Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #123 | Here are 10 tips for young men

00:00:00.000 Here are 10 tips for young men.

00:00:05.000 I'm basing this on Charles Murray's incredible book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, which should just be, the government should just print them out like Bibles and give them to every man who graduates high school.

00:00:20.000 Actually, every man who turns 18. 0.99

00:00:21.000 Fuck school. 1.00

00:00:22.000 Fuck school, fuck school, fuck my high school. 1.00

00:00:26.000 Number one. 1.00

00:00:29.000 Don't eat in a group of more than four.

00:00:33.000 Like, go out to eat.

00:00:34.000 If you have a Super Bowl party, you can have a bunch of people over.

00:00:36.000 I'm not talking about that.

00:00:38.000 I'm talking about the bill.

00:00:39.000 I cannot tell you how many times I've sat down with a group of six who think that they become Bernie Bros all of a sudden, and they think the government's gonna pay for everything.

00:00:52.000 And the next thing you know, they're ordering fucking wings, and they're ordering margaritas, and then the bill comes and it's 320 bucks, and then everyone pitches in, and everyone ends up with, uh, you know, inevitably the bill, when you count all the money that everyone put in, you're 120 bucks short.

00:01:14.000 It's the same with karaoke. 0.97

00:01:15.000 Karaoke's much trickier.

00:01:17.000 When you rent a room. 1.00

00:01:19.000 Because people go, I didn't even sing a fucking song. 0.99

00:01:21.000 Why would I pay? 0.99

00:01:22.000 Because you're part of the group.

00:01:23.000 Here's, now this is when we get into the weeds.

00:01:26.000 Like, uh, people in AA.

00:01:27.000 They don't think they should have to pay.

00:01:29.000 And I understand.

00:01:29.000 My maker's marks are 12 bucks each.

00:01:31.000 I added a lot to the bill.

00:01:33.000 But civilized people just split the bill.

00:01:36.000 And people who don't drink take the maker's hit.

00:01:39.000 If you don't like it, don't eat in a group.

00:01:40.000 And as I started out this podcast, don't eat in a group.

00:01:45.000 Even as adults, even as 48-year-olds.

00:01:48.000 I mean, we have friends now, like couple friends, and our kids are friends.

00:01:52.000 So now we're up to nine people.

00:01:56.000 And I'll take the bill sometimes, and it'll be $420.

00:01:59.000 And I'll go, tabernacle to call this.

00:02:03.000 C'est pas ma chair, ça.

00:02:05.000 But then he'll get me next time.

00:02:07.000 So that's like living on the edge.

00:02:08.000 That's like high stakes gambling.

00:02:10.000 That's those guys with the $25,000 chips.

00:02:13.000 I'm not suggesting you join our club.

00:02:15.000 But I managed to make it work with this one couple.

00:02:18.000 Because it evens out over time. 1.00

00:02:20.000 But that's crazy shit. 0.99

00:02:21.000 Like my bank account's nothing, and then I'm a billionaire. 0.99

00:02:24.000 Then my bank account's nothing, then I'm a billionaire.

00:02:26.000 Don't join this club.

00:02:28.000 But yeah, say there's a big table of people.

00:02:31.000 Don't get involved. 1.00

00:02:31.000 Or these stupid birthday parties where everyone meets at some Mexican restaurant and you just look down and it looks like something out of Game of Thrones. 1.00

00:02:40.000 There's just 12 people on that side, 12 people on this side. 1.00

00:02:45.000 Unless she's heir to the Tommy Hilfiger throne and she's covering it, don't go to that!

00:02:52.000 You're gonna be short.

00:02:55.000 I'll never forget this story.

00:02:56.000 Her name's Amy Gartrell.

00:02:57.000 I'm calling her out.

00:02:58.000 She's an artist, New York artist.

00:03:00.000 And this is when I learned this.

00:03:01.000 I was maybe 29 in New York City. 1.00

00:03:05.000 And it was one of those stupid, gigantic dinners. 1.00

00:03:08.000 And then we're all getting the bill. 1.00

00:03:10.000 And I put in a crazy amount, like a hundred bucks. 1.00

00:03:13.000 And all I had is a margarita and maybe a stupid little taco. 0.99

00:03:18.000 And I said to her, wait a minute, you only put in eight bucks? 0.99

00:03:21.000 And she goes, yeah, meanwhile it was, you know, $23 per person would have been reasonable.

00:03:27.000 And I go, but you had a whole burrito meal and then you had two margaritas.

00:03:34.000 And she goes, no, I only had one margarita.

00:03:36.000 And I go, those are like 12 bucks.

00:03:38.000 She goes, yeah, but I only had eight.

00:03:40.000 I just ordered a Reese Mobile.

00:03:41.000 Isn't that communism in a nutshell?

00:03:43.000 These socialists, they go, I wasn't greedy.

00:03:46.000 I just took what I deserve.

00:03:47.000 I deserve a margarita at an expensive Mexican restaurant and a burrito dinner.

00:03:53.000 The rest of you can pay for me.

00:03:55.000 Perfect example of AOC.

00:03:57.000 There she was in flesh and blood.

00:04:01.000 Now the karaoke thing I alluded to earlier is much more complicated.

00:04:05.000 I suggest

00:04:08.000 What you do is everyone who walks in, it's almost like a, so I'm talking about when you rent a room.

00:04:13.000 Those rooms can be 250 bucks.

00:04:15.000 So just every time someone walks in, hey man, it's 20 bucks.

00:04:18.000 And then if they don't want to come, then don't come.

00:04:20.000 You can't come in the room.

00:04:21.000 There's a cover charge.

00:04:23.000 You basically rented a restaurant that has open bar and you're charging at the front.

00:04:28.000 You might get money, have money left over.

00:04:29.000 God bless your cotton socks if you do.

00:04:33.000 So,

00:04:35.000 I guess the big picture here is understand that there's going to be a bill.

00:04:40.000 And this is normal for Gen Xers like myself.

00:04:43.000 Millennials don't understand this. 0.56

00:04:44.000 Millennials do a job and then they go, hey man, can you do this for me? 0.79

00:04:48.000 Can you pay me back?

00:04:49.000 I did a bunch of stuff.

00:04:50.000 Like I had an intern at Rooster when we had the ad agency and after working there for about six months, he submitted a bill.

00:04:57.000 And I go, dude, you're an intern.

00:04:59.000 You're here for free.

00:05:00.000 And by the way, you're not a great deal, interns, because you're constantly explaining stuff to them and training them. 0.99

00:05:07.000 And that is a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:05:11.000 You're getting free college from me. 1.00

00:05:14.000 And yeah, you have to take out the garbage.

00:05:16.000 I also show you how to edit in Premiere.

00:05:19.000 So it's usually easier for me just to do the job myself. 1.00

00:05:24.000 Fucking interns. 0.99

00:05:25.000 But yeah, millennials need to stop and go, okay, this is a project I want to do. 0.99

00:05:29.000 Hey person with the money, let's do this project and is that okay with you?

00:05:35.000 Like the analogy I used to use is, say someone comes to your home when you're away on vacation and paints your house gold with gold paint.

00:05:43.000 And then they go, hey man, the gold paint alone is usually like four grand.

00:05:46.000 I'm only asking for three grand.

00:05:47.000 Yeah, but I didn't want my house painted gold.

00:05:50.000 You're not helping me out.

00:05:51.000 You think you're giving me a thousand bucks in favors.

00:05:54.000 No, you're not.

00:05:55.000 You're giving me a $3,000 bill I wouldn't normally have.

00:06:00.000 So just keep it to yourself.

00:06:01.000 And I gotta say, when I first moved to New York, I was coming from Canada.

00:06:06.000 This is in 99 and I had this sort of British thing where you always buy rounds and every time you go to the bar you go, you alright?

00:06:13.000 You alright?

00:06:14.000 And I would do that, and then I noticed I would never get buybacks.

00:06:18.000 I'd be buying pints for people, and they would never buy me a pint.

00:06:21.000 Which is not the Scottish way.

00:06:23.000 In Scotland, they do it to a fault.

00:06:26.000 You all right, pal?

00:06:27.000 You all right?

00:06:28.000 What you having there?

00:06:29.000 I don't know, tenants' lager?

00:06:31.000 That's a woman's pint! 1.00

00:06:31.000 Tenants? 1.00

00:06:34.000 Here, I'm gonna give you a Caledonian 80! 1.00

00:06:38.000 And then he comes back with another fucking pint. 0.99

00:06:40.000 You already have a pint. 1.00

00:06:41.000 I'm sick of being overfed beer. 0.98

00:06:44.000 I woke up this morning, after working out like crazy, all kinds of abs, sit-ups and shit, and I'm getting fatter every day. 0.99

00:06:51.000 I'm turning into Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka, where she becomes that giant blueberry. 0.94

00:06:57.000 And it's because every time I go out, the bartenders, like the second you're in your bottom 20%, they go, you all right?

00:07:03.000 Sometimes they grab it and fill it back up again.

00:07:03.000 You want another?

00:07:06.000 That one's on the house.

00:07:07.000 I don't want it on the house.

00:07:09.000 I would like to finish my beer and maybe even have a good 30 seconds to a minute of just, whew, that was a lot of bubbles.

00:07:17.000 So say you're at a bar, um, and there's a bunch of people there and they say, Hey, let's all get a table.

00:07:24.000 Say no.

00:07:25.000 Stay at the bar and do that thing that I didn't like about Americans when I first moved here and I now like. 1.00

00:07:31.000 I'm buying my own shit with my own money. 0.99

00:07:33.000 If you want to put a card behind the bar, fine. 1.00

00:07:36.000 Don't tell other people, hey, it's under McInnes.

00:07:38.000 Don't do that. 0.99

00:07:40.000 I don't recommend, by the way, putting your card behind the bar because you're going to get wasted and you're going to forget it there, which is a huge pain in the ass. 0.99

00:07:40.000 You have your bar. 0.99

00:07:49.000 Actually, that brings me to 1B, which is use cash at all times.

00:07:56.000 A?

00:07:56.000 This is B?

00:07:58.000 1BA.

00:08:00.000 1BA. 0.98

00:08:02.000 It's a pain in the ass for the bartenders to get their tips from the credit cards. 0.99

00:08:06.000 1BB. 0.98

00:08:07.000 It takes a while to put the credit card through. 0.99

00:08:08.000 It's a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:08:09.000 Can we just deal with cash, please? 0.99

00:08:10.000 1BC. 0.96

00:08:14.000 When you start using cash, you realize how much fucking money you're spending, and you see 120 bucks go brrp. 0.96

00:08:20.000 Especially in New York City, where, as someone explained to me when I first moved here, you get off the bus, the bus station, I was poor back then, so we took the bus. 0.97

00:08:30.000 You walk home, you might get a slice of pizza on the way home, you don't buy anything, you don't go to a bar, you open your front door, you look in your wallet, 25 bucks is gone.

00:08:39.000 That's just the way it works here.

00:08:40.000 It's like when you're scuba diving, you have a tank and just swimming around, your tank just starts going down until you look at your little meter and you better get up fast.

00:08:50.000 Not too fast, you don't wanna get the bends, but you better get up.

00:08:54.000 Take out a lot of money when you go to the bank.

00:08:54.000 So use cash.

00:08:57.000 Take out 200 bucks and make that last. 0.99

00:09:01.000 This is one, so that's my one B, A to C. Now here's one C. If you are broke, buy a flask, fill that up with booze that you bought at home.

00:09:16.000 If you have expensive tastes like me, unfortunately you have Maker's Mark, but you bought that in bulk, so you have the big, huge $70 bottle.

00:09:24.000 Fill that with the flask.

00:09:25.000 Fill your flask with that.

00:09:26.000 Keep that in your breast pocket.

00:09:28.000 And then go to the bar and just nurse a Budweiser for the longest time ever.

00:09:32.000 And every time you go piss, have a swig of your whiskey.

00:09:36.000 Now you have a great buzz, and if you're really good, you can keep it down to maybe two pints.

00:09:44.000 For the whole night.

00:09:45.000 Maybe three.

00:09:48.000 That is my advice on keeping money intact.

00:09:53.000 And also,

00:09:55.000 Before you buy something, I think there's a list of five.

00:09:57.000 I forget exactly what they are, but they're like, do I need this?

00:10:00.000 Actually, I should look that up.

00:10:03.000 Do I need it?

00:10:05.000 Can I afford it?

00:10:08.000 Is it a good deal?

00:10:10.000 These are all questions.

00:10:13.000 Uh, Oh, this is all stuff.

00:10:17.000 If you can, how much you can spend on a home.

00:10:20.000 So that's not good.

00:10:22.000 Now, there's a list of criteria out there.

00:10:24.000 Like, say you want to buy a pair of sneakers.

00:10:28.000 I have questions to ask before you buy something.

00:10:28.000 You got it?

00:10:31.000 All right.

00:10:32.000 One, can I really afford it?

00:10:34.000 Ryan, you should print this out and get it tattooed on your chest.

00:10:38.000 No, have it tattooed on the inside of your eyelids.

00:10:41.000 Yes.

00:10:42.000 Can I really afford it?

00:10:44.000 No, you can't.

00:10:46.000 And how do you determine if you can afford something?

00:10:48.000 Well, you can't take the train the day before you get your paycheck.

00:10:54.000 You have no groceries in the house the day before you get your paycheck.

00:10:57.000 So no, you can't afford anything.

00:11:00.000 I said this in the last show, you should have a baseline of like 300 bucks.

00:11:04.000 That's your zero.

00:11:06.000 The fact that people go below... 300 is the same as zero.

00:11:09.000 I remember living with junkies, and they do things like sell their bike.

00:11:12.000 And I go, you're just gonna be broke again in a couple weeks or a week, and then you'll have no bike. 1.00

00:11:18.000 Don't sell shit. 1.00

00:11:19.000 Don't sell your records. 1.00

00:11:21.000 Never sell anything, actually. 1.00

00:11:23.000 This whole idea that you're gonna make some money selling some things around the house is stupid. 1.00

00:11:28.000 Keep everything. 1.00

00:11:29.000 And if it's really garbage, throw it out.

00:11:32.000 Number two, what will I do with it? 0.99

00:11:35.000 If you haven't used it in a year, it's garbage. 0.98

00:11:38.000 Let it go. 0.90

00:11:40.000 I mean, snowshoes might be an exception.

00:11:42.000 But basically, you've got too much clutter in your life.

00:11:45.000 Now, I do make an exception with books.

00:11:48.000 I like to keep all my books, because I write notes in the books, and I have this pipe dream that my kids will be interested in them, and they can read them, and then they'll see dad's notes down the margin.

00:11:56.000 It's probably not going to happen.

00:11:58.000 But that's my one exception with clutter. 0.99

00:12:00.000 And when you overbuy, you buy a lot of fucking clutter. 0.98

00:12:04.000 Like, how many hats do you have? 0.98

00:12:06.000 Why do you need more than maybe two baseball hats and one winter toque, as we call them in Canada?

00:12:12.000 Number three, how often will I use it?

00:12:13.000 I already covered that.

00:12:15.000 You better use it at least once a year.

00:12:16.000 Go down to number four.

00:12:19.000 What are you doing right now?

00:12:21.000 Doodling.

00:12:22.000 Do I really even want it?

00:12:25.000 Yeah, that's a good question.

00:12:27.000 Because sometimes you'll buy something because other people are buying something, like yesterday when Ryan bought that Carhartt hat, just because my brother and I were buying boots.

00:12:36.000 I've always wanted one.

00:12:39.000 You always wanted a Carhartt hat.

00:12:40.000 Yeah, and it's hard to find them.

00:12:41.000 And I was in heaven, I went in there, there's just tons of Carhartts.

00:12:44.000 So I bought two hats.

00:12:46.000 You already have hats.

00:12:48.000 Yeah, but not a Carhartt hat.

00:12:49.000 And you're broke.

00:12:50.000 Yes.

00:12:51.000 And you spend, what is it, $50 a day on trains?

00:12:54.000 Yep.

00:12:55.000 That's a great idea.

00:12:57.000 And number five, can I borrow it?

00:13:00.000 That's another good one.

00:13:00.000 Yes.

00:13:01.000 Especially if it's a weird thing, like a snowboard, that you're not going to use.

00:13:06.000 I cannot say enough about renting.

00:13:07.000 I'm worried this is getting boring.

00:13:09.000 This is getting a little old for you.

00:13:10.000 I said young men, don't buy a house. 1.00

00:13:12.000 Rent a house.

00:13:14.000 People, young people worry about their credit. 1.00

00:13:16.000 Fuck your credit. 1.00

00:13:17.000 You're never gonna buy a house. 1.00

00:13:18.000 You're always gonna be broke. 0.99

00:13:20.000 If you have $200,000 in student debt, look in the mirror right now and say, fuck my credit, declare bankruptcy, I'm never going to own a home. 0.98

00:13:28.000 I promise you, if you have 200 grand in debt, you're never going to buy a home. 0.99

00:13:35.000 All right?

00:13:37.000 All right.

00:13:38.000 Now, just kept your money in your bank.

00:13:40.000 And always have a job.

00:13:41.000 And never quit.

00:13:43.000 Never quit a job before you have a new job. 1.00

00:13:46.000 Never just go, this job sucks, fuck it. 1.00

00:13:48.000 Think of the jobs as moving trains. 1.00

00:13:51.000 And you don't jump off a train unless there's another train on the tracks next to you that's also going in the same direction.

00:13:57.000 I see so many people just go, you know what, I'm not happy.

00:14:00.000 And they just jump off the train and hit the ground.

00:14:02.000 You also...

00:14:04.000 As a young person have to understand that no one makes money for the first two years.

00:14:09.000 You know, your boss that owns that company, he didn't make money for the first two years.

00:14:13.000 He took out the garbage. 1.00

00:14:14.000 He did all the shit. 1.00

00:14:15.000 So you're not going to make money. 0.99

00:14:17.000 I was talking to a high school student, my friend's kid the other day, and he's making these YouTube videos.

00:14:21.000 And he says, you got any ideas?

00:14:23.000 And I said, yeah, you should do this and that and make this kind of video.

00:14:26.000 Make sure it has, you know, universal appeal.

00:14:28.000 Don't be too parochial.

00:14:30.000 Don't be too specific.

00:14:32.000 You know, like how to eat a hamburger or something like that?

00:14:36.000 And he goes, yeah, but how do I make money on that?

00:14:38.000 And I said, dude, you're making YouTube videos.

00:14:40.000 Say goodbye to two years.

00:14:42.000 Basically, don't expect your first 200 videos to make money.

00:14:48.000 And you better do a lot, and they better have mass appeal, and they better be funny, and you better be charming.

00:14:53.000 And then you can start thinking about making money.

00:14:55.000 So, you know, entrepreneurs and interns and employees all have the same problem.

00:15:00.000 You're not going to make money at the beginning.

00:15:01.000 And a good example of this is cameramen.

00:15:04.000 The guys who shoot movies. 1.00

00:15:05.000 I know a guy, I edited his book, and it was called... Shit! 1.00

00:15:11.000 What was it called? 1.00

00:15:12.000 How to Become a Millionaire?

00:15:14.000 How to Make a Million Dollars?

00:15:17.000 Um...

00:15:23.000 A fighting book? 1.00

00:15:25.000 Shit. 1.00

00:15:28.000 Anyway, I'll dig it up. 1.00

00:15:30.000 His name was Kennedy.

00:15:38.000 He was a cameraman.

00:15:39.000 He films movies with Tom Cruise and that kind of stuff now.

00:15:42.000 But he went through hell as a cameraman's apprentice or whatever you want to call it.

00:15:46.000 Assistant DP.

00:15:50.000 Director of Photography.

00:15:51.000 And they would make you go to Manhattan and get a latte from this one place even though you're shooting in Brooklyn and it would be a 45 minute commute and then they'd get there and the latte would be cold and they'd spit it in his face and throw it on the ground.

00:16:03.000 That's life.

00:16:04.000 That's, you do that for two years, take brutal abuse, and eventually you're ready.

00:16:12.000 Now I have to find that book.

00:16:14.000 Knockout! 0.99

00:16:15.000 That's what it's called.

00:16:17.000 Knockout, a manual for success, my million dollar shift.

00:16:21.000 He was about $400,000 in debt and then he made $600,000.

00:16:25.000 So he was initially going to call it How to Make Half a Million Dollars.

00:16:28.000 I said, no dude, you made a million.

00:16:30.000 So call it a million dollar.

00:16:31.000 How to Make a Million Dollars.

00:16:32.000 He changed it to Million Dollar Shift.

00:16:34.000 But, um, in that book he talks about being a cameraman and then he eventually made it.

00:16:39.000 But, you know, the hazing is healthy.

00:16:42.000 Hazing is good.

00:16:43.000 And the hazing is, look, cameramen make, um, uh, uh, they make good money, but they have to work 12 hours a day, sometimes for two months. 0.99

00:16:53.000 So if you're a pussy who needs a day off all the time, you need some mental health time, or you hate being outside in the freezing cold all night long, then it's not the job for you. 1.00

00:17:04.000 So it's a way to weed people out. 1.00

00:17:06.000 You know, that's the beauty of the military.

00:17:08.000 That's what I like about frats.

00:17:10.000 Hazing is important. 0.99

00:17:12.000 And hazing is good, like, even when I shit on Ryan all the time. 0.98

00:17:14.000 I'm trying to make him a better person. 0.98

00:17:16.000 It's not like I'm mean.

00:17:17.000 I like it.

00:17:20.000 I hear complaints about people complaining about similar things.

00:17:22.000 I'm like, whatever, dude. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Yeah, they're pussies. 1.00

00:17:26.000 My dad was constantly on my ass. 1.00

00:17:29.000 And that's why, you know, the Puerto Ricans in my old neighborhood in Williamsburg, I'd walk by the window and I'd see them getting their pedicures, getting their mani-pedi. 1.00

00:17:43.000 And I'd think, that's someone without a dad.

00:17:44.000 Or in the Dominicans up there in Washington Heights, who are lining up for a haircut. 0.99

00:17:51.000 You had a haircut three days ago!

00:17:53.000 Haircuts are such an important part of the culture in Washington Heights.

00:17:58.000 There's two barbershops on every block, and there's a lineup from 10 a.m.

00:18:02.000 to 10 p.m.

00:18:04.000 of guys just getting their fades redone.

00:18:06.000 Meanwhile, their fades are perfect.

00:18:09.000 A dad wouldn't allow that.

00:18:10.000 A dad would go, what'd you do today, son? 1.00

00:18:12.000 I lined up, I got a mani-pedi, I looked like shit, you should have seen my toes. 1.00

00:18:16.000 And then I, like gays don't even do that. 1.00

00:18:19.000 Gays get a haircut once every three weeks. 0.99

00:18:24.000 And that whole, that thing on the train where it's like, hey man, sorry to bother you.

00:18:28.000 And he's playing a guitar.

00:18:31.000 You know the shuttle that goes from Times Square to Grand Central?

00:18:35.000 And there's that guy with the guitar going, hey, I wanna know. 0.99

00:18:38.000 And he's singing some fucking major pop hit. 0.97

00:18:42.000 And then he asks for money at the end. 0.99

00:18:44.000 Your dad wouldn't allow you to do that.

00:18:45.000 Dads provide valid shame.

00:18:49.000 Or more importantly, dads provide pride.

00:18:52.000 And when you have pride, you don't get your toes did.

00:18:58.000 So, uh, uh, yeah, that's, I think we're done with money now, right? 1.00

00:19:05.000 You gotta, you gotta eat shit for a while. 0.99

00:19:08.000 And hazing is part of life. 1.00

00:19:09.000 It's actually benevolent.

00:19:10.000 Although, Jesus Lord in heaven above, my brother told me these stories the other day.

00:19:16.000 We were drinking booze and, uh, we were talking about camp and he goes, yeah, I fucking hated camp when I was 10.

00:19:23.000 And I said, why? 0.91

00:19:25.000 The amount of abuse he got is, if it happened today, it would be national news.

00:19:31.000 You ready for these things that happen to him at camp?

00:19:33.000 Thing one.

00:19:37.000 He's at a sleepaway camp for two weeks.

00:19:39.000 Day two, they roll out some luggage, and all the kids have been called in, all these 10-year-olds.

00:19:45.000 They roll in some luggage.

00:19:46.000 Do you know this story, Ryan?

00:19:47.000 Yeah, he told it yesterday at the bar.

00:19:49.000 So, he's looking there, and he goes, hey, that's my bags.

00:19:52.000 Huh, that's weird.

00:19:53.000 Why are they rolling out my luggage?

00:19:55.000 And the counselors, who are about 14, pull out an industrial-sized tub of Vaseline.

00:20:02.000 A life supply of Vaseline.

00:20:03.000 Take your computer to monitor right now.

00:20:05.000 Imagine that was a cube.

00:20:07.000 Fill that with Vaseline.

00:20:08.000 Stick a Vaseline sticker on it.

00:20:09.000 That's what they pulled out of his bag.

00:20:11.000 And they said, we found this in one of the kid's bags. 1.00

00:20:15.000 This guy's obviously a chronic masturbator. 0.99

00:20:17.000 We want to tell you that masturbating is wrong. 0.99

00:20:21.000 Now, if I were to do that to Ryan on a camping trip, that would be funny and everyone would laugh. 0.97

00:20:26.000 But this wasn't funny.

00:20:27.000 And my brother, my poor little brother, he was pretty shy at that age too, was mortified.

00:20:34.000 In a way, he was kind of an abandoned child because

00:20:38.000 He, I was 14 when he was born, and then I moved out four years later, so as a four-year-old, his dad, in quotation marks, left.

00:20:46.000 Now, my dad was a great dad, but when you have a brother that's 14 years younger, you kind of have two dads and a mom.

00:20:52.000 And I would play with him all the time, and then one day, poof, I was gone.

00:20:56.000 So I was worried if that made him so shy and kind of disturbed.

00:20:59.000 But anyway, everyone's laughing at him. 1.00

00:21:02.000 Ha ha ha, you loser! 1.00

00:21:04.000 And I remember masturbation when you're 10. 1.00

00:21:06.000 You don't know what it is, but you know it's fucking gross, and it's for losers. 1.00

00:21:13.000 It's worse than being gay. 1.00

00:21:15.000 It's just like a horrible thing that you've heard of, and you will swear to God you will never ever do, 1.00

00:21:21.000 But holy shit, anyone who does it, they're worse than going to hell. 1.00

00:21:25.000 It's like killing your mother and masturbating are the same thing. 1.00

00:21:28.000 And by the way, me and my brother have foreskins. 1.00

00:21:30.000 We don't need lube.

00:21:33.000 There's a hole in the plot right there. 0.99

00:21:35.000 Not that he was masturbating at the age of 10. 0.97

00:21:38.000 So they start laughing at him. 0.98

00:21:39.000 From that day forward, for the next two weeks, and this is day two, he is beyond pariah status, leper. 0.99

00:21:48.000 He's a leper. 0.96

00:21:50.000 They sing songs around the campfire. 0.91

00:21:51.000 He doesn't even sit in the circle.

00:21:53.000 He's sort of off at the edge like the elephant man.

00:21:57.000 He was the elephant man the whole time. 1.00

00:21:58.000 One time he's sleeping in a tent with a guy and as he's sleeping the guy punches him in the dick and says, you better not try to masturbate me. 0.99

00:22:06.000 So Kyle slept outside on the grass. 1.00

00:22:11.000 And the counselors didn't give a shit. 0.99

00:22:12.000 They knew this was going on. 0.99

00:22:13.000 I don't know if they thought it was funny or if this was considered hazing or what but they didn't know my brother well enough to justify this the most intense hazing imaginable.

00:22:24.000 So he lived in hell and then he came home and told my parents and I think they thought he was kidding.

00:22:29.000 I was 24 at the time. 1.00

00:22:31.000 I would have loved to go find those fuckers. 1.00

00:22:33.000 What about the one where they armed, they had a Down Syndrome? 1.00

00:22:36.000 That's another year!

00:22:37.000 So the next year, it's the same 14 year olds, they're 15 now and he's 11, and they, he's still ostracized, they set him up in a two-man tent with this kid with Down Syndrome, and one night he sees the kid with the Down Syndrome waving the knife back and forth.

00:22:56.000 And there's no way that that kid would have normally got that knife.

00:22:58.000 And he wasn't a violent kid.

00:23:00.000 He's just a special needs kid.

00:23:02.000 And he goes, he's sitting there going, Jerry, Jerry, put the knife down, put the knife down, calm down, calm down.

00:23:10.000 And this kid's like, he thinks the counselors gave the kid the knife.

00:23:16.000 So that's two years of hell, right?

00:23:19.000 And then he went to hockey camp that was just a day camp.

00:23:21.000 This is maybe when he was 12.

00:23:23.000 And I know what you're thinking when you hear all this.

00:23:25.000 You go, well Gavin doesn't have the full story. 0.98

00:23:27.000 His brother's probably a psycho that messes with people. 0.95

00:23:30.000 Look, I know my brother very well, clearly. 0.98

00:23:33.000 I was the first one who held him when he was born.

00:23:37.000 He's been in a lot of fights, but they were always in self-defense or helping someone out in trouble.

00:23:37.000 I know the guy.

00:23:45.000 He can fight, but he's not a violent person at all.

00:23:48.000 Not a malicious bone in his body.

00:23:50.000 Very nice, groovy guy.

00:23:51.000 Everything's easygoing.

00:23:53.000 Doesn't want trouble.

00:23:54.000 One of those kind of guys.

00:23:55.000 He's not into playing devil's advocate or messing with people.

00:23:59.000 He's not evil like me.

00:24:03.000 So he's at hockey camp and some guy just decides he hates his guts.

00:24:07.000 It might have been because he was so shy he seemed like a good victim.

00:24:11.000 And those kind of people, you know, they draw out the malicious sadists who want to see someone suffer and not get beat up for it.

00:24:21.000 When I said he fights, I was talking about in his teen years.

00:24:23.000 This is in his early days, there was no, none of that.

00:24:25.000 So anyway, he's in the water swimming, and he feels this guy grab him and sort of push him down under, and then he's in the shallow end.

00:24:33.000 The guy has his foot on my brother's neck!

00:24:36.000 And he goes, this is the closest I ever came to dying in my life.

00:24:40.000 And so he's felt himself starting to black out, and it was going from uh-oh to, you know, serenity.

00:24:47.000 And so he bit the guy's foot,

00:24:49.000 He gets out of the water, the guy punches him in the back of the head as he walks away.

00:24:54.000 So my poor petrified brother, I guess he's 12 at this time, he's sitting there going, this guy's gonna try to kill me.

00:24:59.000 Well, he is!

00:25:01.000 And you know, there are, it's mind-bogglingly rare, but there are examples of kids killing kids.

00:25:07.000 So he goes, this is one of those weird examples of a kid that's gonna kill a kid.

00:25:11.000 My buddy Trevor Coles, when I was I think 13, was murdered by a fellow kid.

00:25:18.000 Drowned in our little creek by this Nepean sportsplex. 0.98

00:25:22.000 This would be 1983. 1.00

00:25:24.000 Anyway, my brother goes, I have to kill him. 1.00

00:25:27.000 He's going to kill me. 0.99

00:25:28.000 So when you play hockey, there's only one spot that's really vulnerable and it's behind your knees.

00:25:35.000 So my brother on the rink comes up behind him and just with all the power of almighty Thor, he just... 0.86

00:25:44.000 Smashes the back of this guy's knees probably severs tendons just destroys The guy's knees and he had to leave the camp after that he never came back and the counselors didn't give him shit again These are different counselors than the Vaseline guys though. 1.00

00:25:58.000 That was Boy Scouts. 0.99

00:25:59.000 This is hockey camp I think they knew that kid was a fucked up little sadist so they didn't persecute my brother but 0.99

00:26:08.000 My brother was known as the violent weirdo who murders people for the rest of the camp, so they totally avoided him like the plague. 0.98

00:26:14.000 So, that's three years of camp, two of them sleep away, one of them day camp, and he was an unspeakable pariah elephant man leper for all three. 0.99

00:26:25.000 Poor bastard. 0.98

00:26:27.000 So that's hazing gone too far. 0.99

00:26:30.000 But I think some ribbing, like in the old days with the kitchen industry, you would get verbally abused, that was a given, but they'd also do things like lock you in the freezer.

00:26:44.000 And they don't do that anymore.

00:26:45.000 And that was a good lesson, the locked in the freezer. 0.99

00:26:48.000 It was showing chefs that their job sucks. 0.99

00:26:51.000 It's hell. 0.98

00:26:52.000 And there's times when you're, I think they call it in the juice, whatever the lunch rush is called.

00:26:58.000 In a rush where it's hell so you need to be that's why they're all cocaine addicts you need to be on your game and part of that is roughing people up you know you can't do in the military anymore even the Knights of Columbus I have to tread lightly because we're not allowed to talk about what goes on at our meetups but um there's three there's four degrees in the Knights of Columbus and the first degree I think is fraternity

00:27:22.000 And the ceremony for, oh no, the first degree is an easy one.

00:27:26.000 I think it's the third degree that's the heavy one.

00:27:28.000 And the ceremony for the third degree, suffice to say, it was a lot more dangerous 15 years ago than it is now.

00:27:38.000 If you're a third degree knight, we can talk about it if I ever meet you.

00:27:41.000 You're not only allowed to talk about things to other knights that are in your same degree.

00:27:46.000 And I love meeting third degree knights, because I love bitching and moaning about 0.66

00:27:52.000 What's happened in that ceremony?

00:27:54.000 And it's political correctness infecting everything.

00:27:58.000 All right, so what was that now?

00:27:59.000 Number one was don't eat in a group. 1.00

00:28:03.000 Number two was take a lot of shit. 1.00

00:28:10.000 And I included booze and all kinds of stuff in there. 1.00

00:28:13.000 Let's jump to be fun.

00:28:19.000 This is actually how to pick up chicks. 1.00

00:28:21.000 The way you get laid as a young man is you basically be gay. 1.00

00:28:28.000 Now there is a time when you have to turn it on and make it clear you want to fuck her or you're going to end up in the friend zone. 1.00

00:28:35.000 Don't do that at the beginning, but don't do that at your apartment. 0.98

00:28:39.000 The worst thing you can do is get a girl back to your apartment on the auspices of friendship where you're like, hey, want to smoke a giant? 0.65

00:28:47.000 And pretend you're her buddy and then you have to do that weird thing where you're both sitting on the couch and you go, yeah.

00:28:53.000 Well, that's the way it is.

00:28:58.000 You slowly turn your head towards her.

00:29:02.000 You meet eyes and then you slowly lunge forward.

00:29:09.000 Pucker your lips and then she retracts her head like a turtle going back into its shell. 0.84

00:29:14.000 And she goes, yeah. 0.99

00:29:16.000 And that's fucking embarrassing. 0.98

00:29:19.000 And the only way to get out of that is some sort of joke like I was kidding. 0.99

00:29:22.000 I didn't did not want to kiss you at all.

00:29:24.000 So I'm glad I'm glad that didn't work out.

00:29:28.000 That's your only hope there.

00:29:30.000 So here's my pickup artist tips.

00:29:33.000 At the very beginning of the courtship, just make it fun.

00:29:36.000 Oh, I'm out with a bunch of buddies.

00:29:36.000 Hey, what are you doing?

00:29:37.000 Oh, you should come over here.

00:29:38.000 Be with people.

00:29:39.000 Be doing fun stuff.

00:29:41.000 Yeah, you should come over.

00:29:42.000 Yeah, the Jane's Addiction are doing a surprise concert here.

00:29:45.000 It's like a weird reunion.

00:29:46.000 It's fun.

00:29:47.000 You should come over. 0.97

00:29:49.000 I don't care if you don't, though, because I got my own shit going on. 0.79

00:29:52.000 I'm having so much fun. 0.99

00:29:55.000 And then after maybe a couple beers, you can say, Oh my God, you are so fucking hot. 0.96

00:30:00.000 It's insane. 0.97

00:30:02.000 What's it like?

00:30:03.000 I want to be as hot as you.

00:30:04.000 You're so hot.

00:30:05.000 I'm jealous because you walk into a room and every man must feel like I feel right now where you just want to marry her. 1.00

00:30:15.000 I couldn't imagine me walking into a room and a bunch of women going, Oh my God, look at that fucking guy. 0.99

00:30:19.000 I want him so bad. 1.00

00:30:20.000 That's funny.

00:30:21.000 So now you've made it clear that you want her.

00:30:23.000 So then if she, you go, Hey, let's share a cab. 0.78

00:30:25.000 And then you want to come up and smoke a joint or whatever.

00:30:28.000 Uh, now it's already been established that you want her.

00:30:31.000 So when you do that first sort of, it's the same guy that was at the bar.

00:30:37.000 You've made it very clear where you're coming from, but don't make that clear out of the gate.

00:30:42.000 And

00:30:43.000 At the very initial courtship, it's just about, you're a fun guy looking for a pal.

00:30:52.000 And guys can be there, girls can be there, I don't care. 0.95

00:30:55.000 I'm just Johnny Fun Pants.

00:30:56.000 Meanwhile, you're lying.

00:30:59.000 I once met an enforcer for a loan shark in Montreal.

00:31:02.000 He was a Russian guy.

00:31:03.000 He's in prison now for double homicide.

00:31:06.000 But his advice was,

00:31:10.000 I've told this story a million times, but I love it. 0.99

00:31:12.000 He goes, yes, when you're liking girl and she treats you like shit, she say, you know, you have dinner plans. 0.99

00:31:24.000 And she goes, oh, I can't make it. 0.99

00:31:26.000 And you say, no problem, everything is fine, you know.

00:31:30.000 She come over, she late, she cancel things.

00:31:34.000 Maybe she come over and you try to kiss her and she say she's on period and she's not in the mood.

00:31:40.000 You say, no problem, and you rent movie.

00:31:43.000 Everything's cool.

00:31:44.000 Maybe sometime, you know, you see her at bar and she's talking to another guy.

00:31:49.000 And you say, oh well, I'll catch you later.

00:31:53.000 You know, that keeps going on.

00:31:56.000 I'm making him sound like he's 110.

00:31:57.000 Yeah.

00:31:59.000 He was.

00:31:59.000 That's how wise he was.

00:32:01.000 And then, you know, eventually you talk to this girl and you make love and she's starting to take it serious.

00:32:10.000 And then one day she will look at you and she will say, I love you. 1.00

00:32:16.000 And the second she does that, you turn that bitch over, and you fuck her in the ass, and you punish her for the bullshit she put you through! 1.00

00:32:24.000 Wow. 1.00

00:32:29.000 That's a little hyperbolic, but I get his premise.

00:32:33.000 I get his general idea.

00:32:35.000 It's actually the same with intercourse. 0.74

00:32:38.000 You know, like cunnilingus.

00:32:39.000 You want to take it easy, nice and slow.

00:32:41.000 It's very difficult, cunnilingus. 0.98

00:32:45.000 You want to take it slow and, you know, not be a pig at the trough. 1.00

00:32:48.000 I wrote the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. 1.00

00:32:49.000 You can look that up. 0.94

00:32:51.000 Makes me feel uncomfortable to discuss now for some reason.

00:32:55.000 So that's number three.

00:32:57.000 Be fun.

00:32:59.000 Now, number four.

00:33:03.000 Wear classics.

00:33:06.000 Now here is my fashion advice.

00:33:09.000 I understand if you're not a homo like me and you don't love shopping and you don't like coming up with an idea for a new look, I'm going to be like Johnny Cash guy this winter. 0.96

00:33:19.000 I'm going to wear all blacks. 1.00

00:33:21.000 And that's what I, about every five years I go, you know what?

00:33:23.000 I'm going to just wear black all the time now.

00:33:26.000 Yeah.

00:33:26.000 Like a black dress shirt and a black corduroy blazer and black jeans and black boots.

00:33:30.000 I'm going to be black guy.

00:33:32.000 And then I look down and I see beard dandruff that makes it look like I'm wearing a actually a gray shirt and not a black shirt.

00:33:41.000 And that's when I go, Oh yeah, that's why I'm not black guy. 0.92

00:33:44.000 Cause it makes your dandruff very visible. 0.98

00:33:46.000 And then you abandon that, but you don't have dandruff. 0.94

00:33:49.000 So if you're not a complete homosexual, like I am when it comes to fashion, that's totally normal, totally reasonable. 0.94

00:33:59.000 I get it.

00:34:01.000 I'm not a pro skateboarder.

00:34:03.000 That's not my bag.

00:34:04.000 I don't know anything about sports except for a little bit about the Mets.

00:34:08.000 I don't get involved in that.

00:34:08.000 You guys want to talk about sports and who got traded?

00:34:11.000 I'll just quietly sit back and relax.

00:34:13.000 But if you are one of those dudes, go with the classics.

00:34:20.000 Go with the basics.

00:34:22.000 Go with the tried and tested things.

00:34:23.000 Like, for example, if you're at a restaurant and you don't know what to order, you get a cheeseburger, medium rare, cheddar cheese.

00:34:31.000 Lettuce and tomato, please.

00:34:32.000 Boom.

00:34:33.000 That's what you should eat if you don't know what to eat.

00:34:35.000 And if you don't know what to wear, then you start with the shoes, because the shoes make the man.

00:34:40.000 And you have Chuck Taylors.

00:34:42.000 Now, you can't have any color but white after the age of 27. 0.86

00:34:48.000 Like, black chucks on a 32-year-old are downright embarrassing.

00:34:52.000 What, do you shop at the CBGB store? 0.97

00:34:55.000 Are you in the Ramones?

00:34:56.000 No.

00:34:56.000 You're an old man.

00:34:58.000 It's like having a band on your shirt. 1.00

00:34:59.000 No one gives a shit what music you listen to. 0.95

00:35:02.000 Don't have anything on your shirt after 25. 1.00

00:35:04.000 I care what a 20-year-old wants to listen to.

00:35:07.000 I might want to look it up.

00:35:08.000 Who's this, uh... Who's this Lil Xan everyone's talking about? 0.86

00:35:13.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:35:14.000 What's that called?

00:35:15.000 Xanax rap?

00:35:16.000 Oh, cute.

00:35:18.000 But no one wants to hear what I like to listen to.

00:35:20.000 I like to listen to a band called The Rolling Stones.

00:35:22.000 Want to hear about it?

00:35:23.000 No!

00:35:25.000 So for shoes, for sneakers, you got Chuck Taylors, you got Vans Eras, you have the classic Air Jordans, which are probably too expensive for you.

00:35:34.000 You have Clark's Desert Boots, just the classic ones, nothing fancy.

00:35:39.000 You want to go crazy, you can get some Rod Lavers.

00:35:41.000 Do not wear shell toes, you're not in Run DMC.

00:35:45.000 As far as boots go, you have Red Wings with the white sole, the black ones.

00:35:49.000 Maybe brown ones if you're really square, but no one loves you if you got brown shoes.

00:35:53.000 Here's a song by Dr. Nemetics, and it's true.

00:35:56.000 That Red Wing makes great shoes now that have those same white soles.

00:36:00.000 You can get the sole replaced every year, because they tend to go down pretty fast.

00:36:03.000 It takes them about a year to break in.

00:36:05.000 Then stop!

00:36:07.000 Oh, and then for shoes!

00:36:08.000 Okay, for dress shoes, this is a biggie. 1.00

00:36:11.000 J.Crew has these wingtips that are $350, which sounds mental, and I can hear you saying fuck you right through the podcast right now. 0.99

00:36:21.000 Those shoes will last you for the rest of your life. 0.99

00:36:23.000 You go get them shined, they're brand new.

00:36:25.000 The sole will wear out every couple years.

00:36:27.000 It's barely a hundred bucks to have a sole replaced.

00:36:30.000 Usually it's about eighty bucks.

00:36:31.000 And now you have one pair of shoes for life.

00:36:33.000 That's your dress shoes. 1.00

00:36:34.000 Don't wear Ryan's stupid square-toed shoes. 1.00

00:36:38.000 They make you look like a mess head who got arrested for drunk driving and is trying to get his life together. 1.00

00:36:43.000 I don't like those shoes.

00:36:45.000 Where did you get those shoes, Aldo? 0.99

00:36:48.000 Well, it was for my restaurant job, so they were getting all dirty and shit. 0.97

00:36:51.000 I respect dress shoes, and I just never had a pair, because I... Yeah, get black J.Crew wingtips, take the hit, and you'll have them for the rest of your life. 0.92

00:37:01.000 And then for light-colored suits, wear, you know, light beige desert boots.

00:37:06.000 And the beauty of light beige desert boots is they last for one billion years.

00:37:10.000 And they look the same.

00:37:11.000 They don't wear out.

00:37:13.000 My problem with Rod Lavers is,

00:37:15.000 In a very short amount of time, they start to crumple up like a ballerina slipper.

00:37:19.000 And they don't look good.

00:37:20.000 A lot of shoes are like that.

00:37:21.000 They look great on the first day, like Adidas Gazelles.

00:37:24.000 They look great day one.

00:37:25.000 Beastie Boys shoes.

00:37:26.000 And then they slowly start to get crumpled and lose their shape.

00:37:30.000 So don't stray from that.

00:37:31.000 And then as far as pants go, I'm a big J.Crew guy, they have great basics, but Levi's.

00:37:36.000 And don't have a weird cut.

00:37:39.000 You should be able to fit, as far as your ankle goes, you should be able to fit, squeeze a fist in.

00:37:46.000 To the bottom of your pants. 0.99

00:37:48.000 So make a fist, squeeze that into the bottom of your pants, and that's how, you know, you don't want skinny jeans, but you don't want these big stupid fat pants. 0.98

00:37:56.000 And my fellow blue collars tend to have really wide, almost bell-bottoms these days, and way too long. 0.98

00:38:04.000 Stop that.

00:38:06.000 And then for the shirts, you got some nice wool-rich flannels.

00:38:09.000 I'm talking about people who aren't into fashion, by the way. 0.99

00:38:12.000 Now what drives me nuts about these goddamn college students is they're at the aesthetic peak of their life, they're getting the most sex ever, and that might be the problem is they're spoiled. 0.98

00:38:21.000 But that's when you can be the Johnny Cash guy and only listen to country records on a turntable or something. 0.99

00:38:27.000 That's when you can have all these affectations and be a dude.

00:38:30.000 But what do they do?

00:38:31.000 They wear a shirt they found in the garbage.

00:38:33.000 It's so frustrating.

00:38:34.000 So, fashion is not important.

00:38:34.000 What a waste.

00:38:35.000 And if you don't get involved, at least show up.

00:38:35.000 It's a game.

00:38:36.000 It's like Halloween.

00:38:58.000 If you're not gonna choose an awesome costume, at least be a ghost or Frankenstein or something.

00:39:03.000 Show up to the party.

00:39:05.000 You're not going to hell if you don't dress well.

00:39:08.000 But, uh... It's just a bummer.

00:39:11.000 It's like the guy who shows up at a Halloween party in a sweater.

00:39:14.000 What are you doing, dude?

00:39:15.000 You're too cool?

00:39:17.000 And then jackets, you have your classic jean jacket.

00:39:20.000 Don't, obviously, wear a jean jacket with jeans, but if you've got normal, you know, blue pants on, you can wear a jean jacket and then a navy peacoat for the winter.

00:39:29.000 I try to avoid a hat.

00:39:32.000 And there's other rules too, like you can't, I'm anti-shorts, you can wear shorts if it's over 83 degrees.

00:39:42.000 That's Fahrenheit, you Canadians.

00:39:44.000 Actually, once we get up above 90, all bets are off.

00:39:47.000 I'm very anti-flip-flop, but if it's 100 degrees and you're in Arizona, I'm not going to chastise you.

00:39:55.000 I like that Italian town where it's illegal to wear flip-flops.

00:39:59.000 They just announced that because too many people were slipping on the big hills.

00:40:02.000 I love that town.

00:40:02.000 I want to move there.

00:40:04.000 But I'm not gonna kill you if you wear flip-flops.

00:40:07.000 I will tell you, I will never wear flip-flops in one billion years.

00:40:10.000 Yes, you can find footage of me wearing them in the past.

00:40:12.000 I've learned from my mistakes. 0.99

00:40:14.000 And I will never, ever wear fucking flip-flops. 0.99

00:40:17.000 Ever. 0.98

00:40:18.000 Even when I go to the beach.

00:40:19.000 I wear my chucks to the beach.

00:40:21.000 On the hot sand.

00:40:22.000 And then when I get to my spot, I take off my shoes.

00:40:25.000 Even at the hotel pool.

00:40:26.000 Sometimes I'll just go barefoot to the hotel pool.

00:40:28.000 Or I'll wear my chucks.

00:40:29.000 I do not wear shower shoes. 1.00

00:40:31.000 God damn it! 1.00

00:40:33.000 What are you kids today doing with your goddamn shower shoes? 1.00

00:40:37.000 I've seen you in fights. 1.00

00:40:39.000 The first shove, they're gone. 0.95

00:40:40.000 And then you're fighting with those little black sockettes. 1.00

00:40:44.000 How the fuck did we get here? 0.99

00:40:46.000 Gigantic shorts that are just basically a dress. 0.99

00:40:49.000 Those basketball shorts that are so big that they look exactly like a silk kilt with a champion logo on them.

00:40:57.000 And then sockettes, which are what little girls wear. 1.00

00:41:01.000 And then Gucci shower shoes.

00:41:05.000 How many things are wrong with that?

00:41:07.000 If you're gonna wear shorts, wear short shorts.

00:41:09.000 Yeah, you heard me. 0.96

00:41:12.000 Big, long, baggy shorts that go below your knee are homophobic. 1.00

00:41:15.000 Because what you're saying is, I'm not a fucking fag. 1.00

00:41:18.000 Well, be a fag. 1.00

00:41:20.000 Wear short shorts, show off your legs, show off your bulge. 1.00

00:41:24.000 That's a man's cleavage. 1.00

00:41:25.000 You should have short shorts, show off your gorgeous legs, and show off your bulge. 1.00

00:41:30.000 Now, there is a problem with socks. 1.00

00:41:33.000 Socks and shoes with shorts looks really stupid. 0.97

00:41:36.000 So one option is those weird sock hats that no one can see. 0.97

00:41:40.000 That's like if a tree falls in the woods and it doesn't, and nobody's there to hear it, does it really make a sound?

00:41:45.000 I don't want to hear about you wearing those.

00:41:47.000 Never be seen wearing those. 0.88

00:41:48.000 That's your dirty little secret.

00:41:49.000 If you take a girl home and you have those sock hat things that are so low that they don't even come up on van slip-ons. 0.93

00:41:57.000 Oh, that's another good shoe you can wear, van slip-ons.

00:42:00.000 Say you take a girl home and it's time to take off your shoes. 0.96

00:42:04.000 Crumple those up and stick them in the shoe.

00:42:06.000 Those are a man's sanitary napkins. 0.98

00:42:09.000 If you're gonna throw them away, wrap them up in toilet paper and put them in the garbage.

00:42:12.000 Don't flush the toilet with them. 0.66

00:42:14.000 It's like walking around with a butt plug in all day, and nobody knows about it. 0.99

00:42:18.000 You should be ashamed of yourself. 0.99

00:42:21.000 If no one ever sees it, if no one ever sees your anal beads, and they don't know that you had them in during a meeting, then there's no harm, no foul. 0.99

00:42:29.000 You take a girl back to your apartment, sit on the toilet, poop them out, try to flush them. 1.00

00:42:33.000 If not, that's your... I like jean short shorts, and the way I get away with no socks, I don't do that thing, but just a little floof of talc.

00:42:41.000 Just a little poof of talc in the morning, it lasts all day.

00:42:44.000 And Vans Eras and low-cut white chucks, like Hunter S. Thompson used to wear, they don't get slimy.

00:42:53.000 You just like poof, a little thing of talc, you put it in the heel and then you tip the shoe forward, it fills the whole foot, boom.

00:43:00.000 Now, that's another problem with going to a girl's house, you take off your shoes and you have ghost feet. 1.00

00:43:06.000 You have Casper toes.

00:43:08.000 So in that case, when you kick off your feet, your shoes, either make sure the lights are off or rub your foot with your hands, your greasy palms.

00:43:17.000 And, um, and, uh, you won't have Casper toes.

00:43:22.000 How are we doing for time here?

00:43:23.000 I'm only at number five.

00:43:24.000 We're at 45 minutes.

00:43:25.000 Okay.

00:43:26.000 Okay.

00:43:26.000 Cause I also want to get in the mail bag fighting.

00:43:31.000 When should one fight? 0.64

00:43:34.000 You're weak if something someone says makes you punch them in the face. 1.00

00:43:39.000 You should be witty enough, even shit about your mother. 1.00

00:43:42.000 Oh no, I'm getting that thing again. 0.99

00:43:47.000 My computer's been doing this thing where it just keeps hitting the hyphen key.

00:43:53.000 And the only way for me to stop it is to shut down the computer.

00:43:59.000 Shickity shazbot, say what? 1.00

00:44:01.000 This is hip-hop.

00:44:03.000 I'll just take a picture of what I was saying, and I will just close that.

00:44:08.000 Don't save.

00:44:10.000 Listen to it going.

00:44:12.000 Shut down.

00:44:16.000 This is one of those things that seems minor, and then you end up needing a new computer.

00:44:20.000 Because the key is not stuck!

00:44:22.000 All right, excuse me.

00:44:23.000 So fighting!

00:44:25.000 When should you fight?

00:44:27.000 Someone says something about your mother or your immediate family.

00:44:31.000 I understand you losing it, but technically you should be able to keep it in control and you should be able to come back with them with equally harsh insults.

00:44:41.000 Like, you sure care a lot about my mother.

00:44:43.000 Or you insult his mother and let him go off.

00:44:47.000 But exchanging blows for words is a sign of weakness.

00:44:51.000 And I understand, you know, if someone talks about your mother or your wife or your kids, you're gonna lose it.

00:44:55.000 I understand that.

00:44:56.000 But there is zero excuse for any other insult. 1.00

00:44:59.000 Hey, fag! 1.00

00:45:00.000 Someone calls you a fag and you punch them? 1.00

00:45:02.000 What are you, a loser? 1.00

00:45:05.000 Come back with something funny! 0.98

00:45:07.000 I'm not going to sit here and list witty retorts, but I like to say things like, why are you making your problem my problem, or look at you, or I, my forte is do's and don'ts type stuff, so I can make fun of how they look.

00:45:20.000 You know what I went with, but I never tried it? 1.00

00:45:22.000 It's like, how are we going to be friends if you're going to be such an asshole like this? 1.00

00:45:24.000 Oh, that's a good one, yeah. 1.00

00:45:26.000 How are we supposed to be friends?

00:45:27.000 You know what I developed naturally, almost against my will, is I just start laughing.

00:45:33.000 That could take it to a complete different level, though.

00:45:36.000 No, it disarms them.

00:45:37.000 And I didn't invent this.

00:45:38.000 My brain did.

00:45:39.000 I remember I was at one police plaza in Manhattan, lower Manhattan, trying to get a gun license.

00:45:45.000 And no, no, I was there to get a ride along where you ride with cops. 0.96

00:45:50.000 And this Puerto Rican weirdo ex-con from Rikers, who probably spent half his life at Rikers, we're on the lineup and he's got this weird military shit, like a military 1.00

00:46:02.000 Backpack and then a big canteen that you'd have in Vietnam. 0.96

00:46:06.000 So I think he's homeless and insane and So we're on the lineup and then there's some sort of emergency and everyone has to leave the area Temporarily while they figure it out and then we're allowed back in so this was a tent that was outside one police plaza and It's there to sort of screen people and there's a metal detector and it's enclosed I guess because of the weather so

00:46:27.000 We all leave, and then we come back, and I notice now he's in front of me in the line, or he's behind me in the line.

00:46:33.000 And I go, hey, buddy, usually the custom is when you leave, everyone resumes their place in the line.

00:46:39.000 You don't get to jump to in front.

00:46:41.000 He goes, oh, what now? 1.00

00:46:43.000 You want to do this, motherfucker? 1.00

00:46:44.000 You want to do this? 1.00

00:46:46.000 And I go, and I just smile. 0.99

00:46:49.000 I'm scared shitless, by the way, because I can tell this man's insane. 0.53

00:46:52.000 And then he's looking at his, I have a soccer scarf on. 0.93

00:46:56.000 It's a fake team called Chinatown. 0.98

00:46:59.000 It was this thing, I think, that a New York thing, anything, put out.

00:47:04.000 Aaron Banderov, A-Ron.

00:47:07.000 It was this fake soccer team.

00:47:09.000 So it looks like a British soccer scarf, but it's not, it's just made up.

00:47:12.000 And he goes, oh yeah, you think you're more British than me? 1.00

00:47:14.000 I'm more British than you, motherfucker! 1.00

00:47:17.000 Which is the weirdest insult for a Puerto Rican to say to a guy born in England, what was he talking about? 1.00

00:47:23.000 I guess that's a hood thing I'm not familiar with.

00:47:23.000 I'm more British than you?

00:47:26.000 He says he's more British than me.

00:47:28.000 And I think he said he has a bigger mustache.

00:47:31.000 I mean, he had no facial hair.

00:47:32.000 I didn't understand it.

00:47:32.000 I don't know.

00:47:33.000 It's probably prison talk.

00:47:36.000 And I go, that's what's good.

00:47:37.000 And I start sort of fake laughing. 0.96

00:47:38.000 I'm shitting my pants.

00:47:39.000 But I'm like, that's what we're going to do here. 0.97

00:47:41.000 We're going to throw down at one police plaza with all these cops here. 1.00

00:47:44.000 He's like, I don't give a fuck, nigga. 1.00

00:47:46.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:47:48.000 And I just sort of rolled my eyes like I was bored of fighting. 0.99

00:47:52.000 And I don't want to do it today because I'm not going back to jail.

00:47:54.000 Meanwhile, I'm pooping my panties. 0.99

00:47:58.000 He goes through the metal detector and I said to the cop there, I go, this guy, cause I overheard him say, I'm here for a fucking gun license. 0.99

00:48:06.000 And I said to the cop, that guy's here for a gun license. 0.93

00:48:08.000 And almost without looking at me, the cop goes, yeah, he's not getting the gun license.

00:48:13.000 Anyway, there's a million ways to defuse a fight, and you don't want to fight. 0.99

00:48:19.000 If you win, you feel like shit, because you beat the crap out of someone. 0.98

00:48:22.000 If you lose, you're in pain for four days. 1.00

00:48:25.000 The only time you feel good is if it's for a noble cause, like someone hits a woman at a bar.

00:48:30.000 And you definitely see this, definitely a... Those I like.

00:48:37.000 And those feel good after.

00:48:39.000 Or defending yourself when someone hits you first, and then you knock them out.

00:48:42.000 I've never knocked anyone out, but that must feel fucking awesome.

00:48:47.000 Part of my SPLC lawsuit, by the way, is they talk about how violent I am and how I said violence solves everything. 0.55

00:48:54.000 No, I said fighting solves everything, and that is a common saying in the boxing community.

00:49:00.000 Almost every gym says it.

00:49:01.000 Look it up.

00:49:02.000 It's t-shirts, it's bumper stickers.

00:49:04.000 It's a saying, and it's true. 1.00

00:49:07.000 And it's pretty healthy for a man to have been in some fights.

00:49:10.000 You know, especially as a young man, because the second you get punched in the nose, it flicks a switch in your head where you go, oh, actions have consequences.

00:49:22.000 Oh, I can't do that.

00:49:24.000 I can't light a guy's hair on fire as a joke.

00:49:27.000 He doesn't think that's funny, even though we put it out pretty quickly. 1.00

00:49:30.000 Uh, oh, you can't fuck with people. 0.99

00:49:34.000 I get it now. 1.00

00:49:35.000 And you can always tell by the way people act whether they've been punched in the face a lot. 0.99

00:49:38.000 And that's why you see women at demonstrations and stuff going, what, bitch? 1.00

00:49:42.000 You little bitch! 1.00

00:49:43.000 You go, you've clearly never been punched in the face, and you probably shouldn't be punched in the face. 1.00

00:49:46.000 You're a lady. 0.99

00:49:48.000 But guys, guys who have been in a lot of fights, they always have that same very polite tone, they talk about this all the time, where they don't want any trouble, please, let's work it out.

00:49:57.000 That guy's willing to fight to the death if he really wants to work it out, because he doesn't want to go to jail and he doesn't want to break all your ribs and knock you out.

00:50:05.000 Remember that kid that your brother Miles did a video on this kid that confronted a MAGA hat wearer and he's telling the story like he as if he got into a fight like with the same gusto of like and so he oh yeah I stared at him I stared him down yeah and that guy's idea of a brawl an all-out brawl was him looking at someone and that guy looking back at him

00:50:27.000 Yeah, the fact that his testosterone glands are swelling up at that, so it's like, it's really sad.

00:50:32.000 That's why I got into that fight in New Paltz, because I was doing him a favor by, uh, he interjected in my conversation, and then, um, then he, I called his bluff on something, and then he smiled as I was getting kicked out of the bar.

00:50:45.000 And I was like, you know what, dude?

00:50:47.000 You're gonna learn a very important lesson tonight, my friend.

00:50:50.000 And he did.

00:50:51.000 And how did that go down now?

00:50:51.000 And it was awesome.

00:50:53.000 So he was just laughing at you, and then you punched him in the face?

00:50:55.000 That goes against what I was just saying.

00:50:57.000 No, I was talking to my friend, and then him and his friend interjected, and then we were just going back and forth verbally, and then for some reason the bar back, collecting glasses outside, was like, hey dude, you gotta leave.

00:51:12.000 I was like, alright, I guess I'm being louder.

00:51:14.000 And the guy's smiling at me, he's like, yeah, bye bye, smiling at me, and I was like,

00:51:19.000 I was like, okay, I'll meet you outside, because he was talking a big game, so I was like, all right, I will meet you outside, I will be out there, and I was.

00:51:25.000 And it went from wrestling to the only punch I've ever thrown, basically.

00:51:31.000 It was so good, it was like, this is the first punch of my life.

00:51:34.000 It was just square in the nose.

00:51:35.000 You got into fights in school, grade school as a kid.

00:51:37.000 Yeah, I know, but this was like the punch of all punches, like right in his face.

00:51:41.000 His head was cradled in my left arm, and I just went,

00:51:45.000 Oh, so you had him sort of... It was brutal.

00:51:47.000 Yeah.

00:51:47.000 ...scooped.

00:51:48.000 He was holding it.

00:51:48.000 It was brutal.

00:51:49.000 It was like cleaning out a pineapple.

00:51:51.000 You just had it all scooped in there, or a pumpkin.

00:51:53.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 And by that time, I had been cheap-shotted by a woman, did nothing about it, and then he grabbed me, and then I was wrestled to the ground.

00:51:59.000 What's cheap-shotted?

00:52:00.000 Like slapped in the face?

00:52:01.000 Yeah, I was squaring off with him, and then his girl was like to my left, and then she hit me. 1.00

00:52:06.000 And then when she went up to the second one, I just put my arm up.

00:52:09.000 And that time he's like, don't hit her and he grabs me.

00:52:11.000 He could have hit me.

00:52:12.000 He just like grabbed my shirt.

00:52:14.000 So we're wrestling on the ground. 0.99

00:52:15.000 Then I start getting punched by his other guy friend while I'm on the fucking floor. 0.97

00:52:19.000 I was like, all right, you know, so we get to our feet cause the cops are there. 0.98

00:52:23.000 And then while we get to our feet, his head is like cradled in my, my, my arms.

00:52:29.000 Square in the nose, dude.

00:52:30.000 It was felt so... I feel good talking about it right now.

00:52:33.000 It was so good.

00:52:34.000 Yeah, it's justified violence.

00:52:36.000 He started it. 1.00

00:52:37.000 He really was just quite the cunt. 1.00

00:52:37.000 He did. 1.00

00:52:41.000 But we're here giving advice, so that's an easy time.

00:52:44.000 That's an easy situation where it sort of spelled itself out.

00:52:48.000 But what if some huge dude wants to fight you in a bar, and it's looking really bad, and you can't talk him out of it?

00:52:54.000 What did I do? 0.98

00:52:55.000 I would headbutt him in the bar. 1.00

00:52:58.000 Punch him. 1.00

00:52:59.000 Lots of flailing. 0.99

00:53:00.000 Right.

00:53:01.000 Because the beauty of a fight in a bar is it gets broken up.

00:53:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:07.000 Because your fear is like you're knocked unconscious and then he's bashing your head against the cement outside and girls are crying and you're dying.

00:53:14.000 You don't want that.

00:53:15.000 You want it to get broken up fast.

00:53:17.000 So in both cases, whether it's some psycho who just wants to fight you for no reason, fight him in the bar and he'll get broken up.

00:53:23.000 Or if you see a guy slapping some girl, then fight him in the bar and you'll get to punch him and it'll get broken up and that'll be that. 0.71

00:53:32.000 It's a tactic.

00:53:34.000 You're not super proud of it, but you're using what you got.

00:53:37.000 Here's a tough one.

00:53:38.000 You're on the subway in New York. 0.97

00:53:41.000 Seven 19-year-old black kids from the hood are antagonizing some woman, and they punch her in the face. 0.97

00:53:48.000 Jesus. 0.98

00:53:51.000 You have to jump in.

00:53:52.000 You pretend you're a cop.

00:53:55.000 I tried that.

00:53:56.000 You're pretending to off do a cop. 0.99

00:53:57.000 They don't give a shit about cops. 0.99

00:53:59.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

00:54:00.000 I tried that once. 0.91

00:54:01.000 I tried that with CRTV when we were surrounded with these black kids who were going to take our equipment. 1.00

00:54:06.000 And I said, hey guys, wake up. 0.93

00:54:08.000 Cops review television.

00:54:10.000 That's what the CRTV stands for. 1.00

00:54:12.000 Like, fuck you nigga. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

00:54:14.000 I remember you told me, didn't they have balloons?

00:54:16.000 Yeah, I think they had balloons.

00:54:19.000 Yeah, they had balloons.

00:54:20.000 The Mylar balloons.

00:54:21.000 I remember you told me that.

00:54:23.000 And you went to Anthony's show after that.

00:54:24.000 Yeah, yeah, that was it.

00:54:26.000 So no, I don't think you can.

00:54:28.000 That's just the worst case scenario on earth.

00:54:30.000 Yeah, I don't know what I would do.

00:54:31.000 And if you don't do anything, well, you've basically committed a crime.

00:54:34.000 You're going to hate yourself for the rest of life.

00:54:36.000 And if you do do something, you're risking getting stabbed.

00:54:38.000 I think you pray.

00:54:41.000 You, that's when you just, you go to a phone booth and you change into your Superman costume and then you come back and say, gentlemen, take it easy.

00:54:49.000 I got an idea.

00:54:49.000 Yeah.

00:54:50.000 You just become 17 black, 17 year olds and then you fuck them up. 1.00

00:54:55.000 That's what I would do. 1.00

00:54:59.000 So that's fighting.

00:55:00.000 I think it's important to go to boxing gyms, but not to learn how to defend yourself in a street brawl.

00:55:07.000 In fact, there's probably a lot better, like Crab McGraw, there's probably a million, Judo, there's probably a million better things that would help you in street fights.

00:55:16.000 I think boxing is great for your mental health.

00:55:19.000 And it just makes you a better person.

00:55:23.000 It just relieves stress and sometimes when you're in the gym, it's almost like you can feel poison coming out of your pores.

00:55:29.000 And that's all the anxiety and stress and bad thoughts and negativity.

00:55:34.000 You feel it like sweating out of your body.

00:55:38.000 And that's very cathartic.

00:55:39.000 I'm jealous of your boxing stuff.

00:55:41.000 What part are you jealous of?

00:55:43.000 The whole thing.

00:55:44.000 I like the idea of it.

00:55:47.000 I'm going to try to get into it maybe this summer.

00:55:48.000 There's nothing to be jealous of.

00:55:50.000 What did I win the boxing lottery?

00:55:51.000 You can go anytime.

00:55:53.000 Yeah, it's $200 a month or something like that.

00:55:55.000 No, I think it's cheaper than that.

00:55:56.000 Huh, alright.

00:55:59.000 Anyway, we got six.

00:56:06.000 What about food?

00:56:10.000 Don't eat out.

00:56:11.000 This is for young men. 1.00

00:56:12.000 I'm not talking about pussy eating. 1.00

00:56:14.000 I'm saying don't go out for dinner. 1.00

00:56:16.000 It's a fucking total waste of money. 0.99

00:56:19.000 You get reamed every time you go out. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Wait a minute.

00:56:25.000 Yeah, you make a big thing of spaghetti.

00:56:28.000 We used to live in this big punk house with like 15 people in one house and we would have, we would just make, we'd make like four pounds of rice.

00:56:38.000 We'd buy things in bulk and there'd be a giant rice thing.

00:56:41.000 It would basically be going rotten over the weeks and you just sort of dip into that whenever you were hungry.

00:56:46.000 Oh, you want to hear a great handy thing to do for men who live together in a group?

00:56:51.000 So there's Gavin, Ryan, Joey, and Maleficent all living together in a house, right?

00:56:59.000 You take a nail and you nail that into the windowsill or something, some sort of spike, that's by the sink in the kitchen. 0.57

00:57:07.000 Presumably you're living in such a shithole, the landlord isn't gonna care about a nail hole. 0.94

00:57:12.000 Then you write on different pieces of paper, Ryan, Gavin, Johnny, Maleficent, right? 0.97

00:57:18.000 And you poke those through the nail,

00:57:22.000 In front of the sink.

00:57:25.000 Now, if you walk into the kitchen and you see the name Ryan there, you have to do whatever is in the sink.

00:57:31.000 That's your job.

00:57:32.000 I don't care if it's with nail and eye levels with rats living in it and it's piled to the ceiling.

00:57:37.000 That's your problem, dude.

00:57:38.000 You let your name pop.

00:57:39.000 Say you go away for a week.

00:57:41.000 Then you should be stressed out the whole time that your dishes are piling up because that's your problem.

00:57:47.000 So you come back, you clean all those.

00:57:49.000 Now, what if you walk by the sink and there's just one coffee cup and it says Gavin?

00:57:54.000 I run in, I wash that coffee cup, I put it there to dry and then I take my name and I put it at the back. 0.99

00:58:00.000 So what this inadvertently does is it provides an incentive for people to always be checking on the sink and washing their shit. 0.99

00:58:09.000 Now we had this one dude who would just let his shit pile up and he wouldn't do anything. 0.99

00:58:13.000 So we would take those dishes and put them all over his bed. 0.99

00:58:20.000 But, yeah, it doesn't matter what you eat when you're a young man.

00:58:23.000 Just eat spaghetti.

00:58:25.000 You've got this incredible metabolism.

00:58:27.000 Don't eat out.

00:58:28.000 Don't have soda.

00:58:29.000 Don't eat! 1.00

00:58:30.000 Eating's gay. 1.00

00:58:33.000 Food is a fad. 0.84

00:58:35.000 I think you should, if you're fat and you want to lose weight, you should join my diet of Beer Ramadan, which is, you don't eat breakfast, you don't eat lunch, around four o'clock you start getting hungry, you know, like Muslims, and then you have a beer to kill the hunger pains, and it also alleviates you with empty calories, and you have another beer around five, and then by the time dinner's ready, this is more for married men, around six, 1.00

00:59:00.000 You have your meal, which you scarf down because you're fucking starving, and then you don't eat anything for the rest of the night. 0.94

00:59:05.000 Maybe keep drinking beers. 0.99

00:59:07.000 I lost 10 pounds doing that. 0.98

00:59:09.000 And I lost 10 pounds because I'm a cheap ass, and I realized all my suits are garbage if I get fat, and then I have to get all new suits. 0.97

00:59:15.000 There's no way I'm doing that. 0.98

00:59:18.000 Alright, so what do we got?

00:59:21.000 We have... eating?

00:59:24.000 Wait, we have... what is it?

00:59:25.000 What was the first one now?

00:59:27.000 Don't eat out with a group more than a group of people. 0.99

00:59:29.000 Oh shit, I made eating two things. 0.98

00:59:31.000 So that doesn't count. 0.99

00:59:32.000 Put that back in number one.

00:59:33.000 But it also went for karaoke too, right?

00:59:35.000 Oh yeah, no, you're right.

00:59:36.000 Yeah, let's change number one to save your money.

00:59:41.000 Number one is save your money.

00:59:42.000 Yeah, that is money. 1.00

00:59:44.000 And then number two is take a lot of shit from people. 0.99

00:59:48.000 Number three, no, let's change number two to take abuse. 1.00

00:59:53.000 So number one is

00:59:56.000 Number one is be cheap.

00:59:57.000 I'm gonna write these down.

01:00:00.000 Number one is be cheap when you're young.

01:00:03.000 Number two, take abuse. 0.53

01:00:08.000 Number three, be fun.

01:00:11.000 That's how to get laid. 1.00

01:00:13.000 Number four, wear classics.

01:00:18.000 Obviously if you have some great kooky look, you're not looking for me for fashion tips.

01:00:21.000 So that one is for the guys who don't know what to wear.

01:00:25.000 Number five.

01:00:28.000 What should we call that fighting one?

01:00:30.000 Break it up?

01:00:32.000 Let me see.

01:00:35.000 Damage assessment.

01:00:36.000 What do you call that?

01:00:38.000 But these are all funny.

01:00:40.000 Oh, I see.

01:00:40.000 I'm just going to say don't fight.

01:00:42.000 It's kind of clickbait to make you hear what the thing is.

01:00:46.000 And then number six was don't eat.

01:00:49.000 I remember we came up with rules for partying and it was called Downer.

01:00:56.000 Yeah.

01:00:57.000 We invented this in Austin at South by Southwest, Trace and I, Trace Crutchfield.

01:01:01.000 D-O-W-N-E-R. 1.00

01:01:04.000 And it was, these are the rules for partying.

01:01:07.000 They're in the party issue of Vice, which we discussed.

01:01:09.000 D is, don't cockblock.

01:01:13.000 You know what?

01:01:14.000 I'm going to make this number seven.

01:01:16.000 Practice

01:01:17.000 No, Party Right.

01:01:19.000 Party Right, and then within number seven is the acronym Downer.

01:01:23.000 D-O-W-N-E-R. 1.00

01:01:25.000 I don't know if I'll be able to remember this, but D was Don't Cockblock. 0.98

01:01:29.000 When you and another guy are hitting on a girl, you're like two speedboats.

01:01:36.000 And you're both going parallel to the destination.

01:01:38.000 If one of the speedboats seems to be going ahead,

01:01:41.000 Getting closer to the destination?

01:01:42.000 Well, you can, you know, put your foot on the gas, but if it's still going ahead, and it's like two boat lengths ahead of you, and this is your buddy, by the way, I'm talking about.

01:01:51.000 If he's two boat lengths ahead of you, and you're both going, over the waves, and it's clear he's gonna get there, then just, just veer to the right, buddy.

01:02:02.000 Go off.

01:02:04.000 And let that guy pursue his goal.

01:02:06.000 That's number one rule of partying. 0.98

01:02:10.000 O is only 13 hours.

01:02:12.000 So if you start drinking at 2 p.m., you have to stop at 2 a.m.

01:02:17.000 And these rules were created for music festivals, for vacations.

01:02:21.000 Obviously, if you're a dude hanging out in the city, then I guess follow these rules, but why are you partying so hard?

01:02:28.000 Like Bill Schultz.

01:02:29.000 Follows downer, even though he's an employed guy in the city.

01:02:34.000 So on a Tuesday, he might start drinking at noon.

01:02:37.000 Well, Bill, if you start drinking at noon, you have to go to bed at 1 a.m.

01:02:42.000 Only 13 hours.

01:02:44.000 W, water aplenty.

01:02:46.000 I know this is corny and I don't really follow it, but especially if you're doing shots and stuff or bumps, the second that you think of the word water, just ask for one and chug it.

01:02:56.000 Just pretend that you're in the desert and you have to store it in your stomach.

01:03:00.000 Like a cow. 0.89

01:03:01.000 Just be cramming water into your body.

01:03:03.000 At all times.

01:03:05.000 N? 0.99

01:03:07.000 What the fuck was N? 1.00

01:03:12.000 Nose beers? 0.99

01:03:12.000 No, never? 0.99

01:03:13.000 Is it to start with never?

01:03:15.000 You know you got stuck on this in Texas too because I asked you what downer was and you got stuck on N again.

01:03:19.000 Okay, well see if you can look it up.

01:03:22.000 Vice Guide to Partying?

01:03:24.000 Downer?

01:03:25.000 I think it's in my book, Death of Cool.

01:03:26.000 We'll come back to N. E is eat your food.

01:03:33.000 When you're really partying and maybe you have some nose beers involved, you're not going to want food.

01:03:37.000 You have to force yourself to have a cheeseburger.

01:03:42.000 So, oh my God, dude, it's come back.

01:03:44.000 My crazy space, my crazy hyphen has come back to haunt me.

01:03:52.000 This doesn't make for a good podcast.

01:03:54.000 We're gonna have to figure this out later, folks.

01:03:58.000 So I'm gonna have to shut it.

01:03:59.000 Shut it down! 1.00

01:04:00.000 This key right here is constantly pressing the dash button.

01:04:05.000 Right?

01:04:05.000 The dash button.

01:04:07.000 We're gonna shut it down.

01:04:08.000 You can get Salmonella over here.

01:04:10.000 You can get tetanus from that. 0.68

01:04:13.000 My Jon Taffer sucks so bad, I'm embarrassed every time I try it. 0.97

01:04:17.000 At least you got the name right. 0.97

01:04:18.000 So, E was eat your dinner, and then R is regulate your bumps.

01:04:23.000 Now, I'm not advocating cocaine use.

01:04:25.000 It's an illegal, dangerous drug.

01:04:27.000 If, hypothetically, you were to try such a thing, you have to... A lot of people do coke when they don't even want to.

01:04:35.000 So, just like earlier with buying something, where I was saying, can I afford it?

01:04:39.000 Do I really want it?

01:04:40.000 Can I borrow it?

01:04:41.000 Please think of that when you do cocaine.

01:04:43.000 So many people do cocaine

01:04:46.000 And they cocaine themselves to sobriety.

01:04:52.000 And the next thing you know, all those shots and all that booze is just wasted.

01:04:55.000 You just ruined your buzz.

01:04:56.000 Now in my heyday, not that I have ever done cocaine, you'd have a $20 bag that would last you all night.

01:05:03.000 There'd be tons left.

01:05:04.000 You'd do maybe two to four key bumps.

01:05:06.000 That's it.

01:05:07.000 Now these guys are doing giant lines and

01:05:11.000 Ugh, that's what gives you the brutal hangover the next day.

01:05:13.000 It makes you grind your jaw.

01:05:15.000 You can't talk to girls. 1.00

01:05:20.000 I'm having trouble finding this.

01:05:21.000 I think it's been scrubbed from the web.

01:05:23.000 Yep. 1.00

01:05:24.000 Shit. 1.00

01:05:26.000 Alright, and then, so R was regulate your bumps. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Regulate your bumps, man.

01:05:33.000 Maybe N was nothing good happens after 4 a.m.?

01:05:36.000 Yeah, that sounds very familiar.

01:05:39.000 I think that is.

01:05:41.000 I'll try to figure that out and get back to you.

01:05:43.000 Ryan, your job is to track down this stuff.

01:05:46.000 Yeah, I'm still looking.

01:05:47.000 I got a new idea.

01:05:48.000 I think I'm going to find it.

01:05:49.000 It was the party issue of Vice.

01:05:52.000 So that must have been like 2002, where it wasn't, the records are not very well kept because they involve Gavi.

01:06:00.000 Why are you looking up Anthony Gumia?

01:06:02.000 Because you were on his thing and I think you'd go through Downer on this show.

01:06:09.000 Clean your room!

01:06:10.000 For God's sakes! 1.00

01:06:10.000 Miss Piggy's gonna have a cow if you don't clean your damn bloody room! 1.00

01:06:27.000 Jordan Peterson is right, and I think he stole that from me. 0.99

01:06:31.000 And I stole it from that guy, Kennedy, who I mentioned at the beginning with his book, Knockout.

01:06:36.000 He was the first guy I saw who said, clean your room. 0.96

01:06:39.000 He said, the secret to getting your shit together is to clean your room and to exercise. 0.94

01:06:43.000 And I do remember when I was a bike messenger, I'd be riding my bike all winter, and there's something about exercise where it just sort of polishes your brain. 0.97

01:06:53.000 And the next thing you know, I don't know, man, you just,

01:06:57.000 You start evaluating your life.

01:07:00.000 There's something about being in physically good shape where you start coming up with better ideas.

01:07:04.000 And it's sort of like an audit of your brain.

01:07:08.000 And you go deeper into your brain and you realize, yeah, I like listening to music, but I'm not a musician.

01:07:12.000 I'm not pursuing that.

01:07:14.000 That's not my bag.

01:07:15.000 I'm going to become more of a storyteller.

01:07:17.000 That seems to be my kind of thing.

01:07:18.000 And you learn about yourself.

01:07:21.000 When your desk is cluttered or your desktop on your computer or your room,

01:07:26.000 It's it's a cluttered brain so You have to start getting organized and that that would brings me to number nine.

01:07:35.000 I'm saying for running out of time is quit porn

01:07:41.000 Now, by quit porn, I also mean don't beat off.

01:07:44.000 And there's two schools to this.

01:07:46.000 There's the no wanks school and there's the no fap school.

01:07:51.000 No fap is more orthodox.

01:07:53.000 It's like the more extremist religion. 0.99

01:07:56.000 But no wanks is more like watch porn once a month. 1.00

01:07:59.000 But beating off is bad for you. 0.99

01:08:04.000 It kills your libido. 0.98

01:08:05.000 Young men, I know you're walking around with a boner 24 hours a day. 1.00

01:08:09.000 Go stick that in a chick. 1.00

01:08:11.000 Or go beat off with a chick there. 1.00

01:08:14.000 The computer is a curse.

01:08:16.000 And I'm telling you, what I always say to young men is try it for 10 days and get back to me.

01:08:21.000 If you don't catch yourself singing in the shower and feeling more in control when you walk down the street and prepared to fight at any time, you're just a higher quality person.

01:08:30.000 It's like you dipped in you sauce, which is what I used to call Adderall.

01:08:36.000 Now should I, if we hit the mailbag, I got one that pertains specifically to that, but he's got an interesting situation.

01:08:44.000 Alright, well I'm making these up as I go along.

01:08:48.000 So, number 10, I'm going to write family first.

01:08:55.000 Now, in the era of Trump, we have a lot of siblings no longer speaking to each other.

01:09:01.000 And that is terrible.

01:09:03.000 So my advice to you is to lie.

01:09:07.000 When your sister says, I can't look at you at Thanksgiving, if you're still supporting Trump, lie and say, I'm actually reevaluating that.

01:09:18.000 Or that was a wake-up call.

01:09:19.000 Or when she says, are you, I can't believe you're not, you're against therapy.

01:09:23.000 You should be in therapy.

01:09:24.000 You know, if she lives in LA or something.

01:09:26.000 Then say, you know what?

01:09:28.000 Yeah, maybe I should.

01:09:30.000 Thank you for that.

01:09:31.000 That really helps.

01:09:34.000 Abide by them. 0.88

01:09:35.000 They're going through a crazy phase. 0.93

01:09:37.000 It's sort of like drunk chicks. 1.00

01:09:39.000 If your crazy brother, your crazy in-laws, your crazy aunt, she hates you for liking Trump or for whatever stupid reason, family is first. 1.00

01:09:48.000 That comes above everything. 1.00

01:09:49.000 You have to maintain those relationships.

01:09:51.000 When I see these people haven't spoken to their brother in 10 years, it breaks my heart in two.

01:09:56.000 It's so crucial, even cousins.

01:09:58.000 Like, I have a cousin, he's a Mexican, because my aunt married a Mexican guy.

01:10:03.000 And, you know, we spent a little bit of time together growing up, but he lived all over the world.

01:10:07.000 His dad was a diplomat, or he worked for the CIA or something.

01:10:12.000 And he doesn't look anything like me, obviously, he's Mexican.

01:10:15.000 And we just, it's weird when we hang out.

01:10:18.000 There's all of these biological similarities.

01:10:21.000 And it's not just our love of whiskey.

01:10:24.000 There's things when you talk to family that you'll never get from friends.

01:10:29.000 And my other cousins, I have this one cousin in Scotland I saw maybe twice growing up.

01:10:34.000 Two times total.

01:10:35.000 We met for beers.

01:10:36.000 I hadn't seen him in 20 years.

01:10:38.000 We met for beers last time he was visiting New York for some conference.

01:10:40.000 He's a cop. 0.94

01:10:42.000 And we both, after joking around about stuff and all the shit we love, we both shopped at the same mod shop that sold mod clothing in London. 0.95

01:10:50.000 We both ordered from them online. 0.85

01:10:52.000 And we just looked at each other and we go, this is uncanny.

01:10:56.000 And I know a lot of you hate your dad.

01:10:58.000 Your dad is old you. 0.91

01:11:01.000 So to poo-poo him is bad for you. 1.00

01:11:05.000 Now, there is a problem with people like Ryan, where their dad fucked them over. 0.99

01:11:12.000 And he wants to, I hate when these dads, they don't, they leave it when the kid's like six and then they come back when the kid's 21 and is a grown up and they want to hang. 0.98

01:11:22.000 And like, look, I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm back now and here I bought you something. 1.00

01:11:26.000 Those guys fucking suck. 0.99

01:11:28.000 And I totally understand if you don't want anything to do with that guy. 1.00

01:11:31.000 But I said family first, your dad quit the job of dad.

01:11:35.000 When he vanished.

01:11:36.000 So, that's not your dad.

01:11:38.000 In fact, stepdads, people call them cucks, stepdads are, they should be put on a pedestal, those guys, who've taken someone else's kid at six, and then, despite being hated by that kid and resented by all of her kids, that he's, are now his stepkids, he powers through it, and the next thing you know, he's acquired enough authority to discipline them and say, you're grounded, and then he's their dad.

01:12:03.000 That guy's awesome! 0.99

01:12:05.000 We don't say enough good shit about stepdads. 1.00

01:12:07.000 They're seen as, like, drunk bum losers. 1.00

01:12:10.000 Meanwhile, this guy's cleaning up the mess your shithead father left behind. 1.00

01:12:15.000 And I'm not talking about my dad. 0.99

01:12:16.000 He's awesome.

01:12:18.000 Alright.

01:12:19.000 Uh, we're gonna have, we have a little bit of time left.

01:12:22.000 Right, Ryan?

01:12:23.000 Yep.

01:12:23.000 I hope my hyphen problem doesn't come back.

01:12:26.000 I just rebooted for the third time.

01:12:28.000 And I'm gonna see what's in my mailbag.

01:12:30.000 But, uh, we're still short on N.

01:12:33.000 Have you tried typing in downer with periods in it?

01:12:36.000 Yeah.

01:12:37.000 Yes.

01:12:37.000 Okay.

01:12:38.000 So let's have a look at the mail bag and get in all its little nooks and crannies, all its little wrinkles.

01:12:45.000 And let's do yours first.

01:12:47.000 You want to do the no wanks thing?

01:12:49.000 Sure. 0.99

01:12:49.000 I hate when people say, these guys have Gavin tell them to, uh, when they can masturbate. 0.99

01:12:55.000 No, I inadvertently discovered a cool thing and I want you to try it. 0.98

01:12:59.000 I'm not your boss.

01:13:02.000 So, this is Alex.

01:13:05.000 Uh, getting to the question here, thought I'd reach out.

01:13:07.000 Oh, wait a minute!

01:13:09.000 I have my book!

01:13:11.000 Yeah, it's right behind you.

01:13:11.000 Right?

01:13:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:13.000 Okay, you read that and I'll see if I can find down there.

01:13:15.000 Alright, cool.

01:13:16.000 So, Sucky Situation.

01:13:19.000 Sucky Situation! 1.00

01:13:21.000 Uh, I want to quit porn, but there's a twist.

01:13:23.000 I can't get laid, because I have a girlfriend who I love.

01:13:26.000 So I don't want to cheat on her.

01:13:27.000 She's a model, and she leaves for two month work trips after a month of staying with me. 0.99

01:13:32.000 All right, then she goes to China, Korea, Japan, yadda yadda. 0.71

01:13:33.000 Too expensive for me to visit her. 0.98

01:13:35.000 I really want to stop wanking because I feel that kind of ruins my life, but I'm horny all the time, and the fact that I can't get laid for months makes it painful, so I wank. 0.95

01:13:42.000 What should I do?

01:13:43.000 If you address this in the pod, I think it would help other dudes who are in a similar situation.

01:13:49.000 Um, so I was trying to find, uh, the partying thing.

01:13:53.000 Um... I think I know what you're gonna say.

01:13:54.000 I think this is- So he's- he's saying, can I beat off because my girlfriend goes away for a long time?

01:13:59.000 Yes, but it's under- I- I know- I think I know the answer to this.

01:14:02.000 Yes, but why not- you do it over like FaceTime or something, if you need to.

01:14:08.000 You have to be with her.

01:14:09.000 Hey, wait a minute. 1.00

01:14:09.000 Is that the picture of someone stimulating someone's genitals while someone else does coke off his dick? 1.00

01:14:13.000 Oh shit! 1.00

01:14:15.000 No, well there's a chicken on it. 1.00

01:14:17.000 Yeah, but that's an example of Jill Abramson. 1.00

01:14:21.000 So read that headline.

01:14:23.000 The Vice Guide to Partying.

01:14:24.000 Party hosting isn't something one can just dive into headlong willy-nilly.

01:14:27.000 You don't throw a baby in the deep end of an Olympic pool with five-pound weights tied to its tiny legs unless you want it to die.

01:14:31.000 Do you as a party meister?

01:14:32.000 You have to.

01:14:34.000 And then it goes on.

01:14:36.000 So that one has

01:14:40.000 That one has what Jill Abramson was talking about.

01:14:42.000 It's not even close to what she put in her book. 1.00

01:14:44.000 There is not someone stimulating someone's genitals, and there's not someone doing coke off a guy's dick. 1.00

01:14:48.000 And this was 2004, and written by Count Chocula. 1.00

01:14:54.000 You were gone by 2004, no?

01:14:54.000 Uh, no.

01:14:57.000 I was gone in 2008.

01:15:00.000 Um, so we get that from military guys.

01:15:03.000 They say, can I beat off, uh, via Skype with my wife? 0.99

01:15:06.000 I haven't seen her in almost a year.

01:15:09.000 And I spoke to men in the military.

01:15:10.000 We worked hard on this.

01:15:11.000 We stayed up all night going through charts and data and working with scientists.

01:15:16.000 And we came to the answer, no.

01:15:18.000 Hmm.

01:15:19.000 Sorry.

01:15:20.000 Look, you're out there fighting for your life. 0.99

01:15:21.000 I know it sucks. 0.99

01:15:22.000 And a lot of soldiers told me you never really get any time to be alone with Skype, because doing any internet thing, connection, is such a huge deal, because they're worried about, you know, people triangulating it, that, um... Oh, there's someone else doing coke off a dick. 1.00

01:15:37.000 There's coke off the dick, and then there's... I guess her hand is near the dick. 0.99

01:15:43.000 And how does she know that person's trans? 1.00

01:15:46.000 Yeah.

01:15:47.000 Well, because there's a... I don't think it's trans, but there's a nipple ring in a man breast. 0.98

01:15:53.000 So, no, you can't do that. 0.70

01:15:55.000 And that's one of the reasons... See, if you don't do that, then your girlfriend away for that long hurts your feelings and you miss her.

01:16:03.000 And then you start going, look, we can't do this anymore.

01:16:06.000 Like, I either have to come with you or we need to change your job or something. 0.92

01:16:09.000 So the wanking when your girlfriend's away is creating a false comfort. 0.99

01:16:15.000 You should hate it when your girlfriend's away. 0.96

01:16:18.000 That should be a problem. 0.99

01:16:21.000 Oh, that looks like it is a trans person. 0.96

01:16:22.000 So, I can't remember if that was one.

01:16:23.000 I don't think that was on our list of 1 to 20, but she was almost close to the truth with that. 0.99

01:16:28.000 Yeah, the caption for that is, um, although the tranny and her knight in shining armor furiously necking while she jerks him off, the lower cast of guests still haven't received their rations of cocaine. 0.99

01:16:38.000 Alright, so we're muddling up this answer here.

01:16:41.000 The answer is no.

01:16:42.000 You can never do, uh, 0.95

01:16:44.000 Skype phone sex, that breaks no wanks. 0.99

01:16:46.000 Also, people ask me, what about prostitutes? 1.00

01:16:48.000 No.

01:16:49.000 The whole point of this is to develop intimacy with your significant other. 0.99

01:16:54.000 And prostitutes are the same as porn. 1.00

01:16:56.000 And also, gays. 1.00

01:16:58.000 Someone said, what about gays? 0.95

01:16:59.000 Gays don't have a problem with this. 1.00

01:17:00.000 Gays get too laid. 1.00

01:17:02.000 If anything, we want gays to beat off more. 1.00

01:17:04.000 So gays aren't invited to this. 0.99

01:17:05.000 Sorry, fellas. 0.93

01:17:06.000 Love you.

01:17:07.000 But you're not invited to no way, because you don't need libido controls.

01:17:11.000 And ladies, too. 1.00

01:17:13.000 There's not a problem with ladies being too horny. 1.00

01:17:15.000 So they can masturbate all they want. 0.99

01:17:17.000 You know what? 1.00

01:17:18.000 I found it.

01:17:18.000 I dug it up.

01:17:19.000 I was right.

01:17:20.000 N is never after 4 a.m.

01:17:22.000 And people go, well, you already said only 15 hours.

01:17:24.000 I said 13 in the podcast.

01:17:26.000 Here, the script says 15.

01:17:29.000 Never after 4am, so that means if you start partying at midnight, you can't go 15 hours, you have to stop at 4am.

01:17:37.000 And I used to party with this guy, the only guy that could keep up with me booze-wise was Sharky, and we would go to South by Southwest in the 90s.

01:17:48.000 We came up with Downer, actually I think it was after 2000 we came up with Downer, and it was like a revelation.

01:17:54.000 Just like no wanks, these things, they're not, I'm not trying to brainwash anyone, they're handy tricks. 1.00

01:17:58.000 And all of a sudden we're like, fucking Downer boys! 0.99

01:18:01.000 Downer was our new religion. 1.00

01:18:03.000 And Sharky managed to fuck it up. 0.98

01:18:06.000 You know what he would do?

01:18:08.000 It would be 3.59, we'd be back at the hotel, and I'd say, all right man, never after 4 a.m., that's N. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

01:18:16.000 At 3.58, he would do two lines the size of an Amazonian caterpillar, and then take a bottle of vodka and just go, and chug about half. 0.91

01:18:31.000 So he would be shit hammered at 4am and I'd go, dude, I'm hitting the hay. 0.74

01:18:35.000 So I'd go to bed and he'd have, he never broke the rule, but those, those two lines in that booze would give him another hour and a half, two hours till 6am. 0.94

01:18:46.000 And I remember one time I was on my bed and I felt it sort of rocking a little bit. 0.85

01:18:51.000 And I was like, what the hell is he, is he trying to hump me? 0.99

01:18:53.000 Am I about to get raped by my buddy? 1.00

01:18:56.000 And I hear. 1.00

01:18:56.000 See if you can guess what was going on. 1.00

01:19:04.000 He was listening to... he's watching cartoons?

01:19:08.000 Close!

01:19:09.000 He dug up my iPod.

01:19:11.000 This was, you know, a long time ago when people had iPods.

01:19:14.000 And he found Su-Su-Studio by Phil Collins. 0.98

01:19:18.000 I don't know why I had that on, and he had it on earphones, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed, in the dark, staring at the iPod, and he was inadvertently sort of bobbing a little bit, because he liked the song, and I was hearing the stupid saxophones from that shitty song. 0.99

01:19:32.000 That's hilarious. 0.95

01:19:39.000 All right, so we answered that one.

01:19:41.000 Should we start at the end or at the beginning?

01:19:43.000 How much time do we have?

01:19:44.000 We don't have much time, do we?

01:19:45.000 The card has a fair amount.

01:19:47.000 Okay.

01:19:48.000 Because it was registering for video, but if we're doing audio, it's got way more.

01:19:52.000 Is this the mailbag?

01:19:53.000 Yeah.

01:19:53.000 Do you want a song for it?

01:19:55.000 Yes.

01:19:55.000 Okay.

01:19:58.000 It's the mailbag, baby.

01:20:04.000 That makes me think of Logan's Run, that 1980s show about the future where they kill people who are over 30 to protect the environment.

01:20:13.000 And that music would be playing as they were hunting them down because two 31-year-olds escaped, escaped the death.

01:20:20.000 Logan is his name.

01:20:21.000 He's on the run.

01:20:23.000 You should look it up.

01:20:23.000 It was a cool show.

01:20:24.000 I've never seen that, but I've heard so much about it that, like, it's a classic.

01:20:27.000 Oh, the graphics and the design of that show was so cool-looking.

01:20:31.000 I remember watching it with my parents as a little kid.

01:20:33.000 All right, this is Tex Punchem, The Roast of Gavin McInnes.

01:20:37.000 So I think people have noticed that I'm a grump. 1.00

01:20:40.000 So the way to bond with a grump is, like Oscar the Grouch, you tell him to fuck off, and he's like, yeah, you're cool. 1.00

01:20:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:47.000 No, I still have feelings.

01:20:50.000 I remember I did the same thing with comics. 0.99

01:20:52.000 I was like, oh, comedians like to be shit on. 0.98

01:20:53.000 There's this nice guy, Anthony Zenhauser, and he was on Twitter. 0.99

01:20:57.000 He was talking about losing weight.

01:20:58.000 And I was like, have you tried flensing?

01:21:01.000 Flensing is when Japanese men like break down a whale. 1.00

01:21:05.000 It's specifically for breaking down a whale and like butchering a whale.

01:21:08.000 Yeah.

01:21:09.000 And he never responded.

01:21:10.000 I think I just hurt his feelings.

01:21:11.000 The first time I met Fred Armisen I was really excited and we were at a party and he was in the elevator and the elevator I guess because it was snowing out and so people were tracking in their snowy boots and it melted so there was water all over the ground and he was standing in it in the middle of this little puddle and I said, oh Fred how you doing man?

01:21:29.000 Did you piss your pants?

01:21:32.000 And he's like, what? 0.88

01:21:32.000 And I go, oh my god, Fred, you're so nervous to meet me. 0.88

01:21:35.000 I'm a regular guy, dude.

01:21:37.000 You don't have to be nervous.

01:21:38.000 Oh my god, look at this.

01:21:39.000 Fred pissed his pants, everyone.

01:21:41.000 And he just goes, no, I didn't.

01:21:43.000 That's a bummer.

01:21:44.000 Now, I don't know if he was, maybe he was doing the character.

01:21:47.000 Right, like playing the straight man.

01:21:48.000 And he was so funny that I didn't get it, but I didn't feel good after.

01:21:51.000 Like he was playing the straight man.

01:21:52.000 It's like when I met Tommy Lee from Motley Crue.

01:21:54.000 And he goes, my man.

01:21:56.000 And he hugs me.

01:21:56.000 And I go, hey, this guy's got a boner.

01:21:59.000 And he walked away and we never spoke again.

01:22:01.000 That was the end of our friendship.

01:22:02.000 It lasted eight seconds.

01:22:05.000 That's the shortest friendship I've ever had, was the drummer of Motley Crue.

01:22:10.000 Don't you hate when people don't get your jokes?

01:22:11.000 I was at like a little dinner with my ex-girlfriend, this was years ago, and they were like, yeah, my daughter's doing ballet.

01:22:18.000 She's on a cruise ship.

01:22:19.000 It's called the Sea Princess.

01:22:20.000 I was like, ah, that was my nickname back in high school.

01:22:23.000 And they just kind of squinted and then just kept talking to other people. 1.00

01:22:26.000 I was like, fuck you guys. 1.00

01:22:28.000 Or you do lies. 1.00

01:22:30.000 You do a joke and someone doesn't get it, they take it seriously, and then you go, I can't say just kidding.

01:22:35.000 I don't know why, but that's a sin. 1.00

01:22:38.000 That's like saying I love you the first night you fuck a chick. 1.00

01:22:41.000 Like that's just, it's unthinkable. 1.00

01:22:43.000 Sure.

01:22:44.000 So you have to keep making the joke more insane.

01:22:46.000 Usually you have to involve outer space and go, yeah, well, I met an alien there or something like to really, yeah.

01:22:51.000 Cause it's haunted.

01:22:52.000 I mean, especially in New York, everyone's so fucking weird that when you bring in aliens and ghosts, they still think you're serious.

01:22:59.000 But I remember James O'Keefe in New Jersey, he just moved to a new apartment and, uh, this is 2004, I believe, 2005. 0.64

01:23:04.000 And, uh,

01:23:08.000 This weird dude, I think James is 1% autistic. 0.87

01:23:13.000 And his best buddy in high school was more like 12%.

01:23:17.000 So he goes, hey man, how's it going?

01:23:19.000 And James is like, oh, this is my buddy who used to play football.

01:23:21.000 His name's, I don't know, Deckel?

01:23:25.000 That doesn't make any, Declan?

01:23:26.000 Declan?

01:23:27.000 Declan.

01:23:27.000 And I go, hey man, how's it going?

01:23:29.000 He goes, oh, hey, I'm James' best friend.

01:23:32.000 And then I go, oh, this is kind of awkward, because I'm actually James' best friend.

01:23:38.000 And he goes, what?

01:23:39.000 And I go, oh no.

01:23:40.000 Yeah, sorry, dude. 0.97

01:23:42.000 Man, that sucks. 0.59

01:23:43.000 Sorry you had to find out this way. 0.97

01:23:45.000 And I was making fun of him because I think the term best friend is unacceptable for anyone over 14, maybe.

01:23:52.000 And to hear guys my age say it.

01:23:54.000 Like, yeah, yeah, well, I have my son's, I was taking my son to, uh, to football practice.

01:23:58.000 And I was there with my best friend, uh, my best friend since high school.

01:24:01.000 And you're like, ew, you guys have friendship bracelets?

01:24:05.000 Your best friend?

01:24:06.000 My number one pal.

01:24:08.000 I have a number two pal and a number three pal.

01:24:10.000 What about closest friend?

01:24:11.000 Like there's one of my closest friends.

01:24:13.000 You can say my really good friend.

01:24:14.000 The guy I've known forever.

01:24:16.000 Good buddy.

01:24:18.000 You may not say best friend.

01:24:19.000 No, man.

01:24:20.000 I like that term. 1.00

01:24:22.000 No, it's fucking gay. 1.00

01:24:24.000 And you are a pussy who goes home to your nana every night to lie in her lap and cry. 1.00

01:24:28.000 So of course you say best friend. 1.00

01:24:30.000 I don't cry near her.

01:24:32.000 I cry in the bathroom.

01:24:34.000 I cry in the middle of New York City in Times Square.

01:24:39.000 With my sunglasses on.

01:24:41.000 Occasionally dipping my finger underneath the lens to push a tear away.

01:24:44.000 No, because how would people pity me then?

01:24:46.000 How would I get my pity?

01:24:48.000 I didn't do anything wrong!

01:24:52.000 But wait, what are we talking about?

01:24:53.000 Best friends?

01:24:55.000 Yeah, so the kid says, oh, hey, I'm James' best friend.

01:24:57.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:58.000 So he goes, and he goes, how can that be?

01:25:02.000 This guy's huge.

01:25:02.000 Big, handsome jock dude with broad shoulders.

01:25:05.000 He should be able to take...

01:25:07.000 Not being a best friend.

01:25:08.000 And he goes, uh, that, that's not true.

01:25:11.000 I played football with him.

01:25:12.000 I've known him since we were 11 years old.

01:25:15.000 And I go, Hey man, I'm not disputing that, but for whatever reason, I'm his best friend now.

01:25:21.000 And it sucks that you did all that, you know, heavy lifting, but apparently I'm just coming at the 11th hour and snatch the prize.

01:25:26.000 And he goes, uh, I'm positive.

01:25:28.000 I'm his best friend. 0.99

01:25:30.000 And now I don't know what the fuck to do. 1.00

01:25:33.000 Cause I can't go, dude, I'm just kidding you fucking loser. 1.00

01:25:37.000 I barely know James. 0.99

01:25:40.000 And so I said, I'm actually a lot of people's best friends.

01:25:44.000 A lot of celebrities' best friends.

01:25:45.000 Like I was going there, you know, you ever heard of Mick Jagger?

01:25:50.000 Closest buddy.

01:25:51.000 Now he, other people think he's his best friend.

01:25:54.000 And I don't know.

01:25:55.000 I just couldn't, I came up with all these crazy scenarios.

01:25:57.000 I pulled in celebs. 0.99

01:25:59.000 I did all this shit and I just couldn't fix it. 1.00

01:26:01.000 All right. 0.99

01:26:02.000 I said one time it was cringy.

01:26:04.000 One time it was cringy?

01:26:06.000 I'll just try to fit this one in.

01:26:07.000 Okay, I guess I have something to say.

01:26:08.000 It was really cringy.

01:26:09.000 I'm gonna let y'all finish but I said, Yeah, yeah, dude, great guy.

01:26:14.000 He's one of my best friends right now in front of my friend.

01:26:16.000 Because and then it just was like, Oh, cool.

01:26:20.000 Thanks.

01:26:21.000 Yeah, I wasn't listening.

01:26:22.000 I wasn't even listening to that. 0.88

01:26:23.000 Alright, so next, text punch him.

01:26:25.000 He says, this is a roast of you, dude.

01:26:27.000 Okay, we're here tonight to honor Gavin BlaBla, a man who has traveled from shore to shore in search of a place who welcomes him.

01:26:33.000 Good luck on your next emigration. 1.00

01:26:35.000 Oh my god, this is cringe Reddit right here.

01:26:39.000 Here's another funny quip for the roast.

01:26:41.000 Ready for this one?

01:26:42.000 Although I'm a little bigger than Gavin, I did dress up like him for Halloween this year.

01:26:46.000 Everyone thought I was like the dad from Teen Wolf.

01:26:50.000 Oh my God, this is bordering on douche chills.

01:26:53.000 I think the next one might give me goose pimples on my shoulder blades.

01:26:58.000 All right, ready?

01:26:59.000 Gavin is an entrepreneur.

01:27:00.000 He's an earner and a hustler, which is good for him because he's been fired more than a Sandy Hook assault rifle.

01:27:05.000 All right, that was just brutal. 1.00

01:27:09.000 So, Tex, you suck. 1.00

01:27:11.000 Thank you for your shitty email. 1.00

01:27:14.000 Sam Breenstroop. 0.99

01:27:15.000 Hi, Gavin.

01:27:15.000 I'm Sam from the Netherlands.

01:27:17.000 Nice shitty name. 0.70

01:27:17.000 Hi, Sam. 0.70

01:27:20.000 I just want to tell you that Spotify has unsubbed me from your podcast.

01:27:24.000 This isn't a device problem because it happened on my phone or my computer.

01:27:27.000 I thought we read this one before.

01:27:28.000 Is this another one saying that?

01:27:29.000 Yeah, that was definitely going on.

01:27:31.000 I got a lot of notices that people on Spotify were saying they were being unsubbed and had to go back in and re-sub.

01:27:39.000 This is part of my SPLC lawsuit.

01:27:40.000 We have to find out who is pulling these strings.

01:27:46.000 Furthermore, you said on your YouTube channel that the Bad Brains were an amazing band and that you don't know anyone who doesn't like them.

01:27:50.000 I think the Bad Brains are one of the most overrated hardcore bands ever.

01:27:55.000 They made two good albums, Bad Brains and Rock for Light, patently false, and then they turned into some shitty reggae dub band. 0.64

01:28:01.000 That's not true. 0.94

01:28:02.000 But of course, that's just my opinion.

01:28:04.000 No, it's not your opinion, Sam.

01:28:06.000 You're wrong.

01:28:06.000 I appreciate you telling me about Big Tech shutting down the podcast, but you're wrong about even look at late Bad Brains, like Soulcraft.

01:28:15.000 Ba-dum-dum-dum, da-dum-dum-da-dum, da-dum-da-dum, da-dum-da-dum. 0.98

01:28:21.000 Who has a, pull up Soulcraft by Bad Brains.

01:28:25.000 Who has a mentally ill singer where they don't quit the band? 1.00

01:28:30.000 I guess you had that with the, I've got a bike, it's as big as a mouse, we call him Gerald.

01:28:36.000 The Pink Floyd guy, remember him?

01:28:37.000 Yeesh.

01:28:38.000 What was his name?

01:28:38.000 Roger Waters?

01:28:39.000 No, asshole. 1.00

01:28:41.000 Pink Floyd guy. 1.00

01:28:41.000 I've got a mouse, it's as big as a house, we call him Gerald. 1.00

01:28:47.000 That song sounds awful.

01:28:50.000 Uh, Bike.

01:28:52.000 It's early Pink Floyd.

01:28:54.000 Bike song. 1.00

01:28:55.000 Bike was a song... Sid Barrett! 0.99

01:28:57.000 Sid Barrett was a brutally mentally ill guy.

01:29:00.000 He was in Pink Floyd, and he would wake up every morning and repaint his garbage pail out front a different color. 0.88

01:29:07.000 It would be yellow on Thursday, pink on Wednesday.

01:29:11.000 Go back to that song, just to prove that that guy was wrong about Bad Brains.

01:29:17.000 No, go to the beginning.

01:29:20.000 I don't know. 0.97

01:29:45.000 Holy shit, that is such a good Friday night in the car song when you're going somewhere with the guys and you're just blaring that in the car and throwing beers out the window. 0.99

01:29:54.000 It's the best. 0.99

01:29:55.000 It sounds like smoking resin, like it's raining and the window doesn't close, you're getting moist.

01:30:02.000 I feel like I'm in a wet car.

01:30:03.000 So wait, you don't like it?

01:30:04.000 No.

01:30:05.000 You don't like that song?

01:30:08.000 No, it sounds wet and like resin.

01:30:10.000 Like I'm smoking resin out of an old bowl.

01:30:13.000 You're wrong, too. 1.00

01:30:14.000 You're a guy who sucks on a robot's dick all day, fanatically, smoking your, what is that thing, your little vape pen? 1.00

01:30:22.000 It's a vape. 1.00

01:30:23.000 You don't like that song.

01:30:24.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:30:25.000 You're right, Ryan.

01:30:26.000 It's no Tina Turner, What's Love Got to Do With It, or Gloria Estevan.

01:30:31.000 I also listen to things like Periphery.

01:30:33.000 My mother has cooler tastes in music. 0.97

01:30:34.000 My mother is tougher than your record collection.

01:30:37.000 What about Gimme the Night by George Benson? 1.00

01:30:40.000 Fuck, I almost, I envisioned a knife going into your chest when you said that. 1.00

01:30:43.000 Protest the hero. 1.00

01:30:44.000 Going up from your stomach, up behind your ribs. 1.00

01:30:47.000 I want to stab you with a very long knife where some people go, that's a sword actually. 0.99

01:30:47.000 You ever hear protest the hero? 0.99

01:30:52.000 No, it's just a long knife and I'm stabbing fuckface with it. 1.00

01:30:56.000 Protest the hero, they're from Canada. 1.00

01:30:58.000 You don't know them.

01:30:58.000 Ugh.

01:31:00.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:31:01.000 All right, Reagan Smith. 1.00

01:31:03.000 Dear Gavin, I have no idea how you're still alive, hearing your stories.

01:31:05.000 I'm thankful you are, blah, blah, blah.

01:31:06.000 I think, it's just, these are all repeats, aren't they?

01:31:09.000 I don't know.

01:31:10.000 Yes, they are! 1.00

01:31:11.000 Shit! 1.00

01:31:13.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Sorry about that, folks at home. 1.00

01:31:16.000 All right, this is definitely a new one.

01:31:19.000 Lindsay, she's a nurse. 0.98

01:31:20.000 I'm following up on seatbelts.

01:31:21.000 I'm really curious if my email about seatbelts influenced you at all.

01:31:23.000 Yes, it's a very female thing of me to be worried about.

01:31:26.000 Huge fan.

01:31:26.000 I worked in the ER for 10 years.

01:31:28.000 Wear a seatbelt.

01:31:29.000 No!

01:31:30.000 The thing I resent, too, about getting in my car is, bing, bing, I bought you, robot.

01:31:37.000 I paid for you, and you're nagging me about, it's like your dog going, hey, you should really work out more.

01:31:44.000 You're gaining a lot of weight. 1.00

01:31:46.000 Fuck you, dog. 1.00

01:31:47.000 You're my pet. 1.00

01:31:48.000 You're my pet robot, and you're telling me to put on a seatbelt?

01:31:51.000 I think I drive better without a seatbelt.

01:31:54.000 There's been studies that say people wearing seatbelts, they're more reckless.

01:31:59.000 And I hate especially when I'm going around my little village in the suburbs Constantly having to put it on what I do now is I it's buckled 24 hours a day behind me so I can just sit in and Go flying Where are we going here with this?

01:32:19.000 I've been a working musician for 15 years making records.

01:32:22.000 This is from William.

01:32:23.000 Oh, no, I think we already talked about this.

01:32:25.000 Oh, yeah, that's a whole other thing.

01:32:26.000 I'm not going to get into that.

01:32:28.000 Actually, maybe I should.

01:32:30.000 All right, you ready for this?

01:32:31.000 Yeah.

01:32:32.000 This is from a guy named William Control.

01:32:37.000 And so he was like a weird, this is after my time, I'm an old man, but William Control is like a dance music, kind of gothy, punky guy with lots of tattoos who had a following and he was a successful musician in the sense that, you know, it paid his bills.

01:32:52.000 He wasn't famous or anything, but you know, he'd get a couple thousand people coming to a show.

01:32:58.000 And I thought I would read this letter.

01:33:00.000 Dear Gavin, I wanted to send an email thanking you for helping me get through the most horrific time in my life.

01:33:05.000 I've been a working musician for the last 15 years, making records and traveling the world.

01:33:09.000 I'm not a big artist, but was able to carve out a decent living in my own little way.

01:33:13.000 Last year, I was falsely accused of rape and abuse.

01:33:18.000 The story was picked up by all the cheesy SJW outlets and spread around like wildfire.

01:33:23.000 The Guardian, the Daily Beast, etc, etc.

01:33:25.000 The usual suspects in charge of fake news.

01:33:27.000 It destroyed my marriage, my wife left me, and took my nine-year-old son.

01:33:32.000 Just to interject here, by the way, this is the goal.

01:33:36.000 Of these things.

01:33:36.000 I'm not talking about bonafide rape accusations, obviously, but this witch hunt stuff where the guy wasn't guilty and it's all based on rumor and they refuse to go to court and hammer it out in real life.

01:33:48.000 I believe a lot of these cunts at these sites. 0.94

01:33:51.000 Like The Guardian, The Daily Beast, and HuffPo, and Vox. 0.99

01:33:54.000 They're bitter spinsters who resent married men for having kids, and their goal isn't just to get them fired. 1.00

01:33:59.000 Their goal is to break up the marriage.

01:34:01.000 You have no idea how many people were trying to sabotage my marriage, back before anyone knew who my wife was.

01:34:07.000 They just, they go, if I can't have it, nobody can.

01:34:11.000 And who does that punish eventually?

01:34:14.000 The kids.

01:34:15.000 It's the kids who suffer when these evil little gossip mongers shatter a marriage. 1.00

01:34:21.000 And you're not shattering a marriage because a man was raping someone or a man was having tons of illicit affairs.

01:34:26.000 You're ruining a marriage based on a fake rumor.

01:34:30.000 How do you live with yourself?

01:34:32.000 Anyway, my wife left me and took my nine-year-old son, who I have limited visits with now.

01:34:37.000 Unimaginable.

01:34:38.000 Can't imagine that.

01:34:40.000 It was devastating as my family was the most important thing to me.

01:34:43.000 Yes, obviously.

01:34:44.000 Very much like you, I'm considered a pariah in the music industry and none of my quote-unquote friends will really have anything to do with me.

01:34:51.000 All these stories they wrote were based on lies and there was really no way to defend myself.

01:34:56.000 I'm writing this just to say thank you.

01:34:58.000 I learned about you while this all began last summer. 0.64

01:35:01.000 I started listening to your podcast and the comedy truly helped me get through the darkest shit I've ever stepped in.

01:35:05.000 I've learned a lot about fake news and what these people do to guys like you, Trump, Tommy Robinson, and other conservative voices they deem too powerful to speak. 0.89

01:35:12.000 Thanks for that.

01:35:13.000 You may not even read this, but I feel compelled to send a message anyway.

01:35:16.000 Forever a fan, William.

01:35:17.000 P.S. 1.00

01:35:17.000 Although Ryan may be a soft cock at times, we all enjoy his presence on your show and his Tony Soprano impression in his fucking tits. 1.00

01:35:25.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:35:27.000 Oh wait, tits are for fags. 1.00

01:35:28.000 His impression is ass. 1.00

01:35:30.000 Oh fuck. 1.00

01:35:31.000 In the good way. 1.00

01:35:34.000 You know another guy like that?

01:35:35.000 Cale Hartman.

01:35:38.000 He got in a sort of altercation type of thing.

01:35:42.000 A drunken sort of play fighty thing with his girlfriend and she got bruises on her legs as girls do. 0.99

01:35:48.000 And she posted that on Instagram and said this is what it's like to be mentally abused.

01:35:53.000 I think she was just looking for attention.

01:35:55.000 She had a comedy special coming up and that snowballed and other ex-girlfriends of his got involved and he became Rapist Kale.

01:36:05.000 And now, he works in Ohio doing hard labor.

01:36:10.000 He wrote for Bad Grandpa with Jackass.

01:36:13.000 He was a really successful comedy writer.

01:36:15.000 He did stand-up for fun.

01:36:16.000 And he was begging these girls to take it to court.

01:36:19.000 But they wouldn't even name him.

01:36:20.000 People figured out who it was through just running the numbers backwards and going, wait a minute, she was dating him at the time that she put that post up.

01:36:29.000 And he tried to sue her, but he couldn't sue her because she never named his name.

01:36:33.000 And he said to me, I want nothing more than to go to court so I can prove my innocence.

01:36:39.000 And he just quit.

01:36:40.000 And even, he was in Ohio recently and he thought, I'm going to try doing stand-up. 0.97

01:36:44.000 So he went to some open mics and the guy's fucking hilarious. 0.91

01:36:47.000 And they go, wow, you're really good. 0.94

01:36:49.000 Can you come back?

01:36:50.000 And he goes, yeah, okay.

01:36:52.000 And they said, we'll pay you.

01:36:53.000 Like you're a real comedian now.

01:36:55.000 And he goes, awesome.

01:36:56.000 Okay.

01:36:56.000 So he starts his life up again from scratch.

01:36:58.000 Word gets out in the LA comedy scene and they send word up there and they shot him out and he's banned from the club.

01:37:07.000 He can't even, if he goes to say UCB, anywhere in the country, people will recognize him.

01:37:11.000 They'll tap him on the shoulder and ask him to leave. 0.90

01:37:13.000 Now, if he had raped anyone, I wholeheartedly support that. 0.80

01:37:16.000 I know this dude.

01:37:18.000 He didn't.

01:37:23.000 And it cheapens bonafide rape victims. 1.00

01:37:25.000 That's the other thing that pisses me off about this.

01:37:27.000 But we could do a whole thing on bans that have been banned.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, I should do that, right?

01:37:33.000 There's William Control.

01:37:36.000 There's that band in Austin.

01:37:37.000 There's two bands in Austin.

01:37:39.000 There's Ty Richards, who wrote a song called Western Chauvinist, that might have been pro-Proud Boy.

01:37:45.000 He never said whether it was or wasn't, but because he didn't say that it wasn't, he was banned from everywhere.

01:37:51.000 His entire music career completely shut down.

01:37:54.000 And then there's the couple.

01:37:57.000 Why am I forgetting their names?

01:37:58.000 Ryan, what are you doing? 1.00

01:37:59.000 Looking through the infinite mailbag, fuck. 1.00

01:38:03.000 Yeah, it goes on forever. 1.00

01:38:04.000 It's almost depressing.

01:38:06.000 We'll just have a mailbag episode.

01:38:06.000 What do you mean?

01:38:09.000 We did that already.

01:38:10.000 We barely got anywhere.

01:38:11.000 Well, then we'll have a monolithic.

01:38:13.000 Dude, this is brutal.

01:38:16.000 What's the name of that band that I have on my show all the time that got banned? 0.99

01:38:22.000 Pussy Riot? 0.98

01:38:23.000 No. 0.79

01:38:24.000 Interview.

01:38:27.000 Controversy.

01:38:28.000 Dream Machine! 0.85

01:38:30.000 Dream Machine, Ty Richards, William Control.

01:38:32.000 I'm about to pee my pants now.

01:38:33.000 We're gonna wrap it up.

01:38:34.000 Please go to DefendGavin.com if you want to stop...

01:38:38.000 This imminent censorship that's going on, it's not about me, it's about these rich, liar, lefty weirdos injecting themselves into big tech and controlling the country's conversation. 0.72

01:38:50.000 We have only begun.

01:38:51.000 This people getting banned from banks, Chase Bank has banned conservatives like Martina Marcotta, Laura Loomer, Enrique Tarrio, there's a big investigative piece coming out about it all, and

01:39:05.000 They started controlling the conversation, now they're controlling who can do business?

01:39:09.000 This is not American, folks.

01:39:11.000 So please go to DefendGavin.com, throw five bucks into the pot so we can keep fighting them.

01:39:16.000 It's going to take at least a quarter mil.

01:39:19.000 We've had about 5,000 people donate.

01:39:20.000 We're up to, I think, $185,000.

01:39:21.000 We're almost 80% of the way there.

01:39:22.000 78% or something?

01:39:22.000 Let me check right now.

01:39:29.000 I'll look back on this and it'll sound small the next time I check.

01:39:33.000 75% there, 187,000.

01:39:34.000 You can also check out my brother's videos at nohate.com and we've got some stuff in the pipeline for a new show that will be launching June 1st and we'll announce that when we're ready to rock.

01:39:47.000 I'm gonna go pee and I'll see you soon.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 21, 2019

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #123 | Here are 10 tips for young men

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