Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 15, 2019


#131 | And the best part of that is you get Dragon Rice

Topics
dragong rice car incident in New Yorks home and social awkwardness fighting kids marriage
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Ryan Katsu Rivera Jim Jeffries James Joyce Conor McGregor Abe Lincoln Luis J. Gomez Mark Morano Paul Joseph Tompkins Paul F. Tompkins Comedy Central Frank Merritt Asperger Blah Lego Big Jay Oakerson Cassandra Fairbanks Terrence Crawford Greg Fitzsimmons Julian Assange Jeff Jeffries and 98 more
#130 | Did you know some men blow dry their toes? #132 | I think I figured out fighting

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 55 minutes

Words per minute

178.81

Word count

20,620

Sentence count

2,252

Harmful content

Misogyny

91

sentences flagged

Toxicity

695

sentences flagged

Hate speech

140

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of Thick & Thin I talk about a guy who thought his girlfriend was his aunt, a man who thinks his girlfriend is his sister, and why liberal Southerners are obsessed with Black babies. I also talk about why I don t think black babies should be used as an accessory in the same way that white babies are used as "an accessory" and why it's a bad idea to have a black kid. I also discuss the fact that I don't watch Game of Thrones anymore, so I can't tell you what's going on in the world, but I can tell you that it's not a good idea to adopt a Black kid. I mean, unless you're a rich, rich gay guy like Perez Hilton, and you have two kids because that's all that's available. That's all you need to go with it, except you don't have a kid because there's no such thing as a "real" kid. And if you do have one, you should adopt it, because it's better than nothing, but it's still better than not having a kid at all. I guess that's what I'm saying. I'm not saying you should do that, but if you have one you should at least try to adopt one, because there are more ways to do it than you do it, and there's a lot more options than just having a white kid, so why not adopt a black one? I know that's a great way to do that than just have a white one? I'll tell you why you should go with a Black one, but that's not really an accessory, is better than a kid that you can be an angel. I'm talking about that, right? and that's it's just as good as a kid you can have an angel, is that a beautiful angel, right?! I'll give you the truth and you can't have two Black kid that's an angel that's just an angel like that? and you're not going to have one that looks like that's gonna be a beautiful kid like that, you know what I mean it's going to be beautiful and you'll have it's gonna make you feel like you're gonna have it all the same thing you need it, you'll just have it, but you'll get it, so you'll know you're going to love it, right you'll be okay with it? (I mean, it's so beautiful, right??)

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 And the best part of that is you get dragon rice.
00:00:02.000 That's what a guy at the gym was saying to me today. 0.99
00:00:08.000 And then someone else at the gym overheard that and he goes, so was this guy fucking his aunt or his sister? 0.98
00:00:16.000 Do you know what's going on there? 0.99
00:00:16.000 Can you untangle that mess? 0.99
00:00:19.000 That sounds like the epitome of out of context stuff.
00:00:22.000 I have no idea.
00:00:24.000 Well, first of all, you don't have your ear to the ground, by the way, as a person.
00:00:30.000 I don't watch Game of Thrones, but apparently there was some big, and this is a spoiler alert, some big revelation where the two main guys are friends.
00:00:38.000 Like they grew up together, Batman and Robin, basically.
00:00:40.000 I mean, Batman and Superman turned out to be friends.
00:00:43.000 And then the main guy goes, wait a minute, that means if I'm a Targudsley, then a Targalien, then that means my girlfriend is actually my aunt. 0.98
00:00:53.000 I've been fucking my aunt. 0.99
00:00:55.000 So that was that. 0.99
00:00:58.000 But I had to say that I don't watch Game of Thrones.
00:01:00.000 And then the only reason I know all this is because I check Twitter moments regularly.
00:01:04.000 That's all I'm allowed to do on Twitter is look at the moments. 0.99
00:01:07.000 And by the way, when you watch when you only check Twitter for Twitter moments, you realize what a shithole Twitter's become and what unbelievable pussies everyone is. 0.96
00:01:17.000 And they've gotten rid of anyone, any sort of antagonizers. 0.98
00:01:22.000 So it's just a bunch of
00:01:24.000 Moms.
00:01:25.000 It's just Barbara Streisand. 0.65
00:01:28.000 Men, too.
00:01:29.000 All men on Twitter right now sound like Barbara Streisand.
00:01:33.000 And the way they talk about Hillary still, and the way they talk about Trump, and the way they do this weird thing with black people where they idolize them in a really fetishistic 0.96
00:01:47.000 It's a fetish, the way they worship these black people. 0.96
00:01:50.000 And it just seems to me to be patronizing. 0.99
00:01:52.000 Like they're little cute little dragons. 0.71
00:01:55.000 Little ugly little dragons. 1.00
00:01:58.000 Like there was some video of some basketball player, and he's got his baby with him, and she's sneezing.
00:02:06.000 As babies do, they usually have a bunch in a row.
00:02:08.000 And he's like, oh, bless you, bless you.
00:02:10.000 Oh, here comes another.
00:02:11.000 Oh, there we go.
00:02:12.000 It's very cute.
00:02:13.000 But then all these... Oh, way to go.
00:02:15.000 Leave your phone on.
00:02:16.000 There's all these people on Twitter, comedians and stuff, who don't watch sports, going, oh my god, I love her! 0.88
00:02:24.000 Just freaking out about this black baby. 1.00
00:02:27.000 In a way, that if I was black, I'd go, yeah, yeah, don't do that. 0.99
00:02:31.000 Don't do that. 0.98
00:02:32.000 You're overdoing it.
00:02:34.000 It's too cute.
00:02:35.000 You know what I mean?
00:02:36.000 I do.
00:02:38.000 I got a letter from a guy in the south who said there's this thing going on where liberal southerners, which I don't like, by the way, it's a general rule, at least liberal northerners, you get it. 0.97
00:02:49.000 It's sort of like that Australian dude who I said has a small penis, the Indian guy, Pakistani guy, his wife is a white woman who is converted to Islam and she wears a burqa, she wears a little hijab thing, and that just really bothers me. 0.98
00:03:05.000 White woman with no accent wearing a hijab is annoying. 1.00
00:03:09.000 It's annoying to see someone go back in time. 0.99
00:03:11.000 I don't mind if they're from that culture. 0.91
00:03:14.000 It's like, you know, a Hasidic Jew. 1.00
00:03:16.000 You go, well, that's how you grew up.
00:03:18.000 But for someone to get into covering their hair from not having to cover their hair, it's like, why are you going backwards? 1.00
00:03:26.000 You silly cow. 1.00
00:03:30.000 And he said these liberal Southerners are adopting black kids. 1.00
00:03:33.000 And so they'll have the birth kid and the black kid and then all the other southerners, also liberals, when they see this woman out with her one little black kid, which is an accessory at the end of the day. 0.98
00:03:43.000 I'm not saying every white family with the black kid is using them as an accessory.
00:03:47.000 I know plenty.
00:03:48.000 I know, I think, at least two couples that have adopted black kids because that's all there was. 1.00
00:03:53.000 That's all that's available, unless you're a rich gay guy like Perez Hilton. 0.99
00:03:57.000 You just gotta go with what there is and there's way more black babies open for adoption than white babies. 0.97
00:04:03.000 That's a great thing, to adopt a kid.
00:04:06.000 But, I don't like it when it's used as an accessory.
00:04:09.000 It's still better than nothing for the black kid, I guess. 1.00
00:04:12.000 But it's kind of gross. 1.00
00:04:13.000 Anyway, he was telling me that they fawn over this kid and they go, oh my god, look at her, what an angel, what a sweet angel, oh my god, that's so beautiful, what a beautiful, love her pigtails and whatever fucking little do she has. 1.00
00:04:27.000 And they ignore the other biological kid next to her and the biological kid must be sitting there going, what am I, chopped liver? 1.00
00:04:32.000 The fuck's the matter with me? 0.99
00:04:36.000 Anyway, I have to get back to the original out of context thing. 0.99
00:04:42.000 The guy I was talking to was saying the best thing about winning a fight is you get dragon rice.
00:04:49.000 And I understand that to mean you got to lose a lot of weight often to get into class, especially if you're about 176 pounds, you're now a heavyweight.
00:04:58.000 You don't want to be that.
00:04:58.000 You want to get down to 174 so you can fight in your class.
00:05:01.000 Or you could be fighting Butterbean.
00:05:04.000 A 176 pound dude could be fighting Butterbean.
00:05:07.000 That's not good.
00:05:10.000 So you got to lose all this weight and a lot of these boxers when they're finally done their match they're thrilled to go out and eat because they can get back up to their normal weight.
00:05:16.000 They've been in this grumpy skinny weight.
00:05:19.000 So I get it.
00:05:19.000 You want to go out and get a big Chinese food.
00:05:21.000 Chinese dinner.
00:05:22.000 You want to get rice balls and egg rolls and dragon rice.
00:05:26.000 And I go, what's... I come up to him later after we're done training and I go, so how is dragon rice different than other rice?
00:05:33.000 And he goes, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.97
00:05:36.000 And I go, you said that it's great to be done a fight because you get to eat dragon rice. 1.00
00:05:39.000 He goes, I said bragging rights, asshole. 0.99
00:05:44.000 You know, I was like, maybe he meant dragging rice, where you take a big sack of rice and you drag it and you lose weight. 1.00
00:05:51.000 Which is more retarded. 1.00
00:05:53.000 God, you're dumb. 1.00
00:05:55.000 How is that a celebration? 1.00
00:05:57.000 The best thing about a fight is you get to drag a bag of rice.
00:06:01.000 There is no country in the world poor enough where dragging a bag of rice is seen as fun.
00:06:10.000 Or a good thing.
00:06:10.000 When my dad was a kid he was so poor that he thought the conical pieces of wood
00:06:19.000 that hold paper rolls on the printing press.
00:06:23.000 My dad's family all worked at the newspaper plant, like printing newspapers, tabloids.
00:06:29.000 I think the whole concept of tabloid came from Glasgow, by the way.
00:06:33.000 Um, and those little cones they would wear out.
00:06:36.000 And so my grandfather would take them home and my, my uncles and my dad thought they were toys until someone came over and goes, these aren't toys.
00:06:46.000 This is just wood garbage in your house.
00:06:50.000 Um, so even that, that poor of a person who has wood garbage as toys would not want to drag a bag of rice. 0.98
00:06:59.000 Yes, or bragging rights.
00:07:00.000 Okay, so that's that, that was just really clickbait to get people to... What are you doing?
00:07:06.000 Dragging rice is a thing though.
00:07:08.000 Uh, I didn't know that.
00:07:10.000 It sounds like you, did you know what dragging rice was before you said that or you looked it up afterwards?
00:07:18.000 It's a superb source of soluble and insoluble fiber.
00:07:21.000 No, rice is.
00:07:23.000 No, black dragon rice, specifically.
00:07:25.000 No.
00:07:26.000 Yeah, it's a thing.
00:07:28.000 Black dragon rice is just the name of the brand.
00:07:31.000 You're falling for the pitch of the people who own that particular brand of rice.
00:07:37.000 There's nothing special about that particular brand of rice.
00:07:40.000 Alright, let's talk about what's really important here. 0.99
00:07:42.000 Why the fuck are you dressed like Flava Flav won the lottery today? 0.99
00:07:46.000 Oh, me? 1.00
00:07:49.000 Yes.
00:07:50.000 I don't know.
00:07:51.000 It's a white t-shirt.
00:07:52.000 No, I'm not talking about you.
00:07:55.000 You're $12,000 in debt.
00:07:56.000 I hooked you up with debt management people and they came up with a payment plan and then you stopped talking to them because you realize you can't even do their insane payment plan that cuts your debt into what, 60%?
00:08:08.000 That's not actually true.
00:08:10.000 I spoke to a friend of mine.
00:08:12.000 No, before that!
00:08:15.000 You know, I started the process and then he said stop it.
00:08:18.000 Because you're going to cut out the middleman, you're going to negotiate with the uh...
00:08:21.000 Wow, this is just a really boring way of repeating what I just said.
00:08:24.000 And then you realize you can't do any kind of payment plan, you don't have any money, and then last week,
00:08:51.000 You couldn't buy a train ticket or food because you were $700 in debt on your immediate checking account.
00:08:58.000 Not including your $12,000 debt.
00:09:01.000 So then I pay you a bunch of money for jobs you haven't even done yet.
00:09:05.000 They're getting there.
00:09:06.000 Just to get the money in the bank.
00:09:09.000 And I think, well, at least you can pay off his $700 and be able to eat food again.
00:09:15.000 And I guess he'll eventually complete these projects he was just paid for.
00:09:18.000 And then I walk in. 0.94
00:09:20.000 And you look like a rich black guy. 0.75
00:09:24.000 What you mean to say is enrich?
00:09:27.000 You're wearing fluorescent yellow brand new sneakers.
00:09:30.000 Frozen yellow.
00:09:30.000 A giant gold chain.
00:09:32.000 And after buying two Carhartt hats the last time we went out for lunch.
00:09:37.000 I lost one.
00:09:39.000 You have a new Carhartt hat.
00:09:40.000 It's the one I was telling you about.
00:09:41.000 You're out buying hats.
00:09:43.000 Gotta have plenty of hats.
00:09:46.000 Free delivery.
00:09:48.000 So why are you shopping?
00:09:52.000 What did we go over in that last podcast?
00:09:54.000 We said there's a list of five criteria.
00:09:57.000 The first one is, can I afford it?
00:09:59.000 You can't afford anything.
00:10:02.000 Fair enough.
00:10:02.000 Then you give me this cockamamie story about how you didn't like the headphones you got because they were too, I don't know, hip-hop.
00:10:09.000 I didn't say I didn't like them.
00:10:10.000 They just weren't suitable for my lifestyle and my needs.
00:10:13.000 So we returned them.
00:10:14.000 Stop correcting me when I'm right, okay?
00:10:16.000 That's annoying.
00:10:17.000 I like them, just fine.
00:10:18.000 Whatever.
00:10:20.000 And then you got $200 back.
00:10:23.000 All that goes in the hole, my friend.
00:10:26.000 You don't have $200.
00:10:28.000 If I gave you $12,001 right now, how much money do you have?
00:10:35.000 $1.
00:10:36.000 Sure. 1.00
00:10:36.000 The back of your head right now looks like a retarded puppet. 1.00
00:10:42.000 What does that mean? 0.99
00:10:43.000 The hole where your hair comes out looks like a gaping mouth, the Carhartt logo looks like a nose, and then those two perforated holes in the top, they look like the eyes.
00:10:52.000 Can you take a picture? 1.00
00:10:53.000 So I'm talking to this idiotic puppet right now. 1.00
00:10:56.000 Which is what you are. 1.00
00:10:57.000 Idiotic puppets playing at the Merc Lau. 1.00
00:11:01.000 I'm writing that one down, too. 1.00
00:11:04.000 Yeah, I came with a band name.
00:11:05.000 What was that called? 0.97
00:11:06.000 Delicate Shit Cramps. 0.98
00:11:08.000 Yeah, because I think I had some sort of mild food poisoning this weekend. 0.99
00:11:12.000 Me too!
00:11:13.000 I was walking down the stairs and I sort of went, uh oh, and I had like sharp pains. 0.99
00:11:17.000 You can tell are shit pains. 0.98
00:11:19.000 And I thought, ooh, I got to tread lightly here. 0.99
00:11:22.000 I got sort of delicate shit cramps. 0.98
00:11:24.000 And then I realized that's a great name for a band. 0.99
00:11:26.000 There's been a bug going around. 1.00
00:11:28.000 You should have seen the pint of diarrhea that came out of my ass on Saturday night. 1.00
00:11:32.000 Take a picture of the back of my puppet? 1.00
00:11:34.000 Yep. 0.97
00:11:35.000 Back of your puppet.
00:11:38.000 So why did you go shopping?
00:11:40.000 Well, it was my birthday and I got some extra cash. 0.98
00:11:42.000 Gay? 0.98
00:11:43.000 No, you don't have extra cash, Ryan! 1.00
00:11:45.000 It looked like I had some extra cash.
00:11:46.000 I know, but that's how babies think. 0.68
00:11:49.000 I see the puppet.
00:11:52.000 Our viewers at home don't understand what the puppet is, so drop all visual references.
00:11:57.000 By the way, I was talking to some guys at the gym, we were listening to the podcast, and they're in a rainstorm, and you had that car sound effect, and they almost crashed.
00:12:06.000 So delete that sound effect right now.
00:12:09.000 I've noticed this when people have siren sound effects in the car, it fucked me up.
00:12:16.000 Is that really funny to you? 1.00
00:12:17.000 It's so fucked up. 1.00
00:12:18.000 They were screaming. 1.00
00:12:19.000 Me just pressing a button and it just changes somebody's life for a second.
00:12:22.000 No, they were screaming.
00:12:25.000 There was wrecked cars all over the road.
00:12:27.000 Oh no.
00:12:28.000 It was one of those, it was one of those buckets of water rainfalls where you can't use your windshield.
00:12:34.000 You have to look outside in the rain.
00:12:35.000 Was that?
00:12:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:12:37.000 I remember that day if they're in this area.
00:12:39.000 It was bombing.
00:12:40.000 They're in North Carolina, I told you.
00:12:41.000 Oh, never mind.
00:12:43.000 Because this weekend it was bombing rain.
00:12:45.000 Are you folks at home equally exasperated by him getting 101% of the things he says wrong?
00:12:51.000 Hey, you started talking to me.
00:12:52.000 Can you delete that sound effect now, please?
00:12:56.000 Don't play it first.
00:12:57.000 No, it's all muted.
00:12:58.000 Everything's muted.
00:12:58.000 I'm trying to right-click it.
00:13:00.000 No, I just won't press that one.
00:13:03.000 Right, I won't press that one anymore.
00:13:05.000 By the way, I had a car incident this weekend, and being a New Yorker for the past 20 years 0.98
00:13:16.000 It does suck. 0.95
00:13:16.000 There's a lot of bad things about New York. 0.95
00:13:18.000 Everyone stinks. 1.00
00:13:19.000 There's bums everywhere. 1.00
00:13:21.000 It's violent. 1.00
00:13:22.000 There's shit and puke everywhere. 1.00
00:13:24.000 And the New York that you see as a tourist when you go to Times Square, it's still pretty shitty. 1.00
00:13:29.000 Like, go to Times Square, which is pretty much the nicest New York gets. 0.99
00:13:33.000 Go to Times Square at 3 in the morning, and you'll see people with shit on their legs sleeping on the streets. 0.99
00:13:38.000 They get shooed out. 0.99
00:13:40.000 As the sun comes up, but New York, uh, Times Square in the middle of the night is still pretty gross, and that's the best it gets. 0.97
00:13:46.000 When you get into the South Bronx, where Ryan grew up, and the fucking potholes, it is Iraq. 0.99
00:13:54.000 There's parts of the South Bronx, I'm not exaggerating, that are indistinguishable from downtown Congo. 0.99
00:14:01.000 Like, shithole countries.
00:14:05.000 The roads, they don't even have potholes. 0.97
00:14:06.000 They're not even roads.
00:14:08.000 You can't describe them as potholes, because there's no part where it's a normal road.
00:14:12.000 A pothole is a beautiful road, and then there's a hole.
00:14:15.000 Oh no, the beautiful road's not here.
00:14:17.000 And then it's back to beautiful road.
00:14:19.000 The South Bronx is just like, it's a dirt road made of cement, basically.
00:14:24.000 There's no part, you couldn't possibly ride a skateboard more than six inches.
00:14:29.000 In the South Bronx.
00:14:30.000 Anyway, that's not why I brought this up. 0.99
00:14:33.000 So I'm driving down this disgusting shitty city in my beautiful BMW and BANG! 0.97
00:14:39.000 I hit some giant piece of cement that's like a guitar. 0.99
00:14:44.000 Imagine a cement guitar lying on the road.
00:14:47.000 And what I think it was
00:14:49.000 I think it came from the overpass.
00:14:50.000 I was going underneath an overpass in the park and I think all infrastructure in America is crumbling because it doesn't sound cool for politicians to say, I'm going to fix that broken bridge.
00:15:00.000 They want, no, no, no.
00:15:01.000 I want like a committee for reparations or Cory Booker's thing, the baby bonds, where every baby in America gets a thousand bucks.
00:15:09.000 And then depending on how poor you are, it could lead to a $50,000 as you get older, we'll just keep putting money in it.
00:15:16.000 The poorer you are, the bigger your Cory Booker's baby bond is until guess what happens?
00:15:24.000 There's no poverty in America.
00:15:26.000 This is from a guy who lived in and grew up in a neighborhood so white that his parents had to get sponsors to move there.
00:15:37.000 I think they had to have a white guy sign the lease.
00:15:41.000 And that's not an example of racism.
00:15:42.000 That's an example of rich. 0.99
00:15:45.000 That's how fucking rich he is. 0.99
00:15:48.000 So he clearly doesn't understand economics or how money works. 0.99
00:15:51.000 You can't give people, giving people, poor people $50,000 is not how it works.
00:15:56.000 In fact, that's in the movie Idiocracy.
00:16:00.000 Where the president, what's he called?
00:16:02.000 Camachi Poop Chain?
00:16:03.000 Camacho, not Mountain Dew, Sanchez I think.
00:16:07.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:16:08.000 He gives everyone a million dollars.
00:16:10.000 He just prints a bunch more money.
00:16:11.000 So, we should call Cory Booker Camacho Sanchez Mountain Dew.
00:16:16.000 Here's President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
00:16:24.000 That is so over the top.
00:16:26.000 That reminds me of back when Sarah Silverman was funny.
00:16:28.000 She said Dwayne Reed must be the richest black guy in the country.
00:16:34.000 So yeah, being a New Yorker makes you tenacious and it also makes you a libertarian because no one's gonna do anything for you.
00:16:41.000 So you have zero faith in the system, zero faith in the legal system even, and you just sort of handle it yourself.
00:16:49.000 You don't ever just sort of wait in line.
00:16:50.000 You sort of see, is this the line?
00:16:52.000 Like another, living in New York for 20 years, or I assume 20 plus, I mean, native born New Yorkers are obviously way more tenacious than I am.
00:17:02.000 But whenever there's a big lineup, you go, you have one person stay at your spot in the line, then you go to the front of the line and you make triple sure this is the line for the thing that you're going to.
00:17:14.000 But when you don't grow up like that, you just sort of sit in the line, you do what you're supposed to, you wait, because you trust that other people know what they're doing.
00:17:22.000 This is what bugs me about all this Trump hate.
00:17:24.000 He's not presidential. 1.00
00:17:26.000 Yeah, fuck the president. 1.00
00:17:28.000 Fuck the White House. 1.00
00:17:29.000 The White House is just a big DMV. 1.00
00:17:32.000 You shouldn't have any faith in the government. 0.95
00:17:34.000 You know those cunts at the post office and at the DMV that won't stop talking about their break and how they can't wait to go home? 0.98
00:17:41.000 That's the White House. 0.98
00:17:43.000 That's the top of the country.
00:17:45.000 That's the top politicians.
00:17:46.000 That's Nancy Pelosi. 1.00
00:17:48.000 Nancy Pelosi is exactly the same as that grumpy bitch at the DMV. 1.00
00:17:52.000 She's just a better hustler, and she makes hundreds of millions instead of, you know, $50,000. 1.00
00:17:59.000 And they get paid well, by the way, these government employees. 1.00
00:18:02.000 Their fucking pensions are nuts. 1.00
00:18:04.000 Pensions. 1.00
00:18:06.000 Baby boomers keep arguing why they deserve a better pension and Gen X and everyone below them goes, what the fuck's a pension? 1.00
00:18:14.000 Anyway. 1.00
00:18:16.000 Yeah, the thing I like about Trump is he is a shitty president. 1.00
00:18:18.000 I don't like the president. 1.00
00:18:19.000 I want a stick of dynamite in there. 0.98
00:18:21.000 I want a pit bull in there. 1.00
00:18:22.000 I want a bull in a China shop.
00:18:24.000 I hate the China shop. 1.00
00:18:26.000 I want it destroyed. 0.98
00:18:27.000 He's Guy Fawkes. 1.00
00:18:29.000 We're not there going, finally a president who's like, people show us his tweets and go, see, he's an asshole. 1.00
00:18:36.000 And I go, yeah, that's what we voted for. 1.00
00:18:39.000 No, this guy's fucking Darth Vader. 0.99
00:18:41.000 Good. 1.00
00:18:42.000 I hope he chokes you. 1.00
00:18:44.000 I hope his stormtroopers kill all you Jedis. 1.00
00:18:50.000 Make no mistake. 1.00
00:18:52.000 The empire is white nationalism. 0.55
00:18:55.000 Remember that tweet?
00:18:55.000 That was the writer from Star Wars.
00:18:58.000 Put that out.
00:18:59.000 Make no mistake. 0.99
00:19:01.000 Way to ruin Star Wars, you dunce. 0.99
00:19:04.000 There's racism everywhere. 1.00
00:19:06.000 It's really fucking bad. 1.00
00:19:08.000 You know this FBI stats about white nationalist crimes being on the rise? 0.99
00:19:12.000 You know, they totally ignore all jihadi crimes and they, uh, they, uh, 0.99
00:19:21.000 Here's an example of a white nationalist crime in the FBI statistics.
00:19:24.000 Some redneck who's in the KKK is cheating on his wife who's also in the KKK. 0.98
00:19:30.000 She kills him. 0.98
00:19:31.000 That's listed as a white nationalist crime. 0.97
00:19:34.000 Now technically, sure, that is a white nationalist and they did do a crime and so you could argue it's a white nationalist crime. 0.93
00:19:43.000 Does that mean if a black guy steals a pack of gum it's black crime? 1.00
00:19:47.000 You can't have it both ways, dumbasses. 1.00
00:19:49.000 Isn't that technically a crime against a white nationalist, too? 1.00
00:19:52.000 Yeah, they're the victims. 1.00
00:19:55.000 White nationalists are getting killed. 1.00
00:19:57.000 I'm going to start shooting the show, by the way. 0.99
00:19:58.000 Tonight we should shoot an episode.
00:20:00.000 Okay.
00:20:01.000 Because I want, when we launch this new site, for there to be eight billion shows.
00:20:05.000 I hate when someone launches a site.
00:20:07.000 Actually, the thing worse than that is someone launches a site and it just says, coming soon.
00:20:12.000 You notice that on Twitter pages where they go, I'm the CEO of Gavco.
00:20:16.000 Yeah.
00:20:16.000 And then you click on gavco.com and it says coming soon.
00:20:19.000 Yeah.
00:20:21.000 You go, awesome!
00:20:22.000 Yeah, it sucks too when like, I'll see an advertisement on Instagram for a really cool thing, and you click on it, it's like Kickstarter, it's like, we need your help to make this.
00:20:30.000 It's like, can it just exist?
00:20:32.000 I want one.
00:20:33.000 Yeah.
00:20:34.000 You know, it doesn't exist yet. 1.00
00:20:35.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:20:38.000 What's the matter with the free market, by the way? 1.00
00:20:40.000 Anyway, by the way, I have an entrance stone there, I'm off on so many tangents.
00:20:46.000 There was that black baby where she goes, I love this so much.
00:20:50.000 And then that annoying guy, Paul Joseph Tompkins, you know who he is? 0.89
00:20:54.000 Oh yeah.
00:20:55.000 He was in Mr. Show.
00:20:56.000 I met him once.
00:20:57.000 Paul Tompkins.
00:20:58.000 Paul Tompkins. 1.00
00:20:59.000 He's such a cock pussy. 1.00
00:21:01.000 He's the guy who said about me a long time ago when that October shit was really raging. 1.00
00:21:06.000 He goes, um, someone needs to look into how failed comics end up being attracted to white nationalism. 0.98
00:21:15.000 So his argument was, A, I'm a white nationalist, and B, I was driven to that horrible way to be by failing in comedy.
00:21:23.000 Sort of like Hitler, they always say he failed at painting, that's why he became the head of the Nazis. 0.98
00:21:28.000 And I was like, what a retarded theory. 1.00
00:21:31.000 What a stupid, yeah, okay, let's look into that, Paul. 1.00
00:21:35.000 Paul F. Tompkins, yeah. 1.00
00:21:38.000 Paul F. Tompkins, but he was another one, and this is a perfect example of 0.91
00:21:45.000 This patronizing way liberals talk about blacks that just smells of insincerity and you can sort of tell they don't have black friends.
00:21:53.000 So the woman, her name is Megan Gailey, and she was the one, it was Matthias, at Matthias A-R-R-S-T 0.91
00:22:03.000 Oh no, that was already someone going, insert Snoop Dogg meme. 0.99
00:22:06.000 This is the cutest shit I've ever seen with the black baby. 1.00
00:22:09.000 And then the other white person's like, I love her! 1.00
00:22:12.000 And then later on, same day, oh actually same moment, Paul F. Tompkins retweets this picture from some dude in the Brooklyn Nets, and he looks like an absolute lunatic.
00:22:25.000 You know how these basketball players, what they hire, it's the weirdest thing, they hire someone to dress them. 0.95
00:22:31.000 And inevitably, this gay stylist will give them a purse. 0.93
00:22:35.000 They always have a little clutch. 0.95
00:22:37.000 A little Louis Vuitton clutch.
00:22:39.000 Which is downright embarrassing.
00:22:42.000 What is in that thing?
00:22:43.000 Your toothbrush?
00:22:44.000 Didn't you brush your teeth this morning, basketball player? 1.00
00:22:47.000 What the fuck is in there, deodorant? 0.99
00:22:48.000 What is in your little clutch? 1.00
00:22:51.000 Your iPhone?
00:22:52.000 A man's pants come with four pockets.
00:22:55.000 That's wallet in one back pocket, iPhone in another, and then your two sets of car keys. 0.95
00:23:01.000 Car keys are too big now, because they give you a fucking computer that's $600, but you have one in each pocket. 0.98
00:23:07.000 Plus, you're a basketball player. 0.98
00:23:08.000 You have a driver.
00:23:09.000 You don't have car keys. 1.00
00:23:11.000 Anyway, these dumbasses have a stylist dress them and these stylists, it almost looks like they're playing a prank on these guys because they dress them up like utter clowns. 0.99
00:23:20.000 So this is the Brooklyn Nets and the hashtag everyday 100. 0.99
00:23:26.000 Which even that sounds kind of weird, patronizing.
00:23:29.000 But he's got on leopard-skin pants, a fedora with a gold band, tons of gold around his neck, like Mr. T-Levels, and then a black lace shirt with two-tone shoes. 0.99
00:23:43.000 He looks like an idiotic pimp from 1972. 0.99
00:23:48.000 Right? 1.00
00:23:49.000 And you go, well, some stylist is having fun at your expense, you fucking ridiculous clown. 1.00
00:23:54.000 And Paul F. Tompkins tweets out, I don't know basketball, but I know what I like. 1.00
00:24:01.000 You like leopard skin pants on a black dude? 0.99
00:24:04.000 It's like, you might as well go up to a black guy and say, hey, I was jerking off to porn the other day, and there was four black guys on this one white chick, and I loved it. 1.00
00:24:13.000 I watched it, and I absolutely thought it was awesome. 1.00
00:24:15.000 So in other words, I basically beat off to you.
00:24:19.000 So what do you think of that?
00:24:19.000 Pretty cool, right?
00:24:21.000 Am I still racist?
00:24:24.000 That's pretty cool of me, right?
00:24:26.000 I feel good about myself now. 0.50
00:24:27.000 I'm liking black stuff.
00:24:28.000 And that's Twitter.
00:24:29.000 Like another Twitter moment was Idris Elba DJing at Coachella is proof that he can do anything! 0.96
00:24:38.000 Imagine that's so gay. 1.00
00:24:41.000 Like there must be black dudes going, hey man, uh, I don't like the way you're talking about me. 0.98
00:24:46.000 It makes me really uncomfortable. 0.86
00:24:51.000 Any hizzle.
00:24:53.000 To get back to this original point, it isn't as interesting as these tangents.
00:24:56.000 The tangents are always better than the original point.
00:24:59.000 As Cormac McCarthy writes in The Road, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road thereto.
00:25:09.000 But yeah, living in New York for 20 years makes you better at emergencies.
00:25:13.000 You're calmer and you have your hustle on. 0.99
00:25:16.000 So I hit this goddamn piece of cement, this cement guitar, and instantly my tire's out. 0.99
00:25:23.000 And that's, you notice your brain, I do this when I wet the bed sometimes, which is still a common occurrence when I drink. 0.99
00:25:29.000 You go, oh, it's not so bad. 0.93
00:25:31.000 Just a little bit of pee came out. 0.99
00:25:33.000 And then you finally wake up and you realize, no, it's a bucket of piss that I gotta fucking fix this mattress. 0.99
00:25:38.000 But your brain always gives you little doses. 0.99
00:25:40.000 I bet when you get diagnosed with cancer, it's the same thing.
00:25:44.000 It says, no, no, it's fine.
00:25:45.000 You're just going to cut out.
00:25:46.000 You get some plutonium in your taint and your prostate cancer will be cured.
00:25:50.000 They did it to Juliana.
00:25:51.000 You're fine.
00:25:52.000 By the way, you know that plutonium they put in your taint stays there?
00:25:56.000 Plutonium taint?
00:25:57.000 Plutonium taint becomes your nickname, but they put radioactive isotopes in your taint.
00:26:04.000 Did you know that?
00:26:04.000 No.
00:26:05.000 Yeah, so testicular cancer, I guess they don't put it in your balls for some reason. 1.00
00:26:09.000 That must feel really comfortable to have radioactive little bits of dragon rice stuck into your fucking balls. 1.00
00:26:18.000 Yeesh. 1.00
00:26:19.000 But they don't do that. 0.98
00:26:20.000 They put it in your prostate. 1.00
00:26:22.000 Oh, because it's prostate cancer, dumbass. 1.00
00:26:25.000 Don't take medical advice from this show. 1.00
00:26:29.000 Testicular cancer is not what I'm talking about.
00:26:31.000 I'm talking about prostate cancer. 1.00
00:26:32.000 I'm sure with testicular cancer, they just remove your fucking balls completely. 1.00
00:26:36.000 But with prostate cancer, they put radioactive isotopes. 0.99
00:26:39.000 So like little bits of radiation.
00:26:41.000 Little radioactive pieces of rice, they stick in there, and I assume they- they- I assumed they wait around, it blasts the cancer, and then they yank them out.
00:26:49.000 No, they sit there!
00:26:51.000 So if you had a Geiger counter, if you sat on a Geiger counter and go... Isn't that messed up?
00:27:00.000 Radioactive seed implants.
00:27:02.000 Form of radiation therapy called Brachytherapy.
00:27:06.000 Alright, thanks for that.
00:27:07.000 Anyway... Uh...
00:27:11.000 How did I get there?
00:27:11.000 So, so let me try to get back to this original story.
00:27:15.000 My, uh, I hit this thing, tires out.
00:27:18.000 Oh yeah.
00:27:18.000 I was talking about you give yourself the bad news in tiny doses and, um,
00:27:24.000 I'm slowly getting the news that the car's... No, I actually don't give it... I'm bragging about what a great hustler I am, but this isn't a very great hustle.
00:27:34.000 I pull over and I kick it and I go, it still feels pretty good.
00:27:37.000 No, it doesn't. 0.99
00:27:38.000 If it doesn't feel like you're kicking wood, your tire's fucked. 0.97
00:27:42.000 So then I come up with this idea, I'll just go to the gas station and I'll fill up the tire again. 0.98
00:27:47.000 Because that's how tires work, right?
00:27:48.000 When they're flat, it's got nothing to do with a hole or a tear.
00:27:53.000 It's just because they ran out of air in a split second.
00:27:56.000 If a balloon pops, it just means it's low on air.
00:27:59.000 So go pick up the pieces and go fill it back up again.
00:28:02.000 That's how it works.
00:28:03.000 So eventually I get to the gas station.
00:28:05.000 I've put some gas and air in it and it starts hissing and I realize, Gavin, stop kidding yourself. 1.00
00:28:10.000 You're fucked. 1.00
00:28:12.000 Now this is where the New Yorker comes in. 1.00
00:28:14.000 You could call AAA.
00:28:18.000 First you have to be a member, and if you're a member you're a nerd.
00:28:21.000 That's a super square thing to do, be a member of AAA.
00:28:25.000 What are they gonna do, get you a tow truck? 0.69
00:28:26.000 Congratulations.
00:28:29.000 AAA will tow you to the garage that's nearest to your house.
00:28:36.000 Then the garage will be closed because it's Sunday.
00:28:38.000 Then you'll walk back to your house.
00:28:40.000 So now we're like three hours in.
00:28:42.000 It'll be 250 bucks.
00:28:44.000 Then on Monday, you'll go back and the guy will go, what's your car doing here?
00:28:47.000 Oh, blah, blah, blah.
00:28:48.000 Oh, I'll have to order the tire.
00:28:49.000 That's another week.
00:28:50.000 It'll end up being like 500 bucks total for just a pop tire.
00:28:55.000 So this is what I did.
00:28:56.000 I got into Ratso Rizzo mode. 0.98
00:28:58.000 Alright, I gotta fucking get out of here. 0.97
00:29:00.000 So then I'm waiting around the gas station, and I see there's a tow truck. 0.97
00:29:04.000 It's a huge gas station, right?
00:29:05.000 We're in the South Bronx.
00:29:06.000 So I see there's a tow truck over there.
00:29:08.000 Just waiting.
00:29:09.000 So I run up to him.
00:29:10.000 He's on his phone.
00:29:11.000 And I go, Hey!
00:29:13.000 Look, I got a flat tire.
00:29:14.000 Let's do something off the books.
00:29:17.000 And what can we do?
00:29:19.000 And he goes, I'll tell you whatever you want, 200 bucks.
00:29:21.000 I go, let's do 175.
00:29:22.000 He goes, let's do it.
00:29:24.000 And then he tries to hustle me later, by the way.
00:29:27.000 And he goes, so I talked to my dispatcher, black guy, it's going to be 220. 0.99
00:29:30.000 And I go, I thought you said this is off the books.
00:29:33.000 We're doing it off the books.
00:29:35.000 And he said, yeah, okay.
00:29:36.000 Okay.
00:29:36.000 Basically again, you got to think of, of New York city as India and everyone is a street person trying to hustle you.
00:29:47.000 So I keep it at 175, he loads it up, and then I go, there's gotta be a place around here, right?
00:29:52.000 Like a 24-hour place?
00:29:53.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jerome Street, that's where all the cab drivers go.
00:29:56.000 Okay, take me there, don't take me home.
00:29:58.000 And that's just down the street.
00:30:00.000 By the way, here's a little side thing. 0.97
00:30:02.000 I get in the car, and there's a fat Puerto Rican there, a woman, who's very white. 1.00
00:30:10.000 Hideous. 0.99
00:30:11.000 I'd say she's a 3.5 and very ghetto. 1.00
00:30:17.000 And he's like a hard-working skinny black dude.
00:30:21.000 Maybe 36 years old.
00:30:22.000 Little dreads.
00:30:25.000 All he cares about is his job.
00:30:27.000 So as we're driving he's like, oh man that guy's double parking.
00:30:30.000 I'm surprised he's not getting a ticket.
00:30:31.000 You can't do that.
00:30:32.000 Not this time of day. 0.99
00:30:34.000 And talking about tow truck stuff, she obviously doesn't give a fuck. 1.00
00:30:37.000 But the curious thing about this couple is, they don't know each other. 0.98
00:30:42.000 And she starts talking about her kid.
00:30:44.000 Yeah, my boy, my son, he's gifted.
00:30:46.000 Like he's really intelligent.
00:30:48.000 He's like, he's going to get a scholarship to do a computer engineer.
00:30:52.000 He wants me to get him a computer because he wants to do stuff at home.
00:30:55.000 Like he knows how to make like video games and stuff.
00:30:59.000 And he's like really smart.
00:31:00.000 He's a smart kid.
00:31:02.000 And so, and this guy's like, oh yeah, like he couldn't care less.
00:31:05.000 She could be talking about her dog's friend.
00:31:09.000 And I'm thinking, 1.00
00:31:11.000 What the fuck is going on here? 0.99
00:31:14.000 And here's my theory. 1.00
00:31:16.000 He makes maybe 600 bucks on a, he does a 10 hour shift. 1.00
00:31:23.000 He was just starting his shift and he likes to get his dick sucked occasionally. 1.00
00:31:29.000 So he brings along a whore. 1.00
00:31:32.000 And she's not really a whore whore but she's just a slut who will suck a dick for a total of a hundred bucks. 1.00
00:31:39.000 So she rides around with him for maybe a couple hours and he gets a blowjob when there's a lull and he throws her a hundred bucks. 1.00
00:31:49.000 What do you think? 0.98
00:31:51.000 It seems to hold up because they don't know each other not at all And they have nothing in common and when he talks about his road stuff like yo this you can't get on the Parkways with this size of truck so it's gonna take as long about to take 95 and she's like my boy He don't go nowhere alone like I take him everywhere if he's gonna go on it, and then she was so Fucking vapid I was turning my head away from her and just crossing my eyes and
00:32:17.000 As one does, and writing, do you ever do this?
00:32:20.000 I'm writing on my leg with my forefinger, Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:32:25.000 And holy shit. 0.99
00:32:26.000 Writing, like just writing invisible letters to yourself? 1.00
00:32:29.000 Yeah, do you ever do that?
00:32:30.000 I feel like I have, yeah.
00:32:31.000 Or when someone's telling a really boring story, you write boring on your leg.
00:32:35.000 Or help.
00:32:36.000 Help.
00:32:36.000 Yeah.
00:32:37.000 That would be funny if some guy saw you and he could make out the word help and then he comes over and he goes, hey, does anyone know where the next train is?
00:32:47.000 And he kind of bumps into her. 0.99
00:32:48.000 And then you're like, what the fuck? 1.00
00:32:50.000 Who's this drunk guy? 1.00
00:32:51.000 He goes, I got your back, man.
00:32:53.000 I saw what you wrote on your leg.
00:32:55.000 Hey, lady, what's up?
00:32:55.000 Don't worry, I got this.
00:32:57.000 Hey, come over here, man.
00:32:59.000 I'm gonna show you something.
00:33:00.000 And then he looks back at you and winks.
00:33:02.000 Get out, go.
00:33:03.000 Go, go.
00:33:05.000 You just run out of the bar. 0.99
00:33:09.000 Yeah, but the problem with that, because then you say, no dumbass, he was driving her home. 0.99
00:33:14.000 Really? 0.94
00:33:15.000 Why wasn't she remotely annoyed that I just detoured them an hour?
00:33:20.000 Right.
00:33:21.000 This is New York.
00:33:22.000 There's nothing is more than 40 minutes away from each other.
00:33:25.000 She could live way out in Long Island.
00:33:27.000 She could live way up in Westchester.
00:33:28.000 She could live way out in Jersey.
00:33:30.000 She's 40 minutes away, no matter where she is.
00:33:33.000 And I just took up an hour of their time.
00:33:35.000 She could have hopped out and taken the, we were near the G train.
00:33:39.000 So she was set to be there for X amount of time.
00:33:42.000 The only thing I don't get is the finances. 0.96
00:33:46.000 Like how much are blowjob passengers getting paid these days? 0.97
00:33:52.000 Right? 0.98
00:33:55.000 $100 a day.
00:33:56.000 You'd probably nailed it.
00:33:59.000 Is she there the entire shift?
00:34:03.000 I mean, you know what though?
00:34:03.000 Maybe she needs a ride and... What if that's his girlfriend's friend?
00:34:11.000 Okay, what's she doing there? 0.87
00:34:12.000 He's giving her a ride somewhere, but he's like, listen, if I get a call, you're just going to have to deal with it.
00:34:16.000 Ryan, please stay with us here.
00:34:18.000 She's detoured, but she doesn't mind because she's getting a free ride.
00:34:21.000 That's a massive detour.
00:34:22.000 You could be upstate in an hour.
00:34:22.000 You're an hour.
00:34:24.000 She's Puerto Rican. 0.99
00:34:25.000 She has nothing else better to do.
00:34:26.000 She's just riding. 0.98
00:34:27.000 She kept talking about home. 0.99
00:34:29.000 She goes, yeah, this is the thing fat, lazy people always talk about. 1.00
00:34:31.000 Like, oh man, I'd love to be at home right now.
00:34:34.000 They love home.
00:34:35.000 I remember that in college too.
00:34:35.000 Yeah.
00:34:35.000 They talk about home.
00:34:37.000 It was like, oh my God, I just want to be home right now.
00:34:40.000 What are you doing here then?
00:34:41.000 Remember that?
00:34:42.000 Well, did you go to college?
00:34:43.000 Obviously not.
00:34:43.000 No.
00:34:45.000 Um, yeah, the other thing I used to do was say in college is, uh, how you doing?
00:34:49.000 Oh my God, I'm so, I need a coffee soap.
00:34:52.000 I'm so tired.
00:34:53.000 Oh my God.
00:34:54.000 I'm so, and it's weird cause I had like eight hours sleep last night.
00:34:56.000 I'm just super tired.
00:34:58.000 And you know what it was?
00:35:00.000 It was people feeling socially awkward cause they're just starting adulthood and they don't have their mommy anymore.
00:35:04.000 And they just want to give up.
00:35:05.000 And they sense that they're being awkward.
00:35:08.000 So they have to explain why they're not on.
00:35:11.000 Oh, I see.
00:35:12.000 So they go, yeah, I'm just super tired right now.
00:35:13.000 I'm usually really interesting and fun and exciting, just like everyone in the movie Animal House.
00:35:18.000 But, uh, you caught me in a bad time.
00:35:20.000 So you're seeing half of me.
00:35:21.000 So if you don't like me, then you're wrong.
00:35:26.000 Anyhiz. 0.99
00:35:28.000 I didn't have the balls. 0.95
00:35:29.000 I should have said, so what's going on with you guys? 0.98
00:35:31.000 You like boyfriend and girlfriend?
00:35:32.000 Yeah.
00:35:33.000 No, no, no. 0.99
00:35:34.000 This is what you call a blowjob passenger. 1.00
00:35:36.000 A BP. 1.00
00:35:39.000 A BGP.
00:35:40.000 A BJP.
00:35:41.000 BJP.
00:35:42.000 But at least I would have seen... The BJ and the bear.
00:35:45.000 At least I would have... Maybe that's what that... Did you get that joke?
00:35:49.000 BJ and the bear?
00:35:51.000 No.
00:35:51.000 It was a sitcom when I was a little kid and it was a trucker and his best friend who was a monkey named BJ.
00:35:58.000 Oh, that's pretty funny.
00:36:00.000 That's like the perfect little pun joke there.
00:36:04.000 Yeah, anyway.
00:36:07.000 But maybe I could have gauged from their reaction when they went, no, no, no, no, no.
00:36:13.000 Maybe she couldn't be in training.
00:36:15.000 She wasn't like that. 1.00
00:36:16.000 She was a lazy piece of shit. 1.00
00:36:19.000 And she was looking at her phone and she had her purse on her lap. 1.00
00:36:21.000 She wasn't going, OK, so now we reverse here?
00:36:25.000 OK, I think I get it.
00:36:27.000 It had to be some kind of purely sexual relationship.
00:36:32.000 Anyway, I waited zero seconds for my tow truck because he was right there.
00:36:37.000 I drive it back right onto the tow truck, straps it in.
00:36:40.000 Boop, boop, boop. 1.00
00:36:40.000 I helped him strap it in. 1.00
00:36:42.000 We drive to the South Bronx, which we're already in the Bronx, South Bronx.
00:36:45.000 We drive maybe 20 minutes, 15 minutes.
00:36:48.000 And there's all these, on Jerome Street in the South Bronx, there's all these tire shops.
00:36:53.000 And each of them are 24 hours.
00:36:55.000 And they have, honestly, I'm not going to exaggerate, each one probably has 2,000 tires.
00:37:02.000 So of course they have my tire like that.
00:37:04.000 Boom.
00:37:05.000 Five minutes and 50 bucks.
00:37:09.000 They take it off, throw away the tire.
00:37:10.000 This wasn't a matter of a hole.
00:37:12.000 That bang, uh, tore the tire to shreds.
00:37:15.000 It was ripped.
00:37:18.000 And they they put on the new tire boom 50 so 175 225 and I was on my way maybe a 15 No, I'm not gonna say 50 minute delay.
00:37:29.000 Maybe a 40 minute delay total from bang to That's awesome.
00:37:35.000 Yeah, that's what new being in New York does to you.
00:37:39.000 It makes you a hustler You want to hear another time?
00:37:41.000 I did a New York hustle.
00:37:43.000 Yeah
00:37:44.000 So I'm driving, again in the suburbs, right?
00:37:47.000 And I'm really low on gas.
00:37:49.000 But I just want to get home.
00:37:51.000 And I'm very close.
00:37:52.000 I'm only about 20 minutes away.
00:37:55.000 So I push it.
00:37:58.000 And I think, I'm past E, I'm in the black, but I'm only maybe four miles from home. 0.98
00:38:04.000 So I think, fuck it, I'll just get gas when I'm closer. 0.98
00:38:07.000 And I'm on the highway too. 1.00
00:38:10.000 And then run out of gas.
00:38:12.000 First time I've run out of gas in a long time. 0.99
00:38:13.000 It's kind of weird to be bragging about how awesome I am and how I have my shit together when I run out of gas, which is one of the stupidest things you can do. 1.00
00:38:20.000 Actually, I call you stupid all the time. 1.00
00:38:22.000 You must run out of gas every day. 1.00
00:38:24.000 Nope, I have not run out of gas.
00:38:26.000 I actually got an oil change ahead of its schedule just to make sure everything was fine.
00:38:31.000 Okay, so you know how you do that with your gas meter?
00:38:34.000 Yeah.
00:38:35.000 Make that your bank account.
00:38:37.000 Oh, for Pete's.
00:38:38.000 Right now, the meter is gone.
00:38:41.000 It's disappeared off the dash.
00:38:42.000 I'm not even running on fumes?
00:38:46.000 You don't have a meter.
00:38:47.000 It looks like it broke off.
00:38:50.000 You're $12,000 below zero.
00:38:52.000 Before I knew what Ryan's debt was, I thought, you know what?
00:38:54.000 I've got some dough.
00:38:55.000 I'm going to help this kid get back on his feet.
00:38:57.000 I'm going to pay off his $1,200 of debt.
00:39:01.000 How much is it, Ryan?
00:39:02.000 It's about $12,000.
00:39:04.000 You spoiled the joke, and you said this twice.
00:39:09.000 You said 12,000 before you got to the punchline, which was 12,000.
00:39:14.000 Wait, I thought I said 1,200.
00:39:15.000 Did I say 12,000?
00:39:16.000 Yes. 1.00
00:39:18.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:39:19.000 That was stupid. 1.00
00:39:20.000 I know what you meant, though. 1.00
00:39:21.000 That was so embarrassing, we should almost edit it out. 0.99
00:39:24.000 You're changing my character, because I wouldn't call you out on that, but I'm getting such a beatdown for my financial stupidity. 1.00
00:39:30.000 Beatdown! 0.99
00:39:31.000 We should change the title of the show to Beatdown.
00:39:35.000 And the logo is just me on top of you with my fist in your face. 0.85
00:39:39.000 Beat down! 0.95
00:39:40.000 It should be its own thing.
00:39:42.000 You just berate me until I want to change.
00:39:45.000 I've got a very... I'm not convinced yet.
00:39:47.000 I've got a very big fight this weekend I'm incredibly excited about.
00:39:50.000 Where's Daddy's?
00:39:52.000 Terrence Crawford.
00:39:54.000 Is this dude who I'm pretty new to knowing the guy's names.
00:40:00.000 But he's going to be fighting in New York this Saturday.
00:40:03.000 Are you going?
00:40:04.000 And we have really good tickets right in the front because we know one of the guys, one of the guys boxing is a guy from my gym. 0.99
00:40:10.000 Oh shit. 0.99
00:40:11.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00
00:40:11.000 Irish Larry. 1.00
00:40:13.000 Very cool.
00:40:13.000 And Terrence Crawford does this thing where he'll switch stances.
00:40:17.000 I don't understand that.
00:40:19.000 He'll go, he'll fight Southpaw in the middle of a fight.
00:40:22.000 Hmm.
00:40:24.000 And I've talked about him on the show before, but he's the guy, the black guy from Nebraska who has nothing to say, which all the fans think is awesome because it's so unique, but all the media guys are pissed off because they want him to be Muhammad Ali.
00:40:42.000 And he's like, no, I'd rather just fight thanks and go back home.
00:40:44.000 Don't the promoters want him to kind of speak more too, or do they like the mystery?
00:40:49.000 No, the promoters want lunacy. 0.97
00:40:51.000 They want fights during the weigh-in and all that stuff.
00:40:54.000 They want drama.
00:40:55.000 It sells tickets.
00:40:56.000 Not just a guy going, hey, what's up?
00:40:59.000 Terrence Crawford versus Amir Khan.
00:41:02.000 Now, I know you think that's a Muslim, but it's likely a Sikh.
00:41:06.000 Or maybe he's not, I don't know.
00:41:07.000 Is that at the Garden?
00:41:08.000 Yep, Madison Square Garden.
00:41:09.000 Yeah, I saw posters for that.
00:41:10.000 No, he looks Muslim.
00:41:13.000 Really?
00:41:13.000 Yeah.
00:41:14.000 Did you see that Conor McGregor thing?
00:41:17.000 Who's the white Muslim that he fought? 0.86
00:41:23.000 He's one of those white Muslim like Russian dudes. 0.93
00:41:26.000 Khabib Nurmagomedov or something?
00:41:29.000 Yeah.
00:41:30.000 So, Nurmagomedov.
00:41:31.000 That's the best.
00:41:32.000 Khabib Nurmagomedov.
00:41:35.000 Um, just got married and the custom, you know, with these Muslim traditions is that you cover the wife, but they don't just cover her.
00:41:42.000 They really cover her with the thick white, uh, shroud. 0.99
00:41:46.000 Of cum. 1.00
00:41:47.000 So immature and stupid. 1.00
00:41:52.000 And funny. 1.00
00:41:54.000 But Conor McGregor sees the picture and it's Abebe standing next to, is that his name?
00:42:01.000 No, Khabib.
00:42:02.000 Khabib sitting next to his wife and she's just draped in this shroud and Conor McGregor goes, your wife is a towel mate. 1.00
00:42:11.000 Oh my shit. 1.00
00:42:12.000 That is such a... And that's so funny in that context too. 1.00
00:42:18.000 Like if I had said it, that's not as funny, right?
00:42:20.000 This is one of his, you know, one of the most notorious opponents, notorious MMA opponents.
00:42:28.000 And they've had this huge rivalry, and it's over, and you're supposed to be, you know, sportsman-like.
00:42:32.000 It's over.
00:42:32.000 Right.
00:42:32.000 Yeah, and he lost the fight, and blah blah blah.
00:42:34.000 So in the context of the whole thing, it's so unboxing, too, to be that.
00:42:39.000 Your wife is a towel, mate. 1.00
00:42:42.000 And now it's become a meme. 0.99
00:42:44.000 Your wife is a towel. 1.00
00:42:45.000 Holy shit, that's funny. 1.00
00:42:47.000 Holy fuck. 1.00
00:42:50.000 Don't be scared of a rematch, you little scurrying rat. 1.00
00:42:53.000 You'll do what you're told, like you always do. 1.00
00:42:56.000 You'll do fucking nothing! 0.99
00:42:59.000 He's funny, dude. 0.99
00:43:01.000 He's the greatest.
00:43:02.000 I'm gay for him.
00:43:03.000 I don't even I don't even watch that sport, but oh my god.
00:43:07.000 There was a pitch picture on Twitter This is why we have to start doing the show again because I there's vision we need to do visuals Yeah, I think this is my plan.
00:43:15.000 I'm gonna start recording shows so I have about 20 banked right and then The shows won't be like the show we're gonna have the show we're gonna have is gonna be live with Collins I
00:43:30.000 But when you get to the new website and you pay your subscription, you'll have all these banked episodes, and they'll be exactly like the show is going to be, but obviously they won't be live because they'll be banked.
00:43:40.000 You get it?
00:43:42.000 Anyhizzle, let me get back to this story.
00:43:44.000 So, Ratso Rizzo runs out of gas on the highway.
00:43:49.000 Now it's not a highway like an LA highway where there's, you know, if you go off to the side, you fall 50 feet onto seven other highways.
00:43:58.000 This is upstate New York, not upstate, but suburban New York.
00:44:03.000 So it's residential.
00:44:05.000 So I pull over. 0.99
00:44:06.000 Now I could just call AAA, try to explain where the fuck I am, and then wait maybe an hour. 0.98
00:44:11.000 For a tow truck. 0.98
00:44:12.000 Tow truck takes me to the gas station.
00:44:14.000 The gas station, they fill me up there.
00:44:16.000 Blah, blah, blah.
00:44:17.000 Blah, blah, blah.
00:44:17.000 200 bucks.
00:44:18.000 Probably two hours in total, right?
00:44:21.000 This is what I did.
00:44:22.000 And this is one of the great things about not living in Texas.
00:44:25.000 I scurry up the grass like a little, like a little Khabib rat. 1.00
00:44:32.000 I hop the fence and then I sort of have my hands up and I go, not a robber, not a robber.
00:44:37.000 As I walk through a person's backyard,
00:44:40.000 Right?
00:44:41.000 And then I pop out of their driveway.
00:44:43.000 I have my hands up.
00:44:44.000 Not a robber, not a robber.
00:44:45.000 No one was home.
00:44:47.000 And I can see I'm at 32 Shithead Crescent, whatever it's called.
00:44:51.000 Call an Uber.
00:44:53.000 The Uber is there in five minutes.
00:44:54.000 Boom.
00:44:55.000 It picks me up.
00:44:56.000 I go to the gas station, which was another five minutes.
00:44:59.000 They rent me a can for 20 bucks.
00:45:02.000 And if I bring it back, they'll pay me back.
00:45:05.000 I take the same Uber back.
00:45:08.000 Then I go back through that guy's backyard.
00:45:10.000 Now, it's a little bit tricky jumping over this huge fence with vines all over it and a gas can, but I do that, doodle-de-loop, fill up the tank, car starts up, drive back to the gas station, get my 20 bucks back, zoopity-boop-boop-boop.
00:45:23.000 The whole thing was maybe 22 minutes total.
00:45:28.000 If I had done that by the book, if I had trusted other people, it would have been a bunch more money and a bunch more time, and that is the moral of the story.
00:45:37.000 Being a New Yorker teaches you to be a libertarian.
00:45:39.000 It teaches you about the free market.
00:45:41.000 And this is the biggest problem with society today, is we've lost our independence.
00:45:47.000 We've lost our gumption.
00:45:49.000 We used to be about grit.
00:45:51.000 We used to be about mobility.
00:45:53.000 If your dad heard about a job in Arizona,
00:45:57.000 You were gone.
00:45:59.000 Time to pack up.
00:45:59.000 Oh, the kids are crying.
00:46:00.000 They're gonna miss their school. 0.99
00:46:02.000 So fucking what? 0.99
00:46:03.000 Now people don't move. 0.99
00:46:05.000 Now, when they lose their job, they just sit there unemployed for a year waiting for a new job to open up.
00:46:11.000 No, dude.
00:46:12.000 You gotta move.
00:46:12.000 You gotta change jobs.
00:46:13.000 You gotta be a bricklayer.
00:46:15.000 You gotta keep hustling. 0.99
00:46:17.000 And I was reading the paper today and there was like three different stories that involve people not being able to handle their own shit. 0.99
00:46:24.000 And it's dangerous because what we do is we let the government subsume our own personal authority on our sense of self. 0.99
00:46:32.000 And you see this at protests all the time.
00:46:34.000 People get confrontational and the second someone touches them, I'm not exaggerating by the way, touches them, they go, Police!
00:46:40.000 Police!
00:46:42.000 That's assault!
00:46:43.000 How many times have you heard that at a rally?
00:46:44.000 That's assault!
00:46:46.000 You touch me, that's assault!
00:46:50.000 And cops are getting called for everything now.
00:46:53.000 Cops, when you're a little kid and you want to be a cop, you chase bank robbers, rapists, murderers.
00:46:58.000 That's when you call the cops.
00:47:00.000 You don't call the cops because your neighbor put something on his lawn you don't like.
00:47:04.000 You go over to your neighbor and you say, can we not have naked ladies sculptures, please, on the front lawn? 1.00
00:47:09.000 I got kids here.
00:47:11.000 Don't call the cops all the time.
00:47:13.000 So the three stories, one of the guys, he, they were recalling a thousand of these city bike, these Citibank bikes, because the front brake is too sensitive and people have been flying over the front of their bikes.
00:47:28.000 Now, obviously Citibank doesn't want to get sued. 0.98
00:47:31.000 So they, instead of being normal and saying, yeah, we'll just learn how to ride a fucking bike. 0.99
00:47:37.000 Like, use the back brake only. 0.99
00:47:39.000 Or, test it out, feel it out, go, alright, that's a hell of a front brake, I'll only use it for emergencies. 0.99
00:47:44.000 Who doesn't know how to ride a goddamn bicycle? 0.99
00:47:46.000 You apply both brakes at once, of course you're gonna flip over if you only use the front brake. 0.99
00:47:52.000 And then there was another story in the New York Post, and this is sad, so get ready for some sadness.
00:47:59.000 Pretty young girl about to graduate from Fordham.
00:48:02.000 There's a custom, I guess, where people take an Instagram picture at the top of Fordham.
00:48:07.000 She climbed all the way up this spiral staircase.
00:48:09.000 She's up, you know, 15th floor type of thing, in this old sort of castle-like building that the stonemasons probably built 200 years ago.
00:48:18.000 She falls and goes tumbling down the spiral staircase and is dead.
00:48:23.000 And the end of the article is complaining that the school doesn't always lock the access to that spiral staircase.
00:48:30.000 To the turret at the top of the Cassily thing.
00:48:33.000 They shouldn't do that.
00:48:35.000 That should always be locked.
00:48:36.000 But sometimes when they're cleaning and doing maintenance, it'll be unlocked.
00:48:40.000 And you go, yeah, don't climb up there. 0.98
00:48:44.000 And again, I think a lot of this is, you're not gonna believe this part, but feminism, where women are just, they're under the impression that they're men, and they can go in and get shit hammered, and go jump off a thing. 1.00
00:48:57.000 Whoa, I just went to the New York Post website, and Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire. 0.98
00:49:03.000 Whoa.
00:49:04.000 Right when I was talking about castles. 1.00
00:49:06.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:49:07.000 Is that a coincidence? 1.00
00:49:08.000 Yes.
00:49:09.000 I don't know.
00:49:10.000 I don't know, man.
00:49:11.000 I don't think so.
00:49:13.000 Then again, there's a time difference.
00:49:15.000 You would have had to have set a couple hours off.
00:49:17.000 And then it would have happened.
00:49:18.000 But, you know what I mean?
00:49:19.000 Like, ladies, let me just tell you something.
00:49:22.000 You are a Ferrari.
00:49:23.000 You don't leave a Ferrari out.
00:49:25.000 You don't let it get wasted and walk home alone.
00:49:28.000 You're delicate.
00:49:29.000 You park it in a nice spot.
00:49:31.000 You make sure you don't drive it drunk.
00:49:33.000 You make sure it's insured.
00:49:35.000 It's got all its registration and everything.
00:49:38.000 You're delicate with it.
00:49:39.000 It's different than a rental.
00:49:41.000 It's different than a Toyota Corolla.
00:49:43.000 You don't abuse it. 1.00
00:49:45.000 And these girls are going out and getting fucking shithammered, doing shots, going home alone, puking, and living in shitty neighborhoods too. 1.00
00:49:54.000 Like all these girls who move to East New York and Bushwick and then party and get wasted. 1.00
00:50:00.000 It's not good.
00:50:03.000 Okay?
00:50:04.000 Are we good?
00:50:07.000 Yeah.
00:50:07.000 I want to talk to Cassandra Fairbanks today on the show because she knows Julian Assange and he was just arrested.
00:50:17.000 The Ecuadorian embassy kicked him out.
00:50:18.000 I think it's because the president of Ecuador got, he likes to be served lobster in bed.
00:50:24.000 He doesn't just have like a croissant. 0.95
00:50:26.000 and uh an espresso in bed he has a full it looks like Mugabe's 70th birthday there's just like massive lobster and all this stuff all that he eats lying down so and and obviously Ecuador is not doing great financially it's a shithole 0.98
00:50:44.000 And that picture got leaked and the president just lost it and said, get fucking Julian Assange out of here. 0.95
00:50:48.000 But I don't think he had anything to do with that. 0.97
00:50:50.000 Look, it's a leak.
00:50:51.000 He's a leak guy.
00:50:52.000 I want him gone.
00:50:53.000 And you know what else? 1.00
00:50:54.000 Tell people that he rubs shit all over the walls of his bathroom. 1.00
00:50:57.000 And they go, what? 1.00
00:50:58.000 But he's OCD. 1.00
00:51:01.000 They don't touch shit. 1.00
00:51:02.000 They're obsessed with not going near shit. 1.00
00:51:05.000 They use four wet wipes to wipe their ass. 1.00
00:51:09.000 Like on top of each other. 1.00
00:51:11.000 And they spreaded this rumor.
00:51:12.000 So I called Cassandra yesterday at my kid's softball, baseball game.
00:51:17.000 I said, what's going on here? 0.99
00:51:18.000 And she goes, it's just a fucking lie. 0.99
00:51:21.000 So much of what is in the news is just a lie. 1.00
00:51:24.000 You got to read between the lines here. 0.98
00:51:26.000 One, when I read the post, I see that we're all pussies and we expect everyone else to solve our problems. 0.96
00:51:30.000 And two, when you see things like, yeah, Julian Assange, they had to kick him out. 1.00
00:51:34.000 He was smearing shit on the walls. 0.99
00:51:36.000 No, he was not. 0.99
00:51:38.000 And she told me she's gone pee in that very bathroom that they're talking about.
00:51:44.000 She said there's a little post-it note above the toilet that says, please ensure toilet paper goes over as opposed to under.
00:51:53.000 You know what that means?
00:51:55.000 No.
00:51:56.000 Why'd you nod then?
00:51:59.000 You just nodded.
00:52:01.000 Is that how you get through life?
00:52:04.000 I just, um... I just don't know.
00:52:07.000 Well, why'd you nod?
00:52:08.000 Nod means, yep, that's what I figured.
00:52:09.000 No, it's just like, hmm.
00:52:12.000 Hmm, I don't know.
00:52:13.000 I have received the words.
00:52:14.000 Well, maybe you should go back to head school.
00:52:16.000 Because right-left, right-left means me-no-no.
00:52:20.000 And up-ee-down-ee, up-ee-down-ee means, yep. 0.98
00:52:22.000 Isn't head school what you do before you ride passenger or blowjob passenger? 0.98
00:52:26.000 You go to head school? 0.88
00:52:27.000 Yeah, that was her first... She was just doing her internship.
00:52:30.000 Yeah, what do you call that?
00:52:32.000 Her residence?
00:52:32.000 What do doctors do at a hospital when they start out?
00:52:34.000 Residency?
00:52:35.000 Yeah, she's just doing her residence.
00:52:37.000 No, it's not internship.
00:52:38.000 She's doing her residency thing.
00:52:42.000 But uh... Wait, now I forgot what I was talking about thanks to you.
00:52:46.000 No, it's the toilet paper, up or down.
00:52:47.000 Oh yeah, so it's when you put toilet paper in the thing, it either falls forward, right?
00:52:53.000 Or some people make it face the other way, so it's either like a gay man's hand going, hi girl, or a beggar putting his hand out going, please can I have some change?
00:53:03.000 Right. 0.99
00:53:03.000 Now my fucking wife does the please can I have some change thing. 0.99
00:53:07.000 Drives me nuts. 1.00
00:53:08.000 I have to keep switching it every time I'm there.
00:53:11.000 Is there any, besides reaching out and grabbing it, is there any benefit like the weight of the front of it when you tear off a chunk?
00:53:17.000 I don't know if it's tough to justify.
00:53:19.000 Well, there's less friction when it's, it's got its hand out and you're pulling it.
00:53:23.000 I don't know.
00:53:23.000 You're scraping it along the porcelain.
00:53:24.000 Not that the porcelain is dirty or anything.
00:53:26.000 It's just, I can't explain why it's better.
00:53:28.000 I'm going to test it out.
00:53:29.000 It's just better.
00:53:32.000 Okay.
00:53:33.000 So have we caught up on everything?
00:53:35.000 Yes. 0.99
00:53:36.000 White people on Twitter annoy me. 0.99
00:53:38.000 They talk about blacks in a racist way, but they put them on a pedestal instead of in the gutter. 0.98
00:53:44.000 Cassandra Fairbanks, I got to talk to her about this Julian Assange stuff.
00:53:47.000 Oh, there's Avi Yemeni and Sidney Watson.
00:53:52.000 They were both banned from America.
00:53:55.000 You know why?
00:53:58.000 Because Comedy Central doesn't like them.
00:54:03.000 Here's the deal.
00:54:04.000 Here's a story which you haven't heard.
00:54:06.000 It's actually good that Ryan is sort of the co-host of this show or the punching bag because I end up explaining things that maybe you guys haven't heard if you are equally not aware of what's going on.
00:54:20.000 Jeff Jeffries.
00:54:21.000 Is that his name?
00:54:23.000 Wait a minute.
00:54:23.000 Jim Jeffries.
00:54:24.000 I hope so. 0.92
00:54:28.000 What kind of sadist with the last name Jeffries would name his kid Jeff? 0.89
00:54:32.000 No, it's Jim Jeffries. 0.79
00:54:33.000 So Jim Jeffries interviewed Avi Yamini and he interviewed him about Islam.
00:54:38.000 Now Avi's an Israeli-Australian and he's not bananas about Islam, which is reasonable.
00:54:49.000 And he was in the IDF, so uh, Avi was, so he sits down with him and he says, Jim Jeffrey says the stupidest question I've ever heard, he says, don't you wish people, who are you, who is anyone to judge who gets to go where? 0.64
00:55:04.000 Who can live where? 0.86
00:55:05.000 Who are you to judge that?
00:55:08.000 Jim, it's called borders.
00:55:10.000 Everyone is everyone to judge that.
00:55:12.000 Mexico doesn't allow illegals.
00:55:14.000 Turn on cable access next time you're in the Caribbean and all these bohemians are talking about is Haitians coming into their country. 1.00
00:55:24.000 Illegals. 0.95
00:55:25.000 It's actually pretty refreshing.
00:55:26.000 I do this every time I'm on vacation in the Caribbean. 1.00
00:55:29.000 I watch public access and all they talk about is illegal immigration and it's wealthy black countries shitting on poor black countries. 1.00
00:55:37.000 So it's 1.00
00:55:38.000 Immigration devoid of the race issue. 0.99
00:55:43.000 It's fascinating.
00:55:45.000 And it's fascinating all the scams they do.
00:55:47.000 Like the Haitians will somehow sneak into Jamaica and work tirelessly to get Jamaican citizenship. 1.00
00:55:53.000 Then they'll go to America illegally. 0.98
00:55:55.000 And then if they get caught, they get extradited back to Jamaica.
00:55:58.000 Because that's what their passport says.
00:56:01.000 So it's like a buffer where you can't be sent back to Haiti.
00:56:06.000 They use Jamaica as a stepping stone. 1.00
00:56:08.000 Any of his.
00:56:09.000 Jim Jeffries asks him that, and Avi goes, yeah, I guess so.
00:56:13.000 I mean, I understand the utopia you're talking about, but we don't have that utopia.
00:56:19.000 We live here on Earth, and Earth has countries, and countries are defined by borders.
00:56:23.000 That's the way it is for everyone.
00:56:25.000 Sorry, I wish there was a world without prison, but some people murder, so you got to put them in prison.
00:56:30.000 And then much later in the interview, he talks about, you know, immigrants that hate the country they moved to. 0.97
00:56:36.000 And he says, I don't understand that mentality.
00:56:38.000 Why wouldn't you just move back? 0.74
00:56:40.000 And if you got your way, eventually this country that you just moved to would be the same shithole you left originally.
00:56:49.000 So then he takes Avi's point there and sticks it to his question about who are you to judge? 0.96
00:56:56.000 So it makes him look like he hates immigration because of Muslims.
00:57:01.000 And then Jim Jeffries airs it right after the shooting in Christchurch, New Zealand, even though this whole thing is months old. 1.00
00:57:12.000 Isn't that fucked up?
00:57:15.000 And Comedy Central, I don't know where they got this power from, they managed to shut down any reference Avi has of this, but they keep their edited version up. 0.97
00:57:26.000 Jim Jeffries doesn't respond, Comedy Central doesn't respond.
00:57:30.000 And they managed to scam everyone.
00:57:33.000 And then, Avi goes, you know what, I'm gonna go to the Jim Jefferies Show, and I'll see if I can, you know, ambush him after with a microphone, and say, Jim, why did you show that heavily edited version of our interview?
00:57:46.000 And talk to people in the audience and stuff.
00:57:48.000 You know, journalism. 1.00
00:57:49.000 So Comedy Central goes, no, no, no, we need this thing to fucking die. 0.99
00:57:52.000 They get it off YouTube. 0.99
00:57:53.000 And what they do is they call the FBI and they say Jim Jeffries is a terrorist.
00:57:59.000 Sorry, Avi Yamini is a terrorist.
00:58:01.000 Sidney Watson is a terrorist. 0.81
00:58:03.000 And then they send the FBI pictures of him covered in guns.
00:58:06.000 Well, yeah, that was Avi's uniform when he was in the IDF.
00:58:10.000 They were issued by Israel, which is an ally of ours.
00:58:14.000 That's the same as being in the German Army or the Italian Army.
00:58:17.000 That's part of our alliance.
00:58:19.000 So there's nothing wrong with him carrying those government-issued guns.
00:58:24.000 And no, he's not going to kill Jim, but it works.
00:58:27.000 All it takes is a complaint now.
00:58:29.000 I think Martina Mercota's fiancé is being held away, banned from America because Antifa lied and said he was a terrorist.
00:58:37.000 And these, these FBI agents fall for it.
00:58:39.000 I don't get that part.
00:58:40.000 You just get to call up and say, yeah, ban him.
00:58:43.000 So Avi flies to LA.
00:58:45.000 He's on his way to Baltimore, New York, whatever.
00:58:48.000 And they turn him around after 18 hours of interrogation, they send him back to Australia.
00:58:52.000 Sydney gets to stay because she's a partially, she has dual citizenship, but she's also interrogated for hours.
00:58:59.000 Because Comedy Central can't afford to be embarrassed.
00:59:03.000 And they're not embarrassed for something they didn't do.
00:59:05.000 They're embarrassed for something they did do.
00:59:07.000 Meanwhile, we got terrorists touring the country!
00:59:13.000 Touring Australia!
00:59:14.000 Touring America!
00:59:15.000 Jihadists! 1.00
00:59:18.000 We got Farrakhan!
00:59:19.000 We got Omar Khadr!
00:59:21.000 A terrorist who killed an American soldier, blinded another,
00:59:27.000 He comes back after Guantanamo or Abu Ghirab or whatever it was, Abu Ghraib, and the Prime Minister awards him $10 million for the inconvenience of being arrested. 0.99
00:59:40.000 The double standard is fucking insane! 0.99
00:59:44.000 So they lie about us, they say we smear shit on the walls, they ban us from countries because we might embarrass leftist corporations, and, you know, 1.00
00:59:57.000 No one watches CNN anymore. 0.99
00:59:58.000 No one watches cable news.
01:00:00.000 They watch... Alex Jones was talking about this on InfoWars the other day.
01:00:04.000 They watch Colbert.
01:00:06.000 They get their news from these comedians.
01:00:08.000 And these comedians aren't there to get the facts out.
01:00:11.000 They're there to make a joke.
01:00:13.000 They're there to make a funny story.
01:00:17.000 Alright, let's get through some mail.
01:00:21.000 And then we'll have to wrap this up.
01:00:24.000 This is from Danny Bragg.
01:00:26.000 I too beget flatulence during stressful situations.
01:00:30.000 Have I already read this one, Ryan?
01:00:33.000 Yeah.
01:00:35.000 I too beget flatulence during stressful situations.
01:00:37.000 For instance, if I hang out with a girl, when we part company, I will be blowing minute-long farts from the deep chasms of my bowels.
01:00:44.000 Is there any remedy you have found for this that you haven't shared with us?
01:00:48.000 Like you more than a friend, your brother in Christ, Danny B. That's one of the hardest things.
01:00:53.000 I remember a comedian saying he doesn't like seeing couples on first dates because you're just watching two people hold in their farts.
01:01:00.000 Because you can't fart around a woman ever. 0.99
01:01:03.000 Ever. 0.82
01:01:05.000 Every time, and that includes your wife by the way.
01:01:08.000 The bed isn't off when you guys get married. 1.00
01:01:10.000 You can't just sit there taking a shit while she brushes her teeth. 1.00
01:01:13.000 In fact, you should do your darndest, and this is unfortunate for people who live in New York City, Manhattan proper. 0.99
01:01:19.000 You want to do your best to make sure you have separate bathrooms.
01:01:21.000 That's what makes a marriage last. 1.00
01:01:23.000 You want to convince yourself your wife doesn't shit. 1.00
01:01:27.000 And every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings. 1.00
01:01:31.000 You do not want... Do you fart around your girlfriend, Ryan? 1.00
01:01:35.000 I've slipped.
01:01:37.000 What I did was I held it, held it, held it, and at night time I wake myself up farting.
01:01:42.000 Like a loud old man fart where my butt cheeks clap together. 0.99
01:01:49.000 And I just wake up and I'm like, oh fuck. 1.00
01:01:52.000 Good. 1.00
01:01:52.000 As long as you know that it's bad. 1.00
01:01:54.000 Yeah.
01:01:55.000 By the way, I don't, I don't get farting.
01:01:57.000 What do you mean?
01:01:58.000 How is it so loud?
01:02:00.000 I don't know.
01:02:01.000 Like it's really hard to make your mouth go.
01:02:04.000 Right. 0.99
01:02:05.000 You've got to really apply pressure with your lips and some air comes out of your butthole and it's the loudest thing in town. 0.99
01:02:12.000 Well, 0.99
01:02:13.000 Our mouths are huge orifices comparatively, you know? 0.97
01:02:17.000 It's like an anus was designed to make farts as loud as possible. 0.93
01:02:21.000 Like a little horn. 0.96
01:02:22.000 Yeah, like a little horn.
01:02:24.000 God, what are you doing with that?
01:02:25.000 I understand that air gets trapped in your body and you want to get rid of it so you burp and fart.
01:02:29.000 Gotcha.
01:02:30.000 Great design.
01:02:32.000 But why is it... Burps aren't that loud.
01:02:34.000 You have to really sort of open your mouth and like ROCK to get a burp to go loud.
01:02:39.000 And you're sort of using your voice and stuff. 0.98
01:02:41.000 But a butthole, there's no, in fact, it's bad to have a loud fart. 0.99
01:02:46.000 Predators can hear you. 0.99
01:02:47.000 I love being at, and I was just farting away, just throughout the whole class, and as I was just farting and farting away.
01:02:57.000 As I was just farting and farting away.
01:02:59.000 That's from nohate.com, my brother's website, where he was talking about naked fart yoga.
01:03:04.000 I highly recommend that.
01:03:07.000 So, when we meet company, I'll be blowing men along.
01:03:10.000 So here's my advice to you, sir. 0.99
01:03:12.000 The beauty of those nervous farts is they tend not to reek, because you've already had your shits in the morning. 0.99
01:03:18.000 So my advice would be to never ever fart around a lady. 1.00
01:03:23.000 If you can go to the bathroom, go fart there. 0.89
01:03:25.000 Now, if you're in a relationship where you're sleeping with her, and you're in the same bed, and I am, obviously, I've been married for a bunch of years.
01:03:34.000 Have I been married 12 years?
01:03:36.000 Yeah, I think so.
01:03:37.000 Yeah, I've been married for about 12 years.
01:03:39.000 What I do now is, if she's asleep,
01:03:42.000 I purse my fingers like I'm, uh, like I'm, uh, squishing a bug.
01:03:49.000 You know what I mean?
01:03:50.000 Like thumb and forefinger pinch.
01:03:51.000 I pinch my fingers together. 0.99
01:03:53.000 I go down to my anal lips. 0.98
01:03:55.000 I push on my anus and then I open up the anal lips and then my fart comes out like, and there's no sound. 0.99
01:04:07.000 And that way she won't wake up. 0.99
01:04:08.000 Now sometimes those reek.
01:04:09.000 Because now it's so late.
01:04:10.000 Now it's like 1 a.m. 1.00
01:04:12.000 and your body's ready for the morning shit. 1.00
01:04:14.000 So there's some poo in there. 1.00
01:04:15.000 Getting started.
01:04:17.000 It's very rare the smell will wake her up.
01:04:19.000 So my advice is, if you're dating and you feel a fart coming on, go to the bathroom. 0.99
01:04:24.000 And also, pat yourself on the bum. 0.99
01:04:24.000 Get rid of it. 0.99
01:04:27.000 Like pat your anus because you're going to have air trapped between your butthole and your jeans. 0.99
01:04:32.000 And so when you pat, you sort of get that air out of there and give it a few shakes and then go back out to the date. 1.00
01:04:39.000 Um, and then obviously, and when things get more serious, you should turn your, basically turn your asshole into a gay man's asshole and just let the farts sort of exhale out. 1.00
01:04:50.000 You know when we were watching that Sebastian Maniscalco, you know my girlfriend's there and his bit was whole like, the wife asked him, oh you want me to pause the movie while you go to the bathroom? 1.00
01:05:01.000 The bathroom's so close that she'd be able to hear him shit. 0.94
01:05:04.000 She's like, no turn it, leave it on, actually turn it up a little bit. 0.99
01:05:08.000 And he tells her like turn it up so that the volume covers his farting.
01:05:11.000 And I'm sitting there, I'm starting to laugh at it, and I'm like, what is he talking about?
01:05:16.000 I have no idea what that plight is like. 0.97
01:05:20.000 Oh, it's so fucking heinous. 0.77
01:05:22.000 You know what's kind of weird, though? 0.99
01:05:23.000 When women fart, which you're supposed to hate, right? 1.00
01:05:26.000 Because I don't like the idea of women being human. 1.00
01:05:30.000 It's weird that you get kind of turned on. 0.92
01:05:32.000 Oh, you had a little fart, did you? 0.96
01:05:34.000 Yeah.
01:05:34.000 Yeah.
01:05:35.000 Oh, look at you.
01:05:36.000 My little fart.
01:05:36.000 Actually, if you read James Joyce's letters to his wife, he is obsessed with the idea of her farting.
01:05:44.000 He even calls him, calls his wife, her, his little farting farter.
01:05:49.000 Oh, that's rough. 0.64
01:05:50.000 Yeah.
01:05:51.000 Look it up.
01:05:51.000 That's pretty rough.
01:05:52.000 Why?
01:05:53.000 You're so weird.
01:05:53.000 I say, I say something like that where it'd be crucial for you to look up James Joyce farting farter, but then I say, I mentioned Conor McGregor and you spend the entire show watching his fights.
01:06:05.000 No, no, no.
01:06:05.000 I was just watching.
01:06:06.000 I was watching his moments, like every time he freaked out.
01:06:09.000 That doesn't help the podcast.
01:06:10.000 Sure.
01:06:10.000 Your job, you're the Jamie guy in the Joe Rogan thing.
01:06:13.000 You're supposed to pull that shit up, Jamie. 1.00
01:06:15.000 Oh, wow. 1.00
01:06:15.000 That's crazy, man. 1.00
01:06:17.000 Pull that shit up real quick, Jamie. 1.00
01:06:18.000 Well, he'd also be looking up McGregor stuff. 0.99
01:06:22.000 James Joyce, yeah, okay.
01:06:24.000 I said, look up James Joyce farting farter.
01:06:26.000 Farting farter, got it.
01:06:28.000 It's not hard. 1.00
01:06:29.000 Okay, fart- Fat, dirty farts at every fuck I gave you at your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger, stronger fuck than usual, fat, dirty farts came sputtering out of your backside. 1.00
01:06:42.000 There's one- There's another fart one. 1.00
01:06:44.000 You know what, there's a lot of them.
01:06:46.000 James, you're one of the greatest writers in the history of man.
01:06:49.000 That is one of the shittiest love letters.
01:06:52.000 Literally.
01:06:53.000 I've ever read.
01:06:54.000 Here's another one.
01:06:54.000 He's Irish, by the way.
01:06:55.000 I don't know why you're doing an English accent.
01:06:57.000 Here's another fart one.
01:06:58.000 This one's short.
01:07:13.000 No end of farts in my face.
01:07:15.000 I hope Nora will let off no end of farts in my face so that I may know her smell also. 0.90
01:07:21.000 Boy, they were weird back then.
01:07:22.000 That's enough.
01:07:23.000 We got it.
01:07:23.000 We got it.
01:07:25.000 I think James Joyce wasn't aware of queefs. 1.00
01:07:29.000 You don't fuck butt farts out of a chick. 1.00
01:07:32.000 Right. 1.00
01:07:32.000 He's probably got her legs up, she's a chubby lass, and there's some queefs happening. 1.00
01:07:38.000 And he's so inexperienced in the ways of love.
01:07:41.000 You know another thing I wanted to bring up on this podcast?
01:07:44.000 Have you ever read the letters men would write to each other back in the 1800s?
01:07:49.000 No.
01:07:51.000 Like when you read the founding fathers, my son, before he became a baseball Asperger's kid, he had a much wider palette of interests.
01:07:59.000 And one of them was Ben Franklin.
01:08:01.000 And we'd see these letters that they would write, like Thomas Jefferson would write to Abe Lincoln, blah, blah, blah. 0.94
01:08:08.000 I guess Abe Lincoln's a little later on down the line, but, uh, they were gay. 1.00
01:08:14.000 I miss you so much and stuff like that? 0.50
01:08:16.000 Oh, Thomas.
01:08:17.000 Your presence will be sorely missed.
01:08:19.000 How I long to see you again.
01:08:22.000 Your long grey hair and your acerbic wit.
01:08:27.000 You, being around you, is a true joy, my friend.
01:08:32.000 A true loving joy.
01:08:35.000 I don't know.
01:08:36.000 I mean, because you would miss people more though, right?
01:08:38.000 You would have no pictures of them and you could only contact Violet.
01:08:42.000 Oh, okay.
01:08:43.000 So, if I went blackout.
01:08:45.000 Yeah.
01:08:45.000 Gone for six months.
01:08:48.000 From you.
01:08:49.000 And there was no social media. 0.94
01:08:50.000 You'd send me this long letter going, Oh, Gavin, how I miss your silly stache and the ways your eyes would sparkle in the night. 0.93
01:09:00.000 How you batter me for my financial flubs. 0.98
01:09:02.000 Oh, our silly repertoire, how I long for your cruel barbs. 0.97
01:09:09.000 They sting in a delicate... No. 0.88
01:09:11.000 Conjuring names of bands that not quite exist yet.
01:09:15.000 We're just not faggy anymore. 0.99
01:09:17.000 Well, I almost sent you a gay text the other day. 0.98
01:09:19.000 I was going to say, hey man, I really love working with you. 1.00
01:09:22.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99
01:09:22.000 I'm glad you didn't send that. 0.99
01:09:25.000 Because I was drunk. 1.00
01:09:26.000 There's a lot of evidence that Abe Lincoln is a fag. 1.00
01:09:29.000 He's a fag. 1.00
01:09:29.000 He's a fag. 1.00
01:09:30.000 He's a fag. 1.00
01:09:33.000 He's a fag. 1.00
01:09:35.000 No, did you know that? 1.00
01:09:36.000 No.
01:09:37.000 He didn't sleep with his wife.
01:09:40.000 Oh, right.
01:09:41.000 I've heard that.
01:09:41.000 I've heard that.
01:09:42.000 Yeah, he slept with his secretary, but back then, a secretary wasn't like, hello, you can't go in there, you can't go in there!
01:09:52.000 Right.
01:09:53.000 In every movie, isn't that every single movie?
01:09:55.000 Ghostbusters, Intern.
01:09:57.000 I just saw Shazam on the weekend, and they had a, you can't go in there!
01:10:01.000 Yeah, they always don't want you to go in there.
01:10:04.000 You're always not allowed to go in there.
01:10:06.000 Who?
01:10:08.000 Though your secretary was like your right hand like you'd be my secretary in in the oldie times So he always hung with his secretary secretary was always taking notes and stuff and helping him get organized.
01:10:18.000 Gotcha.
01:10:19.000 Okay, that's fine But they would sleep in the same room together and his wife would be in another room Wow You really got to get those notes down, huh Abe?
01:10:27.000 Huh?
01:10:28.000 And they also talked, you know, he had that famous speech at Cooper Union, which is right down the street, uh, where they said he, the Southerners spoke in a very strange and almost ladylike way.
01:10:39.000 Now that could be Northerners not used to Southerners.
01:10:42.000 You know, when people meet our buddy Stockbauer in New York, they're always like, who's your gay friend?
01:10:47.000 Cause it was like, Hey guy, what's going on?
01:10:49.000 Would you like to get up or down?
01:10:51.000 Oh, you do heroin.
01:10:52.000 I don't, I like to get higher than a Georgia pine. 0.97
01:10:55.000 I can see them thinking he's gay if they don't get southerners, so maybe that was it. 0.97
01:10:59.000 Or maybe Abe Lincoln was a raging queen. 1.00
01:11:03.000 Maybe it was like four score and seven years ago.
01:11:07.000 It was icky.
01:11:09.000 I'll tell you what, if I could maintain the Union without freeing one slave, I would.
01:11:16.000 So there is a great argument that this war is actually not about slavery, it's about maintaining the Union.
01:11:21.000 I'm serious, you guys.
01:11:24.000 Daniel Day-Lewis did a really shitty job of sounding like me. 0.97
01:11:30.000 Cause he was all like, he made me sound so butch.
01:11:33.000 Did you see that movie? 0.96
01:11:35.000 I was like, hi, I'm Abe Lincoln, I'm like so butch.
01:11:38.000 That was weird.
01:11:40.000 Method, more like, uh, no.
01:11:44.000 Ew.
01:11:45.000 You jumped on that pun train with no idea what the destination was?
01:11:49.000 Oh yeah, no, that was, I had nothing.
01:11:51.000 Who does that?
01:11:51.000 I just wanted to do the voice.
01:11:52.000 So you start out, okay, I'm going to do a method pun.
01:11:55.000 Yes.
01:11:55.000 And I have no pun.
01:11:57.000 Yeah, I realized nothing really rhymes with method that I could think of.
01:12:00.000 Do you do knock-knock jokes where you don't know who's there either?
01:12:04.000 Uh, no.
01:12:05.000 Knock knock. 0.99
01:12:05.000 Who's there? 0.99
01:12:06.000 Pumpkin.
01:12:06.000 Pumpkin who?
01:12:07.000 I don't, I just want, I just wanted to say pumpkin. 0.92
01:12:13.000 Hey Gavin, this is from Matt T. Hey Gavin, as a Catholic, what do you think of all the child raping going on in the church right now? 0.99
01:12:20.000 I'm a Catholic as well, and I have to say, I'm struggling with going to church, not knowing if the priest who's lecturing me for 36 minutes every Sunday is a fucking, is fucking children or not. 0.99
01:12:29.000 See, I changed the context by reading it rock and roll. 0.99
01:12:32.000 Yeah, it's like The Stones.
01:12:33.000 They'll have a pleasant sounding song and the lyrics will be really dark.
01:12:37.000 Shouldn't we be doing something about this? 0.99
01:12:39.000 Clearly the leaders in the church, like our shitty socialist pope, don't give a fuck, so I feel like we should be taking matters into our own hands. 0.99
01:12:46.000 I used to get mad at people like Joe Rogan for saying it's a cult of child fuckers, but at this point I'm having a tough time defending the church when time and time again they keep getting caught doing awful things. 1.00
01:12:57.000 Also, Pope Francis is a loser. 1.00
01:12:59.000 Do you still go to church every week? 0.99
01:13:00.000 I'd love your thoughts.
01:13:01.000 Matt!
01:13:04.000 Um... Yes, Matt, you've touched upon something that is deep in my heart.
01:13:10.000 It's a major problem I am having with Catholicism.
01:13:13.000 I am highly conflicted about my religion after learning about the tens of thousands of children.
01:13:19.000 I used to say... Now one thing, this is... A lot of these cases you're hearing about are the 80s. 0.95
01:13:26.000 And these are grown men going, I was fucked when I was a kid. 0.79
01:13:29.000 But there are also modern cases. 0.97
01:13:31.000 And I had a guy on my old show, Get Off My Lawn Season 1, where he said this was a long plan. 1.00
01:13:38.000 The gay elite said, let's infiltrate the Catholic Church and we'll mark certain boys with certain amulets to signal to other priests that, hey, you can fuck this one. 0.99
01:13:48.000 So just to go back over this, the two common theories on why this is. 0.99
01:13:53.000 And by the way, lefties, I know you think you caught us with the smoking gun.
01:13:57.000 You realize they're gays, right? 1.00
01:14:00.000 They don't molest young girls, and they don't molest toddlers. 0.98
01:14:03.000 They molest post-pubescent boys. 0.99
01:14:06.000 So you're seeing homosexuals. 0.99
01:14:09.000 So I'm sorry, but if you want to jump on the Catholic bashing, you're also jumping on the gay bashing. 0.99
01:14:15.000 You are homophobic if you have a problem with all this. 0.99
01:14:19.000 It is a gay problem as well. 1.00
01:14:21.000 Gay Catholic. 1.00
01:14:23.000 Yes, Catholic priests have been fucking young men. 1.00
01:14:25.000 Gay Catholic priests, okay? 1.00
01:14:27.000 So can we just get on board with that? 0.99
01:14:29.000 This isn't as convenient as you thought it was.
01:14:31.000 But it is happening.
01:14:33.000 And the only question is, was this a planned infiltration?
01:14:36.000 Like Church Militant says, churchmilitant.com, is that their website?
01:14:40.000 And they say, no, this is a long, this is a plan.
01:14:43.000 This was set out long ago. 0.83
01:14:44.000 I don't know, a hundred years ago, maybe less than that, to infiltrate the church and get lots of sex.
01:14:53.000 The other more common belief is that, you know, you got an Italian family, all the boys are normal.
01:14:59.000 And then that youngest boy isn't interested in girls. 1.00
01:15:01.000 Well, he can't be a fag. 1.00
01:15:02.000 So let's put him in the church and you can't stop sex. 1.00
01:15:02.000 That's gross. 1.00
01:15:05.000 So it just ends up coming out in a horrible way and molestation.
01:15:08.000 I don't know. 0.97
01:15:11.000 I don't know which one it is, but I do know that I obviously have a major problem with it, especially because one of the things, one of the reasons I back Tommy Robinson so much is these grooming gangs, the Pakistani Muslim grooming gangs in Luton and all over the UK, where hundreds of young girls are getting molested, raped, groomed to be raped. 0.98
01:15:33.000 How can you bitch about that and then also have a church where you are essentially advocating molestation? 0.98
01:15:44.000 Now I will say, and no I haven't been to church in a long time, when all this shit hit the fan and my name and I was doxxed and everything I would go to church and I would I was a human distraction. 0.98
01:15:54.000 So I haven't been since for a few months and I'm not proud of that. 0.99
01:15:58.000 But I'm also very conflicted about this child raping shit. 0.99
01:16:01.000 But I will say in the Catholic Church's defense, I haven't seen more people mad about it than Catholics. 1.00
01:16:09.000 Like unlike the grooming gangs in Britain where you get moderate Muslims just sort of trying to poo-poo it and sweep it under the rug, Catholics are up in arms about this. 0.66
01:16:18.000 They're furious and they're really mad about this Pope.
01:16:23.000 Um, and they want it changed.
01:16:25.000 They want these, these, I mean, the ones that are going to these Pope's, uh, these priests homes and, you know, doxing them and, and quizzing them and outing them are Catholics.
01:16:41.000 But we have, we have a great Pope in the mix.
01:16:43.000 Have you heard of this Vatican Cardinal Robert Serra?
01:16:47.000 He's a Western chauvinist.
01:16:50.000 Ah.
01:16:51.000 He says that mass migration is going to cause the West to disappear.
01:16:56.000 And he says, Islam will invade the world. 0.99
01:17:02.000 And he said, it's completely changing our culture, anthropology and moral vision.
01:17:08.000 Paul Joseph Watson tweeted him out and he said, if this guy becomes the next Pope, I'm going full trad Catholic.
01:17:13.000 Where is, where is the Cardinal Robert Serra?
01:17:18.000 He's a block man.
01:17:22.000 So to answer your question, folk at home.
01:17:26.000 Oh, he's in Guinea.
01:17:28.000 Why do they call Italians Guineas? 1.00
01:17:32.000 Isn't that a stupid insult? 1.00
01:17:33.000 That's like calling them Germans. 1.00
01:17:35.000 Yeah.
01:17:36.000 Where is Guinea?
01:17:37.000 Isn't that the most diverse place in the world?
01:17:39.000 Or is that Ghana?
01:17:42.000 There's Papua New Guinea and there's Guinea.
01:17:44.000 Are they the same?
01:17:46.000 It's in Africa. 0.84
01:17:47.000 Africa. 0.98
01:17:48.000 They eat the poopoo. 0.66
01:17:50.000 They eat the poopoo in Guinea.
01:17:53.000 Papua New Guinea is a different place.
01:17:57.000 It's on the Ivory Coast, I guess.
01:17:58.000 It's on the West Coast.
01:17:59.000 I guess it's French.
01:18:03.000 It is in West Africa.
01:18:05.000 It was formerly known as French Guinea.
01:18:07.000 The modern country is sometimes referred to as Guinea Conakry in order to distinguish it.
01:18:14.000 So that is why it is Catholic because the French dominated it for many... Here's another thing I wanted to bring up.
01:18:21.000 Why colonize?
01:18:23.000 Why do we do that?
01:18:25.000 Just setting up camp.
01:18:27.000 Why?
01:18:28.000 You took a boat ride, you wind up in a shithole, you're like, let's just kind of try to make this place better for a little bit.
01:18:33.000 There's a Boomtown Rats song where he goes, and another piece of red left my atlas today.
01:18:42.000 No more Singapore, no Streamy Nights of Malta, goodbye to Gibraltar. 0.99
01:18:48.000 You should be looking up that song, Shit for Brains. 1.00
01:18:50.000 Oh. 0.99
01:18:51.000 It's a what song?
01:18:53.000 It's called Another Piece of Red Left My Atlas Today.
01:18:55.000 And I'm listening to that song and I'm going, yeah, what, like, what were we doing in South Africa?
01:19:02.000 We killed all those families.
01:19:04.000 Churchill and his boys killed all these women and children in order to dominate the Boers and take over South Africa. 1.00
01:19:12.000 Why?
01:19:14.000 Well, it was the Industrial Revolution, Gavin, and Britain was thriving.
01:19:19.000 We had all this excess money and power and ships, and it's man's normal tendency to expend.
01:19:27.000 Why?
01:19:29.000 Why not just have a bunch of British billionaires walking around with gold shoes on?
01:19:34.000 And you build up your borders.
01:19:36.000 You're an island. 0.97
01:19:38.000 And you have an awesome country called England, where there's no debt and everyone's fucking rich. 0.94
01:19:44.000 Why ain't go... Yes, I understand we're doing quite well, but couldn't we go kill all the women and children in South Africa? 1.00
01:19:51.000 If you want something from South Africa, buy it! 1.00
01:19:57.000 Is this Bob Geldof lamenting colonization?
01:20:17.000 Alright, that's enough of that.
01:20:37.000 Isn't that interesting?
01:20:38.000 This is back when you could have nuance in art.
01:20:42.000 That's basically a pro-colonization song where he's lamenting all the red falling off his atlas and Britain being just Britain.
01:20:49.000 But yeah, why do we do that?
01:20:51.000 Like we had this horrible war in America where we lost the equivalent of 5 million today, 620,000.
01:20:58.000 We have our own strife.
01:20:59.000 We finally figured that out.
01:21:01.000 Ended slavery.
01:21:02.000 Maintained the Union.
01:21:03.000 We have this country deep into debt.
01:21:05.000 13 trillion.
01:21:06.000 I don't understand this compulsion to go out. 0.99
01:21:08.000 Like, why the fuck did we take over Puerto Rico? 0.99
01:21:12.000 I'm sitting here with a guy wearing a fake gold chain. 0.99
01:21:15.000 Who, me?
01:21:18.000 Yeah.
01:21:19.000 You're a Puerto Rican. 0.87
01:21:20.000 Well, I'm trying to see if I like a chain around my neck.
01:21:23.000 I'm not going to go ahead and buy gold anytime soon, but my excuse to myself... Ryan, you're not going to pay off your 12 grand for three years.
01:21:31.000 You don't have to go to a gold internship and wear a plastic chain to see how you feel about buying a gold chain.
01:21:39.000 Buying a gold chain is not high on your priority list.
01:21:41.000 You don't need to train for it.
01:21:43.000 Folks at home, Ryan Katsu Rivera is presently training
01:21:47.000 To wear a gold chain.
01:21:48.000 Chaining.
01:21:49.000 He's chaining!
01:21:50.000 Yes.
01:21:51.000 He's a chain intern right now.
01:21:54.000 I like it so far.
01:21:55.000 Makes me feel good about myself.
01:21:57.000 You know who's pretty interesting, by the way?
01:21:59.000 Luis Gomez.
01:22:00.000 Like, this idea that you shouldn't colonize and there's no real reason for it.
01:22:05.000 Just, if you want potatoes from someplace, buy them.
01:22:07.000 You're rich.
01:22:08.000 You don't need to kill everyone and own the potato chain.
01:22:11.000 Now, the oil in Saudi Arabia, well, maybe there's an argument there. 0.99
01:22:14.000 I don't know why we gave all these fucking Bedouins 1.00
01:22:18.000 These roaming camel riders are now kabillionaires. 1.00
01:22:23.000 And what do they do?
01:22:23.000 They start Al Jazeera.
01:22:25.000 They terrorize us.
01:22:26.000 They ride cars on two wheels. 0.99
01:22:28.000 They get prostitutes. 0.98
01:22:30.000 They have harems. 1.00
01:22:32.000 Why the fuck did we make them rich? 1.00
01:22:33.000 Ann Coulter's right. 0.99
01:22:34.000 We should have just said, yeah, um, we have to clean this dirt out of your water supply. 1.00
01:22:39.000 There's some weird black guck. 1.00
01:22:43.000 We'll, uh, we'll handle it for you.
01:22:45.000 It's UNICEF doing it.
01:22:46.000 It's the United Nations.
01:22:47.000 And then we'll go get rid of it ourselves.
01:22:49.000 Don't you worry your pretty little head.
01:22:51.000 But instead, we made them all billionaires.
01:22:53.000 I don't understand that one.
01:22:54.000 But that's a whole different ball of wax.
01:22:55.000 But all these other countries... And America's not bad at it, but Britain had everything!
01:23:01.000 But what were we saying about Luis J. Gomez?
01:23:03.000 He was on Anthony's show, and his insights were really interesting.
01:23:06.000 And I don't know, I think he's intelligent.
01:23:08.000 I can't believe I'm saying another nice thing about Puerto Ricans. 1.00
01:23:11.000 But they were talking about people who fall asleep with cigarettes, and they burn down their house. 1.00
01:23:16.000 And I've always just accepted that as, yeah, what a dumb drunk. 0.99
01:23:20.000 And then Luis Gomez goes, you could pay me a billion dollars and put a gun to my head. 0.99
01:23:24.000 I don't think I could light a sheet with a cigarette.
01:23:27.000 And that's called original thinking.
01:23:29.000 You don't do that anymore.
01:23:31.000 And he's right.
01:23:33.000 I never thought of that.
01:23:34.000 You see these dummies with Antifa, they try burning the American flag and they just have a lighter and the American flag. 1.00
01:23:40.000 It's not made of gas, dumbass. 1.00
01:23:42.000 It's gonna take about an hour. 1.00
01:23:44.000 You ever started a fire in a fireplace?
01:23:47.000 It takes a while to get paper going.
01:23:49.000 For the paper to get the twigs going.
01:23:52.000 Anyway, check out that episode.
01:23:53.000 Tom Cotton, Luis Gomez, plugging the competition here.
01:23:58.000 I used to do a really good Luis J Gomez impression and it just fell away.
01:24:01.000 I don't know what happened to it.
01:24:03.000 Answer me this, Big Jay Oakerson, those cut off gloves, are those wool?
01:24:08.000 I don't know.
01:24:09.000 I don't know.
01:24:10.000 Because if they're leather I can, I guess I can forgive it?
01:24:12.000 No, they're not leather.
01:24:14.000 Well, then what other material could they be?
01:24:16.000 Cotton, polyester, a blend.
01:24:19.000 They could be cashmere.
01:24:20.000 Well, what's polyester gloves?
01:24:21.000 Or wool.
01:24:23.000 Because if he's wearing wool cut-off gloves in the summer... Pruney hands.
01:24:32.000 What is that about?
01:24:33.000 Is that a medical condition?
01:24:34.000 My theory is that he has swastika tattoos on his palms and hand. 1.00
01:24:39.000 Well, doesn't he have a giant belly tattoo that says faggot? 1.00
01:24:43.000 Oh, that was just Photoshop, sorry. 1.00
01:24:44.000 Oh.
01:24:46.000 Yeah, I don't think I can... I can... I love Big Jay Oakerson.
01:24:49.000 I think he's... He's the most talented of Legion of Skanks.
01:24:53.000 Oh, here's a close-up.
01:24:55.000 In the form of stand-up, you mean?
01:24:57.000 Yeah, I think he's the funniest guy there.
01:24:58.000 I mean, because Dave Smith could be the most talented as far as political punditry.
01:25:03.000 Yep, Dave Smith the smartest, clearly.
01:25:05.000 And they're all very close, but Big Jay, I thought that, like, if there was a, if they did a live show together, it would probably go Dave Smith opening for Lewis, opening for Big Jay.
01:25:15.000 Sure, sure.
01:25:15.000 I don't think they'd have a problem with that, would they?
01:25:17.000 No.
01:25:17.000 I mean, that's how they bill it.
01:25:19.000 All right.
01:25:20.000 Anyway, it's enough talking about those guys.
01:25:22.000 Yeah.
01:25:23.000 I got letters if you need them, but yeah.
01:25:27.000 Frank Merritt.
01:25:29.000 Hi, Gavin.
01:25:29.000 My name is Frank Merritt.
01:25:30.000 I feel you should know my name.
01:25:31.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:25:33.000 Grab a beer sometime?
01:25:33.000 No, thank you.
01:25:34.000 I love your attitude.
01:25:35.000 Diddly diddly do.
01:25:38.000 Boy, there's a lot of intros to all these things.
01:25:41.000 Just jump to the question, please.
01:25:42.000 I don't care who you are.
01:25:44.000 We're never going to meet.
01:25:45.000 I don't care about your background unless it's relevant to the question or the statement or whatever.
01:25:50.000 And, uh, we're never getting a beer.
01:25:52.000 Ever.
01:25:52.000 I promise you that.
01:25:55.000 I got my own house paid with cash.
01:25:56.000 I beat drug addiction and dealt with close family members passing.
01:25:59.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 1.00
01:26:00.000 The reason I say this, I'm not dumb dumb shit. 1.00
01:26:01.000 Duh, duh, duh, duh. 1.00
01:26:04.000 Wait, there's no point.
01:26:07.000 Just, I definitely agree with you.
01:26:08.000 I like that you tell it like it is, blah, blah, blah. 0.98
01:26:12.000 And I'm a, what the fuck kind of point, Frank, what's the point of your letter? 0.99
01:26:16.000 I like you. 0.98
01:26:17.000 I like that you speak your mind. 1.00
01:26:19.000 People are wrong to shit on you. 0.99
01:26:20.000 I'm a good guy. 1.00
01:26:21.000 I've dealt with a lot of shit. 0.99
01:26:22.000 Keep hanging on. 1.00
01:26:24.000 Frank, don't send me a letter like that.
01:26:27.000 I don't need big ups from strangers.
01:26:29.000 I need it from my wife and stuff.
01:26:31.000 After that, I don't care what people think, negative or positive.
01:26:35.000 I find compliments as irrelevant as insults.
01:26:38.000 And I can't believe people are hurt by what they read on the internet.
01:26:42.000 You know the guy saying that weighs 480 pounds, right?
01:26:46.000 Or is 12.
01:26:48.000 Like when people talk about the haters.
01:26:51.000 Haters.
01:26:52.000 It's usually people in rap.
01:26:54.000 Yo man, I got so many haters.
01:26:56.000 Those are 12 year olds and people dying of obesity.
01:26:59.000 They're not haters.
01:27:02.000 Justin Shay, you've mentioned in previous shows having a rough year in marriage.
01:27:06.000 Could you offer up any advice or tips while going through that year?
01:27:09.000 Also, do you think this usually coincides with the terrible two stage of parenthood, which in my experience is the hardest stage of parenting so far?
01:27:15.000 My oldest is 13.
01:27:19.000 Two is pretty cute.
01:27:20.000 I don't mind two.
01:27:22.000 I think there's bad kids and good kids.
01:27:24.000 Twos, yeah the terrible twos are a thing, but my first two kids were just angels and their terrible twos were the worst they got and it was pretty good.
01:27:33.000 My sixth child on the other hand, I have considered the possibility that he is Damien from the movie The Omen.
01:27:40.000 He is Satan.
01:27:41.000 And I have a lot of evidence.
01:27:44.000 I'll just give you one of maybe 50 examples.
01:27:47.000 At church they give you this little coloring page and it's Jesus with some shepherds and stuff and sheep and whatever.
01:27:56.000 I look over and he's just used the red crayon.
01:27:58.000 Jesus has a knife in his hand and everyone's had their throats slit and then there's writing on it in a black crayon.
01:28:07.000 And he can't write.
01:28:09.000 He's too young.
01:28:10.000 Doesn't know how to write.
01:28:12.000 He was, I think, like five, four and a half at this time.
01:28:14.000 And I said, what does that say?
01:28:16.000 Because we're in church.
01:28:17.000 And he goes, God is dead.
01:28:19.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.
01:28:20.000 Him and his buddy, I won't say his name, we'll call him Jeff, were fighting my 10 year old and they beat him up.
01:28:28.000 They took him down just like David and Goliath.
01:28:30.000 They managed to grab onto his shirt and jump him like the way you could get eaten by rats.
01:28:35.000 And they crawl up him and topple him and then they start punching him and kicking him.
01:28:39.000 Eventually they kick his eyeball before he can blink with a socked foot and he's crying because he can't see.
01:28:45.000 His eye was still bruised the next day.
01:28:48.000 Two six-year-olds beat up a ten-year-old.
01:28:51.000 Two six-year-olds equal 12.
01:28:52.000 Yeah.
01:28:53.000 You got beat up by a 12-year-old.
01:28:54.000 No, I've fought kids before.
01:28:57.000 I've fought a baby before.
01:28:58.000 How to fight a baby has 15 million views.
01:29:00.000 But the secret to fighting kids is you gotta block and you gotta watch your eyes.
01:29:06.000 Balls and eyes. 0.65
01:29:07.000 Soft tissue. 0.98
01:29:09.000 So if I'm fighting kids and they're not near my eyes, my hands are covering my crotch like you're hanging out with Johnny Knoxville. 1.00
01:29:15.000 All the jackass guys always have their hands on their balls. 1.00
01:29:18.000 24 hours a day. 1.00
01:29:19.000 And a mousetrap in their back pocket for some reason.
01:29:24.000 So that's that, but that wasn't your question.
01:29:26.000 The bad year of marriage.
01:29:28.000 Yeah, you just sort of, first of all, don't beat off.
01:29:31.000 Don't watch porn because that takes the stakes away and the next thing you know you don't care that you're in the doghouse.
01:29:35.000 You want to care that you're in the doghouse.
01:29:37.000 But I think the biggest mistake people make with marriage is they think that and Naomi Schaefer Riley has written about this extensively.
01:29:46.000 She's a great columnist and she wrote a great book called The New Trail of Tears.
01:29:50.000 And her husband Jason Riley, black guy, wrote Please Stop Helping Us. 0.74
01:29:54.000 About liberals helping black people, which sort of goes back to that Twitter thing I was talking about where they, they idolize black people in a really patronizing way.
01:30:02.000 Um, and she said, yeah, it's not your soulmate.
01:30:06.000 It's your mate.
01:30:08.000 It's a person that you, it's your partner.
01:30:10.000 You're both raising your family together.
01:30:11.000 It's someone you can rely on.
01:30:13.000 It's someone you're definitely not just a friend with.
01:30:15.000 There's definitely a higher plane, but it's not spiritual.
01:30:20.000 Okay?
01:30:20.000 You're not with a cult leader.
01:30:22.000 You're not two gods.
01:30:24.000 You're just two regular people who made a deal.
01:30:27.000 And, you know, there's the honeymoon phase where you can't stop thinking about her.
01:30:29.000 That sort of peters out.
01:30:31.000 You still lust her, by the way, especially if you stop beating off.
01:30:34.000 And you still feel a strange bond with her.
01:30:36.000 And you still have this cool connection.
01:30:38.000 You're almost like fraternal twins.
01:30:40.000 Actually, that's not right.
01:30:41.000 That's contradicting what I started with.
01:30:43.000 But there'll be things like, like if Ryan said, dude, you're getting kind of wasted.
01:30:46.000 I would say, dude, you're getting kind of wasted.
01:30:48.000 And maybe shove him.
01:30:50.000 But if my wife said, hey, uh, take it down a notch, I would go to the bartender and go, can I get a water please? 1.00
01:30:55.000 Or a Coca-Cola?
01:30:57.000 Uh, cause she's like part of me.
01:30:59.000 And if she says I'm too drunk, I'm definitely too drunk and vice versa. 1.00
01:31:03.000 If I, if she sees me take a glass of wine out of her hand, she won't go fuck you and reach for it. 1.00
01:31:07.000 She'll go, Oh, I guess I went a little far. 0.99
01:31:11.000 Um, so there's those kind of cool connections that just happen with time, but you go through changes and you go through phases.
01:31:19.000 I wouldn't recommend sleeping in a different bed, although that can happen for a while if you're really pissed off.
01:31:25.000 Yeah, there's times when it's just like, you know what, let's agree to disagree and you just ignore each other. 1.00
01:31:30.000 But then there's times when it's like, fuck, I fucking hate you. 1.00
01:31:33.000 And she'll be giving you the finger behind your back. 1.00
01:31:36.000 For those sleeping in a different room, you also can't sleep in another place. 0.99
01:31:42.000 Or if you guys get divorced, you'll get fucked with this abandonment clause. 0.95
01:31:46.000 You gotta watch out. 0.99
01:31:48.000 You always got to be on your guard with your wife. 0.99
01:31:50.000 Never totally give up a hundred percent.
01:31:52.000 And I don't think women appreciate that when you're just like, you're my everything. 1.00
01:31:56.000 Just like those people I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast where they call AAA and just wait.
01:32:00.000 You always got to be on your guard.
01:32:02.000 So you always got to wonder, is she cheating on me?
01:32:05.000 I mean, you know, you're not a paranoid lunatic, but just keep it as like 4% of your brain.
01:32:11.000 What if she's cheating on me? 1.00
01:32:12.000 What if she's planning a divorce? 1.00
01:32:14.000 You know, always like check her texts every year or so.
01:32:19.000 Never totally relax and always be courting.
01:32:23.000 I've told this story a thousand times, but it's really important.
01:32:26.000 My father-in-law fell down our front steps.
01:32:29.000 There's only four steps, but he fell in a really comical, embarrassing way that was right out of Sesame Street, where it's like, five golden pies.
01:32:38.000 Whoa! 0.71
01:32:40.000 And he goes toppling down the stairs and cream pies hit him in the head.
01:32:43.000 Really comical.
01:32:44.000 And he got up and he said, don't tell, uh, and he said my wife's name and my mother-in-law's name.
01:32:50.000 And I thought that is such a crucial lesson that every man should know about marriage, about relationships.
01:32:58.000 We usually learn it the hard way.
01:33:00.000 And the way I convey it to other young men is, if you're running, you got a chocolate cake in your hand, you're running down the street, you fall and you go face first into the chocolate cake, you look up, the cake's ruined, you are a chocolate cake man.
01:33:14.000 It's just a mouth and two eyes.
01:33:16.000 All right?
01:33:17.000 That's a funny story to tell your friends.
01:33:19.000 Do not tell your girlfriend that story.
01:33:22.000 Don't tell your girlfriend any story where you're weak.
01:33:25.000 You can cry at a movie if it's suitable, but you can't ugly cry.
01:33:30.000 You can't go... You have to do the cry, and you should be war-related. 0.98
01:33:36.000 Should be World War II kind of thing. 0.96
01:33:38.000 I wasn't... I wasn't... Were you a hero, Grandad?
01:33:41.000 No, but I fought alongside some.
01:33:44.000 One tear can go down your cheek.
01:33:46.000 You can wipe it away.
01:33:48.000 Children in duress?
01:33:49.000 Yes.
01:33:50.000 People overcoming, getting together and overcoming adversity?
01:33:53.000 You may cry in the movie.
01:33:56.000 You can't cry like, oh my god, I'm just so scared for my friend.
01:34:01.000 I don't know, maybe if he has cancer or something, but no.
01:34:04.000 You can't be weak around your spouse.
01:34:05.000 But anyway, sorry, I'm really dragging this out.
01:34:09.000 So be on your guard. 0.99
01:34:10.000 It's possible she has a divorced lawyer telling her shit like, make sure he gets an apartment near that better school, and then make sure he stays there, and then we can push abandonment, and the fact that he hasn't lived in the house for a year, then he's really fucked. 0.99
01:34:22.000 That could be going on. 0.99
01:34:23.000 And if she does something crazy, like starts smashing plates, I'm sorry to say this guys, record it with your fucking phone. 0.99
01:34:29.000 It might come up in court. 1.00
01:34:31.000 If she says she's gonna kill herself or she needs to go to a loony bin, record it. 1.00
01:34:35.000 So that's all the horrible stuff about marriage. 0.88
01:34:36.000 And it's very, this is like 2% guys.
01:34:39.000 This is not what marriage is. 0.99
01:34:41.000 I know I'm gonna get these single millennials going, well if that's fucking marriage, constantly worried about getting your life ruined, then I don't want it. 1.00
01:34:48.000 Look, it's possible you might get in a car accident. 0.99
01:34:50.000 You have to be aware of that.
01:34:51.000 That's not what driving is.
01:34:54.000 It's possible you're gonna get robbed in New York.
01:34:56.000 You're gonna get mugged.
01:34:58.000 The odds are still very low, but when you're on the subway, you don't pull out your wallet and start counting how much money you have on you.
01:35:05.000 Gotta be aware.
01:35:07.000 And in marriage, yeah, it's okay to not speak to her for two weeks.
01:35:15.000 You can also have maybe a year where you're only having sex once a month.
01:35:18.000 You're going through changes.
01:35:20.000 I'm going through changes.
01:35:22.000 I can't tell you how many women have said, I want a divorce. 1.00
01:35:26.000 And the men have gone, well, I'm not the kind of guy that wants to make someone love me because that's the way guys are.
01:35:32.000 They don't want trouble.
01:35:34.000 So they just go, all right, well, I tried.
01:35:36.000 Why are you laughing?
01:35:38.000 I'm screening this email. 0.97
01:35:40.000 It's so fucking funny. 0.87
01:35:41.000 Okay, we'll do that last. 0.92
01:35:42.000 That'll be the last email.
01:35:45.000 And then they quit, and then she freaks out, and she sees him at a party a year later, and she's crying, and she goes, why didn't you fight for me?
01:35:53.000 I can honestly tell you five examples of divorced couples, young couples with young kids, where she's gone, why did you let this happen? 0.99
01:36:02.000 And the man always says, fuck no. 1.00
01:36:02.000 I want you back. 1.00
01:36:05.000 I've already moved on.
01:36:07.000 So ladies, they play with fire, they push him and he says, fine, I'm out. 1.00
01:36:11.000 And then she regrets it.
01:36:13.000 So just, I wrote a great article about this called divorce your wife at tacky mag.com where I said, if things are really, really shitty, then break up with her and then meet a new girl who looks exactly like her named her and just record your wife from scratch. 0.98
01:36:33.000 Like take a year off, not a year, but have like a four months where you guys aren't speaking and then just treat her as a new person that you haven't met yet and go out for drinks with her and fucking buy her flowers. 0.94
01:36:47.000 Recourt your wife as a new person. 0.97
01:36:49.000 She doesn't even have to know that you mentally divorced the previous version of her.
01:36:55.000 All right, let's make your letter the last letter.
01:36:59.000 One last thing, by the way.
01:37:01.000 I don't like divorce.
01:37:02.000 I hate when men brag about it.
01:37:05.000 It freaks me out when someone has a baby and they're divorced.
01:37:08.000 That being said, I try to reserve judgment.
01:37:12.000 For people Regarding people who are divorced because I've been doing it.
01:37:16.000 When did I get married?
01:37:17.000 Oh five I've been doing it for 14 years.
01:37:20.000 I guess about to be 15 years.
01:37:23.000 I Don't know what's gonna happen in the next five years.
01:37:25.000 I might end up being divorced. 0.97
01:37:26.000 So I don't judge people It's fucking hard to pull off 0.93
01:37:29.000 There's a lot of ups and downs. 0.95
01:37:30.000 And one of the great things about my marriage is my parents are still together and her parents are still together. 0.98
01:37:35.000 So we sort of have this Catholic mentality of just fucking ride it out, ride the storm, hate each other for a month. 0.98
01:37:42.000 That's fine. 0.99
01:37:43.000 Whereas you Puerto Ricans just go, Hey man, I'm kind of bored. 1.00
01:37:46.000 I want to, I want to get lost.
01:37:48.000 Okay.
01:37:48.000 Bye.
01:37:49.000 Like when your dad walked out on you, your grandparents like, okay, I guess we'll raise them.
01:37:53.000 Bye.
01:37:54.000 I wasn't even, I wasn't even months old.
01:37:58.000 Yeah.
01:37:58.000 He just, he didn't want to have a kid.
01:38:00.000 He's like, I just got to America. 0.91
01:38:01.000 You, you just wanted to bang me. 1.00
01:38:03.000 I mean, I can't stick around.
01:38:04.000 And he wound up owning a business, starting a business because of it.
01:38:08.000 So I don't really care.
01:38:09.000 He just, he wasn't trying to have a kid.
01:38:12.000 Why'd he come in her? 1.00
01:38:13.000 He was Japanese and dumb. 1.00
01:38:16.000 He just got here. 1.00
01:38:17.000 But wait, was he still hanging out with her while she was pregnant?
01:38:20.000 I don't think so.
01:38:21.000 I mean, they worked at the same place, they were both hair stylists, so possibly?
01:38:24.000 But I don't know.
01:38:26.000 Is this making you uncomfortable?
01:38:27.000 No, I'm just curious.
01:38:28.000 Why are you stretching?
01:38:29.000 I've been stretching the whole time my back hurts.
01:38:30.000 It looks like an uncomfortable stretch.
01:38:31.000 No, my back feels really bad.
01:38:33.000 This is what shoplifters do when they get caught, they start stretching.
01:38:37.000 The door was open, but you know.
01:38:39.000 I thought this was free chapstick.
01:38:41.000 It's in the impulse buy section.
01:38:43.000 It's right next to take a penny.
01:38:45.000 Um, but yeah, I was supposed to be an abortion. 1.00
01:38:47.000 I found that out like two years ago.
01:38:49.000 You are almost an abortion. 1.00
01:38:52.000 You are okay. 0.96
01:38:53.000 I'm going to call you abortion. 1.00
01:38:54.000 That's not nice.
01:38:55.000 You know, sometimes when you talk, I can tell that you should have been an abortion. 0.63
01:38:59.000 Yeah.
01:39:00.000 Maybe they started it and just gave up.
01:39:01.000 That's going to be your new nickname on the show.
01:39:03.000 Abortion! 1.00
01:39:05.000 But we have to say it in the Sex Pistols way.
01:39:07.000 I've not heard that song.
01:39:08.000 What?
01:39:08.000 Or anything else.
01:39:10.000 Ever.
01:39:10.000 I have three letters that are really good.
01:39:11.000 Have you not heard of the Sex Pistols before?
01:39:13.000 Yes, I have.
01:39:14.000 I told you I have childhood memories of the Sex Pistols movie.
01:39:16.000 That song is called Bodies.
01:39:18.000 Uh-huh.
01:39:19.000 And it's about a woman who had an abortion.
01:39:21.000 Wow.
01:39:21.000 She was a case of insanity.
01:39:23.000 Her name was Polly.
01:39:25.000 She lived in a tree.
01:39:26.000 She was the one who killed her baby. 0.98
01:39:28.000 She took her letters from the country. 1.00
01:39:30.000 She was an animal. 1.00
01:39:31.000 She was a bloody disgrace. 1.00
01:39:33.000 Bodies. 1.00
01:39:34.000 It's kind of a pro-life song.
01:39:35.000 Sounds like it.
01:39:36.000 Although, Johnny Rotten denies that now.
01:39:37.000 Do you want to just play the beginning?
01:39:39.000 Sure.
01:39:39.000 So we can hear abortion.
01:39:45.000 What a band!
01:39:47.000 I like how they're supposed to be anti-rock and they're just a really good rock band.
01:40:09.000 We gotta start a punk band just for the gaff of it.
01:40:11.000 I tried that.
01:40:12.000 I had an 80's hardcore cover band called 80's Hardcore.
01:40:15.000 Sorry.
01:40:16.000 Too old.
01:40:16.000 Exhausting.
01:40:18.000 And I'd get a headache from the screaming.
01:40:19.000 Can't do it.
01:40:20.000 You know what's a very underrated band by the way?
01:40:22.000 It's the Professionals.
01:40:23.000 Which is Steve Jones and Paul Cook post-Sex Pistols.
01:40:27.000 And they're kind of like almost soccer chants kind of stuff. 0.98
01:40:29.000 Really fucking good band. 0.97
01:40:31.000 Alright, read that letter that was making you laugh. 0.99
01:40:32.000 We gotta wrap it up here. 0.99
01:40:33.000 We got shit to do. 0.99
01:40:34.000 Okay. 0.99
01:40:35.000 I have three good ones, but I'll pick this one, the funny one. 0.97
01:40:39.000 Hey, Ryan Gavin mentioned using Clorox wipes for wiping your butt in the last podcast. 0.85
01:40:44.000 This reminded me when I was in Afghanistan and we ran out of toilet paper.
01:40:47.000 One of the guys in my platoon had some Clorox wipes he was going to use.
01:40:51.000 We tried to tell him it was a bad idea, but he said, it just says not to get it in your eyes.
01:40:56.000 Well, not your brown eye either, dude.
01:40:58.000 Truth.
01:40:59.000 All three of them.
01:41:00.000 So he used them.
01:41:01.000 That's true.
01:41:02.000 Afterwards.
01:41:03.000 That's true.
01:41:03.000 That's true.
01:41:04.000 Afterward, he was complaining that his asshole was burning really badly. 0.99
01:41:08.000 Another guy in my platoon, just to give you a little insight on this guy, he thought Abraham Lincoln was black because he'd only ever seen him on a penny. 0.99
01:41:20.000 And once he confused the term swamp ass with Asperger's so he was telling everybody at Asperger's which no one just bothered to respond to they just accepted that they're like, okay Asperger's you tell people he has Asperger's they responded 0.99
01:41:39.000 With, oh, the guy responded to the Clorox thing with, well, yeah, if you could put it in your eye, you could put it in your ass. 0.99
01:41:45.000 Words I still live by today. 0.99
01:41:47.000 Thanks, Caleb. 0.99
01:41:49.000 The bleach will eat away at your anal lips. 0.99
01:41:52.000 Holy flips. 0.97
01:41:53.000 But it is kind of a cool wake up call to do, like, once every year.
01:42:00.000 Dude, I think I might... I don't want to forget this one.
01:42:02.000 This one's quick.
01:42:03.000 Wait, I gotta add something.
01:42:04.000 It reminded me of another story.
01:42:06.000 And I'm allowed to say this.
01:42:07.000 I never disparage the military or the police, but I'm allowed to do this because it was told to me by a guy who fought with him in Somalia. 0.98
01:42:17.000 He said he met a guy who he fought with who was so dumb that he didn't get PTSD. 0.98
01:42:25.000 And he just thought, man, that Somalia was crazy! 1.00
01:42:29.000 He just files all that under crazy.
01:42:30.000 Yeah, we were in a tank and these dudes are fighting at us and they're throwing like they some of them at RPGs.
01:42:36.000 They almost blew us up.
01:42:38.000 So we like we shot a bunch of them. 0.99
01:42:40.000 We killed a bunch of guys and we got the fuck out of there, man. 1.00
01:42:42.000 It was nuts. 0.99
01:42:43.000 Yeah.
01:42:43.000 And you know, people were deeply traumatized by it.
01:42:46.000 There was that Black Hawk Down, right?
01:42:47.000 It was about Somalia.
01:42:49.000 But this guy was just like, oh, yeah, I remember Somalia. 1.00
01:42:51.000 Fucking nuts, man. 0.99
01:42:52.000 Everyone was shooting at us. 1.00
01:42:54.000 It was crazy.
01:42:55.000 Like he was totally fine.
01:42:56.000 He didn't have to go to any counseling afterwards.
01:42:59.000 He's like, when are we going back?
01:43:00.000 What?
01:43:00.000 Let's do Afghanistan next.
01:43:01.000 I hear it gets real hot.
01:43:03.000 They got these crazy firecrackers that make your arms fall off and then your eyes close and you just fall asleep forever.
01:43:09.000 You lost your arms? 0.99
01:43:09.000 That's fucked up. 0.99
01:43:10.000 How are you going to like play the guitar, man? 1.00
01:43:13.000 I guess you could just with your mouth, you go like... I had a friend of mine just never fell asleep in Afghanistan.
01:43:20.000 Never woke up.
01:43:20.000 Just still sleeping.
01:43:21.000 He wasn't that bad.
01:43:22.000 Oh.
01:43:24.000 This reminded me of a letter that I wanted to get to actually.
01:43:28.000 I didn't mean to trivialize anything.
01:43:29.000 It's dangerous territory there.
01:43:32.000 My grandfather would have slapped me in the face if I said that in front of him.
01:43:36.000 Well, you're allowed to make fun of that guy, though, if a military guy did.
01:43:39.000 Oh, true. 1.00
01:43:39.000 Yeah, fuck him. 1.00
01:43:40.000 No, I'm just kidding. 1.00
01:43:42.000 The only, the farthest I'll go is every time that there is a memorial for the survivors of Pearl Harbor, none of them are hot.
01:43:50.000 What did Terry Shepard say?
01:43:51.000 Terry Shepard smirked and then he stopped himself and he goes, I'm not allowed to laugh at that joke.
01:43:58.000 Um, I got this letter from Rico Gallimberti.
01:44:02.000 Oh, we're not allowed to say last names. 0.96
01:44:04.000 I don't give a fuck Okay, don't send we have way too many letters any if we can think of anything to slow down these letters then let's do it. 0.99
01:44:10.000 Yeah Um, all right Gavin, I think I and by the way, I worse than Hitler's a stupid thing to say I 0.99
01:44:17.000 I think I've found the guy.
01:44:19.000 You ready for this?
01:44:20.000 Worst person on earth?
01:44:21.000 Oh yeah. 0.95
01:44:21.000 Worse than a murderer. 0.95
01:44:22.000 He should be- If I was Trump, I would put this guy in prison.
01:44:26.000 And he'd say, what's the charge? 1.00
01:44:27.000 And I'd just say, fuck you. 1.00
01:44:29.000 You ready for this? 1.00
01:44:30.000 Sure. 0.59
01:44:30.000 This is the worst guy I've ever encountered. 0.59
01:44:32.000 I think I encountered someone worse than the mashed potato guy you saw on vacation.
01:44:37.000 And he's referring, of course, to one of the times I went to Jamaica.
01:44:39.000 It was all-inclusive resort.
01:44:41.000 Huge variety.
01:44:42.000 Jamaican food isn't that good.
01:44:43.000 There's not a lot of variety.
01:44:44.000 There's jerk chicken and basically that's it.
01:44:46.000 But this is a resort.
01:44:47.000 So they have all the classic Jamaican stuff.
01:44:50.000 And then other awesome stuff.
01:44:51.000 Great Italian.
01:44:52.000 It's a buffet at a very expensive resort.
01:44:54.000 It's obviously awesome. 1.00
01:44:56.000 And this fucking guy, he had just 0.99
01:45:00.000 Basically your hat's worth of potatoes. 1.00
01:45:03.000 Mashed potatoes.
01:45:04.000 That's it.
01:45:05.000 Yikes.
01:45:06.000 And then he went and sat down.
01:45:07.000 And I just decided, because I need to hate.
01:45:10.000 I need hate in my life.
01:45:11.000 Yeah.
01:45:12.000 Like hippies are all about love, I'm all about hate. 0.87
01:45:14.000 Now at a resort, I don't know anyone.
01:45:16.000 So I sit there with like this, like a pit bull who's just been unleashed.
01:45:20.000 I need to bite something.
01:45:21.000 So I see him.
01:45:22.000 And then for the rest of the trip, every time I see him, I just scowl.
01:45:25.000 And if he sits near me, I move.
01:45:27.000 And if he's on the beach, I make sure we're not near him.
01:45:28.000 Like I, he's my Satan for that trip.
01:45:31.000 So that's what that guy was referring to.
01:45:32.000 Anyway, my neighbor is in his late thirties.
01:45:35.000 He's married and he works from home.
01:45:36.000 He and his wife have one child together.
01:45:38.000 Who's in the second grade.
01:45:39.000 Here are the highlights. 0.99
01:45:40.000 By the way, with kids, one is for pussies, two is for fags, three is a bare minimum. 1.00
01:45:47.000 One, if you have a one, if you have one child, you're not a parent. 0.99
01:45:50.000 Okay?
01:45:51.000 You're just practicing.
01:45:52.000 So, I'm already annoyed.
01:45:55.000 Here are the highlights.
01:45:56.000 One, he's a craft beer enthusiast. 1.00
01:45:59.000 Fuck you. 1.00
01:46:00.000 Two, he wears flip-flops all of the time. 1.00
01:46:03.000 Fuck you and your toes. 1.00
01:46:06.000 I'm adding the fuck you's, by the way. 1.00
01:46:07.000 Three. 1.00
01:46:08.000 He regularly wears superhero t-shirts. 1.00
01:46:12.000 Fuck you from your stupid chest. 1.00
01:46:14.000 Fuck your head, because it drinks craft beer. 1.00
01:46:17.000 Fuck your torso, because it says Wolverine. 1.00
01:46:19.000 And fuck your feet, because they're in my face. 1.00
01:46:21.000 I have to look at your hairy man toes. 1.00
01:46:25.000 I'm going to move to that Italian mountainside town that makes flip-flops illegal.
01:46:33.000 One, two, three, four.
01:46:35.000 What do you hear four and five?
01:46:37.000 Four, he collects Legos for himself and spends hours of his free time building spaceships from Star Wars without his kids' help.
01:46:49.000 It's so bad that it has negatively affected his marriage at times.
01:46:53.000 By the way, that's the bad guy in the Lego movie, Will Ferrell.
01:46:58.000 He plays a guy who's a dad who collects Lego and doesn't do it with his kid.
01:47:03.000 Right.
01:47:03.000 And yes, I saw the Lego movie.
01:47:05.000 I watch children's movies reluctantly with my kids.
01:47:08.000 I wouldn't watch the Lego movie by myself. 1.00
01:47:10.000 And the fact that you fuckers give a shit about Star Wars is pathetic. 1.00
01:47:15.000 Star Wars is for kids. 1.00
01:47:16.000 It's a kids movie.
01:47:17.000 Superheroes are for nerds who get beat up who want to fantasize that they could just say SHAZAM!
01:47:23.000 And then they'd be a big guy who could beat up the bully.
01:47:25.000 It's to help the victims of bullies feel better.
01:47:28.000 You're 32!
01:47:30.000 And we're not even done.
01:47:32.000 This is the fifth one.
01:47:33.000 And this is why I had to read this letter.
01:47:35.000 He lives in the Midwest.
01:47:37.000 However, he flies to Disney World to vacation several times a year, every year.
01:47:46.000 The worst thing about this is, nine times out of ten, he doesn't take his kid!
01:47:50.000 Wow. 1.00
01:47:51.000 His child has to stay with her fucking grandparents while he and his wife spend a week there without her! 1.00
01:47:59.000 He's even vacationed at Disney World completely by himself before! 1.00
01:48:03.000 Oh my god.
01:48:04.000 No wife or kid, just him!
01:48:06.000 That's a bad person. 1.00
01:48:11.000 That's a shitty piece of shit. 1.00
01:48:13.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:48:15.000 I'm gonna email this guy back.
01:48:16.000 I never email our letters back.
01:48:18.000 Please send pics.
01:48:21.000 Oh, yes! 1.00
01:48:23.000 We need to see what this fucker looks like. 1.00
01:48:27.000 Holy shit, I hate this dude. 1.00
01:48:29.000 I hate this fucking guy. 1.00
01:48:32.000 People talk about racism and antisemitism. 1.00
01:48:34.000 I have no room!
01:48:36.000 For such nuance.
01:48:38.000 Someone's skin?
01:48:40.000 Someone doesn't believe in Jesus?
01:48:42.000 They have the same religion as me, basically, but they cut out a guy? 1.00
01:48:44.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
01:48:46.000 I hate this person. 1.00
01:48:48.000 This person is at the top of my hate list. 1.00
01:48:51.000 Fuck you, neighbor of Rico. 1.00
01:48:56.000 All right, we gotta go. 1.00
01:48:56.000 I don't have anything to plug. 1.00
01:48:59.000 DefendGavin.com.
01:49:00.000 What are we at now?
01:49:01.000 We'll get to the other letters next time.
01:49:03.000 We'll try to.
01:49:04.000 I don't know.
01:49:05.000 We read three and get ten.
01:49:06.000 I was interested in this one.
01:49:07.000 I'll just ask you off air and then... No, well, you gotta tell the people now.
01:49:10.000 We're 95% funded at DefendGavin.com.
01:49:11.000 Nice.
01:49:11.000 $236,000.
01:49:12.000 And you know what's fun about this lawsuit?
01:49:13.000 During the discovery,
01:49:21.000 We learned about Chase Bank being influenced by the SPLC, Twitter taking their orders from SPLC, Instagram.
01:49:28.000 Now we have lawsuits against all them.
01:49:32.000 This is just the beginning.
01:49:33.000 This is just getting the artillery, the stockpile.
01:49:36.000 We haven't even started the war yet.
01:49:38.000 This is going to be huge.
01:49:40.000 And the fact that the ACLU is jumping on board shows that the SPLC is shitting their pants and doesn't, contrary to what they say publicly, doesn't think this is a trivial deal.
01:49:51.000 All right.
01:49:52.000 Last word goes to Ryan.
01:49:53.000 I always regret this. 0.98
01:49:55.000 This letter is going to suck. 0.96
01:49:56.000 We had the worst guy in the world, Rico's neighbor. 1.00
01:50:01.000 And you said, nope, I want to end on this.
01:50:03.000 So this is going to be better than someone literally worse than Hitler. 0.92
01:50:06.000 Let's see what you got.
01:50:09.000 Okay, a while ago, Greg Fitzsimmons said that you were on his podcast, and you said something about women that was soooo heinous, they edited it out.
01:50:19.000 Also, according to him, the next day after it aired, you called him, yelling at him to put it back in.
01:50:24.000 I was curious, so was I, as to what it might have been that he thought was so offensive.
01:50:29.000 Sincerely, Carter.
01:50:30.000 Frankly, I have no idea.
01:50:33.000 Do you remember that, though, vaguely?
01:50:34.000 He... No.
01:50:38.000 I would yell at him for cutting something out.
01:50:42.000 That would piss me off.
01:50:43.000 Sure, sure.
01:50:44.000 I mean, it's not... It's a podcast.
01:50:48.000 And he's a comedian.
01:50:49.000 I liked Greg Fitzsimmons.
01:50:50.000 I thought we got along really well.
01:50:52.000 He called me back much later when I was going through that tranny controversy. 0.99
01:50:57.000 And as we were talking, I said, yeah, no, I said that they're meant, there's no such thing as they're just mentally ill gays. 0.98
01:51:02.000 And I said, a lot of these trannies, you gotta understand. 1.00
01:51:04.000 And then he goes, what, what'd you say? 0.97
01:51:06.000 Go, uh, trannies? 1.00
01:51:07.000 And he goes, oh, come on, Gavin, you can't say that.
01:51:09.000 Trannies? 0.99
01:51:10.000 I mean, that's the difference between LA and New York. 0.99
01:51:12.000 They are really like, they say first nations for American Indians and all that shit. 0.99
01:51:17.000 Um, shit I wish I could remember what it was. 1.00
01:51:20.000 I probably said, I mean the SPLC brings up that I said women love to be dominated. 1.00
01:51:26.000 They leave out the part where I said sexually.
01:51:30.000 Pretty, pretty big detail to leave out.
01:51:32.000 Women don't want to be dominated at home. 1.00
01:51:33.000 Hey bitch, go upstairs get me a fucking beer. 1.00
01:51:37.000 Try that with your wife, see how well it goes. 1.00
01:51:38.000 They bought 30 Shades of Grey just to throw it in the trash.
01:51:41.000 You know?
01:51:42.000 But, uh, yeah.
01:51:44.000 But, um, no, Greg Fitzsimmons was a cool guy, but he's typical of a lot of comedians where they don't want to jeopardize their careers.
01:51:49.000 They want to keep everything safe.
01:51:52.000 But Mark Maron did a whole interview with me.
01:51:55.000 There was no controversy.
01:51:56.000 Oh, then the Tranny thing happened. 0.98
01:51:57.000 But even before the Tranny thing happened, he refused to air my What The Fuck podcast. 1.00
01:52:03.000 Oh, man. 0.99
01:52:03.000 I fucked with him on Twitter about it a bunch. 0.99
01:52:06.000 He claims it was because I didn't know you were such a transphobe and that would have been included in the podcast. 0.99
01:52:12.000 And I go, well, why don't you...
01:52:13.000 Interview me now and we'll include it.
01:52:15.000 And no response.
01:52:16.000 But you know what really it was really about?
01:52:18.000 He was talking about education. 0.99
01:52:22.000 And like a lot of dumbasses in LA, he hadn't really looked into it. 0.97
01:52:25.000 He just like saying, children are our future. 0.99
01:52:28.000 And it's systemic.
01:52:29.000 And there's not just one thing you can do that will fix education in America.
01:52:33.000 There's a million different problems.
01:52:35.000 And I succinctly proved that there is one thing.
01:52:38.000 It's called making it possible to fire them.
01:52:41.000 Charter school teachers get paid less than public school teachers and charter schools do much better and that's because teachers know they can't get fired.
01:52:50.000 Here... 0.99
01:52:51.000 You can say the n-word, you can fuck a student, and you'll go to one of their rubber rooms, sometimes indefinitely, sometimes for the rest of your career, and just sit there. 1.00
01:53:00.000 Because the unions are so incredibly powerful. 1.00
01:53:02.000 And when you can't get fired, you do your job shittily. 0.98
01:53:06.000 That's why education sucks in America. 0.99
01:53:08.000 And I brought that up with Marin, and it made him look stupid, and he banned the episode. 0.99
01:53:12.000 And then, about a month later, when the trainee thing happened, he could use that. 0.91
01:53:17.000 I see.
01:53:18.000 Somebody actually, 2015, Mark did a AMA on Reddit, and then somebody said, hey, big fan, whatever, I'm also a fan of Gavin McInnes, he said you guys did a podcast, any plans on releasing that?
01:53:32.000 And Mark responds, nah, it's no longer relevant.
01:53:36.000 Wow.
01:53:36.000 Which is an attack on me, right?
01:53:38.000 He's saying I'm not relevant.
01:53:39.000 No, I don't think, I don't know, because it was a while ago before that, maybe.
01:53:42.000 But we weren't talking about the local news that day.
01:53:45.000 Right. 0.98
01:53:45.000 That's a shitty lie. 0.98
01:53:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:53:48.000 I hate Mark Maron. 1.00
01:53:50.000 He personifies everything I hate about comedians and liberals in general, where they do this like, oh man, I'm so fucked up. 1.00
01:53:55.000 Oh, geez. 1.00
01:53:56.000 And then they fuck their 22 year old intern and she falls in love with him. 1.00
01:54:01.000 And then he gets bored of her, dumps her. 1.00
01:54:03.000 And then she's like, oh, well now I'm 30 and my ovaries are all dried up.
01:54:07.000 I thought we were kind of a thing. 1.00
01:54:08.000 No, I'm, I'm so fucked up. 1.00
01:54:10.000 Oh man, I'm so fucked up. 1.00
01:54:12.000 Ah man, you know, I'm fucked up. 1.00
01:54:13.000 It's these liberal pussies, and you know, we always think of the Virginia Tech and the date-raping jock, and that's the archetype in America of the men just going through a woman's lives. 1.00
01:54:22.000 It's not! 1.00
01:54:24.000 It's the beta male pussy liars like Marc Maron, who trample young women, totally manipulate them. 1.00
01:54:31.000 Look at Thurston Moore in Sonic Youth, the big feminist with Kim Gordon, and then he dumps her to go fuck his intern. 1.00
01:54:38.000 It's the nice guys that fuck the passed out girls while they're asleep. 1.00
01:54:43.000 It's the beta male sweethearts that you need to watch out for. 1.00
01:54:46.000 The ones that act like your ally. 1.00
01:54:49.000 Those are the ones that are going to rape you. 1.00
01:54:50.000 The fucking date raping jocks are not date raping anyone. 1.00
01:54:54.000 They're getting laid on their own. 1.00
01:54:56.000 Ladies, if you're out there, be wary of the nice guys. 0.79
01:55:00.000 They do not have your best interests at heart.
01:55:02.000 They didn't get laid in high school and they want revenge.
01:55:06.000 The more they pretend to be victims, the more they have victims.
01:55:10.000 Alright, we went way over.
01:55:12.000 Gotta go.
01:55:13.000 I like you more than a friend.
01:55:15.000 And Ryan, you ended the podcast with a shittier letter than the one I ended on.