The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1048 - Doug Stanhope

00:00:00.000 I gotta do it.

00:00:02.000 Four, three, two, one.

00:00:06.000 Mr. Hennigan, you were talking in the background.

00:00:08.000 Yeah, Brian Hennigan, he's worried about the link.

00:00:11.000 He's waiting for...

00:00:11.000 Oh, JoeRogan.Live.

00:00:13.000 Yeah, I should tweet it, right?

00:00:14.000 Yeah, tweet it.

00:00:16.000 I'll tweet it while I'm talking to you.

00:00:17.000 Douglas Danhope, the mayor of Bisbee.

00:00:22.000 Wow, you're becoming the mayor of L.A. That should be your thing, man.

00:00:27.000 300 square miles of studio space.

00:00:32.000 Twitter.

00:00:32.000 I knew when I pulled up, well, the Uber dropped us at the wrong place, but then we walked a few buildings down and I saw a pickup truck loading Epsom salt into a side door.

00:00:43.000 I go, yeah, that's flotation tank shit right there. 0.51

00:00:46.000 We get the right door. 0.99

00:00:47.000 Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

00:00:48.000 Going live with Douglas.

00:00:51.000 I only did a flotation tank once for a shoot at your house for the man show, and you had the one in the house, and we were doing it for a shoot, so you can't really sit back and enjoy it.

00:01:02.000 But for that 30 seconds, they shut the door until they go, uh, action! 0.86

00:01:07.000 You're like, wow, this is fucking weird! 0.98

00:01:10.000 It's fucking weird. 0.98

00:01:12.000 It's weird, and it never stops being weird. 0.99

00:01:14.000 Like, even though I've done it, I don't know how many times, every time I do it, it's fucking weird.

00:01:18.000 It's a very strange feeling, and you can shut it off anytime you want.

00:01:22.000 That's the best part about it.

00:01:24.000 I love the fact that I can just get out of it.

00:01:26.000 If you want to do shrooms or something like that, that's a commitment.

00:01:30.000 I mean, you're in.

00:01:32.000 Six, eight hours, and you don't know where you're going, or who's going to call or stop by.

00:01:36.000 Yeah, you can't.

00:01:38.000 You're not shaking that.

00:01:39.000 You're just not.

00:01:40.000 It's gonna get you.

00:01:41.000 I tweeted it.

00:01:42.000 Did you get it?

00:01:43.000 Beautiful.

00:01:44.000 Yeah, but the tank, you just get out.

00:01:47.000 It's awesome.

00:01:48.000 Just open the door.

00:01:49.000 It's over.

00:01:50.000 I'm sure there's some kind of upkeep that's necessary that I wouldn't do, and I'd forget, and I'd go on the road, and I'd come back, and there's bushes growing in there.

00:02:00.000 You know what you should do?

00:02:01.000 You should start a tank center in Bisbee.

00:02:04.000 Nobody has money in Bisbee.

00:02:06.000 It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

00:02:08.000 You get like one or two tanks and you just rent them out all day long.

00:02:13.000 Yeah, again, people have...

00:02:16.000 Disability is the biggest form of income there.

00:02:20.000 I bet insurance will pay for it.

00:02:22.000 Maybe I made that up.

00:02:23.000 You should probably check.

00:02:27.000 I think that they'll...

00:02:29.000 Well, I think it's a form of therapy, for sure.

00:02:31.000 Still, the point is, I'm not good at upkeep.

00:02:34.000 I know, you don't have to hire somebody.

00:02:35.000 We have kind of an above-ground pool that is just nothing but algae for eight months out of the year.

00:02:41.000 That's the grossest...

00:02:42.000 Dude, I moved into a house once in Encino.

00:02:44.000 And nobody had lived in it for, I guess, like over a year.

00:02:48.000 And they didn't do anything with the pool.

00:02:49.000 And the pool had become this green pond.

00:02:52.000 And there was schools of mosquito larvae swimming around in the pool. 0.99

00:02:57.000 I was like, what in the fuck is that? 0.99

00:02:59.000 Like, you could see them. 0.99

00:03:01.000 It was the weirdest thing, man.

00:03:03.000 That's a problem. 1.00

00:03:04.000 We're getting rid of the fucking thing. 1.00

00:03:06.000 Dude, it was a real problem. 1.00

00:03:07.000 I was looking, I was like, you've got a big stew of life out here.

00:03:12.000 There were so many mosquitoes, it was crazy.

00:03:15.000 There were like little schools of fish.

00:03:17.000 I was like, this is madness. 0.52

00:03:18.000 All these little things are blood-sucking little vampires. 1.00

00:03:21.000 They're going to fly around and find things to bite. 0.96

00:03:23.000 And where I live, there's no other body of water for 100 miles other than my above-ground pool. 0.99

00:03:30.000 Isn't it crazy, those little cunts? 1.00

00:03:31.000 You can't kill them off. 1.00

00:03:32.000 They just find a way to just breed. 0.99

00:03:35.000 Like, back east, they're way worse.

00:03:37.000 Yeah.

00:03:38.000 They're way worse than they are here.

00:03:39.000 There's something about the weather out here, I guess, that keeps them in check.

00:03:43.000 The worst by far is Alaska that I've experienced.

00:03:46.000 Have you ever experienced?

00:03:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:48.000 Holy shit, man. 1.00

00:03:49.000 You get out of the car and they just swarm you. 0.99

00:03:52.000 Huge.

00:03:53.000 Huge and super aggressive.

00:03:55.000 And they only live to be like three months old. 0.99

00:03:57.000 So when they're going for it, they're just fucking going for it. 1.00

00:03:59.000 It's like some wolf shit. 1.00

00:04:01.000 It's like survival of the fittest. 0.99

00:04:02.000 It's the weirdest thing ever.

00:04:04.000 They're like, they're a different thing.

00:04:06.000 Like we have an idea.

00:04:07.000 Oh, mosquitoes.

00:04:08.000 Yeah, they're annoying.

00:04:09.000 They get you. 0.96

00:04:09.000 You slap them. 0.96

00:04:10.000 No, no, no, no, no, no. 0.53

00:04:11.000 No, this is a swarm.

00:04:12.000 This is hundreds of them in your face, in your eyes, all over your mouth, everywhere, instantly.

00:04:18.000 Yeah, we have no-see-ums.

00:04:19.000 The pool was cool when we got that house.

00:04:22.000 It's above ground, but it's on a slope, so there's a deck on one side.

00:04:27.000 So it seems like an above-ground pool, because you're above the pool, but it's still an above-ground pool, and it's only four feet deep or something.

00:04:34.000 Right.

00:04:35.000 But once monsoons hit...

00:04:36.000 Look at that.

00:04:38.000 Oh my god.

00:04:39.000 That's mosquitoes in Alaska. 0.98

00:04:41.000 We're looking at what looks like a swarm of birds.

00:04:44.000 That's the worst part about Naked and Afraid, if you ever watch that show, is the bugs.

00:04:49.000 I could go a month without eating.

00:04:51.000 I'd do that anyway.

00:04:52.000 I'm a drunk.

00:04:53.000 I get my calories from the mixer.

00:04:55.000 Do you have to stay naked?

00:04:57.000 Like, can you make clothes?

00:04:58.000 I don't know how much they cheat.

00:05:00.000 Oh, no, they have made clothes.

00:05:02.000 They have made clothes.

00:05:02.000 Yeah, I don't know how much they...

00:05:04.000 Yeah, the producer says, okay, you can make the beaver cloth, but you can't make a full, like, hoodie.

00:05:10.000 They do it with every one of those shows.

00:05:12.000 They'll call those shows reality shows, but there's a certain amount of, like, plotted out ideas.

00:05:18.000 And you can see them take place.

00:05:20.000 Like, you can see, like, the act...

00:05:21.000 You see acting in people.

00:05:23.000 I have a whole chunk in the book that I'm here to promote.

00:05:28.000 See?

00:05:29.000 But about how I'm glued to reality just to find where they're lying.

00:05:35.000 Alright, that's obviously...

00:05:36.000 This is not fame.

00:05:37.000 I like the name.

00:05:39.000 Yeah, I don't know who came up with it.

00:05:40.000 That's beautiful. 1.00

00:05:42.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 1.00

00:05:43.000 You're an author. 1.00

00:05:44.000 Like, a legit author.

00:05:46.000 How did that happen?

00:05:47.000 I don't know.

00:05:48.000 But you've written two, like, legitimate books. 0.94

00:05:52.000 That's pretty fucking interesting, man. 0.76

00:05:54.000 You're a different kind of person to do that. 0.98

00:05:56.000 Like, that's...

00:05:58.000 I've always felt like an extra...

00:06:00.000 One of the things that I love is you actually wrote this, too.

00:06:03.000 Yeah.

00:06:03.000 You wrote, wrote this.

00:06:04.000 Yeah, there's no guy.

00:06:06.000 Yeah.

00:06:07.000 And there's nothing wrong with those guys, because that's probably the only way you're going to get a Joey Diaz book, right?

00:06:12.000 Right.

00:06:12.000 Yeah, if a guy's not going to write it, yeah, get a guy.

00:06:15.000 Get a guy.

00:06:16.000 Well, Joey Diaz could sit and tell you all his stories.

00:06:18.000 Yeah, he could tell them right and if you have a guy I'm just I could never trust anyone to write so hard so hard I've talked to so many authors or writers or journalists even that they'll hand in a piece and then the editor tweaks it and changes it and An editor got fired from the Daily News for doing that pretty recently because the guy had attributions in his story,

00:06:44.000 the different studies and shit, where he got the information that was in it, whatever the version.

00:06:49.000 And then he got accused of plagiarism when he has the original document that he sent to the publisher.

00:06:54.000 Oh, so the editor was the plagiarist.

00:06:57.000 The editor just said, we don't need to tell people about that.

00:07:00.000 They made a weird judgment call, and they removed the references.

00:07:03.000 Well, you know, when you do interviews, how often they fuck up what you said.

00:07:09.000 I remember I was the winner of the Montreal Comedy Festival.

00:07:13.000 Like, there's no winner in 1997. No one wins.

00:07:16.000 Yeah, they don't understand what that means.

00:07:18.000 But yeah, if you read...

00:07:20.000 Which I don't on purpose now.

00:07:22.000 You read an interview you did.

00:07:24.000 I didn't say that.

00:07:25.000 Now you're making me look like a dick and other comics are gonna see this interview. 0.83

00:07:29.000 And I didn't say it like that. 0.96

00:07:31.000 You're like the only guy that ever won a comedy competition that people don't hate.

00:07:37.000 You know?

00:07:37.000 Because you won San Francisco.

00:07:39.000 But that was after that was done.

00:07:42.000 What do you mean?

00:07:43.000 It wasn't a big deal anymore.

00:07:45.000 It wasn't a you versus Dane Cook?

00:07:46.000 Yeah, but we were both completely unknown at that point.

00:07:50.000 Right, right.

00:07:50.000 But still, you weren't unknown in the comedy world.

00:07:53.000 But the competition itself in the late 70s, 80s was a huge deal.

00:07:58.000 That's when Robin Williams and Ellen DeGeneres, by the time I did it, it was me and an unknown Dane Cook and...

00:08:05.000 Right. 0.88

00:08:06.000 I think competitions are fucking weird when it comes to comedy. 0.87

00:08:10.000 You're changing what it is. 0.93

00:08:12.000 I like the festival idea.

00:08:14.000 Festival's nice. 0.94

00:08:15.000 We don't have to make it fucking Star Search or whatever. 0.97

00:08:18.000 America's Got Talent. 0.99

00:08:19.000 It's just shows.

00:08:21.000 That's what the country wants.

00:08:22.000 You've got to compete.

00:08:23.000 Battle Royale.

00:08:25.000 It did introduce a lot of people when they started doing the stand-up show. 0.99

00:08:30.000 The fuck it is. 0.99

00:08:30.000 Last Comic Standing? 0.99

00:08:31.000 Yeah, Last Comic Standing was...

00:08:33.000 The introduction a lot of people got to a lot of good comics.

00:08:37.000 You know, I mean, that's how people found out about them.

00:08:39.000 Yeah, but as long as you know going in that this is rigged.

00:08:43.000 Yeah.

00:08:44.000 When you're doing...

00:08:45.000 Sort of a little bit.

00:08:45.000 I just did Seattle.

00:08:46.000 I played up there while the Seattle competition was going on, and a girl I know was in it.

00:08:52.000 And I had to...

00:08:53.000 No, first of all, play to yourself. 0.99

00:08:56.000 The judges are going to be people like fucking Morning Show, Hack, AM Sports Talk, DJ, whoever they can get. 0.99

00:09:04.000 It's not real. 0.99

00:09:05.000 Just do your best.

00:09:07.000 If it makes you work, that's why I liked him back in the day, because it made me work.

00:09:11.000 It made brevity important.

00:09:13.000 I have seven minutes.

00:09:14.000 Cut out the dead weight in this joke. 1.00

00:09:16.000 Hit your fucking beats. 1.00

00:09:20.000 But I knew that it's bullshit. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:09:24.000 I'm sure I won because I was way cooler than Dane Cook and I hung out and drank with the fucking producers. 1.00

00:09:31.000 Wait a minute. 0.99

00:09:32.000 Why would you say that?

00:09:33.000 I mean, wouldn't you just win because you did a great job?

00:09:36.000 Really?

00:09:37.000 A funny comic?

00:09:37.000 Human beings aren't...

00:09:38.000 Is it possible?

00:09:40.000 But it's San Francisco.

00:09:41.000 Aren't they a little bit more open-minded and intelligent than the rest of the country?

00:09:44.000 Well, the people that hired the judges, the producer, I forget her name, that I hung out with the whole three weeks, and we'd drink and have fun.

00:09:51.000 That probably helped, but they appreciated you before that.

00:09:54.000 I was the judge a year or two later.

00:09:56.000 Sweetie, I don't like you being self-deprecating.

00:09:58.000 When James Inman won, I was a judge.

00:10:00.000 You're one of my favorite comedians.

00:10:02.000 It bothers me when you're self-deprecating.

00:10:03.000 When James Inman won, I was a judge.

00:10:05.000 Good.

00:10:06.000 Any other questions?

00:10:07.000 He's still a good comic.

00:10:08.000 James Inman's a funny guy.

00:10:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:14.000 I see he's funny.

00:10:16.000 But hey, look, my point is, Last Comic Standing let a lot of people know.

00:10:21.000 Alonzo Bowden, you know, Heffron, John Heffron.

00:10:24.000 Alfie May was the first year he lost to DatFan, which I said on Twitter is what killed him.

00:10:30.000 He couldn't get over the shame even 20 years later, or 15. Is DatFan still around?

00:10:35.000 I've looked him up, and I... Every here and again you remember Dat Fan and you search to see and there's occasionally he'd be playing a casino.

00:10:44.000 He was a guy that I felt like there's some really unbalanced hatred towards.

00:10:49.000 It was very odd.

00:10:51.000 When he won last comic standing, people were really mad.

00:10:54.000 There was a certain percentage of comics that were really mad. 0.99

00:10:57.000 And let me tell you something, I was there when he had a set, and he fucking killed. 1.00

00:11:01.000 He fucking killed. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Whether or not you liked that kind of material or not, there was like, he got a bunch of hatred. 1.00

00:11:08.000 It wasn't just, he was, you know, a young guy, like, wow, what does it create?

00:11:13.000 Because Eliza won last comic standing when she was like three years in, right?

00:11:17.000 I think she said, didn't she say that?

00:11:20.000 Three or four years in, I hope I don't say the wrong years, but I mean that's kind of the same thing along the same lines, right?

00:11:26.000 Like you're getting in like, but if you do it, you do it.

00:11:28.000 If you win, you win.

00:11:29.000 If you get eight minutes to kill, you can break it up.

00:11:33.000 And for whatever reason, man, people were so pissed at him because he was kind of fresh to comedy, right?

00:11:38.000 Like he hadn't been doing it that long, right? 0.99

00:11:40.000 Well, he was ridiculous. 1.00

00:11:40.000 He was one of those scientists that you hate. 1.00

00:11:42.000 He sat down and he'd graph the laughs per minute he's getting based on his recordings of his sets.

00:11:48.000 He really did that?

00:11:49.000 Yeah, on Last Comic Standing.

00:11:51.000 He'd have these graphs of laughs.

00:11:55.000 That's interesting.

00:11:56.000 Why do we hate that?

00:11:58.000 I don't know.

00:11:58.000 We were talking about this on a podcast yesterday.

00:12:02.000 All the people that you were trained to hate were talking about Carrot Top in the 90s.

00:12:07.000 You hated Carrot Top as a comedian.

00:12:10.000 You kind of had to hate him.

00:12:11.000 And then he beat Bill Hicks for some comedy award back when they had comedy awards.

00:12:17.000 It's also the prop thing.

00:12:19.000 For whatever reason, a prop comic is a lesser man.

00:12:22.000 Right. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Which is so stupid. 1.00

00:12:24.000 He's the last guy that's going to interfere with us. 1.00

00:12:27.000 No one's flipping a coin between Carrot Top and Joe Rogan.

00:12:31.000 Well, yeah, but I think there's enough to go around, even if they were.

00:12:34.000 I know. 1.00

00:12:35.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

00:12:36.000 It's just weird. 0.99

00:12:36.000 But I'm saying, all that hatred, and we were talking about Dennis Leary, who I listened to on Stern, and I really loved the interview. 0.99

00:12:44.000 And I liked Dennis Leary and I realized it was just all that he stole Bill Hicks persona thing that I just hated him for that. 0.98

00:12:52.000 And you get old and you go, I don't really give a shit. 0.99

00:12:57.000 Yeah, and when do you let it go, right? 0.99

00:12:59.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 When do you let it go?

00:13:00.000 Now, when we're old and go, it's just silly.

00:13:03.000 Yeah, we were joking around before the show about...

00:13:07.000 I had to send off an email, and you're like, he's probably talking to someone on Twitter. 1.00

00:13:10.000 No, fuck your mother. 1.00

00:13:11.000 Like, imagine being that guy that's just still doing that all the time. 1.00

00:13:15.000 Like, god damn, man, that'll rot. 0.99

00:13:17.000 I talked to Owen Benjamin. 1.00

00:13:18.000 He's like, dude, sometimes I don't sleep.

00:13:20.000 I'm like, listen to me, man.

00:13:21.000 You gotta stop doing that. 0.98

00:13:23.000 Because Owen will fucking go to war on Twitter all day. 0.99

00:13:26.000 And Jamie Kilstein. 0.99

00:13:27.000 Jamie Kilstein was on, and he was pretty open about how he would be...

00:13:31.000 When he was all social justice warrior-ed out, he'd get crazy with his phone and these arguments where he couldn't think of anything but.

00:13:37.000 He was constantly pulling his phone out and checking.

00:13:39.000 What did they say?

00:13:40.000 What did they say? 1.00

00:13:40.000 Well, fuck them, you fucking cisgender piece of shit or whatever the fuck it would be. 1.00

00:13:45.000 You get mad with it. 1.00

00:13:47.000 You get obsessed.

00:13:48.000 I just say, don't do it, folks.

00:13:50.000 Avoid arguments.

00:13:51.000 In real life and on Twitter.

00:13:53.000 Especially when you're arguing down.

00:13:55.000 You might be.

00:13:56.000 You might be going to war with someone who's on your own level.

00:13:59.000 Yeah, argue up.

00:14:00.000 There's a couple of recent things where friends of mine are arguing... 0.94

00:14:06.000 You know that you look like a fucking open-miker when you have these arguments in business with people who are far your underlings. 0.97

00:14:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:17.000 Well, it's just... 0.96

00:14:19.000 I mean, I just really feel like we should try for meaningful discussion with friendly people and just figure out what the fuck we disagree on. 0.94

00:14:29.000 But that's where I get trapped, is I'm the guy that when the Jehovah's Witness comes to my door, if I'm in the mood, I'm gonna prove him wrong. 0.99

00:14:39.000 And the less sense they make, the harder that fucking wood is to knock on, the more... 0.91

00:14:45.000 Dude, that used to be my thing. 0.99

00:14:47.000 I'd always want to argue with people, especially if someone had some ridiculous religious belief. 0.88

00:14:54.000 I would always argue with them about it. 0.94

00:14:57.000 And now I'm like, I don't care.

00:15:00.000 I think it helps a lot of people.

00:15:04.000 I really do.

00:15:05.000 And even if they're not right, here's the thing.

00:15:08.000 If you live like it's true, it is right while you're alive.

00:15:13.000 If you live like it's true.

00:15:15.000 We look at it almost from two dimensions when there's multiple dimensions to the idea of religion.

00:15:22.000 Because even though it probably...

00:15:23.000 There was never a time where a guy came back from the dead.

00:15:25.000 There's probably never a time where a guy walked on water.

00:15:27.000 But if you buy the idea of this person and this person's goal for humanity and move toward...

00:15:34.000 The direction's like moving towards love and compassion and treating each other as equals.

00:15:39.000 I mean, that's like the whole Jesus thing.

00:15:41.000 So even if it never really happened...

00:15:43.000 Yeah, if it's a weird superstition that was the catalyst to make you a decent person...

00:15:47.000 Yeah, I think like all human things, it gets poisoned along the way.

00:15:50.000 But the idea behind it, even if you don't think it's true, if you treat it like it's true, it is true.

00:15:57.000 Like, you really will make a better world.

00:15:59.000 It sounds like super hippie... 0.99

00:16:01.000 No, that's twisty wordy shit. 1.00

00:16:03.000 If you have some mental illness that makes you believe... 1.00

00:16:07.000 That you're driving a Cadillac. 1.00

00:16:09.000 You're driving a fucking Cadillac. 1.00

00:16:10.000 But you know how we have laws and we have like certain ways that we behave and we have just like agreements with how we dress and the words we use and the phrases. 1.00

00:16:18.000 If there was a religion that was all super positive that we just all agree to adopt just the same way we adopt all the other things that we do in our lives.

00:16:27.000 All the other normal shit we do with the way we decide to dress or cars we drive, just adopt that in there too. 0.93

00:16:34.000 This is just how we behave. 0.94

00:16:36.000 We behave as if we are souls in a vessel created by the Great One who knows everything and has a plan for us all and we should be kind to each other and move in the direction of love and harmony.

00:16:47.000 That's basically what all... 0.95

00:16:48.000 Well, then there'd be some cocksucker that says, oh, yeah, that great entity just spoke to me directly in my bedroom, and we're going to have a different sect of this perfect religion. 0.99

00:16:59.000 There's a fucking funny show on Netflix about that. 0.99

00:17:02.000 The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. 0.99

00:17:04.000 She's a woman who's in a sex cult, who's in a backyard, trapped in a basement for months with some... 1.00

00:17:10.000 I don't know how many years it was supposed to be.

00:17:12.000 It's a really funny show, though.

00:17:14.000 Have you seen it?

00:17:15.000 Wait, is it a show?

00:17:17.000 Yeah, it's a show.

00:17:17.000 It's a sitcom on Netflix.

00:17:19.000 It's called The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

00:17:21.000 I think Tina Fey is one of the... 0.94

00:17:23.000 People, the creative people behind it. 0.97

00:17:24.000 It's a fucking funny show, man. 0.98

00:17:26.000 Like, really fun. 0.99

00:17:27.000 I am so overdue to get caught up on Netflix binges.

00:17:31.000 Oh, man.

00:17:32.000 Yeah.

00:17:32.000 It seems like it's been two years of just something I gotta do.

00:17:36.000 I need new ones.

00:17:38.000 I need to catch up on old ones.

00:17:41.000 Plug, Nathan For You.

00:17:43.000 Have you watched Nathan For You on Comedy Central?

00:17:46.000 No, what is it? 0.99

00:17:47.000 It's one of the funniest fucking shows ever. 0.98

00:17:50.000 Completely underrated. 0.98

00:17:51.000 You have to understand what it is going in.

00:17:55.000 It's basically like a bar rescue, but a fake...

00:18:00.000 It's basically a hidden camera show, but open hidden camera.

00:18:04.000 It's like a bar rescue kitchen nightmare.

00:18:07.000 It's Nathan... 1.00

00:18:08.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:18:10.000 Google it. 1.00

00:18:11.000 Nathan something Jewish. 1.00

00:18:14.000 Nathan Fielder?

00:18:15.000 Nathan Fielder.

00:18:17.000 And he's...

00:18:18.000 It's for small business.

00:18:22.000 He helps small businesses.

00:18:24.000 This guy.

00:18:26.000 He's so uncomfortable to watch.

00:18:29.000 I can't do it justice.

00:18:31.000 You have to watch Nathan for You.

00:18:33.000 So these people with small businesses think it's a real show, and they come on and he helps them with their problems.

00:18:40.000 And it's so amazingly layered in...

00:18:46.000 Watch the one with the guy that has the TV shop that can't compete with Best Buy.

00:18:54.000 And there's so many layers...

00:18:57.000 I put it on my phone.

00:18:58.000 I trust you implicitly.

00:19:00.000 Please, watch it and then tweet about it, because it's fucking brilliant, and I'll just embarrass it by trying to explain it.

00:19:06.000 If there's anything, any problem that I have with Netflix, is that sometimes I don't know what I'm looking for.

00:19:12.000 You know, like, there's a lot of shows that turned out like, whoa, there's four seasons of this?

00:19:16.000 And you never heard of it.

00:19:17.000 Like, maybe it's just me.

00:19:19.000 Maybe I'm that.

00:19:19.000 And it's totally possible.

00:19:20.000 Because there's always some fucking new musical artist. 1.00

00:19:23.000 And I go, who the fuck is that? 0.99

00:19:24.000 And I'll go to their Instagram page, and they have 14 million followers. 0.99

00:19:27.000 And I'm like, oh, it's me.

00:19:28.000 I'm that old man. 0.99

00:19:30.000 I'm that old man who doesn't know jack shit. 0.99

00:19:32.000 We had the Uber coming here was this old, probably Armenian guy, probably 60s. 1.00

00:19:38.000 Racist. 0.99

00:19:38.000 Triggered. 0.99

00:19:39.000 Stop the show.

00:19:42.000 He's listening to what I assume he thinks people want to listen to. 1.00

00:19:46.000 And it's all this shit. 1.00

00:19:47.000 I couldn't name you a fucking Jay-Z from a... 1.00

00:19:50.000 That kind of shit. 1.00

00:19:52.000 I don't know any of it. 1.00

00:19:53.000 And I'm about to say, hey, you don't have to play this for us.

00:19:58.000 But then I saw him lip-syncing to the lyrics and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. 0.99

00:20:05.000 I'm like, wow, how out of the loop am I if fucking 60-year-old foreign Uber drivers know all the words to these fucking songs? 1.00

00:20:14.000 But you've never been a music guy. 0.99

00:20:16.000 No.

00:20:16.000 You don't like music?

00:20:17.000 No, it's not something to...

00:20:20.000 How's that possible?

00:20:22.000 I mean, I have songs I like.

00:20:24.000 Kimmy, what's a great song?

00:20:26.000 Like, Doug Stanhope hears you, oh yeah, sits back.

00:20:28.000 Most of the new songs that I've learned, I've either heard playing in a store or on a commercial.

00:20:36.000 And I go, ah, that's catchy.

00:20:38.000 Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, don't you know that I love you?

00:20:43.000 Yeah.

00:20:44.000 Cha-cha-cha by Jimmy Luxury.

00:20:48.000 Is that real?

00:20:49.000 Yeah, it's from, like, 1997. It was on the soundtrack of the movie Go, and then they disappeared.

00:20:57.000 You can't even find where the band is now, but it was on a Corona commercial.

00:21:01.000 Wow.

00:21:01.000 And I love it, and I use it as intro music all the time.

00:21:04.000 It pumps me up.

00:21:05.000 There you go.

00:21:06.000 Sing a song.

00:21:09.000 Whoa, give me some volume.

00:21:13.000 See?

00:21:14.000 I'm just seeing the video on mute.

00:21:15.000 I'm into this song.

00:21:19.000 This is great.

00:21:22.000 He's gonna have to have headphones.

00:21:24.000 This is great.

00:21:29.000 I like how these gals are dressed like they're 1950s cover girls. 1.00

00:21:43.000 What is about that look, right?

00:21:45.000 That cover, you know, pin-up girl, that's what it's called. 1.00

00:21:48.000 1950s pin-up girl type of look. 0.99

00:21:50.000 What is it about that?

00:21:51.000 I don't know.

00:21:53.000 Maybe it makes fat chicks look good. 1.00

00:21:56.000 How dare you?

00:21:57.000 Doug Stanhope, do you not realize- It was a different day and age!

00:22:01.000 You can't say that anymore.

00:22:03.000 Those days are done.

00:22:05.000 What's wrong with a fat girl looking good? 1.00

00:22:07.000 What's wrong with you, you waitist? 1.00

00:22:11.000 I just found out what ableist means.

00:22:13.000 Do you know what ableist?

00:22:15.000 I saw someone write ableist.

00:22:18.000 I'm like, do I really want to go into this one?

00:22:19.000 It's got to be handicapable.

00:22:22.000 Exactly. 0.91

00:22:22.000 If you're a person that doesn't have a mental deficit. 0.91

00:22:26.000 If you're mocking someone who is literally stupider than you. 1.00

00:22:31.000 Low watt gurgler in a high back chair. 1.00

00:22:33.000 Exactly.

00:22:34.000 You're an ableist. 1.00

00:22:35.000 If you call people idiots, you're an ableist. 1.00

00:22:37.000 Yep. 1.00

00:22:40.000 What about humor?

00:22:41.000 That was my last special.

00:22:42.000 I did a whole bit about it. 1.00

00:22:44.000 It's called the euphemism treadmill, where you can't say retarded because, but retarded was the clinical term because before that they were called imbeciles and morons. 1.00

00:22:54.000 Well, they were called mongoloid idiots. 1.00

00:22:56.000 Yeah, and that's what it was for kids with Down syndrome, which is crazy. 1.00

00:23:17.000 And you said, oh, and you made that stick.

00:23:20.000 That's what I'm going to make fun of you for when you slip on a banana peel. 1.00

00:23:24.000 Oh, you just exhibited some of the lantoaxial instability usually associated with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder, you fucking stooge. 1.00

00:23:35.000 That's not funny. 0.99

00:23:36.000 My son was bored with the trisomy 21 chromosomal imbalance.

00:23:43.000 Yeah.

00:23:44.000 There's certain things you can make fun of though, right?

00:23:46.000 Yes. 0.96

00:23:46.000 White people. 0.96

00:23:47.000 White people are a fair game. 1.00

00:23:49.000 You can be racist as fuck. 1.00

00:23:51.000 Sure. 1.00

00:23:51.000 Especially if you're a white guy. 1.00

00:23:52.000 You hate white people. 1.00

00:23:53.000 Like making fun of lawyers. 0.99

00:23:55.000 They laugh along with you because they own everything.

00:23:57.000 Yeah.

00:23:58.000 Lawyers are a good one to make fun of. 0.98

00:23:59.000 But you can make fun of Jews. 0.92

00:24:01.000 Well, yeah, Jew is just one of those words where it's all in the inflection as to whether or not... 1.00

00:24:07.000 You fucking Jew! 1.00

00:24:08.000 Whoa! 1.00

00:24:09.000 Right.

00:24:09.000 It's all about the Jews.

00:24:10.000 Hey, you know, the Jews are people that... 0.99

00:24:13.000 Well, that's fine.

00:24:14.000 But if you say, Jew!

00:24:16.000 Yeah.

00:24:17.000 Like, if you say, I'm all about Jews, that's okay. 0.93

00:24:21.000 Yeah.

00:24:23.000 I'm all about Jews.

00:24:24.000 I just like hanging out with Jews.

00:24:25.000 That's it.

00:24:26.000 Only Jews. 0.97

00:24:27.000 Hey, you're in the right town.

00:24:28.000 Like, you'd be okay.

00:24:29.000 Like, that's alright.

00:24:30.000 People accept that. 0.96

00:24:31.000 But if you're like, God, I'm tired of all these Jews. 1.00

00:24:33.000 Unacceptable. 0.99

00:24:35.000 Unacceptable. 0.99

00:24:36.000 Well, I overdosed on Jews. 1.00

00:24:38.000 I was just around nothing but Jews for, like, months.

00:24:41.000 And then I just saw a few too many.

00:24:43.000 I wanted Armenian in my life for a few days.

00:24:45.000 I want to talk to some guy.

00:24:46.000 I never do sets.

00:24:47.000 If I come to town and I'm hanging at the comedy store, it's to talk to you and drink in the back bar and hang out.

00:24:54.000 Hey, do you want to do a set? 0.98

00:24:55.000 No fucking way do I ever want to do a set for normal people. 0.99

00:24:59.000 I paid my fucking dues. 0.98

00:25:02.000 I made my bones to have a small niche fan base that are unoffendable. 0.99

00:25:08.000 Doug, I got news for you, okay?

00:25:10.000 I hate to do this to you again, but they're here.

00:25:13.000 Like, your fans are here.

00:25:15.000 Your fans are in LA. They would love it if you did a set there.

00:25:18.000 Like, it's not like they wouldn't go.

00:25:20.000 They're there. 1.00

00:25:21.000 Like, you have a lot of fans, you fuckhead. 1.00

00:25:24.000 Stop it with this small niche group. 1.00

00:25:26.000 That's horseshit. 0.99

00:25:27.000 People know you're funny. 0.99

00:25:28.000 I'm tired of this. 0.98

00:25:29.000 I'm talking about when it's just a mixed bill of fucking scattershot. 1.00

00:25:33.000 There's 400 people. 0.98

00:25:34.000 I bet 320 of them are your fans.

00:25:36.000 First of all, you know this. 1.00

00:25:38.000 Well, you still do some shit. 0.99

00:25:40.000 I saw you, last time I saw you, you were doing one of those weird shows where people just called out premises. 1.00

00:25:46.000 Yeah, stand up on the spot. 0.81

00:25:47.000 And you fucking destroyed it, and you told me afterwards none of that was planned. 0.99

00:25:51.000 You had none of that in your holster. 0.99

00:25:53.000 All of that was off the top of your head, which is fantastic.

00:25:56.000 I was high as a kite.

00:25:58.000 I barely knew what I was saying.

00:25:59.000 But for me to do material, I can't do 15 minutes.

00:26:05.000 I have one bit that's 15 minutes.

00:26:08.000 Just give me a hug.

00:26:08.000 Just give me a mental hug.

00:26:10.000 Just come into the embrace of the Comedy Store.

00:26:12.000 Just stop this Bisbee nonsense.

00:26:13.000 Why would I do it outside of my own comfort zone?

00:26:17.000 You are in your comfort zone.

00:26:19.000 Your comfort zone is everywhere.

00:26:20.000 It's an illusion.

00:26:21.000 If I went up on stage, if I came to town, which I rarely do...

00:26:25.000 I get to see you and a million people I never see, all in one room.

00:26:30.000 And everybody loves to see you, too.

00:26:31.000 But if I went on stage, then I would have this whole anxiety, well, that sucked, and then I'd be apologizing for my set. 0.99

00:26:40.000 Oh, great set, says Greg Proops or someone, and then you're like, it wasn't good, I forgot this tag and that tag, and I... Rather than just hanging out and enjoying myself, so fuck a set. 0.86

00:26:51.000 You know, here's the thing though, and I'm gonna say this with all sincerity, there's more understanding and camaraderie at the store right now than any place I've ever been at any time.

00:27:04.000 And even when we have bad sets, like people, some of them have a bad set and like, how was it?

00:27:08.000 Dude, I did not connect with those people.

00:27:10.000 Like, someone will say, you know, we'll be talking about what went wrong.

00:27:13.000 Rather do it in Fayetteville, Arkansas, than the comedy store in front of my peers. 0.99

00:27:17.000 I'd rather eat shit somewhere no one will see it. 0.99

00:27:19.000 You talk about it, and you learn something from it. 1.00

00:27:21.000 And it's like, it's a weird environment, but it fosters new shit. 0.98

00:27:27.000 It fosters new ideas and taglines. 0.98

00:27:30.000 Which I was going to say about Twitter battles.

00:27:34.000 I got so much good material out of fighting these...

00:27:38.000 Whatever it was at the time, MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, before that, newsgroups, and getting into these angry, ugly arguments.

00:27:47.000 I'm writing.

00:27:48.000 I'm writing paragraphs in defense of, and guess what?

00:27:52.000 Oh, I have 15 minutes because some stooge annoyed me on an alt.comedy.standup newsgroup.

00:28:01.000 And I spent all night fighting, accidentally wrote a new act.

00:28:05.000 That's actually probably a good use of it.

00:28:08.000 If you could...

00:28:08.000 See, you and I are very different in that regard.

00:28:10.000 I would rather just not talk to those people.

00:28:12.000 But if you did want to go to war, which I used to do, you can get some material out of that, for sure, because you're forcing yourself to think.

00:28:20.000 Like, any time you're forcing yourself to... 0.96

00:28:21.000 Like, I've found that, like, the best shit that I ever write, I write completely freeform. 0.84

00:28:26.000 Where I don't know, I'll just start thinking about any subject and just start writing. 0.99

00:28:34.000 I'm not specifically trying to write jokes, and on the way, I can kind of suck those jokes out of there.

00:28:40.000 Do you do that?

00:28:41.000 It depends on the premise, but the best premises I have, I write like a defense attorney.

00:28:49.000 That's a great way to look at it.

00:28:51.000 And then you can plug in the jokes afterwards. 0.95

00:28:53.000 Once the justice has left the courtroom, all rise, then you put in the fistfuck jokes. 0.87

00:29:00.000 Yeah, there's a gut. 0.87

00:29:02.000 It's super important to have a balance, right?

00:29:04.000 And you've got to find out where that balance is, like when you can get away with a premise.

00:29:07.000 You've got to stack it just right. 1.00

00:29:10.000 You stack it the wrong way, one way, and you look like you're patronizing and you're full of shit. 1.00

00:29:16.000 Stack it the wrong way the other way, you look like you're a sexist or a Republican in secret. 1.00

00:29:20.000 Oh man, do I have notes.

00:29:25.000 The new current current climate.

00:29:28.000 Yeah, I'm sure, right?

00:29:30.000 Imagine working for a television show.

00:29:31.000 I wanted to bring this up.

00:29:32.000 I'm glad we just got to talking about this.

00:29:34.000 Sam Seder got fired yesterday.

00:29:37.000 I missed this, so clue me in.

00:29:39.000 I just saw someone on Twitter saying...

00:29:42.000 Sam Seder, who's a heavy left-wing fellow who was apparently in some sort of a dispute with the alt-right I don't know what was going on.

00:29:53.000 I think it was about Roy Moore.

00:29:54.000 There's one of those things.

00:29:56.000 And they pulled up a tweet of his and took it out of context from 2009. Yeah, that's what I read.

00:30:04.000 And the tweet was, I'm going to paraphrase it.

00:30:06.000 I don't want to fuck it up.

00:30:07.000 Actually, Jamie, pull it up so we can find the exact tweet.

00:30:09.000 You know that if you paraphrase it, you're going to sound funnier than he would.

00:30:13.000 Ah!

00:30:16.000 It wasn't that funny, Rogan!

00:30:17.000 I don't want to edit your act.

00:30:18.000 If I was going to edit your act, this is how I would say it.

00:30:23.000 Did you find it?

00:30:26.000 Here's essentially what it is, if you can't find it.

00:30:29.000 You've got to find it, because I don't want to fuck this up.

00:30:32.000 I can't tell you how many times I've told Hennigan about, no, this comic, you've got to see, this is a great comic, they do this bit, and I do the bit for him, and he's like, oh, that's funny.

00:30:41.000 And then he sees them, he's like, oh, you do it so much better.

00:30:45.000 That other guy's got too many words.

00:30:47.000 He's using too many words. 0.99

00:30:49.000 That was Irish and lilted into retarded. 1.00

00:30:52.000 Distracting you with the middle premise. 0.94

00:30:54.000 Oh, that's not funny.

00:30:56.000 But anyway, MSNBC got a swarm of emails.

00:31:02.000 These people attacked.

00:31:04.000 These alt-right fellows attacked and started saying that this guy had tweeted, which is essentially a rape joke, and that we would never sponsor you and we're going to contact your sponsors.

00:31:17.000 This is what he said.

00:31:18.000 You've got a thing covering over the...

00:31:19.000 It's a picture of it.

00:31:21.000 Don't care R.E. Polanski, but I hope if my daughter is ever raped, it is by an older, 1.00

00:31:37.000 truly talented man with a great sense of mise-en-scene. 0.99

00:31:42.000 I don't know.

00:31:44.000 What it is, here's part of the problem.

00:31:47.000 He deleted this, which he regrets doing, but it's a part of a series of tweets.

00:31:52.000 All of them that criticize people's support of Roman Polanski, because Roman Polanski had raped kids, but he did really good films. 0.95

00:32:01.000 And he was like, do you know how fucking disgusting that is? 0.99

00:32:03.000 He was essentially saying, this is a horrific way to look at this. 1.00

00:32:07.000 Like, this guy raped a baby, right? 0.99

00:32:10.000 He raped a 13-year-old. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:12.000 Right.

00:32:12.000 So, this was a part of a series of tweets all expressing this, and that was clearly satire.

00:32:18.000 And MSNBC capitulated, and they fired him.

00:32:22.000 And I, you know, I don't know him.

00:32:26.000 I know people who do know him, some that like him, you know.

00:32:29.000 And it's...

00:32:30.000 I just...

00:32:31.000 I don't have a dog in this fight, but that's crazy.

00:32:34.000 That's crazy.

00:32:35.000 If you look at what the joke was, and the fact that he deleted it, and then on top of that...

00:32:41.000 Is he apologizing for it?

00:32:43.000 No, he's not.

00:32:45.000 He's not.

00:32:45.000 What he did was he made a video explaining what the joke was, why he said it, and the fact that it was a part of a series of tweets that he said.

00:32:55.000 But it doesn't matter. 0.99

00:32:57.000 What's that fucking outrage machine? 0.99

00:32:58.000 I was just asked if I regret my tweet from 2009. I regret laziness led me to delete it. 0.99

00:33:04.000 I would never regret criticizing rape apologists.

00:33:08.000 And I agree with that.

00:33:10.000 Fantastic.

00:33:11.000 I don't know Sam Seder.

00:33:12.000 I don't either, but I know that he could probably start a podcast and make a decent living and not have to work for someone who's going to fire him.

00:33:20.000 Well, I think he has his own show, Minority Report, right?

00:33:23.000 Isn't that his own show?

00:33:25.000 Is that his own internet show?

00:33:27.000 Plug it! 0.84

00:33:28.000 Yeah.

00:33:29.000 And here's the other thing.

00:33:31.000 He had a dispute more than once, I believe, with my good friend Sam Harris.

00:33:36.000 And he accused Sam Harris of being Islamophobic.

00:33:40.000 Sam Harris is a neuroscientist.

00:33:42.000 Some people don't like that term.

00:33:43.000 They don't...

00:33:45.000 He's an author.

00:33:46.000 He has a podcast.

00:33:48.000 He's essentially an intellectual.

00:33:49.000 Very, very, very smart guy.

00:33:51.000 One of the smartest guys I've ever had on my podcast.

00:33:53.000 So what was their beef?

00:33:54.000 Sam Harris believes that all ideologies are inherently dangerous and Islam is very problematic.

00:34:00.000 And many people on the left think that when you criticize Islam, that you are some sort of a racist. 0.90

00:34:06.000 You're akin to a racist. 0.91

00:34:07.000 Whereas if you criticize Christianity, you're someone who's just not a rube. 0.98

00:34:11.000 He gets to that weird thing because of brown skin and people's desire to not be perceived as racist.

00:34:17.000 So they go way overboard with it. 0.98

00:34:20.000 Which is what's happening with the Me Too thing, where you go, I see all the benefits of people coming out, and it's putting the fear into fucking everybody. 1.00

00:34:30.000 Who did I fuck 20 years ago? 1.00

00:34:32.000 Go ahead. 0.99

00:34:33.000 But I just wanted to, for Sam's sake, he's not a racist by any stretch of the imagination.

00:34:37.000 He doesn't like ideologies.

00:34:39.000 He doesn't like something that makes you think that God wants you to kill people. 0.99

00:34:44.000 He doesn't want, I mean, whether or not you interpret that the way the Christians do, I mean, there's not a lot of people killing people over some shit from the fucking Old Testament. 0.97

00:34:52.000 You know, there's no one out there enacting the rage of God for people wearing two different types of cloth, right? 0.98

00:34:58.000 Because Christians are generally better off Financially. 1.00

00:35:03.000 Yeah, once you get a lot of fucking toys, and yeah, you dismiss a lot of that, I should kill myself in the name of blank. 1.00

00:35:09.000 That's a fucking good point, you know, and I've always wondered. 0.99

00:35:11.000 If you look at, like, the Middle East, you're not looking at, like, lush tropical forests and beautiful beaches like Brazil, you know, where everybody's happy and they want to play fucking volleyball on the beach and do jiu-jitsu. 0.99

00:35:23.000 Everybody's having a party. 0.92

00:35:24.000 No, it's not... 1.00

00:35:25.000 Yeah, they still wear the garb, but then once they get behind the gold-plated palace doors, yeah, there's dicks swinging and fucking champagne flowing. 1.00

00:35:34.000 But outside, it's all just sand. 1.00

00:35:36.000 Right.

00:35:36.000 And poor people that have nothing better.

00:35:39.000 That's why Jesus works in the Mideast, I mean Midwest, where you're in fucking Indiana and you have... 0.99

00:35:47.000 Fields to plow and it's gonna be shitty, gray, angry weather. 0.98

00:35:51.000 And yeah, maybe Jesus is the only thing getting you through another year, another harvest.

00:35:56.000 And you put a marble on the highway and it just sits there.

00:36:00.000 You thump it, it doesn't keep rolling. 1.00

00:36:02.000 There's no hills, bitch. 1.00

00:36:04.000 There's no hills. 1.00

00:36:04.000 It's the fucking worst. 1.00

00:36:05.000 Indiana's the worst state in the fucking country. 1.00

00:36:08.000 But even in Indiana, if they found gold and it became like Qatar or some shit, they just, you know, they found oil. 1.00

00:36:16.000 They found like some crazy new patch of oil. 0.99

00:36:18.000 And all of a sudden they started building the world's tallest building there and all the same kind of shit they do in Dubai. 0.99

00:36:24.000 I mean, Dubai apparently is insane now. 0.98

00:36:26.000 They have indoor surfing things in Dubai.

00:36:29.000 In the middle of that, you get a surfboard and you're indoor surfing.

00:36:32.000 You could ski indoors.

00:36:33.000 They have indoor skiing in Dubai.

00:36:34.000 Yeah.

00:36:35.000 And you're gonna have that here in the compound.

00:36:38.000 Do you have a name for this new studio establishment?

00:36:42.000 It's kind of worn.

00:36:43.000 Yeah, plus I think Anthony Cumia.

00:36:46.000 Anthony Cumia, who I have to give his props to, he's probably the reason why I started a podcast.

00:36:52.000 It was, first of all, because he was a part of Opie and Anthony, which was the first time I ever thought, like, I really like doing radio.

00:36:58.000 The way Opie and Anthony did it.

00:37:00.000 It was great.

00:37:00.000 We would come in.

00:37:01.000 You love doing it too, right?

00:37:02.000 Yeah.

00:37:02.000 Yeah, but I remember first doing it going, wow, am I the shitty episode?

00:37:06.000 Because no one really talked a lot.

00:37:08.000 We just had fun.

00:37:09.000 I know.

00:37:10.000 It took me a minute to, oh, they just decided to do what they wanted to do with radio.

00:37:15.000 I just thought I was boring because there's no bells and whistles and fake laughs.

00:37:20.000 To this day, I don't think Opie and Anthony got the credit that it deserved.

00:37:23.000 Because I think that they let us...

00:37:26.000 They're the best show.

00:37:28.000 They were the best show ever.

00:37:29.000 They don't exist anymore, unfortunately.

00:37:31.000 But they were the best show ever to go on as a comic.

00:37:33.000 Do they exist?

00:37:35.000 In their own world, they do.

00:37:36.000 Anthony does.

00:37:37.000 He still has his thing.

00:37:38.000 OP was recently fired.

00:37:40.000 I don't know what is his status.

00:37:41.000 I didn't know if he started his own...

00:37:43.000 I don't know if he can.

00:37:44.000 I don't know if Norton's still doing his thing with Sam.

00:37:46.000 Norton is.

00:37:47.000 Norton's still doing his thing with Sam and Norton does a thing with the UFC, too.

00:37:50.000 He does UFC Uncensored with Matt Serra, which is hilarious.

00:37:53.000 And Norton also does the Chip Chipperson podcast.

00:37:55.000 He does all that on his own now.

00:37:57.000 Yeah, I've never listened to it, but I've been tweeted about it enough to know that it's a character.

00:38:02.000 Oh, it's hilarious.

00:38:03.000 It's so uncomfortable.

00:38:05.000 It's so good.

00:38:06.000 It's one of my favorite things that he does. 0.99

00:38:08.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.95

00:38:09.000 You want to see a video of it? 0.99

00:38:11.000 Not right now.

00:38:13.000 We're in a live broadcast.

00:38:15.000 I know, but I'll pull it up sometimes.

00:38:17.000 I hated making people listen to 30 seconds of cha-cha-cha.

00:38:21.000 It was good.

00:38:22.000 I liked it.

00:38:22.000 Let people know.

00:38:23.000 A lot of people don't know. 1.00

00:38:24.000 There's a lot of shit people don't know. 1.00

00:38:27.000 You know? 1.00

00:38:27.000 There's only one way to find out. 1.00

00:38:29.000 Someone has to tell you.

00:38:29.000 I find out from commercials.

00:38:31.000 That'll help.

00:38:32.000 That'll work, you know?

00:38:33.000 I know Corona still sucks as a beer, but I like the song that you use.

00:38:37.000 Thank you.

00:38:37.000 Wow, how dare you.

00:38:38.000 Are they a sponsor?

00:38:39.000 I like a Corona with lime.

00:38:40.000 If I'm in some tropical climate and I want a beer, but I don't really want a beer.

00:38:45.000 I want a soda, but I want to stay drunk.

00:38:47.000 You know what a Moscow mule is?

00:38:48.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:38:49.000 It's some drink, but there was a surplus of copper at the time, so the guy, in order to get rid of copper, said, oh, you have to drink it out of a copper cup, and it was just a big ruse, and now copper, it's going to be in a copper cup, and I don't know how they did that with Corona and a lime.

00:39:06.000 Oh, no, you put a lime in this beer. 0.70

00:39:08.000 Yeah, that's true, right?

00:39:09.000 Why does it have a lime?

00:39:10.000 Every now and then, someone sticks a lime in a Dos Equis, and you're like, what?

00:39:13.000 What?

00:39:15.000 Like, what is this?

00:39:16.000 What is this?

00:39:17.000 Wow, you've become judgmental in your whole beer drinking years.

00:39:21.000 Yeah, I get weird.

00:39:23.000 You know, I get weird when it comes to drinks.

00:39:25.000 But Corona's not a bad beer.

00:39:27.000 It's just not a strong beer.

00:39:29.000 It's fine. 1.00

00:39:30.000 When I'm in a place that's dark, I like to drink real shit. 0.99

00:39:34.000 I like to drink like an IPA or a Guinness or Jack Daniels. 0.99

00:39:38.000 That's what I like to drink in a dark... 0.93

00:39:40.000 I like a dark wood environment with some shitty neon lights. 0.98

00:39:46.000 Your studio is a great dark... 0.92

00:39:48.000 This is a bar that I would go to.

00:39:51.000 I would go to here.

00:39:52.000 Dark, hardwood bar.

00:39:54.000 It's a little bright.

00:39:55.000 I'd be like, it's kind of annoying in this place.

00:39:57.000 If, like, you know, cameras weren't on, we'd considerably tone this down.

00:40:01.000 Well, for day drinking, this is...

00:40:02.000 No, if you came out of that bright sunlight...

00:40:04.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:05.000 This would be calmer.

00:40:06.000 You came into this, you go, oh, brick...

00:40:08.000 Especially if it's hot outside, which by the way, it might get hot here any minute now. 0.91

00:40:11.000 There is a fucking fire in Ventura, and the winds are insane right now, and the fire through Ventura is just tearing things apart. 0.86

00:40:19.000 I've got the alert on my phone and the Uber drive over. 0.99

00:40:23.000 Be careful.

00:40:24.000 Warning, warning.

00:40:25.000 It's bad, man.

00:40:26.000 I mean, it is bad. 0.62

00:40:27.000 And it scares the shit out of me.

00:40:29.000 You have kids somewhere. 0.72

00:40:31.000 Yes, there's that, for sure.

00:40:33.000 But what scares the shit out of me is that in the short term, I think most people are going to get out of there if they prepare and move accordingly.

00:40:42.000 But you've got to realize what this is.

00:40:45.000 This is something that when you get a fire this size, it's burned.

00:40:49.000 Back that up a little bit so you can get the numbers.

00:40:51.000 Just in today, it's burned 45,000 acres, destroyed at least 150 structures, and forced 27,000 people to evacuate.

00:41:02.000 And they can't stop it.

00:41:03.000 They don't have enough manpower. 0.98

00:41:04.000 When something is this big and it's this strong and the winds are this fucking crazy, you look at how those trees are blowing over sideways and these fucking houses are up in flames. 0.97

00:41:16.000 How do they even have enough water? 0.98

00:41:18.000 I have no idea.

00:41:19.000 Where I live.

00:41:20.000 City Hall just burned down.

00:41:22.000 The City Hall building and just them putting the fire out, everyone's water went out.

00:41:28.000 There was not enough water.

00:41:29.000 You couldn't turn on your taps because they used it all to put out City Hall.

00:41:33.000 I wonder if there's like a chart where you could see, where you could go back to 9-11 and then post 9-11, how many women got impregnated by firefighters?

00:41:42.000 Like how many...

00:41:43.000 Because remember when firefighters, like after 9-11, remember they were real heroes?

00:41:47.000 Yeah, I know.

00:41:47.000 People have kind of like taken them for granted until they do something to actually save your house.

00:41:50.000 I used to do that bit about after 9-11, firefighters and cops were getting so much hero pussy, they were launching it like a rotted octopus out of... 0.98

00:42:03.000 What do you call those? 0.99

00:42:04.000 Slingshots?

00:42:05.000 They'd have to swat them down with tennis rackets. 1.00

00:42:07.000 I had this whole bit about hero pussy. 1.00

00:42:10.000 So true, right? 1.00

00:42:11.000 Yeah.

00:42:13.000 Well, then the war came, and that was, I think, the bit. 0.94

00:42:16.000 All the troops are getting the hero pussy that 9-11 first responders used to get, and now they're just hanging around bars going, remember me? 0.98

00:42:26.000 Yeah, man. 0.88

00:42:28.000 Do you know, Google has this crazy thing on its phone that I was paying attention to recently, where you say something, like, hello, my name is Doug Stanhope, and then it translates it out loud to someone else, like through your phone.

00:42:40.000 They talk to your phone, and they'll say, you know, and they go through the thing, it translates it, and then it changes it in your ear to what English is, the English version of that.

00:42:52.000 Babblefish.

00:42:53.000 What's it called, Babblefish?

00:42:54.000 No, but that's what it was on the Hitchhiker's Gate of the Galaxy.

00:42:58.000 Oh, okay.

00:42:59.000 So, Applefish.

00:43:00.000 Yeah.

00:43:01.000 I saw this.

00:43:03.000 It's a new feature on this phone called the Google Pixel.

00:43:06.000 And I said, I don't think people...

00:43:08.000 And you have to have these Pixel earbuds that do it.

00:43:10.000 Or you can actually do it through the phone, I think, without the earbuds.

00:43:13.000 But...

00:43:13.000 I don't think people understand how crazy this is.

00:43:16.000 They're just starting this thing out.

00:43:18.000 It used to be you couldn't really talk to your phone.

00:43:20.000 Now you could do a Google search by just pressing that speaker button and say, who is Brian Hennigan?

00:43:25.000 And then it will boop! 0.96

00:43:27.000 In seconds, it'll pull up your Wikipedia, who is Doug Stanhope, in seconds. 0.99

00:43:33.000 If they can do this thing right, we're going to have a thing in our ear, like a little earbud, and you're going to be able to talk to people all over the fucking planet. 0.94

00:43:41.000 It's going to get super strange. 0.97

00:43:43.000 People that speak Arabic languages, people in South America...

00:43:51.000 So many of these technological advances, I think about you and your bits back in the day.

00:43:58.000 Why do they have all these things on the cell phone that replace what a cell phone is?

00:44:03.000 Yeah, well, the idea was like, why are you making me read?

00:44:06.000 Yeah, text me.

00:44:08.000 It takes me four buttons to make an S. Call me.

00:44:11.000 Just call me.

00:44:13.000 Back then, I would have never thought that text messaging would become popular.

00:44:17.000 Like, there's a bit that you could never do today.

00:44:19.000 I could only do that bit in 2005. Yeah.

00:44:22.000 When it was real, like, people were starting to send you text messages. 0.99

00:44:25.000 Like, what the fuck is this? 1.00

00:44:26.000 You would get it on your phone and you'd go, why don't you just call me, stupid? 1.00

00:44:29.000 Why are you making me reply with my thumb? 1.00

00:44:31.000 Like, real slow and awkward.

00:44:33.000 Well, that's because it shows how much you don't really want to talk to your friends.

00:44:36.000 I don't want to have to say, hey, how you been?

00:44:39.000 What's going on?

00:44:40.000 How's the kids?

00:44:41.000 How's your sister?

00:44:42.000 I just need one simple response.

00:44:45.000 I respect Joey Diaz for that.

00:44:47.000 Joey Diaz will not do that with you.

00:44:48.000 And I think he's right.

00:44:49.000 I've been thinking about it more and more lately.

00:44:51.000 I have these weird text message conversations with people.

00:44:54.000 I'm like...

00:44:55.000 Why am I even doing this?

00:44:56.000 I need to look at you.

00:44:57.000 You need to know I like you.

00:44:58.000 Like, we're friends. 0.99

00:44:59.000 If we're gonna socialize, don't fucking text me. 0.98

00:45:02.000 Hey, how's it going? 0.99

00:45:03.000 That's a bar conversation.

00:45:05.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:45:05.000 See me in a bar.

00:45:06.000 I don't want to sit and catch up via text.

00:45:09.000 Hey.

00:45:10.000 How about that one?

00:45:11.000 Been a long time.

00:45:12.000 Hey.

00:45:12.000 Yeah.

00:45:13.000 How about just hey?

00:45:14.000 Yeah, hey. 1.00

00:45:16.000 Fuck is this? 1.00

00:45:16.000 What are you, 12? 1.00

00:45:18.000 Your kid getting my phone? 1.00

00:45:20.000 Your kid's got my phone number, motherfucker? 1.00

00:45:21.000 What's going on? 1.00

00:45:22.000 See me in a bar and then sit down and say, hey.

00:45:26.000 Are you 12?

00:45:26.000 And I'll go, what?

00:45:27.000 Hey.

00:45:28.000 Hi.

00:45:29.000 You can say that to your friend.

00:45:30.000 Like, hey.

00:45:31.000 Hey.

00:45:33.000 Usually that's the extent of what I have to say anyway.

00:45:36.000 You got it all out of the way.

00:45:37.000 High five.

00:45:38.000 You can't high five on text, but you probably have an emoji.

00:45:42.000 You can't hey on text.

00:45:43.000 You know what you definitely can't do?

00:45:44.000 You can't yo. 1.00

00:45:45.000 You lazy fuck. 1.00

00:45:47.000 You want to talk? 1.00

00:45:48.000 You ain't got shit to say. 1.00

00:45:49.000 Yo. 0.98

00:45:52.000 I need affirmation that we're still friends.

00:45:55.000 It's kind of part of the business.

00:45:56.000 We're not going to be close friends over a quarter of a century just because of text messaging.

00:46:02.000 I don't live in your town.

00:46:04.000 You're going to lose brownie points if you just type yo.

00:46:07.000 You're going to have to have, like, yo, are we still having lunch?

00:46:12.000 Yo, are we going to the game?

00:46:15.000 Yeah, I texted you a week ago, hey, what time are we doing that podcast? 0.53

00:46:19.000 Because he's supposed to set up other shit around it, but I've said in parentheses that I don't want to do.

00:46:25.000 So I'm glad you didn't get back to me. 0.54

00:46:27.000 I'm so glad I helped you.

00:46:29.000 Yes, you did.

00:46:30.000 Am I procrastinating?

00:46:32.000 Rogan's podcasts are like nine hours, and we're not going to be able to fill other ones in.

00:46:36.000 It's unfortunate.

00:46:37.000 But what is fortunate is, this is not fame.

00:46:40.000 It's available right now, ladies and gentlemen.

00:46:42.000 Joe Rogan's stories are in there.

00:46:43.000 Oh, beautiful.

00:46:44.000 It has an index. 0.99

00:46:45.000 I do have a lot of fucking name drops in there. 0.98

00:46:48.000 We had some good times. 0.98

00:46:50.000 You know, the story that we were talking about in question, you have to read about in the book.

00:46:54.000 But it involves Doug Stanhope and I in the desert, the day of the war.

00:47:00.000 I'm sure we've talked about it on the podcast.

00:47:02.000 Yeah.

00:47:02.000 I know we have.

00:47:03.000 Too many times, bro.

00:47:04.000 And then afterwards, going to that Lakers game a few days later.

00:47:08.000 Yeah, that was a weird one, right?

00:47:09.000 Yeah.

00:47:10.000 In the height of 9-11, patriotic fever.

00:47:14.000 I was like, this is nuts.

00:47:15.000 You guys are going crazy.

00:47:16.000 Like, you're standing up for a basketball game.

00:47:18.000 This is, I remember when you picked me up at Curzon for that game, you had a, I don't know, an SUV of some kind.

00:47:27.000 It was probably a Suburban.

00:47:28.000 Was that the one I was pissing out the door?

00:47:29.000 I think it was a Yukon Denali.

00:47:30.000 Yeah, I had a white Yukon Denali, and you were pissing out the door while we were high on mushrooms, going 65 miles an hour down the highway.

00:47:37.000 Doug's got the door open, and he's like pissing out the door.

00:47:40.000 He probably pissed all over my truck.

00:47:42.000 But this is as the war is kicking off.

00:47:44.000 That's 2003, I believe.

00:47:46.000 Yeah, we saw the war.

00:47:47.000 We saw the war kick off.

00:47:50.000 Like it was the Super Bowl.

00:47:51.000 Like it was planned.

00:47:52.000 I spell all this out.

00:47:54.000 But you said it.

00:47:55.000 I remember you said it.

00:47:56.000 You said, oh my god, there's a kickoff.

00:47:59.000 We were...

00:47:59.000 This is how ahead of the curve Joe Rogan was with technology.

00:48:04.000 Because when you picked me up in that, that's the first time I heard GPS say...

00:48:09.000 In 400 feet, take a right onto the 101. And also, you had cell phone video because you videotaped me pissing out your door.

00:48:18.000 Yeah, I did.

00:48:19.000 That's 2003!

00:48:19.000 That was 2003. You know the best picture I ever took on my cell phone?

00:48:23.000 This is like affirmed the need to have a camera on you at all times. 0.99

00:48:26.000 I was in downtown LA and there was this overweight black hooker with a crazy wig on and sunglasses and she was eating a meatball sub. 1.00

00:48:37.000 And I looked over, and she goes, Hey, baby! 0.99

00:48:39.000 And she pulls her tit out, and she's got her tit in one hand, and I took a picture of this. 0.75

00:48:44.000 See if you can find that. 0.95

00:48:46.000 I know it's out there.

00:48:47.000 I know it's out there.

00:48:48.000 I couldn't...

00:48:49.000 It looked so amazing.

00:48:50.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:48:52.000 And I took it with one of those Motorola flip phones back in 2000. Because we were filming Fear Factor, downtown LA. And this lady was walking around with her tit out. 1.00

00:48:59.000 I was like, this is hilarious.

00:49:00.000 She was smiling at me, like laughing.

00:49:02.000 And I took a picture of her with her tit out, and...

00:49:06.000 To me, to this day, it's like, now I know why I love technology.

00:49:10.000 Back then they wouldn't even know that you're taking a picture.

00:49:12.000 Nobody knew anything.

00:49:14.000 Nobody knew anything.

00:49:14.000 It was like, to think that just a few years later the iPhone would come out, you know?

00:49:19.000 2007 the iPhone comes out, and now you can't imagine anybody not having one of your things.

00:49:25.000 If you're around someone and they don't have a smartphone, you look at it like they're some kind of freak.

00:49:31.000 Becker is the only one.

00:49:32.000 Matt Becker, my oldest, best friend from forever, still doesn't have a cell phone.

00:49:37.000 Yeah, my friend Steve doesn't have a phone. 0.99

00:49:39.000 His wife fucking hates it. 1.00

00:49:40.000 There it is. 1.00

00:49:40.000 That's the picture. 1.00

00:49:41.000 That's a real picture.

00:49:42.000 Please take a screenshot of that and save it for me because I keep losing it.

00:49:46.000 Why do you say that's a wig?

00:49:47.000 That makes me so happy.

00:49:51.000 But come on, son.

00:49:52.000 Look at that picture.

00:49:53.000 She's enormous.

00:49:54.000 She's got a meatball sub in her hand.

00:49:56.000 It's the perfect picture.

00:49:58.000 Jamie, I want you to order up a large HD version of this.

00:50:03.000 Have some scientist convert that.

00:50:04.000 We're going to make a poster out of that.

00:50:06.000 That needs to be on the wall.

00:50:07.000 100%.

00:50:08.000 At least a meme.

00:50:08.000 I can't put it on YouTube, by the way.

00:50:09.000 If nothing else, a meme.

00:50:10.000 No, don't put it on YouTube.

00:50:11.000 But you've got to remind me of this.

00:50:14.000 Get the crew on it.

00:50:16.000 We need that photo on our wall.

00:50:18.000 That's one of my happiest moments. 0.99

00:50:21.000 I swear to God, I went back to work, I was fucking howling laughing. 0.98

00:50:24.000 Because that lady was funny. 1.00

00:50:26.000 She looked at me, she went, you want some of this? 0.68

00:50:28.000 And she pulls her tit out, and then she smiles and starts laughing at me. 1.00

00:50:31.000 All the while she's eating a meatball sub.

00:50:34.000 That's a great picture.

00:50:35.000 It's a beautiful person.

00:50:36.000 She's palming that sub like it's a 45 in an Old West shootout. 1.00

00:50:41.000 And God help her tit. 1.00

00:50:44.000 The way she's got a death grip on that tit, it's like she's got some sort of a cobra choke on it. 1.00

00:50:49.000 Yeah, that's how I have to choke my dick to keep it up when I'm drunk. 1.00

00:50:54.000 You get the, almost like you're holding a pool cue, like you're making a bridge, you're pinching down on your dick. 1.00

00:51:01.000 Ah, you fucker, you stay hard. 1.00

00:51:04.000 You fight the booze. 1.00

00:51:06.000 Fight the booze, Mr. Penis. 1.00

00:51:08.000 Yeah, that's a great picture, though. 1.00

00:51:10.000 That's an important moment for me.

00:51:11.000 Because I'm like, okay, now I know why I'm into this stuff.

00:51:13.000 It was so I could capture that picture.

00:51:15.000 I was happy for days.

00:51:17.000 I remember looking at it going, that's real!

00:51:19.000 Like, I always see those.

00:51:20.000 You see those crazy pictures online?

00:51:22.000 You're like, who took that?

00:51:23.000 What happened?

00:51:24.000 But I took that.

00:51:25.000 I was there.

00:51:26.000 Like, that was real.

00:51:27.000 Like, it was real.

00:51:27.000 I didn't pay that lady.

00:51:29.000 It just happened to be.

00:51:30.000 I said hi to her.

00:51:31.000 I had my phone out. 0.96

00:51:32.000 And she looked at me and pulled her tit out. 1.00

00:51:35.000 And I hit the camera button and I got it.

00:51:37.000 It's like, it wasn't supposed to happen.

00:51:43.000 That is your sailor kissing the girl in Times Square.

00:51:47.000 Thank you.

00:51:48.000 Thank you, Mr. Hennigan.

00:51:49.000 You're right.

00:51:50.000 Planting the flag at Iwo Jima.

00:51:52.000 Thank you.

00:51:53.000 Thank you.

00:51:53.000 I'll accept that.

00:51:54.000 I feel like it's my magnum opus.

00:51:58.000 I'm not joking.

00:51:59.000 It might have been the best thing I've ever done.

00:52:00.000 Rogan needs a cocktail.

00:52:02.000 I got ice right here.

00:52:03.000 I don't like that that lady is doing that for a living. 1.00

00:52:06.000 I don't.

00:52:07.000 She's not doing it for a living anymore. 1.00

00:52:09.000 Probably dead.

00:52:09.000 But I wish her prosperity and happiness, and I hope she found Jesus the next moment after I took that picture.

00:52:16.000 But...

00:52:17.000 You can't fix everybody. 0.86

00:52:19.000 Sometimes you just gotta let people be crazy.

00:52:21.000 I remember several people, women of a certain age or look, where they go, yeah, what else am I gonna do? 1.00

00:52:31.000 I'm gonna suck dicks for a living, I'm gonna go out on the street, and you go, you couldn't. 0.99

00:52:38.000 No one's... 1.00

00:52:39.000 But then you watch like Cops or something where you see a lady like that that's getting caught in a pickup truck sucking some old dude's dick and you go, I guess you could. 1.00

00:52:48.000 If she could, you could. 1.00

00:52:50.000 You could.

00:52:51.000 She's empowering to women is what I'm saying.

00:52:54.000 It entirely depends with the male on how horny you are. 1.00

00:52:59.000 Because if you're crazy horny... 0.89

00:53:01.000 I've done some bad things. 0.98

00:53:02.000 We'll do some terrible things.

00:53:04.000 We're monsters.

00:53:05.000 Bad things.

00:53:05.000 Bad, bad animals.

00:53:06.000 It's a bad design. 0.98

00:53:08.000 The design where you have to get rid of cum all the time is a terrible design. 0.92

00:53:13.000 It would be way better if it was like tears. 0.67

00:53:15.000 I do quote you a lot.

00:53:16.000 It's an old bit of yours that I quote a lot.

00:53:18.000 Is your post-cum depression?

00:53:21.000 Is that how it goes?

00:53:22.000 Post-nut depression.

00:53:23.000 Yeah.

00:53:24.000 That feeling that...

00:53:25.000 Which is so...

00:53:27.000 I really believed I liked her.

00:53:30.000 Yes.

00:53:30.000 Yeah.

00:53:31.000 It wasn't until, and as the semen is rifling out of you, you go, oh, oh, I misled her. 1.00

00:53:40.000 I know. 0.92

00:53:40.000 Oh, my God. 0.92

00:53:41.000 I misled myself.

00:53:42.000 Which, that's where you get scared with the Me Too thing.

00:53:47.000 Hmm. 0.99

00:53:48.000 I know I didn't rape anyone, but how many times might I have led a woman astray with promises of everlasting love and harmony just because I was drunk and wanted to fuck her and then didn't call. 0.99

00:54:03.000 I was inappropriate afterwards. 0.98

00:54:05.000 I didn't do the, hey, I don't think we're right for each other.

00:54:09.000 And she's stewing about it somewhere.

00:54:13.000 You can't me too me.

00:54:16.000 Yeah, it definitely can happen like that, right?

00:54:18.000 It's like you've got to leave room for all possibilities.

00:54:21.000 Because I think that to trust everyone that comes forward with a story, you shouldn't.

00:54:29.000 But you should be open-minded about all the points of view.

00:54:32.000 I'd hate to see...

00:54:35.000 Someone get in trouble for something they didn't do because they dated a gal and she hated them and so she made up some stuff and this has happened before.

00:54:44.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:54:45.000 Let me give you an example.

00:54:48.000 We should clarify because this is a touchy subject.

00:54:51.000 I know you're not a sexist by any stretch of the imagination.

00:54:55.000 In support of the Alleged witch hunt because it is making people who are serious abusers and there's one I fucking want to out but I I don't know you don't have to but no I'm not going to but you know that it's real and then you know that people in positions of power like that who have people working under them or dependent upon them in that way they will prey on them and do weird shit to them and they've been doing it forever because they can get away with it and that seems to be like That seems to be how this town, 0.83

00:55:23.000 in a lot of ways, was designed.

00:55:25.000 It's how the whole porn industry was set up.

00:55:28.000 But you have to...

00:55:30.000 There's a willingness on both sides, hopefully. 1.00

00:55:34.000 Well, I think that there's a lot of girls that will fuck you for a part. 1.00

00:55:38.000 I don't think it's that. 0.99

00:55:39.000 See, that's not the thing.

00:55:40.000 It's not like...

00:55:41.000 Again, there's a million...

00:55:43.000 The Me Too encapsulates a lot of different...

00:55:50.000 Stages of sexual abuse, variances.

00:55:54.000 I always like to think of it, I have a sister-mother rule.

00:55:58.000 Especially as I've gotten older.

00:56:00.000 I've thought about this for so long.

00:56:02.000 And I feel like you have to treat every...

00:56:06.000 You have to look at every situation like, what would that be like if I found out that happened to my mother?

00:56:13.000 What would that be like if I found out that happened to my sister?

00:56:16.000 If you go to children, then it gets really crazy and you get super psychotic because you're protective as well.

00:56:23.000 Although I'm very protective of my sister.

00:56:26.000 You gotta almost look at it like that, and I don't think we get taught that enough. 0.95

00:56:30.000 You know, I think it takes us a long time of living as an adult to sort of figure out, like, who's the dick here? 0.96

00:56:36.000 Is it me or is it them? 0.98

00:56:37.000 Am I making bad choices?

00:56:39.000 Am I arguing with people and getting these weird relationships with people that I really don't belong with in the first place? 0.99

00:56:44.000 Maybe I need to figure out who the fuck I am before I do this? 0.76

00:56:47.000 Like, there's all these different things that happen. 0.99

00:56:49.000 In a relationship.

00:56:50.000 And a lot of times, along the way, people get into some, you know, some weird spaces in their life, you know?

00:56:58.000 Man Show, the secretary that we had, you weren't around for a lot of it, because you were doing Fear Factor 14 hours a day, then Man Show for four hours, then you'd do an hour at the comedy store, and you'd sleep for 30 minutes.

00:57:13.000 About her.

00:57:14.000 But no, we...

00:57:14.000 But I know what you're going to say.

00:57:15.000 I'm just...

00:57:16.000 Like, the amount that we abused her on what we would think is a comedy level. 0.96

00:57:21.000 Me and Andy, not you.

00:57:23.000 You weren't there. 1.00

00:57:24.000 But we would fuck with her. 1.00

00:57:26.000 But she would do it back to you guys, too. 1.00

00:57:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:28.000 But if it was on paper...

00:57:29.000 But if she had a change of heart right now and said, oh...

00:57:34.000 I want to be part of the Me Too thing and here's my story because I want to be noticed.

00:57:38.000 You can't do it to me because I'm not famous, fortunately.

00:57:42.000 Do you think this is one of those, like, swing one way and then swing back and normalize things?

00:57:47.000 Or do you think that this...

00:57:48.000 But I think it might be.

00:57:50.000 But as time goes on, I wonder...

00:57:54.000 And this is not saying anything in any way.

00:58:00.000 I don't want to be judgmental.

00:58:02.000 But I have a weird idea that men and women, when they're working together in small boxes for long periods of time, year on year, that becomes their environment.

00:58:12.000 And that becomes the way they think about the outside world.

00:58:15.000 As it does with us.

00:58:17.000 This is really important because in comedy, the man show, remember we had to do sexual harassment training?

00:58:24.000 Yeah.

00:58:25.000 For a show that's basically about sexual harassment?

00:58:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:30.000 Yeah, we think that we can get away with all this shit. 0.99

00:58:33.000 So I find myself extrapolating that on people that are in a workplace. 1.00

00:58:38.000 I don't know what it's like to work in an office where the boss says, hey, you can move up to assistant regional director if you watch me jerk off. 0.96

00:58:47.000 I know. 0.89

00:58:48.000 That's a different kind of...

00:58:48.000 It's a different thing, and that's a real problem.

00:58:51.000 It's a real fucking problem. 0.98

00:58:52.000 And the Man Show is the only time I've kind of hit, like, the... 0.99

00:58:55.000 The corporate world.

00:58:56.000 Cross corners of comedy meets corporate, where, yeah, someone might be.

00:59:01.000 The story I have in here that...

00:59:03.000 I couldn't have known when we turned this book in, final draft, that this current climate would exist.

00:59:10.000 So there's a bunch of stories where...

00:59:14.000 Do you remember Man Dick?

00:59:16.000 Yeah.

00:59:17.000 What was that?

00:59:17.000 Mandic, he was like an assistant producer-director guy.

00:59:20.000 He was one that we all fucking hated. 1.00

00:59:23.000 He was just a ruthless douche. 0.99

00:59:26.000 And then when we went up to, this is the story that's in the book, at the Bunny Ranch.

00:59:31.000 And Dennis Hoff tells us both, hey, you can have one of my girls on the house. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Carrot Top has fucked my girls, so-and-so has fucked my girls, and Rogan's like, uh, first of all, not only am I married, but I wouldn't want to be in that litany of names that you dropped that have other celebrities that have fucked your hookers. 0.99

00:59:50.000 He's like, no, no, I wouldn't drop your name. 1.00

00:59:52.000 We played Pretty Women. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Remember that?

00:59:54.000 Pretty Woman?

00:59:55.000 For those, the ladies that worked there, remember that? 0.98

00:59:58.000 Oh, that was the gag we did for you.

01:00:00.000 No, I don't remember anything we did on the man show.

01:00:03.000 It was weird.

01:00:04.000 It bummed me out because they were crying and some of them were saying that they wished that that had been the case and that someone would come and rescue them. 0.98

01:00:14.000 I was like, God damn it. 0.96

01:00:16.000 This isn't funny. 0.99

01:00:17.000 Yeah, it took a turn.

01:00:18.000 I remember it now that you say it.

01:00:21.000 Dude, for me, man, I was like, oh, God.

01:00:25.000 I've adopted a lot of dogs in my life.

01:00:28.000 And I've taken on a lot of friend projects, especially when I was young, that enough things have happened that lead me to believe that I have a lot of rescue and parenting type feelings about nurturing people that feel like they're in danger by themselves.

01:00:45.000 I'm very vulnerable.

01:00:46.000 So when I see something like that, I'm like, oh, Christ.

01:00:51.000 You don't really realize, because you don't see their lives on a daily basis, but you realize in that moment, you're like, oh, this isn't funny at all.

01:01:00.000 You think things are funny on paper.

01:01:05.000 You think, oh, this is going to be funny. 0.96

01:01:06.000 We'll show a bunch of prostitutes a video about A lady who was a prostitute met the perfect guy and they fell in love. 1.00

01:01:17.000 And it worked out. 0.95

01:01:19.000 He rescued her. 1.00

01:01:21.000 Man dick! 1.00

01:01:22.000 I don't remember that. 0.99

01:01:24.000 He was a...

01:01:25.000 An assistant.

01:01:26.000 He was in charge enough that he...

01:01:29.000 Absolute power corrupts absolutely. 0.99

01:01:32.000 Well, he wasn't absolutely powerful, but he was absolutely fucking annoying. 0.91

01:01:36.000 And we didn't like him, but I still have this offer on the table. 0.97

01:01:40.000 They're wrapping up the shoot the last night.

01:01:42.000 They're picking up all the equipment.

01:01:44.000 I'm talking to Air Force Amy, who's this veteran, hilarious hooker that's been up there. 1.00

01:01:49.000 Yeah, she fucking carried me through that whole thing. 0.99

01:01:52.000 We'd just sit and drink at the bar and laugh at everything inappropriate and talk shit. 0.99

01:01:58.000 And I go, hey, we get this freebie from Dennis Hoff. 1.00

01:02:01.000 I know he's going to have to pay you, so how about I just jerk off in front of you while you dildo yourself. 1.00

01:02:08.000 You get paid. 1.00

01:02:09.000 We come back to the bar.

01:02:10.000 Yeah, great! 0.99

01:02:13.000 She's dildoing herself. 1.00

01:02:14.000 I jerk off. 1.00

01:02:15.000 I come out of the room, which is right around the corner from the bar. 0.99

01:02:19.000 I'm covered in a t-shirt with my own jizz.

01:02:22.000 All I need to do is wait to find wardrobe. 0.93

01:02:24.000 I get a new t-shirt.

01:02:25.000 I walk out.

01:02:27.000 This guy that we hate is wrapping up.

01:02:30.000 He's walking up the stairs as I'm walking down the few stairs to the bar.

01:02:34.000 And I go, man, Dick, great shoot.

01:02:36.000 Good hair. 0.99

01:02:37.000 Fucking hug it in. 0.99

01:02:38.000 And I hug him in front of all these people at the bar who know I just jerked off all over myself. 0.99

01:02:43.000 And I'm smearing it into a... 0.91

01:02:45.000 This is probably illegal.

01:02:47.000 Yeah.

01:02:48.000 That's a me too.

01:02:49.000 That's a me too.

01:02:50.000 That guy's from the corporate world. 0.99

01:02:52.000 I smeared him with jizz to humiliate him. 0.99

01:02:55.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:02:55.000 How fucking wrong could I... It's terrible. 1.00

01:02:58.000 I should be completely outed for that.

01:03:01.000 I hope you made this up.

01:03:01.000 It's in the book.

01:03:03.000 But I hope it's fiction.

01:03:04.000 I'm selling a whole book of hashtag me first, not me too.

01:03:07.000 Ah, interesting.

01:03:10.000 I want to say that this last piece by Mr. Douglas Danhoff was fiction.

01:03:15.000 Well, I had to change his name, but it was a nickname.

01:03:18.000 Man Dick.

01:03:18.000 Jamie was telling me that Trump's lawyer said that he tweeted for Trump.

01:03:22.000 Trump said something that was fucked up. 0.98

01:03:24.000 Trump's lawyer was like, no, no, no. 0.99

01:03:25.000 I tweeted that one for him.

01:03:27.000 Oh! 0.60

01:03:28.000 Alright, I've been getting a lot of tweets that say, hey, my lawyer wrote that.

01:03:32.000 And I'm like, I didn't know what it meant.

01:03:33.000 That's what that is.

01:03:34.000 Come on. 0.98

01:03:34.000 How fucking funny is that? 0.98

01:03:36.000 I have a whole chapter about pulling my dick out. 1.00

01:03:38.000 I used to do that all the time. 1.00

01:03:40.000 I'd go on stage naked or pull my dick out all the time. 0.99

01:03:42.000 I remember those days. 1.00

01:03:44.000 The dark days in lore.

01:03:45.000 I was thinner then. 1.00

01:03:48.000 You can pull your dick out today. 1.00

01:03:49.000 I just have a different meaning. 1.00

01:03:50.000 I gave him a bunch of pictures. 0.99

01:03:51.000 Hennigan here, the Scotsman, I pulled my dick out in front of Bert Kreischer on a podcast two nights ago. 0.99

01:03:57.000 He's used to it. 0.99

01:03:58.000 I can't remember why. 1.00

01:03:59.000 We were so fucked. 0.99

01:04:00.000 I've been begging him not to air it because I don't know what I said. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Bert's seen Ari's dick about a hundred times. 0.99

01:04:06.000 Well, so for the book, I sent a bunch of pictures with Hennigan to pick and choose, and then they took all these dick pics of me in public. 0.99

01:04:14.000 I'm like, you can't have all the picture sections, just my dick. 0.99

01:04:16.000 So I had to decide. 0.97

01:04:18.000 So this one, I decided on this not having any idea.

01:04:21.000 It could be so perfectly timed. 0.99

01:04:23.000 The top one is me with my dick out in a kilt in front of a blind guy at karaoke while he's singing, having no idea. 1.00

01:04:30.000 But the one below it is me starting to pull my dick out in front of Louis C.K. I jerk off in front of the abusers. 1.00

01:04:40.000 Wow. 1.00

01:04:41.000 Dude, you're fighting crime.

01:04:42.000 I didn't have to block the door.

01:04:45.000 He didn't block the door, folks, by the way.

01:04:47.000 That's not real, apparently.

01:04:49.000 That's like something that gets passed on, like an urban myth that juices up the story.

01:04:53.000 I'm saving this for tomorrow.

01:04:55.000 I'm doing Dork Forest with Jackie Cation and Laurie Kilmartin.

01:04:59.000 So I'm saving the bulk of my Louis C.K. for that, just because they're ladies. 1.00

01:05:05.000 I want their fucking solid opinion. 0.99

01:05:08.000 But I... I have to make this so spacious time-wise because I don't want to out the person, but I was doing comedy and I was a comedian I knew back in the day when we were young in another millennium. 0.98

01:05:27.000 Just blame it on Ralphie.

01:05:28.000 She said, you're never going to guess what I just did.

01:05:30.000 I just watched Louis C.K. jerk off in the ladies room. 1.00

01:05:34.000 And I went, what? 0.95

01:05:35.000 She goes, yeah.

01:05:36.000 I said, hey, would you?

01:05:37.000 And she's like, I don't care.

01:05:38.000 And as we've caught up Many, many years later, she goes, yeah, I just did it because it was funny.

01:05:45.000 I really, I did it because it was a story to tell.

01:05:49.000 Right.

01:05:49.000 And I said, are you coming forward?

01:05:51.000 Because afterwards, when she said, when she told me that, I go, you never watched me jerk off. 0.99

01:05:56.000 You don't watch me jerk off. 1.00

01:05:57.000 I pulled my dick out and put on porn. 1.00

01:05:59.000 Right. 1.00

01:06:00.000 Did she watch you?

01:06:01.000 No, she just said, yeah, I don't care, whatever.

01:06:04.000 It's no fun if you don't watch.

01:06:06.000 The way I remember it is that she remembers me saying, if you don't like it, don't look.

01:06:10.000 Either way, it was just a goof.

01:06:12.000 I think you have to stand up, too.

01:06:14.000 I think what we should do to normalize this whole Louis C.K. thing...

01:06:17.000 Hang on, the important part of this is when I said, are you going to come out?

01:06:20.000 She can't, because she just did it because it was funny.

01:06:24.000 Right, of course.

01:06:26.000 And...

01:06:26.000 She would almost be put in a place where she would be as...

01:06:30.000 It's people like you that made him into a monster. 0.97

01:06:34.000 We're just kind of a goof back then. 0.99

01:06:36.000 No one cared.

01:06:37.000 It's only weird.

01:06:38.000 And it was very polite.

01:06:39.000 So when I heard the Louis C.K. stories later on, I just assumed it was like that.

01:06:46.000 He was very polite. 0.99

01:06:48.000 Hey, would you watch me jerk off? 0.96

01:06:50.000 Well, I had heard from someone else that had talked to someone and gotten like the story from Louie and their version of it through the grapevine. 0.99

01:06:59.000 So don't take this as like verbatim was something along the lines of no, it was just he thought it was silly to like pull his dick out and take pictures with them and then I had heard that he was saying that it wasn't he didn't actually Masturbate in front of them. 0.97

01:07:13.000 That was like one version of it. 0.98

01:07:15.000 So I was like, okay, well, maybe that was what...

01:07:17.000 And then the full story came out, and I was like, oh, okay.

01:07:21.000 And then someone had said, yeah, but he asked them first.

01:07:24.000 I was like, oh, boy.

01:07:27.000 Okay, what are we doing with this?

01:07:28.000 Another important beat is my story happened before he was in any position of power other than comics looked up to him.

01:07:37.000 He was still writing for comics that might have had some power at best.

01:07:41.000 I don't think it was a power thing necessarily.

01:07:43.000 I don't think so at all. 0.99

01:07:43.000 But if you're a man and you're alone in a room with a woman, and this is my perception of it, it's always a power thing because it's fucking weird because you can kill them. 0.99

01:07:53.000 It's different. 0.93

01:07:54.000 Like, have you ever been around like a UFC athlete, some big giant, like Francis Ngannou?

01:07:59.000 This was in a public place where you go, if this was a Tinder date, this happened in a place where you'd go, I want to meet you in public because I don't want to be...

01:08:07.000 So yeah, it was completely safe.

01:08:10.000 Yeah, but if you're alone in a room with a man It's like being and you know that a man has like some sexual urges directed towards you and you're a woman it becomes a vulnerable situation and if There's some weird shit where someone if let's just say someone was blocking the door because I had heard that Louie didn't block any doors Then it becomes really crazy.

01:08:32.000 Like what do you do?

01:08:33.000 Well, first of all, you're hearing.

01:08:35.000 Yes Yeah, well, it's also like I think The thing that people have the hardest time with all of this is you never want to think that it's possible that someone would do something horrible to somebody if you liked them.

01:08:53.000 Yeah.

01:08:53.000 Right?

01:08:54.000 Like, with all of this, whether it's Kevin Spacey or any of these people, like, maybe you like him as an actor.

01:08:58.000 I like that guy.

01:08:59.000 He's great on House of Cards. 0.99

01:09:01.000 Wait a minute, is he really just terrorizing people and grabbing dicks everywhere? 1.00

01:09:05.000 Shit. 1.00

01:09:06.000 Yeah, I do that all the time. 1.00

01:09:07.000 He makes the people around him?

01:09:08.000 I do, too.

01:09:09.000 I do, too. 1.00

01:09:09.000 Fucking grab asses and dicks. 1.00

01:09:11.000 Oh, that's not what I do. 1.00

01:09:12.000 Oh, no.

01:09:13.000 I think about it that way.

01:09:14.000 At my house.

01:09:16.000 Oh, when you guys were joking around?

01:09:17.000 Yeah, we had a party the other night.

01:09:18.000 I go, who have I not groped inappropriately?

01:09:22.000 Okay, wait.

01:09:23.000 Gil, I haven't done it to you. 1.00

01:09:24.000 And I grabbed his dick just to make sure we're all fucking good. 0.99

01:09:27.000 You never groped me. 1.00

01:09:28.000 I'm starting to feel a little left out.

01:09:29.000 I don't think nothing. 0.99

01:09:30.000 I don't even think you've ever gone for my butt. 0.98

01:09:33.000 I'm... 0.98

01:09:33.000 I might have ogled it from afar. 0.98

01:09:35.000 I think you might have spanked me once. 0.88

01:09:37.000 But the point being, it's like, come on.

01:09:41.000 People have to figure out some way to interface with each other 100% of the time as equal. 1.00

01:09:47.000 And just work on your own bullshit. 0.99

01:09:49.000 But the way you talk to people. 1.00

01:09:50.000 Somebody brought this up once that they had an issue with a lot of this stuff.

01:09:54.000 Is that it's someone in the same business that's in this position of being a great artist, like a Kevin Spacey type character or whatever.

01:10:03.000 And then the other person is like a PA or something like that.

01:10:06.000 And he preys on them.

01:10:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:08.000 And it's his show and they can't get away and he's like attacking them and they're straight and he's gay. 0.99

01:10:12.000 Absolutely understood.

01:10:14.000 I know that.

01:10:15.000 100%.

01:10:15.000 I think that's some weird almost like reptilian instinct that humans have.

01:10:22.000 I can't tell you how many times we've had to because you know my audience.

01:10:26.000 Mm-hmm.

01:10:27.000 We're good to go.

01:11:08.000 BAM! It hurts her. 1.00

01:11:12.000 But if you get picked up, if you're hitchhiking, and you get picked up by six chicks who decide to blow you and film it and put it on the internet, and you're cracking jokes and pitching your book, you're holding your book while some chick is sucking your dick, you're a king. 1.00

01:11:25.000 You're a goddamn king. 1.00

01:11:26.000 People will worship you. 1.00

01:11:28.000 They'll throw a red carpet down in front of your van as you get out and bow to you as you climb out.

01:11:33.000 That's another huge issue is how we treat women being able to guide their own... 1.00

01:11:39.000 Sexuality.

01:11:40.000 Yeah.

01:11:40.000 That's a big part of what's going on here.

01:11:42.000 You raise your daughters in a different way than you raise your sons. 1.00

01:11:45.000 And that's why it's okay for a teacher to fuck a boy kid. 1.00

01:11:50.000 Right. 1.00

01:11:50.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:11:51.000 And it is, by the way.

01:11:52.000 I won't even say a word.

01:11:54.000 They should be treated the same.

01:11:56.000 You should raise your kids to know about sex. 1.00

01:11:59.000 You know what?

01:12:00.000 If you raised your daughter right...

01:12:02.000 It's a woman.

01:12:02.000 I should say this.

01:12:03.000 As long as it's a woman. 1.00

01:12:04.000 If you raised your daughter with the same openness that you raised your son, she'd know not to fuck a 35-year-old soccer coach when she's 15. Because you were open, you told her, here's the pitfalls of life, this is what it's about. 0.99

01:12:19.000 Guys are gonna try to fuck you. 1.00

01:12:20.000 You don't. 1.00

01:12:21.000 You coddle women, and I believe it's as much a parenting problem as anything else. 1.00

01:12:27.000 It really is fucking fascinating that you would have no problem if a really hot teacher fucked your 16-year-old son. 1.00

01:12:34.000 If a really hot woman teacher, built like Pamela Anderson back in the Baywatch days, if somehow... 1.00

01:12:41.000 Ugly teacher! 1.00

01:12:41.000 Ugly teacher fucks your son. 1.00

01:12:43.000 You're like, yeah, you should be a little more discriminating. 1.00

01:12:45.000 But if it was a hot one.

01:12:48.000 You have no problem with it. 1.00

01:12:49.000 Some Pamela Anderson-like gal is having sex with your 17-year-old boy, and he's got a six-pack. 1.00

01:12:55.000 Yeah! 1.00

01:12:56.000 Fuck yeah, Tommy! 1.00

01:12:57.000 You're a winner! 1.00

01:12:58.000 Yeah!

01:12:59.000 But if you reverse the genders, it's a horrific offense. 1.00

01:13:03.000 Like some handsome man has seduced your beautiful little daughter who's only 17. Fuck that. 1.00

01:13:08.000 That guy needs to be in a cage. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Weird.

01:13:11.000 That alone is like...

01:13:13.000 This is where I can't...

01:13:15.000 Extend the argument because I've never been a woman.

01:13:18.000 That's true.

01:13:19.000 And that's why I didn't mean to talk to you about that.

01:13:22.000 Saving a lot of this for when I have hosts that can come back.

01:13:27.000 Do you remember when we were going to get married?

01:13:29.000 Yeah, that was the last call I made.

01:13:32.000 I don't know if that's in the book or not.

01:13:34.000 The last call I made when we knew the man show was going to get cancelled.

01:13:38.000 I think it is in the book.

01:13:39.000 That might be in the book.

01:13:41.000 I think it is.

01:13:42.000 The last call I made, they wouldn't tell us it's canceled.

01:13:45.000 They leave you hanging on the vine.

01:13:47.000 But I was at the Atlanta Punchline and I remember being in the parking lot and Massachusetts had just passed gay marriage or civil unions.

01:13:56.000 I remember you called me up.

01:13:58.000 I called Zoe Friedman first.

01:14:00.000 Zoe Friedman was...

01:14:01.000 That's hilarious.

01:14:02.000 You called Zoe before you checked on me.

01:14:04.000 Maybe I called you first, but she's the one that counted because she was our go-to person at Comedy Central.

01:14:09.000 And I said, listen, before you cancel us, give us one last episode where Joe and I get gay married and it just goes into this montage, but it's the opposite of every marriage cliche where we're fishing together and no one's arguing.

01:14:26.000 Yeah.

01:14:27.000 No one's fighting over the remote.

01:14:29.000 We're both happy to be watching the same thing, and it's just a perfect life together.

01:14:34.000 Dude, imagine if people decide to do that.

01:14:36.000 Imagine if they had best friends get married as best friends. 0.98

01:14:39.000 It's nothing sexual.

01:14:40.000 In the contract, zero sexual obligation.

01:14:43.000 It's not sex.

01:14:44.000 It's like, we're getting married as best friends.

01:14:47.000 Like, for real?

01:14:48.000 The bros before hoes marriages. 1.00

01:14:50.000 Just stop and think about how many, not, you know, obviously not the current relationships we're involved in.

01:14:55.000 We would never go so far. 0.96

01:14:56.000 But if you go back to, like, your 20s, just imagine being stuck with some gal when you're both a goddamn wreck, right? 1.00

01:15:03.000 You're both crazy. 1.00

01:15:04.000 You're both 21 or whatever the fuck you are. 1.00

01:15:06.000 You're both completely out of your mind. 1.00

01:15:08.000 You're basically babies alone in the world. 1.00

01:15:09.000 You don't know what the fuck you're doing. 0.99

01:15:11.000 Imagine living with that gal for the rest of your life versus your friend from back then. 1.00

01:15:16.000 I'm still friends with my buddies from when I was 21. Jimmy Lawless, I talk to that dude all the time.

01:15:21.000 We text each other back and forth all the time.

01:15:23.000 I've been friends with him since I was 15 or 14. I might have been 14 when I met him.

01:15:28.000 Hey, Doug, I hate your cigarette smoke during the podcast.

01:15:31.000 I like it.

01:15:32.000 Okay, I'll put in an air purifier.

01:15:35.000 And that's the beef.

01:15:36.000 That's our marriage beef.

01:15:37.000 This is our meat.

01:15:38.000 This is something I really did.

01:15:40.000 I call it the Dice Clay option.

01:15:42.000 Because every time Dice is here, he chain smokes more than you.

01:15:45.000 And Dice just hammers.

01:15:47.000 We got an air cleaner that we would sit right behind him and turn that thing on just to suck out the cigarette smoke.

01:15:56.000 The air purifier is belching sewage by the second hour.

01:16:00.000 It's just brown tar.

01:16:02.000 He's a guy that to this day I still fanboy in front of.

01:16:05.000 I can't believe I'm friends with Dice Clay.

01:16:06.000 Like, I really can't.

01:16:07.000 Every time I see him, I'm like, what's up, Andrew?

01:16:09.000 But do you feel like you're friends with him?

01:16:11.000 Yeah, I'm friends with him.

01:16:12.000 I've only met him a few times, but I never saw, like, a human side to him.

01:16:16.000 He's always...

01:16:16.000 You can get there.

01:16:18.000 He's in character.

01:16:19.000 You can get there with him.

01:16:20.000 I don't want to.

01:16:21.000 I don't want to see him like that.

01:16:23.000 He's a good guy, man.

01:16:24.000 I don't want to see the emperor with no clothes.

01:16:26.000 No, no, no.

01:16:27.000 His clothes are still on.

01:16:28.000 I'm telling you.

01:16:28.000 It's all right.

01:16:30.000 He's just a guy that's like, you know, Dice Clay was gigantic and he got hit with the first wave of comedy haters. 0.96

01:16:39.000 Like, people don't remember, when I was 19, it was me and my girlfriend Marta, and we were parked out in front of my house, and we were listening to a Dice Clay cassette in my car, and we were fucking crying. 0.67

01:16:56.000 I mean, tears were coming down my face.

01:16:58.000 I was 19, I think she was 19 too.

01:17:00.000 We were both like, ah, ah, ah!

01:17:03.000 I had never even considered doing stand-up at this point.

01:17:06.000 Just I was dying laughing.

01:17:07.000 He's the reason I got into stand-up. 0.99

01:17:09.000 He was a monster. 0.99

01:17:10.000 He was a monster. 0.98

01:17:12.000 And he was coming off the whole wave of Paul Reiser. 0.97

01:17:18.000 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

01:17:19.000 There's no backlash.

01:17:21.000 Yes, we already noticed!

01:17:22.000 Thanks!

01:17:23.000 Did you ever notice my book? 1.00

01:17:24.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:17:25.000 Paul Reiser is amazing on Stranger Things. 1.00

01:17:28.000 He's amazing.

01:17:29.000 I don't watch it.

01:17:29.000 You should.

01:17:30.000 Fucking kids. 1.00

01:17:31.000 I hate kids. 1.00

01:17:33.000 Demogorgons. 0.98

01:17:34.000 What?

01:17:36.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:17:36.000 You have no Demogorgon knowledge, motherfucker. 1.00

01:17:39.000 You're talking at your ass. 1.00

01:17:40.000 I tried. 1.00

01:17:41.000 Jamie, tell me about Stranger Things! 1.00

01:17:43.000 I watched five minutes of the first one and I'm like, I can't watch kids and fuck it. 0.99

01:17:47.000 It looked like E.T. and fuck that. 1.00

01:17:49.000 It gets better. 1.00

01:17:50.000 It gets so good.

01:17:51.000 It's such a good show.

01:17:52.000 How dare you?

01:17:53.000 Sorry, I tried.

01:17:54.000 You and I don't agree.

01:17:54.000 I tried, I failed.

01:17:55.000 No, I'm gonna...

01:17:57.000 Hey, can you see...

01:17:58.000 I hate to use my Scotsman as an errand boy.

01:18:02.000 Is there a Coke in there?

01:18:03.000 I tried to find one, but I don't think so.

01:18:06.000 There might be some Zevias. 0.99

01:18:09.000 There might be a couple cans of Zevia. 1.00

01:18:11.000 Go in there, motherfucker. 1.00

01:18:13.000 Zevia? 1.00

01:18:13.000 That sounds like it's got fucking something in it. 1.00

01:18:16.000 No, it's okay, Brian! 0.99

01:18:17.000 He left.

01:18:18.000 I think there's like one can of Zevia.

01:18:21.000 What is Zevia?

01:18:22.000 It sounds like it has Stevia in it.

01:18:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does. 1.00

01:18:25.000 Fuck it, no way! 1.00

01:18:27.000 Can we get some cans of Coca-Cola in the future for Mr. Stanhope? 1.00

01:18:32.000 No, I brought whiskey because I assumed you wouldn't have club soda.

01:18:35.000 So I thought if I'm going to have a vodka drink, I'll just drink mimosas.

01:18:40.000 I'm fine.

01:18:41.000 That's a good move.

01:18:42.000 We can have some God for him.

01:18:43.000 No, no, I don't need it.

01:18:44.000 I just assumed everyone has...

01:18:46.000 We're trying to work our way through this whole experience here.

01:18:49.000 At this new spot.

01:18:50.000 We're not totally locked in place.

01:18:52.000 Stevia is the worst.

01:18:52.000 If you want some unhealthy options, I'll have some gluten-heavy pasta here for you as well.

01:18:57.000 I have plenty of mimosa.

01:18:59.000 I was going to change up.

01:19:00.000 I'm not going to.

01:19:02.000 Here's what we'll do.

01:19:03.000 Next time you come here, I will have my non-existent assistant send you an email with like a...

01:19:10.000 A writer?

01:19:11.000 No, you don't want to write.

01:19:11.000 Yeah, like a rider.

01:19:12.000 Like white M&M's.

01:19:13.000 No, no, no.

01:19:14.000 Let's get stevia in it. 0.99

01:19:14.000 Those stevias are good, dude. 0.99

01:19:16.000 They're good.

01:19:16.000 I'm telling you.

01:19:17.000 Just give it a chance.

01:19:17.000 No, it's awful.

01:19:19.000 No, no, no.

01:19:19.000 Fake sugar is fake sugar.

01:19:20.000 Dude, it's not.

01:19:21.000 It's a plant-based sweet.

01:19:22.000 I already poured a mimosa. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:19:24.000 I know. 1.00

01:19:24.000 Bingo takes the stevia all the fucking time. 1.00

01:19:27.000 Yeah, but these sodas are good, man. 1.00

01:19:29.000 I'm telling you.

01:19:30.000 They're really good.

01:19:31.000 They're not going to kill you.

01:19:31.000 Every fake sugar leaves such a bad taste in your mouth.

01:19:34.000 And I can't taste anything after 35 years of smoking.

01:19:38.000 It's plant.

01:19:38.000 Extracts.

01:19:39.000 It's a sweet thing that doesn't jack up your glycemic index.

01:19:43.000 It's good for you, bro.

01:19:44.000 I want you to stay alive.

01:19:46.000 Hennigan!

01:19:47.000 Did you send me just so you could talk about me?

01:19:49.000 No, no, no.

01:19:51.000 Hennigan!

01:19:51.000 He's a crafty one!

01:19:53.000 Hennigan's been dealing with subterfuge.

01:19:55.000 It's no fun talking behind your back when we can do it to your face.

01:20:01.000 One of the things I enjoy about you is you're a very self-deprecating fellow.

01:20:04.000 Who is?

01:20:05.000 You are.

01:20:06.000 You could take a good joke and you give one back.

01:20:09.000 Yes.

01:20:10.000 Cheers to that.

01:20:11.000 Thank you.

01:20:11.000 Is that a Scottish thing?

01:20:13.000 It seems a little bit more fun over there. 1.00

01:20:15.000 I would say the Scots are good at being self-deprecating and calling a cunt a cunt. 1.00

01:20:20.000 Yeah, and you're Billy Connolly. 1.00

01:20:22.000 He was like the main guy over there as far as stand-up.

01:20:25.000 And that was his whole thing.

01:20:26.000 He embodied that.

01:20:27.000 Yeah.

01:20:27.000 Just happy dude.

01:20:29.000 I think there's a big thing in Scottish society, which one of the few good things I'll say about Scottish society is it's kind of egalitarian.

01:20:36.000 And we enjoy knocking people down who think they're better than other people, including yourself. 1.00

01:20:42.000 Australians do that shit too. 1.00

01:20:44.000 They call it the tall poppy syndrome. 1.00

01:20:46.000 And Japan.

01:20:47.000 Yeah.

01:20:47.000 I think it's good, man.

01:20:49.000 Good.

01:20:49.000 You know, I mean, I think that's one of the things we're also dealing with.

01:20:52.000 Ball-busting should always be. 1.00

01:20:53.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:20:54.000 And it goes back to your thing about punching up, not down.

01:20:58.000 Yeah, occasionally, but here's the thing about this whole punching up, punching down thing.

01:21:01.000 I always bring up Sam Kinison's bit about the Ethiopian kids that were starving to death.

01:21:06.000 It's one of the fucking greatest all-time bits, and it's 100% punching down.

01:21:10.000 He's got two, in my opinion, I mean, if you have a list of the greatest of all-time bits, two of them in my mind are Sam Kinison, and one of them is the Ethiopian kids. 0.93

01:21:18.000 He's like, you know, you're sitting at home, you got a dinner, you made it all yourself. 0.85

01:21:22.000 You know, you're sitting in front of the TV, feeling good about life, and all of a sudden this fucking kid, this starving kid, and there's a guy right next to him. 0.96

01:21:31.000 Like, could you please just give a couple dollars a month so this guy can say, hey, and you're like, hey, why don't you feed him? 0.97

01:21:39.000 You're right next to him.

01:21:43.000 All I remember from that bit is, send them moving trucks, you all, move to where the food is.

01:21:49.000 We got deserts in America too! 1.00

01:21:52.000 We just don't live in them, asshole! 1.00

01:21:54.000 It was chaos, because it was the most punching down bit of all time. 1.00

01:22:00.000 Starving children in Ethiopia. 0.98

01:22:02.000 I don't think that's punching down.

01:22:04.000 You're punching at the people that are selling you this.

01:22:08.000 Sort of.

01:22:10.000 But you're grabbing the little Ethiopian by the head. 0.99

01:22:12.000 Come here! 1.00

01:22:12.000 Come here, motherfucker! 1.00

01:22:13.000 You see what that is? 1.00

01:22:14.000 Collateral damage.

01:22:14.000 That's sand!

01:22:15.000 You know what's gonna be 100 years from now? 1.00

01:22:17.000 Fucking sand! 0.99

01:22:18.000 We got deserts in America, too! 1.00

01:22:20.000 When I say punching down, I was talking about specifically Twitter fights where, like, Christine Levine.

01:22:26.000 Who's that?

01:22:28.000 Mamou.

01:22:29.000 She's a friend of mine.

01:22:29.000 She opens for me quite often.

01:22:31.000 Is her name Mamou?

01:22:32.000 Is that her nickname?

01:22:32.000 That was her nickname when I met her online.

01:22:35.000 I know so many people based on their screen name back in the day.

01:22:40.000 Yeah, well before that.

01:22:43.000 Where uh...

01:22:43.000 ICQ? What is it?

01:22:44.000 IQ? She's a... 1.00

01:22:46.000 What is that? 1.00

01:22:46.000 What is that fucking text? 1.00

01:22:48.000 What is it? 1.00

01:22:49.000 ICQ? I remember that shit. 1.00

01:22:50.000 I was doing the alt.comedy.standup. 0.99

01:22:54.000 Didn't find the ICQ, but uh...

01:22:57.000 There's something freeing about being able to talk to someone. 0.99

01:22:59.000 You don't know what the fuck they look like. 1.00

01:23:00.000 They don't know what the fuck you look like. 1.00

01:23:02.000 You can just chat with each other online. 0.99

01:23:04.000 Something freeing about that.

01:23:05.000 Yeah.

01:23:06.000 You know, you get to know people just for the information they're able to convey.

01:23:11.000 I just know that you're annoying.

01:23:12.000 It has nothing to do with your sexuality, your race, your religion. 0.98

01:23:15.000 I just know you're annoying as a human being. 0.98

01:23:18.000 You really can. 0.97

01:23:18.000 And I'm glad that I judged you for no other reason than you. 0.97

01:23:21.000 And some people will trick you, but some people, you meet them online, and they turn out to be the exact same thing when you meet them in person, and they're really cool.

01:23:31.000 I've met...

01:23:32.000 Some of the funniest people, funny online funny, that when you meet them, biggest social retards, they can't have, can't make eye contact, can't deliver the line. 1.00

01:23:48.000 If they're on the keyboard, they're the funniest person.

01:23:51.000 They just have no social skills.

01:23:53.000 They can't present themselves.

01:23:55.000 This guy's funnier than me.

01:23:57.000 Oh wait, in real life, no he's not.

01:23:59.000 He could never do what we do.

01:24:02.000 But he could write from a keyboard in a dark room.

01:24:05.000 This is chick that is unbelievably hilarious on Twitter.

01:24:09.000 And I found her recently.

01:24:10.000 What is it?

01:24:12.000 Nacho Sarah?

01:24:13.000 What is her?

01:24:14.000 Sarah Beatty.

01:24:15.000 Yes.

01:24:16.000 It's Nacho Sarah.

01:24:17.000 Her name is Sarah Beatty.

01:24:19.000 I think that's her Twitter handle. 0.99

01:24:20.000 Dude, she's fucking hilarious. 1.00

01:24:23.000 I'll go to her every two, three days. 1.00

01:24:25.000 I'll just go and check her Twitter page just to see what ridiculous shit she posts. 1.00

01:24:29.000 She's really fucking funny. 0.99

01:24:30.000 And I'm like, are you a stand-up? 0.99

01:24:32.000 And she's like, well, I tried it once, but you know.

01:24:35.000 You know who I've become?

01:24:36.000 That's her right there. 0.98

01:24:37.000 Nacho Sarah.

01:24:38.000 Oh, see, this is the same problem I have with my Twitter crush.

01:24:44.000 Is Laura Duck, the one-armed girl? 0.96

01:24:47.000 Okay, yeah.

01:24:49.000 She made kind of national news, Twitter national news, because she put on her Tinder, she's an arms dealer, she had just lost her arm.

01:25:01.000 Laura or Lauren Duck?

01:25:04.000 It's Duckfan is the Twitter account, Duckfan something. 0.99

01:25:09.000 And she, yeah, she gets her arm lopped off by a train, and she posts all sorts of smutty shit, but she also posts really funny shit. 1.00

01:25:18.000 And I said, I wish when I come to San Diego that you had a set, because you're hot, you have one arm, everything's already in your favor, you're already naturally funny. 0.99

01:25:29.000 Yeah, there's some fucking funny people on Twitter. 0.79

01:25:31.000 There's some funny people that work at the post office. 0.98

01:25:34.000 They just don't get a chance to...

01:25:35.000 The idea that we have figured out a way to monetize the way we look at things is so offensive.

01:25:44.000 It's so offensive.

01:25:45.000 There's so many people in so many jobs that are just as funny as us, or maybe way more.

01:25:50.000 My friend Dave Dolan, rest in peace, who was one of my bosses back when I was first starting doing stand-up, he was a private investigator.

01:25:58.000 Funniest person I've ever met in my life.

01:26:00.000 Right next to Joey Diaz.

01:26:01.000 He's like right up there.

01:26:02.000 He was hilarious.

01:26:03.000 He was a private investigator.

01:26:05.000 And I worked for him because he got caught in a DUI and needed a driver.

01:26:09.000 So he put in an ad in for an assistant, for a private investigator.

01:26:13.000 And I was looking for a day job while I was doing stand-up at night.

01:26:15.000 I was like, perfect!

01:26:17.000 Assistant for a private investigator? 1.00

01:26:18.000 This is like a goddamn comic book! 0.99

01:26:20.000 And so I start working for this guy, and he's this crazy Irish private investigator wild man. 1.00

01:26:29.000 I mean, he's a fucking wild man. 0.98

01:26:30.000 He was so funny. 1.00

01:26:32.000 And he would just tell me stories about nutty shit he did and crazy fucking girls he knew. 1.00

01:26:37.000 I would be in my car crying laughing. 0.99

01:26:42.000 Waiting for this person to like come up would be like five o'clock in the morning parked like doing like surveillance on someone's house Like waiting for them to leave their house five o'clock in the morning because someone's like doing like some sort of an insurance scam Most of it was insurance and he would just I would be crying and I was thinking I'm trying to be a comic This guy's five,

01:27:00.000 six years older than me at least, like maybe nine years older than me.

01:27:03.000 I think I was 21. He was like 30. An eternity.

01:27:06.000 An eternity.

01:27:07.000 He was an animal. 0.99

01:27:08.000 I mean, he was so fucking funny. 0.99

01:27:10.000 And I was like, I'll never be as funny as him. 0.94

01:27:12.000 I just won't never be as funny as him.

01:27:13.000 Like, this is depressing.

01:27:16.000 I loved working for the guy, and I worked for him for the entire six months, and he needed to have no license after he got arrested for a DUI. Stayed friends with him until he died.

01:27:25.000 I love that guy. 0.99

01:27:26.000 In the book, I talk about Becker and Andy, two guys that are way funnier than me, and fuck them, they never could put it together on stage. 0.98

01:27:38.000 As much as they say they're trying to be like you, I'm trying to be like them. 0.94

01:27:42.000 You know, those funny people you know.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, I want to steal that essence, because I know how to put it on stage. 1.00

01:27:49.000 I'll never be naturally off the cuff as funny as the funniest people I've met, but I can do it on stage, and you can't, so fuck you. 1.00

01:27:58.000 That's ruthless. 1.00

01:27:59.000 I can boil it down.

01:28:01.000 The organization has some sort of writer-correspondent.

01:28:04.000 You know, you should have a policy that sexual harassment is mandatory and everybody works inside the Doug Stanhope information collection organization.

01:28:15.000 Like anybody who's trying to help you with creation of your act, idea gathering, what have you.

01:28:19.000 They're all men. 0.99

01:28:20.000 It was an unspoken rule up until now.

01:28:24.000 That was kind of the thing, and that's why we were talking about no one's me-tooing rock and roll bands. 0.99

01:28:31.000 Like, they're not pulling Led Zeppelin's library off of iTunes because they fucked a girl with a fish. 0.99

01:28:38.000 Right, but here's my point. 0.94

01:28:39.000 When you walk into the backstage area at a rock and roll concert, there's an unwritten rule.

01:28:45.000 Yeah, the roadie tapped you on the shoulder for a reason, and you know what the reason is.

01:28:52.000 I was made to feel uncomfortable. 1.00

01:28:54.000 He pulled out his dick out of sweaty leather pants after the show. 1.00

01:28:59.000 Underwear or no underwear? 1.00

01:29:00.000 And then girls were doing bumps off of it. 1.00

01:29:02.000 No.

01:29:03.000 They were gummers mostly because of the ball sweat.

01:29:08.000 I understand. 0.99

01:29:09.000 There's a difference between that and what happens with fucking Harvey Weinstein. 1.00

01:29:14.000 That's a fucking rapist. 1.00

01:29:16.000 Yes, 100%. 1.00

01:29:17.000 And here's the part of the problem, is what we were talking about earlier, that if you got in a car with seven women and they all fucked you, you're a hero. 0.99

01:29:24.000 But if a gal gets in the car with seven Jason Momoa's, that guy from the Game of Thrones, that fucking beautiful handsome man, that gigantic handsome man... 0.99

01:29:32.000 He's so huge and so beautiful. 0.98

01:29:35.000 Like if seven of those were in a car and it was a gal and she was just like, Ravage me! 1.00

01:29:39.000 Ravage!

01:29:40.000 And she's some sort of a damaged thing. 1.00

01:29:42.000 We know those girls that celebrate that. 1.00

01:29:46.000 No, no, we know the ones that... 1.00

01:29:48.000 And they're like, yeah, I fucked that guy. 0.97

01:29:51.000 I... We know a few. 0.99

01:29:52.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:29:54.000 That are just like dudes.

01:29:56.000 It should be like that for everybody.

01:29:57.000 It's a suppression issue.

01:29:58.000 It's the same reason why Catholics feel guilty. 0.96

01:30:00.000 It's not a matter of what's wrong or what's right.

01:30:03.000 It's a matter of what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy because other people are going to judge you for it.

01:30:07.000 And then you've got to get to the root of why are these people judging you.

01:30:10.000 For a giant percentage of the men that judge women for their sexual activity, it's 100% out of jealousy.

01:30:15.000 It's 100% out of the idea that this woman would not want to do that with them, and they cast a judgment on her, and they decide that her needs are different than a man's needs.

01:30:25.000 But the bottom line is all these things were established back when it was really difficult to have children.

01:30:29.000 And you had to protect your children, and most of them were going to die, and you were literally concerned about the population of your village.

01:30:35.000 Well, those instincts, they still exist. 0.98

01:30:37.000 The problem is that's not a concern anymore, and then there's fucking birth control and whatever, 1960 or whatever that chick came out. 1.00

01:30:43.000 When did that come out? 0.99

01:30:44.000 When did chicks start being super hoes? 1.00

01:30:47.000 Early 70s when Roe vs.

01:30:49.000 Wade and birth control and all that.

01:30:51.000 Yeah.

01:30:52.000 It should be even, you know, there's got to be some sort of a way to make it even easier than all this.

01:30:58.000 There's got to be a way where you let the natural hormone cycles roll. 1.00

01:31:00.000 Well, I think what has happened is porn.

01:31:03.000 I nailed it.

01:31:04.000 Did I nail it?

01:31:05.000 I think it did.

01:31:06.000 1960. Hmm.

01:31:08.000 I thought we were going to be in an argument for bringing back villages.

01:31:11.000 Well, it's not a bad idea, man.

01:31:13.000 Here's the thing.

01:31:13.000 I think cities are amazing, but I don't think we're designed for it, and I think we will be ready for it in a couple hundred years.

01:31:20.000 It's going to take some sort of an adaptation to the human psyche and the way we interact with each other.

01:31:25.000 But I think it's totally doable.

01:31:26.000 If people like us can do it, this is how I've always felt.

01:31:30.000 If the entire world was the four of us in this room, we would be fine.

01:31:34.000 Like, what if we were the only people? 0.84

01:31:36.000 What if we were immortal, we didn't have to worry about dying, and it was just the four of us, and just a bunch of food and shit to do? 0.57

01:31:42.000 Do you think we would have any problem at all? 0.96

01:31:44.000 Yeah, we would miss the fact there weren't any chicks. 1.00

01:31:46.000 That would be kind of a bummer.

01:31:48.000 But we would probably have a good time.

01:31:50.000 If we just had unlimited resources roaming around...

01:31:53.000 Which we do.

01:31:54.000 Yeah, well, essentially, the world is kind of like that. 0.97

01:31:58.000 Like, if this wildfire in Ventura spreads across the world while this podcast goes on and on, and then we walk out, and you're like, oh, fucking zombie apocalypse without the zombies. 0.81

01:32:09.000 What if the zombies kick in, too? 0.97

01:32:11.000 A lot of ashes. 0.87

01:32:12.000 GMO, Monsanto zombies.

01:32:14.000 You have the grill.

01:32:15.000 You showed us how to use it?

01:32:16.000 Yeah.

01:32:17.000 Press buttons.

01:32:17.000 I'm gonna have to drink stevia.

01:32:19.000 I'll get irritated by that.

01:32:21.000 Just do me a favor.

01:32:22.000 Get a little sip.

01:32:23.000 Give him a little sip.

01:32:23.000 No, no, no.

01:32:24.000 I've done every stevia thing.

01:32:26.000 You're prejudiced. 1.00

01:32:27.000 You're racist. 1.00

01:32:27.000 Just try it. 1.00

01:32:28.000 By the way, I don't know if it's hot in here, but I'm actually sweating from the ears, and I thought it's because Joe Rogan's bellowing so much, I'm bleeding out of my earphones, but it's actually sweat.

01:32:39.000 I'm sweating on your earphones, and whoever sits here next, I hope he's OCD, because...

01:32:44.000 Are you, uh...

01:32:45.000 Just a little swept up?

01:32:47.000 Are you a little fired up?

01:32:48.000 I'm trying to be.

01:32:49.000 Am I too loud?

01:32:50.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:32:51.000 I'm just giving you shit. 1.00

01:32:52.000 I know. 1.00

01:32:52.000 I just never know when you're being real. 1.00

01:32:54.000 No, no, I am sweating from my earphones, and I think that's gross that I'm sweating on your earphones, so I had to say it. 0.99

01:33:00.000 I don't give a fuck, dude. 1.00

01:33:02.000 I don't give a fuck about period blood. 1.00

01:33:03.000 I don't give a fuck about sweat. 0.99

01:33:05.000 And that bothers me. 0.91

01:33:07.000 I've never understood that.

01:33:08.000 OCD people do bother me, because I am everything I would assume that...

01:33:13.000 They find to be a problem. 0.96

01:33:15.000 I'm a filthy... 0.99

01:33:17.000 I think you should eat meat with dirty hands. 0.99

01:33:20.000 That's what I think. 0.97

01:33:21.000 I think you should eat meat with dirty hands.

01:33:23.000 If I know someone's OCD, I'm afraid to be around them.

01:33:26.000 I'm uncomfortable.

01:33:28.000 I have a friend who went to look at a house, and they were looking at the house, and there's a nice house, like, wow, this house is beautiful.

01:33:33.000 And they got to this one closet, and the closet was filled with Purell, with hand sanitizer. 0.99

01:33:39.000 And they went, fuck this. 0.99

01:33:41.000 Like, this house is haunted. 1.00

01:33:48.000 My friend said, dude, the fucking thing was filled. 0.99

01:33:51.000 It was a closet. 1.00

01:33:52.000 It was filled from the floor all the way to the top with Purell.

01:33:56.000 They were like, nope.

01:33:58.000 Stern and ONA. I don't know if both ONA, but one of them at least, they were all Purell touching everything.

01:34:06.000 If I get a cold and...

01:34:09.000 My guttural smoker cough is enough that you're gonna not want me here.

01:34:15.000 I cough off Mike.

01:34:17.000 I try to, but I know he's gonna hear it and go...

01:34:20.000 Think about how many people you interact with and shake hands with.

01:34:24.000 I think the more people you share your biome with, like Paul Stamets, the mushroom guy, do you know who he is?

01:34:29.000 No.

01:34:29.000 He's a pretty famous mycologist who was on my podcast recently and had some amazing stories.

01:34:33.000 But one of the things that he said is, like, if you come in contact with someone, their biome interacts with your biome, and there's some sort of a residual amount of their DNA that you're taking into your own biome.

01:34:44.000 Like, if you meet somebody, you become part of them in some very bizarre way.

01:34:48.000 I was like, what?!

01:34:49.000 So he's like, welcome to my biome.

01:34:53.000 And I was like, this is crazy.

01:34:55.000 Welcome to my nightmare. 0.97

01:34:57.000 And he's a scientist, so he's not like just bullshitting. 0.96

01:34:59.000 He's not like some crazy dude who doesn't believe in birds.

01:35:06.000 You told me something on a podcast years ago, and it's one of those things that comes up late at night where I go, I want to call Rogan...

01:35:16.000 But I'm not going to call you at 1130 at night.

01:35:19.000 What was the thing that you said?

01:35:21.000 Listen, call me.

01:35:22.000 Anytime you call me.

01:35:23.000 You want to call me, call me, please.

01:35:25.000 I don't bother you.

01:35:27.000 I love you.

01:35:27.000 Do you see a quote from you on the back of this book?

01:35:30.000 No.

01:35:30.000 No, I called people that if they said no, we're not friends anyway.

01:35:34.000 I would never say no.

01:35:35.000 If Chris Rock said no, well, I don't know him anyway.

01:35:38.000 He's a nice guy.

01:35:39.000 I know, he is. 1.00

01:35:40.000 He's fucking... 1.00

01:35:41.000 He wrote me a better quote. 1.00

01:35:44.000 But I would love to quote your book, man.

01:35:46.000 Don't ever ask me.

01:35:47.000 I mean, don't ever worry about asking me.

01:35:49.000 You don't want to put anyone on the spot.

01:35:51.000 You're not putting me on the spot.

01:35:51.000 I love you.

01:35:53.000 You had some...

01:35:53.000 You're one of my favorite people.

01:35:55.000 If I have a top 20 people that survives and everybody dies, you're in.

01:35:59.000 All right.

01:35:59.000 Like, if there was, like, some sort of an apocalypse and I had to get everybody...

01:36:01.000 Am I going to like the other 19, though?

01:36:03.000 Yeah, we'll work on it.

01:36:04.000 We'll decide.

01:36:05.000 You get, like, five of your freaks.

01:36:06.000 I got five of mine.

01:36:07.000 Family.

01:36:08.000 Whoever you know that's still alive...

01:36:11.000 You told me something about over the course of, I think, 20 years, the amount of cells.

01:36:19.000 You're not even the same person.

01:36:20.000 You're not the same person you were seven years ago.

01:36:21.000 So tell it with your smart way of saying it.

01:36:23.000 Okay. 0.98

01:36:23.000 By the way, this is like third-hand smart way because I'm clearly a retard. 0.98

01:36:27.000 But if you go back to like seven years ago and then today, you literally don't have the same cells in most of your body.

01:36:36.000 The only thing that doesn't regenerate is the neurons.

01:36:38.000 The neurons do not regenerate.

01:36:40.000 But every cell in your body is different than the cells in your body from seven years ago.

01:36:45.000 So, your memories remain.

01:36:47.000 And this is part of the problem.

01:36:49.000 You become a victim to the momentum of your past behavior.

01:36:53.000 And there's nothing you can do about it. 0.99

01:36:55.000 So if you're Kevin Spacey and you decide six months ago, I am not grabbing any more dicks. 0.99

01:36:59.000 I'm fucking done with this. 0.99

01:37:01.000 I'm going to be a better person. 0.99

01:37:03.000 Like, you are attached to the momentum of your past behavior.

01:37:07.000 You know, no matter what.

01:37:08.000 Even if you're not even that guy anymore.

01:37:10.000 Like, seven years later, you wake up.

01:37:12.000 Like, you wake up in the morning. 1.00

01:37:13.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:37:15.000 What did I grab? 1.00

01:37:16.000 Grab some dicks. 1.00

01:37:18.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:37:19.000 Why did I do that? 1.00

01:37:20.000 Why did I grab the dick of the PA? God damn it! 1.00

01:37:24.000 Oh, I was so drunk! 1.00

01:37:27.000 There's nothing you can do.

01:37:28.000 You're stuck with that idea.

01:37:29.000 Like, we have to get past that.

01:37:32.000 We have to figure out a way. 0.99

01:37:33.000 I think, Pi, they have to take those electric things and fucking change your brain like shock therapy. 0.99

01:37:42.000 When we let you ride. 0.96

01:37:43.000 When you don't account for growth, and this is my huge thing, if I had a charity that I was behind, if I was on Dancing with the Stars, which I think I might be, how do those negotiations go out?

01:37:58.000 Are you working that in?

01:38:00.000 Listen, Dancing with the Stars, don't you kill Doug Stanhope. 0.99

01:38:03.000 I had to fucking do a dance scene before, man. 0.99

01:38:06.000 It ain't easy. 1.00

01:38:07.000 He wants to die by the cha-cha. 0.81

01:38:09.000 Oh.

01:38:10.000 Innocence Project.

01:38:11.000 Let me get this point out and then let's go back to Dancing with Joe.

01:38:16.000 Innocence Project, that's my thing.

01:38:20.000 I've never been locked up When I was innocent, it's my fear.

01:38:27.000 It's a terrifying fear.

01:38:28.000 It's the entire prison system, the justice system.

01:38:32.000 Prison doesn't work whatsoever. 0.99

01:38:34.000 And when you lock someone up at 18 years old for some shit, you... 0.99

01:38:42.000 You grow out of these things. 0.95

01:38:44.000 Like, you're not accepting that as you age you rethink things and you're... 1.00

01:38:49.000 it's fucked. 0.98

01:38:50.000 Well, it's a totally ineffective way to reform people as well. 1.00

01:38:53.000 Most prisons.

01:38:54.000 Some prisons are trying to be more progressive with their ideas.

01:38:57.000 Scandinavia, Iceland?

01:38:58.000 Yes, yes.

01:38:59.000 Mostly outside of America.

01:39:01.000 America has a real problem.

01:39:02.000 And one of the real problems is there's not all of it, but a certain amount of the prison...

01:39:06.000 Profit?

01:39:06.000 Yes, for profit.

01:39:07.000 And these private prison systems...

01:39:08.000 Anytime something's for profit...

01:39:10.000 The system benefits from these laws being uniform or increasing in their severity.

01:39:18.000 So if you have a way where people can profit...

01:39:22.000 This is the issue that I had with marijuana.

01:39:24.000 Well, you would find out that prison guard unions would be lobbying against marijuana.

01:39:30.000 For jobs.

01:39:31.000 Yes.

01:39:31.000 I'm like, police union.

01:39:32.000 I have done so well, and what are we at, like, hour 45 now, not stepping on my new bits, because that's all I have.

01:39:39.000 Oh, about that kind of stuff?

01:39:40.000 About all of the things we're talking about.

01:39:42.000 I was talking with Brian Callen the other day, and we were talking about something, and he was like, you know, I've been talking about this in my act.

01:39:48.000 And I'm like, of course you have, because this is what's really relevant today.

01:39:51.000 And I think that all of us have this weird thing.

01:39:54.000 We don't want to step on each other's material.

01:39:56.000 But of course you're going to see some of the same things that I'm seeing.

01:39:59.000 And I want to see your take on it as much as I want to see my take on it.

01:40:02.000 I'm trying not to do punchlines.

01:40:05.000 Let's keep to the discourse and not go into bits.

01:40:10.000 I know what you mean.

01:40:11.000 Those bits are good, but you don't want to give them up yet.

01:40:14.000 No.

01:40:15.000 Honestly, this one bit that's...

01:40:18.000 It goes with the entire rape thing. 0.97

01:40:21.000 I have been missing just one sealing chunk of this bit that sometimes goes 25 minutes of too long, and I'm just trying to get the point across, and all this current climate,

01:40:37.000 as I keep calling it, Like, that's what I was missing.

01:40:41.000 Now I have specific examples of this guy versus this guy.

01:40:46.000 Now, it made the entire bit come together and now I'm off the road till March. 1.00

01:40:52.000 I'm like, motherfucker! 1.00

01:40:53.000 Now I actually want to go out and do more dates just because there's a year and a half I think I've been working on this fucking one stupid bit. 1.00

01:41:01.000 That happens. 1.00

01:41:02.000 You know, Chris Rock said that he was working on that, I love black people, I hate niggers. 1.00

01:41:09.000 Remember that bit? 1.00

01:41:10.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99

01:41:11.000 Who doesn't? 1.00

01:41:11.000 What white man doesn't? 1.00

01:41:13.000 It is, in my estimation, one of the all-time greatest, most significant stand-up comedy bits ever.

01:41:21.000 And when it hit, I remember I was just kind of starting out when that bit was, like, popular.

01:41:27.000 When that bit was, like, on CDs and people would play it back and you'd see it on television and you'd be like...

01:41:32.000 I was like, oh my god, this is like a perfect bit.

01:41:35.000 Like, he had it boiled down.

01:41:36.000 The punchlines were so succinct.

01:41:38.000 It was just bam, bam, bam!

01:41:41.000 And then I read that he had bombed with that bit for months and months before he figured out how to get it to work.

01:41:48.000 I got, uh...

01:41:49.000 Hate mail from fans, not egregious, actually well thought out, hey, I saw you, I agree with most of what you say, but what you were saying, are you saying, and I'm like, no, that's not what I'm saying, that's what I'm trying to not say, but I'm having such a hard time alliterating this,

01:42:06.000 and everything that's happened in the last month or two has, oh, now I can exactly point out what I'm saying, and I actually...

01:42:15.000 I reverse engineered it where I go oh I should be starting from where I was ending and then go the other way rather than apologizing and Yeah.

01:42:24.000 Yeah.

01:42:25.000 But I figured it out right when I get off the road. 1.00

01:42:28.000 You fucking assholes. 1.00

01:42:30.000 But you'll... 1.00

01:42:30.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

01:42:31.000 I mean, isn't it always kind of like fucking... 0.99

01:42:34.000 It keeps going? 0.99

01:42:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:42:36.000 Like you say it's done, then a new branch pops out of the tree, and you're like, oh, this is what's gonna bear fruit.

01:42:42.000 It's just that night. 0.87

01:42:43.000 I was doing these shitty gigs for fucking months, and every night I hated going on stage, and now I want to go on stage, but I don't have a gig. 0.97

01:42:52.000 It's not like a... 0.99

01:42:53.000 What I found pretty recently, like within the last year, I mean, is that that is all like some shit that I internalize.

01:42:59.000 And then if I can just like express or respond to that the least amount, like all the weird shit, I know it exists, I have a weird set, it's too long, it's too this, too that, I don't like it, I know it exists, don't freak out, but understand what that is,

01:43:16.000 and then You know what that is.

01:43:19.000 It didn't work. 0.97

01:43:20.000 Now let's figure out how to fucking never let that happen again. 0.99

01:43:23.000 Because there's a big difference in the swing between the audience having a fucking amazing time, or it was really good for 45 minutes, then it sucked for 10. Shit. 1.00

01:43:33.000 No better learning experience that happens for decades than eating shit. 1.00

01:43:41.000 Nothing will ever make you come back stronger than actually dying on your ass. 1.00

01:43:46.000 But I'd rather be mediocre at this point. 1.00

01:43:49.000 But even mediocre requires like eating shit. 1.00

01:43:53.000 Dude, I ate shit. 1.00

01:43:55.000 After Jim Brewer in some weird suburb outside of the city in New York. 1.00

01:44:01.000 I ate shit so hard it changed my life. 0.99

01:44:04.000 Probably not recently. 1.00

01:44:06.000 No, it was like 90...

01:44:10.000 Three?

01:44:11.000 Maybe 93?

01:44:12.000 And Brewer and I were just starting out.

01:44:14.000 And I was fine.

01:44:16.000 Like, I really shouldn't have been headlining.

01:44:17.000 There's no way I should have been headlining.

01:44:19.000 I had maybe 45 minutes that was mediocre at best.

01:44:22.000 And Brewer and I had a great time all weekend.

01:44:26.000 Friday, two shows.

01:44:27.000 Everything worked out great.

01:44:28.000 But although, if I'm being honest, I want to say that he had better sets at least...

01:44:34.000 Two of the three shows.

01:44:35.000 At least two of the three shows.

01:44:36.000 He had better sets, but I had good sets.

01:44:38.000 It wasn't embarrassing. 1.00

01:44:39.000 And then the second show, Saturday night, he made me eat a busload of shit. 1.00

01:44:45.000 I bombed. 0.99

01:44:46.000 Like, one of the worst bombings ever of my career.

01:44:51.000 Ever.

01:44:52.000 Where it was like everything that came out of my mouth was a dry brick, and he destroyed in front of me.

01:44:58.000 I mean, destroyed. 0.99

01:44:59.000 Like, fucking crumbs were breaking up off of the fucking low-hanging ceiling. 0.99

01:45:03.000 You know those asbestos wall pipes? 0.99

01:45:07.000 Actually, I think I coined that.

01:45:10.000 It was like a brick.

01:45:13.000 The words came out of my mouth like a brick through a funnel.

01:45:17.000 That's what it feels like.

01:45:18.000 It feels like you have a mouthful of dirt. 1.00

01:45:23.000 I hate shit following, and where I can blame the middle act, like sometimes they just don't like you. 1.00

01:45:32.000 The middle act can take credit, but no, they just hated you. 1.00

01:45:35.000 The one I couldn't follow for a week in Miami was Chris Porter.

01:45:41.000 Chris Porter.

01:45:42.000 Chris Porter?

01:45:43.000 You know Chris Porter.

01:45:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:45.000 Fucking stoner, fucking thin, curly hair. 1.00

01:45:48.000 He's very funny. 1.00

01:45:50.000 But Miami Improv at the time, this is probably 2000, and it was an urban room, 60% black.

01:45:59.000 Well, no, no, because there was a lot of Cuban, too.

01:46:02.000 Oh.

01:46:02.000 So, but, yeah, maybe five white people that are scared.

01:46:06.000 Sammy Sosa, Cuban, 1993, or Sammy Sosa, Cuban, 2017. Miami.

01:46:13.000 Miami.

01:46:13.000 Okay.

01:46:14.000 Not Fort Lauderdale.

01:46:15.000 Dark. 0.73

01:46:15.000 Not West Palm. 0.73

01:46:16.000 Curly hair.

01:46:17.000 It was Miami.

01:46:18.000 Girls have red toes. 1.00

01:46:19.000 The first night, I assumed I'm getting fired, so I just... 0.79

01:46:23.000 Go crazy.

01:46:24.000 I took on... 0.58

01:46:24.000 No, no. 0.58

01:46:25.000 They're throwing fucking empty cigarette packs at me on stage, following Chris Porter, who knew all the fucking recent hip-hoppy things. 0.99

01:46:33.000 He had all the fart... 1.00

01:46:35.000 Current urban trends in his act that he fucking destroyed and I'm up there like kind of new with my anti-authoritarian kind of point of view and fuck vice cops and fuck this and fuck Nash And he closed. 1.00

01:46:50.000 It was right after... 1.00

01:46:52.000 This will probably date it when it...

01:46:54.000 Because he was...

01:46:55.000 It was when France wouldn't let us fly over their airspace. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Fuck France! 1.00

01:46:59.000 Yeah, if we had to save... 1.00

01:47:01.000 Point...

01:47:02.000 That's...

01:47:02.000 The point being, years later, I got one of my best bits ever about nationalism out of that.

01:47:09.000 Because he closed on, fuck France, if we hadn't saved their ass in two world wars... 0.98

01:47:15.000 And I turned that eventually into one of my best bits ever because I would go up and follow him going, yes, that's right, Chris Porter. 1.00

01:47:25.000 That was the French calling you.

01:47:27.000 Yes, Chris Porter, the Nazis are at our door.

01:47:30.000 Please help us, you.

01:47:31.000 And it turned into that bit I did about nationalism.

01:47:34.000 If we hadn't saved the French, was that us? 0.73

01:47:38.000 Was that us garroting Krauts in the trenches in Verdun?

01:47:42.000 Was that you and me?

01:47:44.000 I remember last night we were hammered.

01:47:46.000 I don't remember saving the French. 0.77

01:47:48.000 I remember we went through the drive-through without a car.

01:47:52.000 We did a lot of things, but we didn't save the French. 0.99

01:47:55.000 You're talking about other people that did shit and you're taking credit for it. 0.98

01:48:00.000 Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to take credit for other people's accomplishments. 0.99

01:48:05.000 The same can be said for rooting for the Raiders, right?

01:48:09.000 Yeah, sure. 0.99

01:48:10.000 We fucking won, bro! 0.99

01:48:11.000 Right. 1.00

01:48:12.000 Yeah.

01:48:12.000 It's a very bizarre thing that we love to do.

01:48:16.000 And I think it's all connected to the...

01:48:18.000 Why does home field advantage work? 0.97

01:48:21.000 It's my fucking best idea. 0.98

01:48:23.000 It's uncomfortable. 0.98

01:48:23.000 It's uncomfortable in that arena for all those other people. 0.98

01:48:25.000 It's my best idea that no Billy Ball kind of people in the professional sports leagues are picking up on. 0.92

01:48:32.000 Field a team of sociopaths.

01:48:35.000 Because home field advantage is one of the biggest things in sports. 0.83

01:48:38.000 Home field advantage.

01:48:40.000 If you field a team of sociopaths that don't care about cheers or boos... 0.99

01:48:45.000 Yeah, there's no home field advantage anymore, because these are psychopaths that don't care about cheers. 1.00

01:48:50.000 They just want to win and kill. 0.96

01:48:52.000 That's not sustainable. 1.00

01:48:54.000 You've got to shoot them after a couple years. 1.00

01:48:55.000 As soon as they start wearing diamonds in their watches, you've got to shoot them in the locker room. 1.00

01:48:59.000 Like, what happened? 0.99

01:49:00.000 What happened?

01:49:00.000 How did he die?

01:49:02.000 Aaron Hernandez, that guy?

01:49:04.000 What is this?

01:49:04.000 Tinder may be eliminating the home team advantage for NBA players.

01:49:10.000 Tinder, stop hating on the black man!

01:49:13.000 Tinder, I want you to consider the fact that a giant percentage of NBA players are people of color! 1.00

01:49:19.000 You racist fucks! 1.00

01:49:21.000 They're swooping into these white towns and banging all these white chicks. 1.00

01:49:26.000 And you got a problem? 0.99

01:49:28.000 Tinder?

01:49:28.000 Home field advantage?

01:49:30.000 They just make it easier for them.

01:49:31.000 They don't have to go do work.

01:49:32.000 I'm sorry.

01:49:32.000 I'm sorry what I said.

01:49:33.000 They come to the hotel instead of having to go out to...

01:49:35.000 Tinder, Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.

01:49:36.000 I'm sorry.

01:49:37.000 I was just doing that for comedy.

01:49:39.000 My god, if I was still a sexual being...

01:49:44.000 Man is a sexual being. 0.99

01:49:46.000 That's Bernie Mac and Bad Santa. 1.00

01:49:49.000 Bernie Mac is a sexual being. 1.00

01:49:50.000 Man is a sexual being. 1.00

01:49:50.000 Hilarious. 1.00

01:49:51.000 Stand-up.

01:49:52.000 You ever see Bernie Mac live?

01:49:55.000 No.

01:49:56.000 I saw Bernie Mac live at the Comedy Connection in Boston once. 1.00

01:50:00.000 I was like, holy shit. 1.00

01:50:04.000 He was powerful, man. 1.00

01:50:07.000 I mean, his material was really funny, but shit, his delivery was like electric. 0.99

01:50:14.000 Like, boom! 0.99

01:50:15.000 Boom! 0.99

01:50:16.000 Name a black comedian where you go, his material is great, but his delivery is undersold. 1.00

01:50:24.000 Don't say Hannibal Buress, because Hannibal Buress has got his thing going on.

01:50:29.000 He's my buddy.

01:50:31.000 Franklin Ajay?

01:50:32.000 Oh, Franklin Ajay.

01:50:34.000 Franklin Ajay.

01:50:35.000 Super low-key with his delivery.

01:50:36.000 Hilarious ideas.

01:50:37.000 I met him at the Green Room.

01:50:40.000 Paul Provenza.

01:50:40.000 I wish that show was still on.

01:50:43.000 Let's do the Green Room with Doug Stanhope.

01:50:45.000 Well, podcasting is basically that.

01:50:47.000 It is that. 0.99

01:50:48.000 But let's get on Showtime for the fuck of it. 0.99

01:50:50.000 Just so we can call our moms. 0.99

01:50:52.000 Showtime!

01:50:54.000 Mommy, I made it!

01:50:55.000 My mom's dead.

01:50:55.000 Yeah, I forgot.

01:50:56.000 I said that right.

01:50:57.000 I was like, man, I feel guilty.

01:50:58.000 Oh, it's Stanhope.

01:51:00.000 I don't have to feel bad.

01:51:01.000 I'm gonna call my grandma.

01:51:02.000 My grandma's dead.

01:51:04.000 I forgot, bro. 1.00

01:51:05.000 Fucking Chad Shank, he just came back from Thanksgiving. 0.99

01:51:07.000 He's like, yeah, I had to go to my grandparents' house. 0.99

01:51:11.000 Does he work for you?

01:51:12.000 Does he know that it's December 5th? 1.00

01:51:14.000 What kind of fucking bullshit is this? 1.00

01:51:16.000 What does that mean? 1.00

01:51:17.000 Thanksgiving? 1.00

01:51:18.000 Long time ago, motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:20.000 There's work to be done. 0.99

01:51:24.000 The point of the story was he was talking about being at Thanksgiving at his grandparents' house, who he revered, and then how he brought his kid and his kids' kids to Globe, Arizona, because he's not a family guy.

01:51:36.000 Right.

01:51:37.000 But then I started doing the math.

01:51:38.000 Like, you have...

01:51:39.000 Grandchildren.

01:51:41.000 And grandparents.

01:51:42.000 That means the kids are going to meet their great-great-grandparents.

01:51:47.000 Did you ever meet your great-great-grandparents?

01:51:49.000 No.

01:51:50.000 My last grandparent died when I was 13. Both of my grandfathers were dead before I was born.

01:51:58.000 My great-great-grandfather on my mother's side.

01:52:01.000 You were alive in the same room?

01:52:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:52:03.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:52:04.000 Yeah, I barely remember, though. 0.99

01:52:06.000 I was super young.

01:52:08.000 Really young.

01:52:08.000 Your great-great-grandparents are the people that built the stone, that built this town before it was a town, and this was all wastewater.

01:52:18.000 Well, my great-great-grandfather decided to take his family from Italy to America in the 19...

01:52:25.000 Well, basically during the Depression.

01:52:26.000 Oh, that's right.

01:52:26.000 Your mom's a guinea.

01:52:27.000 I met her.

01:52:28.000 Yeah, she's full on. 0.99

01:52:29.000 WAP. Sorry.

01:52:30.000 Yeah.

01:52:31.000 She's full on Guinea. 1.00

01:52:33.000 And my father was half Italian and half Irish.

01:52:37.000 Everybody was immigrants, though.

01:52:38.000 From my mom's side, 100%.

01:52:41.000 My mother, her mother and her father, both from the old country. 0.97

01:52:46.000 See, we don't realize it because we're living in this weird fucking semi-gentrified Starbucks era of 2017. But just during my parents' time, people got on boats.

01:52:58.000 And they drifted from Europe across America on these shitty engines. 0.92

01:53:03.000 And they landed. 1.00

01:53:04.000 I mean, it was like fucking decades after the Titanic sank. 1.00

01:53:07.000 These crazy fucks. 1.00

01:53:08.000 They took the wildest chance ever. 1.00

01:53:10.000 They floated across the goddamn Atlantic Ocean to look for a better way. 0.99

01:53:14.000 Hennigan got here on coach! 1.00

01:53:16.000 He fucking flew from Southwest. 0.99

01:53:19.000 He was sitting right next to the turrets. 0.99

01:53:21.000 He almost had a middle seat, but he finagled his way out of it to an aisle.

01:53:25.000 He's an aisle right by the turrets.

01:53:28.000 I was in border group A, 15 through 30. I mean, this shit just happened. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Our families all just got here. 1.00

01:53:34.000 Even if you're third generation, that's fucking three generations. 1.00

01:53:37.000 That ain't shit. 1.00

01:53:38.000 That's nothing. 1.00

01:53:40.000 Fourth generation, fifth, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:53:41.000 My parents have been here since the 1900s. 1.00

01:53:44.000 Who, no, that's just, you just got here!

01:53:47.000 Everybody just got here!

01:53:48.000 I live in one of those towns where they love to say, oh, I'm a native.

01:53:53.000 That makes you better because you never left and decided you wanted to be here as a functioning, free-thinking adult.

01:54:01.000 No, natives are the first people you discount.

01:54:04.000 I was born here.

01:54:06.000 You just moved here.

01:54:08.000 Well, yeah, because I was an adult and I decided I wanted to live here.

01:54:12.000 You just didn't have the courage to leave and come back.

01:54:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:16.000 Sons of bitches. 1.00

01:54:18.000 Fuck natives! 1.00

01:54:19.000 It's not even that, honestly. 1.00

01:54:21.000 Sorry, that was a Bisbee native, not Native Americans.

01:54:24.000 I know what you mean.

01:54:25.000 They don't know where to go.

01:54:26.000 They're drunk.

01:54:27.000 The Bisbee people don't know where to go. 0.96

01:54:30.000 You don't have to go anywhere.

01:54:32.000 Just make the place better.

01:54:34.000 Vegas.

01:54:35.000 Vegas is one of those.

01:54:37.000 Any city that is only alive and thriving because of tourism, but then they take a stand because, oh, I was born here.

01:54:46.000 Vegas doesn't do that, do they?

01:54:47.000 Hawaii does it with white people. 0.99

01:54:50.000 A little bit, but annoying white people. 1.00

01:54:52.000 They hate tourists, but if it wasn't for tourists, you're fucking farming pineapples. 1.00

01:54:57.000 Are you farming pineapples or are you selling crocs somewhere in a beach resort? 1.00

01:55:03.000 Are you doing massage therapy?

01:55:05.000 Are you doing chakra healing?

01:55:07.000 Or are you farming pineapples?

01:55:08.000 Because without tourists, you're farming pineapples and hoping Captain Cook's descendants come back and offer you some...

01:55:18.000 Or you're eating fish that you just caught with a stick and you're trading money in the form of shells on a string.

01:55:25.000 Right.

01:55:25.000 That's okay, too.

01:55:27.000 Like, why is Bitcoin okay, but shells aren't good?

01:55:30.000 How come you can't trade in Avalone?

01:55:33.000 You just paid me and shells to be here.

01:55:34.000 Yeah, that's what I'm gonna give you.

01:55:36.000 Lumps of salt, too.

01:55:37.000 There were little lumps of salt.

01:55:39.000 And chocolate gold coins.

01:55:40.000 In the gift package.

01:55:41.000 Chocolate gold coins.

01:55:43.000 And ketogenic cookies.

01:55:45.000 And stevia drinks.

01:55:46.000 Stevia drinks.

01:55:48.000 Let's do some ad.

01:55:50.000 Let's do some ad copy.

01:55:51.000 I don't have any.

01:55:51.000 I'm fine.

01:55:52.000 What's up?

01:55:53.000 You okay?

01:55:53.000 I'm fine.

01:55:54.000 All right, buddy.

01:55:55.000 Hey, I want to ask you this.

01:55:56.000 You don't like headphones, bro?

01:55:57.000 Hang on.

01:55:58.000 Joe Rogan?

01:55:59.000 This was just in right before I shut off my phone.

01:56:04.000 The giant...

01:56:06.000 Oh yeah, please, order the book.

01:56:08.000 You know what?

01:56:09.000 Let's take a minute so people can go online and order Doug Stanhope, This Is Not Fame.

01:56:15.000 It's got awful stories that in the current climate, if the publisher read it right now, they'd go, we should probably pull this.

01:56:22.000 No!

01:56:23.000 Yeah, so if you find it, folks, copy it.

01:56:25.000 Everyone else is getting fired for what I'm celebrating having done worse.

01:56:28.000 Copy it.

01:56:29.000 Copy it down and make sure these monsters out there don't take it off the internet.

01:56:34.000 I have.

01:56:34.000 Net neutrality to the end.

01:56:37.000 You have the new beautiful space here.

01:56:40.000 Thank you.

01:56:40.000 Endless yards and yards of space.

01:56:43.000 The wolf.

01:56:45.000 You have the giant wolf out there.

01:56:47.000 When you walk in the door, the...

01:56:48.000 Is that a Patrick McGee?

01:56:52.000 Yes.

01:56:52.000 Ha ha!

01:56:54.000 Ghost Ride.

01:56:55.000 You know, Chaley, remember when I used to pit my tour manager against your Red Band?

01:57:00.000 Yes.

01:57:00.000 Greg Chaley.

01:57:00.000 He's my guy.

01:57:02.000 I love Greg.

01:57:02.000 I love him on your podcast as well.

01:57:05.000 Him and his twin brother do that for a living.

01:57:08.000 They have their own Ghost Ride Productions, which is a huge haunt. 1.00

01:57:13.000 They make this shit. 0.99

01:57:14.000 Patrick McGee that did Your Wolf works for Greg Chaley's twin brother. 1.00

01:57:18.000 That's a Hilarious. 0.58

01:57:20.000 So Ghost Ride Productions, if you want weird shit like that, Joe Rogan, I hope you're a loyal sponsor now of only Ghost Ride Productions. 0.99

01:57:28.000 They do all this shit. 0.98

01:57:29.000 Chaley does a haunted house in the front yard in Bisbee. 1.00

01:57:35.000 He does Haunted Front Yard, and he brings all this shit down every Halloween. 0.98

01:57:39.000 He's so geeked up to do it. 0.97

01:57:41.000 It's the only thing in Bisbee.

01:57:43.000 I wanted to be one of these guys when I was a kid.

01:57:45.000 Dude, I was a huge Star Wars fan to the point where I wanted to be like a Rick Baker.

01:57:49.000 I wanted to do that for a living.

01:57:51.000 And Pat McGee was on the podcast.

01:57:53.000 We're both huge fans of An American Werewolf in London.

01:57:56.000 That's Pat McGee.

01:57:57.000 That's right there.

01:57:59.000 He was on the podcast a few years back, and I found the American Werewolf in London.

01:58:05.000 What it is, it's a replica of the thing that's in the movie, and Pat sells it.

01:58:10.000 You can order it online.

01:58:12.000 And he builds it, but it's like the real exact scale is like one and a half times the size of the real werewolf.

01:58:20.000 The werewolf is smaller.

01:58:22.000 My werewolf is bigger.

01:58:23.000 I just texted, when we got here today, I texted a picture of that to Chaley.

01:58:28.000 Yeah.

01:58:29.000 And he goes, oh, that looks like a, I go, hey, how's this for Halloween 2018?

01:58:34.000 For his haunted yard he does in Bisbee.

01:58:36.000 And he goes, that looks like a Patrick McGee.

01:58:39.000 He's done work for my brother. 0.99

01:58:40.000 I go, wow, if you called that and Joe Rogan, you fucking nailed it. 0.98

01:58:44.000 That's amazing. 0.99

01:58:45.000 He nailed it.

01:58:45.000 I think I had to correct myself.

01:58:47.000 I said it's a one and a half times larger.

01:58:49.000 I don't think that's right.

01:58:50.000 I think it's more like 40% larger or something now that I think about it.

01:58:53.000 I think I'm confusing it with something else.

01:58:55.000 But the the copy that he makes is definitely larger.

01:58:58.000 It's so he could work on like the finer details.

01:59:00.000 There's like blood on the teeth and the hairs. 0.98

01:59:02.000 It's all yak hair around the head and it's all synthetic shit in the back, but that's that's his work. 0.98

01:59:08.000 But if you look at the blood around the teeth... 0.99

01:59:10.000 Dude, here's the thing, man. 0.98

01:59:11.000 Fucking amazing. 0.98

01:59:12.000 I get great pleasure every time I come to work and I look at that werewolf. 0.99

01:59:17.000 I fucking love it. 0.99

01:59:19.000 I love it. 0.98

01:59:20.000 I love looking at that thing. 0.99

01:59:21.000 I love the fact that I'm a fucking grown-up baby. 0.99

01:59:25.000 You smile a lot more anymore. 0.99

01:59:27.000 I smile all the time.

01:59:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:29.000 When you were showing us some shit and you just smiled. 1.00

01:59:31.000 Like, wow, that's a fucking rare smile. 0.99

01:59:34.000 You used to be a lot angrier and I like it. 0.98

01:59:38.000 I got out of that.

01:59:39.000 You know what?

01:59:39.000 It's like we were talking about before.

01:59:41.000 It's like, what are you using your energy on?

01:59:44.000 Are you using your energy on being upset at things and being in this constant sort of momentum of being upset from the past that you never stop?

01:59:53.000 Or do you figure out a way to hit the brakes and go, okay.

01:59:57.000 Why are we angry?

01:59:58.000 What are we getting upset at? 1.00

01:59:59.000 Why don't we just like take all that caveman shit and just go smash some punching bag and then come back to reality and be like really relaxed about it but do it purposely. 1.00

02:00:09.000 Like have some sort of intent behind it to eliminate the demons. 1.00

02:00:12.000 And I figured out how to do that.

02:00:14.000 Somewhere along the line.

02:00:15.000 Aging helps.

02:00:17.000 Aging helps a lot.

02:00:18.000 But it's not just that.

02:00:20.000 It's not aging as far as, like, decay.

02:00:22.000 It's aging as far as information.

02:00:24.000 Right. 0.99

02:00:24.000 Like, I was talking about, like, if people figure out a way to make humans live to be, like, 900 years old, would it be fucked up if you had sex with a 50 year old? 0.99

02:00:34.000 People are like, you fucking asshole. 1.00

02:00:36.000 She doesn't even know any better. 1.00

02:00:37.000 She's only 50. She's basically a baby.

02:00:40.000 If you treat them like that until they're 50 and say you're not an adult.

02:00:44.000 I know you're 12. You can have a baby right now.

02:00:48.000 Nature said you are ready to actually procreate, but we've legislated that you can't be an adult until you're 18. So for the next six years, we're just going to treat you like a baby.

02:01:00.000 That's an unnecessary burden for the boy and the girl and the lack of explaining.

02:01:05.000 You're telling them every feeling that you have naturally is wrong.

02:01:11.000 We're not going to explain that to you.

02:01:14.000 Right.

02:01:14.000 Because we want to give you a good childhood.

02:01:17.000 Right.

02:01:18.000 You shouldn't have to deal with all these adult... 1.00

02:01:20.000 Well, that's what their fucking body's telling them! 1.00

02:01:23.000 So you better be honest, or all of a sudden, your kid's fucking a 38-year-old producer. 1.00

02:01:28.000 Well, it's also the problem with, like, looking at children as being different than a person. 0.99

02:01:33.000 It's like, no, this is mine.

02:01:34.000 I made them.

02:01:35.000 You are not gonna like boys, Michael.

02:01:38.000 You know?

02:01:39.000 You're gonna like girls, because you're a boy, and you're gonna carry on the Harris name, okay?

02:01:45.000 Ugh! 0.97

02:01:46.000 Alright dad, I'm sorry.

02:01:48.000 I'm not gay. 0.76

02:01:48.000 If I could have a kid, I would have a kid just for the long term practical joke of raising him gay. 0.76

02:01:55.000 You sound like a lesbian. 1.00

02:01:56.000 On YouTube. 0.99

02:01:58.000 And say, I was just trying to, who just had a kid?

02:02:02.000 And I was trying to pitch him this.

02:02:04.000 Probably Brendan Walsh.

02:02:06.000 Brendan Walsh. 0.98

02:02:07.000 Like, just go and just act like you're raising your kid gay. 1.00

02:02:11.000 And, you know, when you get older, two men meet each other. 0.95

02:02:15.000 And just say this to a baby. 0.99

02:02:18.000 I think you could easily, and this is gonna sound fucked up, I think you can easily convince a young kid that, like, sex with males is normal if everyone's doing it. 0.99

02:02:30.000 No, no, the idea was you have to... 0.99

02:02:34.000 Still sex shame the kid. 1.00

02:02:36.000 It's only okay to be gay once you're married after you're 18, but you're gay. 0.99

02:02:42.000 Are you gay when you're married to a girl or a guy?

02:02:45.000 The endgame is the kid has to eventually, when he's 18, come out as straight to his parents. 0.53

02:02:51.000 That's a problem if you have really progressive parents. 1.00

02:02:53.000 They're like, dude, we got super street cred for you being gay, you piece of shit. 1.00

02:02:56.000 Do you think you can be straight but trans? 1.00

02:02:59.000 You think you're willing to go there?

02:03:01.000 Let them negotiate.

02:03:02.000 They'll sit down at the table of progressive brownie points.

02:03:06.000 Hmm. 0.62

02:03:06.000 We were really happy about you being gay, Michael, and you being straight. 0.62

02:03:11.000 Frankly, it's a big bummer to our social system.

02:03:14.000 It's like, they're gonna think, here's what the word is.

02:03:16.000 You're never gonna work at the law firm.

02:03:18.000 They're gonna think we shamed you out of being gay, and that's simply not the case. 0.57

02:03:25.000 We have it so easy, Joe, where we can sit here with white privilege that we have.

02:03:32.000 We're not like Sam Seder.

02:03:33.000 Comedy privilege, which we have in droves, which is way better diamond elite status than just white privilege.

02:03:42.000 We have comedy privilege.

02:03:44.000 It's true.

02:03:44.000 Oh, they're just kidding.

02:03:45.000 No, we're not.

02:03:46.000 But it says comic.

02:03:48.000 Okay, if you're going to get cunty about it, I was just kidding. 0.98

02:03:51.000 And then it's all golden.

02:03:53.000 Well, you're clearly kidding because you're not saying it specifically in a form where you're trying to disseminate information.

02:03:58.000 You're trying to be funny as well.

02:04:00.000 So you'll say extreme things that don't necessarily represent your actual viewpoint just because you want it to be more hilarious.

02:04:07.000 If Sam Seder were funny all the time rather than that one tweet, he'd be fine.

02:04:13.000 Sorry, Sam.

02:04:14.000 Write more.

02:04:16.000 Jesus!

02:04:17.000 It's true.

02:04:18.000 But we have the luxury of having a social circle that is very tolerant.

02:04:24.000 Like, to the N-word degree, tolerant in a green room.

02:04:29.000 Wait a minute.

02:04:29.000 You can't say nigger word degree.

02:04:32.000 Oh, that was yesterday.

02:04:33.000 That doesn't even make sense.

02:04:35.000 That was like a gratuitous use of the N-word. 1.00

02:04:37.000 No, I was saying that in a green room when it's just comics, nigger, retard, cunt, dyke, fucking everything flies. 1.00

02:04:44.000 Yes, and when it doesn't, you get super upset. 1.00

02:04:47.000 Like, if someone says, ah, she's a cunt, and someone goes, hey man, you really shouldn't fucking talk about women like that. 1.00

02:04:52.000 You say you're a cunt. 1.00

02:04:53.000 Right. 1.00

02:04:53.000 To a feminist comedian, in the confines of a green room, everyone's free and clear. 1.00

02:05:00.000 At least the green rooms I've been part of. 1.00

02:05:02.000 Nobody has a problem with you calling a man a cunt. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Nobody. 0.99

02:05:05.000 Not in the UK. But, I mean, even in America. 0.99

02:05:08.000 If the guy really is a cunt... 1.00

02:05:11.000 Right? 1.00

02:05:12.000 Sorry, you looked immediately at Hennigan when you said that.

02:05:14.000 No, he's looking at me, he's nodding, and I'm just trying to bring him into the conversation. 0.99

02:05:18.000 You mean pull him out of his fucking laptop? 0.99

02:05:21.000 No, a little bit. 1.00

02:05:22.000 You know, we're all talking, we're friends. 1.00

02:05:24.000 Like, Saddam Hussein was a cunt. 1.00

02:05:26.000 I heard his kids were cunts. 1.00

02:05:28.000 His kids? 1.00

02:05:30.000 I heard they were cunts. 1.00

02:05:31.000 Those sons. 1.00

02:05:32.000 Nobody cares.

02:05:33.000 You could say that.

02:05:34.000 The two.

02:05:35.000 I don't know.

02:05:36.000 He might have had other sons. 0.99

02:05:37.000 I don't know if they're cunts. 0.99

02:05:38.000 But there were two cunts. 0.99

02:05:39.000 Udi was one of them. 0.98

02:05:40.000 And Cushet. 0.98

02:05:42.000 Cunts. 0.97

02:05:43.000 Yeah.

02:05:43.000 They apparently would find people when they were getting married.

02:05:47.000 They would take the bride, rape her, and then they would feed her to dogs. 1.00

02:05:52.000 Wow. 1.00

02:05:52.000 That's a little Caligula. 1.00

02:05:54.000 They were off the top evil.

02:05:56.000 Over the top.

02:05:58.000 Whoa.

02:05:58.000 Yeah.

02:05:59.000 I read that and I had to stop reading.

02:06:00.000 I was like, okay, I can't go on with this.

02:06:02.000 That's another thing about aging. 1.00

02:06:05.000 Not giving a fuck, but also giving more of a fuck. 1.00

02:06:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:08.000 When we were kids, we're the same age. 1.00

02:06:10.000 We would watch all that Faces of Death shit. 0.99

02:06:13.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:06:13.000 Couldn't get enough of it. 1.00

02:06:15.000 Now, I don't want to...

02:06:16.000 No. 1.00

02:06:16.000 No, I can't watch that shit. 1.00

02:06:18.000 Did you try that stevia? 1.00

02:06:19.000 No, I won't do it.

02:06:21.000 Of course you will.

02:06:22.000 I'm looking at it.

02:06:24.000 I'm like, he cracked it, he's never gonna drink it.

02:06:26.000 Never gonna drink it.

02:06:31.000 Bingo's all sugar-free, and she used to get a Diet Coke.

02:06:36.000 We're going through a drive-through.

02:06:38.000 Diet Coke.

02:06:38.000 And they pressed the little thing on the top to show you which one's diet and which one's regular.

02:06:44.000 Check this to make sure, because she knows how much I hate artificial sweeteners.

02:06:49.000 I don't want to know, because I don't drink that for a reason. 1.00

02:06:52.000 The aftertaste never leaves your fucking mouth. 1.00

02:06:55.000 Stevie is no different. 1.00

02:06:56.000 Splenda.

02:06:57.000 What's the sucralose?

02:06:59.000 It's awful.

02:07:00.000 I just can't have sugar, so try this for me.

02:07:05.000 If you're a thirsty diabetic and you pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1.45 a.m., what percentage of the time do you get a giant vat of sugar?

02:07:13.000 If you're like, I just like, extra large, Diet Coke, that's it.

02:07:18.000 Okay!

02:07:19.000 Don't.

02:07:20.000 At least one out of a hundred, you're getting a vat of sugar water, right?

02:07:24.000 At least one out of a hundred.

02:07:25.000 I mean, I'm assuming it's kind of like in restaurants, they don't brew anything other than decaf after eight o'clock.

02:07:30.000 I think the dude who's monitoring that thing is going to slip on a puddle of his own drool and slam his head into the regular Coke. 0.98

02:07:38.000 It's going to fill your shit up with something that's going to give you a seizure. 0.99

02:07:41.000 That's what I think. 1.00

02:07:42.000 I'm going to fill that fucking thing up to the top with very little ice because he doesn't want to be cheap. 0.99

02:07:46.000 Oh, this is where I was going. 0.99

02:07:48.000 I fucking had a thing I was going to. 0.98

02:07:50.000 Oh. 0.97

02:07:51.000 This is about...

02:07:51.000 Hennigan?

02:07:53.000 Yeah.

02:07:53.000 Last year.

02:07:54.000 Uh-huh.

02:07:54.000 A year ago.

02:07:56.000 A little bit over a year ago.

02:07:58.000 End of the World Podcast.

02:08:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:01.000 I don't know if I've seen you once since then.

02:08:03.000 I think we saw each other once.

02:08:05.000 I think you came to the store once.

02:08:07.000 You've been back on here, I think.

02:08:09.000 Maybe.

02:08:10.000 Either way, end of the world podcast.

02:08:13.000 I was not in a good place, to say the least.

02:08:16.000 Yeah, but I will tell you one thing that I said to all my friends.

02:08:19.000 I said I admire the fact that you pushed through it, and even though you were a little bit flustered, you were still gregarious.

02:08:26.000 I can't watch the video.

02:08:28.000 I'm sure.

02:08:29.000 You were in a weird place.

02:08:30.000 Tell everybody why.

02:08:32.000 My gal, Bingo, had just gone into...

02:08:36.000 Possibly terminal.

02:08:37.000 She had a seizure, fell down, smashed her head on the cement, life-flighted in a coma.

02:08:43.000 She might not make it.

02:08:44.000 If she does make it, it might be worse than not making it at all.

02:08:48.000 And I said...

02:08:49.000 I didn't know how to handle that. 1.00

02:08:51.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:08:52.000 I didn't know either. 1.00

02:08:53.000 But I made the decision since it happened during her 40th birthday party.

02:08:58.000 So all of her friends and family were at the house in Bisbee.

02:09:02.000 It happened.

02:09:03.000 So she's surrounded by all these people who took a week off to be there for a five-day party.

02:09:09.000 They're there.

02:09:10.000 I can't help her.

02:09:12.000 She's in a coma.

02:09:13.000 Me standing with the family staring at a half-corpse is not going to help.

02:09:17.000 Bucket, I'm going to do this thing.

02:09:19.000 This is a big deal.

02:09:20.000 And it was a huge... 0.95

02:09:22.000 It's pretty goddamn epic, Douglas. 0.99

02:09:24.000 Fucking amazing. 0.99

02:09:25.000 We were there when Donald Trump was elected president, and Bill Burr might have had the greatest podcast appearance of all time. 0.97

02:09:32.000 You know what it was like? 0.99

02:09:33.000 It was like one of them Michael Jordan things that you would watch when you were a kid, and you're like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:09:37.000 It's how he... 0.99

02:09:39.000 His whole heckler YouTube thing in Philly.

02:09:43.000 Yeah.

02:09:44.000 That's him.

02:09:45.000 And now he one-upped it by doing the End of the World podcast.

02:09:49.000 He was on fire.

02:09:50.000 I mean, he was on fire with the point where everybody stepped back.

02:09:53.000 Except...

02:09:53.000 What was the gal that had a different...

02:09:56.000 Well, this is where we're going.

02:09:57.000 Sarah Tiana.

02:09:58.000 I don't know her.

02:09:58.000 That was all because of Brian Hennigan.

02:10:00.000 Exactly.

02:10:00.000 This is where we're going.

02:10:02.000 Yeah.

02:10:02.000 Because I wanted to name drop Olivia Grace.

02:10:04.000 She's hilarious. 0.97

02:10:05.000 Fucking funny. 0.98

02:10:06.000 She just did a show... 0.99

02:10:09.000 Yeah, she said she started when she was 18, now she's 22. She just did a show at my house.

02:10:14.000 They were just on tour.

02:10:16.000 That's hilarious. 0.87

02:10:17.000 And goddammit, I can't remember something Jewish with a first name. 0.86

02:10:22.000 Jewie McJewstein? 0.95

02:10:24.000 No, they're on tour. 1.00

02:10:26.000 Fuck, I'm sorry, Jewie guy. 1.00

02:10:28.000 Jewie, Jewie? 1.00

02:10:29.000 They were both funny.

02:10:31.000 They showed up.

02:10:32.000 Jewie, Jewie, Jewie, Jewie. 0.99

02:10:35.000 Goddamn, look it up. 0.99

02:10:36.000 Find it somehow. 0.99

02:10:38.000 Olivia Grace's Twitter.

02:10:40.000 She's hilarious.

02:10:40.000 They're on tour.

02:10:41.000 Point being, Olivia Grace.

02:10:42.000 So they come through, they had a night off, and they stayed at the house, and we forced them to do a show. 0.94

02:10:48.000 Oh, it sounds like rape. 0.98

02:10:49.000 I don't know if that was Thanksgiving or what. 0.93

02:10:51.000 You force them to do a show.

02:10:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:10:53.000 Well, she didn't have to watch me jerk off. 0.99

02:10:55.000 In 20 years, doing a show, forcing someone to do a show is gonna be the new rape. 0.99

02:10:59.000 Eric Friedman.

02:11:00.000 Eric Friedman.

02:11:01.000 Chewy.

02:11:02.000 The first name's not Chewy.

02:11:03.000 Anyway, they went up.

02:11:05.000 It's like the original Hulk.

02:11:05.000 We had Castle Rock Kenny go up and do rap first, so...

02:11:09.000 We have a little stage in our little fun house where we do our podcast, and we can make it a show like that, and it's always the best audiences.

02:11:17.000 Never has a show failed there.

02:11:19.000 They're always great, because my...

02:11:20.000 They're in your house.

02:11:21.000 But the people that come to my house, they couldn't name their favorite comedian because they don't know.

02:11:27.000 They'd go, Jim Belushi?

02:11:29.000 Is he a comedian still?

02:11:30.000 They're great. 0.51

02:11:32.000 They killed. 1.00

02:11:32.000 She fucking crushed. 1.00

02:11:34.000 But she told me, let's get back to the End of the World podcast. 0.99

02:11:39.000 I had told Hennigan, yeah, we should probably have some kind of diversity.

02:11:45.000 This is before that night.

02:11:48.000 All rules are changed. 0.99

02:11:49.000 Someone's looking for a fucking development deal. 1.00

02:11:51.000 Well, when we were planning it out, what it should be, that night, I'm fucked. 1.00

02:11:56.000 My head is, is my lady gonna live or die? 0.99

02:12:00.000 Why am I here?

02:12:01.000 I shouldn't have done this.

02:12:03.000 Let's make the best of it. 1.00

02:12:05.000 I go in the bathroom and the fucking... 1.00

02:12:07.000 The shower. 1.00

02:12:08.000 For some reason they have a shower.

02:12:10.000 There's a shower at the back of the Comedy Store.

02:12:11.000 No one's ever used it once.

02:12:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:13.000 So stupid. 1.00

02:12:14.000 I would go back there and I'd fucking fall apart crying and then I'd come back out on stage and try to keep it together. 1.00

02:12:20.000 Well, Hennigan is still thinking... 0.98

02:12:23.000 I told...

02:12:24.000 We need women on this. 1.00

02:12:26.000 It's all white men. 0.98

02:12:27.000 So he's just...

02:12:28.000 He has no discretion.

02:12:30.000 He's just getting... 1.00

02:12:32.000 Any woman enforcing her on stage, and you're going, what the fuck? 1.00

02:12:37.000 I wasn't there. 0.99

02:12:38.000 I wasn't there when she came out.

02:12:41.000 You were saying, why is she?

02:12:42.000 I go, it's probably my fault.

02:12:44.000 I probably...

02:12:45.000 Why's your manager saying we need women? 1.00

02:12:48.000 Well, I probably said it, but...

02:12:50.000 Here's the thing that's important.

02:12:52.000 Most of the people that you had on that dais, that stage, whether it's Bill Burr, whether it's Burt Kreischer, or Doug, or me...

02:13:00.000 Jeffrey showed up with his kid?

02:13:02.000 That was the weirdest.

02:13:04.000 That was weird.

02:13:05.000 He came on stage with a little kid, and we were like, hey man, you literally can't do this.

02:13:10.000 Legally.

02:13:11.000 Like, legally can't do this.

02:13:12.000 I can't say it's okay to do this.

02:13:14.000 We can't talk about the same things that we were going to talk in front of your kid. 0.99

02:13:17.000 It's fucking creepy. 0.99

02:13:17.000 Like, if you have your kid on stage and Doug wants to talk about anal vibrators and, like, it's the hardest he's ever come, and, you know, the gal was drowning and gagging, but it felt so good. 0.99

02:13:29.000 He's like, how long does it take before you can resuscitate someone with no brain damage?

02:13:35.000 Like, what if she blacks out from all the comments coming out because of...

02:13:39.000 Let's get back to this.

02:13:40.000 You couldn't do that in front of his kid.

02:13:42.000 Let me get the point and let's go back to this.

02:13:45.000 Because Olivia Grace, when she was down in Bisbee, she said she was there that night when Brian Hennigan was scouring the audience for female comics.

02:13:55.000 Don't throw Brian under the bus.

02:13:56.000 She's very boyish.

02:13:58.000 She has a very short haircut.

02:13:59.000 She's very boyish.

02:14:00.000 And he's like, no, we need female comedians. 0.99

02:14:04.000 And he tapped her and he went...

02:14:06.000 Not you.

02:14:07.000 Alan moved on! 1.00

02:14:09.000 Oh, Brian, you're a piece of shit. 1.00

02:14:15.000 Olivia, if I did that, a discredit. 1.00

02:14:17.000 If there was a better story, we'll call in on the hotline.

02:14:21.000 She's hilarious.

02:14:21.000 You're fired.

02:14:22.000 Anyway.

02:14:23.000 You're fired from the production of The End of the World Part 2. Let's do another one.

02:14:26.000 When do you want to do it?

02:14:27.000 We have to find...

02:14:28.000 I've been looking for it since you said that.

02:14:30.000 Let's do it in January.

02:14:32.000 Let's do it at the Comedy Store in January, and let's just find some random Tuesday. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Hey, shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:14:39.000 Who let this guy talk?! 1.00

02:14:41.000 It'd be good if you had something to... 0.90

02:14:43.000 Oh, maybe we can bring some women or some blacks. 1.00

02:14:46.000 Do you have any people to call her?

02:14:48.000 We can insert into the podcast.

02:14:50.000 Well, I'm sorry for...

02:14:52.000 I'm sorry for adapting to America.

02:14:55.000 Oh, listen, you're not adapting to America.

02:14:56.000 You're influencing art.

02:14:58.000 How dare you?

02:14:59.000 Let's do it on the anniversary of the Amistad.

02:15:04.000 Perhaps we should make this podcast comprised of Shabrila law. 0.99

02:15:09.000 Can we comply with Sharia law?

02:15:14.000 You don't want to be an Islamophobic on a podcast in 2018?

02:15:22.000 How long do women wear the burqas? 1.00

02:15:25.000 It's going to be on YouTube.

02:15:27.000 You don't want to ruin the desert.

02:15:31.000 No new ideas in the middle of the desert, lad.

02:15:37.000 Hey, 2017! 1.00

02:15:39.000 We need equal parts vaginas and penises. 1.00

02:15:42.000 It doesn't matter how funny they are. 1.00

02:15:44.000 Come on, we gotta avoid criticism at all costs.

02:15:48.000 I, again, I take credit.

02:15:50.000 I was probably the one who said it.

02:15:52.000 No, it's my fault. 0.99

02:15:53.000 I fucked up. 0.94

02:15:54.000 I should have talked to everybody beforehand. 1.00

02:15:55.000 There was no talking to me.

02:15:56.000 I should have talked to the security guards and said, don't let anybody back here.

02:16:00.000 No one gets on stage unless Doug and I say yes. 0.99

02:16:02.000 Tell Hannigan to shut the fuck up. 0.99

02:16:04.000 I know only from hearing secondhand, even though I was there. 0.99

02:16:08.000 I knew there was, whatever that girl was, there was a... 1.00

02:16:11.000 Saratiana?

02:16:12.000 Oh, Morgan Murphy was on it, too.

02:16:14.000 Morgan Murphy's amazing. 1.00

02:16:14.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:16:16.000 Look, and I like Sara Tiana, too. 0.99

02:16:19.000 I wasn't there when the issue happened, but she apparently had some issue, and it was all not a humorous discussion. 0.99

02:16:27.000 It was like a sincere discussion of how bad it was that Donald Trump was going to win and how bad it was for women, because it was right after the Grab Them By The Pussy video or audio video. 1.00

02:16:38.000 So there was a lot of shit going on. 1.00

02:16:40.000 I wasn't there. 0.99

02:16:41.000 I'd gone to the other room.

02:16:42.000 I did a set in the OR, and I came back, and everybody was like, oh man, he missed this crazy blowout between Bill Burr and Saratiana.

02:16:48.000 That's my point, is that is not a negative or a deficit if there's huge blown-up conflict on a podcast.

02:16:57.000 People actually...

02:17:00.000 That's not what we planned.

02:17:01.000 You're right.

02:17:02.000 But people will click on it because they heard at some point there's a big blowout.

02:17:07.000 As long as we can keep Sarah Tiana off Twitter for a couple weeks. 0.70

02:17:12.000 I don't know her.

02:17:13.000 I don't remember her.

02:17:15.000 But I mean reading the people that commented on it. 0.95

02:17:17.000 Some of the people were like particularly fucking mean when they commented on it. 0.94

02:17:21.000 I'm like, okay, okay, everybody relax. 0.97

02:17:23.000 Bingo put out a book.

02:17:26.000 It's not a book.

02:17:27.000 Her first mental institution stay when she was 5150, against her will, like when she was hardcore crazy before we get together, she wrote like an Anne Frank diary in the moment of what's going on.

02:17:41.000 And she put that out as a book, her Anne Frank diary.

02:17:47.000 And, you know, bingo.

02:17:48.000 She's a soft touch.

02:17:49.000 And I'm like, you can't read comments.

02:17:52.000 Oh, yeah.

02:17:52.000 You're not strong enough.

02:17:54.000 People on the internet, there's gonna be someone who's a fucking asshole. 1.00

02:17:58.000 So just don't go there. 1.00

02:18:00.000 She does. 1.00

02:18:01.000 Eventually, someone's gonna be a fucking cocksucker and you're not gonna be able to handle it. 1.00

02:18:06.000 You're not like us. 1.00

02:18:07.000 I have a hard time. 1.00

02:18:08.000 I won't look at fucking YouTube comments. 0.99

02:18:11.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

02:18:13.000 Yeah.

02:18:14.000 Well, it's just not...

02:18:16.000 Here's the thing.

02:18:17.000 I wish everybody was cool.

02:18:19.000 And there's an absolute reality when you do...

02:18:22.000 You put out as much content as you or I or a lot of us.

02:18:28.000 There's gonna be some stuff that you like and stuff that you don't like.

02:18:31.000 And there's just gonna be styles you like.

02:18:32.000 There's certain people that don't like...

02:18:34.000 Someone the other day online, I showed a picture of me and Dave Attell. 0.99

02:18:38.000 And they were like, fuck that guy, he's never funny. 0.99

02:18:40.000 I'm like, oh my god! 1.00

02:18:42.000 Okay, you can exist.

02:18:44.000 I don't think you should die, but I can't talk to you.

02:18:47.000 I just can't. 0.99

02:18:50.000 I got done watching David Tell for 20 minutes of the improv with half a crowd, and I was fucking literally crying.

02:18:56.000 You don't want to do comedy again.

02:18:58.000 It was wonderful.

02:18:59.000 It was a break.

02:19:00.000 I got to be an audience member.

02:19:01.000 It was amazing. 1.00

02:19:02.000 But somebody out there was like, fuck that guy. 1.00

02:19:05.000 Would he say fuck that guy if he's sitting next to me in that room that night? 1.00

02:19:09.000 Man, there's no way. 1.00

02:19:10.000 There's no way.

02:19:12.000 There was only like...

02:19:13.000 There might have been 60 people in that room and Attell was destroying.

02:19:17.000 I mean, destroying. 1.00

02:19:18.000 I was like, you can't say fuck that guy if you watch that. 1.00

02:19:21.000 It was so funny. 1.00

02:19:25.000 Isn't it often the case that...

02:19:27.000 I know this definitely with Doug's audience.

02:19:29.000 Do you hate headphones? 1.00

02:19:32.000 They're hurting my fucking ears. 1.00

02:19:34.000 You guys can swap out. 1.00

02:19:35.000 I just fucking sweat. 0.98

02:19:37.000 But isn't it the case that... 0.99

02:19:40.000 There's somebody who's like one of Doug's fans who's like, I'm helping Joe by saying get rid of that guy because I just want to hear Joe.

02:19:49.000 Like it's a competition.

02:19:49.000 That's the problem with the last comic standings.

02:19:53.000 People go, oh, you're way better than so-and-so.

02:19:56.000 It's not a competition.

02:19:57.000 They do that in your face. 0.99

02:20:00.000 They'll do it to you.

02:20:01.000 They'll walk right up to you and go, you are so much funnier than that guy.

02:20:05.000 The guy that you brought out of your own pocket because you thought that...

02:20:10.000 This guy should be known to your audience.

02:20:13.000 They act like this opening act was forced upon you.

02:20:17.000 No, I brought him out of my own pocket because I thought you would enjoy him and he needs to be seen.

02:20:23.000 Right. 1.00

02:20:23.000 And you're fucking... 1.00

02:20:25.000 I like that you do that. 1.00

02:20:26.000 You do that like I do that.

02:20:27.000 I think that's super important.

02:20:29.000 You know, bring guys like Brendan Walsh out on the road and all these dudes you bring out and tell people about them.

02:20:35.000 But that's a big part about this era, as opposed to the old eras, is that I think this era is more supportive.

02:20:42.000 There's more opportunities, so people don't feel famine.

02:20:44.000 You know, they don't feel like, oh, only one guy could be the host of The Tonight Show.

02:20:48.000 That's not a thing anymore.

02:20:49.000 No, no.

02:20:50.000 Like, if somebody offered me The Tonight Show, I'd be like, what the...

02:20:53.000 What do you want me to do? 0.99

02:20:55.000 You want me to go and fucking talk about shit I don't want to talk about? 0.99

02:20:59.000 What do you think happens if you make more money? 1.00

02:21:02.000 We did Ferguson last night.

02:21:05.000 I thought you meant where the riots took place.

02:21:08.000 No, no, Craig Ferguson, we did his podcast last night, and I told him, I go, I hated you when I first saw you, because I don't watch late night, but if I was flipping channels and I saw you for a minute with your accent and getting your face into that, like,

02:21:24.000 fisheye lens thing he would do in his monologue, I didn't like you until I heard you on Stern, and all of a sudden he was a human being for an hour and 20 minutes.

02:21:34.000 He's a guy with good stories, and he hated...

02:21:38.000 He's like, no one would accept the fact that he did not want to do anything else.

02:21:43.000 They're offering him other projects.

02:21:45.000 He's like, no, I'm good.

02:21:46.000 I'm done.

02:21:47.000 But Hollywood hates that.

02:21:49.000 He quit.

02:21:49.000 I mean, that's the greatest thing about his decision-making.

02:21:53.000 He's like, I don't want to do this anymore.

02:21:54.000 And now he does stand-up, and he just did a Netflix special.

02:21:57.000 Yeah, and he's doing a podcast because he goes, I've got to do something.

02:21:59.000 I want to talk, but I don't want to do it by their rules.

02:22:03.000 And no one believes when you don't have...

02:22:06.000 That's kind of half the through line of the book.

02:22:10.000 I want to do what I do, but no one buys that you don't need to be more famous.

02:22:17.000 I liken it to eating eggplant.

02:22:21.000 If I eat a little bit of eggplant and I don't like it, I know I don't want more.

02:22:26.000 Eggplant's delicious.

02:22:27.000 Do you not like eggplant?

02:22:28.000 Oh, with stevia on it. 1.00

02:22:30.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:22:32.000 You ever had eggplant parmesan? 1.00

02:22:34.000 One time my mother tried to make it, and it was so grotesque that when she's saying, you gotta eat it, and then when she tried it, she goes, alright, give me all your plates.

02:22:42.000 This came out bad.

02:22:44.000 Sorry.

02:22:45.000 Well, maybe that's what it was.

02:22:46.000 Maybe if you went to a real Italian restaurant, Yonkers, or something like that.

02:22:49.000 If you don't like a little bit of fame, you know you're not gonna like a lot.

02:22:53.000 Yes.

02:22:54.000 So it's not like...

02:22:54.000 Well, I think you like a little bit.

02:22:56.000 Let's be real.

02:22:57.000 A little bit is great.

02:22:58.000 You like a little bit.

02:22:59.000 And I think a little bit is good.

02:23:00.000 I think it's all good as long as the numbers are manageable and you can stay yourself.

02:23:05.000 I think the real problem is when you go, look, here's the best example.

02:23:08.000 Michael Jackson.

02:23:09.000 There's never been a better example in the world of toxicity due to celebrity status.

02:23:15.000 Like, you hit critical levels. 1.00

02:23:17.000 You hit some Three Mile Island shit. 1.00

02:23:19.000 You hit some Chernobyl shit. 1.00

02:23:21.000 It's impossible to maintain the amount of energy that's coming your way as a normal human being. 1.00

02:23:27.000 I mean, you don't have any unique DNA that allows you to deal with the idea that 300 million people know who you are, or more. 0.99

02:23:35.000 If you're Michael Jackson, they want to tear your DNA out and put it in a Petri dish and make a fucking clone out of you. 0.98

02:23:42.000 And frame it and put it in their man cave. 1.00

02:23:45.000 And there's a bunch of people that think that maybe you're molesting kids and you got a fucking amusement park in your backyard and you're literally losing your mind. 0.99

02:23:51.000 And you tell a guy, hey man, I can't sleep. 1.00

02:23:53.000 I want you to anesthetize me every night in a fucking tube. 1.00

02:23:57.000 Just put me in some fucking crazy hyperbaric chamber and pump in the gas. 1.00

02:24:02.000 I mean, this guy was off the fucking reservation. 0.99

02:24:05.000 There had never been anybody that famous before. 0.97

02:24:08.000 He was literally the guy with the candle at the end of the universe.

02:24:13.000 Going, oh my god, I think there's more room!

02:24:17.000 No one's ever been here before!

02:24:19.000 No one's ever been that famous.

02:24:20.000 And what happened?

02:24:21.000 He went crazy.

02:24:22.000 He went completely insane. 0.97

02:24:24.000 And died young.

02:24:25.000 And nowhere between 1990 and 2017 does it look like any of what's happened to him is manageable.

02:24:32.000 It's like he's running down a hill, like tumbling down a hill, and he's okay for the first decade, maybe the first two decades, but after a while he's just getting chewed the fuck up, psychologically, physically.

02:24:43.000 He keeps getting more plastic surgery.

02:24:46.000 And his psyche, I don't think he was ever...

02:24:48.000 Very stable psychologically.

02:24:50.000 No, no, I don't think so either.

02:24:52.000 I mean, I don't know, but have you ever seen that documentary on him? 0.93

02:24:54.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.81

02:24:56.000 I love that. 0.98

02:24:57.000 That documentary is the first time...

02:24:59.000 This is it.

02:25:00.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

02:25:01.000 It's brilliant.

02:25:02.000 Again, I don't know music. 0.98

02:25:03.000 To watch that, you go, oh, this guy really did know what the fuck he was doing. 0.99

02:25:07.000 I just don't get it. 0.98

02:25:08.000 He was really brilliant. 0.96

02:25:10.000 I just think the songs suck. 0.99

02:25:12.000 Well, they suck... 1.00

02:25:14.000 In terms of what you want to hear right now. 1.00

02:25:17.000 Everything requires context, right?

02:25:20.000 Do you remember when...

02:25:21.000 I was a kid, and I remember this really clearly because I was in high school and I was living at home and I was listening to WCOZ in Boston.

02:25:29.000 No.

02:25:30.000 W... FNX? No.

02:25:33.000 No, WCOZ. That was right.

02:25:35.000 WCOZ in Boston.

02:25:37.000 It was a radio station in Boston in the 1980s.

02:25:39.000 It was a rock and roll station.

02:25:40.000 And the guy came on who was a DJ. I wish I could remember.

02:25:43.000 It wasn't Mark Parenteau, who was like the big one.

02:25:45.000 It wasn't Dave Maynard in the morning.

02:25:48.000 But the guy came on.

02:25:49.000 He played Michael Jackson.

02:25:51.000 He played a Michael Jackson song.

02:25:53.000 I think it was Beat It.

02:25:54.000 And he said, look, I know this.

02:25:56.000 No, he played Billie Jean.

02:25:57.000 He goes, I know this isn't rock and roll because it's so good.

02:26:01.000 I have to play it.

02:26:03.000 And he played it.

02:26:04.000 And he played Billie Jean.

02:26:05.000 There was no Twitter back then. 1.00

02:26:07.000 Fuckin' with this nigger music! 1.00

02:26:09.000 Well, not only that, this guy was a real DJ. He was like one of the last of the real DJs that could literally decide, hey, I just heard this... 1.00

02:26:17.000 Wolfman Jack. 0.99

02:26:18.000 Yeah, this Lou Reed record that you fuckers have to hear from the beginning to the end. 0.99

02:26:23.000 I want you to listen from the beginning to the end. 0.98

02:26:25.000 So I'm gonna play this.

02:26:27.000 You know, you hear Bruce Springsteen when he was like 30, you know?

02:26:31.000 Like beginning to the end, you know?

02:26:34.000 They used to do that.

02:26:36.000 They used to sit there and listen.

02:26:38.000 That doesn't exist anymore.

02:26:41.000 This is one of the problems with money, right?

02:26:44.000 There's problems with trademarks and the ability to put things on YouTube and whether or not you can get credit for this or put that up or that up.

02:26:51.000 A radio station, if it just wanted to appear right now and do like that kind of a thing, it'd probably be almost impossible.

02:26:58.000 Like, how many radio stations are there in the world where they would let you just play a whole Bruce Springsteen album from the beginning to the end?

02:27:04.000 Well, terrestrial radio at this point could probably play child porn, just soundtracks, and no one's listening anymore.

02:27:12.000 Do you still do, like, goober in the morning when you have to promote a gig?

02:27:17.000 I don't have to do that.

02:27:18.000 I don't, but I miss some people.

02:27:21.000 I miss Kevin and Bean.

02:27:22.000 Johnny Dare in Kansas City.

02:27:24.000 I miss that guy.

02:27:25.000 He's a good guy.

02:27:26.000 We didn't have to do it, but Johnny Dare and I have enough of a history, so when I went to Kansas City, I got there the night before, I said, alright, if I wake up at 6 a.m., which I did, and we went down just for fun and we took over morning radio.

02:27:42.000 And Johnny Dare, in passing, he's like, he knows my house is all weird, so he's showing me pictures of his house, and he's got all sorts of fucked up weird kind of things, and...

02:27:55.000 What's his name?

02:27:57.000 Patrick McGee!

02:27:58.000 Oh.

02:27:59.000 I'm like, I go...

02:28:01.000 No, I go, yeah, my tour manager, Greg Chaley, does Ghost Ride. 0.99

02:28:06.000 He goes, all this shit came from Ghost Ride! 0.99

02:28:08.000 I go to the St. Louis... 1.00

02:28:09.000 Yeah, that's the second time now that a morning radio guy like Joe Rogan...

02:28:15.000 I'm wanting to go.

02:28:16.000 Meanwhile, Hennessy's over there reading.

02:28:18.000 Hennessy?

02:28:18.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:28:20.000 I was just checking up on...

02:28:21.000 I was just reading the comments and seeing if we should alter our behavior.

02:28:24.000 He's not a guest.

02:28:25.000 I was bringing more diversity.

02:28:26.000 I've got a few African students I would like to have into the studio.

02:28:29.000 For the record, Hennigan is not technically a guest.

02:28:33.000 His name's Hennessy.

02:28:34.000 But when Hennessy is a guest on my podcast, he does the same thing.

02:28:40.000 He'll sit there. 0.99

02:28:41.000 You can't fucking read your laptop. 1.00

02:28:45.000 While you're a guest. 1.00

02:28:46.000 You can't do that. 1.00

02:28:47.000 Close that shit, bitch. 1.00

02:28:48.000 I just wanted to look at... 1.00

02:28:49.000 He's fine.

02:28:50.000 He's tweeting.

02:28:51.000 I was looking at the...

02:28:52.000 Because I remember noticing this before.

02:28:54.000 Somebody had edited out the best of Bill Burr on the podcast election night as a standalone video.

02:29:02.000 And it's got 900,000 views.

02:29:05.000 Just the best of Bill Burr.

02:29:07.000 He smashed it.

02:29:08.000 He smashed it.

02:29:09.000 It was so perfect for him because he had material... 0.99

02:29:12.000 Fucking held it up. 0.98

02:29:13.000 It was awesome. 0.99

02:29:14.000 But it was great to have all those other people keep coming in.

02:29:16.000 No, dude, you were great.

02:29:18.000 Listen, you and I have been friends for so long, I knew what you were going through.

02:29:21.000 I was like, I just don't know what to do.

02:29:23.000 I didn't know how to handle it.

02:29:24.000 I didn't know to joke around with you.

02:29:26.000 But I was trying to bail out of it before the coma.

02:29:30.000 I was saying, I don't think I'm the guy for the job. 1.00

02:29:34.000 You're like, fuck you, you're coming to L.A. So then when the seizure happened, I go, he's going to think that her coma is an excuse. 1.00

02:29:42.000 I didn't. 0.99

02:29:43.000 But I was in a fucking place. 1.00

02:29:45.000 How about Marilyn Manson backstage with a golf shirt on or some shit? 1.00

02:29:48.000 Oh my god, he showed up. 0.99

02:29:49.000 He showed up like...

02:29:53.000 The end of the movie Flight, which is the best ending to a movie ever.

02:29:57.000 That's the Denzel Washington where he crashes the plane, but he saves the entire crew like Sully.

02:30:03.000 Like Lost.

02:30:03.000 Like Sully.

02:30:04.000 Right.

02:30:04.000 Like Lost.

02:30:05.000 But he was fucked up. 1.00

02:30:07.000 He was jacked and fucked in the movie. 1.00

02:30:09.000 And at the end, he's drunk as shit. 1.00

02:30:12.000 And John Goodman, his drug dealer, comes in and fixes him with cocaine so he can testify. 1.00

02:30:18.000 Whoa.

02:30:19.000 It's the best ending of a movie ever.

02:30:22.000 I might have to go see that movie.

02:30:22.000 Watch the beginning, and then fast forward through the fluff in the middle and get to the end, and it's one of the best.

02:30:29.000 Manson showed up.

02:30:32.000 Jamie, take notes.

02:30:33.000 Beginning.

02:30:34.000 The void of the middle.

02:30:35.000 There's an Artoid.

02:30:38.000 There's a giant picture in Johnny's house where I'm staring at this.

02:30:41.000 It looks like Manson. 0.99

02:30:43.000 And I thought, fuck, Manson, as weird and unstable as he is, is the only guy I can think of that would understand where I am right now, why I'm here, how fucked I am, what's going on, 0.99

02:30:59.000 and I called him and he answered his phone, which he never answers his phone, at 5.30 at night, which is morning for him. 0.99

02:31:06.000 And I told him what's going on.

02:31:08.000 He said, I'll be there in 30 minutes.

02:31:10.000 And he showed up with Krispy Kremes and cocaine.

02:31:15.000 And he fixed the whole problem.

02:31:17.000 And then he showed up and he sat backstage.

02:31:20.000 He wouldn't come out on stage.

02:31:21.000 And once I was beckoning for him to come out, that's when his management people caught wind of the fact that he's about to go out.

02:31:31.000 And his handler had to drag him away. 0.99

02:31:33.000 But he saved my fucking life that night. 1.00

02:31:35.000 Who are his fucking handlers? 1.00

02:31:37.000 Who knows? 1.00

02:31:38.000 We need to talk to them.

02:31:39.000 Tell them to relax.

02:31:41.000 They're writing a book right now.

02:31:43.000 Look at me.

02:31:43.000 Relax.

02:31:45.000 Settle down. 1.00

02:31:46.000 You're handling Marilyn motherfucking Manson. 0.99

02:31:49.000 Okay? 0.99

02:31:50.000 Alright.

02:31:50.000 There you go.

02:31:51.000 It's not Jim Neighbors.

02:31:52.000 Okay?

02:31:53.000 You just let him go.

02:31:54.000 He's one of the few guys that are actually still rock and roll guys.

02:31:58.000 Really doing it.

02:31:58.000 Oh my god.

02:32:00.000 What do they want to do?

02:32:01.000 Keep them out of legal trouble?

02:32:02.000 Keep them alive? 0.99

02:32:03.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:32:04.000 You need a secondary version. 0.99

02:32:06.000 You need guys who are lawyers who are on Adderall, and they report to the lawyers who are sober.

02:32:13.000 You have two filters.

02:32:15.000 You have dudes who understand people on coke.

02:32:18.000 Because they're basically on some sort of synthetic coke, and then they have to wear police body cameras, and they report to the lawyers who are sober, who get drug tested every day.

02:32:28.000 And they go, okay, what exactly is going on?

02:32:30.000 Everybody has a say, and they bean count together, and they go, how do we handle this? 0.99

02:32:35.000 Well, we handle this by the fact that we're handling Marilyn fucking Manson! 0.99

02:32:39.000 Let him do it! 1.00

02:32:40.000 Let him go! 1.00

02:32:41.000 Give him the gun! 0.94

02:32:46.000 He's such a sweet dude.

02:32:48.000 Yeah, he's a very nice guy.

02:32:50.000 I met him a couple of times.

02:32:51.000 He's always been very friendly, like genuinely friendly.

02:32:54.000 Sorry, I turned that on.

02:32:56.000 I was going to show you a picture.

02:32:58.000 I can't wait to tweet this, but I have to wait for the right time.

02:33:01.000 I like the fact that you shut off your phone like a gentleman.

02:33:02.000 Plus, I like the fact that your phone makes a starting noise from 2006. What is that?

02:33:09.000 One of them Samsung Galaxy ones? 0.97

02:33:11.000 Rogan used to bust my balls because I was the last guy with a flip phone. 0.97

02:33:15.000 So depressing. 0.98

02:33:16.000 And you'd have all the new gadgetry.

02:33:18.000 And I was so proud to have a flip phone.

02:33:20.000 But when we started working the UK... Nobody calls. 0.95

02:33:25.000 Everyone only texts, because I guess phone calls cost a fucking thousand pounds a minute or something.

02:33:31.000 So I had to actually get a smartphone, but I still long for the flip phone days.

02:33:37.000 Well, Samsung just came out with a new phone that's a hybrid.

02:33:39.000 It's a combination of a smartphone and a flip phone.

02:33:42.000 And you open it up, and you can get an actual keyboard.

02:33:46.000 And you talk to people, just like a regular flip phone, and when you're done, you hang it up, and the front of the phone is a bezel-less smartphone.

02:33:54.000 So the front of the phone acts...

02:33:55.000 Bezel-less?

02:33:56.000 Yeah, like you can do text messages, you can view the internet, and then when you want to open it up and make phone calls, it acts like a regular old school flip phone.

02:34:03.000 And people really like it, in terms of like pressing physical buttons.

02:34:07.000 Yes.

02:34:07.000 Yeah.

02:34:08.000 Can you watch a movie on your fucking smartphone? 1.00

02:34:11.000 No. 1.00

02:34:11.000 I know people that... 1.00

02:34:12.000 On behalf of Bisbee, they don't have cable.

02:34:14.000 That's why football is popular at my house, because no one has TV. So they can't watch it unless they come to my house.

02:34:21.000 But I know people that watch, they'll just sit and watch an entire movie on a phone.

02:34:27.000 I can't watch it on a 32-inch screen. 0.99

02:34:30.000 I need a big fucking screen to watch a movie. 0.99

02:34:33.000 Yeah, I think 100%. 0.99

02:34:34.000 I go, the only time that there's that phone, the only time is like when you're on a plane or something, you're trapped and all you have is your phone.

02:34:40.000 Look at that phone, Doug.

02:34:41.000 Look at that screen.

02:34:42.000 So the front of it is like an iPhone.

02:34:44.000 Is it 60 inches?

02:34:45.000 No.

02:34:45.000 That would be an awkward phone call.

02:34:47.000 You can't carry that around, bro.

02:34:49.000 You don't even understand inches, bro. 0.99

02:34:51.000 That's the size of like an iPhone 6 or some shit. 0.96

02:34:56.000 Actually, it looks a little bigger than that, doesn't it, Jamie? 0.95

02:34:58.000 How big is it?

02:34:59.000 How big is the screen?

02:35:00.000 I had it on the webpage. 0.98

02:35:02.000 When I had to decide which picture goes in the book and which doesn't because there's too many dick pics, I deleted this and put in the me pulling my dick out in front of Louis CK but I can't wait to tweet this. 0.98

02:35:14.000 Let me see that. 0.97

02:35:16.000 I have to apologize.

02:35:17.000 I was wrong.

02:35:19.000 You touched it wrong.

02:35:21.000 I didn't touch it yet?

02:35:21.000 Jesus Christ.

02:35:23.000 He's angry.

02:35:25.000 By the way, this exhaust system...

02:35:27.000 Bad touch, Rogan.

02:35:28.000 Gotta ramp this thing up.

02:35:29.000 Yeah.

02:35:30.000 Are we out?

02:35:31.000 Are we going towards a... 1.00

02:35:35.000 Yeah, I pulled my dick out in front of her, but what about the three or four people in between? 1.00

02:35:39.000 Everybody seems okay with it. 1.00

02:35:41.000 Yeah, that was back when it was kind of my thing.

02:35:43.000 Sarah Silverman's there, she's smiling.

02:35:45.000 I know, that's the point.

02:35:46.000 Did you ask?

02:35:46.000 Did you ask first?

02:35:47.000 No, no.

02:35:48.000 I was fluffing.

02:35:49.000 You can tell in the picture I was fluffing.

02:35:50.000 Are you prepared for shame?

02:35:52.000 I'm ready for it.

02:35:54.000 You might get it.

02:35:55.000 You might have to get this.

02:35:56.000 Is there a place where people can view this?

02:35:59.000 No, I was going to tweet it.

02:36:01.000 Let me talk to you about this.

02:36:02.000 Alright.

02:36:02.000 Let's wait.

02:36:03.000 Let's wait.

02:36:04.000 I've got some ideas.

02:36:05.000 I already said Sarah Silverman.

02:36:06.000 Well, Sarah Silverman is a friend and a wonderful comedian and a colleague.

02:36:09.000 And I think you and I both respect her as equals.

02:36:12.000 I do.

02:36:13.000 I didn't want her to get into any trouble because she wrote a is it okay to love Louis C.K. thing.

02:36:19.000 Call me first.

02:36:19.000 Well, is it okay to love me?

02:36:20.000 Because here's me with my dick out in front of you. 1.00

02:36:22.000 Here's the thing. 1.00

02:36:23.000 It might not be anymore.

02:36:24.000 This is why we need to burn that.

02:36:26.000 You need to burn your whole phone.

02:36:27.000 You need to get a modern phone that allows you to take photos and get online.

02:36:32.000 And then you need to burn that thing.

02:36:33.000 Because you can't have those pictures floating around.

02:36:39.000 It's important, man.

02:36:40.000 I'm sorry I was the guy that put it out.

02:36:43.000 So sad.

02:36:44.000 Those are developed pictures from a photo mat. 0.99

02:36:47.000 I think it's going to take a little time, but once we get through this, we're going to find some sort of a reasonable agreement where when you can and cannot pull your dick out. 0.99

02:36:56.000 Because what we need to do when people are young, boys and girls, install a small, like some sort of a sexual equivalent to a turkey tester, or something like a green light, you know, like, ding! 0.99

02:37:09.000 It goes off, like, okay, you can pull your dick out now, sir. 1.00

02:37:13.000 Like, I'm 23 years old, I've been going to college, I've had sex with 17 men. 1.00

02:37:16.000 But that's more the time you should pull your dick out. 0.99

02:37:18.000 It's when you're our age, that's inappropriate, unless they're our age too, which, you know what, there's no 50-year-old comics hitting on 50-year-old women. 1.00

02:37:29.000 Mmm, maybe.

02:37:29.000 Which is, uh...

02:37:30.000 Maybe, but, like, what if, like...

02:37:32.000 It's a woman like Christy Brinkley. 1.00

02:37:34.000 She's like 63. She's still hot as fuck. 1.00

02:37:36.000 Well, then you go, oh my god, I'm your age, so I know who you are. 1.00

02:37:40.000 Unlike young men, you're just happy to be there. 1.00

02:37:43.000 You don't pull your dick out. 1.00

02:37:44.000 I wish I did this years ago when it was erect. 1.00

02:37:47.000 How many people would be mad if a woman pulled her vagina out? 1.00

02:37:51.000 Almost zero. 1.00

02:37:52.000 Right?

02:37:53.000 Like, who would feel threatened?

02:37:54.000 That's the real problem.

02:37:55.000 The real problem is the physical violence potential and the number of people that have been raped.

02:38:00.000 That's the real problem.

02:38:01.000 Because if it's just about weird sex things, like...

02:38:04.000 Well, this is...

02:38:04.000 Which is the bit that I've been working on is the difference between...

02:38:09.000 Hot as fuck. 0.99

02:38:10.000 Take it or leave it. 1.00

02:38:12.000 Yo. 1.00

02:38:13.000 Come on, bitch. 1.00

02:38:16.000 Christy Brinkley does not live a human life in perfect lighting with perfect makeup. 1.00

02:38:22.000 You don't need that.

02:38:23.000 You just need glasses.

02:38:24.000 Dark ones. 0.99

02:38:25.000 No, at some point she's hunched over like I am with this posture, wearing reading glasses thicker than ours, trying to focus on something on a laptop, and that spill belly is hanging over her cunt because eight kids came out of it. 0.98

02:38:39.000 That's when you both put on mascot masks. 1.00

02:38:43.000 Like you're the squirrel and she's the raccoon and you guys just fuck by the firelight. 1.00

02:38:48.000 Just get right in front of that goddamn fireplace and go to town. 1.00

02:38:54.000 Molly and X is so overrated because it leads to all these problems. 1.00

02:38:58.000 It certainly can.

02:38:59.000 It certainly can lead to a weird, unofficial bond with people, right?

02:39:07.000 Imagine this.

02:39:10.000 If hugging people, if committing to hugging people was as intimate as committing to having sex with people, Well, hugging people is really quick, and no one says, oh, he hugged too soon.

02:39:25.000 I was hoping it was going to be a long hug, but his hug was done in seconds, like he was a teenager on his first hug.

02:39:34.000 The man does not have the right to pull out of the hug before the woman wants to end the hug.

02:39:40.000 Period.

02:39:41.000 We all know this.

02:39:42.000 Can you hug twice in a night?

02:39:44.000 No, no, don't do it.

02:39:46.000 Because the second hug will be unenthusiastic and not representative of your soul.

02:39:50.000 Who you are as a spiritual being.

02:39:52.000 You need to only hug once a week.

02:39:55.000 Once a week with someone you love.

02:39:57.000 Porn has changed the game. 1.00

02:39:59.000 Porn has ruined fucking... 1.00

02:40:02.000 And it's continuing to ruin fucking... 1.00

02:40:04.000 It's just setting you up for robot fuck dolls. 1.00

02:40:08.000 Have you seen that stripper robot that gyrates on the pole? 1.00

02:40:13.000 There's a robot that goes on the stripper pole, and it's clearly a robot. 1.00

02:40:17.000 You see all the mechanical parts, but it's moving his ass like some beautiful woman with a perfect ass. 1.00

02:40:23.000 Okay, okay. 1.00

02:40:23.000 We are so close to not being able to tell. 1.00

02:40:27.000 I don't know if we understand what exponential increases in technology are.

02:40:31.000 Look at this.

02:40:32.000 Look at this robot.

02:40:34.000 She's gyrating on this pole. 1.00

02:40:36.000 So she's holding this pole.

02:40:37.000 Okay, well right now you can see her joints and all that stuff, and I know she's not a human even though she's wearing high-heeled shoes. 0.89

02:40:43.000 How many more years do we have before that is fixed?

02:40:45.000 But how often did you need that? 1.00

02:40:48.000 You went to see strippers because you wanted the threat of getting pussy. 1.00

02:40:53.000 You didn't need her to spin around a brass pole. 1.00

02:40:56.000 If she was just there, vacant, robotic, and... 1.00

02:41:00.000 Ass, a splay, and a kimbo. 1.00

02:41:03.000 You just fuck her. 1.00

02:41:04.000 You wouldn't go, I need you to dance. 1.00

02:41:06.000 I need to want it more.

02:41:08.000 All that does is make you want it when you didn't want it to begin with. 0.99

02:41:13.000 Oh, I didn't think about fucking until she did all that thing on the brass pole. 1.00

02:41:17.000 Now I have a boner. 1.00

02:41:18.000 Now I'm using that as my leader.

02:41:23.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

02:41:24.000 Not particularly. 1.00

02:41:26.000 If you weren't thinking about fucking, and then there's a girl dancing around a brass pole, shaking her ass, like, oh, now I have a boner, now I'm thinking about fucking, where I would have just talked to you. 1.00

02:41:37.000 Well, if a girl's just sitting outside reading a book not thinking about fucking, and Jason Momoa shows up, and he's in an open shirt, like some sort of... 1.00

02:41:44.000 Who is this guy that you fantasize about? 0.98

02:41:46.000 The guy from the Game of Thrones!

02:41:47.000 Conan!

02:41:47.000 Put him on, put him on.

02:41:48.000 And he's chopping wood.

02:41:50.000 Travis?

02:41:51.000 Is that his name, Travis?

02:41:52.000 Jamie.

02:41:53.000 He's chopping wood with a giant axe and the girls get all juicy just looking at him because he's perfect.

02:41:59.000 That's him. 1.00

02:42:01.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:42:02.000 Come on. 1.00

02:42:02.000 I was going to say, with a nipple ring, but that was the cursor. 1.00

02:42:06.000 Come on.

02:42:07.000 He's a handsome man.

02:42:08.000 He's very friendly, too.

02:42:09.000 I met him at Whole Foods.

02:42:10.000 You say he's not because you're not a woman.

02:42:12.000 By the way, he's about 6'4".

02:42:14.000 There's a baseball player.

02:42:15.000 What's his name?

02:42:15.000 From the Nationals.

02:42:16.000 The most beautiful man in sports.

02:42:18.000 I always call him Jason...

02:42:21.000 Justin?

02:42:21.000 The guy with the big beard from the Nationals.

02:42:24.000 He's a fucking gorgeous Viking, but that guy's a muscle-bound... 0.99

02:42:27.000 You're into weird dudes. 0.99

02:42:29.000 I'm going to have to say this, Joe.

02:42:30.000 I'm into dudes that girls like.

02:42:33.000 Worth. 0.99

02:42:34.000 Worth with an E. W-E-R-T-H. That guy is fucking gorgeous. 0.97

02:42:39.000 Okay, it's not a competition in Douglas. 0.98

02:42:40.000 Yes, it is. 0.99

02:42:41.000 It is fucking now. 0.99

02:42:41.000 Why do you have an issue with Jason Momoa? 0.99

02:42:43.000 He's a beautiful man.

02:42:44.000 Because we're going to end this podcast with a Twitter...

02:42:46.000 Who do you like, ladies? 1.00

02:42:48.000 Because, you know, we both have 80% male fan bases.

02:42:52.000 More than that.

02:42:53.000 I went on Instagram.

02:42:55.000 Jason Worth.

02:42:56.000 Okay, I'm with you.

02:42:56.000 He's beautiful.

02:42:57.000 That's the one.

02:42:58.000 The one you were just touching.

02:42:59.000 That's the one.

02:42:59.000 Look at his traps.

02:43:01.000 Fucking that guy. 1.00

02:43:02.000 I bet he looks great naked. 1.00

02:43:03.000 Do you have naked photos of Jason Worth? 1.00

02:43:05.000 I bet he's a dick like a baseball bat. 1.00

02:43:07.000 A giant one. 1.00

02:43:08.000 Not even one of those ones you give out for free.

02:43:10.000 All you ladies listening, Jason Worth or?

02:43:13.000 Jason Momoa.

02:43:15.000 Battle of the Jasons.

02:43:16.000 Battle of the Jasons.

02:43:17.000 Listen, it's just a matter of like, what do you want to do?

02:43:19.000 Do you want to live in a mansion?

02:43:21.000 Or do you want to live on the beach and raise your kids in the sand?

02:43:24.000 Okay, you got to pick your poison.

02:43:25.000 I have no idea. 1.00

02:43:27.000 Jason Momoa is like, he came over on a fucking raft. 0.98

02:43:29.000 Like, he's like some kind of Polynesian god. 0.99

02:43:32.000 He's from Hawaii.

02:43:34.000 It's like six foot four.

02:43:35.000 Hawaii's kind of the most expensive state to live in. 0.54

02:43:38.000 Only for white people. 0.80

02:43:39.000 It's a refugee? 0.99

02:43:40.000 For white people. 0.90

02:43:41.000 You're not even paying attention. 0.94

02:43:42.000 Do you know how many islands there are in Hawaii, bro?

02:43:45.000 Five? 0.91

02:43:45.000 So racist. 0.91

02:43:46.000 Five?

02:43:49.000 Sorry, is this a bonus question?

02:43:54.000 Do you smell like smoke enough that you're going to get in trouble when you get home?

02:43:58.000 No.

02:43:59.000 How old are your kids now?

02:44:00.000 Seven and nine for the young ones.

02:44:01.000 I've got a... 0.91

02:44:02.000 Daddy smells like cigarette smoke.

02:44:05.000 I've got shirts here that I could change.

02:44:07.000 But it's good that you did this. 0.98

02:44:09.000 You changed smoke through this because we realized this system sucks. 0.87

02:44:12.000 Yeah, I noticed that early on. 0.94

02:44:14.000 Whoever is making this system, I've been breathing it.

02:44:16.000 I've definitely got a secondhand nicotine high.

02:44:18.000 It should be called the Steinhoop Test. 0.99

02:44:20.000 It doesn't work.

02:44:21.000 No, it didn't.

02:44:23.000 Jason did tell me before you showed up late.

02:44:26.000 You've got to think like a bar.

02:44:28.000 Think like a bar.

02:44:28.000 Don't think like your grandma smoking occasionally in the bathroom.

02:44:32.000 We're going to get a little bathroom fan.

02:44:33.000 I said, did Rogan put this system in specifically for me?

02:44:36.000 And he goes, I think so.

02:44:39.000 Definitely for you and Dice Clay.

02:44:40.000 You too.

02:44:41.000 And Attell.

02:44:41.000 Yeah, and Attell.

02:44:42.000 Yeah, he's another one who can't live without the cigarettes.

02:44:44.000 We were outside, he just keeps going.

02:44:46.000 I just did five days off of him coming into this.

02:44:48.000 Did you really?

02:44:49.000 Quit everything for five days, except medicinal drinking.

02:44:52.000 Do a couple shots of whiskey, because at this point, can't quit cold turkey.

02:44:57.000 Very dangerous, deadly.

02:44:59.000 I understand.

02:45:00.000 Now, what was harder?

02:45:04.000 What does it feel like to take five days off of cigarettes?

02:45:07.000 When I do it my way perfect fantastic because I No one can come around me if I don't have to do a phoner or write a thing write a book do when you write do you like to smoke?

02:45:20.000 That's the hardest thing of everything I do doing stand-up writing is that's where it's integral to the process chain smoking and Tap, tap, tap, smoke, tap, tap, tap, smoke,

02:45:36.000 whiskey, drink, tap, tap, tap.

02:45:38.000 Yeah.

02:45:39.000 Everything else I get over.

02:45:40.000 Writing was the only...

02:45:43.000 You know when I find, like, sometimes some of my best bits have been me drunk on an airplane.

02:45:48.000 I have the exact opposite where I talk about I get off an airplane drunk and I have stacks of cocktail napkins. 0.97

02:45:57.000 I say, if it says Delta on the napkin, this joke sucks. 0.77

02:46:02.000 And they're not even jokes. 0.98

02:46:03.000 They're pontificating.

02:46:05.000 What about this and that?

02:46:08.000 Maybe twice in 20 years, I've gotten good bits off a drunk airplane.

02:46:13.000 Twice in 20 years is a good number, though. 0.99

02:46:15.000 If you could find one thing where you could do like 300 times, you could get 20 great bits.

02:46:21.000 Even two.

02:46:23.000 Think about how many days you spend trying to write to get two great bits.

02:46:27.000 It's the amount of bad bits, though.

02:46:30.000 I'm embarrassed to have the napkin in my pocket. 0.98

02:46:34.000 Like, what the fuck does this even mean? 0.57

02:46:36.000 Do you have those saved? 0.90

02:46:37.000 Owen Smith has a great show he's doing where he has you pull out your old notebooks. 1.00

02:46:43.000 Fucking cocksucker! 1.00

02:46:44.000 Brian Hannigan told me, no, no, we're gonna make a show out of this! 1.00

02:46:49.000 Brian Hannigan, you lazy bitch. 1.00

02:46:51.000 You didn't even research whether or not Owen Smith has been doing it for a while. 1.00

02:46:54.000 My first notebook where you have to go and read the shit you wrote in 1990 that you thought was brilliant. 0.99

02:47:00.000 Yes. 1.00

02:47:01.000 Oh no!

02:47:02.000 We're trying to sell this as a show!

02:47:04.000 Don't tweet about it!

02:47:05.000 Why does it have to be isolated to one individual?

02:47:08.000 How come you can't do it as well? 0.98

02:47:10.000 See how he just shut the fuck up because he knows he's wrong? 0.96

02:47:13.000 No, actually, Joe just made my point. 0.98

02:47:16.000 You weren't listening to him.

02:47:18.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with you going over your notebook, but going into other people's notebooks.

02:47:25.000 Then you're sort of... 0.92

02:47:26.000 Like, if you decide, like, hey, I'm Doug Stanhope, and I want to bring out my notebook and tell you how fucking terrible my 1993 jokes were.

02:47:31.000 Oh, Owen Benjamin goes into other people's notebooks? 0.58

02:47:33.000 No, Owen Smith.

02:47:34.000 Not Owen Benjamin.

02:47:35.000 Owen Benjamin's upstate New York.

02:47:36.000 Owen Smith, L.A., hilarious comedian.

02:47:39.000 He goes into yours. 1.00

02:47:40.000 I had to bring out my shit. 1.00

02:47:42.000 I brought out some shit from 1990. I had some, like, 1991 notebooks. 0.99

02:47:47.000 They were terrible.

02:47:48.000 I had, like, orchestrated crowd work. 1.00

02:47:50.000 Then you ask the crowd this, and they're like, yeah, we like fucking girls. 1.00

02:47:53.000 Oh! 1.00

02:47:54.000 Oh, it was brutal.

02:47:56.000 It was so scorching.

02:47:57.000 Oh, I want to be on that show since I created it, but my creator didn't let me create.

02:48:04.000 Feeding the flowers.

02:48:05.000 Owen Smith, good on you for doing it first.

02:48:08.000 How long ago did you guys come up with the idea?

02:48:11.000 When everyone else was coming up with other things.

02:48:14.000 I did it about a year ago.

02:48:15.000 A set list in the last three years.

02:48:17.000 Yeah, I did his thing within a year, and he already had it.

02:48:22.000 Like, he'd already been filming it.

02:48:23.000 I am not...

02:48:25.000 Hey, comedy police that are civilians listening, don't...

02:48:29.000 I'm not saying he stole my idea.

02:48:31.000 No one thinks that.

02:48:32.000 Don't defend yourself.

02:48:33.000 No, it's the listeners that think they are the comedy police. 0.99

02:48:38.000 Don't talk to dummies. 0.99

02:48:39.000 Just let them be dummies. 1.00

02:48:42.000 Hate it. 0.99

02:48:43.000 Hey, so-and-so was doing your...

02:48:45.000 I saw so-and-so did your bit. 0.98

02:48:48.000 He was talking about porn, and you talk about porn. 1.00

02:48:51.000 Um, you fucking shut up. 1.00

02:48:53.000 Let us police ourselves, please. 1.00

02:48:55.000 I was gonna register the bit, but I had to patch the tires for a road trip.

02:49:00.000 You're going so Irish, which is better because he hates the Irish.

02:49:04.000 I was about to. 0.97

02:49:05.000 I was about to fire.

02:49:06.000 Are we closing this podcast because I'm saving a piss?

02:49:09.000 Either I'm going to piss.

02:49:10.000 Let's let it go.

02:49:12.000 Slide that book over here.

02:49:13.000 Oh, hang on.

02:49:15.000 Someone's going to do official work.

02:49:16.000 First of all, what's important is diversity.

02:49:20.000 We'd like to have more diversity in this room.

02:49:22.000 Diversity.

02:49:23.000 Diversity is what we're looking for.

02:49:25.000 We need more women on the podcast. 1.00

02:49:27.000 Say the tour.

02:49:27.000 Go ahead.

02:49:28.000 Say the tour.

02:49:29.000 Doug Stanhope, Australia, April 2018. He's going down under, but does he know that the world is flat?

02:49:35.000 And it'll never get there.

02:49:37.000 It's impossible.

02:49:38.000 So is that me heckling myself?

02:49:41.000 Yes, you're heckling yourself.

02:49:42.000 Okay, Doug Stanhope, Australian April, he's going to be in Adelaide, Brisbane, Canberra, Melbourne, Perth, Sydney, and also will be...

02:49:52.000 Oh, don't tickle me.

02:49:54.000 If you come to the end of the rainbow, there'll be a bucket of gold for you, lad.

02:50:00.000 You're so Irish-ing him, and it makes him even snappier. 1.00

02:50:04.000 Also, we're doing the Far East before that.

02:50:07.000 We're also doing Hong Kong, Singapore, Ho Chi Minh, Sissy.

02:50:10.000 Please don't be racist.

02:50:11.000 I can't have this on my podcast.

02:50:14.000 Ho Chi Minh. 0.65

02:50:15.000 God.

02:50:16.000 He's still a guy.

02:50:18.000 I think he's still over there.

02:50:20.000 Yeah.

02:50:20.000 I think he does karaoke or something.

02:50:23.000 I don't know.

02:50:25.000 So, DougStanhope.com?

02:50:26.000 Yeah.

02:50:26.000 Just go there, buy the book.

02:50:28.000 Here's the book, ladies and gentlemen.

02:50:29.000 I really need the money.

02:50:30.000 This is not fame.

02:50:32.000 One of my all-time favorite humans, Douglas Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen.

02:50:36.000 Brian Hennigan, you know we love you.

02:50:37.000 Thank you. 1.00

02:50:38.000 We fuck with you because you tolerate it. 1.00

02:50:39.000 You gotta fight back. 1.00

02:50:40.000 Oh, yeah.

02:50:41.000 Okay?

02:50:41.000 You can't keep taking this from us.

02:50:42.000 This is not right.

02:50:43.000 It makes me feel bad.

02:50:45.000 We go after you and we team up on you.

02:50:47.000 And I'm like, please fire back, Mr. Hennigan.

02:50:50.000 Somewhere a storm is brewing.

02:50:51.000 Your new nickname is Hennessy, though.

02:50:54.000 Accept it.

02:50:55.000 You need to get you a sifter.

02:50:57.000 Everywhere you go.

02:50:58.000 It's better than shenanigan or Heineken, which everyone thinks is hilarious.

02:51:04.000 Brian shenanigans!

02:51:05.000 I like that even better.

02:51:06.000 That's like the verbal equivalent of the Hawaiian shirt.

02:51:09.000 You just gave us two we have to choose from.

02:51:11.000 Brian shenanigans or Brian Heineken.

02:51:15.000 No, he said his two he hates worse, so now we have to choose from the two he hates.

02:51:18.000 I like Hennessy because it makes him uncomfortable because it's associated with African Americans. 1.00

02:51:22.000 What?

02:51:22.000 So I like that better.

02:51:23.000 I didn't know that.

02:51:24.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

02:51:25.000 I'm from another land.

02:51:27.000 We don't have.

02:51:28.000 Oh, I plead ignorance.

02:51:30.000 I didn't know nothing about your cuvasse, eh?

02:51:35.000 What?

02:51:35.000 Mad Dog 2020. Purple drank.

02:51:37.000 I thought that was a good dog with bad vision.

02:51:40.000 Drank his past tense.

02:51:41.000 What's this purple drank?

02:51:42.000 Wait, wait.

02:51:42.000 I happen to like Mickey's, as you know.

02:51:45.000 Do you drink orange soda and eat fried chicken around black people or no? 0.99

02:51:48.000 I beg your pardon? 0.99

02:51:49.000 Exactly. 0.97

02:51:50.000 He's never around black people. 0.98

02:51:52.000 We cloister him. 0.97

02:51:53.000 Is that a word?

02:51:54.000 Doug Stanhope.com.

02:51:57.000 Douglas is running away.

02:51:58.000 Is it available right now?

02:52:00.000 I told you via text I was going to wear my brown print.

02:52:05.000 Yeah.

02:52:06.000 And I came in my pajamas.

02:52:08.000 An orange shirt.

02:52:08.000 I'm sorry.

02:52:09.000 It looks very comfortable.

02:52:10.000 I didn't dress up.

02:52:10.000 I like comfort.

02:52:11.000 This is not fame by Douglas Stanhope.

02:52:16.000 Forward by Drew Prinsky, MD. Dr. Drew wrote the forward.

02:52:21.000 Yeah.

02:52:23.000 Alright.

02:52:24.000 Alright, alright.

02:52:24.000 And it's a great forward.

02:52:26.000 Was Dr. Phil busy?

02:52:29.000 Ha! 0.89

02:52:30.000 Mr. Hennessy!

02:52:33.000 Always good to see you, my brother.

02:52:34.000 Thank you very much.

02:52:35.000 Thank you for having me.

02:52:35.000 Always great to be here.

02:52:37.000 You know we love you, right?

02:52:38.000 No.

02:52:39.000 Okay.

02:52:39.000 And this is a very impressive facility.

02:52:41.000 Thank you, sir.

02:52:41.000 Alright, folks.

02:52:42.000 We'll be back tomorrow with the great and powerful Chris Stapleton.

02:52:47.000 One of my favorite musicians.

02:52:48.000 Tomorrow.

02:52:53.000 Wow.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 05, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #1048 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript