The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #297 - Dom Irrera

00:00:02.000 The powerful Dom Arrera is here, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:00:06.000 I am typing that shit as I talk to you. 0.98

00:00:10.000 That's why I seem like I'm slow. 1.00

00:00:12.000 But I wrote Damn Arrera. 0.96

00:00:15.000 See? 1.00

00:00:15.000 Damn Arrera. 1.00

00:00:16.000 That damn Arrera. 1.00

00:00:17.000 It ruins everything. 1.00

00:00:18.000 That Arrera character.

00:00:20.000 Why did he get over to soda like I told him to?

00:00:22.000 Dom Herrera is one of my favorite human beings on the planet, but he also drives a car from many decades ago.

00:00:32.000 It's an antique!

00:00:34.000 It is an antique.

00:00:35.000 Now, I'll tell you what, that car would be worth a lot of money to a young upcoming comic if they found out they could get ahold of Dom Herrera's Lexus.

00:00:45.000 Well, you know, I called it the Cher, because I was on tour with Cher, and I got all this extra cash in the summer.

00:00:51.000 So I go in and buy a car, and I said, I'll give you $40,000, because I can't do that.

00:00:56.000 I said, alright.

00:00:57.000 He goes, wait, come back.

00:00:58.000 I said, that's what I'm going to give you.

00:00:59.000 I just got a brand new Honda.

00:01:01.000 I don't need a Lexus.

00:01:02.000 I just want one because it's cool.

00:01:03.000 Then he went, let me talk to my friend.

00:01:05.000 Then he comes back and goes, you know, I like you.

00:01:06.000 I go, I can't believe you like me.

00:01:07.000 You like me?

00:01:08.000 You just met me.

00:01:09.000 That's amazing.

00:01:11.000 What a quick, wonderful relationship this is.

00:01:14.000 It's beautiful.

00:01:14.000 Then I got the car.

00:01:15.000 I paid cash. 1.00

00:01:16.000 Yeah, that's a war horse of a fucking car. 1.00

00:01:19.000 But Don Rivera has no goddamn navigation system in that thing. 1.00

00:01:22.000 But it looks beautiful. 0.99

00:01:23.000 I listen to the ground like an Indian scout. 0.79

00:01:25.000 I'm out there.

00:01:27.000 I'm feeling the wheels beneath my feet.

00:01:29.000 The radio doesn't even work.

00:01:30.000 I don't even fix it. 0.99

00:01:31.000 I had my radio break once and I thought up more shit that day than any other day. 0.97

00:01:37.000 I should break my radio all the time. 0.99

00:01:39.000 The biggest drag of that car is it only has a tape deck.

00:01:42.000 Oh, no, it doesn't!

00:01:44.000 It's a tape deck!

00:01:45.000 It's really hard to get tapes.

00:01:47.000 I went into a place and they have no tapes left. 0.91

00:01:51.000 That is goddamn hilarious. 0.93

00:01:52.000 You have a tape deck. 0.98

00:01:54.000 But all these other cars, I got a brand new Cadillac for leasing and all that.

00:01:59.000 Something went wrong with them.

00:02:00.000 This one, nothing stops it. 0.99

00:02:01.000 Well, you know, those Lexuses are fucking bulletproof. 0.99

00:02:03.000 You know what else is bulletproofed on my railroad? 0.99

00:02:05.000 Onnit.com.

00:02:06.000 That's right.

00:02:06.000 Onnit.

00:02:07.000 O-N-N-I-T. Get yourself some bulletproof coffee.

00:02:10.000 Mix it up with fresh butter that comes from grass-fed cows.

00:02:15.000 That's the only way to go.

00:02:15.000 And some MCT oil.

00:02:16.000 Joe, could you repeat that?

00:02:17.000 Because I didn't get that.

00:02:18.000 This is a complicated advertisement.

00:02:21.000 Okay, onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. What you need to do is get some Shroom Tech Sport in your life, Dom Herrera.

00:02:28.000 Some what?

00:02:28.000 Shroom Tech Sport.

00:02:29.000 Oh yeah, Shroom Tech Sport.

00:02:32.000 I just ran out.

00:02:34.000 You need to get some.

00:02:35.000 I'll give you some Alphabrade too.

00:02:36.000 I actually have a gift pack for you.

00:02:38.000 Jamie, there's some little boxes in there, little gold Onnit boxes.

00:02:42.000 I just got here and I'm getting gifts.

00:02:44.000 For everybody that comes on the podcast now, we give them an Onnit gift pack. 0.94

00:02:48.000 And in the honor gift packet, it has all sorts of groovy shit, including buffalo jerky made with real cranberries. 0.90

00:02:54.000 Yeah, if you're hungry, that's going to get me hepped up on something. 0.98

00:02:57.000 No, no, no, no, no, no hepped up on nothing.

00:02:59.000 None of these things will get you high, but the alpha brain will definitely, hopefully, if it works for you.

00:03:06.000 It works for almost everybody, but I believe people when they say it has no effect on them.

00:03:11.000 I absolutely believe them. 0.99

00:03:12.000 I don't know how your fucking dome works. 1.00

00:03:14.000 I don't even understand how mine works. 0.99

00:03:16.000 But I do know that every single ingredient, if you go to Onnit.com, there's a whole page that's based on the science behind all of these supplements.

00:03:25.000 And all of it has been shown to increase memory or aid in test scores.

00:03:32.000 They're all just essentially nutrients that help cognitive function.

00:03:36.000 It's a very controversial thing.

00:03:38.000 And because it's controversial, we want to treat this thing as evenly and as honestly and as morally as possible.

00:03:46.000 It's kind of hard to do when you run a business.

00:03:48.000 But the idea behind Onnit is a real genuine and honest one. 0.96

00:03:53.000 And it's to try to sell you the best shit possible at a very reasonable price and make it so that no one feels ripped off.

00:04:02.000 And one of the ways we do that is we have a 90-day, 100% money-back guarantee on The first 30 pills, whether it's AlphaBrain or ShroomTech, If you try it, you use it, you don't feel like it had an effect on you, get your money back. 0.96

00:04:16.000 You don't have to return the product.

00:04:17.000 No one's trying to rip you off. 0.98

00:04:19.000 But what we are doing is selling you the best shit possible that we actually use ourselves. 0.98

00:04:26.000 I actually use Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech, New Mood. 0.98

00:04:30.000 I use these daily.

00:04:31.000 Hemp Force. 1.00

00:04:32.000 I eat that shit daily. 1.00

00:04:33.000 I use all this stuff. 1.00

00:04:35.000 You must have used a lot of it last night after that killer set you had.

00:04:38.000 I used the kettlebells, Dominic.

00:04:39.000 It was a battle rope workout.

00:04:41.000 Anyway, go to Onnit.com, use the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 10% off. 1.00

00:04:45.000 Have you been playing that fucking game? 0.99

00:04:47.000 Yeah, I actually play it on the toilet. 1.00

00:04:50.000 I have an iPad now in my toilet that I use, an old iPad.

00:04:55.000 There's an image I'd like to get out of my head.

00:04:58.000 Yeah, if you play it on the toilet, man, you've got to be real careful of those legs getting numb.

00:05:03.000 Yeah, I'm more concerned about the hemorrhoid that it's created.

00:05:06.000 I got an eye hemorrhoid.

00:05:08.000 You have hemorrhoids and it comes from forcing things?

00:05:10.000 Is that what hemorrhoids come from?

00:05:11.000 From sitting on the toilet too long.

00:05:12.000 I sit on the toilet, like, all the time. 1.00

00:05:15.000 Break your ass. 1.00

00:05:16.000 What a social life, huh? 1.00

00:05:17.000 It's comfortable.

00:05:18.000 It's warm.

00:05:19.000 It's comfortable.

00:05:20.000 Plus, the dude does not have a lot of lettuce in his diet.

00:05:23.000 No roughage? 1.00

00:05:24.000 His shits are a struggle. 1.00

00:05:25.000 I shit so much. 1.00

00:05:27.000 Each one's a battle. 1.00

00:05:28.000 Tell me about it. 1.00

00:05:29.000 I shit a lot. 0.99

00:05:30.000 I poop all the time. 1.00

00:05:31.000 Do you?

00:05:32.000 Yeah.

00:05:32.000 This coffee is just like two poops waiting to happen.

00:05:35.000 Well, that's good.

00:05:36.000 When you're not pooping, you got a real problem.

00:05:38.000 I was watching this show the other day.

00:05:40.000 Oh, it was Anthony Bourdain's show, and it was on Philadelphia.

00:05:45.000 And his other show, you know, he's got those two different shows.

00:05:49.000 One of them is called Layover, and it was that one.

00:05:53.000 And one of the things in Philadelphia, they went to this museum where they had this guy with a gigantic colon. 0.98

00:05:58.000 And sometimes it would be like six to ten days in between shits. 0.99

00:06:02.000 This guy didn't shit for like six days. 1.00

00:06:04.000 And his colon was enormous. 1.00

00:06:07.000 It was disgusting. 0.95

00:06:08.000 So don't let that happen.

00:06:09.000 How did they find out that he had an enormous colon?

00:06:12.000 Well, he was distended. 0.96

00:06:14.000 As he was alive, he looked disgusting. 0.89

00:06:16.000 It was really horrendous looking.

00:06:18.000 And they saved it in this museum. 0.99

00:06:22.000 It's a museum of all fucked up body anomalies. 0.99

00:06:26.000 I have a friend who used to think it was manly not to pee. 0.99

00:06:30.000 What?

00:06:30.000 And he would drink beer.

00:06:31.000 He would drink like a 10-pack of beer.

00:06:32.000 What?

00:06:33.000 Listen, this is crazy.

00:06:34.000 He got a distended bladder from it, and it has no resiliency.

00:06:38.000 So now he has to use a catheter. 0.97

00:06:40.000 So every time, it's so fucking sad. 0.99

00:06:42.000 He broke his bladder? 0.99

00:06:42.000 He didn't break it. 0.99

00:06:43.000 He had distended it.

00:06:44.000 So it's so stretched out.

00:06:46.000 That it can't hold water anymore.

00:06:47.000 Yeah, so he just has to use a catheter.

00:06:49.000 Oh my god.

00:06:49.000 Can you imagine he did it to himself?

00:06:51.000 All the fucking things that happened to us in life, he did it to himself. 0.99

00:06:54.000 You know, he thought he was like Spartacus, you know, not peeing. 1.00

00:06:57.000 That made him strong.

00:06:58.000 Wow, that's kind of an interesting approach to life.

00:07:01.000 Oh, that's just talking about backfire.

00:07:03.000 I think I should have peed.

00:07:05.000 That has nothing to do, Don, with playing Blade Slinger while you're on the toilet.

00:07:09.000 I see that.

00:07:10.000 Kerosene Games is one of our new sponsors, and they have this new game called Blade Runner, or Blade Slinger.

00:07:15.000 I keep saying Blade Runner.

00:07:16.000 Blade Runner.

00:07:17.000 Too close. 0.98

00:07:17.000 It's Blade Slinger, goddammit. 0.98

00:07:19.000 Look at that. 0.98

00:07:20.000 It's pretty dope.

00:07:21.000 The graphics are amazing.

00:07:23.000 That's the actual graphics of the game.

00:07:25.000 I mean, it is really well done.

00:07:27.000 And it's not a game that's ported over from a computer.

00:07:31.000 They designed them specifically for the iPad-iPhone interface, the way it works with no buttons and touchscreen and everything like that.

00:07:38.000 So everything works intuitively with that. 0.99

00:07:41.000 It's a fun fucking game. 0.99

00:07:42.000 And it's a really good deal, too. 0.99

00:07:44.000 It's only $2.99.

00:07:45.000 $2.99, and it's fun to play.

00:07:48.000 And Kerosene Games, their whole goal, their whole mission is to make the coolest video games available specifically for mobile devices.

00:07:59.000 So that's what they're working on.

00:08:00.000 Who does the main character look like?

00:08:02.000 He looks like you.

00:08:03.000 No, he looks like Jamie.

00:08:04.000 Get out of here.

00:08:05.000 Jamie who? 1.00

00:08:06.000 That looks like you, bitch. 1.00

00:08:07.000 That's not me. 1.00

00:08:07.000 That's you, more than Jamie. 1.00

00:08:09.000 Jamie, employee number two.

00:08:12.000 Oh, okay.

00:08:12.000 Anyway, Blade Slinger.

00:08:14.000 Go get it on the iPad.

00:08:16.000 You can get it on the iPhone.

00:08:17.000 And they're working on a version of it for Android, apparently.

00:08:21.000 But they do not.

00:08:22.000 It says ETA January, February, high-end Android devices as well.

00:08:27.000 Like the Galaxy S3? The Galaxy S3 from Ting, if you've been playing with it.

00:08:31.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:08:32.000 The map.

00:08:32.000 I tell you, man, there's a few things that Android has going for it, for sure.

00:08:37.000 Especially the Galaxy S3. And one is the Google Maps.

00:08:41.000 Just having Google Maps back, the original application that's not on the iPhone anymore...

00:08:46.000 It's so nice.

00:08:47.000 And on the Galaxy S3, the screen's so big, and you have like, oh, nice maps, big screen.

00:08:54.000 It's nice, but I'm still playing with it.

00:08:57.000 I don't know if it's just because I'm so used to the iPhone for the last five years using the same operating system Or if it's just like, everything's set up so nice on the iPhone.

00:09:05.000 It's very intuitive on the iPhone.

00:09:08.000 I find like, although Android phones I really like, they can be a bit like Windows, where once you know where the fuck everything is, everything's cool.

00:09:18.000 But before then, it's like, why is it here?

00:09:20.000 What is this doing? 0.98

00:09:21.000 Where the fuck is that? 0.99

00:09:22.000 I definitely would never go, hey mom, get an Android. 0.99

00:09:26.000 Over an iPhone. 1.00

00:09:27.000 Because it is like, oh, you have to figure that shit out. 0.99

00:09:29.000 Just defrag. 0.99

00:09:30.000 Well, you would if you wanted her to call you and need you.

00:09:32.000 If you're, like, real needy.

00:09:33.000 You would tell her to get an Android phone.

00:09:35.000 Oh, that's true.

00:09:36.000 Just so you'd have to give her advice all the time.

00:09:38.000 Anyway, my advice to you, go get Blade Slinger. 0.89

00:09:41.000 Get it for the iPad and support this cool game company, Kerosene Games.

00:09:46.000 Because they support the podcast.

00:09:48.000 And it's only $2.99.

00:09:49.000 My advice to you is you don't need segues, mister. 1.00

00:09:51.000 I'm a master at this shit! 1.00

00:09:53.000 They come naturally. 1.00

00:09:55.000 They flow.

00:09:56.000 Next week is when I am releasing my stand-up special.

00:10:00.000 Next Tuesday, the 18th.

00:10:03.000 So I finally got it all together.

00:10:05.000 I know it took a long-ass time.

00:10:07.000 It took a lot longer than I thought it was going to take, but thanks everybody for your patience and even the people that asked about it.

00:10:13.000 No one was being douchey about it, but it was, you know, I agree.

00:10:17.000 I mean, I recorded it in April.

00:10:18.000 It's finally coming out.

00:10:19.000 Is this just the stand-up special or is there any extra bonus features?

00:10:24.000 Yeah, we're going to have some other shit too, but as of right now, like, It's just a stand-up special.

00:10:29.000 Some of that material that you did last night, is some of that in there? 0.93

00:10:32.000 No, that's all new stuff, I think. 0.98

00:10:34.000 Oh, that was fucking killer last night. 0.95

00:10:35.000 Yeah, you got the really new stuff. 1.00

00:10:38.000 You got the no vagina joke. 1.00

00:10:43.000 That's groundbreaking. 0.92

00:10:46.000 Well, thanks, man. 0.98

00:10:47.000 Last night was fun as fuck. 0.99

00:10:48.000 Dom Herrera is here, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:10:50.000 This is the end of the commercials. 1.00

00:10:52.000 Use the code name ROGEN to go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:10:54.000 Dom Herrera is here, goddammit. 1.00

00:10:57.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:10:58.000 Old school. 1.00

00:10:59.000 I can't believe I found the place. 0.92

00:11:00.000 One of the greats, goddammit.

00:11:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:11:12.000 If one hour into the podcast, Brian becomes a bundle of energy and super-duper talkative, it may or may not be because he got a hold of some provigil.

00:11:22.000 Provigil?

00:11:23.000 Provigil.

00:11:23.000 May or may not be.

00:11:24.000 I need that.

00:11:25.000 What's that?

00:11:25.000 Some stuff that keeps you awake.

00:11:27.000 I was told to take it.

00:11:28.000 I don't need that.

00:11:30.000 The way he looked at me like, oh boy, I don't need that.

00:11:32.000 That's one of the worst things you could ever do to me, Joe.

00:11:35.000 That's the thing about comedians, man.

00:11:36.000 We love to get our sleep on.

00:11:38.000 Well, I mean, speed would kill me.

00:11:40.000 I like downs.

00:11:41.000 I like tranquilizers.

00:11:43.000 If I was going to do any drug, I would do heroin.

00:11:47.000 From what they say, it feels like.

00:11:49.000 Robert Schimmel told me he accidentally took Adderall once.

00:11:52.000 He thought it was one of his pills after he had his heart condition.

00:11:57.000 He had cancer.

00:12:00.000 And he had a heart condition as well, right?

00:12:01.000 He was having heart problems.

00:12:04.000 Whatever he was on, whatever medication he was on, he accidentally took someone else's Adderall.

00:12:09.000 Well, he was worried, but his doctor said he would be okay.

00:12:12.000 He said, what's the pill that you took?

00:12:14.000 How many milligrams?

00:12:15.000 You're going to be fine.

00:12:16.000 This is going to take a while.

00:12:17.000 Just go get things done.

00:12:19.000 So he went running around his house.

00:12:21.000 He said he organized his office.

00:12:22.000 He said he organized all of his notes and put them in alphabetical order. 0.99

00:12:25.000 He was like doing shit that he would never do without it. 0.97

00:12:28.000 It makes you think, like, man, if you could manage that correctly, if you were confident that you could manage that Adderall stuff, it seems like you get a lot of shit done on that. 0.99

00:12:39.000 Coffee gets me high. 0.97

00:12:40.000 Oh, it definitely does.

00:12:42.000 Yeah, I mean, that's why, especially Starbucks.

00:12:44.000 I mean, that's why this stuff is everywhere.

00:12:47.000 Everybody's addicted to this stuff. 0.98

00:12:48.000 How fucked up was that last night? 0.99

00:12:49.000 I had two drinks and I couldn't interview you. 0.99

00:12:52.000 We were fun.

00:12:53.000 It was fun.

00:12:54.000 I had fun, but I had to think.

00:12:56.000 Usually, with you, it just flows.

00:12:58.000 But I'm telling you, the two drinks affected me.

00:13:00.000 Ever since I said I stopped drinking...

00:13:02.000 I thought you stopped drinking.

00:13:05.000 I did.

00:13:06.000 But I do.

00:13:07.000 I stopped drinking, and then I have a couple drinks every night almost to celebrate my sobriety.

00:13:11.000 And that's what happens.

00:13:13.000 I get higher because I don't drink as much, and I had those two Irish coffees. 1.00

00:13:18.000 I was fucking fucked. 0.99

00:13:19.000 How many days a week are you back to drinking? 1.00

00:13:24.000 Seven.

00:13:24.000 Right away!

00:13:25.000 No, I actually didn't drink on Monday.

00:13:28.000 And I told my goddaughter who lives with me, I go, you know, I quit drinking again.

00:13:33.000 She said, it's only Tuesday.

00:13:35.000 You drank Sunday.

00:13:36.000 I was hungover the whole day.

00:13:38.000 So, yeah, it's a tough one.

00:13:41.000 Yeah, I usually stop drinking on hangovers.

00:13:42.000 You did really well for several months.

00:13:45.000 I did well for three months, yeah.

00:13:46.000 And then what happened?

00:13:48.000 I don't know, it's just...

00:13:49.000 Can you chuck me those keys down?

00:13:50.000 Sorry.

00:13:50.000 Those keys are on that table.

00:13:52.000 I know I'm going to forget them.

00:13:53.000 You just missed it?

00:13:54.000 I missed it.

00:13:54.000 You know, I missed the fun.

00:13:55.000 And you know, one of the girls at the Laugh Factory, a friend of mine, she said to me, she called me like basically a pussy, right? 0.99

00:14:02.000 A friend of mine, Julianne, right? 0.99

00:14:03.000 She says, uh...

00:14:05.000 Are you going to have a couple drinks with me tonight or are you going to show me a chip for how long it's been since you quit drinking?

00:14:11.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:12.000 Wow, what a friend.

00:14:14.000 I have another friend I play ping pong with and he'll put a martini under my nose.

00:14:21.000 Doesn't that look good?

00:14:22.000 I have just the opposite of supportive friends.

00:14:25.000 I have friends that try to get me to drink.

00:14:26.000 It's like a reverse intervention.

00:14:28.000 Why do they do that?

00:14:29.000 I don't know, just for fun.

00:14:31.000 I mean, if it didn't bloat me...

00:14:33.000 Do you get hangovers?

00:14:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:36.000 Yeah.

00:14:36.000 Okay.

00:14:37.000 They last all day now for me.

00:14:39.000 They used to be...

00:14:39.000 Yeah.

00:14:40.000 Like, the whole day.

00:14:40.000 Like, I'll have a hangover at, like, 10 o'clock at night and go, all right, I guess I'm ready to drink just to get rid of this.

00:14:44.000 You've got to really over-hydrate.

00:14:47.000 That's the key.

00:14:48.000 When you feel that...

00:14:48.000 That coconut water's good.

00:14:49.000 It's very good for that.

00:14:50.000 When you feel that headache, that's mostly dehydration, I believe.

00:14:54.000 I don't get a headache.

00:14:55.000 I get nervous.

00:14:57.000 You get nervous?

00:14:57.000 I get, like, anxiety.

00:14:58.000 Heart palpitations.

00:14:59.000 No, just like, I don't know, you know.

00:15:02.000 Well, you realize you're killing your body slowly.

00:15:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:04.000 You know, that's the feeling.

00:15:05.000 Like, you realize you're impending doom. 0.99

00:15:07.000 That's a danger being a comedian, too, because you can fucking live the life of a degenerate and then be fine by 10 o'clock at night. 0.97

00:15:14.000 And let's be honest about, I mean, how much sobriety is required in our jobs. 0.99

00:15:20.000 You know, you can go on half fucked up and have a great set. 0.68

00:15:23.000 I can go on drunk and not even remember to set and just go on rote. 0.90

00:15:29.000 I mean, I hate to do that, but I've done so much stand-up that, I mean, you know, I literally could do it from a hammock.

00:15:39.000 I remember watching people when I was younger phone it in.

00:15:43.000 And we've all seen guys phone it in where they're not really engaging in what they're saying.

00:15:48.000 They're not really thinking about it.

00:15:49.000 I don't like to do that.

00:15:50.000 But it's weird.

00:15:51.000 It's weird when you see it.

00:15:53.000 It's weird when you see it.

00:15:54.000 And it's weird when it happens to you too.

00:15:56.000 Sometimes it doesn't always happen to you.

00:15:59.000 Especially starting out and developing, along the way, you kind of realize, well, that set went great, what did I do different?

00:16:07.000 And this set didn't go as good, what did I do wrong?

00:16:09.000 But I remember Ray Romano got off set.

00:16:12.000 I worked with him at Jimmy's Comedy Alley.

00:16:14.000 I remember Jimmy's.

00:16:15.000 I love that place.

00:16:16.000 Yeah, I middled for Ray Romano back in the day.

00:16:19.000 It was awesome.

00:16:20.000 He was a great guy, too.

00:16:21.000 He's a great guy.

00:16:22.000 He's such a sweetheart.

00:16:23.000 He hates to follow anybody strong.

00:16:25.000 Well, he was great about it, though.

00:16:26.000 He was so funny, man. 0.98

00:16:28.000 He was so goddamn good. 0.96

00:16:29.000 But anyway, he got off stage. 0.98

00:16:31.000 I mean, he just crushed for 45 minutes.

00:16:34.000 Absolutely destroyed.

00:16:35.000 And then he got off stage.

00:16:36.000 Yeah, well, that was about the most autopilot I've ever been.

00:16:39.000 Really?

00:16:40.000 Just walked right through that one. 0.99

00:16:43.000 He just, he goes, I totally found it in, they fucking bought it, hook, line, and sinker. 0.98

00:16:47.000 It was hilarious. 0.88

00:16:48.000 I just did a benefit with him for Peter Boyle's, you know, his wife started a cancer fund and research thing, and Ray, you know, comes up to me, it's so funny, our lives, he goes, can I ask you a question?

00:16:59.000 It may sound a little awkward.

00:17:00.000 I go, why? 0.99

00:17:01.000 He goes, did you talk about your balls at all? 0.99

00:17:03.000 I go, no, why? 0.99

00:17:04.000 He goes, oh, I got a ball bed I wanted to do, but I didn't want to talk about balls again if you didn't.

00:17:08.000 Thanks for checking in with me, Ray.

00:17:10.000 I appreciate it.

00:17:12.000 Yeah, do you ever have that with guys?

00:17:15.000 Like, they say, oh, sorry, I didn't know that you talked about that.

00:17:18.000 Yeah, of course. 1.00

00:17:19.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:17:20.000 Do you give a fuck? 1.00

00:17:22.000 No, I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:17:23.000 I tell you what, I did a bit that Johnny Sanchez did, and I knew that I had to have heard it subconsciously, because I swear to God, and Johnny knows me, He knows I wouldn't take it, but it was too specific. 0.99

00:17:35.000 It was about Mesopotamia and Persia and Babylonia.

00:17:40.000 Like, it had too many rings to it that I thought, John, he goes, no, do it.

00:17:44.000 I go, John, I'm not going to do it.

00:17:45.000 Because I know I had to, like, I could have been sitting upstairs at the Laugh Factory, not even paying attention, heard it in my mind.

00:17:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:52.000 That's the danger of some of these things, because sometimes it's not malicious.

00:17:55.000 Right.

00:17:56.000 Well, and sometimes it's that weird thing where you're working with a guy and they have a bit that's on the same subject as your bit, but it's a different bit.

00:18:04.000 Like, all of a sudden your friend has a time machine bit.

00:18:07.000 Right, all out of nowhere, yeah, yeah.

00:18:08.000 Yeah, you're like, okay, yeah, well that's not my bit.

00:18:11.000 Yeah, yours is definitely a different bit, but you're going to do a time machine bit right before I do a time machine bit?

00:18:16.000 That's...

00:18:16.000 Yeah, I've seen that on the road where you have the middle act.

00:18:19.000 The middle act the next night all of a sudden has the same subject matter.

00:18:22.000 Yeah, it's called stepping on your material. 1.00

00:18:25.000 And guys who open for you when they're doing that shit, it's so gross. 0.99

00:18:29.000 It's so transparent. 0.99

00:18:31.000 And I hate to tell people what to do as far as subject matter.

00:18:35.000 But you can't.

00:18:37.000 You know when someone's got actual bits.

00:18:40.000 And you know when someone is just trying to step on the subject matter.

00:18:43.000 It's a weird thing that people do where they get competitive with the other acts that they're working with.

00:18:47.000 And it just ruins the whole vibe.

00:18:49.000 Like if you go on the road with people and everybody's having a good time and everybody wants everybody else to do well, that's like a great feeling.

00:18:54.000 Yeah, it is a great feeling.

00:18:55.000 When you're working with a guy and he wants you to eat it and so he's trying to like Bury you. 0.99

00:19:00.000 He's trying to do shit to bury you. 0.99

00:19:01.000 That's a weird feeling. 0.99

00:19:03.000 I can't even imagine that way because I've always been with you. 0.99

00:19:06.000 I had one guy that did that to me in New Jersey and he just kept trying to fuck me. 0.99

00:19:12.000 You could tell. 0.99

00:19:13.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:14.000 Yeah, that's the area for it.

00:19:15.000 Mine was in Philly.

00:19:16.000 My worst case example is in Philly.

00:19:18.000 I had this whole bit.

00:19:20.000 About Madonna.

00:19:21.000 And this dude did the bit in front of me and used Janet Jackson.

00:19:26.000 Oh, really?

00:19:26.000 Like, did the exact same bit.

00:19:28.000 I mean, it was the same.

00:19:30.000 I think I remembered a Madonna bit. 0.97

00:19:31.000 Did you call her a whore in it? 1.00

00:19:33.000 No, I told her. 0.99

00:19:34.000 Beautiful human being.

00:19:35.000 Oh, okay. 0.99

00:19:35.000 Never called her whore. 0.99

00:19:36.000 Wrong bit. 0.99

00:19:36.000 No, it was just about watching a video. 0.99

00:19:40.000 It was a stupid joke. 1.00

00:19:41.000 I don't even remember the exact wording of it. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Watching a video... 0.96

00:19:44.000 A Madonna video while my girlfriend was in the room and having to field dumb questions. 0.95

00:19:48.000 Like, if you had to choose, she'd marry me, who would you pick? 0.71

00:19:52.000 I want you to be honest. 1.00

00:19:53.000 And the joke was like, I would fuck her in front of you, over your mother's house, on the kitchen table, with her ass in your cornflakes. 1.00

00:20:02.000 So it was a stupid joke. 1.00

00:20:04.000 But this dude had the exact same joke the next day with Janet Jackson. 1.00

00:20:08.000 I'm like, well, that's crazy.

00:20:09.000 Like, he just stole that joke.

00:20:11.000 I didn't know, you know, back in the day, I didn't really know exactly how you dealt with that.

00:20:15.000 I had enough material that it didn't matter.

00:20:17.000 I didn't have to do it.

00:20:18.000 I was like already phasing that bit out.

00:20:20.000 But I thought it was crazy that this guy had like two or three bits all of a sudden that were on the same subjects.

00:20:25.000 And one of them was like basically the same exact joke and just reworded it.

00:20:30.000 Did you ever throw something away and somebody picks it up and runs with it?

00:20:33.000 I had like a thing where I was talking about, I'm not a racist unless I'm in traffic, then I become a racist, you know? 0.99

00:20:40.000 It's gotta be a fucking chink in front of me. 1.00

00:20:41.000 I'm telling you, I know it. 0.99

00:20:43.000 It's gotta be a chink broad, right? 1.00

00:20:45.000 And I drive with the city.

00:20:46.000 See, it is.

00:20:49.000 Why would you ever throw that away?

00:20:51.000 Well, I don't know. 0.98

00:20:52.000 It's fucking funny, man. 0.97

00:20:54.000 There's an act at the lab factory now. 0.99

00:20:56.000 His whole first five minutes is about that.

00:20:58.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:59.000 Being racist in traffic.

00:21:01.000 Wow.

00:21:01.000 And he heard you talk about this?

00:21:02.000 Yeah, he had to hear it. 1.00

00:21:04.000 That's really pathetic. 1.00

00:21:05.000 That's really pathetic. 1.00

00:21:06.000 I've seen guys do that. 0.99

00:21:08.000 I've seen guys take a bit that someone else said in conversation and all of a sudden they do it.

00:21:12.000 What they don't understand is that a lot of times when you say something in conversation, you might have already said it on stage.

00:21:18.000 Or if you have a point of view on something, it might be something you've already been working on for a long time.

00:21:24.000 And if you lay out the premise like that to a guy, that's just as bad as stealing material.

00:21:30.000 Right.

00:21:30.000 But you know, some things you can't steal.

00:21:32.000 Like when you were doing the two bits about your daughter, it's so vivid.

00:21:37.000 You can see that.

00:21:38.000 I'm not going to tell you that's what makes it so funny.

00:21:41.000 But it's perfectly executed in the sense that you see her.

00:21:46.000 You see you and her.

00:21:48.000 Not just the banana thing, but the second thing. 0.85

00:21:51.000 It's fucking hilarious because it brings you in. 0.94

00:21:54.000 That's what people hopefully can't steal. 0.97

00:21:57.000 It's your essence and your own life.

00:22:00.000 If somebody starts talking about my cousin Johnny, I know they stole from me. 1.00

00:22:03.000 I know they can fuck around and dance around shit. 1.00

00:22:06.000 But there's a weird thing with being influenced by people versus stealing from people. 1.00

00:22:12.000 We're all influenced.

00:22:14.000 We didn't get here on our own.

00:22:16.000 None of us get here on our own.

00:22:17.000 I think what everybody's always concerned with, though, is the honesty of where these ideas are coming from.

00:22:24.000 If you're taking ideas from other people, The whole vibe of what you're doing is completely different.

00:22:29.000 Because the vibe of a stand-up comedian, like what I love about, say, a guy like you, when you're on stage and you're killing, is I know that this is your mind putting all of this together.

00:22:42.000 I know this is an individual's point of view and expression.

00:22:46.000 And I'll lock into it and have a great time with your thoughts.

00:22:50.000 But as soon as I think that you're just parroting someone else's words... 0.92

00:22:55.000 As soon as I think that this isn't something that you've absorbed, this isn't a part of you as a human, these aren't your actual thoughts, these aren't your actual conclusions, this is just you saying some shit, well then you lose a big chunk of that connection. 0.99

00:23:09.000 Then we have a bullshit relationship. 0.98

00:23:11.000 There's no soul to it. 0.99

00:23:13.000 I was watching a guy last week and he really was stuck in the 80s.

00:23:16.000 And really stuck without being able to budge.

00:23:21.000 Nothing had any heart to it.

00:23:24.000 You know how Rodney did it so extreme that it was funny?

00:23:28.000 You knew that it was a character, you knew it was jokes, and it was funny because his character is so brilliant.

00:23:32.000 This guy was trying to act like it was him, but it was jokey jokes.

00:23:36.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:23:37.000 It was bizarre.

00:23:38.000 Put that away.

00:23:40.000 How dare you?

00:23:41.000 What happened?

00:23:41.000 It's a video of me when I was like 20 years old.

00:23:43.000 Dude, this is so crazy.

00:23:44.000 Somebody's just like, I just remembered Dom Herrera from Full Frontal Comedy.

00:23:48.000 So I'm like, I wonder if I can find that clip.

00:23:49.000 Is that Joe on Full Frontal?

00:23:50.000 And I just pulled it up and it's Joe on Full Frontal.

00:23:52.000 Me and Dom.

00:23:53.000 Like random.

00:23:54.000 Yeah, I did it with Dom.

00:23:56.000 I've never seen this before.

00:23:57.000 Oh, it's terrible.

00:23:58.000 Don't you dare play it.

00:23:58.000 He still leans forward when he screams.

00:24:00.000 Yeah.

00:24:01.000 I'm very flexible at the waist.

00:24:03.000 Oh, wow.

00:24:04.000 This is crazy.

00:24:05.000 I'd love to know what bit that is.

00:24:07.000 Do you know, Joe?

00:24:07.000 I don't know.

00:24:08.000 It's probably terrible, though.

00:24:09.000 Whatever it is. 1.00

00:24:09.000 It's something involving the penis. 1.00

00:24:12.000 Don't turn it, Brian. 1.00

00:24:13.000 Stop it.

00:24:14.000 Stop it.

00:24:14.000 I do not.

00:24:15.000 Last thing I want to hear is my old standard.

00:24:17.000 No, no.

00:24:17.000 Let's hear a minute.

00:24:18.000 Let's hear a minute. 0.98

00:24:20.000 Let's get the fuck out of here with that. 0.99

00:24:21.000 Let's hear a minute. 0.98

00:24:22.000 Minute.

00:24:22.000 One minute.

00:24:23.000 Go to Google.

00:24:24.000 Go YouTube it yourself.

00:24:26.000 I don't want to listen to myself, man.

00:24:28.000 The last thing I want to do.

00:24:29.000 Even my special, like, I didn't listen to it until last week.

00:24:32.000 I'd like a day to edit it.

00:24:36.000 And I watched it for the first time the night before.

00:24:39.000 Oh, this one?

00:24:39.000 It's just coming out?

00:24:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:40.000 I don't like watching myself.

00:24:42.000 I don't either.

00:24:43.000 I do it for the purposes of working on material.

00:24:47.000 Like, I'll listen to recordings.

00:24:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:49.000 And I do learn shit when I watch myself. 0.98

00:24:51.000 Like, what I think is more effective. 0.99

00:24:53.000 Like, what pauses are more effective or moves are more effective.

00:24:57.000 And you can incorporate what you figure out from watching yourself.

00:25:00.000 But it's like...

00:25:01.000 It takes away from a lot of the fun of the improvisation of it all.

00:25:05.000 I don't want to watch myself.

00:25:08.000 Do you mind if we watch it?

00:25:11.000 No.

00:25:11.000 Do you mind stepping out for a minute?

00:25:12.000 I cannot wait to watch it.

00:25:15.000 I'd never seen that before.

00:25:17.000 I brought you up in Montreal.

00:25:19.000 Yeah, Dom and I became friends because we did What was it called?

00:25:24.000 It might have been called The Danger Zone.

00:25:26.000 The Danger Zone?

00:25:27.000 Comedy from the Danger Zone or something like that?

00:25:28.000 Yeah, it was in Montreal at Club Soda.

00:25:33.000 And that was the first time I met you, I think.

00:25:35.000 Yeah, that was my first real TV credit, I think.

00:25:38.000 I think I did MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour before that.

00:25:43.000 But I didn't really care about that one because I couldn't swear.

00:25:45.000 I just wanted to do a real one.

00:25:47.000 That was my first real set.

00:25:49.000 And then Dom and I met again at Amsterdam Billiards, and that's when we fell in love.

00:25:54.000 Yep.

00:25:55.000 And we found out that we play pool.

00:25:57.000 Dom and I play pool.

00:25:58.000 We're regulars at a certain establishment that will remain unnamed.

00:26:03.000 Look at that guy.

00:26:04.000 Look at that young chap from 1996. Sexy bastard. 1.00

00:26:07.000 Wow. 1.00

00:26:08.000 Looks like I got a wig on. 1.00

00:26:09.000 Look at the fucking moves he's got. 1.00

00:26:11.000 Look, no stomach. 1.00

00:26:12.000 If I was 6'3, it'd be 64 inches long.

00:26:15.000 What?

00:26:15.000 I don't even remember that.

00:26:16.000 What a cock, big boy. 0.99

00:26:17.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

00:26:21.000 I read about this guy, he got hit by two trains in one day.

00:26:24.000 Alright, that's enough.

00:26:25.000 Now what, we're gonna watch me, we're not gonna watch you.

00:26:27.000 Listen, listen, we don't have to do that to you.

00:26:31.000 Isn't it weird, like, seeing a recorded version of yourself from a long time ago?

00:26:35.000 Yeah, especially when I was, like, 50 pounds lighter with a big head of hair.

00:26:39.000 Don Barrera, listen, what we need to do is get you a podcast, first of all.

00:26:43.000 I got a podcast.

00:26:44.000 Yeah.

00:26:45.000 You've been on it.

00:26:46.000 I know, I know, I know, I know.

00:26:48.000 Listen, let me finish.

00:26:49.000 You have a podcast.

00:26:50.000 What I'm saying is we need to get you a podcast that just deals with you not drinking.

00:26:57.000 Alright, a podcast where you just, you get all, any, any, like, momentum you have, any motivation that you have to drink, any, like, Release a podcast about it.

00:27:12.000 Release a podcast about why you want to go have a drink or why you don't want to have a drink.

00:27:16.000 And I think people would be absolutely fascinated by the struggle of it all.

00:27:20.000 Because you're very open about it.

00:27:22.000 You're very honest about it.

00:27:23.000 Every time you've come on the podcast, when you haven't drank and you were telling me how great you feel. 0.92

00:27:28.000 And then now you're like, yeah, it's too fucking fun. 1.00

00:27:30.000 Shit. 1.00

00:27:30.000 I'll be your co-host and I'll try not to joke. 1.00

00:27:32.000 Well, I told, you know, like in Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, no matter what I say, do not open that door.

00:27:39.000 And he walks in to talk to the monster.

00:27:41.000 Remember that?

00:27:41.000 Yeah.

00:27:42.000 Well, I said to Noel last night at the Laugh Factor, do not give me a drink, another drink, under any circumstances.

00:27:48.000 I come back ten minutes later, I'll take another drink.

00:27:50.000 He goes, I don't know what to do.

00:27:52.000 He told me not to give it to you.

00:27:53.000 I said, forget about what I said.

00:27:55.000 You gotta listen to me, I'm a drunk.

00:27:57.000 You can't, I mean, you can't keep like seesawing like that.

00:28:02.000 And I think maybe doing a podcast would be a good...

00:28:05.000 Catharsis?

00:28:07.000 Well, a good, sort of a method.

00:28:10.000 To try to stay sober, if you really want to.

00:28:12.000 I mean, if you don't want to, look, I mean, I would never try to go to Stanhope and tell him to sober up.

00:28:18.000 He doesn't want to do it.

00:28:18.000 I can't imagine him sober.

00:28:20.000 He doesn't want to do it.

00:28:21.000 And if he wanted to do it, he could do it.

00:28:23.000 He could do it anytime he wanted to.

00:28:25.000 He could do it tomorrow if he wanted to.

00:28:26.000 He could.

00:28:27.000 Mitch Hedberg was the one I tried to reach out to.

00:28:30.000 Really?

00:28:30.000 Yeah, because he was killing us, obviously.

00:28:33.000 But I didn't know he was doing heroin.

00:28:36.000 Well, I think statistically heroin is safer than alcohol.

00:28:40.000 Really?

00:28:41.000 Yeah.

00:28:42.000 That's it. 1.00

00:28:42.000 I think alcohol is some really dangerous shit. 1.00

00:28:47.000 We just don't think it's dangerous because it's everywhere. 1.00

00:28:49.000 But it crushes your immune system.

00:28:52.000 But it also makes you feel great too.

00:28:53.000 Got a couple of whiskeys in you.

00:28:55.000 Sweet Home Alabama comes on you. 1.00

00:28:57.000 I think that's the secret.

00:28:58.000 It's going back to beer for me.

00:28:59.000 I think I need to just go...

00:29:01.000 I used to only drink beer and then I just got on this Jack Daniels kick out of nowhere.

00:29:05.000 And I'm just like, why am I drinking so much Jack?

00:29:06.000 I could throw almost 75% a bottle now.

00:29:09.000 I know.

00:29:09.000 I think I'm like a gunfighter in the Old West.

00:29:11.000 I drink like whiskey now.

00:29:13.000 Me too.

00:29:14.000 What the hell is that about?

00:29:15.000 I like it.

00:29:16.000 I like it.

00:29:17.000 It makes me feel like I'm alive.

00:29:18.000 I love that feeling down your throat.

00:29:21.000 Yeah, I had a shot last weekend before I went on stage in Seattle.

00:29:24.000 I did that Parlor Live.

00:29:26.000 You ever do that place up there?

00:29:27.000 What a great club.

00:29:29.000 That area of Seattle, Washington, it's called Bellevue.

00:29:33.000 It's a suburb. 0.98

00:29:34.000 It's fucking beautiful out there. 0.98

00:29:36.000 It's so nice. 0.99

00:29:37.000 Yeah, it's beautiful.

00:29:37.000 The Northwest is incredible.

00:29:39.000 And it's so, like, it's all, like, it's very, like, high-end stores, a nice area.

00:29:43.000 I guess that's where, like, Microsoft is or something.

00:29:47.000 Shitload of that paper up there.

00:29:48.000 Yeah, yeah, Mercer Island. 0.97

00:29:50.000 Making that big paper.

00:29:51.000 What's Mercer Island?

00:29:52.000 That's an island up there?

00:29:53.000 That's where my girlfriend from college lives, yeah.

00:29:55.000 Really?

00:29:56.000 She lives on an island? 0.56

00:29:57.000 I still go out there and give it one for you.

00:29:59.000 What are these?

00:29:59.000 One for the team, Joey.

00:30:00.000 One of these right there.

00:30:01.000 The girlfriend from college, you still slam it to her?

00:30:03.000 Nah, nah.

00:30:04.000 Can you imagine?

00:30:04.000 She looks much older than me now.

00:30:08.000 You know what's sad?

00:30:09.000 We get so programmed. 0.99

00:30:11.000 No matter what I look like, I can't get a fucking heart on her unless the chick's young and hot. 1.00

00:30:17.000 I'm done. 1.00

00:30:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:20.000 Right. 0.99

00:30:21.000 I'm fucking done. 0.99

00:30:22.000 People will call you shallow for that. 1.00

00:30:23.000 I have to go to another country.

00:30:25.000 I am shallow.

00:30:27.000 I'm shallow.

00:30:28.000 I don't care what a girl's accomplished. 1.00

00:30:31.000 I care about her looks.

00:30:32.000 Right.

00:30:33.000 I don't care what...

00:30:34.000 Oh, you got what?

00:30:35.000 A PhD in philosophy?

00:30:36.000 Talk to me, baby.

00:30:37.000 I'm hard as a rock. 0.91

00:30:39.000 Not sexually, right?

00:30:40.000 Not sexually.

00:30:41.000 I mean, I could be interested in a person.

00:30:43.000 Yeah, there's that quote. 1.00

00:30:45.000 Fuck, who said that quote, goddammit? 1.00

00:30:47.000 I forget who it was. 1.00

00:30:49.000 But he said, all I need from a woman is to be attracted to her, everything else I get from a man.

00:30:55.000 I think it was George Harrison.

00:30:57.000 Really?

00:30:57.000 Yeah, I think it was George Harrison said that.

00:30:59.000 I think.

00:31:01.000 I've always attributed to George Harrison, but I did Google it and I couldn't find it.

00:31:04.000 But I remember reading it somewhere.

00:31:06.000 Really, really pretty positive.

00:31:10.000 Greg Fitzsimmons has a whole bit about it.

00:31:12.000 He has a whole bit about, like, if you really wanted to hang out with somebody. 0.90

00:31:17.000 If he was on a deserted island, he wouldn't want it to be a woman because he gets fucking bored of talking to her. 1.00

00:31:23.000 He's not compatible. 0.98

00:31:25.000 If you want to be attracted to a woman, unfortunately for the male reproductive system, our bodies get triggered by young, fertile women. 0.99

00:31:35.000 Isn't it amazing how interesting they become? 1.00

00:31:37.000 I can't believe you're so stupid and I find you riveting. 1.00

00:31:41.000 You never said an original thing in your life. 1.00

00:31:44.000 Look at you.

00:31:44.000 It's just so crazy that our bodies are programmed to that, where rationally, your consciousness, the idea is if we're going to evolve, your consciousness should be able to look at that and go, I have nothing in common with this 23-year-old girl.

00:31:56.000 What I need to be doing is dating a 50-year-old woman like myself and go out and enjoy our last years together.

00:32:02.000 Come on, Grandma. 1.00

00:32:03.000 Let's go get a beer.

00:32:05.000 But the problem is, if you were still into sex, Your body, unfortunately, wants that in-shape body.

00:32:16.000 It doesn't lie. 1.00

00:32:16.000 Your dick does not lie. 1.00

00:32:18.000 It's like you feel so shallow and heartless. 1.00

00:32:21.000 But I am shallow.

00:32:22.000 I seriously am shallow.

00:32:24.000 I pride myself on my shallowity or whatever it is.

00:32:28.000 Shallowity.

00:32:30.000 Shallotaceousness. 0.78

00:32:31.000 Lack of depth at this.

00:32:33.000 The girls that are easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart, though.

00:32:37.000 Oh, Brian, you are beautiful.

00:32:39.000 You are a flower.

00:32:40.000 Easy there, Shakespeare.

00:32:42.000 The girls that are easy on the eyes are easy on the heart. 1.00

00:32:46.000 I say unto thee.

00:32:47.000 Brian, you're a beautiful flower. 1.00

00:32:50.000 The balls that fucking lecture us, you little prick, you sitting there with your fucking toilet seat. 1.00

00:32:56.000 Beauty on the eyes, Brian. 1.00

00:32:58.000 I love it.

00:32:59.000 Have you been in love?

00:33:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:02.000 Twice today.

00:33:03.000 No, I mean real love, where you can't eat and sleep.

00:33:06.000 Yeah, I fall deep in love really fast, actually.

00:33:10.000 That's sad.

00:33:12.000 Yeah.

00:33:14.000 You don't?

00:33:15.000 No, I don't.

00:33:16.000 I mean, I have been kind of married four times in my life, but only legally married once.

00:33:22.000 Dom's been in some situations before.

00:33:24.000 He's had some struggles.

00:33:26.000 So horrible.

00:33:28.000 I can't even...

00:33:30.000 The whole thing with the house and all that other nonsense.

00:33:33.000 How many of them had green cards attached to it?

00:33:36.000 How many had green cards attached to it?

00:33:38.000 They were all citizens, I was proud to say.

00:33:42.000 Not of the United States, but...

00:33:44.000 Do you feel bad for a chick that has to date a comedian?

00:33:47.000 For the most part?

00:33:48.000 Why would you want to date... 1.00

00:33:50.000 Crazy fucking comedian. 1.00

00:33:52.000 Well, because comedians are like some of the brightest people I've ever met. 1.00

00:33:56.000 So I think that's the difference.

00:33:58.000 We're just going back to it.

00:33:59.000 They find that attractive.

00:34:01.000 You can get women because they're just shallow in a different way. 1.00

00:34:06.000 They couldn't be with a guy who's just a good guy.

00:34:10.000 They have to laugh.

00:34:12.000 Especially these models. 0.97

00:34:13.000 I remember working at the River Cafe when I was parking cars, and the models, nobody asked them out because they were too fucking hot. 0.93

00:34:20.000 So they were alone all the time.

00:34:23.000 Nobody was attracted to them.

00:34:25.000 I guess people were afraid of them.

00:34:27.000 They just didn't want to get shot down.

00:34:28.000 They didn't think they were.

00:34:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:30.000 Have you ever been in that situation before where you just felt like a girl was too good for you and you couldn't even try?

00:34:34.000 Yeah.

00:34:34.000 I'm that thick, no.

00:34:37.000 Never?

00:34:37.000 Even when you were younger?

00:34:38.000 No, I try everything, and I've gotten girls way out of my league just being funny and honesty. 0.75

00:34:46.000 Well, you've been a comedian for so fucking long, too.

00:34:48.000 It's like you probably don't remember what it's like to just be out there in the free world. 0.97

00:34:58.000 No, but I was better looking there.

00:35:00.000 So as I got...

00:35:02.000 Less good looking, I got richer and more famous.

00:35:06.000 Right.

00:35:06.000 You know what I mean?

00:35:06.000 So it kind of balanced off.

00:35:08.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:35:09.000 Especially if you go to like a third world country, you'll press the fuck out of those chicks. 1.00

00:35:12.000 Thailand? 0.99

00:35:13.000 I'm big.

00:35:14.000 Big in Thailand.

00:35:16.000 Big with the kids.

00:35:18.000 I enjoy it though.

00:35:20.000 I mean, you know, we talked about this a long time ago and I, you know, About how hard it is as a comedian, especially when you go on the road.

00:35:29.000 Because I try not to do anything with the waitstances.

00:35:33.000 Seriously, if I'm going to be with somebody, I'd rather be like some nut that works at the supermarket.

00:35:42.000 Selling her uniform on when she comes to the show.

00:35:45.000 But for them, it's a thrill to get a guy like Dom Herrera. 1.00

00:35:51.000 It's like, oh, this crazy asshole's coming into town. 1.00

00:35:53.000 You get to toss their world upside down for a couple of days. 1.00

00:35:58.000 Give her a kiss on the cheek.

00:35:59.000 And you don't name drop.

00:36:01.000 You don't brag and name drop.

00:36:02.000 They love that.

00:36:03.000 They love when you don't.

00:36:04.000 How come you didn't tell me that?

00:36:05.000 Well, it didn't come up.

00:36:07.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:07.000 It's an interesting kind of trick because you're really withholding the bragging to make you look humble.

00:36:15.000 Humble brags.

00:36:16.000 Seriously.

00:36:17.000 Have you ever seen humble brags on Twitter?

00:36:19.000 They're really funny.

00:36:20.000 I'm in the new humble brag book.

00:36:22.000 You're in the book?

00:36:23.000 Yeah.

00:36:23.000 I said something.

00:36:24.000 Are you serious?

00:36:25.000 Yeah.

00:36:25.000 They just published this book and somebody's like, dude, you're in this book.

00:36:28.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:29.000 I'll show you.

00:36:30.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:32.000 What is that, though?

00:36:33.000 Is that a website?

00:36:34.000 No, it's like a Twitter tag, humblebrag, when someone says something like, wow, I can't believe I got nominated for this today.

00:36:40.000 I totally didn't expect this. 1.00

00:36:43.000 Meanwhile, yeah, you're just letting everybody know you got nominated with your fake, self-deprecating bullshit. 1.00

00:36:51.000 Here it is. 1.00

00:36:52.000 Right here.

00:36:52.000 It says, so Thursday I met...

00:36:56.000 John Mayer, Friday I'm at 50 Cent, at this rate tonight I'm smoking weed with Jim Morrison and Terry Schiavo.

00:37:03.000 How's that a humble, bro?

00:37:04.000 That's not a humble, bro.

00:37:04.000 That's a joke.

00:37:06.000 They're cunts. 0.99

00:37:08.000 I truly don't get what this means. 1.00

00:37:12.000 It has the cadence, what does it say?

00:37:16.000 It has the cadence.

00:37:17.000 It's cut off, whoever took this picture, but it really doesn't stack up. 0.99

00:37:20.000 Well, whoever wrote that is dumb. 1.00

00:37:22.000 You're a dumb person. 1.00

00:37:22.000 You don't understand what he's saying? 1.00

00:37:24.000 He's a regular guy who met some famous people you fuck. 0.99

00:37:26.000 I truly don't get what this means. 1.00

00:37:30.000 It means you're a cunt. 1.00

00:37:32.000 Yeah, I met John Mayer doing comedy, which was weird. 1.00

00:37:34.000 Yeah, he was doing comedy at the store for a while.

00:37:36.000 John Mayer?

00:37:36.000 Yeah.

00:37:37.000 You asked me about Coney McShitballs?

00:37:39.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:37:40.000 Yeah, what is this?

00:37:41.000 Louis C.K.'s character?

00:37:43.000 Louis C.K. We used to do a thing in Montreal.

00:37:44.000 It was so fucking funny. 0.93

00:37:46.000 Where, and Louis used to love... 0.99

00:37:48.000 Oh shit, that's... 0.99

00:37:50.000 Is that your phone? 1.00

00:37:51.000 Your phone is the Beatles?

00:37:52.000 What do you got, a band?

00:37:53.000 That's a good song. 0.99

00:37:54.000 I was like, damn. 0.99

00:37:55.000 Dom Herrera. 0.99

00:37:56.000 Sorry.

00:37:57.000 He's got one of them old flip phones too, don't you?

00:37:58.000 No, I got an iPhone.

00:38:00.000 I got the first iPhone.

00:38:02.000 Dower has no navigation up in that car.

00:38:05.000 He has no idea where he's going.

00:38:06.000 I had to text him directions. 1.00

00:38:08.000 God help the people that were behind him as he was reading that shit. 0.99

00:38:11.000 People are Twittering. 0.99

00:38:13.000 Tweeting, rather.

00:38:13.000 Oh, you have it set up so that when people tweet to you, it goes to your phone?

00:38:17.000 I don't know.

00:38:17.000 That's not good.

00:38:17.000 My goddaughter did it.

00:38:19.000 Oh, that's worse.

00:38:19.000 You want to change that right now?

00:38:21.000 Because these fucking animals just found that shit out. 1.00

00:38:23.000 That shit's going to kill your battery. 1.00

00:38:25.000 You better shut your phone off, son. 1.00

00:38:26.000 I am.

00:38:27.000 Or change your settings. 1.00

00:38:29.000 Yeah, shut that shit off, because it's going to explode when it comes back on. 1.00

00:38:32.000 They just found out they could get you. 1.00

00:38:34.000 People just found out they could reach you with just a tweet.

00:38:37.000 Do you understand that?

00:38:38.000 That's insane.

00:38:38.000 You can't let them do that.

00:38:40.000 You know, when I first...

00:38:42.000 Your phone will explode.

00:38:45.000 Can I tell you about Israel?

00:38:46.000 No, you just got back, right?

00:38:47.000 No, I didn't go.

00:38:48.000 But I didn't go.

00:38:49.000 Everybody in my family...

00:38:51.000 You know, when it peaked, right?

00:38:53.000 Remember when it peaked, like, the danger?

00:38:55.000 And they said they didn't know if there was going to be a war, and they started...

00:38:58.000 Bombs hit Tel Aviv and Jerusalem for the first time in 40 years.

00:39:02.000 Remember that?

00:39:02.000 Yes.

00:39:03.000 Okay, so I had to make a decision, and Jeremy Hotz was coming with me, a terrific comedian in Canada, and I said, look, I'm going to pull out because my whole family doesn't want me to go.

00:39:15.000 All my friends don't want me to go.

00:39:17.000 And the guy says, but give me three days.

00:39:19.000 I said, what is this?

00:39:20.000 Fiddler on the roof?

00:39:21.000 Three days?

00:39:21.000 Like, what are you going to talk to the Palestinians?

00:39:23.000 You know, the promoter.

00:39:25.000 So he says, give me three days.

00:39:26.000 And I said, look.

00:39:27.000 He goes, don't watch the news.

00:39:28.000 It'll poison you.

00:39:29.000 I said, that's like saying a hurricane's coming.

00:39:31.000 Don't watch the weather channel.

00:39:32.000 It's depressing.

00:39:33.000 Right, right.

00:39:34.000 Anyway, so I canceled.

00:39:36.000 And given him enough time, there was an article in the Jerusalem Post about how, like, we didn't care about victims of terrorism.

00:39:45.000 It's just the opposite.

00:39:47.000 I only took the gig because it was helping people.

00:39:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:39:50.000 An article about you that you don't care about?

00:39:53.000 It outed me and Jeremy.

00:39:56.000 And the guy who promoted it, I'm not going to name him, but he posted it four times.

00:40:01.000 And then he said he didn't realize what it was.

00:40:03.000 How about you write it down on a piece of paper and slide it over here and I'll name him?

00:40:06.000 No, I don't want to do that.

00:40:08.000 He's not worth it.

00:40:09.000 Well, okay, let's not name him then. 1.00

00:40:11.000 But any asshole that gets mad at you because you don't want to go to a war. 0.99

00:40:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:16.000 My brother is a colonel in the Marines, my brother Joe. 1.00

00:40:20.000 He's almost a general.

00:40:21.000 He's done that house-to-house combat. 1.00

00:40:24.000 Crazy shit. 1.00

00:40:24.000 I told you. 1.00

00:40:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:25.000 He told me.

00:40:26.000 He goes, hold on a second.

00:40:27.000 He looked something up on the computer, hot spots in the world.

00:40:30.000 He goes, I'd take a rain check on this one.

00:40:32.000 He told me not to go.

00:40:33.000 He told you not to go.

00:40:34.000 And he said it because my other brother said, all right, your caring brother says one thing. 0.97

00:40:38.000 Let's call the crazy brother. 0.96

00:40:40.000 And the crazy one said don't go. 0.91

00:40:41.000 Yeah, you know what the issue is Dom?

00:40:43.000 It's like, so far everything has been, the casualties have been kept at least mildly in check. 0.98

00:40:52.000 But it doesn't mean that someone can't do something fucking crazy. 0.93

00:40:55.000 And it might not happen. 0.99

00:40:56.000 And it might be, you know, a few people die here.

00:40:59.000 A few people respond and die here.

00:41:01.000 It might be the way it's coming on.

00:41:02.000 Or it might be an event.

00:41:04.000 Right.

00:41:04.000 I'm totally sympathetic to these people, too.

00:41:06.000 It's not like I do care.

00:41:08.000 It's terrible.

00:41:09.000 The situation's horrific.

00:41:11.000 Joe, you know what I was afraid of?

00:41:12.000 Not getting bombed.

00:41:13.000 That's so random.

00:41:14.000 I was afraid of the airport getting bombed.

00:41:16.000 Getting stuck.

00:41:16.000 Yeah, getting stuck there.

00:41:18.000 You have to think about that.

00:41:19.000 Because it's not like I can go to Damascus and catch a flight.

00:41:21.000 Right.

00:41:22.000 It's not like, you know, if you're in Europe and an airline goes on, Air France goes on strike, you just drive to Spain.

00:41:29.000 But it ain't like that in the Middle East.

00:41:31.000 It's not like that at all.

00:41:32.000 And that is one of the tactics that people use.

00:41:34.000 If they're attacking a city, they'll attack the airport.

00:41:37.000 So they can't get in good.

00:41:38.000 Yeah, you hit the runways.

00:41:40.000 Yeah.

00:41:40.000 That's what they do.

00:41:41.000 Look, it's a very, very volatile situation.

00:41:45.000 And you could have gone over there and you could have been fine.

00:41:47.000 Or you could have gone over there and you could have died.

00:41:49.000 It's like that's reality in those parts of the world. 1.00

00:41:52.000 It's like We have this sort of ridiculous notion that because we're safe over here, because we don't really have to think about that shit too much. 0.99

00:42:02.000 Well, the world is smaller now. 0.99

00:42:04.000 There was a time when it did mean a lot.

00:42:05.000 Like, you know, the fact that we were isolated over here, away from Europe and Asia, you know, as far as fighting.

00:42:11.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:12.000 There was a time when, now, everything's so instantaneous, they could get inside.

00:42:18.000 Terrorists could do something here if they wanted to.

00:42:19.000 Someone's been watching Homeland.

00:42:21.000 Yeah.

00:42:21.000 I haven't seen Homeland.

00:42:22.000 It's a good fucking show. 0.98

00:42:23.000 I was with one of the leads last week, not to be a name dropper because I don't even remember his name, but Russell Peters, we went out to dinner to be a name dropper. 0.99

00:42:31.000 Russell Peters knows everyone famous. 0.94

00:42:33.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:42:33.000 You see how smooth he is? 0.98

00:42:35.000 Hey, I'm having a party.

00:42:37.000 Here's my number, Mix Master Mike.

00:42:38.000 Come over.

00:42:39.000 He's the only one that brought a posse to my podcast.

00:42:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:42:42.000 I said, Russell, you're bringing a fucking posse to the podcast? 0.99

00:42:45.000 He brings posses everywhere. 0.99

00:42:46.000 He brought a posse to the ice house, too.

00:42:47.000 Can I plug that podcast?

00:42:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:50.000 It's Dom Rara Live from the Lab Factory.

00:42:51.000 Let's talk about doing another podcast.

00:42:53.000 Let's talk about doing the Sobriety Chronicles.

00:42:56.000 I'm telling you, it would be hilarious.

00:42:57.000 And it would be a method to keep you from drinking.

00:43:00.000 I know you don't want to drink.

00:43:01.000 Because I know how you felt when you weren't drinking.

00:43:03.000 When we were talking, when we were playing pool, you were like, I feel better. 0.99

00:43:06.000 It's nice to not feel like shit. 0.98

00:43:08.000 I even felt quicker in ping pong. 0.98

00:43:10.000 I'm sure you did.

00:43:11.000 That's how much better I felt.

00:43:12.000 Dom, you don't have to drink to have a good time at these clubs.

00:43:16.000 I'm not saying that you should try pot, because you don't need to even change your state of consciousness if you don't want to.

00:43:23.000 Can I still do Xanax?

00:43:25.000 I don't know.

00:43:26.000 You tell me.

00:43:27.000 You want one?

00:43:27.000 No, no.

00:43:28.000 These are good.

00:43:29.000 I don't want that stuff.

00:43:30.000 I'm telling you, Joe.

00:43:32.000 I don't know, though.

00:43:33.000 Listen, I'm sure.

00:43:33.000 I don't need that.

00:43:35.000 It's hanging out at the club.

00:43:36.000 It's impossible not to drink.

00:43:37.000 I try it every day.

00:43:38.000 I'm at a comic club and you just see everyone else drinking.

00:43:41.000 Everyone's laughing and having fun.

00:43:42.000 How about when you're on the road?

00:43:44.000 I went to the Laugh Factory last night and I had some water.

00:43:47.000 You can go up and have fun, man.

00:43:49.000 You don't need to have a drink.

00:43:50.000 This is my life.

00:43:52.000 I'm in Australia.

00:43:53.000 I'm at the Sydney Opera House.

00:43:54.000 One week.

00:43:55.000 The next week I'm at Mr. Magooby's joke house.

00:43:58.000 Right.

00:43:59.000 And I'm alone.

00:44:00.000 But the girls are nice. 1.00

00:44:01.000 I'm having a drink with them.

00:44:02.000 What do I do?

00:44:03.000 Go back to my...

00:44:04.000 Well, sometimes it's fun.

00:44:06.000 Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't drink.

00:44:07.000 I love drinking.

00:44:08.000 No, but I agree with you.

00:44:09.000 But I don't do it every day. 0.89

00:44:10.000 Yeah, but you're in a lot fucking better shape than me. 0.89

00:44:12.000 You know, you can drink. 0.97

00:44:13.000 I shouldn't drink.

00:44:14.000 Well, even me.

00:44:15.000 I feel it.

00:44:16.000 I feel it when I drink.

00:44:17.000 And I feel the difference in my body.

00:44:19.000 It's just not good for you.

00:44:20.000 It's not smart.

00:44:20.000 And I don't have an issue with it.

00:44:22.000 I can take it or leave it.

00:44:23.000 I like it.

00:44:24.000 I like it with a meal.

00:44:25.000 I like some wine with a meal.

00:44:26.000 But I can take it or leave it.

00:44:28.000 What I think is important though is when you can't take something or leave it, when you have to take it, Yeah.

00:44:33.000 That's sort of a situation where you've got to really worry, well, what is this thing doing to me?

00:44:37.000 Is this thing that I can't take?

00:44:38.000 Is it helping me?

00:44:39.000 Do I feel better? 0.99

00:44:39.000 Or is it fucking with my whole life? 0.99

00:44:42.000 And for you, I think it fucks with your whole life. 1.00

00:44:44.000 I agree. 0.78

00:44:45.000 And I love you.

00:44:46.000 And I love seeing that you were sober.

00:44:49.000 And I'm not Captain Save-A-Ho. 0.99

00:44:51.000 I mean, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. 0.99

00:44:53.000 You know how I am. 0.99

00:44:54.000 I appreciate it.

00:44:54.000 I mean, I give people advice if they want it.

00:44:57.000 And you and I have had this...

00:44:59.000 I've had this conversation many, many times, and I never really told you what you should do or shouldn't do.

00:45:03.000 I sort of just let you talk and ask you questions.

00:45:07.000 But if you wanted my advice, my advice would say, you've got to stop drinking.

00:45:11.000 It's not good for you.

00:45:12.000 But I look great.

00:45:15.000 Good.

00:45:16.000 It's one of those things.

00:45:18.000 Some people can have a drink every now and again.

00:45:21.000 And some people can't do that.

00:45:22.000 All of a sudden, it creeps up and becomes your whole day.

00:45:25.000 Yeah.

00:45:25.000 Well, it doesn't become...

00:45:26.000 But it does...

00:45:27.000 It's definitely creeped back up.

00:45:28.000 But for you, you were doing, like, drinks in the morning, like...

00:45:31.000 Oh, that was a while ago.

00:45:32.000 Yeah.

00:45:33.000 But that became your whole day, right?

00:45:35.000 No.

00:45:36.000 Not my whole day.

00:45:37.000 I mean, I would do a drink in the morning on a plane.

00:45:40.000 But I wasn't sitting at home having shots before I got out of bed.

00:45:43.000 Not, you know, not like last weekend kind of thing.

00:45:46.000 Were you drinking alone?

00:45:51.000 See, I can't do that.

00:45:52.000 I can't drink alone.

00:45:53.000 Oh, I love it.

00:45:54.000 Why?

00:45:55.000 I don't know.

00:45:56.000 I think of you.

00:45:57.000 I think of you sitting on a toilet.

00:46:01.000 I mean, look, for a lot of people that like their drink, they're like, this is annoying, man.

00:46:05.000 Let the guy be himself.

00:46:06.000 Let the guy drink.

00:46:07.000 I appreciate it, man. 0.99

00:46:09.000 I know when you're reaching out a little bit, and I know when you keep mentioning this stuff, it's not because it's not fucking with you. 0.97

00:46:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:46:15.000 Well, you know, we go to that pool hall, I don't need to drink. 0.98

00:46:18.000 Right.

00:46:19.000 I'm fine. 0.98

00:46:19.000 I mean, I'm fine, you know, just racking the balls for you. 0.98

00:46:23.000 Gets me a good shame. 0.99

00:46:24.000 Well, you...

00:46:26.000 You know, you start playing better, too.

00:46:28.000 Everything works better.

00:46:30.000 So, look, drinking is fun.

00:46:32.000 I enjoy it.

00:46:33.000 I enjoy it. 0.99

00:46:34.000 But it's goddamn bad on the body. 0.98

00:46:35.000 Nobody ever says something like, boy, you look good. 0.99

00:46:38.000 What, are you drinking again?

00:46:40.000 You really got it together.

00:46:42.000 But it's not, you know, they say like a glass of wine every night.

00:46:45.000 It's not even bad for you.

00:46:46.000 As a matter of fact, it might be beneficial.

00:46:48.000 An ounce of alcohol, whether it's in a beer, wine, or it's supposed to be good for your circulation.

00:46:54.000 Yeah.

00:46:55.000 Well, you know, people used to drink wine with food because they thought it prevented food poisoning, prevented traveler's poisoning.

00:47:01.000 Oh, yeah?

00:47:01.000 Traveler's sickness, they would call it.

00:47:03.000 Because back then, when they were traveling around, those assholes were drinking wine out of animal skins and shit like that. 1.00

00:47:09.000 They made these flasks out of animal skins. 1.00

00:47:12.000 That's how they drank their wines.

00:47:13.000 Well, I rationalize, too, because I'll go, well, I only had two drinks, but they're two martinis with like eight shots each, and they're two jumbo drinks.

00:47:21.000 Yeah.

00:47:21.000 Do you imagine how hard it must have been to carry food back then?

00:47:24.000 I mean, they probably all got food sickness.

00:47:27.000 How long does meat stay good?

00:47:29.000 A couple of hours after you kill it?

00:47:30.000 Do you have a day?

00:47:32.000 What do you have when it's 80 degrees outside?

00:47:33.000 Do you have two days?

00:47:34.000 I know.

00:47:35.000 That's what cracks me up about people bitching about a plane being a half hour late and comedians.

00:47:41.000 I was actually trying to write a bit about it because the idea of taking a year To go across the country and get stuck at the Donner Pass because it's snowing.

00:47:51.000 Imagine, like, where are you going?

00:47:52.000 I've got to go to bed.

00:47:53.000 I've got a gig at San Francisco.

00:47:54.000 When?

00:47:55.000 Next June.

00:47:56.000 In a year.

00:47:57.000 Oh, really?

00:47:57.000 You better get some rest.

00:47:58.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:47:59.000 We just take it like, fuck, a half hour late. 1.00

00:48:01.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:48:02.000 Well, you want to really wrap your head around a crazy number? 1.00

00:48:04.000 Here's the craziest number.

00:48:07.000 Between the invention...

00:48:10.000 Of the airplane and the dropping of an atomic bomb from the airplane is less than 50 years.

00:48:18.000 Wow. 0.64

00:48:19.000 Talk about a life-changing rat. 1.00

00:48:22.000 Hitler fucked up. 1.00

00:48:24.000 Hitler fucked up. 1.00

00:48:25.000 He should have never alienated the Jews. 1.00

00:48:27.000 They won it for us.

00:48:29.000 Wernher von Braun.

00:48:30.000 Well, yeah, well, Oppenheimer, right?

00:48:32.000 He was the guy that created...

00:48:34.000 Wernher von Braun was the NASA guy.

00:48:36.000 Wasn't he the guy that did the atom bomb? 0.51

00:48:37.000 No, that's Oppenheimer.

00:48:40.000 Wernher von Braun was the guy who supposedly got us on the moon. 1.00

00:48:44.000 Son of a bitch. 0.99

00:48:46.000 He's the guy from Operation Paperclip. 1.00

00:48:48.000 All the best Nazi scientists from... 0.99

00:48:52.000 Were Jewish.

00:48:52.000 Were Jewish?

00:48:53.000 Weren't they at first?

00:48:54.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:48:55.000 They came over and they took care of that.

00:48:57.000 I don't know if they were or not.

00:48:58.000 But all the best Nazi scientists were sort of distributed between Russia and the United States.

00:49:05.000 After World War II. And America started with Wernher von Braun.

00:49:12.000 They got Wernher von Braun and all these different Nazi dudes under Operation Paperclip. 0.54

00:49:17.000 But they were all like legit Nazis. 0.85

00:49:18.000 That's one of the dark secrets of the American space program.

00:49:22.000 It was run by Nazis.

00:49:24.000 Wernher von Braun was a legit Nazi. 0.68

00:49:26.000 Like, if he was alive today, the Simon Wiesenthal Center said they would prosecute him for crimes against humanity.

00:49:32.000 Apparently, he had a rocket factory in Berlin.

00:49:35.000 And there was this guy who did this documentary on the moon landings.

00:49:39.000 And he interviewed people that worked in the rocket factory.

00:49:43.000 This guy had tattoos from being in the concentration camp.

00:49:46.000 And he talked about how Wernher von Braun, like, they would hang the five slowest Jews in front of the rocket factory every day. 1.00

00:49:53.000 Like, it was, like, really dark, dark, dark shit. 1.00

00:49:55.000 How could you hate that much? 1.00

00:49:57.000 It's not.

00:49:57.000 I mean, that's beyond hate.

00:49:59.000 That's like inhumanity.

00:50:00.000 It's like that regime, that Nazi regime, that ruthlessness also yielded some incredible science. 0.97

00:50:08.000 I mean, the scientific achievements, just in the rocketry and engine building and, you know, the shit that they were able to do. 0.88

00:50:16.000 And then Russia scooped some of them up and we scooped some of them up. 0.93

00:50:19.000 And that's where NASA came from.

00:50:20.000 But the atomic bomb was invented here, wasn't it?

00:50:22.000 Yeah.

00:50:23.000 Manhattan Project.

00:50:24.000 Yeah, that was Oppenheimer.

00:50:26.000 He was...

00:50:27.000 I mean, it sounds pretty Jewish.

00:50:29.000 Is Oppenheimer Jewish?

00:50:30.000 It must be, right?

00:50:31.000 Of course.

00:50:32.000 Of course?

00:50:33.000 Of course.

00:50:33.000 Oppenheimer?

00:50:34.000 Of course, let's not forget the best...

00:50:36.000 Speaking of Jews, on Christmas Eve, I'm doing a synagogue.

00:50:41.000 What?

00:50:42.000 Doing a synagogue and the Laugh Factory has a show, a Jewish show.

00:50:47.000 Oh, really?

00:50:48.000 Yeah.

00:50:48.000 I love that.

00:50:49.000 Nice.

00:50:51.000 Where do you have a gig on New Year's Eve?

00:50:53.000 Where you at?

00:50:53.000 I'm at Good Nights in North Carolina.

00:50:56.000 Oh, that's right, yeah.

00:50:57.000 Which I'm really looking forward to.

00:50:58.000 Not only the club, but my family's down there.

00:51:02.000 And I got a lot of friends in Raleigh.

00:51:04.000 I'm looking to see if he was Jewish.

00:51:08.000 It does not say. 1.00

00:51:11.000 Damn it. 0.99

00:51:12.000 We showed this on a podcast before, though, this Nazi experiment with the dog head. 0.99

00:51:15.000 Yeah, they had electrical impulses into the dog head and made it move after it was detached from the body.

00:51:21.000 Yeah, they did some...

00:51:22.000 Look, that looks real right there.

00:51:23.000 I think that dog is alive. 1.00

00:51:25.000 Dude, they did some crazy shit. 1.00

00:51:27.000 The Nazis did some crazy shit. 1.00

00:51:28.000 And they were really obsessed with the occult. 1.00

00:51:32.000 That's really weird. 0.91

00:51:33.000 I wonder how much of it is revisionist bullshit that these reality TV shows try to do, these sort of half-documentary-type shows. 0.99

00:51:44.000 I love Ancient Aliens, a fun show, but the reality is they get a lot of shit wrong. 0.96

00:51:49.000 They're not trying to be super-duper accurate about some of their stuff. 0.88

00:51:53.000 And so, like, when they say something like that, that the Nazis were really into the occult, I really wish I knew how much into the occult they were.

00:52:01.000 That was a theme of, like, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

00:52:05.000 You know, remember Raiders of the Lost Ark, when they found the Ark of the Covenant? 0.99

00:52:08.000 That was supposed to be the Nazis were after all this occult shit. 0.98

00:52:11.000 Apparently they had, like, a reputation. 0.99

00:52:13.000 I really should educate myself on that. 0.97

00:52:14.000 Find out how deep that was and what the fuck that was all about. 0.99

00:52:20.000 But this guy, Oppenheimer, one of the creepiest things... 0.98

00:52:23.000 Are you looking at that now?

00:52:24.000 Yeah.

00:52:24.000 When he blew up the nuclear bomb, he quoted the Bhagavad Gita.

00:52:32.000 This is ancient Hindu religious text.

00:52:34.000 He said, now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

00:52:38.000 Wow. 0.98

00:52:39.000 Could you imagine standing next to a dude who's so fucking smart that he... 0.99

00:52:43.000 He created an atomic bomb. 0.99

00:52:45.000 Like his inventions gave birth to the atomic bomb. 1.00

00:52:48.000 And then you're standing next to him while it blows up and he quotes that kind of shit. 1.00

00:52:52.000 Like he's happy about it. 0.99

00:52:53.000 He's not happy.

00:52:54.000 He wasn't happy at all.

00:52:55.000 He thought it was a terrible, terrible mistake.

00:52:57.000 Yeah.

00:52:57.000 Well, a lot of these guys that are scientists, the real issue is in becoming a scientist, you're pursuing...

00:53:07.000 You're pursuing the measurement of different experiments, and you're trying to invent and create with technology.

00:53:17.000 But at a certain point in time, you must know that if you continue down this path, it's going to lead to insane amounts of people dying.

00:53:26.000 It's a battle now, because as a scientist, as a person who's trying to achieve a goal, you want to see if you can be the first person to do this.

00:53:36.000 You want to see if you can be the first person to split an atom inside a bomb and lead to this incredible explosion of energy.

00:53:42.000 You want to do that. 0.96

00:53:44.000 But then you have to realize, like, wow, if I do do that, what the fuck am I really doing? 0.75

00:53:48.000 Like, I am the only way this can get done. 0.98

00:53:51.000 And then there's the argument, well, if you don't do it, the Nazis are going to do it. 0.86

00:53:54.000 We have to do it first.

00:53:55.000 That's what the argument was.

00:53:57.000 And so this guy was caught in there, and he got there first.

00:54:01.000 And when he said that, that became one of the creepiest quotes ever attributed to anybody that's responsible for anything really monumental.

00:54:12.000 I had read that a lot of the...

00:54:14.000 The scientists we got were Jews who left Nazi Germany when they could get out.

00:54:18.000 I bet there was that too.

00:54:19.000 I'm sure there was that as well.

00:54:21.000 I mean, that's Einstein.

00:54:22.000 Yeah.

00:54:22.000 But I think the rocketry program in particular, NASA got a lot of...

00:54:29.000 They were still real Germans, not just Jewish Germans.

00:54:32.000 No, they were Nazis.

00:54:33.000 It was Operation Paperclip.

00:54:35.000 I mean, how many of them were Nazis because their families were forced into that because they were stuck there? 1.00

00:54:39.000 How many of them were Nazis because they were really fucking psychopath creeps? 0.99

00:54:44.000 Who knows? 1.00

00:54:44.000 How many of them actually were responsible for murder? 1.00

00:54:47.000 I don't know.

00:54:48.000 I would love to know what he was saying, though, because you've got to admit, the guy was a riveting performer, Hitler. 0.91

00:54:54.000 He was a charismatic speaker.

00:54:56.000 I mean, I thought, did you ever see pictures of Khrushchev?

00:54:59.000 Yes.

00:54:59.000 When he took his shoe off and banged him?

00:55:01.000 We will bury you! 1.00

00:55:02.000 Who the fuck takes their shoe off at a UN meeting and starts banging? 1.00

00:55:08.000 Do you remember that fear that we had? 1.00

00:55:10.000 You know, there was a fear of being in a nuclear war with Russia.

00:55:14.000 Sure.

00:55:15.000 And it was all the time.

00:55:16.000 We always felt it. 0.97

00:55:19.000 In the 80s, especially because there was no internet back then, we didn't know what the fuck was really going on. 0.97

00:55:25.000 The button, the red phone, the president had that power. 0.89

00:55:29.000 But you would get your news from either newspapers or the news shows.

00:55:35.000 That's where you got your news.

00:55:36.000 I wonder if it ever came close to a nuclear war.

00:55:39.000 Well, they say that the Bay of Pigs got pretty close.

00:55:45.000 Yeah.

00:55:45.000 Did you ever hear about the Russian sleep experiment that they did back in the, I want to say, yeah, 1940s?

00:55:52.000 They wanted to keep five prisoners awake.

00:55:55.000 I meant the Cuban Missile Crisis, not Bay of Pigs.

00:55:58.000 But no, what did they do?

00:55:59.000 They wanted to keep five people awake.

00:56:02.000 They took five prisoners, and they said, like, hey, we want to do some experiments on you, and we'll let you go.

00:56:07.000 So for, I think, the first five days, everyone was kind of, you know, Fine.

00:56:13.000 And then it went from them screaming for hours at a time, like, get me out of here!

00:56:19.000 And they had microphones in this pen.

00:56:22.000 It was like a sealed kind of thing that had no windows.

00:56:26.000 And they had microphones so they could record everybody, what they talked about.

00:56:30.000 And they started going crazy.

00:56:32.000 They started screaming and everything.

00:56:33.000 They were pumping this room fill of some gas, some test gas that they were trying to keep soldiers up for 10 days at a time.

00:56:41.000 And so then all the people started screaming.

00:56:43.000 Then they were quiet.

00:56:44.000 Then all the scientists were like, I think the microphones aren't working.

00:56:48.000 They're not making any noises at all.

00:56:50.000 And so they go in there and all the people are just very calm.

00:56:54.000 They didn't want to leave anymore and stuff like that.

00:56:56.000 And then when the experiment was over, Wouldn't leave like they were like fighting like they wanted to stay in this chamber they started people start like I guess people started like killing themselves because they didn't want to go like ripping their throats out and stuff like yeah and there's there's a video on YouTube called what is the exact name of the Russian sleep experiment it's on it's on YouTube and there's a video I think it's what the microphones recorded I'm remembering this now,

00:57:25.000 but I think I might have, in my own head, incorporated it into that.

00:57:29.000 Do you remember that movie, In the Mouth of Madness?

00:57:32.000 No.

00:57:33.000 What's that? 0.67

00:57:33.000 It was a movie about a dude who was an author who went fucking crazy, and I think I attributed some of the aspects of his... 0.67

00:57:40.000 The book had some weird power over people. 0.83

00:57:43.000 When they read the book, they'd get sucked into this crazy world, like the world around them would change.

00:57:48.000 Really fascinating book.

00:57:50.000 I forget who wrote it.

00:57:52.000 I want to say it's Stephen King, but it's not.

00:57:54.000 The mouth of madness.

00:57:56.000 Yeah, there's a website called creepypasta.wikia.

00:58:01.000 Whatever, just type in the Russian sleep experiment, and there's the whole story, and he breaks it down per hour, and then how people just, they started going crazy, and...

00:58:12.000 That movie, In the Mouth of Madness, is a John Carpenter movie. 0.98

00:58:16.000 Creepy ass movie. 0.99

00:58:17.000 It's a really good movie. 0.99

00:58:18.000 But for some reason I incorporated that.

00:58:21.000 I guess that is like a real news story.

00:58:22.000 I incorporated that in my memory. 0.99

00:58:24.000 It just goes to show you how memories can be faulty as fuck. 0.97

00:58:28.000 I incorporated that reality into a fake memory. 0.98

00:58:33.000 I guess one of the people were hurt and they tried to give him anesthesia and the guy was like, I must remain awake.

00:58:38.000 I must stay awake.

00:58:39.000 Whoa.

00:58:44.000 Yeah.

00:58:44.000 It's interesting, though.

00:58:46.000 When you get a chance to read this whole thing.

00:58:47.000 Are you sure this is not fiction?

00:58:50.000 I always thought it was real.

00:58:51.000 I've heard that there's people that questioned it based on the YouTube video.

00:58:56.000 Because the YouTube video is just the microphone, so I think a lot of people are like, hey, that's not real. 0.92

00:59:00.000 Somebody's just bullshitting.

00:59:02.000 At one point, they do start screaming and running around and stuff.

00:59:05.000 But I never really researched it.

00:59:09.000 It's something...

00:59:10.000 That I heard a long time ago.

00:59:13.000 Hmm.

00:59:14.000 But, yeah.

00:59:16.000 I'm sure the internet will tell me if it's real or not soon.

00:59:19.000 Yeah.

00:59:20.000 If it's on the internet, it's got to be true.

00:59:21.000 Right.

00:59:22.000 Yeah, I want to find out if this is true.

00:59:25.000 Should I go to Snopes?

00:59:26.000 Is the Russian sleep experiment true?

00:59:31.000 Huh.

00:59:32.000 Huh.

00:59:33.000 Yeah, I need to find this out because we have to make sure that we don't spread disinformation.

00:59:40.000 People get so aggro with correcting us.

00:59:44.000 Joe, you're spreading false weed knowledge.

00:59:48.000 I try, folks. 0.99

00:59:48.000 I try so hard to get shit right. 0.99

00:59:51.000 One dude got mad because I called hemp a cousin of marijuana. 0.98

00:59:55.000 Meanwhile it says it's a cousin like everywhere online, everywhere you read.

01:00:00.000 Just Google cousin hemp marijuana.

01:00:01.000 Don't they get marijuana from him?

01:00:03.000 BBC has it.

01:00:04.000 It's a strain.

01:00:05.000 It's a different strain and it's the male of the species and I understand that.

01:00:09.000 And this guy was saying that I was spreading disinformation.

01:00:13.000 It's like people are like jumping up trying to catch you saying something wrong.

01:00:18.000 So when we have something like this This is a nice way to say things, folks.

01:00:24.000 And if something's wrong, say, hey, I think maybe there's a dispute about the definition of this.

01:00:29.000 Or, hey, maybe you didn't know, but even though everybody calls it a cousin, it's something else.

01:00:34.000 Or, hey, maybe...

01:00:37.000 Be nice, folks.

01:00:38.000 Don't be all cunty.

01:00:39.000 Stop with the disinformation!

01:00:42.000 You're doing it on purpose.

01:00:43.000 I have two friends that are lawyers, and one of them always ends the argument by going, you're wrong.

01:00:48.000 Oh, God.

01:00:49.000 So that shuts it all down.

01:00:50.000 Oh, God.

01:00:51.000 You're wrong. 0.99

01:00:52.000 Those guys are just so gross. 1.00

01:00:56.000 Can't you have a conversation, you weak bitch? 1.00

01:00:58.000 Have a conversation with someone who has a completely different point of view from you and take it in. 1.00

01:01:03.000 Take it in.

01:01:03.000 That's why I don't talk politics.

01:01:05.000 Because I've never seen anybody go at the end of a political discussion, you know what?

01:01:08.000 You've got a good point.

01:01:09.000 I think I'm going to change my mind.

01:01:11.000 There's an issue with a lot of men, socially, when it comes to arguing about things.

01:01:15.000 And that issue is they're trying to win.

01:01:17.000 They're not comfortable with themselves enough to just be themselves.

01:01:21.000 They're trying to establish societal dominance.

01:01:24.000 They're trying to establish a social dominance.

01:01:27.000 I have a friend, okay?

01:01:29.000 Just a very nice person who has a husband.

01:01:33.000 Just pin the name over.

01:01:34.000 Who has a husband.

01:01:35.000 And when I'm forced to interact with this guy, it always becomes this weird thing where he tries to brag about something.

01:01:43.000 And it's this weird social thing.

01:01:46.000 And it might be like, He'll try to crack a subtle joke at you.

01:01:50.000 But whatever it is, it's this weird, uncomfortable posturing thing that goes on.

01:01:56.000 And so when I'm around him, I always treat it like a research subject.

01:02:00.000 I always like, wait, what throws it off exactly?

01:02:05.000 What do we have to do to get them to stop?

01:02:08.000 What should I do this time?

01:02:09.000 Should I just agree with them?

01:02:10.000 You're amazing.

01:02:11.000 Just say, you are a really amazing guy.

01:02:14.000 Your wife is so fortunate.

01:02:16.000 You changed my life.

01:02:17.000 Make them really uncomfortable.

01:02:18.000 Can we hang out together more?

01:02:20.000 Because I think I can learn from you.

01:02:21.000 There's just something about you.

01:02:23.000 What do you do?

01:02:23.000 That's so passive-aggressive, you know?

01:02:25.000 Do you mock them or do you call them out on it?

01:02:28.000 I wouldn't call them out.

01:02:30.000 I think it's like the guy with the Israel thing.

01:02:33.000 Mm-hmm.

01:02:33.000 When I found out that he posted this thing four times, I called him up and I said, you know, I really look forward to working with you again.

01:02:40.000 I understand you're coming in today.

01:02:42.000 If you need, I could send a car for you at the airport or I could pick you up myself. 0.99

01:02:46.000 Totally just being fucking evil. 0.97

01:02:48.000 I was, you know. 1.00

01:02:50.000 But instead of like going, fuck you, and then he's got that recorded. 0.99

01:02:53.000 It's like, hey man, thank you for doing that. 1.00

01:02:55.000 I appreciate the exposure in Israel.

01:02:58.000 Look, it's indefensible. 0.99

01:02:59.000 The fact this guy wanted you to fly into a war zone is fucking nuts. 1.00

01:03:03.000 To tell some jokey jokes, the guy's an asshole. 1.00

01:03:06.000 He didn't like the fact that he had given his deposit back or whatever the fuck went wrong. 1.00

01:03:09.000 But guess what, dude? 0.99

01:03:10.000 That's part of what goes on when you're dealing with shit in a war zone. 0.99

01:03:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:03:14.000 Okay? 0.99

01:03:14.000 And it's not the fucking entertainer's fault that they don't want to fly into a fucking war zone. 0.99

01:03:19.000 And the writer apologized and he said, we've got to be careful not to get comedians that are skittish. 1.00

01:03:25.000 So in other words, You know, I'm sorry for what I said, but these guys are pussies. 1.00

01:03:31.000 Skittish. 1.00

01:03:32.000 Yeah, you know, I don't think you use the word skittish when there's bombs.

01:03:36.000 Right.

01:03:36.000 He's skittish around bombs.

01:03:38.000 If there's actual bombs going off, you can't.

01:03:41.000 I get anxiety attacks when I'm getting shot at.

01:03:44.000 Is it a real war?

01:03:45.000 Oh, it's a real war.

01:03:46.000 Huh.

01:03:47.000 I think you might be a little harsh. 1.00

01:03:50.000 Skittish, you judgmental cunt face. 1.00

01:03:52.000 Where does this guy live? 1.00

01:03:54.000 That shit's not real. 1.00

01:03:55.000 Which one? 1.00

01:03:55.000 The guy who booked this shit. 1.00

01:03:56.000 Oh, here. 1.00

01:03:57.000 He lives here.

01:03:57.000 Oh, oh, yeah.

01:03:59.000 He doesn't live there.

01:04:00.000 He doesn't go over there, does he?

01:04:01.000 Yeah, he goes over, but he doesn't live here. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Fucking pussy. 1.00

01:04:04.000 How dare he? 1.00

01:04:05.000 Everyone's saying that Russian shit's fake. 1.00

01:04:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:07.000 From 2009, it was just like this viral thing that went around. 1.00

01:04:10.000 It's a fictional piece of work.

01:04:12.000 It appears to have started spreading in a viral fashion sometime in 2009. Meanwhile, we were just contributing to disinformation, Brian!

01:04:20.000 You're part of the problem. 1.00

01:04:21.000 I told you, Brian is fucking Illuminati! 1.00

01:04:24.000 That's good. 1.00

01:04:25.000 It's a nice story, though.

01:04:26.000 At least you called yourself for it.

01:04:28.000 It's good and creepy.

01:04:29.000 It was good and creepy.

01:04:30.000 I remember it from a while ago and I just remember reading it and going, that's crazy.

01:04:35.000 I guess it's just a cool...

01:04:36.000 It's not even a hoax, apparently.

01:04:38.000 It was just a piece of fiction.

01:04:40.000 I like this provididol?

01:04:42.000 Provigil.

01:04:43.000 Yeah, I could feel it.

01:04:44.000 I feel wide awake right now.

01:04:45.000 Oh, you took it?

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:46.000 It's going to kick in even later.

01:04:48.000 See if your pulse is elevated.

01:04:50.000 No. 1.00

01:04:50.000 We learned about this shit from powerful Dave Asprey and powerful Tim Ferriss. 1.00

01:04:55.000 It's an eye. 1.00

01:04:56.000 I just feel awake though.

01:04:57.000 I will say no more.

01:04:59.000 Yeah.

01:05:00.000 Are those guys comedians?

01:05:00.000 See if it works.

01:05:01.000 No.

01:05:02.000 That's one of the cool things about having this podcast is that I get to hang out and talk to all these dudes way off the beaten path that I would never get to communicate with.

01:05:11.000 Like this guy Dave Asprey, I would guess you would call him a human performance expert.

01:05:17.000 And he runs a tech company, but on top of that, he also has this website that he puts out all this information about health and Fitness and he does these brain hacking things.

01:05:32.000 How'd you find him?

01:05:34.000 Just met him online, man.

01:05:36.000 Met him through communicating online.

01:05:38.000 You know, people recommended his work and then you check him out.

01:05:41.000 We had the guy in here. 0.98

01:05:42.000 He's a fucking super creepy genius. 0.99

01:05:45.000 He was one of those crazy Podcasts where after it's over, you've got to go back with a piece of paper and write down shit and Google things. 1.00

01:05:53.000 It was a crazy podcast. 0.96

01:05:54.000 I learned a lot of stuff.

01:05:55.000 What are the odds of getting a chance to talk to a guy like that if you didn't have a podcast like this? 0.99

01:06:00.000 How would you get someone to sit down with you for three hours and talk about shit? 0.99

01:06:05.000 I'm always amazed by the mind. 1.00

01:06:07.000 I used to teach school until fourth grade, and I was amazed at how kids had different intelligence.

01:06:12.000 I remember I was really bad at math, but I knew every...

01:06:16.000 The batting average of the top ten players in the American National League, without even thinking about it, I knew the earned run average of the pitchers.

01:06:25.000 Isn't that incredible?

01:06:25.000 The way your mind accepts things.

01:06:27.000 I was fucking retarded in math. 0.99

01:06:30.000 Yeah, I always loved that I knew Marvin Hagler's record. 0.99

01:06:33.000 I knew who he lost to, what the decision was.

01:06:37.000 I knew Duran's record.

01:06:40.000 I could read you back.

01:06:43.000 Where he had his first loss, when he beat Ken Buchanan to get the title.

01:06:48.000 Did you watch that whole fight the other night?

01:06:49.000 Yeah, I did.

01:06:51.000 That was crazy.

01:06:54.000 It was crazy the way he walked into it.

01:06:56.000 You can't let down.

01:06:58.000 You can't make that instantaneous mistake in boxing.

01:07:00.000 I think he's got his attention very stretched as well.

01:07:04.000 There's a bunch of issues with Pacquiao, I think.

01:07:07.000 I think one of the big issues is that he's like...

01:07:10.000 I don't think we can even wrap our heads around how famous that guy is.

01:07:14.000 Oh, in the Philippines?

01:07:15.000 Yeah.

01:07:15.000 I mean, he's like a god.

01:07:17.000 He could be president.

01:07:18.000 He could be president of the Philippines.

01:07:19.000 So there's that. 0.99

01:07:21.000 And being a congressman over there, who knows what kind of crazy fucking pressure that guy's under. 0.99

01:07:27.000 Who knows? 0.99

01:07:27.000 I don't understand. 0.99

01:07:28.000 And then on top of that, he's trying to train.

01:07:30.000 And then on top of that, he's super famous.

01:07:33.000 So he's got to constantly be doing media things.

01:07:36.000 Constantly be doing interviews.

01:07:37.000 Constantly talking to people.

01:07:38.000 And then on top of that, he has a family. 1.00

01:07:41.000 That's a lot of shit. 1.00

01:07:42.000 I don't know if you could really do that. 1.00

01:07:46.000 I think you could do it for a little while because you were so good at boxing to begin with.

01:07:51.000 But I think he's at a point where his skills have started to slip because of the fact that he's not putting the same amount of focus into it as he was.

01:07:59.000 He's got too many distractions.

01:08:00.000 And then on top of that, he's had a lot of wars.

01:08:02.000 He's had a lot of crazy fights.

01:08:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:03.000 I mean, he wasn't getting hit too much in other fights, but man, these goddamn Marquez fights. 0.99

01:08:07.000 Marquez just has his number. 0.98

01:08:09.000 Some guys just have your number.

01:08:10.000 But didn't you think he was winning up to that point?

01:08:12.000 Yes.

01:08:12.000 Yes, I did.

01:08:13.000 But he did get knocked down.

01:08:14.000 And he got knocked down with one punch.

01:08:16.000 And that was the first time.

01:08:18.000 The first time he got knocked down, he got knocked down in the fourth, maybe?

01:08:23.000 And then he got knocked out in the sixth.

01:08:24.000 One second to go.

01:08:26.000 That's the cleanest punch I've ever seen a quick guy take.

01:08:29.000 Like a guy at that kind of lightning speed.

01:08:31.000 Because he really walked into it flush.

01:08:34.000 You couldn't hit a guy any more perfect.

01:08:37.000 Marquez just drilled it down the middle.

01:08:40.000 Brilliant placement.

01:08:42.000 And when you see the impact of it, we were watching it in Dana White's dressing room.

01:08:47.000 And when you see the impact of Pacquiao's head fly back, you were like...

01:08:51.000 He fell down face first.

01:08:52.000 And then you see him fall down face first.

01:08:54.000 We all just leapt up.

01:08:56.000 We were like, whoa!

01:08:58.000 Like, who saw that coming?

01:09:00.000 Because Pacquiao was moving in on him.

01:09:01.000 Like, he had hurt Marquez before that.

01:09:03.000 Yeah, he got a little too cocky.

01:09:04.000 Got a little too cocky. 0.99

01:09:05.000 See, I would love to hit somebody like that without fear of getting hit back. 0.96

01:09:09.000 Well, that's what I've always said. 0.85

01:09:11.000 Like, people say, like, hey, man, why don't you fight, man?

01:09:13.000 Why don't you fight MMA? First of all, everybody wants to beat people up.

01:09:18.000 No one wants to fight.

01:09:20.000 Everybody that says things like that, you don't know what a fight is. 1.00

01:09:23.000 A fight is he gets to do that to you too, stupid. 1.00

01:09:26.000 It's not a matter of, if I can kick ass, I just go in there and kick ass. 1.00

01:09:30.000 Then people who can also kick ass are going to kick your ass. 1.00

01:09:33.000 You understand that, right? 1.00

01:09:34.000 You have to be ready for the craziest fucking competition known to man. 0.99

01:09:39.000 That's what you're doing. 0.99

01:09:40.000 He's a professional fighter.

01:09:40.000 He trains as a fighter.

01:09:42.000 You can't just go kick ass, okay? 0.99

01:09:43.000 It doesn't work that way, dude. 0.99

01:09:44.000 You know what's funny about people that talk about... 0.98

01:09:46.000 This guy used to say, I'll fucking throw you through a wall. 0.98

01:09:49.000 First of all, when's the last time you were in a fight? 1.00

01:09:52.000 Second grade.

01:09:53.000 You know what I mean?

01:09:54.000 Like, these guys, they talk about fighting all the time. 1.00

01:09:55.000 I'll fucking kill. 1.00

01:09:56.000 I'll break your fucking head. 1.00

01:09:58.000 You never did anything. 1.00

01:09:59.000 Are you fighting Kool-Aid?

01:10:01.000 A whole series?

01:10:02.000 Hey, Kool-Aid.

01:10:03.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:10:05.000 There's a whole series of dudes I've met throughout my life who've told me that they can't lose because of their mentality.

01:10:11.000 Oh, yeah, right.

01:10:11.000 It's this thing that guys will tell you.

01:10:13.000 This fucking guy, it was a year ago a guy told me. 0.99

01:10:16.000 He goes, I tell you what, man, if I dedicated myself to MMA, if I dedicated myself, I would dominate. 1.00

01:10:21.000 Because dude...

01:10:22.000 My mentality is, I cannot lose.

01:10:25.000 How about getting hit here? 0.58

01:10:27.000 Get hit here on this nerve and see how you can lose.

01:10:29.000 And I have to sit there when a guy says something like that and just nod and go, okay, yeah, well, good luck with that mentality.

01:10:35.000 But you don't understand my mentality.

01:10:37.000 I cannot lose.

01:10:38.000 When I get that in my head...

01:10:39.000 Just make sure you don't fight anybody.

01:10:41.000 They always invade your space when they're telling you this.

01:10:43.000 Do you ever get people challenging you?

01:10:45.000 No, no, no.

01:10:46.000 I'm super friendly.

01:10:47.000 I'm not very standoffish at all.

01:10:49.000 I know you are.

01:10:50.000 You're great with people.

01:10:51.000 But if someone like those kind of guys, if you challenge them, if you want to get in an altercation with a dude, you can say something and they will probably hit you.

01:11:01.000 There's a lot of people that are just running around looking for someone to hit.

01:11:03.000 I told you that Ray Mancini story, right?

01:11:05.000 What happened?

01:11:06.000 He came to see me at the improv with his wife and his kids.

01:11:10.000 And then when I got off, he came out to talk to me.

01:11:12.000 This guy comes up and he goes, Hey Ray, boom boom Mancini.

01:11:16.000 It's great.

01:11:17.000 He gets all excited.

01:11:18.000 He goes, Hey Ray, can you hit me?

01:11:21.000 And he goes, what? 0.83

01:11:22.000 And I go, look, man.

01:11:23.000 He goes, yeah, I want to see what it feels like to get hit by a professional boxer. 0.93

01:11:27.000 Just hit me. 0.83

01:11:28.000 I go, look, man, he can't hit you. 1.00

01:11:29.000 He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. 0.99

01:11:31.000 He can't hit you. 1.00

01:11:32.000 And the guy goes, oh, come on.

01:11:33.000 He goes, all right, well, can I hit you then? 1.00

01:11:35.000 And I go, will you get the fuck out of here? 1.00

01:11:37.000 Can I hit you then? 1.00

01:11:38.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:11:39.000 I know. 1.00

01:11:40.000 Can I hit you then? 0.99

01:11:41.000 Can I give you a shot just to show you how strong I am? 0.99

01:11:43.000 I'm just on the arm.

01:11:44.000 I had a guy ask me if he could carry me once.

01:11:46.000 He goes, what?

01:11:47.000 Carry me.

01:11:48.000 Carry you?

01:11:48.000 Was it raining outside?

01:11:53.000 He put his jacket down over the puddle.

01:11:55.000 He wanted to take a picture with me and he wanted to hold me.

01:11:58.000 Are you serious?

01:11:59.000 And that's how he said it too.

01:12:00.000 He said, can I carry you?

01:12:01.000 I go, what?

01:12:03.000 No. 1.00

01:12:04.000 What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1.00

01:12:05.000 He was a big giant dude. 1.00

01:12:06.000 He was this big, he looked like he was a Native American.

01:12:09.000 Long hair, long dark hair. 1.00

01:12:11.000 Scary as fuck. 1.00

01:12:12.000 Juicy food. 1.00

01:12:13.000 You know, you have a problem with that guy.

01:12:15.000 It would take a while.

01:12:16.000 There's a question that stands alone.

01:12:18.000 Can I carry you? 0.99

01:12:19.000 Come on, crazy. 0.88

01:12:20.000 Yeah, right. 0.51

01:12:21.000 He's probably like 6'8", 6'9", big giant dude.

01:12:24.000 Wanted to pick people up in pictures.

01:12:26.000 That's his thing.

01:12:28.000 A strange fetish, but understandable.

01:12:31.000 Well, you know, and that's what you got, you know?

01:12:32.000 It's a funny thing when people, like, you know, they're, like, super proud of, like, a physical attribute that they were, you know, sort of born with, like, being, like, really crazy tall.

01:12:42.000 Yeah, well, you know how tall I am.

01:12:43.000 I'm just pretty fucking tall, so I just walk in.

01:12:46.000 Being tall and all, and, like... 0.73

01:12:49.000 It's a strange thing. 0.99

01:12:50.000 You know, I suspect guys with big dicks have that too. 0.99

01:12:54.000 Yeah, we do. 1.00

01:12:55.000 I'm happy that they got a big dick. 1.00

01:12:57.000 But listen, man, you could have easily been born with a micro dicks that you laugh at online. 1.00

01:13:00.000 That dude didn't ask for that dick. 1.00

01:13:02.000 You didn't ask for your dick. 1.00

01:13:03.000 You're lucky. 1.00

01:13:04.000 What is that that you're showing in the corner?

01:13:06.000 People are saying that you are an undercover Russian spy or something like that.

01:13:11.000 How's that?

01:13:12.000 So I'm showing the KGB logo.

01:13:14.000 Why are they saying I'm an undercover Russian spy?

01:13:16.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:13:17.000 How the fuck am I being an undercover Russian spy? 0.99

01:13:18.000 You get a lot of tweets during the show? 0.99

01:13:20.000 Yeah.

01:13:21.000 It's fun to watch live feedback.

01:13:23.000 Joe doesn't like it. 0.99

01:13:24.000 Well, the problem is they will entertain your thoughts with a lot of negative shit. 1.00

01:13:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:13:30.000 And you're inviting...

01:13:31.000 I mean, every now and then it might be fun, but you're inviting too many options. 1.00

01:13:37.000 Do people really think you're a reptilian or all that shit? 1.00

01:13:40.000 No. 1.00

01:13:40.000 Do really people believe that you're some part of the... 1.00

01:13:43.000 Yeah, the Illuminati.

01:13:44.000 I'm sure there's some... 0.76

01:13:45.000 Look, there's a lot of people that are what you call paranoid schizophrenics.

01:13:48.000 And that's legit.

01:13:50.000 And that's not like a small percentage of our population.

01:13:53.000 I know several. 0.93

01:13:55.000 I know many people that have legit mental illnesses.

01:13:59.000 I think it's super common.

01:14:00.000 So if you're a person with a legit mental illness and you see someone on television, you can get completely convinced.

01:14:08.000 That they're involved in some sort of secret society to hold you down. 0.91

01:14:11.000 I know a dude who's losing his mind.

01:14:14.000 That one dude we know who's losing his mind. 1.00

01:14:16.000 Thinks that everybody's working for the fucking CIA. Do we know a few people that are really losing their mind? 1.00

01:14:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:21.000 People being mind controlled and shit. 1.00

01:14:23.000 Like, what? 0.99

01:14:23.000 Or you're like, stop. 0.99

01:14:25.000 Settle the fuck down. 1.00

01:14:27.000 There's much less conspiracy afoot than people would like to see fit, than people would like to believe, rather. 0.99

01:14:33.000 Have you ever been contacted by any of these groups like Scientologists or Illuminati?

01:14:38.000 I would be into joining Scientology.

01:14:39.000 They seem like they have a lot of money and they protect their people well.

01:14:43.000 We'll have to rework some of your rules, but I think we'll be fine.

01:14:47.000 I don't understand that religion.

01:14:48.000 Do they believe in God? 1.00

01:14:51.000 Look, they're a group of badasses. 1.00

01:14:55.000 They're very successful. 0.87

01:14:56.000 If you look at what Scientology has done, they're amazing at making money and at managing their business, their business of Scientology, and amazing at acquiring really expensive real estate.

01:15:06.000 I think they're like a big real estate holder in Los Angeles. 0.91

01:15:09.000 They own some really big fucking buildings, a lot of really expensive stuff. 0.99

01:15:12.000 So they're smart. 0.99

01:15:13.000 That was L. Ron Hubbard, right?

01:15:15.000 Yeah, he's the guy who started it.

01:15:16.000 He's been dead for a long time.

01:15:18.000 Do they believe in a god, or do they believe their god? 1.00

01:15:21.000 They believe some crazy shit written by L. Ron Hubbard. 0.99

01:15:26.000 That's what's really weird about it. 0.99

01:15:29.000 It seems to me that some people just need a structure.

01:15:34.000 They need some stuff that tells them all the answers.

01:15:38.000 Every question that they have is answered, whether illogical or not.

01:15:42.000 Some people just need that base covered.

01:15:46.000 And they'll take that base from Scientology, or they'll take that base from Buddhism, or they'll take that base from Christianity.

01:15:54.000 They'll take that base from whoever gets there first.

01:15:56.000 Whoever gets there first, whoever's in the right position, who resonates with them the most, they'll accept that.

01:16:01.000 And for something like Scientology, one of the good things about Scientology, as opposed to a lot of the other religions, is there's a lot of like Pretty interesting principles that they mess with in terms of managing your consciousness, positive thinking,

01:16:18.000 accepting positive things in your life, enacting change.

01:16:23.000 That's why Dianetics was so successful.

01:16:27.000 Dianetics, when they sold it on TV, you didn't know that you were becoming a part of some sort of crazy religious cult.

01:16:33.000 You thought that you were buying a self-help book.

01:16:35.000 And I bought a bunch of self-help books, man. 1.00

01:16:38.000 I bought Tony Robbins' shit. 1.00

01:16:39.000 I listened to his books on tape. 1.00

01:16:41.000 Yeah, when I was poor as fuck living in Revere, I used to listen to... 0.98

01:16:45.000 You lived in Revere? 0.99

01:16:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:46.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:16:47.000 I was a struggling comedian.

01:16:49.000 I was listening to Anthony Robbins' tapes and just thinking about how to make things happen.

01:16:54.000 He's a really good motivator.

01:16:56.000 And the Dianetics thing, I thought was very similar.

01:17:01.000 That's what I thought it was.

01:17:02.000 And then when I got it, when I... When I got the book, they sent me invitations to go to, like, the Scientology Center and all this different shit. 0.97

01:17:12.000 They sent me them almost every month. 0.87

01:17:14.000 They were relentless for years.

01:17:17.000 Like, if you're lost, they reach out, and they just get you.

01:17:21.000 It's like, this was pre-internet, okay?

01:17:23.000 Because this is, like, 1994. So it was fascinating to me, because I didn't understand what it was.

01:17:29.000 We had no internet, okay?

01:17:31.000 Wrap your head around that, people.

01:17:32.000 So when I... If someone...

01:17:34.000 Ask me what Scientology was.

01:17:36.000 I had to like literally go to a store.

01:17:38.000 I had to buy a book.

01:17:39.000 I had to read it myself. 0.99

01:17:40.000 So in reading this Dianetics book and then getting all these emails or these mails, actual physical mails sent to my mailbox from this group, I was like, what the fuck is this? 0.72

01:17:49.000 So then it piqued my curiosity and then I really looked into it and I was like, wow, this is amazing. 0.95

01:17:55.000 This is a cult.

01:17:56.000 Did you ever get sucked into any of that?

01:17:58.000 No, no, I never went to like a meeting or anything, but I did sit down with a dude and he did that stress test thing on me.

01:18:03.000 Oh, they did?

01:18:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:18:05.000 But that was way later.

01:18:06.000 That was like a couple of years ago.

01:18:08.000 Well, you definitely needed it, didn't it?

01:18:09.000 Like the outcome of that test was like you need to become a Scientologist.

01:18:12.000 Oh, it's pretty clear.

01:18:14.000 Yeah.

01:18:14.000 It's pretty clear.

01:18:16.000 It's the most ridiculous device ever. 0.80

01:18:18.000 I'm sitting there and I don't think, I wish we had Cara Santa Maria on, she could explain us the science behind it and how woefully lacking it is and Real science. 0.91

01:18:27.000 I wish we could too.

01:18:28.000 Because you're in love.

01:18:29.000 But anyway, they would sit down with you and you hold on to this e-meter and you would ask questions. 0.76

01:18:36.000 And I don't remember the nature of the questions, but I just remember it being so ridiculous.

01:18:40.000 And I remember asking, like, how many different things can affect this?

01:18:44.000 You know, what about intent?

01:18:45.000 Does intent affect it?

01:18:46.000 What if I get angry?

01:18:47.000 Does that affect it? 0.96

01:18:48.000 So then I tried to just think of answers in a fucked up way, so I could really raise my craziness up. 0.99

01:18:55.000 Did they have your brain all wired? 0.97

01:18:58.000 I'm not exactly sure because I was really high when I did this.

01:19:03.000 So it wasn't that long ago?

01:19:04.000 It was a couple years ago.

01:19:06.000 I was filming a game show in my head.

01:19:11.000 We were down there.

01:19:12.000 So that was pre-before Fear Factor came out.

01:19:15.000 So it was a couple of years ago.

01:19:16.000 At least three years ago. 0.99

01:19:18.000 Anyway, point being, I'm sitting there with these fucking tin cans in my hands, like holding on to this thing. 0.99

01:19:24.000 And this guy who is reading out of this book like a Prozac zombie. 0.99

01:19:30.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:31.000 He's a weird, disconnected dude.

01:19:34.000 And he's reading me these things.

01:19:36.000 He definitely doesn't know who I am.

01:19:37.000 He's never watched Fear Fact or anything before.

01:19:40.000 He asked me my name a couple of times.

01:19:43.000 He forgot it.

01:19:44.000 He had to ask me again.

01:19:45.000 But the way he was taking me through, how do you feel when you feel about your childhood?

01:19:54.000 I'm like, it's great.

01:19:55.000 It's pretty good.

01:19:55.000 Good childhood.

01:19:56.000 I'm here.

01:19:57.000 I'm healthy.

01:19:58.000 Okay.

01:19:59.000 How do you feel about your education?

01:20:01.000 He was asking me these weird questions while I'm holding onto these cans.

01:20:04.000 What was he looking for?

01:20:05.000 I don't know.

01:20:06.000 I don't understand it.

01:20:07.000 They're trying to show that you have a certain amount of stress in your life, and what they would recommend is that you look into Dianetics, and then you look into Dianetics, and then boom, you're a Scientologist.

01:20:21.000 What Scientology can do for a lot of people is provide them with a framework.

01:20:25.000 Provide them with a scaffolding.

01:20:27.000 It gives them a way to move forward.

01:20:30.000 And that's legit for everybody, whether it's Christianity or anything. 0.94

01:20:34.000 When you give someone a framework, all they need is a step-by-step instruction of how to get through life or how to move through to the next stage, how to go get a job, how to get their shit together. 0.93

01:20:45.000 People need instructionals, even whack ones. 0.68

01:20:49.000 Even whack ones that have aliens in them and all that other stuff.

01:20:53.000 The Thetans and the volcanoes.

01:20:55.000 What is the story?

01:20:56.000 We can play the quick South Park clip.

01:20:58.000 Yes, let's do that.

01:20:59.000 Let's do that. 1.00

01:21:00.000 Why fuck around when the masters have already nailed it? 1.00

01:21:03.000 Okay, hold on. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Let's get this right.

01:21:07.000 I could tell you what stresses you, Joe.

01:21:08.000 What?

01:21:09.000 Lack of integrity.

01:21:10.000 Yeah.

01:21:11.000 In anything.

01:21:12.000 Stealing material. 1.00

01:21:14.000 People to bullshit. 1.00

01:21:16.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:21:17.000 Yeah, let's listen to this.

01:21:19.000 Okay, let's see if we can...

01:21:21.000 There is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed.

01:21:24.000 An alien reason.

01:21:26.000 It all began 75 million years ago.

01:21:30.000 Back then, there was a galactic federation of clans, which was ruled over by the evil lord Theon.

01:21:38.000 Zenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets, and then had those aliens frozen.

01:21:50.000 And then there's a graphic that says, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

01:21:55.000 ...which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines.

01:21:58.000 The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.

01:22:06.000 The aliens were no longer frozen.

01:22:08.000 They were dead.

01:22:09.000 The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky.

01:22:14.000 But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.

01:22:18.000 Xenu didn't want their souls to return, and so he built giant soul catchers in the sky.

01:22:25.000 The souls were taken to a new soul brainwashing facility, which Xenu had also built on Earth.

01:22:30.000 There, the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material, which tricked them into believing a false reality.

01:22:36.000 Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the Earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion.

01:22:42.000 At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they could grab onto.

01:22:46.000 They attached themselves to all mankind, which still, to this day, causes all our fears, our confusion, and our bodies.

01:22:55.000 So, yeah.

01:22:57.000 Brilliant.

01:22:58.000 That's where our fears, our confusions, and our problems come from.

01:23:01.000 From theetans. 0.99

01:23:04.000 They're so fucking smart, aren't they? 0.99

01:23:05.000 Oh, those guys are the best. 0.98

01:23:06.000 I love South Park.

01:23:08.000 Have you ever met those guys?

01:23:10.000 Me?

01:23:10.000 No.

01:23:11.000 Have you ever been to the Laugh Factory, or do they come in there?

01:23:15.000 What's the guy's name?

01:23:16.000 Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

01:23:17.000 Trey Parker.

01:23:18.000 I've met somewhere along the line.

01:23:20.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:23:20.000 I think he was producing a long time ago, maybe on Fox or something, or writing.

01:23:24.000 So you used to open up for Cher.

01:23:25.000 Did you ever mess around with Cher?

01:23:27.000 Did you ever get a part of that?

01:23:28.000 Did I ever what?

01:23:29.000 Like mess around with Cher?

01:23:31.000 You mean like sexually?

01:23:32.000 Yeah.

01:23:32.000 No, not even close.

01:23:34.000 Or you know, touch her butt? 1.00

01:23:34.000 No. 1.00

01:23:34.000 Wear her outfit with the butt? 1.00

01:23:36.000 I remember one night we were working at the Mirage.

01:23:39.000 And when we were working at casinos, we would see each other, like at an arena. 0.94

01:23:44.000 There'd be a break after it, you know, so I would never see her because she'd be putting on one of her wigs and her eyelashes and all that shit. 1.00

01:23:51.000 And she goes to me, as we're walking by her, she goes, I can't believe you did a jizz over a hedge joke. 0.98

01:23:58.000 My grandmother's here. 1.00

01:24:00.000 And I said, I can't believe that your grandfather gets to see your ass. 1.00

01:24:04.000 Right? 0.99

01:24:06.000 So later on that night, we're downstairs at a party in her room.

01:24:10.000 And her grandmother says, almost like it was a sitcom, she goes, I love that bit you did about the hedge. 0.99

01:24:16.000 I look at Shara and she goes, what the fuck? 0.99

01:24:20.000 She was cool though, very cool. 0.99

01:24:22.000 It's so weird how people are.

01:24:24.000 A friend of mine is working with her, they're doing a gig in Russia soon. 0.98

01:24:29.000 She's very fucking talented. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Obviously she's accomplished, whether you like her or not. 0.99

01:24:34.000 And she's insecure about her voice. 0.94

01:24:36.000 I suck, but I love to sing. 1.00

01:24:40.000 I'm singing with him with all my fucking... 1.00

01:24:41.000 I'm not insecure. 0.99

01:24:42.000 But of course, she's famous as a singer. 1.00

01:24:45.000 But it's just so weird how people can be insecure.

01:24:47.000 And we know this from any part of show business.

01:24:50.000 The needy comedian.

01:24:51.000 What'd you think?

01:24:52.000 Yeah.

01:24:53.000 It's the worst.

01:24:54.000 And unfortunately, there's a lot of us that I really like that are like that.

01:24:58.000 They want to come up to you.

01:24:58.000 Is this good?

01:24:59.000 Is this okay?

01:25:00.000 I'm like, come on, man. 1.00

01:25:01.000 Get out of here with that shit. 1.00

01:25:03.000 Go up there, dude. 1.00

01:25:05.000 It's funny because the way we do stand-up, all of us together, it's kind of the same way.

01:25:09.000 I mean, we all get together.

01:25:10.000 We have these shows, whether it's Ari or Duncan or Joey or whatever.

01:25:14.000 We're just hanging out, and then one of us will go on stage.

01:25:17.000 I mean, you've done these shows with us.

01:25:19.000 Of course.

01:25:19.000 Another one will go on stage.

01:25:21.000 But every now and then we'll bring someone new into the mix, and then they're like, is this any good?

01:25:25.000 Man, should I open with this?

01:25:26.000 What should I do?

01:25:27.000 What are you doing?

01:25:28.000 Go up there.

01:25:30.000 Come on, man. 0.98

01:25:31.000 Stop being crazy. 0.94

01:25:32.000 Both of them were on that show last night. 0.75

01:25:34.000 They left, I think, before you came in.

01:25:35.000 No, I met Ari upstairs. 1.00

01:25:38.000 They were both fucking really funny, but Joey was fucking high. 0.99

01:25:42.000 His eyes were, like, close. 0.99

01:25:44.000 He goes, I'm so fucking high, Dom! 0.99

01:25:46.000 And he almost fell. 0.99

01:25:48.000 I tell you, he almost fell off.

01:25:49.000 He's a big boy.

01:25:50.000 He's a big boy.

01:25:50.000 That's not good if he falls off that stage.

01:25:52.000 That's not a short stage.

01:25:53.000 No, no, he was going to fall backwards.

01:25:55.000 Neither way is good.

01:25:56.000 Neither way is good. 1.00

01:25:56.000 But he would have killed those girls in the front. 1.00

01:25:59.000 You can break things. 0.99

01:26:00.000 I was watching those women when you were doing some of those bits, and they couldn't fucking help but laugh. 1.00

01:26:08.000 You know, when you did the last bit? 0.93

01:26:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:12.000 I love watching people who can't help laugh, even though they think...

01:26:17.000 I've seen people shake their head and laugh.

01:26:19.000 I go, no, you can't disapprove and laugh.

01:26:21.000 Well, it's hard when you're out with co-workers.

01:26:23.000 Yeah.

01:26:23.000 Because you don't want those other ladies in your office to have...

01:26:26.000 You know, like, you're all on the corporate ladder together.

01:26:29.000 You don't want them to have dirt on you.

01:26:32.000 Yeah, we went there, and you see this one. 1.00

01:26:33.000 Every fucking blowjob joke, she's laughing her ass off. 1.00

01:26:36.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 1.00

01:26:37.000 But before you came in, I asked them something that you really shouldn't ask women. 1.00

01:26:41.000 I said, which one of you ladies do you think is the hottest? 1.00

01:26:46.000 And also the least hot.

01:26:49.000 And then one of them was their boss.

01:26:50.000 They go, leave her out of it then.

01:26:52.000 She's the boss. 0.99

01:26:53.000 But just like, I mean, obviously one of you is in a different league than the others.

01:26:56.000 I mean, I can see... 0.94

01:26:58.000 And they were, like, fucking laughing, and each one of them was thinking, I wonder if it's me, you know? 0.99

01:27:02.000 Wow, that's funny. 0.99

01:27:05.000 Yeah.

01:27:05.000 Yeah, I think they liked you, Dom Herrera.

01:27:07.000 I love fucking with people. 1.00

01:27:08.000 I love, like, uh... 1.00

01:27:09.000 Interacting.

01:27:10.000 Yeah.

01:27:11.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:27:12.000 We're doing a show, Joe, and if you ever want to come in, I don't want to be a fucking plug machine, but it's going to be called Bustin' Balls with Dom Herrera. 0.92

01:27:20.000 And we encourage interaction with the crowd. 0.93

01:27:23.000 You know how they say no talking during the show? 0.99

01:27:25.000 I want you to fucking talk. 1.00

01:27:26.000 I want you to break balls. 1.00

01:27:28.000 Really? 1.00

01:27:29.000 Yeah, and then we'll have also an interview and we can bust each other's balls or we can be fucking goofy, you know. 0.96

01:27:34.000 So it's essentially not heckling because you're actually encouraging the interaction. 0.97

01:27:38.000 Right.

01:27:39.000 It's not heckling, yeah.

01:27:39.000 So it's not like a regular comedy show.

01:27:41.000 No.

01:27:42.000 That's going to confuse the shit out of your regular comedy club, people. 0.90

01:27:45.000 Well, but I'll say it at the beginning, you know? 0.53

01:27:47.000 But then they're going to want that kind of Dom Herrera action. 0.99

01:27:50.000 They're going to want that spontaneous shit. 1.00

01:27:53.000 I don't mind. 1.00

01:27:54.000 You don't mind, do you?

01:27:55.000 I don't like when bits get interrupted.

01:27:58.000 I don't mind talking to people.

01:28:00.000 Yeah, that's what I mean.

01:28:01.000 I love talking to people.

01:28:01.000 Well, you don't get interrupted.

01:28:02.000 Sometimes.

01:28:04.000 Sometimes you do.

01:28:05.000 You know, there's drunks, man.

01:28:06.000 Yeah, well, that's part of our business.

01:28:08.000 And they also want to, like, have an interaction with you.

01:28:12.000 You ever have people call out your bits?

01:28:13.000 Like, you're not doing enough?

01:28:15.000 You ever have that?

01:28:16.000 Yeah, they'll say, do that.

01:28:17.000 You know, you can't... 1.00

01:28:19.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:28:20.000 It's really hard to do a bit when someone asks. 1.00

01:28:22.000 You can do it.

01:28:23.000 Because it's so unspontaneous.

01:28:24.000 It's also really hard to do a bit when you know that they already know it.

01:28:27.000 Yeah.

01:28:28.000 It's like, you know, it's not the same as a song.

01:28:30.000 Yeah.

01:28:31.000 It's weird because it was for Dice.

01:28:33.000 Right?

01:28:34.000 You know, when Dice was at his peak, that's one of the things, is everybody would, like, say the joke with him. 1.00

01:28:39.000 What's in the bowl, bitch? 1.00

01:28:41.000 Yeah, well, you can also, his audience. 1.00

01:28:44.000 Those inferior humans that I am a part of.

01:28:48.000 I was probably in the audience.

01:28:50.000 I went to see Dice in Vegas.

01:28:52.000 I had a good old time.

01:28:52.000 So he tried to badmouth me on the show?

01:28:54.000 No, he didn't badmouth me.

01:28:55.000 And you were covering for me, you and Eleanor?

01:28:57.000 I hear things.

01:28:59.000 Listen, you guys gotta hug it out.

01:29:01.000 We hug it out as two old school gangsters.

01:29:04.000 We were friends at one time.

01:29:06.000 Yeah, I know you were.

01:29:07.000 Yeah.

01:29:09.000 He's a good guy.

01:29:10.000 He's not a good guy.

01:29:11.000 I like him.

01:29:11.000 Joe, he's not a good guy.

01:29:12.000 He's a good guy to me.

01:29:13.000 He's a good guy to you.

01:29:14.000 He's not a good guy.

01:29:15.000 I'm a good guy.

01:29:16.000 You're a great guy.

01:29:17.000 I'm good to people.

01:29:18.000 You're a great guy.

01:29:19.000 If I had to choose between the two of you, I'd take you.

01:29:22.000 Me too.

01:29:23.000 You guys are all getting in trouble now.

01:29:25.000 Why?

01:29:27.000 I love Dice.

01:29:28.000 I do.

01:29:28.000 I just wish that Dice and Dom Herrera has been my friend, my good friend since like 1990. I love Dice.

01:29:35.000 I'm a huge fan of his.

01:29:37.000 I grew up being inspired by Dice.

01:29:40.000 But I like Dom better. 0.99

01:29:41.000 If you had to have sex with one of them. 0.99

01:29:42.000 I'm not just saying that. 0.97

01:29:43.000 But it's just because Dom is my very good friend.

01:29:46.000 I mean, Dom and I play pool every week.

01:29:47.000 I can't go without Dom. 0.98

01:29:48.000 Yeah, if you had to have sex with Dom or Andy. 1.00

01:29:51.000 Andy Dick? 1.00

01:29:52.000 Andrew.

01:29:53.000 Dice Clack? 0.55

01:29:53.000 Yeah. 0.55

01:29:54.000 Oh, Dice is much harder than me.

01:29:56.000 Beautiful.

01:29:57.000 Yeah, but you're probably softer and cleaner.

01:29:58.000 Probably more of a challenge to hold Dice down.

01:30:00.000 Yeah.

01:30:01.000 I think you'd be cleaner. 0.98

01:30:02.000 Oh, that's what you consider sex? 0.61

01:30:05.000 Well, for me, it's got to be some sport in it. 1.00

01:30:07.000 I don't want to be fucking a dude. 0.98

01:30:08.000 It's got to be a bit of a struggle, I think. 0.99

01:30:11.000 I couldn't do it. 0.99

01:30:12.000 I couldn't get a hard on seeing a hairy ass. 1.00

01:30:14.000 You say that, but what if that became your thing? 0.99

01:30:17.000 How's it going to become my thing? 0.96

01:30:18.000 You have this one skyrocket orgasm. 1.00

01:30:21.000 Because, apparently, a big dude like that can really clench down on his ass cheeks. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Hey, anybody getting hungry? 0.99

01:30:29.000 And when you squirt, you squirt like you've never squirted before.

01:30:33.000 And then you just make a decision.

01:30:34.000 You know, you should write poetry, mister.

01:30:37.000 You've got a way with words.

01:30:43.000 You know, I try to get over that karma bit.

01:30:50.000 It's tough for me with the Italian thing.

01:30:52.000 What, him and...

01:30:54.000 No, I just hold grudges, you know.

01:30:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:30:56.000 But I only have three...

01:30:57.000 There's only three comedians I hate.

01:30:58.000 Who are the other two?

01:31:00.000 Craig Shoemaker and Bobby Collins.

01:31:02.000 I can't believe you got that out of me.

01:31:04.000 Boy, you really backed me into a corner.

01:31:07.000 I don't know Shoemaker.

01:31:08.000 I've only met him once. 1.00

01:31:09.000 Fucking asshole. 1.00

01:31:10.000 What's wrong with Shoemaker? 1.00

01:31:13.000 He's just a bragging cunt. 1.00

01:31:16.000 And I said it with all due respect, Joe. 1.00

01:31:18.000 With all due respect?

01:31:19.000 He's just...

01:31:20.000 All right, I'll give you an example.

01:31:21.000 Okay.

01:31:22.000 I'm trying to clean up my karma a couple years ago.

01:31:24.000 They said, do you mind if...

01:31:26.000 I draw pretty well in Atlantic City.

01:31:29.000 So I'm going to do the regatta.

01:31:31.000 And they said, do you mind if Shoemaker opens for you?

01:31:33.000 Now, he was getting $7,500 to open, so you know that I was getting good money, right?

01:31:37.000 So I said, you know what? 1.00

01:31:39.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:31:39.000 Clean up the car. 1.00

01:31:40.000 I'm going to let them open. 0.99

01:31:41.000 That's 45 minutes instead of 25 to fuck me. 0.99

01:31:45.000 And you know what he said at the end? 1.00

01:31:47.000 He goes, I'll never work with you again.

01:31:49.000 And I said, why is that?

01:31:50.000 And I'm thinking, you don't got a chance to work with me again.

01:31:52.000 He goes, because I can't believe you could follow me. 1.00

01:31:55.000 What a fucking ego. 1.00

01:31:56.000 So he was upset? 1.00

01:31:57.000 He was upset because I followed him.

01:31:59.000 He thought he buried me.

01:32:00.000 So was he sort of jokingly praising you? 1.00

01:32:07.000 No, he's such a dick. 0.99

01:32:08.000 He wasn't joking at all. 1.00

01:32:10.000 He just really thought nobody could follow him because he got a standing ovation.

01:32:13.000 So I walked out and I go, a guy opened for me and got a standing ovation.

01:32:16.000 What am I supposed to do, fly around a room?

01:32:19.000 But they were there to see me.

01:32:22.000 It was not hard to borrow.

01:32:24.000 It's really hard to bury someone when people are there to see you.

01:32:26.000 Yeah, I know. 0.99

01:32:27.000 And I didn't even lay into him, like what an asshole he was telling him about the time. 0.99

01:32:32.000 Imagine doing 20 minutes over when you're opening for somebody. 1.00

01:32:35.000 Just take the money and fucking run. 0.99

01:32:37.000 Yeah, why did he do that? 1.00

01:32:37.000 Did you ask him? 1.00

01:32:39.000 No, because I just didn't want to communicate with him. 0.51

01:32:41.000 I didn't want to fucking have a talk out with him because I don't want to be friends with him. 0.90

01:32:44.000 Right. 0.98

01:32:45.000 So that was it.

01:32:46.000 You were trying to clean up your karma.

01:32:48.000 And then I blew it with Bobby Collins. 1.00

01:32:50.000 That fucking dickface. 1.00

01:32:52.000 Do you know him? 1.00

01:32:55.000 Bobby Collins?

01:32:56.000 I don't know him very well.

01:32:58.000 I know him from seeing him around.

01:32:59.000 Joe, he's the exact opposite of you. 0.99

01:33:01.000 He doesn't have a fucking honest bone in his body. 1.00

01:33:03.000 So fucking phony. 1.00

01:33:04.000 He's the kind of guy who... 1.00

01:33:06.000 This guy Frankie, who used to work at the Comedy Connection.

01:33:09.000 Frankie, baby, look at you.

01:33:10.000 You lost weight. 0.99

01:33:11.000 Frankie goes, Dom, I look like I'm going to fucking explode. 1.00

01:33:13.000 I gained 100 pounds and I saw this phony fuck. 1.00

01:33:16.000 But that's the kind of guy he was. 1.00

01:33:17.000 So he demanded to...

01:33:19.000 We were working together at Staten Island. 0.98

01:33:23.000 And I don't give a fuck about going on first. 1.00

01:33:25.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:33:26.000 I just want to get the money, have a good time, get out of there. 0.99

01:33:28.000 And I was supposed to headline the show, and it said it in the contract.

01:33:32.000 So Bobby Collins was throwing a fit about who was going to close the show.

01:33:38.000 What are you watching? 1.00

01:33:39.000 Look at that phony fucking smile. 0.99

01:33:42.000 Hi, guys. 1.00

01:33:42.000 I'm a white boon. 1.00

01:33:44.000 So anyway, he calls up.

01:33:47.000 He wants to close because he wants to sell merchandise after the show.

01:33:49.000 Okay.

01:33:50.000 So the producer calls me.

01:33:52.000 They say, call Don.

01:33:53.000 He's a good guy. 1.00

01:33:54.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:33:54.000 He doesn't care. 1.00

01:33:55.000 So she calls me and she goes, you know, do you mind if he closes?

01:33:58.000 I go, look, I'm a headliner.

01:33:59.000 I headline.

01:34:00.000 You see what it says on the contract?

01:34:02.000 She goes, oh, I understand.

01:34:02.000 You're right.

01:34:03.000 I go, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:34:04.000 I'm kidding you. 0.99

01:34:04.000 I said, I'll do a meet and greet at the beginning and then get out of there. 0.99

01:34:07.000 I don't care.

01:34:08.000 They're going to pay me.

01:34:09.000 I'll do my best.

01:34:10.000 Anyway, after that, a month later, Mike Ivey, my friend, my black friend from Mississippi, told me, you know, Nicky, I love you, brother.

01:34:17.000 And he goes...

01:34:18.000 Nicky, I gotta ask you a question.

01:34:20.000 Were you opening for Bobby Collins in Staten Island?

01:34:23.000 I go, Mike, what do you think?

01:34:24.000 Right?

01:34:25.000 So he goes, no.

01:34:27.000 I said, well, it's not even worth talking about.

01:34:29.000 So anyway, I see Bobby at the comedy store. 1.00

01:34:30.000 I go, Bobby, you're fucking pathetic. 1.00

01:34:34.000 Tommy, baby! 1.00

01:34:36.000 I said, you're just pathetic. 1.00

01:34:37.000 And then I walked away and that was it. 1.00

01:34:39.000 So that's so much for cleaning up my karma.

01:34:41.000 This isn't on the air, is it?

01:34:42.000 I don't think so.

01:34:43.000 Okay.

01:34:44.000 Bobby Collins to close the spring 2007 CFA season, the Laughter Arts Festival.

01:34:50.000 What is that?

01:34:51.000 What is the CFA? Uh...

01:34:53.000 College of Staten Island?

01:34:54.000 That's where you guys were?

01:34:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:56.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:34:57.000 This is great. 1.00

01:34:57.000 You can look this shit up. 1.00

01:34:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:59.000 Well, I'm sorry you had those bad experiences with those two guys.

01:35:02.000 But I mean...

01:35:03.000 I bet you ironed it out by just outing them on the radio.

01:35:06.000 Do you ever have guys just come up to you for things you've said on podcasts yet?

01:35:11.000 Because you've been very outspoken with, like, you know...

01:35:14.000 I'm on the edge.

01:35:18.000 You know, but I love most people.

01:35:20.000 Well, you're a very honest guy. 0.99

01:35:21.000 If you tell me, you know, that someone's been a cunt to you, I always believe you. 1.00

01:35:26.000 Yeah, I mean, I would never... 0.99

01:35:28.000 I tried to, like, patch things up, and I was right.

01:35:32.000 I wish I was wrong.

01:35:34.000 You know what I mean?

01:35:34.000 I wish that it worked, but it didn't work out.

01:35:38.000 I mean, you know how many guys...

01:35:39.000 These guys...

01:35:40.000 Oh, did we do the thing about Louis C.K.? The shitty McCuttings? 0.99

01:35:44.000 No, you started it. 0.99

01:35:45.000 Oh, okay.

01:35:46.000 I was just talking about people I love.

01:35:49.000 I don't know what happened.

01:35:50.000 You and Louis and Bill Burr, some of the best comics in the world. 0.99

01:35:55.000 Fucking Taj. 0.96

01:35:57.000 And Louis used to come into Montreal and, okay, so he'd be in the audience. 0.99

01:36:01.000 And the character was Cunty McShitballs, like the grossest. 0.59

01:36:05.000 And so I'd be hosting the show, I'd go, excuse me, I think we got a celebrity in the audience. 0.96

01:36:09.000 And he'd put his hand over his head and go, no, no.

01:36:12.000 I'd go, is that you, Cunty? 1.00

01:36:14.000 Is that you?

01:36:15.000 And he goes, no, no, no. 0.97

01:36:15.000 I said, Cunty McShitballs, everybody. 0.97

01:36:18.000 Everybody, yay! 0.80

01:36:19.000 Because we had plants all over the room.

01:36:22.000 And then he happens to have a guitar by his seat.

01:36:28.000 I go, Connie, how about a song?

01:36:29.000 No, I can't.

01:36:30.000 Connie, Connie.

01:36:32.000 The whole crowd's gone. 1.00

01:36:33.000 Then he comes up and does his fucking song. 1.00

01:36:35.000 We used to cry laughing. 1.00

01:36:36.000 That's hilarious.

01:36:38.000 And I never seen Louie happier.

01:36:40.000 He loved doing the character.

01:36:42.000 Cunty McShit was.

01:36:44.000 I don't know if he had a middle name.

01:36:45.000 You know, I've said this before, I'm going to say it again, but Stanhope said this, and I never have agreed with him more.

01:36:51.000 He goes, I could quit doing comedy, but I couldn't quit hanging out with stand-ups.

01:36:55.000 Yeah.

01:36:56.000 So, just to have that kind of experience, to be able to tell that story.

01:36:59.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

01:37:00.000 It's fucking fun. 0.97

01:37:01.000 And have that actually your job. 0.99

01:37:02.000 That's what you do for work.

01:37:03.000 That's what you do for a living, yeah.

01:37:05.000 I mean, what we did last night.

01:37:06.000 That was our job.

01:37:08.000 Dom and I worked together last night at the Laugh Factory.

01:37:10.000 Right.

01:37:10.000 We worked.

01:37:11.000 We worked.

01:37:11.000 We were hanging out laughing.

01:37:12.000 Yeah, we were just laughing.

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:14.000 And I remember hosting some shows thinking, this is what I do. 0.99

01:37:18.000 You ever hear about the guy who sticks the Roman candle up his ass? 0.98

01:37:22.000 And they light it, and it flares, and they play, and he walks, parades around. 0.99

01:37:27.000 There's no business, like show business.

01:37:29.000 Really?

01:37:30.000 Yeah.

01:37:31.000 Can you look him up?

01:37:33.000 You gotta see this. 0.99

01:37:34.000 It's one of the funniest fucking things. 0.99

01:37:35.000 He lights a Roman candle? 1.00

01:37:37.000 He sticks it in his ass. 1.00

01:37:38.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:37:40.000 He pulls large pieces of furniture out of his ass. 1.00

01:37:43.000 Remember that from Jerky Boys? 1.00

01:37:45.000 I'm also known for pulling large pieces of furniture.

01:37:48.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

01:37:48.000 My shoes.

01:37:50.000 That's right.

01:37:51.000 So I'll have them. 0.96

01:37:52.000 Dude, I listened to some Jerky Boys the other day, and it was fucking hilarious. 1.00

01:37:56.000 I forgot how funny some of their shit was. 0.99

01:37:58.000 How did those guys stop doing that? 0.99

01:38:00.000 What happened?

01:38:01.000 They were so good.

01:38:03.000 Because the rules changed with telephone calls and people.

01:38:07.000 Remember, then they changed it where you can only do it in Vegas.

01:38:09.000 You can only do it in Nevada, like make prank calls.

01:38:12.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:38:13.000 All kinds of legal shit. 0.99

01:38:15.000 Plus, people started getting on to it because they were becoming famous. 0.99

01:38:19.000 Right.

01:38:20.000 That's why I wonder with the Impractical Jokers.

01:38:22.000 You ever see that show?

01:38:23.000 I haven't seen that.

01:38:24.000 Check it out. 0.97

01:38:25.000 It's really fucking funny. 0.96

01:38:26.000 Yeah, excellent. 0.99

01:38:27.000 Did you hear about those Practical Jokers that the women committed suicide?

01:38:31.000 Yeah, in Australia.

01:38:33.000 What happened?

01:38:34.000 Do you know the whole story?

01:38:35.000 Yeah, so there was a hospital.

01:38:37.000 Who was there?

01:38:39.000 The queen? 1.00

01:38:40.000 The princess or whatever the fuck her name is. 1.00

01:38:43.000 Princess Peach was at the hospital. 1.00

01:38:45.000 The duchess.

01:38:45.000 Whatever.

01:38:46.000 Some royalty was there.

01:38:48.000 Yeah, and so this radio station had this prank where they're going to act like the mom, so I guess the queen, and they were trying to call her.

01:38:56.000 And so the operator, they called up and they were like, I'd like to speak to my daughter or whatever.

01:39:01.000 And the operator just led her through.

01:39:02.000 Like, oh, yes, one second, please.

01:39:04.000 Instead of like, you know, like...

01:39:05.000 How do I know this is the right person?

01:39:07.000 And stuff like that.

01:39:08.000 And then they did this prank on the radio station and I guess it's because of the royalty.

01:39:14.000 She felt like she betrayed the crown and she killed herself.

01:39:19.000 My granddaughter Kate.

01:39:21.000 Is my granddaughter Kate there, please?

01:39:24.000 Or she was murdered.

01:39:25.000 That's what they said.

01:39:26.000 The people on the phone really did immediately give up information about her.

01:39:32.000 About her condition.

01:39:33.000 They started just rattling off the information.

01:39:36.000 They didn't double check at all.

01:39:37.000 They weren't even remotely suspicious. 0.69

01:39:39.000 Talk about fucking up your day, though.

01:39:40.000 Everybody loses.

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:43.000 The girl's dead.

01:39:46.000 The hospital securities question now, and these people lose their jobs.

01:39:51.000 They just meant to get a laugh.

01:39:54.000 Yeah, Morrissey is really interesting.

01:39:56.000 Morrissey, the singer, he's blaming Kate Middleton for the death.

01:40:03.000 Because he's saying the arrogance of the British royals is staggering, and that's why it's allowed, I really don't know.

01:40:10.000 So he's saying that The recent story about the nurse killing herself, there's no blame placed on Kate Middleton, who is at the hospital for, as far as I can see, no reason.

01:40:23.000 She feels no shame about the death of this woman.

01:40:26.000 She's saying nothing about the death of this poor woman. 1.00

01:40:29.000 Boy, Morrissey needs a fucking hug. 1.00

01:40:33.000 What a depressed guy. 1.00

01:40:35.000 How does he know what another person feels?

01:40:38.000 How can he say, like, she feels nothing?

01:40:41.000 How can you really say that?

01:40:44.000 What does someone say when someone commits suicide over a prank like that?

01:40:48.000 You can't say she feels no shame.

01:40:51.000 She's saying nothing.

01:40:52.000 Is she supposed to say something publicly about that?

01:40:55.000 I mean, what obligations do you have?

01:40:58.000 She has nothing to do with it.

01:40:59.000 Yeah, she has nothing to do with it.

01:41:00.000 What obligations does she have to comment on something that's obviously a horrific thing? 0.98

01:41:05.000 And, you know, to blame her, that's so ridiculous. 0.99

01:41:10.000 Silly Morrissey. 0.99

01:41:12.000 The idea of the royal family is crazy, though. 1.00

01:41:15.000 The fact that we give a fuck. 1.00

01:41:16.000 CNN had it on. 0.99

01:41:18.000 It was the problems in Gaza, okay?

01:41:20.000 CNN was talking about the dangers of Gaza. 0.99

01:41:22.000 Showed like some night vision with a bomb going off and shit like that. 1.00

01:41:25.000 And then they said, and, you know, Royal Kate, whatever the fuck her name is, is pregnant. 1.00

01:41:30.000 There will be another baby, a royal baby. 0.99

01:41:34.000 Right next to it.

01:41:35.000 Yeah, I know.

01:41:36.000 And it stands, because it sells.

01:41:38.000 But it's on CNN. It's crazy.

01:41:41.000 Joe, I was in Canada, and when the Queen Mother died at 102, I had a bit about her, you know, about, you know, she looked at 101, this whole thing.

01:41:50.000 She died on a treadmill, her thing. 1.00

01:41:52.000 But when I did it in Montreal, it got an applause.

01:41:56.000 It's interesting how people react to royalty.

01:41:59.000 When I did it in Ottawa, which is more mixed, Montreal is mostly French, French and English, but they're not under the auspices of the crown by any stretch.

01:42:09.000 Ottawa, A little bit, you know, a laugh, a little mild applause.

01:42:13.000 Toronto, nothing.

01:42:15.000 Nothing. 1.00

01:42:16.000 Not a fucking sound. 0.99

01:42:17.000 Really? 1.00

01:42:18.000 Yeah, an American would have the arrogance to come up and do something against the Queen.

01:42:23.000 Isn't that funny? 0.99

01:42:24.000 Like the same fucking joke, just a couple A hundred miles west, boom, nothing. 0.99

01:42:28.000 It's very weird when you see people that are really, like, taken into the royal family thing. 0.99

01:42:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:42:35.000 The royals, like, leave the royals alone.

01:42:36.000 Oh, they live their lives.

01:42:37.000 They read about them, like, as if their thoughts are more important and...

01:42:41.000 Yeah, I was making fun of the Queen when I was in England one time.

01:42:46.000 I forget which town we were in, but it wasn't like London.

01:42:50.000 London, they probably would have laughed their asses off, but these people were like, what?

01:42:53.000 Oh my goodness!

01:42:56.000 I don't remember what town it was.

01:42:57.000 It wasn't Manchester.

01:42:58.000 Maybe it was Newcastle?

01:42:59.000 Maybe it was Newcastle.

01:43:00.000 Anyway, wherever I was, I had this whole bit about how people try to pretend that Like, that this queen, this woman, was like, really like a queen.

01:43:14.000 Like, you know, that Princess Diana really was actually a princess.

01:43:17.000 Like, no, that's just a person.

01:43:18.000 Like, and she's a woman who didn't even have a job. 1.00

01:43:21.000 And, you know, and she had a woman with children who tried to kill herself like three times.

01:43:26.000 You know, and I'm like, how many people would be in that same position?

01:43:30.000 And be incredibly fortunate and feel so happy that they have all this money.

01:43:34.000 How many poor people would love to be in a great position of wealth?

01:43:38.000 And she was like, oh no, the tea is cold, the crumpets are stale, where's the razor?

01:43:44.000 I cannot possibly go on.

01:43:47.000 The tabloid showed a photo of my backside.

01:43:50.000 Quickly drain the pool. 0.94

01:43:51.000 I will die from the roof.

01:43:53.000 This is horrid. 0.73

01:43:55.000 Horrid.

01:43:56.000 Life cannot go on. 1.00

01:43:56.000 And I had a whole series of those fucking things. 1.00

01:43:58.000 And they didn't know how to react. 0.99

01:44:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:01.000 You could see people like, oh, oh, oh.

01:44:04.000 Well, it's because you're American, too.

01:44:05.000 But they went with it.

01:44:06.000 They went with it eventually.

01:44:07.000 Eventually, I beat them down with it.

01:44:10.000 It's just like, come on. 0.98

01:44:11.000 It sucks when everybody dies. 0.96

01:44:13.000 You don't need royals. 0.97

01:44:14.000 You don't need the ancestors of the people who suppressed your ancestors and give them some special favors.

01:44:19.000 This is crazy. 1.00

01:44:21.000 But they're holding on to that shit somehow or another. 1.00

01:44:24.000 And they've gone from being these horrible dictators, which they used to be, to these weird sort of benevolent people who wave and hold some strange position of like a social example. 0.99

01:44:38.000 You know, example of the perfect etiquette, the perfect behavior.

01:44:41.000 Yeah, I mean, at least the Pope was elected.

01:44:44.000 Yeah.

01:44:44.000 Not that, you know, not that his wealth shouldn't be in question, too, but they were just born into it.

01:44:49.000 It's craziness.

01:44:50.000 And then marrying into it is even more hilarious.

01:44:52.000 They're almost like she's a princess. 0.99

01:44:54.000 It's fucking nuts, and everybody's following it. 1.00

01:44:56.000 I mean, it's, like, so dumb. 1.00

01:44:58.000 Who was the one that gave up the crown because he wanted to marry somebody? 0.99

01:45:04.000 Remember that one of the guys gave up the crown? 1.00

01:45:06.000 Can you imagine how fucking hot that bitch was in bed to give up the fucking crown? 1.00

01:45:11.000 Yeah, well, I bet in England, like, being a royal is... 1.00

01:45:14.000 What do you think is better, though, in England or, like, in, like, Saudi Arabia or something like that, like a Middle Eastern country?

01:45:21.000 You say that, though, but those Saudi Arabian guys rock it way better. 1.00

01:45:25.000 The Middle Eastern guys, they rock it the right way. 1.00

01:45:28.000 When they want to go balls out, they pay girls hundreds of thousands of dollars to be sex slaves. 1.00

01:45:36.000 Yeah, I would say that's more fun, definitely. 0.98

01:45:38.000 Because you're not judged as much.

01:45:40.000 Nobody is rocking it like those young, chic dudes that have those, like that one guy, the Sultan of Bunei.

01:45:48.000 That guy, who's the guy that has like the famous parties where he will fly out like the hottest women. 0.99

01:45:54.000 Apparently it was like a dirty secret for the longest time. 0.67

01:45:57.000 Pre-internet, he would get like all the hottest penthouse pets and actresses and shit that like, you know, weren't doing so well. 0.69

01:46:04.000 Because you could go over there and you could make like an insane amount of money. 0.91

01:46:07.000 She's not doing so well.

01:46:07.000 Give her a call.

01:46:08.000 Yeah.

01:46:08.000 And I'm not joking.

01:46:09.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:46:10.000 I did a gig with those guys and they fucking sent me a watch that was worth like 20 grand. 0.99

01:46:15.000 Like ridiculous. 0.99

01:46:16.000 And they were asking me about Italian bitch, which is so fucking funny, from Saudis, that they knew, like, Joey Bag of Donuts. 1.00

01:46:22.000 That's funny. 1.00

01:46:22.000 All this old shit, yeah. 1.00

01:46:23.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:46:25.000 Those guys have so much money that this guy, the Salt No Brunei, apparently has a disco in his house.

01:46:30.000 Makes his own disco, which is beautiful, unbelievably lavishly appointed disco.

01:46:35.000 Gold, gilded work on the ceiling.

01:46:38.000 Just magnificent.

01:46:39.000 And just filled with tens.

01:46:42.000 Just tens everywhere.

01:46:44.000 And this guy just goes out there and slides amongst them, has a cocktail, mingles, mixes with the next group.

01:46:50.000 And they're all trying to impress him.

01:46:51.000 And they're all trying to compete.

01:46:53.000 And it was him and a few of his friends, I guess. 1.00

01:46:55.000 And he just fucking bang them. 0.99

01:46:57.000 Just woof, every night. 1.00

01:46:58.000 And every night...

01:47:00.000 He's fishing in this stock pond.

01:47:03.000 Nobody's ever been such a baller.

01:47:06.000 Because he's not actually enslaving anybody.

01:47:09.000 He's paying them significant amounts of money.

01:47:11.000 He's not corrupting their morals.

01:47:13.000 They're willing to do this.

01:47:14.000 There's nothing wrong with the exchange. 0.84

01:47:17.000 Because the amount of money they're making is really fucking staggering.

01:47:20.000 But when you really stop and think about how many guys have ever done it like that, the Sultan of Brunei is probably doing it the nicest way ever. 0.94

01:47:27.000 Everybody else who did it, they did it with armies. 0.99

01:47:30.000 Every other guy that's lived like that, they did it with swords and conquering towns and keeping chicks in cages and shit. 1.00

01:47:38.000 This guy just pays stupid amounts of money based on oil money. 0.99

01:47:42.000 That sounds like fun. 1.00

01:47:44.000 I think Prince Charles is kind of sad because He's at the point now where he's like, he loves his mother, but, you know, Mom, could you die already?

01:47:52.000 So I could be King Charles?

01:47:53.000 Would you like to be King before I'm 70?

01:47:55.000 Do you think? 0.99

01:47:55.000 If she lives to 100, you know, what the fuck's gonna happen to him? 0.99

01:47:59.000 Yeah, she might outlive him. 0.98

01:48:00.000 Yeah.

01:48:01.000 It's possible.

01:48:02.000 Oh, sure.

01:48:03.000 You know, who's under more stress?

01:48:05.000 You know, she's probably just nice and slow all day. 1.00

01:48:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:07.000 He's running around, doing shit. 1.00

01:48:09.000 Trying to fucking make ends meet. 1.00

01:48:11.000 Trying to put food on the table. 0.99

01:48:12.000 That poor prince.

01:48:14.000 What does that guy do all day?

01:48:16.000 Prince Charles.

01:48:16.000 Being a prince?

01:48:17.000 I don't know.

01:48:17.000 Anal.

01:48:18.000 Just go play snooker. 1.00

01:48:19.000 Did you say anal? 0.99

01:48:20.000 Did you look something up? 0.99

01:48:22.000 Yeah, I was looking at buttholes and fireworks and I just got really lost.

01:48:26.000 And I found an old article from 91 where you were with Ellen doing comedy in Miami or something like that.

01:48:33.000 Did you ever bang her?

01:48:35.000 Ellen DeGeneres?

01:48:35.000 Yeah.

01:48:36.000 Oh! 0.99

01:48:36.000 Hey, talk to this retard. 0.99

01:48:38.000 I gotta take a leak. 0.99

01:48:39.000 No, I never banged Ellen.

01:48:40.000 No?

01:48:40.000 I love Ellen, though.

01:48:41.000 I know.

01:48:42.000 No, I worked with her. 0.87

01:48:43.000 I worked with her in Miami, too?

01:48:44.000 It was something.

01:48:45.000 It looks like it was 91 that you worked with her.

01:48:49.000 I know I worked with her at Caesars Atlantic City.

01:48:52.000 92 for HBO One Night Stand, maybe?

01:48:55.000 Oh, okay.

01:48:56.000 Okay.

01:48:57.000 Geez, I didn't remember what Ellen did. 0.97

01:48:58.000 I mean, I know she did one, but I didn't know she did it the same night as me.

01:49:02.000 Maybe she did. 0.93

01:49:03.000 But great stand-up, Ellen.

01:49:05.000 Yeah, did you ever know anyone that dated her?

01:49:08.000 Or was she always kind of like a lesbian into the comedy? 0.99

01:49:11.000 I didn't know, you know, I didn't know she was lesbian, but I certainly approve of it.

01:49:16.000 Yeah.

01:49:16.000 Who was your gang, like, you know, when you were starting out?

01:49:20.000 Shecky Green, Bob Hope.

01:49:22.000 Bob Hope, really?

01:49:23.000 No.

01:49:24.000 Oh, come on. 1.00

01:49:24.000 Not that fucking old. 1.00

01:49:25.000 Who is my gang? 0.99

01:49:27.000 Well, at the comic strip, it was like Seinfeld and Paul Reiser and Mark Schiff and these guys.

01:49:36.000 And at the improv, it was John Mendoza, Carol Siskind.

01:49:41.000 I don't know if you know those guys, but they were good friends.

01:49:44.000 And...

01:49:46.000 I would say Jerry was the most famous that came out of that generation.

01:49:49.000 He was a little bit before me.

01:49:51.000 I was acting still, and Jerry was a stand-up already.

01:49:55.000 I paid to see Don Marrero before I ever did comedy.

01:49:58.000 Really?

01:49:58.000 Yeah.

01:49:59.000 If I had done comedy, I'd only done it maybe once or twice.

01:50:04.000 That's awesome.

01:50:04.000 Knicks, right?

01:50:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:06.000 How funny was that place, Joe?

01:50:08.000 Not only did I pay to see Dom Herrera at Knicks, I paid two nights in a row because Dom couldn't make him one night and his plane was like delayed or something like that.

01:50:16.000 And Dennis Leary went up.

01:50:17.000 And that's how I found out about Dennis Leary.

01:50:20.000 And Dennis Lear became my favorite comedian for six months.

01:50:24.000 We had some good shows there.

01:50:26.000 Before we were ever friends.

01:50:28.000 Yeah, that place is a classic place.

01:50:30.000 So these people, did they get fired or did they quit?

01:50:35.000 They said that they were going to leave the radio show until a ship blows over.

01:50:43.000 It's a tough place to rebound to because it's such a small country.

01:50:46.000 Not in size, but in population.

01:50:47.000 I don't think you can blame them.

01:50:49.000 I don't think you can blame them.

01:50:50.000 The guy, they're just trying to be funny.

01:50:52.000 Who would have thought that somebody would kill themselves? 0.91

01:50:54.000 Yeah, they thought that they would have a conversation with somebody and it would be silly.

01:50:58.000 I mean, they've done that before with other people.

01:51:00.000 They did one of those with Sarah Palin.

01:51:02.000 Remember those Canadian guys?

01:51:03.000 They called and they trolled Sarah Palin. 0.87

01:51:05.000 Yeah, nobody killed anybody, and so they were okay, but this is not okay because the lady kills herself? 0.99

01:51:11.000 That's craziness, man.

01:51:12.000 You can't blame these people.

01:51:14.000 You can say, hey, you shouldn't do prank calls anymore, but I don't think these people should even be fired.

01:51:19.000 What they did was not a bad thing. 0.75

01:51:21.000 It was a silly thing, but it's not a bad thing.

01:51:24.000 The woman was in the hospital because she wasn't feeling well. 0.98

01:51:27.000 It wasn't like there had been some horrible accident, and they were keeping medical attention from her that was going to save her life.

01:51:33.000 It led to her death.

01:51:34.000 There was no obstruction of health services. 0.93

01:51:37.000 It was just a silly thing. 1.00

01:51:39.000 You can't blame these people for a fucking silly thing. 1.00

01:51:41.000 No, I agree. 1.00

01:51:41.000 I mean, you don't know it's going to backfire that much. 1.00

01:51:43.000 It's a bunch of pussies, but Morrissey, ugh. 0.99

01:51:46.000 How annoying must that guy be? 0.99

01:51:48.000 Apparently Morrissey is a super vegan, and not only is he a vegetarian, but he won't let anyone on his crew eat any animals either.

01:51:57.000 So the crew guys will get together, they'll meet in one guy's room, and they order a bunch of burgers for room service, and they hide, and one guy watches the door.

01:52:05.000 I'm not bullshitting.

01:52:06.000 He's coming!

01:52:06.000 And I'm not bullshitting.

01:52:08.000 And they have to have a fucking backup plan if Morrissey comes and finds him in their room. 0.99

01:52:12.000 I love the honey bit, by the way. 0.99

01:52:14.000 That's great.

01:52:16.000 Never thought of that.

01:52:17.000 Never thought of that.

01:52:18.000 Yeah.

01:52:19.000 Vegans aren't supposed to eat honey. 1.00

01:52:20.000 They're silly bitches. 1.00

01:52:21.000 Now I'm sorry that I mentioned those guys' names because you said it. 1.00

01:52:24.000 I forget how powerful this show is.

01:52:26.000 Now everybody's going to know who they are.

01:52:27.000 Oh, well.

01:52:29.000 Made them more famous.

01:52:30.000 Oh, well.

01:52:31.000 Oh, boy. 1.00

01:52:32.000 Do you have any response to Dom Herrera calling you a cunt? 1.00

01:52:36.000 Tom and I, we just need to get a kid on the phone together. 1.00

01:52:38.000 Come on, he's kidding. 0.99

01:52:40.000 We bust balls. 0.98

01:52:41.000 Hey, I was kidding. 0.99

01:52:42.000 We bust balls. 0.99

01:52:43.000 I was speaking of busting balls. 0.98

01:52:45.000 I was listening to, did you listen to, have you been listening to ONA at all? 0.87

01:52:49.000 Uh, no, because I only have satellite in my old car.

01:52:53.000 Oh, you gotta get it.

01:52:55.000 I have a tape deck of mine.

01:52:57.000 Why don't you get it in your new car?

01:52:58.000 Is your new car satellite ready?

01:53:00.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:53:01.000 Just order it up, bitch. 1.00

01:53:02.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:53:03.000 Dude, it's really funny lately. 1.00

01:53:05.000 Well, it's always funny, but lately they had on Joe Piscopo.

01:53:08.000 Oh, wow. 0.94

01:53:09.000 And they were busting Joe Piscopo's balls on the air. 1.00

01:53:13.000 It was fucking... 0.99

01:53:13.000 About what? 0.99

01:53:14.000 The muscle man thing? 1.00

01:53:15.000 Well, what they did was they played some shit. 0.96

01:53:18.000 from like the 1990s when he was in love with this girl and he had like some show and like he sang for her like he really sang to her and now apparently 20 years later they've got restraining orders against each other For domestic abuse, 0.99

01:53:38.000 they both have restraining orders against each other.

01:53:41.000 That simplifies it.

01:53:45.000 Joe Piscopo became this weird sort of a caricature of who he used to make fun of.

01:53:51.000 Like that whole, I'm from Jersey?

01:53:53.000 Well, now it's really weird.

01:53:56.000 It's become that?

01:53:57.000 Yeah, and he does these Joe Piscopo shows, his live shows places, and he fills up these really small places.

01:54:03.000 You know, kind of scratching by.

01:54:05.000 Right, right. 0.98

01:54:06.000 And it's weird, like, hearing him get fucked with by Opie and Anthony was, like, really painful. 0.96

01:54:11.000 Why would he do this show? 0.95

01:54:12.000 Because it gets people paying attention to them, and people go see him.

01:54:15.000 Look, even as a goof, I mean, look, I would go see it.

01:54:19.000 If I knew he was going to be in town, I would go see it.

01:54:21.000 I would go see it even if I didn't...

01:54:22.000 I will go see a lot of things that I'm pretty sure are going to suck, you know, if it's going to be an experience.

01:54:29.000 Comedically, though, you could sit through it?

01:54:31.000 I don't think it's comedy.

01:54:33.000 I think he's, like, singing.

01:54:34.000 I think he's, like, singing songs.

01:54:35.000 I don't really think he's doing comedy. 0.95

01:54:38.000 I think he's doing, like, a lot of Sinatra songs and shit like that. 0.64

01:54:41.000 Well, he never really did stand-up. 0.85

01:54:42.000 He did character kind of impressions of the sportscaster.

01:54:46.000 Dom, I'm an entertainer.

01:54:47.000 I'm an entertainer, Dom.

01:54:48.000 I'm a triple threat.

01:54:49.000 But having him...

01:54:50.000 Oh, he does Sinatra.

01:54:51.000 He does Sinatra.

01:54:52.000 Who else does he do there?

01:54:54.000 The artist.

01:54:55.000 The comedian.

01:54:55.000 What does it say?

01:54:56.000 The comedian.

01:54:57.000 The performer.

01:54:58.000 Is that his website?

01:54:58.000 From Bruce Springsteen to Sinatra...

01:55:01.000 Joe will take you in the audience on a thrill ride through a memory lane full of surprises.

01:55:06.000 Facing your seatbelts, folks. 0.99

01:55:08.000 I think he's mostly doing impressions and shit. 0.99

01:55:10.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. 0.98

01:55:12.000 It's like an entertaining show.

01:55:14.000 Look at him there.

01:55:15.000 Don't mind me.

01:55:15.000 I'm over here.

01:55:16.000 If you don't want to subscribe to Sirius, I'm sure you can listen to some of the clips online.

01:55:21.000 People take them, fans do, and they put them on YouTube.

01:55:25.000 Is our show still on here?

01:55:26.000 What's that?

01:55:27.000 Is this podcast on here?

01:55:28.000 Oh yeah, all the time, man.

01:55:29.000 Every weekend.

01:55:29.000 He was one of the reasons I started doing stand-up.

01:55:31.000 That's hilarious.

01:55:32.000 Because he was so bad.

01:55:33.000 No, I was getting hired for Saturday Night Live.

01:55:36.000 Because Eddie Murphy liked Joe.

01:55:38.000 The only two people they kept.

01:55:39.000 I got hired by Saturday Night Live, but they changed producers.

01:55:43.000 And Eddie Murphy liked Joe.

01:55:44.000 They were friends.

01:55:46.000 And they kept Joe because of Eddie.

01:55:48.000 And Joe was fine on the show. 1.00

01:55:50.000 I don't mean to put him down, but I thought to myself, fuck this. 0.99

01:55:53.000 I can do that. 0.99

01:55:54.000 I can do stand-up. 1.00

01:55:56.000 I became a stand-up because I didn't want to deal with the fucking agents and shit and politics. 0.99

01:56:02.000 What year was this? 1.00

01:56:03.000 1980. Wow, so that's when you started stand-up.

01:56:05.000 Yeah, I passed through the improv.

01:56:08.000 And see, I passed right away because I was already a polished performer, not to be a jerk, but I had done so much acting and improv that stand-up, I was really okay, I just had no act.

01:56:19.000 And I couldn't understand how stand-ups had to repeat themselves to hone it.

01:56:22.000 That was the tough part for me, you know?

01:56:24.000 So Piscopone never did stand-up.

01:56:27.000 Yeah, he did.

01:56:27.000 Did he?

01:56:28.000 But he used to do this thing where he'd come in and, like, you know, you could see right through it.

01:56:31.000 And there you go, hey, everybody, I just stopped in to say hello.

01:56:35.000 Right?

01:56:35.000 And they'd be clapping.

01:56:36.000 You know, like, in other words, I'm saying hello, which is good enough.

01:56:38.000 Now, if I happen to be funny, Great, but don't expect me to be funny because I'm on Saturday Night Live.

01:56:43.000 Oh, so that's what he would say?

01:56:45.000 Yeah, he just stopped him to say hello.

01:56:46.000 When he was really famous?

01:56:47.000 How famous was he at one point in time?

01:56:49.000 He was really famous, right?

01:56:49.000 Well, he was famous enough to be on Saturday Night Live, you know, that he was a pretty big name.

01:56:53.000 Well, I know who he is.

01:56:54.000 I mean, I knew who he is when I was in high school, so he must have been really famous.

01:56:58.000 That was 80?

01:56:58.000 Is that what that was?

01:56:59.000 That was from 80 on.

01:57:01.000 That was a few years after that.

01:57:03.000 I don't remember what happened to him after that.

01:57:05.000 He's always a nice guy.

01:57:06.000 I don't think stand-up was his thing.

01:57:10.000 Listening to ONA tear him apart was so brutal.

01:57:14.000 He's from a different era.

01:57:16.000 He's more Sinatraa era.

01:57:19.000 Even though he's younger than that.

01:57:21.000 Reading his tweets about it.

01:57:23.000 Trying to justify it.

01:57:26.000 He sacrifices himself.

01:57:29.000 So that he can get that attention, but that is really the only attention that he's getting, really, if you stop and think about it.

01:57:34.000 Without that kind of stuff, without Opie and Anthony, they really are helping him out.

01:57:38.000 And Jim Norton actually put it on his tweet, like, go see him.

01:57:42.000 He's such a good guy, Norton.

01:57:43.000 Norton's a sweetie.

01:57:45.000 He's a great guy, he really is. 0.89

01:57:47.000 He's my favorite pervert. 0.92

01:57:48.000 He is. 0.98

01:57:49.000 Because he's so unabashed and unapologetic about it. 0.99

01:57:52.000 When he talks about meaty pussies, you can see his little hands getting sweaty and his body starts squirming. 0.99

01:57:58.000 Getting dumped on. 0.99

01:58:00.000 That even makes me uncomfortable.

01:58:04.000 Yeah, he's not playing it clean. 1.00

01:58:07.000 He's done some wild shit. 0.99

01:58:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:09.000 Literally.

01:58:10.000 I was doing a Jimmy Fallon show about a month ago, and my friend, you know, some people have no tact, and I love Jim, but nobody really wants to look like Jim.

01:58:21.000 Not that anybody wants to look like me either, but she says to the guy who's a The club owner of Governors and Brokerage where I was playing out on the island.

01:58:31.000 She goes, you look like Jim Norton.

01:58:33.000 He goes, no, I don't.

01:58:34.000 She goes, yeah, you do.

01:58:36.000 You remind me of him.

01:58:37.000 I go, Joanne, let it go.

01:58:38.000 Nobody wants it.

01:58:39.000 If you were going to say you look like somebody, you say you look like Tom Hanks or not Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise or whatever.

01:58:44.000 Somebody who's supposed to be good looking.

01:58:46.000 You don't say Jim Norton.

01:58:48.000 How rude.

01:58:49.000 I wouldn't want somebody to say, boy, you look like Don Marrera.

01:58:53.000 You're a spitting image of him.

01:58:54.000 Nice little puffy overweight.

01:58:55.000 I like that look.

01:58:58.000 When you see those pictures of you back in the day, Don Marrera, that video that we had on earlier, does it make you want to go hit that treadmill?

01:59:05.000 Yeah.

01:59:05.000 There's Jim.

01:59:08.000 That was a cover of one of his CDs, I think, or his book.

01:59:12.000 I think his book.

01:59:13.000 Yeah.

01:59:14.000 He's funny.

01:59:15.000 He's hilarious.

01:59:17.000 The problem is I have a deli platter right at the end.

01:59:19.000 Come on.

01:59:20.000 Hey, come on. 0.77

01:59:21.000 You know what?

01:59:22.000 I do exercise.

01:59:23.000 That's the thing.

01:59:25.000 When I go to get my annual treadmill test and all, I'm fine.

01:59:29.000 I'm in great shape.

01:59:31.000 It's just eating and drinking so much.

01:59:33.000 Yeah.

01:59:33.000 You know, in the hours.

01:59:34.000 The comedian lifestyle, my friend.

01:59:37.000 I'm too happy.

01:59:38.000 Yeah, what did Christopher Hitchens say when he got cancer and died?

01:59:42.000 He said he burnt the candle at both ends, but what a lovely glow it made.

01:59:48.000 But I don't burn it at both ends because I get plenty of rest.

01:59:51.000 So that's okay?

01:59:53.000 I'm not saying it's okay, but it's better than not resting, too.

01:59:55.000 Do you take care of your health at all?

01:59:57.000 Do you take vitamins or do you eat healthy?

02:00:00.000 Yeah.

02:00:01.000 Yeah?

02:00:01.000 Yeah, I do.

02:00:02.000 You know what we just read yesterday?

02:00:04.000 That pizza was an anti-carcinogen because the effect...

02:00:09.000 I hope this is true.

02:00:10.000 The effect of the melted cheese on cooked tomatoes was somehow...

02:00:16.000 Like esophagus cancer was like down 50% and a bunch of things, you know, if you can find it, it was great because it's like liberated us.

02:00:25.000 I know there's a nutrient in cooked tomatoes that apparently only, it's only in cooked tomatoes that it has a certain effect.

02:00:36.000 Where is it?

02:00:37.000 Lycopene.

02:00:38.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 You have to cook it to get lycopene.

02:00:42.000 And lycopene is how you turn into a werewolf.

02:00:45.000 Does it sound like it?

02:00:46.000 Lycan?

02:00:47.000 Lycopene?

02:00:47.000 You hear me?

02:00:48.000 You follow me?

02:00:48.000 Like lupus?

02:00:51.000 I don't know.

02:00:53.000 I'm talking about werewolf style.

02:00:56.000 Lycopene is apparently...

02:00:59.000 It reduces the risk of breast, prostate, colon, and other cancers.

02:01:05.000 A powerful antioxidant.

02:01:06.000 Let's get a pie, for Christ's sake.

02:01:08.000 That's why Italians live so long, am I right? 1.00

02:01:10.000 That's right.

02:01:11.000 I'm putting sauce on everything over here.

02:01:13.000 I'm putting sauce on that, a little gravy on this.

02:01:16.000 Take some home with you.

02:01:17.000 I made gobbly guts for you.

02:01:19.000 That's when you know they're legit when they call it gravy.

02:01:21.000 Yeah.

02:01:22.000 My grandmother always called it gravy.

02:01:23.000 Get him some gravy.

02:01:24.000 Get the gravy.

02:01:26.000 Yeah, the only time we called the sauce was, uh, was like, um...

02:01:32.000 A totally different thing.

02:01:33.000 Like gravy, and also it was like turkey gravy.

02:01:36.000 Right.

02:01:37.000 You know, that kind of gravy.

02:01:38.000 But red sauce was gravy.

02:01:40.000 Still gravy, yeah.

02:01:41.000 It was never sauce.

02:01:42.000 You never called it red sauce.

02:01:43.000 And you never had white sauce. 0.99

02:01:44.000 Get the fuck out of here with that. 1.00

02:01:45.000 What are you, a prima donna? 1.00

02:01:46.000 Yeah.

02:01:47.000 What do you want, olive oil with garlic?

02:01:48.000 What are you, a amphiphag? 1.00

02:01:49.000 Should I fucking massage you while you have that? 1.00

02:01:52.000 You can get that. 1.00

02:01:52.000 Look at this sexy bitch right here. 1.00

02:01:54.000 Check this out. 1.00

02:01:54.000 Jesus Christ, you sexy bastard. 1.00

02:01:56.000 Look at you. 1.00

02:01:57.000 Sexy motherfucker. 1.00

02:01:59.000 Look how beautiful you are. 1.00

02:02:01.000 I said, I love my cat.

02:02:02.000 You know those people that always have to do cat material for Christ's sake.

02:02:08.000 You're killing me.

02:02:09.000 Wait until I leave.

02:02:10.000 He's an all-time great and you're being very disrespectful.

02:02:13.000 Do you still have a cat?

02:02:14.000 Do you still love your cat?

02:02:15.000 I'm not going to talk to you.

02:02:18.000 You're not going to lead me into a bit.

02:02:21.000 Well, if you want to talk to Brian, he will be at the American Comedy Company tonight in San Diego.

02:02:26.000 I make it.

02:02:27.000 You feeling good for that trip?

02:02:28.000 You feel better now, right?

02:02:28.000 I feel like I could drive, definitely.

02:02:29.000 I feel great, actually.

02:02:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:02:31.000 Stay there tonight, though.

02:02:32.000 Make sure you stay over there.

02:02:33.000 Don't try to drive back tonight.

02:02:35.000 Don't do that, dude.

02:02:36.000 Good luck with the show.

02:02:37.000 Thanks, man.

02:02:38.000 And Tony Hinchcliffe is on. 0.93

02:02:39.000 He's a fucking hilarious up-and-coming stand-up comedian. 0.93

02:02:42.000 We've had him on a bunch of... 0.99

02:02:43.000 The Death Squad shows at the Ice House.

02:02:45.000 He's hilarious.

02:02:46.000 Really good dude, too.

02:02:47.000 Sarah Tiana, also very funny, also very cool.

02:02:50.000 We've also had her on the Ice House Chronicles as well.

02:02:54.000 Billy Bonell, who's a hilarious comic.

02:02:56.000 And if you use the coupon code ENDOFDAYS right now at American Comedy Co., you get two-for-one tickets for the first ten people.

02:03:03.000 Yeah, so that's an excellent show tonight, San Diego.

02:03:06.000 San Diego is really, there's quite a few comedy opportunities in San Diego.

02:03:10.000 I love it down there.

02:03:11.000 There's two good clubs.

02:03:13.000 There's the American Comedy Club, and there's American Comedy Company, and then there's Madhouse.

02:03:17.000 Madhouse, I heard, is awesome.

02:03:18.000 And, you know, I like the La Jolla Comedy.

02:03:20.000 And I did a theater there.

02:03:20.000 Oh, a comedy store?

02:03:21.000 Yeah.

02:03:21.000 I don't remember the theater's name, but I did a theater there.

02:03:25.000 But it was, whatever it was, it was fucking awesome. 0.72

02:03:27.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:03:27.000 It was a big-ass place. 0.98

02:03:28.000 It was beautiful.

02:03:29.000 They're so happy down there. 0.99

02:03:30.000 Fucking San Diego is great. 0.97

02:03:31.000 I mean it's a little weird because you're right next to Mexico and you get a lot of people that come over from Tijuana to watch the show. 0.99

02:03:38.000 Really? 0.98

02:03:39.000 That was cool as fuck. 0.98

02:03:39.000 I met a lot of people from Tijuana and they were telling me like we're taking pictures together. 0.98

02:03:43.000 Hey man, we came from Tijuana. 0.95

02:03:44.000 I'm like, damn, you can just come over? 0.95

02:03:46.000 Like I was under the impression that it was like really difficult. 0.98

02:03:48.000 You couldn't just like go out for a night in San Diego if you live in Tijuana.

02:03:53.000 Like they wouldn't let you because they would think, why would you come back?

02:03:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:03:56.000 But no, these dudes, they were like legit.

02:03:59.000 They had passports, the whole deal.

02:04:01.000 That's cool.

02:04:02.000 Yeah.

02:04:03.000 Those guys are coming tonight for me to get the radio.

02:04:05.000 That was the Balboa Theater.

02:04:07.000 It was pretty awesome.

02:04:08.000 But yeah, you can get Viagra here.

02:04:10.000 I'm just kidding.

02:04:11.000 You don't want that Mexican Viagra, too.

02:04:13.000 It might not be real.

02:04:14.000 Hey, I got Bill Burr on the show tomorrow night.

02:04:16.000 Oh! 0.60

02:04:17.000 Dom Herrera with Bill Burr!

02:04:18.000 What kind of a show is this?

02:04:19.000 This is craziness!

02:04:21.000 Bustin' Balls with Dom Herrera at the Laugh Factory, 8 o'clock.

02:04:24.000 And so this is your show that people are allowed to come in and they're allowed to yell out and say things.

02:04:30.000 And what time is it starting?

02:04:32.000 8 o'clock tomorrow night.

02:04:33.000 And it's Bill, who else?

02:04:35.000 I don't know who else is on the show.

02:04:36.000 I just wanted to make sure I nailed Bill.

02:04:38.000 Oh, okay.

02:04:39.000 Yeah, that sounds like it would be really fun.

02:04:41.000 That's tomorrow night?

02:04:42.000 Thursday night?

02:04:42.000 Well, I might go by and watch that as a spectator.

02:04:45.000 Hey, if you want a spot, you know it's open to you.

02:04:47.000 I need to start hanging out there.

02:04:48.000 It seems like everyone's hanging out there now.

02:04:50.000 Well, we went there last night.

02:04:51.000 Last night was great.

02:04:52.000 We could definitely make that place do better.

02:04:55.000 The crowds are small.

02:04:59.000 For the Sunset Strip, we packed the ice house.

02:05:01.000 They didn't even know you were going to be on until 4 or 5 o'clock.

02:05:06.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:05:07.000 We could have promoted that.

02:05:09.000 Yeah, Tiffany Haddish is always there, and she's one of the only people that went through that camp, that comedy camp that's a comic.

02:05:17.000 I taught her, man.

02:05:17.000 She was hot then.

02:05:18.000 Oh, that's hilarious, man.

02:05:19.000 Well, it's a great club.

02:05:20.000 Look, the Laugh Act is great.

02:05:22.000 If we could somehow or another sedate Jamie so he can't talk to us anymore, we're going to figure out a way.

02:05:26.000 We've got to do my podcast with just me and you.

02:05:28.000 Yes, yes, we do.

02:05:29.000 Yeah, please.

02:05:30.000 Yeah, we'll do it next week.

02:05:32.000 I'll do it next week.

02:05:32.000 I've got a couple days open next week.

02:05:34.000 Next week's the End of the World Tour.

02:05:36.000 It's only one day.

02:05:37.000 It's not really a tour.

02:05:38.000 It's the End of the World Show with Mad Flavor, a.k.a.

02:05:41.000 Planet Rock, a.k.a.

02:05:43.000 Joey Diaz, and Doug Stanhope, and Honey Honey Band.

02:05:48.000 We're going to have them on the podcast next Monday.

02:05:50.000 Honey Honey.

02:05:50.000 I can't wait to see them.

02:05:51.000 Honey Honey Band.

02:05:51.000 They will be here or Ice House.

02:05:53.000 Probably do it at Ice House.

02:05:55.000 We'll do it at the Ice House because we've got the good internet.

02:05:57.000 You ever do Tampa?

02:05:59.000 Yes, yes, I've done Tampa.

02:06:00.000 Did Bobby Jules?

02:06:01.000 I did, no, I did the improv.

02:06:04.000 The improv in Tampa.

02:06:04.000 Oh, okay, I did the side splitters.

02:06:06.000 My folks used to live out there.

02:06:07.000 They used to live in Clearwater, where all the scientists, Scientologists are, by the way.

02:06:11.000 That's where the Phillies train.

02:06:13.000 If it matters.

02:06:14.000 Maybe they're Scientologists too.

02:06:15.000 Maybe that's why they do so well. 0.99

02:06:16.000 I'm doing that club in January with his Knoxville club, which is funny because I can't draw a fucking person in Nashville. 0.98

02:06:23.000 In Knoxville I sold out. 0.98

02:06:24.000 Nashville's tricky.

02:06:26.000 Why would I sell it in Knoxville?

02:06:27.000 I don't know, but Nashville is particularly tricky apparently for comedy.

02:06:31.000 Yeah.

02:06:31.000 I don't know why.

02:06:32.000 Yeah, there's cities where it's tough.

02:06:34.000 You know, it's hard to, you know, they don't have a comedy community.

02:06:38.000 And it seems like that wouldn't really make sense.

02:06:40.000 I mean, I guess it doesn't.

02:06:41.000 They're so hung up on music, you know.

02:06:42.000 It's such a music town, I guess.

02:06:44.000 But I mean, if you're like a really big name act.

02:06:45.000 But if you're a Southern act, they like you.

02:06:47.000 They like the Southern acts.

02:06:48.000 And yeah, guys like Louis.

02:06:49.000 Well, who's like an example of a Southern actor?

02:06:51.000 Like Rodney Carrington.

02:06:52.000 Like Jeff Foxworthy.

02:06:53.000 Jeff Foxworthy.

02:06:54.000 Those guys.

02:06:54.000 Larry the Cable Guy.

02:06:55.000 Larry the Cable Guy.

02:06:56.000 Well, he crosses a lot of lines at the end.

02:06:58.000 Larry the Cable Guy.

02:06:59.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:07:00.000 They glove him up in Michigan and shit. 0.99

02:07:01.000 Yeah, because he's so blue-collar. 0.99

02:07:02.000 You know, it's so funny.

02:07:03.000 He doesn't talk like that at all.

02:07:05.000 At all.

02:07:05.000 I love him.

02:07:06.000 Yeah.

02:07:06.000 And some people have gotten insulted because he doesn't talk like that.

02:07:10.000 Are you leading me on, boy?

02:07:13.000 Well, sir, I'm just here to make some money.

02:07:15.000 Yeah, I met him at Montreal Comedy Festival way, way back in the day.

02:07:20.000 Really nice guy, man.

02:07:22.000 Him and Tosh used to hang out at the West Palm Club.

02:07:24.000 It was called Comedy Corner.

02:07:25.000 That's where I got to know those two guys.

02:07:27.000 Do you know Josh Wolfe?

02:07:30.000 I don't think so.

02:07:31.000 Josh Wolfe is open for Larry the Cable Guy and he was showing me photos of it, of being in a football arena.

02:07:36.000 Oh my god.

02:07:37.000 It's like 50,000 people to see Larry.

02:07:39.000 You know what's so funny?

02:07:40.000 He was such a normal act as himself.

02:07:44.000 Yeah.

02:07:44.000 He wasn't bad, but he wasn't good.

02:07:46.000 As Larry the Cable Guy, he hooked into something brilliant.

02:07:49.000 Yeah.

02:07:49.000 And he's great at it.

02:07:50.000 He's great. 1.00

02:07:51.000 He's so fucking silly. 1.00

02:07:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:52.000 He found that character. 1.00

02:07:55.000 Remember this?

02:07:55.000 Muscle fitness with Joe Piscopo on it.

02:07:58.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:07:58.000 It looks like his head is implanted on a muscle man's body. 1.00

02:08:02.000 It doesn't look real. 0.99

02:08:02.000 Wow, he's in fucking killer shape back then. 0.99

02:08:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:08:05.000 He's probably roiding. 0.99

02:08:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:07.000 Joe Piscopo.

02:08:08.000 Look at that girl. 1.00

02:08:09.000 That's Johnny Dangerously.

02:08:10.000 That girl's like trying to take him down. 1.00

02:08:11.000 Yeah.

02:08:12.000 And he's holding onto her hand. 1.00

02:08:13.000 What kind of a fucking... 1.00

02:08:14.000 What is that statement? 1.00

02:08:16.000 Why is she behind him?

02:08:17.000 She should be holding him in front of him. 0.99

02:08:19.000 It looks like they photoshopped the cock out. 0.98

02:08:20.000 It's a weird thing. 0.98

02:08:22.000 Those were darker days.

02:08:25.000 People didn't have as many cocks in their life as they have today. 1.00

02:08:27.000 Anybody who's on the internet, it's my golden rule of the internet. 1.00

02:08:30.000 If you have a photo on the internet, somewhere someone has photoshopped a dick in your mouth. 0.99

02:08:33.000 It's just a fact. 0.99

02:08:35.000 There's no getting around that.

02:08:36.000 I think that's better for everybody.

02:08:38.000 I was watching this show that I was talking about.

02:08:40.000 Have you ever watched that Morgan Freeman show, Through the Wormhole?

02:08:43.000 No.

02:08:43.000 He narrates it.

02:08:44.000 Oh, yes.

02:08:45.000 It's like a discovery or one of those?

02:08:47.000 Yeah, it blows.

02:08:48.000 It's mind-blowing.

02:08:49.000 If you haven't DVR'd it, folks, it's a must DVR, especially when you're looking for something really freaky to watch at 2 o'clock in the morning.

02:08:57.000 And they were talking about the fact that just by virtue of the laws of probability, I think that's what they were citing, that because of the fact that the universe may be infinite, and what that means is that we have an idea that the universe is like 14 billion years old.

02:09:16.000 There's a lot of people, a lot of these physicists that actually think that instead of it being finite, like you can measure the distance of the internet, that it might be infinite.

02:09:24.000 And if it is infinite, I have no idea.

02:09:26.000 I don't understand any of it.

02:09:27.000 I don't understand how it could be 14 billion years old.

02:09:29.000 I don't understand how it could have been born.

02:09:30.000 It looks great for 14 billion.

02:09:32.000 I don't understand how it could have not existed and then existed.

02:09:35.000 I really don't understand it.

02:09:36.000 But what I do know is that what this guy was saying was that if the universe is infinite, that means there's not just one, but several versions of you exactly out there, just because of the laws of The fact that there's so many variables.

02:09:52.000 It's like, what they showed is they showed this giant pattern of rocks, like this huge pile of rocks, and they were showing that if you get, like this, there's like one blue rock, one white rock, one black rock.

02:10:05.000 Like in this order, right next to each other, In this massive pile of rocks, you're going to have this occur X amount of times.

02:10:12.000 It's just inevitable.

02:10:13.000 It just will occur.

02:10:14.000 And he walks around and he picks it out.

02:10:16.000 And then they were starting to talk about the distance of infinity and the idea of the infinite and the idea that if that is the case, there is so many possibilities that every, like, one, you know, X amount of trillion light years,

02:10:32.000 there will be another Dom Herrera exactly.

02:10:36.000 I hope you lost weight.

02:10:38.000 You know what I can't fathom?

02:10:41.000 186,000 miles a second, I believe the speed of light is.

02:10:45.000 And they say light years, and then they say a trillion light years. 0.99

02:10:48.000 That's fucking unfathomable. 0.74

02:10:49.000 I think it was several trillion light years. 0.99

02:10:51.000 It was like a hundred trillion light years or something like that.

02:10:54.000 I can't.

02:10:55.000 My mind can't process that.

02:10:57.000 No, we can't.

02:10:57.000 93 million miles is the sun.

02:10:59.000 I can understand that.

02:11:00.000 93 million.

02:11:01.000 I can deal with that.

02:11:02.000 Right.

02:11:02.000 You know, the Earth's 24,000 miles around.

02:11:04.000 93 million.

02:11:05.000 All right, the sun. 0.99

02:11:06.000 But fucking trillion light years? 0.98

02:11:07.000 But what's really fucked up is that if the universe is infinite, when you get to one trillion light years, you're not even like one millionth of one percent done. 0.99

02:11:18.000 A year of like... 0.84

02:11:19.000 It never ends.

02:11:20.000 So it doesn't matter.

02:11:22.000 It's like it will go on literally forever.

02:11:24.000 So how could we get cocky?

02:11:25.000 I don't know.

02:11:26.000 How could we get cocky?

02:11:27.000 I think you know what's how people get cocky?

02:11:29.000 Cities.

02:11:30.000 I think lights...

02:11:31.000 Light pollution where you don't see security.

02:11:34.000 I think those old cavemen people, they had a great reverence to the sky. 0.99

02:11:40.000 Because at nighttime, the shit was overwhelming. 0.95

02:11:43.000 You would have sun in the daytime, and then at nighttime, there had to be nights back when there was no pollution whatsoever, especially high-altitude people. 0.99

02:11:51.000 Where they must have just seen everything in the sky.

02:11:55.000 Everything.

02:11:55.000 So the reverence that they must have had for their journey on this biological spaceship, this organic spaceship hurling through the galaxy.

02:12:03.000 I mean it must have been far greater than ours now.

02:12:05.000 So as we develop more and more technology that allows us to do more and more things that make us almost superhuman in our abilities as far as our ability to To send information, receive information, get questions answered, learn things, transmit data, photos and videos.

02:12:21.000 It's unprecedented.

02:12:24.000 Nothing has ever even been close to this before.

02:12:27.000 And when you see that, it really makes you wonder.

02:12:32.000 It really makes you wonder.

02:12:33.000 It really makes you wonder if while we're doing that, while we're blocking out all this sun with all this light, we've got all this light pollution, and then we have all this Actual pollution where we don't see the mountains.

02:12:43.000 You know that weird feeling that you get in LA where you can't see the mountains?

02:12:46.000 Then one day it rains.

02:12:48.000 And all of a sudden... 1.00

02:12:48.000 You see fucking mountains everywhere! 1.00

02:12:50.000 Yeah, you're coming down sunset and there's a snow-capped mountain. 1.00

02:12:53.000 And you're like, wait a minute. 1.00

02:12:54.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:12:55.000 It's so trippy. 1.00

02:12:56.000 Who put that up?

02:12:57.000 But it's like, think about that.

02:12:58.000 The areas where human beings are at their biggest, the areas where they're at their most overpopulated, you're also at your most disconnected from nature.

02:13:08.000 You're most disconnected from the view of space because of the light pollution.

02:13:11.000 You're most disconnected from the view of the mountains because of the pollution. 0.98

02:13:15.000 It's really fascinating because that sort of mindset comes out of the lack of reverence for nature, the moron mindset of the city. 0.95

02:13:26.000 We don't even deal with nature. 0.95

02:13:28.000 It's crazy because it all happens in this big pile and it's easy to do. 0.82

02:13:32.000 If you live in Manhattan and you take the subway to work and you fucking buy your food at this grocery store on the block and your apartment's up there, why bother? 1.00

02:13:39.000 What do you give a fuck? 1.00

02:13:40.000 The food's there, you go to your job, you get your money, you pay for your groceries. 0.99

02:13:43.000 Why even pay attention to where it's being farmed?

02:13:45.000 Why even pay attention to pesticides, genetically modified foods, or who has to go to war to control what part of the world? 0.99

02:13:52.000 Why give a fuck? 0.99

02:13:53.000 That's the weird sort of an arrogance that develops in some place where you're not connected to it. 1.00

02:13:59.000 It's like we're developing things in these cities where we're escaping the connection of nature and creating in ourselves. 0.99

02:14:07.000 People that have those indoor greenhouses and shit. 0.98

02:14:10.000 There's something badass about it, but there's something crazy. 0.79

02:14:12.000 Why you got all this food under lamps and stuff in a basement?

02:14:19.000 I have a friend who would grow vegetables in his basement.

02:14:22.000 What's wrong with the dirt? 1.00

02:14:24.000 Put your shit in the dirt. 1.00

02:14:26.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:14:28.000 Well, some of it is because they can't raise things in the winter, that kind of thing.

02:14:33.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:14:34.000 Oh, definitely, yeah.

02:14:36.000 Nobody knows more about agriculture than me and you, Joe.

02:14:38.000 Cold climate.

02:14:39.000 Yeah, I watch those Alaska shows where people are, like, preserving all their food and getting ready for the cold climate. 0.99

02:14:47.000 How the fuck do people land there? 0.81

02:14:49.000 How did those guys, the Eskimos and all, why would you stop there? 0.99

02:14:54.000 The Induit, whoever. 1.00

02:14:56.000 The Induit. 0.99

02:14:57.000 What are they called?

02:14:58.000 Induit.

02:14:59.000 Induit. 1.00

02:14:59.000 I'm the idiot. 1.00

02:15:01.000 Well, where it came from was the people that came down the Bering Strait, the same people that populated North America before the Europeans. 1.00

02:15:10.000 They walked.

02:15:11.000 Yeah, but wouldn't you keep walking until you got a little warmer?

02:15:14.000 Yeah, I would say so. 0.99

02:15:15.000 You know, they might have found like a good chick that doesn't mind the cold and they started fucking. 1.00

02:15:19.000 They had some kids and they couldn't move until the kid got older. 0.99

02:15:22.000 And they said, listen, I know how to catch seal.

02:15:24.000 Let's just stay here.

02:15:25.000 Yeah, we got to make fires every night, but so what?

02:15:27.000 We'll make a fire.

02:15:28.000 They figured out how to make igloos.

02:15:29.000 It's beautiful.

02:15:31.000 Well, there's a place in Siberia called the Taigao, and there's this guy, you ever see that documentary, Grizzly Man?

02:15:38.000 No.

02:15:38.000 You ever heard of Werner Herzog, the documentarian?

02:15:41.000 He's got a bunch of really good documentaries.

02:15:43.000 He's famous for his documentary.

02:15:44.000 The most recent one was about, did you see that one about the cave paintings?

02:15:48.000 Cave paintings in France, the really ancient, incredible cave paintings.

02:15:52.000 But anyway, this Herzog guy, he's a really good documentarian, and he had this thing about people that live in Siberia.

02:15:59.000 It was like happy people, life on the taiga. 0.99

02:16:02.000 And it's all about these people that just fucking trap and fish. 0.99

02:16:06.000 That's still their culture? 1.00

02:16:08.000 Yeah, that's all they do.

02:16:08.000 That's all they do.

02:16:09.000 And they trap and that pays for like chainsaws and shit like that. 0.56

02:16:12.000 You know, they're tools, they're essential tools. 0.94

02:16:14.000 And then from that they just fish and trap and hunt.

02:16:21.000 All year.

02:16:21.000 That's their entire existence.

02:16:23.000 And apparently, there's no mental problems.

02:16:27.000 People are fairly healthy.

02:16:29.000 Life is clear to them.

02:16:30.000 Yeah.

02:16:30.000 Life is clear.

02:16:31.000 And they actually enjoy it.

02:16:34.000 They were all getting together and they were talking about what good fun hunting is.

02:16:38.000 What do you want to do tomorrow?

02:16:38.000 Let's go fishing!

02:16:39.000 That's all they did.

02:16:40.000 They fished and they hunt.

02:16:41.000 That's a good idea.

02:16:42.000 And they have to store up a certain amount of meat.

02:16:44.000 So, from that show, I started getting obsessed with all these other Alaska shows.

02:16:49.000 And this show, Mountain Men, where this one dude's living in North Carolina, another dude's living in Montana, another dude was living in Alaska. 0.99

02:16:56.000 But the guy living in Alaska is living the craziest fucking life. 0.93

02:16:59.000 Because this guy is a trapper, and he flies on a little plane hours into the wilderness. 1.00

02:17:05.000 Hours.

02:17:06.000 And then lands, and he has the same spot he lands every year.

02:17:09.000 He's got this clearance that he's made.

02:17:10.000 And he has a trail that he's made and he is a trap trail so he takes this trail with a snowmobile and leaves traps all along the way and then comes back every day or every couple days whatever and collects the dead animals and he stays up there for months.

02:17:25.000 No people.

02:17:27.000 Unbelievable. 1.00

02:17:27.000 Just by himself in a fucking log cabin. 1.00

02:17:30.000 It's crazy. 1.00

02:17:31.000 Like, you're watching this guy's life and you go, whoa, that's where your fucking coat comes from? 0.99

02:17:36.000 Like, that is some, that's a crazy lifestyle choice. 0.98

02:17:40.000 That's a cracks you up if you'll go, well, stand-up comedy, it's got to be the hardest thing in the world.

02:17:43.000 I'm thinking, look at his life.

02:17:45.000 I'm obsessed with these shows, man.

02:17:46.000 I'm obsessed with the idea of subsistence living, living off the land, these people living off the land. 1.00

02:17:51.000 It's amazing.

02:17:52.000 And Alaska, The Last Frontier is the best one because they got really intelligent people.

02:17:56.000 That's a new Discovery Channel show. 0.99

02:17:58.000 They have these really smart fucking people. 0.99

02:18:00.000 Like, you're hearing them talk and, like, These are not uneducated people. 0.99

02:18:04.000 They're smart people that have lived several generations up there in Alaska.

02:18:10.000 Their family was escaping war-torn Europe, and so they moved to Alaska to be homesteaders.

02:18:16.000 They got this giant piece of land and started growing cattle out there. 0.99

02:18:20.000 It's a crazy fucking reality that these people live. 0.99

02:18:24.000 But again, they seem pretty fucking happy, man. 0.99

02:18:26.000 Have you been up there? 0.96

02:18:27.000 No, never been to Alaska.

02:18:28.000 It's supposed to be amazing, though. 0.98

02:18:29.000 It's supposed to be some real game-changing shit, like when you see the wilderness up there. 0.98

02:18:34.000 Amazing that it's a state so far away. 0.99

02:18:37.000 They say eagles are everywhere there.

02:18:39.000 Have you ever seen any of those videos of eagles swarming where the fishermen go?

02:18:45.000 I've never seen a swarm of eagles.

02:18:46.000 Dude, it's crazy.

02:18:49.000 I'll pull up a video.

02:18:51.000 I'll get...

02:18:52.000 Here, I'll do it so we don't destroy the internet.

02:18:55.000 Look for...

02:18:56.000 You should bring your 3G card while you...

02:18:58.000 Yeah, I have mine.

02:19:00.000 I have it here.

02:19:01.000 I should lock it in.

02:19:04.000 But anyway, they...

02:19:10.000 What are you going to Google?

02:19:11.000 What's the exact term? 0.72

02:19:13.000 Swarm of Eagles, butthole. 0.67

02:19:14.000 Yeah, no, Swarm of Eagles, Salmon, Alaska.

02:19:18.000 I mean, you can't believe it, though.

02:19:21.000 You're talking about like 30 or 40 bald eagles that are sitting on this lawn.

02:19:25.000 It's incredible.

02:19:27.000 It's really one of those things that if you didn't see it on a video, you would think it would be fake.

02:19:33.000 But apparently people that go up there say that's really what they're like up there.

02:19:36.000 There's a shitload of eagles. 0.94

02:19:39.000 But you still can't kill them. 0.99

02:19:40.000 I don't think it's called a shitload. 0.99

02:19:42.000 No. 0.91

02:19:42.000 It's like a gaggle or a flock. 0.91

02:19:45.000 I don't think that was it, Brian.

02:19:47.000 Here, I'll go real quick.

02:19:51.000 It's crazy to watch.

02:19:52.000 Swarm of Eagles, Alaska.

02:19:56.000 Eagles is called a swarm?

02:19:58.000 Eagles on lawn.

02:20:00.000 Let's see.

02:20:01.000 Yeah, eagles on lawn.

02:20:02.000 How bad are you at Google, son?

02:20:05.000 You just go, eagles on lawn, first video, over 30 bald eagles in the backyard.

02:20:10.000 It's these people, they just got back from fishing, and so they take these salmons, the salmon bodies, and they throw the body to the fish after they filleted it, and they're feeding the eagles. 0.99

02:20:22.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99

02:20:26.000 Where do you see all these fucking things? 1.00

02:20:28.000 Look at this. 1.00

02:20:36.000 Look at that.

02:20:37.000 They have a whole yard and all of the roof behind the yard. 1.00

02:20:44.000 Yo, if they swarmed on you, they could fuck you up. 0.99

02:20:48.000 Oh, so could eagles. 1.00

02:20:49.000 Yeah, but eagles really could, man.

02:20:52.000 Look at all of them.

02:20:52.000 It's amazing.

02:20:53.000 Those are bald eagles.

02:20:55.000 I never saw anything like that.

02:20:57.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:20:58.000 Well, people in Alaska, man, you get to see shit like this. 1.00

02:21:01.000 Yeah, you do live in the frozen wilderness, but you get to see shit like this. 0.99

02:21:06.000 This is a trip. 0.98

02:21:07.000 No, they're not protected up in Alaska.

02:21:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:09.000 Yes, they are, man.

02:21:10.000 They're protected everywhere.

02:21:11.000 But this is a part of your reality if you live up there.

02:21:13.000 Look at this reality.

02:21:14.000 Your reality is you're surrounded by bald eagles and mountains.

02:21:19.000 And especially, like, right now in the summer, it must be awesome.

02:21:23.000 The thing is, like, look at these kids walking up. 1.00

02:21:27.000 Wow, I would not let my kid go near a fucking eagle. 1.00

02:21:30.000 I would have a shotgun train on those punks. 1.00

02:21:35.000 Because eagles have carried off babies before. 0.58

02:21:37.000 Yeah, that's true, right?

02:21:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:39.000 All these eagles have to just take these children and eagles. 0.98

02:21:41.000 There's an old picture of an eagle trying to carry off a child.

02:21:44.000 There's a video of eagles killing wolves.

02:21:48.000 Eagles, huh?

02:21:51.000 You gotta see that. 1.00

02:21:52.000 Look at these fucking eagles. 1.00

02:21:53.000 That kid has no idea how different his life is, huh? 1.00

02:21:57.000 Yeah.

02:21:57.000 Well, they don't have any idea how weird it is to see a gang of eagles in your backyard.

02:22:01.000 That's crazy.

02:22:02.000 30 eagles.

02:22:04.000 I thought they were solitary animals.

02:22:06.000 I didn't know they flew together.

02:22:08.000 I think there's so much salmon in Alaska that when the salmon is running, apparently they go bananas. 1.00

02:22:15.000 And they just all get together and say, fuck it. 0.99

02:22:20.000 Ari Shafir did stand-up in Alaska and went salmon fishing and he said it's the craziest thing he's ever done in his life. 1.00

02:22:26.000 He said it was amazing.

02:22:27.000 I shouldn't say it's the craziest thing he's ever done in his life because that wouldn't be true.

02:22:30.000 But he said it was amazing and they would eat raw salmon right from the side of the boat.

02:22:35.000 They would just slap the salmon down, cut it open.

02:22:38.000 Take chunks out of it and just eat it.

02:22:40.000 That's correct.

02:22:40.000 He said it was delicious.

02:22:41.000 He said it was like the greatest sushi you could ever eat in your life.

02:22:44.000 You think that's gross, but yet you eat sushi.

02:22:46.000 Yeah, I know.

02:22:46.000 I just don't like the faces.

02:22:48.000 Explain yourself, son.

02:22:49.000 I don't like faces.

02:22:49.000 Oh, the faces?

02:22:50.000 You don't like the being responsible for the death?

02:22:53.000 Yeah.

02:22:53.000 Have you ever killed a fish?

02:22:54.000 Oh yeah, yeah, I've gone fishing and all that shit, but... 0.99

02:22:57.000 You always feel bad? 0.53

02:22:58.000 Yeah, I don't know, I don't feel like it.

02:23:00.000 Yeah, not me.

02:23:02.000 Not fish.

02:23:03.000 I don't really feel bad about fish at all. 0.99

02:23:05.000 I mean, I don't want them to be tortured, but I would eat the shit out of them. 0.99

02:23:08.000 If you hook them in their mouth, you're already starting to torture. 1.00

02:23:12.000 Well, someone sounds like a vegan. 0.89

02:23:14.000 No, I'm just saying.

02:23:15.000 Mr. Herrera, spokesperson for PETA for fish.

02:23:19.000 People for ethical treatment of fish.

02:23:21.000 I like to think of it.

02:23:22.000 PETA. PETA. That's a crack scene about people that only, they're pescatarians. 1.00

02:23:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:23:27.000 It's like, how do you know a fish doesn't have fucking bad feelings? 0.99

02:23:30.000 Someone said this to my wife. 0.99

02:23:31.000 She said, fish don't raise their babies. 1.00

02:23:35.000 I went, whoa.

02:23:36.000 Is that true?

02:23:37.000 Even dolphins?

02:23:38.000 Dolphins aren't fish.

02:23:39.000 Oh, yeah, they're mammals. 0.58

02:23:41.000 But she said...

02:23:41.000 No, there's dolphins that are fish, too.

02:23:44.000 What?

02:23:44.000 There's dolphins that are fish and there's dolphins that are mammals.

02:23:47.000 Oh, yeah, you're thinking of mahi-mahi, actually.

02:23:48.000 They call them dolphin fish.

02:23:49.000 Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

02:23:50.000 Yeah, that's funny because I read that in a magazine once when I was just starting to fish.

02:23:54.000 And I was like, what?

02:23:55.000 People fish for dolphins?

02:23:56.000 That's crazy.

02:23:57.000 It's not the same dolphin.

02:23:58.000 But it's not.

02:23:58.000 It's actually a fish.

02:23:59.000 It's not the flipper type dolphin.

02:24:01.000 No.

02:24:01.000 Yeah, it's not really called dolphin very often.

02:24:05.000 It's mostly called Mahima.

02:24:06.000 I do it occasionally on a broadcast. 1.00

02:24:08.000 You're a crazy man. 1.00

02:24:09.000 You don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:24:10.000 Silly. 1.00

02:24:11.000 Silly. 1.00

02:24:11.000 He's out on the edge. 1.00

02:24:13.000 Alright, Brian has got to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:24:16.000 We've got to send this son of a B all the way down to San Diego tonight. 0.99

02:24:21.000 American Comedy Company.

02:24:22.000 8 o'clock show, folks.

02:24:24.000 Tony Hinchcliffe.

02:24:25.000 Sarah Tiana.

02:24:27.000 Jason Tebow, Billy Bonnell, me.

02:24:30.000 And what is the way they can save some money?

02:24:33.000 If you go to American Comedy Co.

02:24:35.000 and to buy your tickets, if you use the coupon code END OF DAYS, I believe it is.

02:24:40.000 Let me just double check.

02:24:41.000 END OF DAYS would give you two-for-one tickets.

02:24:44.000 Yeah.

02:25:07.000 It should be incredibly fascinating.

02:25:09.000 If you don't know who he is, he's the brother of one of the most famous psychedelic adventurers of all time.

02:25:14.000 Dennis McKenna is Terrence McKenna's brother.

02:25:16.000 And Terrence McKenna is responsible for probably some of the most influential works on psychedelics ever.

02:25:24.000 The most influential points of view.

02:25:26.000 And Dennis was with him through a lot of that stuff.

02:25:28.000 And he's got a book on it now.

02:25:31.000 Some strange name to the book.

02:25:33.000 Brotherhood of the Screaming Abyss or something like that.

02:25:35.000 Sweet Dolphin Kisses.

02:25:36.000 I don't think that's in there.

02:25:38.000 Hold on.

02:25:38.000 Let me Dennis McKenna book.

02:25:41.000 I want to make sure I... Dom Herrera on Twitter, and that's D-O-M-I-R-R-E-R-A. At Dom Herrera.

02:25:50.000 Yeah, this is what's important, ladies and gentlemen.

02:25:52.000 The two R's is first. 1.00

02:25:54.000 And please come and see me at Goodnight's.

02:25:56.000 Let me pack the place on New Year's Eve.

02:25:58.000 I'm happy to go back to North Carolina.

02:26:01.000 Yeah, that's a good club.

02:26:02.000 Charlie Goodnight's.

02:26:02.000 We did Raleigh recently.

02:26:04.000 Raleigh's fun, man.

02:26:05.000 Brotherhood of the Screaming Abyss.

02:26:06.000 That's the book.

02:26:07.000 If you want to read that book before the interview, it might be interesting to give you a little perspective if you're down with it.

02:26:13.000 But Dennis is a brilliant, brilliant guy.

02:26:15.000 And he's an, I don't even know how to say this, ethnopharmacologist and an author and a well-known Psychedelics proponent.

02:26:23.000 Should be fascinating.

02:26:25.000 He's a brother to well-known psychedelics proponent.

02:26:27.000 I don't know if he's a proponent himself.

02:26:29.000 He's probably a bit hedgy.

02:26:30.000 He's a scientific man.

02:26:32.000 A brilliant gentleman.

02:26:33.000 I'm just a gamer, Joe.

02:26:34.000 Not sure why you want me to come here.

02:26:36.000 Whoops, wrong guy.

02:26:38.000 And again, next week, after Dennis, which is on Sunday, Monday we got Honey Honey.

02:26:44.000 And some on Tuesday.

02:26:45.000 I forget.

02:26:46.000 We'll figure it out. 1.00

02:26:47.000 All right, you dirty fucks. 1.00

02:26:48.000 Listen, you guys have been fantastic. 0.99

02:26:50.000 Thanks, everybody.

02:26:51.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.

02:26:55.000 Yeah, them too.

02:26:56.000 Yeah.

02:26:57.000 Thanks to Bladeslinger.

02:27:02.000 Bladeslinger.

02:27:03.000 Yeah, it's a great game.

02:27:04.000 It's from Kerosene Games.

02:27:05.000 It's available on the iTunes store.

02:27:08.000 Yeah, it's only $2.99.

02:27:09.000 And Kerosene Games, which is our...

02:27:11.000 Yeah, how do you go wrong there, son?

02:27:13.000 Losing money by not buying.

02:27:14.000 Yeah, it's...

02:27:15.000 They're the latest sponsor of this podcast.

02:27:19.000 And Kerosene Games are committed to...

02:27:21.000 Making all of their games originally for iPad and iPhones.

02:27:27.000 And now they're in the middle of developing it for the high-end Android devices.

02:27:31.000 That'll be January and February.

02:27:33.000 But it's a cool game.

02:27:34.000 It's great graphics.

02:27:35.000 It's, again, designed for the iPad.

02:27:37.000 It's not ported over there.

02:27:38.000 Designed for it.

02:27:39.000 And it's only $2.99.

02:27:41.000 And they're supporting the podcast. 1.00

02:27:42.000 So go check that shit out. 0.99

02:27:44.000 Throw three bucks that way. 1.00

02:27:45.000 Pick yourself up a dope-ass game if you're into some entertaining time-killing.

02:27:50.000 And next Tuesday, the 18th, I am releasing my stand-up comedy special.

02:27:56.000 And that will be live on JoeRogan.net.

02:27:59.000 And borrowing from the great Louis C.K., it will be five bucks.

02:28:03.000 It'll be the same thing.

02:28:04.000 You'll be able to download it a bunch of times.

02:28:05.000 That's a great idea, man.

02:28:06.000 Yeah.

02:28:06.000 So please don't steal it.

02:28:08.000 I paid a lot of money to make it.

02:28:10.000 But other than that, thanks.

02:28:12.000 Thanks for everybody.

02:28:13.000 And thanks for everybody to be here for you, my friends.

02:28:16.000 Thank you.

02:28:16.000 And we'll see you all on Sunday.

02:28:20.000 Right here.

02:28:21.000 From the middle of nowhere.

02:28:24.000 Which is the bottom of everywhere.

02:28:25.000 I know exactly where this is.

02:28:26.000 Which is the top of the beyond.

02:28:29.000 The middle of the infinity, Dom Herrera.

02:28:32.000 There is no tomorrow, Rocky.

02:28:34.000 You coming back to do Bustin' Balls with Dom Herrera?

02:28:36.000 I will come back to hang out with you, Dom Herrera.

02:28:39.000 Wherever we shall go, together we shall be.

02:28:43.000 Tuesday nights, Dom Herrera is almost always at the Laugh Factory.

02:28:47.000 The night's going to switch, but it's Thursday night for this week.

02:28:51.000 This week, Thursday night?

02:28:53.000 It'll switch.

02:28:53.000 Thursday's a great night.

02:28:54.000 That's a good night out.

02:28:55.000 That's for pros.

02:28:57.000 A lot of pros like to go out on Thursdays.

02:28:58.000 Get some fun times on Thursdays. 1.00

02:29:00.000 Alright, you dirty fucks. 1.00

02:29:01.000 Thanks, man. 1.00

02:29:02.000 Follow Red Band on Twitter.

02:29:04.000 R-E-D-B-A-N. Go to Hire-Primate.com and check out my t-shirts.

02:29:11.000 It's my psychedelic monkey t-shirts.

02:29:13.000 I don't know how many of them are still available.

02:29:16.000 We sold a shitload of them.

02:29:17.000 I underestimate how many people are buying them, but we're getting all new ones in, and we're going to be affiliated with Onnit now, so we'll have our distribution far easier.

02:29:28.000 Nice.

02:29:29.000 Yeah, I'm not much of a businessman, folks. 1.00

02:29:31.000 All right, you fucks. 0.99

02:29:31.000 We've got a lot of good shit coming up, and thanks for being here through all this. 0.99

02:29:34.000 We appreciate the shit out of you, and we love you long time. 0.98

02:29:38.000 All right, bye. 0.59

02:29:38.000 See you later. 0.59

02:29:39.000 See you later.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 13, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #297 - Dom Irrera

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Transcript