The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #457 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:02.000 Hello, sweet bitches. 1.00

00:00:03.000 That's right, the time has come once again. 0.99

00:00:06.000 Ari Shaffir is eating nature box.

00:00:07.000 This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom. 0.98

00:00:10.000 LegalZoom is a way, a convenient way, to deal with a lot of your legal shit that you would normally have to go to a lawyer to. 0.91

00:00:17.000 Deal with it online. 0.99

00:00:18.000 And deal with it naked.

00:00:20.000 You could be drunk.

00:00:21.000 Nobody could stop you.

00:00:22.000 You could say, after everything that you write, lies.

00:00:27.000 You could curse the world.

00:00:32.000 You could curse God himself.

00:00:33.000 As you're signing legal documents. 0.98

00:00:36.000 You could be having sex and getting an LLC at the same time.

00:00:40.000 No one can stop you.

00:00:41.000 You have ultimate freedom because this all exists in the virtual world. 1.00

00:00:44.000 You don't have to worry about pulling your cock out at the lawyer's office. 1.00

00:00:48.000 Like, what if you were cool with paying your wife divorce money, but you wanted to jerk off as you signed the check? 1.00

00:00:53.000 Yeah, just to remind yourself of what a pathetic fucking fool you are. 1.00

00:00:56.000 You get trapped in these terrible relationships that you wind up being financially committed to these people that you really never got along with ever for the rest of your fucking life. 1.00

00:01:04.000 And so as you're writing that down, you just jerk off all over his desk. 0.99

00:01:08.000 I bet someone would want to do that. 0.99

00:01:09.000 Someone would do it.

00:01:10.000 Can't do it.

00:01:11.000 But you can do it at home. 1.00

00:01:12.000 You can get divorced at home while jerking off. 1.00

00:01:14.000 No one can stop you. 0.99

00:01:16.000 You can get a will for $69.

00:01:20.000 You can incorporate or form an LLC starting at $99.

00:01:25.000 And 9 out of 10 customers. 0.92

00:01:26.000 Once you're at an LLC, you can do whatever the fuck you want to the environment.

00:01:29.000 No one can sue you.

00:01:30.000 I don't know if that is totally true.

00:01:34.000 It's like a diplomatic immunity.

00:01:36.000 It's like that.

00:01:36.000 It's a limited liability company.

00:01:38.000 It's a limited liability.

00:01:39.000 It's interesting.

00:01:40.000 It probably should be illegal.

00:01:42.000 But if it exists...

00:01:44.000 Yeah, they just called it.

00:01:45.000 They're just like, no, no, no, we can't sue us.

00:01:47.000 Yeah.

00:01:48.000 Nine out of ten people that have used LegalZoom would recommend the service to family and friends.

00:01:53.000 And you get a special discount from listening to this podcast.

00:01:56.000 Make sure you enter Rogan in the referral box at checkout for more savings.

00:02:01.000 And LegalZoom is not a law firm, but...

00:02:03.000 They can connect you with a third party attorney and provide you with self-help services.

00:02:08.000 The third party attorney thing is probably pretty important.

00:02:12.000 Independent third party attorney. 0.98

00:02:13.000 So if you fucking freak out and you're like, this is illegal, I'm going to prison! 0.99

00:02:18.000 You call the attorney and they calm down. 0.99

00:02:20.000 Calm down, dude.

00:02:22.000 You're going to be fine.

00:02:22.000 Here's how you do it.

00:02:24.000 12 years, over 2 million Americans have used LegalZoom.

00:02:29.000 That's awesome.

00:02:32.000 So LegalZoom, go there. 1.00

00:02:34.000 Use the code word Rogan. 1.00

00:02:35.000 Yeah, it's a lot of fucking people. 0.98

00:02:37.000 It's annoying to have to go to a lawyer's office and do it on their time. 0.98

00:02:41.000 What if you work weird hours?

00:02:42.000 When I worked at a law firm, they billed my hours at $25 an hour to the clients.

00:02:46.000 When I did Xerox thing for $12 an hour, they just robbed you.

00:02:50.000 Lawyer's places robbed you.

00:02:54.000 Legalzoom.com.

00:02:55.000 Use the code where Rogan.

00:02:59.000 We're also brought to you by Naturebox.

00:03:01.000 Naturebox is our latest sponsor.

00:03:03.000 He's a good man.

00:03:04.000 They send you delicious and nutritious snacks in the mail.

00:03:08.000 Are these really nutritious?

00:03:09.000 They are better than sugar or heroin.

00:03:13.000 It's better than meth, for sure.

00:03:16.000 Yeah, they're healthy.

00:03:18.000 Listen, they're snacks.

00:03:19.000 They're carbohydrates.

00:03:20.000 There's like rice cakes.

00:03:21.000 I had some rice sticks.

00:03:23.000 They were good.

00:03:23.000 They're delicious.

00:03:24.000 No trans fats. 1.00

00:03:26.000 It's a lot more healthy than some shit that you're going to get out of a fucking vending machine. 0.99

00:03:32.000 And some of them are really delicious. 0.99

00:03:35.000 Granola.

00:03:36.000 The salted caramel pretzel pops. 0.99

00:03:38.000 Those are fucking really delicious. 0.97

00:03:39.000 What are some of those that you have over there, Ari? 0.98

00:03:41.000 Well, I got the harvest rice sticks, but I have to try.

00:03:43.000 Same for those for later.

00:03:45.000 Here's one important thing.

00:03:47.000 They have zero...

00:03:48.000 They have zero...

00:03:49.000 Excellent.

00:03:50.000 Zero high fructose corn syrup.

00:03:52.000 Nothing artificial.

00:03:54.000 And the Honey Dijon pretzel is very good too.

00:03:56.000 They're yummy.

00:03:56.000 Yeah.

00:03:57.000 And it's better than, you know, people, you give in to temptation when you don't have options.

00:04:02.000 When your only option is that vending machine that has candy bars in it. 1.00

00:04:06.000 You go with one of that and you feel like shit. 0.99

00:04:09.000 And this is a way to get snacks that are, they're yummy and they're good for you. 0.99

00:04:13.000 They're not total shit like most of the stuff. 0.99

00:04:17.000 Cheetos and shit like that. 0.99

00:04:18.000 Not that Cheetos aren't awesome. 0.98

00:04:20.000 Yeah, pretty bad for you though.

00:04:22.000 Yep, not good.

00:04:23.000 I live next to a Pink Dot.

00:04:25.000 I just go down there when I get hungry and high.

00:04:27.000 I remember eating Cheetos one time.

00:04:29.000 You and I went to Pink Dot and we were eating subs.

00:04:33.000 Remember they used to make subs?

00:04:34.000 They still have that.

00:04:36.000 They still have that?

00:04:37.000 Yeah, they do and they're awful.

00:04:38.000 Well, they were good at one point in time.

00:04:41.000 Some of them were good.

00:04:42.000 I had an Italian there that was pretty good. 1.00

00:04:44.000 And I ate all these fucking Cheetos. 0.99

00:04:48.000 I must have ate like a giant bag of Cheetos and I felt so bad. 1.00

00:04:52.000 My body was like, what did you do?

00:04:55.000 I did that last night. 1.00

00:04:56.000 For just a little bit of mouth pleasure, you fucking ruined the whole body for hours and hours. 0.99

00:05:04.000 Cheetos, you can taste a lack of nutrition. 1.00

00:05:06.000 Your whole body just like... 1.00

00:05:08.000 What's this that you just shoved in the machine, you asshole? 1.00

00:05:13.000 This is unleaded! 1.00

00:05:15.000 It says unleaded! 1.00

00:05:16.000 This is not the shit you're supposed to put in here. 1.00

00:05:18.000 I know, but mouth pleasure. 1.00

00:05:21.000 Well, these are good for you, and they're not going to give you that feeling.

00:05:25.000 Just healthy things, like granola.

00:05:28.000 Dark cocoa almonds, which are delicious.

00:05:30.000 And NatureBox ships for free, just like Nature does.

00:05:34.000 I don't know what they mean by that.

00:05:35.000 Nature does not ship for free. 0.99

00:05:36.000 I try and try and try to understand what the fuck they mean. 0.98

00:05:39.000 Nature ships for free. 0.99

00:05:40.000 No, you have to go to Nature and pick it up.

00:05:43.000 It doesn't ship.

00:05:44.000 Even if you live in Nature, it still doesn't come to you.

00:05:46.000 The only way Nature ships for free is if you're talking about pollen.

00:05:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:05:50.000 I guess pollen flies through there.

00:05:52.000 Are there any pollen products on NatureBox?

00:05:55.000 No.

00:05:55.000 I don't think we sell pollen.

00:05:57.000 I don't think we're selling pollen over at Nature's Box.

00:06:00.000 Yeah, birds?

00:06:01.000 Yeah, you guys gotta get rid of that part.

00:06:03.000 Nature's Box ships for free.

00:06:04.000 Just say it ships for free.

00:06:05.000 What does that mean?

00:06:06.000 It doesn't mean anything.

00:06:07.000 Someone wrote it and they just shouldn't... 0.93

00:06:08.000 They should've said, ah, that's ridiculous. 0.93

00:06:10.000 Nature's Box. 0.89

00:06:10.000 They just forgot. 0.89

00:06:11.000 They probably just left it on there and no one said anything and it got past a bunch of people that weren't that stringent.

00:06:17.000 Yeah.

00:06:18.000 And they let it slide.

00:06:19.000 Nature's...

00:06:19.000 Nature doesn't ship for free, son.

00:06:20.000 That shit's ridiculous. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:23.000 Doesn't make any sense.

00:06:24.000 Nature's blocks, we're never on our period.

00:06:28.000 What'd you say?

00:06:30.000 Nature's blocks, we're never on our period.

00:06:33.000 I don't even think you said boxes.

00:06:35.000 Oh yeah, our box.

00:06:38.000 There has to be better than ships for free.

00:06:40.000 We're never on our period.

00:06:42.000 Now I get it.

00:06:43.000 That means you're always pregnant. 0.99

00:06:47.000 Nature's box, you can come in us.

00:06:49.000 Don't worry about it. 1.00

00:06:50.000 Shoot one in there. 1.00

00:06:53.000 Don't use those slogans. 0.99

00:06:55.000 Nature's box, if you're listening to me, I have the most sober one here.

00:07:00.000 You don't want to use these slogans.

00:07:04.000 Nature's box, shoot one in there. 0.94

00:07:06.000 These whole wheat apple picky bars are delicious.

00:07:09.000 Nature's box, shoot one in there. 0.94

00:07:13.000 Right now, your first order of NatureBox.

00:07:16.000 Get 50% off it by going to naturebox.com slash rogan.

00:07:20.000 That's naturebox.com slash rogan.

00:07:23.000 Get a handle on your health and your hunger.

00:07:25.000 Go to naturebox.com slash rogan.

00:07:28.000 And hey... 1.00

00:07:29.000 Shit went in there. 1.00

00:07:30.000 That's not herpes. 1.00

00:07:33.000 That's lemon tea biscuits. 1.00

00:07:34.000 Don't worry about it, bitch. 1.00

00:07:35.000 Walk it off. 1.00

00:07:37.000 Walk it off at Nature Bucks.

00:07:39.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:07:41.000 O-N-N-I-T. If you haven't been to Onnit in a while, we've added a lot of things. 0.96

00:07:47.000 Continue to add things.

00:07:50.000 Mostly just things that we find that are beneficial.

00:07:53.000 The idea on it is a human optimization website.

00:07:57.000 What that means is we sell strength and conditioning equipment and supplements and protein powder, hemp protein powder.

00:08:03.000 We just sell things that we find that are beneficial.

00:08:07.000 These kettlebells that we have made, we have artistic kettlebells too, the zombie bells and the primal bells.

00:08:13.000 And what they are is kettlebells that look badass.

00:08:16.000 They look like They're sculptures.

00:08:18.000 They're made by this kid, Steven...

00:08:19.000 This kid.

00:08:20.000 These young kids these days with their artistic talent.

00:08:23.000 This man.

00:08:24.000 He might not be a kid.

00:08:25.000 I don't even know his age.

00:08:27.000 Steven Shubin Jr. He created the primal bell.

00:08:30.000 Yeah, the monkey one and the apes.

00:08:32.000 And then he also did the new ones, which are zombie bells.

00:08:35.000 They're all balanced out.

00:08:37.000 Because one of the things about kettlebells is it's all about swinging this ball, this heavy steel ball.

00:08:44.000 And it's all about balancing it and controlling it.

00:08:47.000 And if the ball was off, like with these faces, it could easily be off.

00:08:50.000 So we had them, part of the artwork is that they had to be 3D mapped.

00:08:56.000 To make sure that they still are kettlebells that you can train with with no problems.

00:09:00.000 I train with my gorilla all the time, and you can work out with it just like a rugged kettlebell.

00:09:04.000 You just have to be cognizant of where the head is facing, but you should know that anyway, and you'll be fine.

00:09:10.000 But I train with them.

00:09:11.000 They're really my favorite all-time exercise for strength and conditioning.

00:09:16.000 And I don't even mean if you're an athlete.

00:09:18.000 If you're an athlete, they're fantastic.

00:09:20.000 I mean, they're really great for...

00:09:22.000 Also for educating your body to work as one unit, carrying a heavy kettlebell and doing things like cleans and presses and things along those lines.

00:09:31.000 But it's also, they're great for regular life.

00:09:34.000 They're great for just being able to pick up a couch and help move it. 1.00

00:09:38.000 It's better to have a body that works a little better, a body that can be strong, a body that doesn't break when you try to bring home groceries. 1.00

00:09:46.000 Get your shit together, bitch. 1.00

00:09:47.000 That's what I'm trying to say. 1.00

00:09:48.000 I like how the little bitch one is a goblin. 1.00

00:09:51.000 It's not even a zombie. 1.00

00:09:52.000 The little one is a goblin?

00:09:54.000 Is that what they're saying? 0.59

00:09:55.000 Yeah, it says it's a brain zoblin.

00:09:56.000 Brain zoblin?

00:10:01.000 What does it say?

00:10:02.000 Brain goblin?

00:10:03.000 I think it's a...

00:10:05.000 I think that's still a zombie, dude.

00:10:07.000 A goblin is not a zombie.

00:10:09.000 They should have one that's shaped like a pretty girl going to work. 1.00

00:10:13.000 Yeah, I mean, this doesn't look like a ghost face thriller.

00:10:16.000 It's just a funny name.

00:10:17.000 But doesn't it look like a zombie to you?

00:10:19.000 That looks like a zombie. 0.83

00:10:20.000 That doesn't look like a ghost.

00:10:21.000 No, no ghost.

00:10:22.000 There's no ghost there.

00:10:23.000 That's solid mass. 1.00

00:10:24.000 Yeah, I can't see through that shit. 0.99

00:10:27.000 Yeah, that ain't ghost-like. 0.99

00:10:28.000 It's Frankenstein-ish, if anything.

00:10:30.000 Yeah.

00:10:31.000 Yeah, that's a zombie, dude.

00:10:33.000 That's not a goblin.

00:10:34.000 Oh, wait.

00:10:35.000 Zombies are the ones that...

00:10:35.000 No, that...

00:10:36.000 Yeah, it's definitely not a ghost.

00:10:38.000 Yeah.

00:10:39.000 Well, can't ghosts look like anything?

00:10:42.000 Who's to say?

00:10:43.000 You can see through a ghost. 0.99

00:10:44.000 You know what's fucked up, man? 0.99

00:10:45.000 It's really fucked up what they've done with vampires. 0.98

00:10:48.000 What do you mean? 0.97

00:10:49.000 They've given new rules to, like, vampires.

00:10:52.000 Oh, really?

00:10:52.000 You can go out in the sun as long as Seattle, you mean?

00:10:54.000 Well, two people did it.

00:10:55.000 It happened twice.

00:10:57.000 Once it happened with Blade, which I forgave.

00:11:01.000 It was ridiculous, but I forgave.

00:11:03.000 Why was he a daywalker? 0.96

00:11:04.000 He's a half-vampire.

00:11:06.000 He was born.

00:11:07.000 His mom was bitten, and he was born, and he became half vampire.

00:11:11.000 Not like totally vampire, some weird sort of hybrid thing.

00:11:14.000 So, Stephen Dorff was the main vampire dude, and he could go outside with sunscreen on.

00:11:20.000 Oh, really?

00:11:21.000 Yes.

00:11:21.000 That's so cool.

00:11:22.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.99

00:11:24.000 That's the worst. 0.99

00:11:25.000 No, you can't.

00:11:26.000 No, you better have magic or something. 0.99

00:11:28.000 You can't just fucking put sunscreen on. 1.00

00:11:30.000 You're a vampire, man. 1.00

00:11:31.000 You burn instantly into ashes. 1.00

00:11:33.000 It was some studio execs.

00:11:35.000 Like, hey, we wrote this part.

00:11:36.000 But he's outside during the day.

00:11:37.000 Like, we'll figure it out, writer.

00:11:38.000 I don't remember that from the comic book either, because Blade was a favorite comic book of mine.

00:11:43.000 I was always a big Marvel comic book fan.

00:11:45.000 I love Blade.

00:11:45.000 I don't even remember that as a comic book.

00:11:47.000 Oh, he was awesome. 1.00

00:11:48.000 He'd fight fucking, fight vampires and shit. 1.00

00:11:50.000 He used a teak knife in all those books. 1.00

00:11:54.000 It was cool when he showed up at that party.

00:11:56.000 Dude, he was cool, too.

00:11:57.000 Look, man, I know I was supposed to fight that guy, but I'm a Wesley Snipes fan.

00:12:01.000 I think he was awesome.

00:12:03.000 Is he still in prison?

00:12:04.000 No, he's out now.

00:12:05.000 He's back doing movies again.

00:12:08.000 He was awesome in Blade.

00:12:10.000 Yeah.

00:12:10.000 Apparently he was completely crazy by the time Blade 2...

00:12:13.000 By the time Blade 2...

00:12:14.000 Audit.com, Rogan, use the code word Rogan.

00:12:16.000 This is where we're obviously doing a podcast. 1.00

00:12:18.000 Fuck the music, man. 1.00

00:12:19.000 Ari Shaffir is here. 1.00

00:12:20.000 We don't have to do this.

00:12:21.000 Yeah.

00:12:23.000 By the time he was doing Blade 2 or 3, apparently he was off the handle.

00:12:28.000 Patton Oswalt wrote a whole blog entry about it.

00:12:31.000 On Meeting I'm Into?

00:12:32.000 Describing it.

00:12:33.000 Describing it.

00:12:34.000 He might have performed it somewhere.

00:12:37.000 He might have performed it.

00:12:39.000 I'm not sure.

00:12:40.000 I remember hearing about it, I think. 0.98

00:12:41.000 Holy shit, it was crazy. 0.99

00:12:43.000 It was like Ryan O'Neal and him. 0.99

00:12:45.000 And apparently, Wesley was gone.

00:12:49.000 He was just off the deep end crazy on the set. 0.92

00:12:52.000 And so they replaced him with what Patton called much cooler black guys. 0.96

00:12:56.000 They replaced him with another guy.

00:12:58.000 Who just did the scenes?

00:13:00.000 Yeah, did the martial arts stuff.

00:13:01.000 Yeah.

00:13:02.000 Because I couldn't deal with him?

00:13:03.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:13:04.000 I don't know what the fuck happened. 0.99

00:13:05.000 Wasn't he already sort of a movie star? 1.00

00:13:08.000 He went crazy in between there and there?

00:13:09.000 Yeah, I think probably some substances were involved.

00:13:13.000 Oh yeah, it's always that.

00:13:14.000 It's usually.

00:13:15.000 It's always that.

00:13:16.000 Yeah.

00:13:17.000 And you see them taking whatever and you're like, oh, oh.

00:13:21.000 It's also, I don't think we can imagine what it's like to be that famous.

00:13:25.000 I think for some people, it's just, and then you get hooked up with the wrong people in your life and you're fucking around with the wrong friends and getting in trouble.

00:13:35.000 It happens to so many of them.

00:13:35.000 Elvis.

00:13:36.000 Yeah.

00:13:37.000 Yeah, it's a drug.

00:13:39.000 Well, the nature of the business, like if you're a person who's in the limelight that heavily, like the nature of the business becomes very bizarre.

00:13:49.000 You know, the nature of your reality, you're getting around.

00:13:52.000 Yeah, everyone treats you like a commodity. 0.88

00:13:54.000 We were talking about Justin Bieber, like how Justin Bieber, the kid's like, everywhere he goes, people fucking freak out just to see him. 0.97

00:14:00.000 He's like some weird alien. 0.99

00:14:03.000 We can't imagine what the fuck that's like. 0.99

00:14:05.000 I just feel bad for him now. 0.92

00:14:06.000 Sort of, in a way, I mean, it's not an ideal way to live.

00:14:09.000 It seems awesome, like, don't feel bad, he's got all this money, but it's a crazy, like, burden to throw on somebody.

00:14:16.000 Brent Tobler told me he got into an elevator with Jessica Simpson, and she turns to the woman she's with us and goes, he's not supposed to be in here.

00:14:23.000 What?

00:14:24.000 Yeah, he was just going up to whatever his room was in.

00:14:27.000 No way.

00:14:27.000 Yeah.

00:14:28.000 Wow.

00:14:29.000 Oh my god.

00:14:30.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 Well, you know what, though?

00:14:32.000 How do you start expecting that?

00:14:33.000 This is wrong!

00:14:34.000 It is totally wrong, but in her defense, to be her as a woman and be super duper stupor famous, she must be so vulnerable. 0.92

00:14:44.000 It must be weird to the opportunity for a guy to get in an elevator with her. 1.00

00:14:49.000 Like, men want to fuck her. 0.99

00:14:50.000 When she's not used to it. 1.00

00:14:51.000 So much.

00:14:52.000 There's so many men who, like...

00:14:54.000 And a guy who knows that he could probably physically take advantage of her and can't believe that he's in her presence in a trapped environment like an elevator.

00:15:01.000 Right.

00:15:02.000 If he's a really creep, you know?

00:15:03.000 He would go to town.

00:15:04.000 He could. 0.97

00:15:05.000 He would ravage her. 0.99

00:15:06.000 Be horrible. 1.00

00:15:07.000 I mean, you're much more vulnerable as a woman if you're that stupor famous. 1.00

00:15:11.000 So you think she puts in a rider when she goes to a hotel? 0.99

00:15:13.000 It's like, okay, but you gotta let him know.

00:15:15.000 No one can ride with me.

00:15:17.000 No, you can't do that.

00:15:18.000 She might have rules that her security follows. 0.96

00:15:22.000 Her security, you know, she might have rules. 1.00

00:15:25.000 She doesn't want security to let anybody in the hotel lobby with her or let anybody in the elevator with her. 0.98

00:15:31.000 I don't know.

00:15:32.000 She might. 0.63

00:15:32.000 But it's like, people don't have to listen to that. 0.63

00:15:35.000 Yeah, but how do you stay normal after that?

00:15:36.000 After no one's allowed to be in the elevator with you?

00:15:38.000 Well, here's the thing about you and I, is that we're stand-up comedians.

00:15:43.000 And by being a stand-up comedian, you're all the time forced to look at everything.

00:15:48.000 You look at yourself.

00:15:49.000 You look at what you're saying.

00:15:52.000 You look at the world around you.

00:15:53.000 You're looking for jokes in things.

00:15:56.000 You're looking for jokes in yourself.

00:15:57.000 You're looking for jokes in your own life.

00:15:59.000 A lot of people don't do that ever.

00:16:02.000 They're not ever thinking about their behavior.

00:16:05.000 They're just doing what they can get away with. 0.97

00:16:07.000 And they're acting as fucking Looney Tunes off the deep end as they can get away with it. 1.00

00:16:12.000 As they continue to get away with more and more Looney Tunes shit. 1.00

00:16:15.000 They get worse and worse. 1.00

00:16:16.000 Well, that's what the whole Diva thing is all about, man. 1.00

00:16:19.000 I mean, she has so much power to yell and scream at people. 1.00

00:16:21.000 Yeah.

00:16:22.000 Why is that?

00:16:23.000 What's going on there?

00:16:24.000 They said, Roseanne, every more year she had her show, they were just firing more showrunners. 0.70

00:16:29.000 Yeah.

00:16:29.000 She was on the podcast talking about it.

00:16:32.000 Really?

00:16:32.000 Yeah, she was talking about it.

00:16:33.000 Just like getting rid of people.

00:16:34.000 Well, she talked about how crazy she went.

00:16:36.000 Really?

00:16:36.000 Yep.

00:16:37.000 Wow.

00:16:37.000 Yeah, she's pretty open about it.

00:16:39.000 I mean, she's essentially saying what you're saying.

00:16:42.000 She's saying that nobody can handle it.

00:16:44.000 It's just too...

00:16:45.000 One after another, they all fall.

00:16:47.000 It's too hard.

00:16:48.000 Justin Bieber, there's no way he's normal.

00:16:49.000 No way.

00:16:50.000 There's no way.

00:16:51.000 Yeah.

00:16:53.000 He was trying to rush people. 0.87

00:16:56.000 Dude, you're scrawny, man.

00:16:57.000 He's so young, too.

00:16:59.000 You know, for him to be so young and to have that happen to him. 1.00

00:17:01.000 It's a fucking wild ride, man. 0.99

00:17:03.000 That's not a normal ride of life. 1.00

00:17:05.000 You're not a man yet.

00:17:06.000 You're a child and you're adored.

00:17:08.000 That's not supposed to happen that way.

00:17:10.000 You're supposed to feel insecure.

00:17:11.000 You can see how they become that King Joffrey.

00:17:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:14.000 Exactly.

00:17:15.000 Exactly.

00:17:16.000 Exactly.

00:17:16.000 I mean, he's not.

00:17:17.000 You were raised in that?

00:17:18.000 I'm sure he's not.

00:17:19.000 I'm sure a lot of it is exaggerated.

00:17:20.000 He seems like a nice kid.

00:17:21.000 I met him once.

00:17:22.000 I shook his hand in his dad's hand at the UFC. Really?

00:17:25.000 Yeah, I mean, he seems like a nice kid.

00:17:27.000 Do you tremble?

00:17:27.000 What do I know?

00:17:28.000 I didn't know who he was.

00:17:28.000 I didn't know who he was until I was shaking his hand.

00:17:31.000 Like, as I was shaking his hand, I was like, that's not a singer, kid.

00:17:33.000 This was a while ago, but he's much more famous now than even he was then.

00:17:37.000 Like, he's like in some crazy stratosphere of fame thing now.

00:17:41.000 But, I think all of us...

00:17:43.000 Does he just exude fame where you're like, Jesus.

00:17:45.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:17:46.000 He was just a nice kid.

00:17:47.000 Just came over and said...

00:17:48.000 I realized as I was shaking his hand that it was Justin Bieber.

00:17:51.000 Like I said, this was like two years ago.

00:17:53.000 Probably two.

00:17:54.000 Might even be three.

00:17:56.000 Nice is all well and good, but being able to handle that kind of fame, I couldn't imagine how anybody could not Elvis it.

00:18:08.000 There's no way!

00:18:10.000 There's no way!

00:18:12.000 It seems like your reality is just so bizarre.

00:18:16.000 Yeah, if you're just entitled to something, you were just like, alright, I'll just take it.

00:18:19.000 Yeah.

00:18:20.000 Do you think they're just picking on him to a point where, like, I mean, they're, like, making news stories of him peeing in a mop bucket.

00:18:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:27.000 They're making news stories of him being a 21-year-old egging his neighbor's house.

00:18:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:31.000 Well, hold on.

00:18:32.000 I think that was real.

00:18:33.000 No, no, no.

00:18:34.000 But it is real.

00:18:35.000 But, I mean, when I was 21...

00:18:36.000 It's like, right, that's what I'm saying.

00:18:37.000 We all did that.

00:18:38.000 Yeah.

00:18:39.000 We're not any better than that.

00:18:40.000 But a 21-year-old that's got $500 million or whatever he's got, that becomes more interesting to people.

00:18:46.000 You have to get mad at him. 0.63

00:18:47.000 You pee in a bucket. 0.93

00:18:48.000 You have that much money.

00:18:49.000 He's got to pee.

00:18:50.000 He's alive. 0.57

00:18:51.000 You're drunk.

00:18:52.000 The house, the egging the house thing, I kind of disagree.

00:18:55.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

00:18:57.000 Yeah.

00:18:58.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with that being a story.

00:19:00.000 I think that's a real important story.

00:19:02.000 Yeah, I agree, but he got caught.

00:19:03.000 But it's like, that is the worst.

00:19:06.000 Like, all these other things are just so minor.

00:19:08.000 It's like Miley Cyrus. 0.97

00:19:09.000 Like, well, yeah, you're 19 and slutting it up. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Yeah, you're from the fucking south. 1.00

00:19:13.000 Of course. 1.00

00:19:14.000 That's perfect.

00:19:15.000 On target.

00:19:17.000 I bet you if you were hanging out with him, it would be just like hanging out with your friends.

00:19:21.000 Oh, you want to smoke weed?

00:19:22.000 Oh, dude, let's get a little fast in the car.

00:19:24.000 Oh, let's do this.

00:19:25.000 And then of all those things that you've did, they've made stories out of all these little minor details. 1.00

00:19:31.000 Every time you go on TMZ, it's something stupid. 0.99

00:19:33.000 Like, Bieber did this. 1.00

00:19:34.000 He flicked off.

00:19:35.000 There was smoke coming out of his car.

00:19:37.000 Well, he becomes the show.

00:19:38.000 See, the problem is when you step out like that and you're driving a chrome car, what he's doing is he's stepping out. 0.95

00:19:48.000 He's racing Lamborghinis in Miami and he's getting fucked up here and he's getting fucked up there and he's having fun. 0.93

00:19:54.000 He's having a great time. 0.98

00:19:55.000 I bet he's having a great time.

00:19:57.000 He's doing the best I've ever imagined a 19-year-old kid could do.

00:20:01.000 With a half a billion dollars.

00:20:03.000 He's doing great.

00:20:04.000 Like, leave him alone, man.

00:20:06.000 His dads are on him all the time, right?

00:20:08.000 I don't know.

00:20:09.000 I mean, who knows?

00:20:11.000 He's like, I'm just trying to make good music, dude. 0.98

00:20:12.000 What the fuck should I do? 0.97

00:20:13.000 He's having a blast, is what he's having. 0.99

00:20:15.000 But, boy, he's on a crazy rocket ship ride.

00:20:18.000 There's no way it doesn't implode.

00:20:20.000 He's strapped to the head of, like, a missile and shot through the sky. 0.99

00:20:25.000 And it's like, wow, the fucking, you know, the ride is very fast and very exciting. 0.99

00:20:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:33.000 But the landing. 0.99

00:20:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:35.000 What is the lending going to be like?

00:20:38.000 They stop trying to make him out like a virgin anymore.

00:20:41.000 How long are you going to keep balling?

00:20:44.000 How long can you keep balling that hard?

00:20:47.000 He's got a chrome car.

00:20:49.000 He's 19. He's got a chrome car.

00:20:51.000 He's throwing eggs at his fucking neighbor's house. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Shirley Temple retired at 21. Whoa. 1.00

00:20:56.000 Yeah.

00:20:57.000 She was like, I'm getting out of the business.

00:20:58.000 I'm living off residuals.

00:20:59.000 Whoa.

00:21:00.000 She lived a normal life.

00:21:02.000 Wow.

00:21:03.000 That's crazy.

00:21:04.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:21:04.000 I feel like 10 years, nobody even fucking bother. 0.98

00:21:06.000 Wow. 0.97

00:21:08.000 Huh.

00:21:09.000 That might be the move.

00:21:10.000 That might be the move.

00:21:11.000 Just like, cool, I did it.

00:21:12.000 Now I'm good.

00:21:13.000 I'm set on this.

00:21:14.000 Let me just work on my painting.

00:21:16.000 I don't know, man.

00:21:17.000 You know, as you see more and more instances of people that get that super stratosphere of fame and more and more Michael Jackson's, you know.

00:21:26.000 Michael Jackson, to me, is the most fascinating character study ever.

00:21:31.000 On human beings that I've ever witnessed because I think he is...

00:21:36.000 He never went down and fainted.

00:21:38.000 Well, I guess sort of, but not really.

00:21:39.000 Well, he kind of did and then didn't and, you know, he's sort of still in the mix because people didn't want to believe that he was a child molester.

00:21:45.000 Nobody wanted to believe it. 1.00

00:21:47.000 Dude, that guy, it became a fucking freak. 1.00

00:21:52.000 He became... 1.00

00:21:53.000 A monster. 0.97

00:21:54.000 He became a monster. 0.95

00:21:55.000 He turned into a monster. 0.99

00:21:56.000 He became a monster. 0.98

00:21:58.000 He became this white-skinned, vampire-like guy with alien eyes. 1.00

00:22:04.000 Pig-nosed. 1.00

00:22:04.000 He had his eyes worked on to the point where his eyes were really big and wide. 1.00

00:22:09.000 It was weird. 0.99

00:22:10.000 He had a bunch of weird shit done to his face. 0.99

00:22:13.000 He had a dimple put in. 0.99

00:22:14.000 And then he played the Super Bowl like that.

00:22:16.000 And he denied ever having anything done.

00:22:20.000 Did he really?

00:22:21.000 Yes, yes he did, yes.

00:22:22.000 What?

00:22:23.000 He denied having anything done.

00:22:24.000 Like, I went to have my nose fixed, but that was because something went wrong.

00:22:28.000 And then he pretended to have a baby with somebody?

00:22:30.000 Yeah, and the kids came out white.

00:22:33.000 With Elvis' daughter?

00:22:36.000 Did they say they had a baby with her?

00:22:37.000 Well, no, no, no.

00:22:38.000 He didn't have a baby with her, but he had with this one woman.

00:22:43.000 Supposedly, she was pregnant with his kids, and the kids came out totally white. 0.93

00:22:46.000 Totally white. 0.64

00:22:47.000 Completely white.

00:22:48.000 Like, it's one of the weirdest things ever.

00:22:49.000 And I guess you're supposed to just, I don't know what you're supposed to question.

00:22:52.000 You're supposed to keep believing in him.

00:22:53.000 I don't know.

00:22:54.000 The guy...

00:22:55.000 Do you remember when he was doing the interview in Vegas and he was going through that statue store?

00:23:00.000 Yes.

00:23:01.000 I totally remember that.

00:23:02.000 And he was like, well, you know, the fame is pretty nice.

00:23:03.000 I'll have two of those, please.

00:23:05.000 And this guy behind him is leering, just like, all right, that's $200,000.

00:23:09.000 Yep.

00:23:09.000 Yep, that one's $150,000 each.

00:23:11.000 Yeah.

00:23:11.000 We're just tiling it up.

00:23:12.000 We just keep going, yeah, doing the interview and ordering shit, just walking through. 0.98

00:23:17.000 It was kind of like a cry for help, man. 0.98

00:23:19.000 Sort of.

00:23:20.000 That video was kind of like a cry for help.

00:23:22.000 What did that kid say?

00:23:23.000 This is that guy that's saying that Michael Jackson molested him when he was a kid, and now he's trying to get money out of this state, and the state's saying, you waited too long, too bad.

00:23:32.000 Oh, really?

00:23:33.000 This is not his money anymore, it's our money.

00:23:35.000 What do you think, though, man?

00:23:36.000 You know, there's also the possibility that he didn't molest kids, or he...

00:23:40.000 There's nothing I know about the world that would say that that's a realistic possibility.

00:23:44.000 But, yeah, it was... 0.72

00:23:46.000 Could it be that people were trying to take advantage of a guy that's just fucking really weird? 0.51

00:23:50.000 Yeah, maybe. 0.72

00:23:51.000 That's why...

00:23:52.000 And sad.

00:23:52.000 That's the only way people aren't, like, at his door with pitchforks, is there's a possibility.

00:23:57.000 Well, he's dead.

00:23:58.000 People just made it up.

00:23:58.000 I don't need to be at his door today.

00:23:59.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

00:24:01.000 He died the weirdest death ever.

00:24:03.000 Yeah.

00:24:03.000 The guy who's taking this...

00:24:05.000 I mean, he's getting put under every night.

00:24:08.000 That's how he's going to sleep.

00:24:09.000 That's how he went to jail.

00:24:09.000 Yeah.

00:24:11.000 Yeah.

00:24:12.000 Can you imagine?

00:24:13.000 Can you imagine you take it to the next level?

00:24:15.000 Go to sleep?

00:24:16.000 You're getting anesthetized.

00:24:18.000 Just tuck yourself in, man.

00:24:19.000 You'll be okay.

00:24:20.000 How about sleeping pills? 1.00

00:24:21.000 It's not strong enough, bitch. 1.00

00:24:23.000 I need something more. 1.00

00:24:24.000 I got nightmares.

00:24:25.000 Well, I just think if you just...

00:24:27.000 Michael, if you just lay your head down, just count sheep for a little bit.

00:24:31.000 It could probably work...

00:24:31.000 Well, that shows me you're not listening to me.

00:24:34.000 I'm just saying, try it without the stuff.

00:24:36.000 Yeah, he wasn't even willing to endure that.

00:24:39.000 Nope, nope, we're not going to be staying up another night.

00:24:42.000 Put me under.

00:24:43.000 Anesthetized me. 0.55

00:24:44.000 And the doctor was so crazy, he just did it. 0.54

00:24:46.000 He was getting paid so much. 0.99

00:24:48.000 He fucking conked him out every night. 0.98

00:24:51.000 I guess that's super bad for you. 0.99

00:24:54.000 I guess you're not supposed to anesthetize yourself every night.

00:25:01.000 It seems like that would be a no-brainer.

00:25:05.000 Do you sleep?

00:25:06.000 Yeah, not really.

00:25:08.000 Sort of.

00:25:08.000 You're just out.

00:25:10.000 I wake more refreshed.

00:25:12.000 Well, isn't that like side effect of that particular type of anesthesia?

00:25:17.000 No, you wake up and you feel refreshed.

00:25:21.000 It's like there's some sort of a trick to it.

00:25:23.000 Oh, really?

00:25:23.000 After like 30 minutes?

00:25:24.000 I kind of remember reading that.

00:25:26.000 I should probably pull it up.

00:25:27.000 I think there was a particular type of anesthesia that he was into.

00:25:31.000 When I got put out at Eddie Bravo's class, I felt so refreshed afterwards.

00:25:34.000 That's different.

00:25:35.000 Really?

00:25:36.000 Yeah, you wake up and I was like, when he was like, you can get back in there.

00:25:38.000 I was like, can I really?

00:25:39.000 I just felt like...

00:25:41.000 I felt like I'm rested.

00:25:42.000 I felt like I had a nap for 30 minutes.

00:25:44.000 So his anesthesia, do you guys remember what it was called?

00:25:47.000 No.

00:25:48.000 What do you mean?

00:25:49.000 The type they gave him to him?

00:25:50.000 Yeah.

00:25:52.000 What?

00:25:52.000 The anesthesia that they got him with.

00:25:55.000 Okay.

00:25:56.000 Propofol.

00:25:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:58.000 Propofol.

00:25:59.000 Propofol.

00:25:59.000 So let's look at Propofol's benefits.

00:26:03.000 Propofol.

00:26:06.000 That's so scary.

00:26:07.000 Yeah.

00:26:09.000 Do it even once.

00:26:10.000 I can't go to sleep.

00:26:10.000 What else have you got?

00:26:11.000 That's so crazy.

00:26:14.000 I have a meeting at 10 a.m.

00:26:15.000 We've got to go to sleep.

00:26:17.000 The idea that someone could get that far gone.

00:26:20.000 They could get that far gone where they just need to be put out.

00:26:23.000 Do you think there were other doctors who were like, Michael, I can't do that. 0.99

00:26:25.000 Like, get the fuck out of here.

00:26:27.000 Until he got a doctor and was like, alright, I guess I'll do it. 0.99

00:26:30.000 I guess this doctor thought he was going to be able to keep him alive.

00:26:32.000 And if he kept him alive, he would be still pulling money out of Michael for a long time.

00:26:37.000 I mean, that's the only reason why it makes any sense that anybody would agree to do this.

00:26:42.000 It's because they need money.

00:26:43.000 Yeah.

00:26:44.000 Or they want the money.

00:26:45.000 I mean, there's a reason why it's not legal.

00:26:48.000 It's not ethical.

00:26:49.000 It's scary.

00:26:50.000 It's scary that you can get a doctor to agree to just put you under every night.

00:26:55.000 I took an oath.

00:26:56.000 That's so crazy.

00:27:00.000 I'm trying to find the disadvantages.

00:27:03.000 Disadvantages of going to sleep every night by the gas?

00:27:07.000 Yeah.

00:27:08.000 Just the disadvantages of using it.

00:27:11.000 Yeah, let me hear them.

00:27:15.000 By the way, I'll be in Chicago at Zany's this weekend.

00:27:19.000 Powerful Chicago Zany's. 0.98

00:27:21.000 Small club.

00:27:22.000 Cool place.

00:27:22.000 Yeah, I've never been.

00:27:24.000 Supposed to be one of the best clubs in the country.

00:27:25.000 I've never been either.

00:27:26.000 Really?

00:27:27.000 Yeah, it's supposed to be one of those small ones, right?

00:27:28.000 Yeah, it's real small.

00:27:29.000 I think it's like less than 200 seats.

00:27:31.000 Yeah.

00:27:31.000 I think it's jammed, though.

00:27:33.000 I'm doing three shows on Saturday and two shows on Sunday.

00:27:35.000 You'll love it. 0.99

00:27:35.000 I fucking love Chicago. 0.99

00:27:38.000 Chicago's incredible. 0.98

00:27:38.000 Cool vibe. 0.98

00:27:39.000 Ah, the best.

00:27:40.000 There's something fantastic about that town.

00:27:43.000 I mean, this is a mess right now as far as crime, especially with young urban kids, like the gang warfare.

00:27:51.000 Really?

00:27:51.000 In Chicago?

00:27:52.000 Yeah, it's horrible.

00:27:52.000 Like gang fighting and murders.

00:27:55.000 A lot.

00:27:56.000 A lot of that going on.

00:27:57.000 That's unpleasant.

00:27:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:59.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that shit going on. 1.00

00:28:01.000 It's got one of the highest murder rates in the country. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Really?

00:28:04.000 Mm-hmm.

00:28:04.000 Oh.

00:28:05.000 Yeah, when I was there...

00:28:07.000 I barely ever played there.

00:28:08.000 You never played there?

00:28:09.000 I know, I have, but barely.

00:28:10.000 Did you ever do it with me?

00:28:11.000 I just did it with you.

00:28:12.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:28:13.000 You fucked my ass. 1.00

00:28:14.000 I thought it was like a week ago. 1.00

00:28:17.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:28:17.000 I forgot. 0.99

00:28:19.000 It'll be all different material if you come out with me.

00:28:21.000 I'm not going to repeat any of that stuff.

00:28:24.000 Um...

00:28:24.000 Derf.

00:28:27.000 There's a type of person that comes from the Midwest.

00:28:31.000 They're like grounded.

00:28:33.000 Genuine?

00:28:33.000 Yeah, there's sort of a genuine, grounded quality.

00:28:36.000 A lot of hard-working people, a lot of people that have worked on farms, a lot of people that have families that worked on farms, people that came over here, their relatives came over here a long-ass time ago.

00:28:46.000 You know what I saw there once, though?

00:28:47.000 I saw, it was one of the early days I went there with you.

00:28:50.000 And there was this, they put us into like a VIP area, those nightclubs.

00:28:55.000 And some girl was flirting and then she came in and sat with us. 1.00

00:29:00.000 I was like, yeah, sure, yes, come on in.

00:29:02.000 And then as soon as she went in, some girl behind the rope bumped her and she just gave her this look like, excuse me, you need to keep out of here. 0.99

00:29:09.000 This is my area right now.

00:29:11.000 She just took it over. 0.99

00:29:13.000 She kicked a girl out of them? 1.00

00:29:15.000 I'm so confused.

00:29:16.000 She just got invited into some VIP area and immediately started acting like she was better than everyone else. 0.99

00:29:20.000 The first time I saw that in girl behavior. 0.99

00:29:23.000 Oh, I see where you're saying.

00:29:24.000 She was somehow the queen all of a sudden.

00:29:26.000 Yeah, people can be gunty.

00:29:27.000 That's not good.

00:29:31.000 I definitely explained that the least.

00:29:34.000 You might be too hard to talk right now.

00:29:35.000 That's possible.

00:29:36.000 My tolerance went down in New York.

00:29:38.000 Might want to slow your roll.

00:29:39.000 Yeah, the New York thing is a bummer, huh?

00:29:41.000 Yeah.

00:29:42.000 It's such a horrible way to live.

00:29:45.000 For folks who don't know, alright?

00:29:47.000 I mean, I'm not saying this like this is the way you have to live.

00:29:51.000 I'm just letting you know.

00:29:52.000 In Los Angeles, it is unbelievably ridiculously easy to procure marijuana.

00:29:57.000 Yeah, you just pull over.

00:29:59.000 It's essentially legal.

00:30:01.000 It's essentially legal.

00:30:02.000 If you have a medical license, it's legal.

00:30:05.000 If you don't have a medical license, it's decriminalized.

00:30:10.000 That's one of the things that Arnold did when he left office. 1.00

00:30:14.000 As long as you're not smoking weed and driving like an asshole, it's pretty fucking legal. 1.00

00:30:20.000 You're doing it in the privacy of your own home. 1.00

00:30:22.000 Cops don't give a shit. 0.99

00:30:23.000 I had a cop in my window give me a lecture about texting with a half-smoked bowl in the middle. 0.99

00:30:28.000 He's leaning in for two minutes.

00:30:30.000 They don't care.

00:30:31.000 They don't care. 1.00

00:30:32.000 What people are concerned with, especially police officers, is people that are fucking dangerous. 1.00

00:30:36.000 That's what they're concerned with. 0.99

00:30:37.000 If you see a guy texting, that's dangerous. 0.89

00:30:40.000 If you see a guy and his van looks like Cheech and Chong, that guy's probably driving really fucking slow as the smoke leaves his cracked window.

00:30:50.000 That guy's going to be, he's probably going to be really scared to merge, but other than that...

00:30:53.000 In Maryland, I couldn't figure it out.

00:30:55.000 Even with my friend, we wanted to smoke pot, but we couldn't do it at each other's parents' house.

00:30:59.000 So we just got in the car.

00:31:00.000 We got no other options.

00:31:02.000 But then your car smells like weed.

00:31:03.000 That's the problem.

00:31:04.000 You got to make that choice.

00:31:05.000 You make that choice to smoke in your car, your car's always going to smell like weed.

00:31:09.000 No, just for like 10 minutes. 1.00

00:31:10.000 Bullshit! 1.00

00:31:11.000 Unless you close doors right when you finish smoking. 1.00

00:31:13.000 You get one of those pot-smoking dogs, come there a month later, you'll be like...

00:31:19.000 It smells like weed.

00:31:20.000 I found weed in my car on the way to the airport this time that was in the center console for maybe a year or two.

00:31:26.000 I didn't try it yet.

00:31:28.000 I was on the way to the airport.

00:31:30.000 I know edibles lose their potency.

00:31:33.000 They do?

00:31:34.000 Yeah, they go away.

00:31:35.000 It goes away almost entirely.

00:31:37.000 It gets to the point where they don't do anything.

00:31:40.000 But they only have like a certain...

00:31:42.000 Tom McCormick explained it to me once, but I don't remember.

00:31:44.000 I gave Tony some weed that was in the back of my fridge for like three years once.

00:31:47.000 He's like, if you want it, you can have it. 0.99

00:31:49.000 And he goes, yeah, I got me high as fuck. 1.00

00:31:51.000 Wow. 0.99

00:31:52.000 Well, I guess maybe the dried plants, it's different than when you cook it.

00:31:58.000 It's like the cooking aspect of it, I think, or the putting it into an edible form.

00:32:03.000 Something about like...

00:32:04.000 Spiciness goes away if you leave the top off too long.

00:32:07.000 Does it really?

00:32:07.000 Yeah.

00:32:08.000 Like, of what?

00:32:09.000 Let's say you have a thing of the red sauce.

00:32:12.000 Not the sriracha sauce, but the ones with all the...

00:32:15.000 The seeds in them.

00:32:16.000 You ever see those?

00:32:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:17.000 Spreadable kind.

00:32:18.000 Okay, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

00:32:18.000 If you take the top off that and just let it, like, oxygenate.

00:32:23.000 Is that scientific?

00:32:24.000 A lot of the spiciness goes away. 0.90

00:32:25.000 No.

00:32:25.000 Really?

00:32:25.000 No, it's just observation.

00:32:26.000 Really?

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:27.000 Hmm.

00:32:28.000 That's interesting.

00:32:29.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:32:29.000 You're the one who turned me on to that fucking shit. 1.00

00:32:32.000 What is that stuff that you gave me? 1.00

00:32:33.000 That bomb?

00:32:34.000 It's a bomb?

00:32:34.000 Oh, it's so good.

00:32:35.000 Oh, my God.

00:32:36.000 It's a thing of spaghetti.

00:32:37.000 He gave me this hot sauce that looks like...

00:32:40.000 So small.

00:32:42.000 It even has a nuclear warning sign on it.

00:32:46.000 It has a little nuclear sign on it.

00:32:48.000 It's such a small bottle.

00:32:50.000 How horrific could this stuff possibly be?

00:32:54.000 Everyone's always like...

00:32:55.000 It's such a small bottle.

00:32:56.000 How are they so confident to sell me that much hot sauce?

00:32:59.000 Is it just that one pepper?

00:33:01.000 The ghost pepper?

00:33:02.000 Yeah, ghost pepper.

00:33:03.000 I don't know if it's ghost pepper.

00:33:04.000 It might be that caspicum...

00:33:07.000 Capsaicum.

00:33:08.000 Capsaicum, yeah.

00:33:09.000 Well, let's find out.

00:33:10.000 See, da bomb?

00:33:11.000 D-A. D-O-M-B. Oh, you got it. 0.76

00:33:15.000 Habanero peppers.

00:33:17.000 Yeah.

00:33:17.000 That's it?

00:33:18.000 No, that's not it.

00:33:19.000 That's a different one.

00:33:20.000 There's a death one.

00:33:21.000 There's three in there. 0.93

00:33:22.000 The black one? 1.00

00:33:22.000 There's the little tiny death one. 1.00

00:33:25.000 Whatever the little tiny death one is.

00:33:27.000 That one?

00:33:27.000 The final answer?

00:33:28.000 What is that?

00:33:29.000 Is it bomb dropping in the middle?

00:33:31.000 No, that's...

00:33:32.000 Is that it?

00:33:33.000 But literally three drops into a plate of spaghetti and marinara sauce.

00:33:37.000 Three drops and then mix up the whole thing.

00:33:39.000 Is that the same sauce?

00:33:40.000 It looks different.

00:33:41.000 I guess they have a bunch of different flavors.

00:33:44.000 That's what it is.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, there's a few different flavors.

00:33:45.000 Okay, this is it.

00:33:46.000 The bomb beyond insanity.

00:33:48.000 That's it.

00:33:49.000 This is the one.

00:33:50.000 See this one right here?

00:33:51.000 Yeah.

00:33:52.000 That's it.

00:33:54.000 Yeah, well, whatever. 0.98

00:33:56.000 Whatever the fuck the name of this stuff is. 0.99

00:33:58.000 I got cocky. 0.99

00:34:00.000 Did you really?

00:34:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:34:01.000 I put like a half a teaspoon of that shit in. 1.00

00:34:03.000 And I took your suggestions. 1.00

00:34:06.000 I think it was, no.

00:34:08.000 It was either spaghetti or it was chicken noodle soup from Jerry's Famous Deli.

00:34:14.000 You took my suggestion, what, and doubled it?

00:34:16.000 I took your suggestion and put it into spaghetti.

00:34:18.000 I put it in noodles.

00:34:21.000 Actually, I'm pretty sure that it was the chicken noodle soup, because I get that all the time. 0.99

00:34:25.000 But holy fuck, I was in agony. 0.99

00:34:28.000 I was like, this is the most ridiculous hot sauce of all time. 1.00

00:34:31.000 It's got a good flavor to it, though. 0.98

00:34:33.000 It does, but I went to war.

00:34:35.000 I went to war with my body. 1.00

00:34:38.000 Shit it out. 0.99

00:34:39.000 It says habanero pepper enhanced with habanero-infused flavor create a sauce measured at 119,700 Scoville units of heat. 0.98

00:34:50.000 Wow.

00:34:51.000 Wicked beyond belief.

00:34:52.000 To give you a context, a jalapeno pepper is 2,500. 0.97

00:34:55.000 That is insane.

00:34:57.000 119,700 Scoville units of heat.

00:35:01.000 It's so hot.

00:35:03.000 I did the same thing on a plate of spaghetti.

00:35:04.000 I took like a whole teaspoon, ate one bite, fought on the ground for a while, dumped the whole thing back into the whole tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot.

00:35:12.000 I didn't think that it was just habanero.

00:35:15.000 It seemed so strong.

00:35:16.000 I felt like it had to be more than habanero.

00:35:18.000 There's voodoo in there. 0.99

00:35:19.000 There's not some voodoo in there.

00:35:21.000 I've had really good habanero sauce and, you know, real strong stuff, but it was nothing like that.

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:28.000 That was so off the deep end.

00:35:30.000 So good.

00:35:30.000 You ever have El Yucateca?

00:35:32.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

00:35:32.000 That's my shit. 1.00

00:35:33.000 They said that at the griddle. 1.00

00:35:34.000 That's my shit. 1.00

00:35:35.000 The Mexicans know how to make the best hot sauce, period, dude. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Their habanero sauce, that El Yucateca, it's delicious.

00:35:41.000 It's hot, but it's also really delicious. 0.98

00:35:44.000 Like, I put a lot of that shit on my eggs, and it's got a lot of heat, but it's still, the taste is so good. 0.99

00:35:51.000 Yeah, a lot of people don't understand that. 0.99

00:35:52.000 It's a lot about the taste.

00:35:53.000 Yeah.

00:35:53.000 It's the pain that goes with the good taste.

00:35:56.000 Yeah, you don't want to just suffer like an asshole. 1.00

00:35:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:59.000 Do you ever get challenged when you put a bunch of hot sauce on something and be like, drink this whole thing then. 1.00

00:36:03.000 Drink this whole thing at Tabasco.

00:36:05.000 And you're like, I'm not trying to win a challenge.

00:36:08.000 Yeah, what?

00:36:08.000 Come on.

00:36:09.000 It's like your dad, if he catches you smoking a cigarette, wants you to smoke the whole pack. 1.00

00:36:13.000 Listen, bitch, I just wanted to try cigarettes. 1.00

00:36:15.000 You have to fucking stuff them in my face. 1.00

00:36:18.000 Yeah, smoke the whole pack. 1.00

00:36:19.000 Did you hear about CVS? What happened with CVS? Oh, they're not going to sell cigarettes anymore.

00:36:23.000 Not going to sell tobacco products at all.

00:36:24.000 I think it's weird that they did anyways or how they sell alcohol.

00:36:27.000 They sell alcohol and it's supposed to be a place to get medicine.

00:36:29.000 Yeah, this is what I thought.

00:36:30.000 For the longest time I was blaming all these Philip Morris like, oh, they know it's addictive. 0.99

00:36:34.000 They're still fucking putting it out there. 0.95

00:36:35.000 But then you're like, oh, what about the people selling it? 0.99

00:36:38.000 They know too.

00:36:39.000 They've read the stats.

00:36:40.000 They're just making money off it.

00:36:41.000 They could easily do what the CVS is doing.

00:36:45.000 Especially in pharmacies. 1.00

00:36:47.000 Well, it's weird, man, because there's part of me that says, hey, I want to be able to buy cigarettes if I was an idiot. 0.99

00:36:53.000 If I was an idiot and I decided to start smoking cigarettes, I'd want to be able to buy them. 1.00

00:36:56.000 I don't give a fuck if CVS sells them. 1.00

00:36:59.000 If CVS wants to keep selling them... 0.98

00:37:01.000 I get it if you don't want to make them illegal, but... 1.00

00:37:03.000 Some health place does not have to sell the fucking agents of death. 0.99

00:37:06.000 That is kind of creepy that it's a CVS. Yeah. 1.00

00:37:08.000 I think about it that way.

00:37:09.000 Yeah, because they have tequila, they have alcohol, and then they have medicine on the next side.

00:37:14.000 Yeah.

00:37:15.000 That just makes no sense.

00:37:16.000 I mentioned on Twitter, all these people are like, oh, they still sell candy, they still do this.

00:37:19.000 I'm like, guys, it's a good thing.

00:37:21.000 It gives people less, like, direct access, easy access to a harmful product.

00:37:25.000 It's just good.

00:37:26.000 And somebody's like, well, they're just going to get all this business from the insurance companies now.

00:37:30.000 And it's like, yeah, they should get rewarded.

00:37:32.000 That you get rewarded?

00:37:33.000 Yeah, when you do a good thing, it's nice when those people get rewarded.

00:37:36.000 It doesn't make it bad. 0.99

00:37:38.000 The idea that you could just sell things that you know are going to kill people is pretty fucked up. 0.98

00:37:43.000 Yeah, how are they not held liable? 0.98

00:37:44.000 I mean, it's not even something that gets you...

00:37:47.000 There's something about...

00:37:49.000 There's a willingness when you decide you're going to drink.

00:37:52.000 If we're at a comedy club, you want to do shots?

00:37:56.000 Alright, we're doing shots.

00:37:57.000 There's this thing that happens when you decide that you're going to drink that is beneficial.

00:38:04.000 There's camaraderie in it.

00:38:05.000 There's fun in it.

00:38:07.000 There's happiness to it.

00:38:08.000 If you're doing it right, you can enjoy the experience of having a couple of drinks.

00:38:14.000 But the experience of smoking cigarettes is just death.

00:38:18.000 I mean, that's all it is.

00:38:19.000 No, it's nice when you get in a good circle with people. 0.99

00:38:21.000 Yeah, but it's not changing your fucking state. 0.99

00:38:24.000 I mean, it might be giving you a little bit of a stimulation, right? 0.99

00:38:26.000 It gives you a stimulant sort of effect, right?

00:38:29.000 Yeah.

00:38:29.000 That's what they say.

00:38:30.000 It's just a friendly thing.

00:38:31.000 That's what hurt me the most is not smoke when you see like a bunch of people just in a circle.

00:38:35.000 I'm like, I want to be part of that.

00:38:37.000 Right, right.

00:38:38.000 Yeah, there's a thing people do.

00:38:39.000 People like to do that with cigars.

00:38:41.000 They like to sit around cigars and smoke with a bunch of guys.

00:38:43.000 Now it's really weird because all the comics are using these things, so you just see circles of people using these fake electronic hookahs.

00:38:50.000 Well, those are better for you, man.

00:38:52.000 What do you think of those? 1.00

00:38:52.000 Those are fucking better for you. 1.00

00:38:53.000 That shit is better for you than cigarettes, period. 1.00

00:38:56.000 This is great for me for... 1.00

00:38:59.000 Like for chain smoking or when I'm inside.

00:39:02.000 It's like chain smoking is the thing I would do.

00:39:03.000 I wouldn't even think about it.

00:39:04.000 I'd be like working and I'd be smoking, put it out.

00:39:06.000 I'm like, wait, where's my...

00:39:06.000 Oh, I already put it out.

00:39:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:39:08.000 So that's good for like the in-betweens and when I'm driving and traffic.

00:39:12.000 Big Jay's been like a two-pack-a-day smoker for like years and years.

00:39:15.000 And he's gone like 120 days just on those.

00:39:17.000 They help people quit.

00:39:19.000 The good thing about this is besides like the blue cigarettes and like those little...

00:39:23.000 Disposable nicotine ones.

00:39:24.000 You don't get any kind of satisfaction from that.

00:39:27.000 Oh, really?

00:39:28.000 That one looks too much, though.

00:39:30.000 It looks too big.

00:39:31.000 You're calling attention to yourself.

00:39:33.000 You're calling attention to yourself.

00:39:35.000 What is that?

00:39:35.000 It's a whole device.

00:39:36.000 It's a bunch of smoke, though.

00:39:38.000 It's curved to the top.

00:39:39.000 It's not even straight on.

00:39:41.000 You're angry.

00:39:42.000 You're Joey Diaz.

00:39:42.000 It's just too much attention.

00:39:44.000 It's just too big.

00:39:45.000 Why is it too much attention?

00:39:46.000 Because it's like, look at this thing I'm doing.

00:39:48.000 I'm doing something different.

00:39:49.000 Everyone look.

00:39:50.000 Is that what it is, or is there any benefit?

00:39:52.000 The ones that look the same size, I get that.

00:39:55.000 Alright, a blue tip goes off fine.

00:39:57.000 I'll tell you what.

00:39:57.000 You mean like a...

00:39:59.000 There's oil in there.

00:40:00.000 Blue cigs?

00:40:01.000 Yeah, those blue cigs, yeah.

00:40:02.000 The difference is this battery lasts a long time, and it has a lot of juice in it.

00:40:06.000 It looks like an electric toothbrush.

00:40:08.000 It does look like an electric toothbrush.

00:40:10.000 It looks like one of those things that they put in your ear to look around.

00:40:15.000 It has a readout also.

00:40:16.000 It tells your temperature.

00:40:17.000 And it also tells you how many hits you've had, and it also says, like, what, your battery life?

00:40:21.000 Really?

00:40:21.000 Wow.

00:40:23.000 That is a trick.

00:40:23.000 Let me see that thing, man.

00:40:24.000 And what's really cool is that they have these bars now in Los Angeles that are huge bars, and they're like mixology bars.

00:40:30.000 So you go and you're like, yeah, I want cotton candy, but Pez? 1.00

00:40:32.000 And they go, okay.

00:40:33.000 Oh, and make it of those?

00:40:35.000 Yeah, and it's like these, like, it's almost going to, like, a bar.

00:40:37.000 Okay, Ari, you're wrong.

00:40:39.000 What?

00:40:39.000 This thing's dope.

00:40:40.000 Take a hit of it.

00:40:41.000 You wear fanny packs.

00:40:42.000 I do wear fanny packs.

00:40:44.000 I sell fanny packs.

00:40:46.000 Do you really?

00:40:46.000 I'm selling them now at Higher Primate.

00:40:48.000 I got a beautiful one from Roots with the Higher Primate logo on it.

00:40:51.000 With boots?

00:40:52.000 Roots.

00:40:53.000 You know, Roots, the company that makes bags.

00:40:54.000 They make leather bags.

00:40:55.000 Yeah, they made me one with a Higher Primate logo on it.

00:40:58.000 Well, I got it from Dice.

00:41:00.000 Dice came in and he had sweatpants on and this fanny pack.

00:41:05.000 And I was like, oh, that's a beautiful fanny pack.

00:41:07.000 I'm like, where'd you get that?

00:41:08.000 He's like, oh, yeah, it's from Roots.

00:41:09.000 It's the best.

00:41:10.000 And he's showing me the fanny pack.

00:41:11.000 And so I got the Dice Clay fanny pack.

00:41:15.000 I want one.

00:41:16.000 You can get one.

00:41:16.000 I'll get you one.

00:41:17.000 My fanny pack is a Dice Clay inspired.

00:41:19.000 I just ordered some sweatpants online.

00:41:21.000 I'm waiting to get them.

00:41:22.000 And I'm just going to start wearing sweatpants.

00:41:23.000 No, you're not.

00:41:24.000 Do not do that.

00:41:25.000 Yeah, I am.

00:41:26.000 No.

00:41:26.000 No, do it.

00:41:27.000 Do it.

00:41:27.000 I'm going to wear track suits.

00:41:28.000 No, don't do that.

00:41:29.000 They're comfortable.

00:41:30.000 No, stop it.

00:41:31.000 No, he's got a thing.

00:41:32.000 Why not?

00:41:33.000 I agree with this.

00:41:34.000 Why not?

00:41:34.000 They're not!

00:41:35.000 They're comfortable.

00:41:36.000 I'm not worried about that look.

00:41:38.000 They have those new sweatpants, too, that look like pants.

00:41:40.000 Have you seen these things?

00:41:40.000 It could not go out like that.

00:41:41.000 That's ridiculous. 0.94

00:41:42.000 It could not go out like that. 0.96

00:41:42.000 If you're wearing sweatpants, you've got to wear sweatpants. 0.96

00:41:44.000 You're a fool. 1.00

00:41:46.000 You can't put fucking racing stripes on a Cadillac. 1.00

00:41:48.000 That's just stupid. 1.00

00:41:49.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:41:50.000 That's dumb. 0.98

00:41:51.000 If you're going to wear sweatpants, they're sweatpants. 0.99

00:41:53.000 Make them look like sweatpants.

00:41:54.000 Are they going to have a crease in it that makes it look like a tuxedo?

00:41:56.000 I'm going to start wearing tracksuits.

00:41:57.000 Please don't do that.

00:41:58.000 Please do not.

00:41:59.000 I cannot sit with you if you do that.

00:42:00.000 You can.

00:42:01.000 You'll be fine.

00:42:02.000 You'll be fine.

00:42:03.000 I supported you through your cardigan days.

00:42:05.000 I never said a word. 1.00

00:42:06.000 I never shit on your fucking terrible dress habits. 1.00

00:42:09.000 I never did. 1.00

00:42:11.000 How dare you say that you wouldn't support me for athletic wear.

00:42:13.000 That's just preposterous.

00:42:14.000 If you're doing athletics, I can see it.

00:42:16.000 I'm an athletic guy.

00:42:17.000 I like to move around.

00:42:19.000 I need some clothes that don't hold me down.

00:42:22.000 See, these are sweatpants, but they look like regular pants.

00:42:25.000 Oh, that's nice.

00:42:26.000 I would wear those.

00:42:27.000 I'd wear those, yeah.

00:42:29.000 I actually would love to wear those.

00:42:30.000 That actually seems like something that I would wear every day.

00:42:32.000 Those do not look like sweatpants. 0.99

00:42:34.000 You're looking at right at his cock, aren't you? 0.99

00:42:36.000 You can't help it. 0.99

00:42:37.000 I looked at it.

00:42:38.000 I looked at it for a full three or four seconds.

00:42:40.000 This is Joe, and he's going to be wearing Cookie Monster sweatpants.

00:42:42.000 That's me.

00:42:43.000 It's beautiful.

00:42:45.000 It'll be covered with cat hair.

00:42:47.000 I'll show you how much of a bait I am.

00:42:50.000 I'm all for the tracksuits.

00:42:52.000 I think that needs to make a comeback.

00:42:53.000 I hate wearing jeans.

00:42:55.000 We're so concerned with what kind of clothes we wear.

00:42:58.000 People who are really into style, they're always annoying.

00:43:03.000 They're almost always annoying when they start talking to you about, this is Gucci, this is Fendi, this is Ralph Lauren.

00:43:11.000 My artist friend told me that there's all these older artists and they're getting a little successful and they have sleeves, but they're like, oh, I only wear these type of shoes.

00:43:17.000 There's nothing wrong with being into clothes.

00:43:20.000 There's nothing wrong with enjoying.

00:43:22.000 I think clothes are artwork.

00:43:24.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:43:25.000 But there's people that are really obsessively into style and kind of snobbish about it. 0.98

00:43:32.000 That's a weird thing to give a fuck about. 1.00

00:43:34.000 You give a fuck that this guy has paint on his pants? 1.00

00:43:36.000 If you and I are hanging out and you have paint on your pants, I could give zero fucks. 1.00

00:43:40.000 Is that a better thing? 0.98

00:43:41.000 Whatever you want.

00:43:42.000 No, I'm just saying if you choose to wear a type of shoe, or you choose to wear...

00:43:45.000 Like, I make fun of Callum's shoes all the time.

00:43:47.000 In Portland, you can wear anything you want.

00:43:49.000 You should be able to wear anything you want everywhere.

00:43:51.000 But someone who's into, like, rigid style, like, oh, that's out of style.

00:43:55.000 That's out of style. 1.00

00:43:56.000 Says fucking... 0.99

00:43:57.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:43:59.000 Says fucking who. 0.99

00:44:00.000 You tell me what the hell board decides what's in style and not in style. 1.00

00:44:05.000 Wear whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

00:44:07.000 If you want to wear some sweatpants, wear some fucking sweatpants. 1.00

00:44:10.000 And anyone who cares is an idiot. 1.00

00:44:12.000 You fool. 1.00

00:44:14.000 You care that that guy's walking around in sweatpants? 1.00

00:44:16.000 Why do you give a fuck? 0.99

00:44:18.000 Why would anybody care even slightly? 0.99

00:44:21.000 That someone's walking around wearing sweatpants.

00:44:23.000 In the office?

00:44:24.000 In the boardroom? 1.00

00:44:26.000 What do you give a fuck? 1.00

00:44:27.000 You have to wear that weird stupid outfit that you wear with these stiff corners, these sharp edges and a tie around your neck and cufflinks that are so fucking stupid you have to stick some metal extraneous pieces in there and tighten up. 1.00

00:44:44.000 It's better without the buttons. 1.00

00:44:44.000 Links, because your collar folds over. 1.00

00:44:47.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:44:49.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:44:50.000 With your shiny, stupid, hard-soled shoes. 1.00

00:44:53.000 Why do you have wood in your shoes? 1.00

00:44:55.000 The bottom of your shoe is wood?

00:44:57.000 Really?

00:44:58.000 There's wood in your shoe? 0.99

00:44:59.000 What is it, fucking 1812? 0.99

00:45:02.000 Are you living in Denmark? 1.00

00:45:04.000 You have clogs on, you fuckhead? 1.00

00:45:06.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:45:07.000 Why would you have leather, shiny leather, on the bottom of your toes? 1.00

00:45:12.000 Do you know how slippery and stupid that is? 0.99

00:45:15.000 It can't scuff them at all. 1.00

00:45:16.000 What's with the tassels, you fucking halfwit? 1.00

00:45:19.000 You like tassels in the front of your shoes, you idiot? 1.00

00:45:22.000 I don't like that. 1.00

00:45:23.000 What is that, extra fancy, you fucking tard? 1.00

00:45:26.000 They're leather tassels. 1.00

00:45:27.000 It's so childish and silly and ancient and retarded and dumb-de-dumb-de-dumb. 1.00

00:45:33.000 Who cares how you dress? 1.00

00:45:35.000 You know, I dress all summer long in New York.

00:45:37.000 I would put on flip-flops, shorts, no shirt, and just get high and walk around.

00:45:41.000 Is that cool to walk around with no shirt?

00:45:43.000 No.

00:45:44.000 It's not?

00:45:45.000 No.

00:45:45.000 I mean, it's allowed, but even homeless people don't do it.

00:45:48.000 But it's not illegal?

00:45:49.000 Uh-uh.

00:45:50.000 Hmm.

00:45:51.000 What about women then? 1.00

00:45:53.000 Can women walk around topless? 1.00

00:45:55.000 I know that's been fought for, right?

00:45:57.000 In Columbus, Ohio, you can.

00:45:58.000 Portland, you can be topless.

00:46:00.000 Really?

00:46:01.000 Yeah, at least tassels.

00:46:02.000 Oh my god.

00:46:04.000 That's a style, man.

00:46:05.000 It's tassels on top of tassels.

00:46:06.000 It looks like a saddle.

00:46:07.000 Oh my god.

00:46:07.000 You need ayahuasca.

00:46:10.000 If you wear tassels in your shoes, you need ayahuasca.

00:46:14.000 I've had shoes like that.

00:46:15.000 Mother ayahuasca to take you away. 0.99

00:46:19.000 Have you ever done that stuff?

00:46:22.000 Ayahuasca?

00:46:22.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 Still have not.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, me neither.

00:46:32.000 Yeah.

00:46:49.000 Everybody's is very different.

00:46:50.000 So if you haven't personally experienced it, it's hard to try to put into context what they're saying, like how they're describing something.

00:46:58.000 You really have to experience it.

00:46:59.000 It's hard to put into words.

00:47:00.000 So one of these days I'll have to do it.

00:47:01.000 But the DMT flash, everybody that I've talked to or I've tried to piece together what they say about their experiences, It all seems like we're all talking about a similar place.

00:47:14.000 But it's hard to, it's so wanky that it's hard to put into, like, any context in the real world.

00:47:23.000 So the words that you use are all the wrong words.

00:47:25.000 That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God.

00:47:27.000 Like, there's no voice.

00:47:28.000 It's not like that.

00:47:29.000 There's no arm of God.

00:47:31.000 There's nothing that we can comprehend. 0.99

00:47:32.000 If it isn't, you know, when you do that, if it isn't you actually communicating with something, if it's all happening inside your head and it's all imaginary, god damn, your brain has some untapped potential. 0.98

00:47:44.000 Oh yeah, probably. 0.81

00:47:45.000 Because if that's in there, if that really is just our collective minds or really is just the depth of the potential of human thought and your ability to hallucinate or imagine things or your imagination in itself, the We're good to go.

00:48:28.000 Of course people think it's God.

00:48:29.000 I mean, maybe it is God.

00:48:30.000 And maybe what God is, is human potential.

00:48:32.000 It's greatest heights.

00:48:34.000 That's just what God really is.

00:48:35.000 Yeah.

00:48:36.000 It's just a concept.

00:48:36.000 And maybe we're just getting, you know, too much of it when you have a psychedelic experience.

00:48:41.000 It's too much, whatever the fuck, you know, that you're tapping into that gives you these insights. 0.96

00:48:47.000 I've seen it once, but I've never done it. 0.98

00:48:49.000 I watched it.

00:48:50.000 No.

00:48:51.000 The other stuff.

00:48:52.000 DMT. DMT? Yeah.

00:48:53.000 Well, I'm sure we can make that happen.

00:48:56.000 If you were willing to sign a few pieces of paper for the government and participate in this study, you should get in on the Rick Strassman studies.

00:49:06.000 What's the Rick Strassman studies?

00:49:07.000 He's doing it again.

00:49:07.000 What's he do?

00:49:09.000 He's the guy that wrote that book, DMT, The Spirit Molecule.

00:49:12.000 He was the first guy that was able to secure federal funding.

00:49:16.000 Funding for research?

00:49:18.000 Yeah, he's got a license to be able to do it.

00:49:20.000 I don't know if they funded it or if they allowed him to do it, but they allowed him to do intravenous DMT injections.

00:49:26.000 Intravenous?

00:49:27.000 Yeah.

00:49:28.000 The book's called DMT, The Spirit Molecule, and it's a fantastic book.

00:49:32.000 It's really interesting.

00:49:33.000 He's a scientist, and he's a...

00:49:36.000 I would donate my body to science for that.

00:49:38.000 He's a brilliant, brilliant guy, but he's also a really cool guy.

00:49:42.000 And he's really nice.

00:49:44.000 He's a really nice person.

00:49:46.000 And when you hear about his relaying of these people's experiences, the way he set everything up...

00:49:53.000 His willingness to track this idea down and try to see what it really is all about is really courageous.

00:49:59.000 For a doctor to do that, you can get in some weird situations where people think you're a kook.

00:50:05.000 But he's dealing with a real chemical.

00:50:08.000 Yeah.

00:50:08.000 They can't get funding to study mushrooms or the legalities to do it.

00:50:12.000 MAPS is starting to break some boundaries on that.

00:50:15.000 They're starting to make some headway.

00:50:17.000 Really?

00:50:17.000 Yeah, there was a John Hopkins University study on psilocybin.

00:50:22.000 MAPS is something multidisciplinary psychedelic studies.

00:50:26.000 I don't know what the actual...

00:50:28.000 Acronym, how it works, but it's probably the number one group as far as like really intelligently debating and promoting psychedelics.

00:50:39.000 Oh, wow.

00:50:39.000 And the study of psychedelics.

00:50:41.000 All brilliant, brilliant guys.

00:50:43.000 We had Rick Doblin, who's one of the guys from MAPS, one of the head guys.

00:50:47.000 We had him on the podcast and the guy couldn't have been cooler.

00:50:50.000 I told my suburban friend to take mushrooms.

00:50:52.000 Did you?

00:50:52.000 She's about to turn 40. Whoa.

00:50:54.000 Why are you trying to freak her out?

00:50:56.000 She was just like, I don't know.

00:50:57.000 I'm just like, yeah.

00:50:57.000 I told her, do it.

00:50:58.000 Do it with your husband.

00:50:59.000 Tell her to take mushrooms and listen to that U2 song. 0.91

00:51:02.000 Actually, watch it.

00:51:03.000 Watch it in a U2 video.

00:51:04.000 The one from Kimoff?

00:51:04.000 The one Fallon from Fallon.

00:51:05.000 Fallon, yeah.

00:51:06.000 Yeah.

00:51:07.000 Do you think when you get through a certain age, though, that it might be too scary to recommend somebody...

00:51:12.000 You sure you don't have herpes?

00:51:12.000 She said, I'll be scared.

00:51:14.000 I'm like, yeah, of course you'll be scared.

00:51:16.000 Yeah, but I mean, like, when you get to a certain age, you kind of also have that, like, I'm going to die.

00:51:20.000 No.

00:51:22.000 Oh, God.

00:51:22.000 It's a big hit.

00:51:24.000 What kind of flavor is this?

00:51:26.000 That's grape mixed with a little bit of... 1.00

00:51:27.000 You're a fucking child. 1.00

00:51:29.000 Pina colada. 1.00

00:51:31.000 You're a black child. 1.00

00:51:33.000 I didn't get anything. 0.99

00:51:34.000 Yeah, you have to hold the button the whole time.

00:51:35.000 You can kind of like puff on it almost.

00:51:39.000 That's kind of the way to do it best.

00:51:41.000 It's puffing on it.

00:51:42.000 How'd you get a desk watch symbol in there?

00:51:44.000 Sticker fitted perfectly.

00:51:45.000 Oh, nice.

00:51:46.000 That's hilarious.

00:51:48.000 But you know, like when you're older, you kind of have like in the back of your head like, oh, you know, what if I'm having a heart attack because I'm 40?

00:51:54.000 Because I want to recommend it to somebody that's never done it the same way. 0.83

00:51:58.000 Just tell them that's a ridiculous notion.

00:52:01.000 She's never done anything like that before. 0.97

00:52:02.000 Yeah, tell her.

00:52:03.000 You know what, man?

00:52:04.000 You should let people do what they want to do.

00:52:06.000 If they want to live their whole life and never do mushrooms, you should let them.

00:52:09.000 I'm not going to force them to do it.

00:52:10.000 Shouldn't even bring it up.

00:52:12.000 Shouldn't even bring it up.

00:52:12.000 No, no, disagree.

00:52:14.000 Absolutely bring it up.

00:52:16.000 You think you should offer it up?

00:52:17.000 Yeah.

00:52:18.000 Really?

00:52:18.000 Yeah.

00:52:19.000 Well, I think if you want to fuck her, you should. 1.00

00:52:21.000 No, even if I don't. 1.00

00:52:23.000 I advise my male friends, too.

00:52:25.000 I try to get them to do it.

00:52:26.000 Do you really?

00:52:27.000 Yeah.

00:52:29.000 Not with me. 1.00

00:52:30.000 The last thing I want to do if I want to try to fuck a girl is do mushrooms with them. 1.00

00:52:33.000 Really? 1.00

00:52:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:34.000 Makes it weird.

00:52:35.000 And what if you freak out in front of her?

00:52:37.000 You ruin all chances.

00:52:38.000 Yeah, they don't feel like I can't.

00:52:39.000 They don't feel like held down.

00:52:41.000 Nah.

00:52:41.000 No way.

00:52:42.000 That's awesome.

00:52:46.000 Yeah, I think anything you do, whether it's mushrooms or smoke pot.

00:52:51.000 I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine last night about a friend of ours, and we were talking about how this dude could benefit from weed.

00:52:59.000 This is why he does this, because he doesn't smoke pot, so he doesn't have that paranoid, introspective thing that you get when you smoke weed.

00:53:08.000 You start really examining yourself in uncomfortable lights.

00:53:12.000 A lot of people who don't smoke weed who need to, that's like the quality that they're lacking.

00:53:16.000 So they have like this hubris.

00:53:18.000 So they can keep pushing forward.

00:53:19.000 No, you really do.

00:53:20.000 They keep pushing forward without considering, you know, how they come off to other people.

00:53:24.000 They just keep pushing forward.

00:53:26.000 Yeah.

00:53:26.000 They have this hubris.

00:53:28.000 You're like, come on, man.

00:53:29.000 Just smoke this and stop and think about yourself for a second.

00:53:32.000 People get caught up also.

00:53:34.000 You get caught up in going in a certain direction.

00:53:36.000 Did you see Wolf of Wall Street?

00:53:38.000 No, not yet.

00:53:39.000 Good.

00:53:40.000 It's good.

00:53:41.000 I really enjoyed it.

00:53:42.000 It's really good.

00:53:43.000 A lot of people say that Martin Scorsese, his movies are kind of formulaic.

00:53:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:48.000 But I say those people can go fuck themselves. 1.00

00:53:50.000 Because what he does is he knows how to do it, man. 1.00

00:53:54.000 I should.

00:53:55.000 I'm sorry.

00:53:56.000 So good with words.

00:53:58.000 For my next 1,500 words that I don't need, here's a picture.

00:54:02.000 Boom! 0.99

00:54:04.000 Um, he just knows how to make a movie that, like, it's different.

00:54:09.000 Like, he'll do things like, like, there's a part when Leonardo DiCaprio, like, you know, everyone's moving and talking, and they just stop talking, but there, there's no sound coming out, but he's walking towards the camera looking at you.

00:54:21.000 They've essentially completely cut out the sound of all the other people and he's talking to you.

00:54:24.000 It's like these weird little things that he does.

00:54:27.000 Like there's the chaos of the trading room floor.

00:54:29.000 And as Leonardo DiCaprio walks through it, there's no sound, just him talking.

00:54:34.000 He's explaining his life and the world that he lifted. 0.99

00:54:36.000 That's directorial shit that the director does. 0.99

00:54:37.000 He's saying something about something. 1.00

00:54:39.000 He's just dope.

00:54:40.000 He's just dope. 0.96

00:54:41.000 Martin Scorsese is just a master.

00:54:44.000 He's just a master.

00:54:44.000 He said he had this shot in Taxi Driver.

00:54:48.000 Where it's when you see a guy walking towards the camera, a character walking towards the camera, and then you see another angle cut right from there to the camera moving towards something.

00:54:57.000 That's the point of view of the guy we just saw.

00:54:58.000 Right.

00:54:59.000 So then they start having him pan across.

00:55:02.000 That view starts panning across the taxi place all the way around and around, and then it puts De Niro in the shot.

00:55:09.000 It was supposed to be his point of view, and all of a sudden he's in it.

00:55:12.000 And he just does stuff like that.

00:55:14.000 Yeah.

00:55:14.000 The shooting is just as crazy as this character is.

00:55:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:18.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:55:18.000 Deeper shit. 1.00

00:55:19.000 Gets you feeling loopy. 1.00

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:22.000 There's such an art to filmmaking.

00:55:25.000 I don't have any desire to ever do it.

00:55:28.000 No.

00:55:28.000 It seems like a lot of work.

00:55:29.000 Oh my god.

00:55:30.000 It seems like so much work. 0.98

00:55:31.000 But I appreciate the shit out of it. 0.88

00:55:33.000 I really, really appreciate someone who's really good at it. 0.99

00:55:36.000 Someone who just really knows how to make a movie that you go to see and you go, fucking A. That's a good guy. 0.98

00:55:41.000 American Hustle's a good goddamn fucking movie. 1.00

00:55:44.000 Yeah, I just saw that. 1.00

00:55:44.000 That's pretty good. 1.00

00:55:45.000 That's a good fucking movie, man. 1.00

00:55:47.000 That is a good fucking movie, man. 1.00

00:55:49.000 Christian Bale is such a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:55:53.000 Yeah, he's pretty good at everything. 1.00

00:55:54.000 Goddamn, he's good. 0.98

00:55:55.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:55:56.000 Do you ever see The Machinist? 0.98

00:55:57.000 And those women were fucking fantastic, too. 1.00

00:56:00.000 The chick from The Hunger Games. 0.99

00:56:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:02.000 The red-headed chick. 1.00

00:56:04.000 Goddamn. 1.00

00:56:05.000 Fantastic. 0.99

00:56:06.000 Did you see it, Brian?

00:56:07.000 What a movie.

00:56:07.000 Bradley Cooper was awesome.

00:56:09.000 You haven't seen it yet?

00:56:10.000 I don't see movies unless I have a girlfriend.

00:56:12.000 I just never think about them.

00:56:13.000 Yeah, I know what you mean.

00:56:14.000 Ladies, you hear that cry for help? 1.00

00:56:17.000 Don't let another season go by without Brian Redman finding a girlfriend.

00:56:22.000 I live a totally different life when I'm in a relationship. 0.99

00:56:25.000 When I'm in a relationship, I don't do shit. 0.97

00:56:26.000 I don't watch TV. I don't watch movies. 0.98

00:56:29.000 What do you do?

00:56:29.000 I don't play with dogs.

00:56:30.000 You just don't do anything? 1.00

00:56:32.000 Furious masturbation from the jump. 0.99

00:56:34.000 The alarm clock goes off. 0.99

00:56:36.000 The lube gets squirted.

00:56:38.000 And we begin the race.

00:56:43.000 I wonder if that's what it was.

00:56:45.000 Could be. 0.99

00:56:45.000 How many times you can masturbate in a day. 0.99

00:56:47.000 What do you think you get to? 0.99

00:56:49.000 Probably like three or four. 0.80

00:56:51.000 It's an orgasm.

00:56:51.000 No, you could do more than that in a day.

00:56:53.000 You start it right away.

00:56:54.000 The highest is about five or six for me, I would say.

00:56:56.000 You could get to seven or ten, I think. 0.99

00:56:58.000 Yeah, but by the end, what the fuck? 0.99

00:57:00.000 What kind of madness? 0.99

00:57:02.000 It's mostly just liquid.

00:57:03.000 I would be afraid of that madness filling my head with seeds.

00:57:07.000 What do you mean? 0.98

00:57:08.000 If I beat off seven times in a day, with the things that I need to think of in order to come after times five and six, the madness, the fucking crazy, Savage jeans that I have to tap into to get my last load off. 0.96

00:57:23.000 You should start off slow to give yourself more room. 0.96

00:57:25.000 I don't want those thoughts.

00:57:26.000 Start off by smelling your wife's pillow. 0.91

00:57:28.000 I don't want those thoughts, Ari.

00:57:29.000 And then move up from there.

00:57:29.000 I don't want those thoughts.

00:57:31.000 I don't want to hit cum number seven. 0.98

00:57:34.000 That's a person I don't like. 0.95

00:57:36.000 It would start to hurt, but you have to keep going.

00:57:38.000 I don't like that person. 1.00

00:57:40.000 I'm just going to fucking figure out how to cum, [... 1.00

00:57:45.000 Nothing about dead cats. 1.00

00:57:46.000 I'm going to fucking fuck the world. 1.00

00:57:48.000 I'm going to get these fucking loads out of time. 1.00

00:57:50.000 You go from being sensual to being a violent release of soldiers. 1.00

00:57:54.000 That's how you orgasm. 1.00

00:57:55.000 Thinking about just an angry release of demon soldiers flying out of your dick. 1.00

00:58:01.000 Fight! 1.00

00:58:04.000 Those boner pills make me masturbate a lot more. 1.00

00:58:06.000 Really? 1.00

00:58:07.000 I'm sure.

00:58:07.000 What are you taking and then strike out?

00:58:08.000 And then you're like, oh, well.

00:58:09.000 No, they just last for like 24 to 48 hours.

00:58:12.000 Have you ever looked up like what happens if you take that stuff a lot?

00:58:17.000 Nope.

00:58:21.000 You never even looked into it, huh?

00:58:23.000 No, I get pretty nervous, though.

00:58:24.000 Dude, I just went off Propecia.

00:58:25.000 Who did?

00:58:26.000 ProScar, whatever it was.

00:58:27.000 You should be off that stuff.

00:58:28.000 I read a bunch of side effects, and it was like depression, all stuff that maybe, I don't know, I think maybe stuff was caused by that. 0.99

00:58:35.000 Is that hair shit? 0.97

00:58:37.000 Yeah, I had a bad reaction to that stuff. 1.00

00:58:39.000 It killed my boners.

00:58:40.000 They have boneritis in there, too.

00:58:41.000 It killed my boners, and it also made me more tired.

00:58:47.000 Oh, really?

00:58:47.000 Like, when I would work out, I didn't have as much endurance.

00:58:49.000 When I got off of it, my boners came back with a vengeance, and it felt like I had more energy training.

00:58:56.000 And I was like, man, I wonder if that's affecting me in an extreme way.

00:59:00.000 Like, everybody has a different reaction.

00:59:02.000 It changes the way it processes testosterone.

00:59:07.000 Yeah, dihydrotestosterone.

00:59:08.000 You see, everybody has a different body's reaction.

00:59:11.000 It's so weird.

00:59:11.000 Some people, they're allergic to certain types of antibiotics, or they're allergic to penicillin, or they're allergic to...

00:59:18.000 People get weird rolls of the dice with your bodies.

00:59:22.000 It might be that my body didn't react to it very well, but I know I have a buddy who's on it.

00:59:27.000 There's no problems with it at all. 1.00

00:59:28.000 He's been taking that shit for like 10 years. 1.00

00:59:30.000 Probably most people don't. 1.00

00:59:31.000 Yeah, for me it was a problem.

00:59:33.000 But I didn't realize it was a problem until after I stopped taking it. 0.99

00:59:36.000 I ran out of it and all of a sudden my dick was like woken up from a coma. 0.99

00:59:42.000 Yeah, I'll just commit to going bald. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Just shave your head, man. 0.92

00:59:46.000 You look great when you shaved your head.

00:59:48.000 No, I did not.

00:59:49.000 Here we go.

00:59:49.000 Yeah, you did.

00:59:50.000 I did not like the shaved head.

00:59:51.000 Well, you don't have to, but I'm telling you, you look great with a shaved head.

00:59:54.000 We're all going to have shaved heads in five years.

00:59:56.000 Listen, there's a reason why the monks did it. 0.99

00:59:58.000 It's an I don't give a fuck move. 0.98

01:00:01.000 I mean, for me, it was a matter of aesthetics. 0.99

01:00:04.000 My hair was getting so gross. 0.99

01:00:06.000 It got down to the point where you shouldn't keep getting haircuts if every time you get your hair cut, your hair still looks like shit. 0.99

01:00:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:12.000 What am I paying you for? 1.00

01:00:14.000 Chop all this shit off. 1.00

01:00:16.000 But now that I've done it, I would have done it a long-ass time ago. 1.00

01:00:20.000 It's the easiest way to deal with it. 0.80

01:00:22.000 You've got a round head.

01:00:23.000 Yeah, it works.

01:00:24.000 I've got a good head for being bald. 0.62

01:00:26.000 But getting your haircut is so annoying. 0.98

01:00:30.000 Having to schedule that time out of your day and sit down and listen to some nonsense.

01:00:35.000 I had a cool hairdresser for a long time, my friend Gabriella.

01:00:39.000 Hairdresser.

01:00:39.000 She was a hairdresser from the news radio days.

01:00:42.000 Really?

01:00:42.000 Yeah, she's really cool.

01:00:44.000 Cool Italian lady from New York. 0.99

01:00:46.000 We've been friends for a long time, so I used to actually enjoy...

01:00:48.000 She probably kept me from cutting my hair off for a long time, just because I enjoyed hanging out with her.

01:00:53.000 I go to see her like once a month.

01:00:55.000 They have the coolest ones, man, on a shoot.

01:00:57.000 The wardrobe stylist, the wardrobe and the hairstylist are the only cool ones.

01:01:00.000 She's funny.

01:01:01.000 She's a funny New York, like, hard-ass cool lady. 1.00

01:01:05.000 The makeup people always hate me because of you, Joe.

01:01:07.000 Because you always had that rule of like, I never put makeup on, like on TV shows and stuff.

01:01:11.000 And so twice I've had to say, no makeup, I don't do that.

01:01:14.000 And they're like, what are you talking about?

01:01:15.000 You have to.

01:01:16.000 And I'm like, no.

01:01:16.000 You don't have to.

01:01:17.000 They tried to get me the other day when I was doing Fox Sports 1. I go, nope.

01:01:21.000 We're just going to put a little powder on it.

01:01:22.000 Nah, that's alright though.

01:01:24.000 This is what I look like.

01:01:25.000 This is exactly what I look like.

01:01:27.000 Let's go play games and pretend I look different than I look.

01:01:30.000 That's crazy.

01:01:31.000 You're going to smooth my skin out?

01:01:32.000 What are you going to do?

01:01:33.000 I let them do what they want to do.

01:01:34.000 You're going to light me funny and soft like I'm an angel?

01:01:36.000 What are you going to do? 1.00

01:01:37.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.99

01:01:38.000 I'm uplighting. 1.00

01:01:39.000 Look, man.

01:01:40.000 No one's perfect.

01:01:41.000 This is what I look like.

01:01:42.000 What do you look like?

01:01:43.000 Hi.

01:01:44.000 Ah, let's talk now. 0.99

01:01:45.000 Fucking relax. 0.99

01:01:46.000 You don't have to put makeup on people. 1.00

01:01:48.000 She got mad though.

01:01:49.000 She got upset.

01:01:49.000 Like, look, this is my job.

01:01:50.000 If you don't get makeup, they're going to stop hiring me.

01:01:52.000 You know what?

01:01:53.000 People are still going to want makeup.

01:01:54.000 So there's nothing wrong with makeup.

01:01:56.000 I wore makeup every day when I was on news radio.

01:01:59.000 Really?

01:01:59.000 Yeah, every time we filmed, they put makeup on me.

01:02:02.000 Yeah.

01:02:02.000 They just want to do it.

01:02:04.000 And I couldn't say no then.

01:02:05.000 You know, who was I? Anything I did to be a dick. 0.99

01:02:08.000 I was totally replaceable. 1.00

01:02:10.000 I was totally replaceable.

01:02:12.000 I was nobody.

01:02:13.000 Did you replace Ray Romano on that show?

01:02:14.000 Yeah.

01:02:15.000 I actually replaced the guy who replaced Ray Romano.

01:02:18.000 So they took...

01:02:18.000 Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, but they didn't shoot the pilot with Ray Romano.

01:02:21.000 No.

01:02:22.000 This is what happened.

01:02:23.000 Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, and he was working, but they decided somewhere in the middle of Ray's thing...

01:02:30.000 They weren't happy with what's happening.

01:02:31.000 I don't know if they weren't happy with him, or they decided to go a different way with the character, and he was right for their original idea.

01:02:38.000 In the beginning, when they're coming up with ideas, and they're throwing the ideas around for a pilot, it's not uncommon for them to change a character.

01:02:48.000 They decide they need a different dynamic.

01:02:50.000 They have all these different dynamics, and Rey was more of a laid-back...

01:02:54.000 Sort of a dynamic.

01:02:55.000 Like, that's who he is.

01:02:56.000 You know, when you see him on the show, you know, he's like a laid-back sort of a guy.

01:03:00.000 And I think they wanted someone who's a little aggressive. 1.00

01:03:03.000 Someone who's an idiot, who's like a male idiot that was going to do aggressive, stupid shit that leaves room for funny. 1.00

01:03:08.000 So I got lucky. 1.00

01:03:09.000 It was like, I came along after Ray was replaced by another guy.

01:03:14.000 Did they just have a fill-in for the guy?

01:03:15.000 He was in the pilot.

01:03:17.000 The other guy was in the pilot.

01:03:18.000 He didn't think he had a full-time job, right?

01:03:20.000 I don't know what he thought.

01:03:21.000 I don't know.

01:03:21.000 I don't know if maybe he was...

01:03:23.000 I remember seeing that pilot with another person guy.

01:03:24.000 Yeah.

01:03:25.000 Maybe if he was really good, they would have kept him.

01:03:27.000 Or maybe if he was what they were looking for, they would have kept him.

01:03:29.000 So then they did...

01:03:31.000 Do you know the funny thing about the audition?

01:03:32.000 Yeah.

01:03:33.000 The first stuff that they wrote, it was really interesting because it wasn't that funny.

01:03:40.000 It was more like matter-of-factly or it was more like setting up a character.

01:03:47.000 The jokes in them were very subtle.

01:03:50.000 It was like a behavior sort of a piece.

01:03:54.000 And a lot of guys like totally like tried to overdo it and try to make it like really funny.

01:03:59.000 It just wasn't really funny.

01:04:00.000 And they were saying they did that.

01:04:02.000 The writers did that because they wanted to make sure that no one would try to ham it up.

01:04:05.000 Oh, really?

01:04:06.000 Like if it's funny, it's funny.

01:04:07.000 You know, like say it to make it funny.

01:04:09.000 Like you know how to say it to make it funny or not.

01:04:12.000 But if it's not funny, don't pretend it is.

01:04:15.000 Everything doesn't have to be a joke.

01:04:17.000 Like, some things are not a joke, and some things are a joke just because you're creating a character.

01:04:21.000 Like, you know that character, so when the character does, like, typical things like that, that character would.

01:04:26.000 It was like a joke of recognition.

01:04:27.000 Right.

01:04:28.000 You know?

01:04:28.000 Yeah.

01:04:29.000 So then the second time I came in for the second audition...

01:04:32.000 When I say a penny on the ground near Barris' feet, I'll always go pick it up.

01:04:34.000 Yeah.

01:04:35.000 I won't call it, I'll just pick it up and, like, put it in my pocket and let him go, like, oh.

01:04:40.000 I just saw it.

01:04:40.000 Well, you guys have like routines.

01:04:42.000 Yeah, I'm saying we have that go-to things.

01:04:44.000 Yeah.

01:04:46.000 Based on what you know already.

01:04:48.000 But the second time I went in for the audition, they wrote something really funny.

01:04:52.000 I was like, whoa, this is hilarious.

01:04:54.000 It was really good stuff.

01:04:55.000 So then, you know, they had narrowed it down to a group of people that they thought were, you know, not going to ham it up.

01:05:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:05:01.000 And then they gave the smallest group, the remaining group, shit to be funny with. 0.98

01:05:07.000 Oh, right. 0.99

01:05:08.000 So they were super intelligent.

01:05:09.000 Who else was close for it?

01:05:11.000 I don't know.

01:05:11.000 I didn't know those guys.

01:05:12.000 Oh.

01:05:13.000 There was just a couple guys.

01:05:15.000 But I remember there...

01:05:18.000 There's one thing that gives you confidence.

01:05:20.000 It's to see other people falling apart sometimes.

01:05:23.000 Who did you see fall apart?

01:05:24.000 The guy who was auditioning.

01:05:25.000 One of the guys who was waiting to audition.

01:05:27.000 How did he fall apart?

01:05:28.000 What did he do?

01:05:28.000 He was visibly sweaty.

01:05:30.000 He was sweaty.

01:05:32.000 Sweat was dripping down his head.

01:05:34.000 Really?

01:05:34.000 And he was going over the lines in this really weird, frantic way.

01:05:41.000 He was kind of mouthing the lines while he was sitting there, but it was like...

01:05:45.000 He was falling apart. 1.00

01:05:47.000 He was like, no, shit, fuck. 1.00

01:05:48.000 What, really? 1.00

01:05:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:50.000 There was something he was doing that gave me massive confidence.

01:05:53.000 And I remember thinking, oh, if I just gotta audition, this guy's gonna fall apart.

01:05:57.000 One down.

01:05:58.000 I guess, you know, it's probably one of those guys that had been in Hollywood.

01:06:02.000 Like, look, when you're coming out here and you're trying to audition for shows, it's totally a crapshoot.

01:06:07.000 You could get super lucky on the very first show, you get cast, and all of a sudden you're on a television show.

01:06:13.000 It probably helps if it's early where you don't really know the stakes.

01:06:16.000 Yeah, maybe it does, but it also helps if you just get lucky and you are what they're looking for. 0.99

01:06:21.000 But you could also be here for 20 years and never get cast in shit. 0.99

01:06:26.000 That's possible too. 0.99

01:06:28.000 Especially if you have the wrong look or the wrong, you know, whatever you're trying to do.

01:06:32.000 You always used to say, everybody in this town, three auditions away from being a star.

01:06:36.000 Yeah.

01:06:36.000 Three auditions away.

01:06:38.000 Yeah.

01:06:38.000 Everybody.

01:06:39.000 Every single person.

01:06:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:06:41.000 I mean, look, there's some fucking really untalented people on television right now that are stars. 0.98

01:06:45.000 Stars of reality shows. 0.99

01:06:47.000 I mean, really untalented people. 1.00

01:06:49.000 Are you really going to chew into the microphone, you motherfucker? 1.00

01:06:52.000 Roseanne was out here for, what, a week or a day? 1.00

01:06:55.000 And she got, you know, passed at the comedy store, and then she got a TV show, like, quickly thereafter.

01:07:00.000 Roseanne?

01:07:00.000 For real?

01:07:01.000 Yeah, she had a crazy ride.

01:07:02.000 She was in Denver.

01:07:04.000 She started out in Denver.

01:07:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:06.000 She got really good in Denver.

01:07:07.000 That's a credit for her.

01:07:08.000 Yeah, by the time she came...

01:07:10.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:07:12.000 There's a kind of an attitude that Denver people have.

01:07:16.000 They're friendly folks, but there's a hard edge to that place.

01:07:22.000 I mean, they're in the Rocky Mountains. 0.99

01:07:23.000 They have bears and shit there. 0.98

01:07:25.000 It's like... 0.99

01:07:26.000 We're good to go. 0.99

01:07:44.000 There's people dealing with the fucking elements every day. 0.99

01:07:46.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:07:47.000 And then from there, she's in L.A., and there's no comics like her.

01:07:51.000 No, she's talking about what it's like to be a housewife. 0.75

01:07:54.000 Yeah, and killing. 0.99

01:07:55.000 Killing, too. 1.00

01:07:56.000 Killing! 1.00

01:07:56.000 She's probably hard to follow. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Oh, you could never follow her, man.

01:08:00.000 Yeah.

01:08:00.000 Do you remember people that have a...

01:08:02.000 I mean, dude, folks who weren't alive when Roseanne Barr first hit, she's like...

01:08:09.000 Her voice annoyed me, but then I gave it another shot a few years later and I was like, oh, this show's pretty good.

01:08:13.000 She's a great comic. 1.00

01:08:15.000 You think so?

01:08:15.000 Yes.

01:08:16.000 Especially back in the day.

01:08:18.000 Especially when she first made it.

01:08:20.000 She, to me, is one of the most influential comedians ever.

01:08:23.000 Really?

01:08:24.000 Yep.

01:08:24.000 Because for women, there had never been a woman like her before.

01:08:27.000 She's the Kinison version of a woman. 1.00

01:08:29.000 There'd never been a woman like that before. 0.95

01:08:30.000 I wish her she had like 30 minutes, though.

01:08:32.000 I don't know, man.

01:08:33.000 She did more than one special.

01:08:35.000 I mean, she didn't maintain that level of stand-up once she became super famous and had the TV show. 1.00

01:08:40.000 It was good for the attitude of like, no, this is just who I am.

01:08:42.000 I'm not trying to be anything.

01:08:43.000 She was badass, dude. 1.00

01:08:45.000 Before she got a television show, when she was just doing stand-up, she was badass. 0.99

01:08:49.000 There was no women like her before. 1.00

01:08:50.000 She was a total new thing. 0.99

01:08:52.000 She was an overweight white woman who didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:08:57.000 Didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:08:58.000 And she had kids, and she didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:08:59.000 She sent Mitzi a black rose. 1.00

01:09:01.000 A dead rose.

01:09:03.000 Yeah.

01:09:04.000 Why'd she do that? 1.00

01:09:05.000 She wanted to send a message.

01:09:06.000 I don't know.

01:09:07.000 A message?

01:09:07.000 Because they fought with each other.

01:09:08.000 Black roses are the rarest of all roses.

01:09:11.000 Black roses?

01:09:12.000 Well, it's a nice thing to send, then.

01:09:14.000 Unless it's voodoo attached.

01:09:16.000 Oh, maybe it is.

01:09:17.000 She might have some voodoo on it. 1.00

01:09:18.000 Roseanne believes in a lot of wacky shit. 1.00

01:09:20.000 She's out there sometimes. 1.00

01:09:21.000 Oh, dude.

01:09:21.000 She's so out there.

01:09:22.000 She's like Area 51 out there.

01:09:23.000 She won't touch hands, too.

01:09:24.000 She's one of those. 0.98

01:09:25.000 Really?

01:09:26.000 Very rarely will touch hands.

01:09:27.000 She'll touch my hands.

01:09:27.000 Oh, wow.

01:09:28.000 Congratulations.

01:09:30.000 Thank you very much.

01:09:31.000 I feel pretty good about it.

01:09:32.000 Don't get mad at me.

01:09:33.000 Why not?

01:09:34.000 Why not?

01:09:34.000 You haven't even met her, bro.

01:09:35.000 I did meet her.

01:09:36.000 She wouldn't shake my hand.

01:09:37.000 For real?

01:09:37.000 Yeah, Alan Stevens introduced me to her.

01:09:39.000 In a fucking office building. 1.00

01:09:41.000 What on the street? 1.00

01:09:42.000 Wow, that's sad.

01:09:43.000 I'm sorry.

01:09:44.000 It's alright.

01:09:44.000 I was just thinking like, come on, it's not acceptable to say I don't shake hands.

01:09:48.000 Just don't do that.

01:09:51.000 Well, what about people that are like crazy ADD and worried about diseases?

01:09:56.000 What do those people do if they're not famous?

01:09:58.000 Obsessive compulsive?

01:09:59.000 Do they just die?

01:10:00.000 I don't know, man.

01:10:01.000 I mean, you can't do that at the plant.

01:10:03.000 Right.

01:10:04.000 You can't.

01:10:05.000 No one's going to accept that. 1.00

01:10:06.000 At the plant, everybody's in the Flintstones and working at the fucking plant. 0.99

01:10:09.000 Oh, I don't shake hands. 0.99

01:10:11.000 What?

01:10:12.000 What are you...

01:10:14.000 No way.

01:10:15.000 Yeah, why is that allowed, right?

01:10:17.000 Yeah, I think it has to be like...

01:10:19.000 It's a movie star thing.

01:10:20.000 Yeah, it's a fame thing.

01:10:22.000 Howard Hughes.

01:10:23.000 Well, I think we're...

01:10:24.000 I was saying...

01:10:24.000 I think we're uniquely fortunate in being stand-up comedians.

01:10:29.000 We're forced to look at ourselves all the time.

01:10:32.000 And I think if you want to think about someone who gets pushed into these weird boxes of power, you know, power that's sort of unnatural, you know, power that like...

01:10:44.000 Really, it doesn't exist anywhere in the natural world where someone is more famous than other people, so everyone around them is terrified of them. 0.96

01:10:55.000 And so what they do is they just have these situations where they have a show and throw soda at the fucking guy who's running the show. 0.87

01:11:05.000 We were talking about one of those Grace Under Fire, Brent Butler, apparently. 0.97

01:11:12.000 She only threw a coke in the face of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire. 1.00

01:11:16.000 Really?

01:11:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:17.000 And like fucking swore at him and said some nasty shit to him. 1.00

01:11:20.000 And then they canceled the show. 1.00

01:11:22.000 Oh yeah, she was like, I'm too big for this.

01:11:25.000 It's almost like it's total unnatural behavior to have this one person like Brett Butler.

01:11:30.000 Lack of repercussions.

01:11:31.000 Yeah, and being so famous.

01:11:34.000 And without thinking about yourself all the time, without examining, it must be a weird, weird, weird place to be.

01:11:39.000 You know what it is?

01:11:40.000 Hecklers, 75% of hecklers are cute women. 1.00

01:11:44.000 Cute to above women. 1.00

01:11:45.000 Trying to get some arch fear dick. 1.00

01:11:47.000 No, just trying to, like, they've never been told to shut up because they're too pretty. 1.00

01:11:50.000 There's a little of that.

01:11:51.000 There's a little confusion.

01:11:52.000 So they don't know.

01:11:53.000 They're like, this has nothing to do with you.

01:11:54.000 Be quiet.

01:11:55.000 Well, people get confused and think that because you're talking, they should be able to talk too.

01:12:00.000 Yeah.

01:12:01.000 Wait a minute.

01:12:01.000 You just can't talk.

01:12:03.000 You can't just be talking.

01:12:05.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:12:06.000 I don't agree with him.

01:12:07.000 I'm going to say something.

01:12:09.000 I'm going to say something.

01:12:10.000 Excuse me!

01:12:11.000 No, it's not cool.

01:12:13.000 No, it's not okay.

01:12:13.000 I kicked a girl out in Calgary.

01:12:15.000 She wrote letters to every one of the clubs I was booked at for the next 15 weeks.

01:12:19.000 Are you serious?

01:12:20.000 Yeah.

01:12:20.000 Saying what a horrible person I am and how she didn't do anything.

01:12:23.000 What happened?

01:12:24.000 I threw her out for being horrible.

01:12:26.000 She was talking all through the first guy, and then I started, and I was like, hey, stop, stop.

01:12:30.000 I saw you talking about 30 straight minutes.

01:12:31.000 You've got to be quiet.

01:12:32.000 We're not going to do that.

01:12:34.000 And then they were like, all right.

01:12:35.000 They did one more thing.

01:12:36.000 I told them to be quiet again, and then I heard her go, next subject. 0.95

01:12:39.000 And I was like, get out.

01:12:40.000 Just go.

01:12:41.000 Get out of here.

01:12:42.000 Front seats.

01:12:42.000 We got extra ones.

01:12:44.000 I just had to throw out my first person on a Thunder Pussy the other day for the same thing. 1.00

01:12:48.000 The girl was talking the whole time. 0.99

01:12:50.000 The boyfriend would not shut her up.

01:12:51.000 Yeah, the boyfriend doesn't shut her up.

01:12:53.000 He's just happy to be getting some.

01:12:54.000 You can't shut a girl up.

01:12:56.000 You either ask her to be quiet or you ask her to leave with you or you leave her there.

01:13:00.000 Or you leave her there, yeah.

01:13:01.000 You can't shut her up, man. 1.00

01:13:04.000 That shit never works. 1.00

01:13:05.000 Especially like a really mouthy woman. 1.00

01:13:07.000 Yeah.

01:13:09.000 That's what she likes to do. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Some people hold back all week long and then they like to get drunk.

01:13:16.000 Get drunk and get fighty.

01:13:17.000 Get crazy. 1.00

01:13:18.000 Get fucking aggressive. 0.99

01:13:19.000 It ruined my whole entire set because she was just fucking sitting there the whole time and I'm just like, alright, I couldn't take it anymore. 0.99

01:13:26.000 It happens. 0.98

01:13:27.000 It happens all the time.

01:13:28.000 It's weird. 0.98

01:13:30.000 It's the enemy of comedy sometimes but then sometimes it's fucking hilarious. 0.77

01:13:33.000 Sometimes it turns out to be something funny. 0.95

01:13:35.000 You know, we also have the advantage that we were comedy store comics.

01:13:39.000 There was no crowd control.

01:13:40.000 None!

01:13:41.000 None!

01:13:41.000 Zero!

01:13:42.000 Like, people would say, like, I would do, like, a show and someone would heckle, and it would go so well, people would say, was that planned?

01:13:49.000 Like, tell me, is that guy a plant?

01:13:50.000 Like, no, where'd you come up with all that stuff?

01:13:52.000 Like, when you start out at the comedy store, you go to war every week.

01:13:56.000 Not only is it not police, even when you come off and there's been a horrible heckler the whole time, no one then goes to the door guy and goes, oh, you should throw somebody out.

01:14:02.000 They just moan about it in the back to themselves.

01:14:05.000 Yeah.

01:14:05.000 Fucking ass.

01:14:06.000 And then the next guy deals with it. 1.00

01:14:07.000 The guy after that deals with it.

01:14:08.000 And nobody says something.

01:14:09.000 Yeah.

01:14:10.000 It's hilarious.

01:14:11.000 Guilty of it too.

01:14:11.000 That place was the worst.

01:14:12.000 Yeah.

01:14:13.000 There's no place.

01:14:13.000 Yeah, Sam Tripoli always thought that people were like, you throw him out if he was talking to the mayor, but not for me.

01:14:19.000 There's also an extra douchiness to that place because it's in Hollywood and it's a famous, iconic building.

01:14:25.000 So you would get these people that were like...

01:14:49.000 I'm still good. 0.99

01:14:50.000 Not only that, this guy ain't shit and I'm better than him. 0.98

01:14:53.000 I could be funnier than him. 0.99

01:14:54.000 Like, I've heard people...

01:14:55.000 It's like, you're a mattress salesman.

01:14:56.000 I've heard people in the audience.

01:14:57.000 You don't do this anymore.

01:14:58.000 I've heard people...

01:14:59.000 Well, there could be a comic or there could be an actor in their mind.

01:15:02.000 Yeah.

01:15:02.000 But it's just this extra douchiness of people that are out here.

01:15:06.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:07.000 It's like, it's an unchecked douchiness that you don't find that often in the East Coast.

01:15:11.000 It's a different kind of douchiness.

01:15:13.000 Yeah, unchecked. 1.00

01:15:14.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:15:15.000 Yeah, nobody like... 1.00

01:15:16.000 They don't have friends. 1.00

01:15:17.000 They don't have people that go, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:15:18.000 They have drunk hecklers in Boston, though. 1.00

01:15:20.000 It's a different kind of drunk.

01:15:21.000 Yeah, it is.

01:15:22.000 It's like out of control. 0.99

01:15:23.000 They're savages. 0.99

01:15:24.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:15:25.000 They're just like...

01:15:26.000 They're all blacked out already.

01:15:28.000 They're the descendants of wild savages that came over here on boats before there were movies.

01:15:32.000 I mean, just stop and think about that. 0.99

01:15:33.000 They didn't know what the fuck was over here. 1.00

01:15:35.000 These people are crazy. 1.00

01:15:36.000 The genetics of the first Irish that came to America? 0.99

01:15:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:40.000 Maniacs.

01:15:41.000 Who would get on the boat and survive it? 0.99

01:15:43.000 Who the fuck would do that? 0.96

01:15:44.000 Hey, we're thinking about going on a boat to a place that we can't really describe because, you know, we don't have any photos or anything because they haven't invented cameras yet. 0.99

01:15:52.000 But it'll take a few months.

01:15:54.000 Because they haven't invented cameras yet.

01:15:56.000 It'll take a few months and hopefully we won't die of starvation.

01:15:59.000 And by the time we get there, I mean, hopefully the savages won't eat your babies.

01:16:02.000 They won't shoot arrows into us.

01:16:04.000 But hopefully, I mean, they will.

01:16:06.000 They will eat a lot of your babies. 1.00

01:16:07.000 No, hopefully they won't.

01:16:08.000 You like your babies.

01:16:09.000 You don't want them to get eaten, otherwise you can't spread your seed across the country.

01:16:12.000 Wait, so when did we make enemies with the Indians?

01:16:14.000 Why did they attack and just steal the women and stuff? 1.00

01:16:17.000 Listen, everybody that lands in a country and invades a country is an attacker. 1.00

01:16:22.000 You know, you might not think of yourself as an attacker, you think of yourself as a colonist, but you're an attacker if you run into people that were already there.

01:16:28.000 It's just that simple.

01:16:29.000 Yeah.

01:16:30.000 You know, and you can say, well, hey, you know, they should make room for us, too.

01:16:33.000 Okay, maybe.

01:16:34.000 Well, maybe they don't want to.

01:16:35.000 Because it's theirs.

01:16:36.000 Yeah, and if you show any aggression to them, and you're taking food out of their children's mouths.

01:16:41.000 We've got to get these things out of here. 0.99

01:16:42.000 Yeah, and then there was also the fucking treaties that were broken and all the horrific crimes that they fucking... 0.99

01:16:49.000 Here's some smallpox blankets for you. 0.99

01:16:51.000 Yeah, all the horrific crimes that were perpetrated on the American Indy. 0.97

01:16:55.000 I mean, God, you start and hear those stories and think about it, and you hear about the slaughters and the fucking mass genocide and just the numbers. 0.98

01:17:07.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:17:08.000 You know what?

01:17:08.000 Australia, they're respectful of the Aboriginal people.

01:17:11.000 Yeah? 0.73

01:17:12.000 If one Aboriginal kills another one, the white people don't deal with it. 0.97

01:17:16.000 Really? 0.96

01:17:16.000 Like, you guys, it's on you to deal with this. 0.96

01:17:19.000 You know what freaked me out when I was there?

01:17:20.000 Because they had their own justice system.

01:17:21.000 What freaked me out when I was there was they were telling me about during the 50s, I guess it was, where they had this concerted effort.

01:17:29.000 They decided to take Aboriginal children from their parents and raise them in the white world to help them, to benefit them. 0.97

01:17:38.000 That's so egocentric to begin with. 0.98

01:17:41.000 Oh, it's so crazy and dark. 1.00

01:17:42.000 But the idea was that they were going to try to civilize these people, and the only way to do it would be to take their fucking kids. 1.00

01:17:48.000 Like, that was a real plan. 0.99

01:17:50.000 We're going to evolve them.

01:17:51.000 Yeah, man.

01:17:52.000 They took their kids.

01:17:54.000 Oh, wow.

01:17:55.000 They took their kids because they believed that their culture was better.

01:17:58.000 So much better.

01:17:59.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

01:18:00.000 You're an idiot if you don't think so. 1.00

01:18:01.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

01:18:05.000 That's so crazy that people could take people's children.

01:18:09.000 Yeah.

01:18:10.000 That's so crazy.

01:18:12.000 And, you know, apparently, like, they have a lot of the same issues that American Indians have with alcohol problems in their communities.

01:18:21.000 Iboriginals? 0.99

01:18:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:22.000 Iborigines? 0.65

01:18:22.000 Yeah, the Native Americans, apparently it's a genetic issue with a lot of them, that they don't have ancestors. 0.65

01:18:28.000 Because they grew up without it for so long.

01:18:29.000 Yeah, their ancestors didn't develop the tolerance, and they weren't accustomed to alcohol the way, like, Europeans were. 0.99

01:18:36.000 So apparently aboriginal people in Australia had a similar problem.

01:18:40.000 So a lot of them, there's a lot of alcoholism, a lot of real problems with... 0.99

01:18:44.000 I don't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have. 0.98

01:18:48.000 Even if they had their own alcohol, they didn't have wild turkey. 0.99

01:18:53.000 They didn't have any crazy tequilas. 1.00

01:18:55.000 They didn't have some shit. 1.00

01:18:56.000 Yeah, maybe they had some mead. 1.00

01:18:57.000 Yeah, they might have some fermented berry juice that kind of gets you high.

01:19:01.000 If you leave it out, chase off the flies.

01:19:03.000 Yeah, but they were so arrogant that they thought it was okay to take their kids.

01:19:07.000 Wow, that's so mean. 0.98

01:19:08.000 It's horrible.

01:19:09.000 Pulling a kid away from a mom. 0.79

01:19:11.000 Horrifying, terrifying, the ugliest aspects of humanity.

01:19:17.000 You know what I started to think recently?

01:19:19.000 What?

01:19:20.000 So I thought about Philip Morris.

01:19:22.000 The tobacco company.

01:19:23.000 And you think of their evil people trying to addict you even though they know it's already bad for you.

01:19:29.000 But they're not evil people.

01:19:30.000 They're just people that had a job there that are doing that stuff.

01:19:34.000 They're not these, like, all old men.

01:19:36.000 They're just people who got a job and now they're still doing that job.

01:19:39.000 Yeah.

01:19:40.000 Even though they know it's terrible.

01:19:43.000 Sort of.

01:19:45.000 Someone has to make the decision to sell cigarettes.

01:19:48.000 Yeah.

01:19:49.000 You could easily just say, oh, I'm not going to take this job in the accounting firm.

01:19:53.000 I think cigarettes are going to be a thing of the past. 1.00

01:19:55.000 I think the shit that he's sucking on, that kind of thing, is going to make much more sense for people. 1.00

01:19:59.000 If that stops killing people, why wouldn't they do it? 1.00

01:20:01.000 It's a nicotine distribution device.

01:20:03.000 It's definitely getting people into smoking these again, though.

01:20:06.000 It's helping the tobacco firms find a way to make money again.

01:20:11.000 Because they've all invested heavily in it.

01:20:13.000 Because new people are actually getting hooked on just to smoking nicotine now.

01:20:16.000 I've noticed.

01:20:16.000 What is the actual health differential?

01:20:21.000 What's the difference?

01:20:22.000 Those are outlawed in New York now.

01:20:23.000 Really?

01:20:24.000 Yeah, indoors.

01:20:25.000 Because they said secondhand smoke, even though there's vapor, but they said the problem is they put on their package...

01:20:33.000 It's safer than smoking cigarettes.

01:20:34.000 And they're like, you have to prove that.

01:20:36.000 You can't just say that.

01:20:37.000 You need to show me a study.

01:20:38.000 Yeah.

01:20:39.000 Yeah.

01:20:39.000 That is the problem.

01:20:40.000 You do have to prove that.

01:20:42.000 Yeah.

01:20:42.000 It's like some sort of carcinogen or something where it falls into the same category as cigarettes.

01:20:47.000 See, it doesn't seem like that blue cigarette stuff.

01:20:50.000 It lingers more.

01:20:51.000 Like smoke.

01:20:52.000 I don't smell it, though.

01:20:54.000 You definitely smell, because how I found out about this actual one, this girl was smoking it. 1.00

01:21:00.000 And it smelled like strawberries.

01:21:01.000 And I just walked by and I'm like, what?

01:21:02.000 What was that strawberry smell? 1.00

01:21:03.000 Is that your vagina? 1.00

01:21:04.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:21:06.000 And then she showed it to me and I'm like, oh, I'm winning that. 1.00

01:21:08.000 But it does smell.

01:21:09.000 And I can see if you don't like strawberry and then you walk around.

01:21:12.000 Come on, man.

01:21:13.000 I'm at the library.

01:21:14.000 Yeah, but people with perfume, man. 0.99

01:21:16.000 No, there's nothing wrong with that smell.

01:21:17.000 I smell it when you just did it, but it smells nice.

01:21:21.000 It's like a nice smell.

01:21:22.000 I didn't smell it.

01:21:22.000 Cigarettes are disgusting, man.

01:21:25.000 You used to come into the car after you smoked cigarettes. 0.70

01:21:27.000 Brian would pretend he wasn't smoking.

01:21:29.000 Oh yeah, it would stick to them in the cold.

01:21:31.000 Oh, and you'd come into the car and we would all smell it like, oh dude, that's nasty. 1.00

01:21:38.000 People don't like to hear that shit. 1.00

01:21:39.000 People that smoke cigarettes, especially. 1.00

01:21:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:42.000 They don't like to hear it.

01:21:42.000 No, you can't smell it.

01:21:43.000 Okay, fine.

01:21:44.000 I guess I made up the smell I just smelled. 0.97

01:21:45.000 It's so stinky. 1.00

01:21:46.000 You stinky fucks. 1.00

01:21:47.000 Yeah, in the cold. 1.00

01:21:47.000 In the cold, you come in. 1.00

01:21:49.000 It's stinky fuck. 1.00

01:21:50.000 It's awful. 1.00

01:21:51.000 Cigarette smells a stinky fucking smell. 1.00

01:21:53.000 And it's gross. 1.00

01:21:54.000 It's bad for you, too, fucks. 1.00

01:21:56.000 Wait, no. 1.00

01:21:56.000 Get it together. 1.00

01:21:58.000 It's bad for you.

01:21:59.000 Don't do it.

01:22:00.000 Get it together.

01:22:02.000 These will be very better for that.

01:22:03.000 It probably will take off.

01:22:04.000 It'll probably be the cigarette in 10 years.

01:22:06.000 It'll probably have to.

01:22:06.000 Well, this is the thing.

01:22:07.000 They say that nicotine is actually an effective cognitive boost.

01:22:12.000 It gives you like a little...

01:22:13.000 That was one of the things that Stephen King said.

01:22:16.000 When Stephen King stopped smoking cigarettes, he said he really felt it.

01:22:20.000 He really felt the difference in his synapses firing, is the way he described it, and writing his books.

01:22:25.000 Nicotine has like a sort of a stimulating effect on thinking and creativity for a lot of people.

01:22:31.000 But it's the tar and the tobacco that gets you.

01:22:33.000 Well, no, it's a lot of the chemicals.

01:22:37.000 There's like 590 chemicals that they add to cigarettes on top of the tobacco itself, all approved by our lovely government.

01:22:44.000 But these insane chemicals are essentially designed to change the flavor and to make it more addictive.

01:22:50.000 You know what they do with the nicotine?

01:22:52.000 They have a certain amount, they'll shoot it up real high, like all of a sudden, from five to like seven.

01:22:57.000 And then everyone has to smoke less cigarettes because it's like all of a sudden they're getting too much.

01:23:01.000 So they only smoke like half a cigarette or whatever.

01:23:02.000 And they're getting their fix of whatever they need.

01:23:05.000 And then they plummet it.

01:23:06.000 Once you get used to that, they plummet it down to like two.

01:23:09.000 Yeah.

01:23:09.000 And then you start smoking more because you're not getting what you need.

01:23:12.000 Then they push it right back up to average again.

01:23:14.000 Wait a minute.

01:23:14.000 They vary it?

01:23:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:16.000 But on occasion in order to get you fucking more addicted. 0.99

01:23:19.000 They do that now that they already know it causes death. 0.99

01:23:22.000 They're still trying to get you more addicted.

01:23:25.000 Well, I didn't know they could do that.

01:23:26.000 So they can vary the amount of nicotine they have.

01:23:29.000 How do you know this?

01:23:30.000 That's what a word on the street is. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:23:33.000 That's what I've heard from smokers. 1.00

01:23:35.000 I think Big J told me that.

01:23:36.000 It's a dark business, man.

01:23:38.000 Yeah.

01:23:38.000 That's for sure.

01:23:39.000 Especially if you've ever seen anybody that's dying of cigarettes, emphysema, people that are dying of lung cancer.

01:23:45.000 Yeah, I have not.

01:23:47.000 I thought James died of that, though.

01:23:49.000 Really?

01:23:50.000 Yeah.

01:23:50.000 He got a stage 4 tumor.

01:23:52.000 That's when they found it.

01:23:53.000 Whoa.

01:23:53.000 He was dead in like two weeks.

01:23:54.000 It wouldn't make any sense, and then gone.

01:23:56.000 Whoa.

01:23:57.000 Yeah.

01:23:57.000 Smoked a lot of cigarettes, that guy.

01:23:59.000 Smoked a lot of cigarettes.

01:24:00.000 Mike Lacey from the Comedy Magic Club.

01:24:04.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:04.000 Uh-huh.

01:24:06.000 He made you cry that time, Brian.

01:24:08.000 He was telling you to stop smoking cigarettes.

01:24:10.000 Oh, why was I crying?

01:24:11.000 Because he gets to you, dude.

01:24:12.000 He's so nice.

01:24:13.000 He's such a nice guy.

01:24:14.000 No, Brian, look at me.

01:24:16.000 Look at me.

01:24:17.000 We care about you.

01:24:18.000 We don't want you to die.

01:24:19.000 He did one of those, like Robin Williams.

01:24:21.000 Well, he's a legit, beautiful person.

01:24:23.000 Was it a breakup with a girl at the same day or something?

01:24:25.000 I don't know, maybe.

01:24:26.000 Yeah, your cat hurt its foot, so you were shoving cigarettes directly into your veins.

01:24:31.000 You were opening up veins, stuffing cigarettes.

01:24:33.000 I dreamt I stubbed a toe.

01:24:35.000 Yeah.

01:24:36.000 I dreamt I stubbed a toe. 0.98

01:24:38.000 I can't fucking hit anything. 0.98

01:24:40.000 I know that was so uncomfortable. 0.99

01:24:42.000 I cry pretty easy.

01:24:44.000 I almost cried the other day.

01:24:45.000 It's just what I'm drinking, I think, sometimes.

01:24:48.000 Maybe.

01:24:48.000 What you're drinking makes you cry?

01:24:50.000 Yeah, if I drink too much turkey, that's why I need to- Wild turkey?

01:24:53.000 I start crying.

01:24:54.000 It's beautiful?

01:24:56.000 Your body's breaking down.

01:24:58.000 You cry because something's beautiful? 0.98

01:24:59.000 Yeah, stuff like that, or I think about something ridiculous.

01:25:02.000 If you drink that much wild turkey, your body's breaking down.

01:25:05.000 It's just slowly dying.

01:25:07.000 It's getting poisoned.

01:25:08.000 It's moaning, like my old cat.

01:25:12.000 Have you had fireball, Joe?

01:25:15.000 Shot fireball?

01:25:16.000 Have you had fireball?

01:25:16.000 What is that?

01:25:16.000 It's been a while.

01:25:17.000 What is it?

01:25:18.000 Have you had it?

01:25:18.000 Yeah, it's like cinnamon-y, right?

01:25:20.000 Yeah.

01:25:20.000 What is it?

01:25:21.000 It's this shot that used to be popular when I was in college.

01:25:24.000 Goldschlager?

01:25:24.000 It kind of went away near the time of Goldschlager and Aftershock.

01:25:28.000 Like all those really weird shots.

01:25:30.000 But then it kind of went away and it came back and they like repackaged it and everything.

01:25:34.000 Now it's like everywhere you go it's everyone's drinking Fireball.

01:25:36.000 But it's my new drink.

01:25:37.000 Savages.

01:25:38.000 Savages.

01:25:38.000 Each and every one of you.

01:25:40.000 Cinnamon whiskey.

01:25:41.000 I wanted to talk to you guys about this Jerry Seinfeld thing.

01:25:43.000 Oh yeah.

01:25:44.000 Pull this up, Brian.

01:25:45.000 Pull it up.

01:25:46.000 It's on Gawker.

01:25:48.000 Gawker.com.

01:25:49.000 G-A-W-K-E-R. Just pull up Gawker.

01:25:53.000 It's like right on the front page.

01:25:54.000 It's who cares about diversity in comedy.

01:25:56.000 Says Jerry Seinfeld.

01:25:59.000 Yeah, that's not what you want.

01:26:01.000 Just look up...

01:26:02.000 But look up...

01:26:03.000 Just do a Google search on the title.

01:26:08.000 Diversity Jerry Seinfeld.

01:26:09.000 And he's getting just gawker diversity Jerry Seinfeld.

01:26:12.000 He's doing a public interview.

01:26:13.000 Yeah.

01:26:14.000 There's people around.

01:26:15.000 I don't want to comment on it until we actually pull the video up because I would like you to hear it from him first before we even comment on it.

01:26:23.000 Because it's an important subject for guys like Ari and I as comics... 0.92

01:26:29.000 There's like some shit that they're trying to attach to this. 0.98

01:26:32.000 Here. 0.99

01:26:33.000 Yeah, let's get into that.

01:26:36.000 Back up, back up, back up, back up.

01:26:38.000 I have noticed that most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes.

01:26:44.000 Yeah, let's get into that.

01:26:46.000 Take a look over here, Peter.

01:26:49.000 What do you see?

01:26:50.000 A lot of whiteys! 1.00

01:26:54.000 What's going on here? 0.98

01:26:58.000 Oh, this really pisses me off.

01:27:00.000 But go ahead.

01:27:01.000 Really pisses me off.

01:27:02.000 Well, that's okay.

01:27:03.000 Go ahead.

01:27:04.000 But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more.

01:27:09.000 You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians.

01:27:14.000 It's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals. 1.00

01:27:18.000 Yes.

01:27:19.000 And in the context of comedy, not gender diversity, I just want to know what you meant by that.

01:27:23.000 Well, I'm just kind of curious what it's like to be a woman In comedy, as opposed to a man, there's a little bit of a difference.

01:27:30.000 And I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective.

01:27:34.000 She's so successful at it.

01:27:35.000 And I'm just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it.

01:27:39.000 And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that.

01:27:43.000 But, you know, it's just another thing to think about.

01:27:46.000 Okay.

01:27:46.000 All right.

01:27:46.000 Fair enough.

01:27:47.000 But there were a lot of things about comedians and cars in the beginning.

01:27:51.000 The first ten I did, I think, were all white males.

01:27:53.000 And people were writing all about that.

01:27:56.000 That's part of the reason why I asked.

01:27:57.000 People had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld.

01:28:00.000 Ask him about their gender diversity on the show.

01:28:02.000 Yeah.

01:28:02.000 I mean, people think it's the census or something.

01:28:06.000 I mean, this has got to...

01:28:08.000 Represent the actual pie chart of America?

01:28:12.000 Who cares?

01:28:13.000 It's just funny.

01:28:14.000 You know, funny is the world that I live in.

01:28:18.000 You're funny, I'm interested.

01:28:19.000 You're not funny, I'm not interested.

01:28:21.000 And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that.

01:28:26.000 But everyone else is kind of, with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix?

01:28:32.000 You know, I think that's...

01:28:35.000 To me, it's anti-comedy.

01:28:38.000 It's anti-comedy.

01:28:39.000 It's more about, you know, PC nonsense than, are you making us laugh or not?

01:28:45.000 Right, right.

01:28:47.000 Yeah, well...

01:28:48.000 They went off on that and said that, see, it shows that he's, like, racist.

01:28:52.000 Well, I saw people, I saw a video, I don't even want to bring it up, I don't even want to pull the video up because I don't want to watch it again because it was so annoying, of people that were taking that and saying that that's a problem.

01:29:03.000 They're taking that.

01:29:03.000 He's not saying...

01:29:05.000 He's not saying, I don't care if you think I'm racist.

01:29:07.000 He's saying, I only care about what's funny.

01:29:09.000 He's trying to make things funny, and he's not concerned about making them diverse.

01:29:13.000 It's like if you think, oh, how can we have anybody with mustaches on your show?

01:29:16.000 Because I wasn't even thinking about that.

01:29:17.000 That's what he's saying.

01:29:18.000 You should be able to do creatively whatever you want, especially when your goal is to just make stuff funny.

01:29:24.000 Like, why should he have to?

01:29:25.000 I mean, if I watch a show with all Koreans in it, I don't get upset that there's no white people.

01:29:31.000 People say that, well, you know what, that's just because you're white and you're privileged and white people have the advantage.

01:29:37.000 There's an overall problem maybe of not using enough black people and not using enough people of color, but that's not each individual shoot's problem.

01:29:44.000 Well, it's not the best thing about this world that there's racism.

01:29:51.000 It's one of the worst things, right?

01:29:53.000 It's not the best thing about our culture that we aren't equally represented in the media.

01:29:58.000 It's not the best thing when you have to factor in populations, you have to factor in...

01:30:04.000 How long these people have been in the business?

01:30:07.000 How long these people have been in the business? 1.00

01:30:08.000 There's a lot of shit going on when you talk about putting a fucking show on television. 0.99

01:30:12.000 A lot of people think that once someone gets into a position where they have a successful show, then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse because they're representing America. 1.00

01:30:22.000 And they're supposed to give Opportunities to an equal percentage of the population.

01:30:28.000 They're trying to get me to do that for that storyteller show.

01:30:30.000 This is where it's a problem.

01:30:33.000 You're not talking about some government position.

01:30:37.000 What you're talking about is a creative thing that you're making. 0.98

01:30:40.000 If you're comfortable doing it only with black people, you should only do it with black people. 1.00

01:30:45.000 Then it becomes a problem. 0.98

01:30:47.000 I asked four or five girls. 0.83

01:30:48.000 None of them could do it.

01:30:49.000 I did my part.

01:30:51.000 What am I supposed to get somebody worse just because... 0.95

01:30:53.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

01:30:54.000 You should, especially like that, like the storyteller type thing, you should get whoever you think is good. 0.92

01:30:59.000 It's your show.

01:31:00.000 Things that you think are interesting. 0.87

01:31:01.000 But I know you, so I know if you find a woman who's a gay, black, There's also not that many black cameras at the clubs. 0.99

01:31:10.000 Seven foot tall woman, and she's really funny, you'll fucking love her, and you'll start talking about how great she is. 1.00

01:31:15.000 If she's a five foot nine white girl, you know, who's really cute, but she's really hilarious, you'll say she's really hilarious. 1.00

01:31:22.000 I know you don't give a shit about anything not funny, so it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here, because it's like, they're tricking him. 0.95

01:31:29.000 That's what you should be focused on. 0.98

01:31:30.000 But they're tricking him.

01:31:31.000 Yeah.

01:31:32.000 It's a set-up question.

01:31:33.000 It is a set-up question because it's kind of a goofy...

01:31:36.000 You know what he's trying to do when he's trying to make a good television show.

01:31:40.000 He's also pretty much...

01:31:42.000 Most of that show is him in a car getting coffee with his friend.

01:31:46.000 And look, there's cliques.

01:31:49.000 Yeah.

01:31:50.000 People have the people they hang out with.

01:31:51.000 And there's not that many black comics at the clubs.

01:31:53.000 There's nothing wrong with it.

01:31:54.000 That's the point.

01:31:55.000 It's just who he is and who his friends are.

01:31:56.000 Yeah, he did a show with those four people.

01:31:58.000 He's going to have them on.

01:31:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:01.000 You want him to force a black guy in. 1.00

01:32:02.000 It's like he's just having mostly his friends. 0.94

01:32:04.000 And look what happens when they had Chris Rock on, they got pulled over.

01:32:07.000 So it's just...

01:32:08.000 Did they?

01:32:08.000 Yeah, at the end of the episode, they got pulled over.

01:32:10.000 He should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. 0.98

01:32:12.000 It's his thing. 0.99

01:32:14.000 He should be able to do whatever he wants.

01:32:15.000 The idea that you should be even debating that he's got issues because what he wants is different than what you expect him to want.

01:32:23.000 Because it doesn't represent the exact numbers?

01:32:24.000 So he had 3 out of 20?

01:32:25.000 If he had...

01:32:26.000 5 out of 20 would have been okay.

01:32:27.000 There's nothing wrong with Sex and the City.

01:32:29.000 There's nothing wrong with a show that's only about women. 1.00

01:32:31.000 Sex and the City is horrible.

01:32:31.000 Yes, it is wrong.

01:32:32.000 No, if you're a woman and you were in your 40s when that shit came out, you would love it. 0.99

01:32:36.000 It's just wrong for Ari Shafir. 0.99

01:32:38.000 Yeah.

01:32:38.000 But for them, nothing wrong with that.

01:32:40.000 It's just women entertainment. 1.00

01:32:40.000 If it's a bunch of women doing shit for women, they should be able to cast whatever women they want to cast. 1.00

01:32:45.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:32:45.000 There shouldn't be a man that steps up and says, hey. 1.00

01:32:48.000 That was my favorite used to say about Lifetime Television.

01:32:50.000 It was a billboard of a girl holding a gun up, another girl holding another gun up, and then another guy behind her.

01:32:56.000 Like in The Force also.

01:32:57.000 And you're like, what is it?

01:32:59.000 Lifetime television.

01:33:00.000 It's like sci-fi for women. 1.00

01:33:03.000 Like this could never exist.

01:33:05.000 Yeah.

01:33:05.000 What are you talking about?

01:33:06.000 You're both hot and you're leading the squad?

01:33:08.000 Yeah.

01:33:09.000 Really?

01:33:09.000 And the guys behind you is back up.

01:33:11.000 Just accepting that role.

01:33:13.000 It is like sci-fi for women. 1.00

01:33:14.000 Yeah.

01:33:14.000 It is.

01:33:15.000 Wouldn't it be awesome if the world was like this?

01:33:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:17.000 There was a few of those fucking silly movies. 1.00

01:33:19.000 But that's okay for them, man. 1.00

01:33:21.000 If that's what they want, it's okay.

01:33:22.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:33:23.000 If that's what they want, black entertainment is so bad. 1.00

01:33:25.000 Whoa, what are you saying? 0.97

01:33:26.000 It's so bad. 1.00

01:33:27.000 What they feed them is fucking garbage. 1.00

01:33:29.000 You mean like Tyler Perry? 1.00

01:33:30.000 Is that what you're trying to say?

01:33:31.000 Yes, absolutely.

01:33:32.000 That's one.

01:33:33.000 It's just all of it.

01:33:34.000 It's so bad.

01:33:34.000 Have you ever seen like the CW, the black shows?

01:33:36.000 Which shows?

01:33:37.000 Whatever they are, over the years.

01:33:38.000 Moesha to the Wayans Brothers to whatever.

01:33:41.000 The Wayans Brothers?

01:33:41.000 How dare you?

01:33:42.000 It's just bad entertainment.

01:33:44.000 They're offering them.

01:33:45.000 They don't offer them anything of value.

01:33:47.000 You say them like there's some other people. 0.90

01:33:48.000 Yeah, they offer that group, the blacks. 0.67

01:33:51.000 I feel bad for them. 0.99

01:33:53.000 The blacks. 0.99

01:33:54.000 All their fucking black comedy movies. 1.00

01:33:56.000 It's like, what is this? 1.00

01:33:57.000 Soul Plane.

01:33:58.000 It's just goofy.

01:33:59.000 Well, whatever happened to Robert Townsend?

01:34:02.000 Yeah.

01:34:03.000 Remember, he used to do...

01:34:04.000 Hollywood Shuffle.

01:34:04.000 Yeah.

01:34:04.000 He did some really cool, funny movies.

01:34:06.000 Yeah, what happened to people like that?

01:34:09.000 It's really interesting because there's a bunch of known white comedy directors, like Judd Apatow.

01:34:16.000 Harold Ramis, over the years, there's been tons of them.

01:34:17.000 Guys who produce white... 0.97

01:34:19.000 Todd Phillips?

01:34:20.000 One of those.

01:34:24.000 They're producing white comedies, hilarious white comedies. 0.83

01:34:27.000 You don't hear about a lot of black guys that are doing that, it's so true. 1.00

01:34:30.000 But are they white comedies, or are they just comedies?

01:34:33.000 Well, they're not, because Craig Robinson is on a lot of them.

01:34:36.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:34:37.000 He was awesome in This Is The End.

01:34:39.000 He was really good in that. 0.99

01:34:41.000 Fuck yeah, he was. 0.98

01:34:41.000 I like the part where Michael Cera got stabbed by a thing, and he's like, somebody took my cell phone, and I start bringing his back pocket, and he's like, oh, that's really embarrassing. 0.98

01:34:50.000 That was a funny movie, man.

01:34:52.000 When Kenny Powers came in, that's when it became the most awesome movie ever. 0.98

01:34:55.000 He's such a dickhead. 0.88

01:34:56.000 He does that character so good. 1.00

01:34:57.000 Start washing his feet with their fucking, whatever water they had remaining. 0.99

01:35:02.000 Small amount of water. 0.99

01:35:03.000 But again, I mean, you should be able to make a show with whoever you want to make a show.

01:35:09.000 It doesn't make you a racist person.

01:35:10.000 And he's right.

01:35:11.000 It's irrelevant.

01:35:12.000 The terms you're talking about have nothing to do with that world.

01:35:14.000 That world, that's what he said.

01:35:15.000 It exists in funny.

01:35:17.000 That's it.

01:35:18.000 That's all that matters.

01:35:19.000 But the idea that you should have affirmative action in comedy.

01:35:23.000 That you should, you know, and that's essentially what they're saying.

01:35:25.000 They're saying that you should have to have X amount of women. 1.00

01:35:28.000 You should have to have X amount of black people. 1.00

01:35:30.000 If you don't, they're saying, wait a minute, do you have just a lot of white friends? 0.85

01:35:33.000 But then the problem is that you're making female comedy worse. 1.00

01:35:36.000 You're making it worse for advancing people without merit.

01:35:40.000 You're making it overall worse.

01:35:41.000 Well, you can, most certainly.

01:35:44.000 You know, the other argument would be that he just doesn't hang out in those cliques, so he doesn't know these funny women, and it would benefit everybody if he got to know them and had them on. 0.54

01:35:53.000 I could see that argument maybe if there was like a pool of talent that you knew that was like really fucking crackling that you wanted to have on your show.

01:36:01.000 But at the end of the day, it's who he wants to talk to.

01:36:04.000 Like when people say to me, like, why did you have a Bigfoot expert on? 0.98

01:36:07.000 Because I want to fucking talk to a Bigfoot expert. 0.83

01:36:09.000 You know, why do you have a bow hunting expert on? 0.98

01:36:12.000 Because I want to talk to a bowhunting expert.

01:36:13.000 I find it interesting.

01:36:15.000 You don't have to listen, you know, but if you want to, I will do my best to try to make it entertaining and I will try to ask the questions that I have.

01:36:23.000 I will try to explore as objectively and thoroughly as possible my perspective and my point of view.

01:36:30.000 So, I mean, somebody asked me the other day, like, how many gay people we had on.

01:36:33.000 Well, I don't know, like three or four or something like that, like maybe.

01:36:37.000 Melissa Etheridge, Todd Glass, Justin Martindale.

01:36:41.000 Who else?

01:36:42.000 We had some other ones.

01:36:43.000 Let's out somebody.

01:36:45.000 Yeah.

01:36:46.000 We had a few others. 1.00

01:36:48.000 Well, whoever the fuck it was. 0.98

01:36:50.000 You know, and someone was like, well, why haven't you had more? 0.99

01:36:53.000 I don't know.

01:36:54.000 Who cares?

01:36:55.000 Like, why do I have to?

01:36:57.000 Like, now I don't want to.

01:36:59.000 How about that?

01:36:59.000 You know, now you bring it up.

01:37:01.000 I'm annoyed. 0.95

01:37:01.000 But then it's also like, am I just not friends enough with black people or gay people? 0.95

01:37:06.000 Listen, man, anybody I find interesting, I'll talk to. 0.99

01:37:09.000 I give zero fucks about what they look like.

01:37:12.000 I don't care. 0.99

01:37:13.000 I don't care if someone's black or white or fat or skinny. 0.97

01:37:15.000 If they're interesting, they're interesting.

01:37:17.000 I don't care.

01:37:18.000 I really don't.

01:37:19.000 I don't care what kind of music you like. 0.99

01:37:21.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.98

01:37:22.000 I'm not judgmental on that stuff. 0.99

01:37:24.000 Please don't wear sweatpants.

01:37:25.000 I'll talk to anybody.

01:37:25.000 I'm sweatpantsin' it to death, son.

01:37:28.000 I'm into it.

01:37:28.000 I'm sweatpants in it.

01:37:30.000 I'm with a jacket, a nice tracksuit jacket, and a fat fanny back with my Higher Primate logo.

01:37:37.000 Have you seen the Higher Primate fanny pack, Ari?

01:37:39.000 I don't think so.

01:37:40.000 So sexy.

01:37:40.000 Let me see it.

01:37:41.000 So sexy.

01:37:41.000 Once you see it, you'll understand my passion.

01:37:44.000 This garment.

01:37:45.000 Eventually we'll all have purses.

01:37:47.000 But until then, the higher primate fanny pack is what's up.

01:37:50.000 I do think the men got the shaft on the accessible pouches.

01:37:54.000 Look at that beautiful leather.

01:37:55.000 Look at the front.

01:37:55.000 See that little higher primate logo?

01:37:57.000 It says higher primate?

01:37:58.000 Yeah, it's a monkey with a chimp with a light bulb above his head. 0.74

01:38:02.000 Like, I got an idea.

01:38:03.000 First idea.

01:38:04.000 First idea.

01:38:05.000 That's the higher primate.

01:38:06.000 That's the first step. 0.60

01:38:07.000 A curious chimp.

01:38:09.000 We used to always look through the checks at the comedy store to see who got what.

01:38:12.000 We were always like, who's Hire Primate?

01:38:14.000 There's a few we didn't know.

01:38:16.000 That's not my company.

01:38:17.000 My company's...

01:38:17.000 Well, I can't tell you.

01:38:18.000 You shouldn't say it online.

01:38:21.000 Everybody, keep it together.

01:38:24.000 But the Higher Primate fanny pack is just the beginning.

01:38:28.000 Nice. 1.00

01:38:29.000 From there, I'm going to launch a bunch of other gay shit. 1.00

01:38:31.000 Yeah, that pisses me off. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Did you see what Natasha did when she had that thing for New Year's Eve?

01:38:35.000 Yes.

01:38:36.000 Yeah.

01:38:36.000 People got mad at her.

01:38:38.000 It's dumb. 0.99

01:38:39.000 There's no reason to get mad. 1.00

01:38:40.000 It's so dumb. 0.98

01:38:41.000 And she made the best apology you could ever make. 0.99

01:38:44.000 It was perfect. 1.00

01:38:45.000 She was like, fuck you. 1.00

01:38:45.000 I'm not sorry. 1.00

01:38:46.000 You misunderstood it.

01:38:47.000 They're old.

01:38:47.000 Their teeth fall out when they're old.

01:38:49.000 That's the joke.

01:38:49.000 Well, not only that, she was pretty clear that she was just joking around.

01:38:53.000 It was pretty obvious that it was just her trying to... 0.97

01:38:56.000 Real veterans are being mistreated as they come home now.

01:38:59.000 That's the issue you should worry about if you want to honor the veterans.

01:39:02.000 It's a joke, and it's not that people were really upset.

01:39:05.000 It's that people think that they have the license to be upset and that they can get you in trouble.

01:39:09.000 That's what people are trying to do.

01:39:11.000 They're trying to get you in trouble.

01:39:12.000 They're not just trying to change things.

01:39:14.000 They're trying to get you in trouble.

01:39:16.000 So they can contact the network and say, you should do something.

01:39:18.000 I was offended!

01:39:19.000 She said this. 0.99

01:39:21.000 You don't have anybody in your family that says something that dumb occasionally. 0.99

01:39:24.000 They miss one. 0.98

01:39:25.000 They go for a little old person joke.

01:39:28.000 I want vengeance, and I deserve vengeance. 0.97

01:39:29.000 She should be fired out in the street. 1.00

01:39:31.000 But if an episode of a drama is not any good, you can't fire anybody.

01:39:34.000 Put her in the street! 1.00

01:39:36.000 What I want to see is if it's not such an innocuous joke, if it actually is a borderline rape or murder or pedophile joke where it's not completely nothing and it's not a cute woman doing the non-apology. 0.96

01:39:46.000 Right.

01:39:47.000 I want to see how people get that or if people like Chris Rock are going to puss out again like he did Tracy Morgan and just do a 180 and go from like, no, he can say whatever he wants to, well, alright, you go too far sometimes.

01:39:55.000 What happened?

01:39:57.000 Chris Rock, when Tracy Morgan had that thing with the gay... 0.96

01:39:59.000 He said he went too far?

01:40:00.000 Yeah, he just totally flipped his views.

01:40:01.000 Well, there's certain things that you feel like...

01:40:02.000 They called him overnight.

01:40:03.000 Wow. 0.99

01:40:04.000 There's certain things that you feel like you can't fucking endorse. 0.95

01:40:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:08.000 You know, and that kind of gay bash thing, like saying that he would stab his son if his son was gay. 1.00

01:40:15.000 People are like, oh, I can't endorse that. 0.99

01:40:16.000 I can't endorse that.

01:40:17.000 But if you know Tracy Morgan...

01:40:19.000 He's been doing that stuff forever.

01:40:21.000 That's what he does. 0.99

01:40:22.000 He says ridiculously outrageous shit that he doesn't really mean. 0.99

01:40:25.000 And now, because it's popular, you're going to go against it? 1.00

01:40:27.000 Say whatever he wants.

01:40:29.000 You know what he's doing.

01:40:31.000 Everybody knows what he's doing.

01:40:32.000 It's like a joke to pretend that he's not saying something completely outrageous that he absolutely doesn't mean.

01:40:38.000 How old you are?

01:40:40.000 Yeah.

01:40:40.000 That's what he said.

01:40:41.000 How old you are?

01:40:42.000 Are you 26?

01:40:42.000 You must be fast!

01:40:46.000 How fast your pee?

01:40:48.000 My pee's slow.

01:40:50.000 Yeah, he rubs his belly.

01:40:51.000 Someone getting pregnant. 0.90

01:40:52.000 He was slapping his belly on that TV show.

01:40:54.000 Someone getting pregnant tonight.

01:40:56.000 Tell you right now.

01:40:57.000 Someone getting pregnant. 0.90

01:40:59.000 You know, that's his whole thing.

01:41:00.000 It was a real rumor that he couldn't read.

01:41:01.000 A real legitimate rumor that people were talking about.

01:41:03.000 Well, Charlie Barnett couldn't read.

01:41:04.000 That's how he couldn't get on the Saturday Night Live.

01:41:06.000 Really?

01:41:07.000 Yeah, Charlie Barnett.

01:41:08.000 Charlie Barnett was Shave Chappelle's teacher?

01:41:12.000 Yeah, him and a lot of other guys.

01:41:15.000 When I was in New York, he was already not there anymore.

01:41:19.000 I don't know where he was.

01:41:20.000 He died of AIDS, I believe.

01:41:24.000 But he was like a guy who...

01:41:27.000 It was Dave Chappelle.

01:41:28.000 He sort of taught Dave Chappelle how to do...

01:41:31.000 Those street side shows, I think.

01:41:33.000 I might be talking out of school.

01:41:34.000 But I have seen Dave Chappelle do a street side show.

01:41:37.000 Dave Chappelle did it in Montreal.

01:41:39.000 It was pretty hilarious.

01:41:40.000 Really?

01:41:40.000 I mean, he was really young, too.

01:41:41.000 It was when I first met him.

01:41:42.000 I think he was probably like...

01:41:43.000 I first met him in New York, and then I saw him again up in Montreal when he was maybe like 19. He stood on the side of the highway?

01:41:50.000 Took his hat off, put his hat on the ground, and did a comedy show, and then passed his hat around.

01:41:55.000 Wow.

01:41:55.000 And people put money in it.

01:41:57.000 Wow.

01:41:57.000 This was before he was famous.

01:41:58.000 And he would just do it at the drop of a hat.

01:42:00.000 Just do...

01:42:01.000 Did you ever notice?

01:42:02.000 Just to make money.

01:42:03.000 It was funny.

01:42:04.000 It was good.

01:42:05.000 I wonder what tricks he must have developed to get the crowd.

01:42:08.000 He must have developed certain things in order to get them to gather around.

01:42:12.000 I think he would just call them around, and he looks like a guy who'd be fun to listen to talk, so people slow down.

01:42:18.000 Some folks are in a hurry and some folks aren't, and the ones that aren't, they circle them, and then he'll do a little five-minute comedy show and then pass a hat around.

01:42:26.000 I saw him do it in Montreal.

01:42:28.000 Apparently, Charlie Barnett used to do that, and he was legendary at it.

01:42:30.000 He was awesome.

01:42:31.000 He was awesome at being hilarious to a bunch of people off the cuff.

01:42:35.000 He had material that he would do, but he would also be off the cuff funny, and he would gather people around, and then he would hand out the hat, pass out the hat.

01:42:41.000 And that's how he would make some money.

01:42:43.000 And he became famous doing comedy, did a lot of stand-up, people loved him on stage, and then he got an audition for Saturday Night Live.

01:42:52.000 And apparently the word was that he got the part, but he couldn't read.

01:42:56.000 So since he couldn't read scripts, they couldn't hire him.

01:42:58.000 It's tough to work in that environment without being able to read.

01:43:01.000 Yeah, and apparently he had a problem with intravenous drugs.

01:43:05.000 He loved them.

01:43:07.000 Yeah, he found out about them.

01:43:08.000 That's the problem.

01:43:09.000 But he apparently was like...

01:43:12.000 I keep saying apparently.

01:43:14.000 Apparently I ran out of adjectives or words.

01:43:17.000 He was like one of the pioneers of that style of comedy.

01:43:22.000 Really?

01:43:23.000 Yeah.

01:43:23.000 All natural talking?

01:43:24.000 Yeah, well, not just natural talking, but like...

01:43:26.000 Knowing how to captivate a group and get everybody to settle down and put out a hat.

01:43:33.000 That's such a tough crowd that when you go onto a stage at a comedy club...

01:43:38.000 It must be nothing.

01:43:38.000 Yeah, it's like you're running uphill all day.

01:43:40.000 Whenever we saw those Thirsty Promenade people, everyone had the thought of, like, can I do comedy here?

01:43:44.000 Could I do it?

01:43:46.000 Yeah.

01:43:47.000 It's hard, though.

01:43:48.000 I've never seen anybody do it besides Dave.

01:43:50.000 I've never seen anybody just do, like, street comedy.

01:43:53.000 It just seems weird.

01:43:54.000 It does.

01:43:55.000 I've seen the goofy, like, the dancers will do comedy in between when they're going to make a dance.

01:44:00.000 Well, I don't think Dave would do it today.

01:44:02.000 I mean, I know he did do some shows in Seattle.

01:44:05.000 Remember when he wasn't doing official shows anymore?

01:44:08.000 He did a show in Seattle where he just showed up and brought a speaker and started doing stand-up in the park.

01:44:13.000 Wow.

01:44:15.000 Let's put it down. 0.97

01:44:16.000 Yeah, his career has been fucking fascinating. 0.93

01:44:20.000 He's a fascinating guy.

01:44:22.000 You ever have him on the podcast?

01:44:23.000 I would definitely, but I've never run into him.

01:44:25.000 I need to run into him.

01:44:26.000 I haven't run into him since I've been doing it.

01:44:28.000 He said he would do it.

01:44:29.000 I ran into him a couple times.

01:44:31.000 Yeah, I gotta get a hold of him.

01:44:32.000 He would be awesome to have on.

01:44:34.000 Yeah, I bet.

01:44:34.000 He's a good dude, man.

01:44:36.000 He's a funny fucking guy, too. 0.98

01:44:38.000 He's a funny guy. 0.99

01:44:39.000 He's been funny for a long time.

01:44:42.000 Dude, when he came back from Africa, he did that show in the main room.

01:44:45.000 I don't know if that was after you stopped going there or before.

01:44:48.000 I have that on tape.

01:44:50.000 Do you really?

01:44:50.000 In my car.

01:44:51.000 It was so packed and everybody was there. 0.99

01:44:54.000 Fucking Bruce Willis was there. 0.99

01:44:55.000 Soundgarden was there. 1.00

01:44:56.000 The fucking fire department showed up and just asked if they could sit on the steps to block the fucking escape. 1.00

01:45:02.000 Wow. 1.00

01:45:03.000 Everybody.

01:45:03.000 That was the ticket.

01:45:04.000 Did you see Kiss the other night was at House of Blues and there was like Arnold Schwarzenegger was there.

01:45:11.000 Stallone was there.

01:45:11.000 Paul's family is doing the podcast.

01:45:13.000 Oh really?

01:45:14.000 Yeah.

01:45:14.000 Dog the bounty hunter.

01:45:15.000 You got Eddie Bravo to come in too?

01:45:17.000 I don't know.

01:45:17.000 I don't know if Eddie can but I want to get Ace Frehley too.

01:45:22.000 I met Ace Freely when I was like seven years old.

01:45:24.000 How?

01:45:25.000 My uncle was an artist, and he worked for the advertising agency that created the album covers and the album art.

01:45:32.000 It was back when they had, you know, they were artwork.

01:45:35.000 I mean, the album would open up, especially two discs, like Kiss Alive 2, would have two records in it, and it would open up, and there's all these images, and advertising guys would put together these albums.

01:45:48.000 They made the artwork, so they hired artists, graphic artists, to create these things.

01:45:52.000 And Ace really came into the office.

01:45:55.000 I went to work with my uncle.

01:45:58.000 He took me to work with him, because I was an artist at the time, too.

01:46:00.000 I was really into art.

01:46:01.000 And so he wanted me to see what his office was like, in case maybe I wanted to do it someday.

01:46:07.000 And I just so happened to be...

01:46:08.000 He took me in a couple times, but I just so happened to be there the day that Ace Freely arrived.

01:46:12.000 Was he wearing his makeup or anything?

01:46:13.000 No makeup.

01:46:14.000 That's why I was so crazy.

01:46:16.000 Because at the time...

01:46:18.000 It was, like, no one knew what they looked like.

01:46:21.000 They would walk around with bandanas over their face.

01:46:23.000 Really?

01:46:23.000 Yeah, it was a big thing.

01:46:24.000 Like, photographers were constantly trying to catch them.

01:46:26.000 Oh, wow.

01:46:27.000 Yeah, they were trying to catch them out.

01:46:29.000 Because if they caught them, they would get the first photo of them.

01:46:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:32.000 And there was a few of, like, calls down, like this, where you'd see, like, this much of his face.

01:46:35.000 Like the neighbor from Tool Time?

01:46:37.000 You'd see, like, this much of his face.

01:46:38.000 You wouldn't see his total face.

01:46:40.000 You'd just see, like, a little bit.

01:46:41.000 Yeah.

01:46:44.000 So you saw him?

01:46:45.000 Yeah.

01:46:45.000 So I saw him when I was like, I think I was like 7 or 8 or something like that.

01:46:48.000 It was crazy.

01:46:49.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:46:49.000 I was like starstruck.

01:46:51.000 So I can't believe you.

01:46:51.000 Did you tell the rest of your classmates and have them not believe you?

01:46:53.000 Well, my cousin had seen them a bunch.

01:46:55.000 My cousin, Iona, she was like friends with them.

01:47:01.000 They would go play softball together, and she would talk about it.

01:47:04.000 She's like, it's the weirdest thing.

01:47:05.000 I played softball with Gene Simmons, and you had no makeup on.

01:47:09.000 We were playing softball with Kiss, and no one knows it's Kiss.

01:47:12.000 They have no makeup on.

01:47:13.000 You're like, this is the nuttiest thing ever.

01:47:15.000 And my uncle was like, he's a really cool character, very artistic character, so his daughter was very cool as well.

01:47:21.000 She's really smart, and she...

01:47:24.000 You know, so like her describing it was very, it was like, she was not, she was totally taking into account the bizarreness of it.

01:47:32.000 She's like, so I'm standing there and I'm playing softball with Kiss. 0.96

01:47:36.000 And as I've got this glove on, I'm looking around and she's like, what the fuck am I doing? 0.96

01:47:39.000 I'm playing softball with these guys that don't have makeup on. 0.90

01:47:43.000 This is the most famous, I mean, she was my age at the time.

01:47:46.000 We were both like, you know, like eight years old.

01:47:47.000 How massive did they get?

01:47:49.000 Oh, they were huge.

01:47:50.000 Really?

01:47:51.000 Yeah, they were gigantic.

01:47:52.000 I saw them in the 90s.

01:47:54.000 Kiss.

01:47:54.000 Well, I saw them in the 70s when I was a little kid.

01:47:57.000 My uncle took me to a show.

01:47:59.000 And that was when he was working for the company back then.

01:48:01.000 I was really young.

01:48:02.000 He took me to a Kiss show.

01:48:03.000 That's weird.

01:48:04.000 I might have been like 10 or something like that.

01:48:07.000 Maybe 11. At the most, I was 11. But he took me to a Kiss show then.

01:48:11.000 I went to a couple.

01:48:12.000 And then I went to two in a row with Kevin James.

01:48:15.000 Really?

01:48:16.000 Yeah, in the 90s.

01:48:19.000 Kissed when they made their comeback.

01:48:21.000 Was it the 90s or the early 2000s?

01:48:23.000 I think it might have been 90s.

01:48:24.000 I don't think I was even on Fear Factor yet.

01:48:26.000 Wow.

01:48:26.000 And Kevin was out here.

01:48:27.000 Kevin had won Star Search.

01:48:29.000 He won Star Search?

01:48:30.000 Yeah.

01:48:30.000 Sort of Bushman.

01:48:31.000 Yeah, Kevin was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Bushman beat Norm Macdonald. 0.99

01:48:34.000 Kevin's one of the most underrated stand-ups ever.

01:48:36.000 Really?

01:48:38.000 Really?

01:48:39.000 Yes.

01:48:40.000 Listen to me.

01:48:40.000 That dude, he could hit moments on stage.

01:48:43.000 He had some bits on stage that were fucking murderers. 0.99

01:48:46.000 But he always wanted to keep it clean and family-friendly. 0.98

01:48:50.000 And he wanted to make it...

01:48:53.000 He didn't want to piss anybody off.

01:48:54.000 He didn't want people to not be able to go to his shows.

01:48:57.000 He kept his act...

01:48:59.000 Real clean.

01:49:00.000 Especially once he had Cane Queens.

01:49:03.000 Then he cleaned up even more.

01:49:04.000 He would never do a bit that you would do or I would do.

01:49:07.000 I remember when his hour special came out.

01:49:09.000 It was one of the first hour specials.

01:49:10.000 It was too big for a half hour.

01:49:11.000 It was just like...

01:49:12.000 Let me tell you something.

01:49:13.000 I was with that dude when he was coming up. 1.00

01:49:15.000 Before he got any of that shit, that guy could kill me. 0.99

01:49:17.000 He was hilarious. 1.00

01:49:19.000 He was really funny.

01:49:21.000 He used to do this bit about getting pissed, because Kevin is a sweet guy.

01:49:24.000 He's an awesome guy. 1.00

01:49:25.000 But if he gets pissed off, he's got a fucking temper. 1.00

01:49:28.000 He doesn't do anything, but he does get angry at shit. 0.99

01:49:30.000 He's not a violent guy. 1.00

01:49:31.000 But you could see him get fucking crazy about shit. 1.00

01:49:34.000 So he had this bit about his girlfriend. 0.99

01:49:36.000 He was hitting the unlock button on the door at the same time she was pulling the handle, and they cancel each other out.

01:49:42.000 And he had this bit where they kept doing it again, and it builds up. 0.97

01:49:45.000 Fucking hilarious bit, man. 0.98

01:49:47.000 And he would go apeshit on stage and scream. 0.99

01:49:51.000 I don't even think he swore back then. 1.00

01:49:52.000 He might swear a little bit, like shit or something like that, every now and then. 0.97

01:49:58.000 But he was trying to do a very specific type of comedy. 0.99

01:50:02.000 That story about him at Montreal or Aspen with Sussman and the deal he got where you're like, come talk to my guy.

01:50:10.000 Let him see what he can get you.

01:50:12.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:50:13.000 That's an unfortunate story, but I don't think we can repeat that because it's very bad for someone's business.

01:50:19.000 Oh, whatever.

01:50:20.000 Yeah, we can't repeat numbers either.

01:50:23.000 But yeah, he got lucky and got a good manager.

01:50:26.000 My manager knew exactly what to do.

01:50:28.000 He had another older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice.

01:50:32.000 And they're about to get him to make a terrible... 0.96

01:50:35.000 Well, they had said a lot of shitty things to him.

01:50:36.000 One of the things they said, no one would ever believe this if you never worked in Hollywood, but there was a guy that was working with him before that actually told him to not lose weight. 0.72

01:50:46.000 Really?

01:50:46.000 Because they'll go out of category?

01:50:47.000 Yep.

01:50:48.000 Wow.

01:50:48.000 The actual quote was, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing roles.

01:50:53.000 Wow.

01:50:54.000 He actually said that to him.

01:50:55.000 When you lose weight, when you get healthy, no one's going to like you.

01:50:59.000 That's unfortunate. 1.00

01:51:00.000 It's not possible for you to be this funny unless you're a fat fuck, okay? 1.00

01:51:04.000 So stay a fat fuck so we can all make money. 1.00

01:51:06.000 Kevin! 1.00

01:51:07.000 When you lose weight, you're losing roles.

01:51:08.000 We're losing money, Kevin.

01:51:09.000 That's so mean.

01:51:10.000 People don't want you in there. 0.97

01:51:10.000 You're going to die early, but we can use you. 0.97

01:51:12.000 It's the worst thing ever because it gave him a green light to eat whatever the fuck he wanted. 1.00

01:51:17.000 Kevin, when I first met him, was a pretty stout character. 0.99

01:51:21.000 He was even thinner and more stout when he was in high school.

01:51:25.000 He was really into karate for a while, did a lot of karate, was really in good shape.

01:51:29.000 And when he was in really good shape, he was like 200 pounds and ripped, man.

01:51:33.000 Just a tank.

01:51:34.000 Those old pictures of Joey Diaz where you're like, who's that?

01:51:36.000 He's a tank.

01:51:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:38.000 But when a guy tells you shit like that, like you lose weight, you're losing rolls, you're like giving a guy a green light to just eat whatever the fuck he wants. 1.00

01:51:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:45.000 You know, that's rude.

01:51:46.000 They're just trying to make money. 1.00

01:51:48.000 They're just idiots. 1.00

01:51:49.000 People that want to tell you how you should be. 1.00

01:51:52.000 You know, you shouldn't be healthy.

01:51:54.000 There's Kevin.

01:51:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:51:56.000 I don't need an iron anymore.

01:51:58.000 That's pretty cool.

01:52:01.000 It is so hot down here, I cannot take it anymore.

01:52:03.000 Although in my room I have air conditioning, which I love.

01:52:05.000 It's great, because I grew up without air conditioning.

01:52:07.000 It was the worst.

01:52:08.000 My dad was too cheap.

01:52:09.000 Don't do his bits, because he probably wouldn't like that.

01:52:12.000 This is Star Search.

01:52:13.000 Oh, that was Star Search?

01:52:15.000 Two-minute comedy.

01:52:16.000 Yeah.

01:52:17.000 It's so weird. 0.96

01:52:17.000 Yeah, he probably would go, ah, you fucking do my bit, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. 0.96

01:52:20.000 Please don't. 0.99

01:52:21.000 Please don't.

01:52:21.000 You know how comedians are, like, you take a chunk of their material and put it on, like, oh, I hate that bit.

01:52:26.000 Don't fucking do that bit. 0.98

01:52:27.000 You know? 1.00

01:52:29.000 But he would kill me, man.

01:52:30.000 He was really funny.

01:52:32.000 He got really into making a TV show.

01:52:35.000 He really enjoyed the process of making a sitcom. 1.00

01:52:39.000 He's good at that shit. 1.00

01:52:40.000 He's good at comedic acting. 1.00

01:52:42.000 I just really wish he would really chase comedy more.

01:52:45.000 The guy was so funny, man.

01:52:47.000 He used to kill me.

01:52:48.000 When we were kids, we were in our early 20s together and we would do gigs together.

01:52:52.000 We did a lot of gigs together.

01:52:53.000 He was hilarious, man.

01:52:55.000 He was a hilarious dude. 0.96

01:52:56.000 And he was like real honest about his insecurities and shit.

01:52:59.000 Some of the people you started with are actually still around. 0.91

01:53:02.000 Yeah, a lot of them are still around.

01:53:04.000 Made it.

01:53:05.000 Yeah, a lot of them have made it, really.

01:53:06.000 Still doing this.

01:53:07.000 Yeah, like Norton. 0.97

01:53:08.000 Norton and I have been friends since, fuck, since we were both like 21 or something like that. 0.95

01:53:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:53:13.000 You know, we're both like 46. I love seeing somebody in my open mic days. 0.98

01:53:16.000 Yeah.

01:53:17.000 Like, how you doing?

01:53:18.000 Yeah.

01:53:19.000 Well, Greg Fitzsimmons is my oldest friend ever.

01:53:21.000 Greg Fitzsimmons and I literally went on stage like within a week of each other.

01:53:25.000 Wow.

01:53:26.000 Yeah.

01:53:26.000 We were friends in the dark, dark days of open mic nights.

01:53:30.000 We were buddies back when we were, you know, complete amateurs.

01:53:35.000 Neither one of us.

01:53:36.000 We were terrible.

01:53:37.000 We had nothing.

01:53:39.000 So to, like, be friends still, to be friends now and see him, like, I downloaded his...

01:53:44.000 The odds you make it past six months were small.

01:53:46.000 Not so good, for sure.

01:53:47.000 But I downloaded his new comedy special.

01:53:50.000 He just has a comedy special that he just put out.

01:53:52.000 Is that the one where he talks about how...

01:53:54.000 How easy Americans have it?

01:53:56.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:53:57.000 Oh, it's fucking great. 0.98

01:53:58.000 But I listened to it on the way home from a gig and was laughing my ass off. 0.99

01:54:04.000 It was really fucking funny. 0.98

01:54:06.000 It was really funny. 0.98

01:54:08.000 And it was so cool to be able to drive home and listen to, you know, a guy that I started with.

01:54:15.000 And he's slaying.

01:54:17.000 And even more cool for me, for Greg, because Greg for a while was a, Greg is a multiple time Emmy winning writer.

01:54:25.000 Oh yeah, he makes a lot of his money writing.

01:54:27.000 Well, he's won Emmys.

01:54:29.000 He's a really good writer.

01:54:31.000 He's got a good book as well, but he decided to take some time off of doing stand-up.

01:54:35.000 He didn't do stand-up for a long time.

01:54:38.000 Maybe he did it occasionally, but he really didn't dive into it like he's back doing now.

01:54:42.000 And then after he dove back into it, then he put out this special.

01:54:47.000 It was extra cool driving around listening to that special.

01:54:51.000 Because I knew what he did.

01:54:53.000 I knew how he worked.

01:54:54.000 I knew that he got back into comedy.

01:54:56.000 And I knew that he really loved it again.

01:54:59.000 A lot of our friends, we talk about that.

01:55:02.000 Callan and I have the same conversation every week.

01:55:05.000 He was just in some club.

01:55:07.000 He did Cap City in Austin.

01:55:09.000 And we're on the phone.

01:55:11.000 We're just both in our cars, just catching up. 0.99

01:55:13.000 And he goes, it's the greatest fucking job in the world. 0.99

01:55:16.000 It's the greatest fucking job. 0.99

01:55:17.000 I don't want to do anything else. 0.99

01:55:18.000 He goes, I do other things.

01:55:19.000 I don't want to do them.

01:55:20.000 He goes, what I want to do is I want to do comedy.

01:55:22.000 I want to tell jokes.

01:55:23.000 It's so fun.

01:55:24.000 You watch them on stage.

01:55:26.000 I've had a chance to do some shows with him lately, too.

01:55:29.000 And you could see him just really enjoying this.

01:55:32.000 Having done all these movies and all these TV shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor. 0.97

01:55:39.000 And then seeing him just murdering with his own silly goose style of comedy because he's so silly, you know? 0.98

01:55:45.000 It's really fucking great to see, man. 0.99

01:55:49.000 Really great to see. 1.00

01:55:50.000 Really funny, funny shit too, man. 0.99

01:55:53.000 Like, knowing guys, I've known Callan since 94. Really? 0.98

01:55:56.000 So I've known Greg since 88. Greg's my longest-running friend in comedy.

01:56:00.000 Christ.

01:56:01.000 But Callan and I have been best friends since, like, the moment we met.

01:56:04.000 You know?

01:56:05.000 I mean, there's like a core group.

01:56:07.000 Was it him in New York?

01:56:08.000 No, I met him out here.

01:56:09.000 I did MADtv.

01:56:11.000 He was on MADtv and I was the host of MADtv.

01:56:14.000 He was on 7th Heaven for like a bunch of episodes.

01:56:16.000 Yes, yeah. 0.99

01:56:17.000 He did fucking 7th Heaven. 0.99

01:56:18.000 And Oz. 0.99

01:56:19.000 Don't pull up videos of us on MADtv. 1.00

01:56:21.000 I know what you're doing, you fuck. 1.00

01:56:23.000 We were children back then. 1.00

01:56:25.000 But we became friends like almost immediately.

01:56:28.000 That's cool.

01:56:28.000 We said like three or four sentences together and we were playing, hanging out together.

01:56:31.000 Yeah, he's just a fun dude.

01:56:34.000 It's hard to make fun friends, but it's cool when you run into him and you collect him.

01:56:40.000 You're like, oh, I found a good one.

01:56:42.000 He's a good friend.

01:56:42.000 And then you see that guy prosper.

01:56:45.000 You see that guy growing and developing.

01:56:48.000 It's one of the most depressing things when you see a guy who used to do good.

01:56:52.000 I don't want to say any names, but guys that we know that had potential, and then they fell off.

01:56:56.000 Yeah.

01:56:56.000 And then they stop doing comedy altogether and you're like, my God, we came up together.

01:56:59.000 Like, that guy was just as good as me in 1998. Like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:57:04.000 Yeah, they stopped. 1.00

01:57:05.000 They stopped.

01:57:06.000 They stopped doing comedy and they, you know, he got a job.

01:57:08.000 Like, what?

01:57:09.000 A job?

01:57:10.000 Doing what?

01:57:11.000 Why didn't he?

01:57:12.000 Oh, my God.

01:57:13.000 Yeah.

01:57:13.000 Why didn't he follow up?

01:57:14.000 It scares everybody else, too.

01:57:15.000 Like, is that a possibility?

01:57:17.000 Yeah.

01:57:17.000 One of the guys we know who can just stop?

01:57:19.000 People don't know.

01:57:20.000 They don't understand.

01:57:21.000 And that's why they get angry when I use the word civilian. 1.00

01:57:24.000 By the way, everyone who gets angry because I use the word civilian to describe non-comics, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:57:30.000 For real. 1.00

01:57:30.000 For real, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:57:32.000 You're a civilian. 1.00

01:57:32.000 Stop your whining. 1.00

01:57:34.000 Stop your demand for respect.

01:57:36.000 Stop all of it.

01:57:36.000 Stop what?

01:57:37.000 You know what we're talking about, you dummies. 0.99

01:57:39.000 We're talking about the difference between someone who understands the fucking hectic, chaotic, mental war you go on. 1.00

01:57:46.000 In your head when you're being a stand-up comic. 0.98

01:57:49.000 We're describing the mess of this life that you will not understand if you don't do it.

01:57:55.000 Just like if you're a stockbroker and I'm not, call me a civilian, I'm not going to get offended. 0.99

01:57:59.000 I wouldn't get offended, by the way, if I was a fucking soldier either. 0.99

01:58:02.000 I wouldn't get offended. 0.99

01:58:03.000 You know what people are saying.

01:58:04.000 It's called a figure of speech. 1.00

01:58:05.000 Don't be a cunt. 1.00

01:58:06.000 Find some other shit to be annoyed at. 1.00

01:58:07.000 Don't be a cunt. 1.00

01:58:09.000 Find some other shit to be annoyed at. 1.00

01:58:11.000 There's plenty of things that are real that you could be annoyed at. 0.99

01:58:13.000 Don't be annoyed if somebody uses the term civilian. 0.95

01:58:15.000 It's silly.

01:58:16.000 Did you see that video of a comedian in Tennessee that there was like a group in the front row that were like wrestlers and stuff like that, like these big guys? 0.99

01:58:23.000 They start heckling and then the guy gets on stage and racks him right in the balls. 1.00

01:58:27.000 Racks who? 0.99

01:58:28.000 Racks the comic?

01:58:29.000 Racks the comic.

01:58:30.000 Oh no.

01:58:30.000 Here's the video.

01:58:31.000 Oh, I don't want to see this man.

01:58:32.000 The guy is huge too.

01:58:34.000 It's a...

01:58:35.000 Balletville Cafe, I don't even know where that is. 0.98

01:58:36.000 He hit him in the balls? 0.98

01:58:37.000 Yeah, he gets on stage and then racks him. 0.99

01:58:40.000 Racks him?

01:58:40.000 Why did you get the word racks?

01:58:42.000 Oh, he told them what it means?

01:58:44.000 Do you know the term?

01:58:47.000 I guess he already did it.

01:58:59.000 He already did it, I guess.

01:59:04.000 Why is he still in the room?

01:59:09.000 Where did he start doing it, man?

01:59:12.000 Not cute.

01:59:15.000 Upright.

01:59:17.000 What does that even mean?

01:59:22.000 Phantom of the Opera?

01:59:23.000 You think I'm roleplaying the Phantom of the Opera? 1.00

01:59:25.000 What a fucking pussy do you think I am? 1.00

01:59:29.000 Jesus, man. 1.00

01:59:30.000 If I'm doing roleplaying, it's Catholic schoolgirls. 1.00

01:59:32.000 Every time, dude.

01:59:35.000 Okay, I don't think this is it, Brian.

01:59:37.000 Well, find it, then.

01:59:39.000 I don't want to sit through this.

01:59:41.000 Slop.

01:59:43.000 Why was he still in the room?

01:59:46.000 These clubs, like, just, alright, they already attacked the comic.

01:59:49.000 Tell him to leave.

01:59:50.000 Tell him to settle his bill and leave. 0.99

01:59:52.000 Guy comes on stage and taps you in the balls. 0.99

01:59:54.000 It's over. 0.99

01:59:57.000 They're just a little too comfortable hitting each other.

02:00:00.000 When you hit each other for a living like wrestlers do, they slap each other in the face.

02:00:04.000 A regular person does not like that. 1.00

02:00:06.000 They don't want to deal with that shit at all. 0.99

02:00:10.000 People who don't respect professional wrestling, you might not enjoy it as a form of entertainment, but you better respect how hard it is to do. 0.99

02:00:19.000 Piper came to the store the other day. 0.99

02:00:21.000 Those guys fucking, they sacrificed every part of their body. 1.00

02:00:25.000 They're all weathered. 1.00

02:00:25.000 They're all broken up, man. 1.00

02:00:27.000 That is a crazy fucking way to try to make a living. 1.00

02:00:30.000 He's throwing chairs at each other and shit and jumping off the top rope and fucking doing flips and landing on your face. 1.00

02:00:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:37.000 That's some crazy shit, man. 1.00

02:00:39.000 That is one of the most destructive jobs in show business as far as what it does to your body. 1.00

02:00:45.000 Slamming on the ground.

02:00:46.000 Oh my god.

02:00:47.000 Do you remember the Brock Lesnar one where he did the shooting star press? 0.99

02:00:51.000 You know, he did a flip but he missed the flip and landed on his fucking head? 0.99

02:00:55.000 Oh no, really? 1.00

02:00:56.000 Yeah.

02:00:56.000 He was trying to do a flip and like pin a guy.

02:00:59.000 Like he was going to get on the top rope and do a flip and pin a guy.

02:01:02.000 But he missed.

02:01:03.000 And just bam on his head? 1.00

02:01:04.000 Landed right on his fucking head. 1.00

02:01:05.000 I had Tate sling. 1.00

02:01:06.000 Oh, that guy just kneed him in the balls? 0.99

02:01:08.000 You're going to come up on stage. 0.98

02:01:10.000 What are you going to do about it?

02:01:12.000 I'm not backing down, bro.

02:01:14.000 Oh.

02:01:15.000 Oh.

02:01:17.000 He wants to hit him back.

02:01:18.000 I know.

02:01:22.000 Okay, I don't want to watch this, man. 1.00

02:01:24.000 That's fucked up. 0.99

02:01:25.000 That's harsh. 0.99

02:01:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:01:26.000 You shouldn't have left that guy on stage.

02:01:27.000 He definitely shouldn't have said, what are you going to do?

02:01:29.000 Like, what's up with that fake bravado of having that guy on stage and saying, what are you going to do? 0.99

02:01:34.000 And this fucking giant wrestler guy standing in front of me. 1.00

02:01:36.000 And meet him with balls. 1.00

02:01:37.000 Taunting him. 0.99

02:01:37.000 He shouldn't be on stage, first of all, definitely, for sure. 0.99

02:01:40.000 But, you know, the fucking show is basically over at that point. 0.98

02:01:42.000 It's such a weird position now. 0.98

02:01:43.000 He's like, oh, what do you want me to walk away?

02:01:45.000 Well, yeah, you're getting bullied by a giant wrestler, too.

02:01:47.000 Yeah.

02:01:48.000 I mean, that guy was twice the size of that guy.

02:01:50.000 Why did he go back and sit down and nobody throws him out? 0.98

02:01:53.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

02:01:53.000 You can't go on stage and knee somebody in the balls and then they don't throw you out. 0.99

02:01:57.000 Why can't you get sued for that? 0.99

02:01:58.000 Why can't you be like, this random stranger just knee me in the balls? 0.98

02:02:01.000 That's not part of my job. 0.98

02:02:02.000 Yeah, you should be able to sue for that.

02:02:03.000 The club, for sure, you should be able to sue the guy.

02:02:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:02:07.000 The guy for kneeing you in the balls. 0.96

02:02:08.000 Well, Tammy had that drink thrown at her and she tried to press charges and the sheriff was like, no, no, it's just comedy. 0.98

02:02:13.000 What?

02:02:14.000 She's like, he threw a drink at my head.

02:02:15.000 He threw a glass at my head. 0.60

02:02:17.000 I want to press charges.

02:02:19.000 That's assault.

02:02:19.000 They didn't bring him in?

02:02:20.000 Uh-uh.

02:02:21.000 That's insane.

02:02:22.000 Yeah.

02:02:23.000 You can't throw a glass at somebody. 1.00

02:02:24.000 If he hit her, that's a fucking weapon. 0.99

02:02:26.000 I know, but he's like, ah, she's part of comedy. 1.00

02:02:29.000 It's like, why?

02:02:29.000 Why is it part of comedy?

02:02:30.000 We don't agree to that?

02:02:31.000 What?

02:02:32.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:02:33.000 What a fucking lazy cop that is. 1.00

02:02:35.000 That's what that is. 1.00

02:02:35.000 That's a guy who didn't want to fill out some paperwork. 1.00

02:02:37.000 Yeah.

02:02:38.000 I wonder where that was with Tammy. 0.99

02:02:39.000 Because the actual assault didn't happen.

02:02:42.000 I don't know.

02:02:42.000 Maybe it's just like, alright, I filled up that.

02:02:44.000 Or he's a local and she's not.

02:02:46.000 So, like, I'm not gonna just arrest somebody over some traveling salesman.

02:02:48.000 Local in LA? No, it wasn't here.

02:02:50.000 It was on the road somewhere.

02:02:51.000 Oh, I was like, that doesn't make any sense.

02:02:53.000 Like, where did this take place? 0.99

02:02:54.000 It must have been some fucking hillbilly shack. 0.99

02:02:56.000 Yeah, I don't know exactly. 0.99

02:02:57.000 Texas or somewhere?

02:02:58.000 Nashville?

02:02:59.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:02:59.000 You're just making shit up. 1.00

02:03:00.000 You're just making shit up? 1.00

02:03:00.000 No, I don't know where it was. 1.00

02:03:01.000 Texas and Nashville are nowhere near each other!

02:03:03.000 It was somewhere.

02:03:04.000 Chicago, Canada, something.

02:03:05.000 Somewhere Redneck. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Fucking Florida, I don't know, something. 1.00

02:03:08.000 Something. 1.00

02:03:10.000 Yeah, man.

02:03:11.000 That's not cool.

02:03:12.000 But, you know, that's one of the problems with owning a club. 0.98

02:03:16.000 You own a club, you're serving people one of the most ridiculous drinks. 0.94

02:03:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:20.000 One of the most ridiculous drugs when it comes to behavior, like managing your behavior. 0.99

02:03:25.000 Dork lights. 1.00

02:03:26.000 You just give people, like, this drug that makes them want to behave like a fucking asshole. 1.00

02:03:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:32.000 Like, a good percentage of people want to behave like an asshole. 1.00

02:03:35.000 On that. 1.00

02:03:35.000 On that drug. 1.00

02:03:36.000 And then you're selling that.

02:03:37.000 That's what you sell.

02:03:38.000 And you need them to be around. 1.00

02:03:39.000 And then you got some guy who's on stage talking mad shit about sucking dicks and shooting cum into people. 1.00

02:03:45.000 And people getting crazy. 1.00

02:03:47.000 They get crazy. 0.92

02:03:48.000 They're drunk and someone's talking about sex and crazy talk. 0.99

02:03:52.000 Let's go! 1.00

02:03:53.000 Yeah, they get nutty.

02:03:54.000 And they just can't believe what they're hearing.

02:03:56.000 They want another drink. 1.00

02:03:57.000 Where's that fucking waitress? 1.00

02:03:58.000 I want a drink. 1.00

02:03:59.000 Yeah, they hear somebody talking loud.

02:04:00.000 Yeah, and there's a lot of that. 1.00

02:04:02.000 Well, you shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:04:02.000 Sometimes you hear that. 1.00

02:04:03.000 Well, you guys need to shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:04:05.000 They hear that in the audience, people arguing with people. 1.00

02:04:08.000 Oh, yeah.

02:04:08.000 Somebody else tells them to be quiet because they can't hear.

02:04:10.000 Last time we were at...

02:04:12.000 Duncan and I were at the Hollywood Improv in Florida.

02:04:16.000 Yeah.

02:04:17.000 And some people almost duked it out.

02:04:19.000 In the audience.

02:04:20.000 Yeah, because one group was talking, the other group turned around. 0.99

02:04:23.000 They were like, will you shut the fuck up? 1.00

02:04:25.000 A guy jumped up and he was pointing at this big fucking giant fat guy. 1.00

02:04:29.000 You shot the Rob Ford looking type character. 0.99

02:04:31.000 He was screaming at these people and they were screaming back at him and it was like, wow, in the middle of the fucking show. 1.00

02:04:37.000 You guys are all disruptive. 0.99

02:04:39.000 Please stop that.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, he was getting super angry and loud because the guy behind him was loud.

02:04:44.000 Like, it was more about him than it was even about the show. 0.94

02:04:49.000 Like, Even though there was like 300 people there for this show, I understand that this guy is being a dick, but his yelling made it way crazier for everybody else. 0.96

02:05:00.000 He wasn't concerned about that. 0.96

02:05:01.000 Once the confrontation started, it was out of his control.

02:05:04.000 It was on.

02:05:04.000 It doesn't matter.

02:05:04.000 Sorry to everybody, but this is happening.

02:05:06.000 Everybody else, fuck you. 1.00

02:05:07.000 That's the fight Superman got into. 1.00

02:05:08.000 This latest one.

02:05:09.000 Just destroying a bunch of buildings.

02:05:10.000 Superman got into a fight and destroyed buildings?

02:05:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:13.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

02:05:13.000 Why isn't he fighting the desert? 1.00

02:05:14.000 If you're Superman, you grab guys, you bring them out in the desert, and you kick their ass off. 0.99

02:05:17.000 Let's do it here. 1.00

02:05:18.000 You don't kick people's ass in the middle of the city, you fucking dummy. 1.00

02:05:21.000 You can fly around the world in a second and you choose to duke it out in the city, you're an asshole. 1.00

02:05:25.000 Guilty! 1.00

02:05:26.000 Next case.

02:05:27.000 Send him to the sun.

02:05:28.000 That's what I would say. 0.99

02:05:29.000 If I was a fucking judge and Superman came in and he told me to smash these buildings apart, I'd be like, what? 0.99

02:05:34.000 Why didn't you take him to the moon? 1.00

02:05:36.000 Duke it out up there, you fucking asshole. 1.00

02:05:38.000 Oh yeah, that's right. 1.00

02:05:39.000 I can breathe up there.

02:05:40.000 He can go wherever he wants.

02:05:41.000 He can do anything.

02:05:42.000 Superman can fly to space. 0.99

02:05:43.000 He's fucking Superman. 0.99

02:05:45.000 Yeah, he can. 1.00

02:05:45.000 He lives in a different kind of planet, man. 1.00

02:05:47.000 I never liked Superman because of that reason.

02:05:49.000 I'm like, he seems indestructible.

02:05:51.000 Yeah, he's totally indestructible.

02:05:52.000 Unless you get that kryptonite.

02:05:54.000 I guess.

02:05:55.000 You know what kryptonite is, right?

02:05:56.000 What? 1.00

02:05:57.000 Pussy, for sure. 1.00

02:05:58.000 Woman. 1.00

02:05:58.000 Yeah, it stands for pussy. 1.00

02:05:59.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:05:59.000 Look, it makes him weak. 1.00

02:06:01.000 Yeah.

02:06:01.000 It takes him out of character.

02:06:02.000 He can't make decisions for himself.

02:06:04.000 Yeah, that is what it is.

02:06:05.000 Eventually, it sucks his power away and he dies.

02:06:07.000 Dude, there's times where you just know you're making the wrong decision.

02:06:10.000 With a woman or with kryptonite?

02:06:11.000 With a woman. 0.97

02:06:12.000 And you're just like, ugh.

02:06:13.000 Yep.

02:06:14.000 Why am I doing it?

02:06:14.000 Even as you're doing it, you're like, why?

02:06:16.000 God, it's because of the pull they have.

02:06:18.000 Yeah, well, you know what it is, man?

02:06:20.000 Your genes want to spread.

02:06:21.000 Yeah, you can't help it.

02:06:22.000 And women who have beautiful bodies, like a woman's body, is the most incredible magnet for a man. 1.00

02:06:29.000 I swear it came a little bit.

02:06:30.000 I'll just wipe it off.

02:06:30.000 It'll be fine.

02:06:33.000 Let me just get my finger in there and clean it out. 1.00

02:06:35.000 I would not have made that decision yesterday like this. 0.99

02:06:37.000 Did I shoot it in her? 0.99

02:06:38.000 What? 0.99

02:06:39.000 What?

02:06:40.000 No, I did not. 1.00

02:06:40.000 Shit! 1.00

02:06:41.000 I did it with a black girl finally. 1.00

02:06:43.000 Ooh.

02:06:43.000 Bam.

02:06:44.000 Let me pee and then tell me.

02:06:45.000 Okay.

02:06:46.000 Hold your story.

02:06:47.000 Talk to him about something.

02:06:48.000 I don't know.

02:06:49.000 I guess I'll wait.

02:06:50.000 I don't know.

02:06:52.000 Just so you know, everybody, my next storyteller show is in Los Angeles, February 27th at The Improv.

02:06:56.000 Me, Marc Maron, Ralphie Mae, Louis Katz, so far.

02:06:59.000 Sweet.

02:07:00.000 Yeah, $5.

02:07:01.000 That's a nice show.

02:07:02.000 I like that show.

02:07:03.000 I like the one that you had with Natasha, Bobby Lee, Renizzisi, and you were all talking about the whole thing.

02:07:09.000 That was a fun one.

02:07:10.000 Yeah, that's really good.

02:07:11.000 That was a fun one.

02:07:11.000 Did you like it?

02:07:12.000 Yeah, I loved it.

02:07:13.000 It was so fun.

02:07:13.000 It's so funny how Bobby can't not be funny.

02:07:16.000 Yeah.

02:07:16.000 Yeah, that was a really good one.

02:07:18.000 Look at this is not happening.

02:07:19.000 Yeah.

02:07:20.000 Go do a YouTube search for that.

02:07:21.000 You'll find it.

02:07:21.000 But yeah, that was a good one.

02:07:23.000 Steve eventually just lost control, so he's just like, oh, whatever.

02:07:25.000 Keep going.

02:07:26.000 I like when Bobby lies, and then when you both, when you say, no, you're wrong, and somebody else says you're wrong, he'll go, okay, all right.

02:07:32.000 It was really cool, because I've heard that story so many times, but never actually seen, like, a Natasha around there.

02:07:37.000 Yeah, all of us together.

02:07:38.000 When she brought up the water thing, I could tell you were like, oh, I did do that.

02:07:42.000 Like, I'm sorry about...

02:07:45.000 People ask me who was right and who was wrong.

02:07:46.000 I was like, it doesn't matter.

02:07:47.000 I'm just embarrassed about my behavior.

02:07:48.000 I don't care who else's behavior.

02:07:51.000 Yeah, because you dumped a water glass on her. 1.00

02:07:53.000 Yeah.

02:07:56.000 Heartbreak, man.

02:07:56.000 It gets you.

02:08:00.000 San Jose Improv, March, middle of March, and again, Chicago Zanies this weekend.

02:08:05.000 I love that place.

02:08:05.000 I was just there, and go across the street to that, yeah, improv, go across the street to that dab place.

02:08:10.000 There's a museum right there, too.

02:08:12.000 San Jose Improv down the street from Joe's.

02:08:15.000 Joe's, yeah.

02:08:15.000 What's that called?

02:08:16.000 Original Joe's?

02:08:17.000 Original Joe's, yeah.

02:08:18.000 Original Joe's.

02:08:18.000 Yeah, that was good later tonight.

02:08:19.000 Oh, they have like a real wood grill for steaks there.

02:08:23.000 Oh.

02:08:24.000 Yeah, they have like real wood coals.

02:08:26.000 They put lump charcoal underneath the stake.

02:08:28.000 It's a charcoal broiler.

02:08:29.000 A real broiler.

02:08:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:31.000 Dude.

02:08:32.000 You can watch them.

02:08:33.000 If you get a seat by the bar...

02:08:34.000 We went there once with two fighters.

02:08:36.000 We've been there a bunch of times.

02:08:37.000 John Fitch and...

02:08:38.000 And Mike Swick.

02:08:39.000 Yeah.

02:08:40.000 That was when Mike Swick was telling us about how he used to work for the United States government.

02:08:44.000 He was working in Russia and their buildings were bugged.

02:08:48.000 The Russians bugged the buildings with incredibly sophisticated equipment. 0.93

02:08:53.000 And he was like, they were so far ahead of what we were capable of.

02:08:56.000 He said they had bugs that were operating on the power generated by the movement of the building in the breeze.

02:09:05.000 What?

02:09:06.000 They figured out a way to generate enough power to keep the microphones going and transmitting.

02:09:14.000 Transmitting!

02:09:15.000 Like, producing energy! 0.99

02:09:16.000 And they got it from the movement of the fucking swaying of the buildings. 0.98

02:09:19.000 He was like, they were so far ahead of us. 0.98

02:09:21.000 Why were they bugging his room?

02:09:22.000 They were bugging whatever building he was working at, government building he was working at. 0.96

02:09:27.000 What people don't realize is, the Soviet Union, like during the Cold War, like during the advancement of their rocket program along with our rocket program, they got the first fucking guy in orbit, man. 0.91

02:09:38.000 I mean, they were incredibly advanced.

02:09:41.000 And you think that's one of the reasons we made up the moon landing?

02:09:44.000 Well, I don't think we made up the moon landing.

02:09:45.000 You don't?

02:09:46.000 I've changed my position.

02:09:47.000 What?

02:09:48.000 Yeah, this is what I think.

02:09:51.000 Give me my hours back!

02:09:52.000 How dare you?

02:09:54.000 You owe us five years.

02:09:55.000 You have to figure it out.

02:09:56.000 You have to figure it out.

02:09:57.000 You can't figure it out initially.

02:09:59.000 If you watch that Fox show, watch the Fox show on the moon landings, it's very compelling.

02:10:05.000 It's very compelling.

02:10:06.000 It's a really interesting...

02:10:06.000 Say how it is real.

02:10:08.000 Saying it's not real.

02:10:10.000 But the odds of that being true, it's so small.

02:10:14.000 It's like, I don't know what happened, but if I had to guess what happened, I would say they went to the moon.

02:10:19.000 And I would say, when you look at some of the photos that look like they're staged, and the fact that all of them were centered, there very well could have been some counterfeit photos.

02:10:27.000 They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA. There was a photo from Gemini.

02:10:32.000 I believe it was Gemini 15. It was Michael Collins.

02:10:35.000 And they took a photo of him in training with these wires and this harness on.

02:10:39.000 And then they blacked out all the wires in the background and then used the same photo and said that he was in space.

02:10:46.000 Really?

02:10:46.000 That he was doing a spacewalk.

02:10:48.000 Like, who's taking his picture during the spacewalk?

02:10:49.000 Nobody.

02:10:50.000 It wasn't a real photo. 0.99

02:10:51.000 There was nobody out there with a fucking camera walking with him. 0.98

02:10:54.000 We just started faking photos, so we didn't know that yet. 0.99

02:10:55.000 It was a fake photo.

02:10:56.000 They didn't think that people were going to think that many steps ahead.

02:10:59.000 So, I think it's very possible that they might have faked some things.

02:11:06.000 Like, some photographs might have been on a soundstage.

02:11:10.000 For publicity and stuff.

02:11:11.000 Yeah, for publicity and to make sure that they got a record of it.

02:11:14.000 John Kerry showed those pictures of Syria of all the dead bodies and it was from like five years ago.

02:11:19.000 Dude, my favorite quote though is Clinton's quote about it.

02:11:22.000 Clinton talked about when he was a kid, he was working for a carpenter and the guy said that he didn't believe anything on television, that those television fellers can put things on TV and make you think it's real.

02:11:33.000 Yeah.

02:11:35.000 And he said, back then I thought that guy was a quack, or a crank, but during my eight years in the White House, I saw things that made me think that maybe he was ahead of his time.

02:11:45.000 Wow.

02:11:46.000 That's a Clinton quote on the moon landing.

02:11:48.000 Do you think they tell each president, like, here's what, let's catch you up on the stuff.

02:11:53.000 Yeah, moon landing is fake.

02:11:54.000 Or do you think they don't even tell them?

02:11:55.000 Why would they want to tell them?

02:11:57.000 Well, if it really was fake, which again, I don't necessarily think it was.

02:12:00.000 I think it's more likely that there's some fuckery involved in some of the evidence because they were trying to create things that were used for publicity. 0.96

02:12:11.000 There's some video that looks really fucking hokey. 0.97

02:12:14.000 There's this video of them jumping around like they're on trampolines when they're on the moon. 0.97

02:12:17.000 It's really weird.

02:12:19.000 It's really weird stuff because there's no consistency in the way they move.

02:12:25.000 If you watch the earliest video from Apollo 11, when they're walking on the moon, you watch their movement, and then watch the later stuff, it's like they move a little differently. 0.96

02:12:34.000 They can do weird shit.

02:12:35.000 They can jump and fly through the air later in the videos. 0.99

02:12:40.000 They got better at whatever they were doing.

02:12:42.000 How did you get better at walking in space?

02:12:44.000 Well, it's just weird.

02:12:45.000 So I think that it might...

02:12:47.000 Very well be that some of the footage that you look at, it's possible, and I'm not suggesting that we didn't go to the moon.

02:12:53.000 I know I have in the past, but what I'm suggesting is some of the footage might be fake.

02:12:57.000 It's possible.

02:12:58.000 They used to do that kind of stuff back then.

02:13:00.000 I know we don't like to think that, but they did a lot of stuff like that.

02:13:03.000 They still do it now.

02:13:04.000 They still fake things now.

02:13:06.000 They had billboards of Martin Luther King with white women.

02:13:09.000 Oh, sure.

02:13:09.000 With billboards in the South.

02:13:10.000 Of course they did.

02:13:11.000 Just fake photos. 1.00

02:13:12.000 Meanwhile, Martin Luther King fucked a lot of white women. 1.00

02:13:14.000 How about that? 1.00

02:13:14.000 What? 1.00

02:13:15.000 How about he loved it?

02:13:16.000 Who wouldn't?

02:13:17.000 You're Martin Luther King.

02:13:18.000 Yeah, I bet he did.

02:13:19.000 He probably knew he was going to die.

02:13:20.000 Just get on a rampage. 1.00

02:13:21.000 Get that white pussy. 1.00

02:13:22.000 What's this black girl like 5 p.m. 1.00

02:13:24.000 or 2.30 a.m.?

02:13:25.000 What does that mean?

02:13:26.000 The color.

02:13:27.000 Oh.

02:13:29.000 Like 5 p.m.

02:13:29.000 This is a starter black.

02:13:30.000 Oh, okay.

02:13:31.000 This is definitely she.

02:13:32.000 Okay, she wasn't.

02:13:33.000 I mean, for me to go in full bore, that's kind of crazy.

02:13:36.000 Right.

02:13:37.000 She was not from this country. 1.00

02:13:39.000 She was from, like, uh, England or, like, the, or the, um, Jamaica-ish, yeah.

02:13:44.000 And, like, raised there, yeah.

02:13:47.000 Real white, real not hip-hoppy at all.

02:13:50.000 Hip-hoppy?

02:13:51.000 Yeah.

02:13:51.000 It was a very starter, like, just get in there.

02:13:53.000 Was she half-black? 0.96

02:13:54.000 No, I mean, you know, they're all black. 1.00

02:13:56.000 What the fuck, Ari? 1.00

02:13:58.000 Don't say it like that, man! 1.00

02:14:00.000 Did the vagina seem any different to you? 1.00

02:14:02.000 Any colors? 0.98

02:14:03.000 Any shapes? 1.00

02:14:04.000 Surprisingly similar to white pussy. 1.00

02:14:06.000 It was pretty shocking, actually, how similarly shaped and feeling it was. 1.00

02:14:10.000 What's the saying?

02:14:11.000 They're human beings, Ari.

02:14:12.000 How dare you?

02:14:12.000 But then it got weird when she snored, and it was like, oh, so manly.

02:14:16.000 I had trouble after that.

02:14:18.000 Oh, no, no.

02:14:19.000 We're such a manly way to sleep. 1.00

02:14:21.000 Watching your dick go into that pink hole, though, with the contrast with the black is such a cool sight, though. 1.00

02:14:27.000 It really is. 1.00

02:14:28.000 Like if you have a darker one, because they are just bright pink inside, like pink Starbursts.

02:14:33.000 If you have a darker one.

02:14:35.000 This is not what women want to hear. 1.00

02:14:36.000 It's a medium rare.

02:14:37.000 These are not the kind of things that women want to hear. 1.00

02:14:40.000 It's like a blackened steak with a medium rare inside.

02:14:43.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:14:44.000 The inside, pink.

02:14:45.000 Yeah.

02:14:46.000 So good for you.

02:14:47.000 Thanks.

02:14:48.000 Adding diversity to your sexual life.

02:14:49.000 Exactly.

02:14:51.000 Broadening my horizons.

02:14:52.000 I think a lot of people would salute you for that.

02:14:55.000 Yeah.

02:14:55.000 I'm also dating chicks a little bit too.

02:14:57.000 Yeah?

02:14:58.000 Yeah, it's weird.

02:14:59.000 Why is that weird?

02:15:00.000 It's hard, right?

02:15:00.000 Yeah, to go on like full dates and like, let's just try to explore you as a person instead of like...

02:15:05.000 Do you get bored?

02:15:05.000 Try to get laid.

02:15:06.000 It just seems like, fuck. 1.00

02:15:09.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:15:11.000 The conversations you're having?

02:15:12.000 Yeah, in my head. 1.00

02:15:13.000 I'm like, come on, let's just go back and fuck. 1.00

02:15:15.000 Wow. 1.00

02:15:16.000 No, I don't say that out loud.

02:15:17.000 That's what I think.

02:15:18.000 But that's what you think.

02:15:19.000 You don't really want to talk to them. 1.00

02:15:20.000 You just want to fuck them. 1.00

02:15:20.000 Yeah, so I want to get to the point where I'm like, no, let's enjoy a new human and fucking enjoy them for a minute. 1.00

02:15:25.000 So you're trying to mature. 0.85

02:15:26.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:15:26.000 You're trying to find women that you actually like as people and not just as sexual people.

02:15:33.000 But if you get some just purely sexual partners, then you can do that.

02:15:36.000 Then you can afford to explore with a woman.

02:15:38.000 That's true.

02:15:39.000 Once your needs are met, which are many, the biological needs.

02:15:43.000 Yeah, that's a weird thing where you're supposed to not be able to say that.

02:15:48.000 But a woman is allowed to say that. 1.00

02:15:49.000 If a woman says that, you know, hey, I take these men and I let them know, look, I'm here to fuck. 1.00

02:15:56.000 I'm busy. 1.00

02:15:57.000 I've got a career. 1.00

02:15:58.000 You can fuck me. 1.00

02:15:59.000 And then when you're done, you've got to go home. 1.00

02:16:00.000 The man's not going to argue with that.

02:16:02.000 The guy would be like, okay. 1.00

02:16:03.000 But if a guy says that, it's like, you fucking asshole. 1.00

02:16:05.000 Yeah! 1.00

02:16:06.000 Could you imagine if there was a hot woman who ran a business or something like that? 1.00

02:16:11.000 Whatever. 1.00

02:16:11.000 She makes fucking sculpture. 1.00

02:16:12.000 She doesn't have any time, but she needs to get laid. 1.00

02:16:14.000 So she says, listen, Ari, here's the deal, okay?

02:16:17.000 I like you.

02:16:17.000 I think you're hot.

02:16:18.000 I want to fuck. 1.00

02:16:19.000 But I don't want you being my boyfriend. 1.00

02:16:21.000 I don't want you You can't sleep over, and don't ever fucking tell me what to do, okay? 1.00

02:16:25.000 But, if you want no strings attached, come over and fuck me, I'll suck your dick, and we'll have a good time, and then when we're done, you leave. 1.00

02:16:32.000 You'd be like, okay, I'll do it for you. 1.00

02:16:35.000 Okay, you'd be like, yes!

02:16:38.000 I found her!

02:16:39.000 I knew she was out there!

02:16:41.000 I knew she was out there.

02:16:42.000 You know, I was having this discussion with one of my wife's friends who happens to be gay.

02:16:49.000 And they were talking about the difference between two gay guys hooking up, gay guys meeting and hooking up, and a guy and a girl meeting and hooking up.

02:16:59.000 A guy and a girl trying to figure out how much yen are we going to have in this, how much yen.

02:17:03.000 Yeah, they're all fighting for a position.

02:17:05.000 Who's going to be in control here?

02:17:06.000 Setting it up.

02:17:07.000 Is the girl going to tell you what to do and answer your phone for you? 0.99

02:17:11.000 Or is she going to leave you alone and let you be you?

02:17:14.000 Are you going to leave her alone? 0.93

02:17:15.000 Are you going to let her wear whatever she wants and not get fucking weird with her? 0.99

02:17:18.000 What's going to happen here? 0.94

02:17:19.000 Are you going to say, are you really going to go out with that skirt?

02:17:22.000 Are you really going to go out with that skirt? 0.81

02:17:23.000 For real?

02:17:24.000 Oh my god, it's down to my knees. 1.00

02:17:25.000 It's not to your fucking knees. 1.00

02:17:26.000 It's not to your knees. 0.99

02:17:28.000 It's not to your knees, okay?

02:17:30.000 I see your legs.

02:17:31.000 God, do you really need that much attention?

02:17:34.000 There's that dude, and then there's people that are like, oh, you look hot, baby.

02:17:38.000 Have fun.

02:17:38.000 Have a good time.

02:17:39.000 Who are you going to be?

02:17:41.000 What's she going to be happiest with?

02:17:43.000 What are you going to be happiest with?

02:17:45.000 Yeah, it's also finding someone who, like, brings out the best in you.

02:17:49.000 Oh, yeah.

02:17:50.000 Like, sometimes you can have relationships that bring out the worst in you.

02:17:54.000 You, like, hate who you are.

02:17:54.000 I saw some people at the airport today fighting.

02:17:56.000 Oh, that's so gross.

02:17:56.000 Leaning forward.

02:18:00.000 It's so not necessary for any of us to do.

02:18:03.000 It's just not.

02:18:04.000 Any of us that are involved in altercations, so much of it is both people's responsibility.

02:18:12.000 There's a dance going on when two people are communicating with each other, and a lot of times we're shitty dance partners.

02:18:16.000 Yeah, sometimes I feel like telling people, like, look, it's nobody's fault, but you guys are never going to work because you just entered into this too much. 0.88

02:18:22.000 You're just too fighty.

02:18:23.000 It's also some people like it, man.

02:18:25.000 That's a source of drama in their life.

02:18:27.000 They don't even realize that it's completely subconscious, but they like to duke it out.

02:18:31.000 They like it. 1.00

02:18:32.000 I fucking hate it. 1.00

02:18:34.000 I don't like it with anybody. 1.00

02:18:35.000 I don't like it with friends.

02:18:36.000 I don't like it with girlfriends.

02:18:37.000 I don't like it with anyone in business.

02:18:40.000 I don't like it with other comics.

02:18:42.000 I don't like it, man.

02:18:43.000 It's not fun.

02:18:43.000 I would way rather be friendly with everybody.

02:18:47.000 Yeah.

02:18:47.000 Well, it's way easier that way.

02:18:48.000 It is way easier.

02:18:49.000 It makes everybody feel nicer, but there's moments, man, where you'll run into people. 0.99

02:18:54.000 You're like, God damn it. 0.99

02:18:54.000 I gotta fucking defend my position here. 0.99

02:18:57.000 I gotta stay afloat here. 1.00

02:18:58.000 I gotta go, dude, shut the fuck up and leave me alone. 0.99

02:19:02.000 There's a moment where you have to say something or be assertive with someone. 1.00

02:19:07.000 Just get them to fucking leave you alone. 0.99

02:19:09.000 It's annoying. 0.99

02:19:09.000 There's people that just don't get it. 0.99

02:19:11.000 They would just fuck with you until the end of time. 1.00

02:19:13.000 They're just so goofy and clunky. 1.00

02:19:16.000 They just don't get it. 0.98

02:19:18.000 I had an argument once at a party. 0.95

02:19:19.000 This guy was trying to tell me that the UN rapes children in Africa. 0.99

02:19:23.000 Rapes them? 1.00

02:19:24.000 Yeah, he was telling me that they rapes them for apples. 0.98

02:19:26.000 That's what he was saying.

02:19:27.000 What?

02:19:28.000 It was the dumbest conversation. 1.00

02:19:30.000 Wait, he rapes them, so other people give them apples for a job well done? 1.00

02:19:33.000 They're giving them apples to fuck them, he was saying. 1.00

02:19:35.000 It was like they raped them for apples, he was saying it was rape. 1.00

02:19:37.000 The guy was just such a douchebag. 1.00

02:19:40.000 He was a country music guy who wound up getting arrested for cocaine dealing. 0.98

02:19:45.000 He's like a singer in this really terrible country music band that my friend knew. 0.99

02:19:49.000 Yeah, and he was like this super pro-rah-rah American guy, but in the most idiotic way possible. 0.96

02:19:57.000 And, you know, they were talking about, you know, like the United States, what they're doing over in Afghanistan and this and that. 0.99

02:20:04.000 And he was just going on about the U.N. raping people for apples. 1.00

02:20:09.000 And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:20:11.000 Like, how can you... 1.00

02:20:12.000 First of all, if you give someone an apple, it's prostitution. 1.00

02:20:15.000 It's not rape. 1.00

02:20:15.000 If you give them an apple and you fuck... 1.00

02:20:16.000 Yeah, it's unfortunate, but it's... 1.00

02:20:18.000 It's not best prices in the world. 0.97

02:20:20.000 Rape you with an apple. 1.00

02:20:20.000 Unless you're fucking someone with an apple, you're not really raping them for apples. 1.00

02:20:24.000 Unless it's a MacBook Pro, that's a pretty good deal. 1.00

02:20:26.000 Yeah, if you can get a MacBook Pro, all you have to do is just fuck one guy. 1.00

02:20:29.000 That seems like a really good book. 1.00

02:20:30.000 One techie.

02:20:32.000 Yeah.

02:20:33.000 I mean, whatever it was, it wasn't just that.

02:20:36.000 It was just the way this guy was just so aggressive with me.

02:20:39.000 It was just like, to such a point, and he put his hands on me, like on my shoulder, and said, oh, it's okay.

02:20:44.000 Like, looking me in the eye, saying, it's okay.

02:20:46.000 I understand.

02:20:46.000 You just hate America.

02:20:47.000 I understand.

02:20:48.000 Oh, so dismissive. 1.00

02:20:49.000 When people get dismissive, it's like, fuck you. 1.00

02:20:50.000 Putting his hands on me, I was like, dude, get your fucking hands off me. 1.00

02:20:54.000 And that's when it turned ugly. 1.00

02:20:56.000 I was like, you gotta get your fucking hands off me. 1.00

02:20:58.000 Don't touch me, dude. 1.00

02:20:59.000 Don't touch me and talk crazy. 1.00

02:21:00.000 So you hate America. 0.97

02:21:01.000 Well, because I questioned it?

02:21:02.000 Escalated it. 0.99

02:21:03.000 He had escalated it to not just that I hate America, but that he was going to do some weird alpha shit to me and hold on to me. 0.99

02:21:09.000 It was really gross. 0.99

02:21:11.000 That does push it up a level when somebody touches you or pats you on the head.

02:21:15.000 It was a long time ago, by the way.

02:21:16.000 It was a long time ago.

02:21:17.000 Who knows if I would have ever even entered into that conversation.

02:21:21.000 Today, I don't think I would.

02:21:22.000 I think today I'm much more skillfully out of evading nonsense.

02:21:26.000 I would have known what it was.

02:21:27.000 Possible upside?

02:21:28.000 None.

02:21:29.000 None.

02:21:29.000 I would have known.

02:21:30.000 But back then, I would be like, fuck this guy. 1.00

02:21:32.000 He fucking touched me. 1.00

02:21:33.000 You know, it was like, I was ready to kill him. 1.00

02:21:35.000 It was just, it was the most ridiculous guy ever. 1.00

02:21:37.000 Like those people in your show. 0.99

02:21:39.000 You'll run into them, man.

02:21:40.000 Oh, some of the sci-fi people. 1.00

02:21:42.000 No, the people yelling, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:21:44.000 It's like, it's on now. 1.00

02:21:45.000 It's like, you didn't have to say that.

02:21:47.000 Oh, the people at the comedy show, yeah.

02:21:49.000 Yeah, well, you know, the only way to know that you shouldn't go too far is to see the results of going too far, either by yourself or other people.

02:21:57.000 I told Fitzsimmons that when he gets into those articles, I'm like, Greg, you could have just walked away.

02:22:00.000 Oh, Greg's ready to fight everybody.

02:22:02.000 He's ready to fist fight people.

02:22:03.000 He's very competitive, too.

02:22:04.000 When I did Doug Loves Movies in San Diego, it was me and Greg Fitzsimmons, and he took it as a game, and he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough.

02:22:12.000 He could tell immediately, like, no, man, we're in a game right now. 0.98

02:22:14.000 I was like, holy shit. 0.99

02:22:17.000 Yeah, he plays good pool. 0.99

02:22:18.000 They kicked me out of my apartment because I let him stay in my apartment while I was in Australia.

02:22:22.000 And they're like, no, no sublets.

02:22:23.000 I'm like, it's not a sublet.

02:22:24.000 It's just a friend of mine.

02:22:25.000 He needs a place to stay, so I'm just letting him stay there.

02:22:26.000 They're like, no, it's not allowed.

02:22:28.000 I'm like, I'm going to keep doing that because it's my friend.

02:22:29.000 I can do that.

02:22:31.000 And she left me a note trying to get out. 0.98

02:22:33.000 That's ridiculous. 0.94

02:22:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:22:35.000 How can they do that?

02:22:36.000 It wasn't an official eviction.

02:22:37.000 It was just like, we suggest you leave.

02:22:39.000 Why?

02:22:39.000 Because I don't know.

02:22:40.000 I think she had a really good heart on for people subletting or something. 0.80

02:22:43.000 I don't get it.

02:22:44.000 People are weird with their confrontations.

02:22:46.000 I mean, some of them are necessary, but there's guys like Eddie Ift, who's a perfect example. 1.00

02:22:50.000 That motherfucker, every time you talk to him, he's got some new story about almost getting fucked. 1.00

02:22:54.000 So we're out in the parking lot, and I'm like, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you. 1.00

02:22:58.000 You guys want to go? 1.00

02:22:59.000 Let's go right now.

02:23:00.000 And I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:23:01.000 Why did it get to there?

02:23:02.000 You're fighting in a parking lot in the middle of the night, and everyone's drunk.

02:23:05.000 He hangs out with people that all are like that also.

02:23:08.000 Really?

02:23:08.000 There's also this Chris Wilde guy, I don't know if you know him or not, who's fighting with Tony Hinchcliffe right now on his show.

02:23:13.000 They're battling out.

02:23:14.000 On what show?

02:23:15.000 What do you mean by battling?

02:23:17.000 Eddie has a show, Talking Shit or whatever it's called now, and there's a guy that's always on the show called Eddie Ift.

02:23:24.000 No, Eddie Ift is our friend. 0.86

02:23:25.000 I mean, not Eddie Ift, but Chris Wilde.

02:23:27.000 Tony was on the show also with this guy.

02:23:29.000 Didn't know him, just thought he was a friend of his.

02:23:32.000 I guess what happened is like the wild guy was like kind of mad that Tony didn't know who he was or kind of like upset or something and then they kind of went back and forth on the show But now, I guess he's just, Chris Wilde won't let it drop and has been tweeting things to Tony and stuff.

02:23:48.000 I don't know if you know Chris Wilde or not.

02:23:50.000 No, I don't know him, but who cares?

02:23:52.000 He used to have a TV show. 0.99

02:23:52.000 I don't know what the fuck happened. 0.99

02:23:54.000 I can't really comment. 0.99

02:23:54.000 I don't know what the specifics of it were, but I'm on Team Tony Hinchcliffe always. 0.99

02:23:59.000 All day.

02:23:59.000 All day, son.

02:24:00.000 Who's that chick over there? 1.00

02:24:02.000 That's Rosa Parks, son.

02:24:03.000 That's Rosa Parks? 1.00

02:24:04.000 Yeah.

02:24:05.000 Yeah.

02:24:07.000 I don't think that's a yarmulke. 1.00

02:24:08.000 She's so light-skinned. 0.68

02:24:09.000 She's more light-skinned than Jimi Hendrix. 1.00

02:24:10.000 It's like as light as you fucked? 1.00

02:24:12.000 It's hard to tell in that photo. 1.00

02:24:14.000 No, I went a little darker than that.

02:24:15.000 Black and white photo.

02:24:16.000 So is the Hendrix photo.

02:24:17.000 It's a black and white photo.

02:24:19.000 That's Toronto.

02:24:19.000 He got busted for heroin, son.

02:24:22.000 Had heroin.

02:24:24.000 I went to visit his childhood home in Vancouver.

02:24:27.000 They have a small shrine to him.

02:24:28.000 Really?

02:24:28.000 Yeah.

02:24:29.000 And Jeff Ross and Big Jay Oakerson went there one year.

02:24:31.000 Imagine that.

02:24:32.000 Dude died at 27, 28 years old.

02:24:34.000 Was he 27 or 28?

02:24:35.000 27. 27 years old and he's got a shrine.

02:24:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:38.000 Where's your shrine, bitch? 1.00

02:24:39.000 I don't have a shrine. 1.00

02:24:41.000 How come you ain't got no shrine in D.C.? It's a good question. 0.95

02:24:43.000 It's a good question.

02:24:44.000 That should be your goal.

02:24:45.000 A lot of people want HBO specials. 1.00

02:24:47.000 You should have a fucking shrine. 1.00

02:24:47.000 I want a shrine. 1.00

02:24:49.000 An Ari Shafir shrine.

02:24:50.000 Ari the Great was born here.

02:24:53.000 Shrine. 1.00

02:24:54.000 Ari the Great escaped from the mediocrity of his mother's pussy. 1.00

02:24:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:59.000 Right here. 1.00

02:25:00.000 Just make my own shrine.

02:25:02.000 Why not?

02:25:04.000 You can write it. 0.99

02:25:05.000 Like, if you ever read someone's bio on their website, you know they wrote it themselves and it makes you want to fucking throw up.

02:25:10.000 My friend Avi Lerner lives in a part of, like, near Washington, D.C. where people have historic houses things, and he just made one up.

02:25:16.000 Made up a historic house?

02:25:17.000 Yeah.

02:25:18.000 It was, like, a stop on the Underground Railroad or, like, something like that.

02:25:21.000 He just made it up.

02:25:22.000 Did he apply for it?

02:25:23.000 Like, it made it a real, uh...

02:25:24.000 I don't know exactly how he did it.

02:25:26.000 If he, like, went to the city, I'm like, this happened here, so if we could get a plaque.

02:25:28.000 Or if he just bought a plaque.

02:25:30.000 Oh, okay.

02:25:31.000 Probably mostly bought a prac, right?

02:25:33.000 It would be really hard to, like, pass that through them.

02:25:36.000 Get the city to tell them, like...

02:25:37.000 Yeah, they'd be like, wait a minute.

02:25:38.000 Unless you were, like, super convincing.

02:25:40.000 Yeah, it was like some writer stayed here when he was visiting.

02:25:43.000 Well, there's probably a bunch of places that do kind of qualify for that.

02:25:46.000 For instance, Stephen King has a house in Maine, in Bangor, Maine.

02:25:52.000 And that house should be a historical house.

02:25:55.000 Is there someone writing there and setting it there?

02:25:56.000 Not just that.

02:25:57.000 That was his house for so long. 0.99

02:25:59.000 And he's got these wrought iron gates that have these bats on them and shit. 1.00

02:26:03.000 It's a really dope-ass house. 0.99

02:26:05.000 And it's in the middle of this town of Bangor, Maine. 0.98

02:26:08.000 And everybody knew about it.

02:26:10.000 And he's such a legendary writer that that house to me is like, that's like an iconic house.

02:26:15.000 So you'd put like a historic preservation on it. 0.89

02:26:17.000 Yeah, make it a fucking museum for Stephen King fans to come in and see this is the desk that he actually wrote some of his novels at. 0.95

02:26:24.000 I love those little museums across the country. 0.99

02:26:26.000 That would be dope, dude.

02:26:28.000 I'll tell you, man, if they did that, they would pay for that house a dozen times over.

02:26:31.000 Just let people go and see. 1.00

02:26:32.000 Fuck yeah, I would pay. 1.00

02:26:34.000 If I was in Boston and I knew I could fly up and just check out the desk where Stephen King wrote The Shining, oh fuck yeah, I would look at that thing. 1.00

02:26:43.000 I just want to be in the room.

02:26:45.000 This is where he wrote Cujo and he didn't remember it.

02:26:47.000 Soak it in?

02:26:48.000 Yeah.

02:26:49.000 What do you mean he didn't remember it?

02:26:50.000 He did so much coke and drank so much booze.

02:26:52.000 He didn't even remember writing it.

02:26:53.000 Stephen King did coke?

02:26:55.000 Oh my god, did he do coke?

02:26:57.000 Wow. 0.99

02:26:57.000 Stephen King was a maniac. 0.99

02:26:59.000 Wow, he just jumped up so many cool points. 0.63

02:27:01.000 Stephen King would smoke cigarettes, do massive amounts of coke, and drink beer.

02:27:05.000 And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night, and just write until he blacked out, and then fall asleep, and then get up in the morning and coke it up, and just do it again. 0.95

02:27:13.000 Yeah, he was a maniac. 0.93

02:27:14.000 Wow. 1.00

02:27:15.000 He wrote Cujo, a frothing at the mouth dog.

02:27:17.000 Doesn't remember any of it.

02:27:18.000 Oh, it was all him.

02:27:19.000 He was Cujo.

02:27:20.000 Who knows?

02:27:21.000 I mean, I'm sure there were some analogies in there somewhere between a lot of his demons and the actual demons he was experiencing by being an addict.

02:27:29.000 But he was getting addicted to cocaine.

02:27:30.000 I heard his on writing or whatever the book is.

02:27:32.000 It's great.

02:27:33.000 I heard it's amazing.

02:27:34.000 It's great.

02:27:34.000 Yeah, I've got two copies of it in case I lose one.

02:27:36.000 Oh, wow.

02:27:37.000 Yeah, it's really good.

02:27:38.000 It's really good.

02:27:40.000 He's a master to me, you know, and a master of a specific type of...

02:27:46.000 Oh, that genre was him.

02:27:47.000 Well, it's a specific type of entertainment that I really enjoy, like complete fantasy.

02:27:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:27:52.000 Vampires and demons and spaceships with aliens, and I love that shit. 1.00

02:27:57.000 I love it. 1.00

02:27:57.000 I love the short stories. 1.00

02:27:58.000 Yeah, dude, I love all that stuff.

02:28:00.000 I'm a huge, huge Stephen King fan.

02:28:02.000 To me, he's like, he made the world a cooler place.

02:28:05.000 He made...

02:28:06.000 He made the world a place with the movie Carrie, you know, with the book Carrie, with Christine, that movie about the haunted car. 0.98

02:28:14.000 That was a fucking great movie, man. 0.69

02:28:16.000 He wrote that book, too, which is even better than the movie. 0.99

02:28:19.000 Yeah, Christine was. 0.78

02:28:20.000 A lot of them were.

02:28:21.000 The books are too long.

02:28:23.000 There's too much detail.

02:28:24.000 You would like to have seen it all in the movie, but it's impossible.

02:28:27.000 The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. 0.94

02:28:28.000 They got a lot of shitty actors in a lot of those movies, though, like Salem's Lot. 0.97

02:28:32.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:28:32.000 They got a lot of, like, let's just do this for 40 grand. 0.97

02:28:34.000 Yeah.

02:28:34.000 Yeah, well, I think Salem's Lot was for television.

02:28:37.000 I think that wasn't made for television.

02:28:39.000 Was it?

02:28:39.000 That was a bad one.

02:28:40.000 Was it Salem's Lot made for television?

02:28:42.000 I think it was.

02:28:44.000 Then there was the Silver Bullet movie, the Silly Werewolf movie.

02:28:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:28:49.000 With Corey Haim, remember?

02:28:50.000 Oh, yeah.

02:28:51.000 Aw. 0.99

02:28:52.000 But then he also wrote fucking Stand By Me. 0.99

02:28:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:28:55.000 Which is so out of his genre.

02:28:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:28:58.000 No, he could write anything, man.

02:28:59.000 Yeah.

02:29:00.000 He could write anything. 1.00

02:29:01.000 He's a bad motherfucker, dude. 1.00

02:29:02.000 And then he followed those, not minor league, Cub Scout baseball players, what are they called? 1.00

02:29:10.000 Little Leagues.

02:29:11.000 He followed one and started writing articles with them and they went all the way to the Little League World Series.

02:29:15.000 Really?

02:29:15.000 While he was following them, writing about them.

02:29:16.000 Oh, I didn't know about this.

02:29:17.000 From, like, Bangor.

02:29:18.000 Like, the Bangor main team went to, like, the Nationals or something.

02:29:20.000 Oh, and he was, like, writing in their local paper about them?

02:29:22.000 Yeah, just following them along that season.

02:29:24.000 That's so crazy.

02:29:25.000 Yeah.

02:29:26.000 Well, it must be awesome for those guys.

02:29:27.000 Well, he can do whatever he wants, you know?

02:29:28.000 He can do whatever he wants, man.

02:29:30.000 He doesn't have to apologize to say anything to anybody.

02:29:32.000 Yeah, he's an interesting cat, Stephen King, for sure.

02:29:34.000 And he's really giving in the way he communicates his ideas.

02:29:38.000 You should have him on your podcast.

02:29:39.000 I would love to.

02:29:40.000 I would love to.

02:29:42.000 He's interesting in the way he communicates how he goes through his process.

02:29:46.000 He's super honest about it.

02:29:47.000 And he's one of the rare guys that doesn't have a set up Like, story in his head.

02:29:53.000 He, like, has these characters, and he has this idea that he starts with, and then he just goes.

02:29:58.000 He just starts writing. 0.96

02:29:59.000 He just starts writing, almost like goes into this crazy trance and constructs this world, and then you get sucked into it, and then you read it after he's done with it, and you're like, holy shit. 0.95

02:30:10.000 You know, he just brings it out of nowhere.

02:30:12.000 It's not like...

02:30:13.000 Like we had Scott Sigler on the podcast, who's a really cool guy and a very, very good writer as well.

02:30:18.000 But he has a totally different approach.

02:30:20.000 Scott Sigler's approach is he knows exactly where he's going.

02:30:23.000 He knows where it's going to end.

02:30:24.000 He knows where this is going to happen and get changed up.

02:30:26.000 He knows where this...

02:30:27.000 And then he has to just sort of fill it in and figure it out.

02:30:29.000 With details.

02:30:30.000 Yeah.

02:30:30.000 And, you know, make it to his liking.

02:30:32.000 But he's very systematic about it.

02:30:35.000 And we were talking about Stephen King's approach that he just lets it go.

02:30:39.000 You know, I just don't do it that way.

02:30:40.000 I couldn't do it that way.

02:30:41.000 But for him, obviously, it worked.

02:30:43.000 But Sigler's a great writer, too.

02:30:45.000 I mean, his way works, too.

02:30:46.000 There's no right or wrong way to do it.

02:30:50.000 Yeah.

02:30:50.000 Do you write like that?

02:30:51.000 Do you, like, say, I want to write a joke about driving a car?

02:30:55.000 No, I'll toss things over my head, I'll write a note in my notebook, and then when I look to see what jokes I should do on stage tonight or whatever, I'll keep passing that note and I'll keep thinking about it.

02:31:04.000 And then when I'm driving or when I'm on the subway, I'll keep thinking over it and then I'll just do it on stage.

02:31:09.000 So you don't actually sit in front of the computer?

02:31:11.000 Uh-uh.

02:31:11.000 How come you don't?

02:31:12.000 Do you try that?

02:31:13.000 I've tried it, I've done it before, but it's never really stuck.

02:31:16.000 I just kind of think things out in my head.

02:31:17.000 I just let my mind wander.

02:31:18.000 I think you should write blogs. 0.99

02:31:21.000 I think you would have some fucking hilarious blogs, dude. 0.98

02:31:23.000 And it gives you... 0.95

02:31:24.000 The thing about writing blogs is it gives you an opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about a subject.

02:31:30.000 Because in the time that it takes you to write it and type it out...

02:31:32.000 You have to think a lot more.

02:31:33.000 You're thinking a lot more.

02:31:34.000 And you're thinking a lot more in the containment of a particular subject.

02:31:38.000 It's forcing you to actually do the thinking.

02:31:40.000 Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:31:41.000 It's forcing you to focus on one particular subject, too.

02:31:44.000 And sometimes just that extra focus is all you need to get that extra path that you take off that bit.

02:31:50.000 Like, you know how sometimes you find a bit, like, I don't know if it's this way for you, but for me it is at least.

02:31:54.000 I'll have an initial direction, and then along the way I realize that's not the right direction.

02:31:59.000 The right direction is one of the other taglines, and then I'll go towards that.

02:32:03.000 And then the original bit just dies.

02:32:04.000 Yeah, totally turns it on its head.

02:32:06.000 Yeah, totally turns it on its head.

02:32:08.000 I find that those take place more when I sit down and write things.

02:32:13.000 Oh, really?

02:32:14.000 Yeah, because I give myself more paths.

02:32:17.000 Like, say if you're talking about lava lamps, whatever, and you're going on a lava lamp path.

02:32:23.000 While you're on that path and you're writing it out, instead of just thinking about it in your head, when you're forced to actually mash those keys and form a sentence in the correct way, like you're gonna read it to somebody.

02:32:35.000 You know?

02:32:36.000 Oh, that Shrivner?

02:32:37.000 Yeah.

02:32:37.000 Yeah, that's pretty dope.

02:32:38.000 What's that?

02:32:39.000 It's a writing software program.

02:32:41.000 You can't see it.

02:32:42.000 It's a cork board with index cards on it, but a virtual cork board.

02:32:46.000 And you can put your notes on those virtual cork boards.

02:32:51.000 Oh, that's good. 0.96

02:32:51.000 Evernote sucks. 0.96

02:32:52.000 Well, I like Evernote because it lets me sync up to it. 0.95

02:32:55.000 They lose stuff.

02:32:55.000 They don't lose stuff for me.

02:32:56.000 They lose stuff.

02:32:58.000 Really?

02:32:59.000 I looked and it's been written about.

02:33:00.000 They lose stuff for you, too.

02:33:02.000 Really?

02:33:02.000 Yeah.

02:33:03.000 It's been written about online?

02:33:04.000 Yeah.

02:33:05.000 Ooh, that's not good.

02:33:06.000 Yeah.

02:33:07.000 Anyway, I think more people would benefit from blogs.

02:33:14.000 That's why I've written some of my best stuff.

02:33:15.000 So I'm going to start going back into blogs.

02:33:18.000 I'm going to commit to one blog a week.

02:33:20.000 Really?

02:33:21.000 Yeah.

02:33:22.000 And then what?

02:33:22.000 You won't mind doing material out of your blogs?

02:33:24.000 Nope.

02:33:25.000 I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea.

02:33:27.000 It's an idea in the blog and then it becomes a bit.

02:33:29.000 A full thing.

02:33:30.000 Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs.

02:33:32.000 You know, it's like, I think people like to read things, and I think that some of them are never going to go to see my stand-up.

02:33:38.000 Super fans will get to see the germinations of these ideas.

02:33:41.000 And if you don't like it, that's okay.

02:33:42.000 I get it.

02:33:42.000 I mean, I've heard people complain about subjects that we talk about on the podcast.

02:33:45.000 But it's like, that's what's on your mind.

02:33:47.000 The problem is, that's what's on your mind.

02:33:48.000 So I'm going to do it on stage, what's on my mind. 0.99

02:33:50.000 It's also the problem that some people are just annoying cunts that like to complain about shit and they get to talk too. 0.99

02:33:55.000 Everybody gets to talk. 0.99

02:33:57.000 It's one of the beautiful things about the internet and one of the annoying things about the internet is that even people that are not thoughtful, that are all fucked up and really hypercritical and annoying and not rational about it, 0.84

02:34:13.000 they get to talk too.

02:34:15.000 There's a guy who was a video game guy that just quit social media.

02:34:19.000 Cliffy B? Quit his Twitter.

02:34:21.000 No, it wasn't Cliffy B. It was another guy.

02:34:23.000 He's famous for making YouTube videos.

02:34:26.000 There was this thing that they were going over his career and his constant battling with people on these social network sites.

02:34:36.000 And when people would say mean things about him, he couldn't help it.

02:34:39.000 He had to respond.

02:34:40.000 He would get involved in these crazy fights.

02:34:42.000 And then he started having his employees handle his trigger for him, and that relieved him of a little bit of his anxiety. 0.87

02:34:47.000 Then he got to a point where he's like, I can't fucking do it anymore. 0.96

02:34:50.000 I'm going crazy. 0.91

02:34:50.000 I have real health problems, the stress of this. 0.91

02:34:54.000 When you start looking for that shit and reading that shit and getting into that shit, it can fuck with your head, man. 1.00

02:35:00.000 If you do something that people don't like and they all start attacking you for it, attacking you as a human being and trying to hurt your feelings, there's not just one, there's like 20 of them in a day. 1.00

02:35:11.000 What was that about, though?

02:35:13.000 What is what about?

02:35:14.000 Those people doing that?

02:35:15.000 No, why'd you say that?

02:35:17.000 Because this guy did that.

02:35:18.000 He quit.

02:35:18.000 He quit all his social media.

02:35:20.000 To get away from it.

02:35:21.000 Yeah, he just couldn't take it anymore.

02:35:22.000 He makes his living off his YouTube channel.

02:35:25.000 This huge YouTube channel.

02:35:28.000 Millions and millions of subscribers.

02:35:29.000 And he's got a huge Twitter following.

02:35:32.000 Hundreds of thousands of Twitter people.

02:35:34.000 Deleted it all.

02:35:35.000 Yeah, because he just couldn't take it anymore.

02:35:36.000 Good for him, it's his life.

02:35:37.000 I know, it is his life.

02:35:38.000 But it's interesting, like that battle, you know, with the criticism and negative people online.

02:35:45.000 I released that, I was worried, but I released my album online with commentary.

02:35:49.000 I put it on my podcast.

02:35:50.000 Why were you worried?

02:35:52.000 Well, because I was worried that someone would say, the only worry, it was like someone was going to say like, oh, this is just lazy because you didn't want to do another podcast episode this week.

02:35:58.000 And that first comment was, Lazy. 0.99

02:36:01.000 And I'm like, motherfucker. 1.00

02:36:02.000 But that was the only one. 0.99

02:36:03.000 But it was like the first one. 0.87

02:36:04.000 I was like, goddammit. 0.94

02:36:05.000 You can't listen to those people. 1.00

02:36:07.000 Those people are shitheads. 1.00

02:36:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:36:08.000 You know, you can't tell me that I'm supposed to be... 1.00

02:36:10.000 It bothers me, though.

02:36:10.000 If somebody tells me, like, oh, I saw this joke last time or whatever, it's like, it just bothers me.

02:36:15.000 Well, you need to let them know, look, I'm working on jokes, and the only way to work on jokes is you've got to do them more than once.

02:36:21.000 A bit is never finished unless it's done 20, 30, 50, depending on the bit.

02:36:26.000 I mean, it's got to be done a lot of times.

02:36:28.000 You have to do it on stage and perform it and tweak it and move it around.

02:36:31.000 And if you think that, like...

02:36:33.000 You go to see me in this town, then you go to see me in another town, and it's going to be a totally different act a month later.

02:36:38.000 It's not possible.

02:36:39.000 It's crazy.

02:36:39.000 I need to work on that stuff.

02:36:41.000 A lot of my stuff that I've released in the past, I wish I'd worked on it more.

02:36:46.000 I wish I'd spent more time going over it.

02:36:48.000 Yeah, but that requires new people to come, I guess.

02:36:50.000 Yep.

02:36:51.000 Well, it also requires you have to do it on stage.

02:36:54.000 I had Everlast on the podcast yesterday.

02:36:57.000 We were talking about the difference between writing a song and writing a joke.

02:37:00.000 I've never made a joke without the help of other people.

02:37:03.000 Because every joke I make, it has to be done in front of an audience, and they let me know what's working.

02:37:08.000 It's a combined effort.

02:37:10.000 It just is.

02:37:11.000 I'll write some good ideas that'll work the first time I get on stage, But they get better when you do them in front of an audience and you figure them out.

02:37:18.000 And you've got to take chances.

02:37:19.000 You've got to do them this way and you've got to move the punchlines.

02:37:22.000 Intel's really good at that.

02:37:23.000 Changing an order.

02:37:25.000 Let me examine each of these a bunch of different ways.

02:37:27.000 You never know, man.

02:37:28.000 Sometimes you nail one and it's just the perfect way to say it and you can't believe you used to say it another way before.

02:37:33.000 Yeah, Paul's right. 1.00

02:37:34.000 And some suck, man. 0.98

02:37:35.000 You know, Chris Rock famously talks about one of his greatest bits of all time. 1.00

02:37:41.000 You know that bit that I love black people and I hate niggers? 1.00

02:37:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:37:44.000 Remember that bit? 1.00

02:37:46.000 That's one of the all-time classic.

02:37:48.000 He certainly did.

02:37:49.000 But it's one of the all-time classic comedy bits.

02:37:52.000 It's just a brilliant bit.

02:37:53.000 Well, he said that that bit bombed.

02:37:55.000 Louis C.K. told me this.

02:37:57.000 He said that the bit bombed for like a year.

02:37:59.000 Really?

02:38:00.000 Couldn't get it to work right.

02:38:01.000 And then finally, he figured out how to get it right.

02:38:04.000 He just figured out how to do it right, but he believed in it.

02:38:07.000 He believed in the premise, so he chased the premise down until he got to a point where it was just a weapon.

02:38:12.000 And then by the time it was on his special, it's just flawless, that bit.

02:38:17.000 That bit's so classic.

02:38:18.000 It's a legendary bit.

02:38:20.000 Legendary bit.

02:38:21.000 But that's a perfect example.

02:38:23.000 It's a legacy bit.

02:38:23.000 You can't do that if you want to hear the same jokes every week.

02:38:26.000 Rather, you want to hear new jokes every show.

02:38:30.000 Because you're never going to get to that level.

02:38:32.000 Dude, it was really great going in New York.

02:38:34.000 We're going to do four, five, six spots a night.

02:38:36.000 And if you work on one bit and you do one, you get that feeling of like, oh, I was a little dead in the middle there.

02:38:40.000 It wasn't enough laughs.

02:38:41.000 But then usually I wait 24 hours before attacking it again.

02:38:44.000 I sort of forget.

02:38:45.000 This time, it's 40 minutes later.

02:38:47.000 I'm doing it again.

02:38:48.000 I'm like, oh, it's still weak in the middle there.

02:38:49.000 So then on the subway, I'm like, I've got to...

02:38:57.000 Right, right, right?

02:38:58.000 You're like, I've fixed this up a little bit.

02:39:00.000 You know?

02:39:01.000 It was almost like a dilapidated house.

02:39:03.000 You're like, I've done some work on it now.

02:39:05.000 Sometimes when I'm in a bit that's not really working, I try to think of myself, like when I'm writing especially, I try to think of myself as instead of making a bit, instead of trying to turn it and figure out a way to make a bit, just figure out a way to just express what's going on and what you're talking about.

02:39:21.000 What is actually going on?

02:39:22.000 Add a bunch of shit to it that's not necessarily in the writing aspect of it. 1.00

02:39:26.000 Like, write a bunch of shit out. 1.00

02:39:27.000 Talk about the whole thing. 1.00

02:39:29.000 Read...

02:39:29.000 What do you mean?

02:39:30.000 Whatever the subject is.

02:39:31.000 Describe the building or whatever.

02:39:32.000 Describe what, you know, emotions you were having.

02:39:34.000 Describe how embarrassed you felt.

02:39:36.000 Describe why you were embarrassed. 1.00

02:39:38.000 Add a bunch of shit you know you're never gonna say on stage. 1.00

02:39:41.000 A bunch of shit. 1.00

02:39:42.000 Go way too far. 1.00

02:39:43.000 And then look at it and just start cherry picking.

02:39:46.000 And then go, oh, this makes sense.

02:39:48.000 If I could cut that out and go right to this.

02:39:50.000 And sometimes you just give yourself more.

02:39:53.000 Yeah, by going too far.

02:39:54.000 My acting teacher would tell us that.

02:39:55.000 If people weren't going even close to far enough, they'd be like, why did you cheat on me?

02:39:58.000 He was like, you're not going far enough.

02:40:00.000 I'm pretty upset.

02:40:01.000 It doesn't look like that.

02:40:02.000 And he would always go, just do it ten times too much.

02:40:05.000 Just for argument's sake.

02:40:06.000 Let me just see that.

02:40:07.000 And people would do it.

02:40:08.000 He goes, okay, pull that back.

02:40:09.000 Like, 3%.

02:40:10.000 Like, you're just barely over the line.

02:40:12.000 Right.

02:40:12.000 Like, that's where you should be.

02:40:14.000 You gotta take chances, and people don't want to take chances, and that's one of the things that is the hallmark of bad acting.

02:40:19.000 Yeah.

02:40:19.000 It's people that don't really want to dive into and become someone else.

02:40:23.000 They're still clinging on to who they are.

02:40:24.000 What are you talking about?

02:40:26.000 You're not even going in there.

02:40:27.000 Yeah.

02:40:27.000 They don't even know how to be.

02:40:28.000 I noticed Freddie would do that.

02:40:29.000 When he would, like, really do his dad getting exasperated, he would lift his hand all the way up over his head, like, why are you doing this?

02:40:35.000 Right.

02:40:35.000 Like that, and you see, like, new open micers Trying something similar, and their hand would come up to their side.

02:40:40.000 They'd be like, why are you doing that?

02:40:41.000 They just didn't have the guts to stick with it to just go for it.

02:40:45.000 There's a commitment. 0.99

02:40:46.000 Because it's so foolish if you fail like that. 1.00

02:40:49.000 It's way more foolish. 1.00

02:40:50.000 We've all done that. 1.00

02:40:51.000 We've over-committed to bits and tried to pump them up and they're just dog shit. 1.00

02:40:56.000 You know that feeling, Brian? 0.99

02:40:58.000 You know what I'm talking about when you're in the middle of a bit and you're really working it and you're like, oh my god, I can't even get out of this bit.

02:41:03.000 Yeah, it's usually the dolphin one when people start talking like women get disgusted about it or something.

02:41:10.000 Yeah.

02:41:11.000 Not the dolphin one, I'm sorry, the stripper one.

02:41:13.000 Oh, that's even more, yeah.

02:41:14.000 Well, what are they going to do?

02:41:17.000 It's not for everybody.

02:41:18.000 Some people like bluegrass.

02:41:19.000 It sucks because that story is like 10 minutes long.

02:41:22.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:41:23.000 Once you start when you realize the whole crowd is not that into it, you're like, oh, I really should have stopped.

02:41:27.000 Well, I found a way out of it, though, lately.

02:41:29.000 Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of, like, not doing well with a bit, too, is that it shows other paths.

02:41:35.000 Yeah, well, also, I like doing it for crowds.

02:41:37.000 I like doing bits for crowds, a mix between either putting on the best show or doing bits that I think this crowd won't like to see if I can make it work here.

02:41:44.000 You know what I mean?

02:41:45.000 Right, right, right.

02:41:45.000 If it's a real dark joke and there's a real conservative crowd, I could do my more conservative jokes, but I'd sort of rather work on this in front of these people, work on this really harsh thing in front of these people.

02:41:54.000 That's why I like going to Australia and Switzerland and Amsterdam doing shows in other countries.

02:41:58.000 I want to know what parts of these really work in different environments.

02:42:02.000 And Comedy on State has a Thursday night college night, so it's all college students.

02:42:07.000 You know, 250 of them.

02:42:09.000 So it's like, yeah, let me see how they relate to this.

02:42:11.000 Right, right.

02:42:12.000 College kids are a different thing, man.

02:42:14.000 Because when you do, like, colleges, one of the things that you realize, like, almost immediately, is how little experience a lot of them have in life.

02:42:20.000 Like, a lot of them are coming from their parents' houses, from protected environments of their home, to a dorm, with a bunch of savage, hormonally-charged teenagers. 0.97

02:42:31.000 Sticking things inside their bodies all day, whether it's needles or dicks or just fucking and doing drugs and getting crazy. 0.99

02:42:39.000 I mean, people are getting crazy. 1.00

02:42:42.000 Remember how much fucking you did when you were in college? 1.00

02:42:45.000 Zero. 1.00

02:42:45.000 Oh no, I barely won. 1.00

02:42:47.000 You didn't do any fucking? 1.00

02:42:48.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

02:42:48.000 You were a virgin religiously, for religious purposes. 1.00

02:42:52.000 Yeah, but then I dropped the religion.

02:42:53.000 I still was just waiting for the right girl.

02:42:54.000 The right girl to love.

02:42:56.000 Kate Hicks.

02:42:57.000 I saw that you added that to your phone, your email list.

02:43:02.000 I had to tell everybody my new email address.

02:43:05.000 I said, if I haven't talked to you in a long time, we're enemies.

02:43:07.000 Don't take this as a sign.

02:43:08.000 You should get in touch with me again.

02:43:09.000 Unless you're K-X. Unless you're K-X, yeah. 0.99

02:43:11.000 Do you know where she is now?

02:43:12.000 In Baltimore somewhere.

02:43:14.000 Yeah.

02:43:14.000 She's doomed.

02:43:15.000 Are you friends with Facebook?

02:43:16.000 No, she won't be friends with me on any of those things.

02:43:18.000 She's doomed.

02:43:19.000 She can't get the Ari's dick anymore. 1.00

02:43:20.000 I know. 1.00

02:43:21.000 She's doomed.

02:43:22.000 That's what it is.

02:43:22.000 She's terrified.

02:43:23.000 Is she the one that got her way? 0.97

02:43:24.000 Crying in Baltimore.

02:43:25.000 There's like five that got her way. 1.00

02:43:26.000 Thinking about the Ari dick. 1.00

02:43:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:43:30.000 Yeah, I got away.

02:43:32.000 Every time.

02:43:34.000 You're the one that always got away?

02:43:35.000 Well, I mean, I definitely got dumped.

02:43:37.000 I've definitely been dumped.

02:43:38.000 But when I got dumped, I got away.

02:43:41.000 You're the one who got away.

02:43:42.000 I'm like, whoa, I got away.

02:43:43.000 Oh, wow, thank God. 0.56

02:43:44.000 But I was a maniac, too.

02:43:46.000 Don't get me wrong. 0.69

02:43:46.000 They got away as well. 0.69

02:43:48.000 It's not like either one of us wasn't goofy.

02:43:50.000 I love when you can both look back and be like, whoa, you both got out of that.

02:43:53.000 Yeah, what were we doing?

02:43:54.000 Wow.

02:43:55.000 You've got to be careful, though.

02:43:56.000 I'm so wrong for you.

02:43:57.000 You're so wrong for me.

02:43:58.000 You'll get into that situation where you think, you know, like, wow, maybe we were meant together. 0.98

02:44:01.000 Like, now we've gone through all our bullshit, and I tried to do that once. 0.98

02:44:05.000 Yeah? 0.99

02:44:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:44:06.000 Oh, right, because you're just comfortable.

02:44:07.000 A girlfriend, when I was a teenager, we met when I was 25, and we went on a date in New York and had a good time and went back and got a little of that in there.

02:44:14.000 And I was like, wow, maybe she's the one. 0.99

02:44:16.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:44:17.000 Maybe she's the one, yeah. 1.00

02:44:19.000 I did that so much.

02:44:21.000 Two days, it was a wreck.

02:44:22.000 Maybe she's the one.

02:44:24.000 That's another thing. 0.98

02:44:25.000 When you're young and single and you try to hang out for a weekend with someone that you barely know, and a day in where you're like, will you shut the fuck up? 0.99

02:44:34.000 What kind of craziness are you talking? 0.85

02:44:37.000 And you realize what kind of nonsense people talk amongst their friends and you're stuck in the middle of it. 0.86

02:44:43.000 People are just squawking at you.

02:44:46.000 Ari, have you met anyone off of Tinder yet?

02:44:48.000 One girl in Melbourne I hooked up with. 1.00

02:44:51.000 You're not supposed to tell that fucking kiss and tell, cocksucker. 1.00

02:44:54.000 Is Melbourne going to know? 1.00

02:44:56.000 There's not that many people. 0.98

02:44:57.000 They know who fucked Ari in Melbourne.

02:44:59.000 No, it's weird. 0.93

02:45:00.000 You know why I like telling you more than anything?

02:45:02.000 Because I went on one date in New York, and we made out, and that was it.

02:45:06.000 And then another date, we didn't do anything.

02:45:07.000 But it's nice to be able to reject girls that are kind of out of your league. 0.97

02:45:12.000 Just to be like, nah, you're just an eight. 0.94

02:45:15.000 No thanks.

02:45:16.000 When you're saying yes or no to all these girls, and they're putting their best pictures up, you feel like your line has gone up.

02:45:21.000 Wow.

02:45:22.000 Because you're like, why would I take this seven and a half when I just took two nines?

02:45:26.000 Wow.

02:45:26.000 And you don't have to get to match with any of them.

02:45:28.000 What are we doing to humans?

02:45:29.000 Are we devaluing them?

02:45:30.000 I don't know.

02:45:31.000 Are we breaking them down to numbers on an iPhone app?

02:45:34.000 I don't know.

02:45:34.000 Or I don't know if it's setting us free from the societal norms that aren't really us.

02:45:40.000 Definitely setting a lot of people free from the difficulty in getting laid. 0.99

02:45:44.000 I saw two hippos fucking in the zoo. 0.98

02:45:47.000 Me and Simone and Pete Seewen. 0.99

02:45:48.000 That has nothing to do with Tinder.

02:45:49.000 Yeah.

02:45:50.000 We did not meet on Tinder.

02:45:50.000 It was the base level of it.

02:45:52.000 It's like that old joke you had with the lions.

02:45:54.000 Tiger.

02:45:54.000 No like, oh, I wonder if my pilot is going.

02:45:57.000 None of that. 1.00

02:45:58.000 Just fucking. 1.00

02:45:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:45:59.000 That's what Tinder is. 1.00

02:46:00.000 That's the base.

02:46:01.000 You like me.

02:46:01.000 I like you.

02:46:02.000 We like each other's looks.

02:46:03.000 Let's do this.

02:46:04.000 Well, I think one of the things that's kept people from being more sexually liberated is that people cling when there's a shortage.

02:46:12.000 Yeah.

02:46:12.000 And when it's difficult to get sex, People cling to each other.

02:46:16.000 Yeah.

02:46:16.000 And it's difficult to find partners, difficult to find lovers and, you know, people that you enjoy being with.

02:46:20.000 It's hard to meet people.

02:46:22.000 When you find people, they get together and they get married real early.

02:46:25.000 But when people get older, instead of playing musical chairs, just grabbing onto the first chair and hanging on, and you get something like a Tinder or one of those little dating websites.

02:46:34.000 The books, yeah.

02:46:34.000 You can just meet a bunch of new people and then find who you actually like, and then you realize they're just meeting a bunch of people too, and everybody's just meeting, and it's easy to meet people.

02:46:42.000 We're all here to meet. 0.99

02:46:42.000 It's like first day at dining hall of the fucking college. 0.99

02:46:45.000 Everyone's, hi, how are you? 0.98

02:46:46.000 Yeah, and if it becomes not hard to get a date, that eliminates a lot of the stress.

02:46:50.000 Bobby Lee said it changed his life.

02:46:52.000 Really?

02:46:52.000 He said, because the thing he was worried about most was rejection, unnatural fear of it.

02:46:56.000 But this takes that out.

02:46:57.000 They've already said, yeah, I'm interested.

02:46:59.000 Wow, that's interesting.

02:47:01.000 That's a great idea.

02:47:02.000 That's a great application.

02:47:03.000 I just met this girl on Tinder, and she's like, I told her my name eventually.

02:47:09.000 I was like, well, online, it's Brian Redban.

02:47:11.000 And she goes, that's weird, my last name is Ban.

02:47:13.000 I'm like, what?

02:47:14.000 Oh, that's crazy.

02:47:15.000 And then she had come to the comedy store with Bobby Lee.

02:47:21.000 Bobby Lee met his girl on Tinder.

02:47:23.000 Brought this girl with her.

02:47:25.000 And I was like, wait, I remember.

02:47:26.000 I was like staring you down the whole time.

02:47:28.000 And then I found a picture on Comedy Store's website.

02:47:30.000 Of her?

02:47:31.000 Of the whole patio that night.

02:47:32.000 Like they took a picture of the patio.

02:47:33.000 With you and her?

02:47:34.000 And I'm staring right at her and she's staring right at me.

02:47:37.000 It's a marriage made in heaven.

02:47:39.000 I'm a psychic.

02:47:40.000 I can tell it's in the stars.

02:47:42.000 It'll definitely work now.

02:47:43.000 Read your tea leaves.

02:47:44.000 Her last name's banned though.

02:47:46.000 Isn't that weird? 0.91

02:47:46.000 Crazy. 0.91

02:47:48.000 Did you do it with her? 0.61

02:47:49.000 No, I haven't even met her yet.

02:47:50.000 It's weird.

02:47:50.000 Ari, come on, man.

02:47:52.000 How dare you?

02:47:53.000 How dare you?

02:47:54.000 It's hard for me to meet people off Tinder because it's like...

02:47:56.000 It's just a very weird situation.

02:47:57.000 Even once you said the first move, it's like, hi, so we might want to touch each other.

02:48:05.000 Yeah, it gets tricky.

02:48:06.000 It gets real tricky.

02:48:07.000 You gotta think about what you're doing.

02:48:09.000 It gets real tricky when you show up and you're like, there were about 30 pounds that weren't represented in those photos.

02:48:14.000 What do you do then? 0.98

02:48:16.000 You just enjoy the day and then at some point you're like, you know what, I don't get shit anymore. 0.99

02:48:20.000 You're looking sexy. 0.99

02:48:21.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:48:22.000 Ari Shaffir.

02:48:23.000 That's why you gotta do some research before you go.

02:48:24.000 You take a screenshot of it, cut out the picture, upload it to Google, image search, and I'll show you her Facebook page.

02:48:29.000 Oh my god, Brian.

02:48:31.000 Too crafty.

02:48:33.000 Wow.

02:48:33.000 Too crafty.

02:48:35.000 Jesus.

02:48:35.000 I just found out this girl that I met, she has a podcast on a other podcast network.

02:48:40.000 I don't know if I should tell her or not, because we've been talking back and forth. 0.99

02:48:44.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:48:45.000 Is something wrong with her having a podcast? 1.00

02:48:47.000 Yeah, I just don't like the network.

02:48:48.000 So what?

02:48:49.000 So what?

02:48:50.000 Slumber party with Allie and Georgia. 1.00

02:48:51.000 Let all that shit go. 1.00

02:48:53.000 Don't tell people online who it is, you fucking knucklehead. 1.00

02:48:56.000 You wanna ruin your life already? 1.00

02:48:58.000 It's either Allie or Georgia. 1.00

02:48:59.000 So you gotta learn how to keep secrets, you fuck. 1.00

02:49:01.000 I'm not gonna probably never meet this girl. 1.00

02:49:04.000 Oh, but you might.

02:49:05.000 You might.

02:49:05.000 You might become besties.

02:49:07.000 You might become besties.

02:49:08.000 Yeah, man.

02:49:09.000 You know, I really resent that idea that other podcasters have to be against each other.

02:49:17.000 Oh, well, all the same team.

02:49:18.000 It's just against them.

02:49:19.000 Not even talking about your situation, but when the Stitcher Awards came out, we won Best Overall Podcast.

02:49:26.000 Congratulations!

02:49:26.000 Thank you very much.

02:49:29.000 But what I was shocked by was one of the other fucking podcasts, I've never even heard of them. 0.91

02:49:35.000 They might be the nicest guys ever. 0.99

02:49:36.000 But their sound guy or something instigated some fucking hate campaign against us. 0.98

02:49:42.000 Really? 1.00

02:49:43.000 Yeah, to tweet me and say a bunch of mean shit to me. 1.00

02:49:45.000 It was like a swarm of it. 1.00

02:49:46.000 And I was like, wow, this is hilarious.

02:49:49.000 Guess what?

02:49:50.000 You can light whatever podcast you want.

02:49:52.000 You don't have to be mean to the people that other people like. 1.00

02:49:55.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

02:49:56.000 Your podcast can't be that good if that's the way you think. 1.00

02:50:00.000 If you really think that way, your podcast has got to be filled with some nonsense. 0.95

02:50:04.000 Like when David Cross hated Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross's stand-up was garbage? 0.97

02:50:08.000 Yeah, that didn't work out so well. 0.99

02:50:10.000 That was a ridiculous thing. 0.91

02:50:12.000 Like, come on, man. 0.99

02:50:13.000 You know what he's doing.

02:50:13.000 He's doing a character.

02:50:15.000 The idea that this character is like...

02:50:16.000 It's for yokels.

02:50:16.000 What do you care?

02:50:17.000 It's ruining the fabric of society because it's racist.

02:50:19.000 No, it's not.

02:50:19.000 That fabric was already done.

02:50:22.000 Racist?

02:50:22.000 Yeah, that was the argument that Larry the Cable Guy is racist.

02:50:26.000 Really?

02:50:27.000 Yeah, that was a big part of it. 1.00

02:50:28.000 This xenophobic fear of foreigners, you know, towelhead talk, that kind of shit. 1.00

02:50:34.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

02:50:35.000 There's all this shit to be worried about in this world, you know? 0.96

02:50:38.000 That weird thing where people get mad at other people for being successful, or get mad at other people for winning an award, or get mad at other people for producing something when you haven't produced something. 0.98

02:50:47.000 Yeah, I said, if you want to piss a comic off oddly, tell him he's your second favorite comic.

02:50:52.000 People will get angry.

02:50:53.000 I'm like, it's still really good.

02:50:54.000 Of all the comedians, you're number two.

02:50:55.000 That's awesome.

02:50:56.000 That's hilarious.

02:50:57.000 Who would you like better?

02:50:59.000 Yeah, that's so true. 0.98

02:51:01.000 Well, we're all fucked up in some way, or at least we come into it fucked up, and hopefully we balance out somewhere along the trip. 0.99

02:51:08.000 If you want to piss off a girl, here's what you do. 0.99

02:51:11.000 You call her and say, close your eyes and come outside right now, and then watch how disappointed they'll get.

02:51:16.000 Because women think they just deserve free things, and they'll just assume you got them a present. 1.00

02:51:21.000 That's not nice.

02:51:24.000 Sorry, Sophia.

02:51:25.000 These are terrible ideas.

02:51:26.000 You've got to vet these out with me.

02:51:27.000 Call me up next time you think about doing something like that.

02:51:29.000 I'll go, what are you going to do?

02:51:31.000 What's the benefit of that?

02:51:32.000 Are you just going to laugh?

02:51:32.000 Ha ha!

02:51:33.000 You get nothing. 1.00

02:51:35.000 You get nothing but dick. 1.00

02:51:36.000 You want some dick? 1.00

02:51:37.000 You don't? 1.00

02:51:37.000 Tough. 1.00

02:51:38.000 Somebody else does.

02:51:39.000 Look at Tinder.

02:51:40.000 Look at my phone. 1.00

02:51:41.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:51:42.000 I'm free. 1.00

02:51:43.000 I'm free, dude.

02:51:45.000 Tinder's weird.

02:51:46.000 Every high schooler has one.

02:51:47.000 So free.

02:51:48.000 What's that?

02:51:49.000 Every high schooler has one.

02:51:50.000 A Tinder?

02:51:51.000 I'm sure they do.

02:51:52.000 Every college person has one. 1.00

02:51:53.000 They're on a goddamn rampage. 1.00

02:51:54.000 Kids today are fucking with an ease and a pace that we've never experienced before. 1.00

02:51:59.000 That's why it's good that they have that HPV vaccination. 0.98

02:52:02.000 It's very important.

02:52:04.000 They can shoot that in them and then they can shoot loads at each other and not worry about that. 0.96

02:52:06.000 Anyone under 26, right? 0.98

02:52:08.000 Something like that.

02:52:08.000 Anybody young that's going to have sex should get that vaccine.

02:52:12.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:52:13.000 That shit's bad, that HPV. But that vaccine, apparently, with some folks, has given them adverse reactions. 1.00

02:52:19.000 There's a bunch of...

02:52:20.000 Like what?

02:52:21.000 I don't know.

02:52:21.000 Some people...

02:52:22.000 You know, it's like any other medication.

02:52:23.000 Some people just don't know.

02:52:25.000 They just get sick.

02:52:26.000 Some people get sick from it.

02:52:29.000 Vaccinations are tricky.

02:52:30.000 Chandra's dad got Lyme disease.

02:52:33.000 They had a vaccination for Lyme disease, but for a small percentage of the population that had a particular gene set up, they would get Lyme disease from the vaccination.

02:52:45.000 Wow. 0.99

02:52:46.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

02:52:47.000 The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. 0.99

02:52:50.000 It wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the market.

02:52:53.000 Whoa, God.

02:52:54.000 Do you see what's going on in Venezuela right now?

02:52:56.000 Yep.

02:52:57.000 It's crazy riots.

02:52:58.000 Crazy riots.

02:52:58.000 It's happening all over the world.

02:52:59.000 Millions of people on the street protesting against their government.

02:53:02.000 All over the world.

02:53:03.000 Mm-hmm.

02:53:04.000 Put up some of the pictures.

02:53:05.000 In the Ukraine also?

02:53:06.000 What are your people doing, Ari?

02:53:08.000 So Venezuela's not his people. 0.91

02:53:09.000 How dare you. 0.99

02:53:11.000 Well, they're just tired of this fucking really shitty setup that they have in a lot of these countries. 1.00

02:53:17.000 Quit cheating us wrong. 0.99

02:53:18.000 Do what we want for once.

02:53:19.000 Yeah.

02:53:20.000 You actually don't own us.

02:53:22.000 You don't have power over us.

02:53:23.000 We allow you.

02:53:24.000 We elect you to positions of control.

02:53:27.000 Elect you.

02:53:27.000 You don't tell us what to do.

02:53:29.000 We tell you that you have power to do things.

02:53:31.000 The system's so corrupt, though.

02:53:33.000 It's like you can't apply any leaders in there.

02:53:35.000 It'll always be corrupted.

02:53:37.000 Not everyone, man, but most.

02:53:39.000 The system will get matched.

02:53:40.000 I think, well, also, I think people until today, until this year, people have been, I mean, until, you know, this age, I should say, the age of the internet, people have been able to get away with shit and not get in trouble with it and not have the word spread across the country, like, instantaneous. 0.53

02:53:54.000 Yeah, with Ronald Reagan, I have no recollection of that. 0.82

02:53:56.000 This is live video of it right now.

02:53:58.000 It's turned into fire.

02:53:59.000 This is live video?

02:54:00.000 It's cops versus citizens.

02:54:02.000 Oh, my God.

02:54:03.000 This is terrifying.

02:54:04.000 This is a movie, man.

02:54:05.000 Shots going off.

02:54:07.000 That light.

02:54:08.000 But you know what?

02:54:11.000 Otherwise... 1.00

02:54:11.000 Wow, look at this shit. 1.00

02:54:12.000 This is crazy. 1.00

02:54:13.000 This is live.

02:54:14.000 That's live right now. 1.00

02:54:15.000 Venezuela is a fucking... 1.00

02:54:16.000 They're rioting. 1.00

02:54:17.000 They are turning against their government.

02:54:18.000 Imagine if you were living in Venezuela right now.

02:54:20.000 This is the apocalypse.

02:54:21.000 They have regular cars.

02:54:22.000 Everything's on fire.

02:54:23.000 Guys, this is Chicago in 20 years.

02:54:25.000 Everything's on fire and guns are going off.

02:54:27.000 And this is the government trying to keep control of its citizens.

02:54:30.000 Because they're protesting and said, no, no pro...

02:54:32.000 There's outlaw protests.

02:54:33.000 That's the first thing they do.

02:54:34.000 Outlaw protests. 1.00

02:54:35.000 You can't outlaw protests, you fucks. 0.99

02:54:37.000 And start getting violent because they just want to say, don't do this. 0.99

02:54:39.000 Yeah, well, you know, they're living under a totalitarian dictatorship.

02:54:43.000 They're blocking Twitter.

02:54:44.000 If you post pictures on Twitter, they're blocking a lot of them.

02:54:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:54:48.000 Whoa, shit. 1.00

02:54:48.000 It's terrifying shit, man. 1.00

02:54:49.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:54:49.000 And you know what? 1.00

02:54:51.000 All these monarchs and all these kings and all these people that run countries are terrified of this kind of shit happening. 0.98

02:54:57.000 All these prime ministers or whatever their title is. 0.98

02:55:01.000 People in positions of power. 1.00

02:55:02.000 Call them whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

02:55:04.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:55:04.000 All these people are terrified of losing this. 1.00

02:55:08.000 They're terrified of losing their ability to control these people.

02:55:12.000 And they get used to that feeling of power.

02:55:14.000 They feel like they deserve it. 1.00

02:55:16.000 The same way we were talking about earlier, like, ridiculous celebrities think that everyone is supposed to kiss their ass. 1.00

02:55:21.000 Because they don't look at themselves. 1.00

02:55:23.000 These people don't look at themselves either.

02:55:24.000 They just dominate these people.

02:55:25.000 I like the people who support America going into, like, Syria or something like that.

02:55:29.000 And they're like, well, we gotta do something.

02:55:30.000 And my thought is...

02:55:32.000 If there were dirty dishes in the sink, you don't send a spastic toddler in there to wash it because they'll smash a bunch of dishes. 1.00

02:55:39.000 And you'll be like, well, we can't just leave the dishes dirty.

02:55:40.000 They're like, well, we've got to send in somebody.

02:55:42.000 Like, that toddler's the wrong guy to send in.

02:55:44.000 America's proven to have just spread death.

02:55:48.000 But who else would you send in if you're going to get rid of a dictator? 0.99

02:55:50.000 No, we're clearly not the ones.

02:55:51.000 We just spread death to every country we go into.

02:55:53.000 Yeah, but if you want to...

02:55:54.000 Okay, look, I don't buy what's going on in Syria.

02:55:57.000 I don't buy that we need to invade Syria.

02:56:00.000 I think it's a very complicated, gigantic mess. 0.99

02:56:02.000 But if you're going to say that someone needed to invade Syria, who the fuck would it be except us? 0.98

02:56:08.000 We're the only real superpower in the world. 0.98

02:56:09.000 But we've only...

02:56:11.000 Made more suffering and death everywhere else we've gone.

02:56:14.000 We're getting better at it, Ari.

02:56:16.000 Okay?

02:56:16.000 It takes like a joke.

02:56:17.000 It takes a lot of practice.

02:56:19.000 You've got to keep dominating worlds for a long time before you get it right to the point you can be really nice while you're doing it.

02:56:25.000 Tom, you're in a piece.

02:56:28.000 Ari Shafir on Twitter.

02:56:30.000 A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him and respect.

02:56:35.000 He will also be at the Ice House tomorrow night at 10.30 p.m.

02:56:40.000 along with Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan Trussell, and Justin Martindale.

02:56:46.000 Boom! 0.99

02:56:47.000 Sherlock, lock, boom!

02:56:48.000 And Zanies is from Chicago this weekend.

02:56:50.000 Yeah, go there to Chicago this weekend.

02:56:52.000 Ari will be warming up for Zanies. 1.00

02:56:54.000 And Zanies is a warm-up for...

02:56:57.000 Oh, the Verizon Theater in Dallas, Texas on March 14th.

02:57:03.000 Oh my goodness.

02:57:04.000 We're going to have so much fun.

02:57:06.000 What are you doing on April 3rd?

02:57:07.000 What are you doing on April 3rd?

02:57:09.000 I'm in Tempe with Zios. 1.00

02:57:10.000 Boom, son! 1.00

02:57:12.000 I'm in Miami, bitch! 1.00

02:57:14.000 Let me just say, I would reject that anyway. 1.00

02:57:17.000 I hate Miami. 0.99

02:57:18.000 One of the worst cities. 0.99

02:57:20.000 How dare you?

02:57:21.000 They're wonderful people. 1.00

02:57:22.000 Bomb them! 1.00

02:57:23.000 You creep. 1.00

02:57:24.000 They're your folks.

02:57:25.000 Yeah, some of them. 1.00

02:57:27.000 Cubans and Jews just fucking with abandon on Tinder. 1.00

02:57:30.000 Chaos fucking. 1.00

02:57:32.000 Just chaos fucking. 1.00

02:57:34.000 418, I'm in Orlando, Florida with Joey Coco Diaz. 0.99

02:57:38.000 And then 425 in Baltimore, Maryland.

02:57:41.000 Also with the master, Joe Diaz.

02:57:44.000 Alright, so we will see you guys tomorrow with Campbell McLaren.

02:57:47.000 Campbell McLaren is the man who hired me for the very first UFC that I did, which was UFC 12 in Dothan, Alabama in 1997. And he was there from the very beginning.

02:57:56.000 He'll tell us some great UFC stories.

02:57:58.000 And he's also got some new MMA league that he's putting together.

02:58:01.000 He's going to talk to us about that.

02:58:03.000 Thanks to our sponsors.

02:58:05.000 Thanks to NatureBox.com.

02:58:07.000 Good food.

02:58:08.000 Yeah, it's good.

02:58:09.000 It's yummy. 0.99

02:58:09.000 And they're sending me some gluten-free shit this week. 0.99

02:58:11.000 Son... 0.99

02:58:12.000 Get a handle on your hunger and your health.

02:58:15.000 Go to naturebox.com slash rogan.

02:58:17.000 That's naturebox.com slash rogan.

02:58:20.000 Try it now.

02:58:20.000 For your first order, 50% off by going to naturebox.com slash rogan.

02:58:26.000 Go there. 1.00

02:58:26.000 Enjoy the shit out of it, you dirty freak. 1.00

02:58:28.000 Hey, I'm having a 420 show at the Comedy Store. 1.00

02:58:31.000 Store 20. Oh, Jesus, Louisa. 0.94

02:58:33.000 Store 20 at 4 o'clock.

02:58:34.000 The Comedy Store 420 show at 420. Ari Shafir, I doubt weed will be involved in that show.

02:58:42.000 Wink, wink.

02:58:43.000 But if you do get yourself in some trouble and you need legal help, LegalZoom is not the place to go for that. 0.97

02:58:48.000 It's a place to go to for a lot of other legal shit. 0.95

02:58:50.000 Legalzoom.com. 0.89

02:58:52.000 Use the code WORDROGAN in the referral box at checkout for more savings.

02:58:55.000 Legalzoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third-party attorney and provide you with self-help services.

02:59:03.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

02:59:05.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the code WORDROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:59:12.000 Much respect, you dirty bitches. 1.00

02:59:13.000 We'll see you tomorrow. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 18, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #457 - Ari Shaffir

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