Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 25, 2020


S02E129 - LFGM [2020-02-25 - S02E129 - LFGM]


Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 6 minutes

Words per minute

162.04214

Word count

10,765

Sentence count

1,228

Harmful content

Misogyny

72

sentences flagged

Hate speech

39

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

My son and I went to a Mets game and I accidentally pulled out my balls and got them signed by one of the players. Also, a woman in front of me wants to get her kid a ball signed and a cop working on the field thinks it's a good idea.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:42.000 Don't know what to do with all the happiness that you're giving me Lately Lately *thud* Now, switch it to manual focus or it'll keep going in and out.
00:00:58.000 Hey, folks, I'm back from Port St. Lucie, checking out my fave team, the Mets.
00:01:03.000 World Series Champions, yo.
00:01:06.000 More than a quarter of a century ago.
00:01:09.000 That's why I like wearing this jacket because it's like so ostentatious and proud.
00:01:16.000 And when did they win?
00:01:18.000 86.
00:01:20.000 Yeah, champions!
00:01:23.000 86!
00:01:25.000 I was 16 and couldn't have given less of a shit about sports, but my son loves the Mets and I'm happy to go down there with them and take them early, get the players coming in and out of the parking lot.
00:01:37.000 They love balls, getting their balls signed. 0.83
00:01:41.000 And I actually pulled out my testicles to one of the players with the Sharpie.
00:01:46.000 I said, will you sign my balls?
00:01:48.000 And he did.
00:01:49.000 And I'm allergic to Sharpie ink.
00:01:51.000 I did not know that.
00:01:53.000 But I got, you know how your bag has those little bumps on it where the hairs are?
00:01:57.000 Of course.
00:01:57.000 I have twice as many bumps now.
00:02:00.000 And it makes your underwear black.
00:02:03.000 But thank you very much to Noah Syndergaard and DeGrom for assigning each one of my testicles.
00:02:10.000 My son, on the other hand, went with normal balls.
00:02:12.000 This year we did very well.
00:02:14.000 I'm not a fan, by the way.
00:02:17.000 As a person, it's not in my personality to be a fan.
00:02:19.000 So waiting for autographs, it just...
00:02:24.000 I don't want to be on my phone either because that's a bad dad.
00:02:27.000 So I just sort of stand there.
00:02:29.000 Oh, we went to batting practice too every day where they let the fans come and see them work out.
00:02:34.000 There's these fucking adults there that are just...
00:02:41.000 This one guy was walking around with a plastic case that held maybe 100 balls, 10 by 10 grid.
00:02:49.000 And he's going on getting them signed.
00:02:51.000 Why?
00:02:52.000 They're going to get them, put them on eBay and sell them, which most of these autographs, like I think Tim Tebau, is that this one?
00:03:05.000 I don't know.
00:03:06.000 My son knows all these.
00:03:08.000 It's worth like $100 or something, but most of them are worth $30, $40.
00:03:12.000 So you're selling them on eBay.
00:03:14.000 That's where we work, Clover Park.
00:03:15.000 And you're waiting all day in the boiling heat.
00:03:18.000 Fucking Florida, man.
00:03:20.000 When it's 72, it feels like 102.
00:03:23.000 The sun is an oven down there.
00:03:25.000 I don't know how you people can handle it.
00:03:27.000 I really am impressed.
00:03:30.000 But they wait there in the sun and they get their $37 ball.
00:03:32.000 I'm just like, what are you doing here?
00:03:34.000 And you're in the way of kids.
00:03:36.000 There's little kids lining up to get their balls signed or to catch a ball.
00:03:41.000 During batting practice, they go over the fence.
00:03:43.000 Honestly, maybe 50% of the time.
00:03:46.000 That's why we have so many because we were there all three days, four days, watching them.
00:03:54.000 And then they're catching balls that kids should get.
00:03:56.000 Yesterday, I was at a game.
00:03:58.000 This was Monday.
00:03:59.000 I took my kid out of school.
00:04:00.000 You're welcome for that.
00:04:02.000 We're at a game.
00:04:03.000 It was the Nats and the Mets on their territory.
00:04:06.000 So down in Palm Beach.
00:04:08.000 And there's this fucking lady in front of me. 1.00
00:04:11.000 And her boyfriend, who looked to be about 44, I think he was a cop from Oklahoma.
00:04:17.000 And he was a Mets fan, I guess.
00:04:19.000 Yeah.
00:04:20.000 Maybe he could have been a Nats fan.
00:04:23.000 He's down there and he's talking to some cop who's working on the field.
00:04:26.000 Oh, where are you working here?
00:04:27.000 Blah, blah, blah, the shift.
00:04:28.000 Yeah, the life of a cop, blah, blah, blah, cop, cop, talk.
00:04:31.000 And then she says, how's this for egregious?
00:04:34.000 Do you think you could get him a ball?
00:04:36.000 It's his birthday.
00:04:39.000 What?
00:04:40.000 A, that's a cop.
00:04:44.000 Why are you making him go run errands for you?
00:04:46.000 B, don't interrupt the conversation, lady. 1.00
00:04:50.000 These two cops are talking.
00:04:52.000 Don't send them out.
00:04:53.000 I guess that's the same as A. But B, okay, let's make B the ball.
00:04:58.000 B, men shouldn't have balls. 0.97
00:05:02.000 These are all my sons.
00:05:03.000 I brought these into the studio today.
00:05:04.000 I better not lose one or I'm dead.
00:05:06.000 These are not mine.
00:05:08.000 I don't collect signatures of balls.
00:05:10.000 If you do and you're an adult, that's gay and depraved and sad. 1.00
00:05:16.000 And I saw, like, usually the people who do it are kind of handicapped, fucked in the head. 0.99
00:05:20.000 Like, I have it signed.
00:05:22.000 Thank you.
00:05:22.000 I'm in Rosario.
00:05:24.000 You're number one.
00:05:25.000 That's the same as a kid, I guess, in many ways.
00:05:27.000 So we'll let that slide.
00:05:29.000 C, who cares if it's his fucking birthday?
00:05:32.000 There's a reason you know the term birthday boy and not birthday man.
00:05:37.000 We should only know about your birthday if you're under 18 and then maybe 21, sure.
00:05:47.000 30, maybe.
00:05:48.000 40, yes.
00:05:49.000 50, okay.
00:05:50.000 You know, the decades.
00:05:52.000 And even then, it should be like, hey, it's my 60th birthday.
00:05:55.000 My friends are paying for dinner tonight.
00:05:57.000 Okay, here.
00:05:58.000 Hey, and do a shot. 0.81
00:05:59.000 Not like, can you go get my boyfriend a present, please?
00:06:03.000 So anyway, my son, after the end of the inning, they're throwing in the balls.
00:06:07.000 And my son learned on his phone, puedro vaater, uno patrola.
00:06:15.000 I already fucking forgot it.
00:06:17.000 Jesus.
00:06:18.000 Can I have a ball in Spanish?
00:06:20.000 Oh, puedo.
00:06:22.000 Puedo.
00:06:23.000 That means can I?
00:06:26.000 Recibe.
00:06:26.000 Let me see.
00:06:27.000 Vera uno.
00:06:30.000 And then ball is like palota.
00:06:34.000 That's it.
00:06:35.000 Anyway, he's yelling like, puedo ena ta una palota por vavar at Luis Guillermo.
00:06:43.000 And he's throwing it to them.
00:06:44.000 So he catches them.
00:06:45.000 And then he thought, oh, you know what?
00:06:47.000 I already got two balls. 1.00
00:06:48.000 I want to keep one to get signed by Tim Thibault, which is one of these.
00:06:54.000 And then she goes, oh, you could give it to him.
00:06:56.000 It's his birthday.
00:06:58.000 What?
00:06:58.000 To my son.
00:07:00.000 And you know what my son's doing with his ball?
00:07:02.000 Guess what he's doing?
00:07:03.000 What?
00:07:03.000 He's looking around for a little kid to give it to, like a five-year-old or whatever, you know?
00:07:08.000 Yeah.
00:07:09.000 Because even he's getting a little too old for this.
00:07:13.000 And this grown man is about to steal two children's.
00:07:16.000 Well, he hasn't said shit.
00:07:17.000 Oh, okay.
00:07:18.000 And I said, I just sort of snapped and I said, he's a grown man.
00:07:23.000 Give it to a kid. 0.99
00:07:25.000 And then they sort of had this, I don't know, Montana's maybe not a confrontation state the way New York is.
00:07:30.000 So they sort of had this erect after that.
00:07:35.000 Because I called him a bitch, basically, in a way. 0.73
00:07:38.000 And I gave his girlfriend shit. 0.87
00:07:40.000 So it's kind of a double insult.
00:07:42.000 And then they were like that for a while and they didn't say anything at all.
00:07:45.000 And then they left.
00:07:46.000 They missed the game.
00:07:47.000 Oh, wow.
00:07:48.000 Nice cop.
00:07:49.000 They could have just changed sections, right?
00:07:52.000 There was lots of cops there.
00:07:54.000 I saw a cool shirt.
00:07:55.000 I should have got a picture of it.
00:07:56.000 It said, fuck De Blasio and had an NYPD shield on it.
00:08:02.000 Oh, and the guy in front of me, he had a shirt that said world's best detective, obviously like a retirement gift.
00:08:07.000 And on his arm it said, Rafael Ramos.
00:08:11.000 Nice.
00:08:12.000 Who's that?
00:08:13.000 That's the partner of Win Jian Liu.
00:08:16.000 Good.
00:08:16.000 One of the two cops assassinated.
00:08:19.000 Two of the cops that they made, the two pigs that they made fly. 0.99
00:08:24.000 Right.
00:08:24.000 Remember?
00:08:25.000 Black guy says I'm going to make pigs fly, and he went and shot those two cops in their cruiser.
00:08:31.000 De Blasio, you got my back.
00:08:33.000 Wait, what?
00:08:35.000 Oh, I get it.
00:08:36.000 Like, they turned their back to him.
00:08:38.000 Oh, okay, gotcha.
00:08:39.000 Yeah, I didn't get that for a second.
00:08:40.000 Yeah, that's a smart one.
00:08:43.000 New York City cops ain't too smart.
00:08:47.000 Strokes? 1.00
00:08:47.000 Oh, really? 1.00
00:08:48.000 What about this witty shirt?
00:08:50.000 There's a not-so-witty one right to the left here.
00:08:53.000 Fuck, Bill de Blasio.
00:08:55.000 So much for wit.
00:08:56.000 Oh, speaking of shirts, out for buds.
00:08:59.000 Just keep coming.
00:09:01.000 Tons of buds.
00:09:02.000 Our, I don't use the word fans.
00:09:04.000 Not only am I not a fan, and I don't mind kids, but I don't call people who are into us fans.
00:09:10.000 Our viewers, our family, our club.
00:09:15.000 Yaraza.
00:09:17.000 Miraza.
00:09:22.000 Let's look at some of them.
00:09:23.000 Now, I guess you can show ones you've already seen, but I'm going to go through those fast.
00:09:28.000 Dude, I don't think you have to show the letter.
00:09:30.000 Maybe he didn't want something, anyone to show that letter.
00:09:33.000 Did that occur to you?
00:09:35.000 Maybe?
00:09:36.000 When you doxed him?
00:09:37.000 Well, there's no info from it, but the people that left there...
00:09:40.000 Like his website is not info.
00:09:42.000 Okay.
00:09:46.000 Yeah, well, whatever.
00:09:47.000 Let's look at it.
00:09:49.000 This could be the winner.
00:09:50.000 He sent it very low res.
00:09:51.000 And it's not this blood's for you, dude.
00:09:54.000 It's out for Bud.
00:09:57.000 This blood's for you is like saying Budweiser's tastes like blood.
00:10:01.000 It's not the same riff.
00:10:02.000 But I really like that picture of me.
00:10:04.000 That is really nice.
00:10:06.000 I want to poster that.
00:10:07.000 Oh, that's a good zoom-in.
00:10:09.000 Yeah, it's way too low res.
00:10:11.000 And that's an insult.
00:10:12.000 As a member of an ex-cartoonist myself, I know you never show line art that's not 600 DPI.
00:10:18.000 It's an insult to the artist.
00:10:19.000 And you'll notice on his website, when you click on something, it takes a good five seconds to load because it's getting the proper pixelization.
00:10:28.000 That sucks.
00:10:30.000 It's like a furry.
00:10:32.000 You blew it, Derek.
00:10:33.000 What's next?
00:10:36.000 That is really awesome.
00:10:36.000 Wow.
00:10:37.000 That's the same guy who did the...
00:10:41.000 He was coming out of it.
00:10:42.000 Does the hand look weird?
00:10:44.000 The bud hand?
00:10:46.000 Well, the only hand you see?
00:10:48.000 Can you zoom in on that?
00:10:50.000 Yep.
00:10:52.000 The bud hand does look a little odd, but he changed the whole background and gave him a leather jacket.
00:10:57.000 Okay, dude, we appreciate your extra work.
00:11:00.000 That's a leather jacket to you?
00:11:02.000 Oh, a denim jacket.
00:11:04.000 And I know I'm pushing it because it's free work, but do you think you could make the hand look a little more normal?
00:11:10.000 It looks like a deer's hoof right now.
00:11:13.000 I don't care if we can't see much of Budweiser.
00:11:15.000 In fact, if we ever make this as a shirt, that would be better for us to hide as much as the Bud as possible.
00:11:22.000 You could tilt that forward too, so it looks like it's natural.
00:11:26.000 So yeah, if you could just make that more of a normal hand and less of a deer hoof on that, we would really appreciate it, sir.
00:11:32.000 But that is a fucking winner right there.
00:11:35.000 What else do you got?
00:11:37.000 Oh, yeah, he did some other ones.
00:11:39.000 No, I don't.
00:11:41.000 No one wants to wear that.
00:11:43.000 I certainly don't.
00:11:44.000 Yeah, that's a gay dude.
00:11:46.000 Oh, dude, it's you on the shirt with the heels on your face.
00:11:50.000 Yeah, no, I said corny 80s with flowers and stuff, like an iron on.
00:11:54.000 He's got a black flag one.
00:11:56.000 That's pretty good.
00:11:58.000 He's got a clash one?
00:11:59.000 Wow, this guy's good.
00:12:01.000 And there's a shift.
00:12:02.000 I can't see the people in there.
00:12:07.000 Yeah, there's Schiff, Maxine Waters.
00:12:14.000 I don't get that, though.
00:12:15.000 We want to have sex with these horrible people? 0.97
00:12:18.000 Fuck you with heels on. 0.96
00:12:20.000 I guess just like...
00:12:21.000 Okay, whatever.
00:12:21.000 A few guys.
00:12:22.000 What's next?
00:12:22.000 We got...
00:12:26.000 I wonder if Black Flag could sue you for stealing their logo.
00:12:30.000 I bet they didn't bother with that.
00:12:33.000 That one's pretty cool.
00:12:35.000 Yeah.
00:12:36.000 Still slightly homoerotic, just like the anime one, but.
00:12:39.000 Yeah, I don't mind that.
00:12:41.000 It's a little too perfect and clean, and I don't know.
00:12:44.000 It's really, really good, though.
00:12:46.000 But it lacks heart.
00:12:48.000 Yeah, if we had like a potato chip company, that would be perfect.
00:12:51.000 It's a little too clinical and perfect.
00:12:54.000 We want a little bit of sloppiness.
00:12:56.000 If you're a werewolf who drinks bud, you're kind of sloppy, you know? 0.94
00:13:00.000 That's too good, Brandon.
00:13:02.000 But very good.
00:13:04.000 Next.
00:13:05.000 That's gay. 1.00
00:13:07.000 Out for butt. 0.98
00:13:08.000 Next.
00:13:10.000 Are you sure all these people want their names used, Ryan?
00:13:12.000 The people that didn't include the names, I just put their first name.
00:13:16.000 But the people that signed it know that we've been looking at Out for Bud.
00:13:22.000 That's weird.
00:13:24.000 Doesn't look like me.
00:13:25.000 When you give me a chin, I'm unrecognizable.
00:13:27.000 Next.
00:13:30.000 That's awesome.
00:13:31.000 And I don't think Budweiser could sue us.
00:13:34.000 Not at all.
00:13:36.000 Thought to give you some more options.
00:13:37.000 I might print better in t-shirts, throw in a concept with a vampire since Out for Blood.
00:13:41.000 Bud concept seems to work better with a vampire, but that might just be me, whatever.
00:13:44.000 Oh yeah, you didn't follow the...
00:13:48.000 That's pretty cool.
00:13:49.000 That's so weird.
00:13:50.000 It's high quality.
00:13:52.000 Keep going?
00:13:54.000 That one's funny to look at on a screen, but it has no use.
00:13:57.000 But yeah, that's pretty good.
00:14:00.000 I'm going to save all these.
00:14:02.000 And I have this little group of dads in my suburban town, MAGA dads.
00:14:08.000 And instead of just, I used to just send them the beer emoji, but now I'm just going to send them a different one of these.
00:14:13.000 And they'll go, dude, you're a graphic design wizard.
00:14:16.000 Because I'm just going to, they don't watch this show.
00:14:18.000 And I'm going to slowly just leak them out over the next year.
00:14:21.000 Like, hey guys, I'm out for Bud.
00:14:22.000 What about you?
00:14:24.000 And eventually they'll just go, do you do anything but make these?
00:14:29.000 What's your job?
00:14:30.000 So many different styles.
00:14:31.000 Yeah, you have an incredible range.
00:14:34.000 And then it'll be weird to hang out with because they'll think I'm a megalomaniac who spends hours drawing myself.
00:14:39.000 And then when you're done with them, they're like, so when's the next one?
00:14:42.000 It's like a thing.
00:14:43.000 And now I'm a slave to my bit.
00:14:45.000 Slave to my bit.
00:14:45.000 Yeah.
00:14:48.000 Oh, we didn't talk about the opening song.
00:14:50.000 That was Jerry Cinnamon, new hit.
00:14:53.000 I don't know if I like it as much.
00:14:55.000 It doesn't smell like out of the park.
00:14:57.000 What do you think?
00:14:57.000 It reminds me of Sometimes a lot.
00:14:59.000 Too much so?
00:15:00.000 Is he already done?
00:15:01.000 Sometimes some.
00:15:02.000 No, it's just a sophomore slot.
00:15:04.000 We're going to see him on this tour.
00:15:06.000 Oh, he's going to Asbury Park.
00:15:08.000 Yeah.
00:15:09.000 Yeah.
00:15:09.000 I got you a ticket.
00:15:11.000 Yeah.
00:15:11.000 No.
00:15:12.000 Ooh, det rules.
00:15:14.000 We're going to go with Huey, my boxing dad pal.
00:15:16.000 That is awesome.
00:15:18.000 New fighting with Larry Barnes, which I believe he thinks is called Boxing Talk this weekend.
00:15:25.000 And he's doing the fight we just saw, Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury.
00:15:31.000 You know, all it takes, the thing I love about boxing is just one thing can go wrong.
00:15:37.000 Like you get pregnant when you're 16 and now you're stuck at home and he's a loser and he's gone.
00:15:45.000 He's some Japanese hairdresser who's not going to stick around and you're left there with your Puerto Rican family and your kid. 0.99
00:15:52.000 And that's your whole life, boom, at a 45 degree turn.
00:15:55.000 And boxing is the same, but in a microcosm.
00:15:58.000 Deontay Wilder got hit in the ear so hard that I believe it created a vacuum.
00:16:05.000 So the boxing glove, because it's malleable, pushed the air out of his ear.
00:16:11.000 And then when it came back, it sucked his ear drum out and tore it to shreds.
00:16:18.000 That's why it was bleeding.
00:16:19.000 So it's exactly like a plunger.
00:16:22.000 Imagine you took a plunger to a guy's ear.
00:16:23.000 I'm like, chung, chung. 1.00
00:16:25.000 That's what happened to him.
00:16:26.000 I don't think it was so much the impact as the vacuum.
00:16:30.000 Anyway, Larry's going to be breaking that down frame for frame.
00:16:33.000 He calls it a...
00:16:43.000 Lot of racial shit this year.
00:16:45.000 He's got one volume, Larry.
00:16:48.000 And there, there's nothing wrong with that.
00:16:53.000 He says the weirdest shit to me, too.
00:16:55.000 He's like, yo, I couldn't believe this, but I got an invitation to Chappaqua.
00:16:59.000 The Clintons are having this big dinner and they're having all these different guests.
00:17:02.000 And I guess one of them is a boxing fan.
00:17:04.000 They're having me come down.
00:17:06.000 And they need a driver.
00:17:08.000 So I thought, why don't you be the driver?
00:17:10.000 And just like, you get a hat and gloves, and then I'll walk in, walk in with me.
00:17:13.000 You can meet people, whatever, and then get out of there.
00:17:15.000 Wait around for me, whatever.
00:17:17.000 Can you imagine?
00:17:17.000 And I go, really?
00:17:19.000 I mean, you were big 30 years ago.
00:17:22.000 The Clintons don't strike me as boxing fans.
00:17:25.000 But simultaneously, I'm thinking, I got to get on Amazon now and buy a driving hat and white gloves.
00:17:30.000 She probably knows you by face.
00:17:32.000 Yeah, that would be the other fun thing.
00:17:34.000 It's like, Hillary, hi.
00:17:36.000 I'm the driver.
00:17:37.000 King, oing, oing.
00:17:39.000 The one that's never leaving.
00:17:41.000 Just like, yeah, just like De Niro in Cape Fear.
00:17:44.000 What is he called?
00:17:45.000 Barrister?
00:17:46.000 Oh, fuck.
00:17:48.000 I always forget this word.
00:17:50.000 And somebody scolded us via lawyer.
00:17:56.000 They scolded you for not remembering it.
00:17:59.000 In an email, I could recall that, but I don't remember.
00:18:01.000 Just look up De Niro, you know.
00:18:04.000 Actually, Cape Fear, it's the first scene that'll come up.
00:18:07.000 Hello, Mr. Lawyer Guy.
00:18:10.000 No, that's not scary.
00:18:12.000 Hello, guy who represented me poorly and left out details in the trial.
00:18:16.000 No, that's not gotten a lot of zing.
00:18:18.000 Do you recognize any of these?
00:18:20.000 See, he's in a car.
00:18:22.000 Okay, car scene.
00:18:23.000 Oh, God.
00:18:23.000 What's the matter with my brain?
00:18:25.000 Come out wherever you are.
00:18:26.000 No, have you seen this fucking movie, Ryan?
00:18:28.000 No.
00:18:29.000 God damn it.
00:18:30.000 Wait, is that it?
00:18:31.000 This one?
00:18:32.000 No, that 1991.
00:18:34.000 Let me see, y'all.
00:18:36.000 It might be in the trailer.
00:18:41.000 We got to see your logos in the fucking trailer.
00:18:45.000 That's the thing I want to do with you, Ryan.
00:18:47.000 Let's go to my home theater, project the movie Hustlers on ourselves so we don't get in trouble for showing it, right?
00:18:58.000 On ourselves.
00:18:59.000 On ourselves.
00:18:59.000 Oh, okay.
00:19:00.000 It'll still be the screen there, but we'll be sitting there.
00:19:03.000 So we'll have all these weird faces and stuff.
00:19:05.000 And then with the volume off, just try to guess the movie.
00:19:08.000 Because I saw when I was on my flight, someone at an angle was watching it, and I was watching it over their shoulder, and I could just see the whole movie.
00:19:15.000 Yeah.
00:19:16.000 Like you don't, it's so derivative and obvious that you don't need the volume to watch hustlers.
00:19:23.000 I've not seen it.
00:19:25.000 So I'll see if that's at home.
00:19:26.000 See if you can find him on a trailers used to stink.
00:19:31.000 Yeah, look at that font bouncing all over the place.
00:19:33.000 Oh, it's a shaft in him somehow, right?
00:19:38.000 What was he in prison for?
00:19:39.000 No, really?
00:19:40.000 What the what should you do?
00:19:42.000 Barrister?
00:19:43.000 Small town every way too.
00:19:45.000 Does he say it?
00:19:46.000 I don't know.
00:19:47.000 No, there it is.
00:19:48.000 I was his lawyer.
00:19:51.000 But you shafted him somehow, right?
00:19:53.000 What was he in prison for?
00:19:55.000 No, really.
00:19:55.000 What the what should you do?
00:19:57.000 Have you been following me?
00:19:59.000 Small town.
00:19:59.000 Every way you turn.
00:20:00.000 I guess we're gonna run into each other.
00:20:03.000 Dad, you shouldn't have just punched him out.
00:20:05.000 Yeah, you're gonna have to go back.
00:20:08.000 Before we knew that actors had ridiculous political convertible car. 1.00
00:20:19.000 Sorry about this, folks.
00:20:21.000 You're at the whim of my memory, and I know you're sitting at home going, it's called the Destitute.
00:20:28.000 Destitute.
00:20:29.000 Isn't it Cape Fear?
00:20:30.000 Shut up. 0.95
00:20:30.000 Destitute. 0.95
00:20:31.000 Counselor.
00:20:35.000 How about Ryan's two cents?
00:20:36.000 The guy who represented him was maybe Destitute?
00:20:39.000 That's the name of the scene.
00:20:41.000 So I was like, Destitute.
00:20:42.000 Let's hear it again.
00:20:43.000 It's a great scene.
00:20:46.000 Twitter ruined celebrities.
00:20:52.000 Afternoon, Counselor.
00:20:57.000 what do you want mr katie They're great at that age, ain't they?
00:21:10.000 All those discoverers ahead of them.
00:21:12.000 You're lucky, Cancellor.
00:21:14.000 My own daughter, she don't even know me after I went to the house. 0.96
00:21:18.000 The weird thing with this movie is he is a murderer.
00:21:20.000 He didn't do the crime.
00:21:21.000 He just didn't like the way the evidence was presented.
00:21:26.000 I see that.
00:21:30.000 So yeah, get back to that Jerry Cinnamon song.
00:21:34.000 Do we think it's a hit?
00:21:36.000 Hit or shit?
00:21:37.000 Hit or shit, folks.
00:21:39.000 You tell us.
00:21:42.000 Oh, we're debuting a new thing in the mailbag today.
00:21:44.000 It's called the suggestion box.
00:21:48.000 Okay, shush.
00:21:51.000 This is where my dad grew up.
00:21:52.000 There will be another place for you and me.
00:21:55.000 Endless time, love.
00:21:58.000 Nothing really matters really.
00:22:00.000 I hope one day long.
00:22:04.000 You can open up your eyes and you will see.
00:22:07.000 It's only destiny.
00:22:09.000 Where we go with this shit don't matter.
00:22:12.000 La la la la la la. 0.78
00:22:18.000 You're right, it's too close to sometimes.
00:22:21.000 It's like someone wanted to do sometimes, but they couldn't get the rights.
00:22:26.000 So the movie company just said, well, make a song like that.
00:22:29.000 And hire the same guy.
00:22:30.000 Yeah.
00:22:31.000 Which we did with Fights with Larry Barnes.
00:22:33.000 You know, we could put that on YouTube?
00:22:35.000 It's not Eye of the Tiger.
00:22:35.000 Yeah.
00:22:36.000 Yeah, no.
00:22:37.000 Nope.
00:22:38.000 It will not line up.
00:22:41.000 Do we have any pictures of my baseball stuff?
00:22:43.000 Let me see, y'all.
00:22:45.000 Baseball, we got two.
00:22:48.000 What do we got?
00:22:49.000 The problem is my son is in all the pictures, and I don't want to show my son.
00:22:52.000 Oh, I thought this was funny.
00:22:54.000 So the new Mets training stadium has these old legends, old Mets legend, photoshopped with newer guys, more recent guys.
00:23:02.000 But isn't it funny how they kept them segregated?
00:23:04.000 They look the same.
00:23:07.000 They look very similar.
00:23:09.000 Teethy smile to the left.
00:23:09.000 Okay.
00:23:11.000 Big eyebrows.
00:23:12.000 No, my point is that segregation continues.
00:23:14.000 And it's like, yeah, show everyone getting along from the 50s and 60s, or from the 60s till now.
00:23:19.000 But make sure the whites stay with the whites and the blacks stay with the blacks. 0.99
00:23:23.000 And make sure when the buses leave, there's a white bus and a black bus.
00:23:27.000 Okay?
00:23:30.000 What else?
00:23:31.000 What's the other picture?
00:23:33.000 Oh, yeah, I love this.
00:23:35.000 I'm sorry I didn't get the whole thing.
00:23:36.000 He stood up very rarely, but he made a shirt with, I think, a paintbrush.
00:23:42.000 That wasn't a marker, so it's really sloppy, but you could tell by the font that it was done with a brush, very slowly, maybe with like modeling paint.
00:23:49.000 And it said, MLB teams shop at Macy's.
00:23:53.000 The Wilpons, that's who owns the Mets, shop at flea markets.
00:23:57.000 Wow.
00:23:59.000 How weird is that?
00:24:01.000 What is that showing?
00:24:01.000 That they're blue collar and that they're...
00:24:05.000 They buy garbage players.
00:24:07.000 Once again, Ryan gets it wrong.
00:24:11.000 Also in the news about my trip.
00:24:14.000 God, it's hot in here.
00:24:15.000 How is it hot on a Winter's Day?
00:24:18.000 On a Winter's Day.
00:24:21.000 So get this.
00:24:22.000 So we're at the hotel, me and my son, and we're in Palm Beach because we were there for the Palm Beach game.
00:24:29.000 And someone goes, don't do housekeeping.
00:24:33.000 And then I go, what?
00:24:34.000 And I look at my son.
00:24:35.000 It's 10 p.m.
00:24:37.000 We're in bed.
00:24:39.000 Housekeeping.
00:24:41.000 And then the door opens.
00:24:45.000 I go, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:46.000 He goes, oh, sorry.
00:24:48.000 And he's a black guy, but he has an accent.
00:24:50.000 And he has a clipboard and a bunch of towels.
00:24:51.000 And he goes, we just are checking our people.
00:24:53.000 Let's make sure they're okay.
00:24:56.000 And I go, what?
00:24:57.000 I've never heard of it.
00:24:58.000 I've been going to hotels my entire life.
00:25:01.000 And then obviously past 20 years, 30 years, post-vice, including Vice.
00:25:08.000 I mean, I've been in a hotel every weekend.
00:25:10.000 And have you ever in your life, not that you stay at hotels, but have you ever in your life heard of housekeeping at 10 p.m.?
00:25:17.000 It sounds illegal.
00:25:18.000 So then I think, and plus, you're supposed to knock and then wait a long ass time, then knock again, and then maybe use the card.
00:25:28.000 Yeah, but then why would you go into an empty room to check if what?
00:25:32.000 Did we have enough towels?
00:25:33.000 Yeah, that does.
00:25:34.000 I mean, housekeeping goes into empty rooms in the day, in the morning, right, Ryan?
00:25:40.000 Okay.
00:25:40.000 Yeah.
00:25:41.000 Very early.
00:25:43.000 So then I think, oh, some guy is a thief.
00:25:49.000 And so I call the front desk.
00:25:51.000 I go, I don't know if you know this, but there's some housekeeping just came by and walked into our room.
00:25:57.000 I'm ready to murder him, by the way, in my underwear.
00:26:00.000 And they go, oh, we don't know who that is, but we're sending security up.
00:26:04.000 Wow, so then I get dressed and I'm ready to go down.
00:26:07.000 I assume there'll be a guy in handcuffs who stole like the universal key, and the cops there and sirens, and I'll have to answer questions.
00:26:14.000 And I, the by the way, this guy was black, and the security guy was black, and the manager was black.
00:26:19.000 And he comes over and he's, he's got, he's about seven feet tall, and he's kind of missing an eye.
00:26:24.000 And he talks like this, like he leans back, so you're looking up through his nostrils when you talk to him.
00:26:30.000 And he said, Mr. Gavin, yes.
00:26:33.000 That was what we call a final check.
00:26:35.000 I couldn't tell if he had an accent or not.
00:26:38.000 He was so gigantic.
00:26:39.000 What the fuck is your screensaver?
00:26:41.000 Oh.
00:26:43.000 It's a Hey Arnold.
00:26:45.000 A children's show.
00:26:48.000 There's also that.
00:26:49.000 That's your favorite show, is it?
00:26:49.000 You have a children.
00:26:51.000 Hey, Arnold?
00:26:52.000 No, it's all right.
00:26:56.000 Anyway, and I go, so it's not someone who steals Universal Key?
00:27:02.000 And she goes, no one has access to her Universal Key.
00:27:05.000 She's getting pissy at me because I'm in a bad mood and I'm telling them that they've hired an incompetent.
00:27:10.000 And I go, yeah, I know no one has access to her key.
00:27:13.000 I said someone stole it.
00:27:14.000 That was my assumption.
00:27:16.000 But now I'm just realizing we're dealing with never before seen levels of incompetence.
00:27:25.000 What happened with that?
00:27:26.000 It just really pissed me off.
00:27:28.000 Fuck it.
00:27:29.000 Like, what if I was some girl and some giant black man walks into my room? 0.74
00:27:35.000 Does it matter what Russ is?
00:27:37.000 Sure.
00:27:38.000 It's just, that seems illegal.
00:27:42.000 It seems like there would be some sort of protection against the customer.
00:27:42.000 What?
00:27:47.000 Would you shut up?
00:27:48.000 Go back to Out for Bud.
00:27:50.000 Why would it be illegal for a maid to go into a hotel room? 1.00
00:27:52.000 Just to open the door?
00:27:54.000 How do you think maids get into hotel rooms? 1.00
00:27:56.000 Yeah, but at that hour.
00:27:58.000 That's bananas.
00:28:00.000 Wow.
00:28:01.000 Way to make me defend their fucking losers. 0.97
00:28:04.000 That one's pretty cool.
00:28:06.000 You didn't do a very good job with the Budweiser, though.
00:28:09.000 It looks like a bent sausage.
00:28:12.000 All right, next.
00:28:14.000 We saw this.
00:28:15.000 We've already done these.
00:28:16.000 These are all oldie spot goodies.
00:28:17.000 Yeah, we've seen all these, Ryan.
00:28:19.000 Why did you make a PowerPoint of something we've already seen?
00:28:22.000 Just figure add them in there, too.
00:28:24.000 There's just a handful.
00:28:26.000 Yep.
00:28:27.000 Classics.
00:28:28.000 Yep, great stuff.
00:28:33.000 Tim Teebau, there's these women who go to these Mets things. 1.00
00:28:37.000 There was three of them there.
00:28:38.000 They were there at five in the morning, hoping to get some early guys driving into the parking lot.
00:28:44.000 One of the women was about 50.
00:28:46.000 The other was 40.
00:28:48.000 So the 50-year-old looked like an old lesbian, long gray hair, ugly. 1.00
00:28:53.000 The Asian was just like a derivative Asian, no offense, who didn't look like anything. 0.97
00:28:58.000 She's like 30 or something. 0.58
00:29:00.000 And then there was kind of a chubby girl who was moderately attractive. 0.74
00:29:03.000 She looked like she was there just for blowjobs, which she wasn't. 1.00
00:29:06.000 No one wanted.
00:29:07.000 And they were there.
00:29:08.000 They were there from 5 a.m. till 9 a.m. waiting by the parking lot entrance.
00:29:14.000 And they got nothing.
00:29:16.000 And then they were there at the training, all the batting cage stuff when we were there.
00:29:21.000 Isn't that bizarre?
00:29:22.000 I think for a lot of these sad women, it's sort of like New Kids on the Block or InSync for mature women. 0.67
00:29:32.000 Like they know all their names, but they don't know anything about baseball.
00:29:36.000 And they don't care about home runs.
00:29:38.000 They just want to look into Tim Tebau's eyes.
00:29:41.000 Or the hunk who signed one of these balls.
00:29:44.000 What's his name?
00:29:44.000 Tyler Bashler.
00:29:46.000 You know what's funny about him?
00:29:48.000 Me and my son are wearing all Mets gear.
00:29:50.000 We walk up to Chipotle near the stadium.
00:29:54.000 And some guy sees us and goes, and opens the door for us.
00:29:58.000 It's like, well, that's really nice.
00:30:00.000 Kind of too nice, though.
00:30:02.000 And then I'm in the lineup going, that's kind of stupid, dude.
00:30:05.000 Because you just fucked yourself.
00:30:07.000 Because now my son has to order his burrito.
00:30:10.000 Then I order my burrito.
00:30:10.000 You just cost yourself 10 minutes.
00:30:12.000 Why did you do that?
00:30:14.000 And then my son noticed that he kind of looked at him like, yes, it's me in the flesh.
00:30:21.000 Oh.
00:30:21.000 So we started wondering what the fuck we had done.
00:30:24.000 And then my son looks up, arm tattoo Mets, and he sees the guy.
00:30:30.000 And he goes, holy shit, that's Tyler Bashler.
00:30:32.000 He was a relief pitcher, I think, last year.
00:30:34.000 And he pitched last night at last night's game, which we lost.
00:30:38.000 There's a weird thing they're doing now, and it's totally unethical.
00:30:41.000 They split the teams.
00:30:42.000 So the Mets had two games on Friday when we were there.
00:30:47.000 And half played the Cardinals, another half played the Marlins.
00:30:50.000 What?
00:30:51.000 Well, who gets the manager? 0.58
00:30:53.000 And that's because spring training doesn't count as real games.
00:30:56.000 They don't take it seriously.
00:30:57.000 But come on.
00:30:58.000 We're here to watch our team play, not half of the team.
00:31:01.000 Anyway, he was on one of the half teams.
00:31:04.000 And so I said, we had a ball and a pen, of course, and I said, hey, man, do you think you could, I don't want to bother you, but if you could just, and he's like, all right, all right.
00:31:14.000 I knew this was coming.
00:31:15.000 So we managed to save it.
00:31:16.000 And then I thought, I have to explain why I had my back to him this whole time.
00:31:20.000 We could have been riffing in the lineup.
00:31:24.000 And so what I did was I pretended I was flustered.
00:31:28.000 And that's why we weren't talking earlier because I hadn't summoned the courage yet.
00:31:32.000 So then I went, thanks a lot.
00:31:33.000 Thanks.
00:31:35.000 Good luck tonight.
00:31:36.000 Oh, stupid, stupid.
00:31:38.000 Come on.
00:31:40.000 I thought that would help.
00:31:41.000 That's better than not giving a hell about that.
00:31:43.000 That's better than having to Google him.
00:31:46.000 But I want to hear something super gay. 1.00
00:31:49.000 When he opened the door, he's a good-looking young man, you know, nice haircut, tattoos.
00:31:55.000 He's got his little fresh nikes on.
00:31:58.000 And I was thinking to myself, Florida Man is a corny cliche.
00:32:03.000 In fact, Florida Man is such a common headline.
00:32:06.000 You can look up your birth date.
00:32:09.000 Mine's, well, I'm not going to tell you what my birthday is.
00:32:12.000 But you look up your birthday with the word Florida Man, and you can find out the craziest Florida Man story.
00:32:19.000 My friend's Florida Man story is that a guy attached a gun to a weather balloon and shot himself in the head using a pulley system with another weather balloon.
00:32:28.000 So then after he died, the weather balloons Carried the gun away to the Caribbean.
00:32:34.000 And so his family can collect on the life insurance because he didn't commit suicide.
00:32:38.000 He was murdered.
00:32:42.000 He probably scuffled himself up, too, first to show there had been a struggle.
00:32:47.000 Anyway, I was thinking, yeah, okay, there's that Florida man, but there's also a Florida man who's a good-looking, young, hard-working young man who with his shit together, like that hunk, who just opened the door for us.
00:33:00.000 And then it turns out that Hunk was a major baseball star.
00:33:04.000 All right, that's enough baseball for one lifetime.
00:33:08.000 Let's finish off these out for buds. 0.79
00:33:11.000 Oh, we did.
00:33:12.000 We did.
00:33:12.000 All right.
00:33:13.000 I think it's time for the mailbag.
00:33:15.000 Oh, my gosh.
00:33:17.000 I wouldn't lie.
00:33:17.000 Yeah.
00:33:21.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
00:33:25.000 Let's turn our eyes together's mailbag.
00:33:31.000 Let me touch it.
00:33:42.000 Um.
00:33:43.000 Mailback it censored.
00:33:45.000 Or mailback it free.
00:33:51.000 This guy is like, I sent a.
00:33:52.000 I thought the Gary Nightmare had ended.
00:33:54.000 Attaches my video question.
00:33:56.000 And then there's no video attached.
00:33:58.000 So then he says, I sent it in a follow-up email.
00:34:02.000 No, there's no follow-up.
00:34:04.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?
00:34:05.000 Yeah, I'm not seeing that at all.
00:34:06.000 A-R-Y-S? 1.00
00:34:11.000 Anyway, a lot of negative letters about Gary's Mailbag.
00:34:15.000 Fuck you.
00:34:16.000 Gary's Mailbag and Fights with Larry Barnes are my favorite shows outside of Friday Night's All Right.
00:34:25.000 And Sofenpook Re Patriot and Biggs with Joe Biggs.
00:34:28.000 And Copper Gun.
00:34:29.000 And Loomard.
00:34:31.000 Yeah, I love those shows, so fuck you. 0.97
00:34:33.000 Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:34:34.000 I got it.
00:34:35.000 It's in a separate email.
00:34:38.000 He said a separate email, but it doesn't come up here when I look up his name.
00:34:38.000 I know.
00:34:42.000 I found it.
00:34:43.000 Whoa.
00:34:45.000 Video question for Gary.
00:34:47.000 Gary, what are your thoughts on the current state of the economy in the stock market?
00:34:52.000 With more and more cases globally being discovered of the coronavirus, it's taken quite an effect on the stock market in a negative way.
00:35:02.000 Most investors are now taking their money and putting it into safe havens like gold and government-backed bonds.
00:35:08.000 I personally, my 401k plan is invested in bellwether stocks that follow the market trend.
00:35:15.000 So should I stick with the current bellwether stocks or should I go more conservative like gold or government-backed bonds?
00:35:22.000 Let me know.
00:35:23.000 Thanks, pal.
00:35:23.000 Keep up the good work.
00:35:25.000 What do you guess his answer will be?
00:35:27.000 Well, you got to do what you think is best.
00:35:31.000 Well, it depends.
00:35:32.000 If you want to, you know, see a trending positive curve forward, then maybe you can go there for the long run.
00:35:38.000 Maybe he'll say, look, if you were to graph the stock market from 1900 till now, you see a 45-degree trend.
00:35:46.000 So just ride it out.
00:35:47.000 It can't last for long.
00:35:49.000 And if you sell something, you might have actualized losses that you wouldn't normally have if you just waited through.
00:35:57.000 No, he's going to say, he's going to say, you got to do what you think is best.
00:36:02.000 And then when we say, well, the coronavirus, the Dow is down more than a thousand points.
00:36:07.000 Do you think that's consequential?
00:36:09.000 Yes.
00:36:10.000 So what should we do?
00:36:11.000 Well, it's up to you.
00:36:13.000 That's what I love about Gary.
00:36:15.000 His advice is so useless.
00:36:23.000 Matthew Walkup.
00:36:25.000 This video.
00:36:26.000 No, no, no.
00:36:30.000 This is from Anthony.
00:36:31.000 5% Sturgeon's Law.
00:36:35.000 Gav, by the way, it's called Sturgeon's Law.
00:36:37.000 I used to say 5% of everything was crap.
00:36:40.000 I was so proud of my theory and would pontificate and throw it around at parties and stuff until I was told that someone already thought of it.
00:36:47.000 Some sci-fi writer named Sturgeon.
00:36:50.000 Sturgeon's Law.
00:36:52.000 No, Sturgeon's Law is 90% of everything is crap.
00:36:58.000 Right?
00:37:00.000 You want to look that up, Brian?
00:37:01.000 Sturgeon's Law, sure.
00:37:06.000 So that's got nothing to do with what I'm saying.
00:37:10.000 I never even said 95% of everything is crap.
00:37:13.000 That's a totally different law.
00:37:14.000 Theodore Sturgeon, 90% of everything is crap.
00:37:17.000 Yeah.
00:37:18.000 So dude, that's not even close to what I'm saying.
00:37:21.000 What I'm saying is when you see a pattern, it's generally 95% true.
00:37:26.000 And there's always a 5% exception.
00:37:29.000 5% of people should go on to secondary education.
00:37:32.000 95% should get trades.
00:37:34.000 5% of women should be in the workforce. 1.00
00:37:37.000 95% should stay at home.
00:37:39.000 5% of the people in prison deserve to be there.
00:37:42.000 They're incompatible with society.
00:37:44.000 95% shouldn't be there.
00:37:46.000 It's bad decisions or a terrible welfare system or some drug bullshit that got them there.
00:37:53.000 So it was 595.
00:37:54.000 It's like a magical number.
00:37:56.000 Nothing to do with Sturgeon's Law whatsoever.
00:37:59.000 This is one of the oldest symbols.
00:38:04.000 Oh, this is the guy who sent Max in prison the meme book.
00:38:09.000 They might not accept it because it's hardcover.
00:38:11.000 I believe he got it, dude.
00:38:13.000 So maybe they don't give hardcover books to people, but they do to Max because they like him a lot because he's wrongfully imprisoned.
00:38:21.000 What else do I have with the blue flag?
00:38:23.000 I flag the good letters blue.
00:38:26.000 This is from Megan, female fans.
00:38:28.000 Dear Gavin and Ryan, I'm a nearby fan from the notorious Blue State, Connecticut.
00:38:33.000 You should move to Darien, my dear.
00:38:35.000 Darien is Trump country.
00:38:37.000 And the other day there was this black actor, gay dude, who's on this show, and we go, yo, you that empire nigga. 0.99
00:38:45.000 And we were wearing ski masks and MAGA hats on top of the ski masks.
00:38:49.000 So when you get a MAGA hat and you're wearing a ski mask, you have to get a size bigger because of the wool.
00:38:54.000 That is true.
00:38:55.000 It will stretch over time, but who's got time for that?
00:38:58.000 We told him this is MAGA country.
00:38:59.000 And then we got a Thin little, almost like a shoelace.
00:39:03.000 Thin little rope.
00:39:04.000 Tiny rope.
00:39:05.000 Tiny rope.
00:39:06.000 A lot of bleach.
00:39:07.000 That we put around his neck as a noose that he left on for a long time.
00:39:12.000 A lot of bleach.
00:39:12.000 We poured bleach on him to try to make him white.
00:39:14.000 Didn't work.
00:39:15.000 A little bit doesn't work.
00:39:16.000 We didn't rob him for some reason.
00:39:18.000 No robbery.
00:39:19.000 No robbery.
00:39:20.000 We were hungry for Subway 2.
00:39:22.000 And we happened to recognize him.
00:39:23.000 This is a show we watch.
00:39:24.000 We watch the show all the time.
00:39:26.000 We stole his sub.
00:39:28.000 Give me that.
00:39:28.000 Back home to mommy.
00:39:30.000 How about a no-inch sub for you? 1.00
00:39:31.000 I just wanted to be...
00:39:41.000 No, I will not admit that.
00:39:43.000 I will not shit on my friends no matter what.
00:39:46.000 No.
00:39:47.000 Maybe after Trump gets elected and this fucking crazy culture war is over and we come out on top, maybe then I can start being a little bitch. 1.00
00:39:55.000 But right now, I'm all about unity.
00:39:59.000 Ben Shapiro, love you, Ben.
00:40:01.000 All the never Trumpers, love you.
00:40:03.000 Well, hold on now.
00:40:04.000 There's some fucking real cunts on the other side. 1.00
00:40:07.000 So we're not going to watch that.
00:40:08.000 Like Bill Crystal.
00:40:09.000 A lot of fucking virtue signals.
00:40:12.000 And baby, young Jaby.
00:40:12.000 Baby, Yuck JB agrees.
00:40:14.000 Baby Yuck Jaby agrees with me.
00:40:16.000 You know who you really support is Trump.
00:40:18.000 Let's take these one step at a time.
00:40:20.000 He's lucky that his shirt is so loose on his neck.
00:40:23.000 I got to get all new shirts.
00:40:24.000 My neck got fat.
00:40:26.000 It looks like freedom.
00:40:27.000 By the way, tomorrow's episode, I will be applying Rogane to this.
00:40:31.000 Joe Rogan?
00:40:32.000 Joe Rogan.
00:40:33.000 Wow, that's hairy, man.
00:40:34.000 Because Clomiphene, my testosterone booster, has made me go bald.
00:40:40.000 So I quit.
00:40:41.000 But I'll explain all that tomorrow.
00:40:43.000 This is the Mets episode.
00:40:47.000 I am 27 years old.
00:40:48.000 I just wanted to be one more reminder that you have female fans. 1.00
00:40:52.000 Let's say viewers.
00:40:54.000 I am also probably a little sexist towards women, but they are highly neurotic. 1.00
00:40:59.000 Anyway, I sent a picture because I wanted you to rate me using your famed scale.
00:41:03.000 No hard feelings, I promise.
00:41:05.000 I like you more than a friend, and I want to fuck you with my heels on. 0.96
00:41:09.000 It's not as funny when girls do it. 1.00
00:41:11.000 Yeah.
00:41:11.000 It gives me a boner, especially when they're 27 and in great shape.
00:41:17.000 You know what I've noticed on my computer?
00:41:18.000 Double-clicking attachments doesn't open them anymore.
00:41:21.000 That's bow craps. 0.93
00:41:23.000 Isn't that weird?
00:41:24.000 That sucks.
00:41:25.000 So I have to drag it into preview.
00:41:26.000 There's some skulls there on the back so that she's like, badass, you know? 1.00
00:41:32.000 Yeah, I'm not looking for her personality.
00:41:34.000 That's a scarf.
00:41:35.000 Let's see here.
00:41:36.000 So she's got very dark eyes, like haemophilia eyes.
00:41:40.000 Why did you take her picture down?
00:41:41.000 She's got hemophilia. 1.00
00:41:43.000 No, put her and us on the same fucking thing.
00:41:45.000 Why is this so complicated?
00:41:48.000 Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
00:41:50.000 Obviously, very attractive.
00:41:52.000 Young girl, great figure.
00:41:54.000 I like brunettes. 1.00
00:41:56.000 The dark around the eyes, I kind of like.
00:42:00.000 What do you think, Rygai?
00:42:02.000 Six is way too mean.
00:42:04.000 Seven feels reasonable.
00:42:07.000 I'll go with you on that.
00:42:08.000 Yeah, it seems about right.
00:42:10.000 6.9 feels mean.
00:42:13.000 I know she's going to be disappointed, by the way.
00:42:15.000 When girls get called a seven, they're furious. 1.00
00:42:19.000 They're like, I'm a 10.
00:42:21.000 Okay, you're a 10.
00:42:22.000 And you know what I also, when any girl asks me, because it's fun when it's dudes at a bar and you're like, what do you think you are?
00:42:28.000 And then we're all laughing because we've never looked at each other that way.
00:42:31.000 And we're like, and then like one thing I like to say to men is, do you think you're more handsome than me?
00:42:36.000 And usually they'll go, yeah, yeah.
00:42:39.000 Yeah, always.
00:42:40.000 I think that's pretty obvious.
00:42:41.000 No matter what.
00:42:42.000 They're almost embarrassed.
00:42:43.000 Like, I don't know why you brought this up.
00:42:45.000 I don't know why you want to fight Tyson Fury.
00:42:47.000 I don't know why you just self-deprecated by asking.
00:42:49.000 I don't need why you just picked a fight with one of the best looking guys in the world.
00:42:54.000 And then a girl will show up and she'll be like, what am I? 0.60
00:42:57.000 And then the joke is gone.
00:42:59.000 And now I'm like, well, let's see.
00:43:00.000 You're fat, so that's not good.
00:43:03.000 And you've got weird nostrils that are asymmetrical, so your face looks weird.
00:43:08.000 You can't, it's not fun anymore.
00:43:10.000 Yeah.
00:43:11.000 Anyway, I could go as high as 7.2.
00:43:15.000 I don't think I could go below a 7.
00:43:19.000 I know you want to be an 8, but come on, lady. 1.00
00:43:22.000 We can't be throwing 8s around like it ain't no thing. 1.00
00:43:24.000 Like it ain't no thank.
00:43:28.000 I like the personality.
00:43:32.000 I like the little hints that she's like a rockin' chick. 0.95
00:43:35.000 The skulls?
00:43:36.000 Yeah, the purple...
00:43:37.000 Yeah, she's... 0.99
00:43:41.000 What that?
00:43:43.000 This guy says, this is from Jacob.
00:43:47.000 And we haven't built a graphic for this, but Ryan, in the future, could you make a little thing called suggestion box?
00:43:53.000 Suggestion box.
00:43:54.000 It's time for the suggestion box.
00:43:56.000 And I've noticed we get suggestions on a daily basis.
00:43:59.000 People would like us to get Sam Hyde.
00:44:01.000 They'd like us to get that kangaroo guy, Atheism is Unstoppable. 0.99
00:44:05.000 They'd like us to get Nick Fuentes.
00:44:06.000 They'd like us to...
00:44:16.000 So try to frame him a little differently.
00:44:19.000 Okay.
00:44:22.000 I actually had a suggestion for a template.
00:44:25.000 I'll try out.
00:44:26.000 If you like it, maybe we'll do it.
00:44:28.000 Okay.
00:44:28.000 For what?
00:44:29.000 The suggestion box?
00:44:30.000 So that note for Gary.
00:44:32.000 For Larry.
00:44:33.000 Sorry.
00:44:34.000 So he will never get one.
00:44:35.000 We're ignoring that.
00:44:37.000 No, I thought about this before this guy.
00:44:37.000 Right.
00:44:39.000 Okay, from Jacob, do an episode in a dog pound.
00:44:43.000 That's a fun idea.
00:44:45.000 And let busted Jamie C. Princess, whatever the hell that is. 1.00
00:44:49.000 What is Busted Jamie C Princess?
00:44:52.000 I think it's anti-Semitic.
00:44:54.000 Again, terrible theory.
00:44:54.000 No?
00:44:56.000 That's what you call the girl who works there? 1.00
00:44:58.000 They do look pretty busted usually.
00:45:00.000 And they always have tattoos of dogs on them, don't they?
00:45:03.000 Whenever I see those women at those dog pens, I just want to buy them a calculator. 1.00
00:45:06.000 You're not helping.
00:45:08.000 There's not a finite amount of dogs.
00:45:11.000 They're infinite.
00:45:12.000 They're like insects.
00:45:13.000 Go save some fucking cockroaches while you're at it. 1.00
00:45:16.000 Go save some rats.
00:45:18.000 How are they different?
00:45:20.000 I mean, they're smarter, I guess.
00:45:21.000 They're cuter, but I just want to save animals with big eyes.
00:45:25.000 Oh, really?
00:45:26.000 The snake population is doing really badly.
00:45:28.000 Not my problem.
00:45:29.000 They're gross.
00:45:31.000 It's like a more intense Build-A-Bear shop.
00:45:33.000 Yeah.
00:45:34.000 A vet in the hospital.
00:45:35.000 And aren't you just encouraging them to make more strays when you bring them back to life and fucking feed them?
00:45:40.000 Just shoot them in the head.
00:45:43.000 Give them to Chinese people for lunch. 0.99
00:45:45.000 Give them to PETA. 0.51
00:45:46.000 They'll kill them for you. 0.97
00:45:47.000 And let Busted Jamie C. Princess pick out five dogs for you to pet while you look into the camera and say, I feel nothing.
00:45:53.000 You're so full of shit.
00:45:55.000 Thank you for your suggestion, Jacob.
00:45:57.000 I'll be promptly crumpling this up.
00:46:00.000 Like, I really want to go get the releases, find a dog pound, go there with the noise.
00:46:05.000 There's shit everywhere at those things.
00:46:07.000 They fucking reek.
00:46:09.000 And find some animal that's been shipped up here from a kill shelter in Kentucky and pet his gross fur and pretend I give a shit about this dog.
00:46:20.000 I will feel nothing.
00:46:22.000 Yes, puppies are cute. 1.00
00:46:23.000 Doy, we spent thousands of years making these animals into these wimpy little pussies, although wolf puppies are cute too. 0.57
00:46:31.000 But the fact that you love dogs makes you look like a loser because we bred them to love you.
00:46:38.000 So we make this animal love you unconditionally.
00:46:40.000 It used to be a wolf.
00:46:41.000 You know what a wolf does?
00:46:42.000 It waits for you to be not looking so it can sink its teeth into your neck. 0.94
00:46:45.000 That's what they naturally are.
00:46:47.000 We turned a wolf into that, that freak.
00:46:52.000 And you could put a wolf pup next to that and it would still look immoral.
00:46:56.000 And you're like, it's my friend.
00:47:01.000 God, you're a child if you think puppies are, well, if you spend more than a second noticing that puppies are cute.
00:47:10.000 Baby alligators are cute.
00:47:11.000 We went on this thing in Florida.
00:47:14.000 We rented one of those big boats with the propeller on the back.
00:47:21.000 Oh, I had a voice note too.
00:47:22.000 I want to do a video.
00:47:24.000 I think I made a, I think I recorded it on my phone, but it'll probably be hard to find.
00:47:32.000 There's a baby, uh...
00:47:34.000 Doge.
00:47:34.000 Doge.
00:47:34.000 The 10 cops have killed themselves short of the basement.
00:47:39.000 The environmentalist, I think, of a mother of earth and all that shit that's on the floor.
00:47:45.000 He comes with an actual redneck. 0.99
00:47:47.000 And, uh, he says, yeah, those are crackles.
00:47:50.000 I call them pro third crackles. 1.00
00:47:52.000 They hang around the hub, my boat, looking for bugs.
00:47:55.000 Okay, that was an interesting story.
00:47:57.000 I was driving that thing.
00:47:57.000 I don't know.
00:47:58.000 I kept coming up with the best ideas.
00:48:02.000 It's a real ideas machine.
00:48:04.000 But I noticed the guy I rented it from, there was something on the front of the boat when we were taking it out.
00:48:09.000 And I go, what's that?
00:48:11.000 And he goes, oh, I call them crows, but they're cracklers, I think he called them.
00:48:16.000 Like the real name?
00:48:18.000 And he goes, they sit on the boat, on the front of my boat, hoping to catch bugs and stuff that may have got hit or are stuck to the front of it or something like that.
00:48:25.000 They're looking for food.
00:48:26.000 And I thought, isn't that a perfect example of how environmentalists that you see in the city, that you come across, the ones that say, how dare you?
00:48:36.000 They don't know any specifics.
00:48:38.000 Like they go, this is Mother Nature.
00:48:40.000 We only get one planet.
00:48:42.000 Mother Nature's hella pissed. 1.00
00:48:44.000 Look, there's plastic on the beaches somewhere.
00:48:47.000 I don't know where.
00:48:48.000 I don't know why the plastic gets there.
00:48:50.000 But they don't know anything about nature.
00:48:51.000 Then you talk to a guy who hunts ducks and you hear him talk about the cattails.
00:48:56.000 And actually, there's two different types of grass there.
00:48:58.000 I know they look the same, but you see these tall ones?
00:49:01.000 This is where all the starlings hang out.
00:49:07.000 This is where the starlings, they'll kick you right out of your nest, too.
00:49:10.000 But starlings and the cardinals always competed here.
00:49:13.000 Starlings always won.
00:49:14.000 Just they outnumbered them.
00:49:15.000 So we don't even know what to do.
00:49:17.000 I mean, Cardinals have left this whole area.
00:49:19.000 And then you see that area there, that used to be all salt water.
00:49:23.000 Now we keep it pressured with these locks and freshwater stays there just to pressurize it, keep saltwater out.
00:49:29.000 Because as soon as that salt water comes in, you lose all the wildlife, deer gone, everything's gone.
00:49:34.000 And you think, oh, you actually know about the actual environment.
00:49:38.000 And you don't use these motherhood statements like, mother nature is our only nature and trees have feelings.
00:49:47.000 If you're speaking in generalizations, you don't know what you're talking about.
00:49:50.000 You don't really care.
00:49:52.000 Ducks Unlimited, the redneck who rented me that boat, these people actually care about the real environment. 0.99
00:49:58.000 And that's why they know the names of all the birds and all the vermin.
00:50:04.000 But show the baby alligators?
00:50:06.000 Mother Nature's hella pissed. 1.00
00:50:08.000 Shut the fuck up, Homo. 1.00
00:50:12.000 There they are.
00:50:12.000 Now those are cute.
00:50:14.000 Am I weeping inside?
00:50:15.000 Do I have to take one home?
00:50:20.000 I think the guy who rented me the boat feeds them.
00:50:23.000 He says, it's legal to feed him.
00:50:25.000 I don't feed him.
00:50:26.000 Really?
00:50:27.000 Why do they keep approaching the boat?
00:50:29.000 And when I go near the cooler, they really, all the babies can't get enough of it.
00:50:33.000 Why do they know your name?
00:50:34.000 And they keep repeating.
00:50:35.000 Why is your nickname Nuggets?
00:50:38.000 You fucking liar.
00:50:39.000 Because of course it's good for him, right, to have alligators.
00:50:41.000 Dude, we must have seen 100 alligators.
00:50:43.000 And then there's these hunting lodges, hunting camps.
00:50:47.000 And it's supposed to be a big deal.
00:50:48.000 Like, oh, you know, the Driscolls, Driscolls fruit?
00:50:50.000 They got this beautiful palace out there.
00:50:52.000 Grandfather Dan, you're not allowed to build new ones, but they got it air-conditioned.
00:50:56.000 And you go see it.
00:50:57.000 It's this fucking shack.
00:50:59.000 It's a big shack.
00:51:00.000 And I think, I don't, I'm in a swamp.
00:51:03.000 Like, I do not get Floridians.
00:51:05.000 Their idea of, these people are billionaires, probably.
00:51:09.000 And they have this shack.
00:51:11.000 And the hunting season for alligators is like August to September or something, August to October.
00:51:17.000 So it must be 100 degrees in the humid heat.
00:51:20.000 Oh.
00:51:21.000 No, thank you.
00:51:23.000 That was too much of indecence.
00:51:25.000 You can't go in the water.
00:51:26.000 It's not like you can go for a swim there.
00:51:28.000 You'll get eaten.
00:51:31.000 I'm afraid of those things.
00:51:33.000 You should be.
00:51:34.000 Anyway, thank you for your suggestion.
00:51:34.000 Yep.
00:51:37.000 That's going in the garbage.
00:51:39.000 Next at the suggestion box.
00:51:42.000 Kevin, I think it's really charitable of you to take Ryan under your wing and be a father figure for him.
00:51:48.000 However, using your show as a platform for bonding with him is self-sabotage.
00:51:52.000 If you want to help Ryan, give him a job, a leg up.
00:51:55.000 How about you just give him a weekly show or just have some shows where you interact with him and some where you don't?
00:51:59.000 He is Completely distracting you from the issues which need to be discussed and destroying the magic which created your following.
00:52:06.000 Dan.
00:52:07.000 So get rid of Ryan is a suggestion.
00:52:10.000 You ugly.
00:52:12.000 That's a great suggestion.
00:52:14.000 Thank you for that.
00:52:15.000 I'll be thinking about that for hours and hours and hours.
00:52:18.000 I want Ryan as my engineer, and if you don't like that, then turn it off.
00:52:22.000 Go fuck yourself.
00:52:27.000 Wow, good job, Ryan.
00:52:28.000 Right, when you're trying to defend your position.
00:52:30.000 He's right.
00:52:33.000 Copper Cab is funny.
00:52:35.000 He is funny.
00:52:36.000 People who don't think so don't get the joke.
00:52:38.000 I agree.
00:52:40.000 He's on my network.
00:52:40.000 I obviously agree.
00:52:42.000 That said, however, he needs a little bit of direction and input from you, Gavin.
00:52:45.000 Just a bit of creative and editorial to make sure he's on brand.
00:52:48.000 Like, this is why I'm starting this new segment, The Suggestion Box.
00:52:51.000 That's a good one.
00:52:52.000 Go start your own fucking thing. 1.00
00:52:54.000 Like, why are you talking to?
00:52:55.000 I'm 50 years old and you're talking to me like you're my boss.
00:53:00.000 It sounds like HR department.
00:53:01.000 Yeah.
00:53:02.000 Like, who the fuck are you, MJP?
00:53:05.000 Can I see your network?
00:53:07.000 Can I see your shows?
00:53:08.000 Can I see your followers?
00:53:10.000 Can I see your videos?
00:53:11.000 How many viral videos have you made?
00:53:13.000 Why are you telling me how to do my fucking job?
00:53:16.000 Where do you get the arrogance?
00:53:18.000 It's really bizarre to me.
00:53:19.000 I grew up watching stuff, listening to records, reading books.
00:53:22.000 The idea that I would send like the writer of a book, hey, just finished your last book.
00:53:27.000 Try to have less footnotes and sort of focus on the story more and try to have more women in the next book. 1.00
00:53:34.000 Okay, thank you.
00:53:37.000 You have a self-esteem problem, millennials, and it's too much self-esteem. 1.00
00:53:44.000 You better fucking read this.
00:53:45.000 I'm not some millennial fuckstick who thinks they know it all.
00:53:48.000 Whoops.
00:53:49.000 I'm your age and spent most of my adult life working for ad agencies.
00:53:53.000 Ooh, ad agencies.
00:53:56.000 I had an ad agency, and as I keep saying, every time people ask me about that business, I've never seen people with less talent make more money.
00:54:03.000 It is a disaster.
00:54:05.000 Oh, here's an interesting point.
00:54:07.000 My kingdom for a pen?
00:54:09.000 That would be a horse. 0.65
00:54:11.000 From Shakespeare.
00:54:12.000 King Richard is some shit.
00:54:13.000 Ryan's ignorance must really inflate your ego.
00:54:16.000 Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I thought that the saying was, my kingdom for a pen.
00:54:22.000 Is it inconceivable to you, sir, that I wanted a pen really badly and I took the phrase, my kingdom for a horse, and applied it to my personal need for a pen at that particular moment?
00:54:35.000 Is it conceivable to you, sir, that I was being hyperbolic about my need for a pen and dipping into the canon of ancient literature?
00:54:45.000 Is that possible, sir?
00:54:48.000 Jesus.
00:54:50.000 And then he comes up with more tips.
00:54:52.000 Anyways, love you guys.
00:54:53.000 Hire Sam Hyde.
00:54:55.000 Wow, I never thought of that.
00:54:55.000 Thank you.
00:54:57.000 That never occurred to me.
00:54:58.000 Dump loomer and all the unfunny shit, meaning unfunny to him. 0.98
00:55:02.000 That's going again in the suggestion box, which, by the way, is right here.
00:55:09.000 It looks a lot like a trash can.
00:55:10.000 It looks a lot like a garbage, the suggestion box.
00:55:14.000 Ain't nobody got time for this.
00:55:16.000 All right.
00:55:17.000 I think I'm done.
00:55:19.000 Stop sending me suggestions.
00:55:21.000 I've been doing, I started Vice in 1994.
00:55:26.000 How old were you in 1994?
00:55:28.000 Since then, I've gone to create many, many things.
00:55:31.000 And I didn't do it with input from people like you.
00:55:34.000 I'm not looking for tips.
00:55:37.000 I have a vision of what this network will be.
00:55:40.000 I have a vision of who will be on it.
00:55:43.000 And I'm not looking for advice from someone who doesn't have a network.
00:55:47.000 Got it?
00:55:49.000 All right.
00:55:50.000 Oh, I never even got into the news.
00:55:54.000 Harvey Weinstein guilty.
00:55:56.000 I can't believe we're living in a culture that's so fucked up that I'm actually defending Harvey Weinstein.
00:55:56.000 I don't know, man.
00:56:01.000 But like, look at this one.
00:56:04.000 Count two, Criminal Sex Act.
00:56:06.000 Guilty.
00:56:07.000 The charge involves non-consensual oral or anal sex.
00:56:10.000 Former TV production assistant Mimi Haley said Weinstein performed oral sex on her without her consent in 2006.
00:56:17.000 How is that different from Brett Kavanaugh?
00:56:20.000 There's no evidence.
00:56:21.000 She just said this happened 14 years ago.
00:56:28.000 And then they also talk, even the Post, which is supposed to be kind of right-wing, is saying how great it is that we finally caught this bastard and the poor women who would keep going back to him and accepting his gifts.
00:56:44.000 Shouldn't you be chastising those women for trivializing bona fide rape? 1.00
00:56:48.000 Anyway, at least the good news with Harvey Weinstein is it showed that Hollywood's a disgusting, corrupt shithole of very expensive prostitutes who will suck your dick to get in a movie. 0.97
00:57:00.000 But I think one of the reasons he's really being vilified, too, is Hollywood is ashamed of itself.
00:57:07.000 And it's sort of like if you did an expose on Islam and they could say, well, it's just ISIS.
00:57:14.000 It's just this one bad group.
00:57:16.000 The rest of us are wonderful.
00:57:17.000 So he's a scapegoat and they're saying it's just Harvey Weinstein.
00:57:21.000 The casting couch hasn't existed for decades and doesn't totally dominate the culture of Hollywood. 0.65
00:57:26.000 It's just that one guy.
00:57:28.000 Fucking bullshit.
00:57:29.000 Bullshit.
00:57:30.000 And then Michael Jordan crying his eyes out because Kobe Bryant died.
00:57:34.000 Can you look that up?
00:57:35.000 I couldn't find it.
00:57:38.000 He said he doesn't want to be a meme again because he remember the crying?
00:57:38.000 Yep.
00:57:43.000 Yeah.
00:57:44.000 Do blacks cry differently than us?
00:57:47.000 And when I say us, I mean Japanese, Puerto Ricans, Scottish people.
00:57:51.000 Yeah.
00:57:53.000 Let's see him.
00:57:54.000 That one?
00:57:56.000 No, I mean the volume of tears.
00:57:58.000 Like I cry all the time now.
00:58:01.000 If I see any war movie, I'm blubbering.
00:58:04.000 I even cried in the car listening to Under Pressure, that crescendo part where it's like, no, no, no, no, no, can we give love one more chance?
00:58:14.000 Don't wear sunglasses, you dunce.
00:58:17.000 And don't shave your head if you ever want to meet a man again.
00:58:21.000 That's what that black pastor who was with Roger Stone said.
00:58:25.000 He goes, yeah, there's a black woman on the panel, on the jury, but she shaved her head. 1.00
00:58:29.000 And you know what that means.
00:58:31.000 That means I don't need no man. 0.99
00:58:32.000 What?
00:58:33.000 Turn it up.
00:58:34.000 I'll have to look at another crime.
00:58:36.000 Here we go.
00:58:37.000 Here we go.
00:58:43.000 Now he's got me.
00:58:45.000 I'll have to look at another crime meme for the Knicks.
00:58:51.000 Taking to De Niro.
00:58:54.000 Look at those tears.
00:58:55.000 There's two separate rivers.
00:58:57.000 Like each eye has two rivers.
00:59:00.000 That's four rivers of tears.
00:59:01.000 What the hell is that?
00:59:06.000 I told my wife I wasn't going to do this because I didn't want to see that for the next three or four years.
00:59:12.000 Okay.
00:59:13.000 That is what Kobe Bryant is.
00:59:14.000 Finally, a basketball player with a suit that fits.
00:59:16.000 They always look so stupid.
00:59:18.000 Yeah.
00:59:18.000 Don't they?
00:59:19.000 And Taylors, can you not just figure out that someone is very, very tall and you have to adjust accordingly?
00:59:25.000 They always look like weird broom closets.
00:59:25.000 Right.
00:59:28.000 It's pretty bad.
00:59:29.000 It's embarrassing.
00:59:30.000 Especially when it's a double-breasted suit.
00:59:33.000 I think they skipped their second fitting.
00:59:35.000 They're just like, no.
00:59:37.000 You already fitted it.
00:59:38.000 He already did that shit.
00:59:39.000 is perfect.
00:59:40.000 Okay, As long as it's sharks.
00:59:43.000 Find that football player crying during the national anthem.
00:59:48.000 There was tears that were leaving his eyes, jumping through the air, doing swan dives, and then landing like here.
00:59:57.000 His tears were catching air.
00:59:59.000 They were coming out so much.
01:00:02.000 Like if I saw, I would have to watch nine World War II movies, and I might get one to come down like this.
01:00:08.000 Maybe.
01:00:10.000 But usually what I get is just like moisture.
01:00:12.000 There he is.
01:00:14.000 I rarely get them to break and come down.
01:00:17.000 Do they jump out of his face?
01:00:20.000 Doing swan dives off of my eyelid.
01:00:26.000 Offensive tackle Alejandro Villanueva is drawing a lot of attention for breaking ranks with the other players who remain deep in the targets.
01:00:34.000 This isn't it, you dumb fucking target.
01:00:37.000 That looks just like the guy.
01:00:39.000 I saw the icon on your screen and I thought, oh, Ryan's nailed it.
01:00:43.000 The middle one there.
01:00:47.000 Fuck stick.
01:00:48.000 There we go.
01:00:49.000 Look at that.
01:00:51.000 There was another one.
01:00:53.000 Look at that.
01:00:54.000 Yeah, that one.
01:00:55.000 This is new to me.
01:00:58.000 Look at that.
01:01:00.000 Like, if you were dehydrated, I mean, I know they're salty, but you could drink that and it would quench your thirst.
01:01:10.000 Look at those things.
01:01:11.000 Go back to the beginning.
01:01:13.000 Well, it's Bigboat, our director.
01:01:14.000 That's more than like jizz if you haven't beat off in two months.
01:01:22.000 What the hell is going on?
01:01:23.000 Are you on drugs?
01:01:25.000 Is that sterile?
01:01:26.000 Look at that.
01:01:30.000 I wonder if he's embarrassed, and that's why he did the whole like over-the-top thing.
01:01:34.000 I love you, America.
01:01:36.000 That was intentional.
01:01:37.000 I love crying like that.
01:01:38.000 I'm not freaked out at all.
01:01:40.000 I'm normal.
01:01:41.000 They came by Moreno last.
01:01:43.000 He probably cries when he has sex.
01:01:45.000 Hopefully.
01:01:46.000 He's got to get some of that out.
01:01:47.000 Drenched.
01:01:48.000 Okay, final video.
01:01:50.000 Thank you to the viewer who sent this.
01:01:52.000 It's not advice.
01:01:54.000 Watch this, folks.
01:01:57.000 Oh, shit.
01:01:59.000 What can't I do?
01:02:00.000 I can't juggle worth a fuck.
01:02:05.000 I got this.
01:02:06.000 I learned to do this as an only child before my brother was born.
01:02:09.000 It was a book called How to Juggle.
01:02:13.000 This is a video some guy sent about cancel culture.
01:02:16.000 And I thought, oh, great, a fucking nerd comedian making a video about how much Trump sucks.
01:02:22.000 And then I watched it and went, I have to put this on the show.
01:02:25.000 This is fucking perfect.
01:02:26.000 My name is Mark, and I'm an internet tattletale.
01:02:29.000 I spend about three, four hours a day combing through tweets and podcasts, just looking for anything anyone said that can ruin their life.
01:02:34.000 You're canceled, you're canceled.
01:02:36.000 There's no greater feeling than when you surprise someone.
01:02:39.000 This is Will Summer.
01:02:40.000 This is Andy Campbell.
01:02:42.000 This is Christopher Mateus.
01:02:45.000 Nas.
01:02:46.000 This is all these Nas.
01:02:50.000 Oh, no.
01:02:50.000 What's that guy that Crowder had a problem with?
01:02:55.000 I don't know, Ryan.
01:02:56.000 Don't interject if you have nothing to say.
01:02:57.000 All of these tattletale journalists that have no interest in creating...
01:03:10.000 Yes.
01:03:11.000 Oh, I mean, no, I'm offended.
01:03:14.000 My goal in life is to prove that everyone's a Nazi.
01:03:16.000 Okay, four minutes and 20 seconds.
01:03:19.000 I'm just time-stamping any racist jokes I hear on a podcast.
01:03:22.000 I've never actually created anything myself.
01:03:23.000 What I do is find things that other people created and ruin them.
01:03:26.000 I don't like for anyone to have fun.
01:03:28.000 Joe Rogan canceled.
01:03:30.000 I'm a very venomous person.
01:03:32.000 I actually used to be a big fan of Louis C.K., but now I tell people I never thought he was funny.
01:03:36.000 My dream is to one day cancel Vince Vaughn.
01:03:38.000 I'm gonna tattle on this guy so hard as soon as I'm done my pee.
01:03:41.000 Mario Lopez canceled.
01:03:43.000 There's no greater thrill than when you just get someone fired from their job and they can't provide for their family anymore.
01:03:48.000 And I hope to one day get some pussy from being a tattletale. 1.00
01:03:51.000 I live to be a little bitch. 1.00
01:03:51.000 What can I say? 1.00
01:03:54.000 Quality, huh?
01:03:55.000 That's good.
01:03:56.000 Wait a minute.
01:03:56.000 Go to that let's cancel Logan Paul thing.
01:03:58.000 Provide for them.
01:04:03.000 Maria Sherman.
01:04:05.000 And what's the source?
01:04:07.000 Because there are probably a lot of Maria Shermans. 1.00
01:04:11.000 Maybe just go Maria Sherman Logan Paul or something.
01:04:14.000 GMG Union.
01:04:15.000 I gotta see her.
01:04:17.000 They always look similar.
01:04:18.000 Actually, they kind of look like that girl that we gave a seven in the letters page.
01:04:24.000 Sorry, lady.
01:04:25.000 But you're a very attractive young lady and you're a cool person.
01:04:29.000 But oh, so it's Jezebel.
01:04:32.000 Click on that first one.
01:04:35.000 Yeah, okay, so now just look up her name and then with the word Jezebel.
01:04:40.000 That's how you do your job?
01:04:47.000 Images?
01:04:49.000 Oh, she's a fat, ugly bitch. 1.00
01:04:53.000 Who knew?
01:04:54.000 That's the kind of person who wants us canceled.
01:04:57.000 They're not usually that ugly.
01:05:00.000 But what a hideous cow. 1.00
01:05:01.000 And again, when you see these pictures, these are the ones that she chose, right?
01:05:05.000 At an angle.
01:05:06.000 Don't look at my fat self or covering the neck with a scarf.
01:05:12.000 But look at her. 0.96
01:05:13.000 Look at this disgusting pig deciding to cancel Logan Paul. 1.00
01:05:18.000 I think it's because he said abortion is wrong or something.
01:05:23.000 And don't question my abortions.
01:05:28.000 What have we done to our women?
01:05:31.000 What have we done to our women?
01:05:34.000 We've ruined them.
01:05:36.000 And if you want to point that out, you could get in trouble.
01:05:40.000 If you venerate the housewife and say, how many women are genuinely happy in the workforce?
01:05:44.000 I mean, and look at what they do.
01:05:46.000 They end up doing woman-mom-type things, serving food, showing you a house, organizing some man's appointments. 0.98
01:05:54.000 They're just someone else's mommy, someone else's wife. 0.98
01:05:59.000 So point that out.
01:06:01.000 Get fired.
01:06:02.000 Get in trouble.
01:06:03.000 Be brave.
01:06:05.000 And never stop fighting.
01:06:24.000 It's only destiny.