MOVE IF YOU’RE GAY Ft. Ian Smith
Summary
In this episode of the comment section, we are joined by the legendary and hilarious ian smith aka ian is ugly aka , aka , and to discuss all things social media.
Transcript
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oh my god the worst is when you're like with someone that's like freaking out yeah and you're
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like literally when people are like oh my god that's david henry from wizard of waverly place
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and they're like crying and you're like bitch we are at a super goop sunscreen event like you have
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to calm the fuck down like please go get a free margarita and some sunscreen and handle yourself
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in the bathroom like go get in that photo booth and relax
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hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me your fave
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who cares about me nobody cares about me anymore on to the guest today we have the iconic the
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legendary the hilarious ian smith also affectionately known as ian is ugly true um and i'm not saying
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that's your handle for having me i know ones of people have been asking for this episode
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so many people thank you so much for having me and i just want to say something before we even start
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and i'm going to look right in the camera when i say this to the audience do it if you are watching
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this and i say something funny here's what you're going to do you're going to screen record it and
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put it next to a video of slime or someone cleaning out their iphone oh or the smushing one yep or
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uh iphone game where the goal is to wax a hairy man's leg so please we got to get the clips out
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there i want to see i want to see me talking next to iphone games that's got it that's an order in
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fact just make a girl's dreams come true it's actually homework you know what's funny is they
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just recently started doing that with my show oh really i see it all the time yeah they started
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recently putting like clipping my show and putting it next to like those little like cylinders that
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like go in and they smush that or something oh i love all of it i'm very into like brain rot right
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now i love uh do you know the guy can you go back now are you saying words to me yes so basically
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it's a piece of fried chicken that sings cotton eye joe there's also a hamburger and there's like a
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whole storyline i got very high one night and i watched a 30 minute compilation and there's like
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a storyline to it and so like chicken to to the piece of chicken and basically they're like in
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the south and also nick avocado avocado is trying to i know him and then they have to like gain ranks
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to like pass and some of this is within the 30 minute video no it's just like oh it's a whole
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there's there's like a compilation okay you're you're world building for me yes okay go on i wouldn't
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even know how to spell that if i tried you can just just look up brain rot and it will come right
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up i'll just go on your likes or your whatever i can send you some oh please do you can absolutely
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that you know i literally i send my friends like actually like 30 instagram reels because i'm really
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on the instagram reels train you're really into reels i have i love reels i think reels it's weird as
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hell over there it's amazing but it comes with like a moral dilemma because there's some people
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that it's like they don't know that everyone's making fun of them i know that's t i was just about
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to say i see some absurd things on reels and i'm like okay like i saw this one this girl like took
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this video of her husband and he was like just walking in front of her doing something going and
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looking at a plant or some shit and then it has like text on it and like a song behind it
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and she wrote my husband and i struggled the first like three or four years we were dating because
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um he told me he was in quotes struggling to ever be attracted to me physically did you saw that one
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and then there's like the way i went on a deep dive yeah i had to it's so good i was like well
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obviously click there's so many i like i like bother britney so much because i literally i'll send
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her something she won't even react to the video she'll be like three likes because like the video
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will have three like there's this one girl shout out her she's in rehab right now i love her her
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name is android influencer okay and she's um an upcoming rapper okay and she goes to open mics in
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new jersey or like jersey city and wraps her ass off period and you're just a big fan i'm a big fan
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like those are like i don't really freak out about celebrities but i have like my my like
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like do you know stitch lover forever 2000 of course i do mg shout out mg i followed stitch
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lovers whole relationship drums i was in there do you know what that is i don't know okay it's
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like a tv show that it's a tv show with her and her ex and this is like an actual tv show it was on
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youtube but the storyline is insane like one of the girls like for some reason in the story
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she trigger warning she had like she was her character self-harmed so bad that her arm
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fell off okay but her arm was still on like it was just written into the story
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so like i have like she's just kind of sitting there with her arm to the side and we're just
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not and you said i'm locked in i'm watching all no yeah there's only four episodes though because
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they broke up and then it damn don't you hate when that happens did you see her um when she spilled
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orange soda all over walmart and that's making a stitch lover yeah of course i did yeah of course
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i did too good i love shit like that like oh i'm all up in there like no one gives a fuck i do yeah
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i absolutely do when everybody cares like like you know the like who did i marry part one remember that
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oh yeah yeah i watched the first like i think two and then i was like i think i think i got the gist
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yeah there's this girl do you know the girl um she works at target and she's like i am so down for
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this today and she's like in the break room she's like i'm back baby she just does that every time
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well she deactivated for a while and she just came back and i literally saw i was like it my dreams have
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come true the best fucking day of my life he said my wish came my wish had come true no i like i have
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like an obsession with like that type of influencer like i am still in the wonderland system mainframe
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like i followed the wonderland system before they went private bitch i get to see bunny i get to see
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sayori i get to see all of them chilling like i felt that way about stitch lover i was like if no if
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this bitch has no fans i'm dead for real i'm literally fucking dead like i have to watch i have
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to it's so there was one girl i used to watch i wish to god i remembered her name because i would
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shout her out but she was like this just this average white woman but she was married um and she
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lived in florida she just recently moved to florida but she was like super into disney which is like
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okay basic but this girl she would wear the exact same outfits every time she went she always went
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alone and she would collect these little stuffies and she would tie them to her outfit oh and she
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just like always went alone she always went to the exact same rides she went to the same food she
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knows what she likes yeah she she doesn't deviate she doesn't like change she said i'm going on buzz
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let your space ranger spin and i'm getting a try i'm going on the toy story land slinky roller coaster
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and i'm getting tachos from toys or toys land or whatever the fuck and that's all i'm doing
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and i would watch that bitch like my life depended on it i'd literally look her up and
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like on the search thing and i'd go catch up with my girl you just you have to and she was so normal
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and so like i think it's because she was so far from anything i could ever be yeah i find people
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like that fascinating that's like the best is when you find there's like some gems on youtube and it's
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like youtubers that have been making videos for three years consistently and they have 80 views
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i love it i love it me and my friend mckenzie recently we like hung out and we just watched
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our favorite like secret youtubers that we watch there's this one it's like it's like well this
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guy's popular it's like beg for it jay and he teaches like um like how to get a submissive girl
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and like he has this girl and he's like this is kitten and she's like hi daddy and he's like these
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are my rules and he's like you wake up when i tell you to you eat when i tell you to and in public
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you have to call me daddy or i'll hit you and i literally was watching it he gets her in public
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i was watching it and i was like oh my god and the craziest part about all this is the girl is like
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i love it she's like she's like no i love it it's great for me it just works and he gets to fuck
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anyone and i'm just kitten and she like sleeps in like a crib or like a cage oh my god she just
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likes her little life something about reels like i i totally i find people like that on reels all
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the time oh yeah oh my gosh you know it's been my new thing it's like when i see you don't like
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those books like the acatar books like thorns or roses whatever i don't like by the way i lied i'm
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sorry what is that like fairy they're like a really popular oh is it like the big heads like you know
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when it's like a history book and it has like the really big head on the history book i see that on
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twitter maybe i'm wrong i don't know what that is but i got back to what i was saying like the
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they're basically these really popular books and they're about fairies and the fairies be
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they fuck each other in the books right and then there's other series too there's like
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there's other ones there's like about there's ones with dragons there's ones with elves like there it's
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a whole thing right which is fine t love it if you love fairy smut books period bitch do what you
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got to do i would support you what's crazy is that these books have they have such strong fandoms which
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is typical right but within these fandoms they do fan art which is again typical but they literally
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there are people who create this fan art mind you these are books they have no movies they have no
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tv shows so it's all just up to the imagination obviously and so they create what they think they
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look like and they paint them in these scenes that are in the books but they also paint them
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fucking each other but they put that shit on patreon and they're like if you want the nakey version
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you want to see peepee and you want to see you gotta pay you gotta pay you gotta pay for this
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fairy pussy and it's none of it's real like none of it's real there's no audio there's no video
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they're literally it's just illustrations yeah like or really bad ai art which is so funny to me because
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like they'll have really sexual ar ai art and like blur out the genitals and they'll be like
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unlock for the spicy version on patreon of course i have oh did you get it look i didn't subscribe i
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didn't pay for the patreon but someone else i know did and she was saying can i have some
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screenshots after this i will literally text you she was sending me she goes i'm gonna unsubscribe
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this isn't worth it the comments are like i came once
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this fairy's tits were small but like really like this uh my nut was real mid from this picture
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literally yeah and i'm not kidding like sometimes i'll go in the comments and it's not the obviously
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not the dirty versions because they're on and now my whole entire explore page is just that oh yeah
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because i have to keep looking every time i see i have to look so then i go in and look in the
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comments and when they do like their interpretations they'll literally write like what scene it's from
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like in the book whatever oh and then underneath they go everyone please be nice to me this is my
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first time illustrating because in the comments they are mean as fuck girl they're literally writing
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shit like he would never look like that he's so much bigger than that his dick is way bigger than
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that like this is a horrible picture they're mean they like they rate the like fairy drawings yeah
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they're like that is fucking but they fucking like they uh cyber bully like they get mad they're like
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he would never wear that he would never wear an open toe sandal with that outfit he's wearing jordans
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yeah he would never wear some gay open toe sandals are you kidding me you would never have a sandal on
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that's amazing it's so i find that fascinating did you ever have like an era before this where you were
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trying to do social media like before it like hit off um my sister and i made youtube videos
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but i we said it was because we were like oh what if we became youtubers but honestly looking back i feel
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like we only did it because we just like i'm just like want to perform so like we would just show
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them to each other and laugh our ass off and never promote it no yeah same i i like i had a youtube
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channel when i was like 13 actually this is it wait yeah i want to get into your lore of the internet
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because you have a long-standing history on the internet yes yeah um so i had a youtube channel
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i was always obsessed with youtubers when i was like a kid yeah i mean my creator for a long time y'all
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if you don't already know yeah i've been in the world for a minute posting my random shit like
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everywhere like i have some accounts that i i'm like i need to get this deleted right now
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it's not like bad but it's just so embarrassing it's embarrassing yeah yeah so i had this youtube
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channel when i was like when i was 13 and i was like on it like every single week i would post
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something i would be like what's in my bag tag like like clean my room with me and it would be like
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like i would just copy what o2l was doing and it got o2l tbt who remembers my sister really liked
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o2l too i love them but it took a really dark turn when i was um making my youtube videos because
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okay so imagine this i'm 13 i'm making my little content and there used to be a way that you could
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dm people on youtube and so i get a dm okay from this girl cassandra and she's like hi my name is
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cassandra i'm a really big fan and i was like i was so fucking excited she was like i'm a really big
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fan but sadly i have cancer and i was like oh my god this is so sad yeah and she was like i really
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want you to do a special challenge for my birthday it's called the egyptian footstool challenge and i was
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like this is weird yeah and she was like so just invite over a friend maybe a young boy your age
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and then have him get on his hands and knees and take your socks off and wiggle your toes in front
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of the camera for four minutes and she was like it was what if it was um okay well spoiler alert it
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anyways um so i do this egyptian footstool challenge i call my friend you did it i'm like
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i have a fan and she has cancer come over now the way that you're like prime like
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pray for that oh i was i was fucking i was like i have a fucking fan i need to wiggle my toes
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so he's like there i'm like hey guys welcome back to the egyptian footstool challenge i'm wiggling
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my toes my god ian i hit upload and that video got a thousand views and for me that was that's your
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one video big fucking deal for the next three weeks i had more cancer patients lined up than
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saint jude's children's hospital because my dms my dms hi my name is alex i have a brain tumor i was
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like oh alex has a brain tumor ethan you got to come back over and lick put it off my toes
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i was making foot fetish content week after week and you had no idea and it was getting
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and you were still 13 yeah oh my god i was like hey guys you're just asking for more toe shit again
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so here we go and then one day i get a dm and the title is hard on for toe boy
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and i open it and it's a picture of an old man's penis and he's like keep wiggling your toes kid it
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gives daddy a big heart on and i was like nude too i was a nude it was attached and i literally was
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like cassandra isn't real and she doesn't have cancer what the fuck i thought i had a whole huge
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fandom of cancer patients but they were just saying that they had cancer because like if because one
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person told them it worked well yeah if you tell a 13 year old hey i have cancer can you do this for
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me i'm a fan and like they could feel did you say that in the video too oh yeah oh i was like shout
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this year so that was my first experience that was my first experience on youtube
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you're like i took a really dark shirt you were right that was the darkest turn i could have
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possibly taken yeah i was so disappointed because the videos got so many views i was more sad about
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that which i was like you're like you know what i know i'm being taken advantage of but i respect
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the craft till i die literally i wanted the attention to so bad i was like please put me on
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digital y'all what's the one that sean mendes was a part of mad con mad con i'm like yeah mad con
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mad i got the toes for the job go check my footage check my tape it'd be really interesting
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sometimes i wish i could go i could go back in time but as me and go as me now i want to
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love to attend mad con yeah did you ever go to any of those girl what do you think i went to one
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wait can i can i be vulnerable for a sec sure wait you'll have to you'll have to blur and bleep
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this what i'm gonna say i went to i went to fucking
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i'm not kidding i've never told anybody here this the way that shame is coursing through me
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yeah the way i was like i honestly i this is me also being vulnerable i've always thought he was
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gross and weird so i i caught the vibe early but i did go to that shit i'm not kidding i went to that
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shit how was it first of all did you get inside no girl i got i stood in the sun like everybody else
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like all the other plebes who got sunburned yeah and then my my boyfriend was with us and uh my
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sister was with me and then uh his brother came he just joined us because he wanted to
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and then we stood in the sun sweat um my brother-in-law got severely sunburned never got inside
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left that's fucked yeah so that was the one thing i did go to i honestly forgot i went that's literally
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fucked up that's probably my shame just coating my brain trying to hide it from me to be honest
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i made my mom pay like 200 to go to digi fest i got vip my mom my mom i like meet like ricky
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thompson you are the perfect person to go to that shit yeah and my my mom was like i just spent 200
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for tickets by the way it was at the biggie in massachusetts i don't know if you know what that
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is there was like free seating that i kind of just used like and literally wait what was the 200
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i did the meet and greet and i met like some of the mad con boys i met like trevi moran
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and they were fucking doing the what's in the box challenge like on stage in front of a crowd of
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people and my mom was like i got scared are you kidding me and i literally was like i'm so anxious
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to meet these people and my mom was just sitting i think ricky thompson went on stage and like lip
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sync to anaconda by nikki minaj nice and then they did what's in the box challenge with all the
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mad con boys or were all of them it was like a couple oh and sam pepper was there girl i don't
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want to get into that a time a key he was there wait do you not know he's there above this of course
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i do okay of course i know i was like okay that was me being funny that was me being ironic i don't
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ever want to meet that guy i did meet him and thoughts he midnut he said that my car
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he's a bad person who cares about him yeah he like is a streamer now i guess that makes sense
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for his journey i i genuinely believe that you are like the perfect person to have lived through
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those eras oh yeah because besides the fact that you would remember it all you also want to
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participate oh i wanted to be it yeah you get the full like i was so jealous i wanted to tour with
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o2l so badly like it was my fucking dream it was i'm so mad who was your favorite no 2l i loved
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i liked jc jc caitlin yeah yeah i met him recently and like like a while ago and i kind of was just like
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i don't i don't care anymore yeah now that you're an adult i like i genuinely the only person i would
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freak out if i met was stizzle over forever or anne hathaway like anyone else and honestly those
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two are so much alike right like i just i don't really give a fuck about like celebrities like that
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yeah it's really sad because i was a personal assistant for a while and it disillusioned you
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yeah really it did were you a personal assistant for like a creator it was for uh quen blackwell
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oh okay she's the best i love oh love but you get to meet all these like yeah people i'm sure
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no yeah it was it was it was a vibe i've told people before i'm like because sometimes fans when
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i do like hosting gigs and stuff they'll be like i can't believe you don't get nervous like how do
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you talk to these people and i'm like i promise you if you met them like you would not be nervous
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yeah they're weird it's really like i feel like you kind of just have to do it like three times
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and then once you do it like after three times and like you meet the person that you're super excited
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about it's kind of just like it's not that great i freaked out when i met taylor swift of course
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well i freaked out when i met beyonce that's but like it's like that's one of those things where
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it's like it's someone that you never thought you would ever meet they're like aliens to me like
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they like don't exist like amongst the same i thought the same thing i was like beyonce is
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someone that really actually and only has starstruck me and that's because i'd never in a million years
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i would ever get to meet her on a personal level yeah at all like not even at a meet and greet or
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anything like that so i never thought that would ever be possible for me so those are different and i
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know what you mean i like put them on a whole nother tier yeah they're like she's like a greek
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god to me yeah she's not real no she came down from olympus to come hang out with me for half a
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second and went back so like that's different but i just mean any celebrity really i was just talking
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to someone on the show about it i was like they're weirdos like if you hang out with them in a social
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setting like they're weird oh my god the worst is when you're like with someone that's like freaking
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out yeah and you're like why are you crying over that like literally when people are like oh my god
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that's david henry from wizard of waverly place and they're like crying and you're like bitch we
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are at a super goop sunscreen event like you have to calm the fuck down like please go get a free
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margarita and some sunscreen and handle yourself in the bathroom like go get that photo booth and relax
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it is so embarrassing it's like it's really just like it's funny because i i feel like the people
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i've taken the only people i take to anything are either my boyfriend or my mom and sister like
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it's there's no in between and like i feel like in the beginning i feel like we'd be like oh that's
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cool like yeah that's crazy i think the one time my mom was like oh my gosh i can't believe but she
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wasn't freaking out was when we saw steve martin because we saw him at an only murder that's like
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a that was the only one where my mom was like oh my gosh i can't believe it and we nothing happened
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like she was just like that's crazy that's fair yeah he falls to her knees and cries in front of
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i actually met david de luise which played the dad he played the dad oh have you seen the picture
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what picture it's like of him like with his like full ass out in the mirror and he's like
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yeah have you seen those should i find it are they real yes wait one second the way that ian is
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literally i'm not even kidding you're like someone who's embedded so deeply in the internet oh it's
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like a pull from anything for anyone it's a lot you know every
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we'll add it in y'all just kidding there's worse ones as you can see there's there is like a lot
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worse ones and i won't show you um where did those come from my my camera roll
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i just looked up wizards of waverly place dad butt photo
00:24:11.420
don't look that up y'all unless you're over age obviously
00:24:21.020
he literally i worked with him on something but my mom like when he met me he was really nice but i
00:24:30.180
told my mom i was like oh he played the dad on wizards of waverly place and then we we did like
00:24:35.140
we shot something like for hulu together oh nice yeah so we like we're on like it's like a full
00:24:41.180
fucking crew it's like a huge set it's it was this whole thing and i felt like i don't know it
00:24:47.340
just felt so strange i'm all what the fuck am i doing here i'm sitting next to the dad from wizards
00:24:52.500
of waverly place no shame we love you and they're telling me to like be funny they're like oh make
00:24:57.620
some tiktok jokes like do some right it's like hit the renegade come on y'all savage dance
00:25:04.920
do your skibbity thing and i was like this is just an insane like yeah this is like work
00:25:12.380
it's coming back the show it is yeah i saw that big fan were you a big fan i like the like nostalgia
00:25:21.040
thing i don't know yeah it's getting a little you know what i'm like girl you need to pack it up is
00:25:26.120
you know that this this i had to delete multiple videos because every time i talk about it i get
00:25:31.520
scared and i'm like i have to like they're they get pissed yeah matthew bennett who's that he does
00:25:37.420
he's the he's robbie from victorious and he like throws parties where like he he's like playing the
00:25:44.180
spongebob theme song and everyone's like and they're all blackout drunk wait like act like it's called i
00:25:49.580
party 101 and it's he goes on stage and he kind of like like pokes his shirt off a little bit and
00:25:55.680
everyone's like yes and i'm just like what is the appeal of going to your local bar and seeing robbie
00:26:00.800
from victorious like play the zombie 101 theme song while you're drunk i like i really don't
00:26:06.920
understand it like i really team we've lost it yeah it's hey team let's sync up everybody let's get
00:26:13.560
back on our zooms let's look up let's sync up again i think we were off the rails a little it's it's
00:26:18.920
really insane sometimes i'll get like the most random dms and they're from brand accounts like like
00:26:27.260
actual like production company accounts like huge brands and they'll be like hey do you want to come
00:26:32.980
here and meet and it's the most random oh my god would you be willing to come down and meet this
00:26:39.920
person i'm like hey no like here i'll bleep this one too i got a dm from and they were like we'd love
00:26:47.480
to have you come to our party and you could have the chance to meet and then i had a friend text me
00:26:52.940
and say hey one of my friends works for tlc said they dm'd you but do you have any interest in
00:26:58.260
me and i was like it's funny you say that no i got any other questions um i got an email this week
00:27:06.700
and it was like and i and i'm gonna say the name don't bleep it but it was like hey like this saturday
00:27:13.120
you want to come meet rita aura and shoot some content i'm like girl it was harry daniels out of
00:27:18.960
town like what the fuck am i gonna do with rita aura like what i love her though do you want to
00:27:27.900
talk about that song she had like from like six years ago the i don't even i don't even know
00:27:32.200
rita aura and bb rocks are the same person in my head so it gets really it gets really hard but
00:27:41.220
did you see the rita aura tweet where she was like me did you see that tweet from 2011
00:27:46.740
like no you're so mean um i do that all the time she tweeted she was like y'all if this tweet gets
00:27:53.380
100 000 retweets i'm gonna release my new song today and then no one retweeted it and then the
00:27:59.760
next tweet she was like she was like y'all that was hacked um she's so real it was like i don't put
00:28:06.460
out music until i'm ready i don't care about retweets she just like completely backtracked you know
00:28:14.020
it was one of my favorite tweets to pull out of the vault when sydney sweeney's mom had like a
00:28:19.940
birthday party and she was like wearing maga shit like her parents and then like she posts these
00:28:26.920
pictures and she's tagged in them like i don't think sydney noticed that i think other people did
00:28:30.680
and they found them and they tweeted them at her and they're like hey what the fuck like yeah are you
00:28:36.060
a magovich like what's going on they're like asking her and her response was this and i quote guys
00:28:41.380
it's my mom's birthday and that was it that's kind of fair that's the way i laughed i laughed i'm not
00:28:50.380
supposed to laugh is that fucked up like i sometimes i'm like grandma take this down now
00:28:59.340
she fucking she puts on her facebook it was like if gender doesn't matter buy some roosters for your
00:29:06.020
eggs and bowls for your milk and see how that turns out i was like grandma take this down
00:29:13.240
she just tags you at the end what is wrong with she writes in is ugly at the end i was like grandma
00:29:19.680
take this down please i like she's like and why do you have me blocked on facebook i'm like i don't
00:29:25.900
want to be your friend on facebook because then people come i don't know and people go on and they're
00:29:30.420
like pray for him and it's like ai trump it's not gonna be a good look on me gram gram like i'm sorry
00:29:36.940
the best was in 2020 when when um like literal 14 year olds would be like my parents are trump
00:29:44.280
supporters and like it's really hard and the comments would be like bitch not you still living
00:29:48.800
with them they're 11 why are you being complicit i'm like this is a 14 year old girl by the way like
00:29:55.140
she her biggest worry is like making cheerleading team and you're trying to get her to move across
00:30:00.520
country she needs the weight of systemic racism as well dude the way that guys and sometimes like
00:30:07.800
when people i'm not kidding my sister and i do this bit ever since it happened it's like whenever
00:30:12.800
someone's like telling me you have to do this you have to you have to do this you have to do it
00:30:15.800
like if they're just badgering me with shit i go guys it's my mom's birthday it's my mom's birthday
00:30:22.360
and it's it's just it's mom's birthday guys come on it's my mom's birthday does your mom no shade
00:30:28.660
sorry hi mama does does she try to suggest shit sometimes and you're like okay maybe no honestly
00:30:35.620
no my mom was like you should do a pirate calendar and i was like do you love pirates no i was like
00:30:42.100
i was like noted noted i might do a pirate calendar oh suggestion time's over uh thank you though
00:30:51.020
it's like oh or she always thinks i'm filming her i'll like i'll like talk to her she'll be like
00:30:56.260
are you filming me for this i'm like no i'm not where are the cameras i'm like no are you pranking
00:31:05.140
me i'm just saying words your mom wants to be in a bit i know we should have we should have her on
00:31:10.760
yeah we should bring her on the pod what's her name linda linda love you mom
00:31:15.760
you should show her that um remember the listen to me linda little kid i see i don't show them
00:31:22.380
anything because then they're like who is that is that your friend that's my dad i'm like i literally
00:31:27.200
show like a photo of like a dog she's like is that your friend's dog i'm like i show my dad i will show
00:31:31.780
my dad a funny meme and my dad will be like who is that and i go i don't know and then he goes
00:31:37.560
well how do they know each other i don't know and then he's like but you know him all right you're
00:31:43.580
done like forget it hey forget it i don't want to show you anything funny ever no or my dad will
00:31:48.640
send me things that are like from four years ago oh yeah and he'll be like oh my god this is crazy
00:31:53.720
oh yeah my dad will be like he'll send me like the um joe byron video you know what i'm talking about
00:31:59.260
yeah yeah now yeah it was just so long ago yeah that it took you yeah he's like he's showing me
00:32:05.520
like hide your kids hide your wife hide your husband i'm like this is awesome like i love this
00:32:10.640
show me the troll song like i'm like great no but my parents um i i have them blocked i just i can't
00:32:18.600
because like it'll literally be me like like in like full body paint like blackout drunk at like 2 p.m
00:32:27.740
and my dad will be like so i saw something a little concerning just want to make sure you're good
00:32:32.660
it's literally me you know what why don't you let me do me and you right you right that's just me
00:32:38.540
doing me i think i also used to be like really party girl but i've like i slowed down yeah it's
00:32:45.400
actually really sad like it makes me depressed is it yeah i i used to go when i lived in la like when
00:32:51.060
you think about it or now that you're not doing it now that i'm not doing it like when i when i lived
00:32:55.360
in la i was partying four days a week five days a week every single week like that's crazy like i
00:33:01.460
would go i would go work with quen shout out quen i was your assistant but it was like can you like
00:33:07.580
fold my laundry we can smoke like it was very much like that um but so i would work and then get home
00:33:16.340
uber right to the club stay out till like four or five in the morning crazy wake up go to work do it
00:33:22.700
over again and now i'm like i what i've been doing is i go out on thursday and i like black out so fierce
00:33:27.560
and then i don't drink on the weekend so i have like my weekend moment to myself balance life hack
00:33:34.360
all about wellness but drinking once a week it's kind of it's kind of depressing yeah just because
00:33:40.700
you're waiting all day are you waiting to get through almost thursday no i don't know i just i
00:33:45.700
also don't really enjoy it as much yes i get home so early now like i get home at like 1 a.m and i'm
00:33:50.740
like shit like you're an old head guess i'm fucking old now speaking of you painting your
00:33:57.600
whole body i do want to talk about when you entered that screaming contest it's evil laugh
00:34:02.740
evil laugh contest yes my bad um well it doesn't matter you lost so i guess it doesn't matter i
00:34:07.860
like don't even want to talk about it because it's still like honestly one of the most triggering
00:34:11.320
things in my life my sister was like make sure you bring up that video because that's one of the
00:34:16.420
funniest things i've ever seen thank you so my friend slash comedian mira caulfield shout out you
00:34:23.480
queen love you um she was just with her friends and there was they were watching like a a clip of
00:34:30.180
like an anime convention of them like doing evil laughs so they thought it was so funny and they were
00:34:33.940
like let's take it to brooklyn and let's have people sign up and when she sent it to me i'm not
00:34:38.900
kidding like i felt my life have like a new purpose like i had like a month of prep and i'm not
00:34:46.360
kidding my neighbors were like my neighbors were like sliding notes under the door being like hi
00:34:51.020
please stop like knocking being like so we just keep hearing laughing at like 1 a.m i was like
00:34:55.800
practice practice practice like actively afraid of you yes and so the big day comes around i call my
00:35:01.560
friend mackenzie she comes over she bought these like pyrotechnics that you like light on fire yeah um
00:35:07.740
i went full alphabet yeah i bought confetti guns yeah i show up to this evil laugh contest and also
00:35:15.480
it was half comedians but then half people that just signed up like so some people when they got
00:35:22.720
eliminated they were like i thought they were about to hit somebody like they were felt so disrespected
00:35:27.980
that their evil laugh like didn't make it like there was this one guy who was genuinely freaking the
00:35:34.260
one girl walked out and cried like it was the stakes were high okay the vibes were intense yes
00:35:41.320
before i even showed up to the competition i was in a group chat with everyone that was there i
00:35:45.980
literally only knew like my friend mackenzie and charlie and i i was like i'm gonna fucking win so
00:35:53.200
i start dming people and i'm like hey it's grandma um i just think something really bad is gonna happen
00:35:59.640
like i started like spamming them being like do not show up tonight or i'd be like fuck it got
00:36:04.760
canceled like it got rescheduled i was really trying to sabotage i was trying to sabotage the
00:36:09.620
fucking competition and i show up and some like tanya harding shit literally i was gonna crowbar or
00:36:17.260
whatever the fuck she did to the kneecaps because i needed to win this it was i've never felt a room so
00:36:23.560
electric i was fully sober there was like 400 people stuffed into a room the new york times was there
00:36:29.580
they like did an article on it and it was the best time of my life but i didn't make it through
00:36:35.200
the first round and damn there was multiple rounds oh because they're like winding it down oh yeah it
00:36:40.820
was it was intense there was a panel of judges it was it was serious i don't pray about my evil laugh
00:36:46.160
your friend started it and you still didn't even make it so i'm saying she wasn't a judge
00:36:50.420
it was so pissed off it's ruined our friendship she's running the whole thing but can't rig it in
00:36:55.620
your favor that's what i'm saying yeah what's the point of having friends fair whatever the t the
00:37:01.240
winner got a t-shirt that said i won the evil laugh competition and cinnamon buns
00:37:04.960
and that's what it's all about that's why i love new york because like there's just a level of stupid
00:37:11.360
that's going that's why i moved to new york it's because like there's just a level of exactly there's
00:37:16.280
a level of stupid that is just like perfect i'm gonna like when i fly back i'm gonna be in a
00:37:21.000
spelling bee for adults you're a good speller no but i'm gonna but i'm gonna give it my all
00:37:27.780
you're gonna give it the old college try watch you win that one but you didn't win the evil laugh
00:37:32.020
one yeah even your neighbors were like hey girl even my neighbors couldn't handle this laugh
00:37:37.220
you're all you should have asked my neighbors they all would have said what would your evil laugh
00:37:42.320
sound like what would it sound like i mean i'm not gonna do it for you now i would say the
00:37:46.860
so you don't want to match it you want to know what's so funny is when vine was a thing
00:37:51.220
i had one vine that did remarkably well considering i had like fucking 30 followers at the time and it
00:38:00.400
was literally a vine of my little brother and i still have it i'll literally look for it right now
00:38:05.080
while we talk and he's just like standing in the kitchen of my childhood home and like me and my
00:38:11.060
sister at the table with our friend and he came over and he was like hey i want to show you guys
00:38:16.940
something and like you know it's like little brother shit so i think he's like seven or eight
00:38:21.280
in the video okay and he's and we're like okay and he goes this is what my laugh would be if i was a
00:38:26.940
villain and then he starts doing it but he puts his whole chest into that shit like he's doing it so
00:38:34.140
loud and guttural and it's like raising in octaves like every time because he goes one round and then he
00:38:39.360
comes back and it's like going higher oh he's like he's he's putting it all in the round and like
00:38:43.520
he's like sweating already when he comes out and i felt like he was practicing and then came out to
00:38:48.620
show up he's practicing for three and a half hours he had his pillow on his face so no one could hear
00:38:54.820
and like literally we laughed so hard i was like wait do it again so i can record you and i made a
00:39:00.660
vine of it it's just six seconds i'm doing it for the vine and he literally was doing it and he
00:39:05.920
we didn't maybe do it so many times my mom was like all right enough like enough enough i can't
00:39:10.020
i can't listen to it anymore like he is all about to see that evil i i love an evil laugh i love an
00:39:16.120
evil laugh it hits every time um there's always like something stupid going on the next thing besides
00:39:22.100
the evil laugh i literally found it is can i show it oh for sure i'll literally play the
00:39:26.060
fucking six seconds of him doing that he's no he's in shorts but he's topless and i'm not gonna
00:39:42.140
lie that was a little weak real mid if i'm being honest someone that's an evil laugher um i would
00:39:49.500
say the performance was about five out of ten you have some i do have some notes um actually exactly i
00:39:55.960
think he should have taken it a little more taking it there i'm like you're up here you should be
00:40:01.400
down here can you meet me here that's why you say hi when you're laughing
00:40:12.620
it needs to taper off at the end real high at the end that's he literally was doing it so many times
00:40:22.060
that's honestly why he's shirtless in the video because he started getting because he needed
00:40:25.740
he's sitting in front of the ac he needed to get in the zone and then apparently ice pack on his
00:40:30.760
eyes that was a tough game y'all he's a sweatband on now that is too good i mean it's a full body
00:40:38.240
experience no it's like it's incredible but new york has the stupidest events when i come back
00:40:44.080
um there's twinks versus dolls rage in the cage and it's what you're all doing in there well the
00:40:50.200
twinks are going against the dolls yeah and different it's like olympic so there's a cigarette
00:40:54.160
race there's spaghetti wrestling um like you're wrestling in it's not me like i'm i'm watching
00:41:00.800
you're not like they get a doll and they get a twink and then they have competitions i know i'm just
00:41:05.660
curious how they work the games i don't know like i feel like the actual i don't know if there's
00:41:10.520
going to be an actual cage like like beating the shit out of each other feels a little problematic
00:41:16.020
imagine that would be crazy but yeah it's that is they they are truly it sounds like matching your
00:41:22.120
freak out there you gotta you gotta come yeah you're going on tour there right yes opening night
00:41:26.960
that's amazing you gotta come what if i was like what day you can't come it's a tuesday night july 30th
00:41:33.120
okay what if it was the night of your spelling bee i know well no i wanted to know because i have a show
00:41:38.580
july 18th how exciting period uh bcc because you do because you do stand-up too yeah i've been
00:41:44.940
that's like why i made the jump from la to new york is because to work on stand-up to do stand-up
00:41:50.520
and also i can't it just matches i don't want to drive and i was spending so much money on ubers
00:41:56.760
yeah that it was literally financially hindering me and i was like i could go to new york and go on
00:42:02.580
the subway do you just not like driving no i know how to i'm good at it too by the way i just
00:42:08.140
don't want to buy a car and do that upkeep and i'd rather not and so that was yeah that's that
00:42:14.620
was a big reason why how has stand-up been going for you how do you like stand-up i love it i think
00:42:18.600
it's so much fun i did it um for the first time i went on tour with tari yummy like a year and a half
00:42:25.120
ago oh nice and i showed up to her drunk at a party and i was like i want to do stand-up and she was
00:42:31.360
like come on my tour and i was like really and she was like yeah and then i left like the week
00:42:37.040
after damn and it was super fun and i loved it and then i made the jump to new york because there's
00:42:44.700
just so much comedy going on in new york and it's all so close to me yeah but i'm burping um right now
00:42:52.540
i'm kind of just like getting my set together totally because i just hate when like people that
00:42:59.000
were influencers are like i'm doing this and then they're just doing it because they can do it and
00:43:03.220
not because they want to like i love comedy i love stand-up it's like same it's so much fun and it's
00:43:09.100
new and like the stand-up little like community that is that i'm like kind of a part of like my
00:43:16.480
friends i think they're like the funniest people ever yeah and so it's like great to just be able
00:43:21.800
to go i do like five open mic or open mics a week just to like practice cool and then i'm starting
00:43:27.920
to have like actual shows that are going to come up soon so if you're in new york book me please
00:43:33.760
thank you that's so fucking cool i feel i feel you on the like content creator jump thing because it's
00:43:40.040
so that's very real i talk to other creators a lot where it's like because i started i started doing
00:43:45.060
stand-up but barely um i did a five already and it was very fun but i honestly had a blast doing it
00:43:52.620
where'd you do the five i did it opening at the i did at the largo here in la nice with kate for
00:43:57.680
caleb's show oh nice nice nice and it was me and chris fleming open but i think chris did like i think
00:44:03.460
he did like 15 yeah obviously caleb did the full and then um he was on tour with annie de russo so
00:44:07.860
then her and her band uh closed out the show nice but it was a fucking blast like it's great i love
00:44:14.220
being funny i love telling jokes but i've been putting off stand-up forever because i was telling
00:44:17.720
my team i was like i just don't want to find out the hard way that i'm not that good because i know
00:44:22.780
internet funny and stand-up funny are very different it is really different it's like it's hard to like
00:44:27.360
totally because you have to write something out and you have to like have jokes in between the story
00:44:31.700
and it's just like memorize it all and yeah the flow and like the cadence yeah and then if you say
00:44:37.360
this you ruin the end of the joke it's like it's very much also it's so like
00:44:42.460
straight male edgelord vibes like i don't really go to manhattan for mics i go to the like
00:44:49.840
no hate speech before the mic starts mics because they're all nice and fun and they're open like yeah
00:44:56.340
talking about it because when you joke about like if you joke about straight guys if you joke about
00:45:00.200
white people if you joke about that type of shit like you gotta have the right audience because
00:45:03.340
otherwise they just won't laugh on purpose even if they find it yeah and so when i did my first five
00:45:07.740
i was like i really i was genuinely so nervous and i never get nervous for work shit yeah that's
00:45:13.660
just because i love stand-up so much and i just yeah you just wanted to make sure that it's i feel
00:45:18.140
like people also love you i was i was talking to britney about this like britney goes on stage and
00:45:23.280
she's like y'all i just have my water bottle and everyone's like like everyone's just having a
00:45:29.220
fucking blast totally so i even told caleb because he asked me when he asked me it was like a month out
00:45:34.380
and he was like do you want me i could put you on on like a graphic or something we can market or we
00:45:39.100
could just have you be like a surprise guest and i was like i'd rather be a surprise guest yeah and
00:45:43.440
that was because i want to know if i'm actually yeah if i invite fans like i love my fans they're
00:45:49.100
gonna laugh no matter what yeah i could be like it's a good challenge yeah it's like i want to go
00:45:54.360
and have the audience not be mine and really like run these jokes otherwise i won't ever know if i'm
00:45:59.940
actually funny because like they're gonna laugh at anything and i want to get good yeah and he was
00:46:04.820
like i think that's great like then we won't tell anyone and we'll just did you crush or sorry i said
00:46:09.880
did you crush yeah actually i did really well good that's not me feeling myself i i know there's
00:46:14.760
sometimes where like you you finish and you're like yeah i had a real banger joke about jason
00:46:21.220
in there that really ate them alive like that was when i added the morning of that's that's always
00:46:26.800
how it works like if i feel like there'll be times where i'll go to do comedy and like
00:46:31.980
when i'm about to do like however long i'll just think of something while i'm sitting there and
00:46:37.860
that's why it's really good to go to open mics because like people that are saying shit will
00:46:42.460
inspire you and like it'll also just make you think of things because people are like talking
00:46:48.180
from experience and then you can be like wait i had an experience similar and then like use that to
00:46:52.440
kind of build what you're talking about no that's good i'm i'm taking all the tips right now from all
00:46:57.780
my friends who've been doing it for fucking yeah because caleb's like hilarious he's like the best
00:47:01.600
he kills me he's so unbelievably funny it honestly upsets me it makes me really angry yeah even when i
00:47:08.560
went out like he told me too he was like openings are is really important like how you start he's like
00:47:14.120
so don't go out and be like oh i'm so nervous i've never done this before like just you can't let
00:47:18.780
them know that yeah he was like you just have to go right into it yeah just go right into it he's
00:47:22.160
like or you can say something about me because he introduced me obviously and when he did like a
00:47:26.540
lot of people were really excited because we have a lot of crossover in our audiences too but like
00:47:31.040
most of them were just there for caleb yeah and so even when he when i came out i was just like
00:47:36.280
bigger cheer than caleb love that hey guys make sure everyone laughs my jokes and i even told caleb
00:47:41.300
like if no one laughs i got a backup plan that's gonna ruin everyone's night so it's in everyone's best
00:47:46.200
interest and it's in my back pocket and it's hidden under all of your chairs right so everyone
00:47:53.100
better be nice to me when i do it but yeah i admire you a lot for doing that many i need to do like go
00:47:59.200
and watch more open mics because i know it's different but i love stand-up i've watched stand-up
00:48:02.900
forever no yeah i feel like my the comedy that i enjoy isn't really even necessarily stand-up i like
00:48:09.980
love like nathan fielder oh yeah and like that type of i think that practical comedy totally is
00:48:17.140
like kind of funnier yeah i love dax flame i think he's fucking hilarious he is so funny i don't think
00:48:24.200
i know who that is he just like he'll go up to people at target and he'll be like um today we're
00:48:28.260
doing the funny face challenge and he'll be like and it's like the most uncomfortable video i've ever
00:48:32.980
watched and he'll be like he'll be like i have ten dollars and i'm gonna put it on this tree and
00:48:37.880
try to get it and then like it'll just be like a guy in the park trying to get the ten dollars and
00:48:42.020
he'll like wrestle with him and he's just like this really awkward like white guy he's so good it
00:48:47.520
reminds me of that girl on tiktok that she did that one video where she was like would you mind
00:48:52.920
recording me yeah second and then she was like what was the first one days that she did in the
00:48:58.000
grocery store do you remember i just remember she's like stop recording me no no no she literally
00:49:02.980
like she starts singing but she's really bad and she's like she's really trying to sing like she
00:49:09.380
means it like she's like trying to sing she's like can you record me and she's in like a walmart
00:49:13.400
and she starts doing it and like she starts crying because she's laughing so hard like she's trying not
00:49:18.860
to laugh so she's crying and she's like oh and it's like so bad and the guy recording is going nice
00:49:25.220
you just hear and then she starts crying because she's laughing so hard and she goes thank you and
00:49:30.300
she like takes it back and he goes you're welcome and he just walks i love shit like that i like
00:49:35.260
i it's actually really i love public pranks like and it's so immature but i love it there's these
00:49:41.480
like guys that they'll do like street interviews in new york and they'll just like throw water
00:49:45.600
balloons at people and then like turn around oh my god it's so stupid but it's so funny like i'm
00:49:50.860
so sorry one guy i've seen on tiktok and he he goes in a mall like he hangs out in a mall i don't
00:49:57.520
i've seen him and he asks people do you speak spanish and he asks in spanish and then a lot
00:50:03.180
of times they say yeah like if they do they're like yeah and in spanish he says move if you're gay
00:50:08.600
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for details please play responsibly yeah have you seen yes and when i'm high and i'm watching you i'm like
00:51:16.020
i'm like bitch you're not gonna catch me and i laugh because men are so homophobic that they're like
00:51:24.800
you're not fucking getting there for three and a half hours until they're there until his battery dies
00:51:30.780
on that phone frozen it's the black beetles challenge remember that so oh black beetles yeah
00:51:36.160
the black beetles challenge inspired the move or your gay challenge
00:51:42.380
the black beetles challenge walks so the move if your gay challenge could run that's right i love that
00:51:51.420
you love a niche a niche internet call out oh yeah i love it's so like like the the smallest most mundane
00:52:00.220
thing no like um or it's like horrific and people seem to forget i yeah i feel like i quote things
00:52:08.000
like the moody liar do you know what the moody liar is yodeling hayley was talking about this and i had
00:52:13.260
just got it like kind of out of my vocab and now it's back the moody liar is from a song that someone
00:52:19.340
sang over a michael jackson song and it's like am i strange because everyone says i have to show you
00:52:26.240
if you know you know i like saying that or like saying that's the lemon boy do you know what that
00:52:31.540
is do you know who that is it's this i think day um that is like just crazy it's like it's like time
00:52:43.360
to get the lemons and like it's the most insane like it's like come on like be normal for two fucking
00:52:51.220
seconds it's really bad or yeah no there is one vine that i've quoted before and like only recently
00:52:59.580
which is a little humiliating on my part um did someone ask me where is that like from something
00:53:05.460
like you know how you say something so often that eventually yeah someone's like hey what's going on
00:53:10.000
yeah like is everything cool with you what's that about yeah like is that in reference to something
00:53:14.080
am i supposed to understand and it was a vine and this guy's recording like his little cousins or
00:53:19.440
his friend they're like little girls they're probably like 11 uh-huh he's recording them
00:53:23.800
and he goes where y'all going and then she goes why you need to know all of my pussy boy yep i say
00:53:30.080
that so often and no one knows what the fuck i'm talking about you're all over my pussy boy the way
00:53:35.500
i literally told that to at least nine people and none of them knew they're all like and i said it
00:53:40.380
once to my cousin adam who does my hair and makeup and he laughs so hard at shit like that and
00:53:45.120
your cousin does your hair and makeup yeah side note period i love that yeah you have the whole
00:53:50.360
family around yeah he's actually related to me some people think i make that shit up i'm not kidding
00:53:53.800
there's so many you come with an army yeah just my family every every time i see you it's like
00:53:59.540
all of your family yeah they're like oh it's a posse it's my mom and dad and my sister well it's
00:54:05.260
girl my parents i'm like you're gonna stay over there mommy's gonna do her work okay like i but
00:54:14.700
yeah anyways yeah my cousin adam no he loves jokes like that so i and he remembers the most random
00:54:19.800
like niche memes oh i just thought of another one but i said that once and he goes did you make that
00:54:24.020
up and i was like no it's from a fucking vine nobody remembers the other one is um i'll get was
00:54:29.900
it carl bismarck on your ass remember that one motherfucker yeah do you know um do you know
00:54:37.080
there's this one girl and it's like this old lady and in 2020 the only way i can describe it is she was
00:54:44.340
on like a terrorization world tour at different walmarts and she would go and she'd be like you
00:54:50.360
motherfuckers and she would like stop cars and be like there was one where she was like baba baby baba
00:54:56.200
baby and she's like and she's like motherfucker like it's just this old lady everywhere she goes
00:55:02.100
she is pissed and like she's screaming she's called like the marjorie lady or something i forgot what
00:55:08.240
it is the baba baby thing sounds familiar it's so good like and she just is pissed off at all
00:55:15.020
moments of the day and she is ready to fucking be pissed and i was going in ready to be mad yeah i
00:55:21.900
love it i love shit like that like that's why sometimes when people say stuff i'll go
00:55:26.120
he's dead just to be funny and literally just me my sister and my cousin adam are the only ones who
00:55:32.880
seem to remember that name oh i remember i'm like that's one of the funniest things ever
00:55:36.420
because it's just so random he's like go ahead i don't even know who that is
00:55:41.060
i like i i also will say things like ironically that are like so or like my david who's over there
00:55:53.140
like he'll just randomly like dab you know which one i'm bringing back i told brenny this a while
00:55:58.400
ago i'm bringing this back oh yeah oh yeah so whenever boy boy or just being like just out of
00:56:07.080
nowhere i mean like that shit is so embarrassing literally i would just go like so i was on a late
00:56:16.440
night show i was on after midnight like last week and i told my i made a joke to my sister that i was
00:56:21.320
going like this over the little partition like when i got their ass with a joke i'd be like
00:56:25.620
it's so good and they wouldn't get it so good and they some people just don't get it
00:56:33.900
right now i've been going me like a minion that sounds like that sounds like a britney thing
00:56:40.660
no she she worships the minions i'm so pissed off because britney responds every four days
00:56:50.220
yeah and by the time she's responded i've already sent her so much shit that she's like i'm not
00:56:54.900
capacity girl yeah like i i sent her an audio message and when i send her audio messages i start
00:57:00.600
and i'm like actually fucking listen to this bitch god and then i like go into what i actually have to
00:57:05.920
say because i know she doesn't want to hear it like it's always and it's always never it's never
00:57:10.620
important yeah and then i'll be like you have to watch this video and it's like an old lady like
00:57:15.580
touching her boobs and like being i send the worst most god forsaken memes to her all the time i was
00:57:22.060
to be fair i send them to everyone anyone who will listen now i'm gonna add you to that there's there's
00:57:26.340
this one um photo because i was i was thinking about this i've been trying really hard not to be a
00:57:31.900
hater recently and how's that going not well you're you're tweaking it's it's it's so fucking
00:57:40.580
hard because i don't think i'm a hateful person no i and okay here's the thing i'm not hating
00:57:46.600
someone in a way where i'm like i fucking hate them like you're disgusting like i'm not mean in
00:57:51.200
that way but i'm a hater in the way where i'm like it's fun girl yeah you know what i mean i totally
00:57:56.780
know what you mean it's like i don't know his interlude on here she said there's a difference
00:57:59.820
between being a hater and being a loser she's like losers hate for no reason and they hate out
00:58:03.640
of jealousy and envy she's being a hater is fun like if you want to hate things that are silly
00:58:08.020
and they're not hard like it's not harmful but exactly yeah i get um but there's this one photo
00:58:13.320
a tasteful hater i need to fucking find this photo because there is actually let me just say there's
00:58:18.720
one person that i absolutely fucking hate there is one there is one i hate this person you can tell
00:58:24.640
me after and i'll tell you right now and like let's get into it because and i always feel so
00:58:31.880
fucking incredible whenever i tell someone i hate this person because i've and this is why i don't
00:58:36.320
feel bad everyone doesn't like this person yeah and it's just even better because they are just
00:58:41.280
nasty and rotted and mean and like evil and i bet i hate them and i always and i feel like you do i
00:58:47.240
always send this photo to britney do you know who that is do you know who that is yes i know who
00:58:57.300
that fucking is ian i didn't know you hated that person i did not know that i can't stand
00:59:04.120
stand that person i will say this i get it and the best ever i get why britney's on everyone's
00:59:11.640
close friends so when i hate someone i'm like let me know like what's happening like please
00:59:19.540
she's like can you stop i'm not doing that i love when i get i get added to close friends
00:59:26.480
a lot and i said some of you should not have me on there yeah because i am talking about it yeah i
00:59:34.620
will tell like i will tell those stories to anyone who will listen yeah there's one person
00:59:40.980
there's one person that has a crazy close friend story like 50 a day and like like this person
00:59:48.900
i'm not kidding is like always like off their fucking rocker and i'll tell this person that
00:59:53.360
so it's not like shade but i'm like i'll literally be like you just have to not think about this this
00:59:57.820
like they'll freak the fuck out and i'm like you need to just calm down for a second chill you need
01:00:02.600
to like it is crazy there are some people whose close friends i've been added to where i'm like hey
01:00:07.600
take me out of this i don't need to be in here or when people i really don't need to be in here
01:00:13.060
because people probably add you because they're like trying to like get something or like get
01:00:17.120
probably these are like creators like i get added to fans close friends too which is extra strange
01:00:24.060
but like who i don't follow but like like creators like celebrities like big people like they'll add me
01:00:29.980
to that shit and sometimes i'm like hey go ahead and take me out like i don't i don't need to see
01:00:34.420
this i had one girl that like came up to me at a club i was at tenet and we were talking we were
01:00:42.880
we were like we were getting along and i was like doing my thing i was kind of like i was kind of
01:00:47.540
being shady like talking my shit because i was like new friend alert like she's a vibe love you
01:00:52.140
like um and at the end of the night i'm like what's your instagram i go to follow her
01:00:58.180
and i see green on her story so she already put she already no oh she followed you like from a
01:01:06.320
while ago and there was dms to me from like 2020 and i was already on her close friend story and i'm
01:01:13.260
like i just talked so much shit to you it was so bad i was like still on there i don't know i think
01:01:18.740
i was like okay girl see you around and i never talked to her again it was yeah it was rough your
01:01:26.300
brain fascinates me thank you your brain fast i'm actually like really um scared right now
01:01:32.940
okay just something happened to me the other day and it's like all i can think about there might be
01:01:38.020
naked photos of me out there you're getting in front of it here i'm just gonna i'm just gonna put
01:01:43.700
it on the runway um so i went to this coffee shop and i was sitting down doing my little work
01:01:51.740
and i go into the bathroom okay and i have my headphones on and when it was a closed bathroom
01:02:00.020
it was like there was no single person bathroom gotcha and when i am in a single person bathroom
01:02:04.680
that is my time to do what i need to do yeah you know what i mean i'm walking around i'm doing a
01:02:09.220
couple poses yeah that's when you like unzip and you're a lizard inside yes i have
01:02:13.680
my headphones on i'm like someone's like banging on the door i'm like that's your time because i
01:02:19.860
need to like stim and get it out like i just i need to get it out of your system yes yeah so you
01:02:25.600
can be normal i go to the bathroom do my business and then i leave the bathroom and like 15 minutes
01:02:34.220
later the police walk in and i'm like okay and so they come up to me i have my headphones on they're
01:02:40.560
like were you just in that bathroom and i was like no obviously i'm not because i'm like what
01:02:46.860
do they want like no and the guy looks at me he goes oh good because someone hit a camera in there
01:02:54.000
and we think it might be live streaming or being uploaded somewhere
01:02:58.680
and i was like so are you afraid of being caught nude are you afraid of being caught being your real
01:03:06.340
self this is what i'm afraid of is because when i was done shitting because you can see my balls
01:03:11.640
taint ass that's not the embarrassing part i had my let my pants down my legs and i had my headphones in
01:03:18.400
and i had just wiped and i was listening to good luck babe by chop around i stood up
01:03:28.380
flaccid penis out dangling around going everywhere
01:03:41.820
like when you're like i'm next while your jeans are around your ankles while my jeans are around my
01:03:47.540
ankles like and so there might be a naked video of me on the dark web of me lip-syncing for my life
01:03:56.080
to chop around with my balls and then someone else is on there going oh i know this guy he used to put
01:04:01.980
toes on youtube he's great i fucking love this guy he did the egyptian footstool challenge for my
01:04:09.280
it's yeah oh my god and i'm just so worried guttural shock and horror because i don't care if my
01:04:22.380
if my taint is out there it's out there but the dancing naked is where i'm and are you singing out
01:04:30.180
loud oh yeah yeah because it's loud in that coffee shop it's like one of those like the barista has like
01:04:36.100
pronoun pins 100 gex is blasting it's like like the worst hyperpop ever it's in bushwick so like
01:04:42.660
it's just like crazy it's like 360 by charlie yeah blast yeah and everyone's like doing their work
01:04:49.020
at their like fake jobs they're all freelancing and they're like i'm everywhere i'm so julia
01:04:53.600
like no one is getting a single task done they're just like yeah we'll loop back
01:04:59.160
so julia like they're not doing shit oh you're in there dancing a chapel and i'm in there
01:05:08.540
what you should be afraid of instead is someone seeing your undeniable talent and then you just
01:05:17.580
get so rich and famous that is so true simon call is like are you the flaccid penis guy
01:05:22.200
from the bathroom terry cruz asked you to come on america's got talent but you don't make it
01:05:27.720
i'm traumatizing i always wanted to audition when i was i was gonna say
01:05:32.840
you look like someone that would want to audition for specifically america's got you're like you look
01:05:38.100
like someone audition for anything i would audition specifically america's got talent
01:05:42.940
because it's real open-ended you could do whatever you want that is so true it just has
01:05:47.500
to be talent and what is talent it's truly in the eye of the beholder so that is so true i think i
01:05:54.740
know what's not talent well only i can determine what's not exactly but people can't tell me what's
01:06:00.240
not talent exactly obvious okay well that being said my last question for you i haven't asked you
01:06:06.800
a single one my last question for you because obviously we talked about stand-up and i know that's
01:06:12.960
like really you shine so bright like you are so fucking funny i can't i should have said that in
01:06:18.020
the beginning but you just took off so fast sorry that's okay i i didn't even have any caffeine or i
01:06:22.800
had a diet coke i i just like to talk i'm sorry no you're totally fine i love it and i just i find
01:06:28.820
you so unbelievably funny i've also i didn't get a chance to say this but i've been a fan of you
01:06:32.200
online for a while well before i had a platform thank you yeah so i wasn't your fan at first i'm not
01:06:37.820
gonna lie yeah i came up after you but i blew right past you didn't i you know what okay and
01:06:45.260
let me let me address it i didn't hate you at all i'm i was just nasty evil and balding and i thought
01:06:52.760
i was next oh and i just didn't know what was gonna happen yeah but then i saw that flaccid penis video
01:06:57.700
i said wait a second get that girl in my office i gotta talk to her we have to talk we have to make
01:07:02.700
i can make you a star girl that's right this is our version of a casting couch that's right you
01:07:08.980
and me right here we're living it can you guys leave for a second can i have the room please
01:07:13.800
but i i would love seriously to um if you have any tips for anyone who's looking to get into comedy
01:07:19.360
whether it's like internet comedy or they're trying to transition maybe they want to do stand-up like
01:07:23.420
what would you say is your best piece of advice for them i would say just do it like just go to
01:07:30.180
open mics don't be embarrassed to if you're like on social media transitioning to comedy yeah like
01:07:36.600
actually learn what you want to do actually make sure that it's something you want to do because i
01:07:42.660
go to some of these open mics and i'm sorry some of you guys have to quit yeah because it's also just
01:07:48.180
like people online sometimes they do comedy and it's just like it's just not the same it's like twitter
01:07:52.200
jokes i'm like girl i've kind of heard the same concept online exactly um but my piece of advice
01:07:57.940
would be just actually care about what you're doing yeah and like it'll be fine absolutely and
01:08:02.580
just practice yeah totally i i need to take that fucking advice if i'm being honest come to new york
01:08:08.680
period i know i don't honestly my manager is it's such a new york and there's so much comedy over
01:08:13.580
there it's like almost exhausting well i have to come see you when you're uh doing stand-up have a
01:08:18.960
show july 18th period i have and well now everyone else knows too that you have a show july yeah come
01:08:25.000
down july 18th to who size two beautiful women can't host a comedy show by my friends vivian and
01:08:31.700
roxanne and it's what a kick-ass name right and then i'm the man on there i'm like sure i go on
01:08:39.080
stage i'm like look i've been transvestigated on the internet one time and i'm not letting it happen
01:08:47.440
again i literally had a whole thread about me made one time where people were zooming in on my penis
01:08:52.820
and sweatpants and they were like look he doesn't have a penis
01:08:56.020
and that video of you singing chapel wrong would beg to prove them all wrong yeah it'll prove all
01:09:02.940
your haters wrong right thank you so much for coming on the show i adore you you're so funny
01:09:09.820
thank you so much for having me oh my gosh i came here for you period i got my flight on
01:09:15.020
skiplagged and i said let's go i showed up to the airport they said are you going to sacramento i
01:09:20.540
said yes i am you bet your goddamn ass that is right thank you so much for coming on the show thank
01:09:26.080
you all for watching us where can everybody find you you can find me on social media at ian is ugly
01:09:32.980
with two eyes and by the time this comes out i will have my sub stack launch where i kind of go more
01:09:40.080
into the um fetish story like i have like a whole thing that i wrote about it yeah and it's ugly
01:09:48.620
world with two y's dot sub stack dot com u g l y y w o r l t it's not looking sorry it's hard it's
01:09:56.840
hard to spell it's hard to spell it'll be in my bio it's not looking good for that spelling bee
01:10:00.160
fuck you're right i need to practice you struggled with the word word
01:10:04.180
fuck we're gonna get there it's all right you'll get there these are your reps this is you practicing
01:10:09.380
ian's one of the funniest people alive so please make sure you go follow ian if you don't already on
01:10:13.660
everything and make sure you go see him in new york in july 18th you said that is right at a
01:10:18.660
comedy show and just you'll follow him everywhere then you'll know when he's going and doing shit
01:10:22.640
and then see you in new york period they already know that i'm like that's me please i'm like say
01:10:27.940
it on camera i'm badgering the fuck out of them about me going on tour y'all already know that and
01:10:32.160
if you're not coming to see me you're dead to me anyway you both are going right yes me and days
01:10:36.260
we're doing it together but it's gonna be a key and thank you so much for joining us on this episode
01:10:40.200
you're the best thank you so much for watching this episode of the comment section don't forget
01:10:43.820
new episodes come out every wednesday you can stream the audio on all streaming platforms or you can watch
01:10:48.240
the video for free exclusively on spotify and don't forget i listened to your bitching and your moaning
01:10:54.000
and now the old episodes are on replay fridays on the past your bedtime youtube channel one day i'm not
01:11:00.460
gonna fuck that one up one day just not today anyways thank you so much for joining us thank
01:11:04.880
you so much to my amazing guest ian and i'll see you next week bye