Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E93 - THE SADDEST MAN

00:01:01.000 Hello, folks.

00:01:02.000 I just drove in to the city from Washington, D.C. I was in Colonial Williamsburg for the holidays, and it was cool.

00:01:12.000 I'll share some pics of my trip with you.

00:01:16.000 Of course, we have to discuss the music so we don't get sued.

00:01:19.000 I had this song in my head all week, all weekend, Death is a Star by The Clash.

00:01:27.000 And I couldn't remember any of the lyrics.

00:01:28.000 I just remembered, go down again.

00:01:32.000 And I just put down again, Lyrics, The Clash.

00:01:35.000 It came up.

00:01:35.000 Boom.

00:01:36.000 God, I love the internet.

00:01:38.000 But it's a really cool, weird haunting song that I was going to use to introduce the show, but it's not.

00:01:42.000 It doesn't get you pumped.

00:01:46.000 I don't hear it.

00:01:47.000 In a one-stop only motel, the stone bangs on the cheapest room.

00:01:51.000 The phantom slips in to spill blood, leave it on the sweetest home.

00:01:58.000 What is the genre of this?

00:02:01.000 Spoken word poetry.

00:02:04.000 Jazz?

00:02:05.000 Waltz?

00:02:08.000 It's also hard to Google because they have another poetry song with that Slam Dance Metropolis, William S. Burroughs.

00:02:15.000 Anyway, my wife sent me a tweet of this, of Joe Strummer wearing a Krass shirt, which I thought was weird because they didn't get along.

00:02:23.000 Krass had a song, They said that we were trash, but our name is Krass, not Clash.

00:02:28.000 They can stuff their punk credentials.

00:02:30.000 It's them that takes the cash.

00:02:33.000 And in that same song, he says, Black man's got his problems, his way to deal with it.

00:02:36.000 He doesn't need help from you white liberal shits. 0.91

00:02:39.000 If you take a closer look at the way things really stand, you'll see we're all just niggers to the rulers of this land.

00:02:45.000 See, that was considered like left-wing to say back in 1984.

00:02:45.000 Damn.

00:02:50.000 I say it now when I'm a Nazi.

00:02:51.000 Malcolm X said the same thing, too.

00:02:53.000 He's like, the white liberals are all...

00:02:55.000 That's fishy, though.

00:02:57.000 You see the blurring?

00:02:58.000 Well, Detective Shitty isn't so shitty, Nomo. 1.00

00:03:02.000 This is a Photoshop.

00:03:03.000 This is a really shitty Photoshop.

00:03:03.000 You're correct.

00:03:05.000 That's correct.

00:03:06.000 Where they lost.

00:03:08.000 You should use the select tool with a pretty high tolerance and just take the black, drag it over to his shirt, and then you'll maintain the wrinkles.

00:03:18.000 Oh, but I bet the original shirt has a print on it.

00:03:21.000 Strummer wasn't known for wearing no print shirts.

00:03:25.000 Non-print shirts?

00:03:26.000 I reverse Google.

00:03:26.000 Well, yes.

00:03:29.000 Look at this guy go.

00:03:32.000 Oh, man.

00:03:33.000 Oh, there we go.

00:03:33.000 Where did it?

00:03:35.000 Elvis.

00:03:36.000 What a sexy band. 1.00

00:03:37.000 That's Paul Simon in the basis.

00:03:39.000 I could see being gay for him.

00:03:40.000 Paul Simon?

00:03:41.000 Paul Simonen.

00:03:42.000 Oh, Simonen.

00:03:43.000 Why would you say Paul Simon?

00:03:47.000 You thought I mistakenly meant Paul Simon?

00:03:50.000 From Simon and Garfunkel?

00:03:50.000 And then stuttered like a major.

00:03:52.000 And then had a mini stroke at the end of it.

00:03:53.000 Paul Simonen.

00:03:54.000 Back to Detective Shitty.

00:03:56.000 Wow, that didn't last very long, did it?

00:03:57.000 That's not good.

00:03:58.000 You had it going on for about a minute, if you will.

00:04:03.000 But before we get to my fascinating trip in Colonial Williamsburg, and I tell you what I did this summer, I'm going to talk about some other things and also warn you that we have on tape the saddest man in the world, the most pathetic human being you'll ever see.

00:04:20.000 He's going to make you feel like Conan the Barbarian, but he's such a fucking loser that it might be bad for us as a male gender.

00:04:28.000 That's how much of a loser he is.

00:04:30.000 Like imagine a Hell's Angel.

00:04:32.000 You found out like Brian Stettler was a Hell's Angel.

00:04:35.000 You wouldn't go, haha, Brian Stettler thinks he's a biker.

00:04:39.000 You'd think badly of the whole Hell's Angels, the entire club.

00:04:43.000 And this guy is such a loser.

00:04:45.000 I think he's hurt the entire male profession of being a man.

00:04:51.000 But before we even get to that, something fucking freaky happened to me the other day.

00:04:55.000 Maybe we should just jump into that clip.

00:05:01.000 So you can be just, I'll explain everything after, but I want you to be as confused as I was.

00:05:06.000 So show it.

00:05:07.000 What are you doing?

00:05:08.000 Ogre.

00:05:09.000 Oh.

00:05:11.000 No thanks, that was turned down by Jill Barad, the CEO of Mattel, saying they never work.

00:05:17.000 What did I just see?

00:05:19.000 What was that?

00:05:20.000 Okay, pause.

00:05:21.000 I mean, that's enough of the video.

00:05:23.000 I don't want to show my basement.

00:05:26.000 Did you see that?

00:05:28.000 Do you want to try it again?

00:05:29.000 Let's try it again.

00:05:33.000 No, play it in full.

00:05:35.000 Because that's how I saw it.

00:05:36.000 So let me just give you some backstory now, a little bit more color.

00:05:39.000 That's the guy.

00:05:40.000 There's a great new show called The Toys That Made Us.

00:05:42.000 It's not new.

00:05:43.000 But it takes the story of toys that you know, Star Wars toys, Ninja Turtle toys, and it shows the economics of them.

00:05:52.000 How, like, that's the most valuable one, this Boba Fett.

00:05:55.000 How Star Wars, George Lucas is apparently a fucking idiot and decided to start marketing the toys two months before the movie was done.

00:06:03.000 And toys take two years.

00:06:05.000 So there was no toys when the movie came out.

00:06:06.000 Kenner, everyone turned them down.

00:06:08.000 Kenner, this company said, all right, we'll do your toys, but we want to keep 95%.

00:06:12.000 And he went, I guess I got to do it.

00:06:14.000 So he got a raw deal that was his own fault.

00:06:17.000 Look at these fucking losers collecting toys. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Toys.

00:06:25.000 Like, when does he enjoy them?

00:06:27.000 Right there.

00:06:28.000 And then you go, but Gavin, you have toys Behind you, yeah, to decorate my set to make it like on sports shows.

00:06:28.000 Yeah.

00:06:35.000 I'm trying to show the vibe here with the books and everything.

00:06:38.000 The Scottish guy, where we're coming from, humors, a big part of this, Alfred E. Newman. 0.68

00:06:43.000 But these aren't like in my home in a glass case.

00:06:46.000 Does he take them out and look at them?

00:06:49.000 Anyway, the Star Wars one was fascinating, and I don't give a fuck about Star Wars.

00:06:55.000 And the Ninja Turtles one was even more fascinating.

00:06:58.000 And this guy is talking about how ninja turtles are hard to sell.

00:07:01.000 I mean, a ninja means an assassin.

00:07:02.000 It's not very kid-friendly.

00:07:04.000 Green historically doesn't sell as a toy color.

00:07:08.000 Boys like blue and black and stuff.

00:07:10.000 So it was looking really bad.

00:07:12.000 So he's talking about all the different companies that turned him down.

00:07:16.000 Okay, that's interesting.

00:07:17.000 Now let's play the clip again.

00:07:19.000 No thanks.

00:07:20.000 I was turned down by Jill Murad, the CEO of Mattel, saying they'd never work.

00:07:26.000 That's all they tell us.

00:07:27.000 The CEO of Mattel.

00:07:31.000 What did they just show us?

00:07:34.000 I feel like, you know, those lunatics who think that there's shapeshifters and the Luminati have like time travelers and they'll show you some clip of a woman using a cell phone in 1836.

00:07:46.000 And clearly she's just like scratching her face or something.

00:07:49.000 That's how I feel watching this.

00:07:51.000 Like I just saw something I wasn't supposed to see.

00:07:54.000 The movie never addresses this.

00:07:56.000 I researched it like crazy.

00:07:58.000 I found that CEO of Mattel.

00:08:00.000 I found that chick. 1.00

00:08:01.000 There's tons of stuff about her.

00:08:02.000 Nothing on that fucking thing. 0.80

00:08:05.000 What is that?

00:08:06.000 And it's taking priority in the framing.

00:08:08.000 You want to show this clip too?

00:08:09.000 Yeah, here's me looking at it again.

00:08:13.000 What the fuck is going on with this movie?

00:08:16.000 What is that?

00:08:19.000 What?

00:08:20.000 What is this?

00:08:24.000 What is it?

00:08:26.000 Just pause.

00:08:27.000 What the fuck is it?

00:08:29.000 I think it's a piece of art that's a chair.

00:08:32.000 And it's a naked lady that is a chair. 1.00

00:08:36.000 And I bet it's, there's like this top sculptor who does some of their best toys.

00:08:41.000 And she's a woman, of course.

00:08:43.000 So she has to, she finds out that he's also an artist.

00:08:45.000 And he made this chair.

00:08:46.000 And she goes, Artuvio, I love it.

00:08:50.000 It's sexy.

00:08:51.000 It's erotic.

00:08:52.000 It's dangerous.

00:08:53.000 It's exciting.

00:08:54.000 And she puts it in her office to show how like advanced she is. 0.95

00:08:58.000 But what the fuck?

00:08:59.000 What a shitty piece of art if it is.

00:09:01.000 That's a plastic chair you're supposed to sit in?

00:09:04.000 Or what is it?

00:09:04.000 Just a melting nude lady with weird shitty tits?

00:09:09.000 What the fuck?

00:09:10.000 Can't be comfortable.

00:09:11.000 Like, I know, okay, now I finally, when I first saw it, I thought it was a dead kid or something.

00:09:15.000 But now I know that it's, now that I'm accepting it's a piece of art, I'm still confused.

00:09:20.000 Who made that?

00:09:21.000 Why did you make that?

00:09:22.000 What is that?

00:09:23.000 How many did you make?

00:09:25.000 You're very lucky you found someone stupid enough to buy your shitty art.

00:09:31.000 What a bizarre thing.

00:09:33.000 She's out of frame, basically.

00:09:36.000 The star of the shot is that stupid, nude chair. 0.53

00:09:40.000 And they zoom into it with a, like a Hey, folks at home, if you're watching, can you find out about this chair?

00:09:46.000 Who made it?

00:09:47.000 I want him on the show.

00:09:48.000 I couldn't find anything online.

00:09:52.000 Isn't that weird?

00:09:54.000 Yeah, there's something eerie.

00:09:55.000 It's so spooky, too.

00:09:57.000 It's like David Cross bought this outsider art.

00:10:01.000 He loves outsider art, you know, art by retards and stuff. 1.00

00:10:04.000 Sort of like that sleeve we had on the last show.

00:10:07.000 And it's a bathroom scene. 0.85

00:10:09.000 It's beautifully painted, very well rendered.

00:10:11.000 It's photorealist.

00:10:12.000 And it's a young girl in a men's bathroom, and she's on her knees, and there's urinals around, and there's some man standing there.

00:10:20.000 And I go, Dave, that looks like a kid's getting raped. 1.00

00:10:24.000 I mean, the reason this was at an outsider art fair is because no one wants this.

00:10:30.000 No one wants this painting in their home.

00:10:32.000 If you go to a Michael Jackson auction and you want to buy like him with the little clay sculpture of him with the chimp that was from Neverland, you can get it for like 200 bucks.

00:10:32.000 You know why?

00:10:44.000 They're not expensive because people don't want to walk into their home and just see a guy that raped kids.

00:10:54.000 That's not inspiring.

00:10:55.000 Someone gave me a Sid Vicious painting once, and I was like, I don't want that in my house.

00:10:59.000 I don't want my kids seeing that my dad looks up to a man who OD'd on heroin.

00:11:04.000 That's not a good look.

00:11:06.000 No junkies on the walls when you have kids.

00:11:10.000 Although the day they move out, just porn chairs and swear words.

00:11:15.000 I'm going to get a neck tattoo that says fireball like my wife. 1.00

00:11:21.000 All right, shall we do my trip?

00:11:23.000 Yes.

00:11:23.000 Go through some of my snaps.

00:11:25.000 Fascinating trip.

00:11:26.000 Colonial Williamsburg.

00:11:27.000 It was the first settlement of the Americas.

00:11:31.000 It actually was owned by Spain at the time, this little area.

00:11:35.000 It's very easily accessed by the sea, and there's all kinds of nice rivers and bays, little peninsula in there.

00:11:41.000 It's perfect for shipping, and the Spanish loved it.

00:11:45.000 Now, I thought the history of America was all about Plymouth Rock and the Mayflower.

00:11:51.000 No.

00:11:52.000 That was just one ship of fools who, and they were not fleeing religious persecution, those guys in the boat. 0.69

00:12:00.000 They were worried as, what were they, Protestants, purists, Puritans?

00:12:05.000 They were worried that they would be seduced by the ways of the Church of England.

00:12:10.000 So they got in a boat to get away from that temptation.

00:12:12.000 Almost like, think of Hasidic Jews living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 0.91

00:12:16.000 They don't want to, and Williamsburg, Brooklyn has that, is named after Williamsburg, Pennsylvania.

00:12:22.000 So they came over to get away from temptation, start their own perfect world on this place called Wolf Island, which was Manhattan.

00:12:29.000 And then they got pushed north.

00:12:30.000 They ended up in like Cape Cod or something in Massachusetts.

00:12:33.000 And they said, you know what?

00:12:34.000 Let's just stay here.

00:12:35.000 God wanted us to be here.

00:12:38.000 Three years earlier, I believe, this is like 1609, 1612.

00:12:41.000 I can't remember which one was first.

00:12:42.000 Who cares?

00:12:42.000 Oh, and by the way, no Indians when they got here.

00:12:44.000 They'd already been eaten by their own plague.

00:12:46.000 They had a bubonic plague in North America.

00:12:49.000 Columbus came down in the Caribbean, had cooties.

00:12:53.000 The cooties went through the Caribbean, up the west coast, and obliterated the entire native population.

00:13:00.000 So by the time they got to Plymouth Rock, there was like one Indian dude, and his family was all dead.

00:13:06.000 And you know what he was doing there?

00:13:09.000 He had been kidnapped by the Spanish years ago, like when he was a kid.

00:13:13.000 They took him to Europe.

00:13:15.000 They took him to Britain.

00:13:16.000 They freed him as a slave.

00:13:17.000 He started working.

00:13:18.000 He got a job on a boat.

00:13:19.000 He came back as an adult.

00:13:21.000 He spoke English and was Christian.

00:13:24.000 So he's sitting there alone on an island with all his dead Indians. 1.00

00:13:27.000 I'm still talking about Plymouth Rock now.

00:13:30.000 And they walk up to him and he goes, hello, do you have beer?

00:13:34.000 That's the first thing they heard when they arrived in Plymouth Rock.

00:13:38.000 Anyway, separate to that and much more consequential was Colonial Williamsburg.

00:13:43.000 It was basically a mining expedition.

00:13:44.000 They said, look, the Spanish own this place on the Americas, whatever the fuck they're called, back then, America Island.

00:13:56.000 Let's just go in, get tons of silver and gold.

00:13:59.000 I'm making learning cool.

00:14:00.000 Have you noticed that?

00:14:01.000 Yeah.

00:14:01.000 So the Spanish were like, yo, man, this is my hood, right?

00:14:06.000 And then the English were like, fuck that. 1.00

00:14:08.000 I'm going to go and get some of that silver and gold.

00:14:10.000 But get this.

00:14:11.000 There wasn't really any silver and gold to be had.

00:14:15.000 So they was like, what the fuck?

00:14:18.000 And then these niggas was like, well, there is tobacco. 1.00

00:14:22.000 So they weren't having it.

00:14:24.000 They farmed tobacco, sent that back, and that did great.

00:14:28.000 I feel that there's someone who knows history really well and is listening to this going, oh, for fuck's sakes.

00:14:34.000 But then I guess the Spanish never came back. 1.00

00:14:39.000 So they said, we're just staying here.

00:14:41.000 And they built a little village that was British.

00:14:46.000 Okay, so let's look at some of my snaps.

00:14:50.000 What is this?

00:14:52.000 This sucked so much shit, you would not have believed it.

00:14:57.000 I was gobsmacked.

00:14:59.000 So we went to one night.

00:15:00.000 It was like a ghost night, and it was always sold out.

00:15:03.000 This was pretty half-assed.

00:15:05.000 Upper Canada Village is much better than Colonial Williamsburg.

00:15:07.000 But the ghost night, they go and you bring the kids and they tell you like family-friendly ghost stories and these historical spots that people lived in in the 60s.

00:15:16.000 And it is spooky.

00:15:18.000 So that's fine.

00:15:19.000 I don't like ghost stories.

00:15:20.000 I don't fucking believe in ghosts.

00:15:21.000 I'm not retarded. 0.99

00:15:22.000 And I can tell when I hear them that half the time it's some drunk who had a hallucination and the other half it's some guy who got caught cheating on his wife and said, oh, she's a witch.

00:15:30.000 She seduced me. 0.99

00:15:31.000 Better kill her. 1.00

00:15:32.000 How many or some mistress says she's pregnant? 0.98

00:15:35.000 And he's like, she's a witch. 0.58

00:15:37.000 It's kind of like Islam, but like with more imagination involved. 0.99

00:15:40.000 We got to kill her.

00:15:41.000 What are you talking about, Roy?

00:15:41.000 What?

00:15:43.000 How does she know my name?

00:15:44.000 Crazy.

00:15:44.000 Witch.

00:15:46.000 That was the abortion back then. 0.96

00:15:47.000 You just burnt your mistress alive. 0.97

00:15:52.000 Killed two birds with one still.

00:15:55.000 With one doad.

00:15:57.000 With one doad.

00:15:58.000 So, yeah, they come out.

00:15:59.000 It's St. Andrew's.

00:16:00.000 Oh, cool.

00:16:00.000 It's a Scottish thing.

00:16:01.000 So they tell us about St. Andrew.

00:16:03.000 He was crucified.

00:16:04.000 Oh, they do these Scottish accents where they talk like this, but occasionally we'll roll an R. So they go, so then St. Andrew was crucified.

00:16:13.000 What?

00:16:14.000 They were flanging in and out of this shitty Scottish accent, which I have a real allergic reaction to. 1.00

00:16:20.000 And they say, oh, he didn't want to be on a Christ cross because that was Christ shit and that felt like blasphemy.

00:16:26.000 So if you're going to crucify me, do it on an X. Oh, okay.

00:16:30.000 And that's why Scotland has an X. Oh.

00:16:32.000 And the reason that St. Andrew, he was actually from like, I don't know, Middle East somewhere, maybe Turkey, I don't know, Greece.

00:16:39.000 And he said, I don't want to be buried here.

00:16:42.000 So take my bones and put them in the farthest, farthest place you can ever find.

00:16:47.000 So they did.

00:16:47.000 They got on a boat.

00:16:48.000 They ended up way at the top of Scotland.

00:16:50.000 They left his bones there.

00:16:51.000 And then Scotland became St. Andrews.

00:16:54.000 Or sorry, Scotland, St. Andrews became an integral part of Scottish history.

00:16:58.000 Okay, fascinating.

00:16:59.000 This is going really well.

00:17:01.000 This is 10 minutes in.

00:17:02.000 And then you know what they said?

00:17:04.000 They go, that's all there is to know about St. Andrew.

00:17:08.000 And then they started getting up, sitting down, getting up, sitting down, and talking about fucking dumb ghost stories.

00:17:15.000 The piper with no feet and some fucking seagoat called a sookie, where if you catch her and when she takes off her jacket, you get to make a wish. 1.00

00:17:26.000 And this guy wished, and there was a weird sort of misandry laced into, where these boys were haunted by St. Andrews and they kept failing their classes.

00:17:33.000 And she's like, yeah, that's why you're failing your classes.

00:17:36.000 If you're saying that about a female school, you never get it.

00:17:38.000 I've never heard of a fucking sookie before. 1.00

00:17:42.000 The seagoat.

00:17:43.000 I never heard of it.

00:17:45.000 You go to Glasgow airport, they're not selling these.

00:17:48.000 This is not a big Scottish thing.

00:17:51.000 Anyway, they tell these stupid ghost stories.

00:17:53.000 It's just torture.

00:17:54.000 And I'm feeling bad for my kids.

00:17:56.000 The whole weekend was sort of torturing them on purpose, by the way.

00:17:59.000 I know they didn't want to go to Colonial Williamsburg, but fuck it.

00:18:02.000 I'm sick of them not learning anything in school.

00:18:05.000 And that's a good kind of torture.

00:18:07.000 It's like, feel the burn, kids.

00:18:09.000 I'm taking you on a walking tour.

00:18:12.000 It's like a vegetable cajin.

00:18:14.000 Eat your vegetables.

00:18:15.000 It's a very difficult vegetable cage.

00:18:17.000 It's very difficult.

00:18:18.000 I don't like the broccoli, but they make us eat it.

00:18:20.000 So that pissed me off.

00:18:21.000 You suck, you fucking lazy teachers.

00:18:23.000 They're all teachers.

00:18:26.000 And they also explained that they've been there for about seven years.

00:18:30.000 You might want to get good at your job.

00:18:32.000 And I saw, and they had a big screen behind them.

00:18:34.000 You know what they should have done?

00:18:35.000 And you could have Googled this.

00:18:37.000 Show Braveheart parts of Braveheart and say what was right in the movie and what was wrong in the movie.

00:18:43.000 Like in the movie, his love interest, in real life, she would have been four years old at the time.

00:18:47.000 So that's a mistake.

00:18:48.000 And you show that and you say, this didn't happen.

00:18:50.000 This did happen.

00:18:51.000 This was accurate.

00:18:51.000 This wasn't accurate.

00:18:53.000 If Braveheart, they're not going to sue you.

00:18:55.000 The worst thing they'll do is give you a cease and assist.

00:18:57.000 Then you come up with a new thing.

00:18:59.000 Yeah, and who's going to rat?

00:19:01.000 Fucking ghost stories?

00:19:02.000 Suck my dick. 1.00

00:19:04.000 Ghost stories.

00:19:06.000 10?

00:19:06.000 What am I?

00:19:07.000 What am I?

00:19:08.000 5 ghost stories, really?

00:19:11.000 This was near the Weiss House.

00:19:13.000 I used to live on Wythe in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

00:19:16.000 Oh, we went to look up, what's it called?

00:19:19.000 The Burgess House?

00:19:21.000 The birthplace of democracy, or our modern democracy, American justice, I should say, which doesn't seem to exist anymore.

00:19:28.000 The Burgess House?

00:19:29.000 Is that what it is?

00:19:30.000 The court?

00:19:31.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:19:32.000 conference house of Burgess, House of Burgess.

00:19:36.000 So, we went there and we saw there was a trial going on, and we got to sit in the trial.

00:19:41.000 That was really cool.

00:19:42.000 And the trial was this guy was being accused of being a patriot and blaspheming the king and supporting the revolution.

00:19:53.000 So, he sits there on trial, and they have his slave comes out, and she goes, Yeah, he was doing it.

00:19:57.000 He's like, You bitch. 1.00

00:19:59.000 And then, again, making learning cool.

00:20:01.000 And then we were allowed to interject.

00:20:04.000 And so the judge, who may have been Wife himself, Judge Wife, said, does anyone have a question in the courtroom?

00:20:10.000 And so everyone was getting involved in it.

00:20:12.000 And they were saying things like, did you have your glasses on at the time?

00:20:15.000 And he's like, no, I didn't have my spectacles.

00:20:17.000 But that did not impede my vision.

00:20:20.000 I could see perfectly that it was this man who was funding the revolution.

00:20:24.000 So that was cool.

00:20:25.000 And then I thought, I want to do the animal house thing where he gets up and he goes, point of parliamentary procedure.

00:20:32.000 The issue here, gentlemen, is not that we took some liberties with a few of our female guests.

00:20:40.000 We did.

00:20:43.000 But before we let a few sick and perverted individuals spoil the whole bunch, we, no, we can't do that.

00:20:54.000 What does he say?

00:20:55.000 Yeah.

00:20:55.000 You can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals.

00:21:03.000 Or if we do.

00:21:04.000 Or if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system?

00:21:09.000 And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general?

00:21:21.000 I court to you, Rick.

00:21:23.000 Isn't this an indictment of our entire American society?

00:21:31.000 Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you, bad-mouth the United States of America.

00:21:41.000 Gentlemen!

00:21:43.000 And then they leave, right?

00:21:46.000 Play what they.

00:21:50.000 You're not walking out of this one, mister.

00:21:53.000 You're finished.

00:21:55.000 Anyway, so that's how it was in my head.

00:21:57.000 And my kids are there, and there's like 60 people in there.

00:22:01.000 And I go, I got to do this.

00:22:04.000 I got to do this.

00:22:05.000 And then my heart starts pounding.

00:22:08.000 And I actually grab my daughter's hand and I put it on my chest so she can feel like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:22:14.000 It was going hard.

00:22:15.000 Dad's a pussy. 1.00

00:22:16.000 And then I thought, I can't pussy out of this or I'll never forgive myself. 0.91

00:22:22.000 And this is a great lesson for the kids.

00:22:23.000 And it's a cool animal house shout out.

00:22:25.000 And there's a lot of boomers here.

00:22:26.000 They'll probably get it.

00:22:27.000 So they go, I put out my hand the first time and it's too late.

00:22:30.000 And then the second witness comes and I finally have a chance.

00:22:33.000 And I just go.

00:22:35.000 And they're just, yes, sir.

00:22:37.000 And I get up and I go, point of parliamentary procedure.

00:22:39.000 And then he starts going, bang, bang, bang.

00:22:41.000 Do you have a question, sir?

00:22:43.000 And I go, the issue here is not whether we took some liberties.

00:22:47.000 And he's like, bang, bang, bang.

00:22:49.000 Do you have a question, sir?

00:22:51.000 And then I'm like, shit, that's not part of the speech.

00:22:53.000 So then I go, yes, I have a question.

00:22:56.000 Is this not an indictment of our entire educational system?

00:23:02.000 And if it is, and he's like, bang, bang, ask a question, bang, bang.

00:23:06.000 And they go, court clerk.

00:23:08.000 And they get the guy, he's a black guy, and he comes over, he's got this big staff, and they're banging, banging, and he's got his uniform. 0.91

00:23:13.000 And I'm like, well, you can say, you can do what you want to me.

00:23:16.000 He's grabbing me now.

00:23:18.000 And I go, but I'm not going to sit here and let you badmouth the United States of America.

00:23:24.000 And then they pull me out.

00:23:25.000 And then everyone, I know this sounds like a lie because it ends with everyone claps.

00:23:29.000 No way.

00:23:30.000 But yeah, everyone's laughing their heads off.

00:23:33.000 And then I get thrown out.

00:23:34.000 And as I'm being let out, I start going, hmm, hmm, hmm, of the song.

00:23:40.000 But I realize there, that's land of hope and glory.

00:23:42.000 That's a British anthem.

00:23:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:44.000 It was supposed to be Star Spangled Banner or something, right?

00:23:48.000 Anyway, it doesn't matter.

00:23:49.000 No one got the Animal House reference.

00:23:51.000 But what they thought the joke was, was me just being a patriot and fuck Britain.

00:23:57.000 Like USA, USA.

00:24:00.000 So everyone laughed at that.

00:24:01.000 It was too sophisticated.

00:24:03.000 And this is a great lesson for you folks at home.

00:24:06.000 Don't be too ambitious with your jokes.

00:24:08.000 Okay?

00:24:10.000 Like that has many levels.

00:24:12.000 Don't have any.

00:24:12.000 That's two levels.

00:24:13.000 I should have just got up and went, I'll tell you what, America's going to win this revolution.

00:24:18.000 We will be sorry.

00:24:19.000 This is not the king's land.

00:24:21.000 This is the people's land.

00:24:23.000 And then been dragged out.

00:24:24.000 That's why it teams to everybody.

00:24:24.000 WWF.

00:24:27.000 Bad guy is The Undertaker.

00:24:27.000 Yeah.

00:24:29.000 Good guy is Hulk Hogan.

00:24:30.000 Keep it simple, stupid.

00:24:32.000 It's like with the anti-Sharia march, that rally we had in New York City.

00:24:36.000 I got up and I said, let's cut the crap.

00:24:39.000 Sharia's got a lot of wonderful things.

00:24:41.000 Like, women can't drive. 1.00

00:24:42.000 You ever see a woman on the road? 0.94

00:24:44.000 I like that they're cut.

00:24:46.000 Maybe we should embrace Sharia. 1.00

00:24:48.000 And also, you walk around Williamsburg, all these women so fucking hot, you can't stop thinking about them all day. 1.00

00:24:52.000 Put a burqa on them. 1.00

00:24:54.000 Cover them up.

00:24:55.000 And everyone in the audience is just going, what?

00:24:57.000 And then I realized, I got to change course.

00:24:59.000 And I just said, they're not going to rule us.

00:25:01.000 This is freedom.

00:25:02.000 And it was like, yeah, I like that.

00:25:02.000 And we don't.

00:25:05.000 Freedom's good.

00:25:06.000 Nuance bad.

00:25:07.000 Nuance bad.

00:25:08.000 Well, I mean, maybe at a quiet comedy club, you can whisper a bit.

00:25:13.000 I was doing like Louis C.K. in both cases, and they just want Hulk Hogan.

00:25:18.000 Anyway, I thought that was a good lesson for my kids.

00:25:21.000 Although I said to my six-year-old, he's eating cheesies.

00:25:24.000 And I go to Johnny, I go, what'd you think of dad getting kicked out of that courtroom?

00:25:28.000 And he goes, cringy.

00:25:31.000 No way.

00:25:32.000 With like a mouthful of Cheetos.

00:25:38.000 By the way, speaking of my kids, I got a, my wife called me.

00:25:42.000 She said, all after-school programs are canceled today because of the weather.

00:25:48.000 And basketball practice is also canceled for my son.

00:25:52.000 It's barely snowing out.

00:25:52.000 What?

00:25:54.000 Yeah, it's really nothing.

00:25:55.000 It's like mist.

00:25:56.000 Like, I was just driving here from D.C. I came Here from upstate, so it was pretty bad up there, but then it wasn't.

00:26:04.000 All the roads are fine.

00:26:05.000 Pussyville. 0.97

00:26:06.000 Yeah.

00:26:06.000 When I was a kid, we would walk in blizzards.

00:26:09.000 I'd have to walk to school backwards when I was seven years old.

00:26:12.000 Oh, so the wind's not in your face.

00:26:14.000 Yeah.

00:26:15.000 And it was just white.

00:26:17.000 Remember you breathe in your nose and then you feel icicles forming?

00:26:20.000 Or your nostrils stick together?

00:26:22.000 Yeah.

00:26:23.000 Yeah.

00:26:24.000 Kind of feels cool.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, you'd have that little mouth thing on and that would all be drenched in like icicles. 1.00

00:26:29.000 Snowpants.

00:26:29.000 Yep.

00:26:30.000 You had to wear snowpants to walk to school, which was such a bad look.

00:26:34.000 I remember even at seven going, God, these things suck.

00:26:37.000 And I could say about the weather.

00:26:38.000 Mother Nature's hella pissed. 1.00

00:26:43.000 Should we look at some more snaps?

00:26:45.000 Yes.

00:26:46.000 Oh, there's also a movie of me shooting a flint gun.

00:26:48.000 That was fun.

00:26:51.000 Oh, yeah, those things.

00:26:52.000 I don't know why, but I could have sat there all day.

00:26:56.000 I only got about six shots, and they were all over the place.

00:26:59.000 It's so fucking random where that thing is going.

00:27:02.000 There aren't even sights.

00:27:03.000 You're just basically hoping to kill someone.

00:27:05.000 That's why they would do duels, because those handguns are even worse.

00:27:10.000 How'd that one feel?

00:27:12.000 How did that one feel?

00:27:14.000 Nice.

00:27:14.000 So good.

00:27:15.000 The lead balls, right?

00:27:16.000 Yeah, there's no recoil.

00:27:18.000 It doesn't really hit you hard.

00:27:20.000 It's not like my 30-odd six where my arm comes off every shot and I have a bruise after a session.

00:27:25.000 This feels like nothing.

00:27:26.000 It's almost like shooting a crossbow.

00:27:28.000 Interesting.

00:27:29.000 And the fire shoots out and you got the flint there.

00:27:31.000 You got the black powder you put in.

00:27:36.000 So fun.

00:27:37.000 It's a very rewarding sound, though.

00:27:38.000 Yeah.

00:27:39.000 You know?

00:27:41.000 Honestly, I could have been there all day.

00:27:42.000 It was strangely soothing.

00:27:44.000 It's sort of like hunting.

00:27:45.000 I thought hunting would be boring.

00:27:46.000 And then I did it.

00:27:47.000 You're just sitting on a rock for like four hours and it's meditation.

00:27:50.000 You feel so zen.

00:27:51.000 Yeah.

00:27:52.000 You become one with the forest.

00:27:54.000 And that's what people, especially New York liberals, don't seem to understand that guns and America are so inextrably linked that separating them is like separating dumplings from German people or kung fu from China.

00:28:08.000 Those are terrible analogies.

00:28:10.000 Those are the most American references to other cultures you could have made.

00:28:14.000 No, it's like telling Japanese people that they don't take off their shoes anymore and they can sit in a normal chair and use a fucking fork. 0.88

00:28:19.000 It's just not who they are.

00:28:21.000 Well, this was a cool clip.

00:28:23.000 They sold the Indians shitty guns.

00:28:26.000 One, because Indians were poor and they would buy them up real fast. 1.00

00:28:30.000 And two, because they broke easy and they weren't totally comfortable with the Indians being armed.

00:28:36.000 So it's like, you're our ally now.

00:28:38.000 Here's a disposable gun.

00:28:41.000 This is probably not going to be around in a couple years.

00:28:45.000 But yeah, those were all the guns that they used were the guns that we shot.

00:28:50.000 Oh, and this was cool.

00:28:53.000 No, maybe they sent over Russians.

00:28:55.000 What does that say?

00:28:56.000 It says German principalities.

00:28:58.000 But what does this bottom right say?

00:28:59.000 Towards the end of the Revolutionary War, the Continental Congress offered Hessian soldiers citizenship, farmland, two pigs, and a cow in exchange for deserting.

00:29:08.000 Thousands decided to become Americans.

00:29:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:11.000 I just thought that's a great economic rule.

00:29:14.000 And we did this with awarding money for scalps and stuff.

00:29:18.000 Get financial with your war.

00:29:20.000 Hey, we're about to have a new country.

00:29:22.000 You get tons of land if you fight for us and leave the British. 0.68

00:29:27.000 Okay, done.

00:29:27.000 Money talks.

00:29:29.000 This was a chair, this was a loony bin in 1773, and this is a chair to make you calm down.

00:29:35.000 You put your head in that thing and you can't see anyone annoying.

00:29:39.000 Yeah.

00:29:40.000 Sitting on a comfy thing.

00:29:41.000 Of course, everywhere you go in America, there's fucking fat people everywhere, obese losers.

00:29:46.000 I'm starting to hate them more and more every day.

00:29:48.000 I saw this couple.

00:29:49.000 It was actually at the loony bin previous to that.

00:29:52.000 She had short gray hair on.

00:29:53.000 She's a big fat pig, under armor, camo pants, little stupid reading glasses, big fat tub of shit. 1.00

00:30:01.000 And she looked just like her three giant fat sons.

00:30:04.000 Her sons weren't so fat, actually.

00:30:05.000 They're probably farmers.

00:30:07.000 And then her big, huge dad.

00:30:08.000 I mean, sorry, husband.

00:30:09.000 But I'm like, there's nothing remotely feminine about you. 0.57

00:30:13.000 Is that?

00:30:13.000 So you're in a gay relationship.

00:30:16.000 If the only thing that's a woman like you is your genalia and you look exactly like my hunting buddy, aren't you in basically a gay relationship? 0.92

00:30:27.000 Anyway, sorry.

00:30:28.000 Next pick.

00:30:30.000 Is this fun or boring?

00:30:31.000 It's cool.

00:30:32.000 Because I wanted to know, Ed, about the trip.

00:30:35.000 Oh, this was interesting.

00:30:36.000 This was where they put loonies, right?

00:30:39.000 And this is supposed to be, oh, so shockingly cruel.

00:30:41.000 This is twice the size of Tommy Robinson's cell.

00:30:44.000 Wow.

00:30:45.000 So we've become more barbaric.

00:30:47.000 He had a window.

00:30:48.000 Well, yeah, he had a window sometimes.

00:30:50.000 No, I don't think he did.

00:30:51.000 The first time he went, he had a window.

00:30:52.000 And then the second time he didn't?

00:30:54.000 Right, right.

00:30:55.000 So I'm going to send that to Tommy and just go, this is our barbaric history in 1773 where we put the mentally ill. 0.91

00:31:02.000 We don't even have looney bins anymore.

00:31:03.000 We just have 60,000 homeless people wandering the streets of Manhattan outside right now.

00:31:11.000 That's a big fancy meal we had where they give you basically a tablecloth because no one would wash.

00:31:17.000 So you didn't want to get any shit on your shirt or you were fucked. 0.66

00:31:21.000 Next.

00:31:25.000 Oh, that's my wife and I on a carriage thing.

00:31:27.000 This was weird.

00:31:28.000 So we're on the thing and then we're galloping around.

00:31:33.000 That's enough for that one.

00:31:35.000 And there's this wench, this slave, I guess she was, right? 1.00

00:31:39.000 She says to the guy, the guy, the driving our carriage was black, and she goes, she sees him and us, and she says, she's got on her little bonnet and everything and her little, you know, they wear like 50 skirts, dresses and frocks.

00:31:54.000 And she says, good day, good day to you.

00:31:57.000 And he goes, good day.

00:31:58.000 And then she does like a curtsy and skips away. 0.95

00:32:02.000 Like, are you in character?

00:32:04.000 No, right?

00:32:06.000 Is that break of character?

00:32:08.000 There's people with Patagonias walking around everywhere.

00:32:11.000 Why bother?

00:32:12.000 Oh, it's like a Renaissance fair type nerd.

00:32:14.000 I guess.

00:32:15.000 I mean, she worked there, but I don't understand what she was doing.

00:32:19.000 Because the others weren't really in character.

00:32:21.000 And I said to the guy, I go, have you ever had a relationship with anyone here?

00:32:24.000 Because it looked like they had a thing.

00:32:26.000 And he goes, nope.

00:32:27.000 And I said, if you did, would you be in character the whole time?

00:32:30.000 And he goes, I'm not in character right now.

00:32:33.000 This is me.

00:32:34.000 Oh, well, he wasn't.

00:32:35.000 And then he started saying so much bullshit.

00:32:37.000 The older I get, the more I realize that no one knows what the fuck they're talking about.

00:32:40.000 So I said to him, What exactly was the dominant religion with this group back then?

00:32:44.000 He goes, Oh, you had it all.

00:32:46.000 You know, no, you didn't.

00:32:47.000 What?

00:32:48.000 I think they were Episcopalian.

00:32:50.000 You had it all.

00:32:51.000 It was the Church of England, right?

00:32:52.000 Whatever they're called now.

00:32:54.000 Presbyterian?

00:32:55.000 Yeah, that could be it.

00:32:56.000 I said, that was like 90% of them dude.

00:32:58.000 And he goes, oh, you had, you know, you had slaves.

00:33:00.000 They were Muslims.

00:33:02.000 What?

00:33:04.000 Slave traders were Muslims, but they stayed in North Africa.

00:33:08.000 African slaves were into like voodoo shit. 1.00

00:33:11.000 They weren't Muslims. 0.99

00:33:12.000 It was like tribal kind of.

00:33:14.000 And then he said this stinker.

00:33:15.000 He goes, and a lot of people, you know, they weren't religious when they were younger, but they became religious as they got older, wondering what's going to happen to them.

00:33:23.000 You know, they'd start going to church as they got older.

00:33:26.000 You mean like everyone on earth?

00:33:27.000 What are you talking about?

00:33:28.000 That's not unique to 1609 in England.

00:33:31.000 You're just like shooting your mouth off.

00:33:34.000 And then we started talking about prices and the price of things.

00:33:38.000 That interests me.

00:33:39.000 Like you'd basically, I think an annual salary was, I want to say 50 bucks.

00:33:46.000 I can't remember, something like that.

00:33:48.000 So we're learning what's, and he says, well, things are worth what you're going to pay for them.

00:33:51.000 Like my dad had a Dotson Z20.

00:33:54.000 Look this car up.

00:33:56.000 And some car dealer, some car collector wanted it so bad.

00:34:00.000 And he'd make my dad all these offers.

00:34:03.000 And my dad would say, wait, what did you look up?

00:34:06.000 Z20?

00:34:07.000 Z20, right?

00:34:08.000 Yeah.

00:34:08.000 Maybe it's a Z40.

00:34:09.000 I saw one in the first thing you did.

00:34:11.000 It's the orange thing.

00:34:12.000 Z240.

00:34:13.000 Z240.

00:34:14.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:34:16.000 So they offered him money, and he said, you better add some zeros to that.

00:34:19.000 And, you know, the reaction is, ha ha, my dad, he doesn't take any shit from nobody.

00:34:23.000 And I looked it up later.

00:34:26.000 The guy had offered him $48,000 for this car.

00:34:30.000 I looked it up.

00:34:31.000 It's worth $28,000 on a good day.

00:34:34.000 And his dad's like, no, thanks.

00:34:35.000 Add some zeros.

00:34:36.000 You mean 2.8 million?

00:34:39.000 Yeah, good point.

00:34:39.000 Wow.

00:34:41.000 What are you talking about?

00:34:41.000 Your dad's imbecile.

00:34:44.000 Your dad sucks.

00:34:47.000 He could have sold it and bought two Datsun Z240s.

00:34:51.000 Yeah, that's a Datsun and your adult's son.

00:34:55.000 That son and that dad don't know what the fuck they talking about.

00:34:59.000 How dare you?

00:35:02.000 I love him so much.

00:35:03.000 All right, we got to get to this guy who sent 40K to UQ, but let's quickly go through the posters.

00:35:09.000 Was that your target?

00:35:10.000 Yeah.

00:35:10.000 Nice.

00:35:11.000 That set of seven shots, dude.

00:35:12.000 Oh, so three on the thing, two on the cardboard, one, two, three.

00:35:17.000 That's two just gone.

00:35:18.000 Yeah, totally off the thing.

00:35:21.000 What's next?

00:35:22.000 And why is your phone on?

00:35:23.000 Oh, no, that's in my backpack.

00:35:27.000 Next pick, please.

00:35:28.000 Okay.

00:35:29.000 You are recording this show, right?

00:35:31.000 Yes.

00:35:32.000 Oh, I stopped in DC and we went to the zoo where sometimes black people in DC, their accent is so thick you have trouble understanding them. 1.00

00:35:40.000 Like, well, y'all get all that, get ah, that thing.

00:35:43.000 Racking and cracking and such a like.

00:35:46.000 And so I go up there and I go, at night, the zoo is all lit up.

00:35:50.000 It has lights.

00:35:51.000 And I go, I'm here to see lights.

00:35:53.000 And she goes, what lights?

00:35:56.000 We're standing in an area where every tree is blinding because it has so many fucking lights on it.

00:36:04.000 So me and the guy I was with, this DHS guy, every time we'd see another giant sculpture, we'd both go, what lights?

00:36:13.000 What lights?

00:36:15.000 What lights?

00:36:17.000 You want to hear about him though, dude?

00:36:18.000 Yeah.

00:36:19.000 Fired from the DHS for Googling Proud Boys.

00:36:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:24.000 That's craziness.

00:36:24.000 And you know what he was working on when they fired him?

00:36:28.000 Code for catching school shooters, or sorry, mass shooters.

00:36:33.000 So some sort of thing that can comb through the internet, the Matrix, and when it sees like fucking shoot up, school, I'm going to, gun, I'm kill, anything that kind of combination, then it pounces on it, checks, validates it, sees if it's just someone fucking around or if it's a credible threat.

00:36:52.000 No, you don't need that guy.

00:36:54.000 Get rid of him.

00:36:55.000 He Googled something.

00:36:56.000 Meanwhile, meanwhile, jihadists, come on in.

00:37:02.000 NYPD.

00:37:03.000 Oh, she was radicalized.

00:37:05.000 Where are the journalists, by the way?

00:37:07.000 I keep hearing these stories from cops, and they're never reported on.

00:37:09.000 I want to hear more about this jihadist cop who was radicalized and then said, I'm not radical anymore.

00:37:15.000 And it's still fucking working there.

00:37:17.000 Insane.

00:37:19.000 They're making us all less safe, really.

00:37:21.000 Imagine he was like, you know, I'm a Nazi.

00:37:25.000 And then he's like, I'm not a Nazi anymore.

00:37:27.000 Yeah.

00:37:27.000 He'd be banished from the earth.

00:37:29.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:33.000 He looked up something.

00:37:36.000 He never said, I'm a member of the Prowboys, any of that.

00:37:38.000 Could have been researched for his project.

00:37:39.000 He could have been insinuating that there's some sort of link there between.

00:37:42.000 Well, I think the problem is he looked it up, and then he also looked up.

00:37:46.000 I wonder if I should be a member.

00:37:47.000 So I think he looked up like membership, Virginia, if that's allowed.

00:37:52.000 Maybe he's just curious.

00:37:53.000 So much, so much that he could have just been like, that's just not enough to make somebody fired.

00:37:53.000 That's it.

00:38:00.000 I was doing research.

00:38:01.000 I was asking how to join because I'm curious how they joined.

00:38:04.000 Of course, yes.

00:38:06.000 Let's breathe through these pictures.

00:38:07.000 I think I'm boring the staff.

00:38:09.000 The staff?

00:38:10.000 You work there?

00:38:12.000 Oh, swords were a big part of the revolution.

00:38:14.000 I didn't know that.

00:38:15.000 I didn't either.

00:38:16.000 I want to get one now.

00:38:18.000 That's, of course, the, what do you call that?

00:38:19.000 A bayonet?

00:38:20.000 Yes.

00:38:23.000 A lot of this was hand-to-hand combat.

00:38:25.000 That's a typical house back then.

00:38:27.000 Yeah, awesome.

00:38:27.000 It's kind of cool.

00:38:28.000 You can rent them.

00:38:29.000 What?

00:38:30.000 And fuck, there's one that's just for fucking called the Romance House.

00:38:30.000 You can rent them.

00:38:34.000 You're kidding.

00:38:35.000 Wow.

00:38:35.000 Nope.

00:38:36.000 For honeymoons.

00:38:37.000 This is weird.

00:38:39.000 I had a few run-ins with people, always positive.

00:38:42.000 Hey, can I get a selfie?

00:38:43.000 This guy takes a selfie with me, and then he puts it up on Reddit, but he blocks out his face.

00:38:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:49.000 So how much pointless of a picture is that?

00:38:51.000 That's who he is, the anti-feminist.

00:38:55.000 So, yeah, he doesn't, he talk about be brave, get fired, get in trouble.

00:39:01.000 He's out there fighting the good fight online.

00:39:04.000 Is that it?

00:39:05.000 Oh, this was funny.

00:39:06.000 There's little my youngest in the stockades.

00:39:12.000 And You know what's the thing about the stockades?

00:39:13.000 So you're there, you're being humiliated.

00:39:16.000 People throw rotten fruit at you and stuff, right?

00:39:18.000 And then you must see them the next day.

00:39:22.000 Oh, wow.

00:39:23.000 Yeah.

00:39:24.000 Could be your pictures.

00:39:26.000 There's personal ones in there I didn't mean to send you.

00:39:29.000 Yeah.

00:39:29.000 She must be like...

00:39:32.000 Oh, hey.

00:39:34.000 Yeah, you really got to...

00:39:34.000 Nice arm.

00:39:39.000 Well, I mean, it's a stockade, so you have to have fruit thrown at you.

00:39:44.000 Yeah, I know.

00:39:45.000 Just didn't think it would be you.

00:39:47.000 You were at my wedding, dude.

00:39:49.000 Yeah, he does the Megan McCain.

00:39:50.000 Yeah, well, you know.

00:39:52.000 You did steal some sundries.

00:39:55.000 No, you didn't come to the pub with me because you said you were tired after work.

00:39:58.000 I mean, that was after work where you threw it.

00:40:01.000 A lot of vitality.

00:40:02.000 Yeah, you really nailed me fucking hard.

00:40:04.000 A lot of pep.

00:40:05.000 And I don't know if you know this, but the rotten tomatoes are one thing.

00:40:08.000 The eggs kill.

00:40:10.000 The eggs feel like rocks when they hit, especially in the eyes.

00:40:14.000 And then it sticks to my skin.

00:40:16.000 Yeah, and then after you hit me in the eye, you went, yes, you pumped your arms.

00:40:20.000 What was this?

00:40:21.000 And what was with the high fiving with your wife?

00:40:23.000 You guys aren't coming over for dinner anymore.

00:40:25.000 Fuck you.

00:40:26.000 It must have sowed a lot of animosity because it's a tiny little village.

00:40:29.000 You can come over for eggs and tomatoes.

00:40:32.000 That's it.

00:40:33.000 They will be given to you at a high velocity.

00:40:35.000 You can go over for dinner and they just serve them a rotten tomato and a broken egg.

00:40:38.000 There you go.

00:40:39.000 You seem to like those a lot.

00:40:40.000 Fuckface. 1.00

00:40:41.000 Don't throw them at me.

00:40:43.000 Dirk.

00:40:44.000 All right.

00:40:45.000 Let's get to the task at hand, which is to address the saddest specimen of man that has ever been.

00:40:54.000 So we don't want to strap you to the fire and check.

00:40:59.000 Bye.

00:41:01.000 Bye.

00:41:04.000 Aloha, Maka Lekahai, Makahine-Ho.

00:41:07.000 We appear to be in Hawaii, where masculinity has ended.

00:41:11.000 It has died, and we are now watching the sad embers of what was once a raging fire in a man's chest.

00:41:19.000 This is the saddest man I've ever come across in my life.

00:41:24.000 So sad, in fact, that he's the end of man.

00:41:27.000 Man is over.

00:41:28.000 We all are responsible for this.

00:41:30.000 We are all part and parcel of this pathetic display of, I guess, cuckery.

00:41:35.000 So let's just start it.

00:41:38.000 Hey, how you doing?

00:41:39.000 Wendy, how you doing?

00:41:41.000 What's going on?

00:41:44.000 Okay, just pause.

00:41:47.000 The only way we will allow men to work at a place like this is if they're fobs, fresh off the boat. 1.00

00:41:53.000 I get it.

00:41:54.000 You just came out of a shipping container from Thailand and you don't speak the language?

00:41:59.000 Yeah, that sucks.

00:42:00.000 Sand some toes for a while until you can get a job on a construction site or something.

00:42:04.000 That's fine.

00:42:05.000 And as far as the ladies go, you're probably illegal. 1.00

00:42:08.000 You got a scam going?

00:42:08.000 Sure.

00:42:09.000 Fine, fine.

00:42:10.000 That makes sense.

00:42:11.000 But some random black dude with a bicycle helmet, he works there.

00:42:16.000 I think, this is what I think happened.

00:42:18.000 I did some research on this dude and he had an Asian girlfriend for a long ass time. 1.00

00:42:23.000 And I guess she finally clued in that she's hanging out with half her IQ and dumped him.

00:42:29.000 But then maybe he like met her there and then he started working there and now he's still stuck in that world?

00:42:35.000 Dude, you don't belong there.

00:42:40.000 I've been working as a nail technician for 15 years and I love it.

00:42:44.000 That is awesome.

00:42:45.000 That is nice.

00:42:46.000 It's a great job.

00:42:47.000 You get to meet new people, make them look beautiful.

00:42:50.000 Go ahead and take a look at that.

00:42:51.000 You get to meet new people, sand the dead skin off their heels.

00:42:55.000 Sounds great.

00:42:55.000 I johan nails about twice a month and Caesar does a really good job.

00:43:00.000 He always puts his heart into his work.

00:43:02.000 People really like to do that.

00:43:03.000 Clean out their toe jam.

00:43:04.000 It's for third world people. 1.00

00:43:05.000 It's not for American citizens. 0.87

00:43:07.000 When I tell people I do nails, they're pretty surprised.

00:43:11.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 I learned to do nails from my ex-girlfriend.

00:43:14.000 She was my high school sweetheart.

00:43:16.000 We dated for 13 years.

00:43:17.000 Pause.

00:43:18.000 You can see she's Asian, right?

00:43:21.000 I don't know what it is.

00:43:22.000 It's these lines.

00:43:24.000 They have like three lines or at least two major dips in their head.

00:43:30.000 Tell by your dips, your nips. 0.87

00:43:33.000 But still a hopeless romantic.

00:43:36.000 It's very important for me to have somebody that's my son.

00:43:39.000 How did you end up working at a nail salon? 1.00

00:43:42.000 How did you get that job?

00:43:43.000 Like, imagine they're all sitting there, barely anyone speaks English.

00:43:47.000 And then this guy comes in and's like, hey, what's up?

00:43:50.000 My name's Mark.

00:43:51.000 I just quit football.

00:43:52.000 It's really bad for my back.

00:43:53.000 I'd like to start sanding women's dead skin off their heels and cleaning up their toe jam. 1.00

00:43:58.000 Can I start?

00:43:59.000 Can I sit over there?

00:44:01.000 No, you don't come here.

00:44:02.000 Go away.

00:44:02.000 You know, go.

00:44:03.000 Go away.

00:44:04.000 You know, we don't do black men. 1.00

00:44:08.000 Somebody that I can walk the beach with, live our life basically in like a dreamland.

00:44:15.000 This is where you realize he's one of the stupidest people on earth.

00:44:18.000 Walk on a beach and live like in a dreamland.

00:44:23.000 Like I love you.

00:44:25.000 He's a Will Farrell.

00:44:27.000 Who's the other guy in Stepbrothers?

00:44:29.000 He's Steve Brule.

00:44:30.000 But who's that actor?

00:44:33.000 What the hell's his name?

00:44:35.000 John C. Reilly.

00:44:36.000 He's a John C. Reilly character.

00:44:38.000 I need to see that again.

00:44:38.000 Go back.

00:44:39.000 Live in a Wonderland?

00:44:41.000 What are you saying?

00:44:42.000 Somebody that's my soulmate.

00:44:44.000 Somebody that I can walk the beach with, live our life basically in like a dreamland.

00:44:54.000 I live my life with somebody basically like a dreamland.

00:45:00.000 Like, I love you.

00:45:02.000 What?

00:45:03.000 He speaks English as well as those illegals who just came out of the shipping container. 1.00

00:45:09.000 Like, I love you.

00:45:11.000 Oh.

00:45:12.000 See, when I was watching it and I saw that part, I just went, oh.

00:45:18.000 I felt like a brain surgeon or someone who works in neuropathology.

00:45:23.000 And this is my patient and he's in the car accident.

00:45:26.000 His vitals are fine.

00:45:27.000 And I go, I think he survived.

00:45:29.000 I mean, he's came out of the coma.

00:45:30.000 We think he's back to 100% health.

00:45:32.000 And then he goes, like a dreamland, like I love you.

00:45:36.000 Oh, yeah, we're going to have to do another CAT scan.

00:45:39.000 We definitely have some serious damage here.

00:45:42.000 Seriously.

00:45:43.000 I think it gets worse.

00:45:45.000 Found the one woman that I've been searching for all my life.

00:45:49.000 Oh, a 10.

00:45:50.000 Her name is Maria.

00:45:51.000 She's 28 years old.

00:45:52.000 With huge tips.

00:45:56.000 We met on Anastasia Day.

00:46:00.000 This guy is a fat schlub, right? 1.00

00:46:03.000 And look at his face.

00:46:04.000 He's got a scar.

00:46:05.000 I don't know what he is.

00:46:06.000 I guess there's status with being black.

00:46:09.000 Lots of white girls want to get with a black guy. 1.00

00:46:12.000 So that elevates him a little bit more than, say, me.

00:46:15.000 So this guy is my league, though, looks-wise.

00:46:18.000 But I would say he's, well, he's technically, logistically, non-racially, he's a five.

00:46:24.000 But I think maybe with like the culture and if he played up his blackness and was like, yo, what's up?

00:46:30.000 He could maybe get up to a six.

00:46:32.000 That woman, eight feels cruel.

00:46:35.000 She's close to a nine. 0.93

00:46:37.000 She's an eight point. 0.66

00:46:37.000 It's not my cup of tea, blondes with big tits, but she's an 8.8. 0.66

00:46:41.000 Do you see the problem there with the math, my friend?

00:46:45.000 And she's, what, 22?

00:46:48.000 He's like 48.

00:46:51.000 Americans and Ukrainian women to meet each other for a small price. 0.95

00:46:55.000 Small price.

00:46:57.000 Anastasia Date has a unique system.

00:47:01.000 Dude, we got to join this.

00:47:02.000 You could buy flowers, candy.

00:47:05.000 Then it's up to the girl whether she wants to respond.

00:47:08.000 This is the card and the flowers that I sent her with my email.

00:47:12.000 So this is proof that he's corresponding with her, right?

00:47:15.000 Because it's an email.

00:47:16.000 That could easily be Photoshopped.

00:47:18.000 It actually does look pretty like she could be holding up a blank piece of paper right now, and they just sit there showing different emails in Photoshop.

00:47:27.000 Holy shit.

00:47:28.000 We should join this, buy her these.

00:47:31.000 I think these are 400 bucks, unfortunately.

00:47:34.000 And then see, can I see her holding an email and see if it's the same picture with our email?

00:47:39.000 Poor bastard.

00:47:42.000 Go pick up a fob.

00:47:44.000 Come right next to you.

00:47:45.000 $450.

00:47:47.000 Wait, he just said that was $400.

00:47:48.000 Oh, this is our favorite part.

00:47:50.000 This is the best part ever.

00:47:52.000 So he just said $450.

00:47:54.000 The cameraman goes from focusing on that to focusing, and he catches his eyes right when he has a brief moment of realization, I am a fucking idiot.

00:48:05.000 The cameraman who did this deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, and I will happily blow him.

00:48:11.000 Hey, cameraman, who did this?

00:48:12.000 If you're gay, I'm not, but I will blow you for what you just did because it's the greatest piece of camera work ever. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Scorsese, eat your heart out.

00:48:21.000 This is better than the, what's his name, who did the shining look like a Kubrick, a handheld cam in a backyard wrestling camera.

00:48:31.000 Eat your heart out, Kubrick.

00:48:33.000 Kubrick.

00:48:34.000 This cost me $450.

00:48:42.000 I'm watching that 900 times.

00:48:44.000 I don't care if you cancel your subscription.

00:48:46.000 We're going to be here for about a day, folks.

00:48:48.000 $50.

00:48:52.000 I am a fucking idiot.

00:48:54.000 Sometimes you need a camera on you to realize how useless you are.

00:48:58.000 I realize it every day.

00:49:01.000 But wow.

00:49:06.000 And then she emailed me back and there was immediate sparks.

00:49:09.000 Immediate sparks.

00:49:10.000 Yeah, it was like firecrackers and everything were just booming off.

00:49:14.000 She's kind.

00:49:15.000 Firecrackers and everything were just booming off.

00:49:18.000 Like a fairyland.

00:49:19.000 Like, I love you.

00:49:21.000 I mean, he talks like my six-year-old.

00:49:23.000 I mean, she's smart, funny.

00:49:26.000 She makes me feel special.

00:49:28.000 Does he have nail polish on?

00:49:30.000 Maybe that could be like a blood blister.

00:49:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:30.000 What is that?

00:49:33.000 Maybe he's trying to open a can with a hammer and bashed his thumb.

00:49:38.000 That's how he eats.

00:49:39.000 He just smashes cans open and goes, wow, she sent you pictures.

00:49:45.000 My soulmate.

00:49:47.000 My soulmate.

00:49:50.000 Hey, baby, I hope you had a lovely day.

00:49:51.000 Maria and I can't wait every single day.

00:49:54.000 I love you, my man.

00:49:56.000 She's giving me pet names like Big Daddy, my husband.

00:50:00.000 I can't wait to be with you.

00:50:02.000 Love you, my husband.

00:50:04.000 Do you think she's sending those videos to anyone else?

00:50:10.000 I hope she's not sending those videos.

00:50:12.000 This has never occurred to him.

00:50:15.000 This is the kind of the saddest part of the whole video.

00:50:17.000 That it's never occurred to him once that he's getting hustled.

00:50:21.000 He saw the email, he saw the woman holding it, and he just thought, well, there's proof.

00:50:26.000 I'm never doubting anything again from my soulmate.

00:50:29.000 Like, I love you.

00:50:31.000 Videos to anyone else.

00:50:33.000 Does she ever say your name?

00:50:39.000 We got to see that again.

00:50:42.000 Just right now.

00:50:47.000 It's just right now occurred to him that she's never said his name.

00:50:53.000 And they could all be my husband, baby, sweetie.

00:50:59.000 Hi, person who just sent money that I love.

00:51:02.000 I can't wait to be with you.

00:51:04.000 And we're going to find out, by the way, how many times they've been together.

00:51:08.000 Does she ever say your name?

00:51:11.000 Oh, shit.

00:51:16.000 Oh, my baby.

00:51:17.000 That must be me.

00:51:18.000 She calls me my baby.

00:51:20.000 That's what she calls him.

00:51:21.000 She's my soulmate.

00:51:23.000 We're in love.

00:51:24.000 Like a fairyland.

00:51:25.000 Booming.

00:51:26.000 The firecrackers are going up.

00:51:28.000 Like, I love you.

00:51:30.000 I'm going to meet her maybe in Mexico.

00:51:34.000 It's really expensive.

00:51:35.000 Anyway, we'll get to that.

00:51:36.000 Baby, hi.

00:51:38.000 I just want to tell you that I love you and I need you.

00:51:40.000 Tell who?

00:51:41.000 So we're finally going to get to meet in person.

00:51:44.000 Oh, good.

00:51:45.000 Okay.

00:51:46.000 Sorry.

00:51:46.000 I will eat crow.

00:51:47.000 I was being a little arrogant, calling you a naive fool.

00:51:52.000 I didn't realize that you guys are going to meet soon.

00:51:55.000 Okay, sorry.

00:51:56.000 I'm going to fly to Ukraine, and I'm really excited.

00:52:01.000 That's going to be great.

00:52:02.000 Okay, sorry, I guess we'll delete this.

00:52:04.000 Here, let me just fucking flakes off so I can use it as parmesan cheese on my food.

00:52:11.000 Marie and I, we've been dating for five years, and we've been talking about marriage for a long time.

00:52:16.000 Why haven't you ever met her in person?

00:52:18.000 Well, because they've been dating for five years.

00:52:22.000 He doesn't even have phone sex with her.

00:52:25.000 I mean, if he was masturbating to her and she was showing her boobies or whatever on the video, I'd think that was pathetic and sad.

00:52:32.000 But he's not even close to getting there.

00:52:34.000 All he does is send her his hard-earned check, and it is hard earnings, in exchange for one of 10,000.

00:52:42.000 I love you, baby.

00:52:44.000 I mean, I don't like, I'm an economic nationalist.

00:52:47.000 I don't like other countries making money off us.

00:52:49.000 But outside of the country transaction, the overseas, like if someone in America was doing this, I'd say power to you.

00:52:56.000 A fool and his money are soon parted.

00:52:58.000 Fine.

00:52:59.000 It's like Sean King.

00:53:00.000 I just go, great hustle, Sean.

00:53:02.000 You're doing an excellent job.

00:53:03.000 You're a great criminal.

00:53:05.000 Me to save up the money to do that.

00:53:07.000 She's a receptionist. 1.00

00:53:08.000 She's not getting paid that much, so I'm trying to at least help her and send her money.

00:53:12.000 Like a lot.

00:53:13.000 I give her probably about like $800 a month.

00:53:21.000 The American dollar goes a long way in Ukraine.

00:53:24.000 She needs to buy clothes for herself. 0.98

00:53:26.000 She needs to pay for the cable, internet. 1.00

00:53:29.000 So every time I get a patient, over the years, I've sent $40,000 to Maria.

00:53:37.000 Goodbye, men.

00:53:39.000 Goodbye, masculinity.

00:53:40.000 You know how we always say on this show that the police force, the job is done.

00:53:44.000 Cops are over.

00:53:45.000 I think men are over. 0.67

00:53:47.000 Thanks a lot.

00:53:47.000 You just killed my entire gender.

00:53:52.000 When are you going?

00:53:53.000 I'm going to try to go in a couple weeks.

00:53:53.000 40.

00:53:55.000 Oh, a couple weeks.

00:53:56.000 It's just really fishy to me.

00:53:59.000 I feel like she's feeding him lies.

00:54:01.000 When?

00:54:01.000 I don't want to see him get hurt.

00:54:02.000 He's a really nice guy.

00:54:04.000 Yeah.

00:54:05.000 I'm like overboard excited to go meet her.

00:54:08.000 It's going to be everything I dreamed of.

00:54:12.000 Everything is writing on this.

00:54:12.000 What?

00:54:14.000 He's like a kid.

00:54:15.000 I've invested my savings.

00:54:16.000 These grocery pick feeder.

00:54:20.000 Is that a giant's thumb?

00:54:22.000 Ugh.

00:54:23.000 So pale and wet, and he's sitting there.

00:54:26.000 Oh, well, it's worth it to send all the money to my aide in Ukraine, who I'm going to be with.

00:54:30.000 Imagine he just, in his mind, he's going to get off the plane.

00:54:33.000 I love you and my husband.

00:54:35.000 And then we make love all night and then go for a walk on the beach and we laugh and giggle and eat ice cream in bed and watch movies.

00:54:42.000 This is called Ghostbusters.

00:54:44.000 It was a big hit in the 80s.

00:54:45.000 They did a remake.

00:54:46.000 We'll watch that too.

00:54:49.000 Laughing, skipping.

00:54:51.000 Meanwhile, she's just like doing Coke with some big fat Coke dealer who has a zip-up tracksuit and she's blowing him while he watches TV. 1.00

00:55:02.000 And then she gets wasted and throws up and he's so drunk that he falls asleep on the floor and diarrhea himself.

00:55:08.000 And then she kicks him and is screaming at him and makes him send out more money. 0.99

00:55:13.000 Say like, I love you, hubby.

00:55:15.000 I'll send it to like your top 300 guys and we'll get some more money.

00:55:18.000 Then we can go over to Budapest and do some MDMA at my friend's Rave.

00:55:24.000 Seven days a week, it's gotta work.

00:55:28.000 I just feel in my blood that it's gonna work.

00:55:30.000 Your blood's light.

00:55:31.000 I just can't get her off my mind.

00:55:32.000 Your blood's light.

00:55:34.000 I hope it works out the way hope does.

00:55:36.000 Yeah, I hope so too.

00:55:37.000 And I feel it in my bones.

00:55:39.000 No one says, I'm feeling pretty good about this.

00:55:42.000 My blood's feeling like it's gonna happen.

00:55:44.000 Your blood?

00:55:47.000 Oh, I got a real chill in my blood today.

00:55:49.000 It's cold out.

00:55:50.000 Hey, babe.

00:55:51.000 Here we go.

00:55:52.000 How you doing?

00:55:52.000 How's your day?

00:55:53.000 Okay, Angel.

00:55:55.000 Pretty good.

00:55:56.000 She's so hungover.

00:55:57.000 I missed you.

00:55:58.000 She doesn't even know who this is.

00:56:01.000 I love you.

00:56:03.000 I love you, too.

00:56:04.000 I love you too.

00:56:05.000 I still think that we should do Ukraine.

00:56:09.000 Oh, this again.

00:56:11.000 We can get like a nice little cheap hotel and we can go drink some coffee and we can sit.

00:56:16.000 Did she just laugh?

00:56:17.000 I was going...

00:56:19.000 Oh, no, I think...

00:56:22.000 Okay, go back.

00:56:24.000 We should do Ukraine. 0.54

00:56:27.000 We can get like a nice little cheap hotel and we can go drink some coffee.

00:56:32.000 You're right.

00:56:34.000 She just went.

00:56:35.000 And I'm trying to hold it back, laugh.

00:56:37.000 That's so messed up, man.

00:56:40.000 Here it comes.

00:56:42.000 We can get like a nice little cheap hotel and we can go drink some coffee.

00:56:47.000 Or she's snorting Coke off the fat guys. 1.00

00:56:50.000 Yeah.

00:56:52.000 She's clearing the drip.

00:56:54.000 She's just on a speakerphone and she's been putting on her makeup, doing lines.

00:57:02.000 And we can sit there and chat with your friends because, you know, I've always seen all your friends online.

00:57:08.000 I haven't really, you know, to be able to visit your family and get to learn a little bit about your culture there.

00:57:16.000 I think it's a good idea, but no, it's really cold.

00:57:21.000 Now it's cold and it will be difficult, you know, to walk on the street, like to show my city.

00:57:28.000 Just pause.

00:57:29.000 Remember he was sitting talking to that woman that is his client?

00:57:33.000 And he was like, I am like overboard excited.

00:57:36.000 So you're overboard excited about something you haven't bought a ticket for or the person you're visiting hasn't confirmed either.

00:57:44.000 Like this guy is fucking hopeless.

00:57:51.000 We're his friends, by the way.

00:57:53.000 Like your friends should be making fun of you right now.

00:57:57.000 Laughing their heads off at you.

00:57:59.000 If he had friends, he would not have that blanket.

00:58:02.000 Yeah, his friends would tease that blanket out of his house.

00:58:05.000 I hate his little bike with his helmet there.

00:58:07.000 And yeah, this is why men should not live in Hawaii.

00:58:11.000 You need a place with lots of pubs.

00:58:13.000 You need to go to bars a lot.

00:58:14.000 You need to have your circle of friends.

00:58:16.000 Like I have my little happy hour entourage.

00:58:20.000 And if I said to the janitor Dennis one day, hey man, I've sent 40 grand to Ukraine.

00:58:28.000 He'd go, are you out of your fucking mind?

00:58:32.000 And then he'd say, Gary, get over here.

00:58:34.000 You got to hear this.

00:58:35.000 So what happened again?

00:58:37.000 Well, I sent her flowers, you know, like I love you.

00:58:40.000 What?

00:58:41.000 Like I love you?

00:58:42.000 That's not a sentence.

00:58:44.000 What are you talking about?

00:58:45.000 How much of those flowers you sent?

00:58:47.000 Well, they're not that bad.

00:58:48.000 First of all, guys, simmer down a little bit here.

00:58:51.000 You're coming at me kind of hard.

00:58:52.000 I spent $450 on flowers and chocolates.

00:58:57.000 What?

00:58:58.000 Flowers are 20, maybe 50 bucks.

00:59:01.000 And chocolates, it's just garbage.

00:59:04.000 It's Halloween stuff.

00:59:05.000 In the fanciest box, maybe, maybe you could get up to like fucking 60 bucks for both combined.

00:59:11.000 450 bucks in Ukraine?

00:59:14.000 Where there's chocolates and flowers all over the ground?

00:59:17.000 It's a shithole communist country.

00:59:20.000 Yeah, I guess I never thought of it like that.

00:59:23.000 It is a lot of money, isn't it?

00:59:24.000 Please don't tell me you've been doing this regularly.

00:59:27.000 Yeah, kind of.

00:59:28.000 Oh my.

00:59:30.000 Jesus.

00:59:31.000 Guys, get over here. 0.98

00:59:32.000 You got to hear this fucking clown.

00:59:34.000 Dude, and it would be loving, you know?

00:59:35.000 Like, even the other day, Dennis showed me his wallet and he keeps his change in his wallet.

00:59:40.000 And me and the bartender are like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:59:44.000 Your wallet is a sphere.

00:59:46.000 It's supposed to be flat.

00:59:48.000 And he goes, well, what do you do with change?

00:59:49.000 I go, throw it away.

00:59:51.000 Or you put it in your pocket with your keys.

00:59:53.000 You don't have like 340 in quarters and dimes rammed into some dumb pouch in your wallet.

01:00:01.000 And get rid of all these receipts.

01:00:02.000 What are you doing with all these receipts?

01:00:04.000 And this was not a big deal.

01:00:06.000 He had a bad wallet etiquette.

01:00:08.000 And we fixed it.

01:00:09.000 This, I think this is irreparable.

01:00:13.000 I mean, this is making me think all of mankind has to pack up and go home.

01:00:18.000 We've lost one of our guys.

01:00:20.000 I think it's better for both of us to relax in some nice and beautiful place, like to Mexico.

01:00:29.000 Right now I'm starting to worry because this isn't the first time that I try to meet up with Maria.

01:00:35.000 Over the past five years, me and Maria, we try to meet up over three different occasions.

01:00:42.000 The first time, the travel agency, they took half of her money.

01:00:47.000 The second time...

01:00:53.000 So I'm assuming there's a big, fat, Tony Soprano type dude handling all this.

01:00:57.000 But it's possible she's just a great con artist.

01:01:00.000 No, no, no.

01:01:01.000 Anastasia, the website is definitely run by Russian mobsters. 0.93

01:01:04.000 Definitely.

01:01:06.000 Don't sue me, Anastasia, but that sounds, that's my theory.

01:01:10.000 And she's just a Patsy.

01:01:12.000 I don't see her being this.

01:01:13.000 She's too pretty to be that smart. 1.00

01:01:15.000 But you know what happened with that first one?

01:01:18.000 They took half her money.

01:01:19.000 He sent her money, and then she just took it, put it in her pocket, and said, the travel agent ripped me off.

01:01:25.000 Took half my money.

01:01:26.000 Can you believe that shit?

01:01:27.000 I can't come.

01:01:29.000 So that was an easy grift.

01:01:30.000 What's the next one?

01:01:31.000 Said that she missed the flight.

01:01:34.000 So the second time she missed the flight.

01:01:36.000 And as you know, when you miss a flight, the flight is canceled.

01:01:39.000 And you can never get on a plane ever again.

01:01:42.000 There's no such thing as getting the next flight.

01:01:45.000 I wonder if he was reimbursed for that.

01:01:48.000 Nope.

01:01:49.000 The third time she was missing something on her passport.

01:01:53.000 I have no idea what it was.

01:01:54.000 Yeah, a person.

01:01:57.000 Sorry, ma'am.

01:01:58.000 You can't come through.

01:01:59.000 Why?

01:01:59.000 Is it my passport?

01:02:00.000 No, you're not here.

01:02:03.000 You have to be present.

01:02:05.000 You need a human being standing here to get on the plane.

01:02:08.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

01:02:09.000 That's a passport issue.

01:02:11.000 No, it's not really a passport issue.

01:02:12.000 It's a physics thing.

01:02:14.000 You have to exist in order to get on the plane.

01:02:16.000 Okay, well, now I know.

01:02:19.000 Her passport.

01:02:20.000 For everything.

01:02:22.000 On her passport, I have no idea what it was.

01:02:24.000 She left for me at her.

01:02:27.000 I just want to see her in real life because that's a part of my life that I'm missing.

01:02:32.000 Dude, can I just explain to you that we all want to fuck her? 1.00

01:02:36.000 She's a beautiful, young, blonde knockout with insane tits. 1.00

01:02:41.000 We all having the same desire you're having, but we're adults and we go, I like that.

01:02:46.000 That seems great.

01:02:47.000 I can't have that.

01:02:49.000 I don't deserve that.

01:02:51.000 That's not for me.

01:02:53.000 That's for some other handsome Ukrainian man who's going to woo her and they'll have a nice life and we wish them nothing but the best.

01:03:01.000 Like, do you walk by a restaurant and see food on someone else's plate and go, hey, that looks good.

01:03:06.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, yummy.

01:03:11.000 You can't have everything that you want.

01:03:14.000 But if you try sometimes, you just might find.

01:03:18.000 You get budget.

01:03:23.000 Are you sure you don't want me to go to Ukraine?

01:03:25.000 Are you sure?

01:03:27.000 Yes, I'm sure.

01:03:28.000 It's better to do when it's nice weather.

01:03:33.000 Wow.

01:03:34.000 Then summer comes around.

01:03:35.000 It's too hot.

01:03:36.000 Now, Ukraine now is like molten lava. 0.95

01:03:40.000 You walk down, your feet stick to ground because your shoes melt.

01:03:45.000 I need new shoes.

01:03:46.000 People burst into flames.

01:03:47.000 I need you to send me fireproof ski boots.

01:03:53.000 I was planning to spend time with you at a romantic place, you know, like Mexico and enjoy each other.

01:04:00.000 No, I know.

01:04:02.000 Okay, now here's just pause.

01:04:04.000 This is one thing I don't get.

01:04:05.000 What's she doing here?

01:04:06.000 Is her plan to send me the money for the ticket to Mexico and then she can make up some story?

01:04:11.000 Or is she going to get on a plane, fly to Mexico, and then just turf him? 1.00

01:04:15.000 Just ditch him, yeah.

01:04:16.000 And then, but he'd have her itinerary.

01:04:19.000 So she'd have to say something like, oh, I have to go and get my passport renewed.

01:04:23.000 And he's like, what?

01:04:24.000 I'll come with you.

01:04:24.000 No, I have to go to the embassy because there's a problem with my passport.

01:04:28.000 And then she just goes to a resort. 0.99

01:04:29.000 Maybe.

01:04:30.000 She's got options.

01:04:31.000 I think she laughs again.

01:04:33.000 Oh, really?

01:04:34.000 And enjoy each other.

01:04:36.000 No, I know.

01:04:38.000 Babe, listen.

01:04:39.000 Wait, I think that was just a huge line.

01:04:43.000 Whoa.

01:04:45.000 Damn that.

01:04:45.000 You know, I love you.

01:04:47.000 But it's going to be tough.

01:04:48.000 You know, money's kind of tight right now.

01:04:53.000 And if we go to Mexico, I'm at least going to have to have at least like $6,000 to $7,000.

01:05:00.000 It's going to be like at least $2,000 for your plane ticket there from Ukraine to Mexico.

01:05:05.000 And then once we get to Mexico, I'm gonna have to pay for the resort and then food.

01:05:09.000 It's really gonna be hard for me to be able to pay for that.

01:05:17.000 I'll tell you what I do.

01:05:19.000 I'm gonna work harder.

01:05:21.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:05:22.000 And I'm going to, I don't know, I'm just gonna just start going to work early.

01:05:26.000 I'm gonna start doing whatever I need to do.

01:05:29.000 Problem solving.

01:05:30.000 I'll figure something out, babe.

01:05:32.000 All right?

01:05:32.000 Throw money at the problem.

01:05:33.000 You're a real man, and I love you, and I really care about you.

01:05:36.000 He's human socially.

01:05:37.000 And, you know, you're everything to me, and I just can't give up.

01:05:40.000 So I figured it out, baby.

01:05:41.000 So I love you.

01:05:42.000 I know, baby, so I love you for a real man, you know.

01:05:46.000 And I love you for it.

01:05:48.000 Okay, babe.

01:05:49.000 All right.

01:05:51.000 If he's a real man, then man is over. 0.99

01:05:54.000 And if man is over, then mankind is over.

01:05:58.000 in other words viewers we just saw the beginning of the apocalypse Let's do some Crown World shit.

01:06:17.000 I got a lot.

01:06:19.000 Oh, but you know what?

01:06:20.000 Let's look up that website.

01:06:23.000 What website?

01:06:24.000 Anastasia.

01:06:25.000 Oh, yes.

01:06:28.000 Anastasia.

01:06:30.000 I like it because it sounds like Asia, and I want a beautiful Asian wife. 0.96

01:06:36.000 Anastasia Ukraine.

01:06:36.000 No.

01:06:40.000 What should I say, wife?

01:06:41.000 Anastasia Date.

01:06:44.000 Oh, here we go.

01:06:44.000 Anastasia Ukraine.

01:06:46.000 Anastasia Date.

01:06:48.000 I am a man seeking a woman.

01:06:50.000 My name is Ryan Rivera.

01:06:53.000 Best note.

01:06:54.000 My email is Ryan.

01:06:56.000 What's your email now?

01:06:57.000 At free speech.tv.

01:07:00.000 Well, my name is Gavin.

01:07:02.000 At free speech.tv.

01:07:02.000 Hey, Kinnis.

01:07:04.000 Email.

01:07:05.000 Password.

01:07:06.000 Of course, I'll use my usual password, which is hullabaloo or the O's or zeros.

01:07:11.000 I'll go with the same.

01:07:12.000 Find my matches and save that password, please.

01:07:17.000 Sonia.

01:07:19.000 I'm going to find my matches.

01:07:21.000 30.

01:07:23.000 So I bet this is what they do.

01:07:26.000 I bet you take a chick, a hot chick, right? 1.00

01:07:30.000 Pay her $200 and she records, hi, baby.

01:07:36.000 Hi, I love you.

01:07:37.000 No, no, no, because she keeps doing it.

01:07:41.000 So she does that. 0.99

01:07:41.000 Yeah, no, no, no. 0.99

01:07:42.000 She poses with a blank piece of paper, holding flowers and stuff.

01:07:46.000 And then when he's doing all that, hi, I miss you.

01:07:50.000 It's just like some housewife. 1.00

01:07:53.000 Some like fat 60-year-old housewife is like, maybe we should go to Mexico sometime. 1.00

01:07:59.000 Wouldn't he realize that she's still on the site too and still available?

01:08:02.000 It's like, you want to change that?

01:08:03.000 Hey, notice you were still soliciting.

01:08:05.000 You have a boyfriend?

01:08:07.000 Her name was Maria.

01:08:08.000 Let's see if we could find her. 0.98

01:08:11.000 Find us, bitch. 1.00

01:08:13.000 They're all pretty hot.

01:08:14.000 They're all identical.

01:08:16.000 Angela's old, 43?

01:08:17.000 I can get a 43-year-old in Manhattan, bitch. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Who do I like best?

01:08:23.000 I don't think I could marry a woman with an accent. 1.00

01:08:26.000 Like, imagine you're in bed after 15 years with a woman. 0.92

01:08:31.000 She's like, so are you going to take your son to basketball?

01:08:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:08:37.000 Can you shut up?

01:08:38.000 Stop massacring the English language every time you open your fucking mouth.

01:08:43.000 Oh, Natalia.

01:08:45.000 Who do I like here?

01:08:46.000 I'm actually seriously looking for a mate now.

01:08:50.000 Oh, it's a feud dog.

01:08:51.000 This might be the same Maria.

01:08:52.000 Oh, Natalia.

01:08:53.000 I like her.

01:08:55.000 You think you found her?

01:08:56.000 No, no, no,'cause she's 27 and the other one was 28. 1.00

01:09:00.000 Well, they don't save your spot when you're This isn't a very good programming.

01:09:07.000 Are you showing the girls?

01:09:12.000 Your site looks totally different than mine.

01:09:14.000 Look at mine.

01:09:16.000 Oh, yeah, yours is bigger and maybe ad-blocked.

01:09:20.000 And I'm also on the Brave browser.

01:09:22.000 Oh, I'm on Chrome.

01:09:22.000 Yeah, I'm on the Brief.

01:09:24.000 Why am I on Chrome?

01:09:28.000 Okay, so I've found one I liked.

01:09:30.000 There's just infinite girls here. 1.00

01:09:32.000 There's too many.

01:09:33.000 Yeah, there's millions.

01:09:35.000 It's making women seem disposable and interchangeable. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Okay, I found one I like.

01:09:40.000 You want to type in her profile?

01:09:41.000 Sure.

01:09:42.000 What's her profile number?

01:09:44.000 205-2285.

01:09:47.000 205-2285.

01:09:49.000 Melt her heart. 0.78

01:09:51.000 Send flowers.

01:09:52.000 I don't want to melt her heart.

01:09:53.000 She'd be dead.

01:09:55.000 Live chat.

01:09:56.000 Cam Share.

01:09:57.000 Ooh, Cam Share.

01:09:58.000 She kind of looks like Kenny Power's girlfriend.

01:10:02.000 El Keeny.

01:10:03.000 Remember from the channel?

01:10:04.000 I want to cam share.

01:10:07.000 Level of English fluent.

01:10:07.000 Right now?

01:10:09.000 Other languages?

01:10:10.000 Yeah, right.

01:10:10.000 No.

01:10:11.000 Switch my video on.

01:10:13.000 Adobe Flash Players blocked.

01:10:14.000 Anyway, you're kidding.

01:10:15.000 We should try to set something up with that.

01:10:18.000 I'm willing to spend $150.

01:10:24.000 I'll put up $20.

01:10:25.000 Okay, let's go up to $200 and we'll see all the bullshit they must do. 1.00

01:10:29.000 Because I bet we'll buy them flowers for like $200.

01:10:32.000 And then I bet you would get email after email.

01:10:34.000 Hey, my husband, why are you...

01:10:37.000 I haven't heard from you for a long time.

01:10:40.000 I'm missing you, my husband.

01:10:42.000 The chat costs money just to chat with him.

01:10:46.000 What a fucking loser.

01:10:47.000 Yeah.

01:10:48.000 Do you think he masturbates?

01:10:49.000 Like, he's sort of underneath going.

01:10:51.000 So maybe we can go to Mexico?

01:10:53.000 Why are you shaking?

01:10:54.000 I have...

01:11:00.000 I think he has Parkinson's.

01:11:02.000 He is always shaking.

01:11:03.000 So sad.

01:11:04.000 He sends me 40,000 though.

01:11:07.000 She doesn't feel anything.

01:11:08.000 All right, let's catch up on some Clown World stuff really quickly.

01:11:15.000 I was talking about Michael Jackson earlier, wasn't I?

01:11:19.000 Yeah.

01:11:20.000 Well, I can't remember.

01:11:20.000 Yeah, the part.

01:11:21.000 Because he wouldn't want to.

01:11:22.000 Johnny Depp is so desperate after his divorce, this is 1-4, that he's Making a musical about OJ's glove.

01:11:33.000 No, just kidding.

01:11:34.000 It's Michael Jackson as told from his fucking glove for the love of a glove.

01:11:44.000 An unauthorized musical fable about the life of Michael Jackson as told by his glove is being produced by actor Johnny Depp, launching in Los Angeles in January.

01:11:55.000 Johnny Depp, you just keep getting worse and worse and worse.

01:12:00.000 You fucking loser.

01:12:02.000 You dumped your beautiful wife because you thought she was getting old, right?

01:12:07.000 What was her name?

01:12:08.000 Amber Heard.

01:12:09.000 No, dumbass.

01:12:11.000 Oh, God, you're stupid.

01:12:12.000 He thinks Amber Heard's getting old?

01:12:15.000 Maybe.

01:12:16.000 Maybe he likes him very young.

01:12:17.000 Nobody knows.

01:12:18.000 She's 24.

01:12:19.000 Oh.

01:12:20.000 Or something like that.

01:12:21.000 No, his previous wife was like a famous French icon.

01:12:26.000 Everyone loved her.

01:12:28.000 What the hell was her name?

01:12:31.000 Come on, Ryan, please.

01:12:32.000 I'm Googling.

01:12:34.000 No, that's not her.

01:12:36.000 Look how fast this takes me.

01:12:38.000 Johnny Depp first wife is Winona.

01:12:44.000 Jennifer Gray.

01:12:46.000 And there's Sherilyn Finn.

01:12:48.000 Winona Ryder.

01:12:48.000 Wait a minute.

01:12:51.000 Wait a minute.

01:12:51.000 Lorianne Allison that.

01:12:52.000 I'm wrong.

01:12:53.000 Tracy Lords?

01:12:54.000 He was married to Tracy Lords?

01:12:57.000 Look, there's a this this people are tuning into the show and just watching us fucking learn about depth. 0.63

01:13:03.000 You look at shit on the internet.

01:13:04.000 That's not good.

01:13:05.000 Tally Chanel.

01:13:06.000 No.

01:13:07.000 Juliet Lewis.

01:13:08.000 No.

01:13:09.000 Tatiana Patitz.

01:13:11.000 No.

01:13:12.000 He's had a lot of wives.

01:13:13.000 Ellen Barkin.

01:13:14.000 Kate Moss.

01:13:15.000 Naomi Campbell.

01:13:17.000 He has kids with her and shit.

01:13:19.000 Vanessa Paris.

01:13:20.000 Vanessa Paradis.

01:13:21.000 Yeah.

01:13:21.000 Finally.

01:13:22.000 Jesus.

01:13:23.000 She does look a little older.

01:13:24.000 Vanessa Paradis, beautiful woman.

01:13:27.000 You like a Paradise.

01:13:29.000 Of course, she was prettier in her day, but she's older now.

01:13:36.000 And he dumped her.

01:13:39.000 Even though she has kids.

01:13:40.000 And then he hooked up with that chick, Amber Heard.

01:13:42.000 Let me just see how old Vanessa Paradis is. 1.00

01:13:46.000 She's pretty ghoulish. 1.00

01:13:47.000 Oh, wait, that's a bad picture of her.

01:13:49.000 That's a bad picture of anything.

01:13:51.000 There, she looks okay there.

01:13:53.000 Yeah.

01:13:54.000 So sorry, I aged.

01:13:55.000 I gave you kids.

01:13:56.000 I aged.

01:13:57.000 He dumped her for that. 0.74

01:13:58.000 He got some dumb bitch. 1.00

01:13:59.000 I did a movie with Amber Heard, actually.

01:14:01.000 And she's a child.

01:14:02.000 She's an infant.

01:14:03.000 And when girls are pretty and young, they have nothing important to say at all. 0.99

01:14:08.000 If you don't believe me, read Huffington Post or BuzzFeed.

01:14:11.000 Kissing scene with her?

01:14:13.000 No, I was her boyfriend that she had just dumped.

01:14:19.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:14:20.000 Yeah.

01:14:22.000 And so, yeah, there we are.

01:14:26.000 He dumped her. 0.57

01:14:27.000 He got his Yayas out, fucked a hot chick, and then the chick started talking, and he realized, oh my God, what have I done?

01:14:34.000 And he couldn't get Vanessa back, and that was the end of that.

01:14:37.000 So now he's divorced, hating life, drinking himself to death, and producing for the love of the glove.

01:14:43.000 The moral of the story here, folks, is don't get divorced.

01:14:48.000 Also in Clown World, Alyssa Milano doesn't understand that when people cross the border illegally, they have to wait somewhere while we process their trial or else you don't have borders.

01:15:00.000 She wants a world without borders. 0.51

01:15:02.000 And I would just love for someone to set up a computer simulation where we can see exactly how that would play out.

01:15:08.000 So when she doesn't get a borderless America, Or are all borders in the world abolished?

01:15:15.000 Does the Vatican get a wall now?

01:15:17.000 Maybe it's just America.

01:15:18.000 Just America? 0.78

01:15:19.000 Okay.

01:15:20.000 Because Canada gets away with it.

01:15:21.000 You know what America will become if there's no borders?

01:15:23.000 A fucking toilet.

01:15:25.000 It'll become a dumpster.

01:15:26.000 It'll become where all human garbage of the world is tossed asunder.

01:15:31.000 Not the shining light on the hill.

01:15:34.000 We are destroying children's lives because of fucking arbitrary lines in the sand.

01:15:44.000 Borders are arbitrary lines in the sand. 0.57

01:15:48.000 It's the history of all civilization.

01:15:51.000 We can't let this be the normal because it's not what this country is founded on.

01:16:01.000 This is not innately who we are as human beings.

01:16:07.000 We've got to take inventory of this.

01:16:12.000 Of what's happening.

01:16:12.000 What?

01:16:13.000 Take inventory of this?

01:16:14.000 What's happening?

01:16:15.000 Humanitarian crisis at the border.

01:16:19.000 We are destroying children's life.

01:16:21.000 Phew.

01:16:22.000 Isn't it draining?

01:16:23.000 Where do you start?

01:16:24.000 Yeah, where do you start with that one?

01:16:26.000 It's like when your girlfriend is acting like a lunatic, you just feel so drained.

01:16:31.000 You want to just take a nap.

01:16:32.000 It's like, I can't begin to approach that.

01:16:35.000 Also in Clown World, remember this British police chief?

01:16:39.000 This is 1.5, who had the stupidest fucking hair in the world, clearly an affirmative action hire, clearly a lesbian. 1.00

01:16:45.000 And yeah, when that is your hairdo, you dumb dyke, that's going to get mocked. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Oh, so she was rightfully ridiculed.

01:16:58.000 And she's decided that's way too mean.

01:17:01.000 Imagine, this is a cop.

01:17:03.000 This is the chief of police in your town.

01:17:07.000 This is higher than all the cops.

01:17:08.000 All the cops have to answer to her. 0.59

01:17:10.000 You're not going to.

01:17:11.000 This is London.

01:17:11.000 Remember London, the bobby?

01:17:13.000 Hello, governor.

01:17:14.000 Hello, hello.

01:17:14.000 Oh, it's the coppas with their little hat on and their billy clubs.

01:17:19.000 They were scary.

01:17:20.000 Not anymore.

01:17:21.000 Look at her.

01:17:22.000 Like that first one isn't the first, no, that's not Photoshop.

01:17:27.000 That's her fucking hair. 1.00

01:17:28.000 What'd you think we were going to do?

01:17:32.000 Deputy Chief Constable Rachel Swan left Twitter earlier this year after facing hairstyle abuse over her spiky frosted tips hairstyle and reported the insults she received as a hate crime.

01:17:45.000 Wait a minute.

01:17:46.000 Was she fire? 0.91

01:17:49.000 Did she quit Twitter or she quit her job? 0.82

01:17:52.000 The situation here at Whaley Bridge.

01:17:54.000 We've just had a community meeting, a public meeting, where I've given an update.

01:18:00.000 As you can tell if you've been looking at the reservoir, the water level continues to reduce and we will continue to pump as much water out as we can.

01:18:07.000 Quit Twitter, a big deal.

01:18:08.000 The good news that I was able to.

01:18:10.000 But reporting as a hate crime is still big clown world.

01:18:14.000 Okay, here's my favorite story, though, of Clown World: tanning your taint.

01:18:21.000 Now, there is this thing that happens when people are out in the sun.

01:18:26.000 They feel good.

01:18:28.000 It's warm to be out in the sun.

01:18:30.000 And when the sun is on your body, you go, hmm, that feels nice.

01:18:33.000 And there are physical benefits from that.

01:18:36.000 You get vitamin D from the sun.

01:18:38.000 What doesn't happen is photosynthesis.

01:18:41.000 And in our world of anti-education, people feel that goodness from the sun and they go, you know what?

01:18:48.000 That's more than just feeling good.

01:18:49.000 That's actually giving me nutrients and improving my life.

01:18:53.000 I should get this same process to happen on my taint.

01:18:58.000 Perennium sunning.

01:19:00.000 Latest insanity by wellness influencers.

01:19:05.000 If this is a joke, if this is a prank, these guys deserve the Nobel Prank Prize.

01:19:09.000 You guys are 10 seconds in.

01:19:11.000 Either touching feet or no?

01:19:11.000 How does it feel?

01:19:13.000 How does it feel?

01:19:14.000 It's warm.

01:19:14.000 Yeah.

01:19:15.000 Yeah.

01:19:15.000 And when it's breezy, I feel a breeze.

01:19:17.000 It's skin.

01:19:18.000 Perennium sunning.

01:19:20.000 We're sunning your butthole. 1.00

01:19:24.000 Medical professionals claim there's no evidence of the trends being able to provide any natural benefits.

01:19:29.000 It sounds like a case of haterade to me.

01:19:32.000 Yeah, don't sunburn your taint.

01:19:34.000 I think I sunburned my dick once and it was crippling.

01:19:37.000 It was really, really painful.

01:19:39.000 What is that, a kid?

01:19:40.000 I think it's just a dumb lady. 1.00

01:19:42.000 Is that a woman? 0.99

01:19:42.000 What? 0.99

01:19:43.000 Women don't have taints, do they? 1.00

01:19:45.000 Yeah, they got a very small amount of taint.

01:19:48.000 They have like a quarter inch of taint?

01:19:50.000 It's actually just a ridge.

01:19:50.000 About, yeah.

01:19:52.000 This show had a sketch about a taint star.

01:19:56.000 He was a porn actor and he was known for his taint.

01:19:59.000 He had the nicest taint in the business.

01:20:04.000 Mr. Taint.

01:20:08.000 So they're not the first guys to think that the sun has some magic.

01:20:14.000 Is that it?

01:20:19.000 Jay Johnson, possibly the funniest guy in the universe.

01:20:23.000 What are you showing me?

01:20:24.000 This has nothing to do with taints.

01:20:26.000 It says Mr. Show Taint.

01:20:27.000 Oh, it's probably the episode in there.

01:20:31.000 All right.

01:20:33.000 So there was a sun god named Hira Ratan Manik.

01:20:39.000 This is 1.9.

01:20:41.000 And he convinced his followers that not just your taint benefits from the sun, but your entire digestive system.

01:20:51.000 This is 1.8.

01:20:52.000 Okay.

01:20:54.000 And he encouraged people not to eat and just breathe and take in the sun.

01:21:03.000 They are called their breatherians. 0.98

01:21:05.000 I've heard of these guys.

01:21:07.000 And this guy would regularly get caught pigging out on air?

01:21:12.000 Nope.

01:21:13.000 Food.

01:21:14.000 Food.

01:21:15.000 In fact, if you scroll down, they did a whole documentary on him.

01:21:18.000 Yeah, there he is at a restaurant chowing down.

01:21:21.000 Just hanging out here.

01:21:23.000 In San Francisco, I would have just a bit of Baba Ganoush and a bit of Djibouti. 0.99

01:21:29.000 Look, there he is.

01:21:30.000 Whoopsie.

01:21:32.000 Just munching away.

01:21:36.000 I don't need to see that documentary, though.

01:21:38.000 I don't need to see an expose on the Breatherians. 1.00

01:21:41.000 This thing that sounds like it's full of shit, it's sexually full of shit.

01:21:44.000 You mean it doesn't work?

01:21:46.000 There was a woman in Sweden who starved herself to death.

01:21:49.000 A Breatherian. 0.99

01:21:51.000 Terrible.

01:21:52.000 That's number one seven.

01:21:56.000 Hell of a clown world list today, huh?

01:21:58.000 Yeah, that's a long song.

01:21:59.000 Somebody starves to death in spiritual quest to live on sunlight alone.

01:22:02.000 Like, talk about the Darwin Awards.

01:22:04.000 What a fucking loser.

01:22:07.000 What is with the Swedes? 0.97

01:22:10.000 Sunlight doesn't taste like anything.

01:22:11.000 Remember, in my day, it was Florida Man.

01:22:14.000 In fact, the cover of New York Magazine, the title was What's With Florida?

01:22:18.000 And it had a big map of Florida and all the bullshit that happens there.

01:22:21.000 You can look up your birthday and Florida Man.

01:22:23.000 It'll be something crazy.

01:22:24.000 I think that's changed.

01:22:26.000 I think now it's Sweden.

01:22:29.000 What's with Sweden? 0.57

01:22:31.000 Sweden are the new freaks. 1.00

01:22:34.000 Okay, last piece of Clown World news.

01:22:38.000 And this is very serious.

01:22:40.000 This is when Clown World ceases to be funny and gets dangerous, when kids are involved.

01:22:46.000 19.

01:22:47.000 School principal Stephanie Hodgkins defended the decision to invite Adonis.

01:22:55.000 That's Adonis.

01:22:57.000 By the way, that's just a mentally ill gay. 0.99

01:23:00.000 Like, I feel like I know him.

01:23:04.000 To invite Adonis after parents complained, but English teacher Anthony Lane went further, suggesting that parents should submit to the will of the community when it comes to raising their own kids.

01:23:17.000 And of course, when they say community, they don't mean other parents and Christians and people with traditions in mind.

01:23:23.000 They mean Twitter.

01:23:25.000 They mean HuffPo.

01:23:26.000 They mean loser liberal nutbar Marxist fuckheads.

01:23:31.000 And then he went on to say, I believe that raising a child is the responsibility of the community and that parents should not have the final say, said Lane in response to the controversy.

01:23:42.000 Let's be honest.

01:23:43.000 Some of you don't know what is best for your kids.

01:23:48.000 Does that sum it up or what?

01:23:49.000 Is that Adonis?

01:23:50.000 Yeah.

01:23:51.000 Oh.

01:23:52.000 This is who should be looking after my children and showing. 0.50

01:23:56.000 Like, if that was a woman, I don't want my daughter watching that. 1.00

01:23:59.000 Right.

01:24:00.000 Right.

01:24:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:24:01.000 You don't even have to get to the gay shit. 1.00

01:24:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:04.000 She's a whore. 1.00

01:24:06.000 Adonis is a slut.

01:24:10.000 But this goes back to the thing we were talking about last week, Coach D. Remember him?

01:24:14.000 He sees his niece drunk at school, so he calls his sister, the girl's mother, and says, you got to get in here and get your daughter.

01:24:14.000 Yep.

01:24:21.000 He gets fired because the school should handle that drunk girl, not the mother.

01:24:26.000 They don't want to help your kids.

01:24:27.000 They don't want to educate your kids.

01:24:29.000 They want to control your kids because they want to control you. 1.00

01:24:33.000 The modern left are Bolsheviks and all they care about is power. 0.83

01:24:38.000 That's why you have Jews crapping on Israel. 1.00

01:24:40.000 That's why you have them turn on a dime when it comes to Syria.

01:24:43.000 No more war.

01:24:44.000 Okay, Trump's getting out the troops.

01:24:46.000 What about the Kurds?

01:24:46.000 What?

01:24:47.000 I love war now.

01:24:48.000 I'll do anything to win.

01:24:50.000 I'll take over your kids. 1.00

01:24:51.000 They want school.

01:24:52.000 They feed our kids lunch.

01:24:55.000 School lunches aren't just for poor kids.

01:24:56.000 Everyone has them now.

01:24:57.000 They want to handle breakfast.

01:24:59.000 De Blasio wants to keep kids there till 6.30.

01:25:02.000 And what do they do?

01:25:03.000 They barely play.

01:25:04.000 Some lunch breaks are 20 minutes of playtime outside.

01:25:08.000 And they sit in these constraining little chairs.

01:25:10.000 Sometimes the desk is connected to the chair.

01:25:12.000 They're in this little fucking box.

01:25:14.000 And they sit there and get indoctrinated.

01:25:17.000 School is child abuse.

01:25:18.000 And the state, the nanny state, is more than just inconvenient and irritating. 0.53

01:25:24.000 They are a threat to our family and a threat to American society. 0.54

01:25:30.000 This should freak you out.

01:25:32.000 Let's be honest.

01:25:33.000 Some of you don't know what is best for your kids.

01:25:36.000 That is fucking huge.

01:25:41.000 Adonis website could afford to be a little more user-friendly.

01:25:48.000 You know what I mean?

01:25:49.000 Yeah, of course.

01:25:50.000 I mean, you know.

01:25:51.000 All right, we're out of time.

01:25:52.000 But earlier I was talking about when a woman loses control. 0.99

01:25:57.000 Drag Queen Antichrist? 0.97

01:25:57.000 What's this? 0.97

01:25:59.000 Yeah, by the way, did you see this?

01:26:02.000 These Drag Queen Story Hour people keep turning out to be pedophiles, by the way, and sex offenders. 0.97

01:26:08.000 with this this Christian dude that's This was in Canada, I believe. 0.85

01:26:27.000 And he quotes Matthew that says, if you try to like, you know, brainwash your kids, basically, then you're going to burn in hell.

01:26:35.000 Look at her lesbian haircut. 1.00

01:26:40.000 Go home.

01:26:40.000 They always say that.

01:26:41.000 Yeah, why are there children?

01:26:43.000 I really don't get it.

01:26:44.000 They want curfews. 1.00

01:26:46.000 Go home.

01:26:47.000 Get back inside.

01:26:48.000 Stay indoors.

01:26:53.000 Antichrist.

01:26:54.000 That's nice.

01:26:56.000 And it just looks like a thrill.

01:26:57.000 That's what it comes down to, really, doesn't it?

01:27:00.000 They are.

01:27:01.000 They hate Christians. 0.99

01:27:02.000 They hate tradition.

01:27:03.000 They hate families.

01:27:04.000 They hate your kids.

01:27:05.000 God thinks drag queens are fabulous. 1.00

01:27:06.000 They don't love kids.

01:27:07.000 Drag queens are not into kids. 1.00

01:27:09.000 Talk to gays about kids. 1.00

01:27:10.000 They'll go, wait, what?

01:27:11.000 Oh, yeah, whatever.

01:27:15.000 They're great.

01:27:15.000 They're cute.

01:27:16.000 That's a little more.

01:27:17.000 Get them out of here.

01:27:18.000 They're ruining my flight.

01:27:20.000 I'm trying to go to Abiza.

01:27:21.000 Catch up on my blowjohns.

01:27:23.000 Abifa.

01:27:24.000 So, yeah.

01:27:24.000 I was saying that it's disturbing when a man is pathetic, and it's funny when a woman is pathetic.

01:27:29.000 I would like to present the final video.

01:27:31.000 This woman looking for Mikey is surprisingly, I don't know, satisfying? 1.00

01:27:37.000 Why do I like this video so much?

01:27:38.000 It's sort of like shooting a musket.

01:27:41.000 I just feel good seeing this woman because I know she'll be okay.

01:27:46.000 It seems like a Lost Tarantino movie.

01:27:49.000 God damn it, Mikey.

01:27:51.000 What do you want?

01:27:53.000 Where's Mikey?

01:27:54.000 He's asleep.

01:27:58.000 $70 for a dime bag.

01:27:59.000 He doesn't want to.

01:28:00.000 Dude.

01:28:02.000 A dime bag?

01:28:03.000 I'll come back at $10.

01:28:03.000 Just for pot?

01:28:04.000 Fuck it.

01:28:04.000 I don't want to make a scene.

01:28:06.000 $70 for a dime bag seems a little nuts.

01:28:06.000 Pot?

01:28:06.000 I don't know.

01:28:10.000 Dude, hook me up.

01:28:11.000 I don't want to make a fucking scene.

01:28:12.000 Well, you already fucking made a big ass scene. 1.00

01:28:14.000 $70 for a dime is a fucking deal.

01:28:17.000 I'll be back at four to pick it up.

01:28:19.000 He doesn't want to.

01:28:20.000 Dude, fucking tell him.

01:28:22.000 Already fucking told her no.

01:28:24.000 Tell him again.

01:28:25.000 He fucking said no.

01:28:27.000 Make him say yes.

01:28:28.000 How the fuck do I tell her?

01:28:31.000 Mikey! 0.65

01:28:32.000 Mikey! 0.65

01:28:33.000 She moves her jaw when she's Mikey.

01:28:38.000 I can't.

01:28:39.000 Oh my god.

01:28:40.000 Just leave.

01:28:41.000 Just go somewhere else.

01:28:44.000 This is a lot of willpower for this guy not to ask for sexual favors.

01:28:48.000 I fucking swear.

01:28:49.000 Or just slam the door.

01:28:52.000 You got balls.

01:28:54.000 Come on, man.

01:28:55.000 I'm sweating my balls off, she says.

01:28:57.000 He's asleep, and there's a fucking kid asleep, too. 0.64

01:29:00.000 Well, god damn it.

01:29:01.000 70 for a dime, Mike.

01:29:02.000 Come on.

01:29:03.000 Mike.

01:29:04.000 You're fucking making the scene.

01:29:05.000 Just get out of here. 0.96

01:29:07.000 Dude, fucking call Mikey.

01:29:10.000 He's asleep.

01:29:11.000 He's not asleep.

01:29:11.000 We're just talking to him.

01:29:13.000 But you was asleep when you were talking to him.

01:29:15.000 Mike! 0.69

01:29:16.000 Wake him up.

01:29:18.000 Ken, just leave.

01:29:19.000 He's not.

01:29:20.000 The answer is no.

01:29:21.000 Yes, 74 dime.

01:29:23.000 It's the only place you can go.

01:29:25.000 There's other people.

01:29:26.000 I used to love doing that to Cokeheads in New York. 1.00

01:29:28.000 They go, hey, man, you got any Coke?

01:29:29.000 And I go, oh, yeah, yeah, I got plenty.

01:29:31.000 Oh, fuck.

01:29:31.000 Why?

01:29:32.000 We ran out like two hours ago and no one's calling us back.

01:29:35.000 Oh, yeah, I got tons of Coke.

01:29:36.000 What do you guys want?

01:29:37.000 Each one a bump?

01:29:38.000 Yeah, fuck.

01:29:38.000 Finally, fucking this is awesome, dude.

01:29:40.000 They get all their hopes up.

01:29:42.000 And then we go into the bathroom.

01:29:44.000 I'm like, okay, did you got a key?

01:29:46.000 Yeah, hey, I got a key.

01:29:47.000 I'm ready.

01:29:48.000 And I go, oh, wait, I don't have Coke.

01:29:51.000 Sorry.

01:29:53.000 Oh, my God.

01:29:53.000 You're the worst person I've ever met.

01:29:55.000 Dude.

01:29:58.000 And then they'd make it unethical.

01:30:01.000 That's really fucked up what you did.

01:30:04.000 Because what if my body was going through withdrawals and that was what I needed to just stay alive?

01:30:07.000 You basically raped me.

01:30:09.000 Yeah.

01:30:09.000 No, you did.

01:30:11.000 You go, all right, I raped you. 1.00

01:30:14.000 Call the cops.

01:30:16.000 But I didn't have Coke.

01:30:17.000 Officer, this is going to sound kind of weird, but hear me out.

01:30:21.000 He said he had Coke and he didn't.

01:30:23.000 I know Coke is illegal.

01:30:24.000 That's not really what this is about.

01:30:25.000 So which one of you were looking for the Coke that he didn't have?

01:30:28.000 I. All right.

01:30:29.000 No, I understand.

01:30:30.000 And how high were your hopes?

01:30:32.000 Dude, they're like in the clouds.

01:30:34.000 I had already done it in my head.

01:30:35.000 Which cloud?

01:30:36.000 There's a couple there.

01:30:36.000 There's a low-hanging cloud right there.

01:30:38.000 So very, very, well, I'm going to write very, very high hopes.

01:30:40.000 Okay.

01:30:41.000 And then he, and he also said, sorry with W's, like Sawi. 1.00

01:30:45.000 Okay, that's.

01:30:46.000 Did he shrug?

01:30:47.000 We'll handle this, ma'am.

01:30:49.000 How far did you walk from where he promised it and where you were going to do it?

01:30:52.000 You know what I would do to her?

01:30:53.000 I'd say, okay, you know what?

01:30:55.000 You pushed and you pushed, and you're right.

01:30:57.000 I'm going to go get Mikey, and we're going to do the deal.

01:31:00.000 $70 for a just kidding, click.

01:31:04.000 Or you pretend, you'd be like, all right, let me ask him.

01:31:06.000 And you close the door and then you open it right back up.

01:31:08.000 He said no.

01:31:09.000 He fucking won't.

01:31:10.000 Dude, you don't wake him up.

01:31:11.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:31:12.000 He should do that.

01:31:12.000 You should go.

01:31:14.000 Okay, I'll ask him.

01:31:15.000 Click.

01:31:16.000 He said no.

01:31:18.000 GG, dude.

01:31:19.000 Come on.

01:31:20.000 Fucking dude, those quick.

01:31:22.000 Okay, I'll ask again.

01:31:24.000 Click.

01:31:25.000 Yeah, he said no again.

01:31:27.000 And he actually also said, then say something that's way too late, that was longer than the duration of the door closing.

01:31:31.000 Yeah.

01:31:31.000 He also said, remember that one time?

01:31:33.000 He said, well, he also said in the future, he is into this concept and getting good at it, if you will.

01:31:40.000 $70 for a dime sounds pretty good.

01:31:42.000 No, let's see the rest of it.

01:31:43.000 Then being good at it, if you will.

01:31:45.000 Gotta get fast with those.

01:31:47.000 Send them to people at HEB or somewhere.

01:31:50.000 Hi, no, come on.

01:31:52.000 Come on.

01:31:52.000 Ken.

01:31:54.000 Fuck.

01:31:55.000 It's hot.

01:31:56.000 Come on.

01:31:57.000 Wake him up.

01:32:00.000 You're a drug addict.

01:32:01.000 There's already people watching.

01:32:02.000 Just go.

01:32:03.000 She got one thing on her mind.

01:32:05.000 Fucking Mikey.

01:32:07.000 Damn, you're fucking making a scene.

01:32:09.000 That's why.

01:32:09.000 Because I want my shit.

01:32:10.000 I want to get the fuck out of here.

01:32:11.000 I don't want to drive around.

01:32:13.000 Oh, shit.

01:32:13.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:32:15.000 He said he was going to do it earlier.

01:32:16.000 And I get here and now he doesn't want to.

01:32:19.000 That's bullshit.

01:32:20.000 Mike! 0.69

01:32:21.000 Mike! 0.69

01:32:21.000 He's fucking making the scene. 0.69

01:32:22.000 Just like you're going to get me.

01:32:23.000 Just fucking call him.

01:32:25.000 He's fucking a scene.

01:32:26.000 Mikey! 0.65

01:32:27.000 I'm going to fucking call my mama.

01:32:28.000 Hey, relative named Mike.

01:32:30.000 I'm going to make this his outgoing message.

01:32:32.000 No.

01:32:36.000 Mikey! 0.65

01:32:38.000 Shut the fuck up and leave. 1.00

01:32:40.000 Especially when you twist the jaw, it helps.

01:32:42.000 Mikey! 0.65

01:32:45.000 God damn it.

01:32:46.000 God damn it!

01:32:48.000 Go to sleep!

01:32:52.000 I think it's Coke.

01:32:53.000 That's why she has a credit card. 0.99

01:32:55.000 Oh.

01:32:56.000 Come on, Willie.

01:32:57.000 Yeah.

01:32:58.000 For a dime, 70?

01:32:59.000 Okay.

01:33:00.000 Makes sense.

01:33:01.000 Come on, Mikey.

01:33:03.000 Oh, my God.

01:33:08.000 He said to do it.

01:33:10.000 That's what you need to do for the fucking video.

01:33:12.000 These videos always end too soon.

01:33:14.000 I want to see her outside.

01:33:15.000 I want to see her looking around.

01:33:16.000 Yeah.

01:33:17.000 Oh, man.

01:33:18.000 Get fired.

01:33:19.000 Get in trouble.

01:33:20.000 Be brave.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 02, 2019

S02E93 - THE SADDEST MAN

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript