Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS [2020-04-01 - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS]

00:00:18.000 I can't stop it, I can't stop.

00:00:21.000 I just get stuck, kick the back.

00:00:25.000 I got live from New York.

00:00:30.000 It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.

00:00:34.000 Shiny bird with the sketches on.

00:00:38.000 Follow on your hand, make my gun. 0.93

00:00:40.000 Light up, light up sketches.

00:00:42.000 Light up, light up my burn.

00:00:45.000 Shiny bird with the sketches on.

00:00:47.000 Follow on your hand, make my gun. 0.93

00:00:50.000 Light up, light up sketches.

00:00:51.000 Light up, light up my burn.

00:00:53.000 There we go.

00:00:53.000 Let's see the video.

00:00:54.000 I like the sketches on.

00:00:57.000 You like me, my good shoes.

00:01:02.000 You show me your boobs. 0.60

00:01:04.000 I like you, Scott.

00:01:06.000 You like me too.

00:01:07.000 Bring your friend all about me.

00:01:10.000 I'm lost.

00:01:12.000 Is that on purpose?

00:01:14.000 I don't get it.

00:01:16.000 It's too good to be an accident, but I don't think Indians are funny. 1.00

00:01:22.000 Oh, really?

00:01:23.000 Do you know Amish Patel, buddy?

00:01:27.000 Come on.

00:01:29.000 Are Indians funny now? 1.00

00:01:31.000 When did that happen?

00:01:33.000 When did the third world get a sense of humor? 1.00

00:01:36.000 What about Kumal Nanji?

00:01:39.000 He's funny.

00:01:40.000 Well, he's from Pakistan, actually.

00:01:42.000 Hassan Minhaj?

00:01:44.000 He's so funny, that guy.

00:01:46.000 No, he's not funny at all.

00:01:48.000 Actually, let's jump ahead to 22 before we start the show, really.

00:01:53.000 I saw this tweet from Kumal Nananji, who's my new favorite guy to shit on.

00:01:58.000 And he put this tweet up.

00:02:02.000 We don't talk about coronavirus on this show, but I couldn't resist this.

00:02:05.000 Seeing more people snickering at us as we work super hard to keep six feet away from everyone when we go on walks.

00:02:14.000 People are snickering at you when you go to give six feet.

00:02:19.000 Already seeing people in LA getting really, really relaxed about social distancing, buddy.

00:02:24.000 Now is not the time to get confident.

00:02:27.000 Do your part.

00:02:28.000 It's not that hard.

00:02:30.000 He's lying.

00:02:31.000 Bullshit.

00:02:33.000 I saw these joggers the other day, and it was a married couple, and there was someone on the path, and they took a really wide berth.

00:02:40.000 The last thing I was going to do is snicker.

00:02:41.000 I don't fucking know.

00:02:43.000 So when I saw them do that big, big turnaround thing, I went, oh, seems pretty intense, but what the fuck do I know?

00:02:52.000 Do you think people are going about a fucking pandemic we know nothing about?

00:02:56.000 He's fucking lying.

00:02:58.000 He just wanted to get that out there and talk about himself.

00:03:01.000 He sucks shit.

00:03:04.000 I'm starting to hate Indian comedians. 0.98

00:03:07.000 Aziz Ansari is playing Harris Whittle on his And Harris Whittle didn't like Aziz Ansari.

00:03:24.000 But after his death, Aziz won't shut up about his good buddy Harris.

00:03:28.000 Dude, I knew Harris.

00:03:30.000 He didn't like you.

00:03:32.000 He thought you were annoying.

00:03:34.000 You know why?

00:03:35.000 Because you are.

00:03:37.000 Randy.

00:03:38.000 Man, I'm a little guy.

00:03:40.000 How about when he fucking apologized to the world for molesting that girl as Dave Chappelle?

00:03:46.000 If you're going to apologize for me too, and by the way, as he's, I don't like you, but you shouldn't have apologized.

00:03:52.000 She sucked you off seven times and she says she was raped. 1.00

00:03:58.000 I guess I love rape, if that's what it entails. 1.00

00:04:01.000 Seven blowjobs?

00:04:03.000 Yes, please.

00:04:04.000 Actually, I don't want seven blowjobs.

00:04:06.000 I only want one every two days, which I'm not really getting.

00:04:13.000 Yeah, he subsumed Dave Chappelle's personality and sat in the bench, and he even held the mic the way Chappelle holds the mic.

00:04:21.000 Fuck, it was embarrassing.

00:04:23.000 But you know, as Ezan Sari's career, he started making fun of Trapped in the Closet, the R. Kelly thing.

00:04:29.000 He did it at UCB in New York City, and I checked it out there, and it was just him making fun, and everyone laughing their heads off.

00:04:37.000 And I'm sort of looking around as everyone laughs at R. Kelly doing Trapped in the Closet, and I feel like saying, you guys realize he can't read, right?

00:04:47.000 You're laughing hysterically at a man who has the IQ of maybe 80, which I believe is the number for Down syndrome.

00:04:57.000 So we're sitting here laughing at a retard. 1.00

00:04:59.000 Isn't that embarrassing?

00:05:01.000 And then, boom, that was his career done because they want brown guys. 0.99

00:05:05.000 If you're a brown comedian, then you're doing well.

00:05:08.000 And remember, Aziz wrote an article for the New York Times after the, I can't remember if it was San Bernardino or the Pulse shooting, but it was like, how fucked up is this?

00:05:21.000 I'm worried about my parents going to their mosque.

00:05:23.000 So he's a Muslim, I guess.

00:05:25.000 So if you're a brown Muslim, you're likely from Pakistan, although I think Aziz is from India.

00:05:30.000 Muslims killed about a million Indians, but whatever. 0.99

00:05:34.000 Then your career is set.

00:05:36.000 And he has the audacity after getting that free career to sit there and say the New York Times, after a Muslim shooting, Aziz is sitting there going, how fucked up is it that my parents are scared to go pray?

00:05:50.000 Is that it?

00:05:51.000 Racism begins with ideas.

00:05:53.000 That's not Aziz and Sari, you fucking tard. 1.00

00:05:58.000 Holy shit, what are you doing?

00:06:00.000 Omer Aziz?

00:06:03.000 Show yourself, by the way.

00:06:05.000 Oh.

00:06:06.000 Hold on, wait.

00:06:07.000 Let me get that.

00:06:08.000 Did you, where's your camera?

00:06:10.000 I used it.

00:06:10.000 I used it last night because I was on my friend's podcast.

00:06:13.000 I can grab it.

00:06:13.000 Okay, well, I'll keep talking anyway.

00:06:15.000 So when someone, when there's a shooting, a Muslim terrorist shooting, it's not really the time to talk about you and how hard it is to be Muslim in America.

00:06:25.000 But that was what the New York Times wanted from Aziz, and that's what he gave them.

00:06:30.000 It's like these Chinese people complaining that they're experiencing racism and bigotry.

00:06:35.000 Yeah, we'll get to you.

00:06:36.000 We'll get to you in a bit.

00:06:40.000 Why don't you just, hey, Aziz, why don't you do an article after 9-11 and talk about how people are staring at Muslims now and they're uncomfortable flying with them.

00:06:50.000 Anyway, sorry.

00:06:52.000 And then Hassan Minhaj, remember him?

00:06:53.000 He tried to fuck with me at the Daily Show.

00:06:56.000 He tried to fuck me with his heels on.

00:06:59.000 And he was another guy, really mediocre LA stand-up comedian, had barely tried it.

00:07:05.000 Totally new, exactly like Aziz.

00:07:07.000 Then the Daily Show goes, well, the women who run the Daily Show at Comedy Central go, well, we need this to be all about diversity. 1.00

00:07:14.000 So after John, what's his name with the Jewish name, who changed it to John Stewart?

00:07:20.000 Stewart John Stewart.

00:07:21.000 I'm Jon Stewart.

00:07:23.000 Ah, you should have been at my Bar Matzfa.

00:07:25.000 It was fucking crazy.

00:07:27.000 After Jon Stewart leaves, they go, we need visible minorities now. 0.98

00:07:32.000 Well, we have one guy.

00:07:33.000 There's a guy in LA.

00:07:34.000 He's done open mic stuff.

00:07:37.000 He's a Muslim from India, just like Aziz. 0.99

00:07:39.000 Yeah, let's get him.

00:07:41.000 Then Hassan Minhaj has a job.

00:07:43.000 And they're not funny.

00:07:45.000 That's the problem with affirmative action comedy. 0.89

00:07:47.000 It's not funny.

00:07:49.000 Get woke, go broke.

00:07:52.000 Anyway, sorry, to get back to India, that song, Drip Report, I think it's these Indian dudes. 1.00

00:07:59.000 This is kind of old, that song.

00:08:00.000 It's from January.

00:08:02.000 But I think it's these Indian dudes who remix popular trap songs. 0.99

00:08:06.000 But I think they're literally in India, as opposed to metaphorically.

00:08:10.000 And they use like Indian production, Bollywood production to do these things.

00:08:15.000 And they appear to be fucking hilarious.

00:08:18.000 I'm confused.

00:08:19.000 Affirmative action has taught me that Indians aren't funny.

00:08:23.000 but maybe they are Is he just taking random dance videos?

00:08:32.000 No, because that Gucci shoes Skechers thing looked real.

00:08:36.000 But then he did edit the Skechers on top of the feet. 0.81

00:08:39.000 So that might just be from Bollywood stuff.

00:08:45.000 I like the way Indians dance.

00:08:48.000 Well, they are white.

00:08:51.000 What do you mean?

00:08:52.000 Where do you think the Caucasus Mountains are?

00:08:54.000 Caucasians? 0.81

00:08:56.000 They're just brown-white people. 0.97

00:08:57.000 They're just very tan.

00:08:58.000 Yeah.

00:08:59.000 That's why they assimilate so well.

00:09:01.000 The only thing that can stop an Indian from assimilating is to make him a Muslim, which is why Pakistanis seem to have so much trouble. 0.90

00:09:08.000 I saw this disturbing thing on Tommy Robinson's Telegram about how 95% of truck drivers in Pakistan said their favorite part of the job was fucking young boys.

00:09:19.000 Wow.

00:09:20.000 Now, how does that 995, again the magic 95, how does that 95 translate to Pakistani immigrants in, say, Luton?

00:09:29.000 Let's say it goes down drastically.

00:09:31.000 They're much more civilized.

00:09:32.000 Let's say it's only 68%.

00:09:35.000 Oh, that's pretty high pedophile content.

00:09:41.000 I was going to play Young Signorino.

00:09:45.000 He's got a bi-local, I guess.

00:09:47.000 Oh, wait, I got this.

00:09:50.000 What are you doing?

00:09:52.000 I had someone bring me sandwiches, by the way.

00:09:56.000 The Indian truck thing.

00:09:57.000 Or the Pakistani truck thing. 0.72

00:09:59.000 Oh, you got it?

00:10:00.000 How do you have that so fast?

00:10:00.000 Yep.

00:10:02.000 I went on Telegram.

00:10:03.000 How did you actually do your job?

00:10:04.000 95% of truck drivers admitted that having sex with boys was their main entertainment.

00:10:09.000 And some local surveys have estimated that nine out of every ten street kids have been abused.

00:10:15.000 If accurate, that puts the figure on a national scale in the hundreds of thousands.

00:10:21.000 It's one of the most sad and shameful aspects of our society.

00:10:25.000 I have to say, I'm totally embarrassed by this that we have not really been able to protect them.

00:10:31.000 It's going on everywhere.

00:10:32.000 In the big cities, or small cities, or towns, everywhere this has happened.

00:10:41.000 Oh, wow.

00:10:47.000 Okay, this is supposed to be an upbeat comedy show.

00:10:50.000 Now I want to slip my wrists.

00:10:53.000 Do you remember young Signorino?

00:10:56.000 He had that song, Mahaha, 1-3.

00:11:00.000 No, 1-3.

00:11:02.000 That's his new song.

00:11:05.000 He's stuck in his apartment with this girl.

00:11:08.000 We played this as a joke on the Gavin McInnes show.

00:11:10.000 I've since come to fucking love it.

00:11:12.000 It's kind of exactly what the world needs right now.

00:11:26.000 60 frames per second.

00:11:28.000 Brave.

00:11:30.000 What does that mean?

00:11:31.000 It's got that soap opera feel.

00:11:34.000 cinematic is like 24 frames per second but the motion looks like he's right in front of us you know because it's like But he's got a new song out because he's locked in.

00:11:52.000 And I was looking at the video and just going, fuck.

00:11:56.000 Italian women are hot. 1.00

00:11:58.000 Holy shit.

00:11:59.000 You know how I say I could never marry a woman with an accent? 1.00

00:12:02.000 I think I might be able to handle Jamaican, not Scottish, sorry, homeland. 0.77

00:12:09.000 Jamaican I can handle, or I think I could handle Italian.

00:12:15.000 French is not appealing.

00:12:17.000 What are you doing?

00:12:22.000 No, I think I can handle French.

00:12:28.000 This one sucks.

00:12:31.000 Look how insanely hot she is. 1.00

00:12:35.000 Getting tattoos on your face is really retarded, but the pussy you'll get will be insane. 1.00

00:12:42.000 Same with neck tattoos.

00:12:45.000 If you're not getting laid, tattoo your neck.

00:12:48.000 You'll regret it, but you'll get laid. 0.65

00:12:51.000 Look at her.

00:12:56.000 I've always wanted full body tattoos.

00:13:00.000 you haven't?

00:13:00.000 Yes, I have.

00:13:01.000 An entire body of just tattoos.

00:13:04.000 Not entire, but all.

00:13:06.000 This is annoying.

00:13:06.000 Can we see you, please?

00:13:08.000 That's enough.

00:13:09.000 I don't know why I played that young Signorino.

00:13:10.000 The Indian thing was much better. 1.00

00:13:14.000 It's important to let people know what's going on.

00:13:16.000 I got that from the censored.tv Gavin McInnis Reddit that I've been frequenting quite a bit now, and even responding.

00:13:22.000 Here I am.

00:13:24.000 There's Rye Guy.

00:13:25.000 We're in Rye Guy's apartment.

00:13:28.000 I can hear him wash his asshole after he takes his shit.

00:13:30.000 Yeah, I got my tushy.

00:13:33.000 And you have a bippy. 1.00

00:13:34.000 So you've tried a Biffy.

00:13:37.000 What did I say?

00:13:37.000 Bippy?

00:13:38.000 Yeah.

00:13:39.000 I'm wrong.

00:13:40.000 But so which one do you like better?

00:13:44.000 I like the Biffy way more.

00:13:46.000 You should probably show what we're talking about here.

00:13:49.000 This is great, too, in a toilet paper crisis.

00:13:51.000 We don't have toilet paper.

00:13:52.000 The Biffy hooks up to your tank. 0.57

00:13:54.000 It has an angle.

00:13:55.000 And the water that it shoots on your butthole feels like a tap.

00:14:00.000 It feels like tap water, but upside down.

00:14:03.000 Shooting on your butthole.

00:14:05.000 The tushy, which is a fucking gay name, that Ryan has, there's my Biffy.

00:14:11.000 My Biffy.

00:14:11.000 This is the Biffy.

00:14:12.000 I can't believe they don't give me any money.

00:14:13.000 I've been promoting them.

00:14:14.000 I put them on the cover of Vice Magazine in 2002 or something.

00:14:20.000 Ooh, a Biffy warmer.

00:14:22.000 I like the cold.

00:14:23.000 Wakes you up.

00:14:24.000 And there's many ways you can do it.

00:14:25.000 You can just do a blast, whatever.

00:14:28.000 Or if you relax your anus, it can go right up in there and give you an enema. 0.87

00:14:31.000 Yes.

00:14:32.000 That takes like Zen skills. 0.56

00:14:33.000 I know.

00:14:34.000 Here in Ryan's apartment, I tried his tushi, and it's like needle pains.

00:14:40.000 It's pretty direct, yeah.

00:14:42.000 It feels like a syringe going into your butthole.

00:14:45.000 It's way too intense.

00:14:47.000 Yeah.

00:14:48.000 I get what you're saying with the aesthetics.

00:14:50.000 Sure.

00:14:51.000 Yeah, it looks nicer.

00:14:53.000 You know, I got the bamboo handle.

00:14:54.000 But who gives a fuck what your toilet... 0.74

00:15:00.000 You've had a clump of hair next to your bath for forever.

00:15:04.000 I shed.

00:15:06.000 You've only just cleaned your toilet now.

00:15:07.000 It used to look black.

00:15:09.000 You got garbage everywhere.

00:15:11.000 Your towel rack's broken.

00:15:12.000 You've been too lazy to fix it.

00:15:14.000 So your bathroom's disgusting. 0.98

00:15:16.000 And here you are going, I want it to be a nice oak button.

00:15:19.000 Look at the maroon.

00:15:20.000 I like that.

00:15:21.000 That would.

00:15:22.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:15:23.000 Get a new knob.

00:15:24.000 Do you know my Rogane here, by the way?

00:15:26.000 There's once.

00:15:26.000 Not that I saw.

00:15:28.000 I bet I did.

00:15:30.000 Look at that.

00:15:32.000 It's a portable bidet.

00:15:33.000 But how the hell would you do that?

00:15:34.000 You got a pump.

00:15:34.000 Look at that.

00:15:36.000 You're pretty desperate.

00:15:37.000 You have pretty serious anal problems if you're carrying around a portable bidet.

00:15:40.000 Show the fuck out, dude.

00:15:42.000 I need water in my bot.

00:15:44.000 By the way, speaking of this awesome show, I forgot to research this, but our show shot from Ryan's apartment is 7% worse than it was in our expensive Manhattan studio.

00:15:57.000 I'm very proud of us for that.

00:15:59.000 I'm very impressed by Ryan, and I'm impressed by myself.

00:16:03.000 I guess that's what pride is when you're impressed with yourself.

00:16:07.000 But let's have a little look, shall we, at the talk show hosts who make millions of dollars and have entire teams.

00:16:15.000 Let's have a look at Conan, Samantha B, and John Oliver.

00:16:22.000 I was listening to Howard Stern.

00:16:23.000 Oh, and Andy Cohen.

00:16:24.000 I was listening to Andy Cohen.

00:16:26.000 And Jerry O'Connell was on with a shit.

00:16:29.000 It sounded like a 56K modem connection.

00:16:32.000 So you couldn't hear anything.

00:16:34.000 And Howard Stern was on Zoom for an entire week before he had his studio set up because he was so worried about getting coronavirus that even after the technicians installed a studio, which I don't, it's just a mic.

00:16:47.000 Why is it so complicated?

00:16:49.000 He had to let it sit for a week.

00:16:52.000 Look at this shit.

00:16:53.000 This is like when we were doing Breezy.

00:16:55.000 And a lot of them have very beautiful, spacious mansions, and they look out of touch, telling us, hey, chill.

00:17:03.000 It's all going to be okay.

00:17:04.000 And then you see how they live, and it's just insane.

00:17:08.000 I just want to tell all my celebrity friends, be careful about that.

00:17:11.000 Okay.

00:17:13.000 Try and just be sensible about in your home.

00:17:17.000 I don't worry about that.

00:17:18.000 I have a simple home, a nice home, but a simple home.

00:17:22.000 And I'm proud of it, but nothing too opulent.

00:17:25.000 Okay, now that I got that message across, I wanted to do something fun today.

00:17:29.000 I've been practicing magic during this quarantine.

00:17:33.000 Simple little magic, but it's kind of fun and sweet.

00:17:35.000 And I've been working on something with a trick coin that I ordered through the mail.

00:17:39.000 It's really fun.

00:17:40.000 Let me do it for you right now.

00:17:41.000 It's a funny little trick coin bit.

00:17:44.000 You know what?

00:17:44.000 I don't know where I left the coin.

00:17:47.000 Let me quickly check out in the hallways.

00:17:49.000 Hello?

00:17:50.000 Hello?

00:17:50.000 Has anyone seen my trick coin?

00:17:53.000 Any of the servants see an errant trick coin?

00:17:56.000 No?

00:17:57.000 We'll just check the other hallway. 0.65

00:17:57.000 No? 0.65

00:18:01.000 Hello?

00:18:02.000 Hello?

00:18:04.000 How brutal is that?

00:18:06.000 I'm shocked, actually.

00:18:08.000 He doesn't have 14 writers, clearly, sending him shit.

00:18:12.000 All right, Jimmy, you're a funny guy.

00:18:14.000 You did radio for a million years.

00:18:15.000 What do you got?

00:18:16.000 Way better camera, but why are we in your bedroom?

00:18:19.000 And why is the camera bouncing?

00:18:22.000 The fact that you're watching this makes me assume you have nothing to do.

00:18:27.000 I'm going to shoot a mini monologue every day until we get back from my house where I am currently incarcerated.

00:18:37.000 I mean, camping out with my family.

00:18:40.000 You know, you learn a lot about yourself when you're isolated at home.

00:18:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:46.000 For instance, I learned that I have children, which was really something to find out.

00:18:54.000 Thank God for television.

00:18:56.000 My blood type right now is Disney positive or Disney Plus, whatever they call it.

00:19:02.000 We've watched.

00:19:03.000 Okay, so I'll credit Conan or Jimmy.

00:19:05.000 They clearly are not having anyone write their jokes and they are writing their own shitty fucking jokes.

00:19:12.000 What do we got here?

00:19:13.000 John Oliver.

00:19:14.000 Well, at least he has a happy studio.

00:19:16.000 It's clearly going to look a little unusual.

00:19:18.000 As I'm sure you've seen, the coronavirus has forced a number of late-night hosts to record shows from their houses, and we're no different, as my home is.

00:19:26.000 And this is true.

00:19:27.000 Look how bad Seth Meyers set up it.

00:19:28.000 Like, it looks like spoop. 0.80

00:19:32.000 A blank white void full of sad facts.

00:19:35.000 Where else did you think I lived?

00:19:38.000 Now, a lot has happened in the last two weeks, and I'll start with arguably the least important development.

00:19:43.000 The last time we spoke, I mentioned the work done by a very informative TikTok hamster.

00:19:49.000 Okay, that's enough.

00:19:50.000 That's enough.

00:19:51.000 At least he has a good studio.

00:19:52.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:19:53.000 So, John Oliver, kudos.

00:19:57.000 You're not a complete failure.

00:19:59.000 Jimmy Kimmel, fail.

00:20:02.000 Let's give them grades.

00:20:03.000 So, John Oliver gets a B plus.

00:20:05.000 Jimmy Kimmel gets an F. Conan gets an F. What about Seth Myers?

00:20:12.000 What was the Andy Cohen one you were talking about?

00:20:14.000 Oh, Andy Cohen, I think it was just his audio podcast.

00:20:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:20:18.000 So, Seth Myers, we're doing it.

00:20:19.000 Let's see Seth Myers.

00:20:22.000 Seth Myers is, you know what Seth Myers is?

00:20:24.000 He's just like Jared Holt.

00:20:26.000 just milky water who's just been at NBC for so long like a hard-working communist that they just give him shit.

00:20:33.000 And we have no idea when we're going to be back but obviously it's not just a surreal time for us That's surreal time.

00:20:39.000 Nice audio rechart.

00:20:45.000 They have so much, so much money around them, and so many people telling them.

00:20:49.000 Like, look at Anthony Kumia.

00:20:50.000 He's got a whole home studio.

00:20:52.000 And it's not live.

00:20:53.000 A home setup.

00:20:54.000 It's not live.

00:20:55.000 And you've noticed the self-referential comedy too?

00:20:58.000 Like, Conan, I hate this about him.

00:21:00.000 He's always like, yeah, I'm so pale.

00:21:01.000 Look at this red hair. 0.70

00:21:02.000 Yeah, girls really like this. 0.99

00:21:04.000 We're like, yeah, we get it.

00:21:05.000 We get it.

00:21:06.000 You're not normal, attractive.

00:21:08.000 And then Jimmy Kimmel's got to talk about himself and his kids.

00:21:11.000 Seth Myers is being really informative and telling us that things are not as they normally are.

00:21:21.000 Breaking news with fucking Mr. Milky Toast.

00:21:25.000 Mr. Crooked Hall Lamps.

00:21:28.000 Go ahead, Seth Boras.

00:21:29.000 The closer look.

00:21:30.000 Now, you might notice that I'm doing this closer look from inside my house.

00:21:34.000 And it may be weird to do it from a hallway, but at least I'm not doing it from a public beach.

00:21:42.000 Look at those dummies. 1.00

00:21:44.000 Let me be clear.

00:21:46.000 I'm not saying people are dumb for going to a beach during a pandemic, which they are.

00:21:49.000 I can't believe it.

00:21:50.000 I'm saying you're dumb for going to the beach, period.

00:21:53.000 You could die from going to a beach right now, and it's still not in the top five worst things that could happen to you at a beach.

00:22:00.000 When I die, I fully expect my last words to be, at least I don't have to go to the beach anymore.

00:22:05.000 I mean, I'm not happy being stuck inside all the time, but at least I'm not finding sand in my butt crack yet.

00:22:12.000 Anyway.

00:22:13.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:22:16.000 Oh, that's a sandwich.

00:22:19.000 How brutal was that?

00:22:21.000 That was Nickelodeon level.

00:22:23.000 That was clean comedy.

00:22:25.000 That was like sub-SpongeBob.

00:22:30.000 Yeah.

00:22:30.000 Holy shit.

00:22:32.000 What an absolute loser.

00:22:34.000 So that's just an F. You know, when I was in eighth grade, I was in a class for retards. 1.00

00:22:39.000 And one of my friends there, he, he, in Canada, we go by percentages.

00:22:47.000 So 50 is a pass, 49 is a fail.

00:22:50.000 And if you fail, you have to redo the class.

00:22:53.000 The course, the grade, if you end up at the end of the year with 49.

00:22:57.000 And then 50 is pass, obviously.

00:22:59.000 The A is 80 to 100.

00:23:01.000 Anyway, he had a 27 in math.

00:23:04.000 And his, no, sorry, he had a 17 in math.

00:23:08.000 And his dad was going to buy him a bike if he got a 27 in math.

00:23:12.000 And I remember explaining to him, even at that young age, I was 13.

00:23:16.000 I remember explaining, Brian, 27, 17 are the same.

00:23:21.000 That's an F. So we don't have to get into how badly these guys fail, but Seth is an F. Seth, Conan, Jimmy, F. John got a, what do you get, a B plus, which is in Canada, that's 70 to 80.

00:23:38.000 75 to 80 is a B plus.

00:23:39.000 So we got like a 77.

00:23:41.000 Yeah, more like F Myers and Blownen O'Brien and Jimmy Crapple.

00:23:49.000 Kim doesn't sound like crap. 1.00

00:23:51.000 I know.

00:23:52.000 That one was tough.

00:23:53.000 Unless he's the leader of North Korea and he's doing karaoke.

00:23:57.000 Not bad.

00:23:59.000 This Fallon Joe B. Who is this?

00:24:03.000 I got Fallon.

00:24:04.000 Let's see Fallon.

00:24:05.000 He can do lots of imitations.

00:24:07.000 Maybe it's Jimmy Failing.

00:24:09.000 My name is Jimmy Fallon.

00:24:10.000 I want to thank you guys so much for watching.

00:24:12.000 Look at the audio.

00:24:12.000 And we've gotten such amazing feedback from not just the country, but that's awesome.

00:24:18.000 And so it really means a lot to us that you're choosing to watch this.

00:24:21.000 Your art sucks.

00:24:23.000 It's like that Juliet Larie Dreyfus dad who just loves artists when they're black, doesn't care how badly they paint.

00:24:31.000 To make you laugh and kind of give you a little ease in these tense times.

00:24:34.000 Thank you very, very much.

00:24:35.000 Just do the joke.

00:24:42.000 Good audio.

00:24:43.000 Decent gifts.

00:24:44.000 This is like John Krafowski.

00:24:45.000 He has a new show called Good News and it's on YouTube and of course it looks like shit.

00:24:49.000 Like, you know, people in graphics, can't you have a do, do, do, do, do, breaking news thing?

00:24:53.000 And he spends the first 10 minutes talking about his show, Good News, and how he has to shoot it from home and blah, blah, blah, until you just turn it off.

00:25:01.000 Like, jump right in to the good news on your good news show.

00:25:05.000 Value other people's time, but they don't.

00:25:08.000 They value themselves more than anything.

00:25:11.000 And they have to make this about charity.

00:25:14.000 No, you found an article about this, you fucking tard. 1.00

00:25:17.000 That's it.

00:25:19.000 Krasinski.

00:25:20.000 Like, why not have a graphics friend make you a spinning globe?

00:25:24.000 This is so faux homemade.

00:25:28.000 And again, very clearly the afternoon.

00:25:30.000 And welcome to SGN.

00:25:33.000 John, what is SGN?

00:25:35.000 That's a good question.

00:25:36.000 For years now, I've been wondering, why is there not a news show?

00:25:39.000 Why don't you just be a human being?

00:25:41.000 ...to good news.

00:25:42.000 Well, desperately seeking my fix somewhere else, I reached out to all of you this week, Next making for some good news.

00:25:50.000 So fucking boring.

00:25:52.000 So amateur.

00:25:53.000 And again, the audio shit, that's an F for John.

00:25:57.000 And Fallon got an F. Jim, don't go find this.

00:26:00.000 Find Samantha B. But Jim Gaffigan has this series on YouTube.

00:26:03.000 He's doing called Dinner with the Gaffigans.

00:26:06.000 And it's just shit audio.

00:26:08.000 His kids bored out of their mind, not wanting to look at the camera.

00:26:12.000 And his wife, who has a weird accent, by the way.

00:26:14.000 I assumed that she was American.

00:26:15.000 Talking about their charity work and how this is going to benefit, I don't know, a fucking zoo or some shit.

00:26:24.000 Some loser animals.

00:26:25.000 Speaking of loser animals, Samantha Bee, who is the most beautiful 97-year-old in show business. 1.00

00:26:32.000 A little detail about Samantha Bee, by the way.

00:26:36.000 She can't wait to tell you about her life and how Dennis Prager and PragerU is bullshit and he's really ugly.

00:26:42.000 Which is a weird thing for Samantha Bee to say, especially when her writing staff is even uglier than her.

00:26:46.000 But here's a little secret, some inside info I know, because I used to be her neighbor.

00:26:50.000 Her dad is dating a 16-year-old.

00:26:54.000 Now, this was a long time ago.

00:26:56.000 She might be up to 19 now, maybe even 21.

00:26:59.000 But they had something like a 45-year age gap.

00:27:03.000 So that's her disgusting father.

00:27:06.000 Her mother's a witch. 1.00

00:27:09.000 Her mother practices witchcraft. 0.82

00:27:12.000 She's a Wiccan. 1.00

00:27:13.000 In other words, totally mentally ill.

00:27:15.000 So we have what is essentially a pedophile and a mentally ill woman makes this person and she proceeds to tell you how to live your life. 1.00

00:27:23.000 How to have a good marriage.

00:27:25.000 This looks like a still from Gretel and Hansel.

00:27:29.000 Yeah, I'm glad I'm not a little kid.

00:27:31.000 I'd feel like food right now.

00:27:33.000 I feel like a dog in Korea.

00:27:35.000 Made up.

00:27:36.000 You know, if there's one takeaway from the videos the other late night hosts put out, it's that they have incredible homes.

00:27:42.000 But I can do you one better.

00:27:43.000 I've got a woodshed.

00:27:45.000 Why?

00:27:46.000 Because I've been preparing for something like this for years.

00:27:49.000 Oh, good.

00:27:50.000 So now that we're all operating at DEF CON shit my pants levels, I live out here to protect my wood.

00:27:56.000 But it looks like I don't have any wood because the grocery store seems to have run out of the stuff that was pre-cut.

00:28:03.000 So here we go.

00:28:05.000 It's cavewoman times.

00:28:06.000 Okay, we're ready for a joke.

00:28:08.000 Or anything.

00:28:11.000 Here we go.

00:28:12.000 This is heavy.

00:28:16.000 Okay.

00:28:17.000 We're going to see how she's not good at chopping wood. 1.00

00:28:21.000 Isn't, aren't you feminists all about how you can do anything a man can do? 1.00

00:28:25.000 Anyways, okay.

00:28:27.000 I'll do this.

00:28:28.000 Oh, this is brutal.

00:28:31.000 This is worse than Seth Meyers beat shit.

00:28:34.000 Let me guess, she won't do it very well?

00:28:36.000 Could you picture even like old people that are out of touch that love Samantha Beebe being like, This is funny.

00:28:41.000 She tried to cut the wood and she couldn't. 0.68

00:28:43.000 I'm going to give you daily tips for how to survive and thrive while also social distancing.

00:28:46.000 This is being at home.

00:28:49.000 That's not the piece you're dropping.

00:28:53.000 I know.

00:28:54.000 Oh.

00:28:56.000 Samantha F minus. 0.62

00:28:59.000 You know when you have a fart that's so intense it hurts your anal lips?

00:29:02.000 That's how I feel right now.

00:29:03.000 Just, oh.

00:29:04.000 Shit.

00:29:06.000 They're still going with that.

00:29:08.000 You hear that?

00:29:09.000 I have to admit I stole this idea from Steven Crowder whose show has not even hit a speed bump.

00:29:14.000 It's exactly the same as it always was.

00:29:16.000 And he said late night hosts have failed and I thought I have to look into that and I didn't think to until now and I'm sure glad I did.

00:29:22.000 This is turning into a great segment.

00:29:24.000 Samantha.

00:29:26.000 Still going with the wood joke.

00:29:28.000 Samantha D. Samantha F. D minus.

00:29:32.000 Yes.

00:29:35.000 Dude.

00:29:35.000 I don't know how lumberjanes do it.

00:29:37.000 In other words, feminism is a lie. 1.00

00:29:40.000 This is slumber party VHS shit.

00:29:45.000 How does Jameson Jones love her so much?

00:29:46.000 He better never go to LensCrafters and get his prescription updated.

00:29:51.000 Or get his hearing.

00:29:53.000 I think his dad is deaf actually.

00:29:55.000 It's a two ounce bottle of Purell.

00:29:56.000 But here we are.

00:29:57.000 I'm not joking.

00:29:58.000 And his son is blind.

00:30:03.000 Not his son, but the Def Gun's son.

00:30:05.000 When is this joke going to end?

00:30:07.000 Oh my god, I did it!

00:30:07.000 It's longer than an SNL bit.

00:30:09.000 This is the whole thing.

00:30:10.000 I actually did it.

00:30:12.000 It will not stop for another...

00:30:13.000 You cracked it.

00:30:13.000 No, you did it.

00:30:14.000 Yeah, but like almost.

00:30:15.000 Nope.

00:30:15.000 No, okay.

00:30:16.000 Very good.

00:30:18.000 Ah!

00:30:19.000 Oh, I literally almost chopped my own leg off.

00:30:23.000 At the end of the day, it's like what Scar from The Lion King said.

00:30:26.000 We all have to be prepared.

00:30:27.000 He's the hero of that movie.

00:30:30.000 Ah!

00:30:31.000 Shit!

00:30:32.000 All right, that's enough.

00:30:33.000 That's enough.

00:30:34.000 I cannot believe how long that went on for.

00:30:36.000 Holy crap, what a bunch of talentless fucking hacks.

00:30:41.000 And they're not just talentless.

00:30:43.000 They're so half-assed.

00:30:45.000 Have someone come in with a hazmat suit.

00:30:48.000 Have them build you a studio.

00:30:49.000 I don't know why the fuck you don't have a home studio.

00:30:52.000 It never occurred to you to be prepared for this.

00:30:54.000 Have you heard of like crazy weather before?

00:30:58.000 What, Wendy's got a show? 0.61

00:31:00.000 I don't think anybody's talking about this one.

00:31:02.000 How you doing?

00:31:05.000 Again with the shit audio.

00:31:08.000 Yes.

00:31:09.000 I just got off the phone with my future sister-in-law.

00:31:14.000 Well, one of the great things.

00:31:17.000 I never expected her.

00:31:17.000 I don't want to see this though.

00:31:18.000 I mean, that's just garbage daytime thing.

00:31:20.000 What about Ellen though?

00:31:21.000 The Kimmel stuff.

00:31:22.000 I mean, these guys, I think Kimmel makes $13 million a year.

00:31:26.000 And it has millions of views.

00:31:28.000 Samantha Bee has millions of viewers.

00:31:30.000 Like 3 million.

00:31:32.000 More than Sean Hannity, I believe.

00:31:34.000 And when left to their own devices, they do a seven-minute joke about how women don't have a lot of upper body strength. 1.00

00:31:41.000 Which I think you may already know.

00:31:43.000 Did you know that?

00:31:44.000 Are we done with this bit?

00:31:47.000 What about Ellen DeGeneres? 0.92

00:31:49.000 Okay, let's do Ellen. 0.99

00:31:50.000 I don't know if she's continuing her show.

00:31:52.000 I don't know if this is...

00:31:53.000 Let me guess.

00:31:53.000 Too hard.

00:31:55.000 You used Zoom?

00:31:56.000 Okay, so I'm bored.

00:31:59.000 I'm sure everybody's bored.

00:32:00.000 And look at the weather.

00:32:01.000 Why don't you work?

00:32:02.000 Pouring down rain.

00:32:04.000 It's not like I can even do anything.

00:32:06.000 What fucking house?

00:32:07.000 Was that a pool?

00:32:08.000 Or a ramp?

00:32:09.000 What the f...

00:32:12.000 Is that a...

00:32:12.000 What is that?

00:32:13.000 Good question.

00:32:14.000 Is that...

00:32:14.000 I think that's her walkway.

00:32:15.000 Like her stairs.

00:32:16.000 But is that...

00:32:17.000 So an elephant can come to your house? 0.99

00:32:19.000 Why are your fucking stairs so wide?

00:32:22.000 You think of like...

00:32:23.000 the stairs that go to my bunker it's a little tiny three foot by three foot rock every two feet that's all you need for humans so this is what i'm gonna keep busy and it's gonna keep me why don't you just show us doing your puzzle in real time it can be a 17 hour episode.

00:32:44.000 This is an insult to this is so bad that I'm making a bad show talking about.

00:32:51.000 She's literally.

00:32:53.000 She's doing a game up.

00:32:53.000 Oh, let me get you.

00:32:54.000 It was too hard.

00:32:55.000 No.

00:32:56.000 She's organizing the pieces.

00:32:58.000 Okay.

00:32:59.000 What I realize is this 4,000 pieces is ridiculous.

00:33:04.000 I don't have a table big enough.

00:33:07.000 I'm not stupid.

00:33:08.000 It's Ellen.

00:33:09.000 No, you're not stupid, Ellen.

00:33:10.000 You're boring.

00:33:12.000 Wow.

00:33:13.000 And the fact that they're not trying it all shows how little they respect their audience.

00:33:18.000 I mean, all of these people could take advantage of their whole fucking fan base and have a million graphics ready and all kinds of shit.

00:33:26.000 Like even Conan's green screen bit, he could have been walking and sent that to someone who can do post shit.

00:33:33.000 I've already seen this.

00:33:34.000 I think, didn't we already talk about it?

00:33:36.000 We already showed it, but yeah, just to throw it in there.

00:33:39.000 I don't remember the audio.

00:33:40.000 Bad.

00:33:41.000 How many more months are we going to have to be eating Chef?

00:33:44.000 Brooks Brothers jacket.

00:33:45.000 I mean, total, the suit.

00:33:47.000 The question on everyone's mind was, I don't think that suit's totaled.

00:33:51.000 No, no, probably not.

00:33:53.000 That's how you watch it.

00:33:54.000 It's just the bottom got soapy, and he's wearing his underwear.

00:33:57.000 Could be right in that period of time where I say.

00:33:59.000 There's some production there, but pretty bad.

00:34:03.000 All right, so I sent you a couple videos.

00:34:07.000 And I don't consider this coronavirus talk, so I'm still allowing this on the show.

00:34:12.000 But show the videos that I embedded into that email.

00:34:16.000 We had, what do we have?

00:34:21.000 We had.

00:34:23.000 What the fuck?

00:34:26.000 I got memes.

00:34:27.000 Okay, I got the video.

00:34:28.000 All right.

00:34:29.000 Save.

00:34:30.000 Yeah, British fridges, and then 27 isn't labeled.

00:34:33.000 So the chick. 1.00

00:34:36.000 No, no.

00:34:37.000 Go to the fucking email.

00:34:38.000 Find the chick. 0.98

00:34:39.000 You can't play it full screen without it, so I'm just going to click them open because I downloaded them.

00:34:44.000 See, I care about your time, folks at home.

00:34:46.000 I'm not sitting here talking about my hair or my home or a puzzle.

00:34:51.000 Okay, this isn't the one I wanted.

00:34:52.000 I said the chick. 0.88

00:34:54.000 Oh.

00:34:56.000 Now, just pause before you show this.

00:34:58.000 This is a random person.

00:35:00.000 This woman does not make $10 million a year entertaining. 1.00

00:35:03.000 She doesn't have a massive staff of 50 people.

00:35:07.000 She's just a random chick. 1.00

00:35:10.000 Okay?

00:35:10.000 Let's see what she's got to offer.

00:35:12.000 Compare this to Seth Meyers.

00:35:15.000 Whilst we're all on lockdown and all the beauty salons are closed.

00:35:18.000 Just pause.

00:35:20.000 I'm sorry to interrupt a bit, but that audio is so fucking crisp.

00:35:25.000 She could have her lips up to my ears right now. 1.00

00:35:27.000 It's perfect.

00:35:29.000 To do a little video offering some hair care advice, just to try and keep it nice and neat and under control until they open again.

00:35:36.000 So we're going to start off by brushing it through.

00:35:39.000 I get it.

00:35:41.000 And she got to the punchline immediately.

00:35:43.000 No talking about herself, no talking about her house.

00:35:46.000 Here's another British person doing a much better job than any other entertainer.

00:35:51.000 Well, here we are, day five of lockdown.

00:35:54.000 I think I'm okay.

00:35:55.000 I've got food there.

00:35:58.000 I've got plenty food in the fridge, all stocked up, just in case lockdown goes on.

00:36:04.000 I've got some here.

00:36:06.000 I was talking to my mom the other day, and she kept using the word behemoth.

00:36:13.000 And I said, it's first of all, you've used that word twice.

00:36:16.000 Did I already tell you this story?

00:36:17.000 You've used that word twice in this conversation.

00:36:19.000 So you can't use it, I'm going to say for another 18 conversations.

00:36:23.000 And we don't see each other that much or talk maybe once a week.

00:36:26.000 So you can't use that word for years now.

00:36:30.000 And she goes, I get locked in a world and I keep using it.

00:36:33.000 And I said, and also you're pronouncing it wrong.

00:36:36.000 It's behemoth.

00:36:38.000 No, sorry, it's behemoth.

00:36:39.000 And she goes, no, in Scotland, I'm of the mind that we pronounce our words.

00:36:44.000 And I go, what?

00:36:46.000 Scottish people don't pronounce their words wrong.

00:36:48.000 You see, you people, no, going about that.

00:36:50.000 And she goes, oh, that's Glasgow, though.

00:36:53.000 If you go to the Highlands, they pronounce their words very distinctly.

00:36:56.000 And I go, but you're not from the Highlands.

00:36:58.000 You're from fucking Glasgow.

00:37:01.000 And you're pronouncing it wrong.

00:37:02.000 And another point about that fucking Scottish guy, who is clearly not Glaswegian, when you hear how well he's pronouncing his words.

00:37:11.000 What the fuck is with British fridges?

00:37:15.000 I know we have UK viewers.

00:37:17.000 Guys, everything in your country, and that's Scotland, Wales, England, I assume Northern Ireland, is so fucking small.

00:37:27.000 Even the washer-dryer, what are you washing?

00:37:29.000 A sock?

00:37:30.000 And the fact that you can have a fridge that is a cupboard and disappears into the cupboard, do you have any kids in your house?

00:37:38.000 And even if you don't, why was a house designed for someone with no kids?

00:37:42.000 Surely when you build a house, you assume it has to be available for kids.

00:37:46.000 If a bachelor lives there, well, then it wouldn't be a big house. 0.91

00:37:49.000 So why the fuck is this so tiny?

00:37:51.000 You need three of those.

00:37:52.000 Look at that.

00:37:53.000 This is one part.

00:37:55.000 This is about a third of my fridge.

00:37:57.000 And as far as juice, you have one thing.

00:37:59.000 Now they have concentrate.

00:38:00.000 They do this thing there where they'll have a thing of like pear juice, but if you were to drink it, you'd die of pears.

00:38:05.000 So you pour like a tablespoon in, then you add water.

00:38:09.000 So that's how they get over the juice hump.

00:38:11.000 But if you had four teenage boys, that would just have to be all milk.

00:38:15.000 And is it because they can put stuff on their counter?

00:38:18.000 Because it's so fucking cold there that they can have like a bowl of tomatoes and it's it's like they were in the CRISPR because their apartment is a crisper.

00:38:25.000 I mean, I was born there and I've went there every summer.

00:38:28.000 I've never figured out how they got away with such tiny fridges.

00:38:33.000 Maybe we're just fat pigs and we eat too much.

00:38:36.000 Bread.

00:38:37.000 Bread.

00:38:39.000 We've got Captain Zahagis.

00:38:41.000 Plenty of manies. 1.00

00:38:43.000 PlayStation 4, so we've got Gran Churismo.

00:38:46.000 So that's going to keep us busy there.

00:38:49.000 Lights are on, heating's on, it's all good.

00:38:52.000 I've got plenty drink in the cupboard.

00:38:56.000 I'll just light that up.

00:38:58.000 There we go.

00:38:59.000 Plenty drink in the cupboard, so we should be okay with that.

00:39:03.000 And I think I'm going to get through lockdown without too much concerns.

00:39:08.000 Stay safe, everybody.

00:39:11.000 Why didn't you laugh?

00:39:12.000 I chuckled, but I've seen that gag recently before.

00:39:15.000 Yeah, well, it's the running gag with the she said she'd give me a blowjob and a donut, and then he has a donut in the shot, right?

00:39:22.000 We already talked about those.

00:39:23.000 But both of those jokes were quick to the point, beautifully delivered, great audio.

00:39:28.000 That guy was using his fucking phone.

00:39:31.000 Celebrities aren't talented.

00:39:34.000 They're hardworking, lucky people.

00:39:37.000 That is what we have learned from this pandemic, that the people that everyone watches at night are talentless.

00:39:45.000 You know who gets a pass, I think?

00:39:48.000 Maybe you disagree, but David Spade.

00:39:50.000 Now, his audio-visual isn't great, but he's been interviewing everybody from Tiger King, and it's really good.

00:39:56.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:57.000 Look, this is not a be-all-end-all rule.

00:39:59.000 In fact, we learned John Oliver can do his homework.

00:40:02.000 What's with the weird blurry background?

00:40:04.000 That's a Skype option.

00:40:05.000 The reason that I was there went away, so I left him.

00:40:09.000 So he talked to the armless chick Saf. 0.99

00:40:13.000 He talked to Jeff Lowe, you know, the bad guy who took over.

00:40:16.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:17.000 He talked to.

00:40:18.000 That's a cool thing to use your celebrity for.

00:40:20.000 These celebrities keep using their celebrity to tell us to wash our hands or some charitable bullshit. 0.96

00:40:25.000 But he's like, I could get lots of guests because I'm famous.

00:40:28.000 These non-famous, famous people.

00:40:30.000 You got John with his nice teeth now?

00:40:34.000 I don't think so.

00:40:36.000 Good trick, though.

00:40:38.000 You have a shirt on.

00:40:40.000 You do a lot of the show shirtless.

00:40:42.000 Was that your idea or was that the director?

00:40:45.000 No, that was actually kind of the director's idea.

00:40:48.000 God, talk about ruining your reputation.

00:40:50.000 Like when his daughter, when anyone Googles his daughter, he's the guy that sucked dick for meth.

00:40:56.000 Yeah.

00:40:57.000 That's the kind of thing you don't want to follow you.

00:40:59.000 And not just any dick.

00:41:00.000 The curious exotic dick in the world.

00:41:02.000 Oh, this is a good segue to Tiger King.

00:41:04.000 What do we got here?

00:41:05.000 Oh, Cassandra Fairbanks put out a good N-word moment that I had forgotten happening.

00:41:10.000 That is 1-5.

00:41:13.000 You see, I've done some prep here.

00:41:15.000 I'm not just sitting talking about all the Disney shows.

00:41:18.000 1-5 shit for brains.

00:41:20.000 It's between two huge images.

00:41:22.000 Oh, so you have to, it takes so long to scroll.

00:41:25.000 Yeah, you scroll past the image because you're like, all right, it's not there.

00:41:27.000 Here in this country, it's absolutely pathetic.

00:41:30.000 I can't say the N-word, but you can get on YouTube and watch any black man's rap video, and they're calling each other the N-word.

00:41:39.000 What the hell is this discrimination?

00:41:41.000 I can't say the N-word, and they can't.

00:41:41.000 I'm white.

00:41:43.000 And it's going on here in this country.

00:41:46.000 You know what?

00:41:46.000 But I used to, as a liberal teenager, would laugh at that argument.

00:41:50.000 I remember Guns N' Roses played Montreal and Axel Rose gets up there and goes, how come you can have a black college fund, but you can't have a white college fund?

00:42:02.000 And everyone was cheering.

00:42:03.000 And I saw like four rows down, there was a black dude, a black metalhead.

00:42:07.000 It was just like, wow, it's a lot of cheering.

00:42:10.000 Wow.

00:42:10.000 Really going for it with the cheers.

00:42:13.000 Hey, I have a deep tan.

00:42:17.000 But now that I'm 49, I go, yeah, why can't you have a white college fund?

00:42:20.000 Also, the sort of racism towards whites has changed.

00:42:24.000 So I feel like that argument that he just made doesn't seem comical to me.

00:42:29.000 It seems reasonable.

00:42:30.000 In fact, I was talking to a dude on the phone the other day.

00:42:32.000 I won't say his name, but he's like, I just hope that this shit, you know, calms everyone down, maybe ends all this social justice warrior crap, at least for a while.

00:42:40.000 Like, am I going to be able to say nigger for two weeks after all this calms down? 1.00

00:42:47.000 Top concern.

00:42:50.000 That's the bright side.

00:42:52.000 That's another thing.

00:42:53.000 Sorry, I'm saying too much coronavirus shit, but I saw an article in the post today that said unemployment figures are going to be as bad as the Great Depression.

00:43:03.000 Yeah, but the Great Depression was 10 years.

00:43:06.000 Like when you saw those pictures of those guys lining up for food, their hats are torn to shreds.

00:43:13.000 Like they don't have clothes.

00:43:15.000 Waitresses don't have jobs right now because restaurants aren't open. 1.00

00:43:19.000 The second they're open, everyone gets their job back and it's going to be a baby boom and an economic boom, just like post-war America.

00:43:28.000 So to compare it to the fucking Great Depression is ridiculous.

00:43:31.000 Chinese, this happens in China every year.

00:43:34.000 Not, well, yes, flu outbreaks.

00:43:36.000 But the way Chinese work is, they work like 80 hours a week at least, every single day, occasionally take off a Sunday. 0.85

00:43:44.000 They don't see their families, which I think is fucking depraved.

00:43:48.000 A mother doesn't see her son, her toddler son, for 10 months of the year.

00:43:54.000 But then for anywhere from three weeks to two months, they take for Chinese New Year.

00:43:58.000 They go in depth in the country and live with their families, see their families and don't work. 0.95

00:44:02.000 So Beijing, Singapore, all those cities are shut down during Chinese New Year.

00:44:07.000 The economy recovers from Chinese New Year.

00:44:11.000 I am never going to financially recover from this.

00:44:15.000 Wow, you are finding things to use that for.

00:44:18.000 We have another Tiger King meme, right?

00:44:21.000 Yes, we got this one here.

00:44:25.000 Teleworking day one.

00:44:27.000 Hey, all you cool cats and kids.

00:44:29.000 Teleworking day 2367.

00:44:31.000 Guess what, motherfucker?

00:44:34.000 Guess what, motherfucker?

00:44:36.000 Ooh, that's good.

00:44:37.000 Thanks.

00:44:38.000 You should show your face, though, more, Ryan.

00:44:40.000 But I don't look like him.

00:44:42.000 I know.

00:44:44.000 Yeah.

00:44:45.000 You literally don't look like anybody.

00:44:49.000 Has anyone ever sent you a picture of a celebrity?

00:44:51.000 Yes.

00:44:52.000 Who?

00:44:53.000 Rufio from Pan.

00:44:56.000 Oh, Rufio Pan Man from Hook?

00:44:59.000 Yeah.

00:45:01.000 Is his last name Pan Man?

00:45:03.000 Yeah.

00:45:04.000 Oh, that's why the other Rufio. 1.00

00:45:05.000 He probably names himself though.

00:45:06.000 Oh, gotcha.

00:45:07.000 He does have a big fucking schnaz. 0.93

00:45:11.000 I got a double N. One of those stands for nose.

00:45:18.000 We'll be able to say that in about two weeks.

00:45:21.000 But yeah, if you want to find out about this stupid flu, watch Tucker Carlson.

00:45:25.000 He's got all this shit about how there's no bats at the Wuhan market, but there were bats at the bio research facility next to Wuhan.

00:45:34.000 And that's probably how it started.

00:45:35.000 And these dummies are trying to make biohazard, trying to make bio-warfare, whatever you call that, biochemicals. 0.99

00:45:41.000 And someone working there probably got piss on them and then went to the market and started this whole shit. 0.91

00:45:47.000 So that's kind of research I can't handle.

00:45:50.000 But while I was watching Tucker last night, they had the World Health Organization chief on, and his name just fucking pissed me off.

00:46:01.000 It's just such clear evidence, this is 1-8, that shithole countries are worthless. 0.99

00:46:11.000 The rest of the world is less than us.

00:46:12.000 I remember in Israel where my tour guide, we're on the Palestinian side, and he said, this wall here that Israel put up, the international community has all told them to take it down, and they persist. 0.99

00:46:25.000 And I was like, yeah, fuck the international community.

00:46:29.000 They're all losers.

00:46:32.000 And for evidence, I present exhibit A, their fucking names.

00:46:38.000 Tedros Adhanam Geb Reises.

00:46:43.000 And Coultersis.

00:46:46.000 And Coulters told me she hates doing audiobooks because normally she could just breeze right through it because she wrote the fucking thing. 1.00

00:46:52.000 But she goes, I get stuck on these stupid Muslim names where I'm like, Ahmad Mahatma.

00:46:58.000 Like the previous United Nations head, Butros Boutros Gali.

00:47:04.000 Now, isn't it evidence that your culture sucks when you have the same name in your name?

00:47:10.000 I'm Gavin Gavin McInnes.

00:47:12.000 I got you at Gavin McInnes.

00:47:13.000 You have an extra thing in there.

00:47:15.000 Why would you have your own name in your name?

00:47:20.000 And if he was named Boutros Gali, who's the shithead parent who named their kid Boutros?

00:47:25.000 Somebody with a stutter.

00:47:26.000 I'm going to name my kid McInnes.

00:47:28.000 I'm going to name my kids.

00:47:30.000 Yeah, that's what happened.

00:47:32.000 At the hospital, they go, what do you want to name it?

00:47:33.000 And they go, or how about that was the poor bastard who did that Muhammad video. 0.99

00:47:56.000 He's a Coptic Christian and he dared to make fun of Islam and was prominently jailed for it because Hillary decided that he was responsible for Benghazi.

00:48:05.000 And it worked, by the way.

00:48:06.000 He came out of the prison saying, Obama and Hillary are working very hard.

00:48:11.000 I deserve to be thrown in prison for a year.

00:48:14.000 And here's the stupidest fucking name in the world.

00:48:16.000 And it is evidence that these people are retards. 1.00

00:48:20.000 This is the top funder of Al Jazeera.

00:48:24.000 When you work at AJ Plus, and I've seen fucking liberal comedians go on there to defend George Soros and call him a Holocaust survivor.

00:48:33.000 Well, yeah, I guess people who helped facilitate it survived it.

00:48:38.000 The Nazi scientists in Operation Paper College. 0.60

00:48:40.000 Yeah, all the Nazis in Argentina.

00:48:42.000 I guess you could technically call them Holocaust survivors.

00:48:45.000 Soros went door to door telling the Nazis where to go.

00:48:49.000 Read his own book.

00:48:51.000 Watch his own interview on 60 Minutes.

00:48:53.000 George Soros told me that.

00:48:56.000 Anyway, you fucking losers who defend Soros.

00:49:00.000 The guy behind AJ Plus is named Hamad bin Khalifa bin Hamad bin Abdullah bin Jasmine bin Muhammad Al-Tani.

00:49:11.000 And when you Google image it, you get a bunch of different guys because I guess there's a lot of people named this.

00:49:16.000 It's the Mike Brown of Muslim names. 0.99

00:49:20.000 You'll get seven names because those are seven different names all combined.

00:49:24.000 Right, right.

00:49:25.000 I guess you should have put it in quotes.

00:49:26.000 Ahmad bin.

00:49:27.000 Put it in quotes.

00:49:30.000 And it pisses me off when I see these fucking rich sheiks and I think, why did we tell them that we want to buy oil from them? 1.00

00:49:40.000 We should have just said we're cleaning your water.

00:49:43.000 There's black sludge in it.

00:49:44.000 We're going to charge you $100 a month.

00:49:46.000 Do you think these fucking animals could have got their own oil with their own technology?

00:49:51.000 And now they're the richest people in the world.

00:49:53.000 What are you doing?

00:49:55.000 Hamad bin Khalif wid bin Hamad bin Abdullah bin Jaze bin Muhammad Alfani.

00:50:00.000 That wasn't so hard.

00:50:03.000 Ah, shitty culture.

00:50:06.000 Okay.

00:50:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:50:09.000 Last item of business.

00:50:12.000 Well, two more items, actually.

00:50:13.000 This is very important, and I wanted to get to this.

00:50:16.000 Two, three, Dakota Johnson went on a walk with the guy from Cold Play, and it just fucking pissed me off.

00:50:24.000 I used to be able to look outside.

00:50:25.000 When I lived in New York City, I could look outside, not check, we didn't have phones with weather back then, and I could just look outside and get a feel of what the weather is.

00:50:34.000 Now in the suburbs, when I look outside, I see wool hats and mittens and puffy jackets.

00:50:40.000 And then I go outside and it's 52 degrees.

00:50:41.000 Everyone's a pussy, but nowhere are they bigger pussies than LA. 1.00

00:50:47.000 You know what the weather is right now?

00:50:48.000 50 to 70.

00:50:50.000 Low in the middle of the night at 3 a.m., it's 52 degrees, which I'll ride my motorcycle in a t-shirt at 52 degrees.

00:50:56.000 In the day, though, the high is 72.

00:50:59.000 And this fucker is British. 1.00

00:51:02.000 A British guy.

00:51:03.000 He's got a tiny fridge at home.

00:51:04.000 And he's got, what is this foreskin scarf he has wrapped around his head? 0.94

00:51:08.000 It's a forescarf. 0.99

00:51:10.000 Circumcise your forescarf. 1.00

00:51:12.000 The circumscarf. 0.95

00:51:13.000 And his big, thick, heavy cricket sweater.

00:51:15.000 And look at her fucking hat. 1.00

00:51:17.000 It's 70 degrees out.

00:51:20.000 How irritating is that?

00:51:22.000 I don't think I could do it.

00:51:24.000 I think if I had that foreskin on and that hat, I'd start having a panic attack because I'd start sweating so much.

00:51:30.000 Fucking losers.

00:51:32.000 There's a lot of those pictures, too.

00:51:35.000 I guess the paparazzi still work, right?

00:51:38.000 You can shoot from your car.

00:51:40.000 Look at her.

00:51:41.000 They're stupid dogs.

00:51:43.000 Fuck off.

00:51:44.000 Paparazzi are so pointless.

00:51:45.000 Final news item before we get to the mailbag.

00:51:50.000 Cuomo's nipples.

00:51:54.000 What the fuck is going on here?

00:51:55.000 There is no explanation that I can think of.

00:52:00.000 We are, by the way, 2-4.

00:52:02.000 2-4 and 2-5.

00:52:03.000 Fucking 2-4.

00:52:04.000 Fucking.

00:52:05.000 Check out fucking Cuomo's nipples there right at 2-4. 1.00

00:52:08.000 Fucking given her.

00:52:10.000 Now, his spokesperson says, absolutely not.

00:52:12.000 That's not what they are.

00:52:14.000 There's been times when I was on Adderall, and Adderall speed makes you, it makes you, it makes your nipples hard.

00:52:21.000 Makes your dick shrink, and it makes your nipples hard. 0.98

00:52:23.000 So I put band-aids over them, and then I had two big squares there.

00:52:23.000 Yes.

00:52:27.000 So maybe he's trying to hide.

00:52:28.000 Zoom in on that if you can.

00:52:30.000 Maybe he's trying to hide his hard nipples with a band-aid or something.

00:52:37.000 But then it would be square.

00:52:39.000 So you clearly see three bumps there.

00:52:42.000 Bump one, bump two, bump three.

00:52:45.000 Here we see two bumps, and they're exactly a pierce nipple apart.

00:52:49.000 Right?

00:52:51.000 Yeah.

00:52:52.000 Now go to the next one.

00:52:53.000 This is a much bigger one.

00:52:55.000 I got this from my Reddit.

00:53:00.000 No, that's the same New York Post.

00:53:02.000 Oh, the second link, okay.

00:53:03.000 Yeah.

00:53:06.000 God, I'm becoming so weak from not boxing that holding a mic makes my arms spurt.

00:53:11.000 I'm lifting this fucking two ounces.

00:53:15.000 So look at that.

00:53:18.000 Now, when I first saw this, I went, this is Photoshop.

00:53:21.000 It should be Google Image back check.

00:53:23.000 But then people started sending me this, and then I saw the New York Post article.

00:53:29.000 I mean, come on.

00:53:30.000 Although that kind of looks a little bit like an X, I almost see four bumps there.

00:53:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:36.000 I could see that.

00:53:37.000 And then I thought, maybe it's a bulletproof vest, and those are just like, but that's not how bulletproof vests.

00:53:42.000 They have a chest plate.

00:53:44.000 They don't focus on the nipples.

00:53:47.000 I mean, you're not giving me a better explanation than that bottom picture.

00:53:53.000 Those are like pro big-sized pierced nipples.

00:53:57.000 Actually, they both look kind of like X's. 0.98

00:53:58.000 They look almost like sabers.

00:54:01.000 Like a Gillette logo or something.

00:54:04.000 Anyway.

00:54:05.000 That's weird.

00:54:06.000 very confusing.

00:54:06.000 Maybe it's some disease, Nipple disease?

00:54:09.000 You want to look into that?

00:54:10.000 No.

00:54:11.000 Okay.

00:54:12.000 You have a nipple disease where your nipples turn into pierce sabers? 1.00

00:54:15.000 They just multiply.

00:54:16.000 Oh, wait.

00:54:16.000 One more story.

00:54:17.000 Sorry, I really wanted to get this in.

00:54:20.000 This fucking dude, we like to amuse you and stuff and keep you entertained, but we also want to get you angry sometimes. 0.80

00:54:28.000 And this story needs to be heard.

00:54:29.000 Again, I saw it on Tucker last night.

00:54:32.000 Fucking dude, Arlington employee, Arlington, Virginia is right near DC.

00:54:36.000 Where is it listed here?

00:54:37.000 uh do do do do do do do do do Arlington searching Arlington. 0.96

00:54:45.000 No, no, no.

00:54:46.000 Did I not send it to you?

00:54:47.000 Was it a separate email?

00:54:49.000 No.

00:54:49.000 Arlington employee charged for shooting burglar in middle of the night.

00:54:53.000 Owner speaks out.

00:54:56.000 Oh, I got it.

00:54:57.000 It's a DC smoke shop.

00:54:59.000 And this poor bastard, he has a five-year-old daughter, right?

00:55:03.000 But he doesn't see her because he's been living in the smoke shop under quarantine.

00:55:07.000 I don't know if he has something or he's worried he does.

00:55:10.000 He doesn't want to give it to his daughter.

00:55:13.000 Or maybe he's not even allowed out of the shop.

00:55:15.000 But anyway, he's living at this smoke shop.

00:55:17.000 These guys come in armed.

00:55:20.000 They smash the window and it sounds really loud.

00:55:23.000 They maybe used a baseball bat.

00:55:24.000 He thought a car hit the building.

00:55:28.000 He comes out, grabs his gun, his legal gun.

00:55:32.000 They have fucking guns, and they're masked.

00:55:35.000 They come into the store.

00:55:38.000 He shoots them.

00:55:40.000 He's in fucking prison right now, in jail.

00:55:43.000 No bail, nothing.

00:55:45.000 She thought a car hit the store.

00:55:47.000 That's how loud it was.

00:55:48.000 To Hamza, it sounded like a loud shotgun noise.

00:55:52.000 The owner of the Arlington Smoke Shop says his employee, Hamza Abusharia, a father of two children who were not there, had been sleeping at the store to save money and to avoid the coronavirus after it hit his D.C. apartment property.

00:56:05.000 Repeating what I just told you.

00:56:06.000 Early Sunday morning, he says three burglars smashed this rock through his glass door in an attempt to steal cash and merchandise.

00:56:14.000 From what he said, he has never been scared in his life like this.

00:56:18.000 Arlington County police say Abusharia grabbed a gun in a back room, opened the door, and fired, went back in the room, and came out and fired again as the suspects were trying to run away.

00:56:29.000 He hit a juvenile suspect who is expected to be okay.

00:56:32.000 Now Abusharia faces multiple charges.

00:56:35.000 You feel like you know that guy?

00:56:38.000 Your webcam died.

00:56:39.000 Owner Jawan Akrai is outraged, saying this was clearly self-defense.

00:56:44.000 4:30 a.m., three masked men entering your home where you sleep.

00:56:49.000 Put yourself in that position.

00:56:50.000 Oh, so they weren't in the store, and he shot them running away.

00:56:53.000 That's probably why he's in shit.

00:56:54.000 By the way, that guy said he was born in America.

00:56:56.000 Listen to his accent.

00:56:57.000 Wait, I don't know.

00:56:59.000 Didn't he not go back in the back room?

00:57:02.000 From what he said, he has never been scared in his life like this.

00:57:05.000 It's enough.

00:57:07.000 He said that they were trying to get in, and as they were running away, he shot them.

00:57:13.000 Okay.

00:57:14.000 I think we're ready for the mailbag.

00:57:16.000 I just really wanted to get that story in there because in the midst of all this bullshit, someone fucking does something courageous, and we pillory them.

00:57:26.000 It's like they're letting all these criminals loose from Rikers.

00:57:30.000 No, he was sleeping in the back room, got up, went out into the sales area, shot, and then went back into the back room.

00:57:30.000 Oh, no, dude.

00:57:37.000 Oh, but they just said that news thing they were running away.

00:57:39.000 While they're running away, he also did try to.

00:57:41.000 Yeah.

00:57:43.000 Both are true.

00:57:45.000 Um.

00:57:51.000 Are we the mail?

00:57:53.000 We are heading to the mail.

00:57:55.000 Ryan, shut up.

00:57:57.000 You don't have a dad.

00:58:00.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.

00:58:05.000 Let me touch it.

00:58:07.000 Um...

00:58:08.000 I actually, that reminded me of a letter we got a long time ago.

00:58:12.000 Oh, yeah, the mailbag song.

00:58:14.000 She translated it for us into French.

00:58:17.000 So, but you want to play that again?

00:58:19.000 Okay.

00:58:23.000 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:58:24.000 Go back to the beginning.

00:58:26.000 Okay.

00:58:27.000 Go ahead.

00:58:28.000 Ready, set.

00:58:29.000 Ryan Tagal, tourna, pas de pe tournais, les jieu, fer le sac de courié à gavain.

00:58:39.000 Tournant, sorry, not tournais, because it's new.

00:58:42.000 Nu tournant.

00:58:44.000 I love Quebecois.

00:58:45.000 Ryan Tagal.

00:58:47.000 You know what that means?

00:58:48.000 Your gull is like your yap.

00:58:50.000 And ferm tagal means shut your yap. 0.97

00:58:52.000 But they've abbreviated it.

00:58:54.000 This is Québecois, not French. 0.91

00:58:56.000 And they just say Tagal, meaning your yap.

00:58:59.000 So if you're talking and a French person wants to show up, they just basically say your yap.

00:59:04.000 You know it's shut your yap.

00:59:06.000 Up.

00:59:08.000 That was fun from a fellow Quebecois.

00:59:12.000 Who watches you every night and thinks you're hot as fuck.

00:59:15.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:59:16.000 Good for you.

00:59:17.000 Sounds like she has the Samantha B husband disease. 1.00

00:59:23.000 Okay.

00:59:24.000 Ready?

00:59:25.000 Ready for some letters from the bunker, these isolated peeps.

00:59:25.000 Yes.

00:59:29.000 Isolated peeps.

00:59:30.000 This is from Jordan, and he hates that name, too.

00:59:34.000 I'm sure I'm behind the times on Agrier Insight.

00:59:36.000 I was going down a YouTube rabbit hole.

00:59:40.000 No, we've already read that before.

00:59:44.000 Lisa, why are you gay? 0.99

00:59:46.000 You are gay. 1.00

00:59:47.000 That's all she says.

00:59:48.000 That's it?

00:59:49.000 Yep.

00:59:50.000 Okay.

00:59:51.000 Why am I gay?

00:59:53.000 I don't know.

00:59:55.000 Well, I have a lot of gay traits.

00:59:57.000 I like fashion.

00:59:58.000 Me too.

00:59:59.000 And interior design.

01:00:01.000 I said, well, you ain't that straight.

01:00:05.000 I think I like fashion because I'm English and the Brits are really into fashion.

01:00:10.000 Like when an old curmudgeon Englishman comes to America, part of his to-do list will be like, I've got to go to Century 21 and look at some shirts.

01:00:18.000 I've got some really nice shirts here.

01:00:20.000 Or when the soccer hooligans would go to Italy and stuff for matches, they would have a day, they go a day early to shop because the Italians had such nice shirts.

01:00:31.000 Gavin, wife coerced me into watching Love is Blind on Netflix, and I suggest you sit down and take it in.

01:00:36.000 We've already got this fucking letter.

01:00:40.000 This is from Craig.

01:00:41.000 Hey, Gavin and Ryan.

01:00:43.000 This is a good letter, finally.

01:00:44.000 You talked about Jordan Peterson's daughter dating pretty much a pornographer pimp.

01:00:49.000 Then say that being a douche will still get you a chick like her. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Yeah.

01:00:53.000 Facial tattoos, being a douche, being a pimp will get you chicks. 1.00

01:00:58.000 Owen Benjamin goes into great detail about Jordan Peterson and his daughter and points out that she's fucking insane.

01:01:05.000 She left her man and her daughter to go with that porno pimp. 1.00

01:01:10.000 Ooh.

01:01:12.000 She obviously has some issues.

01:01:14.000 I guess she didn't get enough dick and is on a dick tour of Europe. 1.00

01:01:18.000 Anyway, let me fuck you with my heels on from Saskatchewan, Canada. 1.00

01:01:21.000 Craig, fun letter.

01:01:23.000 Come on, I'm fucking sweating my balls off.

01:01:28.000 You have balls?

01:01:30.000 You have balls?

01:01:31.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 This is from Caitlin.

01:01:34.000 Here's a new YouTuber that's going to get canceled.

01:01:36.000 She's like Soph.

01:01:37.000 Her name is Cringe Panda.

01:01:39.000 You should check her out.

01:01:40.000 Okay, I have checked her out.

01:01:42.000 She's exactly like Soph and she's really cool.

01:01:47.000 But yeah, it's only a matter of time because she doesn't support trans.

01:01:52.000 Cringe Panda.

01:01:53.000 Yeah.

01:01:55.000 The panda cringe.

01:01:56.000 This is from Steve.

01:01:58.000 Hey, Sleepy Fists.

01:02:00.000 Okay, first of all, I resent that.

01:02:01.000 They're talking about the punches I gave at Deploraball when that Antifa guy said, you want to go?

01:02:05.000 And I said, yeah, I want to go.

01:02:06.000 I was wearing a tight tuxedo, and my overhand didn't seem very Floyd Mayweather-y.

01:02:15.000 Yes, that's true when you wear a tight suit.

01:02:17.000 Also, here's something you have to understand about watching people fight when they're amateurs.

01:02:21.000 Fighting is not videogenic.

01:02:24.000 And the only reason it looks good to you when you watch boxing is because you're looking at the top 1%.

01:02:30.000 The top 1% of the boxes of doing 98% of the good fighting videos?

01:02:36.000 Boxing doesn't look very good if you're not a pro.

01:02:40.000 I got a better angle that the world hadn't seen until I released it to you.

01:02:45.000 Remember that?

01:02:46.000 Here it is.

01:02:47.000 Is this me fighting?

01:02:48.000 Yeah, this isn't my video.

01:02:51.000 It actually looks better from that angle.

01:02:53.000 Saw it?

01:02:54.000 Nope.

01:02:57.000 That's you.

01:03:00.000 That was like five frames.

01:03:02.000 Yeah.

01:03:02.000 Yeah, whatever, Ryan.

01:03:04.000 Better than the other angle.

01:03:05.000 That looks like poo.

01:03:07.000 Did you want to show Cringe Panda there?

01:03:09.000 Oh, yes.

01:03:10.000 I checked out her videos.

01:03:11.000 They're really, really good.

01:03:13.000 Soph, if you're watching, you should be shitting your pants.

01:03:18.000 What's that, Muh, Vibrator?

01:03:19.000 She doesn't talk about sex, does she? 1.00

01:03:21.000 It's cultural diversity at school.

01:03:24.000 I'm in a school district, and I'm putting my daughter Ashley.

01:03:27.000 She starts her freshman year.

01:03:28.000 And I really love the school.

01:03:30.000 It's real progressive.

01:03:31.000 There's a lot of high academics.

01:03:33.000 They teach kids just not only the academics, but to have a social conscience about how important it is to recycle global warming, all of that.

01:03:41.000 So I'm really excited about that.

01:03:42.000 By the way, again, better than Seth Myers and Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien and Samantha B. Isn't it funny how they can't do our job, but we can do their job?

01:03:54.000 It's sort of like when a girl doesn't want to fuck you and you find her repulsive, you're like, I don't want to fuck you either.

01:04:00.000 Which reminds me of what I was telling you earlier.

01:04:02.000 I wish I could remember the context for this, but I remember I was with a gay friend and he was stirring his coffee, just like, and there was this crazy bitch who was yelled at him and she said something insulting to him.

01:04:14.000 And he was kind of taken aback.

01:04:16.000 And in a split second, he just went, fuck off, you ugly bitch. 1.00

01:04:22.000 I envy how quick he did that and how perfect it was.

01:04:26.000 Don't try to be witty with insults.

01:04:27.000 That's what I always tell my kids.

01:04:29.000 If someone's teasing you at school, just say, fuck you, and shove them.

01:04:32.000 Don't be like, well, yeah, well, your father fucking blah, blah, blah. 0.85

01:04:36.000 Sleepy Fists.

01:04:36.000 All right, sorry.

01:04:37.000 I'm a graduate student earning my PhD in chemistry.

01:04:40.000 That must be fucking hard.

01:04:41.000 I know I say school is a waste of time, but I'm obviously not talking about STEM.

01:04:45.000 And with chemistry, you've got labs and all kinds of shit you wouldn't normally have access to.

01:04:49.000 Probably still better off interning at a place, but I totally get why you would take something as unbelievably hard as chemistry.

01:04:57.000 Fuck.

01:04:57.000 Remember taking chemistry in high school?

01:04:59.000 I would just go, This might as well be a huge black cock in my face. 1.00

01:05:03.000 I don't understand.

01:05:05.000 I'm going to pass the flying colors.

01:05:08.000 This isn't something that I can ever be a part of.

01:05:12.000 I'm having a hard time finding this email.

01:05:15.000 Is there something in there I got to click or go to?

01:05:17.000 Or is it just text?

01:05:20.000 The title is Bigotry of Low Expectations.

01:05:23.000 I'm going chronologically down.

01:05:24.000 I skipped a bunch because we had read them before.

01:05:27.000 Anyway, I'm a graduate student, blah, blah, blah.

01:05:30.000 Long story short, I always keep the concept of the bigotry of low expectations in the back of my head.

01:05:35.000 So you think this is going to get racial, but it doesn't.

01:05:38.000 I have sat through four PhD defenses, two men and two women.

01:05:42.000 And the difference in questions asked after their presentation is astounding.

01:05:46.000 By the way, scientists, you need to do a case study on slightly more than four.

01:05:51.000 But I don't doubt that this is true.

01:05:53.000 The women, from what I can tell, are lobbed easy softball questions so easy that you would have to be retarded not to answer correctly. 1.00

01:06:02.000 The men, on the other hand, are grilled.

01:06:04.000 Multiple hands go up, tougher questions are asked, and their presentation is more heavily scrutinized compared to the women. 0.97

01:06:11.000 In both cases, the women cry after their presentation. 0.99

01:06:14.000 Why?

01:06:15.000 Meritocracy is dead in the sciences, at least, and definitely in chemistry.

01:06:21.000 Any Hizzel, here is another example of how women have it easier than us guys, and the fact that they complain is reprehensible. 0.94

01:06:27.000 Can you fuck me with your heels on? 1.00

01:06:30.000 Let me fuck you with my heels on, yeah. 1.00

01:06:32.000 By the way, I've noticed some people who sign their letters, fuck me with your heels on, spell it H-E-A-L-S. 0.98

01:06:41.000 We are really reaching some new heights of illiteracy.

01:06:43.000 But that's a very interesting letter.

01:06:45.000 Thank you for that.

01:06:46.000 And it kind of shows you what women in STEM really is. 0.96

01:06:51.000 It's two separate classes.

01:06:52.000 One is, hi, you want to play house?

01:06:55.000 It's like when I play foosball with my seven-year-old, I watch the score carefully, and I'm always like two up or three down, and then I always make sure he has a comeback and I let him win.

01:06:55.000 Come on in.

01:07:08.000 When I play my wife or my 11-year-old or my 12-year-old, I'm just out to destroy them.

01:07:13.000 And it's fun.

01:07:14.000 It's a sport.

01:07:15.000 So when those male chemists are being grilled, there's no animosity there.

01:07:19.000 It's fun.

01:07:20.000 It's like, let's really play.

01:07:21.000 Now we're really having fun here.

01:07:23.000 I got some questions.

01:07:23.000 I'm going to grill you.

01:07:26.000 In other words, my youngest isn't really playing foosball with me.

01:07:31.000 He's learning how to play foosball.

01:07:32.000 And these women with these PhDs aren't really becoming doctors. 1.00

01:07:36.000 They are just playing a game and pretending.

01:07:41.000 That's how guys talk to one another.

01:07:43.000 This is an Out for Bud submission that we haven't showed, I don't believe.

01:07:49.000 We're down to March 29th now.

01:07:53.000 The subject is Re Out for Bud, and it's by a guy named Plush Television.

01:08:00.000 What do we do with these?

01:08:02.000 Make t-shirts?

01:08:03.000 I get sticker packets.

01:08:05.000 Ooh, that's a brilliant idea.

01:08:07.000 Let me resize that.

01:08:09.000 There you go.

01:08:10.000 This one's great.

01:08:11.000 Budweiser will sue us if we make stickers.

01:08:13.000 I like that he's got the old-fashioned can.

01:08:15.000 I could re-edit it.

01:08:16.000 I'd just like to.

01:08:18.000 No, that's fucking with someone's art.

01:08:20.000 Thank you, sir.

01:08:20.000 So that was awesome.

01:08:21.000 Good job.

01:08:22.000 Good job.

01:08:23.000 Good job, sir.

01:08:24.000 Hey, Gavin and Ryan, sending this along because it reminds me of my Scottish uncles, manly men who never get had.

01:08:31.000 Well, this guy gets had.

01:08:33.000 The video is short, cute, and worth a five-second chuckle.

01:08:36.000 This is from Mark.

01:08:37.000 He's over in Halifax.

01:08:38.000 Five-second chuckle.

01:08:40.000 My nickname in high school.

01:08:41.000 This is a very old video.

01:08:42.000 I've seen this a million times.

01:08:44.000 Have you seen this?

01:08:44.000 No.

01:08:48.000 I don't believe so many of these guys in this video have kilts.

01:08:51.000 What just happened?

01:08:53.000 You'll see.

01:08:54.000 Okay.

01:08:54.000 So some guy's yelling, you fucking prick, because he's got a pipe and he's not shooting white powder flour on his face.

01:09:01.000 And someone else tried it and they got flour all over them.

01:09:06.000 He's pissed, of course.

01:09:09.000 You're framing this weird.

01:09:12.000 I miss British pubs.

01:09:12.000 As usual.

01:09:19.000 I don't know, I'm gonna kill you now, you Three minutes! 1.00

01:09:24.000 I would be there as like a toddler.

01:09:29.000 Look, he's already been blasted clearly.

01:09:33.000 And they're saying, you just hold the top and you don't get any on your face.

01:09:40.000 Oh, look, he's doing something there where he switched it.

01:09:42.000 Did you see that?

01:09:44.000 Really?

01:09:45.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:47.000 It's got a setting on it.

01:09:52.000 It only works on super drunk guys.

01:09:57.000 He's quoting on how to do it.

01:09:59.000 Cotting on.

01:10:00.000 You bastard.

01:10:11.000 He just accepts defeat.

01:10:22.000 Scotland!

01:10:24.000 See you, people.

01:10:26.000 Dude, what is that thing?

01:10:27.000 Are you familiar with what that is?

01:10:28.000 No, it's some dumbar trick.

01:10:30.000 Oh, okay.

01:10:31.000 Chinese finger trick.

01:10:32.000 All right, that's enough letters for today.

01:10:34.000 Let's go into some final videos.

01:10:36.000 I was reminded in Lead Hills.

01:10:38.000 It's the tallest town in Scotland.

01:10:40.000 It basically started the modern world.

01:10:43.000 There was a man there who decided, he didn't invent the steam engine, but he figured a way to put it on its side in a way that could facilitate mass production.

01:10:51.000 As soon as that happened, we started to have factories.

01:10:53.000 Then we had the Industrial Revolution.

01:10:55.000 And the next thing you know, we have the Western world.

01:10:59.000 Scotland also, of course, separated church and state.

01:11:01.000 But John, what the fuck was his name?

01:11:03.000 Anyway, a guy from Lead Hills.

01:11:05.000 That's where my uncle lived growing up.

01:11:06.000 My uncle's deed now.

01:11:08.000 And I would go there all the time.

01:11:10.000 And there was a great story there about how Tam the groundskeeper, they went, it was a coal mine.

01:11:18.000 Lead Hills used to mine lead and coal.

01:11:20.000 And they would get it up on top of a hill, I guess.

01:11:25.000 And then there was a train tracks that would go down and deliver it to the trucks Or whatever in the village.

01:11:32.000 And they were playing around and they got in one of these things while drunk and it started rolling.

01:11:39.000 And then it started going over the hill.

01:11:41.000 And they're plunging down at about 80 miles an hour because this thing didn't have any brakes, hurtling towards the town.

01:11:49.000 And they pronounce the word Tom Tam in Scotland.

01:11:53.000 And the guy in the front just turns back to Tamar and he goes, whataft Tam?

01:12:01.000 It's become a saying in my family.

01:12:03.000 But it reminded me a lot of this.

01:12:05.000 This is some Glaswegians, 31, who are in a hot air balloon in China.

01:12:10.000 They're going to die, and their attitude is...

01:12:16.000 It's very Waraftam.

01:12:18.000 Timecode relevant or no?

01:12:19.000 Yes, Timecode is relevant, I believe.

01:12:23.000 Go back.

01:12:23.000 Oh, no.

01:12:24.000 Go back.

01:12:24.000 Go back to about here.

01:12:27.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 that's there.

01:12:38.000 Here, go a little farther, maybe here.

01:12:45.000 So they're hurtling towards the earth right now.

01:12:51.000 I'm going to lose my camera.

01:12:53.000 It's going to get wet.

01:12:53.000 We're running somebody's rights crawl.

01:12:55.000 Oh, and no, we're going to hit a dude's hut. 0.99

01:12:58.000 Check, that's it.

01:12:59.000 We're going to hit a dude's hut.

01:13:00.000 We're going up again.

01:13:01.000 Oh, we're going up again.

01:13:02.000 Yo! 1.00

01:13:04.000 He loves it.

01:13:04.000 He has it.

01:13:06.000 Give the smile.

01:13:09.000 The tree.

01:13:13.000 We're going into a tree.

01:13:15.000 Oh, shit.

01:13:16.000 Oh, shit, man.

01:13:21.000 Spatching into a tree.

01:13:23.000 Lapping your head off.

01:13:24.000 Stuck in a tree.

01:13:27.000 Stuck in a tree.

01:13:29.000 They wrote a song called Stuck in a Tree.

01:13:33.000 Stuck in a Tree.

01:13:34.000 You'll never guess how we wrote that one.

01:13:36.000 You are stuck in a tree.

01:13:40.000 Oh! 0.60

01:13:40.000 Oh no! 0.60

01:13:41.000 I'm gonna put it!

01:13:44.000 Oh! 0.60

01:13:48.000 Jesus.

01:13:51.000 I'm going to get nailed.

01:13:52.000 I'm going to get nailed by the gas tank.

01:13:55.000 Oh, don't.

01:13:56.000 Look at it.

01:13:56.000 You're going to burn it.

01:13:57.000 That's fine.

01:13:58.000 He knows what he's doing.

01:13:59.000 I've got full faith in this guy.

01:14:01.000 I've got full faith in this guy after they crash.

01:14:05.000 All right, that's all we got time for today, folks.

01:14:07.000 Tomorrow, of course, is live at 9 p.m.

01:14:10.000 And until then, get fired.

01:14:13.000 Get in trouble.

01:14:14.000 Be brave.

01:14:15.000 And never stop fighting.

01:14:17.000 I don't think I can do it.

01:14:28.000 Addicted to her perfectly, I had to tell her.

01:14:30.000 She like a fortune teller. 1.00

01:14:32.000 Your ex-nigga did go down to that. 1.00

01:14:37.000 She a killer and eaten, she a drip dumba. 1.00

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 01, 2020

S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS [2020-04-01 - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS]

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Transcript