JustPearlyThings - March 23, 2023


They Talked About their toxic Exes


Episode Stats


Length

16 minutes

Words per minute

199.30157

Word count

3,196

Sentence count

53

Harmful content

Misogyny

16

sentences flagged

Hate speech

16

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about dating a toxic man and how to deal with it. We talk about our experiences with toxic men and how we dealt with them. We discuss how toxic men can make us feel and what we learnt from them.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 What about you guys? Have you guys ever dated a toxic guy anyone raise your hand raise your hand?
00:00:09.160 Yeah, I mean the thing is though when I look back on it
00:00:11.800 I'm like was it really toxic or did I just not know myself was I just not secure in myself
00:00:17.760 and I think also the word toxic is thrown around so much and
00:00:22.740 You know sometimes when you're talking with your friends and they're just like oh, that's so toxic
00:00:26.060 But looking back, I'm thinking we were both young. He was just doing him and I
00:00:32.560 Was just so like, you know, I don't know. I won't say it was toxic. Maybe on my behalf. I had an unhealthy attachment
00:00:39.800 But I looking back on it. I wouldn't say he was toxic. Okay, so you don't think he was toxic
00:00:45.140 Okay, and what about you? Mine was a hundred thousand percent toxic. I just came to the realization as I was saying that out loud
00:00:51.300 He wasn't toxic
00:00:53.300 I don't know
00:00:57.960 Yeah, a million percent I think
00:01:00.820 Maybe in my I was the opposite in my head. I was trying to make it seem like he wasn't
00:01:06.360 And I would always defend him that I'd be out here defending him to everyone my parents like my whole family my friends
00:01:12.060 Even to him like his family his friends
00:01:13.800 I'm like no, this is the guy for me even to myself like become so deluded because I was so in love
00:01:18.160 But I feel like again this love-bombing phase in the beginning like maybe I grew attached and fell in love with someone that doesn't actually exist
00:01:28.280 But yeah, it was just the the the regular things are just being unfaithful
00:01:31.640 Maybe he just couldn't commit and he wasn't the guy for me
00:01:34.120 But for someone else it may not be deemed toxic. But for me when I'm with someone I'm very tunnel vision
00:01:38.980 So if they're not the same like what type of toxic things did he do?
00:01:44.900 There was a few there was just loads of messages
00:01:47.640 He would just go hot and cold like days weeks no communication. I was with him
00:01:52.340 So you're dating him and he didn't talk to you for weeks. Yeah, he would just disappear and be like
00:01:57.200 I just don't want to talk or he's sending little messages like I just don't want to talk and I'll be like, okay
00:02:00.560 When when people go through things, I'm someone I give you space. I'm not needy
00:02:04.560 I don't need to be talking to you 24-7 you have your space
00:02:07.060 But then it become a regular thing and I was like either there's something wrong with you or there's something up here
00:02:12.380 And I'm a big communicator. So if you can't talk to me about stuff fine whatever, but I will try and try and try it
00:02:18.240 But you know in the end, I won't bug you
00:02:20.800 I
00:02:21.920 Found condom wrappers
00:02:23.920 And I was doing the laundry, you know being and they've been that good housewife and yeah, no
00:02:29.120 It was just a lot and I'd say it's quite damaging
00:02:32.160 But at the same time you learn from it you learn what you don't want and how old were you guys when you dated the toxic guy?
00:02:39.680 Only recently so in 19, 20, 21. Oh, so you're you're 21 when you dated him. Okay. That was only like eight months ago
00:02:47.280 Okay, and then how many how many years were you guys with him?
00:02:51.520 Together solidly about a year and a bit and then on and off
00:02:54.720 I'd say two and a half years two and a half years a year and a bit a year and a bit
00:02:57.920 But we were friends feel we like really close friends for two years before that. So okay, and i'm curious
00:03:02.800 Did you guys ever you said you caught him cheating?
00:03:05.920 Yes, yeah, you're not in the act, but yeah, yeah
00:03:09.120 I'm cheating. I don't think he ever cheated on me, but then I don't know at the same time anymore
00:03:15.040 There's so much that I just didn't know
00:03:18.160 I don't want to get into that. Okay. No, no worries. Um when you caught him cheating
00:03:22.000 Did you stay or did you leave? I left? Okay, but went back shortly after
00:03:30.720 I left the house and then went back and forth and back and forth, but yeah, it's not a good cycle to be in 100%
00:03:36.320 Okay, would um any of you guys be open to dating a guy?
00:03:41.600 That it's closed on your end, but open on his or he would sleep with other girls
00:03:46.480 No, no, no, no, you know that I know about it, but you might
00:03:53.520 You might
00:03:55.520 It depends
00:03:58.320 Yeah
00:03:59.200 Okay, what about you? No, no
00:04:02.000 Um, so i'm going to tweak it a little bit. Okay. Um, so for me
00:04:06.240 um
00:04:07.280 It's dating to marriage and it's not really dating is in a sense of how
00:04:11.840 You guys would see it. It would be we want to get married. He'd be talking to my mom and my dad
00:04:16.800 My brothers getting to know me with my the male family members involved
00:04:21.920 Um, so I wouldn't uh, sorry. I forgot the question
00:04:29.840 I was just asking if you would ever be open to dating a guy where he's able to cheat but you're not basically
00:04:35.600 Um, so we would be married and if he wanted another wife 0.85
00:04:40.160 Where I am now
00:04:42.160 Um, with the mindset that have now
00:04:44.320 Um, I wouldn't mind if he had another wife, but this is not another wife. This is being unfaithful
00:04:49.680 But that but I i'm not I don't date men. Yeah, so that's why I said the tweaking
00:04:55.520 I don't like I don't have a boyfriend and I won't have a boyfriend because I'm a muslim woman. We don't oh you don't that's yeah, that's strictly forbidden 0.62
00:05:02.800 Um, so would you be okay with your husband sleeping around with loads of different women? 1.00
00:05:06.640 Then I guess that's the tweet not necessarily having one wife
00:05:09.440 It would be sleeping with those of other women. No, she says she said she'd be all right 0.99
00:05:15.840 But no, she said that what she'd be happy with her husband having another wife. Yeah 0.95
00:05:19.920 Not a side piece. Yeah, yeah, so but you'd be okay with two where who would it be? Okay with a second wife anyone? 0.97
00:05:26.720 No, no, no
00:05:28.720 I think if she does everything except the bedroom i'll be happy
00:05:36.000 Um, so you said no, oh, no, what about if it was just like casual stuff and then you're the main girl?
00:05:41.920 No, why why are you ranking who's casual? Yeah
00:05:45.520 Either one or none simple
00:05:47.520 I feel like it's become normalized to normalize like people who believe in polygamy need to stay with them people
00:05:54.560 They can't try and convert the people who want monogamy in life. Mm-hmm, but they do 1.00
00:05:59.920 And that's where this toxic stuff happens, but yeah, yeah
00:06:04.720 All right, auntie
00:06:07.680 Oh, can you tell the story about when you caught the guy cheating?
00:06:11.120 The one in the bedroom? Yeah
00:06:13.120 Oh, gladly
00:06:14.880 Oh, yeah
00:06:16.880 I've seen this guy for a long while and he's supposed to take me shop and he didn't turn up so I went to his house
00:06:22.320 But we used to hang out with all of his friends. I was one of the guys and then this lovely young lady
00:06:28.080 I said hi
00:06:30.160 And I asked where he was and she knew me because she's always upstairs and I went upstairs
00:06:35.520 And he just sort of like and she climbed into bed and he was just
00:06:41.040 And I was like and you can see him trying to I thought you're already in bed with her
00:06:44.000 Yeah, I could see him trying to dissing himself and I said to her
00:06:47.680 Is that your man? She said yeah, I said well hug him up
00:06:51.440 Don't matter whoever's there you hug him up and she's like hold I said hug him harder
00:06:55.760 She goes would you like a cup of coffee?
00:06:57.920 I said yes, please
00:06:59.520 And she went downstairs and he said I said what do you want me to say?
00:07:02.960 What do you want me to do? Because I'm not gonna hit her. Do you want me to knock you out? I said
00:07:07.600 Do you want me to scream and shout? I said I'm just gonna sit here
00:07:11.760 I think I had lunch as well
00:07:14.800 I ended up being her friend because they were hanging out with all the guys and all the guys was like nah
00:07:18.320 When did you tell her?
00:07:19.920 Did you tell her?
00:07:20.480 She must be watching this
00:07:23.840 I didn't tell her I was her friend
00:07:26.560 I used to play at my mum's party
00:07:29.280 I said are you coming? She said no he didn't invite me I said
00:07:32.480 You come
00:07:35.120 How long did this go on for?
00:07:38.480 Until they split up until
00:07:40.240 Oh stop
00:07:41.200 Yeah
00:07:41.760 You stopped anything with him?
00:07:43.440 Oh no straight away yeah
00:07:44.640 I stopped but it was just fun to go there
00:07:46.320 I used to go there when he wasn't there
00:07:48.160 She goes oh he's coming home soon
00:07:50.400 You know I'm just popping out to the shop
00:07:51.840 So I watched dinner and I found this is what you're having for dinner
00:07:55.840 Yeah
00:07:56.080 It tormented him
00:07:57.600 Yeah but I was nice about it and I didn't disrespect her
00:08:01.440 You know
00:08:01.920 I think that's the best way to me
00:08:02.800 And then one day I turned up and his whole car was covered in white paint
00:08:07.040 I was just like oh dear what did you do?
00:08:12.480 But yeah he deserved what she gave him
00:08:14.080 Clearly
00:08:15.120 Weren't she?
00:08:16.400 They put all the paint all over his car
00:08:18.240 Gloss as well
00:08:19.840 Yeah
00:08:20.320 You know what I don't have that in me
00:08:22.160 I know some people have like ripped windscreen wipers off
00:08:25.520 They've keyed cars
00:08:27.040 They've done all of that
00:08:28.000 I just I feel like I don't have it in me
00:08:29.760 I could be so angry and upset
00:08:31.360 But I just
00:08:32.080 You do it in your head
00:08:32.800 Yeah I just do that
00:08:34.080 Do you think if we flipped the genders 0.91
00:08:35.840 That it would be the same reaction?
00:08:37.520 Like if I said oh I cheated on a guy
00:08:39.840 And he put paint all over my card and keyed it
00:08:42.560 Like people would have the same reaction
00:08:44.160 Of course
00:08:44.640 No
00:08:44.880 I think that's petty
00:08:46.080 I think they expect the whole car to disappear
00:08:49.440 Do better
00:08:49.920 A man wouldn't do something like that
00:08:53.040 You just come out of the car and be gone
00:08:54.640 No but it's
00:08:55.200 If they want it to be petty
00:08:56.400 It's just interesting
00:08:57.360 Because I feel like if it was the opposite
00:08:59.280 Like if I said oh he keyed my car
00:09:01.200 And did this after I cheated
00:09:02.400 Like it wouldn't result in people laughing
00:09:04.880 You know what I mean?
00:09:05.600 Yeah
00:09:06.000 I think he's pathetic
00:09:07.840 I think they think he's pathetic
00:09:09.440 Now I think people would say that he's dangerous
00:09:11.760 Yeah
00:09:12.320 He's violent or he's unhinged
00:09:14.160 Or abusive
00:09:14.720 And police reports
00:09:15.840 Yeah
00:09:16.240 You think so?
00:09:16.880 Yeah
00:09:17.280 100%
00:09:18.080 Women are a protected species 1.00
00:09:20.240 I'll be like I'm glad it was the car and not me
00:09:23.520 Yeah but I just think the way people are nowadays
00:09:26.800 Men are the villains in every scenario 0.61
00:09:30.000 And anything that happens to a woman 1.00
00:09:32.800 If you flip it on its head and it happening to a man
00:09:35.920 It's always worse because women are saints 1.00
00:09:38.960 We cannot do anything wrong
00:09:40.160 Yeah
00:09:40.480 Do you think so?
00:09:41.040 We are perfectly
00:09:41.760 No I do not
00:09:42.560 She said that tongue in cheek 1.00
00:09:43.760 Can you see her smile?
00:09:44.560 No I do not think so but I feel like society
00:09:48.640 I just think conversations make it seem like that is the consensus
00:09:52.720 Well it's even like when we talk about cheating
00:09:55.280 Like if the guy does it
00:09:56.720 It's always we demonize him
00:09:58.480 But if the girl does it 1.00
00:09:59.360 The first question is always why?
00:10:01.600 Like what made her cheat?
00:10:02.800 Why did she cheat? 1.00
00:10:04.320 No I would say I would always ask why did the guy cheat?
00:10:07.840 I always
00:10:09.360 I don't think that's a kind of comment
00:10:10.560 You think that's common when you see it on when you see it on say tiktok
00:10:13.840 When they tell cheating stories
00:10:15.120 It's always that if you look at any cheating story on tiktok
00:10:17.840 If it's a girl telling it the story of how she cheated 0.98
00:10:20.080 Like they'll always say oh well why did she cheat?
00:10:22.320 Yeah but for the men it's like you know if I say he cheated because he hasn't slept
00:10:28.800 His wife hasn't slept with him in three years they still make him out to be the bad guy
00:10:31.920 Yeah okay yeah fair enough actually I don't think you're wrong
00:10:35.120 It's like you know one out of four marriages is sexless usually on the man's part or like on the woman's part 0.91
00:10:40.560 Yeah
00:10:40.800 Oh wow
00:10:41.680 Yeah one out of four
00:10:42.880 I've known I've known somebody been married
00:10:44.960 It's really common
00:10:45.600 Like years
00:10:46.080 Yeah
00:10:47.680 Yeah I don't think I could
00:10:49.440 It's easy to slip into
00:10:50.640 Could you repeat?
00:10:51.600 When you have babies
00:10:52.400 Nah
00:10:53.120 When you look at it no I'm sorry it's easy to slip into
00:10:56.000 I honestly I just feel like when we have conversations about sex in marriage like women have to be honest
00:11:02.000 There are points in your marriage where you have to make an effort
00:11:05.040 Where you have to look at your husband and say okay he needs
00:11:07.840 Take mum for the team 0.74
00:11:10.880 Like he needs me in this capacity and I may not feel like it for the foreseeable
00:11:16.480 So let me avail myself in the same way you would want like your husband or your partner to avail himself in whatever other scenario or even the same
00:11:26.800 I just feel like it is not that uncommon for a woman to not want to have sex because when you become 0.97
00:11:34.320 When you are a woman of a house you've got a lot going on especially if you work as well
00:11:39.600 There's a lot happening and you have babies and stuff like that I just feel like sometimes yes
00:11:45.600 Like the wife is required to make an effort she's not always going to feel like it 1.00
00:11:50.000 But some women choose not to make an effort some women are like 1.00
00:11:53.280 I will wait until I feel like it and you will wait until I feel like it
00:11:57.040 Can I ask you a question? So if you didn't feel like it you'd still do it
00:12:02.400 If he wanted to
00:12:03.520 I just feel like my husband might be watching
00:12:06.480 But yes yeah like I will I will because he needs he needs me in that
00:12:12.480 Like I just feel like for men it's not always
00:12:15.600 I'm horny like it's
00:12:18.000 Like their way of connecting to you
00:12:20.240 They're like they want to be close to you and they don't want to sit down and have a gossip about
00:12:24.480 What they did they don't want to listen to your like stories that you say is going to be two minutes
00:12:29.440 But actually it's an hour and a half they want to connect like that way like just sometimes you have to avail yourself
00:12:35.600 Yeah
00:12:37.600 Sure you watch me and one of Pearl's podcast before Pearl
00:12:40.320 No
00:12:42.960 What's your opinion auntie what if what if she doesn't feel like it?
00:12:46.240 She don't feel like it you know just like 0.99
00:12:49.200 Read the book bend over and just like you know watch tv be on the phone
00:12:53.360 But you know what that's not not always because the fact of the matter is is if you are with someone that person loves you and
00:13:00.400 Understands you so if you don't feel like it there's going to be times that oh that's fine
00:13:04.960 Yeah, yeah, yeah, leave you alone, but then sometimes like you may not feel like it for like two months
00:13:10.000 Wow
00:13:11.120 That long?
00:13:12.560 Don't look at me
00:13:15.840 I'm not telling my story
00:13:17.840 Okay, okay, okay
00:13:20.080 It could be that okay, you might have had a baby might have been traumatic whatever
00:13:25.600 You know
00:13:26.640 So if you having the baby not talking about you, but just like, you know
00:13:30.880 If you was having a baby you didn't feel like it is there other ways that you can please your man
00:13:34.960 Okay, then just checking
00:13:36.960 Yeah, we all know there's other ways
00:13:38.880 We're all grown unaware
00:13:39.440 No, because I said this before and I and I said that you know basically a woman should refuse a man 1.00
00:13:46.800 You know if it her husband's yeah, that you know
00:13:49.200 I mean, yeah, exactly, but for women they want to make love for a man 1.00
00:13:52.880 It's just like give me five minutes. That's can I you know
00:13:56.560 What happens if you're really angry at him about something?
00:13:59.680 He's done and he wants it right there and then like do you do it
00:14:02.720 That could be better than counseling. Yeah, I can't ever see me being so angry that I don't want to have sex with my man
00:14:21.440 You've never had makeups
00:14:22.560 Listen, that's the best kind. Sorry, mom. I'm just saying I've never had makeup say
00:14:28.560 You've never
00:14:30.560 You're going to talk it out. Oh, yeah, and I thought you might touch me
00:14:36.160 I always think or like you've sorted out and then yeah
00:14:40.640 Hug and then it's like yeah, it's not to solve it and I feel like you become closer and it's nice
00:14:46.000 Yeah, but that's where that's why you get stuck in your toxic situation. I'm not having a go because I've done the same
00:14:52.800 I think that's your choice
00:14:56.400 Yeah, if you resolve it, I think I don't see if you feel like it's resolved
00:15:00.560 Yeah, if you're happy, I wouldn't do it to mask. I think mask is the perfect word
00:15:05.840 You know that you can't have sex if you're not happy. You can't make love yeah
00:15:09.840 So you gotta make sure that the problem is solved. You can't just say oh, yeah, you know everything's fine
00:15:14.560 But deep inside you're angry. Yeah, you have to clear it because you know you can't have angry sex
00:15:19.920 But I don't think you can have sex if you're not fully in it anyway. Well, that's me personally
00:15:24.000 I don't know about you lot. I'll do it just to let him shut up. I'll give him five minutes
00:15:28.480 I also think full play works. Yeah
00:15:31.440 He can get you in the mood. Any man can get you in the mood. Yeah
00:15:34.320 The right man. No, the right man can get you in the mood depending on how you feel
00:15:38.000 Yeah, but yeah, the general rule is if you want to eat you like you have to
00:15:44.080 Prepare it like yeah cook it as many of you know
00:15:46.800 I was just banned on tick tock and we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform
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