The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1360 - Nikki Glaser

00:00:04.000 That's it.

00:00:05.000 We're moving.

00:00:06.000 We're doing it.

00:00:07.000 We're in motion.

00:00:08.000 Nikki Glaser, a.k.a.

00:00:09.000 Marshall's new best friend.

00:00:10.000 Oh, that's so nice to hear.

00:00:13.000 Yeah, you're definitely his new best friend.

00:00:14.000 Really?

00:00:14.000 For sure.

00:00:15.000 Didn't you see?

00:00:16.000 But I feel like he likes everyone.

00:00:17.000 He does like everyone.

00:00:18.000 Okay.

00:00:18.000 But he likes you.

00:00:19.000 Right now.

00:00:20.000 For sure he likes you.

00:00:21.000 Yes.

00:00:21.000 He jumped all over you.

00:00:22.000 It was so awesome.

00:00:22.000 I love him.

00:00:23.000 I needed it so bad.

00:00:25.000 He is a rare dog.

00:00:26.000 He is.

00:00:27.000 It's weird, right?

00:00:28.000 Instantly.

00:00:29.000 I told you when he came in, I hadn't even seen you yet, and he just saw me, and it's like our eyes met across the room, and he just bounded towards me.

00:00:38.000 It felt so good.

00:00:40.000 He runs to you like you're his best friend.

00:00:41.000 Yeah, like he's like, I'm seeing you again, yes!

00:00:43.000 And forever.

00:00:44.000 Like I just got back from war, and he's my child.

00:00:48.000 Licking my face, just so excited.

00:00:50.000 Ugh.

00:00:50.000 Yeah, he starts whimpering.

00:00:51.000 It was so good.

00:00:52.000 I can't believe you're here.

00:00:54.000 And he lets you just hug him.

00:00:55.000 Yeah, I've never had a golden before.

00:00:57.000 Golden Retriever.

00:00:58.000 They're like the nicest dogs of all time.

00:01:00.000 I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that are abused and damaged.

00:01:06.000 You can get lucky with them.

00:01:07.000 Yes.

00:01:07.000 You can get lucky.

00:01:08.000 And it feels so good when you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year.

00:01:14.000 That was my daughter.

00:01:15.000 My oldest daughter had this little tiny dog.

00:01:17.000 It was part chihuahua and part Australian herd dog, shepherd dog.

00:01:23.000 I forget what it is.

00:01:24.000 But it was very much like a chihuahua, a very small dog.

00:01:28.000 And he was terrified of me for like a year.

00:01:30.000 Wouldn't let me come anywhere near him.

00:01:31.000 I'm like, come on, dude.

00:01:32.000 I'm telling you, I love dogs.

00:01:34.000 And it really wasn't until we got Marshall, and then he saw me with a little tiny puppy.

00:01:37.000 He's like, oh, this dude is all right.

00:01:39.000 And then he wanted to play with Marshall, so he got close to me, and then I pet his head, and then next thing you know, he's hopping in my lap.

00:01:45.000 And then, you know, after that, he would just run to me and literally jump in my arms.

00:01:50.000 Yeah.

00:01:50.000 And that's super rewarding to see that change and see when a dog finally accepts love and has just been abused.

00:01:57.000 It's...

00:01:58.000 It's beautiful.

00:01:59.000 It's sad, though.

00:02:00.000 When you're like, what happened to you?

00:02:01.000 Like, why are you scared of men?

00:02:02.000 I would kill to know what happened to my rescue dogs that I gave to my parents.

00:02:06.000 But I had them for two years.

00:02:08.000 I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescue dogs.

00:02:11.000 And one was one of the best ones I ever had.

00:02:14.000 A friend of a friend found it eating out of garbage cans and she was covered in mange.

00:02:18.000 Like half her body was like hairless.

00:02:21.000 It was really sad.

00:02:23.000 Yeah.

00:02:23.000 But she was a really sweet dog.

00:02:25.000 It was tough to tell how old she was.

00:02:27.000 She looked like she was like two or three.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, they don't know.

00:02:29.000 And I took her in and like within like a month, she had all her hair back.

00:02:33.000 She was fully plumped up.

00:02:35.000 Yeah.

00:02:36.000 And that was the nicest dog.

00:02:38.000 She was one of the nicest dogs I've ever had.

00:02:40.000 Yeah.

00:02:41.000 My dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood, and I was just like, I'm getting rid of this thing.

00:02:46.000 This isn't going to last.

00:02:47.000 I was just fostering it.

00:02:49.000 And then it switched.

00:02:51.000 At some point, it loved me, and I learned how to love through that dog.

00:02:55.000 Why did it bite you?

00:02:56.000 I just like went in too soon and it just was abused before.

00:03:00.000 It came with this whole backstory of like, the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a pizza hut and it was living off pizza and a kid tried.

00:03:09.000 They had this whole story.

00:03:10.000 I think a lot of rescue places make up stories.

00:03:13.000 For sure.

00:03:14.000 For sure.

00:03:15.000 More inclined to buy, to get these things, because they come with this story.

00:03:18.000 Because I checked later on to be like, which Pizza Hut was it?

00:03:22.000 Because I wanted to bring Luigi, my dog, back to the Pizza Hut it came from, just to see if it remembered.

00:03:26.000 What if it gets PTSD? I kind of wanted it to.

00:03:29.000 I wanted it to see.

00:03:31.000 And she goes, I think that was just a story we made.

00:03:34.000 And I was like, oh, come on.

00:03:36.000 How can they make up stories?

00:03:38.000 That's so dirty.

00:03:39.000 Because it moves dogs, man.

00:03:41.000 Yeah, they gotta move dogs. 1.00

00:03:41.000 Whatever they can do to move those dogs. 1.00

00:03:44.000 Give him names.

00:03:45.000 Give him a story.

00:03:46.000 He slept on a pizza crust as a pillow.

00:03:50.000 You know, like just any kind of thing that makes them...

00:03:54.000 Did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs?

00:03:57.000 That's what I've heard.

00:03:58.000 Anytime I post anything about PETA, I have a bunch of people saying they're the worst.

00:04:02.000 Well, they're not the worst, but what they are is the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization.

00:04:09.000 The origins of PETA, the people that originally founded PETA, believe that all animals, including pets, should be free.

00:04:16.000 They don't believe in domesticated animals.

00:04:18.000 Okay, well, that's...

00:04:20.000 It's preposterous.

00:04:21.000 Look at that dog out there.

00:04:22.000 He's having a great old time.

00:04:23.000 Being a pet is the best.

00:04:25.000 I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever.

00:04:29.000 I've said that.

00:04:30.000 I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as.

00:04:34.000 It's the best life.

00:04:35.000 The best life.

00:04:37.000 That dog is only known love.

00:04:39.000 What stress happens in that dog's life?

00:04:42.000 Occasionally he can't go out.

00:04:45.000 Yes.

00:04:46.000 Like if I'm injured or something like that and he can't run for like weeks at a time, he gets bummed out.

00:04:52.000 But PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that you're more free to be dead than you are.

00:04:59.000 I don't know.

00:05:00.000 I don't want to put words in their mouth.

00:05:01.000 I think that's it. 0.94

00:05:02.000 They definitely kill animals. 0.66

00:05:03.000 But they kill them quick.

00:05:05.000 That's the thing. 0.98

00:05:06.000 They're not out there trying to find owners for them.

00:05:08.000 Oh.

00:05:09.000 Yeah, that's the knock on them.

00:05:10.000 Okay.

00:05:11.000 The Animal Liberation Organization. 0.98

00:05:13.000 I mean, they've, like, broken into, like, they're the type of people that, like, break into fucking supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean. 0.98

00:05:21.000 Be free, be free, my lobster friend. 0.99

00:05:23.000 I'm into it, Joe.

00:05:24.000 Are you?

00:05:25.000 I'm into it.

00:05:25.000 I'm a total vegan.

00:05:26.000 I know you are.

00:05:27.000 Bleeding heart.

00:05:28.000 Yeah, I know you are.

00:05:28.000 But those lobsters have always made me so sad.

00:05:31.000 Why?

00:05:32.000 They're bugs.

00:05:33.000 Do you swat mosquitoes?

00:05:35.000 I rarely kill bugs. 1.00

00:05:37.000 When mosquitoes are fucking you up, you just let them please divinely eat me, drink of my blood. 1.00

00:05:42.000 No. 1.00

00:05:43.000 You are me and I am you.

00:05:45.000 And if you give me malaria, then so be it.

00:05:47.000 I just...

00:05:48.000 Okay, maybe not...

00:05:50.000 I'm not crazy.

00:05:52.000 Okay, come over to your house. 0.98

00:05:53.000 Your house is filled with roaches.

00:05:55.000 I hand you bug spray.

00:05:56.000 Do you use it?

00:05:57.000 Yes, because roaches... 1.00

00:05:59.000 Roaches can fuck off. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Although, I did have an instance, and this is true, I was in the shower, and I was having... 1.00

00:06:05.000 I get really vegan, and really, when I'm depressed, I get more vegan than ever.

00:06:10.000 It's like what throws me into it.

00:06:11.000 I'm just feeling too much, and then I feel for every animal, and it just gets out of control.

00:06:16.000 So if I'm ever...

00:06:18.000 You know, going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram.

00:06:21.000 Someone should check in on me.

00:06:22.000 I'm not doing well.

00:06:24.000 I'm in a dark place.

00:06:25.000 I'll call you.

00:06:25.000 Yes.

00:06:26.000 I'll call you.

00:06:27.000 And one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede.

00:06:30.000 Like, drowning.

00:06:31.000 The grossest bug known to man.

00:06:33.000 Like, it's...

00:06:34.000 They're half centipede, half spider. 0.96

00:06:35.000 They're disgusting. 0.96

00:06:36.000 They've... 0.99

00:06:36.000 I don't hate anything more than that creature. 0.99

00:06:39.000 And I was like, you know what? 0.94

00:06:40.000 I can't kill it. 0.50

00:06:41.000 I want to save it and just take it outside. 0.56

00:06:43.000 And I'll, like, tell my vegan friends...

00:06:44.000 Like, I'll be, like, such a good vegan today.

00:06:46.000 So I got out of the shower and, like...

00:06:47.000 You know when you get out of the shower and...

00:06:49.000 You think you're just like, you don't need a towel.

00:06:52.000 I'm just going to grab something and you like traipse like a lazy river throughout your house.

00:06:55.000 Right.

00:06:56.000 I made a huge mess, get a paper towel, come back and I pick it up and I'm so scared to do it.

00:07:01.000 And I'm so proud of myself too. 0.99

00:07:03.000 I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans. 0.98

00:07:05.000 And I open it up and I'm so scared because I want to see if it's still alive. 0.99

00:07:09.000 And it was a clump of pubes. 0.82

00:07:11.000 It wasn't even.

00:07:12.000 Oh.

00:07:13.000 Yeah, so I... Which looks exactly like...

00:07:16.000 Whose pubes? 0.97

00:07:16.000 Mine. 0.97

00:07:17.000 Your pubes are that dark?

00:07:18.000 I... Yeah, dude.

00:07:20.000 Yeah.

00:07:21.000 This is all...

00:07:22.000 Bottle.

00:07:22.000 It's a bottle?

00:07:23.000 A bottle.

00:07:24.000 Yeah, I mean, they're not like dark, dark, but centipedes...

00:07:26.000 House centipedes are like blonde. 0.73

00:07:28.000 They're kind of like dirty blonde. 1.00

00:07:29.000 Do you know that hair bleach is not vegan, right?

00:07:33.000 Listen...

00:07:37.000 I'm making that up, by the way.

00:07:39.000 It's probably not, man.

00:07:40.000 I know there's something on my face right now. 1.00

00:07:42.000 But it seems like when I said that, you were like, oh shit. 0.99

00:07:44.000 Listen, there's so many things. 0.99

00:07:47.000 I'm not a perfect vegan and I don't claim to be, but...

00:07:50.000 I love the idea of veganism.

00:07:52.000 I love the idea of it.

00:07:53.000 The idea that you love animals and you don't want to cause harm.

00:07:57.000 I love the idea.

00:07:58.000 Just the practical application and the health implications.

00:08:01.000 That doesn't sit with me.

00:08:03.000 Really?

00:08:03.000 Yeah.

00:08:04.000 Protein?

00:08:05.000 Well, it's not protein.

00:08:07.000 There's a lot of different things that you get from animals.

00:08:10.000 Omega fatty acids from grass-fed animals, salmon and things like that.

00:08:15.000 Choline, which is very difficult to get outside of animal products.

00:08:19.000 B12, very difficult to get outside of animal products.

00:08:23.000 Okay, my problem with, I don't care if you hunt, I don't care if you are on a farm and the animals are treated well, it's just all about how you treat them.

00:08:32.000 Factory farming.

00:08:32.000 Factory farming is my big issue.

00:08:34.000 90% of all my meat, I kill myself.

00:08:37.000 That's why when people, you know, they often cite you as like, is it cool if Joe eats me?

00:08:43.000 I'm like, yes.

00:08:44.000 Because he's hunting it all.

00:08:45.000 I also, if I shoot two animals, I eat them the whole year.

00:08:51.000 I hunt big animals.

00:08:52.000 I hunt elk or deer.

00:08:54.000 If I eat a deer, I'll eat that for four months.

00:08:57.000 For four months, I'll eat that deer.

00:08:59.000 That's cool.

00:09:00.000 I'm fine with that.

00:09:00.000 And I feed my dog it.

00:09:02.000 My dog eats mostly raw elk meat.

00:09:04.000 Really?

00:09:04.000 Yeah.

00:09:05.000 It's one of the reasons why he's so healthy.

00:09:06.000 Yeah.

00:09:07.000 He gets... 0.99

00:09:07.000 I mean, dog food is horseshit. 0.99

00:09:09.000 Like, what the fuck is in there? 1.00

00:09:10.000 Like, animal dicks and assholes all ground up. 1.00

00:09:13.000 That dog eats elk. 1.00

00:09:15.000 He eats mostly elk.

00:09:16.000 You can tell.

00:09:17.000 He's super healthy.

00:09:18.000 He's beautiful.

00:09:19.000 But yeah, I mean, that's the problem I have. 0.99

00:09:22.000 He's also a murderer. 0.94

00:09:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:23.000 The dog's a squirrel murderer. 0.99

00:09:25.000 Oh, wow.

00:09:26.000 You get him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes.

00:09:28.000 Yeah.

00:09:29.000 His little eyes roll back in his head and they go black.

00:09:31.000 And he's caught some.

00:09:32.000 Like a shark.

00:09:33.000 He has.

00:09:33.000 And then he eats that for four months.

00:09:35.000 He lives off that...

00:09:36.000 Okay.

00:09:36.000 No.

00:09:36.000 He doesn't even eat them.

00:09:38.000 Just four. 0.99

00:09:39.000 Just fucks them up. 1.00

00:09:40.000 Comes back inside. 0.99

00:09:41.000 Yeah.

00:09:42.000 He wants you to see.

00:09:43.000 He takes pictures.

00:09:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:45.000 Him with a squirrel in his mouth.

00:09:47.000 You with that dog.

00:09:48.000 Let me just say, you have the best...

00:09:52.000 Your happiness comes out in your face.

00:09:54.000 When you smile, it's not a fake smile.

00:09:57.000 Your selfies with that dog after a hike.

00:10:00.000 I love them so much.

00:10:01.000 You look so happy.

00:10:03.000 I am.

00:10:04.000 He's my buddy.

00:10:04.000 You're so happy.

00:10:07.000 You are, right?

00:10:08.000 Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

00:10:09.000 I want to come back as you.

00:10:12.000 Reincarnated.

00:10:12.000 It's complicated.

00:10:13.000 It is.

00:10:14.000 It's been a long time to get there.

00:10:16.000 You don't want to be me.

00:10:17.000 People shouldn't want to be you.

00:10:18.000 You don't want to be me.

00:10:20.000 You're a woman.

00:10:20.000 It would be so crazy.

00:10:22.000 Seems pretty good.

00:10:24.000 You think so?

00:10:24.000 Seems pretty great to be Joe Rogan.

00:10:26.000 I mean, what is the downside of being you?

00:10:30.000 I really want to know.

00:10:31.000 If someone was interested in becoming you, what are some warnings you'd give them? 1.00

00:10:39.000 You better work out, bitch. 1.00

00:10:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:41.000 Otherwise the demons will catch you.

00:10:43.000 They'll catch you.

00:10:43.000 But you love working out.

00:10:44.000 Yeah.

00:10:45.000 I love working out for two reasons.

00:10:47.000 One, because it makes me feel good.

00:10:48.000 And two, because I don't want the demons to catch me.

00:10:51.000 What are these demons?

00:10:52.000 Demons.

00:10:53.000 Tell me.

00:10:54.000 The demons are angry.

00:10:55.000 Anger.

00:10:56.000 Anger demons.

00:10:57.000 Most men have anger demons.

00:10:58.000 Because most men have a certain amount of... 0.63

00:11:01.000 There's a requirement that your body has in terms of the expenditure of energy.

00:11:05.000 And if you don't meet that requirement, you get antsy and then you get agitated.

00:11:09.000 When you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road raging, what do you think that is?

00:11:14.000 For most people, it's this excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery. 0.97

00:11:21.000 And they don't know what to do with it.

00:11:24.000 And if...

00:11:25.000 You have any sort of a history of violence or combat sports or contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression.

00:11:38.000 That's sort of inherently a part of who you are.

00:11:40.000 And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore?

00:11:43.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:11:43.000 You've got to exercise that shit out. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Yeah, you were talking about this the other day with the boys, talking about Sober October, about how when you were last October doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing. 1.00

00:11:58.000 A lot of hours.

00:11:59.000 You couldn't feel anything afterwards?

00:12:01.000 There was some kind of residual.

00:12:03.000 I didn't even comprehend it because I've never worked out that much.

00:12:06.000 We were talking about how nothing bothers you.

00:12:08.000 Nothing bothers you.

00:12:08.000 Nothing.

00:12:09.000 Nothing.

00:12:09.000 Because you're so tired?

00:12:11.000 No.

00:12:12.000 No, because I'm not that...

00:12:13.000 That's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape and then you're not that...

00:12:16.000 It's not that you're that tired.

00:12:18.000 It's just that you're even. 0.99

00:12:21.000 Like, the way you process things, there's no like, well, who the fuck does this guy think he is? 0.97

00:12:25.000 There's none of that. 0.97

00:12:27.000 Okay.

00:12:27.000 There's none of that.

00:12:27.000 It's like someone flips you off.

00:12:29.000 Oh, look at that guy flipping me off.

00:12:31.000 It registers zero.

00:12:33.000 It doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things, but all the internal negative chatter is gone.

00:12:39.000 All of it.

00:12:40.000 All of the pitfalls and psychological traps that your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity, if you don't occupy it.

00:12:52.000 I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety, with all sorts of different issues. 0.64

00:12:58.000 I think we have human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days.

00:13:06.000 And those are still a part of our DNA. And if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements aren't met, your body just gets agitated.

00:13:15.000 It's just like fucking... 0.98

00:13:17.000 Just wants to do something. 1.00

00:13:19.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00

00:13:20.000 And you're just watching TV and then your neighbor's dog is barking like, will you shut that fucking thing up? 1.00

00:13:26.000 It's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing by gathering nuts or whatever you were doing. 1.00

00:13:31.000 By doing something physical, anything, fucking hiking, anything. 0.97

00:13:34.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:13:34.000 That's why people are happier and healthier when they use their body. 0.98

00:13:38.000 It's not as simple as like...

00:13:40.000 People look at it like intelligent people, unfortunately, a lot of them, look at it like it's a vanity thing and they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing so they don't care about their body.

00:13:48.000 But it's not that.

00:13:49.000 You are your body.

00:13:50.000 They're inseparable.

00:13:52.000 Your mind is a part of your body.

00:13:53.000 Your body is a part of your mind.

00:13:55.000 It's all together.

00:13:57.000 But what about your thoughts?

00:13:59.000 What are your feelings on thoughts?

00:14:01.000 What am I feeling something?

00:14:03.000 For me, thoughts are what cause all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all of the anger.

00:14:10.000 It's not having control of my thoughts.

00:14:13.000 It's letting my thoughts control me.

00:14:16.000 And as soon as I learned meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away, then I was able to really gain a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before when I thought my thoughts were just like,

00:14:35.000 oh, I'm thinking this thought.

00:14:35.000 It's true.

00:14:36.000 It's me.

00:14:37.000 I created it.

00:14:38.000 Let me keep going with it.

00:14:40.000 Do you feel like...

00:14:43.000 Don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also?

00:14:46.000 For sure.

00:14:47.000 For sure.

00:14:48.000 But it's not like anger, like I'm just randomly angry walking around with things.

00:14:51.000 I just have my physical requirements.

00:14:53.000 Yes.

00:14:54.000 Do you want some fake beer?

00:14:56.000 It's so...

00:14:57.000 I can't...

00:14:58.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't drink, and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer.

00:15:02.000 It's a fake beer.

00:15:03.000 It's zero alcohol.

00:15:04.000 But, like, I don't miss the taste of alcohol.

00:15:06.000 Oh.

00:15:07.000 Who misses the...

00:15:08.000 No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up.

00:15:12.000 I would drink these.

00:15:13.000 They taste good.

00:15:16.000 Really?

00:15:16.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:15:17.000 This tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is a great taste.

00:15:22.000 It does.

00:15:23.000 It tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, 2009, living my best life.

00:15:28.000 When was the last time you drank?

00:15:31.000 2011, December 9th.

00:15:32.000 Whoa.

00:15:33.000 Cleveland, hilarities.

00:15:34.000 Whoa.

00:15:35.000 After the show.

00:15:35.000 You're like, I'm done.

00:15:37.000 Well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening.

00:15:41.000 I was by myself.

00:15:42.000 Next thing you know, you're shooting heroin.

00:15:44.000 I don't know what happened.

00:15:46.000 I was at a point in my life where it was like, this has got to stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day.

00:15:54.000 And I was just doing...

00:15:56.000 I would black out from two drinks because...

00:15:59.000 My mind, John Mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks because his mind was like, we know where this is going, shutting down early.

00:16:08.000 Like, if you know you're going to black out, your brain just blacks out earlier.

00:16:12.000 Right.

00:16:12.000 Because every time I drank, I would black out.

00:16:14.000 Wow.

00:16:16.000 I woke up that next morning, and it wasn't a hard night of drinking a couple beers, but I was just the sickest I've ever been.

00:16:24.000 And the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was the best part about being sick, if you're going to find the best part about being sick, it's that people feel sorry for you.

00:16:33.000 You get babied a little bit.

00:16:34.000 You get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy.

00:16:39.000 But when you're hungover, no one gives you that.

00:16:40.000 So you're sick, and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick, which is people feeling sorry for you. 1.00

00:16:45.000 Everyone's like, you piece of shit, you did this to yourself. 1.00

00:16:47.000 So I was in the shower, in the fetal position, thinking, this is how I should feel if I'm dying. 1.00

00:16:54.000 I really don't want to feel this bad unless I am on my way out.

00:16:58.000 So I'm not doing this anymore.

00:17:00.000 And I read a book, and then I was done.

00:17:02.000 What was the book?

00:17:03.000 The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr.

00:17:05.000 What's the easy way?

00:17:06.000 Easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it.

00:17:11.000 Why?

00:17:11.000 And what he does, well, I used his method to stop smoking.

00:17:14.000 The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr.

00:17:17.000 So many people have read it.

00:17:18.000 It's the one book that when you've tried everything else, nothing else works.

00:17:22.000 This book, my mom quit smoking after 35 plus years.

00:17:25.000 Really?

00:17:26.000 So many of my friends.

00:17:27.000 I heard about it, I think like Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Kutcher.

00:17:31.000 I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it.

00:17:33.000 I read the book and you can smoke while you read it and then by the end of the book he just promises you he goes go have a cigarette and you're just like no I don't want to and I don't need to.

00:17:45.000 His method is, and this is the thing he does with drinking, any excuse you have to do that thing, he talks you out of it. 0.94

00:17:52.000 He tells you a reason why your excuse is actually bullshit and there's no science behind it. 0.90

00:17:57.000 He disproves any reason that you have to do it. 0.94

00:18:00.000 We've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol industries to believe that quitting is really hard.

00:18:09.000 And quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction.

00:18:11.000 You can die from it, obviously.

00:18:12.000 But with tobacco...

00:18:14.000 It's part of their propaganda to tell you that it's hard to quit smoking.

00:18:19.000 They're the ones pushing that message, which seems like why would they tell people it's hard?

00:18:25.000 But they're doing that because if it's hard, you won't quit.

00:18:28.000 So that has been their message to be like, it's so hard to quit smoking.

00:18:31.000 It's so hard.

00:18:32.000 When really, it's not.

00:18:34.000 It's not?

00:18:35.000 No.

00:18:36.000 The withdrawal symptoms of not smoking last up to two weeks, I think.

00:18:41.000 It's less than that.

00:18:42.000 I think it's like seven to eleven days.

00:18:44.000 And the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry.

00:18:51.000 You're a little bit annoyed.

00:18:53.000 It's like, it's not insurmountable.

00:18:55.000 It's uncomfortable, but it passes after seven to eleven days, I think it is.

00:18:59.000 And then it's all, even when you're going through it, it's not that bad.

00:19:03.000 But it's...

00:19:04.000 It's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard.

00:19:09.000 So once he proves to you it's not that hard, and any excuse you have to smoke, which is like, it calms me down, it raises your blood pressure.

00:19:16.000 So that's inaccurate.

00:19:17.000 It makes me more social.

00:19:19.000 Actually, it isolates you.

00:19:21.000 If you really look at it, every time you smoke, you feel kind of bad. 0.93

00:19:24.000 People think you stink.

00:19:26.000 Every excuse you have, and then you did it with drinking, too.

00:19:29.000 I went through this book.

00:19:30.000 I read it.

00:19:30.000 You can drink while you read the book.

00:19:32.000 You have to want to quit.

00:19:33.000 To pick up the book, you have to want to be like, I want this out of my life.

00:19:36.000 I don't know how to get it out of my life.

00:19:38.000 And I gave this book to so many of my friends, and my friends don't drink anymore.

00:19:42.000 And a lot of them, you know, use program or other things to supplement, but all I needed was this book, and I was done.

00:19:47.000 And I'll tell you, I drank every single night of my life, and I never thought I could live without it.

00:19:54.000 I was just like anyone listening that's like, no, no, no.

00:19:57.000 You don't understand all my friends drink.

00:19:59.000 It's my life.

00:20:00.000 It's my social life.

00:20:00.000 It's my work life.

00:20:01.000 It was everything to me.

00:20:02.000 It's all I look forward to.

00:20:04.000 Yeah, I'll never go like this when a friend enters a bar again.

00:20:09.000 I'll never do that.

00:20:11.000 I will never greet a friend with, she's here!

00:20:14.000 Yes, yes, yes!

00:20:16.000 Is that you?

00:20:17.000 That was me.

00:20:19.000 That's something I miss. 0.98

00:20:20.000 I'll never have that kind of two-drink enthusiasm anymore, but because I don't drink, I am fucking killing it. 0.95

00:20:28.000 My life changed. 0.76

00:20:31.000 I can trace my career as before and after.

00:20:34.000 Like, on the dot.

00:20:36.000 So, you know, it's not for everyone.

00:20:38.000 If you have a problem, you should maybe look into it.

00:20:40.000 But that book seriously changed my life.

00:20:43.000 That sounds amazing.

00:20:45.000 And there was no difficulty in quitting?

00:20:48.000 None.

00:20:49.000 Wow.

00:20:50.000 It really was easy.

00:20:51.000 Maybe a couple times I felt like, oh, it'd be nice to have a drink.

00:20:56.000 I was dating a guy that just wanted to have a glass of wine with me.

00:20:59.000 And I'm like, why can't I just have a glass of wine?

00:21:01.000 And I've been tempted.

00:21:02.000 And I don't think that I would go off the deep end again.

00:21:07.000 But...

00:21:08.000 But I don't, I just, I go back to that book and I'm just like, I just, any reason I can give myself, it's just really, it isn't true.

00:21:14.000 And I'm better without it.

00:21:16.000 Well, it's definitely not true if you're drinking it every night and you're blacking out.

00:21:20.000 Yeah.

00:21:21.000 But if you just have a cup of glass of wine with dinner, it feels nice.

00:21:25.000 Oh, I know.

00:21:26.000 It's a social lubricant.

00:21:26.000 You have fun with friends.

00:21:27.000 You start laughing and joking around.

00:21:29.000 But you don't have that ability to stop there.

00:21:32.000 Is that...

00:21:33.000 I could for a few months and then it would trickle into...

00:21:37.000 Chaos.

00:21:39.000 Exactly.

00:21:39.000 The voice you have...

00:21:41.000 People are listening and I know you relate to this.

00:21:44.000 You go, I'm just going to have two tonight.

00:21:45.000 But then that person...

00:21:47.000 And you go, promise yourself you're just going to have two.

00:21:49.000 But then you get that voice drunk and that voice is like, have another. 1.00

00:21:53.000 Come on, pussy. 1.00

00:21:54.000 So you can't... 1.00

00:21:55.000 You can't plan for how you're going to feel two drinks in because you get drunk and then it just keeps going.

00:22:02.000 I miss it, man.

00:22:03.000 I have a bit about that, about drunk driving.

00:22:06.000 The problem is not whether or not you can drive drunk. 0.98

00:22:09.000 The problem is even thinking that you can drive drunk because when you're drunk, you don't know what the fuck you can do or can't do. 0.99

00:22:14.000 Yes. 0.97

00:22:15.000 That's why guys get in fights with people way bigger than them when they're drunk.

00:22:18.000 And they don't even know how to fight. 1.00

00:22:20.000 You're stupider when you're drunk. 1.00

00:22:22.000 You're a fucking moron when you're drunk. 1.00

00:22:23.000 So the idea that you could drive drunk, like, I'm fine. 1.00

00:22:26.000 Like, you don't even know if you're fine.

00:22:27.000 That's the problem.

00:22:28.000 Yes.

00:22:28.000 The problem is you're drunk.

00:22:29.000 And that's a big part of the book, is talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone cites.

00:22:34.000 I mean, like, I need a drink because I can't go on stage if I don't have a drink.

00:22:38.000 I need a drink to talk to the girl. 1.00

00:22:39.000 And it's not courage. 1.00

00:22:41.000 What you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid. 1.00

00:22:44.000 You're actually making yourself more, I don't even know if the word is correct, but more, you're retarding yourself. 1.00

00:22:52.000 And you're making yourself more mentally disabled. 0.58

00:22:56.000 Be careful throwing around that R word. 0.99

00:22:57.000 I know.

00:22:58.000 On this show.

00:22:58.000 Seriously.

00:22:59.000 On this show.

00:23:01.000 That's a real term, retarding.

00:23:03.000 Yeah, it is a real term.

00:23:04.000 And even retarded, it has nothing to do with Down syndrome, has nothing to do with diseases, and we've got a problem with that word in this country.

00:23:12.000 I'm not going to call a movie the R word, but I can call a mental state the R word.

00:23:16.000 That's cool.

00:23:17.000 What about a movement that's retarding growth?

00:23:21.000 Yeah, you can say that.

00:23:23.000 It's retarding the masses.

00:23:25.000 Retarding but not retarded? 0.96

00:23:27.000 You won't say retarded.

00:23:29.000 Isn't that interesting?

00:23:30.000 You get scared.

00:23:31.000 I thought it was so strange. 0.99

00:23:33.000 Like, we can say pussy, cat, but we can't say pussy. 1.00

00:23:36.000 Imagine if there was, like, a cunt bird. 1.00

00:23:38.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:23:39.000 And, like, you could say cunt bird, and everybody's like, okay, cool. 0.96

00:23:42.000 I feel like that's what someone's called me before. 0.97

00:23:48.000 That's a popular insult on my Instagram.

00:23:50.000 By the way, that word will get us demonetized from YouTube, according to Jamie.

00:23:52.000 Isn't that what you said?

00:23:53.000 Did you say what they say?

00:23:54.000 That's what I've heard.

00:23:55.000 Really?

00:23:55.000 What they say about Sober October?

00:23:57.000 Someone said the word, and that's the reason. 0.52

00:23:59.000 C-word?

00:24:00.000 They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast, so the entire podcast was demonetized.

00:24:04.000 What?

00:24:04.000 Yeah.

00:24:05.000 We should go back and beep it.

00:24:06.000 See if they change it.

00:24:07.000 Go back and put a...

00:24:08.000 I think I could. 0.99

00:24:11.000 Cunt is such a... 1.00

00:24:12.000 I love that word. 0.99

00:24:13.000 It's a great word.

00:24:14.000 I feel empowered by that word. 0.99

00:24:16.000 If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like... 1.00

00:24:18.000 Really? 1.00

00:24:18.000 Yeah, you know... 1.00

00:24:19.000 Why? 0.80

00:24:21.000 For the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook, I was like, good. 0.98

00:24:25.000 A woman's a bad person. 1.00

00:24:27.000 I don't even care.

00:24:28.000 Like that?

00:24:28.000 Like, I'm just like, yeah, we can do it all.

00:24:31.000 If there's women that aren't crooks, if you're going to have a woman president, let's have one that's not a murderer or a crook. 1.00

00:24:38.000 It'd be cool if the first one was impeccable. 0.99

00:24:41.000 But I'm just saying, when people were saying that argument, I was like, good, I don't even fucking care.

00:24:44.000 I like a strong, just a woman doing things that men normally do. 1.00

00:24:49.000 I love it.

00:24:50.000 You know, that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump.

00:24:53.000 What do you mean? 1.00

00:24:54.000 Well, they say he's an asshole and he's a thief. 1.00

00:24:55.000 Who cares? 1.00

00:24:56.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:24:57.000 He's a man. 1.00

00:24:58.000 Yeah!

00:24:59.000 Yeah.

00:25:00.000 Yeah, at least he's not a politician.

00:25:01.000 At least he's not a man. 1.00

00:25:03.000 She's a crook. 1.00

00:25:03.000 At least she's not a man. 1.00

00:25:05.000 Right.

00:25:05.000 Women can do it, too.

00:25:06.000 Yeah.

00:25:07.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

00:25:08.000 Okay.

00:25:08.000 It's a team.

00:25:09.000 Team mentality.

00:25:10.000 Okay, I don't like that, then.

00:25:11.000 I don't like it either.

00:25:11.000 Okay, I take it back.

00:25:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:25:13.000 But I did have that feeling, like, the word cunt, though, I just don't... 0.98

00:25:16.000 If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like, wow, I really, like, spoke up then. 0.99

00:25:20.000 It tells me I'm doing something right. 0.99

00:25:21.000 Right.

00:25:22.000 The real problem is words.

00:25:24.000 The real problem is people have intent.

00:25:27.000 Their intent is the same no matter what noise comes out of their mouth.

00:25:30.000 Words are just conveying intent. 0.98

00:25:33.000 When you make words bannable, outlaw words, you're playing a fool's game. 0.99

00:25:39.000 That's a fool's game. 0.97

00:25:40.000 Because all words are supposed to be is tools that convey intent. 0.98

00:25:43.000 You can't say that that word is exactly the same every time it's used without regard to the context.

00:25:51.000 That's crazy.

00:25:52.000 Because you could say that to your friend, and you could both be laughing and love each other. 1.00

00:25:56.000 Like, you could say, you fucking crazy cunt, and she's like, ah! 1.00

00:26:00.000 And you both fall on the ground howling laughing. 1.00

00:26:03.000 No one got hurt at all.

00:26:04.000 Or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep.

00:26:07.000 It'll hurt her deeply.

00:26:09.000 And it's awful.

00:26:10.000 It's an awful use of the word.

00:26:11.000 Because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent. 0.99

00:26:14.000 It's not a fucking sound that you make with your mouth that's the problem. 0.98

00:26:18.000 The problem is the way people treat each other. 1.00

00:26:20.000 And this stupid game that people play where they outlaw certain words or ban certain words or demonetize YouTube videos for certain words. 1.00

00:26:28.000 That is a fool's game. 1.00

00:26:30.000 It's dangerous. 1.00

00:26:31.000 You're a child.

00:26:32.000 You're playing a child's game, and history will not be kind to you. 1.00

00:26:35.000 You will be looked at as a fucking buffoon. 1.00

00:26:37.000 That's a fact. 1.00

00:26:38.000 Well, buffoon will probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now.

00:26:43.000 I'm just thinking, what words now are we using that are going to get us canceled in five years?

00:26:48.000 People of color.

00:26:50.000 Really?

00:26:51.000 Yes.

00:26:51.000 You think people of color is going to be?

00:26:52.000 Yes.

00:26:53.000 That's the mode de jour, though.

00:26:54.000 How is that okay when you can't say colored?

00:26:57.000 Interesting.

00:26:58.000 Impossible.

00:27:00.000 Interesting.

00:27:01.000 Nonsense.

00:27:02.000 Whoa.

00:27:02.000 Total nonsense.

00:27:04.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:27:04.000 People of color. 0.87

00:27:04.000 You call someone colored, they'll beat the fuck out of you. 0.87

00:27:07.000 But if you say people of color, they'll go, okay, cool. 1.00

00:27:10.000 Whoa.

00:27:11.000 What are you, baby?

00:27:12.000 What are we doing here?

00:27:13.000 This is nonsense.

00:27:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:15.000 It's foolish. 0.99

00:27:16.000 I'm scared. 0.99

00:27:16.000 We're all people of color. 0.99

00:27:18.000 Like, what color are we?

00:27:19.000 You know, I'm darker than you, and you're probably darker than Bill Burr. 1.00

00:27:25.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:27:26.000 What are we doing? 1.00

00:27:27.000 What are we doing?

00:27:28.000 It's crazy.

00:27:30.000 Are you worried?

00:27:31.000 Ever?

00:27:31.000 I mean, you can't get canceled.

00:27:34.000 I'm my own boss.

00:27:35.000 That helps a lot.

00:27:36.000 And I'm nice.

00:27:38.000 I'm a genuinely nice person.

00:27:40.000 I'm nice.

00:27:41.000 I'm always nice.

00:27:42.000 I'm nice to everybody.

00:27:43.000 Even if you don't disagree with me, I'll talk to you.

00:27:45.000 I work hard on being nice.

00:27:47.000 It means a lot to me.

00:27:49.000 It means a lot for me to have good experiences with people.

00:27:52.000 You are nice, and I think people are extremely intimidated by you, as was I, but in the end, really, really nice.

00:28:00.000 What do you mean you have to work hard on it?

00:28:02.000 I work hard on being nice.

00:28:04.000 Was there a time that you weren't nice in your life?

00:28:06.000 Yeah, when I was young.

00:28:07.000 I was very mean.

00:28:09.000 Yeah.

00:28:10.000 But that was because I was competing in martial arts all the time.

00:28:12.000 I was involved in violent things.

00:28:14.000 But you should have been, like you said before, that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would have been placid on the road.

00:28:19.000 No, I was competing.

00:28:20.000 It was before I was doing comedy.

00:28:22.000 Yeah.

00:28:22.000 I was competing all the time.

00:28:24.000 And also, I was too young to understand what was important and what wasn't important.

00:28:29.000 So my eyes were entirely on success at all costs.

00:28:33.000 I just wanted to dominate.

00:28:35.000 I just wanted to figure out a way to win, always.

00:28:37.000 And so I was just mean. 0.79

00:28:41.000 I would enjoy hurting people.

00:28:43.000 And that's what I was doing. 0.95

00:28:44.000 When I was knocking people out, I would enjoy it.

00:28:47.000 I'd like it.

00:28:48.000 Because they were trying to do it to me.

00:28:49.000 What about comedy?

00:28:50.000 Haven't you approached it the same way?

00:28:52.000 No.

00:28:53.000 You don't care about...

00:28:54.000 I mean, you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing comedy.

00:29:00.000 What does that have to do with being mean?

00:29:02.000 No, I mean like you got off on being the best.

00:29:06.000 You needed to compete.

00:29:07.000 No, I just try to do my best at comedy.

00:29:10.000 I just try to do my best.

00:29:12.000 Yeah, you're not looking...

00:29:12.000 I'm not trying to be...

00:29:14.000 First of all, I think that awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous.

00:29:21.000 Like, this is the Emmy Award winning movie.

00:29:23.000 This is the Oscar Award winning this. 0.99

00:29:26.000 This is the fucking Grammy Award winning song. 1.00

00:29:28.000 Like... 1.00

00:29:29.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:29:30.000 What you're doing is, this is a business, and the business is getting people to see who's number one. 1.00

00:29:34.000 And so all these advertisers pay to watch the show, or to promote on the show, and people watch it.

00:29:40.000 I wonder who's going to win best album of the year.

00:29:42.000 Like, it gets crazy.

00:29:43.000 There's a million great albums.

00:29:45.000 Every year, how many thousands of albums are out?

00:29:48.000 And how many people subjectively look at those albums and say, God, this one really moved me, this one spoke to me in a dark time?

00:29:55.000 Yeah.

00:29:55.000 This one really picked me up at the gym.

00:29:57.000 I fucking love this one. 0.99

00:29:59.000 It reminds me of my husband or my wife. 0.99

00:30:02.000 The idea that one is better than the other, it's so subjective.

00:30:06.000 It's crazy.

00:30:07.000 You're right.

00:30:08.000 Lizzo's album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year.

00:30:13.000 So you're absolutely right.

00:30:14.000 I didn't even know who she was until I saw her dancing around on some award show. 1.00

00:30:18.000 And I'm like, that lady... 1.00

00:30:20.000 The one where she busted out the flute out of her vagina? 1.00

00:30:23.000 That lady is lit. 1.00

00:30:24.000 Amazing.

00:30:24.000 She's lit.

00:30:25.000 I didn't want to like it. 0.99

00:30:27.000 She's crazy. 1.00

00:30:27.000 Fucking so much power. 1.00

00:30:28.000 So much power. 1.00

00:30:29.000 Yeah, she's got so much energy. 0.99

00:30:31.000 Sexy.

00:30:32.000 I was just turned on by the whole thing.

00:30:34.000 I really...

00:30:35.000 Did you?

00:30:35.000 You got turned on?

00:30:36.000 I just get...

00:30:37.000 Like if she grabbed you by the back of your hair and just stuffed you in there, you'd be all good? 1.00

00:30:41.000 Stuffed me down in her vagina? 1.00

00:30:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:30:43.000 Kind of.

00:30:44.000 I mean, like...

00:30:45.000 Lizzo?

00:30:46.000 I would go down on Lizzo.

00:30:47.000 Would you?

00:30:48.000 A hundred percent.

00:30:49.000 And I've never gone down on a girl, although it is kind of on my bucket list. 0.84

00:30:52.000 It's on your bucket list?

00:30:53.000 I want to be able to say I've done it.

00:30:54.000 It's not something I crave, but I'm going to do it at some point in my life.

00:30:59.000 Good luck, ladies. 1.00

00:31:00.000 Whoever you are.

00:31:01.000 I have my eye on a couple.

00:31:02.000 Yeah.

00:31:03.000 I hope they know.

00:31:05.000 Do they know?

00:31:05.000 Yeah, it's weird because I like...

00:31:07.000 Do you not have a male gaze, do you?

00:31:09.000 What do you mean?

00:31:10.000 You have your eye on them.

00:31:12.000 If a guy has his eye on a girl, it can be creepy if the girl's not into it.

00:31:15.000 Like, oh Jesus, here comes this guy.

00:31:16.000 Oh, right, right. 1.00

00:31:17.000 Like, oh, here comes Nikki trying to eat my pussy again. 1.00

00:31:19.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:31:21.000 I test the waters and I'm like, have you ever done anything with a girl? 1.00

00:31:24.000 Because I've never even done anything with a girl.

00:31:26.000 So, I mean, I made out with my girlfriends in high school, but that was before I even kissed a boy and I just wanted to kiss...

00:31:31.000 You just want to try it.

00:31:32.000 Yeah.

00:31:32.000 But since then, never fooled around with a girl.

00:31:35.000 But there's some that I'm just like, I can't help that I'm attracted.

00:31:39.000 I don't consider myself...

00:31:43.000 Gay, but I'm on the spectrum somewhere.

00:31:45.000 I'm on that.

00:31:46.000 I could do it.

00:31:47.000 You're open-minded. 0.94

00:31:47.000 Recently, I've been like, yeah, I need to eat some puss. 0.94

00:31:53.000 Because I've never done it, and I expect men to do it to me. 0.60

00:31:57.000 I think I should understand what it's like and be able to empathize.

00:32:04.000 And... 0.99

00:32:04.000 No guy thinks that is straight about sucking cock. 0.99

00:32:06.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

00:32:07.000 I know. 1.00

00:32:07.000 Like, hmm, maybe I should suck a couple dicks so I can empathize. 1.00

00:32:09.000 Just because you can see what that's like. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Just lick your own finger if you get some cum on it, just to experience it. 0.99

00:32:15.000 Okay. 1.00

00:32:16.000 Maybe.

00:32:17.000 Maybe.

00:32:17.000 What else is on your bucket list?

00:32:21.000 I think that's it. 0.99

00:32:22.000 And I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm dying in 88 or something and my grandkids have to find a nurse to squat over my fucking bed. 0.99

00:32:31.000 One thing. 1.00

00:32:33.000 Or like you're old and rich and successful and some lady does not want you to eat her pussy but she does want a Gucci bag. 1.00

00:32:41.000 I'll definitely be able to buy that bitch a Gucci bag. 1.00

00:32:44.000 My face will look like one at that point. 1.00

00:32:48.000 Yeah.

00:32:49.000 Bucket list.

00:32:50.000 Do you have any bucket list things?

00:32:51.000 No.

00:32:52.000 No?

00:32:52.000 No.

00:32:53.000 You've already done them all?

00:32:54.000 Yeah, I don't have anything.

00:32:55.000 Everything I'm doing, I like to keep doing.

00:32:57.000 I would like to be in a...

00:33:00.000 I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love.

00:33:03.000 I would like to be in a loving relationship.

00:33:05.000 At some point.

00:33:06.000 It doesn't have to last forever.

00:33:07.000 But I know that sounds like...

00:33:09.000 Oh, it sounds good.

00:33:10.000 Yeah.

00:33:10.000 And I don't think it's...

00:33:12.000 It might not happen and I'm okay with that.

00:33:13.000 Why wouldn't it happen?

00:33:15.000 You're a nice person.

00:33:15.000 Because I could die young.

00:33:16.000 Whoa.

00:33:18.000 Alright, you could. 0.92

00:33:18.000 I could totally die young. 0.92

00:33:20.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:33:20.000 We could all get hit in the head by a meteor. 0.97

00:33:22.000 Right now, something could happen.

00:33:25.000 An earthquake.

00:33:25.000 Like, yeah.

00:33:26.000 And then I would die without having a... 1.00

00:33:29.000 Pussy. 1.00

00:33:30.000 Pussy in my mouth. 1.00

00:33:32.000 Or... 1.00

00:33:32.000 Anything else? 1.00

00:33:32.000 Love in my heart. 1.00

00:33:33.000 Love in your...

00:33:34.000 And, um...

00:33:37.000 Do you think you could ever be in a relationship with a woman? 1.00

00:33:40.000 Yeah, probably.

00:33:41.000 Really?

00:33:41.000 Yeah.

00:33:42.000 I mean, I really want a relationship with a man first.

00:33:45.000 Yeah. 0.73

00:33:45.000 She takes you around with a dog collar on your neck. 0.73

00:33:47.000 I mean, I don't want to be a sex slave. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Only in the bedroom do I want to be one out and about. 0.99

00:33:53.000 Not a sex slave. 1.00

00:33:54.000 But in the bedroom, yeah, I'm down to be a fucking slave. 1.00

00:33:56.000 This woman wrote me recently because she knows that I'm into bondage and stuff like that. 1.00

00:33:59.000 Yeah, I saw that on your Instagram.

00:34:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:02.000 I dig it.

00:34:02.000 Are you really?

00:34:03.000 It truly is.

00:34:04.000 I mean, I like it because it is forced laziness, like I say in my joke.

00:34:08.000 You can't do anything to a guy.

00:34:11.000 And by the way, it's not that I don't like doing things to men, it's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things.

00:34:17.000 I have bad rhythm. 1.00

00:34:19.000 So like jerking guys off or like sucking dick, I just, I'd rather you do it to me. 1.00

00:34:23.000 Sucking dick makes sense. 1.00

00:34:24.000 It's really hard for a guy to suck his own dick. 1.00

00:34:26.000 But jerking off, I used to have a joke about it. 1.00

00:34:28.000 Like, having a girl jerk you off is like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand. 1.00

00:34:31.000 Hilarious. 0.98

00:34:31.000 No matter what, it's like you can't do it right. 0.98

00:34:34.000 Yes.

00:34:34.000 You ever try to brush your teeth?

00:34:36.000 My right hand knows where every tooth is.

00:34:38.000 Wait, that's so true. 0.99

00:34:38.000 My right hand just fucking goes... 0.99

00:34:41.000 Yeah, it knows. 0.99

00:34:43.000 My left hand, I cannot...

00:34:44.000 I gotta move my head to keep up with my brush.

00:34:47.000 Yes, that's why I like when guys grab my head and just...

00:34:49.000 Oh, just force it in there.

00:34:50.000 Take...

00:34:51.000 Take the wheel.

00:34:52.000 Take the wheel.

00:34:53.000 I don't know what you want.

00:34:55.000 But I'm getting better at it.

00:34:56.000 But I'm trying. 0.98

00:34:59.000 I've had to give some blowjobs just out of, like, I need to practice. 0.99

00:35:02.000 When a girl can jerk you off, if a girl jerks you off and she's really good at it, you're like, Jesus, how many guys you jerked off? 0.99

00:35:08.000 God, we can't win, can we? 0.99

00:35:09.000 No, you can't.

00:35:11.000 No.

00:35:12.000 I love that you...

00:35:13.000 I thought you were going to go, no, you can win.

00:35:15.000 You just go, no, you can't.

00:35:17.000 That felt really good.

00:35:19.000 Thank you for acknowledging it.

00:35:21.000 No, hand jobs, I just... 0.97

00:35:23.000 Well, I feel like fingering, too. 0.99

00:35:25.000 Girls probably are way better at fingering. 1.00

00:35:27.000 No.

00:35:28.000 Get in there.

00:35:29.000 I love being fingered.

00:35:30.000 God, it's the best.

00:35:32.000 Jesus.

00:35:32.000 I love it.

00:35:34.000 The difference between girls and guys, girls have smaller hands. 1.00

00:35:37.000 I would imagine thick fingers.

00:35:40.000 Like a mason.

00:35:41.000 Like a guy who has a bricklayer.

00:35:43.000 Get him up there.

00:35:44.000 I don't know, man.

00:35:45.000 Get him up there?

00:35:46.000 Get him all up there.

00:35:47.000 I don't mind it.

00:35:48.000 I just like it because it just... 0.95

00:35:50.000 I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself. 0.93

00:35:54.000 Like, this does not make me laugh. 0.93

00:35:55.000 But if anyone did that to me, I'd be like, ah!

00:35:57.000 You know?

00:35:57.000 Right.

00:35:58.000 It just...

00:35:58.000 I can predict my own...

00:36:00.000 I get it.

00:36:01.000 Movement.

00:36:02.000 So I don't...

00:36:02.000 What about toys?

00:36:03.000 I do use toys, but I talk about one of my specials particularly that's amazing that sucks your clit. 1.00

00:36:10.000 By the way, your special's out right now on Netflix. 0.99

00:36:14.000 Right now.

00:36:15.000 What's it called?

00:36:15.000 Banging.

00:36:16.000 Banging?

00:36:17.000 Yeah.

00:36:17.000 That's a good name.

00:36:18.000 Yeah, thank you.

00:36:19.000 I like it.

00:36:20.000 Thanks a lot.

00:36:20.000 And I appreciate that.

00:36:23.000 I worked really hard on it. 1.00

00:36:24.000 I wanted to call it Fucking Men because it's about, like, fucking men, but it's also, like, about fucking men. 1.00

00:36:30.000 But Netflix was like, no, we want children to watch. 1.00

00:36:33.000 They want children? 1.00

00:36:34.000 I mean, they were just like, it's gonna make it so, like...

00:36:37.000 Children, not children, but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience.

00:36:43.000 And I'm like, well, the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway.

00:36:46.000 But whatever.

00:36:48.000 I'm glad.

00:36:48.000 Bangin' works.

00:36:49.000 And also, I'm going on tour.

00:36:50.000 I just want to say I'm going on tour January for my first theater tour.

00:36:54.000 The Bangin' Out tour.

00:36:55.000 And tickets are on sale now.

00:36:57.000 And I really want people to go.

00:36:58.000 Because it's going to be all new material.

00:37:00.000 Anyway, very excited.

00:37:01.000 When did you film?

00:37:02.000 I filmed in May.

00:37:03.000 In May?

00:37:04.000 Oh, that's a good amount of time.

00:37:05.000 Yeah.

00:37:05.000 And I filmed another special, a 20-minute special for The Degenerates on Netflix that comes out in December.

00:37:11.000 Damn, look at you. 0.98

00:37:12.000 An hour and a 20-minute one. 1.00

00:37:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:14.000 Whoa, you're crazy. 1.00

00:37:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:37:15.000 I got a lot of material, man. 0.98

00:37:18.000 People go, you have so much material.

00:37:20.000 It's like, if I didn't, there'd be something wrong.

00:37:22.000 I perform every night.

00:37:24.000 I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out.

00:37:26.000 That's the key, right?

00:37:27.000 It really is.

00:37:28.000 It is.

00:37:29.000 I don't sit down and write.

00:37:30.000 It makes it so much more exciting.

00:37:30.000 Last time I was here, we went over all your notes.

00:37:33.000 I think about you all the time because I'm like, I need to organize my jokes better and go over them.

00:37:38.000 And I just can't do it.

00:37:41.000 But I'm going to try.

00:37:42.000 I'm going to start.

00:37:43.000 Why couldn't you?

00:37:45.000 I mean, I could.

00:37:46.000 There's nothing that can stop you.

00:37:48.000 I could.

00:37:49.000 May I? No.

00:37:51.000 But you know it would help, right?

00:37:53.000 Yeah.

00:37:54.000 Do you think it would help or no? 0.99

00:37:55.000 But I'm killing it as is. 1.00

00:37:56.000 Woo, look at you! 0.99

00:37:57.000 You know what I mean?

00:37:58.000 Why fix something that ain't broke?

00:38:00.000 Yeah.

00:38:01.000 I could be better, and that's the thing.

00:38:03.000 No one will ever know how good I could be if I actually tried as hard as I can.

00:38:08.000 Because I don't try as hard as I can.

00:38:09.000 People go, Nikki, you work so hard.

00:38:10.000 And I'm like, you don't understand...

00:38:13.000 How much I'm not working.

00:38:15.000 I don't write down any joke.

00:38:17.000 It's all a one word in my notes.

00:38:19.000 I don't listen to old sets.

00:38:21.000 The only reason I record sets, I record every set, it's so that if I die, tragically, that my parents can use my recordings and make money from my lost tapes.

00:38:31.000 Truly, I gave my parents my cell phone password.

00:38:33.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:38:34.000 So that they can get in there and get them.

00:38:36.000 That is hilarious.

00:38:37.000 And make some money off me. 0.99

00:38:38.000 You know who I hear is a fucking crazy hard worker? 1.00

00:38:41.000 It's Michelle Wolf. 1.00

00:38:42.000 Oh, dear God, yes.

00:38:44.000 I heard she writes two hours every day.

00:38:45.000 I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and it makes me insecure about not writing enough jokes.

00:38:53.000 But you're hilarious.

00:38:54.000 And she's hilarious. 0.95

00:38:55.000 Like I said, yes.

00:38:55.000 You do it your way, she does it her way.

00:38:57.000 Our methods both work, yeah.

00:38:58.000 Yeah.

00:38:59.000 It's all about how much time and focus you put on stand-up, and there's probably a point of no return, or diminishing returns, where you can put too much work into it, and then it feels flat and stale.

00:39:09.000 Yes, or overwriting.

00:39:11.000 For sure.

00:39:12.000 There were a couple jokes I did on the Degenerates taping that were brand new, and I just did them not because I needed to, but because I was like, these are more exciting to me than my old stuff.

00:39:20.000 Let me just do it.

00:39:21.000 And then the next weekend, I go on the road, and the joke becomes even better.

00:39:25.000 I add more tags or whatever.

00:39:26.000 Of course.

00:39:26.000 But then, a week after that, I'm like, it's even better, I've added more, and it's not better.

00:39:31.000 The first version of it was always the best, and I'm glad I put that down, because sometimes it gets too convoluted, and you get away from the...

00:39:39.000 I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there, because sometimes the first time you say it is...

00:39:42.000 Sometimes.

00:39:43.000 Sometimes.

00:39:44.000 Most of the time, for me, it gets better.

00:39:46.000 Most of the time, for me, I get better versions of it.

00:39:49.000 Okay.

00:39:49.000 The only time that changes is when something is really current.

00:39:54.000 Like, something happens that day, and I go on stage about it that day.

00:39:57.000 Right.

00:39:58.000 Right, yeah.

00:39:59.000 Yeah, the first time you say something is usually, like...

00:40:02.000 You have the most energy for it.

00:40:03.000 Maybe the second, because you know it already killed once, and then the second is usually the best.

00:40:08.000 Yeah, but for me, the process always is getting the bit tighter and better.

00:40:14.000 It always gets better.

00:40:16.000 It's very rare that I have a bit, and it's really good in the beginning, and then after a few months, it flattens out.

00:40:23.000 Usually, just the tags get better.

00:40:25.000 I tighten it up.

00:40:26.000 Especially when you're doing a lot of sets, you get a sense of how it works, how it doesn't work.

00:40:30.000 As long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it.

00:40:33.000 Because that's when it can...

00:40:35.000 If you can be doing it a really long time and then you're like, I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore.

00:40:40.000 But Bill Cosby, I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds one word and then as soon as it gets not funny he takes that word out and goes back to...

00:40:51.000 But he was also raping everyone for many years.

00:40:56.000 It's hard to say what he was really thinking when he was saying that.

00:41:00.000 Can't take him at his word.

00:41:01.000 We were just talking about this, that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial raper in history.

00:41:08.000 Yes!

00:41:09.000 I mean, I don't know why I was excited about that. 0.98

00:41:11.000 I know, but it's goddamn crazy. 0.94

00:41:13.000 It's a crazy thing to think. 0.97

00:41:16.000 And you know, couldn't some of those women possibly have died from ODing?

00:41:22.000 Oh, sure.

00:41:22.000 I mean, it's not like he did a test on them to find out what health situations they have.

00:41:26.000 What heart conditions they might have.

00:41:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:41:28.000 I mean, who knows what he's...

00:41:29.000 People have adverse reactions to medication all the time.

00:41:32.000 And back then, who knows what was in that stuff.

00:41:36.000 Some women reported waking up being... 1.00

00:41:38.000 They didn't know how many days had passed.

00:41:40.000 They were dehydrated and disordered.

00:41:42.000 I mean, they woke up...

00:41:44.000 Near death.

00:41:45.000 So I'm guessing maybe it was...

00:41:49.000 I wish she would tell the truth.

00:41:52.000 He won't.

00:41:53.000 He's not capable of it.

00:41:54.000 He never will, but I wish he would tell the truth. 1.00

00:41:56.000 Like, I would love if, like, someone—I mean, he's so old now, it's going to be really hard, because I'm sure he thinks about his legacy, and he's full of shit. 0.98

00:42:03.000 But I would love it if he could just say, like, what was going through his head when he would drug them? 0.98

00:42:10.000 Like, did he think they were beneath him?

00:42:12.000 Like, what was it?

00:42:13.000 He had to have.

00:42:14.000 He had to have.

00:42:15.000 I think it's a celebrity thing, because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity situation.

00:42:23.000 Like, he felt above people and privileged.

00:42:26.000 I'll never forget, he was interviewing, Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some awards show, and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him.

00:42:35.000 And he was wearing sunglasses inside, and he just had this arrogance about him.

00:42:40.000 Like, here's Wanda Sykes, who's this hilarious comedian, and she's great.

00:42:44.000 He should have been excited to talk to her, but instead he had this feeling that he was like this royalty, and he didn't appreciate her language or use of language. 0.98

00:42:53.000 He'd raped like 150 women. 1.00

00:42:55.000 Like, what in the fuck? 1.00

00:42:57.000 But that sort of, I'm above everyone. 1.00

00:43:01.000 You know, I worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner And he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat.

00:43:11.000 What?

00:43:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:13.000 Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it. 1.00

00:43:15.000 She goes, he would have the entire crew, like everyone, door people, everyone, stand there while he ate curry.

00:43:23.000 He would eat his food.

00:43:24.000 And then at night...

00:43:25.000 That was actually more entertaining than the act he was taking around at that time, because I fell asleep seeing him one time, which was ironic.

00:43:33.000 He came to my college and I fell asleep.

00:43:36.000 This is why you were in school, though?

00:43:37.000 Yeah.

00:43:37.000 But you were probably hungover.

00:43:39.000 Probably, actually, to be honest.

00:43:42.000 He would have to watch. 0.85

00:43:44.000 Gross.

00:43:44.000 He also had the security guard tuck him in.

00:43:48.000 He said he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the door and turn the lights out.

00:43:55.000 I mean, you must see this, though, when people...

00:43:57.000 I've never seen that.

00:43:58.000 That seems, like, super extreme.

00:44:00.000 How do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people?

00:44:03.000 It's pretty easy.

00:44:04.000 First of all, I do jujitsu. 1.00

00:44:05.000 I get my ass kicked. 0.99

00:44:06.000 I do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at. 1.00

00:44:08.000 I think that's very important.

00:44:10.000 Yeah.

00:44:10.000 Do a lot of difficult things.

00:44:11.000 Yeah.

00:44:12.000 But also, I just don't have that attitude.

00:44:13.000 I've never thought that I was...

00:44:16.000 I'm good at certain things, but it's all because of time and effort.

00:44:21.000 Which is one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at.

00:44:24.000 Do difficult things.

00:44:25.000 Because it reignites that part of your brain where you're learning things.

00:44:28.000 Instead of just tightening up what you already know, I remember when you first started doing stand-up, and you were so awkward at it.

00:44:36.000 I remember I was terrible, and I was clunky in every set. 0.98

00:44:40.000 This could be an emotional fucking train wreck for me. 0.98

00:44:42.000 Here we go. 0.99

00:44:43.000 And I was so nervous.

00:44:45.000 Now, I did a set Tuesday night at the comedy store.

00:44:49.000 I go there.

00:44:49.000 All my friends are there.

00:44:50.000 We're all laughing and joking.

00:44:51.000 I can't wait to get up there.

00:44:52.000 I got the material already.

00:44:54.000 Everybody's there to see me.

00:44:55.000 Like, hey, everybody, what's up?

00:44:57.000 It's easy.

00:44:58.000 So I do difficult stuff.

00:44:59.000 A lot of difficult things.

00:45:01.000 That's why sometimes I get violently high before I go on stage.

00:45:04.000 Do you?

00:45:04.000 As a new challenge.

00:45:05.000 Really? 1.00

00:45:05.000 Because I'll be up there like, what the fuck are you saying? 1.00

00:45:08.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:45:09.000 Violently high?

00:45:10.000 Like, you know, to the point where it's like, I shouldn't be doing stand-up.

00:45:13.000 But it gives me a new challenge because stand-up doesn't even raise my heart rate anymore.

00:45:19.000 But don't you think that getting really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes?

00:45:23.000 Yes.

00:45:23.000 And those come in, they become new bits.

00:45:25.000 Yes, all the time.

00:45:26.000 Well, a lot of people that don't drink...

00:45:28.000 We'll listen to you go, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're not sober?

00:45:31.000 So you get high? 1.00

00:45:33.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

00:45:35.000 Oh, you just substituted one addiction for another. 1.00

00:45:37.000 And I'll tell you, yes I did.

00:45:38.000 Yes I did.

00:45:40.000 Because I can't, I gotta have something.

00:45:42.000 I was totally sober for several years and it felt great and I had the stamp of approval from the sober community and I don't say I'm sober, I just say I don't drink.

00:45:52.000 I'm very like...

00:45:54.000 Those words are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like, but you smoke weed?

00:45:59.000 I do it because it makes me happy.

00:46:02.000 And it doesn't seem to...

00:46:05.000 I quit drinking because it was affecting my career.

00:46:07.000 My career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships.

00:46:11.000 But weed has not negatively infected those to the point that I need to quit.

00:46:15.000 As soon as it does, I'll be done.

00:46:17.000 And I'll read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking Pot by a guy who's now dead.

00:46:20.000 So that book doesn't exist, but...

00:46:22.000 Well, I think that pot is a different thing.

00:46:25.000 And for me, I like it because it makes me more sensitive.

00:46:28.000 It makes me nicer.

00:46:30.000 It makes me more friendly.

00:46:31.000 Me too.

00:46:31.000 I have more of a sense of community.

00:46:32.000 I want to hug people.

00:46:34.000 And I'm very thoughtful when I'm high.

00:46:38.000 You can call it paranoia, but I'm thoughtful.

00:46:41.000 I'm thinking.

00:46:42.000 I don't want people to be upset.

00:46:43.000 I want everybody to get along well.

00:46:45.000 I want to compliment people.

00:46:46.000 I want people to feel good.

00:46:48.000 I like it.

00:46:48.000 But for this whole month, I'm not doing anything.

00:46:51.000 This is Sober October.

00:46:52.000 So me and Ari and Bert and Tom, we have this thing we do every October.

00:46:57.000 And you're reading a book?

00:46:58.000 It's on right now.

00:46:59.000 Yeah, we read 500 pages.

00:47:01.000 That's good.

00:47:02.000 What are you reading?

00:47:02.000 Bert can't read.

00:47:04.000 Bert sitting down with a book is so hilarious to me.

00:47:08.000 I don't believe it.

00:47:09.000 See, it's on the honor system, so I think he's probably going to throw an audiobook on and just lie.

00:47:13.000 Yeah, you can't.

00:47:14.000 No, I heard you guys talking about that.

00:47:16.000 No audiobooks.

00:47:17.000 Because you can space out.

00:47:18.000 It's like listening to a podcast.

00:47:20.000 No, no, no.

00:47:20.000 He's got eyes to page.

00:47:23.000 Right, and then I want a book report.

00:47:26.000 I haven't even started.

00:47:27.000 I haven't started any book.

00:47:28.000 I'm listening to a bunch of books on tape, which is most of the way I consume books.

00:47:33.000 Can I recommend a book to you?

00:47:34.000 Please.

00:47:35.000 Okay.

00:47:36.000 Get ready.

00:47:37.000 I'm ready.

00:47:37.000 It's called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

00:47:40.000 Ooh.

00:47:41.000 And it's about how orgasms are ruining us and our relationships and our happiness.

00:47:47.000 And it talks about I'm all for this right now, and it's a wild concept, and I've only read three chapters of this book, so I don't have all the information.

00:47:59.000 But what I do know is that orgasms are this rush of blood, whatever.

00:48:05.000 Your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm. 0.68

00:48:09.000 And everything we do in our lives to have stability and...

00:48:13.000 You know, kind of lower anxiety and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever.

00:48:21.000 So orgasms are throwing us off constantly.

00:48:24.000 And we're not supposed to be having this many of them. 0.89

00:48:27.000 Men...

00:48:28.000 Men should... 0.99

00:48:31.000 Here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they want to run right after they come. 1.00

00:48:39.000 It's in your DNA to get the fuck out of there. 0.99

00:48:42.000 Because as a caveman, you can't make something pregnant twice. 1.00

00:48:48.000 So once you came onto the next teepee to fuck the girl's cousin that you just... 1.00

00:48:52.000 Like, it wasn't about... 1.00

00:48:54.000 You weren't going to stay and cuddle. 0.99

00:48:55.000 So that's why men want to fucking run. 0.99

00:48:57.000 Let me tell you something as a man. 0.99

00:48:58.000 That's not really true.

00:48:59.000 What?

00:49:00.000 It's only true if you don't actually like the person.

00:49:04.000 If you only attracted them and horny. 0.99

00:49:07.000 If you're only attracted to them and horny, but you don't like them as a person, yeah, once you come, you're like, oh my god, I gotta get out of here.

00:49:12.000 But if you like them as a person, once you come, you're like, that was great.

00:49:17.000 Then you just want to hang out.

00:49:20.000 Trust me, I am actually a man.

00:49:22.000 I do trust you, but I also think that you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come.

00:49:28.000 That's not true.

00:49:29.000 Really?

00:49:30.000 Yes.

00:49:31.000 Here's my thing, though.

00:49:32.000 I've had a lot of instances.

00:49:34.000 This book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens between a guy liking me and slow fading me than to an orgasm.

00:49:46.000 You're an intense person.

00:49:47.000 You're very smart.

00:49:49.000 You're also very ambitious.

00:49:51.000 And without any derogatory intent saying this at all, you're a lot of work.

00:49:58.000 But it doesn't mean you're bad.

00:50:00.000 It just means you're a powerful person.

00:50:03.000 You got a lot going on.

00:50:04.000 You're intense.

00:50:06.000 You're thinking all the time.

00:50:07.000 You're questioning things.

00:50:09.000 You question yourself.

00:50:10.000 You question this and that.

00:50:13.000 You're a lot of work. 0.99

00:50:14.000 And some guys just can't fucking deal. 0.97

00:50:16.000 And maybe the right guy can. 0.97

00:50:18.000 You've got to find the right guy.

00:50:20.000 This is my theory on human beings.

00:50:23.000 No one is for everybody.

00:50:25.000 There's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everybody.

00:50:28.000 But if you find someone who has the right slots for your hands, like it fits in like this, then you're good. 0.99

00:50:36.000 But if it lands like this, where they have two things, like they have big tits and they like to fuck, but afterwards they're annoying and they talk too much. 1.00

00:50:44.000 It's not going to work. 1.00

00:50:45.000 It's not going to work.

00:50:46.000 But the problem is men are horny all the time. 0.66

00:50:50.000 They're attracted to women. 0.93

00:50:52.000 And then sometimes that horniness and that attractiveness, you get confused and think you actually like the person. 0.93

00:50:59.000 And it seems like you're a liar. 0.59

00:51:01.000 But you're not a liar.

00:51:02.000 At the time, before you come, you're being earnest. 0.91

00:51:05.000 But then once you spooge, you're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:51:09.000 This is just yappy. 0.96

00:51:11.000 Yappy, yap, yap, yap.

00:51:13.000 Nonsense talk. 1.00

00:51:14.000 I gotta get the fuck away. 1.00

00:51:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:51:16.000 That's what I feel.

00:51:18.000 Right, but it's you're meeting the wrong people.

00:51:19.000 Some people would be perfect with the way you talk about stuff.

00:51:23.000 I'm so fun and funny.

00:51:24.000 Yes.

00:51:24.000 That's the thing.

00:51:25.000 I'm like, what changed between me, us hanging out, you liked me, and then I sucked your dick, and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore? 1.00

00:51:33.000 No. 1.00

00:51:34.000 Okay, you can't ask someone to watch your Instagram stories.

00:51:36.000 No, I'm not actually asking that.

00:51:37.000 But it's like, that's an indication if someone likes you.

00:51:40.000 Why?

00:51:40.000 Because, I mean, it just means that they're checking...

00:51:44.000 I don't watch any of my friends.

00:51:45.000 The people I love dearly. 1.00

00:51:46.000 I don't watch any of their fucking Instagram stories. 0.99

00:51:49.000 No, because you're not dating on Instagram. 1.00

00:51:52.000 But even if I was?

00:51:53.000 You would.

00:51:54.000 No, I wouldn't.

00:51:55.000 Joe.

00:51:55.000 Trust me.

00:51:56.000 Okay.

00:51:56.000 I wouldn't.

00:51:57.000 Maybe you're too busy, but here's my...

00:52:00.000 But if you like, that's how you show you like someone now in Instagram.

00:52:04.000 No, you call them up.

00:52:05.000 Okay, I would love- You call people.

00:52:06.000 Yeah.

00:52:07.000 You hang out with them.

00:52:08.000 You're nice to them when you see them. 1.00

00:52:09.000 I don't want to watch you fucking eat cake on Instagram and watch your fucking boomerangs with a fork full of cake. 1.00

00:52:17.000 Yeah, you're right. 1.00

00:52:18.000 I'm so not interested in that.

00:52:19.000 I'm busy. 0.98

00:52:20.000 I got shit to do. 0.98

00:52:21.000 And time is super valuable for me. 1.00

00:52:23.000 I'm not watching anybody's fucking Instagram stories. 0.99

00:52:26.000 No one. 1.00

00:52:27.000 I watch them.

00:52:28.000 If I watch it, it's an accident.

00:52:29.000 That's how I know when someone likes me.

00:52:31.000 If a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and I'm like, oh my god, he's watching my stuff constantly.

00:52:36.000 Is that how it works?

00:52:36.000 I didn't even know that someone can tell that someone's watched your Instagram stories.

00:52:40.000 Yeah, so you can flip up on them and see who's watching.

00:52:42.000 And I'll speak to your point.

00:52:43.000 While they're watching or have watched them.

00:52:45.000 Have watched them.

00:52:46.000 And now, if...

00:52:48.000 A lot of times, a guy will be too busy, or I'll be too busy, but I need to let this guy know that I like him.

00:52:53.000 So I'll just flip through him very quick.

00:52:55.000 I won't even watch him, but I want my face to pop up so he knows I'm interested.

00:52:58.000 It's just a way to be like, hey, I'm into you.

00:53:01.000 And it's just a way to indicate...

00:53:05.000 It's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're interested and then after we hook up, no more.

00:53:12.000 And it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing.

00:53:15.000 I really don't think it's that.

00:53:17.000 Why do you have an idea of what it was without asking?

00:53:21.000 Well, I have asked and a lot of times or one time they've said and then I think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually I I get they're too vulnerable with me and then I've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in in a way emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like I remind them of the fact that they might have cried with me or something and then they don't want to be around anymore.

00:53:49.000 That sounds like what I would say if I'm trying to get rid of somebody.

00:53:52.000 Really?

00:53:52.000 Yeah.

00:53:53.000 I don't think that's true.

00:53:55.000 Yeah, I mean, if you really love someone and you really love being around them, what do you care if you're vulnerable around them? 1.00

00:54:01.000 If you do care about that, you're some kind of a pussy that doesn't deserve to be in a relationship anyway. 1.00

00:54:05.000 Okay. 1.00

00:54:06.000 That could be it.

00:54:07.000 And they could... 0.99

00:54:09.000 Why is pussy a bad word? 1.00

00:54:10.000 Let's talk about that. 1.00

00:54:11.000 Pussy? 1.00

00:54:11.000 Yeah, someone saying you're a pussy. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Like, that's ridiculous. 1.00

00:54:17.000 Everybody that's straight, males, love pussy. 1.00

00:54:20.000 Love pussy. 1.00

00:54:21.000 Right. 1.00

00:54:21.000 A lot of girls love pussy. 1.00

00:54:23.000 They love their own pussy. 1.00

00:54:24.000 When someone calls someone a pussy, I'm not thinking about a vagina, though. 1.00

00:54:26.000 That's why it's so screwy. 1.00

00:54:27.000 It's a screwy word.

00:54:28.000 Yeah.

00:54:29.000 It's like we were talking about earlier, like, with the use of words. 0.99

00:54:32.000 And cunt. 1.00

00:54:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:34.000 But pussy's a weird one. 0.99

00:54:36.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:54:38.000 Pussies aren't scared of you. 1.00

00:54:39.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Yeah.

00:54:41.000 I think cat.

00:54:43.000 I think pussy cat. 0.97

00:54:44.000 It came from pussy cat. 1.00

00:54:45.000 Yeah, but cats are just smart. 1.00

00:54:46.000 They're like, get the fuck away from me.

00:54:47.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.97

00:54:48.000 That doesn't make sense.

00:54:49.000 Yeah, they're not scared as much as they're wise. 1.00

00:54:51.000 If they were your size, you would be fucked. 1.00

00:54:53.000 Fucking freaked out. 1.00

00:54:55.000 Fucked. 1.00

00:54:55.000 I'm scared of cats. 1.00

00:54:56.000 The reason why cats are scared is because they're little and you're big.

00:54:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:59.000 If they were your son, they would fuck you up. 1.00

00:55:01.000 That's what I always say about- Like this idea that it's a scaredy cat. 1.00

00:55:04.000 Check a cat out with a squirrel. 0.99

00:55:05.000 Watch what the fuck happens. 0.99

00:55:06.000 Oh, yes. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Cats are scary.

00:55:07.000 They're murderers.

00:55:08.000 Do you know how many fucking animals domestic cats kill in this country every year? 1.00

00:55:12.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:55:14.000 Billions.

00:55:14.000 Birds.

00:55:15.000 Billions.

00:55:16.000 Billions.

00:55:17.000 Really billions.

00:55:18.000 Yeah.

00:55:18.000 It's a crazy number.

00:55:20.000 They're ruthless little animals.

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:22.000 I love them.

00:55:23.000 I love cats.

00:55:24.000 I do too.

00:55:25.000 I mean, I've never had them, but...

00:55:26.000 I got a sweet little buddy named Prince Oliver.

00:55:29.000 He's the best.

00:55:30.000 He's a ragdoll cat. 0.98

00:55:31.000 You just pick him up and he just goes limp, starts purring.

00:55:33.000 He's the best.

00:55:34.000 And does Marshall get along?

00:55:37.000 Yeah, he's fine.

00:55:37.000 Marshall gets along with everybody.

00:55:39.000 I know.

00:55:39.000 Everybody except squirrels.

00:55:40.000 Squirrels.

00:55:41.000 Squirrels are his enemy.

00:55:42.000 Squirrels.

00:55:42.000 Yeah.

00:55:43.000 And my daughter has a rabbit that he tried to kill once.

00:55:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:48.000 Rabbit got away, though.

00:55:49.000 Luckily.

00:55:49.000 Good.

00:55:50.000 But now that rabbit's freaked out. 1.00

00:55:52.000 Well, he had to be taught, like, hey, fuckface, you can't kill a rabbit. 1.00

00:55:55.000 Okay. 1.00

00:55:55.000 And he's like, okay, I didn't know. 1.00

00:55:57.000 I thought it was just a rabbit rabbit.

00:55:58.000 I didn't know it was a friendly rabbit.

00:56:00.000 I'm going to see some birds after this.

00:56:02.000 Where are you going?

00:56:02.000 I'm going to go to a bird shop.

00:56:04.000 Just a parrot shop my friend knows about.

00:56:06.000 I was like, I need some...

00:56:08.000 That's why I'm so glad Marshall came in today.

00:56:10.000 I was like, I needed some...

00:56:11.000 Animal love.

00:56:12.000 Animal love.

00:56:13.000 It's so therapeutic.

00:56:14.000 You forget.

00:56:15.000 You can hang out with him after the show.

00:56:16.000 He's so good.

00:56:17.000 I just want to snuggle with him.

00:56:19.000 He's great.

00:56:19.000 Do you have any dogs or cats or anything?

00:56:21.000 I had two dogs that I gave to my parents because I moved to New York City and moved to a tiny apartment, four-floor walk-up, and I just started wishing that they weren't alive, which is crazy.

00:56:36.000 Because you take them out every day.

00:56:37.000 Yeah, I was just resenting them and finding myself being a little less kind to them.

00:56:43.000 Not abusive ever, but just not as, like, I love you.

00:56:46.000 It's just like every time I'd see them, I'd be like, ugh, yeah, I'm here to walk you. 0.99

00:56:49.000 Like, I was just a bitch around them. 1.00

00:56:51.000 Right. 0.99

00:56:53.000 And my life was unmanageable with them, and I was paying so much money for dog walkers, I wasn't even seeing them, people coming in and out of my house, and then they were barking when I was gone.

00:57:02.000 They just didn't have good lives, so I gave them to my parents and my sister.

00:57:05.000 I'm going to see them this weekend.

00:57:06.000 But I loved them so much, and I wish I had a job that...

00:57:12.000 Could have dogs in it.

00:57:14.000 I can't wait to not be on the road so much or have a family.

00:57:16.000 Do you like working in New York?

00:57:18.000 Do you like living and working in New York?

00:57:19.000 I do, yeah.

00:57:20.000 Do you like doing those sets, running around, doing short sets all over the place?

00:57:23.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:57:24.000 Boom, boom, boom.

00:57:25.000 But I do that here, too, when I'm here.

00:57:27.000 Laugh Factory, Improv, Commie Store.

00:57:29.000 So, I want to be here and there.

00:57:33.000 I haven't decided yet, but I'm back and forth all the time.

00:57:36.000 Once you're here, you could get a yard.

00:57:37.000 I know.

00:57:38.000 That's when I had dogs and I was happy.

00:57:40.000 Talk to Whitney.

00:57:41.000 She's got a gang of dogs. 1.00

00:57:42.000 I know.

00:57:42.000 She's got like a giraffe.

00:57:44.000 A couple of horses.

00:57:45.000 She's got horses. 1.00

00:57:46.000 She's got a bunch of shit. 1.00

00:57:47.000 So many animals. 1.00

00:57:48.000 Yeah.

00:57:48.000 I want Whitney's life.

00:57:49.000 Whitney was the one that told me about that fucking no orgasm book. 1.00

00:57:53.000 Whitney saved my life, not saved my life, but is changing my life with a book. 1.00

00:57:57.000 Because I ran into her one time backstage and I was like, bitch, how did you get engaged? 0.99

00:58:01.000 Why are you so happy? 0.99

00:58:03.000 I've known you forever.

00:58:04.000 I've watched you from afar.

00:58:06.000 And even though you were always just...

00:58:09.000 Whitney and I met, I moved to town in 2006 and I found her on MySpace.

00:58:13.000 She had some clip up and I watched her.

00:58:15.000 I was like, she's funny as hell.

00:58:16.000 And I reached out and was like, let's be friends.

00:58:17.000 We used to do the open mic circuit together.

00:58:19.000 And then we kind of went our separate ways.

00:58:21.000 And I watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way I was.

00:58:25.000 Then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and saving horses and I asked her one night recently, I was like, what did you do?

00:58:32.000 And she was like, I read a book.

00:58:33.000 And it wasn't that book.

00:58:34.000 It was this other book called Getting To I Do.

00:58:36.000 It's such a humiliating title.

00:58:38.000 But it just teaches you as a woman... 1.00

00:58:57.000 Yes, it does.

00:58:58.000 Well, I mean, it means you're going for a guy who is comfortable in the receiving role.

00:59:04.000 But most women want to have a guy chase them. 1.00

00:59:06.000 But us empowered women are running around like, hey, ask me out. 1.00

00:59:10.000 Let's go out. 0.99

00:59:10.000 And it's like, men don't fucking want that. 0.99

00:59:12.000 They like to chase. 0.99

00:59:14.000 Well, some men do.

00:59:14.000 Yes, that's what I'm saying.

00:59:15.000 Those are the feminine men. 0.98

00:59:16.000 But not even feminine men.

00:59:17.000 Feminine's the wrong word. 1.00

00:59:18.000 Some masculine men like strong women.

00:59:20.000 Yes.

00:59:21.000 That's what I'm looking for.

00:59:22.000 I realize that I definitely...

00:59:23.000 I can't put...

00:59:25.000 Anyway, this book just talks about how, pick a lane.

00:59:28.000 Feminine, masculine, figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship. 0.97

00:59:34.000 And it's changed a lot of my friends' lives and mine.

00:59:38.000 Really?

00:59:38.000 Yeah, just by being like, okay, I'm not gonna chase these guys anymore.

00:59:42.000 If a guy's not reaching out to me, he doesn't like me, wait for him to reach out to me.

00:59:47.000 It's pretty much the whole concept of like, he's just not that into you kind of stuff.

00:59:52.000 But it's just...

00:59:53.000 Reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like men.

01:00:00.000 Really?

01:00:01.000 Don't take the power away from them.

01:00:02.000 They're turned on by that.

01:00:04.000 They want to earn our love and our bodies.

01:00:08.000 They want to earn it.

01:00:09.000 Don't just give it to them.

01:00:10.000 It sounds like such a generalization.

01:00:11.000 It is, but it's based in a lot of science.

01:00:14.000 The book Getting To I Do, I really... 0.99

01:00:16.000 Yeah, this doctor wrote this book, and the title is fucking terrible. 0.99

01:00:19.000 Wait a minute. 0.98

01:00:20.000 How could you add science in regards to emotional connections and relationships?

01:00:24.000 Where's their science?

01:00:26.000 I forget, but...

01:00:28.000 I'm just going to be honest with you.

01:00:29.000 There's evolutionary biology that establishes certain roles and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things.

01:00:37.000 And there's studies that have done that.

01:00:39.000 The problem is these generalizations.

01:00:43.000 If a girl's really hot and she's chasing a guy, guys are into it.

01:00:49.000 Maybe at first.

01:00:51.000 But then they end up resenting it.

01:00:53.000 Oh, I don't believe that.

01:00:54.000 I do.

01:00:55.000 Yeah, but I'm a man.

01:00:56.000 But I'm a woman.

01:00:57.000 You gotta trust me.

01:00:57.000 You gotta trust what I've...

01:00:58.000 I'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys that don't deserve me. 1.00

01:01:02.000 I don't know if that's what it is.

01:01:05.000 I don't know if that's what it is.

01:01:07.000 I think you're intense.

01:01:08.000 And I think that's what scares guys off.

01:01:11.000 I think that's what it is.

01:01:14.000 But it's not that you would scare every guy off.

01:01:16.000 You just scare these guys that can't handle intensity.

01:01:19.000 Some people can't take spicy food.

01:01:22.000 That's what it is.

01:01:23.000 Okay.

01:01:23.000 That makes me feel better.

01:01:25.000 It's all about compatible personalities.

01:01:28.000 It's all about it.

01:01:29.000 I'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy.

01:01:33.000 Because I have...

01:01:33.000 I mean, if you were really breaking it down, I have low self-esteem, which I'm working on.

01:01:38.000 But you don't sound like you have low self-esteem.

01:01:40.000 You call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself.

01:01:43.000 You're out there killing it.

01:01:44.000 I'm not as hot as I want to be or would kill to be. 1.00

01:01:48.000 Literally kill. 0.99

01:01:49.000 I would murder someone to be hotter. 1.00

01:01:50.000 How many people? 1.00

01:01:52.000 A couple.

01:01:53.000 If I could get away with it. 0.99

01:01:54.000 Okay, if you could look like Beyonce, how many people would you murder?

01:01:57.000 Do I have to do it by hand and do I get away with it? 0.99

01:01:59.000 No, with a knife.

01:02:00.000 You have to do it with a knife.

01:02:02.000 If it's like Bill Cosby, yeah, easy. 1.00

01:02:04.000 I could murder him. 1.00

01:02:05.000 Yeah, I could. 1.00

01:02:06.000 Yeah, but I would, if I could like the box where you press a button and five people die. 0.99

01:02:11.000 If this would be like an episode of Black Mirror, if there was just a room, you go into a room and Bill Cosby's sitting there with his fucking cataracts. 0.99

01:02:18.000 Yes. 0.99

01:02:18.000 And I give you this. 0.99

01:02:21.000 This knife.

01:02:22.000 Okay.

01:02:23.000 And I said, listen, we can make this happen, but I need you to do something for me.

01:02:28.000 I need you to go in there and take care of this monster.

01:02:31.000 Yes. 1.00

01:02:32.000 You think you could stab Bill Cosby? 0.99

01:02:34.000 Yes. 0.95

01:02:34.000 And he literally is probably the only person that I could do that to. 0.95

01:02:37.000 What about Harvey Weinstein? 0.99

01:02:40.000 I mean, yeah, he's disgusting. 0.98

01:02:43.000 Yeah, probably. 0.97

01:02:44.000 Give me the Vanity Fair about him.

01:02:47.000 Let me freshly read all the accusations.

01:02:51.000 With Bill Cosby, I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it.

01:02:55.000 It's a different thing.

01:02:56.000 But if you let me talk to a couple victims and hear what he did, I mean, I could do it to so many people.

01:03:03.000 I'm trying to think of a terrible person.

01:03:05.000 But I don't like violence and that does freak me. 0.98

01:03:07.000 I'd rather just strangle him. 0.99

01:03:08.000 Have his eyes pop out even more. 1.00

01:03:10.000 Do you think strangling him is less violent than stabbing him? 0.88

01:03:12.000 I just don't like blood.

01:03:16.000 Even stepping on a cockroach, you have to hear a crunch. 0.99

01:03:20.000 What if you had to kill him with a sledgehammer? 0.91

01:03:24.000 That's blood, too, and that's like blunt force. 1.00

01:03:27.000 Yeah, I could probably do it.

01:03:28.000 Could you?

01:03:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:30.000 Okay, good.

01:03:30.000 I just want...

01:03:31.000 I don't want to be alone on this.

01:03:33.000 Okay, good.

01:03:34.000 Bill Cosby? 1.00

01:03:35.000 What if you rape one of my daughters? 1.00

01:03:37.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:03:38.000 Easy to kill them. 1.00

01:03:39.000 Easy. 1.00

01:03:40.000 Easy.

01:03:40.000 I'd probably...

01:03:41.000 Yeah, I don't want to say what I'd do.

01:03:44.000 Really?

01:03:44.000 Come on.

01:03:45.000 I'd do it slow, and then I'd throw them off a roof.

01:03:47.000 Oh.

01:03:49.000 I would actually go in and act like I was a fan.

01:03:53.000 Really?

01:03:54.000 And be like, can I run some jokes by you and have him lecture me?

01:03:58.000 And just earn a little bit of his trust.

01:04:01.000 And then jump on his chest like a spider monkey. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:04.000 Fucking shank him. 1.00

01:04:05.000 Just fucking go to town. 1.00

01:04:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:07.000 It'd feel good. 1.00

01:04:08.000 Isn't it crazy that five years ago, no one would ever think that?

01:04:12.000 Oh, I did.

01:04:13.000 Really?

01:04:13.000 Oh, just kidding.

01:04:16.000 This is all pre-rape.

01:04:19.000 No, you're right.

01:04:20.000 I mean, that would be...

01:04:21.000 What an insane conversation.

01:04:22.000 Right.

01:04:24.000 Imagine having this conversation in 2009. No.

01:04:26.000 I want to kill Bill Cosby. 1.00

01:04:27.000 People are like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:04:30.000 He's America's dad. 0.99

01:04:31.000 There's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we don't know.

01:04:35.000 I don't think anybody is like that guy.

01:04:38.000 Not like that.

01:04:38.000 Because I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio, when I was on a sitcom.

01:04:43.000 They were talking about Bill Cosby drugging people.

01:04:46.000 I forget who was having the conversation, but they were like, Bill Cosby drugs people.

01:04:49.000 And I was like, what?

01:04:50.000 Like, yeah.

01:04:51.000 It was like inside Hollywood talk.

01:04:54.000 Like, on the set, they were saying that someone knew someone who Bill Cosby drugged. 0.99

01:04:59.000 He drugs women and has sex with them. 1.00

01:05:01.000 I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:05:01.000 He wrote jokes about it. 1.00

01:05:03.000 Yes.

01:05:04.000 He talked about it on late night TV, about slipping a Spanish fly into someone's drink.

01:05:09.000 Yes, yes.

01:05:09.000 He wrote an episode of his show where he was at a barbecue and there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like...

01:05:17.000 Yes, yes.

01:05:18.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:05:19.000 Dude, you know what's been happening to me?

01:05:22.000 I have been talking with guys, texting with guys, FaceTiming, all these long distance stuff because I'm scared of intimacy, whatever.

01:05:34.000 And I've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our relationship reaches that like, oh, this might be something.

01:05:42.000 Let's maybe meet up and we make plans.

01:05:44.000 And I find out the next day they were and I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend and they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it.

01:05:55.000 I've been Ambien'd a couple times by guys that I'm like, they don't have a drinking problem, I'm finally engaging in a sober relationship or sober-ish, and they don't remember anything.

01:06:07.000 And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico together.

01:06:12.000 This is Priceline. 0.99

01:06:14.000 I can't get a fucking refund. 0.99

01:06:15.000 Kevin James made dinner when he was on Ambien and then thought someone broke into his house. 0.99

01:06:20.000 Like, he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it, made mashed potatoes, stuffing, graving.

01:06:26.000 They did the whole thing.

01:06:27.000 Cooked.

01:06:27.000 Yeah.

01:06:28.000 And then woke up in the morning and they were like, what did you do last night?

01:06:31.000 You cooked? 1.00

01:06:32.000 He's like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:06:32.000 I didn't fucking cook. 1.00

01:06:34.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:06:34.000 Like, he really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner. 0.99

01:06:38.000 That stuff's horrible.

01:06:40.000 Yeah.

01:06:40.000 It's so bad.

01:06:40.000 I've got guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like, they didn't know it.

01:06:44.000 They're ready to go to Mexico.

01:06:45.000 Like, what?

01:06:46.000 What's my passport doing out?

01:06:48.000 I don't like you like that.

01:06:50.000 And then I'm like, well, we...

01:06:52.000 And I go to sleep with like...

01:06:54.000 Butterflies in my stomach of like, God, we finally connected tonight.

01:06:57.000 Something happened.

01:06:58.000 He finally saw what I saw the whole time.

01:07:02.000 And the next day I'll make like, I'll kind of like be like, so last night, like one guy, we had phone sex for the first time we were like, and it felt like real sex.

01:07:09.000 You know, sometimes it can feel very connected phone sex or FaceTime, Skype sex, whatever it is. 0.52

01:07:15.000 How far away did this guy live?

01:07:19.000 Middle of the country.

01:07:20.000 Oh, okay.

01:07:21.000 Yeah.

01:07:22.000 And I was in New York.

01:07:23.000 I thought you were going to say Midtown.

01:07:23.000 Midtown.

01:07:24.000 I was like, why don't you just get in an Uber?

01:07:27.000 This is crazy.

01:07:30.000 I heard Mid.

01:07:32.000 I was like, oh my God, please don't say Midtown.

01:07:36.000 Yeah, and we...

01:07:38.000 We finally, like, got naked together on the...

01:07:41.000 And I was like, oh my god, like, this is...

01:07:43.000 And it was never really sexual before that. 0.99

01:07:45.000 Like, there was little flirty things, but I was like, when is this guy gonna make a fucking move? 0.98

01:07:48.000 And, like... 0.98

01:07:49.000 And he did.

01:07:50.000 But he was on Ambien and blacked out the...

01:07:53.000 Didn't remember any of it!

01:07:56.000 Not even a second!

01:07:57.000 Look how angry she is! 1.00

01:07:58.000 I was so pissed!

01:07:59.000 Because the next day I went into work, I was skipping around.

01:08:02.000 I was like, dude, telling all my girlfriends, like...

01:08:05.000 I met a guy.

01:08:06.000 This guy is the guy that I've been talking to them about.

01:08:09.000 I have a radio show, so every morning I go in and debrief my producers.

01:08:12.000 And I'm like, last night we hooked up and it's happening.

01:08:16.000 And then I talked to him later on and he was just like, wait, what are you talking about?

01:08:19.000 And I was like...

01:08:21.000 And he goes, I don't really...

01:08:23.000 I didn't even know we talked last night. 0.98

01:08:24.000 It just sucked. 0.77

01:08:26.000 And then it happened to me recently again. 1.00

01:08:28.000 There's a lot of people on that shit. 1.00

01:08:30.000 A lot. 1.00

01:08:31.000 I did it recently.

01:08:32.000 My friend gave it to me because I... I guess I shouldn't say that, but I took some and...

01:08:39.000 I guess I shouldn't say that.

01:08:42.000 You shouldn't say that.

01:08:43.000 Just don't say the friend's name.

01:08:45.000 Yeah, okay.

01:08:45.000 You're alright.

01:08:46.000 Some fucking asshole gave you Ambien. 1.00

01:08:48.000 Some... 1.00

01:08:50.000 I was working with Bill Cosby.

01:08:51.000 I didn't even mean to.

01:08:53.000 He was my friend.

01:08:56.000 Because I was just having a really rough time.

01:08:59.000 I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep, which I know you guys were talking about the other night. 0.99

01:09:04.000 Sleep is fucking everything. 0.99

01:09:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:09:06.000 And I had a meltdown, and I had a Netflix taping to do the next night.

01:09:11.000 My friend was like, take this Ambien.

01:09:14.000 You're not going to sleep otherwise.

01:09:15.000 And I took it, and I took Instagram off my phone.

01:09:18.000 I took Twitter off my phone.

01:09:19.000 I cleared my room of food, because you don't know what's going to happen.

01:09:22.000 I got the best night's sleep of my life, though.

01:09:24.000 You took all those things off your phone?

01:09:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:26.000 I was like, I don't know if I'm going to get racist when I do Ambien.

01:09:30.000 What if that is what causes it?

01:09:32.000 Oh.

01:09:33.000 I don't know what can happen.

01:09:34.000 That is hilarious that you planned that far ahead.

01:09:36.000 You took Instagram off your phone.

01:09:38.000 So my ambient state would have had to go into the app store, re-download it, type in my, you know, like a lot of things.

01:09:43.000 Yeah.

01:09:44.000 That's a very clever thing.

01:09:46.000 That's very smart of you.

01:09:47.000 I don't want to get canceled yet.

01:09:49.000 I mean, someday I will want to get canceled.

01:09:51.000 Do you think so?

01:09:52.000 Yeah, because that's such a...

01:09:53.000 Rise again?

01:09:54.000 Like a phoenix?

01:09:55.000 No, not even to rise again.

01:09:56.000 To be like, good, I'm out.

01:09:57.000 I'm gonna go start my bird rescue.

01:09:58.000 Or whatever the hell.

01:10:00.000 You know?

01:10:00.000 Yeah.

01:10:01.000 That'll be...

01:10:01.000 I'll be okay.

01:10:02.000 It's very difficult to get comics canceled unless they're doing something.

01:10:07.000 I know.

01:10:07.000 You gotta get...

01:10:08.000 I mean, even Aziz, which I think he got a fucking terrible deal... 0.93

01:10:12.000 What happened with him was terrible. 0.95

01:10:14.000 It sounded like a bad date.

01:10:15.000 It sounds like one person's account of it, and he didn't give his account of it, and he just tried to stay supportive of Me Too and all that jazz, but that guy got devastated.

01:10:25.000 He got wrecked by that.

01:10:28.000 Yeah.

01:10:28.000 Really wrecked.

01:10:29.000 And his special is a great indication of it.

01:10:32.000 You see his recent special.

01:10:33.000 It's like a giant apology.

01:10:34.000 I haven't seen it yet.

01:10:35.000 I mean, he's a funny guy.

01:10:37.000 And he didn't get canceled.

01:10:40.000 He's still doing shows and everything.

01:10:42.000 But as is Louis C.K., he's still doing shows.

01:10:44.000 But those guys are an example.

01:10:47.000 Louis more so, right?

01:10:48.000 He's an example because people are protesting.

01:10:50.000 No one's protesting Aziz.

01:10:51.000 He had a bad date.

01:10:53.000 Yeah.

01:10:55.000 But Louis, to this day, is still getting protested.

01:10:58.000 People show up at his shows.

01:11:00.000 Every time he does a show somewhere, they print articles about it.

01:11:03.000 Oh, who cares?

01:11:03.000 He's fine.

01:11:05.000 I don't care.

01:11:06.000 You don't care about him?

01:11:09.000 He's fine.

01:11:10.000 He'll be fine.

01:11:11.000 Yes.

01:11:11.000 But emotionally?

01:11:14.000 Sure.

01:11:15.000 You don't care?

01:11:16.000 I just...

01:11:19.000 Emotionally, I think he's going to be fine.

01:11:21.000 I think it's all, like, you're going to upset some people, they're going to protest, but it's not going to affect your ticket sales or how much people love you, and he knows that, and he's going to be quite alright.

01:11:30.000 It's not the people that do love him, it's the people that hate him.

01:11:34.000 It's like there's always going to be a certain amount of people that do love you.

01:11:37.000 Even if you're a terrible person. 1.00

01:11:38.000 If you're like, look, Donald Trump is, one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the assholes. 1.00

01:11:45.000 Like he's a self-avowed asshole. 1.00

01:11:48.000 It's very obvious that he's an asshole. 1.00

01:11:50.000 And then other assholes are like, finally we've got an asshole speaking for us! 1.00

01:11:54.000 And they want to wear sunglasses inside and yell. 1.00

01:11:57.000 I mean, this is what he attracts, right? 1.00

01:12:00.000 So even if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of people who love you. 1.00

01:12:03.000 If you're in a public eye, people choose cult leaders, right? 1.00

01:12:08.000 They don't choose them for their positive qualities.

01:12:10.000 They get sucked into this idea of this person liking them.

01:12:13.000 We're good to go.

01:12:44.000 Get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of fame and power, like a Donald Trump or anybody.

01:12:52.000 And Louis is one of those, too.

01:12:53.000 So it's not that the people who love him don't always love him.

01:12:56.000 And people love Louis before, and they forgive him for what he's done, but there's going to be people that don't.

01:13:01.000 And those people that don't, and they write articles, and if he reads them, it just burns on you, and it hurts you.

01:13:06.000 And he's a super sensitive guy.

01:13:09.000 So all this stuff, it's like, he's going to be fine, yes.

01:13:12.000 But it's still...

01:13:13.000 It's not...

01:13:14.000 Devastating.

01:13:15.000 Yeah, but didn't he cause a little bit of devastation in some people's lives, perhaps?

01:13:21.000 For sure.

01:13:21.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:13:23.000 Eye for an eye.

01:13:24.000 And I really think the angry people who don't like him and aren't going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway.

01:13:31.000 And yet it's going to hurt to get that Google alert for your name.

01:13:35.000 You gotta turn off that feed.

01:13:37.000 One out of ten articles is maybe negative about you, but he's doing alright.

01:13:40.000 I mean, I talked to him after one night at the Comedy Cellar, and he told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public.

01:13:51.000 Because I just asked him, I was like, what has it been like for you?

01:13:53.000 This is right when he came out of hiding.

01:13:55.000 Right. 1.00

01:13:56.000 And he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:14:04.000 Like, you know, he's at a store or something. 1.00

01:14:06.000 And then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like, fuck you, you know? 1.00

01:14:11.000 And it was like, oh my fucking God! 1.00

01:14:13.000 This is a nightmare for you, walking outside your house. 1.00

01:14:16.000 And I'm like, so this is...

01:14:18.000 Oh no, this is only two times of the whole year.

01:14:20.000 And I was like, oh, okay.

01:14:21.000 Well, that seems manageable.

01:14:23.000 And he goes...

01:14:25.000 He says, but ten times a day people are still asking for my picture and autograph, so it's pretty good.

01:14:29.000 So I don't think he's suffering that much, and I don't think he deserves to suffer that much.

01:14:34.000 I'm just saying I think as many people hate him as maybe would have anyway because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them.

01:14:44.000 You know what he said a big one was?

01:14:45.000 A big one was that Parkland thing.

01:14:47.000 That joke that he made that got released. 0.96

01:14:50.000 He said, that really, really fucked him up. 0.98

01:14:52.000 That really fucked him up, the response to that. 0.54

01:14:54.000 Because it was after, you know, he had just started to do stand-up again after 10 months off. 0.94

01:15:00.000 And then he did that joke about the Parkland survivors.

01:15:03.000 About, like, why are they interesting?

01:15:05.000 Because you pushed a fat kid in front of you? 0.54

01:15:07.000 Because you survived?

01:15:08.000 Like, yeah, you're laughing.

01:15:09.000 See... 0.99

01:15:10.000 It's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club. 0.97

01:15:13.000 When you take that out of context, then people get angry at it. 0.97

01:15:16.000 But that is a classic Louis C.K. line.

01:15:19.000 I mean, that sounds exactly like most of his act.

01:15:21.000 We would have celebrated him for it before.

01:15:24.000 100%.

01:15:24.000 This whole thing.

01:15:25.000 But now he's walking a fine line.

01:15:27.000 He can't...

01:15:28.000 Also, the very beginnings, the embryonic stages of a bit.

01:15:32.000 And that bit could have been a monster bit.

01:15:34.000 Totally.

01:15:35.000 Yes.

01:15:35.000 You're so right.

01:15:36.000 That was the first...

01:15:38.000 Ten months.

01:15:39.000 No stand-up at all for ten months, and then he's got this bit, and he's working on it, and he's got an angle.

01:15:44.000 The angle is, why are we, these survivors, just because they survived doesn't mean they're interesting.

01:15:50.000 That is true.

01:15:51.000 Love it.

01:15:52.000 It is true.

01:15:52.000 Great bit.

01:15:53.000 It could have been an amazing bit, but some fuckhead had to record it and then put it on YouTube, and then you got guys like Judd Apatow yelling out about it, like as if this is like Louis' final statement on the subject. 0.97

01:16:04.000 And it's this, especially by other comics, like that, I found that whole thing to be so fucked up. 0.90

01:16:11.000 I was like, you know what a bit is. 0.83

01:16:13.000 And you know when someone's trying.

01:16:15.000 Don't you ever try out new bits?

01:16:17.000 Oh, man.

01:16:17.000 I've said some stuff on stage where I even say to the crowd, listen, that didn't come out right.

01:16:22.000 That was the first.

01:16:23.000 Please don't tell anyone that I just said that.

01:16:26.000 Will you all be just cool?

01:16:27.000 Of course.

01:16:28.000 So I definitely understand that.

01:16:30.000 And I understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that I've hurt their feelings.

01:16:40.000 And it feels shitty when people hate you.

01:16:42.000 So I do feel for him that way.

01:16:44.000 I do.

01:16:45.000 And that's why I asked him, like, what is it like?

01:16:48.000 You're the most beloved and then you were... 1.00

01:16:50.000 I mean, that's got to fucking suck. 1.00

01:16:53.000 It's got to suck. 1.00

01:16:53.000 And he said he would have gone to Africa or wherever, you know, somewhere to disappear, but his kids. 1.00

01:17:01.000 He couldn't leave.

01:17:02.000 Yeah.

01:17:02.000 And so he had to sit around with it.

01:17:04.000 It's got to be super hard.

01:17:05.000 I sympathize, or I can empathize with that, for sure. 0.87

01:17:10.000 And that would suck. 0.99

01:17:12.000 And I'm not immune to getting fucking canceled. 1.00

01:17:14.000 I'm sure I've said shit before that... 0.99

01:17:17.000 It's just waiting to resurface. 1.00

01:17:18.000 Dude, you said shit on that roast. 1.00

01:17:20.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:17:21.000 I was scared to do the roast.

01:17:23.000 I was like, this stuff isn't gonna age well with how we're going.

01:17:29.000 You know?

01:17:29.000 Yes.

01:17:30.000 It's scary.

01:17:31.000 You went hard in the paint.

01:17:32.000 Oh dude, I was supposed to go so much harder too.

01:17:35.000 Really?

01:17:35.000 Yeah, I had to cut a lot of jokes.

01:17:37.000 Why'd you have to cut a lot of jokes?

01:17:38.000 Because Caitlyn Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash.

01:17:41.000 Shh.

01:17:43.000 Jesus Christ.

01:17:44.000 That was like the bulk of my material.

01:17:46.000 Don't be here.

01:17:47.000 I know.

01:17:47.000 She didn't even know that it was possible that we were going to do that.

01:17:51.000 Oh my God.

01:17:53.000 How would she not think that?

01:17:55.000 I know.

01:17:56.000 Comedy Central told me, they're like, listen, we don't think Caitlin knows that those jokes are coming.

01:18:00.000 And I was like, will you tell her or will someone give her a heads up?

01:18:05.000 And they're like, we don't want to alert her because she might not want to do it now.

01:18:09.000 So who decided to not do the jokes?

01:18:12.000 I was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it.

01:18:15.000 Like I was going like, Caitlyn Jenner!

01:18:18.000 Such a beautiful woman you killed with your car four years ago. 0.99

01:18:21.000 You know, stuff like that.

01:18:23.000 I loved you on Keeping Up With The Car Crashians. 1.00

01:18:25.000 Just like different things.

01:18:28.000 I love that you're a woman that can't menstruate yet you still manage to have blood on your hands. 1.00

01:18:34.000 Like great jokes. 0.87

01:18:36.000 You can't menstruate? 0.99

01:18:37.000 You can't menstruate. 0.98

01:18:39.000 Menstruate. 0.51

01:18:40.000 Menstruate. 0.51

01:18:41.000 Yeah, you can't get your period, but you still manage to have blood on your hands.

01:18:46.000 And they were like my favorite jokes of my set.

01:18:49.000 They worked the best.

01:18:51.000 I was working the set up for like a month before.

01:18:54.000 Who told you to not do them?

01:18:55.000 Well, Comedy Central strongly advised me not to.

01:18:58.000 They never said you can't.

01:18:59.000 They've never said that to me.

01:19:01.000 So why did you decide not to?

01:19:02.000 Because Caitlyn Jenner heard the morning of, they had a call with her the morning of the roast, that she had heard, apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash, and if they do, if I hear a single,

01:19:17.000 that was a very devastating thing that happened to that family, and a woman lost her life, and if there's a joke about it, I will walk.

01:19:27.000 That would have been awesome.

01:19:29.000 That's what I told Gommie Central.

01:19:30.000 That would have been awesome.

01:19:32.000 Before I heard this, I was like, if she gets upset, because they were like, if she gets upset, there might be a moment where, you know, the cameras go to her.

01:19:40.000 And the problem is, I was going first.

01:19:42.000 And I was doing all the jokes about the car crash.

01:19:44.000 Now, if I would have upset her first off, then the whole show is thrown off.

01:19:47.000 And it's weird in the room.

01:19:49.000 I said, bad press is good press.

01:19:51.000 It's going to get written up so much more.

01:19:52.000 You guys, come on!

01:19:54.000 You should have said, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, and just went up and did it.

01:19:57.000 I was going to, Joe.

01:19:58.000 You should have.

01:19:59.000 They go, just don't put the jokes in the prompter.

01:20:00.000 Because then they haven't signed off on it, I'm going rogue.

01:20:04.000 Go rogue.

01:20:05.000 Go rogue.

01:20:05.000 I like it.

01:20:06.000 So I went up, or so that morning I woke up and I was still kind of like...

01:20:12.000 Maybe I'll do a softer version of those jokes.

01:20:15.000 I was going to tweak them a little bit.

01:20:17.000 I was going to say, Caitlyn Jenner, what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your... 0.91

01:20:21.000 I was going to add the word accidentally.

01:20:23.000 Yeah.

01:20:23.000 Just to soften it and make it more factual.

01:20:26.000 Yeah.

01:20:28.000 And then Comedy Central called and they said that she had said she'll walk.

01:20:32.000 And that's when I decided I'm not going to do it.

01:20:33.000 I don't want this woman to walk off stage. 1.00

01:20:36.000 I don't want to really...

01:20:38.000 I just think it's so strange that we're calling her a woman.

01:20:40.000 Really?

01:20:41.000 I love it.

01:20:42.000 I love the chaos of it.

01:20:43.000 Like, I just love this woman.

01:20:45.000 Like, oh yeah, it's not a man anymore.

01:20:47.000 I'm so proud of myself when I don't even have to think about it anymore.

01:20:49.000 Because for a while it was like, make sure you say woman, make sure you say she. 0.99

01:20:53.000 It's the worst example of it because she's such a dummy. 1.00

01:20:55.000 Like, when she talks, it's just like, it's so, it's like disappointing. 0.76

01:21:00.000 Like, I wish she had more insight on it.

01:21:02.000 Like, there's women that transition that are, like, brilliant. 1.00

01:21:06.000 You were saying the other day, just like, dumb men begin transition to women, and then they're suddenly like, these amazing women! 0.99

01:21:14.000 Yeah, that's what he is. 1.00

01:21:15.000 But they were, like, a dumb guy. 1.00

01:21:16.000 Yeah, he was a dumb guy. 1.00

01:21:17.000 He was a male Kardashian. 1.00

01:21:20.000 And then all of a sudden, he's like celebrating.

01:21:22.000 Oh, I'm the greatest woman of all time.

01:21:24.000 I want the woman of the year.

01:21:27.000 You know what?

01:21:28.000 But the best purpose that he serves, she serves for, though, is Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram feed.

01:21:33.000 Oh my god, so good.

01:21:35.000 That's another thing that Comedy Central cut out. 0.99

01:21:37.000 Comedy Central was doing a Kyle Dunnigan show where it was all like face swap shit. 0.99

01:21:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:41.000 And he had a bit where Caitlin was fucking Donald Trump and she was on top of Donald Trump. 0.99

01:21:47.000 It was goddamn hilarious. 0.99

01:21:49.000 He was showing it to me. 0.95

01:21:50.000 Yeah.

01:21:50.000 I was in the green room of the Comedy Store crying.

01:21:53.000 I mean, crying loud.

01:21:53.000 And then he's like, Comedy Central cut that.

01:21:55.000 I'm like, no!

01:21:56.000 No!

01:21:57.000 No, they said they can't do it.

01:21:58.000 What?

01:21:59.000 Like, what are you talking about?

01:22:00.000 I know.

01:22:01.000 You got a face swap show.

01:22:02.000 No one was naked.

01:22:03.000 She was just on top of Donald Ryan.

01:22:06.000 That show would have been so good.

01:22:08.000 He's genius.

01:22:09.000 He's genius.

01:22:10.000 Genius.

01:22:11.000 The funniest part, one of the funniest people I'll ever know.

01:22:13.000 For sure, the funniest ever Instagram feed.

01:22:16.000 Yes, agreed.

01:22:17.000 For sure.

01:22:17.000 Yes.

01:22:17.000 His Instagram feed is a monster.

01:22:19.000 Kyle Dunnigan.

01:22:20.000 Yep.

01:22:20.000 I go to it every couple of days.

01:22:22.000 Because it takes a while for him to create those things.

01:22:24.000 Yeah, I know.

01:22:24.000 That's how he's doing it every day.

01:22:25.000 Oh, I get so excited when he puts a new one up.

01:22:27.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:22:27.000 He's a monster. 0.99

01:22:27.000 Him and Tim Dillon on there make me laugh a lot. 0.99

01:22:30.000 Yes.

01:22:31.000 Yeah, Tim Dillon's awesome when he does Meghan McCain. 0.87

01:22:33.000 He's so fucking funny. 0.99

01:22:35.000 And Tim, because Tim is gay, because he's like this, he looks like he'd be a frat boy, but then you find out he's gay. 0.99

01:22:40.000 He's like, whoa, you can get away with a lot more. 0.95

01:22:42.000 Yeah, he really can.

01:22:44.000 Wow.

01:22:44.000 He is great.

01:22:45.000 And he's sober, which is crazy.

01:22:47.000 Because you're like, this guy's got to be on hard drugs when he's doing that Meghan McCain impression.

01:22:51.000 You're like, what kind of drugs is this guy on?

01:22:53.000 Nothing.

01:22:54.000 God, you're so right.

01:22:54.000 He's on air.

01:22:56.000 He's just breathing air and drinking water.

01:22:59.000 And he's keto now.

01:23:00.000 Oh yeah, he's keto.

01:23:02.000 Oh my god.

01:23:03.000 Yeah, well, he got freaked out by a couple people's health issues.

01:23:07.000 What, he's got a new one?

01:23:08.000 Oh, what is he doing here?

01:23:09.000 Oh my god, this was so horrific.

01:23:11.000 I want to thank Beachbody for making me their spokesperson.

01:23:14.000 I've been using their products since the beginning, and I'm a triathlete.

01:23:19.000 He's lost a lot of weight, though.

01:23:21.000 Yeah, good for him.

01:23:22.000 He's getting slimmer.

01:23:22.000 Good.

01:23:22.000 Look at him, keto.

01:23:23.000 So he got scared, you said?

01:23:25.000 Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he's very heavy.

01:23:28.000 He's a big guy. 0.99

01:23:29.000 He's very heavy, and, you know, he just was realizing he's a fucking Megan McCain. 1.00

01:23:33.000 Give me a Megan McCain. 1.00

01:23:34.000 Yeah, please.

01:23:35.000 Yeah.

01:23:35.000 As the only gal on the panel who held up a Boston Market this weekend, I'm gonna talk a little bit about guns, okay?

01:23:41.000 A lot of people in the media have never shot a gun, and they've certainly never masturbated with one. 0.99

01:23:45.000 They have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. 1.00

01:23:47.000 My gun's not for sale, but my pussy is. 1.00

01:23:50.000 And the price is P.F. Chang's. 1.00

01:23:51.000 My father and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard.

01:23:54.000 I would run around and they'd shoot at me, and my father said, if we hit her, the only thing that's gonna come out is whipped cream. 0.85

01:24:00.000 He was hilarious.

01:24:01.000 The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America and it's the only thing that's ever made me cum! 1.00

01:24:06.000 I like guns and I put them in my pussy! 1.00

01:24:08.000 You don't tell me what guns I can own or what people I can own! 1.00

01:24:13.000 He's fucking nuts. 1.00

01:24:14.000 You know she's seen that. 1.00

01:24:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:16.000 You know it.

01:24:16.000 You know she's seen that.

01:24:18.000 Poor Megan to have seen that. 1.00

01:24:20.000 Yeah.

01:24:21.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:22.000 He, yeah, he's, oh, we were talking about the, so anyway, I just decided not to do the jokes because I didn't want to upset her.

01:24:30.000 And it was, it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that.

01:24:35.000 Right.

01:24:35.000 Because I was preparing, but who cares?

01:24:38.000 I just didn't want to...

01:24:39.000 I don't want to make people feel bad.

01:24:41.000 I'm going to walk.

01:24:43.000 Come on.

01:24:44.000 What do you expect? 1.00

01:24:45.000 I mean, you had Alec Baldwin's fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is. 1.00

01:24:51.000 I know. 1.00

01:24:52.000 And you can't own up to the fact that you crashed into someone?

01:24:55.000 Yeah.

01:24:56.000 So did you make any jokes about her?

01:24:58.000 No.

01:24:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:00.000 I said...

01:25:01.000 I just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father at one point and abandoned one of her families to go do a reality show.

01:25:07.000 So I really leaned into that.

01:25:09.000 She did?

01:25:09.000 Yeah.

01:25:10.000 She had Brody Jenner and a couple others. 0.99

01:25:13.000 Who the fuck is Brody? 0.99

01:25:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:14.000 He's the most famous of her sons. 1.00

01:25:17.000 Oh, yeah?

01:25:17.000 But she had a whole family before the Kardashians that she didn't watch grow up, even though they were just like...

01:25:23.000 Down the road, down the PCH. Really?

01:25:26.000 Yeah.

01:25:26.000 Do you know that for a fact?

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:28.000 Yeah, it was like an episode of the Kardashians where she was like, I wasn't around for your lives.

01:25:33.000 But she was so nice.

01:25:35.000 When I was doing the jokes, she was so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning her family.

01:25:40.000 She was like, I love them!

01:25:42.000 Yeah.

01:25:44.000 Yeah.

01:26:06.000 But listen, I had a guy with my car once.

01:26:09.000 Did you?

01:26:09.000 Yeah.

01:26:10.000 I almost killed him. 0.83

01:26:10.000 It was terrible. 0.83

01:26:11.000 Was he walking?

01:26:13.000 No, he did not walk right after.

01:26:15.000 I mean, on the street when you hit him. 0.59

01:26:16.000 Garbage man picking up, collecting across the street, jumped out from the car, didn't see him.

01:26:20.000 I was 16, just had gotten my license, and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass.

01:26:25.000 I thought I killed him, and it was terrifying.

01:26:27.000 And he sued me four years later, right under the statute of limitations.

01:26:30.000 And I had to go to court, and then it came out on the stand that he was a child molester, and so I won.

01:26:35.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:26:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:37.000 I'm just kind of fucked. 1.00

01:26:38.000 Karma. 1.00

01:26:39.000 Yeah.

01:26:39.000 Yeah, you're karma.

01:26:40.000 I picked the right person. 1.00

01:26:41.000 You picked the right fucking person to hit with a car. 1.00

01:26:44.000 Holy shit, he's a child molester. 1.00

01:26:46.000 Have you ever almost killed someone? 1.00

01:26:47.000 No.

01:26:48.000 No, luckily.

01:26:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:50.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:26:51.000 Fuck, that's crazy. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Yeah, it's made me a better driver. 1.00

01:26:55.000 Although, one time, in a fight, in a martial arts fight, I knocked this guy out.

01:27:01.000 He never got up.

01:27:02.000 And I started thinking that that could be me.

01:27:05.000 Because they took him away to the hospital.

01:27:07.000 And I went back to talk to my instructor.

01:27:09.000 And he wasn't there.

01:27:10.000 It was in Anaheim, California.

01:27:11.000 And I was living in Boston.

01:27:13.000 We flew back to Boston after the tournament.

01:27:15.000 And he said to me, I heard you had a really good knockout. 1.00

01:27:18.000 You know, with his thick Korean accent.

01:27:20.000 And I said, yeah.

01:27:22.000 I go, it was really scary because he never got up.

01:27:26.000 I go, I thought he was dead.

01:27:28.000 And he goes...

01:27:31.000 Sometimes they die.

01:27:32.000 Jesus.

01:27:33.000 And he just walked away.

01:27:34.000 He used to train troops in Vietnam.

01:27:36.000 He was an intense guy.

01:27:38.000 And I was like, sometimes they die. 1.00

01:27:40.000 Holy shit, I'm them. 1.00

01:27:41.000 Them is me. 0.99

01:27:42.000 Whoa.

01:27:42.000 I could die.

01:27:43.000 I was 19. And I remember, I never thought about it the same way again.

01:27:47.000 I never thought about hitting someone the same way again.

01:27:50.000 Because it was one of those...

01:27:52.000 But like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot.

01:27:56.000 Like you hit them, they were running it.

01:27:58.000 He was coming at me and I kicked him with something called a wheel kick.

01:28:03.000 It has a crazy amount of power.

01:28:05.000 You spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot.

01:28:08.000 My heel hurt for days.

01:28:10.000 I was limping, walking from hitting his head.

01:28:14.000 Yeah, it was rough.

01:28:16.000 Have you ever been hit in a way that you're like, that could be?

01:28:19.000 No, no, no.

01:28:20.000 I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit, but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that.

01:28:24.000 That was a bad one.

01:28:26.000 He was like face planted.

01:28:27.000 He was snoring.

01:28:28.000 I've seen a lot of people get knocked out like that.

01:28:30.000 Have you checked on him recently?

01:28:32.000 I have no idea who he is.

01:28:33.000 Wow.

01:28:34.000 I have no idea what happened to him.

01:28:36.000 You gave him CTE probably.

01:28:38.000 100%.

01:28:38.000 Murdered his whole family at this point.

01:28:40.000 No. 0.57

01:28:40.000 100% he got brain damage. 0.57

01:28:42.000 What?

01:28:43.000 100%.

01:28:44.000 What?

01:28:45.000 100%.

01:28:45.000 Whoa, Joe.

01:28:46.000 There's no way he didn't.

01:28:47.000 Oh my god.

01:28:49.000 There's no way he didn't.

01:28:49.000 But could that happen to you?

01:28:51.000 Of course it could have happened.

01:28:53.000 Absolutely.

01:28:54.000 Could it happen to you now in the way that you're fighting?

01:28:56.000 I don't do it anymore.

01:28:57.000 I do jiu-jitsu now.

01:28:58.000 Right.

01:28:59.000 But jiu-jitsu's not striking.

01:29:01.000 Jiu-jitsu's not, it's not like kick.

01:29:03.000 And this was not like sparring.

01:29:04.000 This was a fight.

01:29:05.000 This was in the U.S. Nationals.

01:29:07.000 Wow.

01:29:07.000 I was the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion.

01:29:10.000 I think he was from Illinois.

01:29:11.000 And so he was the Illinois state champion. 0.99

01:29:14.000 Did you get so much pussy back then from winning fights? 1.00

01:29:18.000 Were there groupies? 1.00

01:29:19.000 No, there was no groupies.

01:29:20.000 No?

01:29:21.000 No. 1.00

01:29:21.000 I got the opposite of pussy. 1.00

01:29:22.000 I was always training. 1.00

01:29:25.000 I wasn't doing anything. 0.74

01:29:27.000 I wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the dojo. 0.65

01:29:31.000 Because it was sacred? 0.95

01:29:32.000 Yeah, I was teaching there.

01:29:34.000 So like...

01:29:35.000 She was horny and she was trying to hook up with me. 1.00

01:29:37.000 I had to go up there to do something, clean or something. 0.72

01:29:40.000 I forget what I had to do.

01:29:41.000 But she was trying to hook up. 1.00

01:29:42.000 I'm like, I can't.

01:29:42.000 You're like, don't.

01:29:43.000 We can't do this here.

01:29:44.000 This is never going to happen here. 1.00

01:29:46.000 Which is like, I would fuck her in an alleyway. 1.00

01:29:50.000 I would have fucked her on a bus if no one was looking. 1.00

01:29:52.000 But not in the dojo. 1.00

01:29:53.000 Not there.

01:29:54.000 No.

01:29:55.000 It's actually in Korean.

01:29:56.000 It's called dojang. 0.98

01:29:57.000 They would call it dojang. 1.00

01:29:59.000 But no, I didn't get any pussy. 1.00

01:30:01.000 I mean, other than my girlfriend at the time. 0.99

01:30:02.000 And then when you start comedy, like so much...

01:30:05.000 Dude, it's crazy.

01:30:07.000 That was the crazy thing.

01:30:08.000 It's like, all of a sudden, girls actually like me?

01:30:10.000 Like, instead of me liking them and them rejecting me? 0.89

01:30:13.000 Because I was basically a loser.

01:30:15.000 You know, even though I was like a successful martial artist, I had no money and no future prospects, and there was no promise to me.

01:30:23.000 You know?

01:30:23.000 It's like, where's this guy going?

01:30:25.000 Did you see this for yourself, eventually?

01:30:27.000 Like, not exactly this, obviously, but like...

01:30:29.000 No, just being happy, successful.

01:30:32.000 No.

01:30:32.000 You really felt like a loser?

01:30:34.000 Like, what the fuck am I going to do? 0.99

01:30:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:35.000 Wow. 0.99

01:30:36.000 I used to have extreme social anxiety, believe it or not.

01:30:38.000 How did that manifest itself?

01:30:40.000 I was telling people about the bank teller thing was a weird one for me.

01:30:44.000 I always got super nervous talking to bank tellers.

01:30:46.000 I got to be in line.

01:30:47.000 There's like three people in front of me.

01:30:48.000 I'm like, three more people and I'm going to talk to the lady. 1.00

01:30:51.000 Two more people.

01:30:52.000 I've got to talk to the lady. 1.00

01:30:53.000 I'd get weirded out.

01:30:54.000 I had pretty extreme social anxiety, I think.

01:30:58.000 I just didn't have good self-esteem. 0.88

01:31:00.000 I just thought I was a loser.

01:31:02.000 And then what made you do stand-up? 0.70

01:31:05.000 Well, I had friends from my martial arts days that talked me into it.

01:31:09.000 And said you were funny.

01:31:11.000 Because I would make them laugh when we were on our way to competitions.

01:31:14.000 Everybody was so nervous.

01:31:16.000 Because these were full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time.

01:31:20.000 My friends got knocked unconscious. 0.99

01:31:22.000 I've seen so many people get fucked up. 0.98

01:31:25.000 And everybody would be tense. 0.99

01:31:26.000 So I would be the guy who broke the ice.

01:31:29.000 I would be making everybody laugh.

01:31:30.000 It was like gallows humor.

01:31:31.000 I'd make everybody laugh.

01:31:32.000 And then my friend Steve, who I'm still dear friends with to this day, Steve Graham, he said, you should be a comedian.

01:31:41.000 And I was like, there's no way, man.

01:31:43.000 You think I'm funny because you're my friend. 1.00

01:31:45.000 I go, the things that I think are funny, everybody else is going to think I'm an asshole. 1.00

01:31:49.000 Like, it's just fucked. 1.00

01:31:50.000 My sense of humor is fucked up. 1.00

01:31:52.000 But he talked me into it. 0.99

01:31:54.000 And then I went to an open mic night. 0.99

01:31:55.000 And then I realized that, oh, open mic nights, everyone sucks. 0.98

01:31:58.000 Like, you're just trying to start out. 0.98

01:32:01.000 We're all amateurs.

01:32:02.000 So my thought was like, well, at least I won't be as bad as the worst guy.

01:32:06.000 You know, I'll probably be better than the worst guy.

01:32:08.000 So maybe I could try this.

01:32:10.000 And then I went up and I did it.

01:32:11.000 And then once I did it once, I knew I was going to do it.

01:32:14.000 When did you stop feeling like a loser? 0.83

01:32:16.000 A couple weeks ago. 0.94

01:32:17.000 Yeah.

01:32:18.000 Yeah.

01:32:20.000 Even then I'm not convinced.

01:32:22.000 Do you secretly feel, like, do you, are you insecure still?

01:32:26.000 Do you struggle with self-esteem at all?

01:32:28.000 No.

01:32:28.000 Currently?

01:32:28.000 Not really.

01:32:29.000 Not anymore.

01:32:30.000 But I used to definitely have imposter syndrome.

01:32:33.000 You know, like, even when things are really good, like, I'd go to a sold-out theater and, like, they'd introduce my name and, like, as I was walking out...

01:32:40.000 And people were cheering.

01:32:41.000 I'd be like, this is not real.

01:32:43.000 This does not seem real. 1.00

01:32:45.000 I'm tricking these fucking people once again. 1.00

01:32:47.000 And even when it was over, I'd be like, oh, tricked them again. 1.00

01:32:51.000 It's weird.

01:32:52.000 I think that's healthy, though, because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity, it's...

01:32:59.000 It's a crazy state.

01:33:01.000 It's not supposed to exist.

01:33:02.000 You're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10,000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour. 0.99

01:33:09.000 I mean, that is fucking bananas. 0.99

01:33:10.000 It doesn't exist in nature. 0.99

01:33:12.000 It's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage.

01:33:16.000 So, if you thought, like, that's normal...

01:33:19.000 And you deserve it, and it's not special and strange, then I think that that would be weird.

01:33:24.000 Right.

01:33:24.000 To think it's special and strange always, but appreciate it.

01:33:28.000 I think that's the way to do it.

01:33:29.000 Yes.

01:33:29.000 Appreciate it.

01:33:30.000 I mean, I know I can do it, but the reason why I know I can do it is because I do it all the time, and I work really hard at it.

01:33:35.000 Yeah.

01:33:35.000 So I know I show up.

01:33:37.000 I know I have my act ready.

01:33:39.000 I know I'm prepared.

01:33:40.000 I don't take it lightly.

01:33:41.000 Yes.

01:33:42.000 It means a lot to me.

01:33:43.000 I feel the same way.

01:33:45.000 If I've worked hard enough...

01:33:47.000 I feel like I deserve it.

01:33:48.000 But if I don't, if I've had a lazy week and I'm performing and I'm making big bucks for a big deal and I haven't even looked at my set list or just...

01:33:58.000 I feel guilty and I feel impostery.

01:34:02.000 The way that I combat imposter syndrome is like I had a therapist one time say, who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people? 0.99

01:34:08.000 You think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all of them? 0.99

01:34:12.000 So I try to remind myself of that when I think... 1.00

01:34:15.000 This audience doesn't fucking know how untalented I am. 0.97

01:34:17.000 They're just here because they think I'm something. 0.99

01:34:20.000 I go, who do you think?

01:34:21.000 You think you're smarter than these people?

01:34:22.000 These are smart people.

01:34:23.000 They know what they like.

01:34:25.000 Well, your audience is smart people, but let's be honest.

01:34:27.000 There's a lot of dummies out there that have a big audience. 1.00

01:34:31.000 They've tapped into a whole river of fucking idiots. 1.00

01:34:33.000 Yes. 1.00

01:34:34.000 That's real too.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:35.000 The idea that just because you have a lot of people coming to see you that you're really good, that's nonsense.

01:34:39.000 No.

01:34:39.000 You have to be good.

01:34:41.000 People always are like, other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings, and I'm like, dumb people need to laugh too. 0.99

01:34:49.000 It's like dumb movies. 0.99

01:34:51.000 Yeah, sure, dumb movies. 0.99

01:34:52.000 Everyone needs entertainment. 0.99

01:34:54.000 How many Maeda movies are there? 0.99

01:34:57.000 Like fucking 80 of them, right? 0.99

01:35:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:00.000 You ever try to watch one of those things? 0.99

01:35:01.000 No.

01:35:02.000 It'll give you brain damage.

01:35:03.000 Yeah.

01:35:03.000 Yeah, it'll change your life.

01:35:04.000 Have you actually tried?

01:35:06.000 Yes.

01:35:06.000 Yeah.

01:35:07.000 We should watch some clips.

01:35:08.000 Yeah.

01:35:10.000 I mean...

01:35:11.000 But there's movies that are like, look, I don't mean to pick on that guy.

01:35:14.000 I mean, he's doing great.

01:35:16.000 Used to be a homeless person.

01:35:17.000 Now he's just got a star on the Walk of Fame.

01:35:19.000 Congratulations to him.

01:35:20.000 It's not my kind of movie, but obviously a lot of people love it.

01:35:23.000 There's a lot of movies that are for little kids that if you watch them, they're terrible.

01:35:27.000 Like, I watch movies with my kids, and I was like, Jesus Christ, this movie is awful.

01:35:32.000 And they're like, ah!

01:35:33.000 Yeah.

01:35:34.000 It's not for you.

01:35:35.000 It's for nine-year-olds.

01:35:36.000 Yes.

01:35:36.000 They think it's hilarious.

01:35:37.000 So not everything's going to be for you.

01:35:39.000 And I think, yeah.

01:35:40.000 I just have to, instead of getting mad, like, why is that person so successful?

01:35:44.000 I would just go, well, their audience needs that.

01:35:47.000 And they're not going to enjoy you.

01:35:49.000 They can't.

01:35:50.000 And not because they're not smart enough.

01:35:51.000 It's just like, I don't speak to them.

01:35:53.000 And I can't speak to everyone.

01:35:54.000 And that's frustrating. 0.98

01:35:55.000 Wondering why other people are successful is the refuge of losers. 0.98

01:36:02.000 It's a loser mentality. 0.99

01:36:03.000 It's a loser occupation. 0.99

01:36:05.000 It's a loser practice. 0.95

01:36:08.000 Because you're wondering why other people are successful. 1.00

01:36:11.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:36:13.000 You can say you think it sucks, but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on someone for being successful... 1.00

01:36:21.000 It doesn't do any good. 0.76

01:36:22.000 It's like, what is that old expression that jealousy is...

01:36:26.000 It's a poison that does the opposite of its intended.

01:36:30.000 It doesn't affect the other person at all, but it poisons yourself.

01:36:33.000 It wastes your energy and time.

01:36:36.000 It just is so...

01:36:37.000 It's so indicative that you are insecure.

01:36:41.000 Yes. 1.00

01:36:41.000 It's like people don't realize what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit. 1.00

01:36:45.000 You're just like, ugh, this is just showing me that you fucking don't like yourself. 0.99

01:36:49.000 Well, I figured out, there's something that I figured out personally, and that I try to relay this, and I try to be more clear and more concise the way I relay it. 0.98

01:36:58.000 The way I look at it is that your mind, you have a certain amount of bandwidth.

01:37:04.000 This is why I don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments.

01:37:09.000 I don't have any time.

01:37:10.000 If I read them, it's an accident.

01:37:12.000 But to seek them out, you have bandwidth.

01:37:16.000 I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things or hating on someone or being jealous.

01:37:22.000 You have, let's say, let's call it units.

01:37:24.000 You have 100 units of bandwidth in your mind. 0.99

01:37:27.000 So that means there's 100 units that you can spend on things you care about, or you could let your mind be occupied by some stupid fucking Twitter feud that you're in with some idiot that you don't even know, and you could spend 30% of your mind bandwidth on this, 0.99

01:37:44.000 and then you only have 70% for the things you love. 1.00

01:37:47.000 And then maybe you're involved in some fucking relationship with someone who's an idiot and you're arguing back and forth with them. 1.00

01:37:53.000 Well, there's another 30% that's gone. 1.00

01:37:55.000 Now you have 40% left.

01:37:57.000 You have 40% for the things you love instead of 100%.

01:38:00.000 But if you only concentrate on the things you care about that mean something to you and learn how to do that, like you were talking about meditation, it's a form of meditation because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps and the ditches on the side of the road.

01:38:14.000 That can suck your bandwidth.

01:38:17.000 You can give them just a little bit and go, okay, no, no, no.

01:38:20.000 Or you could lean in.

01:38:21.000 Like how you're saying when you stopped drinking, all of a sudden your career took off.

01:38:25.000 You started doing well because you had more bandwidth.

01:38:28.000 And you had less problems.

01:38:30.000 This problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed.

01:38:34.000 So now all of a sudden it frees up your time and you realize, oh my god, there's so many funny things that I could talk about.

01:38:39.000 And I have so much energy and I'm so healthy.

01:38:42.000 I could just go on stage and have fun and then you're killing it.

01:38:45.000 When was the last thing that you go, no, no, you maybe gave it a little too much bandwidth?

01:38:50.000 Do you still struggle with those things?

01:38:52.000 No, not really anymore, but it's been a gradual process.

01:38:56.000 You had to have been a jealous dude in stand-up.

01:38:59.000 When you first started out, you had to have hated the guy that was getting ahead.

01:39:03.000 I don't know any male comic...

01:39:06.000 I definitely was in the beginning.

01:39:07.000 And what happened to that?

01:39:09.000 You get successful and it didn't happen?

01:39:11.000 No, no. 1.00

01:39:11.000 Before I was successful, I realized it was stupid. 1.00

01:39:14.000 Long before. 1.00

01:39:15.000 Because when I was like an amateur, I would see guys that were killing and I'd be like, fuck him. 0.99

01:39:22.000 Why is he doing good? 1.00

01:39:23.000 That guy sucks and this guy sucks. 1.00

01:39:26.000 How come he got this and he got that? 1.00

01:39:28.000 And then I remember thinking, this is a gigantic waste of time.

01:39:33.000 And I got into comedy because I'm a fan of comedy. 0.80

01:39:36.000 And my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me zero good.

01:39:43.000 But instead, if someone does well, I can be inspired and I can get fired up by it. 0.69

01:39:49.000 I mean, I figured this out in my early 20s.

01:39:51.000 I was like, okay, I have a poor way of looking at it.

01:39:53.000 Because it's a martial arts thing.

01:39:55.000 Because in martial arts, you can't be jealous of someone else's ability.

01:40:01.000 You have to realize you might have to fight them someday.

01:40:04.000 So by realizing that they're really good, you're forced to be objective about it.

01:40:09.000 And you have to go to work. 1.00

01:40:11.000 Like you have to go, fuck, that guy's better than me. 1.00

01:40:13.000 I gotta get better. 1.00

01:40:13.000 And you have to go to work. 1.00

01:40:16.000 There's no...

01:40:17.000 There's no positive benefit in underestimating someone. 1.00

01:40:21.000 Underestimating someone will get you fucking killed. 1.00

01:40:24.000 Like, literally. 1.00

01:40:24.000 You're gonna get a shin smashed into your face. 1.00

01:40:27.000 Like, you don't want to ever underestimate someone.

01:40:29.000 Convincing yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for aren't really as good. 0.62

01:40:34.000 That will get you killed. 0.98

01:40:36.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:40:37.000 You get brained.

01:40:37.000 That's it, dude.

01:40:38.000 That's totally it, because the things that I get jealous of, and I'm better about it now than I've ever been, but you see other women. 0.93

01:40:46.000 I mean, my jealousies are always with other women. 0.99

01:40:48.000 It's just the way it is, and I have to fight it, and I'm really good about it now to be actually inspired by women who are funnier than me, but...

01:40:56.000 That's awesome.

01:40:57.000 And to use it to be like, okay, then I need to be better.

01:41:00.000 I need to get up to that level.

01:41:01.000 I need to go home and write.

01:41:03.000 It fires me up as opposed to like, why?

01:41:06.000 And it's powerful for everybody.

01:41:07.000 It's powerful for them.

01:41:08.000 It's powerful for you.

01:41:09.000 Yes.

01:41:10.000 It's like there's no negative aspect to it.

01:41:12.000 It's like you should be thankful that there's women out there that make you feel uncomfortable. 1.00

01:41:15.000 When I see someone just murder on stage, fuck, I want to go to work. 1.00

01:41:19.000 I want to go write. 1.00

01:41:20.000 I want to get home and write.

01:41:21.000 I want to go perform. 1.00

01:41:24.000 I'm like, fuck, that guy just killed. 1.00

01:41:25.000 Or holy shit, she just crushed. 1.00

01:41:27.000 She's out there killing it. 1.00

01:41:28.000 He's doing so good.

01:41:30.000 It makes me want to work harder.

01:41:32.000 And in that sense, as long as someone's not doing anything bad, as long as someone's not victimizing someone, what they're doing is they're showing you that it's possible to do better than you're doing.

01:41:43.000 Yeah.

01:41:43.000 And that's good.

01:41:44.000 You need to know that.

01:41:46.000 The second you get comfortable and you think you're the best, then there's nothing to...

01:41:49.000 Well, I'm sure you've gone into a town and there's local comedians.

01:41:53.000 And there's a guy who's a funny local guy and he's terrible. 0.99

01:41:56.000 Because the community sucks. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:58.000 Because there's no one there.

01:41:59.000 There's no one pushing them. 0.98

01:42:00.000 We fucking need each other. 0.98

01:42:01.000 I know. 1.00

01:42:01.000 That's why New York has so many killers. 1.00

01:42:03.000 That's what happened. 0.99

01:42:04.000 And LA has so many killers.

01:42:05.000 Because there's so many of us.

01:42:06.000 Whenever I go back and forth to different coasts, it's like you just...

01:42:10.000 The styles are so different, but when I moved to New York, you had to follow Dave Attell.

01:42:16.000 You're gonna rise.

01:42:17.000 Yeah, you have to.

01:42:18.000 You have to, or you're gonna drown.

01:42:20.000 Yes.

01:42:20.000 So I'm always encouraged by being around better people.

01:42:24.000 I always want to follow...

01:42:25.000 When people are like, I don't want to follow Attell, I don't want to follow Chappelle, or whatever, it's like...

01:42:29.000 No, I do.

01:42:30.000 You have to.

01:42:31.000 Because it's a challenge, and yeah, it's inspiring.

01:42:35.000 I wanted to get back to the fact that I wanted to think of what's the last thing that derailed you in terms of bandwidth you were about to answer.

01:42:42.000 Like, what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life?

01:42:44.000 It's not a one instance, but it's a slow progression.

01:42:48.000 And also...

01:42:50.000 My career, I became successful during the time that the internet came to be.

01:42:57.000 So it was all happening.

01:42:59.000 People being able to comment on you and say things, that was all a completely new thing.

01:43:04.000 And everyone had to learn how to navigate those waters.

01:43:06.000 Because at first I would treat people that were saying something online like a heckler.

01:43:10.000 If someone would heckle you and say something, then you'd be like, what? 1.00

01:43:15.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:43:16.000 And then you would own them, right? 1.00

01:43:18.000 In the early internet days, that's what people did.

01:43:21.000 They would have these flame wars, they would call it, where people would just go back and forth with each other.

01:43:26.000 It was a sport.

01:43:27.000 There was a lot more of that.

01:43:28.000 Yes.

01:43:29.000 Well, it's a waste of time.

01:43:30.000 Not only is it a waste of time, then you realize, like, no, this isn't a heckler.

01:43:33.000 This is a, like, you're getting a message.

01:43:36.000 The world can't hear it.

01:43:38.000 Like, so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and then put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this altercation with this other person. 0.99

01:43:46.000 It's fucking pointless. 0.98

01:43:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:43:48.000 We see it all the time with people. 0.99

01:43:50.000 People get sucked into these traps.

01:43:52.000 I see it with fighters.

01:43:54.000 Like UFC fighters all the time, they get in these fights with fans.

01:43:57.000 Like someone will say something to them and they'll reply and then everyone's like, oh, I got them to reply to me.

01:44:02.000 And it's a waste of time.

01:44:04.000 And it just took a while to realize, for me, what's positive and what's negative.

01:44:09.000 It doesn't mean I'm immune to criticism or that I don't deserve criticism.

01:44:12.000 Like everybody does.

01:44:13.000 And there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you were going to say it.

01:44:23.000 Yeah.

01:44:23.000 That's just part of being a person.

01:44:25.000 But to engage constantly in swimming into the deep waters of other people's criticism and opinions, random internet people, it's like, goddammit, that's so much bandwidth.

01:44:39.000 It's so much.

01:44:41.000 So much.

01:44:41.000 You could use 100% of your bandwidth on that.

01:44:44.000 And some people do. 0.99

01:44:45.000 Some people go goddamn crazy. 0.98

01:44:46.000 I've met people that are just like Googling themselves and reading their own internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy. 1.00

01:44:59.000 It gets in, no matter how much you're like, fuck this guy. 0.96

01:45:02.000 I was doing a live Instagram yesterday on the way to the airport, just talking to some fans, and one guy was like, wow, you look a lot better with makeup. 1.00

01:45:14.000 Because I was like, no makeup on, looked like shit. 1.00

01:45:17.000 And I go, fuck you. 1.00

01:45:20.000 I got him out of there. 1.00

01:45:21.000 And I go, I'm gonna be honest with you guys, it's gonna bother me the rest of the goddamn day. 0.92

01:45:26.000 Because this guy just said what I actually think about myself that no one actually is saying to me. 0.90

01:45:32.000 And that's when it hurts.

01:45:34.000 It's like when someone nails something about you that you're like, I secretly think, but it's probably just me.

01:45:38.000 No one else sees it.

01:45:40.000 And I had to admit, like, I was gonna think about that later and it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it to everyone's attention.

01:45:50.000 Right.

01:45:51.000 It's so much...

01:45:52.000 Since the last time I was here, and we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or hot or whatever it is, I've let a lot of that go, but it's still there.

01:46:05.000 It's really hard to overcome.

01:46:07.000 And you're a hot dude.

01:46:08.000 I mean, how do you let go of that as you age?

01:46:12.000 I mean, you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit.

01:46:20.000 I think it's different for a man than it is for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hot wives because the ugly dudes are successful. 1.00

01:46:28.000 There's very few ugly women with hot husbands because the guys are gay. 1.00

01:46:35.000 Because why would a man ever be with a woman less attractive than him? 0.98

01:46:38.000 Well, there's men that are with women that are less attracted with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor.

01:46:45.000 That's real. 0.84

01:46:46.000 But the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have with hot women, like Lil Duval, okay? 0.99

01:46:57.000 You know, Lil Duvall, I fucking love that dude. 0.99

01:46:59.000 He's got something on his Instagram. 0.95

01:47:01.000 Pull this up.

01:47:01.000 It's this guy in a tub, and he's like this older dude, and he's got this young lady that's sitting on his lap in front of him, and she's asking him what she likes in him.

01:47:14.000 I'll just play this out. 0.95

01:47:15.000 We'll play this, because it's fucking hilarious. 0.95

01:47:18.000 Play this. 0.98

01:47:18.000 Watch this. 0.98

01:47:20.000 Just listen to this.

01:47:22.000 Your personality, your attitude, you're physically attractive, and it takes a lot of things to make a person to like somebody, okay?

01:47:33.000 You need physical attraction, you need a base.

01:47:35.000 I can tell you're a sensitive, caring person by talking to you, and only I can learn more about you is by doing things with you.

01:47:44.000 And I like to try and do that.

01:47:45.000 Now listen.

01:47:46.000 Well, I'm just saying I just want to be taken care of and...

01:47:50.000 I want to go to like the Chanel store.

01:47:53.000 That's not a problem.

01:47:55.000 I don't want to bathe in suits in Kmart.

01:47:58.000 That was your choice because you wanted to bathe in suits.

01:48:02.000 No!

01:48:02.000 No, because there's like, we're not too far from all those stores where there's like better stores.

01:48:08.000 I just, I'm not going to find anything that fits me in Kmart.

01:48:13.000 Okay, so you're going to take me shopping, right?

01:48:16.000 You got it.

01:48:18.000 To good stores.

01:48:20.000 What do you like about us?

01:48:24.000 He's like insider as we're having this conversation.

01:48:26.000 So he's like almost 70, it looks to me.

01:48:28.000 Yes.

01:48:29.000 And not really a handsome Robert Redford 70. No, she's doing everything to not look at him.

01:48:33.000 And she looks like she's about 30 and lean and her tits are floating above the water. 1.00

01:48:38.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:48:38.000 Holla. 0.98

01:48:39.000 Yeah, see?

01:48:40.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:48:41.000 That's possible.

01:48:42.000 That's real.

01:48:43.000 That's real.

01:48:44.000 Flip that?

01:48:44.000 Flip that.

01:48:45.000 No way.

01:48:46.000 It doesn't exist.

01:48:46.000 Doesn't exist anywhere.

01:48:48.000 Seven-year-old lady with a hot, lean, young man.

01:48:51.000 Ugh.

01:48:52.000 Joe, I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me.

01:48:55.000 Well, you're young still.

01:48:56.000 I know, I'm 35, but I've been having...

01:48:58.000 Oh, well, young guys like a mature woman who's still hot, who's physically fit and smart and interesting.

01:49:06.000 I feel weird about it, though. 0.98

01:49:08.000 Like a dirty lady? 1.00

01:49:09.000 I know. 1.00

01:49:10.000 I feel fetishized.

01:49:12.000 Ooh.

01:49:12.000 Right?

01:49:13.000 Like I'm an old lady.

01:49:14.000 I don't want anyone to be like cougar.

01:49:15.000 How old are you?

01:49:16.000 35. 35. And I've got like 22-year-olds, 20-year-olds.

01:49:21.000 It's getting pretty low.

01:49:22.000 Smash them.

01:49:23.000 Really? 0.98

01:49:23.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:24.000 Get on top.

01:49:25.000 Choke them. 1.00

01:49:27.000 Make them choke you. 0.98

01:49:28.000 I don't know.

01:49:28.000 Whatever you're into.

01:49:29.000 No, well, I don't have...

01:49:30.000 Fetishize, but it's not weird.

01:49:32.000 I just don't want to be an old... 1.00

01:49:34.000 I don't want them to only like me because...

01:49:36.000 You think too much.

01:49:36.000 I know, what?

01:49:37.000 You think way too much. 1.00

01:49:38.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:49:40.000 Yeah, you think way too much. 1.00

01:49:41.000 How do I stop? 1.00

01:49:41.000 I don't know, but about that kind of shit, like, just enjoy it. 1.00

01:49:44.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

01:49:45.000 That's also one really positive aspect of drinking. 1.00

01:49:49.000 I mean, I'm telling you, dude.

01:49:51.000 If I still drank, I would hook up so much.

01:49:53.000 Yeah, you'd be like, how old are you?

01:49:55.000 19. Come eat mama's pussy. 1.00

01:49:57.000 I really miss drinking. 1.00

01:50:00.000 You're so right.

01:50:02.000 I think so much because, man, that was the only way I used to have sex was to drink.

01:50:07.000 And now it's just so difficult for me.

01:50:09.000 Now you have to find something you actually like.

01:50:11.000 And then that's scary because that could be intimacy.

01:50:14.000 So I am stuck between intimacy and banging.

01:50:18.000 And I haven't had sex since May.

01:50:20.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:50:21.000 And before that, even longer.

01:50:24.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:50:24.000 I've only slept with one person over the past six years. 0.71

01:50:27.000 It's October.

01:50:28.000 It's October.

01:50:29.000 June, July, August, September.

01:50:35.000 Five months.

01:50:36.000 Five months of my literal best looking year of my life wasted.

01:50:42.000 I don't understand that.

01:50:44.000 Are you meeting guys? 0.97

01:50:46.000 It's not that I can't have sex.

01:50:48.000 It's that I won't let myself because I get too attached to people and I feel like it's...

01:50:54.000 So you worry that if you do have sex with them that it's going to be too much?

01:50:58.000 They'll stop watching my Instagram story the next day and I will be so sad. 0.63

01:51:03.000 You should not have an Instagram story.

01:51:05.000 That way you won't have that problem.

01:51:06.000 Well, they'll stop texting me.

01:51:08.000 They'll stop.

01:51:10.000 Something will stop and I will feel so, so sad.

01:51:13.000 And I'm avoiding that sadness of sleeping with someone too soon.

01:51:18.000 I feel like I'm a doctor here. 0.99

01:51:19.000 And it just, yeah, it sucks. 0.94

01:51:22.000 Yeah, I think you're just interacting with the wrong people. 0.95

01:51:25.000 Yeah.

01:51:26.000 I mean, I don't know who's the right person for you.

01:51:30.000 You never really can tell.

01:51:32.000 No, you can't.

01:51:33.000 You just know when it happens.

01:51:35.000 Tell me about your wife.

01:51:37.000 She's just a super nice person.

01:51:39.000 How did you meet her?

01:51:40.000 Met her at a bar.

01:51:41.000 Really?

01:51:41.000 Where?

01:51:42.000 Texas.

01:51:43.000 And, oh God, it's like Matt Damon.

01:51:45.000 That's how he met his wife.

01:51:47.000 I don't know why.

01:51:47.000 I just love to know how people met their wives.

01:51:49.000 You have to find someone, first of all, that's going to be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic, right?

01:51:55.000 Yeah.

01:51:55.000 Unless you're dating other comics.

01:51:56.000 Which I am.

01:51:58.000 Well, that's good, I guess.

01:52:00.000 Yeah, everyone's like, don't do that.

01:52:01.000 I'm like, well, how am I not going to?

01:52:03.000 Tom Segura and Christina Pazizki, one of the best couples.

01:52:05.000 Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero, great couple.

01:52:07.000 Bonnie and Rich, great.

01:52:08.000 Yes, great couple.

01:52:09.000 Great couple.

01:52:10.000 It's possible.

01:52:11.000 Yes.

01:52:11.000 And obviously, there are people that are going to understand you.

01:52:13.000 Yes.

01:52:14.000 And understand what you do.

01:52:15.000 But, like, a regular dude is going to have a problem with you being the funny one.

01:52:19.000 Like, a lot of dudes have a problem, you know?

01:52:23.000 But some people are fine with it.

01:52:25.000 Like Eliza.

01:52:26.000 Eliza's husband, he's a chef.

01:52:28.000 He's super chill.

01:52:29.000 He's great.

01:52:29.000 That guy's awesome.

01:52:30.000 I know.

01:52:31.000 He really is.

01:52:31.000 But he's so chill.

01:52:32.000 He just hangs.

01:52:33.000 It's a perfect compliment to her personality.

01:52:36.000 She's so brash and outrageous and she's so powerful and he's this mellow dude who's hanging out.

01:52:45.000 It's like they work together.

01:52:47.000 He's not a weak man.

01:52:48.000 He's just calm.

01:52:50.000 And they work together.

01:52:51.000 You've got to find someone like that.

01:52:53.000 You've got to find someone who compliments your personality in a way.

01:52:57.000 But it's just like I don't know how you meet someone like that when you're a girl comedian.

01:53:02.000 I think women comedians, it's a unique requirement that you have for other people. 1.00

01:53:09.000 Because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention, right?

01:53:13.000 The man wants to be the alpha.

01:53:14.000 They want to be the one who's talking.

01:53:16.000 Like, clink, clink, clink.

01:53:17.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Bob's going to give a toast. 1.00

01:53:20.000 You want to be that asshole. 1.00

01:53:22.000 And when you've got a wife or a girlfriend who's fucking way funnier than you, not only is she funnier than you, she's fucking funny professionally. 1.00

01:53:29.000 Yeah, funnier than... 0.97

01:53:33.000 Everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics too.

01:53:37.000 People are like, you need a comedian.

01:53:38.000 I'm like, I'll be funnier than them too.

01:53:40.000 It's hard.

01:53:41.000 It is hard.

01:53:42.000 And you're so right about that. 1.00

01:53:45.000 I see how much pussy men get thrown at them doing stand-up. 1.00

01:53:49.000 Even I get wet for stand-ups. 1.00

01:53:51.000 I know the tricks. 0.76

01:53:53.000 And I'll be watching a guy killing.

01:53:56.000 There's so much attraction.

01:53:58.000 When you see an audience all watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and controlling their emotions, you just get wet for it.

01:54:09.000 It's cavewoman brain. 1.00

01:54:10.000 He's our tribe leader.

01:54:12.000 He's the leader. 1.00

01:54:13.000 I need to fuck him. 1.00

01:54:14.000 He's going to protect me during wartime. 1.00

01:54:16.000 That's the difference between men and women because men don't get that when a woman talks. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:54:20.000 Go knit something. 1.00

01:54:22.000 Who's this bitch up there talking? 1.00

01:54:23.000 She'll be in the kitchen. 1.00

01:54:24.000 Yeah, I remember Theo Vaughn telling me recently, he was like, I hated your comedy.

01:54:28.000 And I'm like, what?

01:54:29.000 He's like, I did not like you.

01:54:30.000 And I go, well, I've always been funny, so I don't understand.

01:54:33.000 And you're funny, so funny knows funny.

01:54:36.000 He's like, it wasn't that.

01:54:36.000 It was just like your voice reminded me of my mom or something.

01:54:40.000 It's just my mom's always yelling at me. 0.99

01:54:41.000 And I was like, there it is.

01:54:43.000 And he even was like, I can't believe I'm saying this to you.

01:54:45.000 And I was like, I like it because, yes, we remind you of your mom's. 1.00

01:54:49.000 Female comics, if you've had an overbearing mom telling you like it is, what it is all the time, I would be like, shut the fuck up, ladies. 1.00

01:54:56.000 I would hate female comics if I had an overbearing mother. 1.00

01:55:00.000 So I empathize with that. 0.99

01:55:02.000 Theo is so crazy, though. 1.00

01:55:02.000 He's so fucking crazy. 1.00

01:55:04.000 He's so crazy. 1.00

01:55:05.000 He's funny, though. 1.00

01:55:07.000 He's just so ridiculous. 0.99

01:55:08.000 He is so funny. 0.99

01:55:10.000 Well, he's so funny, like, he's so Theo.

01:55:12.000 Like, I don't know anybody that has his style, even remotely.

01:55:16.000 His style is so uniquely him.

01:55:18.000 It's so hard to be that unique.

01:55:20.000 And you watch him and you're like...

01:55:21.000 Yeah.

01:55:23.000 This isn't cultivated.

01:55:24.000 This isn't...

01:55:25.000 It's who he is.

01:55:26.000 It's just who he is, how he...

01:55:28.000 And he was able to...

01:55:29.000 That's not easy to do, is be as funny as you are with your friends on stage.

01:55:33.000 And he's worked really hard at it.

01:55:35.000 And he's just...

01:55:36.000 He's nailed it.

01:55:36.000 Man.

01:55:37.000 Well, he's just...

01:55:39.000 I don't know.

01:55:39.000 He's just got this thing that when he's funny, like Brody had this thing.

01:55:44.000 Yes.

01:55:45.000 Like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper, it's not funny. 0.99

01:55:48.000 But you see them in person and you're fucking dying.

01:55:51.000 They just figure out a rhythm of comedy that just didn't exist before them. 0.97

01:55:57.000 Yeah.

01:55:57.000 Brody, it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him to like...

01:56:02.000 That people saw for the first time where he would do late night...

01:56:06.000 He wasn't the Brody that we all talk of as...

01:56:09.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:56:10.000 Well, those late night spots...

01:56:11.000 They're never...

01:56:12.000 No one understands.

01:56:13.000 You have to be in the room, first of all. 0.98

01:56:14.000 You have to realize that this is a fucking 2 o'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8 p.m. 0.99

01:56:19.000 Yes. 0.99

01:56:20.000 I mean, and...

01:56:21.000 Also, like...

01:56:22.000 And I don't know if you'll agree with this, but my take on stand-up is...

01:56:26.000 Even anybody that's...

01:56:27.000 Even the most brilliant comedian...

01:56:29.000 When you watch them on a special...

01:56:32.000 It's 70% as funny as if you see them live.

01:56:36.000 Maybe.

01:56:37.000 Always.

01:56:38.000 Might be less.

01:56:39.000 Might be less.

01:56:39.000 Might be 60% as funny.

01:56:41.000 Joe, you're nailing it.

01:56:41.000 Yeah.

01:56:42.000 I've never liked someone more on a special than I've seen them live.

01:56:46.000 Impossible.

01:56:47.000 When you're there, there's a crackling in the air when someone's on stage.

01:56:51.000 There's a feeling when you're in the room with them, and they're saying it live.

01:56:56.000 Part of what stand-up is, is it's happening right in front of you. 0.99

01:57:01.000 When you watch a Netflix special, you know that shit took place in May. 0.98

01:57:05.000 If someone watches Bang It, I'm sure it's hilarious. 0.99

01:57:07.000 But you know it happened in May.

01:57:10.000 You're not in the room.

01:57:11.000 It's a recreation.

01:57:13.000 It's a recreation of something.

01:57:17.000 I forget how great stand-up can be sometimes to just watch.

01:57:21.000 I do my set and I leave.

01:57:23.000 Sometimes you have to hang out and watch people.

01:57:25.000 It's so good.

01:57:25.000 It's great.

01:57:26.000 I fucking love it. 0.95

01:57:28.000 It's so good. 0.98

01:57:28.000 I still love it. 0.98

01:57:29.000 You're always watching.

01:57:30.000 You're good about that.

01:57:31.000 I watch it and I try to blow up people that are coming up.

01:57:35.000 Yeah.

01:57:35.000 Like up and coming people.

01:57:36.000 Yeah.

01:57:36.000 Same.

01:57:37.000 Yeah.

01:57:37.000 We were watching.

01:57:38.000 How do you pronounce her last name?

01:57:40.000 Laura Beetz? 0.56

01:57:42.000 Is that how you say her last name?

01:57:42.000 I don't know.

01:57:43.000 I've never heard of her.

01:57:43.000 It's on my Instagram page the other day.

01:57:45.000 Me and Kreischer.

01:57:47.000 We did a set in the main room.

01:57:48.000 Sold out set in the main room.

01:57:49.000 And then how do you say her last name?

01:57:52.000 Jesus Christ, she's funny, though. 0.98

01:57:54.000 She was performing in front of 12 fucking people in the OR, and Bert and I said, let's just sit down and watch some comedy for a while. 0.99

01:58:00.000 And she's murdering. 1.00

01:58:02.000 And Adam Egott had been telling me about her.

01:58:05.000 I guess it might be Lara.

01:58:06.000 L-A-R-A-B-E-I-T-Z. B-E-I-T-Z. Fucking murderer. 1.00

01:58:13.000 Yes! 1.00

01:58:13.000 She's a murderer. 1.00

01:58:14.000 And so while she was on stage... 0.98

01:58:18.000 There's 12 people in the audience, and the audience doubled during the time she was on stage.

01:58:22.000 L-A-R-A-B-E-I-T-Z is her Instagram.

01:58:25.000 Oh, I love it! 1.00

01:58:26.000 I'm telling you, the fucking play, we were dying. 1.00

01:58:29.000 Yes! 1.00

01:58:29.000 She was murdering. 1.00

01:58:30.000 Look at what you did.

01:58:31.000 That's awesome, dude.

01:58:33.000 1.30 a.m.

01:58:34.000 spot.

01:58:35.000 Dude, I gotta see her.

01:58:37.000 I mean, that's what the Comedy Store's all about.

01:58:40.000 Yeah.

01:58:40.000 It's like, one day, you're gonna see that girl, she's gonna have a Netflix special.

01:58:44.000 Yes. 0.97

01:58:44.000 And you're gonna say, I remember, I was at the fucking Comedy Store, it was 1.30 in the morning, the show, like, we were thinking about leaving, and this lady went up and murdered. 0.97

01:58:53.000 Stand-up is so great. 0.99

01:58:54.000 It's the best!

01:58:55.000 I'm so lucky I stumbled into it.

01:58:57.000 But if you took that clip and then made a video out of it and put it on YouTube and a tiny little screen and watched it on your phone, you're not going to get the real feeling that Burt and I got sitting in the back of the room watching her.

01:59:07.000 No.

01:59:07.000 You're just not going to get it.

01:59:08.000 You've got to go see Comedy Live. 1.00

01:59:10.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:59:10.000 That's what basically specials are, right? 1.00

01:59:12.000 They're like ads.

01:59:13.000 Yeah.

01:59:14.000 We're showing people how good we are so they'll come see us live.

01:59:18.000 Yes.

01:59:18.000 But it's way better live.

01:59:20.000 But ads are never as good as the movie.

01:59:23.000 I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy.

01:59:29.000 To tell people to go to shows alone?

01:59:31.000 Always.

01:59:32.000 Why?

01:59:32.000 Because, dude, so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't find friends to go and they feel like losers if they go alone.

01:59:40.000 Really?

01:59:41.000 Yeah.

01:59:41.000 A lot of people don't do things because they think, oh, if I can't find a date or I can't find a friend, then I'm not going to go.

01:59:49.000 So many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people, go alone because I think it's so cool.

01:59:53.000 It's also better because you don't have to check in on whoever you brought with you.

01:59:57.000 Sometimes you just are like, I don't want to go alone, so you pick a bunch of people that you're like, what if they don't enjoy it and you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's That you're like, oh no, they think I relate to that too much and you're worried the whole time. 0.96

02:00:09.000 When you go alone, you're fucking free. 0.90

02:00:12.000 You think too much. 0.99

02:00:12.000 I'm thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone. 0.99

02:00:18.000 Go alone.

02:00:19.000 It's so cool.

02:00:20.000 I've never thought that once.

02:00:22.000 You think so much, Joe Rogan.

02:00:24.000 I never thought that.

02:00:24.000 You're all about thinking.

02:00:26.000 Yeah, but I mean, go by yourself if no one wants to go with you, but if not, go with your friends.

02:00:31.000 But what if you don't have friends?

02:00:32.000 Get some friends.

02:00:33.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:00:35.000 Some people don't have friends, Joe.

02:00:37.000 They should have friends.

02:00:37.000 I know.

02:00:38.000 They should make friends.

02:00:39.000 Get some friends.

02:00:39.000 Well, I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone.

02:00:43.000 Boy, how do you find them?

02:00:44.000 Maybe you try to make friends with someone and they're with their wife. 1.00

02:00:46.000 You're like, hey, you fuck. 1.00

02:00:47.000 Get away. 1.00

02:00:49.000 She's in the bathroom.

02:00:51.000 Trying to make friends with people that are with somebody else.

02:00:54.000 Hey, man, this isn't a place to make friends.

02:00:55.000 It's a place to see a show.

02:00:57.000 Well, my shows are.

02:00:58.000 I just connected two people last night that are going alone to my show.

02:01:01.000 Do you know who has the record of the most people that buy single tickets?

02:01:06.000 Who?

02:01:06.000 Marc Maron.

02:01:07.000 Oh, that makes sense.

02:01:08.000 Totally makes sense.

02:01:09.000 Yeah.

02:01:10.000 I want to eclipse him.

02:01:11.000 Because he's kind of alienated.

02:01:12.000 He's that guy, you know?

02:01:14.000 Yeah, he's alone in a shed.

02:01:15.000 Connects with people.

02:01:16.000 He's not in the shed anymore.

02:01:17.000 He got a new spot.

02:01:18.000 Oh, okay.

02:01:19.000 Yeah.

02:01:19.000 Moving on up, like the Jeffersons.

02:01:22.000 But that's a thing.

02:01:24.000 Like, I've had people say, hey, if I come to your show by myself, am I a loser?

02:01:27.000 I'm like, no!

02:01:27.000 I've gone to things by myself.

02:01:29.000 Yes.

02:01:29.000 Go to things by yourself.

02:01:30.000 Nothing wrong with it.

02:01:31.000 Go to things by yourself.

02:01:32.000 But also, find some friends.

02:01:34.000 It's so hard.

02:01:35.000 Some people don't have friends.

02:01:36.000 They just need to do something where they'll find camaraderie in what they do.

02:01:39.000 It's one of the things about jujitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jujitsu, they find friends that also do jujitsu.

02:01:46.000 You become friends with these people that are into this difficult thing.

02:01:49.000 Listen, I'm sold on jujitsu. 0.93

02:01:51.000 I haven't met a damn person who's tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it. 0.95

02:01:55.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:01:56.000 It's awesome.

02:01:58.000 And good self-defense for the ladies, right? 1.00

02:02:01.000 Very good for the ladies. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Like the best self-defense.

02:02:03.000 The best of all of them?

02:02:05.000 Yes.

02:02:05.000 Because look how small your hands are.

02:02:07.000 Yeah.

02:02:07.000 You're not going to punch somebody in the face and hurt them.

02:02:09.000 No.

02:02:09.000 It's just too many men are too big, too hard.

02:02:11.000 But you can defend yourself with jiu-jitsu.

02:02:13.000 You'll understand grappling.

02:02:15.000 And if you get a hold of someone's neck, you can choke them unconscious.

02:02:17.000 Really?

02:02:18.000 100%.

02:02:18.000 Yeah.

02:02:19.000 Yeah.

02:02:19.000 If I let you wrap your arms around my neck and I show you how to do it and I don't resist, you can put me to sleep.

02:02:24.000 Really.

02:02:25.000 Wow.

02:02:25.000 Yeah.

02:02:26.000 Legitimately, especially with your legs.

02:02:28.000 Like, women who know how to use their legs correctly, and they learn how to choke people with their legs, a guy tries to get on top of you, you could strangle him. 1.00

02:02:35.000 Yeah.

02:02:35.000 I don't have any defense technique in my backpack.

02:02:39.000 Like, I have nothing.

02:02:40.000 If a guy attacked me, I'm always just like, well, I'm just dead.

02:02:42.000 Like, I need to learn something.

02:02:44.000 Just be annoying.

02:02:45.000 Just start just berating him.

02:02:48.000 Done it.

02:02:49.000 It's working.

02:02:51.000 Yeah.

02:02:52.000 That's what I'll do.

02:02:53.000 I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him. 1.00

02:02:56.000 And be like, you're only attacking me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women and I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off and now you're trying to rape me. 1.00

02:03:09.000 Who's killing now? 0.99

02:03:11.000 If you go to a jiu-jitsu class, maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy.

02:03:15.000 I think so.

02:03:16.000 More secure.

02:03:17.000 That's what I like about your Sober October, the challenge to do a new class where you're like, it's maybe not an athletic adventure, but what are you going to learn?

02:03:29.000 Well, yesterday we did gun lessons.

02:03:31.000 I loved your caption about that.

02:03:35.000 It was really good.

02:03:36.000 Where you said it's something where I'm like, I got a lot to learn and you like it.

02:03:40.000 It was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years.

02:03:45.000 I mean, I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on a range, which I think was about 10 years ago.

02:03:51.000 I shot rifles.

02:03:53.000 The last time I even shot a rifle, though, was a few years ago, like two or three years ago, I think.

02:03:58.000 So it was...

02:03:59.000 And I mean, obviously, I'm a real beginner when it comes to that.

02:04:03.000 And with pistols, I'm a super beginner.

02:04:04.000 I didn't know anything.

02:04:06.000 So all these folks at this Terran Tactical place were showing Tommy and I how to do it right.

02:04:10.000 And it's like, it's a real wake-up call. 0.99

02:04:13.000 Like, you really don't know what the fuck you're doing. 0.98

02:04:14.000 And it's something where there's a good, giant... 0.98

02:04:19.000 Area that you can improve in.

02:04:21.000 Knowing nothing.

02:04:23.000 I know how to squeeze the trigger.

02:04:25.000 I know the sight is here.

02:04:26.000 You line it up.

02:04:27.000 Pull the trigger.

02:04:28.000 Don't jerk the trigger.

02:04:29.000 Just pull it. 0.55

02:04:30.000 But learning it correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you're supposed to stand and how you're supposed to lean in and watching men and women do it correctly and show you.

02:04:41.000 And you're like, oh, okay, okay, okay.

02:04:43.000 Like, woo, this is good.

02:04:45.000 This is something I don't know anything about.

02:04:46.000 It's It's so exciting when you get one little nugget and it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like, I would have never figured that out on my own with millions of years of practice.

02:04:56.000 That's exciting.

02:04:57.000 That's why Jiu Jitsu is so good.

02:04:58.000 Jiu Jitsu is an ocean.

02:04:59.000 It unlocks.

02:05:00.000 It's an ocean of possibilities.

02:05:02.000 And you're just getting your toes wet on the first day and you're like, oh my god, there's so much to learn.

02:05:08.000 I'm going to a voice doctor right now because I don't want to ruin my instrument, which I'm now starting to look at it as an instrument that I was never taught how to play. 0.99

02:05:17.000 I'm just freestyling on this fucking saxophone. 0.98

02:05:21.000 We don't get lessons for our voice. 1.00

02:05:24.000 Right, right.

02:05:25.000 Have you ever taken any?

02:05:26.000 No, but it's a good idea though.

02:05:27.000 I mean, you talk so much.

02:05:29.000 Have you ever lost your...

02:05:30.000 Do you lose your voice ever?

02:05:31.000 No.

02:05:32.000 Okay, well then you're probably talking the right way.

02:05:33.000 I yell a lot too.

02:05:34.000 Yeah, but you probably scream in a really efficient way or yell in an efficient way.

02:05:39.000 I think you just have strong vocal cords.

02:05:41.000 Yeah, I mean, I'm learning stuff that I'm like, whoa, I didn't even know.

02:05:46.000 Like, there's three places where your voice can come from.

02:05:48.000 Your throat, your mouth, and your nose.

02:05:51.000 And I'm talking all throat, and that's why I'm getting polyps developing.

02:05:55.000 You're getting polyps?

02:05:55.000 I mean, I'm getting stuff, growths on it.

02:05:57.000 Really?

02:05:57.000 Because I don't know how to talk.

02:05:58.000 And it's just, my vocal cords are slamming all day, and they develop calluses after they slam.

02:06:03.000 And those are like the...

02:06:04.000 And I'm going to have to have them surgically removed.

02:06:06.000 I'm going to lose my voice if I don't...

02:06:08.000 They're like, you're here right in the nick of time.

02:06:10.000 So I do voice exercises every day, and I'm loving it.

02:06:13.000 I start out, I go...

02:06:15.000 Wait.

02:06:16.000 Wait a minute.

02:06:20.000 Now that's opening up your throat and it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of the sound.

02:06:30.000 So it's your nose and your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your, that makes the air.

02:06:38.000 Okay.

02:06:42.000 Then you go...

02:06:44.000 And you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate.

02:06:48.000 Feel it in your face. 1.00

02:06:51.000 Right now people are screaming at their fucking... 1.00

02:06:53.000 They're fucking hating this, and you should. 0.99

02:06:57.000 So yeah, I'm just in my house going, never Monday, never Monday, never Monday. 0.99

02:07:02.000 Never Monday, never Monday, never Monday, never Monday.

02:07:05.000 That's still a little throaty.

02:07:07.000 Home.

02:07:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:07:09.000 It's learning.

02:07:11.000 But it's like, I never thought about it.

02:07:14.000 It's changing everything.

02:07:15.000 Do you know how to play an instrument?

02:07:16.000 No.

02:07:17.000 No interest?

02:07:17.000 None.

02:07:18.000 Me neither.

02:07:19.000 I mean, I would like to know, but...

02:07:20.000 If I did, I would get into it.

02:07:22.000 That's the problem.

02:07:23.000 Yeah.

02:07:23.000 And I don't have any time.

02:07:25.000 You don't have any time.

02:07:26.000 No. 0.83

02:07:26.000 I feel like this is a practical application for learning how to shoot people. 0.83

02:07:30.000 Yes.

02:07:30.000 Yeah, it's probably good.

02:07:32.000 It's good to know.

02:07:33.000 Yeah, you're entertaining people enough.

02:07:34.000 You don't need to add a guitar.

02:07:35.000 Well, I just...

02:07:36.000 I don't want to get obsessed.

02:07:38.000 That's my...

02:07:39.000 You can't have interest because you don't have time.

02:07:43.000 Why get crazy?

02:07:44.000 Because you'll get obsessed.

02:07:45.000 I'm crazy.

02:07:46.000 Like, that's my crazy.

02:07:47.000 I'm not a junkie.

02:07:49.000 Like, you put heroin in front of me, I have no interest.

02:07:52.000 But if there's something that's interesting and it's hard to do, the problem is I get obsessed with things.

02:07:56.000 Like, really obsessed.

02:07:57.000 It takes over my whole day.

02:08:00.000 What was the last one?

02:08:01.000 Archery.

02:08:01.000 Archery was the last one.

02:08:02.000 Yeah, bow hunting.

02:08:04.000 And do you still practice it?

02:08:05.000 All day.

02:08:06.000 I've got two ranges in the studio.

02:08:08.000 I've got a game out there.

02:08:10.000 Have you seen the game?

02:08:11.000 The techno hunt game?

02:08:12.000 No.

02:08:12.000 I'll show it to you.

02:08:13.000 Okay. 0.99

02:08:14.000 There's a fucking archery game where there's a Kevlar screen and I have these different broadheads that are flat at the end like the head of a nail. 1.00

02:08:22.000 Don't call it more than that. 0.99

02:08:23.000 Broadheads?

02:08:24.000 No, broads.

02:08:25.000 Broad's a weird one, right?

02:08:26.000 Like, is that a negative?

02:08:27.000 Some chicks like it. 1.00

02:08:28.000 I love it.

02:08:29.000 It's like, it's fun.

02:08:30.000 She's a classy broad.

02:08:30.000 Yeah, it's not negative.

02:08:31.000 Sounds like a powerful 80s lady. 1.00

02:08:33.000 Yeah, broad's not like, uh, like, what's a negative?

02:08:36.000 I mean, other than, like...

02:08:37.000 Slit.

02:08:38.000 Hole.

02:08:38.000 Oh, I've never heard of slit.

02:08:40.000 Yeah, you're just a couple of slits.

02:08:42.000 I've heard hole before.

02:08:44.000 That's what Opie and Anthony used to call the girl who was on the morning... 0.96

02:08:47.000 The third chair.

02:08:48.000 Yeah.

02:08:48.000 Oh, God.

02:08:49.000 The hole.

02:08:51.000 As a whole, I feel...

02:08:51.000 Figuratively and literally, because there was holes in the show, because when they would talk, the only reason why they were there was they were a woman.

02:08:58.000 Yes.

02:08:59.000 Someone like, we need a woman on the show, so they'd get some chick, and she would just say, I just feel like you guys are not letting me talk.

02:09:05.000 Guys!

02:09:05.000 Oh, God.

02:09:06.000 Yeah.

02:09:07.000 I've been on shows where the girl was a hole. 1.00

02:09:10.000 Yeah, I have too. 1.00

02:09:11.000 But I've been on shows where the guy was a fucking hole too. 0.99

02:09:13.000 Oh yeah, there's a lot of just holy shows. 0.99

02:09:15.000 Those shows are kind of dying.

02:09:17.000 I know.

02:09:18.000 They're dying.

02:09:19.000 Because of this.

02:09:20.000 Those morning shows, because of this.

02:09:21.000 Because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laugh.

02:09:23.000 Well, there's no reason to listen to them. 0.99

02:09:26.000 And then every fucking 15 minutes, there's some new goddamn commercial for fucking Tom's Dodge. 1.00

02:09:31.000 Yep. 1.00

02:09:31.000 You know, hey, this is Tom and Tom's fucking Dodge show. 1.00

02:09:35.000 Hey, so you come! 0.99

02:09:36.000 Yeah.

02:09:37.000 Woo! 0.99

02:09:38.000 And you get so bored. 0.98

02:09:40.000 You get so bored listening to their nonsense.

02:09:42.000 You just nailed it, and you just sold me a Dodge. 0.67

02:09:43.000 Hey! 0.99

02:09:44.000 Get yourself a Dodge!

02:09:46.000 Dodge Ram!

02:09:47.000 It's on a discount!

02:09:48.000 Yeah, but those morning shows, you would go to those shows, and some would be really cool.

02:09:54.000 Some of them would be awesome.

02:09:56.000 But then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic, but they were scared.

02:10:01.000 But they knew that you needed them to sell tickets, so they were kind of country with you.

02:10:05.000 Yes, yes.

02:10:07.000 Do you remember that?

02:10:07.000 I go in, I take those shows over to show them how it's done.

02:10:12.000 I want to show your listeners what real comedy is and what actual jokes are.

02:10:16.000 Do you have to go to those anymore?

02:10:18.000 Do you still do those?

02:10:19.000 I still love doing them.

02:10:20.000 Do you?

02:10:21.000 Really?

02:10:21.000 I'm a morning person.

02:10:22.000 I get up.

02:10:23.000 I like to make the rounds.

02:10:24.000 I like to go in.

02:10:26.000 I learned from Burt Kreischer.

02:10:27.000 He was the first person.

02:10:28.000 He was a headliner when I was working with him as a feature act back in West Virginia.

02:10:34.000 Sorry, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, Dayton.

02:10:38.000 Where else were we?

02:10:39.000 We were all over.

02:10:40.000 I was always working with him just randomly.

02:10:42.000 Richmond, Virginia.

02:10:44.000 He would take me to radio, which he did not need to do.

02:10:46.000 But he was like, you want to come tomorrow?

02:10:48.000 And I'm like, as a feature act, sure.

02:10:49.000 And I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show and make it his own. 0.98

02:10:54.000 And they fucking loved him. 0.99

02:10:57.000 And he would sell more tickets. 0.99

02:11:00.000 And he was having fun doing it.

02:11:02.000 And so when I do morning TV or do radio, I always just go.

02:11:06.000 I'm my freest self.

02:11:07.000 And I feel...

02:11:09.000 They're always like, oh, she's out of control. 0.96

02:11:12.000 Because you say anything on there and it's like, dump button!

02:11:16.000 You just go in.

02:11:18.000 I go on TV shows with no makeup. 1.00

02:11:20.000 I look like faces of meth whenever I'm going onto a fucking market. 1.00

02:11:25.000 I literally look so disgusting. 1.00

02:11:27.000 I can't care anymore because no one's watching these morning TV shows. 0.79

02:11:31.000 And I go in with no makeup.

02:11:32.000 The lighting is so bright.

02:11:33.000 Everyone's wearing so...

02:11:34.000 All the women look... 1.00

02:11:35.000 I look like a man because...

02:11:37.000 Without makeup on, as a woman on TV, you look like a man. 1.00

02:11:42.000 You just do, because women wear too much makeup. 1.00

02:11:44.000 So by comparison, you look like a man.

02:11:46.000 And I just go in, and sometimes I just have an open sore on my face.

02:11:51.000 I feel so free doing those shows.

02:11:53.000 I think I'll do it as long as they ask me.

02:11:56.000 Really?

02:11:56.000 Yeah, I like it.

02:11:57.000 Even when you're selling out arenas and shit, you still go back? 0.93

02:11:59.000 Oh, maybe not then. 0.98

02:12:00.000 Maybe just some of my favorites, like the good ones.

02:12:03.000 But I get a kick out of it.

02:12:05.000 I love radio.

02:12:06.000 Bert and Tom know how to take over a morning show.

02:12:09.000 Those morning TV shows.

02:12:11.000 Yes.

02:12:11.000 Do you ever see Tom would go on as this character, DJ Dadmouth?

02:12:16.000 No.

02:12:17.000 Yeah, he would tell them that he's poly and bi and non-binary.

02:12:22.000 And he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and he would wear gold chains.

02:12:26.000 Oh my gosh.

02:12:27.000 Because he was so bored and the shows were already sold out.

02:12:30.000 So they were making him do these things because they had relationships with the local TV stations.

02:12:35.000 And this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials.

02:12:38.000 This is one. 1.00

02:12:40.000 Shut up! 1.00

02:12:43.000 Oh my god, there's multiples! 1.00

02:12:44.000 You're right!

02:12:45.000 DJ Dadmouth!

02:12:46.000 DJ Dadmouth has a big announcement.

02:12:49.000 I love this!

02:12:50.000 And DJ Dadmouth does the weather.

02:12:52.000 He did it everywhere. 0.98

02:12:53.000 And the people that were working these shows did not know what the fuck he was talking about. 0.99

02:12:59.000 He would say, yeah, I'm coming out as poly. 0.99

02:13:01.000 I'm poly.

02:13:02.000 I'm coming out as non-binary.

02:13:04.000 He would come out.

02:13:05.000 That is so...

02:13:06.000 You're right.

02:13:07.000 It's completely out of boredom because these shows are so boring.

02:13:10.000 Look at the fur coat with the hood and the giant rope chain.

02:13:14.000 I like that he had to travel with this.

02:13:17.000 Yes, and the sunglasses.

02:13:17.000 He planned for this.

02:13:20.000 And the fucking interviews were hilarious because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency. 0.99

02:13:26.000 They are the least entertaining people in all of show business. 1.00

02:13:29.000 And they panic whenever there's any fucking dead air. 0.99

02:13:31.000 They don't know what to do. 0.98

02:13:33.000 He would say something and be like, I don't even know what that means.

02:13:38.000 It's so bad.

02:13:40.000 Yeah, it's rough. 1.00

02:13:42.000 Yeah, you don't do that shit anymore. 0.99

02:13:44.000 I don't do anything. 1.00

02:13:45.000 You don't do...

02:13:46.000 Yeah, you don't...

02:13:47.000 Why don't you go on talk shows and stuff?

02:13:49.000 Why?

02:13:49.000 You just don't care?

02:13:50.000 No.

02:13:50.000 Because I can talk too much.

02:13:52.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:13:52.000 If anybody wants to know what my opinions are, I'm fucking saying them constantly. 0.98

02:13:56.000 Constantly. 0.99

02:13:57.000 I don't need any more attention.

02:13:59.000 I want less attention.

02:13:59.000 I would need 10% less attention.

02:14:01.000 Okay.

02:14:02.000 New question.

02:14:03.000 New.

02:14:04.000 New direction.

02:14:06.000 Okay.

02:14:06.000 Being famous.

02:14:08.000 Okay.

02:14:08.000 Going out places.

02:14:10.000 What's it like for you?

02:14:11.000 Is it what you wanted?

02:14:12.000 Is it what you expected?

02:14:13.000 There was some part of you that wanted to be famous at some point in your life.

02:14:17.000 I think you want to be famous because you want to be successful.

02:14:20.000 In the beginning, people are paying attention to other people.

02:14:22.000 Why aren't they paying attention to me?

02:14:24.000 Oh, look, Jerry Seinfeld's in the room.

02:14:26.000 Nobody even cares if I'm alive.

02:14:28.000 I wish they cared that I was here.

02:14:30.000 But then once you get it, you go, oh, then you lose your anonymity, and then it's weird.

02:14:35.000 And then people react to you differently.

02:14:37.000 One of the things my wife said to me, I go, that guy seems like a nice guy.

02:14:42.000 She goes, listen, everybody's nice to you.

02:14:45.000 She goes, you don't even realize it. 0.99

02:14:47.000 I see people act like assholes to other people, and then you come in here, and they act like a totally different person. 0.99

02:14:52.000 I love that she said that. 0.99

02:14:53.000 She's hilarious. 1.00

02:14:54.000 My wife says some funny shit. 1.00

02:14:56.000 She's funnier than me. 1.00

02:14:57.000 Like, in terms of, like, social situations, she's the funny one.

02:14:59.000 Because I'm not, like, I don't try to be funny.

02:15:02.000 But she does.

02:15:04.000 Like, she gets a kick out of it.

02:15:06.000 When social situations, she'll have a couple of drinks, and she's the one that, like, takes over. 0.62

02:15:10.000 But she's just got good timing.

02:15:12.000 Like, one time I'm...

02:15:13.000 I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscle. 1.00

02:15:20.000 Yeah.

02:15:20.000 So I'd get these deep tissue massages from dudes.

02:15:23.000 But, you know, it was just when we were staying in a hotel, I got a massage and I came back upstairs and said, fuck, I left my wedding ring back down there. 0.98

02:15:30.000 So I went back down to the locker room to get my wedding ring and she goes, where was it? 1.00

02:15:34.000 In his ass? 1.00

02:15:34.000 Ha ha ha ha! 1.00

02:15:36.000 But it's the way she said it.

02:15:37.000 Like she was actually curious.

02:15:39.000 And then she knows she got a zinger off.

02:15:41.000 It's so good.

02:15:42.000 And then I'm dying laughing.

02:15:43.000 So she thinks it's awesome.

02:15:45.000 Yeah.

02:15:46.000 So she said she noticed.

02:15:48.000 Like if you didn't know better, you'd probably think she's the comedian.

02:15:51.000 Yeah.

02:15:52.000 Like when we're out.

02:15:52.000 That's good.

02:15:53.000 But that's one of the reasons why it works.

02:15:55.000 Yeah.

02:15:55.000 You know?

02:15:56.000 Because you need a funny...

02:15:57.000 But she doesn't want attention, but she likes being funny with us. 0.91

02:16:00.000 She just gets a kick out of it.

02:16:02.000 It's fun for her.

02:16:03.000 It's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally, but she might want to play with her friends.

02:16:07.000 That's an ideal partner for a comedian, I believe.

02:16:11.000 But she notices that people are nicer to you.

02:16:13.000 And you...

02:16:14.000 I mean, you have dealt...

02:16:16.000 You've seen the shift.

02:16:18.000 Everyone's nice now, suddenly.

02:16:20.000 And it's not that the world's just gotten nicer.

02:16:22.000 You've just gotten more famous.

02:16:24.000 How do you...

02:16:25.000 Do you...

02:16:26.000 What about when you're in public and you find people videotaping you?

02:16:30.000 You can sense it when you know that they know who you are.

02:16:34.000 This is a funny thing that people do.

02:16:36.000 They hold their camera up like you don't know.

02:16:38.000 They're looking down at the phone and you're talking to your friend and they're filming it.

02:16:42.000 Do you say anything or do you just let it happen?

02:16:44.000 Come on, man.

02:16:45.000 I'm just a human, dude.

02:16:47.000 I'm just a human that more people know.

02:16:49.000 Don't be weird.

02:16:50.000 You want to take a picture?

02:16:51.000 We take a picture together.

02:16:52.000 Don't be just filming and pretending you're not filming.

02:16:55.000 It's just too strange.

02:16:56.000 My friend Sturgill said that he was at an airport and some dude was just holding a phone up while him and his friends were talking.

02:17:03.000 And he goes, come on, man.

02:17:05.000 He goes, hey, it's the price you pay.

02:17:06.000 He's like, no, it's not.

02:17:08.000 There's nothing written anywhere.

02:17:10.000 The price you pay is you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend and you stick a phone in front of us and film us while we're talking.

02:17:15.000 That's just weird.

02:17:17.000 But it's just...

02:17:18.000 It's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person.

02:17:23.000 One of the good things about LA is they're used to famous people.

02:17:26.000 There's so many famous people out here.

02:17:27.000 You see them all the time.

02:17:29.000 And it's like you know they're going to be around, so you're like, oh, there's Nikki.

02:17:33.000 It's normal.

02:17:34.000 It's like a safari.

02:17:35.000 The animals are in their natural habitat.

02:17:37.000 It's normal.

02:17:38.000 It is cool to see a cheetah, but there's others.

02:17:40.000 Right. 0.96

02:17:40.000 But if you're in, you know, fucking Louisville and you're walking around and you try to go to a bar, it might get weird. 0.96

02:17:48.000 Things might go Western. 0.98

02:17:49.000 Yes.

02:17:49.000 And you've been to Louisville in a bar.

02:17:51.000 Yeah.

02:17:52.000 And you've had to leave that bar.

02:17:53.000 Yeah, I've had a few of those moments.

02:17:55.000 But most of the time, people are just friendly.

02:17:56.000 You just shake their hand.

02:17:58.000 And, you know, I have a like the kind of fame I have is like people know me.

02:18:04.000 It's a weird kind of fame.

02:18:05.000 It's like because of the podcast, they know me.

02:18:07.000 Oh, they know you so well.

02:18:08.000 It's not like Daniel Day-Lewis where you have no idea what he's like.

02:18:13.000 Like, I'm going to go talk to him.

02:18:14.000 I wonder what he sounds like.

02:18:15.000 I wonder what he talks like.

02:18:16.000 That's a really good point.

02:18:17.000 Yeah.

02:18:17.000 They know you.

02:18:18.000 I mean, I've had guys ask me out or propose that we should date because they're like...

02:18:25.000 There was this one guy recently who discovered me in one day and he knew he was going to see me that night at the meet and greet at the show.

02:18:32.000 And I think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago.

02:18:36.000 So he saw that and he was like, oh my god, she's in Irvine tonight.

02:18:39.000 And he bought a meet and greet ticket and he listened to me all day.

02:18:42.000 He was like, I listened to you on Rogan for three hours, then I listened to this podcast.

02:18:45.000 I mean, he was listening to me all day.

02:18:47.000 So for him, we spent a whole day together where I was telling him all my deepest insecurities.

02:18:52.000 I mean, I get real on these things and people...

02:18:55.000 Feel connected to you.

02:18:56.000 And then he comes to the meet and greet and his energy is so strong and like, we should be together type energy.

02:19:01.000 Like, he didn't say that, but he's just like...

02:19:04.000 I just go, this guy spent all day with me, and I don't know him at all. 0.98

02:19:07.000 And I knew that going in, and I kind of just shoot him.

02:19:10.000 We took a picture, it was nice, but I was like, he came the next night again, because you could tell he went home and was like, I blew it, my one shot.

02:19:17.000 And he bought a meet and greet again, which I'm like, you sat through this show again? 0.99

02:19:20.000 It's the same fucking show? 0.97

02:19:21.000 And he had a second chance, and he tried to touch me low on my way, and I just took his hand like, get up. 0.99

02:19:26.000 No.

02:19:27.000 But they feel like they know you. 0.99

02:19:29.000 But that's a weird thing, when someone tries to touch you low on your waist, like right by your butt, and they can't wait to touch your butt. 0.98

02:19:35.000 They're like, let me just touch the top of her butt. 1.00

02:19:37.000 I'm grateful that anyone even thinks I have an ass worthy to touch, because I have such a flat ass, so when it does get touched, I'm kind of like, flattered. 0.99

02:19:45.000 But, don't do it. 0.98

02:19:47.000 I don't like it.

02:19:48.000 It ultimately makes me feel not good at all. 0.98

02:19:51.000 I mean, my friend Andrew will be watching me, because it's happened so many times where guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture. 0.98

02:19:58.000 And it's... 0.98

02:19:59.000 And no one ever sees it.

02:20:00.000 I'll have security guards watching, and I'll be like, well, you just watch for men touching me in weird places, because it's always weird for me to call out, because it's in front of their wife, and I don't want to embarrass them and make it a thing.

02:20:10.000 So I just go like, I'd rather someone else call it out, and security guards will watch, and I'll walk up to them and be like, did you not see that guy?

02:20:16.000 And they're like, no, I was watching.

02:20:17.000 And I'm like, it's so stealthy and subtle, the way that a guy can put his thing, just his...

02:20:24.000 This is what they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like like their hand will like oh I'm just my hands just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does is just like god man you don't respect me I just was on stage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet the whole time I demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me it just makes me feel gross I don't know if it's that they don't respect you,

02:20:49.000 it's that they're trying to get away with it.

02:20:50.000 They think like, maybe she won't even notice, so I just let my hand go limp and just go down her thigh. 0.56

02:20:56.000 But don't they want me to notice?

02:20:58.000 So I'm like...

02:20:59.000 I don't know.

02:21:00.000 Maybe.

02:21:00.000 Depends on the person.

02:21:02.000 Yeah, but it happens, and with women, it happens a ton. 1.00

02:21:08.000 Women, definitely, like... 1.00

02:21:09.000 Do you know who grabs me?

02:21:11.000 Older ladies that are drunk. 1.00

02:21:13.000 Yes. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Older ladies that are drunk will just grab my ass. 1.00

02:21:16.000 I've had, like... 1.00

02:21:17.000 Not okay.

02:21:18.000 Late 40s ladies get a couple of pops in them, ladies night out. 1.00

02:21:22.000 They were hot in their 20s.

02:21:23.000 They were like the type of girl that like... 1.00

02:21:25.000 I feel them feeling my back.

02:21:27.000 They're like literally squeezy like a horse, like checking the meat.

02:21:31.000 Stop it.

02:21:32.000 Ladies, it's not okay for you to do to men. 0.99

02:21:35.000 Yeah, but it's not the same.

02:21:36.000 Let me tell you something.

02:21:37.000 It's not the same because you're not physically threatened by these women. 1.00

02:21:40.000 I'm like, hey, get out of my ass. 1.00

02:21:42.000 It's not like... 1.00

02:21:43.000 Any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me.

02:21:47.000 I'm a weak, I'm a tall woman, but I'm a weak woman.

02:21:50.000 So any man touching me is like, it's a threat.

02:21:53.000 It's a threat.

02:21:53.000 It is a threat.

02:21:54.000 Not the same with women and men, but still, get the fuck off men, women. 1.00

02:21:58.000 I'm sorry. 0.98

02:21:58.000 Well, it's just, people are just, and that's another thing about drinking. 0.98

02:22:03.000 Drunk. 1.00

02:22:03.000 People get drunk and they make stupid fucking choices that they would never make if they were sober. 1.00

02:22:08.000 Even smart people. 1.00

02:22:09.000 Smart people with five drinks are stupid. 1.00

02:22:12.000 Oh, they're so stupid. 1.00

02:22:13.000 You get a smart person with five drinks and I'm like, the wrong fucking thing, weird fucking secret desires that never get revealed all of a sudden come popping up. 1.00

02:22:24.000 Yep. 0.99

02:22:24.000 They start making out with guys. 0.99

02:22:26.000 Hey! 0.99

02:22:27.000 Yeah.

02:22:27.000 Hey, what's happening here?

02:22:29.000 Watch out.

02:22:29.000 Woo!

02:22:30.000 Yes.

02:22:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:22:32.000 Everyone's dumb at seven drinks. 0.99

02:22:34.000 Everyone. 1.00

02:22:35.000 I think no one's better two drinks and more.

02:22:37.000 Like maybe men because you have a little bit more tolerance, but it's around two drinks where I'm like, I love a person up until two drinks.

02:22:43.000 They'll get better.

02:22:44.000 And then after two drinks, I'm like, I'm kind of out.

02:22:46.000 They're slow.

02:22:47.000 They're slow.

02:22:48.000 They're loud.

02:22:49.000 Yep.

02:22:50.000 They're close to your face.

02:22:52.000 Would you prefer four drinks or cocaine?

02:22:55.000 See, I haven't...

02:22:56.000 I'll take four drinks over Coke every day of the week.

02:22:58.000 Now, tell me why, because I guess I'm not around enough Coke heads.

02:23:01.000 They talk too much.

02:23:02.000 They talk too much, and they want to get really close to you, and they want to keep talking, and they talk fast.

02:23:06.000 It's like Adderall people.

02:23:07.000 Same thing.

02:23:08.000 It's always about them.

02:23:09.000 The thing about speed...

02:23:11.000 Amphetamines, it's always a self-serving conversation.

02:23:17.000 It's always about you.

02:23:18.000 It's always about what you're gonna do. 1.00

02:23:19.000 It's always about who's fucking you over and who's keeping you from doing this and you're gonna do that and you know this because you're smart and everybody else is stupid but you're not. 1.00

02:23:30.000 That's coke talk. 1.00

02:23:31.000 Did you ever do coke?

02:23:32.000 No, never.

02:23:32.000 Me neither.

02:23:33.000 Never did it.

02:23:34.000 I got lucky.

02:23:35.000 I knew, I had a good buddy of mine, his cousin sold it, and I watched his whole life fall apart.

02:23:40.000 He was doing coke constantly.

02:23:41.000 He lost a shitload of weight. 0.96

02:23:43.000 And I remember thinking, oh my god, he got bit by a vampire. 0.82

02:23:46.000 Like, this guy got infected. 0.99

02:23:47.000 And you were like nuts.

02:23:48.000 I was so scared of it. 0.94

02:23:49.000 A few people in my neighborhood would do coke, and it always went bad.

02:23:53.000 It always went bad.

02:23:54.000 Yeah, good for you.

02:23:55.000 So I just, I recognized that real early.

02:23:58.000 I was like, that's a bad one.

02:23:59.000 I did it one time with Doug Stanhope.

02:24:03.000 Hollow!

02:24:04.000 I didn't mean to, but I was just...

02:24:06.000 I really didn't mean to.

02:24:08.000 It was at the Kansas City...

02:24:09.000 Stanford& Sons in Kansas City.

02:24:12.000 Oh, that place.

02:24:13.000 You have to do coke there.

02:24:14.000 I think it's part of the contract.

02:24:16.000 All week, I didn't talk to Doug.

02:24:19.000 I was so scared of him.

02:24:20.000 I was emceeing.

02:24:21.000 I was in college still.

02:24:22.000 The last night, Saturday night after the late show, he had his whole entourage back to his hotel room to hang out.

02:24:28.000 I was invited.

02:24:29.000 I went, just sitting quietly in the corner.

02:24:31.000 He has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing, and no one else is really doing it.

02:24:36.000 They're just kind of watching him do it.

02:24:38.000 Then he gets a call.

02:24:40.000 From the front desk, it's like, hey, your car's here.

02:24:42.000 He had an early morning flight, and he's like, I'm not taking this with me.

02:24:45.000 Does anyone want it?

02:24:47.000 And I was like, I'll bring it back to my friends at college.

02:24:49.000 That's a lot of Coke, and maybe I'll sell it.

02:24:52.000 How much Coke were you talking about?

02:24:53.000 It was like a pile of it.

02:24:55.000 What did it look like, the pile?

02:24:57.000 Describe it.

02:24:58.000 Like a golf ball?

02:24:58.000 Yeah, golf ball.

02:24:59.000 Okay.

02:25:00.000 It's a lot of coke.

02:25:01.000 Yeah, it's a lot.

02:25:02.000 And I was like, I'll take it.

02:25:04.000 And he was like, okay.

02:25:05.000 And he hands me a rolled up dollar bill.

02:25:07.000 And I was like, oh, he thought he meant now.

02:25:10.000 And I was like 20 and insecure and wanting to be cool.

02:25:14.000 So I was like, ah, if any excuse, do it.

02:25:17.000 And so I did it. 0.98

02:25:18.000 And then I went home and fucking cleaned my apartment. 0.98

02:25:20.000 Did you? 0.98

02:25:21.000 Yeah.

02:25:21.000 I went home and cleaned and like wrote an essay that I needed to write.

02:25:24.000 And I was like, that shit's good. 1.00

02:25:26.000 Wow. 1.00

02:25:26.000 But It's just like doing Ritalin and Adderall. 1.00

02:25:29.000 You get shit done, but there's a price. 0.97

02:25:33.000 It's not good. 0.99

02:25:35.000 It's a B-minus of a paper.

02:25:36.000 It's whenever I have something...

02:25:38.000 I've taken Adderall to get stuff done.

02:25:40.000 In terms of creativity?

02:25:41.000 Yes.

02:25:42.000 It's going to suffer. 0.59

02:25:43.000 Joey Diaz used to be a big coke head. 0.99

02:25:45.000 One of the things he said, he goes, there's no soul in what you say.

02:25:48.000 He goes, when you're doing coke, there's no soul in it.

02:25:51.000 Yeah.

02:25:52.000 Because it's all about you.

02:25:53.000 Like you said, it's just empty.

02:25:54.000 Right.

02:25:55.000 It's just weird.

02:25:57.000 It's weirdly disconnected, you know?

02:25:59.000 Like, you know the movie Showgirls?

02:26:01.000 Mm-hmm.

02:26:02.000 It's one of my favorite bad movies of all time.

02:26:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:26:04.000 That's a Coke movie.

02:26:05.000 Like, you could tell.

02:26:06.000 The people who made that movie were doing Coke.

02:26:08.000 Yes. 0.99

02:26:08.000 It's a ridiculous movie. 0.99

02:26:09.000 Like, who the fuck greenlit this thing? 1.00

02:26:11.000 Who said yes? 0.99

02:26:12.000 They were doing Coke.

02:26:13.000 Because that was the 90s.

02:26:14.000 And in the 90s, a lot of people did Coke.

02:26:16.000 It was a Coke movie.

02:26:17.000 Yeah.

02:26:18.000 Yeah.

02:26:18.000 I think.

02:26:19.000 I mean, it's just my opinion.

02:26:21.000 Maybe I'm wrong.

02:26:21.000 What was the last psychedelic trip you had?

02:26:24.000 I did mushrooms a couple months ago.

02:26:26.000 Yeah?

02:26:26.000 How was that?

02:26:27.000 It was fucking awesome.

02:26:28.000 Where'd you do them?

02:26:29.000 Did them with Ari on the show.

02:26:31.000 We did them during a podcast.

02:26:33.000 Really?

02:26:34.000 Yeah.

02:26:34.000 And do you guys start tripping during the podcast?

02:26:36.000 Yeah.

02:26:37.000 Yeah, we're having fun.

02:26:37.000 What does it sound like?

02:26:39.000 It was great.

02:26:40.000 The podcast was great.

02:26:41.000 We didn't take too much, but we took enough.

02:26:45.000 Like, no one can tell when you're on them.

02:26:48.000 Like, you can still function normally?

02:26:50.000 Yeah.

02:26:51.000 I mean, it depends on how far you go.

02:26:54.000 You guys are still funny.

02:26:56.000 Yeah.

02:26:56.000 You can go down the rabbit hole, though.

02:26:58.000 Okay.

02:26:58.000 You can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent.

02:27:02.000 Mushrooms, it's dose-dependent.

02:27:04.000 I mean, what you're doing is, like, you're getting, you know, you take a little bit, you're, like, shaking hands with the angels.

02:27:11.000 Right.

02:27:12.000 I think?

02:27:28.000 And have you done LSD? Yes.

02:27:30.000 And good?

02:27:31.000 Yes.

02:27:32.000 Great experience?

02:27:33.000 Yeah.

02:27:33.000 Have you had a bad experience on that?

02:27:34.000 No.

02:27:35.000 No.

02:27:36.000 But I took it later in life.

02:27:38.000 I don't think it's...

02:27:39.000 I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences, what you're having is your own psychological dilemma and then your battle with whatever the drug or the psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your ego is trying to control and keep it from happening.

02:27:58.000 I mean, I've seen a lot of people have bad trips.

02:28:03.000 Some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot.

02:28:06.000 Edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize.

02:28:11.000 It's a very different drug than smoking it.

02:28:13.000 And when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole, you don't think of edible pot.

02:28:21.000 People think of pot as just like, oh, you're going to get high.

02:28:23.000 Maybe you can get too high, but you're just getting high.

02:28:26.000 But when you eat it, it's a completely different animal.

02:28:29.000 Yeah.

02:28:30.000 Literally, like physiologically, it's a different animal.

02:28:32.000 Really?

02:28:32.000 Yeah, it creates something called 11-hydroxymetabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC. What?

02:28:39.000 It's not even psychoactive in smoking it.

02:28:42.000 It's a different drug.

02:28:43.000 It does feel different.

02:28:45.000 It's a totally different drug.

02:28:46.000 That makes complete sense.

02:28:47.000 Yeah, it's a different drug.

02:28:48.000 It's processed by your liver.

02:28:50.000 There's something called a one-pass.

02:28:52.000 It passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into 11-hydroxymetabolite.

02:28:59.000 Okay.

02:28:59.000 You should Google it.

02:29:00.000 It's trippy shit. 1.00

02:29:01.000 It's way stronger. 1.00

02:29:02.000 Way stronger.

02:29:03.000 I've got some micro-dose versions of mushrooms.

02:29:07.000 I've had two of them.

02:29:09.000 It was great.

02:29:11.000 It just made things a little bit brighter.

02:29:13.000 Makes it nice.

02:29:14.000 Have you ever micro-dosed?

02:29:15.000 Yes.

02:29:16.000 You know who does that all the time?

02:29:17.000 Ron White.

02:29:17.000 Oh, really?

02:29:18.000 Ron White's a micro-dosing motherfucker. 1.00

02:29:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:29:21.000 Because I'm on this new drug.

02:29:23.000 It's called mushrooms, and I just take a little bit every day.

02:29:26.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:29:28.000 Yeah, I know a lot of people that do that.

02:29:29.000 A lot, like dozens.

02:29:31.000 Dozens of people who microdose, including fighters.

02:29:34.000 I know a lot of fighters who microdose.

02:29:35.000 Yeah, I forgot that I was even on any.

02:29:39.000 I was just like, oh, this room looks cooler.

02:29:42.000 Yeah, you just feel better.

02:29:43.000 I was like, oh yeah, I ate that little piece.

02:29:44.000 Yeah, you just feel a little better.

02:29:46.000 And you're like, what is, oh, I took mushrooms!

02:29:48.000 Yes!

02:29:49.000 I forgot.

02:29:50.000 Yeah.

02:29:51.000 Did you hear that Ari spiked Bert's drink with Molly? 1.00

02:29:55.000 What?

02:29:56.000 They did a podcast together and Ari dumped Molly into Bert's drink.

02:30:00.000 Wait, is that why Bert's wife isn't talking to Ari anymore? 1.00

02:30:04.000 Exactly.

02:30:04.000 Wait, that's what...

02:30:05.000 Yeah.

02:30:06.000 During a podcast, in his house, in Bert's house.

02:30:08.000 And what?

02:30:09.000 What?

02:30:09.000 With his family home.

02:30:10.000 Ari is so crazy! 1.00

02:30:12.000 I don't trust him for a second. 0.96

02:30:14.000 I'm so scared of Ari Shafir.

02:30:16.000 So crazy. 1.00

02:30:17.000 He is fucking crazy. 1.00

02:30:18.000 I've seen him just like ask about my life and be like interested and I'll like open up to him and then he'll like use it against me later on. 1.00

02:30:25.000 I'm like, this guy, I don't try.

02:30:27.000 Yeah, he'll just like store up things.

02:30:29.000 Use it against you?

02:30:30.000 Not use it against, well.

02:30:31.000 To be funny. 0.87

02:30:33.000 I think he's evil. 0.96

02:30:35.000 I think Gary Shafir is secretly evil.

02:30:38.000 Secretly evil?

02:30:39.000 Yeah.

02:30:39.000 For real?

02:30:40.000 Yeah, I do.

02:30:41.000 I think he's a good...

02:30:42.000 I like him, but I don't trust him.

02:30:44.000 Because he spiked Berks... 0.99

02:30:46.000 He gave his friend Molly.

02:30:48.000 That's not okay.

02:30:50.000 It's not okay.

02:30:50.000 But wait, that's hilarious, though.

02:30:52.000 Yeah.

02:30:53.000 It's still hilarious.

02:30:55.000 It's more funny than it is crazy.

02:30:57.000 That's what he's trying to accomplish.

02:30:58.000 And that's what I do like about Ari.

02:31:00.000 They were both on Molly because Ari took it himself.

02:31:03.000 And then the podcast is going on and Ari starts dancing. 1.00

02:31:06.000 He's like sort of dancing and moving.

02:31:08.000 And Bert's like, what do you want, Molly?

02:31:09.000 He goes, are you?

02:31:12.000 And Bert's like, what?

02:31:14.000 And then all of a sudden.

02:31:15.000 And then he realizes, like, what?

02:31:17.000 What's going on?

02:31:18.000 He realizes, and Ari's like, I put some in your drink.

02:31:21.000 He's like, and he's home with his family.

02:31:24.000 Okay, I kind of want Ari to spike my drink, and I want that to be the excuse to do Molly. 1.00

02:31:30.000 Just do it.

02:31:30.000 Ari?

02:31:31.000 No.

02:31:32.000 Do it.

02:31:33.000 Don't do it again.

02:31:34.000 Don't do it to me.

02:31:35.000 I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky podcast.

02:31:39.000 I think that would be so fun.

02:31:41.000 Joe, that's my thing.

02:31:42.000 I need an excuse to be bad.

02:31:44.000 That's why I like bondage.

02:31:45.000 It's like, oh no, I can't do this.

02:31:48.000 I'm forced to do this dirty thing.

02:31:51.000 I don't really want to do this, but you're making me.

02:31:55.000 That's why I did Dancing with the Stars.

02:31:56.000 I'm like, you made me wear this swimsuit on TV. I cannot be a slut. 0.99

02:32:01.000 What's the shoulder thing? 1.00

02:32:02.000 It's just like, helpless slut. 1.00

02:32:04.000 Ha ha! 1.00

02:32:06.000 Like, I need an excuse to be bad, to be what I really want to be, which is high, slutty, and mean. 0.99

02:32:15.000 Like, roast? 0.99

02:32:16.000 Roast.

02:32:16.000 It's an excuse to be mean.

02:32:18.000 It's an excuse to be evil.

02:32:19.000 I had to do these jokes.

02:32:21.000 You had to.

02:32:21.000 What, am I going to go to a roast and compliment everyone?

02:32:23.000 I can't do that.

02:32:25.000 So there's always a, I had to.

02:32:29.000 I get it.

02:32:30.000 Well, you just gave Ari the excuse, and believe me, he's going to capitalize on it.

02:32:34.000 I really do want to do Molly.

02:32:36.000 Why don't you just do it with him?

02:32:38.000 Not with him.

02:32:39.000 I mean, I guess I'm already asking.

02:32:42.000 Someone recently was like...

02:32:44.000 The face!

02:32:44.000 The face you made!

02:32:46.000 You're like, not with him.

02:32:47.000 No, I actually do...

02:32:48.000 I would do it with... 0.99

02:32:49.000 Someone recommended him to be my shaman on a trip and I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:32:53.000 I don't trust him to be my shaman for ayahuasca. 0.99

02:32:56.000 You can trust Ari.

02:32:58.000 Well, he's never done ayahuasca.

02:33:00.000 Oh, well, whatever.

02:33:01.000 Maybe mushrooms.

02:33:02.000 You can trust him for that, for sure.

02:33:04.000 To lead me up that mountain?

02:33:05.000 Yes.

02:33:06.000 Look, you could trust Ari.

02:33:08.000 Ari was just mad at Bert.

02:33:10.000 It's not logical.

02:33:11.000 It's not tenable.

02:33:12.000 I don't agree with him.

02:33:13.000 But he was mad at Bert.

02:33:14.000 The whole reason why we do Sober October was we were trying to get Bert sober.

02:33:18.000 And Bert was, you know, we were worried about his health.

02:33:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:33:22.000 Ridiculously overweight, and he's also on high blood pressure medication, but yet he still drinks every fucking night. 1.00

02:33:27.000 We're like, this is crazy, man. 1.00

02:33:28.000 You've got to stop doing this.

02:33:30.000 And so the original reason for Sober October was to try to sober Bert up.

02:33:36.000 It started off four years ago.

02:33:38.000 There was a weight loss challenge between Tom and Bert.

02:33:41.000 And during the whole weight loss challenge, Bert kept drinking. 1.00

02:33:45.000 This is how fucked up he is. 0.98

02:33:47.000 He's trying to win this big thing, and at the end of it, he only fell short by a few pounds. 1.00

02:33:52.000 But he was drinking the whole time.

02:33:54.000 He still couldn't help himself.

02:33:55.000 The whole time.

02:33:55.000 So then the next year, we were like, okay, we've got to figure out a way to get birds over.

02:34:00.000 Let's do this.

02:34:02.000 Let's even go sober for the whole month of October.

02:34:04.000 And Bert was like, what?

02:34:06.000 He was hemming and hawing.

02:34:07.000 He didn't want to do it.

02:34:08.000 I said, I'll do it too.

02:34:09.000 We'll all do it.

02:34:10.000 We'll all be sober.

02:34:11.000 So that's what kicked off October number one.

02:34:14.000 That was three years ago.

02:34:15.000 And we made a challenge.

02:34:17.000 We're going to be sober for the whole month.

02:34:18.000 And we're going to have to do 15 hot yoga classes.

02:34:21.000 Which is fun.

02:34:22.000 It was good.

02:34:23.000 And you know, Bert did it and he had no problems.

02:34:25.000 He was sober for the whole month and he actually did get healthier and he looked better.

02:34:30.000 But then the next year got too crazy.

02:34:33.000 The next year we decided to have a fitness challenge.

02:34:35.000 Oh God, that was so insane.

02:34:36.000 That went crazy.

02:34:37.000 That was hard to watch.

02:34:38.000 That was crazy.

02:34:39.000 Watching you guys just give up your lives.

02:34:43.000 Yeah, give up everything.

02:34:44.000 For those points.

02:34:45.000 Yeah.

02:34:45.000 Seven hours a day I was doing.

02:34:47.000 I mean, you talked about that one day that your heart rate was at maximum.

02:34:53.000 It was at 80% heart rate max.

02:34:56.000 For five hours?

02:34:57.000 It was more than that because you get one minute.

02:35:02.000 For one minute at 80% heart rate, you get one point.

02:35:05.000 And I had 1,100 minutes.

02:35:08.000 Dude.

02:35:09.000 Yeah.

02:35:10.000 I mean, that's torture.

02:35:12.000 I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year.

02:35:14.000 It was so crazy.

02:35:15.000 I was obsessed.

02:35:16.000 Is Burt getting sober?

02:35:17.000 Is this working?

02:35:18.000 No.

02:35:19.000 No.

02:35:20.000 No, Burt can't wait to drink again.

02:35:22.000 We're going to lose Burt Kreischer.

02:35:23.000 He shouldn't be drinking at all.

02:35:24.000 No. 0.99

02:35:25.000 I mean, that high blood pressure shit is no joke. 0.99

02:35:27.000 That's how people get strokes. 1.00

02:35:28.000 Yes.

02:35:29.000 Like, you really shouldn't be drinking at all.

02:35:30.000 But he did cut back on sugar, and he said he had lost, what did he say he lost, like 20 pounds?

02:35:37.000 Yeah.

02:35:37.000 Something like that?

02:35:38.000 Bert Kreischer can do anything.

02:35:39.000 Yeah, he can.

02:35:40.000 That guy can really do anything.

02:35:42.000 He needs to stop drinking.

02:35:43.000 Yes, he does.

02:35:44.000 But he loves drinking.

02:35:45.000 I know.

02:35:45.000 He loves going on stage and taking his shirt off.

02:35:47.000 I know.

02:35:47.000 He loves being the life of the party.

02:35:49.000 But I don't want to lose the life of the party because we're enabling this life of the party.

02:35:54.000 See, the thing is, that party thing that he does, it's sort of dependent upon alcohol.

02:36:00.000 That's part of the image that he's created.

02:36:02.000 And we talked about on the podcast the other day that Kinison had the same problem.

02:36:05.000 They would just lay these giant lines of coke.

02:36:08.000 They're like, oh, oh, it's him!

02:36:10.000 It's him!

02:36:11.000 They lay that Coke out to the point where no one can do that kind of Coke.

02:36:14.000 Yeah, if Burt goes into a town and isn't down to drink, and that's the whole thing.

02:36:18.000 And he invites the audience to go out with him after the show, and they all drink together.

02:36:23.000 And he's doing double. 0.98

02:36:24.000 So he's having double Tito's, and he's drinking like fucking 20 drinks a night. 0.98

02:36:29.000 I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits. 0.98

02:36:32.000 It's amazing.

02:36:33.000 Think of what he'd be able to do without it.

02:36:36.000 I don't know if that's the case, though.

02:36:37.000 But half of what he's accomplished is accomplished because of his stand-up, and half of his stand-up is his partying.

02:36:44.000 Yeah.

02:36:44.000 It's like he's a funny guy.

02:36:47.000 He would always be a funny comic.

02:36:49.000 Always.

02:36:50.000 But whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol, whether or not he can embrace that without the alcohol.

02:36:56.000 He's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol, because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem.

02:37:03.000 He really did do it.

02:37:04.000 Right.

02:37:05.000 And, you know, he says it's not a big deal.

02:37:06.000 He goes, I miss it.

02:37:07.000 I'd like to have a drink, but I'm okay.

02:37:09.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:37:10.000 So he's not, like, he didn't get the shakes, and his fucking psychologist was telling him not to do it. 0.97

02:37:17.000 Yeah, the psychologist was like, yeah, maybe this is probably not the thing for you to quit drinking. 0.99

02:37:21.000 And he was like, my fucking shrink told me to stop. 1.00

02:37:23.000 Shit. 1.00

02:37:24.000 Not to stop. 1.00

02:37:25.000 Yeah, which is crazy.

02:37:26.000 But I just, you know, I reasoned, because quitting drinking for me, it felt like so much of my identity to drink, and I talked about it on stage.

02:37:35.000 I mean, it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up as Bert is in it, but...

02:37:39.000 He's had enough fun.

02:37:40.000 You've had your whole life of doing this.

02:37:42.000 You've been the party animal since...

02:37:44.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.87

02:37:44.000 He's just starting to kill it. 0.87

02:37:46.000 He's selling out theaters.

02:37:47.000 I know.

02:37:47.000 Left and right.

02:37:48.000 He's doing great right now.

02:37:49.000 I know.

02:37:50.000 Netflix specials elevated him.

02:37:52.000 All of his Instagram stuff.

02:37:53.000 Every time we do these Sober October things, he sells way more tickets.

02:37:56.000 I know.

02:37:57.000 I love him so much.

02:37:57.000 But he could be funny no matter what.

02:38:00.000 Yes!

02:38:00.000 He's a comic.

02:38:01.000 Everybody who's funny is funny no matter what.

02:38:04.000 They're so scared.

02:38:05.000 If I get on Zoloft, if I talk to someone about my issues, if I talk about the anger I have towards my father, am I going to be funny on the other side of it?

02:38:17.000 Yes!

02:38:18.000 You're funny.

02:38:19.000 Yeah, you're a comic.

02:38:19.000 It's a profession.

02:38:22.000 It's one of the rare professions where you think you're dependent upon certain substances.

02:38:26.000 Yeah.

02:38:27.000 But we do know people that got sober and then got boring.

02:38:29.000 That's true, too.

02:38:31.000 You didn't.

02:38:32.000 Yeah.

02:38:32.000 You pulled it off.

02:38:33.000 But there are people that got sober and then they started to suck. 0.99

02:38:37.000 Really? 0.99

02:38:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:38:38.000 Yeah, there's quite a few.

02:38:39.000 But then there's also people who got sober and got even better, like Dave Attell.

02:38:42.000 Yes. 0.99

02:38:43.000 When Dave Attell sobered up, his fucking joke writing just kicked into another level. 0.99

02:38:46.000 Yeah, because he got addicted to writing. 0.99

02:38:48.000 Like, he just funneled it all.

02:38:50.000 And he also had all the energy.

02:38:51.000 More bandwidth.

02:38:52.000 Yeah, more energy, more bandwidth.

02:38:53.000 Yep.

02:38:54.000 Nikki Glaser, we gotta wrap this up.

02:38:56.000 It's 10 o'clock already.

02:38:57.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:38:57.000 This has been so fun.

02:38:58.000 We just banged out three hours of talking.

02:38:59.000 Sigh.

02:39:00.000 Crazy!

02:39:01.000 It flies by.

02:39:02.000 Tell everybody your special, Bangin', it's on Netflix.

02:39:06.000 It's on Netflix.

02:39:06.000 How do they get a hold of you on the Instagram and on the Twitter?

02:39:09.000 Nikki Glaser on Instagram.

02:39:10.000 I have a radio show on Sirius XM every morning, Monday through Thursday, 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central Radio.

02:39:19.000 So if you have Sirius or a rental car, check that out.

02:39:23.000 And I have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday.

02:39:27.000 You Up Podcast.

02:39:27.000 And I'm going on tour.

02:39:28.000 Bang It Out Tour starting January through the spring.

02:39:31.000 Tickets on presale now.

02:39:33.000 Use code BANGIN for special pricing.

02:39:35.000 And my first theater tour.

02:39:37.000 Alright.

02:39:38.000 Good luck with that.

02:39:39.000 Thank you Nikki.

02:39:39.000 Thanks Joe.

02:39:40.000 Always a good time.

02:39:40.000 Always.

02:39:41.000 Bye everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 03, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1360 - Nikki Glaser

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