The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #473 - Jim Jefferies

00:00:02.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

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00:00:58.000 I hate people that correct you when you use the term literally. 1.00

00:01:01.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:01:04.000 They've literally now has that term in the dictionary. 1.00

00:01:09.000 It's not just figuratively. 0.97

00:01:11.000 Literally, if you look up, the definition of literally has changed in the actual fucking dictionary.

00:01:17.000 So when people correct you and say, actually, it's not literally. 1.00

00:01:20.000 You go, actually, you need to update your fucking dictionary, bitch. 1.00

00:01:24.000 Because we won. 1.00

00:01:26.000 Okay?

00:01:26.000 Bad grammar won.

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00:01:49.000 I didn't even get the space out right.

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00:01:57.000 That day is over.

00:01:57.000 Look at this awesome logo I made for you, Joe.

00:02:00.000 Boom! 1.00

00:02:00.000 Eat dick yo. 1.00

00:02:02.000 Look how easy he did that. 1.00

00:02:04.000 How long did that take you to do?

00:02:05.000 Like one second?

00:02:06.000 Exactly.

00:02:06.000 That's my new logo.

00:02:08.000 It's an elk, and it says eat dick yo. 0.99

00:02:11.000 I'm not sure about the bottom part, but everything else. 0.99

00:02:15.000 Everything else.

00:02:16.000 I'm on board, son.

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00:03:15.000 There's no nitrates, no soy, no MSG. Isn't nitrate what makes your dick hard, though? 0.99

00:03:20.000 I think that's nitric oxide, son. 1.00

00:03:22.000 You should not be a chemist.

00:03:24.000 I take a drug called Joe Rogan. 1.00

00:03:26.000 That's what gets your dick hard? 1.00

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00:04:08.000 It was a double-blind placebo trial on the efficacy of AlphaBrain, and it got positive results.

00:04:14.000 And we're in the middle of a second trial now, which is much larger and much more extensive.

00:04:19.000 I should also point out that the trial, the positive results, We're exactly half of the dose that I take.

00:04:25.000 It's two pills. 0.99

00:04:26.000 I take four of these bitches. 1.00

00:04:28.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:04:28.000 Because I'm a renegade! 1.00

00:04:30.000 I can't be fucked with! 1.00

00:04:31.000 Is this girthier charro going to be a bigger dose? 1.00

00:04:35.000 No, it's not.

00:04:36.000 No.

00:04:37.000 The two-pill dose is the recommended dose.

00:04:40.000 Does it help your thinking, your memory?

00:04:41.000 It helps your memory.

00:04:43.000 It helps clinically proven so far.

00:04:45.000 That's the weird thing about memory, though.

00:04:46.000 I never know where the mind's going because I've forgotten the things that I can't remember.

00:04:50.000 That's true.

00:04:50.000 I think I remember everything, but obviously I don't know what I've forgotten.

00:04:53.000 It's whether or not you're trying to pull it up.

00:04:54.000 I'll give you some Alphabrain.

00:04:55.000 You'll run your own Jim Jefferies clinical trial.

00:04:57.000 Yeah, man.

00:05:00.000 Onnit.com.

00:05:01.000 Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10%.

00:05:03.000 O-N-N-I-T. Code word ROGAN. If you don't know how to spell my name, go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:05:07.000 Jim Jeffries is here. 1.00

00:05:09.000 Why fuck around and play games when we can just get to the podcast? 0.99

00:05:18.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 1.00

00:05:26.000 Nick Diaz.

00:05:29.000 That never leaves.

00:05:30.000 That will stay on.

00:05:31.000 You had a question about Elvis.

00:05:33.000 These are all mug shots you've got on your wall here.

00:05:36.000 You've got an Elvis mug shot there.

00:05:38.000 I wear a t-shirt often with the Sinatra mugshot.

00:05:40.000 Ah, I got that one.

00:05:41.000 I have it framed in my house.

00:05:43.000 That's a good one.

00:05:43.000 What was he done for there?

00:05:44.000 It was...

00:05:45.000 What is the word that they used?

00:05:47.000 Adultery.

00:05:48.000 No, it wasn't adultery.

00:05:49.000 It was... 0.94

00:05:51.000 It was shagging a guy's wife, right? 0.95

00:05:53.000 Yes, it was shagging a guy's wife, but the word that they used... 0.91

00:05:56.000 Seduction.

00:05:57.000 That's the word that it says on the actual mug sheet.

00:05:59.000 That's right. 0.99

00:06:00.000 That photo of Sinatra, that mug shot, he looks better there than I've ever looked in any photo in my life where professionals have taken it and they've taken a thousand photos and they still look like shit. 0.99

00:06:11.000 Well, did you notice how little he was? 0.99

00:06:13.000 Yeah.

00:06:13.000 The mugshot photo, I think it says 125 pounds.

00:06:17.000 Yeah.

00:06:17.000 Is he 125 or 135?

00:06:19.000 He was only a slight fella.

00:06:21.000 Yeah.

00:06:21.000 But also, we even talk about Elvis.

00:06:23.000 We go in, Elvis, at the end, he was fat. 0.97

00:06:25.000 Elvis was fat.

00:06:26.000 He was like 220 pounds.

00:06:28.000 I'm like sitting at a cruisy 211 at the moment.

00:06:32.000 You know what I mean?

00:06:33.000 I go down up to about 215, I go down to about 195, and I go through that spectrum my whole life, right?

00:06:40.000 But Elvis was, by today's standards, just, he was alright.

00:06:44.000 Yeah, see, that's what I look like now.

00:06:48.000 That's at the very end.

00:06:49.000 He was anywhere between 220 and 230, but what was the mugshot for?

00:06:52.000 That's only 220 or 230?

00:06:53.000 Well, he was probably shorter than me.

00:06:55.000 I'm 6'1", so I get a little bit of leeway.

00:06:58.000 He's probably, what, 5'10", Elvis?

00:07:00.000 Yeah, how tall was 5'10"? 1.00

00:07:02.000 God damn, he got fat. 0.99

00:07:04.000 But he was dead like a year later. 1.00

00:07:06.000 Yeah, he was on his way out.

00:07:08.000 He died on my sister's birthday.

00:07:10.000 I'll never forget.

00:07:11.000 Really?

00:07:12.000 He died the year I was born.

00:07:13.000 I always liked the fact that I was alive when John Lennon and Elvis Presley were alive.

00:07:18.000 Apparently the picture was taken just for fun.

00:07:21.000 Oh, the mugshot, so he never went to prison for anything?

00:07:24.000 No, Elvis was a law enforcement nut, and the picture was taken just for fun.

00:07:28.000 That's according to one site on the internet.

00:07:30.000 Because that could have been when he went to visit the FBI and visited Nixon and all that type of stuff, because he was there.

00:07:37.000 He visited Nixon for the war against drugs.

00:07:40.000 Yeah, it's hilarious.

00:07:43.000 Against the Beatles.

00:07:44.000 Man, these Beatles.

00:07:45.000 They're all doing drugs, and we gotta stop that.

00:07:48.000 We gotta stop it.

00:07:48.000 We gotta stop it, man.

00:07:49.000 He was apparently arrested in the 1950s for speeding, but that was before he made it.

00:07:57.000 Well, when did he make it?

00:07:59.000 About 1954, I reckon, would have been around that era. 0.98

00:08:03.000 Sun Records and all that shit. 0.96

00:08:04.000 Well, that would be him then. 0.96

00:08:05.000 That would be like right as he made it, he was speeding.

00:08:08.000 Yeah, but he was only in his early 20s.

00:08:10.000 Like 18-year-old speeding in the car.

00:08:12.000 We all got those.

00:08:13.000 I remember the first time I got caught speeding, I was 16, and I just didn't have the money, so I thought if I broke down in tears, the cop would...

00:08:23.000 I thought, oh my god, I don't have the money.

00:08:25.000 Did it work?

00:08:25.000 No, of course he didn't.

00:08:27.000 He just fucking fired me. 0.98

00:08:28.000 And the worst thing is, my brother is a cop, and he reported it to my brother, and then my brother teased me in the near future. 0.99

00:08:38.000 Yeah.

00:08:38.000 My brother used to do awful things.

00:08:40.000 My brother's named Danny Nugent.

00:08:43.000 I don't think that's bad to say.

00:08:44.000 He's a member of the Riot Squad now.

00:08:47.000 I was driving home at 17, which is still not the legal age to drink in Australia.

00:08:54.000 And I'm driving home, and I had two beers.

00:08:56.000 Now, I would have been under the limit, but still I'm not even allowed to have two beers in me because I'm 17, right?

00:09:01.000 I get pulled up, I get breathalyzed, the guy goes, please breathe in the tube, and I said, my brother was a sergeant at that stage, and I was like, oh, you know Danny Nugent?

00:09:10.000 You know Danny Nugent?

00:09:11.000 He goes, no, I never heard of him, right?

00:09:15.000 So he goes off to his vehicle.

00:09:17.000 He's there for like 15 minutes.

00:09:18.000 I'm just sitting in the car just panicking now.

00:09:20.000 He comes back out and he goes, step out of the vehicle.

00:09:24.000 Is there a problem?

00:09:25.000 Anything of it?

00:09:25.000 Just step out of the vehicle right now.

00:09:27.000 So step out.

00:09:28.000 He cuffs me and smacks me onto the bonnet of the car.

00:09:32.000 Right?

00:09:32.000 And I start, oh Jesus Christ!

00:09:35.000 Oh fuck! 1.00

00:09:36.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:09:37.000 Like this, right? 1.00

00:09:38.000 And then I hear my brother laughing on the radio.

00:09:41.000 Like, he's actually gone back to his car, radioed the station, talked to my brother, and he's scared the shit out of him.

00:09:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:48.000 And because it's cops, and they're going, oh, we're just joking with you.

00:09:51.000 Like, I'm wiping tears away from my eyes.

00:09:53.000 Like, good joke, guys.

00:09:54.000 Well done.

00:09:54.000 Thanks for that.

00:09:57.000 But, you know, I still have one more line of defense, and it's mum.

00:10:01.000 Went and told mum on him.

00:10:02.000 How'd that go?

00:10:03.000 What does your mum do? 1.00

00:10:04.000 Well, my mum is still angry because I shouldn't have been drinking to begin with and blah, blah, blah.

00:10:09.000 I still got in trouble for that.

00:10:10.000 But, yeah, it's...

00:10:11.000 Now he's like... 0.95

00:10:13.000 He's in the SWAT team, so he's like the guy who, you know, fucking wears the helmets and swings him in the machine gun type of thing. 0.99

00:10:19.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97

00:10:21.000 And the thing is, for the longest time, my parents were so like, oh, your brother's the cop.

00:10:26.000 It was like the most upstanding job you could have in our family.

00:10:30.000 And so my brother became a weapons trainer before he was in the SWAT team, so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that.

00:10:35.000 There was many a Christmas where I'd stand there, and then my brother would go, yeah, we've been traveling over to America.

00:10:41.000 We've learned some new holds from the American cops.

00:10:44.000 And we learnt one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they can't, like this.

00:10:49.000 And then my mum goes, do it on gym. 1.00

00:10:52.000 No, I don't want you to fucking do it. 0.97

00:10:53.000 Why are you doing this to me? 0.97

00:10:55.000 Right?

00:10:56.000 Then he comes up and grabs.

00:10:57.000 I goes, don't touch me.

00:10:58.000 He goes, see how he's resisting, mum?

00:10:59.000 See how he's resisting? 1.00

00:11:02.000 Always end with me with my fucking head in a shag pile, just crying again. 1.00

00:11:07.000 Your fucking mom, man. 1.00

00:11:08.000 Your mom sold you down the river? 1.00

00:11:10.000 I would think that mom's the last thing they would want to see is one son torturing the other son. 0.82

00:11:14.000 No, no.

00:11:15.000 Because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian, my mother was very keen on using my eldest brother as the muscle when we got too big.

00:11:25.000 Oh.

00:11:25.000 How old's your oldest brother?

00:11:27.000 My oldest brother's seven years older than me.

00:11:28.000 Oh, that's a big gap.

00:11:30.000 And then I have another brother that's five years older than me.

00:11:32.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:11:33.000 That's why you're funny.

00:11:34.000 And I was meant to be a girl because my mom desperately wanted to have a baby girl.

00:11:38.000 So she gave it one more go.

00:11:40.000 And then when I didn't come out a baby girl, she didn't unwrap the blanket for the first four days. 0.95

00:11:47.000 For the first month, she never unwrapped the blanket because she didn't want to see my genitalia. 0.58

00:11:51.000 And she didn't hold me for the first four days. 0.93

00:11:54.000 Whoa.

00:11:54.000 She went into such depression over having another boy.

00:11:56.000 And then she got really passionate about collecting porcelain dolls. 0.99

00:12:00.000 So there was four men living in her house and this house that was just filled with fucking creepy dolls. 0.98

00:12:05.000 Remember in the old days when you could put something on top of your TV? That was sort of a joy. 0.99

00:12:09.000 Like you'd go go-karting, you'd beat your brother and you had the first trophy. 0.96

00:12:11.000 So for a week you'd put that on top of the TV because you know he'd constantly be looking at it and niggle the shit out of him. 0.54

00:12:17.000 Those days are gone, right? 0.53

00:12:18.000 But my mother would always have like a different porcelain doll or maybe like a... 1.00

00:12:21.000 A porcelain clown juggling one of those little statuettes.

00:12:25.000 Something very upsetting would always be looking at you whilst you were trying to enjoy a Betamax version of Star Wars.

00:12:31.000 When did you find out about the not being held?

00:12:34.000 She told me.

00:12:35.000 She tells me all the time that she always wanted to have a girl.

00:12:39.000 She didn't even have a boy's name ready to go.

00:12:42.000 Oh my god.

00:12:43.000 Like, she was just...

00:12:44.000 And she didn't want to have the ultrasound.

00:12:45.000 She didn't want to know.

00:12:46.000 It wasn't... 0.99

00:12:46.000 What the fuck is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the gender so badly that they get upset? 0.99

00:12:52.000 And the thing is, my mum... 0.99

00:12:53.000 It's not like she's a super effeminate woman where she would have been a good... 1.00

00:12:56.000 Like, it might be... 0.95

00:12:57.000 Like, I'm not a good-looking guy, but my parents would have made her an horrendous-looking woman. 1.00

00:13:02.000 Like, it would have been just a chinless, pale thing, just with thin, wispy hair.

00:13:07.000 It wouldn't have been a good looking girl. 1.00

00:13:10.000 A boy is the best thing they could have hoped for with the fucking piss that's been pissed into my gene pool already. 1.00

00:13:17.000 From the different sides. 0.99

00:13:18.000 I've got a great story about...

00:13:19.000 But women don't see that. 1.00

00:13:20.000 Yeah, of course they don't.

00:13:22.000 If you're a woman and you're surrounded by men, I think it would be really frustrating.

00:13:25.000 My mother's 300 pounds and she thought she...

00:13:27.000 I don't know whether the intention was to make a hot chick.

00:13:29.000 I don't know if that was...

00:13:30.000 She just wanted to make a girl.

00:13:34.000 But I've got a story that I don't want to tell in front of my girlfriend because it will upset her because it will make my life a bit harder.

00:13:40.000 And I don't want to tell it on any Tonight shows or anything.

00:13:43.000 So I'll tell it here.

00:13:44.000 I just did a zombie movie in Australia, which isn't anything to do with this story, but I was in Australia.

00:13:49.000 And so I'm in Australia.

00:13:50.000 My parents drive to Canberra, where we're at, on the weekend to spend a day with me.

00:13:55.000 And it's fair enough, I haven't seen my parents in six months or something.

00:13:57.000 So I'm spending time with my mum and dad.

00:13:59.000 Now, back in the early 90s, my father was getting closer to retirement, and then he found a credit card bill, because my mother took care of the money, found out that she'd run up.

00:14:19.000 I think?

00:14:29.000 So my parents live off that, and then...

00:14:30.000 But my father takes care of all the money.

00:14:33.000 He pays all the bills, and he balances the books, because my mum can't be trusted when it comes to shopping. 0.99

00:14:37.000 And so I'm talking to my parents, and my mum goes, all I want is my half of the money, his half of the money, and then he can have his half of the money, we'll split the bills, and then I can do what I want with my money.

00:14:48.000 But instead, I'm given an allowance because I'm not responsible enough for money.

00:14:51.000 I said, mum, you can't take care of the money, mum. 0.99

00:14:53.000 You can't, because you'll fuck it up. 0.99

00:14:55.000 You'll go online, you've... 0.97

00:14:57.000 You've found internet shopping now. 1.00

00:14:58.000 You'll fuck it up. 0.99

00:14:59.000 You'll lose everything. 1.00

00:15:00.000 Get more credit cards.

00:15:01.000 It'll be terrible.

00:15:02.000 And she goes, oh, I'm not the problem with money anymore.

00:15:06.000 Your father's the one that spends all the money.

00:15:08.000 Now, we're in a public bar, by the way.

00:15:09.000 There's many people sitting around us.

00:15:11.000 It's a very public, open area.

00:15:13.000 Your father's the one who spends all the money now.

00:15:15.000 And then she points to my dad and goes, tell him.

00:15:17.000 Tell him what you spend your money on.

00:15:19.000 And I've already clicked what this might be.

00:15:20.000 And I've gone, oh, look, I don't want to know.

00:15:23.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

00:15:24.000 And then my mother goes, your father gets prostitutes. 0.98

00:15:28.000 Right? 1.00

00:15:29.000 And I've gone, oh, God, just shut up, both of you, please, for fuck's sake. 1.00

00:15:35.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:15:35.000 And she's gone, yep, every Wednesday, your father, before he goes to play lawn bowls, goes off and gets himself a prostitute. 1.00

00:15:43.000 And then my dad went, not every Wednesday. 0.97

00:15:46.000 LAUGHTER He didn't even try to deny it.

00:15:52.000 It was just not every Wednesday.

00:15:54.000 It makes him sound like at least three out of four Wednesdays.

00:15:57.000 He takes a week off every now and again. 0.99

00:15:59.000 Yeah, like it costs him in Australian money for a very cheap prostitute. 0.99

00:16:03.000 It's legal in Australia in a brothel. 1.00

00:16:04.000 Maybe a hundred bucks for a pretty low-end sort of girl. 0.99

00:16:08.000 A rub and tug power. 0.95

00:16:09.000 So he went to a place to get it done.

00:16:11.000 He didn't.

00:16:11.000 No, no, no.

00:16:12.000 It's not like here where you've got to go to a hotel and all that type of stuff.

00:16:15.000 There's just brothels in there. 1.00

00:16:16.000 They're very legal and they're very well signposted and stuff.

00:16:19.000 It's not such a big deal in Australia.

00:16:22.000 It actually makes it a bit safer, if anything, because the girls have to get tested. 1.00

00:16:27.000 They have to bring their results in all the time and they're paying taxes.

00:16:29.000 It definitely makes it safer.

00:16:31.000 It's like everything else.

00:16:32.000 As soon as the government says it can't be illegal when it's something that people really enjoy doing...

00:16:36.000 Lowers divorce substantially.

00:16:38.000 Of course it does.

00:16:39.000 I'm sure it does.

00:16:40.000 I don't begrudge my dad for doing this.

00:16:43.000 I just don't want to hear about them.

00:16:44.000 They're in their 70s.

00:16:45.000 My mom's morbidly obese. 0.98

00:16:47.000 My dad's still quite fit.

00:16:48.000 Of course, he wants to get his end away sometimes.

00:16:51.000 His end away. 0.61

00:16:52.000 There's a book called Sex at Dawn by this guy.

00:16:55.000 Dr. Chris Ryan.

00:16:57.000 I do a podcast with him once a month.

00:16:59.000 And he basically goes over in great detail what is the root cause of the reason why men want to breed with more than one woman.

00:17:10.000 Why does marriage do so poorly?

00:17:13.000 Why do so many people want to stray?

00:17:14.000 It's genetic.

00:17:16.000 It's 100% genetic.

00:17:17.000 If you could squash that with... 1.00

00:17:19.000 Robot fuck dolls or prostitution that's legal. 1.00

00:17:23.000 Whatever you have that's non-relationship based. 1.00

00:17:26.000 Yeah, or ruining anyone else's life. 0.95

00:17:28.000 You're just getting some sex. 0.98

00:17:30.000 That's it. 1.00

00:17:31.000 Only sex. 0.99

00:17:33.000 Are prostitutes over in Australia, are they thought of differently than prostitutes here? 1.00

00:17:38.000 Is it not that big of a deal? 0.96

00:17:40.000 It's not as big of a deal.

00:17:42.000 They are thought of...

00:17:43.000 They're not given a load of respect or anything.

00:17:46.000 It's not like...

00:17:47.000 They're heroes.

00:17:47.000 In Germany and Holland and stuff, it's really not a big deal.

00:17:53.000 No, it's still kept...

00:17:56.000 Fairly, you know, the clubs are called things, like the big one in Melbourne is called the Daily Planet.

00:18:00.000 And it looks like the front of the Daily Planet from Superman with the big globe.

00:18:05.000 That's awesome!

00:18:07.000 That's in Melbourne?

00:18:08.000 That's in Melbourne.

00:18:09.000 That's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel, which is what my TV show Legit, which is on Wednesdays on FXX at 10pm.

00:18:18.000 We need ratings.

00:18:20.000 But that was the whole basis of my TV show, was taking a disabled guy to a brothel, yeah. 1.00

00:18:27.000 Wow.

00:18:28.000 This season, incidentally, talking about my dad, my father will be played by George Lazenby, who was James Bond for one movie.

00:18:37.000 George Lazenby?

00:18:38.000 Why do I know that name?

00:18:39.000 He was James Bond.

00:18:41.000 No, that's not why I know it.

00:18:42.000 It's actually, there's a Paul Lazenby who's a mixed martial arts commentator for Bulldog Fights.

00:18:47.000 Old George isn't related to anything like that.

00:18:50.000 Yeah, Lazenby is what got me.

00:18:52.000 I was like, why do I know that name?

00:18:53.000 George did one James Bond film, was booked to do seven, and then he... 0.99

00:18:58.000 Told him to fuck off after Sean Connery because he went, ah, this franchise isn't going to go on for too long. 0.99

00:19:04.000 Because it was 1970. He was like, everyone wants long hair and beards. 1.00

00:19:08.000 No one wants to look like this fucking idiot from a bank. 1.00

00:19:11.000 And he told him to fuck off and he never was really in a movie again. 1.00

00:19:15.000 You can't tell him to fuck off when they ask you to be James Bond. 1.00

00:19:18.000 He was a male model, never acted before. 1.00

00:19:20.000 Really?

00:19:20.000 He just went straight into it.

00:19:22.000 He's got some fucking stories, man. 1.00

00:19:24.000 That's him? 1.00

00:19:25.000 No, no.

00:19:25.000 Pull up a picture of the guy.

00:19:28.000 George Lazenby.

00:19:29.000 George Lazenby.

00:19:30.000 I need to see this character.

00:19:31.000 Now he's in his mid-70s, but in his day, he was the number one male model on Earth in 1969. The number one male model on Earth. 0.83

00:19:38.000 And he was from a country town in Australia.

00:19:40.000 There he is. 1.00

00:19:41.000 Look at that handsome bastard. 1.00

00:19:43.000 He does have beautiful genetics. 0.99

00:19:45.000 He's got that 1970 handsome thing going on too.

00:19:47.000 Pull that back up.

00:19:48.000 That's like, that wouldn't really fly today. 0.99

00:19:50.000 You know, it's like they had poor nutrition, they're eating fucking, you know. 0.98

00:19:54.000 Everyone was sort of shorter. 0.98

00:19:55.000 He's like 6'4", and he's sort of, you know, he has a little bit of a bobblehead motion going on, and a big dimple in his chin.

00:20:03.000 Yeah, but like, look at his face.

00:20:04.000 There's almost something about his face.

00:20:06.000 Like, pull that picture up again.

00:20:07.000 Oh, it's like, good looks in the 80s were different.

00:20:10.000 People like Molly Ringwald wouldn't.

00:20:12.000 No, pull the same picture up.

00:20:13.000 Go back to that picture.

00:20:15.000 There's something about this guy, and I don't know if it's his style of hair, but that's not a guy from today.

00:20:22.000 But you know what I mean?

00:20:23.000 In 2014, okay, how old is he about?

00:20:27.000 37, 38 years old in this photo?

00:20:28.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:20:30.000 If he's 70 now, that's 1969 when that film was made.

00:20:36.000 So he's probably 24 or something like that.

00:20:38.000 What?

00:20:39.000 How's that possible?

00:20:40.000 But back in the day, everyone was smoking and drinking.

00:20:43.000 You all looked a little bit more leathery.

00:20:47.000 Put that picture back up.

00:20:48.000 Look at it.

00:20:50.000 If you saw that photo and said, where is this guy from?

00:20:52.000 What time is this?

00:20:54.000 You would say the 70s.

00:20:55.000 What is that? 1.00

00:20:56.000 There's something about his fucking face. 1.00

00:20:59.000 That's not a guy that was born after 1920 or something like that. 1.00

00:21:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:21:04.000 Yeah, I know.

00:21:05.000 There's that weird thing that they have.

00:21:07.000 He looks like a guy from this...

00:21:08.000 Like Burt Reynolds in his prime.

00:21:10.000 That guy doesn't exist today.

00:21:12.000 No.

00:21:13.000 We're all slightly changing.

00:21:16.000 I think that women's faces in the 80s were rounder. 0.58

00:21:19.000 Oh, I think you're right.

00:21:21.000 Moon faces.

00:21:22.000 Or that was deemed to be a good look, and we now shun the moon-faced woman. 1.00

00:21:27.000 Shun the moon-faced woman? 1.00

00:21:29.000 The moon-faced woman in the 80s was a thing. 1.00

00:21:31.000 Yeah, is it a weight thing?

00:21:33.000 It's a weight thing, right?

00:21:34.000 I don't know.

00:21:35.000 You guys know that's a real issue for women to get so skinny that they lose the roundness of their face. 1.00

00:21:42.000 They want to have...

00:21:44.000 Like sculpted cheeks.

00:21:45.000 That's a moon face too.

00:21:46.000 That's a quarter moon.

00:21:51.000 What is he going to do now that he's retired?

00:21:53.000 Doing a lot of comedy apparently.

00:21:55.000 I'm doing a lot of shows at the Comedy and Magic Club because he used to do every Sunday night.

00:21:59.000 He used to try out his monologue.

00:22:00.000 I'm there actually the 30th.

00:22:01.000 I was just there.

00:22:02.000 I'm doing probably like one or so every month I'll probably do at the Sunday nights because he's on the road now.

00:22:09.000 He's just doing comedy.

00:22:10.000 Is he a good stand-up?

00:22:11.000 I assume he was.

00:22:12.000 Let me tell you something.

00:22:12.000 At one point in time, he was thought of, and it's tough to judge, because you've got to judge it based on the fact that this 1970 and everything from 1970 doesn't hold up.

00:22:22.000 Yeah.

00:22:23.000 Except for George Liza.

00:22:24.000 A few movies, except for him.

00:22:25.000 There's a few movies, but like television shows, for example.

00:22:28.000 Try to watch a television show from the 70s.

00:22:30.000 They're very, very dated.

00:22:31.000 Yeah.

00:22:31.000 So his comedy, it's hard to date it, just like Lenny Bruce.

00:22:35.000 I always concede that he's the most important stand-up ever, but I don't want to watch him.

00:22:38.000 I don't want to listen to him.

00:22:39.000 Yeah, I've tried.

00:22:40.000 I sit down and listen to the tapes and I try to...

00:22:42.000 It's too alien a time.

00:22:44.000 It's not us.

00:22:46.000 We're too free.

00:22:47.000 What he's saying is just not...

00:22:48.000 But then you can get...

00:22:49.000 From the 80s, you can still enjoy people.

00:22:51.000 Prior, you can still watch.

00:22:53.000 In Kinison, you can still watch.

00:22:54.000 Things change considerably, though, I think, from the 1960s to the 1980s.

00:22:57.000 I can watch 1970s Cosby.

00:23:01.000 Yeah, you can still.

00:23:03.000 Well, he's a master.

00:23:04.000 He's really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller.

00:23:07.000 But it's also, he was dealing mostly at that stage at, oh, I've got a wife and young kids, and this is how it is, and that stuff always sticks around.

00:23:15.000 If you're a political guy, it always dates very horrible.

00:23:18.000 Yes, that's so true. 0.99

00:23:20.000 Or if you're talking about society and how this is fucked up and that is fucked up, that doesn't... 0.99

00:23:25.000 It's interesting, culturally, to go back and listen to some shit where people were complaining about, you know, like Lenny Bruce has some stuff where he's complaining about politicians. 0.99

00:23:34.000 It doesn't make you laugh, though. 0.96

00:23:36.000 No.

00:23:37.000 But anyway, Leno, it's hard to say when you look at his stuff now, because it just seems so pedestrian. 0.99

00:23:43.000 But I think that back in the 1970s, Leno was a motherfucker. 0.99

00:23:47.000 The reason I say it is because all the comics say it. 0.99

00:23:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:50.000 That's what I've heard as well, yeah. 1.00

00:23:51.000 Yeah, all the guys who knew him back then go, he was a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:23:54.000 He was a legit comic. 0.99

00:23:56.000 He was really good.

00:23:56.000 He was the guy in the club that everyone went, he's here, and came down.

00:24:00.000 He was a hard worker.

00:24:02.000 But then somewhere along the line, he stopped writing.

00:24:04.000 This is kind of interesting.

00:24:05.000 Like, he would go to, he would do shows.

00:24:08.000 Like, and then do the same show the next year.

00:24:10.000 Go back to the same place next year.

00:24:12.000 Verbatim.

00:24:12.000 Every joke.

00:24:13.000 From the beginning to the end.

00:24:15.000 And, like, the people in Edmonton.

00:24:17.000 I was in Edmonton and they were telling me, like, we went to see him.

00:24:19.000 He did another set and, like, play some of this.

00:24:22.000 I'm originally from the United States.

00:24:26.000 Any United States people here tonight?

00:24:29.000 That's funny because he's in America.

00:24:31.000 As Freddie mentioned, I have a slight call.

00:24:34.000 I have to apologize for that.

00:24:36.000 What I've had is about two weeks.

00:24:38.000 I went to the hospital over here, one of the large hospitals in California.

00:24:42.000 I don't want to say the name.

00:24:44.000 Just shows you where healthcare is in the state.

00:24:45.000 This is absolutely true.

00:24:46.000 I went in, man charged me $40, gave me some pills to take.

00:25:08.000 That's it?

00:25:10.000 That's it?

00:25:11.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:25:12.000 You shut the fuck up, J-Low. 1.00

00:25:15.000 Everybody who told me he's great, you shut the fuck up too. 1.00

00:25:19.000 Imagine if I came in to you and before the podcast, I said, Joe, I want your opinion on a bit of material. 0.99

00:25:28.000 And you ran that by me.

00:25:29.000 And then I went, and then the guy goes, what do you think?

00:25:34.000 And then there was Steve Martin at the time.

00:25:35.000 That's the beginning of a bit.

00:25:37.000 That's the beginning of a rant.

00:25:39.000 Like, what do I think? 1.00

00:25:40.000 Motherfucker, isn't this your job? 1.00

00:25:41.000 Yeah, you've got to go into the next bit. 1.00

00:25:43.000 Then it would be a bit.

00:25:45.000 That would be the bit.

00:25:46.000 It was a setup for a bit.

00:25:48.000 Steve Martin was still funny.

00:25:49.000 Yeah.

00:25:49.000 He was brilliant.

00:25:50.000 And this is from the same year, and I bet you it blows all that away.

00:25:54.000 Well, he was very different.

00:25:56.000 You know, Steve Martin was one of the most uniquely original, like, onstage performance...

00:26:01.000 I can't believe he brought out so many recordings and not actual video.

00:26:07.000 He's such a visual act to go, I'm going to have an arrow on my head and put this onto a cassette.

00:26:13.000 What I was going to say about Jay Leno is Jay Leno stopped putting things out.

00:26:18.000 He doesn't do anything.

00:26:18.000 He doesn't do an HBO special, won't do a Showtime special, doesn't do anything.

00:26:21.000 Have you noticed there's no body of work?

00:26:24.000 There's one thing he did for Showtime in the early 1980s, and I used to have it on a VHS cassette.

00:26:31.000 But after that, nothing.

00:26:33.000 And, you know, when they ask him about it, it's like, man, why would I do that?

00:26:35.000 I gave him my showtime.

00:26:37.000 I gave him my big, you know, my whole act, I gotta write a new act.

00:26:41.000 No, I mean, give it to them, and this act's going to make me millions of dollars.

00:26:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:45.000 Like, his attitude, like, his act was like, uh, he's just real old school in that respect.

00:26:50.000 Like, those guys, they thought about, if they did an HBO special, they didn't think, oh, this is just going to get my comedy out to more people, they'll enjoy it, it'll get more people to come see me.

00:27:00.000 No, it was like, oh, I'm going to give them my, I'm going to sell my act, and then I can't do my act, and if I can't do my act, I'm losing all that money that I can't do my act.

00:27:07.000 I try to do a DVD every sort of 18 months or so, and then I retire the material as soon as I've done it.

00:27:14.000 We all do that now, I think.

00:27:15.000 I think that's the new era.

00:27:17.000 I mean, once the internet came along, I think that's mandatory.

00:27:20.000 You know, George Carlin always did it, and then Louis C.K. started doing it and telling people that he did it, and then you start looking around, who are all the people that do it, like Burr does it, you do it, you know, Ari does it.

00:27:31.000 It's one of those things now, I think, that kind of everybody does.

00:27:34.000 It's expected.

00:27:34.000 Yeah.

00:27:35.000 Yeah, I think...

00:27:36.000 I also now, I don't do...

00:27:38.000 I won't do stand-up on television for four minutes.

00:27:41.000 I won't either.

00:27:42.000 Good for you. 1.00

00:27:42.000 Good for fucking you, man. 1.00

00:27:43.000 I just knocked back doing Fallon for that, and they're like... 1.00

00:27:46.000 Like, not anything special.

00:27:50.000 If I can be a guest on a show, like I'm doing Kimmel next week or whatever, that's fine, but I don't want to burn four minutes that I could put onto an actual special.

00:27:58.000 Well, not only that, it's not your act.

00:28:01.000 Yeah, and I don't translate well over four minutes.

00:28:04.000 No one does.

00:28:05.000 I feel like the Tonight Show culture in America, the late night show culture in America, fucked up a lot of comedians for a very long time.

00:28:15.000 Because they come over to Europe and they look at all the British acts and go, geez, all your stories are so long-winded and all that type of stuff.

00:28:20.000 Where everyone over here seemed to, for a very long time, trying to make a snappy five minutes.

00:28:25.000 And that's not where it's at in the long term.

00:28:26.000 You're totally right.

00:28:27.000 It ruined Boston comedy. 0.73

00:28:29.000 There's a whole documentary that this guy, Fran Salamita, who was a Boston comic, did about it, called When Stand-Up Stood Out.

00:28:36.000 And it's all about Stephen Wright making it.

00:28:39.000 Stephen Wright getting on...

00:28:40.000 Was it Letterman?

00:28:41.000 Did Stephen Wright get on Letterman or Tonight Show?

00:28:44.000 I think it was Letterman.

00:28:45.000 Probably Letterman.

00:28:46.000 Whichever one it was.

00:28:47.000 The Letterman or Tonight Show.

00:28:49.000 The documentary's excellent.

00:28:51.000 But it shows how everybody changed then.

00:28:54.000 They all started doing clean material.

00:28:55.000 They all started trying to get on television. 0.97

00:28:57.000 They're like, when am I going to get fucking picked up? 0.98

00:28:59.000 What's going on? 0.99

00:28:59.000 When's this going to happen to me? 0.99

00:29:01.000 This is the documentary.

00:29:03.000 It was like being on an island.

00:29:05.000 And the only thing there was trying to make the audience laugh.

00:29:10.000 They took a city by storm and without even knowing it, ignited the biggest stand-up revolution ever.

00:29:21.000 No vanity.

00:29:24.000 No rules.

00:29:25.000 Follow me in here.

00:29:27.000 Hiya girl, how are ya?

00:29:28.000 No regard.

00:29:30.000 I love that footage.

00:29:36.000 Give me security.

00:29:38.000 That was unnecessary.

00:29:40.000 Take a journey back to a gritty world blown apart by excess, success, clashing egos, even death threats, all in the name of stand-up comedy.

00:29:52.000 Comedy has become a thriving business as club owners fill their rooms to capacity weekend after weekend.

00:29:58.000 It was a really good time to be doing stand-up.

00:30:01.000 That was like the beginning of thinking there's a big future in this thing.

00:30:05.000 Critics called when stand-up stood out, hugely entertaining and hilarious, and have voted it one of the greatest stand-up movies of all time.

00:30:12.000 Comedians were just like rock stars.

00:30:15.000 I quit doing comedy.

00:30:17.000 I'm broke now.

00:30:20.000 Official selection of the Montreal Comedy Festival and winner of the Telluride Independent Film Festival.

00:30:26.000 A film by Fran Salamita.

00:30:29.000 It's a great movie, but the point being that...

00:30:31.000 Look how young he looks.

00:30:32.000 Amazing, huh?

00:30:33.000 That was when he was...

00:30:35.000 He was pretty revolutionary, man.

00:30:38.000 When Stephen Wright came along?

00:30:39.000 Nobody was like him before that.

00:30:40.000 He came to see me at Caroline's with his publicist or something like that.

00:30:46.000 Afterwards, he's selling your DVDs and signing and doing photos and stuff for you.

00:30:50.000 He waited in line with everyone and he came and bought A DVD and something.

00:30:56.000 He goes, I thought you were great.

00:30:57.000 Like that, right?

00:30:57.000 And I was like, who is this cat?

00:30:59.000 I know this cat.

00:31:00.000 But he's just like an old guy in a baseball hat, right? 0.80

00:31:03.000 And I went, Stephen Wright?

00:31:06.000 And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:08.000 Then he walked away.

00:31:09.000 And then I went, he'd been standing next to all these comedy fans and no one had noticed him.

00:31:14.000 It's the beard, right?

00:31:14.000 Yeah, the beard, but it's also the hat.

00:31:16.000 But you wouldn't expect him to queue up.

00:31:17.000 If he went to the front of the line and said hello, people would have noticed him.

00:31:21.000 Because he stood there so incognito and did it.

00:31:23.000 And then I went... 0.99

00:31:25.000 Fucking hell, everyone. 0.99

00:31:26.000 That was Stephen Wright. 0.99

00:31:27.000 And then all the people who were waiting to take a photo with me chased after him. 0.99

00:31:31.000 So you sucked them on him. 1.00

00:31:33.000 No one took a photo with me after that or bought any DVDs. 0.99

00:31:35.000 I was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv, and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway into the conversation.

00:31:45.000 I thought he was just some dude who came to the show and wanted to talk to me after the show.

00:31:48.000 And he's talking to me about the dolphin bit, eating mushrooms or eating pot brownie.

00:31:55.000 I went on a boat and I had this life-changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins.

00:31:59.000 And I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams comes up to me and he's talking to me about the bit and we're talking and I'm like, this is just this cool old dude. 0.98

00:32:09.000 This is fucking Robin Williams. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:32:12.000 He's a tiny little fella. 1.00

00:32:13.000 But it was a bizarre thing, like in the middle of the conversation.

00:32:17.000 I'm just going, oh, thanks, man.

00:32:18.000 Thank you.

00:32:20.000 Whoa.

00:32:22.000 I have a theory on why actors and some comedians are super short in comparison to the general populace.

00:32:29.000 Need for attention.

00:32:31.000 Yeah.

00:32:31.000 I was at the Fox with the TV show.

00:32:34.000 There's a party they have for Fox, for everything that's Fox related, where every star of every show has to show up.

00:32:41.000 It's in your contract.

00:32:42.000 You have to be there, right?

00:32:44.000 And all the reporters go around and talk to you.

00:32:47.000 So there's famous people, and then there's Jennifer Lopez walked in, and then all the famous people were like, wow, there's a real famous person.

00:32:54.000 But then I was standing next to Keith Sutherland who looked like he was five foot nothing to me.

00:33:00.000 Really?

00:33:00.000 Yeah.

00:33:01.000 I just thought he was a big guy.

00:33:02.000 Because he plays Jack Bauer, you think he's a big guy.

00:33:04.000 And then Martin Freeman was there because he's in now the new Fargo, and he's an itty-bitty...

00:33:08.000 The new Fargo?

00:33:09.000 They have a Fargo TV show now?

00:33:11.000 Yeah, FX are bringing it out.

00:33:12.000 It's got Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman, Kate Walsh is in it. 0.99

00:33:18.000 Holy shit. 0.98

00:33:19.000 Does it have anything to do with the Coen brothers? 0.99

00:33:23.000 It's...

00:33:24.000 I don't know if it's got any...

00:33:25.000 But it's been reviewed through the roof.

00:33:27.000 People are saying it's the best thing.

00:33:28.000 It's coming out in like 16 days.

00:33:30.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

00:33:31.000 Oh, that's... 0.99

00:33:31.000 I fucking love that movie. 0.99

00:33:33.000 That's one of my all-time favorite comedies. 0.99

00:33:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:35.000 Because there's no jokes in the entire fucking thing. 0.99

00:33:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:38.000 It's just fuck up after fuck up after... 1.00

00:33:41.000 You know, just... 0.99

00:33:42.000 It's a completely character-driven thing.

00:33:45.000 That car salesman, the failure car salesman that fucks everything up...

00:33:48.000 What's that cat's name?

00:33:49.000 I don't know.

00:33:50.000 I haven't seen the movie.

00:33:51.000 Bill something or another?

00:33:52.000 The guy was in Shameless.

00:33:53.000 That's cool. 0.99

00:33:54.000 The billboard, the post they got, the bus stops, which is like a knitted fucking rug. 0.99

00:34:00.000 It's pretty cool, huh? 0.98

00:34:03.000 What's that guy's name who is on that shameless show on HBO or on Showtime?

00:34:08.000 The guy who plays the lead?

00:34:10.000 Yeah.

00:34:10.000 He's in Mystery Men as well.

00:34:12.000 Yeah, what's that?

00:34:13.000 It's a shovel.

00:34:14.000 Yeah, Bill Macy.

00:34:15.000 Yeah, right?

00:34:15.000 William H. Macy?

00:34:16.000 William H. Macy, yeah.

00:34:17.000 He's a very nice guy.

00:34:18.000 I met that guy when I was on news radio.

00:34:20.000 He's super friendly.

00:34:22.000 Very, very friendly guy.

00:34:23.000 Is he short, though?

00:34:24.000 I'm short, so it's hard to tell.

00:34:26.000 Everybody seems giant to me.

00:34:28.000 Everything in this world is just people trying to pick up chicks. 0.98

00:34:34.000 Because that's why you get into anything.

00:34:35.000 Not in the long term, but in your younger years...

00:34:38.000 In your teens, it's just about, how can I meet women?

00:34:42.000 How can I meet women? 1.00

00:34:43.000 So if you're at school and you're a good-looking guy, then that's your way of meeting women, if you're just a really good-looking guy.

00:34:49.000 And if you're really good at sport, that's your way. 0.98

00:34:51.000 But if you're short, you better be fucking funny. 0.97

00:34:54.000 Or if you're not good-looking, you better be funny. 1.00

00:34:57.000 Or if you're not funny and all those things, then you better learn how to do a Shakespearean monologue in fucking drama class. 0.99

00:35:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:05.000 You better have something.

00:35:07.000 You better have some little thing that's different from everybody else.

00:35:11.000 So I think that's why all the actors, I don't think, because all the actresses are tall. 0.68

00:35:16.000 Some of them are.

00:35:17.000 There's a lot of short actresses. 1.00

00:35:18.000 It's like Nicole Kidman.

00:35:19.000 She says she marries Tom Cruise.

00:35:21.000 He's an itty-bitty fella.

00:35:22.000 He's not as itty-bitty as everybody says.

00:35:24.000 It's sort of like the Napoleon thing.

00:35:25.000 Her new husband's really small.

00:35:27.000 Well, you know, Napoleon wasn't really a short guy.

00:35:29.000 I didn't know that.

00:35:30.000 It was British propaganda.

00:35:32.000 Napoleon was actually taller than the average person at the time.

00:35:35.000 Really?

00:35:35.000 Yeah.

00:35:36.000 Well, it wasn't tall compared to today.

00:35:38.000 He's like 5'6".

00:35:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:40.000 But back then, everybody was fucking... 0.99

00:35:41.000 They were really tiny. 0.99

00:35:42.000 Right, so they were saying he's 4'11".

00:35:44.000 Yeah, but Tom Cruise, apparently, I've talked to people, like, I've met Sylvester Stallone.

00:35:48.000 He's not that small.

00:35:50.000 Everybody would say, Sylvester Stallone's only 5'6", he played Rocky in the movies, he was a heavyweight.

00:35:54.000 He's not 5'6".

00:35:55.000 I met the guy.

00:35:55.000 He's at least 5'10", maybe taller.

00:35:58.000 Maybe he was wearing some shit in his shoes, I don't know. 0.99

00:36:00.000 But I'm 5'8", I don't wear any shit in my shoes, and I wear, I'm standing, like, right next to the guy and he's taller than me. 0.99

00:36:07.000 I met Ben Kingsley, and he's like the opposite. 0.97

00:36:09.000 They try to make him look smaller in film.

00:36:12.000 He was a reasonable-sized guy, but whenever you see him in film, they try to make him look like a little tiny menacing bloke.

00:36:17.000 Well, when Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together, Tom Cruise walked on a platform around him, so they were similar heights.

00:36:28.000 Everywhere they walked when they were doing the thing, Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch.

00:36:34.000 That may or may not be true.

00:36:35.000 I wasn't there when it was filming.

00:36:36.000 No, I believe that would be true.

00:36:39.000 It might be. 0.99

00:36:40.000 It might be just total Richard Gere gerbil in the ass propaganda. 0.98

00:36:43.000 Even on my TV show, I found it weird when this season I get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six foot tall. 0.99

00:36:50.000 It definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl. 1.00

00:36:54.000 Really?

00:36:54.000 Yeah, because I'm the same height as I. You just have to turn your head.

00:36:58.000 But when all of a sudden you're kissing a real short person and you're hunched over...

00:37:03.000 Right.

00:37:04.000 It doesn't look cool on film.

00:37:05.000 Yeah, that's why they like you to pick them up.

00:37:08.000 Hoist them up in the air.

00:37:09.000 I'm a tall, weak person.

00:37:13.000 I can't do that.

00:37:14.000 We all have our limitations.

00:37:16.000 Is this the actors?

00:37:17.000 Okay, so Danny DeVito, he is super small.

00:37:20.000 Yeah, he's five foot.

00:37:22.000 I think he's under.

00:37:23.000 Michael J. Fox is just five foot four.

00:37:26.000 Same with Emilio Estevez.

00:37:28.000 Then you go up to the Woody Allens.

00:37:30.000 Emilio Estevez is five foot four?

00:37:33.000 Yep.

00:37:33.000 See, how do I know they're not making this up, though?

00:37:36.000 Woody Allen's taller than Emilio Estevez?

00:37:37.000 For real?

00:37:38.000 Yeah, Woody Allen's five foot five.

00:37:40.000 Yeah, he's only a little fella.

00:37:42.000 Then Jack Black.

00:37:44.000 I passed him yesterday at the airport and no one was bothering him.

00:37:48.000 You want to know why I think?

00:37:49.000 He was wearing his neck pillow.

00:37:52.000 It was covering up a lot of his face.

00:37:54.000 He had it like with a little Velcro strap around his neck.

00:37:56.000 He just looked like a schlumpy sort of guy who had to get his flight and he didn't look like a movie star, I'll tell you that much.

00:38:02.000 That's a good move in the neck pillow because if you don't want people talking to you, wear a neck pillow because there's that extra step that they have to take. 0.99

00:38:10.000 Like, is that fucking guy wearing a neck pillow? 0.98

00:38:12.000 And then they decide not to talk to you because it's kind of sorted out. 0.99

00:38:14.000 And it looks like you're obviously ready for a sleep so you don't want to be bothered.

00:38:18.000 Who bothers someone who wants to sleep?

00:38:20.000 That's a very good point.

00:38:21.000 Rude people?

00:38:22.000 The same type of people that bother you while you're eating.

00:38:24.000 Do you get people that come up to you while you're eating?

00:38:26.000 Hey, I don't want to interrupt you.

00:38:30.000 But I'm going to interrupt you.

00:38:31.000 Yeah, you do.

00:38:32.000 You do want to interrupt me.

00:38:34.000 You feel bad about it.

00:38:35.000 I want to interrupt you, but I feel bad about it, is what you should say.

00:38:39.000 Yeah.

00:38:40.000 They're just trying to find a way to be not rude while they're being rude.

00:38:44.000 Yeah, well, they're not even being rude.

00:38:45.000 I understand that people want to say hello.

00:38:47.000 Especially if they've just seen the show.

00:38:49.000 If you're eating and you have a mouthful of food, that's where I draw the line. 0.93

00:38:53.000 Like, when you're sitting down to eat and you're with your friends and people come over to the table, like, if everybody did that, it would be fucking chaos.

00:38:58.000 Like, there's a certain amount of, you know, of privacy that a person should...

00:39:04.000 Peace that a person should be able to get.

00:39:07.000 And while a person's eating their meal, that's where I draw the line.

00:39:11.000 How...

00:39:11.000 Are you happy with your level...

00:39:13.000 Like, you're more famous than me, right?

00:39:15.000 I'm mildly famous.

00:39:16.000 You're famous famous.

00:39:18.000 And then there's the next...

00:39:20.000 You don't want to go there.

00:39:21.000 You don't want to go to the next level.

00:39:22.000 I think I'd like to go up to about where you are and then stop.

00:39:25.000 Even back it down a little.

00:39:27.000 I'm trying to back it down a little.

00:39:29.000 I'm trying to take a little bit of the edge off.

00:39:31.000 At the moment, I get stopped, I would say, four times a day, and three of those people will just say, Hey, Jim!

00:39:38.000 That's great.

00:39:39.000 And that's great.

00:39:39.000 And then there'll be one person who will take photos, and that's no problem.

00:39:42.000 And that's where I'm at right now.

00:39:44.000 But I'm not at the stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go, Jim Jefferies needs a table and they'll fucking find a table because most of the population doesn't know who I am.

00:39:53.000 So I would like that because I'm lazy with my reservations.

00:39:57.000 That's what I would like to get to.

00:39:59.000 Table...

00:39:59.000 Restaurant tables.

00:40:01.000 Yeah, restaurant tables helps if you were a club hopper and you wanted to get to...

00:40:05.000 Ah, I got a young kid.

00:40:07.000 You know, I might club hop again maybe later on in life, but I can't...

00:40:11.000 For now, there's no club hopper. 0.98

00:40:12.000 At the moment, I'm just fucking daycare guy. 0.99

00:40:16.000 Like... 0.97

00:40:17.000 I'll tell you, I'm trying to lose weight again, so I started going back to the gym.

00:40:22.000 So I go to the gym and there's a daycare at my gym where I can take my son and just drop him off.

00:40:28.000 And there's like two ladies in their 50s that just sort of work behind the counter. 1.00

00:40:33.000 And one of my son, who's 16 months old, just fucking loves one of these ladies. 0.99

00:40:38.000 There's this old Asian lady, and he lights up when he sees her, and she loves him. 0.99

00:40:42.000 She'll be playing with other kids, and when she sees my son, she'll just drop what she's doing and just go, Hank! 1.00

00:40:47.000 And then she says the same thing every time.

00:40:49.000 She'll go, there's my boyfriend!

00:40:52.000 Here he is!

00:40:53.000 Pass me my boyfriend! 1.00

00:40:55.000 My boyfriend gives me kisses!

00:40:56.000 And then she starts kissing him all over the face, right?

00:40:59.000 And then goes, enjoy your workout, and I walk off.

00:41:01.000 Now, I can't do that with a baby girl.

00:41:04.000 I can never go, there's my girlfriend, my girlfriend gives me kisses, give her here, enjoy your workout.

00:41:10.000 Why is that?

00:41:11.000 Why is that so...

00:41:12.000 I don't want to do that.

00:41:14.000 Mind you, I'm not fighting for the freedom to do this in the near future.

00:41:18.000 I just think it's a very odd...

00:41:21.000 I have a whole bit about it.

00:41:22.000 There?

00:41:23.000 Yeah, there's no sexual equality in child molesting. 0.97

00:41:26.000 Because there's a commercial, I don't know if you've ever seen the commercial, where there's a Just For Men baby. 0.99

00:41:33.000 Just For Men is some shit that old dudes put in their beard, and their beard's going gray. 0.99

00:41:37.000 There's a baby with a beard, and he's driving a Porsche with a grown woman next to him. 1.00

00:41:40.000 And the baby goes to the club.

00:41:42.000 And he's dancing.

00:41:43.000 All these women are running around kissing him. 1.00

00:41:45.000 And what I'm saying in that bit is there's no sexual equality in child loss.

00:41:50.000 And you couldn't make that same commercial with the sexes reversed. 0.99

00:41:54.000 Look at this baby.

00:41:56.000 She's got a grown woman. 1.00

00:41:57.000 The baby gets out of the car.

00:41:59.000 Look at the bouncer. 0.94

00:41:59.000 He recognizes him. 0.94

00:42:00.000 He points the finger at him. 1.00

00:42:01.000 Like, oh, it's you, you fuck! 1.00

00:42:03.000 And the guy goes in there. 1.00

00:42:04.000 And he's got a bottle.

00:42:05.000 Look, he's got a bottle. 0.59

00:42:06.000 Just in case you're thinking, well, maybe it's a little eccentric midget. 1.00

00:42:09.000 So he's doing his little dance. 1.00

00:42:11.000 And look, surrounded by pussy. 1.00

00:42:13.000 And a couple of gay dudes. 1.00

00:42:15.000 We just wish they could get him to turn over. 1.00

00:42:17.000 This baby is the shit, and if you switch the sexes, if you had a bunch of dudes with Tarzan loincloth swinging cock, that's baby face height to vagina. 1.00

00:42:28.000 That baby's dancing around, and the vaginas are right there. 1.00

00:42:30.000 Also, that's just an ad that's making fun of something. 0.96

00:42:33.000 It's a comedy of commercial.

00:42:34.000 It's meant to be a joke. 1.00

00:42:36.000 But even in real life, I don't know about you, but whenever you hear there's a guy who's been molesting the fucking school, the volleyball team, you always go, that fucking creep. 1.00

00:42:47.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:42:48.000 But then as soon as you hear there's a female teacher that had sex with a 13-year-old boy, you always go, alright, I'll have to see the photo of this woman first. 1.00

00:42:56.000 And then if the woman's kind of hot, you're like, alright, I can see where he... 1.00

00:43:01.000 I don't even blame the kid.

00:43:03.000 I'm like, not that I would ever blame the kid, but I'm like, I don't know if he had a bad time.

00:43:08.000 Yeah.

00:43:09.000 Is that wrong?

00:43:10.000 No, it's not wrong at all. 0.98

00:43:11.000 There was a teacher in my school who I would have loved to have fucked when I was 13. Of course. 0.98

00:43:15.000 I used to masturbate to her all the time. 0.99

00:43:17.000 There's nothing wrong with it if she's hot. 1.00

00:43:19.000 That's what people need to accept.

00:43:20.000 There is something wrong with the man.

00:43:21.000 The difference is a man can molest a 13-year-old girl.

00:43:24.000 A woman can't molest a 13-year-old boy. 1.00

00:43:26.000 She can just let him fuck her. 1.00

00:43:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:28.000 They're two different things.

00:43:29.000 Yeah.

00:43:29.000 And they say that women develop faster.

00:43:33.000 They do.

00:43:33.000 They do in a lot of ways.

00:43:35.000 They're not allowed to fuck as early. 0.99

00:43:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:39.000 They can't enjoy it.

00:43:40.000 They can't enjoy it at 13. There's something really creepy about a man fucking a 13-year-old, but if you found out your son got caught, you know, with a teacher, bent over the desk, and he's banging her, you'd fucking be really kind of proud of him. 1.00

00:43:52.000 Yeah, there wouldn't be. 0.99

00:43:54.000 You'd be like, oh, you shouldn't do that, but...

00:43:56.000 All right.

00:43:57.000 It's funny, like Paul Walker, when he died, they found out that he had a girlfriend for like eight years or something.

00:44:07.000 And when he started dating her, she was 16 and he was 34. And then on the TV, but then it's like that weird thing that when they're a celebrity, even the Entertainment Tonight were like, but she was very mature and she...

00:44:21.000 And you're like, no, no, no, no.

00:44:24.000 Statutory rape, man.

00:44:25.000 You can't just change the rules because the guy's dead now. 1.00

00:44:29.000 First of all, no disrespect, but how good must that pussy have been where a 34-year-old movie star is freaking out about a 16-year-old? 1.00

00:44:38.000 Well, she doesn't look that good if you can pull a picture of her. 0.99

00:44:40.000 Well, it might not be a good thing.

00:44:41.000 Yeah, she might have been dynamite. 1.00

00:44:44.000 She might have voodoo pussy. 1.00

00:44:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:44:46.000 I've met those ones as well.

00:44:49.000 Those girls where other girls are like, there she is there. 1.00

00:44:51.000 She's pretty, man.

00:44:52.000 That's her 24 or something before she... 0.99

00:44:54.000 But I don't begrudge him fucking a 16-year-old girl in the sense that you can see some 16-year-old girls where you go... 0.99

00:45:00.000 It's legal in the UK and Australia. 0.99

00:45:02.000 It's not like... 0.90

00:45:03.000 I understand wanting to have sex with a fully developed 16-year-old. 0.73

00:45:07.000 What I don't get is him dating her. 0.78

00:45:10.000 Pulled up that picture again?

00:45:11.000 That is an odd picture, man.

00:45:13.000 She's in her 20s there.

00:45:16.000 Yeah, this is like when they've been dating for seven years or something.

00:45:19.000 You know, I hate the idea of...

00:45:21.000 Look, I have daughters, so the first thing I'm going to say is that this is not something I'm really entertaining, but I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other, and for whatever reason they're perfect together, it can't happen because the guy is 30 and the girl is 16. Come on,

00:45:38.000 the girl has to date a few guys. 1.00

00:45:42.000 I agree with you.

00:45:43.000 I was devastated when the girl I lost my virginity to at 16 broke up with me and I thought I'd never find love again.

00:45:49.000 I haven't since, really, but I've enjoyed a lot of different women since then.

00:45:56.000 The thing that's creepy is, not the sex, it's the conversation after sex.

00:46:02.000 It's the fact that he laid there with her afterwards and went, how was school?

00:46:07.000 Yeah.

00:46:08.000 And she went, good.

00:46:09.000 And she goes, what have you been up to?

00:46:10.000 And he was like, I made a movie.

00:46:13.000 And it's a very good movie, but it's got a lot of swear words, so you can't see it for two years.

00:46:23.000 Because you shouldn't listen to swear words.

00:46:26.000 Yeah, that's a good point, man.

00:46:28.000 That is the one thing that's a good point.

00:46:30.000 I think that... 0.99

00:46:33.000 He should be able to fucking do whatever he wants. 0.99

00:46:35.000 He's a good looking guy though, man. 0.98

00:46:37.000 He should be able to date anybody who wants to date him, as long as that person is old enough to make their own choice.

00:46:45.000 The real question is, when is the age that you're old enough to make that choice?

00:46:49.000 Is it 16?

00:46:50.000 Is it 17?

00:46:51.000 Is it 18?

00:46:52.000 It's 16 in the rest of the world, but it's 18 in America.

00:46:56.000 So in that sense, yeah, he broke the law. 0.98

00:46:59.000 But just because some shit's written down on paper obviously doesn't mean it makes sense. 0.97

00:47:03.000 And also, we know that he broke other laws such as speeding. 0.98

00:47:06.000 Well, it wasn't him.

00:47:07.000 It wasn't like this guy was a lawyer.

00:47:08.000 Somebody else killed him.

00:47:09.000 He didn't drive that car.

00:47:11.000 I felt sorry when he died and all that type of stuff.

00:47:15.000 There was a lot of deaths all at once this year.

00:47:18.000 And I felt really sorry for the guy that made the in-memoriam thing for the Oscars.

00:47:23.000 Every night he must have sat down and gone, alright, the Oscars are coming.

00:47:27.000 Paul Walker, the music ends.

00:47:30.000 Beautiful.

00:47:30.000 I'll go to bed.

00:47:31.000 Wakes up in the morning. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman. 1.00

00:47:34.000 Alright. 1.00

00:47:35.000 So, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

00:47:38.000 The end.

00:47:39.000 And then, like, he reads the paper.

00:47:40.000 I thought Shirley Temple was already dead. 1.00

00:47:42.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

00:47:44.000 I thought she was dead, too. 1.00

00:47:46.000 Put Shirley Temple in.

00:47:47.000 The end.

00:47:48.000 Harold Ramis. 0.98

00:47:49.000 It was just fucking ongoing until the day he had to make that video. 0.99

00:47:53.000 That guy, James Rebhorn, who played Carrie's dad on Homeland, he died. 0.96

00:48:01.000 I did a pilot with that guy a long time ago.

00:48:03.000 On Homeland?

00:48:04.000 You ever see that show, Homeland?

00:48:05.000 I do watch Homeland.

00:48:07.000 Who plays who?

00:48:07.000 Carrie's dad.

00:48:08.000 She plays the father of the main chick.

00:48:12.000 The chick that's off the wife? 1.00

00:48:16.000 Oh no, the daughter?

00:48:18.000 Yes.

00:48:18.000 Well, the dad, the British guy, who played the lead in Homeland.

00:48:22.000 No, no, not that guy.

00:48:24.000 The other one, Carrie. 0.95

00:48:25.000 Carrie is the crazy CIA agent. 1.00

00:48:28.000 Oh, the guy who plays her dad. 0.99

00:48:30.000 Yeah, grey hair, bald boy.

00:48:32.000 He just died.

00:48:33.000 Oh, that's sad.

00:48:34.000 Great guy.

00:48:34.000 Really, really nice guy.

00:48:37.000 I'm still upset with Fred Phelps dying.

00:48:40.000 Ha ha ha ha ha.

00:48:41.000 Trent Phelps, to me, is, if you know, he's the West Borough Baptist Church guy who used to protest Gay people's funerals, soldiers' funerals because he believed the war started because we were too nice to gays.

00:48:56.000 He's got a good point.

00:48:57.000 This is my thing.

00:49:00.000 I'm an atheist and I'm also a very non-homophobic person in the sense that I wouldn't even care if my son was gay.

00:49:10.000 I'm of that opinion when it comes to homosexuals. 1.00

00:49:15.000 Fred Phelps was possibly the most way-out-there religious person we've had in a very long time, where he actually had decisions like, oh, the war started, must be because of the gays, and then he decided it was gospel, right?

00:49:27.000 But what if...

00:49:29.000 He was the only bloke on earth that was right.

00:49:32.000 Like, he gets to heaven, and then God's like, you're the only one who got me.

00:49:37.000 And then, like, God's sitting up there, and he goes, where's everyone else?

00:49:41.000 He goes, well, no one else. 0.99

00:49:42.000 You were the only person that followed it to the fucking team, man. 1.00

00:49:45.000 Everyone else is in hell. 1.00

00:49:46.000 And the two of them are just sitting there, and God just... 1.00

00:49:48.000 And then Fred goes, faggots are cunts, aren't they? 1.00

00:49:51.000 And then God goes, damn straight, and they fist pump or something. 1.00

00:49:55.000 I don't know, like... 0.92

00:49:58.000 If his beliefs were real, then he's the only bloke getting into heaven, is the point I made.

00:50:02.000 Well, the problem is his beliefs aren't anywhere.

00:50:03.000 They're not written anywhere.

00:50:04.000 Yeah, but he started to believe them.

00:50:06.000 Well, he may have believed them.

00:50:09.000 If you listen to the way he talks, though, like, you ever see the Louis Theroux documentary?

00:50:13.000 We went and visited them, stayed with them for three weeks.

00:50:16.000 It's very interesting.

00:50:17.000 And one of the things you realize is the amount of ego this guy has.

00:50:20.000 And he just wants people to listen to him.

00:50:22.000 He doesn't answer questions. 1.00

00:50:23.000 Sometimes when a question comes up, he just says, I'm not going to even answer that because you're so stupid. 1.00

00:50:30.000 He just comes up with some reason why he's superior. 1.00

00:50:33.000 There's so much ego involved in what he was doing, the way he was running that church.

00:50:38.000 It wasn't based on any scripture.

00:50:40.000 I liked how they had to sing songs.

00:50:44.000 They weren't smart enough to write their own songs, so they just got songs of artists who they probably called sinners to begin with. 1.00

00:50:51.000 There was the one that they did, We Are the World, but it was like, God hates the gays, they're all faggots. 1.00

00:50:59.000 It's like that. 1.00

00:51:01.000 And it's like, Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote that song.

00:51:03.000 Are you telling me that you were fans of theirs and they were pretty close to the model that you wanted for your church?

00:51:09.000 Sure.

00:51:10.000 You're paying rights?

00:51:11.000 Whenever someone is a religious guy and they try singing any sort of pop music, it automatically kills it. 1.00

00:51:17.000 Like that guy in Australia that thinks he's Jesus and he sings Green Day.

00:51:20.000 Have you ever seen that guy?

00:51:21.000 I don't know him, but I like him already.

00:51:24.000 You've never seen the Australian Jesus?

00:51:26.000 No!

00:51:26.000 Oh, he's awesome.

00:51:27.000 He says he's Jesus, and he hangs out with this hot chick that he bangs, who apparently used to be Mary.

00:51:32.000 And Mary has a vision.

00:51:34.000 I remember him on the cross.

00:51:36.000 I remember him crying.

00:51:39.000 Can we get a picture of this chick? 1.00

00:51:41.000 It's the second chick. 0.74

00:51:42.000 The one on the far right is the Mary.

00:51:45.000 That's Jesus with the glasses.

00:51:47.000 Yeah, right.

00:51:47.000 And Mary apparently, unfortunately, just found out recently that she was the second Mary.

00:51:52.000 And there was another girl that Jesus said was Mary before her.

00:51:57.000 Ah, that was Mary Magdalene.

00:51:59.000 Ha! 0.89

00:52:01.000 That's two of them. 1.00

00:52:01.000 He likes to tell people he's Jesus to get the pussy. 1.00

00:52:04.000 Oh yeah, I'm Jesus? 1.00

00:52:06.000 Yeah, I've been Jesus for a while, really?

00:52:08.000 That's his nuclear option.

00:52:09.000 You gotta listen to the guy talk.

00:52:11.000 Play some of it, Brian, because it's quite brilliant.

00:52:13.000 And, you know, he's not even an exceptional guy, which is...

00:52:16.000 No, not to Jesus of Siberia.

00:52:17.000 It's a totally different one.

00:52:18.000 In his defense, this is how the original Jesus came out and they hung him on a cross.

00:52:22.000 Like, there's going to be some guy, if you believe in God and there's going to be a second coming, then he's going to come...

00:52:29.000 This guy's got as much chance as anyone of being Jesus.

00:52:32.000 No, he doesn't.

00:52:33.000 He has zero chance of being Jesus.

00:52:34.000 But the guy in Waco said he was Jesus as well, right? 1.00

00:52:38.000 Well, he was much like this guy, just wanted to get some pussy. 1.00

00:52:41.000 Listen to him. 1.00

00:52:45.000 No, no, that's not his voice.

00:52:46.000 That's the narrator's voice.

00:52:49.000 His voice, though, is very non-Jesus-like.

00:52:52.000 I've always been...

00:52:54.000 How can you be from Australia?

00:52:55.000 The original Bible didn't even mention Australia.

00:52:57.000 I'm nailing him to the stake.

00:52:59.000 It was like a pole.

00:53:01.000 It was me that had to do that.

00:53:02.000 That's not his voice either.

00:53:03.000 He's the Jesus guy with the other guy with the dark hair and the glasses. 1.00

00:53:07.000 Fucking do unto others as they'd fucking do to you, cunt. 1.00

00:53:10.000 If you could see him talking, here he goes. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Here.

00:53:13.000 They wanted to go spirit world.

00:53:16.000 Yep.

00:53:16.000 You can't listen to this.

00:53:18.000 Here, here you go.

00:53:18.000 Can they do that?

00:53:20.000 This is one of Miller's...

00:53:21.000 Who are these people?

00:53:23.000 He's got followers.

00:53:24.000 Oh yeah, quite a few.

00:53:26.000 Queensland, I believe, is where he lives. 1.00

00:53:28.000 Ah, fucking Queensland. 1.00

00:53:31.000 Is that a spot? 1.00

00:53:33.000 That's the Alabama of Australia. 0.75

00:53:36.000 Oh, well, there you go.

00:53:37.000 That makes sense.

00:53:38.000 It's a little bit...

00:53:40.000 I actually like Queensland.

00:53:40.000 My father's from Queensland.

00:53:41.000 I have an affinity with Queensland.

00:53:43.000 I'll be there in April selling tickets to the Brisbane Tivoli Theatre.

00:53:46.000 But they're a little bit...

00:53:50.000 They had a politician for a while there called Pauline Hanson.

00:53:55.000 And Pauline Hanson was just really racist. 1.00

00:53:59.000 It was like, the problem is the Aboriginals. 1.00

00:54:01.000 And this is why we have to...

00:54:03.000 You know, she was one of these type of people. 0.94

00:54:05.000 She got voted in.

00:54:07.000 In that town.

00:54:08.000 And she was sort of this red-headed woman.

00:54:13.000 She looked like she was off a matchbox. 0.97

00:54:15.000 She was just this red-headed woman. 1.00

00:54:17.000 It turned out she had electoral fraud and she went to prison for like six months for doing votes. 1.00

00:54:23.000 Anyway, she comes out after being really racist and then saying stupid things like, how would you fix the economy? 0.99

00:54:29.000 And she goes, print more money. 1.00

00:54:30.000 Then we'd all have more money.

00:54:32.000 Like, this is the level of intelligence.

00:54:34.000 Jesus Christ.

00:54:34.000 She got voted in, right?

00:54:36.000 So she's like another level past Sarah Palin. 0.99

00:54:39.000 So even in my family, we're like, that woman's disgusting. 1.00

00:54:41.000 I can't believe that all these things. 1.00

00:54:44.000 She's a racist Sarah Palin. 1.00

00:54:46.000 That's a perfect adjustment of her, right? 0.99

00:54:48.000 And so she gets put into prison. 0.52

00:54:49.000 And then when she comes out, she goes on Dancing with the Stars.

00:54:53.000 And my parents forgive.

00:54:55.000 My parents will forgive anything if you do a cracking foxtrot.

00:54:59.000 Like, they were voting for her.

00:55:02.000 Oh, because my dad goes, she's got good legs. 1.00

00:55:04.000 I go, but she just said that Aboriginals should die. 0.99

00:55:07.000 Oh, you bloody hold on to things for too long. 1.00

00:55:13.000 That's so true. 0.98

00:55:14.000 If someone was running for president and they did Star Search, or Dancing with the Stars, or American Idol, or whatever those fucking shows are, and where America got to vote and they did really well, they'd probably become president. 0.96

00:55:25.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.85

00:55:26.000 Can you get a picture of Pauline Hanson up?

00:55:30.000 I haven't had a look at this woman's face for... 1.00

00:55:33.000 Going on 20 years.

00:55:34.000 She used to own a fish and chip shop. 0.82

00:55:36.000 There was like people that, she was so racist, people would wear Martin Luther King t-shirts on the front that said, I have a dream.

00:55:41.000 Then there'd be a picture of her on the back that goes, I have a fish and chip shop.

00:55:48.000 There she is.

00:55:49.000 That was our Sarah Palin in Australia.

00:55:51.000 Wow, she even kind of has that thing going on, that Sarah Palin thing going on. 1.00

00:55:54.000 And the Asians, the Asians come in here and buy all the land. 1.00

00:55:59.000 Wow.

00:56:00.000 What do you think about this old banning bossy? 1.00

00:56:02.000 It's retarded. 1.00

00:56:03.000 Stupid, isn't it? 1.00

00:56:03.000 It's never going to work. 1.00

00:56:04.000 It makes me angry.

00:56:06.000 It makes me angry that you're pretending someone's feelings are hurt because of the word bossy.

00:56:10.000 Also, they're trying to say the word bossy means leadership.

00:56:13.000 It doesn't.

00:56:14.000 Like, I have a few nieces, and I won't say which of them.

00:56:17.000 One of them's a bit bossy.

00:56:19.000 And when I mean bossy, it's not like she goes, okay, you sit over here, we're playing this game.

00:56:23.000 She's like, don't touch that.

00:56:24.000 That's my toy. 1.00

00:56:25.000 She's just a bit of a cunt. 1.00

00:56:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:27.000 They don't like cunty, so they're trying to get rid of bossy, which is a substitute for cunty. 1.00

00:56:32.000 They're trying to remove themselves from criticism.

00:56:35.000 Anybody who's coming up with that, they're either trying to silence free speech, or they're trying to remove what they think is criticism they've faced many times.

00:56:50.000 Yeah.

00:57:00.000 They're all in line with what people don't like.

00:57:04.000 I will ban bossy. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:57:07.000 Freedom of speech, you can't ban bossy. 1.00

00:57:08.000 It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. 1.00

00:57:10.000 On their advert or the program, the woman was there going, do you know that men own 99% of the world's property? 1.00

00:57:18.000 Right?

00:57:19.000 And then I thought about it.

00:57:22.000 Do you know 95% of the homeless are also men? 1.00

00:57:26.000 There's plenty of bossy bitches kicking cunts out of their houses. 1.00

00:57:30.000 You know, living rent free. 1.00

00:57:31.000 I know.

00:57:32.000 They keep on going, oh, you're banned, bossy. 0.99

00:57:34.000 You won't get women that are headed corporations. 1.00

00:57:36.000 Most bossy women that I have known in my life don't have jobs. 1.00

00:57:40.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 And probably would never get to the head of a corporation because that requires a lot of people skills.

00:57:46.000 It's not like they've been held back by us going bossy. 0.98

00:57:48.000 I'm there paying the rent and they're still fucking bossing me around. 0.94

00:57:51.000 You know, it doesn't feel like... 0.97

00:57:53.000 Yeah.

00:57:54.000 No. 0.96

00:57:55.000 The idea is ridiculous. 0.99

00:57:57.000 The idea that all these women want to be the head of corporations is ridiculous too. 1.00

00:58:01.000 A lot of women don't want those jobs either. 1.00

00:58:03.000 They're not working towards those jobs.

00:58:05.000 The idea that they're completely banned from those jobs.

00:58:08.000 There are women out there who run corporations. 1.00

00:58:10.000 Is it fair?

00:58:11.000 I'm not saying it is. 0.99

00:58:12.000 But there's a lot of shit that's not fair. 0.99

00:58:14.000 Life is not fair. 1.00

00:58:16.000 There's a good chance we'll have a female president next. 1.00

00:58:20.000 It's possible.

00:58:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:22.000 There's just very different characteristics that men have and women have. 1.00

00:58:25.000 There's very different personalities, almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick that you don't have when you have a vagina. 1.00

00:58:31.000 Also, with a woman, and this is nothing against women... 1.00

00:58:35.000 When they have a kid, I'm not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace, although that's probably a problem, but I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:58:42.000 When they have a kid, their mind does change a little bit. 0.98

00:58:45.000 They become less career-driven, a lot of them, not all of them, but they do start going, I want to spend time with this, and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit hard.

00:58:55.000 I sometimes begrudge the amount I have to go on the road and be away from my kids so I can support the family.

00:59:04.000 I feel like I miss out on something there.

00:59:07.000 I'd rather be home all the time with him.

00:59:09.000 Right.

00:59:09.000 I know exactly what you mean.

00:59:11.000 I think everyone has a role and that everyone's role is different depending on the relationship, depending on where you are in life, depending on everything. 0.86

00:59:20.000 But the idea that it should be even for men and women is ridiculous. 0.95

00:59:24.000 The idea that anything should be even is ridiculous.

00:59:27.000 The only thing you should ask is for no discrimination.

00:59:31.000 No discrimination and that someone...

00:59:34.000 They would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do.

00:59:38.000 But the idea that there should be an equal amount of men and an equal amount of women in the same position, I don't buy that. 0.50

00:59:46.000 It doesn't make any sense to me.

00:59:47.000 Because there's a lot of jobs that men do better than women, and a lot of jobs that women do better than men. 1.00

00:59:52.000 It's just a fact.

00:59:53.000 And they've got Beyonce and Condoleezza Rice, and who is the other bird they've got?

00:59:58.000 Julia Gardner is on the campaign as well.

01:00:01.000 And then, like, Beyonce's there going, I'm not bossy, but I am the boss.

01:00:07.000 I'm the queen.

01:00:08.000 What is it with black women and wanting to be the queen? 1.00

01:00:12.000 Queen Latifah.

01:00:13.000 How about men?

01:00:14.000 The queen of the night.

01:00:15.000 Men are always the king. 0.98

01:00:16.000 Black men, like, there's a lot of fighters that call themselves king. 0.89

01:00:19.000 Black or white men will call themselves the king of the castle. 0.83

01:00:22.000 I'm the king of my home.

01:00:24.000 That's a universal male thing.

01:00:25.000 We want to be the king. 0.98

01:00:27.000 Black women want to be queens, and white chicks want to be princesses. 1.00

01:00:32.000 That's true. 0.99

01:00:33.000 Right?

01:00:33.000 They don't even want to be queens.

01:00:34.000 They want to be the child. 0.98

01:00:36.000 The only white chick that wants to be the queen is the queen. 1.00

01:00:41.000 That's probably it, right? 0.73

01:00:43.000 Every time you meet a girl, it's like, I'm a princess.

01:00:45.000 Because they want to be taken care of. 1.00

01:00:47.000 And black chicks are like, I want to fucking own you, cunt. 1.00

01:00:51.000 I'm the queen. 1.00

01:00:54.000 Well, that was the thing that black men, like, there was a big thing they used to say.

01:00:58.000 It was that we used to be kings. 0.68

01:01:00.000 You know, black men used to be kings. 0.99

01:01:02.000 You know, before we were slaves, we were kings.

01:01:04.000 That's because in Africa... 0.99

01:01:06.000 They only had little villages and they didn't travel very far.

01:01:09.000 It was easy to be a king when the population was 10. LAUGHTER And it was you in the other hut, and you're like, I'm Queen Muvusu or whatever, and fucking you go out with your spear, and you think, I'm the king of this little... 0.98

01:01:22.000 Because still now, they've got guys that are driving taxis in the UK, who's like, I'm Prince Ado, right? 0.99

01:01:29.000 And you're like, I'm fourth in line for the throne, because there's so many fucking kings over there. 0.93

01:01:34.000 That's hilarious, and it's so true if you really stop and think about it. 0.97

01:01:37.000 Like, The amount of people, that's probably directly in line with what we were talking about when we were talking about being famous.

01:01:44.000 That you don't want to be the king of a place that's too big.

01:01:47.000 You don't want to be the head of Rome. 1.00

01:01:50.000 There's too much shit going on. 0.99

01:01:51.000 You're in all these other countries. 1.00

01:01:52.000 A lot of people to overthrow you.

01:01:54.000 Too much stress. 0.86

01:01:55.000 Everybody's looking to kill you all the time. 1.00

01:01:57.000 But if you're the king of a fucking small village, you're probably doing pretty good. 1.00

01:02:00.000 You get all the fish. 1.00

01:02:02.000 You're good.

01:02:03.000 You got, you know, ten wives or whatever the hell you need. 1.00

01:02:05.000 You get golden.

01:02:06.000 You got ten wives. 0.99

01:02:07.000 Occasionally you can go over to a guy's house and just take a goat.

01:02:10.000 Yeah, it's a tribute he has to pay. 0.99

01:02:14.000 But if you're like the head of England, god damn, there's a lot of pressure on you. 0.97

01:02:17.000 Well, King Ralph, yeah, that was a good film. 0.98

01:02:20.000 You know what I like about King Ralph?

01:02:22.000 King Ralph is a movie where you know they've worked backwards.

01:02:26.000 They've gone, alright, this is the...

01:02:28.000 You've come up with movie ideas, but if you come up with movie ideas, you think of just the broad strokes.

01:02:32.000 So someone's gone, okay, an American guy is the king of England, and he's a slob, and he likes 10-pin bowling.

01:02:38.000 Alright, that's what I've got.

01:02:40.000 And then another guy's gone, how do we get rid of the royal family?

01:02:43.000 I'm thinking, alright?

01:02:44.000 And then one of them's gone, I've got it.

01:02:47.000 They're all standing in a puddle and get electrocuted.

01:02:52.000 They take a photo of the entire royal family at once.

01:02:57.000 They're standing in a bit of water.

01:02:59.000 The camera falls over.

01:03:00.000 Light falls into the puddle.

01:03:01.000 And they all get electrified to death.

01:03:04.000 Electrified?

01:03:05.000 Electrocuted.

01:03:07.000 And then, obviously, they go through all the family.

01:03:09.000 They can't find a single relative until they find a fat guy from Milwaukee called Ralph.

01:03:15.000 I don't know if he's from Milwaukee.

01:03:16.000 It sounds like he was.

01:03:17.000 King Ralph.

01:03:18.000 I never saw that movie.

01:03:19.000 Peter O'Toole was in it.

01:03:20.000 Was it good?

01:03:21.000 Peter O'Toole.

01:03:22.000 Who's one of the...

01:03:24.000 It's funny!

01:03:25.000 I haven't seen it yet.

01:03:26.000 Have you seen it recently?

01:03:27.000 I tell you what.

01:03:29.000 I know.

01:03:29.000 And movies...

01:03:30.000 I tell you what I watched three days ago.

01:03:32.000 I watched The Doors movie. 1.00

01:03:34.000 Great fucking movie. 1.00

01:03:35.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:03:36.000 Because I went and saw it when I was...

01:03:37.000 It was 1993 or 1992 when that movie came out.

01:03:40.000 I saw it in the cinema, so that would have made me 16. I was a kid from Australia.

01:03:44.000 I had never heard a Doors song, but I knew it was hip to like the Doors.

01:03:49.000 And so I went along and watched it.

01:03:50.000 It was Oliver Stone.

01:03:51.000 It's a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff.

01:03:54.000 And I remember walking out of the cinema, being bored out of my skull at 15, but then still saying to my friends, like, that was a cool movie, man.

01:04:03.000 Lying.

01:04:03.000 Yeah, lying.

01:04:04.000 Yeah.

01:04:04.000 And then when I heard someone didn't like the film, I was like, you obviously didn't get it.

01:04:09.000 You obviously don't get what Jim Morrison has to say. 0.98

01:04:12.000 And now I watched it as an adult and I enjoyed it more, but my conclusion was that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick. 0.97

01:04:20.000 He was definitely a bit of a dick, but he was also a guy, just like we were talking about when we were talking about Lenny Bruce, he was living in a totally different era. 0.97

01:04:28.000 Breaking out in that era, doing what they were doing was completely radical. 0.92

01:04:32.000 How many young comedians have you met that think they're like a gym?

01:04:35.000 Like, oh yeah, the things I'm saying and the words I'm...

01:04:38.000 More hicks.

01:04:40.000 Yeah.

01:04:40.000 You ever worked the punchline in Atlanta?

01:04:42.000 Yes, I have, yeah.

01:04:43.000 Got a back room, the green room has someone wrote on the wall, quit trying to be Hicks.

01:04:47.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:04:48.000 It's fucking brilliant. 0.96

01:04:50.000 It's brilliant. 0.98

01:04:51.000 Because for a long time, like, especially after Hicks died, when he died, martyred him.

01:04:55.000 In the UK, that's all I care about.

01:04:57.000 They're Hicksed up, man. 1.00

01:04:58.000 Yeah.

01:04:59.000 And I've actually, I like Bill Hicks, but I've gone out of my way not to watch him because I got kind of sick of...

01:05:07.000 Anytime you did edgy comedy, you got compared to him, and I thought, if I don't watch him, then you can't compare, because I'm not influenced, so I haven't, you know what I mean?

01:05:15.000 Well, that's a compliment.

01:05:16.000 I don't think people are meaning it in a negative way.

01:05:18.000 Yeah, no, no, but it just got to the stage where, evidently, we were all trying to be Bill Hicks.

01:05:24.000 Yeah, that's just an easy criticism.

01:05:26.000 That's like, if you have an argument with a woman, and someone says, oh, you hate women, you hate all women, like, You know that easy argument? 0.94

01:05:32.000 And if you're edgy and they want to dismiss you, oh, you're just trying to be hicks. 0.81

01:05:36.000 It's an easy dismissal.

01:05:38.000 My girlfriend's favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something, or when she's telling me, or whatever the argument is, is the problem with you is you always think you're right.

01:05:48.000 And I always go, do you say things that you think are wrong? 0.99

01:05:51.000 Is this what you fucking do? 0.99

01:05:53.000 Of course I always think I'm right. 0.99

01:05:55.000 I might not be right, but these are my opinions.

01:05:58.000 These are what I therefore believe to be correct. 0.99

01:06:01.000 Are you just fucking saying things willy-nilly? 0.98

01:06:03.000 So this is probably why we fight so much. 0.99

01:06:05.000 But yeah, I always believe I'm right.

01:06:07.000 I think if you consider it deeply enough, you should always believe you're right.

01:06:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:06:12.000 If you're just talking off the top of your head, yeah.

01:06:14.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:06:14.000 I might be an idiot, but I always think I'm right. 1.00

01:06:17.000 Yeah, I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong. 0.98

01:06:20.000 Several times I am wrong, but I don't know that before the fight.

01:06:25.000 That's a very important point.

01:06:27.000 That you don't know you're wrong, but you are.

01:06:30.000 But I have a real problem with that.

01:06:32.000 When someone realizes in the middle of an argument that they're wrong, and then they keep going.

01:06:37.000 No, when they keep going. 0.98

01:06:39.000 I fucking hate that, when you hear them justifying it. 0.99

01:06:42.000 Yeah, they don't back down. 1.00

01:06:43.000 That drives me crazy.

01:06:44.000 It's like I was...

01:06:45.000 I was on set.

01:06:46.000 DJ Qualls was in my shows, The Skinny Kid Out of Road Trip.

01:06:49.000 He was singing along to Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi.

01:06:56.000 I'm wanted dead or alive.

01:06:59.000 And then there's a line, On the steel horse I ride.

01:07:02.000 Right?

01:07:03.000 Yeah, I always thought it was, I'm going to steal the horse I ride.

01:07:07.000 Because he's a cowboy.

01:07:09.000 But it turns out he's riding on a motorcycle.

01:07:11.000 That's better, actually.

01:07:12.000 And I haven't got the gist of this song whatsoever.

01:07:14.000 Right?

01:07:15.000 And I said, oh, you got that wrong.

01:07:17.000 I'm going to steal the horse I ride.

01:07:18.000 And then he said, no, it's not.

01:07:20.000 And then I went, no, you're wrong.

01:07:21.000 I checked it on the internet and he was right, but I didn't back down.

01:07:27.000 Just keep it mum.

01:07:28.000 I just kept on going for weeks about it. 1.00

01:07:31.000 You don't even know fucking song lyrics. 0.99

01:07:32.000 This guy knew it upset him. 1.00

01:07:34.000 Either one is fine.

01:07:35.000 Steel Horse or Steal the Horse. 0.91

01:07:37.000 I think Steal the Horse is more renegade cowboy. 1.00

01:07:40.000 Steel Horse is any asshole can go buy a Harley Davidson and pretend you're a fucking cowboy. 1.00

01:07:44.000 I like my lyrics better. 1.00

01:07:46.000 It's better.

01:07:47.000 It is better. 1.00

01:07:48.000 Steal the Horse I Ride, that's some real renegade shit. 1.00

01:07:50.000 You're a horse thief. 1.00

01:07:53.000 There's a song. 0.96

01:07:54.000 One of my favorite songs from an Australian band called You and I is called Heavy Heart.

01:07:59.000 And there's a lyric that goes, Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain.

01:08:07.000 I'm loving cigarettes again.

01:08:09.000 I know every t-shirt.

01:08:10.000 It's just about a guy who's been dumped, right?

01:08:11.000 Right.

01:08:12.000 Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain.

01:08:14.000 I always thought it was now every t-shirt has a white stain.

01:08:17.000 And that's my lyrics. 0.98

01:08:18.000 Because he's been dumped, so he's wanking so much that he's getting cum everywhere. 0.98

01:08:21.000 Right. 0.99

01:08:24.000 That's probably better.

01:08:25.000 In a romantic song though, every t-shirt's got a white stain.

01:08:29.000 I'm loving cigarettes again.

01:08:31.000 Weinstein.

01:08:33.000 Come on, man.

01:08:33.000 Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

01:08:35.000 Yeah, that's a good one.

01:08:37.000 Yeah, everybody used to have a bit about that.

01:08:39.000 That was one of the early stand-up bits that people used to have a bit about people getting the lyrics wrong.

01:08:44.000 There was a bunch of guys that had that.

01:08:45.000 Where they used to have the sheet where they have them written and they'd be flipping them over, what they thought was...

01:08:50.000 No, no, no.

01:08:51.000 They would sing the wrong lyrics.

01:08:53.000 There was a few guys that had bits, and it would be a real problem if they worked together.

01:08:58.000 There's a few guys that had bits about people getting the wrong...

01:09:01.000 Lucy in the Sky with diamonds.

01:09:03.000 They would come up with the wrong word for it, and they would have a whole thing.

01:09:08.000 I saw a lot of guys...

01:09:10.000 Hold me close to Tony Danza.

01:09:12.000 That's Photoshop, though.

01:09:13.000 So obviously.

01:09:15.000 There was a...

01:09:19.000 There was a lot of guys who would have a pad and they'd write out...

01:09:22.000 In Britain, they'd write out all the lyrics to songs like...

01:09:26.000 You know that song they always play in satanic movies?

01:09:30.000 It's in Latin, right?

01:09:32.000 But he would write out what he thought it was in English.

01:09:34.000 And when you saw the words with the music, your ear started to go, Oh, that is what they're saying.

01:09:40.000 And then there was another one for that Michael Jackson, The Earth Song.

01:09:43.000 That one.

01:09:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:09:47.000 No one knows what the fuck he's saying and that. 0.99

01:09:48.000 He's just screaming around. 0.99

01:09:50.000 That was very proper in Britain for them to go, these are the words I think. 0.66

01:09:54.000 Yeah, it's kind of hacky.

01:09:55.000 It's kind of hacky.

01:09:56.000 I don't mind a guy. 0.99

01:10:00.000 Occasionally you get song parody guys that are really shit. 0.99

01:10:04.000 Most of them are shit, but occasionally you'll get a guy where you go, oh, he's alright, him. 1.00

01:10:08.000 Just out of nowhere. 1.00

01:10:09.000 It's like anything. 0.98

01:10:11.000 Even if you do something shit, if you do it extraordinarily well, then it can be good. 0.99

01:10:15.000 Well, it sucks for a guy like Weird Al Yankovic, who was like one of the first guys. 0.99

01:10:20.000 He does it very good and just doesn't change the lyrics. 0.70

01:10:23.000 He gives a whole new story.

01:10:25.000 It's like he does that offspring song, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi. 0.72

01:10:33.000 Yeah.

01:10:34.000 Yeah.

01:10:36.000 And it's just all about this guy, and he's in his rabbi place, and he's in a synagogue, and, you know...

01:10:42.000 It is a weird thing, though, when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing.

01:10:46.000 You know, whenever you're doing a parody of something, someone else creates a foundation, and then you come along and build comedy on the foundation of whatever they're doing.

01:10:52.000 Like, I'm fat from I'm bad.

01:10:55.000 You know, you wear it...

01:10:55.000 He's got the same outfit on.

01:10:59.000 But he was the first guy to really...

01:11:02.000 He used to get the rights from people, like for the film clips and everything.

01:11:05.000 People used to like it when they did it.

01:11:06.000 Oh, I'm sure.

01:11:07.000 See, at the moment, I've been told...

01:11:11.000 That Dana Carvey does an impersonation of me.

01:11:14.000 I desperately want to see it.

01:11:16.000 Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you?

01:11:17.000 Yeah, like at CAA, the agents said, we just know Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you. 0.97

01:11:22.000 We're all cracking up.

01:11:22.000 I don't think he does it on stage, but he was just doing it for the other agents down at CAA. And then I think they thought that I'd be like, what the fuck is that cunt doing?

01:11:31.000 I was like, fuck, all I want to know now is what it looks like. 1.00

01:11:35.000 I want to see Dana. 0.99

01:11:37.000 Dana Carvey's like one of the best impersonators ever.

01:11:39.000 Yeah, that's cool.

01:11:41.000 That's cool that he's doing an impersonation of you.

01:11:43.000 I'd say that's a good sign.

01:11:44.000 That's a good sign, yeah.

01:11:46.000 He's one of those guys that I always think...

01:11:48.000 Maybe he just didn't want to do movies anymore.

01:11:51.000 Because he just lives up in San Francisco now.

01:11:53.000 He plays clubs every weekend and stuff like that.

01:11:55.000 Does he?

01:11:56.000 Yeah, I think.

01:11:57.000 Does he do a lot of stand-up?

01:11:58.000 Yeah, but I think he does it in a club down the road from his house where he goes every week and it's packed out.

01:12:04.000 Really?

01:12:04.000 You know what I mean?

01:12:05.000 He's just that guy.

01:12:06.000 Let's find out.

01:12:07.000 I think he was at the Ice House recently.

01:12:09.000 Really?

01:12:10.000 Yeah.

01:12:12.000 I, man, those era films, like Wayne's World and all that, were a big deal for me.

01:12:19.000 Yeah, me too.

01:12:20.000 I think I saw Wayne's World more than any movie ever in my life.

01:12:23.000 Well, he's doing a bunch of theaters.

01:12:25.000 He's doing San Manuel Casino, and he's doing the IP Casino Resort and Spa.

01:12:33.000 He's doing smaller casinos.

01:12:36.000 But maybe he's doing, you know, he just mostly works up there.

01:12:40.000 I want to put him in legit.

01:12:42.000 If we get a third season, I want to put him in.

01:12:46.000 Have him do an impression of you?

01:12:48.000 Yeah, maybe that could be the reason.

01:12:50.000 Like I could see him on TV doing impersonation of me.

01:12:52.000 I go to confront him or something.

01:12:53.000 It would be a cool episode.

01:12:54.000 Like if I was a bit arrogant and all upset and I was on coke when I was watching the episode where he was doing that or the TV spot.

01:13:01.000 I think for a guy like him, you know, I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do, to just be able to do theaters, just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have anybody telling him, you know, oh, our movie got funded, the production company wants to change something about your show.

01:13:18.000 It's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because they didn't book it.

01:13:23.000 They went, oh, we should come along to everything.

01:13:25.000 I'm like, I've done Joe's podcast before, just fine, getting there by myself. 0.98

01:13:29.000 Oh, PR people are disgusting. 1.00

01:13:31.000 When people bring them and they start talking to me, what he needs to do is, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:13:37.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:13:38.000 You can't talk for him. 1.00

01:13:40.000 There's a reason why he's here and not you.

01:13:43.000 He's a talker. 0.99

01:13:44.000 This is a comedian or she or whoever the fuck the guest is. 0.99

01:13:46.000 It's a very odd occupation, the PR. Well, they're confused. 0.99

01:13:50.000 Everybody else that you have employed, you can sort of...

01:13:54.000 Exactly tell where the money's coming from.

01:13:56.000 Your agent books the gigs and your manager gets your thing.

01:13:58.000 You can sort of go, quintessentially, you can justify that.

01:14:01.000 But with PR, it's just like, I don't know, is that worth the money?

01:14:05.000 I don't know.

01:14:06.000 Did I get anything out of it?

01:14:08.000 Is my life better?

01:14:09.000 I'm not sure what happened there.

01:14:10.000 Some of them are real good.

01:14:12.000 Some of them are really good at it.

01:14:13.000 I have a good publicist.

01:14:15.000 If I need to do things, he can get me those things.

01:14:18.000 If I want to promote something, a gig or what have you.

01:14:21.000 But the bad ones are the ones that tell the clients what to say and what to do and where to don't talk about this.

01:14:26.000 Remember, don't do this.

01:14:28.000 Don't do that.

01:14:29.000 You can never do that with a comic.

01:14:31.000 Comics should do, most likely, the mistake that you think that they're going to make would be one of the best things they could do.

01:14:37.000 Like you telling them not to say something, if they wind up saying it and it becomes hilarious, a big uproar, and the network gets pissed, it's probably the best thing they could ever do.

01:14:46.000 I got in trouble a couple of weeks ago on Opie and Anthony just ringing in and I had to have my publicist check that I didn't fuck everything up in my life because Carrie Fisher's in this season are legit and so I chatted to Carrie Fisher for a while and Carrie Fisher told me a little bit about what she was doing in Star Wars And I didn't think it was a big secret.

01:15:07.000 And I was talking to Opie and anything about it.

01:15:10.000 What was it?

01:15:11.000 Yeah, what was it? 0.94

01:15:12.000 It turns out, like, on Star Wars forums and webpages went fucking mental. 0.82

01:15:18.000 Like, Jim Jefferies just spilt the beans on the new Star Wars film. 0.94

01:15:21.000 Oh, no. 1.00

01:15:22.000 And I was like, ah, fuck. 1.00

01:15:24.000 They're the last fucking bit of mafia in this town that I need going after me. 1.00

01:15:28.000 The people who are in charge of it. 1.00

01:15:29.000 Disney.

01:15:30.000 20th Century Fox and Disney at once, teaming up to ruin my career.

01:15:35.000 So she told you a secret?

01:15:37.000 No, she didn't tell me a big secret.

01:15:38.000 All she said was, she said to me, she goes, I'm going to film Star Wars sort of January through to July.

01:15:45.000 And I said on opening Anthony, I go, well, it was announced.

01:15:49.000 I go, she can't be having a small role.

01:15:52.000 Because she's there for that many months.

01:15:54.000 So, like, I imagine that we're going to see her, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo in the whole film.

01:16:02.000 You know, which many people were speculating that they'll just have a cameo.

01:16:07.000 Right?

01:16:08.000 And I was saying, well, that amount of time...

01:16:10.000 And I thought maybe this was information that everyone already knew.

01:16:13.000 Yeah.

01:16:14.000 I didn't know that I had some secret.

01:16:17.000 I can say it again here because I'm already in trouble, right? 0.98

01:16:21.000 She was the one who fucked up by telling you. 0.97

01:16:24.000 If you're going to tell someone something that's a secret, you've got to say, hey, you can't tell anybody this. 0.99

01:16:29.000 Well, I don't know if it was a secret.

01:16:30.000 I don't know if it's just been blown out of a point.

01:16:32.000 But they say that Episode 7 is a continuation of Episode 6. I'm like...

01:16:37.000 Eh!

01:16:38.000 There's going to have to be a 30-year gap between these things unless something happened with the Force where everyone aged really fast.

01:16:47.000 They lost me 100% a few years back.

01:16:50.000 It's like the first couple of Star Wars, the original few, were pretty good.

01:16:54.000 And then when they took that gap and then came back, was it in the 80s?

01:16:58.000 The late 80s when they started doing them again?

01:17:00.000 No, no, no.

01:17:00.000 The Phantom Menace was...

01:17:03.000 Later than that, man, that was like 19...

01:17:06.000 No, 2000, I was at university.

01:17:09.000 Was it really?

01:17:09.000 Yeah.

01:17:10.000 Okay, well, wherever it was, I was like, man, this is just not Star Wars.

01:17:14.000 That was the height of my ecstasy taking. 0.98

01:17:16.000 I was at that stupid thing when you get so into pills where you're like, we're going to have to see Star Wars and we'll be on ecstasy. 0.98

01:17:24.000 Because it's like, someone's just spent a billion dollars on special effects and that's still not good enough for my mind anymore. 0.99

01:17:30.000 I need to see it.

01:17:30.000 What is it like to see that movie on Ecstasy?

01:17:32.000 Do you forgive them more?

01:17:34.000 I actually saw it the first time on Ecstasy and I remember saying to people as we walked out, best Star Wars ever.

01:17:41.000 And then I went and saw it two more times.

01:17:44.000 And also, it didn't adjust after the drugs were off because I'd been telling everyone all that week, you've got to see it.

01:17:50.000 It's better than the original Star Wars.

01:17:53.000 Oh no! 0.95

01:17:54.000 Because the pod thing, not the podcast, the pod racing blew my fucking mind when I was in XC. Yeah. 0.97

01:18:03.000 Jar Jar Binks, he is awesome in this movie.

01:18:05.000 Best actor.

01:18:06.000 I smell an Oscar.

01:18:08.000 Do you remember how bad that character was?

01:18:10.000 Everybody was angry. 0.99

01:18:11.000 You know what was bad about those new films were, and I don't know if George is just an idiot, but a little bit racist. 1.00

01:18:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:18.000 Jar Jar Binks was obviously like a black sort of slave woman from a Gone with the Wind style film. 1.00

01:18:24.000 And a black actor.

01:18:25.000 Pull up the Jar Jar Binks video.

01:18:27.000 No, but the way he talked.

01:18:29.000 Ah, me sir, get you for that, sir.

01:18:31.000 Me sir gonna help you out to me, sir. 1.00

01:18:33.000 And he was like, just fucking shine my shoes and fuck off. 1.00

01:18:37.000 Like it was that level of racism they were putting in. 1.00

01:18:39.000 And then they made the guys who were the trade embargo people. 0.65

01:18:44.000 They were like Nazi-esque Japanese people. 1.00

01:18:48.000 They were like, you have no section here in this part of the galaxy.

01:18:53.000 Like that, right?

01:18:54.000 Pull up a video.

01:18:55.000 Pull up a video.

01:18:56.000 I don't want to hear you do it.

01:18:58.000 No, it's Aunt Maybel or whatever.

01:19:01.000 Well, that's interesting, man.

01:19:02.000 I never even thought about it that way.

01:19:04.000 And then the goodies all had British accent.

01:19:06.000 All the Jedis were like, we are part of the realm of the thing. 0.95

01:19:09.000 And then, you cannot come into our trade.

01:19:12.000 Right?

01:19:13.000 So it was like...

01:19:14.000 And all the Gungans were like laid-back Jamaican-style black people in the end of the film where they were all like hippies. 1.00

01:19:22.000 There is that thing that we do when we have a language that we want to be noble.

01:19:26.000 We give it an English accent.

01:19:27.000 Or villains.

01:19:28.000 They're good at villains or romantic leads, the English accent.

01:19:31.000 Like, when you hear...

01:19:32.000 Why is this music playing in the background?

01:19:37.000 Because I think most of the videos with Jar Jar Binks have been taken off YouTube, but this one's so awesome.

01:19:45.000 Me sir.

01:20:00.000 Steps on dog.

01:20:01.000 He always has to walk ten steps behind these masters.

01:20:12.000 The music is killing me.

01:20:13.000 He was the first fully CGI'd person in the cinema, and the technology just was a few years off.

01:20:20.000 Because then they sort of nailed it with Gollum.

01:20:22.000 Well, they can make it...

01:20:23.000 The thing about these guys, like Jar Jar Binks, is it's not a real thing. 0.94

01:20:28.000 So you don't compare it to a real thing, and it doesn't fuck with you.

01:20:30.000 Like, a real lion looks way different than a CGI lion.

01:20:34.000 There's something about the way they move.

01:20:36.000 It's like... 0.97

01:20:36.000 But Godzilla is probably going to look fucking badass. 0.97

01:20:40.000 Lizards and stuff look really good, but I always say don't CGI clothes. 0.92

01:20:45.000 As soon as you CGI clothing on something, the material doesn't flow too smoothly like it's water or something.

01:20:53.000 It doesn't ruffle like a real shirt.

01:20:55.000 Yoda looked cool as a puppet.

01:20:58.000 He was more believable as a puppet because he existed.

01:21:01.000 Yes.

01:21:01.000 And now Yoda, it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with, it just doesn't, that's what takes me out of it.

01:21:07.000 Yeah, that's the argument that special effects guys have for using makeup and like Richard, you know, the type of special effects that they used in Star Wars, the original Star Wars, it's all like the same shit they use in American Werewolf in London, like rubber and,

01:21:23.000 you know, hair and they, it's all special effects guys.

01:21:26.000 But it's real.

01:21:27.000 Rick Baker was like the main guy.

01:21:28.000 But yeah, it's a real thing.

01:21:30.000 Whereas like if you're looking at, hair is a big one.

01:21:33.000 Like flowing hair. 1.00

01:21:34.000 Any flowing hair that's CGI, it looks like shit. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Unless it's like in a CGI world, like a Pixar film where everyone's fucking looking that way.

01:21:44.000 But if it's standing next to another person, you're like, Yeah. 0.88

01:21:48.000 It's not real.

01:21:49.000 Yeah, it's not.

01:21:49.000 They're not ready yet.

01:21:50.000 Animals are not ready yet.

01:21:51.000 The wolves in Game of Thrones, those dire wolves, they're like...

01:21:54.000 We got John Ratzenberger on my show.

01:21:58.000 He plays one of the dads, right?

01:22:00.000 Who's Cliff Clavin from Cheers.

01:22:01.000 Ah, great.

01:22:02.000 Now, I can always tell the age of a girl... 0.96

01:22:06.000 Like, I don't shit on my girlfriend or anything, but I always think when these girls were extras, I have one line on the thing. 1.00

01:22:10.000 You always think, I wonder if I could have fucked her. 1.00

01:22:12.000 You know, that's how all your life is like this, right? 1.00

01:22:14.000 Right, of course.

01:22:15.000 And I was talking to one girl thinking she was cute. 0.99

01:22:19.000 And then this is the way I gauge a girl whether she's too young for me.

01:22:23.000 Whether when she's talking to John Ratzenberger, does she know him as A, Cliff from Cheers or B, the pig from Toy Story?

01:22:33.000 And if she's never heard of Cheers and he goes, oh yeah, I'm Hammy, the pig from Toy Story. 0.83

01:22:39.000 I got some coin.

01:22:40.000 Hey, Buzz Lightyear.

01:22:41.000 If he does all that and they go, oh, I know who you are.

01:22:44.000 You go, okay, you can't go near that girl. 0.98

01:22:45.000 It's too young.

01:22:48.000 Too young.

01:22:49.000 It's a...

01:22:50.000 Like, surely you must have seen Cheers once.

01:22:53.000 A lot of people haven't.

01:22:54.000 You know why?

01:22:55.000 Because kids today don't see anything old because they've got too many channel options.

01:23:00.000 It's true.

01:23:00.000 Too many new shows to catch up on.

01:23:02.000 I used to see... 0.87

01:23:03.000 I've seen all the Albert Castellanos, Mar and Park Kettle films, every Shirley Temple movie, because my mother liked these old black and white films, and they were on a Sunday, and we only had four channels, and we only had one TV, so I had to fucking sit and watch these films, right?

01:23:15.000 Because I didn't go out of the house for whatever reason.

01:23:17.000 Now, the kids today...

01:23:20.000 They've got their own, you know, you had to wake up for a cartoon.

01:23:24.000 Remember you had to, the cartoon was at Sunday, you had to wake up for it. 1.00

01:23:27.000 I remember that shit. 0.99

01:23:28.000 Now you can DVR it, plus you've got a cartoon channel, and then when you get a bit older, you've got this channel that sort of caters to you being a fucking moron, the Nickelodeon one, where it's like, now, like, you're growing up a little bit, we're still going to keep you children. 1.00

01:23:41.000 When the kids should be start watching more adult sort of, drama-y type things, now they're watching fucking Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or all that type of shit. 0.99

01:23:50.000 Have you ever seen Nick at Night or Nick Moms? 0.99

01:23:52.000 They have Nick Moms stand-up. 0.51

01:23:55.000 Nick's After Dark, yeah.

01:23:55.000 Where they have the moms doing stand-ups.

01:23:57.000 About being a mom.

01:23:58.000 Yeah.

01:23:59.000 I guess it works for them.

01:24:01.000 I'm not hating or anything.

01:24:03.000 But it seems like a very restrictive thing.

01:24:05.000 It's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like 5,000 people in Australia and I was booked to do it.

01:24:12.000 And as I said, I retire my jokes after they're done.

01:24:15.000 This is the only time I brought back old jokes in recent times because I had to do a 40-minute set.

01:24:20.000 It had to be all religious stuff.

01:24:22.000 And I have 40 minutes of religious stuff over the course of all my specials, but never at once.

01:24:27.000 So I actually sat looking myself up on YouTube going, oh, that's how that bit goes.

01:24:32.000 Oh, that's how that bit goes. 0.99

01:24:33.000 So I could just do a religious fucking set. 0.99

01:24:36.000 A 40-minute religious set. 0.99

01:24:38.000 How do you keep yourself from repeating the same sort of theme? 0.99

01:24:42.000 Well, I've done a lot of religious things, but there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that I'd go, I'd go, fucking, these Catholics don't like people wearing condoms, do they? 1.00

01:24:53.000 Anyway, fuck the chick without a condom. 1.00

01:24:57.000 That wasn't a religious routine. 1.00

01:25:00.000 But there was some definite...

01:25:01.000 You got to.

01:25:02.000 Yeah, there was some dressing up of other jokes to make them look like they were religious.

01:25:07.000 That's funny.

01:25:08.000 But when you do...

01:25:09.000 When you meet that many atheists... 1.00

01:25:11.000 Okay, the atheist community, not a good looking bunch. 0.99

01:25:13.000 Not a lot of sexy atheists. 1.00

01:25:15.000 I don't know why. 0.92

01:25:16.000 A lot of redundancy too.

01:25:17.000 Yeah, a lot.

01:25:18.000 And yeah, as I said, my opening line was, look at this, 5,000 people talking about nothing.

01:25:23.000 You know?

01:25:24.000 Like, there's a lot of effort to talk about nothing.

01:25:26.000 Well, have you ever heard of Atheism Plus?

01:25:29.000 What's that?

01:25:29.000 Ugh, this is where it gets rough.

01:25:31.000 It's Atheism Plus a set of core ethical and moral values. 0.57

01:25:36.000 So, it's like, you know, anti-discrimination, anti-racism.

01:25:41.000 Essentially, it's a religion.

01:25:42.000 A religion based on... 0.97

01:25:44.000 A type of anti-religion but social code.

01:25:47.000 You should just know how to do these things.

01:25:49.000 You should have your own social code inherently in you as a human being.

01:25:52.000 I call it duh.

01:25:54.000 Atheism plus is duh.

01:25:56.000 Yeah, duh, don't be racist. 0.92

01:25:57.000 Duh, don't be homophobic.

01:25:59.000 I think at a certain point in time, when enough information gets distributed...

01:26:04.000 Like, okay, like, for instance, this group, okay?

01:26:07.000 The four people that are in this room.

01:26:08.000 If you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you shouldn't be homophobic or you shouldn't be racist, like, to us, with no point other than just espousing your beliefs, we'd be like, duh.

01:26:19.000 Of course. 1.00

01:26:20.000 What the fuck are you saying? 1.00

01:26:21.000 Unless there's some humor to it, you're just repeating some shit that everybody with a fucking brain and a heart agrees with. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Like, why would you be sexist? 1.00

01:26:29.000 Why would you be homophobic?

01:26:30.000 Why would you be...

01:26:31.000 Yeah, all the simple fundamental things that decide whether you can be friends with a person. 0.99

01:26:38.000 Just the bit where these are deal breakers for me, if you're homophobic, you're racist, I think you're a cock, if you're any of these things.

01:26:44.000 And then there's the other things like, I'm anti-gun, I have a lot of people who are pro-gun, you know what I mean? 0.98

01:26:49.000 That's something that's just open to fucking argument or debate, but it's not a deal closer when it comes to being a friend, right? 0.86

01:26:55.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:26:56.000 And then, of course, we all hate women. 1.00

01:27:01.000 We're all on the same page with that one, right? 0.68

01:27:04.000 The antidepressant one is one that I leave open to debate.

01:27:08.000 I have people that I'm friends with that will go on this big rant about how evil antidepressants are.

01:27:14.000 And I have friends that are on them.

01:27:16.000 Oh, I've used them and I've found they have helped me in my life.

01:27:20.000 You used them and you got off of them?

01:27:21.000 Yes.

01:27:22.000 Why'd you get off of them?

01:27:24.000 I probably should stay on them, but I'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your body, medicine-wise.

01:27:31.000 You know, there's other things you should take, vitamins or whatever, but I feel like if you can get away with it and not take it, it's probably better in the long term. 0.93

01:27:39.000 Have you ever fucked around with 5-HTP? What's that? 0.95

01:27:42.000 5-HTP is the building blocks for serotonin.

01:27:46.000 And you can take it in a supplement form.

01:27:49.000 And 5-HTP actually helps your body produce more serotonin.

01:27:54.000 It makes you feel better.

01:27:55.000 Alright.

01:27:55.000 I'd be definitely up for something like that.

01:27:58.000 For me, I've been on antidepressants sometimes. 0.94

01:28:04.000 Sometimes a big tragic event happened in my life and I just haven't been able to pull my shit together a couple of times that happened. 0.99

01:28:09.000 The last time I was just suffering from depression and it just wasn't fucking shifting. 0.99

01:28:15.000 You ever been hitting the head? 0.98

01:28:17.000 Yeah.

01:28:18.000 How many times?

01:28:19.000 Lots?

01:28:21.000 One major, like high school a few times, but one major time as an adult.

01:28:25.000 There's an infamous video of me getting punched on stage, but that one didn't actually hurt.

01:28:30.000 That was just a little dinger. 0.90

01:28:31.000 But one time I got off stage in Nottingham, England, and no hint that the gig had gone badly or hecklers or anything like that, and a guy came up and grabbed me from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table, and I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose.

01:28:47.000 Why did he do that?

01:28:48.000 I'm never quite sure.

01:28:50.000 I was knocked out.

01:28:51.000 Did they arrest the guy?

01:28:53.000 From what I heard, the security roughed him up.

01:28:56.000 The British government gave me £10,000 in compensation.

01:29:00.000 But you got knocked unconscious, huh?

01:29:02.000 And I woke up in a hospital, yeah. 1.00

01:29:04.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:29:04.000 It was like one of those one-hitters. 1.00

01:29:06.000 Also, I was facing the other direction and...

01:29:10.000 It was really...

01:29:12.000 And this is what I'll say because this is one of the debates I get in.

01:29:15.000 I'm all for public healthcare and I'm saying that as someone who's got money and would pay for my private healthcare on top of that anyway.

01:29:23.000 In Britain, man, they put me in a hospital.

01:29:26.000 They never checked my name.

01:29:28.000 They made sure I was all fucking well and good and then they just left me and I wasn't a citizen or nothing.

01:29:33.000 I agree with you 100%.

01:29:34.000 I think that healthcare should be mandatory that society takes care of its citizens.

01:29:40.000 I think there should be optional healthcare, like a really good doctor, you know, like to get your knee fixed or something like that.

01:29:46.000 You want to go to the guy who does the Lakers.

01:29:47.000 But everyone should be able to get healthcare.

01:29:50.000 You should, the poorer people in society should have free healthcare.

01:29:54.000 And when I say the poorer people, people like students, even if you come from a rich family or whatever, but once you're on your own at 18 and you want to stand on your own two legs and you don't want to ring mum and dad up and go, you know what I mean?

01:30:04.000 They should be taken care of.

01:30:05.000 And then once you get a bit, like normally when you get money, it's later in life and you have more ailments later in life anyway.

01:30:11.000 But in the UK, I paid for my private healthcare on top of my normal healthcare.

01:30:15.000 Now, the public healthcare.

01:30:17.000 If I had something small, I used to use the public healthcare just to see a GP or the emergency room or whatever.

01:30:24.000 I just saw my thing.

01:30:25.000 And then if they said, for instance, I had a cyst in my neck that had to be cut out.

01:30:29.000 And the doctor goes, alright, you can be put on the waiting list for the public healthcare, you can get it done in four weeks, or I can do it for you tomorrow if you use your private cover.

01:30:38.000 So you get moved up the ladder a bit quicker.

01:30:40.000 Ah, I see.

01:30:41.000 So all these people who are complaining in America, oh, I won't get as much help.

01:30:44.000 If you still buy it on top, that's a better system.

01:30:47.000 And then nothing changes.

01:30:49.000 But I don't think they've structured it brilliantly out here, or maybe...

01:30:54.000 They've been up against it trying to explain it to Americans.

01:30:57.000 Because I listen to people on the radio all the time who sound poor to me.

01:31:02.000 They sound like they're working class people.

01:31:05.000 And they're like, I don't want this healthcare.

01:31:07.000 This healthcare is going to...

01:31:08.000 And you're like, you don't want what?

01:31:12.000 The whole fact that these companies...

01:31:16.000 Won't cover existing conditions.

01:31:18.000 If you have a little child that's born with AIDS or whatever, I know that's a very exact thing I've just said, but of course someone, they should have healthcare.

01:31:26.000 Exactly.

01:31:27.000 Exactly.

01:31:27.000 You know, there should be certain core things that society takes care of.

01:31:32.000 There should be law enforcement, there should be hospitals, there should be fire departments.

01:31:36.000 When those core things are not being taken care of, If you don't have healthcare for people, what's the point in having a society?

01:31:45.000 If you can't give these people the ability to heal themselves, isn't that one of the major things you would want to take care of?

01:31:52.000 People say it's not in the Constitution, but in the Constitution...

01:31:56.000 What? 1.00

01:31:57.000 Well, it was written when healthcare was shit. 1.00

01:32:00.000 Yeah, they didn't even know what the fuck they were doing. 1.00

01:32:02.000 They had chicken bones. 0.99

01:32:03.000 They didn't even have Band-Aids.

01:32:05.000 How about that?

01:32:05.000 They didn't have Band-Aids.

01:32:06.000 They didn't have sticky shit yet. 0.99

01:32:08.000 The leeches were very, very in. 0.98

01:32:10.000 That's how people thought you'd heal.

01:32:12.000 They didn't know enough about bodies.

01:32:14.000 But the whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the Constitution, the world is so fucking radically different than it was in the 1700s.

01:32:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:23.000 And the idea is just fucking stupid. 1.00

01:32:24.000 It's just a stupid idea. 1.00

01:32:26.000 The Constitution has some great ideas and a great understanding of what goes wrong when corruption takes hold. 1.00

01:32:32.000 It's like the Ten Commandments.

01:32:33.000 It's a good foundation and a base, but then you can add to it and then...

01:32:37.000 What did Louis C.K. say?

01:32:40.000 The Ten Commandments don't say you can't rape. 0.54

01:32:45.000 Well, rape is kind of tolerated in the Bible.

01:32:48.000 Women are second-class citizens in the Bible.

01:32:50.000 It's so clearly flavored by the time in which people wrote it. 1.00

01:32:56.000 There's a lot of fucking shit in the Bible. 1.00

01:32:58.000 When they talk about coveting their wife's neighbor, that's not about fucking her or wanting to fuck her. 1.00

01:33:04.000 It's about she's property. 1.00

01:33:06.000 That's what it is.

01:33:07.000 Coveting, it's like taking his property. 0.93

01:33:09.000 It's not like coveting his wife, you know, because they're in love and you're going to fuck up their gig. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Coverting her face and over her tits. 1.00

01:33:17.000 Look at all that covet I put on you. 0.99

01:33:19.000 I don't have a great grasp of the English language.

01:33:22.000 I don't think most people do.

01:33:24.000 Coveting thy neighbor's wife, though, is about him being, you know, him owning her.

01:33:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:30.000 Slaves. 0.95

01:33:31.000 They have all these laws in the Bible about beating your slaves.

01:33:35.000 It's all written about wherever the guy was within a five-mile radius.

01:33:40.000 There's a webpage called Ask God or something where little kids can type in.

01:33:44.000 And the most asked question on Ask God is, this is what kids' brains work like.

01:33:49.000 Kids want to know, were there kangaroos on the ark?

01:33:53.000 Right?

01:33:53.000 After they hear all the stories, a child can get the Bible down to, this is the information I want.

01:33:59.000 Were there kangaroos in the ark is the most asked question.

01:34:01.000 And the answer is, although there is no mention of kangaroos in the Bible, you can be assured because there was two of each animal that there were kangaroos in the ark.

01:34:09.000 They just decided to leave it out because not a lot of Australians read the Bible? 0.98

01:34:12.000 No, they just left it out because they didn't fucking know about Australia! 0.96

01:34:17.000 God made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff and he did it in like a week, but he didn't know about Australia, at least not to mention in his book. 0.98

01:34:28.000 The Australia thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's all these animals that are specific to Australia, like the kangaroo. 0.98

01:34:36.000 Those motherfuckers aren't anywhere else. 1.00

01:34:38.000 No. 1.00

01:34:38.000 What a weird animal. 1.00

01:34:39.000 They went out and fucking wombats on the ark. 0.99

01:34:43.000 And when Noah finished, when the water was going down, or when the water was receding, like to where it is now... 0.98

01:34:50.000 Did he go and drop everyone off at their different places?

01:34:53.000 Maybe all these animals were rocking around the town that he was in.

01:34:57.000 They all lived in this one town.

01:34:59.000 And then he went, oh, these are all the animals we've got left.

01:35:02.000 You're going to Australia.

01:35:03.000 You're going to Australia.

01:35:04.000 Polar bears.

01:35:05.000 You're going to be on this boat for a while.

01:35:08.000 Lions, Africa.

01:35:10.000 He must have decided, right?

01:35:11.000 Is there a bit in the Bible where he decides?

01:35:13.000 No.

01:35:13.000 They all walked and they found their spots on the world.

01:35:17.000 Yeah.

01:35:18.000 How?

01:35:18.000 How did they make it to Australia?

01:35:20.000 God provided them walking on water abilities.

01:35:23.000 They gave them those big shoes that you have on holidays that you think are good when you're going to walk on water.

01:35:29.000 Tennis racket shoes.

01:35:31.000 Yeah, those ones.

01:35:32.000 Those are snow shoes.

01:35:33.000 You need those, man, if you actually go walking in snow.

01:35:35.000 If you ever watch any of those Alaska shows where people live in...

01:35:39.000 Stops you from sinking, right? 0.97

01:35:40.000 Yeah, they have these giant, like, you know, sort of like net-looking shoes, and they walk around on those fucking things, and it keeps you from... 0.97

01:35:47.000 It spreads out your weight over a large space. 0.96

01:35:51.000 It keeps you from... 1.00

01:35:51.000 Like, if you were on pegs walking through the snow, it would be a real fucking pain in the ass. 1.00

01:35:56.000 Stilts would be no good. 0.99

01:35:57.000 Like you don't want a wide tire when you drive it in the snow.

01:36:00.000 A lot of people think that you don't want to get more traction if you had a wide tire.

01:36:04.000 Oh really?

01:36:04.000 Yeah, you actually want a more narrow tire because a narrow tire cuts through the snow.

01:36:08.000 The big wide tires tend to float on it because there's more weight is distributed over a larger patch, a larger contact patch.

01:36:16.000 I don't really understand the snow.

01:36:18.000 I find it weird whenever I go play a gig.

01:36:22.000 This week I was in Milwaukee and Detroit and it was snowing in both places.

01:36:27.000 And I'm there in the snow and I feel like telling the people...

01:36:33.000 You know you're allowed to live anywhere in America.

01:36:36.000 You're a citizen.

01:36:37.000 You can live anywhere.

01:36:38.000 You live in Hawaii.

01:36:39.000 Anywhere you want. 1.00

01:36:40.000 People shoveling out their fucking driveway. 1.00

01:36:42.000 It seems like madness to me. 1.00

01:36:44.000 It is kind of madness, but there's a certain type of person that grows up around snow that's a heartier person. 0.98

01:36:50.000 I understand, like, Canadians, where they're like, ah, I like to hunt and this, and I like to cut down trees and shit. 1.00

01:36:57.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:36:58.000 Make my own syrup?

01:36:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:37:00.000 I'm going to put a tap in that tree over there and get syrup out of it.

01:37:03.000 I'm like, alright, enjoy yourself.

01:37:05.000 But I don't understand if you live in the city.

01:37:10.000 Let's say if you have an apartment in the middle of one of these cities.

01:37:13.000 Right.

01:37:13.000 If you want to live in a big house in the hills and be like...

01:37:16.000 In the woods.

01:37:17.000 I've brought you some elk.

01:37:19.000 Right.

01:37:19.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:37:20.000 Yeah.

01:37:21.000 I understand that, but I don't...

01:37:22.000 Why?

01:37:23.000 Why live in New York City?

01:37:25.000 I don't understand.

01:37:26.000 And I also don't understand why... 1.00

01:37:27.000 Let's say you have a shitty job. 0.99

01:37:28.000 Like you're the guy in a booth that cuts keys. 1.00

01:37:31.000 Right?

01:37:32.000 And you fix heels and shoes.

01:37:33.000 I've never understood why those two occupations are bound together.

01:37:37.000 Are they together?

01:37:38.000 Yeah.

01:37:39.000 It's always the shoe fixing guy also will cut keys. 0.75

01:37:43.000 I don't know if that's true.

01:37:44.000 You know what?

01:37:46.000 The mailbox, there's a UPS place that I send packages out of.

01:37:51.000 They also make keys.

01:37:53.000 Yeah.

01:37:53.000 Keys have attached themselves to other occupations.

01:37:57.000 You can't just have a key store.

01:37:58.000 You can't just have a key store.

01:37:59.000 You gotta go, I make keys and donuts.

01:38:03.000 I never knew that the shoe was there.

01:38:04.000 No, the shoe guy is inherently mixed in with the key guy.

01:38:08.000 I understand the key guy when he's hanging out with the guy who puts batteries in watches.

01:38:14.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:38:15.000 It's a fucking sign. 1.00

01:38:16.000 It's a sign for sale on eBay. 1.00

01:38:18.000 It's for key cutting.

01:38:20.000 We should get that and ship it to Jim Jeffries.

01:38:23.000 Shoe repair and key cutting.

01:38:25.000 That's the thing.

01:38:26.000 Please purchase that.

01:38:27.000 It's $29.99.

01:38:28.000 Please purchase that.

01:38:29.000 We'll have it shipped.

01:38:30.000 Thank you.

01:38:31.000 I'll have that.

01:38:31.000 I'll put that in my gymnasium.

01:38:34.000 So they have those.

01:38:35.000 Okay, now if you do that job and you're doing, you fix a heel for $5, $10 and you do a key for $3 and you sit in your booth keying and shooing, Why do that in Manhattan?

01:38:47.000 Why don't you become the guy who does that in, like, Kansas, where it's a lot cheaper to live?

01:38:51.000 Because they live in Manhattan.

01:38:52.000 I know, but you can live anywhere!

01:38:53.000 But you're not making a lot of money with that key business. 0.98

01:38:56.000 Enough where you can stockpile up your cash, move to a new place, get a new house, move all your shit there. 0.68

01:39:03.000 Yeah, but it's a big investment to move. 0.56

01:39:05.000 See, the big problem with moving is you need three months worth of rent.

01:39:09.000 You need first, last, and security. 0.99

01:39:11.000 That's a lot of fucking money. 0.98

01:39:12.000 You also need the moving truck. 0.99

01:39:14.000 You also need the time.

01:39:16.000 Oh, I start again every year. 0.99

01:39:17.000 I just give away all my shit. 0.99

01:39:19.000 Do you really? 1.00

01:39:19.000 I moved to England, gave away all my shit. 1.00

01:39:22.000 I moved over here to America, gave away fucking everything. 1.00

01:39:25.000 Yeah, but you're a successful comic. 0.99

01:39:26.000 There's a difference.

01:39:27.000 You make a good living every week.

01:39:29.000 The stuff that you need to do your job is minimal.

01:39:32.000 I mean, what do you need?

01:39:32.000 You need a notebook and clothes.

01:39:33.000 Well, but when I moved to Britain, I was flat broke.

01:39:36.000 And then when I moved over here, I actually was getting sued by Paramount when I moved over here, and they basically cleaned out my bank account as well.

01:39:42.000 Why were you getting sued?

01:39:43.000 I had a Ford DVD deal with Paramount DVDs UK. I can speak about this now because it's been so long.

01:39:54.000 I think I've...

01:39:54.000 The statue of whatever.

01:39:56.000 Oh, maybe not. 0.99

01:39:56.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:39:57.000 So I had... 0.99

01:39:59.000 I had this four DVD deal and I had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops.

01:40:06.000 I said, I'm just going to make one to sell after gigs.

01:40:08.000 So it was done really on the cheap and it's called Contraband, which is sort of a cool name for it because it wasn't in shops and all that type of stuff, right?

01:40:16.000 And What happened was, after I made that, I just started to get popular in the UK, and they released this into the shop, so I already wasn't happy with them, because it was a really shitty product. 0.89

01:40:27.000 Really basic looking crap product.

01:40:30.000 Anyway, I come over here. 0.97

01:40:31.000 So I got that DVD in the shops over there.

01:40:33.000 I'm doing very well in Britain.

01:40:34.000 I did well at the festival and I had a profile now.

01:40:37.000 I came over here.

01:40:38.000 I got my HBO special.

01:40:40.000 And I went back going, good news, everyone.

01:40:43.000 I got an HBO special.

01:40:44.000 I'm going to make it in America now as well. 1.00

01:40:46.000 And the lady that was the executive was like talking to a fucking child. 1.00

01:40:50.000 She was like, but you've still got a three DVD deal with us. 0.99

01:40:55.000 And I'm there going, yeah, but let me do this one.

01:40:57.000 Then we'll start selling product in America.

01:40:59.000 I'll do the next three with you.

01:41:01.000 You've already got me for a cheap rate.

01:41:03.000 Let me do this one in America to raise my price.

01:41:05.000 And she goes, but you can't do that.

01:41:07.000 Your deal's with us.

01:41:10.000 And so I went, I'm doing the HBO special, sue me.

01:41:13.000 And so they sued me for the advance money they gave me for the four.

01:41:19.000 How much advance do they give you?

01:41:21.000 Well, you don't have to tell.

01:41:21.000 £90,000.

01:41:23.000 And so you had to give them back.

01:41:25.000 Which is like 150,000 American.

01:41:28.000 It was a lot of money.

01:41:31.000 And I had to give them back that plus money that...

01:41:35.000 I might have been less than that.

01:41:36.000 Anyway, I had to give them that plus money that they'd spent on me.

01:41:39.000 So it was like another 20,000 pounds or whatever.

01:41:41.000 And so I said, all right, for that, I said, you have to take Contraband off the shelves because I never liked that one.

01:41:46.000 So I got that DVD pulled from the shops.

01:41:49.000 And I did a lot of jokes on that one in my HBO special as well.

01:41:53.000 But I got out of that deal.

01:41:55.000 Best thing I ever did, because I've now had three more deals since then to do DVDs afterwards.

01:42:00.000 It was the best thing ever, getting sued by those people.

01:42:02.000 But at the time, I had that much money, minus 10 grand in my bank account, and was like...

01:42:08.000 And I felt like I was the richest guy in the world. 0.98

01:42:10.000 I had like a hundred thousand pounds in my bank and I felt like I'm sitting pretty and then I'm going to move to America and then I was fucking broke, man. 1.00

01:42:18.000 They took it all, the bastards. 1.00

01:42:20.000 Well, it sounds like they were right. 1.00

01:42:22.000 You had a deal.

01:42:23.000 Oh, no, they...

01:42:24.000 Unfortunately.

01:42:25.000 Fundamentally, they were right.

01:42:26.000 Yeah.

01:42:26.000 But they could have made a lot more money out of me if they just let me out to do this one special.

01:42:31.000 Yeah, but they wouldn't trust you to do that because if you went and did that...

01:42:36.000 See, they're not making any money off that HBO thing.

01:42:39.000 No.

01:42:39.000 The only way to get...

01:42:40.000 But they would have gotten Alcoholics fully functional than what I'm about to record.

01:42:44.000 Yeah, but they would never...

01:42:45.000 How do they know you would stay alive?

01:42:48.000 They give you this HBO special, you get hit by a meteor, you know?

01:42:51.000 All I know is there was one of the executives that were working for Paramount who agreed with me and one of them who didn't.

01:42:58.000 And those two executives were fighting.

01:42:59.000 I think one of the execs actually left.

01:43:02.000 Because of it?

01:43:02.000 Yeah, went to a different...

01:43:03.000 I went to work with Sony or something because he was like, I can't fucking... 1.00

01:43:06.000 This was just stupid. 1.00

01:43:07.000 This should be a way to work it out. 0.98

01:43:09.000 I was the first British-based comic in, I can't even think of another one, but let's say in a very long time, to get a major break in America.

01:43:19.000 To get an HBO special or a Showtime special in America.

01:43:23.000 I'm sure Billy Connolly's probably done one.

01:43:25.000 Eddie Izzard's always produced his own type of stuff.

01:43:27.000 But I was the first British bass guy to have that sort of thing. 0.98

01:43:31.000 And there was no way I wasn't going to fucking do it. 0.97

01:43:33.000 Of course. 0.98

01:43:34.000 So I just opted out of my contract and got sued.

01:43:38.000 I'm not angry about it to this day.

01:43:40.000 I feel like it worked out better for me.

01:43:42.000 But at the time, it was like someone punching me in the guts when you give over all that money. 0.99

01:43:46.000 You're like, oh crap. 0.87

01:43:47.000 Still, though, you getting rid of all your stuff, you're still a successful comic. 0.99

01:43:51.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:43:52.000 I was still being paid for the HBOs.

01:43:54.000 I had money coming in.

01:43:55.000 No, it wasn't super difficult.

01:43:56.000 Yeah, but I'm saying this is a lot harder for a guy who's making keys.

01:44:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:44:00.000 Key guy.

01:44:01.000 If you really stop and think about a guy who has a real low-paying job and the idea of saving money...

01:44:09.000 And the idea of figuring out...

01:44:10.000 Oh, it doesn't exist, saving money.

01:44:11.000 I was reading about this general.

01:44:13.000 You heard this case about this general that he got sued for sexual harassment or for sexual misconduct.

01:44:20.000 Adultery apparently is illegal in the armed forces.

01:44:22.000 That's how they got Petraeus.

01:44:24.000 Petraeus got kicked out because of adultery.

01:44:26.000 Right. 0.98

01:44:26.000 Which is pretty fucking unbelievable when you think about it. 0.98

01:44:28.000 You're allowed to kill people, but you're not allowed to fuck someone other than your wife. 1.00

01:44:31.000 Like, they'll kick you out of the army for that. 1.00

01:44:33.000 Like...

01:44:34.000 Okay, whatever.

01:44:35.000 It seems a little preachy, but yeah.

01:44:36.000 But they talked about how much this guy, how much he was making, and you find out how much a general makes.

01:44:43.000 They were talking about, it was $4,000 a month, or $5,000 a month for four months.

01:44:47.000 They took his money away.

01:44:49.000 He didn't get paid for four months while this trial was going on.

01:44:51.000 I always find it amazing when you find out how much the president earns.

01:44:54.000 Yeah.

01:44:54.000 Like a quarter of a million a year.

01:44:56.000 Yeah, it's not.

01:44:56.000 Well, I think it's a little more than that now.

01:44:58.000 I think it's like a half a mil for the president.

01:45:00.000 I know that they earn less than the stagehands at Carnegie Hall.

01:45:05.000 Whoa, are you serious?

01:45:07.000 The stagehands at Carnegie Hall are union-based and you can pass the job on to your children.

01:45:12.000 And two-thirds of the stagehands at Carnegie Hall, it's like a fact that they always give in pub quizzes, earn more than the president.

01:45:19.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:45:20.000 In 2001, the president earned $400,000, along with a $50,000 annual expense account, a $100,000 non-taxable travel account.

01:45:28.000 Now, how much is it today in 2014?

01:45:32.000 Today, it's still $400,000.

01:45:34.000 Plus free iPad, plus Monster Beats.

01:45:38.000 A travel account.

01:45:39.000 You always get an upgrade on Delta.

01:45:41.000 The total salary is $550,000 per year with an entertainment stipend.

01:45:48.000 He has a $20,000 entertainment stipend.

01:45:51.000 That means he gets to have Jay-Z come over and sing him a song.

01:45:54.000 Isn't that the one he likes?

01:45:56.000 I don't think that's what it is.

01:45:57.000 I think it means for his entertainment, money he spends things on.

01:46:03.000 $20,000 a year, which I guess, over the course of 365 days, 50, well, it's probably dinner and stuff like that, too.

01:46:10.000 I thought he didn't pay for anything.

01:46:12.000 I thought he just had a corporate card where he could buy anything and it was on us, you know.

01:46:17.000 Well, he has an expense account.

01:46:18.000 There's an annual expense account, but it doesn't say how much it is.

01:46:21.000 But it says that in 1969, Nixon made $200,000, which is over a million today, in today's dollars.

01:46:29.000 In expenses?

01:46:30.000 No, per year.

01:46:31.000 That's what his salary was. 1.00

01:46:34.000 Nixon might have given himself a raise, though, that cunt. 1.00

01:46:37.000 Yeah, he was a crook, I heard. 1.00

01:46:39.000 Said he wasn't. 1.00

01:46:40.000 Oh, he was definitely a crook. 1.00

01:46:41.000 He was a piece of shit, but everybody was a piece of shit back then. 1.00

01:46:45.000 He was just one of the first guys to get caught. 1.00

01:46:46.000 There was a whole series of pieces of shits. 0.99

01:46:50.000 What is this? 0.99

01:46:51.000 This is an interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that because he thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he only uses postal mail.

01:47:00.000 Wow.

01:47:01.000 Well, now that he told them that, they're going to intercept his postal mail.

01:47:04.000 Read it, print it, reveal it. 0.99

01:47:06.000 What is he, retarded? 1.00

01:47:07.000 Of course they're spying on him. 1.00

01:47:07.000 Who slips eat chips, you old cunt? 1.00

01:47:09.000 Of course they're spying on him. 1.00

01:47:11.000 He's an ex-president, right?

01:47:12.000 Of course they...

01:47:13.000 He doesn't even know how to use a computer, let's be honest.

01:47:15.000 He probably knows how to use a computer.

01:47:17.000 He's a pretty smart guy.

01:47:18.000 Wasn't he a peanut farmer?

01:47:19.000 Yeah, peanut.

01:47:20.000 At a certain point in time, I think kind of everybody who's paying attention knows how to use a computer in this day and age.

01:47:26.000 I'm the worst at it, but I can still email and...

01:47:30.000 Then you're better than Dom Herrera.

01:47:32.000 You and Dom Herrera should get together and decide who's the worst. 1.00

01:47:35.000 I say Dom fucking beats you hands down. 0.98

01:47:38.000 Oh, I can use Netflix and email and I can look at things and update my web pages and stuff. 0.99

01:47:45.000 That's all I can do.

01:47:46.000 But I was the worst for years and years and years. 0.99

01:47:48.000 And then I always used to look at kids With computers and think, look at these fucking pretentious cunt parents giving their kid an iPad when I didn't have an iPad, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:47:57.000 And now, I just gave my son, who's 16 months, I got a new iPad and I gave him my old one. 0.99

01:48:04.000 They love them.

01:48:04.000 They love them, but also it's like, you have to, the world is now computers, so the sooner he gets his hand on a computer and is fiddling with a computer, the better.

01:48:14.000 Well, it's also, there's connections that are made.

01:48:16.000 There's a bunch of games that kids can play on iPads that are actually good for your brain.

01:48:21.000 They're making connections.

01:48:23.000 They figure out how to do puzzles.

01:48:24.000 They figure out how to count things. 0.99

01:48:25.000 There's like a series of educational games that kids fucking love. 0.99

01:48:29.000 My three-year-old steals my phone every time I leave it down. 0.99

01:48:32.000 She'll open it and start going. 0.92

01:48:33.000 She knows how to open my phone. 1.00

01:48:34.000 She's fucking three. 1.00

01:48:35.000 She swipes it and enters in the code. 0.99

01:48:37.000 She knows what my code is.

01:48:39.000 Goes right to the app she wants and starts playing these games. 0.97

01:48:42.000 And a lot of them are fucking really... 0.99

01:48:43.000 They're really good for your little brain. 1.00

01:48:45.000 Well, my son's favorite game is a cat that repeats what he says.

01:48:51.000 Well, there's fun ones too.

01:48:53.000 My three-year-old likes to do one where she gives mani-pedis to dogs.

01:48:58.000 Yeah, there's a lot of dressing things up...

01:49:02.000 Like this one, my son just looks at it and goes, and the thing goes back at him and he laughs.

01:49:12.000 It's weird.

01:49:13.000 As a comedian and someone who has been terrible at sports their entire life, I see a lot of people with dads when they're like, look, he just threw the ball.

01:49:21.000 He just threw the ball.

01:49:23.000 I literally, with my son, go, he knows that's funny.

01:49:29.000 I was proud in the same way that a sporty dad who sees his son kick a goal, I was proud. 0.81

01:49:34.000 I saw my son, he lifted up one ass cheek, he farted, and then he laughed. 0.90

01:49:40.000 And I was like, he's developing. 0.96

01:49:42.000 He knows what's good.

01:49:43.000 He knows the good bits. 0.96

01:49:45.000 My three-year-old runs over, parts her butt cheeks, and farts in my face. 1.00

01:49:49.000 Right. 0.97

01:49:50.000 In my face. 1.00

01:49:51.000 Raw, naked ass, right out of the tub, runs over, bends over in front of me, and farts in my face, and then fucking cries laughing. 1.00

01:50:01.000 She thinks it's the funniest shit of all time. 1.00

01:50:03.000 It is. 0.99

01:50:03.000 It's pretty funny. 0.99

01:50:04.000 You get mad.

01:50:05.000 No, I think it's hilarious.

01:50:06.000 How could you get mad?

01:50:07.000 It's so cute.

01:50:08.000 I did something with my son that I think may be illegal, right?

01:50:11.000 You know, when you do something, you're like, oh, I might have committed a crime.

01:50:14.000 What'd you do?

01:50:14.000 Well, I'm in the shower, as I do every morning, and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower, because he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do, because he wakes up early and his mom takes care of him in the morning.

01:50:24.000 I'm having a shower and he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door.

01:50:28.000 And what I do is, because I'm an adorable guy, I always paint a little, like in the condensation, I draw a little tie on him or I give him a voice bubble and then say, I love dad or something.

01:50:40.000 I do this little game and he laughs.

01:50:42.000 Anyway, so I step out and I go, good morning, Hank. 1.00

01:50:46.000 And he slapped my cock and he ran off. 1.00

01:50:51.000 Why is that illegal? 1.00

01:50:52.000 Well, you're a child touching your cock, right? 1.00

01:50:54.000 Now, I know, like, I didn't ask him to touch my cock, but also, is it illegal because I laughed? 1.00

01:51:02.000 And then told you. 0.99

01:51:04.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:51:04.000 My kids point at my dick and laugh. 1.00

01:51:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:07.000 The three-year-old's like, look at your penis! 1.00

01:51:10.000 Ah! 1.00

01:51:11.000 She thinks it's hilarious and runs off. 1.00

01:51:13.000 They're right, though. 0.99

01:51:14.000 Penises are humorous. 0.99

01:51:16.000 Sure. 0.99

01:51:16.000 Vaginas are humorous, too. 0.99

01:51:18.000 Both of them. 0.99

01:51:19.000 My son now is at the stage where love's holding his cock. 0.99

01:51:23.000 Just holding it. 1.00

01:51:25.000 Of course.

01:51:25.000 Found out about it.

01:51:26.000 And he sort of pinches it at the end.

01:51:27.000 I don't know.

01:51:29.000 I haven't got a lot of baby cocks to reference it against. 1.00

01:51:32.000 I think my son has a small cock. 0.99

01:51:35.000 But it's... 0.99

01:51:35.000 I think it grows alright. 0.99

01:51:37.000 I think he has a nice erection. 0.99

01:51:38.000 But I don't... 0.99

01:51:39.000 I think he has a very...

01:51:40.000 He has erections at 16 months? 0.94

01:51:42.000 They have erections from day one! 0.77

01:51:43.000 Wow! 1.00

01:51:44.000 Like, sometimes you wake him up in the morning, you'll take his nappy off because he's got a shit in there, and it'll be a shit-covered erection. 1.00

01:51:51.000 Uh-oh, that's a weird connection. 1.00

01:51:53.000 And a good name for a band.

01:51:56.000 It's probably already taken.

01:51:57.000 It's probably a website.

01:51:59.000 But it's...

01:52:00.000 It is...

01:52:02.000 Yeah, he gets like a little tiny Woody, and I always think... 0.99

01:52:06.000 What is going on in his head where he is wanted or needed an erection? 0.98

01:52:10.000 What was the dream that he had last night? 0.99

01:52:11.000 I know the dreams that I'm having when I wake up with an erection. 0.84

01:52:14.000 What are the ones that are...

01:52:15.000 Like, is that, you know, that cat saying suggestive things off the iPad?

01:52:19.000 What is... 1.00

01:52:20.000 It's probably just blood in his dick. 1.00

01:52:22.000 It's probably just blood in his dick or it's longing for something that he, you know, I don't know. 1.00

01:52:28.000 You ever get boners when you're driving for no apparent reason? 1.00

01:52:31.000 You're not even horny?

01:52:31.000 I have, yes, I have.

01:52:33.000 Those are weird. 1.00

01:52:34.000 Those are like blood pools up in your dick boners. 1.00

01:52:37.000 Sometimes you go to have sex and you gotta fucking work it a bit to get it going. 1.00

01:52:40.000 And then like other times, you ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving because you've been stuck in traffic? 0.99

01:52:47.000 And then, I was alright with it in Britain, but too many people in this town drive SUVs.

01:52:51.000 Mm-hmm.

01:52:52.000 I drive a Challenger.

01:52:54.000 I'm lower down.

01:52:56.000 I get seen by a lot of people.

01:52:58.000 You've got to get tinted windows.

01:53:00.000 Or I could just stop wanking in my car. 0.99

01:53:02.000 Or just get one of those things that women use when they breastfeed in public and just jerk off under that. 1.00

01:53:07.000 Yeah, get a quilt. 0.98

01:53:09.000 I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection and then play porn on it because then I'll get with Subwoofer and everything surround sound porn in my car.

01:53:19.000 That's a good move.

01:53:20.000 So do you like hold it with one hand and steer with like the last three fingers?

01:53:24.000 I normally have to be in traffic so I'm not doing that much steering.

01:53:28.000 How often are you beating off in your car?

01:53:30.000 Since I've lived in LA the last five years, I know of three times this has happened.

01:53:35.000 I'm not going to do it like right now.

01:53:37.000 It's like a hobby.

01:53:38.000 This is like, I've just been somewhere, some girl's got me going, I'm in a bit of a frenzy, or I've just had a fight with my girlfriend, I'm in a bit of a bad mood, I need to cheer myself up.

01:53:52.000 I only beat off once in my car ever.

01:53:54.000 And it was when I was driving limos.

01:53:56.000 I was driving home from a gig.

01:53:58.000 I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire, drive way the fuck up to New Hampshire. 1.00

01:54:02.000 It was a long ride back, like an hour and a half back.

01:54:03.000 I got bored, so I beat off. 0.99

01:54:05.000 And I remember the fucking massive feeling of disappointment in myself that I jerked off because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt. 0.99

01:54:12.000 As soon as I came, I was like, God damn it, this is going to be a thing I do all the time now. 0.99

01:54:16.000 And I never did it again. 0.96

01:54:17.000 I was shocked.

01:54:18.000 Good for you.

01:54:18.000 Good for the restraint.

01:54:19.000 But it never came up.

01:54:21.000 I never wanted to do it again. 1.00

01:54:22.000 But I'm shocked because I figured I'm such a fucking idiot. 0.99

01:54:25.000 Once I do something embarrassing like that, I'm like, well, this is something I do now. 1.00

01:54:29.000 This is not going to be...

01:54:30.000 I'm not going to like... 1.00

01:54:31.000 I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling out, fuck me daddy, fuck me. 1.00

01:54:37.000 Right? 1.00

01:54:38.000 And I kind of went, hey, what are you calling me like this for?

01:54:42.000 And then I slightly enjoyed her saying it and I went, don't!

01:54:45.000 I don't need that to be a thing!

01:54:47.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:54:49.000 Don't make that a thing for me because then I'm fucked up and I've got to ask other people to do it and then we're in a real fucking predicament. 0.99

01:54:56.000 When I was in Boston, I used to bang this really crazy Portuguese chick. 1.00

01:55:00.000 She used to call her pussy a cunt. 1.00

01:55:02.000 It was the first girl I'd ever heard say that. 1.00

01:55:05.000 She was like, fuck that cunt. 1.00

01:55:06.000 Fuck that cunt. 1.00

01:55:06.000 She was like angry about it. 1.00

01:55:08.000 I was like, I hope I don't start liking this.

01:55:10.000 That's gonna be hard to get someone else to agree to.

01:55:13.000 A lot of gals. 1.00

01:55:15.000 Yeah, it's hard when you've got a thing.

01:55:18.000 And you've got to ask your girl to do that thing. 0.99

01:55:20.000 I, for a while there, I loved choking girls while I was fucking them for a while. 1.00

01:55:24.000 I'm not as choky as I used to be. 0.99

01:55:27.000 But I used to be very fucking hand around the neck, pin you down while I was fucking you, right? 1.00

01:55:33.000 And some girls, and because I was dating a girl who got off and doing that, right? 0.99

01:55:36.000 And that's what got me into it, was this is how I made this.

01:55:40.000 Then you meet the girls who don't want you to do that.

01:55:42.000 But then I met one girl who I was choking her, and then, you know, I'm not choking the whole time, right?

01:55:48.000 And then I've stopped, and she's sort of thought, oh, this is what we're doing.

01:55:52.000 She starts choking me, and I'm like, don't do that.

01:55:54.000 That feels horrible.

01:55:55.000 Yeah.

01:55:58.000 I don't know how bad it feels for you women, but it really hurts my male neck. 1.00

01:56:01.000 The choking thing is weird. 0.94

01:56:04.000 It's just like one of those other things where some people love it and some people hate it, and you never fucking know until it comes up.

01:56:10.000 You know, you could date a girl and have no idea she likes to be choked. 0.95

01:56:13.000 Like, the first girl that I ever dated that liked to be choked was so girly.

01:56:17.000 Yeah.

01:56:17.000 She was, like, so, like, you would never...

01:56:19.000 She wasn't loud. 0.99

01:56:21.000 She always wore dresses.

01:56:23.000 She wasn't, like... 0.99

01:56:25.000 Boisterous or provocative or slutty. 0.95

01:56:28.000 She's a regular girl. 1.00

01:56:30.000 And she fucking loved it. 1.00

01:56:31.000 She asked me to choke her. 1.00

01:56:32.000 And I was like, what do you mean choke you? 0.70

01:56:34.000 How do you mean choke you? 1.00

01:56:35.000 She goes, just grab my neck while you're fucking me. 1.00

01:56:37.000 I'm like, okay. 1.00

01:56:39.000 Hard?

01:56:39.000 You want me to hurt you?

01:56:40.000 What's going on here?

01:56:42.000 And then if you thought about doing it to another girl, they would freak out.

01:56:46.000 It's weird what one person, what's their big turn on.

01:56:50.000 And another person is like...

01:56:51.000 It's sometimes bad when you bring the choke into a girl who doesn't want it.

01:56:55.000 It's always bad!

01:56:57.000 You're like, ah!

01:56:58.000 I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency, and every time she would want me to choke her, the next day she would just have these horrible bruises around her neck, and she just would have to wear turtlenecks and stuff. 1.00

01:57:08.000 But it looked like if I ever got in trouble, oh, I'm fucked. 0.98

01:57:12.000 Some girls do bruise up. 1.00

01:57:13.000 I just got diagnosed as an anemic.

01:57:16.000 Really?

01:57:16.000 Yeah, which isn't pleasant.

01:57:18.000 Do you eat a lot of red meat?

01:57:19.000 I do, yeah.

01:57:21.000 Do you ever take iron supplements?

01:57:22.000 I'm going to start on iron supplements.

01:57:25.000 I've never taken them before.

01:57:26.000 Well, I think I got diagnosed like three days ago.

01:57:28.000 I'm actually going to the doctor again in 30 minutes for the second check on this.

01:57:31.000 You know, you still smoke cigarettes.

01:57:33.000 That probably has a factor in it too.

01:57:34.000 Yeah, no doubt.

01:57:36.000 Yeah, cigarettes, I think that's one of the things.

01:57:39.000 What is anemic?

01:57:41.000 It's low hemoglobin in your blood.

01:57:45.000 They did a blood test.

01:57:46.000 It's the hemoglobin, globin, glebin?

01:57:49.000 Yeah, hemoglobin.

01:57:50.000 Hemoglobin.

01:57:50.000 Oxygen.

01:57:52.000 Yeah, I'm not hugely anemic, but I'm a little bit anemic.

01:57:59.000 There's a PubMed study on it, the effects of cigarette smoking on hemoglobin levels and anemia screening.

01:58:08.000 It seems to cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve, which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia.

01:58:19.000 So your body doesn't detect anemia, so it doesn't compensate as much.

01:58:23.000 Also, I'm a super pale guy, and that's when you see super pale people, it's often they're anemic.

01:58:33.000 I think I'm anemic. 1.00

01:58:34.000 Yeah, it's probably fucking cigarettes, man. 1.00

01:58:36.000 No, but it's not just that. 1.00

01:58:38.000 I was just born...

01:58:39.000 I'm pale from a pale family.

01:58:42.000 We're just pale. 0.99

01:58:43.000 One of the things I hate about being pale is it seems like one of the few things in society about a way a human being looks that people in society can just pass fucking judgment and not act like they're being cunts. 0.99

01:58:58.000 Yeah, they can make fun of you. 0.99

01:58:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:00.000 If you see someone with a big nose and you go, fuck, you got a big nose, people go, whoa! 1.00

01:59:05.000 Ease up, will ya? 1.00

01:59:07.000 But you go, I'll have people who are actors on my fucking show, who I'm employing, who want to be in more fucking episodes, go, fuck your pile, man! 1.00

01:59:16.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:59:17.000 Do you get offended by that for real? 1.00

01:59:19.000 Or you just find a reason to say fuck you? 1.00

01:59:21.000 No, I do get offended by it in the sense that it doesn't bother me personally that I'm pale. 1.00

01:59:26.000 It bothers me when people bring it up.

01:59:27.000 I don't mind looking pale. 0.97

01:59:29.000 I even dislike, I did a photo shoot once for some headshots and the lady fucking put bronzer all over me and that whole photo shoot's ruined because I look too brown and it doesn't suit me. 0.99

01:59:37.000 You can't let them fuck with you with the makeup. 0.99

01:59:40.000 What is that? 1.00

01:59:41.000 Tanning?

01:59:42.000 Is that you?

01:59:44.000 You took a selfie in a tanning booth? 0.99

01:59:46.000 I did the gayest selfie ever, look. 0.91

01:59:48.000 It's not the gayest. 1.00

01:59:49.000 You don't have a cock in your mouth or your ass. 1.00

01:59:50.000 No, it's in my hand. 1.00

01:59:53.000 I tried my whole life to sunbake and to tan and to get darker all through high school when it did affect me when I did not like the way I looked.

02:00:03.000 I wasn't at ease with the way I looked.

02:00:05.000 Oh, I see.

02:00:06.000 So there's a residual thing when someone's making fun of you saying you're pale.

02:00:10.000 It used to be a thing.

02:00:10.000 They used to call me Casper at school and stuff like that.

02:00:13.000 You can't do that about black people. 1.00

02:00:15.000 God damn, you're dark. 1.00

02:00:17.000 You have to know a guy really well to pull that off. 1.00

02:00:19.000 I have a theory that the whole world wants to be like a coffee color.

02:00:22.000 Right?

02:00:23.000 Because all us white people are trying to get darker, and then the really black people now, it's very common for them to bleach their skin. 0.99

02:00:29.000 They bleach it down a bit. 0.89

02:00:30.000 They don't want to be super black. 1.00

02:00:32.000 Is it really?

02:00:33.000 Yeah, there was a thing.

02:00:33.000 I was watching it on some tonight show.

02:00:36.000 This lady kept on bleaching her kids because she didn't want them to be super, super black. 1.00

02:00:40.000 They want to all be Beyonce. 0.71

02:00:42.000 Brown.

02:00:43.000 Beyonce Brown, I think is the term.

02:00:46.000 That's the type of paint that you get down at Home Depot.

02:00:49.000 I want some Beyonce Brown.

02:00:52.000 They want to be Beyonce, sort of that Whitney Houston sort of color, and white people want to be darker.

02:00:56.000 We all want to meet in this one sort of middle range.

02:01:00.000 Yeah, there's a nutritional supplement that allows people to bleach their skin.

02:01:05.000 It's something that's been really popular in the Philippines.

02:01:10.000 Um... 0.99

02:01:11.000 Fuck is the stuff called... 1.00

02:01:13.000 There's a... 1.00

02:01:14.000 There's...

02:01:15.000 There's an actual, like, nutritional supplement that people take.

02:01:19.000 And they inject it, apparently.

02:01:21.000 And it's getting popular in the Philippines for some strange reason.

02:01:24.000 Well, you even look like the movie stars are always sort of like a more milky black.

02:01:28.000 And then when you have, like, a girl who is that girl out of Africa.

02:01:32.000 I think she's out of Africa. 0.98

02:01:33.000 I think she's British or something.

02:01:34.000 Out of 12 Years a Slave.

02:01:36.000 I didn't see that.

02:01:37.000 She got nominated for the Oscar and all that type of stuff.

02:01:39.000 Oh, it's great, yeah.

02:01:40.000 And she was amazing in it.

02:01:42.000 But now they were talking about, like...

02:01:47.000 It's liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like, you know, like she had afro-y type of hair, like shaved down.

02:01:55.000 She wasn't trying to look like a white chick or something, you know what I mean? 1.00

02:01:59.000 Right.

02:01:59.000 The fashion people were going, we really like this now.

02:02:03.000 I think we're only maybe...

02:02:06.000 See, if I was black, I don't understand women who do the hair. 1.00

02:02:09.000 If I was black, I would be afro all day. 0.87

02:02:11.000 I would be like Jackson 5. It's hot. 0.55

02:02:13.000 I know. 1.00

02:02:14.000 Whenever you see a chick with that hairdo, it's always like, fucking, look at that foxy chick. 1.00

02:02:18.000 It's always a big turn on for me. 0.99

02:02:20.000 I love a chick with an afro. 1.00

02:02:21.000 It was big in the 70s.

02:02:23.000 Girls just down there. 1.00

02:02:23.000 Foxy Brown had it, right? 1.00

02:02:25.000 Yeah, when you see the chick who's like, I'm a member of the Black Panthers, and they've got the big fucking afro, you're like, fucking take me down! 1.00

02:02:33.000 Beat the white man! 1.00

02:02:34.000 Choke me! 1.00

02:02:36.000 Glutathione is it.

02:02:37.000 I couldn't remember it. 0.99

02:02:39.000 Glutathione, they take injections of this shit, or they rub it on their skin. 1.00

02:02:43.000 I don't know what the fuck they're doing. 1.00

02:02:46.000 Maybe both. 0.97

02:02:47.000 But glutathione apparently makes your skin lighten.

02:02:51.000 That's it.

02:02:51.000 That's how you want it.

02:02:52.000 Look at that afro there. 1.00

02:02:54.000 But the problem is that's on her asshole too. 1.00

02:02:56.000 Yeah, she'd have a big hairy muff. 1.00

02:02:58.000 The whole thing between the legs. 1.00

02:03:00.000 A hairy cunt is the worst thing in the world. 1.00

02:03:03.000 It didn't used to be. 1.00

02:03:04.000 It didn't used to be a problem at all.

02:03:06.000 Remember? 0.77

02:03:06.000 Yeah, but there was a girl I fucked in Ireland who was one of the best looking girls I ever fucking laid eyes on and she was at a gig. 0.77

02:03:13.000 And I was like single and young in my 20s and I made like, I'm going to get that girl, right? 0.94

02:03:19.000 And I was gigging in Ireland for three days and I romanced this girl from the moment I met her.

02:03:23.000 I took her out to lunch the next day and then dinner and then thing and took her to another show, invited her to friends.

02:03:27.000 I worked her, right? 1.00

02:03:29.000 And it's very hard to fuck an Irish chick. 1.00

02:03:31.000 And this chick was about 19. It's hard to fuck an Irish chick? 1.00

02:03:34.000 Yeah, they've all gone to Catholic schools. 1.00

02:03:36.000 They all have this cloud of sex is evil over them.

02:03:39.000 They didn't have Playboy until the mid-1990s.

02:03:44.000 Right?

02:03:44.000 It's a pretty repressed old sexual society, the island.

02:03:49.000 Anyway, so I fucking got this girl. 0.99

02:03:52.000 She's a little bit like, she wasn't up for it, but I convinced her and said, I'm going to come over to London and hang out with me. 0.96

02:03:57.000 And I was like, this is like my girlfriend now.

02:04:00.000 And then, what was this, like 2004? 0.99

02:04:03.000 And like a fucking, a full length wild bush. 0.98

02:04:08.000 And I had grown up in this era of not really seeing it. 0.99

02:04:11.000 I was just...

02:04:12.000 I almost couldn't... 1.00

02:04:14.000 I did fuck it, but I almost couldn't. 1.00

02:04:16.000 It was so horrific. 1.00

02:04:17.000 I still have flashbacks of it.

02:04:18.000 Right now, as I'm saying it, I can see it.

02:04:20.000 It was menacing.

02:04:21.000 Here's the total, complete opposite.

02:04:23.000 When I was in high school, I was dating this girl.

02:04:25.000 Dating, like, you know, we'd date, we'd go on and off, and, you know, didn't, you know... 1.00

02:04:30.000 In the on and off, she was banging this other guy who told her to shave her pussy. 1.00

02:04:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:35.000 So... 1.00

02:04:36.000 She came over to my house, and we were about to get in.

02:04:38.000 She's like, I can't.

02:04:39.000 I can't take my pants off.

02:04:40.000 And I go, why? 1.00

02:04:41.000 She goes, you're going to think I'm a whore. 1.00

02:04:43.000 And I go, why? 1.00

02:04:43.000 Why am I going to think you're a whore? 1.00

02:04:45.000 She goes, because... 1.00

02:04:46.000 Whatever the guy's name is. 1.00

02:04:49.000 He talked to me and he shaved my pussy. 1.00

02:04:50.000 And I'm so embarrassed. 1.00

02:04:52.000 I'm like, I don't give a fuck. 0.97

02:04:53.000 Like, what do I care? 0.98

02:04:55.000 You know?

02:04:56.000 You saw it and freaked out?

02:04:57.000 Well, I didn't care.

02:04:58.000 No, not at all. 1.00

02:04:59.000 But she was scared that I was going to see her with a shaved pussy. 1.00

02:05:04.000 The complete opposite. 1.00

02:05:07.000 It's the only way to go.

02:05:08.000 But this is like, you know, 1980, whatever the hell it was. 1.00

02:05:11.000 I find it weird when there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you and like, why would men want to have sex with like a shaved pussy? 1.00

02:05:20.000 Like, it must be like having sex with like a child. 1.00

02:05:24.000 And you're like, that is the weakest argument you could fucking, then why, then you should only kiss men with beards. 1.00

02:05:31.000 If you kiss a man who shaved his face, what are you, kissing a young boy on the street, you fucking pedophile? 1.00

02:05:37.000 Exactly. 1.00

02:05:37.000 Go out with a fucking Muslim cunt with a beard, where are you happiest? 1.00

02:05:41.000 Right? 1.00

02:05:42.000 It's actually, did you know that pedarast is someone who actually has sex with children? 0.99

02:05:47.000 On a raft. 0.99

02:05:48.000 Pedophile. 0.99

02:05:49.000 Pedarast. 0.97

02:05:51.000 Pedaraft. 0.99

02:05:52.000 That's a good spot for a pedophile. 0.98

02:05:54.000 Pedophile is someone who's attracted. 1.00

02:05:56.000 Pedarast is someone who has sex with them. 0.87

02:05:58.000 But not attracted? 0.94

02:06:00.000 Yeah, they just do it because it's fun.

02:06:05.000 That's a very good analogy, though.

02:06:08.000 The beard analogy and the bush analogy.

02:06:11.000 Some people just don't want to do anything that is society standard.

02:06:16.000 A woman doesn't want to have to agree. 1.00

02:06:18.000 Why should I shave my pussy? 1.00

02:06:20.000 Why should I have to? 1.00

02:06:21.000 Some women are like that. 1.00

02:06:22.000 What, because it's in porn?

02:06:24.000 Is that what it is?

02:06:25.000 Because that's what it is.

02:06:27.000 It's porn as one.

02:06:29.000 It might be because it's in porn, but it's also because once a man's used one of those shaven ones, it's a lot more enjoyable than the coarseness of the... 1.00

02:06:37.000 I remember fucking hairy pussies and having my cock all beaten up afterwards like it's been fucking ripped through a Brillo pad. 1.00

02:06:44.000 The last one I had. 1.00

02:06:46.000 Which is way back in the 90s.

02:06:49.000 The last girl with a crazy wild bush. 1.00

02:06:51.000 It's like my dick got all rubbed raw. 1.00

02:06:53.000 It was horrible. 1.00

02:06:54.000 It was like fucking a Brillo pad. 1.00

02:06:55.000 It shouldn't be... 1.00

02:06:57.000 It shouldn't be a fucking... 0.99

02:06:59.000 Like... 0.99

02:07:01.000 Darwin, I'm sure he could explain it, why we have hairy nuts and balls and stuff, but pubic hair should die out. 1.00

02:07:07.000 They reckon crabs is dying out because of the shaven pussy, that it's on the decline because it can't be passed so easily. 0.99

02:07:12.000 But, you know, it's on the rise in hipster beards. 0.98

02:07:16.000 Crabs, that's where they live now. 1.00

02:07:18.000 They just jump from one Pabst Blue Ribbon can to the next.

02:07:20.000 Is this true?

02:07:21.000 No.

02:07:21.000 That would be cool, though.

02:07:22.000 Jesus Christ.

02:07:25.000 I hate how hipsters now call themselves nerds.

02:07:28.000 They do?

02:07:29.000 Yeah, well, it's like even like...

02:07:31.000 Okay, so I'm doing...

02:07:32.000 I'm doing the Nerdist podcast soon.

02:07:34.000 I like those guys.

02:07:35.000 Chris Hardwick's a nice bloke.

02:07:36.000 He's a nice guy.

02:07:37.000 Not a nerd!

02:07:38.000 No, he's a handsome guy with a very good structure.

02:07:41.000 Handsome guy with like a model girlfriend.

02:07:44.000 No, no, no, no. 1.00

02:07:45.000 Being interested in Star Wars does not make you a fucking nerd. 0.99

02:07:51.000 Having hobbies... 0.99

02:07:54.000 Isn't what a nerd is.

02:07:55.000 Yeah.

02:07:55.000 With your symmetrical face.

02:07:57.000 Yeah.

02:07:57.000 You know what a nerd is?

02:07:58.000 A nerd is a person who can't hold down a conversation and can't look a woman in the eye. 1.00

02:08:03.000 That's a fucking nerd, man. 1.00

02:08:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:08:06.000 You're just...

02:08:07.000 Napoleon Dynamite. 0.97

02:08:09.000 Napoleon Dynamite is a nerd.

02:08:10.000 Even the guys off the Big Bang Theory, they're real nerds.

02:08:13.000 But there's now this like girls going... 1.00

02:08:16.000 Girls wearing t-shirts going, I heart nerds. 0.99

02:08:18.000 Really?

02:08:19.000 Really? 1.00

02:08:19.000 A guy with a fucking club foot and... 1.00

02:08:22.000 And flaky skin around his face. 1.00

02:08:24.000 Is this who you heart?

02:08:25.000 Is it?

02:08:26.000 Guy with food stuck in his braces.

02:08:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:29.000 Perpetually.

02:08:29.000 Yeah, who is a little bit autistic and that's why he's good at school but not at everything else.

02:08:34.000 Yeah, you like that.

02:08:35.000 Yeah, that's what you like.

02:08:36.000 How dare you. 1.00

02:08:37.000 No, you like wearing a fucking backpack that looks like Elmo. 1.00

02:08:43.000 That's what you enjoy, darling. 0.99

02:08:45.000 You like Hello Kitty stickers on your iPhone.

02:08:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:47.000 You like nerds.

02:08:48.000 Yeah, and then you'll see a girl that will be like, I'm a nerd, and she's wearing perfect pigtails and glasses. 1.00

02:08:54.000 And giant fake tits. 1.00

02:08:55.000 Yeah, and I'm like, you're a fucking, a fuck machine. 1.00

02:08:58.000 That's what you are. 1.00

02:09:01.000 You're a cum depository. 1.00

02:09:02.000 That's hardly a nerd. 1.00

02:09:03.000 I remember not wanting to fuck nerds because they were nerds. 0.99

02:09:06.000 Why all of a sudden has the nerd culture become so fuckable? 1.00

02:09:09.000 Well, I think people are just always trying to be a part of a fucking group, whether it's be hipsters, be nerds, be whatever. 0.99

02:09:16.000 I was a loner in school. 0.97

02:09:17.000 I didn't have many friends, but I wouldn't classify myself as a nerd.

02:09:19.000 How come you didn't have friends? 0.95

02:09:22.000 I had problems making friends, and the main problem I have now, when I look back on it, I wasn't good at sport, a bit of a dick as well. 0.97

02:09:32.000 No way. 0.95

02:09:33.000 Yeah, a little bit. 0.99

02:09:34.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:09:35.000 Probably talked a little bit too much when I should have shut up. 0.99

02:09:39.000 It may have been irritating, but I think my main problem was...

02:09:43.000 Because I found it very easy to make friends after school.

02:09:46.000 Once I got out of school, I found it very easy to make friends.

02:09:48.000 In university, I made friends very easily.

02:09:50.000 My mother was a school teacher at my school. 1.00

02:09:53.000 Oh, fucking Christ. 0.99

02:09:56.000 Not just any school teacher, the 300 pound school teacher that yelled at everybody that walked around with a cane. 1.00

02:10:01.000 Oh, so you got it at school and at home.

02:10:03.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:10:04.000 Oh my God, school must have been fucking torture. 0.99

02:10:06.000 School was not a fun time for me. 0.99

02:10:08.000 Oh my God. 0.98

02:10:09.000 But I remember when I went to university, like actually enjoying this whole, wow, we're all this fucking, yeah, and like girls liking me and shit. 0.99

02:10:15.000 I'm like, ah, this is what it's like when your mother isn't within five feet of you all the time. 0.99

02:10:20.000 Oh yeah, that's a big difference though.

02:10:22.000 That's a terrible situation.

02:10:24.000 Terrible. 1.00

02:10:24.000 You got your mother who's telling your older brother to kick your fucking ass and then you get to school and she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the cunty teacher that yells at everybody. 1.00

02:10:35.000 Yeah, so none of your friends... 1.00

02:10:36.000 I had a couple of friends at school but they never wanted to come over to the house.

02:10:40.000 You know what I mean?

02:10:41.000 Of course not.

02:10:42.000 It was a very hard sell.

02:10:45.000 Why don't you come over to my house?

02:10:47.000 Nah, let's not.

02:10:49.000 Let's just go to the woods.

02:10:52.000 Let's go hang out with the wallabies.

02:10:54.000 Let's go hang out in the bush.

02:10:55.000 Do you have a foot fetish?

02:10:57.000 Do I have a foot fetish?

02:10:58.000 Yeah.

02:10:59.000 No.

02:10:59.000 I just wonder if you had any mom type sexual...

02:11:03.000 Mom's not a foot fetish. 0.74

02:11:04.000 A lot of foot fetish people have mom things. 1.00

02:11:06.000 Did you research this?

02:11:08.000 Yeah, because as a young kid you always see your mom's feet.

02:11:11.000 Yeah, but I disliked my mother. 0.99

02:11:18.000 She's alright now.

02:11:23.000 I like my mother more now that I've had a child because she has proven herself to be a good grandmother. 0.99

02:11:32.000 But she was fucking hard work, man. 0.98

02:11:34.000 I used to say to her, I said, why did you make me go to the same school that you were teaching at? 0.99

02:11:39.000 It was the most nearby school.

02:11:40.000 And she goes, well, I was there first. 1.00

02:11:42.000 I'm like, are you competing with your fucking kids? 1.00

02:11:44.000 Go teach at the school over the road. 1.00

02:11:46.000 There was an all-girls school just down the street.

02:11:48.000 I don't care if you teach at school within half a mile of where I am.

02:11:52.000 Well, I was there first.

02:11:53.000 Yeah, I was there first, but she just liked to keep an eye on us constantly.

02:11:58.000 She's a very dominating childhood.

02:12:01.000 Look, look how you turned out.

02:12:02.000 You flung the other way.

02:12:04.000 Yeah!

02:12:04.000 That's how it works.

02:12:05.000 Yeah! 0.97

02:12:05.000 I mean, what we were talking about, about you having a hard time shutting up in school and being a bit of a dick, all those things are perfect for being a comedian. 0.97

02:12:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:12.000 The comedian, a bit of a dick, and talks a little too much, that's the guy who's going to say the funny shit first. 1.00

02:12:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:17.000 Right? 1.00

02:12:18.000 You know what's weird now is I go back to Sydney and all the guys I went to school with who I, they probably didn't think they were bullying me, but who I felt bullied by for whatever reason, they all come as a group to my shows.

02:12:33.000 And they're like, come and meet me backstage, and they say I'm happy.

02:12:36.000 I hold no grudge.

02:12:38.000 They're good guys, you know what I mean?

02:12:39.000 But they weren't my mates at school.

02:12:41.000 I don't remember them.

02:12:42.000 I think kids bully at school for the same reason.

02:12:45.000 Survival. 0.96

02:12:46.000 Yeah, well, it's a natural instinct, and they get shitty parenting. 0.96

02:12:50.000 I think that's a lot of where it comes from.

02:12:52.000 Yeah.

02:12:52.000 They get bullied at home.

02:12:54.000 It becomes a natural part of how you behave.

02:12:55.000 You get bullied by your brothers.

02:12:57.000 You get bullied by your dad.

02:12:58.000 You get bullied by your uncles. 1.00

02:12:59.000 And then the first opportunity you get to shit on somebody, you do. 0.99

02:13:03.000 A lot of it is kids that grow up associating other people with competition and abuse. 0.99

02:13:08.000 They just associate it in a negative way. 1.00

02:13:12.000 The bit I found hardest about the whole thing was, fuck the guys. 1.00

02:13:17.000 I just want chicks to like me. 1.00

02:13:19.000 Well, that's why you got into comedy, right?

02:13:21.000 Yeah, well, I got into comedy, but also, I actually did pretty good with girls in high school. 0.99

02:13:25.000 I look back on it now, photos of me, 16, 17, I was a good-looking kid.

02:13:29.000 I didn't think it at the time, but I look back on it like I wasn't bad-looking at that age. 0.90

02:13:33.000 I did good in high school, but then after high school, I went through a fucking terrible drought that didn't go away until I became a comic. 0.95

02:13:42.000 Oh no, I did. 0.95

02:13:43.000 My best years were high school and university.

02:13:46.000 Really?

02:13:46.000 But I was getting attracted.

02:13:50.000 I did never go at my school.

02:13:51.000 It was always...

02:13:52.000 I had to go see other schools, find out where their parties were happening to get laid.

02:13:57.000 Oh, so girls that knew you was a problem. 1.00

02:13:59.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:14:01.000 If you'd spent more than 10 minutes with me, you weren't fucking with me. 1.00

02:14:05.000 But if I could meet you at a party where the music was too loud that I couldn't bore you with conversation, there was a good chance I'd have sex with you. 0.99

02:14:13.000 I didn't get laid at all in college.

02:14:15.000 And the reason being is I took a year off after high school and then went to UMass Boston, which was like a commuting high school.

02:14:22.000 It was not a high school where you...

02:14:23.000 Or not a college, rather.

02:14:25.000 Commuting college.

02:14:26.000 It wasn't a college where you would go and stay there.

02:14:29.000 You would live somewhere else, you know?

02:14:31.000 And then you would go and take your classes there.

02:14:33.000 So everybody was like working and... 0.98

02:14:35.000 I was a loser.

02:14:36.000 I didn't have anything going on. 0.96

02:14:38.000 I was a martial arts champion, but I was poor and I was teaching martial arts and I was trying. 0.99

02:14:43.000 The only reason why I was going to school at all was so that people didn't think I was an idiot. 0.98

02:14:48.000 I studied musical theatre. 0.99

02:14:50.000 Did you?

02:14:51.000 Yeah.

02:14:51.000 So you got to bang actresses.

02:14:53.000 It was the best.

02:14:54.000 It was...

02:14:55.000 They only took 20 kids a year into the course.

02:14:59.000 3,000 people auditioned.

02:15:01.000 Whoa.

02:15:02.000 Right?

02:15:02.000 It was like a very prestigious thing.

02:15:03.000 It was the same course that Hugh Jackman did.

02:15:05.000 Oh.

02:15:06.000 And there was an acting, I couldn't act good enough, so I could sing a bit, so I got in the musical theatre thing.

02:15:12.000 You sing?

02:15:13.000 I could, back in the day.

02:15:14.000 Do you sing now?

02:15:15.000 No.

02:15:16.000 Do you think about putting out a soundtrack to legit?

02:15:19.000 I'll tell you something about me you might not know.

02:15:22.000 There's a little fact about me.

02:15:23.000 I sang twice in the Australian Opera, in the chorus.

02:15:27.000 Really?

02:15:27.000 As an employed opera singer, yeah.

02:15:29.000 Wow.

02:15:30.000 Wow.

02:15:31.000 Give us a little taste.

02:15:33.000 I've had vocal nodules.

02:15:35.000 I've had surgery on my voice.

02:15:36.000 I can't.

02:15:37.000 It's over.

02:15:38.000 I'm not making up, though.

02:15:39.000 I sang in Charles Guno's Romeo and Juliet and Wagner's The Flying Dutchman as chorus.

02:15:44.000 What are vocal nodules?

02:15:47.000 Polyps on your vocal cords, basically calluses from smoking, coke, yelling. 0.70

02:15:53.000 It's mostly from yelling, from them bashing together.

02:15:55.000 They get calluses, so you can't actually get your vocal cords close enough together to make high sounds, because there's always a gap in them from these little things.

02:16:02.000 So it makes you a man.

02:16:03.000 It's like noodles. 1.00

02:16:04.000 Makes you a fucking man, is what it is. 1.00

02:16:06.000 Yeah, well, I guess. 1.00

02:16:07.000 Is that a chorus?

02:16:09.000 That's where John Wayne's voice came from.

02:16:11.000 Exactly.

02:16:12.000 It's like these gristled comedians who have yelled on stage all the time.

02:16:15.000 It's because they're just covered.

02:16:17.000 You know what else is bad with it?

02:16:19.000 Ron White.

02:16:19.000 Bobby Slayton is polyped up.

02:16:22.000 I'm telling you, that guy's vocal cords are just...

02:16:26.000 Just nodule on nodule, I'm telling you.

02:16:28.000 He might have had vocal surgery.

02:16:30.000 I might be wrong.

02:16:32.000 But I've heard of comedians that have had that before.

02:16:34.000 I had this before I was a comedian to try to save the singing career.

02:16:40.000 So you had surgery on the polyps?

02:16:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:16:42.000 So they shaved down the calluses?

02:16:44.000 Yeah, couldn't talk for two months.

02:16:46.000 Oh my god, two months. 1.00

02:16:48.000 Yeah, just riding on a fucking pad. 0.99

02:16:50.000 And that was when I thought, this job, I'm going to get these back because I party too much. 0.99

02:16:56.000 And then I thought, I've got no other skills. 0.99

02:16:58.000 I've got no other skills in the fucking world. 0.98

02:17:01.000 And I decided, I always wanted to be a comedian, but it was a job that my parents would never let me do. 0.98

02:17:06.000 They wouldn't let you do?

02:17:08.000 They said it wasn't.

02:17:08.000 My parents were happy with the musical theater because they saw my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more la-di-da than the whole thing.

02:17:14.000 But I decided I was going to be a comedian in that two months where I couldn't talk.

02:17:18.000 Wow.

02:17:20.000 And it was like a secret that I had to myself. 0.98

02:17:22.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.93

02:17:23.000 And I was checking out where the open mics were and how I was meant to do this. 0.98

02:17:29.000 I started watching a lot of stand-up videos and that's what I did, living by myself, not talking for a couple of months. 0.96

02:17:36.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.57

02:17:38.000 And what was I talking about before? 0.98

02:17:42.000 Oh, the great thing about the course though, so 10 boys, 10 girls.

02:17:48.000 And there was two years above us.

02:17:51.000 So there's three years.

02:17:52.000 So there was like 90 people in the whole sort of department.

02:17:57.000 Half, 80% of the men were gay.

02:18:01.000 Right?

02:18:01.000 In the course that studied musical theatre.

02:18:03.000 So we had eight gay guys and two heterosexuals. 1.00

02:18:07.000 All the women were fucking hot as fuck. 1.00

02:18:11.000 Ha! 1.00

02:18:12.000 We've been dancing since they were a kid and just singing and fucking... 0.99

02:18:16.000 And we were all like 20. It was the best thing ever. 0.98

02:18:22.000 He was a reasonable looking fucking heterosexual guy. 0.99

02:18:25.000 It was fantastic. 0.99

02:18:28.000 Now, one of the main girls... 1.00

02:18:31.000 In the course was a girl called Chantelle Barry and Chantelle was the one that we were all like, she's going to be a star.

02:18:40.000 She was stunning.

02:18:41.000 You can look her up on the net. 0.99

02:18:42.000 She was fucking stunning. 0.99

02:18:44.000 She could sing better than everyone else. 0.99

02:18:46.000 She had everything, this girl, right?

02:18:49.000 And then they brought out the first version of Pop Idol or American Idol or whatever.

02:18:56.000 It was done in Australia first.

02:18:58.000 It was called Making the Band or whatever.

02:19:00.000 Really?

02:19:01.000 The show was actually originated in New Zealand, but then in Australia.

02:19:04.000 They made this girl band called Bardo, where all the people came in and auditioned to be in this girl band.

02:19:09.000 And the girl that was at university, she went to this audition for this TV show.

02:19:13.000 She got in the band, but they played it over weeks and weeks and weeks.

02:19:16.000 They had cameras in the house.

02:19:16.000 It was the first reality, big reality show ever where we were watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there's no actors.

02:19:26.000 This is real.

02:19:27.000 It was like a very...

02:19:28.000 There she is there.

02:19:29.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:19:30.000 Anyway, so I used to stand behind her stretching in dance class and just fucking just... 1.00

02:19:36.000 All I wanted was to have sex with this young lady. 1.00

02:19:38.000 Never happened, right? 1.00

02:19:40.000 So anyway, so she gets in this band and she steals... 1.00

02:19:45.000 The story goes she steals, I don't know, $10 or $20 out of one of the other girls who were in the band's bag. 0.99

02:19:51.000 And she gets caught because there's fucking cameras everywhere. 0.98

02:19:54.000 So she's got this big opportunity. 0.99

02:19:55.000 Everyone else who was in this band has gone on to big things.

02:19:58.000 Like Sophie Monk, who's the model out here, dated Ryan Seacrest for a while. 0.74

02:20:01.000 She was one of the other girls in the band and now does big modeling and is in movies and shit, right? 0.99

02:20:07.000 So Chantel gets kicked out of the fucking band. 1.00

02:20:10.000 Right? 1.00

02:20:11.000 Over.

02:20:12.000 Right?

02:20:12.000 So she moves over.

02:20:13.000 She's bad press in Australia. 0.96

02:20:15.000 They're all really slagging her off and all that type of stuff.

02:20:17.000 She was sort of our friend and she moved over to LA. And I remember looking at her MySpace page like, wow, she's made in LA. She was back up singing for Lionel Richie or something.

02:20:27.000 Right?

02:20:27.000 Like, everything worked out for her.

02:20:30.000 Right?

02:20:31.000 Cut to first season of Legit.

02:20:33.000 We need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl number two. 1.00

02:20:39.000 Right? 0.99

02:20:40.000 She comes into the audition and I went, fuck it up, Chantal Barry. 1.00

02:20:43.000 She didn't recognize me or remember me at all. 0.98

02:20:46.000 And I said, oh, where's your accent from?

02:20:48.000 And then I started saying the suburb she was from.

02:20:50.000 From about this and you have two older sisters?

02:20:52.000 Yeah, you look like someone who has two older sisters.

02:20:54.000 Because I used to party at her house. 1.00

02:20:55.000 And I go, you got a butterfly tattoo just above your ass? 1.00

02:20:59.000 And she goes, yeah. 0.99

02:21:01.000 And I went, we went to university together.

02:21:04.000 Right?

02:21:05.000 And then she went, oh, did we?

02:21:06.000 And then I went, alright, give her the part.

02:21:09.000 Right?

02:21:09.000 Because I'm a good guy.

02:21:11.000 The part had like one line and then she came on set and I think in that moment, this is how much of an arsehole I must be, she remembered who I was from school. 0.55

02:21:22.000 When she came on set? 0.65

02:21:23.000 When she came on set, she was like, because Jim Jeffery, my real last name is Nugent.

02:21:27.000 I use my middle name as a stage name.

02:21:29.000 Is it because of Ted?

02:21:30.000 No, I just, Jim Jeffery sounded better than Jim Nugent, Jim Jeffery, you know what I mean?

02:21:35.000 It was just, it was a little tiny thing to alliteration, you know?

02:21:39.000 Right.

02:21:39.000 And so she, I wasn't going by my original name, so she had no reasons for it.

02:21:44.000 And then I sort of reminded her, I said, oh, we used to come over and your mum used to make this type of food and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

02:21:50.000 I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't, that I had my own TV show.

02:21:57.000 That she went up to the producer and went, I've got food poisoning, I need to go home, and just walked off the set.

02:22:02.000 What?

02:22:03.000 Didn't even do the job.

02:22:05.000 Maybe she just got a little squirt. 1.00

02:22:06.000 Maybe she had to leave.

02:22:07.000 Wait, wait, wait.

02:22:08.000 Really?

02:22:09.000 Yeah.

02:22:10.000 Wow.

02:22:10.000 Didn't take the gig, man.

02:22:12.000 So what makes you think that it's because of that?

02:22:14.000 I just think it's... 0.98

02:22:17.000 I just think people get fucking jealous, man. 0.97

02:22:19.000 We all get jealous. 1.00

02:22:20.000 I think she just was like, fuck this cunt. 1.00

02:22:22.000 Because I was the guy at university that you thought wouldn't make it. 1.00

02:22:26.000 All the other gay guys had abs and all that type of stuff. 1.00

02:22:28.000 And I was like a bit of a doughy fucking marshmallow looking cunt who could sing a little bit, who couldn't dance at all and was acting. 1.00

02:22:34.000 It was pretty average. 1.00

02:22:35.000 They always kicked out like five people a year from the course, like you're not good enough.

02:22:39.000 I left after I got the nodules and I was going to get kicked out anyway.

02:22:43.000 That was already right on the cards.

02:22:45.000 I jumped before I was pushed.

02:22:48.000 That competitive thing of show business is one of the weirdest aspects of it.

02:22:53.000 Sometimes even in relationships, I had a friend who got something and his girlfriend started crying.

02:22:57.000 He got some part in some TV show and his girlfriend started crying because she was like, when is something going to happen for me?

02:23:04.000 That was her immediate reaction.

02:23:06.000 And I remember thinking, wow.

02:23:08.000 Gotta get rid of that bird. 0.98

02:23:09.000 Here's something that's about to happen to you. 0.73

02:23:11.000 Homeless!

02:23:15.000 Yeah, that's very unattractive.

02:23:18.000 That competitive thing.

02:23:19.000 Yeah, you can't help it.

02:23:21.000 A little bit with comedy, it's very hard to never have it with any other start-up comic.

02:23:25.000 There's always going to be one where you go, that guy?

02:23:28.000 But I found out now... 0.99

02:23:31.000 And I think it's easier because I got a bit of success, but I don't give a shit. 0.98

02:23:35.000 I just worry about me. 0.99

02:23:36.000 I don't give a fuck if someone's got a movie or something. 0.99

02:23:39.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:23:40.000 I just worry about me. 0.99

02:23:41.000 And then you know the good guys, you know the bad guys, and that's it.

02:23:45.000 But in the early days, I got more jealous at...

02:23:49.000 How's that guy in at that club?

02:23:50.000 I've been trying to get into that club forever.

02:23:52.000 That's just the frustration of not having made it yet, and then once you have, and you've got some success, it goes away, and then you can actually enjoy it.

02:23:59.000 But I think there's successful people who still fucking don't want any other cut to have anything. 0.99

02:24:03.000 Fuck yeah, there are. 0.99

02:24:04.000 Well, there's a lot of successful people also that only work with terrible comedians so that they shine. 0.99

02:24:09.000 Have you ever seen a really good guy who brings the fucking worst guys ever on the road to open for them? 0.95

02:24:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:24:14.000 Tortures the audience for a half an hour with the worst fucking shit stand-up ever just so they can come in and clean up the show and look like a hero. 0.99

02:24:21.000 And that's really what it is. 1.00

02:24:22.000 They don't want anybody to shine.

02:24:24.000 That's a very weird...

02:24:27.000 Common.

02:24:28.000 Yeah.

02:24:28.000 It's common.

02:24:29.000 The saying I like is chase the dream, not the competition.

02:24:35.000 It's a good saying.

02:24:37.000 You know what I mean?

02:24:37.000 Because if you're worried about the competition, you'll always feel...

02:24:40.000 It's like people who get angry at fucking Aziz Ansari. 1.00

02:24:43.000 Like, oh, that fucking... 1.00

02:24:45.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:24:46.000 Who gets angry at that guy?

02:24:47.000 There's plenty of comics who don't think he deserves...

02:24:50.000 What does that mean, though?

02:24:51.000 What is deserve?

02:24:52.000 Who deserves anything?

02:24:53.000 This is my thing.

02:24:55.000 Well, whether you like him or not, you're not a little tiny Indian bloke who's a little bit hip-hop.

02:25:01.000 So at least the guy's unique. 0.99

02:25:03.000 He's not stepping on your fucking toes. 1.00

02:25:05.000 I've never met another cunt like him in the comedy community. 1.00

02:25:07.000 It's that zero-sum thing that people have. 0.99

02:25:10.000 This idea that there's a finite amount of gigs.

02:25:12.000 There's a finite amount of audience members.

02:25:14.000 And if Jim Jeffries becomes big...

02:25:16.000 That takes away from me.

02:25:18.000 I've had people accuse me of being like a foreigner coming over taking American jobs.

02:25:23.000 That's hilarious!

02:25:24.000 Who did that? 0.91

02:25:25.000 I've had a few of them.

02:25:26.000 A comic?

02:25:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:25:27.000 Who?

02:25:27.000 Name names.

02:25:28.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:25:30.000 Name names. 1.00

02:25:30.000 They're not people you'd know anyway. 1.00

02:25:32.000 Who cares?

02:25:33.000 Name them so we don't ever know them.

02:25:35.000 There was a radio station in Tampa that got into me about that. 1.00

02:25:40.000 Oh my god, that's so stupid. 1.00

02:25:42.000 Said that I'd come over and fucking America had made me famous and blah blah blah. 1.00

02:25:45.000 I said, look, I give back to America, man. 0.98

02:25:47.000 I said, my show employs over a hundred people.

02:25:50.000 And I've written it, I've produced it.

02:25:51.000 This is a recent thing, this happened?

02:25:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:25:53.000 And I said, my TV show employs over a hundred different people in different jobs, right?

02:25:58.000 And then he went, well, if you didn't do it, then an American would do it.

02:26:01.000 And you're like, it doesn't matter, mate.

02:26:03.000 I did it.

02:26:03.000 That's not true.

02:26:04.000 I did it.

02:26:04.000 Doesn't matter.

02:26:05.000 That's not true.

02:26:07.000 That idea is not true.

02:26:08.000 The idea that if you didn't make that show, someone else would make that show.

02:26:12.000 There'd be another show in its place or something.

02:26:14.000 I don't know. 0.98

02:26:15.000 Who the fuck knows what it would be? 0.94

02:26:16.000 It might not employ as many people. 0.98

02:26:18.000 It might not be a drama.

02:26:19.000 It might be a reality show that employs very few people and works non-union. 1.00

02:26:22.000 You know, that attitude is so stupid. 1.00

02:26:26.000 It's also... 1.00

02:26:27.000 How... 0.99

02:26:28.000 Immigrant thing that you get, and I got it in the UK as well, is, well, we're all fucking immigrants. 0.99

02:26:36.000 Exactly. 0.97

02:26:36.000 The United States is 100% immigrants. 0.97

02:26:39.000 100%.

02:26:39.000 Immigrants or the children of immigrants.

02:26:41.000 That's how this was made, unless you're Native American. 1.00

02:26:44.000 And they say 80% of all businesses in America now are either from immigrants or the sons and daughters, first generation immigrants.

02:26:51.000 Even if you're a Native American, that means you came over on the Bering Strait. 0.99

02:26:55.000 Your great-great-great-great-grandfather walked here from fucking Asia. 0.99

02:26:58.000 Is that what happened? 0.99

02:27:00.000 That's very fascinating. 0.95

02:27:01.000 Native American, I mean, unless you're talking about Native Americans that have their DNA combined, like Mexicans, is a lot of Native Americans that had sex with Spaniards. 0.72

02:27:11.000 Like way, way, way, way back in the day.

02:27:13.000 But when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans, one of the things they found when they were researching, there was a guy who was a Mormon, a hardcore Mormon, and he's a really rich guy, and he wanted to prove that Joseph Smith was correct, and everything that he said in the Bible was true, and that the Native Americans were the lost tribe of Israel.

02:27:31.000 So he mapped out the genome of the Native Americans.

02:27:34.000 It turns out they're from Siberia.

02:27:35.000 So they came down.

02:27:37.000 They walked when it was a solid landmass.

02:27:38.000 They've got sort of, yeah, Siberia.

02:27:42.000 Is that near Mongolia?

02:27:43.000 No.

02:27:44.000 Well, Siberia is Russia.

02:27:46.000 Yeah, I know.

02:27:46.000 It's in Russia.

02:27:47.000 It's sort of near it in the fact that the Mongols actually invaded Russia.

02:27:53.000 I'm not good with geography. 0.98

02:27:54.000 I've traveled the fucking world and I don't know anything. 0.97

02:27:57.000 Well, it's all in the same... 0.98

02:27:59.000 I mean, you wouldn't want to walk there, but I mean, it's all in the same landmass.

02:28:04.000 It's all snow. 0.99

02:28:05.000 It's all suck. 1.00

02:28:06.000 Siberia sucks. 1.00

02:28:07.000 Shoveling their fucking driveways. 1.00

02:28:09.000 But they're happy as shit, man. 1.00

02:28:10.000 We're in their tennis. 1.00

02:28:11.000 Well, they reckon the happiest place on earth is Denmark or something, and it's like highest tax bracket.

02:28:15.000 And you know why?

02:28:17.000 It's because the most content people, maybe not the happiest, the most content people on earth are in Denmark, because it gets fucking dark at three, and there's...

02:28:27.000 You don't even dream about being a famous movie star or a musician.

02:28:30.000 There's no entertainment business that comes out of it.

02:28:33.000 You have to keep your dreams at a nice low level in Denmark.

02:28:36.000 So you never get crushed by the world.

02:28:39.000 You never have a girlfriend going, when's it going to happen for me?

02:28:42.000 All you have is people sitting around Denmark going, oh, well, you know, on Saturday we're going to have a drink, aren't we?

02:28:48.000 So I'll see Hans.

02:28:50.000 That'll be fun.

02:28:51.000 That's as much as your dreams get to.

02:28:53.000 Saturday, having a beer with your buddy.

02:28:56.000 You know, you never get ahead of yourself.

02:28:58.000 There's a Werner Herzog documentary on Siberia called Happy People, Life in the Taiga.

02:29:03.000 It's about all these people that live up there.

02:29:05.000 Virtually no mental illness. 0.96

02:29:06.000 A lot of fucking really content, happy people. 0.99

02:29:09.000 All they do is fish and trap and hunt. 0.99

02:29:13.000 That's all they do.

02:29:14.000 That's all they do. 1.00

02:29:15.000 They trade skins and meat and fish for fucking chainsaw blades. 1.00

02:29:21.000 Because that's the thing is, you know when you go fishing, there's very few people that can fuck you over in your day. 1.00

02:29:27.000 That's true. 0.99

02:29:28.000 You go work in an office, you're getting fucked over by people who are smiling at you. 0.98

02:29:33.000 Well, you're also dealing with unbelievably unnatural behavior. 0.94

02:29:35.000 Sitting in a box, the same box, every day, eight hours a day plus, and commuting, and all day you're sitting, and there's no physical movement at all.

02:29:46.000 There's nothing explosive going on with your body, no use of your senses, no fight or flight.

02:29:51.000 But it's also like the bullying thing that you see.

02:29:55.000 You see these people who, when you first walk into CA, were assistants.

02:29:59.000 And they sat in that front thing and they'd always have a jar of M&Ms and they'd be like, hey Jim, great to see you.

02:30:04.000 Oh, here's some M&Ms.

02:30:05.000 Here's some water.

02:30:06.000 Like the happiest person in the world.

02:30:08.000 I'm getting ahead in the world. 1.00

02:30:10.000 And then they have that cunt that sat behind them that used to just call them a piece of shit because they got their coffee order wrong. 1.00

02:30:16.000 And then they'd go home and cry even though they smiled to you because it was part of their job. 1.00

02:30:20.000 And then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there, they're fucking telling that person they're a cunt. 0.99

02:30:26.000 They can't get coffee to save their life. 0.99

02:30:28.000 Do you remember that movie?

02:30:29.000 And the circle of life never ends.

02:30:30.000 The Kevin Spacey movie?

02:30:32.000 Ah, which one? 1.00

02:30:33.000 The Kevin Spacey movie where he's like the worst fucking employee ever or the employer ever. 1.00

02:30:38.000 He's like an agent. 0.99

02:30:39.000 And he hires some guy and they wind up kidnapping him.

02:30:42.000 What was that movie?

02:30:43.000 Kevin Spacey. 1.00

02:30:44.000 Fucking shit, I can't remember that movie. 1.00

02:30:47.000 Kevin Spacey. 1.00

02:30:50.000 Agent movie. 1.00

02:30:52.000 Yeah, he's a fucking complete nightmare. 1.00

02:30:54.000 I gotta get going. 1.00

02:30:55.000 I gotta get to the doctors, guys.

02:30:56.000 Oh.

02:30:57.000 Is that a problem?

02:30:58.000 No.

02:30:58.000 It's never a problem.

02:30:59.000 We've done two and a half hours. 1.00

02:31:00.000 I just want to tell people what this fucking movie is, goddammit. 0.99

02:31:11.000 That's not the movie. 0.99

02:31:12.000 That's another movie that he made that was based around the original first movie.

02:31:18.000 Find it.

02:31:19.000 Find it, Jamie. 0.99

02:31:20.000 Find it before we wrap this fucking thing up. 0.99

02:31:22.000 That's your assignment. 0.99

02:31:23.000 Finding Nemo.

02:31:24.000 No, that's not it.

02:31:26.000 That's not it.

02:31:26.000 Wasn't there a movie called Kangaroo Jack or something?

02:31:29.000 Yeah.

02:31:30.000 Yeah, there was definitely that.

02:31:31.000 There was Kangaroo Jack too.

02:31:32.000 My girlfriend at the moment can't leave the house because we live just off... 1.00

02:31:35.000 What is it, Jamie?

02:31:36.000 Say it.

02:31:37.000 Swimming with sharks, that's exactly what it is. 0.99

02:31:39.000 Yeah, it's fucking great. 0.98

02:31:41.000 That's a great movie where you see what kind of a terrible environment that agent environment is. 0.99

02:31:46.000 It's the worst, man.

02:31:47.000 Oh, it's the one where he swears...

02:31:49.000 I've seen the speech out of it.

02:31:50.000 Tortures this young kid that works for him.

02:31:52.000 I used to have a girl that I dated that worked for an agent. 0.99

02:31:54.000 She'd wake up in the middle of the night freaking out.

02:31:56.000 Like that she forgot to do something.

02:31:58.000 In the middle of the night, oh, oh, oh.

02:31:59.000 And he was brutal.

02:32:00.000 He was just...

02:32:01.000 Well, that's like...

02:32:03.000 Every occupation must have that, where you wake up in the middle of the night going, I forgot to... 1.00

02:32:07.000 Ah, shit. 0.99

02:32:08.000 Yeah, but it's a 24-hour job. 1.00

02:32:10.000 What about the bloke who puts bolts on engines for GM? Well, obviously there's inspectors that handle that along with it.

02:32:18.000 Yeah, but it just takes a couple of people to have a bad day simultaneously.

02:32:22.000 Yeah.

02:32:23.000 This girl, though, this gig of being an assistant to an agent was literally all day. 0.96

02:32:28.000 He would call her up in the middle of the night, I need eggs, I don't have any eggs, go get me some eggs, bring them to my house.

02:32:33.000 She would have laundry she'd have to pick up.

02:32:36.000 It was all day, every day. 0.99

02:32:37.000 She made shit money, barely could survive, and it was all day on call. 1.00

02:32:42.000 If you're watching this live, don't go to Laurel Canyon right now. 1.00

02:32:46.000 Why's that?

02:32:47.000 I live in Mount Olympus. 0.99

02:32:49.000 My girlfriend has to walk up the fucking hill and park the car down the bottom of the road, which is like a mile up the hill. 1.00

02:32:56.000 Something's going on? 0.99

02:32:57.000 There's a cop being shot in Laurel Canyon, and the guy's barricaded himself in his house.

02:33:05.000 It was a domestic thing, and there's a standoff happening.

02:33:08.000 Oh, I heard about that this morning.

02:33:10.000 That's still going on?

02:33:11.000 Well, she just texted me, don't drive down this way because she's walking up the hill. 1.00

02:33:14.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:33:15.000 Alright, folks. 1.00

02:33:17.000 Watch Jim Jeffery's show, Legit.

02:33:19.000 It's on FFX, FXX. Two X's.

02:33:22.000 We're one X away from a sex parody.

02:33:23.000 What happened there?

02:33:24.000 Why did it go from FX to FXX? Well, they've got a new channel and they had to move somewhere.

02:33:30.000 So us, Sonny, in Philadelphia and the League all moved over.

02:33:33.000 Ali G's back. 0.90

02:33:34.000 Ali G's on after our show.

02:33:36.000 That's beautiful.

02:33:36.000 How is it?

02:33:37.000 I heard the Ali G one is a lot of his old stuff, too, that aired in England.

02:33:41.000 It's all the stuff that aired in England that never aired over here.

02:33:44.000 That's the whole show?

02:33:45.000 With different intros and stuff like that.

02:33:47.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:33:48.000 It's repackaged to that one, but that's on after me.

02:33:51.000 Don't worry about that.

02:33:52.000 Don't worry about that.

02:33:53.000 Worry about Legit.

02:33:54.000 What time is Legit?

02:33:55.000 When should they watch it?

02:33:55.000 Legit's at 10 unless you have DirecTV, which means it goes forward to 7 because you get them West Coast feed.

02:34:02.000 But yeah, it's 10 o'clock East Coast.

02:34:04.000 It's 10 o'clock East Coast.

02:34:05.000 Do you enjoy working for FXX? Love it, yeah.

02:34:07.000 All good?

02:34:08.000 Yeah, yeah, it's all good.

02:34:09.000 Beautiful.

02:34:10.000 All right, legit, watch it.

02:34:12.000 You don't have a podcast anymore.

02:34:13.000 Stop doing that.

02:34:14.000 No, I do not have a podcast at the present moment.

02:34:16.000 I'm on tour at the moment.

02:34:18.000 If you're watching, I'm doing this Saturday.

02:34:21.000 I will be at Club Nokia in LA, and I'm somewhere in San Francisco this Friday.

02:34:27.000 You don't even know?

02:34:28.000 I think they're both sold out, but just check anyway. 1.00

02:34:31.000 Go check, you fucks. 0.99

02:34:32.000 I tried to go to your website. 1.00

02:34:33.000 Hilarious fucking stand-up comic. 0.99

02:34:34.000 Anyway, yeah, I'm on tour there. 0.99

02:34:37.000 People listen to this in Australia, very popular in Australia.

02:34:39.000 I will be touring the entire month of April across Australia, all major cities for the whole month.

02:34:44.000 Glorious, glorious, ladies and gentlemen.

02:34:46.000 Jim Jeffries.

02:34:47.000 Thanks, brother.

02:34:48.000 That was a lot of fun.

02:34:49.000 Thanks for having me.

02:34:49.000 Thanks to our sponsor.

02:34:50.000 Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe.

02:34:55.000 That's it, right?

02:34:56.000 Is that what it is?

02:34:58.000 Squarespace, yeah.

02:34:59.000 Wait a minute.

02:35:00.000 Is that it?

02:35:00.000 Yeah.

02:35:02.000 Squarespace.com, code word Joe.

02:35:04.000 Yeah, use the code word Joe.

02:35:05.000 Save yourself 10%.

02:35:06.000 And thanks also to Onnit.com.

02:35:09.000 Use the code word Rogan.

02:35:10.000 Save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:35:12.000 We will be back, ladies and gentlemen.

02:35:14.000 We've got a lot of podcasts this week.

02:35:15.000 Much love.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 24, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #473 - Jim Jefferies

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