WE'RE DADA Ft. Hannah Berner | Episode 227
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 18 minutes
Harmful content
Misogyny
43
sentences flagged
Toxicity
267
sentences flagged
Hate speech
220
sentences flagged
Summary
In this episode of the Comment Section Show, I chat to Hannah Burnside who is a stand-up comedian, writer and all-round badass. We talk about how she got her start in comedy, what it's like being in a group chat with your besties, and how she and her bestie got into trouble with the law.
Transcript
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ugly people cheat too yeah if you can believe ugly people suck i would argue
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ugly men cheat a lot more cheat a lot more i've also said that yeah i've also really good looking
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men have seen enough tits they're tired by 35 they're like i've seen them all i'm good i just
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want a cigarette and to relax hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the
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comment section show sorry me your fave everybody knows me who cares about me
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on to the guest today we have the iconic the hilarious the legendary hannah burner
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oh my god i'm so happy to be here thank you for having me oh my god i'm so happy to have you
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we've literally met for three seconds we have but we were saying and we've already kissed at least
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twice before the cameras came on with their base we were lighting it up it was crazy i'll climb you
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like a tree you won't have to climb that far you're tall too yeah i'm five seven yeah no i'm
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saying in my friend group i'm the tall one you and me both i put girls in my pockets right i carry
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their baggage for them yeah i'm dada and you're dada i'm daddy yeah like when we go out same no
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my bestie page i'm her boyfriend i'm her man i'm her man you're her man i'm her man but no i'm so
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excited to be here you um i feel like we both are men's like sleep paralysis demons in different
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ways yeah we're sandwiching them for real so like i just artist to artist i just want to say
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i love your work lover of the game to lover of the game
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all his life and people express it in different ways but i appreciate your hard work out there
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likewise honestly likewise i think honestly i think that's why we feel spiritually connected
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yeah i think that's we've we've literally never spent time with each other no but it feels like
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we have also you're close with teffy yes i'm close with teffy so when you text teffy i feel
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like you texted me is that a thing where you're like no we just recently exchanged numbers so
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now we're for real yeah now when i text hefi i will text you for real i'm i love a group chat
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throwing a little a little emoji a little a little gif i love a little group chat too oh yeah i've
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been naming group chats a lot lately i feel like this business is nothing but fucking emails and
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group chats like that's all i'm in two billion group chats but i do have to say like we talk
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stand-up comedy you talk about great tiktoks yeah a good timed gif in a group chat like
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that's legendary right when everyone's reacting to yours when you're killing yeah and you know
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and you know also when you have to be like i gotta say this right now or someone else is
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gonna get ahead of it and we'll lose the moment also when you change the group title oh without
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like warning people and it hits girl like i stay doing that too changing the names yeah i did that
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once when we were we were in ireland and um yes what a trip when we had left we were like uh well
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like half of us had left already some of us were still staying and so we were out in a group chat
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it was me my sister caleb and britney and so we were all texting in there and like just like super
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gushy stuff like i love you guys like the universe brings friends into your life that you just you
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know you're getting real emotion yeah and so you're like sending these in insanely heartfelt
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messages to each other and we're like yeah yeah yeah and my sister responded a little bit later
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when we had already kind of started moving away from that and started being funny but she was we
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were still in the moment so we were still reacting and stuff but then it was just poorly timed my
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sister sent like a really heartfelt text and like right above it at the same time I had changed the
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group name to something super awful and terrible and I can't say only because it won't make sense
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to you and I don't want to have to explain the joke but it was just like Caleb's screenshot he
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is like no perfect timing drew but that's also i'm glad you changed the name that's the range
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of a friend group i love having like the darkest talk like before i go on stage sometimes in my
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opener i'll be like so then like when did you feel like it was that moment in your life that
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you were like do we are we gonna make it and then i'm like go have fun out there
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i'm not doing small chat yeah but there's small chat i'm like so in high school like was the
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bullying like how intense is oh shit you gotta go on stage go be funny bye they're like hey you're
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in five by the way honestly okay that's a perfect transition because we want to talk about the new
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special how exciting oh my god thank you oh my god second special thank you period look at you
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well look cranking them out after the first special they were like okay you're gonna do
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second special i'm like that's such a like don't be like don't be stupid it seems selfish it seems
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like too much like in this age of capital i'm like how much shit do we need you need a whole
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another and it's also not like coming up with a new song that's like three minutes it's like a
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whole new fucking hour yeah um i do think with stand-up i love being in a male-dominated space
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and i love taking up space too and i love how people will be like oh like men like women talk
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too much and it's like men have espn like we all are talking a lot your podcast is short compared
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to male podcast right i'm telling you and at least it's entertaining shit i've never heard a man talk
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for 45 minutes straight and been intrigued i do to say the last per minute on your pod like should
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be studied yeah 100 let me see the data on that right someone online figure that out get on it
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the scientists get on it the women in stem get on that and women specifically or gay in stem
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people why don't people say gay and stem are gay guys you guys are in stem i'm not sure i don't
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know you should ask let us know if you're gay and in stem let us know i don't want any like
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male surgeons who aren't gay like doing work on your body or your face no why would you
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because that's how i feel about um male uh gynecologists well what's the matter with you
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that should be illegal what's the matter with you yeah also like so you're a pervert that means
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you're a doctor pervert you had a choice you decided to be a pervert like you're not even
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hiding you're supposed to go to get a phd in perv you know what they're doing they're almost
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but you know what they'll do they'll be like you'll be like you're a pervert for that and
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they're like you're a pervert for thinking i'm a pervert for that like they try to turn on like
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what are we a russian doll here we are perv perv perv on perv i know i've never had it and i'll do
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a male masseuse right i'll go to second base i don't care but i'm no yeah absolutely not and i
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know gay guys are not become gay guys are not becoming gynecologists because that's gross yeah
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straight men are being fucking weird they're being weird that's why i said you're being perv
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i know it and that's why i know it to be true that's why we've barely any research in it because
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they don't work they're just poking around okay so back to the special now that we've gone over
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dr perv back to the special okay so i would love to know like how you felt going into the special
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after having done your first one how did you feel going in my first special i was so nervous my
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first special i full-on had like a out of body like every anxiety panic attack i always say like
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when you're trying to get to that next level in your life the universe will be like we're not
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letting you get there until you actually face those demons that you thought you overcame yeah
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so it was scary because like performing a film stand-up set you gotta nail that yeah and it
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was like shit talk about one and done because i love a live moment yeah energy the vibes oopsie
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poopsie i messed up ha ha ha silly silly yeah but live it's like a lot of pressure and i was a
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tennis player and i dealt with like a lot of pressure in my past i know and it's all you
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like when you fuck up you go home and you have to look in the mirror and be like you're a fucking
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loser and you're all god it's my team and it's you yeah team you just blame the the girl next
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to you you're like maybe you should have tried harder next time you're a team of one you're
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i'm a team of one it's me fighting with myself and i've been like when the fuck did you do that
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and hannah was a for real tennis player period i love an athletic bitch period oh my god thank you
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and also i know people make fun of me for like talking about tennis which i do talk about a lot
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but it's like what i did and what i know and if i was a dude who played basketball they'd be like
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former basketball player he played in high school i don't know if you know this but i did play
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basketball at one point in my life so but i am also that girl who's who will talk about like an
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injury i had in college like a fuck boy on a date but maybe that's my feminism like right
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going up to men and making them hear about my college tennis career yes it's like taylor swift
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playing guitar for travis kelsey every night like that's that's what i've actually i love that shit
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you're gentrifying their space yes you're taking up their time girls need to start just playing
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bad guitar at night i feel like this is the podcast where we could start those types of
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movements right yeah start being annoying in any way really the way that they are like i was like
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they are extremely annoying learn many ways turn it on them um you have to reverse it
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so when you were building the hour for this new special yeah like how did how did you find that
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to be like a little bit easier did it feel like less pressure this time when you were building
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the hour at first i panicked because what's annoying about stand-up is when you it airs
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it's called like it's burned so that means i always to do a sports analogy it's like it's
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like winning the super bowl you got your netflix special and then you have to start learning how
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to play football again yeah so then you go to the club with no material and you're like
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our kinkles funny like you start from scratch and i was like how am i gonna do a whole nother
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hour of jokes but then you remember you weren't funny because of that specific wording of that
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specific joke right at the end of the day it was like your creative brain and who you are
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so this hour i actually feel like i obviously improved as a stand-up but i was like
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sillier more myself that's so nice you know like when you're with a friend group you fuck with you
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start being like loosey or goosey or you're like i'm gonna go for a risk on this one and then it
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works you're like ah yeah i can't restart and there's no that's like the warmness that i want
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to bring to my specials where you're just like everyone feels comfortable yeah i think that's
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that's really cool too and i think it speaks to like you saying like you're becoming more
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confident too and your ability to be a stand-up and like move as one that's fucking awesome that
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you felt more confident oh my god thank you i also feel like stand-up has certain ways that
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you're like supposed to go about it and i think if i had gone the very old school way as a woman
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like i wouldn't have made it here yeah and i think that the internet and tiktok and group chats is
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like where the girls are shining for a lot of i always talk about it but there'd be more women
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in stand-up if when you went to a drunken bar at 9 p.m in the bronx yeah and no one laughed a lot
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of hilarious women are like maybe this isn't for me no for real that's if you're honestly like just
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not a straight white man and you go into those spaces something happens and you go maybe i should
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go into accounting like that's what happened and i think because they like refuse to laugh
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even if it is funny yeah and it's from big things to little things that happen to you
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so i feel like i'm excited for this new wave of comics based off of the internet i mean
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memes are the girls and the gays that's true i mean we are working creating it everything funny
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and interesting has always been created by marginalized people it's never i've never in
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my life seen something created by a straight white man and been like that's fucking awesome
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i have never in my life felt that way well because trauma right like if you haven't had trauma you're
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not funny you're not interesting you're not you're not i don't want to hear from someone who doesn't
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hasn't faced like really hard times and they overcame it by finding the light in the darkness
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which is like corny as fuck but like but it's true it's so true yeah and but that's why it's
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crazy like netflix like why are there no like why aren't there multiple gay guys yeah and gay girls
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on netflix for real and i always say that the gay girls paved the way for me yeah because they
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don't give a fuck what men think no for real so they walk in the room and they're not like
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you know do i look cute enough did he look at me weird they don't give a fuck they're just doing
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their art yeah they're just they're focusing on what they love which is being funny and that's
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why i think so many lesbians like yeah they paved the way for the straight girls hell yeah
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absolutely even though i am lesbian passing right you and me both
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in that sense yeah because we could throw a ball yeah well yeah i think it's i i also think it's
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just like the me giving dada but that's also just like i think i'm extremely straight looking and
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and and generally like energy but i think it's also just because i'm so fucking mean to men i
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was gonna say and that is so exclusive to lesbians you don't look scared yeah you don't and you're
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not afraid of a man not liking you no never and that's power i'm kind of hoping for it oh if a man
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likes you talk to yourself about that check on that let's revisit that if a man gets good vibes
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from you if he's like there's something i liked about her no yeah you want to give up something
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like no she made me uncomfortable that's or if you like make a video and it's only men agreeing
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with you you're like oh my god i'm on the wrong side of history oh no i've made a terrible terrible
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choice i've had some female comics be like how do you have only female fans and i'm like
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because that's who i'm talking to for real the men the men know that it's not a welcome
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they're probably not going to enjoy it that much over here and which like is how it should be
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yeah and i think the boyfriends have started to come to the shows which that's good is it's a
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problem it's not what i anticipated it's not the energy i want but i do like building tension in
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the room to like call each other everyone out right and it's funny because i also think it's
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important like i want the men to listen though because i have shit to say that i'm sliding in
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that is like important i yeah if you're gonna be here take notes and be quiet yes i always say my
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stand-up the guys that showed up this is probably the longest they've ever listened to a woman talk
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without interrupting right and sometimes they'll still try oh my god whenever any a man even laughs
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too loud i'm like who's who's chaperoning him like so you're talking over women no let one
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so you're gonna talk over me let one was like we're five minutes in and you're already giving
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your opinion also like no one cares that you thought it was funny let women laugh yeah i don't
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care that you thought it was funny no yeah i'm giving performative like women like shut the
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fuck up that wasn't even a real laugh i can fucking tell you would die because at the end of
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my show i would your your crowd work with men would be because you're doing crowd work but
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just alone with yourself yeah that's what that's what you're coming for them and you're like i got
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the mic and you're not saying right exactly so at the end of every show it was almost like research
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i asked men if they ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman right let's just start
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with that the answer is crazy like that was a setup question they literally be like no and i'm
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How do I teach men empathy on this theater show in one minute?
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And then I'd say, can you think of an adjective, which is a describing word for what sex feels like for a woman?
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It's like they've never walked this earth before.
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we're warm yeah you're not we're warm you feel warm you're once again you're thinking about you
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yes i've never been cold and been like if i had a dick in me i'd be warm right now yeah sorry mom
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and god i'm freezing i wish someone was here i wish i had penetration no if any no
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one one other guy said stabbing i had to stop the show
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right okay no yeah all right well stabbing call the cops on him they do all the like
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you know exciting and i'm like yeah i've never finished sex and been like
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exciting that was so exciting on my special some guy said teamwork i said there's teamwork that's
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not even a descriptive word so like that's not an adjective i've lost more faith in the male
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species since like doing i've been in the rooms drew i'm talking to the specimens yeah you're
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getting ground like ground floor yes yeah boots on the ground and it's not looking good and then
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i'm looking at their girlfriend i'm like this conversation in the car going home is going to
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be a journey hey hopefully you guys fight on the way home yeah hopefully you work some stuff out
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because i'm just speaking truths up here i'm not doing crowd work actually i'm just nosy on stage
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actually right you have to be you have a curious mind that's important thank you you're like look
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at me i'm multitasking i'm entertaining and i'm also researching yeah and i also can sense like
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when a guy is gonna have a really bad answer yeah it's those little when you do it so much like just
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the length of his sleeve even like you know it's like a little too long
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for a little too many wrinkles a little too a weird earring that it's like we're in minnesota
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what's going on like little new a facial hair that's just not right yeah it's a little off
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and i could how they're sitting i'm like he's scared yeah i could smell fear you would fucking
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oh my god well you've done live shows i've done live shows yeah i've done i've done stand-up
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twice well a couple yeah twice and then I've done like live comedy like with my sister when we go
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on tour and do podcasts which is I mean obviously like you I'm sure very few men I do an opening
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bit though every time we perform where I'm like is there anyone here um that has no idea who the
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fuck we are and came as a plus one almost always they're men and so always big man nice shocker
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but I'm like okay well I hope you guys enjoy the show um you know have a good time laugh and if
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you don't i have your money so i actually don't give a fuck i don't fucking care either way i
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don't care and that's feminism yeah there you go yeah making it listen to you which reminds me i
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love asking female comics like um if you've ever been given notes on your sets like that's like
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one of my favorite questions to ask because it's always all the time and it's funny from an athlete
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perspective it's like being a tennis player and a guy like watching you hit and trying to give you
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notes and i'm like i'll literally whoop your ass you know what stand right there and i'm gonna hit
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the ball as hard as I can how about that yeah I actually first kind of wanted to be a sports
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broadcaster me too really yeah I did wait me and you welcome back to Diego wait I'm obsessed with
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us we should take that gig that they gave Snoop Dogg and Kevin Hart but they should give it to us
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oh my god so we can commentate sports that's literally my dream oh my god okay me manifesting
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wait manifesting I'm in LA so suddenly I'm like wait I'm obsessed with that because
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yeah I want to be a sports broadcaster and I come from like a basketball family and I love
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interviewing people so i nicks fan are you excited about them my dad cried last night
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my dad hasn't shed a tear since 1999 he was crying on the phone it's that running joke that like if
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they win or lose everyone get out stay out of new york if you're not from there my dad whether they
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win or lose disown me to smell jaylen brunson like but it's i come from like my grandpa was
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a basketball coach in brooklyn very cool and um he was one of those literally guys that they make
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they talk about in movies where he'd see like a tall guy on the street and be like you're making
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it to college you're coming to high school like crazy like just insane brooklyn in the 70s if you
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can imagine yeah so then in college i was like i went to wisconsin playing tennis and i had to do
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a gig my last year and i was like are you guys badgers the badgers yeah and it was a little
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culture shock for me but yeah we learned we grew we had a lot of cheese i learned i need lactate
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lactate um yeah which you love yes i do i feel i'm very familiar with lactate that's what we
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dm about if you're wondering what's under the surface that's true let me look at the camera
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for that so anyway i yeah at wisconsin i started doing interviews and the men would come up to me
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before i had to go on camera and be like do you know what a double double is and i had to look
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at like first of all do you think i like accidentally fell in this and i and i'm just
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lying my way through like yes like do you think that i'm just a girl who was giving a microphone
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i don't know what i'm doing why am i here and i remember getting fucking angry yeah and the like
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the constant just like little the assumptions that i don't know anything yeah and then i i had
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to move to like a small town to start if i wanted to do sports broadcasting and i was i was like i
00:21:08.840
want to go back to new york city and ended up cold calling blah blah blah long story short it was
00:21:13.940
because i felt like it was so sexist that i kind of was like i'm not in the mood for this right and
00:21:18.720
then i found myself in stand-up comedy but i feel like that was when i was like stronger and ready
00:21:22.520
to right totally i just love disrupting male spaces and that's like what i was put on this
0.59
00:21:27.040
earth for you're telling me bitch so anyway that's why i love you but i feel like we do it in um
00:21:34.260
in a way that's so tasteful yeah and it's also really authentic to us and it's weird i didn't
0.88
00:21:40.660
know i didn't know that you started doing interviews and stuff in college which is so
00:21:44.180
interesting because that's what i did too like so i grew up an athlete so i play i played soccer my
00:21:48.420
whole life so that was my main sport but i tore my acl my in high in high school and so then i
00:21:53.440
literally frat guys right now i was gonna go if it wasn't for my knee but i i really when i tore
00:22:01.100
everything in my knee i for real thought to myself okay this isn't forever so what do i want to do
00:22:04.820
instead and i and i started thinking about what i wanted to do so i wanted to work in sports and i
00:22:09.140
was like i want to do broadcasting literally on my um resume like my my reels and all that stuff
00:22:14.860
i wrote that i wanted to be the next bob costas because i'm i came from a football family yeah
00:22:19.080
so everybody loved football my dad loves when he had a pink guy during the olympics do you remember
00:22:22.880
that yes that's like the one thing i remember about bob cost and the whole time he had the
0.89
00:22:27.160
biggest pink guy you know cbs or whoever the fuck was like right this is happening yeah he's getting
0.94
00:22:33.120
paid like 400 million dollars get the hell out there but also only a man only a man could show
1.00
00:22:37.720
up with a full pussing pink eye and be this close to the camera pussy pink eye imagine
0.99
00:22:44.480
they would have put us in an eye patch and he said you're gross nobody wants to see it but
0.98
00:22:51.760
everyone was like bob causes his experience okay looks like he's seen stuff anyway i interrupted
00:22:57.040
you but i i experienced you wanted to be bob yeah i experienced the same thing in interviewing
00:23:01.740
interviewing in college um talking to athletes like especially how uh interviewing them was also
00:23:08.020
painful um i don't know if this is shocking to hear but a lot of them are not very eloquent
00:23:13.500
well cte is a real thing it's very and i did i i joke i did cte charity all through college for
00:23:21.900
free i dated these men i talked to these men i did their homework i right i helped them you and me
00:23:26.520
both i told them what a major was i literally i helped them like get from place to place right
00:23:31.740
literally i i and i remember one time i was interviewing someone um and he told me which
00:23:37.280
i mean i did end up dating this person but that is neither here nor there um he he literally told
00:23:42.300
me like in an interview while i was interviewing him he's like you know normally i get asked to do
00:23:46.840
interviews because i'm i'm one of the smartest guys on the team and i'm like oh word yeah for
00:23:51.420
sure as i'm like interviewing him and then through i wish to this day i could remember what it was
00:23:55.700
but he made up a word and it was one of those words it was like oh what's the one where he's
00:24:00.640
a visionary yeah so it's one of those like conversated like you know like conversated
00:24:04.480
is not a word it was something like that yeah and he made up a word like right after he said
0.94
00:24:09.360
that to me and i was like yeah okay i'll fuck around with you for a couple more months and
0.82
00:24:14.120
then you know that's the thing then i'm done you're like okay there's four more months left
0.97
00:24:17.960
that my i swear to god my dude texted me the word isn't and he spelled it i s i n t it is okay and
00:24:28.140
i was like i have to speak up for women like this is bigger than me and i he was he literally i
00:24:32.580
responded he was like i'm tired from practice and i was like you don't add a letter when you're
0.99
00:24:36.920
tired that's crazy that's not what that's called but he was stupid he was getting concussed like
0.98
00:24:40.900
he would see like colors but he couldn't tell the coach because then they take him out and he
1.00
00:24:45.640
couldn't go pro whatever so i'm just watching his brain just shriveling up but he that was a large
00:24:50.660
man that was a tall man he would throw me around i was like i'll stay with you i'll keep going and
00:24:55.500
you know what all right i'll see it through you know every now and then feeling dainty
00:25:00.340
i've always been drawn to larger men so i was a jersey chaser if you will in college but i would
00:25:09.620
argue you're not a jersey chaser if you are an athlete that's true fam i mean yeah we're just
00:25:14.440
running parallel yes at that point we're pacing just trying to have a division one child yeah you
00:25:19.940
talk about that right that's true dude if i've pitched that to caleb because i don't want kids
00:25:23.880
personally but i've told caleb i was like i mean obviously i don't want to ever be pregnant but
00:25:28.140
like if you put if my egg mixed with his sperm in my body olympian d1 olympian and he was like
00:25:35.780
well now i'm gonna have to consider because he loves football which i was like you know what
00:25:41.360
and look listen but it's true if i was a large man in college and i saw you
00:25:45.980
start humping your leg i'd be like nike sponsorship date out of the womb but also
1.00
00:25:53.760
your poor pussy like right that baby would be fucking huge yeah no way that's why even my my
1.00
00:25:59.580
man like now is like he's six four so he's a big dude and like like we he was like a 11 or 12 pound
1.00
00:26:06.660
baby and i was like a i was a nine pound almost 10 pound baby i feel like that's a good good i
00:26:12.520
should talk about that more often like how much did you weigh when you came out of the room is
00:26:15.540
that a lot like yeah they're like let's not talk about baby's bodies let's not shaming that's not
0.98
00:26:21.620
i go you were nine oh interesting yeah i know i was a big ass fucking baby and my brother was
0.94
00:26:27.440
born after who was the last baby my mom had he was almost 11 pounds because my dad's a huge dude so
0.98
00:26:32.820
it's like holy shit yeah it's not in the stars for me worked out that i don't want kids because
0.99
00:26:37.100
holy fuck you know what i mean oh jesus christ can't do it yeah you don't have to pee it would
1.00
00:26:42.180
just fall out yeah drink water it'd go right through you right for real just douche right
1.00
00:26:48.000
out my fucking pussy no vaginas are very powerful and they adapt that is that's true literally
1.00
00:26:53.860
well that's why i don't understand what men call women loose because i'm like so a girl who's
1.00
00:26:58.640
getting hooking up with her boyfriend do you hook up with your boyfriend a girl who's having
0.97
00:27:02.520
sex with her boyfriend every single day for three years right is tighter than a girl who has sex with
0.97
00:27:07.840
a different guy every month because she's single the math is a math he's like you don't get it i'm
1.00
00:27:12.500
dr pervert you don't understand i went to school for this shit okay so listen to me how's that
0.99
00:27:17.160
dummy the footage of a gynecologist like teaching room just full of a bunch of dudes like talking
1.00
00:27:25.720
and they and they all still don't know what a clit is crazy just skip the yeah i was like you
0.98
00:27:29.740
studied the whole inside huh didn't figure out the outside nice well what's the worst piece of
0.61
00:27:35.580
advice you've ever been given on a on like jokes or like one of the most memorable times oh yeah
00:27:39.380
guys giving me notes and stuff yeah i actually have a joke that made it on my hulu special
00:27:43.780
where i i joke about like i'm a reality tv6 i'm a stand-up comedy 17 and like i have a bit
00:27:50.200
i joke about how um stand-up comedians are kind of like serial killers that we don't have to be
00:27:55.500
that good looking to be considered ridiculously good looking and i make fun of like our ted
00:27:59.400
bunnies not that hot and like whatever and i was working on that joke and a guy pulled me aside he
00:28:04.180
was like you know it's kind of hack to like to do like oh i'm a do you keep hearing podcast ads
00:28:13.060
like this one for example but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own
00:28:18.100
brand or organization well it's easier than you think we're a cast and we give you the platform
00:28:23.900
to do it all yourself browse thousands of popular podcasts choose the shows that match your perfect
00:28:30.040
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00:28:35.900
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00:28:41.960
acast.com slash advertise you know la6 or whatever and i was like yeah that wasn't the bit i was i
00:28:51.380
was doing right but then part of me this is so sad a lot of the time like guys will watch other
00:28:57.540
guys like at the club when there's a show and then when a girl goes on stage all the guys just leave
00:29:02.680
yeah like they don't even want to watch it of course not so then i was like well thank you for
00:29:06.500
listening i love attention wait so you stay for my set all right i'm obsessed with that someone's a
00:29:13.500
fan but i also like in comedy i i because it was like my second third career yeah i didn't have a
00:29:20.560
huge ego like it didn't define me and i just like tried to learn from the people around me and then
00:29:25.720
like when i could sense that it was just like there you go i was i would just be kind of like
00:29:30.120
thank you i appreciate your work i love your i know thank you for your time when i talked to
00:29:35.260
marybeth once she was like oh yeah one time i left the club and he followed me out and was like
00:29:39.480
giving me notes on my set yeah as i'm walking out and he was like why aren't you writing this down
00:29:44.240
she said writing this down is this homework that's why she literally went why would i do that
00:29:49.320
no i'm not entertaining you're just talking at me i didn't ask like you're just kind of following
00:29:54.500
me and saying words i haven't been listening the whole time you've been talking so it's so
00:29:58.540
it's so funny i do think also yeah commanding a room i guess is a like masculine quality but i
00:30:06.040
think women are the leaders right like we're the leaders in every family yeah i disagree i think
00:30:11.820
commanding a room is just when you're it like when you have it true right so it's like it's so it's
00:30:17.220
so specific to people who like just have it the ability to capture an audience right is is an
00:30:23.220
inherent trait to some people and a real struggle to others well it's funny people do they get very
00:30:29.340
impressed with stand-up because it's like a big fear for a lot of people and they'll be like how
00:30:32.820
do you do it and i'm like my brain's just weird we're like i'm scared to drive but like i can talk
00:30:38.120
in front of 2 000 people and that's my that's my journey in this life like i just got my skill set
00:30:43.500
that was gifted yeah like for some reason something's twisted where i'm like this is safe
00:30:47.060
yeah this is safe but like me trying to drive 10 miles per hour i'm like something bad's gonna
00:30:52.840
happen that's right i know you're a notorious not driver yes don't like to drive well i'm a
00:30:57.640
i'm a city girl you know that's true you're a new york girl i'm a new yorker yeah i try to make it
00:31:02.540
like it's a cool thing but at some point my mom was like it would be nice like something happened
00:31:07.820
to someone that you could get in a car yeah you should probably have that general skill yeah so
00:31:12.240
that's i i all last summer that was my goal to get my driver's license and i was like i had a
00:31:18.220
therapist about it like it was intense but because i literally was like writing like i'm gonna pass
00:31:24.380
my driver's license because it got kind of mental for me yeah totally also like having a man judging
00:31:29.920
a woman driving that feels sexy so misogyny no it's literally setting me up for failure well at
00:31:35.260
the dmb i also i do i would love to see the stats i think they're harder on the female drivers oh
0.85
00:31:40.480
i'm sure and i'm like i'm sure they fucking are and so i try i also try to come in like kind of
0.51
00:31:45.520
like i didn't want to dress too cute like i was really like you know i was going for an audition
0.95
00:31:50.600
yeah like i was like this is i came with a blazer i was like i'm a serious driver business
00:31:55.360
professional driver my hair back my hair back and no makeup and right but i passed it i passed it
00:32:03.680
yes you know they don't tell you anymore at the moment if you pass it because there were physical
00:32:08.580
altercations happening because people they'd be like you didn't pass and they'd get into like
00:32:13.860
huge fights immediately swing on them yeah that's crazy the dmv is iconic yeah even when i i remember
00:32:20.680
when i got my license it was at the dmv right by my in my hometown and there was like you know
00:32:27.180
like kids from my high school were all getting their driver's license and stuff and there was
00:32:30.380
a known like instructor there that would fail everybody and so my first morning i was like the
00:32:37.360
one of the first appointments i was so nervous and he like walked up to my car because you need
0.86
00:32:41.940
to like pull up and i he walked up to my car and he was and i was like of course i fucking get this
0.79
00:32:46.700
guy of course i do and then he came to my window and he like said a name that was not my name and
0.89
00:32:51.460
i was like oh no that's not me and he was like oh and he went to the car behind me and then i got a
00:32:55.700
different guy the universe came in yeah i got so lucky god literally was like not today yeah
00:33:00.600
you're like she needs it she needs the win but to have someone watching you it's like it's like
00:33:06.820
have you ever like typed in front of someone like you just forget how to do it or when you're like
00:33:11.320
trying to find something to show someone that's funny and it's taking too long and you're like
00:33:14.880
just free i swear it's forget it it's fine how come every photo in your phone that you've ever
00:33:18.560
had to show someone is never there right when i'm trying to show them right when you need it it's
0.98
00:33:23.420
at the climax of my story also fuck all these dmv people that get off on failing kids i mean look
0.99
00:33:29.020
most of these teen people shouldn't be of course i will yeah i was in my 30s when i went
0.99
00:33:35.580
i was like look at us together and you go babe we're not in a i got mine late for a teen i got
00:33:43.900
mine when i was 17 yeah i think going to about to be 18 so that's when i got mine keep bragging
00:33:48.460
oh yeah i was i was a sturdy 30 i was a late 32 i was late into my early 30s
00:33:56.300
i did pass but i haven't really driven since because i don't have to it's okay all you had
00:34:02.640
to do was conquer the i have a husband like that's called a driver oh yeah my man drives too
00:34:07.780
he prefers to drive which i which i am like awesome because i don't want i love empowering
0.97
00:34:12.380
them in ways that they feel like that's perfect useful yeah because i actually don't fuck with
00:34:17.260
directions because i'm a creative so i let him like show me where it is and like i don't want
00:34:22.860
to be involved in logistics like that's not my purpose on this planet yeah no to get under
00:34:26.820
paperwork and yeah no thank you it's so funny how we both have a man so that we he's there yeah he's
00:34:33.020
just kind of there you know and honestly if you find a man that adds value to your life yeah not
00:34:38.700
to fully red pill this pod but if he adds value perfect why would you keep a guy that doesn't
00:34:44.980
bring value i agree if he's smart and he believes in you and you can bounce stuff off off him yeah
00:34:50.240
and he doesn't have a cte yeah then keep him around if he makes you feel like you want to
00:34:56.580
be around him right i well and i'm sure you get this question a lot too because because of that
00:35:00.860
which like i do but i get a lot of people asking me or him if they ever meet him like
00:35:05.860
how like almost like how he's able to be with me like and not feel like weird and it's a lot of
00:35:13.820
it's coming from women and it's it's in earnest it's very like did you have to do something to
00:35:19.140
kind of get there um like so one of one of my friends asked him once um and he was like i mean
00:35:25.620
no i didn't have to like work to get there because like all of the things you're describing are
00:35:29.680
reasons why i i was drawn to her so like it would be crazy for me to be with her and then want to
00:35:34.740
get rid of it no i'm gonna cry it's very like to him it's very simple he's like no i like i would
00:35:42.700
be crazy to think that other people wouldn't love her for the reasons i love her like obviously i
00:35:47.600
love her like he's like it makes sense that so many people love her because i do like it's the
00:35:51.360
same thing well it's interesting because that's layered like him liking you despite like you
00:35:57.800
being so vocal about hating men right people get confused about that and i'm like because he knows
00:36:02.380
he's not the man i'm making fun of right because guess who's also making fun of the kind of men i
00:36:06.900
him right he's on my side being like i can't stand that i can't stand that and it is fun to feel like
00:36:13.280
you have like um a spy yeah i'm like what are what are the men talking what like how did we get here
00:36:18.860
and my husband like he's this like big white gray haired dude like he looks maga like like he he's
00:36:28.240
so funny people go to his comedy shows thinking they're gonna get some kind and he just turns it
00:36:32.960
on them yeah and i kind of feel like that's beautiful too for him to be able to bring in
00:36:38.140
all kinds of people and trick them into listening absolutely because sometimes they will only hear it
00:36:42.800
from people who look like that exactly so that's why they're imperative too and sometimes i like
00:36:47.100
having those conversations with him to be like why are men doing this right why do you think this is
00:36:51.580
happening and where do you think we're misunderstood but that's where i started that like i had this
00:36:56.620
hand on the street series with male comics yes where i was like they were comfortable with me
00:37:01.660
which is why i could push it yeah because i don't i don't want to like get anyone in trouble or like
00:37:07.340
have anyone lose their job right like that would be fun though but like it's more i wanted the guys
00:37:12.920
i would ask them stuff about women and sometimes it became very like eye-opening yeah and it was
00:37:18.800
good to have those conversations right i i've talked to about like obviously i joke about
00:37:23.580
hating men all the time and i talk about how like they start guilty and then they have to prove
00:37:27.960
themselves innocent in my eyes which i think is a very fair way to move and like i've like gotten
00:37:33.020
like out of my way almost to like explain not for men but for women specifically who get afraid of
00:37:39.640
vocalizing those feelings that like it's a form of protection which i think we've earned right like
00:37:46.400
women have been violated in more ways than you could ever imagine for thousands of years if
0.99
00:37:52.320
anything what i'm doing what you're doing i always say is like tip of the fucking iceberg like you
0.98
00:37:56.840
guys are lucky that i was only born recently you know what i'm saying like imagine if i was born
0.99
00:38:02.200
hundreds of years ago like bitch i would have been lighting that shit up like that's what i'm saying
1.00
00:38:05.460
like in every there's laws now yeah every reincarnation of me bitch is antagonizing men
1.00
00:38:10.180
because they can't help but violate women so it's like it's one of those things where i'm like you
0.98
00:38:14.760
can feel safe to vocalize how you feel because that is the only reason women even have rights
0.94
00:38:20.520
today is because of women like that women women who refuse to be quiet about it is the only reason
0.82
00:38:26.520
you and i are able to talk about it let alone make money off of it and that's why i laugh when
0.95
00:38:30.940
they say things like oh she's like profiting off of women's misery what i am extorting someone for
00:38:36.420
sure for money and i can promise you it's not women who love me it's awful men who can't shut
1.00
00:38:40.980
the fuck up like i am literally using and abusing your stupidity to build an empire like i stand on
1.00
00:38:47.260
the shoulders of men who hate me like my best-selling book is purely because men are so
1.00
00:38:52.780
fucking awful women are now like i'm gonna buy a book and i'm gonna learn how to fucking de-center
1.00
00:38:57.800
them i'm gonna do that we all see it but you fucking verbalize it you put it into fucking
1.00
00:39:02.960
a thesis a hypothesis a conclusion you fucking write it out you know every time i think you're
0.99
00:39:08.900
done you're like and another thing and i've also said too i'm like you guys think you need me
0.99
00:39:13.280
to make women hate you girl you you that pr is all your own like what are you talking about
0.99
00:39:20.220
bitch like they really think they're like you're convincing women to hate men bitch please i was
1.00
00:39:25.340
like you want to hate men just spend a couple minutes with one hang out with one for about
1.00
00:39:28.920
10 minutes you'll find a couple reasons let's start from the beginning some of these men hate
00:39:34.480
us right yeah like there's so many women like you're in a relationship and then one day you're
00:39:38.940
like i don't love him because he hates me like i this problem but like our podcast so many girls
00:39:47.260
are like hey thank you so much i finally broke up with my boyfriend like we're getting gross to like
0.93
00:39:52.480
just same yeah oh i'm a home wrecker bitch i'm like i'm wrecking that home when someone gets
0.88
00:39:59.580
divorced i always say congratulations me too what am i gonna be like i'm like whatever you were in
0.98
00:40:04.920
you had the balls to get out of there to find something better because life is too short to
00:40:08.980
stay with the wrong i agree and just because you spent 10 years with one doesn't mean you have to
00:40:12.680
spend the next 30 100 because we all evolve also some of these men they are fun in the beginning
00:40:17.500
and they are convincing in the beginning right they are tall in the beginning right they have
00:40:22.140
a funny accent in the beginning and they their perfume smells good in the beginning but guess
00:40:27.600
what you're not into him you're into the specific perfume that he's wearing right
00:40:30.940
because that's funny because they hate that they hate that but yeah people also will even like my
00:40:38.940
mom's friends will ask like if my husband how he's handling like that i'm i don't know doing
00:40:43.680
stuff like that i'm doing well you know you're being so hilarious for a living how do you feel
00:40:48.600
about that having a funny woman for a wife and he's a comedian himself right so like but his
0.95
00:40:53.980
thing is like he's had a great career yeah he's an older guy that has seen a lot of shit and he's
1.00
00:41:01.160
loves being able to sit back and like watch me do what i do and he calls me his pension pussy
0.99
00:41:07.980
like he loves it and i also i've always just been looking for a partner yeah i'm not looking for
0.98
00:41:16.440
someone like i i just want to be me and if you want to be in my life with me that's great i also
00:41:21.980
think because i met him in my 30s he met me later in life we're two individuals yeah that just like
0.57
00:41:28.000
fuck with each other we don't complete each other right exactly yeah i don't if something were to
0.94
00:41:33.920
happen we'd both be okay right and i think that's what's actually so fucking romantic about it that
0.99
00:41:39.260
we don't need each other yeah and it's like a choice at that point right like you're choosing
00:41:42.680
each other because you don't need each other we're not there's not a trauma yeah absolutely
00:41:46.620
and it's not a like obligatory thing it's not like oh i feel like i have to be in a relationship i
00:41:52.020
feel like i have to stay with this person and it's like it's a choice like you're like i choose to be
00:41:56.060
with this person because they make me happy and they like uplift me and amplify me like even um
00:42:01.640
with my man too it's been very like he like loves everything that is so like obvious about me and a
00:42:09.240
lot about me like i always say and i say a lot not in a derogatory way it just is like i am a big
00:42:14.800
personality to be with like yeah i'm loud mama for real i just hear entertaining right so i was
00:42:20.580
like i am i am all of that but it's like it's one of those where it's like everything that i am it's
00:42:26.140
worth it it's hard to be with me but it's worth it i'll tell you that much but also like when you
00:42:30.000
can laugh with your partner girl you're telling me who cares if you're crying we're loving
00:42:34.880
i even like uh i've asked him before i'm like who do you think's funnier between the two of us
00:42:39.460
who do you think and then he was like well you obviously and then i was like period that's the
00:42:45.600
right answer and he's beautiful yeah no not to be you know talking about your man but that i can
00:42:52.400
respect yeah no beautiful looking man yes because if he's going to be around at least make it
00:42:56.540
beautiful to look that's what i'm saying i'm like believe it or not ugly people cheat too
1.00
00:43:00.000
yeah if you can believe ugly people suck i would argue ugly men cheat a lot more cheat a lot more
0.99
00:43:06.560
yeah i've also really good looking men have seen enough tits they're tired by 35 they're like i've
1.00
00:43:12.520
seen them all i'm good i just want a cigarette and relax where these fucking guys these fucking
1.00
00:43:19.040
guys have been bullied their whole life and never talked to women who hate women the second they get
1.00
00:43:23.420
attention they they start yeah they start going crazy they start losing their minds for girls who
00:43:28.240
single listening my advice just also with men is like really don't settle i agree they say the
00:43:35.040
happiest girls are the ones who aren't with a guy that's true or they're in a happy relationship
00:43:41.440
yeah and one thing shout out to my mom she was so good at like getting me out of her she would hold
1.00
00:43:47.100
my hand and get me out of relationships when she saw because she was just like life is too short
0.67
00:43:51.380
right and it takes one person to be like oh i fuck with that person yeah but if you're stuck
1.00
00:43:56.040
with ding dong yeah i've never said that in my word but in my life but you suck with a ding dong
1.00
00:44:01.120
i don't care how comfortable it is get get your stuff and leave i don't care if your cds are in
1.00
00:44:06.340
his core for real well it's like i said like you said it's your life is way too fucking short
0.92
00:44:11.880
and at this point like women did not fight for as much as we have now and as little as we have now
0.99
00:44:18.360
there's still a long way to go uh women did not fight for all that for you to settle for a fucking
0.99
00:44:23.100
loser like I was like I'd rat you you should rather be alone which is what I've always said
0.99
00:44:27.960
I'm like that that was something I made peace with right before I think like actually for real
0.98
00:44:32.840
accepted right before I met my man now but I was like you know what that's okay because I am not
00:44:39.420
unhappy like my life is amazing and awesome and I and I'm surrounded by love and I'm deeply loved
0.83
00:44:44.880
by many people family friends women I was like women's love is like irreplaceable in my opinion
00:44:51.680
like you could live without a man loving you but you could never live without a woman loving you
00:44:55.760
and i really do believe that to be true like without men you're like yeah whatever but like
00:44:59.920
with women it's like oh my god what a void life it's like when a woman compliments you versus a
00:45:04.380
man right it's like it means something if a woman compliments me on the street i'll cry yeah i'll
1.00
00:45:09.020
literally be like i really did it like in fact take it you want it here you like it here take it
00:45:14.300
here's a coupon here's a coupon let's go shopping together i also feel like relationships are
0.99
00:45:19.640
mirrors so if your guy sucks you're seeing yourself through his fucked up lens that's true
1.00
00:45:25.940
that's why sometimes your girlfriends when they're in a better relationship i'm like you're a shell
1.00
00:45:29.500
of yourself like you're not yourself right so it's super important also when you get out of a
00:45:34.880
relationship that's my level up time i'm always i feel like relationships are like a corporate job
00:45:40.000
every time i leave one i'm getting a better one like you see you're just moving up the ladder
00:45:44.860
and these girls when we break up we're doing duolingo yeah we're learning japanese we're
00:45:50.740
starting like a certification and a certification yeah we're starting a non-profit i sound like
00:45:56.120
her ex-boyfriend certification that's crazy sorry i'm really smart um but yeah these girls oh they
0.85
00:46:01.660
get the like they they start doing their makeup even cuntier like every time a girl gets a breakup
0.87
00:46:07.340
i'm like she's on a pokemon on the next level yeah she's evolving evolving oh my god when she
0.95
00:46:11.740
emerges i love a breakup to that i'm fucking married it's more complicated but breakups are
0.69
00:46:16.420
so beautiful my favorite part of breakups is like when your friend gets to a point where you can talk
0.98
00:46:21.280
shit oh and you're oh oh my god oh my god i'm like i've had 12 banger jokes that i have not
0.93
00:46:29.500
been able to fire off oh my god i'm so glad you hate him now i'm so glad you hate him now let's
1.00
00:46:33.580
talk about it but you have to wait for her to say it first you have to wait oh my god the way i hear
00:46:38.300
like it feels like when you play mario kart and then it's like the noise that plays when all the
00:46:42.220
traffic lights going it's so niche that's how i feel i'm like oh my god oh my god this is my
00:46:47.240
my time has come my time has come and then you're starting to send like photos of him making fun of
00:46:51.820
him after like it just it's beautiful i know one time we were we were on when we were on tour uh
00:46:59.000
we were all like delirious and and sitting up and late at night and we were all talking and um my
00:47:04.740
friend carrie right over there she had brought up an ex and we were all like doing a competition to
00:47:09.960
see to bring up what we thought he looked like better and i was like this is my bread and but
00:47:15.940
you have no i am so good at comparisons you guys are fighting for second and i literally was like
00:47:20.600
let me go last i literally told them i was like you were you're like i'm the closer i was like
00:47:23.960
i already had it like the minute you showed me a pic i had one and then and then mine killed and
00:47:29.560
i did win so well that's why girls are creative directors i always say like when you meet a guy
00:47:35.500
and they come up with the funny nicknames right like i love when girls are married and they still
0.50
00:47:40.040
have his nickname in the phone yeah and also like as the friend of the girl with the guy like i'm
00:47:45.580
sticking with the nickname yeah i love that when they have monikers like we had in my college
00:47:50.600
girlfriends uh who i'm still friends with to this day like there was multiple of them at one point
00:47:55.020
we're talking to a a chris so then we had to start like adding stuff in front of their names
00:47:59.780
well everyone's man's name is chris yeah right so that was not even every man ever's name is
0.96
00:48:03.940
ch also ch that's yes are they french like ch like what the fuck like what i'm annoyed i'm
0.99
00:48:13.200
annoyed yeah they uh we had one that was dick pic chris because he always sent dick pics like
0.99
00:48:17.920
at least three times a week yeah to one of my girlfriends and then we had motorcycle chris
0.98
00:48:21.740
because there was one that had a motorcycle yeah there was one with a boat so we were like oh that's
00:48:25.800
important and he was the best one he was number one for us that's important also it could be like
00:48:29.660
something very very subtle like this guy played golf once and we played we called him caddy daddy
00:48:35.260
and like he doesn't even play golf but like whatever you need to do to make sure you're
00:48:39.120
texting the right one right yeah you have to label to show up in the wrong chris everybody
00:48:43.740
everybody has to wear name tags until everyone learns but you know what's crazy about tour is
00:48:48.720
men's names in um the south what's going on down there lots of x's yep braxton like dixon like
00:49:00.580
and then the like cypresses wait that's a place in greece you're like that's just a country
00:49:08.120
i'm like italy yeah for real yeah but it's they yeah it's um hard to take them seriously and then
00:49:17.240
they do side have you seen like do their hair to the side what does that mean they have like a side
00:49:22.200
bang oh my god they do but they enable each other it's like an echo chamber in the south do they do
00:49:27.220
it like under the hat too like yes and then they put sunglasses on top of the hat oh man and they're
0.99
00:49:33.060
like perfect yeah let's go out here red as fuck by the way branley yeah it's like all different
0.53
00:49:40.020
kinds of yeah or it's like syllables like bow that's a cough they're just yeah those are just
0.91
00:49:45.900
noises yeah yeah Wyatt Wyatt when I first heard of Wyatt I was like we're gonna have to start from
00:49:51.860
the beginning what is Wyatt I'm from Brooklyn guys names are like Joe like I was thrown Brimley
00:49:58.800
what the hell I don't know that was that was a man his name was Brimley no one knew who knows
00:50:04.620
no one knew who knows but girls with gh at the end of their name I respect you because you had to
00:50:09.420
come up with hard spelling as a young young child you know what i respect your culture i respect
00:50:13.660
your culture i respect your culture of that gh i e gh you have to say that to everyone every time
00:50:18.740
you spell it that's that's trauma imagine wait i love the name drew thank you because it's like
00:50:27.080
simple and you could send an email and people could think you're just like a gay man with
00:50:30.360
exclamation mark right and that's actually where my mom named me uh like gave me a gender neutral
00:50:35.340
name because she said when she was pregnant with me she saw like um this program on tv that was
00:50:40.980
about um it was like studying the differences between like job applications and like acceptance
0.89
00:50:46.660
rate and so like if the applications looked exactly the same and one had like a feminine
00:50:50.980
name like a bethany and then one was like nick they would almost always pick the man yeah so my
1.00
00:50:55.680
mom picked a gender neutral name and every job interview i've ever fucking had like in corporate
0.85
00:51:00.220
america or not like they would be like oh i thought you were gonna be a boy like when they
0.93
00:51:03.320
met me see i love especially in sports they were assumed immediately that i was a man i love that
00:51:08.240
i have a one of my managers name is mac and i was talking to this guy i'm like i'll hook i'll talk
00:51:12.020
i'll connect you with my manager mac and he was like can we talk to him and i call her and i'm
00:51:15.800
like he's gonna be in a rude awakening yeah don't tell him don't don't tell him i'm like mac's about
0.98
00:51:20.620
to fuck his shit up mac man is about to come in in these streets i know i i sometimes feel like
0.99
00:51:27.800
with emails people yeah hannah's such a fucking girly name which you know what it's good to be
1.00
00:51:34.460
girly true it's like we want to throw like a girl we want to be a girl right there's so much
0.98
00:51:38.780
subconscious just like you've got social dialed in search is doing its thing so why do your
00:51:46.660
marketing results look the same as six months ago that's because you're fishing in the same pond as
00:51:51.620
everyone else podcast listeners are a different audience entirely more engaged harder to reach
00:52:27.080
so i want to say that word but that's okay yeah are you i am are you a strong emailer oh yeah i'm
1.00
00:52:33.420
a very like visceral emailer i can i can really dice someone up in an email but that's just
00:52:38.580
because i'm a virgo i think so i'm like i really enjoy insulting especially in the written word
00:52:43.140
i do love to write you do all capitals when you want them to know that you're yelling yeah or if
00:52:47.740
it's if it's professional if it's professional and i want them to know i'm yelling i'll i'll bold it
00:52:52.920
or i'll italicize it italicize i'm obsessed with that that's artistic yeah like you're the
00:52:58.460
michelangelo of yelling people that's wait that's italicizing stuff yeah oh i get i don't know if
00:53:04.300
gen z's know how to italicize no for real that's it's complicated i know or even write an email
00:53:08.560
like i i really you guys need to learn how to write a strongly worded email it will come in handy
00:53:12.460
i have actually ghostwritten emails for people i've ghostwritten texts for people one of my
00:53:17.620
my cousin when we were um on vacation together like a couple years ago um she her boyfriend she
00:53:24.100
found out he had cheated so she was breaking up with him and then his like dad was texting her
0.95
00:53:28.580
or something and she was like what the fuck like i don't want to listen to this guy like and he was
0.99
00:53:33.440
making excuses for his son whatever the fuck um and so then she gave me her phone i was like give
0.99
00:53:38.940
it to me i wrote the meanest text you could possibly imagine in a way that was like like
0.97
00:53:44.300
it made sense for her to say it but i i'm like i can strike your tone too like if i know how you
00:53:49.540
talk i can write it like that i've written several for my sister uh i've written some
00:53:54.500
for my friends you're an unpaid ghostwriter right i am i don't know it is funny when you
00:54:03.880
loves ghostwriters i'm good that's why if someone if you need to break up with someone or you need
0.98
00:54:12.300
to like really stick it to a bitch yeah but i feel like it's good to have a ghost writer sometimes
0.94
00:54:17.660
with texts like i see other people's situations so fucking clear for real like when i'm your friend
0.99
00:54:22.240
and i do know everyone's fonts i know you're you're wording i know what words you use and we
0.92
00:54:27.120
never forget and with flirting too because i'm like you know the second you start flirting with
00:54:31.120
someone you actually like you're like i don't know words i don't know sentences so that's why
0.96
00:54:35.060
you need your friend who doesn't give a fuck yeah for real i have this new thing for flirting because
0.99
00:54:39.160
on board and i can't have him flirted in five years that i want to tell the girls about because
0.99
00:54:43.260
someone asked me they were like should you wait a long time before you text and i'm like honestly
00:54:47.560
that's pick me like you're literally putting on a timer to like look like you don't care about this
0.98
00:54:53.480
man text him back immediately with typos so it looks like you don't give a fuck like like you're
0.98
00:55:00.580
on the go like you're texting an assistant that you're like i'm literally too busy for this figure
0.99
00:55:04.220
out what that meant yeah you just you da vinci code that shit reverse psychology like texting
0.95
00:55:09.180
back something that makes no sense yeah and and you're like oh sorry i meant to send that to
0.98
00:55:12.820
someone else there you go like just be a mess and be so chaotic he's like either she's obsessed with
00:55:18.700
me or she hates me and like keep men on their toes and that will keep them yeah that will keep
00:55:23.140
them interested that's for sure at the end of the day the right one you could do anything and he'll
00:55:28.120
i agree can't say the wrong thing to the right person kind of deal period wait so that's a fun
00:55:35.200
little transition into our fun facts i love a segue i do have some fun facts for you oh okay
00:55:40.900
you can tell me if they're fun but they're about you oh yeah i should have specified that they're
00:55:45.920
not about random i was like i like animals for real okay this one says um when you were 16 you
00:55:54.240
played on the boys tennis team at vegan high school because they didn't have a girls team
00:55:58.040
and there was a new york times article written about it that's crazy okay she's the man i love
00:56:03.860
that you got that because that's so like you would appreciate that yet title nine is basically this
00:56:09.000
thing that says if they don't have a girls team the girl has to be able to try out for the boys
00:56:14.080
team yeah so i tried out i made the team and we were winning everything and other teams were
00:56:18.340
getting mad that we had me on the team girl and it was it was so it was so crazy but the beautiful
00:56:26.120
story of it all was that when i went to college they funded the public school a girls team that
00:56:32.160
my dad ended up coaching oh that's like a beautiful look at you making a difference in
00:56:36.400
the world just trying to get but women in sports baby women in stem let's go period oh my god but
00:56:42.580
yeah i made you would have loved this i've made men like break their rackets that's literally what
00:56:47.360
the next one says it says like one time a boy cracked his racket in half in frustration when
0.92
00:56:51.100
you beat him in a championship match drew you would have orgasm period you would have i'm not
00:56:55.040
even kidding i'm not even kidding hannah i got chills oh my god it's amazing but the funniest
00:57:00.040
thing is like in my head i'm like these are high school like i played internationally like these
00:57:05.000
i'm playing high school boys so i'm like if i lose i'm gonna be pissed right but tennis is not a
00:57:09.460
physical sport it's very mental like we're not like pushing each other yeah so i was technically
00:57:14.220
and mentally and physically better than them yes and they'd lose and they'd be so mad yelling
00:57:19.660
screaming and i was just like sorry you're like sorry girl the boys on the team also my team were
0.74
00:57:26.740
very supportive where they'd start fucking with the other teams they'd be like hey take it easy
0.97
00:57:30.780
on her like she's she just started this year they were like yeah they're fucking doing bets
0.71
00:57:35.980
under the table as a black market but the guys on my team knew me and they were really supportive
00:57:40.980
and loved it that's really nice though i'm glad that you they were all supportive of you being
00:57:44.500
well because we all like trained together yeah um but i do think because i was able to like survive
00:57:49.380
being in such a male dominated sport stand up didn't feel as scary for me no that makes a lot
00:57:56.420
of sense yeah honestly and also to like the fact that you it speaks to how courageous you are too
00:58:01.960
because you have to be really brave to do that especially at 16 like when you're in like your
00:58:06.200
prime like centering men phase like in high school especially that's what my prime like
00:58:12.200
pick me phase was unbeknownst to me at the time obviously there was no terminology for it at the
0.98
00:58:16.420
time but like the fact that you were able to do that and sustain and keep doing it is fucking
00:58:21.440
awesome i have to give a shout out to my dad because my dad i remember early on i'd like play
00:58:26.440
a boy and i like lost something and he like pulled me to the side and he was like did you let him win
00:58:31.040
and i was like no like i swear and he goes if you had a crush on him you let him win
0.98
00:58:34.160
not good not cool that's not how we do things get your fucking head in that my dad always was like
0.98
00:58:38.820
my dad literally was like never let a man distract you like that's how i live my life
0.98
00:58:43.000
and my dad so if i saw a guy like being cute and stuff i'm like he's trying to distract me
00:58:48.920
like i literally act like a male nice try jezebel
00:58:51.440
i'm like why are you wearing your shirt so tight around yeah you're trying to distract me with your
0.99
00:58:57.140
big titties nice try ho it's not gonna work on me yeah like when you walk away your butt looks good
0.99
00:59:02.240
get out of my face temptation i'm not gonna fall for it but my dad raised me like like a boy and
0.98
00:59:09.320
that's it was and and he valued like like he never talked about my looks my dad it was always like
00:59:15.100
how hard are you working are you having good sports it's a beautiful thing it's beautiful and
00:59:18.800
not to be on a soapbox but that's why i do think women in sports is good because when you have
1.00
00:59:23.660
those years where your body starts changing and your hormones are raging if you could put some
00:59:28.000
confidence into sports and it's not just based on like our guys liking me because i was awkward as
00:59:33.980
fuck braces acne but i would go home and be like i won my match i feel good about myself yeah and
00:59:39.500
i was like these legs and this body is yeah i'm doing cool stuff hell yeah i think i i absolutely
0.99
00:59:45.140
am such a proponent of that too and it's also building confidence like you said in skills like
00:59:49.860
things that like make you unique make you special like it's like highlighting all the wonderful
00:59:54.600
things about you that have nothing to do with your looks which i've talked about that's like
00:59:58.440
because a lot of times and i know you get this question too is like how do you stay so confident
01:00:02.040
when you're like in a male-dominated industry when you like get harassed by men constantly
01:00:06.760
like online especially and i've always said like i mean obviously misogyny like relies heavily on
01:00:12.820
women putting a lot of their worth and value in their looks and they just kind of assume that all
01:00:17.760
women will be so deeply offended if you call them fat and ugly like they just automatically assume
1.00
01:00:22.500
that's the meanest thing you could ever say um as a very as as an actual mean bitch that's not
1.00
01:00:27.240
the meanest thing you could ever say i can speak confidently to that you go it's uncreative yeah
0.99
01:00:30.780
that's actually so low lift it's not even funny um you guys need to get your fucking money up in
0.94
01:00:35.860
that regard um but i i've said before too i'm like my confidence other than the fact that that's a
0.98
01:00:40.960
lie like ugly you're tripping fat depends on who you ask like i'm a big fat fatty compared to some
01:00:45.180
people and some people i'm not so it really just depends it's all relative right and so like
0.98
01:00:49.380
with that i've like said before too also my confidence does it all of my confidence comes
01:00:55.000
from things that you cannot physically see on me so like it's like everything that i pull
01:00:59.440
and derive my confidence from it are things you can't see and that's why it's never i've been i'm
01:01:04.380
like you see my hand it's not shaking that's how i feel about men i also think like it doesn't
01:01:10.500
matter what you look like how someone carries themselves like you know when someone walks in
01:01:15.200
a room and like you said you're like they got it yeah they got the sauce yeah and the sauce is not
01:01:20.780
the size of your nose no for real the color of your skin right like the sauce is like oh i get
01:01:25.840
shivers from someone yeah it's like it's literally like you like it's like that's what that's why i
01:01:29.840
always say like confidence that you and i have is like easily accessible to everyone it's it's you
01:01:34.620
just have to give yourself permission like i did a long time ago so that's why i believe i'm the
01:01:39.300
most awesome at no detraction of anyone else it's just like i think every woman is awesome and not
01:01:43.820
to talk about our inner child but like you know when you see a seven-year-old who like doesn't
0.93
01:01:47.080
give a fuck yeah like remember who you were when you were seven you didn't care what boys thought
0.97
01:01:52.100
you knew what you like to do for fun yeah for real you showed up at class and you're like let's go
1.00
01:01:56.720
yeah you were so confident about it that's what i think like your 20s is like figuring out who you
0.96
01:02:01.000
are in your 30s you're like oh it's who i was i just have to deconstruct all the bullshit and
01:02:05.980
you're walking in it that people put on to me 100 period oh my gosh we would be so good on a panel
01:02:12.200
by the way put us on a panel put us on a panel you love a panel don't you i do love a panel i love a
01:02:18.260
they love me on a panel honestly oh also i just want to add that's why some of us let's work on
01:02:24.000
our personalities right let's work on our personalities and i think shout out to like
01:02:27.820
your pod and a lot of these like hilarious pods out there that i think like helps people be like
01:02:32.160
oh conversation is important right being charming is important listening is important because you
01:02:37.740
ever leave a conversation with someone be like wow that was incredible like good chat you know
01:02:42.140
in like ireland yeah it's about the chat yeah it's about it's about the vibe learn how to roast
0.98
01:02:47.380
someone with confidence and beauty and grace like girls are working on when it's not their fault
0.99
01:02:53.780
it's the fucking patriarchy but you're working on your pores you're working on your cuticles
0.99
01:02:57.780
you're working on the size of your nostrils no yeah let's work on our personalities yeah
1.00
01:03:02.540
men as well yeah for real they they especially i was like man men are so uninteresting it's not
01:03:07.560
even funny they need some classes literally my we joke about this all the time with my friends but
01:03:11.740
like our friend ian he calls uh people punishers which are like when they come up and they talk to
01:03:18.100
you and they have no conversation skill they have no personality and it's like that's how i feel
01:03:23.080
about a lot of awful men when they come to like harass me at that point doesn't feel like
01:03:27.580
conversation feels like harassment but he's like he literally calls them punishers he's like you're
01:03:31.860
punishing me you're punishing me in this conversation well our our life we have to do so
01:03:36.660
much small talk with so many different people and then like like the fame stuff the influencer stuff
0.54
01:03:41.620
like the energies get fucking weird oh my god in those parties you talk to famous people and you're
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like have you ever spoken to another human ever sometimes i talk to famous people and i'm like
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holy fuck holy fuck has anyone ever have you ever asked a question i've never i leave and i'm like
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that was me that was definitely me i'm like am i fucking awful or was i just talking a million
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but then you talk to your friend and you're like we're normal yeah let's add a little mercy laugh
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every now and then like let's move the story oh my some of it's brutal some of it's really bad
01:04:12.840
and like honestly like i i'm shocked when i meet like and you i know you've met a ton like a list
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don't point at me like that yeah i know i know you have i know you have though because you i know
01:04:23.040
you've had these interactions because you've met a lot of a list talent so have i where like
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sometimes i'm like oh god god help you if you ever go on a podcast like oh my fucking god i was like
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if you are ever on a podcast i hope your team cuts it up a million ways there's a reason these
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people don't do hour-long podcast which is aussie smart good for them yeah honestly stay
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know your strengths honestly and i'll tell you this story i have told it on here before but i've
01:04:47.660
never obviously i've never said who it is but it's about so he one time i i heard this girl say like
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because i asked i was like i might have seen him as something i didn't end up seeing him
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but like they were like if you do talk to him right do not ask anything outside of these two
01:05:03.740
questions and the two questions were like how do you feel and um what do you like about it like
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that was it like they were very like three words max like very easy so then when i get to the event
01:05:15.020
i'm like you know obviously one of the best parts of this industry is talking to people behind the
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scenes and being like so who do we love who do we hate it's my favorite that's one of my favorite
01:05:22.220
the makeup artist oh my god it's like the gossip i'm like is she a monster yeah i'm like who's the
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meanest person you've ever fucking talked to like i love asking people that and so like i was like
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sleuthing i'm like asking around i'm like so what's his deal like what is that because i've
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also heard through the grapevine that he's misogynistic but i've never confirmed that
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so i was like what is this you can never do misogynistic that's crazy that's crazy that
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doesn't support the patriarchy so i literally was like who i was like why well you know because
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they edited my stuff down and then they told me do not ask him anything outside of this and then
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she goes i was like is that because he's like is he fucked up or what and she goes no i think it's
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because he's fucking stupid that was a verbatim quote she said fucking stupid i laughed so hard
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i said girl what are you talking about and she said that he literally does not like improv he
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doesn't like pivots he doesn't he doesn't like anything fun when he gets questions girl when he
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by the way this is a beautiful man you're talking about that girls are jerking off to every night
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continue girl he literally when he goes on appearances like big shows whatever they give
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him everything in advance they write answers out he memorizes them like lines he's a robot
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i think someone puts a big key in his back and churns it wait when you said he doesn't like
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pivots that's the funniest thing i've ever heard imagine you're like you gotta stick to where it's
01:06:43.420
going if i have adhd in normal human conversation i pivot mid-word we haven't finished one thing
01:06:51.120
we brought up on this pod no for real not one nothing has been figured out not one we started
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everything i literally couldn't believe it i was like no way and then he's like no he's a dumb
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bitch like the problem though because then not that i ever watched his stuff like i'm like it's
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not like ruining the art for me no me too but um yeah never crossed my desk but it's like sometimes
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you meet someone and you can't appreciate the tv shows anymore because you know like the person
01:07:15.940
behind it same with comedy like you meet some comics and you're like that's not funny anymore
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yeah like unfortunately i saw behind the curtains damn it that sucks damn it but yeah but then some
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people you meet and you're like holy shit they're better than i thought or you're like thank god
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thank god thank god they're awesome i had a feeling thank god i need it but it's it's real
01:07:34.940
i feel like people they say fame either like makes just exasperates i don't know if that's
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the word just like you're more of what you were if you're an asshole you become a supreme i agree
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if you're great then you could become like an angel yeah i literally told one of my friends
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01:07:49.160
recently that i'm like i really do think to make it to a certain level you either have to be the
01:07:53.380
best person ever or the worst person i've ever fucking met because every really famous person
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i've ever met is one or the other there's no in between and i think it's because you'll get
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squeezed out you'll get choked out and i think because like normal people who are actually just
01:08:07.260
like they are living content with living good nice lives i agree instead of putting himself
01:08:14.220
through the chaos yeah exactly trying to be famous so it's only the strong or the evil survive
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that's all that survives in hollywood like you're the strong as fuck or you're evil those are the
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01:08:24.680
only two ways you get it and it's true like i was like it's so true because everyone i've met is
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either awesome or i'm like i hope i never cross paths with you ever again like you're awful
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and anyone in your circle sounds awful too like it's so and i take that shit so serious
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and it feels like high school low-key because we like you talk to one person they all know
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each other everybody knows everybody yes it's so strange yes but i do have more fun facts for you
01:08:48.200
oh yeah sorry i was trying to distract you oh this one this one says you used to be
01:08:51.940
community relations intern for the brooklyn nets was that it's so bad to your dad
01:08:57.340
well the the nets we the knicks suck so bad but like um the nets became brooklyn and i'm from
01:09:05.080
brooklyn whatever but yeah that was a really fun that was a fun job it was cool i i shout out to
01:09:09.960
the nets i love the nba they're fun to work with oh yeah you do stuff yeah i love that got me so
01:09:16.260
excited when i saw that because again love women and male dummy fields oh my god i know when they
0.99
01:09:20.540
were like why the fuck would you pick her i'll tell you why there's women on that team that's
1.00
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why women on that team were like you want women to tune in you got to pick the one have you ever
1.00
01:09:29.500
been to a liberty game or like no i haven't i want to so bad though it's like being in a gay club
0.60
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like well liberty has ellie which who's like the amazing i love ellie the elephant she's fully i
0.62
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think she should win drag race like there's something going on but like it's all for um
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not through the male gaze so it's crazy to see the whole the whole performance of it all like
01:09:50.300
they had these like 85 year old dancers come out and the whole thing i was like oh wait so much
01:09:55.480
for like what do we think the average 45 year old guy wants to see that's true that's what the nba
01:10:00.180
is the wmba they were like let's have fun girlies let's do whatever we want let's talk about our
01:10:05.140
feelings let's watch some basketball yeah so you have to go to wmb oh my god i'm so excited i went
01:10:09.900
to their all-star game oh that was years ago in arizona that was fucking awesome yeah um okay
01:10:15.440
this one says you got appendicitis in 2020 while filming an episode of bravo's chat room
01:10:20.240
oh my god Hannah that what happened to you there was okay so my first like talk show gig was this
01:10:28.460
show virtual show during COVID yeah I did it in my mom's kitchen like on a toaster oven
01:10:33.140
and like it was with Portia Williams Giselle Bryant Kate Chastain so much fun yeah I started
01:10:38.900
like a feeling of burning in my stomach which look I have stomach problems like if I had a nickel
01:10:44.460
right the amount of times I'd be like there's burning in my stomach and it's my fault I had
01:10:48.300
i ate something i shouldn't have eaten yeah but it was like burning and i remember like unzipping
01:10:52.780
my pants at one point being like oh my god this is bad this is bad and my mom is like type a yeah
01:10:58.480
so i look at her i'm like 29 30 years old at this point we finished the episode and i'm like i think
01:11:04.520
i have to lie down my stomach is burning and she goes i read about this it's appendicitis we gotta
01:11:08.620
take you to the hospital like that like you know a mom that's anxious but like for the perfect
01:11:13.320
reason yeah yeah like if she wasn't a psychopath and had been like searching all the ways her kid
0.85
01:11:17.880
could die she never would have been able to diagnose you and it also sucks because it validates
0.99
01:11:23.580
them doing that shit yeah my mom's like that too so my mom will keep doing it and i'm like then
0.99
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she's like well i was right i'm like right but you still shouldn't she's like i don't like the
0.99
01:11:31.300
shade of your gum i think you gotta go to the hospital yeah you have something she's the one
01:11:36.200
who texts me just being like everyone is dying in you know maine because of a lettuce disease
01:11:40.660
right like i know you're in new york but it's coming down to you soon so don't eat salads for
01:11:45.320
the next eight months i was like i wasn't going to appreciate it so hey don't worry about that
01:11:49.480
with me okay last one it says the first time you ever saw your husband was when he got up and did
01:11:54.500
a stand-up set at the comedy cellar oh that actually is kind of a cute meet cute rom-com
01:11:59.060
that is cute i was like doing sales i was just a fan i never thought i would be a stand-up comic
01:12:03.800
yeah and i was just a fan with my co-workers and this guy got up and he's from queens new york
01:12:09.440
originally and he was funny and he said he lived in ireland and i was like oh i guess i'll never
01:12:13.780
yeah marry that guy yeah and i never saw him i just thought he was hot and i followed him and
01:12:17.300
then like five years later he saw me in the background of a nikki glazer instagram story
01:12:22.520
and followed me shout out nikki cousin love connection i do love nikki we love her we love
01:12:29.180
i mean she really held my hand at the beginning like she's amazing but um and then i i was like
01:12:35.900
on dating apps but he was above my age range but i was also crazy back then i was like my age range
01:12:42.080
was like up to 35 girls get it up girl get it up we want these experienced tired men
01:12:48.880
these young men right no girl don't even so they're just discovering looks maxing which is
01:12:56.100
them discovering that being beautiful works yeah we've been on that tip so i i've known that for
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01:13:01.980
a fucking while any guy looks maxing is coming out to you right like it's it's genuinely like a
01:13:07.740
so man just discovered like pretty privilege but i do love using men's insecurities of their looks
0.99
01:13:14.340
to like monetize them oh you're telling me that's my whole platform sell him some fancy lotions
01:13:18.440
right no enough with the three-in-one conditioners like let's get every single part like right they're
01:13:24.080
too busy giving tips to women about things to fix like maybe you should look in-house true make sure
01:13:28.560
their own house is in order true true so yeah i um we ended up getting together even though i met
01:13:36.220
him four years later after that that's crazy but it was just doing research yeah just spotting
01:13:40.480
stuff early and the universe was like you're not ready yet yeah that's a good point i had work to
01:13:45.800
do on myself first and look at you we tried you saw him on that stage you said i'm gonna get i'm
01:13:50.340
gonna take that job match made in heaven i go he's gonna have to watch me do stand up
0.99
01:13:56.020
i'm gonna reverse that hoe i'm gonna ruin his life yeah i hope he's having fun for now yeah
0.99
01:14:03.360
enjoy your last few moments of joy well did you enjoy the fun facts were they fun that was so
0.99
01:14:08.680
fun oh my god i'm so glad i was amanda lives to see her job another day oh my god amanda good job
01:14:13.540
you killed it my last question for you for if you have any advice for any women who maybe want to
01:14:19.960
get into stand-up especially or even podcasting or even tennis yeah if there is someone who really
01:14:25.660
wants to get into entertainment and they want to like pursue it like what advice do you have for
01:14:30.000
that my advice is that be that x factor be yourself I think my stand-up connected with
01:14:38.520
people because I wasn't like watching what other people were doing I was just trying to like
01:14:43.200
focus on my stuff and I think when people are like you're unique you have your own voice no
01:14:48.100
no you're just being yourself and there's no one like you right so if you're sitting there being
01:14:51.680
like I'm not as good as that person or that person that person you're not those people
01:14:54.740
right you're you and your voice should be heard yeah so speak from your heart speak from your
01:14:58.820
stories and get out there and everyone's always nervous about like doing bad or bombing I'm like
01:15:05.240
the funniest part is when you say something that no one laughs then you're like oh that's where
01:15:08.540
you guys that's where you put like that's the funniest part where I'm like oh that's when we
01:15:12.300
got tight when I brought up my grandpa okay like just be honest everybody has standards of comedy
01:15:18.080
yes I was joking about poo poo for a second y'all were cracking up yes and I always think like I
01:15:23.360
know it's scary but you know it's scarier not going for what you want right or even ever finding
01:15:27.660
out it's true and i honestly think a lot of the times it's the fear of being perceived that with
01:15:33.000
like holds people back from even pursuing art forms like like stand up for example let's just
01:15:38.320
say you're being perceived regardless you might as well you might as well make money yeah right
01:15:42.840
maybe get a few yucks here and there maybe make some people laugh yeah being perceived makes you
01:15:47.660
feel alive right and everyone's just projecting their experiences onto you so it's cool right
01:15:52.460
and what people think about you like whatever you say sticks onto you and stick me that's the
01:15:58.360
quote and what people think about me is none of my business i was like that's for y'all not for me
01:16:02.920
period hulu january 5th none of my business let's go thank you so much for coming on the show
01:16:09.480
this was so much fun i love you too you're the best you're gonna punch a man now yeah and now
0.92
01:16:14.420
i'm now i'm getting now i'm mad at my husband now i'm gonna homewreck your home and then you're
0.64
01:16:20.400
gonna marry me for real but uh for everyone that the two people that maybe don't know uh where can
0.72
01:16:28.300
they find you and your special oh hannah burner and hulu is my second special yeah none of my
01:16:34.620
business and netflix was my first one look at you knocking them down one by one and you have a
01:16:40.860
podcast yes with page squad yeah squad um we love to giggle like drew amazing yeah and they do be
01:16:48.500
making me giggle oh thank you i'll be making me giggle i love it a lot to me thank you likewise
01:16:52.900
that i make you giggle period thank you all so much for tuning into this episode of the comment
01:16:56.820
section thank you so much to my amazing guest hannah burner you all already know who she is
01:17:00.440
and you all already follow her but if you don't make sure you do and you check out her new special
01:17:04.340
on hulu very exciting uh and thank you so much for tuning in don't forget new episodes of the
01:17:09.260
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