The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - WHO WOULD YOU SHIFT WITH？ Ft. Chris Fleming

00:00:00.000 well you tell me where you would want to ship first i keep thinking of goofy

00:00:02.880 from uh a goofy movie and i just wanted to tell him get your shit together

00:00:07.600 you're all you can't keep doing his ears

00:00:10.080 pull it together your son's out of control

00:00:17.940 hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show sorry me your fave

00:00:29.360 who cares about me on to the guests today we have my favorite episode personally the iconic the

00:00:35.080 hilarious chris fleming and it's halloween season and it is it's spooky season and i didn't want to

00:00:43.480 mention it just so it's a surprise so they saw you this episode is presented to you by ebay we all

00:00:49.520 have that piece you know the one the thing that's so you you've basically become known for it and if

00:00:55.260 you don't have yours yet you'll find it on ebay let me put you on team ebay is where you'll find

00:01:01.300 those one-of-a-kind can't stop researching stay up dreaming about pieces again and again i'm talking

00:01:07.360 that muu muu off the runway red leather bomber the custo barcelona top with the cowboy on it

00:01:13.400 or that patagonia fleece in the 2017 colorway all these finds are on ebay and they even offer millions

00:01:20.320 of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee ebay is the place for pre-loved and

00:01:25.800 vintage fashion ebay things people love and drew's drew's crew is scurrying around getting drew ready

00:01:33.080 for with this like it was a big this outfit and while it is amazing i was expecting something

00:01:39.240 quite outlandish and this for all this

00:01:44.200 and then to reveal it's drew in the mona lisa they were kind of doing that about you with me

00:01:52.640 so i thought you came dressed up and they were keeping it as a secret no and i might not come

00:01:56.800 my reading comprehension is in decline and so the email it did i reread it it did ask me to oh

00:02:04.000 and i was thinking could i say i'm like dressed like amy sherman paladino or something or a christmas

00:02:10.660 elf this is or like girl interrupted or you're tim allen from the first santa claus that's so

00:02:16.320 specific did he wear this he wore a lot of sweaters oh because this does look like it has the illusion

00:02:22.080 right layers exactly yeah well it worked out because we found the perfect costume for you which

00:02:27.640 is the helmet i'm dressed like the uh inventor of the kegel dr sue kegel but the helmet is katy perry

00:02:36.140 in space oh yeah this was gifted to me moments before sitting now it's stuck on your head yeah now

00:02:42.420 i'm jammed in and it's yours forever yeah no i like it now you can go to space with gail

00:02:47.080 yeah oh i was supposed to reveal they asked me to reveal slowly to camera that it's me

00:02:52.900 yeah well i'm excited to have you back how have you been oh i've been good how you been

00:02:59.260 i've been good even the state of the world this is kind of how i'm feeling i'd think

00:03:03.660 like the mona lisa yeah just trapped smiling a little yeah smiling a little grinning and bearing

00:03:09.560 it yeah that's kind of where my vibes are yeah yeah what about yours um yeah my state of the world

00:03:16.780 is more um the mona water lilies i'm the i'm the water i'm i'm those okay that's where i'm at right

00:03:25.920 now kind of like right existing as a beautiful enigma if you stand far enough away yeah right

00:03:33.660 yeah but when you get closer you're kind of like oh that's how we did this

00:03:36.920 you ever do the magic guy where you're supposed to make your eyes go like that and then you

00:03:41.820 see something no yeah what's that like you're like manifestation or literally no it's like it's

00:03:48.380 like different it's like different patterns and you're supposed to like fuck up your eyes and then

00:03:52.900 you see like some some message and the and the the inventor's daughter went to my elementary school

00:03:59.780 okay which could have been a lie right right okay we just kind of believed it but i could never do

00:04:08.140 it so specific that how could you lie about that you know what i mean well that's pre-ask jeeves you

00:04:13.460 could you could get away with i love manslaughter oh yeah i thought it was the smartest web search

00:04:19.280 engine i'd ever seen it knew three things total where am i is it still around is he still around

00:04:27.540 i don't think so yeah i think no yeah do you like magic i won't seek it out but if you drag me there

00:04:34.620 like i was telling you i'm easily manipulate i will be i'll be i'll love it i'm in yeah no

00:04:40.220 matter what oh yeah you'll suspend disbelief you take me anywhere i'll enjoy it that's my problem

00:04:44.620 i'll talk so much shit until i'm there and then i'm weeping and then you're just having the time

00:04:49.560 of your life i'm just totally i'm like a girl at a music festival i'm feeling exactly what you want

00:04:54.860 me to feel when girl who's gonna be okay yeah every time you see anything i'm just curious you seem

00:04:59.260 like you'd be into magic oh my god no i'm into trickery i'm into mischief not magic right that's

00:05:07.600 true that's true well you just give me a real mystical energy that's what makes me think about

00:05:11.360 it good and i just turned 30 last week oh my god right that was the first time i exhaled 30

00:05:17.140 the first time i was truly bouncing around like tigger my whole life

00:05:20.940 on my ass no tail no yeah exactly gosh gosh gosh and then pissing everybody off

00:05:29.060 hey hey hey slow down enough put the bouncing at parties i would make someone laugh and then be

00:05:35.500 like i'm out of here my friend jared be like oh chris man you just got a laughing man stick around

00:05:42.840 can't have more people to make laugh yeah yeah and then i go home and sleep

00:05:47.220 and on a big laugh that was my training you and me both so so wait so 30 how do you feel

00:05:52.560 honestly i feel really great i feel like i've been 30 forever so i was just kind of glad to

00:05:58.260 stop saying 29 i was really sick of it i started i quit saying 29 months ago like when people would

00:06:03.260 ask me oh spooky yeah it's okay oh my god do we have is this kind of like an escape do they have

00:06:11.280 levers and stuff are they gonna keep room they're gonna keep doing this to us because i can only take

00:06:16.020 one more of those before i'm out just so everyone knows that's one yeah that's one that's my grainy

00:06:21.440 paintings are only so thick i get scared so easy yeah a few months ago i quit saying 29 i just

00:06:29.180 started saying 30 because i was just over it 29 is stressful yeah it's 29 and then 30 yeah exactly

00:06:39.260 now i get to be i'm 30 like i'm youngest in my 30s now i'm claiming new territory and i feel like you've

00:06:44.760 made every list every 30 every under 30 under under the wire too i made most of them at 29 so

00:06:51.160 yeah they really i really got in there under the wire there was a period where you were on one of

00:06:56.100 those i think day like it was it was a different you know what's funny is i got one today which one

00:07:02.020 oh you mashable fashionable mashable mash it was like top 25 creators something like that yeah you

00:07:08.380 did made another one what number uh i don't know if they numbered me they put me under a category

00:07:13.000 of just content creator so beautiful there you go beautiful just chilling there you know oh my god

00:07:18.120 are you gonna post it to grid maybe what are you waiting for i'm like uh another list yeah yeah i was

00:07:25.220 i was sitting on those lists for a minute but when we did my 30th birthday like my friends and family

00:07:30.320 surprised me with like we just like went to a house like relax my idea of like a perfect birthday

00:07:35.480 is doing absolutely fucking nothing nothing laying horizontal yeah maybe reading my kindle yep eating

00:07:41.400 everything in the community is canceled i want i want no one i wanted people to observe it like

00:07:46.180 a moment of silence yeah but i don't want the attention same i want people i don't i hate seeing

00:07:52.680 something scheduled when i see like a furniture sale it says january 29th i'm like but i don't want you

00:07:57.940 talking i don't want like right you addressing exactly i want to be sitting in peace i know i said the

00:08:04.380 same thing i was like i don't want anything that's gonna draw more attention to me in any way i don't

00:08:08.840 want to be the center of anything yeah i just want to do nothing because it's uncontrolled

00:08:12.880 attention right that's why i'm so afraid of a wedding like my own like like you getting married

00:08:18.100 people just people just kind of peering that's actually so true because i'm getting married next

00:08:23.220 year oh my god and i and you're not invited i'm sorry no no i get it i would do something

00:08:28.980 i would actually love to have you there i started a rumor at my cousin's wedding that the wedding

00:08:34.020 planner had a piece on her she was just like she was really organized and i was like and i think i

00:08:42.080 said the priest also was packing and so yeah i just start rumors different kind of packing or a gun

00:08:47.840 no no truly like okay like an ankle an ankle holster yeah right have to have to yeah i mean why not

00:08:53.200 at a wedding that's the place to start it rumor mill yeah and you're all i heard it from someone at

00:08:57.460 the bar you can just put pin it on anybody yeah i get devilish at weddings yeah when you get real

00:09:03.440 you get real mischievous at a wedding i get sneaky well in planning my wedding i think like a month or

00:09:10.180 two ago i was like thinking about place settings and i was like yeah that makes me want to die

00:09:14.700 like having a traditional like like a huge wedding kind of thing because i was thinking it's really

00:09:21.340 embarrassing to have people watch you get married like everyone's just staring like what you were just

00:09:25.500 saying oh yeah i was feeling the same way i was like so like a hundred people are just gonna be

00:09:29.720 looking at me get married that's embarrassing and the difference of generations seeing you through

00:09:34.360 their lens it's it's like too much for me to take right and like you're neutral kind of like

00:09:40.240 you know your little paul dano smile which is so tense because you can't just you can't be truly

00:09:48.700 neutral with all those eyes on you you got to be like somewhere in the middle yeah it's like a

00:09:52.860 performance of some kind but you can't speak it's a silent film because you're not allowed

00:09:57.720 people speak on your behalf and you just you kind of yeah the only thing you say is i do i guess and

00:10:02.460 the eyes on you in the dance floor they're gonna be way too encouraging of anything you do as the

00:10:06.740 bride well and also yeah they're gonna enable me honestly okay bad for me it's like agents yeah

00:10:14.120 exactly how they have to laugh right i get i go nuts on that you can say something that's not

00:10:20.720 recognize his humor in any culture and they're like ah that's so true it's so good sometimes when

00:10:26.500 you're like okay relax that part that joke wasn't that funny that i told that does give me fuel for

00:10:32.340 the next though because they know i got to get the engine started yeah you need a little bit you got

00:10:38.460 a feature i gotta be invited in otherwise i'm a vampire so then you can go nuts once you get in

00:10:45.220 there can you hear me through this helmet yes we can yes yes exactly well at my 30th birthday they

00:10:53.900 actually hired a magician to come okay because i think magic is fun yeah um yeah he he identified as

00:11:02.060 a mentalist way better right oh he's still in there those guys it's working oh my god i know

00:11:10.500 very male dominated field yeah why is that i've never met a she mentalist she her mentalist yeah

00:11:18.720 you know what me either you know why because only a man would be that confident that they could get

00:11:24.600 in someone's head oh totally only a man would be that arrogant every woman is a mentalist she's just

00:11:28.680 keeping it to herself yeah she's not trying to commodify it she's not standing on a 250 cap stage

00:11:34.220 in a strip mall wearing a horrible short sleeve button-up i know he kind of looked like um car

00:11:42.700 salesman like he had like a blazer and like yeah but what's funny is like when we got what came all

00:11:46.920 into the room he was like saying first of all he was 30 minutes early and they're gonna say he's 30

00:11:51.980 and if he was 30 no they better be 50 at least no he was like yeah he was late 40s early 50s thank god

00:11:57.080 yeah yeah i can't be a young mentalist a peer mentalist i don't i don't want to get near that

00:12:02.780 oh my god thanks no no way the mentalist has to be old enough to drive a car at the least he

00:12:08.460 needs to have been around for a little bit of reagan

00:12:12.360 like the tail end of reagan yeah yeah you had to be a fully formed adult during clinton

00:12:21.120 at the very least oh yeah did you like clinton back in the day back in the day when i was like

00:12:27.220 i don't even know how old sure why not i i heard that he can memorize every 10 000 names so i was

00:12:33.320 like i gotta remember everyone's name bill clinton i love bill clinton well you know what if i became

00:12:38.660 the leader of the free world i just start saying shit too i'm like me me i can memorize a thousand

00:12:43.620 countries and then just nobody asked me to do it because i'll get nervous i can remember four

00:12:47.940 countries sorry keep going so the mentalist is there oh yeah so we had the mentalist there yeah

00:12:53.720 he was great um in the beginning though he was we were like we always like play background music to

00:13:00.040 some extent you know so it's not awkwardly quiet and when we were we were like oh we'll put on some

00:13:05.120 music he goes no no music it's a distraction oh and we were like oh okay and then we were sitting

00:13:10.360 in silence just waiting chilling silence yeah waiting for everyone to come into the room and to the

00:13:15.020 point where i text my sister because she was the last one and i was like dude hurry up it's weird

00:13:18.600 out here and then she finally came and then he did his tricks and everything and he was good like it

00:13:24.260 was we were all like whoa about certain ones and we're a really captive audience like me and my family

00:13:30.260 like we're the best audience to have for shit like that like if your kid wants to show a talent like

00:13:34.200 my family's the person to do it in front of oh totally we'll be cheering them on and acting like

00:13:37.880 it's the best thing we've ever seen like oh yeah even if it's not but we will be making jokes and

00:13:42.160 that is a caveat i do have to add so while he's performing you are like workshopping a bit you're

00:13:48.460 riffing maybe yeah sometimes well we were letting him do his jokes but then there was one part he's

00:13:52.980 like write down a place you've always wanted to go and my sister was like write down your mom's house

00:13:58.940 and we like couldn't stop laughing like we were like like i wrote your inviting this man into your

00:14:04.560 house and hitting him with your mom's house yeah and then we're we we were giggling we didn't tell

00:14:09.900 him the joke like we were just laughing about it but he knew yeah and then he got like almost

00:14:15.580 nervous and so he like forgot some of the trick and then like one of my cousins was there and he

00:14:21.160 was like what did i just ask you and then he goes i i don't remember like it just got like awkward

00:14:26.640 and uncomfortable and i was like okay if you're gonna be a magician in your 50s you gotta learn how

00:14:32.240 to hear giggling you you can't get shaken by giggling you don't think it was the fact that he knew

00:14:36.740 you wrote down your mom's house i didn't though i started screaming in his head i started writing

00:14:41.980 that and then i wrote ireland instead okay okay so i did change it yeah but we were just giggling

00:14:48.680 do you think the 29 year old would have written your mama's house that's the difference between

00:14:53.740 29 and 30 a 30 30 year old woman they want to go to ireland they want the cliffs they want the cliffs of

00:14:59.920 dover well you know what i invited a magician to my 30th birthday so i think i can make a joke about

00:15:06.540 your mom's house sure totally sure why not totally and then like his very last trick was i i don't

00:15:13.600 remember the build-up but he was i remember he was saying shout out places you want to go to right

00:15:18.680 like any places you want to go to and so there was probably like nine of us so we were like i don't

00:15:24.640 know like people were like ireland the uk like just saying random places yeah we all said at least

00:15:30.820 one place right um my brother at one point goes the shans elize and then we all started laughing and

00:15:37.020 then that that threw him off too like i was like dog come on man like that wasn't even about you

00:15:42.200 was it that pitch too that tone yeah he said it exactly like that you have no idea how much i

00:15:47.180 nailed that impression i wish you were there when he said it no that felt true exactly like that

00:15:52.720 it sounds like an eighth grader sucking up yeah you're telling me

00:15:57.680 that's part of the reason why we laughed okay yeah okay he wasn't going for laughs he was no he

00:16:03.340 wasn't he was being very serious he was offering that in earnest and that's what made it

00:16:07.380 wow we were like saying all these places and then yeah at a certain point like when you're saying give

00:16:15.260 me a place there's only a handful of you we've all set a place yeah you're you're struggling to keep

00:16:20.380 yeah yeah and then he kept going more more more and we were like i was getting nervous so we're

00:16:26.300 like jakarta madagascar um kazakhstan yeah like we started getting nervous because he was going more

00:16:34.700 more more more yeah and then he finally like had someone uh read he had my fiancee read the names that

00:16:41.600 he had written down like of the countries or places and then he had me shaking a dice to like cross out

00:16:47.140 certain places and the last one was he wrote on there as the number two option hawaii which i know

00:16:53.900 for a fucking fact none of us said because we've all been there hundreds of thousands of times you're

00:16:59.500 bored by hawaii yeah yeah like well and like we're from there so like i was like we wouldn't say the

00:17:04.280 place we've been and i'm from like and he said uh like he was like okay cross iceland off cross this off

00:17:11.040 so then the last one left was hawaii which i know nobody said and then he goes well that's perfect i'm

00:17:16.840 already dressed rips open his thing and he has an aloha shirt like like a button down like like

00:17:22.220 flower like an aloha shirt a hawaiian shirt he just well that's perfect i'm dressed and then it rips

00:17:27.200 open the button up like superman and then he has that aloha shirt on and we were like whoa and then

00:17:33.080 he goes that's my time thanks guys and then he took his shinny left that is so dark that he just ends

00:17:38.820 every show on hawaii regardless and then i started thinking you already had the hawaiian shirt of course

00:17:44.140 and then you're hoping someone's gonna say hawaii he's not gonna have a like a location appropriate

00:17:49.380 outfit for like iceland yeah yeah a modest a mock turtleneck yeah like what do you pick for that

00:17:59.920 like that's well then he picks hawaii and he does that whole bit and i go i bet that killed if someone

00:18:04.760 said hawaii like oh obviously i know how you did the trick now because i know nobody said that but we

00:18:09.360 were both like we were like yay i guess it could i guess maybe like a full crocodile dundee outfit

00:18:15.040 for australia that would be funny but you couldn't reveal like a leather vest or if he was like i'll

00:18:19.860 go i'll be right back goes in the room and changes into it then i'm impressed because i'm like where

00:18:24.600 when did you put that outfit in there and how many did you bring yeah of every region but i do

00:18:30.180 recommend a mentalist i thought it was pretty fun yeah yeah it was a good time aside from that kind

00:18:34.980 of subpar aside from the flub at the end my flop of a joke my cousin's baby had a birthday party

00:18:42.500 where she had a magician recently a couple months ago not a 30 year old not a 30 no no but different

00:18:47.780 this was a magician named awesome rob and the reaction that these toddlers had they were like

00:18:55.840 like they were like oh they're like levitating they couldn't believe the shit that he was pulling

00:19:03.400 it was it was the most electric like energy out there oh yeah they were it was palpable what they

00:19:10.640 were feeling oh my god they were they were like falling back and like on the ground like

00:19:14.820 like eyes rolling back they started speaking in tongues yeah that's crazy it was crazy it was

00:19:21.380 blow in their mind i i went to um a game night thing once yeah for quest love and he had a

00:19:28.600 magician there but he was just in attendance he he does magic like for real yeah and seems like he

00:19:33.940 does too many things probably quest love yeah he's got his finger in a lot of pies yeah he does a lot

00:19:39.020 of things drummers gotta stay busy yeah they gotta they do all these different yeah okay they have a

00:19:45.320 lot going on yeah so he has a magic yeah so it was just a dude at the party and he like sat next to us

00:19:50.720 and was like oh how do you guys know quest and i was like oh he published my book and i was like what

00:19:55.080 about you and he's like oh um he comes to my shows and i was like oh cool what do you do and he's like

00:20:00.480 i do magic and i go really and he goes yeah uh he tells me like jimmy fallon came and he's a big fan

00:20:06.460 of my show so he brought quests and then like that's kind of how i met them and i was like nice nice you do

00:20:11.080 magic for famous people that's sick and then he goes yeah i've been doing it for a while and he was

00:20:15.320 pretty young i think he was like mid 30s and i wish to god i remembered his name but like he started

00:20:21.080 doing tricks i was those toddlers yeah yeah with he was my awesome rob yeah quest was gonna show up

00:20:27.060 with a good magician right when i saw he was doing shit that i was like what the fuck yeah like i was

00:20:32.260 literally being mind blown i was like oh my god do you think they tell like their significant others

00:20:37.840 how they do the tricks like they might know they gotta tell someone yeah i would i'd violate an

00:20:43.800 nda easy i would need to know if i saw like i if i i would need to know if i was at a party with

00:20:49.380 them i'd be like hey come on it's me hey it's chris from before i like that jimmy fallon and

00:20:59.320 quest love hang out i get i always got the impression that there was a group chat that was

00:21:02.920 being left that one of them is left at the roots at the roots is like we're going to bed early jimmy

00:21:07.680 they're like uh what are you guys hanging out after and they're like what do you mean i just saw

00:21:14.300 you guys oh um we you guys just got an uber it's not really a group thing it's kind of like yeah

00:21:21.420 yeah it's like you wouldn't like it yeah i love you man i have only seen that in like

00:21:29.200 planned parenthoods or dmds it's a good movie without audio or like the emergency vet

00:21:35.900 oh the emergency vet right right they're always just blasting it yeah that's like my theory where

00:21:41.780 i think the cast changes i think sometimes it's kevin james and then sometimes it's

00:21:46.160 i think one time it was patten oswald i love you man yeah i think those movies sometimes there's

00:21:51.960 this kind of like let's put in a different they'll never know yeah they'll never know just swap them

00:21:56.980 out yeah yeah i mean that would make sense i wouldn't know no like middle-aged white dudes

00:22:02.120 i'm like yeah that's probably totally i'm sure that's paul rudd i'm paul rudd's probably in it

00:22:05.980 i think yeah last i checked yeah have you had him on no have i had paul rudd on i don't know

00:22:13.160 i mean i know you don't watch the show chris but no i have no i do watch the show on spotify

00:22:19.840 on our favorite platform it shuts down the electricity in my house watching it on the app

00:22:25.480 that's how often i'm streaming that'll shake every every power light goes out on the street

00:22:31.280 to stream this visually on spotify no i actually had a meeting with spotify once where they were

00:22:38.200 telling me just like the show's doing great whatever and they were telling me yeah your guests

00:22:42.240 like no pattern no like similar profession just throwing darts at us and they're like and they're

00:22:50.180 eating it up like it's so great like wow that's so i was like they're like you have all these fucking

00:22:55.860 weirdos and nobody cares they're all enjoying it it's like yeah pretty much yeah i'd say so

00:23:01.980 yeah you have a lot of nomadic types like myself yeah that's why i was like shifty characters yeah

00:23:07.360 with you i'm like that's for me yeah your episodes are for me and me alone yeah well me and caleb and

00:23:15.440 one woman who claims to astral project with me have i told you about her no i mean i don't want to

00:23:20.520 even get into that she's probably with i'm probably in the jade realm with her right now

00:23:24.080 she's just saying that about you oh yeah and sometimes she's pretty accurate about like how i am

00:23:31.340 she's like yeah she's like you she's leaving me these detailed notes of what i'm like when we're out

00:23:36.080 when she's astral projecting with me which is such a violation i didn't ask for that no

00:23:41.820 no you can't just well maybe that's the first female mentalist you've ever met oh maybe it's her

00:23:47.180 they're all they're all mentalists have you ever heard of shifting uh-oh people doing shifting no

00:23:52.880 is that that mormon thing no no no no what's shifting not i've seen it i've only seen people

00:24:01.020 talk about it on tiktok which would make sense because i think you need a certain level of brain

00:24:04.600 rot in order to access it but it's literally when they close their eyes and they like go like

00:24:10.580 almost like lucid dreaming yep but they like go into the dream willingly but they're always with

00:24:16.300 like fictional characters oh fuck or like boys specifically i've only ever seen women do it

00:24:21.440 with boys okay like so they're like oh i shifted and i was i shifted and i was dating like edward from

00:24:28.160 twilight and got it we went to the mall together and like and they recounted like it's like this is what

00:24:33.880 i did last night when i shifted which like in my head is like that's kind of just seems like

00:24:38.320 imagination but that's okay like whatever you want to call it it's like a there there's a new

00:24:42.660 term for daydreaming yeah right yeah exactly we're calling it shifting imagining right yeah children do

00:24:48.700 it it's good to foster the whimsy is it painful a little a little bit of blood comes out of the ear

00:24:53.160 their nose is bleeding yeah they look like that what's what's her name on stranger things oh yeah

00:24:57.940 11 yeah millie bobby yes yes who's 41 she's 41 now wow she grew up so quickly something happened

00:25:09.660 they're all older than us they went into the jade realm and came out older than us yes like the

00:25:15.020 closet yes they just came older than us what happened oh yeah yeah who's the guy with the mustache

00:25:20.320 remember they like we right when we completely forget about it that's when it drops again

00:25:25.100 who's the thick-thighed guy in charge what are you talking about oh david at bro yeah david something

00:25:32.520 oh um david mammoth the guy who's like harvard harvard harvard you are like papa do you remember that

00:25:38.680 that's from stranger things are you talking to me right now sorry i went somewhere for a second

00:25:44.820 yeah you shifted yeah i shifted for a second sorry it's it it's in stranger things like when

00:25:49.940 she's yelling at david what's his name i almost said oh i like saying i like putting the emphasis

00:25:53.680 on things stranger things stranger things yeah stranger things stranger things stranger things

00:25:58.560 because right it's supposed to be stranger things have happened who would you shift with if you could

00:26:02.740 shift if i could shift yeah we'll say it on the count of three i don't know wait does it have to be

00:26:07.180 imaginary person or does it have to be a real person uh what if we both said seinfeld uh

00:26:10.840 i wouldn't want to shift there that sounds miserable neither would i yeah well you tell

00:26:19.100 me where you would want to shift first so who i would get to hang out with yeah yeah like you go

00:26:23.040 into like you're like you're still you but you're in that universe i keep well you said you said

00:26:27.720 fictional i keep thinking of goofy from uh a goofy movie i would just be wanted to tell him get your

00:26:32.980 shit together you're all you can't keep doing his ears

00:26:36.480 pull it together

00:26:41.140 your son's out of control

00:26:44.340 he's delusional the ears are just a big part of it yeah that's me flapping

00:26:49.660 he doesn't listen to me so pissed at that's your crew had to whip the headphones

00:26:53.800 that sound biden outlawed that sound

00:26:57.820 especially when you're talking about goofy yeah well that's what that's what the ears would make

00:27:03.200 this could be this could be something else too yeah you're doing that yeah that far apart i saw

00:27:08.320 a basset on the street too that's probably why i thought that yeah i i literally went yeah out the

00:27:13.180 window like an older woman to the basset hound i went yeah it was this thing was this thing looked

00:27:20.280 like um you know when peter pan when they have nana played by like four guys in a suit

00:27:25.000 i i wasn't falling for it on the stage play yeah yeah the stage play yes i do know it was like

00:27:34.800 way too big for a basset hound this thing was like you know how basset hounds are just drooping

00:27:40.080 this thing was like it was like yeah it was way up it was way too perky way too perky a basset hound

00:27:46.040 and you went yeah yeah out the window nice i've been doing that more yeah the whimsy of life i almost

00:27:53.540 hit shyla buff with my car hello yeah i just slam on the brakes no no no okay okay you know when

00:28:01.620 you it's good you know when you see he had like a gray soul patch okay and it's like oh god he's

00:28:07.380 probably playing colonel mustard and something or something you know when you see an actor with a

00:28:11.080 new look you're like okay i'm gonna be great can't wait to see this soul patch let's hear it this

00:28:18.360 thing was like thick anyway so he runs out in front of my car i have to like slam i'm blasting

00:28:24.100 uptown girl of course you are like deafening yeah i have to slam on the brakes and i'm like oh shit

00:28:30.100 this is shy like he's going to kill me right this is this i think he he's probably killed a guy

00:28:34.760 i'm sure he like maimed himself for like a supporting role in something like i think he was

00:28:40.640 like basically background yeah he sat in that windowless room with a paper bag on his head he cried

00:28:44.720 no totally so whatever he's capable of i don't want to see the extent of so i'm like i'm fucked

00:28:50.020 like this is it for me and he's so pissed i can tell yeah but luckily he didn't he didn't register

00:28:56.380 that there was someone piloting he he looked he locked eyes with the headlights of my car like they

00:29:02.360 were like that was the face and he was just staring at the car and so i'm blasting uptown girl

00:29:08.320 and i'm too afraid to move it's just me and billy joel like jurassic park it's my car's like shaking

00:29:15.080 and try la buf's just staring my car down and then i luckily got out of there he yeah he kept moving

00:29:23.500 but by the skin of your teeth you live to tell the tale it's jurassic park out here i was just

00:29:28.180 oh do you think you would survive in jurassic park me yeah oh no no no i here's what i'd do

00:29:33.460 dig a hole and and just like kick it kick it you know they're not getting to you yeah

00:29:41.200 what if they step on you that's they're not going to because then they roll their ankle

00:29:47.340 do you think you would do you think you would survive jurassic park fuck no no no absolutely

00:29:53.300 not well i my thing is too like i would never go to that place yeah like if i heard about it i'd be

00:29:59.800 like you're nuts going to that place only the lawyer died right in which one you know i fall

00:30:06.020 asleep to that movie every night and i would i'm surprised you haven't shifted there then you should

00:30:11.200 you should try going there in your sleep oh i would shift with uh with with the guy in the white

00:30:16.100 the pan in the white suit who runs it oh yeah yeah yeah that guy's up to no good

00:30:20.020 the second you see him yeah oh jesus what's he making is it the original jurassic park yeah yeah

00:30:27.660 okay and i screenshot so like i wake up most most nights to the kids screaming and kicking

00:30:34.600 because it's very soothing the movie for the first hour sure it's fun yeah and then obviously

00:30:41.120 things go around tragedy strikes and it's typically when i wake up it's the kids

00:30:45.620 and you're like oh perfect my favorite part but then but the other night i made it to a point and i

00:30:52.100 i got a good screen grab of uh one of the raptors poking through the poking into the kitchen and he's

00:30:58.180 i think he's looking straight down the barrel and that's kind of like you yeah yeah a little bit

00:31:05.060 yeah yeah yeah the the neck movement similar oh and the legs yeah yeah and the way they how fast they

00:31:10.540 are the little soft shoe they do oh yeah they like making noises too little raptors they also make the

00:31:17.000 noise you ever get into tap tap like tap dance dance yeah no honestly i've never gotten to tap

00:31:24.280 that's that is my purpose to be a tap dancer just eventually or like i almost threw up yeah

00:31:29.360 or like in tandem with being a comic no no no no it's completely separate thing

00:31:38.400 completely very serious about it retirement plan yeah there was a there was a summer where i had my

00:31:42.560 best friend's little sister uh teach me monday through friday in their basement how to tap and

00:31:49.460 how to go uh pretty good yeah i'd say but the problem is you have to go through some really boring

00:31:54.560 shit before you can be like michael flatley and i was not aware of that part no i'm not willing to

00:32:01.320 go through the scales of it all no the no i hate the scales of it all i want to be the savant

00:32:08.700 right i want the billy elliott like one day just put them on and you're like they're like no way he

00:32:13.760 can tap i exactly i just want my community being like telling me to stop and then i and and i'm not

00:32:19.780 stopping i want them to be the only they can't stop you yeah that would be so awesome if one day

00:32:25.160 you just found out you were a world-class tapper yeah yeah that would be crazy i know if anyone could

00:32:30.100 do it would be you in my head thank you i would say i think so i mean i think everything is leading to

00:32:35.500 that all roads and medicine yeah did you say medicine medicine yeah right you're gonna discover

00:32:43.120 a new medicine or just beyond medicine yeah yeah yeah i've said before i think there's a very distinct

00:32:52.940 reason that god or the universe whatever you believe in did not give me the power of like singing

00:32:57.360 i can't sing for shit and i feel very strongly that it is because i would be fucking insufferable

00:33:04.620 same like you would never hear the end of me like if i if i had this job god help you i would have

00:33:10.840 put out two albums already fully been doing it for two years i don't like if i was only doing it for

00:33:14.720 two years i would drop two eps a music video i would be relentless i would be the worst like it would

00:33:20.040 it's for the everyone's best interest that i don't bring your eps to starbucks right i was like

00:33:24.860 did you guys play this yeah this is the song of the summer that would be me all the fucking time

00:33:30.700 totally it's for everyone's like it's it's for the sake of everybody that i don't know how to sing

00:33:35.440 yeah but don't let me find out if i do find out i can sing do you do that thing in conversation you

00:33:40.960 know the thing that people do in conversation is typically people who identify as like i'm a hugger

00:33:44.240 they typically then they also will like randomly sing things that don't need to be sung okay you do it

00:33:50.120 no you don't do it okay no no i know someone who does caleb yeah yeah yeah he's but he's got

00:33:56.520 pitch no that's my point i'm saying when they can sing he like the way he supports it yeah because

00:34:01.880 he's been you know we'll go into the see the chicks and all that yeah that's what they're

00:34:06.600 whatever yeah i think they go by the chicks now yeah i think so yeah i think you and i are both a

00:34:11.740 little too left of center to know for sure like i think you and i both were not that target well i

00:34:17.140 dead name them and i and i and i paid the price accidentally and i and i gotta talk into and then

00:34:27.080 you gotta be like this is all new to me i'm older a flight attendant took me aside and said

00:34:31.640 hey i overheard you you can't be doing that anymore just the chicks now yeah you dead name

00:34:38.100 and i'm like well they should drop the chick is also kind of not ideal i would say let's just call

00:34:44.440 them the three distinguished women three women three women three beautiful strong empowered

00:34:51.760 women yes there you go put that on an album cover yeah you can do it yeah no but caleb's got a

00:34:56.760 beautiful voice he does yeah that's that is a nuisance that he's got that talent that because

00:35:02.180 that's an embarrassment of riches that's what i'm saying yeah it's a flaunting of wealth in my

00:35:06.820 opinion yeah you can't be funny and do that fuck you i took a voice lesson around the corner from

00:35:11.160 here you did and i thought the guy was gonna take me you know when you you know when you're in a bad

00:35:18.760 way not in a good way no no like like kidnap you yeah like i would i would go missing right they'd

00:35:24.780 find me in a silo in the pacific northwest chopped into little tiny pieces totally freaked out yeah oh

00:35:29.800 i'd be around he would just like make me watch judge judy all day just as a companion yeah he's just

00:35:37.240 he needed a friend people want me as a companion and they don't even know what they want to do with

00:35:41.540 me you know but you you stay here and i'm gonna figure out what exactly i need to do i need to do

00:35:48.980 something with you is there something that you would like love to to pursue other than tap

00:35:53.000 like if you could pick another thing to be a master at i like the idea of someone starting the

00:35:57.680 interview here and them thinking that i'm a famous tap dancer like i'll tell everyone you're a famous

00:36:03.260 answer anything other than tap no um oh you know i wanted to be veterinarian when i was young but

00:36:08.760 i i pass out at the sight of blood or anything so oh so it didn't work out for you didn't work out

00:36:13.860 for me what about you besides this i honestly think this is where i'm at this is where you're at yeah

00:36:18.940 this is where i'm dying unfortunately this is yeah it's like fit everything into here yeah however

00:36:23.640 if you can get in you and if you fit in get in that's how i feel about this i i don't know if there

00:36:28.280 was any other job for me really although i did have a running bit for a while that i was like i

00:36:33.360 can't play any instruments but if i could play one like off the rip right now like i go on tour

00:36:38.660 tomorrow it would be no it would be the drum yeah notice i said drum not drums yeah you're thinking

00:36:45.840 yeah a very specific drum only in the song viva la vida by coldplay i was just on cape cod

00:36:54.100 yeah just they play that one song and you know it's like dude dude i could do that i could nail

00:36:59.020 it just that one yeah because he's not the main drums he's just that one solid drum and the

00:37:04.740 underlying beat yeah i think i could do that you want to be the guy you want to be the caboose of

00:37:09.600 the marching band exactly the heavy the closer boom he doesn't even know what's happening with the

00:37:17.140 clarinets yeah pow no no need to worry about it no no because i got my beats memorized up here so

00:37:22.820 like just for that one song though i can't play any other songs just just viva la vida just that

00:37:29.300 one uh i don't know anything else i used to almost flip my car to that song in 2011

00:37:33.960 like it's a great song to do it to my sister totaled our minivan to fix you

00:37:40.180 so you naturally have to do it to another one so and yeah there's something about

00:37:45.820 yeah it really it really lands it's a great song it really brings something out of you

00:37:52.960 oh i just feel like i would really kill it so if chris martin ever needs anybody

00:37:56.660 let me know yeah i could start tomorrow because who was it it was gwyneth hitting that

00:38:02.460 probably yeah it was hitting the base yeah it was either her apple it was oh apple's the baby

00:38:07.520 yeah who's probably 39 i think so i think she's like in her 20s now yeah early 20s yeah do we know

00:38:15.720 her do we know her you gotta have her on i gotta have apple oh yeah i gotta have her on oh just

00:38:21.880 imagine imagine what she's up we're going straight to the top yeah that's the case probably just

00:38:29.480 in a good kitchen just rocking

00:38:31.580 hands over ears

00:38:34.920 just that one song playing over and over again just people of vida yeah i used to make um

00:38:42.820 gwyneth has these uh almond butter cookies that i would get more and more kind of um i would cook less

00:38:50.160 and less okay like like meaning like i would uh they basically you know like the school lunch ladies

00:38:56.960 how they wouldn't cook the cookies yeah and so they were just kind of giving you like these kind

00:39:00.900 of this kind of like salmonella dough i would do that with gwyneth baltro had these almond butter

00:39:05.820 cookies that were like it was like i she's like cook them for 12 minutes and i'd do that and i was

00:39:11.560 like maybe i'll try 11 and i think i i think i'm dove down to the round cooking them for two

00:39:15.720 just straight out the fridge yeah so good i do love eating cookie dough that's the best it's so

00:39:21.440 delicious we're not worried about salmonella anymore i don't think right can you get salmonella

00:39:25.660 from cookie dough i think if you're like i think it's mostly a reptile born illness now

00:39:30.580 yeah i don't know my brother's had salmonella he's right there yeah he's had salmonella and he looks

00:39:36.260 great yeah he looks he survived it honestly it's funny because the year he got salmonella was like

00:39:40.800 it was like during the summer he got it when we were camping in mexico yeah and he obviously had

00:39:46.340 to go to the hospital uh because he was really sick for too long and my mom was like everybody keeps

00:39:50.760 telling me he has the flu i know it's not that so she finally got him diagnosed and they were like

00:39:54.020 he needs to be seen immediately and we need to seal him away in something uh you got sealed

00:39:59.080 yeah they like like yeah you had heat stroke too so it was like it was a whole thing so like

00:40:08.940 i almost bought a small business on heat stroke

00:40:10.680 salmonella oh it's crazy and i we i remember we would finish work and we would go to the hospital

00:40:19.700 to visit him he had to stay in the hospital for like four to four or five days yeah and they were

00:40:23.400 like had him in like a little penthouse suite like they were wheeling in a tv so he could play like

00:40:28.060 mario kart and shit i remember like after all that happened ended he was going back to school and then

00:40:34.180 we were like what was your favorite part of summer and then my sister goes my favorite part was when

00:40:37.660 you got salmonella and then he goes honestly same

00:40:40.720 because i got to lay down and play video games and eat whatever i wanted so that was pretty nice

00:40:47.240 you were treated like a king because you had salmonella where was this do you say new mexico

00:40:52.920 no in mexico oh original mexico yeah we got back to california and then he had to go to the hospital

00:40:59.600 you started that by saying the year my brother got salmonella and that that does sound like a

00:41:04.080 beautiful kind of teen novel like right a ya novel yeah yeah or like a john green book yeah yeah

00:41:10.040 the year i got salmonella the summer i turned salmonella do you think the mario kart was causing

00:41:17.360 the salmonella no i think it was healing it that was healing that was the treatment yeah i think if

00:41:21.880 you get salmonella just play mario kart i think it'll go away yeah just don't be yoshi because that

00:41:26.000 guy that guy's got it he's fucking riddled nope who do you who do you play as when you play

00:41:32.900 mario do you play mario yeah who's your character um i'm obsessed with funky kong

00:41:37.400 who famously spent some time i think at rikers island

00:41:42.500 because they found coke it is miata right right who do you who do you race as i play as toad yeah

00:41:51.060 of course yeah oh that's perfect the most decent people are to i would say toad don't ask him where

00:41:56.500 he was january 6th though because no alibi i don't know i don't know he's disorganized right he

00:42:03.620 doesn't have he doesn't keep us it's not it's not the politics it's finances that's what it is

00:42:08.440 so it's the it's the money that's why whatever the fuck they were saying 2016 yeah it's just because

00:42:14.940 he's a bank guy he's a money guy oh yeah he's a wall street guy toad probably you ever watch

00:42:21.960 waffle wall street yes i did yeah yeah don't don't know how i feel about that although one

00:42:27.280 time i did a little hot ones thing and they were asking me the hot ones no it wasn't the real hot

00:42:32.420 ones yeah it was the mini like you're not that famous yet hot ones like that one that's the one

00:42:36.980 i did a training ground yeah i had the training bra training bra training bra hot ones that's what i

00:42:43.460 had so i did that those first of all those wings genuinely are hot as fuck like and i it's any

00:42:52.220 wonder how i made it home and didn't blow out my pants like a baby like just up my back you know

00:42:56.880 what i mean it's it's a wonder but i they also did tell me though on that mini version that i did

00:43:02.500 they put only the hottest one so it's the very last one on all of them which is not a mini one

00:43:06.780 sounds like you did the worst one yeah i did the crash course one apparently just with a smaller

00:43:11.640 distributor yeah you went through more pain yeah for fewer views and i was chugging that milk like

00:43:18.380 it was gonna save me it didn't uh but one of the questions they asked me because at first i was like

00:43:22.540 i'll eat the fucking wings i don't give a fuck because i do love spicy stuff really the first

00:43:27.000 bite i took i said so i'm gonna burn every bridge i've ever built i'm gonna i'm going to out every

00:43:32.660 single person i can't do any more of those things wait so you you it would it was like uh it was it

00:43:37.660 would bring out like a confessional thing yeah it was like i'm gonna answer every question

00:43:41.180 honestly because i can't put that thing near my mouth anymore but the next question they asked me

00:43:45.580 was whose tiktok account would you delete and i couldn't think of anybody like fast enough that i

00:43:50.880 genuinely hate yeah but i was like uh jordan balefort i was like get that geriatric motherfucker

00:43:59.140 into a home and off tiktok yeah that's what i said so there you go that's how i feel about wolf of

00:44:03.600 wall street exactly what yeah it seems like scorsese liked him a little too much right like

00:44:10.400 i think so because they kind of made him look like awesome in that movie for a little too long

00:44:15.160 i would say leo yeah leo doesn't blow my hair back no me either it's like yeah this is leonardo

00:44:23.200 di caprio right got it and he's he's like doing a little bit of an accent okay he's in like oh he's

00:44:34.780 in a plaid shirt in this one it's like his hair is black in this yeah not even i don't even think

00:44:41.440 they let him die yeah yeah yeah he's got a little bit of a close shave on this one the other one a

00:44:47.260 beard get this a beard now right okay remember that scene where he's crawling to the car for i

00:44:53.380 think 45 minutes yeah and he's off quaaludes or whatever hated that just the worst dudes you know

00:44:58.020 to watch that and they were like no this is cinema i've never seen a movie like this in my life totally

00:45:04.760 that's crazy yeah i feel like they were rooting for the wrong reasons yeah it seemed like yeah i know

00:45:11.780 scorsese's got a good daughter and all that that's true you know the clip of um occasionally to pump

00:45:17.600 myself up i'll watch and delete this i'll watch lose yourself i don't know you don't have to delete

00:45:21.060 this i'll watch i'll watch lose yourself uh when remember when eminem came out for no reason at the

00:45:26.180 oscars yes and scorsese falls asleep in it they cut to him i don't remember that oh it's good it's so

00:45:33.420 good i love shit like that though let's like like it's celebrities almost like being human for like

00:45:40.220 half a second i love that shit oh me too i was just talking about that with my last guest i was

00:45:45.980 talking about like you had another guest before yeah can you believe it oh well i shifted there

00:45:51.300 that's why it was a biden again no but i'm so glad that when i did tell you that i literally got it the

00:45:59.720 day before you came on it was like the perfect you're the perfect person to break that news too

00:46:03.120 yeah i think i handled it with grace and poise i think so too yeah yeah especially when i said

00:46:07.640 fuck no because you said what did you say and i can't believe you said no the idea of biden in

00:46:12.300 this chair i would never i would never be able to escape that if that was in there there's no

00:46:19.980 fucking way yeah but also the girlies would tear you to shreds yeah i was like well let me ask him

00:46:24.800 whatever i want then yeah that's the case oh and they said no yeah well no i said no but like it was

00:46:30.300 very like it's gonna have to be too curated to a point where i'm like no thanks and you'd have

00:46:35.220 snipers on you yeah the whole fucking time yeah but just one red dot in the middle of my forehead

00:46:40.720 the whole time one in the shoulder just to just not to kill just to maim yeah yeah to wound to slow

00:46:48.620 down god you know yeah a little a little clavicle yeah no i was telling them i love to remember things

00:46:57.820 that celebrities have done that are like less than favorable when they look back like they like now

00:47:03.440 they'd probably be like hate that like those are some of my favorite things to remember yeah and

00:47:08.180 the one i always bring up is like sydney sweeney when they found out when they saw that picture of

00:47:12.220 her mom and like maga hats on her birthday love that and everyone's like hey yeah what the fuck is

00:47:17.060 this and then she went guys it's my mom's birthday and that was it and everybody moved on like i think

00:47:24.220 that's so that's the funniest fucking thing you could ever say to that totally guys it's my mom's

00:47:28.180 birthday why is she i think she might i think she might be getting ripped off by her people because

00:47:34.440 why does she need to do so many ads and so many bad things too she's doing zeros after zeros you know

00:47:40.180 and she's like so remember the bathwater yes i do remember very distinctly she shouldn't have

00:47:44.800 she's an icon hey what's going on i should be doing that i should be doing that for like 5k

00:47:52.420 yeah working with sasquatch it was like sasquatch yeah they they like that's like a soap you get at

00:47:59.220 a comedy festival they it's like in like the in the swag bag that i i never slam dunk anything

00:48:06.980 into the trash except at the airport kapow you give me a fucking gift oh my god it smells like a stump

00:48:14.960 kapow and sydney sweeney's like it seems it seems like she's like she's doing i don't know so she's

00:48:23.040 preparing for something oh a bunker you think she's building something she's building a craft

00:48:28.660 that would be crazy where's she going i don't know she's preparing maybe she thought the rapture was

00:48:33.520 for real did you tell me about this yeah i i keep missing these things yeah that doesn't surprise me

00:48:38.880 but they moved the rapture to december i guess that's what i i'm assuming oh that's what you last

00:48:43.680 heard yeah because it was supposed to be just kick it down the road yeah they're just kicking the can

00:48:47.820 again i have sympathy for them because i could see myself starting you know thinking something like

00:48:52.520 that what a cult like vision yeah i feel like if you and i tried hard enough like we could easily

00:48:59.380 start a cult oh oh yeah yeah both separately and together i feel like if we tried hard enough

00:49:03.700 yeah i'm just too tired that's truly the only like i don't have any the energy to do it yeah if i

00:49:09.400 were younger yeah what would yours what would you do with yours you probably do kind of have a

00:49:13.600 little bit of a cult i do a little bit yeah i would say do you abuse it at all like like like a

00:49:18.460 little bit sometimes yeah like when i want to get into the caesar palace buffet in las vegas

00:49:23.480 yes i do i'm standing there with pulling my hair back going oh someone recognizes me i do that outside

00:49:30.540 of buffalo exchange sometimes when i need attention i just rotisserie around

00:49:35.160 hey yeah like when i want to like my wife kind of likes you yeah i think i don't

00:49:43.960 yeah like i've used it to get into the caesar's palace bacchanal buffet

00:49:49.620 it's literally called the bacchanal buffet

00:49:52.800 i've never been there i i've done the um i've had too many bachelor parties that are there and then

00:50:01.980 we all realize what are we doing we made a grave mistake i've had too many yeah and one too many at

00:50:10.620 the buffet in that yeah with the crab the giant crab legs yeah yeah they have that like it's like

00:50:15.400 three huge rooms full of food like it's just a never-ending spread yeah yeah and it's like goes

00:50:21.540 by like country almost like they have like mexican food chinese food like it's just it goes all the way

00:50:28.160 to the back yeah it's crazy organized in terms of like what it does to your glucose levels right yeah

00:50:34.520 very true like when you move in yeah you're gonna die in there for sure yes i've posted up a couple

00:50:39.380 times in there that was probably those are probably like the only times i've abused my cult position

00:50:43.920 that's not bad i wouldn't say no that's i'm like always the most famous person in like the most

00:50:49.540 inconvenient awful times and then i'm like just a regular ass bitch in times where i could use it

00:50:55.360 give me an example of this well i was like probably the most famous person in the entire universe when

00:51:01.360 my dog was dying and i was at the vet and they asked me for pictures i didn't know which one the

00:51:05.840 bulldog yeah no they didn't die i had two frenchies but i thought he was gonna die because he was like

00:51:10.460 on the verge yeah you know frenchies borrowed time already yeah as soon as you get them yeah yeah i

00:51:16.080 always say they're great dogs if you have a lot of time and money yeah to just blow on anything

00:51:21.460 yeah i recently found out like a teletutty vacuum exactly yeah i recently found out my oldest frenchie

00:51:27.180 has alopecia yeah because he has bald spots and we were like what is that and then we looked it up

00:51:32.320 and it's because he has alopecia yes so you know he's also allergic to protein so i i have a vegan

00:51:38.220 same babe

00:51:39.020 i have a vegan kibble that i subscribe to a service that gets auto sent to my house every two weeks

00:51:46.840 what's what's a vegan what's in the sweet potatoes it's hydrolyzed protein so it's basically protein

00:51:52.260 without actual protein from a meat because he's allergic to that oh my yeah it was making him

00:51:57.680 throw up 17 times a day like at by the time he developed it and i remember i took him to countless

00:52:03.200 vets i was taking him everywhere i was like something is wrong with him everyone would be like

00:52:07.200 it's just my frenchies do and i was like okay so do i just do i just get rid of all the carpets in my

00:52:11.840 house like what the fuck am i supposed to do and then i finally found like a specialist and took him

00:52:15.940 there yeah and when i took him to the specialist they were like can you describe because there's

00:52:20.600 two different kinds of dog throw up apparently there's throw up and then there's regurgitation

00:52:24.100 oh so they were like can you describe the throw up and i was like i verbatim i was like you know

00:52:29.480 that scene in the exorcist where her head turns all the way around and then she spits out the black

00:52:33.520 stuff sprinkler mode and or or jurassic park when it's like oh like that one in the jeep and then

00:52:40.300 blows it yeah that that's that part still surprises me he's doing that all around my

00:52:45.420 fucking house yeah at least nine times a day so like can you fix it i guess it's my question he's

00:52:51.460 devaluing the property yeah what's one carpet by one car one time i i went to i was like we only had

00:52:58.700 him at the time my fiancee wasn't home he was working and so i was at home by myself with him

00:53:02.480 and i went pee and i heard he was just kind of wandering in my room and then i heard him start

00:53:07.100 going like he was gonna throw up and i just bought a brand new rug and it was under my bed

00:53:13.140 and i was like squid squid squid because i was already peeing i couldn't like stand up

00:53:17.060 and then when i stood up i finally turned the corner i like run around the corner

00:53:21.000 he goes on my carpet vomits all over it gets off my carpet lays down

00:53:25.240 of course like they have it backwards uh yeah on where to

00:53:30.020 they need to switch it

00:53:34.700 i need something to shift that's where yeah the designated okay but you so you were recognized

00:53:39.800 at the emergency vet when like when you're yeah when he was laying on the table and i was like

00:53:44.480 holy fuck i'm gonna kill myself if this dog dies and then someone asked me for a picture

00:53:47.900 yes but when i'm late and i'm in tsa and i'm like oh my flight's late they're like i don't give a

00:53:53.200 fuck right right okay no worries i find that people want to take pictures a lot at 5 a.m

00:53:57.720 at the airport that's the best time like when i'm coming down with something

00:54:02.060 it's it's it's really weird when you just got the worst news of your life

00:54:08.160 and then they're like i love your stuff yes yes or during like elder care and then they like

00:54:14.840 remove you from the person you're necessarily taken care of to like meet their daughter who

00:54:18.680 doesn't want to they're like and the daughter's kind of like that literally just happened last

00:54:23.420 weekend i was like i and the person i'm supposed to be watching is like walking down a precarious

00:54:28.440 stairs yeah no no it's completely useless no i don't think i've ever benefited from it at all

00:54:34.280 one time i was on um a red eye coming back to la and um what's the dude's name from the walking

00:54:41.280 dead that we saw steven young uh he was on our flight and we landed at like 5 a.m right and in

00:54:50.240 la so we're getting off the flight he's um like kind of in front of us and or no he's right behind

00:54:56.040 us so we're walking and as we come out obviously it's empty like in the terminal like there's really

00:55:00.320 no one there yeah but there was the occasional person sleeping right exactly waiting for their

00:55:04.540 flight that's it like with their jacket i've ever seen mouth wide open yeah in lax tent like

00:55:12.240 glamping glamping in the delta lounge yeah yeah like a california king it's crazy he we were walking

00:55:21.320 out and there was three grown men standing waiting right there with like like figures of his character

00:55:29.080 from the walking dead brutal and they were they were like oh steven steven steven steven can you sign

00:55:33.820 these and one of them had like six of them like six boxes of that figurine and he was like oh yeah

00:55:39.420 and then he like stood there and was signing every single one these grown ass men like he's just waking

00:55:44.920 up from a sex dream that he had on the plane and he's from his lie down yeah and he literally was like

00:55:50.940 yeah sure and then we were walking past him and i was like that's fucking awful how did you even get

00:55:56.780 in here like they're not flying anywhere right these dudes i think they like bought the 90s yeah they

00:56:00.960 like bite for real they're smoking cigarettes they can come and watch and wave at the plane as it

00:56:07.360 flies away yeah chasing their fiancee who they fucked up with wait wait they get on that little cart

00:56:14.020 they're like follow that girl yeah yeah oh they're playing that uh was it big what's that song from

00:56:20.360 nodding hill where they're driving oh my god that movie you know what i'm talking about it's called

00:56:23.980 like big dirty love or something no but they could be playing viva la vida

00:56:27.960 through an airport chasing oh my god this is the perfect one i got chills when you were doing it

00:56:34.980 he used to rule the world and you guys some of you guys don't get that some of them were too young

00:56:40.820 to understand now he's just playing smaller arenas now he's breaking up loving couples at the cold

00:56:47.060 play concerts did you see that god of course that couple on the screen humiliating you know what's

00:56:52.600 funny is you if you had just chilled for a second and let it pan somewhere else none of that would have

00:56:57.320 happened they got too spooked totally like if you if you just chilled for a second yeah and just

00:57:03.440 waited it out that horse was skittish and i'm talking about the guy

00:57:06.280 maybe his first time cheating

00:57:11.160 oh your first time cheating

00:57:15.140 yeah that's what i'm saying can't be cheating around a jumbotron no way not in front of chris martin

00:57:23.460 he'll get you he's like the the guy was well that's not a very good joke i was gonna say it's

00:57:29.060 like the guy who caught the predators oh uh chris hansen yeah there you go uh totally totally but for

00:57:35.740 cheat he's the chris hansen of uh of infidelity of high finance infidelity of adultery of adultery

00:57:42.140 yeah well that's a perfect segue into some fun facts about you oh yeah yeah would you like to

00:57:49.180 hear some fun facts about you and your crew just put their fists through the drywall back there

00:57:52.540 oh my fucking god something else moving yeah is it my frame that was getting higher and then

00:58:00.220 yeah okay it's real spooky out here right now oh that thing moves on its own i love that

00:58:05.580 i kind of hate that yeah hate that i'm seeing it move on its own we have a difference of opinion

00:58:11.400 about this let's just watch it the rest of the episode yeah and decide for ourselves you know i

00:58:17.100 have a i have a uh in the same way that when i travel somewhere yeah i think it's an emotional

00:58:21.560 maturity block i can't imagine like if i am traveling to a cold region i can't i i believe

00:58:27.080 the weather is going to be exactly where i how it is where i am oh and the fact that and the fact

00:58:31.700 that this is going to be coming out in october right i can't even imagine that right now

00:58:36.060 i can't conceptualize that far yeah right october's next wednesday

00:58:41.000 wow time flies when you're having fun as the indigo girls say summer's beginning to give up her fight

00:58:48.340 that is true okay this fun fact this first one about you it says your first manager convinced you

00:58:57.160 to move to la and then quit management to become a chef a chef and i found out because she was

00:59:03.480 posting shishito peppers uh in times square uh on facebook yeah yeah that's how you found out she

00:59:11.000 had quit managing altogether that's right yeah i was like anna what about me so you'd rather make

00:59:18.700 shishito peppers than make me a star okay yes so now i'm just in la do you have any sort of beef

00:59:25.820 against shishito peppers now because of that memory oh yeah i i recoil even at the there's not

00:59:31.620 much to a shishito pepper is there i think it's just the shishito pepper if i well and a chef's

00:59:36.840 probably gonna be like actually yeah that's about how to cook a fucking shishito but you bite in and

00:59:41.620 it's gone you know there's there's an emptiness to it that's true yeah i do love a shishito pepper but

00:59:47.420 yeah i get what you mean though it's kind of a throwaway well when a pepper yeah when it looks

00:59:52.280 spicy and it's not you know yeah and when it doesn't look spicy it is that kind of thing yeah

00:59:57.920 i feel it oh my god i haven't had something that spicy in a while i think the spiciest thing well

01:00:03.360 the hot ones thing was probably the spiciest thing i ever ate and even on there like after i finished i

01:00:08.300 still felt like my mouth i felt like i had a live lava rock in my mouth like currently yeah and they

01:00:14.080 gave me this like i think it was like vanilla bean like oat milk ice cream yeah yeah and like they

01:00:21.380 said just eat this it goes away immediately and i go oh okay and i ate i ate one bite it

01:00:26.300 disappeared immediately wow now did that excuse what happened to me in the bathroom later of course

01:00:31.380 not no but no but it took care of that yeah it took care it alleviated this and yeah and i was just like

01:00:36.960 i felt like a cartoon you know when they're getting mad and it's like getting red it's filling up their

01:00:40.420 whole thing yeah their head explodes that's right that's how it felt i had that in new york i had a i had

01:00:45.580 something so spicy where i had to jump over something and i think it was an nyu like professor

01:00:51.680 thing and i had to put my mouth up to a sprinkler and it was just i think it was like a falafel that

01:00:57.060 i had and this was like 2007 or something right and i just so before covid thankfully otherwise who

01:01:03.980 knows what you would have caught i should have i should have mentioned that this was pre-covid

01:01:08.980 yeah you could put your mouth on a sprinkler head why not probably feel like going up against a fire

01:01:14.940 hydrant though no it was before fauci said sprinklers are the what's what that's how we're

01:01:19.940 getting it that's how you're getting that's how we're spreading it so yeah it's that and then

01:01:22.980 tylenol is sharing sprinklers yes yes yes it's all all the pieces are coming together claritin causes

01:01:29.480 ocd second fun fact okay it says you were once fired from a country club for sunbathing yes

01:01:36.900 on the job i wasn't so my dad got me the job illegally i was like really young yeah and this

01:01:44.560 was around the time of the blair witch project okay and so i would walk through the woods a far

01:01:49.620 amount to get to the golf course and i i remember being terrified of the blair witch at this point i

01:01:55.020 think i was fifth grade so i was being paid under the table by uh um yeah a potentially i don't want

01:02:03.460 to say mob run golf course but but it felt that it felt that way okay and um yeah it was it was

01:02:12.160 honestly walk through the woods to get there little red riding hood this was in the 50s yeah

01:02:16.580 this was in the ussr drew in the 50s i was a little girl in the ussr what it was before the

01:02:25.260 berlin waffle uh yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and i so i used to work at this golf course

01:02:30.380 i would drive the golf carts around i would get i would empty the trash and like spill cigar juice

01:02:37.140 coffee beer i would be just completely saturated and so i would often then take my clothes off

01:02:44.220 and lie on the green and and just dry out and sunbathe and just kind of ferris bueller it you know

01:02:50.080 like life moves pretty fast and um eventually yeah i think i got fired as a i think i worked

01:02:59.020 there from fifth grade to through the end of seventh okay and they were like you can't stop

01:03:04.440 like you have to stop being topless uh on the green put your tits away please and i wouldn't

01:03:10.820 and i wouldn't stop they tried to harsh your mellow yeah i was a greeter too i would greet people

01:03:16.540 they tried to train me as a caddy and it didn't stick and and i was so i would just kind of like

01:03:22.340 any particular reason why it didn't stick being a caddy i lost it one of the man's uh pitching clubs

01:03:28.300 in the in like the in like the lake you lost it yeah how i was i was frantic and i and i misplaced it

01:03:35.400 and i think it was like a pitching wedge or a sand wedge yeah and i left it behind in the marsh

01:03:39.640 and it was the most coveted job every we all wanted to be the caddy at this place really i think

01:03:47.080 i was the first eliminated so i was kind of a figurehead like so you're back on trash and i'll

01:03:52.600 let you know if i get another job for you and i was i think i was 10 or 11 like completely illegally

01:03:59.320 but my dad was like if we don't if we don't get this kid a sense of something in this way like

01:04:06.840 capitalism whatever right like he's gonna be such a problem so that was my first job when i picture

01:04:14.060 your childhood yeah i literally pictured the little kid in iron giant so you never saw iron giant but

01:04:19.680 it's like he's like a very lonely child who hallucinates a gigantic robot but that is this

01:04:25.660 what i'm gleaning from posters you know he runs into the woods and just finds a friend

01:04:30.760 life yeah is it one of those where and stay yeah he's like get out of here just go nobody wants

01:04:42.440 you seriously it's like air bud in a jersey like he's he's in a full yeah jersey they're like your

01:04:51.400 head's always in the clouds it's because you're thinking about your iron giant friend in the woods

01:04:55.780 that you have to save from military destruction i i yeah yeah he's being used as a weapon of mass

01:05:00.720 destruction it's like you stop he's nice that's literally give him a chance

01:05:06.000 that's what i picture your childhood is like he's ugly but he's cool

01:05:11.360 yeah yeah yeah it was that it was that what's your what was your favorite movie as a child did you

01:05:17.400 have a favorite movie oh my god my favorite movie or one that you kept revisiting

01:05:21.800 you ever see twister yeah the original twister yeah yeah you know i actually have i think i

01:05:30.400 watched that me and my sister watched that maybe 400 times because it's all about it's all about

01:05:36.060 these freaks finding alternate uh roads that are parallel to highways okay it's these storm chasers

01:05:44.060 yeah that's where they got the glenn powell one wrong it's not about the tornado it's about these

01:05:48.800 people being like i9 this backstreet goes and it's just like way too big a cast

01:05:54.500 every like i think janine garofalo it's like every character actor from 1990 to 2000 is in it

01:06:02.440 yeah star studded you cannot keep track of it there's way too many characters

01:06:07.560 you know in pax bill paxton is making fireable choices with jeans up to here

01:06:14.380 just like oh just doing a lot of that helen hunt looking so fresh i know helen hunt in her prime

01:06:22.760 and twister in in the wind in the 90s they loved to put helen hunt in the elements they loved to

01:06:29.240 they needed her outside fog yeah rain wind fire you name it she's in it she was yeah just kidding

01:06:38.240 what was your favorite movie growing up i don't know i had quite a few yeah i'm trying to think

01:06:44.300 like my family and i like we really latched on to movies that like when i was a kid i thought like

01:06:50.180 oh everybody's watching these sure and then when i would talk about them at school everyone would be

01:06:54.040 like what the fuck like i don't know what movie you're talking about so i'm like oh okay like

01:06:58.480 strange yeah like well just like ones that like my parents loved and they were like you guys are

01:07:03.260 gonna love this and i did like what's one uncle buck sure i see i never saw uncle buck but i the

01:07:08.960 pancake thing is in my car you have to watch uncle buck that's like one of my favorite movies of all time

01:07:13.480 yeah the humor in it still stands to this day like we watched it during christmas last year and i was

01:07:18.340 laughing like i've never seen it i was like yeah yeah yeah i love john candy too so i'm just like yeah

01:07:25.080 just an absolute legend the canadians they're funnier than right than us i agree yeah and you know it's

01:07:31.360 funny the other day i was talking to my fiance about like when i was a child and i already know

01:07:36.020 i'm going to be diagnosed for this i'm just getting in front of it when i was a child and growing up i

01:07:41.600 would like hyper fixate on super specific times in history like i was like i need to learn everything

01:07:48.680 there is to know about this specifically oh wow and they would always be like catastrophic events or

01:07:53.560 something so like great molasses flood yeah like the first one the dust bowl yeah the first one that

01:07:58.520 i remember hyper fixating on was the titanic sure i was just like i need to know everything there is

01:08:04.380 to know about this to the point where like my mom was getting me books about the titanic for my birthday

01:08:09.180 like i was going to the library and i was checking out books on the titanic yeah yeah yeah i was like

01:08:15.100 i have to study up on this as if someone was going to ask me you were locking up the library yeah like

01:08:20.160 i was closing it out i'm like i'll lock up yeah exactly you're six yeah i'm nine by the way yeah

01:08:27.080 and i was it because of the film or is it no no see like not even aware of the film this is before

01:08:31.980 the movie came out really i think if i remember correctly you were just really seduced by the hubris of

01:08:37.140 man yes exactly i'm not even kidding exactly and i used to think people really did that shit like

01:08:42.400 i would read it and i'd be like oh my god like i was just so blown away by the logistics of it and

01:08:47.500 also like the the classism of it the fact that they had never done anything like that before just

01:08:52.640 all of it was so fascinating to me to the point where also when i saw the movie titanic for the

01:08:57.360 first time i was so unmoved by it because i was like they're not even focusing on the interesting

01:09:02.100 parts like i was so like the steering this couple's fucking and there's a lot of other stuff going on

01:09:09.240 like i felt so like almost short-changed by the lack of information about the real titanic when i

01:09:15.180 watched it for real i was like so you really did the summer reading before yeah i was like i guess

01:09:20.140 it's fine like i guess it was good when i watched they didn't really talk about the captain

01:09:24.760 though and also the engineering crew so well the captain is a child played by what's that guy

01:09:30.300 andrew um i forget his name but i see his face in my head yeah legally blonde too as well yeah yeah

01:09:38.320 yeah legally want to red white and blue i loved how he i loved how he was he was i i think there

01:09:45.860 was a point in titanic where he was asking kate winslet what they should do he was like hey do you have

01:09:51.120 any advice on what we yeah let me ask this middle class woman let me ask a passenger mind you they

01:09:57.480 don't give a fuck about women at the time so i was like well that's not true so oh yeah it's just me

01:10:02.260 me fact checking watching it i'm like there's just no way and i remember i even asked my mom is that

01:10:07.240 couple real and she said no and i go i knew it yeah like me thinking about i was like they didn't

01:10:11.440 track any personal accounts of those people so you couldn't even enjoy it no not at all i was like

01:10:15.780 that's why i feel like i've been a 90 year old man like my whole life like that that movie tore

01:10:22.160 my generation's hearts oh like we just the way we bled tears in that it's oh my god another one i

01:10:30.800 focused on too was like just general english monarchy like all of like especially like 16th to like

01:10:37.760 18th century oh shit i was just so fascinated by how they moved and what all the awful things they

01:10:43.280 did and all the shit they had to do holding papillons all the time yeah like shitting in

01:10:47.640 the corner at parties like i just found that fascinating they were doing that yeah like in

01:10:51.540 versailles they would throw these like huge parties and like they had no running water or like you know

01:10:55.480 what i mean like indoor plumbing so they would just if they had to go take a shit throw up whatever

01:10:58.700 they just go do it in a corner oh my god in the same room they're partying in like burning man

01:11:02.600 exactly early burning man right and i would like study that kind of stuff just for fun like i was just

01:11:10.060 like wow fascinating like the hapsburgs have you ever heard about the hapsburgs no what's the

01:11:14.820 there's like something called the hapsburg jaw which is like a literal it's like a phenotypic

01:11:20.960 like almost deformity that was because there was so much inbreeding in spain okay and like to the

01:11:26.520 point where they extinguished their own bloodline because each generation was more and more fucked up

01:11:30.640 because there was so much inbreeding until there was no more yeah until there wasn't until they just

01:11:34.120 disappeared into the air they flew off into the sky like the iron giant they disappeared so what's the job

01:11:39.180 what's the how what is well it's a hapsburg jaws literally like a jaw that like protrudes out and

01:11:43.760 it's very pointy and very long so barracuda style exactly yeah exactly yeah like the eels and the

01:11:51.840 little mermaid yeah oh serious underbite action that's what was going on there yeah and it was

01:12:00.080 fascinating to me i was like i have to learn everything there's to know about this to the

01:12:03.980 point where like also in fifth grade i had to do like a wax museum project what it's like you know

01:12:10.060 you know like madame tussauds oh of course yeah so we had to do like basically pick a figure in history

01:12:15.260 that we admired and steal it from madame tussauds and go and steal it yeah yeah and then we'd get

01:12:21.000 into the fraternity we succeeded yeah fun yeah so then we had to pick someone and then like do a

01:12:27.520 whole report on them and then like dress up like them and then like pretend we were statues and then

01:12:31.220 recite our like monologues whoa and i love to get in drag so like obviously i was i was so fired up

01:12:36.560 about it but i picked king george king george the third king george king george yeah literally well

01:12:41.760 that's how i probably said it because i was 10 you were in a character yeah you were doing the music

01:12:45.540 yeah and i was the only one who cross-dressed so i was the only one who dressed as a boy yes and

01:12:50.200 it was so concerning to my teacher that she called my mom and was like i really don't know like if she

01:12:55.740 knows and my mom was like is this against the rules and then she said no and she's like then just let

01:13:00.520 her do it so i did she was pissed or she was concerned about how how much how much passion

01:13:07.600 you brought to it yeah well and also the fact that it was supposed to be someone you admired

01:13:11.380 and i picked him and he's the one of the worst english monarchs in history got it what are some

01:13:15.900 of his sins i was just going through well he was just a terrible leader like he drove them into

01:13:20.300 bankruptcy like led them into wars they didn't win like yeah was awful just an awful ruler it's like

01:13:24.880 coming in as genghis khan yeah exactly they're like well you know yeah i'm lucifer and like that

01:13:33.220 was my whole my whole thing was about how terrible he was oh cool i was a terrible king like that was

01:13:38.720 like how i started it so you were presenting yeah i was being honest in the reporting of it all i just

01:13:43.240 don't know why that was the thing i had to do i mean i feel like medically i know but like maybe just

01:13:49.560 like socially i'm not sure but like i genuinely just drew his 30 yeah she loves yeah yeah i just

01:13:57.740 didn't give a fuck i was like well king george yeah king george the third she dislikes her french

01:14:02.040 bulldogs throwing up all over the house yeah yeah everybody else was like yeah like betsy ross or like

01:14:08.440 you know i mean people who are like molly pitcher yeah well yeah i mean i could have been john candy

01:14:14.200 i should have been yeah history to me i i my brain i can't cause and effect i can't understand it

01:14:22.400 i can't i can never they just tell you and you're like probably i don't get it i don't get how

01:14:28.100 something leads to another that's kind of that's fair it's so strange well i think when i in my adult

01:14:33.960 brain now i think looking back like everything the one commonality all those things the faces i had

01:14:39.260 were they were like almost like the hubris of man or like white people being white like i was just so

01:14:47.180 fascinated i was like they just really be doing this shit like they just they just make these

01:14:50.900 terrible decisions like i think that's why the english monarchy was so fascinating to me because

01:14:54.760 i'm like these people were just born and they're like well that person's in charge of you now right

01:14:59.060 that's a baby by the way but it's in charge of you now and then they're and everyone's like all

01:15:03.820 right so the the patriarchy eating itself has always been yeah it was just right if anything

01:15:08.960 it all tracks if you look back like yes it all tracks it all adds up the downfall of man to the

01:15:14.960 way i am now too yes like what essentially blew me up in the first place applauding men disgracing

01:15:20.540 themselves yes or just pointing it out being like just pointing it out has anyone ever thought about

01:15:25.520 how crazy this is cackling yeah at the same time yes and having a ball while i'm having a ball

01:15:31.600 yes of course i have more fun facts about you okay this one says one time your airbnb host texted

01:15:39.300 you who's your daddy well um yes uh i could read you the whole text okay yeah please do i'd love to

01:15:48.120 know it's it was complicated so i was throwing one of my classic bachelorette parties i think i remember

01:15:54.860 it actually okay the guy oh my god you have it okay thank you thank you so much okay perfect so i

01:16:02.680 was throwing about i had just done an oil painting of my friend alicia who's getting married she's an

01:16:07.540 oboe player so she's playing the oboe in it and i'm like getting the place ready oh your phone is

01:16:11.520 blowing up you're getting a lot of a lot of texts this is a good prop for the halloween set someone just

01:16:17.600 oh my god yeah okay so we're in this uh we're in this house and i just i wrote to him enoch i said

01:16:26.920 the place is beautiful what a house exclamation mark he wrote back thanks you man take your shoes

01:16:33.180 off kick your feet up grab a crystal glass in dining room pour yourself some wine lay back near

01:16:38.420 the fireplace with your feet up and look at your friends and say to them exclamation mark who's your

01:16:43.700 daddy question mark question mark question mark exclamation mark exclamation mark yeah so i i then

01:16:49.780 dropped the phone when i received this and i don't know why he wanted me to be so confrontational

01:16:56.220 that's also like that's a lot of instructions i know he wanted me to be in a in a very burt

01:17:02.820 reynolds type of position and say something very antagonistic to my dear friend to your lady friends

01:17:10.160 yes yeah who's your dad and go ahead get and also make sure you what if it was just a chore list

01:17:15.780 take off your shoes sweep the porch also make sure you take out the trash make sure you go help

01:17:19.800 yourself to liquor and say who's your daddy say who's your daddy and obviously i did not abide by

01:17:24.680 this and there was another airbnb where i was also in denver okay people in denver don't give a fuck

01:17:30.220 i denver is crazy it's crazy and haunted and ambition a very strange energy you feel your ambition

01:17:35.980 going away when you go to denver yeah i had to take care of a pit bull in my airbnb in denver

01:17:41.700 why because i went in the kitchen and there's a doggy door and i hear a thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk

01:17:45.880 and mr ed style there is a pit bull sticking his head over the doggy door and i couldn't get a hold

01:17:52.420 of anybody so i was just kind of like i guess i'm in custody of this pit bull for a week in denver in

01:17:57.580 2017 what if he was the owner of the airbnb he was running it was his house you came you went into

01:18:02.740 apparently he was happy happy to see you happy to host you it was fun denver's crazy denver is so

01:18:10.580 weird like my god i went there a few months ago for a show thing uh for work and it was like uh my

01:18:16.880 friend here he was telling us it's like haunted like their their airport is like haunted yeah a

01:18:21.640 haunted airport yeah i said really and then they also have that weird uh statue of a bronco did you

01:18:27.420 see that on the way to the airport it's like a big blue you know that you know that like 40 mile

01:18:32.420 stretch from the airport to civilization yeah oh my god it's horrible that's why on that drive

01:18:38.140 there's like a rearing bronco that's like fluorescent blue and has red eyes the whole thing is all very

01:18:46.020 haunted yeah it felt like going you know like did you ever watch wandavision no oh i was supposed to

01:18:53.080 this joke would kill if you watched wandavision but like there's basically like this force field

01:18:57.720 around it that's making it like she's trapping the whole town in there and when you go in you go

01:19:02.160 into whatever reality she's projecting at the time that's how i felt going into denver i was like

01:19:07.020 whatever whatever force field i passed i'm in it now like whatever's here it's just jam bands and

01:19:12.080 a lot of different shades of sage green hatchbacks yeah they're discovering a lot of chaco shades of

01:19:19.480 green for cars yeah oh my god and also i felt like walking in the city it felt like there was no noise

01:19:30.180 but there's lots of people well downtown they don't need a downtown they're not doing like what

01:19:37.340 are they it's denver yeah what is it's all just dreaming up like uh like a uh what's what like a

01:19:44.180 tiger bomb that like doesn't hurt the balls that it's like it's like all these bros doing things that

01:19:50.940 are like okay guys that's very true honestly i did see a lot of bros groups of bros oh my god

01:19:57.240 in a constant state of bachelor parties yeah with the shorts down to here oh my god and they would

01:20:03.640 be going to denver honestly they would be going to denver for whatever fucking reason yeah okay this

01:20:08.220 other fun fact says you used to be an sat tutor i did oh my god i moved out here well i i would

01:20:16.540 mostly just kind of um i would tutor like i tutored twin girls in seal beach for a while and i would

01:20:23.520 and i would just get them to kind of gossip about the other for like and then run the clock that was

01:20:30.760 kind of my job for a while right but then i would teach classes sat's and just kind of same thing

01:20:36.380 yeah just gossiping but no i i but then i did take it pretty seriously and i would i there was a

01:20:42.000 physical challenge element i was like and i would challenge one of them to a race up like one time

01:20:46.420 like up a hill and they always beat me it was like it was very there was a whole thing of it it was

01:20:51.680 any particular reason or just like you think you could be just to spice it up because you can see

01:20:55.620 like after six hours and it was like all right like if you do this like we'll do a physical challenge

01:21:00.040 okay and i'll race your fastest and i never even came close to beating them at all yeah what a fun

01:21:07.300 teacher oh i was a blast i think that sounds me in a tank top at 22 in like redondo

01:21:13.040 get out of here hair uncut oh my god i just saw two guys from denver really in cape on cape cod and

01:21:21.900 one of the guys was like you and i man we got something common neither of us have paid for a

01:21:26.380 haircut in a long time and i was like i pay tons for this i pay so much money for this

01:21:33.340 this is not a don't find me on that no speak for yourself oh sorry dude but yeah no i wasn't i was

01:21:46.180 an sat tutor yeah i could have tutored you but no you were riverside that's true and you are

01:21:51.660 significantly older than me so that would be possible yes i did i took the sats and the

01:22:00.280 acts to go to college and i fucking heard they don't even have to do it anymore what's the act

01:22:05.300 is just about marine biology no it's like it's literally a different version of the sat out of

01:22:10.140 36 or something yeah it's like yeah the the top score i think is like a 30 like they measure it like

01:22:15.780 it's like 10 to 30 or something like that no i don't even fucking remember but i i got a 26

01:22:20.340 clock it great and on my sat i got a 1750 great not bad not bad at all no those are good numbers

01:22:28.000 listen is what it is what was your essay about i genuinely don't remember sure if i'm being real

01:22:33.440 yeah i did though in high school i took ap classes yeah and so i took ap tests and one time someone

01:22:40.940 said what's something you wish people asked you more about and i said my ap test scores totally very

01:22:46.440 proud of those i got a two on the music theory because we had to sight sing music to this and

01:22:51.920 in front of a guidance counselor right i had to be like a follow like sitting next to this guy named

01:22:57.640 dan glover he was this like ripped coach and i had to i see me knee a lot to do and i got a two out of

01:23:04.960 i i botched it so bad i don't think it was impossible i did so badly on the judge simon cowell

01:23:10.440 he said no yeah yeah what were your score what were your ap scores i on my econ one i got a four

01:23:21.800 it was like yeah economics and government on hell yeah ap comp i got a five damn yeah at ap lit i got

01:23:28.880 a five damn and the only one i didn't pass was a push i got a two a push what's a push u.s history

01:23:35.380 ap us history i was like maybe i wasn't taught correctly i thought he pushes one of the black

01:23:40.260 eyed peas then i would have aced it if that was the case i remember too my ap comp test score i got

01:23:47.520 a five and then i when i went to class like the following week or whatever because you know you

01:23:51.940 take them at the end of the year oh yeah you have like another week of like nothing classes like

01:23:56.060 before you go to summer and i remember my uh teacher was like oh did anybody get a five and it

01:24:00.280 was me and the kid who was valedictorian of my class like my year and then she was like you got

01:24:07.280 a five and then i go yeah why would i lie about that like that would be so humiliating if i just

01:24:13.740 lied for no reason she didn't believe you no and then i had to show i showed her my score on like the

01:24:18.040 little envelope they gave me oh my god yeah it seems really inappropriate yeah oh yes it was uh

01:24:22.960 she was like what was her name uh her name was mrs garcia and it's ironic because the next time i

01:24:29.400 saw her which was like the last day of school she wrote me a letter of recommendation for college

01:24:33.520 how they come back this girl's going somewhere but i remember being very proud of the five i

01:24:40.560 fuck if i know what i wrote about i don't remember probably moby dick yeah probably or the odyssey

01:24:46.000 the iliad something like that who's your favorite moby dick character three two one the whale

01:24:51.840 quee quag okay i don't even know quee quag was the punk he was the harpoonist yeah he had gauges i

01:25:00.520 think i remember when i was in ap literature my senior year of high school we learned about

01:25:04.740 and read dante's inferno oh damn yeah we learned what i read it did a bunch of shit on it and i

01:25:09.860 remember there was a girl that i was friends with at the time and i'm not friends with anymore

01:25:13.960 but for what will become obvious reasons but we she betrayed you during dante's inferno she she just

01:25:19.500 had started really getting into christianity at the time in a way that i wasn't finding or vibing

01:25:23.620 with really and so like i started getting a little bit worse as time went on and she started dating a

01:25:29.060 a youth pastor who was 21 and we were 17 right yeah can't be doing that her mom was also can't be

01:25:36.360 doing that yeah we can't be doing that her mom was also racist but that's besides the point so

01:25:40.120 we were learning about dante's inferno i remember we did the seven circles of hell yes and we got like a

01:25:45.480 worksheet and we made she like wanted us to make our own seven circles of hell first one is tampa

01:25:50.120 second one's the jet the jet blue wing of the j of jfk airport terminals the terminal terminal yeah

01:25:59.520 the jet blue terminal exactly yeah 55a yeah exactly yep yep and i remember she put in the very center

01:26:07.420 which is of course the worst right yeah she put uh pre-marital sex i remember that so distinctly

01:26:13.820 because i was like it at even at 17 i'm like you think that's the worst thing i could do and i

01:26:20.440 literally told her what if i killed your mom in front of you yeah is that not a terrible thing to

01:26:24.560 do she's like right but you know and that was i remember thinking we're not going to be friends

01:26:29.440 for much longer premarital sex being murder right after that that's someone who's so aware of the

01:26:36.380 of like like like writing it for god to see you don't just in case he's watching just in case you

01:26:43.580 don't believe just in case that is what is what is the tightest uh circle in dante's inferno i

01:26:50.240 honestly don't remember yeah if i'm being real i don't it's probably something surprising like envy

01:26:54.020 yeah it's probably something where you go oh yeah you're like oh well that's not that bad

01:26:59.280 yeah dante's inferno yeah it's pretty intense yeah it was an intense read wow that's why i just

01:27:07.860 just so distinctly remember being violently irritated by her after that i was like you

01:27:13.440 think that's the worst thing you can do how are we talking seniors in high school yes oh my god yeah

01:27:19.680 for real and what's even worse is the year that same school year because that was towards the end of

01:27:23.760 the year like during christmas time she invited me to a new year's eve party and i didn't really go to

01:27:28.920 many parties in high school because i was an athlete i never had like time to do anything

01:27:32.240 and i had time but i got invited to two and one was hers and one was a different girl and the other

01:27:37.200 one was going to be way more fun but she was my friend so i was like fuck so i guess i gotta go to

01:27:41.540 hers so i went to hers and she said it's gonna be so good mind you like the the christian shit was

01:27:47.480 like creeping in at the time it wasn't like fully effaced there was a christian leak yeah like it was

01:27:52.860 starting to seep into the walls right yeah yeah and then when i got there no kids from school

01:27:58.720 just me and like two other girls that i knew that we were all friends um all church people all her

01:28:05.300 parents church friends that youth pastor she was dating and they were playing water pong in the

01:28:11.200 garage what's water pong it's exactly what it sounds like it's beer pong but with no alcohol it's just

01:28:17.860 water i like and they're all like 20 year old white dudes with that high and tight haircut

01:28:23.840 and like they're all wearing like those brown rosaries you know what i'm saying like they have

01:28:29.000 a henley top on yeah and those chubby shoes like that kind of youth pastor hair just swooped to high

01:28:35.460 hell jimmy neutron yeah yeah exactly high and just the the the gummiest smiles you could think of

01:28:41.400 drinking dangerous amounts of water yeah and they're like oh it's getting so lit in the garage i remember

01:28:46.120 thinking to myself this is the i could not have made a worse decision and then they had a scrabble

01:28:52.020 tournament with all the oldies and i did participate in the scrabble tournament but scrabble is nice yeah

01:28:58.480 and mind you i'm like wearing like what i thought was like my cutest outfit at the time and i'm sitting

01:29:02.780 here playing scrabble across from your fucking dad no what is going on no no that is no way no and i was

01:29:09.040 sitting i was like you said this was going to be fun this is not fun she also thinks premarital sex

01:29:15.300 is the center right that was like and then i was like well now this dante's inferno worksheet is

01:29:19.960 putting all the pieces together for me that was the first yeah you you should have put post-marital

01:29:25.560 sex as the it's the center the worst christianity in the center i think post-marital sex is is the

01:29:33.500 the tightest circle in dante's inferno it has to be yeah at that point yeah what else could be in

01:29:39.700 there how do you get from one ring to the next you just keep committing sins and you get yeah it's

01:29:43.220 like the worst they are the further in you go yeah yeah so it would just it felt more like a murder

01:29:49.020 thing like you know like embezzling like i don't know what are awful things to do i feel like murder

01:29:55.280 is kind of the worst yeah if i had to guess yeah like i was like i can't even think of enough crimes

01:30:01.320 i just know there's one that's worse than premarital sex there's at least one

01:30:05.480 yeah like even trespassing i think is probably a little worse jaywalking is probably way worse

01:30:13.780 you put that right in the center yeah then i would have been like i mean you're dumb but at least not

01:30:18.680 annoying you know what i mean right did you go to the western huh where'd you go uh university of

01:30:25.480 hawaii university of hawaii and you were a journalism major my god yeah that's badass i honestly

01:30:31.300 didn't think i was going to work there at all because it didn't appeal to me at the time but

01:30:34.380 one of my girlfriends who was also working at the paper at the time she was we had talked about it

01:30:39.080 and i was like i need clips like to get a job like so i needed to like clips are like all the articles

01:30:44.240 you write and just to show what kind of writer you are and all that and i was like shit i probably

01:30:47.840 should join so i could get clips and that's why i did damn and i became the sports editor at my school

01:30:53.440 newspaper holy shit yeah i worked my way up so you know sports yes i do i i would say pretty well

01:31:00.740 but at this point i've been i've been doing this for so long that the mona lisa my my modems wiped

01:31:05.860 you know what i mean like i'm doing this dumb ass shit every day that i'm like sports what are those

01:31:10.620 but if you had to at a sports bar you could make it work oh yeah absolutely that's cool yeah i know

01:31:16.540 i like my main sports i covered were like football men's basketball baseball also like i said in my

01:31:24.640 interview when i interviewed to work at the paper just as a writer i they asked me what my favorite

01:31:29.000 sports where i told them and then they were like any sports you're not that you know keen on covering

01:31:33.620 and i said baseball like i explicitly said i i don't know a lot about baseball and i also fucking

01:31:39.040 hate watching it like it's boring to me yes and they're like okay great then i got hired and then

01:31:43.200 that was my beat was baseball i had to cover it for like months sounds like a hazing thing right

01:31:48.340 i felt so and even when i would tell my friend who was my boss at the time he was like you said that

01:31:53.620 you loved baseball no i fucking didn't i know i didn't say that because i hate it and i and i said

01:31:58.160 i i mean i could learn to cover it you could learn to love it oh and of course when i went like every

01:32:03.720 time i went they would go to fucking 27 innings like every fucking time i went like they just

01:32:09.000 couldn't they had to go to all 12 every fucking time and they take their time with it oh my god

01:32:13.220 and they're so weird like baseball players are so fucking weird and not in a fun whimsical way

01:32:18.000 no no they're weird in a very like off-putting strange way yeah and so every time i went i'd

01:32:24.480 have to go like oh like you would talk to them yeah you have to because you have to get quotes

01:32:28.420 oh my god so you would like have to go on the field and be like can i ask you a couple questions

01:32:32.040 for the paper you're in the dugout yeah so yeah and i would talk to the coach and all that stuff

01:32:36.960 and then like it's a cozy down there in the dugout yeah no it stinks and everybody's weird yeah

01:32:41.960 that's what i was like i used to like when i would cover it like i would go to post-game press

01:32:46.240 conferences so i would like sit in the little rooms where they like wait for them to come in

01:32:49.820 and then you're like um how do you feel about oh i did all that shit oh my god i was very like

01:32:56.000 peter parker in spider-man but like i wasn't taking pictures of spider-man i was just covering sports

01:33:01.480 yeah the only question i would ask would be are you planning on stealing any bases anytime soon

01:33:08.960 anytime soon yeah if time permits how likely are you to steal

01:33:14.940 well that's another thing too is like i always wanted to do very silly whimsical questions like

01:33:21.640 that sure and they were like yeah no this is journalism so no whimsy required what's under the

01:33:29.680 mound how do you get it so high i think i saw a guy under there did you guys see that then i just

01:33:38.040 start rumors like you did at your cousin's wedding that's what i'm talking about it's just gonna start

01:33:42.360 power the rumor mill what else does it say on your wikipedia i don't i don't that's none of my

01:33:48.560 business i i don't want to know it's too stressful i'm gonna go in there and donate 25 dollars so that

01:33:55.560 i can alter it but i'm just gonna write out the plot of iron giant total please as like early life

01:34:00.860 under early life i'm gonna put that in there yeah yeah just the plot not even mentioning iron giant

01:34:05.600 no no no no no just describe it very vaguely like as if someone's reading it on letterbox a lonely

01:34:09.960 boy befriending befriended this an aberration used as a war machine yeah no i like that no my wikipedia

01:34:19.520 it's like it's like fans trying to help but only hurting is what it is

01:34:23.880 i get some causing harm yeah i get some of that yeah it's like it's like when people defend you

01:34:31.400 yeah yeah yeah i got one recently that was like she never said she was a good person

01:34:37.200 whoa whoa whoa hey good that's not true that's not what i said i said no no no i said i wasn't a

01:34:45.980 nice person i am a good person that distinction matters that is so yeah this is this is why i'm so

01:34:54.060 afraid of being eulogized by anybody like i like any like people are gonna keep fucking up things like

01:34:59.620 that like it's until the day we die you should write it yourself that way yeah they know just

01:35:04.460 pass it out yeah you think i should write my own wikipedia no your own eulogy totally yeah just have

01:35:09.440 it prepared and be like do not deviate no ad-libbing staff writer at fsu yeah little boy and iron giant

01:35:17.560 yeah all of that just add it all in there yeah big martin scorsese fan yeah yeah yeah yeah so do you

01:35:24.960 have anything else you want you would like to add before we close um i appreciate you having me here

01:35:30.100 for halloween and for the solstice and uh i and i congratulate you on the augmentation of your staff

01:35:37.540 you have such a such a crew here and it has expanded greatly since oh your empire is

01:35:43.900 including the pads the amount of pads has also the pads is even more alt-left than last time

01:35:48.860 the amount of pads in the bathroom we have to be way more explicit about being all left now

01:35:53.500 it's like the scrooge mcduck but with tampax pearls swimming around in the bathroom it's really

01:36:00.120 nice and not to mention the maxi pads which you don't see very often that's true yes speaking of

01:36:04.400 maxi pads yeah you're also going on tour kind of yeah yeah yeah you want to tell me about your tour

01:36:11.120 well i think by this point uh november 15th in new york carnegie hall yeah carnegie hall yeah how

01:36:18.300 fucking cool yeah congratulations thank you drew the same way you're not paying attention to me i'm also not

01:36:23.280 paying attention to you clearly no i'm honored to have you on the show again thank you like i said

01:36:29.520 you you're my favorite guest thank you drew and you can tell caleb i said that he's been on like three

01:36:33.640 times i'm i will i will text caleb that i saw him in the minions outfit on here and i think of that

01:36:38.920 that's one of the things i see before see that was on caleb's before drifting off yeah yeah you just

01:36:44.100 imagine it yeah that's true that's very true yeah but we have a mutual love in caleb so it works

01:36:48.940 oh the best when you were on my show he was like i i'm so happy i could cry seeing you on my show

01:36:54.000 seeing wait seeing me on yours yeah when caleb saw that you came on my show he was like i'm so happy

01:36:59.480 i could cry he's the best he's the best i did his podcast when it was still in that like courthouse

01:37:06.240 did you ever go there yes i did oh my god with the yellow curtain and everything oh yeah

01:37:12.340 yeah yeah that was wild the loudest audio and the yellowest lighting i love it yeah we were on

01:37:19.120 the ground floor jaundiced completely yeah we were yeah there are actually lost files of our original

01:37:25.280 episodes like there are lost files of that that we had to re-record and that's lost files yeah that

01:37:29.800 was when we went into the courthouse room that's like where they settled like divorce disputes yes

01:37:34.880 yeah it was it was crazy that's where you settle like lawsuits in there yeah it's very true and it

01:37:42.140 was just like him uh chance and a mystery man yeah i think there was a man who was there

01:37:49.740 no no no no no no no no no no he's talking about the original one yeah oh yeah yeah the original the

01:37:57.460 og it was like this far from the road like yeah you entered the building and like cars are whizzing by

01:38:04.200 you it's very true yeah he has come a long way since he has yes he has yeah and he's forgotten

01:38:11.360 all about us that's fucked up oh i'll never hear from him again hopefully here's hoping yeah well

01:38:17.400 thank you so much for coming on again thank you you're the fucking best you're the fucking best i

01:38:20.920 really do think oh wait before we leave i'll tell you this yes i did i did lay claim to your brain

01:38:26.560 should anything happen to you you want it yes i would like to have it okay in a jar who gets the nose

01:38:31.580 okay that's like really genuinely horrifying yeah and i'm really glad that you're blocking me

01:38:38.740 because that's genuinely horrifying i was like has that been going on yeah oh my god she's been

01:38:44.300 tweaking up there who the hell is controlling that thing they've been playing these twisted

01:38:49.460 psychological games with us yeah mind you we filmed one today and i had no idea that thing could move

01:38:54.320 i think my chair's been getting a little higher we're gonna look down there's gonna be spikes

01:38:58.360 beneath our feet at some at a certain point thank you beneath is a dramatic dramatic word to end on

01:39:06.200 beneath thank you thank you drew for having me oh my gosh you're so welcome thank you for coming back

01:39:10.660 you're the best you're the best i think you're awesome do you have any uh words of wisdom for

01:39:14.960 anybody yes stay safe like you stay calm and keep inhaling no no exhales

01:39:21.620 exactly perfect thank you so much for coming thank you all so much for tuning in don't forget new

01:39:28.480 episodes of the comment section come out every wednesday you can stream the audio on all streaming

01:39:31.700 platforms but the video lives for free and exclusively on our favorite platform spotify thank you so much

01:39:37.660 my amazing guest chris fleming make sure you follow him on everything go see him on tour he's the

01:39:41.060 funniest person to ever live and i'll see you all next week bye bye

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - October 01, 2025

WHO WOULD YOU SHIFT WITH？ Ft. Chris Fleming ｜ Episode 189

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