The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:01.000 Ari Shafir, we're here.

00:00:03.000 It's Sober October.

00:00:05.000 Are we allowed to smoke cigars?

00:00:07.000 Yeah, we're allowed to smoke cigars.

00:00:08.000 Let's smoke a cigar. 0.99

00:00:09.000 Let's fucking bend the rules a little. 0.99

00:00:10.000 I have three in my trunk. 0.99

00:00:12.000 I have two right here.

00:00:14.000 These are good.

00:00:16.000 I was smoking cigars with Burr on the show.

00:00:18.000 People are going to be mad at us.

00:00:19.000 This is tobacco.

00:00:20.000 You're using tobacco products.

00:00:21.000 You're totally cheating. 1.00

00:00:23.000 Well, I can suck my cheese. 1.00

00:00:26.000 They can or it can? 1.00

00:00:28.000 They can suck my cheese with their fucking stupid rules. 1.00

00:00:31.000 It's already hard enough. 1.00

00:00:32.000 Okay.

00:00:33.000 Cheese. 0.99

00:00:33.000 Do you remember one time you weren't masturbating for a month? 0.99

00:00:37.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:00:37.000 Do you remember that? 0.89

00:00:37.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:00:38.000 And all those people were like, yeah, but you're having sex. 0.98

00:00:40.000 Don't do sex. 0.93

00:00:41.000 And you're like, dude, I'm not playing your game. 0.56

00:00:43.000 I'm doing a thing for myself.

00:00:45.000 Doing my game.

00:00:46.000 Yeah.

00:00:47.000 Everybody wants rules.

00:00:48.000 I start working out.

00:00:49.000 Oh, what are you doing?

00:00:50.000 I'll just bench.

00:00:51.000 Yo, dude, you gotta do legs.

00:00:52.000 You're not doing anything.

00:00:53.000 You're like, can you give me two times?

00:00:55.000 Yeah, well...

00:00:56.000 Are you doing ISO? Isn't that the problem, Joe, with just interacting with people online?

00:01:03.000 There's always going to be someone that's upset at you for something.

00:01:05.000 Yeah, mad at you.

00:01:06.000 Yeah.

00:01:06.000 For trying.

00:01:07.000 For anything.

00:01:08.000 You'd rather I don't try.

00:01:09.000 Anything.

00:01:10.000 No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed.

00:01:12.000 Yeah.

00:01:14.000 What are you going to do?

00:01:15.000 It's such a crazy place, the internet.

00:01:17.000 Oh, it's so crazy.

00:01:18.000 And that's where we make our home.

00:01:19.000 That's what's really crazy.

00:01:20.000 It really is nuts.

00:01:21.000 Are you on that light phone now?

00:01:23.000 No, it hasn't come yet.

00:01:24.000 It's coming at the end of October.

00:01:26.000 I'm trying a regular phone this month.

00:01:28.000 A regular phone?

00:01:29.000 Yeah.

00:01:30.000 So I got a new number.

00:01:31.000 Spark that.

00:01:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:01:32.000 Like a cell phone?

00:01:33.000 Yeah.

00:01:34.000 Like a real cell phone?

00:01:35.000 Like a smartphone?

00:01:36.000 No, I got a new number due to a regular flip phone.

00:01:38.000 Okay.

00:01:39.000 But the old number, I'm keeping it on on a smartphone.

00:01:42.000 I'm seeing if I can handle it for a month.

00:01:44.000 You can handle it.

00:01:45.000 I don't know.

00:01:46.000 Signs are not great already. 0.98

00:01:48.000 It's the fucking being alone and just kind of flipping through, watching Walking Dead and then flipping double screens. 0.98

00:01:54.000 My daughter has a phone now, but she has a little thing. 0.99

00:01:57.000 My middle daughter, not like the older one. 0.80

00:02:00.000 That would be ridiculous.

00:02:02.000 But...

00:02:03.000 Where she has a screen limitation.

00:02:05.000 She can only use a screen. 0.97

00:02:07.000 Could you turn it off?

00:02:08.000 Can she?

00:02:09.000 Yeah.

00:02:10.000 It's not just when an alarm?

00:02:11.000 No.

00:02:11.000 She doesn't get to.

00:02:12.000 We do it.

00:02:13.000 So she got an hour.

00:02:14.000 And then what happens after the hour?

00:02:16.000 Stops working.

00:02:16.000 What stops working?

00:02:18.000 Everything except phone calls.

00:02:19.000 You can get phone calls in.

00:02:20.000 An hour of total use.

00:02:23.000 See, I need that, but I can't find anything like that.

00:02:25.000 So how does she not be able to turn it off?

00:02:27.000 Because you have the passwords for it.

00:02:28.000 Yeah.

00:02:29.000 Oh, so I just got to get some...

00:02:30.000 Well, just don't give yourself the chance to do the passwords.

00:02:33.000 What do you mean?

00:02:33.000 Just put it on an hour, and when the hour's on, over, just accept it in your head.

00:02:38.000 That's not going to happen.

00:02:39.000 Wow.

00:02:40.000 That's crazy talk.

00:02:41.000 Jamie, explain to him that's crazy talk.

00:02:43.000 It doesn't work.

00:02:43.000 I know.

00:02:44.000 An hour?

00:02:44.000 Well, for a kid, maybe.

00:02:45.000 No matter what the time limit is, as soon as you see your time's up, you just go, oh, well, let me finish sending this one thing.

00:02:50.000 I'm hoping that Bert and Tom both say that we cheated already because we're smoking cigars and we're good.

00:02:56.000 Dude, the first year...

00:02:57.000 I'll take everybody to dinner somewhere.

00:02:58.000 Somebody said kombucha.

00:02:59.000 They were like, kombucha already cheated.

00:03:01.000 I was like, guys, you tell me right now if this is cheating because I'm done.

00:03:03.000 It's cool.

00:03:04.000 I'm out. 1.00

00:03:04.000 One of the great things about our contest is there's no real ramifications other than talking shit. 1.00

00:03:10.000 You know, like Bert came in last, but what happened to him? 0.99

00:03:13.000 What happened to him?

00:03:14.000 Nothing.

00:03:15.000 Fuck him. 1.00

00:03:17.000 All he did was talk shit and then dealt with no repercussions. 1.00

00:03:20.000 We all knew that we couldn't lose to Bert. 1.00

00:03:22.000 That was a massive motivating factor for everyone, including Tom. 0.98

00:03:26.000 Remember when Tom came back and he ran 13 fucking miles? 0.99

00:03:28.000 He was done. 0.99

00:03:29.000 On injury, he was done.

00:03:30.000 Well, he was sick.

00:03:30.000 He got really sick.

00:03:31.000 He got the flu.

00:03:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:03:32.000 And he came back, and the day back, he ran 13 fucking miles. 0.99

00:03:36.000 To try to catch up. 0.99

00:03:37.000 And he did catch up.

00:03:38.000 He did.

00:03:38.000 Catch up and pass him.

00:03:39.000 Bert was like, what are you doing?

00:03:40.000 I thought I was winning.

00:03:41.000 I thought I was going to win.

00:03:43.000 Let's hip-hop dance.

00:03:45.000 Ha, ha, ha.

00:03:49.000 What are you doing?

00:03:51.000 What are you doing?

00:03:52.000 I thought I was going to win!

00:03:54.000 Is there a belt this year?

00:03:56.000 No, the belt stays...

00:03:57.000 A second belt?

00:03:58.000 I feel like there's no belt because it's not a competition this year.

00:04:02.000 This is the problem.

00:04:04.000 We're going to explain this, folks, on the Sober October podcast, which is right after this.

00:04:08.000 But the problem is, none of us have the time for the competition.

00:04:13.000 I can't go crazy.

00:04:15.000 Why?

00:04:15.000 What's different from this year to last year?

00:04:17.000 I'm too busy.

00:04:19.000 Question?

00:04:20.000 Yes.

00:04:20.000 Is your schedule not exactly the same as it was last year?

00:04:23.000 It's more podcasts, for sure.

00:04:24.000 Oh, you're doing more podcasts.

00:04:25.000 Yeah, more podcasts and other various activities outside of the podcast.

00:04:31.000 And then the heat that I took from my family.

00:04:34.000 Like, my kids didn't see me for a month.

00:04:35.000 Yeah, that's why I thought I had some sort of chance.

00:04:38.000 Because you guys had to be home.

00:04:40.000 But I forgot that you guys also have gyms in your home.

00:04:42.000 Yeah, I have a full gym.

00:04:44.000 I had that 24-hour gym I would go to.

00:04:46.000 That's pretty dope.

00:04:47.000 Yeah, on the way home from the cell, that's where I got some nice points.

00:04:50.000 Yeah, that's a good move.

00:04:51.000 Well, when you first figured out that you could just watch a movie and that that distracts you enough to do cardio and you can get some pretty good numbers, I was like, oh, that's pretty smart. 0.97

00:05:02.000 Because that does distract the shit out of you. 0.86

00:05:04.000 It makes it way easier. 0.96

00:05:05.000 Yeah, my workout would just be the movie that I watched.

00:05:08.000 Dude, I'm already high from the cigar.

00:05:10.000 Yeah, right?

00:05:11.000 I feel like we're out.

00:05:14.000 I'm just hoping Tom and Bert come in in a small look.

00:05:17.000 Do you guys smoke cigars?

00:05:19.000 Are you guys smoking cigars?

00:05:20.000 I didn't know we were doing the cigars as well.

00:05:22.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

00:05:24.000 You guys are out.

00:05:25.000 Oh, Tom and I are going to win!

00:05:26.000 We're going to do cigars.

00:05:27.000 Let's just win one.

00:05:29.000 We'll stand on the platform together.

00:05:33.000 First place!

00:05:33.000 We don't have to compete!

00:05:35.000 Yay! 0.99

00:05:35.000 Let's have a dance-off for first place. 0.99

00:05:37.000 Come on! 0.61

00:05:40.000 Dance-off.

00:05:41.000 When he was talking dance-off, I was like, he's just going to take his pants off.

00:05:44.000 I know what he's going to do.

00:05:45.000 And then he did that video.

00:05:46.000 And that's exactly what he did. 1.00

00:05:47.000 He took his fucking pants off. 1.00

00:05:48.000 That was what Big Jay did. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Fucking first two years in a comedy. 0.99

00:05:51.000 When he said he was terrible, he would do the pants-off thing. 1.00

00:05:54.000 Good move.

00:05:54.000 And now it's what Bert's doing now.

00:05:55.000 28 years in a comedy.

00:05:57.000 Yeah, you should stop that.

00:05:59.000 But people get mad if he doesn't take his shirt off.

00:06:01.000 I know.

00:06:02.000 He's in a trap.

00:06:04.000 I would be mad too.

00:06:05.000 If I went to see Bert Kreischer his final time doing stand-up in my city...

00:06:08.000 What's the matter?

00:06:11.000 It's loud. 0.99

00:06:11.000 It sounds like there's a fucking tornado in here. 0.99

00:06:14.000 Does it? 0.99

00:06:14.000 I can hear it through the headphones. 0.99

00:06:16.000 Is it because they're smoking cigars?

00:06:17.000 Yeah, I know. 0.99

00:06:18.000 Damn, I got a head rush off this cigar. 0.99

00:06:19.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:06:20.000 We're high, dude.

00:06:21.000 We're cheating. 0.99

00:06:22.000 We're fucking for sure cheating. 0.99

00:06:23.000 I don't know what I'm going to do, dude. 1.00

00:06:25.000 This whole fucking... 0.99

00:06:26.000 The Yankees are going all the way. 1.00

00:06:27.000 I'm going to have to fucking go to Yankee games. 0.99

00:06:29.000 We're out on the first podcast. 0.99

00:06:30.000 We're getting hot.

00:06:32.000 We want to take a drug test right now.

00:06:34.000 Elevated levels of nicotine.

00:06:35.000 That's the stimulant.

00:06:35.000 We should be doing so bombed October.

00:06:37.000 We really should be going for it the other way.

00:06:39.000 We can switch it up.

00:06:39.000 We can talk those guys into it.

00:06:40.000 Let's just switch it up, you guys.

00:06:42.000 Some whiskey meals.

00:06:43.000 Really go hard.

00:06:45.000 Mushrooms every other day.

00:06:46.000 Yeah.

00:06:47.000 Can you imagine what kind of a person you'd be at the end of the month if you did mushrooms every other day?

00:06:51.000 Can I tell you a story?

00:06:52.000 Sure.

00:06:53.000 So I went to a music festival and there was this guy who a lot of my camp had never done any mushrooms.

00:07:00.000 And this guy did mushrooms for four straight days.

00:07:03.000 Four straight days.

00:07:04.000 The second day he was like, can we do mushrooms again?

00:07:06.000 I'm like, they're not going to work.

00:07:07.000 You really have to do twice as much.

00:07:08.000 He just kept going.

00:07:09.000 Third day, kept going.

00:07:10.000 Just munching mushrooms.

00:07:11.000 Four days.

00:07:11.000 Didn't touch his phone at all.

00:07:13.000 Didn't touch it.

00:07:14.000 He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off.

00:07:17.000 And then he turned it on and he texted and he had to tell work he wasn't going to come in the Monday, you know?

00:07:22.000 He'll work from home. 1.00

00:07:23.000 They gave him some shit. 1.00

00:07:24.000 He just looked at his phone. 1.00

00:07:26.000 After being on Shrooms for four days, he looked at his phone.

00:07:29.000 He could just see it rush into his head. 0.99

00:07:30.000 Like, this thing brings me such fucking misery. 0.99

00:07:33.000 And I had such a good time without it. 0.99

00:07:35.000 And you could just see all that set on his head.

00:07:36.000 He just goes... 1.00

00:07:38.000 And he fucking launches it. 1.00

00:07:40.000 He just chucked his fucking iPhone as far as he could. 1.00

00:07:43.000 Wow. 1.00

00:07:44.000 Yeah.

00:07:45.000 It was such a great moment.

00:07:47.000 You can't do mushrooms too many days in a row. 1.00

00:07:49.000 You get fucked up. 0.99

00:07:51.000 Yeah, did he sober up after that and then call his job and apologize and get a new phone? 1.00

00:07:56.000 His other friend went and got it and held it and pointed it out.

00:07:58.000 I'm like, no, I'm holding this for you.

00:08:01.000 It wasn't broken?

00:08:02.000 No, it didn't break!

00:08:04.000 That's amazing.

00:08:04.000 Where were you guys at?

00:08:05.000 Was it dirt?

00:08:06.000 You threw it on?

00:08:07.000 It was on a dirt slash rock path.

00:08:10.000 So I could easily hit a rock.

00:08:11.000 Yeah, easily.

00:08:13.000 Do you have a case on it?

00:08:15.000 I don't know.

00:08:16.000 I don't know.

00:08:17.000 I think one of the point is that he threw it.

00:08:19.000 The new ones are supposed to be way more resistant to drop it.

00:08:22.000 I love how as soon as they came out, they're like, oh, and if you drop it from more than a foot away, it's going to break.

00:08:26.000 This grand new design, the iPhone 2010. It is a weird thing, right, where guarantee you're going to drop it.

00:08:34.000 Guarantee if you drop it, it's going to break.

00:08:35.000 Like, I had Neil deGrasse Tyson on recently, and he's always got no case on his phone.

00:08:40.000 That's the thing.

00:08:40.000 He marvels about the design.

00:08:43.000 It's amazing design.

00:08:44.000 And what you do is you get Jamie Rock's no case because of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

00:08:47.000 He's a big old cop.

00:08:48.000 You got to listen to him.

00:08:49.000 Yeah.

00:08:50.000 Why?

00:08:50.000 What did he say?

00:08:51.000 But anyway, he came back and his fucking phone was broken. 0.99

00:08:54.000 Really? 0.99

00:08:55.000 He had dropped it, because he pulled his pants off, or his jacket off, or something like that, and it was in the pocket of his jacket, and it fell to the floor when he pulled his jacket off the couch.

00:09:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:04.000 He didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down off the torque.

00:09:09.000 Yes.

00:09:09.000 Off all that.

00:09:10.000 It didn't account.

00:09:11.000 So he has this Starry Night Van Gogh painting thing on the back of his phone, and little bits of glass were coming off it, and he realized that it was cracked.

00:09:21.000 Like, huh, huh.

00:09:22.000 I've got a case on mine. 0.99

00:09:23.000 You're not smart.

00:09:25.000 So smart that you don't have a case. 0.99

00:09:27.000 But it is weird that we have this super expensive thing that everybody carries around with them that if you do drop it, it will get fucked up. 0.97

00:09:33.000 Yeah. 0.93

00:09:35.000 What?

00:09:35.000 Did you see that new Fold phone that costs like $2,000?

00:09:38.000 I heard about those years ago.

00:09:39.000 You can't even use a pen or you can't use your fingernail or anything.

00:09:41.000 It'll scratch.

00:09:42.000 Oh, what?

00:09:43.000 That's crazy.

00:09:43.000 Is that the Galaxy Fold?

00:09:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:45.000 If you use a pen...

00:09:47.000 Like, you can't use like that S Pen.

00:09:48.000 You can't barely...

00:09:49.000 Not even a fingernail. 1.00

00:09:50.000 That's dumb. 0.99

00:09:50.000 How do you use it? 0.99

00:09:51.000 Well, it's so flexible, you know, because it has to...

00:09:54.000 The screen has to flex.

00:09:55.000 So when you just fingertip, like...

00:09:56.000 It's not durable enough.

00:09:58.000 It's not ready yet.

00:09:58.000 This is the second design.

00:09:59.000 Right.

00:10:00.000 This is the second iteration of it, and the first iteration immediately started breaking as soon as all those influencers, those YouTube guys, like Unbox Therapy and MKBHD. MKBHD. What is that?

00:10:14.000 Take the B out. 0.93

00:10:15.000 MKBHD. Is that right?

00:10:16.000 Yeah.

00:10:17.000 It's just a lot of letters.

00:10:18.000 Marcus Brownlee.

00:10:19.000 Anyway, he's awesome.

00:10:21.000 These guys, these YouTube guys that make these videos explaining all the details, technical details of these phones, they got them early and they all broke.

00:10:30.000 Really?

00:10:31.000 Everyone's broke.

00:10:32.000 So they had to send it back and they did a revision of it.

00:10:35.000 It was supposed to come out in April and now it just came out here in October.

00:10:38.000 And a couple people have them broken already.

00:10:41.000 It's two grand.

00:10:42.000 You know, it's so expensive for a phone.

00:10:44.000 The new iPhone is maybe $1,200, I think?

00:10:46.000 I'm not buying it either.

00:10:47.000 I don't like the fold.

00:10:49.000 I don't like the whole idea behind it.

00:10:50.000 It looks nice.

00:10:51.000 But you have a tablet on you is the point, right?

00:10:53.000 At any moment, you have a full tablet you can really type.

00:10:55.000 Yeah, but it's not that much bigger than like a Galaxy Note.

00:10:58.000 But those things are so big for your pocket.

00:11:00.000 YouTube videos and stuff.

00:11:01.000 Netflix videos on the go.

00:11:03.000 That light phone I'm excited about.

00:11:05.000 The light too?

00:11:06.000 It's fun.

00:11:07.000 You download Uber on it and stuff like that.

00:11:09.000 There's a couple apps, right?

00:11:10.000 Yeah, there's a ride-sharing app.

00:11:12.000 I don't know which one.

00:11:13.000 I guess probably Uber, right?

00:11:15.000 There's some Maps app.

00:11:16.000 Uber or Lyft, but like this.

00:11:18.000 That's pretty good.

00:11:19.000 Look how this works.

00:11:20.000 Oh. 0.99

00:11:20.000 See this shit on the outside? 0.99

00:11:21.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

00:11:22.000 So it's all protected.

00:11:23.000 This is the Galaxy case.

00:11:25.000 It's a special case.

00:11:26.000 It has like a little thing on it.

00:11:27.000 This is my Note.

00:11:29.000 So I have a Note now and I have an iPhone. 0.86

00:11:31.000 But the Note, the S Pen is pretty fucking sweet. 0.96

00:11:34.000 I'm not going to lie. 0.96

00:11:36.000 There's a lot of sweetness to it.

00:11:38.000 The aspect, you do write on it?

00:11:40.000 Yeah, I write notes on it.

00:11:41.000 But the thing about this thing that's very impressive, there's a lot of things.

00:11:45.000 The size, the fact that when you have it open, it has an in-screen fingerprint reader, but there's no bezels.

00:11:54.000 Look at that.

00:11:54.000 What's a bezel?

00:11:55.000 There's no outer rim on the outside.

00:11:58.000 It's just all screen.

00:11:59.000 There's no thick black line around the outside edges.

00:12:03.000 Oh, right.

00:12:04.000 Yeah.

00:12:05.000 It's just all screen.

00:12:06.000 There's one little button on the top, one little hole on the top where the selfie camera is.

00:12:12.000 I'm excited for Joker.

00:12:14.000 Yeah, it looks pretty good.

00:12:16.000 It does look pretty good.

00:12:17.000 Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was pretending to be crazy?

00:12:20.000 Yeah, what was that?

00:12:21.000 And you could sort of tell at the time that he was sort of pretending.

00:12:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:24.000 He had a character he was doing for a documentary.

00:12:27.000 Yeah, and it was like, what is this?

00:12:28.000 I don't get it.

00:12:29.000 Did you see the guy from Empire's speech interview?

00:12:33.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:12:35.000 That seems almost like he's not pretending.

00:12:37.000 If he's pretending, he's doing a better job acting than Joaquin Phoenix.

00:12:41.000 Terrence Howard, yeah.

00:12:43.000 He saw Flower of Life or something.

00:12:45.000 Well, Terrence Howard, the guy who interviewed me for Rolling Stone, told me that Terrence Howard is a legitimate genius.

00:12:52.000 He's like, you talk to the guy, the guy is absolutely brilliant.

00:12:54.000 Maybe he figured it all out. 1.00

00:12:55.000 I think he got high as fuck on DMT. That's what it sounds like. 0.99

00:12:58.000 He's talking about followers.

00:12:59.000 Yeah, it does sound like that, right?

00:13:01.000 100%, yeah.

00:13:02.000 Yeah, it all makes sense.

00:13:03.000 But the inability to explain it, just kind of like, it's all connected.

00:13:07.000 But he was not explaining it very well, but very articulately.

00:13:11.000 Like he was using, it wasn't like nonsense talk.

00:13:15.000 Right. 0.97

00:13:15.000 He was like, oh, this is like shockingly coherent for a ridiculous thing to say. 0.97

00:13:23.000 You ever have Shane on to talk about what happened to him?

00:13:25.000 Shane, which one?

00:13:27.000 Shane Moss.

00:13:28.000 No.

00:13:29.000 He did, I think.

00:13:29.000 Oh yeah, no, I've had him on back.

00:13:32.000 Which would happen to him though? 0.99

00:13:34.000 I think he did mushrooms every day for a month or DMT every day for a month and he also covered himself in, I'm getting the terms wrong, but maybe Syrian rules so that shit couldn't come out of his system. 0.98

00:13:45.000 What? 0.99

00:13:45.000 And he went a little bit nutty. 0.99

00:13:47.000 How long ago was this?

00:13:49.000 Maybe a year and a half ago.

00:13:51.000 Oh, okay.

00:13:51.000 So I had one before that.

00:13:53.000 I had one before that.

00:13:54.000 So we went to see Roger Waters.

00:13:55.000 He got tickets for me in Providence.

00:13:58.000 We went down there and he was like talking like he was like I figured out these math equations and he was like the whole time he was like dude I know I'm get it I'm a science guy I get this seems ridiculous I understand why you wouldn't believe me but I can like figure shit out to the point where mathematicians are like hmm I never thought of it that way he's like I don't understand how it's possible but I get why you wouldn't believe that Yeah,

00:14:19.000 he was like he was, you know when you're coming out of a mushroom trip?

00:14:23.000 Yeah.

00:14:23.000 For like 30-40 minutes, you're like, not quite coherent because you've got a foot in there and a foot out here.

00:14:28.000 Yeah.

00:14:28.000 He was like that for hours and I guess for like months.

00:14:32.000 Yeah.

00:14:33.000 He was just in a constant state of coming out of a mushroom trip.

00:14:36.000 I did DMT three times in a day.

00:14:38.000 Wow.

00:14:39.000 The third time, it was a really strong one. 0.99

00:14:44.000 And it fucked me up for a while. 0.96

00:14:47.000 I don't remember how long afterwards, but this was during the fear factor days. 0.93

00:14:50.000 But I remember reality, the way I described it, the reality was very slippery.

00:14:55.000 Yeah.

00:14:56.000 Very slippery.

00:14:56.000 Like, I kept thinking that cars were going to fly over the incoming lane and crash into my car and kill me.

00:15:02.000 Oh, real slippery.

00:15:03.000 Yeah.

00:15:03.000 I kept thinking, like, be really careful.

00:15:06.000 But then I realized that what that is is, like, my ego...

00:15:10.000 Trying to protect me by making me aware of imminent threats and trying to reestablish its position in the chain of command.

00:15:21.000 Because one of the things about really extreme psychedelic experiences is that they dissolve the ego to the point where you realize you don't really matter.

00:15:29.000 You're a part of some crazy system and the only reason why you think you really matter is because your biology wants to stay alive because there's these inherent existential threats to your existence that have always existed throughout time.

00:15:40.000 You know, ultimately though, it doesn't matter because you're just going to live and die and probably live again and die again and this is like this never-ending cycle.

00:15:50.000 Yeah, and you're part of something.

00:15:51.000 One of those guys that anytime you're like fighting it, like you're just like, ah, it just means you haven't taken it enough.

00:15:56.000 I think that was like Terrence McKenna or one of those guys was like, you just have to take more and then you can't fight it and then you're just gone, you know?

00:16:03.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:16:05.000 Yeah, but I was fucked up for a while. 0.99

00:16:07.000 Really? 0.98

00:16:07.000 But I was functional. 0.98

00:16:09.000 But I was real nervous and weirded out by things.

00:16:11.000 How long?

00:16:12.000 Weeks, maybe months.

00:16:13.000 Why'd you do it three times in a day?

00:16:15.000 Were you trying to do that on purpose, or were you just bored?

00:16:16.000 I did it.

00:16:17.000 The first time was light.

00:16:18.000 I went in, but I didn't go in too deep.

00:16:20.000 Yeah.

00:16:21.000 But I saw the visuals, and I lay there, and I was like, I got to the door, and I could see through the windows of the house, but I didn't go inside.

00:16:28.000 The second time, it just opened up a fucking vortex and sucked me through to the center of the universe.

00:16:34.000 And then it was really, really, really intense. 0.99

00:16:37.000 And then I did it again after that.

00:16:38.000 It's because I loved it.

00:16:39.000 Because it was so awesome.

00:16:40.000 I wanted to do it one more time.

00:16:42.000 I got to do it more.

00:16:45.000 I guess not for a month.

00:16:46.000 They make those vape pens.

00:16:47.000 Yeah.

00:16:47.000 That's what we should do on November 1st.

00:16:50.000 Vape pens.

00:16:50.000 Yeah, we should do DMT. In the morning.

00:16:52.000 Yeah, in here.

00:16:54.000 You're going to be in New York.

00:16:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:56.000 Well, as soon as we get back.

00:16:57.000 Come to my apartment.

00:16:58.000 Okay.

00:16:58.000 We'll do it there.

00:17:00.000 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 That'll work.

00:17:02.000 What?

00:17:03.000 That'll work.

00:17:03.000 Yeah.

00:17:05.000 Yeah.

00:17:06.000 You gonna come to those fights?

00:17:08.000 No.

00:17:08.000 I got a wedding.

00:17:09.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:17:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:17:11.000 Who's getting fucked? 0.99

00:17:12.000 Friend style. 0.99

00:17:14.000 I was getting fucked over. 0.99

00:17:16.000 Do they have kids? 0.99

00:17:17.000 Do Sal have kids?

00:17:18.000 No, not yet.

00:17:19.000 Remember those Game Over t-shirts?

00:17:21.000 They were all the rich.

00:17:23.000 I loved them on Venice Beach.

00:17:24.000 I loved them.

00:17:25.000 I was like, whoa!

00:17:27.000 That's so bleak!

00:17:31.000 It's such a crazy institution that works out half the time. 0.93

00:17:34.000 It is nuts, dude.

00:17:36.000 I was talking to my high school friends, and one of them, we're talking about how long they've been in their place without their wife or kids, like how long it's been since they've been alone in their house.

00:17:44.000 You know, not on the road, and not without their wife, but with their kids, but like alone.

00:17:48.000 One friend said it was 10 years.

00:17:51.000 He hasn't been alone?

00:17:52.000 Alone.

00:17:53.000 Slept alone in his house where no one else was there.

00:17:56.000 Well, I think that for comics, one really good thing about going on the road, you get these little resets and you miss them and you come back and you're happy.

00:18:06.000 I meet guys that don't ever leave their family, ever, and they look beaten.

00:18:13.000 They just look emasculated and shrunken, deflated.

00:18:18.000 I'm sure some people can do it. 1.00

00:18:20.000 And if you listen, you're like, fuck you, man. 1.00

00:18:22.000 I'm happily married. 1.00

00:18:23.000 I believe you.

00:18:23.000 Why are you so mad then?

00:18:24.000 I believe you.

00:18:25.000 I believe you.

00:18:26.000 I'm just saying, I see a lot of people that are beaten down.

00:18:29.000 People get annoyed with each other.

00:18:30.000 Like, if you and I lived together...

00:18:31.000 You need a break here or there.

00:18:33.000 If you and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment... 0.99

00:18:35.000 We would kill each other. 0.98

00:18:36.000 We would be so mad at each other. 0.94

00:18:37.000 Within how long?

00:18:38.000 A month or even faster?

00:18:42.000 First of all, I'd be immediately saying, okay, this is temporary.

00:18:46.000 We're going to get our own apartments.

00:18:47.000 There's no way we can live there.

00:18:48.000 We can't last like this.

00:18:49.000 But when I lived with Duncan in my big house, it was fine.

00:18:53.000 For the whole time?

00:18:54.000 Duncan lived with me for six months.

00:18:55.000 It was great.

00:18:56.000 I think some of it helps if you know it is temporary.

00:18:58.000 Kind of like summer jobs were okay because you knew at the end of August, this is over.

00:19:02.000 But then that first year where you were just working, you're like, there's no end in sight.

00:19:05.000 Well, see, roommates can be cool if they're cool, right?

00:19:09.000 Like, if they pay their rent...

00:19:11.000 If they're never there, that's the best thing you can do is to never be there.

00:19:13.000 Yeah.

00:19:14.000 Or if they clean up after themselves.

00:19:16.000 Yeah.

00:19:16.000 Always clean.

00:19:17.000 Yeah.

00:19:17.000 That's big.

00:19:18.000 That changes everything. 0.99

00:19:19.000 Like, if your roommate just leaves their shit everywhere, it's annoying, even if they're not home. 0.99

00:19:23.000 But if your roommate cleans up... 0.99

00:19:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:25.000 And they don't leave their shit everywhere. 0.99

00:19:26.000 Then it's just a person that you really like that you see every couple days. 0.99

00:19:29.000 Like, hey, what's up, man?

00:19:30.000 What have you been up to?

00:19:31.000 And that's fine.

00:19:32.000 But my house, you know, my house is kind of big and stretched out.

00:19:35.000 So Duncan was over in this corner and I was over in that corner.

00:19:38.000 It was fine.

00:19:38.000 Duncan was your Kato.

00:19:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:40.000 He was my Kato Kato. 0.84

00:19:41.000 Kato lived in a separate house, though, right?

00:19:43.000 But man, he did his job.

00:19:44.000 He was like, I didn't really see much of anything.

00:19:46.000 Hey, what are you going to do?

00:19:47.000 I didn't really see much of anything.

00:19:48.000 The guy's been really cool to me.

00:19:49.000 Didn't see much of anything.

00:19:50.000 Ask me again.

00:19:51.000 I'm loving this attention.

00:19:52.000 I didn't see much of anything, though.

00:19:53.000 I did an audition once with Kato.

00:19:56.000 Really?

00:19:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:57.000 It was something that I was doing with McGuire and some other guy that never wound up getting made.

00:20:02.000 But anyway, we were all together and Kato came in to read for it. 0.71

00:20:05.000 How shitty is stand-up when...

00:20:08.000 On your way down, that's what people go into before their last step out of complete showbiz. 0.94

00:20:14.000 Dormy Daniels is doing stand-up now.

00:20:16.000 Piven.

00:20:17.000 Yep.

00:20:18.000 Yeah, they're all like, well, let me just try this at the end.

00:20:21.000 Well, stand-up, look.

00:20:23.000 No respect.

00:20:24.000 But here's the thing. 0.93

00:20:24.000 If they did it and loved it and respected it and was fucking gung-ho for it, I have a unique opinion. 0.93

00:20:33.000 I mean, I know a lot of comics get real mad at people trying to do comedy.

00:20:36.000 Yeah.

00:20:36.000 I feel like anybody trying to do comedy is a comic.

00:20:39.000 Yeah.

00:20:39.000 If you respect it and you treat it wrong.

00:20:41.000 That's how I've always treated open micers.

00:20:43.000 If you are an open micer, in my opinion, you are a comic.

00:20:46.000 Except the no blacks thing you always say.

00:20:48.000 No, no, no.

00:20:48.000 That's not anymore.

00:20:49.000 Oh.

00:20:49.000 Oh, oh, oh.

00:20:50.000 Sorry.

00:20:50.000 Oh, oh, oh.

00:20:51.000 You woke up.

00:20:52.000 Sorry.

00:20:53.000 No, now it's only Asians of a certain... 1.00

00:20:57.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:20:59.000 Can we even joke around about it anymore?

00:21:01.000 They're serious!

00:21:02.000 They're so serious!

00:21:04.000 Hey, dude.

00:21:05.000 There's been so many more Asian jokes around the scene lately. 0.99

00:21:08.000 It almost seems like this has reminded people of that whole fucking angle. 0.99

00:21:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:13.000 It's like opening up the door.

00:21:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:14.000 And we should not be talking about it because right now there might be ninjas in here.

00:21:17.000 In this room?

00:21:18.000 Yes.

00:21:19.000 That's what they're good at. 1.00

00:21:20.000 You're high as fuck from that cigar. 1.00

00:21:23.000 Yeah, we're totally cheating. 1.00

00:21:25.000 We've already cheated.

00:21:26.000 We're both blitzed. 0.99

00:21:29.000 But no, I really feel like anybody, boy, girl, gay, straight, trans, whatever the fuck you are, if you're doing stand-up, you're one of us. 0.99

00:21:36.000 That's how I feel. 0.99

00:21:37.000 I mean, you might be terrible, you might be on your first couple of days, but you could eventually be my peer.

00:21:43.000 I think that's why at the store, specifically even, there's this respect for the door guys, because they go on to become the real comics, and half the real comics were door guys.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, a large number.

00:21:53.000 So they're just like, yeah, you're just me, but earlier.

00:21:55.000 Yep.

00:21:55.000 I mean, you, Duncan, there's a bunch of people.

00:21:59.000 Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, they were all door guys.

00:22:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:03.000 The store is uniquely special in that way, that it really promotes.

00:22:08.000 There's a lot of people at the improv, too, though, that are comics.

00:22:11.000 Really?

00:22:11.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:22:13.000 But the store, they make a big deal out of the fact that you can get spots.

00:22:18.000 You can get those late night spots, which are giant.

00:22:21.000 There's five minutes to open, too.

00:22:23.000 That's pretty cool.

00:22:24.000 We never had that.

00:22:25.000 Those are huge.

00:22:26.000 And you get those occasional belly room shows.

00:22:29.000 You get to meet guys like us that'll take you on the road.

00:22:33.000 You also get to see real good comedy night after night after night.

00:22:36.000 Different styles.

00:22:37.000 Yep.

00:22:37.000 You get to see the murderers.

00:22:38.000 The murderers of the world.

00:22:40.000 That helped me grow a lot.

00:22:41.000 Damon Wayans is back.

00:22:42.000 Damon Wayans is back.

00:22:42.000 Yeah.

00:22:43.000 How's he doing? 0.75

00:22:43.000 Killing. 0.75

00:22:44.000 Killing. 0.99

00:22:44.000 Took years off. 0.99

00:22:44.000 He used to do that thing where he would like intentionally fuck up for five minutes when he was doing like 30s and 40s, you know? 0.99

00:22:51.000 He would like fuck up for five minutes and get everybody kind of against him and then he could test his stuff out. 0.99

00:22:55.000 Yep. 0.99

00:22:56.000 Yeah, he would do it on purpose.

00:22:57.000 Corny jokes.

00:22:58.000 He would do corny jokes and he would also just go, what else?

00:23:02.000 What else?

00:23:02.000 Tell people like, I don't even know about this guy.

00:23:04.000 Were you just an actor?

00:23:05.000 Yeah.

00:23:06.000 Yeah.

00:23:07.000 He would just dig little holes.

00:23:08.000 What else?

00:23:09.000 What else?

00:23:10.000 I love that.

00:23:10.000 When a comic does that, what else?

00:23:12.000 But if you can do that, if you can dig those holes and then dig yourself out, then you know that's a real bit.

00:23:17.000 Right.

00:23:18.000 A bit that digs you out of a hole is a real bit.

00:23:20.000 That's a tool. 1.00

00:23:21.000 That's a fucking shovel. 1.00

00:23:22.000 You can dig a hole with that shovel. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Bits are pieces of expression, but some of them are just tools.

00:23:31.000 They're tools, like opening bits.

00:23:35.000 Like, I've had opening bits where, like, okay, I need to detonate this door to get into this room.

00:23:40.000 Clear!

00:23:41.000 Boom! 0.99

00:23:42.000 Detonate the door.

00:23:43.000 Okay, now we're in.

00:23:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:23:45.000 Like, it's a tool.

00:23:45.000 It's a tool to get the job done.

00:23:47.000 Yeah.

00:23:48.000 Yeah.

00:23:49.000 Jake Johansson used to do this joke.

00:23:50.000 I opened for him once in D.C. He's a great guy.

00:23:53.000 Yeah, he's really nice.

00:23:54.000 He's really nice.

00:23:55.000 Killer stand-up, too.

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:57.000 Never see that guy.

00:23:59.000 Yeah.

00:23:59.000 He's in the road, mostly.

00:24:01.000 Always.

00:24:02.000 But, um, built his own house.

00:24:04.000 He's a tall guy.

00:24:05.000 He was like, fine, they got showers.

00:24:06.000 They're coming from over. 0.99

00:24:07.000 I don't have to bend over.

00:24:08.000 He built it himself?

00:24:08.000 Or had somebody build it?

00:24:09.000 I mean, I'm sure he had someone build it.

00:24:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:11.000 No, that's not really a possibility.

00:24:14.000 That would be.

00:24:15.000 He's out there unabombering it.

00:24:16.000 Yeah, but it's like all lame and it's all falling apart.

00:24:19.000 He goes, I don't know what I'm doing!

00:24:21.000 I was on the road!

00:24:22.000 I didn't have time to learn carpentry!

00:24:24.000 It was like Band-Aids over holes.

00:24:27.000 My wife's all mad at me. 1.00

00:24:28.000 She left me.

00:24:28.000 That late night tape that's supposed to stop leaks.

00:24:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:32.000 It keeps a boat.

00:24:33.000 Yeah.

00:24:33.000 It keeps a boat up.

00:24:34.000 The bottom of the boat is filled with tape.

00:24:38.000 But yeah, he had some joke at the very beginning and you'd go behind.

00:24:41.000 So like you introduce something and you go off.

00:24:43.000 So I couldn't tell what he was doing.

00:24:44.000 He just said, oh, it's good to be here in D.C. And everyone would laugh.

00:24:48.000 And I'm like, what is that joke?

00:24:50.000 And I asked him, I finally saw it, because every night I would do it, and he would be like, it's good to be here in D.C., and everyone would laugh.

00:24:57.000 And I'm like, I don't see where there's a joke there.

00:24:59.000 I could only hear it.

00:25:00.000 So I ran out to the curtain and opened up slightly so I could see.

00:25:04.000 And it's just an easy one.

00:25:05.000 He just goes, it's good to be here, and then he turns around to look at the sign and goes, oh, D.C. I'm like, oh, I get it now.

00:25:12.000 But he goes, oh, dude, my first five minutes, don't judge any of that.

00:25:15.000 That's just me getting him on my side.

00:25:17.000 Yeah, just working.

00:25:18.000 Yeah.

00:25:19.000 Because then I got them from me, and then I can do whatever I want.

00:25:22.000 Just little tools.

00:25:23.000 Little things to get going.

00:25:24.000 Technique.

00:25:25.000 Savers.

00:25:25.000 You ever have a saver?

00:25:26.000 Start off, joke doesn't go, and you're like, well, let me get fucking... 0.97

00:25:29.000 real quick. 0.93

00:25:30.000 Yeah, you always gotta have those get-out-of-jail-free passes.

00:25:33.000 Yeah.

00:25:34.000 You only get one or two of them, and then it's like, well, now it's just gonna be a full bomb.

00:25:38.000 Yeah, it could easily be a full bomb.

00:25:41.000 But one of the most satisfying sets you can ever have is like, you start bombing and then you pull yourself out.

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 Or when the crowd doesn't like you, and then they slowly start to like you.

00:25:50.000 Yeah.

00:25:51.000 Yeah, like you have a bit that for whatever reason just turns them.

00:25:55.000 Yeah.

00:25:57.000 You know, you said something that I think is so true, that this is a great time for real comedy.

00:26:03.000 Yeah.

00:26:03.000 It's great.

00:26:04.000 Comedy's dangerous again.

00:26:05.000 Oh, it's so much fun.

00:26:07.000 People hear stuff and they're like, whoa!

00:26:09.000 It's back into these little basement rooms.

00:26:11.000 Everyone's attacking it all the time.

00:26:13.000 It's so great.

00:26:15.000 You know when people get mad at you for saying something harsh? 1.00

00:26:18.000 And you walk through it like, fuck you! 1.00

00:26:20.000 Because you know you made some Catholic joke and they're all butthurt because they're Catholic. 1.00

00:26:24.000 And you got them.

00:26:25.000 And you know it's okay because they're only there angry and everyone else is laughing like crazy.

00:26:30.000 Now the scale of that is just way larger.

00:26:33.000 Yeah.

00:26:34.000 Your stuff can go out and just, like, get a bunch of people angry.

00:26:37.000 The people that are cool enough to, like, actually like the stuff, it feels way more dangerous and fun.

00:26:42.000 You know what we should do with this podcast with Tom and Bert?

00:26:45.000 We should do, like, Bud's training.

00:26:46.000 Bring in buckets of ice and just have vodka all over the table. 1.00

00:26:50.000 Oh, to see if they'll be okay.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, to see if they tap.

00:26:52.000 They ring the bell.

00:26:53.000 Yeah.

00:26:54.000 I could see Bert doing that.

00:26:55.000 We could talk Bert into ringing the bell, especially if we tell him we smoked cigars when we got high.

00:26:59.000 We smoked cigars laced with formaldehyde.

00:27:02.000 Yeah, what is that called?

00:27:02.000 Chirm?

00:27:05.000 Kids, they smoke chirm. 1.00

00:27:07.000 Get wet!

00:27:08.000 Did you hear about that lady? 0.95

00:27:09.000 This has nothing to do with that.

00:27:10.000 But she just got convicted today of murder. 1.00

00:27:12.000 She walked into the wrong apartment.

00:27:15.000 Oh, a cop, right?

00:27:16.000 Yep.

00:27:16.000 She thought this guy was in her apartment.

00:27:18.000 She shot him and killed him. 0.84

00:27:19.000 She said, let me see your hands. 1.00

00:27:21.000 And from his point of view, he's like, who the fuck are you? 1.00

00:27:23.000 Let me see your hands. 1.00

00:27:25.000 Yeah.

00:27:26.000 And she shot him.

00:27:26.000 I didn't hear that part, but I just know that she shot him and murdered him accidentally.

00:27:30.000 She thought he was in her place.

00:27:32.000 Yeah.

00:27:34.000 I heard her crying on the stand.

00:27:37.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:27:38.000 And it was like, damn. 0.99

00:27:40.000 But it's just like... 0.99

00:27:42.000 I don't know.

00:27:43.000 Why do you keep going to shooting?

00:27:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:27:46.000 I just don't shoot.

00:27:48.000 Right.

00:27:48.000 Did the guy run at you?

00:27:49.000 Yeah.

00:27:50.000 It's like...

00:27:51.000 Like, when do you shoot someone if you find them in your house?

00:27:54.000 Is the training wrong?

00:27:56.000 Why unarmed people are getting shot?

00:27:58.000 It's not even like, hey, get the sandwich real quick!

00:28:01.000 It's not even like that.

00:28:02.000 Right, right.

00:28:03.000 It's just like, I mean, you got it wrong.

00:28:05.000 At very least, you got it wrong.

00:28:07.000 Well, I've said this many times that I think the vast majority of interactions that people have with police, they're positive.

00:28:14.000 There's no problem.

00:28:15.000 Yeah.

00:28:15.000 And that's why you don't hear about them.

00:28:16.000 But you hear about one every now and again.

00:28:18.000 But that's just because there's 300 million people. 0.99

00:28:21.000 And if you count up all those one every now and again, it seems like there's this fucking just assault on unarmed people by cops. 0.98

00:28:29.000 Those stories you're listening to over statistics. 1.00

00:28:31.000 Well, it's just, it's people that suck at being a cop. 0.99

00:28:34.000 And especially girls. 0.99

00:28:36.000 No offense, ladies. 0.99

00:28:37.000 But you're physically weaker, right?

00:28:39.000 So you could get that gun taken from you.

00:28:42.000 Someone's in your house.

00:28:43.000 You live by yourself, maybe.

00:28:44.000 And you see this guy in your house, and you're so terrified.

00:28:47.000 Because, like, it's like a monster.

00:28:49.000 Like a big man is like a monster to a woman. 1.00

00:28:52.000 And then at the same time, that dude is just in his apartment and now he's dead.

00:28:56.000 So that's also not great.

00:28:57.000 Oh, it's terrible.

00:28:58.000 But like...

00:28:59.000 You're not supposed to just shoot people.

00:29:01.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to just shoot people.

00:29:02.000 But in her eyes, if she really thought that she was...

00:29:05.000 That's why I don't understand how it's murder.

00:29:08.000 What's the accident?

00:29:09.000 Isn't manslaughter like accidental shooting?

00:29:11.000 I don't understand any of that.

00:29:12.000 How's it not manslaughter?

00:29:14.000 Yeah.

00:29:14.000 Do you know?

00:29:15.000 I just was following the story a little bit.

00:29:17.000 I remember some facts from a few weeks ago that there were a lot of...

00:29:20.000 There are at least three or four things in place here that made it not seem like an accident.

00:29:25.000 Oh, really?

00:29:26.000 Like the door.

00:29:26.000 For instance, the door in those apartments, I was reading, it shuts automatically.

00:29:30.000 So I think she said it was unlocked or it was kind of open.

00:29:34.000 And everyone that sort of knows about that apartment building is like, that's not possible.

00:29:37.000 Those doors shut automatically behind you.

00:29:38.000 You would have had to open the door.

00:29:40.000 How could she open the door?

00:29:41.000 Maybe it didn't shut all the way.

00:29:43.000 I don't know.

00:29:44.000 I think they had a relationship, maybe, too, or something like that.

00:29:47.000 What?

00:29:48.000 I don't know.

00:29:48.000 I might be misremembering the facts.

00:29:51.000 Oh, listen, you can't just say that.

00:29:52.000 Let's Google this.

00:29:53.000 Let's start Googling.

00:29:54.000 I heard the guy she shot was New Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh. 1.00

00:29:57.000 Oh, and I heard you had a chug dick. 1.00

00:29:59.000 And he denied her that dick after a while. 1.00

00:30:01.000 It's like, no more dick for you. 1.00

00:30:03.000 Yeah, I think it's a great time to be a stand-up. 0.99

00:30:05.000 I really do think it's dangerous again.

00:30:06.000 And people are like, it's like, you hear something.

00:30:10.000 When you are one of those people who just go to shows, you hear something, you're just like, as an audience member, you're just like, whoa!

00:30:15.000 Also, the woke outrage has totally worn off and has the opposite effect.

00:30:19.000 Like with Dave Chappelle, you can just skip Dave Chappelle's new special.

00:30:23.000 Oh, my It must be awesome.

00:30:24.000 Oh, I love the internet all coming together just to respond to those people.

00:30:27.000 Cool.

00:30:28.000 Who should I check out?

00:30:29.000 Those people?

00:30:29.000 Thanks.

00:30:29.000 Exactly.

00:30:30.000 Yeah, thanks.

00:30:31.000 They did it with Bill Burr, too.

00:30:33.000 Yeah.

00:30:33.000 But Chappelle Special, you know the whole thing with Rotten Tomatoes.

00:30:37.000 They only allowed five different woke reviewers to take care.

00:30:41.000 To get at it?

00:30:42.000 Yeah.

00:30:42.000 And they gave it a 0%.

00:30:43.000 And then they released it to the public.

00:30:45.000 And we all loved it.

00:30:46.000 Because everybody was mad.

00:30:48.000 Your job is to tell us what we'd like.

00:30:50.000 And you failed at that job.

00:30:51.000 Well...

00:30:52.000 Their job is to review things and their ideology that they're forced to exist in is woke ideology.

00:31:00.000 Anyone who's working as a journalist, like there's really- It's the same thing that Christians did when they used to review stuff for like Christian content. 0.99

00:31:07.000 Remember that?

00:31:08.000 Oh yeah.

00:31:08.000 When they would rate it based on how many kissing scenes are there, how many curses are there.

00:31:13.000 You don't have to see those reviews.

00:31:16.000 Those are like a separate people's reviews.

00:31:18.000 Well, somebody wrote something about it that I actually retweeted today, see if you can find it, about the connection between theology, the resemblances between woke ideology and theology.

00:31:30.000 They're so similar.

00:31:31.000 The same.

00:31:33.000 It's about compliance.

00:31:34.000 We want you doing it our way!

00:31:36.000 Yes, our way.

00:31:37.000 Our way.

00:31:37.000 Put your hat on.

00:31:38.000 Put your special underwear on. 1.00

00:31:40.000 It's so dumb. 1.00

00:31:41.000 It's so fucking whatever. 1.00

00:31:42.000 So dumb! 1.00

00:31:42.000 I hate even talking about it. 1.00

00:31:44.000 I love talking about it. 0.98

00:31:44.000 It's just like, we're just writing jokes and doing fucking good things. 0.98

00:31:48.000 But whenever someone who's woke says something that's ridiculous, it makes for great comedy. 0.98

00:31:54.000 Richard Dawkins. 1.00

00:31:55.000 It is so stupid. 1.00

00:31:55.000 Yeah, so Dawkins is coming on the podcast soon, too. 1.00

00:31:58.000 I'm excited to talk to him.

00:32:00.000 The Righteous and the Woke.

00:32:01.000 Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors. 0.58

00:32:03.000 Click on that so I can get with the actual.

00:32:06.000 Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors trigger me in the same way. 0.99

00:32:11.000 Yeah, it's the same like you gotta do it my way shit. 0.99

00:32:13.000 It's the right way. 0.99

00:32:14.000 It really is.

00:32:16.000 Yeah.

00:32:16.000 Well, it's about compliance.

00:32:18.000 People love compliance.

00:32:19.000 They love getting other people to fall in line.

00:32:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:21.000 And they get scared when people are just out there doing whatever the fuck they want to do. 0.99

00:32:25.000 And that's with everything, man. 0.93

00:32:27.000 That's with their diet.

00:32:28.000 That's with the way they behave.

00:32:30.000 That's with the clothes they wear.

00:32:31.000 People get mad.

00:32:32.000 They get mad if you wear your hat backwards.

00:32:34.000 Dude, I asked my friend who's now a rabbi. 0.99

00:32:37.000 I asked him for help with the thing I'm doing in my hour.

00:32:41.000 Mm-hmm.

00:32:43.000 And to look it up, just factually, I want to make sure I get it exactly right.

00:32:46.000 And he's like, no, I'm not going to look that up for you, just so you can make fun of it.

00:32:49.000 I'm like, what?

00:32:50.000 That's not your job.

00:32:51.000 Your job is to tell me.

00:32:52.000 Yeah, I'm like, it's a Jew asking. 1.00

00:32:54.000 And he goes, no, I'm not going to be part of this mockery.

00:32:56.000 I'm like, you haven't even seen it.

00:32:58.000 You haven't even seen it.

00:32:59.000 Wow.

00:33:00.000 So I'm going to help you. 0.89

00:33:01.000 I know, but it's like fucking hard to find somebody who knows it, knows it.

00:33:04.000 I don't have that many people left in that part of my life. 0.63

00:33:06.000 He really won't help you. 1.00

00:33:07.000 Yeah, and I'm like, fucking shut up. 1.00

00:33:08.000 All you religious people are all exactly the same. 1.00

00:33:10.000 Every religion. 0.99

00:33:11.000 It's fucking real. 0.99

00:33:13.000 And then what you want in terms of like not being embarrassed. 0.97

00:33:16.000 But it's hilarious that they would have something that they don't want you mocking.

00:33:20.000 Just let me have the information.

00:33:22.000 You can't hold it from me.

00:33:23.000 Right.

00:33:23.000 Like imagine if there was something like that with stand-up.

00:33:25.000 Like, no, I'm not going to tell you how we write jokes.

00:33:27.000 You're just going to mock it.

00:33:30.000 Maybe I will.

00:33:31.000 How do you get up at the store?

00:33:32.000 It's up to me.

00:33:32.000 How do you get up at a mic tonight?

00:33:33.000 I'm not telling you.

00:33:34.000 You're just going to mock it.

00:33:36.000 I mean, I am going to mock it, but it's going to be in a fun way.

00:33:39.000 How do you go from being an opening act to being a middle to being a headliner?

00:33:41.000 I'm not going to tell you.

00:33:42.000 I'm not going to tell you that.

00:33:43.000 What, are you going to mock it?

00:33:46.000 It drove me so crazy. 1.00

00:33:47.000 Anything you can't mock is bullshit. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Dude, I was so mad. 1.00

00:33:50.000 I was like, get fucked. 1.00

00:33:51.000 He was like, come on, don't use that language. 1.00

00:33:52.000 You know I'm a rabbi. 1.00

00:33:53.000 I'm like, eat my shit. 1.00

00:33:54.000 All you religious fucks are exactly the fucking same. 1.00

00:33:57.000 I'm asking for help as a Jew. 1.00

00:33:59.000 Ah!

00:34:02.000 But how are you still a Jew? 0.93

00:34:04.000 This is something that's always struggled, troubled people that are non-religious.

00:34:10.000 Jews are the rare people that can also be atheists.

00:34:13.000 Yeah, it's kind of like how stand-up is rare in the art form that it needs other people to exist.

00:34:17.000 Jews are rare because you can see being a cultural and racial Jew without being a religious Jew. 0.83

00:34:24.000 But it's a racial Jew, but you could be born in Europe, or you could be born in Israel, you could be born anywhere and be a racial Jew, but yet you are not religious at all, but Jewish is a religion. 0.70

00:34:38.000 Yeah.

00:34:39.000 Judaism is a religion.

00:34:40.000 It's both.

00:34:40.000 Yes.

00:34:41.000 Yeah.

00:34:41.000 I talk about this in my new hour.

00:34:43.000 Oh, you do?

00:34:43.000 Okay, cool.

00:34:44.000 Yeah.

00:34:44.000 That Jew stuff is a lot of, like, it's all just stand-up, but it's a lot of, like, stuff you've always wanted to know.

00:34:49.000 Yeah.

00:34:50.000 Well, you remember back when you used to tell me those stories, and I'm like, how are you not talking about this stuff on stage?

00:34:55.000 I wasn't good enough yet.

00:34:56.000 Yeah.

00:34:57.000 Or I was too close to it.

00:34:58.000 But it's so good that you waited to get really good at stand-up, and now you can really delve into all the absurdities.

00:35:04.000 Yeah.

00:35:04.000 Really go into it in a way and know how to ease out so Jews don't feel attacked.

00:35:09.000 There's got to be a rabbi out there that'll give you the fucking real deal. 1.00

00:35:12.000 I've got to find one. 0.98

00:35:13.000 I've had rabbis come to the shows, and some of them have corrected me on stuff.

00:35:16.000 I'm like, oh, interesting.

00:35:17.000 Thank you.

00:35:17.000 I want to get it right.

00:35:19.000 Find those guys.

00:35:20.000 Yeah, yeah, I gotta find them. 0.81

00:35:21.000 Your friend's lame. 0.96

00:35:22.000 He's lame! 1.00

00:35:23.000 Fucking lame. 1.00

00:35:23.000 He's always also trying to get me to come back. 1.00

00:35:25.000 He's always demeaning me like, oh yeah, it's the worst.

00:35:27.000 Trying to get you to come back to the fold.

00:35:28.000 I don't mind it in a nice way, but not like a, you're wasting your life. 0.99

00:35:32.000 Listen, we can cover up your bald spot with a nice yarmulke. 0.97

00:35:35.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.82

00:35:36.000 Tight.

00:35:37.000 Get you a sweet one that all the ladies like. 1.00

00:35:42.000 You ever have conservative friends who don't even understand your life?

00:35:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:45.000 Like, what they insult you on?

00:35:47.000 You're like, no, that's a good thing.

00:35:49.000 Yeah.

00:35:50.000 Freedom.

00:35:50.000 Yeah, when they're like, you came home drunk at 5 a.m.

00:35:52.000 on a weekday, and you're like, yeah, right?

00:35:54.000 Isn't that awesome?

00:35:55.000 It was great.

00:35:55.000 I got a ride.

00:35:57.000 I'm responsible.

00:35:58.000 I remember a blog you wrote a long time ago, and you wrote, like, people, you coming home and somebody, like, leaving, and then, like, I think the line was, if you could smell my thing, it would blow your mind.

00:36:08.000 Yeah.

00:36:11.000 Some people get super self-righteous about their choices.

00:36:15.000 People like to feel like if they're getting up early and you're coming home as they're getting up, that somehow or another they're doing better than you.

00:36:21.000 That's not true. 1.00

00:36:22.000 You could have had the most fucking amazing night ever, pussy. 1.00

00:36:25.000 What have you been doing? 1.00

00:36:26.000 Watching Golden Girls and sleeping? 1.00

00:36:28.000 Fuck off. 1.00

00:36:29.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:36:30.000 Especially as a comic. 1.00

00:36:31.000 Like, you can't tell.

00:36:32.000 Like, Mark Norman came in here with the clothes that he was wearing the night before.

00:36:35.000 He came in here, he was up all night, and then he slept till noon and made his way over here with his suit on.

00:36:43.000 It was great.

00:36:44.000 I loved it. 1.00

00:36:45.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:36:46.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:36:47.000 That's us.

00:36:48.000 That's our religion.

00:36:50.000 I mean, if I have a religion, it's comedy.

00:36:52.000 Yeah.

00:36:53.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:36:54.000 If somebody tells me something, I was like, were they joking?

00:36:57.000 Yeah, well, you know, that's a joke. 0.66

00:36:58.000 Dude, my thing now is whenever I hear a comic, my instinct right now is when they're like, can you believe they say this ridiculous thing?

00:37:03.000 Even if it's not on my side of things I believe, you know?

00:37:06.000 I start to get angry and then I stop and go, wait a minute.

00:37:10.000 Let's look at it under the lens of their comedian writing something.

00:37:13.000 And sometimes they're serious, but a lot of times like, oh, this is a joke.

00:37:16.000 This is a tongue-in-cheek, like, exaggeration on purpose.

00:37:19.000 Or, yeah, or you try something and it doesn't work.

00:37:23.000 You know, don't hold someone to what they're saying.

00:37:27.000 It goes back to the Shane thing, right?

00:37:30.000 The Shane Gillis thing.

00:37:31.000 Leave him alone.

00:37:32.000 He was just trying to be funny. 1.00

00:37:34.000 He was trying to talk shit and be funny, and you miss. 0.99

00:37:37.000 And people are like, it's just racist. 0.99

00:37:38.000 I'm like, yeah, but sometimes racism is funny if you say it in a way.

00:37:46.000 Why don't you call it jokes about race relations?

00:37:48.000 Yes, jokes about race relations.

00:37:51.000 Which is something like, can't we talk about that?

00:37:53.000 Yeah.

00:37:53.000 Isn't that one of those big taboo things you should touch on?

00:37:56.000 Yeah, can't you talk...

00:37:57.000 What races can you openly mock with no... 0.65

00:38:02.000 White? 0.92

00:38:03.000 Yeah, right.

00:38:04.000 Indian?

00:38:05.000 I guess it's going away.

00:38:06.000 Indian and Chinese was an Asian, I mean.

00:38:09.000 Yeah, you used to be able to.

00:38:10.000 I remember...

00:38:10.000 Yeah, it's going away right now.

00:38:12.000 I had a joke about Pakistan. 1.00

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:14.000 Pakistan was about to go to war with India, and he was like, what are they fighting over?

00:38:17.000 Who smells the worst?

00:38:19.000 Yeah.

00:38:19.000 And he did this all the time.

00:38:21.000 And this was like, you know, early 2000s. 0.97

00:38:24.000 But if he did that joke now, people would be fucking mad at you. 0.98

00:38:27.000 Furious. 0.98

00:38:27.000 But that's what makes it more fun, too. 0.98

00:38:29.000 They're getting so mad.

00:38:31.000 Meanwhile, this dude was from Texas.

00:38:33.000 He'd never been to India or Pakistan.

00:38:35.000 Right, it's like, what?

00:38:36.000 I had no idea if they smelled bad.

00:38:37.000 Guys, I'm just joking.

00:38:38.000 It's very harmful.

00:38:40.000 No, it's not.

00:38:41.000 Do you ever see a picture of a real racist somewhere?

00:38:44.000 You know?

00:38:45.000 I got real racist.

00:38:46.000 Yeah, and you're like, oh, and then you remember what they just were mad about some other guy in, like, comedy being racist, and you're like, guys, that's not even close.

00:38:53.000 Like, this guy made a joke, and that guy's...

00:38:55.000 Here's how you know who's a racist when you accuse him of racism, and they don't deny it. 1.00

00:39:00.000 They're like, yeah, fuck them. 1.00

00:39:02.000 That's the racist person. 1.00

00:39:04.000 Not when they go like, no, [...

00:39:06.000 That's how you know they're not really feeling that way.

00:39:08.000 But if you make a joke about murder, are you a murderer, really, secretly?

00:39:11.000 Yeah, you are.

00:39:12.000 Really?

00:39:13.000 I think so.

00:39:13.000 Why?

00:39:15.000 There's certain things, right?

00:39:17.000 You're allowed to joke. 1.00

00:39:20.000 You could definitely joke about fucking animals. 1.00

00:39:24.000 Right? 1.00

00:39:25.000 Nobody thinks you're really into bestiality.

00:39:27.000 Well, what I think is all this stuff about, like, you can't joke about race or gender, but it makes child murder stuff, like, all the better. 0.89

00:39:35.000 Like, it's a grand time for that.

00:39:37.000 That used to be too harsh.

00:39:39.000 When I started comedy, it was right up to Columbine.

00:39:41.000 And that was like, no.

00:39:42.000 You're gonna ruin the room.

00:39:43.000 But now it's back.

00:39:44.000 Really?

00:39:45.000 Yeah.

00:39:45.000 Child murder?

00:39:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:39:47.000 School shooting shit. 1.00

00:39:48.000 You can joke about school shootings, no problem. 1.00

00:39:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:50.000 If you do it well.

00:39:51.000 If you do it well.

00:39:51.000 But even if you don't, it's still like a, Jesus, dude.

00:39:54.000 I got mad at a lot of people over that Louis C.K. thing.

00:39:56.000 I got mad at a lot of people.

00:39:58.000 Yeah.

00:39:58.000 Not because what he said was great.

00:40:00.000 You know what Louis said? 0.67

00:40:01.000 Just because you push some fat kid into the way. 0.68

00:40:04.000 Irrelevant. 0.90

00:40:05.000 Irrelevant whether it's good or bad.

00:40:07.000 Let me tell you something.

00:40:08.000 If he was left alone with that bit.

00:40:11.000 We're good to go.

00:40:30.000 But it's irrelevant because if I make an unfunny joke about traffic, no one's coming after me.

00:40:36.000 It's clearly not about whether it's funny or not.

00:40:38.000 It's got nothing to do with it.

00:40:40.000 Well, it's whether or not you should be able to make light of something terrible.

00:40:44.000 And you can't let somebody not fail that direction.

00:40:46.000 They have to fail in all directions.

00:40:48.000 You try to find the line.

00:40:49.000 Well, I understand regular people not understanding that.

00:40:52.000 I really do.

00:40:53.000 But I don't understand comics.

00:40:54.000 I don't understand comics not understanding the process of creating material.

00:40:59.000 You are disingenuous.

00:41:02.000 No, I can't understand it if you are, if like, say someone is like a Jim Gaffigan type comic that's never offensive and just like kind of, you know, family friendly.

00:41:13.000 Anybody can go see Gaffigan.

00:41:14.000 He's hilarious, but you could take your grandma to see her with no worry at all.

00:41:18.000 If he did a joke about a school shooting, you'd be like, whoa, Jim.

00:41:24.000 But even then, I would still say he's trying to find an angle.

00:41:27.000 Yeah, let him do it.

00:41:27.000 What do you mean?

00:41:28.000 Let him figure out the angle.

00:41:29.000 If people don't laugh, that's an indication that he's on the wrong way.

00:41:32.000 If you talk to Gaffigan after that, you'd be like, did they go for it?

00:41:35.000 And he'd be like, not really.

00:41:36.000 And you're like, whoa.

00:41:38.000 You're going to try it again?

00:41:39.000 He goes, maybe, but maybe he'll pull it back.

00:41:40.000 Dude, I've had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, I've got to bail on this bit.

00:41:43.000 Yeah, where it's like you try it and try it and try it.

00:41:45.000 It just doesn't work.

00:41:46.000 But that's the process.

00:41:47.000 So now if I'm a young comic, if I say, can I even come close to the line?

00:41:51.000 Because if I go over it, that's what you do when you're kind of blindly walking towards the line. 1.00

00:41:54.000 If you go over it in that direction, you're fucked. 1.00

00:41:59.000 You might really be fucked forever. 1.00

00:42:01.000 So I'm not going to come close to the line. 0.99

00:42:04.000 That's not good.

00:42:05.000 It's not good.

00:42:05.000 You want people finding it.

00:42:07.000 Especially when someone takes that and puts it in quotes and just writes it down.

00:42:11.000 Takes it out of context.

00:42:12.000 Takes it out of context and then writes it down.

00:42:14.000 Yeah, that's the context too.

00:42:15.000 The tone of voice.

00:42:16.000 Oh, sure.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:17.000 And all the things you said before that.

00:42:19.000 Right.

00:42:19.000 Yeah.

00:42:21.000 I hate it.

00:42:22.000 I hate it.

00:42:23.000 But it's a good time.

00:42:24.000 That guy's really funny.

00:42:27.000 Yeah, it's still a good time for stand-up.

00:42:29.000 Yeah, it's a great time for stand-up. 0.99

00:42:31.000 I mean, look, the fucking store sold out every night. 0.96

00:42:33.000 I know, so people are like, it's the end of stand-up. 0.99

00:42:35.000 It's like, what are you talking about?

00:42:36.000 This place, when they're not going to see any specific person, they're just going to see stand-up in general?

00:42:40.000 Those are mobbed.

00:42:41.000 The stand in New York, mobbed.

00:42:43.000 The cellar, mobbed.

00:42:44.000 I get on at 1.30 at the cellar sometimes.

00:42:46.000 1.30 a.m. 1.00

00:42:46.000 on a fucking Wednesday. 1.00

00:42:48.000 And people are like, is anybody there? 0.99

00:42:49.000 I'm like, yeah, it's sold out.

00:42:50.000 There's no room.

00:42:50.000 Dude, I was reading an article when they were talking about Hannah Gadsby and the death of stand-up comedy.

00:42:55.000 I was reading it in my limo on the way to a sold-out arena, and I was laughing.

00:43:00.000 I was like, this is hilarious!

00:43:03.000 I showed it to Hinchcliffe.

00:43:04.000 I was like, look, dude.

00:43:05.000 I go, I guess there's not going to be anybody there.

00:43:07.000 I have a special on Netflix.

00:43:09.000 I guess it's all terrible, huh?

00:43:11.000 I guess there's no comedy anymore. 1.00

00:43:13.000 Shit. 1.00

00:43:13.000 I missed it. 1.00

00:43:15.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:43:16.000 It's a great time for comedy. 1.00

00:43:17.000 Yeah, it's all these people complaining. 1.00

00:43:18.000 All you got to do is shut your fucking phone. 1.00

00:43:19.000 And then nothing of that shit exists. 1.00

00:43:21.000 For the most part. 0.99

00:43:22.000 Here or there, yeah, there's some bad shit about somebody made a joke and unfair level of punishment. 0.90

00:43:27.000 But generally... 0.99

00:43:29.000 It's just like, shut your phone.

00:43:30.000 It's just people being angry.

00:43:31.000 That's what the internet is anyway.

00:43:33.000 It's a really easy way for people to complain.

00:43:37.000 Dude, I loved it.

00:43:38.000 I was waiting for it.

00:43:39.000 Did you see that video I made for So Bombed October?

00:43:42.000 Yes.

00:43:42.000 Okay.

00:43:43.000 So I was waiting for it because I knew it would come.

00:43:45.000 People were like, this is hilarious.

00:43:46.000 I want to play with my friends.

00:43:47.000 Oh, the points aren't the right.

00:43:48.000 We had to do more points for this.

00:43:50.000 I was just waiting for it.

00:43:51.000 And then I finally saw it.

00:43:52.000 It was like, this is very irresponsible.

00:43:54.000 You should be ashamed of yourself.

00:43:55.000 People have real problems.

00:43:56.000 There it is!

00:43:57.000 And now it's just a question of what percentage of people have that reaction and what percentage don't?

00:44:02.000 Yeah.

00:44:03.000 So if there's only one guy, no one's going to listen.

00:44:05.000 If it was 10 guys or if it was one guy that has a big Twitter following, now everybody feels like they should be mad.

00:44:10.000 You ever see one of those anger things where you don't quite get it?

00:44:14.000 Sometimes you're like, I see the other side.

00:44:16.000 I think it's too far, but I see the other side.

00:44:18.000 And then sometimes you're like, I don't even understand why this is even a topic.

00:44:22.000 You ever see those?

00:44:24.000 You know, the e-rages where it's like, really?

00:44:27.000 Some of them you just don't even see.

00:44:29.000 It's a light week.

00:44:32.000 Maybe.

00:44:32.000 Duncan told me that half the anti-Star Wars tweets were Russian bots.

00:44:37.000 I think maybe they're trying to shove shit under the radar. 0.99

00:44:41.000 That's what I've heard. 0.99

00:44:42.000 I like the idea.

00:44:43.000 So you just have people in the crowd, like bots, go, I think this guy was terrible. 0.99

00:44:47.000 Like in a real brawl between two people, two groups, and you could just go into one and be like, he called you a faggot. 0.99

00:44:55.000 And then everybody turns around and gets it going again. 0.99

00:44:57.000 Right, right.

00:44:59.000 These things don't seem real.

00:45:01.000 A lot of them are not real.

00:45:01.000 And the comics would take the wrong side.

00:45:02.000 I'm like, I don't think you really care.

00:45:04.000 If I showed somebody whatever that first one was for that guy, for Shane, that funny comic, if I showed it at the back table itself, like, what do you think of this?

00:45:11.000 To one of those woke comics who said, or people who were like, I think it's too far.

00:45:16.000 If I showed them that video, if they really didn't like it, they would go to this. 0.98

00:45:20.000 They would look at it and they would go, that's dumb. 0.98

00:45:23.000 And that would be the end of it. 0.99

00:45:24.000 Right.

00:45:24.000 That would be it.

00:45:26.000 But they have an opportunity to sort of put that flag up and let everybody know that they're on the team that deserves virtue.

00:45:34.000 You don't think the guy's taking enough abuse? 0.99

00:45:36.000 At some point, you've got to see the damage this internet shit does to people. 0.99

00:45:39.000 And it's like, you're going to pile on. 0.99

00:45:41.000 It's covered.

00:45:43.000 He's been punished hard.

00:45:45.000 I like recognizing who's going to always fold.

00:45:49.000 SNL will fold.

00:45:50.000 Well, comics too.

00:45:52.000 SNL is an organization with a bunch of advertisers and apparently that was the big deal.

00:45:56.000 They had a cave to the advertisers.

00:45:58.000 But my thing is this.

00:45:59.000 Can't the networks just call each other?

00:46:01.000 Netflix and FX and CBS and Hulu and Amazon and all call each other.

00:46:07.000 Just have a meeting, the people who run it, and say, we've got to release a statement.

00:46:11.000 And the statement should go, no matter what somebody said in the past, we feel like starting from here on in, we don't even know what the rage is going to be about.

00:46:19.000 We feel like we shouldn't be responsible to be judges and juries on that.

00:46:22.000 We feel like we've gotten it wrong too many times, and if you guys don't want to watch, that's up to you, but you've got to take it up with the performer, the artist, whatever.

00:46:30.000 And if they all just release that statement together, people just wouldn't go to them.

00:46:34.000 They're never going to do that, though.

00:46:35.000 Why?

00:46:35.000 Then they could just be like, it ain't us, you guys.

00:46:37.000 You've got to take it up to the comic.

00:46:40.000 Advertisers will use it as an opportunity for them to virtue signal and get more people to buy their product.

00:46:45.000 They'll say, we do not support this idea that hate speech is something to be casually dismissed.

00:46:50.000 But they won't because they're saying it's not even about anything in particular.

00:46:53.000 It's about we're not getting involved in this.

00:46:55.000 What somebody did on the other side or what they're going to define it as. 0.98

00:46:58.000 We've been through this with rap in the fucking 80s. 0.95

00:47:01.000 It's just we're not getting involved. 0.99

00:47:03.000 I get it.

00:47:03.000 For a month, we're not touching anything.

00:47:06.000 It just takes all the pressure off you. 0.57

00:47:09.000 You don't think if Amazon and Netflix fucking talked, I'm like, let's just all put it out together. 0.77

00:47:12.000 And then what? 0.94

00:47:13.000 Do you want to be the network that says, no, no, we're going to actually boycott our comics if they actually do say something on a separate platform?

00:47:20.000 Or do you want to be the network going, yep, we also agree.

00:47:23.000 Comics, do whatever you want.

00:47:24.000 You're not here.

00:47:25.000 It's not like you're saying something to somebody in the hallway of SNL. You're saying something separately for the fucking 6,000 followers you have who sign up for that shit. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Right. 1.00

00:47:35.000 They're never going to do it.

00:47:36.000 Why?

00:47:37.000 Because it's too much outrage.

00:47:38.000 But then that takes the heat off you.

00:47:40.000 You don't have to deal with it from now on.

00:47:41.000 It's too dangerous right now, Ari.

00:47:43.000 It'd be perfect.

00:47:44.000 It'd be perfect.

00:47:45.000 That's why you don't run a business.

00:47:46.000 They all should just do it.

00:47:48.000 They're never going to do it.

00:47:50.000 What is that wristband you have on?

00:47:52.000 Oh, music festival.

00:47:54.000 I've got to get tickets for next year.

00:47:56.000 Once I do, I'll cut it off.

00:47:58.000 Really?

00:47:58.000 Yeah.

00:47:59.000 You've got to get tickets for next year, and once you do, you'll cut it off.

00:48:02.000 Does that help you get tickets?

00:48:03.000 Yeah, dude.

00:48:04.000 It's all about the mindset.

00:48:08.000 What is this?

00:48:09.000 I'm not using a knife.

00:48:11.000 I've got to do it. 1.00

00:48:11.000 Cut that fucking thing off. 1.00

00:48:13.000 Dude, I've got to tell you about it. 1.00

00:48:14.000 You're 12 to 50 years old. 1.00

00:48:15.000 What are you doing with this fucking thing on your wrist? 1.00

00:48:17.000 I'm waiting. 1.00

00:48:17.000 It's good luck. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Hey, I went to this nightclub in Germany, in Berlin. 0.96

00:48:23.000 It was fucking so fun, dude. 0.69

00:48:26.000 I've been having fun going around places. 0.98

00:48:28.000 Yeah?

00:48:28.000 Tell me.

00:48:29.000 What was it?

00:48:31.000 Okay. 0.99

00:48:33.000 It's fucking nuts. 1.00

00:48:34.000 They do shit on another level there. 1.00

00:48:36.000 I'm not into EDM and stuff, but it was great. 0.99

00:48:40.000 As soon as you walk in, it's like...

00:48:42.000 Okay, first of all, you can't even get in.

00:48:44.000 Oh, my God.

00:48:46.000 Okay.

00:48:46.000 The first thing you see when you get in is just a bunch of people in leather worn out.

00:48:50.000 It goes from Friday night, midnight, until like Monday at about noon.

00:48:54.000 Whoa.

00:48:54.000 You can just stay in and do hella drugs and just dance for like techno and like house music on different floors.

00:49:00.000 People die in there?

00:49:01.000 They must.

00:49:02.000 They must.

00:49:03.000 They must go too hard and have heart attacks.

00:49:05.000 Yeah.

00:49:05.000 But everyone, yeah, they must.

00:49:07.000 Yeah.

00:49:08.000 But when you're down there, it's on the third level where there's no, and people just coming down.

00:49:12.000 I went in like a day and a half, so it was like Sunday when I went.

00:49:15.000 So people are just like out of it, sweaty, girls with like tutus and like whatever. 1.00

00:49:19.000 There's a coat check place where somebody said, somebody checked their gimp one time.

00:49:26.000 Wow.

00:49:26.000 Did you do the co-check first?

00:49:27.000 Yeah.

00:49:27.000 Like, you're going to stay in it for me.

00:49:29.000 Okay.

00:49:30.000 The very first thing I saw.

00:49:32.000 I go in.

00:49:33.000 It's overwhelming.

00:49:34.000 Me and my promoter were there. 0.95

00:49:35.000 We're like, this is fucking too much. 0.95

00:49:37.000 And we're like, alright, let's get beers. 0.97

00:49:38.000 And I saw...

00:49:39.000 This is so great, dude. 0.99

00:49:42.000 The way to get in is just to wear all black or wear leather or just be with gay people. 0.99

00:49:47.000 Gay people just get in and they make sure it's like a good time for everybody. 0.96

00:49:51.000 And they make you put a sticker over your phone. 0.97

00:49:53.000 No pictures. 0.99

00:49:53.000 They'll throw you the fuck out. 0.99

00:49:55.000 Do whatever drugs you want. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Anyway, as soon as I see that, there's a guy at the end of the bar just getting jerked off as he's ordering. 0.98

00:50:02.000 By a guy or a girl? 0.99

00:50:03.000 By a guy. 0.97

00:50:04.000 Jerked out by a guy.

00:50:05.000 Yeah.

00:50:06.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:50:06.000 And he's fucking ordering the beer out of it on drugs and still trying to get some. 0.98

00:50:12.000 His other hand is just gone inside his asshole. 1.00

00:50:15.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:50:16.000 Yeah.

00:50:16.000 A full, like, because it didn't make sense.

00:50:18.000 Fist?

00:50:19.000 Yeah.

00:50:19.000 I think, I mean, I don't know.

00:50:20.000 Something.

00:50:21.000 It might have been open.

00:50:22.000 It might have been.

00:50:22.000 I don't know what it was doing on the inside.

00:50:23.000 It might have been open or closed.

00:50:25.000 Like a puppet?

00:50:25.000 Yeah.

00:50:27.000 And then it's just debauchery.

00:50:28.000 You just get drugs in the bathroom and dance and dance and dance.

00:50:32.000 Woo! 0.99

00:50:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:50:33.000 You see full blowjobs going on. 0.99

00:50:36.000 Wow. 0.99

00:50:37.000 It's like anything goes. 1.00

00:50:38.000 People are out with their dicks out just fucking jumping and dancing. 0.99

00:50:41.000 If you gave everybody drugs, that's what they would do. 1.00

00:50:43.000 Oh my gosh.

00:50:44.000 Yeah.

00:50:45.000 Good times?

00:50:46.000 It was the best.

00:50:47.000 You just walk around and you go to the bathroom.

00:50:49.000 Somebody eventually was looking for anything.

00:50:53.000 What were you trying to get?

00:50:54.000 Ecstasy, probably.

00:50:55.000 Right.

00:50:55.000 Molly, you know, something like that.

00:50:57.000 Somebody eventually gave me one.

00:50:57.000 I was like, I got enough from, like, Pemboda got two.

00:50:59.000 And he was like, no, no, I'm going home.

00:51:01.000 I'm only staying till, like, three.

00:51:02.000 I got my kids, like, soccer game tomorrow.

00:51:04.000 And I was like, all right, so I'll throw this out then.

00:51:06.000 We'll just throw out the ecstasy. 0.99

00:51:08.000 And he's like, all right, fucking relax. 0.98

00:51:09.000 So he took some, and then we just started dancing, man. 0.98

00:51:12.000 It was so fun.

00:51:14.000 The music is nuts.

00:51:15.000 They got, like, the best DJs in the world, like, go down there and just, like, show off.

00:51:20.000 I don't know, just like do sets.

00:51:21.000 Yeah, it's kind of like the comedy store.

00:51:23.000 Kind of like the comedy store where it's like the best comics in the world doing it for, what, 15 bucks?

00:51:27.000 Wow.

00:51:28.000 Nothing to do with the money they're trying to show off.

00:51:30.000 Wow. 0.97

00:51:32.000 Oh, God, it was so fucking fun. 0.99

00:51:34.000 They just have this like nightclub culture. 0.98

00:51:36.000 They'll even have like rockabilly bars there and then people are dancing in the back. 0.99

00:51:40.000 Do you remember when the early days of the internet, you would get shit porn from Germany? 0.99

00:51:45.000 Uh-huh. 0.99

00:51:45.000 It was always from Germany. 0.99

00:51:46.000 They go, whatever you're into, just go for it.

00:51:48.000 Why Germany?

00:51:49.000 Do you think after World War II, they just went crazy?

00:51:52.000 No, I think not after World War II. I think after the Berlin Wall fell.

00:51:55.000 I think it's all a reaction to that shit. 1.00

00:51:57.000 Really? 0.99

00:51:58.000 Yeah, because they're not really, in Berlin at least, they're not really thinking about the Holocaust anymore.

00:52:01.000 They're thinking about that East-West.

00:52:04.000 That's their most recent massive historical, you know?

00:52:07.000 And that was, what was that, the 80s?

00:52:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:11.000 That was during the Reagan administration, wasn't it?

00:52:14.000 Mr. Gorbachev tied on that wall.

00:52:15.000 Didn't I know, I think I know somebody who had a piece of the wall.

00:52:19.000 I had one.

00:52:20.000 You could buy it at Spencer's and stuff.

00:52:22.000 Yeah, I had one.

00:52:23.000 Spencer Gifts?

00:52:23.000 Uh-huh.

00:52:24.000 They had a piece of the wall?

00:52:25.000 You could also buy a poster of a guy with his, like that. 0.99

00:52:29.000 Oh, his dick root showing? 0.99

00:52:30.000 Yeah, just like a little bit, you know? 0.99

00:52:32.000 Just like, hanging out with my cowboy hat.

00:52:35.000 You know Abercrombie& Fitch?

00:52:37.000 You know that store?

00:52:38.000 Abercrombie& Fonch? 1.00

00:52:39.000 Yeah, you know, you go there, they spray you with some fucking toxic chemicals. 1.00

00:52:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:52:43.000 You know that?

00:52:43.000 As soon as you go in.

00:52:44.000 It's like the whole place is filled with perfume.

00:52:46.000 It's really strange.

00:52:47.000 That used to be a place where you would go and buy, like, legit outdoor gear.

00:52:51.000 Yeah.

00:52:51.000 Like, if you were going fly fishing.

00:52:53.000 See, if you and I were going to go down the fucking river in Montana. 0.99

00:52:56.000 Ibercami and Fitch was? 0.99

00:52:57.000 Yes.

00:52:58.000 That's what it used to be.

00:52:59.000 Wow. 0.99

00:53:00.000 It used to sell, like, kayaks and shit. 0.95

00:53:02.000 Yeah, it was like flannels by the time I was, and now it's... 0.94

00:53:05.000 Now it's just like...

00:53:06.000 DJ gear.

00:53:07.000 But it's all these weird, hermaphrodite-looking people. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Like, everyone is, everyone is like asexual or weirdly thin, just strange, you know, gender-neutral. 0.85

00:53:22.000 Yeah.

00:53:23.000 You know what I mean?

00:53:24.000 The girls, they all look like they're 14. It's the crying game.

00:53:27.000 Yeah.

00:53:28.000 All the crying game.

00:53:29.000 Nobody knows what the crying game is anymore.

00:53:31.000 That was like one of the first transgender things we'd ever experienced. 1.00

00:53:35.000 Yeah.

00:53:36.000 Culturally, the crying game.

00:53:37.000 That sign across the street from the store on the Hyatt.

00:53:39.000 That one's another, like a gender-neutral Asian lady with a slightly less gender-neutral Asian lady. 0.50

00:53:45.000 Where's that?

00:53:46.000 It's on the store, the one with the parking lot faces.

00:53:48.000 It's there right now?

00:53:49.000 There's a sign there right now?

00:53:50.000 What is it?

00:53:51.000 It's just these two models, yeah. 1.00

00:53:54.000 But they look like, what the fuck are you? 0.99

00:53:56.000 What are you, a boy or a girl? 1.00

00:53:57.000 Yeah, but...

00:53:57.000 That's in now.

00:53:58.000 It's in if people can't tell if you're a boy or a girl.

00:54:00.000 Yeah.

00:54:01.000 It's nice.

00:54:02.000 Mysterioso.

00:54:03.000 It's mysterious.

00:54:04.000 But why is that in?

00:54:05.000 Why are people into that?

00:54:06.000 I don't know.

00:54:08.000 They are.

00:54:09.000 But they're into it for advertising, right?

00:54:13.000 But are they into it like, how many people, like what is the market for like people being gender neutral looking?

00:54:20.000 Who's going to like, hey man, you going out tonight?

00:54:22.000 Yeah, and I try to meet somebody.

00:54:24.000 Who are you trying to meet?

00:54:25.000 Someone who I can't tell. 1.00

00:54:25.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:54:26.000 I just don't want to know. 1.00

00:54:28.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

00:54:28.000 I'm doing anal and I don't want to know. 0.99

00:54:31.000 When I pull their pants down, I don't know what the fuck to expect. 1.00

00:54:34.000 Well, are you looking for a boy or a girl? 0.99

00:54:35.000 Who cares?

00:54:36.000 Wow!

00:54:37.000 Butts.

00:54:38.000 Buttholes.

00:54:39.000 Just buttholes. 1.00

00:54:42.000 I don't care if you're gay or straight or trans or what the fuck. 1.00

00:54:48.000 Ever! 1.00

00:54:50.000 Everlast just signed their first ever transgender boxer.

00:54:54.000 It's a trans female to male boxer.

00:54:57.000 And my first thought was...

00:55:01.000 This guy's gonna get lit up.

00:55:02.000 Like, he goes and fights actual men.

00:55:04.000 Oh, it was female to male?

00:55:06.000 Yeah.

00:55:06.000 Well, they're all amateurs, I guess.

00:55:08.000 Maybe.

00:55:09.000 I don't know.

00:55:10.000 Dude, we saw at Skank Fest naked roast battle. 0.97

00:55:12.000 See, this is it.

00:55:13.000 That's a female to male. 0.98

00:55:15.000 Really?

00:55:15.000 Yep.

00:55:16.000 Well, look at the shoulders.

00:55:18.000 That looks like an anti-dick show.

00:55:19.000 A lot of facial hair.

00:55:20.000 You see, they said, like, track teams do mixed-gender races.

00:55:24.000 Yeah, it was a disaster.

00:55:26.000 I tweeted about it.

00:55:27.000 Yeah, it's a disaster.

00:55:28.000 Disaster roids?

00:55:28.000 Yeah, well, the men blew by the women like they were parked.

00:55:32.000 That's how it works, kids. 1.00

00:55:33.000 You want all this transgender shit? 1.00

00:55:35.000 You know transgender athletes? 1.00

00:55:36.000 You know who suffers?

00:55:37.000 Women. 0.81

00:55:38.000 That's who suffers. 0.97

00:55:39.000 It's always women. 1.00

00:55:39.000 When you're trying to make everything diverse, let's diversify and include everyone. 1.00

00:55:45.000 No, you're not including everyone.

00:55:46.000 You're including men to compete as women. 0.88

00:55:48.000 That's what you're doing.

00:55:49.000 Because the women competing as men, like that Everlast boxer, dude, I haven't sparred in forever. 1.00

00:55:53.000 I'll knock that dude the fuck out. 0.99

00:55:55.000 There's just no way. 1.00

00:55:58.000 There's a difference.

00:55:59.000 There's a giant difference.

00:56:00.000 That guy's never going to beat Deontay Wilder.

00:56:03.000 He's never going to beat a real boxer.

00:56:04.000 Remember Andy Kaufman was full-on challenging women wrestlers?

00:56:07.000 That was amazing.

00:56:08.000 And he was going as hard as he could.

00:56:10.000 Amazing.

00:56:11.000 He was going as hard as he could. 0.99

00:56:13.000 There's a lot of women jiu-jitsu people that'll fuck you up, though. 1.00

00:56:16.000 But that's a different animal. 0.99

00:56:17.000 You're not punching things. 1.00

00:56:18.000 I mean, there's a lot of female boxers that'll fuck, like Claressa Shields will fuck you up. 1.00

00:56:22.000 There's a few. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Ann Wolfe, she'll fuck a lot of men up. 1.00

00:56:25.000 But it's not normal. 1.00

00:56:27.000 They're not going to fuck a normal man up who weighs the same weight as them. 0.99

00:56:31.000 They're just not. 0.99

00:56:32.000 It's just not fair.

00:56:33.000 It's not fair.

00:56:34.000 And women suffer. 1.00

00:56:35.000 With this transgender athlete thing, the people that are suffering are biological failures. 1.00

00:56:39.000 Do you think they're going to figure it out or what?

00:56:41.000 Well, the weightlifting committee has already figured it out.

00:56:45.000 Powerlifting committee, they've already banned transgender women. 0.88

00:56:49.000 They banned them all.

00:56:50.000 Yeah.

00:56:52.000 Whatever the organization of powerlifters is. 0.99

00:56:54.000 But they've put the fucking kibosh on it. 1.00

00:56:57.000 Because all these trans women, who are fucking men, are breaking all these world records. 1.00

00:57:01.000 Like, you're a durr. 1.00

00:57:02.000 How weird.

00:57:03.000 They're crushing these records.

00:57:05.000 It's fun, because we want to be like, okay, I want to understand your plight.

00:57:08.000 But at the same time, you guys have got to see it from our point of view.

00:57:11.000 You are setting world records all the time.

00:57:13.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:57:15.000 It's just this weird...

00:57:17.000 You know what it is?

00:57:18.000 It's where the rubber hits the road when it comes to this whole trans-activism thing.

00:57:22.000 This is where it really hits.

00:57:24.000 When gender dysphoria becomes a real issue. 0.96

00:57:27.000 When is that?

00:57:28.000 When physical competition and physical altercations. 0.99

00:57:31.000 If a trans woman beats a shit out of a regular woman in a bar, is it a girl beating up a girl in a bar? 1.00

00:57:38.000 Let's be honest. 1.00

00:57:39.000 It's not.

00:57:39.000 It's a male.

00:57:41.000 It's a biological male beating up a female. 0.56

00:57:44.000 That's what it is.

00:57:45.000 That is what it is.

00:57:47.000 And there was a study recently released about trans athletes and their physical performance after one year of transitioning and how much the males have lost versus how much the females have gained.

00:58:00.000 Female to male gained very little.

00:58:02.000 Male to female lost very little.

00:58:05.000 Really?

00:58:05.000 Yeah, very little.

00:58:06.000 It's like a very small decrease in their overall strength after a year of transitioning.

00:58:12.000 Like small, like below 15%.

00:58:14.000 It's outrageous.

00:58:15.000 It's women. 1.00

00:58:16.000 It's biological women getting fucked over by people who want to be a woman. 1.00

00:58:20.000 That's what it is. 0.99

00:58:21.000 And everyone who wants to be, oh, we're diverse and we're inclusive and we're progressive and we're woke.

00:58:26.000 What if you went from woman to man?

00:58:28.000 Could you then fight against the women? 0.99

00:58:30.000 No.

00:58:30.000 If you went from women to men, you fight against men, and you get concussions.

00:58:33.000 No, but can't you, in this new world, could you fight back in the world?

00:58:36.000 Because if I'm born a woman, now I'm a man, where should I fight?

00:58:41.000 You have to fight men.

00:58:42.000 No.

00:58:43.000 Yes.

00:58:44.000 But I'm saying, in your world.

00:58:45.000 In my world?

00:58:46.000 Yeah, where they can't fight. 0.96

00:58:47.000 Fight trans people. 1.00

00:58:49.000 Fight trans people. 1.00

00:58:50.000 This is the simple solution is compete against other trans people. 0.99

00:58:53.000 And I'm just saying, too, how about we get the races separate as well? 0.99

00:58:56.000 These black guys should fight blacks, and these whites should fight whites. 1.00

00:59:00.000 We need a chance. 0.99

00:59:01.000 We need someone to root for in every fight, and we don't get that.

00:59:04.000 I would definitely watch a white fighting league. 0.79

00:59:06.000 I told Dana White, I was like, if you really want to get people into the Ultimate Fighter, you've got to do an Ultimate Fighter race.

00:59:12.000 And have four teams, Mexicans or any Latinos, blacks, whites, and the Asians. 0.51

00:59:20.000 And then have them fight against each other, have four captains, each of that.

00:59:24.000 It'd be so much fun.

00:59:25.000 All amateurs.

00:59:26.000 It'd be a real issue.

00:59:27.000 It'd be so fun!

00:59:28.000 People would get so angry.

00:59:30.000 But they all sign up for it.

00:59:31.000 Well, it's already weird when they do like Brazil versus the US. Yeah!

00:59:34.000 They've done those before.

00:59:35.000 I know, we went to one, it was great.

00:59:36.000 Right, but it was Brazil, like Brazilians, Brazilians are uniquely diverse.

00:59:40.000 Oh, they did an ultimate fighter like that?

00:59:42.000 Yeah, I believe so.

00:59:43.000 Race, Dana! 0.99

00:59:44.000 Ultimate Fighter Race!

00:59:46.000 I believe they did Ultimate Fighter Brazil versus the U.S. All Brazilian team, all U.S. team.

00:59:51.000 But the thing about...

00:59:52.000 I'm on Team Whites. 0.92

00:59:53.000 I'm on the flex.

00:59:54.000 But you're Jewish. 0.95

00:59:55.000 What are you?

00:59:56.000 Jewish or white.

00:59:57.000 You know that. 0.61

00:59:58.000 Jews are white. 0.97

00:59:59.000 You're Jews. 1.00

01:00:00.000 Whites hate you. 1.00

01:00:02.000 We could just be the guys who wear the suits right outside the ring. 1.00

01:00:05.000 The white supremacists hate the Jews. 0.99

01:00:07.000 That's one of the things they always get mad at. 1.00

01:00:08.000 They really do.

01:00:09.000 When someone goes crazy, they always have...

01:00:10.000 Yeah, Wanderley Silva versus Chael Sonnen.

01:00:13.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:00:15.000 No, I want full race. 0.87

01:00:16.000 This is a good start for sure.

01:00:18.000 But hold on.

01:00:19.000 Hold on.

01:00:19.000 Put that back up, Jamie.

01:00:21.000 Make that so I can read the whole thing.

01:00:23.000 Maybe a little smaller.

01:00:24.000 Make it.

01:00:24.000 Make it so it's at that.

01:00:26.000 Yeah, the coaches...

01:00:28.000 I think he might have coached...

01:00:30.000 Team, yeah, I don't know about that.

01:00:33.000 That's just Vanderlei versus Chael.

01:00:35.000 I don't know if it's specifically Brazilians versus Americans.

01:00:40.000 Maybe I'm wrong.

01:00:41.000 You can do it.

01:00:42.000 All the fighters will sign up for it.

01:00:43.000 They know it's a joke.

01:00:45.000 I think it should be...

01:00:46.000 We're more at odds with each other than ever.

01:00:48.000 Why not capitalize on that? 0.99

01:00:49.000 I think it should be white racists versus angry black guys. 0.99

01:00:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:55.000 That would be fun.

01:00:55.000 Yeah.

01:00:56.000 You could have Cowboy Cerrone.

01:00:58.000 What is he?

01:00:59.000 I don't know.

01:00:59.000 I would assume he's a cowboy.

01:01:01.000 No, no, no.

01:01:03.000 Cowboys, he's got a lot of blood.

01:01:05.000 You could have only like half and half people coaching each side.

01:01:08.000 Okay.

01:01:09.000 Like only, yeah, mixed race? 0.99

01:01:10.000 Only mixed race people, yeah. 0.86

01:01:12.000 Yeah.

01:01:13.000 No.

01:01:14.000 Okay, we're tweaking it.

01:01:15.000 We're tweaking it.

01:01:15.000 As I hear some of these things out loud, I realize, nah, maybe that won't work.

01:01:19.000 You should be coached by your race. 0.99

01:01:21.000 Well, it's weird when you go to other countries, right?

01:01:23.000 Because did you see what happened in Mexico?

01:01:25.000 You can make it friendly, too.

01:01:26.000 You can be like, if the Spaniards win one, you can be like, now you guys, I'm going to show you something about our culture.

01:01:31.000 We're going to all go to this restaurant, and I'm going to show you what horchata tastes like and whatever. 0.97

01:01:36.000 I thought you were going to say go to the bullfights.

01:01:39.000 Sure!

01:01:39.000 Well, that's, yeah.

01:01:40.000 Yeah, if that's part of their culture, pack fights at least.

01:01:42.000 That's a weird, like, bullfights are a largely offensive thing that's still romantically received by a good portion of the world.

01:01:51.000 Like, if you think about what a bullfight is, like a bullfight, the matador, that is not thought of as an offensive thing, but it's hugely offensive what they're doing.

01:01:59.000 I want to go.

01:02:00.000 I went to Barcelona, I looked, but they don't really have it in Barcelona, they have it in Madrid.

01:02:03.000 Oh, you gotta go to Madrid?

01:02:04.000 Yeah, that's what I've heard.

01:02:06.000 But they don't really have it there, because it's inhumane.

01:02:09.000 But I still want to go.

01:02:10.000 I just watched a guy get gored.

01:02:11.000 Really? 1.00

01:02:12.000 Yeah, he got fucking killed. 1.00

01:02:14.000 He got killed by the bull. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Did I take him with the cockfights?

01:02:17.000 I've been to cockfights.

01:02:18.000 Yeah.

01:02:19.000 I had a gardener that used to slip back and forth back from Mexico to the United States.

01:02:24.000 Eventually went back and moved there.

01:02:25.000 This is the border.

01:02:26.000 I was looking at this one day.

01:02:27.000 What border?

01:02:28.000 United States?

01:02:29.000 Yeah, right by Tijuana.

01:02:30.000 There's a ring right on the edge here.

01:02:32.000 That's the walls right here.

01:02:35.000 That's in Tijuana?

01:02:36.000 It's right.

01:02:37.000 I mean, it's basically San Diego.

01:02:38.000 Oh, wow.

01:02:39.000 That's crazy.

01:02:40.000 It might not be active, but it's right there.

01:02:43.000 I bet it's active.

01:02:45.000 Well, let's Google it.

01:02:46.000 I tried looking around one day and...

01:02:48.000 They don't have Google?

01:02:49.000 Well, I mean, I couldn't find, like, an event there. 0.87

01:02:51.000 They have concerts and shit in this thing, so I don't know. 0.83

01:02:53.000 Oh, so maybe they use it as not just a... 0.96

01:02:56.000 But is it just a...

01:02:58.000 They probably would swap me, too.

01:02:59.000 It was a bullring?

01:03:00.000 It seems like it.

01:03:01.000 I mean, take a peek at what it is.

01:03:02.000 You can see.

01:03:03.000 It looks like it, for sure.

01:03:04.000 It's not new.

01:03:05.000 Yeah, it looks exactly like that.

01:03:06.000 I want to go to one.

01:03:08.000 I want to find out when one is in Spain and go to one.

01:03:11.000 It's probably really sad.

01:03:13.000 Joe, where do you want to go if you go anywhere?

01:03:15.000 Anywhere?

01:03:15.000 What's like gnawing at you?

01:03:18.000 Jamie, you too.

01:03:20.000 Do you ever have countries just like pulling at you?

01:03:23.000 I think Africa. 0.85

01:03:24.000 Africa, yeah, me too.

01:03:25.000 I would like to go on safari.

01:03:27.000 Like a legit safari.

01:03:28.000 Out there in a car?

01:03:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:03:30.000 You know, I wanted to go to the Congo, but every time I talk to Justin, he's got some new fucking disease. 1.00

01:03:35.000 He's got some horrible parasite that's eating away at him right now. 0.99

01:03:38.000 That's not great.

01:03:40.000 He's had malaria three times.

01:03:42.000 That guy's a saint.

01:03:43.000 You know who he is?

01:03:44.000 The Fight for the Forgotten guy?

01:03:45.000 He's a Bellator heavyweight.

01:03:47.000 He's over there making wells for the Pygmies. 0.99

01:03:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:50.000 Yeah, we contribute this podcast and through the sponsor called the Cash App.

01:03:55.000 Every time someone signs up, they use the promo code JoeRogan, all one word.

01:03:59.000 They get $10 towards Fight for the Forgotten.

01:04:02.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:04:02.000 Yeah, it's raised a lot of money and built a lot of wells.

01:04:06.000 It's really cool.

01:04:07.000 So they're building.

01:04:07.000 He's going down there all the time to build wells.

01:04:09.000 And last time we came back with some fucking terrible parasite. 0.99

01:04:13.000 And the doctors are trying to figure it out. 1.00

01:04:14.000 It's like some jungle shit. 1.00

01:04:16.000 He's in the Congo. 1.00

01:04:17.000 He's literally in the jungle.

01:04:18.000 You know, catching these weird things.

01:04:20.000 I had this guy Dr. Peter Hotez on.

01:04:22.000 He's a specialist in tropical diseases.

01:04:25.000 He told me literally everyone who lives in a tropical jungle environment has some parasites.

01:04:31.000 Wow.

01:04:31.000 Everyone.

01:04:32.000 Because you shouldn't be there. 1.00

01:04:33.000 You just live with parasites. 1.00

01:04:35.000 You're going to have worms and fucking weird shit. 1.00

01:04:37.000 There's this thing in Laos where you sleep up in trees. 1.00

01:04:39.000 They're called the Gibbon Experience or something.

01:04:41.000 I didn't do it, but I talked to people who did.

01:04:43.000 And then you just hike all the way through the jungle and sleep way, way up in these tree, tree houses. 0.99

01:04:48.000 Monkeys all around you and shit. 0.98

01:04:50.000 And every day you have to take off your shoes and burn off the leeches. 1.00

01:04:54.000 Because they're non-dangerous leeches, but they're all on you.

01:04:56.000 You've got to burn them off?

01:04:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:04:58.000 You have to set a mattress or cigar and fucking touch it and fall off. 0.99

01:05:03.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:05:04.000 But parasites... 0.99

01:05:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:05.000 It's so gross. 0.99

01:05:07.000 Someone died recently. 1.00

01:05:08.000 Some guy was swimming in some lake, I think in Florida, or maybe Texas, got some brain-eating parasite that went into his fucking noggin and just wound up eating his head. 1.00

01:05:21.000 Like, it happens, man. 1.00

01:05:22.000 Dude, I want you to do an episode of Skeptic Tank at my podcast where we just talk about things that'll kill you.

01:05:26.000 Oh, we should. 1.00

01:05:27.000 You've been talking about that shit for 20 years. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Different things that'll kill you. 1.00

01:05:30.000 Well, we talked about doing it.

01:05:30.000 Last time we talked about doing another episode, it would be about that.

01:05:33.000 Yeah, let's do that.

01:05:34.000 I'll be back in November.

01:05:35.000 We'll do that.

01:05:35.000 So, I just got back from elk hunting.

01:05:37.000 Oh, yeah, how was it?

01:05:38.000 It was awesome.

01:05:39.000 My friend John was 20 yards away from a mountain lion.

01:05:43.000 They were both stalking the same elk.

01:05:44.000 Wow.

01:05:45.000 And, you know, he's moving so slow.

01:05:47.000 He's such a great hunter that the mountain lion didn't know he was there.

01:05:50.000 So he's creeping up on this elk and he looks over and 20 yards is 60 feet.

01:05:55.000 Can you shoot the mountain lion?

01:05:56.000 No, you have to have a tag, which means you have to have...

01:05:59.000 It's a limited draw hunt.

01:06:01.000 If you want to hunt for mountain lions, it takes like 13 years to get a tag.

01:06:05.000 It's very difficult in the state of Utah.

01:06:07.000 So he's creeping up on this bull and he realizes like... 0.98

01:06:13.000 Big ass mountain lion. 0.66

01:06:14.000 It was like 20 yards away from him. 0.92

01:06:16.000 So he jumped up in there and screamed. 0.99

01:06:18.000 The mountain lion fucking took off. 0.99

01:06:20.000 What did the elk do? 1.00

01:06:21.000 Also took off.

01:06:22.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:06:23.000 Everybody scattered. 1.00

01:06:24.000 Yeah.

01:06:24.000 He was trying to figure out what to do.

01:06:26.000 Yeah, what should...

01:06:26.000 Well, you have to be careful because if you get too close, it might decide...

01:06:30.000 I'll attack you.

01:06:31.000 These animals, if you're inside the area where they don't think they can get away, they'll turn to fight. 1.00

01:06:36.000 And that's when you're fucked. 1.00

01:06:37.000 Most of the time they're just going to run away to fight another day. 1.00

01:06:41.000 Especially mountain lions, they operate on stealth.

01:06:43.000 Their whole idea is sneaking up on people and things.

01:06:46.000 Dude, I was in...

01:06:47.000 So what I do is sometimes I go from car from city to city sometimes.

01:06:50.000 I'll do an add-on show on a Wednesday or a Sunday.

01:06:53.000 Sure.

01:06:53.000 And I'll get a car and I'll drive.

01:06:54.000 I like driving around the country.

01:06:56.000 So I was doing it in Tampa, driving across.

01:06:58.000 Maybe I visit my parents first.

01:07:00.000 But anytime I see a swath of green, I'll just pull over and hike.

01:07:03.000 Yeah.

01:07:03.000 Really?

01:07:04.000 Yeah, sure.

01:07:05.000 In Tampa?

01:07:06.000 Well, anywhere.

01:07:07.000 But in between Miami and Tampa is just a big swath of green.

01:07:12.000 So I started hiking, but they have this big fence around everything.

01:07:15.000 And I open it up and start hiking, and they talk about, like, sabers or whatever.

01:07:19.000 Panthers.

01:07:20.000 Panthers.

01:07:21.000 Yeah.

01:07:21.000 They go, like, those panther attacks are rare.

01:07:23.000 We strongly advise you not to be out alone.

01:07:27.000 Panther attacks do happen.

01:07:28.000 And then I was just like, ah, I don't need to hike that bad today.

01:07:32.000 It's a mountain lion.

01:07:33.000 It's the same animal.

01:07:34.000 Yeah.

01:07:34.000 It's, like, a slightly different gene pool, but it's the same animal.

01:07:37.000 I don't know when they're sneaking up on you.

01:07:38.000 I don't know any of the tricks.

01:07:40.000 I have no part of that.

01:07:41.000 Yeah.

01:07:43.000 Well, you'd be... 1.00

01:07:44.000 You'd definitely be fucked. 1.00

01:07:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:47.000 But there's other things that can kill you in Florida. 0.89

01:07:48.000 Florida's filled with stuff that can kill you. 1.00

01:07:50.000 Snakes and shit. 1.00

01:07:51.000 Oh. 1.00

01:07:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:52.000 I like the fucking traveling, though. 0.99

01:07:54.000 I like getting out of my car just randomly in some, like... 0.99

01:07:57.000 Nobody's out in a weekday.

01:07:58.000 Right.

01:07:58.000 Nobody's out.

01:07:59.000 Just seeing what's up.

01:08:00.000 Yeah.

01:08:00.000 What if you found a meth lab back in the woods?

01:08:02.000 What is this?

01:08:03.000 This is four years old.

01:08:04.000 No human has been attacked by a Florida panther in state history, wildlife officials say.

01:08:08.000 Oh, then I definitely should have done it.

01:08:10.000 Is that true?

01:08:12.000 Well, the fact is where this is from.

01:08:14.000 That seems interesting.

01:08:16.000 Yeah.

01:08:17.000 That guy might have just been saying it because he loves panthers.

01:08:19.000 Maybe.

01:08:20.000 Leave him alone.

01:08:21.000 Leave him alone. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Get out there, pussy. 1.00

01:08:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:25.000 People get attacked by mountain lions, though, and it's basically the same animal.

01:08:27.000 But I think the Florida panther is a really small population.

01:08:32.000 I think there's a very small population of them. 0.90

01:08:34.000 I get so scared when I'm walking alone in the woods, and I'm like shaking my keys, and a squirrel makes me fucking, my heart beats so fast whenever I hear anything. 0.78

01:08:42.000 Once you carry a gun, then you feel empowered. 0.64

01:08:44.000 Yes. 1.00

01:08:45.000 Walk through the woods with a fucking assault rifle, a laser sight. 1.00

01:08:49.000 You start cracking off rounds. 1.00

01:08:52.000 Just shooting the air.

01:08:53.000 Anything that comes near you, tack, tack, tack, tack, tack.

01:08:55.000 Oh, yeah, an attack. 1.00

01:08:56.000 Oh, fuck out of here. 1.00

01:08:56.000 I got that squirrel. 1.00

01:08:57.000 This is America, and I'm a fucking man. 1.00

01:09:00.000 She's coming at me. 1.00

01:09:01.000 I'm a human being with a gun! 1.00

01:09:06.000 Yeah, the woods will make you realize what a bitch you are, man. 1.00

01:09:08.000 Yeah, I'm frightened of everything. 1.00

01:09:10.000 And no one's going to hear your screams, and then you start thinking, like, how am I going to get out of here if a snake does bite me?

01:09:14.000 Like a rattlesnake, like, how far do I have to hike by myself out?

01:09:18.000 Yeah, some endurance athlete, some famous endurance athlete, just got bit by a rattlesnake.

01:09:22.000 He was in the middle of some, like, long trek. 0.99

01:09:25.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:09:26.000 That's that singer. 1.00

01:09:27.000 Mike Posner.

01:09:28.000 Mike Posner.

01:09:29.000 He got bit, too.

01:09:30.000 Oh, and another guy, too?

01:09:31.000 Yeah, Mike Posner, he got bit.

01:09:33.000 He's back on his walk.

01:09:34.000 What was he doing?

01:09:34.000 He's walking across the country and, like, across Colorado.

01:09:38.000 Maybe that was the story.

01:09:39.000 But I feel like someone else got bit, too.

01:09:41.000 Someone else got bit.

01:09:42.000 And then they had to get somewhere?

01:09:43.000 I feel like I got this.

01:09:44.000 He had to get, like, medevaced out in hospitals for a couple weeks or something.

01:09:48.000 No, that's Richie Builds.

01:09:49.000 That's a guy who...

01:09:51.000 He sure looks like Ian.

01:09:52.000 It does.

01:09:53.000 It's a very interesting guy.

01:09:54.000 He has a YouTube channel, and he bought a Tesla that was junked, and then bought another Tesla with the parts that it needed, like two junked Teslas, and pieced it together and made his own Tesla for a significant discount.

01:10:11.000 That's cool.

01:10:11.000 Yeah, it's really cool.

01:10:12.000 But Tesla people don't like him because they don't like the fact that he's doing that. 0.97

01:10:16.000 And so he can't get his shit fixed at a regular Tesla dealership. 0.99

01:10:19.000 Because they blackballed him? 0.99

01:10:20.000 Basically, yeah.

01:10:21.000 So he opened up a place called the Electrified Garage.

01:10:23.000 So he's got his own Tesla unauthorized repair center. 1.00

01:10:28.000 I love that gorilla shit. 0.99

01:10:29.000 Well, he's great at it, too, because he's just a real techie, nerdy, sort of very informed guy. 1.00

01:10:38.000 And a car guy, too. 0.90

01:10:40.000 So he's just like, well, this doesn't make any fucking sense.

01:10:43.000 Like, how can I do this? 0.92

01:10:44.000 And so, like, okay.

01:10:45.000 He bought one that had been overrun with water. 0.91

01:10:49.000 So all the electrical system was all fucked up, but the body was good.

01:10:52.000 And he got another one that was in a car accident, but the electrical system was good.

01:10:56.000 So he took that and put it in there, and pieced it all together, and now he has a working Tesla. 0.98

01:11:01.000 So fucking handy. 0.94

01:11:02.000 Yeah, very clever fellow. 0.99

01:11:03.000 He also was one of the first guys I ever met that had one of those.

01:11:05.000 Just made one of these.

01:11:06.000 It's called a rat rod. 1.00

01:11:07.000 Oh, this is his new shit? 1.00

01:11:08.000 He made that? 1.00

01:11:09.000 Yeah, okay, so he got a fully electrified old school hot rod.

01:11:14.000 Ford Model A. Wow.

01:11:16.000 Uh-huh.

01:11:18.000 He's a smart dude, man.

01:11:19.000 Motorcycle engine in it.

01:11:20.000 Smart dude.

01:11:21.000 I love those guys that find their passion.

01:11:24.000 Yeah.

01:11:25.000 Just really likes doing that.

01:11:26.000 Yeah.

01:11:27.000 And figure out a way to make money out of it.

01:11:29.000 Yeah, but he's also just an interesting guy.

01:11:31.000 The thing about his YouTube videos is his perspective on things is just interesting. 0.97

01:11:36.000 He's like, okay, how do I fix this fucking thing? 0.98

01:11:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:11:39.000 Let's figure it out.

01:11:40.000 But the way to figure it out was he had to buy another one that was junk, but then he had to get a key because Tesla won't give you a key for one of their cars.

01:11:47.000 If you have a broken Ford, you go, hey, I fixed this Mustang, but I need a key for it.

01:11:53.000 Can you guys make me a key?

01:11:54.000 Ford dealership will make you a key.

01:11:56.000 Right.

01:11:56.000 They go, yeah, yeah, we'll replace the cylinder.

01:11:58.000 Yeah, because who cares what you do with it?

01:12:00.000 Yeah, we want what we want.

01:12:01.000 Ford is different, right?

01:12:02.000 If you have a Mustang and you have like a 1965 Mustang that you rebuilt yourself, they'd be like, oh, great!

01:12:07.000 That's cool.

01:12:08.000 Yeah.

01:12:09.000 Tesla's like, what are you doing?

01:12:09.000 This is unauthorized.

01:12:11.000 Get away. 0.73

01:12:11.000 Yeah. 0.73

01:12:11.000 This is going to explode. 0.73

01:12:12.000 You don't know how to work with batteries. 1.00

01:12:14.000 Fucking bullshit. 1.00

01:12:14.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:12:15.000 That's like my rabbi friend.

01:12:16.000 Just give it to me.

01:12:17.000 Just give me the information.

01:12:18.000 I'll do what I want with it. 1.00

01:12:19.000 Just give me the key, you fuck. 1.00

01:12:20.000 Yeah, so he had to have it hacked so that he could get the updates too? 1.00

01:12:23.000 Because Tesla updates their software.

01:12:24.000 They won't do updates for you?

01:12:26.000 They're blocking them?

01:12:27.000 So he had to get a hacker to hack into a system so that he could get the updates.

01:12:31.000 Tesla should impeach this guy. 1.00

01:12:33.000 They should get rid of him.

01:12:37.000 Yeah, they want everybody following their rules.

01:12:41.000 Or if you're a Jew in Chicago this November.

01:12:43.000 Chicago and San Jose.

01:12:44.000 What are you doing?

01:12:45.000 You're doing comedy?

01:12:46.000 I'm doing stand-up comedy.

01:12:47.000 I'm doing a great new hour of stand-up comedy.

01:12:49.000 And are you filming soon?

01:12:51.000 Filming soon.

01:12:52.000 Filming soon.

01:12:53.000 Trying to figure it out.

01:12:53.000 Figure out where.

01:12:54.000 You've had this special, pretty locked down.

01:12:57.000 Pretty locked down.

01:12:58.000 I did have an orthodox friend come to see it, to point out things that were wrong factually.

01:13:05.000 And he got like one and a half.

01:13:07.000 So I'm like, alright, so I gotta change that.

01:13:08.000 That was like the last effort to make sure everything was super accurate.

01:13:12.000 No, just somewhere where something's headed. 0.99

01:13:14.000 A lot of these shit, I was like... 0.99

01:13:16.000 Dude, I had like a three-minute chunk that was murdering about Noah's 40 children. 1.00

01:13:21.000 Yeah?

01:13:22.000 And then I went back to my yeshiva in Jerusalem, to my seminary, and I was learning that stuff.

01:13:27.000 And it was like, he had, uh-uh, he had like, did not have 40 children.

01:13:31.000 It was like two sons and a daughter. 1.00

01:13:33.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:13:33.000 So I had to like scrap a, honestly, four and a half minute murder chunk about Noah's wife's pussy. 1.00

01:13:40.000 Shit! 1.00

01:13:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:41.000 But whatever.

01:13:42.000 That's all part of it.

01:13:43.000 But hold that for something else.

01:13:44.000 Yeah, right, right.

01:13:45.000 I'm going to actually look up, are there any other Jewish historical figures that have had 40 children?

01:13:49.000 Or it doesn't even have to be Jewish historical figures.

01:13:51.000 Anybody that had 40 kids.

01:13:52.000 You can make a little sidetrack to someone else. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Some other asshole that had 40 kids. 1.00

01:13:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:55.000 Maybe Little Miss Muffet's out of the, what's the, the shoe? 1.00

01:13:58.000 The shoe lady? 0.99

01:13:59.000 She said Kurds and whey. 0.88

01:14:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

01:14:01.000 What's that shoe?

01:14:02.000 The Brothers Grimm shoe one.

01:14:08.000 I listened to a Dice album recently.

01:14:13.000 It's so over the top. 0.99

01:14:15.000 It's crazy how fucking bravado-y it is. 0.99

01:14:18.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:14:18.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:14:19.000 He's like, hey, look at you, sweetheart.

01:14:20.000 It's just like, oh, my God.

01:14:23.000 On an album.

01:14:24.000 When albums, like, mattered.

01:14:25.000 Like a record.

01:14:26.000 Well, you've heard When the Laughter Died, right?

01:14:29.000 Yeah.

01:14:29.000 That's the greatest album anybody's ever put out.

01:14:31.000 A lot of people say that.

01:14:32.000 Because it's terrible.

01:14:33.000 It's just like, this is what stand-up really is.

01:14:35.000 No, no, no, no.

01:14:36.000 He had no material. 0.95

01:14:38.000 He decided to make an album with zero material, just pop in at Dangerfields in New York City, record it with Rick Rubin, and have no fucking idea what he was going to talk about. 0.51

01:14:49.000 He had no material either? 0.94

01:14:51.000 No!

01:14:51.000 Wow.

01:14:52.000 And this was when he was selling out on Reels.

01:14:54.000 What a great follow-up to one of the biggest albums of all time.

01:14:57.000 Dude, Dice is a unique cat.

01:14:59.000 He doesn't get enough credit for being as unique as he is.

01:15:02.000 He's a unique guy.

01:15:03.000 Like, just that alone.

01:15:04.000 Like, people talk about ego and this and that. 0.99

01:15:06.000 Do you know how healthy your ego has to be to release a two-CD fucking release? 0.99

01:15:12.000 Two CDs. 1.00

01:15:13.000 It was two.

01:15:13.000 You couldn't fit it all on one.

01:15:15.000 Yeah.

01:15:15.000 Day of the Laughter Dive was a two-CD thing.

01:15:17.000 Wow. 1.00

01:15:18.000 Of eating shit. 1.00

01:15:19.000 People were walking. 1.00

01:15:20.000 I remember this guy yelled at him, you're about as funny as a glass of milk!

01:15:27.000 It was so bad.

01:15:29.000 Everybody's funny.

01:15:29.000 It's a glass of milk.

01:15:30.000 That's a great thing about Santa.

01:15:31.000 We got to reevaluate every single time.

01:15:34.000 Yeah.

01:15:34.000 Oh my gosh.

01:15:35.000 Oh my gosh. 1.00

01:15:36.000 But he didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:15:37.000 He didn't care at all. 1.00

01:15:38.000 He didn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:15:38.000 He used to do this thing at the store just to entertain the door guys who were friendly with him. 0.99

01:15:42.000 He would do this thing where he could see how long he'd go without saying anything of note.

01:15:47.000 We'd be in the back dying.

01:15:49.000 First, he would walk over to the mic and tap it with the cigarettes and then put it down.

01:15:54.000 Test, test.

01:15:55.000 Not saying anything real, right?

01:15:58.000 Eventually, he would start.

01:15:59.000 Turn it up.

01:16:00.000 Eventually, he would go... 0.99

01:16:02.000 So I was at the thing, you know, with the guy comes over and he fucking talks. 0.98

01:16:07.000 You know how it is. 0.97

01:16:08.000 And then it's like, you gotta decide, you know.

01:16:11.000 And he's just saying nothing real. 0.99

01:16:12.000 And we're dying in the back as he's just milking a fucking naan. 0.99

01:16:16.000 And then, you know, the weather's out, so of course there's that. 0.99

01:16:19.000 And then you gotta think about everything.

01:16:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:16:22.000 Right, sir?

01:16:24.000 And then finally goes into a bit.

01:16:27.000 Yeah, he would just try to piss them off sometimes.

01:16:29.000 It was great.

01:16:30.000 I would have loved to have talked to him when he was releasing that CD, The Day the Laughter Died.

01:16:35.000 Like, what is he thinking?

01:16:36.000 What's on your mind here?

01:16:37.000 Yeah.

01:16:38.000 Why'd you decide to do this?

01:16:39.000 Yeah.

01:16:40.000 Because it was clear he wasn't trying to kill.

01:16:43.000 No, he was trying to experiment. 0.99

01:16:44.000 He didn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:16:45.000 I think he was really trying to show what a pop-in set is really like. 0.99

01:16:48.000 I don't think so.

01:16:49.000 Really?

01:16:49.000 I don't think so.

01:16:50.000 No, because a lot of times pop-in sets, you're trying to get laughs.

01:16:53.000 He was trying to get laughs, though.

01:16:55.000 Sort of.

01:16:55.000 He just wasn't using his best ammunition.

01:16:57.000 He wasn't using any.

01:16:58.000 It's like playing Duke Nukem, but only using knife.

01:17:01.000 No, no, no. 0.96

01:17:01.000 It's like playing Duke Nukem and punching people. 0.96

01:17:03.000 Yeah, right, right, right, right. 0.99

01:17:05.000 But still trying to punch them to death. 1.00

01:17:07.000 Left and right. 1.00

01:17:08.000 Still trying.

01:17:09.000 But not knowing how to punch.

01:17:10.000 I gotta listen to the album again.

01:17:12.000 Dude, he had no material. 0.99

01:17:13.000 He was just fucking around. 0.99

01:17:15.000 Like, it seemed like everything he was saying he was inventing on the spot. 0.99

01:17:18.000 I need to ask him if that's the case.

01:17:19.000 I'm pretty sure it is.

01:17:20.000 Because it seemed like it was all invented on the spot.

01:17:23.000 I got a record player, finally, and I started getting some comedy albums randomly.

01:17:27.000 I walk around, and I'll just look.

01:17:29.000 Sometimes they're a dollar.

01:17:30.000 Bill Cosby's are fire sale!

01:17:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:33.000 Nobody else will buy them, and they're amazing.

01:17:34.000 Yeah, you can see estate sales of Cosby stuff where people just got rid of him.

01:17:37.000 Dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar.

01:17:39.000 Would you have him on your podcast?

01:17:40.000 Bill Cosby?

01:17:41.000 Yeah.

01:17:42.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:17:42.000 If he gets out of the pokey?

01:17:44.000 I'd want to know what it was like in prison, and I'd want to talk to him about an outstanding news story.

01:17:49.000 Oh yeah, that story?

01:17:50.000 Yeah, I mean for sure.

01:17:52.000 I want to hear from people like that.

01:17:54.000 Do you think you would talk about it?

01:17:55.000 I don't know.

01:17:56.000 You'd have to ask him ahead of time.

01:17:57.000 You don't want to trap him or anything.

01:17:58.000 But like, my biggest regret, the one get I wanted to get for Skeptic Tank from my podcast is Fred Phelps.

01:18:05.000 And he died before I get him.

01:18:07.000 I really wanted to just ask him, the guy who ran the Westboro Baptist Church, I wanted to ask him in a legit way, like, what are you looking for?

01:18:13.000 Do you think these methods will get there?

01:18:15.000 Not make fun of them, not argue with them, just like, what are you into?

01:18:18.000 Well, did you ever see Louis Theroux's documentary on him?

01:18:21.000 No.

01:18:22.000 It's amazing.

01:18:22.000 Really?

01:18:23.000 Really good, yeah.

01:18:24.000 I was just...

01:18:27.000 Just talking to Louie about some new thing he's got coming out now, and it made me sort of revisit it.

01:18:32.000 Megan Phelps, who was his granddaughter.

01:18:34.000 She's a little crazier. 1.00

01:18:35.000 No, no, no. 0.96

01:18:36.000 What?

01:18:36.000 She was on the podcast.

01:18:38.000 Oh, she's the one that got out?

01:18:39.000 She's the one that got out.

01:18:40.000 Oh, not the other daughter that runs it. 1.00

01:18:41.000 No, no, no, no.

01:18:42.000 Megan is remarkably kind and nice.

01:18:46.000 She got out knowing, because of the internet, knowing people online and meeting them, and they sort of pointed out the hypocrisy and all the contradictions and all the different things.

01:18:56.000 Oh, wow.

01:18:56.000 And then she realized, like, oh my god, I'm in a cult.

01:18:58.000 Yeah.

01:18:59.000 Yeah, I'm in a Christian-based cult. 1.00

01:19:01.000 Yeah.

01:19:02.000 A lot of people also don't understand what your upbringing gives you.

01:19:05.000 You need to cut that thing off the list, please.

01:19:06.000 It's driving me crazy.

01:19:08.000 That's half of why I do it. 1.00

01:19:09.000 50-year-old man with a fucking... 0.99

01:19:11.000 Dude, I took July off of all my internet and everything. 1.00

01:19:13.000 Yeah?

01:19:14.000 I just took it off.

01:19:15.000 And then I got so bored that I shaved bald into my head.

01:19:17.000 I saw that.

01:19:17.000 Yeah.

01:19:18.000 I was just so bored.

01:19:19.000 It's a good look.

01:19:20.000 Thanks.

01:19:20.000 But I did it for the same reason I leave this on.

01:19:22.000 My girlfriend hates it.

01:19:23.000 So I was trying to shave my head with the back of, you know, the back of a beard, of a trimmer?

01:19:29.000 Yeah.

01:19:29.000 So the back is just for their sideburns.

01:19:31.000 Right.

01:19:31.000 But I was trying to shave all my head.

01:19:33.000 And after like 40 minutes, I was back to like there. 1.00

01:19:35.000 And I was like, fuck this. 0.98

01:19:36.000 I'll go buy a real, like, you know, a real beard trimmer the next day. 0.99

01:19:41.000 And I saw my girlfriend.

01:19:42.000 She was like, hey, what?

01:19:43.000 No.

01:19:44.000 Come on.

01:19:44.000 No.

01:19:45.000 No.

01:19:45.000 And I was like, no, I'm gonna, oh, no, I'm not keeping it now.

01:19:49.000 I kept it for a month and a half.

01:19:50.000 I only taped it because somebody died in the comedy scene, and I didn't want to be at his funeral like that.

01:19:55.000 Oh, right.

01:19:55.000 But it was great, dude.

01:19:56.000 I bronzed it.

01:19:57.000 It was so much fun.

01:19:59.000 Once I got it tanned, you couldn't really tell.

01:20:01.000 You tanned the stripe?

01:20:03.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 Oh, interesting.

01:20:04.000 Yeah, so it was just full, like, just a bald cut.

01:20:06.000 Oh, nice.

01:20:07.000 Bronze.

01:20:08.000 It was a lot of fun.

01:20:09.000 How come bronzing's okay, but blackface isn't? 0.99

01:20:12.000 You're acting like a tanner person?

01:20:14.000 Yeah.

01:20:16.000 What?

01:20:16.000 You're acting like you're Brazilian.

01:20:18.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:20:19.000 Yeah.

01:20:19.000 It shouldn't be allowed.

01:20:20.000 You're acting like you're from Ecuador or something.

01:20:21.000 Like you're a jungle person. 1.00

01:20:23.000 I have a new theory about cultural appropriation.

01:20:25.000 Want to hear it?

01:20:25.000 Yes.

01:20:25.000 Okay, so you don't have to respect every person's culture.

01:20:28.000 Right.

01:20:28.000 You have to.

01:20:29.000 You have to.

01:20:29.000 Okay?

01:20:29.000 And if a part of their culture is wrong, like I say about the Chinese pushing on Subway, I had a bit like two specials ago about Chinese people.

01:20:37.000 If they try to get on an elevator before you get off, that's always a Chinese person. 1.00

01:20:40.000 That's almost always a Chinese person.

01:20:42.000 Not Asian. 1.00

01:20:43.000 Chinese.

01:20:45.000 But that part of their culture you don't have to respect, right?

01:20:47.000 No.

01:20:48.000 You don't have to respect everything.

01:20:49.000 So fine.

01:20:50.000 White culture is appropriating other cultures. 0.99

01:20:54.000 That's what we do best.

01:20:56.000 That's what Elvis did.

01:20:57.000 That's what we crush it at.

01:20:59.000 Mexican food, hot dogs, it's all appropriating other people's cultures. 1.00

01:21:02.000 That's what we do.

01:21:03.000 So you have to respect that in our culture, which is taking on your culture. 0.99

01:21:08.000 Ah.

01:21:08.000 I like it.

01:21:10.000 Yes.

01:21:10.000 I like it.

01:21:11.000 Because this whole country is a melting pot.

01:21:12.000 It's a melting pot.

01:21:13.000 That's part of this country.

01:21:15.000 It's a fondue place.

01:21:16.000 That's right.

01:21:16.000 You've got to allow us to fondue your culture.

01:21:18.000 You can still use your culture.

01:21:20.000 Right.

01:21:21.000 But we also can use it.

01:21:22.000 Why can't you respect America's culture?

01:21:24.000 Exactly.

01:21:25.000 Our culture is stealing.

01:21:26.000 Let's be respected.

01:21:27.000 Exactly.

01:21:28.000 Now you get it.

01:21:29.000 And that's why I'm running for president in 2024. You can't handle me yet.

01:21:33.000 Is Ben Glebe going to be your vice president?

01:21:34.000 Ben Glebe will be my vice president.

01:21:37.000 He'll be my minister of affairs.

01:21:39.000 Nice.

01:21:41.000 Do you think Trump is getting impeached?

01:21:43.000 Is he getting impeached?

01:21:44.000 Jamie, you paying attention to this?

01:21:45.000 I don't know.

01:21:45.000 Have you ever seen one where you're just like, I don't even know what you guys are talking about anymore.

01:21:48.000 I don't trust the media worth shit. 0.97

01:21:50.000 Anytime they say something, I'm like, I don't know, maybe, boy, you cried wolf. 0.99

01:21:54.000 Every single thing, you're like, guys, you've just riled me up for nothing over and over again.

01:21:59.000 I don't know what any of the truth is.

01:22:00.000 All these people are like, what about this person who said this?

01:22:02.000 I'm like, I never even heard of that guy.

01:22:04.000 What about the Steele dossier? 0.99

01:22:05.000 Yeah, what the fuck is that? 0.99

01:22:07.000 What about Ukraine? 0.99

01:22:10.000 I don't know.

01:22:11.000 What about Joe Biden?

01:22:12.000 What about when he did it?

01:22:13.000 What about this tweet? 1.00

01:22:13.000 Yeah, there's some fucking shitty tweets. 1.00

01:22:15.000 We already got that. 1.00

01:22:16.000 It's already on the books.

01:22:17.000 No one's fighting that anymore.

01:22:18.000 We need to stop it.

01:22:19.000 Stop everything.

01:22:20.000 Cancel everyone.

01:22:22.000 Oh. 1.00

01:22:23.000 Shut up, all you. 1.00

01:22:24.000 Just shut up. 1.00

01:22:25.000 You seem quite mad. 1.00

01:22:26.000 I get so angry about it. 0.99

01:22:27.000 It's such a fucking annoying place now, the internet. 0.98

01:22:29.000 Make sure you get the right cigar out of that ashtray because a lot of those are Mike Tyson weed. 0.99

01:22:33.000 Oh, really?

01:22:33.000 Those fat boys right there, that's a Mike Tyson weed joint.

01:22:36.000 Damn. 1.00

01:22:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:38.000 I smoked one of those a long time ago.

01:22:39.000 Dude, I had two hits yesterday doing the Sturgill Simpson podcast.

01:22:43.000 I didn't know what I was talking about half the time.

01:22:46.000 Sturgill's cool.

01:22:47.000 Oh, he's great.

01:22:48.000 Got to see him at the Troubadour.

01:22:50.000 That's a good place.

01:22:51.000 That was my line of like, what is a good rock club, a big-sized rock club in LA? Yeah, apparently it seats like 500 people, but it doesn't really, because you're all standing.

01:23:00.000 Yeah, you got to be up on the top level, too.

01:23:02.000 You can be there.

01:23:02.000 I love that place.

01:23:03.000 I saw this band called Fuck Once. 0.95

01:23:05.000 They were great, and it was their farewell show. 0.96

01:23:08.000 They gave up?

01:23:09.000 They were done. 0.59

01:23:09.000 Yeah, but I'm like, that sucks so bad. 0.59

01:23:10.000 They were really good.

01:23:12.000 Really?

01:23:12.000 Yeah.

01:23:13.000 I bought an album.

01:23:14.000 I bought a CD. Why'd they quit?

01:23:15.000 I couldn't get anywhere.

01:23:16.000 You know how it is?

01:23:17.000 Just like stand-up. 1.00

01:23:19.000 Well, you have a name called Fuck. 1.00

01:23:20.000 Yeah, I mean, you went for it. 1.00

01:23:21.000 There were mellow music, too.

01:23:23.000 Really?

01:23:23.000 Yeah.

01:23:24.000 Oh, Fuck music. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Were they music to fuck, too? 1.00

01:23:25.000 Oh, maybe. 1.00

01:23:26.000 Maybe.

01:23:27.000 I doubt it's even on there.

01:23:28.000 It could be, but they're done. 1.00

01:23:30.000 Do you like to fuck to music? 1.00

01:23:31.000 That seems annoying. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Yeah, I don't. 0.99

01:23:33.000 If it's still on, it's like, I fuck to music, but not, you know the idea, the quagmire-y idea of putting something on to fuck to? 0.99

01:23:40.000 Yeah, like Shade. 0.99

01:23:41.000 I don't get that.

01:23:42.000 Smooth operator.

01:23:44.000 I want utter silence.

01:23:45.000 Really?

01:23:46.000 I want to be able to hear the sheets move.

01:23:47.000 I like jackhammers.

01:23:51.000 I just set a pace.

01:23:53.000 And that gives you a pace to go on.

01:23:54.000 Kind of like a treble with one of those things for a piano.

01:23:57.000 What are those things called?

01:23:58.000 Metronome?

01:23:59.000 Metronome, yeah.

01:24:00.000 That's your metronome?

01:24:03.000 Yeah, jackhammers, explosions, machine guns going off, people screaming.

01:24:09.000 That's what I like. 0.99

01:24:13.000 No, I mean, if you're going to listen to music while you're fucking... 0.98

01:24:17.000 I used to do it when I was young, I think, though. 0.98

01:24:19.000 I think that was like a thing.

01:24:20.000 You'd put on candles, play some music, and get your...

01:24:22.000 What'd you lose your virginity to? 0.98

01:24:24.000 What?

01:24:24.000 Yeah, what song?

01:24:26.000 Or what music?

01:24:27.000 I don't think it was a song.

01:24:28.000 I think mine was Mazzy Star.

01:24:30.000 Mazzy Star?

01:24:31.000 What happened to her?

01:24:33.000 I don't know.

01:24:34.000 There's certain people like...

01:24:35.000 They were great.

01:24:36.000 Tracy Chapman.

01:24:37.000 What ever happened to Tracy Chapman? 1.00

01:24:39.000 I know, she got in a car that was going too fast, and...

01:24:42.000 Boom! 0.99

01:24:43.000 My professional stand-up comedian!

01:24:46.000 Was it fast enough for them to fly away?

01:24:48.000 They had to make a decision.

01:24:50.000 Meet tonight or live and die this way.

01:24:54.000 And they were riding.

01:24:55.000 Riding in their car.

01:24:57.000 Speed so fast it felt I was drunk.

01:25:00.000 Dude, you gotta go to Egypt.

01:25:01.000 Yeah?

01:25:01.000 You would really like it.

01:25:02.000 I do want to do that.

01:25:03.000 You would like it.

01:25:04.000 How dangerous is it over there?

01:25:06.000 Not very at all, but there's a sense of danger for sure, especially in those touristy parts.

01:25:11.000 The problem is, like, we talked about one of those touristy cities in Italy, where it's like it's too much.

01:25:16.000 You know what I mean?

01:25:17.000 Once tourism has taken over town too much, it's like no longer at the field.

01:25:21.000 Venice, okay.

01:25:22.000 Yeah.

01:25:22.000 And you, like, want to be there, but really what you want to be is there 25 years ago.

01:25:26.000 Well, Venice, apparently they changed the laws and allowed these gigantic cruise ships to pull into Venice.

01:25:31.000 But while we were there, a cruise ship hit a dock, and apparently there had been two accidents in the last month, and they're trying to reevaluate.

01:25:40.000 But they're addicted to the money of all these tourists.

01:25:42.000 Dude, you ain't seen nothing like it, man.

01:25:44.000 When we were there, it's kind of calm, and then all of a sudden a cruise ship pulls up, and then 20 minutes later it's like...

01:25:52.000 Just a vomit of people.

01:25:54.000 Just ruining the place.

01:25:56.000 Ruining any vibe of the place. 0.98

01:25:57.000 We were on one of those gondolas, and there was like a fucking traffic jam of gondolas behind us. 0.96

01:26:02.000 I'm like, this is not what we were, this is not what anybody signed up for. 0.97

01:26:05.000 Is that one hitting?

01:26:06.000 Yeah.

01:26:07.000 Oh my god, is this in Venice?

01:26:08.000 Oh my gosh, and they're all like starting to walk slowly, and now they're walking a lot faster.

01:26:12.000 Oh my god, that guy's kind of in the middle!

01:26:13.000 Get out of there, guy!

01:26:14.000 Get out of there, no! 0.97

01:26:15.000 Stay on the boat!

01:26:16.000 Oh my god.

01:26:17.000 So what happens if they just can't back up quick enough? 1.00

01:26:19.000 And all these old people on a fucking ship are trying to do their- Oh, look at that thing slamming into the fucking dock. 1.00

01:26:23.000 They're going to crush that boat. 1.00

01:26:25.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:26:27.000 It's just nailing that other boat.

01:26:29.000 Oh, my gosh. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Is this just a moron who doesn't know how to drive, or is there some sort of tactical breaking error? 1.00

01:26:34.000 Yeah, too much vermouth. 1.00

01:26:35.000 You got a little bit crazy with the Chianti! 1.00

01:26:38.000 Hey! 0.99

01:26:39.000 And move out of the way. 1.00

01:26:40.000 Already I want a glass of red wine.

01:26:42.000 Right?

01:26:42.000 Why don't you just say that?

01:26:44.000 No, you can't.

01:26:44.000 You want it.

01:26:45.000 That would be really great right now.

01:26:47.000 Yes.

01:26:47.000 A glass of red wine.

01:26:49.000 Nice glass of red wine.

01:26:51.000 Have you been to Italy?

01:26:52.000 No, I was on the border.

01:26:54.000 The Austrian-Italy border.

01:26:56.000 We hiked on the border for like six or eight days.

01:26:58.000 I've gone to Italy the last four summers in a row.

01:27:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:27:02.000 It's fucking great, man. 0.95

01:27:03.000 Oh, so what I was going to tell you is the other places you kind of go, which is like away, you know, which has more Italian feel, is like the problem with Egypt is all those places, the stuff you want to see is in the touristy spots. 0.97

01:27:15.000 Right.

01:27:15.000 Because people are going to the pyramids.

01:27:16.000 Sort of like the Coliseum.

01:27:17.000 Like if you go to the Coliseum, it's just surrounded by people.

01:27:20.000 Yeah.

01:27:20.000 But if you go early enough to the pyramids, you're pretty good.

01:27:23.000 A couple of hawkers will bother you, but really you're good.

01:27:25.000 Yeah.

01:27:26.000 I read this blog telling me how to do it right.

01:27:28.000 Like be in there first thing and you just have your run of the place.

01:27:31.000 I think I'm going to get self-tanner so I fit in.

01:27:33.000 Smart.

01:27:34.000 Smart and appropriate.

01:27:35.000 Yeah.

01:27:36.000 You can wear a turban.

01:27:37.000 How come you can do that?

01:27:38.000 How come you can go full tan?

01:27:41.000 But at a certain point in time, you get to a point where you're doing blackface. 0.54

01:27:44.000 Yeah, you're doing blackface. 1.00

01:27:45.000 We talked about that when me and Brendan Schaub had a bit.

01:27:48.000 We were talking about that.

01:27:49.000 What's the line?

01:27:50.000 What's the color wheel?

01:27:51.000 With bodybuilders.

01:27:52.000 Bodybuilders, they do self-tanner, but then they leave their face out now. 0.59

01:27:56.000 They leave their face out of the self-tanner?

01:27:57.000 Yeah.

01:27:57.000 That looks strange.

01:27:58.000 It looks like a Photoshop. 0.99

01:27:59.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:28:00.000 So their face is white and their body is black? 1.00

01:28:03.000 That's a photoshop then.

01:28:05.000 But they're scared! 0.53

01:28:05.000 They can't have black face! 0.53

01:28:07.000 But they can't have black body? 0.99

01:28:08.000 But you used to have, they have chocolate body. 0.97

01:28:10.000 They have chocolate body, but they can't have chocolate face. 0.99

01:28:14.000 I always thought that black face was the thing when you're doing like soft shoe and like you have it like around. 0.99

01:28:19.000 Like Sarah Silverman did.

01:28:20.000 Yeah, but like you're making fun of the black face. 0.64

01:28:22.000 Yes.

01:28:23.000 But, like, blackface wasn't when you were little and somebody would go full costume of something.

01:28:28.000 Like, if they were going as the Hulk, they would go green everywhere. 0.83

01:28:31.000 Right.

01:28:31.000 You can do that.

01:28:32.000 And some people would just go green nose.

01:28:33.000 Like, why didn't you commit?

01:28:34.000 Right.

01:28:35.000 And then if you're doing a Mr. T, you go full on T. Yeah.

01:28:38.000 And people would be like, wow, you went for it.

01:28:40.000 But back then, that wasn't offensive.

01:28:42.000 It wasn't.

01:28:42.000 That was, like, not blackface.

01:28:44.000 That was just black makeup.

01:28:45.000 Right.

01:28:45.000 What happened?

01:28:46.000 I think once dummies find the line, they don't really know how to put it into play.

01:28:50.000 It's not like a Dr. Cornel West who's saying something interesting. 1.00

01:28:53.000 It's just some idiot on Twitter. 0.99

01:28:54.000 And they go, well, I think that's like the thing that they said. 1.00

01:28:57.000 And then everyone gets mad at you.

01:28:59.000 They were going after white girls who were wearing hoop earrings. 1.00

01:29:01.000 Yeah.

01:29:02.000 They were saying that white girls were wearing hoop earrings. 0.57

01:29:04.000 Hoop earrings are black and Latina, which is hilarious because, no, they're not! 1.00

01:29:09.000 They were actually invented in Sumer. 0.99

01:29:11.000 The oldest known hoop earrings were in Mesopotamia, you fucks. 0.98

01:29:16.000 I saw this article in the Banh Mi. 0.98

01:29:18.000 They made it in somebody's dining hall of a college, and this guy got really mad because he's Vietnamese.

01:29:22.000 And he's like, that's not how you even make it!

01:29:23.000 You do it in a baguette with this!

01:29:25.000 And somebody's like, yeah, a baguette!

01:29:26.000 You think that's Vietnamese? 0.99

01:29:28.000 The baguette?

01:29:28.000 Ah!

01:29:29.000 You got it from fucking France 70 years ago, you idiot. 1.00

01:29:32.000 When they were there. 1.00

01:29:33.000 Yeah, I mean, Italians stole spaghetti. 0.99

01:29:36.000 Yeah, it's like, whatever! 1.00

01:29:36.000 I enjoy your shit! 1.00

01:29:38.000 I'm gonna use it! 1.00

01:29:39.000 Yeah.

01:29:40.000 That's what I'm saying, bro. 0.99

01:29:41.000 It's fucking good food, good music. 0.99

01:29:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:44.000 That's one of the good things about America, right?

01:29:45.000 We steal.

01:29:46.000 Somebody on The Daily Show was making fun of me.

01:29:47.000 I had this thing at Edinburgh.

01:29:48.000 I was in Edinburgh.

01:29:50.000 And I saw at a charity shop, thrift store, this beautiful Asian-designed, Chinese-designed velvet shirt, button-down shirt with this beautiful inlay and stuff.

01:30:00.000 And I was wearing it, and she was like, wow, that might be kind of cultural appropriation.

01:30:04.000 I'm like, why?

01:30:05.000 It's just pretty.

01:30:06.000 And I thought it was pretty and good-looking.

01:30:08.000 And she goes, it's about intent.

01:30:09.000 I'm like, yeah, so my intent was I think it's good looking.

01:30:11.000 So why are you still talking about it?

01:30:12.000 It's like, well, maybe.

01:30:13.000 And right as we were talking, four or five Chinese people walked by, like Chinese tourists.

01:30:18.000 And they stopped like, oh, hey.

01:30:20.000 And they pointed like, yeah, yeah, we like it.

01:30:23.000 And it was like, yeah, see?

01:30:24.000 They're fine. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Yeah, stupid. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:30:28.000 Everybody shut up. 1.00

01:30:29.000 Well, you know, they asked Japanese people about... 0.73

01:30:32.000 What was her name?

01:30:33.000 Who was it that dressed up like a geisha? 1.00

01:30:36.000 Was it Katy Perry?

01:30:38.000 She got in trouble for dressing up like a geisha. 0.75

01:30:40.000 And people were mad.

01:30:41.000 The Chinese people were very, or the Japanese people were very happy.

01:30:44.000 Because people show the respect for our culture and they enjoy our culture.

01:30:48.000 If people dressed up like Jews, like Hasidic Jews, I really put myself in the place. 1.00

01:30:52.000 I'm like, I think that would be hilarious and fun for me.

01:30:55.000 Sure. 0.99

01:30:55.000 I don't think, and I don't think Hasidic Jews would give a fuck one way or the other. 0.99

01:30:59.000 Right. 0.99

01:31:00.000 They might accidentally talk to you now.

01:31:02.000 Well, what if you're doing an activity that requires you to dress in a traditional garb? 0.98

01:31:06.000 Like in Thailand, when you have those fucking elephant pants on, every tourist backpacker dude has. 0.96

01:31:10.000 Right, yeah. 0.99

01:31:11.000 Yeah.

01:31:11.000 Those are, so you can ride elephants.

01:31:13.000 Yeah.

01:31:14.000 Myanmar, they make you put on this, like, makeup stuff to stop you from getting burned.

01:31:18.000 Oh, like it's a sunscreen makeup?

01:31:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:22.000 You're allowed to do that?

01:31:23.000 But, I mean, it helps you.

01:31:24.000 You need it. 1.00

01:31:24.000 You're out in the fucking bush. 1.00

01:31:25.000 What about cultural appropriation? 1.00

01:31:26.000 Isn't that more important than sunscreen?

01:31:27.000 They don't care.

01:31:27.000 They think it's funny.

01:31:28.000 No, I guess it's not more important.

01:31:30.000 Sun cancer?

01:31:31.000 They're not really concerned with that.

01:31:33.000 All these things, by the way, these funny words like that, cultural appropriation and, you know...

01:31:39.000 Dead naming.

01:31:40.000 Those are like San Francisco's exports to the world.

01:31:43.000 Is it all from San Francisco?

01:31:44.000 Yeah, they invent all those things and export it.

01:31:46.000 But those are all things that only exist and get people angry in an opulent society.

01:31:51.000 When you can afford to be angry about tiny things like that.

01:31:56.000 It's a sign of like, we're all doing great.

01:31:58.000 Meanwhile, that city is the most overrun city in the country when it comes to drug abuse and when it comes to homeless folks.

01:32:08.000 Yeah.

01:32:08.000 No, like in the streets.

01:32:10.000 Yeah.

01:32:11.000 You're shooting up in front of people's houses.

01:32:13.000 That's abuse. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Dude, I see those people in New York that bent over, tweakers, bent over, look like a fucking human question mark. 0.99

01:32:20.000 And I know they look awful, but I know they're having a blast. 0.99

01:32:23.000 You think so?

01:32:24.000 Oh, for sure.

01:32:25.000 It just looks wrong. 0.99

01:32:26.000 They're fucking loving it. 0.99

01:32:27.000 They're in another place, dude. 1.00

01:32:29.000 What if while they're in that other place, they just shit their pants? 0.99

01:32:32.000 When they come back, it's going to be bad. 0.99

01:32:35.000 But they're having a great time.

01:32:37.000 They're not in pain.

01:32:39.000 Where do you think all this social justice outrage goes?

01:32:43.000 Do you think it dies off? 0.60

01:32:45.000 People realize how ridiculous it is and it becomes like bell-bottom jeans? 0.87

01:32:48.000 Dude, I think it's all caused by the internet, by these echo chambers you live in. 0.96

01:32:51.000 Yeah.

01:32:52.000 And these algorithms that want you being angry.

01:32:55.000 Yes.

01:32:55.000 I think it's making everybody angry about...

01:32:58.000 It's the same fervor as the blue dress, gold dress.

01:33:01.000 It's on one of these things now.

01:33:02.000 And it's the same fervor as like, this was too dirty before.

01:33:05.000 It's like, well, this is too race-related.

01:33:06.000 This is too misogynist, whatever.

01:33:08.000 It's just like people turn on each other on a level of like, why?

01:33:12.000 You guys would sit next to each other at a ballgame and have a good time. 0.67

01:33:17.000 Everybody's pretty fucking nice to each other. 0.94

01:33:19.000 Most people. 0.99

01:33:19.000 Most people are like, get that fucking N-word out of my way. 0.99

01:33:22.000 I mean, you just never see those people anymore. 0.99

01:33:24.000 Right.

01:33:24.000 So it's like, are we just looking for someone to attack?

01:33:27.000 So in the Bible, in the Torah, there's this medrash, there's this like fable of, so God to choose, this is what they taught us in Yeshiva, to choose the Jews, it's unfair to have us as the chosen people, right? 0.70

01:33:39.000 It's unfair to the other cultures. 1.00

01:33:41.000 So there's this fable that says, God tried every other culture, let them live their entire existence, and then they died out, they killed each other off, never got to the Messiah age. 0.87

01:33:51.000 And then died out.

01:33:52.000 So one time he picked the Christians. 0.93

01:33:53.000 One time he picked the Chinese. 1.00

01:33:54.000 One time he picked the fucking Norwegians. 1.00

01:33:56.000 One time he picked the Germans. 1.00

01:33:58.000 As his, like, this is my race.

01:34:00.000 Right?

01:34:00.000 And every time, it didn't work out.

01:34:02.000 And one time, in one of these things, and that's why he said maybe that's what the dinosaurs are.

01:34:06.000 He gave them the world for a while.

01:34:08.000 And then it didn't work.

01:34:09.000 But...

01:34:10.000 Yeah, it's like, you guys are kind of reaching.

01:34:12.000 You can just say whatever, but they're trying to explain it away because they got no explanation for dinosaurs.

01:34:17.000 But anyway, what they said, it used to be where crops just grew and animals were just abundant and no one had to toil.

01:34:24.000 And so the mankind would toil and then didn't have to.

01:34:28.000 Everything just grew, right?

01:34:30.000 So, they would think that maybe this would be easier and it would be nicer.

01:34:34.000 There's this guy who has this theory on like, since computers are going to come up, we're not going to need like 40 hours of work week anymore, probably 20. And his theory, I forget his name, is that with those other 20 hours, we'll read more and we'll do crazy things.

01:34:46.000 But I don't think it is because in this fable of Judaism, when man didn't have to toil, they just went to war. 0.86

01:34:52.000 They just start murdering each other because you need conflict.

01:34:56.000 So in great times that we're in right now where everybody's doing well, an iPhone costs a lot of money and almost nobody doesn't have one.

01:35:04.000 We're doing great.

01:35:05.000 We're in an opulent society.

01:35:07.000 Racism is down to super low levels, but you need someone to attack.

01:35:10.000 So even when you're in a bubble of LA or New York and almost everybody's 95% on your side, you're like, I need to attack somebody because everything's too easy.

01:35:18.000 So it's a sign of how great we are.

01:35:20.000 I think that's accurate.

01:35:21.000 I think that's definitely what's going on.

01:35:24.000 There's not real problems, like real war, real hard crime and violence in the streets.

01:35:31.000 And so we're looking for things to be upset at. 0.99

01:35:33.000 I also think there's a lot of people that have access to their phone, whether at work or And I think they're bored as fuck. 0.99

01:35:38.000 And it riles you up. 0.99

01:35:40.000 And there's a lot of wasted time. 0.97

01:35:41.000 If you're an employer and you're paying someone to do stuff by the hour, I guarantee you most of their time is spent listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos, and talking shit on Twitter. 0.96

01:35:52.000 Getting what's making you angry. 0.98

01:35:53.000 Getting angry, yeah.

01:35:54.000 It's all those things used to be so good.

01:35:56.000 Dude, that July, I was off computer completely.

01:36:00.000 Didn't do anything.

01:36:00.000 Had a house phone, no texting, no nothing.

01:36:03.000 Didn't look at a computer.

01:36:05.000 How'd you feel?

01:36:06.000 It felt, I mean, obviously it was like harder.

01:36:08.000 I had to write down all my flights and stuff ahead of time.

01:36:11.000 So you can take care of it, you know?

01:36:13.000 I felt really free. 1.00

01:36:15.000 Bored as shit. 0.99

01:36:16.000 You know, I would do that shaving my head because I was just bored a weekend. 0.99

01:36:19.000 But like, really free of it all and just kind of like smiley and happy.

01:36:24.000 I just wasn't seeing the negativity.

01:36:26.000 It wasn't like...

01:36:26.000 Right.

01:36:27.000 Coming in, but now I'm using it and I feel it coming back.

01:36:30.000 Why don't you just avoid reading comments?

01:36:32.000 I mean, it is possible.

01:36:34.000 It's tough in the bored moments of life where I'm sitting on the toilet or whatever.

01:36:39.000 Like the ideally bored moments.

01:36:41.000 Don't you just read things?

01:36:41.000 Can't you just read stuff?

01:36:43.000 That's right there and I have five minutes to fill.

01:36:45.000 You just start checking out social media?

01:36:47.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:36:48.000 See, I don't.

01:36:49.000 I look at Google Newsfeeds.

01:36:50.000 I just start reading articles.

01:36:52.000 Those too.

01:36:52.000 That's most of what I do with my phone.

01:36:54.000 Read articles.

01:36:55.000 Read articles and watch videos.

01:36:57.000 And the videos that I'm watching, they're almost always videos on science or space.

01:37:01.000 Well, there's that too, where I'm looking at ESPN.com or something like that.

01:37:04.000 But it just feels like wasted time.

01:37:06.000 Sometimes it's wasted time.

01:37:07.000 Sometimes it is.

01:37:08.000 Sometimes it's not. 1.00

01:37:08.000 When you're taking a shit. 1.00

01:37:09.000 But I've also decided to take shits without my phone sometimes and then I sit there and I'm thinking. 1.00

01:37:14.000 And you think. 0.99

01:37:14.000 So the sauna, you go to the sauna or the steam room and it's just like boom, boom, boom. 0.99

01:37:18.000 And then you realize like why am I not entering into that more where my brain is going boom, boom, boom.

01:37:23.000 That's why the tank is amazing.

01:37:24.000 You need to use the tank.

01:37:26.000 Use the sensory deprivation tank.

01:37:27.000 You can't bring anything in there. 1.00

01:37:28.000 You're fucking floating in water. 0.99

01:37:30.000 There's nothing in there, will you? 1.00

01:37:31.000 You're telling me I could...

01:37:32.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:37:33.000 And you're just thinking.

01:37:33.000 And it just explodes.

01:37:35.000 So that's what I was getting a lot more of.

01:37:36.000 Yeah.

01:37:36.000 And I started getting bored.

01:37:37.000 I started looking at my act a lot more and writing everything out.

01:37:40.000 Like, how many personal bits do I have in here?

01:37:42.000 How many, like, historical bits?

01:37:44.000 And how many everything?

01:37:44.000 And really looking at it because you're bored.

01:37:46.000 You just pour yourself into it.

01:37:47.000 Right.

01:37:47.000 Instead of this wasted hours...

01:37:49.000 Yeah, well I see people doing that and I'll go to people's feed and see them constantly arguing with people.

01:37:55.000 I don't engage in that anymore.

01:37:56.000 Yeah.

01:37:56.000 I don't engage in any of it.

01:37:58.000 Zero.

01:37:59.000 I do zero arguing with people on Twitter.

01:38:01.000 Zero arguing with people on Instagram. 0.97

01:38:02.000 I post things and I get the fuck out of there. 0.67

01:38:04.000 What is this program that lets you like shut off after an hour? 0.99

01:38:07.000 I love that.

01:38:08.000 It's like a thing that you use for your kids.

01:38:10.000 But you could use it for yourself, too.

01:38:12.000 It's screen time.

01:38:12.000 And someone else will put it on.

01:38:13.000 It's built into your phone.

01:38:14.000 And so you can't snooze it out.

01:38:15.000 You're like, done.

01:38:16.000 No, it's done.

01:38:17.000 That's great.

01:38:17.000 Yeah.

01:38:18.000 That's great.

01:38:18.000 Because even when you're not using it by the hour, you're like, I don't want to, I might need it later.

01:38:21.000 But you can still get text messages and you can still make phone calls.

01:38:24.000 Text and phone.

01:38:24.000 I can try that.

01:38:24.000 That's all you need.

01:38:25.000 That's what you need.

01:38:26.000 And you have access to your camera if you need to take a picture or something.

01:38:28.000 And quick things for social media if you've got to put stuff up and then get right out.

01:38:31.000 Yes.

01:38:31.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 But just don't read it.

01:38:35.000 It's so hard, though.

01:38:36.000 That's so weird.

01:38:37.000 I know.

01:38:37.000 It's just pull.

01:38:39.000 It's such a weird pull, right?

01:38:40.000 Yeah.

01:38:41.000 And then you want to read these.

01:38:42.000 Even these anti-comedy or pro-comedy stuff, it's like, it gets me riled up.

01:38:46.000 I want to get in there and read it.

01:38:47.000 And you realize it's almost nobody in real life talking about it.

01:38:50.000 So you're getting riled up over nothing.

01:38:51.000 Yeah.

01:38:51.000 But it is funny to read Vox articles.

01:38:54.000 Yeah, it is funny how ridiculously wrong they get stand-up.

01:38:57.000 And you're like, that's not even the way it works!

01:38:59.000 Yeah.

01:39:00.000 Yeah.

01:39:01.000 I was listening to this video where they were criticizing a right-wing comedian.

01:39:06.000 They were talking about it. 1.00

01:39:09.000 Him saying, yeah, fucking gay. 1.00

01:39:12.000 Gay's funny, right? 1.00

01:39:13.000 Black people, black people. 1.00

01:39:14.000 That's fucking funny seeing black people. 1.00

01:39:16.000 No one says that. 1.00

01:39:17.000 No one says that.

01:39:18.000 Caricatures of conservative people and of other people that have different perspectives.

01:39:23.000 All you're doing is making people not like you and pushing people in the other way.

01:39:27.000 You're not...

01:39:28.000 And you're not really making a point. 0.95

01:39:29.000 You're just saying how ridiculous something is. 0.94

01:39:30.000 It's that old joke that I never liked when it's like all you do is say something in like a lame way and that's your proof of it being lame. 0.96

01:39:37.000 Yeah.

01:39:37.000 You know?

01:39:37.000 It's like meh.

01:39:39.000 It's like no that's not.

01:39:40.000 You didn't prove it.

01:39:40.000 You just did a different voice on that.

01:39:42.000 You're just weak.

01:39:43.000 You just have a weird tired way of expressing yourself. 0.95

01:39:46.000 Yeah.

01:39:46.000 It's fake.

01:39:47.000 So we're going to do another podcast any minute now.

01:39:50.000 I think they're here.

01:39:50.000 We're going to shut this one down?

01:39:51.000 We're going to shut this down, Ari Shafir, but we want to let everybody know. 1.00

01:39:54.000 Guys, I'm going to be in, because I have some dates?

01:39:55.000 Yeah.

01:39:55.000 I'm going to be in Chicago in November and San Jose.

01:39:57.000 I'm going to be in Nashville in October and all through Texas this week, San Antonio, whatever, doing Ari Shafir Jew. 0.83

01:40:02.000 And just tweet Ari.

01:40:04.000 He'll get back to you.

01:40:05.000 He reads all the comments.

01:40:08.000 AriTheGreat.com.

01:40:09.000 AriTheGreat.com.

01:40:09.000 My podcast is Skeptic Tank.

01:40:10.000 I have a double special on Netflix.

01:40:12.000 Say that so people can understand.

01:40:13.000 That's a great idea.

01:40:14.000 The podcast is The Skeptic Tank.

01:40:16.000 Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank podcast.

01:40:18.000 He's the least listenable guy when it comes...

01:40:21.000 He's a professional orator that stumbles his words together faster than anybody.

01:40:26.000 It's fun.

01:40:27.000 Every week is a different topic we cover.

01:40:29.000 It's a great podcast.

01:40:30.000 You really have an excellent podcast.

01:40:31.000 I love it.

01:40:32.000 I listen all the time.

01:40:34.000 There's a ton of great episodes, and I know the State of the Union one with Dave Smith is always excellent.

01:40:38.000 It just came out.

01:40:39.000 First video podcast.

01:40:40.000 We did it at Gas Digital.

01:40:41.000 We recorded it.

01:40:42.000 Ah, beautiful.

01:40:43.000 You should be putting videos on.

01:40:44.000 Yeah, I might do a studio I can just turn on.

01:40:46.000 Yeah, why not, man?

01:40:47.000 It's easy.

01:40:47.000 Give this producer later.

01:40:48.000 It's easy.

01:40:50.000 Beautiful! 0.99

01:40:51.000 Alright, we're going to be back with the official Sober October podcast with other fucking losers who are going to tell us that we cheated already by smoking cigars. 0.98

01:40:59.000 Come see me in Chicago in November. 0.98

01:41:00.000 Tickets at AriShaffir.com.

01:41:03.000 Or AriTheGreat.com.

01:41:04.000 Yeah.

01:41:05.000 Tell us we're cheating. 0.98

01:41:06.000 Fucking fine. 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 01, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir

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