The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1463 - Tom Green

00:00:00.000 The OG, ladies and gentlemen!

00:00:03.000 You're the OG. We can give each other real knuckles.

00:00:08.000 I'm not like a paranoid person, but I'll tell you, Joe, you got me to leave my house for the first time in five weeks.

00:00:16.000 I'm so happy you left, and I'm so happy you got tested.

00:00:18.000 Yeah, my first time in five weeks that I've left the house, and yeah, I got tested, and I'm And everything's great, but I'm not paranoid or anything like that.

00:00:26.000 Spray it down, baby.

00:00:28.000 How bad is all this Lysol for us?

00:00:30.000 This stuff is pretty good.

00:00:31.000 This is a real question, right?

00:00:32.000 How bad is all this Lysol?

00:00:34.000 Yeah, it'll be fine.

00:00:35.000 Aerosol's probably not bad.

00:00:36.000 But no, great to be here.

00:00:38.000 Thank you for having me.

00:00:38.000 My pleasure.

00:00:40.000 Man, I haven't left my house in five weeks.

00:00:44.000 I've been isolating as a responsible citizen, right?

00:00:49.000 Yes.

00:00:50.000 And...

00:00:52.000 I feel good.

00:00:52.000 I feel, first of all, I'm excited to be here.

00:00:54.000 I'm excited to have you here.

00:00:56.000 I posted that.

00:00:56.000 I've been going through my computers.

00:00:58.000 I'm at home.

00:00:58.000 I'm going through my computers.

00:00:59.000 And just killing time.

00:01:02.000 I live alone, okay?

00:01:03.000 I happen to be single at this point in my life.

00:01:06.000 Ladies! 0.99

00:01:07.000 There you go, huh?

00:01:09.000 Right before this happened, and I kind of think to myself sometimes, I think, okay, imagine if I had been in a relationship that hadn't been going well, and this happened, and then you have to make the decision to isolate with somebody.

00:01:22.000 I'm not in that situation.

00:01:23.000 I'm home alone, and...

00:01:26.000 I've been talking a lot to my friends on FaceTime and I've been socializing and I've been, you know, living life in this world, but alone in my house.

00:01:36.000 I'm going through my computers, started going through old footage.

00:01:40.000 I found that clip from when you came up to my house back in the day.

00:01:44.000 And yeah, I just, I saw this moment where I'll jump right into this if that's cool.

00:01:51.000 Sure.

00:01:51.000 Because I saw this moment in the clip where we started talking about my old web show and you'd come up to my house back in the day and it was so cool that you came up then.

00:01:59.000 And I remember at the time, your website was like way advanced, right?

00:02:04.000 Like it had all sorts of extra stuff on it that people weren't really doing on the web back then.

00:02:10.000 And you came up and we just started talking about the web.

00:02:13.000 That was because of my webmaster, Andrew Blevins.

00:02:15.000 Shout out to Andrew.

00:02:16.000 Uh-huh.

00:02:17.000 He's a wizard at web creating.

00:02:19.000 So I was always really into web stuff.

00:02:21.000 I had my website.

00:02:22.000 I started my website early when I was up in Canada.

00:02:26.000 And I really thought that was cool.

00:02:29.000 And we started talking about what I was doing, which was kind of crazy, right?

00:02:33.000 And then you just started talking about...

00:02:35.000 You said...

00:02:39.000 What we got to do is figure out how we're going to make some money off this.

00:02:42.000 And I'm like, yeah.

00:02:42.000 And I'm like, yeah, I know.

00:02:44.000 I mean, I'd been trying.

00:02:45.000 I had been trying.

00:02:46.000 I'd been going to, you know, advertisers and stuff.

00:02:49.000 They were like, what?

00:02:50.000 What do you mean, internet?

00:02:51.000 You know?

00:02:52.000 But it's kind of funny.

00:02:53.000 I saw that clip. 0.99

00:02:54.000 I thought, that's hilarious because, you know, Not to blow too much smoke up your ass, but clearly you figured out how to make money off of it, and it was hilarious. 0.98

00:03:03.000 I'm like, that's a hilarious and prophetic moment. 0.97

00:03:05.000 How can we make money off of it?

00:03:06.000 Now we're here in this beautiful studio, and it's incredible.

00:03:09.000 There was a few moments that really planted a seed in my head to do something like this online.

00:03:15.000 Yours was a big one, being at your house and seeing how you had servers.

00:03:19.000 You had full cables.

00:03:21.000 Like, folks, this room is not as sophisticated as Tom Green's home was in 2007. That's how crazy it was.

00:03:29.000 There was some weird stuff in there, yeah.

00:03:30.000 But you had it set up like you had a whole internet service provider set up at your house.

00:03:37.000 Like you could have run like a network in 2007. You had that whole rack with all that equipment.

00:03:44.000 I walked into that room, and it's humming, and I'm like, holy shit, dude. 0.89

00:03:48.000 Those are the G-Raid drives. 0.94

00:03:49.000 The G-Raid drives, yeah.

00:03:50.000 I was like, this is crazy.

00:03:52.000 This is your house.

00:03:53.000 And folks, back then, you had to have these cables that snaked through the house.

00:03:59.000 So everything was taped down. 0.99

00:04:01.000 I was like, fuck, dude. 1.00

00:04:02.000 You literally turned your house into a set. 0.99

00:04:05.000 It was much more like a set than anything I'd ever seen before outside of a set.

00:04:10.000 There were lights screwed into the ceiling.

00:04:12.000 It kind of trashed my place.

00:04:15.000 You even figured out how to take video calls from people.

00:04:18.000 That was exciting.

00:04:19.000 Crazy.

00:04:20.000 That was exciting.

00:04:20.000 I had this...

00:04:21.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:04:22.000 Tom Green.

00:04:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:24.000 And then the TV on the wall.

00:04:25.000 Yeah.

00:04:25.000 And there's my dog, Steve.

00:04:26.000 Oh, poor Steve.

00:04:27.000 Oh, and look, I don't have gray in my beard.

00:04:30.000 Oh, look at that.

00:04:31.000 You're a young man back then.

00:04:33.000 This was probably around 2007, I guess.

00:04:35.000 Yeah.

00:04:35.000 And that was the back corner of my living room there.

00:04:38.000 It's a genius move.

00:04:38.000 And you can see all the wires going up.

00:04:40.000 See that?

00:04:40.000 That's going up into the ceiling, up through the ceiling, into the spare room, which I turned into the editing room.

00:04:45.000 Look how crazy all this equipment is.

00:04:47.000 Dude, you were so ahead of everybody.

00:04:49.000 That's actually a little later, actually.

00:04:50.000 I'm looking at this now.

00:04:51.000 This is later.

00:04:52.000 This is after, because I can tell, because that's an actual, that's not the TriCaster.

00:04:57.000 That's an actual television switcher.

00:04:58.000 I forget what model.

00:05:00.000 It's a Sony switcher.

00:05:01.000 So you started with a TriCaster and a computer?

00:05:03.000 There was a thing called a video toaster system first.

00:05:05.000 I had that for a year.

00:05:06.000 Then we got the first version of the TriCaster.

00:05:08.000 That's Victor, who was working on the show.

00:05:11.000 He's stoked that I'm here today.

00:05:12.000 I still talk to Victor quite a bit.

00:05:13.000 Shout out to Victor.

00:05:14.000 Victor, what's up?

00:05:15.000 But so yeah, so that was a little later, but still kind of, you know, we're talking three years later or something.

00:05:23.000 So 2010-ish.

00:05:25.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:25.000 Look at all your lighting and everything.

00:05:27.000 You had done it where you had basically, instead of putting cameras in your house, you would turn your house into a studio.

00:05:34.000 It was legit.

00:05:36.000 I remember thinking, oh my god!

00:05:38.000 Because Anthony Cumia had a kind of pretty high-tech setup in his basement.

00:05:43.000 That was another inspiration.

00:05:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:45.000 Because he was doing that while he was doing Opie and Anthony.

00:05:48.000 And, you know, they actually, his employers at the time, wanted him to stop doing it.

00:05:53.000 They had decided somehow or another he shouldn't be allowed to do an extra show.

00:05:57.000 He's like, but I'm just promoting this serious show.

00:06:00.000 This is free.

00:06:01.000 People can see it.

00:06:02.000 It's fun.

00:06:03.000 So Anthony would do karaoke with machine guns in front of green screen. 0.97

00:06:08.000 She's still kicking ass on the internet. 1.00

00:06:11.000 Yes. 0.98

00:06:11.000 Well, now he has his own network. 0.98

00:06:13.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:06:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:15.000 I love that guy.

00:06:16.000 He's a unique dude.

00:06:18.000 He was great on Opie and Anthony.

00:06:20.000 He was always really funny.

00:06:21.000 And just like a comic, but he never did stand-up.

00:06:25.000 Yeah.

00:06:25.000 It's really interesting.

00:06:26.000 He's like, the most comicky, comic guy that I've ever met that never did stand-up is Anthony Cumia.

00:06:31.000 100% could have been a great comic.

00:06:33.000 100%.

00:06:33.000 I think sometimes people that...

00:06:35.000 I mean, I'm just making this up right now, but I think sometimes people that have never done stand-up who do radio are afraid of it.

00:06:42.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:06:45.000 It's a scary thing getting on stage in front of an audience if you've never done it before, but you get comfortable behind that mic.

00:06:51.000 But anyways, yeah man, it was so cool when you came up because I remember like, I think there was like Entertainment Tonight was there that day or something like that.

00:06:59.000 Remember that?

00:06:59.000 And you talked to them after.

00:07:01.000 That's right.

00:07:01.000 And you made this quote to them.

00:07:04.000 And that went out, and it was defining what's happened in our world.

00:07:09.000 You were just saying, you know, like, we don't need the advertisers anymore.

00:07:12.000 We don't need the networks anymore.

00:07:14.000 We can go straight to the advertiser.

00:07:17.000 Is that video available anywhere?

00:07:19.000 I think I saw it on the internet somewhere recently.

00:07:21.000 That video of me saying that is kind of hilarious if you stop and think about how this internet stuff has played out since then.

00:07:28.000 There was this pre-YouTube, right?

00:07:30.000 Nobody was uploading to YouTube.

00:07:32.000 You had to have your own TomGreen.com setup.

00:07:34.000 So I remember I got a call.

00:07:37.000 This is one of those like, you know, when you think back and you sort of kick yourself.

00:07:46.000 I mean, how far into the weeds do we want to get, technically? 0.99

00:07:49.000 It's like people are like, who give a fuck? 0.99

00:07:51.000 Oh, there it is right there. 1.00

00:07:52.000 But here I was.

00:07:54.000 That's the clip.

00:07:54.000 That was my backwards baseball hat days.

00:07:57.000 Jamie's still in those days.

00:07:58.000 We were hosting this stuff on this site called bitgravity.com. 0.96

00:08:02.000 So we would upload our shit to that. 0.90

00:08:05.000 Were those the guys from Denver? 0.99

00:08:06.000 No, Bit Gravity is San Francisco.

00:08:09.000 Okay.

00:08:10.000 San Francisco and Barrett Lyon is...

00:08:13.000 Did you do some stuff with some guys from Denver?

00:08:15.000 That was sort of around the same time.

00:08:19.000 That was Mania TV. Right, right, right.

00:08:21.000 And so they kind of...

00:08:22.000 But what I did...

00:08:26.000 Mania TV was the only people that were really doing live streaming.

00:08:30.000 And I said, hey, you know, I want to build this TV studio.

00:08:33.000 And they helped me build the studio.

00:08:35.000 But I wanted to be autonomous of them as well.

00:08:38.000 So I got my own servers through this company, BitGravity, where they basically invented the technology to upload video and then serve it out.

00:08:48.000 So I would link that to my website, TomGreen.com.

00:08:52.000 Completely autonomous of the other website, Mania TV. So, you know, it was funny shit that happened there because I remember I think back, I go, I really made a few mistakes.

00:09:07.000 I go, I want all the stuff to be on my website. 0.54

00:09:10.000 And then YouTube started.

00:09:12.000 What's this?

00:09:13.000 Oh, YouTube.

00:09:13.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:09:14.000 They're doing a thing out of an apartment in San Francisco.

00:09:16.000 I remember at one point, somebody called me from YouTube and said, hey, man, we really like what you're doing with your thing.

00:09:20.000 I'm like, oh, that's cool, cool, man.

00:09:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:23.000 I'm kind of doing my own thing over here.

00:09:25.000 Yeah, that's cool.

00:09:26.000 I like what you're doing, too.

00:09:27.000 And never really kind of connected with them.

00:09:30.000 Because I thought, I was thinking at the time, It's got to all be on your server, right?

00:09:36.000 So you have those views.

00:09:37.000 Not thinking, okay, we could have it out, spread it, send it out, just get the eyeballs on it.

00:09:41.000 But it was exciting.

00:09:43.000 It was an exciting time.

00:09:44.000 Everybody thought that, though.

00:09:45.000 I mean, no one could have ever saw what YouTube had been or has become.

00:09:49.000 What's crazy about YouTube is that there's not another one.

00:09:52.000 It's just YouTube.

00:09:53.000 It's like there's Vimeo and a few other fairly popular video sites, but it's like the XFL compared to the NFL or something like that.

00:10:01.000 Not even.

00:10:02.000 The XFL's done, right?

00:10:03.000 Do they just go under?

00:10:04.000 Yeah, done.

00:10:05.000 Now it's like comparing the two of them.

00:10:07.000 Because all those other video things, it's like, yeah, you'll get some views.

00:10:11.000 But it's just YouTube, for whatever reason, captured, they have the market.

00:10:16.000 It never became MySpace.

00:10:18.000 Remember YouTube?

00:10:19.000 Something as simple as uploading video.

00:10:21.000 I mean, obviously it's complex, right?

00:10:23.000 Like just being able to get it onto the website and make sure it streams and all the technical stuff is super complex, but just the concept is pretty simple.

00:10:31.000 You, with your phone or a video camera, you film it, you can upload it.

00:10:37.000 Like, real simple.

00:10:38.000 Anybody can do it.

00:10:38.000 And then anybody all of a sudden can get views.

00:10:41.000 Like, that is amazing that one company has that locked up.

00:10:45.000 It's kind of crazy!

00:10:46.000 Because you would think that, like, boy, that would be something that everybody would want to get involved in.

00:10:50.000 Look how much money YouTube is making.

00:10:52.000 Yeah, I would...

00:10:54.000 I haven't thought about that, but I guess the amount of advancement that happens every six months in technology and they've got the funding to be able to stay right on top of it and just make it the strongest platform possibly.

00:11:08.000 I don't know.

00:11:08.000 Even Twitter.

00:11:10.000 Like, how'd they do that?

00:11:11.000 There's, like, one Twitter.

00:11:12.000 I mean, there's Facebook, and I guess people hold discussions on Instagram, but if I read... 0.97

00:11:18.000 One of the things that drives me crazy about Instagram is, like, if I go to your page and I'm reading one of your captions, someone will say something in response to someone, they're like, hey, fuck you, dick boy, or whatever, and then I try to click and find out what they were talking about, and I get to the beginning of the comments. 0.93

00:11:36.000 And then I gotta go through all the comments to try to figure this out. 0.90

00:11:39.000 Like, why can't I just click?

00:11:41.000 So do you do that?

00:11:42.000 You get into the comments? 1.00

00:11:43.000 On other people's shit. 1.00

00:11:44.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Not your own though?

00:11:45.000 No.

00:11:46.000 Something seemed like fun.

00:11:49.000 You gotta leave people to talk about you.

00:11:51.000 Like, just go ahead.

00:11:53.000 If you really get into it and start reading it, it's like, ugh, good and bad.

00:11:58.000 Both of them are equally toxic.

00:11:59.000 The good you believe, the bad you like, oh my god, this guy hates me so much.

00:12:04.000 It's a pretty good form of restraint, though, to not be curious and to go read.

00:12:09.000 Well, you're always curious.

00:12:11.000 The key is just not giving into it. 1.00

00:12:13.000 It's just, listen, there's a lot of time in a day, but not if you spend it doing stupid shit. 1.00

00:12:21.000 Those things are not beneficial. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Most of them are a waste.

00:12:25.000 Most of the reading comments or getting into it with people, that's the big one.

00:12:30.000 When you see people arguing with fans and going back and forth, that is...

00:12:35.000 That is a trap.

00:12:37.000 You're only going to respond to the negative ones, you know, if you're responding to the positive ones and the negative ones.

00:12:43.000 People are trying to get your attention.

00:12:44.000 Some of them don't even mean what they're saying.

00:12:46.000 They're just 15-year-old kids that want to rile you up.

00:12:48.000 It's like, is that a way to talk to people?

00:12:51.000 The way to talk to people is like this.

00:12:53.000 Hi, what's up?

00:12:54.000 We're in front of each other.

00:12:55.000 That's how people talk when they're just being around people.

00:12:58.000 This is how we're supposed to talk. 0.98

00:12:59.000 All this other shit is too confusing for us. 0.99

00:13:01.000 We don't know how to handle it. 0.99

00:13:03.000 Yeah, and I've fallen into that trap for sure.

00:13:07.000 I've gone through sort of cycles of the way I handle comments.

00:13:12.000 I've become an indiscriminate blocker, is what I do now.

00:13:15.000 The first sign of negativity is a boom.

00:13:17.000 And I know some people say, oh, that's not very democratic, but whatever.

00:13:20.000 The way I look at it is you create an environment.

00:13:24.000 I'm trying to create a positive environment on my social media.

00:13:26.000 But the problem is, and what you're saying is making me... 0.97

00:13:30.000 Second-guess myself, to be honest with you, because I know I spend far too much time on that shit, and I'm thinking, man, I really should just not read that stuff. 0.97

00:13:40.000 Time's precious. 0.99

00:13:41.000 It's precious.

00:13:42.000 Even now, when people are forced to not work, you can do one of two things, right?

00:13:46.000 You could either drink all day, which a lot of people are doing.

00:13:49.000 There's a hilarious video of this guy who's out jogging in his neighborhood, just passing by people's recyclables, pointing out all the empty wine bottles and empty vodka bottles.

00:13:57.000 And he just jogs over, let's see what this guy's got. 1.00

00:13:59.000 Boom, same shit. 1.00

00:14:00.000 Whiskey, wine, bam, bam, bam. 1.00

00:14:03.000 People are just getting lit up.

00:14:04.000 You could do that, or you could use this time to get in shape.

00:14:08.000 You could use this time to write out a workout program.

00:14:11.000 You could use this time to start reading books online.

00:14:15.000 You don't even have to leave your house if you have a Kindle.

00:14:18.000 Or one of those Barnes& Noble, the Nook, is that still around?

00:14:23.000 Are Barnes& Noble still real?

00:14:25.000 They haven't gone under, have they?

00:14:26.000 They have bookstores?

00:14:27.000 They still have books?

00:14:27.000 I think they have bookstores.

00:14:28.000 They still have books.

00:14:29.000 They do have bookstores.

00:14:30.000 I've been to them before.

00:14:31.000 I've been to them recently.

00:14:32.000 Now I'm not thinking about it.

00:14:32.000 That's the thing.

00:14:33.000 After this, that kind of old media, tangible media, that's really going to...

00:14:40.000 Because people are losing their old habits now.

00:14:43.000 It's true.

00:14:44.000 You can't go to a bookstore.

00:14:44.000 Now you...

00:14:46.000 Sure, Kindle and all these things are taken.

00:14:47.000 And bookstores were hurting already because of Amazon, because you just order it online.

00:14:51.000 Like, if I want a book, it's there tomorrow.

00:14:54.000 There's something about that, like not having to leave.

00:14:56.000 And now that people are getting used to getting groceries delivered, if you live in a neighborhood that has a grocery store that delivers, you can just order online, they'll send it to your house.

00:15:04.000 So I've, like I said, I haven't left my house in five weeks.

00:15:08.000 It's the first time I left.

00:15:09.000 It's like a castaway type deal.

00:15:10.000 Or like a prisoner with an ankle bracelet.

00:15:12.000 When Joe Rogan calls, you come, okay?

00:15:15.000 But no one else would have gotten me out of my house.

00:15:17.000 Really?

00:15:17.000 Absolutely.

00:15:18.000 Oh, thank you.

00:15:18.000 Nobody else.

00:15:19.000 But I was very, you know, I'm Honored to be here.

00:15:23.000 I love the show.

00:15:24.000 I'm honored to have you.

00:15:24.000 But, no, listen, I have gotten good at living in my house without leaving.

00:15:31.000 First of all, one thing that was weird, and I actually find it strange, actually.

00:15:37.000 I find this strange. 0.93

00:15:39.000 About four weeks before shit went down, Right? 0.99

00:15:44.000 For whatever reason, it was in Italy, I think. 0.99

00:15:48.000 It was bad over there.

00:15:50.000 I'm not by any means a doomsday prepper or anything like that.

00:15:54.000 You know, in fact, I'm the opposite.

00:15:55.000 I've always said to myself, if something went wrong, you know, I'd have like one day's supply of food or something like that in my house.

00:16:04.000 And I went before the rush on the toilet paper, all that stuff.

00:16:08.000 I went and I got non-perishable food.

00:16:11.000 I got sardines.

00:16:13.000 I read articles about what's good protein.

00:16:15.000 I got, you know, beans.

00:16:16.000 I got rice.

00:16:17.000 I stocked up my pantry with stuff.

00:16:19.000 I got about a month's supply of food.

00:16:21.000 Not thinking that I was actually going to.

00:16:26.000 Actually.

00:16:27.000 I mean, I knew it was possible.

00:16:29.000 There were glimmers of it.

00:16:30.000 They were starting to talk about it.

00:16:31.000 But not thinking I was actually going to be Locked in my house.

00:16:35.000 And then all of a sudden it happened.

00:16:37.000 So you just were being smart.

00:16:39.000 You're like, wouldn't it be nice if I did have a month's supply of food?

00:16:42.000 Yeah.

00:16:42.000 I talk about this stuff a lot with my friends and we're always sort of talking about the possibilities of things.

00:16:46.000 But, you know, you didn't think it was actually going to happen.

00:16:48.000 So then it happened.

00:16:48.000 So then I discovered some delivery services that deliver groceries.

00:16:54.000 Right.

00:16:54.000 But who are the people delivering it?

00:16:55.000 And are they healthy?

00:16:56.000 So, here's the thing.

00:16:58.000 Think about that?

00:16:59.000 So, yeah, I do not interact with them.

00:17:01.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:17:02.000 But you touched the stuff that they touched, right?

00:17:04.000 Well, again, just to be safe, I did disinfect them, and then I take them and I put them with gloves, with rubber gloves, and I put them into another room, and I let it sit for three days for the virus to die.

00:17:20.000 And then I start eating.

00:17:22.000 Then I start eating.

00:17:22.000 I wish there was a clear answer to all this.

00:17:26.000 I wish there was a clear solution to all this.

00:17:30.000 I tell ya, talking to you is making me feel better.

00:17:35.000 Well, I feel better reading the latest statistics about the mortality rate.

00:17:40.000 I wonder what the actual- there's an infection rate, hospitalization rate, mortality rate, and what was it- was the study that was- was it UCLA? Is that what it was?

00:17:49.000 For sure?

00:17:50.000 And it showed a very low fatality rate in comparison to infection.

00:17:55.000 So that's good news. 1.00

00:17:57.000 But the bad news is this, you know, it could still kill a lot of fucking people. 0.99

00:18:02.000 And people that are immune compromised, people with diabetes, people that are overweight, people with lung problems, people with cigarette habits, all those. 0.99

00:18:10.000 And particularly one of the nurses was saying people who were into the Juul.

00:18:14.000 People who smoke with Juul.

00:18:15.000 They said there's a high instance that he personally was seeing of people.

00:18:22.000 Was it the he nurse or the she nurse? 0.99

00:18:24.000 Hmm.

00:18:25.000 I forgot who told me this.

00:18:27.000 You know what I was wondering?

00:18:28.000 Remember like one month before this happened?

00:18:31.000 People were having lung issues because of vapes?

00:18:35.000 Do you think that was coronavirus?

00:18:37.000 Well, sort of.

00:18:38.000 Remember it was a big thing for like a week?

00:18:40.000 We had that explained to us by Adam.

00:18:42.000 Maybe that was coronavirus.

00:18:42.000 We had that explained to us by Adam Curry.

00:18:44.000 It wasn't really what it appeared to be.

00:18:47.000 What it really was is a concerted effort to conflate two things that were happening. 0.99

00:18:52.000 One, these assholes that made like really shitty low-level THC vape pens that got people sick and a couple people died. 0.99

00:19:01.000 I forget how many people died. 1.00

00:19:03.000 Was it like 10 people died, Jamie?

00:19:05.000 Something like that?

00:19:06.000 Adam Curry told us the whole story in the podcast.

00:19:08.000 Then, the cigarette companies, or whoever is behind this, tried to get all tobacco vapes banned.

00:19:19.000 And they're trying to ban...

00:19:23.000 I'm just fixing my shot because I want to be on camera.

00:19:25.000 I don't want the mic to block my face.

00:19:26.000 But your extra hand sanitizer?

00:19:28.000 That's the first thing I've touched.

00:19:30.000 You're just ripping.

00:19:30.000 I know.

00:19:31.000 I'm not thinking about it.

00:19:32.000 Sorry.

00:19:33.000 You're grossed out by too much sanitizer.

00:19:35.000 That's good.

00:19:36.000 That's a good thing.

00:19:36.000 It's killing everything.

00:19:37.000 The good and the bad.

00:19:38.000 It's sanitizing.

00:19:39.000 It's sanitizing.

00:19:40.000 But it's not good if you...

00:19:41.000 I know a guy who uses this stuff all the time. 0.98

00:19:42.000 He's getting warts all over his hands now because his immune system is all fucked up. 0.98

00:19:47.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

00:19:47.000 I'm sanitizing constantly. 0.97

00:19:48.000 Like the Carlin bit.

00:19:49.000 Yeah.

00:19:49.000 Well, that's really what happens.

00:19:50.000 Like, you're not supposed to use antibacterial soap.

00:19:53.000 You need bacteria, yeah.

00:19:54.000 Yeah.

00:19:54.000 There's a great bit.

00:19:55.000 When we would, in jujitsu, sometimes guys would get staph infections, or ringworm is a big one.

00:20:02.000 And ringworm, they would use antibacterial soap, and it would wind up fucking up their whole body, and they'd wind up getting it more often.

00:20:09.000 Like, they think, oh, I'm just using antibacterial soap all the time. 0.61

00:20:12.000 So you're killing... 1.00

00:20:13.000 All the healthy shit on the outside of your skin and then you wonder why you're getting sick all the time. 1.00

00:20:18.000 You wonder why your skin is getting infected. 0.99

00:20:21.000 I'm not like that normally, but...

00:20:23.000 It honestly is the first one.

00:20:25.000 Actually, when you made me that coffee earlier, whatever that coffee was, which was amazing.

00:20:29.000 That's the Laird Hamilton stuff.

00:20:31.000 It's Black Rifle coffee mixed with Laird Hamilton's Turmeric, which is just...

00:20:38.000 Some Hawaii surfer coffee.

00:20:40.000 Yeah.

00:20:41.000 It was good.

00:20:41.000 It was basically with curry.

00:20:42.000 It's so good, right?

00:20:43.000 Oh my God.

00:20:44.000 No coconut milk.

00:20:45.000 Ooh, it's nice.

00:20:46.000 Yeah.

00:20:47.000 Good for you.

00:20:47.000 Super healthy.

00:20:48.000 That's the first object that I've touched in over a month that someone else had touched.

00:20:55.000 For sure you've definitely touched other things you just forgot.

00:20:58.000 Well, no one's been in my house.

00:20:59.000 That's true.

00:21:00.000 You haven't left the house at all.

00:21:01.000 So, no, I've touched the groceries, but I... Disinfected first.

00:21:05.000 Disinfected.

00:21:06.000 But I don't expect to be like this forever.

00:21:11.000 Well, that's the question.

00:21:12.000 When do we go back?

00:21:13.000 Did you see the mayor of Las Vegas?

00:21:15.000 Yeah.

00:21:15.000 With Anderson Cooper.

00:21:16.000 This is not China. 0.85

00:21:18.000 This is Las Vegas, Nevada.

00:21:22.000 So there's a line that, you know, on this end of the spectrum, it's complete, casual, lackadaisical approach to what's going on.

00:21:31.000 There's this end of the spectrum, which is, I guess, me right now, right?

00:21:35.000 And then there's the middle, which is more of she on the...

00:21:40.000 Far end.

00:21:41.000 We're going to open up Las Vegas.

00:21:43.000 We're going to have casinos open.

00:21:44.000 When are the casinos going to open?

00:21:45.000 When is comedy going to start again?

00:21:47.000 When are we going to be back on the road telling jokes?

00:21:49.000 It's a good question, man.

00:21:52.000 Everything I've had, I think, has been moved.

00:21:55.000 There was supposed to be some stuff in May that I was doing in Des Moines, Iowa.

00:22:00.000 And somewhere else.

00:22:01.000 And that's getting moved.

00:22:03.000 And the only thing that I have scheduled is July in Vegas.

00:22:07.000 So I'm like, I don't know if that's real.

00:22:09.000 That seems so crazy to say that I don't know here in April whether or not I'll be able to do a gig in July in Vegas.

00:22:20.000 You have the podcast.

00:22:21.000 You're doing the podcast.

00:22:22.000 You get your adrenaline rush from that.

00:22:25.000 I'm assuming you get an adrenaline rush from this.

00:22:27.000 You get it from stand-up, of course.

00:22:28.000 Is it weird having an absence of that stand-up comedy thing?

00:22:31.000 Not just because it's fun to do, but just physically, are you feeling different?

00:22:35.000 Not getting that on-stage energy rush every night?

00:22:40.000 No.

00:22:40.000 I mean, yes and no.

00:22:42.000 But I know that I can't do anything about it.

00:22:45.000 So I just shut it off.

00:22:47.000 Right.

00:22:47.000 I'm like, I'm not going to think about that.

00:22:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:49.000 You can't think about shit that there's nothing you can do about. 0.99

00:22:52.000 That'll just drive you mad. 1.00

00:22:53.000 I heard you're talking about that with Donnell.

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:56.000 You can't stand up right now.

00:22:58.000 That's just what it is.

00:23:00.000 It is what it is.

00:23:01.000 Look, man, have you just stopped and think about, think about a guy that works at a grocery store, okay?

00:23:05.000 Yeah.

00:23:05.000 It's not the worst job in the world, but it's fine.

00:23:08.000 Now, all of a sudden, he's in a fucking war zone. 0.99

00:23:11.000 He's in a viral war zone. 1.00

00:23:13.000 He's got to hope that some coughing motherfucker doesn't give him a death sentence while he's restocking the rice, right? 1.00

00:23:19.000 It's a different world. 1.00

00:23:21.000 Different world for them.

00:23:22.000 For me, what, I just, I can't go on stage for a while?

00:23:25.000 Yeah.

00:23:26.000 Yeah, it's terrible.

00:23:26.000 I feel bad for the comedy clubs, really.

00:23:28.000 I feel bad for the waitresses and the waiters.

00:23:31.000 And the kitchen staff and the managers and all the people that don't have a paycheck coming in.

00:23:36.000 I feel bad for them.

00:23:37.000 And I'm happy to do a ton of free shows.

00:23:40.000 When we come back, I'll just do shows and donate all the money to the Comedy Store or the Improv or whoever.

00:23:48.000 Happy to help.

00:23:49.000 But I think that it is, for us in particular, it's an inconvenient thing.

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 But it's not life-threatening.

00:23:57.000 This is a life-threatening time for some people.

00:23:59.000 For nurses and hospital workers, it's a life-threatening time.

00:24:02.000 For that Chicago bus driver, did you see that video of the bus driver?

00:24:05.000 Yeah.

00:24:06.000 He's telling people, please be courteous, don't be confident in the middle of the pandemic, and then he's dead a few days later.

00:24:10.000 Tragic, yeah.

00:24:11.000 Horrific, right?

00:24:13.000 That's... 1.00

00:24:15.000 See, this is why this disease is so fucked up. 0.99

00:24:18.000 It just seems like for some people, it's a death sentence, and then for other people, it's nothing. 0.99

00:24:25.000 That just doesn't make any sense to me.

00:24:29.000 Clearly, I'm not a doctor, and clearly this is a new virus, but it's just so weird that something could be asymptomatic for a huge amount of people, but some people get it and they barely even notice it.

00:24:41.000 They just feel a little bit of fatigue.

00:24:43.000 Some people get a little bit of a cough for a couple days, and then nothing, and other people are dead.

00:24:47.000 Like, it's nuts.

00:24:48.000 It doesn't compute in my head.

00:24:51.000 Like, other things, you know what I'm saying?

00:24:53.000 So have you ever been seriously ill?

00:24:55.000 Yes.

00:24:55.000 I've had the flu.

00:24:57.000 But I mean, like, I'm a cancer survivor.

00:24:59.000 Right, right.

00:25:00.000 So, to me, not saying the flu is not seriously ill.

00:25:04.000 That's flu.

00:25:04.000 You can die from the flu, right?

00:25:06.000 You can die from the flu.

00:25:06.000 We know this.

00:25:09.000 When I got cancer, my show was on MTV. Things were going great.

00:25:12.000 Everything was going great, you know?

00:25:13.000 I got my show on MTV. People were watching.

00:25:16.000 I'd been doing it on public access in Canada for years, six years.

00:25:19.000 I'd been working away, making my own show, because, you know, no one's ever going to give me a friggin' show, so I'll make my own show, right?

00:25:24.000 So I did that before the web.

00:25:25.000 I did that first, right?

00:25:26.000 That's how I always thought like that, you know?

00:25:29.000 All of a sudden, I'm on MTV. Everything's great.

00:25:31.000 Oh, oh, um...

00:25:34.000 Feeling a little funny down there.

00:25:36.000 Fortunately, I went to the doctor, which a lot of young people who get testicular cancer, thank you very much, don't go to the doctor right away.

00:25:43.000 So it spreads, and they die.

00:25:46.000 I went to the doctor.

00:25:47.000 I was lucky I went to the doctor.

00:25:49.000 But for me, having that happen at that time was so bizarre.

00:25:59.000 I sometimes think if I had gotten that...

00:26:02.000 Testicular cancer one year earlier, you know, MTV wouldn't have picked up the show yet.

00:26:08.000 So I would have been in Canada dealing with it and then probably they wouldn't have picked up the show and my life would be completely different.

00:26:13.000 That sort of change and sort of the, you know, I don't believe there's coincidences.

00:26:19.000 Sometimes I don't believe in coincidences.

00:26:21.000 Sometimes I do.

00:26:21.000 I flip-flop on that.

00:26:22.000 But I basically, because of that, what that sort of made me realize is that, like, Life's random.

00:26:32.000 It's not fair. 0.99

00:26:34.000 Shit can happen. 0.99

00:26:36.000 Even if it is unlikely, it might happen to me. 1.00

00:26:40.000 And because of that, having dealt with that, and it just sucked, man. 0.97

00:26:44.000 It sucked having cancer. 0.99

00:26:45.000 Because it wasn't just about removing my right testicle. 1.00

00:26:50.000 That sucks enough. 0.99

00:26:51.000 But it's fine. 0.97

00:26:52.000 I got the left one.

00:26:53.000 It's fine.

00:26:53.000 It's the middle one now.

00:26:54.000 It's fine.

00:26:55.000 It's doing good.

00:26:55.000 I'm doing a bit.

00:26:56.000 But the thing is...

00:26:58.000 They also did the lymph node dissection.

00:27:00.000 It cut me open.

00:27:00.000 It was painful.

00:27:02.000 I was in the hospital for eight weeks or six weeks.

00:27:04.000 It took years to recover from that physically, like pain, nerve damage, slowing down your body.

00:27:15.000 And so I just go, I don't want to go through that again.

00:27:19.000 I'm happy to just stay in my house right now.

00:27:23.000 Cut all, you know, just completely improve my odds.

00:27:28.000 I don't really have anything to do right now anyways.

00:27:31.000 I'm not touring.

00:27:33.000 I have a lot of stuff that I love doing in my house.

00:27:36.000 I'm working on my computer.

00:27:37.000 I'm pro tools.

00:27:38.000 I like making music.

00:27:39.000 I like making hip-hop beats and stuff.

00:27:41.000 But for years I've had these...

00:27:43.000 Little details in that Pro Tools program that I've not unlocked.

00:27:47.000 Little mysteries because I haven't had time to go in and figure out how to mix and do compression and do all the little things that you do.

00:27:53.000 So I'm going down that rabbit hole.

00:27:56.000 I got my sound engineer calling me and I'm doing on FaceTime Pro Tools lessons.

00:28:03.000 And I'm having fun with it.

00:28:04.000 And I'm thinking, okay, I'm doing something with myself right now that is positive.

00:28:10.000 I'm enjoying that.

00:28:12.000 And I'm trying to avoid being hospitalized again because I hate being in the hospital. 0.96

00:28:19.000 It sucks. 0.75

00:28:20.000 Yeah, makes sense. 0.94

00:28:22.000 Are you doing anything differently in terms of how you eat or health-wise or nutrients or taking care of your immune system?

00:28:32.000 Yeah, yes.

00:28:33.000 Well, I heard you say zinc on the show.

00:28:36.000 Don't listen to me.

00:28:37.000 First of all, if you're getting your medical advice from me...

00:28:40.000 Well, no, I had already had the zinc, but that confirmed that I was taking zinc, so I've taken zinc.

00:28:45.000 There's a lot of articles you should read on it, but yeah, zinc's very good.

00:28:48.000 I've been taking vitamins, multivitamins, and then, honestly, I'm not drinking...

00:28:54.000 As much.

00:28:55.000 You know what's unfortunate?

00:28:57.000 YouTube said that they're going to take down anything that doesn't coincide with the World Health Organization's ruling on, you know, what to do about this pandemic.

00:29:07.000 What do you mean?

00:29:08.000 YouTube is taking down things, and I don't know how specific they're going to be about this, but they were saying alternate therapies like vitamin C and things along those lines.

00:29:19.000 Which is kind of unfortunate because unless they're not being that strict about it because I would say if someone's saying how do you if somebody made a video someone who's a nutrition expert and they made a video how to protect your immune system from COVID-19 or maybe Just protect your immune system during the time of COVID-19.

00:29:43.000 So I'm not even saying that it's protecting it from that, but how to boost up your immune system in this very dangerous time in terms of viral infections.

00:29:50.000 Well, there are strategies.

00:29:53.000 There's things you can do, like get more sleep, drink more water, eat healthier, keep your body healthy with nutrients, and making sure you're eating clean, and don't drink alcohol, and don't smoke cigarettes.

00:30:03.000 If you just do those things, this is real.

00:30:05.000 This has actually been proven.

00:30:07.000 Mm-hmm.

00:30:08.000 So I don't know what you can get away with saying and what you can't get away with saying, but you can't always just hope that doctors come up with a cure.

00:30:15.000 Because yes, the doctors are going to come up with a cure, and yes, we need them to do that.

00:30:20.000 But you can't always think that medicine is going to fix you and you can just keep doing what you've always been doing that got you sick in the first place.

00:30:28.000 Because a lot of times when you get sick, it has to do with how you've been living.

00:30:32.000 Not always, but a lot of times.

00:30:34.000 Like, is your immune system already compromised?

00:30:36.000 Are you already weak? 0.56

00:30:38.000 Are you beating up your body and abusing it? 0.99

00:30:39.000 And then boom, then you catch a cold.

00:30:41.000 We all know that's true.

00:30:42.000 So advice on how to strengthen your immune systems, it's important for everybody.

00:30:48.000 Now, if you want people to say, don't say that this is a cure for COVID-19.

00:30:53.000 It's going to keep you from getting COVID-19.

00:30:54.000 Fine.

00:30:55.000 Great.

00:30:56.000 So what, like YouTube's going to take a video down that says, take a lot of vitamins, don't drink alcohol?

00:31:03.000 If it has to do with coronavirus and it's contrary or not in what the World Health Organization has recommended.

00:31:10.000 Which changes every two weeks. 0.99

00:31:11.000 Well, they fucked up. 1.00

00:31:13.000 Wear a mask, don't wear a mask, wear a mask, don't wear a mask. 1.00

00:31:16.000 Good to wear a mask, bad to wear a mask.

00:31:17.000 What? 1.00

00:31:18.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:31:18.000 Somebody posted it on their Twitter the other day. 1.00

00:31:21.000 It might have been Donald Trump Jr. But it showed World Health...

00:31:25.000 No, it was on Instagram.

00:31:26.000 World Health Organization tweet from them from...

00:31:30.000 I guess it was...

00:31:32.000 What time it was last year?

00:31:34.000 I think it was last...

00:31:35.000 I think it was either December or maybe the beginning of this year.

00:31:39.000 But they were saying that the World Health Organization says that it cannot be contracted from person to person.

00:31:44.000 This is a tweet that they put out.

00:31:46.000 So you can't say...

00:31:48.000 How the hell do you get it then?

00:31:49.000 Well, they didn't know then.

00:31:50.000 Directly from a pangolin.

00:31:52.000 Yeah, you have to be there.

00:31:53.000 So don't worry about it.

00:31:55.000 They were getting Chinese propaganda.

00:31:57.000 They were spreading it.

00:31:58.000 But the World Health Organization, when they were posting it, That's absolutely wrong.

00:32:04.000 We all know that's absolutely wrong.

00:32:05.000 So if you say you have to listen to what the World Health Organization says, well, they've been wrong before, right?

00:32:10.000 And I want to know how much they really know about nutrition.

00:32:13.000 How much do they really know about health and fitness?

00:32:15.000 Like, I'm looking at these people.

00:32:16.000 They don't look like the healthiest humans in the world.

00:32:18.000 Just because someone's a scientist, you know what I'm saying?

00:32:21.000 It doesn't mean they're taking care of their own body.

00:32:24.000 That's a problem.

00:32:25.000 No, he's a smart guy, but he might not work out. 0.71

00:32:28.000 I've talked to a lot of really brilliant people, including doctors, that eat shitty food and don't really work out. 0.97

00:32:34.000 It's crazy.

00:32:35.000 I realized I didn't have a lot of vegetables, so I ordered on Amazon, which I'd never used Amazon, by the way.

00:32:42.000 Amazon Fresh?

00:32:43.000 Is that what it's called?

00:32:44.000 Yeah.

00:32:45.000 They were taking too long to deliver, actually.

00:32:47.000 They actually weren't even delivering when I ordered this.

00:32:49.000 But there's other stuff on Amazon that's not Amazon Fresh.

00:32:52.000 Canned corn, okay?

00:32:54.000 I ordered like a couple dozen cans of corn.

00:32:56.000 So I have that, and I sometimes will mix that in.

00:32:58.000 I've been cooking.

00:32:59.000 So to stay healthy, I've been cooking.

00:33:00.000 I like to cook anyways.

00:33:02.000 I like to cook anyways.

00:33:03.000 I believe you.

00:33:04.000 You say that twice like you're trying to convince me.

00:33:06.000 Yeah, because it seems like it might not be a believable thing.

00:33:08.000 But I do like to cook.

00:33:10.000 Why wouldn't it be believable?

00:33:11.000 I don't know.

00:33:13.000 I'm surprised by it, so I figured others might be.

00:33:16.000 I'm not at all.

00:33:17.000 Yeah.

00:33:17.000 I like to cook, but I kind of have a sense for it.

00:33:22.000 I can usually tell that I'm going to like it just by the smells of things.

00:33:26.000 So I have canned corn.

00:33:29.000 I've been cooking a lot of Pasta.

00:33:33.000 I have stuff.

00:33:34.000 I go live on my Instagram story.

00:33:36.000 I do a little cooking show.

00:33:37.000 Sort of.

00:33:38.000 I'm not saying it's a cooking show, but whenever I cook, I do a little Instagram story.

00:33:42.000 I got these San Marzano tomatoes.

00:33:47.000 What are those?

00:33:47.000 They're just like a can of tomatoes, but they're cans of peeled tomatoes.

00:33:52.000 So they're delicious tomatoes, but they last forever because they're canned.

00:33:56.000 So you can have a closet full of them, and they'll last forever, and you'll always have tomatoes.

00:34:00.000 Then I've got the stuff, when I make pasta, it's called ragu or prego sauce.

00:34:08.000 Crazy, that's exotic.

00:34:09.000 Yeah, when I make sauce.

00:34:10.000 But I add the tomatoes to it, thicken it up, throw some canned mushrooms in there.

00:34:15.000 Why are you buying ragu, tomato sauce?

00:34:17.000 It's just to have it...

00:34:18.000 Don't do it.

00:34:19.000 No?

00:34:19.000 No.

00:34:21.000 It's just to have it because in case like, you know, system, if I can't get food for a while, I've got some backup food, you know?

00:34:32.000 Because you remember in the first few weeks of this, people were kind of thinking, Is everything going to shut down, right?

00:34:38.000 So I made sure I had some canned food, you know, like they said.

00:34:41.000 Right, but why ragu?

00:34:43.000 There's other brands you get there.

00:34:45.000 Yeah, well, I have Prego, too.

00:34:47.000 I got the ragu.

00:34:47.000 The ragu is the Alfredo sauce and the Prego is the marinara sauce.

00:34:51.000 But what I'm saying is my cooking, my personal recipe for spaghetti, don't just heat up the ragu.

00:34:57.000 Put in some canned tomatoes in it.

00:34:59.000 Way better.

00:35:00.000 Okay.

00:35:01.000 But I wouldn't normally do that.

00:35:03.000 I wouldn't normally have canned corn.

00:35:04.000 I wouldn't normally think about having vegetables, the kind of person that I'll eat rice.

00:35:09.000 So do you think you had a premonition or do you think you saw what was going on in China and you were like, you know what, it would be a good move to have a month's worth of food here.

00:35:17.000 Yeah.

00:35:18.000 It's not like some sort of superstitious thing.

00:35:20.000 You don't feel like the universe is sending you a signal and you need to go buy corn.

00:35:27.000 Well, I watched one of your shows recently where you're talking about, I love this episode, where you're talking about, are we living in a simulation?

00:35:35.000 Yes.

00:35:35.000 Okay.

00:35:35.000 So I was...

00:35:38.000 I love talking about this stuff.

00:35:40.000 It doesn't mean that I'm, oh, I think we're living in a simulation.

00:35:43.000 Oh, I think that we, you know, doomsday is coming.

00:35:45.000 Not necessarily, but I do love the thought experiment of talking about it and thinking about it.

00:35:50.000 And so after I was watching that show, your show, I was really thinking about it a lot.

00:35:54.000 I had a long conversation with my mom about how, you know, we could be living in a simulation.

00:35:59.000 What do you mean?

00:36:00.000 Well, I mean, the computers are getting so fast.

00:36:03.000 I mean, they're going to be able to program computers that have conscious...

00:36:07.000 You know, that little character on the computer might be able to start to think, and then it might start to be able to self-determine, and then we could just be an advanced version of that, and how would we ever know?

00:36:15.000 And my mom's sitting there going, oh, what are you talking about? 0.98

00:36:18.000 And then I had a pretty long day of talking about this with my mom and trying to convince her not that we're living in a simulation, but that it's possible we could be living in a simulation.

00:36:27.000 My mother wasn't really buying it, right?

00:36:30.000 And then two weeks later, this happens, and I'm thinking...

00:36:33.000 Is this like because we're living in a simulation?

00:36:36.000 Because if you were living in a simulation and then you started talking about it and then the creator of the simulation heard that, he might start a pandemic.

00:36:45.000 Maybe the problem is the term simulation.

00:36:48.000 Yeah.

00:36:49.000 Because if you're living in a simulation, then it becomes your whole life.

00:36:53.000 Like, is that simulated anymore?

00:36:55.000 Like, what is that?

00:36:56.000 Like, maybe it's always been a simulation.

00:36:59.000 Mm-hmm.

00:37:00.000 Maybe if you stop and think about events that take place that ultimately all seem to be leading towards events, right?

00:37:08.000 When you think about the invention of electricity and then the electronics of the 80s and the 90s that led to everyone having a home computer, that led to everybody having a computer in your pocket, that listens to everything you say and takes pictures and uploads video.

00:37:23.000 Just keeps getting more and more advanced and more and more intertwined with you being a person until one day you enter it and you become a part of it.

00:37:34.000 And they create something inside the world of computers that's far more compelling than the regular world itself.

00:37:40.000 But maybe that's just a natural course of progression, and that's where life is going anyway.

00:37:45.000 Like, maybe that's just a new kind of life, a new dimension of life, and that all these things just come about through that.

00:37:53.000 They come about through either natural causes, like, you know, star supernova-ing, and, you know, everything coalesces, and things become carbon-based life forms emerge, and life becomes what it is in 2020. Or those things figure out how to open up new realities and that what a simulation would be would just be another reality.

00:38:16.000 That we were created by some person doing the exact same thing that we're doing right now.

00:38:22.000 That one day we get to the point where technology is so spectacularly advanced That you could have a new world that's indiscernible, like you can't tell that it's not real.

00:38:36.000 It's impossible to tell.

00:38:38.000 You are in that world now, and that's where you exist.

00:38:41.000 That's what I was trying to convince my mother that we might actually be in.

00:38:44.000 It's possible.

00:38:44.000 She wasn't buying it.

00:38:45.000 Dude, Elon Musk thinks that.

00:38:47.000 Elon Musk thinks that and he freaks me out.

00:38:49.000 I know.

00:38:50.000 I saw that on your show too.

00:38:52.000 He's one of those...

00:38:52.000 Have you ever talked to him?

00:38:53.000 No, no.

00:38:54.000 Look him in his eyes.

00:38:55.000 You're like, what's going on there, man?

00:38:57.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:38:57.000 Some extra shit's happening in there. 0.99

00:38:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:00.000 Because when you got a guy that intelligent and he's saying there's a 1% chance or one in a billion chance that we're not living in a simulation, you think...

00:39:09.000 Okay.

00:39:09.000 So you're just messing with me?

00:39:12.000 What was the gentleman's name that I was having a discussion with?

00:39:16.000 Bostrom?

00:39:17.000 Nick Bostrom?

00:39:18.000 Yeah, I think I was watching.

00:39:20.000 That was a very complicated discussion.

00:39:21.000 We were talking about probability theory.

00:39:23.000 The probability of us living life inside of a simulation is actually higher.

00:39:30.000 Because ultimately we're going to come up with a simulation someday.

00:39:33.000 And then when you talk about this stuff enough, And when you watch your show, which I do, and you listen to these complex conversations, right?

00:39:41.000 And you start thinking about it.

00:39:43.000 And you start thinking about all the possibilities of what could happen.

00:39:45.000 And then this pandemic happens.

00:39:48.000 And then, you know...

00:39:51.000 I still live in the same place where I did the show.

00:39:54.000 I started seeing...

00:39:56.000 I'm here in Los Angeles.

00:39:57.000 You saw them too.

00:39:58.000 All of a sudden you're seeing Blackhawk helicopters going by every day.

00:40:02.000 You're seeing Apache helicopters going by.

00:40:04.000 You're seeing the Ospreys.

00:40:07.000 You see the Ospreys going by every day in the first week of this.

00:40:11.000 And you're thinking, what's going on, Matt?

00:40:13.000 Do you watch The Walking Dead?

00:40:14.000 You know, I haven't watched it.

00:40:16.000 Let me tell you something.

00:40:16.000 The Walking Dead, the first few seasons were awesome.

00:40:18.000 I'm going to hear about it now.

00:40:20.000 The first few seasons were awesome, but maybe even better is the first season of the LA version of The Walking Dead.

00:40:24.000 What's that one called?

00:40:27.000 Fear of the Walking Dead, right?

00:40:28.000 Something like that.

00:40:29.000 The first couple episodes of that are spectacular.

00:40:33.000 The first season's pretty good, but they did it very differently than the other Walking Dead. 0.97

00:40:38.000 But, you know, it takes a while for people to realize what the fuck is happening.

00:40:43.000 It sort of felt like, is that what happened? 0.94

00:40:45.000 In the beginning?

00:40:46.000 In the beginning?

00:40:47.000 Oh, yeah, man.

00:40:47.000 In the beginning, it felt touch and go.

00:40:49.000 When everybody was hoarding all the toilet paper and people were fighting.

00:40:53.000 Like, whoa!

00:40:54.000 And everyone wants a gun.

00:40:56.000 The gun lines were giant.

00:40:57.000 Right.

00:40:58.000 The lines outside the gun stores were creepy.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:02.000 Were you in one of those lines?

00:41:03.000 No, no, I have guns.

00:41:05.000 Yeah, sure you do.

00:41:06.000 I'm not waiting in line.

00:41:08.000 I have a theory about the toilet paper.

00:41:10.000 Maybe it's obvious, but...

00:41:13.000 I don't know.

00:41:13.000 Maybe it's not obvious.

00:41:14.000 I don't know.

00:41:15.000 So, toilet paper is big.

00:41:17.000 Yes.

00:41:18.000 So, because it's big, it takes up a lot of shelf space.

00:41:21.000 Maybe everyone's talked about this already, but it takes up a lot of shelf space.

00:41:24.000 So, all of a sudden, everybody went to the grocery store at the same time, and there's probably far less toilet paper at the grocery store than it would appear, just because it takes an entire aisle, because it's big.

00:41:36.000 So, everybody bought one piece of...

00:41:40.000 Package of toilet paper on the first day.

00:41:42.000 It was instantly all gone.

00:41:43.000 It's instantly an entire empty aisle, which is dramatic looking.

00:41:48.000 And it was the first sign of shelves being cleared.

00:41:52.000 And it was the toilet paper was gone. 1.00

00:41:54.000 And everyone went on their fucking phones. 0.99

00:41:56.000 They're just putting a run of toilet paper. 0.99

00:41:57.000 And all of a sudden, that compounded it exponentially.

00:42:00.000 And now everyone's going for the toilet paper.

00:42:02.000 And they don't need to be going for the toilet paper.

00:42:04.000 And we had the great toilet paper shortage of 2020. This is the type of investigative reporting you do when you're alone for five weeks.

00:42:13.000 You're breaking it down with a Columbo of toilet paper.

00:42:17.000 That makes 100% sense.

00:42:19.000 Because it's big.

00:42:20.000 Everyone grabbed a can of corn, everyone grabbed a can of beans, but it didn't create an entire empty aisle that then got people thinking, talking, and tweeting, and typing, and Instagramming. 0.98

00:42:28.000 It's also something dumb people think about a lot. 1.00

00:42:31.000 It's shitting. 1.00

00:42:35.000 You don't want to not be able to wipe your ass. 1.00

00:42:37.000 Yeah, but out of all the things you need, do you understand what it's like when shit goes down? 1.00

00:42:41.000 Get a rag and a bucket of water, okay? 1.00

00:42:44.000 Wash your ass with a washcloth, because shit is going down. 1.00

00:42:48.000 That's the last thing you need to worry about is toilet paper. 1.00

00:42:51.000 You need to worry about consuming food and staying alive.

00:42:55.000 Some people don't think it's ever going to get to that, and those are the ones that stock up on toilet paper.

00:42:59.000 The ones who buy rice and beans and stuff like that, those are the people that are legitimately planning ahead.

00:43:05.000 You want to stay alive. 1.00

00:43:07.000 Wipe your ass. 1.00

00:43:09.000 Beans, corn, and rice, that's what I read was enough vitamins and everything you need. 1.00

00:43:17.000 Sure, you don't get enough protein that way, but you get some from beans.

00:43:20.000 Oh, really?

00:43:20.000 Yeah, it's just not as available.

00:43:22.000 It's not as bioavailable as it is in other foods.

00:43:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:43:26.000 You can get some protein.

00:43:27.000 You just gotta eat a lot.

00:43:29.000 It's not as complete as some forms of protein.

00:43:33.000 So how have you been enjoying doing the podcast since this started?

00:43:39.000 Obviously, it becomes a big subject of conversation, right?

00:43:43.000 Do you sometimes not want to talk about it anymore?

00:43:46.000 I mean, when your guests come in, is everyone always talking about the pandemic and what they're eating?

00:43:52.000 Don't worry about them, man.

00:43:53.000 I want to just talk to you.

00:43:54.000 You just go with the flow.

00:43:54.000 Yeah, we're just having a conversation.

00:43:56.000 Sometimes it's repetitive, unfortunately, because the people that are listening in, they listen to me having conversations with people that haven't heard the other conversations, and we wind up talking about the same shit. 0.98

00:44:05.000 But that seems... 0.98

00:44:08.000 The more I think about doing it, the best way to do it is just talk to people.

00:44:12.000 Just have a talk.

00:44:13.000 Just talk.

00:44:14.000 Just think about how would you normally talk.

00:44:17.000 You'd have to talk about this. 0.98

00:44:18.000 If I didn't see my friend Tom Green in a long time, then all of a sudden we're here, and you're like, bro, what the fuck is going on? 0.94

00:44:23.000 We're just going to ignore it? 0.94

00:44:25.000 Exactly.

00:44:25.000 Because really, we only talked for, like, there was a couple times we were having conversations out there.

00:44:29.000 We were like, gotta save it, save it, save it, save it, save it.

00:44:32.000 Because I haven't seen you in a while.

00:44:34.000 But gotta talk about it.

00:44:37.000 We're living in madness.

00:44:38.000 It's a weird thing when you talk about something in the hallway.

00:44:40.000 I told you the story, but now I'm doing what I said I didn't want to do.

00:44:44.000 But Ed McMahon used to come up and do my web show that we were talking about.

00:44:48.000 And, you know, Johnny Carson's sidekick.

00:44:51.000 I never got to meet Johnny Carson, but I got to meet Ed McMahon.

00:44:54.000 That's pretty dope that you met Ed McMahon.

00:44:56.000 Yeah.

00:44:56.000 We became friendly.

00:44:57.000 He came and did it all the time.

00:44:59.000 Really?

00:45:00.000 He did it like four times or something.

00:45:02.000 Wow.

00:45:02.000 Because I think he just...

00:45:03.000 Yeah, I had a curtain.

00:45:05.000 I had a kind of shiny curtain.

00:45:07.000 Yeah.

00:45:08.000 I had a desk.

00:45:09.000 I had the desk.

00:45:11.000 And I just think he felt like it was fun for him.

00:45:13.000 No pressure.

00:45:14.000 We're doing a little kind of make-believe tonight show or whatever.

00:45:18.000 That's awesome, man.

00:45:18.000 And he'd come up and I was just so overjoyed that he was there.

00:45:22.000 And we'd stand in the hallway and I'd start talking to him.

00:45:25.000 And he'd say...

00:45:26.000 I could tell he'd get quiet.

00:45:28.000 He was never quiet on the show, but he'd get quiet before the show.

00:45:31.000 And I was like, is he not in a good mood the first couple of times?

00:45:34.000 And he said, don't leave it in the hallway, Tom.

00:45:37.000 Don't leave it in the hallway.

00:45:38.000 And I realized, oh, he doesn't want to have the same conversation again.

00:45:41.000 And it made it a lot easier for me as the host of the show in my living room because then I didn't feel We're good to go. 0.99

00:46:08.000 And they're like, fuck, what were we just talking about? 0.99

00:46:10.000 Oh, I forgot, man. 0.98

00:46:11.000 And then you're talking about it again, and you know you're talking about it again, and they know, and then you're trying to pretend that you haven't heard it before, and you're kind of doing this sort of, can't really force the laugh, but you do, and then it doesn't feel right.

00:46:24.000 Awkward.

00:46:26.000 Yeah.

00:46:27.000 But I love the rhythm to these kinds of conversations.

00:46:34.000 That's something that I really love.

00:46:36.000 As you know, I love doing what you do.

00:46:40.000 I love doing this.

00:46:40.000 I love talking to people.

00:46:42.000 I love creating, whether it's an interview or a conversation, I love listening to people and just...

00:46:50.000 Waiting and feeling that rhythm of it.

00:46:52.000 It's something that's very interesting to me, which took a long time to figure out.

00:46:56.000 And that's what's kind of exciting about doing this stuff, is you do learn as you do these shows.

00:47:02.000 And where else would you ever have the opportunity in the history of broadcasting, right, to have built your own studio and go, oh, I'm going to do, you know, how many thousand shows have you done now?

00:47:13.000 I'm going to do a thousand shows, right?

00:47:14.000 I mean, you've got more, you know, Time as a interviewer than anyone, like in history, other than the few handful of people that had shows that didn't get canceled, right?

00:47:27.000 Everyone else, they got a chance to do a talk show.

00:47:29.000 They got to do it for a few weeks or a few months or a few years and then they get canceled.

00:47:32.000 Well, there's radio guys.

00:47:33.000 Radio guys have been doing it forever, like Stern.

00:47:36.000 Way, way, way more people talk.

00:47:37.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:47:38.000 Now you're in that category of people where you've got 10,000 hours of interviewing time.

00:47:44.000 It's pretty awesome.

00:47:46.000 It's pretty weird.

00:47:47.000 Yeah.

00:47:47.000 It's not 10,000 hours.

00:47:49.000 How many thousand now?

00:47:50.000 1,000 something?

00:47:51.000 1,000 shows?

00:47:53.000 1,500 shows?

00:47:54.000 1,500 shows.

00:47:55.000 And the longest ones are like...

00:47:56.000 Well, there's a few five-hour ones in there.

00:47:59.000 The Kevin Smith one.

00:48:00.000 A couple of them that were like four or five hours.

00:48:02.000 Most of them are three or under.

00:48:04.000 Yeah.

00:48:04.000 Was it in the early days of it, when you were doing it in your house...

00:48:10.000 How long did you love it being in the house?

00:48:14.000 And then at what point did it start to be like, I don't want to do this in my house anymore?

00:48:18.000 Well, when I was bringing over people that I didn't know, then I was like, just to see it feels awkward to bring them to my house.

00:48:26.000 It also feels like I was...

00:48:30.000 It wasn't the right setup.

00:48:32.000 I was like, if I'm doing this all the time, I should have a better setup.

00:48:35.000 I should figure out how to do this better.

00:48:37.000 So for a while, Red Band set up at the Ice House.

00:48:40.000 We did it there.

00:48:41.000 We just did a show together, Red Band and I. We did a weekend at San Diego at the American Comedy Company right before this.

00:48:48.000 That's a great little club.

00:48:49.000 I love that spot.

00:48:50.000 I love San Diego.

00:48:51.000 San Diego is an awesome spot for comedy, too.

00:48:54.000 And then I got a place near here that was smaller.

00:48:59.000 And then I was like, okay, I want to build something crazy.

00:49:02.000 I want to build something where it's like, what would I do if I was me? 0.97

00:49:06.000 If you're like, oh, if I was Tom Green, I would set up a fucking internet studio in my house. 0.95

00:49:10.000 Well, if I was Joe Rogan, what would I do? 1.00

00:49:13.000 I should have all the shit that I want. 1.00

00:49:15.000 Like a gym and, you know, float tank, sauna. 0.99

00:49:19.000 It's incredible.

00:49:20.000 That's the most fun part about this place.

00:49:24.000 But you could never have a place like this if you had, like, a real company behind you.

00:49:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:29.000 Like, if you were an employee, like Showtime, if Showtime put some Tom Green show together and you're like, oh, I want an indoor archery range, like, listen, we can't do that.

00:49:38.000 You can't. 0.84

00:49:39.000 You're going to kill somebody. 0.98

00:49:40.000 Crossbow in the studio? 0.99

00:49:41.000 No, maybe not.

00:49:42.000 You can't do that.

00:49:42.000 Well, I want to set up a gym.

00:49:44.000 Hold on.

00:49:45.000 We need everyone to sign a waiver.

00:49:47.000 We're going to enter this gym.

00:49:48.000 You're lifting weights.

00:49:49.000 This is crazy.

00:49:50.000 Let me talk to the lawyers.

00:49:51.000 Tom, the gym has to be in a separate building.

00:49:55.000 You have to have key cards to get into it.

00:49:57.000 Everyone has to sign a release.

00:50:00.000 You would never be able to put whatever you want on the walls.

00:50:03.000 You wouldn't be able to.

00:50:04.000 It wouldn't be the same.

00:50:05.000 And then there's always the looming possibility of it all being taken away at somebody's whim.

00:50:09.000 That's what we were talking about on your show.

00:50:11.000 That was that conversation in 2007. I just put up the pictures.

00:50:17.000 Sorry, pulling the plug on it, Tom.

00:50:19.000 We just bought all the new furniture.

00:50:20.000 We heard you say dyke. 1.00

00:50:22.000 You said it.

00:50:23.000 It's all over!

00:50:25.000 You called some lovely woman a dyke. 1.00

00:50:28.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:50:31.000 But was there a moment, though, in your house when you were doing it where something happened that made you say, this is, you know, like, did anyone ever come up and not want to leave after?

00:50:41.000 No, no, no, it was nothing bad.

00:50:44.000 It just always seems like it's time to do something new.

00:50:48.000 See, my problem was I was drinking a lot more back then.

00:50:53.000 Do you drink now at all?

00:50:56.000 I do.

00:50:57.000 Do you?

00:50:57.000 But a lot less.

00:50:58.000 Actually, I'll tell you, when I started doing stand-up again...

00:51:01.000 10 or 11 years ago, I started doing it again.

00:51:03.000 Want to have a drink right now?

00:51:05.000 Sure.

00:51:06.000 Yeah, of course.

00:51:06.000 Let's get us a couple of drinks.

00:51:07.000 Of course I will.

00:51:09.000 Have a drink with you on your show.

00:51:11.000 Of course I will.

00:51:11.000 Just like a clip of us drinking.

00:51:13.000 Yeah, of course.

00:51:15.000 But...

00:51:16.000 Absolutely I will.

00:51:17.000 But, you know, the thing is, is I don't as much anymore.

00:51:21.000 And back then I was...

00:51:23.000 You're a booze a little too much.

00:51:24.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:51:25.000 Yeah, and I think what I thought was, I got a little too carried away with the idea of, hey, we can drink on the show.

00:51:31.000 Right, right, right.

00:51:32.000 I remember that.

00:51:32.000 We were drinking Coronas.

00:51:34.000 That's one of the things that people were pointing out.

00:51:35.000 Like, oh, you're drinking a Corona beer.

00:51:37.000 Corona beer took a big hit.

00:51:40.000 So crazy.

00:51:41.000 I bet, yeah. 1.00

00:51:41.000 People are so dumb. 1.00

00:51:42.000 They're blaming the name of the beer on a virus. 0.99

00:51:45.000 Yeah, I was thinking in the beginning, like, hey, why don't they just call it COVID-19 or something, just to, you know, companies...

00:51:51.000 Anyways.

00:51:52.000 What if Corona just changed?

00:51:54.000 They had a COVID-19, like, a special edition?

00:51:58.000 Have some fun with it.

00:51:59.000 Yeah.

00:52:00.000 Grandpa's dead.

00:52:01.000 Have some fun.

00:52:02.000 He died choking on his own lung fluid.

00:52:06.000 So I was having fun with that, but I feel like that maybe...

00:52:12.000 I forgot where I was going with that, but the point is...

00:52:15.000 Ooh, nice.

00:52:18.000 What do we got here?

00:52:19.000 Do we have any more bottles of this?

00:52:20.000 This thing's almost empty.

00:52:22.000 A little whiskey there, huh?

00:52:24.000 That's my drink.

00:52:25.000 I've been drinking Bushmills.

00:52:27.000 Oh.

00:52:28.000 Is that a specific type?

00:52:29.000 It's from Belfast.

00:52:30.000 It's Irish whiskey.

00:52:32.000 It's a healthy pour there.

00:52:34.000 Yeah, it's cool, Jude.

00:52:34.000 Awesome.

00:52:35.000 Beautiful.

00:52:35.000 Thank you.

00:52:38.000 I won't be having any more.

00:52:40.000 I'll just have those.

00:52:40.000 That's fine.

00:52:41.000 That's all you need.

00:52:42.000 A little sip.

00:52:43.000 It's not bad for you.

00:52:44.000 It's been proven.

00:52:45.000 Sorry, what is that?

00:52:46.000 That's Buffalo Trace.

00:52:48.000 This company's been around since 1773, son.

00:52:51.000 Oh, I heard you talking about that.

00:52:52.000 It's one of my sponsors.

00:52:53.000 I heard you talking about that. 0.99

00:52:54.000 Look, there's actual buffalo testicles on the label. 0.99

00:52:57.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

00:52:58.000 Don't make me jealous.

00:52:59.000 Respect.

00:53:00.000 I used to have two of those.

00:53:01.000 I still have one.

00:53:05.000 So we were talking about drinking, doing the studio.

00:53:07.000 You said it got a little carried away because you could drink there?

00:53:11.000 Oh, I know where I was going with it.

00:53:13.000 So, of course, people like to drink.

00:53:17.000 My guests like to drink, too.

00:53:18.000 I have a lot of great guests coming up.

00:53:21.000 You know, sometimes we'd have a few too many, sometimes turned into, every time we had a few too many, turned into, it turned into a party every night, it turned into a party that never ended every night, it turned into, you know, I remember like, we had great stories too, don't get me wrong,

00:53:36.000 it was bad.

00:53:37.000 I mean, I remember Norm MacDonald would come up, and I, you know, I'm from, Norm's from Ottawa, okay?

00:53:41.000 I'm from Ottawa, Canada, the capital of Canada, okay?

00:53:47.000 I grew up loving Norm, okay?

00:53:50.000 Because when I was a teenager, I was doing amateur night, they called it.

00:53:53.000 That's what they used to call open mic nights at Yuck Yucks in Ottawa, amateur night.

00:53:56.000 I'd do that.

00:53:57.000 And Norm would come through town.

00:53:58.000 He hadn't blown up yet.

00:54:01.000 He was Norm.

00:54:02.000 He was 25 years old.

00:54:03.000 He was my favorite.

00:54:04.000 Him and Harland Williams and Jeremy Hotz.

00:54:07.000 Those guys were my favorite.

00:54:09.000 And so...

00:54:12.000 Having grown up idolizing those guys.

00:54:16.000 And then all of a sudden, they're up at my house.

00:54:17.000 And now we're having a drink.

00:54:19.000 And now the show ends.

00:54:20.000 Now the show ends.

00:54:20.000 And Norm's having fun.

00:54:22.000 I'm having fun.

00:54:22.000 Let's go look at some YouTube videos.

00:54:24.000 So now we're watching YouTube videos until 4 or 5 in the morning.

00:54:27.000 And then that starts happening every night with other people and everybody.

00:54:30.000 And all of a sudden, it's like I wake up in the morning.

00:54:32.000 You know, there's...

00:54:33.000 Beer, like the floor is sticky.

00:54:36.000 Like the floor in my house, you know, I've got a nice place, right?

00:54:38.000 The floor is sticky, right?

00:54:40.000 And then the housing crash, the housing market crashed, and I was doing this thing.

00:54:46.000 Oh, here's another thing.

00:54:47.000 Okay.

00:54:48.000 The technology changed.

00:54:49.000 And so every like few months, oh, the cameras are obsolete, you know?

00:54:54.000 The 4x3 cameras don't fit in the aspect ratio.

00:54:57.000 You've got to get all new cameras.

00:54:58.000 Okay, so I've got to spend $6,000 on new cameras just to keep it working.

00:55:04.000 I've already spent all...

00:55:04.000 Okay.

00:55:05.000 And then the house is worth like half of what I paid for it.

00:55:07.000 I'm like, am I underwater here?

00:55:09.000 And not to mention that, the floor is sticky.

00:55:12.000 I've screwed things into the ceiling.

00:55:14.000 I've ruined it.

00:55:15.000 I've ruined the house that's worth half of what I paid for.

00:55:17.000 I'm like, maybe I should get rid of the studio out of the house.

00:55:21.000 This is not healthy.

00:55:22.000 But, no, and there was also, you know, this...

00:55:25.000 Did you want a semblance of normalcy?

00:55:27.000 Didn't you want a house? 0.87

00:55:28.000 Well, it also, what happened was...

00:55:31.000 Cheers.

00:55:34.000 Cheers.

00:55:40.000 Also, what happened was...

00:55:44.000 You know, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to monetize it, okay?

00:55:50.000 Because it just wasn't really what people were doing quite yet.

00:55:56.000 And I had people all over the world calling in and watching.

00:55:59.000 We were getting a lot of views.

00:56:00.000 The moment when I realized something cool was happening...

00:56:05.000 With the views, we figured this thing out.

00:56:07.000 Kat Von D came on the show.

00:56:10.000 You know Kat Von D. She came on the show. 0.98

00:56:13.000 She had a MySpace page with like a gazillion followers.

00:56:17.000 This is a funny story, actually.

00:56:19.000 I hope it is, at least.

00:56:21.000 We embedded the feed to her MySpace page.

00:56:27.000 All of a sudden, we had a million views on that one feed.

00:56:31.000 Oh my god, this is amazing.

00:56:33.000 Then...

00:56:35.000 The end of the month comes, I get a bill from the server company.

00:56:40.000 We hadn't talked about, if you had a million views, a bill for $40,000.

00:56:47.000 I'm like, what?

00:56:49.000 They go, oh, well, we charge per clicks.

00:56:51.000 I mean, no, we always had this thing, but now we have a thing where it's...

00:56:54.000 So, I mean, in fairness to them, they didn't make me pay it, but they wanted me to pay it until I was crying on the phone.

00:57:03.000 I just got new cameras.

00:57:05.000 This is great.

00:57:06.000 The ceiling's got holes in it.

00:57:08.000 So they didn't make me pay it.

00:57:10.000 Thank you very much to everybody.

00:57:12.000 I won't even say their name in that story, but thank you to them for that.

00:57:16.000 But it became a lot of pressure, financial pressure, to keep it going.

00:57:21.000 I'd been doing it for a long time.

00:57:23.000 I'd grown kind of...

00:57:26.000 You know, I started to find myself annoyed with doing it, you know?

00:57:30.000 And then I just one day just realized I want to start doing stand-up again.

00:57:38.000 And I just – I had always wanted to, right?

00:57:42.000 I did it when I was a kid.

00:57:43.000 It always felt like a thing that I – When I was doing stand-up, I stopped when I started my public access show because I'm a focus.

00:57:51.000 I focus, right?

00:57:52.000 So I had the public access show.

00:57:54.000 I don't have time to do that anymore.

00:57:55.000 I focused on that, right?

00:57:57.000 For 10 years.

00:57:58.000 And in the back of my mind, I was always like, man...

00:58:02.000 I left that on the table, you know?

00:58:04.000 So I found that that was going to be my way of monetizing my web show, was I'm going to go on tour and all of a sudden I started, I jumped up the comedy store and I felt that feeling, you know, that feeling I hadn't felt since I was, you know, 19 was the last time I'd done it, you know?

00:58:20.000 And I did well, right?

00:58:22.000 It was like the fear of like, oh, am I going to bomb?

00:58:25.000 It was just instantly gone. 1.00

00:58:28.000 And I realized, shit. 1.00

00:58:29.000 And then I went back. 1.00

00:58:30.000 I started going back.

00:58:31.000 I started going back.

00:58:32.000 Then I started getting booked.

00:58:35.000 All of a sudden, six years of doing the web show and paying for it out of my pocket and worrying about it, and all of a sudden, whoa, I'm like making good money doing stand-up.

00:58:46.000 I like this idea, getting paid to do what I love to do as opposed to paying for what I love to do.

00:58:53.000 And so then I'd come home from the road.

00:58:55.000 And the equipment was getting more obsolete, too.

00:58:58.000 It was like it was dust on it, and the camera worked.

00:59:02.000 You turn it on, it wouldn't work as well.

00:59:04.000 You'd have to figure it out.

00:59:05.000 And I'd come home, and I'd look at the house, and I was tired from being on the road.

00:59:12.000 I didn't want to turn on the studio.

00:59:13.000 I thought, yeah.

00:59:15.000 I'm going to take the studio out of the house and I'm going to go focus on trying to become as good of a stand-up as I can possibly be.

00:59:25.000 And this is what year?

00:59:26.000 What year did you start?

00:59:28.000 Probably about 11 years ago.

00:59:30.000 And then I've been on the road for the last 11 years.

00:59:34.000 I've talked a bit about this, but I've been going hard, man.

00:59:37.000 I've been going everywhere.

00:59:38.000 I've been all over the world.

00:59:39.000 Every club in the U.S., I'm loving it and I just love doing it.

00:59:44.000 What I love about stand-up is I'm not sure if this is true at your point, but for me, I still feel like every time I get on stage, I feel like I'm learning something and getting better at it.

00:59:58.000 Every single time.

00:59:59.000 Yeah, me too.

01:00:00.000 I've done thousands of shows, but then how can I walk off stage and feel like that was the best show?

01:00:06.000 That's what I said the last time.

01:00:07.000 That's what I said the time before.

01:00:09.000 But I love that feeling of like, oh, there's somewhere...

01:00:12.000 We're moving somewhere with this.

01:00:14.000 We're figuring something out.

01:00:17.000 It's very fulfilling.

01:00:18.000 Well, it's clearly something that the more you do it, the better you get at it.

01:00:21.000 If you're enthusiastic and you're concentrating on it, the more you do it, the better you get at it.

01:00:25.000 And the more years you have in, it's like the more data You've processed how to do it right and how to do it wrong and what to avoid and what to emphasize and all these different things.

01:00:37.000 They just get to a greater and greater understanding of this thing.

01:00:40.000 So really, there is a difference between like 10 years and 20 years, 20 years and 30 years.

01:00:47.000 As long as you really are still passionate about it, you will still get better at it.

01:00:52.000 Dom Herrera said this to me, and Dom's been doing it longer than me.

01:00:55.000 I remember watching Dom on TV when I was thinking about doing comedy.

01:00:59.000 He was already on TV. And when I became friends with him, he was like one of the first guys that was friends with.

01:01:03.000 He was like, I can't believe I'm friends with Dom Herrera. 0.75

01:01:06.000 And to this day, Dom's been doing comedy probably 40 fucking years. 0.65

01:01:10.000 To this day, he still says, you know, you just keep concentrating on it, you still get better. 0.96

01:01:16.000 I'm like, that is the craziest thing, isn't it?

01:01:18.000 As long as you're still locked in, and some guys like Dom are still locked in, he still crushes.

01:01:24.000 I've seen Dom at the Comedy Store.

01:01:26.000 I know.

01:01:26.000 Which is so inspiring.

01:01:28.000 Oh, with new shit. 1.00

01:01:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:30.000 Just fucking around, light with the audience, having a good time. 1.00

01:01:34.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

01:01:35.000 Been doing it forever.

01:01:35.000 Still loves it.

01:01:36.000 Still loves doing stand-up.

01:01:38.000 And I think that's what's up.

01:01:39.000 It's like whatever you're doing, whether it was your public access show or whether it's you doing stand-up or maybe you become an author, whatever the fuck it is, that thing, you just have to really be all in on that thing and really be interested in that thing.

01:01:52.000 And if you are, you're going to get better at it. 0.79

01:01:55.000 You're going to get better at it.

01:01:56.000 You're going to have bad times and good times and jokes that suck and jokes that are better.

01:02:02.000 Some jokes you have to abandon.

01:02:03.000 They're never going to work.

01:02:04.000 You try them.

01:02:04.000 You're like, what is wrong with this?

01:02:06.000 I can't seem to get—let me just put it aside for a little bit.

01:02:08.000 And you might come back to it two years from now.

01:02:10.000 You're like, oh, that tomato joke. 0.98

01:02:12.000 And then you go back and then you start fucking around with the tomato bit again. 0.97

01:02:15.000 You bring it—you reintroduce it to the crowd. 0.98

01:02:17.000 You never know, man.

01:02:19.000 It's like a living forest of ideas.

01:02:21.000 That's what an act is.

01:02:23.000 It's like a life form.

01:02:25.000 And it's like you fertilize it with information and knowledge and you keep paying attention to it constantly.

01:02:32.000 In a good way, too.

01:02:34.000 Just like you're supposed to sing to plants.

01:02:35.000 Pay attention to that act.

01:02:37.000 Go there with enthusiasm.

01:02:38.000 Be happy that you can do it.

01:02:39.000 And this is one thing that's going to happen to a lot of comics.

01:02:42.000 After this break, when you come back you're going to be so thankful, so thankful that you can make people feel good, that we can all have a night out together where people come and they're on dates and they're just happy to be there and they're there to have a good time and the comics are so happy that everybody's there and everybody gets just a good old love fest out of it.

01:03:04.000 Just let's appreciate what we had.

01:03:06.000 I think we all appreciated what we had at the store.

01:03:09.000 But I think now everyone's gonna really, really appreciate how special that place is and how special stand-up comedy is across the world.

01:03:16.000 It's a special thing to be able to get in front of people and make your ideas change their physical state.

01:03:24.000 You know, when people are laughing about something, they're having a great time, someone's killing on stage, it changes.

01:03:31.000 It's like you're giving them a happy drug.

01:03:33.000 When someone makes you laugh, it feels good.

01:03:35.000 That's why we gravitate towards stand-up.

01:03:37.000 When Joey Diaz is on stage crushing, you feel good.

01:03:42.000 You're like...

01:03:44.000 That feeling that you get, it's like everything feels amazing and you and I get to feel that all the time.

01:03:51.000 We're so lucky.

01:03:53.000 We get to hang out with some of the best, funniest people in the world and make each other laugh and just joke around and hang out in that back bar and Tell war stories and just laugh and have so much fun.

01:04:08.000 And I think one great thing about this for us is it's going to make us appreciate how special and how fortunate that is.

01:04:15.000 I think for a lot of other people, during this time off that have been on the fence about quitting what they do, I bet a lot of people are going to change course in their career.

01:04:24.000 I bet a lot of people are going to realize, you know what?

01:04:26.000 This could all be just taken away from me.

01:04:28.000 I'm playing it safe.

01:04:29.000 And even though I'm playing it safe, doing something I don't want to do, it still got taken away from me.

01:04:33.000 And I didn't even have a chance to take a chance.

01:04:36.000 I was trying to do this thing and do the right thing and follow my degree and...

01:04:41.000 Now they're going to go, since this can be taken away from me at any time, I'm going to do what I want to do. 0.82

01:04:45.000 I'm going to try to find out how to make a career, whatever their interest is, whether it's making tents or fucking painting, whatever it is. 0.78

01:04:53.000 Whatever it is. 0.97

01:04:54.000 Making tents.

01:04:55.000 Yeah, some people are into making tents.

01:04:56.000 Somebody literally is into making tents.

01:04:58.000 For sure.

01:04:59.000 At what point do they decide they want to do that, though?

01:05:02.000 At what point in life?

01:05:03.000 When they're a kid camping, they go, someday I'm going to make a better one of these.

01:05:06.000 This thing's leaking right now.

01:05:07.000 Exactly.

01:05:07.000 They shouldn't be leaking like this.

01:05:09.000 Sure.

01:05:10.000 And that's how they make better sleeping bags.

01:05:12.000 That's how people make better, you know, those little burner stoves, those stoves that people take when they go hiking. 0.98

01:05:17.000 Someone goes, this thing sucks.

01:05:19.000 I'm going to make a better one. 1.00

01:05:20.000 These fucks. 1.00

01:05:21.000 And they make a better one. 1.00

01:05:23.000 They sell it to REI. And the next thing you know, it's the hot thing if you're going camping.

01:05:27.000 Yeah.

01:05:28.000 Gotta have it.

01:05:28.000 There's some...

01:05:30.000 There's some crazy tents out there now, too.

01:05:31.000 I'm sure you probably do a lot more camping than I do.

01:05:34.000 I don't camp that often.

01:05:36.000 You don't go on the hunt?

01:05:37.000 When you go on the hunt, you don't set up some crazy new model tent?

01:05:41.000 I have, but I prefer to do the most miserable.

01:05:46.000 I think the most miserable is rain because cold you can get warm like I've done Montana we did the Missouri me and Brian Callen with my friend Steve Rinell and his crew for the meat-eater show we did the Missouri breaks in Montana in October and it was cold as fuck it was like nine degrees some days that was cold but that's not as miserable as wet wet's more miserable one time we did Prince of Wales which is the most rainy part of Alaska Yeah, 0.57

01:06:15.000 it's an island, and it was rough. 0.85

01:06:17.000 It's like all day long, you're soaking wet.

01:06:20.000 The tent is wet.

01:06:21.000 Your sleeping bag's wet.

01:06:23.000 The air you see when you turn on your headlamp, you go piss in the middle of the night, just mist.

01:06:27.000 There's water everywhere.

01:06:29.000 Everything's wet.

01:06:29.000 You're never going to dry off, and it's not warm out.

01:06:33.000 I love that though.

01:06:34.000 Even though it's uncomfortable, I've done a lot of that.

01:06:38.000 I've done a lot of camping.

01:06:40.000 Canadian, right?

01:06:41.000 My dad was an army guy.

01:06:42.000 My dad was captain in the Canadian army.

01:06:44.000 So he made you go camping and pretend the Russians are coming?

01:06:47.000 Yeah.

01:06:48.000 Oh yeah.

01:06:49.000 No, for real.

01:06:50.000 It was serious.

01:06:52.000 It was an authoritarian kind of thing.

01:06:55.000 You had to be good with nature.

01:06:58.000 When I was 14 years old, I got really into skateboarding.

01:07:01.000 I'd already been doing it, but when you start to become a teenager, somehow, I don't know how this happens, but somehow with skateboarding, you equate I think it's a male energy thing or like a – you know,

01:07:23.000 you start to feel like – I gotta be the best skateboarder.

01:07:28.000 So all of a sudden, I don't know what kind of energy it is.

01:07:32.000 I don't want to be sexist.

01:07:34.000 It's a human energy.

01:07:35.000 Sure, there's girls that are really obsessed with doing things to be the best out of it. 1.00

01:07:38.000 Back that up.

01:07:39.000 Back that up.

01:07:40.000 It's a human energy.

01:07:41.000 You want to be successful.

01:07:42.000 You want to be the best skateboarder.

01:07:44.000 So this was the moment where I wanted to be the best skateboarder.

01:07:46.000 But I was 14 and I was still a kid.

01:07:48.000 But I was on the verge of being a teenager.

01:07:50.000 I was a teenager, but I was on the verge of being an adult.

01:07:52.000 I feel like we should have some music playing in the background of this story.

01:07:55.000 All of a sudden, Dad says, I'm sending you this summer on a canoe expedition.

01:08:04.000 It's eight weeks in northern Canada.

01:08:06.000 You're going out with this, like, group of 12—it was this whole organized thing.

01:08:11.000 It was actually an American group.

01:08:12.000 I remember it was called Lorien.

01:08:13.000 It was an American group from upstate New York.

01:08:16.000 They drove up, a group of 12 people, and they were divided into, like, five groups of 12 that would go out into the middle— You know what it's like in northern Canada.

01:08:26.000 It's like you're in the middle of nowhere.

01:08:28.000 You're going out into Lake Kippewa in northern Quebec.

01:08:31.000 Dude, I'll show you the middle of Canada.

01:08:33.000 You want to see the middle of Canada?

01:08:34.000 My friends live in Alberta.

01:08:36.000 Shout out to my friends John and Jen.

01:08:38.000 What's up, John and Jen?

01:08:39.000 And they sent me an image.

01:08:40.000 You want to pull it up on the big screen?

01:08:42.000 Jen Rivett? 1.00

01:08:43.000 She sent me a picture of her fucking backyard! 1.00

01:08:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:48.000 And in her backyard, there was a giant fucking grizzly bear just wandering around in her backyard. 0.99

01:08:56.000 Hold please. 0.99

01:08:56.000 Look at that. 0.99

01:08:57.000 That's her yard. 1.00

01:08:59.000 Man. 1.00

01:08:59.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

01:09:01.000 Look at the size of that thing. 1.00

01:09:02.000 Yeah.

01:09:03.000 In her yard.

01:09:05.000 Lucky to see that, actually.

01:09:06.000 That's a 10-foot grizzly.

01:09:07.000 I don't know how big it is, but it looks like that could be a 10-foot bear.

01:09:11.000 That's a nice thing to be able to see that.

01:09:12.000 That's a big bear.

01:09:14.000 Until it's running towards you.

01:09:15.000 See how wide its shoulders are?

01:09:17.000 How much muscle it has in its arms?

01:09:18.000 That's not a small bear.

01:09:20.000 Look at the size in the big picture.

01:09:21.000 Beautiful.

01:09:22.000 What in the Christ?

01:09:24.000 Jesus!

01:09:25.000 They have them up there where they have to shut school down sometimes, like where their kids go to school. 1.00

01:09:29.000 It'll just wander through the fucking school yard. 0.99

01:09:31.000 A grizzly bear. 1.00

01:09:34.000 Jesus!

01:09:35.000 And they're probably just used to it.

01:09:37.000 I've got a friend who lives in Pasadena.

01:09:38.000 The bear comes down every morning and eats avocados out of his tree.

01:09:43.000 Clearly my friend's doing well.

01:09:44.000 He's got avocado trees in his yard.

01:09:45.000 He's ballin'.

01:09:46.000 That's a low-key flex.

01:09:48.000 Yeah, oh yeah.

01:09:49.000 Yeah, bears eat my avocado trees.

01:09:50.000 What?

01:09:50.000 You got an avocado tree?

01:09:51.000 See what he did there?

01:09:52.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:09:54.000 He'll let you know about his avocados.

01:09:55.000 Oh yeah.

01:09:58.000 We'll talk about him later, but he's a great guy.

01:10:01.000 Incredible, talented, genius guy.

01:10:02.000 But we're talking about Northern Canada.

01:10:04.000 So they put you up there.

01:10:05.000 So I was out there eight weeks out there.

01:10:07.000 Make a man out of you type deal?

01:10:08.000 Kind of.

01:10:09.000 Well, when my dad was a kid, he joined the cadets.

01:10:14.000 He joined the Army.

01:10:16.000 Left school.

01:10:17.000 Joined the Army.

01:10:17.000 He went back to school.

01:10:18.000 He got a college degree later.

01:10:20.000 Just to clarify, Dad, if you're watching.

01:10:23.000 But he is watching, too, by the way.

01:10:25.000 My parents are watching.

01:10:27.000 Don't tell them you're on.

01:10:29.000 Oh, they know.

01:10:29.000 They know.

01:10:32.000 But listen, so it was sort of this, you know, you got to know how to be a man.

01:10:39.000 You got to know how to deal with nature.

01:10:41.000 And I went out and I'd grown up fishing with my dad.

01:10:44.000 A lot of fishing.

01:10:45.000 Never hunting, but a lot of fishing.

01:10:47.000 You know, northern pike, largemouth bass.

01:10:50.000 You know, I love fishing.

01:10:52.000 And I was actually, you know, the only Canadian on this tour.

01:10:57.000 And we'd go out into the middle of nowhere.

01:10:58.000 Every day there'd be like a...

01:11:02.000 Sometimes up to 3km long portage.

01:11:06.000 So today we're doing a portage.

01:11:07.000 We're going to take all our bags, all our food, all our supplies.

01:11:11.000 We're going to walk.

01:11:13.000 Three miles or whatever.

01:11:14.000 Three kilometers.

01:11:15.000 Is that what you call a portage?

01:11:16.000 A portage, yeah.

01:11:17.000 A portage.

01:11:17.000 When you pick up...

01:11:18.000 I thought it was portage.

01:11:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:21.000 No, it's French.

01:11:21.000 French-Canadian.

01:11:22.000 Oh.

01:11:22.000 Because the voyageurs, right, were the French-Canadian fur traders who came down from northern Canada with the Hudson's Bay Company selling their beaver pelts and all this stuff.

01:11:30.000 The portage, right?

01:11:32.000 That's funny because that was the first time I've ever heard that said.

01:11:34.000 Well, in Winnipeg, you're thinking of Portage Avenue in Winnipeg, which is a mistake.

01:11:37.000 No, okay.

01:11:37.000 I'm not.

01:11:38.000 I'm thinking of Portage, like carrying things somewhere.

01:11:39.000 Hilarious if it was a Winnipeg thing that you were thinking of.

01:11:41.000 I don't think I've ever heard the word said or said it myself.

01:11:45.000 Portage, yeah.

01:11:46.000 French-Canadian.

01:11:47.000 But I digress.

01:11:48.000 Oui, oui.

01:11:52.000 It was a lot of work, you know?

01:11:54.000 And you'd have to carry your canoe, and then you'd have to go back three miles, and then you'd have to pick up all your food and all that stuff.

01:11:59.000 It was a pretty intense thing, you know?

01:12:01.000 What they had was every two weeks, a float plane would come in, would land, they'd resupply the 12 groups of people, and then everyone would go off in their own direction.

01:12:11.000 So we were off there with, like, maybe 12 people.

01:12:13.000 And I don't think they would do this anymore.

01:12:15.000 It was, like, one instructor guy who was probably 25 years old.

01:12:19.000 And I was with a bunch of 14-year-olds.

01:12:25.000 Fishing.

01:12:25.000 I love it.

01:12:26.000 I love being out there in the middle of nowhere.

01:12:27.000 Fishing is so fun.

01:12:28.000 It's such a great feeling to catch something and then cook it.

01:12:32.000 If you can cook it within a close amount of time to when you just caught it.

01:12:37.000 Yeah, it just sparks those primal fires.

01:12:41.000 Yeah, largemouth bass, you know, largemouth bass.

01:12:44.000 We ate a lot of largemouth bass over the years.

01:12:46.000 Sorry, people, but it happens.

01:12:47.000 A lot of people don't like eating largemouth bass.

01:12:49.000 Isn't that interesting?

01:12:49.000 Yeah, they were prevalent in this lake we went to.

01:12:52.000 Largemouth bass, northern pike, and smallmouth, which put up a better fight than the largemouth.

01:12:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:58.000 Smallmouths are tough. 1.00

01:12:58.000 They taste better, too. 1.00

01:13:00.000 What's your favorite Lure.

01:13:04.000 For what situation?

01:13:06.000 I always like topwater lures because it's exciting when they hit.

01:13:08.000 Okay.

01:13:09.000 Yeah, you know, if you have like a topwater...

01:13:10.000 Yeah, like a Jitterbug or a Rapala.

01:13:11.000 Yeah, or a Rapala.

01:13:12.000 Yeah, you're twitching it, and then you see something come up and smash the water.

01:13:16.000 That's always the most exciting to me.

01:13:18.000 But I like fishing with all kinds of lure, spinners and crankbaits.

01:13:23.000 I used to like casting crankbaits into lily pads for bass.

01:13:26.000 It was fun because you can kind of pull it across the surface of the water and you see the bass explode.

01:13:30.000 Well, crankbait, what's that?

01:13:32.000 That might be...

01:13:32.000 I don't know that term.

01:13:33.000 Crankbait is a... 0.99

01:13:34.000 It's got like a skirt, like the flowy skirt on one side.

01:13:37.000 Like a little rubber worm type of thing over the hook? 0.81

01:13:40.000 Well, it's a...

01:13:40.000 What is it called?

01:13:42.000 It's called...

01:13:42.000 I think it's called a crank...

01:13:43.000 I think that's called a crankbait.

01:13:45.000 I'm saying it right.

01:13:45.000 It's a little different terminologies with Canada and the U.S. too, so...

01:13:49.000 It's got a little metal thing, like a wire, and it connects on one side.

01:13:55.000 It's just...

01:13:55.000 I think the...

01:13:57.000 They would either call it...

01:13:58.000 I don't think they would call it a spinner.

01:13:59.000 A spinner is like a small little lure that spins when you pull it through the water.

01:14:04.000 That's a crankbait. 0.74

01:14:06.000 I'm using the wrong terminology.

01:14:08.000 That's like a fat lip one that you can move on.

01:14:12.000 I think I call those jitterbugs.

01:14:14.000 But what are the ones where there's the spinner on one side and the... 0.98

01:14:18.000 God damn it. 0.94

01:14:20.000 I forget the word. 0.99

01:14:22.000 It looks like there's a coat hanger almost in between the two of them.

01:14:27.000 And on one side...

01:14:27.000 Those are pretty big, right?

01:14:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:29.000 For like musky and stuff.

01:14:30.000 I think they would...

01:14:31.000 Maybe you would call it a...

01:14:32.000 You wouldn't call it a spinner.

01:14:33.000 Yeah.

01:14:34.000 Just a lure of some sort.

01:14:35.000 Spinner bait.

01:14:36.000 That's it.

01:14:36.000 Spinner bait.

01:14:37.000 Okay.

01:14:37.000 That's what it is.

01:14:38.000 I had a pattern.

01:14:40.000 I pretty much used spinners for bass.

01:14:42.000 I put a worm on it.

01:14:43.000 See what that looks like?

01:14:44.000 Oh yeah, yeah.

01:14:44.000 I never knew what to call that.

01:14:47.000 It's been so long since I used one of these.

01:14:49.000 But that's a little spinner on the end of it.

01:14:50.000 I used to use one of these literally 30 years ago.

01:14:52.000 Yeah.

01:14:53.000 I put a spinner with a worm on it for bass.

01:14:58.000 I like to use Rapala's.

01:15:01.000 The best fishing experience I ever had was nighttime with my dad.

01:15:05.000 I was probably six years old.

01:15:08.000 We were in a canoe.

01:15:09.000 It was...

01:15:11.000 You know when you're up past midnight and we're going along, it was up late that night, maybe it was probably 10 o'clock, but it felt like midnight because I was up late as a kid.

01:15:20.000 And I was like literally six and we were going along the shoreline pitch black, you know, hardly see anything.

01:15:27.000 There's like a lot of mosquitoes up there too.

01:15:29.000 And I had A floating lure.

01:15:32.000 I think it was a Rapala.

01:15:35.000 I think it was a jitterbug.

01:15:37.000 They make that sound along the top.

01:15:39.000 And this bass hit it.

01:15:40.000 It was a four-pound bass.

01:15:42.000 Ooh, that's a good bass.

01:15:43.000 I got it in, in the canoe.

01:15:45.000 Got it in.

01:15:46.000 We went back to shore.

01:15:47.000 We were at this little cottage.

01:15:49.000 My parents had this little, tiny little cabin when I was growing up.

01:15:53.000 The neighbors came out because they heard because how excited we were.

01:15:56.000 We were yelling, I got a look at the thing!

01:15:58.000 I got the biggest...

01:15:58.000 Okay, got it.

01:16:00.000 Looked at, excited.

01:16:01.000 We went back out and I got another one.

01:16:04.000 The first cast.

01:16:06.000 And those kind of memories...

01:16:09.000 I do love getting out into the woods.

01:16:11.000 And then for the bass family, those memories are equally horrific.

01:16:14.000 And then Grandpa.

01:16:16.000 Grandpa goes out and goes, where's my son?

01:16:18.000 And he grabs a hold of the worm, too.

01:16:22.000 I'll catch and release now whenever I fish, but back in the day it wasn't like that. 0.95

01:16:25.000 Catch and release sounds fucked up to me. 0.98

01:16:28.000 I think that that is a fucked up thing to do. 0.99

01:16:32.000 I don't not support it. 0.98

01:16:34.000 I don't say you shouldn't do it.

01:16:35.000 It's like an alien abduction, right?

01:16:37.000 Yeah, there's something. 0.98

01:16:38.000 There's something kind of fucked up about it. 0.99

01:16:40.000 It's like shooting a deer and knocking it out with a slingshot to the head but then letting it go. 0.99

01:16:48.000 You're doing something really fucked up to that fish and you're making it vulnerable. 0.99

01:16:53.000 Yeah, well. 0.98

01:16:54.000 I get it.

01:16:55.000 It's fun.

01:16:55.000 I haven't fished a lot in the last few years, but I do.

01:16:58.000 My parents live on a nice lake up in Quebec, actually.

01:17:00.000 And whenever I go home to visit them, it's like being on vacation.

01:17:03.000 We go out in the boat and we catch some northern pike. 1.00

01:17:05.000 A lot of people like barbless fly fishing.

01:17:08.000 Never fly fished.

01:17:09.000 They fly fish without a barb so they can release the fish very easily.

01:17:12.000 So it never gets stuck inside.

01:17:14.000 Jesus Christ.

01:17:15.000 Christ.

01:17:16.000 But the whole point of the barb is it keeps the fish on the hook.

01:17:18.000 So they always get off all the time.

01:17:20.000 They don't always get off.

01:17:20.000 You keep tension on the line.

01:17:22.000 Sometimes you're okay.

01:17:22.000 But the point is, you're not even pretending you want to keep that fish.

01:17:29.000 You're just putting a hook in its head and bringing it out into your world and then going, psych! 0.60

01:17:34.000 And letting it go.

01:17:36.000 There's definitely some times when you catch a fish and you hook it wrong and you feel bad because it's not a pleasant thing.

01:17:43.000 Well, in that case, it's not as much because you can get those barbless hooks out easier. 0.84

01:17:48.000 But it's weird that most of fly fishing, when they fly fish for trout, a lot of it is catch and release.

01:17:54.000 A lot!

01:17:55.000 So there's like a whole industry built around torturing these little fishies that think they're going to get a fly.

01:18:02.000 And it's just to give you that rush.

01:18:04.000 Oh, I got one!

01:18:05.000 I got one!

01:18:06.000 This is like primal caveman rush of stripping in that line.

01:18:11.000 Oh, I got him!

01:18:12.000 I got him!

01:18:12.000 And bringing that fish up to the shore and thinking this is going to sustain you and your family.

01:18:17.000 And you're like, psych!

01:18:18.000 I'm going to Burger King! 1.00

01:18:20.000 And you let that little fucker loose. 1.00

01:18:22.000 You ever get those moments, I just had one moment like this, where I'm sitting here and I'm looking at you, you know, in front of the American flag, on the show, I watch the show all the time, and I'm sitting here and it's just, it's awesome, man. 0.99

01:18:33.000 Congratulations on being a citizen.

01:18:35.000 You're an American citizen now.

01:18:36.000 Exactly, I just became a U.S. citizen.

01:18:39.000 You're one of us, but we don't trust you enough to be president, so step. 1.00

01:18:43.000 Step the fuck back. 1.00

01:18:44.000 I was not born here. 1.00

01:18:46.000 I will never be president.

01:18:47.000 You can't be president unless you're born on this patch of dirt. 0.76

01:18:49.000 Don't worry, everybody.

01:18:50.000 There's an imaginary line in the sand and you were born on the wrong side of it, son.

01:18:55.000 No need to worry.

01:18:56.000 I will never be president of the United States.

01:18:58.000 I wish I was born somewhere else.

01:19:01.000 I wish I could never be president.

01:19:03.000 I'd like to be born in Cuba.

01:19:04.000 Because that's going to be a lot of work when you're president.

01:19:06.000 I don't want to be president.

01:19:07.000 I'll never be president.

01:19:08.000 I'm never running for any office.

01:19:09.000 Never thought about getting into politics?

01:19:11.000 No, that's not my place. 0.98

01:19:12.000 My place is to talk shit and be ill-informed about many things and cause a lot of people to discuss these things because I'm ill-informed. 0.97

01:19:20.000 I incite discussion. 0.99

01:19:21.000 My place is not to lead.

01:19:22.000 I don't think anybody's place is to be president.

01:19:25.000 I really don't. 0.97

01:19:25.000 I think it's a ridiculous proposition. 0.97

01:19:27.000 I don't think anybody's capable of handling it correctly.

01:19:30.000 That's why we don't like anybody who's ever done it.

01:19:33.000 Nobody's ever done it.

01:19:34.000 We like.

01:19:36.000 You can't please everybody.

01:19:39.000 You can't.

01:19:40.000 You really can't.

01:19:41.000 It's a lose-lose proposition.

01:19:42.000 Yeah, if you want to be the guy who runs the whole thing, you've got to please everybody.

01:19:45.000 And then there's all these different styles of running the whole thing, right?

01:19:48.000 That's one of the more interesting things about America.

01:19:51.000 We have essentially 50 styles of running the whole thing, because we have 50 states, right?

01:19:56.000 So we have all these different people.

01:19:58.000 That are in control of these different states.

01:20:02.000 And, you know, we get to see how they do it.

01:20:04.000 Like, Arizona lets you just carry a gun everywhere.

01:20:06.000 Go ahead.

01:20:06.000 Take a gun.

01:20:07.000 Go wherever you want.

01:20:08.000 You know? 1.00

01:20:09.000 And California's like, fuck that. 1.00

01:20:10.000 It's gonna be harder. 1.00

01:20:11.000 Harder to get a gun.

01:20:12.000 New York City's even harder.

01:20:14.000 Um...

01:20:15.000 Different places let you have different laws in terms of like Louisiana, like New Orleans.

01:20:19.000 You can walk around with an open alcohol container.

01:20:21.000 Nobody cares.

01:20:22.000 Walk through the street in New Orleans with a beer and drinking out of that beer, they won't say a word.

01:20:26.000 I've had some good times in New Orleans.

01:20:28.000 It's normal.

01:20:28.000 So there's different styles of running the whole show.

01:20:33.000 It's interesting.

01:20:34.000 And then, you know, with the fact that you are under a microscope and you can't please anybody and...

01:20:40.000 You can't please everybody.

01:20:40.000 You definitely can please somebody.

01:20:42.000 Yeah.

01:20:43.000 As long as you're pleasing yourself, right?

01:20:45.000 Like, what you would do...

01:20:47.000 Like, don't be offensive to you. 1.00

01:20:49.000 If you were watching, would you be watching this going, this corny motherfucker's full of shit. 0.99

01:20:54.000 Would you be watching and saying that, or would you be watching and going, well, that's probably a difficult position to be in, but in that position, that guy's showing some character. 1.00

01:21:03.000 He's showing some grace.

01:21:05.000 He's showing some compassion.

01:21:08.000 That's what you hope for.

01:21:11.000 The whole thing is weird.

01:21:13.000 Anytime you're talking like this and people are listening, and how many people are listening?

01:21:17.000 Millions?

01:21:18.000 What does that number even mean?

01:21:20.000 How many stars are there?

01:21:21.000 Does that mean anything to you anymore?

01:21:22.000 The universe has been around for 13 billion years.

01:21:25.000 You lost me.

01:21:27.000 These numbers are too big.

01:21:28.000 I don't understand what they are.

01:21:30.000 But what you can control is how you would view yourself.

01:21:35.000 Yeah.

01:21:36.000 You know, that's important for comedy, too, because there's a lot of people out there doing stand-up that don't do stand-up for themselves. 0.96

01:21:41.000 They don't do shit they would go to see. 0.95

01:21:43.000 They do things they think will work. 0.99

01:21:45.000 They're basically like a plumber.

01:21:46.000 Like, I need this size wrench to go onto that pipe and crank it, crank it, crank it, crank it.

01:21:50.000 You know, as an artist. 0.88

01:21:53.000 I mean, it's a fucking highfalutin word for stand-up comedy, but it's kind of accurate just in semantical terms, right? 0.90

01:22:00.000 So what you're trying to do is you're creating something, right? 0.93

01:22:03.000 But are you creating something for you, like, that you would like?

01:22:07.000 Or are you creating something that you think the general public will enjoy, right?

01:22:12.000 So that comes across, too.

01:22:15.000 People, whether they know it or not, they could smell weakness. 1.00

01:22:20.000 They smell bullshit. 1.00

01:22:21.000 They smell when you're not really tuned in. 1.00

01:22:27.000 Have you ever had that moment on stage where you're telling a joke, but you're not really thinking about it as clearly as you should be?

01:22:33.000 And even though you're saying the words right, people aren't laughing because they're not connected to you.

01:22:38.000 You're not connected to the joke.

01:22:40.000 They're not connected to you. 0.99

01:22:42.000 So there's some weird shit going on. 0.98

01:22:44.000 It's not just the words. 1.00

01:22:46.000 There's some weird shit going on. 0.94

01:22:47.000 There's an understanding of your authenticity that people either have or they don't have. 0.99

01:22:53.000 And if you don't feel authentic, they're like...

01:22:55.000 You get a certain amount of people that'll pay attention.

01:22:57.000 But after a while, you're gonna lose them.

01:22:59.000 Yeah.

01:22:59.000 Because they know they're not...

01:23:00.000 And everybody's trying to be locked in.

01:23:02.000 Everybody's trying to be authentic.

01:23:03.000 Everybody's trying to be authentic.

01:23:04.000 If you're not a sociopath, You're trying to be authentic, right?

01:23:06.000 You're trying to be better than who you were yesterday.

01:23:09.000 Because we all realize that this is a complicated game and no one's great at it. 0.99

01:23:13.000 Everyone's fucking up. 0.97

01:23:14.000 The game of life is a mess, right? 1.00

01:23:15.000 It's a war zone.

01:23:17.000 So you're trying to get better.

01:23:19.000 And so you want to pay attention to other people that are trying to get better and people that are legitimately tuned in, people that are legitimately sensitive, people that are legitimately expressing themselves in an honest way.

01:23:29.000 It's very nourishing because it makes you realize it's possible.

01:23:33.000 And that's what we all give each other.

01:23:35.000 We all give each other through these moments of grace and these moments of intuition, these moments of inspiration, of observation.

01:23:43.000 Sometimes you have the ability to express a thought that you didn't have yesterday.

01:23:46.000 Like a thought will come into your head and you'll be able to express it to people and then they say it and then they'll say it back to you and you start talking and you realize like, oh, you just popped into something.

01:23:58.000 You just...

01:23:59.000 This is it.

01:24:00.000 It's right there.

01:24:01.000 I found something.

01:24:02.000 I found something about myself, and I found something maybe you could relate to.

01:24:05.000 And then other people listening go, oh, and if they know you really did find something, they know you're not bullshitting, they listen to it and they go, hmm, is he right?

01:24:14.000 Maybe he's not.

01:24:15.000 Maybe I think differently.

01:24:16.000 And then they can maybe think their own. 0.99

01:24:18.000 And all this shit branches off from that. 0.97

01:24:20.000 But it's, as long as you're authentic. 0.99

01:24:22.000 You can be wrong.

01:24:24.000 We're all going to be wrong.

01:24:26.000 But are you authentic?

01:24:28.000 That's what everybody really wants.

01:24:30.000 People say they want honesty.

01:24:31.000 They certainly want honesty. 1.00

01:24:33.000 But honest and stupid and unaware, that's not helping anybody. 1.00

01:24:38.000 You want authentic. 1.00

01:24:40.000 Yeah.

01:24:41.000 Well, I mean, That's why we love doing this, right?

01:24:46.000 Yes.

01:24:47.000 That's why you're saying you keep getting better.

01:24:49.000 The more you do stand-up, you're getting more and more authentic.

01:24:52.000 You're figuring out what resonates the most with you, the way you think, the way you perform.

01:24:59.000 You feel like there's going to be, and we sort of touched on this, but when this thing ends, I feel like stand-up comedians are going to be so happy to be back on stage and have had a break, you know, because so many comedians have been go,

01:25:16.000 go, go, go, go for years.

01:25:18.000 Is this the longest you've been without being on stage in your life?

01:25:21.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:25:22.000 I'm pretty sure now is the longest.

01:25:23.000 Have you ever taken five weeks off of getting on stage?

01:25:26.000 Yeah, I've taken a little time off here and there, and I was trying to think of how many months.

01:25:29.000 There was one period of time where I did take a couple months off.

01:25:33.000 I think it was when I was moving from Colorado to LA. I think it was around 2009. I think I took a couple months off.

01:25:45.000 Renewed.

01:25:45.000 Yeah, I think it might have been right after I filmed my special, too.

01:25:49.000 I think I filmed a special, and then I think I took some time off after that, which I like to do sometimes, just kind of reset my perspective, make sure I'm not bullshitting, like I'm talking about things I'm actually interested in.

01:26:03.000 So sometimes when you're working too much, like one thing that does happen with stand-ups, they spend all their time either traveling or doing stand-up, you're not living enough.

01:26:12.000 And if you're not living enough, you don't see enough things.

01:26:14.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:26:15.000 That you have an opinion on, you're thinking about your career, you're thinking about your set list, you're thinking about a lot of shit that doesn't factor in with the, you know, it's very narrow-minded in a sense.

01:26:27.000 So not only have all of All of comedy, every comedian has been forced to take a break, to go do something else, but also to do something else during a crazy, scary time where we're all being forced to think about our mortality, 0.64

01:26:42.000 think about the world, think about the environment, think about...

01:26:46.000 And then... 0.99

01:26:48.000 Think about your fuck-ups. 0.99

01:26:49.000 Think about ex-girlfriends. 0.98

01:26:51.000 Oh, apologies, too.

01:26:54.000 Yeah.

01:26:54.000 Think about friends you miss.

01:26:56.000 Think about people that you wish were still alive.

01:26:59.000 Think about things you could have done better.

01:27:01.000 Times you could have hit the brakes faster.

01:27:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:04.000 Times you could have been driving slower.

01:27:05.000 Times you could have been a little less drunk.

01:27:09.000 Everything everybody's ever done.

01:27:11.000 A time you did a thing when you were a kid you wish you hadn't done and it wound up...

01:27:15.000 Sending you to a juvenile home.

01:27:17.000 There's a lot of people that have made these...

01:27:19.000 Did that happen to you?

01:27:19.000 That never happened to me.

01:27:20.000 No.

01:27:20.000 I'm just making up stories.

01:27:21.000 I'm like Stephen King right now.

01:27:23.000 Making a novel.

01:27:24.000 Creating a character.

01:27:25.000 But things that happened to you that went wrong.

01:27:28.000 Things that you did wrong.

01:27:29.000 But...

01:27:30.000 When you go, go, go all the time, sometimes you get stuck in a pattern of momentum, right?

01:27:36.000 Where you don't have enough time to evaluate and go, am I doing the right thing?

01:27:40.000 I think there's a good lesson to be learned in a reset in that you could kind of, if the world is crazy and it's not anything, nothing's the same now, and I think we can all safely say that.

01:27:53.000 When the whole world shuts down, you're not allowed to work and Everyone's supposed to stay six feet apart and everyone outside is wearing a mask.

01:27:58.000 When you get to a point like that, you can kind of agree.

01:28:00.000 The world's not the same anymore.

01:28:02.000 Right.

01:28:02.000 So, should you be the same?

01:28:05.000 What are you doing? 0.99

01:28:06.000 What the fuck are you doing with your life? 1.00

01:28:08.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:28:09.000 What are you doing in terms of your friends?

01:28:12.000 What are you doing?

01:28:13.000 What are you doing?

01:28:14.000 What are you doing?

01:28:14.000 Are you doing the right thing?

01:28:15.000 Are you fucking up? 0.99

01:28:16.000 Are you eating sugar all day? 1.00

01:28:17.000 Like, what are you doing?

01:28:18.000 What are you doing?

01:28:19.000 Well, don't do that anymore.

01:28:21.000 Because now you realize this is all...

01:28:24.000 Whether it's a simulation or not, what's happening right now needs to be addressed. 0.99

01:28:30.000 What's happening right now is if you don't have your shit together, you're more vulnerable, right? 1.00

01:28:34.000 So get your shit together. 1.00

01:28:35.000 The Renaissance movement, I read this on my phone two weeks ago, the Renaissance movement occurred after the Black Plague. 0.99

01:28:44.000 Everybody was forced to self-isolate, and then what happened?

01:28:48.000 Oh, the greatest shift in thinking and art and literature in the history of...

01:28:53.000 The world.

01:28:54.000 Plus it probably killed a lot of people.

01:28:56.000 Yeah.

01:28:57.000 Made room.

01:28:58.000 Yeah.

01:28:59.000 People came out of that and everything changed after that.

01:29:02.000 And I sometimes wonder if that could happen here if we come out and everything could change in a positive way.

01:29:07.000 For sure.

01:29:08.000 In a positive way.

01:29:09.000 Also, through surviving that experience, you probably feel incredibly lucky.

01:29:15.000 So you feel fortunate.

01:29:16.000 So you feel like you want to get things done and accomplish things and go for things that maybe you held back on before because you wanted to play it safe. 0.99

01:29:23.000 Maybe not give a fuck as much, right? 0.97

01:29:24.000 So I'm going to paint a little weird now. 0.98

01:29:27.000 I'm not going to do it the way that they've always been doing the painting.

01:29:30.000 I don't know a lot about painting, but I'm going to make the painting weird now.

01:29:35.000 Yeah, it makes sense.

01:29:35.000 Oh, wait, that's weird.

01:29:36.000 That's a weird way of painting. 0.97

01:29:37.000 Hey man, I fucking survived. 0.99

01:29:39.000 That's because I don't give a fuck anymore, man. 1.00

01:29:40.000 Dude, the Black Plague. 1.00

01:29:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:41.000 Are you paying attention, bitch? 1.00

01:29:42.000 Survived the fucking Black Plague. 1.00

01:29:43.000 Sat in my fucking, you know, wherever they lived back then. 1.00

01:29:47.000 Drinking homemade wine. 1.00

01:29:48.000 Yeah.

01:29:48.000 Banging boys.

01:29:49.000 That's what they did.

01:29:50.000 I don't know.

01:29:51.000 I don't know.

01:29:51.000 There's a lot of that.

01:29:51.000 I'm sure some of that was going on.

01:29:56.000 Yeah, it's these moments of history where things shift and change.

01:30:01.000 I mean, clearly, if you go back to as far as we're aware of, you know, go back to, you know, 1100 A.D., pick a spot, pick a year.

01:30:12.000 Now, compare that to now.

01:30:14.000 Well, we're definitely better at life now, right?

01:30:16.000 Why did we get better at life?

01:30:18.000 Because there was trials and errors.

01:30:19.000 Just like you get better as a human.

01:30:21.000 We get better at life.

01:30:22.000 You know what bothers me, man?

01:30:24.000 This bothered me.

01:30:24.000 We were just discussing this.

01:30:26.000 I was like, I wonder when I see a civilization like China that's like completely in control of their citizens and it's so old. 0.96

01:30:35.000 It's such an old civilization.

01:30:37.000 Like as time goes on.

01:30:40.000 If a civilization lasts a long long time, does it get just tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter control?

01:30:47.000 And is that what the magic of America is?

01:30:49.000 What the magic of America is is that it's only been around for 300 years, not even.

01:30:55.000 So like is that the thing? 0.98

01:30:56.000 That you have to have a young fresh movement of freedom and then eventually human nature sort of fucking chokes it and gets it in the rear naked, puts it to sleep. 0.98

01:31:06.000 Is that what happens? 0.96

01:31:07.000 Is that over time Life and nature, human nature and greed is basically like a jujitsu black belt.

01:31:13.000 You could defend it for a little while, but eventually it's going to put the choke on you.

01:31:18.000 Is that what it is?

01:31:19.000 Because it seems like all these older civilizations, the oldest ones that we're aware of, are run by military dictators.

01:31:26.000 The old ones.

01:31:27.000 Is that because they've always been like that?

01:31:28.000 Because they were like that thousands of years ago, and they're like that still now?

01:31:31.000 They never had a chance to make that clean break?

01:31:33.000 Or is it because as civilizations go on, as long as power is maintained, there's no overthrow of it through this whole cycle?

01:31:43.000 They always get to a point where they just try to control the citizens.

01:31:45.000 It's just too difficult. 0.99

01:31:46.000 And I want all the money, and I want all the bitches, and I'm going to shoot the bombs, and I'm going to control all the people, and I want all the food. 1.00

01:31:52.000 The people are used to it, and they accept it. 1.00

01:31:53.000 Let them eat ice cream! 1.00

01:31:56.000 It's weird, you know, I went to China for the first time in my life one year ago, okay?

01:32:04.000 Strangely enough, I'd never been there before.

01:32:07.000 That's another thing that happened a year earlier that it's perfect for your life.

01:32:12.000 One year ago I did a show in Hong Kong and I did a show in Shanghai as well.

01:32:15.000 Same as the MTV thing with your show and cancer.

01:32:17.000 And the thing that I find interesting about China though, having had never been there before, Hong Kong, of course, that's different, right?

01:32:23.000 It's British colony and it's very...

01:32:27.000 But Shanghai, same thing.

01:32:29.000 That was the only part of...

01:32:31.000 Communist China that I went to.

01:32:33.000 Shanghai, right?

01:32:33.000 And you get there, and they got a Louis Vuitton store.

01:32:38.000 Everybody's walking around shopping.

01:32:40.000 You drive from the airport.

01:32:41.000 I'm thinking it's going to be some driving from the airport.

01:32:44.000 There's big mansions.

01:32:46.000 I'm like, well, I thought... 0.96

01:32:48.000 Crazy rich Asians. 1.00

01:32:49.000 I was like, why? 0.99

01:32:51.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:32:52.000 And I'm like, well, I thought...

01:32:53.000 I was saying to the guy that picked me up at the airport.

01:32:55.000 I was like, well, I thought this was...

01:32:58.000 Communist, how come they have big mansions?

01:33:01.000 He's all, it's not really the way it works, and it's just sort of the economic system's not communist.

01:33:07.000 I forget even how he explained it to me, but you sort of got over there and you realize, like, It didn't seem a whole lot different, to be honest with you.

01:33:15.000 I went to a mall, you know?

01:33:16.000 They had one of the pianos in the mall.

01:33:18.000 Anybody can play, you know?

01:33:19.000 I sat down and played, people came around, you know? 1.00

01:33:21.000 Like, just the same kind of dumb shit that they got here, you know? 0.99

01:33:24.000 And, you know, so I came back from that thinking, okay, well, I mean, obviously I know it's a lot different, but... 1.00

01:33:32.000 We're also so the same, too.

01:33:35.000 It's very strange.

01:33:36.000 I don't know.

01:33:37.000 Have you been to China?

01:33:39.000 I've been to Taiwan.

01:33:40.000 Never been to China.

01:33:41.000 That's the thing about when we tour doing stand-up.

01:33:44.000 Is that a thing that kind of bothers you sometimes when you go somewhere you've never been before and you get there and it's exactly the same?

01:33:51.000 Where has it ever been exactly the same?

01:33:53.000 Well, it's like I remember the first time I went to Australia.

01:33:56.000 You thought Australia was exactly the same?

01:33:58.000 Well, you got there and within five minutes I went to a Starbucks.

01:34:01.000 Oh, I did a USO tour.

01:34:03.000 That's a bad example.

01:34:04.000 A better example is I went to a USO tour.

01:34:06.000 So I'm thinking I'm going to the Middle East.

01:34:08.000 We got to Bahrain.

01:34:10.000 We landed in Bahrain, went to the Marriott.

01:34:13.000 Okay.

01:34:14.000 And then we said, can we take a walk?

01:34:16.000 You can take a walk.

01:34:16.000 We took a walk.

01:34:17.000 There was a Dairy Queen.

01:34:19.000 I ended up getting Kentucky Fried Chicken.

01:34:21.000 I had some Kentucky Fried Chicken in Bahrain after I've just flown to the other side of the world and I was thinking this is going to be so different and it wasn't that much different.

01:34:29.000 It sounds like you were at a military base.

01:34:32.000 So, well, in Bahrain, we were staying at a Marriott, and then we went into Kuwait, and then we went into- So where'd you get the Kentucky Fried Chicken?

01:34:39.000 Were you in town, or was it a military base?

01:34:41.000 In Bahrain, we weren't on the base.

01:34:43.000 In Bahrain, we were in town.

01:34:44.000 It was whatever the city is in Bahrain.

01:34:46.000 It's almost to me more exciting that when you would go to a place like that, it would already be corrupted by McDonald's.

01:34:53.000 There's something ridiculously thrilling.

01:34:56.000 Look, I would love to land somewhere.

01:34:58.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:34:59.000 I would love to land somewhere and deal only with the authentic culture. 0.87

01:35:04.000 But there's also something kind of weird about flying for 18 hours and landing in some country and ordering a Big Mac and Seeing it being served up by people who live in this strange land different different than you You know grew up in a different environment different culture different language different alphabet Here you are eating a quarter pounder in the same place. 0.99

01:35:25.000 It's like there's something about it that I like when things don't make any sense.

01:35:31.000 I like when things are haywire. 0.99

01:35:33.000 I like when you're like, what in the fuck have you done? 0.98

01:35:36.000 There's something about that that I like. 0.99

01:35:38.000 And I like a Burger King in the middle of Thailand.

01:35:40.000 I like it.

01:35:41.000 I don't want to eat there.

01:35:42.000 I don't want to eat there. 0.77

01:35:43.000 But there's part of me that's like the ridiculous folly of humans and their decision making and what we do and what we don't do. 0.62

01:35:53.000 I'm thrilled by it. 0.82

01:35:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:55.000 I'm thrilled by ridiculous videos of dudes getting on a slip and slide trying to ride a fucking beer keg down the side of a hill when you know it's gonna go wrong. 0.99

01:36:04.000 I'm thrilled by that, you know? 0.99

01:36:07.000 And this is a part of me that I'm trying to really suppress that I'm not thrilled by people dying from this virus.

01:36:14.000 I'm not thrilled by you if you feel ill.

01:36:16.000 I'm not thrilled by any of that.

01:36:17.000 I'm not thrilled by anybody suffering, but I'm thrilled by chaos. 0.85

01:36:21.000 I'm thrilled by the fact that this whole system gets thrown into a fucking, just a blender and spun around and no one knows what's going to get spit out. 0.98

01:36:31.000 And a lot of these people, you're getting really clearly revealed that they're frauds. 0.99

01:36:37.000 These people that are in positions of leadership are bizarre human beings that don't even live in reality.

01:36:43.000 I was watching Nancy Pelosi trying to dance her way out of saying that in February she was telling people to go to Chinatown, hang out, have a good time, don't worry about it. 0.99

01:36:53.000 You are doing the same thing you're accusing the president of doing.

01:36:56.000 You're accusing Trump of not warning people.

01:36:59.000 Well, you didn't warn anybody either.

01:37:01.000 Everyone's playing gotcha with this. 0.99

01:37:03.000 Nobody saw what the fuck was coming. 0.99

01:37:05.000 Like I said, the fucking World Health Organization in a tweet was saying it can't be transmitted from person to person. 0.99

01:37:13.000 No one knew. 0.99

01:37:14.000 So this is all this chaos of all these people getting revealed.

01:37:21.000 I like it.

01:37:22.000 There's part of it that I like.

01:37:23.000 I enjoy it.

01:37:24.000 I understand that, yeah.

01:37:24.000 Because I think that one thing that we have above all the people that live before us is that we have more access to information.

01:37:32.000 We see the flaws better.

01:37:34.000 We see the flaws better.

01:37:35.000 Whereas before we were lied to and bullshitted.

01:37:38.000 Now you can see it better.

01:37:40.000 Doesn't mean those flaws aren't gonna exist, but those people are gonna have to be they're gonna have to be authentic They're not authentic right now Like when you see someone the record will show that I was there in Chinatown to tell people to not be racist The record will show you can't do that anymore.

01:37:57.000 You can't do that anymore We demand you be authentic and if you made a mistake Like that?

01:38:03.000 Like in February?

01:38:04.000 Look, man, if you were hanging out with me in February and we were barbecuing, I'd be like, it's probably like the flu.

01:38:08.000 People are going to get sick, they're going to die. 0.99

01:38:10.000 But I'm not a fucking expert, okay? 1.00

01:38:12.000 I'm not a politician. 0.98

01:38:13.000 And if I said that, I'd be like, man, was I wrong.

01:38:16.000 Here's why I thought that.

01:38:17.000 Here's what I wouldn't say.

01:38:18.000 The record will show.

01:38:20.000 The reason why I said that is I want you to not be racist to Chinese people.

01:38:24.000 Like, if you believe that, like this is like some intricate plot.

01:38:28.000 That Nancy Pelosi had to sort of stop racism against Chinese people. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Like, nonsense!

01:38:34.000 Right. 1.00

01:38:34.000 You were talking shit, and the world changed. 1.00

01:38:37.000 And it was the same as, like, was it the Secretary of Health in New York City? 1.00

01:38:40.000 Who was it that was telling people to go out, take the subway?

01:38:43.000 I forget who it was, but there was this lady. 1.00

01:38:45.000 She made a bad call.

01:38:47.000 Right.

01:38:47.000 But nobody knew.

01:38:48.000 The World Health Organization's telling people it can't be transmitted from person to person at one point in time.

01:38:53.000 No one knew.

01:38:54.000 It's a new thing.

01:38:54.000 You know, we're mistakes made.

01:38:56.000 Of course they're made. 0.99

01:38:57.000 Who's the perfect person in real time in the middle of a fucking pandemic crisis? 0.98

01:39:02.000 That person doesn't exist. 0.97

01:39:03.000 They don't have access to the information.

01:39:04.000 To make perfect decisions, you have to have all the information.

01:39:07.000 Was some of it ignored?

01:39:08.000 Yeah, because there was conflicting information.

01:39:10.000 So it has to be sifted through.

01:39:12.000 Is hydroxychloroquine?

01:39:13.000 Turns out that stuff kills more people than not using it.

01:39:16.000 Oops.

01:39:16.000 Yeah, whoops!

01:39:17.000 That's not good!

01:39:18.000 But then there's some other stuff.

01:39:19.000 What is the new stuff that the nurse was telling us about?

01:39:23.000 And by the way, I feel good about getting that antibody test.

01:39:29.000 Yes, it's good to know.

01:39:30.000 It's interesting.

01:39:31.000 Well, I feel good about that, and I really feel good about, I guess it was what we're saying, it was the UCLA study that was saying that it has a much smaller rate of mortality than was initially thought.

01:39:44.000 So early antibody testing, we talked about this...

01:39:47.000 So wait, how did they determine that?

01:39:48.000 Is it because more people are being tested and fewer people are...

01:39:52.000 What is it?

01:39:53.000 This is how they do it.

01:39:54.000 As they are testing people, they're realizing far more people have had the virus and survived.

01:39:59.000 From the antibody test?

01:40:00.000 Yes, from the antibody test.

01:40:01.000 Far more, but on a magnitude of whatever.

01:40:05.000 They thought it was like 2,000.

01:40:06.000 It turns out it's like 400,000.

01:40:08.000 Or they thought it was 20,000, and it's 400,000 is the most.

01:40:12.000 And through that, they've determined it has a much lower fatality rate than they initially anticipated.

01:40:18.000 They were thinking it was going to be like 5%, 10% fatality rate.

01:40:22.000 It's like one half of 1%.

01:40:23.000 But that doesn't mean it's not dangerous.

01:40:26.000 It just means that it's not as dangerous as the worst case scenario could have been.

01:40:31.000 Like if it was like the H1N1, which I think is some crazy number.

01:40:35.000 A billion infected, I think.

01:40:37.000 But no, I mean as far as fatality rate.

01:40:40.000 For certain people it's a very high rate of fatality.

01:40:42.000 This was not as bad as that.

01:40:44.000 But they didn't know.

01:40:45.000 They didn't know.

01:40:46.000 But they didn't do the social distancing with H1N1. Everyone didn't go, we didn't do this whole shutdown.

01:40:51.000 So then you go, well, maybe if we hadn't done the shutdown there would have been way worse.

01:40:55.000 They took some steps.

01:40:55.000 I don't know what the steps were.

01:40:56.000 This was during the Obama administration.

01:40:57.000 I think it was 2009. Bert Kreischer thinks he had it.

01:41:00.000 He said he felt worse than he's ever felt in his life.

01:41:02.000 I have a friend who, in December, We had the worst flu we ever had.

01:41:08.000 It was a weird flu.

01:41:09.000 I have a few friends who've had that.

01:41:11.000 This has been around longer than we know.

01:41:12.000 They said the first case was in January.

01:41:14.000 That was in December.

01:41:15.000 I don't know.

01:41:15.000 Who knows?

01:41:18.000 You've got to take care of your immune system, folks.

01:41:20.000 This is number one.

01:41:21.000 You've got to shore up the troops.

01:41:23.000 Take care of the troops.

01:41:23.000 They're going to fight the war for you.

01:41:25.000 If you have an army and your army is malfed and you're feeding them junk food and bullshit and you're pumping them full of cigarettes, you expect them to fight With all they have, what they have is going to be less. 0.96

01:41:38.000 Okay?

01:41:38.000 It doesn't mean they're not going to fight to the death or whatever, but what they have is going to be less than if you took that army and fed them healthy food and gave them eight hours rest a night and taught them how to meditate and kept stress low, like legitimately.

01:41:52.000 And that's how you have to think about your immune system.

01:41:54.000 The same way you would think about an army.

01:41:57.000 Think about your immune system as this is going to be what protects you from the invaders.

01:42:02.000 And the invaders are invisible viruses.

01:42:05.000 And they exist.

01:42:06.000 And they've always existed.

01:42:07.000 And we know it.

01:42:08.000 This is not a rumor.

01:42:09.000 This is not alchemy.

01:42:11.000 This is not nonsense. 0.99

01:42:11.000 This is a fucking scientific fact. 0.99

01:42:14.000 And even knowing that scientific fact, beautifully intelligent people that are some of the most creative and innovative people the world has ever known still ignore their own physical health. 0.99

01:42:24.000 Because they don't think of it as a primary concern.

01:42:26.000 They think of it as a frivolous, egocentric, narcissistic endeavor to look good and work out. 0.99

01:42:34.000 And what, are you going to wear fucking tank tops and flex your guns? 1.00

01:42:38.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:42:39.000 I'm doing research! 0.99

01:42:40.000 But we all need to take care of our bodies. 1.00

01:42:43.000 This is something that needs to be like, it should be like brushing your goddamn teeth. 1.00

01:42:47.000 Did your teeth fall out of your head? 1.00

01:42:49.000 Well, hey, stupid, you should have brushed your fucking teeth. 1.00

01:42:51.000 Alright? 1.00

01:42:52.000 Did your body start falling apart?

01:42:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:54.000 Hey, stupid, did you do your exercises every day? 1.00

01:42:57.000 You didn't. 1.00

01:42:57.000 You don't exercise every day. 1.00

01:42:59.000 I can't help you.

01:43:00.000 You're not helping yourself.

01:43:02.000 Exercise.

01:43:02.000 Doesn't mean you have to be Mr. Olympia.

01:43:04.000 Means you should be doing jump rope or push-ups or whatever your physically you can, if you have some limitations, whatever you can withstand.

01:43:12.000 Walk around your block with ankle weights on.

01:43:14.000 Do something. 0.99

01:43:15.000 Fucking do something, man. 0.99

01:43:17.000 Eat right. 0.99

01:43:18.000 Do it.

01:43:20.000 So you have such a huge responsibility here.

01:43:22.000 You know that, obviously.

01:43:23.000 But because you have so many people watching this show, okay?

01:43:27.000 Why are you trying to freak me out, Tom Green?

01:43:29.000 A little bit.

01:43:30.000 You're responsible.

01:43:30.000 It's all you're responsible.

01:43:31.000 You're responsible for me doing this.

01:43:32.000 How about that?

01:43:33.000 Ultimately, you.

01:43:34.000 I'm like your kid.

01:43:36.000 Yeah, you know, Patrice used to say that about comedians that, like, imitated him.

01:43:40.000 They're my babies.

01:43:41.000 Patrice used to say, like, David Tell's got a lot of babies out there, because there's a lot of people imitating David Tell.

01:43:46.000 But you have a lot of babies, and I'm one of your babies.

01:43:48.000 How about that?

01:43:52.000 That's very nice of you to say.

01:43:54.000 That's hilarious.

01:43:55.000 I'm the baby of you and Opie and Anthony and Howard Stern.

01:44:00.000 You, Howard Stern, and Opie and Anthony got together in a gangbang with Terrence McKenna.

01:44:06.000 I'm all your babies.

01:44:10.000 I'm all your babies.

01:44:11.000 That is very kind of you to say.

01:44:12.000 It's a fact.

01:44:13.000 I'm sitting here on your incredible show with everybody is riveted by your show.

01:44:19.000 And when you say something, it matters.

01:44:22.000 Which is different than when you do a show on your...

01:44:26.000 I do a podcast now.

01:44:27.000 I've got a few people listening, but it doesn't matter, right?

01:44:30.000 That's a responsibility.

01:44:31.000 So it's a responsibility of the people listening.

01:44:33.000 But when you say something here, it will affect...

01:44:38.000 The entire society.

01:44:39.000 You have people now who don't believe in the stay home order.

01:44:43.000 Well, they should.

01:44:45.000 They should until the actual scientific experts tell them that they should go out.

01:44:52.000 But here's the thing.

01:44:55.000 Who are the experts?

01:44:57.000 And are they different in different states?

01:44:59.000 And I think that's one of the benefits of having 50 states.

01:45:02.000 When I was talking about the different styles of living, Arizona lets you have a gun.

01:45:07.000 Just carry it on your hip, right?

01:45:09.000 You can't do that in San Francisco, right?

01:45:11.000 There's different styles of living.

01:45:13.000 Let's find out what different styles are the right way to reopen the world.

01:45:17.000 We know the world's got to be reopened.

01:45:19.000 We're not going to just stay in our house forever.

01:45:20.000 We're going to run out of food.

01:45:21.000 We have to do things.

01:45:23.000 So do we have to do things after the vaccination, and can our society survive that?

01:45:27.000 Do you know how many people are committing suicide right now?

01:45:30.000 A friend of mine, I heard he said Nick Swartzen.

01:45:32.000 I said it yesterday.

01:45:33.000 Sorry, Nick.

01:45:34.000 He told me he was talking to the sheriff, and the sheriff said they used to deal with one suicide a week.

01:45:39.000 Now they're doing five a day.

01:45:41.000 This is something that needs to be factored in.

01:45:43.000 Another thing, there's a Bloomberg, there was an article that was written that were talking about the drop in the economy equivalent to the loss of a certain number of lives.

01:45:55.000 And that every time the economy drops a certain percentage, it's equal to X amount of lives.

01:46:00.000 We might get to a place where it's conceivable that more lives are lost because of the ensuing depression and economic shutdown than we would have been lost if we didn't close down anything and we just let everybody get sick.

01:46:15.000 It is a complicated thing.

01:46:17.000 And this is one thing that we have to really rely on the people that are supposed to be in power to address accurately and honestly.

01:46:24.000 No one knows the right way to do this.

01:46:28.000 There are some real good protocols that are in place for keeping people healthy and protecting each other and staying away from each other as much as possible and wiping things down and using hand sanitizer and stopping the spread.

01:46:41.000 Yes, for sure.

01:46:42.000 But no one knows how to get this thing started again.

01:46:45.000 No one knows what's going to happen.

01:46:46.000 No one knows what the risks are.

01:46:48.000 Are we going to wait?

01:46:49.000 And in the meantime, What about the other diseases that are still around?

01:46:53.000 What about the colds and the flus?

01:46:55.000 What about all that stuff?

01:46:57.000 You know what kills more people than any of these things?

01:47:00.000 Including COVID-19 projections?

01:47:02.000 Heart attacks.

01:47:03.000 Heart attacks killing people left and right.

01:47:05.000 How come there's no alarms to stop people from dying of heart attacks?

01:47:10.000 Heart disease was number one.

01:47:13.000 The flu and all these other things that we're all terrified of...

01:47:16.000 This is lack of, first of all, lack of information, not knowing.

01:47:21.000 I mean, you don't know if you can prevent this, right?

01:47:25.000 You know you eat well, and you look after yourself, you'd be less likely to have a heart attack, but you don't know if you can't breathe in a heart attack.

01:47:32.000 Well, and then the heart attack thing is all dependent upon your genetics as well.

01:47:35.000 There's some people that have a predisposition to heart attacks.

01:47:38.000 But again, I guess I asked this already, but that's a lot of pressure, Joe.

01:47:44.000 I mean, because if you say something wrong, and it's sending people...

01:47:49.000 So you must...

01:47:50.000 I'm just kind of curious.

01:47:51.000 How much time do you spend researching?

01:47:54.000 Because you know so much information. 1.00

01:47:56.000 I talk out of my ass 99% of the time. 0.99

01:47:58.000 I have Jamie Google things to correct me in midstream. 0.99

01:48:01.000 So is it instinct? 0.99

01:48:02.000 Are you able to see sort of the truth through the bullshit? 0.99

01:48:07.000 And then you kind of... 0.99

01:48:09.000 Well, you sort it out in real time.

01:48:10.000 Because you're walking a very fine line, and I think you're walking it incredibly well in a way that many, many, many great many people are not, right?

01:48:18.000 It seems like we're in this world now where, because everything's so polarized, oh, I've got to choose to say this, because that's what everyone's saying.

01:48:26.000 And they're just kind of saying it because everyone's saying it.

01:48:28.000 Whereas you definitely straddle that...

01:48:31.000 Line in a way that to me seems incredibly astute, but also must be some pressure to make sure that you're right.

01:48:42.000 Not until you started telling me about it.

01:48:43.000 Now I'm thinking about it, freaking out, Tom Green. 1.00

01:48:46.000 Well, because you could easily be here and saying, hey, this is bullshit. 0.99

01:48:52.000 I told him he was my daddy, and now he's being Give me a little tap of that. 0.99

01:48:58.000 Now he's basically giving me the hard conversation.

01:49:03.000 Are you going to spray down the bottle?

01:49:05.000 Do you want me to pour it for you?

01:49:05.000 I'll pour it.

01:49:06.000 Don't touch it.

01:49:08.000 Don't be scared.

01:49:09.000 Jesus Christ.

01:49:10.000 I'm curious because it's fascinating to me.

01:49:12.000 Thank you.

01:49:13.000 How do I do it?

01:49:14.000 Yeah, how do you make those determinations?

01:49:16.000 Because a lot of people have made mistakes right now.

01:49:18.000 A lot of commentators have made mistakes who have said things.

01:49:21.000 I make mistakes too. 0.99

01:49:22.000 If you're doing 1,500 whatever the fuck shows plus fight companions and shit, I don't know. 0.97

01:49:27.000 JRE, MMA shows, there's another 50 of those at least, right? 0.98

01:49:30.000 A hundred?

01:49:31.000 Jesus.

01:49:32.000 We're living in a world now and you make one mistake, you take that clip and they put it out there.

01:49:35.000 They've already done that.

01:49:36.000 That's okay.

01:49:36.000 Go ahead.

01:49:37.000 Keep going.

01:49:38.000 Do it again.

01:49:39.000 It's the vast number of interactions that most people have with each other are positive, right?

01:49:50.000 Otherwise, the world would be a war zone.

01:49:52.000 Most of the time, you're dealing with people like, hey, how you doing?

01:49:54.000 Hey, what's up?

01:49:55.000 Hey, this.

01:49:56.000 The same thing with podcasts.

01:49:57.000 The vast majority Of the stuff that you do is going to be good. 1.00

01:50:01.000 There's going to be moments where some guy, you were taking a left turn, and he honked you, and you said, fuck you, and he said, no, fuck you, and, like, that guy's got a bad opinion of you, you got a bad opinion of him. 1.00

01:50:11.000 That's going to happen, too. 1.00

01:50:12.000 Well, that's the same in podcasts.

01:50:13.000 There's going to be these moments where things just fall apart or go off the rails.

01:50:17.000 He's got to accept it.

01:50:18.000 It is what it is.

01:50:20.000 And how do you decide to not...

01:50:23.000 And I don't feel like you do have an agenda to change or change things in any sort of premeditated direction.

01:50:31.000 You're just trying to be honest.

01:50:33.000 People don't want to change things.

01:50:33.000 Because everyone has an agenda, right?

01:50:35.000 You say this about Nancy Pelosi or you say this about whoever on right, left, right, left.

01:50:39.000 They've got an agenda.

01:50:39.000 Oh, I can't say this even though I believe it because that's not going to work with the narrative, right?

01:50:46.000 That seems crazy.

01:50:49.000 I don't have an agenda.

01:50:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:51.000 I can tell.

01:50:52.000 You just want to be real.

01:50:53.000 Well, I just want to be able to talk to friends about stuff that's actually happening.

01:50:59.000 That's it.

01:50:59.000 But if I have an agenda at all, it's that I want people to do better.

01:51:04.000 Me included.

01:51:06.000 I mean, it's one of the things that I like to do.

01:51:08.000 Is that possible at this point?

01:51:09.000 Sure.

01:51:09.000 For sure.

01:51:10.000 For you to do better?

01:51:10.000 With everything.

01:51:10.000 With stand-up, with...

01:51:12.000 Archery.

01:51:12.000 Yeah, I get better at playing pool the more I practice.

01:51:15.000 Yeah, maybe get better at pool maybe.

01:51:18.000 Doing like Muay Thai, doing martial arts.

01:51:20.000 Like the more you do it, the more you think about how you're doing it and more you realize like, oh, there's like a lot of stuff I could learn here.

01:51:26.000 That's what I want people to do.

01:51:28.000 I want people to find things and try to get better at them.

01:51:32.000 Doesn't mean try to be the best, doesn't mean be obsessed with it.

01:51:34.000 There's something that you get out of trying to be better.

01:51:37.000 Whether it's better physically, like if you choose just to develop a better...

01:51:42.000 People look down at bodybuilding.

01:51:44.000 A lot of people look down at bodybuilding. 1.00

01:51:45.000 Like, oh, fucking meatheads. 1.00

01:51:47.000 Okay, that's great. 1.00

01:51:49.000 Sometimes people fit the stereotype, but there's kind of something cool about someone saying, I'm going to turn my body into a work of art.

01:51:58.000 I'm going to develop a freakish physique.

01:52:01.000 No.

01:52:01.000 Where I look like the Incredible Hulk in a comic book, and I'm just going to be walking around everywhere with cut-off shirts on.

01:52:09.000 What you're doing is kind of weird, but it's kind of interesting, too. 0.88

01:52:13.000 We just decide that it's stupid because we don't do it. 0.99

01:52:16.000 We decide that it's stupid because I don't want to be 320 pounds with 28-inch arms and fucking walking around. 1.00

01:52:22.000 But some people do. 0.99

01:52:23.000 And there's kind of something interesting about watching someone do that to their body.

01:52:27.000 There's something weird about it.

01:52:28.000 It's a weird pursuit.

01:52:29.000 At what point does it cross that line with bodybuilding?

01:52:32.000 Like, you know, you're healthy, you're working out, you're getting, you know, clearly I work out.

01:52:35.000 No, but you're working out, you're all of a sudden, you're starting to go, hey, I'm getting close to that line where, like, remember Joe Piscopo?

01:52:43.000 I loved Joe Piscopo.

01:52:44.000 You got real jacked at one point in time.

01:52:46.000 I loved, like, because I was, you know, in the eighth grade, and Johnny Dangerously came out, you know, you're firing ice holes, and it was like, he was the funniest thing to me.

01:52:53.000 I loved him.

01:52:54.000 That was a great movie.

01:52:55.000 Johnny Dangerously.

01:52:56.000 I forgot about that movie.

01:52:57.000 Johnny Dangerously reference.

01:52:58.000 That's a great movie, man.

01:53:00.000 That was a fun movie.

01:53:01.000 I remember in the eighth grade, we were coming in, you farging ice holes, and we thought it was so hilarious because we're swearing, but we're not really swearing.

01:53:07.000 But then all of a sudden, he became Arnold Schwarzenegger, and there was a decision that got made there at that point.

01:53:12.000 I'm just curious because I'm not really around a lot of the – I don't go to the gym.

01:53:18.000 I don't know if you can tell.

01:53:18.000 Do you work out at home?

01:53:19.000 I don't know if you can tell, but I don't go to the gym.

01:53:20.000 Do you work out at home?

01:53:21.000 I walk.

01:53:22.000 I walk a lot.

01:53:23.000 So you're just trying to stay alive?

01:53:25.000 Pretty much, yeah.

01:53:26.000 You like the Bee Gees.

01:53:27.000 Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

01:53:30.000 You know, when I'm on the road and there's a gym in the hotel, right?

01:53:34.000 Great song.

01:53:35.000 Yeah, great song.

01:53:36.000 Maybe once a month I'll go to the gym.

01:53:38.000 Once a month's a good number. 0.81

01:53:39.000 It's better than zero times a month.

01:53:41.000 Once a month on the road.

01:53:41.000 Once a month's not the worst thing.

01:53:44.000 Yeah, I go to the gym.

01:53:44.000 Zero times a month is bad.

01:53:46.000 But I walk a lot and I touch my toes.

01:53:49.000 I stretch.

01:53:50.000 Mmm, dangerous.

01:53:51.000 Living dangerous.

01:53:53.000 Yeah, you're alive, dude.

01:53:54.000 You should do more than that.

01:53:56.000 Get a trainer.

01:53:57.000 You got some cash.

01:53:57.000 I need more exercise.

01:53:58.000 Once you get a trainer, once all this boils over, get some dude to come over in a hazmat shooting. 0.63

01:54:03.000 Yes.

01:54:03.000 Show you how to do burpees.

01:54:05.000 I just worry.

01:54:07.000 I don't even know what a burpee is.

01:54:09.000 It's a fun exercise.

01:54:10.000 You stand there, you jump up, right?

01:54:13.000 You drop down, you do a push-up, back to your feet, jump up.

01:54:17.000 And that's one.

01:54:18.000 That's one revolution.

01:54:19.000 And you keep going.

01:54:21.000 Anytime I do any sort of organized exercise, I feel great.

01:54:26.000 Why don't you do it more often, then?

01:54:27.000 I need to.

01:54:28.000 It's a weird thing.

01:54:29.000 Come on.

01:54:30.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:54:31.000 It's like this weird sort of, you know, you got to do it, but I often make the decision like, because I've made this decision every time I go to a new hotel when I'm on the road.

01:54:42.000 I say, this weekend, I'm going to work out.

01:54:44.000 I pack my gym clothes.

01:54:46.000 I put them in the thing.

01:54:47.000 I say, okay, tomorrow morning when I get up, I'm going to go to the gym.

01:54:49.000 Then I get up in the morning.

01:54:51.000 And then I just like go get lunch.

01:54:53.000 Do you brush your teeth? 1.00

01:54:54.000 Do you take a shit? 1.00

01:54:55.000 I do. 1.00

01:54:55.000 Go to the gym. 1.00

01:54:56.000 I do.

01:54:56.000 Just go to the gym.

01:54:57.000 It's like don't give yourself an out.

01:54:59.000 The problem is you give yourself an out.

01:55:00.000 You can't give yourself an out.

01:55:02.000 Why do I do that though?

01:55:04.000 Steven Pressfield wrote about it in The War of Art.

01:55:07.000 It's a great book if you haven't read it.

01:55:09.000 The War of Art.

01:55:09.000 It's a real small book.

01:55:10.000 I used to have a stack of them.

01:55:12.000 I used to hand them out to guests.

01:55:13.000 He talks about this thing that we all have, everyone has.

01:55:17.000 Not just me, everybody that does anything has.

01:55:21.000 And it's like this voice in your head that wants you to do nothing.

01:55:28.000 This voice in your head, and he calls it resistance.

01:55:31.000 Yeah.

01:55:31.000 And he talks about this resistance that is in your head and that you have to decide that you are a professional.

01:55:38.000 This is what a professional does.

01:55:39.000 A professional goes to work and they give in to the muse.

01:55:45.000 Okay?

01:55:45.000 The concept of the muse.

01:55:47.000 Whether or not it's real, but the concept of the muse is You settle in and receive creativity almost like as a divine gift from this magical entity, the muse.

01:55:59.000 Now whether or not it's real is not important.

01:56:01.000 What's important is if you treat it as if it's real, it does work.

01:56:06.000 And what works is if you dedicate your time and your focus, like realistically, with a professional, disciplined effort to creativity.

01:56:15.000 You show up every day, like a professional, but you show up to be creative if you just do it.

01:56:20.000 On a regular basis, ideas will come to you.

01:56:23.000 Where are these ideas coming from?

01:56:24.000 Well, his concept was to think of it as, you're a professional, and you're getting these ideas from the muse.

01:56:31.000 And this is what you do.

01:56:31.000 You show up and you do the work, you focus on it, and these ideas will come to you.

01:56:35.000 And that's really true, if you really stop and think about it. 0.99

01:56:38.000 If you write something, whether it's the most brilliant thing you've ever written, or whether you're not good at editing, and it turns out to be dog shit. 0.99

01:56:46.000 Where is that coming from, man? 0.99

01:56:48.000 You're just sitting down in front of your laptop and these thoughts are coming to you and all of a sudden you're talking about a kid who's riding a bike and he gets attacked by a werewolf. 0.99

01:56:56.000 Like, where the fuck is this coming from? 0.98

01:57:00.000 If it's not coming from the muse, where is it coming from? 0.99

01:57:03.000 Well, it's coming from my creativity.

01:57:05.000 Okay.

01:57:06.000 Do you know how to access your creativity like you can blink?

01:57:09.000 No, you don't.

01:57:10.000 Do you know how to access your activity like you can lick something or perform any sort of physical function that's repeatable?

01:57:16.000 No, you don't.

01:57:16.000 It's a non-repeatable thing.

01:57:19.000 Treat it like it's magic.

01:57:21.000 But treat it like you're a professional, and you show up to engage with the magic.

01:57:25.000 So every day, at the same time, you sit down in front of your keyboard, and you start working.

01:57:30.000 And just put in the work, put in the work, and force yourself to do it.

01:57:34.000 Force it like a muscle. 0.91

01:57:35.000 Like the same muscle that you develop when you go running every day, and then you get to the point where like seven days in, you start fucking feeling good running. 0.91

01:57:42.000 Right. 0.96

01:57:43.000 Right.

01:57:44.000 So you start to feel like you're good at it.

01:57:45.000 You start feeling like you're getting better.

01:57:47.000 Yeah.

01:57:48.000 Because you're putting in the time.

01:57:49.000 I think that's what it is.

01:57:50.000 Because I'm very focused on so many things in my life, but for some reason, I think I'm figuring it out now.

01:57:57.000 Yeah.

01:57:57.000 You explained it to me.

01:57:58.000 Yeah.

01:57:59.000 Because when I go to the gym, I feel like I'm not good at it.

01:58:02.000 And I feel self-conscious about it.

01:58:04.000 Of course.

01:58:04.000 And I feel like, oh, I don't really know what I'm doing.

01:58:06.000 Are people looking at me?

01:58:07.000 I don't know how the weight is.

01:58:08.000 Bad inputs.

01:58:09.000 Bad inputs, right?

01:58:10.000 Bad feelings.

01:58:10.000 And then you don't like it.

01:58:11.000 Right.

01:58:11.000 So then you don't want to do it again.

01:58:13.000 And then you're next to some goddamn Calvin Klein model with his shirt off. 0.99

01:58:16.000 Right. 0.99

01:58:17.000 And he looks amazing.

01:58:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:18.000 You're like, shit! 1.00

01:58:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:20.000 Yeah.

01:58:20.000 And he's jacked.

01:58:22.000 And he's posing.

01:58:23.000 Sitting there.

01:58:24.000 He's been working out for 12 years straight.

01:58:26.000 Never took it a day off.

01:58:28.000 You see those side muscles?

01:58:30.000 Like...

01:58:31.000 Yeah, just make me feel bad about myself.

01:58:35.000 I'm feeling bad about myself, and I don't like that feeling, so I'd rather just not do it.

01:58:40.000 But I do think that, yeah, I guess getting a trainer would help because you have somebody to talk to.

01:58:47.000 You know you're not making a mistake because they're telling you what to do.

01:58:50.000 Not only are they telling you what to do, but they're going to chart progress.

01:58:52.000 And they're gonna challenge you like a good trainer is look it's a very valuable resource Like if you can afford a trainer if you can't there's a lot of great resources online on YouTube man YouTube is for someone who wants to learn Exercise routines and wants to learn like a body weight routine that they can do just in their living room There's never been a better time to be quarantined You don't have to pay for a gym membership.

01:59:19.000 A lot of people are going to realize, hey, if I have a fucking chin-up bar in my house and one kettlebell, I don't need a gym membership.

01:59:27.000 I got gravity boots for stretching my back out. 0.97

01:59:30.000 I can do sit-ups on that thing.

01:59:32.000 I can do leg lifts.

01:59:33.000 I can do a million different things with kettlebells.

01:59:36.000 Literally a million.

01:59:38.000 Gravity boots?

01:59:39.000 Yeah.

01:59:39.000 Gravity boots, man.

01:59:40.000 You hang from your ankles. 0.61

01:59:41.000 Okay.

01:59:42.000 You never done that?

01:59:42.000 No.

01:59:43.000 Oh my god, it feels so good.

01:59:44.000 God, if I had those.

01:59:45.000 It feels so good.

01:59:46.000 It's like...

01:59:47.000 How often do you do that?

01:59:49.000 I have a thing called...

01:59:51.000 It's a teeter, and it straps onto your ankles, and now you don't have to have the gravity boots anymore.

01:59:56.000 You're on a plank, and it tilts you upside down.

01:59:59.000 You can try it right out here.

02:00:00.000 We have it out here in the studio.

02:00:02.000 Okay, I'll spray it down.

02:00:03.000 Another thing that Teeter makes that I like even better, it's called the Dex, and you hang from your waist.

02:00:08.000 It locks you in like you're going to do a leg curl.

02:00:11.000 I've seen these things, but I can't imagine having gravity boots at home right now by myself just hanging upside down.

02:00:15.000 The Dex is better for you because the Dex you don't have to hang.

02:00:18.000 You just put your legs in this thing.

02:00:21.000 Don't you think that one feels the best?

02:00:23.000 Yeah, because Jamie, you had some back problems when you fell.

02:00:26.000 Jamie fell on the hoverboard.

02:00:27.000 I'm sorry I'm laughing, but he's over it. 0.99

02:00:29.000 Those hoverboards are fucking dangerous, man. 0.99

02:00:31.000 Those things that you stand on. 1.00

02:00:33.000 Oh, right.

02:00:34.000 The little two-wheel things?

02:00:36.000 Yeah.

02:00:36.000 Well, Jamie was learning out here, and we have concrete floors.

02:00:40.000 And Jamie went, whoo!

02:00:41.000 Those are hard.

02:00:42.000 I was playing with my camera while I was doing it. 0.98

02:00:44.000 I was doing some shit you shouldn't do. 0.98

02:00:45.000 You shouldn't do that. 0.99

02:00:46.000 You should concentrate entirely on what you're doing.

02:00:48.000 You want to be distracted when you learn how to do it.

02:00:50.000 I remember the first time I did it at the Comedy Store, I almost fell, but my friend Tate was there, Tate the Gorilla, Fletcher.

02:00:57.000 He had a hold of me when I was on this thing.

02:00:59.000 I was like, oh my god, how does anybody ever get good at this?

02:01:01.000 Like, this is so crazy!

02:01:02.000 Like, I'm gonna die!

02:01:04.000 And then five minutes later, I was like...

02:01:06.000 It's like a really quick thing to learn.

02:01:09.000 I've tried one once, and I skateboarded my whole life, and that's still...

02:01:12.000 It's a completely counterintuitive sort of balancing thing, yeah. 0.99

02:01:15.000 Well, Jamie was fucked. 1.00

02:01:16.000 He might have broken his ass bone. 1.00

02:01:18.000 Didn't you think he broke your ass bone? 1.00

02:01:19.000 I probably did. 0.99

02:01:20.000 I think it took about a year and a half to heal.

02:01:22.000 Ooh! 0.96

02:01:22.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:01:23.000 He was talking about there was a kind of pain that he had, then we saw it on a video.

02:01:27.000 That was like a similar injury.

02:01:29.000 Zach Bitter was in here and described the exact same thing.

02:01:32.000 That's right.

02:01:32.000 He went to doctors and they couldn't figure it out.

02:01:34.000 That's right.

02:01:35.000 Zach Bitter, who is the world record holder for a 100-mile run.

02:01:41.000 He did 100 miles in 11 hours and 40-something minutes.

02:01:46.000 Is that what it is? 0.98

02:01:47.000 Which is the most bonkers thing I've ever fucking heard in my life. 0.98

02:01:50.000 And then he ran a few miles after that. 0.98

02:01:51.000 Wait, what did he do?

02:01:52.000 He ran 100 miles in a row in 11 hours and 40-something minutes.

02:01:59.000 Ran 100 miles in a track.

02:02:01.000 Oh, in a track.

02:02:02.000 So he just went circles for 11 hours.

02:02:05.000 U.S. distance runner Zach Bitter.

02:02:06.000 Shout out to Zach. 1.00

02:02:07.000 He's a fucking savage. 1.00

02:02:08.000 So that's the fastest you could run 100 miles. 1.00

02:02:10.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:02:12.000 11 hours, 19 minutes.

02:02:14.000 So that's the record for running?

02:02:15.000 Not even 40 minutes.

02:02:16.000 It's amazing that they're measuring that.

02:02:17.000 Like, how many people have ever even tried that?

02:02:19.000 A lot.

02:02:20.000 To run 100 miles?

02:02:21.000 Yeah.

02:02:21.000 Because a four-minute mile was a big thing.

02:02:23.000 He did it in...

02:02:24.000 The 100-mile record, though.

02:02:25.000 That's a big commitment to break that record.

02:02:27.000 It's crazy. 0.99

02:02:28.000 11 hours, 19 minutes to go 100 miles is fucking bonkers. 0.99

02:02:33.000 That's bonkers. 1.00

02:02:34.000 Wow.

02:02:35.000 I wonder if he would have gotten 100 miles in the same time if he'd just been running on the street.

02:02:41.000 Obviously not.

02:02:42.000 Well, it all depends on whether or not it was totally flat.

02:02:44.000 There's a lot of factors involved when you're running that long.

02:02:47.000 Like, those really savage guys, like my friend Cameron Haynes, he runs that Moab 240. It's through the Moab Mountains.

02:02:55.000 It's 240 miles through the Moab.

02:02:59.000 Like, have you ever seen that terrain?

02:03:00.000 It's chaos, man.

02:03:02.000 I've heard of the Moab.

02:03:03.000 Where's that again?

02:03:03.000 It's in Utah.

02:03:04.000 Utah, right, okay.

02:03:05.000 They pull up the images from the Moab 240. So this is a whole different thing.

02:03:10.000 So this is not just 240 miles, but this is 240 miles.

02:03:14.000 I love that we're pulling up videos, by the way.

02:03:16.000 Like, look at some videos.

02:03:19.000 That's got to be a hilarious thing to be able to have the ability to do that, by the way.

02:03:22.000 To wake up in the morning and say, I'm just going to go outside and then, you know, 11 hours later, you're in Connecticut.

02:03:29.000 Yeah, right.

02:03:31.000 So this is the footage from the race. 0.99

02:03:35.000 So these folks are running all through the night with fucking headlamps on in the mountains. 0.99

02:03:40.000 It's all like dirt roads and shit, weird trails. 1.00

02:03:45.000 And there's, I don't know how many people are in the race, but it's 240 fucking miles. 0.99

02:03:52.000 Man. 0.91

02:03:55.000 It's amazing the obscure things that people decide to do, right?

02:04:00.000 I mean, that to me seems obscure.

02:04:01.000 I'm sure it's probably a very big thing, but I just watched the movie about the free climbing movie that's playing on the plane, about the guy that climbed...

02:04:14.000 Alex Honnold.

02:04:15.000 Yeah.

02:04:16.000 He's been on here, I'm sure.

02:04:17.000 Yes, he has.

02:04:18.000 Wow.

02:04:19.000 I know.

02:04:20.000 It's like to focus on something that...

02:04:23.000 I mean, how many people?

02:04:24.000 He's the only person that had done that, is he?

02:04:26.000 Or the fastest to have done it?

02:04:27.000 I think he's the only person who did it without ropes.

02:04:31.000 Yeah.

02:04:32.000 So to see somebody that decides, like I said earlier, we're going to make tents.

02:04:36.000 I want to make tents.

02:04:37.000 I want to climb that.

02:04:38.000 Yeah.

02:04:39.000 You get to meet so many people like that.

02:04:41.000 Yeah.

02:04:42.000 That must be fun.

02:04:44.000 Well, it's very important.

02:04:48.000 For me, as a person who's trying to figure people out, is to be able to see this insane spectrum of exceptional people.

02:04:57.000 To see someone like Alex Honnold, who's a really fascinating guy.

02:05:01.000 Very fascinating guy.

02:05:02.000 Because he's really smart, he's really tuned in, he's really mellow.

02:05:06.000 He's got hands like sausages, right?

02:05:09.000 It looked like they've changed.

02:05:12.000 His hands have evolved or something.

02:05:13.000 Climbing up the surfaces of these insane rocks. 0.95

02:05:19.000 Dude, he was telling us a story in the podcast of one time he was halfway up the side of this fucking mountain and he realized he didn't bring his chalk with him. 0.91

02:05:26.000 So he found some other climbers. 0.95

02:05:28.000 That were on their way up, that were on ropes, and he said, hey, do you think I can borrow some chalk?

02:05:32.000 And the guy goes, yeah, I have an extra bag.

02:05:35.000 Here, take it.

02:05:35.000 So he's fucking a thousand feet up, just hanging on, finding other people who are connected to the ropes, and they give him a bag of chalk, and then he leaves it at the top of the mountain, because he passes them, and he's not using any ropes.

02:05:50.000 Fucking Christ, man! 0.99

02:05:53.000 Did you see this video where Jared Leto was climbing with Alex recently? 0.99

02:05:57.000 It's like about March.

02:05:58.000 Oh, I heard about this.

02:05:59.000 Did he fall down or something?

02:06:00.000 He came very close.

02:06:02.000 Don't show me.

02:06:03.000 I'll freak out.

02:06:04.000 Don't show me.

02:06:04.000 I'll freak out.

02:06:05.000 The rope got down to that.

02:06:07.000 Oh, my God.

02:06:07.000 Six hundred feet above the ground.

02:06:09.000 Wow.

02:06:09.000 Oh, my God.

02:06:09.000 That's terrible.

02:06:10.000 That's not good.

02:06:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:06:12.000 Holy shit, dude. 0.99

02:06:16.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

02:06:17.000 Look, I know it's fun, guys. 1.00

02:06:17.000 I jumped out of an airplane with Jared Leto once. 1.00

02:06:20.000 Did you really?

02:06:21.000 Yeah, with Jared Leto.

02:06:23.000 Well, we went to Paris, California together with a group of people, and I had always said, I am never going to jump out of an airplane.

02:06:32.000 That was always my thing that I said my whole life.

02:06:34.000 I'm never going to jump out of an airplane.

02:06:35.000 I'm never going to go parachuting.

02:06:37.000 Have you ever done parachuting?

02:06:38.000 No.

02:06:38.000 Exactly.

02:06:39.000 I feel the same way.

02:06:41.000 But I still ended up doing it because we drove out there together, a group of people, and I realized on the drive that I was the only person that wasn't jumping out of the airplane.

02:06:52.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:06:52.000 And for whatever reason, my competitive spirit got the best of me.

02:06:55.000 I said, there's no way I'm going to be the one that didn't jump out of the airplane on the way back.

02:06:59.000 So we suited up and...

02:07:04.000 I had just done that movie, Charlie's Angels, okay?

02:07:07.000 And there was a lot of parachuting in it, and the stunt coordinators from that movie were taking the cast out to jump out if they wanted to.

02:07:17.000 So I went, and Jared Leto was there.

02:07:21.000 You know, my friends were there.

02:07:23.000 And I did it.

02:07:25.000 I did it.

02:07:26.000 And I didn't regret it, but I'll never do it again.

02:07:29.000 It was amazing.

02:07:30.000 It was exciting.

02:07:31.000 It was tandem.

02:07:32.000 You know, you have a guy, you're strapped onto a guy.

02:07:37.000 Guy's on your back, right?

02:07:38.000 Guy's on your back.

02:07:39.000 He's on your back, yeah.

02:07:41.000 He's on your back?

02:07:41.000 He's on your back.

02:07:42.000 I don't like that.

02:07:46.000 You go, and the craziest thing is you go, and you flip, you flip, and then immediately you see the plane.

02:07:53.000 The plane is filling your peripheral vision, and then immediately the plane goes from...

02:07:56.000 Gets small.

02:07:58.000 And you realize, wow, that perfectly good airplane, as they say, that perfectly good airplane is getting a lot further away.

02:08:06.000 And now the weirdest part about it was...

02:08:08.000 This was 20 years ago now, but...

02:08:10.000 Or 18 or whatever.

02:08:11.000 But now you're doing this, right?

02:08:15.000 And you kind of realize, hey, we've got some sort of control because there's another guy over there.

02:08:20.000 He's kind of far away.

02:08:22.000 And all of a sudden, you lean into it.

02:08:25.000 And you fly up to him like Superman.

02:08:29.000 And now you're this far away.

02:08:32.000 He's got a video camera on his head.

02:08:34.000 I don't know where the tape is.

02:08:35.000 And you're looking at each other.

02:08:37.000 And it's amazing and exciting.

02:08:38.000 And then the thing that was weird about it is then you pull the chute, or the guy on your back pulls the chute, and now you're hanging from ropes.

02:08:46.000 Your chute's open.

02:08:47.000 And you'd think that would be the time where it's...

02:08:49.000 You can relax.

02:08:51.000 But to me, the one time I've done it, talking about parachuting like I know about it, the one time I've done it 18 years ago, that's the scariest moment.

02:09:00.000 Because now, you're sort of...

02:09:02.000 But realizing that the only thing preventing you—and you're looking at your feet.

02:09:07.000 Now you're looking at your feet hanging below you, and you're feeling these ropes.

02:09:10.000 You're holding—and so I'm holding the ropes.

02:09:12.000 I'm going, these ropes, Giff?

02:09:13.000 Like, nothing between me.

02:09:16.000 And it was an amazing experience.

02:09:18.000 Huge adrenaline rush.

02:09:19.000 We'll never do it again.

02:09:20.000 Because now at least I can say I have done it, right?

02:09:23.000 Even though I didn't ever want to have to be able to say that.

02:09:25.000 Now that I have said it, there's no reason to do it again.

02:09:27.000 But— You know, who knows?

02:09:29.000 Maybe I will end up doing it. 0.87

02:09:30.000 You should jump out of an airplane. 0.97

02:09:31.000 You should jump out of an airplane.

02:09:32.000 I can't believe you haven't, actually.

02:09:33.000 I'm surprised you haven't.

02:09:34.000 I think you've got to contact hi, son.

02:09:38.000 There's no reason for that.

02:09:40.000 Yeah, I think you should do it.

02:09:41.000 I think you would dig it.

02:09:43.000 If I lived, yeah.

02:09:44.000 Yeah, you would live.

02:09:44.000 Seems fun.

02:09:45.000 You go with one of those.

02:09:46.000 I'm not into thrills like that.

02:09:49.000 You get your adrenaline from all the other stuff you do.

02:09:50.000 That seems like a strange way to get a thrill.

02:09:53.000 I'm not trying to knock anybody who doesn't, but it's a strange way to get a thrill.

02:09:57.000 Let's pretend we're dying!

02:09:59.000 Oh, psych!

02:10:02.000 We're not dying, but now we're hanging on our way down.

02:10:06.000 Isn't it pretty?

02:10:08.000 Yeah, I get it.

02:10:10.000 I get it.

02:10:10.000 But I don't think I need that in my life.

02:10:13.000 No, you don't.

02:10:14.000 That's what I always said too.

02:10:16.000 It's not necessary.

02:10:17.000 I ended up being, you know, whenever you're going to get in a situation where you end up going out to a parachuting thing with a bunch of people unless, you know, you're in a relationship and the person you're with is going and you go with them because they're going and then all of a sudden you're there and you're going like, 0.99

02:10:34.000 I'm not going to be the chicken shit. 0.98

02:10:38.000 Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do. 1.00

02:10:39.000 Save face.

02:10:40.000 Yeah.

02:10:42.000 Almost die.

02:10:43.000 Yeah.

02:10:44.000 Save face.

02:10:45.000 People do die. 0.99

02:10:46.000 You know what's fucked up about it? 0.98

02:10:47.000 Is that's one of those things that you kind of... 0.91

02:10:50.000 You do it and you think like, oh, I'm gonna be okay.

02:10:52.000 And then one time maybe you're not.

02:10:54.000 And that's all it takes.

02:10:56.000 One of...

02:10:58.000 I think it was, was it Red Band's dad?

02:11:00.000 His friend worked with a lady.

02:11:03.000 Was it a lady? 0.98

02:11:03.000 That was really into skydiving. 0.98

02:11:05.000 She was always trying to get him to do it.

02:11:07.000 And then one day he showed up at work and she wasn't at her desk.

02:11:11.000 And he said, what happened?

02:11:12.000 Oh, she died.

02:11:14.000 Skydiving.

02:11:15.000 Yeah.

02:11:15.000 Died skydiving.

02:11:18.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

02:11:21.000 Fuck all that, dude. 1.00

02:11:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:23.000 I just want to get a thrill! 1.00

02:11:25.000 I'm almost dying!

02:11:25.000 I'm not dying.

02:11:26.000 It's kind of a predictable outcome, right?

02:11:28.000 I'm almost dying!

02:11:28.000 I'm not dying.

02:11:28.000 Yeah, it's like...

02:11:29.000 Could have anticipated that.

02:11:30.000 Yeah, it's enough.

02:11:32.000 Enough.

02:11:33.000 Enough.

02:11:34.000 Enough.

02:11:36.000 It's kind of how I feel about that's why I've been staying home.

02:11:40.000 For the whole world, we need to lock in.

02:11:43.000 This is going to be the honeypot that gets us to enter the virtual reality.

02:11:47.000 This is going to be the honeypot.

02:11:48.000 Do you want to deal with viruses?

02:11:49.000 There's no viruses in this world.

02:11:51.000 Your soul, carry on.

02:11:53.000 You won't even know.

02:11:54.000 What about what Edward Snowden, I believe, I've researched this, but I heard he was saying that this is sort of an attempt to get us to get implanted with, you know, biological testing, have our phones set up more to follow us.

02:12:09.000 Is this, you know, is there any sort of...

02:12:10.000 Any time something...

02:12:12.000 This is a reality of human nature.

02:12:15.000 Incredible interview, by the way, with Snowden.

02:12:16.000 I love that.

02:12:16.000 Thank you.

02:12:17.000 He's a brilliant guy.

02:12:18.000 Anytime there's an opening for people to take advantage of that opening, anytime there's a moment that happens where there's some scrambling, and maybe they can gather up more power, maybe they can gather up more surveillance tools, maybe they can...

02:12:34.000 Make it easier to do things that they'd like to do that have nothing to do, like the Patriot Act.

02:12:39.000 There's a lot of stuff for the Patriot Act that had nothing to do with terrorism.

02:12:43.000 They just decided, let's add some stuff in. 0.99

02:12:45.000 Let's control these motherfuckers. 1.00

02:12:47.000 They always want to control people. 1.00

02:12:48.000 It's hard to control people.

02:12:50.000 And as the population gets bigger and as time moves on, they slowly give in to this idea of controlling people more and more.

02:12:57.000 So they're going to definitely use this.

02:13:00.000 As a way to ensure that they have some sort of extended reach, whether it's some sort of a reach to make sure that you're vaccinated or some sort of a reach to make sure that your antibodies are clear,

02:13:16.000 some sort of a reach to make sure that you're not drinking, are you?

02:13:19.000 Because if you drink, you get your immune system shattered.

02:13:22.000 If your immune system fucks up, what if you get sick and you pass it on to your friends?

02:13:26.000 If you're drinking, you're being a bad citizen. 0.99

02:13:28.000 Who the fuck knows what could happen once someone's tracking whether or not you're healthy? 0.99

02:13:34.000 What are you doing, man? 0.99

02:13:35.000 I see you've only slept seven hours last night.

02:13:39.000 What's that all about, Tom?

02:13:40.000 Seven hours is not a lot of sleeping.

02:13:42.000 Do you not love your neighbors?

02:13:44.000 Do you want to get sick?

02:13:45.000 Now, do you sense, or is there any evidence that that is happening now?

02:13:50.000 That there is, with our phones specifically, to do, you know, the phones tracking?

02:13:54.000 Well, the concept of it is definitely available, right?

02:13:57.000 The concept of it, of contact tracking, is being talked about openly.

02:14:04.000 And then, if a company ensures, if they figured out, like, say if there was a place you go, right?

02:14:10.000 This would be kind of interesting.

02:14:12.000 So say if there's a place you go, Tom Green, you go and they give you a vaccination once the vaccination becomes available.

02:14:18.000 And you know that you now don't have to worry about getting this thing.

02:14:22.000 So we can track all the people that have been vaccinated as long as you sign up for the app and all the people not be vaccinated, you see them.

02:14:29.000 You see them on the app.

02:14:30.000 Oh my God. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Well, before we step in this mall, let's see what kind of shitty fucking citizens there are that haven't been vaccinated. 1.00

02:14:36.000 Or maybe you're not allowed in the mall. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Yeah.

02:14:38.000 And you'll be able to find them on a map and it'll get real weird.

02:14:41.000 Yeah.

02:14:42.000 It's like, it's another step, a really quick step, in dragging us into the machine.

02:14:47.000 And to take away, you know, the nuances of just human life that we're accustomed to.

02:14:54.000 And it become more and more digitized and organized.

02:15:00.000 People need freedom, man.

02:15:02.000 And you don't have the freedom to just be somewhere without the government knowing that you're there.

02:15:07.000 Like, if you haven't committed any crime, you're not a criminal.

02:15:10.000 And if they could just monitor you and you've never committed any crime, that is a weird place.

02:15:16.000 It's weird.

02:15:16.000 Things are getting weird.

02:15:18.000 You're supposed to be following criminals only.

02:15:22.000 And I know it makes it easier for you to follow criminals if you could follow everybody, but you are changing what everybody is.

02:15:28.000 You're changing what people are if you follow them all the time everywhere they go. 0.98

02:15:32.000 If you listen to everything that they ever say through the microphone on their fucking phone, you're changing what they are. 0.99

02:15:38.000 And you're making them scared. 0.99

02:15:39.000 And everybody knows it.

02:15:40.000 And no one wants to admit it.

02:15:41.000 You're making people scared.

02:15:43.000 And people do things because they don't want censorship.

02:15:45.000 They don't want to be censored.

02:15:47.000 They don't want to be yelled at.

02:15:48.000 They self-censor.

02:15:49.000 They don't want to be not in compliance.

02:15:51.000 It changes their behavior.

02:15:53.000 We all know that.

02:15:54.000 We all know that.

02:15:54.000 It's dangerous to creativity.

02:15:56.000 It's dangerous to authenticity.

02:15:58.000 It's dangerous to so many things.

02:16:01.000 It's not a good way to be as a person.

02:16:03.000 Like, looking over your shoulder, people are watching you all the time.

02:16:06.000 It's too aware.

02:16:07.000 It's just too weird.

02:16:09.000 It's too weird to force the whole...

02:16:11.000 And then who's got control of that?

02:16:13.000 The government?

02:16:14.000 Like, what?

02:16:14.000 Some people that got elected to a position, the only ones that get to look in on everybody?

02:16:19.000 Well, and then what if that opens up?

02:16:20.000 We said, no, everybody can look in on everybody. 1.00

02:16:22.000 Fuck it. 0.99

02:16:23.000 The Information Act, we just got to give in to the inevitable. 1.00

02:16:26.000 Tom, I'm going to watch you shit. 1.00

02:16:27.000 I'm going to watch you shit from your toaster. 1.00

02:16:28.000 Because your toaster, your electric toothbrush that knows whether or not you have cavities is listening in while you shit. 1.00

02:16:35.000 Not a pretty sight. 1.00

02:16:36.000 Yeah, man.

02:16:37.000 It's not going to be pretty.

02:16:38.000 But it's almost like we're taking a step closer and closer towards the digital world with this.

02:16:44.000 And that's I'm not a conspiracy theorist in the sense that I don't think that robots are out to get us.

02:16:50.000 I don't think that the electronic world is looking to consume us.

02:16:54.000 But I am concerned with some steps that we could take that make our life more digital to take away too much of what it means to be a person.

02:17:02.000 Some of what it means to be a person is like fun.

02:17:06.000 There's fun in the weirdness of the world.

02:17:08.000 There's fun in the danger of the world. 0.99

02:17:10.000 You take away all that shit with apps and alerts and like, I can't go down that street. 0.98

02:17:17.000 There's a guy down that street that was arrested at one point in time. 1.00

02:17:20.000 Shit. 1.00

02:17:21.000 What are we going to do? 1.00

02:17:22.000 We're going to lose out all the mystery of life for safety?

02:17:27.000 And then we become what?

02:17:28.000 What do we become? 0.98

02:17:29.000 These unromantic, boring, bullshit, digital things that are locked into pleasure sources, things that pump them pleasure because they've taken the place, you know? 0.98

02:17:40.000 I mean, really? 0.98

02:17:41.000 If they could do that, if they could get to a point where you wear an implant, it just keeps your dopamine levels up at a very high, high note.

02:17:49.000 You get augmented reality glasses where everybody's hot.

02:17:52.000 That'd be pretty cool.

02:17:54.000 It might be.

02:17:57.000 It might be better than not, right?

02:17:58.000 That's the problem.

02:17:59.000 It might be better if they lie to you.

02:18:01.000 Like The Matrix.

02:18:01.000 Remember when the one dude was giving in to The Matrix and he's like, look, I just want to be an important person.

02:18:06.000 I want to be like an actor or something.

02:18:08.000 Remember he was writing?

02:18:09.000 He wanted to taste steak again.

02:18:11.000 Yeah, he was eating steak, right?

02:18:12.000 Yeah.

02:18:14.000 Maybe.

02:18:14.000 Maybe he's right.

02:18:15.000 Yeah.

02:18:17.000 It's cool just to sit here and...

02:18:19.000 I mean, I'm just...

02:18:21.000 Thanks for having me.

02:18:22.000 Thanks for being here, dude.

02:18:23.000 And thanks for doing that original thing in your house.

02:18:26.000 Yeah.

02:18:27.000 If you didn't do that, I'm telling you, man.

02:18:28.000 Me and Red Band, we were in your house.

02:18:30.000 I was like, this is...

02:18:31.000 We need to figure out how to do this.

02:18:33.000 Yeah.

02:18:34.000 I even talked to those guys, the Denver people.

02:18:37.000 I talked to them at one point in time.

02:18:39.000 Yeah.

02:18:39.000 But I just didn't...

02:18:40.000 I was in the middle of doing a bunch of different shit back then. 0.95

02:18:42.000 That was right before I moved to Colorado, too. 0.95

02:18:44.000 And I was like...

02:18:45.000 I don't know if I'm even gonna stay here.

02:18:47.000 I don't know what I'm doing.

02:18:48.000 And then I was like, I don't know if I want to do that, spend all my time doing that. 0.98

02:18:52.000 I want to concentrate on the shit I'm already doing. 0.94

02:18:53.000 But then as time went on, I just kept thinking about that and I kept thinking about Doing it with nobody. 0.98

02:19:03.000 I kept thinking about this for money.

02:19:05.000 Just do it.

02:19:06.000 Let's just do this for fun.

02:19:08.000 You know, if I did it with some company or some...

02:19:11.000 It's like, yeah, you could do it with Sirius or some company.

02:19:15.000 Better to just do it.

02:19:16.000 Just do it.

02:19:17.000 Just to figure out.

02:19:18.000 And then slowly...

02:19:19.000 That was the secret spice right there.

02:19:22.000 That's where you figured it out, right there.

02:19:24.000 Because people see that, right?

02:19:27.000 They can tell.

02:19:28.000 Well, it's all documented.

02:19:30.000 Go back and watch the horrible early ones.

02:19:32.000 They're all available.

02:19:35.000 But that's...

02:19:36.000 No, but...

02:19:36.000 Because of you, though.

02:19:37.000 You could probably second-guess them, but no.

02:19:40.000 You here had this incredible energy, and you're doing your thing, and people loved it.

02:19:44.000 Even the early ones, I prefer people go back and watch the early ones.

02:19:47.000 They're terrible.

02:19:47.000 Stay away from them.

02:19:49.000 We didn't know what we were doing.

02:19:50.000 But it's also like everything else.

02:19:52.000 The more you do it, the better you get at it.

02:19:54.000 But because of your risk-taking, because you were the guy that was willing to set up this crazy setup in your house, and because I knew you, and I'm over your place, and I'm like, wow!

02:20:04.000 You really went deep.

02:20:06.000 I remember being around your house going, Tom Green, what have you done?

02:20:10.000 And I was thinking, this might be it.

02:20:12.000 He might be on to something.

02:20:15.000 This might be the move.

02:20:16.000 Just do it all yourself.

02:20:19.000 It's very kind of you to say.

02:20:20.000 It's true, man.

02:20:21.000 It's true.

02:20:22.000 It's you, Anthony Cumia, Opie and Anthony, Howard Stern for sure, the original one.

02:20:28.000 It's all, everybody feeds off everybody else in this thing.

02:20:31.000 I grew up loving David Letterman.

02:20:33.000 David Letterman.

02:20:35.000 When I saw him go out on the street with a megaphone and yelling out of his office at people, I was like, oh, I want to do that.

02:20:43.000 I want to get a megaphone.

02:20:44.000 And I would go stand on the roof of buildings in my hometown with a video camera and yell at people with a megaphone.

02:20:49.000 Dude, Letterman had one of the best styles ever of hosting a talk show because he could talk to people that were talking to him about nonsense. 0.99

02:21:01.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:21:02.000 What the fuck about? 0.99

02:21:03.000 And he would have the same enthusiasm as if he was talking to Al Pacino about some Academy Award winning movie he was in. 0.99

02:21:12.000 Some rock star like Mick Jagger sat down there.

02:21:15.000 He would talk to him with the same love.

02:21:16.000 He had a style like Dave Letterman had of like, he's in on the joke style of talking.

02:21:23.000 That was my first experience with seeing something that was kind of like anti-television.

02:21:27.000 Yes!

02:21:28.000 He's more sophisticated.

02:21:30.000 He's making fun of television while he's making television. 0.97

02:21:33.000 I dated this girl when I was 25, and she fucking hated The Tonight Show but loved David Letterman. 0.92

02:21:42.000 And I'm like, why? 0.97

02:21:43.000 I go, why is it? 0.94

02:21:44.000 And she goes, because I don't want you to bullshit me. 0.91

02:21:48.000 She goes, I know he's in on it. 0.97

02:21:52.000 David Letterman's in on it. 0.96

02:21:54.000 The other ones are just bullshitting you. 0.89

02:21:55.000 I was like, oh...

02:21:58.000 It was the first time I ever saw somebody kind of goofing on the network, taking the fruit basket over to the security guard at GE, messing with them, getting in trouble.

02:22:10.000 His boss was like, are you biting the hand that feeds you here?

02:22:13.000 But the risk that he took to do that was real.

02:22:16.000 You never saw that on TV before.

02:22:17.000 And he was the guy who broke Jay Leno.

02:22:19.000 He brought Jay Leno out to the people.

02:22:22.000 Jay Leno At one point in time was the edgy comic.

02:22:27.000 Oh, yeah.

02:22:27.000 He was the guy in the 1970s.

02:22:30.000 Yeah.

02:22:31.000 Everybody says it.

02:22:33.000 Everybody who was alive back then said he was the sharpest comic working.

02:22:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:22:37.000 And he got on Letterman and would go on Letterman with his jet black hair and like this sardonic wit and like sharp punch lines and he was the fucking man back then. 0.99

02:22:48.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:22:49.000 Yeah.

02:22:50.000 It's kind of crazy.

02:22:51.000 You know where he's at his best?

02:22:53.000 For sure is his car show.

02:22:56.000 Oh yeah.

02:22:57.000 For sure.

02:22:57.000 I love that show.

02:22:58.000 He's himself.

02:23:00.000 Again, it goes back to what we were talking about earlier.

02:23:02.000 He's authentic.

02:23:03.000 What Jay Leno really is, is a guy who loves cars.

02:23:07.000 There's no joke in that, man.

02:23:08.000 He doesn't have to pretend. 0.99

02:23:09.000 He doesn't give a fuck if you have like a dune buggy you made out of a VW, or if you have some crazy souped-up Corvette, if you have some crazy NSX from 1994. He loves cars. 0.98

02:23:21.000 He loves them.

02:23:22.000 Like, I've been around the guy.

02:23:23.000 First of all, he has like 11 warehouses full of cars.

02:23:27.000 I watched your episode with him, actually, on his show.

02:23:29.000 That place is bananas, man.

02:23:31.000 It's bananas.

02:23:32.000 He just has car after car after car.

02:23:35.000 How many cars do you have?

02:23:35.000 A couple hundred cars or something?

02:23:37.000 I have no idea.

02:23:37.000 Hundreds of cars.

02:23:38.000 He has 11 buildings filled with cars.

02:23:40.000 11 buildings?

02:23:40.000 Yeah.

02:23:41.000 Some of them are worth a million dollars.

02:23:42.000 Say, what was a million dollars laying around?

02:23:45.000 Dude, it's crazy.

02:23:46.000 He's got steam-powered cars.

02:23:49.000 And you see him driving.

02:23:50.000 He's living in LA, right?

02:23:51.000 Oh, yeah.

02:23:51.000 He drives them.

02:23:52.000 There's Jay going by on a steam-powered car.

02:23:55.000 Dude, if you live in Burbank, people look forward to that. 1.00

02:23:57.000 He'll drive by on a fucking tractor. 0.99

02:23:59.000 He takes cars that aren't even supposed to be on the road. 1.00

02:24:01.000 A tractor.

02:24:01.000 I'm not kidding.

02:24:02.000 Yeah. 0.95

02:24:02.000 I know, but it's just ridiculous. 0.95

02:24:06.000 He has this old school one with metal wheels and he had rubber put on it so he could take it on the road.

02:24:12.000 Is he doing it to be funny though, like I'm on a tractor right now, or does he just think the tractor's cool?

02:24:16.000 Is there an element – I'm just – I don't know.

02:24:18.000 I don't know if we would know the answer to that.

02:24:20.000 We would be a reductionist to either state one way or the other.

02:24:24.000 Who could have been driving that thing?

02:24:25.000 It's just got to be so much fun for him to be driving around in that.

02:24:28.000 No, it really is legitimately fun for him.

02:24:30.000 One of the things that I said when I was talking to him when he and I were driving around Was like, hey man, you're really you when you're doing this. 0.99

02:24:39.000 It's so much better than doing The Tonight Show and having to pretend that you give a fuck about some teeny bopper's new, his new fucking top 40 hit. 0.99

02:24:48.000 And you gotta go, wow, that's amazing! 1.00

02:24:51.000 Like, you don't give a fuck about that. 0.99

02:24:52.000 You care about 65 Corvettes. 0.99

02:24:55.000 You know, Jay Leno's around a 65 Corvette.

02:24:57.000 You see him like, oh, the lines.

02:24:59.000 And you see him looking at the steering wheel and the seats. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Like, that fucking guy loves cars, man. 1.00

02:25:04.000 He loves them. 1.00

02:25:06.000 To his bones.

02:25:07.000 He loves them.

02:25:08.000 He loves, oh, that's the one with the 454, the 70 Chevelle SS. He gets into the gritty details of it.

02:25:16.000 And I remember thinking, man, it was too bad that you ever did The Tonight Show.

02:25:20.000 Should have just done this.

02:25:21.000 If somebody had figured out in 1970, whatever, that this is what Jay Leno is best at, oh my god!

02:25:28.000 Who would have been the greatest car man, not that he isn't right now, but the greatest car celebrity that's ever lived in terms of a car guy on television?

02:25:38.000 Because it's authentic.

02:25:39.000 Because he really does love it.

02:25:41.000 And he's funny.

02:25:42.000 When he does that show, that car show, Jay Leno's Garage, he's so loose.

02:25:46.000 He's like, it's just himself.

02:25:48.000 Yeah, I've watched a lot of those shows.

02:25:50.000 I love that show.

02:25:51.000 Yeah, he loves it.

02:25:53.000 He loves it.

02:25:54.000 It's real.

02:25:54.000 And you hear stories all the time about...

02:25:57.000 Oh yeah, my car broke.

02:25:58.000 Someone in LA, this was last week, it happened again.

02:26:01.000 Someone's car broke down.

02:26:02.000 Oh, Jay Leno pulls over with his wife.

02:26:04.000 Gets out.

02:26:04.000 Let me fix that.

02:26:05.000 I was kidding.

02:26:06.000 Let me fix that for you and then we'll get you back on the road, you know?

02:26:08.000 Gold-plated wrenches in his backseat.

02:26:11.000 You know, you could literally break down in LA and Jay will pull over and fix your car and then take off in his tractor.

02:26:16.000 Yeah, he probably likes it.

02:26:20.000 Yeah, he loves cars, man.

02:26:22.000 Like legitimately.

02:26:22.000 He has guys that work in his garages.

02:26:25.000 He has fabricators, right? 0.99

02:26:27.000 So these guys are going to fix fenders and shit. 0.99

02:26:30.000 Put new quarter panels on a car. 0.98

02:26:33.000 He can do everything.

02:26:34.000 It's nuts.

02:26:35.000 The guy loves them, loves them.

02:26:37.000 And he's got everything, man. 0.99

02:26:39.000 Mopars and old fucking Maseratis and just Jesus. 0.99

02:26:43.000 So you know a lot about cars. 1.00

02:26:45.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:26:46.000 I know some about cars.

02:26:48.000 But compared to his average guest that he has on the show...

02:26:53.000 Probably was fun when you went in there.

02:26:54.000 Yes.

02:26:55.000 He loves the fact that I'm an actual car nut.

02:26:58.000 I'm a car nut, that's a fact, but I'm not good.

02:27:01.000 I don't understand what's going on.

02:27:03.000 The full-on details.

02:27:04.000 Yeah, I'm not turning any wrenches.

02:27:05.000 I know what drives good.

02:27:07.000 You've got a problem with your solenoid switch or something like that.

02:27:09.000 I don't know any of that.

02:27:10.000 I know what drives good.

02:27:11.000 I know what drives good.

02:27:12.000 I like to drive.

02:27:13.000 I like cars that make you feel like you're driving them, too.

02:27:16.000 But then again, I like Tesla, too.

02:27:18.000 Tesla's doing all the work.

02:27:20.000 Have you ever driven a Tesla before?

02:27:24.000 I drove, I don't know if I should, I guess I could say this, I drove Harland Williams' Tesla.

02:27:29.000 First of all, when we were talking before about Theo, Theo Vaughn, he has this language of comedy, it's uniquely his own.

02:27:35.000 Like Theo just has stuff, you see it written on paper, you're like, what?

02:27:37.000 That's funny?

02:27:38.000 And then you see him say it on stage and you can't even breathe.

02:27:40.000 You're dying, right?

02:27:41.000 Harland Williams, yeah.

02:27:42.000 Harland Williams, a perfect example of that.

02:27:45.000 Hey there, Flapjack, what do you say, buttermilk biscuit? 1.00

02:27:49.000 Say some shit. 1.00

02:27:50.000 You're like, what are you talking about? 1.00

02:27:52.000 But you're crying laughing.

02:27:54.000 And so Harland is one of my best friends in the world.

02:27:57.000 I love that dude.

02:27:58.000 And it's surreal to me that we've become so close friends because, like I was saying earlier, when I was a kid, I was his biggest fan.

02:28:06.000 I actually told him this the other day.

02:28:08.000 I was telling him.

02:28:09.000 And I've told him this probably story ten times.

02:28:11.000 Were you alone?

02:28:12.000 We were just talking on the phone.

02:28:14.000 Did you have your clothes on?

02:28:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:28:21.000 I did.

02:28:22.000 He called in my podcast.

02:28:24.000 I'm sitting in my house by myself.

02:28:25.000 I was interviewing my friend, but I was telling him stories like this one I'm about to tell you right now.

02:28:32.000 And when I was a kid, I would go down when he would come to Yuck Yucks.

02:28:36.000 And at the time...

02:28:38.000 And this is probably not exactly a fully accurate statement, but for whatever reason at the time it seemed like there wasn't a lot of that kind of weird, like, breaking the whole mold of comedy comedy.

02:28:50.000 There was stand-up, and then he was the one stand-up that was...

02:28:55.000 Really surreal, really strange and silly. 0.88

02:28:58.000 And so at the time, it really popped out for me as a goofy kid. 0.80

02:29:02.000 It was kind of a weird kid.

02:29:03.000 What year are we talking about?

02:29:05.000 88, 89. Oh, wow.

02:29:08.000 That's before I met him.

02:29:09.000 Yeah, back in...

02:29:10.000 He hadn't come to the States yet.

02:29:12.000 And then I remember...

02:29:14.000 So he was like that from the jump, huh?

02:29:17.000 Yeah, so he was headlining in Canada.

02:29:19.000 He's from Toronto.

02:29:19.000 I'm from Ottawa.

02:29:20.000 I didn't know him.

02:29:21.000 When I was 15 years old, I was doing the amateur night.

02:29:26.000 He was my favorite.

02:29:27.000 He'd come into town.

02:29:29.000 And I remember one day, I went up to him at the bar at the comedy club.

02:29:34.000 15 years old.

02:29:35.000 For some reason, they let us in.

02:29:36.000 I went up to the bar with my friend Phil.

02:29:39.000 And we went up to him and I said, Mr. Williams, would it be okay if tomorrow we took you out for a submarine sandwich?

02:29:51.000 And he's like, well, that sounds good to me.

02:29:53.000 And the next day, Saturday, we went out in Ottawa, took him out for a submarine sandwich, and he was drinking his Coke like, thanks for the submarine sandwich there, fella!

02:30:04.000 So he was being himself in character.

02:30:06.000 Yeah, he was great.

02:30:07.000 I mean, he was just great.

02:30:09.000 Yeah, and it was until years later where I actually got to know him, where he's not always like...

02:30:16.000 Hey, Jerry!

02:30:18.000 So it was incredible to get to know him.

02:30:21.000 He's always been a friendly guy, as long as I've known him.

02:30:25.000 I met Harlan, I think, in 94. And I'm like, what a friendly guy.

02:30:30.000 My thought of him has always been the same.

02:30:32.000 What a friendly guy.

02:30:33.000 Just always friendly.

02:30:34.000 Every time I see him, I hug him.

02:30:35.000 I'm always excited to see him.

02:30:37.000 He's always a nice guy.

02:30:38.000 He was one of those initial things, though, in my mind, where I saw somebody saying, I'm gonna do something that nobody else is doing, and I'm gonna be.

02:30:49.000 Amazing at it.

02:30:50.000 Well, you know what he figured out?

02:30:51.000 He figured out how to be just, he's weird.

02:30:55.000 I don't want to say unique, but yeah.

02:30:57.000 But he's got a weird sense of humor.

02:30:59.000 But he's also really nice.

02:31:01.000 So like that weird sense of humor is intoxicating.

02:31:03.000 It draws you in like a siren to the rocks.

02:31:06.000 And he just starts talking his nonsense and you just get sucked into the trance.

02:31:12.000 He just figured out That, like we were talking about before, there's no right way to do it.

02:31:18.000 There's no right way to do stand-up.

02:31:19.000 This is the right way for you, and maybe you're an interesting person.

02:31:23.000 People vary so much, man.

02:31:26.000 It's all in, like, can they figure out how to make their own unique weirdness come through and make jokes out of it?

02:31:36.000 Some guys like Harlan figured it out perfectly where if you wrote it down It's like you want to steal Harlan Williams act you'd be fucked You would never be able to do it, right? 0.74

02:31:49.000 Like Theo Vaughn's too. 0.88

02:31:50.000 There's no way No one's doing that.

02:31:53.000 No one you have to be that guy, right?

02:31:57.000 Yeah, he's he's figured out how to make his own unique mannerisms hilarious top-flight comedy I love him.

02:32:06.000 Listen, here's a guy who's one of the most creative people I know.

02:32:10.000 You're obviously one of them.

02:32:12.000 We're lucky to get to know a lot of people that are top of their field.

02:32:17.000 Harlan's created a show called Puppy Dog Pals.

02:32:21.000 It's now going into a fourth season on Disney.

02:32:23.000 An animated show for kids.

02:32:25.000 It sounds like him.

02:32:26.000 He created this whole show.

02:32:28.000 Taking that energy and putting it into...

02:32:33.000 Your art without compromise, which is what he has always done, which is what you've done.

02:32:39.000 And it's pretty cool.

02:32:40.000 I love the guy.

02:32:42.000 I love him.

02:32:42.000 What's one of the cool things about living in a place like L.A. is that there's a lot of people like you and Harlan and, you know, we can keep going, fill in the blanks, Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell and all these fascinating people.

02:32:56.000 Duncan Trussell, fellow testicular cancer survivor.

02:32:58.000 Yeah, there you go.

02:33:00.000 So many folks.

02:33:01.000 I mean, we're real lucky.

02:33:02.000 Tom Segura, Owen Smith, Bert Kreischer.

02:33:04.000 Keep going down the line.

02:33:06.000 Joey Diaz.

02:33:07.000 We live in an amazing spot.

02:33:08.000 There's so many...

02:33:09.000 Bill Burr, Santino, Tony Hinchcliffe.

02:33:12.000 There's so many interesting people here.

02:33:14.000 It's a good spot as far as that, but we're all spread out. 0.98

02:33:18.000 What we need to do is buy up a fucking plot of land and put a fence around it called Comedy Town. 0.98

02:33:24.000 No, like Hidden Hills. 1.00

02:33:25.000 It'd be a fucked up town. 0.99

02:33:26.000 We need a gated community for comedians. 0.99

02:33:28.000 Yeah.

02:33:28.000 Call it comedy town.

02:33:29.000 You'd get pretty fucked up in there, I bet. 0.99

02:33:30.000 It'd be fun. 1.00

02:33:32.000 We'd be able to hang out with each other and grow tomatoes and shit. 0.99

02:33:35.000 So you love it? 0.99

02:33:35.000 You love LA? You think you'll live in LA for the rest of your life? 0.99

02:33:38.000 No.

02:33:38.000 No, I'm thinking about getting out now.

02:33:41.000 I heard you mention that.

02:33:42.000 I'm watching people drive, man.

02:33:45.000 Listen, there's a lot of people that are under incredible pressure right now, financially.

02:33:50.000 When people are under pressure, that's when they act the most erratic.

02:33:53.000 I was watching this guy yesterday.

02:33:54.000 He cut in front of me, and then he cut into the left lane, and he passed in the oncoming, and then he cut in front of the people in front of him, and I was like, what, buddy?

02:34:05.000 What?

02:34:06.000 Did someone... 0.98

02:34:06.000 Was there somewhere you would go where there's not fucked up drivers, though? 0.98

02:34:09.000 No, but this is my thought, is that we are in a position right now where people are under extreme stress. 0.95

02:34:16.000 And I'm starting to see it a little bit on the road.

02:34:18.000 I'm like, what is it going to be like when everything opens back up again?

02:34:21.000 Is this going to be the best spot?

02:34:23.000 Or is the best spot going to be like a little slightly less populated?

02:34:26.000 We can look up, hold back.

02:34:28.000 So where would he go? 1.00

02:34:29.000 Let's watch this motherfucker from a distance. 1.00

02:34:31.000 And you see in a distance, you see... 1.00

02:34:35.000 You see firebombs and shit. 0.99

02:34:37.000 You're like, I knew it. 0.99

02:34:38.000 I knew people were getting sketchy.

02:34:40.000 I knew San Diego was the spot.

02:34:42.000 I don't know.

02:34:42.000 I don't know what the spot is.

02:34:44.000 Up in the mountains of Colorado.

02:34:46.000 I think San Diego's a good spot because it's a city, but it's not as big a city.

02:34:50.000 It's big enough, though.

02:34:51.000 So it's not hick, right?

02:34:54.000 Right. 0.97

02:34:55.000 Sophisticated, but it's not too ridiculous. 0.79

02:34:56.000 But you wouldn't miss getting up at the comedy store every night? 0.93

02:34:59.000 What if there's a bomb?

02:35:00.000 What if there's an earthquake?

02:35:01.000 What if the volcano goes off?

02:35:04.000 What if an asteroid impact hits?

02:35:06.000 Going down to the center of the stand-up universe and having that outlet every night whenever you want?

02:35:13.000 You wouldn't have that anywhere else?

02:35:14.000 I had it, and I didn't have it, and I had it again for the Comedy Store.

02:35:18.000 I had it from 93 to 2007, then I didn't have it from 2007 to 2014, then I had it from 2014 to today, and I'm better off with it, especially the version of the Comedy Store that exists now.

02:35:31.000 We are all better off for it.

02:35:33.000 It's an amazing place right now, and I'm committed to keeping it amazing and doing whatever I can to get it back to financial health and whatever we can do to get everything rolling.

02:35:44.000 I think if we had to get out of LA for some strange reason, as long as the Comedy Store exists for the comedians that are here, I'm good.

02:35:52.000 I think there's a way to not be right here.

02:35:56.000 I just think that right here is so crowded.

02:36:01.000 There's good and bad to that.

02:36:03.000 You can still come back for a couple months, rent a house, stay there, do a stand-up at the store, go back to your...

02:36:10.000 The move is to get a nice apartment here, where you come back occasionally.

02:36:17.000 But watch this beast from the outside, and play musical chairs.

02:36:22.000 Hopefully you don't get stuck here where the music shuts off.

02:36:29.000 Yeah, I think about a lot because I'm from Canada.

02:36:31.000 Do you think about going back?

02:36:32.000 I do a lot. 1.00

02:36:33.000 Toronto's the shit. 1.00

02:36:34.000 Yeah, I love Toronto. 1.00

02:36:36.000 Where would you go?

02:36:37.000 I'd go back to Ottawa just to meet my parents, my brother, and I have old friends there.

02:36:43.000 Do they still have AXS TV back then?

02:36:45.000 Back there, rather?

02:36:47.000 Did you do cable access shows right now?

02:36:48.000 I could go back to the public access station.

02:36:50.000 Can you imagine if you did that?

02:36:51.000 I've thought about it.

02:36:52.000 But do you imagine how people would freak out?

02:36:54.000 Same studio.

02:36:55.000 You would get a story on Digg, for sure.

02:36:57.000 Digg.com, it'd be like...

02:36:58.000 That'd be good.

02:37:00.000 Tom Green goes back to cable access place where he first started.

02:37:03.000 I would love that, yeah.

02:37:04.000 Can you imagine if you did that?

02:37:05.000 Yeah.

02:37:06.000 How people would go nuts for that?

02:37:08.000 It's interesting because it's like now – we've got the internet now.

02:37:12.000 So it's sort of interesting that public access is different now, right?

02:37:16.000 Because back then you had to kind of talk your way into getting in there.

02:37:21.000 You wouldn't – you couldn't just get a show.

02:37:22.000 So you had to kind of talk your way into getting in there.

02:37:25.000 And then once you got in there, it was – nobody was watching.

02:37:27.000 But if you did something weird enough or whatever, people would sort of hear about it.

02:37:31.000 We used to send our tapes down to Manhattan Neighborhood Network in New York.

02:37:37.000 And, you know, people would hear about it, but it was not like the internet, you know, now.

02:37:42.000 It's almost hard to imagine why anybody would need to do that.

02:37:46.000 When I was an open-miker in Boston, we did some cable access shows.

02:37:49.000 Same thing, I think, as your public access TV thing in Canada.

02:37:52.000 They had cable access shows, and I think there was some sort of a rule that if you had a cable channel, you had to leave a certain amount of hours open For people to just, like, regular people to just sign up and do things.

02:38:05.000 So me and a few other comics, we put together these terrible sketches.

02:38:11.000 I'm sure they were amazing.

02:38:12.000 They were terrible.

02:38:13.000 We were, you know, we're 21 years old.

02:38:16.000 And they went up on cable access.

02:38:18.000 And I remember one of them...

02:38:20.000 You have those?

02:38:21.000 No.

02:38:22.000 No?

02:38:22.000 I don't know who would have them.

02:38:26.000 It's not a tape somewhere, right?

02:38:27.000 1988, maybe.

02:38:28.000 You don't have the tape?

02:38:29.000 No, I don't have it.

02:38:29.000 I have every tape.

02:38:30.000 Really?

02:38:31.000 Yeah, I let things go.

02:38:33.000 I keep moving.

02:38:34.000 Yeah, that's interesting.

02:38:35.000 I got no time.

02:38:35.000 Keep moving!

02:38:36.000 Keep moving, bitch! 1.00

02:38:38.000 But I remember thinking while I was there with my fucking moron comic friends were just silly bitches doing this stupid show. 1.00

02:38:47.000 I'm like, who the fuck let us do this? 1.00

02:38:49.000 I remember I was wearing a dress. 0.99

02:38:51.000 Something about some dating show.

02:38:52.000 Oh, that's why you lost the tape.

02:38:54.000 No, no, no.

02:38:55.000 It's purpose.

02:38:55.000 You burned it somewhere, right?

02:38:57.000 I had a dress on and a wig.

02:39:01.000 And I was, I think I was the, it was like a blind dating show or something.

02:39:08.000 Well, you gotta find it. 1.00

02:39:08.000 So stupid. 1.00

02:39:10.000 But it was just like, it was not funny. 1.00

02:39:12.000 But I was thinking like how weird it is that they let you just do this.

02:39:16.000 Sounds pretty funny.

02:39:17.000 Yeah, but better in this like me telling it than actually seeing how bad it really was.

02:39:24.000 There's nothing clunky and shitty.

02:39:26.000 There can be nothing bad about that.

02:39:27.000 Yeah, it wasn't good, dude.

02:39:29.000 But this is YouTube now.

02:39:31.000 YouTube has taken that and no one saw it coming.

02:39:34.000 That's what's so interesting.

02:39:35.000 No one saw a thing where anybody can sign up, anybody can create an account, anybody can upload a video.

02:39:41.000 Nobody saw that being this thing that would ultimately...

02:39:45.000 The amount of eyes...

02:39:47.000 Jamie, you would know this more than anybody.

02:39:49.000 What are the amount of eyes that are watching YouTube every day?

02:39:52.000 What's the total number of human beings that are watching YouTube every day?

02:39:57.000 Let's take a guess, Tom Green.

02:39:59.000 Take a guess.

02:40:00.000 Number of eyes watching YouTube every day?

02:40:01.000 Yeah, a number of individual humans.

02:40:03.000 Take a guess.

02:40:04.000 Yeah, I'm trying to think.

02:40:06.000 Individual humans or individual views?

02:40:08.000 Because someone watched something ten times, does that count as ten?

02:40:10.000 No, no, no.

02:40:10.000 I mean individual humans.

02:40:12.000 I want the individual humans.

02:40:14.000 So if it was one billion, that would be like one in eight people, which seems like a lot, but it also seems like a number that you would imagine them saying it would be.

02:40:22.000 How many views do you think it would be a day?

02:40:25.000 That might be simpler.

02:40:26.000 How many views a day does YouTube get?

02:40:29.000 It's funny because I don't know, but I'm going to imagine, let's see, is there 8 billion people in the world?

02:40:33.000 7 point something billion?

02:40:34.000 Something, yeah.

02:40:35.000 Something more than 7. So if it was a billion a day, that would be crazy.

02:40:38.000 Does that mean like one in eight people watched a YouTube video a day or one guy watched a million?

02:40:42.000 That doesn't seem unrealistic.

02:40:43.000 That doesn't seem unrealistic.

02:40:44.000 It might be a billion.

02:40:46.000 I'm going to just guess that because it's a round number.

02:40:48.000 It's a good number.

02:40:48.000 Yeah.

02:40:49.000 Alright, I'm going to go with 700 million.

02:40:51.000 Is this like Price is Right?

02:40:52.000 Yes.

02:40:53.000 Exactly, Price is Right.

02:40:55.000 So if it's one billion and one, then I win, right?

02:40:57.000 Yeah.

02:40:57.000 Well, I wanted to give us some distance.

02:40:59.000 But if I go over, okay.

02:41:00.000 Price is Right rules.

02:41:01.000 Price is Right rules.

02:41:02.000 Okay, what is it?

02:41:03.000 As of September last year, daily active users is 30 million, but monthly active users is 2 billion.

02:41:13.000 So there are a larger number of people that use it every day versus people that tap in once a month or so.

02:41:19.000 So daily is only 30 million, but that's people that are using it every single day.

02:41:23.000 How many views, though?

02:41:25.000 How many views?

02:41:26.000 Maybe we were playing a different game.

02:41:27.000 I was playing views.

02:41:28.000 No, we were playing views.

02:41:29.000 The number of videos watched per day is 5 billion.

02:41:32.000 I don't know if they can do that.

02:41:33.000 Oh! 0.60

02:41:33.000 Price is right rules! 0.60

02:41:37.000 Five billion a day!

02:41:38.000 So that means there's one guy just watching a billion a day.

02:41:42.000 How's that even possible?

02:41:44.000 There's eight billion people.

02:41:45.000 How's that possible?

02:41:46.000 It's crazy.

02:41:47.000 Well, that's how many people are watching.

02:41:49.000 How many people, how many videos, individual people are watching.

02:41:52.000 What do you think the number of videos, the average number of videos a person watches per day on YouTube?

02:41:59.000 You say four?

02:42:00.000 The average number.

02:42:01.000 Yeah, the average number.

02:42:02.000 How many do you think you would watch?

02:42:04.000 Average...

02:42:06.000 I probably watch five or ten a day, so I'm not even close to that.

02:42:10.000 I might watch two or three a day.

02:42:12.000 I don't watch a lot of YouTube.

02:42:15.000 I watch professional pool.

02:42:17.000 It's a good place to watch it on YouTube.

02:42:19.000 Way better than anywhere else.

02:42:21.000 It's hard to watch pool on TV. It doesn't really exist anymore.

02:42:24.000 Yeah. 0.71

02:42:24.000 But you're watching on YouTube, there's fucking thousands of videos with hundreds of thousands, millions of views. 0.71

02:42:31.000 I use it for tips with Pro Tools. 0.88

02:42:33.000 Ah, that's good.

02:42:33.000 I can't figure out how to do something, so then I go, how do you, you know?

02:42:36.000 Dude, for martial arts, it's one of the greatest resources ever.

02:42:39.000 There's so many people giving instructionals on how to throw certain kicks or how to cinch up certain submissions.

02:42:44.000 Like, jujitsu alone is accelerated in giant leaps and bounds because of the internet.

02:42:51.000 Skateboarding, too.

02:42:51.000 Oh, I'm sure.

02:42:52.000 I'm sure.

02:42:54.000 I grew up skateboarding.

02:42:55.000 Thrasher magazine.

02:42:57.000 Once a week, a magazine would come out and you could see a still shot of a guy doing a trick.

02:43:01.000 You'd have to imagine what it was.

02:43:02.000 Now kids are watching.

02:43:04.000 Over and over again.

02:43:06.000 They're being repeated and they're seeing exactly where the foot goes, exactly how the board spins, exactly how...

02:43:10.000 And then they learn it, and then they advance on it, and they advance on it.

02:43:13.000 So the advancement, you know, I'm sure you've talked about this before.

02:43:15.000 And I'm sure guys do videos on how they do it.

02:43:16.000 I've heard drumming, too.

02:43:17.000 I've heard drumming, like in music.

02:43:18.000 Oh, for sure.

02:43:19.000 Like young kids, that's why you've got all these young kids who are like incredible musicians, because they go on YouTube and they see it, and they replicate it, and then they improve on it. 0.97

02:43:26.000 Yeah, dude, it used to be hard to find a fucking drumming coach. 0.91

02:43:29.000 They could tell you to drum like Travis Barker. 1.00

02:43:31.000 Who the fuck is going to teach you how to do that? 0.99

02:43:34.000 Now you can watch. 1.00

02:43:36.000 That's nuts.

02:43:37.000 On demand.

02:43:38.000 Yeah.

02:43:38.000 I think that's with everything.

02:43:40.000 With playing guitar, with art.

02:43:42.000 There's so many tutorials about everything.

02:43:45.000 Yoga. 0.90

02:43:46.000 If you want to just do yoga at home, there's fucking hundreds of thousands of yoga videos. 0.93

02:43:51.000 You don't have to go anywhere. 0.97

02:43:52.000 It's kind of crazy.

02:43:53.000 There's never been a better time to be quarantined.

02:43:56.000 Right.

02:43:57.000 Can you imagine if this happened in 1990?

02:44:00.000 If you can be a self-starter or teach yourself how to be a self-starter right now, it's a good time to be quarantined.

02:44:06.000 Yeah.

02:44:07.000 You just got to be a self-starter.

02:44:08.000 You just got to get up and go to work.

02:44:10.000 I've made a point of trying to do things that I've always wanted to be able to do at home in my house that I haven't had time to do. 1.00

02:44:15.000 Suck your own cock. 1.00

02:44:16.000 I'm not going to say the improvements I've made in that area, but it's amazing what happens if you try hard enough. 1.00

02:44:24.000 Just put in the effort.

02:44:26.000 Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and other bands, he's been doing live streams showing from start to finish how he makes a song.

02:44:33.000 Oh, wow.

02:44:33.000 I watched one yesterday.

02:44:35.000 It was like an hour and a half.

02:44:35.000 He started from scratch.

02:44:36.000 Holy shit. 0.98

02:44:37.000 These are the keys I'm using. 0.98

02:44:39.000 This is the thought process I would use.

02:44:41.000 I like how he's color-coded his waveforms there, too.

02:44:44.000 That's Ableton.

02:44:45.000 That looks different, yeah.

02:44:46.000 That's amazing.

02:44:47.000 Why does that cat have hypnotic eyes? 0.77

02:44:49.000 He was streaming it, and I was like, this is his live video from his live stream.

02:44:53.000 He's doing donations, but they have Twitch pop-ups and stuff for people that are following and subscribing and stuff.

02:44:57.000 That's very cool.

02:44:59.000 It's like something like that.

02:45:00.000 Like, if you were a kid, they wanted to know, how do you make a song?

02:45:03.000 Like, I love Linkin Park.

02:45:04.000 How do I make a song like Linkin Park?

02:45:06.000 Bam! 0.98

02:45:07.000 Bam! 0.98

02:45:08.000 And it works now.

02:45:09.000 You can get on your computer and have that, and it works.

02:45:12.000 Tom Green, you're a part of that.

02:45:13.000 You understand that, right?

02:45:14.000 By creating your Tom Green show, you allowed people to think about streaming things from their house.

02:45:21.000 I bet you were a part of a lot of people's desire to jump in and do something like YouTube.

02:45:27.000 Because if you really stop and think about it, before you were doing that, before you were doing it from your house, or you were doing it from that public access station, how many people were doing that?

02:45:36.000 You're a real pioneer, Tom Green.

02:45:38.000 Legit.

02:45:39.000 The pioneers leave with arrows in their back, Joe.

02:45:42.000 Wow.

02:45:44.000 That's heavy.

02:45:45.000 Who shot you in the back, bro?

02:45:47.000 No, you know, listen, I've always loved technology.

02:45:51.000 That's one thing that's kind of interesting.

02:45:54.000 When I was a kid...

02:45:56.000 My dad was in the military, but when he retired from the military after 26 years in the service as a tank commander, he continued working for the Department of Defense as a COBOL programmer.

02:46:08.000 So he went and took a computer course, and he learned COBOL, and he would go off and he'd have the cards, and he'd show me these big computers, because Ottawa's the capital of Canada, so there's the government there, and there's these big computers.

02:46:20.000 And I remember in the 80s, early 80s, they had this thing in Ottawa.

02:46:24.000 It was called the Naboo Network.

02:46:26.000 It's the weirdest thing.

02:46:27.000 You would order it, and you can Google this, N-A-B-U, if you don't believe me. 1.00

02:46:34.000 And it was essentially like a VCR-sized box.

02:46:39.000 You could rent it.

02:46:40.000 You would hook your television cable into it.

02:46:43.000 And it was the internet.

02:46:45.000 It was basically the internet.

02:46:46.000 You could talk to people.

02:46:48.000 There was video games got pumped through it.

02:46:50.000 So you could play, like, real arcade-style video games on this thing.

02:46:53.000 And it was really, like, way advanced.

02:46:57.000 Yeah, there it is.

02:46:57.000 That's it.

02:46:58.000 I had that.

02:46:58.000 And my dad always got, like, the computers that no one else had.

02:47:02.000 Like, everyone had Atari 2600, but he went and got the Naboo.

02:47:06.000 Because he said, no, that's Doug Henning, by the way, the magician, the Canadian magician Doug Henning, who did the ads for him.

02:47:14.000 Yeah, so you're sitting there as a kid and you're playing like Dig Dug, the arcade game.

02:47:21.000 Same graphics quality.

02:47:23.000 And it's streaming through your cable.

02:47:26.000 You don't have a cartridge.

02:47:28.000 It's streaming through your cable.

02:47:29.000 So you're thinking about that.

02:47:30.000 And then a lot of my friends were very advanced.

02:47:33.000 My friend Phil Giroux, who was the guy who drank coffee in the window in the background of my show on MTV. He was my best friend.

02:47:39.000 He's a...

02:47:41.000 So we started doing stand-up together when we were teenagers, and then he kind of had to quit when he was 17 because he got hired as a computer engineer for the National Research Council because he was a computer genius.

02:47:51.000 So there was always this really early sort of computer sort of thing.

02:47:57.000 So I've always loved looking at that technology and going, okay, well, what's going to happen?

02:48:02.000 So now it's like, what's going to happen next?

02:48:04.000 That's the question.

02:48:04.000 What's going to happen next?

02:48:05.000 What's the new technology now?

02:48:06.000 What's the thing that's happening now that's going to...

02:48:10.000 I don't know what it is really, but it's fun to try to figure out artificial intelligence.

02:48:17.000 It's going to be augmented reality, I think. 0.88

02:48:19.000 I think it's going to be something that whether Apple comes up with some fucking Terminator style. 0.93

02:48:24.000 Remember those Terminator goggles? 0.98

02:48:26.000 Something Terminator style.

02:48:28.000 Like Google Glass?

02:48:30.000 No, no.

02:48:32.000 Those Google Glasses are just like a weird little thing in the corner of your eye. 0.99

02:48:35.000 That thing sucked. 0.99

02:48:36.000 I know.

02:48:36.000 But if you had sunglasses, like aviators, you put on some aviators, and you have a whole new view of the world with navigation, with emails, with voice calls with people where they're translucent.

02:48:50.000 You can see the people in front of you so you don't stumble into someone, but you still know that you're talking to your friend Bob.

02:48:54.000 You see each other while you're laughing.

02:48:56.000 You can split from your view to his view.

02:49:00.000 All that stuff is coming, man.

02:49:02.000 That's coming.

02:49:03.000 That's the next step.

02:49:04.000 That's the next step.

02:49:05.000 My real concern is what I was saying about earlier, about if we have tracking on our phones to make sure that we're not COVID-19 positive and like that.

02:49:16.000 You're giving up too much.

02:49:17.000 I feel like you're giving up too much there.

02:49:19.000 I think people need to...

02:49:22.000 People need to be conscious of their health and take care of their immune system and make sure you follow all the protocols and wash your hands and don't touch your face and all the things that everybody's been saying.

02:49:32.000 But I don't really know if we want to give in to that level of scrutiny, that level of tracking, that level of connection.

02:49:39.000 But will we even notice it?

02:49:41.000 It's already happening, right?

02:49:43.000 Yeah, that's the question, too.

02:49:44.000 Our phones, you put your email in, and it's already happening.

02:49:48.000 And we say, oh, the convenience, right?

02:49:49.000 It's so convenient.

02:49:50.000 And then all of a sudden, everyone's doing it, and I'm doing it.

02:49:52.000 Good call.

02:49:53.000 All of a sudden, it's like baby step, baby step, baby step.

02:49:56.000 And so it's sort of like, are we maybe already there?

02:49:59.000 I don't know.

02:49:59.000 We might be.

02:50:00.000 It's when they start implanting chips in our bodies, and that's when it gets a little bit...

02:50:05.000 When you're going down to the, I don't know, the clinic to have them inject a microchip into your...

02:50:11.000 This company was putting chips in their employees' arms so they could buy things at the store just by waving their arm.

02:50:18.000 Yeah, way easier.

02:50:18.000 They go through doors.

02:50:19.000 Yeah.

02:50:19.000 So they're all lining up to get chips.

02:50:21.000 Yeah.

02:50:22.000 And I'm watching this, and I've probably watched it four or five times since then, but when I'm watching, I'm looking at it and I'm going, what are you doing?

02:50:30.000 Like, where is this going?

02:50:31.000 You're going to allow a company?

02:50:33.000 What if Xerox fires you and you get their chip in your forearm?

02:50:37.000 What are you doing?

02:50:39.000 What are you doing?

02:50:40.000 Are you going to just be walking around with that Xerox chip in your arm?

02:50:43.000 What are you going to do?

02:50:43.000 Are you going to get it surgically removed?

02:50:45.000 Some Blade Runner moment.

02:50:46.000 Are you going to carve it out?

02:50:48.000 No big deal.

02:50:48.000 Carving it out on your own because no one will do it for you because you're not allowed to take them out.

02:50:51.000 If you take the stem cells, it takes two weeks to heal.

02:50:54.000 It's not a big deal.

02:50:54.000 Carve it out.

02:50:59.000 What?

02:50:59.000 What are we doing?

02:51:02.000 Listen, I think if we looked at ourselves in like 1980 and then looked at ourselves in 2020 and said, okay, how did this attachment to phones get so deeply ingrained in the culture without people figuring it out?

02:51:21.000 How planned was it, too?

02:51:23.000 You get this dopamine rush from when you get positive energy back from something, positive reinforcement back from something.

02:51:31.000 And so, did they know that before they made the text messaging?

02:51:35.000 That every time you got a text, you'd feel good?

02:51:37.000 Or did they realize that as they were going?

02:51:39.000 Oh, look at this.

02:51:41.000 People really like this.

02:51:42.000 People really like this phone.

02:51:43.000 They really can't put it down.

02:51:44.000 Oh, that's because they're getting a dopamine rush every time somebody gets a positive energy.

02:51:48.000 Oh, well, maybe we should double down on that.

02:51:50.000 Maybe we should create more of these.

02:51:52.000 Or was it planned from...

02:51:53.000 I don't think they knew.

02:51:55.000 I think it's one of those things that people take advantage once they realize.

02:51:59.000 They see it and they go, oh.

02:52:02.000 Yeah, how do we double for all the Cambridge Analytica stuff?

02:52:08.000 Oh, let's give them what they want to see.

02:52:10.000 Oh, they're liking this, they're liking this.

02:52:11.000 Let's lead them down this garden path. 0.51

02:52:13.000 Okay, now I'm going this way, I'm going there.

02:52:15.000 Yes.

02:52:15.000 I don't know.

02:52:17.000 I don't think there's a cabal of super geniuses that are trying to manipulate people in a way that get them to get addicted to likes.

02:52:25.000 I think it's something that people realized along the way and they took advantage of it.

02:52:30.000 And I also think that what really, what started it What started it was people trying to figure out how to get people to be more engaged.

02:52:39.000 What's the best way to get them engaged?

02:52:41.000 And the best way to get them engaged, it turns out, is to get them upset.

02:52:45.000 And then they figured out how to get people upset is to fill your feet up with things that you engage with.

02:52:51.000 But they're just trying to get you, if you were really interested in positive, intellectually enriching ideas, that's what would be in your feed all the time.

02:53:02.000 So you're blaming them for you having this shitty desire to eat Snickers bars all day. 0.83

02:53:07.000 You're eating mental Snickers bars. 0.98

02:53:10.000 But that's really what it is.

02:53:12.000 What they're doing is, like, Ari Shafir did a test on YouTube, and he only searched for videos of puppies.

02:53:18.000 And that's all that YouTube recommended.

02:53:20.000 Videos of puppies.

02:53:22.000 So all these people are like, they're trolling me.

02:53:24.000 They're trying to get me.

02:53:25.000 No, you're interested in those things.

02:53:27.000 Like, I'm not interested in abortion.

02:53:28.000 Well, you're watching abortion videos.

02:53:31.000 But what about when you start talking about stuff, you haven't even typed it in, and then you see it popping up.

02:53:35.000 Right.

02:53:35.000 That's weird.

02:53:36.000 I hate that.

02:53:37.000 Jamie and I were just talking about that.

02:53:38.000 That's happened a lot, too, these days.

02:53:40.000 The thing that goes on your finger.

02:53:41.000 Yeah, it's like a O2 pulse reader.

02:53:43.000 We had one...

02:53:45.000 Two days ago.

02:53:47.000 And we didn't say it out loud.

02:53:49.000 We didn't discuss what it was.

02:53:51.000 I think I did.

02:53:51.000 I think I did say it out loud.

02:53:53.000 I remember saying, I'm getting my vitals checked.

02:53:55.000 Yeah.

02:53:55.000 But I didn't say like, oh, look at that thing on my finger.

02:53:58.000 Look at this company that makes it.

02:53:59.000 I'm pretty sure I did.

02:54:00.000 But the exact company that made it, I got an ad for it.

02:54:03.000 I've gotten it three times in the last 12 hours now.

02:54:04.000 I mean, I remember having a conversation about my Toyota truck.

02:54:08.000 Hold for a second there.

02:54:09.000 How do you think that got to you?

02:54:10.000 My guess is it connects to whoever's phone, because it's got Bluetooth in it, it connects to something.

02:54:17.000 So it's sending out a signal constantly.

02:54:19.000 Our phones also have Bluetooth on, if you leave it on, looking for devices connecting constantly.

02:54:25.000 Wait, so wait, what happened?

02:54:26.000 It was listening to you?

02:54:27.000 No, I missed that part.

02:54:28.000 I'm not saying that.

02:54:28.000 No, no, that's not what he's saying.

02:54:29.000 It's a Bluetooth device that checks your pulse and vitals, basically.

02:54:34.000 Because that is what it is, it is sending out a Bluetooth signal or a near-field signal to devices, probably the person's phone who owns it or is connected to it.

02:54:45.000 But it's also sending out looking for other devices.

02:54:48.000 And my phone also is looking out for Wi-Fi signals, for Bluetooth signals.

02:54:54.000 There's got to be a connection there somewhere where it's tracked.

02:54:57.000 What devices have been logged in or connected to this within the last 6 hours, 12 hours?

02:55:03.000 I've read about this in the past. 0.88

02:55:06.000 So the possibility would be that this thing, I'm just talking about it from a moron, that this thing on your finger sends out a pulse or reaches out to find out what, like, maybe Google programs are open. 0.96

02:55:20.000 Devices, I think. 0.96

02:55:21.000 I don't even know about programs, but devices.

02:55:23.000 But how does it get that cookie into your Google News feed where you start seeing these?

02:55:28.000 So just like what I was going to pull up with this chip thing that it's describing here, our phones have a device number.

02:55:37.000 What they actually call it, I don't remember off the top of my head, but it's like that MSID number or something like that.

02:55:42.000 It's almost like your social security number for your device.

02:55:46.000 It's not for your phone or anybody.

02:55:47.000 It's just that device.

02:55:49.000 Now the data mining companies can get that device number and then sell it.

02:55:56.000 And that's how it then ends up on your phone.

02:55:58.000 They don't necessarily, from what I've heard and what I've been told, they don't necessarily know that it's you.

02:56:04.000 With your name and your statistics?

02:56:05.000 One of a kind serial number.

02:56:07.000 But they can get there.

02:56:08.000 It's your number.

02:56:09.000 They know that you were around that finger thing.

02:56:12.000 Or your phone was around that finger thing.

02:56:13.000 They don't know it's you.

02:56:14.000 I've seen a company offering this data to someone who wants it.

02:56:19.000 That if you wanted to target ads at someone...

02:56:21.000 What they could do maybe two years ago is you could find women aged 25 to 45 in the United States. 0.91

02:56:30.000 Woo! 0.99

02:56:30.000 Where's that? 0.99

02:56:31.000 Where did you find that?

02:56:31.000 Now you could go as specific as I want lawyers that are 37 years old that drink wine that live in this city.

02:56:39.000 You can get very specific, and they only have that data from this ongoing collection and finding it out.

02:56:47.000 Okay.

02:56:48.000 I just think it's weird when you don't even sign up for anything.

02:56:51.000 It's just your phone starts, it's like it's listening to you, right?

02:56:54.000 I'm assuming it is.

02:56:56.000 You're talking about Toyota.

02:57:00.000 And then you start seeing them in your newsfeed.

02:57:02.000 Yeah, I'm thinking of getting a Toyota truck, which happened to me.

02:57:04.000 I was thinking of getting a Toyota truck, right?

02:57:05.000 Solid choice.

02:57:06.000 Yeah.

02:57:07.000 Very reliable.

02:57:08.000 93 Toyota Land Cruiser.

02:57:09.000 Oh, Land Cruiser.

02:57:10.000 Oh, that's right.

02:57:11.000 We're talking about that.

02:57:12.000 And then all of a sudden, Toyota, [...

02:57:17.000 The microphone is on.

02:57:19.000 I really believe it is on.

02:57:21.000 Somebody sold us out.

02:57:21.000 And you know, they always say that.

02:57:22.000 Everyone says your phone's listening.

02:57:24.000 But you sort of don't believe it.

02:57:25.000 But then lately, more and more...

02:57:27.000 I really do believe it now.

02:57:29.000 And then you go, should I turn my phone off all the time?

02:57:32.000 I put it on airplane mode all the time.

02:57:33.000 I leave my phone on airplane mode.

02:57:34.000 Is it legal to listen for ads?

02:57:37.000 Like, how does that work?

02:57:38.000 Is that legal?

02:57:39.000 You've got the voice recognition software.

02:57:42.000 It's taking your words and searching them.

02:57:45.000 I mean, I don't know.

02:57:45.000 I don't think there's laws against that yet.

02:57:47.000 But it's slippery.

02:57:48.000 Right?

02:57:48.000 It's all, we're sliding into this digital world, just slowly sliding in.

02:57:54.000 It's listening everywhere, suggesting, Tom, I see you're really into toothpaste.

02:57:59.000 Yeah, right?

02:58:00.000 Yeah, you want tooth whitening toothpaste?

02:58:01.000 This is the stuff.

02:58:03.000 And then maybe you weren't really into it, but now you are really into it.

02:58:05.000 You mentioned it once, but now you're seeing it all the time, so now you're really into toothpaste.

02:58:08.000 Yes!

02:58:09.000 Or Toyotas.

02:58:11.000 What's the decision?

02:58:13.000 Is the decision to resist the machine or is the decision to enjoy the moment?

02:58:18.000 Just live your life as a one player in this infinite multiverse of lives coexisting.

02:58:26.000 Dealing with this technological singularity that we're all moving towards.

02:58:31.000 What's the decision?

02:58:32.000 What do you do?

02:58:33.000 I think it's to be aware of it.

02:58:35.000 Aware of what they're doing. 1.00

02:58:36.000 Is there a robot dick in my ass? 1.00

02:58:38.000 I can't believe it. 1.00

02:58:39.000 Yeah.

02:58:39.000 Look at it.

02:58:40.000 Right there.

02:58:41.000 Right?

02:58:41.000 That's when you're aware.

02:58:43.000 You're aware it's happening, and you are able to not be completely manipulated because at least you're aware of it.

02:58:49.000 As opposed to walking blindly through the world and not thinking about the fact that your phone's listening to you.

02:58:56.000 I'm really worried about what the next grab is going to be.

02:59:00.000 Because the next grab, in order to ensure that people be safe from this COVID-19...

02:59:07.000 It's hard, man. 1.00

02:59:08.000 Once they get some sort of control and power over you, it's hard to give that shit up. 0.98

02:59:12.000 And when we're looking at these studies that show that it's not at least as far as the amount that it's been contained and hasn't spread through the population, but the amount of people that actually have been infected, how many of them actually died, that it's much smaller than they were fearing it would be. 0.97

02:59:28.000 When are they going to let us be normal people again?

02:59:30.000 Or are they ever?

02:59:32.000 Are they ever?

02:59:33.000 I mean, are we just wearing masks from now on?

02:59:35.000 Do we have to wait for a vaccine?

02:59:37.000 Did we decide that it's more...

02:59:39.000 Are you spraying down your water?

02:59:40.000 Just a...

02:59:41.000 Hold on.

02:59:41.000 Is it more...

02:59:44.000 Is it worse to die from this than to die from the flu or to die from all these other things?

02:59:49.000 And you know what else is really interesting?

02:59:50.000 I was reading this thing where there might be a balance...

02:59:55.000 You know, a lot of people died from COVID, right?

02:59:58.000 It's not to diminish the amount of people that died, but that because people are staying at home, less people have died from automobile accidents.

03:00:05.000 That it might turn out to be...

03:00:07.000 I got money back on my car insurance because of that.

03:00:10.000 Yeah, and do you see how low gas is?

03:00:13.000 Gas is free.

03:00:15.000 They're giving you gas.

03:00:16.000 Oils.

03:00:17.000 Right, because no one's driving.

03:00:19.000 They pay you to fill up now.

03:00:20.000 That's gotta be what it is.

03:00:20.000 It's negative 35 cents.

03:00:21.000 If everyone was driving, it would be more valuable.

03:00:23.000 What's the other factors?

03:00:24.000 The Illuminati lizard people want you to know that gas is cheap.

03:00:28.000 They haven't stopped making it or whatever it is. 1.00

03:00:30.000 Well, these fuckheads need to keep it at $1.50 a gallon. 1.00

03:00:33.000 Cut the shit. 1.00

03:00:34.000 We're trying to rebuild this economy. 1.00

03:00:36.000 You fucking greedy lizard people. 1.00

03:00:42.000 There's people that believe that, right? 1.00

03:00:45.000 Like David Icke, I was watching that London Real interview.

03:00:48.000 He said he believes that he saw someone's eyeballs turn to lizard people.

03:00:54.000 Did he say it on that one or did he say it on the other one?

03:00:56.000 No, he said it on the Valuetainment.

03:00:58.000 There's a Valuetainment podcast.

03:01:00.000 They were interviewing him after the London Real podcast was taken off the air.

03:01:04.000 And he said he saw people's eyeballs turn into reptile eyeballs.

03:01:07.000 And I'm like, Chuck, please.

03:01:09.000 Chuck, please.

03:01:10.000 Could have been some good LSD maybe at work.

03:01:12.000 Or maybe it didn't really happen.

03:01:14.000 Yeah, that's true.

03:01:15.000 Maybe you just wanted to, or maybe it did happen.

03:01:18.000 Maybe it didn't.

03:01:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:01:20.000 More likely it didn't.

03:01:21.000 Probably not, yeah.

03:01:22.000 Yeah, this idea that people are lizards.

03:01:24.000 It's hard enough just being a person, just dealing with people people.

03:01:28.000 You know, you had no evidence of lizard people.

03:01:30.000 Stop.

03:01:31.000 Let's try to figure this out together.

03:01:33.000 You're distracting everybody.

03:01:34.000 All this lizard talk.

03:01:35.000 I think we want to believe that there's something that can't be explained.

03:01:40.000 It's 5G! The towers!

03:01:42.000 The 5G, Tom Green!

03:01:44.000 Right.

03:01:46.000 So what's that all about?

03:01:47.000 Have you been paying attention to 5G? Research Flat Earth and 5G? You probably had the Flat Earth people here, right?

03:01:54.000 There's a little Duvall.

03:01:55.000 Do you know little Duvall on Instagram?

03:01:57.000 He had a hilarious point that he put up.

03:02:01.000 I think he retweeted somebody else's point.

03:02:03.000 There's like five countries with 5G towers and more than a hundred countries that have COVID-19. 0.65

03:02:11.000 How the fuck do you think it got from there to all those people?

03:02:15.000 Do you really think it's 5G? Yeah. 0.98

03:02:17.000 Some people do.

03:02:19.000 Some people think it's 5G. Some people think it's 5G, man.

03:02:24.000 It's amazing how things can just kind of grab a hold on the internet.

03:02:30.000 Here's the question.

03:02:30.000 If it was 5G, how would you find out?

03:02:34.000 Do you think Verizon would let you know? 0.63

03:02:36.000 If 5G just started fucking people's heads up and they started running into walls, do you think Verizon would be like, hey guys, maybe we, uh... 0.94

03:02:41.000 Oh, you caught us. 0.96

03:02:42.000 You caught, sorry.

03:02:43.000 Yeah.

03:02:44.000 You got us.

03:02:44.000 What would they do if it really was 5G? Our bad.

03:02:47.000 We were trying to sting. 0.97

03:02:49.000 If 5G really did fuck people up.

03:02:52.000 Well, you know, look, I've always asked myself, you know, going back to just talk about radio waves, microwaves.

03:03:00.000 I mean, I've always wondered, do more people have cancer now?

03:03:03.000 As a cancer survivor, I go, did I get cancer because I grew up in a world where there's radio waves and cell phones and all this stuff in there?

03:03:09.000 Or are just people living longer and getting cancer?

03:03:12.000 I don't know.

03:03:12.000 I mean, I don't know.

03:03:13.000 But you wonder, it's got to affect the human body to send...

03:03:17.000 I don't know, what is it, radio wave?

03:03:18.000 Electronic energy through the air that's going through your body, through your cells, it's got to affect it, right?

03:03:23.000 So you could sort of see how somebody might think that a stronger signal could potentially affect the cells in your body, maybe.

03:03:34.000 But, you know, I go, well, why start now?

03:03:39.000 Let's go back to just, you know, Radio, you know, microwave ovens, you know?

03:03:44.000 Who knows?

03:03:45.000 Who knows?

03:03:46.000 I don't think so.

03:03:47.000 Yeah.

03:03:48.000 I mean, I think there's a lot of factors, but I think that biological factors, you know, they found in instances...

03:03:56.000 I believe they found it in cave people and certain animals.

03:04:00.000 They found cancer in all sorts of animals.

03:04:02.000 And wild animals, they found cancer in them.

03:04:05.000 Cancer is a weird thing.

03:04:07.000 And we can't assume.

03:04:09.000 When someone is born with certain diseases, we don't...

03:04:15.000 We don't try to make some sort of environmental connection always to the fact that they're born with certain diseases.

03:04:21.000 Even people that are living in paradise with no toxins in the environments.

03:04:24.000 There's still the weird randomness, the giving birth.

03:04:28.000 Two people conceiving a child and the child coming out.

03:04:32.000 Everything has to be in order.

03:04:34.000 All the ducks have to be in a row to make sure there's no diseases. 0.74

03:04:37.000 There's so many variables, man.

03:04:39.000 And one of the variables is cancer.

03:04:41.000 And the fact that some people get it and some people don't and some people live their lives terribly. 0.91

03:04:48.000 They abuse the fuck out of their bodies.

03:04:50.000 They take all kinds of drugs and nothing happens. 0.99

03:04:53.000 It's crazy.

03:04:55.000 And then there's people like you that just live normal and they get cancer.

03:04:59.000 And if you didn't pay attention to it, you could have died.

03:05:01.000 That's just how it is.

03:05:02.000 The world is weirdly random in that sense.

03:05:07.000 Where it's not fair.

03:05:08.000 Genetics are not fair.

03:05:10.000 Intelligence is not fair.

03:05:12.000 Creativity is not fair.

03:05:13.000 There's no fair.

03:05:14.000 There's no fair.

03:05:15.000 And if you start looking for fair, fair is in your household, okay?

03:05:19.000 Fair is amongst your clan.

03:05:21.000 Fair is amongst your loved ones.

03:05:23.000 Fair is not the outside.

03:05:24.000 The outside world is a wild, competitive battleground of ideas and actions.

03:05:30.000 And it's not fair.

03:05:31.000 It's not fair at all.

03:05:32.000 And how do you prevent that randomness from scaring the shit out of you?

03:05:36.000 You can't, Tom Green.

03:05:40.000 That's where weed comes along. 0.99

03:05:42.000 You can't, man.

03:05:43.000 You can't.

03:05:44.000 You just got to keep on keeping on.

03:05:47.000 Yeah, there's no way.

03:05:51.000 If you prevent it from scaring the shit out of you, then you're not paying attention to it.

03:05:55.000 You'd have to block it out completely if it wasn't terrifying.

03:05:59.000 Because if you're paying attention to it, it's going to be terrifying.

03:06:02.000 If you're not blocking out completely, you look at the randomness of just the fact that we're in this planet with no roof, and we're hurling through the galaxy, and there's all these asteroids out there, and sometimes they don't see them because they're coming from behind the sun. 0.98

03:06:15.000 They just fucking slam into us and kill everybody.

03:06:18.000 Yeah, I spend a lot of time trying to decide what freaks me out more, the infinity of the universe or the infinity of being dead, you know? 0.99

03:06:28.000 The infinity of the universe or the infinity of being dead?

03:06:30.000 That goes forever, and once you're dead, well, that's forever too, right?

03:06:33.000 There's no...

03:06:35.000 What's scarier?

03:06:36.000 What's stranger?

03:06:38.000 This would be the scariest.

03:06:39.000 The infinity of the universe if you live forever and you can breathe in space and you didn't need food and you were just floating forever. 0.99

03:06:49.000 Go see what the fuck's going on out there.

03:06:50.000 You're never gonna land, you're never gonna touch ground, you're just gonna float through forever for billions and billions of years without ever talking to anybody, but you're never gonna die. 0.99

03:07:00.000 That sounds terrifying.

03:07:01.000 That might be the worst.

03:07:02.000 Yeah.

03:07:03.000 That may be way worse than dying.

03:07:05.000 Yeah, I think that would be.

03:07:07.000 I mean, what is worse than dying?

03:07:08.000 Wishing you were dead?

03:07:12.000 Flying forever for billions of years?

03:07:14.000 You know how bored you'd be after the first billion years and realize you have an infinite amount of billion years left where you're still gonna be alive, breathing air with no need for food, no friends.

03:07:24.000 You know what you know now, but you've been transformed by the gods into this symbol of psychic torture.

03:07:33.000 You're the God Green.

03:07:35.000 Tom Green, in 2021, God came back to show us all a lesson.

03:07:39.000 He let Tom Green breathe in space and fly on forever and live forever.

03:07:43.000 And then you streamed your thoughts.

03:07:47.000 You can't land on a planet and go look around.

03:07:48.000 There's no landing.

03:07:49.000 You're going to be up in space forever.

03:07:51.000 It'd be frustrating to fly right by a great planet.

03:07:53.000 Yeah, one planet looks like Lake Havasu, where girls have their tops off, and they're all drinking. 1.00

03:07:58.000 You can't go down.

03:08:00.000 Can you see it, though?

03:08:01.000 How close can you see it?

03:08:02.000 Close enough to jack off, but then back into space again.

03:08:05.000 That might not be so bad, then.

03:08:06.000 You get that once every billion years.

03:08:08.000 You come around to Planet Havasu.

03:08:11.000 It's not a daily Havasu.

03:08:13.000 It's not a two, three times daily.

03:08:16.000 No.

03:08:16.000 Five times daily.

03:08:17.000 It's like, what was that movie?

03:08:19.000 Do you remember that movie that was about like, goddammit, Porky's?

03:08:24.000 Was it Porky's?

03:08:25.000 Canadian.

03:08:26.000 Was Porky's Canadian?

03:08:27.000 Yeah.

03:08:27.000 The biggest independent film of all time was Porky's at the time.

03:08:32.000 I'm sure that's changed now.

03:08:33.000 Was that an independent film?

03:08:34.000 Interesting.

03:08:35.000 Interesting.

03:08:35.000 Yeah, and I remember that because that was my age, right?

03:08:39.000 You know, our age, right?

03:08:40.000 When you were like a kid and all of a sudden you could see boobies in a movie.

03:08:45.000 It was pretty much...

03:08:46.000 That was the movie to see.

03:08:49.000 Porky's.

03:08:49.000 That was the movie to see, man.

03:08:51.000 You could not make that movie today.

03:08:55.000 Porky's.

03:08:56.000 No chance. 1.00

03:08:59.000 There was some weird shit in there. 1.00

03:09:00.000 It was a rape fest, right? 1.00

03:09:03.000 I just remember some weird shit in there for sure, yeah. 0.99

03:09:05.000 By standard current definitions? 0.97

03:09:07.000 Yeah.

03:09:08.000 Yeah, there's a lot of sexual assault, wasn't there?

03:09:11.000 I have to go watch it again.

03:09:12.000 Yeah, me too.

03:09:13.000 Well, there's definitely some Peeping Tom type activities, weren't they there?

03:09:18.000 Yeah.

03:09:19.000 Some violence?

03:09:20.000 There we go.

03:09:23.000 Whoa.

03:09:24.000 There's a lot of those...

03:09:26.000 What a great film.

03:09:27.000 Yeah.

03:09:28.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

03:09:29.000 When we were kids, this was the shit, right? 1.00

03:09:31.000 What year was this? 1.00

03:09:32.000 81, it says.

03:09:33.000 Oh, my God.

03:09:33.000 So I was 14. This was the shit, dude.

03:09:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:09:36.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

03:09:37.000 Yeah.

03:09:38.000 This was...

03:09:40.000 This movie's probably a time capsule, huh?

03:09:42.000 And there's moments in that movie where when you're a kid and you're seeing that and there's no internet and you're seeing something that you've never even fathomed before.

03:09:50.000 And look what they did, too.

03:09:51.000 They made it about an earlier time.

03:09:53.000 They made it, they got off the hook by making it in the 1950s.

03:09:55.000 Is that Timothy Hutton right there?

03:09:56.000 Is it?

03:09:58.000 I don't know.

03:09:58.000 Maybe not.

03:10:00.000 Oh, and that's from Sex and the City, right?

03:10:03.000 Oh, yeah.

03:10:04.000 Kate Cattrall, yeah.

03:10:05.000 Kim Cattrall.

03:10:06.000 Kim Cattrall, yeah, yeah.

03:10:06.000 Yeah, I knew she was in there.

03:10:08.000 This is the scene I was going to bring up, I didn't want to mention.

03:10:10.000 Because I felt weird mentioning it.

03:10:12.000 Who stayed hot longer than Kim Cattrall? 1.00

03:10:14.000 She hung in there strong.

03:10:17.000 Multiple decades.

03:10:18.000 Porky's 1981, son.

03:10:20.000 All the way to Sex and the City.

03:10:21.000 Go back a little bit on that, though.

03:10:24.000 Let me see those cars from the 1950s, like before that.

03:10:27.000 Like when the cars are pulling into the parking lot.

03:10:29.000 Like, look, they did it all...

03:10:32.000 Yeah, there it is.

03:10:33.000 So look at those cars.

03:10:34.000 Those are all like 1953 cars.

03:10:37.000 So they did it all in an even earlier time.

03:10:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:10:40.000 So they got off the hook by saying, yeah, people back there, they're fucking cave people. 0.99

03:10:44.000 The 1950s, grabbing tits. 1.00

03:10:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:10:47.000 Spitting on their dicks. 1.00

03:10:48.000 And it was an innocent time. 1.00

03:10:50.000 Yes. 0.90

03:10:51.000 Well, it was also a time where you could do these outrageous, ridiculous movies and people would just roll their eyes and go, oh...

03:10:58.000 They wouldn't, you know, protest you, have you de-platformed from everything.

03:11:02.000 Well, come out of the theater, then there'd be the VHS of it, and everyone would talk about it.

03:11:06.000 Remember like the ski movies?

03:11:08.000 They had the snow, hot dog.

03:11:10.000 Yes!

03:11:11.000 Remember Hot Doggin' and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, of course, got big.

03:11:14.000 But now when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool, everybody sort of paused that, rewound that video.

03:11:19.000 The coming-of-age high school movie.

03:11:20.000 Yeah.

03:11:21.000 It was giant.

03:11:22.000 And it was, you know, I mean, for people who don't remember, young people, I mean, can you even imagine a world without an internet?

03:11:28.000 So that was your only access to seeing any sort of nudity, right?

03:11:34.000 I wonder, I think we have it best.

03:11:37.000 Yeah.

03:11:38.000 Because we were born and raised with no internet and then we found the internet later in life.

03:11:43.000 So we realize how crazy it is, whereas these kids that are growing up today, they've always had the internet.

03:11:48.000 The concept of no internet is so alien to that.

03:11:51.000 Yeah.

03:11:53.000 And when you don't have instant access to seeing anything you can imagine, then your mind has to use its creativity to come up with ideas and visualize it.

03:12:04.000 That doesn't exist now.

03:12:07.000 So I'm glad that we grew up in that era.

03:12:11.000 Dude, we got lucky.

03:12:13.000 We really did.

03:12:14.000 Because that time was like...

03:12:17.000 And no one's ever going to get that again.

03:12:18.000 You never get it again. 0.99

03:12:19.000 Unless we fuck up and society restarts, but then you're going to learn how to kill a bird with a rock, right? 1.00

03:12:25.000 You're going to be starving to death. 1.00

03:12:26.000 Right.

03:12:27.000 If society resets that hard...

03:12:29.000 You'll be fine.

03:12:31.000 No one's going to be fine. 0.98

03:12:32.000 Listen, that life is horseshit. 0.98

03:12:34.000 You don't want to live that life.

03:12:37.000 The fact that we're young enough to enjoy all the technology now, you and I are young enough to enjoy it the same way young, but we also are old enough to have remembered as adults living life without it is kind of a luxury.

03:12:51.000 And we're the only generation, we're the only age group that will ever experience that.

03:12:54.000 For sure.

03:12:55.000 It's a unique perspective.

03:12:57.000 Did you have Pong as a kid?

03:12:58.000 Yeah, it was the first video game I played.

03:13:00.000 Yeah, me too.

03:13:01.000 So Pong, which we used to have, was the most crude video game ever.

03:13:05.000 Oh, I didn't have it.

03:13:06.000 Oh, you didn't have it?

03:13:07.000 My friend Sean Potvin had it.

03:13:08.000 But you were around what you experienced it.

03:13:10.000 Yeah, it was probably, I would have been fifth grade, and I would go over to his house after school, and I was like, I remember, I remember, he was like, yeah.

03:13:18.000 What?

03:13:19.000 You're controlling the movement of the television?

03:13:21.000 There's a thing and you're controlling it?

03:13:24.000 Yeah.

03:13:25.000 Now you watch people playing Call of Duty. 1.00

03:13:27.000 They're pulling sniper shots on people, making their fucking heads explode. 1.00

03:13:32.000 Look at Jamie gets excited about that. 1.00

03:13:33.000 Look at him.

03:13:33.000 Is that what you're addicted to?

03:13:34.000 Call of Duty?

03:13:35.000 Yes.

03:13:36.000 How bad?

03:13:36.000 How bad's your addiction?

03:13:37.000 I didn't play yesterday.

03:13:39.000 Oh, you took a day off?

03:13:40.000 Were you sweating?

03:13:41.000 No, I almost played.

03:13:42.000 I had to edit game footage instead.

03:13:45.000 You could just watch somebody play for half an hour and get your fix.

03:13:49.000 Oh, you can get a little fix.

03:13:50.000 Watch a little twitch fix.

03:13:51.000 Is that what twitch is good for?

03:13:53.000 Watch through their eyes.

03:13:54.000 See how they pull off a shot.

03:13:55.000 You don't have to commit to turning it on. 1.00

03:13:59.000 Those goddamn video games. 1.00

03:14:01.000 That's how they're gonna get you too. 1.00

03:14:02.000 I mean think about how big that is.

03:14:04.000 Video games now, first of all, they were already at the borderline of being bigger than the film industry, right?

03:14:09.000 And then they got bigger than the film industry.

03:14:11.000 And now the film industry is taking a big hit because people aren't going to the movies.

03:14:15.000 So they're going to have to go straight to iPhones or Apple TV or Amazon.

03:14:21.000 That's what a lot of them are doing now, right?

03:14:23.000 Does that mean we're getting closer and closer to living inside the machine?

03:14:27.000 Because you're living inside that computer game.

03:14:29.000 It's more exciting.

03:14:31.000 Everything's coming through your TV now?

03:14:33.000 Even the movies are coming through TV? How's the movie going to compete with Call of Duty?

03:14:37.000 Fortnite is launching Travis Scott's new song and music video or something today.

03:14:44.000 In the game, they made a character for him.

03:14:46.000 It might be happening right now, actually.

03:14:49.000 And not only do you not have to leave the house, but we're not allowed to leave the house.

03:14:52.000 How many people are going to do that in games, have stand-up comedy specials?

03:14:55.000 In games?

03:14:56.000 It's going to be an option now.

03:14:57.000 It's going to be an option.

03:14:58.000 You can have an audience.

03:15:00.000 You can go to the Tom Green Theater.

03:15:02.000 And you walk in and sit down and the curtain parts and Tom Green gets on stage and does a special.

03:15:07.000 They already did it once with a DJ and it was live.

03:15:10.000 He was talking live.

03:15:12.000 I don't know what he could see on his end if he had a room with all the thousands of servers that were open.

03:15:18.000 If they could do that, that would be awesome.

03:15:20.000 But they're very close already.

03:15:22.000 Yeah, they're going to be able to do it.

03:15:23.000 I've seen 360 degree YouTube videos.

03:15:26.000 Have you seen those?

03:15:27.000 Where you can move your cursor around.

03:15:29.000 It's crazy.

03:15:30.000 You can move to different spots in the room.

03:15:32.000 Virtual reality didn't take off though, did it?

03:15:35.000 The glasses...

03:15:36.000 It didn't take off when they first invented it, because I don't think the technology was ready.

03:15:40.000 But before the quarantine, there's a thing that we were playing down the street called Sandbox, and it's amazing.

03:15:46.000 Yeah.

03:15:47.000 It's really good, dude.

03:15:48.000 Like, there's one where, what is it, Deadwood Mansion, that's what it's called?

03:15:51.000 You put, you have a haptic feedback vest on, and you have a rifle, and you have these goggles on, you put the headphones on, you have things that go around your wrists and things that go around your ankles, so it tracks your movement.

03:16:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:16:02.000 And then you're in a haunted mansion and fucking zombies are coming running at you. 0.99

03:16:06.000 And you're gunning them down. 1.00

03:16:08.000 And it's wild.

03:16:09.000 They're dropping out of the roof and right in front of you and they grab you.

03:16:12.000 They hit you.

03:16:13.000 You see red in front of you and you feel it on your vest.

03:16:16.000 It's nuts.

03:16:16.000 And then the graphics are going to get better.

03:16:18.000 Yes.

03:16:19.000 They're way better now than they used to be.

03:16:20.000 And then you're not going to want to leave.

03:16:21.000 We had John Carmack come in.

03:16:24.000 John Carmack is the guy who designed Quake.

03:16:26.000 He designed a 3D engine for Doom and Quake and all those amazing video games.

03:16:31.000 And then he was working for Oculus.

03:16:33.000 So he came in with the newest Oculus.

03:16:35.000 The newest Oculus is just a headset.

03:16:37.000 You put it on and it works off of an iPad.

03:16:39.000 You have a headset and these two things.

03:16:41.000 You have no tether.

03:16:43.000 There's no cord attaching you.

03:16:44.000 And it has like this clearly designed framing for your game playing area.

03:16:51.000 So like you frame the room.

03:16:53.000 So if your room is like out here big like a warehouse, you can walk around like 30 feet this way and 30 feet that way.

03:16:59.000 Make a 30-foot square, 30 foot in each direction.

03:17:03.000 And then it knows that's the game footage and shows you where the walls are.

03:17:07.000 So it gives you this view of, like, don't go past here.

03:17:10.000 It gets opaque.

03:17:11.000 And you back up and now you're inside the haunted house again.

03:17:14.000 Now you back up and you're in the alien spaceship again.

03:17:17.000 It's nuts what they can do now.

03:17:19.000 And when the graphics get better and then the world gets bigger, that's when you don't want to leave.

03:17:23.000 Because you feel like you can actually physically go explore and never find the end of it.

03:17:28.000 What was that one game where you make universes?

03:17:30.000 You make planets and worlds?

03:17:32.000 Yeah, it's called No Man's Sky, but it was like a never-ending, self-perpetuating type.

03:17:39.000 As you kept going, it just made more.

03:17:41.000 I don't know if it worked out the way it was designed or the way it was advertised, but they're still working on it.

03:17:46.000 And that's just one step, though, to get further in.

03:17:49.000 That is going to probably be the inspiration for someone when new technology emerges to take...

03:17:57.000 It to the next level and come up with some other even more deeply immersive game. 0.99

03:18:01.000 Once they really get that haptic feedback shit down, precise, where you can feel someone grabbing your tits. 0.99

03:18:10.000 Feel someone with their hands around your neck. 0.99

03:18:13.000 Feel someone trying to choke you.

03:18:16.000 Yeah, well, that's what you're into.

03:18:17.000 I mean, if you're getting attacked.

03:18:19.000 Oh, attacked.

03:18:20.000 You know, if you're in the game and you're kicking the door and some guy jumps on you and grabs your neck and you're like, bang, bang, bang! 0.99

03:18:25.000 And then he drops to the ground and you're like, fuck, this is crazy! 0.99

03:18:28.000 Like you felt him choking you. 0.99

03:18:30.000 Like all that.

03:18:31.000 I mean, movies like The Revenant, right?

03:18:35.000 Where Leonardo DiCaprio gets attacked by that grizzly bear.

03:18:38.000 Yeah, wow.

03:18:39.000 Imagine if you had a suit on that lets you get attacked by a grizzly bear and you feel it.

03:18:44.000 But it throws you to the ground.

03:18:46.000 It's biting on you, shaking you like a leaf. 1.00

03:18:48.000 You're like, holy fuck! 1.00

03:18:50.000 You know, it's just some suit that figures out how to manipulate your body the same way it would be manipulated in this video game. 1.00

03:18:59.000 I haven't done a lot of that stuff, but it's like that your mind does believe it, right?

03:19:04.000 Well, it could be.

03:19:05.000 There's the one where you walk to the edge of a thing, you look down, you get vertigo, and you know you're in a thing, but your mind just seeing...

03:19:10.000 You walk a plank.

03:19:11.000 We actually had a plank.

03:19:13.000 I think I saw it on your show, actually.

03:19:14.000 Did I see it here?

03:19:17.000 We've definitely talked about it.

03:19:19.000 You could put a board down on the ground, like a 2x4.

03:19:22.000 I saw that recently somewhere.

03:19:23.000 And then walk on it, and it seems like this is the board you're walking on, and look below you, you see the city streets.

03:19:29.000 Yeah.

03:19:29.000 I saw that recently on the internet.

03:19:31.000 Yeah.

03:19:32.000 How long until you can fly?

03:19:33.000 How long until you can ride one of them Avatar dragons, go through Pangea?

03:19:40.000 Where was that?

03:19:40.000 What was that?

03:19:43.000 Pandora.

03:19:44.000 Go through Pandora, riding on a dragon.

03:19:47.000 How long?

03:19:48.000 Not that long, man.

03:19:48.000 Less than a hundred years.

03:19:50.000 A hundred years from now, you're just gonna...

03:19:52.000 And you're gonna be gone.

03:19:55.000 You're gonna be in some other universe.

03:19:57.000 You're gonna be in some other world.

03:19:58.000 You're gonna be Luke Skywalker.

03:19:59.000 You're gonna be Mickey Mouse.

03:20:00.000 It's gonna happen, man.

03:20:02.000 It's gonna happen.

03:20:02.000 A hundred percent.

03:20:03.000 How long does it take?

03:20:06.000 You know?

03:20:07.000 How long does it take before that happens?

03:20:09.000 And will it be gradual, or will it be one big leap? 0.99

03:20:11.000 We don't see it coming, and we're all like those buffalo that the Native Americans used to push off the cliff, where one of them would go off the cliff, and then the other one would go, fuck, there's a cliff! 0.98

03:20:20.000 But there's like a thousand buffalo behind you that don't know it's a cliff, so they just keep pushing. 0.98

03:20:24.000 Yeah.

03:20:25.000 When that headset goes on and it's way more satisfying than reality, we're going to have trouble. 1.00

03:20:31.000 Especially because fuck. 1.00

03:20:34.000 The thing that's going to push it is porn. 1.00

03:20:37.000 I'm sure that will probably be what happens.

03:20:39.000 That's what pushes every technology.

03:20:40.000 Push streaming, push VHS, push so many things.

03:20:44.000 Porn.

03:20:44.000 Video for sure.

03:20:45.000 Once they figure out how to literally have it feel like you're having sex with a porn star. 0.99

03:20:54.000 Like, she has sex with a guy, that guy wears a headset, and then you put that headset on, and it's like they're having sex with you. 0.99

03:21:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:21:02.000 Why leave the house at that point? 0.99

03:21:04.000 Why leave the house?

03:21:05.000 Why leave the house?

03:21:06.000 Just zip, zip. 0.99

03:21:09.000 It's right in your temples.

03:21:11.000 How do we have to watch Avatar 2 or 3?

03:21:14.000 Oh no, I'm not doing it, James Cameron!

03:21:16.000 First you're trying to get me to be vegan, now you want me to be a robot!

03:21:19.000 But the Avatar, what was that?

03:21:20.000 Like the Avatar depression syndrome when people like couldn't watch it or whatever?

03:21:25.000 No, people got Avatar depression because they went to see Avatar and they wished their lives were that noble.

03:21:30.000 They wished their lives were that important and amazing.

03:21:33.000 People got Avatar depression?

03:21:35.000 Yes, it was real. 1.00

03:21:36.000 Because they realized that we live a bullshit life and they want to ride a dragon and then fucking shoot bows and arrows at the bad guys. 1.00

03:21:46.000 They got Avatar Depression. 1.00

03:21:48.000 It was like a real thing because so many psychologists were talking to these people, so many psychiatrists were treating these patients that they just started calling it something.

03:21:55.000 Like, how many guys are you getting every day that are sad?

03:21:57.000 Because Avatar's not real.

03:22:03.000 How do you do this as often as you do?

03:22:06.000 The energy, the mental energy that it must...

03:22:09.000 I mean, this is awesome, but for me, I don't have to...

03:22:12.000 We've been on here for a couple...

03:22:14.000 I'm mentally ill!

03:22:15.000 This is easy! 0.98

03:22:16.000 This is how I am!

03:22:18.000 Amazing.

03:22:19.000 Come on, man.

03:22:20.000 That's nonsense. 0.98

03:22:21.000 I just found something that works with whatever's fucked up about me. 1.00

03:22:25.000 Whatever's fucked up about me is I'm interested in shit and I talk too much. 0.99

03:22:28.000 Perfect. 1.00

03:22:29.000 Put it together.

03:22:30.000 No, it's amazing.

03:22:31.000 It's exciting to sit here with you, of course, but to see the genuine enthusiasm for all of these ideas we're talking about.

03:22:40.000 You do this every day.

03:22:41.000 Not every day, but you do this a lot.

03:22:43.000 How do you keep that enthusiasm Don't you have cool conversations with people a lot?

03:22:48.000 I do.

03:22:49.000 I do.

03:22:49.000 I just do it in here.

03:22:51.000 It's really just picking who you get to talk to.

03:22:53.000 I love it.

03:22:54.000 I love it.

03:22:54.000 I feel honored to be able to sit here.

03:22:56.000 I feel honored to be able to sit here with you.

03:22:57.000 And have you just put this much energy into this show with me.

03:23:04.000 This is amazing.

03:23:05.000 It's incredible.

03:23:05.000 Dude, I'm happy to do it.

03:23:06.000 I appreciate you.

03:23:07.000 And I appreciate you showing me the way.

03:23:09.000 For real.

03:23:10.000 2007. Being over at your house.

03:23:11.000 Showed me the way.

03:23:13.000 It's so cool you say it, man.

03:23:15.000 It's true.

03:23:15.000 I just really appreciate it.

03:23:16.000 It's true.

03:23:16.000 It's a class act, man.

03:23:18.000 Not everybody says stuff like that.

03:23:19.000 So thank you for just at least throwing me an acknowledgement there.

03:23:24.000 Oh, please.

03:23:24.000 Very cool.

03:23:25.000 I have always been in your debt in that regard, for sure, because I do really remember thinking, like, wow, Tom Green's stepping up.

03:23:32.000 I was like, he's going deep with this.

03:23:34.000 This is crazy.

03:23:35.000 When you see someone doing something like that, like set up a whole production studio at their house, you had a whole real studio.

03:23:43.000 You could go live.

03:23:46.000 I was like, wow!

03:23:47.000 That, for sure, planted a ton of seeds in my little garden.

03:23:53.000 You nailed it, dude.

03:23:54.000 And you're doing it again.

03:23:55.000 Yeah.

03:23:55.000 Yay!

03:23:56.000 How can people watch what you're doing again?

03:23:59.000 I'm doing a podcast.

03:24:00.000 I'm doing a podcast.

03:24:01.000 The Tom Green Podcast.

03:24:03.000 So it's where you get podcasts.

03:24:04.000 And I'm on Instagram, Twitter, tomgreen.com.

03:24:07.000 Are you doing video of this as well?

03:24:09.000 Yeah, not yet.

03:24:10.000 I've just been doing audio, but I'm going to put some cameras on it.

03:24:13.000 Because you were showing me that light, that cool light.

03:24:14.000 Yeah, so I'm setting it up now.

03:24:16.000 So yeah, it's this really cool light.

03:24:17.000 So video soon.

03:24:18.000 Yeah.

03:24:18.000 Oh, beautiful.

03:24:20.000 I know you've got some cool lights here, but...

03:24:22.000 The Roto light.

03:24:23.000 Check out the Roto light.

03:24:24.000 Yeah.

03:24:25.000 Respect to the OG. Thank you, Tom Green.

03:24:27.000 Appreciate you, brother.

03:24:28.000 Thank you for being here.

03:24:29.000 Thank you, Joe.

03:24:30.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 24, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1463 - Tom Green

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