Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S03E70 - BROWN PRIVILEGE

00:00:03.000 These are real things that happen where you can play these these important concepts and understand that when we lose our nature to nature, a security guard stopped me to offer an overview on phenomenal nature.

00:00:32.000 She said sculpture is not just formed from penetration.

00:00:37.000 You see, men have lost touch with the feminine.

00:00:43.000 And with her pink lipstick and her queen's accent, she went on for a while about her president.

00:01:01.000 I asked the bookkeeper at the end of the seventh ray to tell me what he knew about Sydney.

00:01:08.000 And he told me about chakra, the purple flame, the birth of the cosmos, the ascended masters, and the astral plane.

00:01:17.000 He said you could find.

00:01:24.000 Shut up, bitch. 1.00

00:01:29.000 Look at Elastroplane you right up the pussy. 1.00

00:01:35.000 Now that is Cassandra Jenkins, New Yorker.

00:01:38.000 I like her stuff, but she's very anti-Trump, and she's very happy he's gone.

00:01:44.000 You know, her earlier work was about healing during a Trump presidency.

00:01:48.000 And now that we have everything under control with this awesome president who knows exactly where he is at all times and can speak English perfectly and is never confused, now that we have him in control, we can focus on a new chapter.

00:02:04.000 Oh, fuck, a book of the day.

00:02:06.000 Yeah.

00:02:08.000 This is a fun book.

00:02:10.000 Aaron Bandaroff, A-Ron, we used to call him.

00:02:13.000 And he wrote his life story out.

00:02:16.000 Really interesting guy, Puerto Rican Jew, just like you.

00:02:19.000 What?

00:02:20.000 And he wrote his whole life story out, and then he had them printed on t-shirts.

00:02:24.000 So this book is called My Life in T-shirts.

00:02:27.000 This is back in the zenith of his creativity when he had an art gallery with a friend.

00:02:31.000 And then he got me to.

00:02:34.000 Did he deserve to have his life flushed down the toilet?

00:02:37.000 I don't know.

00:02:37.000 I wasn't there.

00:02:38.000 That's why we have courts. 1.00

00:02:41.000 But I used to see that guy almost every day.

00:02:43.000 He was a skateboarder who was a Supreme model and was a big part of Supreme's brand.

00:02:49.000 And then he went on to do his own thing and was always running around.

00:02:52.000 I think he was doing crack, actually.

00:02:55.000 Which I don't advise.

00:02:58.000 Things were going great for him.

00:02:59.000 He had a gallery called Bondorov Something.

00:03:01.000 I forget the other name.

00:03:03.000 And then they were at Miami, Art Basil, and all that stuff.

00:03:07.000 He had a great life.

00:03:08.000 He was killing it.

00:03:10.000 The coolest guy in New York City, which is tough because it's a pretty cool spot.

00:03:16.000 And then he allegedly reached down the front of some girl's shirt and grabbed her tit or something.

00:03:20.000 That's the problem with this stuff.

00:03:22.000 I don't know if he's a disgusting pervert, this friend of mine, or if it was some lying bitch. 1.00

00:03:32.000 What if it's both?

00:03:33.000 We had sort of drifted apart.

00:03:34.000 I guess I could just text him.

00:03:36.000 What if it's both?

00:03:38.000 What do you mean?

00:03:39.000 Which is completely full of shit, but he is a dead.

00:03:42.000 Yeah.

00:03:43.000 It's just like the wrong accusation.

00:03:49.000 I don't believe the Manson stuff.

00:03:50.000 I mean, that's been getting worse.

00:03:54.000 You believe the Manson stuff?

00:03:55.000 Not really.

00:03:57.000 I don't think any of that.

00:03:58.000 That's way better.

00:03:59.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 Well, I don't know what to believe.

00:04:04.000 You believe what you want to believe.

00:04:06.000 On you, no one can depend.

00:04:08.000 Farewell, my farewell.

00:04:11.000 I don't fucking know what's going on.

00:04:13.000 I'm lost.

00:04:15.000 He does seem like a weird dude, Mr. Marilyn Manson.

00:04:18.000 I would imagine the sex would be somewhat kinky.

00:04:20.000 You don't expect that with Aaron Bondoroff, but was that a gallery?

00:04:24.000 Yep.

00:04:25.000 Sweet.

00:04:26.000 Really cool stuff.

00:04:27.000 Look, sorry about that.

00:04:29.000 With a dick in a vagina. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Whoops.

00:04:32.000 Did not age well.

00:04:33.000 That has changed context.

00:04:37.000 I don't have notes yet.

00:04:38.000 I'm going to try something new out where I'll just talk about all the shit I have to say and then we'll see if we run out of time.

00:04:43.000 New York Post, I am a fucking idiot, and I bet on the Chiefs.

00:04:48.000 $110 down the drain.

00:04:50.000 I bet against Tom Brady, the LeBron James of football.

00:04:55.000 I think he's up to, what, seven Super Bowls, eight Super Bowls now?

00:04:59.000 And his Gronster friend.

00:05:02.000 And then I also bet against white males. 0.86

00:05:05.000 Like, it was considered racist to support Tampa because Tom Brady's pro-Trump and their coach was the oldest white male ever to win a Super Bowl.

00:05:16.000 And I was like, no, thanks.

00:05:17.000 Even though that checks off all my boxes, I'm going to go for this team.

00:05:20.000 And I don't know fuck all about football.

00:05:22.000 So I just sat there at home and in at the bar, just getting eaten alive with no hope of recovery.

00:05:29.000 $110 down the tubes.

00:05:32.000 What was he thinking?

00:05:33.000 I just thought, I don't know anything about football, and they sounded like the underdogs, and I like underdogs, and I was like, let's do the Chiefs.

00:05:39.000 They're going to fucking kick ass.

00:05:41.000 And you'd think there'd be a big markup there.

00:05:44.000 The spread was three.

00:05:46.000 So I was actually betting they'd win by, actually the spread was four.

00:05:49.000 So if they won by three or up, I'm in.

00:05:53.000 Line judge right there watching.

00:05:55.000 Look at the hands.

00:05:57.000 Just a superior team.

00:05:59.000 I can't wait for baseball again.

00:06:01.000 But boy, does betting make sports more fun.

00:06:04.000 So I'm going to just tell you about my weekend because I had quite an eventful weekend.

00:06:10.000 Friday, I fought four rounds, which I'm very proud of.

00:06:14.000 Although towards the end, there was some new guy, this big, tall, I think he was Muslim.

00:06:18.000 Remember that National Geographic cover with the piercing eyes?

00:06:22.000 Yes.

00:06:23.000 He had that as a tattoo.

00:06:25.000 Now, when I see that, I think Muslim.

00:06:28.000 And when I see Muslim Who's a stranger at my gym?

00:06:31.000 I think someone is here to fuck with me.

00:06:33.000 I'm very paranoid.

00:06:34.000 Yeah, he had a tattoo of that.

00:06:36.000 So that guy's got to be an Arab, right? 0.99

00:06:38.000 Like a Christian wouldn't get that. 1.00

00:06:41.000 Anyway, although, if she's got eyes like that and she's a Muslim, she probably is, she probably got them in the Crusades. 0.99

00:06:48.000 Hmm.

00:06:50.000 Like, I remember I met a blue-eyed guy in Bethlehem.

00:06:52.000 Bethlehem's all Muslim, except for that tiny spot where Jesus was born. 1.00

00:06:56.000 And he had bright blue eyes.

00:06:57.000 And my tour guide there goes, he must be from the fucking Crusades.

00:07:01.000 He didn't say fucking, but you get the idea.

00:07:03.000 So anyway, towards the end, he was like, come on, come on.

00:07:06.000 And I was punching him in the face, which is like, you ever see that retarded kid who got to MMA fight in the Octagon? 1.00

00:07:12.000 No.

00:07:13.000 And his opponent was like, ow, oh no.

00:07:16.000 When your opponent's saying, come on, come on.

00:07:19.000 At the end, it's like, make a wish foundation.

00:07:24.000 It's like, we let a senior box us in the ring.

00:07:27.000 Because after we were done, my buddy Shug goes, nothing feels, the only thing better than sex is punching a stranger in the face.

00:07:34.000 And I was like, yeah, except when he's going, come on, come on.

00:07:38.000 Then it's quirky.

00:07:40.000 Make it hurt.

00:07:40.000 This is me in my fourth round.

00:07:42.000 Yeah, we got some footage from the gym yesterday.

00:07:44.000 Yeah.

00:07:45.000 Ryan was there.

00:07:48.000 I shaved my beard on Friday.

00:07:52.000 It grew back.

00:07:53.000 I knew it would grow back in time.

00:07:55.000 Just to be clear, you're the one with the mohawk. 0.89

00:07:58.000 Yes, that's me.

00:07:58.000 Okay, gotcha.

00:07:59.000 That's me kicking ass.

00:08:00.000 That's me on my fourth round.

00:08:02.000 Dang.

00:08:02.000 Getting in there, pinning guys.

00:08:04.000 You could hear him.

00:08:05.000 Look at his punch to the ribs.

00:08:07.000 It's like, pop, pop.

00:08:09.000 Uh-oh.

00:08:10.000 And he's down.

00:08:14.000 Those punches are weird.

00:08:16.000 When my kid was like six and I would let him win in foosball, he'd get pissed off.

00:08:21.000 You could tell.

00:08:23.000 Punch him.

00:08:26.000 Put your phone through the fucking holes, Ryan.

00:08:28.000 Yeah, sorry.

00:08:30.000 Oh, now he's pissed.

00:08:32.000 And you're out.

00:08:33.000 Of course, we can't see it because you have the world's worst cameraman, Ryan Katsu Redenkas.

00:08:38.000 This had a focus.

00:08:41.000 Yeah, I told you before I started this fight to put your camera lens camera thing, the actual thing through the gate.

00:08:50.000 But you guys were moving, so I was like, oh, shit.

00:08:52.000 Well, you could still move around.

00:08:54.000 But then put it through.

00:08:55.000 You fuck up everything.

00:08:56.000 Look at this.

00:08:58.000 Oh, finally in focus.

00:09:00.000 You only focus when I'm down.

00:09:02.000 It's true.

00:09:04.000 You never focus when it matters.

00:09:06.000 Oh, this is when I got him in some sort of neck up.

00:09:08.000 He tapped out.

00:09:11.000 Does he even know he won?

00:09:13.000 Yeah.

00:09:14.000 I mean, did I know I won?

00:09:15.000 Yes, you did.

00:09:16.000 So yeah.

00:09:17.000 So Larry Barnes said the funniest thing.

00:09:20.000 I can't stop thinking about it.

00:09:21.000 I might make it into a t-shirt.

00:09:23.000 You ready for this?

00:09:24.000 I've actually, I texted it to the owner and he said, ha ha.

00:09:27.000 And then I've reread the text like 20 times just because it reads to me like a Hallmark card.

00:09:33.000 Like I just cannot get enough of this quote.

00:09:36.000 He calls me a cupcake, which is, it's an insulting thing.

00:09:40.000 It's actually a cop vernacular.

00:09:41.000 Cops like to call people cupcakes and marshmallows because we're soft. 1.00

00:09:46.000 I remember in Williamsburg days, they would call hipsters marshmallows because they're soft and white.

00:09:51.000 Maybe turn off your phone when we're shooting a show.

00:09:54.000 I did a video about that called the M word, which I bet you can't find because I've been depersoned.

00:10:03.000 So it's what he calls me a cupcake because it's cop vernacular, but it's probably old school like 80s black guy vernacular. 0.77

00:10:08.000 But anyway, I go after my fourth round, I was feeling pretty good at myself.

00:10:12.000 That's three minutes, three minutes, three minutes, three minutes.

00:10:15.000 Four different fighters.

00:10:18.000 And I go, I go, yeah, maybe I am a cupcake, but I just did four rounds, motherfucker.

00:10:23.000 You know what that makes me?

00:10:24.000 That makes me a blueberry muffin.

00:10:26.000 And you know what's next?

00:10:28.000 A granola bar.

00:10:29.000 And then you know what comes after granola bar?

00:10:32.000 I'm going to be a fucking steak, Larry.

00:10:35.000 And he goes, what?

00:10:36.000 You're not going to be a snake.

00:10:38.000 You're going to be a snake.

00:10:44.000 He cracked himself up with that, didn't he?

00:10:46.000 No, he corrected it a little bit later, but...

00:10:50.000 You're not going to be a snake.

00:10:51.000 You're not going to be a snake.

00:10:52.000 You're going to be a snake?

00:10:54.000 Like, is that a t-shirt or what?

00:10:56.000 I mean, that's a tattoo.

00:10:57.000 You're not going to be a snake.

00:10:59.000 You're going to be a snake.

00:11:01.000 I can't stop thinking about it.

00:11:03.000 Holy fuck.

00:11:05.000 And he was like, it was such a slam dunk.

00:11:07.000 And his insults are usually pretty basic.

00:11:09.000 They're just like, I'm going to fuck you up.

00:11:10.000 You're a pussy. 1.00

00:11:11.000 Don't make me come out of retirement, kick your ass. 0.95

00:11:13.000 But like, blueberry muffin to granola bar to steak.

00:11:17.000 It's like, he doesn't know what to do with that.

00:11:19.000 So he just rhymes it, but then he fucks it up and says, you're not going to be a snake.

00:11:23.000 And he ran full speed.

00:11:24.000 You're going to be a snake.

00:11:25.000 And he was screaming it too.

00:11:27.000 Like, you're not going to be a snake.

00:11:28.000 You're going to be a snake.

00:11:32.000 That's a t-shirt I want to make.

00:11:34.000 And then, of course, I can't get this out of my head.

00:11:36.000 You know, the rush sort of logo?

00:11:39.000 I forget what album it is, but it's super script-y.

00:11:42.000 It's in purple, rush.

00:11:44.000 So, just across the top, I'm like a girls' record collection.

00:11:49.000 Ooh, you could even make the O in collection a record.

00:11:51.000 Yeah, that's the Rush.

00:11:53.000 Now, you make the word no in that same font if that's even possible.

00:11:56.000 And it just, I'm like a girl's record collection. 0.97

00:11:59.000 No rush.

00:12:00.000 That's great.

00:12:02.000 Did you make that up?

00:12:03.000 Yeah.

00:12:03.000 That is genius.

00:12:04.000 One of the funniest things I've ever said.

00:12:05.000 And it always gets a street thing.

00:12:07.000 It always gets a laugh.

00:12:09.000 When I'm at a store or something and I want to say no rush.

00:12:14.000 Anyway, so that was Friday.

00:12:17.000 I haven't been drinking whiskey.

00:12:19.000 I've been feeling a lot better about it.

00:12:21.000 The problem with bourbon is it's fucking awesome for 45 minutes.

00:12:26.000 Then you pass out.

00:12:27.000 Then you wet your pants. 0.56

00:12:28.000 Then you wake up at 4 a.m. in hell.

00:12:31.000 Your children have cancer.

00:12:32.000 You're getting sued.

00:12:33.000 The world's over.

00:12:35.000 So just drinking beers.

00:12:37.000 I can't remember what I did Friday night.

00:12:38.000 I guess it's not that interesting.

00:12:41.000 Saturday rolls around.

00:12:45.000 I don't remember any of that either.

00:12:47.000 But my wife, I was having a birthday party. 0.98

00:12:50.000 Now, I'm very unpopular in America right now, but it gets worse when the Prowboys are in the news. 0.99

00:12:56.000 And since the storming of the Capitol, when I walk around the streets of Manhattan, I just get this A lot and fuck you, racist piece of shit.

00:13:04.000 They're never there when I turn around.

00:13:05.000 One woman, I was walking, I was building snowmen yesterday.

00:13:09.000 No, yeah, yesterday with my kids.

00:13:12.000 And so I see her drive by slowly by the park, and I see this through her passenger door.

00:13:18.000 So I'm like, you mother, like Scottish people can't tolerate that. 1.00

00:13:23.000 They want to go see the person.

00:13:24.000 They don't mind confrontation at all.

00:13:26.000 Come up and give me the finger to my face. 0.98

00:13:27.000 Great.

00:13:28.000 But like when someone's like, fuck you, and then managers are like, who said that?

00:13:33.000 Wait out of you.

00:13:34.000 You son of a bitch.

00:13:35.000 And there's been studies on this.

00:13:37.000 They've done studies with Southerners who I say are Scottish people, really, of Scottish descent.

00:13:42.000 And they walk down a hallway and there's these little voices going, fuck you, you suck. 0.56

00:13:47.000 And northerners sort of go, okay, weirdest hallway ever.

00:13:51.000 Now I've seen everything.

00:13:52.000 But the southerners like, who said that?

00:13:55.000 Where's the trying to peer through the hole?

00:13:57.000 Who's there?

00:13:59.000 So anyway, drives away.

00:14:01.000 And then later, I see someone filming me.

00:14:04.000 I'm building snowmen with my kids.

00:14:06.000 By the way, my eldest boy put a dick on his snowman with balls. 0.90

00:14:11.000 And then he pissed in the snow in the front where the dick is. 0.88

00:14:16.000 I was like, whatever.

00:14:18.000 Fuck this down.

00:14:22.000 That is just great detail, great attention.

00:14:24.000 Well, the other cool thing is he didn't make...

00:14:26.000 His snowman wasn't one, two, three.

00:14:28.000 It was just one and then a head and then a little hat.

00:14:34.000 It looked like something on Adventure Time.

00:14:36.000 Just the bare minimum to have a pistol.

00:14:37.000 It was this big.

00:14:39.000 It was so big that he had to put a stick in it and then stick it to the torso.

00:14:43.000 Like give it a bone.

00:14:47.000 Like a truss rod.

00:14:48.000 Give the dog a bone with a how'd you do and a talamor do.

00:14:52.000 Fucking oh, that's hilarious.

00:14:55.000 So I just, you know, luckily now this person stops.

00:14:59.000 So I walk up to them and they're filming me as I walk up to them.

00:15:02.000 And then when you see this, you're thinking it's you.

00:15:08.000 So you're like, I want to talk to this fucking guy, this cocksucker. 1.00

00:15:10.000 And you imagine he's your strength and your build and everything, right?

00:15:14.000 Some peer of mine is fucking with me and he's too much of a pussy to stick around. 1.00

00:15:19.000 So I see the camera.

00:15:20.000 I'm walking up, walking towards it.

00:15:21.000 Go ahead, film me, free country.

00:15:23.000 And then I get really close and it moves that way and starts pretending they're just filming the scenery.

00:15:28.000 And then it starts pulling away and I go, excuse me, excuse me, hey.

00:15:33.000 And then the person stops and I get closer and I see it's my mom.

00:15:37.000 Oh.

00:15:37.000 No, not literally shithead.

00:15:41.000 It's a 60.

00:15:44.000 It's a 63-year-old fat woman, boomer-angry woman liberal, our arch enemies. 1.00

00:15:50.000 And she's just a pussy, obviously, literally. 1.00

00:15:54.000 And I go, what's going on?

00:15:56.000 And she goes, I'm sorry.

00:15:57.000 And I go, did you give me the finger earlier?

00:15:59.000 No, I just got here.

00:16:01.000 Same car, same, and I remember a J on the license plate, and there's a J on this license plate, JDP 25, sorry, JDP 6510.

00:16:10.000 And I go, did you give me the finger earlier?

00:16:12.000 She goes, no, I know.

00:16:15.000 I guess I'm just paranoid then?

00:16:17.000 And she goes, I would never do anything like that.

00:16:20.000 In other words, these people don't have the courage of their convictions.

00:16:24.000 I thought that was a great dishonor to her and to her family.

00:16:28.000 Perfect.

00:16:29.000 Perfect.

00:16:30.000 And I go, all right, I guess I'm just paranoid.

00:16:32.000 She knows I know.

00:16:33.000 I know I know.

00:16:34.000 Like, everyone's on the same page here.

00:16:37.000 And it just shows you that, like, when you sit there and stew and you imagine this person that's a worthy adversary going, fuck you, based on real shit.

00:16:46.000 And I disagree with you about like women in the workplace and something valid.

00:16:50.000 Strip yourself of that.

00:16:52.000 It's a petty cunt just going like, hey. 0.99

00:16:55.000 Like when Louis C.K. was saying guns should be illegal.

00:16:58.000 Because if they weren't, we would just like murder people.

00:17:00.000 Like, I hate Barbara. 1.00

00:17:01.000 She's a bitch. 1.00

00:17:04.000 Sort of the greatest fucking thing.

00:17:05.000 He's a little gun.

00:17:06.000 He's a body language.

00:17:08.000 And he's wrong.

00:17:10.000 But even sort of like that opening artist there, Cassandra Jenkins. 0.74

00:17:15.000 Totally wrong and totally different politics.

00:17:17.000 But when they're talented to a certain level, I can still enjoy it.

00:17:21.000 You come across as a bitch. 1.00

00:17:23.000 Imagine that's how you went up.

00:17:25.000 You're like, you gave me the middle finger and you're both just timid.

00:17:27.000 No, no, I wouldn't have.

00:17:28.000 Okay, because I thought that.

00:17:29.000 I was going to say, okay, well, if you did, we just proved that you don't have the courage of your convictions.

00:17:34.000 Wow.

00:17:34.000 Which I don't think is even insulting to them.

00:17:36.000 Again, I'm putting my brain in someone else's head.

00:17:39.000 She's probably proud of herself.

00:17:41.000 She probably thinks she did some cool reconnaissance and got some good footage for the whatever.

00:17:47.000 Anyway, so we're very unpopular.

00:17:49.000 I'm very unpopular in New York City and in the suburbs right now, just generally on earth.

00:17:54.000 And it stresses out my wife. 0.86

00:17:57.000 So she's having a birthday party.

00:18:00.000 And this is good news because it's some new friends and then her old friends.

00:18:04.000 So she goes, it's really important that you come down and do a little cameo and say hi and do your charming little jokes where I have I have like four jokes I always do when my wife has a party.

00:18:14.000 It's like, hey guys, can we keep the noise down, please?

00:18:16.000 I'm hearing a lot of shit and fuck.

00:18:17.000 And I also had the word blowjob, which the kids can hear.

00:18:20.000 So we can, I know you guys don't do them anymore, so why talk about them?

00:18:27.000 So I go, all right, all right.

00:18:28.000 So there's a thing you can do now in New York where you rent a movie theater for nothing.

00:18:33.000 What?

00:18:33.000 300 bucks.

00:18:35.000 You can't choose.

00:18:36.000 They give you a list of movies and it's pretty small.

00:18:38.000 It's like Star Wars, Magic Mike, 9 to 5.

00:18:41.000 Shitty movies, I guess they have lying around.

00:18:43.000 But it's like 250, 300 bucks.

00:18:45.000 Wow.

00:18:45.000 So everyone puts in 10 bucks and you get a theater and you can drink and scream and run the place.

00:18:50.000 So she does that for her birthday. 0.94

00:18:52.000 She does Magic Mike. 1.00

00:18:53.000 I make her a fake flyer of her as one of the women in Magic Mike with Channing Tatum dancing behind her.

00:18:59.000 And it's not sexual with these women.

00:19:00.000 They just laugh their heads off and scream.

00:19:04.000 So they do that and they get fucking wasted.

00:19:07.000 What follows is possibly the worst night of my life.

00:19:12.000 They're throwing themselves into the road gladly.

00:19:15.000 I thought I deserve to join World War II vets because of all the movies I've seen, especially Stoned.

00:19:22.000 I have a new purple heart in women's birthday parties. 1.00

00:19:28.000 I mean, if I had footage Of this, you would think that I wrote a shitty movie and then got a bunch of actors to overdo their lines.

00:19:40.000 It was, I mean, look up a lion being eaten by hyenas.

00:19:45.000 That's what it was.

00:19:47.000 And I actually made it worse.

00:19:49.000 So I sort of pictured my birthday party, like my 50th, was at a bar.

00:19:53.000 Everyone wore Hawaiian shirts.

00:19:55.000 There was about 60 people there.

00:19:56.000 There was no yelling or screaming.

00:19:58.000 There was no fighting.

00:19:58.000 Everything was cool.

00:19:59.000 There's a lot of insults, a lot of ball busting.

00:20:01.000 My wife showed up, even though I said no broads allowed. 1.00

00:20:03.000 I tried to get the bouncer to kick her out. 1.00

00:20:07.000 And yeah, this is me on Saturday night.

00:20:15.000 Hopefully, we're getting all this great footage from you over the weekend.

00:20:18.000 Yeah.

00:20:19.000 This one I did pretty good with the camera work.

00:20:20.000 I mean, I had to use it.

00:20:21.000 Well, it was dark, and you still got a lot there.

00:20:23.000 Maybe you work better under pressure.

00:20:25.000 Yeah, I like the nighttime shoots because I have the flashlight there.

00:20:28.000 This is me.

00:20:29.000 Like, I know what it's like to be a lion.

00:20:31.000 I could have helped.

00:20:33.000 No, you would have been eaten alive, too.

00:20:35.000 Thanks.

00:20:37.000 So, and my wife showed up to my 50th and she goes, wow, this is fun.

00:20:42.000 You guys are fun.

00:20:43.000 I go, yeah.

00:20:44.000 Outside of blowjobs, which judging by our marriage wouldn't happen too much if I married a dude, I'm gay for men.

00:20:51.000 Men are awesome.

00:20:53.000 And it's not just that we were cool and not hurting.

00:20:56.000 Everyone was telling interesting stories.

00:20:58.000 And there was cops there, ex-cons, boxers. 0.99

00:21:01.000 Like, everyone has got great.

00:21:03.000 I choose friends with great yarns.

00:21:05.000 I don't care what you look like. 0.81

00:21:07.000 I don't even care what your politics are.

00:21:08.000 Just don't be boring.

00:21:09.000 I don't have one boring friend besides Ryan.

00:21:12.000 And this one is eating the poop all over.

00:21:15.000 So I was dumb enough, again, to put my brain into their head and assume that her party would be with civilized human beings who were from Earth. 0.58

00:21:26.000 Now, I know they've been watching Magic Mike, right?

00:21:28.000 So they come downstairs.

00:21:29.000 We have a karaoke machine downstairs, but it's Bluetooth.

00:21:31.000 It's a little bit tricky.

00:21:32.000 I'm cheap.

00:21:32.000 So my entertainment system is not one of these push the on button.

00:21:36.000 You've got to like turn off your Bluetooth.

00:21:38.000 You've seen my entertainment system.

00:21:40.000 Which is a disaster.

00:21:41.000 Hanging with cords, literal cords.

00:21:44.000 Like, you know, these twisty, you know, twist ties?

00:21:47.000 Well, if you go to Home Depot, you can get big, long ones.

00:21:49.000 They're for like tying up a tree and stuff.

00:21:51.000 So that's what's holding my projector to pipes on the roof.

00:21:55.000 It looks terrible.

00:21:56.000 And no one else can run it but me.

00:21:57.000 And even I spend about 20 minutes every time I want to watch a movie.

00:22:00.000 Anywho, so I think, wouldn't it be funny if I go down there and do my same old, hey guys, music's getting kind of loud and I'm, and then just go and whip my pants on?

00:22:12.000 Yeah.

00:22:13.000 So my daughter and I were watching a movie, which is, it's a little late.

00:22:19.000 I'm a little late on this.

00:22:20.000 You've probably seen it, but have you fucking seen Hereditary?

00:22:24.000 No.

00:22:26.000 Again, I have PTSD.

00:22:29.000 I feel like I've been raped by a good friend.

00:22:31.000 Oh, I wanted to see.

00:22:32.000 This is scary.

00:22:33.000 I heard.

00:22:33.000 Dude.

00:22:34.000 I heard this is scary.

00:22:35.000 It is so fucking intense.

00:22:37.000 From somebody who doesn't get scared, I heard this was bothering or troublesome.

00:22:41.000 It's beyond scared.

00:22:42.000 I'm not scared.

00:22:43.000 I'm changed.

00:22:45.000 Oh, shit.

00:22:47.000 I want to see this.

00:22:48.000 I'll never be the same again.

00:22:50.000 I don't wish I could unsee it, but it's just so vivid and fucking intense.

00:22:56.000 Look at that kid.

00:22:57.000 He looks like that Scottish comedian.

00:23:00.000 So mom dies.

00:23:01.000 She's in hospice for a while.

00:23:02.000 They weren't that close to her.

00:23:04.000 She's got a daughter who seems kind of special.

00:23:06.000 She's got the same disease that the kid in Stranger Things has, where your face doesn't form right.

00:23:11.000 Who are you to say what's right or wrong for the forming of a face?

00:23:15.000 She was a very difficult woman pigeon. 1.00

00:23:17.000 And it turns out that her mother was in the occult.

00:23:21.000 And what these people do...

00:23:23.000 The spoilers?

00:23:24.000 I'm being delicate here.

00:23:26.000 But they deal with death and the afterlife and haunting and taking over bodies and stuff.

00:23:33.000 That's all I'll do.

00:23:35.000 But this gets scarier and scarier and more and more supernatural as it goes on until the very end, which is just like beyond horror.

00:23:45.000 Beyond.

00:23:45.000 So I'm done.

00:23:48.000 I'm done.

00:23:49.000 I'll never financially recover.

00:23:51.000 I'll never mentally recover from this.

00:23:54.000 So I'm watching that with my daughter, who's tough and cool, and she's 14.

00:23:58.000 And I go, you want to sleep in mom's bed tonight?

00:24:00.000 Why are you talking to me like I'm five?

00:24:02.000 Meanwhile, she did sleep in mom's bed that night.

00:24:05.000 Our bed.

00:24:08.000 So that's going on.

00:24:09.000 And then I hear them come in and they're just like, boom, boom, boom.

00:24:13.000 It's like 12 women screaming constantly. 1.00

00:24:17.000 Like the laughing is just a scream.

00:24:19.000 It's indistinguishable from a scream.

00:24:24.000 So then they go downstairs and I'm hearing my name being screamed.

00:24:29.000 Screamed.

00:24:30.000 Not like Gavin, but I have fear.

00:24:34.000 I'm scared.

00:24:35.000 And the horror movie isn't helping things.

00:24:38.000 So I think, I've had a plan all day where I'm going to do a strip tease.

00:24:45.000 So I come downstairs.

00:24:46.000 And I'm thinking they're going to be civilized, like my birthday party, but the screaming is scaring me.

00:24:50.000 So we took a break from the movie and my daughter helped me make these pants where I cut off all the sides of the pants and then with like packing tape, like not too strong, I taped them back together.

00:25:01.000 So they'd be easy rip aboffable.

00:25:03.000 And then for my t-shirt, I just cut the front and then taped it to my skin.

00:25:08.000 So it had no back.

00:25:09.000 My back was my skin.

00:25:10.000 That's cool.

00:25:11.000 Which is weird because you can't really walk or the tape comes undone.

00:25:14.000 So I'm walking like this down the stairs and my pants are starting to sag.

00:25:18.000 So as I'm talking to them, the front of my pants is sag so much you can see my underwear.

00:25:25.000 It's like imagine normal pants, but the waist is size 80.

00:25:30.000 So I go, hey ladies, the music's really loud right now.

00:25:35.000 And they go, oh, sorry.

00:25:37.000 And I go, I've had enough of this.

00:25:39.000 And I go, and then I go, and then I realize I don't have any dances.

00:25:44.000 I haven't been to a male strip club before.

00:25:46.000 I don't even know what their moves are.

00:25:48.000 Like, do they dance like they're dancing or do they just jive?

00:25:51.000 Yeah, no, it's quiet for him.

00:25:52.000 So I don't know what to do.

00:25:54.000 So, and then the other part is they all start screaming.

00:25:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:59.000 Like, I might as well have gone down there with a little baby and said, hey, did I tell you I have a newborn?

00:26:05.000 And then pulled its head back.

00:26:06.000 It's blood just went, oh, thank God.

00:26:08.000 Like, that's how they were screaming.

00:26:10.000 I'm not exaggerating.

00:26:11.000 None of this will be exaggerations.

00:26:13.000 So, blood's shooting everywhere, they're screaming, and I'm dancing around.

00:26:16.000 And as I'm dancing, I'm getting kind of scared.

00:26:18.000 Like, two of them have fallen, they're on the ground, and the others are screaming.

00:26:24.000 They're clawing at me too, I guess because they saw a magic mic, and they're grabbing my underwear.

00:26:28.000 And then, so I run upstairs, and then my wife has a Chippendales night shirt. 0.98

00:26:34.000 So, that's my second act.

00:26:36.000 So, I come down.

00:26:37.000 All I'm doing right now is feeding meat to the hyenas, and they're getting crazier and crazier.

00:26:43.000 So, what was already a volatile situation, I just made way worse.

00:26:48.000 Now they're out of fucking control.

00:26:51.000 And I come downstairs in my Chippendales outfit, and they're going, Gavin, make the karaoke work.

00:26:58.000 Now, my wife's made this karaoke work a hundred times. 1.00

00:27:01.000 It's her machine, but because she's drunk, all the buttons on the iPad are in Chinese, and they just keep, and I'm like, stop, stop, stop. 0.67

00:27:08.000 And they're screaming at me, screaming at me.

00:27:11.000 And then they're like, Gavin, Gavin.

00:27:12.000 So as I'm trying to make her phone, which is a dumb idea because you can't see the lyrics on a phone, it should be on an iPad.

00:27:18.000 Where's the iPad?

00:27:19.000 As I'm trying to make their phone work on the Bluetooth, the women are screaming at me, and I'm getting scared. 1.00

00:27:24.000 Like, stop.

00:27:25.000 And I can't say, shut the fuck up.

00:27:28.000 Because the whole reason I'm there is to ingratiate myself with Emily's new friends and try to help our reputation in town.

00:27:35.000 So I'm just taking it on the chin, which is not the Scottish way.

00:27:40.000 At one point, one of them is screaming at me that she wants her phone to go with this Bluetooth speaker, which is separate from the karaoke.

00:27:49.000 She also wants the TV on, the projector to be on, even though we have two disco balls going, because she wants some action over there. 0.77

00:27:56.000 That's just a blank wall.

00:27:59.000 So I have to find a show that's a good background show, like The Lost Boys is what I ended up finding, because it was news before that.

00:28:06.000 So I'm dealing with those two spinning plates.

00:28:08.000 Then she goes, I want booze. 0.98

00:28:10.000 Do you have any Coke?

00:28:12.000 And so now I don't have any Coke, but now I have to get booze.

00:28:14.000 I don't know what my wife got you for booze. 1.00

00:28:18.000 And then they're still screaming about the karaoke and they're holding microphones going, hello, check, check.

00:28:23.000 And that's deafening.

00:28:25.000 So I eventually get the karaoke going.

00:28:28.000 And then it's on a phone.

00:28:30.000 I go, I'm going to go get the iPad because they're squinting to see the lyrics.

00:28:33.000 And the mic plugs are sort of cackling a little bit.

00:28:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:40.000 Which is loud.

00:28:40.000 And it's not loud enough now.

00:28:42.000 It's got quiet for some reason.

00:28:43.000 All the volumes are on full.

00:28:44.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:28:47.000 Remembering it is giving me PTSD.

00:28:49.000 And then as I get up, this woman's like, Gavin, Gavin. 0.99

00:28:54.000 And she goes, I want music on.

00:28:57.000 But there is music.

00:28:58.000 It's karaoke.

00:28:59.000 You want to listen to music at the same time?

00:29:00.000 And I go, I feel like I'm Mexican here.

00:29:03.000 And then her friend, their newest friend, was like, what did you just say?

00:29:07.000 And I go, I feel like I'm some sort of illegal alien that's been hired here to take abuse.

00:29:13.000 She goes, you can't say that.

00:29:14.000 Why do you think you're in so much trouble these days?

00:29:16.000 And I was thinking about it and I go, that's exactly how I feel.

00:29:21.000 I'm not trying to be hyperbolic.

00:29:23.000 I'm not trying to be racist.

00:29:25.000 I felt like some sort of servant who, like an illegal alien, they couldn't call the cops because they're going to get arrested. 0.87

00:29:31.000 So I pretty much nailed it on the head.

00:29:33.000 Yeah, and they were the racist.

00:29:35.000 They were the ones picking on a Mexican. 1.00

00:29:36.000 They were treating you like a Mexican.

00:29:39.000 And I was like, who's going to clean your toilet, Sir Donald Trump?

00:29:46.000 So eventually, once I get the karaoke machine going, I just run upstairs, petrified, shaking, a mere shell of a man.

00:29:56.000 And I got to get back to the horror movie.

00:29:59.000 So I'm watching the horror movie with my daughter.

00:30:01.000 You have to see this movie if you haven't seen it.

00:30:04.000 It's not scary.

00:30:06.000 It's disturbing.

00:30:08.000 It changes you.

00:30:09.000 There's this one scene at the very end where a certain lady who may or may not be dead may or may not be praying to someone or something.

00:30:16.000 And it's burned into my cranium.

00:30:18.000 I see it when I'm driving and be like, yeah.

00:30:19.000 Even today, I was driving my daughter to school and I was looking in a car and then I looked forward and I was too close to a car.

00:30:25.000 It wasn't a slam break or anything, but it reminded me of the movie.

00:30:28.000 I was like, even after you turn off the movie, you're in the movie.

00:30:33.000 Me and my buddy Steve Durand used to call it the movies.

00:30:36.000 Where, you know, when you're in a movie and then after you're still in it?

00:30:39.000 Like a Rocky type movie and you're like, Adrian, hey, this is a yo.

00:30:47.000 So then I'm watching the movie and I can hear them screaming for me, calling for me.

00:30:52.000 I'm like, more chores, more things that have to go smoothly.

00:30:56.000 Mike! 0.69

00:30:57.000 That's perfect.

00:30:58.000 Go back.

00:30:59.000 Mikey! 0.65

00:31:01.000 That was my night.

00:31:02.000 Mikey! 0.65

00:31:04.000 Change Mikey.

00:31:04.000 That is not a molecule of an exaggeration.

00:31:08.000 It might be underwhelming.

00:31:08.000 Change Mikey to Gavin, and that's what it is.

00:31:12.000 Come on, man.

00:31:13.000 Mikey! 0.65

00:31:15.000 So then, women love men as much as we do, by the way.

00:31:20.000 So they start wanting men there.

00:31:21.000 They know they're fucking lunatics.

00:31:23.000 What do you do at a turkey farm with all female turkeys? 1.00

00:31:28.000 Ryan?

00:31:28.000 Oh, you bang the turkeys.

00:31:31.000 You bang the turkeys.

00:31:32.000 You fuck turkeys. 0.99

00:31:34.000 Nailed it.

00:31:35.000 No.

00:31:35.000 You get a male turkey in there.

00:31:38.000 Whether he's not for breeding, they just sort of calm the place.

00:31:43.000 Same with cows. 0.99

00:31:44.000 You get a bull in there.

00:31:45.000 Calms the place.

00:31:46.000 And being good at it.

00:31:48.000 So this one chick, this Asian chick, goes, I want to get my friend Billy. 1.00

00:31:52.000 And I said, no.

00:31:54.000 Like, you don't invite a dude to a girl's night.

00:31:56.000 This is the ladies. 1.00

00:31:57.000 This is their big night.

00:32:00.000 So she invites him anyway.

00:32:02.000 And, oh, here's another thing that was going on.

00:32:06.000 I think, like, my wife has a lot of new friends.

00:32:08.000 And I think each of them thought, I'm kind of her bestie.

00:32:12.000 And we're going to bond tonight.

00:32:16.000 But they didn't get her.

00:32:18.000 Like, you have to choose one.

00:32:19.000 And here's my theory.

00:32:20.000 Men can be second best.

00:32:22.000 We still eat.

00:32:23.000 We're still, we just won't get the tender loin, but we'll still get a leg bone we can bring to our family.

00:32:29.000 They can be eighth Best.

00:32:31.000 Women cannot be second best, or they don't get the man, and then they can't procreate. 1.00

00:32:35.000 So, women don't do very well with second place. 1.00

00:32:38.000 That's why they're so competitive in high school.

00:32:40.000 That's why they can be so cunty because everything at stake.

00:32:44.000 Nothing is really at stake for us, men, which is probably why we're so groovy.

00:32:48.000 And I'm saying this as a feminist.

00:32:50.000 Women have more at stake. 1.00

00:32:51.000 They're trying to breathe.

00:32:52.000 They're trying to continue the species.

00:32:54.000 So if the male says no, they're dead.

00:32:57.000 I want to be a woman.

00:33:00.000 So they could go to the second best male. 0.70

00:33:02.000 Yeah, I know what you're saying, but that's not the way procreation works. 1.00

00:33:05.000 You know, look at how birds mate. 0.81

00:33:08.000 The bird does the craziest dance, almost kills the other competing male bird, and then she fucks him. 1.00

00:33:12.000 You're trying to improve the species.

00:33:14.000 If you go to the second best, not your best option, you failed.

00:33:18.000 You failed humanity.

00:33:20.000 That's precisely the bird I was thinking of today.

00:33:22.000 Wow, you're pretty on today there, Ryan.

00:33:24.000 Is your limes not kicking in today?

00:33:26.000 Maybe.

00:33:29.000 I mean, moose will murder each other trying to get the mate. 1.00

00:33:33.000 Anyway, so one of them was getting kind of bitter, this Jewish woman. 1.00

00:33:38.000 And my buddy Robbie shows up.

00:33:40.000 And I can't, I'm like, I wanted to grab him and take him to like my lair, my den, and be like, dude, what the fuck?

00:33:48.000 This is like someone, you remember Snakes on a Plane where they gave him that weird pheromone?

00:33:51.000 Someone gave these bitches the Snakes on the Plane drug. 1.00

00:33:54.000 They're fucking murdering people.

00:33:56.000 And they're going to murder each other.

00:33:58.000 Oh my God.

00:33:59.000 And they're so volatile, too.

00:34:00.000 They're like, I love you.

00:34:02.000 Come here.

00:34:02.000 Come here, Gabby.

00:34:04.000 I love you.

00:34:04.000 Everyone hates you.

00:34:05.000 You're a family man.

00:34:06.000 I always tell people, I always defend you.

00:34:09.000 And then they kiss me.

00:34:11.000 I love you.

00:34:12.000 I love you.

00:34:14.000 And I'm like, get off of me, you fucking wet woman. 1.00

00:34:17.000 Not fucking good, you fucking rat.

00:34:19.000 You fucking rat.

00:34:21.000 At one point, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin!

00:34:24.000 And I'm like, it's like a firecracker.

00:34:26.000 And I did the nicest aggressive thing I could do where I go, please stop screaming my name at me.

00:34:34.000 Smiling.

00:34:36.000 And then she's instantly crushed.

00:34:41.000 I always defend you.

00:34:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:44.000 I've done nothing but love you.

00:34:46.000 And you fucking attack me?

00:34:48.000 And then I'm like, oh, God.

00:34:50.000 And then she'd be up again.

00:34:51.000 Hi.

00:34:52.000 It's up and down and up and down.

00:34:54.000 And I'm sweating.

00:34:57.000 I'm not.

00:34:58.000 And they're like, why don't you get drunk?

00:34:59.000 I can't get drunk.

00:35:00.000 I could fucking mainline bourbon right now, but my adrenaline is pounding so much trying to make you lunatics calm and smooth.

00:35:09.000 Don't worry.

00:35:09.000 I haven't forgotten any of the previous changes.

00:35:10.000 At one point, one of them has, they're drinking red wine in red solo cups.

00:35:14.000 Great idea.

00:35:15.000 We have white carpets in the basement and a projector that's all white.

00:35:18.000 So one of them is like, I love you.

00:35:21.000 She wraps her arms around her friend, splatters red wine all across the carpet and all on the projector. 1.00

00:35:32.000 So then I'm running around.

00:35:33.000 I don't want it to set.

00:35:34.000 So I get bleach wipes for the screen.

00:35:37.000 As they're still parting, I'm like, cleaning up after them like the Mexican. 1.00

00:35:42.000 And then I'm getting like a wet bucket with soapy water and scrubbing.

00:35:46.000 And then the one who smells like, that wasn't me. 0.64

00:35:48.000 And then she's got bleach wipes and she's like. 1.00

00:35:54.000 And I'm like, I got it.

00:35:55.000 I got it.

00:35:55.000 All she's doing is spreading it around and making the bleach all bubbly so it's like making the carpet whiter than it should be.

00:36:06.000 So, yeah, one of them invites this guy, Billy.

00:36:09.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:36:10.000 And he's young.

00:36:12.000 He's like a young hunk.

00:36:13.000 And he starts making out with the hot ones who are either widows or single or whatever.

00:36:20.000 Right?

00:36:22.000 And he's groping other moms too.

00:36:24.000 And they don't seem to care.

00:36:25.000 They're like, whatever, that's that hunky guy.

00:36:27.000 I guess Magic Mike fucked him up.

00:36:29.000 And then I go, hey, man, how you doing?

00:36:32.000 You like scotch and something?

00:36:33.000 And he's like an ex-Marine, or he says he is.

00:36:35.000 He's lying about where he lives.

00:36:36.000 I don't know what the fuck's going on with this guy.

00:36:38.000 And then he gets drunk.

00:36:39.000 And I get given scotch a lot.

00:36:41.000 I don't like it.

00:36:42.000 So I've got tons of Macmillan, McLimmon, McMum, something like that.

00:36:46.000 McLivets? 0.97

00:36:47.000 Macmillan?

00:36:48.000 I think it's Macmillan.

00:36:49.000 And I go, oh, good.

00:36:49.000 You're a scotch guy.

00:36:50.000 We can finish this off.

00:36:51.000 I've had it for fucking since Christmas.

00:36:54.000 And he goes, no, I don't drink that.

00:36:55.000 That's shit.

00:36:57.000 I remember it being pretty expensive.

00:37:00.000 No, it's not that.

00:37:01.000 It's a tall bottle.

00:37:03.000 Anyway, it was too shitty for him.

00:37:05.000 He wasn't interested.

00:37:07.000 But he actually helped sort of mediate the room.

00:37:12.000 And things got a little less loud.

00:37:17.000 Then they decide they're going to go to another room and they start playing my records.

00:37:21.000 You can imagine my vinyl now.

00:37:23.000 It's just a stack of black. 0.59

00:37:25.000 Just a cylinder of homeless vinyl.

00:37:30.000 No alphabetization.

00:37:31.000 Congratulations.

00:37:33.000 It's going to take me probably 45 minutes to find the sleeves for everything and then re-alphabetize it all.

00:37:39.000 Anyway, I'll take it.

00:37:40.000 It's your birthday, whatever.

00:37:43.000 But when I'm upstairs, one of the dads shows up to pick up one of the moms, and he's a friend of mine.

00:37:48.000 So I want to take him into the den, that guy I was telling you about.

00:37:51.000 But I have to leave him alone.

00:37:52.000 I go, dude, I cannot believe this.

00:37:54.000 But I'm watching a horror movie with my daughter.

00:37:56.000 She's shitting her pants. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Can you just sit here for a bit with the beard?

00:37:59.000 It's got like six minutes left.

00:38:01.000 He's like, all right, don't worry about it.

00:38:03.000 I should have hid him in another room.

00:38:04.000 That's what I should have done.

00:38:07.000 But I watched the rest of the horror movie with my daughter.

00:38:10.000 You okay?

00:38:10.000 Yeah, I don't care.

00:38:11.000 Meanwhile, her eyes are like this.

00:38:13.000 I'm not scared.

00:38:14.000 The movie was stupid.

00:38:16.000 I can't wait to go to bed.

00:38:17.000 I think she finally went to bed at 3.30 a.m.

00:38:21.000 And I go, honey, it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

00:38:23.000 You're still up?

00:38:23.000 And she goes, she goes, it's the weekend.

00:38:26.000 I don't have a bedtime on the weekend.

00:38:29.000 I go, yeah, you do.

00:38:30.000 Okay.

00:38:31.000 It's later than usual, but it still exists.

00:38:35.000 I'm fine.

00:38:36.000 I'm just talking with my friends.

00:38:38.000 So I come back downstairs and one of them, the Jewish woman, is looking at my buddy and she goes, you're a fucking Jew.

00:38:46.000 What?

00:38:47.000 He's not.

00:38:48.000 He's Italian.

00:38:49.000 Well.

00:38:51.000 No?

00:38:52.000 Could they be farther apart?

00:38:53.000 This is white.

00:38:55.000 This is Jewish.

00:38:57.000 This is Italian.

00:38:58.000 I don't know.

00:39:00.000 Old Robert De Niro and old Al Pacino, they look Jewish now. 1.00

00:39:04.000 Like, old Italians are Jews. 1.00

00:39:06.000 Even my Jewish friends say.

00:39:07.000 New Yorkers.

00:39:08.000 There's a lot of factors in that.

00:39:13.000 They become Jews. 0.99

00:39:14.000 That's not a Jew. 1.00

00:39:16.000 No.

00:39:17.000 Tomato, tomato.

00:39:18.000 Anyway, he's like, all right.

00:39:21.000 Like, he owns bars.

00:39:23.000 So he's an expert.

00:39:25.000 He's not stressed.

00:39:25.000 Plus, he has no stakes.

00:39:26.000 He could care if this woman lives or dies. 0.69

00:39:28.000 He's never seen her before.

00:39:29.000 And I think she was mad that my wife had chosen another best friend for the party. 1.00

00:39:34.000 So she was like, fuck these bitches. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Wow.

00:39:36.000 Did you like Magic Mike?

00:39:38.000 I don't need to see that shit.

00:39:40.000 Fucking bullshit.

00:39:42.000 You know what she told me, though?

00:39:43.000 She's a trainer, and she told me that she trains this couple that just moved here from Brooklyn.

00:39:47.000 And they said, did you know Gavin McInnis lives in this town?

00:39:50.000 She goes, yeah, I train his wife. 0.99

00:39:52.000 And they go, oh my God.

00:39:54.000 We're thinking of moving.

00:39:56.000 Moving.

00:39:58.000 Because of all the stray bullets.

00:40:01.000 When it came through their window.

00:40:02.000 We got to get out of here.

00:40:03.000 That Gavin is trouble.

00:40:04.000 We don't like to hear the marches and the anthems.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:08.000 What the fuck?

00:40:08.000 There's too many Proud Boy rallies in this town.

00:40:11.000 They keep meeting on their motorcycles, rolling through town, smashing windows, grabbing random girls off the street and throwing them on the backs of their motorbikes.

00:40:20.000 We can't be privy to that crap.

00:40:22.000 Even if you're like, who was the guy, who started the Hells Angels, that main guy who's like 89 years old?

00:40:27.000 Not Chuck Zito.

00:40:29.000 He was the best Hells Angel, but the original guy, Sonny Barger.

00:40:33.000 Say Sonny Barger lived in your town.

00:40:35.000 What do you think's going to happen?

00:40:37.000 It's going to be just Harley's rolling through town at all times?

00:40:42.000 It's not going to happen.

00:40:45.000 Anyway, and then she's like, where'd you grow up?

00:40:49.000 So aggressive.

00:40:51.000 Like, they really are aggressive.

00:40:53.000 They should not drink alcohol.

00:40:55.000 You know what we do when we're drunk?

00:40:57.000 We come up with really funny ways to insult you.

00:41:00.000 Like, so that guy, that chick's not calling me back.

00:41:02.000 I guess I'm dumped.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, it must hurt to be dumped by someone who's clearly so perceptive.

00:41:07.000 Mean things that hurt you today.

00:41:10.000 It's a joke.

00:41:13.000 So then he goes, I grew up in Queens.

00:41:15.000 She's like, did you have a backyard, front yard?

00:41:17.000 And he goes, yeah, it wasn't very big, obviously.

00:41:19.000 It was like as big as this kitchen, I guess.

00:41:20.000 Maybe two of these kitchens.

00:41:22.000 Bullfucking shit.

00:41:25.000 And then I'm like, yeah, why are you lying?

00:41:27.000 She goes, did you have a barbecue?

00:41:29.000 And he goes, yeah, I had a barbecue.

00:41:30.000 Bull fuck. 1.00

00:41:31.000 You're lying.

00:41:32.000 Did you have like a barbecue set?

00:41:35.000 And he goes, yeah, if you have a barbecue, you have a barbecue.

00:41:39.000 Bull fucking shit.

00:41:40.000 You fucking liar.

00:41:42.000 And I'm like, yeah, you fucking lying piece of shit.

00:41:45.000 You didn't have $100 for a barbecue and another $30 for various utensils used to play with burgers.

00:41:53.000 Like, it was just unbridled aggression for no reason.

00:41:56.000 And then another woman thing is, like, my thing is I jounce my leg. 1.00

00:42:00.000 I'm always bouncing it up and down, or I'm moving my foot like this when I watch TV.

00:42:04.000 I'm a high-strung dude.

00:42:05.000 And she's like pushing on my leg, holding my leg down, going, stop, stop. 1.00

00:42:11.000 Like, they want to intervene.

00:42:14.000 Unless your foot is on her chair, why would it matter to her?

00:42:16.000 Yeah.

00:42:17.000 I don't understand if we were on a long steel bench and me shaking my knee was making her go, but I'm on my own chair with wood floors.

00:42:24.000 You're not getting any of these jiggles.

00:42:28.000 And then she turns over to me, and I'm wearing my American flag thing I wear all day because it's a handy mask.

00:42:34.000 If I have to go to the liquor store.

00:42:36.000 And she goes, what the fuck's with you anyway?

00:42:39.000 I go, pardon me?

00:42:41.000 You fucking America.

00:42:42.000 You're not even American. 0.99

00:42:44.000 You're not even American. 0.99

00:42:46.000 Yeah, well, I find that immigrants tend to be the most patriotic because they're very grateful to be here.

00:42:52.000 Fuck you, fucking Canadian. 1.00

00:42:55.000 I go, well, I was actually born in Britain.

00:42:57.000 So you're nothing.

00:42:58.000 You're nothing.

00:42:59.000 And you wear this.

00:43:00.000 Get the fucking flag off.

00:43:02.000 You're not even Scottish. 0.75

00:43:04.000 You changed your name, you pussy. 1.00

00:43:07.000 Jesus.

00:43:08.000 Because I told her that.

00:43:09.000 And I go, actually, my grandfather changed his name because he was an Irish bookie and no one would give bets to give their money to an Irishman.

00:43:16.000 You're two generations off with that insult.

00:43:19.000 It just keeps going and going.

00:43:21.000 And then they're in the front room.

00:43:22.000 The music is blaring.

00:43:24.000 And by the way, I can't relax because I'm worried about some of them driving home drunk because they are tarnished.

00:43:28.000 This one woman, I could have picked her up and just poured her into a bucket and then just poured the bucket out the window. 1.00

00:43:35.000 She was amorphous.

00:43:37.000 She was, what do they call it when you go from a solid to a gas? 0.85

00:43:41.000 Sublimation.

00:43:43.000 She was being sublimated as we spoke. 0.97

00:43:46.000 And so I wanted her keys.

00:43:47.000 No one told me she took an Uber there.

00:43:49.000 That would have been nice to know.

00:43:51.000 So I'm watching people go.

00:43:52.000 I'm driving women to their homes because everyone's pretty local. 1.00

00:43:57.000 Stressed out.

00:43:57.000 Are you okay?

00:43:58.000 And that was, I wanted to stay up to do that because my whole point was to ingratiate myself with the new friends, right?

00:44:04.000 And the one that got mad at me for saying I feel like I'm Mexican, I was determined to drive her home because I was worried that she, I had blown burn that bridge with my first step on it.

00:44:16.000 Can you sense my stress?

00:44:17.000 It was the most, like, we've had our site hacked.

00:44:20.000 We had to lose free speech.tv as a name.

00:44:24.000 Or we're going to get sued to smithereens.

00:44:27.000 We had Stripe Buddhas off and take all of our information.

00:44:31.000 Not take it, but refuse to give it to us.

00:44:33.000 Keep it in some stasis on a satellite somewhere.

00:44:37.000 All of those were the end of the company and the end of my career.

00:44:41.000 I mean, what am I going to do after this?

00:44:42.000 Start a new magazine called Vice 2?

00:44:44.000 Go do a loop-de-loop?

00:44:47.000 And that was obviously very stressful, but you sit there, you talk to lawyers, you talk to your tech guy, you figure out ways, you talk about solutions.

00:44:55.000 You usually have four or five solutions to a problem, and you choose the most, the cheapest and the fastest one, right?

00:45:01.000 This wasn't like that, dude.

00:45:02.000 I was sweating, running up and down the stairs, fucking hell.

00:45:08.000 I'm talking to you here on a human level.

00:45:11.000 Like, imagine you gave a bunch of retards LSD and speed, and you weren't allowed to be mean or inconvenience them in any way. 1.00

00:45:20.000 That's what I lived through.

00:45:22.000 Mikey! 0.65

00:45:25.000 That was my name.

00:45:26.000 Mikey! 0.65

00:45:27.000 And when I would run down and see what the Gavin was about.

00:45:31.000 It was like, I need a drink, Bluetooth doesn't work.

00:45:34.000 Why isn't the music louder?

00:45:36.000 They always want it louder.

00:45:42.000 And then they're dancing with each other.

00:45:44.000 And they're, oh, yeah, that's another thing.

00:45:45.000 I'm trying to talk to one of them, like, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:45:47.000 Like, come up and dance.

00:45:48.000 Dragging you up to dance.

00:45:50.000 The last thing you feel like doing is dancing with a retard who's on LSD and speed at the same time and can't be chastised. 1.00

00:45:59.000 I'll eat your ass. 1.00

00:46:01.000 So it gets later and later.

00:46:03.000 I find out the woman I was the most worried about driving can't even drive. 0.97

00:46:06.000 Her car isn't even there.

00:46:08.000 She wants me to drive her home and it's like half an hour away.

00:46:10.000 Like, no.

00:46:12.000 I'll pay for Nuba with my own money.

00:46:15.000 So they keep parting and parting.

00:46:18.000 It was a funny, there was an article in the New York Post about New Yorkers moving to the suburbs with this massive exodus from the Manhattan, the Manhattan.

00:46:25.000 And it has a woman in Jersey going like this. 1.00

00:46:28.000 And it says, since these Manhattanites been moving up here, it's nothing but renos and construction and loud parties all night.

00:46:34.000 And I was like, yeah, I'm in the article.

00:46:36.000 It's this house.

00:46:37.000 Bang, boom, boom, boom.

00:46:39.000 I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops.

00:46:41.000 We're up to like 3 a.m. now.

00:46:43.000 So I figure, okay, I can finally relax.

00:46:46.000 I've cleaned up all the spills.

00:46:48.000 We're down to like five people, including that weird dude who came by.

00:46:52.000 I was trying to fuck one. 0.93

00:46:53.000 I think he was trying to fuck the one who was the bitch. 1.00

00:46:55.000 Hot shit.

00:46:57.000 But her husband, then I hear she called her husband to come pick her up.

00:47:00.000 He's a great guy, by the way.

00:47:02.000 I love all these people outside of this.

00:47:04.000 Not one person there do I dislike when they're sitting on a lawn shirt at a baseball game.

00:47:08.000 In this context, just leave.

00:47:11.000 Just go somewhere else.

00:47:13.000 Oh, God, that was me.

00:47:15.000 So then I hear, I hear, by the way, I'm upstairs.

00:47:20.000 Some of the women are skulking around on the second floor. 0.99

00:47:24.000 Like my kids are sleeping up there.

00:47:26.000 And I hear like, right, with their like, they come wearing stilettos like this, right?

00:47:31.000 And inevitably, at that time, then it's just like socks or like, you know, bare feet.

00:47:37.000 And I'm hearing, all right?

00:47:37.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:47:39.000 Get down, get down. 0.99

00:47:40.000 I'm like, there you are.

00:47:43.000 Get down, get down. 0.99

00:47:45.000 Where the fuck have you been?

00:47:47.000 You're jukebox dancing.

00:47:50.000 It's as big as a whale.

00:47:55.000 They have no concept of this sums up the night in a nutshell.

00:47:59.000 All right.

00:47:59.000 I'm in bed.

00:48:00.000 I'm in my underwear, my t-shirt, and socks, like Robert Crumb.

00:48:04.000 And I'm finally getting tired enough.

00:48:08.000 Like, the adrenaline has finally simmered down, or I think I might be able to sleep.

00:48:11.000 It's 3 a.m. now.

00:48:13.000 Plus, I know she's going to be destroyed the next day.

00:48:15.000 So my littlest gets up around 6.

00:48:17.000 I got to get up with him.

00:48:18.000 So I'm looking at three hours here.

00:48:22.000 Or what?

00:48:23.000 We all sleep till like 10, and he's just been sitting there for four hours alone in a sleeping house, staring at a screen, playing his fucking Ding Bat game, whatever the game, Nintendo Switch, which is child abuse.

00:48:35.000 So it's either get three hours of sleep or abuse your child. 0.83

00:48:38.000 Not great options.

00:48:40.000 That's true.

00:48:41.000 And I hear her say, my husband's coming to pick me up.

00:48:44.000 That's the bitch who called the Jewish woman who called my Italian buddy a fucking Jew. 1.00

00:48:49.000 And I hear, my husband's kind of picking me up.

00:48:53.000 He's going to party with us, you guys.

00:48:55.000 And then I hear, woo! 0.96

00:48:57.000 And then my wife goes, oh, Gavin loves him.

00:48:59.000 I'm going to wake him up.

00:49:00.000 Don't worry, I'll go wake him up.

00:49:03.000 And I'm like, and then I become Anne Frank.

00:49:06.000 And I unplug my phone and hide it, because if they see it's plugged in, they know I'm nearby.

00:49:11.000 And I crawl under my bed.

00:49:14.000 I have a laundry hamper there.

00:49:16.000 I crawl underneath my bed.

00:49:18.000 I'm behind the laundry hamper, hiding, cowering in fear, petrified of the drunk women. 0.99

00:49:25.000 I felt ugly.

00:49:26.000 I felt gay.

00:49:28.000 That's how my night ended.

00:49:30.000 Writing my diary from under the bed, talking about the Nazis.

00:49:35.000 The why of things.

00:49:37.000 I know the why.

00:49:38.000 It's called booze.

00:49:40.000 Women should not drink alcohol. 1.00

00:49:44.000 It's bad for them.

00:49:48.000 So I had to get that story out.

00:49:50.000 I feel a lot better.

00:49:51.000 I'll tell you what.

00:49:52.000 You know what was some catharsis during all this?

00:49:55.000 Knowing I could tell the story and get it out.

00:49:59.000 You people are my therapy.

00:50:01.000 Thank you for this.

00:50:02.000 Thank you for being there.

00:50:04.000 Because I thought at least I have content.

00:50:06.000 What are you doing?

00:50:08.000 Lining up an Indian Joker. 0.99

00:50:10.000 Oh.

00:50:13.000 Quite a while.

00:50:24.000 All right, let's get to the Super Bowl.

00:50:26.000 So very snowy weekend.

00:50:30.000 The commercials were fucking woke central.

00:50:34.000 Wokeety, woke, woke, woke.

00:50:36.000 Let's look at some of them.

00:50:38.000 One of the most disturbing ones was this fucking Amazon Alexa's body. 0.98

00:50:43.000 So this woman's clearly in a loveless marriage. 1.00

00:50:47.000 She wants to die.

00:50:49.000 And she wants to fuck Chadwick Boseman. 1.00

00:50:51.000 Okay, I'm sure a lot of women do. 1.00

00:50:54.000 But to flaunt it, like, first, you know, the old, can you imagine if the races were reversed? 0.88

00:51:02.000 How about, can you imagine if the genders were reversed? 0.97

00:51:06.000 Oh, wow.

00:51:07.000 Yeah.

00:51:08.000 So her thing is, stop, stop, stop.

00:51:10.000 So her thing is like, the Alexa, the new Alexa is beautiful.

00:51:13.000 But I can't only think of one thing that would be more beautiful to be an Alexa, to be Alexis for the Alexa thing to be inside.

00:51:20.000 A more beautiful case, as it were, would be this guy, Chadwick.

00:51:23.000 What's his name?

00:51:24.000 That's Michael Border.

00:51:25.000 Or Jack Borseman?

00:51:26.000 Michael B. Jordan.

00:51:27.000 Michael B. Chadwick Boseman died.

00:51:28.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:29.000 Yeah.

00:51:30.000 I always thought this guy was gay because he lives with his mom, but he's not.

00:51:33.000 Yeah.

00:51:34.000 Well, you never know.

00:51:35.000 But check it out.

00:51:37.000 There are 16 tablespoons.

00:51:39.000 It's just flawless, isn't it?

00:51:42.000 I think so.

00:51:43.000 I mean, I literally couldn't imagine a more beautiful vessel for Alexa to be inside. 0.94

00:51:52.000 Blacks can do anything they want. 1.00

00:51:53.000 How many tablespoons?

00:51:54.000 Women can do anything they want. 1.00

00:51:56.000 In this case, you have a woman enjoying her infidelity. 0.74

00:52:00.000 As a man, a cuck commercial, as her cuck husband.

00:52:03.000 And by the way, we finally got a black family staying together.

00:52:05.000 Can we keep them together, please?

00:52:08.000 In this cuck commercial, he's constantly flailing, trying to maintain his marriage.

00:52:12.000 There are 16 tablespoons in a cup.

00:52:15.000 Bear, food just got here.

00:52:17.000 Why are you cooking?

00:52:19.000 Who's that?

00:52:20.000 Alexa.

00:52:21.000 Turn on the sprinklers.

00:52:24.000 Honey, I already ran the sprinklers.

00:52:25.000 Things are getting way too wet around here.

00:52:28.000 Alexa, didn't like you was seen. 0.99

00:52:34.000 Alexa, lights up.

00:52:36.000 Alexa, lights up.

00:52:37.000 Add bath oils to my shopping window.

00:52:38.000 Wait, you're enjoying it?

00:52:39.000 That was fun.

00:52:40.000 His part with it.

00:52:41.000 Alexa, lights up.

00:52:42.000 He's a good actor.

00:52:43.000 Yeah.

00:52:44.000 But imagine this because like, imagine, who's this fucking smoke show that everyone wants to bone?

00:52:49.000 Dua Lipe.

00:52:50.000 Imagine Alexa was Dua Lipe and she had sort of a catatonic, like, I'm a whore thing. 1.00

00:52:56.000 Like, Dua Lipe, dim the lights.

00:52:57.000 Okay, bad.

00:52:58.000 I'm a robot whore.

00:52:59.000 And then she takes off her top and puts it on the lamp and is like, just has her bra on.

00:53:03.000 Like, oh my god.

00:53:04.000 Hello.

00:53:05.000 I'm addicted to cocksucking. 0.99

00:53:08.000 You don't have to plug me in.

00:53:09.000 I run on cum.

00:53:10.000 And the guys are just staring at her.

00:53:12.000 Yeah, and all the guys are like, I got plenty of cum.

00:53:17.000 I mean, everyone involved would be, they'd have to get on a spaceship and leave the planet.

00:53:23.000 They'd put them in a rocket prison, just like in Superman where they're in those record sleeves.

00:53:28.000 That also explodes.

00:53:30.000 And people would pay, it's pay-per-view to watch it explode.

00:53:34.000 Alexa, lights up.

00:53:36.000 Add bath oils to my shopping list. 0.74

00:53:39.000 Alexa, no. 1.00

00:53:40.000 Add lube to my shopping list.

00:53:41.000 Do a lipe.

00:53:43.000 Read my audiobook.

00:53:44.000 Now I'm in the bath with her, and she's wearing like a tight top. 0.96

00:53:48.000 And my wife is in the other room going, hey, what's going on in there? 1.00

00:53:51.000 My slightly plump wife, who's given me lots of kids and is a little bit past her prime, is looking at this young nubile woman. 1.00

00:53:58.000 Hey, hey.

00:54:00.000 See, this is why I say we don't live in an egalitarian society.

00:54:04.000 You talk about equality, yet you get to do all this shit that we're not allowed to do.

00:54:08.000 It's called black privilege. 0.87

00:54:09.000 It's called female privilege. 1.00

00:54:11.000 White privilege, male privilege are not a thing.

00:54:15.000 Alexa, no, don't do that. 1.00

00:54:17.000 Read my audio book.

00:54:19.000 I was in his hands.

00:54:21.000 I was being changed.

00:54:26.000 This is how much I hate my marriage and how much I constantly lust do Alepe.

00:54:31.000 Imagine I was at work right now and you're like, we're going to do the mailbag.

00:54:34.000 And then you turn over and I just have my face up against my computer screen going, I want to suck her. 1.00

00:54:38.000 It's so bad.

00:54:40.000 I don't just touch your pussy, probably. 1.00

00:54:42.000 Tastes like water.

00:54:45.000 Perfect labia.

00:54:47.000 You could barely fit a dime in there.

00:54:50.000 Looks like a little razor slit.

00:54:52.000 It's not even a pussy. 1.00

00:54:53.000 It's just an opening.

00:54:55.000 Little pink asshole. 1.00

00:54:58.000 Round butt cheeks. 0.50

00:55:00.000 Two best friends that are bowling balls hanging on.

00:55:04.000 Tits, little pink nipples. 0.99

00:55:06.000 Tits and that. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Same thing.

00:55:07.000 Only one has nipples.

00:55:09.000 Upside down.

00:55:10.000 Same thing.

00:55:11.000 Perfect leg.

00:55:13.000 Oh! 0.60

00:55:14.000 Oh, sorry.

00:55:17.000 I'm at work.

00:55:20.000 I was all fucked up.

00:55:22.000 The New York Post gave it four footballs.

00:55:27.000 I haven't seen this Cadillac scissor hands-free yet.

00:55:34.000 I guess they couldn't get Johnny Depp.

00:55:36.000 Isn't he desperate for me?

00:55:37.000 This is the story of a boy with scissors for hands.

00:55:40.000 No, not that one.

00:55:42.000 Edgar, you're gonna be late.

00:55:44.000 This one.

00:55:45.000 My son, Edgar.

00:55:47.000 Bye, sweetie.

00:55:52.000 This is my life.

00:55:55.000 60th Lancer Street.

00:55:59.000 Oh, there's steel cables.

00:56:07.000 Of course, the science teacher is a black woman. 0.98

00:56:10.000 Yeah.

00:56:10.000 This is getting so relentless.

00:56:21.000 Hey, buddy.

00:56:24.000 Stick with the money.

00:56:29.000 That meeting would not end.

00:56:35.000 Does he talk in that movie?

00:56:37.000 I don't remember.

00:56:43.000 Oh, because he broke the thing last time.

00:56:51.000 You're watching me watch a commercial.

00:56:54.000 Okay, I get it.

00:56:55.000 It's hands-free driving.

00:56:56.000 Go ahead and try it.

00:56:59.000 Great commercial.

00:57:00.000 That's really smart.

00:57:01.000 Well done.

00:57:02.000 I have no beef with it.

00:57:03.000 That's a hit.

00:57:04.000 What do you think?

00:57:05.000 I'm excited for all of that.

00:57:07.000 I want to rewatch the movie, and I also want to get a hands-free Cadillac.

00:57:11.000 Okay, check out this super annoying one, though.

00:57:13.000 This is so cringe.

00:57:14.000 Cheetos, it wasn't me.

00:57:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:17.000 And again, speaking of black privilege, Shaggy's American. 0.75

00:57:20.000 He's doing a fake Sambo Jamaican accent.

00:57:25.000 He's an American dude.

00:57:27.000 There's nothing Jamaican about him.

00:57:28.000 Maybe his parents are.

00:57:31.000 Damn it now.

00:57:38.000 Just tell him it wasn't you.

00:57:40.000 But I caught you at the counter.

00:57:42.000 Wasn't me.

00:57:45.000 High school play.

00:57:47.000 Wasn't me.

00:57:50.000 You even had him in the shower.

00:57:55.000 You even had him in the shower.

00:57:58.000 You even had him in the shower.

00:58:01.000 This is so fucking corny.

00:58:03.000 Get a new bag of Cheetos.

00:58:04.000 I'll buy them.

00:58:06.000 Really?

00:58:07.000 Two bucks.

00:58:08.000 I even caught you on camera.

00:58:10.000 Why is he Indian? 0.99

00:58:11.000 Why is she eating Cheetos in front of her house? 1.00

00:58:13.000 Yeah, that's weird.

00:58:14.000 Why is he Indian? 0.99

00:58:16.000 I even caught you on camera.

00:58:19.000 Remember how much shit he got in for pops?

00:58:21.000 That made Majid Nawaz's career.

00:58:24.000 Pops?

00:58:25.000 Yeah, pop chips.

00:58:26.000 See if you can dig this up.

00:58:27.000 So Ashton Kutcher played a variety of characters To advertise pop chips.

00:58:31.000 He did a biker, he did a fucking scientist, did a nerd, did a hunk, I guess.

00:58:37.000 And then he did an Indian. 0.98

00:58:38.000 You know, people can only do so many accents.

00:58:40.000 And when you're talented, as talentless as he is, and you say, shower, you can do an Indian accent. 0.99

00:58:46.000 So he was like, chibuti booty, I like to eat the pop chips, Buster. 0.96

00:58:50.000 Oh my gosh.

00:58:52.000 I'm Raj.

00:58:52.000 I'm a Bollywood producer.

00:58:54.000 I'm looking for the most delicious thing on the planet.

00:58:56.000 Yes, it's Ashton Kutcher in brown makeup pretending to be a Bollywood producer.

00:59:02.000 Look for love.

00:59:03.000 This online ad had to be pulled after some deemed it racist, saying the character Ashton played of Raj was a stereotype and showed the Indian community in a bad light.

00:59:15.000 Really?

00:59:15.000 He's a millionaire.

00:59:20.000 Doesn't that portray French people in a bad light?

00:59:23.000 I'm seeking higher planes of consciousness.

00:59:24.000 And a tattooed southerner.

00:59:26.000 I'm looking for something that hat and spassy.

00:59:28.000 All of these videos have stayed on Facebook and YouTube.

00:59:31.000 So then Majid Nawaz, who's a nobody at the time, does this big fucking browbeating about how racist it is.

00:59:37.000 No one ever explains why or how.

00:59:40.000 They just go, depicting my culture as racist.

00:59:42.000 Like my buddy, my liberal buddy that I lost recently was like, you're so fucking insane if you don't think the Chinese guy in 16 Candles is racist.

00:59:51.000 I can't even tell if you're kidding or not.

00:59:52.000 And I go, yes, I get that there's a gong every time you see him.

00:59:56.000 He's upside down in a tree going, and I get why that checks off the boxes.

01:00:03.000 But let's look at the boxes.

01:00:06.000 It's an exaggeration of a Chinaman doing Chinese shit. 1.00

01:00:11.000 If it was a Scotsman and every time you saw him, it was like a bagpipe and he was like, top of the margin.

01:00:16.000 No, no, that's Irish.

01:00:17.000 But he was like, okay, the new.

01:00:20.000 And he had a tartan hat on.

01:00:21.000 And then he was always drunk every night.

01:00:23.000 You're like, yeah, that's funny.

01:00:26.000 You're exaggerating our culture.

01:00:28.000 But you can't do it to non-whites. 1.00

01:00:30.000 Can't exaggerate their culture.

01:00:33.000 What are you looking up?

01:00:35.000 Show me Majid Noaj.

01:00:36.000 Oh, I got the wrong guy.

01:00:37.000 Hasin Manaj.

01:00:39.000 What's his name?

01:00:39.000 Oh, the Daily Show guy.

01:00:41.000 I fucking hate this.

01:00:42.000 Hassan Minaj.

01:00:43.000 Hassan Minaj.

01:00:44.000 He's the worst.

01:00:45.000 He was hired because they were desperate for Muslim comedians, but Muslims aren't funny. 1.00

01:00:49.000 So they found a guy with Muslim parents and said, let's just do this.

01:00:54.000 The truth.

01:00:55.000 Drop the truth on us, Hassan. 1.00

01:00:58.000 He did this one thing that everybody was Yasqueening. 1.00

01:01:03.000 They were like, yas, him talking about white people is so cool.

01:01:06.000 He's just talking about how boring white people are.

01:01:08.000 He's like, I'm sorry, I'm not another, you know, white guy who's just average.

01:01:11.000 Sorry, we shit on the street everywhere.

01:01:12.000 Oh, he shit on somebody specifically, too.

01:01:14.000 Dax Shepard, who was being super nice to him.

01:01:18.000 And he said that Hassan Minaj was awesome.

01:01:21.000 And then he was like, yeah, Dax is like a five.

01:01:24.000 I mean, I went to school with like 900 Dax Shepherds. 0.99

01:01:26.000 They're all boring.

01:01:27.000 Oh, I remember that.

01:01:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:30.000 He also implied that Dax Shepard wouldn't have a career if he wasn't white.

01:01:34.000 Right.

01:01:34.000 Which is ironic because this guy wouldn't have a career if he wasn't brown.

01:01:37.000 True.

01:01:39.000 And he wouldn't be exciting it if everybody brown had a, you know, job. 1.00

01:01:44.000 What's up, everybody?

01:01:46.000 This is the truth with Hazan Minaj.

01:01:48.000 Are you offended by me doing that?

01:01:49.000 No.

01:01:50.000 You should be.

01:01:50.000 That's how you talk.

01:01:51.000 That's how Indians talk.

01:01:53.000 If you don't know why I'm doing that, it's because two days ago, Ashton Kutcher decided to do a pop-chips commercial, and it was extremely offensive.

01:02:00.000 What up?

01:02:00.000 I'm Vraj.

01:02:01.000 I'm a Bollywood producer.

01:02:03.000 I'm looking for the most delicious thing on the planet.

01:02:05.000 Tell me why.

01:02:06.000 Number one, white dude in brown face. 0.90

01:02:10.000 Why?

01:02:11.000 Because he's doing a race that's brown. 1.00

01:02:14.000 So you want to look like that person.

01:02:17.000 When Fred Armerson played Obama and he was still his white face, he looked like Obama had eaten some bad fish and was about to throw up.

01:02:27.000 Funny.

01:02:28.000 Even the Metro PCS guys are like, just listen to his accent.

01:02:33.000 I like snooky and jaywow.

01:02:36.000 Wow.

01:02:37.000 I want to taste the sweetness on my lips.

01:02:44.000 No Indian people talk like that. 1.00

01:02:49.000 We don't sound like that.

01:02:49.000 You know what?

01:02:50.000 Okay, stop.

01:02:51.000 You want to be scientific about it?

01:02:52.000 Have Ashton Kutcher do his thing into a tape recorder.

01:02:55.000 Don't look it up.

01:02:57.000 And then have like seven Indians do like, I'm off duty, buddy. 1.00

01:03:01.000 Saudi can help you out, my buddy, dude.

01:03:03.000 And then Hassan here has to find which one is Ashton.

01:03:07.000 My bad.

01:03:07.000 Guarantee you he won't be able to do it.

01:03:10.000 Sorry, it's a very easy accent to do.

01:03:12.000 Probably because they're the most Caucasian race there is. 1.00

01:03:15.000 They're from the Caucasus Mountains, like we are.

01:03:18.000 So, or they're basically us.

01:03:21.000 In fact, I've heard that genetically, it's very hard to differentiate between Indians and white people.

01:03:26.000 If you're going to do an impersonation.

01:03:27.000 Wait, that wasn't him doing a, oh, I'm Indian impression phase?

01:03:32.000 If you're going to do an impersonation, do it correctly.

01:03:34.000 That freeze frame looked like the references don't even make sense.

01:03:39.000 When I did this film, the ties very similar to milk.

01:03:42.000 We called it Kool-Aid.

01:03:43.000 You have a shitty accent, and you're not even being racist correctly.

01:03:47.000 What is that?

01:03:48.000 Like, if you're going to be racist, come correct with your racism.

01:03:51.000 Okay, look, maybe.

01:03:52.000 It's a trope people say.

01:03:54.000 I'm not offended.

01:03:54.000 I just don't think it's funny.

01:03:56.000 That way you can keep the high ground and you don't look like a prude.

01:03:59.000 Anyway, sorry.

01:04:00.000 Tangent.

01:04:03.000 But go back to the Cheetos thing.

01:04:05.000 This is so much brown privilege. 0.89

01:04:07.000 Tito.

01:04:13.000 I'm pretending to be Jamaican and Indian at the same time.

01:04:30.000 I'm not sure what the premise of this.

01:04:33.000 I mean, there's a way to do this comically, but you'd have to exaggerate it way more.

01:04:36.000 They're kind of taking it seriously.

01:04:38.000 You know what I mean?

01:04:40.000 Well, did you?

01:04:43.000 Wasn't me.

01:04:46.000 Oh.

01:04:48.000 Okay.

01:04:50.000 Well, that's the first time that's ever worked.

01:04:52.000 New Cheetos Crunch Pop Mix.

01:04:55.000 Wait, is that him doing a Jamaican accent in the talking part at the very end?

01:04:58.000 Cheetos pop mix.

01:04:59.000 Sereno.

01:05:01.000 Second, you're good.

01:05:02.000 Again, another cuck commercial, too.

01:05:04.000 He's the loser there.

01:05:06.000 There's an infidelity overtone, just like this one.

01:05:09.000 Not as brazen as the Alexa thing.

01:05:11.000 But He's the loser.

01:05:12.000 He's the dummy.

01:05:13.000 All right, let's do one more.

01:05:14.000 Let's do Wayne's World.

01:05:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:17.000 It's good that they're keeping rock and roll alive with Wayne's World.

01:05:21.000 Well, it's weird because Dana Carvey and him have bad blood.

01:05:25.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:26.000 He was really pissed that.

01:05:29.000 Well, first he was pissed that he tried to quit Wayne's World 2.

01:05:33.000 I think he's the reason there's no Wayne's World 3.

01:05:35.000 Remember, he tried to get the bottom of that story?

01:05:37.000 Yeah, he wanted to write him.

01:05:38.000 He wrote himself in for a bigger part, and then they were like, nah.

01:05:44.000 And he was like, you know what?

01:05:44.000 And like a couple days before shooting, he was like, I don't think I want to do it anymore.

01:05:47.000 And they were like, oh, yeah.

01:05:48.000 And they're like, fine, fine.

01:05:50.000 You'll have all the scenes you want.

01:05:51.000 He wrote himself a character arc.

01:05:54.000 And then he was mad that he didn't get to be part of Austin Powers.

01:05:58.000 But also, Doctor Evil is Lauren Michaels.

01:06:00.000 And it's Dana Carvey's imitation of Lauren Michaels.

01:06:03.000 He took his impression of Lauren Michaels and they made it Doctor Evil.

01:06:18.000 Hey, everyone.

01:06:19.000 We're wrinkling.

01:06:26.000 But we'd never manipulate you the way all these other commercials do.

01:06:33.000 God, we're getting old.

01:06:34.000 Shut up that's really sad.

01:06:37.000 Totally.

01:06:38.000 We're better than that.

01:06:40.000 Yeah, we'd never shamelessly rely on a celebrity cameo.

01:06:44.000 Right, Cardi B?

01:06:46.000 Yeah, eat local.

01:06:49.000 Or jump on the lid as well.

01:06:50.000 Is Botox?

01:06:51.000 Stop, stop.

01:06:52.000 Is Dana Carvey no Botox?

01:06:54.000 And that's...

01:06:55.000 Are these our options when we become old men?

01:06:58.000 When?

01:06:59.000 While we become old men?

01:07:00.000 Like, he looks like a normal kind of old, right? 0.99

01:07:03.000 We just get wrinkly, whatever.

01:07:05.000 But he seems to have done shit to his fucking face.

01:07:08.000 He's got filler.

01:07:09.000 Yeah, it does look a little filly.

01:07:11.000 He looks like the guys, the expendables.

01:07:15.000 I think Sly Stone told everyone in the Expendables, you need to have at least one liter of filler in your face before we start this movie.

01:07:22.000 They look fucking weird, especially Sly Stone.

01:07:24.000 Look up the trailer for the Expendables.

01:07:28.000 They all look like they just woke up and they were crying all night.

01:07:32.000 And then they ate a bag of salt.

01:07:34.000 Expendables.

01:07:35.000 And then they drank 37 liters of water.

01:07:41.000 The bag of salt.

01:07:42.000 I couldn't watch the movie.

01:07:42.000 I had to turn it off.

01:07:44.000 Oh, even Kotor looked a little fluffy.

01:07:48.000 It's time for it.

01:07:48.000 Yo, got the four on the left.

01:07:51.000 Why don't you take the two on the right and leave the rest?

01:07:53.000 You're not the fast anymore.

01:07:54.000 Oh, here we go.

01:07:55.000 The only thing faster is.

01:08:02.000 Hang on, let's see this.

01:08:04.000 Well, I got three pieces of work.

01:08:05.000 Two will walk in a park.

01:08:06.000 Oh, that's bad.

01:08:07.000 Mickey Lord.

01:08:08.000 It couldn't even show up for more than a second.

01:08:10.000 I gotta recon this island first.

01:08:12.000 I die like I thought it would.

01:08:18.000 Look at him.

01:08:20.000 He loves playing in the jungle, right?

01:08:22.000 Lad, he loves.

01:08:24.000 Look at him.

01:08:24.000 They had his juicy, wrinkle faces.

01:08:26.000 Yeah, they look so juicy.

01:08:29.000 They look like a tomato.

01:08:32.000 Someone just cut their faces up and put on a salad. 0.87

01:08:35.000 I'm gay for Jason Statham, by the way.

01:08:37.000 Did you know that?

01:08:37.000 Jason Statham was pretty cool.

01:08:39.000 He's my top boyfriend.

01:08:41.000 And of all the guys I beat off to, he's probably got a good four quarts of cum next to the bed.

01:08:46.000 I'm not gonna lie.

01:08:47.000 Your guy can probably beat up my man crush. 0.99

01:08:50.000 Who's your man crush?

01:08:52.000 Steve Coogan.

01:08:53.000 Steve Coogan is a fucking fag. 1.00

01:08:54.000 He'd pull him by the hair.

01:08:55.000 Jason Statham could rip his nose off and shove it up his ass.

01:08:58.000 I know.

01:08:58.000 And I'd cry.

01:09:00.000 I'd say that's not.

01:09:00.000 You're not supposed to have a man crush that's not tough.

01:09:02.000 That means it's a crush crush.

01:09:05.000 Oops.

01:09:06.000 Your man crush has to be in an action film.

01:09:08.000 That's the whole joke.

01:09:09.000 Hey, look at that.

01:09:10.000 He said it's gay.

01:09:10.000 Right.

01:09:11.000 Hey, look at these.

01:09:11.000 He's tough.

01:09:12.000 Look at these guys.

01:09:13.000 Wait, you might as well make your man crush like Seth Rogan.

01:09:18.000 Or like Judd Appetow.

01:09:19.000 Closer.

01:09:20.000 You're making your man crush can't be someone in comedy, you fucking idiot.

01:09:25.000 True.

01:09:25.000 Who has a man crush that's a comedian?

01:09:28.000 That's just gay. 1.00

01:09:29.000 You're just gay. 1.00

01:09:30.000 You're just a gay guy. 1.00

01:09:32.000 Yeah.

01:09:34.000 The whole joke is that you're disturbed by the fact that you find their toughness attractive, not like someone you'd want to marry and settle down.

01:09:43.000 Like, no, I think he's smart, funny, and handsome.

01:09:45.000 It's like, yeah, that's gay. 0.99

01:09:46.000 Okay, go back to shit world.

01:09:48.000 It's such an easy ad.

01:09:50.000 Jesus Christ.

01:09:52.000 Emio.

01:09:54.000 Right, Cardi B?

01:09:56.000 Yeah, iloco.

01:09:58.000 Il loco.

01:09:58.000 She's 28.

01:10:00.000 Doesn't she feel like a 40-year-old woman? 1.00

01:10:02.000 She looks like a gorgeous 50-year-old.

01:10:04.000 Yeah.

01:10:05.000 She looks like the hottest. 0.88

01:10:06.000 When I look at her, I go, wow, black don't crack. 0.83

01:10:08.000 You're the hottest 50-year-old I've ever seen.

01:10:10.000 Yeah.

01:10:11.000 Yeah.

01:10:12.000 Il loco and your pussy with your pH balance, motherfucker. 1.00

01:10:16.000 You sucking dick. 0.97

01:10:17.000 On the latest trend.

01:10:27.000 All right.

01:10:33.000 Is she barefoot?

01:10:35.000 She's got flappers on with some shoes and shit. 1.00

01:10:38.000 Some doofy shoes.

01:10:40.000 Green shoes.

01:10:41.000 No, but her right foot looks like it's twisted like an ostrich. 1.00

01:10:44.000 It's just turned.

01:10:45.000 There's also something.

01:10:46.000 But she has no shoes on.

01:10:47.000 See that type of blanket that's next to Garth?

01:10:49.000 That's also on the bottom next to her foot.

01:10:51.000 It's like skin tone almost.

01:10:52.000 Let's zoom in here.

01:10:54.000 Let's do a zoom.

01:10:55.000 Let those zombie. 1.00

01:10:57.000 Because that's every time I see a picture at a party, she always has her stupid shoes off, just like my wife's friends at that party from hell. 1.00

01:11:03.000 I feel like I haven't had a weekend, too.

01:11:05.000 That's true.

01:11:06.000 Like I almost didn't come into work today.

01:11:07.000 Holy shit.

01:11:08.000 Because I thought I would like a weekend.

01:11:10.000 I had a hoe day. 0.99

01:11:11.000 Like a beat up on Friday.

01:11:16.000 When I did Race Wars, too.

01:11:19.000 Come on, let's go. 0.98

01:11:20.000 We gotta go.

01:11:22.000 Everyone over the hill now.

01:11:28.000 What are you doing?

01:11:30.000 I thank you for your service.

01:11:31.000 Just thanking you for your service.

01:11:32.000 Oh, I see.

01:11:33.000 Okay, last story before we get to the mailbag.

01:11:36.000 This is amazing.

01:11:38.000 This is today's show.

01:11:38.000 It's called Brown Privilege.

01:11:40.000 Or maybe Black Privilege. 0.51

01:11:42.000 Gorilla Glue Hairspray has gals stuck in hospital.

01:11:45.000 So this woman, she used gorilla glue in her hair because she's a fucking retard. 1.00

01:11:53.000 You know what you do when someone puts gorilla glue in their hair and they can't get it out and they end up in the hospital?

01:11:58.000 You make fun of them.

01:12:00.000 You laugh at them.

01:12:02.000 You ridicule them so they never live it down.

01:12:05.000 No, she didn't accidentally use it.

01:12:08.000 She said, she read somewhere, some troll tricked her, and she thought, yeah, this will really slick my hair back.

01:12:15.000 And then, of course, it didn't come off.

01:12:17.000 So what I find amazing about this is if this was a Goomba who had a fade, but it was long at the top, and he used Gorilla Glue, and he's like, oh, I fucking use Gorilla Glue.

01:12:27.000 And now my hair is all stuck.

01:12:29.000 So I got to go to the fucking hospital.

01:12:32.000 People would be him for Halloween.

01:12:35.000 There'd be memes.

01:12:36.000 He'd be like Gino, Gorilla Gino would be his nickname.

01:12:40.000 They'd have Gorilla Gino t-shirts.

01:12:41.000 Lots of LOLs with tears coming out.

01:12:44.000 All of the responses on Twitter to this woman are praying for Gorilla Girl.

01:12:49.000 Well, they wouldn't call her Gorilla Girl.

01:12:51.000 There's no way.

01:12:52.000 I forget what they call her.

01:12:54.000 I actually, I have it somewhere in my notes if you can't pull it up.

01:13:00.000 Uh-oh.

01:13:02.000 You know, I know this isn't the case, but there's a thing called Moco de Gorilla.

01:13:07.000 Moco de Goria.

01:13:08.000 And it's a very popular gel amongst Latin Americans.

01:13:12.000 It's cheap looking.

01:13:14.000 Like that's, you know.

01:13:16.000 It's like a real cheap looking.

01:13:18.000 And I wonder, wonder, wonder if one of her Latina friends was like, no, you got it.

01:13:21.000 It's like this gorilla, like gorilla glue hair shit.

01:13:25.000 Oh, she's giving her way too much credit.

01:13:28.000 I think that's even too nice.

01:13:30.000 But see if you can find it on TikTok?

01:13:34.000 No, on fucking Twitter.

01:13:37.000 The reactions are amazing.

01:13:40.000 It's all just like...

01:13:41.000 They're supportive on hey man.

01:13:43.000 Like peace be with you.

01:13:45.000 Love you.

01:13:47.000 You can do it, girl.

01:13:49.000 You know, wish you nothing but the best.

01:13:53.000 And again, can you imagine if the races were reversed?

01:13:59.000 Just look her up anyone on Twitter.

01:14:00.000 Gorilla Glue Hair.

01:14:02.000 Is that it?

01:14:02.000 There's a GoFundMe here.

01:14:03.000 Help her out, y'all. 0.83

01:14:04.000 There, perfect.

01:14:05.000 Okay.

01:14:06.000 So just click on that and you'll see nothing but like just scroll past if it bothers you.

01:14:15.000 She got to go fund me.

01:14:16.000 Verify on Instagram.

01:14:17.000 Ride the wave.

01:14:17.000 Literally making the best out of it.

01:14:19.000 Queen, queen.

01:14:20.000 I love the honesty here.

01:14:21.000 I ain't shit for laughing as hard as I did, but through it all, I prayed slash pray for you to make it through this and know we love you.

01:14:28.000 Fucking hair.

01:14:29.000 I mean, maybe my beef here is actually that like whites and non-black women don't have this kind of support. 1.00

01:14:38.000 Like the second, like that, that country singer guy, as soon as he fucked up, everyone was like, fuck you, we're dropping you.

01:14:43.000 Morgan Wallen, baby.

01:14:44.000 So we both have the same problem, but in reverse.

01:14:50.000 Black people will forgive absolutely anything, including murder, and white people won't forgive anything at all, including using a jokey term with your friends.

01:15:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:03.000 Sure.

01:15:05.000 So I guess I made my point.

01:15:08.000 Just imagine like hundreds of praying for you.

01:15:11.000 Two hours ago, she was able to remove that shit all day. 0.95

01:15:14.000 Yo, that's so good.

01:15:15.000 Really?

01:15:15.000 Did she post it on a TikTok?

01:15:17.000 I want to get an update, make sure she's okay.

01:15:19.000 It says hashtag BLM, hashtag Trans Lives Matter, hashtag black translives matter fist.

01:15:23.000 Can someone advise her to try paraffin, also known as kerosene or petrol?

01:15:28.000 I think applying it for a week or two should dissolve the glue.

01:15:31.000 I can't tell if that guy's kidding or not.

01:15:33.000 Let's donate to this.

01:15:34.000 What's this got to do with anything?

01:15:35.000 Well, it's another person in need in Black History Month.

01:15:38.000 It's a black trans woman. 0.95

01:15:40.000 No, it's not.

01:15:40.000 It's called a gay.

01:15:41.000 Current goal is $200.

01:15:43.000 Okay.

01:15:44.000 Cover the cost of groceries, clothing, and other living.

01:15:46.000 I want $200.

01:15:48.000 Yeah.

01:15:49.000 She probably gets it, too.

01:15:51.000 All right, let's hit the mail B. If you will.

01:15:58.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dead.

01:16:03.000 Let's turn our eyes together's mailbed.

01:16:08.000 Let me touch it.

01:16:10.000 Sorry, when I jumped to my computer, I saw an article from when I was looking up Cassandra Jenkins.

01:16:18.000 Wolf Alice's Ellie Roswell has shared her story of meeting Marilyn Manson and to further push the narrative that he's an abuser.

01:16:27.000 I met Marilyn backstage at a festival a few years ago.

01:16:29.000 After his compliments towards my band became more and more hyperbolic, I became suspicious of his behavior.

01:16:36.000 No crimes so far.

01:16:39.000 I was shocked to look down and see he was filming up my skirt with a GoPro.

01:16:43.000 What is he, Pee-Wee Herman?

01:16:45.000 Remember Pee-Wee would do that?

01:16:46.000 He had mirror shoes.

01:16:47.000 Oh, yeah.

01:16:49.000 There were no repercussions for his behavior.

01:16:51.000 His tour manager simply said he does this kind of thing all the time.

01:16:55.000 If he does this kind of thing all the time, why on earth has he been heading festivals for so many years?

01:16:58.000 Yeah, let's throw him and Pee-Wee in jail. 1.00

01:17:03.000 That's so 1950s.

01:17:05.000 Remember Animal House when Pluto is looking up through the Dumahices? 1.00

01:17:11.000 You know, some Porky shit.

01:17:13.000 It's such a Porkies thing, yeah. 0.97

01:17:18.000 That's why I'm like, I'm okay with all this me canceling because I clearly don't belong in this time.

01:17:27.000 When I watched the movie Hot Dog, I was like, that's it.

01:17:30.000 Have her brother beat him up or something.

01:17:33.000 That's it.

01:17:34.000 That's what you do.

01:17:36.000 You know, if that happened to your sister or something, you'd be like, all right, we're going to beat him up.

01:17:40.000 I mean, but shouldn't go to like, shouldn't be canceled.

01:17:43.000 He still fucking rocks.

01:17:45.000 Well, it depends.

01:17:46.000 I mean, should a pedophile go on tour?

01:17:50.000 He did.

01:17:50.000 His name's Michael Jackson.

01:17:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:52.000 Because of black privilege, everyone was fine with him. 0.92

01:17:54.000 And somebody last night during the halftime show, he was paid homage to.

01:17:58.000 The whole thing that the weekend was wearing was paying homage to Michael Jackson.

01:18:02.000 He was wearing the gloves.

01:18:03.000 He got the shiny thing.

01:18:04.000 That halftime show was...

01:18:05.000 It was well done.

01:18:07.000 the production was impressive.

01:18:08.000 Whoever was the theater stage guy, and then the GoPro thing he held when he went behind the thing and he's in the room of mirrors.

01:18:16.000 Yeah.

01:18:17.000 Excellent production.

01:18:20.000 Underwhelming.

01:18:20.000 That guy is done.

01:18:21.000 He had his song with I Can't Feel My Face and I Like It or whatever.

01:18:25.000 And I like it.

01:18:25.000 And now it's just elevator music.

01:18:31.000 Did you see this?

01:18:35.000 Music.

01:18:38.000 Oh, I saw that one too.

01:18:39.000 And it was Joe Biden trying to find his way around the white.

01:18:42.000 That's the one I'm looking for.

01:18:43.000 Yeah.

01:18:43.000 He posted a couple of these.

01:18:44.000 Benny Johnson.

01:18:46.000 Okay.

01:18:46.000 Did you play the mailbag song?

01:18:48.000 Whoa, my brain sucks.

01:18:50.000 Damn.

01:18:51.000 Dear Anal Chinooks, that was my old band. 1.00

01:18:54.000 This intro is long, but very Asian-inspired.

01:18:56.000 Lyrics started around 1 minute 11.

01:18:58.000 It is a jokey song.

01:19:00.000 Very funny.

01:19:00.000 Read description.

01:19:01.000 Earth is flat, as your wife's ass, I'm assuming, since she's an Indian. 1.00

01:19:05.000 Yeah, that's a common saying amongst Indians.

01:19:08.000 FBI, flatbutted Indian. 0.73

01:19:09.000 But my wife's only half Indian, and her Slovak seems to have delivered her ass. 1.00

01:19:13.000 Thank God.

01:19:14.000 Hybrid vigor.

01:19:16.000 I got it too.

01:19:17.000 That's how I got my bedonk.

01:19:22.000 A minute in?

01:19:31.000 Sucks.

01:19:32.000 Next.

01:19:34.000 Cindy.

01:19:36.000 Here's Manissa. 1.00

01:19:37.000 Please check these videos.

01:19:38.000 They'd be great for video dropper final video.

01:19:40.000 Thank you.

01:19:41.000 They just in jiggle time is the first one.

01:19:44.000 Second one is this girl actually has some moves. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Check her facial expressions.

01:19:50.000 Fucking.

01:19:53.000 This Instagram player is a real pain in my deck.

01:20:06.000 Pretty good jam.

01:20:13.000 I like bad bitches like a fucking. 1.00

01:20:15.000 Yeah, they took that from that other guy.

01:20:18.000 That beat.

01:20:19.000 So it's good because it's stolen.

01:20:21.000 I like how they have America's or the world's top 550, top 10 female billionaires. 0.91

01:20:27.000 And it's all like the ex-wives of white men who busted their ass making billions. 0.78

01:20:40.000 Okay, just keep doing that for three hours a day.

01:20:44.000 And did you just start today?

01:20:47.000 That was kind of our waste of time there, lady.

01:20:50.000 Sup, G-Fool and Rhyloaf. 1.00

01:20:51.000 This article popped off my local news.

01:20:53.000 I'm curious what your take is on this.

01:20:54.000 I want to blow you on the cover of a magazine. 0.99

01:20:56.000 Jesus.

01:20:57.000 We have three more arrested at airport in Utah County massage parlor raids.

01:21:01.000 Okay.

01:21:02.000 I think I'm finally getting a grip on this and we'll discuss it tomorrow.

01:21:06.000 I think it's Asians. 0.96

01:21:07.000 Fuck.

01:21:08.000 Yeah.

01:21:09.000 That's bad news.

01:21:10.000 I think the child prostitution ring are Asians. 1.00

01:21:12.000 And I got an article that shows a bunch of mug shots and they're all Chinese.

01:21:17.000 So we may be finally solving this.

01:21:22.000 And you know what's annoying about it too?

01:21:23.000 The icon for the news is like, major child prostitution bust.

01:21:27.000 And they use Getty images as the main image.

01:21:29.000 And it's obviously two white women from behind, you know, with thigh-high boots walking down the street. 1.00

01:21:33.000 So your brain goes, white.

01:21:35.000 But it should be like, childhood pasatoshan boss.

01:21:38.000 Chinese secret.

01:21:40.000 Revealed.

01:21:42.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

01:21:45.000 Wang, yeah, this is all Asians. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Jing Wang and Zai Chai.

01:21:50.000 Zai Zai Lu.

01:21:53.000 I saw Mulan on the weekend too with my boy.

01:21:56.000 Is it boring?

01:21:57.000 It looks boring.

01:21:58.000 It's really good.

01:21:58.000 Is it good?

01:21:59.000 Yeah.

01:21:59.000 I'll watch it.

01:22:00.000 Really weird lesbian overtones, though. 1.00

01:22:03.000 Huh.

01:22:05.000 She's basically a lesbian and she doesn't want to get married. 1.00

01:22:08.000 And then she meets an older lesbian who's also a witch. 1.00

01:22:12.000 Her with the white eyes. 0.67

01:22:14.000 And she wants to kill everyone because she's mad because they don't accept her, which is kind of true of like American politics. 1.00

01:22:20.000 Like Amy Siskind and all these grumpy lesbians who want to destroy America because they think it'll never accept them. 1.00

01:22:26.000 And then you have young lesbians like this who's sort of like Ariella Scarella. 1.00

01:22:30.000 Arielle Scarella.

01:22:32.000 Remember her?

01:22:32.000 Yep.

01:22:32.000 The one I wanted to get on.

01:22:33.000 Scarcella?

01:22:34.000 Scarcella?

01:22:35.000 So it's Ariel Scarcella versus Amy Siskind.

01:22:45.000 Good cinematography.

01:22:46.000 Pretty brutal acting in one scene where all the men are eating.

01:22:50.000 But I thought, wouldn't it be funny to do an SNL parody of this called Mulatto?

01:22:56.000 Because in the movie, she has to pretend to be a boy, and then she comes out as a girl.

01:23:00.000 But in Mulatto, he's got like white face on and a blonde wig.

01:23:05.000 And then he starts doing shit.

01:23:06.000 Like, I'm sorry if this is racist, but black people can do backflips. 1.00

01:23:12.000 My son's best friend is black, and he just stands there and goes, whoop, and lands fine.

01:23:18.000 And I was like, my wife was like, no, no, no, don't do it. 0.77

01:23:20.000 So they do it secretly in another room because my wife's scared he's going to break his neck.

01:23:24.000 And he just like, whoop, boom, no, don't do it because it's racist.

01:23:28.000 And David Cho said when he was in Africa, the kids were just, they had buried a tire, an old car tire into the dirt.

01:23:35.000 And they're just running at it and then doing flips and double flips off it.

01:23:38.000 And he said when he saw that, he just went, black people are different.

01:23:42.000 Like at the Earl of March High School in Canada, me and Paul McCarthy and Peter McCarthy and Graham Thompson and James Forcher and Eric DeGrand and Steve Durand and Rick Lull, our crew, we tried to do backflips for an entire summer.

01:23:59.000 And we would even put our arms underneath the guy's ass and hold each other's hand.

01:24:03.000 I did that in the water.

01:24:04.000 It was like a brace.

01:24:05.000 And it was scary and shitty.

01:24:06.000 And we cannot do it.

01:24:08.000 No.

01:24:08.000 It's like genetically impossible to do a standing backflip.

01:24:13.000 Anyway, what was I telling you?

01:24:20.000 The mulatto. 1.00

01:24:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:21.000 So during mulatto, he does a perfect backflip and just lands it.

01:24:26.000 And everyone else is going, what?

01:24:27.000 How'd you do that?

01:24:28.000 And as he does the backflip, his blonde hair wig comes off.

01:24:31.000 He has an afro.

01:24:33.000 I want to see this so bad.

01:24:35.000 What is that?

01:24:36.000 This movie that you're talking about.

01:24:37.000 Mulatto or Mulatto.

01:24:38.000 Yeah, it would be good.

01:24:40.000 There'd be other tells.

01:24:41.000 Of course.

01:24:41.000 Like, he'd be a good dancer.

01:24:43.000 But it can't just be black because mulattoes are different than blacks. 1.00

01:24:46.000 They're like funny.

01:24:47.000 Yeah, they're like that.

01:24:48.000 Like, I was watching Key and Peel this weekend, and mulattoes are funnier than blacks and whites. 1.00

01:24:54.000 There's something about that Oreo cookie that just creates fucking amazing humor.

01:25:00.000 And because they both grew up in a white environment, I don't know, it makes them even funnier. 0.99

01:25:04.000 But go look up Key and Peel on YouTube, and it's a challenge to find one that isn't absolutely fucking hilarious.

01:25:12.000 I know.

01:25:13.000 Holy shit.

01:25:14.000 Like another black guy or a cappella group already has a black guy.

01:25:20.000 I've never seen this one.

01:25:22.000 What's this one?

01:25:25.000 It's called Why British Actors End Up With All the Good Rules.

01:25:27.000 Now you're going to end up with a bullet in your head for it.

01:25:30.000 You can't play me motherfucker.

01:25:33.000 I'm the motherfucker that plays motherfuckers, motherfucker.

01:25:40.000 Cot.

01:25:43.000 Everybody, let's get reset.

01:25:44.000 We are going again.

01:25:47.000 Nigel, that's great.

01:25:48.000 Oh, great.

01:25:48.000 It's smashing.

01:25:49.000 Thank you so much.

01:25:50.000 Yeah, Tom, well, it's been an absolute honor.

01:25:53.000 And what a great opportunity to be here and be able to play an American Tuff.

01:25:57.000 Well, I'm just so glad that we got you out of that BBC commitment so you can play with us.

01:26:01.000 Cheers, mate.

01:26:02.000 Cheers.

01:26:03.000 Antoine, listen, I'm just not buying that you're someone that was born and raised in the streets of Brooklyn.

01:26:10.000 That's weird, because I actually was born and raised on the streets of Brooklyn.

01:26:17.000 I was in a gang and everything.

01:26:18.000 Most of this stuff actually happened to me.

01:26:21.000 Wow.

01:26:21.000 Okay.

01:26:22.000 Well, that's great.

01:26:24.000 This goes on and on.

01:26:24.000 I'm into it.

01:26:25.000 Yeah.

01:26:25.000 Or the one, the gay dudes, where the guy's like, oh, you have a problem with me?

01:26:30.000 Because I'm gay, motherfucker.

01:26:31.000 And he has dicks all over his desk and he's listening to rave music and stuff.

01:26:34.000 And then at the end, I'll just ruin it.

01:26:36.000 The other guy's boyfriend shows up and he realizes, oh, the other guy's gay.

01:26:39.000 He can't be a homophobe.

01:26:41.000 And then he goes, maybe I'm just an asshole.

01:26:45.000 Gavin, this is Latrell.

01:26:46.000 Gavin, his name's Gavin.

01:26:47.000 How are you doing?

01:26:49.000 I'm doing very well.

01:26:51.000 How are you doing, Gavin?

01:26:52.000 Gavin?

01:26:53.000 Great.

01:26:54.000 I got to clip that.

01:26:55.000 Nice one.

01:26:55.000 For a drop.

01:26:56.000 Yeah, yeah, good idea.

01:26:57.000 That's the guy.

01:26:58.000 Look, look, look, look.

01:26:59.000 Don't miss the punchline.

01:27:00.000 Oh, I get it.

01:27:02.000 I'm not persecuted.

01:27:03.000 I'm just an ass.

01:27:08.000 Anyway, Gavin, Empirious Fagus, straight from the leftist shit show that in San Francisco, comes this crazy interview with the head of the SF school board about changing school names.

01:27:17.000 She was chosen by the other board members to lead it.

01:27:19.000 I guarantee you this is a black woman coming up. 1.00

01:27:23.000 And my guess is the process was a lot like that group of idiots trying to get $1,000 on that show.

01:27:28.000 The board, who have not has schools open for a year and recently was sued for not even having a plan to reopen, instead focused their time on removing white supremacy by getting rid of Washington and Lincoln as names of schools.

01:27:43.000 Head of the school board responds, so it's hard for me to answer that question.

01:27:46.000 What was the question?

01:27:47.000 They got rid of Paul Revere because they said he attacked a native tribe, but it was actually a British fort named after a Native tribe.

01:27:54.000 So why should we take it down?

01:27:55.000 She goes, well, it's hard for me to answer that question without just pointing to committee statements that they did not want to include historians.

01:28:01.000 I think that's not the process that they created.

01:28:03.000 They included a diverse set of community members, people with a set of experiences that contribute to these discussions, people from different backgrounds who are also educated in their own rights.

01:28:12.000 So I think that was the makeup of the committee.

01:28:14.000 Are you understanding that Chinese?

01:28:16.000 She's saying that I don't know anything about history, but I was chosen here because I've had a black experience as a black person.

01:28:22.000 So the only research you've done is me search, and she decides what the names of schools are.

01:28:27.000 Basically, did you get historians?

01:28:29.000 No, we got diversity.

01:28:32.000 That's funny.

01:28:32.000 So it's not a video, it's an article that we just showed you.

01:28:36.000 Hey, Gavin, after Kennedy was assassinated, LBJ basically had the mandate to do whatever he wanted with a bipartisan backing.

01:28:43.000 The huge show of support from the American people allowed him to push through all of his great society proposals.

01:28:48.000 If Biden just steps down after two years, I don't think Kamala is going to have the support she needs to do anything, especially since she would be unelected and it would look planned.

01:28:56.000 If the DNC sets up some sort of false flag assassination attempt, again, Biden incapacitates him, then he would have no choice but to step down.

01:29:06.000 Then Kamala will be there to bravely take the wheel after Joe was almost murdered by a right-wing extremist. 0.72

01:29:12.000 This would give her the sympathy and support to push through god-awful policy and clamp down even harder on groups like the Proud Boys.

01:29:19.000 Think it could work?

01:29:21.000 Yeah.

01:29:23.000 I think it's fucking likely.

01:29:27.000 All right, we're out of time, folks.

01:29:30.000 1245, yeah.

01:29:31.000 Let's jump to the final video.

01:29:52.000 All right, here's a controversial scene.

01:29:54.000 This is in Russia, which is basically America in 1979 when I was a kid.

01:29:58.000 This is my childhood.

01:30:00.000 If I was beating the shit out of someone in front of their dad, this would probably happen to me, and I don't think I would get in that much trouble.

01:30:22.000 Is he knocked unconscious?

01:30:24.000 His arm did a weird kind of a thing.

01:30:28.000 I think that he's crying, which is a good sign in a sense. 1.00

01:30:31.000 Is this unconscious crying?

01:30:37.000 Russians do not miss around whatsoever. 1.00

01:30:43.000 But I'll tell you something.

01:30:44.000 That kid's not going to fuck with another kid ever again.

01:30:46.000 No, he's just thinking.

01:30:47.000 No, no, keep going.

01:30:48.000 There's another kid.

01:30:49.000 He grabs.

01:30:49.000 Look in the background.

01:30:51.000 Oh, no, it's gone.

01:30:54.000 Keep, go back.

01:30:55.000 Look, keep your eye in the faraway background.

01:30:58.000 After he throws the kid.

01:30:59.000 Oh.

01:31:01.000 top right here.

01:31:02.000 I'll zoom.

01:31:07.000 He's still on the warpath.

01:31:16.000 Look at these idiots sitting on the they're like 30 years old and they're on the spinny thing.

01:31:21.000 God, you know Russia sucks when adults want to go to a fucking amusement park because it's fun. 0.99

01:31:27.000 Although that was you when we were driving, you saw a big park and went, well, it looks fun.

01:31:31.000 It did.

01:31:35.000 So there are circumstances where that would be acceptable, I think.

01:31:40.000 Like, what if they were beating the shit out of a handicapped kid or something?

01:31:44.000 Yeah, you beat, yeah.

01:31:46.000 Or you push them away.

01:31:47.000 I mean, in the 50s, in the 50s, if you saw a kid doing something bad, you just go and go, whoosh.

01:31:52.000 And no one would say anything.

01:31:53.000 In Brooklyn, in the old days, the whole community would raise the whole community.

01:31:58.000 So all the parents were your parents.

01:31:59.000 And if they saw you making a kid cry, they'd make you cry.

01:32:02.000 That's what I'm going to say to my date, my daughter's first date.

01:32:05.000 I'm going to take him into the room, clean my gun, and I'm going to go, it's very simple.

01:32:09.000 You make her cry.

01:32:10.000 I make you cry.

01:32:12.000 All right, that's our first show with no notes.

01:32:15.000 Nothing to guide us but the newspaper.

01:32:18.000 We'll see how it goes.

01:32:20.000 Comment on the website, censor.tv.

01:32:23.000 Tell us what you think of this strange episode we just did off the dome.

01:32:26.000 I did have a lot of stories to tell.

01:32:28.000 And thank you for being there while I lie on the couch and tell you about one of the most traumatic evenings of my entire fucking life.

01:32:37.000 And it's crazy because I know all these women and I've had dinner with them and stuff in a civilized manner.

01:32:42.000 I've gone on ski trips with some of them.

01:32:45.000 But that context, what a nightmare.

01:32:50.000 Get fired.

01:32:52.000 Get in trouble.

01:32:54.000 Be brave.

01:32:56.000 And never stop fighting.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 08, 2021

S03E70 - BROWN PRIVILEGE

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript