The Comment Section with Drew Afualo

00:00:00.000 you know what i'm thinking of the chance the rapper song where it goes how great is our god

00:00:05.860 you know and dream is on it no well obviously this is embarrassing it has to be cut

00:00:10.220 well you know obviously i'd rather die than keep talking about that

00:00:14.440 hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me

00:00:25.100 drew and once again nobody cares about me anymore ever since we became spotify exclusive and all my

00:00:29.740 even more amazing and today is no exception we have the one the only caleb heron

00:00:35.740 now i'm glad that you finally got gay people on the show

00:00:40.880 that's all my show is yeah but i mean you know in a way i'm the first one

00:00:47.680 in a way how's it going in a way it's going wonderful i'm so happy to be here i'm such a

00:00:53.840 fan of yours i'm so happy to have you caleb's one of the funniest people i've ever met you know all

00:00:58.540 i do it gives me no pleasure to admit that but it is true all i do is can i curse on here yeah

00:01:03.460 of course thank god well all i do is run around talking about how much i love you i think you're

00:01:08.760 so funny same so here we are i sing your praises everywhere i go well look at us and thank you

00:01:14.460 who wouldn't and the checks come on time don't they

00:01:16.460 it's paid back exponentially and i pay we've known each other online for a minute now before we got

00:01:24.840 to record together i want to say it's been 25 years at least at least minimum and you haven't

00:01:30.060 aged a bit and we're both 14 so figure that out figure that out do the math on that i love being

00:01:36.080 14 it's different same it's very different because at 13 i don't think i knew the world

00:01:40.160 and at 14 i feel like i you became run it i became a woman yeah yeah blood first

00:01:46.600 she's had her blood yeah obviously i became a woman at 14 you took the words out of my mouth

00:01:53.000 there you go i'm such a fan caleb is an extremely hilarious and successful comedian oh my god how long

00:01:59.760 have you been in the stand-up world um well god i started doing comedy when i was i mean technically

00:02:05.820 i guess like 19 or 20 so it's been like it's been like eight years now oh how old are you 28 i'm 28

00:02:11.940 oh my god i'm turning 28 this year oh my god i have so much to tell you about what i'm in for

00:02:19.180 yeah in the next three or four wait how long is it me not knowing math four months four months my

00:02:25.920 birthday's in september well i don't want you to i'm gonna start by saying i don't want you to be

00:02:28.680 scared okay but you're in for a rude awakening i'm i'm 20 something changed when i turned when i was

00:02:34.640 like 20 through like i guess up until i was like 28 really my whole 20s before this i wanted to be

00:02:40.660 i don't know my intentions were so something changed on a dime i was like i want to be like

00:02:45.180 i want to be everywhere i want to be with everyone i want to be seen i want to be somebody and now all

00:02:50.420 i want to do is sit on a porch and visit i feel you i'm getting like midwestern ant pilled it's crazy

00:02:54.920 i feel you so hard i'm honestly so uh old mentally but for me i i think about it in the sense of like

00:03:04.520 sometimes people ask me like oh like what's the nightlife like like where you live and i was like

00:03:09.620 there is no nightlife where i live yeah as it should be yeah i i when i hear noise outside past

00:03:15.360 nine that's coyotes bitch i'm i'm writing in the next door app i'm like did anyone hear that

00:03:20.100 like an old person gunshots question mark question mark and they're like no that's raccoons in the

00:03:26.160 trash and i'm like okay guys and i'm like hey just so you guys know i heard something outside like

00:03:31.080 i'm being one of those yeah you're on next door doing the old woman thing and i love that that's

00:03:36.300 one of my favorite apps next door next door i'm not on there girl you should join it what's going

00:03:41.420 on that's where old people go to to bitch and moan and congregate like i just i can't get enough of it

00:03:46.700 i literally get alerts i don't have alerts for any app but i have them for that i'm surprised to hear

00:03:50.940 that you're on there because when i hear next door i'm not on there but when i think of it i think oh

00:03:55.480 the app where old white people go to pretend that they're cops yeah that's part of it and but

00:03:59.260 you're you're you're policing right along with them i'm just in there you're anonymous i'm a fly

00:04:03.460 on the wall i'm just observing okay but i i watch i watch them like they like fight like that they'll

00:04:08.980 like beef with each other on there yeah i watched this one guy go watch out like that was the caption

00:04:13.880 have to click on it yeah click right open it up little paragraph he's describing he's like there's

00:04:20.500 like at a vulture flying around my dude's like 2 p.m on a tuesday doubt it doubt it doubtful but

00:04:26.860 but i have to stay tuned to find out so then he's like don't worry i attached a picture the picture

00:04:33.360 taken from i think a toaster but at least at least 100 yards away it's like this big it's blurry as hell

00:04:43.220 yeah it's like lower than whatever like the iphone 3 was it's like before it's like early generation

00:04:49.560 it's like a nokia brick yeah and someone writes under you can't even tell what that is that's it

00:04:56.480 i'm adding the inflection but that's how i would have read it yeah that was my post yeah then he

00:05:00.820 goes i'm just trying to help and then someone says if you want to help get a better phone i'm not even

00:05:05.820 talking about hear them out hear them out listen he made a valid point i used to when i when i first

00:05:11.860 started out in comedy i joined a bunch of like random facebook groups that had nothing to do with me and i

00:05:15.420 i joined one i found one one time called uh snake owners parentheses nice people only

00:05:21.400 and i was like i got to investigate right specific specific so i joined the group and then i scrolled

00:05:27.260 way back to figure out like what is the genesis of this group and i found out the truth the t

00:05:31.360 which is that there used to be a group just called snake owners and what was happening was people were

00:05:37.380 posting their snake and being like look at my snake and then people were commenting like ugly

00:05:40.340 fat troll people were being like fat ugly bad markings and so body shaming your body shaming

00:05:49.500 the snake and so they're being fat phobic towards the snake and then so someone was like i've had

00:05:54.260 enough it's time for nice people and so they started snake owners nice people only and then one day the

00:06:00.380 group was going up about simone biles they were like simone biles simone biles oh my god i'm so proud

00:06:04.520 of simone biles yeah and so i'm thinking like simone biles did something incredible at the olympics

00:06:08.560 another big win for black women like yeah i'm thinking she did something for the culture

00:06:11.740 athlete of all time greatest athlete of all time i'm thinking like okay simone biles did it again

00:06:15.500 yeah and then i get in the comments and find out she bought a snake

00:06:18.840 and they're like she's one of us and they were like huge for representation i was like we need to

00:06:23.820 log out of the snake we're like hold on hold on it's gone a little far yeah it's gone a little far

00:06:28.740 this is too much and they meant it and they meant so some simone biles if you're out there girl i hope

00:06:33.960 your snake is okay there's a bunch of people rooting for you and snake owners only nice people

00:06:39.580 nice snake owners nice people only only uh i think the only facebook group i've ever joined well

00:06:45.120 that i can remember was right out of college i played um you know i'm broke and i don't want

00:06:50.860 to get a regular job oh no so naturally i turned to cosplaying that was a joke to my fellow cosplayers

00:06:57.700 that was a joke i understand it's for funsies i did it for money though yeah so i moana the movie

00:07:04.300 had just come out so i decided to be moana because i was like might as well if i'm gonna be stereotyped

00:07:09.720 i'm gonna do it for money right so i got added to like a children's birthday like character group

00:07:16.360 and um it's literally i i joined it because i was like oh maybe i'll find like parents who are looking

00:07:22.800 for characters or whatever um there's nothing about people trying to sell used party shit in

00:07:27.520 there i'm like they're like hey i have like three lightly used chairs and i look and they look like

00:07:33.200 they've been ran over several times and then they're like 20 dollars obo yeah and that's all it was i'm

00:07:39.040 like why am i even in this group and then some people would be like i'll give you seven and he's

00:07:43.240 like the price says 20 like they're just like arguing with each other it's like facebook marketplace

00:07:46.800 yeah but inside a group don't put obo if you don't want bo i'm saying seven's bo you said obo

00:07:53.020 right so i like how just hard out the gate he's like seven seven take it or leave it yeah

00:07:58.160 i i'm i'm i was trying to buy a couch on uh offer up yeah because like rich people in beverly hills

00:08:05.180 will put up their they're really nice couches for like they'll put up for like 800 bucks a

00:08:09.340 seven thousand dollar couch like i just want it out of the pool house you know and this woman had a

00:08:13.720 couch on there was a very nice couch i knew the brand and it was like she had it for 800

00:08:16.580 and i messaged her and i was like hey i'll give you 600 for it i'll come pick it up today yeah

00:08:20.520 and she was this is when i had moved into a new place and she messaged me back and she was like

00:08:23.720 hi so incredibly offensive this couch is worth blah blah blah and i only it's only been up for

00:08:28.940 three weeks so like obviously i'm gonna hold firm on the price and i was like oh okay i don't know

00:08:33.560 it's 90210 is the zip code bitch so if you need if you need 200 on the couch you need to talk to

00:08:38.460 someone other than me i don't know i think you have a bigger problem yeah i'm like just give me the

00:08:43.660 couch for 600 obviously i'm like a struggling artist what are you hard for the 200 you need

00:08:49.160 that money oh it's in the pool house you're good lightly used i she's like i just don't like it

00:08:54.940 anymore truly there's nothing wrong with it it just says i just don't like it anymore i love rich

00:08:59.540 people i think everything they do is iconic i love the way they behave at the end of the day

00:09:04.100 it's some it's almost always camp when they do things like that rich people are always

00:09:09.380 because they're just so fun like i love and rich people also don't know why we hate them

00:09:14.660 so they'll just be like they'll be like well if we pay the workers what they're worth we won't make

00:09:18.620 as much money and they'll just say that kind of shit out loud like they say television and i love it

00:09:23.920 i'm like that's hilarious you really belong in jail you're so funny you're like actually a criminal

00:09:30.740 yeah that's crazy yeah if i ever come to power you're dead i love how they yeah they just don't

00:09:36.580 care they're like at this point like there are some celebrities that i'm like if i could reach that

00:09:41.800 level of delusion i think i'd need to be in a hospital i would hospitalize you yeah i'm 51 50 me

00:09:48.520 that's okay i'm keeping watch it's kind of like like how um well maybe i'll see if i want to keep

00:09:53.940 this in but um it's kind of like how j-lo is like universally hated on the internet what is that but

00:09:59.620 according to her not at all nobody hates her yeah and you know what that's camp like okay yeah work

00:10:06.900 bitch i mean well in a similar i know why everybody hates you but you don't you don't you're really the

00:10:11.700 only person that should know so i guess here we are pemdos cancels out i guess pemdos and then you

00:10:16.960 carry the one and it's i'm universally loved she's like well what if i just didn't choose to believe

00:10:21.700 that yeah this is how i cured my depression by the way this is a this is a very similar thing i was so

00:10:26.800 depressed when i was in my early 20s i couldn't you know i was like oh i want to die i want to die

00:10:30.940 i was so depressed you guys know how depression is um and if you're out there and you're struggling

00:10:35.060 i don't know what to tell you but i'll tell you

00:10:37.880 i'll tell you what worked for me and that's every time i hear something that depresses me i just go

00:10:43.140 that's not true like when someone brings up climate change i go the climate's fine

00:10:46.700 and i it really works gaslight gaslight yourself every day i hear something depressing and i go

00:10:52.540 that's incorrect that i simply choose not to accept that i'm happy as a clam

00:10:57.180 just lie um please at the end of the day i love to lie delusion when we went to uh coachella this

00:11:06.220 year uh my boyfriend's brother came with us and he's um visiting like he doesn't live here so he

00:11:12.580 was like super fired up he's never been to coachella and we took him and uh we walked past somebody and

00:11:18.060 someone was like oh my gosh like to him and they were like are you um they asked are you joe burrow

00:11:23.060 and then he goes no and then he goes oh you look like him and then they're just looking at each

00:11:28.480 other and then he goes well i'm not so so and he was like okay like he was super like and like walked

00:11:35.800 off and then uh one of our friends like one of brinny's friends katie she like took a picture of

00:11:41.640 like him like billy's brother like kind of like the corner of his face and she was like oh my god

00:11:46.520 guys joe burrow's standing next to me like in vip and all these people were like oh my god no way

00:11:52.320 she goes i just love to lie yeah it's great love to lie lying is great because it helps to propagate

00:11:58.620 my worldview there you go you know so i say i just lie about things like i'll be like oh they did a

00:12:03.380 scientific study that fat guys are better lovers you know i'll just say things like this and who's

00:12:08.240 to say it's not true by the way exactly correct also you you brought up your boyfriend and i wonder

00:12:15.120 i want to i wonder do your fans know when you hang out with drew you're just gonna walk into a room

00:12:21.740 with like seven of the sexiest people you've ever seen the the boyfriend the sister the mom

00:12:27.600 it really is like family i it really is like you walk in the hairstylist you're adam yeah you just

00:12:34.420 walk in the room and you're like well i better be getting late everyone in here is gorgeous one of

00:12:39.560 these bitches is gonna fuck me drew's beat to death you know it's just like everyone in here sexy and i

00:12:43.520 walk in in like a stained carhartt t-shirt and i'm i'm like i'm like who let me in security should

00:12:50.680 take me out of here i'm gonna 51 50 you 51 50 at that part yeah i know sometimes when people meet

00:12:59.260 my boyfriend and i um they don't realize because you're really tall caleb's super tall and i like

00:13:06.100 every time they see us they're like i thought you were like kidding about being tall and i was like i

00:13:10.620 may tell a joke but i never tell a lie unless i lie then that's me like and then i'm lying

00:13:14.780 and then in that case i am lying it's all jokes and truths until i lie and then it's a lie and

00:13:22.300 write that down and i've always said that and i've been saying i've been saying that for like

00:13:27.720 years i want to say since like the 90s yeah i've been saying it's all truths and jokes until it's

00:13:33.420 lies and then i'm lying i was just talking about this um on my podcast with my sister but

00:13:38.880 i did like some work stuff and i was working with another man and he's he's probably just barely

00:13:45.720 shorter than me like he's probably like 5 10 5 11 because i'm six feet tall and so when we're being

00:13:51.840 we're being filmed like for like commercial type stuff and so they want us to be kind of the same

00:13:56.500 height and so when i was i was getting styled for it and i was like just you guys know i'm tall so

00:14:02.060 like if that matters optics wise like you might want to give me a a flat shoe or something and

00:14:08.260 they're like yeah yeah yeah no for sure and then they didn't give me a flat shoe they gave me like

00:14:12.040 heels like heeled boots that are kind of tall so i i end up being like 6 2 6 3 and then when i got

00:14:18.260 there to the shoot they were like oh you meant like tall and i was like yeah yeah so they had to

00:14:24.660 have someone go and buy me a flatter pair of shoes yeah like i was wearing like eighth grade

00:14:29.940 promotion heels bitch like you know there's like not the half a quarter they had your church

00:14:34.680 yeah a church yeah easter sunday yeah he has risen type shoes yeah yeah that's what i had on because

00:14:40.940 i was so tall that it just it we look like twins they had to be twins they had to put you in the

00:14:46.960 how great is our god 11

00:14:48.080 by the way that's the name of that song right oceans you know that song oceans what's the name

00:14:58.380 of that song they always play it at like hill song is it oceans look it up i'm thinking of you know

00:15:03.000 what i'm thinking of the chance the rapper song where it goes how great is our god you know and

00:15:09.180 dream is on it no well obviously this is embarrassing and has to be cut

00:15:13.020 um well you know obviously i'd rather die than keep talking about that

00:15:17.180 i've uh been watching chance the rapper a lot on the voice do you watch the voice no i don't watch a

00:15:25.040 lot of tv i did not know he was on the voice yeah he was on the voice this season i like him i think

00:15:29.620 i'm the only person who's been watching this season but it's great yeah it's just me by myself

00:15:34.340 it's you alone yeah i'm doing promo for them and they haven't hired me yeah that's crazy

00:15:38.580 i lived in chicago right after acid rap came out oh i love acid rap so great i had it on soundcloud

00:15:47.120 because i was um too much of a brokie to have a spotify now i have a spotify congratulations oh my

00:15:52.120 god thank you so much that's huge i really love spotify me too you me both they're doing incredibly

00:15:58.740 good work far superior to other music carriers but you know what we don't like fat phobia

00:16:07.080 speak for yourself oh my god okay so okay hold on wait hold on really quickly because my sister

00:16:21.540 actually reminded me before we move on i have two things i want to say to you first one the first

00:16:25.780 tiktok i ever saw of you that made me laugh so hard i peed a little bit uh was when you were saying

00:16:31.540 how people always comment on your weight yeah they're like what you you said in the video what you need to

00:16:36.500 remember is that my life is better than yours period and it always will be period yeah i i could

00:16:41.440 gain i could lose weight i could gain more weight and i would still be infinitely happier than you

00:16:46.980 bitch i could go brendan frazier in the whale mode i could be i could be scooting myself around

00:16:52.400 with a little thing and you would still not have the life i have believe that believe it men on the

00:16:58.100 internet come on this is the this is the thing about men on the internet who want to report to me that

00:17:02.380 i'm fat yeah they like to tell me that i'm fat first of all it's like my whole career i own a

00:17:08.080 house because of it bitch like that's point number one i believe that and believe that and number two

00:17:13.780 they love to do it they love to tell you like they're just reporting the news you know what i

00:17:17.140 mean like it's like i'm just this is just the facts and it's like okay so then when i talk about

00:17:21.180 the fact that you wish you were a comedian which i am and you don't even make the people at your

00:17:24.720 part-time job laugh then we don't care about journalistic integrity anymore no all of us all of a

00:17:30.620 sudden the truth telling is off the table so what happened there then it's just mean well then it's

00:17:36.980 hateful yeah i can't bring up that you're five four yeah now i'm in trouble you're telling me bitch

00:17:41.920 so what's yeah i just that's why i love your stuff so much is because well i love you for a lot of

00:17:46.640 reasons and one of i mean your content is obviously so specifically delightful to people who have ever

00:17:52.540 had to deal with these kind of dudes but also like i mean you know we don't have to go super far

00:17:57.620 into it because i don't want to get us off topic but the thing i love about you is that

00:18:00.200 you treat these guys the way that they treat us yeah and also i think you convinced or like

00:18:07.540 taught a lot of people on the internet that like there are people out there like us yeah who are

00:18:12.760 women and queer people and people of color and we exist in bodies that are not size zeros

00:18:16.720 and we're not losers yeah the the portrayal in the media of people who are not thin as losers

00:18:23.180 yeah there is not a single part of my life that you could look at and go loser yeah what i mean

00:18:28.480 but these guys would love for you to believe it yeah they do it's like the speaking of gaslight

00:18:33.780 like that's like the biggest gaslight ever is i'm convincing that like the world are trying to

00:18:38.440 convince people that they'll never truly be happy unless their body looks a certain way yeah which

00:18:43.000 i'm like i don't have time to be looking at this money man too busy collecting a check off that

00:18:47.520 back knee filled back bitch let me tell you something i'm busy i don't have time your back's

00:18:54.600 looking like the surface of mars and you want to talk to me about looks you want to talk to me about

00:18:59.860 being fat also i the the number of those kind of guys who come to me and and act like i don't get

00:19:06.700 laid that's crazy first of all i your friend let's start there ask him your best friend go ahead

00:19:12.080 and ask him he's dl on grinder and we've been together okay that's going steady we're going

00:19:17.140 steady he pinned me we're going to the sock hop me and him we're an item we go together i'm wearing

00:19:24.100 his letterman's jacket i wear his letterman's jacket yeah okay i ride on the back of his bicycle like

00:19:28.140 this i got a little helmet on your face facing this i'm holding his waist bitch

00:19:32.860 he writes love songs about me and you write love songs about him because that's the other secret is

00:19:39.680 these guys are all in love with their friends girl they hate women they really do they hate women

00:19:44.560 they absolutely do i talked about this with uh bob the drag queen but i saw these two horrible men

00:19:49.940 like horrible horrible horrible talking about um how disgusting they thought it was to like um

00:19:55.720 eat pussy like they oh i love when these are two allegedly straight men yeah really homophobic men

00:20:02.300 transphobic and then they're like so disgusting like vaginas are so gross yuck and then they're like

00:20:08.700 second dick that's different not that i would know yeah not from experience yeah i'm just assuming

00:20:16.740 yeah because i'm straight it's every day with these straight guys being like i hate eating pussy but for

00:20:23.020 a thousand dollars would i suck a dick it's like no one asked you're inventing scenarios for a grand

00:20:29.640 now i know things are tough

00:20:31.080 i said for a grand for a grand now i know it's not looking good at least babe negotiate

00:20:37.400 love yourself not not a thousand dollars after taxes by the time you pay the team and the taxes

00:20:44.080 a thousand dollars net but there's no team is there

00:20:46.280 but there's no team is there

00:20:49.520 someone retweeted it and said i'm being so serious this is not a joke have either of y'all ever thought

00:20:56.600 about actually sucking a dick for real yeah i think you'd be into it it's a good time i love

00:21:01.480 sucking dick i if i have a free minute i'm you know if i've got a break in my day i look at my

00:21:07.240 schedule so i'm not even kidding but sometimes i'll have a day and i'll have two hours in the

00:21:10.260 afternoon and i'll go we should find a dick to suck why not i could on the way home giving and

00:21:15.660 getting head you said i could i could get my steps in give my head by the way on the way to the next

00:21:21.260 place and i'll make my next business meeting i'll be on zoom from the from the jet to the truck to

00:21:26.860 the hotel lobby to the boardroom to giving head you know busy day it's a business ladies lifestyle

00:21:33.240 and prerogative and that's the true definition of a girl boss the true definition of a girl boss

00:21:38.400 yeah i'm hesitant to say that giving head is the definition of a girl boss i think that might be

00:21:42.980 more your lane yeah i think i should probably stay over here i feel you but i think yeah yeah

00:21:47.000 i think men are so easy it's like ridiculously easy to give head anyways it's hard to give head

00:21:54.560 to women because you have to be good at it yeah you give i i could just like stare at a dick long

00:21:59.340 enough and it would ejaculate yeah if i just like really i've come a couple times since we've been

00:22:05.320 like mine powers yeah i'm just being in just i mean it's so easy for us there you go and it's not

00:22:10.440 like that for people with vaginas it's different it's really not it's harder it's a skill that's why i'm

00:22:15.400 gay i i tried i tried i chose to be gay i chose to be gay which people do and it is here's you can

00:22:24.380 choose to be gay and it is a sin and you know it's just easier this way i thought of the other thing

00:22:32.180 that i wanted to ask and tell you i saw about you was your post when you were in the new jurassic

00:22:37.560 park movie and how they they were interviewing you and they cut from you to watch was it terry

00:22:45.220 cruz get out of the car yeah and he wasn't even dressed up and he wasn't even in the movie he

00:22:50.280 wasn't in the movie he wasn't dressed up now by the way this is my first red carpet i'm in jurassic

00:22:58.580 world bitch and you can write that down as well literally in the movie like actually yeah is it

00:23:03.100 for 35 seconds that's nobody's business but the point is but you got that sad card bitch but i got

00:23:07.940 the sad card that's all that matters and i i am being interviewed about the movie and uh you know

00:23:13.480 doing jurassic was so fun because i'm the director is a friend of mine and he let me like name my

00:23:17.760 character and rewrite the scene with him and like really got to work on it in a super cool way so i'm

00:23:21.500 excited to be on the carpet talking about it and they're of course bringing up pov videos which i don't

00:23:25.240 like being on the internet i'm not really even on there that much anymore yeah personally but they're

00:23:29.400 bringing up the pov videos and i'm being a good sport about it and then immediately i watch the

00:23:32.600 video back after i get home that night and it's like they put me they put me in a small corner in

00:23:37.180 the bottom being like yeah so the new jurassic movie is like it's really powerful and then it's

00:23:42.040 terry cruz getting out of a car he's not excited to be there he's not dressed up he's wearing jeans

00:23:46.300 and a t-shirt bitch and he's not in the movie he wasn't even looking at the camera no and then they're

00:23:50.840 like terry cruz just got here they're like announcing him walking i'm in a

00:23:55.180 suit and tie do you know how embarrassing and so i guess there i said earlier there's no point

00:23:59.300 in my life you could point to and go loser a lie when they cut to terry cruz a lie that was again a

00:24:05.720 lie it's all everything i say is the truth until i tell a lie and then i'm lying yeah that was your

00:24:10.860 very first carpet for like a movie you were in that was my first carpet i had been in things before

00:24:14.720 that i had been in a couple of tv shows and stuff but that was my first film premiere oh cool yeah

00:24:19.560 my very i was just literally on the way down here i was uh talking about how my very first uh

00:24:26.140 movie premiere i ever walked was for the movie ambulance don't know if anyone saw it

00:24:31.780 i'm trying to think of it i saw it's a michael bay movie oh okay it's based on a true story

00:24:38.800 it's basically like two two guys are like down on their luck they need money they commit a robbery

00:24:44.880 and then they hijack an ambulance and it has someone in there that got shot and they're like

00:24:49.920 hijacking it and there's a nurse in there and she's trying to keep him alive and like

00:24:53.080 supposed to be like a what do you call it suspenseful yeah tale as old as time

00:24:57.200 you know when that happens every time i've ever been down on money i've said i see an ambulance and i

00:25:02.160 go i might i might hijack that bitch yeah don't tempt me i might take that and do something with a

00:25:07.360 nurse it's nice to have a safety net yeah that's my safety net it's just good to know yeah it's

00:25:12.040 like if everything went wrong i could always hijack an ambulance i'll just turn into jake

00:25:15.380 gyllenhaal and i'll just rob a bank oh if i was jake gyllenhaal the way you'd be wreaking havoc on the

00:25:21.360 world it wouldn't be robbery i'll tell you that i wouldn't be the only thing i'd be stealing his

00:25:25.860 hearts if i was jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal there i'm actually gonna cry because there's a

00:25:32.960 picture of him that's so hot do you know the pit did you see southpaw is that what the picture's

00:25:38.780 from no i don't even know what that is was he in that some jake gyllenhaal fan no that's not what i

00:25:44.760 said what i'm a fan of is hot guys i feel you and i like to see him on the streets i feel you i like

00:25:52.120 yeah he's so hot i mean hot guys as long as they don't speak it's it can be so perfect yeah it's once

00:26:00.300 they open that gob they start to talk and you go huh no

00:26:06.280 well i went to i went to ambulance and i was really nervous because it was like my first like

00:26:16.460 real red carpet premiere and um i took my boyfriend and when i go up like my publicist

00:26:23.280 like she couldn't come with me so like they gave me a random person there and she's like

00:26:27.060 she pulls out you know they hold like those little cards with their names on them um hers was

00:26:31.980 like maybe this big don't know how anyone's supposed to see that but that's okay it looked

00:26:37.060 like she pulled like a receipt out of her purse and like wrote it down really quick and then was

00:26:40.320 like here it is so she's holding it like this she didn't so she didn't tell me not to hold my bag

00:26:45.520 or take off my jacket so i'm just like full like fully excited i don't know shit about carpet so i'm

00:26:50.180 just walking and she's going like this and she's going oh no oh i guess they don't want any

00:26:54.240 no oh i guess i don't want any like she and she's saying it out loud hey i don't need the updates

00:26:59.280 yeah i can see them go yeah i don't need it moving along yeah and so we get and then finally

00:27:05.920 someone she's like oh these people want one like yeah take pictures so i'm like standing there

00:27:10.120 smiling they take like maybe a couple yeah then everyone starts getting like like oh like everyone

00:27:15.380 starts setting up everyone starts flashing and i'm like period right like i'm like okay well now

00:27:19.640 you bitches are awake no um turn i turn around and jason momoa was next to me yeah and then they're

00:27:26.120 like move bitch get out of the way hey hey move move they're like what was her name again drew can you

00:27:34.540 move i can't read your sign but whatever it says move you're beautiful do it over there so if i ever

00:27:43.060 meet him i'm gonna tell him i have beef with jason momoa for two reasons yeah the first is aquaman

00:27:48.380 um ruined my life for a couple years because he bears a passing resemblance to my boyfriend

00:27:54.480 when that movie came out white people couldn't be stopped no everywhere my boyfriend rent they were

00:27:59.980 like you know who you look like they were literally like can i take a picture with you and they know

00:28:05.160 that's not him yeah they know yeah he's in a 24-hour fitness yeah like that's not him it's not jason

00:28:11.200 momoa no and they're like i still want a picture though and he was like okay and my boyfriend hates

00:28:16.620 attention so he was taking pictures all the time then i thought okay i can make this into a bit

00:28:21.520 so when they come up and they're like you know he look you look just like jason momoa i go oh my god

00:28:26.100 i get that all the time like i just interrupt and then every time i said that nobody left i would

00:28:32.820 laugh not one person left i would laugh i said damn swing and a miss also here's what i'd like to say

00:28:37.480 to white people and the list is long but i'll keep it short first of all hello it's me your fellow

00:28:43.620 white uh when you find yourself wanting to say do you know who you look like to a person of color

00:28:49.620 bottle it maybe keep it in don't because it's not gonna do what you think it's gonna do ever

00:28:55.200 ever ever never you're gonna be wrong or you're gonna be right and it's gonna be like they know

00:28:59.600 and it's like either way you just as a white person can you just as a white person can mind

00:29:04.660 your own business they used to tell my boyfriend he looked like maui from moana which is like so far

00:29:09.100 from the truth it's not even funny yeah and i was like well no then i got mad with that one i started

00:29:13.720 being like he doesn't he's just a big brown guy and you've never seen a big brown guy it's all right

00:29:18.200 you can say it correct it's all right white people we really have to y'all the brand is in trouble

00:29:25.440 and it's been for a while yeah your pr team's working overtime uh days and nights days and nights

00:29:33.120 adderall and red bull they can't get off the phones and it's like all we have to do is shut up

00:29:38.460 or speak about what you know like i'll talk about being fat and gay all day long but when it when it

00:29:44.700 comes time to talk about issues that affect black people watch me that's it taking notes that's it

00:29:52.060 learning i'm learning well i'm doing the work and i'm i'm i'm that's it i'm doing the work pretty

00:29:59.160 much it i'm the yeah i'm the best white person there's that's out there but the one thing that

00:30:05.220 you and i have a lot in common is fat phobia in the sense of being it being used against us

00:30:10.960 we're perpetuating it all the time yeah yeah me and you are going out and yelling at fat people all

00:30:14.980 the time wait wasn't your um your tour was called glorifying obesity or something glorifying obesity

00:30:20.440 yeah yeah i'm about to do like 20 more studies for that do they do they um tell you that on your

00:30:26.240 socials and stuff that you're glorifying glorifying i've heard that oh people love to tell me i'm

00:30:30.280 glorifying obesity and i just that argument never makes sense to me it it does it does to me i go

00:30:37.920 i go yeah i get i mean i guess it is it to me it's not as big of an insult as they think it is

00:30:42.860 because they go you're glorifying obesity and i go so you want to be me i'm glorifying something

00:30:47.860 you want to be you're saying i'm so mad i make it look good yeah like well i don't understand

00:30:52.360 like what is even the i'm glorifying obesity okay then then gain some weight if i'm making

00:30:58.780 it look so glorious then catch up i guess you're behind i don't know on everything mostly rent but

00:31:04.620 a lot of other things as well but mostly back taxes i mean yeah you owe the irs before you talk

00:31:10.220 to me and then you owe me some weight yeah people the glorifying obesity thing is so funny to me i

00:31:16.360 mean all of it is so funny to me yeah because i go i'm good same i'm good i i get people asking

00:31:23.240 me a lot like you know how do you deal with people like calling especially comments about weight like

00:31:28.500 they're like how do you not let that bother you and i was like it just doesn't yeah it doesn't

00:31:34.180 bother me when people comment on my weight because i'm just so rich i guess

00:31:39.100 it's i don't know it's spacious in the building what can i say in the sprinter it doesn't really

00:31:46.540 matter yeah they load me in there they dangle food in front of me and i walk right on

00:31:53.020 roll myself up there yeah i just i tell them i'm like because nine times out of ten the men saying

00:32:00.880 that to me are such fuggos so like it doesn't when ugly people try to tell me things i'm like

00:32:07.280 whatever it is you said i'm not listening to it yeah i didn't absorb one thing you said

00:32:12.720 it does i mean i will say look does it do i take it to heart ever no but i think there is like a

00:32:19.420 there the times that it gets me sad it does make me deeply sad sometimes and the times that it makes

00:32:24.060 me sad all bits aside is like i get sad thinking about the sheer volume of it and the sheer like

00:32:31.500 because when you're on the internet this is why i don't really do the internet much anymore is like

00:32:34.380 yeah not that i uh that the comments upset me but that i'm just like i don't really want to

00:32:39.920 participate in this volume of people uh taking my ideas in any type of way yeah i feel you i'm kind

00:32:47.560 of that makes me uncomfortable but the the volume of it i go oh there's so many sad people out there

00:32:52.140 yeah and what starts to make what starts to make me sad is not that they think i'm fat or

00:32:55.700 unattractive or whatever it's like i don't care you're not my target audience for anything for

00:32:59.900 comedy for sex yes for friendship for anything anything at all but what makes me sad is that

00:33:05.900 you walk around the world being so upset and hurt and replaying that trauma on everyone that you come

00:33:12.100 across yeah that you're just making the world the worst place yeah and also that you are hurting the

00:33:17.320 feelings of people who aren't me yeah exactly because there are people who you're saying that

00:33:21.540 in your life that are not confident or doing well or enjoying like it which is why they ask too yeah

00:33:28.900 i think because they're they're like if that were me i wouldn't be able to handle that which is fair

00:33:34.440 and valid i don't think many people could to be honest i i tell people ever since i started doing

00:33:38.580 this i'm like this is not for everyone like specifically not just like being in the industry

00:33:43.700 of entertainment as a whole but like being like a social media person is like first is not for

00:33:50.480 everyone it's not everyone's uh cup of tea it's not what everyone could handle um because it's a

00:33:56.500 lot and that's why i tell people that well first off with with the fat comments like fat's not a bad

00:34:02.280 word which i've told people many times i'm like it's uh an adjective and nothing more it's not there's no

00:34:08.240 um negative connotation to it to me so it doesn't hurt me like i took all the power away from it because

00:34:14.900 i understand in unlearning my own fat phobia that it's not a bad thing to be fat like and i saw them

00:34:21.080 in the the tea at the end of the day with men who say shit like that is like they've been taught their

00:34:25.700 whole lives to hate themselves if they look a certain way and then they see people who look that way or

00:34:31.980 look in a much different way living their lives and they're healthy and happy and in love and successful

00:34:38.140 and that drives them crazy because they're like i've been taught to hate myself this whole time

00:34:42.920 i kill myself in the gym or whatever that it is they do to look a certain way and i'm still deeply

00:34:48.640 unhappy and this person doesn't do that and they're happier than me and i know that's the truth because

00:34:54.460 i process through my own version of it yeah like as a fat person you have to process your own fat phobia

00:34:59.020 and your own i've when i was when i was 17 18 and like you know trying to lose weight all the time

00:35:05.120 and going on all these diets and not feeling confident and hating who i was and not feeling

00:35:09.080 like i would ever be attractive or sexy which was the unattractive and unsexy thing about me at the

00:35:13.440 time by the way yeah the the thought that i couldn't be yeah when i was in that space i would look at

00:35:18.340 other fat people who weren't feeling the way i was feeling and go oh you're like i would be repulsed by

00:35:23.540 that yeah and i because i because of internalized fat phobia i would be like ew the fact that you don't

00:35:27.260 hate the way we are is like you're not you're not as smart as i am you don't see what i see

00:35:30.960 yeah so the work that i have put in to undo those things in myself that have been given to me by a

00:35:35.680 an extremely racist and classist and up misogynistic fat phobic society yeah the that undoing work

00:35:43.660 only makes me more certain that that's what's going on with the people who are still there

00:35:47.300 yeah absolutely you know and it's like it comes from so many different places but like everything

00:35:52.340 in our society fat phobia comes from racism yep it's like it comes from racism it comes from white

00:35:57.280 people seeing literal slaves yeah with curvy bodies that were different that were from different

00:36:02.880 continents and going oh that's disgusting because those people aren't human yeah it comes from the

00:36:07.820 dehumanization of people of color yeah and so it me up even more when i see when i see white people

00:36:13.080 participating in any bad behavior i go right yeah that's what white people do it's it's the white

00:36:18.520 prerogative yeah because of white supremacy yeah when i see non-white people engaging in it when i see

00:36:23.820 non-white people engaging in those things i go oh you you can't know you can't know where this

00:36:29.580 comes from yeah no you must not be knowledgeable well absolutely and i've and i've even had

00:36:34.100 conversations like that before on my takes like the few times that i'm like not being like i suck my

00:36:39.680 wiener um and i'm like actually trying to like like make valid points like those are the videos i get

00:36:44.820 you're actually kind of smart i'm like well just because i tell people to eat my ass doesn't mean i'm not

00:36:51.020 smart but that's besides the point um i've had conversations about how everything is tied

00:36:55.980 together at the end of the day like white supremacy racism misogyny homophobia transphobia all of that

00:37:01.780 every single hateful thing that happens in society can be traced back to the very earliest forms of

00:37:08.040 bigotry at the very like inception of this country and this government like the world in general uh and

00:37:15.040 the few times i have said that they're like why do you always bring up race and i'm like because it

00:37:18.520 fucking matters like plays a huge role and i've talked about how with me and my content like

00:37:24.900 how if i looked a different way like the things that i say would be received a lot differently

00:37:30.000 than they are because of what i look like and how i'm built and everything and they're always like

00:37:34.600 that's not true you're just hateful and i was like well that's not entirely true because i've had

00:37:39.820 a white girl in the past she's like stolen a lot of my jokes i had to block her it was like a year

00:37:44.960 and a half ago but she like literally was saying the exact same insults like verbatim my jokes my

00:37:50.740 laughs like literally everything she just like did it like she just copy and pasted my video into her

00:37:55.780 own way and um every man in there was super supportive they were like hey you know what tough

00:38:02.700 but fair hey yeah i love a good rap she got him at the end of the day i love a joke yeah i it you know

00:38:09.340 what you gotta learn to laugh at yourself and for some reason that courtesy is never extended towards

00:38:14.240 me so and i was like that's literally honestly when that happened that made me so angry but at the

00:38:21.160 same time it made me feel good because it validated me like it validated it proved me right and i'm a

00:38:26.740 virgo and i love to be right yeah so this also this this what you're talking about uh this like this

00:38:33.440 the the theft of not only content and jokes which is yeah the theft of writing yeah but also the

00:38:39.500 theft of persona and personality and cadence and style is a huge problem with the internet because

00:38:44.940 the internet traffics in twitter trafficked in a certain version of it and tiktok has taken it to

00:38:49.060 a whole another level but the internet exists in memes and virality yeah and those are things that

00:38:55.660 can only be virality is a little different but memes inherently require existing uh source material

00:39:02.860 and shared knowledge yeah and so this problem with the internet that i have a lot of times in

00:39:08.140 terms of comedy is that so much of it's whack and horrible yeah and the reason that comedy on the

00:39:12.540 internet is so often whack and horrible is because it's almost impossible at times to like build a

00:39:18.400 following or go viral with original content yeah because well a lot of people lack originality of

00:39:23.220 course that's like an original sin of it but then like also the internet like so much of tiktok

00:39:27.720 specifically is like formats and trends and yeah dances and like things that already exist it's just

00:39:34.400 your take on the source material yeah and there are people who do it creatively yeah it's not new

00:39:38.760 yeah except for your stuff and you created a whole lane on that app that really is one of the only

00:39:43.740 things that makes that app worth it for me oh thank you and you created that lane because i think

00:39:48.300 and i've been telling you to do stand-up yeah and if they leave this in i want drew's fans to tell

00:39:52.340 her to do stand-up because she's a stand-up like she's literally a stand-up comedian just go do the

00:39:57.300 thing please but i think the the best in my opinion the best comedians in the world are the

00:40:03.500 best communicators and the best communicators a lot of times people think oh that's because

00:40:06.880 they're the best speakers but i think actually it's because they're the best listeners yeah and

00:40:11.100 i think the thing that's brilliant about what you do and why people have latched on to it so much

00:40:15.220 is not just the obvious stuff like we like seeing men put in their place yeah that's like the network

00:40:19.240 exec version of it that's the simplest thing yeah what's really going on is that you are

00:40:23.560 listening better than a lot of people to what these guys are actually saying because what they're

00:40:28.400 saying is you're fat you're ugly you're glorifying obesity you're uh you're shamu whatever the fuck

00:40:33.560 they're saying to us yeah but the if you are listening and not just hearing what's really going on is

00:40:39.220 the fact that you went out of your way to say that to me on my page right here when i'm taking down

00:40:44.320 someone who is actively being hateful and awful is that you want to keep me in my place yeah and

00:40:49.180 that there's a there's a different thing going on with the levels of power of that yeah that's

00:40:53.080 listening yeah you know what i mean yeah that's why you're brilliant t bitch and if this gets cut

00:40:57.420 i will kill myself because it was a nice compliment no that's for sure staying in no that's staying in

00:41:03.940 keeping that in thank you i think i think too like um i've talked about how when they're like i wish you

00:41:13.520 would go about it a different way i wish you would be you know what i mean nice or whatever first of all

00:41:18.560 i'm like no real change in this world has ever been brought about by being nice that's one

00:41:22.160 especially when you're talking about oppression and i was like but to like men like this especially

00:41:27.740 they don't even really care about what it is i said i mean yeah they do care to some extent

00:41:33.820 but the bigger like problem and issue they have is that i don't care what they said yeah like what

00:41:40.720 they said didn't affect me literally at all um but what i said affected them and they they can't

00:41:45.740 comprehend like when they say like i would never someone like you and then i go same and then

00:41:51.920 they're like what is that supposed to me why would you say that to me what they're like i can't i don't

00:41:58.140 want to you but i can't believe you don't want me to you yeah it's like an entitlement that they have

00:42:03.060 to women yeah that's what i was like it's an entitlement to your feelings your emotions your thoughts

00:42:07.080 like everything about you they feel entitled to even who you're attracted to they're like i'm never

00:42:12.620 going to be attracted to you but you have to be attracted to me because i'm a man yeah wrong by

00:42:17.460 the way wrong incorrect untrue the the the i don't like the way you go about it thing is like

00:42:25.260 so counterproductive it's like why don't you just latch on to the fact and connect with me on the

00:42:29.400 fact that we both want the same thing which is yeah if you're truly if your only issue with me is

00:42:33.380 that you don't like the way i go about something then let's just agree that we both want the same

00:42:37.220 end goal and be happy because it takes all kinds yeah one person who i think is exhibiting like such

00:42:43.320 grace in a situation i can't even imagine is dylan mulvaney the way that dylan processes the

00:42:49.680 level of hate that she receives for absolutely nothing from transphobes yeah who don't deserve to

00:42:54.200 breathe oxygen yes period the way she handles that with grace and kindness and love i think is so

00:42:59.580 inspiring number one and number two it will never be me yeah i am never going to process someone

00:43:05.220 coming at me with that kind of hatred with kindness same i'm gonna you up because i i don't

00:43:10.260 relate to that same i just don't want to same and so it's like i respect that and i love it and i have

00:43:14.660 so much admiration for it same but if you want to point out that i'm fat on my page i'm gonna point out

00:43:19.940 that you work at a gas station you know what i mean and it is what it is and it is what it is

00:43:24.260 let's just call it even and there's nothing wrong with that we all we both did our best we did today we

00:43:29.740 both showed up you clocked in and i clocked in we did what we had to do we had fun and we're still

00:43:36.720 good friends i hope i hope we can still stay friends after this i hope every man who's ever

00:43:41.740 insulted me i hope you know that i love you and i'm showing you tough love i don't and i'll make

00:43:48.940 sure you know that and that's what and when i had dylan on this show we we talked about that too where

00:43:53.260 we we talked about how like she's kind of like my tether yeah she's like the my the good version

00:43:58.980 of me when they extracted good and bad dna i'm the bad one and she's the good one yeah because we

00:44:05.920 like handle hate in very different ways but that's why i've told people before when they said like i

00:44:12.000 would never handle it that way then don't i'm not telling you how to handle bigotry yeah i'm showing

00:44:17.260 you how i handle it yeah so how i do it is not up to you but if you feel entitled to that

00:44:22.840 white supremacy also that's by the way and also that's an extremely fun hypothetical you've created

00:44:27.560 when you have eight million followers and the level of in your process and the level of hate

00:44:32.500 that drew is processing give me a call let me know give me a call and i and i've even said to like

00:44:37.680 at that point it's like okay then it you have so much to say and so much critique about how i choose

00:44:43.320 to do it and what are you doing besides critiquing me yeah that's i was like you guys aren't even in

00:44:48.340 the game but you want to tell me from the stands how to play right that makes no sense so that's

00:44:52.600 i'm like why don't you get in here and do something about it then if you feel like you

00:44:56.260 have a much better more efficient and not harmful way of handling it by all means go handle him do

00:45:00.980 it lace up the gloves they're like well see i i don't want to make content like that oh then shut

00:45:06.240 the up how about that cool glad we're on the same page i have a question for you sure do you ever

00:45:12.680 have a desire to obviously like i hope not in some ways because i'm a fan but do you ever have a desire

00:45:20.360 to just like shut the phone off delete the accounts go off the grid be done with it like

00:45:24.480 when you does it ever get you to a place where you're like i'm actually good on all this um

00:45:30.220 sometimes yeah i think i'd be lying if i said no yeah um i think my goal ultimately is to like move

00:45:38.100 into really serious forms of media the show the show's one of them um my book is another one i want

00:45:43.720 to get into like tv and movies i want to try stand-up even though that scares me i really want to try

00:45:47.820 stand-up i'm like not afraid to go into a movie but i am afraid to do stand-up people are terrified

00:45:52.880 it's a uniquely terrifying yeah it is but i just have such admiration for stand-up comedians i just

00:45:58.100 i love stand-up comedy i always have so that's why i'm like i don't want to find out the hard way

00:46:02.900 that i'm not good at that i'd rather live in ignorance for my whole life than find out i think

00:46:08.400 i might be good at that yeah i could i could maybe and i'm not gonna find out i'm not no i will not

00:46:13.940 that's so relatable yeah and uh i think in those ways like i i think that's why i've tried to prep

00:46:20.180 my audience to like as i get more and more busy or move into other projects like you guys don't

00:46:25.900 always need me to do this like i feel like i've given you enough tools at this point and you guys

00:46:31.080 are more than capable of doing it without me you guys did it before i'm sure you'll do it after so

00:46:35.240 that's kind of the only time i think to myself like that would be really nice if i didn't have to

00:46:40.380 make fun of terrible men all the time yeah it's and it's mostly too when i see even like there was

00:46:46.700 like a period last year like every two to four weeks new white guy comes on tiktok.com downloads it

00:46:55.280 finds me goes like i think i have a really unique take on this bitch and they're like she's fat she's

00:47:01.760 ugly and she's so mean which believe it or not i can't even tell you how many videos white men have

00:47:07.380 made about me like that saying that exact thing and um when it was like a point in time where i was

00:47:13.000 constantly having it like i had a new guy every other day like making a thousand videos about me

00:47:18.300 tagging me getting hundreds of thousands of comments a day telling me what a horrible person i was

00:47:23.840 like talking about my looks like blah blah blah in those times i was like damn this like is exhausting

00:47:29.980 having to like fight a million little men all at once like it's exhausting having to do it and

00:47:36.640 having to like defend your character all the time from people who don't know you and also are like

00:47:42.240 misogynistic it's just insane i'm like why am i arguing with a bigot i'm not going to

00:47:47.360 like it's bad faith too yeah that's the other thing is it's not just arguing it's arguing with people who

00:47:52.080 are dead set like committed committed on misunderstanding you yeah and the the other

00:47:58.600 thing about it the crazy thing is they will beg for wrath they will like beg for your contempt

00:48:06.380 they'll beg for you to be angry with them and mad at them they'll say the worst shit in the world to

00:48:09.320 you and then when you give it to them they're shocked and so it's a unique form of gaslighting

00:48:14.920 where it's like you there's no world i don't care how stupid you are and you are there's no world

00:48:19.800 where you thought saying this to me would elicit any other response especially you at this point

00:48:23.220 it's a brand yeah there's no way you thought anything other than when you posted the video

00:48:26.540 of a fat woman working out and we're like shirtless and being like i wouldn't smash there's no world

00:48:31.880 where you didn't think drew might find this seriously so why are you mad some men would tag me in their

00:48:37.000 videos like literally they'd tag me and be like i don't care if you see this and they'd tag me and

00:48:41.820 then i'd make a video about it and then they're like she's such a big account why would she talk about

00:48:46.960 me she's dogpiling she's dogpiling i love the dogpiling accusations why would she post me on her

00:48:53.380 public account like that well i don't know you tagged me i thought you wanted me to see it i

00:48:57.640 thought we were having fun i thought we were besties it literally is like i hate that shit when someone's

00:49:02.880 like when when on when on social media i'll go i'll go after someone who was really mean to me or

00:49:07.080 someone i like oh my god on twitter and they'll be like all the time on twitter oh my god and they'll be

00:49:11.260 like you're dogpiling this small account and i'm like yeah they they they brought a gun to the party not me

00:49:15.780 yeah they're getting dogpiled and i hope it's a bad day for them are you kidding like it's funny

00:49:23.540 because no i don't care are you asking me if i care i don't i do not oh i don't the only thing

00:49:28.120 i care about is when i when i when someone's horrible and they have a small account and i

00:49:32.060 uh quote tweet them into hell or whatever the only thing i care about is i go i gave them some clout for

00:49:37.340 the day yeah that bothers me yeah whether or not they had a bad feeling about it is like

00:49:41.360 obviously not they're mean yeah dude i i had a guy on on twitter so i tweeted about going to the

00:49:49.160 pro bowl well i posted like some tiktoks about it and of course every straight man that jerks off

00:49:54.380 during nfl season like non-stop was like what are you doing there whatever right a real unoriginal

00:50:02.180 stuff but one guy tweeted me and was like um i guess they needed more people on the o-line

00:50:07.840 which i've like explained that joke to my audience i like it was like yeah i'm a football

00:50:13.540 fan and i gotta say the girls and gays are not picking up no no no yeah i actually got a i i made

00:50:17.480 a video about it once because um i posted like a gym video like me just like looking cute and a lot

00:50:25.500 of dudes were like oh you like because i said um tell your man to put me in a uh defense or at

00:50:31.820 tight end for your fantasy football lineup this week hilarious joke if you like sports during

00:50:37.080 football season if you're a sports fan yeah sports anyone and so um all of them were like

00:50:42.320 more like o-line and i explained in a video i'm like this is a fat joke because offensive linemen

00:50:47.940 are typically the biggest boys on the team and they're being like you're like a big fatty is what

00:50:52.760 they're calling me and i was like but the hilarious part about that is that your o-linemen don't score

00:50:57.460 points in fantasy right so it doesn't make sense right you're an idiot why do i know your culture more

00:51:02.960 than you do right like so when i was tweeting about the pro bowl same shit right same song

00:51:08.760 different day and this one guy was like get up get back on that o-line and i go and look and like

00:51:15.660 the way he's built like he's built like an o-lineman great so then i bet you look like a sinner so i

00:51:21.800 retweeted it and i said with you or and so then it that one went viral and then he was like f**k you

00:51:28.400 f**k you like he just has like a tantrum and he goes i was an all like all american

00:51:33.380 offensive lineman and i was like i knew it so clocked i knew it so the joke landed then so that

00:51:43.800 and also the other part of that is if you remove the fat phobia from it yeah what is the joke tackles

00:51:48.740 are the most important players in the nfl because they protect your quarterback also an offensive

00:51:52.100 lineman like in the nfl like biggest strongest which is muscle fastest like that's why i'm like

00:52:00.000 you guys your joke doesn't even make sense yeah like someone told me like more like a defensive

00:52:04.520 lineman and i'm all defensive linemen are like six five two eighty like two percent body fat chris

00:52:11.260 jones runs like a four eight forty that's i was like you're telling me i'm so handsome and so in shape

00:52:15.360 you're telling me i'm a franchise player it's so embarrassing because this is the thing you claim

00:52:20.400 to love and i'm better at it than you and i only like it in passing i posted like a promo on tiktok

00:52:26.120 once like talking about that i'm like whenever they say that it's like a compliment like you're

00:52:30.400 telling me i look more athletic than you and also like as someone someone people make up a big majority

00:52:35.220 of the nfl uh and so i was like i could literally walk onto usc right now in this outfit and get picked

00:52:40.940 like i would make the starting starting lineup and then usc athletics comments on my thing and they're

00:52:47.180 like yeah we'll definitely put you in and i was like certified bitch wrapped up certified

00:52:52.900 that's what i thought i'm leading y'all out the tunnel next game

00:52:55.800 this is the other thing too is these people they they love jokes they say they all they always claim

00:53:02.660 to be comedy fans it's a joke i love jokes especially dark humor oh my god they love dark

00:53:06.960 humor dark humor but it's a bad joke even not even fat phobia withstanding it's like to just say

00:53:12.740 d-line and not say nadamican sue like write a specific joke bitch yeah like as a joke writer

00:53:19.400 i'm offended that's why i said i'm like i'm like in order for a joke to be funny it has to make sense

00:53:24.720 right like literally like it has to it has to make sense it has to be topical like it like paint me a

00:53:31.520 picture like lead me there have some syntax you know just a just a pinch you know backload your joke

00:53:38.640 put the funniest part at the end use more consonants in certain places than others like

00:53:43.380 write a joke bitch you're like oh on the o-line o-line that's you you didn't even say offensive

00:53:49.360 line that's why i said it's and you didn't even name a position on the offensive line yeah i mean

00:53:54.240 it really is embarrassing it's specificity it's specificity like i i told i when i was uh um on a

00:54:01.640 different podcast i had told this like the one and only thing someone's ever said to me that was

00:54:05.560 meant to be mean and it was pretty mean like it does like she really got me um although i think

00:54:11.860 it was a man he like he just told me i looked like the pot of greed yugioh card which like the

00:54:17.080 picture he was using he got me listen at the end of the day listen at the end of the day you got me

00:54:24.060 like i'm gonna take that yeah i'm gonna hold on to this i'm gonna take it home this is for me

00:54:28.240 this is for me this is mine yeah and i'll hold that forever i never forgot that but he just like

00:54:33.580 it was like on a twitter thread about me and all he wrote was pot of greed nothing else yeah he

00:54:39.020 wasn't like this fatty blah blah literally just that that tweet had so many likes rude but then i

00:54:46.380 thought to myself i was like it's almost meaner that he said it like drive by yeah like he's like

00:54:51.880 hey you're ugly by the way anyways back to my normal life i don't know what her name is but she

00:54:58.140 looks like this really ugly teapot yeah that's mean you got me you got me i always remember the

00:55:03.440 good ones i always remember because like i said i'm a joke writer and i will respect the craft until

00:55:08.740 the day i die that's i was like honestly you kind of ate me up with that one hey you got me when

00:55:15.300 someone told me on twitter that i looked like lgbtq russell from up yeah that ate me up the little

00:55:21.820 boy from the up cartoon yeah you ate me up with that one because i i do look like gay him and

00:55:26.000 and hey i'll take it and who's to say he wasn't gay in that movie and who's to say who's to say

00:55:31.680 the uniform is giving a little something isn't it it's gotta be a little sweet who's to say maybe

00:55:36.420 bye on the weekends maybe that's you that's that's maybe you're him grown up maybe maybe yeah bye

00:55:44.680 when he grows up we can't talk about he's a kid in the movie but when he grows up maybe he's by on

00:55:51.840 the weekends in case you didn't get that in case yeah keep keep keep up yeah ontario the wait is

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00:56:57.960 any other good ones i i try to think sometimes oh my god when they like really did get me it's so

00:57:04.560 rare it's so rare that i get a good one and i i i do a joke and uh there's an old joke i have that i

00:57:10.040 do in stand-up where i talk about the the nature of insults that i get and i go call me fat is so

00:57:14.640 boring i've known that for a while the most embarrassing thing about me that you guys need

00:57:18.020 to do your research yeah when i jump into a body of water i still have to hold my nose like this

00:57:21.560 if you bring that up in an argument it's curtains for me you know what i mean i'm out a guy a guy told

00:57:27.680 me a couple like months ago on the internet he replied to me and he had like 17 followers on twitter

00:57:32.140 and he decided he wanted to go toe-to-toe with me and he said um he said i don't know about the

00:57:36.620 rest of you guys trying to like rally other people in the comments never gonna happen he goes i don't

00:57:40.800 know about the rest of you guys but this guy looks to me like he broke into a bakery and ate all the

00:57:44.360 pies and i went it's so soft i mean i'm like you're not you're you're so far out of your league i

00:57:53.740 want to reply and be like i'll kill you with a gun

00:57:55.180 you're soft ate all the pies like like an 18th century limerick i will kill you to death with

00:58:05.540 like you're not i'll literally murder you it's not fair it's not fair you just tweet his address

00:58:13.080 i'm serious you're it's child's play for you're in the sandbox bitch i'm at the gun store

00:58:18.560 it's like girl what someone once wrote um an insult to me like they were so mad at me

00:58:26.160 and they wrote an insult and then they at the end they wrote checkmate

00:58:29.660 mic drop

00:58:32.340 they just put a gif of you dropping a mic boom yeah it's like a gif of emma stone from like 2014

00:58:41.720 like on the tonight show yeah going like that yeah i went there well go somewhere else bet you

00:58:48.500 didn't see that coming yeah that's like he literally wrote checkmate not a gif and i said

00:58:52.960 i don't i honestly don't know what to write back to this i'm not playing chess i'm playing murder

00:58:58.100 i'm gonna kill you i said i tweet his address at him yeah yes you swat him please

00:59:04.920 don't make me swat you

00:59:07.960 don't make me don't make me tweet the address of the quiz knows you work at

00:59:14.160 because i will because i will because i will i've been to that dick sporting goods i know you're in

00:59:19.920 there i hope they have it in my size because i don't want to make your day worse i love when they

00:59:26.580 like that's so funny it looks like this guy broke in and ate all looks like this guy broke in and ate

00:59:32.020 all the pies i'm gonna have sex with your father

00:59:34.620 broke in and ate all the pies your father's gonna be eating a pie yeah that's for damn sure

00:59:41.280 yeah i'll make sure of it why don't you break your mouth into my asshole

00:59:44.540 and lick my butthole you loser broke into a bakery and ate all the pies

00:59:50.620 i'm sick and he thought he was william shakespeare

00:59:54.940 he's like anyone else i don't know about the rest of you guys trying to rally my fans

01:00:00.740 he also anyone else everyone in the replies to my shit is my fans

01:00:04.760 i do that all i can't even i'm like hey you're in the wrong neighborhood bitch you're gonna get

01:00:11.080 jumped roll the windows up and lock the doors because there are hundreds of thousands of mentally

01:00:16.200 ill baristas that are ready to mobilize whenever i say the word okay alfred's finest there are girls

01:00:23.540 that were if they're not the boy genius concert they're at my mentions and they will fight you

01:00:28.540 if they're not seeing lucy dacus they're in caleb's comments section and and the doc martins are

01:00:34.820 laced up the mary james and they're ready to fight for me and they will i've got she days that are

01:00:41.120 shooters so you need to be careful because the guys from auto zone are not doing the same for you

01:00:46.560 no they surely are not they don't they don't do it like that at the best buy believe it the genius

01:00:52.340 bar inside best buy by the way and so you're in danger i love i love when they write stuff like

01:01:00.200 that oh it like tickles me pink i don't know about the rest of you guys i do know about the rest of them

01:01:04.300 and they love me and you can try to rally them they pay my mortgage what if i showed up to your

01:01:10.220 house with a gun what if right now what if i have a katana and i show up and i show up to the

01:01:19.660 unemployment office when you're there for your show

01:01:21.240 what if i come down to the y when you're playing basketball you're sitting on the sidelines of the

01:01:34.500 pickup game because you didn't get picked because your jump shot's trash and what if i come down

01:01:40.060 there what if i came to the planet fitness right now then what then what are you doing

01:01:44.560 what if i come down to the planet fitness while you're doing the stairs on high intensity

01:01:48.960 you're getting that in body for free at crunch fitness what are we gonna do then

01:01:56.640 holy fuck dude oh my god those are my favorite what if i come find you you can't come find me

01:02:03.540 because the twitter camera's in the shop isn't it isn't it when you soup up the hyundai come and

01:02:09.380 find me it's not gonna go well for you the scion i literally i tweeted this one guy um he had like a

01:02:16.980 a tweet go like viral but for like awful reasons but he was like i'm i'm never gonna go against my

01:02:24.380 genetic biology like it was like a whole it's it's a hunting picture yeah a dead zebra a dead zebra

01:02:32.060 yeah he felt real threatened by an herbivore go figure but he's like i'm resorting to my like

01:02:38.640 it's like that transphobic like toxic masculinity it's very like i'm not gonna be anything but a man

01:02:46.200 yeah and he's like standing in front of a dead animal yeah and it's like a little video and he

01:02:51.660 has like a church outfit on like he has like a white linen shirt yeah tan like chinos yeah and like

01:02:59.460 boat shoes you look like you're at the sands resort bitch it's like you look like you just came

01:03:04.480 from like your nearest worship like he's leading worship you know what i mean but he's like one of

01:03:09.160 those like 20 year old pastors that dates like underage girls for sure that's what the vibes he

01:03:14.440 was giving and he was like i was like does your genetic biology teach you how to iron a shirt like

01:03:20.520 this shirt was so wrinkled and then i was like what and i said record yourself running a 40 yard dash

01:03:26.220 and i'll tell you if you would survive in the wild expeditiously yeah get on it set the camera up

01:03:32.200 set it up and run as fast as you can as hard as you can whenever i say that men get so mad at me

01:03:39.600 they're like why don't you run fatty i'm like i wasn't bragging about being able to survive in the

01:03:44.420 wild i don't have to prove that yeah scientifically i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't survive that quick

01:03:49.460 quickly and by my own hand yeah yeah do you think you would survive in the apocalypse situation no i

01:03:55.220 think i would you think so not because i'm fast and strong that's the other thing is they they only

01:03:59.280 think about it as like i'm gonna outrun i'm gonna out fight yeah i'm gonna organize i'm gonna get like

01:04:04.220 i said i'm gonna get i'm gonna get the she days i'm gonna get the bisexual white women and i'm gonna

01:04:09.560 we're gonna take over a clean water source and i'm gonna run that shit like the army

01:04:13.300 you better believe it and i won't ever have to do they'll never be blood on my hands i feel that

01:04:20.680 i'll be sitting on a throne as king while my girls handle the business people come over and say we

01:04:27.480 want some clean water and i go talk to stacy i think for me when i talked about the apocalypse i'm

01:04:34.100 literally like i'm not surviving because i'm most likely killing myself yeah i'm i'm going out like

01:04:40.580 have you watched this is is it this is us last of us last of us the last of us have you watched

01:04:45.580 the last of us i have not okay well there's i won't without spoiling they do have a character

01:04:50.500 that kind of like he's um what do you call the ones where like they have the snake that ben franklin

01:04:55.960 drew they're like libertarians oh the it's not proud boys is it they're not proud boys they're

01:05:01.020 not like conservative they're like the ones that like anti-government anti-party anti-everything

01:05:04.820 yeah they're very like doomsday prepper like the whole government's corrupt everybody's

01:05:09.440 watching you like one of those yeah um he's one of those guys so he preps for the end of the world

01:05:14.180 so he his neighborhood he like makes it into a little compound and i won't tell you what happens

01:05:19.100 at the end but that's what i'm doing yeah i'm staying put right there i'm building my little city

01:05:23.980 and when the time comes i'm offing myself yeah the way i want to go out done on my own terms yeah

01:05:30.240 and that's a she e o mentality i'll decide when i go not god a hero it's funny that those biological

01:05:39.980 those guys that are like my my male biology what god wanted a man to be it's like you think so little

01:05:45.520 of god he he created you and gave you no desire to like ask a woman a question or read a book

01:05:53.620 he only created you to like hunt and run you're sick and good luck surviving now in that like with

01:06:01.000 with just those bare bones skills like right you need something else this is the this is what's

01:06:07.200 going this is what i'm saying about short men right now too the leg lengthening surgeries that

01:06:10.220 short men acting like they're victims of genocide brother you're five six you don't need longer legs

01:06:15.600 you just need to like have a favorite album or something like a hobby get a hobby or interest ask a

01:06:21.120 woman a question and then listen to the answer yeah you know you'll be i've said that so many times

01:06:26.080 you know what's funny too is like my boyfriend once like some random guy like tried striking

01:06:31.340 conversation with him because unfortunately for him he looks very approachable to men who are awful

01:06:36.720 yeah because he's so like masculine looking or whatever they they look at him i don't know how

01:06:42.340 they'd be checking him out but he was talking to him and he got on the subject of like he was

01:06:48.560 in the mindset of like wanting to convert to like um i think muslim faith and he was like oh that's

01:06:56.320 that's cool right and he's like yeah you know because i heard that they can have a bunch of wives

01:06:59.920 always that's where you lose me so he wants like a harem like that's like his idea he's like i'm gonna

01:07:05.700 have multiple wives you know so i could spread my seed this is like from him verbatim so i could spread

01:07:11.500 my seed like god wants me to right to like create more life and like these evolved like the way he

01:07:19.460 was talking about it sounded like he was on drugs but it was like two in the afternoon on like a

01:07:24.880 wednesday so i i don't think they were in the gym yeah and my boyfriend was like what like and he was

01:07:31.920 like just out of curiosity do you know anything else about that faith or is that did you kind of check

01:07:36.460 out after you read that part also you do know that well i'm still learning i'm still learning i'm

01:07:40.560 still learning yeah but i do know that i get to fuck a lot of people so i'm in it for that it's

01:07:48.620 telling it's telling that that's where you started learning and that's where you stopped learning that's

01:07:53.400 where you stopped and also do you know that you don't have to abuse islam to have that lifestyle

01:07:58.480 you can abuse christianity to have that that's what my boyfriend you can use any religion that's

01:08:02.620 like you don't need to be religious at all you could just be a whore yeah you could just be also

01:08:06.580 a misogynist that's available to you like a misogynistic man i don't many of them do that

01:08:12.800 but when we were talking about it my boyfriend told me i was like in disbelief because i know what

01:08:16.700 this guy looks like yeah and he's like i'm like okay let's just say let's just say that the

01:08:22.740 government goes to shit whatever happens happens and then they're like we need to recreate man we need

01:08:28.340 to pick the best specimen to create life like the strongest version of human they're not picking

01:08:35.460 someone who's five three like and he's balding already and he's 23 that's not a joke like he

01:08:41.800 doesn't shave it enough so i see it like five o'clock shadow on the head babe like but cul-de-sac yeah

01:08:46.860 like half court and so i'm like why would they pick you like you have an underbite they're not picking

01:08:53.040 you you're not the specimen babe those genetics they're failing they're not picking you like in

01:08:58.760 no form of of like eugenics are they gonna pick you you're not the one you're not i can't understand

01:09:04.220 when you walk your toes point out they don't want to pass that down not they don't the like movement

01:09:10.800 to have sympathy for incels i'll never understand same i'm not gonna i'm like i don't feel bad for

01:09:15.840 you if you're a if you're a man in 2023 who can't get pussy i'm never gonna be there with you

01:09:20.900 because i know that if i was a straight man i'd be doing okay you know like because i am curious

01:09:25.620 and ask questions and like overall a nice person yeah i'm like i don't i don't understand how you're

01:09:31.140 not getting laid at all because also the the most beautiful wonderful amazing women are so often with

01:09:37.840 the ugliest mother who just like brings the groceries in like my brother you there is so little you have to

01:09:45.700 do to bag a true supermodel no actually though and you won't even do it and you can't even do it

01:09:50.880 that just not even that that's why i said i'm like if they're not picking you you have you have

01:09:56.760 astigmatism like that's you're out you gotta work on it you know what i mean you gotta work they think

01:10:00.980 they think of themselves of like the early stages of captain america like you know when he's like

01:10:05.940 they photoshopped chris evans head on like a really tiny man yeah they're like that's me like and then

01:10:12.080 they're gonna pick me and they're gonna juice me and i'm still gonna be me inside and i'm like you're

01:10:18.340 not it's the you inside that's the problem no that's the inside that's the problem you're the

01:10:22.600 one who tries out and gets vertigo and passes out and they cut you loose early that's you

01:10:27.160 but you don't even make it yeah that's it's like there are so many there are so many great like

01:10:31.940 when i say like you're five three or you're balding or i say you work at the gas station or

01:10:36.360 whatever there's nothing wrong with any of those things if you're a nice person exactly because

01:10:40.820 you're mean i gotta talk about it it's free game at that point right i love a lot of people who

01:10:44.960 work at gas stations because they're cool and you're not one of them bitch and you're not one

01:10:48.560 of them being working class is awesome but not the way you're doing you're awful yeah and then it's

01:10:53.440 not because i'm always telling the truth or joking until i lie until i lie and that's and that's the

01:10:58.640 theme because when i lie i'm lying i'm lying when i lie i'm lying and it's but ultimately i do like

01:11:04.840 to think when i lie it's to service a greater truth which is also a lie which is a lie

01:11:08.940 okay i think that's gonna do it for episode uh did you have fun yeah dude

01:11:17.320 i would always i came in here blast that's the hardest i've laughed since i've been filming this

01:11:22.480 i totally annoyed the people who work here too they're like you can hang out in your green room

01:11:25.220 i was like i think i'll just sit and chat with y'all they're like well we actually have work to do

01:11:29.600 thank you so much for coming on the show i love you man it's mutual i adore you you're the funniest

01:11:37.300 person alive where can everybody find you well i'm online sparingly at caleb says things

01:11:42.800 on instagram twitter and technically tiktok uh but follow the instagram yeah and well if this is

01:11:48.520 out by july and august i'm gonna be in a bunch of cities touring so come see me live yes i'm better

01:11:53.240 live please go see caleb live i see your clips online but i have to come see you in person come

01:11:57.620 out absolutely have to come see you anytime babe i'm so excited please go support caleb please go

01:12:01.860 follow him and please go see him on his stand-up comedy tour it's gonna be amazing

01:12:06.800 thank you so much for joining us today thanks dude i adore you thank you everyone for watching

01:12:11.360 and remember you can stream new episodes of the comment section every wednesday exclusively

01:12:16.500 on spotify i'll see you next week bye

01:12:19.100 you

I ONLY TELL JOKES AND TRUTHS Ft. Caleb Hearon ｜ Drew Afualo ｜ THE COMMENT SECTION EP 69

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