Order of Man - What Self-Care for Men Actually Looks Like ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You didn't get lost in the moment.

00:00:02.080 You got lost in a bunch of moments

00:00:04.040 because you decided, or maybe not even decided,

00:00:08.260 you just didn't have a code.

00:00:09.740 Mike Pence years ago, Vice President Pence,

00:00:12.080 got reamed for this.

00:00:13.540 Oh, I can't believe he would do it.

00:00:15.280 Why?

00:00:15.700 Because he's being respectful to his wife?

00:00:18.880 Guys, have a code.

00:00:20.560 Code for the way you show up with your wife. 0.86

00:00:22.440 Code for the way you show up with your kids. 0.60

00:00:24.140 Code for the way you show up for yourself.

00:00:26.020 Code for what you do when it gets hard.

00:00:27.620 Code for what you do when you're bored.

00:00:30.000 Have a code

00:00:30.820 Hey guys, welcome back to another friday field notes for the order of man podcast if you're just joining us for the first time

00:00:39.560 Uh, this is one of three shows that we put out every single week

00:00:43.180 And my goal is to give you information that'll serve you. That's the bottom line

00:00:47.560 Uh, we've been doing this for a very long time. We've been doing it for almost 12 years now

00:00:52.780 before it was cool before it was

00:00:55.200 in vogue to talk about masculinity and manliness and i can't help but be excited about what um

00:01:02.320 what we've been able to see in the movement to reclaim and restore masculinity which is something

00:01:08.140 i feel like with with a level of humility that we've really spent a lot of time cultivating

00:01:14.440 building and to see how popular it's become and frankly at times a little misguided is interesting

00:01:21.100 to say the least so my goal here is to give you like i said the tools and resources that you need

00:01:27.240 to thrive and win and specifically today i wanted to talk about in the wake of everything that we

00:01:33.700 see going on in culture i think there's a growing sentiment against men again i was talking with my

00:01:41.680 guest earlier this week ian went if you haven't listened go back and listen but we were talking

00:01:46.200 about how when I started this almost 12 years ago, I felt similar sentiments of just a general

00:01:55.080 disdain and not quite hostility, but dismissal and disdain towards men and masculinity.

00:02:03.060 And then over the course of the preceding three, four, five years, I really started to see that

00:02:10.020 turnaround and unfortunately what i've seen and part of this i think is exacerbated by the

00:02:17.660 conversations that men are having um that the the manosphere has exacerbated

00:02:25.620 have have created this new wave of not just dismissal and disdain for men

00:02:32.960 but downright hostility towards men from the whole would you rather meet a bear or a man in

00:02:41.060 the woods which is completely ridiculous obviously on his face um to uh this this whole thing with

00:02:49.960 lindsey clancy about how her husband patrick did it and he's the villain when clearly she 0.76

00:02:56.480 killed her three children now we can debate whether or not she was criminally responsible

00:03:01.640 based on her mental state but he didn't do that uh to even the the big fiasco that we see with

00:03:08.880 the cornell case from both men and women getting drunk being getting drunk being promiscuous

00:03:15.680 engaging in moral depravity uh changing stories making false accusations changing the whole act

00:03:23.520 it's crazy it's wild and oh and then you see this thing with shane gillis you know he was talking he

00:03:29.080 made a joke uh and people say well it wasn't in good taste yeah i know because he's a comedian

00:03:35.900 and throughout history we have given comedians a hall pass if you will to say you're allowed to

00:03:45.000 say racist things you're allowed to say controversial things you're allowed to say

00:03:50.020 sexist things because we need a vent we need a venting mechanism and there's truth in every joke

00:03:56.260 if if there's not truth in a joke then it's not funny so there's truth in every joke but

00:04:02.920 all of a sudden because shane gillis makes a joke about how women are dressing much more

00:04:11.240 immodestly and i'm using a softer verbiage than he did than they were in the past 0.74

00:04:17.160 that that somehow he he's he's wrong about that or that somehow men are predators this is rape

00:04:25.200 culture. Like this is the kind of stuff that's just insane. And I can't help but think that maybe, 0.73

00:04:34.000 maybe, just maybe we are not the greatest ambassadors for ourselves. I mean, that's

00:04:42.080 the reality of it. Unfortunately, the men who are doing the best work, the ones who are engaged at

00:04:50.000 home, the ones who are putting their head down and going to work, the ones that are loving on

00:04:53.180 their wives and their kids, the ones that are living up to the ideals of our motto,

00:04:57.460 protect, provide, and preside are generally the ones who aren't speaking out. They're not on

00:05:01.800 social media. They're not engaged in cultural debates and the debacles that we see all the

00:05:06.780 time. And for some of these things that I mentioned to you. And so what it creates is, um,

00:05:12.560 assumptions. And what we generally do is we tend to, when we make assumptions, I've never had,

00:05:17.920 say it this way i've never had a an assumption made about me that was favorable anytime somebody

00:05:29.200 makes an assumption about me or anybody else it's always less than favorable it's always less than

00:05:35.200 what it actually is so we need to do a better job being ambassadors for ourselves on behalf of

00:05:41.700 ourselves as men and really talk about the real value that we provide to the world people often

00:05:47.100 say oh if men didn't rule the world to be a safer place which of course is not true if men didn't

00:05:52.960 rule the world then we live in everybody would be in in blissful you know peace that's that's not

00:05:59.900 true but these are the cases that people make against us because what they see is and i think

00:06:06.680 it's perpetuated by the media it's perpetuated by politicians who want to control and subjugate

00:06:11.680 both men and women, will prop up and advocate for false narratives around how horrible men are.

00:06:21.200 And we need to prove these people wrong. And the best way to prove those people wrong is to be an

00:06:26.440 advocate for yourself, to lead yourself well, and then to, at that point, lead your family.

00:06:31.320 It's all about the locus of control. So your first locus of control is yourself. And then it's the

00:06:38.280 people in your house and then it's the people in your community and then it's your clients and

00:06:43.120 then it's your neighborhood and then it's your state and then it's your country so we need to

00:06:48.640 focus on the smallest or the lowest common denominator as they'd say in math and the

00:06:53.700 lowest common denominator is you but what we typically hear is from from men on social media

00:07:00.220 is like oh you self-care self-care self-care self-help self-care you just got to do the work

00:07:05.540 do the work. What does that even mean? Do the work, do the work on yourself.

00:07:10.820 What they're trying to do is they're trying to hide it behind a course or a program or

00:07:14.120 an event or whatever else. And they're telling you to do the work, but they won't tell you what

00:07:18.460 the work is. So today I want to tell you what exactly the work is. And this is going to be a

00:07:24.420 two-part Friday field note. So I'm going to tell you what self-care for men looks like. And then

00:07:30.040 next week, I'm going to tell you what self-care for men does not look like. So I'm going to give 0.88

00:07:34.680 you the solution first, and then I'll show you where you might see some problems in the lives

00:07:40.100 of the men who are in your life and in, in yourself, hopefully. So you can focus on that

00:07:44.580 lowest common denominator. And what I'd like you to do is to, to take one or two, not all of these

00:07:52.840 things, but one or two of these things that I'm going to talk with you about today and work on

00:07:59.680 them every day, every day. And you might say, Ryan, 10 things every day. Yeah. 10 things every

00:08:05.320 day, because I promise you, I can find 10 things that you're doing today that you can cut out and

00:08:12.020 replace with these. I was joking with the guys in our brotherhood. I'm going to talk a little

00:08:17.100 bit about that later today, uh, about you turning a five minute number two in the bathroom into a

00:08:26.040 30 minute doom scroll session on Instagram. Well, there you go. I just recouped 25 minutes of your

00:08:32.840 time or running to the grocery store when you don't need to, or the convenience store, which

00:08:38.260 I'm guilty of just as much as anybody else, probably more so to go get a, a, a water or

00:08:43.920 red bull. It's like, okay, I don't, I don't need to do that. I don't need to waste that money. I

00:08:47.300 don't need to waste that time. I have way more important things to worry about. So I promise you

00:08:51.780 I can find time in the day of you doing 10 things that you're wasting time on that you

00:08:58.500 could be better appropriately applying that time and energy and resources towards these

00:09:02.960 things.

00:09:03.580 So let's get into it.

00:09:05.460 Number one, the most important, is it the most important?

00:09:09.060 I don't know.

00:09:09.380 I'm going to try to back up and use correct verbiage.

00:09:11.800 I don't know if it's the most important thing.

00:09:13.720 These aren't in any order.

00:09:14.880 But one thing I would tell you is you have to wake up with intention.

00:09:18.460 okay this this is self-care at its core waking up with intention because the things that you

00:09:26.780 as a man care about get your attention right if you care about chasing a woman around that

00:09:34.560 you're interested in she will get your attention if you're interested in building wealth and

00:09:40.860 securing enough money to buy a new car that will get your attention if you want to get

00:09:46.340 20-inch biceps in a six-pack, that will get your attention. But if you're not deliberate about how

00:09:56.780 you spend your time and your energy and your resources, then you're not actually giving

00:10:02.100 yourself the attention that you deserve. And look, I'm not telling you that it should be at the

00:10:07.060 expense of other people. It should be at the expense of other responsibilities and duties

00:10:11.660 and obligations you have. Of course it shouldn't. But again, I can carve out an hour, maybe even two

00:10:18.640 or three hours a day that you're wasting that you could apply to these things. And if you're not

00:10:22.700 waking up with intention, knowing I'm going to accomplish this, I'm going to do these things,

00:10:28.080 I'm going to achieve this, I'm going to knock out this to-do list. Here's how my day is going.

00:10:33.100 Here's how my calendar will work. Here's the things that are going to get my attention and

00:10:36.480 energy, then what are you doing? That's not self-care. That's the antithesis of it.

00:10:45.380 So guys, every single day, wake up. And I don't care if you use a notepad. I use a lot of different

00:10:49.920 systems. I use sticky notes. I use an app on my, or not, yeah, the notes app on my phone where I

00:10:55.640 just, if I'm out and about, I'm like, write that down. We have a battle planning app that we created

00:11:01.140 and developed that we use. I've got a battle planning log. I've got my Google calendar. I've

00:11:06.680 got so many different ways to track what I'm going to be doing on a daily basis that there really

00:11:11.500 isn't a minute that goes by in my life where I don't know what I'm doing. That's self-care

00:11:16.480 because again, the things you care about get your attention. So if you want to learn more about what

00:11:23.660 you might be able to use, maybe I'll do a deeper dive into this. But if you go to orderofman.com

00:11:29.220 slash TWBP, as in 12-week battle plan, orderofman.com slash TWBP. You can download

00:11:39.460 some free resources. You can pick up a copy of our digital, excuse me, our analog, our written

00:11:45.660 version of the battle planning tool, or our digital app as well. But guys, first thing,

00:11:52.760 wake up with intention, know what you're going to do. Okay. Number two, every day,

00:11:58.460 you have to train your mind, body, and soul. So very simply, I'm not going to get really deep on

00:12:03.700 this because I don't want to make it complicated. I was talking with my friend Ian the other day

00:12:08.520 and he said, you know, people complicate things so they have an excuse not to do it.

00:12:12.440 So I'm not going to complicate anything. Train your mind, your body, and soul. So how do you do

00:12:16.800 that? Okay. Your mind, the best thing that you can do is read things and expose yourself to

00:12:24.620 information that you don't have access to right now. And then critically think about it. So pick

00:12:30.660 up a book you normally wouldn't pick up. Listen to a podcast you normally wouldn't listen to.

00:12:35.920 Jump online and follow an account that maybe is antithetical to what your current worldview is.

00:12:41.820 But embrace, not embrace it, but at least entertain it, right? What about this is true?

00:12:48.300 What about it isn't true? Think about it deeply. Spend time researching, developing, coming up with ideas on things that are important to you. That's the mind. Next is the body. Just go move. I'm not going to tell you you should do CrossFit or strength training or endurance running or jujitsu. I have my own personal preferences. They're my preferences. A lot of guys resonate with it.

00:13:11.360 I do strength training and I do jujitsu. That's, that's what I enjoy. And a lot of guys will be

00:13:17.760 like, well, you need to really run and do cardio. Sure. Whatever. Okay, fine. But I'm not going to

00:13:23.100 do cardio. Or if I do it, I'm going to do it for two days and be bothered about it and never do it

00:13:27.220 again. So what do I do instead? The things I enjoy that are going to make me healthier.

00:13:32.700 This morning at the gym, had a good hour and 20 minute train. Did a, did a, did a pull movement

00:13:40.920 day. So I'm doing pull-ups and rows and lat pull-downs and things like this. And then I spent

00:13:47.540 15 minutes in the sauna and I talked with a guy there that I've met in the sauna, as weird as

00:13:54.480 that sounds. And we talked about the local football team and that was good. That was good for my soul

00:14:00.400 actually, but also good for my body. And how do you train your soul? Read the Bible or whatever

00:14:07.320 your book is. Again, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but just read the Bible, pray to God

00:14:14.460 or whoever your God is. Um, my God's God, Jesus Christ. So I pray, I pray to God. I read the Bible

00:14:23.140 every single day. In fact, I have a goal to finish the Bible by the end of the year. So I'm on track

00:14:27.240 for that. Uh, and I, I try to embrace that, that faith element because it's good for my soul.

00:14:34.500 it's been a while since i've been to church i'm going to church this sunday i'm excited about that

00:14:38.800 looking forward to that and getting back into church so that's it like it's again it's not

00:14:43.480 complicated okay so the next thing and i talked about i talked about reading something like

00:14:54.040 reading reading a book or gaining new information that you may not have access to but what i would

00:14:58.140 say is read for application. Okay. Read for application. I've got books all over the place

00:15:04.240 behind the camera over there. I've got a hundred books. I've got books over there. I've got books

00:15:08.460 upstairs. I used to wear books around like a badge of honor. Like, Oh, I read 1700 books this year.

00:15:16.120 Cool. What'd you do about it? Nothing. Who cares then? It's just, you're just killing trees.

00:15:22.100 It's all you're doing. You're just killing trees. That's probably the best way to say it.

00:15:28.580 If you buy a book and you either don't read it or more importantly, don't apply it, you're just

00:15:35.240 killing trees for no reason. So don't do that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't kill trees to

00:15:42.280 build houses and have paper. I'm not that kind of person. But if you're going to buy a book,

00:15:50.360 read it for application. You don't need to read 1,700 books this year. You probably need to read

00:15:55.120 like five. Five books. Maybe even four. One per quarter. If you read one book per quarter and you

00:16:03.520 decided, hey, you know what? I'm going to implement this to the nth degree, you would be light years

00:16:08.660 ahead of the people who are like, I read 100 books per year. I don't care. I don't care about

00:16:14.860 your 100 books per year. What I care about is did you read three, four, five books and implement

00:16:20.000 what you learned, that's the most important thing. Read for application. And I can teach you some

00:16:26.260 other strategies on that. I always have a pen or a pencil. I always have a highlighter. I always

00:16:32.160 have sticky notes, a dog ear books. Like I really mess with books. There are some purists who say,

00:16:38.240 oh, you should never do that to a book. Books are a dime a dozen. It's not like we're dealing with

00:16:44.040 printing press from the 1800s anymore. I'll pick up a book and I'll tag it and I'll highlight it

00:16:50.420 and I'll write notes in the margin and I'll put sticky notes on it. And so what I do is anytime

00:16:56.440 that I see a passage or a sentence or a paragraph or even an entire page that I like, I keep reading,

00:17:04.020 but I highlight that and I dog ear it. And then I come back and maybe make a note or two in the

00:17:08.140 margin. And then after the book is done, I go back and I just reread. So I actually read the

00:17:15.700 book kind of twice in a way. I go back and I reread what is dog-eared, what is tagged,

00:17:24.580 what is highlighted, what has notes. And then I figure out where I can apply that through systems.

00:17:30.580 And I can talk more about that if you guys are interested. You just need to let me know.

00:17:33.580 but that's how I read a book. And it's been way more beneficial than just trying to like

00:17:38.220 burn through a thousand books at a time. And by the way, I think you should read a book there.

00:17:43.200 Look, I, I'm an audio book listener. If I'm at the gym, I'll have one earbud in typically

00:17:49.680 because I want to hear and see what's going on around me. I might listen to an audio book. I

00:17:54.680 might listen, listen to a podcast if I'm on, uh, on the road or if I'm in our brotherhood and we

00:18:00.360 have a book of the month. Like I'm going to listen to it primarily, but there's something about

00:18:05.780 reading it and listening does not count. I don't care what you say. Listening to it does not count

00:18:13.020 as much as sitting in a chair, getting a physical book out, having a highlighter and turning the

00:18:19.020 page of an actual book. So that's what I do. Number four, join a brotherhood. Guys, you've

00:18:26.180 got to be around other people, other men in particular. This is not a luxury. It's a

00:18:31.500 necessity. And the reason I say that is because the overwhelming majority of men who join our

00:18:37.300 brotherhood, it's called the Iron Council, they join when they're in despair. They join when

00:18:44.360 there's hardship. They're going through a divorce, a bankruptcy, a loss of a job, some sort of

00:18:49.260 hardship that they're dealing with. That's when they join. And they join because they're dealing

00:18:55.140 with something difficult. I'm not discounting that, but they're like, I need help now. I need

00:19:00.080 to figure this out now. Well, I'm here to tell you that if you actually utilize a brotherhood

00:19:05.540 properly, you won't get to the now. Okay. You won't drift the way that most men drift.

00:19:15.380 I mean, I've had so many conversations, half a dozen, at least over the past week with very

00:19:21.300 close friends who I met through the iron council, which is the program that we created.

00:19:26.680 And I talk with these guys every couple of days, had a conversation with a good friend. I was kind

00:19:31.580 of dealing with a, a little bit of a moral dilemma. And I called him up and I said, Hey man,

00:19:37.360 like I've got this little dilemma that's going on. I'm pretty sure I want to do this. Like I'm 99%

00:19:43.500 sure I'm, I'm going in this direction, but I just, I want, I want either some support or I want you

00:19:49.520 to play devil's advocate. I want you to give me the antithetical argument. And we had a really

00:19:55.960 good conversation. He's like, no, I don't have an argument. You sounds like you're doing the

00:19:59.900 right thing. And I, I did that thing without getting into details. I did that thing and it's

00:20:05.640 been good. It's been really good, but it's amazing how many men do not have even a single friend

00:20:13.420 that they could call. I had another friend, really close friend, hunted with him for eight

00:20:19.240 years now. He took me on one of my first hunts. He took my son, my oldest son with me on my oldest

00:20:27.680 son's first hunt, my second son on his first hunt, my third son on his first hunt. And unfortunately,

00:20:36.500 he recently lost his wife to cancer. I mean, it breaks my heart because we're so close, but

00:20:45.740 I called him half a dozen times every couple of days, two, three days,

00:20:50.860 just checking in on him, see how he's doing, seeing what's going on. And he sent me a message

00:20:56.240 when his beautiful bride passed and he said, Hey man, I just really appreciate you checking in on

00:21:00.320 me as often as you did. I love you. I really care about you. I'm glad you did that. It means a lot

00:21:04.520 to me. It's like simple stuff. And I messaged him back and I said, man, do you need me to come out?

00:21:11.760 I'll be there in six hours. I could be there in six hours. He lives in the Midwest. I can be there

00:21:16.940 in six hours. He said, no, I don't need you to come out. I got a lot of family and friends around

00:21:20.880 here. I don't need you to come out, but I'm really glad that you said you would. I would do that

00:21:24.820 for probably a dozen men. And there's probably a dozen men who would do that for me. Do you have

00:21:30.020 that? Do you? If not, you're heading towards the edge of the cliff and you might not even know it.

00:21:40.500 All right. Number five, track your budget, guys. People say money isn't the most important thing.

00:21:46.260 I agree. It's not the most important thing. But what money can afford you if you handle it

00:21:52.420 correctly is hear what hear me when I say that money might not be the most important thing but

00:22:01.040 what money can afford you is and I'm not talking about the newest boat I'm not talking about the

00:22:08.200 latest gadget and gizmo and technology I'm not talking about the latest gaming console or the

00:22:15.320 most state-of-the-art bow or rifle. It's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about

00:22:22.260 is time. Money can buy you time, and it can buy you experiences. The people in your life,

00:22:30.280 your wife, your significant other, your kids, your friends, your colleagues, your co-workers,

00:22:33.940 your clients, they want time, attention, energy, resources, experiences, and money can afford that

00:22:41.600 to them i i spent a a large part of my time last year in the spring or this i guess this year in

00:22:51.020 the spring uh watching my oldest son play lacrosse i bought a beautiful camera it cost

00:22:57.480 like a thousand bucks maybe not the best but good uh it was a used camera a friend of mine

00:23:05.240 offered it to us so yeah i got another discount but it still is it was expensive so i bought this

00:23:11.900 camera and i would leave work early and i would go to his lacrosse games and i would take pictures

00:23:18.000 i'm not a photographer it's not really all that appealing to me actually but i went out there

00:23:23.860 every single game and i took pictures because i wanted to see my son play lacrosse that's it

00:23:29.320 not even that it's not even that i wanted to see him play lacrosse is that i just wanted to be

00:23:34.140 close to him my two oldest boys played that year this year i just wanted to be close i wanted them

00:23:42.040 to know that i cared about them i took uh the afternoon off yesterday and most of the day

00:23:51.420 actually and i spent time with a friend ian i just did a podcast with him it released a couple days

00:23:56.320 ago on tuesday and we did a podcast and then we went and shot bows we went and had lunch we went

00:24:03.320 worked out together. And then later that evening, we went and had dinner together. And that was a

00:24:09.100 full day of investing in a guy. I could have been spending time, I don't know, working on sales

00:24:19.500 funnels or answering email. I could have done a lot of other things, but I spent it with him

00:24:25.540 because that was valuable to me. So that goes to point number four, but it also goes to point

00:24:29.540 number five, if I don't have the financial means to do that, I'm going to miss out on all of those

00:24:34.200 opportunities. And when I went to dinner last night, I went to dinner with him and he brought

00:24:38.900 a friend and I met his friend and we connected and we're going to hang out later this week.

00:24:44.880 It's awesome, but it takes money to do it. And if you don't know where your income is coming in,

00:24:50.820 and if you don't know where all your money is going out, I promise you're getting raked over

00:24:54.820 the coals. I mean, you probably have three, four, five, $600 worth of reoccurring expenses every

00:25:02.180 single month that you're using a fraction of, but you're paying $500 a month every single month.

00:25:09.020 That's $6,000 a year. $6,000 a year. If you made 0% interest on that, you'd have $60,000 in 10

00:25:21.220 years, which would be maybe a deposit on a home or, or, or buying a new vehicle because yours is,

00:25:28.880 you know, defunct. But then you start adding interest to that. And now all of a sudden you're

00:25:33.820 looking at 200,000, 300,000, four, if you do it correctly, that's significant, but you need to

00:25:42.660 every single day track where your money's coming in and where it's going out, limit what's going

00:25:47.420 out on unnecessary things and figure out a way to make more money all right number six i kind of

00:25:54.780 alluded to this be present in the home when you're home be home that's it guys i've learned that

00:26:01.740 lesson the hard way you don't need to be on your phone people are like i need my phone you didn't

00:26:06.520 need your phone 15 years ago 20 years ago all of a sudden you need it today why to communicate with

00:26:13.040 people you don't like to communicate with people you'd never talk with otherwise to get all the

00:26:17.360 gossip and the news and the nonsense about all of these trials i was talking about earlier the

00:26:22.780 or a comedian's heaven forbid making a distasteful joke that that's what you're going to spend your

00:26:28.700 time on when you could actually spend your time playing catch with your son watching your daughter

00:26:35.840 rehearse or dance recital in front of you cuddling on the couch and watching hocus pocus because we're

00:26:41.240 in in october now

00:26:43.500 i i never met or heard of somebody who at the end of their life said i really wish i would have

00:26:53.200 uh just you know worked a little harder it doesn't happen so be present in your home

00:27:00.840 okay number number what am i on number seven own your mistakes 1.00

00:27:05.860 accept accept it embrace it you know like you mess up you you fall short you you you do dumb 0.99

00:27:12.960 things. It's okay. You're going to make mistakes. And in that case, just own the mistake that you 0.96

00:27:19.020 made, live up to it, admit it, fix it, correct it quickly, and move on with your life.

00:27:26.720 Number eight is to accept and acknowledge your emotions. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be

00:27:34.500 sad. It's okay to be fearful. It's okay to have grief. It's okay to have guilt and shame and

00:27:41.360 sorrow. There's no bad emotion. There's no emotion that's bad. People say that, oh, you should never

00:27:46.080 be angry. Why? I can think of a ton of things to be angry about right now. Oh, you should never

00:27:53.460 have any guilt or shame about who you are. Why? I can think of all sorts of shameful behavior that

00:28:00.780 I've engaged in. Why should I not experience that? Now, what we do with it matters, right?

00:28:06.680 So if I use guilt and shame to self-destruct, or I use it to be depressed or have suicidal ideation, or if I use my anger to go over to that wall and punch a hole in the wall, or worse, hit somebody else, abuse somebody else, yeah, that's an improper expression of anger.

00:28:26.600 It's not that I should not have been angry.

00:28:28.520 It's that I expressed it incorrectly.

00:28:31.400 So sit with it.

00:28:32.480 Own it.

00:28:32.940 Why am I mad?

00:28:33.820 Why am I feeling guilt?

00:28:35.080 Why am I feeling shame?

00:28:36.500 Why am I feeling sorrow? This is the hardest work that so many men need to do that they just won't do. You'll go to the gym and you'll bust your tail at the gym, but you won't sit and just think about all the bad things that you've done with yourself.

00:28:52.220 you'll go out and do a spartan race you go out and do jujitsu you'll go out and and talk about

00:29:00.820 taking on the enemy but you won't just sit there and think about how horrible you may have been

00:29:06.340 to the people that you love most that's the hardest thing that i've ever had to do and it's

00:29:12.000 something i wrestle with every day and it's something that you should wrestle with you should

00:29:15.580 wrestle with that. Not to beat yourself up, but to say, okay, I'm human. This is the shadow work

00:29:22.780 that Carl Jung talks about. People say, oh, just do shadow work. What does that mean? That's what

00:29:27.340 it means. I'm an imperfect human being. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I get

00:29:35.480 sad. Sometimes I'm impatient. Sometimes I beat myself up. Sometimes I'm too hard on the people

00:29:41.360 I love. This is part of who I am. So how can I express that better in a more healthy way so that

00:29:48.740 people in my life know that I love them, that I want the best for them, and that I might just be

00:29:55.640 somewhat inadequate in teaching them that. I got two more for you today. Okay. So stick with me.

00:30:02.920 um live by a standard and you gotta have a standard now you know i talk with guys every

00:30:12.360 just about every day that have been unfaithful they've stepped out on their wives i'm using

00:30:17.600 this as an example and they'll say things like well i just got lost in the moment i just got

00:30:22.240 caught up in the moment uh no no you didn't you got caught up in a lot of moments the secretary

00:30:31.300 or the the colleague that you cheated on your wife with it wasn't like you you saw her one

00:30:38.900 night and then you just went in the closet and made out with her like that's not how it happens

00:30:42.640 the way it happens is you flirt with her and and then there's a little some touching going on you

00:30:50.320 know casual like hard to read type touching and then it becomes a little bit more overtly sexual

00:30:56.840 and then there's an opportunity where you're working late and she's working late and lo and

00:31:02.860 behold everybody's clothes come off and you know what happens then you didn't get lost in the

00:31:09.260 moment you got lost in a bunch of moments because you decided or maybe not even decided you just

00:31:17.020 didn't have a code i don't do this i remember years ago when i was doing a lot of networking

00:31:22.820 in my financial planning practice, 0.91

00:31:25.100 there were women that I would network with. 1.00

00:31:27.800 They were real estate agents, attorneys, CPAs, 1.00

00:31:30.660 financial advisors.

00:31:31.620 I would network with them.

00:31:33.180 And there were opportunities where I could go to lunch 0.97

00:31:35.260 or dinner with these ladies.

00:31:38.520 And I just, I made a rule.

00:31:40.520 I'm not doing that.

00:31:41.800 Like I'll go to lunch with you,

00:31:43.020 but there's going to be somebody else there.

00:31:44.500 I'm never going to lunch with somebody, 1.00

00:31:46.640 a member of the opposite sex one-on-one 1.00

00:31:49.580 in a professional setting.

00:31:52.820 Mike Pence years ago, Vice President Pence got reamed for this. Oh, I can't believe he would. Why? Because he's being respectful to his wife because he's being respectful to the woman that he's networking with.

00:32:08.260 And then now you have this thing where you talk about the Cornell case that we were talking about earlier and how men are predators and horrible and everything else.

00:32:16.620 Yeah, five years ago you were talking about how evil Pence was and how misogynistic he was because he made the decision that I'm not going to go on a lunch date, a professional lunch date, with a woman who's not my wife.

00:32:32.940 and all these people who are crying about this cornell stuff and who are crying about how

00:32:40.500 predatory men are with this shane gillis stuff we're talking about they were the same people

00:32:46.560 who were wailing and gnashing their teeth when penn said i don't i don't go on dates with women

00:32:52.740 of the opposite sex even if it's professional guys have a code code for the way you show up

00:33:00.820 with your wife, code for the way you show up with your kids, code for the way you show up for 0.99

00:33:04.180 yourself, code for what you do when it gets hard, code for what you do when you're bored.

00:33:09.740 Have a code. And if you can make those decisions now and ingrain and etch that into your soul,

00:33:15.280 your psyche, your DNA, they're going to be less likely to make dumb decisions

00:33:18.880 and get quote unquote lost in the moment. And then the last thing I'm going to share with you

00:33:24.820 guys today is to do difficult things with purpose i say with purpose because it would be difficult

00:33:32.400 for me to go there's a concrete wall behind me it would be difficult for me to go bang my head

00:33:37.720 against the wall 100 times today on that concrete wall that would be difficult uh but there's no

00:33:45.100 purpose to it other than give myself a concussion i'm not interested in doing that but when you wake

00:33:52.660 up, number one, with intention, do it with purpose. I'm going to go bust my tail at the gym

00:33:58.940 today. I spent, like I said, an hour, 15, hour and 20 at the gym. It was hard. I sweat. I work

00:34:04.980 hard. It wasn't like comfortable. I was pushing myself, but it was with purpose. It makes me

00:34:12.100 better and stronger. Everything that you do should be done with purpose and it should be

00:34:18.840 difficult with purpose again you cannot distinguish the two you can't have purpose without difficulty

00:34:24.460 purpose without difficulty does not exist you're if you if you think it does you're just

00:34:31.160 you're deluding yourself it's just comfort disguised as purpose if you really have purpose

00:34:39.220 in your life it's going to be hard and conversely difficulty does not come without purpose otherwise 1.00

00:34:45.540 you're just banging your head against the wall and that's stupid don't be stupid like actually 1.00

00:34:49.900 do something that means something so that's my 10 list for how men can have self-care for themselves 1.00

00:34:56.620 um again wake up with intention train your mind your body and your soul read with with application

00:35:06.420 at heart with the idea of implementing things join a join a brotherhood

00:35:11.100 okay um what else oh track your budget talked about tracking your expenses your income and the

00:35:19.900 fact that money can afford you experiences and things that are important be present in the home

00:35:24.860 own your mistakes when you make them process the emotions that you're dealing with live by a

00:35:31.560 standard and a code and do difficult things with purpose i hope that helps part two next week

00:35:36.140 will be what self-care does not look like so what i want you to do is i just want you to pick

00:35:40.620 two things, two things out of that. Maybe it's training your body. Okay. I'm committed to the

00:35:47.380 end of the year. That's what I'm challenging you right now. To the end of the year, I'm going to

00:35:50.380 train my body or I'm going to be present in the home. At least until the end of the year, I'm going

00:35:55.060 to be fully present or I'm going to track my budget. Whatever it is, pick two things, get after

00:35:59.900 it and make it happen. If you want to have more conversations like this, guys, more training,

00:36:05.740 more experiences, more conversations, more accountability, join our exclusive brotherhood,

00:36:11.840 the iron council. I mean, we're doing big things over there. We're going to talk tomorrow

00:36:17.840 specifically about how to map out your day and make the most of your day. I'm actually dealing

00:36:22.640 with one of the busiest days I've had in a very long time today. And it's going awesome because

00:36:27.880 I know how to plan the day and be effective and efficient. So check it out. Go to order of man.com

00:36:32.480 iron council make sure you subscribe please leave a rating and review if you haven't done that yet

00:36:38.460 just go in to apple or spotify or pandora or iheart radio or youtube or whatever and just

00:36:44.440 leave a comment leave a rating review let people know what you're doing um the people who mostly

00:36:50.000 leave comments a lot of them are really good because we built a great community but there's 1.00

00:36:54.080 a lot of like nonsense people like your podcast studio looks stupid you're dumb i hate your beard 1.00

00:37:01.280 those are the people who make comments let's instead have the people who make comments are 1.00

00:37:08.140 like hey your studio looks great hey i appreciate that oh i tried what you said it worked oh thank

00:37:14.920 you for sharing this thing thank you for introducing me to somebody else that's the

00:37:19.900 kind of comments that we should make when we rally behind a movement and that's the kind of man of

00:37:24.280 value that i think you want to become because you're listening to this and it's the kind of

00:37:27.580 man of value i want to become anyways guys we'll be back next week i've got andy stump joining us

00:37:33.280 on the podcast so make sure you subscribe on youtube or spotify twitter instagram i don't

00:37:38.460 you can't even subscribe on those places but wherever you're connected just make sure you

00:37:41.720 subscribe whatever that means andy stump's coming on next week to talk about his latest book

00:37:46.320 talk about jujitsu talk about his his seal experience and uh yeah got a lot of good

00:37:53.280 podcast coming up so check it out uh until then we'll be uh we'll be back on tuesday but go out

00:37:59.160 there take action and become the man you are meant to be thank you for listening to the order of man

00:38:04.720 podcast you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be

00:38:09.500 we invite you to join the order at order of man.com

Order of Man - October 16, 2026

What Self-Care for Men Actually Looks Like ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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