The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #259 - Mike Birbiglia

00:00:02.000 Hey everybody, it's Joe Rogan, and this is my podcast.

00:00:15.000 And this is the new way I'm going to do my commercial now. 0.97

00:00:18.000 Because I can't keep saying it the same fucking way. 0.97

00:00:21.000 But it turns out the regular way halfway through it. 0.99

00:00:23.000 Somewhere along the line, I give up.

00:00:25.000 I always give up.

00:00:27.000 Our podcast is sponsored by Onnit, which is essentially a vitamin, supplement, and fitness company.

00:00:33.000 It's a company that I am a part of.

00:00:36.000 I own a part of the company.

00:00:37.000 The reason being that I got involved in it and I believe in the ethics of the company and I believe what they're selling.

00:00:44.000 We sell the best quality nutrients.

00:00:46.000 Some of them are nootropics.

00:00:48.000 Some of them are sports exercise ones like Shroom Tech Sport.

00:00:52.000 Alpha Brain is the famous nootropic one.

00:00:55.000 We also sell hemp protein powder with maca and raw cocoa. 0.99

00:00:59.000 It's fucking fantastic stuff. 0.99

00:01:02.000 Kettlebells and battle ropes. 0.99

00:01:04.000 It's all essentially fitness and lifestyle and health supplements.

00:01:10.000 It's all stuff that I believe in.

00:01:12.000 It's all stuff that I've always been taking long before I ever got involved in this company.

00:01:18.000 So if you're interested in it, if you're interested in nootropics, a very controversial area, I want you to just go to Google and just Google the word nootropics.

00:01:27.000 N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C. It's all about supplementation to enhance your brain's ability to produce neurotransmitters.

00:01:36.000 It's all very complicated stuff.

00:01:38.000 That's what I need. 0.94

00:01:39.000 A retard like me should not be really talking about it because I don't really know what I'm saying. 0.87

00:01:43.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:01:44.000 I'm just repeating scientific shit that I've read. 0.95

00:01:46.000 But I believe that if you believe in it, I actually would take that to heart because you actually don't really... 0.94

00:01:53.000 I mean, I don't know your finances, but you don't seem like you need a lot of money.

00:01:56.000 You were on a network...

00:01:57.000 You hosted a network TV show for a lot of years.

00:02:00.000 You were a star of talk radio, news radio and everything. 1.00

00:02:03.000 Well, I'm also an idiot. 0.99

00:02:04.000 I could have spent that money. 1.00

00:02:08.000 He's got gold boudos.

00:02:12.000 I would never get involved with anything that I don't believe in.

00:02:15.000 I just wouldn't.

00:02:16.000 I don't have another life to live.

00:02:19.000 I've got one.

00:02:20.000 And while I'm already ahead and I'm not worried about paying my bills and everything's going well, the last thing I want to do is get involved in anything that I didn't really.

00:02:30.000 That's not true, though, because I did do Fear Factor again for another term.

00:02:33.000 But you've got to realize I really like those guys that I worked with.

00:02:36.000 And you're good at it, too, by the way.

00:02:38.000 And I would be sick if I saw somebody else doing it.

00:02:41.000 I really would have.

00:02:42.000 Even though that show was retarded, that was my baby. 1.00

00:02:44.000 I did 148 of those fucking things. 0.99

00:02:48.000 But there's no way I would be involved in a company unless I believed in it. 0.99

00:02:52.000 And everything that we sell it on it is all stuff that I use in my daily life that I've talked about long before I got involved in this company.

00:02:58.000 Especially kettlebells, which I feel are the best as far as strength and conditioning.

00:03:04.000 If I had to pick one exercise, I think kettlebells is the best piece of exercise equipment that you can have.

00:03:10.000 It's like a cannonball that's got a handle on it. 0.99

00:03:12.000 And it's all about controlling this fucking cannonball. 0.99

00:03:16.000 And they come in a bunch of different sizes. 0.99

00:03:17.000 I use sometimes as light as 35 pounds, sometimes 50 pounds, sometimes 70 pounds.

00:03:22.000 And they give you amazing workouts that directly apply to jujitsu for me.

00:03:27.000 But for any athletic endeavor where it relies on explosiveness and muscle power, And it's all exercises that make your body move as one complete unit.

00:03:37.000 As opposed to like isolation exercises, which a lot of people do at the gym when you see them lifting weights.

00:03:42.000 This is something where your entire body, like there's things called Turkish get-ups, where you hold this weight up, you're lying on your back, and then you slowly and controlledly stand all the way up to your feet, And then bring it all the way back down. 0.85

00:03:54.000 It's a really odd thing, you would think, but it's really applicable for strength and fitness in real-world athletic pursuits and even just for picking shit up and even just for having a strong body. 0.99

00:04:05.000 It's better to have a strong body than a weak-ass bitch body. 1.00

00:04:09.000 There, I said it. 1.00

00:04:11.000 Unless you date girls that are bisexual, they tend to like the bitch body look. 1.00

00:04:16.000 Do they really like that? 1.00

00:04:18.000 Do girls who are bisexual and they're like a guy that's not guy-like? 0.88

00:04:21.000 Right.

00:04:22.000 That's too much of a gamble, though.

00:04:23.000 That's my secret.

00:04:24.000 Yeah, you're going to gamble for a niche market?

00:04:27.000 I'd say you could probably get them anyway if you bulked up.

00:04:29.000 Yeah.

00:04:30.000 I don't know.

00:04:32.000 Anyway, supplements.

00:04:33.000 Go to onnit.com, use the codename BROGAN, and you will save 10% off any and all the supplements. 0.97

00:04:39.000 The kettlebells and the battle ropes, that shit does not work on. 0.58

00:04:42.000 We sell them as cheap as we can, and they're You know, especially with the kettlebells, it's very difficult. 0.99

00:04:46.000 It's like you're sending cannonballs through the mail. 0.99

00:04:48.000 But they're as durable as fuck, and they'll be here forever. 0.99

00:04:50.000 All right, that's it. 0.99

00:04:51.000 Mike Birbiglia is here.

00:04:55.000 Birbiglia.

00:04:55.000 Excuse me.

00:04:56.000 Mike Birbiglia is in the fucking house. 1.00

00:05:03.000 Sorry, these commercials are brutal. 1.00

00:05:12.000 It's interesting to me, though.

00:05:13.000 It's something that I've never investigated.

00:05:18.000 I've always just kept at arm's distance the nutrients and the vitamins and things like that.

00:05:25.000 I don't understand it.

00:05:27.000 I'm not going to go near it.

00:05:28.000 But you, and I've listened and watched this podcast, you seem to know a good bit about it.

00:05:34.000 Well, I know from my personal experience, it makes a big difference for me what I eat.

00:05:39.000 If I really concentrate on the most important thing, I think, is nutrients from food.

00:05:45.000 That's the most important thing.

00:05:46.000 You've got to eat healthy food.

00:05:47.000 And then supplementation on top of that, but you have to have the actual nutrients.

00:05:51.000 So what do you eat for lunch today?

00:05:53.000 This morning I had a hemp protein shake.

00:05:55.000 I only ate once.

00:05:57.000 I just had a hemp protein shake with banana coconut oil and I had two cigarettes and coconut water.

00:06:04.000 Yeah, no, I don't eat I don't eat heavy in the mornings.

00:06:07.000 I eat really light in the morning.

00:06:09.000 I usually just have a shake or have a kale shake.

00:06:13.000 That's my most common thing that I have.

00:06:15.000 I'm just if I'm lazy or if I'm running out the door I don't have time to make it.

00:06:18.000 I But it takes a few minutes to make.

00:06:20.000 I have to clean the kale and clean celery and clean cucumbers.

00:06:23.000 And then I take chunks of ginger and raw garlic.

00:06:26.000 And there's a thing called a...

00:06:29.000 What is the name of the blender?

00:06:30.000 It's a badass blender, but it's specifically designed for this purpose.

00:06:35.000 It's got a plunger, and you shove everything in there.

00:06:37.000 Vitamix.

00:06:38.000 Vitamix, yes.

00:06:39.000 That is it.

00:06:40.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:06:41.000 It fucking whips it down to a drinkable consistency. 0.99

00:06:45.000 You put pineapple in it to make it taste good. 1.00

00:06:48.000 It's fucking great, man. 0.99

00:06:50.000 It doesn't taste that good, but for your body, it's great. 0.99

00:06:53.000 It gives you this charge of good stuff.

00:06:57.000 It's like your body knows it's got all these nutrients to work with.

00:07:01.000 But isn't there an inherent contradiction with...

00:07:04.000 Because I know that you do the Ultimate Fighting stuff.

00:07:10.000 Yeah.

00:07:10.000 Is that what it is?

00:07:11.000 Is that what it's called?

00:07:12.000 Yeah, it's called the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

00:07:14.000 But that seems to be people murdering people.

00:07:17.000 Like other people slamming on you and making it so that your health is no longer a possibility.

00:07:24.000 You can look at it that way, and that is certainly part of it, but what it also is is competition in the highest and most dramatic form that a human being can see other than war.

00:07:36.000 Right, the way the Olympics is.

00:07:37.000 I mean, it's not the healthiest thing to be an Olympic gymnast.

00:07:40.000 Yeah, maybe, but this is even worse because this is another person dominating you. 0.97

00:07:45.000 You know, the idea of losing in gymnastics is, you know, I'm sure a cruel bitch after years and years of practice and you slip when you land. 1.00

00:07:53.000 But it's nothing like getting your ass kicked. 1.00

00:07:55.000 There's nothing like getting just the fuck beat out of you in front of the world. 1.00

00:08:00.000 And there's the emotions that are involved in the show of control. 0.98

00:08:05.000 The place to look is to look at the very, very best guys.

00:08:09.000 If you look at the guys like Anderson Silva, he's this insanely good fighter.

00:08:16.000 Insanely good, but such a nice guy.

00:08:19.000 Like a sweetheart of a guy.

00:08:21.000 Always laughing and always joking. 0.98

00:08:23.000 He's just controlled all of his demons and all of his bullshit with the most intense form of competition physically available. 0.99

00:08:32.000 That makes sense. 0.99

00:08:33.000 There's a lot going on that people don't see. 1.00

00:08:35.000 They see people just kicking people's asses. 0.99

00:08:38.000 It's not just that. 1.00

00:08:40.000 There's a whole...

00:08:42.000 Sigh to the cure.

00:08:44.000 We are.

00:08:44.000 I'm not even kidding.

00:08:46.000 I swear when I say I'm from Shrewsbury, people say you're from where Spags is.

00:08:50.000 I think there was a gig there.

00:08:51.000 I think that's why I'm remembering it.

00:08:53.000 I think it was one of those Boston comedy gigs.

00:08:55.000 Did you ever work for Boston comedy?

00:08:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:08:58.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:08:59.000 Well, there was an Aku Aku in Worcester.

00:09:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:02.000 I grew up driving by the Aku Aku where it would say comedy night.

00:09:06.000 Yeah, was that a Knicks comedy stop?

00:09:08.000 Yeah.

00:09:09.000 Is it still in Nick's Comedy style?

00:09:10.000 I don't know, actually.

00:09:11.000 And then there's Giggles out there in Saugus.

00:09:14.000 That's Mike Clark's.

00:09:15.000 I never did that.

00:09:16.000 I like Mike Clark.

00:09:17.000 It's got a great pizza place.

00:09:18.000 Really?

00:09:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:19.000 Pizza's great.

00:09:20.000 It's right next door.

00:09:21.000 Massachusetts pizza's very underrated.

00:09:22.000 Very underrated.

00:09:23.000 It's Greek pizza.

00:09:24.000 It's good.

00:09:25.000 Giggles was a great gig. 0.98

00:09:26.000 Mike Clark is Lenny Clark's brother.

00:09:28.000 Yeah, I know. 0.99

00:09:29.000 Fucking great guy. 0.97

00:09:30.000 Nice guy, yeah. 0.99

00:09:31.000 Oh, he's the best.

00:09:32.000 But we had...

00:09:32.000 In my town, Shrewsbury, a very small town, we had...

00:09:36.000 I had four pizzerias within a half mile.

00:09:38.000 Shoesbury Pizzeria, Village Pizzeria, Dean Park, and White City.

00:09:42.000 I thought that Massachusetts pizza was really good until I moved back to New York.

00:09:45.000 And then I realized there's a few places like in Yonkers.

00:09:49.000 There's a place in White Plains called Nicky's, Nicky's Pizzeria. 0.97

00:09:53.000 They have a white pizza that is so fucking good. 0.95

00:09:57.000 It's like, how come they can't make this anywhere else? 0.98

00:10:00.000 Why is this not in California?

00:10:03.000 In my movie Sleepwalk With Me, there's a pizza pillow.

00:10:08.000 There's a pillow made of pizza as a prop, and it was done by Roberta's, which is in Brooklyn and is fantastic.

00:10:16.000 Check out Roberta's if you can. 0.98

00:10:18.000 Yeah, there's some legit old-school New York pizzerias that just can't be fucked with. 0.99

00:10:23.000 They're artisans. 0.99

00:10:25.000 Arturo's on Houston's like that.

00:10:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:27.000 There's a lot of them, man.

00:10:28.000 There's a lot of them.

00:10:29.000 John's is like that.

00:10:30.000 I just remember a place in Yonkers.

00:10:32.000 I don't even remember the name of it, but my friend used to know.

00:10:35.000 It was like his buddy's dad ran it for 100 years.

00:10:42.000 It just was ridiculously good, thin crust pizza.

00:10:46.000 This is just some weird place.

00:10:48.000 You look on the outside. 0.99

00:10:50.000 If everybody knew about this, it'd be a fucking mile-long line. 0.99

00:10:55.000 You go to that Pink's Hot Dog's. 0.99

00:10:57.000 Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever seen?

00:10:59.000 Yeah.

00:10:59.000 Because they cook the hot dogs at night, or outside rather, just this giant line of people who are basically waiting to get a very mediocre hot dog.

00:11:07.000 Yeah.

00:11:08.000 But this pizza is just...

00:11:09.000 I love that phrase.

00:11:10.000 If everybody knew about this...

00:11:12.000 That's like the thing that they say in advertising rooms.

00:11:17.000 Like, if we could just get everyone to know about this... 1.00

00:11:20.000 There's some shit like that that just sneaks through. 0.98

00:11:22.000 Like, we all know comics like that. 1.00

00:11:24.000 That have just snuck through.

00:11:25.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:25.000 If everybody knew...

00:11:26.000 Yeah.

00:11:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:11:27.000 I mean, who would be yours?

00:11:29.000 Do you know Brian Holtzman?

00:11:30.000 No.

00:11:31.000 Brian Holtzman, for sure.

00:11:32.000 No doubt.

00:11:32.000 - Brian Holtzman. - Brian Holtzman has made me laugh harder saying inappropriate, ridiculously inappropriate shit than anyone. - Well that's how I feel.

00:11:41.000 I mean, I'm talking about someone. - Brody's starting to get a little famous though.

00:11:46.000 A lot of people know Brody now.

00:11:47.000 I'm talking about someone pretty famous.

00:11:49.000 But I feel like Stanhope is like that to an extent.

00:11:52.000 It's like, yeah, he's very famous.

00:11:54.000 He has a big following.

00:11:54.000 But if people saw live his 90 minutes he puts on, people would be like, oh, that's the best comedian alive.

00:12:04.000 He's doing what I love to watch as a comedian.

00:12:07.000 As a comedian, he's like...

00:12:09.000 He and I had a conversation about it, too. 0.98

00:12:11.000 One of the things, as you get older, you really appreciate guys that are still doing real fucking comedy. 0.96

00:12:19.000 They're still saying what they really think. 0.91

00:12:23.000 Because somewhere along the line, I mean, we're not naming names.

00:12:26.000 Norton's another one of those, by the way.

00:12:26.000 He's another one, for sure.

00:12:27.000 He's the one who told me to come here.

00:12:29.000 Oh, really?

00:12:29.000 By the way, we were at the Comedy Cell, and we were talking about podcasts.

00:12:32.000 And he goes, have you ever listened to Rogan's podcast?

00:12:34.000 And I go, no.

00:12:35.000 He goes, it's incredible.

00:12:36.000 You've got to go on.

00:12:37.000 It's incredible.

00:12:38.000 And so then I started listening to it, and then I just dropped you a note.

00:12:41.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:12:42.000 I love Norton.

00:12:43.000 Norton and I went to see Dice in Vegas.

00:12:45.000 We went and sat in the audience. 0.96

00:12:47.000 Norton and I and Bobby Kelly and Brian and Anthony Cumia and Sam Roberts, we all went there and drove a big fucking limo together. 0.98

00:12:55.000 We all had dinner. 0.96

00:12:56.000 It was like a gentleman's night.

00:12:57.000 It was fun.

00:12:58.000 We ate at a steakhouse and then we all went to a show.

00:13:01.000 That's fun.

00:13:01.000 Yeah, I did that.

00:13:04.000 I'm going to counter that with a much dorkier version.

00:13:08.000 I love that, which is my wife and I and Ira Glass, who co-wrote my film, and his wife, the four of us went to see Stan Hope at Caroline's.

00:13:19.000 It was the last comedy show.

00:13:21.000 Because Ira had never seen Stan Hope, and I was like, you gotta see this guy.

00:13:25.000 There's nothing like him.

00:13:26.000 Yeah, I loved Doug.

00:13:28.000 And then, of course, Doug, when he finds out Ira's there, makes fun of Ira, makes fun of public radio for like 15 minutes.

00:13:36.000 And Ira's like, how did this become about me?

00:13:40.000 I just want to go see a show.

00:13:42.000 Listen, man, if you're on national public radio, it becomes about you if you're in your room. 0.88

00:13:47.000 If you're in the room, that is a silly topic.

00:13:51.000 You're not allowed to have any emotions.

00:13:53.000 Everything has to be talking about it like this.

00:13:56.000 Completely unreasonable.

00:13:58.000 But Irish show is incredible.

00:13:59.000 It's very different.

00:14:00.000 Is it different?

00:14:01.000 This American Life?

00:14:01.000 Have you ever listened to it?

00:14:02.000 No, never.

00:14:03.000 Oh, you'd love it.

00:14:04.000 Really?

00:14:04.000 This American Life is incredible.

00:14:06.000 It's funny.

00:14:09.000 I've never had to sell it to anybody before because people listen to it so much.

00:14:14.000 I've seen it in the ratings.

00:14:15.000 It's a radio...

00:14:17.000 It's a weekly radio documentary.

00:14:20.000 Imagine your favorite film documentary and take that to radio.

00:14:25.000 And it's incredible what they do. 0.99

00:14:26.000 It's like a fucking miracle. 0.99

00:14:28.000 Really? 1.00

00:14:28.000 It's a fucking miracle. 1.00

00:14:30.000 Wow. 1.00

00:14:30.000 You personally would love it. 1.00

00:14:32.000 Dude, I'm on it.

00:14:33.000 I'm on it.

00:14:34.000 I'll get on it today.

00:14:35.000 Onit.com.

00:14:36.000 You should go on their...

00:14:37.000 Yeah, onit.com.

00:14:38.000 You go on their website and look at, like, they have a list of, like, these are the legendary episodes, the gateway drug.

00:14:44.000 Oh, really?

00:14:45.000 The gateway drug of this American life, yeah.

00:14:46.000 Oh, that's a good idea, to have, like, the episodes that they feel best represent them.

00:14:50.000 You guys should have that.

00:14:50.000 I should totally have that.

00:14:51.000 I'm lazy.

00:14:52.000 I'm lazy, dude.

00:14:53.000 Where are you on that?

00:14:54.000 Where are you guys on that?

00:14:55.000 What's going on?

00:14:55.000 We're not anywhere on that.

00:14:57.000 We just put them up there.

00:14:59.000 But there's a lot of websites that sort them out.

00:15:02.000 We can only do so much, man.

00:15:03.000 Yeah, you can only do so much.

00:15:04.000 And we're doing, like, three and four of these a week sometimes.

00:15:07.000 Wow.

00:15:08.000 Yeah, lately it's been four.

00:15:11.000 We're doing three together, and I did one yesterday with Brian Callen, just me and Brian.

00:15:15.000 Oh, cool.

00:15:16.000 Brian's another one, by the way. 0.98

00:15:19.000 Comedian you might not know, but it's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:15:22.000 Hilarious. 1.00

00:15:23.000 Ridiculous. 0.88

00:15:23.000 Yeah, he came over to my house last night, and we had a little family barbecue. 0.88

00:15:26.000 It was fun.

00:15:27.000 Yeah.

00:15:28.000 That's nice. 1.00

00:15:29.000 He's just such a silly boy. 0.99

00:15:31.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00

00:15:32.000 He's so fucking silly. 1.00

00:15:33.000 He's such a fun dude. 1.00

00:15:35.000 And Norton...

00:15:36.000 I love that phrase.

00:15:38.000 If people knew about this...

00:15:40.000 Norton is a guy, even though everybody knows him from the O.P. and Anthony show.

00:15:45.000 There's not enough people to know how funny he is as a stand-up.

00:15:48.000 I saw him in Austin.

00:15:50.000 I was in town doing a UFC and I got a chance to just sit down and watch a gig.

00:15:56.000 It's really fun to do.

00:15:59.000 Especially if it's a guy like Norton.

00:16:01.000 He made me change my act a little bit.

00:16:02.000 Really?

00:16:03.000 Yeah, because I realized I was doing two long sets.

00:16:06.000 I wanted to do these really long sets because I didn't want anybody to feel like they didn't get their money to wear.

00:16:11.000 I feel that way too.

00:16:11.000 I have that same thing.

00:16:13.000 But Norton did like an hour and just fucking laid it down. 0.98

00:16:18.000 He just owned it for an hour. 0.97

00:16:18.000 And I was like, you know what, man? 0.97

00:16:19.000 Maybe that's a better thing.

00:16:21.000 So I cut my sets down from like an hour and a half plus to like an hour and ten minutes.

00:16:27.000 Because I feel like nobody should talk for more than an hour and ten minutes, man.

00:16:30.000 When I started working the door...

00:16:32.000 I started out working the door at the DC Improv, and...

00:16:35.000 What is that? 1.00

00:16:36.000 That's a stupid clock. 1.00

00:16:41.000 Yeah, he's got a fucking cat clock. 1.00

00:16:43.000 No, that's not a distraction, dude. 0.99

00:16:45.000 You're right.

00:16:46.000 No, but I started out working the door at the DC Improv, and it was really like comedy college, because I was opening for like...

00:16:52.000 You know, every week, it'd be like, Jake Johansson, Brian Regan, you know...

00:16:56.000 Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attell, and Pablo Francisco.

00:17:02.000 That's a lesson in comedy.

00:17:04.000 You watch him.

00:17:05.000 He's another, if people knew about it, what a live Pablo Francisco show is like.

00:17:09.000 He does, back then at least, the week I opened for him, did 45 minutes, blew the doors off the room in a way that I've never seen.

00:17:20.000 I've never seen anything like that.

00:17:22.000 Pablo doesn't just do a comedy show.

00:17:24.000 It's like a multimedia presentation.

00:17:26.000 Because he can make so many crazy noises with his mouth, and he has so many nutty impressions of people.

00:17:33.000 It's like a multimedia presentation sometimes.

00:17:36.000 He's somebody who, if you...

00:17:39.000 If he really opened up and did some personal stuff combined with the talent that he has with the noises and the sounds and everything...

00:17:46.000 Yeah, but I don't think he can.

00:17:47.000 Oh, wow.

00:17:47.000 Would that be a good show?

00:17:49.000 Yeah, it would be a very good show.

00:17:50.000 That'd be something else.

00:17:51.000 Yeah, he's a great guy, too.

00:17:53.000 Really nice guy. 0.80

00:17:54.000 That's one of the coolest things about comedy is that a lot of people assume that every comic is fucked up and that... 0.99

00:18:00.000 You know, so many of them are anti-social and depressed. 0.99

00:18:03.000 I don't find that to be the case.

00:18:05.000 I find it to be the case that there's a lot of funny guys like Stan Hope.

00:18:10.000 They're fun to be around.

00:18:11.000 They're nice guys.

00:18:12.000 I love what Stan Hope said when there was that whole comedy school debate happening.

00:18:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:18.000 With Kyle Cease and everything.

00:18:20.000 And Stan Hope said he was going to have a free one in Bisbee.

00:18:23.000 Where he lives.

00:18:24.000 I just love that.

00:18:25.000 It's just like everybody should show up.

00:18:27.000 Just bring some drinks.

00:18:29.000 Like Stan Hoek's whole thing is just like you learn about comedy like offering the comedian your opening for drinks after the show.

00:18:37.000 Just asking questions.

00:18:38.000 That is a better way to learn.

00:18:39.000 I think that's how I learned.

00:18:40.000 I have a real problem with comedy classes that are taught by people who are non-comedians.

00:18:46.000 I've seen that.

00:18:46.000 And I'm like, that's just craziness.

00:18:48.000 That doesn't even make sense.

00:18:51.000 It's like English speaking taught by people who don't speak English. 1.00

00:18:54.000 If you haven't actually done stand-up, and you have to do it for years, you have to get your dick kicked into the dirt. 1.00

00:19:03.000 Numerous occasions. 0.98

00:19:05.000 Don't you think that made you, as a comedian, those really tough sets in the beginning, where you kind of realize what you've got to do to fix?

00:19:12.000 That's what my entire movie is about.

00:19:14.000 It's about just failure and failure and failure and then finding, at the end of the movie, the character has just kind of, you see one sequence of, oh, this guy's going to figure it out eventually.

00:19:30.000 I think we all start off terrible.

00:19:33.000 I've never met anybody that started off good.

00:19:36.000 No.

00:19:36.000 For me, I always tell people, comedians, people who want to be comedians, get a job at a comedy club.

00:19:45.000 I worked at the DC Improv at the door, and then after I punched out from making minimum wage, I got to watch the show for free.

00:19:53.000 And that's what you need.

00:19:55.000 You just need to see comedians over and over and over again and eventually go, okay, I can do something like that.

00:20:02.000 It's a weird thing when you start to realize that it's a craft, but that yours seems like it's kind of similar to other people's, but it's not. 0.99

00:20:14.000 It's your weird take on shit, and you've got to find out what the fuck that is. 0.99

00:20:18.000 You've got to find the silly, find the preposterous. 1.00

00:20:22.000 Yeah, it takes so long, man. 1.00

00:20:23.000 And you get conflicted, and you don't know if you're being full of shit. 0.99

00:20:28.000 Is this an affected attitude that I'm putting on? 0.99

00:20:31.000 Is it obvious?

00:20:32.000 Yeah, when I was starting out, I was totally putting on an affix.

00:20:34.000 Ugh, I hate that.

00:20:36.000 It's so embarrassing.

00:20:38.000 It is embarrassing.

00:20:39.000 When you look back on those sets...

00:20:41.000 Well, no, because I was...

00:20:41.000 And everybody does, though.

00:20:43.000 I mean, I even...

00:20:44.000 Like, Geraldo is one of my favorite comedians of all time and was a friend of mine, and, like...

00:20:48.000 He even said like he's like when I started out like my first TV sets I sounded like Dave Attell I was on TV sounding like somebody else before I figured out who I was and then he I mean I think Gerald is one of the great comics but like for me it was just I sounded like I sound like Stephen Wright when I started out yeah then I sounded like Mitch Hedberg and then eventually I sounded like myself Yeah, it's hard to avoid, man.

00:21:13.000 It's hard to avoid being really influenced by the guys that came before you that were really good.

00:21:20.000 I caught myself sounding like Rich Jenny on stage once.

00:21:22.000 Really?

00:21:23.000 Just almost exactly.

00:21:25.000 It was such an obvious rip-off.

00:21:27.000 I was in the middle of the set.

00:21:29.000 I kept going with the bit, and I finished my set.

00:21:32.000 The audience didn't even know.

00:21:33.000 To myself, I was like, ew, you fraud. 1.00

00:21:36.000 I was like, you fucking Rich Jenny clone. 1.00

00:21:39.000 What are you doing? 0.99

00:21:40.000 I was like, like a year in or something like that.

00:21:42.000 But I'll never forget how embarrassing it was.

00:21:45.000 If I was in the room and I saw me on stage, I'd be like, who?

00:21:50.000 Who's this guy ripping off Rich Jenny? 1.00

00:21:53.000 Because you know when guys will do that, you're not even ripping off material.

00:21:59.000 You're just ripping off being that guy.

00:22:01.000 People say that...

00:22:02.000 I had that with Stephen Wright, Mitch Hedberg, and then inadvertently Todd Berry.

00:22:08.000 People were like, you sound like Todd Berry.

00:22:09.000 And I was like, I'm not even watching...

00:22:12.000 I mean, I like Todd Berry a lot.

00:22:13.000 He's a great comic.

00:22:13.000 But it wasn't like I was watching a ton of Todd Berry at that time.

00:22:17.000 Well, I think you just have a similar tone to your voice.

00:22:19.000 And it's only mildly similar.

00:22:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:21.000 But people are crazy. 0.99

00:22:22.000 They'll find connections in fucking anything. 1.00

00:22:25.000 I got off stage once in Kentucky and some guy came up to me with a list of people. 0.99

00:22:30.000 It's like, he said, you know, Patton Oswalt, this, and I go, what are you talking about?

00:22:33.000 He goes, you sounded like these people.

00:22:35.000 Oh, God.

00:22:36.000 And I was like, listen, man, I don't know what to tell you.

00:22:38.000 Did you have a good time?

00:22:40.000 Did you have fun?

00:22:41.000 I don't know what to tell you.

00:22:42.000 You're looking at, what are you saying?

00:22:44.000 Are you saying that I'm not me and that I'm all these people?

00:22:49.000 What are you saying?

00:22:49.000 I like that response.

00:22:51.000 There was a bunch of them, too.

00:22:52.000 Hey, did you have a good time?

00:22:52.000 Yeah, that's all I could say to him.

00:22:54.000 I'm like, listen, I hope you had a good time at the comedy show.

00:22:57.000 Crazy.

00:22:57.000 You're not going to sit here and you're going to analyze who my influences were.

00:23:01.000 And you're angry at me for being influenced by great comedians.

00:23:04.000 But I don't even think that's what it was.

00:23:06.000 I think it was like, you know, people will try to find a connection in anything.

00:23:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:11.000 You know when... 0.99

00:23:12.000 I listened to my recording after the guy said that to me because I was like, what the fuck is this guy? 0.90

00:23:16.000 There was a couple of obscure ones in there, too. 0.89

00:23:20.000 I don't remember who his references were.

00:23:21.000 But it was like...

00:23:22.000 Richard Lewis was one of them. 0.99

00:23:24.000 And I was like, what the fuck are you even saying? 0.99

00:23:28.000 And I went and listened to it and I didn't hear any of it. 0.99

00:23:30.000 Somebody will...

00:23:31.000 If they're looking... 0.94

00:23:32.000 And then there's people that just are crazy...

00:23:34.000 And their perceptions are just off, and they'll get a thought in their head, and they don't have the ability to discern whether or not it's an objective thought, whether or not it's a reasonable thought. 0.99

00:23:43.000 They just got that thought, and they fucking run with it. 0.93

00:23:46.000 And with you, they're like Todd Barry. 0.99

00:23:47.000 Sounds like Todd Barry.

00:23:48.000 Well, it's funny, because the person I listen to the most...

00:23:52.000 It was Woody Allen.

00:23:53.000 But no one ever accuses me of sounding like Woody Allen because I'm like a suburban white kid grown up and he's this short Jewish man from New York City.

00:24:02.000 We just don't look like each other in any way, shape or form.

00:24:05.000 I think people don't make that connection.

00:24:07.000 So do you feel like you were influencing him delivery wise?

00:24:10.000 Yeah.

00:24:10.000 People don't realize what a great comic he was.

00:24:12.000 He's incredible.

00:24:13.000 That one album which is a compilation of I think three records.

00:24:19.000 Woody Allen's stand-up comedian, I think it's called.

00:24:21.000 Yeah.

00:24:22.000 And it's so good.

00:24:24.000 What a weird guy, huh?

00:24:25.000 I mean, married his daughter in front of the world.

00:24:28.000 I mean, that is intensely weird.

00:24:31.000 That is hard to defend.

00:24:33.000 That is intense, intensely, intensely weird.

00:24:35.000 And super hot, also.

00:24:37.000 Is she super hot? 1.00

00:24:38.000 No, I said, and it's kind of super hot also.

00:24:40.000 Oh, man.

00:24:41.000 I don't see it.

00:24:43.000 I can't get behind the super hot injection.

00:24:46.000 It's just crazy creepy, man.

00:24:49.000 Yeah.

00:24:50.000 I mean, how did they ever even develop that kind of a relationship?

00:24:54.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

00:24:56.000 Yeah.

00:24:56.000 It seems to me like that should never be able to happen.

00:25:00.000 It shouldn't be on the table.

00:25:01.000 Yeah, like what?

00:25:02.000 It's not one of the options.

00:25:03.000 And I wonder what the blowback was for him.

00:25:06.000 For Woody Allen, this great director.

00:25:09.000 You mean in his career?

00:25:10.000 Yeah.

00:25:10.000 It was a big blowback.

00:25:12.000 There are people, because I'm such a big fan of his, there are people who I talk to to this day who go, once that happened, I will not see his movies again.

00:25:19.000 Yeah, I've heard that.

00:25:20.000 There's a lot of people.

00:25:21.000 I've heard that from, especially from women. 1.00

00:25:23.000 From women particularly, yeah.

00:25:25.000 Well, they, you know, it's almost like you can't trust him around your kids.

00:25:29.000 Like, that's the feeling that they get.

00:25:31.000 It's like he'll...

00:25:32.000 But he's not at the movie theater with you when you see the movies, so you don't have to be worried about your kids.

00:25:40.000 Yeah, but there's people that just won't support you.

00:25:43.000 What's the guy's name that escaped to France?

00:25:46.000 Oh, yeah, Roman Polanski, one of my favorite directors.

00:25:49.000 And he was convicted of that horrible crime.

00:25:54.000 Yeah, what did he do?

00:25:56.000 But he wasn't convicted because he fled, right?

00:25:58.000 It was a weird thing. 0.60

00:25:59.000 He drugged a teenage girl and had sex with her or something like that.

00:26:04.000 But then there's this whole documentary about that case, I think it's called Wanted, and it shows the shades of grey in that case.

00:26:14.000 That case was really complex and there was a judge who was really high and mighty and kind of got carried away about his or her own ego and how The judge, him or herself, I forget what it was, was making headlines by saying certain things in the court, and then it became like a spectacular event where he might have gotten like a year in jail or something, but then it got kind of blown out of proportion and it was going to be a much bigger deal.

00:26:42.000 Jesus.

00:26:42.000 Yeah.

00:26:43.000 It's a really good movie actually.

00:26:44.000 I think it was on HBO. I think it's called Wanted.

00:26:48.000 Wanted.

00:26:49.000 It's like Roman Polanski Wanted or something like that.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, this case is really disturbing, man.

00:26:53.000 And then this is after his wife had been murdered by the Manson family.

00:26:58.000 Oh, I know.

00:26:58.000 So you've got to realize, like, this guy was...

00:27:01.000 There's a lot going on.

00:27:02.000 Yeah.

00:27:02.000 I mean, what he did was horrific, for sure, though.

00:27:05.000 But his... 0.99

00:27:06.000 I mean, what a fucked up state of mind he had to have been in after his wife was murdered by the Manson family while she was pregnant. 1.00

00:27:15.000 I have to say, some weird shit happens in California. 1.00

00:27:21.000 Can we just talk about that? 0.98

00:27:24.000 I feel like the Polanski stuff, when I watch it, it feels so distant from my existence in New York. 0.98

00:27:31.000 I'm like, yeah, that's some California shit that I can't understand. 0.91

00:27:35.000 Do you like living in New York? 0.99

00:27:36.000 I love it, yeah.

00:27:37.000 Do you live in the city?

00:27:38.000 My wife and I lived in the city for a while, and then we just moved to Brooklyn recently.

00:27:42.000 Why'd you move to Brooklyn?

00:27:43.000 Get some space.

00:27:44.000 Yeah?

00:27:45.000 You know, just like, we were sick of living in this little cramped area.

00:27:49.000 Oh, so you have a bigger place?

00:27:50.000 Yeah.

00:27:51.000 We have, like, yeah, we have a few bedrooms, and we're able to...

00:27:55.000 And also just walk around and have some trees around.

00:27:59.000 We lived on the Upper West Side in Manhattan, and it was getting to a point where our favorite local restaurants were closing down.

00:28:05.000 H&H Bagels closed down.

00:28:08.000 Niko's, a Greek restaurant, closed down.

00:28:11.000 A lot of places were closing down to the point where they closed down.

00:28:15.000 This is a bad sign of when times are bad.

00:28:19.000 We thought it was sad when they closed down Barnes& Noble.

00:28:24.000 We were like, oh, that's too bad.

00:28:25.000 Our local bookstore got shut down.

00:28:27.000 I felt like we had Circuit City.

00:28:30.000 We lost to Circuit City, too.

00:28:32.000 It's super common, man.

00:28:34.000 Think about in our lifetime.

00:28:36.000 When has there ever been a period of time where more businesses closed down than today?

00:28:40.000 I don't know.

00:28:41.000 Not in my lifetime.

00:28:42.000 I don't remember anything like this before.

00:28:44.000 But Brooklyn, on the other hand, is really burgeoning.

00:28:48.000 Oh, really?

00:28:49.000 Small restaurants, small bakeries, small ice cream shops are able to open there because the real estate isn't that expensive to rent.

00:28:57.000 Commercial real estate isn't as expensive.

00:28:59.000 So you're getting better food, better...

00:29:03.000 Just baked goods, ice cream, grocery stores, local grocery stores with local produce.

00:29:08.000 I mean, I don't want to sell it too hard, but I think it's better.

00:29:12.000 We're happier there.

00:29:14.000 It seems like a little bit of a compromise, a little bit better compromise.

00:29:17.000 That's what it is.

00:29:18.000 You're in not a suburban area, but it's a little sub-city.

00:29:22.000 And it's slower, to be honest with you.

00:29:25.000 The people are a little slower.

00:29:27.000 You're at the ice cream store, and you're like, huh.

00:29:29.000 Come on, what are we doing?

00:29:31.000 What's going on?

00:29:32.000 You're just walking over there?

00:29:35.000 A little brisk step.

00:29:37.000 Bring a little pep to it.

00:29:39.000 Is it jazz music? 0.99

00:29:40.000 People are so used to fucking being so crazy in New York. 1.00

00:29:45.000 That hive is so nuts. 1.00

00:29:47.000 It mimics insects. 0.66

00:29:50.000 It's really crazy.

00:29:51.000 When you get them all together in this big thing that they've created.

00:29:55.000 And they're all swarming in this giant population center.

00:29:58.000 I mean, it's really not that much different than a beehive or an anthill. 0.99

00:30:02.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.98

00:30:03.000 So many people there. 0.97

00:30:05.000 My wife and I went, and this was even more the case, my wife and I rented a house in western Massachusetts this summer for a month so that we could just write and relax and get away from...

00:30:16.000 Like out Amherst way?

00:30:18.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:30:19.000 North of Northampton.

00:30:20.000 Beautiful out there.

00:30:21.000 Gorgeous, but...

00:30:23.000 So slow.

00:30:24.000 Yeah.

00:30:24.000 Oh my god.

00:30:25.000 Everything is like, you go in somewhere, you order a cup of coffee, you're like, we're going to be here for a little bit.

00:30:31.000 Like, even though there's no lie.

00:30:33.000 It's the country.

00:30:34.000 It's really nice though.

00:30:35.000 We, um, but it was funny because my wife has been saying since we, we've been together probably about eight years, got married four years ago, and, uh, Since we met, she was like, I think that I belong in the country.

00:30:48.000 I think that we should move to the country.

00:30:50.000 And I was always like, I can't.

00:30:52.000 Like, I gotta work.

00:30:53.000 This is where I work in the city because there's comedy clubs and this is where my one-man shows are.

00:30:59.000 And we finally took a month after being together for eight years and went to the country.

00:31:04.000 And we brought our cat, Ivan.

00:31:07.000 And...

00:31:09.000 Who had never been anywhere but our apartment.

00:31:12.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:31:12.000 So he was shocked. 0.71

00:31:14.000 And there were mice in the house.

00:31:16.000 And they were...

00:31:17.000 This is a really strange phenomenon.

00:31:19.000 They were parasitic mice.

00:31:21.000 They had parasites in them, which means they're unafraid of people or cats.

00:31:26.000 Oh, that means they have toxoplasma.

00:31:27.000 Yeah, that's exactly what they have.

00:31:29.000 And so usually if you have a cat, you don't even see mice because they smell cats and they don't even come out.

00:31:38.000 In this case, we had mice.

00:31:40.000 They were like zombies.

00:31:42.000 They were walking towards us. 1.00

00:31:44.000 We were batting them away like a fucking video game. 1.00

00:31:47.000 Yeah, isn't that sick? 1.00

00:31:48.000 And those are the dangerous ones.

00:31:49.000 Those are the ones that can infect you.

00:31:51.000 Is that right?

00:31:51.000 Oh yeah, they have a massive impact on human behavior.

00:31:55.000 If they bite you, is that right?

00:31:56.000 Yeah, if it gets into your skin, either through cat fecal matter, if the cat's infected, you can get it from the cat. 1.00

00:32:04.000 You can get it from livestock that comes in contact with this shit. 0.99

00:32:08.000 So Ivan ate one of the mice. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Oh no, so you got an infected cat.

00:32:13.000 Instead of a month there, we were there for two weeks, drove home after he ate the mouse.

00:32:19.000 Then we took him to the vet and he took medicine to knock that stuff out.

00:32:24.000 I don't think they can stop that stuff.

00:32:27.000 It's a brain parasite. 0.91

00:32:29.000 I thought it is what it is.

00:32:31.000 I think whatever it was, it's checked out.

00:32:37.000 I don't know.

00:32:37.000 They gave him medicine.

00:32:39.000 You got a zombie cat.

00:32:40.000 I know you got a zombie cat, yeah.

00:32:41.000 That's not good.

00:32:42.000 He's old, though.

00:32:43.000 He's 16 years old.

00:32:44.000 Time to go.

00:32:44.000 He's in his golden years.

00:32:45.000 Get him out of there before he infects the house.

00:32:48.000 Sounds crazy, but toxoplasma really is something that people have to have an issue with because it does have an effect on human behavior.

00:32:55.000 It makes people more aggressive.

00:32:57.000 It slows your reaction time down.

00:33:00.000 And a lot of the world has it.

00:33:02.000 Huge population.

00:33:03.000 Really?

00:33:04.000 Yeah.

00:33:05.000 In France, it's been as high in, I believe it was the 1950s or 1960s, it got as high as 80%.

00:33:11.000 Wow.

00:33:12.000 80% of the country had it.

00:33:13.000 And now it's down to the 50s.

00:33:15.000 This is all estimations, of course.

00:33:17.000 I mean, you're not like really testing the entire population.

00:33:20.000 Yeah.

00:33:20.000 They estimate that in America it's somewhere around 50 to 60 million people are infected by it in America.

00:33:25.000 For anyone getting their news from Joe Rogan's podcast.

00:33:28.000 Yeah, you're in trouble.

00:33:30.000 By the way, because I haven't backed up anything.

00:33:32.000 I've done no research.

00:33:33.000 I'm just telling you what I read.

00:33:35.000 Yeah.

00:33:36.000 But the idea is that once you get it, you got it.

00:33:40.000 That's it.

00:33:40.000 Wow.

00:33:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:41.000 It's a brain parasite. 0.99

00:33:43.000 Jesus. 0.99

00:33:44.000 It makes the mice sexually attracted to cat piss. 1.00

00:33:47.000 What a motherfucker. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Like, what a crazy... 1.00

00:33:50.000 That's mean. 1.00

00:33:52.000 ...fucking disease. 1.00

00:33:53.000 That's twisted. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Well, my wife was sitting on the couch in the house, and there was a mouse.

00:33:59.000 She looked next to her.

00:34:00.000 There was a mouse just sitting there, staring at her.

00:34:03.000 Oh, my God.

00:34:04.000 Usually, you see a mouse, and it just runs away immediately.

00:34:07.000 And in this case, it was just staring at her, and she just ran away.

00:34:10.000 And then I had to chase the mouse out of the house. 1.00

00:34:14.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:34:15.000 There's something really creepy about rodents, man. 1.00

00:34:18.000 I know.

00:34:20.000 Well, have you ever heard the Rat Gang concept?

00:34:23.000 No.

00:34:23.000 I just heard about this recently.

00:34:25.000 There's apparently a book.

00:34:28.000 I have a comedian friend named John Hodgman, who's a very knowledgeable man.

00:34:33.000 And he's written a lot of very funny and great books.

00:34:37.000 And he's on The Daily Show.

00:34:40.000 He's a correspondent on The Daily Show sometimes.

00:34:42.000 But anyway, he was telling me there's this book, and I think it's called Rats.

00:34:46.000 It's all about the culture of rats, and there's this phenomenon theoretically called the Rat King, which is that certain rats are in such an enclosed space that after a while their tails are intertwined, so they're existing essentially as one large rat unit.

00:35:05.000 I don't know if I can substantiate this, but people should look up Rat King. 0.98

00:35:09.000 That sounds like some comic book shit, man. 0.99

00:35:11.000 Look up Rat King. 0.99

00:35:12.000 I need to look that up.

00:35:14.000 Rat King?

00:35:15.000 That doesn't seem like it.

00:35:16.000 It seems like something you would know about.

00:35:18.000 Was he just joking?

00:35:19.000 He wasn't joking.

00:35:20.000 Really?

00:35:21.000 No, apparently there's this book called, I think, Rats, and it sheds a lot of light on folklore.

00:35:28.000 Yeah, I'm instantly looking at myself in this camera and just going, oh man, have I put on weight on the road.

00:35:37.000 It's so painful.

00:35:38.000 The road's brutal.

00:35:39.000 The road is brutal.

00:35:41.000 It's hard to...

00:35:41.000 What is this?

00:35:42.000 A rat king in the scientific museum. 0.79

00:35:45.000 Oh my god.

00:35:46.000 So it is real, right?

00:35:47.000 Oh my god.

00:35:48.000 Brian, pull this up on Wikipedia.

00:35:51.000 Because this is going to freak you the fuck out when you see this.

00:35:53.000 We lost Brian. 1.00

00:35:54.000 Oh, that son of a bitch. 1.00

00:35:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:57.000 Yo, Brian!

00:36:00.000 How dare he?

00:36:01.000 The loudness with which you shouted is so inappropriate to what you're going to tell him.

00:36:08.000 Yeah.

00:36:09.000 You're like, Ryan!

00:36:10.000 Get over here! 1.00

00:36:11.000 You need to see this. 0.62

00:36:12.000 You need a Wikipedia rat king.

00:36:13.000 You need to see this.

00:36:14.000 This is incredible, man.

00:36:16.000 This really is a real phenomenon. 1.00

00:36:21.000 I thought your friend was just fucking with you. 1.00

00:36:23.000 No, no. 1.00

00:36:24.000 We have a serious conversation about rats.

00:36:27.000 Whoa.

00:36:28.000 That seems horrific.

00:36:31.000 If you go to folks listening to this...

00:36:35.000 People probably tweet at you right now facts about the Rat King.

00:36:38.000 I bet some of your listeners and viewers know about the Rat King.

00:36:41.000 Hey, we need you to pull something up, man.

00:36:43.000 Something crazy.

00:36:45.000 It's called a Rat King.

00:36:48.000 So... 0.97

00:36:48.000 Mike Birbiglia said this to me, I did not, I thought he was just fucking around, I thought his friend was just fucking around, but apparently there are clumps of rats that get connected together by the tail, and they grow together while joined at the tails. 0.97

00:37:05.000 So, there's like a group of like, in this photo, there's a group of, it looks like 30 or 40 of them, just on top of each other, connected by the tails. 0.98

00:37:16.000 Rat King.

00:37:17.000 Just pull up Rat King on Wiki.

00:37:19.000 It's the photo that connects to it.

00:37:21.000 Can you imagine if you ran into that somewhere?

00:37:24.000 No, no.

00:37:25.000 It's the stuff of nightmares.

00:37:28.000 It's what one should fear most. 1.00

00:37:31.000 Rodents are fucking scary animals, man. 1.00

00:37:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:34.000 They're so gross. 1.00

00:37:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:37.000 Gross little fuckers. 1.00

00:37:40.000 Ugh. 1.00

00:37:42.000 You got it?

00:37:43.000 Rat King.

00:37:43.000 The image at the top.

00:37:45.000 Look at that.

00:37:46.000 Click on that.

00:37:46.000 Oh my god.

00:37:47.000 Click on that.

00:37:48.000 That's real.

00:37:49.000 Is this live streaming, the video?

00:37:51.000 Yeah.

00:37:51.000 Oh my god.

00:37:52.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:37:55.000 This is insane.

00:37:56.000 Yeah.

00:37:57.000 I mean, it's insane. 1.00

00:37:59.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:38:00.000 All these rats intertwined together. 1.00

00:38:03.000 I came here today to blow Joe Rogan's mind, and I have to... 0.98

00:38:06.000 Oh, you blew it, man.

00:38:07.000 You blew it wide open, because I thought we were having fun.

00:38:11.000 I thought your friend was telling us some crazy...

00:38:13.000 Once there was a Sasquatch, and he lived in the woods.

00:38:16.000 He could read your mind.

00:38:19.000 No, a Rat King's a real thing. 1.00

00:38:21.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:38:22.000 What's folklore mean, then? 1.00

00:38:23.000 Well, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not true.

00:38:28.000 It means that it's probably been exaggerated and tossed down from...

00:38:37.000 Superstitions.

00:38:38.000 But this is...

00:38:39.000 So it's a rat Bigfoot.

00:38:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:38:41.000 Well, I mean, there was a bunch of shit, but it's obviously a real thing. 0.99

00:38:44.000 It's a real phenomenon. 0.99

00:38:46.000 This is in the scientific museum in Germany.

00:38:49.000 I mean, it really does happen.

00:38:51.000 But I think it's probably...

00:38:54.000 They probably just are tied up in knots.

00:38:57.000 They're probably not growing together through the tails.

00:39:02.000 I don't think their tails become one unit.

00:39:04.000 I think they're just gross, and they just get tangled up.

00:39:08.000 Ira Glass, who we mentioned earlier, you don't know his show, This American Life, but he was saying the other day that sometimes he's struck with We live in New York, you live here in LA, with the degree to which we are living like medieval lords.

00:39:26.000 Like we have our beck and call, any food, any type of food we want, prepared any way we want, About 25 minutes.

00:39:37.000 Yeah.

00:39:37.000 It's so strange.

00:39:39.000 All in a giant human construct.

00:39:41.000 Yes.

00:39:42.000 That doesn't resemble anything in nature.

00:39:44.000 Yeah.

00:39:45.000 Some nutty thing that just goes up to the heavens.

00:39:49.000 Yeah.

00:39:49.000 Pops out of the ground.

00:39:50.000 Everything else is missing.

00:39:52.000 Yeah.

00:39:53.000 Occasionally you'll see a tree.

00:39:55.000 One tree.

00:39:57.000 Defiantly looking for its friends.

00:40:00.000 That's why I loved the movie Minority Report when it came out.

00:40:03.000 You watch that movie now and you're like, yeah, about half of that stuff is true now.

00:40:08.000 It was futuristic, but it was futuristic in a way that you can just about see it coming.

00:40:13.000 You walk into the mall and they go, hello, Joe Rogan.

00:40:16.000 Would you like the Nike shoes that you bought last year?

00:40:19.000 Would you like another fresh pair?

00:40:21.000 That certainly is going to happen, right?

00:40:22.000 For sure.

00:40:23.000 Yeah, they're going to be able to turn it on on your phone.

00:40:26.000 Well, and the internet already exists on Amazon.

00:40:29.000 You go on and they say, well, you might like this.

00:40:31.000 Yeah, I bought a t-shirt from Cafe Press, and I bought it through Amazon.

00:40:35.000 I went through Amazon.

00:40:36.000 It goes, do you want to go through Amazon?

00:40:38.000 I'm like, okay, see how that works.

00:40:39.000 Quick, go through Amazon.

00:40:41.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:40:42.000 It's amazing.

00:40:43.000 We live in a weird world, man.

00:40:45.000 Very strange.

00:40:46.000 We were talking about one-click shopping on Amazon, but it's the easiest way to buy anything, and when you start doing it, it becomes so goddamn addictive that Yeah. 0.95

00:40:55.000 Because it feels ridiculous. 0.90

00:40:56.000 I know.

00:40:56.000 It feels like you can get obscure billiard supplies.

00:40:59.000 You can. 1.00

00:41:00.000 Like, weird shit. 1.00

00:41:01.000 Like, I need a Joe Porper tip-tapper. 1.00

00:41:03.000 Yeah.

00:41:04.000 And you can find that on Amazon.

00:41:06.000 Hardest to return, though. 0.99

00:41:07.000 I have so much shit that I just won't return because it's like, oh, I have to go to the UPS. Yeah, you got to take the hit. 0.99

00:41:12.000 No, but I saw the movie Day for Night recently, a Truffaut film, which is great.

00:41:18.000 Have you ever seen that?

00:41:18.000 No.

00:41:18.000 Day for Night?

00:41:19.000 Did you get it from Amazon?

00:41:20.000 No, but it's about making a film.

00:41:22.000 Yeah.

00:41:22.000 No, I actually did.

00:41:23.000 I got it, I think, from Amazon.

00:41:24.000 And then at the end of it, I was like, I'd like to have the poster of this.

00:41:28.000 Click on it.

00:41:29.000 It's on the way.

00:41:30.000 Boom.

00:41:31.000 It's so crazy.

00:41:32.000 I get these obscure Mexican hot sauces, El Yucateca.

00:41:36.000 I can't find them in any white people grocery store.

00:41:40.000 You have to go to the Mexican hood to get El Yucateca. 1.00

00:41:43.000 Or you just go to Amazon.com.

00:41:45.000 Boom.

00:41:45.000 How do you resolve incidentally?

00:41:47.000 Because you're very knowledgeable about pizza.

00:41:50.000 How do you fit that into the diet?

00:41:52.000 Because you have such a good diet.

00:41:53.000 Just got to make sure you don't eat it all the time.

00:41:55.000 The most important thing is that your base, like you never want to deprive your body of nutrients.

00:42:01.000 But you can have cheat days, totally.

00:42:03.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

00:42:04.000 I think cheat meals, cheat days, just as long as you're being reasonable, as long as like 80% of your food is really good food and healthy and every now and then you have a burger or something like that, you could do that.

00:42:18.000 You eat meat?

00:42:19.000 Yeah.

00:42:20.000 Yeah, I've tried vegetarian before.

00:42:22.000 I tried it when I was trying to lose weight when I was a kid, when I was fighting in different weight classes, and I didn't like it.

00:42:28.000 I just felt shitty.

00:42:30.000 I didn't feel like I was very vibrant. 0.60

00:42:33.000 I haven't tried it again as an adult, but I know I crave meat.

00:42:37.000 I crave it. 1.00

00:42:38.000 After a good workout, I want a fucking steak. 1.00

00:42:41.000 I feel like my body wants red meat. 1.00

00:42:43.000 And people say, you know, that's unevolved and lustful killing.

00:42:50.000 Those cows are not going to live forever if you just let them walk around. 0.98

00:42:55.000 And if people aren't killing cows, something's going to kill cows. 0.99

00:42:59.000 Either cars, because you're going to hit them with your cars because they're going to be everywhere, or you're going to have mountain lions running around taking cows out in front of you every day.

00:43:08.000 That's a possibility too.

00:43:09.000 Yeah.

00:43:10.000 I think it's the inhumane aspect of keeping them in crates slightly larger than their body that I think frustrates people.

00:43:16.000 Yeah, I haven't had veal in a long time.

00:43:20.000 The veal was the first one I tapped out on.

00:43:22.000 I was just like, I can't do that.

00:43:25.000 That's just too creepy.

00:43:26.000 Taking a baby and not feeding it and tying it in a knot so it can't move.

00:43:31.000 Nope.

00:43:32.000 Nope.

00:43:32.000 No thanks.

00:43:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:33.000 Yeah, that's so fucked up. 1.00

00:43:35.000 I'm just like, I got no time for that. 0.99

00:43:37.000 Just so it's more tender?

00:43:39.000 Really? 1.00

00:43:40.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:43:41.000 What's funny is, I'm looking at your image. 1.00

00:43:44.000 You're behind a computer, but I can see you here.

00:43:46.000 And you can see me.

00:43:48.000 What's funny is, if your body, and you have a really good physique, if you ended up having my body, you might go into a deep depression.

00:43:58.000 Yeah.

00:43:59.000 You would be really upset.

00:44:01.000 And if I had your body, my comedy career would go away.

00:44:05.000 Because all I do is just make fun of my own body and self.

00:44:09.000 But you can make fun of anything.

00:44:11.000 If you make fun of your own body, if you're self-deprecating, you can make fun of something else.

00:44:17.000 You actually defy, because you're great, I was listening to your albums this week, you defy the Joe Piscopo rule.

00:44:25.000 Which is that if you get too fit, you're no longer funny. 0.99

00:44:30.000 People are silly. 0.96

00:44:31.000 There's no rules to comedy. 1.00

00:44:33.000 We should know that by now.

00:44:34.000 I think Piscopo was the line in the sand where people are like, oh, okay, that's how it works.

00:44:40.000 No, with Piscopo, the problem was he just...

00:44:44.000 He had a few good things that he did on Saturday Night Live, a few good sketches, but overall there wasn't that much there.

00:44:50.000 He didn't put enough effort into it.

00:44:53.000 It's no different than any other comic, like Michael Richards that goes from being an actor to being a comic and just can't really pull it off.

00:44:59.000 There's not much difference.

00:45:01.000 It's a hard road.

00:45:02.000 No one has to tell you that. 0.99

00:45:03.000 To become a stand-up comic is a long, hard fucking road. 0.96

00:45:07.000 And there's not a lot of us who stay on it. 0.97

00:45:11.000 If you stop and think about the guys that you hung out with when you were an open-miker.

00:45:16.000 Totally different.

00:45:16.000 Yeah, and look at the guys that you know now.

00:45:18.000 How many of them made it?

00:45:19.000 Me and Fitzsimmons started out together.

00:45:21.000 Yeah, I can see that.

00:45:22.000 Literally weeks apart from each other.

00:45:24.000 So he's one of the only guys from my group of open-mikers that made it over the salmon net.

00:45:31.000 No one from my open mics is working.

00:45:34.000 No, I shouldn't say that.

00:45:37.000 No one from my open mics I still run into anymore.

00:45:41.000 Nick DiPaulo was always a really funny guy and he was always in really good shape.

00:45:45.000 He was a football player.

00:45:46.000 You're right.

00:45:47.000 Nick is much more handsome than me.

00:45:50.000 With a fantastic head of hair.

00:45:51.000 I discovered this.

00:45:52.000 I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba on a USO tour with DiPaulo and Giraldo and Colin Quinn and a bunch of guys.

00:46:02.000 And Geraldo was in great shape, too.

00:46:04.000 And so was DePaulo.

00:46:04.000 Because we went on the beach.

00:46:06.000 We went swimming.

00:46:07.000 We pulled over because we couldn't get through one of the gates.

00:46:10.000 We were like, well, let's just go swimming in that beach right there.

00:46:13.000 And we all went swimming.

00:46:14.000 We still have photos of it. 1.00

00:46:15.000 And I'm like, oh, fuck. 0.99

00:46:17.000 It's really embarrassing for me. 0.99

00:46:19.000 These guys are in really good shape.

00:46:21.000 Yeah, DePaulo's always been in good shape.

00:46:23.000 He was one of the guys when I was an open-miker.

00:46:26.000 He was a bit more established than me.

00:46:28.000 He was ahead of me by at least maybe like two years.

00:46:32.000 He was an established professional.

00:46:33.000 Was Louie around at that time?

00:46:34.000 Yes, yeah.

00:46:35.000 Louie was also about two years ahead of me.

00:46:37.000 Those guys, when I first started doing open mics, they were just doing professional gigs.

00:46:43.000 And I got to see DePaulo once on stage. 0.99

00:46:46.000 And I'm like, look at this handsome motherfucker, this football player-looking dude. 0.99

00:46:50.000 And he was hilarious! 0.99

00:46:52.000 And that was a nice thing for me to see as a young guy who was involved in athletics myself.

00:46:59.000 I was like, Okay, so there is no rule.

00:47:01.000 And then I remember when I first saw Kinison, that's when I realized there was no rules.

00:47:07.000 That's when I first realized, oh, anything can be comedy.

00:47:10.000 And it's just whether or not it's funny.

00:47:12.000 That's comedy too.

00:47:13.000 This is a different thing he's doing.

00:47:15.000 Like when Kinison was going, I live in hell!

00:47:18.000 Oh, oh! 0.58

00:47:19.000 Look at this face!

00:47:20.000 I was married! 1.00

00:47:22.000 That fucking... 1.00

00:47:24.000 He goes, remember when he... 1.00

00:47:27.000 He was one of my earliest influences.

00:47:30.000 When he did that bit about getting married, the devil doesn't even try to scare you.

00:47:34.000 He's like, oh, you've been married? 0.99

00:47:36.000 This is going to be like fucking Club Med for you. 1.00

00:47:39.000 Come on in, this is where we torch his souls, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:47:44.000 You're married. 1.00

00:47:45.000 Hell, it'll be like Club Med!

00:47:48.000 He was the first to me that really cemented in my head that anything could be comedy. 0.99

00:47:55.000 I always loved comedy, but I was always way too loud and aggressive and stupid to connect myself to someone like Jerry Seinfeld. 0.97

00:48:05.000 I would have to be a totally different person to be that kind of comedian. 0.98

00:48:09.000 I could never do that.

00:48:10.000 I don't think I can do that.

00:48:12.000 But then I saw Kenneth and I was like, oh, there's no rules.

00:48:15.000 You don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld.

00:48:17.000 You just have to be whatever is funny from you.

00:48:19.000 Whatever comes out of you.

00:48:20.000 This podcast must be great for you because when you tour now, it's probably your audiences who get your sense of humor.

00:48:26.000 Yeah.

00:48:27.000 As opposed to Fear Factor fans who are like, let's see him do the bugs in the mouth.

00:48:32.000 Yeah, the Fear Factor is hard.

00:48:35.000 Because I heard that bit on your album where you're like, That's just a show I hosted.

00:48:41.000 That's not me.

00:48:42.000 That wasn't my idea.

00:48:43.000 But to a lot of people, though, it's such a big thing because it's on television that it has to define you from there on.

00:48:50.000 It has to be your thing.

00:48:52.000 But I was always like, why?

00:48:54.000 It's my gig.

00:48:56.000 But that's what's crazy about the technology of these podcasts right now is that you can actually say, no, no, I'm this.

00:49:02.000 I'm going to tell you what I am.

00:49:03.000 It's this.

00:49:05.000 You get an opportunity to express yourself in a way deeper way than would ever be possible in a million Tonight Show appearances.

00:49:12.000 You'd never be able to get that across.

00:49:15.000 That was always my goal starting out.

00:49:17.000 Because I would do these hell gigs like I do in the movie.

00:49:20.000 I drove my mom's station wagon all over the country.

00:49:24.000 Incidentally, I only find out at this age now that people's parents gave them their car or bought them a car.

00:49:32.000 It's like...

00:49:33.000 I bought my mom's stage wanger for $2,200.

00:49:36.000 It had 100,000 miles on it.

00:49:38.000 She marked it up.

00:49:39.000 My mom marked up her stage wanger.

00:49:42.000 I drove it around the country.

00:49:43.000 I would perform at these gigs.

00:49:47.000 Just so people have a point of reference, when I was starting out, whenever you're in the middle of nowhere, you're in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, and you drive by a Best Western, and it says, Comedy Night Wednesday, that was my life.

00:50:01.000 I was Comedy Night Wednesday.

00:50:03.000 I did a lot of those too.

00:50:05.000 A lot of those Barry Katz gigs.

00:50:06.000 Yeah, and so my goal when I was in that stage, because I wouldn't do well.

00:50:11.000 You know, the audiences wouldn't like me.

00:50:12.000 They came to see something different than what I was.

00:50:15.000 I wasn't also that good.

00:50:17.000 So it was like, it was the combination of what I would become was like a soft-spoken kind of storyteller, and then what they wanted was like fast jokes.

00:50:26.000 Lenny Clark.

00:50:27.000 Yeah, they wanted Lenny Clark, yeah, who's a great comic, but he could kill anywhere.

00:50:31.000 And so what I was like, I want people eventually to come to see my shows on purpose.

00:50:37.000 And that's why I started keeping a mailing list.

00:50:41.000 And you also got very successful with your blogs.

00:50:45.000 I remember you were the first guy.

00:50:47.000 We were somewhere.

00:50:48.000 I can't remember what city it was, but you were in a big place.

00:50:51.000 You were in like this big theater. 0.97

00:50:53.000 And I go, damn, I go, Mike Merbiglia is playing here? 0.99

00:50:56.000 I go, how the fuck is he doing that? 0.99

00:50:58.000 And then I forget who I was with. 0.99

00:51:00.000 It was either Joey Diaz or Ari Shafir.

00:51:03.000 One of those guys was like, he's got this blog that's really, really popular.

00:51:08.000 Got this blog. 0.98

00:51:10.000 And I was like, damn, man, that's a big impact. 0.98

00:51:12.000 This was years ago. 0.97

00:51:13.000 It was before we ever even did the podcast.

00:51:15.000 And I remember thinking, that's a lot of impact from connecting with people on the internet.

00:51:20.000 Well, part of it was I wrote my blog.

00:51:22.000 It was called My Secret Public Journal, and I still do it.

00:51:26.000 And then the Bob and Tom Show out of Indianapolis, and they're syndicated, was like, just read your secret public journal on our show.

00:51:33.000 So I would call in every week.

00:51:36.000 And it was actually very similar to like Cable Guy.

00:51:38.000 Cable Guy used to do stuff like that on radio.

00:51:40.000 Do you know that Cable Guy used to do call-ins every week?

00:51:44.000 Yeah.

00:51:45.000 So like all over the place.

00:51:47.000 Yeah.

00:51:48.000 He would be doing like 20, 25 phoners a week.

00:51:52.000 Wow.

00:51:52.000 Yeah.

00:51:53.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:51:55.000 He's a really hard worker. 1.00

00:51:57.000 I don't know what he does now, but back then he was a really hard worker.

00:52:00.000 I met him a long time ago in Montreal when he was just starting out.

00:52:05.000 Nobody knew about him. 0.98

00:52:06.000 It was like the early 90s and he was a nice fucking guy. 0.98

00:52:09.000 Nice guy. 0.97

00:52:09.000 Had a great time with him. 0.97

00:52:10.000 I hung out with him one night.

00:52:13.000 And we partied at the Comedy Works in Montreal.

00:52:16.000 Got hammered together.

00:52:17.000 He's a great dude, man.

00:52:19.000 Yeah, I like him.

00:52:19.000 We had some fun.

00:52:20.000 And he's got some great potato chips.

00:52:23.000 He sent us, he listens to the podcast.

00:52:25.000 Are you serious?

00:52:26.000 So he sent over his potato chips. 0.99

00:52:28.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

00:52:29.000 Cheeseburger potato chips. 0.98

00:52:31.000 You can taste the pickles, you can taste the meat.

00:52:33.000 Of course he has cheeseburger potato chips.

00:52:35.000 It is probably the worst thing on earth for you. 0.98

00:52:38.000 I don't know how the fuck they're giving you all these different flavors, but it's like a joke. 0.99

00:52:44.000 You eat a chip and you're like, I taste the burger, there's the ketchup, there's the pickle. 1.00

00:52:49.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:52:50.000 It's so funny. 1.00

00:52:51.000 Last night at my hotel, because I had eaten dinner at that in-between stage, like 6 p.m., and then it's midnight.

00:52:59.000 You're going, ah, I've got to eat something.

00:53:00.000 So I went to the mini bar, and I had Pirate's Booty. 1.00

00:53:03.000 That shit. 1.00

00:53:05.000 I had Pirate's Booty, and the flavor was aged cheddar. 1.00

00:53:08.000 And I was like, what the fuck is aged cheddar in this manufactured chip that's from some factory somewhere? 0.97

00:53:16.000 Is that really aged cheddar in there? 0.98

00:53:19.000 What chemical creates the taste of aged cheddar?

00:53:24.000 It's like strawberry gum.

00:53:25.000 It doesn't taste anything like strawberries.

00:53:27.000 It's just what we agree to strawberry gum.

00:53:30.000 Like grape gum? 1.00

00:53:31.000 Grape gum doesn't taste like fucking grapes. 1.00

00:53:34.000 The last thing that should taste like is grape. 0.99

00:53:36.000 It tastes like grape gum.

00:53:38.000 Right.

00:53:38.000 And it's not purple.

00:53:39.000 Right.

00:53:40.000 Like grape soda.

00:53:41.000 It doesn't taste anything like grapes.

00:53:42.000 We get it in our head that that's the grape flavor.

00:53:44.000 Yeah.

00:53:45.000 Yeah.

00:53:45.000 I mean, does grape soda even have grapes in it?

00:53:48.000 No.

00:53:49.000 No.

00:53:50.000 Right? 1.00

00:53:50.000 It's just some fucking sugar water. 1.00

00:53:52.000 But we, you know, there's a fake grape taste that we accept. 0.99

00:53:56.000 And it's like the gum taste, that grape gum taste.

00:53:59.000 It's fake.

00:54:00.000 It's a fake grape.

00:54:01.000 We just go, yeah, yeah, it's grape.

00:54:03.000 That doesn't mean anything like grape.

00:54:05.000 Like, what are you talking about?

00:54:06.000 You know, that's like if I gave you a cheeseburger and it tasted like feet, you know?

00:54:10.000 Look what's on Amazon, though.

00:54:12.000 Larry the Capel Guy.

00:54:13.000 Cheeseburger potato chips.

00:54:15.000 They're 20 bucks.

00:54:16.000 Pack of three.

00:54:17.000 Pack of three. 1.00

00:54:18.000 Damn. 1.00

00:54:20.000 Cheeseburger potato chips. 0.99

00:54:21.000 And that's another guy, by the way, doesn't need the money, so he clearly believes in cheeseburger potato chips.

00:54:26.000 Look, they were very tasty, but I was feeling like with each chip, I was rolling the crazy dice. 1.00

00:54:32.000 I was like, what's in this shit? 1.00

00:54:34.000 Who knows what kind of... 1.00

00:54:35.000 This is going to grow breasts on you. 1.00

00:54:36.000 You know what it's like? 0.99

00:54:37.000 It's like Willy Wonka.

00:54:39.000 Yes!

00:54:40.000 It really is!

00:54:41.000 When they take the thing and say, what does it taste like?

00:54:42.000 Oh, it tastes like whatever the thing was.

00:54:45.000 That's exactly what it's like.

00:54:47.000 Dude, I didn't even think of that.

00:54:48.000 I forgot about that.

00:54:49.000 That's exactly what it's like.

00:54:50.000 Yeah.

00:54:51.000 Dude, I'm telling you.

00:54:52.000 What was it?

00:54:52.000 Do you guys remember?

00:54:54.000 I forget what it was.

00:54:55.000 It's like, does it taste like this?

00:54:56.000 And he's like, yeah, it does.

00:54:58.000 I don't remember, but I do remember.

00:54:59.000 It was like a piece of gum that basically tasted like a food experience.

00:55:03.000 Right.

00:55:04.000 Well, they're getting...

00:55:05.000 Thanksgiving dinner.

00:55:05.000 They're closing in on that.

00:55:06.000 They're closing in on that.

00:55:07.000 It's like ghostly.

00:55:08.000 It's ghostly.

00:55:09.000 It's not distinct.

00:55:11.000 It's not like habanero pepper distinct flavor.

00:55:14.000 It's ghostly.

00:55:16.000 Like, oh, there's the... 1.00

00:55:17.000 Yeah, it's like mustard in that fucking thing. 0.99

00:55:19.000 But it's really good. 1.00

00:55:21.000 It is.

00:55:21.000 It's really good.

00:55:22.000 But you're rolling the health dice.

00:55:24.000 You know what would be good with those potato chips?

00:55:27.000 Like some kind of cheese, meaty cheese dip.

00:55:30.000 Oh, Jesus Christ, son. 1.00

00:55:32.000 You're getting my dick hard. 1.00

00:55:35.000 The queso, meaty queso. 1.00

00:55:36.000 When you talk to Europeans, though, they say that what's killing us is the preservatives.

00:55:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:41.000 Because Europeans are not very overweight and they eat cheese and wine and all this.

00:55:46.000 Well, they also have unpasteurized cheese.

00:55:48.000 They have a lot of unpasteurized cheese in Europe.

00:55:50.000 You can't even get it over here.

00:55:51.000 It's like I had a friend from France and he used to have to smuggle it in.

00:55:54.000 Really?

00:55:55.000 He used to smuggle in unpasteurized cheese from France.

00:55:57.000 Yeah, it's so crazy.

00:55:59.000 And by the way, there's a reason why your body has a lactose intolerance.

00:56:04.000 It's because you're drinking milk that's been boiled down and is dead.

00:56:08.000 There's no enzymes in it.

00:56:10.000 All the stuff that makes your body naturally digest it, it doesn't exist.

00:56:14.000 So the idea is that we have to protect people from bad milk.

00:56:19.000 Yeah, but you know what's a better idea?

00:56:21.000 Fresh milk.

00:56:22.000 We've got to figure out how to not have milk sitting in a supermarket for three months.

00:56:26.000 We've got to have people closer to their animals.

00:56:28.000 We had the, growing up, we had the, I don't know if you remember this in Massachusetts, the Lundgren and Jonaitis milk store.

00:56:37.000 It was milk in glass bottles and they would deliver it to your house.

00:56:42.000 Foil tops.

00:56:43.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:56:43.000 They peeled them off.

00:56:44.000 It was great.

00:56:45.000 Amazing milk.

00:56:47.000 I don't think that place exists anymore.

00:56:49.000 Yeah, I don't know if that was pasteurized or homogenized, but they used to have it at Whole Foods, but now you've got to go to those little specialty markets in California.

00:56:56.000 Oh, are they?

00:56:56.000 Do they have it at Whole Foods?

00:56:57.000 Not at all.

00:56:58.000 No, not anymore. 0.99

00:56:59.000 Whole Foods is like, they're so big that there's certain shit they don't take a risk with. 0.93

00:57:05.000 Like, there's a kombucha that is more than one half of one percent alcohol, and because of that, they won't carry it. 0.98

00:57:13.000 They don't carry it, yeah.

00:57:15.000 It's nothing.

00:57:16.000 It's not like a level that can get you drunk.

00:57:17.000 But it is, you know, it ferments. 0.99

00:57:19.000 And it's really fucking good for you. 0.94

00:57:21.000 And the one that ferments the most is really the best for you. 0.98

00:57:24.000 And they don't carry it because it gets a little risky with the alcohol.

00:57:28.000 Right.

00:57:28.000 Very risky.

00:57:29.000 So that's why they don't have that.

00:57:31.000 They don't have raw milk there anymore.

00:57:33.000 It's like it's too risky. 0.99

00:57:34.000 But I don't know if that's a corporate decision or what, but it's unfortunate because raw milk, man, doesn't give you any weird stomach shit. 0.99

00:57:42.000 It tastes way better. 0.98

00:57:43.000 Once you get used to the fact what you're drinking, it's rich and creamy. 0.98

00:57:47.000 It's really fucking good. 0.96

00:57:48.000 I was flying to California recently, and I was on a plane, and I was... 0.97

00:57:53.000 I had one of those mornings where you show up at the airport and you're so hungry that you just grab anything.

00:57:59.000 I was at Chibo or whatever that place is called at JFK. You're just like, I'll have any just in case.

00:58:06.000 I need something.

00:58:07.000 I'll have a banana.

00:58:08.000 I'll have a sandwich.

00:58:09.000 I'll have anything.

00:58:09.000 You have this bag of stuff.

00:58:11.000 And I get on the plane and I'm just scarfing down this chicken salad sandwich.

00:58:15.000 And the flight attendant comes over to me and he goes...

00:58:18.000 Excuse me, are there nuts in that sandwich?

00:58:22.000 I'm like scarfing down the sandwich and I look down and I'm like, I think so.

00:58:26.000 I think there's walnuts in the sandwich.

00:58:28.000 And I know that this is going to go badly.

00:58:30.000 And so as I'm talking, I'm still eating the sandwich.

00:58:33.000 I'm like, I think so.

00:58:35.000 And he's like, the woman who's two seats down from you, she has a nut allergy.

00:58:40.000 So you have to put that away.

00:58:42.000 And I was just like, I won't make her eat them.

00:58:47.000 I won't rub them on her body.

00:58:50.000 I'm just going to eat it right here.

00:58:53.000 And he was like, it's actually even if the nuts are in the air.

00:58:59.000 And I looked over at the woman and I go, excuse me, I go, will you have an allergic reaction if there are nuts in the air? 1.00

00:59:09.000 And she goes, yeah, I have an allergy and I'll have an episode if there's nuts in the air.

00:59:18.000 And I was just thinking, like, I didn't say this, but I was like, you shouldn't leave the house.

00:59:22.000 Yeah, right?

00:59:23.000 You should have a bubble around you.

00:59:25.000 There's a lot of air.

00:59:25.000 Is that even real, though?

00:59:27.000 I don't know.

00:59:28.000 So you can't go in the grocery store?

00:59:29.000 So this is what happened.

00:59:30.000 I go...

00:59:30.000 I don't know.

00:59:31.000 I was in that stage where I was having, like, eating...

00:59:35.000 Like, I was about to have eating blue balls, where you're halfway through your sandwich, and you're like, if I don't finish this sandwich, I'm going to flip out.

00:59:42.000 So I said to the guy, I was like, is there anywhere I can eat this sandwich?

00:59:46.000 And he said, I'm not making this up.

00:59:47.000 He goes...

00:59:48.000 You can eat it in the bathroom.

00:59:51.000 Wow.

00:59:51.000 And so I went to the bathroom and I finished my sandwich.

00:59:57.000 Jesus Christ.

00:59:58.000 Yeah.

00:59:59.000 But the nut allergy thing is strange.

01:00:01.000 It's like I really don't want people to die because they have a nut allergy, but I'm also kind of like, well then I guess...

01:00:07.000 Oh, this is real.

01:00:09.000 Yeah, the nut allergy thing?

01:00:10.000 Yeah, this is real.

01:00:13.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:00:15.000 Yeah, they should have breathing things that they have to wear if they're going in public.

01:00:19.000 It shouldn't go on 150 passengers in the flight for the person with the nut allergy.

01:00:26.000 Why can't she just have one of those little Asian masks, you know, like the little white masks? 1.00

01:00:29.000 Yeah, for SARS. It can be...

01:00:32.000 Wow, this is really interesting, man.

01:00:38.000 That doesn't seem right.

01:00:39.000 And then I asked her, I go, is this, do you fly a lot?

01:00:43.000 I mean, is this something you do?

01:00:44.000 I mean, and she said, she said, yeah.

01:00:46.000 And when I'm on Southwest, I call in advance.

01:00:50.000 When I call in advance, they take all the nuts off the plane.

01:00:54.000 Oh my God.

01:00:55.000 She said, there are no nuts on the plane when I fly.

01:01:00.000 And I was just like, who is this girl?

01:01:02.000 That's insane.

01:01:03.000 What kind of power does she wield? 1.00

01:01:05.000 Yeah, that's not right.

01:01:06.000 It is possible.

01:01:07.000 Here's the thing.

01:01:07.000 They're saying all those small amounts of peanut protein can set off a severe reaction.

01:01:11.000 It is rare that people get an allergic reaction from just breathing in small particles of nuts or peanuts.

01:01:17.000 That does mean it's possible.

01:01:18.000 They said it's rare.

01:01:20.000 Yeah.

01:01:21.000 Because most foods with peanuts in them do not allow enough of the protein to escape into the air, causing a reaction.

01:01:27.000 Just because the smell of foods containing peanuts won't produce a reaction because the scent does not contain the protein.

01:01:35.000 She was just freaking out at the possibility, but most likely since it was like a food, it's a dust from the crunching of the peanuts, apparently.

01:01:45.000 That's enough, apparently, to freak some people out.

01:01:47.000 It's rare, but that's enough for some people, which is crazy.

01:01:51.000 Yeah, she should drive.

01:01:53.000 What a weird thing, though, man, to be allergic to food so badly.

01:01:57.000 Like a peanut.

01:01:59.000 Peanuts can kill people, man. 1.00

01:02:01.000 They're fucking poison. 1.00

01:02:02.000 And we're like, mmm, peanut M&Ms! 1.00

01:02:04.000 Mmm, fucking chomp, chomp, chomp. 0.99

01:02:05.000 Imagine how weird it would be growing up where everybody's eating poison everywhere around you. 1.00

01:02:10.000 Everybody's eating some shit that if you go to the supermarket, there's tubs of poison. 1.00

01:02:14.000 You go and get some peanut butter, that shit will kill you. 1.00

01:02:17.000 I've always felt that way about cell phones, though. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Oh, really?

01:02:20.000 From moment one, when cell phones started to be ubiquitous, I was like, this is going to be the cigarettes of our time. 0.98

01:02:27.000 Well, that's ridiculous. 0.86

01:02:28.000 That's not nearly as bad as peanuts to people allergic to peanuts. 0.99

01:02:31.000 People that are allergic to peanuts, it fucking kills you dead, and it's everywhere in tubs of it, and people are eating it in front of you. 0.98

01:02:36.000 Chomp, chomp. 0.99

01:02:37.000 It's like a common food for kids to take to school.

01:02:40.000 Peanut butter and jelly.

01:02:41.000 Imagine if poison...

01:02:42.000 Think about having this to your head all the time. 1.00

01:02:44.000 If you get cancer from your cell phone, you're a pussy. 1.00

01:02:47.000 That's what I say. 1.00

01:02:48.000 I'm gonna send some brain cancer patients your way.

01:02:51.000 It might be weird if like in like 30 years...

01:02:53.000 It might be weird though in like 30 years if like the whole entire United States has cancer of the brain.

01:02:59.000 We all die at the same time.

01:03:01.000 Everybody's right thumb rots off.

01:03:03.000 Right.

01:03:03.000 Your texting thumb.

01:03:05.000 Yeah.

01:03:06.000 I don't think that it's that much of a concern.

01:03:10.000 There's a lot of radiation we just get from the sun.

01:03:12.000 There's a lot of radiation we get from just the environment.

01:03:15.000 Every time you fly in a plane, you get massive amounts of radiation.

01:03:18.000 Is that right?

01:03:18.000 Yeah, every time you fly in a plane, it's supposed to be worse than going through those x-ray machines.

01:03:22.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

01:03:23.000 Yeah, you're up in the fucking high altitude. 0.99

01:03:25.000 You're flying at 35,000 feet. 0.98

01:03:27.000 Yeah, my wife won't do the new one, the new x-ray. 1.00

01:03:30.000 Oh, really?

01:03:30.000 She gets opted out?

01:03:31.000 She opts out.

01:03:33.000 She just is freaked out by it.

01:03:35.000 It's a lot of radiation.

01:03:37.000 She's right. 0.97

01:03:37.000 Yeah, I don't think they've adequately researched the long-term effects of putting fucking weird particles through people's bodies. 0.97

01:03:46.000 And it might work on, you know, there's a thing about any sort of exposure to things that you might be fine, I might be fine, but one person, just like the person that's allergic to peanuts, people's bodies are weird, man. 0.73

01:03:57.000 One person could have a totally different reaction to that radiation and really get sick because of it.

01:04:02.000 Everybody's built so different.

01:04:04.000 We have similar but varied bodies and we have to take that into consideration when you find out what's bad for people.

01:04:13.000 Some people can't even have one drink.

01:04:15.000 Does that mean we should take drinks away? 0.98

01:04:17.000 That's ridiculous. 0.62

01:04:18.000 Because for most of us, drinks are great. 0.92

01:04:20.000 Some people cannot have that one drink.

01:04:22.000 So imagine living in a world, and I have friends that have done this, where they look at everybody drinking like, this is everything you're doing.

01:04:29.000 If I did, I would be dead in an alley in a week. 0.96

01:04:32.000 I'd just fucking go on a massive bender until I ran out of heartbeats. 0.99

01:04:37.000 It's around us everywhere. 0.99

01:04:41.000 We vary too much.

01:04:43.000 Collectively, we've got a big spectrum of physical, psychological, everything.

01:04:50.000 Do you ever think about running for office? 1.00

01:04:51.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:04:55.000 Running for office is like, it would be like becoming a pro wrestler. 1.00

01:05:00.000 That's what it would be like.

01:05:01.000 This is the only way you could equate the two.

01:05:04.000 Because you're following a script in a certain way.

01:05:06.000 You're following a script and you're entering into some artificial sort of a situation.

01:05:11.000 This isn't real.

01:05:13.000 Like Paul Ryan, we don't know Paul Ryan.

01:05:16.000 We don't know Mitt Romney.

01:05:17.000 Mitt Romney doesn't even know Mitt Romney.

01:05:19.000 I was very uninspired by the speeches last night.

01:05:22.000 It's bizarre.

01:05:23.000 It feels like I'm in a movie.

01:05:24.000 I watched those speeches and I was actually really open-minded to like, hey, what do you guys got?

01:05:28.000 And then I came away just being like, oh, okay, nothing.

01:05:31.000 It was all rhetoric.

01:05:33.000 It was all get back the country.

01:05:36.000 If you have a small business, you did build it. 0.99

01:05:40.000 And it was all just bad, clunky, shitty speeches. 0.98

01:05:44.000 They played a Reagan speech from when Reagan was running against Jimmy Carter. 1.00

01:05:49.000 I was like, God damn, Reagan in the campaign trail could fucking throw it down. 0.99

01:05:54.000 He was an actor. 0.99

01:05:55.000 Yeah, being an actor, even though he was getting on in his days, when he was running for president, the effects of the presidency hadn't quite broken him down like it did during his term.

01:06:05.000 But he stomped Carter in this two-minute speech about what's the difference between a recession and a depression.

01:06:13.000 A recession is when a neighbor's out of a job.

01:06:16.000 A depression is when you're out of a job.

01:06:18.000 And the crowd was cheering.

01:06:21.000 And he's like, and to get rid of this depression, we need to put Jimmy Carter out of a job. 0.99

01:06:27.000 And they went fucking apeshit. 0.99

01:06:29.000 And I was like, whoa. 1.00

01:06:30.000 Imagine having that guy breathing down your heels.

01:06:32.000 Ronald Reagan.

01:06:34.000 Handsome-ass actor.

01:06:35.000 Yeah, I know.

01:06:36.000 Talking a lot of sense.

01:06:37.000 Well, wait till Clooney runs for office in like 10 years.

01:06:40.000 He's got no kids.

01:06:41.000 He's got no kids.

01:06:42.000 People are never going to listen to a man who doesn't have children. 0.98

01:06:44.000 Not yet.

01:06:45.000 They're not going to listen to a man who doesn't have children, trust me. 1.00

01:06:47.000 The people who have children will never listen to a man who doesn't have children because they know that there's a physiological change that happens in a person's body, in your brain, in your consciousness, in your understanding of relationships.

01:06:58.000 When you have your own children, and he doesn't have his own children.

01:07:01.000 Yeah, but when he runs for president, he's going to have two two-year-olds, twins, daughters.

01:07:05.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:07:06.000 We want to see your kids get to be about 15 before you start running shit. 1.00

01:07:09.000 What about Matt Damon? 1.00

01:07:10.000 He has kids.

01:07:11.000 Matt Damon could run for office. 0.97

01:07:12.000 But the real problem is that the whole system is completely fucked sideways by corruption.

01:07:17.000 There's no way you can run for office. 0.81

01:07:19.000 To do what?

01:07:20.000 To be the bidding? 0.96

01:07:21.000 You're going to be at the bidding of these giant corporations or you're going to have bullets in your brain.

01:07:24.000 Well, you know what the game is.

01:07:26.000 It's true.

01:07:27.000 This thing's been bought and sold.

01:07:29.000 And if it wasn't proved to us by Obama, I mean, come on, a guy whose parent is a single mom. 0.71

01:07:36.000 Right?

01:07:36.000 He's raised in an interracial relationship, grows up poor, lives in Hawaii for a while.

01:07:43.000 I mean, you were talking about a guy who's a total outsider, right?

01:07:48.000 And look what happens when he gets in.

01:07:49.000 He passes things like the National Defense Authorization Act that just blindly allows them to arrest people and they have no recourse.

01:07:56.000 It allows them to use the military to block civil unrest and to stop civil unrest in this country. 0.93

01:08:03.000 All shit that's supposed to be prevented in the Constitution. 0.96

01:08:05.000 And he's just allowing this stuff to go through. 0.97

01:08:07.000 Why is he allowing this stuff to go through?

01:08:09.000 Is that what the child of a single parent would really want? 1.00

01:08:12.000 Not the Fuck it is. 0.99

01:08:13.000 He doesn't have a say. 1.00

01:08:15.000 He's at the bidding.

01:08:16.000 They're all at the bidding of money.

01:08:17.000 What is the best way to make money? 1.00

01:08:19.000 The best way to make money is to let these motherfuckers loose. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Let them do what they want to do in other countries. 1.00

01:08:24.000 Let them just make this happen.

01:08:26.000 Give them reasons why we gotta make this happen. 0.97

01:08:28.000 And that money just keeps fucking flying in. 0.99

01:08:30.000 These guys are in a vampire orgy of blood money. 0.99

01:08:34.000 Just dancing around and drinking in it.

01:08:36.000 And they don't want it to stop.

01:08:37.000 And so Obama, who says that he's going to stop wars, all of a sudden he wins the Nobel Peace Prize and he has to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.

01:08:45.000 What is that?

01:08:46.000 Do you really think that's what he wants to do?

01:08:49.000 Do you really think that's what his big change is?

01:08:51.000 His big change is that?

01:08:53.000 Come on, man.

01:08:53.000 It's all crazy.

01:08:55.000 This is a broken system.

01:08:58.000 You're watching these candidates and you're like, this is the last death throes of a dying situation, a dying configuration, the configuration of Democrat versus Republican.

01:09:11.000 And what we're going to do is give America back to the small businesses, to the families.

01:09:19.000 It's like, ee, ee.

01:09:20.000 It's like you're making those close encounters noises.

01:09:23.000 Do, do, do.

01:09:26.000 You're not even saying anything.

01:09:27.000 You're just making the noises that the people want to hear.

01:09:30.000 You're making the conservative noise.

01:09:32.000 It's sort of underlyingly racist. 0.99

01:09:36.000 Let's get it back away from this black guy. 1.00

01:09:38.000 He's kind of fucked everything up. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Look how white my wife is. 1.00

01:09:41.000 There's a little of that going on.

01:09:42.000 Yeah. 0.52

01:09:43.000 It's nonsense!

01:09:45.000 And meanwhile, the same companies will be controlling things, no matter who's in control. 1.00

01:09:49.000 We get wrapped up in shit like gay marriage and immigration and all this different stuff that nobody really gives a fuck about at the top of the heap. 0.99

01:09:56.000 And they just keep sucking money out of the system the whole time. 1.00

01:10:00.000 We're dancing around worrying about whether dudes should be able to write things down and say, I'm a this now and you're a that now.

01:10:07.000 And then it becomes illegal.

01:10:08.000 We're dicking around about that. 1.00

01:10:10.000 The same people are running shit that have always been running shit. 0.99

01:10:13.000 It's hilarious, really. 1.00

01:10:15.000 When it becomes more and more transparent, you realize what an incredible job they've done of just keeping everybody in the dark and just running things from the background. 0.97

01:10:25.000 As far as running the world, really, the fucking banks have done a fantastic job.

01:10:31.000 I mean, in spite of all the competition, all the access to information people have today, the fact they still run it the way they run it, it's amazing. 0.97

01:10:40.000 They've done a great job. 1.00

01:10:41.000 They're bad motherfuckers. 1.00

01:10:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:43.000 It's just depressing.

01:10:44.000 It is depressing.

01:10:47.000 What person of our age group would want war at this stage of life?

01:10:52.000 What person would think that that's the best option in any culture?

01:10:56.000 They were even saying it last night.

01:10:57.000 McCain in his speech was saying we should raise defense spending.

01:11:03.000 Raise defense spending?

01:11:05.000 Isn't that what you guys are trying to say?

01:11:07.000 We shouldn't spend so much money?

01:11:09.000 I was very confused by what they were saying, what their message was.

01:11:14.000 The word defense is a funny word because it's not defense when you're in another country.

01:11:18.000 So when you say raise defense spending, I'm down for strengthening anything in America. 0.99

01:11:24.000 But I think I don't see any reason to send someone's kids to some other fucking country to shoot some people they never met because some assholes say that that's the thing that needs to be done. 0.99

01:11:34.000 That don't make any sense to me. 0.99

01:11:35.000 It's not that you don't support the troops and it's not that you don't think that it's good to have a strong army because I absolutely do and do. 0.98

01:11:43.000 But, oh, this is fucking craziness. 0.99

01:11:46.000 This is chaos. 0.99

01:11:47.000 And no one wants to admit it is.

01:11:49.000 So you're dealing with these two guys that are essentially going to...

01:11:53.000 It's going to vary very little.

01:11:55.000 Maybe there's going to be some social debate going on in here. 0.97

01:11:58.000 Maybe gay people have a harder time. 0.92

01:12:00.000 It'll be harder to get medical pot. 0.99

01:12:02.000 I mean, maybe. 0.98

01:12:03.000 But other than that, what the fuck is going to change? 0.95

01:12:05.000 Not that much. 0.97

01:12:06.000 Not that much is going to change.

01:12:08.000 2.46, alright, so we're good.

01:12:11.000 What time are you going to get out of here, Sean?

01:12:13.000 I think at 3, I've got to go over and be on Conan.

01:12:17.000 I think at 3. You think at 3?

01:12:19.000 What time do you actually go on stage there?

01:12:21.000 I don't know.

01:12:25.000 I heard they're going to wait for you.

01:12:27.000 I'm in a haze of interviews and stuff like that these days, and coming here is just kind of like taking time off.

01:12:38.000 It's like, I don't have to...

01:12:39.000 There's no hard interview questions.

01:12:42.000 It's just kind of hanging out.

01:12:43.000 It's hard when you're dealing with...

01:12:45.000 You have to try to be entertaining all the time.

01:12:48.000 Yeah, we answer the same questions over and over and over again.

01:12:52.000 I invited you to that WGA screening the other night.

01:12:55.000 Yeah.

01:12:56.000 And it was crazy because Tim Robbins was there and Tom Hanks were there.

01:13:01.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:13:02.000 It was really crazy.

01:13:03.000 That is crazy.

01:13:04.000 They were saying...

01:13:05.000 Tim Robbins was saying to me that he was like, what you're experiencing right now, this kind of haze of like press junk and all this stuff, it's basically what they would do if they, literally if they wanted to make you insane, they'd stick you in a room and ask you the same question over and over again all day until you crack.

01:13:26.000 And that's what you're doing.

01:13:27.000 That's your life right now.

01:13:29.000 Yeah, that's like if you were a guilty person, they would bring in a series of investigators that would ask you the exact same questions and see if you have the same answer.

01:13:37.000 That's actually a great idea.

01:13:39.000 If you could have like a hundred investigators and they give you the same questions and you have to give detailed stories, you would fuck that thing up.

01:13:47.000 So it's been like a hey is...

01:13:48.000 Wow.

01:13:50.000 What is your movie called?

01:13:51.000 Sleepwalk With Me.

01:13:52.000 Sleepwalk With Me?

01:13:52.000 I sent you the screener.

01:13:54.000 You did send it to me.

01:13:54.000 Did you get it?

01:13:55.000 I didn't get it yet.

01:13:56.000 Here, you want to watch the trailer?

01:13:56.000 Let's watch the trailer because I haven't seen the trailer yet.

01:13:59.000 Here we go.

01:14:01.000 It's true.

01:14:02.000 I always have to tell people that because inevitably someone will come up to me and they'll be like, is that true?

01:14:07.000 And I'll be like, yeah.

01:14:09.000 And they'll be like, was it?

01:14:11.000 I don't know how to respond to that.

01:14:13.000 Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know, like, yeah!

01:14:16.000 They'd be like, it's probably true to say it louder.

01:14:19.000 Now the big comedian, Matt Pandepiglio.

01:14:24.000 Hey, y'all ready to lip sync?

01:14:27.000 I can't hear you.

01:14:29.000 That's my lip sync joke.

01:14:33.000 So here's what happened.

01:14:34.000 My girlfriend Abby and I moved in together.

01:14:36.000 She's great.

01:14:37.000 And my sister Janet got engaged.

01:14:39.000 You're next.

01:14:39.000 It's coming your way, baby!

01:14:41.000 Batter up! 0.68

01:14:41.000 And everyone started talking about marriage. 0.68

01:14:43.000 How long have you and Abby been together?

01:14:46.000 Eight years.

01:14:47.000 I don't remember being so long. 0.91

01:14:50.000 That's ridiculous. 0.54

01:14:51.000 And that night, Abby! 0.97

01:14:52.000 I started walking in my sleep.

01:14:54.000 There's a jackal in the room!

01:14:55.000 Come back to bed.

01:14:56.000 How long has this sleepwalking been going on?

01:14:58.000 I don't think it's that serious.

01:15:00.000 As things with my girlfriend got more tense, my sleepwalking got more dangerous.

01:15:06.000 You did it, Matt, in the first place.

01:15:09.000 Thank you!

01:15:13.000 This is the first time I remember thinking, maybe I should see a doctor, and then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner.

01:15:23.000 I'm alone with dinner.

01:15:26.000 I've decided I'm not going to get married until I'm sure that nothing else good can happen in my life.

01:15:31.000 You say that on stage.

01:15:32.000 One day I asked my girlfriend, what do you fear most?

01:15:35.000 And she said, I fear you'll meet someone else and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone.

01:15:38.000 And she said, what do you fear most?

01:15:40.000 And I said, bears.

01:15:44.000 Has your girlfriend heard the jokes?

01:15:46.000 No.

01:15:46.000 You should probably mention it.

01:15:47.000 You say you're going to go see the doctor, you don't.

01:15:49.000 You say you want to be a comedian, you're a bartender. 1.00

01:15:52.000 I mean, pick a damn plan and stick with it. 0.99

01:15:55.000 He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you. 0.99

01:15:57.000 My parents have been together 40 years, which is, yeah, no, but it's too long.

01:16:03.000 If you're ever in a relationship that's moving towards marriage and you're not ready don't go to my sister Janet's wedding Nice shirt loser Sorry.

01:16:20.000 No, I like it.

01:16:21.000 It's nice.

01:16:23.000 That looks great, man.

01:16:25.000 That looks great.

01:16:26.000 Yeah, it was a couple of really good lines.

01:16:28.000 And you gave Marc Maron a part.

01:16:30.000 So that's a big, like, altruistic move.

01:16:34.000 He and I had a, I don't know, the first time I went on this podcast, we really threw down.

01:16:38.000 He really hated me.

01:16:40.000 Really?

01:16:41.000 He hated me for a long time.

01:16:42.000 Dude, he hated me for a long time, too.

01:16:44.000 Did he really? 1.00

01:16:44.000 Yeah, he's crazy. 1.00

01:16:45.000 He hates everybody. 1.00

01:16:46.000 I think he hates himself.

01:16:47.000 But then we...

01:16:48.000 He tries to be a nice guy, though.

01:16:49.000 No, no, he's been really nice to me in the last year or so.

01:16:52.000 Well, that's a nice tactic that people do.

01:16:55.000 Yeah, they create conflict, and then somehow the conflict gets resolved, and then there's like this emotional connection because you have something at stake.

01:17:02.000 I think he's a little bit addicted to conflict.

01:17:03.000 A little bit.

01:17:06.000 What did he not like about you?

01:17:07.000 Oh, we didn't know each other.

01:17:09.000 He just had this distorted perception of me.

01:17:11.000 I don't know.

01:17:12.000 And he has this issue with people selling out.

01:17:15.000 He has this issue with me doing Fear Fact. 1.00

01:17:17.000 I'm like, shut your fucking punk rock nonsense up. 1.00

01:17:22.000 Selling out. 1.00

01:17:23.000 Please.

01:17:24.000 But he's great in the movie.

01:17:25.000 Yeah, Lauren Ambrose and Carol Kane. 0.87

01:17:28.000 Mark's a good guy. 0.95

01:17:29.000 He's just crazy. 0.92

01:17:31.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:17:31.000 But that's why he's good at what he does. 0.97

01:17:33.000 He's good at what he does, yeah.

01:17:34.000 He's very good at interviewing people.

01:17:35.000 Yes.

01:17:37.000 Some people just can't quite get the spark going.

01:17:44.000 Awkward interviews, like when someone's asking half-hearted questions or doesn't have the passion for it, it's very uncomfortable to listen to.

01:17:51.000 Yes, that's most interviews.

01:17:54.000 Yeah, isn't it?

01:17:55.000 That's why those press junkets have to be maddening for you.

01:17:59.000 Especially for a stand-up when you're always aware of people's attention spans.

01:18:05.000 Well you and I were talking the other day about they want me to do all these local morning TV shows and it's hard because they don't, when you say on those local morning TV shows, when you say a joke, they'll say, I don't know what you mean.

01:18:21.000 And that's the worst.

01:18:23.000 That's the opposite of laughter.

01:18:25.000 The moment you have to start explaining a joke, you're done.

01:18:28.000 Yeah.

01:18:29.000 I was saying that if you're on one of those shows, any comedian should do this.

01:18:33.000 If you're on one of those shows, what you should do is just immediately break into a Tracy Morgan impression.

01:18:39.000 Someone's getting pregnant around here. 1.00

01:18:41.000 And you start rubbing your belly. 0.87

01:18:42.000 Because that's like the funniest thing that's ever happened on one of those morning shows.

01:18:45.000 Is Tracy Morgan rubbing his belly.

01:18:48.000 This is my main call. 1.00

01:18:50.000 This shit is my main call. 1.00

01:18:51.000 Someone's getting pregnant. 1.00

01:18:53.000 And when he did that, this poor fool on this silly show was just flabbergasted. 0.99

01:18:58.000 Hey Tracy! 1.00

01:19:00.000 Yeah.

01:19:01.000 He didn't know what to say.

01:19:03.000 Just like stuck with a wild man on a show.

01:19:06.000 Yeah.

01:19:07.000 Someone getting pregnant! 1.00

01:19:08.000 He would slap his belly and go, this is my mating call!

01:19:12.000 So did you write a book first?

01:19:15.000 Is that how this movie came out?

01:19:16.000 It was a one-man show.

01:19:17.000 It was a one-man show.

01:19:18.000 It was off-Broadway in New York.

01:19:19.000 Sleepwalk With Me, the one-man show.

01:19:21.000 And then I adapted it into a film.

01:19:23.000 And then along the way, I actually did...

01:19:26.000 I wrote a book that was Sleepwalk With Me.

01:19:28.000 It was a chapter in the book.

01:19:30.000 Sleepwalk With Me and other painfully true stories.

01:19:31.000 It was just...

01:19:32.000 Comedic essays about sort of painful.

01:19:34.000 So the sleepwalking part is true?

01:19:36.000 Yeah, I jumped through a second-story window in my sleep.

01:19:38.000 Oh my god.

01:19:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:19:40.000 Holy shit, dude. 1.00

01:19:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:19:42.000 So you wake up when?

01:19:44.000 When you hit the ground?

01:19:44.000 I woke up as I was running on the front lawn in my underwear bleeding.

01:19:48.000 Oh my god.

01:19:49.000 Oh my god.

01:19:50.000 Yeah.

01:19:51.000 Second-story window.

01:19:53.000 That's like some...

01:19:53.000 At La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington.

01:19:56.000 Holy shit! 0.99

01:19:57.000 So you were on the road? 1.00

01:19:58.000 I was on the road, yeah.

01:19:59.000 Oh my god.

01:20:02.000 How crazy are you on a 1 to 10?

01:20:03.000 What's going on here?

01:20:04.000 What's going on is I was diagnosed with what's called REM behavior disorder.

01:20:09.000 But on a scale of 1 to 10, 8. Every comic's crazy.

01:20:15.000 Why are we all so crazy?

01:20:17.000 I don't know.

01:20:18.000 There's something up with comedians.

01:20:21.000 So do you have like a tool now that you travel with?

01:20:23.000 Like a belt that's like hooked up to like a...

01:20:26.000 No joke.

01:20:26.000 I sleep every night in a sleeping bag up to my neck.

01:20:30.000 And for a while I would wear mittens so I couldn't open the sleeping bag.

01:20:34.000 And I take medication.

01:20:35.000 I take an anti-anxiety that the doctor prescribed.

01:20:39.000 Wow.

01:20:39.000 Yeah.

01:20:40.000 That's so strange.

01:20:41.000 Is there a trigger?

01:20:43.000 Is there something that...

01:20:44.000 Anxiety, stress, sleep deprivation.

01:20:47.000 Like all the stuff that's really not good sleep hygiene.

01:20:50.000 Wow, and it makes you just completely not know what you're doing.

01:20:54.000 It makes me act out my dreams.

01:20:56.000 Usually, my dreams have to do with me running away from some kind of demon or wild animal. 1.00

01:21:03.000 Wow, what the fuck, man? 1.00

01:21:06.000 Holy shit, that's got to be crazy. 1.00

01:21:08.000 I know. 0.99

01:21:08.000 I've told this on stage before about being in San Francisco during a fire. 0.99

01:21:15.000 And it was 4.30 in the morning.

01:21:17.000 We all got evacuated from the hotel room.

01:21:19.000 And a lot of people sleep with Ambien. 0.99

01:21:22.000 And when they're woken up like that, they don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.98

01:21:27.000 And you could see it in their face, and they would wake up in the middle of walking down the stairs. 0.97

01:21:32.000 So this guy was in front of us, and he was in the middle. 0.75

01:21:34.000 And there's a fucking whole line of people trying to get out of this hotel, right? 0.72

01:21:38.000 Hundreds of people on the stairs. 0.98

01:21:39.000 And it's a really narrow staircase where only one person sits at the time.

01:21:43.000 I know those staircases as well.

01:21:44.000 Well, people were waking up.

01:21:45.000 Like, where are we doing?

01:21:45.000 What are we doing?

01:21:46.000 What's going on?

01:21:47.000 Like, waking up in the middle of walking down the stairs.

01:21:50.000 And the wife was, like, yelling at the guy, just keep walking.

01:21:53.000 The hotel's...

01:21:54.000 Hotel?

01:21:54.000 What hotel?

01:21:55.000 Where are we?

01:21:56.000 We're in San Francisco.

01:21:58.000 The hotel's on fire.

01:21:59.000 We're on fire? 0.98

01:22:00.000 Like, literally didn't know what the fuck was going on. 0.99

01:22:04.000 Just whacked out on Ambien. 0.99

01:22:07.000 Kevin James made a turkey when he was on Ambien.

01:22:10.000 Really?

01:22:10.000 Yeah, he made a turkey.

01:22:11.000 No kidding. 1.00

01:22:13.000 Made a fucking turkey. 1.00

01:22:14.000 Didn't know about it. 1.00

01:22:15.000 Got up in the morning and was like, what the fuck is all this? 0.99

01:22:17.000 Like, didn't know that he went and he cooked some food. 1.00

01:22:21.000 That is insane.

01:22:22.000 It happens to people all the time.

01:22:23.000 My sister, growing up, when she was like 11 or 12, my mom found her walking down the street of her neighborhood naked. 0.57

01:22:29.000 And I'm like thinking, what are the odds that maybe just some guy drove by and was like, what?

01:22:34.000 A naked 11-year-old walking down the street? 0.57

01:22:36.000 My lucky day.

01:22:37.000 There was a guy who was convicted of...

01:22:41.000 He murdered someone close to him, like his parents or his mother-in-law or something like that, drove to their house in his sleep.

01:22:50.000 Do you know this case?

01:22:51.000 There's cases where it's been used as an alibi.

01:22:54.000 But this guy got off.

01:22:55.000 Yeah, no, people have gotten off.

01:22:57.000 He killed her with like a crowbar.

01:22:58.000 I'm going to start sleepwalking.

01:23:01.000 You can't talk about it first on a podcast, dude.

01:23:05.000 That's a paper trail right there.

01:23:08.000 How could you get away with that in a court of law?

01:23:14.000 Since you have it, what would they say?

01:23:17.000 If I killed somebody?

01:23:18.000 No, anything you do. 0.55

01:23:20.000 Obviously, when you walked out that window, there's no question that you were dreaming.

01:23:24.000 Yeah, I had a dream that there was a guided missile headed towards my hotel room.

01:23:28.000 And that there were all these military personnel in the room with me.

01:23:32.000 And they said, the military personnel said to me, the missile coordinates are set specifically on you.

01:23:37.000 So I jumped out my window so as to detonate outside the window for the sake of the platoon. 0.86

01:23:44.000 Wow.

01:23:45.000 That's insane.

01:23:47.000 Yeah, this guy beat his mother-in-law to death and choked his father-in-law into unconsciousness.

01:23:56.000 Jesus Christ.

01:23:58.000 Yeah.

01:23:59.000 When was the last episode that you had that was even just a slight problem?

01:24:02.000 Well, you know what's crazy is that making a film...

01:24:05.000 Is actually not the healthiest thing for sleep disorders.

01:24:10.000 I was having anxiety and sleep deprived and I was directing.

01:24:15.000 I was directing myself, acting out things that I had done in my life.

01:24:19.000 I had an episode where I was sleepwalking and my wife came in and I was adjusting lamps in the bedroom and she was like, what are you doing?

01:24:26.000 And I was like, we're shooting.

01:24:28.000 And she was like, no, we're not shooting.

01:24:30.000 And I go, I'm sorry, but we are.

01:24:32.000 Like, I was actually patronizing her, which is the worst thing you can do when you're sleepwalking is just insult people for not understanding your reality. 1.00

01:24:40.000 Like, oh, you're so stupid. 1.00

01:24:42.000 You don't get it. 1.00

01:24:44.000 You just don't get it.

01:24:46.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:46.000 That's got to be so weird.

01:24:48.000 Has anybody ever videotaped you doing it?

01:24:50.000 No.

01:24:51.000 That would have been the great wacky credits for your movie.

01:24:55.000 In the credits of the movie are the actual photographs of the window I jumped through and me at the hospital.

01:25:03.000 I took photos of all of it because when it happened I knew no one's going to believe this.

01:25:09.000 This is too crazy.

01:25:11.000 And so that's the credits of the movie.

01:25:13.000 You smashed the window and everything?

01:25:15.000 You did it like James Bond style?

01:25:16.000 I jumped through the window like the Hulk.

01:25:17.000 And I say that because that's how I described it at the emergency room.

01:25:20.000 I was like, you know the Hulk?

01:25:21.000 He just jumps through windows and walls.

01:25:23.000 That's like me. 1.00

01:25:24.000 Holy shit, dude. 0.96

01:25:26.000 I've never videoed myself, but I have this great new video technology called My Wife, who remembers everything I see, whatever I do or say. 0.98

01:25:36.000 So she's kind of explained to me what it looks like.

01:25:39.000 She's your dictator. 1.00

01:25:40.000 She dictates. 0.75

01:25:41.000 It's kind of a hacky men-woman thing, but my wife remembers everything. 0.99

01:25:48.000 Everything.

01:25:49.000 That's funny.

01:25:50.000 Your ride's here, by the way.

01:25:52.000 Oh, is it?

01:25:52.000 Yeah.

01:25:52.000 Is it?

01:25:53.000 Well, dude, thank you very much.

01:25:54.000 This is a story that we were talking about, if anybody's interested in looking up.

01:25:58.000 There was a guy from Toronto, and he lost his job due to embezzlement, and he suffered from a gambling addiction.

01:26:06.000 So the guy was in some serious, serious debt, so because of that he had a high level of stress and sleep induced insomnia.

01:26:14.000 And he drove, he got up in his car, rose from his bed, he drove 14 miles to the home of his wife's parents.

01:26:20.000 That's unreal.

01:26:21.000 Yeah, he removed a tire iron from the car, entered the house, and he beat the mother-in-law to death, choked the father-in-law unconsciousness, and then he used a knife from the kitchen to stab them.

01:26:30.000 I don't buy that though.

01:26:32.000 I don't buy that as an alibi. 1.00

01:26:34.000 He seems like a cunt anyway. 1.00

01:26:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:36.000 And then he turned himself into a police station. 1.00

01:26:39.000 I don't buy that.

01:26:40.000 Because, I mean, I have this disorder and I could not imagine doing anything that...

01:26:45.000 Like, basically, the reason I wear a sleeping bag is that if you undo the sleeping bag, the moment you start doing something that requires dexterity and focus and concentration, that's what wakes you up.

01:26:56.000 Yeah, I would imagine...

01:26:57.000 I feel like driving a car is very specific.

01:27:00.000 Dude, they should have called you.

01:27:01.000 They should have called you in the courtroom.

01:27:03.000 Where am I in that story?

01:27:04.000 Yeah, because I think...

01:27:06.000 I'm pretty sure this guy got off.

01:27:08.000 Yeah.

01:27:09.000 I don't...

01:27:10.000 Yeah, I think he got acquitted, man.

01:27:12.000 The jury acquitted Parks of murder and later of attempted murder, although the government appealed the 1992 Supreme Court of Canada...

01:27:19.000 See, it's Canada, though.

01:27:20.000 That's the problem.

01:27:21.000 They're too nice up there. 1.00

01:27:23.000 American would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

01:27:26.000 Oh, you're sleepwalking when you beat someone to death with a tire iron? 1.00

01:27:29.000 Yeah, nothing wakes you up like metal to bone.

01:27:32.000 Crack over and over again in your hands, vibrating in your hands. 0.66

01:27:36.000 Your mother-in-law's skull.

01:27:38.000 Really?

01:27:38.000 And that doesn't wake you up?

01:27:39.000 Get the fuck out of here, you crazy asshole. 1.00

01:27:42.000 Right? 1.00

01:27:42.000 Mike Barbiglia? 1.00

01:27:44.000 Dude, your movie looks fucking awesome. 0.95

01:27:45.000 Thanks! 0.73

01:27:46.000 It really looks cool.

01:27:47.000 It's in, if people want to find it, it's in 30 cities in theaters this weekend.

01:27:52.000 And will it be available on Netflix and iTunes and all that stuff soon?

01:27:55.000 Soon it will be available, all these places, but it's, right now it's going to, it's booked, if you go on sleepwalkmovie.com, you can see in the next month it's going to open in 170 movie theaters around the country.

01:28:05.000 Listen, if you ever want to come back in, we'd love to have you.

01:28:07.000 Thanks.

01:28:07.000 Anytime you want.

01:28:08.000 It's really fun.

01:28:08.000 Whenever you're in town, just, anytime, just let me know.

01:28:11.000 And if you need help promoting anything, let me know as well and we'll hook it up.

01:28:15.000 Thanks a lot.

01:28:16.000 So thank you very much for coming on.

01:28:18.000 Thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring our podcast.

01:28:21.000 Use the code name ROGAN and save yourself 10% off. 0.99

01:28:24.000 I'm sorry, you dirty bitches. 1.00

01:28:26.000 And we will see you guys Friday. 0.98

01:28:29.000 We're probably going to do an Ice House Chronicles here because it's going to be Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, me, and Doug Stanhope as well at the Ice House.

01:28:39.000 What?

01:28:39.000 Doug's coming?

01:28:40.000 Yeah, Doug's going to come. 0.99

01:28:40.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

01:28:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:28:41.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:28:42.000 Doug's going to be here Friday. 0.98

01:28:43.000 And of course, Doug and I are also still doing the End of the World show, December 21st, 2012, at the Wiltern Theater in L.A. with Joey Diaz and Honey Honey, the band.

01:28:54.000 Tell Doug I said hi.

01:28:55.000 I will, I will for sure.

01:28:56.000 He's the best.

01:28:57.000 Yeah, I love him.

01:28:58.000 Please buy a t-shirt.

01:28:59.000 Yeah, we're doing something for Tosh.0 on Friday, so after that he's going to come down and do the shows at the Ice House.

01:29:06.000 So that's Friday and Saturday.

01:29:08.000 Next weekend, I'm in Santa Barbara at the Lobero Theater.

01:29:11.000 I don't even know what that's like, but Santa Barbara's pretty badass, so I can't wait to... 0.99

01:29:16.000 All that shit's on my Twitter page. 0.98

01:29:17.000 Go to my Twitter page. 1.00

01:29:18.000 Go to Berbiglia's Twitter page. 0.94

01:29:19.000 Berbiglia, goddammit.

01:29:21.000 At Berbigs.

01:29:22.000 Berbigs. 1.00

01:29:23.000 And Redband is R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter.

01:29:26.000 And Desquad.tv if you want to buy the new Desquad t-shirt that is like a ripoff of a bunch of big companies that are probably going to wind up suing him.

01:29:35.000 He'll have to take it down.

01:29:36.000 So get in on it now while it's still a collector's item.

01:29:38.000 That's right.

01:29:39.000 All right, you freaks.

01:29:40.000 We will see you Friday.

01:29:42.000 Thanks to everybody.

01:29:43.000 We don't have any more podcasts this week, do we?

01:29:45.000 Ice House.

01:29:46.000 Ice House.

01:29:47.000 Right.

01:29:47.000 Okay.

01:29:48.000 So we'll see you guys Friday on the Ice House Chronicles.

01:29:51.000 And then next week, we've got a bunch of people next week. 0.97

01:29:54.000 A bunch of good shit's happening. 0.93

01:29:55.000 I'll keep you guys in tune.

01:29:56.000 Thank you, everybody, for...

01:29:57.000 All the positive messages on Twitter and Facebook and all that good shit and all the cool people that come out to the comedy stores.

01:30:04.000 And comedy stores? 0.88

01:30:05.000 Shows?

01:30:05.000 Places?

01:30:06.000 I should stop talking at a certain point in time.

01:30:08.000 I've said too many words.

01:30:09.000 They're meaningless now.

01:30:10.000 It's all just noise out of my mouth. 0.99

01:30:11.000 You know what the fuck I'm talking about, people. 0.99

01:30:13.000 We love you guys. 0.98

01:30:13.000 Thank you very much. 0.98

01:30:14.000 See you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 30, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #259 - Mike Birbiglia

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Transcript