The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - RE-RELEASE： COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon ｜ Episode 224

00:00:00.000 Cooper what cologne do you wear and he said oh I don't it's just like I don't know my mom gets

00:00:04.120 it for me and I and I go I go oh yeah but like what is he goes he goes I really don't know my

00:00:09.380 mom gets it for me every time I get a chance being like Cooper do you even know like what the bottle

00:00:12.760 but I'm trying to play it cool and he's like oh yeah I don't remember man and like literally

00:00:22.060 I'm being so persistent because I think I'm being coy you know and then finally I go I need to know 0.99

00:00:28.200 what clone you are and you're gonna fuck you tell me now and he goes he goes if i tell you 1.00

00:00:33.880 will you just stop talking to me and i go can i go and i go yeah 1.00

00:00:37.680 hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me your 0.66

00:00:47.860 fave everybody knows me who gives a fuck about me today i have an unbelievably requested episode

00:00:54.180 And by requesting, I mean, like, from me only. 0.78

00:00:56.320 It's Brittany Broski and Caleb Heron.

00:00:58.320 Woo!

00:00:59.780 Cheers for real.

00:01:01.120 Cheers.

00:01:01.780 Hey, cheers for real. 0.98

00:01:02.940 Cheers to a damn good time. 0.99

00:01:05.280 Hey, can I make a toast? 0.99

00:01:07.400 I wish you would.

00:01:08.340 Nah, here's to the nights we'll never remember.

00:01:11.580 With the people we'll never forget.

00:01:14.960 Cheers to y'all.

00:01:16.400 Cheers to y'all.

00:01:17.120 The big lipstick.

00:01:19.760 Uh-oh.

00:01:20.740 Cunting. 1.00

00:01:21.460 Cunting. 1.00

00:01:22.540 I fear she cunted. 1.00

00:01:24.180 say the one you said before we started 1.00

00:01:28.580 it's time to cunt 1.00

00:01:29.440 say the one you said before we started 0.99

00:01:30.780 what did I say

00:01:36.860 you said it was a JFK

00:01:39.100 reference oh I said 0.98

00:01:40.260 she shot the mother bullet that killed

00:01:42.240 John F. Cunton

00:01:42.860 my favorite movie

00:01:45.860 my favorite movie is Good Will Cunting

00:01:47.860 Good Will Cunting

00:01:49.780 I just started 1.00

00:01:51.900 changing all of the breakfast cunt 0.99

00:01:53.860 anyways welcome back to the show my very first repeats hey second time so and you know who 0.97

00:02:04.080 we're missing leo gonzalez yeah that's it yeah are you honey he's banned from the building we

00:02:08.820 forgot about him yeah i saw his picture up around the security booths and they said don't let this

00:02:13.180 man in yeah it said wanted shoplifter yeah he was stealing from the studio i'm sure he was

00:02:19.420 i can't prove it but god bless his heart i still told them to hang up the signs regardless just

00:02:23.700 in case come back to the show britney and caleb are two of my most popular episodes to date

00:02:30.660 oh my god and have you given a royalty check oh yeah

00:02:33.820 yeah i got home the other day there was a ferrari in the driveway

00:02:38.120 that's real sweet yeah and then i sent britney vibes 1.00

00:02:42.440 no she did it to be mean because she knows my big ass can't fit in this 1.00

00:02:46.920 I said, you can't. 1.00

00:02:48.740 I guess I'll drive it home. 1.00

00:02:49.500 I'm a fuck. 1.00

00:02:50.200 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:02:51.580 I hate that. 1.00

00:02:52.360 Well, thanks for coming back, y'all.

00:02:54.100 Your jerseys are hanging in the rafters.

00:02:55.740 All stars.

00:02:56.440 It's a pleasure to be here.

00:02:57.640 I feel like I'm home again.

00:02:59.420 4XL jersey.

00:03:02.160 4XL Sheen jersey.

00:03:04.280 Hold on now.

00:03:04.880 Not too much on the sizes.

00:03:07.040 Not too much on the size of the jerseys there.

00:03:09.420 You're getting a little too small to be talking like that.

00:03:11.800 You better put some pounds back on before you implicate me in the 4X bit.

00:03:15.480 Trust and believe.

00:03:16.400 I'm lying on a 4X you want to check the tag on my underwear

00:03:19.420 let's check it then

00:03:21.000 get in there see what you find 1.00

00:03:22.820 I just pulled my fucking pants down 1.00

00:03:25.720 I'll show hole on this episode 1.00

00:03:28.120 and?

00:03:29.280 are those cameras 4K?

00:03:31.740 y'all aren't going to like what you see

00:03:33.180 the light bars set up and everything

00:03:34.920 softbox lighting

00:03:36.400 oh my god a beautiful hole shot from me

00:03:38.580 stay tuned

00:03:40.000 and then I'm going to do a voiceover like National Geographic

00:03:42.820 the predator moves in on his pride 1.00

00:03:44.840 It's Brittany just moving towards me with a couple fingers

00:03:48.100 No, we gotta cut that off 1.00

00:03:49.860 Two in the pink, one in the stink

00:03:51.420 Now where is Caleb's pink?

00:03:54.940 I only know about a stink

00:03:56.220 I don't have one, y'all

00:04:01.600 And it makes me feel 0.97

00:04:03.280 I'm gonna fucking cry 0.99

00:04:04.620 No, I'm gonna fucking cry 0.99

00:04:07.800 Because I feel so out of place with y'all 0.97

00:04:09.600 I'm literally like a man in this space

00:04:11.580 You think Caleb gendered in 40? 0.97

00:04:14.840 oh shut up i'm sure you have a pink somewhere yeah i'll get in there and everything down there 0.99

00:04:22.800 i'm willing to get my hands dirty you put on gloves up to your elbows 0.99

00:04:28.720 let me in there i'm gonna pull my sleeves 0.96

00:04:31.500 i think i would fight y'all if i had the opportunity i would lose you think 0.93

00:04:40.840 I think Brittany would start laughing to be honest 1.00

00:04:43.480 y'all would beat my ass to the point 1.00

00:04:45.480 where I would have to be permanently hospitalized 1.00

00:04:47.540 she'd be like ah no 1.00

00:04:49.360 you would beat my ass I've seen the videos of you in the gym 1.00

00:04:51.460 and I'd go I'd lose 1.00

00:04:52.720 because I'm not strong I'm just big

00:04:54.440 which is a strength

00:04:56.340 the pen is your sword

00:04:59.500 oh god yeah that's true

00:05:01.320 your wit I think that's more than enough

00:05:03.480 oh my god well yeah that brings me to my first point of the show

00:05:05.960 thank y'all so much for being on

00:05:06.940 I think y'all wanted in the text messages

00:05:09.840 y'all said that you wanted to compliment me straight to camera

00:05:11.820 I think that was in the show notes

00:05:14.820 was that oh I think

00:05:15.860 we're the producers didn't we have in the show notes

00:05:17.540 compliment Caleb straight to camera

00:05:19.800 for three minutes each

00:05:20.620 well this is terribly humiliating but go ahead

00:05:24.220 we wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable

00:05:27.240 no I'll get through it

00:05:29.180 I obviously everyone on this show knows

00:05:33.640 that I'm the biggest fan ever of both Brittany and Caleb

00:05:35.980 I'd be doing PR for y'all

00:05:37.380 it's true technically speaking

00:05:38.940 it's true for free and we're actually running the book tour yeah it's like my invoices are

00:05:43.640 unanswered as of right now but don't worry i'll keep sending them when your team texted britney

00:05:48.460 and i on a group message and said will you guys do security for drew's book tour i will say there

00:05:53.400 was a moment of a side chat where we said hold on is that offensive is that racially profiling

00:05:58.280 is that racially profiling yeah racially or body profiling yeah well southern big white people from

00:06:04.360 And Brittany and I said, you know what?

00:06:06.600 That's our girl.

00:06:07.720 Let's do it.

00:06:08.360 We'll do it.

00:06:08.860 And we're going to do it.

00:06:09.720 Well, and your resume was just that picture of you in front of Aaron Carter.

00:06:13.540 Is that who it was?

00:06:14.180 You know about this, don't you?

00:06:15.700 He bounced for Aaron Carter.

00:06:17.920 I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter one night.

00:06:19.580 Yeah.

00:06:19.960 Is this like...

00:06:21.640 Ask any question you have.

00:06:23.640 Hello?

00:06:24.480 I can talk.

00:06:25.420 Take your time.

00:06:25.960 Oh, oh, oh. 1.00

00:06:27.160 Hold the fuck now. 1.00

00:06:28.080 Come back. 1.00

00:06:28.900 Come back.

00:06:30.260 Where'd you go?

00:06:31.160 This is my impression of Brittany just now.

00:06:33.020 Is...

00:06:33.500 a stroke mid-sentence short-circuited jesus what thought of you being a bodyguard literally

00:06:41.700 made her short circuit for a second something's in this dp girl oh we're drinking dp in the mugs

00:06:46.580 we're doing dp sorry that's just the perp full sugar don't mind it don't mind this have you 0.99

00:06:51.000 seen that fucking tweet that's that white girl who tweeted and she said um lean is a drug 0.99

00:06:55.880 do not whatever let's yeah it was me okay you bodyguarded for fucking nick cannon i don't 1.00

00:07:06.660 whatever if i bodyguarded for nick cannon i'd have a kid by now at least two i'd be pregnant 0.99

00:07:14.120 uh he would have found a way to impregnate you yeah that's true i'm always trying to get somebody

00:07:18.320 to impregnate me i would love to carry well what are you doing after this would you get me pregnant

00:07:22.920 um if i could be a deadbeat mother i don't see any other way 1.00

00:07:27.360 i wouldn't have you involved in the kids

00:07:30.140 okay tell me the story i don't know well i bought a carter for aaron carter it was one night i was

00:07:37.380 in college and um you know he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security detail

00:07:41.660 and so for sure and uh who's the biggest gayest guy we know yeah they said who's the biggest 1.00

00:07:48.500 faggot in three square miles they said who do we have that's with any place you go that's gonna be 1.00

00:07:54.920 top spot that's me i'm big dog i'm hey i'm i'm i'm king shit on big dick mountain everywhere i go 1.00

00:08:01.140 everywhere i go and uh yeah so so me and my buddy on the student activities council they said well 0.98

00:08:07.060 he needs security and i said i'm on it we walked around campus all day with walkie-talkies pretending

00:08:10.760 to like you know scout the place and then yeah i got it from all night he kissed me on the forehead

00:08:15.600 it was beautiful

00:08:17.380 he made passionate love

00:08:18.780 in front of the audience 1.00

00:08:20.000 no the audience did want to fuck him though 1.00

00:08:22.120 isn't that funny 0.99

00:08:22.740 because it was well past his time

00:08:24.980 but they really wanted 1.00

00:08:26.440 the girls were doing a nostalgia horniness 1.00

00:08:28.800 which is such a powerful horniness

00:08:30.220 I feel that way about Jesse McCartney 0.88

00:08:32.120 were y'all Jesse girls

00:08:34.720 not really no

00:08:35.800 beautiful soul

00:08:37.380 I like the song

00:08:40.180 I speak Spanish, Japanese

00:08:42.660 French

00:08:43.460 that can definitely make sense hey body a body a body language come on

00:08:49.680 oh i was in it i love i know the song because he had a lot of big booty girls in that music video 0.54

00:08:56.540 shaking ass we were what nine and i was like oh i'm into it okay okay just a little flavor i think 0.94

00:09:03.940 i know the moment that my grandma figured out i was gay because i was at her house for thanksgiving 0.94

00:09:08.080 and i was like i was like i want to show you a song that's really important to me and she was

00:09:12.120 like okay and i took her over to the desktop computer and i put on beautiful soul and i was 0.67

00:09:17.620 singing along and i was like i don't know she's like gay i'm looking back i'm like 0.77

00:09:23.980 and then look i choreographed something to it as well i'm like you're body rolling 0.78

00:09:31.600 you know and she literally you're doing a heels dance i'm square dancing you have knee pads on

00:09:39.040 Yeah.

00:09:39.880 Wildebeest at the playground.

00:09:42.300 Hold on, not too much on Wildebeest.

00:09:43.640 Dance play.

00:09:44.960 What's happening with Wildebeest?

00:09:46.420 I slide in the knee pads,

00:09:47.300 I pull a chain while I come from.

00:09:49.400 In my grandma's kitchen.

00:09:50.720 So you have some Shoe Dazzle heels on. 0.99

00:09:52.780 And she watched the whole thing and she went,

00:09:54.160 that's nice. 0.98

00:09:55.400 What is Shoe Dazzle heels?

00:09:56.520 You don't remember Shoe Dazzle?

00:09:57.520 Shoe Dazzle was a shoe subscription service.

00:10:00.540 What?

00:10:01.360 And they were the world's ugliest shoes.

00:10:03.720 I wore some to my Sweet 16.

00:10:05.000 Yeah, and guess what,

00:10:05.820 what do you know about JustFab?

00:10:07.220 Yeah, JustFab online.

00:10:09.040 Of course I know.

00:10:09.880 Some of the worst blisters you could ever think of

00:10:12.720 in your life.

00:10:13.560 They're literally shoe subscription websites

00:10:15.600 and they were the gaudiest,

00:10:16.740 most like Jersey Shore type heels.

00:10:19.800 Is this an intergenerational gap that's happening here?

00:10:22.320 How old are y'all? 1.00

00:10:23.320 You're the same age as me, bitch. 1.00

00:10:24.800 I'm like, just fab. 1.00

00:10:25.720 I've never heard of these things in my life. 1.00

00:10:27.160 And she's a fetus compared to us.

00:10:29.160 I am very, very young.

00:10:30.300 Yeah.

00:10:31.140 You're developmentally very far behind us.

00:10:34.740 Yeah, I would say you are a lot further behind us.

00:10:37.320 Same thing as I got a big forehead. 1.00

00:10:38.240 That's fucked. 1.00

00:10:39.100 You advocate for yourself though. 1.00

00:10:40.240 When we all went to dinner the other night,

00:10:41.360 you said, can we just pick a restaurant

00:10:42.460 that has pictures on the menu?

00:10:45.680 Because words are hard and I don't want to do that.

00:10:47.580 And I thought that was, I was like,

00:10:48.500 stand up for yourself, girl.

00:10:50.340 Advocate.

00:10:50.820 No, but advocate for yourself.

00:10:52.440 That's important.

00:10:53.640 What does advocate mean?

00:10:55.100 Yeah.

00:10:57.760 Did you spell it for me?

00:10:59.060 Yeah, use it in a sentence.

00:11:00.700 Dude, the first time we all got dinner together,

00:11:03.200 I thought that it was funny

00:11:04.320 because you group text us

00:11:06.060 and then you were like, 1.00

00:11:07.140 if you bitches don't answer me i'm gonna send a bomb to both of your houses 0.99

00:11:10.500 i appreciate that i need to be held that gunpoint me too and it's such a it's a quality about myself 1.00

00:11:20.840 that i'm trying to work on of trying to be better about responding and uh not ghosting people

00:11:26.380 because i do it to both of you and i will admit that caleb's like okay well let me know when you

00:11:30.680 start working on class one let me know when you start that hey when the program kicks off give

00:11:37.220 me a holler go ahead and hit me up girl i was gonna say you're good both of y'all are good

00:11:43.960 about like and i said you'll double text me oh i'll triple quadruple text yeah i'll literally 1.00

00:11:49.680 i'll literally at her in our group chat you know like it tells you extra like hey bitch 1.00

00:11:54.040 or sometimes she'll respond to memes on instagram and i'm like hey oh go ahead and hop over to that 0.96

00:11:59.780 group chat answer the other fucking 30 questions i asked you oh i'm glad you're having fun on 0.80

00:12:04.040 instagram let's uh let's pick up the phone and check out the text messages how about i'm working 0.89

00:12:09.220 on it y'all well as everybody here knows i'm sure the three of us have never been together on the

00:12:14.440 same pod before so this is legally we have not been allowed to yeah the restraining orders made

00:12:18.880 that a little difficult yeah the courts just lifted the embargo and we were allowed into 0.94

00:12:22.960 brats studios and we're going stupid going crazy yeah that is how it sounds when we all hang out 0.99

00:12:35.220 we go to dinner 100 gay nonsense i feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us 1.00

00:12:39.660 i know when we went to dinner the first time like a few months ago uh remember when we left 0.95

00:12:44.520 the hostess was like man you guys were laughing all night yeah is that derogatory yeah it felt

00:12:49.420 She was like, you guys were laughing all night. 1.00

00:12:51.440 It felt like it had a little bit of like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:12:53.780 Yeah, she's like, yeah, go ahead and get the fuck out of here, by the way. 0.99

00:12:57.180 At dinner, Jason said that was the first time the three of us ordered sodas. 0.99

00:13:01.520 And she was like, oh, I'm good with water. 0.99

00:13:03.300 And then Caleb was like, what, you think you're fucking better than us? 0.99

00:13:07.300 And then she got a soda. 1.00

00:13:08.780 Yeah, well. 1.00

00:13:09.840 Grow up and order the DP. 1.00

00:13:11.020 And then she necked it before the rest of us.

00:13:13.400 You're all, oh, didn't want a soda, huh?

00:13:14.840 By the way.

00:13:16.360 Didn't want one?

00:13:17.180 Downed it like a cartoon character sucking on a cactus in the desert. 1.00

00:13:21.120 Just fucking ate that shit up. 1.00

00:13:23.080 Like Popeye with spinach. 1.00

00:13:28.080 Here's what I'll say about me bullying Jason into getting a soda.

00:13:30.980 People are scared to say this.

00:13:32.080 Bullying works.

00:13:32.680 Bring it back.

00:13:33.720 Bring back shame and bullying.

00:13:35.580 What do you think got me this show the first place?

00:13:37.500 That's what I'm saying.

00:13:38.100 Period.

00:13:38.660 Thank you.

00:13:39.760 Thanks, guys.

00:13:40.660 Now we get to terrorize people for a living.

00:13:43.140 And I love that.

00:13:44.900 Well, you terrorize them by being annoying.

00:13:46.500 both of you that's very true mine's being mean i terrorize them live in person 0.95

00:13:52.500 i say buy a ticket come out i'm gonna be horrible to you

00:13:56.180 and they do and it is truly at a caleb show it's like seals in an audience 1.00

00:14:01.920 he's like you're ugly and you're fat 0.97

00:14:07.340 we went and watched caleb because i did an opening five for caleb 0.99

00:14:15.200 Hit eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight.

00:14:17.540 First time doing stand-up and Caleb trusted me to do it

00:14:19.920 and I said, okay, well I did bring a gun,

00:14:21.640 so hope that's cool with you.

00:14:23.540 Someone's going out, I don't know if it's me

00:14:24.520 or someone in the audience, but.

00:14:26.000 Suicide just activated. 0.52

00:14:26.840 Just in case it bombs, I have a plan B.

00:14:28.480 Just so everybody knows.

00:14:29.480 I did not allow you to do a set on the show.

00:14:31.580 I begged you for months to do a set anywhere.

00:14:34.300 And then you came and did a phenomenal set.

00:14:36.080 You were very good at it.

00:14:37.260 Thank you very much.

00:14:38.180 Did you have fun?

00:14:39.060 I had honestly a blast.

00:14:40.420 I was telling him it felt like something completely different

00:14:42.980 from like doing TikTok or whatever.

00:14:44.900 doing comedy online is very different so the feeling was awesome it's a rush i was nervous 0.53

00:14:49.880 as fuck i'm never nervous for work stuff but i was really nervous for that because you were

00:14:53.580 a theater kid adjacent yeah i did theater in school but not a lot of it because i was an 0.98

00:14:58.980 athlete too it's that feeling of like yeah being on a stage where you can't see the audience and

00:15:04.000 it's just the lights and it's like okay i hope i remember what i was going to do but don't and

00:15:08.400 it's like also they're there to see you because they love you yeah that's it's a pat on the back

00:15:12.500 too. Brittany remembers that feeling from when she

00:15:14.500 was in high school and she played the grandma in the Addams Family.

00:15:18.180 Period true. Period true. And that is a truth of mine.

00:15:20.500 At Keller High School, I've seen pictures. I found pictures.

00:15:22.740 And did I win a Kelly Award? Yes, I did.

00:15:24.380 Yes, you sure did. At Keller ISD

00:15:27.000 in Texas. She's like, every

00:15:28.500 time I was in theater, they always made me like an

00:15:30.420 old lady or a man. Yeah.

00:15:32.360 And I was like, okay. I did experiment with

00:15:34.300 cross-dressing at one point in my life. Yeah.

00:15:36.540 For art. For art. Which is so beautiful.

00:15:38.720 And then I started doing it behind closed doors.

00:15:40.700 Yeah. And that's drag. And that's drag

00:15:42.500 this is like such a random story but when i was in fifth grade we did this project where you had

00:15:47.620 to do like it was like a human wax museum so you had to pick someone that you admire in history

00:15:52.900 do like a little paper on them and then i'm back to school that you to dress like them

00:15:56.320 write like a minute monologue visit bet mgm casino and check out the newest exclusive

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00:16:26.100 and then like pretend you have a button and then someone would press it and then you have to

00:16:30.520 no one ever guesses because it's just the most absurd pick in the world who did you pick I picked

00:16:38.300 king george the third which is the worst king in english monarch history one of them king girl why

00:16:44.220 i don't i don't know 0.69

00:16:46.340 and i remember my i was the only girl who cross-dressed i was the only one who picked a man

00:16:54.580 and also i did not pick someone i admired person i don't know why like my teacher literally called

00:16:59.920 my mom and was like i feel like she should pick somebody else like let's look into him a little

00:17:04.660 bit more i feel like she should pick somebody else steadfast in her decision yeah my mom was

00:17:07.900 well does she really want to do it and then she was like yeah like she she told me i have all 0.98

00:17:11.660 the material prepared because i did and she was like then just let her do it who gives a fuck 0.97

00:17:15.340 yeah yeah the jury's like hey noelle it's miss blake um drew's being a little dykey with her 0.95

00:17:20.800 um jury's out on day sim but it's not looking good over there 0.99

00:17:24.920 oh dude sometimes i look back at my sister's crushes i'm like lesbian yeah she's so gay it's

00:17:32.500 crazy yeah like some of the people she liked i'm like yeah that yeah like jonathan taylor thomas 0.96

00:17:37.660 That was such a big, like anybody, when someone was like a home, someone was like Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement, if it was a girl, I was like, you're gay. 0.95

00:17:44.320 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:44.960 Sorry, you're gay. 0.99

00:17:45.840 You know what was another one is, I had some gay cousins who had a similar thing who loved Artie from Glee. 0.96

00:17:52.440 That's their fave.

00:17:53.400 That's their fave.

00:17:54.040 And I was like, interesting.

00:17:56.620 Of all the men on that show, that is interesting.

00:18:01.020 Hey, no worries.

00:18:02.280 And all right.

00:18:04.900 We love you how you are.

00:18:06.860 How you are.

00:18:07.520 no worries yeah it's like that's okay just not in front of me yeah whatever you do in the privacy

00:18:13.360 of your home and i remember i was um king uh yeah i was king george the third do you have a fact for

00:18:19.360 us about king george the third that you remember the only one i really remember is that he was

00:18:23.480 one of if not the worst english monarch like he he tanked the economy he everybody hated him he

00:18:29.680 refused to die uh and he like went he went insane like on the throne he went insane and he refused 0.97

00:18:34.620 to relinquish you said i'm low-key fucking with it i was like and you know what that's tea 0.96

00:18:38.420 maybe he's on to something we got motion twin perseverance yeah he and i are not alike because 0.98

00:18:44.220 i'll tell you as soon as the opportunity to die presents itself i'm taking it i will not fight

00:18:49.400 when you see jumping on it oh yeah when you see people people coming out of comas and they're

00:18:52.620 like she's a fighter i'm not i'll go go ahead let me go yeah i've had a good time but i'm not

00:18:57.720 begging to stick around you know what i mean you do strike me as like gill from finding nemo

00:19:01.620 just like just bend through it

00:19:03.600 the hot scarred one

00:19:04.980 that's the fish that people say they're attracted to 0.98

00:19:07.860 I know that's fucking right 0.99

00:19:08.860 I know that's fucking right 0.99

00:19:11.820 I wish I had a face scar 0.99

00:19:13.360 God I would work that

00:19:14.520 God I would work you

00:19:17.000 y'all cut me 0.96

00:19:17.640 y'all cut me on the show

00:19:19.440 I'm like I don't need that

00:19:20.860 comedically large sword

00:19:25.720 sometimes I look at my past

00:19:27.940 when I was like a child and I'm like

00:19:29.320 yeah I needed attention bad

00:19:31.440 this makes sense

00:19:32.540 you know what I mean

00:19:33.340 yeah I needed that

00:19:34.240 anything to be different

00:19:35.120 yeah and literally

00:19:36.420 anything at all

00:19:37.300 did you guys have any

00:19:38.980 memories like that

00:19:39.740 when you were kids

00:19:40.200 I'll tell you what

00:19:41.080 I got one

00:19:41.720 let's hear it

00:19:42.740 every day for about two years

00:19:44.060 I refused to wear anything

00:19:45.540 except for cowboy boots

00:19:46.840 with a full

00:19:47.760 Ken City Chiefs

00:19:48.560 wind suit

00:19:49.100 and a little cowboy hat

00:19:50.940 and here's what I would do

00:19:51.600 to play

00:19:51.980 this was my play

00:19:52.700 okay

00:19:53.000 this was my play

00:19:54.800 I was like seven

00:19:55.460 I would go out in the yard

00:19:56.660 with a shovel

00:19:57.200 and I would dig in a ditch

00:19:59.080 for a couple hours

00:19:59.720 I would just dig around

00:20:00.520 I'd move dirt around

00:20:01.360 and I'd go inside

00:20:02.640 all dirty and sweaty 1.00

00:20:03.340 and my mom would be like 0.99

00:20:03.960 how was work today

00:20:04.820 why are you cosplaying

00:20:07.700 blue collar 1.00

00:20:08.480 girl

00:20:09.100 girl 0.75

00:20:09.720 the way I would go 0.93

00:20:10.400 in the house dirty

00:20:11.020 I'd be like rolling up

00:20:11.760 my sleeves

00:20:12.060 I'd be like

00:20:12.280 can I get some water 0.99

00:20:12.940 she'd be like

00:20:13.760 can I get some water 0.97

00:20:14.740 and my co-workers

00:20:15.840 were all imaginary

00:20:16.900 named after country music stars

00:20:18.500 I'd be like

00:20:19.080 oh me Kenny Chesney

00:20:20.180 me Kenny Chesney

00:20:23.920 Tim McGraw

00:20:24.560 I'd be like

00:20:25.200 I'd be like

00:20:26.440 me Kenny and Tim

00:20:27.140 got about as much done

00:20:27.840 as we could out there today

00:20:28.700 but

00:20:28.980 it was a hot one 0.99

00:20:30.380 and my mom would be like

00:20:30.900 I know that's right, but I'm dead ass serious.

00:20:33.220 What are you doing physically? 1.00

00:20:35.140 Reba's going to wring my neck in the morning. 1.00

00:20:37.520 Reba's going to have my ass. 1.00

00:20:38.540 I would go out there and dig ditches, 0.99

00:20:41.300 and I would just dig all day long, and I'd go inside. 1.00

00:20:43.300 My mom, who's actually a single mom working multiple jobs, 1.00

00:20:45.340 by the way, would have to play along to my little bits. 0.93

00:20:49.720 We're going to see if she answers me right now. 0.86

00:20:53.300 Oh, my God.

00:20:54.500 Answered on the first ring. 1.00

00:20:55.280 Pathetic. 1.00

00:20:57.000 Hey, Mom. 1.00

00:20:58.420 She said, I don't have a life.

00:20:59.420 Oh, girl.

00:20:59.840 Okay.

00:21:00.060 Hey, you're on a podcast.

00:21:00.900 so um my friends britney and drew here do you want to say hi how are you hi i'm good how are

00:21:08.000 you good hey i wanted to ask you a quick question you're on you're on camera and and audio well

00:21:12.880 you're on audio um when i was a kid did i did i dress up in cowboy boots in a full chiefs

00:21:19.580 windsuit for like a year or two straight yeah i had to basically wait for you to fall asleep

00:21:24.380 and take it off and what would he do in the windsuit when he was playing yeah what would

00:21:28.580 do in the yard when i was playing with kenny and tim you did all sorts of stuff with kenny and tim

00:21:34.900 okay not being very specific mom the content's better if you say specific things

00:21:40.500 you talked to him i had to set a plate at the table for him she had to set a plate at the

00:21:44.580 table for them yeah for kenny i would make me for kenny but i had to for kenny i guess kenny

00:21:50.660 didn't deserve to eat that's would i or would i not go out and like play in the dirt and pretend

00:21:56.100 that we had worked like a long, hard day.

00:21:58.240 Oh, yes.

00:21:59.800 Yes.

00:22:00.740 She would come in and be so tired

00:22:03.100 from working outside with Timmy 1.00

00:22:04.540 and here I had worked a 12-hour shit. 0.99

00:22:06.620 That's what I say. 0.99

00:22:09.400 That's what I say.

00:22:10.380 All right, I love you, girl.

00:22:11.240 You have a good one, okay?

00:22:12.660 Love you.

00:22:13.340 Bye.

00:22:13.600 Bye. 0.99

00:22:14.500 She's like, yeah, here I am fucking toiling 0.99

00:22:16.580 over three jobs, by the way. 1.00

00:22:17.980 By the way, a nurse. 1.00

00:22:20.560 A nurse. 0.98

00:22:21.060 And she has to handle me coming in 1.00

00:22:22.280 being like, where's the water, bitch? 1.00

00:22:24.460 God, and dinner's not ready? 1.00

00:22:26.100 Yeah, on the table, bitch, you know. 1.00

00:22:28.220 Oh my God. 1.00

00:22:29.160 She was tickled pink by that.

00:22:30.280 Did you hear her at the end?

00:22:30.900 She loved that.

00:22:32.020 Oh, God.

00:22:34.880 Yeah, she's down bad. 0.80

00:22:36.200 She's down bad. 1.00

00:22:36.760 She stands me hard. 1.00

00:22:37.740 I like how you were cosplaying blue collar work. 1.00

00:22:40.960 Oh, couldn't help it. 0.81

00:22:41.400 You're a mine coal.

00:22:42.220 You knew you would never. 0.56

00:22:44.180 No, I knew then.

00:22:45.260 I was like, this is about as dirty as it's going to get for me.

00:22:47.160 Yeah, you're like, I'm all about the pageantry of hard work, but not the actual hard work.

00:22:52.120 Stolen valor.

00:22:52.440 Like physical, physical.

00:22:53.700 Really stolen valor.

00:22:54.640 Stolen valor.

00:22:55.280 or railroad workers.

00:22:57.120 Well, I'm looking at y'all's hands

00:22:58.220 and they've never worked a day in their lives.

00:22:59.640 And so the three of us,

00:23:00.760 we have a lot in common in that.

00:23:02.440 That is true.

00:23:03.600 What was y'all's first job?

00:23:04.720 What was y'all's first job?

00:23:05.580 Oh, my very first job?

00:23:09.180 I think it was like legitimately

00:23:10.680 when I got paid for it was in college

00:23:12.120 and I worked in like the athletics,

00:23:15.280 athletic department office.

00:23:16.560 I was like an assistant.

00:23:17.820 At the University of Hawaii? 0.98

00:23:18.920 Yeah, I was literally like an Aaron running whore. 0.97

00:23:21.120 Like that's all I was. 0.96

00:23:22.040 I was printing papers and putting them

00:23:23.820 and getting yelled at.

00:23:25.280 sweating in a two tight polo

00:23:27.500 that actually seems to be a theme in all my jobs

00:23:29.120 you were in those polos bits

00:23:30.840 button to the top 0.99

00:23:33.020 one mono boob 1.00

00:23:34.920 you were keeping dick sporting goods alive 1.00

00:23:36.720 alive and well actually 0.97

00:23:38.580 academy and you can guess

00:23:41.180 I was a Baskin Robbins employee

00:23:42.720 surely by my thick knuckles

00:23:45.460 from scooping 0.85

00:23:46.220 your dirty palms

00:23:48.300 my calloused palms from scooping

00:23:51.300 how was that job?

00:23:52.440 it was

00:23:53.040 I think every single person

00:23:55.660 should have to work in the food industry.

00:23:57.060 I was a server in college once.

00:23:59.460 I think every single person should have to either

00:24:01.440 prepare food for people or serve food

00:24:03.560 to people because it teaches you a lot about

00:24:05.520 humanity and it teaches you a lot about

00:24:07.780 how unhygienic places are.

00:24:09.560 I was 16, mind you. They let me

00:24:11.500 open and close the store by my lonesome.

00:24:14.460 At 16 years old?

00:24:15.740 I'm taking money out of the register.

00:24:18.140 I'm scooping, like

00:24:19.440 digging my own spoon in there.

00:24:21.780 I'm double dipping.

00:24:23.040 that's actually how covid started yeah well in the daiquiri ice tub in the baskin robbins

00:24:28.840 in south lake texas i had grown men coming in every day being like the usual for me

00:24:33.780 this is my first day here also their usual a large praline milkshake yeah yeah you know how

00:24:42.700 large this is how big a large is at baskin robbins dude that is a large it's like that panda

00:24:48.920 express cub it's like 32 ounces period a leader yelling at me when i'm like sir we ran out

00:24:56.200 yeah you were dry yeah you were in here yesterday and the day before and the truck comes once a

00:25:01.000 week you're like that's 72 ounces of praline milkshake you've consumed hey baby i'll talk

00:25:07.280 to upper management but for now pick a different one you know what i mean let me see what i can

00:25:12.400 get going for you oh my god yeah it was horrible being a server was the worst job i've literally

00:25:16.420 ever had oh i loved it did you oh my god i worked in food service for four years at my first job

00:25:20.960 ever i decorated cakes at a golden corral period now i did not know golden crawl had decorated 0.93

00:25:25.760 cakes you better fucking believe it that's your that's your culture they have little carrots on 0.99

00:25:29.000 every slice golden corral that's where your people go to worship oh my yo you're absolutely 0.99

00:25:33.000 right it's the closest thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church 100 i loved waiting

00:25:37.440 tables i honestly miss it i loved i just loved it that makes sense yeah i was like i was like

00:25:42.360 i was like what is going on y'all why am i euphoric i would go up to a table and i'd be like

00:25:48.560 hey hey boy am i good to see you i'm glad oh my god i'm good to see y'all aren't you

00:25:54.560 aren't you a sight for sunrise i'm good to see y'all i loved it every single table i was like

00:25:59.320 this is a new friend i loved it so much and when they ordered something complicated i loved it even

00:26:02.880 more because that's what fellowship because i said what's gonna happen i'm gonna get it right

00:26:07.100 and you're gonna be you're gonna be shocked oh i loved it it's community oh yeah it is my first

00:26:12.220 fellowship and last serving job i worked in like a steakhouse in hawaii and i told the guy up front

00:26:17.620 i'm like i can only work part-time because i like had a full class load and another job so i was

00:26:21.760 like this is like literally getting fucked up money like this is the money i so my other money 0.68

00:26:25.640 can go towards my bills this is for me getting drunk period and so um i made good money too 0.86

00:26:30.920 because it was like a high-end steakhouse and i remember he was like okay two three days a week 0.62

00:26:35.760 i'm like cool i start working it's hard as fuck mind you why i had to come in three hours before 0.54

00:26:41.180 my shift and set up like the salad bar and everything and i had to like yeah girl that was 0.95

00:26:46.120 our whole goddamn day you're harvesting the lettuce i literally remember my very first day

00:26:54.960 he was like you need shorts and a t-shirt is what i wore and then like you had to have white shoes 0.99

00:26:59.440 and so the shorts i thought he said black but it's supposed to be khaki so i brought black like black

00:27:05.480 shorts the same the right length whatever i was like oh i'm sorry i was like it's okay i'll buy

00:27:09.160 another one after today and then i'll wear them he goes well you can't wear those on the floor like

00:27:12.260 you have to be in uniform and i'm like well i don't have any he's like don't worry i have some

00:27:16.340 and you're probably wondering didn't you say it was a man yeah i did and he went and got his

00:27:20.920 backup cargo shorts which turned out to be another man who served there they were his shorts

00:27:25.240 why they were at the restaurant i don't know not sisterhood of the traveling cargo

00:27:28.520 i'm like these are the community cargoes so he told me to put them on yeah he told me to put

00:27:34.260 them on he's like you can't serve unless you put these on i put them on they're men's cargo shorts 1.00

00:27:39.100 i'm not a man obviously so they're like tight as fuck on my fupa and my fucking stomach and then 0.99

00:27:45.200 they're like literally skin tight on the thighs and then they bell bottom right here so i look 1.00

00:27:50.720 like the world's worst safari park ranger and i'm like you got me looking fucked and i literally 0.99

00:27:55.760 have a big ass camel toe and a wedgie you gotta have a moose knuckle too all of a sudden i'm like 0.98

00:28:03.820 the moose knuckle comes with the cargoes apparently and i was like i can't wear these 0.74

00:28:09.240 like i was literally like in tears because i'm like this is the fugliest i've ever looked and

00:28:12.920 i told him i'm like can i please put on my other shorts he was like no so i served all night in

00:28:18.500 those and i know you did and i had such bad chub rub and my legs weren't even touching

00:28:23.000 they were literally and that's from the shorts literally just chafing away and i thought to

00:28:27.880 myself yeah i'm not gonna last year after that day and i got fired oh oh hold on hold the phone

00:28:36.960 i only served there for probably like two-ish months and then like one day i came in and he

00:28:42.220 told me oh so i i have shifts for you for a christmas break and i'm not obviously didn't

00:28:47.760 live in hawaii like i was going home i was like no i told you i'm going home for the holidays and

00:28:51.240 he was like well if you want to move up in the restaurant industry stop right there i don't

00:28:55.060 pause hey i don't like you made me look like a safari worker on my first date i don't want to 0.99

00:28:59.620 work here forever you out of your fucking mind and so i was like yeah no i told you i can only 0.99

00:29:04.060 do part-time i'm doing my three shifts a week and he was like oh okay next time i came in to serve 0.99

00:29:08.440 he had me train somebody like a man and he's like oh i need you to train this guy he's gonna work

00:29:12.600 the shifts that you don't pick up i'm like okay mind you this guy he's tweaking like the minute

00:29:17.520 i meet him he's he's like you know what i'm saying josh peck from that one episode yeah he's literally

00:29:22.380 like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot and i was like okay and he kept he left i'm not kidding

00:29:28.140 at least 20 times during the shift to go do meth in the bathroom like literally i can hear him i

00:29:33.440 followed him over there once to like listen and i heard it like

00:29:35.760 no for real i was like like that it's like the start of a lil wayne song no that is crazy

00:29:49.840 you should be allowed to do meth at work that's real legalize it after the shift my manager's

00:30:00.120 like oh can i talk to you outside i'm like yeah sure and i figure it's about the guy and i'm like

00:30:04.160 hey he's doing meth i don't think he's the guy my gut tells me meth is a big no he's not our guy

00:30:09.080 yeah i go out there i'm like okay i do have a lot of notes and he goes yeah um i'm moving you off

00:30:14.160 your shifts and i'm putting you on call uh exclusively and you no longer work here that's 0.58

00:30:18.140 like literally what he told me and i was like type shit i was like oh oh okay well did you 0.63

00:30:24.020 want to hear about the meth guy no okay he said if i'm going down everyone's going down with me 0.98

00:30:29.440 yeah and i was like oh okay well all right and i just like went got my shit and left and then i 0.50

00:30:35.080 called dason and i was like call her at the bus i'm sitting at the bus stop across the street by 0.56

00:30:39.220 the way so they're all watching me as i'm sitting there and tears in my eyes and i'm calling my 0.79

00:30:43.500 sister and she's fucked up going home from a Demi Lovato concert what's going on and then I was 0.95

00:30:51.060 like dude I think I just got fucking fired like I'm literally like in the background like give 0.98

00:30:56.200 you a heart and break she's still there she's in the bathroom at the stadium remember when she 0.98

00:31:03.080 sang heart attack

00:31:03.740 at that cardiovascular event?

00:31:05.280 What?

00:31:06.900 What?

00:31:07.760 Do you guys remember that?

00:31:09.760 She did that recently.

00:31:11.200 No.

00:31:11.980 She went to

00:31:12.740 some sort of

00:31:13.880 cardiovascular

00:31:14.560 whatever event.

00:31:16.100 She sang heart attack

00:31:17.080 and then she couldn't believe

00:31:18.120 people were mad. 0.69

00:31:18.940 Mother bullet. 0.92

00:31:19.600 Mother bullet. 1.00

00:31:21.380 Mother attack.

00:31:23.140 I'm like, 1.00

00:31:23.760 what the fuck 0.99

00:31:24.260 were we even talking about? 0.99

00:31:26.480 I was like,

00:31:27.820 remember when she sang

00:31:28.580 that song

00:31:28.980 at the cardiovascular event? 1.00

00:31:30.420 Oh shit. 0.99

00:31:30.760 Anyways, 1.00

00:31:31.740 that's the story

00:31:32.400 of how I got fired

00:31:32.920 from my restaurant job.

00:31:33.860 One time I worked at Golden Corral,

00:31:35.100 you could put in like

00:31:35.920 time off requests

00:31:37.220 in this little system.

00:31:38.200 Yeah.

00:31:38.460 And this mean old guy

00:31:39.320 ran the restaurant named Kevin. 1.00

00:31:40.780 Kevin, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

00:31:42.620 I know you're watching, bitch. 1.00

00:31:44.480 Kevin, I know you're 1.00

00:31:45.160 a big fan of the pod.

00:31:46.140 Yeah, and I'm glad

00:31:46.760 your wife got everything

00:31:47.440 in the divorce.

00:31:51.260 What if he was a huge

00:31:52.120 comment sexy fan?

00:31:53.200 He's watching, he's like, 1.00

00:31:53.800 God damn it. 0.99

00:31:54.380 He's at home with his mug. 1.00

00:31:56.880 He's like, fuck. 1.00

00:31:58.220 Catching straight. 1.00

00:31:59.800 Kevin, eat a million dicks, 1.00

00:32:01.220 you weird bitch. 1.00

00:32:01.720 You know what you did, bitch. 1.00

00:32:03.500 But I put in a request saying I couldn't work. 1.00

00:32:05.460 There was one Friday night I couldn't work.

00:32:06.620 Mind you, I'm 15.

00:32:07.540 I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays.

00:32:10.840 How is it?

00:32:11.280 The GC at 5 a.m.?

00:32:13.140 Well, they have an omelet bar that I had to set up. 0.99

00:32:16.240 See, I always have to set shit up. 0.96

00:32:18.200 I had to get prepped for the omelet bar. 1.00

00:32:19.760 I was fist deep in the Baskin-Robbins toilet cleaning that shit, 1.00

00:32:22.660 cleaning all the vomit out of it. 1.00

00:32:24.880 I put in a request.

00:32:25.840 It was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. 0.98

00:32:27.680 It's literally like fucking Hilary Duff and Cinderella vibes. 0.97

00:32:30.420 So I'm like, I'm like, it's homecoming. 1.00

00:32:35.200 Fucking diner girl. 0.99

00:32:36.300 Do you have a Chad Michael Murray that popped into the story? 1.00

00:32:38.240 Oh God, no.

00:32:39.800 Don't care.

00:32:40.820 We'll talk about it off camera.

00:32:41.980 But I was like, there's one Friday night I can't work.

00:32:45.240 It's homecoming.

00:32:46.020 Yeah.

00:32:46.400 And I was like, so I can't work that night.

00:32:47.920 I put in the request, immediately get a phone call from Kevin.

00:32:49.660 And he goes, hi, I don't know if you have ever had a job before.

00:32:53.580 Now, mind you, I am 15. 0.97

00:32:55.860 So no, sir, I have not at your big ass age. 0.98

00:32:58.940 Actually, I haven't. 0.98

00:32:59.760 Oh, no, that's just my first one.

00:33:01.120 I'm shocked you couldn't tell.

00:33:03.480 And he goes, you don't tell your boss

00:33:05.120 when you can and can't work.

00:33:06.200 And I started crying, and I was like,

00:33:07.400 I'm up for a homecoming gig!

00:33:10.680 And did you win?

00:33:15.000 No.

00:33:16.680 No, but...

00:33:21.020 I, um, yeah, it was a tough time in my life. 0.99

00:33:23.840 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:33:25.060 We're adults, bitch, it's y'all. 1.00

00:33:26.240 You're 40. 1.00

00:33:26.800 like you guys are the married couple

00:33:32.720 oh my god have you ever won homecoming king queen prom queen i've won it all honey

00:33:44.060 i've won it all that's gonna be a note for me

00:33:47.300 i would vote for both of y'all for oh thanks so sweet y'all are the homecoming queens of my life

00:33:54.660 you want to hear something funny when i was in high school they had this rule that like because

00:33:58.780 social media was like i guess like it was newish right it was emerging because i'm from colonial

00:34:04.420 times so like you know i was on the covered wagon and instagram wasn't but you were in edwardian

00:34:09.500 times when i was in high school you had the printing press that just come out and gutenberg 0.95

00:34:13.700 was doing numbers the motherfucker i literally remember um the asb like the head of asb like 1.00

00:34:22.460 the teacher or whatever she was a bitch but she literally would not let you campaign on social 1.00

00:34:28.160 media like you could not tweet about it you couldn't post on instagram like you literally 1.00

00:34:31.340 couldn't do that because she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have social media girl which

00:34:35.400 i found to be bullshit personally but i remember when i was i think i was a junior gonna be a

00:34:40.920 senior so like dason and billy were both seniors at my high school at the time i was like running

00:34:45.560 for senior student council because i was trying to put it on my resume i was like so like yeah

00:34:50.960 but i was kind of like uh what's the least amount of responsibility okay i'll run for treasure like

00:34:56.180 that's how i decided so i was like what's the least amount of responsibility i was like what's

00:35:03.720 something i could get someone else to do for me i still have the title and so i literally was like

00:35:07.620 i'll do treasure and so they have like different stages of running for it so like the first one 0.93

00:35:12.920 was like you just had to get on the ballot and then the second like them having fucking primaries

00:35:16.560 and then the second one was like the actual one you had to go to iowa and caucus exactly 0.88

00:35:21.000 went to a corner yeah she's running red of course i'm like i did go to the nra but that was unrelated

00:35:26.580 yeah the convention but that was unrelated uh to my campaign but anyways it is relative to my 0.62

00:35:31.960 politics though and so then when i was three of us i completely fucking forgot like i completely

00:35:37.540 forgot that we were having the primary vote or whatever so i just started telling people i was 0.54

00:35:41.760 like hey hey make sure you vote for me today and i was like up against i think a cheerleader and

00:35:46.220 one other kid that was like his big asb kid and i was only two of us could make it and so i think 1.00

00:35:52.280 that cheerleader was pretty confident she was gonna be me because she had all these fancy ass

00:35:55.140 posters and everything everywhere and i was like i was just like word of mouth be like hey if you're

00:35:59.940 voting make sure you vote for me and so i i just started doing that but i didn't realize at the

00:36:03.980 time that dason and billy were both telling people to go vote for me too and like obviously you've

00:36:08.760 seen billy he looked like that in high school so yeah a lot of people are gonna listen to him

00:36:12.260 it's actually not true he looks like a mexican jonas brother i've seen the photos i don't care

00:36:17.060 what he looks like i've seen him now and if he came up to me in high school and said vote for

00:36:20.000 vote for this girl for a present i'd be like no worries actually whatever you want yeah 1.00

00:36:25.060 yeah six two in high school what the fuck is that yeah no i'm good anyways see you bitch and i 1.00

00:36:30.560 remember he he was helping campaign for me and i made it onto the ballot and then the for real 0.99

00:36:35.360 one started and i remember he tweeted about me at the like final thing and he was like hey everyone

00:36:40.560 make sure you go vote for drew and then i literally called him and i was like delete that 0.97

00:36:44.520 fucking tweet you're gonna get me fucking disqualified like i literally was so mad at him 0.98

00:36:48.700 because he tweeted that he was trying to ride for his woman oh yeah before i was his woman that was 1.00

00:36:53.280 when i was like you know what i mean i was in a real one of those phases with him yeah i was

00:36:56.880 really annoyed with him we've been through that many times yeah you with caleb yes oh god have we

00:37:02.320 ever that's pretty pretty privilege well this one this one my goofy y'all this my crazy y'all this 0.99

00:37:09.980 Silly, silly one right here. 0.98

00:37:11.800 The way she finally bagged me was I had told her no for two years straight. 1.00

00:37:17.500 At least.

00:37:17.940 I said, no, no, no. 1.00

00:37:18.560 I said, get away.

00:37:19.140 I'm not interested.

00:37:19.600 I'm not interested. 1.00

00:37:20.660 And she came up behind me.

00:37:22.660 I'm going to cry because this is so funny.

00:37:24.780 She came up.

00:37:25.580 I was getting in my car.

00:37:26.240 I was in a parking garage.

00:37:26.960 I was getting in my car. 0.57

00:37:27.760 She came up behind me and put chloroform over my face.

00:37:30.580 It works.

00:37:31.080 It works.

00:37:31.740 And I passed out.

00:37:32.780 And I came to in her house.

00:37:35.720 Yes.

00:37:36.320 And she said, you're going to be my man or else.

00:37:38.300 and uh we have been together ever since 13 years 13 years and and two beautiful children

00:37:44.280 that i do not care for that is she doesn't she really doesn't she really doesn't and i am just

00:37:51.000 picking up the slack and i'm happy to do it and we share a beautiful toyota camry and

00:37:56.240 serious question for both of you what's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you when

00:38:00.840 you were like in high school oh god something that like altered the trajectory of your path

00:38:06.000 oh i asked a young gentleman to prom and he said no what yeah yeah in what way like he just went

00:38:12.380 no in a way that was very visceral and um impassioned you know i was like i and i texted

00:38:18.400 him i got his that should have been my number one sign this was not a young gentleman that i had his

00:38:22.760 phone number previously okay i got it from someone and i texted him and i was like his name was aj

00:38:27.740 okay he was a young indian man okay i texted him and i said aj you know you and me have something

00:38:33.540 special uh do you want to go to prom together and he hit me back with a you know i don't look

00:38:38.420 at you like that no no no a no would have been good you could i mean just i know would have

00:38:45.920 been okay you said you said i felt something between us he said time out shrek

00:38:49.080 pause he said back to the swamp no he said he said that's not to hurt my feelings yeah 0.98

00:38:55.640 he said that's mean he said that's really mean that's really fucked up 0.69

00:38:58.820 that's mean that's mean that's really fucked up that you would say that to me yeah that was like 0.91

00:39:04.040 truly like i cried that night and i was like i could then i had to laugh because i was like 0.89

00:39:07.700 that's actually so mean it's hilarious him being like you know i don't see you like that i did not

00:39:13.220 i'm finding out right now so no news to me that's probably gonna be number one that's gonna be high

00:39:20.360 up there i um high school boy was really good for me nothing comes to mind yeah i mean i'm really

00:39:28.180 They're like, sorry, I want to have a sad story like yours,

00:39:30.600 but it was a pretty charmed life for me.

00:39:35.040 Bewitched.

00:39:35.540 I have one from middle school, though,

00:39:38.540 that comes to my mind constantly.

00:39:39.720 Sometimes when I'm just walking down the street

00:39:41.500 in the middle of a busy day, I'll go, oh, that happened.

00:39:43.480 Brings you to your knees.

00:39:44.440 I have one like that, too, from middle school.

00:39:46.820 I wanted to be more outgoing at school.

00:39:50.120 That was something I was working on.

00:39:51.120 Because at the time, I wasn't ever shy,

00:39:53.520 but I hadn't figured myself out yet.

00:39:56.800 And it was probably eighth grade,

00:39:57.980 and there was this student council meeting

00:40:00.380 that was going on

00:40:01.020 and all the cool kids

00:40:01.640 were going to be in there

00:40:02.340 and it was in Miss Munstroman's class. 0.99

00:40:04.820 Shout out Joy Munstroman.

00:40:06.100 I hope you're happy, girl.

00:40:07.260 I'm so sorry I'm not Christian anymore,

00:40:08.740 but my love to you.

00:40:10.360 And I am gay.

00:40:12.200 And I am gay.

00:40:12.960 And I don't think she would care about that.

00:40:14.120 She's pretty cool.

00:40:14.960 Well, I don't want to get into it.

00:40:16.080 But she, 0.94

00:40:17.420 it was a pajama day. 0.94

00:40:18.480 Okay.

00:40:18.820 And so I was wearing sleep pants

00:40:19.760 like everyone was.

00:40:20.860 And I pulled,

00:40:22.060 I was like,

00:40:22.360 oh, you know what would be funny

00:40:22.920 is if I pulled my sleep pants up real high.

00:40:25.340 The classic bit.

00:40:26.700 And I was like,

00:40:27.060 and so i was like so i was like i was like everyone will laugh at this and so i walked

00:40:31.960 into the room my sleeping foot up all high and i was like you don't do that and everyone did laugh

00:40:36.900 but everyone and i so since everyone laughed i kept doing it the rest of the day and finally

00:40:41.020 one of the cool kids like two hours later came over to me and he was like he was like hey uh

00:40:45.920 the bit you're doing with your pants like i know people are laughing but it's actually mean because 0.99

00:40:49.680 we're getting like a really visible outline of your ball sack and also your asshole and like 1.00

00:40:55.000 Your pants are so high up that like your balls 1.00

00:40:56.900 are on like crazy display. 1.00

00:40:59.040 And also your dick print is like really pronounced 1.00

00:41:01.720 and no one wants to tell you. 1.00

00:41:04.240 It's actually really fucking gross. 0.97

00:41:06.240 So go ahead and put that away for me. 0.98

00:41:07.900 And I literally, he's telling me this.

00:41:08.860 Back in the holster.

00:41:10.000 He's telling me this way in the hallway

00:41:11.260 while the pants are up.

00:41:12.520 And I'm just standing there receiving it.

00:41:14.780 And he tells me all of it.

00:41:15.620 He goes, he goes, no one wants to tell you.

00:41:16.960 And I go, thank you, Cooper.

00:41:19.540 I kind of, during the conversation,

00:41:21.080 I just kind of scooted the pants down.

00:41:23.620 And then I thought I could trust Cooper.

00:41:25.360 And then, there's more.

00:41:27.420 So then two months later,

00:41:28.540 well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good.

00:41:31.200 And so I thought I could trust him.

00:41:32.900 And so two months later at an assembly,

00:41:34.340 I was sitting by him.

00:41:35.280 I was like, okay, I know how I can be really popular

00:41:37.800 is if I just figure out what cologne Cooper wears.

00:41:40.340 And he'll probably tell me

00:41:41.180 because he was so cool to me about the pants thing.

00:41:42.500 Yeah, that's your girl, that's your.

00:41:43.920 That's my boy.

00:41:44.760 He was cool about the nutsack thing. 1.00

00:41:46.540 That's fucking. 0.99

00:41:47.380 He was so chill about my moose uncle. 1.00

00:41:48.880 He was so chill about it. 0.99

00:41:50.120 That's fucking Ohana. 1.00

00:41:53.620 That's fucking Familia right there. 1.00

00:41:55.220 That's Familia right there. 1.00

00:41:57.440 That's Gang, that's Famine.

00:41:58.100 That's Gang, that's Famine.

00:41:59.140 So I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper,

00:42:00.780 I said, Cooper, what cologne do you wear?

00:42:02.960 And he said, oh, it's just like,

00:42:04.820 I don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:42:05.880 And I go, oh yeah, but like, what is it?

00:42:09.100 And he goes, I really don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:42:11.540 And during this whole assembly,

00:42:12.580 I just keep, every time I get a chance,

00:42:13.780 being like, Cooper, do you even know

00:42:15.080 what the bottle looks like?

00:42:17.040 You know?

00:42:20.400 But I'm trying to play it cool.

00:42:21.880 So I'm like, yeah, I almost wonder

00:42:22.880 what the shape of the bottle is.

00:42:25.580 And he's like, oh yeah, I don't remember, man.

00:42:28.080 And like literally, I'm being so persistent

00:42:30.220 because I think I'm being coy, you know?

00:42:32.660 And then finally I go, I need to know what clone you are. 0.99

00:42:36.700 And you're going to fucking tell me now. 0.99

00:42:39.420 And he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? 0.99

00:42:42.380 And I go, yeah.

00:42:46.820 And he did, and it was lucky you.

00:42:49.640 It was lucky you, clone for men.

00:42:51.820 and that night when I got home I was like

00:42:54.240 mom you have to get me lucky you cologne 0.99

00:42:55.860 the fact that you're fucking interrogating him 0.99

00:43:01.400 no it really was like 0.99

00:43:03.060 it was like scenic the way it played out

00:43:04.740 like he would be talking to other people

00:43:06.040 he'd be like talking to the boys and like cutting up

00:43:07.780 and then there was a moment of silence I'd be like

00:43:09.060 anyway Coop

00:43:10.100 I'm imagining you having to repeat

00:43:14.240 cause he can't

00:43:14.960 it gets a little loud

00:43:16.480 Cooper

00:43:16.940 Cooper

00:43:17.980 like I was saying

00:43:20.720 speaking of smells 1.00

00:43:21.860 you guys are fucking 1.00

00:43:23.160 no you guys are so funny 1.00

00:43:24.640 Cooper what color is the box it comes in

00:43:26.580 what places does your mom shop regularly 0.51

00:43:31.180 which like department store would you say 0.92

00:43:33.120 like if I'm getting

00:43:34.160 if I listed some would you say hot or cold

00:43:36.440 yeah text your mom

00:43:38.100 Cooper what are the top notes

00:43:40.220 is it like a musk amber

00:43:43.560 I'ma come over

00:43:45.040 what if I come over after school dude

00:43:47.160 You can show me what the bottle is. 0.99

00:43:49.040 He's like, god damn, man. 0.99

00:43:50.900 Interpreting all of that as friendship. 0.99

00:43:52.640 By the way, what I know now is he didn't want to tell me the clone

00:43:55.780 because he didn't want to be clone brothers with me.

00:43:57.860 He didn't want me running around smelling like him

00:44:01.060 because that lowers his stock value.

00:44:02.800 That is real.

00:44:03.360 He didn't want me on the rise.

00:44:05.400 He was the original gatekeeper. 1.00

00:44:08.340 He said, you're fat, gay ass. 1.00

00:44:10.400 It's not going to bring down my stock value. 1.00

00:44:12.120 You smell like that fat, gay kid. 1.00

00:44:17.160 Cooper, why do you smell like sleep pants? 1.00

00:44:32.020 That's my nickname.

00:44:33.380 Why do you smell like ball sack sleep pants, kid? 0.98

00:44:35.380 You smell like that kid that was hanging brain in homeroom. 1.00

00:44:38.080 Cooper, you smell like that fat faggot. 1.00

00:44:48.880 Oh, that's so fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:44:51.800 You smell like that faggot. 1.00

00:44:54.120 And he knew, and he knew, he knew to kick you. 1.00

00:44:58.040 Because the first thing I did when I found out was go get a bottle, honey.

00:45:01.380 He just didn't stop.

00:45:03.120 You were like, no, but for real, for real, for real though.

00:45:06.300 Like, let's get real.

00:45:07.140 No, seriously.

00:45:07.960 You can't give a mouse a cookie.

00:45:08.880 He gave me one kindness.

00:45:10.800 He gave me one kindness.

00:45:12.180 No, because you give a mouse a cookie

00:45:13.260 and he's going to Macy's after school.

00:45:14.640 He said,

00:45:15.560 Tico,

00:45:16.140 lucky two colognes.

00:45:17.920 He said, hey man,

00:45:18.760 everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack.

00:45:20.080 And I say, you're family. 0.97

00:45:22.740 You're blood to me, pimp. 1.00

00:45:24.160 He was home and talked shit. 1.00

00:45:25.200 I have no way of knowing 0.99

00:45:26.700 because I never checked back in,

00:45:27.720 but I could almost guarantee you

00:45:29.780 he switched colognes.

00:45:30.860 Call Cooper the way you just called your mom.

00:45:32.320 Get Coup on Skype.

00:45:35.200 Yeah, fans listening at home,

00:45:37.100 do the over-under on whether or not

00:45:38.180 me and Cooper are still in touch.

00:45:41.860 Everyone run some bets, I'll let you know.

00:45:44.200 You pulling up your pants for a bit?

00:45:46.740 Just dancing around?

00:45:47.900 I will say, as a fellow fatty, previously,

00:45:51.680 there was something very, I call it the Chris Farley bit.

00:45:56.680 It's the funny of like, you know,

00:45:58.260 you pull up your, tuck it under your boot.

00:45:59.680 It's a real truffle shuffle vibe.

00:46:02.260 I mean, it's the classic Chippendales, Chris Farley skit.

00:46:05.120 They just love to see that sort of...

00:46:07.100 It'll kill every time until it doesn't.

00:46:09.180 Oh, yeah.

00:46:09.660 Until Coop has to get real with you in the hallway.

00:46:11.320 Yeah.

00:46:11.800 Then it's not that great anymore.

00:46:13.140 Until he does a one-on-one in the hallway.

00:46:14.760 He's like, hey, can I talk to you outside for a sec?

00:46:16.480 Performance review.

00:46:17.340 Yeah, until I've got Coop up against a wall 0.99

00:46:19.580 with a knife to his neck, 1.00

00:46:20.960 asking him what the fucking cologne is. 1.00

00:46:23.240 What's the cologne, brother? 1.00

00:46:25.740 No, seriously. 0.96

00:46:27.120 Hey, you're cool, but I fucking had it with the game. 0.96

00:46:31.020 He said, will you leave me alone? 0.96

00:46:33.920 And you said, yeah.

00:46:34.640 Because I had a blast, I know how I'm getting ahead.

00:46:38.220 Give me the Formioli.

00:46:47.320 In high school, what were you in?

00:46:49.640 Student council and what else?

00:46:51.120 Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty much figured out

00:46:53.100 how to be what people wanted me to be.

00:46:55.200 So things were going better.

00:46:56.040 I wasn't having any Cooper interactions anymore.

00:46:57.840 Oh, this was middle school.

00:46:58.900 This was middle school.

00:46:59.740 So I leveled it out by high school.

00:47:00.580 High school was pretty fine.

00:47:01.880 I was in everything.

00:47:02.720 I was in like FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council.

00:47:06.960 You were not in FFA.

00:47:08.040 Maybe I was creed speaking, soils team, and cattle team.

00:47:10.980 I judged cattle in high school.

00:47:12.520 We've talked about this actually.

00:47:13.540 Did you really?

00:47:14.200 Oh, I judged cattle in high school.

00:47:15.580 Yes, I did.

00:47:16.080 He's a real agrarian.

00:47:17.440 I'm an agrarian.

00:47:17.780 Sounds like it.

00:47:18.540 Yeah.

00:47:18.800 Well, I joined because they had a public speaking.

00:47:20.260 They had creed speaking. 0.98

00:47:21.440 And I wanted to do, I was like, watch me body the fuck out of that. 0.97

00:47:24.800 Creed, you're just singing. 0.59

00:47:25.720 Can you take me higher?

00:47:27.340 Creed the smell.

00:47:28.220 Can you take me higher?

00:47:29.420 No, but I wanted to do the Creed speaking,

00:47:32.940 but you had to be on three teams, that was the rule.

00:47:34.360 And so, they put me on Soyl's team,

00:47:36.360 which I was pretty promptly kicked off of.

00:47:38.440 I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt,

00:47:39.640 and every time I was like, ugh.

00:47:41.100 But you were so familiar with it as a child, apparently.

00:47:43.540 Things have changed by now.

00:47:44.380 Blue collar.

00:47:45.320 That was when he was blue collar, though. 0.93

00:47:46.740 You guys aren't keeping up with my law. 0.95

00:47:47.660 You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me, 1.00

00:47:49.040 because this shit is too white for me. 1.00

00:47:50.400 I don't know what any of that means. 1.00

00:47:51.620 That's like redneck shit. 1.00

00:47:52.800 It's real like southern shit? 1.00

00:47:54.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:55.040 And it's like, at your high school?

00:47:57.040 Yeah, not too much now, yeah.

00:47:59.400 y'all tread lightly but yes we had ffa and it was uh uh i mean we never saw them it was like

00:48:05.860 they went to a different school they're in the act building yes they're in the act building and 0.99

00:48:09.020 the portables yeah portables yes yeah they said get the fuck out of here they smell like swine 1.00

00:48:14.120 yeah we had our prom in a hog sale building we had our prom in a hog uh hog barn and they were 0.99

00:48:21.320 like they're like don't worry they're gonna sweep it out and i was like they're gonna sweep it out 0.98

00:48:23.920 well thank god i was worried about them not sweeping it out i was like there's hog shit 0.98

00:48:28.720 in the construction of the place. 0.98

00:48:31.480 It's in the essence of the building.

00:48:33.200 And you know what? 1.00

00:48:34.040 Asbestos and hog shit. 0.99

00:48:35.260 I think on my face, it was a beautiful dance. 0.99

00:48:37.140 My junior year of prom, that's when I said no to Billy, 1.00

00:48:40.720 but I went with a Mormon dude 1.00

00:48:42.600 and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life. 1.00

00:48:45.040 Could you describe the ambience?

00:48:46.700 What music was playing?

00:48:48.040 Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown?

00:48:51.100 Oh yeah, no, I had a full length like sleeveless,

00:48:55.000 lots of tulle on the bottom.

00:48:56.720 It was like an aqua turquoise-y blue. 0.99

00:48:59.260 You curved Billy for a Mormon. 1.00

00:49:00.780 Yeah, fuck me, honestly. 1.00

00:49:02.380 Billy, call me, brother. 1.00

00:49:04.660 You've been put through too much by this woman.

00:49:07.060 It's funny, too, because he actually texted Jason and was like,

00:49:11.340 hey, do you think Drew would go to prom with me?

00:49:13.180 And he said, please don't tell her.

00:49:15.140 And then she goes, oh, my God, dude, guess who just texted me?

00:49:17.540 Tells me immediately, like minutes after. 0.73

00:49:20.640 Queen.

00:49:20.960 No loyalty.

00:49:21.880 And I was like, I can't, because at the time,

00:49:23.840 there was drama at the time,

00:49:24.780 but he had broken up with a girl who was friends with me

00:49:26.760 and I was like, I just didn't want the drums.

00:49:28.760 And so I was trying to be a good friend.

00:49:30.280 Girl's girl.

00:49:30.860 Yeah.

00:49:31.800 From the beginning, mind you.

00:49:33.240 Girl's girl's on the jump.

00:49:33.980 Yeah, and then I was like, I can't do that.

00:49:35.600 Even though they'd been broken up for like two years,

00:49:36.940 I was just like, she's my friend and I think, you know, whatever.

00:49:39.700 And so that was a big L on my part, to be honest,

00:49:41.960 because she literally said, she said no.

00:49:44.660 That's what she texted him.

00:49:46.200 She said no.

00:49:49.040 He said it's actually no worries.

00:49:51.520 And then he ended up going with somebody else 0.99

00:49:53.500 and then I went with the Mormon 0.70

00:49:54.540 and i had the worst night of my life so the eggs on my face honestly you can't have caffeine or 0.93

00:49:58.360 can't win them all the mormon part of him was honestly the least of his worries like he was 0.99

00:50:02.800 just the most off-putting person i've ever met in my entire fucking life and i say this to this day 1.00

00:50:07.520 if i ever meet him i'm putting on his back bitch and not in a good way i'm not in the way he wants 1.00

00:50:12.020 no i'm beating the shit out of him is what i'm saying he's the worst he's the fucking worst like 1.00

00:50:16.940 he it's funny too because when we first met each other like because we barely knew each other too 0.99

00:50:20.620 on top of that so when we met and we were talking he's like what's your type and i'm like oh like

00:50:25.340 someone nice and funny like say something real general i'm like what about you he goes i like

00:50:30.360 short white girls with glasses now i don't know if you know anything about what i look like

00:50:33.980 cooper probably and i was like i like short white girls with glasses no game at all

00:50:41.560 oh i like short white girls with glasses and that was the girlfriend he had right and he broke up

00:50:47.720 with her to go to prom with me and then after he went to prom with me he went and got back with 0.98

00:50:51.240 her a man that lied to himself you don't even have glasses yeah no shit girl i actually do 0.98

00:50:55.260 wear glasses too and i because i'm blind as fuck but like i purposely didn't wear them because i 0.99

00:51:00.260 didn't want him to think that i was wearing them for him so i was just blind all weekend i was like 0.98

00:51:04.160 like we just fucking daphne's head ass like walking around his version of the story is yeah i tried 0.99

00:51:09.420 to take this girl on a date and she fucking couldn't see it was so she was so weird she was 1.00

00:51:13.420 like i was helping her across the street she asked for the menu in braille and then she kept 1.00

00:51:18.400 pulling up her pajama pants and dancing around like it was a bit she had balls i don't know

00:51:24.500 all of a sudden i saw an imprint i don't know it was a whole thing i don't know it was weird

00:51:27.980 it was a problem and it's funny because he brought a friend from my sister and he was like oh i'm

00:51:33.600 gonna bring one of the two guys that i had already met you went senior are you talking about senior

00:51:36.840 year this was my junior year her senior year and you took him yeah i took him oh okay got it but

00:51:43.100 he was like i'll bring a friend and then we can go like with your sister i'm like okay cool

00:51:46.680 and the two guys that he had with him that i had already met were like this guy was like half some

00:51:52.780 he was someone too the guy that i went with the other two guys one of them was like hawaiian one

00:51:56.880 was like tongan they're both good looking dudes all three of them were really good looking and

00:52:00.240 so i was like okay yeah either one sure whichever one's available and he's like okay he picks one

00:52:05.460 he's like i'm gonna bring him can't come then the other guy he's like i'm gonna bring him he can't

00:52:09.280 come he's like don't worry i have another friend but won't send me a picture i'm like yeah i'm

00:52:13.680 like i need to well can you send me a picture he goes well i'll look for one and then when they're

00:52:18.200 on the way to like our house it's hard to get a picture of him because he maintains a bell tower

00:52:22.960 in notre dame he's really booked honestly he's busy as hell he's up there he's actually guarding

00:52:30.620 the the gates of tartarus so he's a little he's a little busy he's a little busy um girl he shows

00:52:36.960 up i'm not kidding he looked 40 like he was bald well white guy but he was in high school

00:52:45.180 yeah girl and he left him he left his heart and then literally 0.96

00:52:49.640 first of all ditches him the whole night but then she goes like yeah he fucking brought a 1.00

00:52:58.500 substitute teacher for me that shit is so real dude she's like oh yeah i'm a lesbian like it's 1.00

00:53:08.120 just the way that she was like oh yeah i'm gay wait that's disrespectful this will never happen 1.00

00:53:12.420 to me again you guys are never doing this shit to me again but i'll say the worst night worst 0.99

00:53:17.940 part of the whole night well my dance was like i don't know like southern california dance maybe 0.99

00:53:23.000 it's just exclusive to my high school but like the way that they dance is crazy like this is the year

00:53:27.900 were like don't drop that dantara came out hey ladies right hey tbt all of that and so you know 0.54

00:53:33.640 people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird i knew he was mormon he had 0.99

00:53:37.320 told me every dance he'd been to they had a live band so i'm assuming they didn't play that shit 0.98

00:53:41.100 over in saint george utah so i literally told him i'm like play a sweet caroline 0.94

00:53:45.160 enough it's like that proud to be an american song that's my song

00:53:54.040 Light on that, light on that

00:53:55.920 I didn't know we were talking politics

00:53:57.400 And I'm proud to be an American

00:54:00.400 Where at least I

00:54:02.080 I proudly stand up 1.00

00:54:04.280 That song fucks, dude 1.00

00:54:06.020 Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous, bitch 1.00

00:54:08.400 And like 1.00

00:54:10.200 I told, I warned him

00:54:11.640 I said, hey, my school doesn't get down like that

00:54:14.440 So like, just be prepared

00:54:15.660 What you see when you go in there

00:54:17.580 I don't want you to freak out

00:54:18.340 When he sees people grinding, he's literally like

00:54:20.980 Like we're in a haunted house

00:54:22.840 but then he kind of he kind of like calms down a little bit so i'm like hey do you want to dance

00:54:27.120 and he's like we are dancing but we're like standing next to each other i'm like no like

00:54:31.900 do you want to dance together like it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever and he was like

00:54:35.160 no like just instantly disgusted with me and then he goes that goes against god that's what he said

00:54:41.520 to me and i was like mind you it's a saturday so then i go well i mean you could ask for forgiveness

00:54:46.820 is tomorrow i'm thinking it's funny right and then he goes that's not funny and then he walks

00:54:53.000 away from me oh no and since then no no that's not well i was like well that's what i was saying 0.93

00:54:59.740 i just immediately you go dace why would you say that that's fucked up jesus that's really 0.92

00:55:03.300 fucking mean seriously you know he's a mormon so then that made it awkward for a little and then 0.97

00:55:08.200 once he kind of comes back around again he stops being weird and then ish and then we're outside 0.99

00:55:13.460 we're kind of he's kind of vibing a little bit he's like being a little nicer like a little more 0.98

00:55:18.260 touchy whatever the fuck to me i'm like okay maybe he's calming the fuck down and then uh his buddy 0.98

00:55:23.720 you know the substitute teacher he was like hey you should show them your your favorite dance move 0.99

00:55:28.380 right and he goes oh yeah i have the best dance move ever stands up i'm not kidding he's like

00:55:34.440 well it's two parts right the first part you're unscrewing a light bulb right mormon and he's

00:55:40.560 but the second, the other hand you use 1.00

00:55:42.620 and you pretend that you're shoving a dildo up your ass. 1.00

00:55:46.200 I'm not kidding. 1.00

00:55:48.120 I'm not kidding. 1.00

00:55:49.960 This is the same man who told me I was a fucking whore 1.00

00:55:52.680 for wanting to dance with him. 1.00

00:55:54.560 What?

00:55:55.400 And then he starts pretending.

00:55:57.040 I'm not kidding.

00:55:57.880 He's literally doing this 1.00

00:55:59.520 and he's like shoving the dildo up his butt, 1.00

00:56:01.840 metaphorically, of course. 1.00

00:56:02.680 Greatest freak out ever. 1.00

00:56:07.280 Direct TV remote up the ass, girl. 0.99

00:56:10.120 And he's literally going like this 1.00

00:56:11.460 and he's like shoving

00:56:12.220 and he's like laughing

00:56:13.500 and the way

00:56:14.940 guttural shock and horror.

00:56:16.860 The way me and Jason are like,

00:56:18.320 ah!

00:56:18.940 Like we're watching

00:56:19.560 and we're like,

00:56:20.240 and then I,

00:56:20.780 I'm not kidding.

00:56:21.660 Jason was like,

00:56:23.160 no time.

00:56:24.520 What's happening?

00:56:25.440 And then I go,

00:56:26.400 I have to go to the bathroom.

00:56:27.380 And I went to the bathroom.

00:56:28.480 Jason followed me

00:56:29.140 and I was crying

00:56:30.120 in the bathroom.

00:56:32.040 And I was like, 1.00

00:56:32.980 I fucking hate him, dude. 1.00

00:56:34.520 I hate him. 1.00

00:56:35.900 He's the worst. 1.00

00:56:37.400 And I'm like, 0.96

00:56:38.000 when I cry,

00:56:38.560 I'm like, 1.00

00:56:38.740 I look so good and I shouldn't have gone with a fucking weirdo. 1.00

00:56:43.320 I'm like screaming. 0.99

00:56:45.520 He can probably hear me, by the way. 0.97

00:56:47.200 Meanwhile, cut you in the rafters.

00:56:48.440 Billy's up there just. 1.00

00:56:50.900 He's like, get what you pay for, bitch. 1.00

00:56:52.560 He gives him $100. 1.00

00:56:53.740 He's like, did you show her the dildo part? 0.93

00:56:56.620 Just like, you did the dildo thing. 0.97

00:56:58.620 That's okay. 0.98

00:56:58.980 Make sure she'll love it.

00:56:59.900 You should do it.

00:57:01.120 He's thumbing off hundreds. 0.95

00:57:03.460 He's like, you could have gone farther with the dildo thing. 0.88

00:57:05.600 It was good stuff. 0.79

00:57:06.420 He leaned a little too heavy into the light bulb 0.94

00:57:07.920 and not enough until the dildo. 1.00

00:57:09.760 The light bulb was such a classic Christian, 1.00

00:57:12.500 like wholesome, like he, the mixture of those two, 1.00

00:57:15.100 he was like, yeah, so basically you have a shopping cart

00:57:16.840 with one hand and you're shopping, picking stuff out 1.00

00:57:18.980 and then you're getting sloppy from a bad bitch. 1.00

00:57:21.520 What the fuck? 1.00

00:57:22.960 Just like, the fucking hard left. 1.00

00:57:26.860 Like I was like, then I become religious. 1.00

00:57:32.140 That's against God.

00:57:33.400 He's doing the little thing, he's like, 1.00

00:57:34.080 who's Mormon now, bitch? 1.00

00:57:35.080 She's like, you want to ask for forgiveness for this? 1.00

00:57:39.480 Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:57:40.740 I thought this.

00:57:42.780 The way it was so like cash to them, I was like.

00:57:45.940 Yo, yo.

00:57:47.640 Horror.

00:57:48.480 It's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize. 1.00

00:57:51.520 No, girl, the homoeroticism is just out of control. 1.00

00:57:55.440 No one loves man more than man.

00:57:56.980 Seriously.

00:57:57.820 It's like primates, girl.

00:57:59.760 It is. 1.00

00:58:00.600 They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:03.900 And then they're going, it's like you're picking bugs 0.93

00:58:06.880 with one hand and then you're shoving a dildo 1.00

00:58:08.700 up your butt with the other. 1.00

00:58:09.460 And then he literally said dildo. 1.00

00:58:11.640 And I'm like, you said freaking and grinding 0.99

00:58:14.160 was against God, but you know what a dildo is? 0.99

00:58:16.160 Nasty work. 0.99

00:58:16.920 You won't hit the Dougie with me on the dildo. 0.99

00:58:19.180 We're doing light dildo combo. 1.00

00:58:20.940 The cat daddy's too far, but shoving a fake penis 1.00

00:58:24.540 up your butt is not. 1.00

00:58:25.880 The Cupid Shuffle is of the devil. 1.00

00:58:27.400 Well. 1.00

00:58:28.220 Dildo up the ass. 1.00

00:58:29.920 Well, that's different because it's a joke. 1.00

00:58:31.380 A dildo is just crashing into the Pentagon. 1.00

00:58:33.660 A dildo just hit the cock and gone. 1.00

00:58:40.040 Shit, that's funny. 1.00

00:58:41.180 Like, I feel like the embarrassment kind of stopped in high school. 0.99

00:58:45.620 Like, college, I was like, I'm actually the coolest.

00:58:47.500 Yeah, same.

00:58:47.800 Like, I really came into my own in college.

00:58:49.440 Yeah, same.

00:58:49.740 What about you, Caleb?

00:58:50.720 Yeah.

00:58:51.960 You're all kind of been that girl.

00:58:53.060 So there's the Cooper situation.

00:58:55.200 And then high school, I was just like a total, like, high school, I was just like uptight.

00:58:58.600 I think my, actually, you know what?

00:59:00.100 I did a show in D.C. two weeks ago.

00:59:03.220 And a very good friend of mine from high school

00:59:04.820 came up to me.

00:59:06.620 I do a whole story about how uptight I was as a teenager.

00:59:09.380 And how I thought I was... 0.99

00:59:10.500 I look back now and I go, that kid's a loser. 0.94

00:59:12.400 If I had a kid and he acted the way I acted in high school, 1.00

00:59:13.960 I'd be like, God, fucking shut up! 1.00

00:59:17.780 We need to get him some pussy. 1.00

00:59:19.000 Yeah, God, get this kid laid so he'll shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:59:21.320 He's 16. 1.00

00:59:22.160 I was getting pussy. 1.00

00:59:24.260 Believe it. 1.00

00:59:25.240 I just didn't want it.

00:59:26.320 It was light work.

00:59:27.680 It was giving me the heebie-jeebies, but I was in there.

00:59:29.400 Yep, yep, yep.

00:59:30.900 I was in there.

00:59:32.140 And my friend was like, I think you're, I don't think you're very, I liked who you were in high school.

00:59:36.360 I don't think you're being very nice to that person.

00:59:38.100 And I'm like, I don't know.

00:59:40.040 I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

00:59:42.660 Yeah.

00:59:43.180 I think we both need to be more honest with ourselves.

00:59:45.260 Yeah.

00:59:45.860 Cool came like in my 20s.

00:59:47.480 I got cool.

00:59:48.260 I feel that.

00:59:48.960 I think the shift though was, I don't know if either of us have, if any of us have talked about this.

00:59:52.460 The shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, when I was younger, I was always waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me.

00:59:58.940 like what interest or what clothes or what group of friends would make me cool totally and the shift

01:00:03.140 in my 20s uh my early 20s that made me actually feel cool was going nothing brings me coolness

01:00:08.580 i bring coolness to everything else what i like people i hang out with what i wear what i listen

01:00:13.040 to it's cool because i'm there i'm not cool because it's here yeah like the confidence is

01:00:17.480 what speaks louder than anything so like you could like or love or hate anything and you could still

01:00:22.260 make friends who like or love the same things yeah but it's just like you being confident in 0.99

01:00:26.900 who you are if you don't like it fuck you what I like is cool and so you're not cool if you don't 0.92

01:00:30.380 like it and that shift was like really it was yeah not just looking for someone to be like 1.00

01:00:33.980 I wanted people to tell me I was cool yeah when you just go oh I don't care about that

01:00:38.520 as soon as you stop caring it's like it just flocks to you almost yeah like friends and

01:00:43.540 community and all that I think it's also like what does cool mean like I would much rather

01:00:46.720 have a genuine time where I'm peeing my pants with people that like aren't cool I mean you

01:00:51.740 you guys make me laugh so hard but you guys are not 1.00

01:00:55.740 it's not cool we're fucking weirdo losers 1.00

01:00:57.920 at least we smell good though 0.99

01:01:00.360 at least we smell good 0.98

01:01:01.680 he's not that bad gay kid 0.98

01:01:05.520 kinda 1.00

01:01:06.920 god I hate it 1.00

01:01:09.760 shit he smells just like you now 1.00

01:01:11.740 can't wear it anymore 1.00

01:01:12.680 when I got to college I found

01:01:15.720 my bestie besties

01:01:18.060 the people I'm still friends with

01:01:19.960 to this day

01:01:20.480 and I was just telling

01:01:22.240 Billy this the other day

01:01:22.880 I'm like I realized

01:01:24.140 to especially

01:01:25.180 in writing my book

01:01:25.840 I realized that like

01:01:26.660 when I

01:01:27.560 such a slay thing

01:01:28.580 this day

01:01:29.140 period

01:01:29.380 and when I was

01:01:29.920 publishing my book

01:01:30.540 I was like

01:01:31.280 writing my very first book

01:01:32.260 that it will be published

01:01:33.020 it is published now

01:01:33.900 you just threw that away

01:01:34.740 like a Truman Capote interview

01:01:35.780 I love

01:01:36.880 that's my favorite thing

01:01:37.900 about an old Truman Capote interview

01:01:39.120 he'd be like

01:01:39.520 I was at dinner

01:01:40.620 with um

01:01:41.500 oh I think it was

01:01:43.420 Marilyn Monroe 0.99

01:01:44.860 he just fucking 0.99

01:01:46.900 tosses it away 1.00

01:01:47.720 like it's nothing

01:01:48.480 when I was writing

01:01:49.600 yeah when i was writing my first book i love it i love it as i was like writing like unpacking a

01:01:56.860 lot of stuff i did in college i was like i realized that my best friends at the time all women right

01:02:02.120 i had a couple guy friends that i was really close to too but like i had never met a group

01:02:06.120 of women before outside of my own family like my mom and sister that were so confident in who they

01:02:11.640 were in all aspects like being smart being funny being like like i don't know like confident about

01:02:18.620 what they looked like and also who they were as people but also women who were so confident in

01:02:22.980 their sexual autonomy like i'd never had friends like that before like women who were so like yeah 0.99

01:02:27.700 i fucked him and it sucked uh don't do that it was so cash to them that i was like period because 0.98

01:02:33.600 i'd never hung out with women who were so cash about stuff like it was always so like oh like 0.99

01:02:37.380 dating like you know when you're in high school it's like the way it's perceived is so different

01:02:41.600 and the religious lens as well where it's just like it's so much more serious yeah you know and

01:02:46.500 they were so cash about everything and like yeah so a couple of my friends were raised religious

01:02:50.180 and weren't at all and one of my friends like to this day like she the first time i met her like 0.96

01:02:55.240 we were talking about dating or whatever she was like oh i was a big whore in high school 1.00

01:02:58.640 i fucked everybody and i was like oh did you she's like yeah men women everyone 0.99

01:03:03.540 she's my friend now she's like yeah everyone uh but yeah she was just so like what else about it 1.00

01:03:15.160 Period. Period, bitch. That's my fucking 1.00

01:03:17.120 girl. I love that. She's still my friend to this day. 1.00

01:03:19.320 Oh, I love that. I love when we become

01:03:21.140 like real adults and then they're like,

01:03:23.240 I don't remember saying that.

01:03:25.280 I was like, I do. I remember.

01:03:26.960 I remember you saying that. Verbatim.

01:03:28.860 Changed me as a woman. I remember, I remember.

01:03:31.260 Everything. I'm here. I'm in it.

01:03:33.240 Dating in college was a mess. You have the

01:03:35.080 memory of an elephant. I do.

01:03:36.760 I remember everything. We would go out and get fucked up. 0.99

01:03:39.080 Like, I was the only one that would remember every single thing. 0.98

01:03:41.260 You're scanning it like a matrix.

01:03:43.440 I'm downloading all the information.

01:03:45.160 the next morning they'd be like well everyone like let's get together like everyone someone

01:03:49.540 wake drew up so we can remember what happened because a lot of my friends would black out i

01:03:52.240 never blacked out i think i blacked out once one time it was the very last time like one of the

01:03:57.480 last times i drank tequila because i like couldn't do it i couldn't do it the way i used to drink in

01:04:01.760 high school can't do it now i did not drink in high school or not high school sorry college

01:04:06.060 college i couldn't do it every time i'm like i'll tell drew a story and then i'll i'll like because

01:04:11.640 it'll be fresh in my mind and i'll say it and then it'll be like a month will go by and she's

01:04:14.820 like remember when you said this and i'm like oh yeah i do and then i'll paraphrase it she's like

01:04:22.160 no you said this and i'm like probably that's what happened that's why i remembered everything 0.66

01:04:26.200 that happened when we met beyonce oh you're thank god for you i black out a lot it sucks it really 0.64

01:04:31.580 does suck because of liquor and not liquor and just adrenaline i guess the testosterone pumping 0.98

01:04:36.440 through my fucking body you know what i mean did you have a fun time partying in college caleb 1.00

01:04:42.200 No, I DD'd. 1.00

01:04:43.620 Did you really?

01:04:44.200 Yeah, I was a DD for my fraternity. 1.00

01:04:46.360 Loser. 1.00

01:04:46.940 You were in a fraternity? 1.00

01:04:47.940 Yeah, all four years.

01:04:49.260 What?

01:04:49.820 Really?

01:04:50.900 Yeah, you know.

01:04:51.980 That's shocking to me.

01:04:52.860 Well, I thought I was going to go to law school.

01:04:54.100 My whole plan going into college was to go to law school.

01:04:55.660 I had that sort of mental breakdown as well.

01:04:57.440 Oh, yeah.

01:04:58.040 And it was a long one.

01:04:58.640 That was all of high school and first year or two of college.

01:05:01.460 Did you do mock trial?

01:05:02.640 We didn't have it. 1.00

01:05:03.540 Fuck. 1.00

01:05:03.900 Did you do Model UN? 1.00

01:05:05.280 We didn't have it.

01:05:06.440 Baby, I didn't go to a good school.

01:05:08.940 I think that's promising. 1.00

01:05:10.280 You were working the fetal, bitch. 1.00

01:05:11.420 Yeah, why do you think I was in FFA? 1.00

01:05:14.040 They had me judging cattle, bitch. 1.00

01:05:16.860 You were not arguing the defense. 1.00

01:05:18.420 Yeah, honey, we didn't have speech and debate. 0.95

01:05:20.980 I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie its feet together.

01:05:24.680 Type beat. 1.00

01:05:25.600 Type shit. 1.00

01:05:26.440 Type shit. 1.00

01:05:27.240 Yeah, shearing animals. 1.00

01:05:28.300 Literally and literally.

01:05:29.060 I was picking up dirt and going, good for corn.

01:05:30.980 Crazy.

01:05:32.620 Crazy. 1.00

01:05:33.860 I only did that for like a year, and they were like, get your gay ass out of here. 1.00

01:05:37.620 Harvest will be good this year. 1.00

01:05:39.220 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:05:40.000 Shut your bitch ass. 1.00

01:05:40.780 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:41.620 No, I was not a big partier in college.

01:05:45.540 No.

01:05:45.900 I was dating in college for both of you.

01:05:47.840 I didn't date in college.

01:05:49.100 No one wanted me. 1.00

01:05:50.880 I fucked. 1.00

01:05:51.660 I was fucking in college. 1.00

01:05:52.760 No one wanted to date me. 0.98

01:05:53.960 I remember texting one of my hookups who I was so in love with.

01:05:56.440 And I was like, do you want to get breakfast in the morning?

01:05:58.600 And he was like, busy.

01:06:01.440 God, need him medically.

01:06:03.980 It always made it worse.

01:06:05.240 Yeah.

01:06:05.660 I was like, he's rejecting me.

01:06:06.640 I think he's the one.

01:06:07.640 Yeah.

01:06:08.300 I just need to try a little harder. 0.99

01:06:10.000 I was fucking a lot of guys in college who, if they were seen with me in daylight, we would both evaporate. 0.96

01:06:16.440 I was having a lot of hookups where it was like, you know, I would see him on campus and be like, oh, what's up? 0.98

01:06:20.360 And he'd be like, you know.

01:06:22.740 Are you lost?

01:06:23.860 That guy's talking to you, by the way.

01:06:25.520 Yeah.

01:06:25.960 I think he's trying to get home. 1.00

01:06:27.060 Hey, you smell like that fat gay guy. 1.00

01:06:29.380 You smell like each other. 1.00

01:06:31.500 It's Cooper.

01:06:33.460 Coop?

01:06:34.600 Good to see you, brother.

01:06:35.860 Hey, baby.

01:06:36.400 one time i was i was kind of dating this guy and i he told me to meet him at the club romantic 1.00

01:06:42.420 and so i go and you know you're doing that that uh broke bitch shit where you're like 1.00

01:06:47.120 god i'm so thirsty god i wish i had a drink god so thirsty it's so hot in here and then normally 0.99

01:06:54.380 it works uh but then when him he's like i'm not buying drinks here they're too fucking expensive 0.74

01:06:57.760 right and then i was like okay brokey even though i had no money but i like go up and i buy myself 0.72

01:07:04.140 the one drink i can afford so ice in a cup yeah i was like just put maraschino cherries in a cup

01:07:09.380 and pretend yeah soda water don't charge me yep so i got one drink and then i i turned around and

01:07:14.680 i'm going back to my friends and he goes hey do you want to hook me up and i was like with what

01:07:19.020 and he brought his own red solo cup into the club he had it he had it crushed in the waistband of

01:07:24.460 his pants took it out punched it out like that and then i'm not kidding and men wonder why they 0.94

01:07:30.960 don't deserve rights oh my god they wonder why i fucking hate them going splitsville on one vodka 0.96

01:07:37.500 cran i hate when you tell that story about billy because he has turned out he's turned out to be 0.98

01:07:43.040 such a great and that's what i get for saying no to him at prom yeah yeah i have never seen broker 0.99

01:07:47.400 shit in my fucking life i was like are you being dead ass like you want me to you want me to split 1.00

01:07:52.240 my drink in that dirty solo cup you want me to smoke you out with this vodka for real fuck it's 1.00

01:07:58.880 He's got gooch stitch in it 1.00

01:08:00.380 because it was in the fucking waistline of his pants. 0.99

01:08:02.340 There's like a little crack in the side of it 0.99

01:08:03.920 because he folded it up to put it in.

01:08:05.620 So he's got to hold it with a finger right on the side.

01:08:07.140 He's got to plug it.

01:08:09.100 Plug the hole.

01:08:10.040 Got the thumb running up the side holding the crack.

01:08:11.700 I was just thinking last night,

01:08:13.400 I went on a date last night

01:08:14.360 and I had such a good time

01:08:15.500 and I was thinking,

01:08:16.420 why didn't I date more in my early 20s?

01:08:17.940 Because I was in Chicago.

01:08:19.000 I was like,

01:08:19.560 and I was like, 1.00

01:08:20.300 oh, you were fucking broke, bitch. 1.00

01:08:21.760 I had no money at all. 1.00

01:08:23.920 That's real.

01:08:24.920 I was overdrafting my bank account

01:08:26.240 on like ramen noodles.

01:08:27.440 it's like you didn't go on dates because you were broke

01:08:29.800 honey right after college

01:08:31.420 all throughout college 0.98

01:08:33.700 I was fucking broke like even when I had 0.98

01:08:35.600 jobs I still felt like I was broke because I was like 0.99

01:08:37.500 barely making rent and all that

01:08:39.540 I had a coming to god moment

01:08:41.720 after college where I was

01:08:43.580 more broke than I'd ever been because in college

01:08:45.020 honey I was maxing those loans

01:08:46.640 I was loan maxing

01:08:48.720 whatever they would give me

01:08:51.120 FAFSA maxing

01:08:52.080 I would say

01:08:55.240 throw an extra 5,000 on there

01:08:56.600 I'll be wanting to go out to eat

01:08:59.240 I would just put on

01:09:02.020 Don't worry I'm good for it

01:09:04.160 And I'm not having paid them back to this day

01:09:06.180 I'm refusing

01:09:06.640 Default

01:09:08.380 I know they're going to get paid off the week after I pay them off

01:09:10.720 Me holding out

01:09:13.120 Joseph Robinette Biden I know you watch this

01:09:16.040 Forgive them

01:09:17.780 Joey B

01:09:19.880 Yeah I can't

01:09:21.980 But I was so broke and then yeah after college

01:09:23.820 I was more broke than them because there were no more student loans

01:09:25.820 coming in you know what i do miss about college bars because it felt expensive but going oh my 1.00

01:09:33.360 god if i we could go back yeah like a vodka cramping four dollars and girl i know clearly

01:09:38.520 i'm like and close it and close it and close it close the tap close it is there a water fountain

01:09:42.760 around here 0.99

01:09:43.180 that's how you get fucked up before you go yep get one drink sip and nurse the whole night 0.99

01:09:52.420 ever clear gatorade dude the very first drink i ever got fucked up off was gin but we didn't 0.99

01:10:00.020 know what to mix it with so we tried to mix it with orange juice hey don't that's horrible yeah 0.86

01:10:04.900 and i why gin i'm like a 90 i'm in mad men like why am i doing

01:10:13.620 it's 2 p.m on a monday okay that's why gin was the first time i ever got up we had a bar

01:10:19.860 in college station called tipsy turtle and we used to do pickle shots and you could do a normal

01:10:26.280 pickle shot or a spicy one where they would do pickle juice vodka and then a shot of tabasco in

01:10:31.580 it i would suck them down like it was water i mean like six seven eight tequila shots yes and then

01:10:39.980 there was this other bar that would do and again this is like so not what a college student should 0.98

01:10:44.500 be doing like drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance yeah literally it was called 0.98

01:10:48.960 breakfast shot get into this you start with um that's gonna be a a orange juice shot okay it's 0.99

01:10:56.120 like vodka orange juice mimosa yeah and then you move on to a butterscotch pancake shot which is

01:11:01.960 just i don't know it was like this is at night it's like a maple flavored liquor you take a

01:11:05.800 shot of that and then they give you a piece of bacon you know what and they throw it into your 0.98

01:11:10.600 mouth yeah i might need to get down to texas i'm telling you bitch breakfast shot and that 0.99

01:11:16.680 shit was like eight dollars dude there so our big move in high school was the and i wasn't a huge 0.99

01:11:21.860 drinker in high school but i was definitely trying to like fit in i we would do we would go get like 0.79

01:11:26.060 uh ocean waters from sonic yep or half into an empty cup and then we would pour in a bunch of 0.99

01:11:31.000 uv blue vodka or like malibu yeah oh malibu's real malibu's chernobyl in those fucking cups 0.85

01:11:36.260 yep yep so one glowing like my junior or senior year of high school i will try to tell this story 0.95

01:11:41.980 short because it's a little long no your junior year of high school it could have been senior

01:11:44.540 here my friend Abby's a very good friend of mine to this day her dad moved he lived like 20 miles

01:11:49.900 outside of our town and he moved to a new house so his house was empty for a while yeah it was a

01:11:53.760 big huge like three-story house in the country and we uh we knew a bunch of kids from the other towns

01:11:59.440 around where I grew up in very rural Missouri and she was like I'm gonna throw a party and we were

01:12:05.620 like okay so she threw we invited like all the kids from the other towns yeah and everyone

01:12:09.840 converged on this house and we threw me picturing like footloose we can dance here pod 0.99

01:12:15.560 they're dressed like it's from the 50s yo last night was a fucking sock 0.98

01:12:22.020 so we threw this big party and it was a huge smash hit at next day everyone's texting wins 0.97

01:12:28.960 the next one right period project x had come out around this time oh period so we're like okay so

01:12:33.540 we throw another one the next weekend yeah even bigger smash hit everyone's having fun hooking

01:12:37.820 up. Not me.

01:12:39.520 Not me. I can't stress that enough. Not me. Everyone's having fun, hooking up.

01:12:41.540 I'm in the closet, so I'm doing bits on the corner.

01:12:44.840 I'm pulling my pajama

01:12:45.780 pants up again. Truly.

01:12:47.760 All my friends are making out with hot guys,

01:12:49.700 and at one point, I set up a fortune-telling booth.

01:12:53.700 And I was like, come over if y'all want your fortunes,

01:12:55.720 Red. Tom Hanks and Big.

01:12:57.500 Why are you doing fortunes? 0.99

01:12:59.480 Truly so pathetic. You're reading palms 1.00

01:13:01.640 just to touch a man. I was like, truly.

01:13:03.360 I'll read your palm. I was like, give it to me.

01:13:05.360 Give me a hint. Rock hard under the table.

01:13:07.260 Really, I'm like walking around asking if people need refills.

01:13:09.700 I'm like, who is that car?

01:13:12.260 Which I still do at parties.

01:13:14.300 Did that to all of you the other night?

01:13:16.020 You do.

01:13:16.420 At my party. 1.00

01:13:18.080 A host till you die. 0.99

01:13:18.980 A host till I die.

01:13:19.700 And so we had the second one.

01:13:20.860 And then we did a big mistake.

01:13:22.720 And we went for a third on the third weekend. 1.00

01:13:24.300 Damn. 1.00

01:13:24.860 Should have quit while you were ahead. 1.00

01:13:25.820 We should have quit while we were ahead, honey.

01:13:27.140 And we sure did not.

01:13:27.760 And it was bigger than ever.

01:13:28.640 And I'm talking like, we said get there at nine.

01:13:30.500 We showed up at 845.

01:13:31.560 There were already other cars there.

01:13:32.700 So we were like, this is bad.

01:13:33.840 It was the biggest one we had thrown.

01:13:35.480 And everybody's getting super drunk.

01:13:37.100 I was getting super drunk that night

01:13:38.320 because there was one guy

01:13:39.260 in my high school

01:13:40.240 that I was convinced

01:13:40.880 was closeted

01:13:41.460 and I was like

01:13:42.400 tonight I'm bagging him

01:13:43.400 and I eventually

01:13:44.100 well anyway

01:13:44.880 just to say eventually

01:13:47.320 I'm always right

01:13:48.080 let's just say

01:13:49.040 I was right

01:13:49.560 but it wasn't that night

01:13:51.520 and so that night

01:13:52.000 I got super drunk

01:13:52.700 on UV blue

01:13:53.320 and everyone took me up 0.99

01:13:55.380 fucking acid 0.99

01:13:55.900 acid 1.00

01:13:56.420 truly

01:13:56.900 yeah battery acid 0.99

01:13:58.360 everyone's so fucked up 1.00

01:14:00.360 and we see sirens 1.00

01:14:01.180 and the cops have been called

01:14:02.480 so now the cops

01:14:03.480 are pulling up

01:14:04.080 and everyone hides

01:14:06.140 and we turn off

01:14:06.600 all the lights

01:14:06.960 and we're like they can't come in without a warrant no one knows what they're talking about

01:14:09.480 and so it's fully we are trespassing relax so we all hide and they don't come in and then i'm

01:14:17.140 hiding under a pool table so i'm under the pool table and they're shining flashlights in the

01:14:21.120 windows and they're looking around and they can't see no one everyone's like up against the walls

01:14:23.940 like this and they shine it under the pool table and it's just me and he goes you and i go i see 0.96

01:14:30.220 your big ass by the way yeah there's not a pool table big enough in the world honey 0.98

01:14:33.600 and I whisper 1.00

01:14:36.200 I'm like

01:14:36.420 is he talking to me

01:14:38.160 and he goes

01:14:38.940 under the pool table

01:14:39.800 out now

01:14:40.520 so I go 1.00

01:14:42.460 fuck guys 1.00

01:14:42.940 they got me 1.00

01:14:43.420 so I go out

01:14:44.260 I go don't worry

01:14:44.740 I'm gonna go handle it 1.00

01:14:45.320 fuck him 1.00

01:14:45.540 I go out there 1.00

01:14:47.400 and it's the cops

01:14:48.080 my grandpa is a deputy sheriff

01:14:49.580 and so I'm nervous

01:14:50.320 that he's gonna be out there

01:14:51.100 he is not out there

01:14:51.940 and this is

01:14:52.520 we're in his county

01:14:53.500 I go out there

01:14:54.380 and it's this guy

01:14:55.100 this guy

01:14:55.560 he's being so intense

01:14:56.860 got a flashlight in my face 0.99

01:14:57.680 like what the fuck's going on 0.99

01:14:58.440 I tell him 0.99

01:14:59.140 and he goes

01:14:59.440 here's the deal

01:14:59.960 I'm feeling generous tonight

01:15:01.260 go down there

01:15:02.420 and get everyone

01:15:03.000 who's sober

01:15:03.480 who's driving put all the drunk people in the car sober drive them home and never do this again

01:15:07.600 i'm not going to give any uh mips and i was like thank you so much but we we i found out when so i

01:15:15.400 went to gather all the sober people to make sober driving happen but during the time that they had

01:15:19.280 busted me from under the pool table we had a foreign exchange student from mexico named carolina 0.76

01:15:22.940 and we for some reason were convinced that she would get deported and so if she got caught at

01:15:28.120 this party i don't know why we were like she'll get deported she's like i'm literally she's like

01:15:32.240 I'm a foreign exchange dude like I'm in the program she's yeah she's not a US citizen she's

01:15:36.160 not trying to be she so we hid her in a broom closet and she was in the broom closet well no

01:15:41.020 one remembered about her so we so like 30 or 40 because I think one person thought they were

01:15:45.100 gonna grab Carolina the other thought they were and then we we dude we were so paranoid because

01:15:50.280 we thought we got away with murder you know yeah yeah and we're like uh 30 minutes later we're on

01:15:54.080 the road home on the highway home and Carolina calls us and she's like I'm scared I'm scared

01:15:58.800 who's coming to get me and she's in the house alone so we like circle back carolina god bless

01:16:03.060 you girl if you're out there i wish you the best so we go back and we're like we're like nervous

01:16:07.200 that the cops are still watching the house so we like turn off our headlights and like creep down

01:16:11.380 this is the same day this is the same night okay it's like 30 45 minutes later she's been in the

01:16:15.360 broom closet alone so my car we pull up we're pulling down with the lights off down this gravel

01:16:19.820 road and we call her and we go run outside now and get in the trunk we're still convinced she

01:16:25.320 can get deported so if we get pulled over

01:16:27.020 we're like a gravel road away

01:16:29.100 and there's this huge yard between the house and us

01:16:31.280 and we just see in the darkness Carolina

01:16:33.000 just sprinting towards the car 0.99

01:16:34.940 someone gets out opens the trunk she hops in 1.00

01:16:37.020 and we drive her back that we drive her back in the trunk 1.00

01:16:39.480 safe from deportation we got her out of there 0.79

01:16:41.040 safe from a threat that didn't uh wasn't 1.00

01:16:43.340 gonna happen let's not but hey fuck border patrol 1.00

01:16:45.460 no for real and that being said 1.00

01:16:47.500 we said not today bitch fuck ICE 1.00

01:16:49.560 bitch yeah you know it's funny and when I 1.00

01:16:51.460 was in college there was a bar right 0.99

01:16:53.460 off campus called tropics and it was known for underage drinking like you could get in pretty

01:16:57.080 easy so like before i had a fake you i would go in early that way when it started popping off like 0.97

01:17:02.840 they wouldn't check me again but then when they started doing sweeping for that shit my friends 0.67

01:17:07.680 would go and they would like get the stamp and they would she would come right back to me and 0.96

01:17:10.880 then press it to my hand and so the women and so one time she pressed it to me and i walk in and

01:17:17.700 he goes why is it on that hand because everybody's was on their left and i was like i don't know ask

01:17:21.360 your guy why he stamped my right hand he goes what guy i go he's somewhere in there do you mind if i

01:17:26.020 go in there my purse is in there all my stuff he's like i'm gonna go look for the guy who's

01:17:29.920 allegedly stamped your hand i'm like okay yeah sounds good he turns around i just walked in 0.98

01:17:33.000 period me thinking he can't see me i'm the biggest bitch in there i'm like 0.99

01:17:36.880 melmond the giraffe 0.99

01:17:39.760 but there was this time we left and one of my girlfriends and i get fucked up it was just the 0.99

01:17:46.340 two of us like like drinking all night fucking drinks all night absolutely trash this is not 0.97

01:17:51.340 a good thing but she she said i can drive home and i said can you and i lived i didn't live too far 0.98

01:17:56.680 and she was like no i'm good i'm good and she looked good and i thought she was good so i was

01:18:00.680 like okay so i got in the car with her and we're giving two guys a ride home too and so she she's

01:18:05.480 driving and this is not a good thing but like drunk driving is pretty common in hawaii i don't

01:18:08.860 know why but like it's probably because everything is so close not a good not excuse i didn't do it

01:18:13.120 anyways we're driving away you go don't do it but we did it we had to do as i say not as i do

01:18:19.620 and so she starts pulling out immediately pulled over like immediately pulled over and she's a

01:18:25.080 local girl like she's born and raised in hawaii like and hpd like they're really nice like they're

01:18:29.960 super nice to local people so she pulls they pull us over the two guys in the back are athletes so 0.77

01:18:34.620 they're like oh my god oh my god oh my god and i was like are you guys fucking 21 and they're like 0.83

01:18:38.580 yeah i'm like you're fine relax because we were all 21 at that point and so i'm sitting in the 0.93

01:18:42.340 passenger seat but i'm immediately sober because i'm like oh and then she's like he goes oh have

01:18:46.860 you been drinking she's like i only had a couple and i was like a couple hundred but okay girl you

01:18:51.720 were drinking like a fish i was like you drank more than i did words yeah she's like no i only

01:18:55.380 had a couple he's like okay he takes her out and then he takes her back there he starts giving her 0.98

01:19:00.460 the test like the walking in a line like all that shit i wasn't watching but i'm assuming she failed 0.94

01:19:05.440 miserably because then he breathalyzed her right and then she was like over the limit but i didn't 0.96

01:19:10.740 know what was going on i'm just sitting there and it looks like they're kind of like laughing

01:19:13.760 kiki i was on instagram yeah i was like i was again drunk so i was just like staring out the

01:19:19.020 window and then she comes back and she goes and i go oh how's it going because she looks happy and

01:19:24.200 like fine she goes okay so i'm getting arrested what i need you to do take my car drive it to

01:19:29.800 your house so it doesn't get impounded and then i'll get it from you tomorrow i said girl you 0.99

01:19:33.200 out of your fucking mind i'm not doing that shit she goes i need you to take it so it doesn't get 0.99

01:19:36.940 tote okay love you she goes he puts the cups on her fucking car i was like oh my god like i was 1.00

01:19:44.160 like i was freaking i was like okay i gotta call an uber or something like i get out of the car 0.97

01:19:48.460 and so the police officer comes and he's like um have you been drinking i go yeah i have been i

01:19:53.060 have been i've been drinking yeah and then he was like okay well i don't want to tow the car so like

01:19:57.340 um you know if you want like you can drive it i said what is this a test so i get behind the wheel 0.94

01:20:02.400 and then you pull me over nice try buddy not today me still fucked up nice try you're not 1.00

01:20:06.920 gonna get me today fucking bitch fucking pig 1.00

01:20:12.760 and i'm literally like oh no no no like i'm not doing that and he was like it's not a test like 1.00

01:20:20.720 he's like if you want i can breathalyze you and if you're over it then just call a cab and go home 0.69

01:20:25.520 and i was like okay so i got out why i don't know i got out walk over there mind you i'm like tits 0.83

01:20:30.860 push up to my chest like i'm literally in this like shortest shorts ever fashion nova yeah i'm

01:20:35.280 like officer nice to meet you and then he breathalyzes me girl i was 0.01 i said i hold

01:20:43.060 alcohol like a tank and then i drove home drove drove through the drive-thru of taco bell picked

01:20:50.360 up some food went home you and the homies in the back yeah and then i called my mom when i got home 0.55

01:20:53.880 i said you'll never guess what happened to me tonight and the mom's like yeah those are your 0.87

01:20:57.000 grandpa's jeans like my my grandpa because he can hold liquor like a champ did you feel drunk

01:21:02.060 though i thought i did i mean i think the adrenaline probably sobered me up more than

01:21:06.120 anything but i was like he's like oh you're like not even drunk at all and i was like 0.97

01:21:10.560 you're goddamn fucking right i'm not god damn you said hey thanks player 0.99

01:21:15.600 hey dap me up free the homies 1.00

01:21:20.660 Free my girl 1.00

01:21:23.140 What can I do to get my girl out of the bathroom 0.99

01:21:25.320 By the way she should be president 1.00

01:21:28.080 She's like bestie I'm getting arrested 0.82

01:21:30.380 Yeah she's like okay so I'm getting arrested

01:21:32.080 But here's what I need you to do

01:21:33.440 Lock in with me

01:21:34.620 Need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed 0.99

01:21:36.620 And I was like what the fuck are you doing 0.99

01:21:38.220 Can you hand me my lip gloss 0.99

01:21:39.400 The cops are like chilled

01:21:41.800 They are arresting me but they're like being very cool about it

01:21:44.720 They're really cool

01:21:45.880 Yeah she came to my house the next morning 0.89

01:21:47.580 She was on my doorstep the next morning 1.00

01:21:48.620 She was like yo crazy night

01:21:50.660 yeah one would say yeah she's like yeah last night was a misdemeanor

01:21:54.640 last night was a warning last night was a class a felony

01:21:58.800 well anyways we've talked about literally everything except the topic which is great

01:22:10.060 we didn't need it literally when i text you yesterday girl what's the topic

01:22:20.500 girl just kidding never mind we don't need one we don't need one forget it hey forget about it

01:22:25.880 that that cooper story is gonna stay with me yeah forever that's same way that's leah god bless him

01:22:30.580 that's famo right that's fan that's gang that's gang for real that's mother cooper is mother i 1.00

01:22:38.060 put two pills in front of cooper one's mother one's cunt so choose one 1.00

01:22:43.020 he popped both 1.00

01:22:47.940 he's off the perks

01:22:51.520 there are two pills in front of you 1.00

01:22:54.820 one's mother one's cunt 1.00

01:22:56.800 Cooper do you feel the rush 1.00

01:22:58.400 I'm like Alexa play Rush

01:23:03.200 by Troye Sivan 1.00

01:23:03.740 what are you wearing that's poppers 0.60

01:23:07.220 babe

01:23:07.540 oh wow

01:23:09.620 well thank you to comedy geniuses

01:23:13.020 for coming on the pod again. 0.99

01:23:14.400 I love y'all to goddamn death. 0.99

01:23:16.680 And I'm serious. 0.99

01:23:17.940 I love you both so much.

01:23:18.800 I could not be more grateful

01:23:19.580 for your friendship. 0.99

01:23:20.640 Fucking same. 0.97

01:23:21.280 The feeling is so mutual. 0.88

01:23:22.620 I love you.

01:23:23.120 Let's never work together again.

01:23:25.580 This was tough.

01:23:26.700 We shouldn't, yeah.

01:23:27.360 I feel bad for everyone in the room.

01:23:28.980 It's upsetting.

01:23:29.540 They had to turn the air on for us.

01:23:30.540 We were sweating. 1.00

01:23:31.400 You could put three big girls in a room 1.00

01:23:32.920 and not have the fucking air on? 1.00

01:23:34.800 I was like, 10 more minutes 0.99

01:23:35.340 without that mini split run in.

01:23:36.640 And it would have smelled like 0.84

01:23:37.720 Bedossian. 1.00

01:23:40.080 You would have needed 1.00

01:23:40.900 Coop's cologne for sure.

01:23:42.260 Not even that could have covered the stench

01:23:44.220 No lucky you wouldn't touch what I got brewing 1.00

01:23:46.360 Butt pussy 1.00

01:23:48.140 Butt pussy 1.00

01:23:49.820 Booty dick and pussy 1.00

01:23:51.520 Y'all aren't up 1.00

01:23:52.900 Butt pussy 1.00

01:23:53.900 Y'all aren't up 1.00

01:23:54.460 Well that's you know my prom date knows all about that 1.00

01:23:57.180 He's metaphorical dildos up his butt pussy 1.00

01:23:59.840 He's all up in his own 1.00

01:24:02.420 I know he's giving some mousy girl hell in the bedroom 1.00

01:24:04.460 I know they waited 1.00

01:24:06.500 I know they waited until marriage and she didn't realize what she signed up for

01:24:09.180 Oh he's like please pick me please 1.00

01:24:11.620 I know some bitch in a cardigan goes through war every night. 1.00

01:24:16.160 I'm sorry to say, if the temple's rocking, don't come and knock it. 1.00

01:24:20.160 Car a cardigan and some Tevas.

01:24:22.040 I know. 1.00

01:24:23.580 I know he rips those capris off her. 1.00

01:24:27.940 Hair down to her knees.

01:24:29.400 You're real.

01:24:30.460 That Stanley is clinking around. 1.00

01:24:33.000 Damn. 0.98

01:24:34.460 But thank you guys so much for coming on the show. 0.99

01:24:36.480 I love y'all.

01:24:37.060 Oh, love you.

01:24:38.160 Love you guys.

01:24:39.240 The best people in the world.

01:24:40.100 Let's never do this again.

01:24:41.620 Let's make a pact.

01:24:42.540 In 10 years, we'll all meet up right back here.

01:24:47.780 Why is everybody laughing?

01:24:50.580 The one. 1.00

01:24:51.440 I'm going to shoot you dead when we finish, 1.00

01:24:53.180 so you're not going to make it for 10 years. 0.99

01:24:55.700 The one where they go on Brat TV.

01:25:01.660 Wait, this is low-key our central perk.

01:25:06.380 Where is Marcel the monkey?

01:25:10.280 Dibs on fat, Monica. 1.00

01:25:11.620 i'll be fat joey when he has that one scene where he's fat dibs on that monica i want to play that 0.99

01:25:18.280 beefy bitch i like to think i like to think i'm uh monica or like rachel or phoebe but 1.00

01:25:25.740 i'm gunther bitch i'm kind of swimmer not even ross you're david swimmer i'm david swimmer out 1.00

01:25:34.140 of drag not my ross drag did you guys see the super cut of all the times he said juice during 0.96

01:25:38.940 the age oj movie he said he said he goes he goes your uncle juice is a good man juice juice juice

01:25:44.620 because they called oj the juice yeah and there's a super cut of david schwimmer's character in that 0.52

01:25:49.220 saying it 15 million it's so fucking funny he's like juice juice juice it's like literally every

01:25:56.500 scene you're david schwimmer but in madagascar melmond that's two melmond jokes you've made 0.93

01:26:03.080 obviously comedy is my my job my my calling and purpose in life you got madagascar on the brain

01:26:08.620 last night was a pixar animated feature that's true that's a dreamworks feature

01:26:12.300 whoa okay

01:26:13.900 i'm sorry yeah i was very gracious to come in

01:26:19.820 and be vulnerable with me somebody fly in my gun

01:26:24.360 you're like somebody fly in the mother gun

01:26:29.380 thank you guys for coming on the pod i adore you i love y'all i love it y'all thank you all for

01:26:37.040 joining us on this all star episode

01:26:39.040 where can everybody find you please

01:26:40.980 promote anything I'm on tour but the shows

01:26:43.120 are all sold out I don't know what to tell you

01:26:45.100 sorry guys

01:26:45.820 I'm on Caleb Says Things on the internet you can find me on there

01:26:49.080 and listen to my new podcast So True episodes

01:26:51.220 with both of these two you've probably already seen it

01:26:53.200 but check it out yeah please get

01:26:55.080 those views up because the ad suitability is

01:26:56.820 literally all my ad suitability on YouTube is like

01:27:01.100 just them being like get a grip

01:27:02.740 I am Brittany Broski I have a 1.00

01:27:05.160 podcast called the broski report i have a show called royal court that this motherfucker has 0.95

01:27:09.020 been on we have got to get you on it my brother yeah a lot of talk yeah a lot of talk not a lot 0.88

01:27:14.280 of emails yeah let's get those followers up we'll revisit yeah we'll say if you get those

01:27:20.060 followers up we can have you on the show let's do it next quarter let's see 100k let's see 100k

01:27:25.180 come on let's see that plaque hang in there 0.54

01:27:27.540 oh my god yeah please follow them on everything you probably already fucking do but thank you 0.87

01:27:35.480 all for joining us on this episode thank you for watching my my brother and sister in christ 0.86

01:27:39.660 look at us together seriously y'all

01:27:42.220 shooting up thank you guys so much for watching this episode i love you all thank you to brittie

01:27:51.560 and caleb the funniest people on the internet and i'll see you next week bye

01:27:57.540 We'll be right back.

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - June 03, 2026

RE-RELEASE： COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon ｜ Episode 224

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