The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - DOOMSDAY PREPPING Ft. Whitney Cummings

00:00:00.000 Ontario. The wait is over. The gold standard of online casinos has arrived. Golden Nugget

00:00:06.000 Online Casino is live, bringing Vegas-style excitement and a world-class gaming experience

00:00:11.040 right to your fingertips. Whether you're a seasoned player or just starting, signing up is

00:00:15.820 fast and simple. And in just a few clicks, you can have access to our exclusive library of the

00:00:21.120 best slots and top-tier table games. Make the most of your downtime with unbeatable promotions

00:00:26.420 and jackpots that can turn any mundane moment into a golden opportunity at Golden Nugget Online Casino.

00:00:33.100 Take a spin on the slots, challenge yourself at the tables, or join a live dealer game to feel the

00:00:37.920 thrill of real-time action, all from the comfort of your own devices. Why settle for less when you

00:00:43.140 can go for the gold at Golden Nugget Online Casino? Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario,

00:00:49.300 1-866-531-2600. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply.

00:00:55.980 See GoldenNuggetCasino.com for details. Please play responsibly.

00:00:59.980 Oh, you can't joke about anything. I'm like, yeah, you can.

00:01:02.440 You're just making fun of men, and then they pay money to watch MMA and watch men beat the

00:01:05.960 shit out of each other. You're like, you love watching men get beat up and made fun. What

00:01:09.320 are you doing? Oh, but when I do it, it's so... It's just you're pretty. Just tell me if you're

00:01:12.880 pretty. Just say it. You're in love with me. You're obsessed with me.

00:01:15.720 Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the

00:01:25.940 comment section show starring me, your fave. Everybody knows me. Nobody gives a shit about

00:01:29.840 me. Anyways, on to the amazing guest. Today, we have the hilarious, the talented, the iconic

00:01:35.460 Whitney Cummings. Welcome to the show. Everybody cares about you. I do. This is... Okay, this

00:01:43.180 is my... I drove here, so I hope... But they... I do think that people tune into other people's

00:01:48.660 podcasts with their guests to see what the guest brings out and the person they love.

00:01:52.940 Oh, that's sweet. Do you know what I'm saying? I appreciate that. They're not here for me

00:01:55.560 right now. You'd be surprised. Some people are like, hey, go ahead and bring another guest

00:02:00.040 on that I want to see. I don't know. I'm like, okay. Sorry. They don't give a shit about me

00:02:03.880 anymore, girl. Okay. Well, I do love who I can bring on. But just so you know, I am so awkward

00:02:08.080 as a guest on podcasts, so this will... Let's just... Let's get right into it. We'll get through

00:02:11.940 it. We'll muscle through it together. I am very starstruck by you. Are you really? Yeah. I am by

00:02:16.660 you. Agree. I've loved... I've loved stand-up for so, so, so, so long, and obviously,

00:02:21.840 you're alleged in the game. And you're literally someone I used to look forward to watching on the

00:02:27.540 panels of roasts, like, for celebrities. Yes. You were, like, one of my faves. Oh, gosh. Thank

00:02:33.440 you. Oh, my gosh. You would. So, I brought the roast back to OnlyFans TV. There's no porn. There's

00:02:38.720 no buttholes. Don't panic. It was just, like, we did the roast. Sorry. OnlyFans. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

00:02:42.960 My bad. And so, you got to do one of them. If we do another one. I'd be honored. We just did. We did

00:02:49.640 one of me, and we did one of Bert Kreischer. Oh, God. You've got to come on. That would

00:02:53.080 be amazing. Like, what would be your dream celebrity to roast? Ooh. I don't know. It

00:02:58.840 has to be a man. For sure. It has to be a man. Okay. But I think, like, one that's, like,

00:03:02.580 universally loved that I don't really understand. Tom Hanks. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, bring him

00:03:08.860 forward. I have a lot to say about Tom Hanks. Joe Biden. It's, like, I don't know. It'd have

00:03:14.100 to be. So, you're saying someone universally beloved. Yeah. That I'm just, I don't get.

00:03:19.100 Don't get. Yeah. Which is giving me, okay, I love this game. Yeah. I love the game of,

00:03:24.300 like, why does everybody sweat this person, and I don't get it. Yeah. Ryan Gosling. Let's

00:03:28.700 go. Are his lips really skinny and his face kind of crooked? I don't know. Probably. You

00:03:35.500 and me both, girl. Skinny lips is a no-go for this guy. Does he not have the skinniest lips

00:03:40.180 for no reason? Oh, girl. For no reason. Now I'm really gonna look. And then his mouth

00:03:44.880 when he smiles is a little bit, like, it's twisted. I feel it. I feel it. When I look

00:03:49.520 at Ryan Gosling, I twist my, I, you know how dogs, when they're listening, they tilt their

00:03:54.080 head? Their ears perk up a little bit. I feel like I have to tilt my head. When you ask them

00:03:57.400 a question, they kind of, like, I feel that. Are you a big Halloween person? I love Halloween.

00:04:01.460 Yeah, I bet. What's your, what did you do last year? Last year, I had a few costumes. I was,

00:04:05.960 like, I was Yzma from Emperor's New Groove. Okay. Because my boyfriend was

00:04:10.160 Cronk and my sister was Cusco. And then, um, I was, uh, Troye Sivan in his music video,

00:04:18.540 like, what's the name of the song, Dave? One of the girls? One of the girls where he was,

00:04:22.540 like, he was in drag for the first time. So. Okay. I was Troye Sivan as a woman. Okay.

00:04:26.660 Um, and then my boyfriend was Ross Lynch. And then the last one we did was, do you remember

00:04:31.020 the show American Gladiators? Yes. I was an American Gladiator. Wait, there was a documentary

00:04:35.480 about this recently. Yes. Yes. I watched it. So did you watch the first round of American

00:04:40.000 Gladiators? Because I don't remember it. I, I used to watch it on TV as reruns because

00:04:43.560 it used to run in the early nineties. I was born in 95. And so my boyfriend and I and

00:04:48.100 my family, we used to watch it as reruns on TV. Who was the one that you went as?

00:04:52.100 I went as Zap, right? I was as, I was Zap. She was a contestant. My sister was like one

00:04:59.260 of the normal people that competes against us. Is this your sister and your mom? Yes.

00:05:02.980 This is my sister. Were you a big Halloween family? Yeah. We love Halloween. And my boyfriend

00:05:07.360 was laser. Okay. So like we just had the costumes made and the big eighties hair. And then we,

00:05:13.360 I bought the little like blow up things where you hit each other off the podiums. I like these

00:05:17.880 costumes. I do feel like Halloween is an opportunity for women to just dress as whores. Yeah.

00:05:22.620 And which I also support. Godspeed. Do what you got to do. It's just, it's like my friends

00:05:27.500 that are like paralegals or like, I'm like, you can't post this photo on your Instagram. Like you

00:05:32.980 have, like we're adults now. Like we can't do this anymore. It's like when you see like,

00:05:37.280 like a girl in just like a camo bikini and I'm like, what? So what are you? And she's like,

00:05:41.640 I'm a soldier. I'm like, I don't know. She's like, I don't know, dude, this feels disrespectful.

00:05:49.380 I don't know, dude. Is this how we celebrate the troops out here? It's also, it's like Halloween

00:05:54.220 is in October. It was designed to not be slutty. Yeah. It's literally in the winter. It's like

00:05:59.860 every year I'm like, what am I? Am I, am I a polar bear? Am I an Eskimo? Like handmade? I've

00:06:04.200 been a handmade every year. Cause it's like, I get to wear a cape and like sweat. Yeah. Something

00:06:08.220 real comfy. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I feel like even when I was younger, I'm like, I'm cool with a,

00:06:13.180 with a slutty costume. I love a slutty costume, but it has to be cool. Like I want it to be like,

00:06:17.300 to make sense, like to be unique or clever or whatever. So I have a few ideas already cooking for this.

00:06:23.440 Okay. For a year. Okay. So you're my guys like this. He'll start thinking about Halloween. Like

00:06:28.940 the, and it'll be like, it'll be like here, the options for this year's Halloween. Okay. I'll go

00:06:34.900 as this and the other one I'll do next year. It's like a couple of years are scheduled out. Pre-planned.

00:06:40.740 Do you know what I mean? So you're already thinking about next year for Halloween. I have, well,

00:06:44.640 this year I have two costumes already planned for this year, but, but you can't, is this like,

00:06:49.580 it's a secret spoiler alert. I've just never been like a huge Halloween person. Like I would like

00:06:59.240 to be, I had a house growing up that was like, no one came to get candy. It was just in a weird

00:07:03.860 place. So I just got burned so many times, like dressing up to try to give. Now you're spiteful

00:07:08.380 and then I got a house out in LA again, end of the cul-de-sac. No one came. And so I dressed up

00:07:14.180 as super girl one year. Oh, that's cute. The costume was too small. I did look like a whore

00:07:18.720 by accident. It was a children's, but I was like, I put like sweatpants underneath it.

00:07:23.840 And then no kids came to my house and I had all this, I had like full candy bars,

00:07:28.200 butterfingers, the full size. That actually happened to me last year. And I do live at the

00:07:32.100 end of a cul-de-sac. And they wouldn't skip my house because there was like a little gate. So I

00:07:35.900 started like running after them and being like, Hey you guys. And what I realized is you can't chase

00:07:40.020 kids. Yeah. Not with candy. Yeah. So I got in my white van and I started, you just can't run

00:07:48.260 after kids that aren't your kids. Yeah. I bought a bunch of candy bags and nobody came. It's really,

00:07:54.620 I know. But I also think too, the neighborhood I live in, well, first of all, I'm kind of on a

00:07:58.240 hill. So I feel like none of those kids are, I'm not walking up that. So you're baiting kids

00:08:01.600 for them to fall off. I'm like motivating them. I'm like, you get a good workout. Then at the top,

00:08:06.320 I reward you. What's your, what candy do you give kids? This tells me everything. I know

00:08:10.520 need to know about a person. And yes, I'm about to ask you your favorite girl scout cookie.

00:08:14.480 I have, I did the full size candy bars too, but I got the mixed box. So I had like Reese's Twix,

00:08:18.880 Snickers. If there was a Mounds bar in there, I'm leaving. No, I don't like that. Okay. Good.

00:08:23.000 And then I got a big mixed bag too of smaller candies. And then I did, I also get fruity ones too.

00:08:28.140 So like Starburst Skittles. Oh, there you go. I just heard Skittles are outlawed though.

00:08:32.460 Oh, you're right. Yeah. I did hear about that too. Oh, so you were giving outlawed.

00:08:36.100 Maybe that's why they skip my house. Contraband candy. I'm like, Oh, I give you candy with lead.

00:08:39.980 All of a sudden I'm a bad guy. All of a sudden. I mean, everything we did as children, like our,

00:08:45.100 I mean, your mom's here. You, did you put baby powder on her?

00:08:50.560 Okay. Like I am just realizing that baby powder had like arsenic in it and like all kinds of stuff.

00:08:56.560 It's fucking insane. Cause I just had a kid and like my baby registry or whatever. I like put stuff

00:09:01.280 on it that like we had around the house when I was a kid and everyone's like, that's illegal now.

00:09:05.340 I'm like, what do you mean? You can't get lawn darts for someone for their baby shower?

00:09:09.420 I know. Everyone's so sensitive. Easy bake ovens catch on fire. I didn't know that. But yeah,

00:09:14.280 we used to just put baby powder all over ourselves. I guess there was a huge lawsuit. You owed some

00:09:18.460 money if you guys want to jump in on the lawsuit. Well, that explains a lot. Yeah. You have cancer.

00:09:23.580 I'm here to tell you. That explains a lot for me personally. And you said favorite Girl Scout cookie.

00:09:28.440 Favorite Girl Scout cookie. Mine. I think it's, I like the Samoas. Yep. Number one.

00:09:33.220 Those are the best ones. If someone ever has a different answer, I just will call the police.

00:09:37.120 I'm like, ow. That's naturally what I do. The thin mints are good, but only when they're cold. Like

00:09:41.840 I like when they're in the fridge. That's it. I put them in the fridge and then you put them on ice cream.

00:09:45.060 Girl, it's so good. The older I get, like, I just feel like we meet so many people and you have to be

00:09:48.880 able to weed out your people, your tribe very quickly. Do you know what I mean? Got to sense the vibe.

00:09:53.940 Don't you feel like a lot of people like want to meet you and talk to you?

00:09:56.860 Especially now. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, do you want to go for a hike? And you're like, oh, God.

00:10:01.860 Oh, my God. I know. My sister. My sister's single, but she's a lesbian. And she was telling me the other

00:10:07.240 day, she was saying, like, why does everybody lie about hiking? I still love hiking. First of all,

00:10:13.480 how long have you been a lesbian? A while? Like eight years. Eight years. Okay. I tried to be a

00:10:18.500 lesbian. It didn't take. Oh, it was too many voice memos. It was like a wild amount of talking. But I do feel

00:10:25.840 like when people ask you on a hike, I always feel like it means they're sober. Yeah. Oh,

00:10:29.840 that's a good point. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or they want to push you off. If a guy asks you

00:10:33.380 on a hike, don't go. That's what Ted Bundy did. Dude, hiking and exercise and well, first of all,

00:10:40.300 hiking. I have like a mean, mean, mean beef with hiking. I just don't fucking get it. Like,

00:10:45.300 I'm like, I don't want to walk and sweat. Like, that's not my idea of a good time. Well,

00:10:48.520 because you know, there's this new thing where guys like there's like this whole like online thing of

00:10:52.580 like, because girls are so good at makeup now and contouring and stuff or like makeup tutorials,

00:10:56.760 take her swimming on the first date. I'm like, yeah, let's get in a cold tub and let's see.

00:11:01.940 Yeah. I would love to see you swimming, dude. Yeah. But it's like, I'd also, you know what I mean?

00:11:09.480 A lot of things change on a man too in the water, but they conveniently leave out. But yes, I do think

00:11:14.660 it's like, there's a lot of that, like put her through an obstacle course. I'm like, I'm not

00:11:19.800 auditioning for American Ninja Warrior. So I'm not doing that personally, but like whenever we,

00:11:24.400 uh, every mother's day, I've made this joke before every single mother's day, my dad goes,

00:11:29.660 he'll text us in a group chat. He's like, Hey, like, what do we want to do for your mom? And we

00:11:33.540 talk about it. And he always goes, I think we should go on a hike. I go, you're going to do this

00:11:37.540 bit every year. Aren't you? She doesn't want to fucking hike. None of us do. In fact, I'm going to kick

00:11:41.840 you out of this group chat. If you suggest a hike one more time every year, I'm not kidding. He's like,

00:11:46.000 what about a hike? Nobody wants to go on a fucking hike. But is that because she's a lesbian, your

00:11:50.040 sister? No, she hates hiking more than I do. Oh, okay. That's why she hates hiking more than I,

00:11:55.360 that's why she was saying, why does everyone lie about loving hiking? I don't like hiking. Is that

00:11:58.120 a big thing on the apps or something or like dating? Hiking and working, they're like, I need a gym

00:12:03.960 buddy. Then go get a friend. That's so sad. Go get a friend. Is that just a lesbian thing? No, that's an

00:12:10.180 everyone thing. I think like everyone dating. There's a new thing now where everyone has to be like an

00:12:14.740 athlete, like a high performer. Everyone's like got it. What's going on? In ketosis. Everyone just

00:12:20.780 smells like everyone's just eating like only meat. It's like a nightmare. It's horrible. And my

00:12:26.960 boyfriend is a, is a certified trainer. Like my boyfriend was a trainer for a long time. Oh God. So your

00:12:30.520 fridge is just all protein powder. No girl, it's not. That's why I'm with it. Oh, he's a trainer.

00:12:37.000 Yeah. He's a trainer. He was a trainer for a long time. And now he just does this with, he's like an

00:12:41.380 online person now too like me, but he is not like that, which is why it works between us. I can't

00:12:48.780 handle that shit. Like I just, it's too much. But is he in like wild shape? Yeah. He's in really good

00:12:53.380 shape. Yeah. He's in really good shape. So you're shallow. Let's talk about it. Hey, that does he

00:13:00.540 work out a lot still? Yeah. Oh wow. He still does. But my point being when we go to the gym, sometimes

00:13:05.460 people are like, Oh, you guys, you guys work out at the gym together. Fuck. No. I tell him to get the

00:13:09.760 hell away from me at the gym. The way he works out, I was like, I like myself personally.

00:13:14.120 I don't need to do that. This is pretty demons. Working out is so sexual. I mean, the machines

00:13:21.480 are just like, you're just like, I can't make eye contact. Don't look at me. Just nobody

00:13:27.120 look at me. Let's just get through this. Well, that's why like when, whenever I worked, I have

00:13:32.000 worked out with him maybe twice in the seven years we've been together. Um, both times it's

00:13:36.980 awful. It's horrible. And we end up fighting. So it never works at the gym. Yeah. Over what

00:13:40.860 he asked you to hold the camera. Not even sometimes like one time he was just training

00:13:45.380 me and, um, I got annoyed. Cause I'm like, don't tell me what to do. Like, what are we

00:13:51.920 doing? You're going to tell me what to do. He's like, well, he was just like Kegels.

00:13:56.300 Like, wait, I thought we were working. He would be like, Oh, like, like, no, you got to put

00:14:00.140 your knee on. I'm like, I know how to do it. I don't. He's just been putting you in

00:14:04.220 reverse cowgirl. He's like teaching it. I was like, wait, if anything, that would have

00:14:07.840 been funny, but no, he was like actually trying to train me. I'm like, I thought this was

00:14:11.000 a bit. He was just, I like now that when guys do anything nice that we are just like, get

00:14:15.120 the fuck away from me. He's like, I'm just trying to make sure you don't get injured.

00:14:17.900 You're like, you're mansplaining me. He's like, Jesus Christ. I was like, I don't want

00:14:22.560 to listen to you. Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. Okay. Yeah. It's like, you're going to roll

00:14:26.000 your ankle, but I just don't want to drive you to the ER. That's just me being a fucking

00:14:30.800 annoying, but like now he'll write me workouts and he just gives them to me and I go do them

00:14:34.560 by myself. Yeah. I don't need you there. See, I'm kind of done being a feminist. I want

00:14:39.660 a guy to just tell me everything to do. I did. We had a good run. I did the girl boss

00:14:43.440 thing. I proved myself. And now I'm just like, can you open the door? I don't want to do

00:14:48.960 anything. You say that now. And then as soon as you start, someone starts telling you what

00:14:52.640 to do all of a sudden. It's hot. I hate that. There's a point where it starts to get

00:14:55.780 hot. After you've had a lot of employees and you're like, can someone just fucking

00:14:59.180 make a decision without me? That I do get. Yeah. Oh, what I was going to say was one

00:15:04.100 of the things I truly feel like the embodiment of what misogynists believe women to be like,

00:15:11.600 like the most idiotic, stupid bitch alive is when it has to do with my car. Like any having

00:15:17.020 to, anything having to do with the auto shop mechanic. Well, a car is a she also that too.

00:15:22.780 So that gets boats and cars or she, I think that's why men hate women because they associate

00:15:29.660 us with things like breakdown costs a lot of money. Yeah. One flight attendant I had on jet

00:15:35.980 blue. It was a jet blue flight. And he, first of all, was in love with my boyfriend, which

00:15:40.080 most straight men are. That's how I knew. Cause like most straight men, like when they see

00:15:43.980 my boyfriend, they're like, like they have to talk to him. Like they have to, they have

00:15:48.800 to make a lot of conversation. So he talked to him that whole fucking flight. And I was

00:15:52.280 like, I turned my back, went to sleep at it. I'm not a part of this. And I, those, the things

00:15:57.740 he was saying, like as a flight, I just feel like there's a certain level I'm sure of professionalism

00:16:02.100 you keep in the air. Uh, he didn't have that at all. Like he was like, yeah, some fucking

00:16:07.780 bitch. Like he was like talking like that to my boyfriend and my, my boyfriend sitting

00:16:13.100 there and he's like, yeah, like, wow. So what is it? Your guy is just, cause he's so big

00:16:19.220 and, and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Like want to, they just have to talk

00:16:26.620 to him about literally anything having to do with him being big and strong. Got it. They're

00:16:31.380 like, Oh, you play sports. You play a lot of sports. Sure. And he lies every time he's

00:16:35.500 like, no. And they're like, you should, you should, I used to play. And then it, the older

00:16:39.680 I get, the more I think men have it hard. Do you know what I mean? Like this is a hot

00:16:45.600 take. I realized this is a very hot take, but like, imagine, I mean, it's like, we don't

00:16:50.920 like when men come up to us and are like, Hey, look at your, you know, but men go up to

00:16:54.760 other men and are like, Hey, so I mean, it's sexual harassment really. It is. It actually

00:16:59.880 is. Someone just wanting to talk to your guy about his body. It's, it is, it is, it is

00:17:04.000 literally, I'm not kidding. It's catcalling. It is. It actually is. He gets sexually objectified

00:17:08.520 by men far more than women. It's kind of fascinating. Yeah. It's, it's pretty weird.

00:17:14.900 And my dad is, is a big dude too. Like my dad's six, six. My dad's big, big Brown guy

00:17:19.040 too. So like he gets the same exact shit. If we go somewhere as a family game over, they

00:17:24.320 see the two of them. They're like, I don't even know like which one I want to talk to

00:17:27.820 first. There's something about it. Like we're wired to like, like at all times need to know

00:17:33.440 who to like follow if there's a fire. You know what I mean? So like that guy, I need

00:17:38.440 to make friends with that guy. In case like shit hits the fan. In case all the apocalypse

00:17:42.240 happens today. Like he's my guy. Yeah, totally. One of my friends, Caleb, he was like, Oh,

00:17:46.220 you're killing yourself. I'm not. He's like, I'm mobilizing. I'm getting all the gays, all

00:17:49.360 the lesbians. Uh huh. He's like, I'm taking over a clean water source and I'm starting a

00:17:53.520 village. And I'm the king. And I get to decide the dress code and Lady Gaga rule. Like I, I don't

00:18:00.440 want to go to this commune. I really don't like this. And everyone has to dress as Timothy

00:18:05.640 Chalamet from Wonka. Specifically in Wonka. Yeah. I feel like this gave Caleb was behind

00:18:11.480 all this. He was very controlling. Although I do know a lot of people that are in the

00:18:15.660 market for bunkers. Yeah, they are. Seems like really. Do you say preppers? Well, but

00:18:20.380 there's also like all the billionaires that like know more than we do. That's true.

00:18:24.560 Seem to be getting bunkers. Like Jeff Zuckerberg like has a bunker. I'm like, what is this

00:18:28.360 motherfucker? This dork? What is this fucking dork? No, that we don't know. Have you seen

00:18:34.700 that movie? Leave the world behind? No. No. It's like a more recent one. Is it Julie

00:18:39.440 Roberts? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I watched that one too. And that one was only spooky to

00:18:45.980 me because it, that felt more real. Like that felt more like the world would end. It was

00:18:50.720 like the grid went down or it was like a cyber terrorism. They take over everything. Nobody

00:18:55.920 can get ahold of each other at the internet doesn't work. Like my power was out for two

00:18:59.720 hours today and I almost blew my brains out. So I'm already, I've said that too about like

00:19:04.920 when, when they say like desert Island, like what are three things? Like if you get deserted

00:19:08.660 on the Island, what do you, what are you bringing? Right. I'm like, I'm bringing my phone. Um,

00:19:12.960 and a battery pack that doesn't need a cord and then a gun. Cause once my phone dies,

00:19:17.220 I'm killing myself. That's my plan personally. Have you ever not had your phone? I'm glad

00:19:22.320 you're not out there dating right now. Cause like all these like little small talk, like

00:19:27.480 flirty questions. Like, so what would you bring to a desert Island? You're like a phone,

00:19:31.480 a charger and a gun. Check please. And once my, once my battery pack dies, so do I. That's

00:19:37.960 how it works. Have you ever, your phone's like updating and you're like, what am I supposed

00:19:41.040 to do with my life? Just sit here and wait. Yeah. Be alone with your thoughts. Yeah. Can't

00:19:45.620 do that. Yeah. That's why I saw me apocalypse. Like if it's like the last of us type situation,

00:19:50.720 I'm absolutely killing myself. I'm not sticking around for that. Okay. But so let me ask you

00:19:55.020 a question. So you're obviously your job is to be online in a lot of ways, but do you find

00:19:59.760 yourself ever just like mindlessly scrolling and justifying and be like, no, I'm doing this

00:20:04.140 for work. And you're like, no, I'm just trying to get life over with. I'm just scroll. I'm just

00:20:08.600 got to like, I got to stop. Yeah, absolutely. Mine's a problem. I think, I think my job

00:20:13.680 being online has almost increased it worse because I'm also on it. Like all my work is

00:20:20.540 online and I also mindlessly. But yeah, they're muting people. Oh yeah. I meet people all the

00:20:25.080 time. Who'd you just mute? All right. Don't even remember to be honest. So when you mute someone

00:20:30.300 online, they, you remove them from your literally they're gone from my, but that do, I feel like

00:20:34.420 I've started muting my friends so I can keep liking them. Do you know what I mean? I feel

00:20:41.500 like that's fair. If you really like someone, you should mute them. Am I wrong? No, I mean,

00:20:47.660 I think that's valid. I think. And then also, so we have something to talk about. So it's

00:20:51.320 not just, I don't like recapping like, Hey, so I saw that you went to Barbados. I want

00:20:54.860 to be like, where were you last week? Yeah. And not know and have no idea. Yeah. Yeah.

00:20:58.420 And then if anyone calls their spouse, their best friend, I got it. I got to mute you.

00:21:03.820 It's not, it's not. What are we doing? I just can't. Are you that person? Are you like,

00:21:07.440 I'm just with my best friend. Is he your best friend? What? I don't honestly, I, sometimes

00:21:12.940 I think about that. He's one of them. I would say not my only one. Okay. My friends who are

00:21:18.460 drag Queens. Yeah. We've talked before. I've told them, I'm like, sometimes you see girls

00:21:21.760 who are like, Oh, gay people love me. If they say that they don't love you. I promise you

00:21:25.080 they don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then I'm like, why do you leave me alone? And they're

00:21:28.380 like, we love you. I'm like, get away. I'm going to do a hate crime. Get away. I'll

00:21:32.860 say the F word. I don't give a shit. You keep pissing me off. I still say that. When

00:21:38.760 we, uh, when I was joking around with one of my friends, I was telling him, I'm like,

00:21:42.340 you know, what's so funny is like, if you actually hung out with gay people, like gay

00:21:45.700 men, gay women, drag Queens, you would hate yourself. You would hate. They are the meanest

00:21:51.660 people alive. Oh my God. And I love it. I know. Yeah. I love it. It's like, cause

00:21:55.580 here's a, it's like gay men have recently in the last couple of years become way meaner

00:21:59.660 than straight men. It's kind of amazing. It's kind of amazing. And I always tell like my

00:22:06.260 guy friends that are like, Oh, why do you have so many like gay male friends or any like

00:22:09.620 straight guys that are homophobic? I'm like, no, no, no. Trust me. You want gay men in my

00:22:13.280 life. They keep me insecure. Yeah, exactly. That's the only reason I'm getting facials and

00:22:17.580 lasers. Like you'll fuck anything. I'm doing this so that my gay male friends don't say

00:22:23.120 that I'm slipping. I was like, you're an unreliable source. Yeah, totally. They keep me at Barry's

00:22:27.820 bootcamp. They got me working out every day. I got to check in with the girls. Yeah. They'll

00:22:31.700 tell me. Yeah. They're like, why is it like, where's your luminosity? Like they'll like grade

00:22:36.680 me on my luminosity. You know what I'm saying? So I know what do you say? I like this like

00:22:42.160 lesbian gang gang. Oh yeah, girl. I got, I got them on deck. You know what I mean?

00:22:46.820 My sister was, uh, she, at one point she was like, maybe, I don't know, maybe I'll, I'll

00:22:50.800 date men. It's so funny. Cause when we were at dinner once, uh, someone that was sitting

00:22:55.660 with us, she was telling me a story about how she got like, um, an unsolicited dick

00:22:59.660 pic all been there. And I was like, yikes. And she goes, do you want to see it? Of course

00:23:03.480 I do go ahead and show it to me. And she shows it to me. And it's one of the worst dick

00:23:08.340 pics I've ever seen. I've seen quite a few. It's truly, it's what it looked like. Um,

00:23:13.200 you know, when you take like, uh, transformation photos and you just kind of stand there with

00:23:17.120 a blank stare on your lip. That's what he looked like. It was horrible. His face was in

00:23:20.960 it? Yeah, girl. Wild. And it was in like, um, a mirror too, but I couldn't see the phone

00:23:26.840 anywhere. So I don't know if he propped it up. So it slipped around. Yeah. It's like self

00:23:29.320 timer. Okay. Oh, brutal, buddy. Yeah. And it was, he's pale and, oh, it's just unsettling.

00:23:35.200 Dick. I'm not traumatized by dick pics. I'm not traumatized by them. I just don't want

00:23:39.880 to see them. I, if I'm, if you're interested in someone though, it's the only way you can

00:23:44.920 see their apartment before cleaning. Yeah. I don't want to see your dick. I don't even

00:23:50.420 know. Yeah, exactly. I just want to know like, if that's a, is it like a washcloth? Are

00:23:53.960 we doing a loofah? It's always in the bathroom and you can get, yeah. And if I see like a

00:23:57.920 bath and body works in the back, you're like, you have a girlfriend. Like you can let it

00:24:00.880 figure out. Yeah, totally. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. So it's

00:24:05.060 like, you can get a lot of information. That's true. I feel it. You can use it

00:24:08.420 investigative. Yeah. I feel that. Yeah. She was showing me the picture and I was

00:24:11.800 like, that's a horrible thing. Like of him, tell him to use a filter or something,

00:24:16.460 girl. But is there such a thing as a good one? You know what I mean? No, never. But

00:24:20.380 that's just one of the worst. But I think they're onto it. I think they know now. I

00:24:23.400 think they know the angle to do. They've wised up. Right. It's like from up, like a top

00:24:27.180 angle down. Yeah. They know that we're onto them if their hands are small. Yeah. Do you know

00:24:33.680 what I mean? They know how to make their hands look bigger because that's the first thing

00:24:36.200 you have to do. You have to go, oh, well, is there if it looks big, maybe scale. Yeah.

00:24:40.220 That's exactly what it is. I think it was. Hold on. This is what you do if you can't figure

00:24:44.860 out how tall a guy is on their dating profile or girl. Fine. Yeah. Sorry. Is that if you

00:24:51.760 look on their dating app and they're standing next to like a historical like a statue, you

00:24:56.680 can then look up the statues height. Oh, yeah. I've seen I've seen some people on

00:25:02.080 TikTok doing like door frame measuring. Yeah, totally. The fridge. I can weirdly tell you

00:25:06.180 the height of most. I'm like, oh, Ben Franklin in Philly. Yeah. It's six foot one. A guy

00:25:11.920 tried to tell me. Yeah. That's one of my special skills, I think, is guessing men's height

00:25:16.500 specifically. Yeah. From nothing more than a picture. I can guess. I can smell it like

00:25:20.540 a drug dog. Like when you see him with like a fish or something, you're like, OK, that's

00:25:24.320 a bass in Cleveland. OK, I think let me just get into the local. I've told people before,

00:25:29.600 I'm like, whatever he tells you, especially online, if you've never seen him in person,

00:25:32.840 subtract two to three inches. Uh-huh. About dick size and height. My sister was like, I

00:25:37.920 want to see. What are you guys looking at? She didn't know what we were talking about.

00:25:40.420 And so she just showed her and she was like, oh, ew. And she goes, you're right. I am

00:25:44.820 a lesbian. We weren't talking about that. We weren't discussing that. Not even a little

00:25:48.520 bit. I was like, I'll send dick pics. Yeah. Your version of a dick pic. No, no. See, I

00:25:55.820 don't. I think it's different. I agree. I had a friend in college and she used to take

00:26:00.860 sometimes she would send nudes to her boyfriend and sometimes she would show them to me. And

00:26:04.600 honestly, they look beautiful. It looks like art. OK. It looks like George O'Keefe. Yeah.

00:26:09.000 But then when when men do it, it looks like a crime scene. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not a fan

00:26:13.720 of that. You know what I mean? I'm like, you took this in your house. It's so dark. Yeah.

00:26:17.360 I also don't. I also like a lot. I don't like a lot of grooming. So I think the things that

00:26:22.580 probably would make something photogenic or not. The things that I want to see IRL.

00:26:27.020 I feel you. Have you ever dated a guy that you like suspected was gay or was gay? Nothing? No.

00:26:34.080 I personally haven't had that problem, though. OK. I have. I have. I've had a feeling that they

00:26:40.660 had girlfriends. Oh, how do you know? Because I found out one of them had a girlfriend.

00:26:45.660 You know the way to do that? Put a bobby pin on the bedside table. They'll never notice it,

00:26:49.060 but the girl will. Period. Tell them. That's how that's how you let them know.

00:26:52.920 Just like a bobby pin. A guy won't even guys don't see bobby pins. They just don't pick

00:26:56.800 it up. Yeah. And they're at least straight guy. Yeah. And if you just put it on the side,

00:27:01.280 a girl will be like, what's this? And I'll be like, huh? Like, how did you find out?

00:27:06.400 She called me. OK. The girl the girl found she literally she jailbroke his iPad because he

00:27:13.340 had a bunch of passwords on everything. Uh huh. And then she found my name in there and she

00:27:18.220 had seen him texting someone with my name, but she thought I was a man. And he did he

00:27:23.460 have you programmed as something else? No, he just had my full name in there. That's wild.

00:27:27.160 And so she you're supposed to program it. It's like AT&T. Verizon. Grandma knew. Yeah.

00:27:33.440 That's because my name is associated with men more heavily than women. OK. So it said Drew.

00:27:38.400 So she thought it was a dude. Yeah. And she was like, oh, who's that? And he was like, oh,

00:27:42.120 it's my friend Drew. He never gendered me. He was just like, that's my friend. OK. And then I don't do

00:27:47.880 that shit with my friends. Yeah. No, no, no, no. We're not friends. Yeah. But so then what

00:27:51.700 should she say? She called me. She said, is this Drew? And I said, yeah. And then she I'm

00:27:56.360 not kidding. This is the exact. But it came from his number. She called me. She called me on her

00:28:00.380 own phone. She just took my number off his iPad. Oh, shit. And then she called me and then she said,

00:28:05.420 is this Drew? And I said, yeah. And she's like, this is Drew. And she said my off wallow. And I said,

00:28:10.760 yeah, your address. No, no, no. She just said my last name. Like, oh, I want to confirm that was me.

00:28:16.460 And I go, yeah, who's this? And then she started crying. And then she said, I fucking knew it,

00:28:21.340 bro. I fucking knew it. And she's crying. And that was it. And had you been like dating him,

00:28:26.320 dating him? I wouldn't call it dating. Whatever that was, I wouldn't call it dating. What is it

00:28:32.360 called when they never go out with you, but they always come over? Love. True love. Unconditional love.

00:28:41.620 Soulmate. Wait, call it when they refuse to be seen out in public with you. What do you know?

00:28:46.300 They don't want to share you with anyone else. They don't want anyone else to see you because

00:28:49.580 they're afraid you'll get taken. Wait, what? Okay. But did you have a suspicion?

00:28:55.820 Yeah, I did. Yeah. I had a feeling because he, well, the not wanting to ever meet me on public

00:29:00.160 thing was a big one. And then only ever wanting to come to my house, never going to his. That was

00:29:05.260 another one. Might have lived in his car. Fine. He's green. Not a big carbon footprint.

00:29:09.720 I can turn anything negative into a positive. It's kind of my superpower. I'm like, he's

00:29:14.620 married, not afraid of commitment. So that's good. Okay. Well, and then did you meet your

00:29:19.900 guy shortly thereafter? Yeah, he was right after. I do feel like sometimes when a relationship

00:29:24.460 goes sour or something's a really bad experience, whether it's the contrast or whether you're

00:29:28.960 just open or whether you're so hurt, you're not looking. Yeah. That's when your person comes

00:29:32.600 along. I agree. I couldn't agree more, honestly. My friends hate when I do this, but whenever

00:29:36.420 they go through a horrible breakup, I'm like, this means your soulmate's right around the

00:29:39.640 corner. And they're like, you know, but I do feel like that. Yeah. Or at least when

00:29:43.780 a great person comes along, you have something to compare them to and you don't take them

00:29:46.800 for granted or something. No, for sure. And that was, and he was, my boyfriend now was

00:29:51.060 right after that relationship. And then how did you two meet? We actually went to high school

00:29:55.440 together. Oh, cute. Yeah. We went to high school together. Um, we were not high school

00:29:59.960 sweethearts. I make sure to tell people that all the time. I was like, we did not date in

00:30:03.000 high school. Uh, we were like, cool. We were friends. Okay. Nothing more. That's

00:30:06.980 so cute. Then we would get like lunch, like once a year. Did your mom know? Did she, she

00:30:10.940 knew? Did you like know? She knew when we started dating. But like, did you know them

00:30:15.500 in high school? Yeah. Did you know him in high school? I feel like moms always know shit.

00:30:18.300 And they're like, I knew that. And you're like, well, could you have told me? You mean psychic

00:30:21.560 witch? He actually asked me to, he asked me to prom my, his senior year, my junior year.

00:30:26.480 And I said, no. So he likes it. Who did you go with? I, who did I go with? The worst person

00:30:33.380 alive. My junior year. I went with the worst. If I ever see that guy in person, I swear

00:30:37.440 to God, I say this all the time. I'm going to, I'm going to beat the shit out of him.

00:30:39.960 I hate that guy. He's the worst person alive. And I didn't know that before he, we went to

00:30:48.380 prom together. What happened? He he's just, well, first of all, a devout Mormon. So bad news.

00:30:55.780 I don't, I'm fine. I would like some help around the house. I think you need to think

00:31:01.540 this through. You want a doomsday prepper. Okay. Get a Mormon. All right. They love,

00:31:05.660 they love doomsday prepping. Really? Yeah. They know some shit. Oh yeah. Yeah. He was

00:31:10.120 a devout Mormon, which I didn't hate. Cause like my dad's, you're like, not one woman wants

00:31:15.540 to marry you too. Yeah. Yeah. Chill. Relax. Well, first of all, one of the things he told

00:31:20.560 me that I was like, Oh, was he was getting, we were texting each other, like trying to get

00:31:25.140 to know each other a little bit better. And then he told me that he'd only been to a beach

00:31:29.240 once in his life. And I was like, Oh, I mean like, that's cool. Whatever you're fucking high

00:31:34.020 school. So you're like, that's cool. Right. And then he told me, yeah, the one time I went

00:31:38.480 though, I had a bad experience and I said, why? And he said, um, I didn't know the salt water

00:31:42.660 or what, or I didn't know ocean water was salt water. So I drank a lot of it. Um, thinking

00:31:47.400 it was fresh water. And then I had to get my stomach pumped. Even if it was fresh water,

00:31:52.000 like, why were you drinking? I asked him that I said like, well, why were you drinking the

00:31:59.000 body of water that you're swimming in with strangers? I mean, that to me doesn't really

00:32:02.980 make any sense. Like, no, I just thought I was drinking piss. I thought it was normal

00:32:07.420 human piss. Like a normal person would. And I was like, Oh, okay. Well, all right. Don't

00:32:14.780 know how to guess. I got to speed past that. Cause I don't know what to do. Um, and then

00:32:19.100 when we would hang out, it was just, there was just so many things. Like one of the things

00:32:23.520 he asked me what my type was and I'm fucking 16. So I'm like, um, someone, you know, is

00:32:30.000 just like nice and funny. Like I'm trying not to know how oceans work. Someone who's well

00:32:35.320 aware that all oceans are salt water. Um, I think that bar is kind of low, but I was like,

00:32:40.680 I don't know, someone nice and funny, I guess. And I was like, what about you? And he

00:32:44.760 was like, Oh, I like short white girls with glasses. I don't know if you could tell by

00:32:48.840 looking at me, but I am neither short nor white. Um, I do wear glasses, but not all

00:32:54.020 the time. Okay. And literally I remember the whole time I was hanging out with him. I never

00:32:57.940 wore my glasses. Cause I didn't want him to know, like think that I was doing that to

00:33:01.880 make for him. Yeah. So walking into walls, just like fucked up vision the whole time we

00:33:07.360 hung out short white girls with glasses. How did that work out? He's now just with Greta

00:33:12.040 Thunberg. Just they're both. She's trying to save the ocean. He doesn't know how it works.

00:33:18.340 Perfect couple. The perfect couple. It's funny too, because he broke up with the girlfriend

00:33:22.860 that he had been with for like years to go to prom with me and then went back home and

00:33:28.320 then got back together with her. And now I think they're married and have kids. So I love

00:33:31.920 that for her. I love that for her. That's their journey. Not my problem, bitch. Sorry. Bye.

00:33:37.300 I wish you well. Not him, but like, I don't think in general prom is kind of a toxic tradition.

00:33:43.680 Oh, absolutely. As I look back, I'm kind of like, is that, so we spent all year like trying

00:33:47.380 to figure out who we were going to dry hump in front of our teachers. It's kind of an

00:33:53.160 insane thing. Yeah. Their proms were very like TV prom, I think from what he described to

00:33:59.540 me. And I was like, okay, well that's not how my school gets down. I just want you to

00:34:02.940 know. Like my school plays like the craziest music ever and people are, are humping and

00:34:09.060 sucking and fucking girl. Like, just like keep that in mind. And I was like, I literally

00:34:12.940 was prepping him. Yeah. Then when he saw it in person, like he was disgusted. So you ruined

00:34:19.520 his, he's not getting into heaven because of you. If I can't go, neither can he. I took

00:34:24.940 one down with me. You're welcome. He honestly, I, at one point, do I ask him if he wanted to

00:34:29.220 dance? And he was like, no. And he said, he was disgusted with me. And then he said,

00:34:35.100 um, that goes against God. And I go, well, you can ask for forgiveness tomorrow because

00:34:39.320 it was a Saturday. I thought that was funny. Um, and he literally looked at me and went,

00:34:43.380 that's not funny. Tough room. My bad. Tough. You know what else God did?

00:34:50.820 created the ocean. So God tried to take him out. Feels like you skimmed that chapter, sir.

00:35:02.340 Did you forget that part? Yeah. So I hate him. I'm kind of obsessed with Salt Lake City or

00:35:07.220 that whole thing, uh, has the highest plastic surgery rate because women that were Mormon

00:35:13.440 tore up their bodies so much, got kicked to the curb at like 25 after having 12 kids and

00:35:19.520 then had to go do a revamp. That's terrible. Wild. I know. That's why I was like, I hate him. So

00:35:25.200 hate that guy. Yeah. Thankfully, uh, nothing, nothing came of that. Thankfully. Yeah. But then

00:35:31.220 you got to be with your guy. Yeah. Okay. That was like well after college. So after I,

00:35:35.960 after I graduated college, did you like refine each other or did you keep in touch?

00:35:39.340 We kind of kept in touch. We kept in touch the whole time. We get lunch once a year,

00:35:43.660 like old coworkers and then we wouldn't talk. Like we would just, if I was home and he was home,

00:35:48.360 we would get lunch and catch up and then go our separate ways. And then when, when was the time

00:35:52.540 that it, after I graduated from college and moved home, then I'm so obsessed with your boyfriend now

00:35:58.740 because I love that he like wasn't into you when you were like 15, 16, you know what I mean?

00:36:05.500 Like he never was a creep. Well, he, yeah, no. And he was also dating other people in high school and

00:36:10.180 I wasn't. And then when we went to college, we dated other people too. And then after college,

00:36:13.700 it was good. You got to get some idiots out of your system. Yeah, absolutely. And then what was

00:36:17.460 the like spark? Uh, well, first of all, I was ignoring him. He kept hitting me. Cause this is

00:36:21.860 the most, like the shittiest Reese Witherspoon movie that I would, I would never believe. Like

00:36:28.480 I went, we went to school together and there, and then all of a sudden he was like, it's been

00:36:31.440 you this whole time. Like what? We literally, I was ignoring him cause he, uh, he pissed me the

00:36:38.480 fuck off. And I don't even remember what happened. That's when you knew it was love. Yeah. He annoyed

00:36:42.440 me. And I literally was like, we're cool. We don't need to hang out. We're not, we don't need to be

00:36:45.680 friends. It's cool. And I just like, was ignoring him. And when I was about to graduate, he was like,

00:36:50.900 Hey, we should hang out when you come home. And I was ignoring him. Then he, he texts me like four or

00:36:55.300 five more times. Like, Hey, like, are you home yet? And I was home. I just like, what did he do to annoy you?

00:36:59.480 Yeah. Uh, he blew. I think it was that he had blown me off a few times. Uh, like, but it was

00:37:06.880 getting, the time was getting closer and closer each time. So it'd be like the couple of days

00:37:11.320 before then it would be the day of, then it would be an hour before. Then it was like, he just wouldn't

00:37:16.280 show up at all. And I was like, I'm not fucking dating you. So I don't know why we're doing this.

00:37:20.220 Totally. Like I was like, you're standing me up and we're getting lunch. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:23.720 Fuck out of here. And I literally text him. I'm like, Hey, we're not even really that close. So it's fine.

00:37:27.400 We don't need to, we don't need to hang out. We're good. That was like the last text I had

00:37:30.620 sent him. I am so into calling a friendship that is not taking. Yeah. That's not what

00:37:38.080 happened with you. But like, there are these maintenance friendships that you're kind of

00:37:42.020 like, should we just call it? Like, I don't want to do this. It doesn't seem like you really

00:37:47.520 want to do this. Like, I feel like we're just like, yeah, both feel bad. Like, let's just

00:37:51.860 call it. Yeah. Like how sick would it be if we just never talked to them? Should we just do

00:37:57.020 that? Yeah. It's one of those where you're like, you know what? Instead of this awkward

00:38:00.500 twice a year Chipotle run. Yeah. That's like, exactly. That's why I was like, what are we

00:38:05.600 doing? Like, yeah, I love that you just like said that. And then he was like, we're not

00:38:09.960 even really that close. That's what I, I wrote that out and sent it to him. We're not really

00:38:14.520 that close. That is savage. We don't need to ever hang out again. It's cool. And then he

00:38:18.160 was like, Oh no, I don't want you to be upset with me or he sent me something like apologizing

00:38:22.480 and I just never responded. And I remember too, right before I moved home from college,

00:38:27.300 he would, he would comment silly shit on my Instagram pictures and I would get so mad

00:38:32.300 and I would literally delete them. I would just delete them to be a dick because I was

00:38:36.060 so annoyed. I'm like, get the fuck off my picture. And I would delete it. That's so crazy

00:38:39.500 because only like he knows. Like that's the thing about deleting. Nobody gives a shit. Deleting

00:38:44.260 someone's comment is just between you and them. Yeah. Which is so crazy when you think

00:38:49.840 about it. Yeah. Especially cause I had no following. Neither of us did. It's such a dunk

00:38:53.540 on somebody. It's such a personal, like, I don't want people knowing I know you. I literally

00:38:59.460 deleted it. And then he would text, he texts me and was like, did you delete my comment?

00:39:04.080 And I just never responded. Did you notice that I deleted your comment? Yeah. Fucking free.

00:39:07.560 That's even weirder. You're so obsessed with me. Anyways, I went home. He kept hitting me

00:39:11.680 up, blah, blah, blah. And then I remember the last one he sent me, he's like, this is the

00:39:15.300 last time I'm going to try. I really do want to make it up to you. I'm really sorry. Like I've been a

00:39:19.520 shitty friend and whatever. He wrote me this really nice text, which he never used to talk

00:39:23.240 like that to me at the time. And I remember I was at the nail salon with my mom and I showed

00:39:27.680 it to her and I was like, can you believe this fucking guy? And then my mom was like,

00:39:31.540 you should go like to lunch or something. I'm like, why? She goes, cause like, what if

00:39:35.500 he, if he doesn't suck, then that's cool. And if he does suck, you got a free meal. And

00:39:40.320 I said, and that's period, I'm period bitch. You know what? You're right. And I text him

00:39:44.860 back. And then we went and jokes on me. He got me. It's also fascinating because it's

00:39:49.220 like, he obviously liked you. Yeah. But the thing that really got him was you having self

00:39:54.760 respect. Yeah, dude. And we always forget about that. You just respected yourself. And

00:40:02.560 he's like, she's my wife. Like it's amazing. It's like all that had to happen. I asked him

00:40:06.860 too. I was like, why did you keep texting me? Because he's not that kind of person at all.

00:40:10.220 Because I couldn't treat you like shit. And then you knew you had value. So then I valued

00:40:15.220 you. It was just like 101. Yeah. And he like, I mean, you see what he looks like. He doesn't

00:40:20.360 have any problems getting female attention literally ever, even now. But like, he told

00:40:26.500 me, I asked him, I was like, why did you keep hitting me up? Like of all, of all the years

00:40:30.000 I knew him, he was never that kind of guy to chase really. And he was like, I don't know.

00:40:34.640 Something just told me that like, I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't.

00:40:37.540 And now I know why. Cause I was meant to marry you. And I was like, you know what? Shut

00:40:41.180 up. First of all, don't be sweet and loving. Knock it off. So bad for my brand. And then

00:40:47.100 how, no, I think it's actually part of being able to, I don't want to say get away with

00:40:53.860 because you don't hate men. Yeah, it's true. It's specific. Yeah. I hate very specific

00:40:58.380 men. I spent so much time, um, being called like a man hater and my first, you know, couple

00:41:04.060 specials, I just kind of made fun of men that I was dating and made fun of like how ridiculous

00:41:07.460 like sexes and stuff like that. And I was like, no, I don't hate men. Although that's

00:41:10.780 like, I make fun of women just as much trying to make fun of everybody, but it's like, no,

00:41:14.880 I love them so much that this haunts me. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like,

00:41:19.800 so I think part of the reason you're able to go so hard at men is cause you know what

00:41:23.640 good ones are like totally. And you know, the good ones are out there. Yeah. I've told

00:41:26.460 people that before too. I've always told them I'm like, I, it's quite the opposite. Cause

00:41:30.100 sometimes men online, especially where they'll be like, Oh, fatherless behavior. That's like

00:41:34.100 their new thing. They like fatherless behavior, which is, I have it. So I'm just curious what

00:41:38.060 it is. It's a modern daddy issues. Yeah. Kind of thing. And they're like, that's what she

00:41:43.060 hates men. And I was like, well, it's actually quite the opposite way more damage. Okay. Like

00:41:48.200 yours is here right now, loving you, which is a whole other trauma. I was, I've said to

00:41:54.400 the people before though, I'm like, it's quite the opposite. Actually. I've seen what men are

00:41:57.400 capable of and this is not it. Yeah. Yeah. My bar is so high. Yeah. I was like, I, I hate you.

00:42:03.300 I don't hate men. I hate you. Okay. Fatherless behavior. That's women going to Coachella. What

00:42:08.400 is it? It's just feather earrings. It's real. It's real. Like Rose all day shirts. Yeah. It's

00:42:14.060 real vague to be honest. It's just women who don't act or do the things that misogynistic

00:42:19.940 women that post Marilyn Monroe quotes. It's women who love themselves. Okay. Okay. Like, Oh,

00:42:27.000 I can't treat you like shit. Okay. Clearly you don't have a dad, but fatherless behavior is

00:42:32.420 women with daddy issues. Yeah. Okay. So it could be women who sleep around. It could

00:42:36.240 be women who don't sleep around. It could be fat women. It could be skinny women. It

00:42:39.160 could be a new way of saying you're a woman. Essentially. Okay. Got it. It's just slut.

00:42:45.900 It's a new word for slut. Okay. It's like, well, it's not just slut either. Cause like, that's

00:42:49.300 not why they say it to me that to me, they say to me because they think that's why I hate

00:42:53.200 them. Sure. Amen. And I, even so I'm like, even if I did hate all of them, what are you going

00:42:57.600 to do about it? Yeah. It's also, I, I mean, it's like, I think I call women out to, I

00:43:02.720 think it's, you know, calling it. I just think that I don't think about like, I'm making fun

00:43:06.340 of a man. I'm making fun of a woman. It's just like, this is, you know, um, but I do

00:43:10.020 think it's important that men call out men and women call out women too. Do you know what

00:43:14.440 I mean? And when a man talks shit about women, I'm not like, you're talking about me. I'm

00:43:19.360 like, no, you're talking about her and the women that do that. Whereas if I'm going to make

00:43:22.280 fun of a man doing this, why did you just involve you? I'm not talking about you. You're

00:43:26.280 like outing yourself. Why do you hate men? I'm like, no, I'm not even, I don't even

00:43:29.480 know you. Yeah. Literally. I think you do. I know. I just held up the mirror. Even

00:43:33.680 sometimes I'll, I'll make videos, not even talking about men. I'll just be talking

00:43:37.500 about women. And then they're like, and what about us? What about you, bitch? I'm

00:43:41.300 not thinking about you. Like men just jump in. Yeah. Like, and what about men? What

00:43:45.380 about you? You make your own video. Yeah. I was like, you make your own video about

00:43:49.560 you. Yeah. Go do that. Don't come in here. I'm not talking to you. It's like everyone's

00:43:53.640 going to, I mean, this must be fascinating. Like, like I feel like that getting in the

00:43:57.560 public eye or whatever I am was so incremental for me in a way for you. Did it just feel like

00:44:02.200 so fast? I feel like there's so much adjusting. Oh yeah, totally. It's been, it's been a big

00:44:07.060 like adjustment over the past, like, I think now we're going on three years that I've been

00:44:10.520 doing this like full time. But yeah, it's been a lot, especially in the beginning. Cause

00:44:14.440 like my shtick was making fun of awful dudes. But even then I'm like, I just make silly

00:44:20.160 ass jokes about what they look like. And it's men who are attacking the looks of other

00:44:23.560 women. So it's like, exactly. It's a fair fight. Yeah. I figure I'm like, well, I thought

00:44:27.260 you were cool with commenting on looks cause you did it. Yeah. If you can give it, you

00:44:29.940 should be able to take it. And I've told people before, I'm like, I truly think that like,

00:44:33.300 so sometimes they're like, well then I should be able to call you a fat fucking bitch by all

00:44:36.560 means. You absolutely can. And here's the other thing. Like I'm so pro first amendment. It's

00:44:42.240 ridiculous. I'm a comic, right? Literally you can say whatever you want, but you have to

00:44:49.380 be cool with the fact that people aren't going to like you after. Like you can say

00:44:53.400 it. Like I should be able to say the N word. You know what? Say it, but then you're going

00:44:59.400 to get punched in the face and everyone's going to clap. So just, you have to be okay

00:45:05.120 with the consequences that you can say it. I've said that too. I'm like, you could, you

00:45:09.680 could literally say anything you want. Like when I was, I was fucking up some dude recently

00:45:14.260 and they were saying, they were like, Oh, you can't joke about anything. I'm like, yeah,

00:45:18.160 you can't. You absolutely, you could joke about whatever the fuck you want. And I

00:45:21.520 was like, you just have to deal with the consequences after. But also like when

00:45:25.400 they're like, I can't say anything. I'm like, in what, in what way? Like you're

00:45:29.240 still saying it and no one's stopping you. So like literally nothing is stopping

00:45:33.260 you at all. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's like, you're

00:45:35.880 just making fun of men and then they pay money to watch MMA and watch men beat the

00:45:39.240 shit out of each other. You're like, you love watching men get beat up. What are you

00:45:42.820 doing? Oh, but when I do it, it's just you're pretty. Just tell me if you're

00:45:46.180 I'm pretty. You're in love with me. You're obsessed with me. You know what I

00:45:51.320 mean? Like, I don't like it's just sometimes the line, like it does get

00:45:55.720 blurred a little bit. Does high school ever end? Are they just pulling your

00:45:59.240 pigtails in high school? Do you know what I mean? It just, they're just

00:46:01.660 flirting. Yeah. It's, and it's also, I feel like, um, again, I'm like, I make fun

00:46:07.060 of people so openly and so publicly. If I had a problem with people making fun of

00:46:11.220 what I look like, then I would be in the wrong profession. Right. Totally. Totally. And I was

00:46:14.820 like, I can take a fucking joke. That's the difference between you and me. Right.

00:46:17.640 Right. Like I said earlier, I've got a lot of gay friends, a lot of drag queen

00:46:21.440 friends. You have to be able to take a joke. Nothing builds the armor quite like

00:46:24.840 that. Is there anything that's, I mean, people ask me this question a lot and I

00:46:27.560 don't always love it, but like, do, is there anything that's off limits? You're

00:46:30.180 like, ah, uh, like to make fun of, or to just talk about in general. Not really. I

00:46:37.540 mean, it doesn't stop. The people that have made fun of me have truly said the most

00:46:42.320 awful shit I've ever seen in my life. Like I'm just saying objectively, it's

00:46:45.140 really terrible. Yeah. When it comes to the negative comments, I'm finding more

00:46:49.280 and more. Well, first of all, I did block certain words. You can do that. I think

00:46:53.320 on Instagram, I don't know if you can on Tik TOK, you can talk. You can. Yeah. Okay.

00:46:56.600 So this is actually even more important than your favorite Girl Scout cookie, which

00:46:59.880 is what are the words that you auto block on social media that will help me learn a

00:47:05.020 lot about you? Oh, honestly, I think for the most part, when I first got started, I put

00:47:09.680 in a lot of like private information because people, because naturally, um, I

00:47:14.380 got doxxed many times when I was first like doing, uh, Tik TOKs. They were like

00:47:19.420 threatening my life, the story of being a woman. Uh, good news, bad news. Gavin

00:47:24.840 DeBecker, who's like the big security expert guy. Yeah. When I had a bunch of

00:47:28.140 death threats, he was like, Oh, well the person that's going to kill you is not

00:47:31.220 going to give you a heads up. You want to hear something so funny? And you're kind of

00:47:34.980 like, that's exactly what one of my friends told me. I feel better and worse.

00:47:38.180 The people literally that are going to threaten you. You do not have to worry

00:47:42.480 about it. Yeah. That's, that's actually so true. Cause that was something I

00:47:45.800 talked to other creators about that had similar issues and they told me the same

00:47:50.800 thing. They were like, well, they're not going to tell you. Cool. They're not

00:47:53.480 going to, they're not going to just come out of left field and you'll never know.

00:47:57.660 You can't prepare for it. You cannot prepare for it. Yeah. So essentially just calm

00:48:01.420 down and relax, sleep well at night. Okay. I turned into a full man. I'm like,

00:48:06.820 calm down. Just relax. I know that's a, so I have a lot of private stuff. That's

00:48:12.940 like the first stuff in there. And then I started muting names of dudes that I had

00:48:17.020 already talked about. Cause I was like, I don't want to fucking see this shit

00:48:20.220 anymore. I'm like, I'm over it. I don't want to see him anymore. I burned that

00:48:22.280 down. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah, he's never coming back. I put my boot on his

00:48:27.460 fucking head and pushed him back down to hell. Okay. He's fine. So like, that's really

00:48:31.260 all I have needed. I think for negative comments though, they usually only hurt

00:48:36.380 when I agree with them. Yeah. I feel that that's the tricky one. When someone's

00:48:40.120 like your third special was so much better than your second. I'm like, that's

00:48:42.780 true. You're right. You're right. Yeah. I've told, I've talked about this before

00:48:49.520 too. Like I went on a podcast and I was talking about comments that I got. Cause

00:48:53.900 they asked me about hate comments. They always ask me about that. But I, they were

00:48:57.120 like, what are, has any comment ever hurt your feelings? And I was like, honestly, no,

00:49:00.920 like men are not nearly smart enough to be clever and witty, uh, in my comments

00:49:06.480 personally. So nothing they've ever said has been funny or endearing at all. I was like,

00:49:11.140 honestly, the meanest shit I've ever gotten was from people who love me. Um, and they're

00:49:16.700 trying to compliment me and it's not a compliment at all. It's tricky when someone says like,

00:49:22.920 or like tries to be funny. Like I come from like roast and comedy and people come up

00:49:26.960 and a lot of times when you're trying to be funny and you miss, it's either an insult

00:49:30.300 or a lie. Right. So it's like, it's, it's in, especially over like, you know, written.

00:49:36.400 Yeah, exactly. Like the sarcasm doesn't come through. It's like, I know calling me a dumb

00:49:41.080 cunt. Like you thought that was hilarious, but the inflection doesn't really play. It doesn't

00:49:47.300 hit the ear in the comments quite well. Yeah. And I even, um, I talked about on that show

00:49:52.700 that I was on about how like someone told me they felt really represented by me. And every

00:49:57.000 time they say that to me, I, I cautiously read the rest of it cause it will hurt my feelings

00:50:01.580 because it's someone who genuinely loves me. Like it's not meant to be an insult at all,

00:50:06.860 which I know. Um, but I am a human with a brain and eyes. So I, unfortunately I still see

00:50:12.040 it. And they said that they felt really represented by me cause they were, uh, also wall-eyed, which

00:50:17.540 I was like, what the fuck is that? Cause I only know about cock eyed and that's not

00:50:22.540 good. So I looked it up and it's literally comparative to a horse. Like their eyes look

00:50:26.880 opposite directions. Yeah. And they were saying, seeing you being so confident and being wall-eyed

00:50:32.200 has made me feel really good about myself. I love it when it's in a compliment. It's like,

00:50:37.000 you know what? You just, you don't even care what you wear and that's really inspiring.

00:50:41.340 And you're like, what? Um, Oh girl, that's I, you're not that. I don't think. Um, according

00:50:46.880 to the, I get called horse face a lot. So I feel like I would, you know, what's even crazier is

00:50:50.800 like when they posted that clip on Tik TOK, it's funny. I'm like making jokes about myself. I joked

00:50:55.600 about it, whatever. Uh, and it did really well on Tik TOK and all of the comments were literally

00:51:00.180 like, I mean, girl, you're still beautiful. First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I am not medically

00:51:06.420 wall-eyed. I don't have to sit here and justify that shit to y'all. I was like, I literally wrote,

00:51:10.140 I was like, I like how everyone all of a sudden is a doctor. I would love to be wall-eyed that I can

00:51:14.120 fucking see. I got eyes behind my head. No one's creeping up on you. Like if you're going to become

00:51:17.920 a famous influencer, you want eyes on the side of your head. That's very real. I wouldn't have to

00:51:21.880 worry about people sneaking up to kill me because I could see. I mean, here's the thing. I love a

00:51:27.500 clever insult. Like there's nothing worse than someone just saying something nasty and hurting

00:51:31.340 your feelings, but there's nothing better when someone just nails it. And that's why I love comics

00:51:36.020 so much. That's why I love doing the roast so much. Like one time Nick Swartz was on my podcast and

00:51:39.800 like on my podcast, I get like, you have such a good energy. You're so chill. But like, I come

00:51:44.200 from like, like, I like someone I'm trying so hard to like get a bit in or like when comics are on

00:51:48.720 sometimes you really feel like we were like, yeah, totally. So I'm like going a million miles an

00:51:53.160 hour. Yeah. And then he was like telling a story and I like was getting bored, I guess. And I was

00:51:58.260 like, I kept saying what I thought the punchline of the story was going to be. And he's like,

00:52:01.700 would you just let me finish? I was like, well, you're taking forever. And he just went,

00:52:04.200 sorry, I'm not an Adderall mannequin. Like, it's such a perfect insult. It's kind of flattering.

00:52:14.760 It's kind of, it's clever. I've never heard that pairing of words. Yeah. So if you're going to do

00:52:19.020 it, just like give it some thought. You know what I mean? A lot of times when people just slide into

00:52:23.020 my like comments, they're like, you dumb bitch. I'm like, do you need more time? Yeah, for real.

00:52:26.580 Like just spend more time on the insult. Sometimes I respond and I'm like, that was a

00:52:30.960 zero out of 10. Do you want to try again? My last name is Cummings. I've heard it all

00:52:36.180 since I was a wee top. Just come with something a little more clever. And like, I'm sure it would

00:52:41.480 tickle me pink. Yeah. I've, I've the one insult I've ever gotten. That was from a man that honestly

00:52:46.540 didn't hate me, which made it even funnier to me. Like it was just like a drive by. He hit me.

00:52:51.700 He just said, I looked like the pot of greed card from Yu-Gi-Oh! And like, if you looked it up,

00:52:56.840 yeah, you got me, bitch. Like you fucking got me, bitch. Like if I Googled the esoteric insult

00:53:03.140 and it hits, I'm in love with you. I looked it up and I said, yeah, you know. Okay. That's I was

00:53:09.280 like, that was, that was three years ago. I still remember to this day where I got it, when I got

00:53:14.280 it, what I was wearing, because I was like, that's honestly hilarious. I one time, and this was like

00:53:18.600 before all like the gender drama, this is like five years ago, I was walking into a Starbucks and you

00:53:22.360 know, when you like, no, like there's like a table of guys and you know, they're like looking at you.

00:53:26.120 Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It was like three dudes that were just like sitting out front

00:53:28.760 of Starbucks, like post it up for like the day just to do whatever, you know what I mean?

00:53:34.460 And then cheating on their wife. I told her the girls would walk by and they would just look at

00:53:37.760 them. Right. So it's like, you know, a group of guys looking at guys you would never date or talk

00:53:40.840 to, but then you have to like, I'm just like Naomi Campbell all of a sudden for no reason.

00:53:48.320 Like, oh, these guys are disgusting, but I still want them to be in love with me.

00:53:51.360 So I'm like, and then I like looked over just to see if they were still looking, you know what I

00:53:56.000 mean? And I caught eye contact with one of the guys and he just went, what's up, dude?

00:54:03.520 I think about it twice a week. Like what? Like it wasn't an insult. It was kind of just a weird.

00:54:10.240 They just dap you up. But it was like, like, you know, that thing, the game, it was that book

00:54:13.580 that like taught guys how to be mean to girls to make them like them or something. It's just like,

00:54:16.700 I was like, does he really think I'm like, wait, what's up? Why did he say dude? Like

00:54:20.180 was that, was he flirting? Was he not? Like, I still don't know the answer. Like it just,

00:54:24.740 it drives me nuts. The pickup artist. Yeah. So that's the other thing. Like don't go straight

00:54:29.040 for mean or too nice. Just go like in, just go to confuse it. Confusing. You know what I'm

00:54:33.640 saying? Just like spinny wheel from the like computer, like rebuffering stream. Like it

00:54:38.700 just like paralyzed. And you're still thinking about it. So it worked. I mean that guy, I mean

00:54:42.360 Craigslist misconnections. I'll see you tonight. Let me know. I check it every night. Refresh.

00:54:49.680 I've had like a few instances. Yeah. With online men, like that's really the only ever time. I think

00:54:55.460 recently I got one from a guy that just said, go to the gym, Chunko, which I thought was hilarious.

00:55:01.480 I think Chunko. I was like, Chunko, that you kind of ate me up with that one. I love a Chunko. I love a

00:55:05.860 Bucko. Yeah. I love a, hey Bucko. I've had some old, sometimes really old men comment on my shit.

00:55:13.380 Um, and they'll write crazy. Like you could tell they're a hundred years old based off how they

00:55:18.280 wrote the comment. Um, and they're never interesting, but I love making old jokes.

00:55:23.720 They're like, you're a real snake in the grass.

00:55:28.320 These old timey ass insults. Oh, you corpulent lass.

00:55:35.080 And that sticks with me. I'm kind of like, okay, I got to think about that one a little bit.

00:55:39.160 But one time I wrote to a guy, I'm like, I, I wrote back to this old man. I should say this,

00:55:44.360 this gentleman. Okay. I was like, did you like sneak your phone away from the nurse? That's

00:55:50.160 clearly taking care of you to write this elder abuse. I want to be mean to you, but I don't

00:55:56.300 respect my elders. I don't want to be too mean to you. You geriatric fuck. He's like,

00:56:00.820 he got your back. You've got mail. She wrote me back. Literally. I love an old guy's coming

00:56:08.520 on my shit. I love a good old person joke. Yeah. I mean, I feel like on like, like their

00:56:13.280 profiles, just like the egg. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or just like them, like a fuzzy photo

00:56:18.200 with an arm around them. Like, who did you crop out? Take a new photo. Or it's like

00:56:23.180 just a really up close picture. Like the phone was like right here. Dude. I feel like guys

00:56:28.740 in their forties, especially if they're divorced, it's a lot of like car seat selfies with a seat

00:56:34.900 belt on. It's a lot of just like, got it. Yeah. Why are they always in the car? Always

00:56:41.740 in the car. And they always have those wraparound glasses like those. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But

00:56:46.640 they're like, they're like Stokely's. They're like a gas station. Yeah. Totally. Like the

00:56:53.300 iridescent, like, Oh, brutal. I know you're wearing a fanny pack. I can tell from your face.

00:57:00.560 You're wearing those finger shoes. Yeah. He's going to do the finger shoe. I don't know, man. No,

00:57:07.060 I'm not going to go to the Eagles concert with you. It's not happening. Yeah. I don't need to see

00:57:13.120 rush. It's okay. Yeah. The Neil Diamond cover man. I don't think I can make it. I don't think

00:57:18.500 I can get there by four 30. Okay. So we talked about all kinds of shit. Okay. Um, we were just

00:57:25.880 being hilarious. I love your energy. This is very like fun, but not like I do mostly standup comics

00:57:32.740 podcast. And it's just this, like, it's, um, fatherless behavior. It doesn't feel fatherless.

00:57:39.560 I love that. Nice, warm, warm energy. Well, before I said it a little bit in the beginning,

00:57:45.220 but I do want to mention this, like, I love your comedy and I've like looked up to you for a very

00:57:50.380 long time. So I'm honored that you came on the show. I wish I had said that in the beginning,

00:57:54.000 but you're too busy laughing. Um, but I do like, you've been in the game for a while and you're such

00:57:59.540 a pillar, especially for female comics, like in the industry. So I'm so curious as someone,

00:58:04.160 I'm just a silly bitch on the internet, but for people, especially women who want to like do stand

00:58:08.960 up and like maybe are afraid. Cause I, like you said, you've gotten a lot of like shit from men,

00:58:13.080 especially with your type of comedy, which is, it challenges a lot of things. And I think that's

00:58:17.940 why men get so fucking angry because they feel so called out by you. But like, as someone who's been

00:58:22.980 going through it and still succeeding and still doing it, like, what's your best piece of advice for

00:58:27.500 women who want to come up and stand up, especially now. I know it's like shifted drastically suck

00:58:31.820 every dick. It'll open a door. I know I, it's actually that, I mean, a big thing I think is

00:58:40.640 if you're really serious about being in comedy, don't date comics, don't date comics. And I'm

00:58:45.200 sure it's, it seems like, Oh, we'll write jokes together. There's like, there's no way, no offense

00:58:49.240 that you're going to end up together and you're going to end up like, just don't shit where you

00:58:52.300 eat regardless. I think that's like a main thing for like women in any business. Like don't date

00:58:56.100 your coworker. Like it's just work is already hard. Like you're just don't want to add another

00:59:00.100 complication to your workplace. Like resist the urge. I know most women are like, Oh,

00:59:04.560 we don't have trouble resisting comedian, male comedians. That's just you. Like, but whatever,

00:59:09.600 just like stay away from that if at all possible. I think that's like good at all. I think also just

00:59:13.820 like figuring out who you are. I think when you start, you're kind of like, I'm like this comedian

00:59:18.060 or I'm like this person just like, who are you? So it's like doing things that aren't just

00:59:22.460 comedy centric. I think we're all so like, you know, want to make it so bad. And we're

00:59:25.900 so ambitious. I'm getting so serious. Um, that we forget sometimes like in order for art to

00:59:31.020 imitate life, you have to have a life. So if you're like, I need to stay like, if you're

00:59:34.600 working all the time, the only thing you have to talk about is work, you know? And so like

00:59:38.020 be an interesting person, like, you know, go to that concert, like go do that thing, go

00:59:42.680 make those mistakes. Like go on a bunch of bad dates with people that you don't think you

00:59:46.680 would ever end up with stories. You know what I mean? It's like a good way for, I think

00:59:49.920 people that are really ambitious to go like actually live a life so that you actually have

00:59:54.460 something to talk about and you can be relatable to people. That was a huge mistake that I

00:59:57.500 made. Like when I first started, I was like in front of my computer all day. Like what's

01:00:00.900 funny about being on a computer all day? Like I had no, you know, life experience to pull

01:00:05.320 from totally. Cause I think that we're so like, I just want to like work 24 seven and grind

01:00:09.100 24 seven. But sometimes the best thing you can do is like have a balanced life. That's

01:00:13.360 where the best like material comes from. Like just chill out. And it's also, I think

01:00:17.080 that it's, it's like, I had this like stress of like, I had to make it so fast. Like you

01:00:21.320 only get better as a comic, you know, like the men don't really have that stress. They

01:00:24.800 just like, they're like, Oh, we're like wine. We just get better as we get older and smarter

01:00:28.060 and more experienced. Like it's the same with women too. Yeah. That was going to, I was going

01:00:32.140 to ask you about that too, because I was so curious, like how existing in this space as

01:00:37.000 like, as a female comic too, if it's been like, do you find it a lot easier now existing

01:00:42.260 around? Cause obviously you have to, you feel like you have to prove yourself all the time,

01:00:45.040 especially as women in a male dominant space. Cause then even if you've made it a lot,

01:00:49.160 I've done six specials. Now I have to keep doing things to prove that that wasn't all

01:00:53.140 just handed to me or that it wasn't just an accident or that it was, you know, you have

01:00:57.560 to constantly, and that I haven't like lost it and that I'm not like out of touch now.

01:01:01.800 Like you always have to be proving something. And I think that especially if you want to be

01:01:05.140 great, you should always be insecure about how good you are because you're going to be comparing

01:01:09.440 yourself to the people above you. So for me, it's like, I don't, you can just keep getting

01:01:12.680 better. Yeah. I'm comparing myself to Chappelle every day. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So

01:01:15.740 it's like, don't compare yourself to people that are going to keep you mediocre period,

01:01:19.540 you know? And then also it's like when you get known and you get famous and you start

01:01:22.640 selling tickets, number one, it used to be like, I would go on stage and it was like,

01:01:25.620 well, they only paid 10 bucks to come in and see all these unknown comics. Now they paid

01:01:29.020 $80 to come see me. You specifically, they got a babysitter and they got parking and they have

01:01:33.860 to pay for two drinks. So it's like, they're like, I spent 300 bucks on this bitch. This

01:01:37.160 better be funny. You know, or they're like, Oh, I got to hear what all the hype's about. Or

01:01:42.300 that bar is that much higher for you. It just keeps getting raised. Totally. So the pressure

01:01:46.300 is never going to be gone. You know, like it definitely gets more fun in a lot of ways.

01:01:49.840 Like sometimes audiences will give you a little more of a benefit of the doubt. Yeah. But when

01:01:53.240 you miss, they're kind of like, how could you miss at this stage? And it's even worse,

01:01:57.240 you know what I mean? Or more embarrassing or people are rooting against you because you

01:02:00.460 know that people love nothing more than to build people up just to watch them fail. Yeah.

01:02:03.920 Especially in Hollywood. So a lot of times people are like, let's just make this harder

01:02:07.040 for her. Yeah. You know, I think too, like I admire standup so much and I feel like it's

01:02:13.560 such a uniquely terrifying art form to me because it's just, I love making people laugh. So

01:02:19.360 that's why I love standup so much. It's like, cause I love laughing obviously. Um, so I admire

01:02:24.740 you for being around not only for this long, but like also just as the success that you've

01:02:30.140 had, not just on your specials, but also on your roast. Like that's what a lot of people

01:02:33.400 know you for too, which that's how I found you initially. Cause you were my fave on all

01:02:38.200 the daises that I watched. You're so sweet. I loved watching you be mean to men. And I

01:02:41.560 think that something about this is like specifically, and after meeting you, I believe this even

01:02:45.720 more strongly is like, no matter how rough you are or critical you are as a standup or

01:02:50.560 a thinker or a podcaster or a roaster or a content creator, I've always tried to lead

01:02:55.420 from love. And I know that sounds dorky, but if you're going like, I was like, and you're

01:03:01.200 coming from a place of like, you just made fun of people's looks. So this is a fair

01:03:04.340 fight. If you always make sure it's like a fair fight on some level, I think you're always

01:03:07.860 going to win. Totally. And if you're not coming from a place of like hate or negativity, like

01:03:11.600 you have a warmth to you. Yeah. You like have a warmth to you. And I think that that's a

01:03:15.520 really important thing to kind of like, cause like people will never remember what you said,

01:03:19.320 but they'll remember like how they felt when they were watching. You know what I mean?

01:03:22.800 Absolutely. And they're like, I want to hang out with that person. Yeah. That's how I feel

01:03:25.960 about you. And you have this too. You're like, I want to hang out with her. And I know that's

01:03:29.200 a ridiculous, maybe a hard thing to apply, but sometimes now when I'm writing, I'm like,

01:03:33.760 ah, that's very funny. It's just too mean. You know what I mean? And also you have to

01:03:38.380 update your software on yourself. You're not allowed to be insecure at a certain stage.

01:03:41.440 Cause I still feel like some days I'm like, Oh, I'm just this like open mic or like I'm

01:03:44.540 just this, whatever, whatever. Other people don't see me that way. So I can't pull off the

01:03:48.000 same material I could pull off before. Do you know what I mean? So when you get more successful,

01:03:52.260 you have to like update your software and you don't get to be so humble that you're out of touch

01:03:56.080 with yourself and you can't pull things off and you come off meaner than you are.

01:04:00.340 That's so real. Do you know what I mean? Because like, it was really cute when you were an underdog.

01:04:04.140 Yeah. But now it's kind of like, you can't really do that anymore. Totally. As you get,

01:04:07.360 especially when you, cause as you rise up, you get more access to things, which would be even less

01:04:12.560 of an excuse to continue to like be mean for sport. Totally. As opposed for being funny.

01:04:18.300 Completely. Yeah. And then people see you like a sort of a certain way. You know, I live in Hollywood.

01:04:22.160 I've done television shows. People think I eat babies. So I, so I can't, I gotta watch it on the

01:04:28.480 eating babies show because people already think I do that. Like, you know, and you, it's just

01:04:33.460 evolving too. Totally. As a comic, as like a public person, it's like you get better with time as you

01:04:38.920 evolve. And also comedy is fashion. Yeah. You know, it goes in and out. What was funny yesterday

01:04:42.720 might not be funny today because so many things change, you know, it's like, you know, I just mean

01:04:46.780 like, it's an example of like, you have to really be flexible and egoless with just going like, I'm

01:04:51.360 going to drop that. Maybe it'll come back later. Yeah. And there's no harm in doing that either.

01:04:55.680 Cause if you're actually really good and really funny, your material can update with you. And if

01:05:00.820 you're really in it to be like, I want to make someone's day. Yeah. I'm not in it to be like,

01:05:06.140 well, I wrote this and now I have to go say it. It's like, no, no, no. You were in this to make

01:05:09.540 someone's day. Totally. And to basically like mind meld a bunch of people in a room so that life

01:05:14.560 got a little more tolerable for like two hours. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not

01:05:18.700 trying to hurt people. I do think it's interesting to go like, oh, I want to like challenge people.

01:05:22.440 I want people to have to like look at their own beliefs. Cause like if there are certain jokes

01:05:25.500 that like some of the audience loves and some of them is like groans, you're kind of like, there's

01:05:28.940 something interesting here. Yeah. Like this could, there's like, but you still have to pat it with

01:05:32.320 things that are just going to make people laugh. Yeah. But I think if you're like signing up to make

01:05:36.060 people uncomfortable or like, like be sadistic about it, like just, you're not going to make

01:05:41.420 it as like a legend, a legendary comment. Totally. Cause then you're also going to be way more okay

01:05:46.240 with the negative feedback. You're going to get what you're going to get, man, woman, old, young,

01:05:50.380 whatever. And then when someone says something negative to me on the internet, like I know what

01:05:54.340 happens when I judge someone else when I'm like, oh, well I'm doing it to make myself feel better.

01:05:58.460 Yeah. I had to like ding another person in order to feel some self-righteous indignation or

01:06:02.700 superiority because I'm so insecure. So when someone's mean to me, I'm like, oh, I just made

01:06:08.020 your day by you making me your punching bag. Like I didn't sign up for exactly how I was going to make

01:06:13.220 your day. Like I would love to have made you laugh, but I made you judge me. So like, great.

01:06:19.040 I got to be that for you today. Some days you're going to love me. Some days you're going to hate

01:06:22.140 me. I can't control which one it's going to be when and by who. So as long as you're kind of okay

01:06:26.040 with being super polarizing, that's when I think as a female comic or performer, you're really able to be

01:06:31.540 like, okay, I can do this. Yeah, absolutely. My friend Caleb told me to like, one of his things

01:06:36.600 was like, he, and he appreciates comics who adapt the material and don't have an ego embedded in

01:06:42.820 the material. Cause he was saying like, it, if like it doesn't hit, it doesn't hit for whatever

01:06:47.880 reason. Even if you thought it was awesome, you're not really, you're not writing the joke for you.

01:06:52.040 You're writing it for other people. It's a, it's a total collaboration with the audience, you know?

01:06:55.640 And he was like a truly great comic, like feels like, and adapts as they go. Totally. Like,

01:07:01.620 and he was like, I think that's why people like you and other, other comics that I love too. Caleb's

01:07:05.840 one of them, um, like truly make people laugh so hard. And then also it's like, it makes it easier

01:07:11.700 almost to like tell jokes that could be, could be offensive or have offensive material embedded in

01:07:16.960 it. Yeah. There's a way to do it in a way that's not denigrating. You're also, that is a really

01:07:22.080 important point is that if you're trying to, if you have like, if you're 70% there on a premise

01:07:26.640 that is upsetting to people, makes people grow and like, you've got to keep chiseling at it to say

01:07:32.260 it in a smart enough way that it does make people laugh. And the audience is never wrong. Yeah.

01:07:36.920 Do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. The audience is always right. The audience is always

01:07:40.100 just trying to help you get it right. That's the way that I look at it. That's such a good way of

01:07:44.480 looking at it. Cause I'm like, you're right. I don't have it yet. I don't, it's not in the right

01:07:47.380 order. I'm going to come back tomorrow night and then just go like the audience sucks and they're

01:07:50.980 against me. It's like, no, no one shows up at a comedy club and doesn't want to laugh. No one

01:07:54.600 pays money. And it's like, I want to be missed. Like they're rooting for you. Yeah. They want you

01:07:58.620 to make them laugh. But so that's like getting on stage, even like in little ways, like just leading

01:08:02.600 with love going like, I love this audience. You guys love, like we're in this together. Whereas I

01:08:06.520 used to go on stage and it was very combative with the audience. I think being a woman when I

01:08:09.940 started was like slightly different. You just had to go to war. But now if you just go like this

01:08:14.160 audience wants me to win, like this is a collaboration, like we're going to get through this.

01:08:18.500 Totally. It's going to be a little better experience. Yeah. There was

01:08:20.880 a bit in my friend's set that he's, I watched him perform it live and it was so funny. And

01:08:25.680 I don't want to say it cause I don't want to ruin it. Cause he's going to do it somewhere

01:08:28.040 else soon. But he, he told me, he's like that bit took me a while to like get to a point

01:08:33.380 because there are topics in it that are hard to talk about. And he was like, it took me

01:08:37.680 a while to like mold it to a way that everybody's laughing. Yeah. And he's like, cause when I was

01:08:42.140 first doing it, it was just, it was groans and everyone was offended and upset. And this

01:08:46.400 is, I could think also it's like, this is going to sound like old, old head over here,

01:08:49.640 but it's like, also like there's no rush, like to put something online and to be public

01:08:54.640 about it yet. Like there's no way you're good yet in the beginning. There's no way. How,

01:08:58.380 how could you be? If you have one great set, great. But like, don't, you're going to make

01:09:02.640 it like have faith in yourself that you're going to make it wait six months. Yeah. Just work

01:09:07.260 on that thing. Six more months. It's only going to get better. There's no way it's going to

01:09:10.020 get worse. And this whole like rush to like, you know, like feed this beast. If I got to put

01:09:14.020 something out, like you can never make it too late as a comedian. My biggest regret is that I got seen

01:09:18.160 too early before I was ready. Yeah. And especially if you're a woman, you're like a novelty and people

01:09:22.320 like in the business are going to want to see you, but like, don't let people see you before

01:09:25.780 you're ready and know who you are. Cause then you're going to get the opportunity that you

01:09:29.920 maybe don't necessarily want or will have outgrown in a couple of years, you know? So like I did a

01:09:35.160 sitcom that was like based on who I was at the time and I was changing so much as a person two years

01:09:39.820 later. I'm like, I don't even know who this character is anymore. You know what I mean? But I'm like

01:09:42.620 stuck in this thing. I wish I had done this in like five years when I actually knew who I was.

01:09:46.380 That's you're going to have more longevity if you're not in a rush. Totally. And he told me

01:09:50.500 it took him like six to eight months to like really perfect it. That's awesome. And he was

01:09:55.040 like, and I took my time because I really wanted it to work, but I was trusting that the audience

01:09:58.620 was going to tell me what wasn't working and what was. Yeah. So he's like, so I just adapted

01:10:02.480 it. Like I edited it. I changed it. Godspeed. If you're starting to be a comedian right now

01:10:06.660 at a time where everyone in the audience is on drugs, I mean, everyone is on drugs. I don't

01:10:11.440 even know. Especially in LA. Yeah. If you bomb on stage, I think you're probably a brilliant

01:10:15.860 comedian and everyone is just on edibles and mushrooms. Like I do not know how to even

01:10:20.240 start at this point because everyone is on drugs. I know. And he's, he's been in the game

01:10:24.880 for, I think he's at eight years. He's been doing it for eight years. So yeah, I think we

01:10:27.760 need to make weed illegal again. This was a huge mistake. It's gone too far. This is a nightmare.

01:10:33.720 We hardly got here. Am I wrong? At what cost? At what cost? Everyone's on that they fentanyls

01:10:40.600 in the water. Like, it's just like a mess. It is. I talked to animal control recently because

01:10:47.300 I had a raccoon in my yard that was like acting very weird. And this is so LA. I was like,

01:10:51.980 there's a raccoon in my tree. It's acting weird. She was like, yeah, that's where they

01:10:54.800 live. Oh, okay. I was like, okay, no, it's, I'm glad I called a professional. I wasn't sure.

01:11:00.960 And I was like, it's acting very weird. And she's like, yeah, because a lot of people

01:11:03.460 in LA, they are testing their cocaine for fentanyl. And if it tests positive, they flush

01:11:07.140 it down the toilet. So there's fentanyl in the water and the coyotes and the raccoons

01:11:10.140 are acting really weird. It's like sick. Yeah. And that lady, Michelle Obama.

01:11:15.140 So the zombie apocalypse you're so worried about is here. It's just starting with raccoons

01:11:21.300 and coyotes. I got a gun. So don't worry about it. Is that, I never know how to answer

01:11:25.060 this question about advice for standups, but no, it was wonderful advice. You're kidding.

01:11:30.580 Get on only fans, make a sex tape. Like honestly, don't be successful or respected. I guess you

01:11:35.580 do have to figure that out in the beginning. Don't do anything too distracting. You know

01:11:40.280 what I mean? And I'm not saying like, like neuter yourself or, you know, dress like your,

01:11:44.960 you know, REI lesbians over here. I'm saying you can just, yeah, exactly. You just don't

01:11:50.360 have to look like a fucking pirate on stage either. Cause it's confusing. I finally had.

01:11:56.580 And what if it's, what if it's just theater? Then you're, you turn it into like, you turn

01:12:01.660 like the standup bit, you're dressed as a pirate. Okay. Yeah. Then you turn it into live theater.

01:12:06.480 They think there's watching standup. You start singing. I would sue you. If I signed up to go

01:12:14.420 watch someone like speak the truth, you start doing interactive insights. And then you started

01:12:18.840 like doing jazz. I would sue you for emotional terrorism, interactive theater. But like, I do

01:12:26.240 think that that's one thing. And then I always feel like coming off like sexist when I say stuff

01:12:30.820 like this, when a girl comes off stage and she did like, well, but should have done better. So you

01:12:34.520 have any advice. I'm like, lose the necklace, lose the earrings. It's just humans can't watch

01:12:39.880 something. Also, you have all these lights on you and like all I just, it's very bright.

01:12:44.140 Totally. That makes a lot of sense. That's why they were very neutral things. It's just like a

01:12:47.860 small little thing that like no one knows to tell people or that's actually good. Yeah. It's like,

01:12:53.300 I made a lot of like wardrobe mistakes. Like don't wear heels on stage. You're going to be

01:12:57.340 limited. You're going to be worried about tea. And then everyone gets worried about you.

01:13:01.240 Do you know what I mean? So they're getting distracted from the material. Yes. We're due for an

01:13:04.720 earthquake in California. No heels on stage, but like, it's like little things like that. Yeah, totally.

01:13:08.960 That I think make a really big difference. And honestly, I'm inclined to believe you

01:13:13.440 because you're alleged. Skip the trip to Claire's before getting on stage.

01:13:20.400 Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. You're a legend. I'm like, I'm just a big fan.

01:13:25.000 Congratulations. Thank you so much. I love this. I appreciate you coming on the show and sharing

01:13:29.240 your wisdom with us. Um, I hope that was helpful. I feel like that was fucking boring as shit.

01:13:33.680 It was very helpful. It was helpful for me. If you only helped, you helped one of us.

01:13:38.240 Also just like work harder than anyone. I'm dead serious. Yeah. In comedy, if you write two hours

01:13:44.120 a day, you're already like an hour and 50 minutes ahead of the biggest comedian. Just like work

01:13:51.140 really hard. Yeah. That's one thing that's cool about comedy is the amount of work you put into

01:13:55.100 it. You can actually get out of it. That's so cool. But it takes a while. Yeah. It takes a minute.

01:13:59.680 And if you're like, unless you're just unbelievably talented, like you, that's very nice. I'm going

01:14:05.800 to receive that. I can literally see it really hard going down the brain. I know. Well, I was told

01:14:13.180 recently that when I'm self-deprecating, I'm setting a bad example. For who?

01:14:19.920 That's a great question. So I'm trying to not be like, like disagree with you. I'm a legend.

01:14:27.040 Well, yeah. Period. I said it. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Where can everybody find

01:14:31.780 you? SarahSilverman.net. WhitneyCummies.com. I'm about to do a big tour this year. And then I'm

01:14:38.980 forcing her to come on my podcast. And I will. And I'll be there. I blackmailed you into it. And

01:14:43.560 we'll be calling your prom date. Yeah. I'm getting his number. Please let my family go. Please let my

01:14:47.400 family go. I did everything you asked. Yeah. Totally. And then wherever, wherever. I don't know.

01:14:53.060 Google. Reddit. There's some wild threads. Oh, you and me both. They hate me on Reddit. They have

01:14:58.200 my face on wanted posters all over that fucking website. Oh, they hate me over there, girl. But

01:15:02.520 isn't that their thing? Yeah. I think they hate both of us over there, probably. What's the female

01:15:05.740 Reddit? Sephora.com? Honestly, I don't know. Do we have a Reddit? I don't think so. I guess it's just

01:15:11.760 in person. Yeah. It's like the bathroom at the club. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like when you and your

01:15:17.660 friend jump out of the group chat and start a new chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. And then you

01:15:21.160 accidentally text the old chat about how annoying. I've never done that before. Thank you all so

01:15:27.720 much for joining us on this episode of the comment section show. Make sure y'all go follow Winnie

01:15:31.360 literally everywhere. I know y'all know who she is. She's a fucking icon, living legend. So thank you

01:15:35.900 all for joining us on this episode. Don't forget new episodes of the comment section drop every

01:15:40.020 Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms, but the video lives for free and

01:15:43.860 exclusively on our favorite episode, Spotify or favorite platform, Spotify. She just had an episode.

01:15:49.680 This is a mini one. Thank you all so much for joining us. Thank you to my amazing guest,

01:15:55.720 Whitney Cummings, and I'll see you next week. Bye.

01:15:57.680 Bye.

01:15:58.080 Bye.

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - February 28, 2024

DOOMSDAY PREPPING Ft. Whitney Cummings

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript