Tate Speech - May 12, 2017


S2 E19 - ROAD TRIP PART 5 - Aloe Vera Dream

Hosted by
Andrew Tate Tristan Tate
Mentioned
Chris Lambo Dragonstead Segways Matalan Aston
S2 E18 - ROAD TRIP PART 4 - Budapest S2 E20 - ROAD TRIP PART 6 - The Border

Episode Stats


Length

8 minutes

Words per minute

157.53

Word count

1,276

Sentence count

118


Transcript

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Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Thank you.
00:00:28.000 Do you know how the guy who invented the Segway died?
00:00:30.000 No.
00:00:30.000 He was demonstrating the stopping power of a Segway when off a cliff.
00:00:33.000 I don't know if that's completely true.
00:00:35.000 I don't know where that knowledge is coming from.
00:00:36.000 It might have been a rumor.
00:00:37.000 But I'm pretty sure the guy who invented the Segway died trying to prove how great the Segway was.
00:00:41.000 And if that's the case, then Segways are allowed to exist.
00:00:43.000 Because the cunt who brought them into the world paid the price.
00:00:45.000 We need to Google that.
00:00:57.000 Yeah, because you can't drive like me.
00:01:04.000 Because there's only space for your own car in the capture movement.
00:01:15.000 The Lambo's faster, and everyone.
00:01:17.000 When they see these two cars together, everyone goes, oh, the Lambo, the Lambo, and discredits the Aston.
00:01:21.000 And the Aston's proper, comfortable, luxurious, and it sounds better.
00:01:26.000 The Lambo's better because it's as fast.
00:01:28.000 But besides the speed, it's fucking uncomfortable.
00:01:33.000 I mean, I know you don't buy it.
00:01:34.000 When I went to buy it, the guy said to me, It's not comfortable, it's not practical, but that's not why you buy a Lambo.
00:01:38.000 And he's right.
00:01:40.000 You can't even go for speed bumps.
00:01:43.000 The Lambo's a diva.
00:01:44.000 It's hard to drive, and you've got to be careful with the road, and it hurts your back.
00:01:49.000 But for some reason, you still love it.
00:01:50.000 It's one of those things.
00:02:12.000 Look at that bug's face and tell me he's not certified.
00:02:17.000 That's a fucking gangster pig.
00:02:23.000 What did you say?
00:02:25.000 Don't move the bug again.
00:02:41.000 Funny mode of transport, but neither bus nor train, but it's all That is an insane amount of money.
00:03:01.000 25 grand.
00:03:03.000 I mean, I'm a millionaire pretty much everywhere, but only in Hungary am I a billionaire.
00:03:08.000 That is a true guzzler.
00:03:11.000 So whenever I'm in Slovakia or Hungary, I drink these because the first time I came to Slovakia, I had one at a petrol station.
00:03:20.000 And they're like a drink with chunks of aloe vera in it.
00:03:23.000 And this must have been about 9-10 years ago.
00:03:27.000 And now I've seen these a few times in corner shops and stuff.
00:03:30.000 But back then, nowhere england had drinks with aloe vera in it, so I was only like 21, 22, and obviously I was broke as a joke.
00:03:37.000 I wanted to get rich, so I thought, Fuck it, I'm gonna import these drinks and I'm gonna sell them in England.
00:03:43.000 I'm gonna be a sole supplier and I'm gonna get rich.
00:03:47.000 So I found a contact in Hungary who could provide them to me for like I don't know how much they were 38p or something.
00:03:55.000 I wanted to sell them for about a pound.
00:03:58.000 So then I started contacting all the superstores.
00:04:00.000 I was watching Dragonstead about getting distribution, I thought, This is hard.
00:04:03.000 I emailed Morrison's, emailed Waitrose, started emailing him every day saying I had some revolutionary new health drink that was guaranteed with all these bullshit results, da-da-da.
00:04:13.000 And I promised them 100% markup on it.
00:04:16.000 So I told them they'd buy it for 50p, so I'd make 12p per bottle, and they'd sell it for a pound, 100% markup.
00:04:23.000 Made it out like I was a real company.
00:04:25.000 I'm 22.
00:04:26.000 I was running away with all these people.
00:04:29.000 Eventually I get an email back from Tesco saying, because everyone ignores you, because everyone's trying to get their stuff into superstores, and they completely ignore you.
00:04:37.000 Got an email back from tesco saying, I'm away from my, as you know, I've now left the business and my replacement is Mr. Chris.
00:04:44.000 Chris something is coming in to replace me.
00:04:46.000 So I waited a couple days and I emailed Chris and said, Hi, Chris, we need to speak urgently.
00:04:51.000 Your predecessor and I were one step away from achieving distribution, pretending I'd spoke to the previous guy who left, who never responded to me ever.
00:05:00.000 So then Chris emails me, like, Oh, okay, you better come down there.
00:05:05.000 So it was in Chesn, Hertfordshire.
00:05:07.000 The Tesco head office.
00:05:09.000 And I started a normal job back then, so I arranged a meeting at like 5 30.
00:05:14.000 Finished work an hour early.
00:05:16.000 Walked into Tesco, fucking head office in my Matalan suit with four or five bottles of this shit, which I brought in a backpack.
00:05:25.000 Sat down there, let him test it all.
00:05:26.000 Gave him my pitch about health benefits, 100% bonus, and all this bollocks.
00:05:30.000 He gave me a piece of paper saying how Tesco accept distribution, saying like it needs to come X amount of bottles per crane.
00:05:39.000 X amount of crates per container, like just all this expensive distribution shit.
00:05:45.000 So, anyway, he said he'd get back to me.
00:05:47.000 So, I fucking leave there excited as fuck.
00:05:49.000 Call up my guy in Hungary, says, I need it in this many bottles per crate, this many crates per container.
00:05:56.000 I need to be able to deliver this many containers per fucking week to Tesco stores, London, all this bollocks.
00:06:01.000 My man in Hungary goes, Okay, I can make this happen.
00:06:06.000 It's going to cost this much.
00:06:07.000 So, I'm wondering.
00:06:09.000 And Chris emails me and says, we need to talk about your drink.
00:06:13.000 Are you free to come in again?
00:06:14.000 I was like, yeah, of course.
00:06:16.000 Anyway, in the meantime, the guy from Hungary says, it's going to take me six months to turn around preparing your distribution.
00:06:23.000 I said, oh, no, it can't be six months.
00:06:24.000 No, no.
00:06:25.000 Tesco want it now.
00:06:26.000 Tesco want it now.
00:06:26.000 He goes, well, I need some money to begin doing this.
00:06:30.000 It's going to cost some money, so you need to pay me some money.
00:06:33.000 You want like two grand.
00:06:35.000 And I had no money.
00:06:36.000 I had my month's wages, about 1,600 quid.
00:06:39.000 Came the next day.
00:06:41.000 So I remember borrowing 500 pound and my month's wages and sending it to Hungary.
00:06:45.000 Two grand.
00:06:47.000 The day before my big meeting with Tesco so this guy could begin fucking pissing around with crates.
00:06:52.000 Taking my last 100 pound to last me the month.
00:06:54.000 Now I'm 500 quid in debt as well.
00:06:56.000 Filling up with petrol, putting on my Matalan suit.
00:06:58.000 Walking in there, sitting down with this Chris guy who was fat as fuck.
00:07:03.000 I don't know what.
00:07:03.000 Of course he was in charge of choosing the food.
00:07:05.000 Fat cunt.
00:07:06.000 And he's literally, the meeting lasted 30 seconds.
00:07:08.000 He said, I'm sorry that my predecessor gave you the impression we were going to stock your product.
00:07:12.000 Personally, I find it repulsive.
00:07:16.000 And that was it.
00:07:17.000 That was the end of my aloe vera dream.
00:07:19.000 He never emailed me back again.
00:07:21.000 None of the other superstars ever emailed me.
00:07:24.000 I kept emailing, we've got different flavors.
00:07:26.000 Wasn't interested.
00:07:28.000 Completely blanked me.
00:07:29.000 Everyone blanked me.
00:07:29.000 The Hungarian guy took two grand of my money, and I was more poor than ever.
00:07:34.000 So now when I drive through the continent in my Lambo, I enjoy an aloe vera dream.
00:07:39.000 Personally, I find it repulsive.
00:07:41.000 I remember sitting there thinking in my head, that was unknowable.
00:07:43.000 He was unnecessarily rude.
00:07:45.000 He was unnecessarily rude to me because he thought he was important.
00:07:49.000 I'm the fat dude who chooses Tesco's food.
00:07:51.000 Cut.
00:07:52.000 Bet he ain't got a fucking Lambo.
00:07:54.000 I might, you know, I might scroll through my email and fucking find it somewhere in the depths and send him a picture of me outside my Lambo drinking an aloe vera drink.
00:08:03.000 Surrounded by aloe vera drink.
00:08:04.000 Surrounded by aloe vera drink of big booty hose.