Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - May 23, 2019


#142 | I just got beat up by a cop

Topics
recycling and ocean pollution black awareness speech Freddie Mercury joke sketch
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
John Krasinski Ryan Katsu Rivera John Doe Richard Spencer Farrah Fawcett Kevin James Ben Carson Diarrhea Taylor MS-13 Leatherass Buttfuck Nate Barsgate Nate Bargatze Louis Vuitton George Takai Jeremy Piven Mark Ruffalo Howard Stern Notable Wig Antifa and 73 more
S02E15 - VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR #143 | I hate the New York Times

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 4 minutes

Words per minute

168.23

Word count

10,831

Sentence count

992

Harmful content

Misogyny

29

sentences flagged

Toxicity

309

sentences flagged

Hate speech

56

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about the fear gland and how it affects your ability to be brave, and how to deal with it. I also talk a little bit about my time in the punk band Leatherass Buttfuck, and some of the crazy things we did on stage in the early 80s and early 90s. I hope you enjoy this episode and that you can relate to it in some way, because it's a good one. -Jon Sorrentino Music: "Punk Rock" by Leatherass buttfuck Art: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Editor: Mike Carrier Logo by KEVIN MILLER Theme by Mavus White Music: Fair Weather Fans Credits: "Goodbye Outer Space" by Fountains of Wayne "Outer Space Warning" by The Beach Boys (feat. The Smiths) is a production of Native Creative Podcasts . This episode was produced by Riley Bray and edited by Alex Blumberg with additional mixing and mastering by Matt DesLaurier featuring special thanks to John Rocha of the Electric Light Orchestra & his band, The Pussycat Dolls , and our good friend, The Dukes. and , from the band, in tribute to the legendary punk rock band "Rudimentary Peni . and his band "The Proud Boys" from the late 80s/early 90's and early 00's "RADIO! . . . and , from the legendary band "Fartless" by the band "Peezy Peezy Peni". I'm not allowed to be a dumb idiots." by the Proud Boys. , I'm sorry for not being a dumb idiot, but I'm finally realizing that I can be a bad guy, so I guess I could be a good guy. I can finally be a better guy than a good dude than a dumbass. - Jon talks about being a bad ass. -Jon talks about it. - Jon is a lot of things. - I'm just not a dumb guy. -Jon talks about that. - - I guess he's finally getting a chance to be okay. - JON talks about how to be an idiot. -I think he's not a bad dude. - John talks about some other stuff too.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I just got beat up by a cop.
00:00:03.000 I hate fighting cops.
00:00:05.000 They don't have a fear gland.
00:00:07.000 I used to make fun of police for getting to retire after 20 years and getting a full pension, which I believe adds up to 4 million bucks, by the way.
00:00:17.000 They'll lie, and they'll say, oh no, I'm not making that much.
00:00:20.000 They're gonna make 110 grand a year.
00:00:25.000 You go crazy on your last year and you get something like 80% of what you made the last year for the rest of your life.
00:00:32.000 So you're 40, you're gonna live till 80.
00:00:36.000 Yeah, that's about 4.4 million.
00:00:42.000 But now I'm starting to think they should retire.
00:00:45.000 Because they lose their fear gland.
00:00:48.000 It like depletes.
00:00:51.000 I don't know what it is.
00:00:52.000 Is it serotonin or something?
00:00:53.000 Cortisone?
00:00:55.000 There's some sort of chemical.
00:00:56.000 It's weird.
00:00:57.000 The human body works such that the more you use something, the stronger it gets.
00:01:02.000 Like if you look at a taxi cab driver's brain, the part of the brain that handles navigation is sort of engorged and it has a boner.
00:01:12.000 That's why they're so good at directions and everything.
00:01:14.000 And then when they retire, it goes back down to normal.
00:01:19.000 Whatever does fear is the one thing that shrinks the more you use it.
00:01:23.000 And they become too brave. 1.00
00:01:26.000 Until they're just going to some house where some guy's gonna kill his kids and they're like... Don't kill your kids or I'm gonna shoot you. 1.00
00:01:37.000 Oh, you're gonna kill them? 1.00
00:01:38.000 Okay, you're dead. 1.00
00:01:39.000 Anyway, does anyone feel like a BLT? 0.91
00:01:43.000 Now, the thing about boxing is it's 80% fear. 1.00
00:01:48.000 And that's not just a pussy like me. 1.00
00:01:51.000 This is everyone. 0.99
00:01:53.000 I was watching this Muhammad Ali doc on HBO and he talks about how scared he gets.
00:01:58.000 The most arrogant person in the history of boxing poos his pants before a match.
00:02:04.000 And then he said, I'd get in with the first two punches and it all goes away. 0.76
00:02:09.000 I remember that about being in a band.
00:02:11.000 When I used to sing for Anal Chinook, not particularly Leatherass Buttfuck. 0.99
00:02:17.000 My band Leatherass Buttfuck didn't have that many gigs, but Anal Chinook were around for a couple years. 1.00
00:02:22.000 And I remember like being buckled over with nerves before a show, especially if there was hundreds of people.
00:02:30.000 And then I would get on stage and just like maybe 10 seconds into the first song it would all go away.
00:02:37.000 It would be super fun.
00:02:39.000 And it would be all about how we can make this as entertaining as humanly possible.
00:02:42.000 I was remembering a scene recently where we did a cover of Tequila but we called it Diarrhea and it was... Diarrhea!
00:02:58.000 And I would put the mic out to the audience for the diarrhea part.
00:03:02.000 And I swear to God, man, I remember them having these looks in their eyes that were something out of Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Zombie, Apocalypse, Insanity.
00:03:12.000 Like, they were frantic.
00:03:15.000 It was like, it was Lord of the Flies.
00:03:18.000 Now, I remember going, what the hell?
00:03:21.000 Like, as I held out the mic and saw them like, Diarrhea! 0.86
00:03:24.000 Screaming at the top of their lungs.
00:03:27.000 I remember thinking what if I tapped into here?
00:03:29.000 This is bizarre I gotta go at the back door from the diarrhea patrol these guys love diarrhea But now What are we now 30 years later 35 years later?
00:03:42.000 No wait?
00:03:43.000 I'm 48 this was 18. 0.99
00:03:45.000 Holy shit 30 years later I'm slowly kind of realizing what it was it was young men 0.98
00:03:53.000 Letting off steam, and this is a small government town, Ottawa, so it's like the Washington D.C. 0.99
00:03:58.000 of Canada. 1.00
00:04:00.000 It's young men letting off steam and being stupid goofs. 1.00
00:04:05.000 And we were just starting the era, this would be like the late 80s, early 90s, of men not being allowed to be useless fucking dumb idiots. 1.00
00:04:15.000 Like the Proud Boys. 1.00
00:04:17.000 Dumb assholes. 1.00
00:04:19.000 That's a really great part of being a man. 1.00
00:04:22.000 You know, belly flop contests.
00:04:24.000 That's what us men do.
00:04:26.000 Farting.
00:04:27.000 Recording farts.
00:04:30.000 There was a band, a punk band called Rudimentary Peni, and they made a tape that's like an hour of farts.
00:04:37.000 And anytime someone farted, there was this tape recorder with a microphone, and they would run over and get it on tape.
00:04:42.000 So it's just like... That's my vocal interpretation of farts.
00:04:49.000 I could have done actual farts.
00:04:51.000 Well, not actual literal farts, but you get what I'm saying. 1.00
00:04:55.000 And I'm realizing now that those crazy eyes they had were were guys saying we can finally just be stupid idiots. 1.00
00:05:04.000 We love doing this because, you know, the audience was were teenage boys, you know, 15 to 19. 1.00
00:05:13.000 I guess you know what teenage means.
00:05:16.000 And I'm realizing now how healthy punk rock and moshing and all that stuff is for a young man.
00:05:22.000 It's a really good thing for a man to do.
00:05:24.000 Better than war! 1.00
00:05:25.000 Holy shit, it's possible that the state noticed that men of a certain age have this voracious appetite for danger and stupidity and it makes them easy cannon fodder for superfluous wars like Iraq and Afghanistan. 1.00
00:05:42.000 I'm not disparaging the military. 1.00
00:05:45.000 I'm just saying that they get taken advantage of.
00:05:47.000 You gotta understand when you're talking about any group like cops or the military, you hate the top brass. 1.00
00:05:57.000 Fuck the police's boss. 1.00
00:06:00.000 You're never saying fuck the police. 1.00
00:06:01.000 Well, you are, but I'm not. 0.98
00:06:12.000 I've noticed, by the way, at the gym, at the boxing gym, I'm starting to be spoken to like a Mets fan.
00:06:19.000 And the way Mets fans get spoken to is, uh, Hey, buddy, you're doing good.
00:06:24.000 And on.
00:06:26.000 Like that's a special way to be spoken to. 1.00
00:06:29.000 It means you're a retard. 1.00
00:06:30.000 It means you suck. 1.00
00:06:33.000 Hey, you were really good in there. 0.99
00:06:34.000 Like there's not one boxer at my gym where I would ever say to him, Hey, you were really good.
00:06:40.000 That was good.
00:06:43.000 That's unfathomable that I would ever say that, which means I'm at the bottom.
00:06:49.000 There's not one person who comes into that gym at any time of day where I could spar with them and I go, not bad, not bad.
00:06:55.000 I liked that when you got me there.
00:06:56.000 If I said that to anyone, they'd laugh.
00:07:02.000 I realized recently, oh, by the way, speaking of taking 30 years to realize that,
00:07:09.000 That those diarrhea guys were tapping into something very important.
00:07:17.000 Yes, you could take that quote out of context.
00:07:20.000 The young men, the teenage boys screaming diarrhea was actually a seminal moment in Western history. 1.00
00:07:27.000 And it was about young men being able to be dumb idiots. 1.00
00:07:32.000 Which is what men's clubs are all about. 1.00
00:07:34.000 The Knights of Columbus, the Freemasons, Shriners. 0.99
00:07:36.000 It's just about men not having to pull out chairs for a woman and being able to talk about fart jokes. 1.00
00:07:41.000 Or why does my ass bleed when I take a shit? 1.00
00:07:43.000 I'm not gay. 1.00
00:07:46.000 I remember this guy broke my ribs.
00:07:48.000 I call him Hydro Man because he sweats so much.
00:07:50.000 And he shattered my ribs.
00:07:52.000 You know there's a snooze button on your alarm clock?
00:07:55.000 I have a sneeze button on my ribs.
00:07:57.000 And if you push it at 100 miles an hour, I can't sneeze for a month and a half. 1.00
00:08:03.000 And this fucker, Hydro Man, nailed me in the ribs. 0.99
00:08:07.000 And now sneezing, laughing, getting out of bed, all of those hurt. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Like when you see a sneeze coming on, it's like you're Jesus on the cross and that Roman dude's about to stab you with his spear. 1.00
00:08:20.000 Like you go, oh fuck, here we go. 1.00
00:08:25.000 Honestly, I'm not exaggerating. 1.00
00:08:26.000 I'd rather kiss a homeless man on the lips than sneeze. 0.99
00:08:30.000 That's dying down and then this fucking cop with his fearless gland Nailed me today because he has no fear and when you punch him in the face It's like it's like smacking him on the buttocks like in sports and in baseball where they go good play Or in football. 1.00
00:08:46.000 That's what cops feel when you punch them in the face. 1.00
00:08:48.000 I get frazzled.
00:08:49.000 I don't like it It's like when you're it's like dancing with someone who has a taser You can't really get into the groove when you know at any moment
00:08:58.000 You just get this wake-up call.
00:08:59.000 And it doesn't not hurt.
00:09:02.000 I don't understand how people go, well, you gotta take the crunchy with the smooth, I suppose.
00:09:07.000 You get a headache.
00:09:08.000 It hurts to get punched in the head.
00:09:10.000 I'm feeling my forehead right now, and it's tender from my headgear being smashed into it.
00:09:15.000 And I overheard some guys saying to Hydro Man,
00:09:19.000 Hey man, why'd you gotta do that? 0.99
00:09:20.000 You fuckin' cracked his rib. 0.96
00:09:22.000 He's like, I'm sorry. 0.99
00:09:23.000 Yo, I'm sorry.
00:09:24.000 He talks like Vinnie Barbarino in the Sweat Hogs. 0.79
00:09:27.000 Yo, I'm sorry.
00:09:28.000 I'm from the Bronx.
00:09:31.000 And that took me about two days to realize, oh, they're making fun of me. 0.99
00:09:38.000 They're teasing, they're pretending they're mad at him to make fun of me for being a fucking human cracker. 1.00
00:09:44.000 Maybe that's why black people call us crackers, because we're so fragile. 1.00
00:09:49.000 Actually the FDNY calls us marshmallows. 0.98
00:09:53.000 Because we're soft and white.
00:09:55.000 That's the racist term for hipsters. 0.68
00:09:58.000 I did a video about it, a comedy sketch.
00:10:01.000 uh called the m word and i hired a bunch of firemen to uh to uh uh do it with me it was for vans i think they've deleted all my videos because i'm the hate figure now but it was a funny video we had a funeral there was a funeral for the n word around that time this is like 2009
00:10:17.000 And they literally buried the n-word in a coffin. 1.00
00:10:22.000 So we had a funeral for the m-word and we put a marshmallow in a tiny little casket, all these hipsters did, and we buried it. 1.00
00:10:29.000 This is right after I left Vice and I still had some currency.
00:10:33.000 Pre-Hate Figure days. 0.99
00:10:36.000 But yeah, it took me a few days to realize, oh yeah, you were making fun of me when you were giving him shit for snapping my fucking peanut brittle ribs. 0.99
00:10:45.000 And it reminds me of this comedian, Nate Barsgate. 0.99
00:10:48.000 I have the weirdest Twitter feed now.
00:10:50.000 I'm not on Twitter, but I logged on as Ryan Katsu Rivera.
00:10:54.000 This is probably going to get me booted off again.
00:10:56.000 But I logged in on Ryan's account before they banned him.
00:11:01.000 But I'm still on some sort of ghost version of his account.
00:11:06.000 I can't DM anyone.
00:11:08.000 I can't like anything.
00:11:09.000 But, and I can only look at Twitter moments.
00:11:11.000 I can't look at an actual feed. 0.93
00:11:13.000 But, the Twitter moments are inspired by his gay tastes. 0.88
00:11:17.000 So, it's like, what's hot in the news, and then actors and actresses, and then comedians.
00:11:24.000 So I have a disproportionate amount of
00:11:29.000 I don't know, information, interest, attention, spent on random comedians that I never normally would know about, and actors.
00:11:40.000 Like, I read Barbra Streisand's tweets every day.
00:11:44.000 And George Takei, and Sam Morel and Mark Norman, and all those, like, well, I like Joe Rogan, obviously.
00:11:54.000 But all those sort of like, you know, up and coming, here, I'll look at my phone right now.
00:12:00.000 I go into Twitter, Twitter moments, and I see, I see what?
00:12:08.000 I see welcome back, and they want me to sign in, which I obviously can't do.
00:12:12.000 So I see the main news, apparently judge rules that Jussie Smollett's case file can be unsealed.
00:12:17.000 That dude, look, everything you need to know about compulsive liars is in a book called The Advocate.
00:12:24.000 It's a French book about some guy in Switzerland who murdered his entire family.
00:12:32.000 And you think at the end of the book, when he gets caught, it's all gonna come crashing down on him.
00:12:40.000 But he doesn't.
00:12:41.000 He keeps changing his story.
00:12:45.000 Sorry, I'm looking it up. 0.89
00:12:46.000 Murdered his whole family.
00:12:50.000 You're reading the book going, oh man, I can't wait. 0.97
00:12:54.000 Till this all blows up in your face.
00:12:57.000 And then he finds Jesus when he goes to jail and he never pays the price. 0.65
00:13:03.000 And that's what you have to understand.
00:13:06.000 The adversary, sorry, is that it?
00:13:09.000 The adversary.
00:13:11.000 France's most notorious killers.
00:13:14.000 Yeah, sorry, not the advocate, the adversary.
00:13:17.000 Don't keep hoping that the bad guys are going to get caught, or as they're now called in the liberal vernacular, bad actors.
00:13:26.000 What an irritating term.
00:13:27.000 Bad actors.
00:13:29.000 So it looks like a bunch of bad actors have helped support Trump and blah blah.
00:13:34.000 What?
00:13:35.000 Bad actors?
00:13:36.000 They're not talking about Jeremy Piven.
00:13:39.000 They're talking about people who do actions that are evil.
00:13:42.000 They're bad actors.
00:13:44.000 Blech.
00:13:45.000 Anyway, I have this weird Twitter feed, and, uh, I...
00:13:51.000 I have What's Happening, and then I have Stand-Up Comedians.
00:13:55.000 So, I regularly read the thoughts of Doug Stanhope, Jackie Cashion, Ted Alexandro, Dave Attell, Paul F. Tompkins. 0.99
00:14:05.000 People I could give less of a shit about. 0.99
00:14:08.000 And then, of course, George Takei. 0.99
00:14:10.000 John Krasinski, what's he got to say?
00:14:13.000 Oh, Memorial Day is coming up, John says.
00:14:16.000 Jamie Lee Curtis has some stuff.
00:14:18.000 Mark Ruffalo, who, speaking of bad actors, wow, is he brutal.
00:14:23.000 But anyway, some of it's good.
00:14:24.000 Like Nate Barsgate, I discovered him through Ryan's Ghost.
00:14:28.000 What?
00:14:29.000 Bargatsy.
00:14:30.000 Nate Bargatsy.
00:14:32.000 I discovered him through Ryan's Ghost Twitter feed, and the guy's got it.
00:14:38.000 He just has the gift.
00:14:41.000 It's like John Bonham playing drums in 5'4 time.
00:14:44.000 You just watch it and you go,
00:14:46.000 Whatever it was, God sprinkled some of it on you, and you got it. 0.99
00:14:49.000 He's not particularly witty, his concepts... Like, you listen to someone like Louis C.K., and he really reaches for crazy shit, defending pedophiles, and talking about how if murder was legal, we'd do it all the time. 0.99
00:15:03.000 And he'd talk about how you'd just shoot Barbara like... 1.00
00:15:06.000 What a bitch. 1.00
00:15:08.000 Uh, I'm not sure that's true, by the way, but it's just a funny concept that I'd never thought of before. 0.99
00:15:11.000 That's Louis C.K.' 0.99
00:15:12.000 's gift, is that he can... he brings up shit that blows your mind. 0.99
00:15:15.000 But, um... 0.99
00:15:17.000 Nate's just a normal comedian.
00:15:20.000 You know, the super old-fashioned kind.
00:15:22.000 I think it's because his dad was a clown and a magician and he's just sort of from a long line of like Barnum and Bailey.
00:15:27.000 Hello, I'm a comedian.
00:15:28.000 Here's a joke.
00:15:29.000 But anyway, he has a funny bit that he tweeted out this morning about how he met a couple named John and Jane Doe.
00:15:38.000 And he goes, wow, wait a minute, you're John and Jane Doe?
00:15:42.000 And they go, yeah.
00:15:44.000 And he goes, wow, can you even do that?
00:15:46.000 Is that allowed?
00:15:47.000 And they go, well, we're doing it.
00:15:49.000 And I'm not doing it justice.
00:15:51.000 Maybe they were changing their names to John and Jane Doe, something like that.
00:15:53.000 But he goes, then I was driving the other day and I was on the road and I was thinking, wait a minute, they were lying to me. 0.99
00:16:02.000 And it took them 30 years to realize that John and Jane Doe, or not John and Jane Doe, they were fucking lying. 0.95
00:16:11.000 And it's sort of like that with those guys giving Hydro Man shit about breaking my ribs, and I was like, hey guys, take it easy on him, man. 0.99
00:16:17.000 I was coming at him, too, pretty hard. 0.96
00:16:19.000 They were joking because they know Hydro Man could obliterate me.
00:16:23.000 So they're pretending that he was too mean. 0.99
00:16:27.000 And then what the fuck's your problem, man? 0.99
00:16:29.000 They're laughing at how fragile I am. 0.99
00:16:32.000 And it reminds me of a David Cross story where he was at a bar and like a concert kind of thing.
00:16:38.000 He was sort of dancing, doing kind of a, not a mosh thing, but like a ska thing.
00:16:42.000 Where you're doing that sort of stationary jog.
00:16:45.000 And, uh, this, this couple, like a male and a female came up to him and they said, Hey, what was going on there with your dance?
00:16:53.000 And he goes, Oh, it's just like, sort of like a ska thing.
00:16:55.000 Like you put your arms up, you know, like sort of like the DRI logo, kind of like a mini mosh kind of a ska thing.
00:17:02.000 You put your shoulders up and they're like, how do you do that?
00:17:03.000 And you have your arms.
00:17:04.000 And he's like, that's really easy.
00:17:06.000 You just, you put your elbows up and you sort of like,
00:17:09.000 You know, like sort of like that.
00:17:11.000 Oh, I think I got it.
00:17:13.000 And then he told me that about 30 hours later, he's sitting around like in his living room and he goes, Oh, they were making fun of me.
00:17:27.000 That's what it is.
00:17:30.000 It took him that long.
00:17:32.000 Or with my old buddy, Derek Beckles.
00:17:35.000 Who said his mother was caught in the World Trade Center.
00:17:40.000 And we all cried and, oh my God, I hope she's okay.
00:17:43.000 Literally on the day, September 11th, we're all at, was it Doc Holidays?
00:17:47.000 Waiting for news and he eventually got to a payphone and he called and he found out she made it!
00:17:53.000 She walked home dust covered to New Jersey. 1.00
00:17:56.000 I guess under the fucking New Jersey tunnel. 1.00
00:18:00.000 She made it. 1.00
00:18:01.000 What's it called?
00:18:02.000 How would you walk to New Jersey?
00:18:05.000 Ryan, how would you walk to New Jersey?
00:18:08.000 Fast.
00:18:13.000 I said walk.
00:18:15.000 How would you walk?
00:18:16.000 You'd take the train.
00:18:17.000 Thanks for the tip.
00:18:24.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:18:25.000 You walk through the Lincoln Tunnel.
00:18:26.000 That's the correct answer.
00:18:27.000 Jesus Lord.
00:18:28.000 You take the train?
00:18:28.000 That's not ideal.
00:18:30.000 How would you walk across America?
00:18:31.000 Oh, probably fly there?
00:18:35.000 Thanks.
00:18:37.000 If you had to walk up a mountain, how would you do that?
00:18:40.000 Get in a helicopter and go to the top?
00:18:43.000 Then get out and be like, I walked it!
00:18:46.000 You could walk on the helicopter.
00:18:49.000 Um...
00:18:53.000 And then honestly, so what was September 11th, 2001?
00:18:55.000 I would say again, 20 years later, I was driving around.
00:19:03.000 Remember in Repo Man where that guy goes, I do some of my best thinking on the bus?
00:19:08.000 That weird little preemie looking dude who looks like a runt. 1.00
00:19:11.000 He's the best part of Repo Man. 1.00
00:19:12.000 And he goes, people who drive are stupid. 1.00
00:19:16.000 You do your best thinking on the bus. 1.00
00:19:18.000 And we all do our best thinking when we're driving before Howard Stern came along.
00:19:22.000 And yeah, I was driving around.
00:19:24.000 I went, wait a minute.
00:19:26.000 The guy has lied to me a million times. 1.00
00:19:29.000 He's fucking lying. 1.00
00:19:31.000 Like we were all sitting there crying on September 11th, holding each other. 1.00
00:19:37.000 I, in my book, the audio version of my book, Death of the Cool, when we get to that chapter, I'm blubbering like a complete faggot. 1.00
00:19:44.000 I look like the guy on the back of Led Zeppelin 4. 0.98
00:19:53.000 I'm gonna just let that sink in.
00:19:54.000 That's one of the funniest things I've ever said.
00:19:58.000 The cover of Led Zeppelin 4 has a gentleman with a bundle of sticks on his back, if you recall. 0.99
00:20:05.000 And the bundle of sticks is technically a faggot. 1.00
00:20:09.000 So he has a faggot on his back. 1.00
00:20:11.000 Okay. 1.00
00:20:13.000 I deigned to explain a joke to you.
00:20:16.000 Just so you know, all the other jokes are that good.
00:20:19.000 The ones that you just go, why do you say that?
00:20:21.000 It's that high quality of wit.
00:20:25.000 Like on my, oh, I have a telegram now.
00:20:27.000 I'm trying a new social media.
00:20:28.000 I've been banished now to telegram.
00:20:30.000 I'm in the outskirts.
00:20:32.000 So how do you get it?
00:20:32.000 I guess you get the app, right?
00:20:35.000 And then you, uh, the link is a real Gavin McInnes.
00:20:42.000 All one word, obviously.
00:20:44.000 I think that's how you get it.
00:20:45.000 And the logo is the picture of me.
00:20:48.000 That sort of mug shot I used forever.
00:20:53.000 So the last one is, you can buy a slave in Libya today for $400.
00:20:57.000 Shouldn't some journalist be doing that for the story?
00:20:59.000 And then freeing them, where's vice?
00:21:02.000 Ooh, that's a rude little diss. 1.00
00:21:06.000 But on that same telegram, I saw that some whale was found on the beach.
00:21:11.000 And he had a bunch of plastic in his stomach, which is my fault.
00:21:15.000 We need to recycle more!
00:21:17.000 There's a whale with some plastic in his belly! 1.00
00:21:21.000 You fuckers! 1.00
00:21:22.000 Yeah, um, that's not us. 1.00
00:21:26.000 You know, I used to go to Costa Rica every year.
00:21:29.000 And I would see these garbage barges, and Central Americans, I don't know who taught them science, but in Costa Rica, they take a garbage barge out to the middle of the water, you know, the middle of the ocean, not the middle of the ocean, maybe two miles into the ocean, and then just drop it, drop all their garbage. 1.00
00:21:51.000 So, things that float don't sink to the bottom, believe it or not, which is a lot of shit. 1.00
00:21:58.000 Actually, the only shit that doesn't is shit. 0.99
00:22:02.000 And so the beaches that aren't, you know, super touristy and manned are covered in flip-flops, combs, and shampoo bottles. 1.00
00:22:11.000 Those seem to dominate the floating detritus.
00:22:15.000 Those are the people doing the thing. 1.00
00:22:16.000 You in the suburbs with your stupid little fucking green bucket where you put all your things there, then you have the separate one for paper, then your other one for juice boxes. 1.00
00:22:27.000 That's all horseshit. 1.00
00:22:29.000 That's the government guilting us 1.00
00:22:32.000 Taking advantage of our guilt and taxing us for it.
00:22:34.000 You might as well tax boners. 0.94
00:22:37.000 It's just a natural human instinct that they've managed to monetize.
00:22:40.000 You're not helping the environment.
00:22:42.000 Something like 70% of the plastics in the oceans come from two Chinese rivers.
00:22:51.000 You can look it up.
00:22:52.000 I don't know the exact details, but you get it.
00:22:54.000 All this pollution you hear about is other countries.
00:22:57.000 Mostly China.
00:22:59.000 Anyway, in this whale they found like 16 plastic bags and it takes a little bit of research and then you realize, oh, they're rice sacks.
00:23:10.000 Yeah, that's not us.
00:23:11.000 Anyway, on my telegram I said, call me back when it's a Louisiana license plate and I'll start feeling guilty.
00:23:18.000 Now, of course,
00:23:20.000 Knowing the intense layers of wit that every joke I have has, I was referring to the movie Jaws, where they conduct an autopsy and they find, among other things, a Louisiana license plate.
00:23:35.000 And to further that insider info, I would mention that part of the code was 007.
00:23:40.000 It was Spielberg's homage to James Bond.
00:23:45.000 We're dealing with a lot of layers here, folks.
00:23:48.000 But,
00:23:50.000 I've been banished from comedy, so this is the only venue I have, the only outlet.
00:23:57.000 And I can't do sketches anymore.
00:24:00.000 I used to do a lot of comedy sketches.
00:24:02.000 I'm very proud of some of the ones that are popular, like How to Fight a Baby and If Men Ran Fashion, but there's other ones like Nigel Norris or something, Right in the Queen's Onions. 0.84
00:24:12.000 That one bombed, but I thought it was really fucking funny.
00:24:18.000 But I literally cannot do comedy sketches because I'm so banished. 0.93
00:24:22.000 Like for my Christmas card, I do a funny Christmas card every year that I can't show you because I have stalkers, you know, trying to get my kids.
00:24:29.000 So I have to keep it on the DL and just send it to friends.
00:24:33.000 But I have a great Christmas card every year.
00:24:35.000 One year we were Krusty Punks and we discovered touring with all these bands and I just talked about the bands the whole time.
00:24:41.000 One time we were into dancing and I talked about our dance instructor and what a great relationship my wife and him have. 0.92
00:24:47.000 I was clearly a cuck.
00:24:48.000 The kids are always in the background neglected. 0.81
00:24:51.000 Like literally dirty and wearing diapers even though they're eight years old and one of them was we were billionaires now and we feel sorry for all the poor people and the letter was written to people that are getting the card saying maybe you one day if you keep trying you can be at this level and I know some super rich I know this was super rich dude out in the Hamptons and I used his house for the shot and all his cars are in the background and one of the things I had was a Louis Vuitton bag which is fake and
00:25:20.000 Just bursting with money.
00:25:24.000 Fake money is expensive.
00:25:26.000 Like for a stack of 10,000, it's 10 bucks.
00:25:29.000 So if you want to have a million bucks pouring out of a Louis Vuitton bag, it costs about 200 bucks in fake money.
00:25:35.000 So I wanted to rent the fake money.
00:25:38.000 But the guy at the rental place recognized my name and said, I'd rather have nothing to do with you.
00:25:44.000 Thank you very much.
00:25:46.000 If you come by, I'll throw a milkshake at you. 1.00
00:25:50.000 Can we just take a break here for a second and talk about these goddamn motherfucking milkshakes? 0.99
00:25:55.000 So the new cool thing with the week left is picking fights by throwing milkshakes at people. 1.00
00:26:01.000 They did it to Nigel Farage.
00:26:03.000 They did it to Tommy Robinson twice.
00:26:05.000 They did it to Sargon of Akkad. 0.64
00:26:06.000 And they most recently did it to a war vet who served his country for 22 years.
00:26:12.000 A 70-year-old man.
00:26:14.000 Yes, he's pro-Brexit.
00:26:15.000 Sorry.
00:26:16.000 It's not racist.
00:26:17.000 That's anti-European Union.
00:26:20.000 Europe's pretty white.
00:26:21.000 So wanting to be separate from a big group of white people is not considered racist, I'm afraid. 1.00
00:26:26.000 But they threw a fucking milkshake on him. 0.99
00:26:29.000 And the cheat is, hey, it's just a joke. 1.00
00:26:34.000 What are you so mad about?
00:26:35.000 And to be honest, I've used that cheat too.
00:26:38.000 Like when we had an anti-Sharia demonstration in New York,
00:26:43.000 We were clearly trying to bait the Antifa and the far left into coming out and protesting it because now they're pro-Sharia and now they're pro a system that wants women to be second-class citizens.
00:26:54.000 It's a bait-and-switch.
00:26:56.000 And so they're trying to do that to us.
00:26:59.000 But I don't think they understand that the right is constantly violently attacked.
00:27:07.000 CBS!
00:27:09.000 The good fight plays the Richard Spencer punch on a loop.
00:27:13.000 And I know we're not white nationalists.
00:27:15.000 We have nothing to do with Richard Spencer.
00:27:16.000 But in the left's eyes, Richard Spencer and Trump are the same guys.
00:27:21.000 David Duke and Ben Carson and Jeanine Pirro.
00:27:25.000 I'm not exaggerating.
00:27:26.000 If you look at the SPLC's hate list, they list all those people. 0.82
00:27:30.000 Ben Carson is a Nazi to them.
00:27:33.000 So Ben Carson, Richard Spencer are best friends. 0.99
00:27:35.000 They're all part of this evil cabal of hate.
00:27:38.000 They play that on a loop.
00:27:39.000 So we're drowning in violence.
00:27:41.000 All the time.
00:27:43.000 Pepper sprayed.
00:27:45.000 Hit with bike locks.
00:27:47.000 And we have Maxine Waters saying, harass them. 1.00
00:27:50.000 We got Eric Holder saying, kick them when they're down.
00:27:52.000 We got Tim Kaine saying, we have to fight in the streets.
00:27:55.000 That's the environment of violence we're living in.
00:27:59.000 So we know your milkshakes are not just a milkshake.
00:28:03.000 It's like MS-13 was throwing milkshakes on people.
00:28:06.000 And MS-13 kept saying, what it's just a milkshake.
00:28:08.000 Go look up the weapons that were confiscated in Portland.
00:28:13.000 The Antifa weapons that were confiscated in Portland.
00:28:16.000 It's pure Game of Thrones.
00:28:18.000 There's, like, there's knives there that are for holding with your four fingers, like brass knuckles, where then the knife comes out.
00:28:29.000 In other words, a knife with a normal handle isn't plungy enough for me.
00:28:33.000 I need to really get through your sternum. 1.00
00:28:36.000 So I need to hold it like brass knuckles.
00:28:37.000 That's the kind of weapons Antifa bring to an event.
00:28:41.000 And the right can't bring weapons because they're within a perimeter where the police de-weaponize you.
00:28:49.000 Literally.
00:28:54.000 Anyway.
00:28:56.000 The milkshakes thing reminds me of, uh, there's that German guy, Frank Magnitz, who Antifa beat pretty much to death.
00:29:06.000 I think he's still clinging for life. 0.91
00:29:08.000 The gash in his head is so vagina giving birth that if you look it up, you'll see it's, it's pixelated. 0.96
00:29:16.000 They can't show it. 0.92
00:29:17.000 And then they had this other guy, the guy I talked about on my last show, I guess I'm repeating points here, but they had that other guy Putnam or something.
00:29:25.000 What's his name?
00:29:27.000 I telegrammed it.
00:29:29.000 Um, so I'm going through my telegram.
00:29:32.000 He's not Dutch and I called him a Marxist, but he was, he taught Marxism for a while, but he's, he's, that was when he was a young man.
00:29:41.000 Um, oh yeah.
00:29:43.000 Fortun, F-O-R-T-U-Y-N. 1.00
00:29:47.000 And they threw pies at him and then they killed him. 0.82
00:29:49.000 So we're not dealing with your average milkshake throwers here. 0.97
00:29:54.000 If it was just that, I'd be fine with that.
00:29:56.000 I would prefer, I got pepper sprayed in the face when I spoke at NYU.
00:29:59.000 I'd much prefer a milkshake.
00:30:01.000 If that was all, if they weren't doxing people and having dozens of people fired.
00:30:06.000 Hundreds of people fired, but dozens I know.
00:30:09.000 Terrorizing people's children, their families.
00:30:12.000 Cassandra Fairbanks got to take her kids out of school. 1.00
00:30:15.000 Dana Lash has a whole escape plan with her high school that she's worked out with the teachers there in case anyone attacks her kids. 0.95
00:30:22.000 That's who we're up against.
00:30:25.000 So MS-13 is throwing milkshakes.
00:30:27.000 It's not a normal thing.
00:30:30.000 But anyway, back to how hilarious I am.
00:30:35.000 I've been deprived of this.
00:30:36.000 I can't even rent money.
00:30:40.000 But I've been having some funny ideas and I'd like to share some of them with you because maybe you could make them as sketches.
00:30:48.000 Just today I was thinking how funny it would be if there was a black rights thing with, not Farrakhan per se, but just like, brothers and sisters, we need to wake up because they are leaving the hood with barrels full of money day by day, year by year, decade by decade. 1.00
00:31:05.000 So you have that guy come up and then the third guy, same like black suit with a skinny black tie is me.
00:31:16.000 What's up?
00:31:16.000 Thank you, brother.
00:31:17.000 Deontay.
00:31:18.000 Young brothers just don't realize what we are up against, right?
00:31:22.000 What if I did that for real?
00:31:25.000 And I just started doing a speech.
00:31:27.000 Ryan, are you listening to any of this?
00:31:29.000 I'm listening to a little bit.
00:31:31.000 I did a speech about black awareness to the hood.
00:31:34.000 You did?
00:31:37.000 And you know the problem with this sketch is as we were talking about it I was so proud of myself for being hilarious and then I realized it's an episode of King of Queens.
00:31:45.000 Oh, right, right.
00:31:46.000 See if you can dig that up. 0.50
00:31:48.000 Kevin James, so Kevin James' Doug, I believe is the character's name, his best friend is black.
00:31:54.000 And his black friend starts hanging out with a new friend who's also black, which makes Kevin James feel bad.
00:32:00.000 And he's wondering how he can get, what's his name?
00:32:03.000 Desmond or Declan or Deegan or something?
00:32:05.000 How he can get him back. 0.97
00:32:07.000 And he thought, I could get him back if I was more black than his new black friend. 0.95
00:32:11.000 And then he has a speech, like a Nation-Islam speech where he talks about reparations. 0.98
00:32:17.000 Oh, he's at a black church. 0.93
00:32:19.000 Okay, turn it up. 0.66
00:32:20.000 So this, I guess I didn't come up with this idea.
00:32:22.000 I stole it.
00:32:24.000 Oh, he's singing gospel.
00:32:33.000 What are you doing?
00:32:35.000 You're pushing all the buttons.
00:32:46.000 I've seen the Jefferson song.
00:32:47.000 Where's him doing a speech though?
00:32:51.000 Is that it?
00:32:52.000 No, you got the wrong one.
00:32:53.000 Reparations.
00:32:54.000 By the way, hearing the Jeffersons reminds me that the Archie Bunker remake was on last night.
00:33:00.000 I don't have the heart to watch it.
00:33:03.000 Because it's so dear to me.
00:33:04.000 It would be like hearing that Will Ferrell and Jeremy Piven and Mark Ruffalo were doing a Sex Pistols special where they were dressing up as the band.
00:33:15.000 I wouldn't be able to watch it because I'd be so worried about them ruining my fond memories.
00:33:20.000 But I've since heard that
00:33:26.000 Justin Theroux and Jimmy Kimmel were not trying to ruin anything.
00:33:29.000 They were redoing a 1973 sketch, sorry, script.
00:33:34.000 So they didn't change any of the words.
00:33:36.000 That's actually perfect art.
00:33:39.000 That's what art should be.
00:33:41.000 Art is about, ideally, art is about taking something out of context.
00:33:45.000 And no, that's not politics.
00:33:46.000 Don't do that in politics.
00:33:48.000 And putting it somewhere and saying what about this like modern art where they I think it was Jeff Koons first First foray into the modern art world he took a bunch of vacuum cleaners popular expensive vacuum cleaners, and he framed them with like a pedestal and plexiglass and Put them in an art museum and all of a sudden you're looking at a vacuum as a piece of art And you realize Jesus these things are beautiful like they're really impressive Who made this?
00:34:18.000 That's great art.
00:34:19.000 So, I'm actually now impressed with the concept.
00:34:24.000 What do you got?
00:34:25.000 Don't get excited.
00:34:26.000 No, don't.
00:34:27.000 Don't get it twist.
00:34:28.000 Don't get it twist.
00:34:29.000 That's what, by the way, that's an African American ebonic saying, don't get it twisted, and when I was in Paris reporting on the Bataclan shooting, I was in northern Paris where all the Muslims are, and I was interviewing people on the street, and some French woman, who were the thorn in my side the entire time, comes up and she's like, don't get it twist! 0.97
00:34:49.000 Meaning, don't make this about Muslims and making Muslims look bad.
00:34:53.000 Well, they did just shoot about 85 people. 1.00
00:34:58.000 And rip their guts out and cut their balls and cock off and feed it to them as they were dead. 0.99
00:35:04.000 So, you'll forgive me if, um... I'm investigating. 1.00
00:35:10.000 Don't get it twist! 0.65
00:35:11.000 That kind of became an inside joke with Pat Dixon and I. After that.
00:35:16.000 Um, by the way, speaking of, uh, a thorn, I was watching Animal Planet the other day and they were, they were in the jungles of, I think Nairobi.
00:35:27.000 And it was just stunning.
00:35:29.000 The fact that there's untouched land there in this day and age, you're seeing elephants and, and monkeys, and it was right out of the jungle book.
00:35:39.000 I'm watching this and they had this hidden footage of, uh, it, it was, uh, an elephant.
00:35:47.000 And they are genuinely scared of mice.
00:35:49.000 That's not a myth.
00:35:50.000 And it was an elephant and it was acting erratic.
00:35:53.000 And of course, you know, these guys will film the jungle for a thousand hours and eventually get, you know, the money shot.
00:36:01.000 So this scene, which God knows how hard it was to catch this, was this elephant and it was acting erratic and probably because a mouse was there.
00:36:09.000 And then you could see that the mouse had kind of a thorn.
00:36:13.000 Sorry, the elephant had something on its foot that was hurting it, like some sort of a thorn.
00:36:17.000 That's why it came to me.
00:36:19.000 And you could see the mouse sort of going back and forth to the elephant that was getting less trepidatious as the mouse would go back and forth.
00:36:26.000 And this is all, they have all this on camera.
00:36:28.000 And then, unbelievable, you see the mouse sort of grab at the elephant's, what do you call that, a hoof?
00:36:38.000 Tusk.
00:36:39.000 Tusk?
00:36:41.000 Hoof being a foot, right?
00:36:42.000 A foot. 1.00
00:36:44.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:36:46.000 That is one for the books. 1.00
00:36:49.000 That is going on our sizzle reel.
00:36:53.000 You are sub-retarded. 1.00
00:36:55.000 A tusk?
00:37:01.000 Do you, have you read a children's book in your life?
00:37:03.000 Yeah.
00:37:04.000 Do you know, like, what right and left means?
00:37:07.000 Yeah.
00:37:08.000 Up and down?
00:37:09.000 Do you know what a circle is?
00:37:10.000 Yeah.
00:37:11.000 Have you ever seen an elephant?
00:37:13.000 Yep.
00:37:13.000 They don't walk on their tusks.
00:37:15.000 If they do, they should join the circus, because that's quite a trick.
00:37:19.000 Yeah.
00:37:21.000 Thanks for interjecting, by the way.
00:37:22.000 Uh, glasses?
00:37:24.000 Was it the elephant's glasses?
00:37:26.000 I found the, alright.
00:37:28.000 Um.
00:37:29.000 Poof.
00:37:30.000 So he sees the splinter.
00:37:31.000 Yeah.
00:37:32.000 And you can tell the mouse is pulling it out for the elephant.
00:37:36.000 And then this could be in my head, but it seemed like, I know it's going to sound crazy, but it seemed like they were negotiating some sort of a deal afterwards.
00:37:48.000 And.
00:37:49.000 It looked like the mouse was gesturing to the back of the elephant for something.
00:37:53.000 And the elephant seemed to be sort of like nodding.
00:37:56.000 I don't know.
00:37:56.000 I could be sort of, what's it called?
00:37:58.000 Anthropomorphizing the animals and making them into humans.
00:38:01.000 But it looked like they were negotiating something that involved the mouse going to the back of the elephant. 1.00
00:38:06.000 And then, and it's going to sound crazy, but I swear to God, the mouse seemed to scurry up the back legs of the elephant and start fucking it in the ass. 0.99
00:38:17.000 Like he moved the tail as much as a mouse could and it was moving and I could tell it was way north of the elephant's vagina. 1.00
00:38:24.000 So it was the butthole. 0.98
00:38:26.000 And the mouse seemed to be holding on to the top of the tail, pumping at it. 0.90
00:38:29.000 And then they sort of cut back, and you see this family of chimps. 1.00
00:38:35.000 And the patriarch, I guess the alpha chimp, was just getting up, maybe from a nap, and he had his wife there, or whatever, I don't know if they're monogamous, but there was females there, there was kids there, and they were much higher up in a tree, but they were near the elephant. 0.72
00:38:48.000 And you could see the chimp wake up and he does his stretching, you know, as one does. 1.00
00:38:52.000 He's got his arms up.
00:38:54.000 And then you see him sort of surveying his lair, which is his neighborhood.
00:38:58.000 I guess that's the sort of chimp equivalent of reading the morning paper. 1.00
00:39:02.000 And he looks across the horizon and he sees what I perceive to be a mouse fucking an elephant up the ass. 1.00
00:39:11.000 Up seems like a strong word, because you think of a mouse's dick. 1.00
00:39:15.000 I think I would let a mouse fuck me up the ass if I had a magazine. 1.00
00:39:19.000 I don't think that's even rape. 1.00
00:39:22.000 I mean, it's just a grain of rice.
00:39:23.000 By the way, Taylor Mead is in a lot of Andy Warhol movies, and he was in the East Village when I first moved to New York. 0.96
00:39:31.000 He's an eccentric homosexual. 1.00
00:39:33.000 He's in a lot of art films. 0.98
00:39:34.000 And he's heir to the Mead throne. 0.95
00:39:40.000 So he's rich, but he's also insane. 0.58
00:39:43.000 I think he's dead now, but he was a hoarder.
00:39:45.000 His car had so much newspaper in it that it would scrape along the axles as it went up and down 2nd and 3rd Avenue.
00:39:52.000 But I was at Max Fish with him on the Lower East Side, south of Houston there.
00:39:58.000 It's since moved, but it's still around. 0.99
00:40:02.000 I said to him, Taylor, the thing I don't get about fags is why do you guys want big dicks? 1.00
00:40:07.000 Like if I was gay, I would want the smallest dick known to man. 1.00
00:40:10.000 I would want my boyfriend to be an Asian baby. 1.00
00:40:14.000 And he fucking lost it! 0.99
00:40:18.000 He slammed his hands on the bar so hard that his beer fell over and then he lunged at me. 0.99
00:40:23.000 He's about 120 years old.
00:40:25.000 He lunged at me and he kept screaming the same thing in a loop. 0.86
00:40:28.000 I HATE LAZY THINKING! 0.99
00:40:31.000 I HATE LAZY THINKING! 0.99
00:40:33.000 Again and again.
00:40:34.000 Which I kind of agree with him on.
00:40:36.000 And the bouncers had to like put him in a lock and drag him out.
00:40:40.000 Is he alive?
00:40:41.000 Can you find out if he's alive? 0.99
00:40:45.000 He was just a crazy rich kid who probably sucked, I'm gonna conservatively say, a million dicks? 0.91
00:40:52.000 And he did all that before May 8th, 2013, unfortunately. 0.99
00:40:57.000 You were a funny guy.
00:40:57.000 Sorry, Taylor.
00:40:58.000 You were a quirky, funny, silly man. 0.99
00:41:00.000 I don't mean to disparage your dead body. 0.99
00:41:02.000 But that did happen.
00:41:05.000 Anyway, so this elephant's getting reamed with a piece of rice, and this chimp clearly sees it, and, um, the monkey, you can see him grab a coconut, and you can see he doesn't like what he's seeing. 0.98
00:41:17.000 And I don't think it's homophobic, I mean it's kind of bestiality in a weird way.
00:41:21.000 So I kind of agree with the chimp. 1.00
00:41:22.000 And you can see him on the animal planet, he arches back like Cinderguard, and he launches the coconut at this elephant, and it nails the elephant so fucking hard. 0.98
00:41:34.000 It looked like it came out of a cannon, and it goes PONG! 0.88
00:41:37.000 It was an audible PONG!
00:41:39.000 And you see the elephant go, and arc his head back with his nose because he got hit so hard. 1.00
00:41:46.000 And then you can see clearly in the tape, you see the little mouse go, that's right, take it, bitch. 1.00
00:41:50.000 What do you think of that? 0.99
00:41:56.000 He thinks that the elephant.
00:41:59.000 Oh, the elephant who walks on his tusks.
00:42:01.000 Thanks, buddy.
00:42:03.000 He's enjoying it so much that he reared back in pain.
00:42:07.000 OK, do you have the reparations?
00:42:09.000 I do.
00:42:10.000 Reparations. 0.98
00:42:12.000 Kevin James is fucking hilarious. 1.00
00:42:17.000 Oh, he's had a black party with all black people. 1.00
00:42:19.000 Is this it?
00:42:20.000 Yeah, this is his dream.
00:42:25.000 Wait, does he do a talk? 1.00
00:42:27.000 Wait, you said you had it, you fucking shitstain. 1.00
00:42:31.000 Oh, here it is. 1.00
00:42:32.000 And tell me this, why is there a liquor store on every corner in our neighborhood?
00:42:37.000 Yes, yes, yes, my brother.
00:42:40.000 But that is how the white man keeps us under his boots. 0.90
00:42:42.000 Oh, most definitely, most definitely. 0.91
00:42:44.000 Yeah, you know what the white man should be giving you?
00:42:47.000 Some reparations.
00:42:54.000 Wow, I remembered it totally differently. 1.00
00:42:55.000 Even in his dream, he sucks. 1.00
00:42:57.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:59.000 By the way, that's a thing for depression. 0.96
00:43:01.000 If you're in a dream and you're sucking and you wake up, go back into the dream if you can and beat everyone up and win. 0.98
00:43:09.000 I'm not kidding. 0.98
00:43:09.000 It's like a thing that psychologists teach you. 0.98
00:43:13.000 Really?
00:43:13.000 Yeah.
00:43:13.000 You know how I know this?
00:43:14.000 Why?
00:43:15.000 From the song 22 going on 23 by the Butthole Surfers.
00:43:20.000 That's where I get my psychology information from, but it works.
00:43:23.000 I've tried it.
00:43:24.000 Um, and it's, they have music to a caller from some, you know, call-in psychological show, where she's like, I cannot sleep.
00:43:33.000 I've tried to make myself out to be the winner, but it doesn't work.
00:43:37.000 And it's got this sludgy beat.
00:43:39.000 It's one of the, Butthole Surfers are one of the greatest bands of all time.
00:43:43.000 ...get through for quite a while.
00:43:45.000 Well, we're glad you kept trying.
00:43:47.000 Thank you.
00:43:48.000 Um, I had this problem last July.
00:43:53.000 I was assaulted sexually and ever since then I cannot sleep.
00:44:00.000 I've been having trouble sleeping.
00:44:05.000 How old are you?
00:44:07.000 I'm 22.
00:44:10.000 Going on 23.
00:44:13.000 That's when art could be weird.
00:44:15.000 Today this would be like a Me Too song trivializing sexual assault.
00:44:19.000 I'm not trivializing it.
00:44:20.000 It sounds like we're in hell.
00:44:24.000 Okay, what about this for an idea, another sketch idea I had that I could never make, so please steal this idea from me.
00:44:29.000 It's Freddie Mercury, it's a Queen concert, and you can't obviously use this song because it's a billion dollars so you can only talk about it, but it's Queen coming back backstage and it's a bunch of bros
00:44:42.000 Like with cut off shirts hanging out in the green room and then you have Freddie Mercury and I think the funny way to do Freddie Mercury if it was me I just dye my mustache black and then I get like hillbilly front teeth stuck in that would be trouble I mean that would be tricky because it's hard to orate when you have those joke teeth in but that might help the joke and uh
00:45:04.000 So Freddie Mercury comes in after the concert and they're like, dude that was fucking awesome!
00:45:09.000 He's like, thank you very much, thanks.
00:45:12.000 You know, when we get out there we're just trying to rock them all, we're just trying to inspire the crowd, make people enjoy themselves, you know what I mean? 0.98
00:45:19.000 And they go, oh my god, that fucking song, Fat Bottom Girls, you make the rockin' world go round! 1.00
00:45:27.000 That's the jam! 0.99
00:45:29.000 And he's like, oh, no, yeah, that one just sort of came to me, really.
00:45:33.000 Um, I'm pretty proud of it. 0.92
00:45:35.000 And they go, you just you get fat bottom girls. 1.00
00:45:39.000 I mean, you just get it.
00:45:40.000 And they keep interrogating him about fat bottom girls.
00:45:44.000 And he goes, Oh, yeah, I love him. 1.00
00:45:45.000 I love a big fat ass on a bird. 1.00
00:45:48.000 Just fucking give it over here. 1.00
00:45:51.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:45:53.000 And then you have woman with fat asses in the crowd and basically I mean sorry backstage and you keep ramping it up as he awkwardly pretends he likes fat bottom girls because he's obviously a raging homosexual he's the singer of a band called Queen which we didn't really catch on to in the 70s for some reason and then at the end you give him 1.00
00:46:13.000 A girl with a gigantic ass and you say, why don't you fucking dig into that, buddy? 1.00
00:46:17.000 And he's like, all right, here we go. 1.00
00:46:20.000 Yeah.
00:46:21.000 And then it's just the 40 year old virgin joke.
00:46:24.000 I see.
00:46:25.000 All right.
00:46:25.000 These aren't going very well.
00:46:26.000 I tuned out half of it rather because I was looking for the Jamie Foxx thing that you mentioned.
00:46:32.000 Okay.
00:46:33.000 What about this other idea?
00:46:34.000 These are my notes, sketch ideas.
00:46:36.000 I get a tattoo, and you can make fake tattoos super easy, right?
00:46:41.000 Um, we get a tattoo of a, uh, a baby.
00:46:45.000 You know, there's, there's a certain tattoo.
00:46:47.000 When people get a tattoo of their baby, they use the finest tattoo needle, like the one or whatever it is, the 0.0001.
00:46:55.000 And it's like this soft gray and the baby always looks the same.
00:46:58.000 And then it says her name below it, like, uh,
00:47:02.000 Cassidy and I thought it'd be funny to get that tattoo somewhere and it's people go oh is that your daughter you go no no I just it's my friend's daughter it just I think she's an absolute angel I think she's really beautiful I just like her and then that led me to the idea wouldn't it be funny like my youngest son is six his best friend is black
00:47:26.000 And wouldn't it be funny if that was my friend?
00:47:28.000 And I would just bring him to hang out and play poker with the guys.
00:47:31.000 People would go, is this your stepson?
00:47:34.000 What's going on here?
00:47:34.000 And it was just my buddy.
00:47:36.000 I have a six-year-old black friend.
00:47:37.000 Now, I know what you're saying.
00:47:38.000 You're saying, why'd you have to make him black?
00:47:40.000 Try it, dude. 1.00
00:47:42.000 If you do it, like, with a chick, it becomes sexual. 0.96
00:47:45.000 It becomes, like, a pedophile joke, which I don't want to do.
00:47:48.000 So it's hard to do the joke concept of a guy with a kid friend without making it a pedophile thing.
00:47:55.000 And for some reason, the kid being black kind of rescues that. 0.83
00:48:00.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:48:01.000 Because if he was doing anything that was against his will, he'd just beat you up or something. 1.00
00:48:05.000 He'd be like, fuck this. 1.00
00:48:06.000 I'm out of here. 0.99
00:48:09.000 Alright, here's my last idea, and I've talked about this one before.
00:48:12.000 And I would shoot this if I was allowed in the creative community.
00:48:16.000 And I probably told you about this before, so humor me if you've already heard it, but for a long time now, I've been wanting to do a sketch about a family band.
00:48:25.000 But instead of it being country or Christian rock, they are inspired by Prince.
00:48:31.000 And the mother and the father are intensely sexual towards each other, where the 16-year-old son, drummer, and the 14-year-old girl, keyboardist,
00:48:43.000 Don't enjoy it.
00:48:44.000 They don't enjoy being on this band. 0.98
00:48:46.000 They don't enjoy their outfits, where they have one sleeve on, one sleeve off, and short shorts, and pink leather pants, and a big hole where their butt is. 0.99
00:48:55.000 And the lyrics include the line, I like to licky licky when the dick gets sticky. 0.99
00:49:03.000 And then the mom has her bass and she's like slinking down super low to the crotch of the prince dad. 1.00
00:49:11.000 Should he be balding?
00:49:12.000 Is that too much?
00:49:13.000 No, that's fine.
00:49:15.000 That seems too much.
00:49:16.000 Or a notable wig.
00:49:18.000 Or Notable Wig.
00:49:19.000 Actually, Notable Wig are playing at Mercury Lounge. 0.83
00:49:21.000 Yeah, they're opening up for... Yeah, you know what I'm learning from this portion of the podcast?
00:49:25.000 To talk about how funny you are, and how it's a crime that you're not allowed to do sketches, and then you list all the funny things you could do, sort of makes it sound like you deserve to be banished from the funny community.
00:49:39.000 The bits are not good.
00:49:41.000 But trust me, if I had the script and I worked with my boys, Brian Gaynor and Chadwick Moore, you would be seeing intense, high-quality comedy.
00:49:52.000 Maybe we'll get back to that. 0.94
00:49:54.000 The problem with these sketches, though, is they cost a fucking fortune to do right. 0.93
00:50:00.000 Like, I know we talked about doing my 190-pound life and just doing a parody of 650-pound life, whatever. 0.98
00:50:06.000 My 600-pound life.
00:50:09.000 To get, like, say that Queen one. 0.99
00:50:13.000 I now have to get at least four women with big asses, right? 1.00
00:50:17.000 That's a Craigslist ad. 0.99
00:50:18.000 They need a hundred bucks a day.
00:50:20.000 Easy.
00:50:21.000 I need hair and makeup for them.
00:50:23.000 I need lighting.
00:50:23.000 I could probably get four women for a hundred bucks each.
00:50:28.000 Four hundred.
00:50:29.000 I could probably get a bone skeleton crew for a thousand bucks.
00:50:33.000 The lighting.
00:50:33.000 I mean, if I really chintzed and... No, you know what?
00:50:41.000 Everyone needs a laugh.
00:50:43.000 So even there, the sound is, I couldn't see spending less than two grand on sound.
00:50:48.000 You'd boom it.
00:50:49.000 So basically to comfortably do it, where it's awesome and everyone's relaxed, is 15 grand.
00:50:54.000 To bare, bare, bare bones, where people are kind of pissed off and you might not get it on time and people are in a bad mood, is like five grand.
00:51:03.000 Five grand for a two minute sketch? 0.99
00:51:06.000 I could just sit here and shoot the shit in my studio for free and it would be like 10% worse. 1.00
00:51:13.000 You get me? 0.99
00:51:15.000 I mean Crowder's got an infrastructure, but he's got a studio, a big massive film studio, and he just uses the people he works with as the people in the sketches.
00:51:26.000 So his engineer is playing like nine different roles in a thing.
00:51:31.000 All right, so I talked about Telegram.
00:51:36.000 We haven't talked about Archie Bunker because I haven't seen it yet.
00:51:41.000 I think we're out of time.
00:51:42.000 How are we doing for time?
00:51:43.000 51 minutes.
00:51:45.000 Yeah, that's a good amount of time for a podcast. 0.98
00:51:48.000 You know, one thing, I stopped doing BetDSI just because I'm kind of a bitch. 0.87
00:51:53.000 And the guy who sells ads for this podcast, I was being cunty to him. 0.76
00:51:57.000 And I realized I'm being everything I hate about people who do stuff. 0.98
00:52:04.000 Like the kind of guy who shits on the ad sales guy is the worst kind of person there is. 1.00
00:52:09.000 Because that guy is out there busting his ass. 1.00
00:52:12.000 He gets a tiny, not a tiny, but he gets a percentage of what he makes, but you get the vast majority of what he makes. 1.00
00:52:18.000 So he's running around trying to generate money for you and make your thing financially viable and you're like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00
00:52:26.000 It's like, well then, all right. 1.00
00:52:28.000 I'll read it later.
00:52:28.000 Why'd you sign up for this then?
00:52:30.000 Okay.
00:52:30.000 I guess I'll try to sell ads for someone else.
00:52:32.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00
00:52:33.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00
00:52:35.000 So I did one of my very rare apologies to him and I'd said, I don't, I'm not going to read any ads for a while. 1.00
00:52:41.000 I think it's gay. 1.00
00:52:41.000 Uh, I don't think it's gay. 1.00
00:52:44.000 I think it's an important part of any business.
00:52:46.000 Everyone does it.
00:52:47.000 Everyone advertises.
00:52:49.000 And I appreciate you, ad sales guy.
00:52:53.000 And we'll start maybe next one doing, and I understand it's not easy to sell ads for me because I'm a pariah.
00:52:59.000 I'm a hate figure.
00:53:01.000 So it can be bad for your brand.
00:53:04.000 So I'm happy to do guns, boner pills, betting.
00:53:08.000 Uh, what?
00:53:12.000 I gotta get the scripts and stuff.
00:53:14.000 Oh, okay. 0.99
00:53:14.000 But I had told him, like, don't bother sending me the scripts, bitch. 0.99
00:53:19.000 Really? 0.96
00:53:20.000 Basically, I was being, like, I was ignoring his calls and he's like, hey man, I'm trying to get this thing going. 1.00
00:53:24.000 Fuck off. 0.99
00:53:25.000 And I can't make you do anything, so I'm like, dude, I'll talk to him about it. 1.00
00:53:28.000 And you're like, no, fuck that. 0.99
00:53:30.000 Yeah, part of it too was I was listening to Howard Stern and they were talking about Don Imus and how he treated everyone he worked with like shit, but especially the salespeople. 1.00
00:53:39.000 And I kind of remember that about Vice. 0.96
00:53:41.000 That was my business plan at Vice.
00:53:43.000 I designed the office such that the editorial was in one side of the office and the advertising was in the other.
00:53:49.000 And they would narrate the two show meet, and we would always fuck with the advertising guys, and it was a way of me maintaining editorial integrity.
00:53:57.000 You know, I refused advertorials, which the Vice UK would do all the time, much to my chagrin. 0.99
00:54:03.000 But, uh... Yeah, I was such a dick to them, and it was just not... cool.
00:54:09.000 Like I remember one time, one of the sales guys was getting some sort of radio investment, iHeartRadio or something, and we were big on care jokes at the time. 0.89
00:54:21.000 Like, hey, my knee really hurts.
00:54:24.000 Oh, well, good news, my care is also totally broken.
00:54:29.000 Like, everything was I don't care put in a funny way.
00:54:32.000 And the guy was walking out, sales dude, and just sarcastically, because I was such a dick to the salespeople, he was walking out, and I went, oh, you guys headed out?
00:54:44.000 Okay, see you later, guys!
00:54:46.000 Rock on!
00:54:48.000 And he took it seriously.
00:54:51.000 Just like Nate Barsgate, 30 years later, going, oh, they're making fun of me.
00:54:56.000 What's his name?
00:54:57.000 Bargatze.
00:54:58.000 OK, whatever. 1.00
00:54:58.000 That's a stupid name. 1.00
00:55:04.000 So he's walking by and he goes, all right, you guys are out. 1.00
00:55:08.000 Catch you later.
00:55:08.000 Catch you on the flip side.
00:55:11.000 Shitty thing to say. 1.00
00:55:12.000 Fuck off. 1.00
00:55:12.000 The guy's trying to make money for you, Gavin. 1.00
00:55:14.000 He's trying to pay your rent, and you're making fun of him like a radio guy.
00:55:19.000 And the sales dude was kind of happy that the editorial was finally paying attention to him, so he went,
00:55:28.000 Hey! 0.99
00:55:30.000 And then he brings over his client and he goes, uh, this is the head of, I can't remember if it was iHeartRadio or something like that.
00:55:36.000 He goes, this is the head of iHeartRadio.
00:55:38.000 He runs most of the, well, he's sort of the liaison for most of the radio stations in New York.
00:55:44.000 And I went, oh, cool.
00:55:46.000 Hey, does he work with WCARE FM?
00:55:49.000 Because that's my favorite station.
00:55:52.000 And obviously I'm saying care, F-M, meaning I don't care. 0.95
00:55:58.000 And he goes, he didn't get the joke.
00:55:59.000 He's like, I don't know.
00:56:00.000 I don't think so.
00:56:01.000 But then he sensed that there was some sarcasm going on.
00:56:04.000 And he's sort of like, I'm going to get out of this before it loses me $500,000. 0.98
00:56:07.000 It's like my dad, he came to see me when all that shit was going down after I got fired. 0.95
00:56:15.000 And he just said, I'll come here and be your support, my boy. 0.98
00:56:20.000 Now you don't want a Scotsman coming down to support you when you're going through a rocky time.
00:56:25.000 That's insane.
00:56:26.000 That's like saying, Hey man, I just got a, my wife's thinking about divorcing me.
00:56:31.000 Would Motley Crue mind coming over and just showing my wife that I'm a reliable man that she, that will stand by her?
00:56:39.000 So he comes by.
00:56:41.000 Stop me if I've told you this before, but a local bar was showing American Ninja Kid Warrior.
00:56:47.000 So it's American Ninja for kids, right?
00:56:50.000 And the bar was packed with families watching it on the big screen, super loud, because a local girl was in it!
00:57:00.000 So they have all the right to be there, blare the TV, watch their daughter jumping, leaping over things.
00:57:06.000 You know Matt Iceman who does American Ninja?
00:57:09.000 I emailed him recently because I know him and I said, dude, I had a brilliant idea for a show.
00:57:14.000 It's American Dad Ninja where it's not that hard.
00:57:17.000 And it has guys like me, fat dads with dad bods, normcore. 0.99
00:57:22.000 Just like sort of jumping and getting on a thing and, oh shit, and falling off. 0.99
00:57:27.000 And he sent me back a picture of his foot, which was just destroyed with pins and, you know, steel shit in it to re-support his foot thing. 0.99
00:57:39.000 Like his foot looked like it had been shot with a cannon. 0.92
00:57:42.000 And he goes, this is what happened to me last time I tread the course.
00:57:44.000 And I go, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
00:57:47.000 You're a dad.
00:57:48.000 Let's make the American Ninja Dad and you can have a beer in your hand and it's not very hard.
00:57:53.000 Like you have to jump over a two foot hole.
00:57:55.000 Wouldn't that be hilarious?
00:57:57.000 Yeah.
00:57:58.000 And you, you, you sort of set it up such that there's still be like one winner.
00:58:02.000 It wouldn't be, we all win obviously.
00:58:05.000 Anyway, um, so they're all watching the thing and my dad comes in and he's like, 0.99
00:58:10.000 This is fucking pathetic. 0.99
00:58:13.000 He loves the word pathetic. 1.00
00:58:16.000 And I'm going, Dad, try to keep it down here. 0.99
00:58:17.000 And he goes, look at this. 0.99
00:58:19.000 I honestly think we're getting dumber. 1.00
00:58:22.000 We're getting stupider. 1.00
00:58:24.000 And he's sitting next to some old guy. 1.00
00:58:26.000 And he goes, can you believe this shite? 1.00
00:58:28.000 Watching fucking television. 1.00
00:58:30.000 What is this show? 1.00
00:58:31.000 The whole bar's... And I go, Dad, it's not just a... We're not watching, like, the Disney Channel for no reason.
00:58:37.000 There's a group here because the daughter's in the thing. 1.00
00:58:41.000 And he doesn't, his ears are blocked with shit. 1.00
00:58:45.000 He's got shit in his ears. 1.00
00:58:46.000 So he's just like, oh, fuck off. 1.00
00:58:49.000 Okay. 1.00
00:58:50.000 I'm trying to explain to you why you're wrong. 0.98
00:58:52.000 Dick lips. 0.99
00:58:53.000 And he's like, and then he just keeps looking over at everyone. 0.97
00:58:55.000 They're like, yay, she did it. 0.96
00:58:57.000 And he just looks at them and he's, and because he can't hear, he's audibly going pathetic. 1.00
00:59:04.000 Absolutely pathetic. 0.99
00:59:06.000 And he's pissed off because he doesn't like loud noises even though he's deaf. 1.00
00:59:10.000 And he doesn't want anything in a bar.
00:59:11.000 He comes from the 70s and 60s.
00:59:14.000 So he wants bars to just have no TVs, no music, which I understand.
00:59:18.000 But you're wrong here, dude.
00:59:20.000 And then we're at the park near my house, and there's a thing with people in affluent neighborhoods where dogs become a status symbol.
00:59:27.000 You see it in Soho, too, in America. 0.98
00:59:29.000 I'm sorry, in New York City, where someone will be walking around Soho with two, like, fucking Great Danes. 0.99
00:59:36.000 Albino Great Danes. 0.97
00:59:38.000 And what it means is I have a huge loft here in Soho that's worth 7 million dollars.
00:59:44.000 That's why I can have such big dogs. 1.00
00:59:46.000 You have shit. 1.00
00:59:47.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:59:47.000 I'm special. 1.00
00:59:49.000 It's like the Lamborghini of dogs.
00:59:52.000 And they do it in the burbs too. 1.00
00:59:55.000 Um, so this guy has these two matching, I don't know, stupid dogs. 1.00
01:00:02.000 And my dad hates dogs. 1.00
01:00:03.000 When he was a young man, he was on the bus in Glasgow, Scotland, and some dog fucked a woman's arm. 0.99
01:00:11.000 Just like that mouse showed that elephant who's boss. 0.99
01:00:15.000 And he watched the dog ejaculate onto the woman's arm.
01:00:19.000 And it was her dog, and she just wiped it off with a tissue. 0.86
01:00:23.000 My dad was probably 11 and he was so mortified that he's hated dogs ever since I think I think my Grandmother had puppies not out of her vagina But she had a dog that had puppies and his job was to take the puppies to the pound to have them put down and he got like two pounds to do it and I believe he threw the bag of puppies into the Clyde and
01:00:45.000 The river in Glasgow, and they just drowned, and then he kept the money. 0.88
01:00:49.000 That's how much he hates dogs.
01:00:51.000 My dog growls at him all the time, which I assume means he kicked it at some point when I wasn't around.
01:00:56.000 Because my dog doesn't growl at anyone.
01:01:00.000 So he's drunk, and it's when we were shooting, by the way, that Death the Cool, the movie of my book, he's in it.
01:01:07.000 He plays himself at the end of a scene, and it'll never see the light of day, unfortunately, thanks 20th Century Fox Digital.
01:01:16.000 By the way, when I throw that out there, I feel like there's going to be some person listening that has this incredible influence and is just going to, like, make the movie happen.
01:01:24.000 Right.
01:01:25.000 Oh, I had no idea.
01:01:25.000 I will contact 20th Century Fox tomorrow.
01:01:29.000 Thanks for letting me know.
01:01:30.000 Boom, it's released.
01:01:32.000 Because, you know, all these influential billionaires listen to the show and they make moves afterwards based on it.
01:01:38.000 It's the Wall Street Journal of Media, this show.
01:01:41.000 But he walks, he puts his hands behind his back.
01:01:45.000 You know, like if you're talking to a kid or something and you're being cordial?
01:01:49.000 You know that gesture?
01:01:50.000 If you see a Scotsman do it, it means violence and sarcasm.
01:01:54.000 So he's holding his wrist with his hands behind his back and he sort of saunters over to this guy with these two dogs that look like they're in a dog show.
01:02:03.000 They're white, matching, and they have long Farrah Fawcett white hair that's been beautifully combed and it's blowing in the wind like they're hot. 1.00
01:02:13.000 You almost want to fuck them. 1.00
01:02:14.000 They're like sexy dogs with flowing white feathered hair and they match. 1.00
01:02:20.000 And my dad wants to slit both their throats and he hates the man who owns them and he wants to beat up that man and start a fight in the park in front of my house. 0.98
01:02:30.000 So he walks over to the guy and he goes, What majestic beasts you have there, sir? 0.97
01:02:37.000 And me and my brother are going, Dad, let's go.
01:02:38.000 Let's go.
01:02:39.000 Come on, let's go. 0.98
01:02:39.000 Because I don't want to I don't want there to be a fight in front of my house. 0.98
01:02:43.000 And we can tell from his tone that he's about to get violent.
01:02:46.000 And the guy walks over, of course, he's not familiar with cantankerous Scotsman.
01:02:51.000 And he sort of walks towards my dad with the Farrah Fawcett dogs, the albino Farrah Fawcett dogs.
01:02:56.000 He goes, oh, thank you very much.
01:02:57.000 Yeah, this is Jennifer and this is Jen. 0.97
01:02:59.000 And yeah, we just had them washed, actually.
01:03:02.000 And he goes, oh, what an honor it must be to be in their presence.
01:03:10.000 And I'm like, Dad, we should get, let's go.
01:03:12.000 We need to get, we're late, Dad.
01:03:15.000 And then the guy starts sensing, just like that sales dude with the C-A-R-E-F-M, he just senses something's up and this can't be good.
01:03:25.000 And he starts kind of backing away.
01:03:28.000 Finally, his cave instincts kick in.
01:03:31.000 And I have to, now I've grabbed my dad by his $2 windbreaker and I'm pulling him away from the guy going, thank you very much.
01:03:38.000 Okay, see you later. 0.99
01:03:40.000 And then he goes, that's the problem with this fucking town! 1.00
01:03:43.000 People don't even get sarcasm! 1.00
01:03:46.000 Like, in his perfect world, the guy with the dogs would've went, fuck you, old man. 1.00
01:03:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:03:52.000 I see what you're doing there. 1.00
01:03:53.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00
01:03:54.000 You could never afford dogs. 1.00
01:03:55.000 Like, that's my dad.
01:03:56.000 It's ideal. 1.00
01:03:57.000 And he'd just go, you pick up their shit. 1.00
01:04:00.000 You're their fucking slave, you stupid piece of shit. 1.00
01:04:04.000 You should pick yourself up, because you're dog shit. 1.00
01:04:07.000 And then the guy would say, fuck you. 1.00
01:04:09.000 And they would become best friends. 1.00
01:04:11.000 They'd get in a fist fight.
01:04:12.000 And then he'd go, I appreciate you. 0.99
01:04:15.000 You got balls, man. 0.99
01:04:20.000 Alright, let's go. 0.99
01:04:21.000 I like you more than a friend.
01:04:22.000 I'll see you next time.