Louder with Crowder - December 09, 2021


THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY! What You Missed From Jussie Smollett HOAX Trial | Louder with Crowder


Episode Stats


Length

51 minutes

Words per minute

178.94147

Word count

9,129

Sentence count

1,151

Harmful content

Misogyny

50

sentences flagged

Toxicity

151

sentences flagged

Hate speech

39

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Dave and Dave are joined by special guest Stephen Crowder from the show "Rumble in the Gravel Pit" to discuss the upcoming Mr. Crowder Shop competition and much, much more. Plus, we have a surprise guest appearance from one of Dave's favorite humans on earth.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Louder with Crowder" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 To be continued...
00:00:05.000 To be continued...
00:00:11.000 Enter the D-D-D-D-D-Dune!
00:00:14.000 And right now, Reg Brown taking the stage.
00:00:35.000 Guaranteed at least second placement.
00:00:38.000 But he's going to need to pull out all the stops to take out reigning champion Cora Blackhead tonight. 1.00
00:00:43.000 Look at that flex, my friend.
00:00:44.000 That move actually is called the Spirit of Detroit.
00:00:47.000 Look at those muscles.
00:00:48.000 You know what?
00:00:48.000 Interesting that you say that.
00:00:49.000 It sort of reminds me of the monument when you come into Detroit, Reggie Brown.
00:00:53.000 Just that giant black fist. 0.61
00:00:55.000 Yes, yes indeed.
00:00:56.000 Welcome to the Midwest.
00:00:58.000 The Paris of the Midwest.
00:00:59.000 Look at this, he really has impressed me today.
00:01:02.000 Oh, but I tell you what, now the four-time reigning champion, Quarterback Garrett, look at him coming out with the grace of a swan.
00:01:08.000 Of course, his signature ranger panties available at Crowder Shop, which is what this is all about.
00:01:12.000 But the way that he moves in them is that of a dancer.
00:01:15.000 I tell you what, God ran out of charm when he put his mold in the oven there.
00:01:19.000 Yes, he did.
00:01:20.000 He used all of it.
00:01:21.000 From what I understand too, Quarterback was eating a sundae before.
00:01:25.000 Hold on one moment.
00:01:26.000 Here comes the... Oh, there it is!
00:01:28.000 The double glute flex.
00:01:30.000 That is going to be hard to beat.
00:01:32.000 I'm gonna change these pants.
00:01:34.000 He's a champion, but he is coming in tonight like a contender.
00:01:38.000 Gonna flex that thigh. 1.00
00:01:38.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:01:40.000 Just did an awful job of applying that tanning lotion.
00:01:45.000 Oh! 0.60
00:01:45.000 The judges have decided! 0.60
00:01:46.000 Yes!
00:01:46.000 It is!
00:01:47.000 Well, Quarter Black Garrett, no surprise here. 1.00
00:01:50.000 That will be his fifth Mr. Crowder Shop title.
00:01:53.000 Reg Brown, being a good sport, but you can just see on his face that he has no clue as to how this happened.
00:01:58.000 And I think that folks out there, of course, can get their own answers at CrowderShop.com.
00:02:03.000 CrowderShop.com!
00:02:22.000 IN THE STRANGE GNARLY WALL That's what I know
00:02:26.000 I GOT ONLY ONE CHOICE No, No!
00:02:30.000 In the strange gnarly wall I COME TO FOLLOW
00:02:33.000 I WIN THIS BEAT I GOT ONLY ONE CHOICE
00:02:47.000 I love you too.
00:02:55.000 That'll be $20.
00:02:57.000 Welcome!
00:03:00.000 Ahoy! 0.99
00:03:01.000 And welcome to Louder with Crowder with Dave.
00:03:05.000 Today's a very special show, but remember, it's a live show Monday through Thursday at 10 a.m.
00:03:10.000 Eastern.
00:03:11.000 Remember, if we're booted from YouTube, the show goes to Rumble, Podcasts, Mug Club, all sorts of places.
00:03:18.000 I think I named the three that are... See there?
00:03:21.000 Look at all those podcasts!
00:03:22.000 Yes, important.
00:03:23.000 And you put three syllables in Mug Club.
00:03:23.000 Look right here.
00:03:26.000 Mug club? 0.67
00:03:27.000 Yeah.
00:03:28.000 That's a gasp from the sip.
00:03:29.000 Well, I'm sorry, I was trying to swallow.
00:03:31.000 Well, that's fair.
00:03:32.000 That's his job.
00:03:33.000 Get your calling card.
00:03:34.000 Boy, I say that a lot every day.
00:03:36.000 All the greats have their calling cards.
00:03:37.000 Yes, they do.
00:03:39.000 Third share's piping up a lot already.
00:03:40.000 I know!
00:03:41.000 He's... don't be mad. You own the business.
00:03:41.000 Don't be mad.
00:03:48.000 I'd like to welcome Gerald A.
00:03:52.000 How are you, sir?
00:03:53.000 I am fine.
00:03:54.000 I am doing well.
00:03:54.000 Yourself?
00:03:55.000 How does it feel over there?
00:03:56.000 Is it nice?
00:03:56.000 It feels better.
00:03:57.000 Oh, it does?
00:03:58.000 It feels like I'm in control.
00:03:59.000 Yeah.
00:04:01.000 Don't let it go to your head.
00:04:03.000 It won't.
00:04:04.000 I don't have any self-esteem.
00:04:05.000 Tokenowin, ahoy.
00:04:07.000 How are you?
00:04:08.000 Good?
00:04:08.000 Ahoy.
00:04:09.000 Tim the Toolman?
00:04:10.000 Hey.
00:04:13.000 He wasn't prepared for that.
00:04:15.000 Hi.
00:04:15.000 The El Borland of the office.
00:04:18.000 And we have, of course, one of my favorite humans on earth, Quarterblack. 0.90
00:04:22.000 Hey.
00:04:23.000 Little known fact, I'm not wearing pants right now.
00:04:25.000 It's just ranger panties.
00:04:26.000 Oh, is that right?
00:04:27.000 Every day, actually.
00:04:28.000 I do that every day.
00:04:28.000 I filed the complaint with HR.
00:04:30.000 Well, too bad I'm wearing them. 0.54
00:04:31.000 Is that because you're an all white guy? 0.74
00:04:33.000 Yes. 0.95
00:04:33.000 Totally white guy. 0.95
00:04:34.000 Completely white guy.
00:04:35.000 That's what I was told, yeah.
00:04:36.000 I understand.
00:04:37.000 And in third chair we have a very special guest, Stephen Crowder from the show Louder With Crowder Without Dave.
00:04:42.000 Oh! 0.60
00:04:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:04:45.000 Because Dave has an inborn need to dominate.
00:04:49.000 And, well, you can sit next to me, too.
00:04:51.000 Well, I'm gonna introduce.
00:04:52.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:04:52.000 Don't you worry.
00:04:53.000 Don't you worry.
00:04:54.000 I won't.
00:04:55.000 Where's that button?
00:04:57.000 Another one of my favorite people on earth crawdaddy himself
00:05:04.000 Still not a nickname, Dave.
00:05:05.000 It is a nickname.
00:05:06.000 It can be.
00:05:07.000 Everybody calls you Crawdaddy.
00:05:09.000 Don't fight it.
00:05:09.000 Papagrotter.
00:05:11.000 Crawdaddy.
00:05:11.000 Hello.
00:05:12.000 Darren.
00:05:12.000 Ahoy, whatever.
00:05:13.000 What is your catchphrase?
00:05:14.000 Ahoy.
00:05:15.000 Trying to swallow.
00:05:15.000 Oh, wow.
00:05:16.000 Well, both.
00:05:17.000 I mean, it depends on what party I'm at.
00:05:19.000 Yeah, some of it's more of an ahoy!
00:05:23.000 Why I do that is, you know the first way that Alexander Graham Bell answered the phone?
00:05:27.000 I don't know who called him.
00:05:28.000 Yeah.
00:05:29.000 But it was a hoi hoi.
00:05:30.000 It was a hoi hoi?
00:05:31.000 A hoi hoi was the original way to answer a telephone.
00:05:33.000 Wow.
00:05:34.000 This is a lie.
00:05:35.000 He was a Canadian.
00:05:36.000 That's not the only good thing that Canadians invented. 0.94
00:05:37.000 And basketball.
00:05:39.000 Canadians invented basketball? 1.00
00:05:40.000 Yeah, moronically. 0.99
00:05:41.000 Do you know the story about basketball? 1.00
00:05:42.000 No.
00:05:43.000 That's not true.
00:05:43.000 Do you want me to?
00:05:45.000 Yes.
00:05:45.000 So, the guy might know.
00:05:46.000 His name was really like a basic white guy named something like John Smith or Clint Black.
00:05:51.000 Jerry West?
00:05:51.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:05:52.000 Clint Black would make sense.
00:05:53.000 And they invented basketball.
00:05:54.000 They were throwing it in an actual basket, hence the term.
00:05:57.000 But then they had to climb up on a ladder.
00:05:59.000 They were like, we have to go get this ball out.
00:06:00.000 They were like, well, this is difficult.
00:06:02.000 So then what they did was they said, I know.
00:06:04.000 We'll devise a system with a chain That they put in the basket so when they would get the ball in the basket, they would yank the chain and the ball went out.
00:06:12.000 They said, well, this seems a little bit complex.
00:06:14.000 I know!
00:06:15.000 We'll cut a hole in the basket.
00:06:16.000 So they cut a small hole in the basket so that they could poke it out with a broomstick. 0.99
00:06:20.000 Silly. 1.00
00:06:21.000 So silly. 1.00
00:06:22.000 Why don't you make the big hole? 0.98
00:06:24.000 So a country of ice fishermen were like, I don't know what to do. 1.00
00:06:28.000 This is a real puzzle.
00:06:29.000 It's really hard to play this on the pond, guys.
00:06:31.000 There were so many white guys playing at that point that there weren't enough baskets. 0.87
00:06:35.000 One thing, too, because everyone's been joking about how Quarter Black is all white. 0.98
00:06:41.000 I mean, your grandfather's completely black. 0.98
00:06:43.000 Yeah, he's really black. 0.85
00:06:44.000 He's really dark, like Wesley Snipes.
00:06:47.000 I'm seeing photos.
00:06:47.000 He looks like Scatman Crothers.
00:06:49.000 Yes, he does, actually.
00:06:50.000 The shiny Nipsey Russell, right there.
00:06:52.000 You know, the likeness is off, but the skin tone, spot on.
00:06:56.000 Sorry, Dave, this is your show.
00:06:58.000 No, it is.
00:06:59.000 It's really your show.
00:07:00.000 I'm just at the helm in one of my favorite shirts to celebrate.
00:07:03.000 Steve, look at the sign.
00:07:05.000 Look at the sign.
00:07:05.000 It says, with Dave.
00:07:08.000 Until it falls down.
00:07:09.000 It's over to the side.
00:07:11.000 I just didn't have time, you know, with family and twins and all this stuff, and Kyle Rittenhouse was here late, so I was like, guys, I'm gonna screw this up, so I'd rather Dave screw it up.
00:07:22.000 Dave, here's a grenade, you jump on it.
00:07:24.000 You could tell he was really in jail for a little too long because he kept talking about the Koran.
00:07:28.000 Yes.
00:07:29.000 Yeah.
00:07:29.000 The second the cameras were off, it was like, easy.
00:07:31.000 It was strange.
00:07:32.000 Hurricane Dignity.
00:07:33.000 In the green room, they were doing the tribal tattoo on his face.
00:07:35.000 I know.
00:07:36.000 Just a slave name.
00:07:37.000 A lot of tattoos done with guitar string.
00:07:40.000 Right, yes.
00:07:40.000 And he changed his name to Kylan Muhammad.
00:07:43.000 Yeah, he made a nice toilet wine, though.
00:07:45.000 Geraldine.
00:07:45.000 He did, yeah.
00:07:46.000 Unbelievable.
00:07:47.000 98 point rated.
00:07:48.000 Yeah, cherry toilet wine, too.
00:07:50.000 Use a little champagne yeast.
00:07:51.000 I don't know where he gets it.
00:07:52.000 Cherry toilet wine.
00:07:54.000 Bum, bum, bum.
00:07:55.000 But, but, but, prison never sleeps. 1.00
00:07:57.000 Tastes like shit, but it's made so fine. 1.00
00:07:59.000 It helps dull the pain. 0.99
00:08:01.000 Hey Dave, you're not gonna be generous with your money.
00:08:03.000 You're going to be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, December 30th to January 1st, and then Big Show, February 12th at the Majestic Theatre in Dallas.
00:08:12.000 And I will be opening for him.
00:08:16.000 My first time just doing stand-up in a couple of years.
00:08:19.000 Can I watch?
00:08:20.000 No.
00:08:21.000 Everyone has actually got free tickets here, except you.
00:08:27.000 Your wife can come.
00:08:28.000 Yes.
00:08:28.000 Dave, why?
00:08:29.000 Well, she's cool.
00:08:30.000 Your son can come.
00:08:31.000 Yes.
00:08:32.000 He's 16 months old.
00:08:33.000 He won't... I... Your third cousin is welcome.
00:08:36.000 Yes.
00:08:37.000 Your sister can come.
00:08:39.000 You can stand outside.
00:08:40.000 Mm-hmm.
00:08:41.000 Like how Jesse used to do it from Full House and listen to the music outside at night.
00:08:45.000 Oh, hell.
00:08:45.000 No, that didn't work.
00:08:47.000 Look at you.
00:08:47.000 Fail.
00:08:47.000 Yes, but we will be there February 12th at the Majestic Theatre.
00:08:50.000 You can go to AEG Live for tickets.
00:08:52.000 And Stephen, Asked to open, which I was very, very happy about.
00:08:57.000 I'm just gonna say it.
00:08:58.000 We talked the other night, and well, he's a stand-up comic, and he should do stand-up comedy.
00:09:04.000 And hey, just want to point out, metal detectors, but open carry and a lot of fans.
00:09:13.000 Don't mess with us.
00:09:14.000 You got a room full of people.
00:09:16.000 You don't want to look like Swiss cheese.
00:09:17.000 All right, so come on out.
00:09:21.000 We will be prepared for any BS.
00:09:23.000 It's a comedy show.
00:09:24.000 Yes, that's why we have Gerald outside.
00:09:26.000 Everybody down!
00:09:27.000 I don't think so.
00:09:28.000 The metal detector is just Gerald with a wand that doesn't work, so try some and find out, everybody, with Gerald.
00:09:33.000 It's actually a wand based on race.
00:09:36.000 Yes!
00:09:39.000 You guys are setting me up for something.
00:09:41.000 I can't tell what's going on.
00:09:43.000 I'm sorry, I meant culture, yes.
00:09:44.000 Culture.
00:09:45.000 Yeah.
00:09:45.000 Culture.
00:09:46.000 You seem like a cultured man.
00:09:47.000 Thank you.
00:09:48.000 What's your favorite wine again?
00:09:49.000 Stop it.
00:09:50.000 Francia?
00:09:52.000 Barefoot?
00:09:53.000 Anything in a box?
00:09:53.000 Nein!
00:09:55.000 Soccer mom?
00:09:56.000 Yellowtail?
00:09:57.000 You should see his Pinterest. 0.99
00:09:58.000 I hate all of you. 0.99
00:09:59.000 Cold duck. 1.00
00:10:00.000 Wait!
00:10:01.000 His Pinterest is just like, it's a Vietnamese pho bowl with wine.
00:10:04.000 I haven't had my wine today.
00:10:07.000 You know that at least once a day is like, it's wine o'clock somewhere.
00:10:10.000 Add to calendar.
00:10:11.000 Killed Stevie.
00:10:12.000 I ate fruit for dinner.
00:10:13.000 Drank wine.
00:10:15.000 Oh, I drank my dinner.
00:10:18.000 He shaves his lady parts. 0.96
00:10:19.000 All right, so ahoy and welcome to Louder with Crowder with Dave.
00:10:24.000 Happy to still be filling in today.
00:10:26.000 Don't fret, Stephen is still here in third chair.
00:10:29.000 I feel like we covered that.
00:10:31.000 And we have a great show.
00:10:34.000 I don't read from a prompter.
00:10:36.000 We have a great show.
00:10:37.000 Pause for applause.
00:10:40.000 We're talking about Biden's recent phone call to Putin and covering the highlights of the Juicy Smollet trial.
00:10:46.000 Plus, there was a wedding in the metaverse?
00:10:49.000 What the heck does that mean?
00:10:52.000 But first, Hillary Clinton still can't let go of the 2016 election. 1.00
00:10:57.000 And it is downright hilarious.
00:10:59.000 Let's watch her cry as she reads from her would-be 2016 election victory speech. 0.56
00:11:05.000 Listen to me.
00:11:06.000 You will survive.
00:11:09.000 You will have a good family of your own.
00:11:13.000 And three children.
00:11:14.000 And as hard as it might be to imagine, your daughter will grow up and become the President of the United States.
00:11:24.000 Oops.
00:11:25.000 I am as sure of this as anything I have ever known.
00:11:29.000 That's a weird letter to get before you're hung in jail.
00:11:31.000 America is the greatest country in the world.
00:11:35.000 And from tonight going forward, together, We will make America even greater than it has ever been for each and every one of us.
00:11:47.000 Thank you.
00:11:49.000 God bless you.
00:11:50.000 And may God bless America.
00:11:52.000 I have a genuine question.
00:11:54.000 Who is she reading to?
00:11:55.000 Was she addressing herself?
00:11:57.000 No, it's the Masterclash.
00:11:58.000 Are you aware of the Masterclash?
00:12:00.000 It was a Masterclash, but she was very specific, like, you will have three kids.
00:12:04.000 Oh, yeah.
00:12:05.000 Talking about her parents, I think.
00:12:06.000 Her parents.
00:12:07.000 Oh, her parents.
00:12:07.000 Yeah, her mom.
00:12:08.000 She labeled herself a wonderful kid.
00:12:11.000 Yes, absolutely.
00:12:12.000 By the way, she can't walk forward. 0.59
00:12:13.000 She's like a shark. 0.99
00:12:14.000 She has to go backwards.
00:12:15.000 If she goes backwards, something with the gills.
00:12:17.000 I don't know.
00:12:18.000 Well, you know how when you predict the future, always a little off?
00:12:20.000 Yes.
00:12:21.000 So I guess your mom got most of that right up until the precedent part.
00:12:24.000 Right, yeah.
00:12:24.000 She also believed that computers would take up a whole room.
00:12:27.000 Yeah.
00:12:28.000 Forever.
00:12:28.000 Flying cars.
00:12:29.000 You will have a flying car.
00:12:31.000 Yeah.
00:12:31.000 And if it stalls, you will die.
00:12:33.000 Robot made.
00:12:34.000 Continued reading it.
00:12:35.000 Meet George Jetson, his son Elroy.
00:12:37.000 She harkens back to a simpler day when Democrats actually liked the country and praised it.
00:12:41.000 Yeah, that's true.
00:12:41.000 And said, God bless it.
00:12:42.000 And the greatest country in the world.
00:12:44.000 That's not today.
00:12:45.000 Yeah, she's like, if I don't win, she continues.
00:12:47.000 A virus will appear.
00:12:49.000 The world will begin to collapse.
00:12:52.000 There will be riots.
00:12:53.000 And the seventh seal.
00:12:56.000 It will not be my fault.
00:12:57.000 It will be the Russians. 1.00
00:12:58.000 You will never stop paying for this.
00:13:00.000 All right, take the present.
00:13:02.000 And you will love me!
00:13:06.000 Alright, so now, if you want to, you can sign up for that masterclass, I Don't Know What You're Learning.
00:13:12.000 Why would you not?
00:13:13.000 How to not get elected and give a speech?
00:13:15.000 Beto should do it.
00:13:16.000 He has a lot of experience. 1.00
00:13:17.000 If you go on that, you can be like, oh, I can learn to write from David Mamet, I can learn to direct from Martin Scorsese, oh, Hillary Clinton being a bitch. 0.99
00:13:25.000 That sounds like a good 12 hours wasted of my life. 1.00
00:13:28.000 If you take the advanced class, she teaches you how to convince the whole world you're not a lesbian. 1.00
00:13:31.000 It's pretty good, yeah. 0.98
00:13:33.000 How to shave Maxwell Canne ankles. 0.89
00:13:38.000 Chock full of nuts, Dave. 0.97
00:13:38.000 Chock full of nuts. 0.97
00:13:39.000 Yeah, the whole time she's just using like a crocodile dundee knife to shave her legs. 1.00
00:13:44.000 Chock full of nuts is that wonderful ankle. 1.00
00:13:47.000 How to not have sex with your husband until he just goes anywhere else to get it. 1.00
00:13:50.000 Think about her resume, though.
00:13:52.000 We think about her being somebody, really, in public service.
00:13:54.000 She married a guy.
00:13:55.000 He became president.
00:13:57.000 Then she snuck into an office being vacated in New York where she had never lived.
00:14:00.000 She got like a timeshare for like two weeks.
00:14:03.000 She didn't come up through the ranks.
00:14:04.000 She went right to U.S. 0.99
00:14:05.000 Senator.
00:14:06.000 And now she's being appointed to who knows what. 0.98
00:14:07.000 Well, yeah, when I lived in Harlem, people were like, oh yeah, did the Clintons still live there?
00:14:11.000 I'm like, what do you mean still live there?
00:14:13.000 Like, no.
00:14:14.000 Never lived.
00:14:14.000 There's nothing there that's theirs.
00:14:17.000 Maybe there's some bodies, not to say that there's no proof.
00:14:20.000 Nobody would look for them there, so it's the best place to hide.
00:14:22.000 Why isn't the FBI following that with a drone?
00:14:24.000 It's like, we don't need more footage of her scissoring Huma.
00:14:28.000 Oh, jeez.
00:14:29.000 Sorry.
00:14:31.000 You make those jokes all your life.
00:14:32.000 Doesn't third chair make you do that?
00:14:34.000 It makes you do that.
00:14:35.000 It's the chair.
00:14:36.000 I just get to light a stick of dynamite, throw it in, and be like, here Dave!
00:14:40.000 That's the best part of third chairs, you just say something.
00:14:43.000 So let's talk about this.
00:14:46.000 Why do you think Jussie Smollett pretended to be attacked by his alleged gay lover?
00:14:52.000 Go ahead and comment here, why do you think he pretended to be attacked?
00:14:59.000 I understand that it was not white guys, it was two men Potentially from Nigeria.
00:15:04.000 I don't know.
00:15:05.000 What?
00:15:05.000 Yeah, I haven't, I guess he's, we'll see.
00:15:08.000 I don't want to accuse the guy of anything.
00:15:08.000 I don't know.
00:15:10.000 Those two stand-ins from Amistad.
00:15:12.000 Yes.
00:15:12.000 I'm just a huge fan of the man's work.
00:15:14.000 Yes, yes.
00:15:15.000 By the way, hey, I will say this.
00:15:16.000 If you guys like Dave, Phil, and Host, and you enjoy, you know, it's a little bit of a different day, smash that like button.
00:15:21.000 Yeah!
00:15:22.000 Smash it! 0.54
00:15:22.000 Or the black carrot. 0.54
00:15:23.000 Smash it.
00:15:24.000 I'm gonna feel really good when it's like eight.
00:15:25.000 Yeah!
00:15:26.000 Yes!
00:15:27.000 Yeah, it's like a Biden speech.
00:15:28.000 Well, it won't be that bad.
00:15:28.000 Nice!
00:15:30.000 Everybody takes away the likes that they dislike.
00:15:34.000 Dislikes.
00:15:34.000 You can't see the dislikes.
00:15:36.000 We don't want to hurt the president's feelings.
00:15:38.000 By the way, he just spoke at the Bob Dole laying in state ceremony and I'm like, I wonder what it must feel like to know that you might have a reservation there.
00:15:45.000 Oh yeah, that whole room I understand people wearing masks.
00:15:48.000 I'll be here probably a few weeks.
00:15:50.000 I don't know, how long is he going to be here?
00:15:51.000 What happened?
00:15:52.000 That's my spot.
00:15:53.000 Is that my bed?
00:15:54.000 I think I'm going to lay there a little while.
00:15:55.000 Didn't I pick one of those out?
00:15:56.000 I'm getting real tired. 0.88
00:15:59.000 I honestly, and I'm not even trying to be a jerk, I honestly thought Bob Dole had passed already.
00:16:04.000 So did I, me too. 0.96
00:16:06.000 I thought he was dead.
00:16:07.000 Norm Macdonald, who played Bob Dole on SNL as an old man, passed before Bob Dole.
00:16:12.000 I'd already mourned him.
00:16:13.000 Yeah, I didn't know he was still alive.
00:16:15.000 And they had difficulty closing that casket lid, they say.
00:16:17.000 Oh, really?
00:16:18.000 Oh, yes, but I heard just the bottom half.
00:16:22.000 He was the first spokesperson for Viagra.
00:16:27.000 Bring this up from Mug Club later, there's a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears, and then Bob Dole was at home with his dog, barking, and he's like, easy boy.
00:16:38.000 You're like, oh wow, that's great, a horny old man watching the Super Bowl halftime.
00:16:42.000 Watching a 17-year-old dance.
00:16:45.000 From what I understand though, his coffin does actually have a curve.
00:16:49.000 He has a carve-out.
00:16:50.000 He's got a little bowl trouble with the curve.
00:16:52.000 But I remember that.
00:16:52.000 It was for the Super Bowl and you're like, I believe she's still 17.
00:16:55.000 Yeah, I believe.
00:16:56.000 And he's like, easy boy.
00:16:58.000 Whoa.
00:16:59.000 Actually, he says, easy boy.
00:17:00.000 The dog's, hey, that's my line.
00:17:03.000 You're the baked beans dog.
00:17:05.000 It was.
00:17:07.000 Alright, let's talk about this, guys.
00:17:09.000 On Tuesday, Putin and Biden had a video call about Ukraine.
00:17:14.000 That's good.
00:17:15.000 Some would say.
00:17:15.000 No overlay there?
00:17:16.000 Oh, there it is!
00:17:21.000 You can take it down, I was reading it.
00:17:23.000 Biden apparently called for a de-escalation at the Ukraine-Russia border, and U.S.
00:17:27.000 officials said they already have a package of economic sanctions to impose on Russia should they invade Ukraine.
00:17:34.000 Huge package.
00:17:35.000 Huge.
00:17:35.000 Big, large package.
00:17:36.000 Huge, Bob Dole-hardening package.
00:17:38.000 Robbing package.
00:17:39.000 Robbing, thrusting package. 0.96
00:17:41.000 Veiny.
00:17:44.000 We have actually obtained an exclusive recording of Biden's prep before the video call, which is extensive due to his geriatric state.
00:17:54.000 For the last time, there's nobody here by the name of Curly Pupes.
00:17:59.000 No, it's Ron Klain, your aide.
00:18:02.000 Oh, sorry.
00:18:03.000 I thought you were a crane caller.
00:18:07.000 It's okay.
00:18:08.000 I just need to prep you for... Oh, you got aides?
00:18:15.000 I gotta take prep? 0.97
00:18:17.000 Did we sex?
00:18:19.000 No, Mr. Former Vice President.
00:18:21.000 I'm your aide, and I need to prepare you for your call with Vladimir Putin.
00:18:25.000 Oh, from Bullwinkle?
00:18:27.000 The President of Russia.
00:18:30.000 Oh, right.
00:18:31.000 Okay, look, Putin is massing troops on the Ukraine border.
00:18:34.000 We believe he's going to invade, sir.
00:18:37.000 Oh, okay.
00:18:38.000 Oh, okay, good.
00:18:40.000 No, not good.
00:18:41.000 It's bad.
00:18:42.000 We need you to talk him down and use extreme threats.
00:18:47.000 Oh, like when I send Hunter to bed without dessert or a crack?
00:18:55.000 No, no, Putin won't care about that.
00:18:58.000 We need to take substantial economic countermeasures, sir.
00:19:01.000 Oh, yeah.
00:19:03.000 Measure the blinds.
00:19:04.000 Oh, gosh.
00:19:05.000 Look, we'll stop Swift Payments making it impossible to receive money transfers, participate in international commerce, and even- Use Diner's Club.
00:19:14.000 Or, buy one of them new, fancy, horseless garages.
00:19:19.000 Oh, does anybody else smell panties?
00:19:20.000 Just- Please, just try not to talk too much.
00:19:24.000 To who?
00:19:26.000 Who is this?
00:19:26.000 Okay, you know what, alright.
00:19:27.000 We'll reconnect later, sir.
00:19:29.000 Bye-bye.
00:19:29.000 Okay, totals.
00:19:33.000 Yeah, hello?
00:19:34.000 Is Buster Hyman there?
00:19:36.000 Oh, oh, let me check.
00:19:40.000 He wore a corset spot on Biden, I don't know.
00:19:43.000 It is.
00:19:44.000 Fantastic.
00:19:45.000 Wait, you're telling me that wasn't Biden?
00:19:47.000 No, I'm not saying it wasn't.
00:19:48.000 It was either that or Rich Little.
00:19:51.000 I'm really glad I wasn't here to pre-tape any sketches.
00:19:53.000 Me too.
00:19:55.000 Well, this is what you get.
00:19:56.000 A B- for it.
00:19:58.000 A B- Biden.
00:20:00.000 How does a show like this get Rich Little and Bob Dole references?
00:20:04.000 I know, it really shouldn't.
00:20:05.000 We're just altering our demo.
00:20:07.000 Is that Frank Trenolina?
00:20:10.000 For some reason, us and anybody under the age of 72 missed that joke.
00:20:17.000 Just really quickly, going back to that phone call, the newest thing that Biden, I think the White House has proposed, is actually the Ukraine giving them more land to stave off an invasion.
00:20:29.000 Which is a terrible idea.
00:20:30.000 This is the appeasement kind of stuff that cost them Crimea.
00:20:32.000 This is the appeasement stuff that let Hitler take over the Sudetenland. 0.90
00:20:35.000 It was like, well, if we just give him this stuff, he'll be fine.
00:20:37.000 He won't attack you.
00:20:38.000 And it's like, are you serious?
00:20:40.000 We're really doing this again?
00:20:41.000 So I know we're making fun of Mr. Biden here, but this is scary to have him in that chair right now.
00:20:47.000 Kind of like if you just get that third booster, they'll leave you alone.
00:20:49.000 Hold on.
00:20:50.000 David, you're fuzzy.
00:20:51.000 Hold on.
00:20:51.000 I believe it's a fourth booster.
00:20:52.000 If you just give up your guns, we won't have any gun violence anymore, Australia.
00:20:56.000 No, that's just my face, Garrett.
00:20:58.000 I have a fuzzy face.
00:20:58.000 Garrett, why would you turn around like that?
00:20:59.000 I walk around pixelated.
00:21:01.000 His camera's like, I don't know which one to focus.
00:21:04.000 There we go!
00:21:04.000 Pretty close.
00:21:05.000 There you go.
00:21:05.000 Look at that.
00:21:06.000 Stephen's like, no!
00:21:07.000 No, fuzzy!
00:21:08.000 Go fuzzy!
00:21:08.000 Give me the lens filter, the Marilyn Monroe effect.
00:21:11.000 It's like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
00:21:13.000 He's more of a cheesecloth, really.
00:21:15.000 You didn't visit Epstein Island?
00:21:17.000 No.
00:21:18.000 A little different.
00:21:19.000 That was where he got Wilson.
00:21:22.000 And he cut a hole in it.
00:21:24.000 I don't know why.
00:21:24.000 There's Nixon in the shower next to the Prel.
00:21:26.000 Wilson!
00:21:27.000 Wilson! 0.99
00:21:28.000 You know he had a little sex with it. 0.98
00:21:30.000 How long are you going to be out there where you're not like, Wilson? 0.99
00:21:33.000 What are you going to do with that top hole?
00:21:34.000 Come on, let's go spearfishing, guys!
00:21:40.000 That whole movie advertisement for FedEx.
00:21:42.000 Pretty much, yeah.
00:21:43.000 The last scene is just- And Wilson.
00:21:45.000 Yeah, really.
00:21:46.000 Yeah.
00:21:46.000 It's like right after the movie, like, what do I do?
00:21:48.000 Ship Wilsons via FedEx?
00:21:50.000 I don't know, like, I think the whole thing is it may take four years for your package to arrive.
00:21:54.000 Yeah, that's really- That's probably not a good advertisement.
00:21:57.000 No, but it's like, we'll get it there regardless.
00:21:59.000 The guy's like, I've already had this replaced.
00:22:01.000 What do you mean?
00:22:02.000 I now have three children.
00:22:03.000 Yeah.
00:22:05.000 I don't need it anymore.
00:22:06.000 But thanks for the packing peanuts.
00:22:08.000 I appreciate it.
00:22:09.000 I had ordered a vasectomy coupon and now I have three rotten kids. 1.00
00:22:15.000 It's kids who watch Daddy's soccer ball with a bloody handprint on it.
00:22:22.000 Daddy's sticky handprinted soccer ball.
00:22:24.000 I'd clean that if I were you guys.
00:22:26.000 Just a bunch of bottles of confections and seawater.
00:22:30.000 Thanks!
00:22:31.000 Couldn't wrap up Helen Hunt and bring her to the window?
00:22:34.000 Oh boy, wouldn't you be happy if you dodged that bullet?
00:22:39.000 You just come back and you're like, oh, nose.
00:22:42.000 Thank God I crashed.
00:22:45.000 Look at the schnoz! 1.00
00:22:46.000 Oh, look at you. 1.00
00:22:47.000 I'd rather have sex with old Wilson. 1.00
00:22:50.000 Again. 1.00
00:22:51.000 Not a joke.
00:22:52.000 Again.
00:22:53.000 Oh, Wilson!
00:22:58.000 Wilson!
00:22:59.000 He's a tender lover.
00:23:02.000 In more serious issues.
00:23:03.000 No means yes, Wilson!
00:23:05.000 Yes means no.
00:23:07.000 He got me too'd by Wilson?
00:23:08.000 What?
00:23:09.000 How funny when Eddie Wilson comes out later.
00:23:11.000 He's like, look, on the set it got pretty dark.
00:23:15.000 It's just little Wilson on the Wendy Williams Show.
00:23:17.000 He's like, yeah, well really, he put me at the end of a spear.
00:23:20.000 That's not true!
00:23:22.000 Meanwhile, she's just drifting in and out of life.
00:23:25.000 Why do you think I swam for my life when you finally went into the ocean?
00:23:30.000 Yeah, it really was a Titanic ending.
00:23:32.000 You don't do that because you just lost a regular ball. 0.99
00:23:35.000 That's when you lose a sex toy. 1.00
00:23:37.000 That's a lover. 0.99
00:23:41.000 Yesterday guys, let's be serious.
00:23:43.000 Speaking of lovers, yesterday the New York Times reported a lovely couple named, whoops,
00:23:49.000 missed the coaster, a lovely couple named Tracy and Dave Gagnon, that's a good name
00:23:55.000 for a girl.
00:23:56.000 Real names.
00:23:57.000 I believe that for sure.
00:23:58.000 Tracy and Dave Gagnon said their I do's to each other when they hosted their wedding
00:24:05.000 in the metaverse?
00:24:07.000 Aww, very sweet.
00:24:08.000 Mrs. Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend Mr. Gagnon's avatar.
00:24:16.000 This is cringe, man.
00:24:17.000 Wow, this is rough.
00:24:18.000 Okay.
00:24:19.000 She walked on the avi- I'm gonna re-read it.
00:24:23.000 Guys, don't worry about that last part. 0.99
00:24:26.000 I just can't believe it's so stupid because I don't know what it is. 0.98
00:24:29.000 Miss Gagnon. 1.00
00:24:30.000 Sounds like some f***ing commie gobbledygook. 1.00
00:24:32.000 Oh, that's them? 0.99
00:24:33.000 That's pretty accurate.
00:24:34.000 Yeah, that's them.
00:24:35.000 Oh, cool.
00:24:36.000 Yeah.
00:24:37.000 Miss Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend Mr. Gagnon's
00:24:42.000 avatar was watched as his buddy's avatar ambled up.
00:24:48.000 Ambled up again, you're missing a period.
00:24:50.000 Which is usually a problem.
00:24:53.000 Don't worry, it's not like it brings any less credibility.
00:24:55.000 Are you saying I'm pregnant?
00:24:58.000 Let's go for a third time.
00:25:01.000 Would you like me to read it, Dave?
00:25:03.000 Uh, you know what?
00:25:04.000 I'm gonna do it.
00:25:06.000 I'm gonna be the little engine that couldn't.
00:25:08.000 Come on! 0.61
00:25:09.000 Your punctuation's perfect!
00:25:10.000 I can't help it!
00:25:12.000 Mrs. Gagnon's avatar was walked down the aisle by the avatar of her close friend.
00:25:17.000 Period.
00:25:18.000 Mr. Gagnon's avatar watched as his buddy's avatar ambled up to the stage and delivered a toast.
00:25:25.000 And seven-year-old twin avatars, the ring bearer and flower girl, danced at the reception until they were kidnapped and brought to Epstein's Avatar Island.
00:25:35.000 I did not think he would survive after death, but he was in the metaverse.
00:25:39.000 It's really a weird way to end a wedding.
00:25:40.000 It is.
00:25:41.000 It is.
00:25:42.000 I just, you know, I used to get pissed off when people would get married in like, you know, Chuck Taylors.
00:25:46.000 It's like, come on, if there's one day for tradition, you know, just, just do it on the wedding day.
00:25:50.000 And then instead they're like, yeah, you know what, let's get married in our virtual boys.
00:25:54.000 Yeah.
00:25:55.000 Well, virtual boys, that's a good reference.
00:25:59.000 I had a virtual boy.
00:26:00.000 Oh really?
00:26:00.000 I got married in Chuck Taylors, but we'll get to that later.
00:26:02.000 So did I!
00:26:03.000 Yeah, right?
00:26:04.000 Oh, jeez.
00:26:06.000 And I was in a chapel, you'll like that part.
00:26:08.000 I got married dressed like Boba Fett.
00:26:09.000 In Vegas.
00:26:11.000 Yeah, well.
00:26:12.000 Boba Fett to Chuck Taylor.
00:26:13.000 But the Virtua Boy, that was the first metaverse, only it turned out it was like looking directly into a laser light and it gave you eye cancer.
00:26:19.000 Yeah, there was nothing virtual about it other than the fact that you had to wear goggles, and that was it.
00:26:25.000 Then I just worked with a Game Boy controller, and one day my mom's like, we have to take this away, and it was apparently because it was giving you eye cancer.
00:26:32.000 Which explains why my reading level is sixth grade.
00:26:35.000 That's how you miss the punctuation.
00:26:37.000 It's all the red lines.
00:26:38.000 It's not my fault.
00:26:39.000 It's not your fault.
00:26:39.000 It's all that Mario tennis.
00:26:41.000 It's because I played Red Tetris and it burned my face.
00:26:44.000 I saw what messed you up.
00:26:45.000 It was the period and then mister with a period.
00:26:47.000 Yeah, it's two periods.
00:26:48.000 You don't want to have two periods in a row like that. 0.99
00:26:51.000 No, it sucks. 0.93
00:26:53.000 That means there's a problem. 0.97
00:26:54.000 That's ten to fourteen days of I don't want to deal with it.
00:26:57.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:27:01.000 Suicide by calling her bitch. 1.00
00:27:06.000 Oh, throw those pants away, honey. 1.00
00:27:09.000 I know exactly how I'll collect my life insurance if it comes to it.
00:27:12.000 I'm glad I have life insurance.
00:27:13.000 Yeah, me too.
00:27:14.000 Yeah, I got just enough to pay for my car.
00:27:20.000 To be buried in it.
00:27:22.000 Yeah, I bought a casket.
00:27:23.000 No coffin.
00:27:25.000 I bought a curved Bob Dole casket.
00:27:29.000 A wiener casket, let's just call it that.
00:27:32.000 I really, I feel very bad for, you were saying, Darren, that that was like his, they were saying he was robbing the cradle a bit with that girl.
00:27:41.000 Yeah, but she's 80! 0.99
00:27:42.000 But she's 80 now That's an old cradle
00:27:50.000 That's right.
00:27:51.000 Yeah, it's really more of like a... Secondary grave robbing.
00:27:57.000 You don't rob in the cradle so much as the assisted sling that you have to move her around with.
00:28:01.000 Get me in the room temperature pool! 0.98
00:28:03.000 Yeah, but she was like way younger than him.
00:28:05.000 Yeah.
00:28:06.000 Well, Joan Rivers used to have a great bit about Viagra. 0.99
00:28:08.000 You know, it's not nature's way to have a 98 year old guy chasing an 80 year old woman around.
00:28:14.000 Nobody's chasing at that age.
00:28:15.000 Come on.
00:28:16.000 Wheeling.
00:28:17.000 It's like one of those pirate cuckoo clocks.
00:28:21.000 I would imagine cruise ships, most of the deaths are just Viagra related heart attacks.
00:28:26.000 Yes.
00:28:28.000 And the fallout therein.
00:28:30.000 Yeah.
00:28:31.000 Hey, wouldn't you want to die that way though?
00:28:32.000 No, no, no.
00:28:33.000 That's COVID, guys.
00:28:34.000 No, I mean like accidentally last four hours, you bump into somebody who's looking over the side.
00:28:39.000 Right.
00:28:39.000 Oops.
00:28:39.000 I'm sorry.
00:28:40.000 Ah, jeez.
00:28:41.000 You see this?
00:28:42.000 I'm gonna go play shuffleboard with this thing.
00:28:45.000 Wait a minute, I'm sorry, you said this is a negative side effect? 0.66
00:28:47.000 I have an erection that lasts for four hours?
00:28:50.000 I wouldn't like that. 0.82
00:28:51.000 Is there a doctor on this ship?
00:28:52.000 Call the ladies. 0.98
00:28:53.000 Quarantine it like whatever it was, a princess with COVID because all the guys get throat cancer from Raquel Welch's HPV.
00:29:01.000 This is the worst vacation of my life.
00:29:04.000 And the best.
00:29:07.000 It's worth it. 0.99
00:29:09.000 Damn that Bridget Bardot. 1.00
00:29:17.000 Wow, that is a pull. 1.00
00:29:19.000 I'm going way back.
00:29:20.000 I'm trying to think their generation.
00:29:22.000 You see where I get it?
00:29:23.000 I'm wondering who's laughing on the other end of that one now.
00:29:25.000 As long as we get it, I don't care.
00:29:27.000 Her ex-husband. 1.00
00:29:28.000 He's like, haha, dumb bitch. 1.00
00:29:31.000 Sure, she did this to me, but I feel better. 0.99
00:29:37.000 Well, in case you guys wanted to know, apparently this couple, before they actually met each other, their avatars met at a Metaverse business event.
00:29:46.000 And they promptly got into a fight.
00:29:48.000 Yes.
00:29:50.000 What an awful life.
00:29:51.000 Metaverse couples counseling.
00:29:53.000 I want to see what the avatars look like in relation to the actual people.
00:29:56.000 They've got to be better looking.
00:29:57.000 No, I really do.
00:29:58.000 Because the guy chose to be bald in his avatar.
00:30:00.000 He could have done anything in the world.
00:30:02.000 He chose to go bald.
00:30:03.000 I'm betting he's pretty accurate.
00:30:04.000 And she looked like a Barbie doll.
00:30:05.000 Maybe he's just so confident.
00:30:08.000 In real life?
00:30:08.000 I'm just wondering how close the guy was to the... There's two real things.
00:30:13.000 They'll pick one flaw.
00:30:14.000 One will be he's actually bald in real life, and she has blonde hair that's dyed.
00:30:20.000 Okay, so it does look like she has blonde hair. 1.00
00:30:22.000 Do we see her?
00:30:22.000 Can we see her?
00:30:23.000 He's got a hat on.
00:30:24.000 He's definitely bald.
00:30:24.000 Can we zoom in?
00:30:25.000 Or he's just super confident, like a reverse stelter, trying to throw him off the scent.
00:30:30.000 It's the best we can do.
00:30:31.000 By the way, Metaverse looks really popular.
00:30:33.000 There's like eight people.
00:30:34.000 It's like a Biden rally.
00:30:35.000 If you're going to create a fictional universe, why the Courtyard Ballroom Bee?
00:30:40.000 It could be like a castle or something cool.
00:30:42.000 Like one of the castles from Mario.
00:30:43.000 Yeah, like the Beauty and the Beast Ballroom. 0.86
00:30:45.000 Yeah, one metaverse person just sucks at event planning. 0.80
00:30:48.000 Right. 0.68
00:30:49.000 It's like, well, we can only get La Quinta.
00:30:51.000 Yeah.
00:30:52.000 The cake is late.
00:30:53.000 Come on! 0.61
00:30:55.000 High school's gym.
00:30:55.000 If you're Metaverse marrying at La Quinta suite.
00:30:58.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:30:58.000 Enjoy.
00:30:59.000 You get a free room.
00:31:00.000 Ballroom B. There's a tub I wouldn't bathe in.
00:31:04.000 Guys, you're gonna have to... I don't understand any of this.
00:31:06.000 Is it just figurines?
00:31:09.000 No, you know what's funny?
00:31:10.000 There was no motion!
00:31:11.000 I barely get it either.
00:31:13.000 How's the band gonna like it?
00:31:14.000 It's anime, basically.
00:31:15.000 It's like a second life, right?
00:31:17.000 It's like Second Life, yeah.
00:31:18.000 Yeah, they are.
00:31:19.000 Oh, Lord.
00:31:20.000 Well, she's not as bad.
00:31:24.000 He was honest.
00:31:25.000 He was very honest.
00:31:26.000 I don't think she was quite.
00:31:27.000 There goes a guy with a plane.
00:31:28.000 Very.
00:31:30.000 A nice one, yeah.
00:31:32.000 It's so strange.
00:31:34.000 That, uh, the way that a guy like that can get a decent-looking gal. 1.00
00:31:38.000 Well, they met online first.
00:31:39.000 Money, Dave.
00:31:40.000 Money.
00:31:40.000 Well, I know it's money.
00:31:42.000 Why else do you marry a guy, really?
00:31:44.000 I've seen men.
00:31:45.000 I wouldn't marry him. 1.00
00:31:46.000 They're disgusting animals. 1.00
00:31:47.000 They really are just pigs. 1.00
00:31:49.000 Maybe she's like a Russian mail-order bride. 1.00
00:31:51.000 She could be.
00:31:53.000 I love Metaverse.
00:31:54.000 Yes, I like Metaverse.
00:31:56.000 She's rolling her eyes.
00:31:57.000 I like bald men with double chin.
00:31:59.000 It's, uh, my perfect guy.
00:32:01.000 Yes, in my country, metaverse marry you! 0.99
00:32:04.000 Yes!
00:32:04.000 Jakov Smirnoff.
00:32:05.000 How is it that you are so single, yet so bald and so chinny? 0.96
00:32:12.000 You are very fat, which means in my country, wealthy. 0.98
00:32:15.000 Yes, you probably have lowest genes. 0.99
00:32:18.000 Yes, come.
00:32:20.000 Come, come.
00:32:20.000 All right, let's get serious, guys.
00:32:25.000 Yes.
00:32:25.000 Why?
00:32:26.000 Because there is a trial going on and I don't want to make light of a very sad situation.
00:32:32.000 Yes, I do.
00:32:33.000 Juicy Smollet trial.
00:32:36.000 He leaves with Juicy.
00:32:38.000 Listen, that is the correct pronunciation that he requested at the trial.
00:32:41.000 Okay, that's Juicy Smollett.
00:32:43.000 The trial is currently underway.
00:32:45.000 We're going to go through some of the highlights from the past few days.
00:32:48.000 Thank God.
00:32:49.000 But first, a flashback to 2019 when Don Lemon said he was contacting Juicy every day to show his support for a fellow gay black man. 0.95
00:32:59.000 Do I want to be black? 0.96
00:33:01.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:33:02.000 Or do I want to be gay?
00:33:03.000 Yes. 1.00
00:33:03.000 Like if you pick one, you're just going to turn white? 1.00
00:33:07.000 It's the dating game.
00:33:10.000 Every day, I say, I know you think I'm annoying.
00:33:13.000 I can show you a text.
00:33:14.000 Correct.
00:33:14.000 I know you think I'm annoying you, but I just want to know that you're doing OK.
00:33:18.000 That you're OK.
00:33:19.000 He's trying to get some.
00:33:20.000 If you need somebody, you can talk to me.
00:33:22.000 Because there's not a lot of us out there.
00:33:24.000 Sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't.
00:33:26.000 He responds and says, you are not annoying.
00:33:28.000 No, there's a lot of you, you just don't admit it because you're afraid of your friends.
00:33:32.000 And then Jada Pinkett tried to set him up with Will Smith.
00:33:36.000 Good news, I have a husband who's a cupcake.
00:33:38.000 Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a match.
00:33:42.000 Find me a find.
00:33:44.000 Just look past the ears.
00:33:45.000 I also have a husband who's a Scientologist.
00:33:50.000 You know what I mean.
00:33:53.000 Follow the science.
00:33:54.000 Listen, come on.
00:33:59.000 Well, on Monday, I don't know if you guys know this, Juicy Smollett testified that Don Lemon warned him via text that the Chicago Police Department did not believe his story.
00:34:09.000 The straight whites are coming! 1.00
00:34:10.000 The straight whites are coming! 1.00
00:34:13.000 Which kind of makes me think he knew about it.
00:34:16.000 Yeah.
00:34:16.000 What do you mean, he knew?
00:34:18.000 It's like, of course.
00:34:19.000 Maybe he got a tip sheet from a primetime anchor that kind of Well, we're on YouTube, I don't want them to say we said it definitely, so maybe he knew, even though he was texting him saying he knew.
00:34:29.000 Hey, you know those Nigerians you paid by check and rode around with in a car the day before? 0.98
00:34:35.000 It's seemingly weird.
00:34:37.000 I forgot he paid by check.
00:34:39.000 I remember when I used to buy drugs, I'd be like, for exactly an eight ball of cocaine.
00:34:46.000 Don't write that in the memo, Dave.
00:34:47.000 Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
00:34:48.000 What's your name?
00:34:49.000 Grills?
00:34:50.000 Alright.
00:34:51.000 They'll cash this, huh?
00:34:54.000 How many Z's are in that? 0.97
00:35:00.000 Can I post-date this? 0.96
00:35:02.000 Didn't Jerry Springer pay a prostitute with a check? 0.92
00:35:04.000 With a check, that's how he got caught as mayor of Cincinnati. 0.61
00:35:07.000 That's awesome.
00:35:08.000 Not only was it a personal check, it was a city check.
00:35:14.000 That is absolutely how it's meant to be.
00:35:16.000 He should be run out of town on a rail.
00:35:18.000 Instead, we gave him a talk show and listened to him for years.
00:35:20.000 I know, but I love him.
00:35:21.000 And he became a legend.
00:35:23.000 We went every day after school to my friend's house to watch the Jerry Springer Show.
00:35:28.000 It's a dumpster fire and we couldn't look away.
00:35:30.000 We're like, huh.
00:35:31.000 Well, I had a friend who booked it for a while.
00:35:33.000 It's just regular people.
00:35:35.000 Well, no, occasionally they do get giant trash bags, but usually it's actors.
00:35:38.000 Like my friend Sebastian did the Wilco show, I think, like two different times as different characters. 0.99
00:35:46.000 I mean, America might have its low point people, like white trash, but not to that level. 1.00
00:35:54.000 There was a little too much. 0.99
00:35:55.000 I used to love the boxing ring bell.
00:35:57.000 It was to get them going.
00:35:58.000 It was time to fight.
00:35:59.000 Steve!
00:36:00.000 Steve!
00:36:00.000 This is a going nowhere fight now.
00:36:01.000 Well, then the movie he made was called Ringmaster.
00:36:05.000 It just became about fighting.
00:36:07.000 Yeah, that's all the show was.
00:36:08.000 It's kind of like hockey.
00:36:10.000 For most Americans who don't watch hockey, we love the fighting.
00:36:13.000 We're like, well, that's how you settle it on the ice.
00:36:15.000 I love it, right?
00:36:15.000 Same thing with Harry Springer.
00:36:17.000 It was at the same time where all it was was hockey fights.
00:36:20.000 As a Red Wings fan, it was like, if Probert doesn't hurt someone today, I'm fighting in Detroit.
00:36:25.000 Oh, it was just blood on the ice every game.
00:36:28.000 The funniest thing, I don't know if we can ever get this on the show, but Stephen sent me a... What was it?
00:36:32.000 The Avalanche versus the Red Wings or something?
00:36:34.000 Or Blackhawks?
00:36:34.000 I think it was Detroit versus Colorado.
00:36:37.000 There was a rivalry of three nights.
00:36:39.000 Amazing!
00:36:40.000 It was just fight at literally the high... When you had Patrick Wass coming out there and then he just gets clotheslined by the other guys.
00:36:46.000 When you have the goalie getting in a fight, that was just...
00:36:50.000 There were two goalie fights, and I remember the commentators being like, oh boy, we have 45 minutes left, but it's going to take a couple of hours here.
00:36:59.000 It was hilarious.
00:37:01.000 They're pulling the goalie.
00:37:03.000 Why?
00:37:03.000 Well, he was hitting the other goalie.
00:37:07.000 There's like no one left on the ice for 15 minutes and each penalty box is packed to the gills.
00:37:12.000 There's nothing funnier though when you have a goal... I mean they're dressed like beekeepers.
00:37:15.000 Oh yeah.
00:37:16.000 And the other guy looks down and he's gonna skate 200 feet and they know they're gonna do this together.
00:37:21.000 And he's getting ready for them.
00:37:23.000 Because the goalies always fight the goalies.
00:37:24.000 Like a joust.
00:37:25.000 Yeah exactly.
00:37:26.000 Three minutes later.
00:37:28.000 And boy, that rivalry between the Avalanche and Detroit was just legendary.
00:37:34.000 It was legendary.
00:37:36.000 Because now they try to make it less physical, which has ironically made it more dangerous because the game's gotten faster.
00:37:41.000 So there are more open ice hits.
00:37:43.000 You know, it's kind of like inside fighting and boxing, you know, like a guy who's in close, it doesn't do as much damage because there's less velocity.
00:37:49.000 But now there are more open ice hits because they've tried to get rid of sort of the scrums that take place.
00:37:54.000 No, keep them.
00:37:54.000 Well, Sidney Crosby got more concussions in one season than Wayne Gretzky got in his entire career.
00:38:00.000 Oh, wow.
00:38:00.000 Really?
00:38:01.000 Because he had two, he had McSorley and Semenko.
00:38:03.000 Oh, yeah.
00:38:04.000 I always love the Red Wings or any player where they didn't wear the mask and their face was just ruined and they had three teeth.
00:38:10.000 It's like, you know that guy doesn't care, right?
00:38:12.000 You know, true story, true story.
00:38:14.000 My dad, you know this. 0.91
00:38:15.000 Horrible father with this one.
00:38:17.000 Love you. 1.00
00:38:18.000 He used to, when I was a kid, it was really hard for him to tell me I had to wear a mask, a face mask at hockey, because I would always hear him, he'd be watching hockey, and he would see a guy with a visor, he'd go, ugh, pussy. 0.99
00:38:29.000 No, it's not that, the protection is fine. 0.99
00:38:32.000 But Steven, you should wear your mask, yeah.
00:38:34.000 To challenge some guy to a fight while you're dressed like a beekeeper.
00:38:37.000 I mean, you can't be hurt, right?
00:38:38.000 Yeah, when you rip it.
00:38:39.000 So, na-na-na-na-na, you know, come on.
00:38:41.000 Yeah, it really is.
00:38:42.000 And in the old days, you had a price to pay if you fought someone.
00:38:44.000 They were gonna bend your nose and... Oh, well, part of it was, like, you had to, like, do that move so the gloves flew off, and then you were actually boxing.
00:38:52.000 Which isn't easy to do.
00:38:53.000 You have to get your gloves off fast, because if they see you trying to... These guys would have a whole rhythm to it.
00:38:59.000 Yeah.
00:38:59.000 And now they've tacked the jerseys down to the back of the pants so you can't pull that over anymore.
00:39:03.000 I know, that was always the best part.
00:39:04.000 You can't have the Gilmore'em and just like... No, it has like a garter hook on the bottom.
00:39:08.000 That seems like a dirty trick.
00:39:09.000 When you played, did you play with helmets or you didn't even play with helmets?
00:39:12.000 Oh yes, of course.
00:39:13.000 Come on, I'm not that old.
00:39:14.000 I don't know.
00:39:14.000 Were they leather?
00:39:15.000 We had leather helmets.
00:39:17.000 Leather ice helmets.
00:39:18.000 Yeah, and a Jason mask.
00:39:21.000 Well the goaltenders wore those Jason masks.
00:39:22.000 They did.
00:39:23.000 That's for sure.
00:39:23.000 I love it.
00:39:24.000 It's why just randomly he'll just go, it's Tuesday!
00:39:26.000 Every eight minutes.
00:39:31.000 Oh, somebody making toast again?
00:39:36.000 Oh man, I don't know what it is.
00:39:38.000 Love it.
00:39:39.000 Something about Jussie Smollett, I think.
00:39:41.000 Oh, we were, yes.
00:39:42.000 Jussie also.
00:39:43.000 Screw that guy.
00:39:43.000 Yeah, allegedly.
00:39:44.000 This is more fun than talking about this idiot. 1.00
00:39:46.000 I mean, this hero. 1.00
00:39:49.000 Beautiful, brave.
00:39:50.000 Victim?
00:39:50.000 Yet to be convicted.
00:39:51.000 Yes.
00:39:52.000 Yet to be convicted.
00:39:53.000 Wonderful chin strap.
00:39:54.000 Possibly innocent, good chin strap.
00:39:55.000 Role playing gone bad.
00:39:56.000 Great actor.
00:39:57.000 Great, great actor.
00:39:59.000 Jussie also.
00:40:01.000 Allegedly did a dry run of the attack the day before the alleged hate crime.
00:40:05.000 I thought that said dry rub.
00:40:06.000 Like a hate crime rehearsal dinner.
00:40:08.000 I think he did.
00:40:10.000 Yes.
00:40:12.000 Just the families together.
00:40:14.000 No other guests.
00:40:16.000 We'd like to have a limited menu.
00:40:18.000 Nothing ethnic. 1.00
00:40:19.000 What a piece of shit. 1.00
00:40:20.000 I'm sorry, what a piece of shit. 1.00
00:40:22.000 It really is unbelievable. 1.00
00:40:24.000 To hire two really dark black guys who don't know any better just to tell, you know, that's why you didn't fill them in on the gas. 1.00
00:40:31.000 Do a dry run and then tie a pay less shoelace around his neck. 0.98
00:40:35.000 Keep it on for the cops.
00:40:37.000 Then get warned by Don Lemon and now try and throw them under the bus. 1.00
00:40:40.000 Just what a, what a, what garbage. 0.99
00:40:42.000 Write a check and then come back with an intact sandwich. 1.00
00:40:46.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77
00:40:47.000 It's like, never in the history of hate crime did somebody go, fortunately I was able to save my bag of Wendy's.
00:40:55.000 This is really what Martin Luther King envisioned.
00:40:57.000 Oh yeah, he was like, please, I want the worst version.
00:41:00.000 Mess him up!
00:41:01.000 Mess him up!
00:41:01.000 Is that a tuna on rye?
00:41:02.000 Man, that's too far.
00:41:04.000 Put that down nicely. 1.00
00:41:05.000 That's that new Toscano, bitch! 1.00
00:41:07.000 Don't touch that shit! 1.00
00:41:08.000 Toscano Tuesday, man! 1.00
00:41:09.000 I have a dream that a man can fake a hate crime and have an intact Subway sandwich at the end.
00:41:16.000 Eat fresh.
00:41:17.000 The need to fake a hate crime because there are literally no hate crimes.
00:41:21.000 Why doesn't Subway use him as a spokesperson?
00:41:24.000 It would at least be hilarious.
00:41:25.000 It would. 0.87
00:41:26.000 It's better than the pedophile they have.
00:41:27.000 He'll probably be in there with Jared soon.
00:41:28.000 Yeah, I know.
00:41:29.000 Jared is holding up his pants like, look at these!
00:41:32.000 I took them off in front of a kid!
00:41:34.000 So I, uh, what happened?
00:41:39.000 After the attack, Juicy Smollett allegedly texted one of his attackers, Brother, I love you.
00:41:46.000 I stand with you.
00:41:46.000 I know 10,000 percent.
00:41:49.000 That's not even accurate.
00:41:50.000 You and your brother did nothing wrong and never would.
00:41:53.000 And then he goes on camera and says, I was attacked by these two guys.
00:41:58.000 The opposite of what he said in that text.
00:42:00.000 Yes.
00:42:01.000 I love how we have to say allegedly, but you're reading the actual text.
00:42:06.000 It really is amazing the hoops you have to jump through just to be honest.
00:42:11.000 Yeah.
00:42:11.000 Yeah.
00:42:11.000 Allegedly, he is blood type B negative.
00:42:14.000 Where'd you get that?
00:42:14.000 From his blood test.
00:42:15.000 But you know, when he caught himself pretending somebody else did it.
00:42:19.000 Yes.
00:42:20.000 Smalley's defense attorney, Tamara Walker, began crying after she asked for a, that's what you want in a lawyer, Yeah. 1.00
00:42:26.000 What?
00:42:26.000 That's what judges tend to do.
00:42:28.000 Yeah, they tend to just come over that bench.
00:42:30.000 Start swinging.
00:42:31.000 As judges tend to do yeah, they tend to just come over that bench
00:42:34.000 Start swinging. She a public why I oughta public prosecutor. 1.00
00:42:38.000 No, she's a PMS No judges like I'm gonna beat this 1.00
00:42:43.000 Shh. I don't... What?
00:42:45.000 You better watch it, young lady.
00:42:46.000 Give you a fresh one.
00:42:47.000 He's trying to come over the desk.
00:42:50.000 What?
00:42:50.000 What?
00:42:50.000 Say it again!
00:42:52.000 Lady, say it! 1.00
00:42:52.000 Joe Brown might. 1.00
00:42:53.000 Yeah, he'd be like, you like to hit women? 1.00
00:42:54.000 Alright, here I come. 0.99
00:42:55.000 He'd be like, I was a bad kid in Detroit.
00:42:57.000 Yeah, I'm gonna mess you up.
00:42:58.000 Bad mamma jamma. 1.00
00:43:00.000 Stab you in your belt buckle and shit. 1.00
00:43:01.000 I'm gonna cut your eyes out. 1.00
00:43:05.000 And then I wear them on my eyes. 0.99
00:43:06.000 Oh, wow.
00:43:07.000 I won't even be able to see through my eyes, but I will find solace in the fact that people know your eyes are also there.
00:43:12.000 I'll be led around by a dog.
00:43:14.000 What?
00:43:15.000 With your eyes.
00:43:16.000 Like Pan's Labyrinth, only they're not on my hands.
00:43:18.000 I'm sorry, I'm very drunk. 0.96
00:43:19.000 Let's shoot. 0.73
00:43:21.000 Jussie Smollett's defense is trying to paint his attackers as homophobic, citing a tweet from one of the alleged attackers about Frank Ocean. 0.82
00:43:33.000 Why are you following Frank Ocean?
00:43:35.000 You know that, uh, I don't know what that word is.
00:43:37.000 I have no idea.
00:43:38.000 Night gay, right? 0.99
00:43:39.000 Yeah. 0.93
00:43:42.000 Yeah, night, I think you're right.
00:43:42.000 Yeah, I think it was night.
00:43:44.000 Well, they were dark as night.
00:43:45.000 Yeah, dark as night.
00:43:46.000 In a blizzard.
00:43:47.000 They were painting them, so. 0.97
00:43:49.000 Yeah, I bet they did know Frank Ocean is gay. 0.96
00:43:51.000 It's sort of his thing.
00:43:53.000 Yeah, it's pretty open.
00:43:54.000 I don't think it was ever a hidden... Frank Ocean just came out, Dave.
00:43:59.000 Really?
00:43:59.000 Yeah, weird.
00:44:00.000 Never saw that coming.
00:44:02.000 When?
00:44:02.000 When he started his career 15 years ago and everybody knew he was gay?
00:44:06.000 Wow.
00:44:08.000 Breaking news.
00:44:10.000 Now, Jesse Smollett texted that?
00:44:12.000 Yeah. 0.87
00:44:12.000 The gay guy? 0.87
00:44:13.000 No, no, no. 0.62
00:44:14.000 One of the Nigerian guys tested it.
00:44:16.000 One of the Nigerian nightmares, yeah, they tested it. 1.00
00:44:18.000 They didn't realize he was gay. 0.95
00:44:20.000 Yeah.
00:44:20.000 Ola Binjo.
00:44:21.000 Ola.
00:44:22.000 Ola Binjo.
00:44:22.000 It's a good name.
00:44:23.000 Yeah, it's a good name for a white supremacist.
00:44:24.000 It's a good, great name.
00:44:25.000 Really, yeah.
00:44:26.000 Ola Binjo. 1.00
00:44:26.000 We're about to go lynch us some blacks! 1.00
00:44:28.000 Ain't that right, Ola Binjo? 1.00
00:44:31.000 Just him and white people. 0.55
00:44:32.000 Yes, that is right! 1.00
00:44:34.000 We hate them!
00:44:34.000 They are bringing down our property values!
00:44:40.000 You are correct, Pyramid Grapes.
00:44:43.000 Hey, you might want to take the ringlets off your neck.
00:44:46.000 They could get caught on a Subway sandwich.
00:44:49.000 Hey, can you get your hood on over your lip disc?
00:44:53.000 Yes!
00:44:54.000 How?
00:44:55.000 Did you cut that in?
00:44:56.000 Yes.
00:44:57.000 No.
00:44:57.000 Dalshim, just make sure...
00:45:01.000 Don't forget the bleach!
00:45:03.000 Yes, that's the way in case they catch us, we can turn white real quick. 0.75
00:45:07.000 Michael Jackson did it.
00:45:08.000 Yes, that's how it works.
00:45:09.000 He comes back with name brand cloaks. 1.00
00:45:11.000 You dumb son of a bitch, just get greater value! 1.00
00:45:17.000 I told you to buy in bulk, knight! 1.00
00:45:19.000 Yes, you lost 82 extra cents of our check written to do this.
00:45:27.000 Why does it say hate crime in the memo?
00:45:29.000 I just probably wrote that fake hate crime.
00:45:32.000 They're like, that's why we think of Jeff.
00:45:34.000 Yeah, this is all we need.
00:45:37.000 But a wrench was thrown, guys, into the defense attorney strategy when Juicy Smollett testified. 0.97
00:45:43.000 He did drugs and masturbated with one of his attackers. 0.63
00:45:46.000 If you can fake a hate crime, you can dodge a wrench. 0.99
00:45:49.000 I feel like a guy judging Frank Ocean masturbating with someone. 0.96
00:45:52.000 Boy, that is the pot calling the kettle black. 0.99
00:45:57.000 Totally normal, Dave.
00:45:58.000 Totally normal.
00:45:59.000 Totally fine.
00:45:59.000 He's gay, you know.
00:46:01.000 I have heard. 0.99
00:46:02.000 Is that because you're inside of him?
00:46:06.000 Ouch! 1.00
00:46:07.000 How are you making that call?
00:46:08.000 It's a fall move!
00:46:09.000 It looks like it was the other brother, maybe?
00:46:11.000 Because this one says Abimbola Osundaro.
00:46:16.000 Oh, my bad.
00:46:17.000 Oh yeah, Abimbola.
00:46:17.000 That was a racist pronunciation if I've ever heard one.
00:46:19.000 Yeah, by the way, please fact check that, people.
00:46:21.000 Abimbola.
00:46:22.000 Call us on it.
00:46:23.000 We got the brothers wrong.
00:46:25.000 All references available at livewithcoder.com.
00:46:26.000 They both just sound like diseases you can only die from in their native land.
00:46:30.000 Right, yeah.
00:46:34.000 I'm Bambola.
00:46:35.000 Please leave.
00:46:36.000 Yes.
00:46:36.000 Do you want me to take my shoes off?
00:46:38.000 I want you to leave.
00:46:39.000 Just leave, please.
00:46:40.000 We here at LWC, that's Louder with Crowder with Dave.
00:46:43.000 That's right.
00:46:44.000 Have actually obtained exclusive audio of Juicy and his attacker planning their night in the bathhouse.
00:46:50.000 Oh no.
00:46:50.000 Oh boy.
00:46:54.000 So, you and that other man are just going to need to assault me, you know what I'm saying?
00:47:02.000 Yes. 0.99
00:47:03.000 I'll give you $3,500 and we'll say it's a hate crime from two white guys. 0.76
00:47:10.000 But we are Nigerian.
00:47:15.000 It's called acting.
00:47:17.000 I can teach you.
00:47:19.000 But you're not a good actor.
00:47:26.000 Well now I'm getting all soft.
00:47:29.000 It hurt my feelings.
00:47:32.000 I am harder now! 1.00
00:47:36.000 Your singing sucks! 1.00
00:47:38.000 Stop! 1.00
00:47:38.000 Stop insulting me! 1.00
00:47:39.000 You want my money or not!
00:47:41.000 Yes!
00:47:43.000 Oh! 0.60
00:47:45.000 Yes! Yes! Yes, I'm done.
00:47:52.000 I'm gonna go to Subway and get a 12 inch meatball. 1.00
00:47:56.000 Stick it up my ass and shit. 1.00
00:47:59.000 Yeah, I did not review that sketch before. 1.00
00:48:01.000 Thanks for sneaking that one in, dude.
00:48:03.000 To be honest, I was actually watching your face that whole time.
00:48:08.000 What's amazing is I'd like to thank the panel there for these sound effects made.
00:48:12.000 Yeah, well, my mom's watching.
00:48:16.000 My mom's watching from heaven.
00:48:19.000 Shaking her head.
00:48:20.000 That's what's funny.
00:48:23.000 People are like, I think your parents are looking down on you.
00:48:25.000 I'm like, I hope not.
00:48:26.000 I hope not.
00:48:26.000 I really, at least I hope God's like, not right now.
00:48:30.000 Give him some time. 0.99
00:48:31.000 He's doing another dick joke. 0.93
00:48:32.000 There's like three minutes of today where he won't be. 1.00
00:48:35.000 Are you the penis master? 0.99
00:48:36.000 Are you? 1.00
00:48:37.000 That's a true story.
00:48:38.000 And you will hear that story February 12th where, again, I want to thank Stephen for coming out and doing the Majestic Theatre with me.
00:48:45.000 It's going to be a very exciting night and I was really happy that you wanted to do that.
00:48:48.000 Yeah, well you might be taping your special too.
00:48:50.000 Indeed.
00:48:50.000 Yeah, well let's hope.
00:48:52.000 Stephen is not coming out.
00:48:54.000 No, I didn't mean like that.
00:48:55.000 You said, Steven is making an appearance.
00:48:57.000 I think we can use language to mean what it means.
00:48:59.000 No, no, no.
00:49:01.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:49:01.000 Get your mind out of the gutter, Gerald.
00:49:02.000 You're better than that.
00:49:03.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77
00:49:04.000 Come on, dude.
00:49:04.000 You're better than that, Gerald.
00:49:06.000 Why are you gay? 1.00
00:49:06.000 What are you going to write on that check to me? 1.00
00:49:09.000 Yeah.
00:49:10.000 Things you don't want to know.
00:49:11.000 You know what?
00:49:12.000 Buy a couple of tuna on three cheese bread, we'll call it even.
00:49:17.000 There's no such thing as three cheese bread.
00:49:18.000 Is there not?
00:49:20.000 It's Italian urban cheese.
00:49:22.000 I'll make you three cheese bread right now.
00:49:24.000 Go get me three cheeses and bread.
00:49:26.000 No.
00:49:27.000 Easy.
00:49:27.000 No, Dave, I will not.
00:49:28.000 I call it a Davey grill cheese.
00:49:30.000 Don't make me come over there, Dave.
00:49:31.000 I can do cheddar, monster, Swiss.
00:49:33.000 I don't care.
00:49:34.000 There's three right there.
00:49:34.000 Whoa, those are not usually a blend.
00:49:36.000 No, they don't cook well, but I'll do it.
00:49:38.000 And there's no cheese named Monster.
00:49:40.000 Did I say Monster?
00:49:41.000 You did.
00:49:42.000 I thought you said Munster.
00:49:43.000 Oh, he said Munster.
00:49:44.000 It's Irish.
00:49:45.000 It's Munster.
00:49:45.000 Either way, I like the show, The Munsters.
00:49:47.000 Hey, everyone, because I know Dave will forget unless it's written in front of him, smash that like button.
00:49:52.000 Smash that like button.
00:49:55.000 And comment below, show Dave your love for stepping in because I'm a busy man and I said, I know if I host today, I'm going to get everything wrong.
00:50:05.000 So I said, Dave, you jump on this one.
00:50:07.000 You get everything.
00:50:08.000 Wronger than this?
00:50:10.000 Well, you know what I can say?
00:50:11.000 Thank you all.
00:50:13.000 It's Chat Thursday!
00:50:17.000 So join us at Mug Club.
00:50:18.000 And why not sign up for Mug Club? 0.83
00:50:20.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77
00:50:21.000 It's Christmas.
00:50:22.000 We're gonna do an hour.
00:50:23.000 Yeah, get somebody a membership.
00:50:24.000 Yep.
00:50:27.000 Was that between my thighs? 0.70
00:50:29.000 A celebration.
00:50:32.000 Did I break wind?
00:50:34.000 Was that me?
00:50:35.000 Oh, dear.
00:50:37.000 A royal one.
00:50:38.000 All right.
00:50:40.000 All right.
00:50:40.000 You're welcome.
00:50:41.000 All this and more.
00:50:41.000 On Mug Club, he's gonna fart taps.
00:50:43.000 That's right.
00:50:43.000 It's gonna be interesting.
00:50:44.000 Yep.
00:50:45.000 Yep.
00:50:45.000 I usually can only get in three, but, you know, we'll see.
00:50:49.000 I can fart the alphabet.
00:50:50.000 It's very weird, and my doctor says I'll die soon.
00:50:52.000 Anyway, please comment and check us out.
00:50:55.000 We will be back Monday, right here.
00:50:57.000 Right.
00:50:57.000 Right here.
00:50:58.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97
00:50:59.000 Piss off. 0.83
00:50:59.000 YouTube. 0.83
00:51:01.000 YouTube?