A Man Only Has Five Types of Friends ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Harmful content
Misogyny
1
sentences flagged
Toxicity
33
sentences flagged
Hate speech
4
sentences flagged
Summary
Most men go their entire lives running on substitutes without ever noticing that their tank was never full, that they never had the depth that they were looking for, or that there was never any glue that was keeping them together except for proximity and proximity only.
Transcript
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So if I ask 100 friends, what's your biggest fear?
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I'm really afraid of not being meaningful and significant.
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you know when you're being weak and soft and pathetic and there are 20 percent of men who
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know that about you too men you've got five types of friends in your life
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maybe you'd call it 10 or 20 or 100 or whatever uh maybe on the opposite end of the spectrum
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you'd say you don't really have any friends at all but if you actually sat down and mapped it
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all out. Every guy you text, every man that you might grab a beer with, every man whose name comes
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up when somebody asks who are your guys or on your phone when you get a text, he'd likely fall
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into one of five categories. And here's the part that I think might sting a little if you spend
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some time thinking about it none of them on their own is a real friend actually that's not true
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there is one there is one who's a real friend and i'll hit that on friend number five um and it's
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not because these guys are bad it's not because they're malicious or they want the worst for you
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it's because these five guys are are substitutes the four guys are a substitute for the thing that
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you actually need and most men go their entire lives running on substitutes without ever noticing
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that their tank was never full that they never had the depth that they were looking for
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so i want to start with the one that you've got the most of it's the most covered it's it's called
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the convenient guy okay this is the guy uh at the gym the guy in your group chat the guy from
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the the the neighbor that lives next to you it's your wife's friend's husband it's the guy that you
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went to high school with and played baseball with maybe if it's an it's the guy that you played
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what his son played baseball with with your your kids and he's around because logistics put him
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around you know he's in the same building he's in the same neighborhood he's at the same sports
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complex he's that he's at the same business events he he's running the same errands as you
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and when those logistics change he's gone not because of falling out not because you guys had
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a difference of opinion be big but because there was never really any glue that was holding anything
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together except just proximity and proximity is fine i mean you'll meet some great people
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but the difference is intentionality but that convenient man so that's number one it's the
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convenient he shows up when it's when it's good for him when it's easy plans when it's easy timing
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when it's low stakes you know he's going to ask you for something that costs him nothing but cost
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you time energy money attention because he's not willing to invest in his own well-being
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when he becomes capable of producing more than he consumes.
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So when you say, hey, man, let's go out and do this thing.
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and most men mistake the volume of the convenience that they have in their life
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you know you might have 40 guys in your phone contact or 100 guys or 200 guys or 5 000 guys
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in your facebook group or your facebook page or whatever um and not one of them would help you
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get off the couch not one of them would help you overcome addiction not one of them would step up
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and help you move. Not one of them would help you when you're dealing with some marital spouts.
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Not a single one of them. It's all about them. It's very selfish. It's self-serving. And you
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know it. You know it when you see it. All right. So that's number one, the convenient. Number two,
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and this kind of ties into the convenient a little bit. This is the default. This is that guy,
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like the apartment complex the neighbor the kid you went to high school with the the guy that you
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sit next to in the cubicle with the guy that happens to be on your softball team like you
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didn't choose that guy life just kind of you know handed him to you again it's it's the husband of
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of your wife's friend or or the guy at work who just happens to be next to you not because you
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chose it but because it is what it is it's that high school buddy that you haven't really thought
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about whether or not it's serving you and your life and your goals but he's been around for 20
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years and so it is just what it is but you've never actively ended that relationship
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it's it's the default it's the relationship that just runs in perpetuity on
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loyalty i mean i and i can respect that a relationship that runs on loyalty i mean that
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that actually sounds pretty good right like you want a person who's loyal to you but if that's
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all it is it doesn't really make for the kind of man that you want to have in your life it's
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inherited. It's not really built. It's by default. And the idea of inheritance is a really strange
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thing to build a friendship on. Loyalty is a very strange thing to build a friendship on.
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Loyalty is a virtue, by the way, but it's not going to serve you well because you never had
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to decide. You never had to actively engage whether or not this relationship was worth it.
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he was just kind of there and so the friendship never got tested and never got pushed and never
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got oppressed upon um never got proven and here's the trap of that is that the default guys
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they feel like old friends they feel like it's earned because they've just been around for a
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very long ass time it's the it's the quality over quantity conundrum it's actually a good
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way to say it i should coin that quality over quantity conundrum maybe somebody else has
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already said it but time isn't really the same thing as connection right you know i can i can
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spend 20 years I can log 20 years next to a guy who says he's a friend and actually know less
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about what actually what is actually going on inside of him then you might actually learn from
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a stranger in one very simple quick honest conversation we want depth and I'm going to
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talk about that in number four number five type friends but let's get to number three okay so
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number three is the clown okay every single one of you guys have a clown maybe you're the clown
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i don't know but every single one of you have a clown in the group it's the guy who makes
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that group chat like fun and interesting and you open it up and he's telling a stupid joke or
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you know telling him about his latest escapades or whatever it's the one who can you know take a
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take a boring or lame party or Tuesday evening or a poker night or whatever and turn it into
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something awesome. Just a really great night. And I want to be clear, this is not a knock on the
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clown. None of this is a knock on any of these individuals. I just want you to start thinking
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about the five types of friends that you have because that clown is valuable. Laughter and
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lightness and enjoyment, that's medicine in some ways to a man's soul. A man who can make you laugh
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when you're carrying something heavy or you've got a burden weighing yourself down is somebody
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that I think is doing some legitimate work, whether he knows it or not. But here's where
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I think it breaks down. Try to bring the clown into something heavy. Try to have a real conversation
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about your marriage or a real conversation about your financial situation or a real conversation
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about your goals and dreams and desires and ambitions and failures and fears and setbacks.
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You know, try telling him that your marriage is on the rocks. Try telling him that you got this
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crazy medical diagnosis and it wasn't good. You know, try calling him at midnight and see if he's
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going to answer the call. I think when the clown gets presented with that kind of reality, he
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flinches. He's going to deflect. He's going to make it silly. He's going to make a joke. He's
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not going to address the real situations. He's going to self-deprecate or he's going to mock
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you and tease you and poke at you a little bit, which is fine within reason, but he's going to
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go a little harder than he thought because the joke like the joke that he has is it would be
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like a carpenter who only has a set of crescent wrenches in his toolbox if you need a crescent
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wrench great call that guy but if you need 99.9999% of what you actually need in your life
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probably don't call the guy who only has a crescent wrench and that's what the clown is good for
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he's good for laughs he's good for lightheartedness he's good for just breaking down tension and
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enjoying and having fun he's not going to go deep he's all that guy is always absent of weight
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and a guy who only shows up for the light stuff who was never actually walking with you with the
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deep stuff. He was never walking next to you. He's never carrying your bag. That's fine. But
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you need to compartmentalize. That's not a man who is going to be in your corner when you need
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him the most. Which kind of leads me into the fourth and the fifth. And this is where I want
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you guys to start thinking about moving your relationships from one, two, and three to four
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and five so the fourth friend that a man has is is the casual okay this this is a little deceptive
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it's a little bit sneaky because it looks like a real relationship from the outside it's good
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conversations it's genuine laughs you know you like this guy he likes you you'd call him a friend
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without hesitation it's the guy that you talk with at the gym every couple of days or weeks it's the
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guy who maybe even in your, your office, who you spend some time with, or maybe you crack a beer
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with. It's, it's, it, it has a, it has a purpose. And I don't want to say that it doesn't, but it
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does. It does have a purpose. And the purpose for this individual is to be there, to be present,
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to, you know, have the type of conversations that you might want to have.
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It has some depth to it, but if you strip it all down, what's actually there?
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Some good times, a little bit of laughter, a little bit of depth.
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You know his job, but you don't maybe know what he's fearful of.
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You know what he does for work, but you don't know what he actually does.
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you know what opinions he has on sports and politics and the weather and all the small
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talk that we talked about last week but not what he's actually afraid of at 40 years old or 50
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years old or 60 years old that casual friendship that you have and this is where a lot of men
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reside you have a lot of guys in this category and you are this guy in a lot of men's categories
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he's pleasant right you go to church with him he's your he's your wife's husband or your wife's
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friend's husband or whatever and you enjoy him well enough but just being pleasant and being
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kind of on the fringes requires nothing from you it requires neither of you to do any difficult
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things. It's, there's no friction involved. It's free a little bit, but I think probably by design
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subconsciously or consciously, it's like, oh, this is a good friend of mine, but man,
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if the rubber meet the road, met the road, you would not, this isn't a guy that you'd rely on.
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And I don't think men really grow in what I would call friction-free spaces.
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Men grow when something or maybe even someone pushes back.
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I mean, I had a heated argument with two of my closest confidants and allies and friends in this movement earlier today.
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and not one of us, I mean, we might've been offended with each other, but not one of us
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decided like, well, this is not worth a friendship because it required hardship.
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It required me saying you're wrong and them saying, no, you're wrong. And we had a really
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spirited discussion and I loved it. I loved it. Okay. You can have a casual friend for 30 years
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and never once tell them that, that you're wrong. Okay. That's not friendship. That's just
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company or companionship, I don't really think that's friendship.
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Now, there's a fifth, and this is what I want you to be moving towards.
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So maybe there is a little bit of hierarchy in this. And this is what I call the 2 a.m. friend.
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Okay, it's the guy who, if I call, and I have a handful of them, I've got about four, maybe five
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men who i would call if i needed to at 2 a.m in the morning and i would say and i have and i'm
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not joking i would say i need you here in the morning and they would hear be here the next
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morning before noon these are guys who are on the opposite end of the country of me
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it doesn't matter the hour it doesn't matter the ask it's like that uh oh um ben afflack and i
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can't remember the hawk's name the actor who plays the hawk or hawkeye not the hawk hawkeye you can
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see how much i know about marvel or dc characters i don't give a shit but uh hawkeye i think you
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guys know who i'm talking about and ben affleck's character comes to him and says hey i need you to
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and i'm paraphrasing i need you to come with me you can't ask questions you can't uh ask what
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we're doing or what the consequences are and he and the guy says hawkeye says whose car are we
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taking that's the 2 a.m friend i could call about four or five guys and i could say hey i need you
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here by 7 a.m and four or five of them would respond i'll be there and by the way there's
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four or five guys in my life who said hey i need you here at 8 a.m i would say i'll be there any
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hints nope doesn't matter i'll be there you know if it's if it's bail money if it's if it's body in
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the trunk i'm there and he's there no questions no hesitation you know i'm planning a trip i'm
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going in august i'm going to uh train with vortex in wisconsin uh and then i'm going straight to
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maine and train with the origin guys for jiu-jitsu and i told my buddy this and he's like don't you
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have a scout in maine you need to pick up like yeah i do he's like cool go pick it up we'll do
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a cross-country road trip you and me like hell yeah that's a 2 a.m friend he's the closest of
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the five to something real because he's proven under pressure it's not it's not convenient it's
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not expedient. It's not something that is easy. It's something that is difficult and
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crisis and challenge. This is one of the first men that I called when I was going through
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my divorce. And through character, mine and his, he's shown what he's capable of. He's
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shown that he wants to be in my corner. And I want to be in his corner. If he had things
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going on I'd be in his corner too but even this one has a bit of a ceiling right it has a it has
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it has a limitation it has a cap a lot of a lot of those 2 a.m friends exist only in the crisis
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so drive four hours to help you or to bury that body like I was talking about and then go another
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eight months without a single real conversation about how he's actually doing. And that's not on
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him. That's on you. See, he's built for emergency, but he was not built for the everyday. Or at least
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he wasn't trained for the everyday. And that's on you. And I would suggest to you that every
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conversation about all of the five friends that you have are predicated on your ability to create
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those and you might say well i don't have any friends well how friendly are you well i don't
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have anybody i can call it 2 a.m does anybody have in their rolodex because i'm an old man
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have you listed as their top five contacts if no then what right do you think you have
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to be on theirs okay your life is never going to know
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who the ordinary ones are, who the convenient ones are,
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who the clowns are, you actually have to go out and do something.
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And if there's something that underlies all that we talk about,
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it's the responsibility that you have to do something.
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can your kids be jerks yeah so can mine can your boss be an asshole yeah so can mine I don't really
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have a boss but when I did can your wife be just a pile of crap to you yeah and my ex-wife was to
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me sometimes and i was the same to her can the economy be shitty yeah again can your can your
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job go bankrupt regardless of the good that you've done to build that company yeah it can
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but there is something that you have control on of it's your effort it's your attitude it's the
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way that you engage with the world and so here's the here's the truth about this when it comes to
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the five friends whether again it's the convenient or it's the default or it's the clown or it's the
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casual or it's the 2 a.m the five friends that you have they all kind of can serve a purpose
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but here's the reality is that it requires you to put forth effort and what i want you to do as a
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man, is I want you to move from the types of friends that we've been talking about,
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the five friendships that we've been covering. And I want you to move over to
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number four and number five, the casual, okay, and the 2am friend. But that requires not them,
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but you. Can you set boundaries? Can you communicate effectively? Can you dive a little
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deeper? Can you have real conversations? And you'll find out quickly. If I asked
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my friends, all of my so-called friends, if I asked them, hey, what's your biggest fear?
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It's called the Pareto principle. 20% of them would answer with a genuine response.
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The other 80% would be spiders and snakes. It's fine. I don't need to convince you
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to be one way or the other, but you're part of the 80.
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So if I ask 100 friends, what's your biggest fear?
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and significant in the world i'm really afraid of of failing my children i'm really afraid of
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the financial hardship regarding getting ahead in society and culture that we live in those are the
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20 when i listen to that i'm like boom you're in this category you afraid of spiders are in that
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court category look i don't like spiders or snakes either but if you ask me what i'm afraid of i'm
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not going to tell you spiders or snakes i'll just squash them what i'm afraid of is not being
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significant what i'm afraid of is not giving my kids the tools they need what i'm afraid of is
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trying this business this movement and everybody saying you shouldn't do that it's stupid it's dumb
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and then it flopping and floundering around that's what i'm really afraid of and the guys who are
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afraid of that are the guys like you and all it takes is you asking that question you have to ask
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those questions yourself you have to take risk you have to put yourself in awkward conversations
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because the reality is is you'll say hey what are you afraid of i'm afraid of failure and some guys
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will be like oh failure is stupid you should be afraid of spiders that's not your guy that is not
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your guy. He can be afraid of spiders. That's fine. But he
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ain't going to be with you. You know what you're afraid of.
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Where you maybe didn't flinch, but you just kept going. You know.
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You know when you're being a coward. You know
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when you're being weak and soft and pathetic.
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and there are 20% of men who know that about you too
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and it's not going to fix itself by adding a sixth guy into the group chat
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three of them are just a product of circumstance
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those are the kind that you can build on purpose
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the 2 a.m higher tier and that means going first guys that means saying something true and honest
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and frustrating and challenging and scary and embarrassing maybe even to show that you're in
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this before that guy even does it it's showing up in his ordinary tuesday not just a crisis
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it's letting him see that before you're sure it's it's even safe to be sane or safe to be
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That's the whole game. That's the whole game of friendship.
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You've got to stop counting the guys you went to high school with.
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Those guys don't count unless it's been intentional.
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You've got to stop counting the people that you work with.
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somebody else set that up for you. You didn't set that up. Somebody else did that.
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Real friendships are one that you set up. And by the way, proximity is not bad. This is what
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I was saying. None of these friendships that you have are inherently bad. I'm not saying that at
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all. I'm just saying that if you don't take it a step further, then you'll never know if these
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are real individuals who can be part of your team. Are these the guys who are actually going
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carry the weight again it's the convenient it's the default it's the clown it's the casual
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so guys if you want to connect with more of what we're doing if you want to find friendships
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and connections that might turn into 2 a.m friends and go from
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either the casual or the default and move then into the 2am friends join us in the iron council
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i mean we've got thousand a thousand plus guys in the iron council right now and we've had over
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10 000 men go through the program and i'll tell you that these guys understand what a 2am friend
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is they understand how to turn the default into the standard the expectation and we can show you
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how to do that so if you're lacking in your friendships be a little bit more intentional
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and part of that starts with our exclusive brotherhood the iron council head to order
00:27:54.900
of man.com iron council you can learn a little bit more and then on august 12th we're actually
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doing a preview call where we talk about these concepts and more in depth. And I want you to be
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there for that. So check it out, order of man.com slash iron council. Or if you want to jump on the
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preview call, head to the iron council.com slash preview, and we'll get you all synced up. But guys,
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again, there's, there's five types of friends. There's the convenient only after himself. There's
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the default, the guy you went to high school with. There's the clown. He jokes around and messes
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around, no depth. There's the casual. You can have good conversations, but it doesn't go deep.
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And there's the 2 a.m. friend who you could call any hour, any day, any time, and they would be
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there for you in a heartbeat. I want more of that for you. I want more of that for myself.
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And if you found any value in this, then go to orderofman.com, share it far and wide,
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Take a screenshot on your phone right now, share that as well, and we'll continue to put out what I hope is good information that serves you well.
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All right, guys, we'll be back next week for our interview.
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Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be,
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we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.