The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1529 - Whitney Cummings & Annie Lederman

00:00:00.000 First of all, how do you two not have a show together?

00:00:03.000 I don't know.

00:00:04.000 Hanging with you guys the other night at the store, first of all, how much fun was that?

00:00:08.000 The best.

00:00:09.000 It was so much fun.

00:00:10.000 I can't remember because it's been so long.

00:00:10.000 It was so fun.

00:00:12.000 It's been like six months now.

00:00:13.000 Was that what every night was like?

00:00:15.000 A lot of nights were like that.

00:00:16.000 We just had the craziest circus freak night.

00:00:19.000 Just laughing constantly.

00:00:19.000 Just fun.

00:00:21.000 We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up.

00:00:24.000 That was the constant thing.

00:00:25.000 For hours.

00:00:25.000 It was either in the back bar or the back smoking area and everybody was laughing.

00:00:29.000 Yep.

00:00:29.000 And you get like a low-grade depression when you're not around it.

00:00:33.000 Yeah, it's so true.

00:00:34.000 You forget for months and months and months.

00:00:36.000 And then we had one night where we were all like, ah!

00:00:38.000 It's so true. 1.00

00:00:39.000 Just shooting up and saying ridiculous shit. 1.00

00:00:41.000 I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. 1.00

00:00:44.000 Like I kept thinking about it like we'd fucked for the first time. 0.97

00:00:46.000 I was like, I fucked that night. 0.99

00:00:48.000 And I was like, is he thinking about me too? 0.99

00:00:50.000 And I was like texting with you guys.

00:00:52.000 We spent three days replaying the night.

00:00:55.000 Remember when you said this?

00:00:56.000 That was so funny.

00:00:57.000 I got so emotional when I pulled up and then I walked into the store, I almost cried.

00:01:02.000 I was like, I can't believe I'm here.

00:01:04.000 If I had been away for five months and I came back, I'd be like, I can't believe I'm here, that'd be great.

00:01:10.000 But I was like, ooh, is here gonna ever be here again?

00:01:13.000 Is it ever gonna be what it used to be?

00:01:17.000 There's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night.

00:01:19.000 The way we did it the other night, everybody gets tested, you go and hang out, and it's fun, and we have a great time.

00:01:24.000 That was STD tests, but we do all have COVID, unfortunately.

00:01:28.000 My chlamydia killed my COVID, so I'm good.

00:01:30.000 Well, COVID goes away.

00:01:32.000 We think.

00:01:35.000 Fingers crossed.

00:01:36.000 Yeah, we don't know, right?

00:01:37.000 What if it's an annual thing?

00:01:38.000 It keeps coming back.

00:01:39.000 I have a friend who got malaria, and then he got malaria again when he got sick.

00:01:43.000 So it had been dormant inside of his system.

00:01:45.000 My friend Justin Wren, he runs Fight for the Forgotten.

00:01:48.000 He does charities in the Congo.

00:01:50.000 He builds wells for the pygmies. 1.00

00:01:52.000 He got malaria three fucking times. 0.99

00:01:52.000 And he's there all... 0.99

00:01:54.000 And so he goes over there, he gets malaria, like deathly ill, comes back, and then he beats it, does all the medication, and then a long time later, he gets really sick, and when he gets sick, the malaria kicks back in again.

00:01:54.000 Jesus.

00:02:06.000 And he wasn't even in the Congo.

00:02:07.000 The malaria's like, not to be forgotten.

00:02:09.000 He's like, this is a charity for me.

00:02:11.000 Malaria has killed more people than anything.

00:02:14.000 That's right.

00:02:15.000 More than wars, I think.

00:02:15.000 Like anything ever.

00:02:16.000 My dad had malaria.

00:02:18.000 He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there, and he got malaria when he was a baby, but it never came up again.

00:02:24.000 He never had any problems with it.

00:02:25.000 Jamie, didn't we look this up?

00:02:26.000 Didn't they say that, no, I fucked this up, that malaria has killed half the people who have ever died ever? 0.61

00:02:31.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:02:32.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:02:33.000 That's wild.

00:02:35.000 When we looked it up, it's been exaggerated a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people.

00:02:39.000 Let's say a quarter.

00:02:40.000 If we say a quarter, it's probably pretty...

00:02:41.000 Something like that.

00:02:42.000 Imagine that.

00:02:43.000 Just let's say 25% of all the people that have ever died, ever, have been killed by malaria.

00:02:47.000 Mosquitoes, right?

00:02:48.000 I just put this on my Twitter or my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some fucking untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades. 0.94

00:02:59.000 I saw that! 0.95

00:03:00.000 In the Everglades or in the Florida Keys?

00:03:01.000 Florida, I think. 1.00

00:03:03.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

00:03:04.000 And what is it supposed to do? 0.99

00:03:05.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:03:05.000 You get some fucking nerds. 1.00

00:03:07.000 Did you read it? 1.00

00:03:07.000 Delivering the vaccine. 1.00

00:03:08.000 I got scared.

00:03:09.000 I pulled away from it. 0.99

00:03:10.000 And then I got a text from a friend of mine who's a biologist and he was like, what the fuck are they doing? 0.99

00:03:14.000 If you're scared, now I'm really scared! 0.63

00:03:18.000 I saw you post that, and I was like, maybe I should read the article, and then I was like, reading's really challenging.

00:03:22.000 Maybe I'll just go and ask Rogan what happened.

00:03:24.000 I'm still catching up on murder hornets.

00:03:25.000 I still don't know what happened with the pee tape.

00:03:27.000 Every day is some crazy adrenalizing story.

00:03:30.000 Do you think the pee tape is real, and is it going to come out right before the election?

00:03:33.000 If it does come out right before the election...

00:03:35.000 Nobody's going to care!

00:03:35.000 But does it work now because of the mail-in thing?

00:03:38.000 People are already voting.

00:03:40.000 Right?

00:03:41.000 Right.

00:03:42.000 I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. 0.99

00:03:46.000 We're in this sort of nihilistic thing where it's like if a pee tape came out right now of Trump peeing on someone, we'd just be like... 0.99

00:03:52.000 They don't care.

00:03:52.000 Nobody cares.

00:03:53.000 People that like Trump aren't like, I like him because of how he treats women.

00:03:56.000 I like how he doesn't pee on women. 0.74

00:03:58.000 I love how women leave the room with him dry from urine. 1.00

00:04:01.000 As long as he didn't apologize, he'd be fine.

00:04:03.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:04:04.000 As soon as you apologize, you're fucked. 1.00

00:04:06.000 You can't cancel Trump. 1.00

00:04:07.000 It's like in a car accident, the first person to apologize, it's their fault, so you gotta just get out in the car accident and just be like, what the fuck, man? 1.00

00:04:13.000 What the fuck was up? 0.99

00:04:14.000 But it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault. 1.00

00:04:17.000 You're like, oh, this is the grossest.

00:04:18.000 Oh, never apologize.

00:04:19.000 You told me that your dad told you that, right?

00:04:20.000 Never apologize.

00:04:21.000 Yep.

00:04:22.000 Which you told me after I got in a car accident.

00:04:24.000 The one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was, when you're in a car accident, never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it.

00:04:29.000 But what if you actually did it?

00:04:31.000 Then you should say sorry.

00:04:32.000 If you hit somebody with your car. 0.99

00:04:34.000 No, you look at them and you go like, I'm going to sue the shit out of you. 0.99

00:04:37.000 You missing a leg? 1.00

00:04:38.000 I'm not paying for that.

00:04:40.000 Don't you think you should say sorry if you re-end someone?

00:04:43.000 Of course.

00:04:44.000 I did that.

00:04:44.000 I was thinking about you because you posted that irresistible, that book the other day.

00:04:48.000 Dude, I re-ended someone texting like a year ago and I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this behavior because I was texting and driving.

00:04:55.000 Well, you have to get the consequence, Caitlyn Jenner.

00:04:57.000 You have to become a man.

00:04:58.000 You have to transition after you do it.

00:05:00.000 Can you give me your doctor, Annie?

00:05:01.000 Well, there's no consequences.

00:05:04.000 That's how you avoid the consequences, right?

00:05:06.000 Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing.

00:05:08.000 Yeah.

00:05:09.000 It's crazy, right? 1.00

00:05:10.000 Is it Kurt that has the joke where he's like, he harvested the vagina of the woman he killed? 0.99

00:05:13.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:05:15.000 Oh my God.

00:05:16.000 That is what I miss so much.

00:05:17.000 Honestly.

00:05:18.000 And that's Kurt Metzger.

00:05:19.000 He hasn't been cancelled in a couple years.

00:05:23.000 He needs to be re-canceled.

00:05:24.000 That's such a Kurt joke. 1.00

00:05:26.000 He's gonna wake up and be like, fuck you guys, you just cancelled me. 1.00

00:05:30.000 It's a travesty that that guy's not more well known. 0.99

00:05:33.000 And every time I do podcasts with him too.

00:05:35.000 He's funny on podcasts. 0.99

00:05:36.000 He's smart as fuck. 0.99

00:05:37.000 He's really well read. 1.00

00:05:39.000 He's great.

00:05:40.000 Yeah, his ideas are very unique, funny, smart.

00:05:43.000 Something that was so important at the Comedy Store the other night is that these last six months have sort of hoodwinked me into believing that jokes are dead, that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore.

00:05:53.000 Because Twitter, we're hallucinating with all the shit we're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than it should be. 0.92

00:06:00.000 But as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I threw up. 0.99

00:06:03.000 I said the most offensive shit possible and everyone exploded and laughed and I was like, ah! 1.00

00:06:08.000 We'll fuck it back! 1.00

00:06:09.000 Oh, he's the best for that. 1.00

00:06:10.000 That little motherfucker will say the most evil shit. 1.00

00:06:13.000 No, the moment something happens, there's no too soon for, I mean, Tony's like... 1.00

00:06:17.000 No, no, no, no, not Tony!

00:06:18.000 But I don't think we're designed to just be on the internet. 0.99

00:06:20.000 If you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings and making jokes around actual people, you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real. 0.99

00:06:27.000 Well, Stanhope really said it best once. 0.99

00:06:29.000 He said, I could quit comedy, but I couldn't quit comics.

00:06:31.000 And that's what the other night was like.

00:06:33.000 I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a month or so ago, but it wasn't as fun as that night.

00:06:39.000 That night was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics just laughing at each other.

00:06:46.000 Screaming, laughing, talking over each other.

00:06:49.000 It was just like... 0.99

00:06:50.000 But it's the art form of saying shit you don't really mean and everyone knows it. 0.99

00:06:55.000 We all know, like if you say something really gross to me, I know you don't mean it and I'm laughing hard. 0.99

00:07:01.000 It's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by saying this crazy shit around me. 0.99

00:07:08.000 Because you trust me. 0.99

00:07:09.000 It's like the ultimate trust fall or something. 0.94

00:07:11.000 Like I'm going to say some crazy shit to you, you're not going to abandon me or judge me and you're going to be, it's like a trauma bond. 0.98

00:07:17.000 Trauma Bond. 0.99

00:07:18.000 That's my favorite!

00:07:20.000 That's the name of your next special.

00:07:21.000 Bond.

00:07:22.000 Trauma Bond.

00:07:23.000 I'm gonna name it.

00:07:24.000 That totally should be a special.

00:07:26.000 Trauma Bond.

00:07:26.000 That's a great name for a special.

00:07:29.000 I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like, and I'm like, Are we not friends anymore?

00:07:34.000 There's two things I said to you that I'll never forget.

00:07:36.000 I just say things when they come to my head.

00:07:40.000 If I react that way, it's because I have to react that way. 0.84

00:07:45.000 Once I was like, do you think you have CTE and you could possibly at one point murder your family? 0.94

00:07:50.000 Do you think I could? 0.85

00:07:52.000 And I was like, oh, I don't know.

00:07:54.000 Can I have a fanny pack?

00:07:56.000 But, you know, part of the fun is mock anger.

00:08:00.000 Like, what? 1.00

00:08:02.000 What the fuck did you just say to me? 1.00

00:08:03.000 It's like emotional sparring or something, you know? 1.00

00:08:06.000 And it's really fucked up because, like, just what's been going on the last couple of years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal. 0.98

00:08:13.000 Like, when people want to talk about men and women, I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me. 0.99

00:08:20.000 Not physically, because they know I can fucking take it. 0.99

00:08:23.000 And you pummel right back. 0.99

00:08:24.000 That's exactly right.

00:08:25.000 That's what's fun about it.

00:08:26.000 They're not doing it to be a bully.

00:08:27.000 They're doing it because you want to spar.

00:08:29.000 And you can handle it. 1.00

00:08:29.000 And you're like, okay, bitch. 1.00

00:08:30.000 Let's go. 1.00

00:08:31.000 And then everyone's at it.

00:08:32.000 Nobody wants you to go like, ow, and then like sulk and walk away.

00:08:35.000 That will ruin everything.

00:08:36.000 That ruins everything.

00:08:38.000 Thank you for not thinking I'm fragile.

00:08:39.000 But it is funny when you just go like a little too far.

00:08:43.000 Well, that's the risk!

00:08:45.000 Well, the pink hair thing I wrote about you, I was like, is she going to get mad at me about that?

00:08:48.000 She tweeted, we were FaceTiming last night, and she tweeted, or Instagrammed a picture of it, and she goes, Annie Letterman, you're a mess.

00:08:55.000 And I wrote, okay, pink hair.

00:08:57.000 That's nothing.

00:08:58.000 I don't know, I was just like, is she going to get offended?

00:09:00.000 I don't know.

00:09:01.000 Some people have weird Achilles heels, you know?

00:09:03.000 Some people have weird, I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time. 1.00

00:09:06.000 It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say, like, crazy shit, racist shit, but then as soon as you say, like, your dog's ugly, like, They want to fucking storm off. 1.00

00:09:14.000 And that's you, obviously. 1.00

00:09:16.000 Gross Battle was really good for comedy.

00:09:18.000 Really good for comedy.

00:09:19.000 That's where Annie and I met the first time.

00:09:20.000 Oh, should we talk about it?

00:09:23.000 Our meet-cute story?

00:09:25.000 We didn't start off on great terms.

00:09:27.000 It was okay, though.

00:09:28.000 It wasn't that bad.

00:09:29.000 You texted me so fast afterwards that I was like, it's so weird Whitney Cummings just texted me.

00:09:34.000 You are intimidating.

00:09:35.000 I am going to say that.

00:09:36.000 There's something very intimidating about you. 0.99

00:09:38.000 It's because you're showing your midriff at all times. 0.98

00:09:41.000 It doesn't matter. 0.95

00:09:42.000 All different shapes of muffins.

00:09:44.000 It doesn't matter what genre of...

00:09:45.000 I'm afraid I'm going to get tetanus from your hoops. 0.95

00:09:46.000 Well, you're confident.

00:09:47.000 That's one thing.

00:09:48.000 It's Asperger's, honestly.

00:09:50.000 There's a fear that you could be mean.

00:09:51.000 So that's what people are scared of.

00:09:53.000 That you're confident, but you might be mean.

00:09:55.000 It's like, ooh, I've got to tread lightly.

00:09:56.000 I always think the funniest thing is the truth.

00:09:58.000 You also dress.

00:09:59.000 You wear military garb.

00:10:00.000 You dress like a Navy SEAL. I do look anti-Semitic. 0.97

00:10:03.000 I'm going to be honest with these boots.

00:10:04.000 What about those boots?

00:10:05.000 You know, I just was like, should I wear sneakers or boots?

00:10:07.000 Annie's dad didn't love her.

00:10:09.000 No, my dad loved me a lot.

00:10:10.000 Too much.

00:10:11.000 Very mean.

00:10:12.000 No, not that much.

00:10:14.000 Way too much.

00:10:15.000 No, I was a teacher.

00:10:15.000 Whatever.

00:10:16.000 Now you're just bragging.

00:10:17.000 I don't want to brag, but...

00:10:19.000 No, but so I did...

00:10:21.000 It was when Jason Reitman was filming the roast battle for Sundance.

00:10:26.000 And it was me against Mike Lawrence, who's an old friend of mine.

00:10:29.000 We did mics together and stuff.

00:10:31.000 And...

00:10:32.000 You and Dane Cook were the judge.

00:10:34.000 And I remember coming out and being so excited that Dane was there because I had a joke written.

00:10:38.000 But I went, Dane, I'm such a big fan.

00:10:42.000 I'm so glad you're here.

00:10:45.000 But I'm confused.

00:10:46.000 If you're here, who's at the improv getting bumped by Chris D'Elia?

00:10:50.000 And he just went away.

00:10:52.000 I didn't expect he was going to go.

00:10:54.000 He went...

00:10:55.000 He went like, that was funny, and then he liked me afterwards, and I was scared because I was like, is he going to tell me how my jokes suck now?

00:11:01.000 But he was cool.

00:11:03.000 But then he said something else where he said to someone, you know, you're really good, you're going to be very successful, and I was like, yeah, but just don't take financial advice from Dan Cook.

00:11:10.000 He was like, don't hire his business manager.

00:11:12.000 His story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying. 0.97

00:11:17.000 Crazy. 0.73

00:11:18.000 It's crazy.

00:11:18.000 Oh my god.

00:11:19.000 Well, you said to me, I was saying, I was like, when I'm rich, I'm going to get a chef.

00:11:23.000 And you were like, keep your circle small, Annie. 0.99

00:11:25.000 You don't want a fucking chef. 0.99

00:11:27.000 You don't even want an assistant. 1.00

00:11:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:29.000 When you have an assistant, that means you do too much shit. 1.00

00:11:32.000 That's a good point. 0.99

00:11:33.000 And by the time you tell someone to do something, you could have just done it yourself.

00:11:35.000 Look, you can get lucky.

00:11:37.000 I have friends that have had assistants that wind up being their best friends, and it's great.

00:11:42.000 They're just a cool person that they met that needed a job.

00:11:44.000 But I also have friends that got sued by their assistant, and David Spade got tasered and tied up.

00:11:49.000 Almost murdered.

00:11:49.000 Almost murdered by his assistant.

00:11:51.000 His assistant was trying to kill him. 1.00

00:11:52.000 David Spade has on his bedroom door a fucking latch, like a medieval wooden latch. 1.00

00:11:59.000 And the fucked up part is it's from the outside. 1.00

00:12:01.000 So when you go in, you can't leave. 0.99

00:12:03.000 Imagine being a girl going in to hook up and he's like... 1.00

00:12:06.000 It's like, damn. 1.00

00:12:11.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

00:12:12.000 And he's a small man.

00:12:14.000 He's a tiny little guy.

00:12:15.000 So the fear of that must have been terrifying.

00:12:17.000 Yeah, and I think the assistant, he told a story.

00:12:19.000 He had overdosed on Tylenol PM or something.

00:12:23.000 And if you take enough of that, your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something.

00:12:29.000 So the guy was like hopped up and nuts.

00:12:29.000 Really?

00:12:31.000 And I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out.

00:12:34.000 I mean, it's wild.

00:12:35.000 Be careful who you give the keys to your house to.

00:12:37.000 Oh, I was going to say, be careful if you try to rob David Spade.

00:12:39.000 He's got a gun under his bed.

00:12:41.000 Or if you do, just come in slow and sneak under the bed first.

00:12:45.000 It is a water gun for his comedy bits.

00:12:47.000 But also, any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have. 0.96

00:12:53.000 Maybe.

00:12:54.000 Or maybe they just think it's a good job.

00:12:56.000 Generalizations are our business.

00:12:58.000 They're fun.

00:13:00.000 You can have a nice assistant.

00:13:01.000 You can have a nice secretary.

00:13:03.000 You can have good people you work with.

00:13:04.000 There's a lot of people that are comedy teams, and it works out great.

00:13:06.000 Look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker. 0.99

00:13:08.000 Those fucking guys have been banging it out and making awesome shit forever. 1.00

00:13:12.000 It can work. 1.00

00:13:13.000 They've been banging.

00:13:14.000 They're not out.

00:13:15.000 They're not out.

00:13:16.000 But so how do we meet it?

00:13:19.000 No, no, no.

00:13:19.000 But, you know, it's like, there's generalizations.

00:13:22.000 We always like to talk about comedy marriages.

00:13:23.000 They don't work out.

00:13:24.000 But sometimes they work out.

00:13:25.000 Yeah, Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane.

00:13:27.000 Mm-hmm.

00:13:27.000 Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane.

00:13:28.000 Oh, my God.

00:13:29.000 Tom and Christina.

00:13:30.000 Natasha and Mosha.

00:13:31.000 Yeah.

00:13:31.000 They work.

00:13:32.000 Yeah, Tom and Christina.

00:13:33.000 I'm excited to see these kids and what happens to these kids.

00:13:33.000 There's a bunch of them.

00:13:36.000 Yeah, they'll be funny.

00:13:37.000 They'll be funny kids.

00:13:38.000 Yeah, they're going to be hilarious.

00:13:39.000 Well, Rich and Bonnie's daughter just turned, I think she turned 13, Raina.

00:13:39.000 They have to be.

00:13:42.000 She is the fucking funny. 1.00

00:13:44.000 Sometimes she does their show with them. 0.99

00:13:45.000 I've known her since she was a kid.

00:13:45.000 Right.

00:13:47.000 You think I'm scary. 1.00

00:13:48.000 I'm like, your daughter's like a cunt in the good way. 1.00

00:13:51.000 She's so funny. 1.00

00:13:52.000 She's so cutting.

00:13:53.000 But I see her and I'm like, you've got to be on your toes because she's the funniest, sharpest.

00:13:57.000 She's funnier than both of them.

00:13:58.000 Can you imagine growing up in that house?

00:14:00.000 Oh my god.

00:14:00.000 Rich Ross has one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore.

00:14:05.000 This joke is just fucking killing me. 0.99

00:14:07.000 He'd go, I don't mind fucking a girl on her period. 1.00

00:14:09.000 I just pretend like I'm killing her. 1.00

00:14:12.000 Jesus Christ! 0.99

00:14:13.000 That's a perfect example.

00:14:17.000 The reason why we're laughing is because he doesn't really mean that.

00:14:19.000 That's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes. 1.00

00:14:23.000 You would go, these guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this. 1.00

00:14:26.000 Only because it's It's not real. 1.00

00:14:28.000 But also the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch true crime shit and are literally masturbating and falling asleep to a beautiful tale of murder. 0.99

00:14:39.000 Yeah, see, they watch CSI, they watch SVU, all these things. 0.99

00:14:42.000 Isn't it weird how many of those shows there are?

00:14:44.000 Tons.

00:14:44.000 People love it.

00:14:45.000 And the ones, the really dumb ones, like the CSI ones that are so clunky, like at the end, no disrespect, but you know what I'm saying. 0.98

00:14:51.000 They kind of have to be. 0.99

00:14:52.000 They're wrapping up a show in an hour.

00:14:54.000 But at the end of it, it's always like, and they catch the bad guy.

00:14:58.000 Every time, you're like, whew.

00:14:59.000 Now I can sleep.

00:15:00.000 Isn't that what was in that book, Irresistible, that you were just posting about?

00:15:03.000 Our brains are wired to need completion.

00:15:05.000 We have to get to the end of something. 0.98

00:15:07.000 Even if you're watching a shitty movie, if someone turns it off, you're like, I have to fucking know how it ends. 0.99

00:15:11.000 It sucks. 0.99

00:15:11.000 We're not edging with this movie. 0.99

00:15:13.000 No Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people.

00:15:16.000 Because the end, you're like, hey, that guy is okay?

00:15:19.000 He gets away? 1.00

00:15:20.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:15:21.000 That's a wild movie. 1.00

00:15:23.000 That's a wild movie.

00:15:24.000 I rewatched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything. 1.00

00:15:28.000 And I rewatched that shit. 1.00

00:15:30.000 That shit is insane. 1.00

00:15:32.000 The haircut is the craziest part of that movie. 1.00

00:15:34.000 His haircut's amazing.

00:15:35.000 Yeah, he is disturbing looking.

00:15:37.000 That dude is so good.

00:15:38.000 Wait, is that what I look like right now?

00:15:42.000 Wait a second.

00:15:44.000 Wait a second.

00:15:45.000 He has your eye bags with me.

00:15:46.000 That's me in 10 years when I go full Joan Rivers.

00:15:47.000 What is his name again?

00:15:49.000 Javier Bardem.

00:15:50.000 When I go full Joan Rivers.

00:15:52.000 I like how you're Javier. 0.93

00:15:52.000 I remember one time I was at the Brea Improv, high as fuck, like way too high, and I was sitting there just breathing heavy, and Joan Rivers' show came on the television, and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratio's all off, and their face isn't moving, 0.93

00:16:09.000 I was horrified. 0.97

00:16:11.000 I was sitting there just barbecued.

00:16:13.000 Watching the screen going, oh my god, this is crazy.

00:16:17.000 Well, I have a theory about plastic surgery.

00:16:19.000 If you're going to trim some off the nose, you have to put it on your chin or something.

00:16:22.000 You have a certain amount of face meat, and it has to stay on your face.

00:16:25.000 No, you're right.

00:16:26.000 There's actually a golden ratio.

00:16:28.000 The Fibonacci sequence actually applies to your face.

00:16:31.000 That's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like, your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose.

00:16:35.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 What's happening here?

00:16:37.000 Nature knows what it's doing.

00:16:38.000 There's a certain arrangement.

00:16:39.000 It's like whack-a-mole.

00:16:40.000 If you mess one thing up, you're going to have to move everything else.

00:16:43.000 But I was reading something about body dysmorphia, about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like, because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse of how other people see us.

00:16:53.000 And they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself.

00:16:57.000 That's how dysmorphic we are. 0.72

00:16:58.000 That's ridiculous, because there's videos of you. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Whoever said that's an idiot. 1.00

00:17:01.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:17:02.000 Also, I have a twin brother. 1.00

00:17:03.000 I would go, I'm right there. 1.00

00:17:04.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:17:05.000 That's me. 1.00

00:17:06.000 I'm famous.

00:17:06.000 I know what my tattoos look like.

00:17:08.000 That's what my head looks like.

00:17:09.000 But we're just so dysmorphic about what we- We have Google alerts on ourselves, okay? 0.99

00:17:13.000 People say ridiculous shit sometimes, and it kind of sort of makes sense, but it doesn't. 0.97

00:17:17.000 I remember reading once that the Native Americans, when they first saw Columbus and the people in the boats coming, They couldn't see them? 0.99

00:17:24.000 They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was. 0.99

00:17:27.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:17:28.000 They figured it out, yeah. 0.98

00:17:29.000 They could look at, how do you, like, then explain UFOs.

00:17:31.000 Right.

00:17:32.000 How do people see UFOs?

00:17:33.000 Explain asteroids.

00:17:33.000 I knew this would happen.

00:17:35.000 If you've seen an asteroid.

00:17:36.000 I knew we were coming to aliens.

00:17:37.000 Yes.

00:17:38.000 I had a feeling.

00:17:39.000 It didn't take as long as I thought it would, actually.

00:17:41.000 Whitney, you owe me $10,000.

00:17:41.000 We had a bet.

00:17:43.000 Ha ha ha!

00:17:45.000 There's no way they didn't see the boats. 1.00

00:17:47.000 That's a dumb thing. 0.97

00:17:48.000 People are like, oh wow, they didn't see the boats. 1.00

00:17:50.000 How the fuck do you know what they saw? 0.93

00:17:52.000 They saw things that look like this thing they're going to find out is called boats. 0.98

00:17:56.000 That's 500 years ago. 0.98

00:17:58.000 How the fuck do you know what they saw? 0.95

00:17:59.000 I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it, which is why we're in the situation we're in. 1.00

00:18:05.000 People want to believe crazy shit. 0.99

00:18:07.000 So when you see fake news, you're like, yeah, that happened. 1.00

00:18:10.000 You want to believe something ridiculous.

00:18:12.000 But it's also people say things like that, like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Like, oh, this guy, he's saying crazy shit. 1.00

00:18:19.000 And then you go and pay, like, that's why people say crazy shit. 1.00

00:18:21.000 There's a lot of people that are, look. 1.00

00:18:23.000 A lot of our friends.

00:18:24.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:18:25.000 But like online trolls, right?

00:18:27.000 Like, what are they doing? 1.00

00:18:27.000 They're saying crazy shit so you pay attention. 1.00

00:18:29.000 I mean, that's really what it is. 1.00

00:18:31.000 And it's addictive.

00:18:31.000 They know you get that adrenaline hit from the clickbait.

00:18:33.000 I just thought they wanted me to know I'm a fat cunt. 1.00

00:18:35.000 I didn't know that. 1.00

00:18:36.000 I thought they were just like, she's got to know she's a fat cunt. 1.00

00:18:38.000 I'm a busted cunt. 1.00

00:18:39.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:18:40.000 I have to tell her.

00:18:41.000 Has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments?

00:18:44.000 If I'm on my period, I'm filled with rage. 0.99

00:18:46.000 And then I go, oh shit. 0.99

00:18:47.000 I go, it's the red week, guys. 1.00

00:18:49.000 You still get your period.

00:18:50.000 That's good news.

00:18:51.000 Oh my god.

00:18:51.000 The red week.

00:18:52.000 Whitney, you just made yourself elderly for no reason. 1.00

00:18:55.000 We're the same age, bitch. 1.00

00:18:56.000 You're just more successful than me. 1.00

00:18:58.000 I was like, Whitney, you know, we're the same age.

00:18:59.000 You're just way more successful than me.

00:19:02.000 I think of you as being, like, 20, and I think of me as being, like, 71. Well, she had, like, a blackout segment of her life that, like, doesn't count.

00:19:09.000 Yeah.

00:19:10.000 Right?

00:19:10.000 It counts towards you being funny, but it doesn't count towards, like, life progress.

00:19:14.000 I'm five years younger than I am, because I just didn't have those years.

00:19:17.000 Yeah.

00:19:17.000 But there is footage, you know, luckily...

00:19:19.000 Drugs?

00:19:20.000 Just drinking.

00:19:21.000 Oh, got it, got it, got it.

00:19:22.000 You know, just with enough Jaeger, you can really...

00:19:24.000 Have I been with you drunk before?

00:19:25.000 I bet that's wild.

00:19:26.000 No, I quit drinking right after my first open mic.

00:19:30.000 I bet you're a hot mess. 1.00

00:19:33.000 Oh, I was fun.

00:19:34.000 They called me Fun Girl Annie, which I just realized was an insult now.

00:19:37.000 I was like, oh.

00:19:39.000 I was like, that's right, I'm fun. 1.00

00:19:40.000 And everyone's like, yeah, bitch, you're fun. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Did it, like, destroy your life? 1.00

00:19:46.000 Yeah, I would definitely be dead now, I think, if I didn't stop drinking.

00:19:49.000 And what did you drink?

00:19:49.000 Jaeger?

00:19:50.000 I loved Jaeger.

00:19:51.000 I liked whiskey.

00:19:52.000 I liked anything that was kind of like I would either be in a frat or with a grandfather.

00:19:57.000 Is it harder for clean comics when you're...

00:20:00.000 I mean, clean meaning not sober?

00:20:03.000 I have no clue what it's like to be a clean comic.

00:20:04.000 Back to this conversation again?

00:20:06.000 No.

00:20:07.000 But when you go to a bar, like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's drinking...

00:20:11.000 For me, not one minute.

00:20:13.000 That's awesome.

00:20:13.000 Not for one second.

00:20:14.000 And it's funny.

00:20:14.000 Sometimes people will be like, is it weird I'm drinking?

00:20:16.000 And I'm like, you think I would relapse with you?

00:20:18.000 I know.

00:20:20.000 By the way, if I relapse, I'm like going to throw a party.

00:20:23.000 We're going to an island.

00:20:24.000 It'll be fun.

00:20:25.000 I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage. 0.99

00:20:27.000 When I see Stan Hope up there with a fucking thing of vodka, I just would just... 0.98

00:20:30.000 Most of the time, Stan Hope drinks Bud Light, though. 0.99

00:20:33.000 So it's like water, yeah.

00:20:33.000 Oh, nice.

00:20:34.000 He drinks light beer, and he drinks it all day.

00:20:37.000 He's like, I just want to get fat.

00:20:38.000 He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk, I'm trying to get obese.

00:20:41.000 He likes to keep a mild buzz all the time.

00:20:44.000 I never want a mild buzz.

00:20:45.000 It's not a bad way to go.

00:20:47.000 Chappelle does that, too, if you notice.

00:20:49.000 Chappelle will keep a mild buzz. 0.99

00:20:51.000 And there's something about mild buzzes that really accentuate who gives a fuck comedy. 0.99

00:20:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:20:56.000 Like, come on, I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:20:58.000 Mild buzz, though, is so unattractive. 0.99

00:21:00.000 I was like, let's take a smoke break from my...

00:21:03.000 I was like, let's black the... 1.00

00:21:04.000 Like, bye, bitch! 1.00

00:21:05.000 I had no interest in being like... 1.00

00:21:08.000 Just a little loopy.

00:21:09.000 I never drank wine until the pandemic. 0.99

00:21:12.000 Because I was just fucking bored and trying shit out. 0.98

00:21:14.000 I was like, what's my personality on this and this? 0.98

00:21:16.000 And I was trying to find the best version of my personality.

00:21:19.000 And it turns out it's rosé seltzer.

00:21:23.000 It's white-clawed roofies.

00:21:26.000 So I was doing definitely ketamine, by the way.

00:21:29.000 Whitney's been date-raping herself, guys. 1.00

00:21:31.000 She's been putting herself into K-holes and then getting right in that hole. 1.00

00:21:33.000 I do K and masturbate. 1.00

00:21:35.000 The ketamine is prescribed, though. 0.99

00:21:38.000 It's prescribed, yeah.

00:21:39.000 It's like a nasal spray.

00:21:41.000 You have it here?

00:21:42.000 It's in my purse somewhere, yeah.

00:21:44.000 What's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to raves and doing it, we also nasally injected.

00:21:50.000 I mean, they're literally just...

00:21:51.000 This is a pretty trace amount.

00:21:53.000 It's not a lot, and I only do it like a couple times a week.

00:21:56.000 A couple times a week.

00:21:57.000 What does it do when you do it? 0.99

00:21:59.000 Let's do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves. 0.99

00:22:02.000 That's got his cooties on it. 1.00

00:22:04.000 It went through his arm.

00:22:05.000 Good.

00:22:05.000 I don't even think we cleaned it.

00:22:06.000 Did it really go through his arm?

00:22:07.000 Oh, I pushed it through.

00:22:09.000 And then he made you stop for a second?

00:22:10.000 Yeah, I hit a nerve the first time, then I had to back out and do it again.

00:22:13.000 I didn't want to do it.

00:22:14.000 Did the frog live?

00:22:16.000 Yeah, yeah, the frog's fine.

00:22:17.000 He shit the frog out?

00:22:18.000 He threw it up in my hand.

00:22:19.000 Do you know that there's a book called Eat That Frog that's about getting your work done in the morning?

00:22:24.000 It's just funny you literally ate the frog.

00:22:26.000 Oh, like eat it, just get it over with?

00:22:28.000 Like get the worst part done?

00:22:29.000 Annie and I have swallowed way weirder things, to be honest.

00:22:32.000 We swallowed a lot, honestly.

00:22:33.000 That's not even a sharp ice pick.

00:22:36.000 Did it make a sound at all?

00:22:37.000 No, it just was like puncturing a steak.

00:22:40.000 And it wasn't, you picked the spot that you stacked.

00:22:42.000 Well, he kind of pointed me towards his arm, like what area is a better place to go through, but it was bleeding.

00:22:47.000 Do you think it would taste like elk?

00:22:49.000 I don't think so. 0.99

00:22:50.000 I think people taste like pigs. 0.99

00:22:53.000 That's what they say. 1.00

00:22:55.000 Cannibals call people long pigs. 0.62

00:22:58.000 That's literally a nickname.

00:23:00.000 Did you notice that Blaine, whenever he would have you do something, he would first doubt himself?

00:23:05.000 It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like, no, no, it might be fake.

00:23:08.000 Test it out.

00:23:09.000 It might be fake.

00:23:10.000 Remember the frog?

00:23:10.000 It might not be a real frog.

00:23:12.000 This might be weighted.

00:23:13.000 You can see it right there.

00:23:14.000 That's where I'm going through his arm.

00:23:18.000 Whose hand is that?

00:23:19.000 That's his hand.

00:23:20.000 That's his hand.

00:23:20.000 He's like pushing on the skin.

00:23:22.000 That is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life.

00:23:24.000 He gets tanned.

00:23:25.000 He's got a lot of money.

00:23:28.000 Is there something psychological?

00:23:30.000 It's either you're very poor or you're very rich if you're tan. 1.00

00:23:34.000 Your face, Joe!

00:23:36.000 Is there something psychological about him doing that?

00:23:38.000 Like, touch it.

00:23:38.000 Maybe it's fake.

00:23:39.000 Make sure it's not fake.

00:23:40.000 Yeah, I'm sure it does that with cards.

00:23:42.000 I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you could do to overload the brain.

00:23:48.000 Okay.

00:23:49.000 Like, if you're...

00:23:50.000 Distract.

00:23:50.000 Yeah, if you're sparring with someone, or fighting, one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain.

00:23:55.000 So you're moving, you do things, you faint, you fake like you're gonna punch, then you kick them. 0.98

00:24:00.000 But what you're doing is you're fucking with their heads, you're giving them too many things to think about. 0.99

00:24:03.000 He's kind of doing that, too. 0.99

00:24:05.000 Yeah.

00:24:05.000 Like, check the cards out, and he says things, and he kind of doubts himself, and asks you if you're sure.

00:24:10.000 There's so many techniques involved in it.

00:24:11.000 But he is a master.

00:24:14.000 Amazing. 1.00

00:24:14.000 Him doing that shit... 1.00

00:24:15.000 He had... 1.00

00:24:17.000 He did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another wrist.

00:24:20.000 He couldn't do anything.

00:24:22.000 His sleeves were rolled up.

00:24:23.000 And he did a card trick for us.

00:24:24.000 So cool.

00:24:25.000 I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens, but I don't think that this counts.

00:24:30.000 But there was this guy that I knew that did that.

00:24:32.000 You're afraid you're going to get in trouble with the magic castle?

00:24:34.000 She's like, I'll never go to the magic castle again.

00:24:36.000 I'm afraid I'm going to get canceled by magicians. 0.97

00:24:37.000 Jimmy Schubert's going to be so fucking mad at me. 0.95

00:24:39.000 I don't want magicians coming for me. 0.98

00:24:41.000 But sometimes they carve holes into their hands and Like flaps of skin and that's where they put the coins underneath.

00:24:47.000 What?

00:24:47.000 Yeah, they carve little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins.

00:24:51.000 How the fuck can you carve a divot in your skin? 0.99

00:24:53.000 And then you let it heal? 0.99

00:24:54.000 Yes, it's like scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins.

00:24:57.000 What? 1.00

00:24:57.000 Crazy shit. 1.00

00:24:58.000 Come on, really? 1.00

00:24:59.000 Is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks?

00:25:02.000 Well, you'd have to become a magician.

00:25:03.000 You have to.

00:25:04.000 Yeah.

00:25:04.000 They let you in.

00:25:05.000 You gotta get in the club.

00:25:06.000 It's amazing.

00:25:07.000 Blaine was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day.

00:25:13.000 Every time he's on the phone with them, he hears...

00:25:16.000 They are athletes in a way.

00:25:17.000 Yes.

00:25:17.000 That's what I was saying to him.

00:25:18.000 I was like, the way you move your hands, it's similar to martial arts because when someone's really good at a martial arts move, they have it just, the pathway is just greased and slicked in their neurons and when they do it, it just goes.

00:25:30.000 And that was kind of him with his hands.

00:25:32.000 I was watching him move the cards around and I was like, whoa.

00:25:34.000 Like someone who plays guitar really good.

00:25:36.000 There's something about it.

00:25:37.000 Or piano.

00:25:38.000 It's fascinating.

00:25:39.000 Have you seen Kyle Dunnegan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at magic but I have good magician hands and he's like...

00:25:47.000 Have you seen Time Canceller?

00:25:49.000 Have you ever seen this new thing?

00:25:51.000 Oh my god.

00:25:52.000 He goes back in time to cancel people from the past.

00:25:56.000 He says a tweet, he says like a mildly racist tweet like, is it just me or does Indian food smell funny?

00:26:03.000 And then he has to throw himself into a wood chipper.

00:26:06.000 And so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again like the six million dollar man out of the wood chipper and then they turn him into a much more woke version of himself who's a time-canceller.

00:26:17.000 So he's part machine and he goes back in time and cancels people.

00:26:19.000 Oh my god, that's so funny. 0.97

00:26:21.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.99

00:26:23.000 It's so funny. 0.97

00:26:24.000 Dude, I miss everyone.

00:26:25.000 I do too.

00:26:25.000 I know, it sucks, dude.

00:26:26.000 It's weird to think that we saw each other every night.

00:26:29.000 I know.

00:26:29.000 Every night for 15 years.

00:26:31.000 And just talking shit, having fun and then boom, it stops. 1.00

00:26:36.000 So weird. 1.00

00:26:37.000 It's like a family being broken up.

00:26:38.000 I don't think it should have stopped.

00:26:40.000 I really don't.

00:26:40.000 I don't.

00:26:41.000 You know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions.

00:26:44.000 Well, I think that there's ways to do it.

00:26:45.000 We could do the weird social distance things, you know, where it could either be outside or it could be, you know, people are far back and spread out wearing masks.

00:26:55.000 It makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside, have socially distanced meals, but as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking...

00:27:01.000 It is a spitty job, though.

00:27:02.000 I was watching you when they changed the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark.

00:27:09.000 I was watching you from the side.

00:27:10.000 I've never seen so much spit.

00:27:13.000 It's like when the Sprinkler's kids jump through.

00:27:18.000 Droplet after droplet after droplet.

00:27:20.000 We're all Gallagher, it turns out. 0.99

00:27:21.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.99

00:27:22.000 And then... 0.99

00:27:34.000 I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones. 0.99

00:27:37.000 One time I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as fuck. 0.95

00:27:40.000 We're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together. 0.98

00:27:43.000 Davidson?

00:27:44.000 No, Segura. 0.98

00:27:46.000 I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from, you know. 0.98

00:27:51.000 You get bronchitis from a mic? 0.98

00:27:52.000 That's good for your own mic.

00:27:53.000 Yes, that's a good idea. 0.99

00:27:54.000 And I was like, my opener, everyone thought I was such an asshole and being a diva, but I was just like, dude, I can't get sick. 0.94

00:27:58.000 I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth it. 0.96

00:28:00.000 I think that, I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over. 0.97

00:28:04.000 Like, I know you think a master for pussies or whatever, but I like that. 1.00

00:28:08.000 I don't think master for pussies. 1.00

00:28:09.000 There was a burr clip that went viral. 1.00

00:28:11.000 That was me trying to talk him into talking shit. 0.99

00:28:14.000 It was the funniest. 0.99

00:28:15.000 It was very funny.

00:28:16.000 I was like, come on, you believe in that?

00:28:17.000 I wear a bandana.

00:28:18.000 I have it everywhere.

00:28:19.000 I want to get a cool one.

00:28:20.000 I'm trying to think.

00:28:20.000 Oh, wait, can I show you the masks that I'm making?

00:28:23.000 Yes.

00:28:23.000 Jay Leno would not approve of these.

00:28:25.000 I was thinking about doing a joke.

00:28:27.000 Remember when all the prisoners were released?

00:28:30.000 Is that you?

00:28:30.000 Oh, Annie!

00:28:32.000 Isn't that funny?

00:28:32.000 Do you think people buy it?

00:28:33.000 Fuck yeah, they'll buy it. 1.00

00:28:35.000 Where can they buy it? 1.00

00:28:36.000 Well, go to my website.

00:28:37.000 I'm gonna launch them.

00:28:38.000 I'm launching them this week.

00:28:40.000 You gotta do it immediately, otherwise people are gonna jump on this before you.

00:28:43.000 I'm launching it today.

00:28:44.000 When I leave, I will. 0.98

00:28:45.000 Because the problem is, when this goes up, these fucks, they'll start putting it up before you. 0.96

00:28:49.000 Well, I'm launching it today. 0.98

00:28:51.000 That's the Annie Letterman thing. 0.98

00:28:52.000 If anyone does it, Joe Rogan's gonna fucking sue you, okay? 1.00

00:28:55.000 He's going to get another $100 million suing your ass for me. 1.00

00:28:59.000 There's so many people selling bootleg shit online right now. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Isn't that funny, though? 0.99

00:29:02.000 It's bootleg everything. 0.99

00:29:03.000 Fake Purell, all that shit. 0.91

00:29:05.000 Well, bootleg shirts, there's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg, a lot of mugs and stuff that are bootleg, all these different things that have nothing to do with me with my face on it. 0.96

00:29:12.000 Guys, this is sponsored by the Joe Rogan Podcast Experience.

00:29:16.000 That's a Yeti Tumblr.

00:29:19.000 Yeti Tumblr?

00:29:20.000 Yes.

00:29:20.000 It's legit.

00:29:21.000 It's very legit.

00:29:22.000 Everything's Yeti involved with you. 0.99

00:29:24.000 Every time I'm at the comedy store and we're talking, it somehow turns into you fighting bears. 0.98

00:29:28.000 I swear to God, every conversation, we could be talking about fucking anything, and then it's like three minutes in, once you walk in, I'm like, and we're fighting bears again. 0.98

00:29:34.000 Okay. 0.99

00:29:36.000 I have a real problem.

00:29:38.000 We gotta get you a bear. 0.99

00:29:39.000 No, I don't want to have anything to do with bears.

00:29:41.000 I'm scared of nature.

00:29:42.000 Really?

00:29:43.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.99

00:29:44.000 That's why you kill it? 0.98

00:29:45.000 Well, no. 1.00

00:29:46.000 I kill it to eat it. 0.99

00:29:46.000 Do you run with a taser? 0.99

00:29:48.000 I run with a little taser now.

00:29:49.000 I carry a big knife.

00:29:51.000 Please don't run with a knife.

00:29:52.000 I've seen you play basketball.

00:29:54.000 I have a little taser.

00:29:56.000 Taser's not a bad idea, but I don't know if that'll work on an animal.

00:29:58.000 I carry nunchucks.

00:30:02.000 Paperweights that fit on your knuckles.

00:30:04.000 You carry that little taser around with you?

00:30:05.000 This whole thing with me.

00:30:06.000 Yeah, I put it in my fanny pack.

00:30:06.000 Have you ever tased yourself to see what it feels like?

00:30:08.000 No, I haven't.

00:30:08.000 I want to do it.

00:30:09.000 Should we?

00:30:09.000 We have got to get more views than David Blaine.

00:30:12.000 What if Annie dies?

00:30:13.000 What if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel? 0.92

00:30:16.000 She just falls over. 0.97

00:30:17.000 I'm like, she had so much promise.

00:30:18.000 I've been having a good week, so this is a good week to die. 0.99

00:30:22.000 For someone that used to drink Jaeger, this is going to be fucking nothing. 0.99

00:30:25.000 So that's your thing? 0.99

00:30:26.000 So when a mountain lion comes after you, you just fucking knuckle punch them with that thing? 0.99

00:30:30.000 She has to protect her dogs from you. 1.00

00:30:31.000 Wow.

00:30:31.000 It has to heat up.

00:30:33.000 They look like elk.

00:30:34.000 They're big.

00:30:35.000 And then I have that little hammer in my car.

00:30:36.000 Wait a minute.

00:30:37.000 It has to heat up.

00:30:38.000 Does it have to heat up?

00:30:38.000 I know I'm dead.

00:30:39.000 What?

00:30:39.000 Are you serious?

00:30:40.000 Hey, hold on, Bear.

00:30:41.000 Can you just hold on?

00:30:41.000 I need to heat up my taser.

00:30:42.000 Just stay there.

00:30:43.000 And we're talking about Bear Grill or whatever that guy's name is. 0.99

00:30:46.000 We're not talking about large, overweight gay men. 0.99

00:30:48.000 Don't. 1.00

00:30:49.000 Oh, God!

00:30:49.000 No, you didn't.

00:30:50.000 Did you just touch that?

00:30:51.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:52.000 That's not real.

00:30:53.000 I thought that it wasn't working.

00:30:54.000 It wasn't that bad.

00:30:55.000 It's really not that bad.

00:30:56.000 It's not that bad.

00:30:57.000 I've done my dog collars. 0.99

00:31:00.000 The bear's gonna also agree that it's not that bad, but it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them Most likely if a mountain lion even if you have a knife if a mountain lion gets you you're fucked They're just too strong. 0.99

00:31:10.000 Yeah, and they'll go straight for your face. 0.98

00:31:11.000 You want a fighting chance You want to just be able to sink something into their neck I watch The Covenant every day.

00:31:17.000 I go...

00:31:17.000 The Covenant?

00:31:18.000 Is that what it was called?

00:31:19.000 The Revenant.

00:31:20.000 I was like, what?

00:31:21.000 I gotta go, tase me, quick.

00:31:23.000 I need to come back from this.

00:31:24.000 You know, it's kind of based on a real story.

00:31:26.000 It is? 0.99

00:31:27.000 Yeah, it's a little fucked up. 0.99

00:31:28.000 I mean, they switched a lot of shit around and changed some things, but it's kind of based on a real story. 0.99

00:31:32.000 That scene was so brutal. 0.99

00:31:34.000 They were all brutal.

00:31:36.000 That was the only movie I had to take breaks from while I was watching it.

00:31:39.000 When his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid, that just destroyed me.

00:31:45.000 You are so nice.

00:31:46.000 It's so funny how nice you are.

00:31:48.000 When Joey fell, I always tell this story, Joey fell and hurt his knee at the Comedy Store one night, and Whitney was with him.

00:31:53.000 He ended up being alright, but he just tripped or whatever.

00:31:56.000 We're not going to sue you, Comedy Store.

00:31:59.000 But he was sitting on a rolling chair, and Whitney was like, and I rushed over and I went, Whitney, are you okay?

00:32:07.000 I was destroyed.

00:32:09.000 No, Joey walked into the kitchen.

00:32:10.000 You know right when you walk into the kitchen?

00:32:11.000 It's just slippy.

00:32:13.000 It's always greasy.

00:32:13.000 Something from the air fryer or something.

00:32:14.000 I don't know what it is.

00:32:15.000 It's so oily right there. 0.99

00:32:17.000 How many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? 0.99

00:32:20.000 I mean, that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings. 0.99

00:32:22.000 It's all that oil.

00:32:23.000 It's like a thick smegma on the ground.

00:32:26.000 You can feel it.

00:32:27.000 You always catch me eating the worst food.

00:32:29.000 I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like...

00:32:34.000 Just like deep throating those pretzels. 1.00

00:32:36.000 The nuts, just everything I'm eating.

00:32:38.000 Nuts are good.

00:32:39.000 Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side, right?

00:32:41.000 Joey's in front of me.

00:32:42.000 I just see him go down and my brain just went, Joey had a heart attack. 1.00

00:32:47.000 Joey had a fucking heart attack. 0.99

00:32:48.000 He goes down, his leg went behind him. 1.00

00:32:51.000 It was some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he tore, didn't he? 0.97

00:32:57.000 He tore something near his ankle. 0.98

00:32:59.000 Something like that.

00:33:00.000 Not his ACL, but something.

00:33:01.000 It was bad.

00:33:02.000 He couldn't walk.

00:33:03.000 He couldn't get up.

00:33:04.000 And if you were having a stroke or a heart attack, you don't know you're having it.

00:33:07.000 So he kept saying, like, I fell on my knee, I fell on my knee, and I was just so worried that he had a stroke.

00:33:11.000 Remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney?

00:33:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:14.000 So he's hosting The Tonight Show.

00:33:16.000 Rodney does a set, and he's like, something's off.

00:33:18.000 He's like, call the paramedics.

00:33:19.000 Yeah, his rhythm and his timing was off. 0.99

00:33:21.000 And he was joking around, kind of, but he also knew that something really was wrong, so they called the paramedics, they checked Ronnie, he did have a fucking stroke. 0.94

00:33:29.000 So he had a stroke while he was out there doing stand-up, which is crazy. 0.98

00:33:33.000 It's insane.

00:33:33.000 Didn't someone die on stage doing stand-up?

00:33:35.000 Two people have, there was a British guy, I don't know his name, who had a heart attack on stage, and then there was years ago, Jim Norton had posted a clip of it, there's a clip of it, it was a live kind of variety show, and there was this guy, I can't remember his name, I wish I remembered it, but he, um, He was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television,

00:33:56.000 and he passes out and falls out, and they're all laughing, thinking it's part of the bit, and then you see them drag him out.

00:34:01.000 But it's kind of a good way to go.

00:34:03.000 This guy?

00:34:03.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:34:04.000 Where was this?

00:34:05.000 Is that right there?

00:34:07.000 Oh, my God.

00:34:08.000 Oh.

00:34:09.000 Oh, that's how he really died?

00:34:10.000 Was it a heart attack?

00:34:12.000 Yeah, I think you died of a heart attack. 1.00

00:34:13.000 Isn't that fucked up? 1.00

00:34:14.000 Don't grab your heart while we do this. 1.00

00:34:16.000 That's my titty. 0.98

00:34:17.000 That's my titty. 0.94

00:34:17.000 My heart's right here. 0.94

00:34:18.000 Dude, I always think I was telling Whitney about this when you were like flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of the comedy store and I was like, I want to try it. 1.00

00:34:26.000 And you're like, ew, put your tits away. 1.00

00:34:30.000 It is so funny because so many people want to go female comics, male comics. 0.99

00:34:39.000 I feel like we're together, we're so weirdly genderless.

00:34:42.000 We're like brother and sister.

00:34:43.000 We were talking about that the other night.

00:34:45.000 It's a real meritocracy.

00:34:46.000 If you're funny, you're one of the Klan, and that's really all it is. 0.91

00:34:49.000 I get that it's upsetting for people on the outside.

00:34:53.000 Yes, you're not in the club. 0.99

00:34:54.000 That sucks. 0.94

00:34:55.000 A friend of mine who is a philosopher, a very smart guy, tried to explain it to me, and he's just completely independent of this. 0.97

00:35:01.000 He's like, you guys have to understand that you're little, and he's not a comic at all, he's like, this little group of people is like a walled garden.

00:35:07.000 So there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcasts.

00:35:14.000 There's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group.

00:35:19.000 So that group somehow or another disrespects you.

00:35:21.000 That group is negative or bad or mean or this or that.

00:35:24.000 And then it compounds.

00:35:26.000 Find whatever the group is.

00:35:28.000 Whatever your identity politics is.

00:35:30.000 If it's a right wing thing or a girl thing or a gay thing or a boy thing.

00:35:33.000 Sports.

00:35:34.000 Yeah, whatever it is.

00:35:35.000 They find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive and you're a suppressor or you're a bad person.

00:35:42.000 Well, it's the outward locus of control, right?

00:35:44.000 So it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you did this.

00:35:50.000 It's not like...

00:35:51.000 Because if you think about it, anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like, that's time to write jokes.

00:35:56.000 The time that you're focusing on why you don't have a thing, you have no clue what anyone's story is.

00:36:01.000 You don't know if it was easy or hard for them.

00:36:03.000 But it is a hard job.

00:36:04.000 It's not a comfortable job.

00:36:05.000 Some of the people complaining have had specials.

00:36:08.000 So you've had a chance.

00:36:10.000 You got on Comedy Central, you got on Netflix, you got somewhere, and people didn't respond. 1.00

00:36:15.000 And that's not because the comedy store is filled with assholes. 0.99

00:36:18.000 That's not what that is. 1.00

00:36:19.000 It's a fucking hard thing. 0.98

00:36:22.000 Comedy's a hard thing. 0.99

00:36:23.000 It's hard, and honestly, the harder the hallways are, the easier it is on stage.

00:36:26.000 So I was always so grateful when people...

00:36:29.000 It's fun, too.

00:36:30.000 It's fun. 1.00

00:36:30.000 You go on stage laughing at some shit someone just made fun of you about. 1.00

00:36:34.000 You try to one-up each other. 0.96

00:36:36.000 That's why Attell is the most fun person to hang out with, because he's so, like...

00:36:41.000 It never ends. 1.00

00:36:43.000 He just shows up with a fucking plastic bag of his shit. 1.00

00:36:48.000 His 7-Eleven purse. 1.00

00:36:49.000 He's got a small garbage bag he brings with him.

00:36:51.000 He's a wire hanging out.

00:36:53.000 One of the greatest comics who ever lived.

00:36:54.000 That's what I love about comics. 0.95

00:36:56.000 No matter how great, if you're a real fucking comedy story comic, you're still just who you are forever. 0.98

00:37:01.000 If you stay with your tribe. 1.00

00:37:04.000 We're lucky as fuck. 0.99

00:37:06.000 We're really, really lucky. 0.97

00:37:08.000 It's weird now.

00:37:09.000 You know, like that night when we were all hanging out doing the Comedy Store documentary, it was so much fun.

00:37:13.000 But it also was bittersweet because I left, when I was driving home, I was real emotional.

00:37:18.000 Do you remember I kept gripping you and going, don't go?

00:37:21.000 I was like, no!

00:37:23.000 I'd be in a conversation over here.

00:37:24.000 I wasn't a K-hole. 1.00

00:37:25.000 I was overdosed in a fucking K-hole. 1.00

00:37:28.000 Whitney's like, it's mental. 1.00

00:37:29.000 I'm like, I'm a cloud, bitch. 1.00

00:37:31.000 My body is a cloud. 1.00

00:37:32.000 That's not mental.

00:37:33.000 There's going to be an expose on Whitney Cummings' drugging female comics. 1.00

00:37:38.000 I'm actually the pervious person in comedy.

00:37:40.000 Listen, that was the only time in this whole COVID period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go.

00:37:44.000 It was the only time.

00:37:45.000 I was hanging out with you guys.

00:37:46.000 It was fun.

00:37:47.000 But I'm still going. 1.00

00:37:49.000 Damn it. 0.99

00:37:49.000 I was thinking, this is so rare. 0.99

00:37:52.000 How many grown adults, once you get to a certain age, you're in your 30s, you're with your friends, you don't have that kind of a life where you can go and be with your peers.

00:38:02.000 It's just so rare.

00:38:02.000 It's the funhouse.

00:38:03.000 And the store is so unusual because people that go on the road, okay?

00:38:06.000 If you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with.

00:38:09.000 You don't get to converge at a home base.

00:38:12.000 And that's what the store is.

00:38:13.000 That's what's so different.

00:38:14.000 Because you'll be one place, you'll be someplace, and I'll be that.

00:38:17.000 And then we see each other on Tuesday, like, ah!

00:38:19.000 Yeah, it's like home base.

00:38:21.000 Like no time had passed.

00:38:23.000 I'm there, guys, by the way.

00:38:24.000 I'm there the whole time.

00:38:25.000 I'm working in the kitchen serving those chicken wings.

00:38:28.000 There's something so crazy about this moment because it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in a comedy store.

00:38:35.000 I never felt like myself.

00:38:36.000 I never felt accepted.

00:38:37.000 I always felt like I was walking on eggshells.

00:38:39.000 I didn't know who I was.

00:38:39.000 It's so weird you feel that comfortable.

00:38:41.000 We hate you. 0.99

00:38:42.000 We don't like you, Whitney. 1.00

00:38:44.000 Oh my god, it's catty daddy.

00:38:46.000 Whitney! 0.99

00:38:47.000 It's so true. 0.84

00:38:47.000 I didn't think you liked me for the longest time. 0.84

00:38:49.000 Oh, we should finish that funny story.

00:38:50.000 Oh, yeah, we should finish that story.

00:38:52.000 So I do the roast battle.

00:38:54.000 Whitney's one of the judges.

00:38:56.000 And Whitney was already pissed about something. 0.99

00:38:58.000 Well, because everyone was attacking my shiny-ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery and all this shit. 0.98

00:39:03.000 But do you have a new product coming out? 0.99

00:39:03.000 But I do. 0.99

00:39:04.000 I am launching a line of face oil.

00:39:05.000 Isn't that so funny?

00:39:06.000 Isn't that the perfect thing?

00:39:08.000 It's called my shiny face. 1.00

00:39:09.000 My shiny-ass fucking face. 1.00

00:39:12.000 It's KY Jelly. 1.00

00:39:13.000 But, um, yeah, you can also fuck, yeah. 1.00

00:39:15.000 You can fuck my nose hole. 1.00

00:39:17.000 So she, okay, so Whitney was, like, she was, like, giving her assessment of my set or whatever, and she's, like, she goes, she goes, I just feel like you need to smile more, and I was, like, I was, like, smile more? 1.00

00:39:29.000 I was, like, what is this in the streets?

00:39:31.000 Like, I was, like, and I was, like, in a hyper, like, fight mode, and I was, like, smile more?

00:39:36.000 I was just, like.

00:39:36.000 Whoa, Streets of Albuquerque came out.

00:39:38.000 Streets of fucking Santa Fe. 0.99

00:39:40.000 No, Philly. 1.00

00:39:40.000 Suburbs of Philly first. 1.00

00:39:43.000 But Whitney, you texted me the next day.

00:39:46.000 You're like, hey, it's Whitney Cummings.

00:39:47.000 I'm sorry if I offended you.

00:39:48.000 I was at the mall.

00:39:50.000 I was like, Whitney.

00:39:51.000 I was like, can I take a break?

00:39:52.000 I was working at Hot Topic.

00:39:54.000 And I was like, a famous person's texting me.

00:39:57.000 No, but you texted me and it was so sweet.

00:39:59.000 I was like, please don't cancel me.

00:40:00.000 Please don't talk to a reporter.

00:40:02.000 No, but it was very nice.

00:40:03.000 And then I just texted you back and I was like, yeah, I just...

00:40:08.000 And I went, when you were judging, I went, Whitney, I was molested, I don't smile, and you were like, we were all molested!

00:40:18.000 And then I was worried that I was, like, silencing her because she was like, sorry, Whitney, I'm molested.

00:40:22.000 Whitney, the text from you are so funny.

00:40:24.000 This is what I love about you.

00:40:25.000 One time we were talking in the back at the, we were in the green room and in the main room and you go, we're talking about rape or something.

00:40:32.000 And you go, and you go, you go, you go, I'm sorry, I'm not listening to anything you're saying.

00:40:37.000 I'm just thinking about whether my face is shiny.

00:40:39.000 I'm like, it is. 1.00

00:40:40.000 You know the answer, bitch. 1.00

00:40:42.000 And then you text me the next day or you call me and you're like, I'm so sorry, were you talking about being raped? 1.00

00:40:47.000 And I started talking about my face.

00:40:48.000 You come to a complete circle.

00:40:52.000 You're always working whatever step that is. 0.99

00:40:55.000 Whatever fucking step that is, you're always working it. 0.99

00:40:58.000 So no problems there. 0.98

00:41:00.000 But I accidentally, I was looking at the thing you had texted me and I said something.

00:41:05.000 I accidentally sent a voice memo to you. 0.99

00:41:08.000 Talking shit on another female comedian. 1.00

00:41:10.000 Like, trashing a female comedian. 1.00

00:41:13.000 And it sent the voice, like, my finger hit, and I was so embarrassed.

00:41:17.000 You sent it to me. 1.00

00:41:18.000 Talking shit on another, but you wouldn't have thought it was about you. 1.00

00:41:21.000 I said her name and everything, but it was just, like, so crazy that I was then voice memoing you being, like, this fucking bitch. 1.00

00:41:28.000 And then, um... 1.00

00:41:29.000 Voice memos are odd.

00:41:30.000 Because it's, like, I don't have voicemail. 1.00

00:41:32.000 Like, if you call me voicemail, it just goes to fuck you. 1.00

00:41:35.000 It just, like, goes to the ether. 1.00

00:41:36.000 Do you have voice female? 1.00

00:41:37.000 But voice memos.

00:41:38.000 It's a callback to the other night.

00:41:40.000 It's a callback to the other night.

00:41:41.000 Tweet it.

00:41:43.000 Anyway.

00:41:45.000 But those voice memos that people send, they're odd because you have to listen.

00:41:50.000 It's like if you send me a text, I can go 830. Got it.

00:41:53.000 Well, Spade always does the voice memos.

00:41:55.000 I think it's because he doesn't want to put his readers on.

00:41:57.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:41:58.000 Well, it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it, you're like, why the fuck do you keep that? 0.80

00:42:02.000 Oh, you could tell if someone keeps it?

00:42:04.000 Yes, it says kept or saved.

00:42:05.000 That was the cutest.

00:42:07.000 You just went, yes!

00:42:08.000 That was cute.

00:42:09.000 I'm sexy.

00:42:09.000 Listen, experiment with it.

00:42:11.000 It's kind of Mission Impossible that it disappear.

00:42:12.000 I like that they go away.

00:42:13.000 It's fun.

00:42:17.000 I think it's more bond, trauma bond.

00:42:19.000 I will say, though, when you go, I feel like our text chains, like comedians' text chains, if they ever get out, we're all going to get canceled.

00:42:26.000 There's one time I was like, we should all delete these.

00:42:29.000 There was one where we got so ridiculous. 0.90

00:42:31.000 But you've also got too famous. 1.00

00:42:33.000 I'm like, you guys, we can't text Joe certain shit. 0.98

00:42:36.000 No, I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again. 0.99

00:42:40.000 Oh, yeah!

00:42:42.000 He's uncancellable!

00:42:43.000 He's gone past it!

00:42:44.000 Now it's like, yes!

00:42:46.000 Because there are times where I want to send something and I'm like, I don't know, Joe's on this chain.

00:42:49.000 I feel like he's just too famous for this. 0.99

00:42:51.000 You should see the shit Segura sends me. 0.99

00:42:53.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:42:54.000 I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser.

00:42:56.000 It's this girl fisting herself, but in the most preposterous way where you're like, what? 0.69

00:43:02.000 Well, is there a way that's not preposterous? 0.65

00:43:04.000 No, no, no, this is a different thing.

00:43:07.000 Is fisting real?

00:43:08.000 Oh, I'll show you.

00:43:08.000 But you know what it is?

00:43:10.000 It's this.

00:43:11.000 That's right, that's right.

00:43:12.000 It's putting all your fingers together.

00:43:13.000 It's not like a punch.

00:43:15.000 You go in.

00:43:15.000 Jamie, you've been fisted.

00:43:17.000 Tell us.

00:43:18.000 Here you go.

00:43:19.000 I'm sending your reactions for this video.

00:43:24.000 Wait, hold on, hold on.

00:43:27.000 Your face!

00:43:28.000 Hold on, hold on.

00:43:29.000 Oh my god, it's me.

00:43:32.000 Oh no!

00:43:33.000 This girl... 0.94

00:43:34.000 Oh no!

00:43:34.000 Just stole your act, Annie.

00:43:35.000 Just stole my fisting act. 0.84

00:43:37.000 Preposterous is the right word, right?

00:43:38.000 Well, it's gotta hurt.

00:43:39.000 Why are you punching yourself? 0.76

00:43:40.000 She's like a bruised cervix. 0.99

00:43:42.000 I don't think it is, but... 0.99

00:43:44.000 A bruised-ass cervix. 0.99

00:43:45.000 Anything that's fucked up like that, Tom Segar will send it to me. 0.99

00:43:48.000 It looks like the opposite of having a baby. 0.99

00:43:49.000 I know! 1.00

00:43:51.000 You guys send me the most fucked up shit and I'm like, I'm so going to jail for this. 1.00

00:43:55.000 But you're not. 1.00

00:43:55.000 I think that's legal. 1.00

00:43:56.000 I'm pretty sure that's legal.

00:43:57.000 No, it's not.

00:43:58.000 You don't actually...

00:43:59.000 We have to be very clear.

00:44:00.000 You don't actually get things that could send you to jail.

00:44:02.000 You know, but here's the thing.

00:44:03.000 We're kidding!

00:44:04.000 Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff. 0.98

00:44:07.000 That's why they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was, you know, that's why they prosecuted the two live crew.

00:44:15.000 Like it's like Broward County, Florida.

00:44:17.000 Like they go after people.

00:44:19.000 What is that?

00:44:19.000 There was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography.

00:44:25.000 There was this guy who was like known to be like ultra disgusting. 0.99

00:44:29.000 Like the stuff that he did was like super abusive and like he would open up girls assholes like with a speculum and then piss inside of them and like crazy. 0.99

00:44:38.000 It kinda sounds like it would feel good. 0.99

00:44:39.000 If I'm being real, it's like warm.

00:44:41.000 Which is wrong.

00:44:42.000 Depends on how much beer he had.

00:44:43.000 It's wrong.

00:44:44.000 Max Hardcore.

00:44:45.000 Yeah, so that guy.

00:44:45.000 So he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by a Tampa, Florida jury.

00:44:51.000 And so they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene.

00:44:56.000 It's like they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law. 1.00

00:45:03.000 So they put him in fucking jail. 0.99

00:45:05.000 Jesus, I'm like, just... 0.99

00:45:06.000 So I don't know if there was...

00:45:09.000 You see, that's the thing. 0.99

00:45:10.000 If you're doing that kind of shit, are you making people sign releases? 1.00

00:45:13.000 Do they know that you're going to do that kind of shit? 1.00

00:45:15.000 Are they going to arrest the girl that's punching her fist into her pussy too? 1.00

00:45:18.000 Which, by the way, I feel like she could get out of jail. 1.00

00:45:20.000 She could slide through. 0.83

00:45:21.000 She could punch and then slide through the... 1.00

00:45:23.000 She would kill it in jail. 1.00

00:45:25.000 She'd be fine. 0.99

00:45:28.000 But then the other perspective is, okay, what if this is your 18-year-old daughter who gets off of a Greyhound bus and meets this guy, and she has no idea what she's about to do, and she thinks she's going to do just like a sex movie, and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and punching her in the face. 0.98

00:45:43.000 There was all kinds of... 0.59

00:45:44.000 I don't know if he punched her, but you know what I mean.

00:45:45.000 Is that what the pee tapes are going to be?

00:45:47.000 Do you think the pee tapes are real?

00:45:49.000 I just don't care.

00:45:50.000 Have you ever had a guy try to pee on you?

00:45:51.000 No, but I had like one guy that I was like, it was like the guy that we weren't, we were just going to like do the things that we'd never done.

00:45:58.000 And we just ended up not liking each other so we didn't bang again.

00:46:00.000 But I was like, I would let you pee on me.

00:46:02.000 Do the things you've never done, what?

00:46:03.000 Like kiss on the mouth?

00:46:04.000 Yeah.

00:46:05.000 Make eye contact.

00:46:06.000 He said I love you into my face.

00:46:08.000 Like tell the truth.

00:46:11.000 Programmed each other's numbers into our phones.

00:46:13.000 I had a guy pee on me once.

00:46:15.000 He really wanted to pee on me, and I was like, fine.

00:46:16.000 And I started dying laughing.

00:46:18.000 Were you guys in the bathroom or in the bed?

00:46:20.000 It was in the shower.

00:46:21.000 Oh, I've been peeing on in the shower. 0.96

00:46:23.000 You pee on people.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, of course.

00:46:24.000 That's funny, though.

00:46:25.000 But he was trying to get on my face.

00:46:26.000 It was supposed to be sexual. 0.93

00:46:28.000 It was supposed to be sexual. 0.97

00:46:29.000 But then the sheen from your face just slipped it off.

00:46:33.000 He ricocheted back on him.

00:46:35.000 He was blinded by the mirror that is my forehead.

00:46:38.000 You know how when water gets on Vaseline, it just beats up?

00:46:44.000 I damaged his retina from my lewd up face.

00:46:47.000 And as soon as it started, I could not stop laughing and I ruined the moment. 0.98

00:46:50.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.94

00:46:51.000 Ruin the moment? 0.99

00:46:52.000 You made the moment.

00:46:52.000 That's the only thing good about that moment was you laughing at him.

00:46:55.000 There's no ruining that.

00:46:58.000 He's pissing in your face.

00:46:59.000 It's so funny.

00:47:00.000 Just the fact that he wants to do it.

00:47:02.000 The best way out is you making fun of him.

00:47:04.000 And I can't tell if guys are doing it because they've seen it in porn or they're actually into it.

00:47:08.000 It's got to be like a pheromone thing or something.

00:47:10.000 So why do they want to pee on us?

00:47:11.000 Don't they want us to pee on them? 1.00

00:47:12.000 Coming on the face, guys really want to do it. 0.96

00:47:14.000 I think it's like a humiliation thing.

00:47:15.000 They want to degrade you.

00:47:17.000 I think they want you to like it.

00:47:19.000 Interesting.

00:47:19.000 They want you to want them to do it.

00:47:21.000 You're so over the top, crazy sexual. 0.97

00:47:23.000 I think that's why it exists in porn. 0.99

00:47:25.000 The humiliation thing, maybe sometimes.

00:47:28.000 Maybe sometimes, but I think not always.

00:47:30.000 I don't think it's just that.

00:47:31.000 I think it's like a, wow!

00:47:33.000 I hate it.

00:47:33.000 I don't hate it, but then once it happens, you're like, this is like...

00:47:37.000 Here's my thing.

00:47:37.000 If you're gonna come on my face, you better not miss.

00:47:41.000 Don't get my hair.

00:47:42.000 Do not make me wash my hair again.

00:47:43.000 No, you better not embarrass yourself.

00:47:45.000 I don't want to have to bob and weave to catch it.

00:47:48.000 Like a dog with a treat.

00:47:51.000 I'm Marshall all of a sudden.

00:47:53.000 It's just weird when it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more than enough.

00:47:58.000 Dudes definitely jizz and have their dogs catch it. 1.00

00:48:01.000 That is gross. 0.80

00:48:03.000 I just thought it and I know it's gotta be.

00:48:05.000 For sure, somebody.

00:48:06.000 Somebody's done that.

00:48:07.000 Isn't that funny that the amount of load is important?

00:48:11.000 Well, I used to, the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street.

00:48:17.000 It's David Blaine, by the way.

00:48:18.000 It was a magic trick.

00:48:19.000 No, but I used to hear these women, there was like a show on VH1, these like rock stars wives who would always make their husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they'd have- They wanted to see how much cum there was? 1.00

00:48:34.000 How much cum they had, but that's not how it works.

00:48:36.000 Is that science? 0.75

00:48:37.000 That's hilarious.

00:48:37.000 I like that.

00:48:38.000 That is so hilarious. 0.99

00:48:40.000 If you want to see how much your husband jerks off, you should always leave the Build-A-Tan lotion. 0.98

00:48:46.000 Put it in a lotion bottle and you can see how dark it is. 0.97

00:48:48.000 Those are rookies.

00:48:50.000 Who uses the lotion? 0.98

00:48:53.000 If you really need that, then you really shouldn't be jerking off. 0.98

00:48:56.000 I'm sure you have some sort of... 1.00

00:48:57.000 There's jerking off when it's a compulsion and you need lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass. 1.00

00:49:02.000 And there's jerking off because you're actually horny. 1.00

00:49:04.000 I didn't know about this vibrator up the ass thing. 1.00

00:49:06.000 Well, you don't go online. 0.99

00:49:07.000 I have a taser.

00:49:08.000 I can use the taser. 1.00

00:49:09.000 You taser my pussy! 1.00

00:49:10.000 Right when you're about to go... 1.00

00:49:11.000 Just imagine if that...

00:49:14.000 Because, you know, they do that to mules, actually.

00:49:17.000 What? 1.00

00:49:17.000 Yeah, when they want to extract sperm from them, they actually stick a cattle prod up their asshole and they just shoot. 1.00

00:49:24.000 Oh my gosh. 1.00

00:49:25.000 I know that because of Fear Factor.

00:49:27.000 That's someone's job.

00:49:28.000 No, because of Fear Factor.

00:49:29.000 We made people drink Donkey Kong.

00:49:31.000 Did you ever drink the bad stuff?

00:49:33.000 Did you ever taste it?

00:49:33.000 I didn't drink that, but I ate a bunch of things.

00:49:36.000 I ate a cockroach, a Madagascar, giant hissing cockroach. 1.00

00:49:40.000 I ate a tomato hole.

00:49:41.000 And it popped in your mouth?

00:49:42.000 Oh, it destroyed.

00:49:43.000 It just was all chewy.

00:49:46.000 Did it taste good at all?

00:49:47.000 No, but it didn't taste bad.

00:49:48.000 Is it alive? 0.99

00:49:49.000 It's a mindfuck, yeah. 1.00

00:49:51.000 It's a mindfuck. 1.00

00:49:52.000 It doesn't taste bad. 1.00

00:49:54.000 It's almost like tasteless.

00:49:55.000 No big deal.

00:49:56.000 The legs are what get me.

00:49:57.000 Yeah, but it's basically a lobster.

00:49:59.000 A lobster is a bug.

00:50:01.000 It's not much different.

00:50:02.000 It really isn't.

00:50:03.000 It's all just in your head.

00:50:04.000 It's psychological because we think of cockroaches as just being...

00:50:06.000 I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad.

00:50:08.000 I was holding it.

00:50:09.000 I was trying to take a picture and I dropped it.

00:50:11.000 And then when I picked it up, it was... 0.99

00:50:14.000 Foaming and shitting and pissing. 1.00

00:50:16.000 I murdered it before I murdered it. 1.00

00:50:18.000 This is how Fear Factor got canceled. 1.00

00:50:19.000 They had to play horseshoes and either they drunk a giant glass of donkey cum or a giant glass of donkey piss. 0.99

00:50:29.000 It's interesting. 0.99

00:50:30.000 All the men wanted to drink the donkey piss. 1.00

00:50:33.000 The girls wanted to drink the cum. 1.00

00:50:34.000 Yeah, we're used to that. 0.98

00:50:35.000 They actually thought it was easier.

00:50:36.000 That's not a big deal.

00:50:36.000 This goes right down.

00:50:37.000 I know, but I thought it was stunning.

00:50:39.000 Protein? 0.99

00:50:40.000 These girls were drinking giant beer steins of cum. 1.00

00:50:43.000 I'm going to puke. 1.00

00:50:44.000 The belly button rings are so funny.

00:50:45.000 And I had to talk them into it, so I'm talking them through this while they're doing it.

00:50:50.000 This is where it got the show canceled.

00:50:53.000 But were the ratings bananas?

00:50:57.000 No, they never made it on the air because TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the...

00:51:03.000 There's two times where I told them don't do it, the people that were running the show.

00:51:07.000 One time was they were bull riding and they were like, don't worry, it's stunt bulls.

00:51:11.000 I go, that bull does not know it's a stunt bull. 1.00

00:51:13.000 That's a fucking bull, man. 1.00

00:51:14.000 I saw the animal that these people got on, and one of them was a girl. 1.00

00:51:17.000 She was like 95 pounds. 1.00

00:51:19.000 And that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist. 1.00

00:51:24.000 Like a pillow. 1.00

00:51:26.000 That sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 pounds. 1.00

00:51:28.000 I'm glad she got hurt. 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 21, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1529 - Whitney Cummings & Annie Lederman

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript