Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - FROM THE MAILBAG 3

00:00:14.000 I'm from New York!

00:00:33.000 My wife knew I was going to propose to her because on the way to the Eiffel Tower, I was playing air drums to this music, and I go, I was frantic.

00:00:43.000 And I go, you like that?

00:00:44.000 You like the air drums?

00:00:45.000 And she goes, sure.

00:00:47.000 And I go, you ready to see me play the air drums forever?

00:00:50.000 Oh, you gave it away?

00:00:52.000 That's when she knew something was up.

00:00:54.000 Then we went to the Eiffel Tower.

00:00:58.000 A ethnically ambiguous child, maybe six years old, a forecast of my daughter, runs up with a crumpled-up paper bag.

00:01:11.000 And she says, Madame, Madame, my wife goes, what? 0.95

00:01:16.000 J'emtique cards vous.

00:01:19.000 And she hands it to her and runs away. 0.97

00:01:22.000 And she has a crumpled up paper bag.

00:01:24.000 And my wife says, what did she say?

00:01:26.000 And I said, well, in French, she said, she has a little present for you.

00:01:32.000 So she uncrumples the bag, reaches in, there's a ring.

00:01:36.000 And she looks at me and I said, will you marry me?

00:01:39.000 I didn't get down on one knee.

00:01:40.000 I don't like that.

00:01:42.000 That sets a bad precedent.

00:01:43.000 I'm not your bitch. 1.00

00:01:44.000 You're my bitch. 1.00

00:01:45.000 Bitch? 1.00

00:01:46.000 Fucking whore. 1.00

00:01:47.000 You're my bitch, whore. 1.00

00:01:48.000 I said, will you marry me, whore? 1.00

00:01:52.000 Went in France.

00:01:53.000 I should have done that.

00:01:56.000 And we have a lot of history in Paris, especially at that location.

00:02:00.000 A couple years before we were there visiting, we have friends there, niggers in Paris. 1.00

00:02:06.000 And I said, I bet you can't do a cartwheel over that bench.

00:02:10.000 Like, run up to the bench, do a cartwheel where you put your ass, put your hands there, and then land on the other side of the bench, like, you know, going with it, not over the back, but parallel to it.

00:02:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:22.000 Yeah.

00:02:22.000 So it's just part of your role.

00:02:24.000 And she goes, that's, no, I'm not going to do that.

00:02:27.000 And then I said, pussy. 1.00

00:02:31.000 Come on, nah, dog.

00:02:34.000 And so I ran and did it.

00:02:36.000 But when you're doing a cartwheel, you only need about three feet for your hands.

00:02:43.000 A bench is more like five or six feet.

00:02:46.000 So I came down and I was still on the bench and I landed and I snapped my collarbone.

00:02:55.000 How are you doing, Gavin?

00:02:56.000 Gavin?

00:02:56.000 Not well.

00:02:57.000 Gavin broke his collarbone.

00:02:59.000 So we have to go to the hospital.

00:03:02.000 And the cab driver takes us to a hospital first.

00:03:07.000 And it's a fucking children's hospital.

00:03:11.000 So we get in there, we sit down.

00:03:12.000 I notice everyone's short and has small heads.

00:03:15.000 And I realize these are children.

00:03:17.000 And I speak French.

00:03:19.000 And they go, C'est pa le bon hopital, monsieur, c'est pour des enfants, y si.

00:03:25.000 Sau je cherche pour hopital pour des adoles croi.

00:03:29.000 And we go to another one and we're waiting there, waiting there.

00:03:32.000 And it's now it's like three in the morning and the booze is wearing off.

00:03:36.000 And we're like, this is going to be all night.

00:03:39.000 That's going to ruin our vacation.

00:03:41.000 So then I'm under the impression that my shoulder is just out of socket because I can feel there's something very painful and something's not right.

00:03:50.000 So I grab a doorknob and I go one, two, three in the emergency room and yank it.

00:03:57.000 And what I thought I would be doing is like popping my shoulder back into its spot.

00:04:01.000 But all I was doing was taking the broken collarbone and going beam, bomp, beam, bomp, doing nothing.

00:04:08.000 Making it worse, no?

00:04:10.000 Or just doing nothing?

00:04:10.000 Broken's broken.

00:04:12.000 You can't do anything with a collarbone.

00:04:13.000 Mine's misshapen now.

00:04:15.000 You want to hear something crazy?

00:04:16.000 Hell yeah.

00:04:17.000 I was at David Cross's house shortly after that.

00:04:20.000 We're now at like 2002.

00:04:22.000 And Sam Cedar was there.

00:04:25.000 Really?

00:04:25.000 Of all people, this is 20 years ago to the day.

00:04:29.000 It's the anniversary today.

00:04:31.000 And he was bragging to David about Air America, which Janine Garoflo was also a part of, and what a complete scam it is.

00:04:41.000 But he's at Air America.

00:04:43.000 So he was having a good laugh.

00:04:44.000 This is the liberal mindset, you know?

00:04:47.000 He was having a good laugh at how corrupt it is and the money is a pyramid scheme kind of a thing.

00:04:52.000 And the donors are getting ripped off and ha ha ha.

00:04:55.000 And it's awesome.

00:04:56.000 Like the way a criminal would brag about a bank heist.

00:05:00.000 And I'll never forget that because I remember thinking, I wasn't really that conservative at the time or even political, but 9-11 had just happened and I was starting to not like the left and their tolerance.

00:05:12.000 And I remember thinking, like, so instead of him, like, you'd imagine the normal reaction would be like, here, America's kind of a sinking ship, dude.

00:05:21.000 I'm really worried about it.

00:05:23.000 Some shady shit's going down.

00:05:24.000 I think it's all going to blow up in our faces soon.

00:05:26.000 That wasn't the attitude.

00:05:27.000 The attitude was like, ha, ha, ha, it's such a scam.

00:05:30.000 It's awesome.

00:05:32.000 Anyhow, he also, I told him my collarbone had just been broken.

00:05:38.000 And he said, well, prepare to know when a thunderstorm's coming for the rest of your life.

00:05:43.000 And I go, what?

00:05:44.000 And he goes, the humidity, the extra humidity in the air, you feel that.

00:05:48.000 And if you've ever broken your collarbone, you can feel it in your bones.

00:05:52.000 No.

00:05:54.000 That's not a thing.

00:05:56.000 You cannot sense humidity in the cracks in your bones, you fucking old wife. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Old wives' tail machine.

00:06:02.000 Anyway.

00:06:03.000 What's next?

00:06:04.000 If you meet a troll under a bridge, you say his name three times and he grants you a wish.

00:06:08.000 Yeah.

00:06:09.000 Come on, Sam.

00:06:10.000 Yeah, Sam.

00:06:12.000 So once a douche, always a douche.

00:06:14.000 Anyway, so we're in the hospital waiting room, and we were currently ruining the trip to Paris.

00:06:23.000 We were only there for a few days.

00:06:25.000 And so I said, watch this.

00:06:29.000 And then Just broke into a seizure.

00:06:33.000 Started flipping and flopping like a fish all over the emergency room.

00:06:37.000 So that whisks me to the top of the line in front of some kid who had his face blown off.

00:06:42.000 Just kidding.

00:06:43.000 And yeah, they do the x-ray.

00:06:45.000 They show me the x-ray.

00:06:46.000 You have a broken collarbone.

00:06:47.000 What can you do about it?

00:06:48.000 Nothing.

00:06:49.000 They go, some freaks will open it up and then wrap this rope around it that dissolves, this dissolving rope.

00:06:58.000 But does that really help?

00:07:00.000 You'll have a nicer collarbone if you do that, if we go in and set it.

00:07:03.000 But otherwise, you're just going to have a lump there forever because it's going to heal weird.

00:07:07.000 I was like, okay, bye.

00:07:08.000 I just didn't want to.

00:07:10.000 That's exactly what the x-ray looks like.

00:07:13.000 Is that mine?

00:07:14.000 Yes, I googled Kevin McInnes' collarbone.

00:07:17.000 Are you kidding?

00:07:17.000 No.

00:07:18.000 Yeah, I'm kidding.

00:07:19.000 Oh, there's eyes in there.

00:07:20.000 What the fuck?

00:07:22.000 Oh, that's the nucleus fraction.

00:07:24.000 It's not a big deal.

00:07:25.000 It's probably looking at the weather.

00:07:26.000 That's exactly...

00:07:27.000 Not that one, but the other one was exactly what the x-ray looked like.

00:07:31.000 Exactly.

00:07:32.000 It looks like a dick right there.

00:07:33.000 Was there a dick in your arm? 0.56

00:07:34.000 Yeah.

00:07:35.000 Yes, everybody's got an arm dick, Ryan.

00:07:38.000 It's perfectly normal.

00:07:40.000 The dick that you have here is just the only one that's protruding.

00:07:42.000 Right.

00:07:43.000 There's plenty.

00:07:43.000 Your body.

00:07:44.000 These guys have like seven dicks in their body.

00:07:45.000 Yeah, your ribcage, those are all dicks. 0.78

00:07:47.000 We have a letter coming up where someone's mad at me for mentioning dicks too much on the show.

00:07:52.000 As far as comedy goes, there's like penises, poo, gays. 1.00

00:07:56.000 Boogers. 1.00

00:07:57.000 I'm going to fight you or I'm going to kill you.

00:07:58.000 I mean, I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you. 0.99

00:08:00.000 Right.

00:08:01.000 That's about all we have with jokes.

00:08:02.000 That's why I was so worried when it became homophobic to make gay jokes because that's like 50% of my bits.

00:08:10.000 Anyhow, so that's our background with Paris.

00:08:14.000 So me proposing there was a very big deal.

00:08:17.000 And then we went out, we had a nice dinner and stuff, and she loved the ring.

00:08:21.000 It wasn't very fancy.

00:08:23.000 I got it at Zales, and I did a year payment plan.

00:08:27.000 I didn't have a ton of money back then.

00:08:28.000 And as long as you don't miss any of your payments, that's no interest.

00:08:32.000 That's what I always tell guys.

00:08:33.000 And I always say to dudes, don't get fancy.

00:08:37.000 Just a gold band with a diamond on it that looks like it's in a Disney cartoon.

00:08:42.000 No fucking rubies and zirconium and some intertwangled gold and silver going around and around.

00:08:48.000 Stop it.

00:08:49.000 They want the ring they thought about when they were a little kid watching cartoons.

00:08:53.000 All right.

00:08:54.000 So that's my proposal story.

00:08:56.000 One of the most beautiful in the world.

00:08:59.000 Let's hear Ryan's.

00:09:02.000 Picture, if you will.

00:09:05.000 We had a couple hours off.

00:09:07.000 Off.

00:09:08.000 Yesterday.

00:09:08.000 Where do you work on the chain gang?

00:09:10.000 Busy.

00:09:13.000 Busy day yesterday, but I took her to Burhamas, the Burhamas.

00:09:18.000 What are the Burhamas?

00:09:19.000 Is that near Barbados?

00:09:22.000 Little St. James.

00:09:23.000 It's off the coast.

00:09:25.000 And there was, we planned, I've spoken to a guy who talks to birds, which are the doves.

00:09:33.000 And so these doves, they're flying around.

00:09:36.000 The bird, which is the dove.

00:09:38.000 No, let's try the truth.

00:09:39.000 That's going to be much funnier than this stupid tangent.

00:09:42.000 Well, I brought her to Arby's?

00:09:45.000 Co-op City.

00:09:46.000 Actually, that's close because there's an Arby's not too far.

00:09:49.000 No joke.

00:09:51.000 I was kind of mad that they put that there.

00:09:54.000 And so I took her to my home city of Co-op City.

00:09:58.000 Just to be clear, folks, if you're not familiar with the Bronx, Co-op City is a zoo where they keep animals.

00:10:04.000 Not true.

00:10:05.000 It is people, third, fourth generation welfare.

00:10:07.000 It's Puerto Ricans sitting on their ass, waking up at 4 p.m., watching Netflix. 1.00

00:10:15.000 You will have a grandfather who never had a job, and then the mother never had a job, and the kids never had a job.

00:10:22.000 I mean, and everyone knows their great-grandfather in Co-op City because he's my age.

00:10:28.000 It doesn't say that.

00:10:29.000 You're a liar.

00:10:30.000 I didn't say that, but you did.

00:10:33.000 This is Co-op City in the Bronx.

00:10:34.000 I'll show you some footage behind you.

00:10:37.000 Well, it's...

00:10:38.000 Oh, it looks beautiful.

00:10:40.000 It's gorgeous.

00:10:41.000 There we go.

00:10:42.000 Well, that doesn't...

00:10:43.000 That looks great.

00:10:44.000 That's on the outskirts.

00:10:47.000 That's exactly where I took her, actually.

00:10:49.000 It's weird.

00:10:51.000 No, but it's full of nice parks.

00:10:54.000 I want to hear the narration.

00:10:55.000 What does he just keep saying?

00:10:57.000 So, this sucks.

00:10:59.000 This is a shithole.

00:11:01.000 Wait, why is the weather all shithole?

00:11:02.000 Oh, no, this is not.

00:11:03.000 I don't know how long it's going to be like this.

00:11:05.000 In the city, I mean.

00:11:07.000 I don't know how long it's going to be like this.

00:11:09.000 There's a chink proposing to some Bronx. 1.00

00:11:11.000 Until Puerto Ricans develop the DNA to have a work ethic, I think it's always going to seem. 1.00

00:11:16.000 We worked our way out of the Bronx.

00:11:18.000 Okay, they're dignified Puerto Ricans now.

00:11:20.000 No, your mom moved in with her parents.

00:11:23.000 That's not really working your way out of the Bronx sense.

00:11:25.000 Yeah, but the parents moved out.

00:11:27.000 She was a rock and roller, so she, you know, she's doing some rock and roll stuff.

00:11:33.000 So you're saying your grandparents worked their way out of the Bronx?

00:11:36.000 Correct.

00:11:36.000 And then your mother went to...

00:11:38.000 No, no.

00:11:39.000 She just stayed there.

00:11:41.000 She inherited the apartment.

00:11:42.000 It's hard to get an apartment in Co-op City, but if you get one passed down to you, then you got an apartment.

00:11:48.000 Let's hear this one of your brethren talking there.

00:11:51.000 I don't know who this Cuban man is.

00:11:53.000 Cuban?

00:11:54.000 I thought it was a Puerto Rican flag.

00:11:56.000 Let me see.

00:12:00.000 But wrong again!

00:12:02.000 Captain Wrong! 0.87

00:12:04.000 Let's just call it Cuban. 1.00

00:12:05.000 Okay.

00:12:09.000 See, why is it so human?

00:12:15.000 And I'm trying to remember when I visit here.

00:12:21.000 I'm not saying it's exactly this building, but the building kind of looks like this.

00:12:25.000 This side, you know, this shape.

00:12:27.000 So it could be either one of these buildings.

00:12:30.000 Honestly, I don't know.

00:12:32.000 These buildings are pretty similar.

00:12:34.000 So it's really confusing.

00:12:35.000 He sounds like a great tour guide.

00:12:37.000 Also, you're alone, sir, in the middle of nowhere, and you're narrating something.

00:12:41.000 So maybe take your mask off.

00:12:44.000 I can't fucking hear you, you tard. 1.00

00:12:48.000 Anyway, so you took her to this, which New York's going through a rough patch right now.

00:12:54.000 The South Bronx has always been worse than New York.

00:12:57.000 So the South Bronx is going through a very, very Bad patch.

00:13:01.000 So you took her to the worst part of the worst city in the world.

00:13:06.000 It's definitely the best part of the Bronx.

00:13:10.000 Is it in the South Bronx?

00:13:12.000 No.

00:13:12.000 Oh.

00:13:13.000 It's like the northernmost part of the Bronx.

00:13:15.000 Oh, okay.

00:13:16.000 So we got cops and firemen up.

00:13:17.000 I thought Co-op City was in the South.

00:13:19.000 No, no, no, no.

00:13:20.000 It's been nice.

00:13:21.000 It's been nice.

00:13:23.000 My great-grandfather, a Greek guy, would say it was always a nicer neighborhood before the Mavros moved in. 1.00

00:13:29.000 Navajos?

00:13:30.000 Mavros. 0.57

00:13:31.000 Now, if you translate Mauv, Mauv is, is that purple?

00:13:36.000 Oh, like Moulignon, the eggplants?

00:13:39.000 Yeah, but he's Greek, so Mavros. 0.91

00:13:41.000 Oh, okay.

00:13:42.000 Those who are of Mauv. 1.00

00:13:43.000 I will say, I like to bust your chops, but it does look kind of cool to have us a high-rise, it's not aesthetically cool, but as far as funness goes, to have all of those kids all hang out in the same park.

00:13:56.000 Oh, hell yeah, we do.

00:13:57.000 So you must have all kinds of games, soccer and baseball and wiffleball and tag and stuff.

00:14:01.000 Round and around.

00:14:02.000 You go near the marshes over there near the water.

00:14:05.000 It's built on a marsh.

00:14:06.000 And there's a lot of space between the buildings.

00:14:08.000 It's not a crowded city.

00:14:09.000 Tons of parks in between.

00:14:11.000 It's really nice.

00:14:12.000 That's how my dad grew up.

00:14:13.000 He was in a box of high-rises.

00:14:17.000 And they just play soccer.

00:14:18.000 I told you this before.

00:14:19.000 They play soccer in the main area.

00:14:21.000 And at 6 in the morning, it would be one-on-one soccer.

00:14:23.000 At noon, it was like 30-on-30, the team.

00:14:26.000 Damn.

00:14:27.000 And then by like 10 p.m., it would be back to one-on-one.

00:14:29.000 And it was the same game.

00:14:32.000 And you just yell, Hiram!

00:14:35.000 Connie Geza! 0.99

00:14:36.000 Jelly Piece!

00:14:38.000 What is that?

00:14:39.000 A jam sandwich, a jelly piece.

00:14:41.000 Oh, jelly piece.

00:14:42.000 So she'd make a jam sandwich, wrap it up in a page from today's newspaper, and throw it out the window.

00:14:47.000 And you'd see what window it came from, didn't know it's yours.

00:14:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:51.000 And they were attuned to their own son's voice.

00:14:53.000 So they'd hear, Ian Woah, Connie Giza Jelly Piece.

00:14:57.000 And they go, oh, Mawien's famished.

00:15:00.000 Pretty easy life for the mom, too.

00:15:02.000 Pretty awesome.

00:15:04.000 Like, we have to always have activities for our kids, try to get them away from screens.

00:15:08.000 Then you just push it out of your cunt, and then as soon as it learned to walk, it was bye. 0.99

00:15:14.000 Hobo Johnson was kicked out of his house at 19.

00:15:17.000 I was kicked out of my house at 19, and my girlfriend was only 17.

00:15:24.000 Sorry.

00:15:25.000 You cannot be kicked out of your house after 18.

00:15:30.000 So anyway, we're drawing this out.

00:15:33.000 So then what?

00:15:33.000 Where were you when you proposed?

00:15:36.000 In a nice little park.

00:15:37.000 I don't know if you could see it from this shot here, but a nice little greenway park.

00:15:42.000 Okay.

00:15:44.000 And then we had some delicious food.

00:15:47.000 Wait, stop.

00:15:48.000 So you said, we don't want the details.

00:15:52.000 I did the knee thing.

00:15:53.000 Okay.

00:15:53.000 And you had the ring?

00:15:54.000 Had the ring, yeah.

00:15:55.000 But she already had the ring.

00:15:57.000 I told her to put it back.

00:15:58.000 So she's been wearing the ring, you know, because it's like, how could you not want to wear it?

00:16:04.000 My ring situation kind of sucks.

00:16:05.000 Pregnancy, ring, proposal, marriage.

00:16:10.000 And then we're about to meet each other, I think, next week.

00:16:14.000 And then we're going to fuck, I think, maybe in a month.

00:16:16.000 And you did get divorced.

00:16:18.000 Yeah, we started off with the divorce.

00:16:19.000 You broke up right before she got pregnant.

00:16:21.000 We started off with the divorce, yeah.

00:16:23.000 Yeah.

00:16:25.000 So tell us about it.

00:16:27.000 So you're sitting there, because when you take a girl home and there's that first kiss, no matter how well things are going, it's always awkward to sort of go, ha ha ha ha.

00:16:37.000 Yeah, well, that's what they were doing then.

00:16:39.000 I mean, that's a lot of people were doing it back then.

00:16:41.000 And you change the energy kissing energy.

00:16:46.000 Right.

00:16:47.000 And sometimes she'll just sort of go like this.

00:16:50.000 Just because it's so gay. 1.00

00:16:52.000 Right.

00:16:53.000 That she just doesn't.

00:16:54.000 I don't want to kiss to be gay. 1.00

00:16:56.000 My MO after a while was just like, I'm going in for the first kiss before we meet.

00:17:01.000 Ooh.

00:17:01.000 So I'm like, you're so fucking hot.

00:17:03.000 Holy shit, blah, blah, blah.

00:17:04.000 And it's very clear we're not friends.

00:17:07.000 I want to get with you.

00:17:09.000 And then this is not a surprise.

00:17:13.000 It makes sense.

00:17:14.000 It's like, oh, I know, you old dog.

00:17:16.000 I knew you were going to hit on me at some point.

00:17:19.000 And then you're like, let me see your tits. 1.00

00:17:22.000 And you're just like, like an animal.

00:17:25.000 And then she's sort of like, let the dogs out.

00:17:27.000 Woof, woof, woof. 1.00

00:17:29.000 Unleash the hounds.

00:17:30.000 They're barking.

00:17:31.000 That's better than just like, I'm actually not a puppy.

00:17:34.000 I'm a wolf.

00:17:35.000 Yeah, that's, that's, I gave some advice to this guy who just took his, this girl on a, on a road trip.

00:17:41.000 Like, the chemistry was all good, and they tried to kiss her on top of the mountain.

00:17:44.000 I was like, I don't think you should have waited that long to expose like the wolfman horny guy.

00:17:48.000 Yeah.

00:17:48.000 You have to like let that in.

00:17:50.000 Like you had a whole road trip and I think he was playing like the soulmate thing.

00:17:53.000 It's like, that's a lot of pressure on a chick to be like, I want to be with you. 0.98

00:17:56.000 You don't have to go up and say, I would love to fuck you. 1.00

00:17:58.000 Right.

00:17:58.000 You just go up and you go, Jesus Christ, you're hot.

00:18:01.000 What?

00:18:02.000 Keep making sexual jokes.

00:18:03.000 What is that outfit? 0.71

00:18:04.000 Who are you?

00:18:06.000 Where did you come from?

00:18:09.000 A gay guy could say that.

00:18:11.000 So you're not really a total creep.

00:18:13.000 You're more just like observing beauty.

00:18:15.000 Like the worst thing you could be is like, oh my God, you're so fucking...

00:18:18.000 There's a difference between you are so fucking hot.

00:18:21.000 It's insane.

00:18:22.000 And you're so fucking hot.

00:18:24.000 Right.

00:18:27.000 I'm going to lick your pussy. 1.00

00:18:29.000 And then these fingers, too.

00:18:32.000 I want to finger you. 0.71

00:18:33.000 Just like this.

00:18:34.000 Finger.

00:18:35.000 Soccer.

00:18:36.000 I could smell it.

00:18:37.000 I want to smell it.

00:18:39.000 Can I smell your butt?

00:18:42.000 Can I put my finger in your ass crack and go like that? 1.00

00:18:44.000 And then just walk around?

00:18:46.000 I want to smell it.

00:18:49.000 I want to, the next day after I finger you, I want to smell it when I'm on the bus going to my therapist.

00:18:56.000 And then show it to my friends.

00:18:57.000 I want to, on my way to my probation officer and Yonkers, I want to smell my fingers.

00:19:03.000 And be like, ya.

00:19:05.000 That's how to get chicks. 1.00

00:19:06.000 Anyway, so tell us about the, ha ha ha, yeah, yeah, that was a fun day.

00:19:11.000 And then you get down on one knee?

00:19:13.000 You probably joked about it, right?

00:19:14.000 You're like, here we are, this is it.

00:19:17.000 No, it was just like kind of, it just, I'm sure that was there, like the, she saw it coming, and then you walk a little more, and then you kind of just forget it, and then you're off topic, and then you catch up.

00:19:30.000 By the time that you're in the walk, like the, you kind of forget that it's like a setup.

00:19:37.000 So whatever you're talking about, like the Mets comes to a close, there's a one beat, two beat, and then you stop walking.

00:19:47.000 Yeah.

00:19:47.000 So you were walking.

00:19:48.000 I think you do like a turnaround thing.

00:19:50.000 Well, don't say, what did you do?

00:19:52.000 Like, yeah, you're walking and then you.

00:19:55.000 Turn.

00:19:55.000 I was walking.

00:19:57.000 Well, this is what you do.

00:19:58.000 I'm telling people.

00:19:59.000 We don't want to hear what one does.

00:20:00.000 We want to hear what you did.

00:20:01.000 So I'm walking and then I turn and then I say a nice thing.

00:20:06.000 I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

00:20:09.000 You know, you're my best friend, blah, blah, blah.

00:20:12.000 Some other things.

00:20:14.000 And, you know, also, and then just kind of some other information that, like, you know, because we wanted an ideal wedding, you know, like a nice, you know, ceremony and everything like that.

00:20:27.000 But, you know, it's hard to pull that together during the COVID times.

00:20:31.000 Well, also, even when places are open, they're double booked.

00:20:34.000 Because they just opened.

00:20:35.000 Because they just opened.

00:20:36.000 So I would give up for a year.

00:20:39.000 Yeah.

00:20:39.000 You know what we want to do?

00:20:40.000 I think when our girl is two, have like a really good...

00:20:44.000 Put it off for like a year or two.

00:20:46.000 And then so that way she's our ring girl.

00:20:48.000 Or no, a flower girl.

00:20:50.000 No, that's gay and stupid. 1.00

00:20:51.000 That's what divorce people do. 1.00

00:20:54.000 You should consider like a winter wedding at the cloisters or something like that.

00:20:59.000 It's New York City.

00:21:00.000 It's not going to be freezing.

00:21:02.000 Winter.

00:21:02.000 Yeah.

00:21:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:04.000 Maybe.

00:21:05.000 I always pictured being very summer.

00:21:07.000 Do you know the cloisters?

00:21:08.000 Look that up.

00:21:09.000 Yeah, we passed by and she was telling me about there's a bunch of cool architecture and such.

00:21:13.000 I'll look it up.

00:21:15.000 Yeah, that'd be a pretty place.

00:21:17.000 And you only invite, like, well, you know, my rule with weddings is, would it be weird if I were to call you and say, hey, man, I'm going to be in your neighborhood.

00:21:30.000 Do you want to get a beer?

00:21:33.000 If the person on the other line would go, I guess, sure.

00:21:38.000 Don't put them on the wedding list.

00:21:40.000 That's one end of the spectrum.

00:21:42.000 Here's the other end of the spectrum.

00:21:43.000 This is how you know someone is a really close pal and should absolutely be there.

00:21:47.000 If you were to call them and say, hey, man, I need pants.

00:21:50.000 I'm going to go to J. Crew or something or Dick's, Carhartt, whatever.

00:21:55.000 I'm going to go buy some pants.

00:21:56.000 You want to come with me?

00:21:58.000 If the person is like, yeah, okay, then that person definitely should be there.

00:22:02.000 Like if you called me and said you wanted to go buy pants, do I want to come?

00:22:07.000 I would just hang up.

00:22:07.000 I wouldn't even respond.

00:22:10.000 So that's a really close pal.

00:22:12.000 At my wedding, I had interns from Vice.

00:22:16.000 We had like 300 people there.

00:22:19.000 It was fucking idiotic, and I hate them all.

00:22:22.000 I like maybe a tenth of the people who were there.

00:22:25.000 And even then, a lot of those people hate me.

00:22:29.000 Like Chromio.

00:22:30.000 Chromio played.

00:22:31.000 I don't want to be with anybody at all.

00:22:34.000 They probably hate me now.

00:22:36.000 That sucks because they rule because of the American divorce. 1.00

00:22:40.000 So I think you should do it.

00:22:42.000 You're not going to get September or the fall.

00:22:44.000 That's still going to be booked.

00:22:46.000 But, you know, early March, even late February?

00:22:51.000 That could be fun.

00:22:52.000 In Canada, everyone would die instantly.

00:22:55.000 Their eyelids would freeze shut.

00:22:57.000 But New York, I don't even wear a jacket in New York anytime.

00:23:01.000 Early March sounds about good.

00:23:04.000 You got to worry about rain there.

00:23:05.000 But anyway, so you do that, you propose.

00:23:08.000 Does she cry?

00:23:10.000 She cries.

00:23:11.000 You know what you should do then?

00:23:13.000 There's a little cry.

00:23:14.000 You should go, the normal thing to do then is to go, you're crying, you stupid bitch. 1.00

00:23:19.000 I kicked sand in her eyes if she did that. 1.00

00:23:21.000 That's what you do.

00:23:22.000 You know what I'm going to help?

00:23:22.000 What's this?

00:23:23.000 And then I kicked sand in her eyes. 1.00

00:23:25.000 She was like, and she laughed, I think.

00:23:27.000 I think that was a laugh.

00:23:29.000 Or you should say, ew, is that your ugly cry?

00:23:33.000 Can you do your hot cry?

00:23:34.000 Please tell me that's your ugly cry because, eh.

00:23:39.000 So then you do that, and then you go out and you have a nice dinner.

00:23:42.000 That's romantic.

00:23:43.000 Well, first, then she says no, and then...

00:23:45.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:23:47.000 That's no Paris, but it'll do.

00:23:49.000 Yeah.

00:23:50.000 I had high expectations for, you know, not that I've always been like, oh, I can't wait to get married sort of thing, like some sort of fucking Disney thing.

00:24:01.000 But I like that there's traditionalism to it, you know, and, you know, off to a kind of unorthodox start.

00:24:11.000 But I have to get a wedding band.

00:24:14.000 It's going to have to be a silicone one because I have to save up for like my gold band.

00:24:18.000 They're $200, dude.

00:24:21.000 What are you talking about?

00:24:21.000 Save up.

00:24:22.000 I wanted a 6mm.

00:24:24.000 We lose these all the time.

00:24:25.000 If we take them out to the gym.

00:24:26.000 Oh, fuck.

00:24:27.000 Yeah, I've lost this before.

00:24:29.000 I just bought a new one and got the same inscription.

00:24:31.000 Oh, okay.

00:24:32.000 It's not a diamond ring.

00:24:34.000 It's like $200.

00:24:35.000 This is garbage.

00:24:35.000 Is it 14 karat?

00:24:37.000 I don't know.

00:24:38.000 Who cares?

00:24:38.000 I think the price went up significantly since you got that one.

00:24:41.000 I'm looking at like $600, $700.

00:24:45.000 No.

00:24:45.000 I'm going to hold out.

00:24:47.000 That's a thin band?

00:24:48.000 I don't know.

00:24:49.000 It's a normal band.

00:24:50.000 It looks like, yeah, like a...

00:24:52.000 Don't get fancy.

00:24:53.000 That's gay. 1.00

00:24:54.000 I don't want fancy.

00:24:55.000 I don't want any stones in there.

00:24:56.000 I just want a thick band.

00:24:59.000 Duh.

00:25:00.000 No, you got to see.

00:25:01.000 There's some guys, Italians mostly, that have stones in their band. 1.00

00:25:05.000 How much is a gold wedding ring?

00:25:07.000 June 2021.

00:25:09.000 Is the Alexa set up?

00:25:12.000 No.

00:25:12.000 Oh, damn it.

00:25:13.000 It's not set up.

00:25:14.000 You didn't set it up.

00:25:15.000 You have the app to set it up.

00:25:17.000 I do not.

00:25:18.000 Actually, my app didn't update.

00:25:20.000 What the fuck?

00:25:23.000 We need the computer to start spying on us, damn it.

00:25:26.000 Yeah.

00:25:27.000 It could have prevented the insurrection.

00:25:32.000 Right.

00:25:34.000 To be clear, FBI, we had actually nothing to do with that.

00:25:39.000 Yeah, there's like $82.

00:25:42.000 $82?

00:25:43.000 What the fuck is that?

00:25:44.000 Yeah, but what is it, though?

00:25:45.000 Like, is it just...

00:25:47.000 It's from Walmart.

00:25:48.000 But is it...

00:25:49.000 So what?

00:25:50.000 It says $14k.

00:25:50.000 I don't mind if it's from Walmart.

00:25:52.000 Who cares where it's from?

00:25:53.000 There you go.

00:25:54.000 Is it coated?

00:25:54.000 Oh, that's for a woman.

00:25:56.000 That's real thin.

00:25:57.000 Yeah, that's too thin.

00:25:57.000 That looks queer.

00:26:00.000 You need a normal one that everyone in the world has.

00:26:02.000 Like this one right here?

00:26:04.000 This is too thick, but I'd like it like a rubber.

00:26:07.000 You look like a clown in that.

00:26:10.000 That looks so stupid.

00:26:12.000 This would be a good.

00:26:14.000 Yeah.

00:26:15.000 You can just have that banged out.

00:26:16.000 You go to a jeweler and they put it on the conical thing and they just bang it down and now it goes on a different finger.

00:26:22.000 Anyway, I'm done this micro mining.

00:26:25.000 This is a subway token.

00:26:26.000 Oh, shut up. 0.99

00:26:28.000 Okay, so I guess we're done here, right?

00:26:30.000 We got your whole story?

00:26:31.000 Yep.

00:26:32.000 Good.

00:26:35.000 Yeah, so no, we're not done.

00:26:37.000 So you get the list together.

00:26:38.000 It's between pants and beer as far as calling.

00:26:41.000 If the person would be remotely disturbed by that, this goes for your woman, too.

00:26:46.000 Obviously, moms and dads, but when you're getting down to cousins, like if they go who?

00:26:50.000 On the phone, no.

00:26:52.000 So I think you could probably, you're a recon though, so there's a lot of fucking relatives. 0.69

00:26:57.000 How many people were at the gender reveal? 0.99

00:27:00.000 Maybe like 40, 30, 40, something like that.

00:27:02.000 I'm bad at gauging anything, but.

00:27:04.000 And she has a bad relationship with her family, right?

00:27:07.000 No, it's great.

00:27:09.000 But they're probably, I don't know, they haven't met my parents yet.

00:27:13.000 Or my family yet.

00:27:14.000 I think her side, you could probably get down to 10. 0.99

00:27:16.000 It's just less Puerto Rico.

00:27:17.000 So now it's 40.

00:27:18.000 I was at a wedding recently where they didn't have big meals.

00:27:22.000 It was just snacks.

00:27:24.000 That saves you a ton of dough.

00:27:27.000 And then the liquor is a pain in the ass, but you could, I think because you're young, you could just throw it like, bring B-Y-O-B.

00:27:35.000 And now people are spending like $36.

00:27:38.000 And that saves you thousands, by the way.

00:27:41.000 True.

00:27:41.000 And you get your friends to bartend.

00:27:43.000 So really, I think the most expensive part would be renting the little area in the cloisters.

00:27:49.000 But it'll be cheap if it's at a weird time.

00:27:51.000 Yeah.

00:27:52.000 So we solved that problem.

00:27:54.000 This is a banked episode.

00:27:55.000 I'm away on holiday.

00:27:58.000 Totally parting my ass off, yo.

00:28:00.000 And I'm here to say that we're going to catch up on some mailbags.

00:28:07.000 Maddie's not here for this one. 0.87

00:28:09.000 I apologize.

00:28:10.000 So don't get your hopes up.

00:28:12.000 This show is going to suck.

00:28:13.000 It's already been sucking.

00:28:14.000 You've been hearing about some asshole's wedding that you don't care about.

00:28:18.000 Exactly.

00:28:19.000 So get your hopes even lower.

00:28:23.000 I guess we're not going to play the intro, right?

00:28:24.000 Yeah.

00:28:26.000 Now, I've screened these so they're interesting.

00:28:29.000 This one's a doozy from a guy also named Ryan.

00:28:34.000 And he starts it with a quote.

00:28:37.000 Oh, it's all one big quote from an article called Circumcision.

00:28:41.000 And it says, it was my idea to use fMRI and or PET scanning to directly observe the effects of circumcision on the infant brain.

00:28:51.000 And are you going to have your daughter circumcised? 1.00

00:28:53.000 I don't think that's how it works in the West.

00:28:58.000 I think you should, because women with full clits are sluts. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Well, yeah, that's true.

00:29:03.000 But you should have it at a Muslim hospital, even though there's no such thing. 1.00

00:29:08.000 Welcome.

00:29:09.000 Hey, anti-Semites, isn't it weird there's plenty of like Beth Israel in New York City and all these Israel Jewish hospitals, but there's no Muslim hospitals?

00:29:17.000 Hypothetic.

00:29:20.000 You should have her clit cut off. 1.00

00:29:21.000 And they can do it now.

00:29:22.000 Muslim doctors will do it with a scalpel. 1.00

00:29:23.000 They'll get all of it off.

00:29:24.000 Instead of the stone?

00:29:26.000 Yeah, and you will not have a slut for a daughter. 1.00

00:29:28.000 I'm more traditional.

00:29:28.000 I like the stone.

00:29:31.000 They just smash it off.

00:29:33.000 Oh, what a horrible joke.

00:29:34.000 That's a terrible joke.

00:29:36.000 Analysis of the MRI data indicated that the surgery subjected the infant to significant trauma.

00:29:41.000 The greatest changes occurred in the limbic system.

00:29:43.000 Ryan, click on the fucking link and don't show the letter that I'm already reading to people. 0.95

00:29:47.000 The link is open.

00:29:49.000 No?

00:29:50.000 Yeah, that's what you want to show.

00:29:53.000 The greatest changes occurred in the limbic system concentrating in the amygdala and in the frontal and temporal lobes.

00:30:00.000 A neurologist who saw the results postulated that the data indicated circumcision affected most intensely the portions of the victim's brain associated with reasoning, perception, and emotions.

00:30:10.000 Follow-up tests on the infant one day, one week, and one month after the surgery indicated that the child's brain never returned to its baseline configuration.

00:30:19.000 In other words, the evidence generated by this research indicated that the brain of the circumcised infant was permanently changed by the surgery. 0.62

00:30:27.000 Wow.

00:30:28.000 In a good way or a bad way?

00:30:31.000 Well, that's actually a great question because that's retarded and you're circumcised, so we can see how dumb it makes people. 1.00

00:30:38.000 I have nothing but foreskin.

00:30:42.000 I'm doing great.

00:30:43.000 Although, as I told you the other day, I only learned to use it like two years ago.

00:30:48.000 Yeah, it doesn't come with a manual.

00:30:50.000 I used to peel the foreskin back, probably because I was remembering the condom days.

00:30:55.000 And then sometimes you'd have to spit on your hand to lube it.

00:30:58.000 And now you're giving her a UTI because you just spat on her. 1.00

00:31:03.000 Now I go up to the dock with the foreskin forward.

00:31:07.000 So my foreskin is touching her labia. 0.99

00:31:10.000 And then I push.

00:31:12.000 Like an actual Trojan horse.

00:31:14.000 Like you sneak in the bad thing with the sort of exterior.

00:31:18.000 That's not the best analogy.

00:31:20.000 And you can even do it in the butt.

00:31:22.000 You don't need loop.

00:31:24.000 It goes anywhere.

00:31:26.000 And that was God's design.

00:31:29.000 Handy, huh?

00:31:30.000 And zero UTIs since I started doing this.

00:31:34.000 Zero.

00:31:38.000 An accurate meme.

00:31:40.000 This gentleman is mocking the FBI.

00:31:43.000 Okay, so now we're jumping up to the top.

00:31:46.000 Well, that went to my top because I had responded to him in my stupid email.

00:31:51.000 When you respond, it puts it at the top, which I hate.

00:31:55.000 FBI creating white supremacists for themselves.

00:31:58.000 Yep, and there's no better example than the governor.

00:32:02.000 Sorry, the fake kidnapping of the governor, where nine people were involved in this.

00:32:07.000 Six of them were feds.

00:32:08.000 So two feds for every entrapped, innocent person, where you have some frustrated patriots bummed out.

00:32:15.000 Oh, by the way, patriot has been flagged as a problematic word that is probably linked to racism.

00:32:22.000 Patriot.

00:32:25.000 And they're bitching about the election, and these feds get on there and they go, we should do something about it, man.

00:32:30.000 Don't be all talk.

00:32:31.000 Fucking let's kidnap the governor. 1.00

00:32:33.000 And out of all the saps they spoke to, three of them went, Yeah, maybe we should.

00:32:38.000 You know what?

00:32:38.000 You're right.

00:32:39.000 Ah, you're going to jail.

00:32:40.000 And then they get the numbers, and now they've stopped kidnapping.

00:32:43.000 And now their data says domestic terrorism, white supremacy is the number one threat.

00:32:50.000 Fucking clown world.

00:32:52.000 And you know, we hear about bigots in New York and racism.

00:32:55.000 And I know all the guys that the left thinks are the racists, the sort of wise guys, the tough guys at the gym, the South Brooklyn types.

00:33:04.000 You know what they talk about?

00:33:06.000 They talk about the election.

00:33:08.000 They say there's going to be another wave of COVID that's going to enforce mail-in ballots so they can cheat again.

00:33:16.000 They talk about that governor thing a lot.

00:33:20.000 These so-called racist rednecks don't talk about black people. 0.90

00:33:24.000 They live in their own little segregated community.

00:33:26.000 Blacks and whites live separately in New York.

00:33:29.000 So it doesn't come up that much.

00:33:31.000 They're worried about the government.

00:33:33.000 They're worried about totalitarianism and the lack of freedom in this country.

00:33:40.000 Gavo and Ryan check out Sly's Daughters.

00:33:44.000 You know, on Kyle Dunnegan's show with Sly Stone, he goes, I was looking up my name the other day, and it's Sylvester.

00:33:53.000 And I thought, why am I called Sly?

00:33:55.000 It should be Syl. 1.00

00:33:58.000 He also had a great episode recently where he's talking about the dude, Jeffrey Toobin, who got caught beating off at the Zoom call.

00:34:06.000 And he's like, what about his first time after that doing it again?

00:34:13.000 Like his first beat-off after it destroyed his entire life?

00:34:17.000 He's sort of like, you're the one who got me into this mess.

00:34:22.000 So it must be kind of like, bastard.

00:34:26.000 This old thing.

00:34:28.000 This old curse.

00:34:30.000 I figured out what happened, by the way.

00:34:32.000 He's watching the Zoom call.

00:34:34.000 It's these ugly, stupid, boring dykes. 1.00

00:34:37.000 And people have shown who he was having the call with, and they're all hideous monster, bulldyked, lesbian pieces of human shit. 1.00

00:34:46.000 And you know they were talking about Trump and racism and other things that are irrelevant today.

00:34:53.000 And so because he was bored, on silent, he put on Red Tube or Uporn or something and was just like randomly, that's fake, randomly looking at shit that just to amuse himself,

00:35:11.000 like chubby, Asian, girls wrestling, whatever. 0.96

00:35:16.000 I'm giving away my links or angry Jew. 1.00

00:35:20.000 Or knowing him, he was probably like stepdaughter stuff.

00:35:24.000 But then he got a boner.

00:35:26.000 And then it was like throbbing.

00:35:31.000 And when they finally done, he finally was able to catch up on the wank.

00:35:37.000 Wait, that's fake.

00:35:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:39.000 He's not that spelt.

00:35:42.000 But see if you could find the women that he was on with. 0.99

00:35:45.000 Anyway, sorry, maybe that's not so important.

00:35:48.000 Check out Sly's daughters.

00:35:49.000 What the fuck is in his cock that makes him make these hotties? 0.94

00:35:52.000 I don't know.

00:35:53.000 This is a weird prejudice I have, but when I see a guy with all daughters, I think that he's not good at fucking and he has a small dick.

00:36:02.000 That's a terrible thing to think, but I think you think it too.

00:36:06.000 His youngest is 19, which is a little young for me, but what the hell?

00:36:10.000 Can't a boy dream?

00:36:11.000 Keep on, keeping on.

00:36:13.000 All right, so let's get down to rating.

00:36:15.000 They are incredibly fucking hot.

00:36:18.000 The top one there, is that his wife? 0.96

00:36:20.000 Yeah.

00:36:21.000 She's the best-looking one out of all of them, I think. 0.60

00:36:23.000 Yeah, she's... 0.99

00:36:25.000 I mean, am I enrich for throwing out a nine? 1.00

00:36:31.000 I feel like Flava Flav after he got his first paycheck.

00:36:34.000 But I think she's a nine. 0.99

00:36:36.000 Eight feels cruel.

00:36:40.000 That's how you judge it, right?

00:36:41.000 We're doing nine.

00:36:42.000 I'll go down to 8.7 if I haven't had lunch yet and I'm in a bad mood.

00:36:47.000 But I'm only going down 0.3 from a 9.

00:36:50.000 Now we have the one closest to Sly.

00:36:52.000 What do you give her, Ryan?

00:36:54.000 The mom?

00:36:54.000 Yeah.

00:36:55.000 She's up there, man.

00:36:56.000 I'd say like 8.8.

00:37:00.000 Yeah.

00:37:00.000 We're agreed on that.

00:37:01.000 The one closest to Sly.

00:37:06.000 She's like lower 8s, but still 8s. 0.99

00:37:07.000 She's very standard.

00:37:11.000 What did Oscar Wilde say?

00:37:12.000 Pretty is pretty, but only ugly can be beautiful? 0.99

00:37:15.000 Not going to lie, that's a high tit, too.

00:37:16.000 That's a real high tit.

00:37:19.000 It's a fairly high tit.

00:37:20.000 Looks like it could be a somewhat flat tit.

00:37:22.000 Kind of a pancake.

00:37:23.000 Could be a pancake.

00:37:24.000 Yeah.

00:37:26.000 But we're not going to get into that.

00:37:27.000 There's not enough tit information to make a call.

00:37:32.000 So I'm just going to go with...

00:37:34.000 Anything in the sevens feels cruel and wrong.

00:37:36.000 Eights is definitely the zone.

00:37:37.000 I'm going to go with 8.1.

00:37:38.000 8.1 is solid.

00:37:40.000 Now, the one in the middle has that special something.

00:37:43.000 Yeah, she's got the smokiness. 1.00

00:37:45.000 She's got something going.

00:37:46.000 That Mila Kunis, like, supermodel thing.

00:37:48.000 That beauty mark's doing a lot for her.

00:37:50.000 It's great.

00:37:51.000 It's not quiet for her at all.

00:37:52.000 Homeboy's going to get it.

00:37:53.000 It's pretty loud.

00:37:58.000 I think it's an 8.8.

00:38:01.000 The mom is...

00:38:02.000 She's right there with mom, yeah.

00:38:03.000 She's right up there with mom, but mom has something that looks weird.

00:38:07.000 She's much more of a standard beauty, and you only get up into the nines if there's something weird about you. 0.83

00:38:12.000 Now, so you think I'm going to be throwing nines at this one?

00:38:15.000 Sorry, a little too weird.

00:38:16.000 She looks like a ferret. 0.88

00:38:18.000 Oh, the one all the way to the right?

00:38:19.000 Yeah.

00:38:20.000 Oh, no, yeah, no.

00:38:20.000 She's like 7.8.

00:38:25.000 That seems a little bit.

00:38:26.000 She looks too young.

00:38:27.000 She's not cooked yet.

00:38:28.000 Yeah, she's not cooked.

00:38:29.000 She looks...

00:38:30.000 It's quiet.

00:38:31.000 It's a little quiet for her.

00:38:32.000 I'm going to go down to 7.4.

00:38:34.000 But she looks like a fucking third-grade hooker. 1.00

00:38:37.000 No, that's not true.

00:38:38.000 That's not true, McDonald.

00:38:39.000 Jesus.

00:38:41.000 Let's see another picture.

00:38:44.000 Because they're changing ages, you know?

00:38:46.000 Like, do that one.

00:38:47.000 Oh, she's very Trump daughter-esque, this one.

00:38:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:50.000 But go back.

00:38:52.000 Do that one right in the middle. 0.95

00:38:54.000 Yeah.

00:38:55.000 This one?

00:38:56.000 Because Ferret face is getting better.

00:38:59.000 She's becoming Interesting.

00:39:01.000 Like, this is.

00:39:02.000 I'm going to go up to, she's kind of masculine, but I might start talking to 7.5s, 7.4s.

00:39:09.000 And then the one in the middle, I mean, that's just a supermodel. 1.00

00:39:12.000 That's boring.

00:39:13.000 It's boring.

00:39:14.000 It's an 8.8, but like, I'm going to forget what she looks like as soon as you click away.

00:39:19.000 The one on the right, I'm almost not into at all.

00:39:21.000 I can't see because of the camera.

00:39:22.000 Can you scooch her? 1.00

00:39:23.000 Almost.

00:39:24.000 I mean, she's also a very, very beautiful lady, but, you know?

00:39:30.000 I'm not stunned.

00:39:32.000 Yeah.

00:39:33.000 So I'm going to give her like an 8.7, whatever, but I'm falling asleep.

00:39:37.000 If you saw her in Vegas, like at the pool, even if she had a perfect body, I don't think you'd be stunned.

00:39:43.000 You'd just be like, oh, there's a model who does modeling. 0.99

00:39:45.000 If she had like a cool walk like this, though, if she walked like this, that might be pretty cool. 0.67

00:39:53.000 But otherwise, it'd be so boring.

00:39:55.000 No, with that kind of girl, you want something to go wrong, like you want cross eyes or a gap in her teeth or something, or maybe even missing an arm to give it some spice. 1.00

00:40:03.000 See, those are all things we can manage.

00:40:04.000 I can manage it.

00:40:05.000 I think Ferrethead is going to end up being the most interesting one.

00:40:07.000 I can picture in my head right now, Ferret Face.

00:40:11.000 I've already forgotten her.

00:40:12.000 I forgot her the second you clicked away.

00:40:14.000 Okay, go back.

00:40:17.000 Leave us. 0.54

00:40:18.000 Let's just see a totally different one because we're obviously seeing them throughout the years.

00:40:23.000 Okay, I've had enough of the green dress.

00:40:24.000 We know that year.

00:40:26.000 Let's try him with the suit here.

00:40:28.000 What's this now?

00:40:28.000 This one?

00:40:33.000 Whoa.

00:40:33.000 The mom is...

00:40:35.000 The mom just lost.

00:40:36.000 No.

00:40:37.000 Oh, my God, dude.

00:40:38.000 The mom just plummeted down to the sixes. 1.00

00:40:40.000 She's an old bag.

00:40:42.000 Let's see her again.

00:40:44.000 God, what kind of fucking filters were in that first shot?

00:40:46.000 Move her way over. 1.00

00:40:47.000 She's behind the camera.

00:40:48.000 Oh, my lord.

00:40:49.000 She's ancient Chinese secret. 0.99

00:40:52.000 She's a six.

00:40:55.000 Maybe even a 5.7.

00:40:58.000 So the mom's fired. 1.00

00:41:00.000 Goodbye.

00:41:01.000 Ferret face is coming into her own there.

00:41:04.000 And then the other two.

00:41:07.000 Oh, the one closest to Sly is less boring in that one.

00:41:11.000 That's because she's got like these dough eyes. 1.00

00:41:13.000 She's getting something going.

00:41:14.000 Kind of a strong chin, but puffy lips.

00:41:16.000 The one in the middle is the blonde is way too attractive. 1.00

00:41:19.000 She just looks like a handsome man now.

00:41:21.000 She's got that Ashley St. Clair curse. 1.00

00:41:23.000 She kind of looks like Kevin James.

00:41:24.000 Where she's just on it.

00:41:25.000 She looks like a drawing.

00:41:26.000 Unattainable.

00:41:27.000 Does Slystone have a Hitler mustache?

00:41:30.000 Yeah, just not a big fan of Jews.

00:41:34.000 Erasing the Juden von Struten.

00:41:36.000 You know, six million wasn't enough.

00:41:39.000 I'm in Hollywood.

00:41:40.000 I deal with these mother matzerkrists every day. 1.00

00:41:43.000 Matzer Christ.

00:41:44.000 That pocket score is loud.

00:41:46.000 Yeah, it's quiet for that.

00:41:48.000 It's quiet for it's loud.

00:41:49.000 It's quiet because it's loud.

00:41:51.000 Go to the Kyle Dunigan thing again.

00:41:55.000 Let's see.

00:42:00.000 We're time for a yo.

00:42:03.000 Outside of all the censored shows, I will stray from this network when it's Tucker Carlson, obviously, Anthony Cumia.

00:42:12.000 And I can have time for a yo.

00:42:16.000 My Stelonians.

00:42:18.000 I could have that on.

00:42:19.000 What's great about all these podcasts and these video shows now is vidcasts is if you've got a shitty task, like the dishes or repairing a cupboard door or something like that, you put this on and it's no problem.

00:42:34.000 I could have like, you ever have a bear go through your garbage if you live in the country?

00:42:37.000 It's the worst job ever because they spread the garbage around and you can't shovel it up.

00:42:41.000 So you have to pick up each individual piece of garbage and put it back in a bag.

00:42:45.000 It takes like an hour and a half, especially when your kids have diapers everywhere.

00:42:49.000 I did this a long time ago.

00:42:50.000 And I put on one of these and it's just like, this is fun now.

00:42:53.000 I'm doing something interesting while I let's hear him.

00:42:57.000 And my good friend Kirp, who lives in my converted garage.

00:43:01.000 And now it's time for at home with Slice Dialogue. 0.93

00:43:05.000 You know?

00:43:07.000 Mr. Lois.

00:43:09.000 Mr. Ladies, what's happening?

00:43:12.000 Kirp is not here yet.

00:43:13.000 I think he's wearing football equipment.

00:43:16.000 But I worked all day.

00:43:18.000 He can't even be on time.

00:43:20.000 So you guys give him hell in the comments, please.

00:43:24.000 Very angry about this.

00:43:26.000 You know?

00:43:28.000 I'm exhausted.

00:43:29.000 My doctor said, yo, stop this show.

00:43:34.000 Don't do it.

00:43:35.000 And I said, you ain't stopped nothing.

00:43:38.000 You know?

00:43:39.000 I gotta be with my Scalonians tonight.

00:43:41.000 Michaels, folks.

00:43:44.000 Is what I said.

00:43:45.000 Oh, here's Kirp.

00:43:46.000 I am gonna yell at him.

00:43:49.000 Well, well, well.

00:43:50.000 Look who decided to show up.

00:43:52.000 It's Kirp.

00:43:53.000 You said 7.15.

00:43:55.000 7.00.

00:43:56.000 We start at 7 p.m. sharp.

00:43:59.000 Well, I remember.

00:43:59.000 That's what the Scalonians expect.

00:44:02.000 You should see the comments, Kirp.

00:44:04.000 Everyone's calling you a jackass.

00:44:06.000 I swear you told me 7.15.

00:44:08.000 That's what you said.

00:44:09.000 Look at this bad Kirp.

00:44:11.000 Unprofessional Kirp.

00:44:14.000 Keep it to him.

00:44:15.000 See what's happening?

00:44:16.000 Time is flying by.

00:44:17.000 Like, oops, we're doing a show.

00:44:19.000 Oh, wait.

00:44:20.000 Oops?

00:44:23.000 Everything about him.

00:44:24.000 Like, Kurt Metzger is a very, very funny guy, and he's a great writer.

00:44:29.000 Everything funny you saw on the Amy Schumer show was him, and he writes a lot of that.

00:44:33.000 But when I see him, and I don't mean to disrespect Kurt, does he have the actual sprinkles?

00:44:39.000 I already have the sprinkles.

00:44:41.000 Kyle Dunnegan is hiding behind a fucking CGI face, and every cock of his eyebrow, every mumble out of his mouth gives me the giggles.

00:44:53.000 I'm telling you, it's like there's one every 10 years.

00:44:56.000 Like John Belushi in Animal House.

00:44:58.000 He just goes like this.

00:45:00.000 The whole cafeteria scene in Animal House.

00:45:03.000 He's just reaching for an apple.

00:45:04.000 How is that funny?

00:45:06.000 I don't know.

00:45:07.000 It's magical sprinkles.

00:45:13.000 Artie Lang was...

00:45:15.000 I was watching Mad TV, which is on HBO Max now.

00:45:18.000 And it's really like, I mean, lowbrow, but it's fun to look back at that.

00:45:23.000 But Artie Lang was absolutely...

00:45:25.000 They were trying to go for like, we need a new Belushi.

00:45:28.000 He could have been.

00:45:29.000 Yeah.

00:45:30.000 Maybe that's why he became a drug addict because he couldn't take the pressure.

00:45:33.000 There was an update on him.

00:45:34.000 Oh, he got a nose, I heard.

00:45:36.000 I did hear about the nose from you on Anthony's show, I think, right?

00:45:40.000 But they found out where he's been for these months.

00:45:45.000 And didn't you guys get to the bottom of that where he was taking care of his mom?

00:45:49.000 Let's see here.

00:45:51.000 Where did Artie Lang go when he disappeared in mid-battle for sobriety?

00:45:54.000 I know where he went.

00:45:55.000 He was in his shitty, disgusting apartment in Jersey where his side table was an broken air conditioner and he had a line of heroin, line of Coke, line of heroin.

00:46:03.000 Then he'd go to rehab.

00:46:04.000 Then he would get, he would be busted out of rehab and violate his probation.

00:46:10.000 The guy was a fucking absolute mess.

00:46:13.000 One of the funniest people in the world.

00:46:16.000 Definitely sprinkles material.

00:46:18.000 And what I always thought about, what I was impressed about Artie is he's so fucking fast.

00:46:23.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 But I mean, he couldn't have worked harder to sabotage his career.

00:46:28.000 And it scares me because my kids are the same genetic makeup.

00:46:31.000 25% Indian, 75% European.

00:46:38.000 So let's see his nose.

00:46:40.000 Apparently he's been sober.

00:46:41.000 Wait, is that his new nose?

00:46:46.000 I'm not sick and not using.

00:46:47.000 I'd be in jail if I was.

00:46:52.000 I'm not sick and I'm not using.

00:46:54.000 I'd be in jail if I was.

00:46:55.000 Just have crazy anxiety and I'm fighting it hard.

00:46:57.000 In the past, I would have just done drugs and gone to work or canceled last minute, but I won't do that now.

00:47:01.000 Instead, I cleared my schedule.

00:47:04.000 Really?

00:47:05.000 I'll be back soon, though.

00:47:06.000 Peace.

00:47:06.000 That was 2020.

00:47:08.000 Lank spent near two months in prison in 2019.

00:47:12.000 So where's he been?

00:47:13.000 Go back up.

00:47:14.000 He looks like my buddy Robbie Dylan in that picture, who is a boxer.

00:47:19.000 Sorry, Rob.

00:47:21.000 Yeah, that's an insult to both of us.

00:47:23.000 Keep going.

00:47:25.000 There's back in his nose days.

00:47:28.000 God, imagine doing so much Coke.

00:47:29.000 You had no nose.

00:47:31.000 I want to see his new nose.

00:47:33.000 Yeah.

00:47:34.000 Oh, he's morphed.

00:47:36.000 He's been like seven different guys.

00:47:37.000 Dude, when he is at Mad TV, he looks not like any of the Artie Langs we know.

00:47:42.000 So look up Artie Lang new nose.

00:47:45.000 I want to see the nose.

00:47:47.000 It always knows.

00:47:50.000 Oh, me, the nose.

00:47:51.000 It was always the elephant in the room when I'd hang out with him.

00:47:53.000 Let's see.

00:47:54.000 Is this new?

00:47:56.000 Artie Lang nose, quote unquote, fixed via photo app.

00:47:59.000 Oh, okay.

00:48:00.000 That's a phony bowl.

00:48:02.000 Ooh, that one was bad.

00:48:04.000 That looks like not human.

00:48:06.000 Yeah, that's like the Star Wars bar.

00:48:12.000 What a great guy.

00:48:15.000 Fuck.

00:48:16.000 As fucked up as he was every time he'd see me at combat, remembered my name. 0.98

00:48:19.000 Hey, Ryan, how you doing, man?

00:48:21.000 Just such a nice dude.

00:48:22.000 He's a great high-quality guy.

00:48:24.000 And he's not a dad, so all his abuse was self-inflicted.

00:48:28.000 He never fucked anyone over.

00:48:30.000 I mean, he canceled on a few people, but you know, it's when it's a dad and they've ruined some kid's life.

00:48:35.000 No, I don't think he has a new nose.

00:48:37.000 No.

00:48:37.000 Where'd you hear that from?

00:48:39.000 I can't remember.

00:48:40.000 I know he was holding off as some sort of punishment to himself.

00:48:44.000 Oh, really?

00:48:44.000 Like, I'm not going to get you a new nose and then have you blow it.

00:48:49.000 Yeah.

00:48:50.000 Show the scene.

00:48:54.000 What scene?

00:48:56.000 John Belushi getting the food at the cafeteria.

00:48:59.000 I think it's Don't Know Much About the Don't Know Much About History.

00:49:05.000 About the French I took Bluto.

00:49:08.000 The soundtrack for that fucking movie is so genius, too.

00:49:12.000 The first time comedy used classical music.

00:49:19.000 This is just a person accruing more food than he should have.

00:49:27.000 This is someone having extra food.

00:49:31.000 And it's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

00:49:33.000 On the page on the script, it just says, man, just pick up food.

00:49:37.000 But then make it funny and bring it to life.

00:49:38.000 Extra food.

00:49:39.000 This is a man getting extra food.

00:49:41.000 This is a man eating jello quickly.

00:49:46.000 Boy, they had good quality cafeterias back then, didn't they?

00:49:50.000 Yeah, I don't know what that jiggly thing was.

00:49:56.000 See, I'm laughing.

00:49:57.000 He's eating a hamburger fast.

00:49:59.000 I don't laugh at Coney Island when they do the hot dog eating contest.

00:50:06.000 Look at that walk.

00:50:13.000 I do hope we're not interrupting anything main to honest.

00:50:17.000 You must know.

00:50:18.000 Eric was just leaving.

00:50:19.000 No, I wasn't.

00:50:20.000 I could make you leave if you asked me.

00:50:22.000 Ludo!

00:50:24.000 Hey! 0.99

00:50:24.000 I think you know everybody here. 0.99

00:50:26.000 They tell you Chevy Chase was supposed to be his character?

00:50:28.000 What was his name again?

00:50:29.000 Oh, really?

00:50:29.000 Gopher?

00:50:30.000 When I went to college, I was ready for this.

00:50:32.000 Oh, that sucks.

00:50:33.000 And I was living in a punk house, and we basically did have Animal House.

00:50:39.000 And I was like, let's bring it to college.

00:50:40.000 Let's fuck with all these nerds. 0.98

00:50:41.000 It's going to be awesome.

00:50:42.000 Then I get there.

00:50:44.000 It's all nerds.

00:50:46.000 Most of them still lived with their parents.

00:50:49.000 No one was fun at Carleton University in Ottawa.

00:50:52.000 Nor were they when I transferred to Concordia University in Montreal.

00:50:56.000 Nerdsville.

00:50:58.000 Did this ever exist?

00:51:00.000 Well, actually, the writing for Animal House was a compilation of Harold Ramos and everyone got together and they amalgamated their craziest college stories with the craziest stories they've ever heard.

00:51:13.000 So what you're seeing in Animal House is like 20 people telling the craziest stories of 20 years.

00:51:20.000 So no, I guess is the short answer.

00:51:22.000 Damn.

00:51:27.000 Let's see.

00:51:28.000 Put pus, something that's like pus, and then it pops. 0.99

00:51:32.000 Would that be a zip?

00:51:35.000 I'm a zip.

00:51:37.000 Get it?

00:51:38.000 All right, you bastard.

00:51:39.000 Let's go right here.

00:51:51.000 Alright, let's get back to the letters.

00:51:53.000 You know, his brother tried to recreate the dog pile?

00:51:56.000 I mean, the food fight thing?

00:51:57.000 Right here?

00:51:58.000 John Belushi?

00:51:59.000 Yeah, his brother.

00:52:01.000 With this.

00:52:13.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:15.000 Oh, your life sucks.

00:52:17.000 My life is Animal House.

00:52:18.000 Your life is kindergarten cop.

00:52:20.000 Jingle all the way.

00:52:21.000 Excuse you.

00:52:21.000 Everything about your existence is 1 100th as good as mine.

00:52:26.000 I'm okay with that.

00:52:27.000 Because your existence is so good that even 1 100th is pretty cool.

00:52:31.000 Okay, go back to the mailbag.

00:52:32.000 Was that a pausing instead of nagging?

00:52:35.000 I'm back.

00:52:38.000 So this is interesting, and it brings up an interesting subject.

00:52:43.000 A lot of the times you're laughing.

00:52:44.000 I was saying this to my kids.

00:52:46.000 Careful when you're shitting on someone.

00:52:48.000 Choose your targets because you might be shitting on someone who has special needs.

00:52:52.000 And you're like, ha ha, like we did when we're like, oh, I like chocolate.

00:52:56.000 Oh, that's a good one.

00:52:58.000 And then we see the actual footage and it's a special guy.

00:53:01.000 So now I'm making fun of someone who's mentally handicapped. 0.95

00:53:05.000 And I'm like, that guy's basically retarded. 1.00

00:53:07.000 Yeah.

00:53:08.000 And midgets are short. 0.99

00:53:10.000 So it's not funny or it's morally wrong and all that stuff too.

00:53:15.000 So I did an article for Tacky Mag about bronies.

00:53:20.000 And I was like, haha, look at this perpetual adolescence.

00:53:24.000 They're losers.

00:53:25.000 They watch kids' cartoons.

00:53:27.000 And then I looked deep, deep into it and I realized these guys are severely autistic.

00:53:33.000 Leave them alone.

00:53:35.000 And autists and people on the spectrum, they have trouble looking at you in the eyes, right? 1.00

00:53:41.000 They have trouble identifying.

00:53:43.000 They have trouble with emotions and trouble looking at people.

00:53:45.000 Bronies, they have very specific emotions.

00:53:49.000 Like, hi, I'm like disco brony or whatever the name of that particular fucking horse is.

00:53:56.000 It's the love one.

00:53:57.000 It's the music one.

00:53:58.000 It's the kiss one.

00:53:59.000 It's the food one.

00:54:00.000 So their emotions are very easy to hone in on.

00:54:06.000 And then they've got these giant eyes.

00:54:08.000 So it helps you practice like looking at eyes and corresponding with eyes.

00:54:12.000 So bronies are severely autistic guys who have trouble speaking to human beings, trying to be normal and trying to fix their mental illness. 0.99

00:54:24.000 So leave them the fuck alone.

00:54:28.000 And like insane clown posse is another thing people shit on where it's just the children of single moms trying to build a sense of community.

00:54:36.000 Usually if rich white liberals are shitting on something or Howard Stern is, it's usually worth having a second look at.

00:54:44.000 Anyway, that brings us to this video where the guy says perpetual adolescence.

00:54:48.000 And you see this woman who's obviously a big fan of puppies, cartoon puppies, I guess.

00:54:55.000 And she's ordered a furry helmet and she's freaking out about it.

00:55:05.000 It is nice.

00:55:07.000 They did a good job.

00:55:08.000 It's a really good...

00:55:14.000 Oh, no, it's so pretty.

00:55:18.000 I love Earth.

00:55:24.000 It is pretty pretty.

00:55:30.000 It doesn't look like it wants to be there, though.

00:55:34.000 I'm kind of guessing at the beginning.

00:55:35.000 Can you believe this shit?

00:55:38.000 All right, get off me. 1.00

00:55:39.000 Yeah.

00:55:41.000 Get the fuck off of me. 0.86

00:55:43.000 Someone got her the fuck away from me. 1.00

00:55:46.000 I can't.

00:55:47.000 Ow. 0.99

00:55:48.000 I can't.

00:55:48.000 You're hurting me.

00:55:49.000 Her nails are really sharp.

00:55:51.000 I don't know.

00:55:52.000 It's like she cuts them, but like on purpose.

00:55:54.000 Don't hurt me.

00:55:54.000 Please just put me down.

00:55:57.000 Can I get back in the box?

00:55:58.000 Put me down in any way you want to think.

00:56:00.000 Oh my God, where the fuck have I just landed?

00:56:02.000 Yeah, don't make fun of her.

00:56:04.000 She's trying to figure out.

00:56:06.000 She's trying to deal with the severe mental illness, and she's coping.

00:56:09.000 She's not hurting anybody.

00:56:10.000 Like, there's problems.

00:56:11.000 There's people shooting people, mugging people.

00:56:14.000 And she's cool.

00:56:14.000 And to be clear, perpetual adolescence is a huge problem.

00:56:17.000 I don't like when I see sane, capable men playing video games all day, jerking off to porn, being pathetic losers.

00:56:24.000 That's sad.

00:56:25.000 That's someone going from here and going down.

00:56:27.000 When you see bronies and her, it's someone down here getting up.

00:56:31.000 Getting a leg up.

00:56:33.000 All right.

00:56:33.000 Last one.

00:56:34.000 This is a special holiday ep.

00:56:38.000 So it's shorter and shittier than other episodes, but it's better than nothing.

00:56:42.000 Dear Gavin and Ryan, for the longest time, a friend of my wife would bring their daughter over to have play dates with our kids.

00:56:48.000 Sounds awesome.

00:56:50.000 Normal shit.

00:56:52.000 Over time, I began to notice some irregularities.

00:56:56.000 Only when the parents would leave.

00:57:00.000 Suddenly, this little girl I had come to know as Emily, or whatever, got really interested in video games and roughhousing with the boy.

00:57:11.000 So I guess he has a son, and the parents would bring their daughter over to play with their son.

00:57:18.000 It took me about two weeks to really study the behavior and find out from the parents that Emily was more of a prepubescent Jeff with silky long hair and exclusively pink slash purple clothing.

00:57:31.000 Long story short, I had a conversation with the parents and little Jeff only to find out that little Jeff was afraid to be a boy around his parents because they were so proud.

00:57:41.000 Dot, dot, dot.

00:57:42.000 Little Jeff was fucking eight.

00:57:45.000 So I, of course, called child services, which caused the parents to flee the state.

00:57:50.000 I'm happy to announce that little Jeff has a new loving home and is looking forward to playing basketball on the correct team next year, where he will inevitably get ran the fuck over like tiny kids do.

00:58:01.000 But hey, that's life.

00:58:03.000 Damn.

00:58:04.000 Huh.

00:58:06.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:58:09.000 That is good, but it's weird too because it's like...

00:58:12.000 It's good and bad.

00:58:13.000 Taking away a kid from the parents, but if the parents are like doing that Munchausen syndrome by proxy or showing off their kid or making him be cosplaying as a kid.

00:58:22.000 Munchhausen syndrome is when you make a kid sick and you claim that you're hurt by proxy.

00:58:30.000 Munchausen by proxy is redundant.

00:58:33.000 Oh, I see.

00:58:34.000 Proxy is innate in Munchausen.

00:58:36.000 But now the kid doesn't have parents.

00:58:38.000 So if they were diddling him or something, that's bad.

00:58:41.000 But is being stupid enough to convince your kid that he's trans, is that worth having your kid taken away? 0.98

00:58:47.000 That seems like abuse.

00:58:48.000 Yeah, it is.

00:58:49.000 It is abuse.

00:58:50.000 It's like a bad person.

00:58:51.000 I just wish instead of that, he could have slapped the parents around and said, stop doing this.

00:58:56.000 Your girl's a boy.

00:58:58.000 Stop pushing transgender on your son. 1.00

00:59:00.000 He's just trying to be a normal boy.

00:59:01.000 And they would do that, and then he could have a normal life with normal parents.

00:59:05.000 But maybe.

00:59:06.000 And if they're fleeing the state, they sounds like they were doing worse shit.

00:59:12.000 Right?

00:59:13.000 If they were good parents, they just fix it.

00:59:15.000 It feels like a good call.

00:59:16.000 All right, that's too sad and weird.

00:59:18.000 To end off on?

00:59:20.000 To end on.

00:59:21.000 Yeah, we'd have to end with the credits where the no music and say it's a very special episode.

00:59:28.000 A very special episode.

00:59:30.000 We should do that.

00:59:30.000 Let's end that this way.

00:59:33.000 Okay.

00:59:34.000 So we're going to end this as a very special episode.

00:59:38.000 No, now we can't do that.

00:59:39.000 We gave away the joke.

00:59:40.000 One day we will just end up.

00:59:42.000 One day we're going to end it.

00:59:44.000 Next time we end with a sad letter, I'll just have you come out here and turn out all the lights.

00:59:48.000 And then I'll do that thing by the door where I open the door and I look around at the studio one last time.

00:59:54.000 No, then the lights go off.

00:59:56.000 Right, right.

00:59:57.000 Yeah.

00:59:58.000 Because they usually look around at the whatever it is, leave it to beaver, facts of life, growing pains.

01:00:05.000 And then they look around and they turn off the light and they walk out.

01:00:08.000 They'll do those credits.

01:00:09.000 Black screen, but then it'll have that sound like when the white font comes.

01:00:13.000 Yeah, let's do that for Friday.

01:00:17.000 Boys, I know this is a longish email, but it's worth the read on Friday's episode.

01:00:20.000 Last week, you showed a video from the woman who owns Pod Share about living in the pod, eating bugs, and you will be happy all that. 0.82

01:00:26.000 I stayed at Pod Share for like three to five weeks when I was backpacking.

01:00:30.000 I actually know the chick, Alvina. 1.00

01:00:32.000 Brian, don't put up the letters.

01:00:34.000 It's stupid.

01:00:35.000 I'm reading the letter.

01:00:36.000 Put up something that's related to it, like a pod share, obviously.

01:00:41.000 People can read.

01:00:43.000 Pod share.

01:00:44.000 I stayed at Pod Share.

01:00:45.000 So take down the letter, please.

01:00:47.000 I stayed at Pod Share in LA, blah, blah, blah.

01:00:49.000 I actually know the chick, Alvina, who owns Pod Company, and I fucked her at a party once. 1.00

01:00:53.000 Just kidding.

01:00:54.000 I tried to fuck her at a party in LA, but my retarded 19-year-old self didn't realize she's gay. 1.00

01:00:59.000 Anyway, moving on.

01:01:00.000 She and her lesbian lover had a baby at the beginning of the year.

01:01:02.000 They bore some guys come to get the other chick pregnant, as lesbians are wont to do. 1.00

01:01:06.000 However, just to make things weirder, these chicks used Alvina's brother's jizz to impregnate her girlfriend. 1.00

01:01:15.000 So now Alvina's brother is the real dad of her kid.

01:01:20.000 They call him Frunkel.

01:01:21.000 Father-uncle?

01:01:22.000 Well, I prefer calling him Uncle-Dad because it sounds more hilarious and redneck. 1.00

01:01:26.000 As you'd imagine, Alvina and all her LA friends are massive lefty BLM types. 1.00

01:01:32.000 But dude, check out the reaction when they found out the baby was going to be a boy at the gender reveal.

01:01:37.000 Turn it up.

01:01:38.000 Let me see her.

01:01:38.000 Hear her.

01:01:41.000 No, no, go back.

01:01:42.000 I want to see.

01:01:44.000 They included a picture of her.

01:01:46.000 No, not that back.

01:01:47.000 The original video you had.

01:01:48.000 No, that was just, um, that was just B-roll.

01:01:52.000 I know.

01:01:52.000 I want to see the fucking B-roll.

01:01:54.000 Turn it up.

01:01:55.000 Yeah, I am.

01:01:56.000 Where are you from?

01:01:57.000 Austin, Texas.

01:01:58.000 So how long have you been here?

01:02:00.000 About a month, I think.

01:02:01.000 Whoa.

01:02:02.000 So, wow, that's a long time.

01:02:03.000 So you're not just touring.

01:02:04.000 You're not a tourist.

01:02:05.000 I'm like working at a coffee shop around the corner.

01:02:08.000 Just for the summer.

01:02:09.000 Just for the summer.

01:02:10.000 So you didn't want to get like a sublet or...

01:02:12.000 I tried to at first, but...

01:02:14.000 All right, that's enough.

01:02:15.000 I want to see what she looks like.

01:02:16.000 Show the picture that came with the email.

01:02:20.000 She's kind of hot and not hot at the same time. 1.00

01:02:22.000 Show the picture that came with the email, please.

01:02:24.000 It takes a second, but here, let's just show all the things.

01:02:28.000 Interesting, interesting.

01:02:29.000 Okay, so this is time stamped for the gender reveal.

01:02:32.000 148.

01:02:57.000 What a fucking piece of shit.

01:03:01.000 Look at what's coming up.

01:03:02.000 Come and make it believer meeting.

01:03:05.000 Boy, good.

01:03:05.000 That means I can leave early.

01:03:08.000 Come and make it believer me.

01:03:11.000 There's nothing to celebrate.

01:03:12.000 It's another white male.

01:03:13.000 Just kill it.

01:03:14.000 Just get an abortion. 1.00

01:03:16.000 That's her abortion announcement.

01:03:19.000 God damn it!

01:03:20.000 Did she shove it in my face or something? 1.00

01:03:23.000 Why did you paint?

01:03:24.000 Oh, my God!

01:03:26.000 You're gonna change men!

01:03:30.000 Did she say you're gonna change men?

01:03:32.000 Yeah.

01:03:33.000 Oh, great.

01:03:34.000 Fantastic.

01:03:36.000 The good news is we can brainwash it.

01:03:48.000 Well, by the way, usually the mother indicated.

01:03:51.000 That's your brother.

01:03:52.000 Who jizz in his wife? 1.00

01:03:54.000 It's usually bad if your brother fucks your wife. 1.00

01:04:01.000 We're gonna retry right away.

01:04:04.000 We're going right back into it.

01:04:05.000 Richard, get ready.

01:04:07.000 We're going right back into it.

01:04:08.000 Yeah, what a tangled web we weave.

01:04:11.000 I keep trying to clean up this show and end on something good.

01:04:17.000 Okay, this one's pretty good.

01:04:18.000 This one's farther down.

01:04:20.000 Dear Gavon and Rytard.

01:04:22.000 What's the subject?

01:04:23.000 That's the subject.

01:04:26.000 There's nothing to show, though.

01:04:27.000 Maybe you could show B-roll.

01:04:28.000 I don't know.

01:04:29.000 I don't think either one of you give each other enough shit in certain situations when it's entirely necessary to do so.

01:04:36.000 For example, Ryan is a stupid little pygmy with Down syndrome who didn't know what out of wedlock meant and also dressed exactly like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse for his shitty mullet reveal and then feigned absolute shock when the first comparison was made and said he'd never seen the movie. 0.85

01:04:54.000 Correct.

01:04:55.000 If that is true, then he should be fired.

01:04:58.000 And you and Maddie should hold him down and shave his head because he is a poser and doesn't deserve that hair.

01:05:05.000 So you're not allowed to have a mullet if you haven't seen Roadhouse.

01:05:07.000 I don't disagree with that.

01:05:08.000 I think there are real men that are like down south dudes that haven't seen Roadhouse.

01:05:12.000 They're like, I don't fucking watch TV.

01:05:13.000 This is a fucking lifestyle.

01:05:15.000 That bitch was, he's seen Animal House, Roadhouse. 1.00

01:05:19.000 There's a bunch.

01:05:20.000 You have to see all your houses as a man.

01:05:22.000 The show house.

01:05:23.000 The show house.

01:05:25.000 The loud house you have to watch.

01:05:27.000 You have to own a house.

01:05:27.000 Splatterhouse, you have to play the video game.

01:05:30.000 On the other hand, Gavin can't go 15 minutes without making an off-the-cup remark about dicks, big dicks, sucking dicks.

01:05:36.000 Oh, this is the letter I told you about earlier.

01:05:38.000 Or wanting to suck big dicks. 1.00

01:05:40.000 And for some reason, nobody ever calls him out on it.

01:05:43.000 That's not true.

01:05:44.000 Now, this is something with young men.

01:05:46.000 Remember I told you I saw Rocky Horror when I was 13 and I was traumatized by the gay scene? 1.00

01:05:50.000 And this is probably a natural thing God programs.

01:05:53.000 You're very freaky about anything gay when you're in your adolescence. 1.00

01:05:57.000 After your 20s, you're just like, who cares?

01:05:59.000 It's funny.

01:06:00.000 But he's obviously in his teens.

01:06:03.000 Ryan, this is when you should step in and call him out on these thinly veiled borderline jokes and get him back for all the times he has bitched you out on live television like a black woman at Burger King.

01:06:14.000 Just remember that he is in denial and his impervious boomer caveman brain will force him to pretend that you can't hurt his feelings.

01:06:21.000 Also, don't forget that he is an alcoholic loser who sets a terrible example for his children by pissing himself to sleep in a leather chair every night.

01:06:30.000 Not every night.

01:06:30.000 Who's supposed to be reading this?

01:06:32.000 Us, but only some of us?

01:06:33.000 While his wife is plotting a divorce behind his back.

01:06:36.000 I did not know about that.

01:06:37.000 Thank you for the heads up.

01:06:39.000 Gavin, I won't be surprised if you never read this on the show because I think you're actually an extremely insecure and sensitive little bitch, which is why you're constantly picking on Ryan. 1.00

01:06:48.000 And despite the fact that he is a fatherless half-chink retard, he takes criticism way better than you ever could. 1.00

01:06:55.000 And you probably don't give him credit for that either.

01:06:56.000 I just don't have anything to say back.

01:06:58.000 That's really, I have nothing else to do but absorb it.

01:07:01.000 And I think I know why.

01:07:03.000 I think I know why.

01:07:05.000 Love you both more than Gavin apparently loves dicks.

01:07:10.000 I think that's a positive note to end on, isn't it?

01:07:12.000 Yes.

01:07:13.000 By the way, my drinking in Scotland with my people is known as being a pussy and not drinking enough.

01:07:21.000 Like wetting a chair in Glasgow, it doesn't register.

01:07:26.000 No one even mentions it.

01:07:27.000 It's a good start.

01:07:29.000 For me, these days, it happens about every two or three months.

01:07:33.000 Like when I got this burn, I had to drink a bottle of fireball because of the pain, and then I wet the couch that night.

01:07:39.000 It hasn't happened since.

01:07:40.000 So that was July 4th.

01:07:42.000 Is that hand like 100% better?

01:07:45.000 No, it's 99.9.

01:07:47.000 I still got a weird thumb properly.

01:07:50.000 Let's see here.

01:07:52.000 Are you trying to zoom?

01:07:55.000 Should I move it?

01:07:56.000 I see the thumb.

01:07:57.000 Yeah.

01:07:58.000 What if you open the hand?

01:08:00.000 See, look, it doesn't bend very well.

01:08:02.000 Oh, shit.

01:08:03.000 But again, 99.9.

01:08:07.000 The dicks thing I'm not taking as a criticism.

01:08:10.000 Like, closeted fag is something you say about men when you're everyone when you're in your teens, because you're petrified that you're going to be gay.

01:08:19.000 So you're like, that's probably a fag. 1.00

01:08:20.000 Is that a fag?

01:08:20.000 That's gay.

01:08:21.000 Yeah.

01:08:21.000 Get the fuck away.

01:08:22.000 It's almost like, because in your adolescence, it's sort of like the draft.

01:08:27.000 And if you pull the wrong number, you're a fag. 1.00

01:08:30.000 So you're just sitting there going, please don't be gay. 1.00

01:08:33.000 And then you like, you finally get laid and you fuck a few chicks and it's awesome.

01:08:36.000 And you go, oh, fuck that God.

01:08:38.000 Because nobody wants to be gay. 1.00

01:08:40.000 It's not the end of the world if you're gay, but it's like being an albino. 1.00

01:08:46.000 It's not like being left-handed where it's kind of cool.

01:08:48.000 But even being left-handed is more inconvenient than being right-handed.

01:08:52.000 But, you know, it's like having shitty teeth.

01:08:56.000 It's something that's got to be fixed so that's inconvenient.

01:08:58.000 No, shitty teeth is a bad example.

01:09:00.000 It's like being blind in one eye.

01:09:01.000 That's what being gay is. 0.98

01:09:02.000 Or redhead? 1.00

01:09:03.000 It's not the end of the world.

01:09:04.000 No, redhead was a thing a long time ago. 1.00

01:09:06.000 Not anymore.

01:09:06.000 Being blind in one eye is like being gay.

01:09:08.000 So when my ex-friend said, I hope your kids become gay so you can see what it's like and it'll erase your prejudice, fuck you for saying I care about gays.

01:09:18.000 And secondly, fuck you for saying my kids should be blind in one eye.

01:09:21.000 So that's what being gay is. 0.91

01:09:22.000 You don't hate them.

01:09:23.000 You don't want to throw them off a building.

01:09:25.000 But you just go, ah, shit.

01:09:27.000 That's too bad.

01:09:27.000 You can't have kids.

01:09:30.000 And that's it for today's holiday show.

01:09:32.000 We never want to deprive you of a show even when we're not here.

01:09:36.000 If you want to firebomb the studio, I think this would be a great opportunity to do it without killing anyone.

01:09:40.000 Although our neighbors are super nice and you shouldn't kill them.

01:09:44.000 In the interim, we'll see you back with real live shows soon.

01:09:51.000 Just remember that I didn't leave like Crowder and Compound do.

01:09:55.000 And I bet fucking Ben Shapiro does, but I don't watch him.

01:09:59.000 Does anyone watch that?

01:10:01.000 Get fired.

01:10:02.000 Get in trouble.

01:10:02.000 Be brave.

01:10:03.000 And never stop fighting.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 02, 2021

FROM THE MAILBAG 3

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