Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E157 - WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT [2020-04-29 - S02E157 - WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT]

00:00:02.000 Call and call my phone, thinking I'm doing nothing better I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can use it again It's gonna call you back from you Call and call my phone thinking I'm doing nothing better I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can get back to it How funny family is actually fucking had you in bits Your mum has good jeans but Dads are ripped.

00:00:32.000 Dads like no one...

00:00:35.000 Betty.

00:00:51.000 What's up?

00:00:52.000 I think I've wet meself.

00:00:53.000 That's Frank from Some Mothers Do Av'em. 0.83

00:00:58.000 That was my parents'favourite show.

00:01:00.000 I was too young to get the jokes.

00:01:02.000 Just mocking this beta male who was always wetting his pants.

00:01:07.000 He'd go, Betty, I think I've wet meself. 0.92

00:01:10.000 And my dad would be dying laughing.

00:01:12.000 And his beautiful wife would be like, Oh, Frank! 0.99

00:01:17.000 I hope that television back soon.

00:01:20.000 The repairman said it was going to be a big job.

00:01:22.000 Well, it usually is.

00:01:24.000 Well, it's going to be back for Christmas.

00:01:25.000 I'm banking on it.

00:01:26.000 Jessica wants to see the Queen. 0.87

00:01:29.000 She's never seen a Queen before.

00:01:30.000 There we are.

00:01:31.000 It's all ready now for the tree.

00:01:33.000 It's back when you could make fun of beta males.

00:01:35.000 He looks like an alpha male by today's standards.

00:01:40.000 Well, bring it in.

00:01:41.000 Well, I'm a bit tired now.

00:01:43.000 Why don't we do it all tomorrow?

00:01:45.000 I only want to see it, Frank.

00:01:47.000 I love it.

00:01:50.000 I'm glad you decided to get a nice big one.

00:01:53.000 I've stolen his gestures when I do like a wimpy guy.

00:01:56.000 Why did you pull up the most boring...

00:01:59.000 Well, we have to see what the tree is now.

00:02:03.000 It's not pretty.

00:02:12.000 I remembered her being really hot.

00:02:14.000 So, let me guess.

00:02:16.000 It's a small tree.

00:02:17.000 It looks a good one.

00:02:21.000 Yes.

00:02:21.000 Got the big roads.

00:02:26.000 Frank, you bring it in.

00:02:28.000 Anyway, that was a fucking waste of time.

00:02:46.000 Sorry about that.

00:02:47.000 And I apologize on behalf of my parents.

00:02:50.000 That subjected me to that mediocre show my entire fucking life.

00:02:53.000 We don't usually bring in the New York Post.

00:02:55.000 Or show it, I should say.

00:02:58.000 Because every single headline is coronavirus, coronavirus, coronavirus.

00:03:02.000 We're all virused out.

00:03:04.000 I've been hanging around all my friends, all my MAGA dads.

00:03:09.000 I got this haircut as a fuck you to all of this quarantining.

00:03:15.000 Because I've realized a haircut has become a political statement now.

00:03:18.000 You know, in World War II, the blacks were told, everyone was told, that you can't use textiles.

00:03:25.000 So, just don't buy any more clothes.

00:03:27.000 We need everything for the war.

00:03:28.000 And textiles were very expensive.

00:03:30.000 So, the pimps would wear zoot suits because they used maximum textiles.

00:03:36.000 So, they'd have the big wide pants.

00:03:37.000 The hat would be this big.

00:03:39.000 They'd have long tails on the backs of their blazers.

00:03:43.000 That was the point of a zoot suit.

00:03:44.000 This is the new zoot suit.

00:03:46.000 We've been told not to go, not to have a barber over.

00:03:49.000 And I clearly had a barber over.

00:03:52.000 And so, I've been sending his number to the MAGA dads saying, don't tell any snitches, but this is your guy.

00:03:59.000 Forty bucks each.

00:04:02.000 And my eldest boy got his head shaved.

00:04:05.000 You know why?

00:04:07.000 Because he said to his friends when he's playing Fortnite, if we win this battle royale, I'll shave a hole in my head.

00:04:11.000 And they won.

00:04:13.000 So, he went, oh, shit.

00:04:13.000 And he took my clippers and just went, bzzz.

00:04:15.000 And I go, you know, you just shaved your whole head.

00:04:18.000 And he goes, no, I can comb over it.

00:04:20.000 No, no.

00:04:21.000 So, now he's got, now he looks like an egg.

00:04:24.000 But, yeah.

00:04:27.000 This is something I thought was worth seeing.

00:04:29.000 I didn't show you this yet.

00:04:31.000 Look at the fucking subways.

00:04:34.000 Your eyes are not playing tricks on you.

00:04:36.000 That is clothes piled to the ceiling.

00:04:41.000 And you know what's hilarious about this?

00:04:43.000 So, the reason the bums have taken over the MTA is they're understaffed. 1.00

00:04:48.000 The MTA police are working on a skeleton crew.

00:04:51.000 Ske-crew.

00:04:52.000 And we're seeing what happens when there's no policing in the subways.

00:04:57.000 Do you remember, maybe three months ago, Oink Oink You Monster is based on the mayor daring that sign.

00:05:08.000 We've got to make that t-shirt, dude.

00:05:10.000 That's so many t-shirts we have to do.

00:05:12.000 We have to do the Get Fired.

00:05:14.000 We have to do Invade Greenland.

00:05:17.000 And we have to do Oink Oink. 0.97

00:05:20.000 And the way cops will know we're not saying fuck you is we'll make tears coming out of her eyes. 1.00

00:05:27.000 Like, really obvious.

00:05:28.000 But, yeah.

00:05:29.000 So, they said, during those ridiculous protests, they had two basic premises.

00:05:35.000 One was, if you get more police in the subway, that's racist because blacks will be disproportionately.

00:05:40.000 affected.

00:05:41.000 Well, isn't that racist just saying that?

00:05:43.000 Because you're saying blacks are criminals.

00:05:44.000 Like, don't enforce the law.

00:05:46.000 It'll hurt black people because they always break the law. 1.00

00:05:49.000 And then the second premise, which was bizarre.

00:05:52.000 Free public transit.

00:05:55.000 The subway should be free.

00:05:56.000 What?

00:05:57.000 And I looked it up.

00:05:59.000 I couldn't find anywhere on earth.

00:06:01.000 I think Estonia has free buses.

00:06:03.000 But no one has a free subway, dumbass.

00:06:06.000 And then, after all those stupid protests, we see they pull down the MTA police just a bit.

00:06:13.000 we have clothes piled to the fucking ceiling look at that you can't get past and violence and rape and robbery the subway is forced is is going to hire private security to take care of it did you see that clip of those those nypd cops some fat little black woman just a little chocolate jujube uh was arresting some very strong black man, 1.00

00:06:41.000 and he kicked her so hard that he kicked her like a soccer ball. 0.99

00:06:48.000 And she was so round and fat, she rolled like a soccer ball about 20 feet and into the subway tracks. 1.00

00:06:55.000 Is that it?

00:06:56.000 Yeah, there he is.

00:06:58.000 Oink, oink, you monsters. 1.00

00:07:00.000 I mean, she really is like a little pig. 1.00

00:07:04.000 We having trouble with our player.

00:07:07.000 Don't do anything fancy to it.

00:07:10.000 Look at her.

00:07:10.000 She's can't.

00:07:11.000 We got a lot of cop videos on today's show, by the way.

00:07:13.000 That's right.

00:07:14.000 Break it.

00:07:19.000 If you're a male cop and you have a fat little tiny female cop with you, you're in danger. 0.99

00:07:25.000 My buddy Willie, when he had a little tiny midget of a female cop. 1.00

00:07:30.000 Look at this, look at this.

00:07:31.000 It's about to happen.

00:07:32.000 And he said that when he went to something like this, he would just call for backup before he even got there.

00:07:39.000 He was sless. 1.00

00:07:41.000 She's the Ryan Ketsu Rivera of cops. 0.99

00:07:47.000 Look, look.

00:07:48.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:07:50.000 That was a long way.

00:07:52.000 Yeah.

00:07:52.000 Whoa.

00:07:56.000 Easy with that third rail.

00:07:57.000 Have you noticed women are kind of bad at falling? 1.00

00:07:59.000 Like when I have the water.

00:08:04.000 We should do another unpopular opinions because I've really been piling them up.

00:08:08.000 Here's one I just thought of before we started the show.

00:08:11.000 And I'll get to women falling. 1.00

00:08:14.000 I kind of am not mad at Joe Biden for sniffing that chick.

00:08:18.000 If he just sniffed her neck, like if it was my daughter, I guess I'd beat him up. 0.69

00:08:22.000 But it's not the end of the world.

00:08:24.000 Like, I worked with gays in advertising.

00:08:27.000 They'd grab your ass and joke around about fucking you. 1.00

00:08:30.000 I mean, you're with someone who might be president one day.

00:08:33.000 There's going to be some hijinks.

00:08:37.000 And she probably smelled fantastic.

00:08:43.000 Just give them a sniff.

00:08:44.000 Let them have one sniff, ladies. 1.00

00:08:48.000 But yeah, I've noticed women fall weird. 1.00

00:08:51.000 And they're better at gymnastics than us because they have a lower center of gravity.

00:08:54.000 So why do they fall so weird?

00:08:55.000 I went to our place in Costa Rica with Shane Smith from Vice.

00:08:59.000 We invited all our families down for the year 2000, right?

00:09:03.000 That big party.

00:09:04.000 We're going to party like it's 1999.

00:09:06.000 And his wife was sick.

00:09:07.000 She was going through some breast cancer stuff. 0.84

00:09:09.000 But it's treacherous there.

00:09:11.000 And there's rocks.

00:09:12.000 And I never brought my kids once because they're scorpions.

00:09:15.000 And every time you get cut, it's so organic and tropical that the cut always gets infected.

00:09:20.000 Stub your toe, that's getting infected unless you wash it with soap literally four times a day.

00:09:25.000 So I would carry around soap in my pocket to wash cuts, little cuts.

00:09:30.000 Anyway, on all these crazy trails that got to our house, it was like walking like this on a hill to get to our house.

00:09:37.000 And old ladies shouldn't have been even trying it. 1.00

00:09:40.000 Anyway, sorry, she tripped on a rock and I watched her fall.

00:09:44.000 She fell like this.

00:09:48.000 Arms at her sides.

00:09:50.000 Like, so she fucked up her face because arms were at her sides. 0.81

00:09:55.000 She fell like a tree.

00:09:57.000 I'm like, don't you instinctually put your hands out when you fall?

00:10:03.000 Ow. 0.99

00:10:04.000 Why did you show that?

00:10:07.000 Oh, that could have been the end, my dad.

00:10:10.000 Holy Toledo.

00:10:11.000 I'm glad she can still walk.

00:10:13.000 What did you look up?

00:10:14.000 Women falling? 0.99

00:10:15.000 *laughter*

00:10:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:22.000 Like, even when she fell there, she didn't put her arms out.

00:10:25.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:10:26.000 Okay, I don't want to watch this anymore.

00:10:27.000 This is sadistic.

00:10:29.000 You ever see the female skateboarding? 1.00

00:10:31.000 And here's another horrible one.

00:10:35.000 This is a horrible thought I had, and I apologize to God for it.

00:10:38.000 But there was a cyclist in Central Park who hit a woman, and she died.

00:10:43.000 And I'm afraid, this is very unchristian, but I'm afraid my first thought was, oh, for fuck's sakes.

00:10:50.000 I could just see that the psych, a cyclist hits you, you fall on your ass, you fall down, you fall on your hands.

00:10:56.000 I bet she just went and hit her head on the curb like a fucking collapsed tree. 1.00

00:11:02.000 This is a very sexist and cop-heavy show today, folks.

00:11:05.000 In fact, we have a whole segment on men and women are different, and let's look at that through comedy.

00:11:12.000 But yeah, the streets opened the show.

00:11:15.000 That was a song they did with Tame Impala.

00:11:18.000 Just came out right now.

00:11:19.000 Fun little diddy.

00:11:20.000 I haven't listened to it much.

00:11:22.000 The streets were the biggest thing in the world and made us a ton of money at Vice Records.

00:11:27.000 And then poof, he just disappeared.

00:11:29.000 And I was actually looking at his album sales and I think he just wasn't popular anymore.

00:11:36.000 And he said, I'm not doing this anymore.

00:11:37.000 I'm not selling enough records.

00:11:38.000 That's my guess.

00:11:39.000 It was just supply and demand.

00:11:41.000 He had his moment in the sun and they because his last albums were just as good as his first ones.

00:11:51.000 And you know what you should do if you're a band like that that's having a moment in the sun like Sonic Youth were big during Lola Palooza or the Pixies?

00:11:58.000 Stop when it starts to go down, wait 10 years and then have an insane reunion tour.

00:12:04.000 I think that might be what Mike's doing.

00:12:05.000 This might be his comeback.

00:12:08.000 And he's got the same phone in this video that he had in Don't Mug Yourself, which must have been 20 years old by now.

00:12:14.000 It could taste weirdly better when your life is fucked up.

00:12:19.000 I was gonna call.

00:12:20.000 It's a good song.

00:12:25.000 Yesterday I was at home after I got the haircut and I heard my son, my youngest boy, crying, Johnny.

00:12:34.000 And you can tell as a parent what's a bullshit cry.

00:12:36.000 It's like a certain octave.

00:12:38.000 So I'm downstairs and you can tell what's like a faking to get something cry.

00:12:42.000 But I was like, that one has actual tears.

00:12:47.000 So I go upstairs and I go, what's the problem?

00:12:50.000 He just keeps crying.

00:12:50.000 Go, tell me what's wrong.

00:12:52.000 And he's just going, and there's actual tears.

00:12:55.000 So he's something he's worried about.

00:12:57.000 And I go, just tell me what it is.

00:12:58.000 I'm being that loud.

00:13:01.000 And he starts, he's got a new character that he does.

00:13:06.000 He did this character before where when he was freaking out, he'd pretend that he was falling and he couldn't get up.

00:13:11.000 It wasn't as a joke, it was for sympathy.

00:13:14.000 So you'd say, Johnny, come on, get your shoes, we're gonna go.

00:13:16.000 And he'd go, whoa, and like fall and pretend to fall downstairs.

00:13:20.000 Oh, ow, and then slip. 0.98

00:13:23.000 It's like slapstick comedy, really.

00:13:26.000 And it was terrible acting.

00:13:28.000 It's like when you see these soccer players or basketball players pretend they're hurt and they're like, oh, so he'd fall and he couldn't get up.

00:13:36.000 So he has a new guy now.

00:13:38.000 And it's like the Dickensian orphan who gets beaten every day.

00:13:43.000 So I said, just tell me what the problem is.

00:13:45.000 And he goes, like I beat him with a pole every night. 0.90

00:13:50.000 And then he goes into my closet and he's buying my wife's dresses, like our walk-in closet.

00:13:56.000 He's buying my wife's dresses.

00:13:57.000 I go, tell me what the problem is.

00:13:58.000 I'm being that loud.

00:13:59.000 And he goes, I've never hit you in my life, asshole.

00:14:10.000 You monster, oink, oink. 1.00

00:14:15.000 A little older than that.

00:14:15.000 That's a different.

00:14:16.000 That person's gone.

00:14:18.000 That's the weird thing about having kids.

00:14:20.000 We're like foster parents.

00:14:22.000 That little tiny baby, the new Johnny's nothing like him whatsoever.

00:14:26.000 So that cute little baby's gone from my life.

00:14:29.000 Isn't that weird?

00:14:30.000 It's like someone just took my baby.

00:14:32.000 They said, hey, your baby's gone, but here's a five-year-old.

00:14:34.000 Oh, okay.

00:14:36.000 I like that little guy.

00:14:38.000 Sorry.

00:14:38.000 Can't have him anymore.

00:14:40.000 I used to joke about putting the kids in wood boxes every night so they couldn't grow.

00:14:45.000 They'd just be these contorted, like Chinese feet. 1.00

00:14:49.000 I'm still two, dad.

00:14:53.000 And then eventually he told me, and it was that his brother touched his iPad.

00:14:59.000 And that he's so, I said, okay, bleach wipe it then if you're so worried about germs.

00:15:03.000 And I said, go get the bleach wipes from my bathroom. 0.99

00:15:07.000 And we go downstairs to my bathroom.

00:15:10.000 He won't get them for some reason.

00:15:11.000 And then we're in my bathroom, my study bathroom, my office.

00:15:15.000 And I realize he thinks the floor is gross because there's a piece of New York post that's stuck on the floor from when I had a spill, toilet overflow.

00:15:24.000 So he thinks the floor has germs.

00:15:26.000 That's why he couldn't get the bleach wipes.

00:15:28.000 And I was actually talking to a doctor about it later because I was saying, is he getting autistic?

00:15:35.000 And the dude told me that you really got to watch young kids right now because their view of the world is being formed.

00:15:42.000 And this is a strange world that's going on.

00:15:44.000 So you're going to have a lot of germaphobes, especially six-year-olds, five-year-olds, four-year-olds.

00:15:50.000 And then he brought up, you look at old people who were around in World War II when food was scarce and they were rationing.

00:15:57.000 And they're super fucking weird about food.

00:16:00.000 You know, like 90-year-olds, you'll find like a little dried fruit in their sock drawer and stuff.

00:16:05.000 And that came from, what are we at now, almost 100 years ago.

00:16:12.000 So all of this crazy behavior and him wanting to bleach wipe his iPad is actually consequential.

00:16:22.000 I've got to watch it with him.

00:16:24.000 And I'm telling my kids, go play, but I can't find any parents that are cool enough.

00:16:30.000 Well, I sort of can, but not for all three.

00:16:37.000 You see this in the news?

00:16:38.000 They found an alien.

00:16:39.000 This is 1.3.

00:16:40.000 They have footage of an alien.

00:16:42.000 This is very worrying for me because I've always said, if aliens exist, I'm no longer Catholic, no longer Christian, no longer believe in God.

00:16:48.000 We have to be the center of the universe.

00:16:50.000 God made the universe, made us in his image.

00:16:53.000 If there's another place over there that he also made, and we're what, number two?

00:16:59.000 That fucks up the whole thing.

00:17:02.000 So atheists must want this to be real. 0.95

00:17:11.000 But it's moving really fast.

00:17:16.000 As Joe Rogan points out, rates of speed and violating the known laws of physics and everything we know about propulsion.

00:17:26.000 Why was this classified and now it's out?

00:17:29.000 We think the aliens died of old age and they're not a threat anymore.

00:17:32.000 They're all going against the wind.

00:17:36.000 The wind's 120 miles from the west.

00:17:37.000 I'm a wall pink, dude.

00:17:39.000 I don't...

00:17:44.000 I don't have a solution.

00:17:45.000 I don't have an explanation.

00:17:47.000 I'll tell you one thing, it's not another country building better aircrafts than us.

00:17:53.000 No way.

00:17:54.000 And then you say, Gavin, you just said that you're not a Christian if aliens exist.

00:17:58.000 Have you ever heard of faith?

00:17:59.000 You're supposed to have faith.

00:18:01.000 And then to that I say, yeah, good point.

00:18:02.000 That's weird.

00:18:04.000 But I'm not going to deny what my eyes see.

00:18:08.000 Like that guy, Tam the Bam, in Leadhill, Scotland, who told me a story about seeing on the news that they are going to have a man on the moon when he was a little kid.

00:18:20.000 And his feather said, don't talk shite.

00:18:23.000 They're not going to have a man on the bloody moon.

00:18:26.000 And then like two weeks later, and a small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.

00:18:32.000 We have landed on the moon.

00:18:33.000 He runs in the kitchen.

00:18:34.000 He goes, da, da, they just said it.

00:18:36.000 They done it.

00:18:36.000 They're on the moon.

00:18:38.000 And he smacks his son in the hand.

00:18:39.000 He goes, you believe a man on the telly before you believe you're on theater!

00:18:42.000 That man in that story is...

00:18:51.000 That's how old that story is.

00:18:54.000 Speaking of CNN and crazy conspiracies, one, two, this fucking bitch, I discovered her because she, what's her name? 1.00

00:19:04.000 Caitlin Polance.

00:19:06.000 I think she is the conduit between the FBI and CNN.

00:19:11.000 And she is out to get Stone.

00:19:16.000 She said that Roger Stone had 50 fake Facebook accounts he was using to spread fake news.

00:19:21.000 That's still a lie.

00:19:22.000 And so I think CNN's attitude here is to double down, right?

00:19:26.000 Because they know that they have a very shaky premise.

00:19:30.000 Just like Chris Cuomo, when he said, shit, I got caught in the Hamptons.

00:19:33.000 I'm going to pretend that I want to quit in case I get fired.

00:19:36.000 This is what liars do, they just keep doubling down.

00:19:39.000 So we know for a fact, this is not controversial, that what's his name, the stakeout king, was at.

00:19:48.000 David Shortel.

00:19:49.000 David Shortel was at Roger Stone's house half an hour before the FBI showed up to take him away.

00:20:01.000 He did a 30-minute stakeout that became, brought him the biggest story of the year, possibly of a decade.

00:20:09.000 He has never broken any story before or since, but somehow in his gut, he decided to fly from D.C. to Palm Springs, not stake out there at night, not pull in at 8 p.m. and wait for the morning.

00:20:24.000 No, sleep at a hotel, have a good time, you know, rent a car, and then get up around 5, head there, 5.30, 6 a.m., boom.

00:20:34.000 Magically stalking out, staying out at Roger Stone's home as FBI arrested.

00:20:38.000 That's the word for it.

00:20:39.000 Magically.

00:20:41.000 And he's a little kid, right?

00:20:44.000 So I think this bitch is the one who set it up and told him to fly down there. 1.00

00:20:48.000 She will not stop hammering Roger Stone with lies and lies and lies.

00:20:53.000 So this segment, The Turgid Tattletale, Brian Stettler, they sit there and they talk about how many crazy conspiracy theories there are about CNN.

00:21:02.000 And the woman that I believe is behind the Shortel bullshit is sitting there going, I know. 0.99

00:21:08.000 It's crazy, Brian.

00:21:09.000 Check it out.

00:21:11.000 We have the Mueller probe.

00:21:12.000 You know, there's a Hollywood vision of how journalism happens, secret meetings and darkness.

00:21:18.000 Secret meetings, that sort of thing.

00:21:19.000 Okay, so, Brian, there's no secret meeting, right?

00:21:23.000 How did that little runt get there half an hour before the bus? 0.97

00:21:29.000 Just that's one simple question.

00:21:31.000 And remember that when it happened, the CNN woman kept talking to him.

00:21:36.000 That chick there, who, by the way, I'm very attracted to in the picture. 0.50

00:21:41.000 She just kept talking about his great instincts.

00:21:44.000 That interview where it says the one you're looking at right now, she talked about his instincts.

00:21:50.000 Again, doubling down.

00:21:51.000 Anyway, just look, let's look at this CNN.

00:21:55.000 People think we get tips from the FBI?

00:21:58.000 From the CNN senior report.

00:21:59.000 Okay, now I've heard everything.

00:22:00.000 According to the Mueller report on Thursday, three dedicated printers on standby.

00:22:04.000 That's all we are.

00:22:05.000 One of the reporters in that room was CNN senior writer Caitlin Palance, and she's here with me now.

00:22:10.000 Caitlin, this was the end of something and the beginning of something else.

00:22:13.000 I want to know about the stakeouts that you helped manage for the past 18 months, because people might have heard CNN had a team of young reporters staked out outside Mueller's office, what, every day since November 2017?

00:22:24.000 Every day, every weekday.

00:22:26.000 Stop.

00:22:26.000 Maybe they're trying to obfuscate it because they're trying to sully the word stakeout.

00:22:31.000 So in the future, when someone goes, didn't they have some weird stakeout thing that looked really bad?

00:22:37.000 Yeah, no, that people said they were having a stakeout outside Mueller's office for like 20 days, which doesn't make any sense.

00:22:45.000 And they go, oh, okay, I thought it was something, oh, I guess I'll drop it then.

00:22:49.000 We're not dropping it, David Shortel, ever.

00:22:52.000 6 a.m. until most of the prosecutors went home at about 5 every day.

00:22:57.000 We had, basically, they split two and two, one for the first year, one for the second year.

00:23:02.000 The producers' names were M. Steck, Sam Plossom, Caroline Kelly, and Liz Stark.

00:23:06.000 They get so much credit.

00:23:07.000 And they really saw everything.

00:23:09.000 They saw prosecutors coming in every day.

00:23:11.000 They saw Robert Mahler coming into the office every day with very few exceptions, a couple exceptions.

00:23:16.000 So you did do a statement.

00:23:17.000 They really did see witnesses going in.

00:23:19.000 They saw defense attorneys.

00:23:20.000 We were able to identify how much activity was going on in the office.

00:23:23.000 Well, here's an example.

00:23:24.000 You all were seeing pictures.

00:23:26.000 What was this lawyer's name?

00:23:27.000 Tom Green.

00:23:28.000 He was a white-collar attorney that was pictured one day coming out of the office.

00:23:32.000 You all found out that he was working with who?

00:23:35.000 With Rick Gates?

00:23:36.000 We did.

00:23:37.000 So we saw a photo of Tom Green early on.

00:23:40.000 I forget what's going on here.

00:23:41.000 Maybe another angle is they're saying we are really good at stakeouts.

00:23:46.000 We do have a stakeout gift.

00:23:48.000 I think CNN has a whole damage control department, probably mostly broads, that sit there and go, okay, we got a few problems here.

00:23:58.000 That stakeout thing with Chartel, we fucked up.

00:24:00.000 He should have been parked there like for two days, but 15 minutes, that's not going to go away.

00:24:06.000 All right, all right, calm down, calm down.

00:24:08.000 We already complimented him and said we're good at stakeouts.

00:24:11.000 Let's just keep doing stakeouts.

00:24:13.000 And that will just be one of our many stakeouts.

00:24:16.000 And it'll just be our most successful one by far.

00:24:18.000 But if we could stack some more below it, it'll look more reasonable.

00:24:23.000 Okay, let's do it.

00:24:25.000 In other words, CNN is a PR firm whose client is CNN.

00:24:30.000 And they're constantly doing damage control because they're all incompetent and corrupt.

00:24:37.000 Speaking of important news, I don't like these Joe Biden gaffes.

00:24:44.000 Remember when Danny Bottaducci fought Barry Williams?

00:24:47.000 It was the two guys from the Brady bunch had a celebrity boxing match?

00:24:51.000 This was in the 90s, I believe.

00:24:52.000 So there's no good footage of it.

00:24:54.000 I'm not sure you should bother bringing it up.

00:24:55.000 But you're watching a guy who's like 60 get pounded by a fit man, and you're just watching it going, ugh.

00:25:02.000 Like boxing is good because they match them up perfectly.

00:25:05.000 So you're seeing two men at the peak of their performance nailing each other and digging out punches.

00:25:10.000 And you're like, whoa, I got to watch that in slow motion.

00:25:12.000 Canelo's a fucking animal.

00:25:15.000 Deante Wilder has a nuclear weapon in his fucking glove. 1.00

00:25:20.000 But this, I mean, this isn't fun.

00:25:25.000 I don't enjoy seeing my dad get smashed to the mat.

00:25:31.000 It's sad and disturbing.

00:25:32.000 It's sort of like when you're watching street fights and you see them jump, kick the guy in the head when he's already passed out and the head is just going bling, bling.

00:25:40.000 I hate it.

00:25:40.000 Anyway, that's how I feel about Biden.

00:25:43.000 Like I'm genuinely intrigued by people who support him.

00:25:47.000 I want to meet them.

00:25:50.000 Step back.

00:25:51.000 If, in fact, for example, we solve the problem in the United States of America and you don't solve it in other parts of the world, you know what's going to happen.

00:25:59.000 You're going to have travel bans.

00:26:00.000 You're going to not be able to have economic intercourse around the world.

00:26:05.000 We just talked over the most important part, shithead economic intercourse around the world.

00:26:10.000 You're going to have travel bans.

00:26:11.000 You're going to not be able to have economic intercourse around the world.

00:26:15.000 There's a lot.

00:26:16.000 Look, when America goes alone, when America is first, it's what the fuck is economic intercourse? 0.66

00:26:23.000 Why would your brain like I would have to be so wasted to say something like that?

00:26:30.000 It's fun.

00:26:31.000 It's become a guessing game.

00:26:32.000 The only fun thing about it now is to figure out what he was going for.

00:26:35.000 Does he mean economic interactions?

00:26:38.000 Recourse.

00:26:41.000 Recourse isn't a bad guess, actually.

00:26:44.000 Like when he said all men are created equal, and then he said, you know the thing, the thing was obviously we hold these truths to be self-evident.

00:26:52.000 That's an easy one.

00:26:53.000 Yeah, I know the thing.

00:26:54.000 Thing equals full sentence, basically.

00:26:57.000 Thing equals we hold these truths to be self-evident.

00:26:59.000 But economic recourse, I think, is better than my guess.

00:27:02.000 Yeah, I'm going to go with economic recourse, intercourse.

00:27:06.000 I said orgasm on a science quiz instead of organism once, and that was a big problem in fifth grade.

00:27:11.000 Great story, Ryan.

00:27:13.000 And here's another one, 1-5, where Hillary's endorsing him and saying he's awesome, and he falls asleep.

00:27:22.000 Remember, my theory was that he's on Xanax or something, or opioids, and those make you very touchy.

00:27:28.000 And that's why he's such a sniff machine because he's like high.

00:27:32.000 You know, the way they're always like this and stuff.

00:27:35.000 Our women.

00:27:36.000 And one out of three jobs held women in our country has been classified as essential.

00:27:45.000 So this is an issue that affects all of us.

00:27:48.000 They're not sending their best.

00:27:51.000 These are not worthy adversaries.

00:27:54.000 Jesus H. Christeist.

00:27:57.000 Speaking of not sending their best, let's do a deep dive into the difference between men and women and how evident it is when you look at that difference through the prism of comedy. 0.73

00:28:14.000 I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can use it again.

00:28:19.000 Women are different than men. 1.00

00:28:21.000 They have different brains.

00:28:23.000 They look different.

00:28:24.000 They act different.

00:28:25.000 They have different instincts.

00:28:26.000 This has become a crazy revolutionary thing to say, despite what our eyeballs and earholes tell us on a regular basis.

00:28:35.000 Now, humor is a great place to showcase this difference.

00:28:39.000 John Clees said that the problem with women and humor is that good jokes have an air of mean-spiritedness. 1.00

00:28:47.000 It's a form of conflict.

00:28:49.000 It's a form of sort of, it's almost a mockery of violence in a way when you're messing with people and insulting them.

00:28:56.000 I mean, I was just saying to Ryan that I read an article that said that co-workers who have sex in the workplace, they tend to be more productive. 0.83

00:29:05.000 And studies have shown that even when it's two men who work together and are intimate, even if they're not gay, the production increases.

00:29:13.000 So in my joke, I'm essentially threatening to rape Ryan.

00:29:19.000 And that's why it's funny.

00:29:21.000 Now, a woman saying to her female co-worker, or a woman saying to her female employee, we should fuck. 1.00

00:29:30.000 It'll be good for productivity.

00:29:33.000 It doesn't even make any sense.

00:29:35.000 She's not strong enough to rape her. 1.00

00:29:36.000 And how does a woman rape a woman? 1.00

00:29:38.000 They just sort of rub their vaginas on each other. 1.00

00:29:40.000 Get off, get off. 1.00

00:29:44.000 She just chases her around the room, rubbing her vagina on her. 1.00

00:29:46.000 Get off of me, get off of me. 0.97

00:29:49.000 I'm raping you. 0.60

00:29:51.000 You need a thing to rape. 1.00

00:29:52.000 You can't rape with a hole. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Anyway, that's enough rape jokes. 1.00

00:29:57.000 I've got some fun examples of this, but before we get on to the humor part, 90 Day Fiancé has this weird little mongoose on Adderall who has a Parisian accent, even though he looks Bangladeshi and lives in Australia.

00:30:10.000 And he had a seminar telling women how to get laid.

00:30:15.000 Hey, ladies, you want to know how to get laid? 1.00

00:30:17.000 Say yes.

00:30:20.000 Out of the hundred times men try to fuck you, say yes to one of them, and you will get a man. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Jesus Christ.

00:30:28.000 So this is obviously fake.

00:30:29.000 This is obviously the producers paying people $100 each to come to this fake seminar.

00:30:34.000 But that's not why it's interesting.

00:30:41.000 Hey guys, how are you doing?

00:30:42.000 Hi.

00:30:43.000 Bella, nice to meet you.

00:30:44.000 Pleasure meeting you.

00:30:45.000 Hi, Melanie.

00:30:45.000 Hi, I'm Kate.

00:30:47.000 Perfectly normal when you're going to do a seminar to introduce yourself to every member of the audience.

00:30:52.000 Yes, we do that a lot on stage.

00:30:54.000 Yes.

00:30:56.000 I just say hi to everyone.

00:30:57.000 And I'm just going to be able to do it.

00:30:59.000 How are you doing?

00:31:00.000 Just pause.

00:31:00.000 He's clearly never done this before.

00:31:03.000 Jordan Peterson doesn't go, hi, clean your room, to every single person in the auditorium.

00:31:10.000 And look at his eyes.

00:31:11.000 This guy must be on, what, 40 MGs of AD?

00:31:14.000 Ash.

00:31:15.000 Hi, Alec.

00:31:17.000 Hello.

00:31:18.000 One of my friends told me about Ash.

00:31:20.000 He sounded like a lovely guy.

00:31:23.000 And I've always been interested in the psychology behind relationships and what makes us tiff.

00:31:31.000 So yeah, I was just interested to come see what he had to say.

00:31:37.000 Good morning, ladies. 0.99

00:31:40.000 Thank you.

00:31:41.000 Thank you so much for being here.

00:31:43.000 It will be very, very exciting to be telling you a few things that I have put together today.

00:31:51.000 A lot of my work is one-on-one, but seminars are great because seminars are great when the producers of 90 Day Fiancé pay people $1,000.

00:32:00.000 I can see the lucrative.

00:32:03.000 Lucrativeness.

00:32:04.000 I actually looked that up.

00:32:05.000 It is on Google as a word.

00:32:09.000 We'll see that I'm passionate about helping women find the right man just to make her feel more safer and certain about what I'm doing. 0.93

00:32:21.000 What was that?

00:32:22.000 Is that an Adderall thing?

00:32:25.000 Your eyes dry out from not blinking, and you have to sort of squeeze them shut.

00:32:29.000 By the way, He's sitting there.

00:32:30.000 He's about to talk to women about their brains. 0.99

00:32:32.000 Women are remarkably closed-minded about their minds. 1.00

00:32:36.000 They don't like a lot of people, like males, especially white males, we're interested in stereotypes and things you tell us about ourselves.

00:32:42.000 Like, you know, that men don't really sleep as long as blah, blah, blah. 0.87

00:32:46.000 We go, oh, really?

00:32:46.000 Hmm.

00:32:47.000 But women and minorities, they don't like any kind of stereotype because they think it could be used against them. 1.00

00:32:53.000 They feel vulnerable.

00:32:54.000 Like, I remember Nike noticed that American Indians have bigger big toes than us.

00:32:59.000 So they made a special shoe that had more room in the big toe area.

00:33:02.000 And Indians rejected it and said, wait, we don't have bigger toes.

00:33:05.000 What the fuck is this about?

00:33:06.000 And Nike went, us, I'm just trying to help.

00:33:08.000 I don't have a big, big, big toe.

00:33:09.000 Fuck you.

00:33:09.000 And Nike went, okay, sorry.

00:33:10.000 Well, we're burning them, but they're done.

00:33:12.000 Sorry.

00:33:13.000 This is what is about to happen here.

00:33:15.000 Anyone of you ladies who are in a relationship at the moment right now?

00:33:19.000 Boyfriend?

00:33:20.000 No.

00:33:20.000 Okay, cool.

00:33:21.000 Yeah, they're all single.

00:33:22.000 Sure.

00:33:23.000 Did you notice, by the way, them lying?

00:33:27.000 Producers of these shows are all gay, by the way.

00:33:29.000 So he said, when he asks you if you're single, you have to be single, okay?

00:33:32.000 So if you ask you to have a boyfriend, just say no.

00:33:34.000 And they're so ashamed as they lie, they just go.

00:33:40.000 Anyone else?

00:33:44.000 No.

00:33:46.000 Look at this one.

00:33:47.000 She hates lying.

00:33:49.000 Okay, cool.

00:33:50.000 What I'm going to be talking today about is how to find a man and not kill him.

00:33:57.000 Why not kill him is because women don't really understand the different ways that men work in their brains. 1.00

00:34:06.000 If you think a Parisian man, there is black box. 0.79

00:34:09.000 Do you see a white marker on a white eraser board?

00:34:12.000 You have to trust me is that I'm drawing.

00:34:15.000 This is obviously a circle.

00:34:17.000 You can tell by my movements.

00:34:20.000 So he just said that men's brains are a series of boxes and women's brains are more like scales of a fish.

00:34:26.000 They're interlinked.

00:34:27.000 That's an interesting theory.

00:34:28.000 And that sort of checks when I think of my own brain.

00:34:30.000 I definitely have a box that's thinking of sex 24 hours a day.

00:34:33.000 And if I'm talking to a dead, obese manatee, it's still like, well, maybe I could fuck it somehow.

00:34:41.000 Maybe somehow.

00:34:42.000 Maybe my wife dies and you put some lingerie on. 0.95

00:34:45.000 Who knows what could happen?

00:34:46.000 It's annoying, by the way.

00:34:48.000 It's not fun.

00:34:49.000 Thinking of anything at a time, everything is like, it's going crazy in your brain.

00:34:55.000 And for a man, it's going to be different.

00:34:58.000 Just pause.

00:34:59.000 This is all factual.

00:35:00.000 We know it to be true from our own life experience.

00:35:02.000 This is why women are better at dishes. 1.00

00:35:04.000 See, a man can do 10,000 dishes.

00:35:07.000 So Thanksgiving, I'm happy to do the dishes for all 15 people that were here because it's a major thing.

00:35:14.000 It's like it takes us a while to get into the zone.

00:35:16.000 And then once we're in the zone, we can't stop.

00:35:18.000 It's like a boulder in Indiana Jones.

00:35:20.000 And I say that to my kids all the time.

00:35:22.000 I say, I'm getting mad.

00:35:23.000 And when I get mad, I can't get unmad.

00:35:25.000 Because it's true.

00:35:26.000 They push me and push me.

00:35:27.000 And then I blow my top.

00:35:28.000 And then I can't be fine after.

00:35:30.000 But a woman can walk through a plate glass window and say, fancia copper. 1.00

00:35:34.000 In fact, I remember this happened once.

00:35:35.000 I was upstairs visiting my parents.

00:35:37.000 And I heard my mom say, why the fuck did you marry me? 1.00

00:35:42.000 Why the fuck did I marry you?

00:35:46.000 And the you was so loud that the windows were shaking and she shifted the entire foundation of the home a quarter of an inch.

00:35:52.000 And I went, uh-oh, someone's going to die.

00:35:55.000 So I came downstairs, and I swear to God, this was maybe 15 seconds later.

00:35:58.000 My mom goes, you fancy a cuppa?

00:36:01.000 Would I like a cup of tea?

00:36:03.000 What happened to Godzilla who was just here?

00:36:06.000 So a woman can go in, clean like three plates, one fork, and do it. 1.00

00:36:11.000 If we do that, we go, okay, I'm the cleaning guy now.

00:36:13.000 And then the plates are done.

00:36:14.000 I'm like, oh, fuck, now I'm in the cleaning zone and I can't get out.

00:36:18.000 So he's correct.

00:36:19.000 But women hate hearing stuff like this. 0.95

00:36:21.000 I'm not positive why.

00:36:25.000 It's only been a few minutes into the seminar and I can feel the room getting tense.

00:36:31.000 It was turning into a subject of like, men are this and women are this, which to me smoke shows in this how to delayed seminar, huh?

00:36:40.000 And bend over and lift her skirt. 1.00

00:36:43.000 That's the key.

00:36:44.000 I have never gotten that vibe from him previous to the seminar.

00:36:51.000 The woman, when there's something small, it tends to get really big. 1.00

00:36:55.000 And for men, our brain is working very different.

00:37:00.000 That's why with men, there is a box in their brain that we call the nothing box.

00:37:05.000 And we love to be in the nothing box.

00:37:06.000 Fishing, that's what it is.

00:37:08.000 There's a million memes about this.

00:37:10.000 Like it's two, it's a couple lying in bed, and she's on the other side of him.

00:37:14.000 She goes, I wonder if he's thinking about me right now.

00:37:16.000 And then they show his brain, and it's just like a dead spider or just like an empty parking lot.

00:37:24.000 Why we can fish for such a long time.

00:37:25.000 And that means successful because it's based on reality.

00:37:29.000 But you want to get in that nothing box and try to start decorating.

00:37:33.000 By the way, just pause.

00:37:34.000 Why is a guy telling us how to get guys?

00:37:37.000 Have you been getting in a lot of men's nothing boxes?

00:37:39.000 Where did you develop this skill?

00:37:42.000 Is your only qualification that you're a male and you like chicks? 0.88

00:37:46.000 Thanks.

00:37:48.000 Question?

00:37:49.000 You talk a lot about like men and women being very different.

00:37:53.000 Do you recognize that we all have both inside of us?

00:37:57.000 Like we are both masculine and correct.

00:38:01.000 He's not talking about that, you dumb bitch. 1.00

00:38:03.000 He's talking about the general structure of a brain.

00:38:05.000 Not that men can sometimes like flowers and be affectionate and women can sometimes be boxers. 0.75

00:38:10.000 We're aware that there's a Venn diagram of male and female thinking, but it's a very thin sliver down the middle.

00:38:17.000 We're fundamentally different because we've had fundamentally different roles for hundreds of thousands of years.

00:38:25.000 We've only had feminism for like an hour and a half, but we've been hunters and gatherers for hundreds of thousands of years and women have been nurturing and being back in the cave for a long ass time. 1.00

00:38:35.000 And no, cave isn't yesterday.

00:38:37.000 I was in Israel and there was Palestinians who were still literally living in fucking caves. 1.00

00:38:43.000 So we haven't evolved that much.

00:38:46.000 My impression of Ash is he's quite out of his depth talking to us as if we don't understand the brains of a man.

00:38:57.000 So what if we learn to balance the masculine and feminine within us?

00:39:00.000 So then there's not really a distinct difference between the two.

00:39:03.000 That's the key.

00:39:05.000 Zubi was kind of doing this with Saudi Arabia where he says, well, there's good sides and bad sides of all countries.

00:39:10.000 And it's, you know, there's things called patterns.

00:39:13.000 Okay, anecdotal evidence doesn't nullify the pattern.

00:39:16.000 Just because you can think of some exceptions doesn't mean that I can't see with my own eyes that men and women are different.

00:39:22.000 And I think women have this tendency to say, Well, we can just, I do male stuff and you, and we're just as strong. 0.99

00:39:28.000 That's why you see women getting into fights and telling bouncers they're going to beat their ass. 1.00

00:39:33.000 We'll play a video today where this woman just punches a cop in the head because you think we're all the same. 1.00

00:39:40.000 The thing is that you can balance them, but you will be always in that essence of a feminine. 0.64

00:39:45.000 That's true.

00:39:46.000 There's different.

00:39:50.000 What kind of idiot talks to women and tells them stuff like this?

00:39:54.000 I mean, you go up to a bunch of short people and tell them they'll never be in the NBA.

00:40:00.000 That's a fact, but you're going to get shat on, dumbass.

00:40:05.000 I'll explain that.

00:40:09.000 Why are all these men?

00:40:13.000 They're very logical about their way of being.

00:40:21.000 Hate facts.

00:40:22.000 So men and women, there's never. 0.52

00:40:26.000 I bet most of these girls work on the show. 1.00

00:40:27.000 I bet we're looking at a bunch of ADs and sound people and shit.

00:40:30.000 An understanding on each other's...

00:40:38.000 I'm going through a few stuff in my mind that is actually going too crazy.

00:40:42.000 Wait, didn't he say that women will think of a thousand things at once?

00:40:45.000 They don't know what's going on.

00:40:47.000 In the movie, I think it's called What Women Want, Mel Gibson reads this woman's brain because he can hear people's thoughts.

00:40:52.000 And he says back to her exactly what she was just thinking: like, I wish a man would come up to me and just say, I'm going to take you out for dinner.

00:40:59.000 I love you.

00:41:00.000 And he says that verbatim.

00:41:02.000 And she goes, what the hell?

00:41:02.000 Get away from me.

00:41:04.000 And I think that's, it's obviously a fictional movie, but it's a very factual trait.

00:41:12.000 Why did you come to this seminar?

00:41:13.000 This is so, reality shows are so fucking fake.

00:41:17.000 Wait, he's stopping the seminar to go look at his phone?

00:41:22.000 What an imbecile.

00:41:23.000 This guy's a loser.

00:41:26.000 By the way, people on 90 Day Fiancé, if you have to travel to the other side of the world to get a van or he has to travel to the other side of the world to get you, he sucks.

00:41:36.000 So if you're a dirt-poor peasant in the Philippines who lives under corrugated tin and your dad sleeps with pigs, the guy that you get is going to suck.

00:41:48.000 He's going to have no neck.

00:41:49.000 He's going to tell you to shave your legs and brush your teeth.

00:41:53.000 He's going to be a fucking loser.

00:41:56.000 I just need a moment.

00:41:59.000 Your breath is not so good.

00:42:03.000 Is he stopping his seminar?

00:42:05.000 I've never watched this whole thing.

00:42:07.000 I fucked up.

00:42:12.000 How female of him. 0.69

00:42:14.000 He got confronted and he buckled.

00:42:17.000 All right.

00:42:17.000 So that was just a fun way to introduce it.

00:42:19.000 Women and men are different.

00:42:21.000 We used someone with the IQ of a fish to do it.

00:42:26.000 I think he got too high on Adderall and he had like a mind meltdown.

00:42:32.000 What's the next clip?

00:42:33.000 So Tony, Tony, Tracy Connors sent me this, and it's a regular feature that this guy, Hollis Miller, this chick, Hollis Miller, does.

00:42:43.000 So the reason that we see more male comedians and female comedians has nothing to do with men and women being different.

00:42:48.000 It's because of sexism. 1.00

00:42:49.000 So a super hilarious chick goes to go on stage and the owner of the club goes, no, we don't have chicks here. 1.00

00:42:56.000 It's 1945.

00:42:58.000 What do you think?

00:42:59.000 I don't want people to laugh at a comedian on stage here at my comedy club.

00:43:04.000 Again, not logical, ladies. 1.00

00:43:07.000 It's like skateboarding.

00:43:08.000 It's a very, very rare ability.

00:43:11.000 And when you can do it, you're set.

00:43:13.000 If you're a fucking blind, retard, fat chick albino, and you can do an ollie kick flip and get five feet of air on a half pipe, you're in. 1.00

00:43:22.000 You're in all the skating competitions.

00:43:23.000 You've got your van sponsorship.

00:43:26.000 It's rare.

00:43:28.000 Anyway, so this woman combs through Twitter and tries this affirmative action thing where she shows tweets. 1.00

00:43:34.000 So what you're seeing now is the funniest of female comedy Twitter.

00:43:39.000 Let's see if some of them are actually funny.

00:43:42.000 I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby.

00:43:45.000 I guess that's a song, a lyric from a popular chick song.

00:43:48.000 Me pushing 30, many of my friends have kids.

00:43:51.000 So you were singing a song that wasn't accurate to you personally.

00:43:54.000 Boring.

00:43:55.000 To live a fulfilling life, you're supposed to regularly do things that scare you.

00:43:59.000 My anxiety nailed it.

00:44:00.000 And also, there's this, like these, I had her on my show once.

00:44:00.000 That's not funny.

00:44:04.000 I had her on Free Speech, the show I did at the Comedy Club.

00:44:06.000 Remember that?

00:44:08.000 And she's like 35, has no kids, no prospects, doesn't think that's even a thing. 0.56

00:44:14.000 Her Indian parents must be going nuts. 1.00

00:44:16.000 And so she's a miserable, childless person. 0.77

00:44:19.000 Like my wife doesn't talk about her anxiety and how lonely she is and how she just had four tubs of Hagen-Daz.

00:44:25.000 She's too busy with her beautiful children. 0.96

00:44:27.000 So you're going to see a lot of anxiety, depression, listlessness, sad shit.

00:44:34.000 Like when you see Nikki Glazer talking about getting skull fucked all the time, you just think, Jesus.

00:44:39.000 And getting ass raped and you're like, you're living the life of a prostitute, lady. 1.00

00:44:43.000 Okay, what's this one?

00:44:45.000 Lately, I've been ordering stuff online just to give me a will to live for four to seven business days.

00:44:49.000 That's okay.

00:44:50.000 At least it's a joke.

00:44:52.000 Me turning my Wi-Fi off and on again.

00:44:54.000 I am a woman in STEM.

00:44:58.000 Okay, you're just doing sexist jokes now.

00:45:01.000 Wearing jeans today like a goddamn first-class passenger on the Titanic.

00:45:05.000 I love that their repertoire is always these terrible kiddie things.

00:45:09.000 Like their canon includes Harry Potter and some little girl movie like Titanic.

00:45:15.000 You can't think of a more adult aristocrat than someone on the Titanic?

00:45:23.000 I'm the only adult I know.

00:45:24.000 A lot of this like I'm a perpetual kid stuff, right?

00:45:28.000 I'm the only adult I know who drinks regular Coke and not diet or Coke zero, and I'm never going to grow up.

00:45:33.000 Why are you telling me this?

00:45:34.000 Like, if this was your best friend saying this, and he was drinking a Coke, and you're having a BLT at a diner, and she said that, you'd go, Are you going to a marks on Thursday?

00:45:47.000 And that's your best pal.

00:45:49.000 You're telling me the earthquake busted in here mere minutes after it becoming Earth Day?

00:45:54.000 An icon.

00:45:56.000 Chrissy Teigen is not funny. 0.58

00:45:59.000 And she's using drag queen talk to make her jokes. 1.00

00:46:02.000 Elizabeth Hackett, every woman's wardrobe needs black dress, white blouse, cursed necklace purchased at garage sale that allows her to move furniture just by thinking about it. 1.00

00:46:11.000 Jeans.

00:46:13.000 More Harry Potter jokes.

00:46:16.000 Ashley Nicole Black, all I need is someone to tell me that making a bunch of epaulettes and sewing them on all my clothes is a bad use of this time.

00:46:25.000 Is that a joke even?

00:46:26.000 I'm lost here.

00:46:29.000 I got so bored.

00:46:30.000 I'm going to sew epaulettes on all my clothes.

00:46:33.000 Okay.

00:46:33.000 I'm going to put a shoe in the fridge.

00:46:38.000 Husband rearranging our throw pillows.

00:46:39.000 Me from upstairs.

00:46:40.000 That's not how they go.

00:46:42.000 Husbands aren't good at organizing throw pillows. 1.00

00:46:46.000 These are making me sad.

00:46:48.000 Wait, is there really a TV show you can win $100,000 just by not having sex for a month?

00:46:53.000 I could have won over a million dollars last year.

00:46:56.000 I'm lonely.

00:46:59.000 Got a fridge full of bullshit leftovers I loathe and resent.

00:47:02.000 That's okay, that's just like a throwaway line, but I don't hate it.

00:47:08.000 It's not the end of the world.

00:47:09.000 It's not funny, but I can see myself saying something like that.

00:47:13.000 Whoa, what happened?

00:47:15.000 The only thing I'm good at.

00:47:17.000 What are you doing?

00:47:18.000 The only thing I'm good at when it comes to home improvement and adding another dog to the family.

00:47:22.000 There's an okay joke.

00:47:25.000 Are these, am I the only one getting depressed right now?

00:47:28.000 I feel really sad.

00:47:31.000 It's like Debbie Downer.

00:47:33.000 Womp, womp, womp. 0.99

00:47:35.000 I can't wait to go back to avoiding people on my own terms.

00:47:42.000 Cinderella, you were always, again, with the Harry Potter Titanic Disney tales.

00:47:47.000 Have you not read a book in your adult life?

00:47:49.000 Cinderella, you were always my fairy godmother.

00:47:52.000 Fairy godmother, yes, always.

00:47:53.000 Cinderella.

00:47:54.000 So you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing?

00:47:58.000 And then they have a silent back and forth.

00:48:00.000 And then fairy godmother says, look what I can do to this pumpkin. 1.00

00:48:05.000 That's a well-structured joke, and it's a good point.

00:48:07.000 By the way, speaking of good points, I realized the other day that the cop at the beginning of Rambo was right. 0.96

00:48:13.000 He didn't want Rambo in his town because he sensed that this guy has a potential to do a lot of damage to his town, which is what happened. 1.00

00:48:21.000 He ended up blowing up a gas station.

00:48:23.000 So I know the guy only fucks with you if you fuck with him, but I don't want some drunk teenager going home once and drawing first blood, and the next thing you know, my town blows up.

00:48:35.000 So yeah, get Rambo out of your town. 1.00

00:48:40.000 Go ahead.

00:48:43.000 Guy Fieri, stop wearing those shirts with flames on him because we made fun of him so bad.

00:48:48.000 That's a good observation.

00:48:52.000 This is from Jill.

00:48:53.000 Every recipe.

00:48:54.000 This dish is super easy to make.

00:48:55.000 A thousand spices you don't.

00:48:56.000 Two quarts.

00:48:57.000 You know what a quart is.

00:48:58.000 You never heard of this item.

00:48:59.000 Google it, bitch. 1.00

00:49:00.000 Cookware your parents don't even have.

00:49:02.000 Not that kind of flour.

00:49:03.000 Yeah, that's a good observation, and I have noticed that about recipes.

00:49:07.000 Soap.

00:49:08.000 You mean hot cracker sauce?

00:49:10.000 That's not bad.

00:49:11.000 Soup.

00:49:12.000 And then finally, I'm mad about everything and nothing all at once.

00:49:16.000 A PMS tale.

00:49:20.000 I'd like to make some of these myself and see how they're.

00:49:23.000 Women are mad at everything and nothing all at once. 1.00

00:49:25.000 Is that PMS?

00:49:26.000 Am I right, guys?

00:49:29.000 As I sit here drinking a sprite with vodka, I wonder how many $17 cocktails I've had that were just sprite with vodka.

00:49:40.000 Welcome to female comedy. 1.00

00:49:42.000 It makes you really sad.

00:49:44.000 It makes you want to cry.

00:49:46.000 Now, this final clip will show you.

00:49:49.000 Some friend of Rich Voss's, I don't know who it is, but she dressed up as a man and did a comedy set to show you.

00:49:57.000 Oh, no, this isn't the last clip.

00:49:59.000 Go to, okay, we'll show this clip.

00:50:03.000 She goes and does a comedy set dressed as a man.

00:50:07.000 So to prove that the people that aren't laughing are sexist.

00:50:12.000 And if I have a beard on, I'll do my exact same set and everyone will laugh.

00:50:17.000 You go picking pussy hairs off your tongue. 1.00

00:50:20.000 I can't help but I feel like an eat pussy before. 0.98

00:50:22.000 Is it Bonnie?

00:50:27.000 Oh, that's what he cares about so much.

00:50:30.000 Welcome, Bonnie Mac ladies and gentlemen.

00:50:35.000 Oh, Bonnie McFarlane.

00:50:36.000 I get it.

00:50:37.000 I love animals.

00:50:38.000 I would never buy any.

00:50:41.000 I would never buy any product that have been tested on animals.

00:50:46.000 Never, because I like to do that myself at home.

00:50:50.000 Make sure the control group is isolated.

00:50:53.000 You don't know what they're doing in these labs.

00:50:56.000 Very loose.

00:50:58.000 Guidelines.

00:51:00.000 This lady wants me. 1.00

00:51:02.000 I can totally tell.

00:51:04.000 I know I'm weird.

00:51:06.000 I'm a weird dude.

00:51:08.000 I used to always carry a man purse.

00:51:10.000 A merse.

00:51:11.000 You ever carry one of those?

00:51:14.000 A merse.

00:51:17.000 I loved it.

00:51:18.000 I loved that merse.

00:51:19.000 But I was losing it.

00:51:20.000 I'd lose it everywhere.

00:51:21.000 I was always leaving my mercy around.

00:51:22.000 Wait a minute.

00:51:23.000 Wait a minute.

00:51:23.000 Just pause here.

00:51:25.000 Bonnie does really good when she does stand-up.

00:51:28.000 So she's, doesn't she?

00:51:32.000 To be honest, I don't think I've really seen it much.

00:51:34.000 I've seen her bomb more often than not.

00:51:36.000 Not bomb, but just dead silence, but she has confidence as if she's doing good.

00:51:40.000 Her book's really good.

00:51:41.000 Yeah, it's really good.

00:51:46.000 But I just started carrying everything on my person, my pants.

00:51:50.000 I only lost my pants a couple of times.

00:51:54.000 So that's really working out.

00:51:56.000 All right.

00:51:56.000 Thank you very much, everyone.

00:51:57.000 Good night.

00:52:00.000 But is this fake?

00:52:01.000 I'm so dubious now because after she's crying, I don't know if that's on the clip, but she's crying, and Rich is consoling her.

00:52:09.000 And she's saying, You were the only one that was laughing, and I thought you were laughing at me.

00:52:14.000 So I can't tell if they're trying to do a parody of sexism or what, because the bare bones of that is women aren't funny. 1.00

00:52:23.000 Here, you got it?

00:52:28.000 And if your reaction going into you look like you're I mean, I was a little moved to teaching.

00:52:33.000 I hate when I can only find the commentary video and not the actual video.

00:52:38.000 I don't care if people think women are funny. 1.00

00:52:39.000 I just don't even care anymore.

00:52:41.000 I don't care what the camera's on.

00:52:44.000 That's well, if it's real, I'm right.

00:52:47.000 Female comedy makes you cry. 1.00

00:52:50.000 But if it's not real, I don't really get your joke.

00:52:52.000 Are you on my side?

00:52:58.000 This is an Indian woman doing comedy to a mostly Indian crowd. 0.96

00:53:03.000 She's one of the ugliest little balloons I've ever seen in my life.

00:53:07.000 She looks like a condom full of ice cream. 0.87

00:53:09.000 And she's here to ask you, why do we have flavored condoms?

00:53:13.000 Yeah, man.

00:53:14.000 Sweet guy.

00:53:15.000 Sweet guy.

00:53:15.000 Yeah, but he's really precious, my boyfriend.

00:53:17.000 He's really awesome.

00:53:18.000 I really like him.

00:53:19.000 But, you know, he's into really kinky things, man. 1.00

00:53:21.000 Really kinky, weird stuff.

00:53:22.000 Like the other day, he told me, I want to try flavored condoms, man.

00:53:27.000 You want to try?

00:53:28.000 You want to eat it or what?

00:53:29.000 Has anybody...

00:53:38.000 Yeah, he's definitely into weird stuff.

00:53:41.000 By the way, this was on my radar because one of the comments below it said, this is stand-up comedy.

00:53:47.000 And then Netflix, who put it up, said, if you don't want to hear see beautiful women making awesome jokes, then you can go watch our other comedy specials. 1.00

00:53:57.000 And then they killed the comments.

00:53:59.000 So now you're not allowed to comment.

00:54:01.000 The only way women can survive is if no one can criticize them. 1.00

00:54:05.000 Anybody understood the concept of favorite condoms?

00:54:08.000 Why do they exist?

00:54:09.000 I don't understand this, man.

00:54:12.000 No, but I asked my friend Sunena.

00:54:16.000 She's a sex-positive vegan condom expert.

00:54:20.000 She's a little bit dressed up as a man to make her jokes. 1.00

00:54:22.000 And Mr. Potato Head dressed up as a woman to do his jokes. 1.00

00:54:28.000 She's also a virgin.

00:54:30.000 That is fine.

00:54:35.000 I have some good news and some bad news.

00:54:37.000 The bad news is you need to lose about 100 pounds.

00:54:39.000 The good news is it's just above the neck.

00:54:42.000 So I was like, man, Sunana, man.

00:54:44.000 Sunana.

00:54:45.000 Why the fuck do flavored condoms exist, man?

00:54:48.000 Suprea.

00:54:49.000 Where was Sunana standing? 0.98

00:54:52.000 On a balcony?

00:54:54.000 Man.

00:54:55.000 Supreya.

00:54:56.000 Basically.

00:54:57.000 It's a hard edit.

00:54:58.000 She's trying to do She's trying to do a white accent, but she doesn't speak English well enough. 1.00

00:55:04.000 You wear a flavored khanda.

00:55:05.000 Like, if you're going down on somebody, it feels like you're eating a strawberry.

00:55:11.000 You know that fruit strawberry?

00:55:14.000 I know that fruit ended up becoming a video clip of ours.

00:55:17.000 You know what that fruit strawberry?

00:55:19.000 Eat that fruit?

00:55:20.000 I don't know.

00:55:20.000 I know what strawberry is.

00:55:24.000 Like, who wakes up in the morning and goes, like, mmm, a chocolate khani gamma charo blow job that applause.

00:55:36.000 Here's the other problem with female comedy. 1.00

00:55:38.000 You need logic to point out something like my Rambo observation, right? 0.99

00:55:42.000 But women tend not to be great at logic, so they don't understand stuff and then they think they have a valid philosophical question and they bring it up on stage. 1.00

00:55:50.000 But all the men in the audience are going, some people insist on condoms when they blow a guy because they're worried about getting oral herpes or something.

00:56:00.000 It's not my cup of tea.

00:56:01.000 I'd rather just not have the blowjob.

00:56:02.000 But a lot of young people and sexually promiscuous people, gays, will use condoms for everything, oral sex, even eating out a pussy. 1.00

00:56:12.000 Latex tastes kind of weird, and we cannot get rid of that taste.

00:56:16.000 We've tried having flavorless condoms, but it still tastes like latex.

00:56:21.000 So one solution that some people like is you overpower the latex taste with a fake taste like strawberries or chocolate or something.

00:56:29.000 And now you don't really have a latex taste in your mouth.

00:56:31.000 You have a taste that you're familiar with.

00:56:33.000 That's the answer to your ridiculous question, balloon face. 0.55

00:56:37.000 Who does that?

00:56:40.000 All these flavored condoms, man, they come in weird flavors.

00:56:43.000 Okay, I'll give you one more chance to be funny.

00:56:45.000 Aubergine flavor.

00:56:48.000 Tirami Thu.

00:56:51.000 I saw one recently, Adrak flavored condoms.

00:56:55.000 Did she say ginger?

00:56:57.000 Yeah.

00:56:58.000 The subtitle said ginger.

00:56:59.000 I didn't hear it.

00:56:59.000 I hear ginger.

00:57:00.000 I saw one recently, Adrak flavored condoms.

00:57:02.000 She said drug flavor. 0.54

00:57:03.000 Yeah.

00:57:04.000 She certainly did.

00:57:05.000 So not only can you not comment, but the closed captions guy is helping her out.

00:57:15.000 Oh, I know.

00:57:16.000 Ginger in Urdu is probably dogi or something.

00:57:20.000 And now she's talking.

00:57:21.000 She's doing the George Lopez thing where he speaks Mexican and everyone laughs because it's an inside joke.

00:57:30.000 Wait, that's the same joke you already made.

00:57:35.000 That's Urdu, right?

00:57:37.000 I don't know if it's Punjabi, Urdu.

00:57:40.000 They're a very tribal people.

00:57:41.000 There's 9 million stupid languages over in that disgusting oven ship. 1.00

00:57:46.000 Dung pile of a country.

00:57:51.000 And all these flavored condoms, okay, they come with this tagline.

00:57:55.000 100% authentic taste.

00:57:59.000 Who is tasting these for authenticity, man?

00:58:02.000 Who?

00:58:03.000 All right, I've had enough.

00:58:04.000 Who is?

00:58:04.000 I'm going to end up slitting my wrist if we keep examining female comedy.

00:58:08.000 And of course, there are funny women. 1.00

00:58:11.000 I often say women can't write, but in my top 10 writers, about five of them are women.

00:58:17.000 Do you understand?

00:58:17.000 Anecdotal evidence?

00:58:19.000 So we're noticing a general pattern here.

00:58:21.000 And political correctness is the blind determination to not notice patterns.

00:58:27.000 And it's ridiculous because all we do As humans is walk around noticing patterns.

00:58:33.000 Fuck.

00:58:47.000 By the way, those last two videos: the Bonnie McFarlane, possibly crying, which is sort of re-going viral right now, even though it's from 2006, and that weird little balloon Indian.

00:59:06.000 Those were both sent by a viewer named Tanner.

00:59:10.000 By the way, did you know this?

00:59:12.000 I said that we had to work hard to build this pirate ship and have several layers, but one thing I didn't add is that we're constantly having to improve it because we're constantly getting attacked.

00:59:23.000 Having to change the name from free speech to censored is nothing.

00:59:27.000 We're getting these crazy hack things, DDoS attacks and malware.

00:59:33.000 And then the hackers are sort of scarring our URL.

00:59:38.000 So providers say, no, that's dangerous.

00:59:40.000 It has a scar on it.

00:59:42.000 So in Britain, Sky News has prevented us from being broadcast.

00:59:47.000 So subscribers are not, their video player isn't working in some places in Britain.

00:59:52.000 Same with New Zealand.

00:59:53.000 They've successfully done this.

00:59:55.000 So people who are paying for a service cannot have it.

00:59:59.000 Why?

00:59:59.000 Because it's not, there's Cornell West and Candace Owens on the front page.

01:00:03.000 I know, but you say some other things.

01:00:05.000 You said women aren't funny. 1.00

01:00:07.000 So people may not hear your thoughts.

01:00:09.000 How fucking mental is that?

01:00:11.000 Come on, man, Mikey.

01:00:14.000 And that's not all.

01:00:15.000 We were advertising on Drudge, and Google prevented the ad from playing.

01:00:20.000 So Drudge has to work on a workaround.

01:00:22.000 Our mailouts, we were paying for mailouts to advertise, and Google was putting them straight into people's spam, treating them like spam.

01:00:31.000 So we can't, this is, we're at Soviet levels of thought control, where you can't see things you pay for. 0.62

01:00:39.000 You can't see videos.

01:00:40.000 You can't talk to people.

01:00:41.000 You can't email.

01:00:43.000 Fucking Roger Stone can't hang out with his friend of 16 years, Michael Caputo.

01:00:48.000 Banned verboten.

01:00:51.000 I think it's more than 16 years, actually.

01:00:55.000 We should have Caputo on the show again.

01:00:59.000 And again, like I was saying to Anthony Kumia yesterday, I'll try to get the interview from them, but in Soviet Russia, you would be punished severely for wrongthink, and you'd have to go to a re-education camp.

01:01:15.000 But after that, you were cleansed.

01:01:17.000 You were redeemed.

01:01:19.000 This isn't the way here.

01:01:20.000 Once you're Laura Loomer, you're persona non grata.

01:01:25.000 And it's amazing how much time we have to, like I always say, it's good to fight.

01:01:29.000 You got to fight.

01:01:29.000 But it's amazing how much time we spend fighting.

01:01:32.000 Did you know that James O'Keefe, a third of his budget is legal stuff?

01:01:39.000 That's the room, by the way, where Johnny was scared of the floor.

01:01:42.000 Don't advertise our competition running.

01:01:47.000 Did you know that a third of his budget, and his budget's big, let's say it's probably something like 10 million, 3.3 million would go to fighting frivolous lawsuits.

01:01:59.000 And a third of his time is depositions.

01:02:03.000 So he'll be sitting there with some bullshit lawsuit from some liberal, probably funded by globalists, where he has to answer questions for 12 hours.

01:02:13.000 And he's won every case.

01:02:16.000 He's refused to settle because they're all frivolous.

01:02:18.000 They're all meant to break him.

01:02:20.000 And he settled once at the very beginning of his career.

01:02:22.000 I think it was the Acorn thing.

01:02:23.000 And he regretted it immediately.

01:02:25.000 But it was like, spend a million dollars I don't have or pay them the $15,000, $20,000 to fuck off.

01:02:31.000 But since then, he's got much more money.

01:02:33.000 And he says, no, I'm not settling.

01:02:35.000 I don't care if it's for five bucks.

01:02:37.000 Fuck you.

01:02:38.000 War.

01:02:42.000 The End I just made a great video about the SPLC that we'll put up after we add all the pics.

01:02:51.000 But I'll give away the scoop.

01:02:52.000 Oh, I've already given away the scoop on the show.

01:02:55.000 The SPLC got their name from Martin Luther King's SCLC.

01:03:01.000 And they made sure Charles Abernathy was on the papers because Martin Luther King's SCLC was run by a guy named Ralph Abernathy.

01:03:10.000 So from day one, they were immoral and were using their name as a bait and switch to get some of MLK's money.

01:03:18.000 What?

01:03:23.000 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. 0.84

01:03:26.000 I was going to talk about some other stuff, but I'd like to get to the mail.

01:03:29.000 I enjoy it, although yesterday sucked.

01:03:31.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:03:37.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.

01:03:42.000 Let me touch it.

01:03:44.000 Why are people sending...

01:03:50.000 People are sending shit to like my personal email and stuff.

01:03:52.000 It has to go to mailbag at censored.tv.

01:03:56.000 Okay?

01:03:57.000 Or it gets lost.

01:04:01.000 Okay, this is going to be tough.

01:04:04.000 Think of the Beatles.

01:04:06.000 Think Sing Songy.

01:04:08.000 Hi, boys.

01:04:08.000 Greetings from Liverpool.

01:04:10.000 No, that's Irish.

01:04:11.000 Gavin, I was watching an old...

01:04:15.000 Don't.

01:04:16.000 I was watching an old episode yesterday.

01:04:18.000 I can't do Liverpool.

01:04:19.000 I'm sorry.

01:04:20.000 I apologize.

01:04:21.000 And I hang out with a fucking scouser on a regular basis.

01:04:24.000 My daughter's best friend's dad's a scouser.

01:04:26.000 And I can't do that accent.

01:04:28.000 So every time he talks, too, I'll say, dude, you got to take it easy on those Ds.

01:04:32.000 You're going to murder someone.

01:04:33.000 He's like, same way Lady Sauce says, fuck you.

01:04:37.000 That's all his D's.

01:04:39.000 Are you going to go out to him?

01:04:42.000 Breakfast.

01:04:43.000 How would you say?

01:04:47.000 So how would he say karachi?

01:04:49.000 How do you say karachi?

01:04:50.000 Karachi.

01:04:52.000 That was a great video, Ryan.

01:04:54.000 Thanks.

01:04:54.000 I've seen it before.

01:04:55.000 I know exactly what it is.

01:04:57.000 Greetings from Liverpool.

01:04:57.000 Gavin, I was watching an old episode yesterday, and in it, you said that you had not kissed, made out with your wife in years, and that once you are married in a few years, the whole kissing thing, holding hands, goes away.

01:05:06.000 Is this really true?

01:05:08.000 Yes.

01:05:10.000 my wife, and I used to hold hands all the time.

01:05:12.000 I didn't like it.

01:05:12.000 So I would do a thing with my thumb where I would sort of like release her hand.

01:05:16.000 But now, and snuggling too.

01:05:19.000 Like if I go over and snuggle my wife, it'd be like I snuggled Ryan.

01:05:22.000 Like she'd just go, why are you preventing me from sleeping?

01:05:25.000 Now, I think it might be that Indians are bitches and cunts. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Bad.

01:05:29.000 Because we killed all the nice ones.

01:05:31.000 So maybe I just have a particularly cold wife. 1.00

01:05:35.000 But now, if I've tried to make out with her a few times, and she goes, your mustache is itchy.

01:05:41.000 Stop.

01:05:42.000 Just leave.

01:05:43.000 Just go somewhere else.

01:05:44.000 I'll probably get her if I got her wasted. 1.00

01:05:46.000 Anyway, I'm a recently married wife and hate the thought of all that stuff going away from a female's perspective. 0.91

01:05:51.000 If the only time your hubby shows you physical affection is when sex is involved, you start to feel like a bit of a cum dumpster.

01:05:56.000 Yeah, you still hug.

01:05:57.000 Sometimes I'll just grab my wife and hug her like in the kitchen and stuff.

01:06:01.000 That happens.

01:06:02.000 And the sex isn't like raunchy sex.

01:06:06.000 That's affectionate too.

01:06:07.000 You know, it's not just like, yeah.

01:06:10.000 In fact, the sex gets more, less like ball gag stuff and more like a hug.

01:06:16.000 I said, well, you ain't that straight.

01:06:20.000 Please don't tell me this is what I have to look forward to.

01:06:22.000 Trust me, it's awesome.

01:06:24.000 Fun scientific fact.

01:06:25.000 Apparently part of the reason why we kiss is so the male can pass off testosterone to the female in order to raise her libido closer to male's libido. 1.00

01:06:30.000 I remember reading that, yeah.

01:06:31.000 So if you want more Nookie Gavin, kiss your wife more. 1.00

01:06:34.000 I'll just get her drunk, thanks. 1.00

01:06:36.000 Also, unrelated, I know you're a fan of some British comedy sketch shows.

01:06:39.000 Have you seen this before?

01:06:41.000 I reckon it's up your street.

01:06:44.000 Well, here in America, we say, Allie.

01:06:48.000 Congratulations.

01:06:50.000 You've done it.

01:06:51.000 You've got married.

01:06:52.000 Good luck with those breasts. 1.00

01:06:56.000 You know a funny thing to say at a wedding?

01:06:59.000 You say, boy, way do you guys trise sex?

01:07:02.000 You're gonna love it.

01:07:04.000 I've said that joke at 100% of the weddings I've been to.

01:07:09.000 Turn it up.

01:07:13.000 Well, the baby comes out of an opening near the woman's bottom. 0.98

01:07:17.000 This marks the end of the pregnancy cycle, a period of nine weeks, during which time the woman is referred to as pregnant Nancy.

01:07:26.000 That's okay.

01:07:27.000 What's the other one?

01:07:28.000 Combination of advert sketches?

01:07:31.000 Primitive.

01:07:35.000 When I wrote my novels all those years ago, I never thought they could be improved upon.

01:07:40.000 Well, how wrong I was.

01:07:42.000 Now, they've got even tastier.

01:07:45.000 It's the jammy goodness in New Dickens' Free Corners that makes them better read than ever.

01:07:49.000 Have my cup of tea.

01:07:52.000 Hey, G-Dog and Retard. 1.00

01:07:54.000 Firstly, I know you guys are big fans of Sam Hyde.

01:07:56.000 I don't know if you saw any of his Adult Swim show before the cucks who run Adult Swim put the kibosh on Sam and his brilliant satire of modern culture.

01:08:02.000 Let's just be clear.

01:08:05.000 Who was involved?

01:08:06.000 Tim Heidecker of Tim and Eric fame pushed for Sam Hyde to have his show canceled.

01:08:13.000 He recommended that his fans contact advertisers, contact Adult Swim, put the pressure on.

01:08:19.000 The guy who wrote that article, it's got a very Jewish name at BuzzFeed that said, I called it Adult Swim's alt-right show.

01:08:27.000 He also was a big part of it.

01:08:31.000 And the bald guy from Eagle Heart, who now is in a very successful show, you know who I'm talking about?

01:08:39.000 What's his name?

01:08:40.000 Brett Brett Geltman or something.

01:08:42.000 Brett Gelman?

01:08:42.000 Gelman, yeah.

01:08:44.000 He's the third shitstain.

01:08:46.000 And what happened with Brett Gelman is he's got this little black wife who's bald and sort of like de Blasio, de Blasio's wife.

01:08:56.000 So they said to him, hey, Brett, you're really funny.

01:08:58.000 Can you bring us some more shows, some writers?

01:09:01.000 And he'd go, how about my ugly wife? 1.00

01:09:04.000 And they go, she's a stylist. 0.99

01:09:06.000 She's going to make it.

01:09:09.000 No, anything else?

01:09:11.000 Hold on.

01:09:11.000 Give me some time.

01:09:12.000 Hey, I know.

01:09:13.000 How about my wife? 0.55

01:09:14.000 Like, will you stop with the wife? 0.94

01:09:16.000 Okay, give me some time.

01:09:18.000 Oh, I got an idea.

01:09:19.000 What about my wife?

01:09:19.000 Eventually they said, just fuck off.

01:09:22.000 And so that's not a good story, right?

01:09:24.000 Just like CNN, they have to double down.

01:09:26.000 So he changed the story to, yeah, I had to leave because there's so much alt-right stuff going on at that network.

01:09:34.000 Sam Hyde and lots of Nazi shit, and I'm really against racism.

01:09:38.000 So they didn't fire me.

01:09:39.000 I quit.

01:09:43.000 In other words, comedians are fucking pussies. 0.97

01:09:47.000 Most of the people in modern comedy right now are just fucking weak, weak human beings.

01:09:55.000 Boopa doopa-doo. 0.99

01:09:57.000 Joe Bernstein.

01:09:58.000 Joe Bernstein.

01:10:00.000 Total piece of shit.

01:10:02.000 Like, he's just a saboteur.

01:10:04.000 He creates nothing.

01:10:05.000 All he does is destroy things.

01:10:06.000 He's like that little gremlin on the wing.

01:10:10.000 Kill a straight man on your way to work.

01:10:12.000 But if you haven't, I have two amazing clips for you.

01:10:14.000 I believe the first clip has some of your favorite things.

01:10:16.000 Disabled people, cringe, little shoes, hot chicks, and quotes for days. 1.00

01:10:20.000 The second is just a great parody of dating shows and how coddled and stupid women are these days. 1.00

01:10:25.000 Please, God, add a sound clip to the soundboard from one of these two clips.

01:10:29.000 Bucci.

01:10:30.000 Knee deep in some gash.

01:10:31.000 I don't care how small you are.

01:10:33.000 These are just two extra dicks right here. 1.00

01:10:34.000 We're here at the Black People Mall.

01:10:38.000 Yes, I remember this skip.

01:10:41.000 Bucci.

01:10:43.000 Hi, Robbie.

01:10:44.000 Check it out.

01:10:45.000 This right here is my boyfriend, Nitro Dubbs.

01:10:48.000 AKA?

01:10:50.000 Mr. Shit King shit pussy. 1.00

01:10:52.000 Yo, he's my boyfriend, my number one buddy.

01:10:55.000 Nitro Dubbs is about to swag you out.

01:10:57.000 Major League swag out.

01:10:59.000 Major League Swag Out.

01:11:00.000 Major League Swag Out.

01:11:01.000 Hi, Robbie.

01:11:02.000 I want you to look at yourself in the mirror right now, because this is the last time you're going to be looking this gay in your whole life. 0.99

01:11:10.000 Pretty good.

01:11:10.000 But I invented doing comedy sketches with handicapped people.

01:11:14.000 So Sam was just learning from the best in that one.

01:11:18.000 I'm not saying he stole from me, but I brought him, I led him to that art conceit.

01:11:24.000 Look up me curing multiple sclerosis.

01:11:26.000 MS. And it was actually based on the fact that he...

01:11:38.000 Did you spell multiple sclerosis correctly?

01:11:41.000 Is it gone?

01:11:45.000 Do some research off YouTube.

01:11:47.000 Maybe it was banned from the internet because Vans paid for it and then I became a pariah and Vans didn't want to be associated with it.

01:11:54.000 But anyway, he has bad multiple sclerosis.

01:11:58.000 It was suicidal for Rocks in so much pain and he's crippled.

01:12:01.000 And his parents would take him to all these new age things with sage and all this magical fucking bullshit, hippie shit.

01:12:13.000 And I thought it'd be funny if some guy was trying to teach him it's all about a positive attitude, PMA.

01:12:19.000 And then he would be able to walk.

01:12:22.000 And then when he can't walk, the guy gets mad.

01:12:23.000 And that was the joke.

01:12:25.000 What's the next clip since that clip's been erased?

01:12:27.000 You know what's unfortunate, too?

01:12:29.000 Is that there's this guy, Gavin something, Professor Gavin something, and he treats multiple sclerosis.

01:12:35.000 So that's dominating the search.

01:12:37.000 Damn it.

01:12:39.000 Okay, let's see the other clip.

01:12:41.000 Other clip coming up.

01:12:48.000 Hi, my name's Steve.

01:12:49.000 I'm 33 years old.

01:12:50.000 I'm a lawyer, so I have my JD.

01:12:53.000 And I hope some of the contestants enjoy swimming and jet skiing as I own my own lake house.

01:13:00.000 I'm a rap artist.

01:13:01.000 I got a hot new single right now.

01:13:03.000 I'm about to blow up right now.

01:13:05.000 Man, I got a nice body.

01:13:07.000 I get to the gym.

01:13:08.000 And by the way, my name is.

01:13:09.000 It's kind of stupid to be sitting here watching shows all show.

01:13:12.000 We've seen it.

01:13:13.000 We've seen it all.

01:13:14.000 Well, we're very familiar with Sam Hyde.

01:13:15.000 Thank you for recommending him to us.

01:13:17.000 Would you also like us to check out the sex pistols and other things we're already very familiar with?

01:13:22.000 I would like to give Ryan, this is the same guy, I'd like to give Ryan a quarantine homework assignment.

01:13:27.000 Have him read a book and give a green screen segment similar to the ones you do.

01:13:32.000 I believe that would be good watch-ins.

01:13:34.000 Okay, Ryan, why don't you just finish that book, The Joke's On You?

01:13:38.000 The Joke is Over.

01:13:39.000 Yeah.

01:13:40.000 I almost picked it up the other day, but I'm going to actually pick it up.

01:13:44.000 I gave Ryan a book to read, The Joke is Over by Ralph Stebman.

01:13:47.000 It's a great book.

01:13:48.000 It's really good.

01:13:48.000 I recommend it for everyone.

01:13:49.000 And he's not really a writer.

01:13:51.000 Sometimes people who don't write are the best writers.

01:13:54.000 And he's been reading it for, I'd say, two years now?

01:13:58.000 No.

01:13:59.000 Not that long.

01:14:00.000 Yeah.

01:14:01.000 That long.

01:14:05.000 I want to fuck you with my heels on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

01:14:10.000 Oh, this is fun.

01:14:12.000 This is from a guy named Brock.

01:14:16.000 You're skipping, right?

01:14:17.000 Well, I'm going back to the top.

01:14:18.000 This just came in.

01:14:20.000 This is what Tara Reed has said, what happened.

01:14:23.000 And it's minute 1444.

01:14:26.000 Katie Helper Show.

01:14:27.000 Please rate and review the Katie Helper Show on iTunes.

01:14:29.000 And if you like the show.

01:14:31.000 Privileged internships.

01:14:33.000 He was helping that kind of stuff was happening to these really privileged interns.

01:14:39.000 So it was that kind of stuff was happening.

01:14:41.000 So there was like regular work challenges happening, right?

01:14:44.000 So how much interacting did you have with Biden?

01:14:48.000 I would, well, it's because I was there.

01:14:50.000 I would see him on and off quite a bit, but wouldn't necessarily talk with him.

01:14:56.000 He was always breezing out, breezing in with his people that would stay around him, usually the upper level staff.

01:15:02.000 And they usually kind of kept right with him.

01:15:05.000 So, but once in a while, I would see him and he would just do that thing that guys do, you know, when they look you up and down and then smile and stuff.

01:15:15.000 It just was obnoxious.

01:15:16.000 I mean, I, and back then, I just accepted it for what it was.

01:15:20.000 When I talked about this discomfort that I had, I was really timid about it.

01:15:24.000 I found myself getting more and more like withdrawn and timid about speaking out because of the atmosphere and because I was so closed down about hearing about it.

01:15:36.000 She would just be like, you know, one of the things she said to me was, you know, the senator likes you.

01:15:40.000 You know, most women would really like that attention. 1.00

01:15:44.000 She goes, you know, I don't understand your attitude.

01:15:46.000 Like, what is the problem?

01:15:48.000 So it was, it was.

01:15:50.000 It was just an ogle?

01:15:51.000 You know, I definitely felt started feeling like I just didn't really belong there.

01:15:59.000 It definitely wasn't a progressive office.

01:16:01.000 Yeah.

01:16:02.000 It was definitely not like that.

01:16:03.000 You swept down and did a like now.

01:16:07.000 You mean like Lenny and Squiggy do?

01:16:10.000 Then the incident when I talked about the discomfort, like I said, I was told to just do what I was told.

01:16:17.000 And then it wasn't too long after that that called me in and said, I want you to take this to Joe.

01:16:25.000 He wants it.

01:16:26.000 I want you to bring it.

01:16:27.000 Hurry.

01:16:28.000 And I said, okay.

01:16:29.000 And it was a gym bag.

01:16:30.000 She said, you know, take the gym bag.

01:16:31.000 She called it athletic bag.

01:16:33.000 And, you know, she said he was down towards the Capitol.

01:16:36.000 He'll meet you.

01:16:37.000 And so I went down and I was heading down towards there.

01:16:40.000 She went down.

01:16:41.000 And he was at first talking to someone.

01:16:43.000 I could see him at a different distance.

01:16:44.000 And then they went away.

01:16:46.000 And then we were in like the side.

01:16:50.000 It was like the side area.

01:16:52.000 And he was, he just said, hey, come here, Tara.

01:16:57.000 And then I handed him the thing and he greeted me.

01:17:01.000 He remembered my name.

01:17:03.000 And then we were alone.

01:17:06.000 And it was the strangest thing.

01:17:08.000 There was no like exchange, really.

01:17:11.000 He just had me up against the wall.

01:17:15.000 And I was wearing like a skirt and, you know, business skirt, but I wasn't wearing stockings.

01:17:22.000 It was kind of a hot day, that day, and I was wearing heels.

01:17:26.000 And I remember my legs had been hurting from the marble, you know, of the Capitol, like walking.

01:17:32.000 And so I remember that kind of stuff.

01:17:33.000 I remember like that.

01:17:35.000 And it was kind of an unusually warm day.

01:17:37.000 And I remember I was wearing a blouse and he just had me up against the wall and the wall was cold.

01:17:43.000 And I remember he, it happened all at once.

01:17:46.000 The gym bag, I don't know where it went.

01:17:48.000 I handed it to him, was gone.

01:17:49.000 And then his hands were on me and underneath my clothes.

01:17:53.000 And yeah, and then he grabbed her by the pussy. 1.00

01:17:59.000 He went down my skirt, but then up inside it.

01:18:02.000 And he penetrated me with his fingers, whatever.

01:18:08.000 And he was kissing me at the same time, and he was saying something to me.

01:18:15.000 He said several things, and I can't remember everything he said.

01:18:18.000 I remember a couple of things.

01:18:20.000 I remember him saying first before, like as he was doing it, do you want to go somewhere else?

01:18:25.000 And then him saying to me, when I pulled away, he got finished doing what he was doing, and I kind of was pulled back.

01:18:35.000 And he said, he said, come on, man, I heard you liked me.

01:18:40.000 And it's that phrase stayed with me because I kept thinking what I might have said.

01:18:47.000 And I can't remember exactly if he said I thought or if I heard, but it's like he implied like he, like, that I had done this.

01:18:54.000 Like, pretty bad.

01:18:56.000 And from there, like rape goes penis in vagina. 1.00

01:19:00.000 But right below that is finger in the vagina. 1.00

01:19:02.000 In that moment, because I knew like he's one away from the worst.

01:19:05.000 You were alone.

01:19:05.000 It was over, right?

01:19:06.000 He wasn't trying to do anything more, but it's, I looked up to him.

01:19:12.000 He was like my father's age.

01:19:14.000 He was this champion of women's rights in my eyes.

01:19:18.000 And I couldn't believe it was happening.

01:19:21.000 It seems surreal.

01:19:23.000 And I just did she say stop.

01:19:27.000 Not victim blaming.

01:19:28.000 I'm just asking.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:19:32.000 There's no time in between I'm against the wall for the in the pants.

01:19:37.000 Huh.

01:19:37.000 Right.

01:19:38.000 Maybe he didn't even know that it was bad.

01:19:40.000 Maybe he thought that was hot.

01:19:42.000 Maybe he's just really quick.

01:19:44.000 Yeah.

01:19:45.000 Yeah.

01:19:45.000 Like if you try to put your hand down my pants and start groping, I'm going to go, what are you doing?

01:19:50.000 I'm not going to go...

01:19:52.000 As you sit there, like, massaging my scrotum.

01:20:01.000 I thought you liked me.

01:20:04.000 Don't.

01:20:06.000 And they attached this video.

01:20:08.000 Ah, okay.

01:20:10.000 All right.

01:20:10.000 Let's do a couple more.

01:20:11.000 How are we going for time?

01:20:13.000 Ooh, geez, we're late.

01:20:17.000 All right, this is going to be a long one.

01:20:20.000 Dear Gavin, Ry Guy, I'm 23, and the girl in question is 25.

01:20:23.000 We dated for a bit early last year, but things faded out with our work schedule was clashing.

01:20:28.000 Things, and he has two spaces after, period.

01:20:32.000 Don't do that.

01:20:33.000 It makes you look like an amateur.

01:20:35.000 Things almost started back up again in the fall, but didn't.

01:20:37.000 In January of this year, I asked her to go to a hockey game with me, but I didn't even get a response.

01:20:42.000 I figured, okay, that's fine.

01:20:43.000 She's not interested, move on.

01:20:44.000 In April, I reached out to her since she's a nurse.

01:20:47.000 I want to see what she's doing with all this BS going on.

01:20:48.000 She was on my mind.

01:20:49.000 Well, she's definitely showing more interest again, and I've been thinking about taking her out and then telling her I'd like to get serious with her.

01:20:57.000 No, dude.

01:20:58.000 What did I tell you from the hitman I met in Montreal?

01:21:03.000 Everything is okay.

01:21:04.000 No problem.

01:21:05.000 You want to go to party?

01:21:06.000 I go to party.

01:21:08.000 And you never complain.

01:21:10.000 If she does stand you up, oh well.

01:21:12.000 And you just keep doing that until that time she looks at you and she says, I love you.

01:21:17.000 And then you bend her over and you fuck her in the ass for all the bullshit she put you through. 0.99

01:21:22.000 That guy ended up going to prison for double homicide.

01:21:30.000 We get along very well and always have fun together.

01:21:32.000 She's also Christian, not a feminist.

01:21:33.000 My only hang-ups are that she's starting to gain weight at an alarming rate.

01:21:37.000 She's very attractive, but if she keeps gaining, she will not be. 0.99

01:21:42.000 And also, I could see issues down the road with her quitting her job as a nurse to be a stay-at-home mom. 0.92

01:21:47.000 Don't worry about that.

01:21:48.000 Once they hold the baby in their hand, work just goes poof out the window.

01:21:53.000 Sometimes they say, like my wife says, she used to work at the American Indian Museum and she's going to go back there soon.

01:21:59.000 And I'm like, well, okay, okay, let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

01:22:07.000 I have no trouble with girls. 0.91

01:22:09.000 I would say I'm an eight and I also stay in shape.

01:22:11.000 I don't want to be vain because this girl and I do match well, but I don't want to be with a fucking walrus, especially as my value continues to go up since I recently graduated as a mechanical engineer and already have a good job. 0.98

01:22:20.000 I dated plenty of other girls in between and we haven't been talking, but none have compared.

01:22:26.000 Should I keep playing the field and forget about this one or do I pursue because she always ends up back on my mind?

01:22:31.000 Let me ride on your ding-dong. 0.98

01:22:33.000 But I'm talking to you here on a human level.

01:22:39.000 Dump the bitch. 1.00

01:22:41.000 If weight is already a problem and you're a little kid, she's going to be a fucking cow. 1.00

01:22:48.000 Women put on a lot of weight after they have kids. 1.00

01:22:50.000 And that should be way down the line.

01:22:53.000 If you're already having weight issues right now, dump the bitch. 1.00

01:22:56.000 She's going to be a fucking whale. 1.00

01:22:58.000 I am done.

01:22:59.000 You're gone.

01:23:00.000 I'm done.

01:23:01.000 This is from Vanessa.

01:23:03.000 Hey, guys, love watching you Monday through Thursday.

01:23:05.000 Rape me.

01:23:07.000 Raped with a T, by the way. 0.96

01:23:09.000 We get very few letters with women asking us to rape them. 1.00

01:23:14.000 I would say we're at zero.

01:23:16.000 What would you say, Ryan?

01:23:19.000 I've seen zero of those.

01:23:20.000 Zero rapes.

01:23:22.000 Going strong at zero.

01:23:23.000 I don't think women like being raped. 1.00

01:23:25.000 No.

01:23:26.000 I got to admit, I'm pretty shocked by that call.

01:23:29.000 Like that, grab them by the pussy, they let you. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Wait a minute.

01:23:33.000 Didn't she let him?

01:23:35.000 Yes.

01:23:36.000 She literally walked right up. 0.99

01:23:37.000 Oh, but the fact that he literally grabbed her by the pussy, that's They're not sending their best.

01:23:45.000 Okay, what do you think, Rye guy?

01:23:47.000 There's her, and there's her there. 0.98

01:23:50.000 Very solid.

01:23:52.000 Nice nose.

01:23:53.000 There's her there.

01:23:54.000 This is my type, too.

01:23:57.000 Very cute.

01:23:59.000 Like her little boots.

01:24:00.000 Oh, where do you go?

01:24:01.000 Where are the boots?

01:24:03.000 That's the skirt. 1.00

01:24:05.000 Oh, yeah, the boots.

01:24:06.000 You're zooming in too close for a change?

01:24:12.000 What do you think?

01:24:13.000 What do you think?

01:24:14.000 She'd be good for you because she wouldn't tower over you. 1.00

01:24:18.000 Well, she could be sneakily tall. 0.99

01:24:22.000 You don't know.

01:24:23.000 No, I know that she's five three. 1.00

01:24:28.000 Damn.

01:24:29.000 Yep.

01:24:33.000 Okay, the only way to do these is to just sort of.

01:24:36.000 A drummer once told me the way you'd be a good drummer is you don't think about it too much, but you don't not think about it at all.

01:24:42.000 You have to find an area in between those where you're not really thinking, but you're sort of thinking.

01:24:47.000 That's the way you rate chicks. 1.00

01:24:48.000 You just sort of.

01:24:51.000 I see some, it's almost like those guys who can talk to dead people.

01:24:54.000 It's like, I'm seeing an R, I'm seeing an R. Does someone here have an R in their family?

01:24:58.000 I'm seeing sevens floating around. 1.00

01:25:01.000 Eights are foggy.

01:25:02.000 I'm having trouble focusing on an eight.

01:25:05.000 I'm seeing the sevens get higher and higher.

01:25:09.000 I'm seeing like a high sevens.

01:25:11.000 I'm seeing like a 7.82.

01:25:16.000 7.82.

01:25:18.000 So not very far from an eight at all.

01:25:21.000 Maybe you grow your hair longer or something.

01:25:23.000 Wear heels.

01:25:25.000 And she has no makeup in any of these.

01:25:26.000 So we're really seeing her in a bare bones kind of a way, right?

01:25:31.000 What do you think, Ryan?

01:25:32.000 I felt ugly.

01:25:33.000 I felt gay.

01:25:36.000 What did you give her?

01:25:38.000 You were not listening?

01:25:40.000 What were you doing?

01:25:41.000 Are you not on the show?

01:25:47.000 I gotta look up stuff.

01:25:48.000 I gotta find a good clip.

01:25:51.000 7.82.

01:25:53.000 That's fair.

01:25:54.000 That's a fair tip.

01:25:57.000 You should come out with the ultimate rating guide, where it's just one through.

01:26:02.000 Have you done that?

01:26:04.000 Like, here's a definitive one.

01:26:05.000 Here's a definitive two.

01:26:06.000 Here's a definitive three.

01:26:07.000 Yeah, we should put that together.

01:26:07.000 I've seen other people do that.

01:26:10.000 I'm not familiar with it.

01:26:11.000 Let me see.

01:26:11.000 You know what would be cool?

01:26:13.000 I might start spending money because this thing has been profitable.

01:26:18.000 And the reason we're in such a shitty tiny studio is because I wanted to minimize cost and see if we have a nest egg.

01:26:24.000 And I also wanted to save money to spend on Cornell West and getting liberals into the studio, which is just not cost effective.

01:26:31.000 But anyway, maybe we'll get like a web guy that does stuff.

01:26:35.000 Because wouldn't it be cool if you had this interactive bar?

01:26:40.000 So it goes one to 10, right?

01:26:42.000 But as you scroll over it, like with seven, it expands almost like your editing software there, Premiere, where you can zoom in on a sequence.

01:26:52.000 So seven, you'll just see one chick. 0.99

01:26:54.000 So it's just 10 heads.

01:26:55.000 But as you zoom on to the line, you see 7.1, 7.2, and it ends up, there's like 100 chicks on this thing, depending on how you zoom.

01:27:07.000 Wouldn't that be fun?

01:27:09.000 That is kind of cool.

01:27:10.000 There was a really cool site in the early aughts called hotternot.com.

01:27:14.000 I remember that.

01:27:14.000 And you just put a face there and it would say, you are a 7.2.

01:27:19.000 And you couldn't say, fuck that.

01:27:20.000 That's bullshit.

01:27:22.000 I am not.

01:27:22.000 Because it would say, 640,000 people made this rating.

01:27:26.000 You're like, wow, that's an entire city.

01:27:30.000 Just called me a 7.2.

01:27:32.000 But I did notice that Asians did abnormally bad. 1.00

01:27:38.000 Blondes got an unfair rating in the reverse. 1.00

01:27:43.000 And any shot with cleavage did too well. 1.00

01:27:49.000 I didn't understand why guys would go on that fucking site.

01:27:51.000 What are you doing, dude?

01:27:53.000 You want girls to rate you? 1.00

01:27:56.000 That's so fucking gay. 1.00

01:27:59.000 Why are you gay? 0.99

01:28:01.000 All right, let's get to the final videos.

01:28:04.000 You'll remember when we were discussing the difference between men and women, I talked about a woman hitting a cop.

01:28:10.000 Like she's just going to get away with that? 0.96

01:28:14.000 This isn't really a woman thinking she's tough because a man shouldn't hit a cop either. 0.97

01:28:18.000 But like, what the fuck goes through modern women's minds? 1.00

01:28:23.000 I have a theory actually, let me just, I think that two things happen to menopausal women. 0.99

01:28:33.000 Their testosterone goes down to zero and they just don't want to fuck anymore. 1.00

01:28:38.000 And two, their dad dies and they get, let's say if they're middle class, half a mil or more, right?

01:28:46.000 So now they don't need their man and now they're lying under this man who's like, oh, oh.

01:28:50.000 And they're like, why am I letting this pig fuck me? 1.00

01:28:53.000 I don't need him.

01:28:54.000 I have plenty of money.

01:28:55.000 And if we got divorced, he'd have to give me half his money anyway.

01:28:58.000 So fuck this guy.

01:28:59.000 And they develop this disdain.

01:29:02.000 I was reading on a local message board about these middle-aged women bitching and moaning. 1.00

01:29:07.000 And they focus really on middle-aged men.

01:29:10.000 And they say, I see them when they're out of shape and they're on the jogging trails.

01:29:13.000 And she used the word expectorating, like, and they're exhausted.

01:29:18.000 And it sounded like a bona fide racist talking about black people.

01:29:22.000 Like there was real, it was dripping with vitriol.

01:29:25.000 And I was sort of reading it going, Jesus, lady, we're not that bad.

01:29:28.000 Fuck.

01:29:30.000 Anyway, this is a good example of that sort of deep-seated hatred.

01:29:33.000 Gene, I got you, baby.

01:29:39.000 I don't know if you did.

01:29:41.000 Oh, you did?

01:29:42.000 He didn't like your comments.

01:29:44.000 You don't push me.

01:29:46.000 Imagine the balls you have to have to put.

01:29:54.000 Punch a pop in the head?

01:29:57.000 I saw a video of this too, where a woman was being taken out of a sports stadium, and it's this gigantic black security guy, and she just fucking whacks him in the head as he's taking her outside.

01:30:10.000 So he punches her lights out.

01:30:13.000 But yeah, and remember that other video where there was that woman filming it? 1.00

01:30:18.000 Or was she?

01:30:18.000 No, she wasn't filming it.

01:30:19.000 She was just sitting like this, and she was telling both the security guard and the woman who was caught shoplifting how to behave.

01:30:26.000 Don't bite him.

01:30:27.000 Don't you dare bite him.

01:30:29.000 Hey, you're hurting her.

01:30:30.000 Take it easy.

01:30:34.000 She's a ref. 1.00

01:30:35.000 You have not just the key to the city, you have the key to earth.

01:30:38.000 You can just walk around telling people, yeah, that was it.

01:30:43.000 She's way down there, though.

01:30:44.000 It's like she doesn't show up for a long time.

01:30:49.000 There, she's the one in the back. 1.00

01:30:51.000 Watch your mouth.

01:30:53.000 Watch your mouth.

01:30:55.000 Sitting there with her arms.

01:30:56.000 Look at her.

01:30:56.000 And she's like bored.

01:30:57.000 Like, I just work security here on Earth.

01:31:02.000 Fuck off.

01:31:04.000 This is a very sexist episode, and I'm sorry, ladies.

01:31:07.000 But there's, I blame feminism. 1.00

01:31:09.000 And another thing: the teachers' unions.

01:31:12.000 The teachers' unions keep telling these middle-aged teachers that they're wonderful and they're doing the hardest job in the world and the future is with you.

01:31:20.000 And it gives them this arrogance where they're like, yeah, and I see it when they walk down the street or the way they talk to people and pick up that litter.

01:31:28.000 I'm a criminal.

01:31:30.000 Oh, shit.

01:31:33.000 And by the way, the problem with that video that you just saw is people don't understand that when you want to put some cuffs on someone and they're resisting, it's really, really hard.

01:31:45.000 You have to get them.

01:31:46.000 First of all, it's very easy to wriggle around.

01:31:48.000 So you've got to get them on their stomach.

01:31:49.000 And then when they won't give you the hand, your arm has to be so strong that it can subdue their hand.

01:31:55.000 Then you have to somehow get the cuff on it.

01:31:57.000 And now find that other fucking snakey hand. 1.00

01:32:00.000 It's really difficult.

01:32:01.000 And in police training, they say things like, if he's resisting, punch him in the face, punch him in the head, kneel on his head.

01:32:09.000 These are techniques that they are trained to do.

01:32:12.000 But I think people just see a cop on top of someone and go, you're hurting him.

01:32:16.000 Like, I think their brain thinks that the guy is trying to put his hands behind his back.

01:32:21.000 No, he's not.

01:32:22.000 And I don't have a choice.

01:32:23.000 Once we're at the arrest stage, I have to cuff him.

01:32:27.000 So that woman was like, why are you being mean? 1.00

01:32:31.000 It's like they just can't handle conflict.

01:32:33.000 Can we see it one more time?

01:32:37.000 It's the most ostentatious punch I've ever seen in my life.

01:32:45.000 It's the way my daughter treats her brother. 1.00

01:32:48.000 Don't worry, nothing happened.

01:32:49.000 Oh, shit.

01:32:50.000 Oh, he's dead.

01:32:51.000 He didn't like your comments.

01:32:54.000 But she reached in.

01:33:00.000 It was a real swamp.

01:33:04.000 All right, don't do the ghost one.

01:33:07.000 Let's jump ahead to God Almighty.

01:33:13.000 This is a rich bitch who's never been in a fight and never really seen black people. 1.00

01:33:18.000 Julia Louise Dreyfus was never not rich.

01:33:21.000 She grew up loaded.

01:33:22.000 We remember her dad would just buy art.

01:33:25.000 That was his job.

01:33:26.000 He was an art collector.

01:33:27.000 I'm a collector.

01:33:28.000 I shop for myself.

01:33:30.000 So look at her quote, though.

01:33:32.000 Before you show it, look at everyone's reaction.

01:33:35.000 So it says, warning, this video of Colorado PD officer beating a 14-year-old is sickening and demands immediate action.

01:33:46.000 How many of these videos must we see before we do something about police violence in this country?

01:33:52.000 Now, when I saw that video, or I saw this tweet before I saw the video, I don't like seeing cops act egregiously because I know they're putting other cops in danger.

01:34:00.000 So I'm sort of crossing my fingers watching this going, oh no, I hope he's not just randomly beating the shit out of some little teenage black girl, right?

01:34:07.000 Now, Julia Louise Dreyfus has clearly seen it, and she is so flabbergasted.

01:34:11.000 All she can say is, God Almighty, end this violence.

01:34:15.000 So you go, this is going to be pretty bad, right?

01:34:17.000 Check it out.

01:34:19.000 What's up?

01:34:21.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:34:23.000 Stop, bro.

01:34:25.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:34:27.000 Stop hitting them, bro.

01:34:29.000 Stop, bro.

01:34:31.000 Stop, bro.

01:34:33.000 What's your password?

01:34:35.000 What's up?

01:34:36.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:34:38.000 Stop, bro.

01:34:39.000 That's the whole thing.

01:34:40.000 What?

01:34:40.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:34:41.000 Those little jabs.

01:34:43.000 That's how I play fight with my baby son.

01:34:47.000 Is that a girl or a boy?

01:34:48.000 I think it's a girl.

01:34:49.000 But she's resisting arrest. 1.00

01:34:50.000 She's not putting her hands behind her back.

01:34:52.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:34:53.000 And yes, punching helps subdue someone resisting arrest.

01:34:56.000 That's not a girl, dude. 1.00

01:34:57.000 Stop hitting there, bro.

01:34:59.000 Oh, you don't think it's a girl?

01:35:00.000 No.

01:35:01.000 Josh is listening to us.

01:35:03.000 What's your passport?

01:35:04.000 Stop.

01:35:05.000 What's up?

01:35:07.000 Stop, Josh, stop.

01:35:08.000 Stop, bro.

01:35:11.000 Stop, Josh.

01:35:12.000 You're right.

01:35:12.000 It's a Josh.

01:35:13.000 It's a fucking guy.

01:35:16.000 And then it says, oh, when I saw that, I was like, I could totally see that in a police training thing as an example of a fair way to subdue someone resisting arrest.

01:35:27.000 Like, am I crazy?

01:35:29.000 That looks to me like something, something that the police department would put out.

01:35:34.000 Ugh.

01:35:34.000 Like, we've been accused of police violence.

01:35:36.000 Here, watch the video.

01:35:37.000 You'll see.

01:35:39.000 Think of what it would.

01:35:41.000 What do they say?

01:35:41.000 Wait, these are the replies.

01:35:43.000 What a big, tough man.

01:35:45.000 He's not trying to show off.

01:35:46.000 Not a 14-year-old girl.

01:35:48.000 And by the way, all middle-aged men try to get someone to put their arms behind their back.

01:35:56.000 What is this one?

01:35:56.000 I want to see the entire encounter.

01:35:58.000 Yeah, there is no justification for treating a child like that.

01:36:04.000 They love infantilizing black victims to make it sound more like a little kid. 1.00

01:36:09.000 Their silence makes them complicit.

01:36:11.000 Oh my God.

01:36:12.000 Imagine hanging out with any of these people.

01:36:16.000 The community should know our deputies have a heart for the rancho, blah, blah, blah community, especially for the youth they serve, blah, blah, blah.

01:36:24.000 What the actual fuck?

01:36:26.000 I really have no words.

01:36:29.000 You can quarantine this beast.

01:36:32.000 Wait.

01:36:33.000 You can guarantee this beast has a history of beating women. 0.98

01:36:36.000 What's he supposed to do?

01:36:37.000 What are you supposed to do if you have to arrest a 14-year-old?

01:36:41.000 I don't think it's a girl, but let's just say it's a girl.

01:36:43.000 Tell me what to do when I have to arrest a 14-year-old girl and she's wriggling all over the place. 0.99

01:36:47.000 Tell me.

01:36:47.000 And the punches were like...

01:36:54.000 Maybe that's the problem?

01:36:56.000 All these, this new generation didn't grow up play fighting.

01:37:00.000 Like, I thought it was bad they don't fight in schoolyards anymore, but I don't think they wrestle each other.

01:37:06.000 All right, last video, I'm blabbing on and on and on here.

01:37:10.000 This is a similar encounter.

01:37:13.000 And these cops, they go to the beginning, it's a really long one.

01:37:17.000 But these cops have a description of a guy.

01:37:21.000 And he's got a black hat and a black shirt on.

01:37:24.000 Now, they have the camera footage in their car.

01:37:27.000 And they're saying, can you just come over here?

01:37:28.000 We want to have you look at this.

01:37:31.000 See if you're wearing the same shirt.

01:37:33.000 I want to compare you to it.

01:37:34.000 Just come over down by our car, please.

01:37:36.000 He's like, no.

01:37:40.000 And this, by the way, this was sent to me as an example of police being assholes.

01:37:44.000 And I'm always, every time I get these, I go, oh shit.

01:37:47.000 And then I watch it and go, what are you talking about?

01:37:49.000 Just as far as Imagine your description.

01:37:51.000 There you go.

01:37:53.000 Like, when we were teenagers, we had confrontations like this on a daily basis.

01:37:57.000 The 80s was a lot more fighty than the 2020s.

01:38:03.000 Did you fight a lot in high school?

01:38:05.000 Like, didn't you have to meet by the old abandoned baseball diamond after 320?

01:38:10.000 Can you be shit in your pants all day because you got to fight Darren Beattie?

01:38:14.000 Most of them weren't arranged, but there was one that was worse.

01:38:19.000 Didn't you hate that?

01:38:20.000 That sucks.

01:38:21.000 Because all day, just, yeah.

01:38:23.000 And then, like, people get wind of it and, hey, I heard you're fighting this person.

01:38:26.000 Yeah, and there's by the time it happens, there's like 200 people there.

01:38:30.000 I had to fight Barry Pueblo, and it was arranged a day before.

01:38:36.000 That's terrible.

01:38:36.000 So, like, all night I'm sitting there going, I'd forget, too, and I go, wait, why was I bummed out here?

01:38:42.000 Oh, yeah, I gotta fucking fight that guy tomorrow.

01:38:45.000 You know what I did for that fight?

01:38:48.000 I had shish kebab.

01:38:49.000 You know when you have a shish kebab steel thing?

01:38:52.000 I put four down each side of my army coat.

01:38:57.000 So when it comes time, I can just go, zing!

01:39:00.000 Like Wolverine.

01:39:00.000 Damn.

01:39:01.000 Have you ever heard of a stupider plan?

01:39:03.000 Yeah, that would be really wriggly.

01:39:07.000 And then when I went like that, they'd all go blink, blink, blink.

01:39:10.000 And say they did stick straight out.

01:39:11.000 What am I going to do?

01:39:12.000 Impale him?

01:39:13.000 You can't even do that with a pen.

01:39:15.000 It would just...

01:39:17.000 You know what happened with that fight?

01:39:19.000 We had some tussling, punching, a lot of that.

01:39:21.000 One-on-one.

01:39:22.000 Remember, they would yell the rules.

01:39:24.000 One-on-one, man!

01:39:24.000 One-on-one!

01:39:27.000 And he got some distance from me, and he had a huge ego.

01:39:32.000 And this is back when karate was kind of big.

01:39:34.000 So he decided he was going to do a fucking circle kick.

01:39:37.000 What do you call it, a roundhouse?

01:39:39.000 So he goes, but his adrenaline was pumping so fast that with a centrifugal force, picked up his other foot, and he went flying through the air like a starfish.

01:39:39.000 Yeah.

01:39:50.000 And he landed flat on the grass and knocked the wind out of himself.

01:39:54.000 Oh, boy.

01:39:55.000 And he couldn't breathe.

01:39:56.000 He was like, and I was like, I guess I leave now.

01:39:59.000 Okay, bye.

01:40:00.000 Thanks, God.

01:40:02.000 Another one of those moments.

01:40:04.000 I need to talk to him.

01:40:07.000 Come down here and talk to me away from everybody else.

01:40:11.000 He's going to piss me the fuck off and shit's going to get bad.

01:40:14.000 Other kids getting lippy too.

01:40:14.000 Yeah, that guy.

01:40:16.000 So now he's getting pissed off.

01:40:18.000 You're the fucking fuck, okay?

01:40:20.000 Do you fuck with me?

01:40:20.000 No, I'm going to talk to you.

01:40:21.000 I'm not going to be about my wallet.

01:40:23.000 Like when a cop tells you to do something, even if he's a fucking asshole, you're going to do it.

01:40:28.000 What are you going to do?

01:40:29.000 Tell him to fuck off and he'll say, okay, sorry, and get in his car?

01:40:34.000 The whole thing with fucking Lucy cigarette guy, Eric, I'm trying to remember his name.

01:40:42.000 You know the guy who was killed?

01:40:44.000 Yeah.

01:40:46.000 Eric Strangler, Eric Dangler.

01:40:48.000 There's a weird thing about doing this show where names don't work.

01:40:52.000 Okay, look, look.

01:40:52.000 No, no.

01:40:53.000 What I said, James.

01:40:54.000 No, no, no, no.

01:40:58.000 Eric Garner.

01:40:59.000 Eric Garner.

01:41:00.000 He said, this ends now.

01:41:02.000 I'm not letting you.

01:41:03.000 Like, what's your scenario?

01:41:05.000 The cops shrug and just walk away?

01:41:07.000 Now you're actually in trouble.

01:41:11.000 Now, look how hard it is to get someone, even with the teasing.

01:41:15.000 Here, just pause for a sec.

01:41:16.000 Here's a theory I have.

01:41:17.000 Is it possible that when you're getting teased, your pain is so delirious that you can't put your hands behind your back?

01:41:24.000 Maybe.

01:41:24.000 Like, you know how you see, guys, I saw this video, this guy, he lights himself on fire on a diving board in a pool.

01:41:30.000 So he knows to just jump in and put it out.

01:41:33.000 But he's so freaked out and the pain is so intense that he turns around and runs.

01:41:37.000 It doesn't make sense, yeah.

01:41:38.000 You just, you can't, just like I couldn't remember Eric Garner's name, there's a block.

01:41:42.000 So maybe you can't put your hands behind your back.

01:41:44.000 But anyway, that's a good time for a punch.

01:41:46.000 Yeah, like I saw one guy got shot because he was like, shoot me, and then he grabbed the gun.

01:41:52.000 And then you're supposed to put your hands behind your back.

01:41:54.000 That's got a stink.

01:41:55.000 But you just asked him to kill you.

01:41:58.000 And you held a gun.

01:42:00.000 Yeah, so this guy will not put his hands behind his back.

01:42:06.000 And this is supposed to make me mad, by the way.

01:42:08.000 This is an example of police violence.

01:42:10.000 They just wanted to look at you because you fit the description of a suspect, which was Philando Castile's thing, too.

01:42:17.000 He matched the description of a suspect.

01:42:21.000 And then we cuff him.

01:42:23.000 You didn't have to be that rough.

01:42:25.000 It's like when they say you should have just shot him in the knee.

01:42:28.000 Yeah, I'm fine.

01:42:29.000 You take him down there to see who he was.

01:42:32.000 He's on video.

01:42:33.000 Anyway, that goes on.

01:42:34.000 On video doing what?

01:42:35.000 That wasn't a very eventful one to end with.

01:42:37.000 I got a good one to end with.

01:42:39.000 Here's a video of cops being scared of ghosts.

01:42:43.000 Just in case you thought we were being too nice to the cops.

01:42:49.000 This is not good, by the way.

01:42:51.000 And one of them is a female cop, and that's predictable. 1.00

01:42:53.000 But the mail cop, you're not supposed to be scared of ghosts, dude.

01:42:56.000 Ah!

01:43:00.000 Ha ha ha ha ha!

01:43:03.000 Can you believe that?

01:43:06.000 I would not.

01:43:06.000 Yeah, I would run.

01:43:07.000 That's not your job.

01:43:08.000 Okay, well, you're not a cop.

01:43:10.000 Your job when you hear a scream is not to assume it's a monster.

01:43:15.000 What is it, a vampire?

01:43:16.000 Is that where you were running from?

01:43:18.000 What kind of monster were you running from?

01:43:20.000 You're supposed to have your flashlight away from you in case they shoot at it and maybe get some cover behind a gravestone and say, come out, get out.

01:43:28.000 Who's there?

01:43:29.000 Go find where the scream is coming from.

01:43:31.000 Oink, oink, you're scared of monsters. 1.00

01:43:36.000 What do you think it is?

01:43:38.000 What does a Scooby-Doo?

01:43:40.000 You believe in ghosts?

01:43:41.000 We need the Ghostbuster backup.

01:43:44.000 Dude, if you hear screaming in a graveyard, the odds are pretty high someone's getting raped or some fucking coyote just bit their pinky off.

01:43:52.000 I thought you were going to say, if you hear a scream and you get fired, get in trouble.

01:43:56.000 Oh, man.

01:43:57.000 Oh, man.

01:43:58.000 You're going to get fired.

01:43:59.000 Get in trouble.

01:44:00.000 Be brave and never stop fighting.

01:44:03.000 I was gonna call you back.

01:44:07.000 I swear, just as soon as I felt.

01:44:12.000 You call and call my phone thinking I'm doing nothing better.

01:44:16.000 I'm just waiting for it to come so I can use it again.

01:44:20.000 Love isn't a riddle.

01:44:22.000 Love isn't made to be hard.

01:44:24.000 You know I've given you my kidneys.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 29, 2020

S02E157 - WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT [2020-04-29 - S02E157 - WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT]

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