JustPearlyThings - August 06, 2023


This Modern Woman CONFESSED This On AIR


Episode Stats


Length

12 minutes

Words per minute

178.32999

Word count

2,251

Sentence count

1

Harmful content

Misogyny

3

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to a woman who shares her story of domestic abuse and how she managed to leave a man who was abusive to her and her children. She shares her experience of leaving a man she had been in a relationship with for 7 years and how it almost cost her her life.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
00:00:00.000 how many breakups have you initiated and why so my first one
00:00:07.680 i left but nearly cost me my life um my second one i
00:00:15.120 it was i was seeing someone and he was seeing other women so that ended um and my third one
00:00:24.800 i was just a huge secret so that ended in november so like his family and friends didn't know about
00:00:34.160 you no okay so you felt like you wanted something more serious and it was more casual for him
00:00:39.680 yeah i i think so um it was four years that i was with him so if you don't mind me asking
00:00:46.240 how did you almost lose your life in the first one uh domestic abuse physical abuse
00:00:54.800 um all abuse um yeah i was basically isolated um
00:01:05.120 come on big question on live tv
00:01:10.560 yeah that's i have accounts in for it um i've got two beautiful girls um amazing girls he blessed
00:01:17.120 me with those um certainly taught me a lesson a huge one um one that nearly cost me my life
00:01:23.520 um but yeah i was with him for a long time um
00:01:31.120 i don't know why i stayed i think mentally and emotionally i think abusers have a way of
00:01:36.880 the physical disappears the mental and emotional abuse stays
00:01:41.280 um where i was so isolated from everybody and i think in terms of i only had him and his family so
00:01:52.000 it was quite difficult and i think the good was good the bad was horrific so um were you able to press
00:02:01.040 charges i didn't for a very long time but i don't think i dealt with it and healed from it until years
00:02:10.640 later um in fact it was only up until a few years ago so i finally left in 2010 um so 13 years ago and i
00:02:20.800 only really dealt with it and got support for it about five five years ago and dealt with it so i think
00:02:27.120 it was i up and moved the police removed me from my home um it was going to go to court we did go to
00:02:34.160 court um they said i wouldn't see him at court i did see him at court and then that's when i withdrew
00:02:39.600 all my statements so he still got prosecuted i think now they can prosecute um and convict now
00:02:46.080 but at the time that wasn't the case i think he just he got a fine and probation and community
00:02:50.720 service and stuff like that so um and i think for me they told me he was looking at five years
00:02:56.640 and we had two girls so you wanted him to not that i wanted him back but i just thought for the girls
00:03:03.280 but now looking back
00:03:06.880 that was the wrong decision i think he's gone on to have multiple abusive relationships since so
00:03:12.320 but um my girls have had nothing to do with him so that's kind of yeah yeah my youngest one did seek
00:03:18.320 him out but he's not changed so um she no longer wants a relationship with him my oldest one remembers
00:03:26.320 too much definitely doesn't want anything to do with him at this stage but i would never not promote
00:03:31.600 that i think that's something that they would need to make a decision for at the time i stopped them from
00:03:36.880 having that relationship for their own safety and mine um i've never stopped it in terms of if you
00:03:42.640 wanted to do it properly and down the legal route um supervised contact absolutely but he's never
00:03:49.840 wanted to take that so um it was all about control and and about me so the times that he did have
00:03:55.360 contact with the girls in the early years when i left he would be screaming to and at the girls for
00:04:01.120 them to put me on the phone so it was never really about the girls anyway so so yeah so that was my first
00:04:06.400 one thank you for sharing that um it's okay i'm i'm curious like how many years were you with him
00:04:15.360 before you you say seven so from the age of 18 to 28 oh wow wow that's a long time yeah so just
00:04:27.840 because i'm always just curious like when did you realize he was abusive
00:04:33.440 so it was gradual so after probably about the first
00:04:36.480 eight months seven months eight months um but it was little things can't go out didn't want me to
00:04:45.120 go to work but made it made me feel like it was i was doing something wrong all the time having
00:04:50.880 male friends why have you got so many male friends just yeah it's the isolation why are you wearing
00:04:58.000 that that doesn't look nice on you you don't need to wear heels today why have you got makeup on you're
00:05:02.320 going to just little things you know i come down in something that i want to wear don't really look
00:05:08.320 nice babe why don't go change it little things but then obviously 1.00
00:05:16.640 past relationships his own insecurities obviously knowing people that i had had a relationship with
00:05:22.400 previously we could be watching telly it could be anything that triggered him it didn't matter what it
00:05:26.800 was then um but physically yeah about after about seven eight months wow so what what made you stay
00:05:37.360 that long good question good question i don't know okay i don't know the good times were good i think
00:05:44.800 in terms of i don't have any real answer maybe i thought i loved him i thought he loved me um always
00:05:53.600 sorry he would always be sorry for the things that happened and make things up buy things take me out
00:06:00.640 say nice things to me pillow talk i guess if you like um yeah i thought i felt like in situations
00:06:10.080 like that if you don't mind me just saying what i'm about to say but it's kind of like
00:06:13.600 when you've experienced such lows any high will seem like the happiest thing on earth for you and
00:06:18.640 it will make you want to stay so it doesn't matter like how however long how long they've been together
00:06:24.880 how long bad stuff has been happening but if the high is high then you're you are going to stay
00:06:31.440 believe it or not it's going to take a lot of detachment it's going to take a lot of like
00:06:34.960 self-discipline for you to be like for you to kind of go this high isn't the high we want this high
00:06:40.560 is only high because the lows have been so low i disagree i disagree someone that's been a similar
00:06:46.480 situation sometimes you don't know what day the week is let alone high as a high and it's all about
00:06:51.200 picking away at you so by the end of it you've got no identity you're almost probably just his partner
00:06:55.520 and the kid's mum and these things creep up on you i mean i put up with it for i think less than a year
00:07:01.360 but and in my day you call the police it was like oh it's a domestic they've never done anything in
00:07:04.960 those days so they're probably for 10 years wow i had police at my house the police would come regular
00:07:09.920 and just say oh it's a domestic and they just leave and you think hang on a minute you're supposed to
00:07:13.040 take him with you and they never did the only most you're going to get out of it social services so
00:07:19.120 back then it wasn't even that no but you didn't even get that there was nothing then and i mean i
00:07:23.920 didn't have my son then when i did have my son and i thought that's it i'm out of it
00:07:27.840 yeah but it's like especially when things happen around his family not yours and that's the weird
00:07:33.040 thing is you feel yourself how can you have a family and they know what's going on but they
00:07:37.360 won't do anything then you realize that the whole family's scared of them yeah that's one thing i was
00:07:41.360 going to ask him was his family kind of complicit in the abuse they knew what was going on and they
00:07:46.480 just turned a blind eye or was it secret to them no they they were aware they didn't condone it
00:07:53.680 um there was one incident where his his mum did say that she's the that brought him into the world
00:08:00.400 she'll be there to take him take him out obviously but that was because it was right in front of her
00:08:04.960 um majority of the time i would spend time at his mum's um in fairness and she was amazing she was 0.91
00:08:11.520 she's been an amazing amazing grandmother um to the girls so they they know their identity they know
00:08:18.080 where they come from and they know his entire family the only person that they've not had contact
00:08:21.600 with is him um so that's their choice as an adult whether they want to go back there or not
00:08:28.640 um my eldest remember stuff she shared stuff with her younger sister i've had to try and protect her
00:08:34.640 younger sister from that but they are sisters they will talk yeah i won't lie to them but i don't need
00:08:40.560 to divulge anymore that it's not been said if that makes sense so that's so how did you break it off
00:08:48.240 because when i went to white breaking off how did you actually break it off i went into a woman's 1.00
00:08:52.240 refuge okay you done the midnight flit i did i had a bag bag ready the first time i was removed by the
00:09:00.880 police um they came and removed me and they took me to my mum's but then after a few months
00:09:06.960 i went back but there was a normal station order in place it wasn't allowed in certain
00:09:12.800 in the area it wasn't out back at the property but then as time lapsed two years later i put myself
00:09:20.720 back into a woman's refuge um and just left and then i've never looked back and lived my life i had
00:09:26.960 a really good judge that done an injunction out with a clause that in order to in order to cancel
00:09:31.920 the injunction we both have to be at court oh and it's 37 years late and i don't think he realized
00:09:37.600 it still stands i mean there's no trouble now but it still stands no i didn't i didn't he wasn't
00:09:42.400 allowed in the area but it was only for a period of time um i can't i think it was about six months
00:09:48.720 maybe even a year but he breached that anyway but um when i went back the second time i just
00:09:55.520 21st january 2010 never looked back cut my hair changed everything about me just fresh start amazing
00:10:05.040 so yeah then the second one that was a three-year relationship but that was
00:10:11.520 wasn't really going anywhere i wasn't it was just something for me at the time i think i had the girls
00:10:17.120 it wasn't something that i was really looking to commit to anyway but i found out he was seeing
00:10:21.360 multiple women so it just kind of ended but my last one i do love him still um but it's not worked
00:10:28.800 out i'm not prepared to be a secret for any longer um c'est la vie it is what it is we move on did you
00:10:36.560 just say right it's finished no it's been a lot of back and forth um we've just not spoke um he knows how
00:10:45.680 i feel about certain things so we've just not communicated would you say you like bad boys
00:10:52.640 it seems like all of the guys you pick seem to be bad boys what's a bad boy like non-committal
00:10:59.200 multiple girls i mean usually i wouldn't say the majority of bad boys are abusive but in her case
00:11:05.040 that would probably qualify
00:11:06.400 i think sometimes we can pick partners that are possibly a reflection of how we feel about ourselves
00:11:16.480 sometimes or what we're missing um i don't know i'm work i'm on i'm on a journey at the moment i'm
00:11:25.200 healing and i'm learning a lot about myself and about i'm doing a lot of inner child work i'm looking at
00:11:32.640 myself going back through my history why do i pick the men that i have i do come from a broken
00:11:39.440 home is it generational is it one of those things that just my upbringing's impacted that the
00:11:44.960 influences around i i don't know i'm doing a lot of work on that at the moment because i do think
00:11:50.800 it does impact on our decision making and our judgments um how we brought up our childhood i think
00:11:59.200 it plays a huge part um in how we develop just to put a smile in your face but it's a serious
00:12:06.160 question still smiling it seems a question would you would you get together with a vegetarian
00:12:14.240 with a vegetarian yeah i was thinking would you go if you if you met a guy and he was like
00:12:19.360 you're a perfect girl and he said i'm a vegetarian it's not perfect okay just checking just checking
00:12:27.920 i had to throw that in it's not perfect i thought i put a smile in your face you don't know why i asked
00:12:33.120 right yeah okay yeah