The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #485 - Amy Schumer

00:00:02.000 Sweet! 0.95

00:00:03.000 Baby Jesus.

00:00:04.000 On a pogo stick.

00:00:06.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience, this is a late night episode, is brought to you by Squarespace.

00:00:13.000 Squarespace is the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy for you to create your own professional website.

00:00:20.000 And not like a bullshit professional website, but like a really dope website. 0.91

00:00:24.000 I say dope, I'm almost 50. How about that? 0.99

00:00:26.000 I'm 46, I say dope.

00:00:28.000 You look good. 1.00

00:00:28.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:00:30.000 Say it because I mean it. 1.00

00:00:31.000 They make dope websites.

00:00:33.000 Squarespace has beautiful designs for you to start with and all the style options you need to create a unique website for you and or your business.

00:00:40.000 I know you probably, like, there's no way I can do this. 0.75

00:00:42.000 This is too fucking complicated.

00:00:44.000 It's as easy as sending an email with a picture in it. 0.97

00:00:46.000 If you can do that, if you can attach things, if you can drag and drop, it's very simple stuff.

00:00:51.000 And they offer 24-7 support.

00:00:53.000 You can make your own business and you can start an online store with Squarespace.

00:00:59.000 In a wicked easy fashion.

00:01:02.000 Squarespace also even has a logo creator.

00:01:05.000 You can create a clean, custom, simple logo designed for yourself in minutes.

00:01:10.000 Beautiful-ness.

00:01:12.000 All by yourself.

00:01:13.000 Each design automatically includes a unique mobile experience that matches the overall style of your website.

00:01:20.000 So if you make a website on Squarespace, you can look at it on your iPhone.

00:01:24.000 You can look at it on a Kindle device.

00:01:26.000 You can look at it on a laptop.

00:01:29.000 You can look at it on your phone. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Fucking Android phone. 1.00

00:01:32.000 You get me. 1.00

00:01:33.000 You understand what I'm saying.

00:01:34.000 Mac, PC, whatever, whatever.

00:01:36.000 For a free trial and 10% off your first purchase, go to squarespace.com and enter the code word JOE. That's squarespace.com and the code word JOE. It says, Squarespace, a better web, starts with your website, but that's ridiculous.

00:01:51.000 Because the web's pretty fucking awesome already. 0.99

00:01:54.000 Change that shit, Squarespace. 1.00

00:01:55.000 Anyway, JoeRogan. 0.99

00:01:58.000 Squarespace.com, entering the code word Joe.

00:02:00.000 We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. 0.98

00:02:02.000 And with Stamps.com is a way to avoid a lot of the nonsense that goes along with sending shit through the mail. 0.85

00:02:09.000 Like, let's say you start your own website with Squarespace, you start selling shit out of Squarespace, then you gotta send it. 0.88

00:02:14.000 Oh, good googly moogly, son. 0.99

00:02:16.000 You do not want to have to go to the fucking post office and wait in line With a bunch of other people that don't want to be waiting in line and a poor person behind the counter that's got to measure all your shit and package it up. 0.99

00:02:28.000 You can get rid of all those steps and handle it all completely from your home while drunk and naked and it's totally legal. 1.00

00:02:37.000 And you do it through your computer.

00:02:39.000 You use stamps.com.

00:02:40.000 You don't have to get drunk and naked.

00:02:41.000 It's just a suggestion.

00:02:42.000 And I don't know how you deal with things when you're naked or when you're drunk.

00:02:45.000 You might make poor choices.

00:02:46.000 So you might not want to use stamps.com when you're drunk and naked. 0.99

00:02:50.000 But if you're sober in your home, you can do whatever the fuck you want. 0.99

00:02:53.000 What am I, your dad? 0.99

00:02:54.000 My point is that you can print official U.S. postage right there from your home computer, slap that shit on a box, and weigh it with the digital scale that they provide as a part of this delicious $110 package, which includes up to $55 of free postage. 0.99

00:03:14.000 Squarespace is an awesome way to start a website and Stamps.com is an awesome way to sell shit. 0.98

00:03:19.000 I like that they go hand in hand. 0.99

00:03:21.000 Do you see how I rock shit, Amy Schumer? 1.00

00:03:23.000 Full circle! 1.00

00:03:25.000 Craziness!

00:03:26.000 Stamps.com has been used by Brian Redband for a long time.

00:03:29.000 If you buy one of his cool kitty cat t-shirts that he designs and makes himself, those are all sent through Stamps.com.

00:03:37.000 It's also how Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura, when they send your mom's house stuff, they use Stamps.com too.

00:03:43.000 It's an awesome, awesome service.

00:03:45.000 And if you use the promo code JRE, you will get this special offer, which is no-risk trial, $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 of free postage.

00:03:57.000 So go to Stamps.com.

00:03:58.000 Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type JRE. That's Stamps.com and enter in JRE. We're almost home, Amy Schumer.

00:04:08.000 We're almost home.

00:04:08.000 We're at the home stretch.

00:04:09.000 Oh, boy.

00:04:10.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:04:11.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. A human optimization website.

00:04:15.000 And that name was only created because there's another way to describe it.

00:04:19.000 It seems a little douchey and pretentious.

00:04:20.000 We're all about human optimization.

00:04:23.000 But that's really what we're about, so there's no other way to say it, unfortunately.

00:04:27.000 It sounds good until you're talking to someone who's skeptical. 0.99

00:04:30.000 And then looking at you like, what, bitch? 1.00

00:04:32.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:04:33.000 Human optimization website. 1.00

00:04:34.000 What kind of nonsense?

00:04:36.000 Strength and conditioning equipment. 1.00

00:04:38.000 That's what I'm talking about, bitch. 1.00

00:04:39.000 We sell kettlebells at Onnit, both regular kettlebells and artistic ones. 0.99

00:04:43.000 We have these primal bells, which are all the great apes.

00:04:47.000 Gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, and little howler monkeys.

00:04:52.000 And we also made zombie bells.

00:04:53.000 This is the most recent one.

00:04:55.000 All these were done by a guy named Steven Shubin Jr., a badass artist, created these awesome things, and then we made them out of metal.

00:05:03.000 And they are all 3D balanced, so although they look cool and everything like that, we also wanted to make sure they're completely, totally functional. 0.91

00:05:12.000 I use the 70, of course, the gorilla, because I'm a fucking manly man. 0.99

00:05:16.000 And I got no time for your bullshit. 1.00

00:05:18.000 And if you're preparing for the zombie apocalypse, what better way than prepare with a fucking metal zombie head? 1.00

00:05:23.000 And they will last you forever. 0.99

00:05:25.000 Like, literally. 1.00

00:05:25.000 After the apocalypse comes, and the aliens land, and they try to decipher our culture, they'll find a few fucking zombie heads and... 1.00

00:05:34.000 Gorilla heads. 1.00

00:05:35.000 They're like, what the fuck were these people into? 1.00

00:05:37.000 They will never figure it out. 1.00

00:05:38.000 Mark my words. 0.99

00:05:39.000 They would never fucking figure it out. 0.99

00:05:41.000 They were like, they worshiped the gods of the monkeys. 1.00

00:05:43.000 No, you dummies. 0.98

00:05:44.000 We worked out with them. 0.88

00:05:45.000 Onnit.com.

00:05:46.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and you will save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:05:52.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. The code word is ROGAN. Amy Schumer is here.

00:05:57.000 Why fuck around? 1.00

00:06:02.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 1.00

00:06:08.000 Powerful Amy Schumer It's like,

00:06:37.000 honestly, vegetables and fruit for a smoothie.

00:06:41.000 Like some Greek yogurt.

00:06:42.000 It's just like, he's like...

00:06:43.000 Beautiful.

00:06:44.000 Perfect.

00:06:44.000 And then wine, which I tell him to hide from me unless I ask for it.

00:06:48.000 What about a pair of white sneakers?

00:06:50.000 I should do that.

00:06:51.000 I need like a hip-hop...

00:06:52.000 I need a hip-hop vibe.

00:06:54.000 I've got nothing...

00:06:56.000 Well, there's some artists that do demand things like that. 0.99

00:06:58.000 They demand, like, every time I go to one of these places, I always ask the guys backstage, like, what's the craziest shit you've ever seen? 0.52

00:07:04.000 Because a lot of these dudes that are, like, working in these comedy clubs or these, especially these theaters that have seen, like, rock and roll bands coming through, you always want to know, like, what? 0.98

00:07:13.000 Come on, man. 0.98

00:07:13.000 What's the craziest shit you've seen? 0.98

00:07:14.000 Just rock and roll coke stories for the most part. 1.00

00:07:17.000 That's what everybody has.

00:07:18.000 I mean, I wouldn't repeat the stories because I wouldn't want to get anybody in trouble.

00:07:21.000 But they're mostly just coke and naked people stories.

00:07:24.000 The funniest one I ever heard was T.J. Miller, that comic.

00:07:28.000 He asked for either an actual or a picture of a pinata in the green room.

00:07:34.000 So sometimes the promoter has to draw the picture of a pinata.

00:07:38.000 I'm like, that's awesome.

00:07:39.000 I've got nothing exciting on there.

00:07:42.000 But until recently, there was some mistake where it told drivers not to look at me, or not to talk to me.

00:07:46.000 Like, something was in there.

00:07:47.000 And in December, I heard that, and I go, oh my god, that's not supposed to be there.

00:07:51.000 Please take that out.

00:07:52.000 And they haven't.

00:07:52.000 I just found out they didn't.

00:07:54.000 So, it's so...

00:07:55.000 Because I'm always like, why is there such horrible tension on this ride?

00:08:00.000 And then they're like...

00:08:02.000 And I'll talk to them, and they're like, oh, you know, it says I'm not...

00:08:04.000 And I'm like, oh my god, that's so embarrassing!

00:08:06.000 Like, me being like, no, don't talk to me.

00:08:09.000 I've had that in my rider accidentally as well.

00:08:12.000 Not even accidentally.

00:08:13.000 Like, it was a conversation that somebody must have had with someone.

00:08:16.000 Like, you shouldn't talk to them.

00:08:18.000 It's like, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:08:19.000 Like, that's ridiculous. 0.99

00:08:21.000 Yeah. 0.93

00:08:21.000 I used to be really pained by small talk, actually. 0.93

00:08:24.000 Like, on the road, because you have so many little interactions.

00:08:27.000 But Colin Quinn, like, really turned me on to small talk.

00:08:31.000 He goes so hard into small talk that people go the other way.

00:08:36.000 It's like an art form to him.

00:08:37.000 One driver at a time, one person who works at a hotel, he'll small talk you to death.

00:08:43.000 It really has sort of changed the road for me.

00:08:47.000 I've had some great drivers.

00:08:49.000 I've had some really, really hilarious dudes.

00:08:51.000 I had a dude in New Orleans that grew up in New Orleans and had no idea how crazy New Orleans was.

00:08:56.000 Craziest place I've ever been.

00:08:57.000 Yeah, and in comparison to the rest of the country, there's certain things you just get away with in New Orleans, like walking down the street with an open beer.

00:09:04.000 The cops pulled him over.

00:09:07.000 And he was only a couple hours outside of New Orleans, he said.

00:09:11.000 He drove a couple hours.

00:09:12.000 And he's out there with a beer, sitting there by his car, drinking this beer.

00:09:16.000 And the cop pulls over, and the cop starts asking him questions.

00:09:19.000 And while the cop's talking to him, he puts the one beer down and cracks open another one.

00:09:24.000 Oh my god.

00:09:25.000 Like nothing.

00:09:26.000 Like nothing.

00:09:27.000 Starts drinking the second beer. 1.00

00:09:28.000 And the cop was like, are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00

00:09:30.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:09:31.000 He goes, wait a minute.

00:09:32.000 The cop goes, where are you from?

00:09:33.000 And the guy goes, New Orleans.

00:09:34.000 And he's like, oh, okay.

00:09:36.000 Listen, you can't do that here.

00:09:38.000 You can't do that anywhere else.

00:09:39.000 You live in a crazy place.

00:09:41.000 It's such a cultural...

00:09:42.000 I love it there.

00:09:43.000 That's also my favorite place.

00:09:44.000 But I've seen the worst stuff there.

00:09:47.000 The worst stuff?

00:09:48.000 The worst.

00:09:48.000 Violence?

00:09:49.000 The combination of everything bad.

00:09:51.000 And I went to college in Baltimore.

00:09:52.000 Like...

00:09:53.000 Not a coincidence that they filmed The Wire there.

00:09:56.000 But in New Orleans, I was like 17, I was there in a volleyball tournament, and I was in a Haagen-Dazs, and I saw these two guys stray from the bayou, and they were both hitting on this girl, and they didn't know that it was a hooker, and they didn't know that it was a guy. 0.97

00:10:13.000 I was like 17, I was like, ooh, that's dark, and they were both celebrating that this hot girl was talking to them, and I was like, oh, one of them is about to catch a dick. 0.98

00:10:21.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:10:23.000 Yeah.

00:10:23.000 But I love that city.

00:10:24.000 It's my favorite.

00:10:25.000 A friend of mine once in California, my friend Eddie, we were right by the comedy store.

00:10:29.000 You know that hotel by the comedy store?

00:10:31.000 That ramp that's going up?

00:10:32.000 Yeah.

00:10:33.000 And this woman was driving up the hill. 1.00

00:10:35.000 And my friend Eddie was like, dude, that chick is so fucking hot. 1.00

00:10:39.000 Oh my god, look how hot that girl is. 1.00

00:10:41.000 Yeah. 0.69

00:10:42.000 And she was a transvestite who had... 1.00

00:10:45.000 a transsexual... 0.95

00:10:46.000 That had done a piece on the man show with us.

00:10:48.000 And I said, oh, I know her.

00:10:50.000 And I'm like, she's a he. 1.00

00:10:51.000 And he's like, no fucking way. 0.99

00:10:52.000 I go, well, not anymore she's not. 1.00

00:10:54.000 But she used to be, I guess she still kind of is because she has a penis still. 1.00

00:10:58.000 And he was like, what? 1.00

00:10:59.000 Was it a transsexual and transvestite? 0.90

00:11:01.000 Oh, well, they just dress. 0.99

00:11:02.000 Transsexual is someone who has gotten their sex changed. 0.99

00:11:05.000 Okay. 1.00

00:11:06.000 Transvestite is someone who dresses as a woman. 0.57

00:11:09.000 You know, you could be a cross-dresser, too. 0.95

00:11:11.000 Yeah.

00:11:11.000 It's kind of weird when you define, you know, like, what they are.

00:11:15.000 Like, what is a person who dresses like a woman? 1.00

00:11:17.000 Would Jim Norton fuck them? 1.00

00:11:19.000 But, I mean, not even if they, I mean, not even, like, a sexual thing. 1.00

00:11:22.000 Because if a dress, like, I think you could be a transvestite and be completely heterosexual. 0.94

00:11:28.000 Like, Eddie Izzard, I think, just cross-dresses. 1.00

00:11:30.000 Or he did anyway, but doesn't, like, is very straight, I think, right?

00:11:36.000 I don't know.

00:11:36.000 You know, I don't know why he did that, but it worked, whatever it is.

00:11:40.000 Unstoppable.

00:11:41.000 And it's obviously that he's got talent outside of that, but whatever it is, it worked.

00:11:45.000 He did an amazing thing once where he ran around Europe.

00:11:49.000 Did you ever see that documentary?

00:11:50.000 No.

00:11:51.000 My respect for him shot through the roof.

00:11:54.000 See, that annoyed me.

00:11:55.000 I don't even know anything about it, but him doing that, like, it makes me feel lazy, and right away I'm like, ugh.

00:12:00.000 You'd have to see it to understand what he did, because it was incredibly impressive.

00:12:05.000 I guess it was on the UK on TV, and it didn't get on TV in America.

00:12:09.000 You've got to watch it on the internet, but he ran, like, every day.

00:12:12.000 He ran a marathon.

00:12:13.000 What?

00:12:14.000 Yeah, he ran all around Europe.

00:12:16.000 It's insane.

00:12:16.000 What he did was insane.

00:12:17.000 He also does his act in Arabic.

00:12:19.000 He does his act in a bunch of different languages. 1.00

00:12:21.000 Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:12:22.000 I may not be Arabic. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Whatever he does it in, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:12:25.000 That guy's amazing. 0.99

00:12:26.000 He's like Beyonce. 1.00

00:12:27.000 He ran around the fucking... 1.00

00:12:28.000 I mean, he's not an athlete. 1.00

00:12:30.000 This is the thing.

00:12:30.000 He didn't do it When he was in shape.

00:12:33.000 He did it when he was fat.

00:12:34.000 He just did it.

00:12:35.000 He just forced his body to do it.

00:12:37.000 He finished a 1,100 mile marathon around Britain.

00:12:40.000 Oh my god.

00:12:42.000 Yeah.

00:12:42.000 That was like a fake headline.

00:12:43.000 I can't believe this.

00:12:44.000 Exactly.

00:12:44.000 But so right away you like just respect that because right away I think, what are you running from?

00:12:48.000 What are you trying to escape from?

00:12:49.000 And maybe that's my defense mechanism.

00:12:51.000 But no, I don't think he's escaping or running from anything.

00:12:54.000 He did it all for charity and he had a goal.

00:12:57.000 A mama. 0.90

00:12:57.000 He set this goal in his mind, and he just decided to try to complete this goal. 0.90

00:13:02.000 What was the charity, Jamie?

00:13:04.000 Does it say?

00:13:04.000 Yeah, I think Sports Relief.

00:13:06.000 I don't know.

00:13:07.000 Eddie is finishing.

00:13:08.000 I don't know.

00:13:09.000 He looks great there.

00:13:10.000 That might just be a website that sponsored it.

00:13:12.000 There was some, some aspect of it was, uh, related to charity.

00:13:16.000 Oh, his body transformed during the time he did it. 0.97

00:13:18.000 He ran a thousand fucking miles, but like he had the most horrendous blisters on his feet. 0.97

00:13:26.000 I mean, his skin was torn apart on his feet just because his body was just so unused to this. 0.99

00:13:32.000 I mean, that's something you try just trying to build up to running a marathon, just a marathon. 0.98

00:13:38.000 That's a fucking serious physical undertaking. 0.97

00:13:41.000 I could not do a 3K right now. 0.99

00:13:42.000 I'd be like, whatever the charity, I couldn't do it.

00:13:45.000 This guy did a hundred of them.

00:13:47.000 Jesus Christ.

00:13:49.000 It's sad that I never heard of that.

00:13:51.000 How many did he run?

00:13:52.000 30 or something like that?

00:13:53.000 43 marathons?

00:13:55.000 They didn't even put it on TV. Were all of them a standard marathon rate of 26 miles?

00:13:59.000 Is that what it is?

00:14:01.000 That's a marathon, right?

00:14:02.000 26 miles?

00:14:03.000 Yeah.

00:14:03.000 That's incredible.

00:14:04.000 Is that the YouTube video or like a website?

00:14:06.000 No, but there is a YouTube video of it.

00:14:08.000 You can watch the whole thing every step of the way.

00:14:10.000 And there was parts of it where he was running really, really, really, really slow. 0.99

00:14:14.000 But he did not fucking quit. 0.98

00:14:16.000 It's incredible. 0.99

00:14:17.000 Like, you know, you just look at this guy pushing himself. 0.87

00:14:20.000 His knees are falling apart, his feet's falling apart, and he just gets up there and he just fucking keeps running. 0.87

00:14:25.000 I just think I can't help it. 0.79

00:14:27.000 I'm like, what's he running from?

00:14:28.000 But why is he running from something if he's trying to accomplish something?

00:14:31.000 Well, because I'm projecting.

00:14:34.000 I'm like, why would I do that?

00:14:36.000 Right.

00:14:36.000 Like, you don't want to date anybody that shows up at the gym at 6am.

00:14:39.000 Like, come on.

00:14:40.000 No, I think being motivated and wanting to take care of yourself is one thing.

00:14:45.000 But then I think something that insane...

00:14:48.000 I mean, if it's to raise money for charity, like, why don't you do stand-up and they'll put that on TV in America because you are...

00:14:55.000 Because he set a goal.

00:14:55.000 He set a goal to see if he could pull it off.

00:14:57.000 I think we have to agree to disagree because I don't think it's cool.

00:15:01.000 And I like him and I think he's really funny and so I feel bad.

00:15:05.000 No, look, you've got a point.

00:15:06.000 You've got a point.

00:15:07.000 I mean, why not just ask people to donate the money or donate the money yourself?

00:15:10.000 You've got a point.

00:15:11.000 No, but I mean, of course, then why even have a fundraiser?

00:15:15.000 But I'm just saying, to do that, I don't know.

00:15:19.000 I know zero about it except what you just told me, but right away that's what I think.

00:15:24.000 Here's another optimistic way of looking at it.

00:15:27.000 Positive way of looking at it.

00:15:29.000 He's also, on top of what he's doing, he's inspiring people.

00:15:33.000 Not me.

00:15:34.000 Because what he did is an incredible accomplishment. 0.99

00:15:36.000 Running 1,100 miles or whatever the fuck you wrote. 0.94

00:15:38.000 What did it inspire you to do? 0.99

00:15:39.000 What did you do?

00:15:40.000 It didn't inspire me to do anything.

00:15:41.000 It inspired a great feeling in me.

00:15:43.000 Really?

00:15:44.000 I don't even know what the charity is.

00:15:46.000 You just thought that's amazing.

00:15:47.000 Well, you just appreciate humans like... 1.00

00:15:49.000 Doing amazing shit. 0.99

00:15:51.000 And I just, I'm like, eh. 0.99

00:15:54.000 Every year of the marathon, no, but I really like going down to the marathon in New York and like rooting.

00:15:59.000 So like everyone's so excited, it's like really emotional, but I'm like, you know. 0.99

00:16:02.000 Do you give a shit about the Olympics when the Olympics come around? 0.98

00:16:05.000 I, I, not the Winter Olympics. 1.00

00:16:07.000 I just cannot give a shit about the Winter Olympics. 0.98

00:16:09.000 But I like the, I like gymnastics. 0.99

00:16:11.000 I get into some, some Olympics.

00:16:13.000 You know what's the biggest tragedy in all sports is that the Olympics, that they don't pay the athletes.

00:16:18.000 Oh, I thought it was like Nancy Kerrigan being beat. 0.54

00:16:21.000 No.

00:16:22.000 Those are professional athletes. 0.99

00:16:24.000 You know, the idea that they're amateur athletes is fucking preposterous. 0.99

00:16:28.000 The amount of revenue that gets generated by their athletic performances is fucking staggering. 0.99

00:16:33.000 Wait, because it's so much? 0.98

00:16:34.000 Yes, it's an incredible amount of money.

00:16:36.000 But only a couple of them, right?

00:16:38.000 It's an incredible amount of money that the Olympics itself generates.

00:16:42.000 The Olympics itself. 0.96

00:16:43.000 When people are watching the Olympics, there's fucking millions of people around the world. 0.98

00:16:49.000 Untold millions watching at the same time. 0.99

00:16:51.000 And the advertising revenue is stupendous.

00:16:54.000 I mean, they must make unbelievable amounts of money.

00:16:57.000 It costs a lot of money to put it on.

00:16:59.000 It's not a free event. 0.98

00:17:01.000 But the amount of profit that's generated by the Olympics must be fucking phenomenal. 0.98

00:17:06.000 Totally. 0.84

00:17:06.000 Yeah, it's an excellent opportunity for young athletes. 0.84

00:17:08.000 You know what would be more excellent? 1.00

00:17:10.000 Pay them, bitch. 1.00

00:17:11.000 That's so true. 1.00

00:17:12.000 Give them some fucking money. 1.00

00:17:13.000 These little girls. 1.00

00:17:13.000 Not a little money either. 1.00

00:17:14.000 A shit ton of money.

00:17:16.000 They throw away their entire childhoods and then one of them makes a lot of money. 0.96

00:17:21.000 There's like a dozen girls never getting their period so you could watch them for a week. 1.00

00:17:26.000 There should be some sort of scale where a certain amount of accomplishment leads to a certain amount of revenue.

00:17:32.000 Yeah, because that's the thing.

00:17:34.000 When you're younger, you're like, Oh, if you make it to the Olympics, you're just rich.

00:17:37.000 Like I thought it was like Hunger Games and you were like a victor.

00:17:39.000 You just like win so much money.

00:17:41.000 Right.

00:17:42.000 But really it's like, even ballerinas, I'm like, oh my god, only like a handful of you make it where you can make a bunch of money and still you're just beating your body to a pulp.

00:17:52.000 But then a lot of them like never even get there and make no money.

00:17:56.000 A lot of them, right?

00:17:58.000 Like what's the number?

00:18:00.000 I don't know.

00:18:02.000 I talked to a ballerina last season of my show and she said like if you're starring in a ballet, if you're like the New York ballerina, you make like I think under 500 a year.

00:18:15.000 And that's the best ballerina. 1.00

00:18:21.000 Do Olympic athletes actually make some money?

00:18:25.000 Okay, it does say this is the actual numbers.

00:18:28.000 The Olympic Committee awards cash prizes to Olympians who win a medal.

00:18:32.000 $25,000 for a gold, $15,000 for a silver, and $10,000 for a bronze.

00:18:37.000 But the money is considered earned income abroad and subject to IRX taxation.

00:18:42.000 So when you win an Olympic gold medal, you win $25,000.

00:18:46.000 That's so depressing.

00:18:48.000 That's a good wage. 1.00

00:18:51.000 If you're a fucking Burger King employee. 1.00

00:18:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:55.000 That's horrible.

00:18:56.000 It's unbelievable.

00:18:58.000 So what's the hope?

00:18:59.000 That you're like the one person that they're like, okay, now Nike or somebody wants to...

00:19:03.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:19:04.000 That sucks. 0.98

00:19:04.000 You'll get sponsored. 0.98

00:19:05.000 You'll be sponsored by several different companies.

00:19:07.000 You'll make some money off of that. 0.99

00:19:08.000 And maybe you'll be able to do seminars and shit. 0.98

00:19:11.000 To get the gold? 0.99

00:19:11.000 25 grand. 0.99

00:19:11.000 To get the gold. 0.99

00:19:12.000 I talked to a model also. 1.00

00:19:14.000 Motherfuckers. 1.00

00:19:14.000 I was like, what do models make? 1.00

00:19:17.000 But the ones at the very top of the game, of course, are making tons of money.

00:19:21.000 But...

00:19:21.000 The, like, really beautiful chicks that are working models make around that.

00:19:27.000 Like, they make, like, maybe 50 grand a year from that.

00:19:30.000 See, that's not what I've heard.

00:19:32.000 Really?

00:19:33.000 Because, yeah, my buddy's dating this chick who is a model, and he tells me...

00:19:37.000 Like, modeling quotes?

00:19:37.000 She's banging...

00:19:38.000 No, she's, like, a real model.

00:19:40.000 A real model.

00:19:40.000 Like, she just doesn't advertise in campaigns, and she makes...

00:19:43.000 Sometimes she makes $6,000 a day, $15,000 in a day. 1.00

00:19:47.000 She's made as much as $25,000 in a day. 0.91

00:19:49.000 Just posing.

00:19:51.000 She's not famous.

00:19:51.000 She's young.

00:19:53.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:19:53.000 Yeah, she has stupid amounts of money. 1.00

00:19:55.000 I think it varies, is what I'm trying to say. 0.99

00:19:58.000 But even like...

00:19:58.000 If you're on a big campaign, I think it varies.

00:20:01.000 I know only like three models.

00:20:03.000 But they work, and they've gotten a campaign here and there.

00:20:07.000 They are on the runway.

00:20:09.000 And it sounds like once...

00:20:10.000 It's like a corporate.

00:20:11.000 Like once in a while, they'll have a pretty good payday, but it's not consistent.

00:20:15.000 And...

00:20:16.000 And it's not that much.

00:20:17.000 It didn't sound like that much to me for being that hungry all the time.

00:20:20.000 Well, some of them, isn't it?

00:20:21.000 It's just they can do it naturally.

00:20:23.000 Like some of them don't have to struggle as much.

00:20:25.000 Like weight loss?

00:20:26.000 They just have that body shape, that ectomorphic body shape.

00:20:30.000 Honestly, I've only talked to three models because it's not fun to be around them.

00:20:34.000 But even if they're naturally pretty thin, they still, before doing that stuff, had to do liquid stuff.

00:20:44.000 What's the thing where you shoot saline in your butthole? 0.95

00:20:49.000 You shoot saline. 0.95

00:20:50.000 Oh, that thing. 1.00

00:20:50.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:20:52.000 Oh, an enema. 1.00

00:20:52.000 They have to do something like enemas. 1.00

00:20:54.000 Oh, I thought it was like a treatment or something.

00:20:56.000 That thing you make me do before the show. 1.00

00:20:58.000 Shut up! 1.00

00:20:59.000 I don't think this place seems that clean. 1.00

00:21:01.000 It's clean.

00:21:02.000 Trust me.

00:21:02.000 It looks rustic.

00:21:03.000 No, I love doing his podcast, but he's always giving me enemas right before.

00:21:07.000 It's so weird.

00:21:08.000 I trust him. 0.98

00:21:09.000 I don't want you to have to shit in the middle of the broadcast and ruin what I know is going to be the best podcast ever. 0.98

00:21:14.000 All right. 0.99

00:21:14.000 I guess you're right. 0.99

00:21:15.000 Let's pull through this, Amy Schumer.

00:21:18.000 You're right.

00:21:20.000 Enemas, where were we?

00:21:21.000 Oh, models. 0.98

00:21:22.000 What the fuck is it about anybody? 0.98

00:21:24.000 Like, why would anybody get really hung up on the idea of incredibly skinny people wearing their clothes? 0.98

00:21:31.000 I don't know, but it looks good.

00:21:53.000 I don't know what that means.

00:21:56.000 Like, bigger than a four, smaller than an eight.

00:21:58.000 Okay.

00:21:59.000 Anyway, but then, like, they've been like, but on, like, there's some websites or whatever, because you can, like, be like, what's her bra size or what's her size?

00:22:08.000 Oh, come on, really?

00:22:08.000 I mean, people will be like, yeah.

00:22:09.000 I think there's, like, websites that say I'm, like, a 12 or something, but whatever.

00:22:13.000 But anyway, it's all about proportion.

00:22:15.000 And not really about how big or small somebody actually is.

00:22:19.000 But these models that do the best that the clothes look the best, it is like a hanger. 0.99

00:22:23.000 They're basically frail up here.

00:22:26.000 But all clothes look dope on them.

00:22:29.000 But there's only a very small amount of chicks that you can work with. 1.00

00:22:32.000 I think there's also a very different feeling that a woman has...

00:22:41.000 True.

00:22:43.000 True.

00:22:55.000 You cannot impress a guy with a purse, but some of them are really into purses to impress each other with.

00:23:04.000 Shoes, purses, jewelry, I know nothing.

00:23:06.000 I don't have that.

00:23:07.000 I'm missing that.

00:23:09.000 Good for you.

00:23:09.000 That's probably why you're funny.

00:23:11.000 I can be like, oh, that girl looks great, but I don't even aspire to try it because it seems so out of my mind.

00:23:19.000 Out of my range.

00:23:21.000 But I can look at a girl and be like, wow, she's beautiful.

00:23:25.000 But I'm not like, ooh, I wonder what she looks like naked, obviously, because I'm not attracted to girls. 0.99

00:23:31.000 I sound like I'm defending myself.

00:23:33.000 But it's so weird to me. 0.97

00:23:35.000 But I understand it because I feel like when someone's really thin, all the things that we want to do naturally, like eat and fuck and everything... 0.81

00:23:43.000 We celebrate people that are able to abstain the most from that. 0.99

00:23:48.000 Like, oh god, she really knows how to starve herself. 1.00

00:23:56.000 We sort of celebrate people just keeping themselves from biology.

00:24:01.000 That's a big one for women, too, right?

00:24:03.000 The ability to abstain.

00:24:06.000 It's a badge of courage or something.

00:24:10.000 I don't know.

00:24:11.000 I can't do it.

00:24:12.000 Why should you?

00:24:14.000 It's out of my wheelhouse.

00:24:15.000 The idea that we're supposed to is so crazy. 1.00

00:24:17.000 The only problem with women is, of course, that there's so many guys that are pieces of shit. 1.00

00:24:20.000 Men are more dangerous physically in the pieces of shit that you run into, whereas women are more dangerous maybe financially in the pieces of shit that you run into. 1.00

00:24:30.000 What do you mean? 1.00

00:24:31.000 Well, you know, if a guy gets fucked over, usually guys get fucked over in a financial way, like divorces or they get set up. 0.96

00:24:37.000 Like, I've seen guys get set up and it's very disturbing. 0.97

00:24:40.000 I don't know any guy with any money.

00:24:43.000 Like, I seriously have never even dated a guy.

00:24:46.000 I've met guys where I watched them go down.

00:24:49.000 I saw it happening.

00:24:50.000 They were not attractive.

00:24:51.000 They were uncomfortable with women.

00:24:53.000 And they had all of a sudden this really hot girl with them who slowly but surely stalks her way in this position and then bails with a ton of cash. 1.00

00:25:02.000 But then how, like, isn't that transparent?

00:25:04.000 Don't these guys that are 80, aren't they curious, like, why this beautiful Kate Upton lookalike, like, is in love with them?

00:25:13.000 It's because they're successful.

00:25:14.000 I'm suspicious of any guy who's better looking than me that wants to sleep with me.

00:25:17.000 I'm like, why?

00:25:18.000 Like, what do you think I can do for you? 0.97

00:25:20.000 To prove them not gay! 1.00

00:25:20.000 Show you I'm not gay, I'm a shimmer. 1.00

00:25:22.000 But don't you wonder, and I know a lot of, not a lot, but I know a handful of women that had guys take their money. 1.00

00:25:28.000 Because I think women are even more susceptible to just wanting that love and being like, sure, joint checking, I'll buy a house in our name. 0.98

00:25:36.000 Well, I don't think it's mutually exclusive.

00:25:38.000 I mean, you can get ripped off no matter what your sex is, whether your sexual preference. 0.99

00:25:42.000 I'm sure gay guys rip each other off and gay women rip each other off. 1.00

00:25:45.000 As a matter of fact, I know they do. 0.99

00:25:46.000 I'm so like...

00:25:47.000 I know a gay woman who has to pay alimony. 1.00

00:25:50.000 My great-grandma was a bootlegger, and she was always like... 0.91

00:25:53.000 Yeah, her liquor store is still on 54th Street, Schumer's Liquors.

00:25:56.000 Wow!

00:25:57.000 54th Street where?

00:25:59.000 In between Park and Lex.

00:26:01.000 Really?

00:26:02.000 Yeah, it's right across from Monkey Bar. 0.99

00:26:04.000 That is fucking awesome. 0.99

00:26:05.000 What a great story. 0.99

00:26:07.000 Yeah, but she was just pounding it into my head. 1.00

00:26:11.000 I think her husband tried to steal money from her, but she put it away.

00:26:14.000 She's always like, save your money.

00:26:16.000 Good for her.

00:26:17.000 Yeah.

00:26:17.000 You know, it can happen.

00:26:19.000 I mean, you get with the wrong person, the wrong guy, the wrong girl, whatever.

00:26:23.000 That can definitely happen.

00:26:24.000 But I think that happens more with men.

00:26:29.000 Men tend to be the ones who have more money in their relationships. 1.00

00:26:32.000 I'm not saying that women... 1.00

00:26:33.000 What do they make?

00:26:34.000 70?

00:26:34.000 I don't know what it is.

00:26:35.000 But whatever it is, I'm not saying that women can't make money. 0.75

00:26:38.000 Don't jump down my throat.

00:26:39.000 I'm not saying you.

00:26:41.000 I'm saying people out there on the internet.

00:26:42.000 I wish that I've ever dated a guy and had anything for me to steal.

00:26:46.000 Yeah, I make a good amount of money now, you know?

00:26:50.000 Yeah, now it's tough.

00:26:50.000 So it's weird.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, because guys are just like...

00:26:53.000 You have to start dating athletes.

00:26:56.000 Pass.

00:26:57.000 Pass. 0.94

00:26:57.000 Black ones, too. 0.94

00:26:58.000 First of all, I cannot pretend to be interested.

00:27:01.000 In what?

00:27:02.000 Basketball?

00:27:03.000 I like going to games, but I don't ever want to be wearing a jersey and being like...

00:27:09.000 I just don't want to do that. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Once they slip you that giant athlete dick... 1.00

00:27:13.000 Do you know I still haven't been with a black eye? 1.00

00:27:15.000 Isn't that pathetic? 0.95

00:27:16.000 Maybe I'm scared I'll be under the trance. 1.00

00:27:19.000 You will.

00:27:19.000 You'll be dancing.

00:27:21.000 You'll change. 0.99

00:27:22.000 You'll start wearing beads and shit. 1.00

00:27:24.000 I'll wear a jersey as a dress with a belt. 1.00

00:27:27.000 Big hoop earrings.

00:27:28.000 You go hardcore.

00:27:29.000 I'm on a VH1 reality show fighting with other chicks. 0.99

00:27:32.000 No, you'll avoid that.

00:27:34.000 You'll be fine.

00:27:35.000 I don't think so.

00:27:36.000 You're not going to change your personality entirely. 1.00

00:27:38.000 You're just going to crave the black dick. 1.00

00:27:40.000 No, you know, I had one encounter with a huge dick and I talked about it on my last special. 1.00

00:27:45.000 I tapped out. 1.00

00:27:46.000 I was like, no way.

00:27:47.000 Well, maybe the dude didn't know how to use it.

00:27:49.000 He was assaulting you with it.

00:27:51.000 I mean, how many ways are there to use it?

00:27:54.000 Don't you just go like...

00:27:56.000 I don't even think about it.

00:27:58.000 Really?

00:27:59.000 When it's that big, what are you supposed to do?

00:28:02.000 You just have to like... 1.00

00:28:03.000 Stretch out your vagina. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Yeah, I was like, I'm not... 1.00

00:28:06.000 We're not going to have a life together.

00:28:08.000 I'm not going to power through this.

00:28:09.000 Well, how about powering through?

00:28:10.000 How about you change your shape?

00:28:12.000 How about stretches out?

00:28:13.000 Just like when a woman has children and her breasts stretch out and then deflate. 1.00

00:28:17.000 Imagine?

00:28:18.000 No. 0.99

00:28:19.000 If you're having sex with that guy on a regular... 0.98

00:28:20.000 Plus, he's a super athlete. 0.99

00:28:21.000 He's probably constantly horny.

00:28:22.000 Oh my god.

00:28:23.000 No. 0.85

00:28:24.000 Are athletes known as being more horny? 0.87

00:28:27.000 Oh yeah, for sure. 0.95

00:28:28.000 Without a doubt.

00:28:29.000 For real?

00:28:30.000 Are you kidding me?

00:28:31.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

00:28:32.000 I'm never in a relationship where it's like I have the same sexual appetite as the guy I'm dating.

00:28:37.000 It's either they are wanting it too much or it's me wanting it too much.

00:28:42.000 I've never really had it even out.

00:28:45.000 Have you?

00:28:46.000 Yeah.

00:28:47.000 Yeah, where it's been like...

00:28:49.000 Yeah.

00:28:49.000 That's good.

00:28:50.000 That's encouraging.

00:28:51.000 Yeah, I mean, it definitely happens.

00:28:53.000 I think it's way harder for a chick. 1.00

00:28:55.000 I mean, I'm just guessing.

00:28:56.000 I know it is.

00:28:56.000 Obviously.

00:28:57.000 I think so, because it's...

00:28:59.000 But I don't know.

00:29:00.000 If your girl is like, no, not tonight, does it hurt your feelings?

00:29:06.000 Are you like, what's wrong with me?

00:29:08.000 Or you're just like, uh...

00:29:10.000 No.

00:29:10.000 She's tired.

00:29:11.000 Or doesn't want to, or whatever.

00:29:14.000 Yeah, but also you've been...

00:29:15.000 If you're with somebody for a long time, it's different.

00:29:17.000 I don't think there's any reason why two people can't figure out that they're not sexually compatible.

00:29:24.000 And if you start dating each other and you get to a point where you're spending a lot of time together and then you hit that thing, look, I don't want it.

00:29:35.000 Whoa, okay. 0.98

00:29:36.000 We've got to figure out what's important here because there's a bunch of shit that's important here. 0.97

00:29:39.000 The big important one is caring about each other and having a good time together. 0.97

00:29:43.000 That's the number one, right?

00:29:44.000 Being buddies.

00:29:44.000 That's number one.

00:29:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:45.000 But number two is you like to fuck each other. 1.00

00:29:48.000 And if you don't put it at number two, what are you putting at number two? 0.99

00:29:52.000 Yeah.

00:29:53.000 What is there?

00:29:54.000 What's number two?

00:29:55.000 Financial security?

00:29:56.000 I mean, what is it?

00:29:58.000 Coexisting interests?

00:29:59.000 No.

00:30:00.000 I have almost nothing...

00:30:02.000 Yeah.

00:30:27.000 Because the last thing you want is her complaining when you're watching sports. 1.00

00:30:29.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:30:30.000 She doesn't watch sports. 1.00

00:30:31.000 I don't want to date them.

00:30:31.000 Yeah.

00:30:32.000 I have a scene on my show tomorrow night about that.

00:30:35.000 Oh, really?

00:30:36.000 I swear I'm not trying to work it in.

00:30:36.000 That's awesome.

00:30:37.000 It's called Chick Who Can Hang. 1.00

00:30:40.000 And I just want to tell you about it.

00:30:42.000 But yeah, it's guys sitting around.

00:30:43.000 They're like, I just want a girl. 1.00

00:30:44.000 Like, oh, this girl Joey.

00:30:46.000 She had like a lantern jaw. 0.73

00:30:48.000 And like, you know, yeah.

00:30:49.000 Like, she does my fantasy pics.

00:30:51.000 And then you realize, like, they're just describing...

00:30:55.000 Dudes.

00:30:55.000 I know girls that are real into sports.

00:31:01.000 But the difference is I don't care about sports at all.

00:31:04.000 But I'm not like, and I don't want you to.

00:31:07.000 I'm busy and I'm psyched to do my thing and I have my interests.

00:31:12.000 And please, do you.

00:31:15.000 I saw a tweet once where a girl said that girls who are into football get bigger diamonds. 0.89

00:31:21.000 It was one of those Twitter pictures and a bunch of people retweeted it and I think it was a girl with a sexy football outfit on or something.

00:31:28.000 That's so awful and I feel like that's what girls see. 1.00

00:31:33.000 I've been going because the NBA is a big part of this movie that I'm going to do. 0.99

00:31:38.000 Oh shit, what did I say? 1.00

00:31:40.000 Amy gonna get some black dick for the first time. 1.00

00:31:44.000 I don't even know if I was allowed to say that. 1.00

00:31:46.000 Oh, don't say it.

00:31:47.000 It didn't happen.

00:31:48.000 Nobody remembers on the internet.

00:31:49.000 But anyway, like, you know, seeing these, just seeing the way women are represented on TV, like all these Real Housewives, like, just no one's doing, even if they're like, oh, we had like this luncheon for... 0.66

00:32:02.000 For charity, the thing that's getting edited and what we're seeing is you guys being monsters.

00:32:09.000 These shows, this is what girls are seeing. 1.00

00:32:11.000 I have no jewelry.

00:32:13.000 The girls that I'm close to, no one cares about a handbag. 1.00

00:32:17.000 No one gives a shit, but that's not the girls that you see on television. 1.00

00:32:20.000 They're all comics. 0.99

00:32:23.000 It's Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser.

00:32:27.000 Yeah, well, you're all a bunch of artists.

00:32:30.000 You're all trying to be comedians.

00:32:31.000 If a comic, like, all of a sudden became incredibly obsessed with keeping, like, an upstanding or attractive appearance, that would, like, immediately preclude a lot of the comedy.

00:32:41.000 Yeah.

00:32:42.000 You know, because you wouldn't be relaxed at all.

00:32:44.000 You'd be, like, such a—you're inciting, like, a look, a way of someone looking at you, like, look at her with their bag.

00:32:51.000 Yeah.

00:32:52.000 That dress probably costs a lot of money. 0.70

00:32:54.000 I can't believe that people care about that stuff.

00:32:56.000 And it's not that I think I'm better than that.

00:32:58.000 It's honestly insane to me.

00:33:01.000 It's insane to me that anybody would put value on...

00:33:05.000 It's so transparent.

00:33:07.000 Like, look, this is expensive.

00:33:09.000 I think that's so crazy.

00:33:11.000 I think you're totally right, but let's play devil's advocate.

00:33:14.000 What if you're just really into beautifully crafted things?

00:33:18.000 Whether it's a watch, or whether it's a car, or whether it's a purse, Isn't it possible that it couldn't...

00:33:24.000 I see that a lot of people, I believe you're right, a lot of people, they're watching that stuff and they're looking at different people that have different things and they want to show off.

00:33:33.000 They want to show everybody that they've got the purse that costs X or the shoes that costs Y or, oh my God, look at the size of the rock she's got. 1.00

00:33:40.000 There are certainly people that do that.

00:33:42.000 But isn't it possible that there's other people that could just enjoy a beautiful purse or enjoy a beautiful home?

00:33:48.000 I also haven't...

00:33:49.000 I haven't, like...

00:33:51.000 I don't know anyone with really expensive stuff.

00:33:53.000 So if someone was like, look at this watch, it costs 20 grand.

00:33:56.000 I've never seen that.

00:33:57.000 And maybe I'd be like, wow, that's amazing.

00:33:59.000 I'm about comfort and I like traveling.

00:34:01.000 My bed is expensive.

00:34:04.000 I like things that sort of lend themselves to experience.

00:34:08.000 But I haven't seen...

00:34:09.000 But you know what?

00:34:09.000 If you have so much money and you're like, oh, I want to get this beautiful thing, I understand that.

00:34:14.000 But I do know a lot of dudes that are posting pictures of their possessions they got.

00:34:19.000 On Instagram?

00:34:20.000 Yeah, and I'm like...

00:34:21.000 Yeah, it makes me like, oh, come on.

00:34:24.000 Like, you don't have to do that.

00:34:25.000 Well, some dudes have to.

00:34:27.000 But why?

00:34:28.000 What does that mean?

00:34:29.000 Well, they don't have to.

00:34:30.000 Of course, they don't have to.

00:34:31.000 But it's rappers.

00:34:32.000 It's like, rappers are like, I got this.

00:34:34.000 You know, and obviously...

00:34:37.000 I actually love hip-hop, but that was the lyric I just went to.

00:34:40.000 I've got this.

00:34:41.000 Like, I don't...

00:34:41.000 That's obviously not...

00:34:43.000 What they say.

00:34:44.000 But a lot of it is about possessions. 1.00

00:34:48.000 Showing your shit off. 0.99

00:34:49.000 Going on the Dub magazine cover with six cars. 1.00

00:34:53.000 Of course.

00:34:54.000 That's part of that culture.

00:34:55.000 So I think that's where that comes from.

00:34:57.000 It's attached to ego and alpha.

00:35:00.000 Well, it's also a culture that's rebounding from periods of extreme slavery, extreme poverty.

00:35:07.000 There's generation after generation of negative things.

00:35:10.000 The racism, the riots, the civil rights movement.

00:35:14.000 All those things are so recent.

00:35:16.000 It's hard for us to even wrap our heads.

00:35:17.000 I know.

00:35:18.000 It's so recent.

00:35:18.000 It's humiliating.

00:35:20.000 We're so white, too.

00:35:21.000 We don't...

00:35:22.000 We don't feel it.

00:35:23.000 But I have friends that are half black, half white.

00:35:26.000 I have friends that are black.

00:35:27.000 I've seen the differences in how people react to them.

00:35:30.000 And it's fascinating to watch. 0.95

00:35:32.000 Big, dark black dudes get treated with fear everywhere they go. 0.92

00:35:36.000 It's hilarious. 0.98

00:35:38.000 That really is upsetting.

00:35:40.000 I never really paid that much attention to it because a couple of my best friends growing up were black.

00:35:46.000 No, they were black.

00:35:47.000 And I never really thought about it until going on auditions.

00:35:51.000 Because the sign in sheet would be like...

00:35:53.000 For the...

00:35:54.000 Whatever.

00:35:54.000 Susan.

00:35:55.000 And I sign in.

00:35:55.000 And then it's, like, drug dealer.

00:35:57.000 And then it's just, like, these black guys are coming in. 1.00

00:36:00.000 They're, like, signing in. 0.69

00:36:01.000 And I'm, like, oh, man.

00:36:02.000 Like, this is just what society has done.

00:36:05.000 They're, like, this is how we see you.

00:36:08.000 Like, these guys were great actors.

00:36:09.000 It's, like...

00:36:10.000 Listen, Amy, someone's got to play the drug dealer.

00:36:12.000 Wouldn't you want to be a great actor?

00:36:14.000 You want to be some real drug dealer? 1.00

00:36:16.000 What the fuck are you trying to say, you liberal bitch? 1.00

00:36:18.000 No, we had a... 1.00

00:36:19.000 This last season on the show, we had a guy, he was a mugger, and in the scene it was called Skip Therapy, and it's a really funny scene.

00:36:25.000 It's like, And Kyle Dunnigan, the comic, is in it.

00:36:29.000 And this guy steals my bag.

00:36:31.000 And we needed to be a stunt guy.

00:36:33.000 But I forgot that.

00:36:34.000 So the guy who came, he was this great stunt guy.

00:36:37.000 His name's actually Muhammad Ali.

00:36:39.000 Wow, that's his actual name?

00:36:40.000 It wasn't him, but that's his name.

00:36:41.000 And he came and I was like, we cast this black guy as the mugger? 0.96

00:36:45.000 Are you serious?

00:36:47.000 They were like, no, he's really great at martial arts and stunts and stuff.

00:36:50.000 The best is when you have a white mugger that doesn't look like a mugger at all.

00:36:53.000 Yeah, and you're like, oh, oh God, I hate when shows do that.

00:36:56.000 Was that on Seinfeld?

00:36:57.000 Like, there's some shows where they're like, the guy steals the purse, and you're like, oh my God, never has this guy even run before.

00:37:03.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

00:37:05.000 Yeah, I don't think we could ever even wrap our heads around what it would be like to be discriminated against solely, just completely based on the way you look and to have it feel like that's insurmountable.

00:37:15.000 And then once you do make it and you get big, I could see all the braggadocious behavior being exubulent behavior.

00:37:24.000 Exuberant.

00:37:25.000 Oh, I was thinking of that.

00:37:26.000 That's not a word.

00:37:27.000 I made it up.

00:37:27.000 Exuberant.

00:37:28.000 Sounds good, though.

00:37:28.000 Jubilant and exuberant.

00:37:29.000 But what do you get?

00:37:30.000 People look at me...

00:37:32.000 Just getting on stage, you know, just like my first whatever, like 10 years, I feel like it was like... 1.00

00:37:37.000 It's like, ugh, this bitch. 1.00

00:37:40.000 I look like I'm going to be a dumb bitch. 1.00

00:37:45.000 You're so crazy. 1.00

00:37:47.000 You do not look dumb. 1.00

00:37:48.000 I look like I'm going to be a dumb bitch. 1.00

00:37:50.000 Yes, I do. 1.00

00:37:51.000 Are you saying dumb bitch meaning just a woman? 1.00

00:37:53.000 Just like a dumb white woman. 1.00

00:37:55.000 You think you'd look dumb? 1.00

00:37:57.000 I think I look like I've... 1.00

00:37:58.000 If I saw me in a mall, I'd be like, ugh.

00:38:03.000 LAUGHTER Oh my god, that's so funny.

00:38:10.000 I mean, people have known who you are for so long.

00:38:14.000 But how do people like...

00:38:16.000 I look like a meathead, for sure.

00:38:18.000 Yeah, if I just passed you, I'd be like...

00:38:21.000 But I have a lot of meathead tendencies.

00:38:23.000 It's a rational prejudice to think of me as a meathead. 0.99

00:38:27.000 I mean, I'm a fucking cage-fighting commentator, for God's sake. 0.99

00:38:29.000 Right. 1.00

00:38:29.000 And I am a dumb bitch. 1.00

00:38:31.000 And I'm a dumb bitch, too. 1.00

00:38:32.000 I consider myself a silly bitch. 1.00

00:38:34.000 But... 1.00

00:38:36.000 I mean, there's...

00:38:37.000 But the problem is that we have this idea that everyone's so different and that these people that are so different can't be friends.

00:38:43.000 Like, I have friends that don't work out ever.

00:38:45.000 Yeah.

00:38:45.000 I mean, Brian is my friend.

00:38:47.000 Brian has, like, just started working out after, like, four years he started working out.

00:38:51.000 And he smokes cigarettes constantly.

00:38:52.000 When did he stop?

00:38:53.000 He's totally unhealthy.

00:38:54.000 I mean, he just stops.

00:38:56.000 Like, he's not, like...

00:38:58.000 Well, my point is, like, I'm not... 0.94

00:39:00.000 It's not like I can't hang out with other people that don't fucking lift weights and like to watch fighting. 0.79

00:39:05.000 My friends are all different. 0.97

00:39:07.000 I don't even think of you like that.

00:39:07.000 I mean, I know you're in shape and whatever, but that's not...

00:39:10.000 I mean, I've also spoken to you, but I don't know if I just walk past you.

00:39:14.000 I think it's easy to pigeonhole people.

00:39:16.000 And I think there's a lot of us that are a combination of things.

00:39:19.000 And that's the people that are most fascinating to me.

00:39:21.000 When I meet someone and I prejudge for whatever reason and think, oh, this person's probably this.

00:39:27.000 And then it turns out that they're a combination of things that I've never even met before.

00:39:30.000 Yeah.

00:39:31.000 Those are the greatest when you meet someone that doesn't fall in any category.

00:39:35.000 Yeah.

00:39:35.000 And you get to go, oh, I have misconceptions.

00:39:38.000 And then, like, this person is just a unique individual, completely on their own little trip, and cool to see.

00:39:43.000 And then that runs into your database, and now your spectrum sort of broadens a little bit.

00:39:47.000 Your ideas... 0.96

00:39:48.000 That's one of the things that I think one of the reasons why people get in like so many shit relationships because their spectrum is like super narrow. 0.94

00:39:55.000 They've only had like a narrow band of people and the type of experiences have been like really similar and negative over and over again. 0.98

00:40:03.000 But other than it just being a specific type, you know, socioeconomic, that kind of stuff, don't you think it's just like those patterns that were set up just real early on, just from young shit? 0.96

00:40:15.000 It definitely can be, for sure. 0.97

00:40:17.000 You also get it from your parents, I think.

00:40:19.000 Plus and minus.

00:40:21.000 I think some people see their parents involved in, like, really negative relationships and they completely change their gears.

00:40:28.000 And they just reject it, like, from the jump. 0.99

00:40:30.000 And then they don't take any shit from anybody. 1.00

00:40:32.000 They don't let anybody fucking turn them into a doormat. 1.00

00:40:35.000 Totally. 0.99

00:40:35.000 It's either or. 0.99

00:40:36.000 Yeah, it's either or sometimes.

00:40:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:39.000 I do that.

00:40:39.000 I do the, um...

00:40:41.000 Either.

00:40:41.000 I do the former, yeah.

00:40:42.000 Of course.

00:40:43.000 That's where you're a comic.

00:40:43.000 I'm like, oh my god, you can't give me the love I need and you're a narcissist?

00:40:46.000 I'm like, come here, come here, come here.

00:40:48.000 I'm like...

00:40:51.000 Yeah, comics, that's part of the whole reason why we became comics is because we had a hole.

00:40:57.000 Yeah.

00:40:57.000 We were trying to shove some funny in there and stuff up that hole.

00:41:01.000 Yep.

00:41:01.000 And anybody who doesn't have that hole, guess what?

00:41:04.000 Guess what?

00:41:04.000 You're not funny.

00:41:06.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:41:07.000 Go run 90 marathons. 1.00

00:41:09.000 I'm just kidding.

00:41:10.000 I respect what you did, Eddie.

00:41:11.000 Yeah.

00:41:12.000 I think it was only 46, too.

00:41:14.000 Let's not give him more credit than he's doing.

00:41:16.000 I mean, anybody can do 46. Oh, my God.

00:41:19.000 Yeah.

00:41:19.000 I think you can't be a comic unless you're unbalanced.

00:41:22.000 But I think somewhere along the line you can be balanced, at least I like to believe so, that you can balance it out.

00:41:28.000 You can?

00:41:29.000 Yeah, you can right the ship.

00:41:30.000 You just got to figure out what are your needs as far as your psychological needs and how do you meet those?

00:41:36.000 How do you maintain a good psychological existence?

00:41:41.000 Yeah, I feel like I'm getting healthier.

00:41:42.000 Yeah?

00:41:42.000 I hope.

00:41:43.000 Do you feel like that because you're more successful so you're more relaxed too?

00:41:47.000 That's got to benefit you a bit.

00:41:49.000 Um, I'm, I am more relaxed, but I don't, but it's just, yeah, I'm just, like, less stressed by some things, but I am having, like, sort of more pressure on me.

00:41:57.000 But I think it's just, like...

00:41:58.000 Right, showbiz pressure. 1.00

00:41:59.000 Yeah, but I think it's just, like, taking a step back and keeping the people close to you that will tell you, like, that was stupid or, like, you look like dog shit. 1.00

00:42:06.000 Just people keep it real. 1.00

00:42:07.000 So I have, like, people I trust.

00:42:10.000 Um...

00:42:11.000 And you keep it real for yourself, too.

00:42:12.000 I think so.

00:42:14.000 You're constantly questioning things.

00:42:15.000 Do you worry about that, though?

00:42:16.000 Because that is an issue with a lot of people.

00:42:18.000 People worry about becoming famous and then all of a sudden going cuckoo.

00:42:21.000 Because we've kind of seen it.

00:42:22.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:42:25.000 I do worry about...

00:42:26.000 Because I'm...

00:42:29.000 Every day, I feel like somebody slaps you in the face.

00:42:32.000 The way I started going out on the road was on the last Comic Standing tour.

00:42:36.000 And we had to do meet and greets after every show.

00:42:39.000 And sometimes it was like an arena.

00:42:40.000 It would be like 3,000 people, however many would wait.

00:42:42.000 And they voted for some people.

00:42:44.000 So some would come over to me and be like, my husband likes you.

00:42:47.000 So I just got used to...

00:42:49.000 And it was like 40 cities or something.

00:42:51.000 And I just got used to this defense that's just built into me now.

00:42:55.000 So, I've been trying to break down, forget my childhood insecurities, what happened just the first times I went out on the road.

00:43:02.000 So, I'm afraid my defenses got so built up that I had to really break them down so that I could sort of let the right ones...

00:43:11.000 But I am afraid that my defenses will get too strong because you'll see like really famous people that are like your idols or comics you love and you meet them and they're so disappointing because they're so withholding and it's like you're like yeah it's probably because they've been wronged by so many interactions.

00:43:27.000 Mm-hmm.

00:43:42.000 Louis.

00:43:44.000 Louis C.K. When I first was interacting with him, he was kind of standoffish with me.

00:43:51.000 And he should have been.

00:43:54.000 Because I'm sure I wanted something from him.

00:43:58.000 Being a newer comic, you see someone.

00:44:01.000 And at the clubs, you just have this urgency as a comic.

00:44:05.000 And you don't know what to do.

00:44:07.000 No one can tell you.

00:44:09.000 This is what you do to be a better comic.

00:44:11.000 This is what you do to get work.

00:44:12.000 Even if they tell you, just get on stage as much as possible.

00:44:14.000 You can't hear it.

00:44:16.000 So Louis being so sort of guarded with me, he should have been.

00:44:19.000 And now we have a very nice rapport and it's always good to see him and we talk.

00:44:23.000 And I kind of resented him a little bit for being cold to me at first.

00:44:27.000 But I'm like, he should...

00:44:28.000 But I'm like, he should have been, because I'm sure, I didn't even know what I wanted from him, but I'm sure I wanted something from him.

00:44:34.000 So I get it, but also, like you were saying before, around the air, like just, you know, somebody, people project stuff onto you if they have like an interaction that's less than satisfactory.

00:44:44.000 But it's not about you, like you can't change how anybody feels about you. 0.97

00:44:48.000 So, but I'm, whatever, my long rant, my point is just like, I'm trying not to become an asshole. 0.97

00:44:54.000 And to give people the benefit of the doubt at least. 0.92

00:44:56.000 Like, I'll go into every interaction, like, hi.

00:44:59.000 And then if they say something to me that shuts me down, then that's, you know, at least I went into it open.

00:45:05.000 Right.

00:45:05.000 I feel what you're saying.

00:45:07.000 And I think that...

00:45:09.000 That concern is a good thing to have. 1.00

00:45:11.000 And it's cool that you're thinking like that because we all need to learn from the people that we've seen that have disappointed us.

00:45:18.000 Yeah.

00:45:19.000 The people that we've seen that, you know, just for whatever reason, someone became a prick because they became famous.

00:45:24.000 Yeah.

00:45:24.000 And that's happened to a lot of comedians.

00:45:26.000 I've seen it.

00:45:27.000 I've seen it.

00:45:28.000 And they stop being funny, too.

00:45:29.000 There's another weird thing that happens.

00:45:30.000 They get a little too famous, too much adulation, too much, you know, they have a sitcom or something like that.

00:45:37.000 Or they want credit for, like, their new art they're doing.

00:45:41.000 Like, look, I know I was funny at one point, but now I play the standing bass, and, like, if you want to come see me, that's what you're going to get.

00:45:50.000 Who does that?

00:45:51.000 Well, I mean, like, it's not the standing base, but I'm just saying, I think, because I even will have those impulses, like, I don't want to be funny right now.

00:46:00.000 Just, you know? 0.98

00:46:02.000 But you're like, but then I'm like, bitch, that's how people know you. 1.00

00:46:05.000 But wait a minute, wait a minute. 1.00

00:46:06.000 Why don't...

00:46:08.000 You need a podcast.

00:46:09.000 That's what you need.

00:46:10.000 You always say that to me. 0.99

00:46:12.000 Amy Schumer, you need a goddamn podcast because you could, first of all, you're really good at it. 0.99

00:46:15.000 You're very smart. 0.99

00:46:15.000 You're very articulate. 0.99

00:46:16.000 You'd be fascinating at breaking things down.

00:46:19.000 But all those misconceptions would go away if people got to listen to you talk.

00:46:23.000 Then you wouldn't worry about if people knew you because you would put it out there.

00:46:27.000 So many times they would be like real clear.

00:46:30.000 But I'm not that worried about if people know me.

00:46:33.000 Right, but...

00:46:34.000 Well, okay, I see your point.

00:46:36.000 You're not really worried that people know you, but your interactions, you're worried about your interactions with people.

00:46:44.000 Yeah.

00:46:45.000 Yeah.

00:46:46.000 Okay.

00:46:47.000 You just want to make sure that they're as good as possible.

00:46:49.000 I want to know that I did my best and that I was open to having a nice interaction and making small talk and whatever.

00:47:00.000 I don't know what I want.

00:47:01.000 You know, we're talking about, like you were saying, you worry about getting detached.

00:47:05.000 You worry about becoming one of those people that gets goofy. 0.72

00:47:08.000 Yes.

00:47:09.000 One of the best ways to avoid that.

00:47:10.000 Oh, you think having a podcast keeps you grounded?

00:47:11.000 100%.

00:47:12.000 Because you get feedback all the time.

00:47:13.000 Yeah.

00:47:14.000 You constantly get updated and checked.

00:47:17.000 But what's the feedback?

00:47:19.000 Good for.

00:47:20.000 I mean, and I'm on Twitter.

00:47:21.000 I'm sorry.

00:47:22.000 No, I'm on Twitter.

00:47:23.000 And I do think you're right, though.

00:47:24.000 But then, like, I don't think it's good to reinforce negative feedback. 0.99

00:47:29.000 Like, someone will, you know, write, you know, like, you're disgusting. 0.92

00:47:33.000 And then you look and it's like, oh, they write to famous people all day.

00:47:37.000 Yeah, you just block them.

00:47:38.000 You don't have to interact with them.

00:47:39.000 Right, you just block them.

00:47:39.000 I just, like, I would never reward, like, that.

00:47:42.000 Well, that's what I'm talking about.

00:47:44.000 I mean, sometimes people will have valid opinions about what you're doing.

00:47:47.000 Yeah.

00:47:47.000 Whether it's stand-up or whether it's a podcast or whether it's the fucking Upright Tuba or whatever you're doing.

00:47:53.000 Upright Tuba. 0.95

00:47:54.000 Whatever it is.

00:47:55.000 That's really funny.

00:47:57.000 Everybody has, you know, they're going to have opinions.

00:48:00.000 They're going to have opinions on everything you do.

00:48:01.000 Yeah.

00:48:02.000 But sometimes...

00:48:03.000 Having those opinions, if they're mostly swinging to the right side, they're mostly swinging to the good side, it gives you sort of a frequency that you know that they appreciate it.

00:48:14.000 You're tapped into this thing.

00:48:15.000 People love the Amy Schumer show.

00:48:17.000 Boom! 0.99

00:48:17.000 Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central. 0.99

00:48:19.000 Now Amy has a blog. 0.99

00:48:21.000 Hey, watch Amy do videos. 1.00

00:48:23.000 I'm going to go do laundry.

00:48:26.000 You tap into a certain vibe when you get a certain amount of feedback.

00:48:34.000 Yeah, and I feel like as a comic, you know, there's that urge to communicate, which I have.

00:48:41.000 But then there's also, I think also as a girl, there's a bunch of things, and I talk like very openly, and then some of that feedback, it makes you like, oh, should I not be sharing this much of myself?

00:48:53.000 Because, but then you're like, I'm like, no, I've made a decision.

00:48:56.000 Like, I'm going to live my life this way and try to make people laugh and maybe feel better.

00:49:01.000 Right.

00:49:02.000 Right.

00:49:02.000 But then sometimes that's met where you're like, is it worth it?

00:49:06.000 Because this is so hard sometimes.

00:49:08.000 And I'm not just scared of somebody saying something mean to me.

00:49:11.000 It's also people not respecting your boundaries.

00:49:15.000 It's like a struggle.

00:49:18.000 I do have to work and be aware of not becoming...

00:49:25.000 Right.

00:49:26.000 Well, you're not really capable of filtering who knows you once you become famous.

00:49:32.000 And that's a big difference between that and just being an ordinary person going about your day, especially an ordinary woman going about your day. 0.98

00:49:42.000 Because so many men, like with women, take on an aggressive approach. 0.99

00:49:47.000 It's almost like It's almost commonplace, right?

00:49:52.000 The guy just aggressively comes up to girls and hits on them.

00:49:55.000 Women are just as aggressive, I find. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Sometimes, but it doesn't come with the physical threat that it feels like with a man. 1.00

00:50:01.000 Like, if a chick's aggressive with me, I'm always like, okay, it's a crazy bitch, I gotta get out of here. 1.00

00:50:06.000 But I don't, I go, oh my god, what if she follows me to my car? 0.99

00:50:10.000 That is true. 0.57

00:50:11.000 There is the added fun bonus of like, oh, this guy might try and sexually assault me. 1.00

00:50:16.000 Might try to rape you. 1.00

00:50:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:18.000 I mean, that's less fearful when you're a man.

00:50:22.000 I mean, you always could worry about someone doing something to you.

00:50:24.000 To be honest with you, it's a real bummer to know that you could be sexually assaulted.

00:50:29.000 I mean, I can imagine, but I couldn't.

00:50:32.000 It's like I also couldn't imagine being pregnant.

00:50:35.000 There's a lot of things I could pretend to imagine, but I really can't imagine them.

00:50:38.000 I can't imagine not drinking for nine months.

00:50:44.000 I'm like, wow, that's my Eddie Izzard marathon.

00:50:46.000 I'm like, what?

00:50:47.000 What?

00:50:48.000 I'm like, can you just have a press conference?

00:50:50.000 I have a couple questions.

00:50:51.000 You know, people drank while they were pregnant for years.

00:50:54.000 And some of the greatest people that were ever created were created by people who drank.

00:50:57.000 My mom always says that she drank through all four pregnancies.

00:51:00.000 But I only have two siblings.

00:51:01.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:51:02.000 Well, I think you're allowed to have a little wine.

00:51:04.000 I think like a small glass of wine is actually good for your body.

00:51:08.000 And it relaxes you.

00:51:09.000 Right, but I hear that.

00:51:10.000 And then I would be like...

00:51:13.000 How about a bottle?

00:51:15.000 This baby wants an Ambien. 1.00

00:51:17.000 This baby wants to get fucking fucked up! 1.00

00:51:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:22.000 I'm probably barren.

00:51:23.000 I don't even know what I'm talking about.

00:51:24.000 I bet you're not. 0.91

00:51:25.000 Find one of them black athletes when you're doing that show. 1.00

00:51:27.000 Get some of that super sperm. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Squirt! 1.00

00:51:30.000 You'll have twins before you even know it. 1.00

00:51:33.000 What if a year from now I come back and I'm like, I've got twins. 0.61

00:51:38.000 I've got little half black babies. 0.99

00:51:39.000 The crazy thing is all I did was jerk them off. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Nuts. 1.00

00:51:44.000 He came all over my tits. 1.00

00:51:45.000 I'm like, you did this. 1.00

00:51:45.000 The next thing I know, I was pregnant. 1.00

00:51:47.000 I mean, I was adamant.

00:51:48.000 I don't want kids.

00:51:49.000 I take you to court for alimony. 1.00

00:51:52.000 They fucking ran. 0.99

00:51:53.000 You don't need any money. 1.00

00:51:53.000 They ran through the lines in your crotch like fire ants. 1.00

00:51:58.000 Holy crap. 1.00

00:52:01.000 The sperm just, they're different. 0.97

00:52:02.000 What is a sperm?

00:52:03.000 They move.

00:52:04.000 They swim.

00:52:04.000 They swim on land.

00:52:06.000 They're fucking flopping around. 1.00

00:52:07.000 Is this the beginning of an ad for Onnit? 0.99

00:52:08.000 Yeah.

00:52:08.000 They're flopping around like those fish, those snakefish that come out.

00:52:12.000 What are those snakehead fish that come out of water and they walk on the land until they find some new water?

00:52:17.000 Ursula from The Little Mermaid?

00:52:18.000 No, a real fish. 0.99

00:52:20.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:52:21.000 Have you ever seen that? 0.99

00:52:21.000 I saw the movie Piranha in 3D. Did you really? 0.99

00:52:24.000 I didn't know it was going to be 3D, so I was so psyched.

00:52:28.000 When they gave us the glasses, I was like, what?

00:52:30.000 It was one of the best surprises of my whole life.

00:52:32.000 I used to have piranhas, allegedly.

00:52:34.000 What?

00:52:35.000 Yeah, I had a bunch of them.

00:52:37.000 I used to feed them goldfish, allegedly.

00:52:39.000 This is all fiction.

00:52:40.000 Is it illegal to have...

00:52:42.000 Really?

00:52:43.000 Many decades ago.

00:52:44.000 Why?

00:52:44.000 Why is it illegal?

00:52:45.000 Because they're dangerous or what? 1.00

00:52:48.000 Yeah, you could send them into, if you were an asshole, you could put them in a lake somewhere and they'd go in the non-native waters and they would wreak havoc. 0.99

00:52:55.000 And that's happened to a bunch of different fish species. 1.00

00:52:58.000 I think the snakehead was one of them, actually.

00:53:00.000 If it's not the snakehead, it's a different fish.

00:53:02.000 There's a walking fish.

00:53:04.000 Is that it?

00:53:05.000 Ew.

00:53:05.000 Oh my god, I don't need something else to be scared of.

00:53:07.000 Invades New York City.

00:53:09.000 Some people threw these fish in the pond that's in Central Park because they thought it was funny.

00:53:15.000 And so now these things are living in the pond and just destroying everything.

00:53:20.000 When I was there, I saw some fish, some big giant fish, attack something else in the water.

00:53:26.000 Just this big froth of water.

00:53:28.000 And then whatever had happened, you know, happened.

00:53:30.000 In what water was it?

00:53:31.000 There's a pond in Central Park.

00:53:33.000 You know that big pond? 0.61

00:53:34.000 In that water, there's some crazy-ass fish. 0.98

00:53:37.000 This is in Central Park. 0.74

00:53:38.000 Yeah, monster fish in Central Park.

00:53:41.000 Does it attack anything, or can you just see it?

00:53:45.000 Oh, that's it right there.

00:53:46.000 You barely can see it.

00:53:49.000 Yeah, that's a snakehead fish.

00:53:52.000 Those things eat ducks. 1.00

00:53:53.000 They'll eat anything.

00:53:55.000 Oh my god.

00:53:56.000 They're like super hardy too.

00:53:58.000 Like once you get them in an ecosystem, you have to essentially kill everything in that lake to get them all out.

00:54:04.000 What did they do?

00:54:05.000 They just fished?

00:54:06.000 They just wreck havoc, eat everything, and then become cannibals. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Ew! 0.98

00:54:09.000 Oh! 0.98

00:54:10.000 I'm so afraid all the time. 0.99

00:54:11.000 It says, if you see this fish, see a terrifying fish with teeth in Central Park, kill it immediately. 0.99

00:54:17.000 It's too late. 0.97

00:54:19.000 The problem is these things are just shooting out eggs and sperm and breeding like crazy. 0.96

00:54:24.000 This is like Predator.

00:54:25.000 Remember that movie Predator?

00:54:27.000 Yeah.

00:54:27.000 If Predator landed and just started killing all the people, that's what it's like for that thing.

00:54:32.000 That thing going into the pond in Central Park, it's like, woohoo, let the party begin.

00:54:36.000 That is such a bummer.

00:54:37.000 There's lions. 1.00

00:54:38.000 A lion just got led into the fucking zebra cage at the zoo. 1.00

00:54:41.000 That's what it's like. 1.00

00:54:42.000 Oh, I was like, that happened.

00:54:43.000 Well, it could happen.

00:54:44.000 That's what's happening with this fish.

00:54:46.000 That's what it's like.

00:54:47.000 A super predator just got introduced into this humble ecosystem.

00:54:51.000 That's really depressing.

00:54:52.000 We're about to film on that pond.

00:54:53.000 Well, you might watch murder behind you.

00:54:56.000 Fish murder.

00:54:58.000 But the fish is like the worst thing you could ever see for a creationist.

00:55:04.000 The fish walking on the ground and walking to the next pond.

00:55:08.000 Because if you're a creationist and you see that, you go...

00:55:12.000 Yeah, but don't creationists do that all day, looking at everything?

00:55:17.000 Yes.

00:55:18.000 With denial.

00:55:19.000 Yeah.

00:55:20.000 Yeah, but this is one of the most preposterous things ever.

00:55:22.000 Have you ever seen one of these things walk?

00:55:24.000 No, I'm so grossed out just by seeing its mouth.

00:55:27.000 Every time I come here, I leave upset because of the videos.

00:55:30.000 Last time I was here, you showed me. 0.98

00:55:32.000 The guy that got fucked by the horse? 0.98

00:55:33.000 Did I show you that? 0.99

00:55:34.000 Yes, thank you.

00:55:35.000 You're welcome.

00:55:36.000 Thank you.

00:55:37.000 You're welcome.

00:55:38.000 This is nothing nearly as disturbing, but there's a video in the Congo where I think it's prehistoric fish eaten by dinosaur bird.

00:55:47.000 That's what it says.

00:55:48.000 There's this crazy bird called a shoebill.

00:55:51.000 And the shoebill is like five feet tall with an enormous beak.

00:55:56.000 Its beak is like a giant hatchet.

00:55:59.000 Its beak is literally like an axe on its face. 0.89

00:56:03.000 It's a huge beak.

00:56:04.000 And this bird is something out of another era.

00:56:08.000 There used to be birds like that that were seven feet tall that lived in North America.

00:56:13.000 And they don't fly.

00:56:14.000 They just sort of run around and attack things.

00:56:16.000 They're predatory birds.

00:56:18.000 Then why is it a bird?

00:56:19.000 Like a penguin.

00:56:19.000 Penguins don't fly either.

00:56:21.000 And they're like, look, we're birds. 1.00

00:56:22.000 Yeah, we're birds, bitch. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Please do not fuck with us. 1.00

00:56:24.000 Did you see that Dinosaur 3D movie that's available right now on Netflix? 1.00

00:56:27.000 I did not see it.

00:56:28.000 Is it good?

00:56:29.000 It's really good.

00:56:30.000 It's a little kid movie?

00:56:31.000 No, it's not animated.

00:56:33.000 And there aren't that many dinosaurs in it, but it's really worth it.

00:56:36.000 This is a different thing.

00:56:36.000 Yeah.

00:56:37.000 This is not the dinosaur movie.

00:56:39.000 Donald Sutherland.

00:56:40.000 That's the dad?

00:56:41.000 He narrates it and it's really good.

00:56:46.000 I obviously am psyched by 3D. Oh, so it's a recreation of what they looked like?

00:56:51.000 Yeah.

00:56:52.000 Modern Jurassic Park style?

00:56:53.000 Yeah, and it ends, spoiler, with a big...

00:56:56.000 It's not a pterodactyl, but it kind of looks like an ostrich.

00:56:59.000 It just looks like some sort of prehistoric sort of evolving bird that's so awesome.

00:57:04.000 Ostrich is another good example of a bird that doesn't really fly, right?

00:57:07.000 They don't fly. 0.99

00:57:08.000 They don't do shit. 1.00

00:57:09.000 They fuck you up. 1.00

00:57:10.000 They'll kick the shit out of you. 1.00

00:57:11.000 They fuck you. 1.00

00:57:13.000 I saw that video. 1.00

00:57:14.000 They try to fuck people? 0.99

00:57:15.000 Why do I think I've talked about this in here before? 1.00

00:57:16.000 I remember being real traumatized by seeing a guy laying there blindfolded and he doesn't know what's fucking him and it's an ostrich. 0.90

00:57:25.000 Well, that's not me. 0.89

00:57:26.000 You never saw that?

00:57:27.000 No. 0.99

00:57:28.000 By the time that happened, I'd already given up on watching people get fucked by animals. 1.00

00:57:33.000 Don't say that, Joe! 0.99

00:57:35.000 I'll tell you right now.

00:57:35.000 I'm done.

00:57:36.000 There was a certain time a few years back where if you said, hey, here's a link, a guy's getting fucked by an ostrich. 0.98

00:57:42.000 You're clicking on it. 0.88

00:57:42.000 I would click it, but not today. 0.88

00:57:44.000 Today I would be like, again, whatever.

00:57:46.000 I want to call your bluff so bad.

00:57:48.000 You wouldn't call my bluff because honestly...

00:57:49.000 I don't know where it is.

00:57:50.000 If it was something absolutely fantastic where no one had ever seen anything like it before, then I'll click on it. 0.99

00:57:57.000 But I don't watch some dude get fucked by an animal. 0.99

00:57:59.000 No. 1.00

00:57:59.000 I'm done. 1.00

00:58:00.000 Pass.

00:58:01.000 D-U-M. Done. 0.95

00:58:05.000 Don't even try it. 1.00

00:58:07.000 Something like that starts a fucking pinwheel in your head. 1.00

00:58:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:11.000 Starts spinning around.

00:58:12.000 I don't like that.

00:58:12.000 Like, how'd this guy ever get to that point?

00:58:14.000 What did he start out as?

00:58:15.000 He used to be a baby one time.

00:58:16.000 What did his parents do to him? 0.98

00:58:17.000 That's me watching porn. 0.99

00:58:19.000 That's me watching any porn. 0.96

00:58:20.000 Yeah, well, that's a problem, right?

00:58:21.000 I mean, I'll power through it, but still.

00:58:25.000 Well, I always look at it and go, well, yeah, I'm gonna fix them now.

00:58:28.000 Yeah.

00:58:29.000 Too late? 1.00

00:58:29.000 Lessons with some dick. 1.00

00:58:30.000 God has a plan. 0.99

00:58:32.000 Yeah, you can't fix them, unfortunately, but that is exactly how you should feel if you're sort of a humane person.

00:58:38.000 Thank you.

00:58:39.000 You see them and you go, oh, these poor people, probably the victim or something.

00:58:42.000 And you don't call them them.

00:58:43.000 Them?

00:58:44.000 These poor people?

00:58:44.000 Yeah.

00:58:45.000 These?

00:58:45.000 Can you call them these poor people?

00:58:47.000 Those people. 1.00

00:58:50.000 The people that fuck for money. 1.00

00:58:52.000 It's a weird thing that everybody watches that, but nobody admits to it. 0.99

00:58:57.000 A lot of people don't like to admit to porn.

00:59:01.000 Really?

00:59:02.000 Watching it?

00:59:03.000 Yeah. 0.74

00:59:03.000 I don't know anyone in my life that doesn't watch porn. 0.74

00:59:07.000 Wow, you hang out with different people than me. 0.58

00:59:09.000 Really? 0.96

00:59:10.000 I don't know a single dude who doesn't watch porn. 0.94

00:59:14.000 Oh, yeah. 0.90

00:59:14.000 But girls? 0.90

00:59:15.000 You know a lot of girls who watch porn? 1.00

00:59:17.000 All my friends watch porn. 1.00

00:59:18.000 Your friends are all freaks. 0.99

00:59:19.000 But no, no, when I was younger, I was like, I did not like porn, like, at all. 0.93

00:59:24.000 I remember I had a boyfriend, I was like 23 or 4, and I was like, I thought I was like cheating.

00:59:28.000 And then I grew up.

00:59:29.000 And then you're like, oh wait, this is awesome.

00:59:31.000 For a lot of guys, 23 is when, that's the age cutoff.

00:59:35.000 So they don't get to that new mature woman, they just find another girl's angry at porn. 0.60

00:59:39.000 Oh.

00:59:41.000 No, I really, I, no, I really like it.

00:59:44.000 I have friends that are like that, though.

00:59:45.000 When a girl gets to like 23, they completely lose interest. 0.90

00:59:48.000 Yeah?

00:59:49.000 And they move on.

00:59:50.000 Yeah.

00:59:51.000 No, you don't know girls are like... 1.00

00:59:53.000 Yeah, all my girlfriends...

00:59:54.000 Again, they're all comedians, but...

00:59:56.000 I think that girl comedians are probably just a completely different animal. 1.00

01:00:00.000 I guess.

01:00:01.000 If I had to guess.

01:00:02.000 I don't know.

01:00:04.000 You know, yeah, I thought...

01:00:06.000 They're a little wilder, crazier.

01:00:08.000 I don't even think so.

01:00:09.000 I don't think so.

01:00:10.000 I don't think I'm any wilder or crazier.

01:00:12.000 I think I'm probably, like, pretty boring. 0.99

01:00:14.000 But I, you know, like having sex. 0.97

01:00:18.000 Yeah, that's not wrong with saying that on the radio or a podcast. 0.63

01:00:21.000 No, I don't know why it's, like, so...

01:00:23.000 Why is that a thing?

01:00:25.000 I mean, it feels good.

01:00:26.000 It's okay to say you like massages.

01:00:28.000 People always ask me, like in local press, they're like, why do you talk about sex so much?

01:00:34.000 I'm like, it's the most interesting thing we do as people.

01:00:38.000 I think...

01:00:39.000 Like, why wouldn't I want to talk about...

01:00:41.000 I think it's, like, really funny.

01:00:43.000 Why, you know?

01:00:45.000 And it's not that I think... 0.62

01:00:47.000 I think I'm probably having, like, pretty mundane sex compared to everybody else.

01:00:51.000 Pretty basic.

01:00:52.000 But just, like, just hearing a girl, like, mention it just kind of makes people, like, why?

01:01:00.000 I don't...

01:01:01.000 This is just judging by doing, like, local...

01:01:04.000 Right, well you gotta think about different people's, like the jobs they have and the amount of restraint that's required to keep a job at an office where you're not allowed to talk about anything freaky for like eight hours a day.

01:01:15.000 You're right.

01:01:16.000 I haven't had like an office, even before stand-up I was just like bartending.

01:01:19.000 Yeah, you're like Ari Shafir but you're a woman. 1.00

01:01:22.000 Thank you.

01:01:23.000 You're a comic. 0.62

01:01:24.000 Your perceptions, why they would be upset at you for talking about sex or liking sex.

01:01:30.000 Because to them, it's like a mind blower.

01:01:32.000 She talks about sex all the time. 0.94

01:01:34.000 She just talks about liking it.

01:01:36.000 But it's not that I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe there's not something in my body right now.

01:01:40.000 I feel like I have a totally normal sexual appetite.

01:01:44.000 Totally normal. 0.97

01:01:45.000 I probably watch porn twice a week.

01:01:47.000 The controversy is just talking about it, talking about a sexual appetite at all.

01:01:51.000 That's the controversy.

01:01:52.000 But, like, that's so weird, I think.

01:01:54.000 Even, I just, you know, did some shows on NPR, and, like, there, they act like they've never experienced penetration before.

01:02:03.000 Well, you remember what happened with Sarah Silverman when she did that TED Talk, and they completely censored her.

01:02:07.000 They pulled it down. 0.61

01:02:08.000 But that was about, like, a kid being retarded. 0.99

01:02:12.000 The TED Talk?

01:02:13.000 The TED Talk was not about sex.

01:02:14.000 Wasn't it just her act?

01:02:15.000 I thought it was her act.

01:02:16.000 I thought it was the joke, and I don't remember what the joke was.

01:02:19.000 Okay, let's find out.

01:02:20.000 We should find out since we're talking about it.

01:02:21.000 Sarah Silverman, TED Talk.

01:02:23.000 Yeah, I don't think it was sexual.

01:02:24.000 I think it was making that joke. 0.66

01:02:26.000 But she's so sexual. 0.83

01:02:28.000 Is she? 0.59

01:02:28.000 I don't think of Sarah as super sexual. 0.59

01:02:30.000 Oh my god, are you kidding me? 0.79

01:02:32.000 Her act is very sexual. 0.99

01:02:33.000 It's very dirty. 0.97

01:02:34.000 It's hilarious.

01:02:35.000 Oh, she's hilarious. 1.00

01:02:36.000 But it's very...

01:02:38.000 Ted vs. 0.92

01:02:39.000 Sarah Silverman fight turns really retarded. 1.00

01:02:41.000 Yeah, it was about that.

01:02:44.000 Okay.

01:02:45.000 Known for her shock and insult humor, was invited to give a TED Talk.

01:02:49.000 She subsequently trashed TED organizer Chris Anderson, who tweeted, I know I shouldn't say this about one of my own speakers, but I thought Sarah Silverman was god-awful. 1.00

01:02:59.000 I can't believe he wrote that. 1.00

01:03:00.000 He's a bitch. 1.00

01:03:01.000 I'm real disgusted. 1.00

01:03:02.000 The problem was that Silverman kept using the word retarded to fight Sarah Palin's recent rant about the word.

01:03:10.000 The whole talk flew right over the Ted crowd.

01:03:14.000 So, wow.

01:03:15.000 That is hilarious.

01:03:17.000 Anderson deleted his tweet, but Silverman hit back today with her own, saying that kudos to Ted Criss for moving Ted...

01:03:25.000 For making Ted an unsafe haven for all. 1.00

01:03:28.000 You're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates' asshole. 1.00

01:03:32.000 That's awesome. 1.00

01:03:33.000 I love her response.

01:03:34.000 Oh my god, she crushed him.

01:03:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:35.000 You're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates' asshole. 1.00

01:03:39.000 That's so good. 1.00

01:03:41.000 Oh my god, that is beautiful.

01:03:43.000 That's poetry.

01:03:43.000 That's Shakespeare.

01:03:44.000 Oh my god, that's so funny.

01:03:45.000 And then Steve Case waded into the fight to defend Anderson.

01:03:51.000 He tweeted, shame on you to Silverman, adding, the sad thing is you're not that funny.

01:03:57.000 You lose. 1.00

01:03:58.000 You lose just for saying that, stupid. 1.00

01:04:00.000 Shame on you, you lose. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Unless you're being silly. 1.00

01:04:04.000 Right there, you lose. 1.00

01:04:05.000 Like, if you say something to me and I say, shame on you.

01:04:07.000 Shame on you, Amy Schumer.

01:04:09.000 Or, how dare you, Amy Schumer. 1.00

01:04:10.000 That's...

01:04:11.000 I'm joking.

01:04:12.000 This guy is shame on you for real.

01:04:14.000 So when you say shame on you for real...

01:04:16.000 You're out.

01:04:16.000 You lose.

01:04:17.000 You're out of the running.

01:04:17.000 The game's over.

01:04:18.000 The sad thing is, you're not that funny.

01:04:20.000 Oh, no.

01:04:21.000 What... 0.99

01:04:21.000 Okay, you explain to me the whole barnacle on Bill Gates asshole line then. 0.99

01:04:26.000 That's a killer line. 1.00

01:04:26.000 Because that shit is hilarious. 1.00

01:04:28.000 The fuck out of here, you're not that funny. 1.00

01:04:30.000 Do a TED Talk on why that's not funny and... 1.00

01:04:32.000 Silverman's response was, you should be nicer to the last person on earth with an AOL account.

01:04:40.000 She got him too! 1.00

01:04:42.000 Boom, bitch! 1.00

01:04:43.000 The fight between Silverman and Case continued, but you get the picture. 1.00

01:04:47.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:04:48.000 Good for her.

01:04:49.000 Well, that happened when Salon.com went after Patton Oswalt and he crushed them.

01:04:55.000 It's just so arbitrary.

01:04:57.000 You have no control over what somebody picks up on what happens like that. 1.00

01:05:01.000 I mean, of course, if you go on some rant where you're saying racist shit, that's ridiculous. 0.99

01:05:05.000 But for comics, it's just a slow news day. 0.99

01:05:09.000 And they're like, this was a problem.

01:05:11.000 People just choose.

01:05:12.000 Norton, after people were getting really mad at me about a joke I made about Steve-O on the Sheen roast, and Norton, he stood up for me and was like, your selective outrage.

01:05:23.000 Was it Steve-O or the guy who died?

01:05:25.000 The joke was saying that we all wished...

01:05:28.000 Why couldn't it be Stivo?

01:05:29.000 Yeah, that was a joke.

01:05:30.000 They made the same joke about Geraldo with Anthony Jeselnik, but...

01:05:35.000 But it's a comic.

01:05:36.000 You're allowed to do that.

01:05:37.000 Comics are allowed to do that.

01:05:38.000 Stivo's on the road.

01:05:39.000 Oh, I know.

01:05:40.000 He's a comic.

01:05:40.000 Yeah.

01:05:41.000 Well, listen, I'm with you.

01:05:42.000 Yeah.

01:05:43.000 I know you're with me.

01:05:44.000 It's one of those things where you go, yikes!

01:05:46.000 But hey, with comedy, it's always who's going to be the first person to make the yike.

01:05:52.000 I honestly didn't think it was going to be that much of a yikes. 1.00

01:05:55.000 When a sweet looking girl like you does it, it's going to get an extra impact. 1.00

01:05:58.000 I honestly didn't think that was going to be that big of a yikes. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Wow.

01:06:01.000 I wasn't going for the headline on BuzzFeed, I swear.

01:06:06.000 I would definitely think it would be a yike. 1.00

01:06:08.000 I don't know what the fuck you were thinking. 0.99

01:06:10.000 Man, I swear, I was really surprised because it wasn't a big deal. 0.99

01:06:14.000 It wasn't a big deal in the room.

01:06:16.000 It was like, we're all hitting hard, right?

01:06:19.000 I just didn't even think that was going to be a big deal, honestly.

01:06:21.000 I just think that's comics.

01:06:23.000 I'm used to sitting around with those guys at the cellar.

01:06:25.000 Yeah.

01:06:26.000 And it's fun.

01:06:28.000 It's how we communicate.

01:06:30.000 Yeah.

01:06:31.000 I can't tell you where half of these guys who are my best friends grew up, but I'm ready with so many insults for them. 1.00

01:06:39.000 If one of them walks back wearing a stupid jacket, I can't wait. 1.00

01:06:43.000 I can't wait. 1.00

01:06:45.000 Norton is awesome at that, too.

01:06:46.000 Everybody's awesome at that.

01:06:47.000 Oh, my God.

01:06:48.000 Norton has crushed me so many times.

01:06:51.000 Norton talked about this funny story.

01:06:52.000 He talked about it on Opie and Anthony where he had a slice of pizza and Louis C.K. saw him on the street and just slapped a slice of pizza to the ground and called him a faggot. 1.00

01:07:02.000 Just for no reason. 1.00

01:07:05.000 And he starts laughing when he's telling the story.

01:07:07.000 And he's like, oh, it was a juicy pizza pizza too.

01:07:09.000 It was a nice one.

01:07:10.000 So good.

01:07:11.000 It's just so good.

01:07:12.000 You couldn't do that to another person.

01:07:14.000 They wouldn't appreciate the humor and the inappropriateness.

01:07:18.000 But it makes us so happy.

01:07:19.000 The other night we were just playing Keith Robinson when he got eliminated from Star Search.

01:07:23.000 We were playing it over and over again in front of him. 0.99

01:07:26.000 And by the way, don't think that you can come up to Amy Schumer and slap her fucking pizza down. 0.99

01:07:31.000 That's not what we're saying. 0.99

01:07:32.000 You have to be a comedian.

01:07:33.000 You have to be a friend. 1.00

01:07:34.000 You have to know each other, you son of a bitch. 1.00

01:07:35.000 You have to be a good friend. 1.00

01:07:37.000 But that's so funny.

01:07:39.000 Yeah.

01:07:39.000 Oftentimes.

01:07:40.000 Attell is the best.

01:07:41.000 Attell.

01:07:42.000 Did you see his special road work?

01:07:43.000 I heard it's awesome.

01:07:44.000 It's so funny.

01:07:45.000 You can get it.

01:07:46.000 I'm so happy that he's doing well again.

01:07:48.000 His show looks dope. 0.98

01:07:49.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.96

01:07:50.000 I think he's the funniest guy alive. 1.00

01:07:52.000 That guy is fucking hilarious. 0.87

01:07:52.000 I don't think there is a funniest guy alive, but he's one of my favorites, that's for sure. 0.87

01:07:56.000 Yeah, but he, I was sitting at the table with my, just sitting around with a bunch of female comics, and we were all, like, eating, like, dessert.

01:08:02.000 It was, like, a really, like, sad moment.

01:08:04.000 He just walks up, we're like, hey, Dave.

01:08:05.000 He's like, oh, what are you guys having?

01:08:07.000 No boyfriend a la mode?

01:08:08.000 And just, like, keeps walking.

01:08:09.000 Ha ha ha!

01:08:10.000 We were all just like, do you know every bite of that like tiramisu was like the saddest.

01:08:17.000 Oh, that's so funny.

01:08:19.000 But it's just like, no boyfriend, I don't know.

01:08:22.000 And he just like, we're like, hey Dave, he didn't even see us until he turned and then just boom, fired at us and kept going.

01:08:29.000 Just like...

01:08:30.000 Right off the cuff.

01:08:31.000 Boom.

01:08:32.000 He's definitely one of the best joke writers out there.

01:08:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:08:35.000 Because he's got so much of his act is jokity-joke-joke-joke, jokity-joke-joke-joke, you know?

01:08:40.000 So funny.

01:08:41.000 Yeah, he's hilarious.

01:08:42.000 That skanks for the memories, one of my favorite CDs ever.

01:08:45.000 So good.

01:08:46.000 Yeah.

01:08:46.000 It's a nice time to be a comedy fan.

01:08:49.000 Yeah.

01:08:49.000 A lot of good comics out there now.

01:08:51.000 It's just a totally different experience than it was 20 years ago, I think.

01:08:54.000 I think a lot of it is probably because of the internet.

01:08:57.000 Like, more people have an avenue.

01:08:59.000 There's more demand for comedy.

01:09:00.000 But I even think... 0.90

01:09:02.000 Staying at some comedy condos on the road, they'll have VHSs of old specials, and a lot of them are pretty shitty.

01:09:10.000 It'll be kind of topical, and there is that off-the-cuff...

01:09:14.000 That movie Punchline, how it had Sally Fields coming out at the end, kind of just winging it and it working out as a comic, that just set up a whole, I think, wave of people being like, maybe I'm amazing at comedy and I don't know it.

01:09:28.000 Well, that movie was so bad.

01:09:29.000 The stand-up in that movie was so rough.

01:09:32.000 It was so obviously not real stand-up.

01:09:34.000 It was like they were faking it and the audience reaction was fake.

01:09:38.000 You can't do that.

01:09:39.000 It doesn't work with stand-up. 1.00

01:09:41.000 You can fake being a fucking union boss and screaming at the fucking people in the yard. 0.99

01:09:46.000 But if there's an artificial feeling to that, it's not nearly as offensive as the artificial feeling of watching Tom Hanks kill it with nonsense. 1.00

01:09:56.000 That was so brutal.

01:09:57.000 Like, oh, he's just talking.

01:10:00.000 Yeah, you could see he probably could be a comic.

01:10:03.000 He had good delivery, good setups.

01:10:06.000 Who's doing the Pryor movie?

01:10:08.000 I don't know if they cast who's going to play Richard Pryor yet, but I was like...

01:10:12.000 Wasn't it going to be Eddie Griffin at one point in time?

01:10:14.000 I don't know, but I hope it's a comic.

01:10:15.000 It has to be.

01:10:16.000 I don't know.

01:10:17.000 I don't know.

01:10:18.000 It would have to be.

01:10:19.000 I mean, I would think it would have to be, but even then, it's not going to work.

01:10:22.000 I know.

01:10:22.000 One guy pulled it off, ever.

01:10:24.000 What, playing a comic?

01:10:25.000 Dustin Hoffman.

01:10:26.000 You ever see Lenny?

01:10:28.000 No. 0.99

01:10:28.000 It's fucking brilliant. 0.99

01:10:29.000 Yeah? 0.99

01:10:30.000 It's fucking brilliant. 0.98

01:10:31.000 How did he get ready for it? 0.99

01:10:34.000 He did everything.

01:10:34.000 Did he go on the road or anything?

01:10:35.000 That's a really good question. 0.97

01:10:36.000 I don't know what he did, but what he did do when he did the movie is get Lenny Bruce down to a fucking T. Yeah. 0.95

01:10:42.000 It was incredible. 0.71

01:10:43.000 I mean, it was one of the best performances of his career, and very few people know about it.

01:10:46.000 Yeah.

01:10:47.000 I mean, very few people outside of stand-ups even know who Lenny Bruce was.

01:10:50.000 Lenny Bruce or like Bill Hicks?

01:10:52.000 Bill Hicks more.

01:10:53.000 More people know who Bill Hicks is.

01:10:54.000 Yeah.

01:10:55.000 But Lenny Bruce is just sort of a name. 0.99

01:10:57.000 You know, like a fucking Sid Caesar. 0.99

01:11:00.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:11:01.000 Yeah.

01:11:01.000 It's like one of those names you don't really ever see their work.

01:11:03.000 No, you've heard it, but yeah.

01:11:04.000 Red Buttons.

01:11:05.000 Oh, that guy.

01:11:06.000 Yeah.

01:11:06.000 I've heard of him.

01:11:07.000 We don't sit around, unless you're like a real... 1.00

01:11:09.000 Yeah, that's something I like to do on the road is go on record stores and listen to whatever comedy albums they have.

01:11:17.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:11:18.000 That's really fun.

01:11:19.000 Well, first of all, it's sad that I'm like, and then I'll do this today when I'm in a city.

01:11:24.000 There's a sadness to it.

01:11:25.000 And it also keeps me up because I feel bad.

01:11:29.000 But why is that sad?

01:11:30.000 Yeah.

01:11:31.000 I think being a stand-up is such an isolating life.

01:11:36.000 But I will be like, I look forward to my couple things I like to do in cities.

01:11:41.000 I don't know.

01:11:41.000 I think everything about being a stand-up is sad.

01:11:44.000 Really?

01:11:44.000 I think so.

01:11:45.000 Do you go on the road with other friends?

01:11:49.000 Well, I have Mark Normand, who's hilarious, opens for me.

01:11:53.000 Or I have my friend Bridget Everett.

01:11:55.000 Actually, now she closes for me.

01:11:57.000 She's hilarious.

01:11:58.000 She's a cabaret singer. 0.97

01:12:00.000 She closes for you?

01:12:02.000 Yeah.

01:12:03.000 No one can follow her.

01:12:05.000 What does she do? 1.00

01:12:06.000 She does Montreal.

01:12:09.000 She'll do the nasty show, but she'll have to close it because it's not stand-up. 1.00

01:12:14.000 She's a singer. 1.00

01:12:15.000 She's an amazing singer. 1.00

01:12:16.000 Is she the one who does that Hannibal Buress show? 1.00

01:12:18.000 She just did Hannibal's show with Method Man.

01:12:20.000 I keep saying Burress. 0.96

01:12:21.000 It's Burress.

01:12:22.000 It's Burress, yeah.

01:12:23.000 I always do that.

01:12:23.000 I've known it, too, for years.

01:12:24.000 I don't think you care.

01:12:25.000 I bet you guys were funny together.

01:12:27.000 Yeah, he's a funny dude.

01:12:28.000 So I've seen her.

01:12:29.000 I saw her.

01:12:30.000 He showed me a video.

01:12:31.000 He said she's incredible. 1.00

01:12:32.000 She's a killer. 1.00

01:12:32.000 So at first, I just want people to see her. 1.00

01:12:35.000 She's the only... 0.96

01:12:36.000 I do stand-up on my show, and I'll do an interview.

01:12:39.000 And the only time I don't do an interview is if she's performing.

01:12:42.000 She's in a band with Ad-Rock.

01:12:44.000 She's such a badass. 1.00

01:12:45.000 But I was like, I just need people to see her.

01:12:47.000 Bridget Everett.

01:12:48.000 And so she came on the road with me, and I was like, man, she's such a closer.

01:12:53.000 But then I was like, I still want her to come out with me.

01:12:55.000 So I just would do an hour, and then I'd be like, that's the show, and I have a special guest.

01:12:59.000 And I have her come out, because I feel like she changes people's lives with how amazing she is as a performer.

01:13:05.000 Wow.

01:13:06.000 You laugh so hard and it just, I don't know, it just like changes.

01:13:10.000 High praise.

01:13:11.000 Oh my god.

01:13:12.000 That's awesome.

01:13:13.000 And you buddies in real life?

01:13:14.000 Yeah.

01:13:15.000 See, that makes the difference for me.

01:13:16.000 Yeah, you travel with your friends.

01:13:18.000 Like going on the road, always.

01:13:19.000 Always travel with my friends.

01:13:20.000 But don't you just have one person open for you?

01:13:23.000 Sometimes two.

01:13:24.000 Oh, okay.

01:13:24.000 That's nice.

01:13:25.000 I've done two.

01:13:25.000 I've done three before.

01:13:26.000 Really?

01:13:27.000 Yeah, I've done three.

01:13:28.000 That would be really fun.

01:13:29.000 We got to go out on a bus this time.

01:13:31.000 And it was fun because Mark Norman has been opening for me.

01:13:34.000 And he's hilarious.

01:13:35.000 But Bridget, what she does, she goes out into the crowd.

01:13:38.000 It's such a physical thing.

01:13:40.000 Yeah, I've seen some of the videos. 1.00

01:13:41.000 She sits on dudes' laps and sings to them and shit. 1.00

01:13:44.000 She'll motorboat anybody. 1.00

01:13:47.000 Her act is so killer. 0.99

01:13:50.000 But it's been so cool because Mark started opening for me four or five years ago.

01:13:56.000 So the answer is yes.

01:13:56.000 You like to go on the road with your friends.

01:13:58.000 Yeah.

01:13:58.000 So when you go on the road with your friends, doesn't it make it less sad because you're all just having a good time together?

01:14:02.000 Yeah.

01:14:03.000 Totally.

01:14:04.000 That doesn't erase the 10 years. 0.99

01:14:06.000 A long time ago, I figured that shit out way early. 0.98

01:14:08.000 I took a pay cut way early to do that. 0.99

01:14:11.000 Right.

01:14:11.000 Because it's just two.

01:14:12.000 Yeah.

01:14:13.000 And I would even get grief about it.

01:14:15.000 They would say, well, you know, it costs you this much to file this person out and that much to hire them and, you know, you're making this much less because I'm like, so what?

01:14:21.000 Well, no, I got my sister traveling with me and my brother-in-law.

01:14:26.000 We have a camp.

01:14:27.000 We have a little camp, and that's why the road has been really sweet lately.

01:14:30.000 That's nice.

01:14:31.000 It's fun.

01:14:31.000 That's definitely a good thing.

01:14:32.000 Yeah.

01:14:33.000 Also, I find I feel funnier when I'm hanging out with all my friends because we're all laughing at each other.

01:14:37.000 Right, and it keeps you down.

01:14:38.000 You're not going to be like, yeah, you get too serious.

01:14:41.000 Like I'm doing Orlando on Thursday with Joey Diaz.

01:14:45.000 Nice.

01:14:46.000 Or Friday, actually.

01:14:47.000 This Friday.

01:14:47.000 We leave Thursday.

01:14:49.000 What's the...

01:14:49.000 It's going to be some theater, but we're just going to have so much fun.

01:14:53.000 I mean, it's like I can't imagine not having fun hanging out with Diaz all day.

01:14:57.000 Totally.

01:14:57.000 We're going to have a great time.

01:14:58.000 You're going to laugh.

01:14:59.000 You'll laugh all day.

01:15:00.000 Yeah. 0.88

01:15:00.000 So the road is like home, you know, because Joey's family and we've been together, we've been friends for fucking forever now. 0.88

01:15:07.000 Then you go get dinner after.

01:15:08.000 Yeah, we'll have lunch.

01:15:09.000 Have an activity, yeah. 0.99

01:15:10.000 Joey will go to the gym and tell me about his fucking jiu-jitsu class. 0.99

01:15:13.000 Joey's going to jiu-jitsu now. 0.99

01:15:15.000 Really?

01:15:15.000 To defend his kid?

01:15:16.000 Yeah, he's doing kettlebell swings and shit. 0.99

01:15:17.000 No, he's just doing, trying to be healthy, you know, doing a little exercise. 0.98

01:15:21.000 That's awesome.

01:15:22.000 Yeah, he's the most fun guy ever to hang out with.

01:15:24.000 Yeah, we have fun on the road.

01:15:25.000 The first time I did Orlando, when Mark opened for me, and we stayed at this hotel, and it had a water slide.

01:15:31.000 Ah, that's awesome.

01:15:32.000 Yeah, I was like, oh my god.

01:15:34.000 And it made me go do that club again, because I was like, well, they've got that water slide at that hotel.

01:15:38.000 Dude, water slide.

01:15:39.000 There was a place in Phoenix where you used to do the Tempe Improv that had a water slide. 0.98

01:15:43.000 It was fucking awesome.

01:15:44.000 Just like the reasons you say yes. 0.94

01:15:46.000 So much fun.

01:15:46.000 In comics, you know, you're like, oh god, that club is super weird, but the hotel's good.

01:15:50.000 Like, they do a free hour of drinks.

01:15:52.000 You're like, oh, okay, I guess I'll do it again.

01:15:53.000 You know what else has a water slide?

01:15:54.000 Is the Hard Rock in Florida.

01:15:57.000 In Hollywood, Florida.

01:15:58.000 Yes, in Hollywood, Florida.

01:15:59.000 Me and Tate, my friend Tate, we had a couple hours to kill before our flight, and we found out about the water slide.

01:16:06.000 You did the inner tube for two. 0.99

01:16:07.000 We're like, fuck yeah! 0.99

01:16:08.000 We water slided for like two hours before we had to leave. 0.99

01:16:11.000 Hell yeah! 0.95

01:16:11.000 It was so much fun. 0.95

01:16:12.000 There were tunnels and shit. 0.99

01:16:14.000 You go shooting out the bottom of a tunnel. 1.00

01:16:15.000 So good.

01:16:16.000 We were there the second time we went back, and there was a family, I guess they were Muslim, they were wearing burkinis.

01:16:23.000 Oh my god.

01:16:24.000 Do you know this?

01:16:25.000 That's real?

01:16:26.000 Yeah.

01:16:26.000 All the girls were in bikini.

01:16:29.000 Yeah.

01:16:30.000 A bikini.

01:16:31.000 But it's a burka.

01:16:32.000 Okay.

01:16:33.000 A waterproof burka.

01:16:34.000 So their face is covered or their whole body is covered?

01:16:37.000 It was their eyes were out or their face is out and everything else was covered.

01:16:42.000 Jamie, pull up a bikini. 0.95

01:16:43.000 Jesus Christ.

01:16:45.000 Boom! 0.99

01:16:45.000 I gotta see this. 0.99

01:16:46.000 That can't be real.

01:16:47.000 Yeah, and I was like, man, I want that.

01:16:50.000 Like, why can't...

01:16:51.000 Jesus Christ.

01:16:51.000 I would have gone on the water slide ten more times than that.

01:16:54.000 That literally freaks me out.

01:16:56.000 What?

01:16:56.000 That chick looks so...

01:16:57.000 First of all, that chick does not look like the people that were at the water park with us.

01:17:01.000 But that freaks me out.

01:17:02.000 That chick's name is like Kelly. 1.00

01:17:04.000 Come on.

01:17:05.000 That is so insane.

01:17:07.000 Look at these.

01:17:07.000 Burkini.

01:17:08.000 That is insane.

01:17:11.000 It's just...

01:17:11.000 It's insane that...

01:17:13.000 They look so happy.

01:17:16.000 You're being cute.

01:17:17.000 It's insane that culture forces that.

01:17:22.000 That's one of the most insane things in 2014. That's fear, right?

01:17:27.000 Isn't that just fear of women? 1.00

01:17:29.000 I guess.

01:17:29.000 It's also a pattern.

01:17:31.000 It's a religious pattern.

01:17:32.000 That religious pattern.

01:17:34.000 One on the left, pow, pow, pow!

01:17:36.000 Hello!

01:17:37.000 The one on the right, now, now, now, now, now.

01:17:40.000 Jesus, you ain't fixing that.

01:17:42.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 Poor girl. 1.00

01:17:45.000 I went to Dubai once for stand-up and it was a real bummer.

01:17:48.000 It's a bummer.

01:17:49.000 Yeah.

01:17:50.000 It's a bummer seeing people, and you know, they don't think it's a bummer because they're used to it.

01:17:53.000 Yeah.

01:17:54.000 It's a bummer for you, though, if you have freedom to dress however you want and you see something like that and you just go, what's going on?

01:17:59.000 Yeah.

01:17:59.000 Why only the women?

01:18:01.000 Like, how come the men can wear shorts and you can wear whatever the fuck you want? 0.99

01:18:04.000 Like, what? 0.98

01:18:05.000 Right.

01:18:05.000 Can they, though?

01:18:06.000 I don't know.

01:18:07.000 I mean, a lot of the men wear religious garbs as well.

01:18:09.000 The Emiratis there could do whatever.

01:18:11.000 Whatever they want.

01:18:12.000 Whatever.

01:18:13.000 Even some of the comics I was working with, it was like some of them could say things and some of them couldn't.

01:18:18.000 I feel terrible whenever I see any form of suppression. 0.99

01:18:22.000 So when I see that, that shit drives me crazy. 0.99

01:18:24.000 That was the worst thing, was seeing the way that they dealt with the Filipino waitstaff. 1.00

01:18:29.000 Just the people, because it's such a caste system there. 0.93

01:18:31.000 It's like, forget about the women being that. 1.00

01:18:36.000 Shielded, it was like, that was a bummer.

01:18:39.000 Well, have you ever seen – there were some pieces that were done on some unscrupulous employees or employers, rather, that were taking these people from other countries.

01:18:49.000 They were getting them from like a guy who would be like a wrangler.

01:18:53.000 And he would go to these other countries and tell these people that they were going to get a lot of money and tell these people that all these good things were going to happen.

01:18:59.000 And then he would bring them over here to start working for these companies – And then they would take their passports away and leave them in these subhuman conditions.

01:19:09.000 These horrible conditions.

01:19:10.000 I did see that.

01:19:10.000 Sleeping head to toe in a room with 20 dudes.

01:19:12.000 With dirt floors and holes in the ground to shit in. 0.99

01:19:15.000 Vice did a piece on them. 0.99

01:19:17.000 And you're like, this is incredible.

01:19:18.000 I mean, it's not all establishments there.

01:19:20.000 But the fact that it does happen and that the way it's set up...

01:19:26.000 I don't know who's responsible.

01:19:27.000 I don't know if it's the people at the top or the people at the bottom that are hiring these people.

01:19:31.000 Who's made the decision to force these people in this situation to take their passports away?

01:19:35.000 I don't know who made those decisions.

01:19:36.000 I know that's really awful, but honestly today I asked for decaf and the chick, I know there was caffeine in that.

01:19:46.000 You're being funny.

01:19:49.000 How dare you. 0.98

01:19:50.000 When I hear things like that, I think of like, what's the dumbest thing today that I thought was important? 0.99

01:19:57.000 Oh, I see. 0.94

01:19:58.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:59.000 The things that I'll be like, this is foam.

01:20:04.000 You call this foam barista? 0.99

01:20:05.000 Fucking traffic on Santa Monica again. 1.00

01:20:08.000 Santa Monica Boulevard is bullshit. 1.00

01:20:11.000 The weatherman didn't say it was going to rain. 0.99

01:20:14.000 And then you're like, oh, you had to sleep head to toe with people that don't bathe and you haven't seen your family in 10 years? 0.98

01:20:19.000 Oh, great.

01:20:19.000 The stoplight is down.

01:20:20.000 We have to figure out this intersection on our own.

01:20:23.000 When I called, they said they had my size.

01:20:28.000 It really makes me feel like a monster.

01:20:30.000 Well, it's terrible when you really stop and consider how uneven the playing field is from birth.

01:20:36.000 From birth to death in this world that we live in.

01:20:39.000 Like, you can get the most awesome spot ever, like Amy Schumer, and be born in a nice city, a nice town.

01:20:45.000 I had a bad childhood like everybody else.

01:20:48.000 Oh, yeah, nothing.

01:20:48.000 I know, you're right.

01:20:49.000 Actually, you're right.

01:20:50.000 I wasn't born to a rape camp.

01:20:52.000 You weren't born to some people in India that sold you to some...

01:20:59.000 Because they need your money that they're going to send back so you're working in some kitchen somewhere.

01:21:05.000 Yeah.

01:21:05.000 Some other country.

01:21:06.000 I know.

01:21:07.000 They have your passport.

01:21:08.000 You can never get home. 1.00

01:21:09.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

01:21:10.000 I was complaining about having to learn how to make signature cocktails while I bartended. 0.99

01:21:14.000 You know, that's a real issue, the passport thing. 0.99

01:21:16.000 They take their passport so they can't go back, which is just dark as fuck. 1.00

01:21:20.000 I know. 0.99

01:21:20.000 That is really dark. 0.99

01:21:22.000 I mean, that's slavery.

01:21:23.000 That's essentially like you're not, I mean, there's no dogs, there's no gates, there's no guys with guns.

01:21:28.000 There's no getting out, but isn't the one thing you get like they let you send the saddest amount of money home?

01:21:34.000 Yeah.

01:21:34.000 That's what it is.

01:21:35.000 But who knows?

01:21:36.000 I mean, who knows if that money even gets there?

01:21:38.000 If you can't communicate with your friends back home or your family back home, I mean, how are you communicating with them?

01:21:42.000 If you're not... 0.97

01:21:43.000 If you are communicating with them and it's free and uncensored, you'd be saying, get me the fuck out of here. 0.93

01:21:48.000 They have me. 0.97

01:21:49.000 They're holding me hostage.

01:21:50.000 But that's just the people that get taken.

01:21:52.000 But there's also...

01:21:54.000 That's going on where they didn't take their passport, but it's the only way that they can send money home.

01:21:58.000 And it's voluntary, but it's awful.

01:22:00.000 No doubt.

01:22:01.000 There's a bunch of different variables when it comes to people that live... 0.99

01:22:08.000 If you are born in a third world country or a really poor village or really poor neighborhood somewhere, it's a fucking huge handicap. 1.00

01:22:16.000 Starting from there is incredibly difficult. 0.98

01:22:19.000 Yeah.

01:22:19.000 I have a friend, his name is Justin Wren and he's been on the podcast before.

01:22:24.000 He used to be a UFC fighter and then he went to the Congo and met these pygmies and he's become obsessed with helping them and saving them. 1.00

01:22:33.000 So he takes donations and he goes over there and builds wells for them and helps them and endures all sorts of personal tragedies with them.

01:22:43.000 He's gotten sick.

01:22:44.000 He's got some horrible like dengue fever.

01:22:46.000 He almost died when he was over there. 0.99

01:22:48.000 I mean like Really horrible, horrible shit just to go over there and try to help these people. 0.99

01:22:52.000 Just because he was over there and he just recognized. 0.99

01:22:54.000 He had this feeling like, oh my god, like...

01:22:56.000 These people are so unhealthy and I can help.

01:22:59.000 I know I can help them.

01:23:00.000 So he just felt incredibly compelled to make that like his life's mission to try to help these people.

01:23:06.000 So really, there's him right now.

01:23:08.000 That's the pictures of him with all these pygmy people. 1.00

01:23:10.000 It's an unbelievably touching story.

01:23:12.000 He's like the sweetest guy ever.

01:23:13.000 Did he used to be a comic?

01:23:14.000 He was a fighter.

01:23:15.000 Oh, okay.

01:23:16.000 He was a very tough guy.

01:23:18.000 He was on The Ultimate Fighter. 0.99

01:23:20.000 And he's going through all this shit, like bullshit, depression, and alcoholism, and all the problems that a lot of people go through in this life and found a new purpose when he went over and met these people. 0.99

01:23:34.000 Don't you feel susceptible to that? 1.00

01:23:36.000 Yeah, you can definitely get susceptible.

01:23:38.000 Which part?

01:23:38.000 I mean, you, personally.

01:23:39.000 I could see you getting real into a specific cause.

01:23:43.000 No, but you have your family.

01:23:44.000 Well, I absolutely could see myself getting into a certain cause, something along those lines, but I just don't have the time to dedicate to go over to the Congo.

01:23:52.000 But I appreciate and respect that he does.

01:23:56.000 And I donate, and I think that donating to anything is a good cause.

01:24:00.000 Donating to anything where you can change people's lives directly.

01:24:05.000 I think that's a good thing for you to do with your time.

01:24:08.000 I think no matter what, if you can find something in life that enhances your perspective on the world because you've done something positive, that's a good thing.

01:24:18.000 I think that's really what I got out of what he did the most.

01:24:21.000 Is that it really truly enhanced his perspective of the world.

01:24:24.000 He became like this really happy guy with like a real mission.

01:24:27.000 Yeah.

01:24:27.000 And he sees like a tangible result in all the care and help and aid that he gives these people.

01:24:33.000 It's just cool as fuck. 0.99

01:24:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:34.000 Because it's so selfless. 0.99

01:24:36.000 Yeah.

01:24:36.000 And it's so...

01:24:37.000 It's beautiful in that regard, you know?

01:24:39.000 I think anytime we see something like that, it elevates all of us as a species, you know?

01:24:44.000 Anytime you see someone who's so selfless like that, does something like super...

01:24:48.000 Super positive.

01:24:49.000 It just, it elevates us as a species, you know?

01:24:51.000 Yeah.

01:24:52.000 And that guy is just an awesome example of what a human being is capable of.

01:24:58.000 It's cool.

01:24:59.000 Yeah.

01:25:00.000 And it's also a fascinating thing that this guy was like in the dumps and his life was terrible until he started doing this.

01:25:06.000 And now he's like this really driven, happy person.

01:25:08.000 You see all those pictures.

01:25:09.000 He's smiling and loves those people so much.

01:25:12.000 Why was his life in the dumps?

01:25:14.000 Just, you know, hard time.

01:25:15.000 First of all, being a fighter is unbelievably difficult.

01:25:18.000 Very strenuous.

01:25:19.000 Very nerve-wracking.

01:25:20.000 They're always nervous.

01:25:22.000 They're always, you know, forcing themselves to get into unbelievable shape.

01:25:26.000 You're constantly disciplined because you're doing strength and conditioning work.

01:25:30.000 Then you go into a spar later that night.

01:25:32.000 And then you wake up in the morning, you're going to hit mitts.

01:25:34.000 And then later that night, you're going to lift weights.

01:25:36.000 And then the next day, you're going to wrestle.

01:25:38.000 And then at nighttime, you're going to kickbox.

01:25:40.000 And it never ends.

01:25:41.000 It just keeps going, keeps going. 0.99

01:25:42.000 There's never enough fucking hurdles to jump over. 0.98

01:25:45.000 There's never enough kettlebells to lift. 0.99

01:25:47.000 There's never enough mitts to punch.

01:25:49.000 There's never enough bodies to spar with.

01:25:51.000 You keep going, [...

01:25:54.000 And you redline your body in a lot of ways.

01:25:56.000 And a lot of guys get depressed just from that, just from overtraining.

01:25:59.000 They get sick a lot.

01:26:00.000 They're exhausted. 1.00

01:26:02.000 But if you don't put yourself through that, then you get your ass kicked. 1.00

01:26:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:05.000 And that's even worse. 1.00

01:26:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:08.000 There's a lot of shit involved in being a fighter. 0.99

01:26:10.000 We think being a comic is hard. 1.00

01:26:11.000 It's a joke.

01:26:12.000 No, I mean, I don't know any UFC fighters, but even just what wrestlers go through, I'm just like, man...

01:26:21.000 That's unbelievably hard for your body, too, because what they're doing...

01:26:24.000 It's like being in a car accident.

01:26:26.000 Over and over and over again.

01:26:27.000 Yeah.

01:26:28.000 Over and over and over again.

01:26:29.000 I've had some sets that I felt like that.

01:26:32.000 Actually, in Orlando.

01:26:33.000 Well, you know, there's a lot of...

01:26:35.000 For sure, there's a lot of bad feelings that come from bombing.

01:26:40.000 And it's not good for you.

01:26:41.000 And it's damaging.

01:26:43.000 The issue about sports, though, or wrestling or anything along those lines, is that it sort of breaks your body down.

01:26:49.000 Yeah.

01:26:51.000 And then you gotta live the last third of your life or half of your life with a body that's essentially wrecked from the first half.

01:26:57.000 Isn't it the same with ballerinas? 0.99

01:26:59.000 Some of them.

01:27:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:00.000 You know, I don't know if all of them get fucked up. 0.99

01:27:03.000 Do they all get fucked up? 1.00

01:27:04.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:27:05.000 What is the thing that goes wrong?

01:27:07.000 What goes wrong? 0.84

01:27:09.000 Oh, you're just murdering your body.

01:27:12.000 Just the arthritis that sets in.

01:27:15.000 Standing on your toes.

01:27:16.000 Yeah, and if you don't actually ever get injured, which they all do, it's still just so hard on your body.

01:27:22.000 You can't walk as long as you...

01:27:25.000 You know what I heard? 0.99

01:27:25.000 I heard they just fuck a lot and they blame the injuries on ballet. 0.99

01:27:31.000 You're such a liar. 1.00

01:27:32.000 They just take a lot of dick. 1.00

01:27:33.000 Endless ballerina dick. 1.00

01:27:34.000 That's what I heard. 1.00

01:27:35.000 They just get a lot of ballet dick, like Baryshnikov dick. 1.00

01:27:38.000 I don't think they do. 1.00

01:27:38.000 They just get fucked like crazy. 1.00

01:27:40.000 From who? 1.00

01:27:41.000 That guy from that movie, Black Swan. 1.00

01:27:42.000 That one guy fucks all of those girls? 1.00

01:27:44.000 The guy. 1.00

01:27:44.000 The director guy. 1.00

01:27:46.000 He's always the guy.

01:27:46.000 He's aloof with them.

01:27:48.000 Just Natalie Portman.

01:27:49.000 He plays games. 1.00

01:27:49.000 He fucked the other girls too, remember? 1.00

01:27:51.000 Remember? 1.00

01:27:52.000 He was really mean, and he got them really insecure.

01:27:55.000 He pulls them in close, then he pushes them away.

01:27:57.000 He plays those creepy games.

01:27:59.000 Yeah, I guess you're right. 1.00

01:28:00.000 That guy did fuck everybody in White Night. 1.00

01:28:03.000 If he's a heterosexual and he's around all these insecure women and he has a power over them, like he's the director, that dude just banging left and right, that dirty bastard. 1.00

01:28:11.000 He's horrible. 1.00

01:28:11.000 He's a terrible person. 1.00

01:28:13.000 Might as well be drugging them, in my opinion. 0.98

01:28:15.000 It seems like what guys should do. 0.98

01:28:17.000 Guys become comics to hook up with girls. 1.00

01:28:20.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:28:20.000 Just one guy in ballet. 1.00

01:28:22.000 Well, I don't know if guys become comics to hook up with girls, but they definitely become funny to make girls laugh at them. 0.94

01:28:29.000 And then along the way, they look at their career options and usually they're pretty fucking slim. 0.92

01:28:34.000 Yeah.

01:28:35.000 And stand-up looks incredibly attractive.

01:28:37.000 And then along the way, they realize from doing shows that you could hook up with girls.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:41.000 I think very few comics get into comedy going, I'm going to be really funny so I can hook up with girls.

01:28:46.000 Gosh.

01:28:47.000 I think it's sort of a consequence of like, you know.

01:28:50.000 They just realized as they were, after they started.

01:28:54.000 All the guys that I'm friends with are, yeah, I guess they just make it sound like that was a part of why they got into it.

01:29:01.000 Well, I think it's probably part of what makes them funny, for sure.

01:29:04.000 Yeah.

01:29:04.000 It was probably one of the only times I was ever funny before I was a comedian was, like, talking to girls.

01:29:11.000 Yeah.

01:29:11.000 You know, you're trying to impress them.

01:29:13.000 It's probably one of the only times I was ever funny, like, making fun of things or mocking things.

01:29:17.000 Yeah.

01:29:17.000 And it was that or locker room stuff with my friends.

01:29:20.000 It was a lot of that.

01:29:22.000 A lot of, like...

01:29:22.000 Oh, just like making each other laugh.

01:29:24.000 Well, you know, I came from a weird place because I came from like a martial arts instructor and I was a competitor and that was like the main focus of my life growing up.

01:29:35.000 So I didn't have a normal upbringing in that sense.

01:29:38.000 It was very abnormal.

01:29:40.000 There was no partying.

01:29:41.000 There was very little drinking or any of that, you know.

01:29:45.000 Had a couple girlfriends that tolerated me for small periods of time, and then they'd eventually just get tired of me being crazy.

01:29:51.000 Those poor girls. 1.00

01:29:52.000 Just like going to your martial arts shows, like, oh, get that belt!

01:29:58.000 I don't think I ever brought one to a fight, an actual fight.

01:30:02.000 No?

01:30:02.000 Too much pressure.

01:30:03.000 Yeah, I wouldn't want to watch them sit there in the audience watching me, me thinking about them watching me.

01:30:08.000 Like, my sister came to see me fight once, and I remember it being a wreck.

01:30:11.000 It's one thing I really appreciated about my parents.

01:30:13.000 They never said, I am going to your fight.

01:30:17.000 Like, you know, they would say, do you want us to go? 1.00

01:30:20.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:30:21.000 I'm like, no, don't go. 1.00

01:30:22.000 Oh, really?

01:30:23.000 No, I don't want them to see me hurting anybody and be upset at me.

01:30:27.000 And I didn't want to see anybody hurting me and them being upset.

01:30:31.000 And then the idea that I could get hurt in front of my mother was like extra pressure.

01:30:36.000 The idea that I would lose in front of my mother, that was also extra pressure.

01:30:40.000 Like, it's a very solitary pursuit, martial arts.

01:30:43.000 Did they ever watch you stand up?

01:30:44.000 Yes.

01:30:45.000 They've seen me do stand-up a bunch of times.

01:30:46.000 And you don't care?

01:30:47.000 No, not at all.

01:30:48.000 Totally different thing.

01:30:49.000 Because to stand-up is just fun.

01:30:51.000 It was bad at the beginning when I wasn't very good. 1.00

01:30:55.000 I'd be like, fuck, I'm going to bomb in front of my parents. 0.99

01:30:57.000 But once I got good, it was pretty easy to have them there. 1.00

01:31:02.000 It was fun.

01:31:02.000 It was fun to have them there.

01:31:03.000 Fighting was a totally different thing, though.

01:31:05.000 It was just more creepy.

01:31:08.000 There's just too many things to manage.

01:31:10.000 You're more inside your head.

01:31:11.000 So, I was rarely funny with girls, even. 0.95

01:31:15.000 I was just rarely funny.

01:31:17.000 Really?

01:31:17.000 Yeah.

01:31:18.000 I wasn't funny at all until I decided to become a comedian.

01:31:21.000 I was more of a questioning person than funny.

01:31:27.000 I think you would be funny just by accident.

01:31:29.000 Didn't you just make people laugh?

01:31:31.000 What happened was, the reason I got talked into doing stand-up in the first place was guys in the locker room.

01:31:35.000 I would be doing impressions of each other. 0.89

01:31:38.000 I'd be doing impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students. 0.99

01:31:44.000 Or other friends. 0.99

01:31:45.000 I would make fun of things.

01:31:48.000 But it was really rare, you know?

01:31:50.000 But every now and then, I would do...

01:31:51.000 It wasn't like something I did every day.

01:31:53.000 But when you did it, everybody was like, oh my god.

01:31:55.000 Every now and then, I would wait until they were good.

01:31:57.000 Yeah.

01:31:58.000 You know, I'd have something actually funny.

01:32:01.000 Wow.

01:32:01.000 I wasn't like...

01:32:02.000 It was a very quiet thing.

01:32:05.000 Like, everybody was very friendly, and everybody would go into the locker room.

01:32:08.000 What's up?

01:32:09.000 What's up?

01:32:09.000 But we knew what we were going to do.

01:32:10.000 We were going to go out there, and we were going to kick each other.

01:32:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:13.000 And punch each other.

01:32:13.000 It was a very nerve-wracking thing to be very close with people that beat you up.

01:32:18.000 See, I know that fighting is totally different, but I do see a lot of parallels with stand-up with that.

01:32:26.000 Because it's like, yeah, the people you're most threatened by, you feel the closest to.

01:32:31.000 In a way, yeah.

01:32:32.000 Yeah.

01:32:33.000 There's some similarities for sure.

01:32:35.000 I think there's some.

01:32:36.000 Yeah.

01:32:36.000 I've been thinking about just...

01:32:38.000 And even like...

01:32:38.000 I like watching...

01:32:40.000 I always liked rap battles.

01:32:43.000 I mean, growing up, I just was interested in them.

01:32:46.000 I still like them.

01:32:47.000 And I never made the connection that those were kind of like...

01:32:50.000 Or like hanging out with comics to me.

01:32:53.000 But it's like, of course, like even the Wu-Tang album at the beginning of Method Man, that song, it's like they're just trashing each other saying what they're going to do.

01:33:04.000 And I'm like, and I loved that growing up.

01:33:08.000 And then I'm like, but I never even made that connection until like real recently.

01:33:10.000 I was like, oh yeah.

01:33:11.000 Well, battle rap is all about, you know, like, coming out on top. 0.99

01:33:16.000 And everybody would come up with the most vicious, scathing shit you could say about a dude's mother or a sister. 0.98

01:33:21.000 But it had to be real poetic. 0.99

01:33:22.000 Yeah, and make it rhyme.

01:33:24.000 But how many times have you seen battle rap that ends in fisticuffs?

01:33:27.000 There's a bunch of those videos online.

01:33:29.000 Right.

01:33:30.000 That always looks like they're about to...

01:33:31.000 Yeah.

01:33:32.000 They are, you know? 1.00

01:33:33.000 They're saying some really nasty shit to each other. 1.00

01:33:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:36.000 Yeah.

01:33:37.000 In a way, yeah.

01:33:37.000 I think that's probably a lot like stand-up.

01:33:39.000 But stand-up, it's rare that we go head-to-head with each other like that.

01:33:43.000 It's only roasts where that kind of happens.

01:33:46.000 And even then, the guy sitting can't respond for a while.

01:33:50.000 Yeah.

01:33:50.000 But even if it's not like...

01:33:51.000 But even, I know you and I both have heckler, people put videos of us dealing with hecklers online, and that feels like you're fighting training.

01:34:01.000 I think that stuff plays a part in just your defense mechanisms, how you're set up, how you've been preparing for these moments you didn't even know you were going to have.

01:34:12.000 Sort of.

01:34:12.000 It's also you recognize you have to handle something in real time, and you have to also be completely in the moment while you're handling it.

01:34:19.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:34:19.000 Because you're directing a moment where X amount of people are in the audience, they all pay to see you, and some shit's going down in real time. 0.97

01:34:28.000 And you have to keep the control. 0.99

01:34:29.000 Yeah, and sometimes you'll slip, and you'll say something awkward, or you'll just say something that's forced or stupid. 0.99

01:34:34.000 Or too much, and the crowd's like, whoa, hey. 1.00

01:34:39.000 He's just a drunk.

01:34:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:41.000 I mean, I've had some people swear that things were planted just because people are so ridiculous. 0.95

01:34:46.000 Right. 0.97

01:34:46.000 I had a guy, goddammit, I can't remember where. 0.97

01:34:49.000 I want to say it was Milwaukee.

01:34:50.000 But there was a guy that was so drunk that he came up to the side of the stage and he was literally falling over.

01:34:56.000 And he reached up his hand to shake my hand and then was blacking out.

01:35:00.000 And I caught his hand.

01:35:02.000 I was holding onto his wrist.

01:35:03.000 I was literally keeping this guy standing.

01:35:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:05.000 He was that fucked up. 1.00

01:35:07.000 Right. 1.00

01:35:07.000 And the audience was howling. 1.00

01:35:09.000 I'm like, I've never had to hold a guy up. 1.00

01:35:12.000 How fucked up is this guy? 0.99

01:35:13.000 He stumbled out of his chair, came lunging towards the stage to the point where I was wondering if he was handicapped. 1.00

01:35:22.000 I was wondering if he had an issue with his muscles or something, some physical issue.

01:35:25.000 And that's really hard.

01:35:26.000 That's when it's the hardest to deal with somebody, if you're like, wait.

01:35:29.000 Yes. 0.99

01:35:29.000 This guy might have had something wrong with him on top of being fucked up. 0.99

01:35:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:34.000 But the fucked up thing, there's a video of it somewhere. 0.99

01:35:37.000 It's a video of me holding this guy up to show that it really is real. 0.92

01:35:42.000 People love it because it's like this real moment. 0.96

01:35:45.000 It was so ridiculous. 0.54

01:35:46.000 But I mean those moments, like Amy Schumer's responsible for, you're responsible for, you know, in real time. 0.85

01:35:52.000 Here's the guy.

01:35:53.000 Like he's standing there.

01:35:55.000 Oh my god.

01:36:08.000 That man represents the world.

01:36:11.000 He's the roots of your tree.

01:36:14.000 What you are right now is maybe the drunkest guy that's ever survived.

01:36:23.000 We're gonna learn something just by watching you move. 0.99

01:36:25.000 Dude, you need to sit the fuck down, cross-legged, and just close your eyes and think about the seventh grade, because there's no way you're gonna make it up those stairs. 0.99

01:36:34.000 Clearly, you've made some mistakes in your life. 1.00

01:36:36.000 Let's go back.

01:36:37.000 Let's go back to grammar school.

01:36:41.000 Let's go to seventh grade.

01:36:43.000 You're gonna be high, feeling good.

01:36:46.000 In two years, you're gonna be 14. That's when your brother got some sex. 0.99

01:36:51.000 Are you really trying to walk? 0.99

01:36:52.000 Why are you doing that? 0.64

01:36:53.000 Get on your knees in your hands and crawl. 0.96

01:36:58.000 Because you don't have the mentality of a human right now.

01:37:01.000 That's why your mind doesn't want to do that.

01:37:03.000 If you crawled like a baby, you'd be fine.

01:37:11.000 That's that guy, folks.

01:37:12.000 That's that guy.

01:37:14.000 Who's his buddy?

01:37:16.000 Who's with him?

01:37:17.000 Are you with him?

01:37:18.000 Is that your friend?

01:37:19.000 Who's right there?

01:37:21.000 You folks look sensible.

01:37:23.000 You're fairly sober.

01:37:24.000 Is this man traveling solo?

01:37:25.000 Is that crazy?

01:37:30.000 How can you drink that much and stay alive?

01:37:33.000 This little guy didn't have any idea that I was grabbing him and holding onto him.

01:37:37.000 He was like, what's going on here?

01:37:38.000 Getting lifted from the skies.

01:37:40.000 What's up here?

01:37:41.000 He didn't even look at me!

01:37:44.000 He's like, well, and then there's that happening over there.

01:37:48.000 I don't know what that is. 0.99

01:37:50.000 Like he's gonna look up and there's a fucking goblin holding onto him. 0.99

01:37:55.000 I don't know how to see it. 0.99

01:37:58.000 Wouldn't you love to just see through that guy's eyes right now as he slowly makes it to that toilet?

01:38:07.000 There's those moments, man, when you put your forehead on the white porcelain and you pee and you're like, I gotta fix so many things about my life.

01:38:21.000 I'm all staring into the abyss of that white porcelain.

01:38:25.000 It just comes back to you with answers.

01:38:27.000 I think that's probably the end of it. 0.99

01:38:30.000 Somebody's fucked that guy. 0.99

01:38:31.000 I can't get out about this guy. 1.00

01:38:33.000 Somebody's not only fucked that guy, but called him on purpose so they could have sex with him. 0.99

01:38:39.000 Where is he? 1.00

01:38:40.000 Ty, get over here and fuck me. 1.00

01:38:58.000 I completely forgot about that dude. 1.00

01:39:00.000 I totally forgot about that whole exchange about how long it went on.

01:39:04.000 But the guy was so drunk that I was holding him up and he didn't even look up at me.

01:39:08.000 He was so drunk he was just like letting me hold him up and he was just sort of looking around at the crowd trying to figure out why.

01:39:15.000 That's when you're like, where's the security of this venue?

01:39:18.000 Like, who's serving this guy?

01:39:19.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:39:20.000 They handled it right away.

01:39:21.000 Like, you could see right here, while this guy is stumbling, this guy comes over, the security comes over and grabs him, and they cart him off, and then I started talking about that guy's, like, the roots of your tree.

01:39:31.000 He represents life.

01:39:32.000 Let him hold you up.

01:39:33.000 And the guy walked the dude towards the back of the room, and then they...

01:39:38.000 You talked him through.

01:39:39.000 Yeah.

01:39:40.000 Well, I had to.

01:39:41.000 I mean, I had to talk about it. 0.95

01:39:42.000 It was just so ridiculous. 0.96

01:39:43.000 I'd never seen a guy that drunk. 0.98

01:39:45.000 I mean, there was no way he was talking.

01:39:48.000 He could barely move his body right.

01:39:50.000 He was just making noises with his mouth that didn't represent words.

01:39:53.000 You could see that he was trying to speak English, but he was so drunk he couldn't talk at all.

01:39:57.000 And then you're like, this guy's a victim.

01:40:00.000 Start wondering.

01:40:01.000 Start wondering what happened.

01:40:02.000 Yeah.

01:40:02.000 How'd it go wrong?

01:40:03.000 Right.

01:40:04.000 That's what happens to me, too.

01:40:05.000 And sometimes, like, you know, if people, like, keep firing at me, I'm like, don't.

01:40:10.000 Because I will pinpoint what happened.

01:40:13.000 LAUGHTER It's not good for either one of us.

01:40:16.000 No, the crowd's like...

01:40:17.000 Even if you win, you're going to feel bad later.

01:40:19.000 You're going to be like, ooh, did I go too far?

01:40:21.000 You learn that lesson, you know?

01:40:23.000 You learn that lesson.

01:40:24.000 Then you're like, I know if I say one more thing, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

01:40:28.000 Well, then sometimes it's funny when you go too far and you go, alright, I went too far.

01:40:32.000 Yeah.

01:40:33.000 You're like, whoops.

01:40:35.000 Sorry, everybody.

01:40:36.000 Yeah, it's not like if you actually get angry.

01:40:39.000 That's the thing.

01:40:41.000 If you actually get angry.

01:40:42.000 Yeah.

01:40:43.000 Yeah, because nobody wants to see that. 0.90

01:40:45.000 But I learned from when I was opening for Norton and Natal on the road, because people would yell shit at them, and they wouldn't fire back. 0.84

01:40:51.000 It was never like they were being attacked. 0.73

01:40:52.000 They would just defuse.

01:40:54.000 Right.

01:40:54.000 So I try to do that now.

01:40:56.000 But then I've also seen if somebody keeps coming at them, they will go to town. 0.92

01:41:01.000 Yeah, there's a difference between someone having fun and someone that's, like, fucking it all up. 0.93

01:41:07.000 Yeah. 0.58

01:41:08.000 You know, at the risk of encouraging this, because I'm not encouraging this, but when I was in New York...

01:41:11.000 Discouraging. 0.90

01:41:12.000 When I was in New York, this guy yelled out something that was fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:41:15.000 Oh, no. 0.95

01:41:16.000 I was talking about the most...

01:41:19.000 I was trying to figure out who the most famous woman in the world was setting up this bit. 1.00

01:41:23.000 Yeah.

01:41:23.000 And the guy goes, your mom!

01:41:27.000 We got you there.

01:41:28.000 For the wrong reasons, just for childish, I'm 12 reasons, I started laughing.

01:41:33.000 It was just the perfect timing.

01:41:35.000 That's really funny.

01:41:35.000 Yeah, because it's like, first of all, that is not true.

01:41:39.000 Your mom's not the most famous woman in the world.

01:41:40.000 But it doesn't matter.

01:41:41.000 No, I know.

01:41:41.000 That's why it's so funny.

01:41:43.000 Maybe your mother who makes the best cheeseburgers. 1.00

01:41:45.000 Maybe your mom. 0.72

01:41:46.000 Yeah, it's like, you got me. 1.00

01:41:48.000 Who's sucked the most dick? 1.00

01:41:49.000 Probably your mom. 1.00

01:41:51.000 You're like, shit. 1.00

01:41:52.000 Like, somewhere along the line, throughout history, there's got to be a woman who has sucked the most dicks ever. 1.00

01:41:56.000 There's a world record holder. 0.99

01:41:58.000 They probably don't keep it officially.

01:41:59.000 I've seen that video, yeah.

01:42:00.000 It's not a video.

01:42:01.000 It's probably done...

01:42:02.000 It's on a cave somewhere, carved into the rocks.

01:42:06.000 It's probably an old record that nobody ever even claimed close to touching.

01:42:09.000 She kept it, like, with little dick chalk marks that people are going to find... 1.00

01:42:12.000 Like with a prisoner. 0.92

01:42:13.000 They're going to find that in your kettlebells and be like, wow, what was going on with this society?

01:42:16.000 When a prisoner's calculating how many days till they get out, till they get released, they make those fives on the wall, four straight ones and then one across. 0.99

01:42:24.000 You go over to her door of death, and it's just all these dicks. 1.00

01:42:28.000 It's just dicks. 1.00

01:42:29.000 Just endless dicks in the cave. 1.00

01:42:32.000 And right by the cave door, writing how many dicks she sucks. 1.00

01:42:36.000 It's hard to get, you know, if you have a limp, it's tough to get some buffalo. 1.00

01:42:39.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

01:42:42.000 But my point is, imagine if that's your mom.

01:42:45.000 I mean, I've never had somebody heckle that good.

01:42:48.000 Yeah, that's a good heckle.

01:42:50.000 That's a good one.

01:42:51.000 But it was only in the moment it was good.

01:42:52.000 If it was another moment, it could be bad.

01:42:55.000 Don't yell anything out at shows.

01:42:57.000 Please don't do it.

01:42:59.000 It worked that time.

01:43:00.000 I like talking to the crowd.

01:43:02.000 If I instigate, then let's talk.

01:43:03.000 I love talking to the crowd.

01:43:04.000 Do you ever do a Q&A? Yeah.

01:43:07.000 You know what you should do?

01:43:08.000 There's a thing that they're doing in LA. It's a podcast called Thunder Pussy. 0.97

01:43:13.000 Thunder Pussy is you don't go on stage with any material at all. 0.97

01:43:16.000 Zero material. 0.92

01:43:17.000 The audience yells out suggestions.

01:43:19.000 Whose show is that?

01:43:20.000 Is that Ari's?

01:43:20.000 No.

01:43:21.000 No, it's Red Band.

01:43:22.000 Red Band and...

01:43:23.000 Jeremiah.

01:43:25.000 Jeremiah Watkins.

01:43:26.000 Jeremiah Watkins.

01:43:26.000 Sorry, Jeremiah.

01:43:28.000 I spaced on his name.

01:43:29.000 Jeremiah Watkins.

01:43:30.000 Very funny young kid.

01:43:31.000 And he and Brian have this podcast where they have guys go up there and they do that.

01:43:36.000 They do...

01:43:37.000 Everything is completely off the cuff.

01:43:38.000 You do everything with the audience.

01:43:40.000 But isn't it better to do the stuff that you know works?

01:43:43.000 LAUGHTER Sometimes, but as an artistic exercise, it's a great exercise in creativity.

01:43:51.000 Because you come up with bits and then they become actual bits.

01:43:54.000 You come up with bits when someone yells out something and you have a suggestion and then you try to work it out.

01:43:59.000 Or you can write.

01:44:00.000 Several times.

01:44:01.000 No, just kidding.

01:44:01.000 Several times I've come up with actual real bits from that that have become real bits.

01:44:06.000 I try to make myself do at least a couple new things every night on stage.

01:44:12.000 That's good.

01:44:14.000 Yeah, but I mean, it's hard.

01:44:16.000 Oh, it's definitely hard.

01:44:17.000 Especially the crowd, like, they can sense it. 0.97

01:44:19.000 But that's one of the things that's amazing about this Thunder Pussy idea is because you're doing an hour. 0.98

01:44:24.000 It's an hour? 0.98

01:44:25.000 Yeah, well, me, I did an hour.

01:44:27.000 I did an hour.

01:44:27.000 You did an hour of completely...

01:44:29.000 I did one hour once and an hour ten another time.

01:44:31.000 How much time did you get out of that in the long run for a year or so?

01:44:34.000 Ten minutes out of two sets.

01:44:35.000 Wow.

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:36.000 That's amazing.

01:44:37.000 Two sets is ten whole minutes.

01:44:39.000 So, you know, a lot of it gets tossed out.

01:44:40.000 A lot of it's in the moment.

01:44:41.000 A lot of it is not applicable.

01:44:43.000 Or maybe it is someday once I hash it out and work it out.

01:44:46.000 What's that festival in Scotland?

01:44:48.000 Edinburgh?

01:44:49.000 Yeah.

01:44:49.000 People that do that, they say, like, you know, you're there for like a month and you have to do a different hour every night.

01:44:54.000 What?

01:44:55.000 That's what some comics say that they go and they do that.

01:44:58.000 Oh, my God.

01:44:58.000 And then you get so much time out of it.

01:45:01.000 Didn't Maren, or is it Melbourne?

01:45:03.000 Maren has a fantastic story about going over to some festival and bombing horrifically.

01:45:09.000 That's probably Melbourne.

01:45:10.000 I think it's a great story, though.

01:45:12.000 It's really good at telling, because it's really early on in his career, and just the whole thing was just wrong.

01:45:19.000 You know, that wrong vibe thing, where you get caught up in the wrong...

01:45:23.000 And if you start off a week bombing...

01:45:26.000 That totally brings up so many feelings right away.

01:45:28.000 You never recover.

01:45:29.000 No. 1.00

01:45:30.000 That feeling when you start off Thursday night eating shit on stage. 1.00

01:45:33.000 All the blood is in your head. 1.00

01:45:34.000 You're like, how am I even still standing here when all the blood's in my head?

01:45:38.000 And you can't even believe they're going to let you go up on Friday, but it's just because they couldn't find a substitute for you, and you're like, oh my god, here we go.

01:45:43.000 You start seeing spots.

01:45:46.000 It's such a bad feeling.

01:45:48.000 I had two sets at this one place in Connecticut.

01:45:50.000 The first set I had was great.

01:45:52.000 It was really fun.

01:45:53.000 It was easy.

01:45:54.000 It was fun.

01:45:55.000 The second set I had, it was awful.

01:45:57.000 I was terrible.

01:45:59.000 Hartford?

01:46:00.000 I just bombed.

01:46:01.000 No, it wasn't even Hartford.

01:46:01.000 It was like some bar gig in Connecticut, but it was just early on in my career and it was just, I had another one after that that went well, but the Everyone gave me the stink eye.

01:46:12.000 The manager gave me the stink eye.

01:46:14.000 They couldn't believe that I did well this time compared to the last time.

01:46:19.000 They wanted to keep bringing up the last time. 0.99

01:46:21.000 Even though I had a good set, they kept wanting to bring up the last time when I ate shit up there. 0.99

01:46:25.000 I'm like, I know. 0.98

01:46:26.000 I didn't do it on purpose.

01:46:28.000 I was the one feeling it.

01:46:29.000 I bombed so bad.

01:46:31.000 I don't think I ever told this here, but at the Schaumburg Improv, which they call the Chicago Improv, which is ludicrous.

01:46:37.000 I know where that place is.

01:46:38.000 It's an hour away from Chicago.

01:46:40.000 It's like 40 miles from Chicago.

01:46:41.000 It's an hour if you're lucky.

01:46:42.000 But anyway, I went there and I was opening for Tammy Pascatelli and I went out there and I was used to, I was in the middle of doing Last Comic, so I've been dealing with all paid audiences.

01:46:53.000 So I was like, I think I'm a killer now.

01:46:56.000 And I went out there.

01:46:57.000 I mean, like 20 minutes of just zero.

01:47:02.000 Like where I was like, I almost said, is this thing on?

01:47:04.000 Like it was that bad.

01:47:05.000 And so it was my second night and I'm like 10 minutes into my 20 and I'm dying.

01:47:11.000 And Tammy comes on stage and takes the mic out of my hand. 0.99

01:47:16.000 And I'm always ready to say something.

01:47:19.000 I'm a wiseass.

01:47:20.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:47:22.000 She goes, Amy...

01:47:23.000 And she's like, everyone, I'm really sorry, but there's been a bomb threat.

01:47:28.000 And I'm like, this is what she says when someone's bombing? 0.99

01:47:30.000 Like, this bitch, I cannot believe this. 1.00

01:47:32.000 But it's in a strip mall. 0.99

01:47:34.000 There was a bomb threat in the mall, so we all had to evacuate, and she wanted to be the one to tell them.

01:47:37.000 And so we're all like... 0.99

01:47:39.000 And I was like, fucking thank God. 0.99

01:47:41.000 You know? 0.99

01:47:42.000 I was like, this is divine.

01:47:43.000 We're all filing out together.

01:47:45.000 And I'm filing out with the crowd and they're all talking about like how horrible I was.

01:47:50.000 Oh my god.

01:47:51.000 And then just night after night just taking it to the chin.

01:47:54.000 Just like going out there and just eating it.

01:47:57.000 So awful.

01:47:59.000 Yeah, a bomb threat while you're bombing is never...

01:48:03.000 Never good, though.

01:48:04.000 I don't know.

01:48:05.000 It's so ironic.

01:48:05.000 If I had, like, an app on my phone, like, calling a friend, like, just please.

01:48:09.000 Buffalo.

01:48:09.000 In five minutes, okay?

01:48:12.000 Please.

01:48:13.000 What was wrong?

01:48:14.000 Was it you?

01:48:15.000 It was me.

01:48:15.000 Was it the audience?

01:48:16.000 Yeah.

01:48:16.000 What made you turn the corner as a comic?

01:48:20.000 I think bombing so many times that you just don't care.

01:48:25.000 And then once you don't care...

01:48:27.000 You become funny.

01:48:28.000 Yeah.

01:48:28.000 Because they're not worried.

01:48:29.000 They trust you.

01:48:30.000 Because I think my jokes were funny.

01:48:32.000 It wasn't that my material got that much better.

01:48:35.000 You're just nervous up there.

01:48:36.000 I was just like, is this okay?

01:48:37.000 Is this okay?

01:48:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:39.000 Is this funny?

01:48:39.000 Oh, that wasn't funny?

01:48:40.000 Okay, like, quick, let me get to this other thing.

01:48:42.000 Is this funny?

01:48:43.000 You know, just tap dancing through my set, and then it was like, oh, that made you upset?

01:48:48.000 Well, let me say this thing that's ten times worse than that last thing you got mad at, and I don't care.

01:48:54.000 And then, yeah, just being totally unapologetic.

01:48:59.000 Do you think it's more difficult as a woman to do stand-up?

01:49:03.000 No.

01:49:04.000 You don't?

01:49:05.000 I've had a very sweet path.

01:49:08.000 And I think I've worked really hard.

01:49:10.000 And I think, I don't know what the quote is, but opportunity plus preparation equals something.

01:49:17.000 Okay, thanks.

01:49:18.000 I don't know.

01:49:19.000 But it's like I have worked really hard.

01:49:21.000 But I think it's annoying.

01:49:24.000 I think it's harder to be a woman. 1.00

01:49:26.000 I think being a chick sucks. 0.99

01:49:28.000 And I wouldn't wish it on anybody. 1.00

01:49:29.000 Really?

01:49:30.000 For real?

01:49:30.000 Yes.

01:49:31.000 Really?

01:49:32.000 Yes, it's awful.

01:49:33.000 What's awful about it?

01:49:35.000 Everything. 0.98

01:49:36.000 You're born with this invisible calendar counting down to your last fuckable day. 0.98

01:49:41.000 You're valued by your appearance above all else. 0.99

01:49:48.000 You make less.

01:49:50.000 You're taught that there's no ceiling to what you can do.

01:49:54.000 No limit.

01:49:55.000 And then you learn, yes, there is.

01:49:57.000 And society wants only a specific thing from you, even though you're programmed a different way.

01:50:02.000 But aren't you proof positive that that's not the case?

01:50:06.000 That's always going to be the case, right?

01:50:08.000 But aren't you proof positive that there is no ceiling and that you can be successful with hard work and talent?

01:50:13.000 I mean, that's what you've done, right?

01:50:14.000 I think...

01:50:15.000 You're way more talented than a lot of men, I know.

01:50:17.000 Thank you.

01:50:17.000 But way more successful as well.

01:50:20.000 But the people that have seen those men and me perform would still tell me that I was their favorite female comedian they've ever seen.

01:50:28.000 Like it's a handicap. 0.97

01:50:30.000 Would you say that?

01:50:31.000 Like you're my favorite black comedian I've ever seen.

01:50:34.000 I think it's really weird.

01:50:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:37.000 Well, fuck them for that. 1.00

01:50:38.000 But I've said that before. 1.00

01:50:39.000 She's one of the funniest girls ever.

01:50:41.000 Yeah.

01:50:41.000 All time.

01:50:42.000 Yeah.

01:50:42.000 Well, you know, like, Roseanne Barr was on, and I went, like, super...

01:50:47.000 I was super conscious to not say that she's one of the funniest women of all time, because I think she's one of the great ones.

01:50:53.000 Yeah.

01:50:53.000 I think if you had to pick, like...

01:50:55.000 You know, like a top 50 greatest comedian list ever, Roseanne Barr, in my opinion, is like, she's a real... 0.76

01:51:01.000 She was a real pioneer.

01:51:02.000 Yeah.

01:51:03.000 Because she had a very specific, unique style when she came out.

01:51:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:51:07.000 She was hard-hitting and aggressive, and she didn't give a fuck if you liked her. 1.00

01:51:10.000 She wasn't trying to look pretty. 1.00

01:51:12.000 Shut up! 1.00

01:51:14.000 You know, she just... 1.00

01:51:14.000 And she shoved it down your throat, just knowing it was good and well-written stuff and performance delivery. 1.00

01:51:21.000 Yeah.

01:51:22.000 But I could see how that would be annoying.

01:51:25.000 But then also, just numbers.

01:51:28.000 How many female comics are headlining theaters on the road? 1.00

01:51:33.000 How many of them are in successful relationships?

01:51:38.000 How many of them...

01:51:39.000 Christina Pazitzky, that's it.

01:51:41.000 Yeah.

01:51:42.000 They sort of broke the rule.

01:51:44.000 Boss and Bonnie. 0.95

01:51:47.000 Yeah.

01:51:48.000 There's a couple of exceptions.

01:51:50.000 Statistically, it's not looking good for the ladies. 1.00

01:51:54.000 And Voss and Bonnie is hilarious too because Bonnie is a smart one and Voss is the guy who's constantly the butt of the jokes.

01:52:00.000 And then Voss is there.

01:52:02.000 He's the butt of the jokes. 1.00

01:52:03.000 Like all of their podcasts, you know, it's like her shitting all over how dumb he is. 1.00

01:52:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:52:08.000 But then it's like, you know, it's like I am successful as a comic right now.

01:52:15.000 But then there's also a price to be paid for that, for being a girl anyway. 1.00

01:52:20.000 Okay, but is it with everybody or is it with idiots? 1.00

01:52:22.000 You know, and isn't the price that you pay when you're around idiots? 1.00

01:52:26.000 No, I mean... 1.00

01:52:27.000 It's good people?

01:52:27.000 Nice people?

01:52:28.000 I think it's most people still want a kind of...

01:52:33.000 I think some people are...

01:52:35.000 Grateful for the female comics that they love.

01:52:40.000 I was grateful for the...

01:52:42.000 My favorite comics were girls growing up.

01:52:45.000 And those comedic actresses. 1.00

01:52:47.000 And I was really grateful for them.

01:52:49.000 And so I still...

01:52:51.000 And I hope that people will feel that way about me one day.

01:52:55.000 But... 0.99

01:52:57.000 What the fuck am I talking about? 0.99

01:52:59.000 We're just talking about the differences. 0.99

01:53:00.000 We were just discussing the differences between men and female comics and how few female comics there are and about when you look at the number of females that are headlining theaters and that they were always your biggest influences and you're always big fans of these female comedians.

01:53:13.000 That's what you're saying.

01:53:14.000 You're such a good listener.

01:53:16.000 Well, I'm very fascinated by the subject because, you know, I had a conversation once with Judy Gold about an interview that I did where we were talking about She's so funny.

01:53:26.000 She's very funny.

01:53:27.000 She's so good.

01:53:27.000 She's an animal, too.

01:53:28.000 She's a killer. 1.00

01:53:30.000 She's so good. 1.00

01:53:32.000 But she's also smart.

01:53:34.000 She's quick. 1.00

01:53:35.000 If you fuck with her, she'll kill you. 1.00

01:53:37.000 She knows how to just shut things down, especially a heckler. 1.00

01:53:41.000 Yeah.

01:53:41.000 Shuts them down.

01:53:42.000 Oh, I remember what I was going to say.

01:53:44.000 Well, please do.

01:53:45.000 Say it, then.

01:53:46.000 I'm sorry.

01:53:46.000 But I think a lot of people are probably pretty relieved when Judy and I leave the room.

01:53:52.000 What?

01:53:52.000 Come on.

01:53:53.000 No one who's worth a fuck... 0.99

01:53:55.000 No, I think you're right. 0.99

01:53:56.000 And the people I'm close to and the people that I love and that I care about are into it.

01:54:03.000 But I think still there's a lot of work to be done in the world with the perception of what we want from women. 1.00

01:54:11.000 Maybe.

01:54:12.000 I see what you're saying.

01:54:14.000 I'm sure I would see it from a completely different perspective if I was you and I lived your experiences.

01:54:20.000 My experience though with friends and people that I care about is, you know, I don't always agree with Jerry Seinfeld.

01:54:26.000 I don't know.

01:54:43.000 And that's true because Chris Rock is one of his best friends, was a dude who used to host MTV Half Hour, Comedy Hour.

01:54:51.000 Mario Joyner is a guy who's been his good friend forever.

01:54:55.000 Yeah, but I think that the conversation was with Colin Quinn when he was talking about why he had no women or black people in the first season of his riding in cars with comedians.

01:55:08.000 And it's like funny is funny, but are you looking for what's fun?

01:55:13.000 I don't think of...

01:55:15.000 Do you have your hand on the pulse of...

01:55:18.000 Whose stand-up are you going down to watch?

01:55:21.000 Who?

01:55:22.000 Jerry Seinfeld?

01:55:23.000 Seinfeld.

01:55:23.000 And I'm saying that in general.

01:55:27.000 And I think that's true.

01:55:29.000 What's funny is funny.

01:55:30.000 And I would never specify this is my favorite female comic, this is my favorite black comic.

01:55:34.000 That's insane to me.

01:55:35.000 Right.

01:55:37.000 But I think people, what they are looking for, if they're like, I'm going to Google comedians...

01:55:45.000 In cars getting coffee.

01:55:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:48.000 Is that what it's called?

01:55:49.000 Yes, that's what it is.

01:55:50.000 It's a talk show.

01:55:51.000 It's his show.

01:55:52.000 He does it.

01:55:52.000 He interviews people like Larry David.

01:55:55.000 Right, so I think that was his conversation.

01:55:56.000 Was it him talking on Stern about Collins?

01:55:59.000 Well, he interviews people that he thinks are interesting.

01:56:02.000 That's all it is.

01:56:03.000 I mean, he just gets like David Letterman goes for a drive in his Volvo.

01:56:06.000 Right, right, right.

01:56:07.000 Yeah.

01:56:07.000 And then the second season he had Sarah on.

01:56:10.000 He had, you know, he had women on because Colin was like, you're going to get a lot of shit for this. 0.99

01:56:15.000 But that's not why he did it. 0.99

01:56:16.000 I think that's what he was saying when he said the interview.

01:56:19.000 He's like, I don't care.

01:56:20.000 He goes, all I care about is funny.

01:56:23.000 I think you're like that.

01:56:24.000 I think I'm like that.

01:56:26.000 You don't think he's like that?

01:56:27.000 No, I don't know.

01:56:28.000 I have no idea.

01:56:29.000 I have no idea, but what I'm saying is, um, I think that that's what he was talking about, was Colin telling him, like, you can't just, like, have all the way through that.

01:56:38.000 No, it was actually an interview.

01:56:39.000 It was an interview where they were asking him in an interview.

01:56:42.000 No, no, it was on Stern.

01:56:42.000 It was Seinfeld talking on Stern.

01:56:43.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:56:43.000 Here it is.

01:56:44.000 It's this guy.

01:56:45.000 Here, I'll play it.

01:56:46.000 Most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes.

01:56:49.000 Yeah, let's get into that.

01:56:50.000 No, I... Take a look over here, Peter.

01:56:55.000 What do you see?

01:56:56.000 A lot of whiteys! 1.00

01:56:59.000 What's going on here? 0.98

01:57:03.000 Oh, this really pisses me off.

01:57:05.000 But go ahead.

01:57:06.000 Really pisses me off.

01:57:08.000 Well, that's okay.

01:57:09.000 I'm sorry.

01:57:09.000 Go ahead.

01:57:10.000 But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more.

01:57:15.000 You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians.

01:57:20.000 It's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals. 1.00

01:57:24.000 And in the context of comedy, not gender diversity, I just want to know what you meant by that.

01:57:28.000 Well, I was kind of curious what it's like to be a woman In comedy, as opposed to a man, there's a little bit of a difference.

01:57:35.000 And I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective.

01:57:39.000 She's so successful at it.

01:57:41.000 And I was just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it.

01:57:44.000 And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that.

01:57:49.000 But, you know, it's just another thing to think about.

01:57:51.000 Okay, all right, fair enough.

01:57:52.000 Hold on, let him go.

01:57:53.000 There were a lot of things about comedians and cars in the beginning.

01:57:56.000 The first 10 I did, I think, were all white males.

01:57:59.000 And people were writing all about that, which...

01:58:01.000 That's part of the reason why I asked.

01:58:02.000 People had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld.

01:58:06.000 Ask him about their gender diversity on the show.

01:58:07.000 Yeah, I mean, people think it's the census or something.

01:58:11.000 I mean, this has got to...

01:58:13.000 Represent the actual pie chart of America?

01:58:17.000 Who cares?

01:58:18.000 It's just funny.

01:58:19.000 You know, funny is the world that I live in.

01:58:23.000 You're funny, I'm interested.

01:58:25.000 You're not funny, I'm not interested.

01:58:26.000 And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that, but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix?

01:58:37.000 You know, I think that's...

01:58:41.000 To me, it's anti-comedy.

01:58:43.000 It's anti-comedy.

01:58:45.000 It's more about, you know, PC nonsense than, are you making us laugh or not?

01:58:50.000 Right, right. 0.99

01:58:51.000 He definitely also talked about that, what he just said on Stern, and referenced Colin saying that he was going to get a bunch of shit about that. 0.94

01:59:00.000 Oh, so he's talked about it a few times. 0.91

01:59:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:59:03.000 But I think, I don't know.

01:59:07.000 I mean...

01:59:08.000 You disagree with him?

01:59:11.000 I'm not going to disagree with the statement, what's funny is funny.

01:59:14.000 I think what somebody thinks is funny.

01:59:17.000 I don't think you should just have a woman or a person who's not white on to not make people upset. 0.79

01:59:25.000 Right.

01:59:25.000 I don't think that's...

01:59:27.000 You know, I have my own feelings about...

01:59:34.000 My old stuff, what that triggers for me is going back to when I was really young in school and being funny.

01:59:46.000 But knowing and getting a reaction from people like, just try to be nice and pretty.

01:59:54.000 That's what we want from you.

01:59:55.000 Be a girl. 1.00

01:59:57.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:59:57.000 The boys are talking. 1.00

01:59:58.000 We're funny.

02:00:00.000 And knowing I was funnier.

02:00:03.000 Wait a minute.

02:00:04.000 Why does that him saying that he doesn't believe in anything but funny trigger that in you?

02:00:09.000 Because I don't believe that he's aware or looking.

02:00:14.000 I think that maybe he would be more likely to dismiss someone or not really pay that much attention to To something other than what he's used to thinking is funny.

02:00:37.000 If your favorite comedians, the people you want to have on the first season of your show, your first 10 episodes, are all one type, then that's your type.

02:00:52.000 And I don't think you can say what's funny is funny.

02:00:55.000 Because there are plenty of comedians that go up there and kill.

02:00:58.000 And I'm like, nothing.

02:01:01.000 You know?

02:01:02.000 And, like, Chris Rock, I think I said this on here last time, but he told me, like, how was his set?

02:01:07.000 And he'll be like, he killed.

02:01:08.000 I'm like, yeah, but how was it? 0.95

02:01:09.000 And he's like, no, respect the kill.

02:01:11.000 And, like, I was just talking about this with Wanda Sykes.

02:01:15.000 She was like, yeah, sometimes you can't.

02:01:18.000 And I'm like, yeah, sometimes you can't.

02:01:20.000 So it's like, okay, what's funny is funny.

02:01:22.000 What makes...

02:01:24.000 What makes a room full of people, you know, tears laughing, you can say, well, they're laughing.

02:01:30.000 It's funny.

02:01:31.000 But to you, it's not funny.

02:01:33.000 But it's not up to you.

02:01:35.000 But I can't tell you what's funny and what's not.

02:01:37.000 Like, I don't think anyone can say what's funny is funny, actually.

02:01:40.000 Sure you can.

02:01:41.000 It's subjective.

02:01:42.000 Right, but you say what's funny to you, and that is what's funny.

02:01:44.000 So I think what's funny to him is who he chose to have on his show.

02:01:48.000 I totally understand that, but I don't understand why you connected to, like, your personal feelings on people saying that you weren't...

02:01:54.000 Don't you connect everything to your personal feelings?

02:01:56.000 But saying that you weren't funny and you were a girl and that you were actually funnier than them. 0.63

02:02:00.000 They weren't saying I wasn't funny.

02:02:01.000 They were saying, like, what...

02:02:02.000 Well, they wanted you to be quiet.

02:02:03.000 What they wanted for me.

02:02:04.000 They wanted you to be quiet and they wanted the guys to be talking and you were funnier than the guys.

02:02:08.000 Right.

02:02:08.000 Like, me, like, as a person with a personality was, like, dismissed.

02:02:12.000 Like, you're...

02:02:12.000 Right.

02:02:13.000 We will come get the girls, like, when we need them.

02:02:15.000 I understand from you personally, but him, why does that, his statement, had zero to do with gender or race?

02:02:23.000 How can you say that has zero to do with gender or race?

02:02:26.000 Because he was saying very clearly he doesn't care.

02:02:29.000 As long as you're funny, that's what he cares.

02:02:31.000 You can make a statement, what's funny is funny.

02:02:33.000 I mean, that's so easy to say.

02:02:36.000 Like, you just...

02:02:37.000 That's such a, like, I don't care.

02:02:39.000 You can just say, I don't care.

02:02:41.000 What's funny is funny.

02:02:42.000 So you're accusing him of being dishonest?

02:02:44.000 No.

02:02:45.000 I think that that is absolutely what he means.

02:02:48.000 I'm so confused.

02:02:49.000 I love you.

02:02:50.000 I don't want to get into an argument with you about this.

02:02:52.000 I don't at all feel like we're in an argument.

02:02:54.000 Okay, good.

02:02:54.000 I want you to understand, too.

02:02:57.000 What I'm saying is, I believe that he believes what he's saying.

02:03:02.000 You're saying he discriminates in some way because of his choices and that his choices should reflect a broader range of human beings just to...

02:03:11.000 I don't think...

02:03:12.000 I would never use the word should with what Jerry Seinfeld should be watching.

02:03:17.000 So tell me how his choices bring up in you this idea that somehow or another you're personally discriminated against.

02:03:25.000 Because I think to say what's funny is funny is like, I don't think that's true because comedy is so subjective.

02:03:36.000 Right, but it is to him.

02:03:38.000 Right, but wait, let me work through this.

02:03:40.000 Okay.

02:03:42.000 But that's the thing.

02:03:44.000 What's funny is funny to me.

02:03:49.000 But I don't think he said that.

02:03:52.000 I think he said what's funny is funny.

02:03:54.000 He said the language I speak is funny.

02:03:58.000 All I'm interested in is if you're funny.

02:04:00.000 That's what he said.

02:04:01.000 Right, so saying that, but then also choosing 10 white male comics for the first season of his show...

02:04:09.000 He's saying, like, sorry, if you guys were funnier, other races and women, than you would have been on the first season of my show. 0.76

02:04:20.000 And I'm saying, I don't think that he's seen...

02:04:23.000 I don't think that he's as open to seeing people other than that prototype.

02:04:30.000 And that is what connects me to my childhood stuff.

02:04:36.000 Because...

02:04:38.000 People are used to, this is who I'm used to being funny.

02:04:41.000 People who look like this. 0.96

02:04:43.000 People who do this.

02:04:44.000 And so that's why I'm connecting it.

02:04:47.000 I understand.

02:04:48.000 I understand what you're saying.

02:04:49.000 I think you're adding a lot of extra stuff to what he's saying.

02:04:53.000 And I think you're also not taking into consideration the idea that this is his individual creation.

02:04:59.000 This idea of a web show.

02:05:01.000 And that he has probably dozens and dozens of friends.

02:05:04.000 If he's doing 10 episodes and he has dozens of the greatest comedians in the world, I don't think that it should be up to him to diversify his cast.

02:05:14.000 Neither do I. So then what he said is essentially, I'm interested in, are people funny?

02:05:18.000 If you're funny, that's what I'm interested in.

02:05:19.000 To him, that's a true statement.

02:05:21.000 It may be very well subjective.

02:05:24.000 You might think that some of those people are not funny, whereas, you know, there's people that think that a perfect example is Gilbert Gottfried.

02:05:30.000 There's people that think that Gilbert Gottfried is the funniest dude to ever walk the face near.

02:05:34.000 Every comedian, yeah.

02:05:35.000 Not every comedian.

02:05:36.000 I know comedians who can't...

02:05:37.000 No, no, no.

02:05:37.000 What I'm saying is every comedian, you can say, this guy's hilarious, and then someone else will say...

02:05:41.000 And I don't like it when...

02:05:43.000 I would never say any comedian's not funny.

02:05:45.000 Like, just, oh, he's not funny.

02:05:47.000 It's like, no, you don't think...

02:05:49.000 He's funny.

02:05:50.000 Exactly.

02:05:51.000 It's like everything else.

02:05:52.000 It's like music.

02:05:53.000 It's like movies.

02:05:54.000 It's like anything else.

02:05:55.000 I don't think Seinfeld should have done anything different.

02:05:58.000 And I don't think that he should have to.

02:06:04.000 I think he wants to make the show.

02:06:05.000 He should make it with the people he wants.

02:06:07.000 Just like Girls. 1.00

02:06:08.000 That show got a bunch of shit for just having white people on. 1.00

02:06:10.000 Let them make the show that they want. 1.00

02:06:12.000 Right.

02:06:13.000 But I'm allowed to, that's allowed to trigger something in me that I can feel like his choice to not do that, even though he's every right and I think you should make the show you want to make, that does trigger something in me.

02:06:28.000 It's not that I wasn't on the show.

02:06:29.000 When you analyze it though, do you feel it's fair?

02:06:31.000 Does it make sense objectively when you analyze your feelings inside of you?

02:06:34.000 No.

02:06:35.000 Okay.

02:06:36.000 So you don't validate them.

02:06:37.000 You don't try to justify them.

02:06:39.000 They're just in there.

02:06:39.000 I understand them.

02:06:41.000 I have a right to my feelings about it.

02:06:43.000 I don't think they're right or wrong.

02:06:45.000 Okay.

02:06:46.000 And I think all day long we're triggered by people or interactions.

02:06:50.000 It's like why you yell at a bank teller.

02:06:53.000 Do you yell at bank tellers?

02:06:54.000 I don't go to a bank.

02:06:55.000 I have a business manager.

02:06:56.000 Okay.

02:06:57.000 But you know what I mean?

02:06:59.000 It's like, you know, somebody triggers something in you and it brings up old stuff.

02:07:02.000 And I think Seinfeld's so funny.

02:07:04.000 I really like him.

02:07:05.000 I see him when I'm at the cellar.

02:07:08.000 But seeing that, hearing him talk about it on Stern, it brings up...

02:07:13.000 It does bring that up for me.

02:07:15.000 And I don't think that...

02:07:17.000 And I understand why it doesn't make sense to you.

02:07:20.000 Well, I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense.

02:07:23.000 Your feelings absolutely make sense.

02:07:24.000 You know, we might...

02:07:27.000 Disagree with whether or not it's valid, but you seem to think that it's not even valid, that it's just reality.

02:07:32.000 And just these are feelings that are brought up, and these are your feelings, and you don't justify them or rationalize them in any way.

02:07:39.000 You're just being honest about them.

02:07:40.000 I think it makes perfect sense for why that would trigger that in me.

02:07:46.000 Right, but as long as you don't hold him responsible for that.

02:07:48.000 I don't.

02:07:49.000 I don't think he should do anything different.

02:07:51.000 Some people do, though.

02:07:52.000 I don't.

02:07:53.000 Well, that's good.

02:07:54.000 You have a very healthy attitude about it.

02:07:55.000 I mean, I really don't.

02:07:57.000 I think what's funny is funny is...

02:08:02.000 I think that statement should...

02:08:05.000 And maybe it did, and I just didn't catch it, but it should include what's funny to me is funny to me.

02:08:10.000 Because saying what's funny is funny...

02:08:12.000 I think that was implied.

02:08:13.000 He's saying, I'm interested in what's funny.

02:08:16.000 That's what I speak.

02:08:16.000 I don't know.

02:08:17.000 Some people speak with a lot of authority...

02:08:24.000 I don't know.

02:08:25.000 I've never heard him say this, but I think some people can act like they are the decider of what's funny and what's not.

02:08:36.000 I've had a great reaction.

02:08:40.000 I feel very lucky and work has paid off and people come to see me.

02:08:44.000 And I make people laugh, I think.

02:08:46.000 But if someone's like, I don't like your stand-up, I'm like, sure.

02:08:52.000 If they're like, you're not funny, I'm like, no, that's not true.

02:08:56.000 Right.

02:08:57.000 Okay. 0.98

02:08:57.000 I get all that personal shit, but I think you might be applying it in this situation in a way that's like you're adding a bunch of stuff to what he said. 0.98

02:09:05.000 You know, I really think you have to take into consideration. 0.98

02:09:07.000 What did I add to what he said?

02:09:08.000 Well, just the feelings.

02:09:10.000 Like this connecting it to him saying that, you know, or him being some sort of an arbiter of what's funny.

02:09:15.000 You know what I should add into the mix here?

02:09:18.000 You're PMSing?

02:09:19.000 No.

02:09:20.000 No.

02:09:21.000 But again, that is something that nature creates that's not my fault. 0.82

02:09:26.000 That we're punished for, like, why are you being crazy?

02:09:30.000 Like, do you think I want to feel crazy? 0.91

02:09:32.000 Am I like, ooh, can I please, like, bleed once a month and feel insane?

02:09:37.000 Because that's what I want.

02:09:39.000 No.

02:09:39.000 And I think I might be PMS. No.

02:09:43.000 But I also, you know, I've been working at the Comedy Cellar for seven years now.

02:09:51.000 And been a stand-up for ten.

02:09:54.000 And I also, you know, I have interactions with Seinfeld once in a while.

02:10:02.000 And so this isn't just me seeing the comedian Jerry Seinfeld...

02:10:07.000 Has a television...

02:10:09.000 Has a web series.

02:10:11.000 And he didn't use...

02:10:11.000 I'm not just reading these headlines.

02:10:14.000 I also have like...

02:10:16.000 You know...

02:10:18.000 Personal experiences with him that lead you to believe he thinks in a certain way.

02:10:23.000 Just...

02:10:24.000 Like...

02:10:24.000 And you know what?

02:10:25.000 These are...

02:10:26.000 I'm sure they're unfounded.

02:10:28.000 What they trigger in me.

02:10:30.000 But you can't help that stuff.

02:10:31.000 People do it to me all day.

02:10:32.000 I know I look like...

02:10:33.000 I look like... 0.99

02:10:35.000 Somebody you went to high school with that was annoying or a bitch or something. 1.00

02:10:40.000 And people just are like, eh. 0.98

02:10:42.000 And you're like, it's not my fault, but you're not wrong.

02:10:47.000 So when I see that video and what's funny is funny, I do feel like he's dismissing, not by the choice to just use white male comics in the first season of your show.

02:11:03.000 Do your thing.

02:11:04.000 Do whatever you want, of course.

02:11:08.000 But it does bring up feelings in me, which that's okay.

02:11:15.000 Yeah, I mean, as long as you're not blaming him, and all you're just doing is being honest about your feelings, and sometimes people trigger feelings in people unintentionally.

02:11:23.000 I'm not blaming him for anything.

02:11:24.000 Things are going well.

02:11:25.000 Of course.

02:11:26.000 But I'm saying that it doesn't mean that those feelings are invalid.

02:11:29.000 If something triggers those feelings, it doesn't mean that...

02:11:32.000 Look... 0.99

02:11:33.000 Life triggers shit in people. 1.00

02:11:35.000 You watch an eagle snatch a fawn and fly off with it. 1.00

02:11:39.000 You might freak out, but guess what? 1.00

02:11:41.000 It's tough shit. 0.99

02:11:42.000 People will lash out at me. 1.00

02:11:45.000 A girl, when I was opening for a towel, she would write to me like, I know you're having sex with him. 1.00

02:11:49.000 I was like, what? 0.96

02:11:51.000 He's my friend and I opened her... 0.87

02:11:52.000 Is this a girl that Attell was dating or just some crazy girl?

02:11:56.000 No, I don't even think so.

02:11:56.000 Is it a Attell fan?

02:11:57.000 And it was like, I know.

02:11:58.000 She had created this whole thing.

02:11:59.000 And people reached out.

02:12:00.000 That was me, by the way, under a pseudonym.

02:12:01.000 Was it you?

02:12:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:02.000 I'm tired of you and Attell fucking. 1.00

02:12:04.000 But when people are mad about something that you know, I would just think, I hope she's okay. 0.99

02:12:12.000 Good for you. 1.00

02:12:14.000 Me, I'd hope she'd get hit in the head by a fucking meteor. 1.00

02:12:16.000 Too many people. 1.00

02:12:18.000 But I'm just like, you know, people will feel real strong about things that make no sense, or they have sort of no business.

02:12:26.000 Yeah, it just doesn't make any sense.

02:12:28.000 But it's like, so you feel that way, and that's okay.

02:12:32.000 I think he, obviously, he's an amazing comic and made one of my favorite television shows.

02:12:45.000 I understand what you're doing.

02:12:47.000 I mean, you're also trying to dance around your words and be, you know, very fair about all this.

02:12:51.000 It's a very tricky subject.

02:12:52.000 It's a bold one to sort of take on.

02:12:54.000 I work with these people.

02:12:55.000 Yeah.

02:12:56.000 No, I know what you're saying.

02:12:56.000 I know what you're saying.

02:12:58.000 And I'm glad you don't think that I think in that way at all.

02:13:01.000 I try to be...

02:13:02.000 But I think it triggers something in you because you're mad that people were mad at him.

02:13:05.000 We're giving him a hard time.

02:13:06.000 Yeah.

02:13:06.000 So what was that?

02:13:08.000 Because I don't think that you should be forced to hang around with anybody other than the people that you choose to hang around with.

02:13:14.000 Whether it's cast them on your own television show or whether it's put them on your podcast or whether it's go on the road with them.

02:13:21.000 Yeah.

02:13:21.000 It's annoying.

02:13:22.000 It's stupid. 1.00

02:13:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:22.000 I don't think you should have to, but I don't love that he didn't naturally want to do that. 1.00

02:13:27.000 And I'm allowed to feel that way.

02:13:29.000 But naturally wanting to do something doesn't...

02:13:31.000 I don't think he had enough choices.

02:13:33.000 Like, let's say...

02:13:34.000 Well, then that's a different conversation.

02:13:36.000 But I think you're right.

02:13:37.000 Well, this is the whole conversation, because there's only ten spots.

02:13:40.000 I mean, how many people does he love that are in those ten spots, and why do one or two of them have to be women?

02:13:45.000 Well, let's look at who was on the first season.

02:13:46.000 I don't know.

02:13:47.000 Can you...

02:13:47.000 I don't know.

02:13:48.000 Can you look?

02:13:48.000 Can we...

02:13:49.000 I have no idea.

02:13:50.000 I really have only watched two of them.

02:13:52.000 I watched one with, not Eddie Izzard.

02:13:55.000 I watched one with Lucy Kay on the boat.

02:13:56.000 What's homeboy Eddie?

02:13:59.000 The other Eddie.

02:13:59.000 Other English Eddie.

02:14:01.000 God damn it. 0.99

02:14:01.000 Famous guy. 0.99

02:14:03.000 Not Eddie Izzard.

02:14:04.000 The other one.

02:14:04.000 Eddie Murph?

02:14:05.000 Oh no.

02:14:06.000 Of course not.

02:14:06.000 The English guy.

02:14:07.000 What the fuck is his name? 1.00

02:14:09.000 Eddie? 1.00

02:14:09.000 The English guy? 1.00

02:14:10.000 Who's that other famous English guy? 0.99

02:14:14.000 That fucking other comedian that's on all the time? 0.98

02:14:17.000 He must be one of the 10 funniest people alive. 0.99

02:14:19.000 What is his name, Jamie?

02:14:19.000 Who's the other...

02:14:20.000 I was on Opie and Anthony with him. 1.00

02:14:22.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

02:14:23.000 I can't believe I can't remember his name. 1.00

02:14:25.000 Eddie?

02:14:26.000 Oh my God.

02:14:27.000 Come on, he's one of the 10 funniest people alive.

02:14:30.000 Thank you.

02:14:30.000 Ricky Gervais.

02:14:31.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

02:14:33.000 Thank you very much. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Amy Schumer's sister comes in the clutch.

02:14:38.000 I can't believe it.

02:14:39.000 Sorry, Ricky Gervais.

02:14:40.000 I love that she was your interpreter.

02:14:41.000 I was so blown away by Eddie Izzard's accomplishment of running a thousand miles.

02:14:46.000 He stained my brain.

02:14:47.000 What's the name of the show?

02:14:48.000 The Office?

02:14:48.000 No, his...

02:14:50.000 Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?

02:14:51.000 Is that what you're asking?

02:14:52.000 Okay, so the 10 funniest Ricky Gervais.

02:14:55.000 The only one I saw, I saw Ricky Gervais and I saw Letterman.

02:14:59.000 Those are the two that I've seen.

02:15:00.000 He's had a bunch of them.

02:15:01.000 Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Brian Regan.

02:15:05.000 He had a bunch of his friends.

02:15:06.000 I mean, that's really essentially what he had.

02:15:08.000 He had 10 of his friends.

02:15:09.000 And they happened to be all white guys.

02:15:11.000 Yeah, I think that triggers...

02:15:13.000 Chris Rock was on there too, though.

02:15:14.000 Was that season 1?

02:15:16.000 Yeah.

02:15:17.000 Season 2, Chris Rock was on season 2. Where's season one?

02:15:21.000 And then there's Louis C.K. in there and Sarah Silverman's in there in season two.

02:15:26.000 Okay, season one.

02:15:27.000 These are the, what's funniest, funny, the ten funniest people.

02:15:29.000 Michael Richards, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks.

02:15:32.000 Can't argue that one ever.

02:15:33.000 Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner.

02:15:35.000 There's a black guy.

02:15:37.000 By the way, Mario Joyner is, you know, a good friend of his and a hilarious comedian.

02:15:42.000 Look, I don't think he's having meetings.

02:15:43.000 I just...

02:15:44.000 He's putting people on that he thinks is funny.

02:15:46.000 Those are the people he got.

02:15:48.000 You know, I don't know.

02:15:49.000 Barry...

02:15:50.000 I can see what you're saying, but I don't think you're dealing with a large focus group.

02:15:55.000 I would never put somebody on my show because I thought they filled some diversity count. 0.99

02:16:01.000 I think everybody should be able to have whatever.

02:16:04.000 If you never had girls ever on your podcast, that's your choice.

02:16:11.000 And I would have feelings about it.

02:16:12.000 Not because you should have to have them.

02:16:15.000 I love that you love women and think women are funny.

02:16:19.000 That's not how everybody feels.

02:16:21.000 It's not all of them though.

02:16:21.000 Of course not.

02:16:22.000 I like the funny ones.

02:16:23.000 I know.

02:16:24.000 But I'm saying that's something that you notice.

02:16:27.000 That's the men too though.

02:16:27.000 Because there are still men who are just like, eh, the women in the clubs.

02:16:33.000 I swear.

02:16:33.000 That's still a thing.

02:16:36.000 And I don't think that Seinfeld even feels that way.

02:16:40.000 Yeah, I think.

02:16:58.000 There's reactions that a lot of people have that are prejudiced against women that they don't necessarily have against men.

02:17:03.000 When a woman goes on stage, I feel like she's a point behind. 1.00

02:17:06.000 At least one.

02:17:07.000 You know, right away.

02:17:08.000 Especially if she goes on stage and she has any sort of opinions about politics or sexuality or anything.

02:17:15.000 I mean, a lot of times women are forced in a lot of ways to be self-deprecating at a level that a man isn't just to sort of get in the door. 1.00

02:17:25.000 Well, a guy doesn't want to listen to you unless he thinks he could definitely fuck you. 1.00

02:17:30.000 There's that, maybe, for some people. 1.00

02:17:33.000 No, I don't even believe that.

02:17:34.000 I don't even believe that, but...

02:17:35.000 Some guys, yeah.

02:17:38.000 But, um...

02:17:39.000 I think...

02:17:41.000 I think Judy's hilarious. 1.00

02:17:44.000 I think, you know...

02:17:46.000 You know, I'm not...

02:17:51.000 I'm looking at you and we're having this conversation and I think men are all triggered by women in general because who's the woman you've known the longest?

02:18:03.000 Your mom.

02:18:04.000 Men are triggered by women in general.

02:18:06.000 I think when women talk... 1.00

02:18:07.000 Yeah, when a woman is talking longer than... 1.00

02:18:11.000 It can just...

02:18:13.000 Yeah, I think it can...

02:18:14.000 What about when a man's talking longer? 0.99

02:18:15.000 You want to beat the shit out of him. 0.99

02:18:16.000 It's a completely different reaction. 1.00

02:18:18.000 Really? 1.00

02:18:18.000 Yeah, when men are talking longer, you're like, dude, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:18:22.000 It's an aggressively assaulting on your senses sort of thing. 0.99

02:18:27.000 When a guy is overbearing and talks too much, men get angry.

02:18:31.000 You know, men might get bored. 0.98

02:18:33.000 Everybody gets bored if anybody has shitty social cues. 0.92

02:18:36.000 If they're boring and monotonous and self-obsessed and they don't understand the ins and the outs of a conversation, the ebb and flow of two people enjoying each other's company. 0.85

02:18:46.000 If one person is just yapping at you like I'm doing right now, just yapping at you, I'm not even letting you talk.

02:18:50.000 No, you are.

02:18:51.000 What are you talking about?

02:18:52.000 I think you're right.

02:18:53.000 I think when you go on a stage as a woman, when you start out, you have a strike against you.

02:18:59.000 Yes.

02:18:59.000 More than one, I think.

02:19:00.000 But I have enjoyed that strike.

02:19:01.000 I kind of miss it because it was really fun to go up there and surprise everybody.

02:19:07.000 It still is.

02:19:09.000 Right.

02:19:09.000 So like your first joke, you get off, boom, they start laughing.

02:19:11.000 They're like, wait a minute.

02:19:13.000 And you feel the tension leave the room.

02:19:14.000 And then you're like, yeah.

02:19:15.000 Yeah.

02:19:16.000 Then they have their confidence.

02:19:18.000 When I got eliminated from Last Comic Standing, because they're bringing that show back.

02:19:23.000 How dare they?

02:19:24.000 I know.

02:19:26.000 Who's hosting it?

02:19:27.000 JB. Smooth.

02:19:30.000 Oh, really?

02:19:30.000 Yeah.

02:19:31.000 Did he host the last ones?

02:19:33.000 No. 0.98

02:19:34.000 JB Smooth is fucking hilarious. 0.98

02:19:36.000 He's so funny. 0.99

02:19:36.000 I got a great story about him. 0.99

02:19:38.000 But they showed me a clip.

02:19:39.000 One of my worst bombings ever.

02:19:41.000 Was what?

02:19:42.000 Following JB? No, I went on before him.

02:19:45.000 Oh my god.

02:19:46.000 He was supposed to go on first, and I was supposed to go on second.

02:19:49.000 We were working together in New Jersey, and he got lost.

02:19:52.000 I got lost too.

02:19:53.000 It was a really hard place to find. 0.99

02:19:54.000 It was some weird fucking college in New Jersey. 0.93

02:19:56.000 So the show was already like 20 minutes late, and JB's not here, and I got there late, and they said, we're going to wait for him to come. 0.96

02:20:04.000 Why don't you just have a seat in the rec room?

02:20:05.000 So I sit down in the rec room, and I start watching this documentary on the Malibu fires.

02:20:10.000 And oh my god, is it depressing.

02:20:13.000 People who lost their homes and this kid was calling out for their dog.

02:20:18.000 They were hoping their dog made it. 0.99

02:20:20.000 And they're walking, smoldering fucking embers of their house. 0.99

02:20:24.000 And they're walking around, Rusty! 0.99

02:20:25.000 Where are you, Rusty?

02:20:27.000 They're calling out for a dog, and then this guy comes down, and he was a fireman, and he didn't even lose his house.

02:20:32.000 They saved his house, but his neighbors lost their house, and this guy was weeping.

02:20:37.000 I mean, openly weeping.

02:20:39.000 He was talking about how this house is all he has, and that he saved for 40 years to build this house, and this was his house.

02:20:47.000 And he was so worried that he was going to lose his house.

02:20:49.000 And he feels bad that he's happy that he kept his house because his neighbors lost their house. 0.99

02:20:54.000 And he's fucking crying and weeping. 0.98

02:20:56.000 And they go, okay, JB Smooth is still not here. 0.99

02:20:59.000 So we're going to have you go on stage.

02:21:01.000 So can you go on stage now?

02:21:02.000 And I was like, yeah, okay.

02:21:04.000 Okay, yeah, let me just get a water and I'll go on stage. 0.99

02:21:06.000 And I just went on stage and... 0.99

02:21:09.000 I ate the shit buffet of my life. 1.00

02:21:12.000 And my girlfriend was with me. 1.00

02:21:14.000 And I tried to explain it to her.

02:21:16.000 She had seen me do well before.

02:21:18.000 But I tried to explain to her.

02:21:19.000 I was just not going to do good.

02:21:22.000 There's no way I would do good.

02:21:23.000 It was a horrible, horrible experience. 1.00

02:21:25.000 So I went up there and just ate plates of shit. 0.99

02:21:28.000 And then JB Smooth shows up after me and destroys. 0.99

02:21:32.000 Just levels the place.

02:21:34.000 And they were so happy to see him.

02:21:36.000 Because I was so terrible.

02:21:37.000 Yeah.

02:21:38.000 Oh, it was awful.

02:21:39.000 And they were like, he was really funny at NACA. I swear he was funny.

02:21:43.000 Like, I'd hear them talking when I got off stage about how bad I was.

02:21:47.000 That's the worst.

02:21:47.000 Like, the people that booked it, they were, like, trying to say at the convention he was very funny.

02:21:50.000 We liked him.

02:21:51.000 He was really funny.

02:21:52.000 That's why we bought him.

02:21:54.000 And then I go, I'm sorry, I watched that thing on the fires.

02:21:57.000 They go, why'd you do that?

02:21:57.000 Yeah, that's not smart.

02:21:58.000 I'm like, you fucking sat me in that room with a TV and that was on. 1.00

02:22:01.000 I didn't flip the channel to that shit. 1.00

02:22:03.000 That just was on. 1.00

02:22:04.000 Oh my god.

02:22:05.000 I learned a lesson, though.

02:22:07.000 It's valuable.

02:22:08.000 What you have in your mind right before you go on stage is very, very, very important.

02:22:13.000 I've done it more than one time where I've gone on stage after seeing something awful.

02:22:17.000 Precious is on.

02:22:18.000 Let's just catch this while they're introducing you.

02:22:20.000 Read a book about the Kennedy assassination once.

02:22:23.000 All day.

02:22:23.000 Read this book all day for like 10 hours.

02:22:26.000 And then went on stage and just ate dick. 0.99

02:22:30.000 Just chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. 1.00

02:22:31.000 Just couldn't be funny. 1.00

02:22:32.000 I was like, they fucking killed Kennedy. 1.00

02:22:34.000 They fucking killed Kennedy. 1.00

02:22:35.000 Okay? 1.00

02:22:36.000 The casket was empty.

02:22:37.000 Okay?

02:22:38.000 There's a different...

02:22:39.000 In the autopsy report... 0.99

02:22:40.000 I was fucking ranting to anybody who wanted to listen to me. 0.99

02:22:42.000 Now you're just listening to Eye of the Tiger watching Home Alone. 0.99

02:22:46.000 No, now I just try to be relaxed and have fun.

02:22:49.000 I have a bunch of different songs that I like to listen to.

02:22:52.000 I like to listen to fun music and have my friends around, but no negativity.

02:22:59.000 Even if something negative happens, I'm not getting in there.

02:23:01.000 Everybody has to have good energy.

02:23:03.000 Yeah, but I'm not getting in there.

02:23:04.000 I gotta go.

02:23:05.000 See you.

02:23:06.000 Giggle all the way out of there.

02:23:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:23:08.000 While rocks and fucking torches are being thrown my way. 0.99

02:23:11.000 You gotta know what to let in and what not to let in right before you go on stage. 0.99

02:23:15.000 True.

02:23:15.000 Super important.

02:23:16.000 Especially when people pay to see you.

02:23:18.000 Yeah.

02:23:18.000 You know, someone's going out there to see Amy Schumer.

02:23:21.000 You can't go on stage.

02:23:22.000 Yeah.

02:23:23.000 I try to do the best I've ever done every time.

02:23:26.000 That's huge.

02:23:27.000 That's everything.

02:23:27.000 I mean, that's what endears you to fans.

02:23:30.000 There's no other way around it.

02:23:31.000 And you remember what it was like when you were a fan.

02:23:33.000 Yeah.

02:23:34.000 Bill Burr was on the podcast and he said it best in sort of his own Bill Burr type language. 0.96

02:23:39.000 He goes, I remember when I was a kid, I'd go see a band and then you go see them a year later and they fucking phone it in. 1.00

02:23:46.000 They just, they fuck you. 0.99

02:23:47.000 I never forgot, you know, and I just make a deal with people. 1.00

02:23:51.000 I'm not gonna fuck you. 1.00

02:23:52.000 I'm not gonna fuck you. 1.00

02:23:54.000 I'm gonna write new jokes. 1.00

02:23:55.000 I'm not gonna fuck you. 0.99

02:23:56.000 I'm gonna work hard. 1.00

02:23:57.000 He's one of the best.

02:23:59.000 But he's a real artist, you know?

02:24:00.000 I mean, he's really that guy.

02:24:01.000 He's really a great comic.

02:24:03.000 I mean, that's what he's...

02:24:04.000 He's supposed to do in this life.

02:24:05.000 He found the perfect occupation, he's fantastic at it, and he's got a real ethic for it.

02:24:10.000 There's a gang of them right now.

02:24:12.000 There's, you know, there's guys, people that people haven't heard of, like Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura is gaining steam.

02:24:19.000 Those guys are gaining steam, and their podcast is gaining steam.

02:24:22.000 And then there's people that people forgot about, like Attell.

02:24:25.000 Attell and Bill Burr are my...

02:24:26.000 I would pay to see them above everybody else right now.

02:24:29.000 Me, it's Stanhope.

02:24:30.000 I pay Stanhope over everybody.

02:24:32.000 He's my boy.

02:24:33.000 He's so funny.

02:24:34.000 Yeah.

02:24:35.000 Well, there's a bunch of great ones right now.

02:24:37.000 Chelsea Peretti, I think, is like... 1.00

02:24:39.000 I need to see her.

02:24:40.000 You have to see her.

02:24:41.000 I need to see her.

02:24:42.000 Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite, though. 0.88

02:24:44.000 If I had to choose one comic, the last set that I ever got to see in my life before the fucking Great Meteor lands, it's Diaz. 0.77

02:24:51.000 That's a tell for me. 1.00

02:24:52.000 Diaz, smoking a joint on stage, talking about his balls. 1.00

02:24:57.000 Just heaven. 0.99

02:24:59.000 Just take this plane right down.

02:25:01.000 Are you enjoying doing your show?

02:25:02.000 Yeah.

02:25:03.000 Is it stressful?

02:25:05.000 Yeah, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

02:25:08.000 It's a lot of work, but the result, you're enjoying the process.

02:25:13.000 I enjoy the process of making it.

02:25:15.000 Awesome.

02:25:16.000 It's getting great reviews.

02:25:18.000 It is.

02:25:19.000 You're saying like, yeah!

02:25:22.000 I was like, I'm going to make this show that I think is really funny, and I didn't know if people were going to be into it.

02:25:27.000 There's a lot of darkness on your show.

02:25:29.000 Well, have you met me?

02:25:31.000 Well, you're a happy dark person. 1.00

02:25:34.000 It's an unusual type of darkness.

02:25:36.000 It's not overwhelming.

02:25:38.000 Overbearing is the better word.

02:25:40.000 It's a fun darkness.

02:25:42.000 I like to have fun, but I do.

02:25:43.000 My mind goes dark.

02:25:46.000 Do you face any resistance subject matter-wise or the things you want to cover?

02:25:51.000 No.

02:25:52.000 I don't think so.

02:25:52.000 Not really.

02:25:54.000 Well, that's awesome.

02:25:56.000 Yeah, but then it's like a lot of pressure on you because they're like, okay, the network, like, no notes.

02:26:01.000 Well, they're letting us. 0.99

02:26:02.000 Like, this season, we were like, we don't think you should be bleeping the word pussy. 0.98

02:26:07.000 And they were like, all right. 0.98

02:26:09.000 We were like, what? 1.00

02:26:10.000 Like, don't be a pussy or my pussy? 1.00

02:26:13.000 Either. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Whoa.

02:26:15.000 It can't be sexual.

02:26:16.000 Hmm. 1.00

02:26:17.000 Well, then it's never my pussy. 1.00

02:26:19.000 No, it is. 1.00

02:26:19.000 My pussy. 1.00

02:26:20.000 My pussy hurts? 1.00

02:26:21.000 Yeah, that's sexual. 1.00

02:26:23.000 That's sexual?

02:26:24.000 Well, it depends on how you say it.

02:26:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:25.000 Well, that black dick. 1.00

02:26:27.000 Damn, my pussy hurts. 1.00

02:26:28.000 Yeah, no. 1.00

02:26:28.000 Right. 1.00

02:26:29.000 My pussy hurts. 1.00

02:26:31.000 Then it's just like, oh, she's just talking about her pussy. 1.00

02:26:33.000 So they said yes to that? 1.00

02:26:34.000 Yeah, it's not bleeped.

02:26:35.000 And we were like, what?

02:26:36.000 That's fantastic.

02:26:36.000 That's awesome.

02:26:37.000 Why not?

02:26:37.000 Welcome to the internet.

02:26:38.000 That's so crazy.

02:26:39.000 Okay, and the internet exists. 0.97

02:26:40.000 You can't just fucking pretend those words aren't being... 0.99

02:26:43.000 Bantered around like one of those badminton birds. 1.00

02:26:46.000 People just tossing pussy around these days. 1.00

02:26:48.000 It's a different world. 1.00

02:26:49.000 I know I am.

02:26:51.000 Yeah, it's a different world, right?

02:26:53.000 You know, that's all self-imposed.

02:26:54.000 All their restrictions on language are completely self-imposed.

02:26:57.000 But I mean, people, yeah, they're just like scared.

02:26:59.000 They don't want to lose their job.

02:27:00.000 But I really appreciate them doing that.

02:27:01.000 Well, it's not that they lose their job.

02:27:02.000 It's losing advertising revenue.

02:27:04.000 And the revenue that they're getting from you is you're already a controversial comedian.

02:27:07.000 You're already tackling dangerous subject matter.

02:27:11.000 Like Seinfeld.

02:27:12.000 Ha! 0.89

02:27:13.000 You're throwing it at him! 1.00

02:27:14.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

02:27:15.000 I see what you're doing. 1.00

02:27:16.000 Hey, funny is funny, right?

02:27:18.000 Whatever, whatever.

02:27:19.000 Funny is funny. 0.99

02:27:22.000 So, what about shit? 1.00

02:27:23.000 Shit flies too, right? 1.00

02:27:25.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:27:25.000 You can say bullshit, right? 1.00

02:27:27.000 I think there's a... 1.00

02:27:28.000 I heard the phrase tonnage issue. 1.00

02:27:29.000 I think you can say shit like a couple times. 0.99

02:27:31.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:27:33.000 Now, if your show airs late at night, like after a certain time, do they have a difference in what they bleep and what they don't?

02:27:40.000 Because I know they do with stand-up.

02:27:42.000 Yeah, totally.

02:27:45.000 There's a lot less bleeps after.

02:27:47.000 There's subject matter restrictions though, even in the un-bleeped one. 0.98

02:27:50.000 What's interesting, they bleeped some shit out. 0.94

02:27:52.000 When they aired my stand-up special, my last special, they bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff. 0.98

02:27:57.000 Thank you. 0.92

02:27:58.000 They bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff that they edited out of the unedited stuff. 0.96

02:28:04.000 They decided without the bleeping, it's just this gay marriage time machine bit I have. 0.99

02:28:12.000 Wait, what?

02:28:13.000 I love that you did it.

02:28:14.000 You did it in Atlanta, right?

02:28:15.000 Yeah.

02:28:16.000 Why did you choose Atlanta?

02:28:18.000 I love Atlanta.

02:28:18.000 You love it?

02:28:19.000 I love it too.

02:28:20.000 It's an awesome city.

02:28:20.000 Yeah.

02:28:21.000 It's one of those cities that people don't, they sleep on it.

02:28:23.000 Yeah.

02:28:24.000 They sleep on Atlanta.

02:28:24.000 Atlanta's a great city.

02:28:25.000 Those people are ready to go nuts.

02:28:27.000 It's a very diverse city too. 0.86

02:28:29.000 There's a lot of diversity in Atlanta.

02:28:32.000 There's a lot of alternative people as far as tattooed up and piercings.

02:28:38.000 There's a lot of real southern people.

02:28:40.000 There's a lot of black people.

02:28:41.000 A lot of black people that are professionals.

02:28:45.000 A lot of black lawyers.

02:28:47.000 More so, I think.

02:28:49.000 You see more integration of black and white folks hanging out and partying together.

02:28:54.000 You know, I see that more in Atlanta than I do almost anywhere.

02:28:57.000 And I'm sure racism still exists.

02:28:59.000 I'm not naive, but I think that I enjoy the diversity when I go out in Atlanta.

02:29:04.000 I think it's a...

02:29:05.000 Yeah, it's a good feeling.

02:29:06.000 So much so that I've thought about living there.

02:29:08.000 There's a lot of nonsense in Atlanta, too.

02:29:10.000 There's a bunch of people who move to Atlanta, like celebrities have houses there.

02:29:13.000 It's not a bad spot.

02:29:14.000 That's what I feel about New Orleans.

02:29:16.000 I feel like it's the same vibe there.

02:29:17.000 It's everybody, age, race, nothing matters.

02:29:20.000 Everybody's just hanging out.

02:29:22.000 Well, I think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be partying, you're going to have people that are more inclined to be fun.

02:29:27.000 That's just the reality of the world that we live in.

02:29:29.000 You can pretend to be noble by what you were talking about earlier, by abstaining from sex or abstaining from things that you enjoy.

02:29:36.000 Drinking. 0.99

02:29:37.000 Yeah, you can pretend to be noble, but let's get the fuck over that. 0.99

02:29:40.000 This is nonsense. 0.95

02:29:41.000 Let's just hang out and have some drinks and have fun.

02:29:43.000 Right, and who's going to be more inclined to do that is people that are more comfortable with it.

02:29:47.000 Yeah.

02:29:48.000 I love that place.

02:29:50.000 The less restrictions people have, the more I think people can come to a comfortable state on their own without being oppressed.

02:29:58.000 Because that oppression is always going to make people spring back in the other way.

02:30:01.000 If you tell people they can't drink, they want to drink more. 1.00

02:30:03.000 If you tell people they can't fuck, they fuck behind every goddamn closed door you can find. 1.00

02:30:08.000 I know, I went to Catholic school. 1.00

02:30:10.000 I dated this girl in Catholic school, and I talk about her.

02:30:13.000 This poor girl could not, she could not help herself. 0.99

02:30:17.000 If you rolled a dick down, it was like a ball of yarn in front of a kitten. 0.99

02:30:20.000 She would just dive on it. 0.99

02:30:22.000 She didn't even know what she was doing.

02:30:23.000 She would dive on it like a crazy person. 1.00

02:30:26.000 Like, she literally, like, it's unfair if a guy pulled his cock out in front of her. 1.00

02:30:30.000 Because for her, it was just like a fucking leprechaun showed up at the bottom of the rainbow. 1.00

02:30:33.000 It was like, look, I've got the gold! 0.99

02:30:35.000 It's right here!

02:30:36.000 Why does that happen?

02:30:39.000 Suppression.

02:30:39.000 Catholic suppression.

02:30:41.000 That's so funny.

02:30:42.000 Human beings don't like to be told...

02:30:44.000 I have children and I have daughters.

02:30:45.000 I see it very clearly.

02:30:47.000 When you tell them what to do, they go, I want to do it anyway!

02:30:50.000 But if you rationalize with them and have conversations with them and say, listen...

02:30:55.000 We're good to go.

02:31:04.000 We're good to go.

02:31:14.000 Just relax.

02:31:15.000 We'll read some stories.

02:31:16.000 I have these rationalization conversations with them to try to avoid that backlash that comes from being an overbearing parent or an overbearing teacher.

02:31:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:31:26.000 People don't like that shit. 1.00

02:31:27.000 No. 1.00

02:31:27.000 Nobody likes you telling them what to do. 1.00

02:31:29.000 No.

02:31:29.000 Just the way it is.

02:31:30.000 Right.

02:31:31.000 That's why suppression doesn't work in any form, whether it's sexual suppression or making alcohol difficult to get a hold of.

02:31:37.000 People want it.

02:31:38.000 They want it even more. 1.00

02:31:39.000 Look what the fuck is going on in Portugal. 0.98

02:31:40.000 They decriminalize all drugs. 0.99

02:31:43.000 And they have way lower cases of HIV, way lower cases of addiction.

02:31:52.000 All these numbers dropped.

02:31:53.000 Their society leveled out.

02:31:55.000 Because there wasn't this massive stigma attached to all this stuff anymore.

02:31:59.000 I did not know that.

02:32:00.000 Over the last nine years.

02:32:01.000 Would you want to take a vacation there?

02:32:03.000 I don't mean, why not?

02:32:05.000 Why not Portuguese? 0.99

02:32:06.000 I think if you go somewhere, another country, I mean, unless I go for work, I would at least want to acquire a rudimentary grasp of the language.

02:32:15.000 Yeah.

02:32:16.000 Just out of respect.

02:32:17.000 Yeah, that's tough.

02:32:19.000 It's very hard. 1.00

02:32:20.000 Even in Spain, you think you speak Spanish, and they're like, no, bitch, actually, you suck. 1.00

02:32:26.000 Well, in France, apparently, everybody talks shit about the French, but from my friends' experiences that I've talked to them, they say, as long as you try, as long as you make some effort to communicate with them, they're very polite. 1.00

02:32:38.000 What they don't like is Americans like... 1.00

02:32:40.000 How much is this?

02:32:41.000 Can I give you American money?

02:32:43.000 And, like, shake it in front of their face.

02:32:45.000 Yeah.

02:32:45.000 In Spain, they would, like, say something in Spanish, and they would answer you in English.

02:32:49.000 Oh, really? 0.99

02:32:50.000 Yeah, they're like, shut up. 0.99

02:32:51.000 That's beautiful. 0.55

02:32:51.000 But, yeah, but they, like, didn't respect that. 0.55

02:32:53.000 Like, psych!

02:32:54.000 Yeah.

02:32:54.000 Yeah, sorry.

02:32:56.000 They're like, $20.

02:32:58.000 I'm like, oh.

02:33:01.000 Did you like Spain?

02:33:02.000 Yeah, I loved it.

02:33:04.000 My buddy Chris lived there for a few years.

02:33:06.000 Where?

02:33:07.000 He lived in Barcelona.

02:33:08.000 Yeah, I almost broke up with a guy because he used the Castilian lisp and it was just the two of us.

02:33:15.000 I swear, you'd be like...

02:33:17.000 What is the Castilian lisp?

02:33:19.000 Barthelona.

02:33:21.000 Oh, is that how they say it?

02:33:22.000 Yeah, but like...

02:33:23.000 Barthelona?

02:33:24.000 Not if you're from Jersey. 0.99

02:33:25.000 Wait a minute, over there they say Barthelona?

02:33:28.000 Yeah.

02:33:28.000 Really?

02:33:29.000 I didn't know that.

02:33:30.000 I mean, not all over Spain, but if you're...

02:33:33.000 In Barcelona, they do it.

02:33:36.000 Yeah.

02:33:37.000 Bartholomew.

02:33:37.000 And it's called the Castilian Lisp?

02:33:38.000 Lisp, yeah.

02:33:39.000 That's fascinating.

02:33:40.000 I learned a new thing from Amy Schumer.

02:33:42.000 I had no idea that was the case.

02:33:44.000 We've talked for probably 30 hours total, and that's...

02:33:47.000 That's the newest of the new things.

02:33:50.000 I'm sure I've learned some things in the past.

02:33:51.000 Let me review them.

02:33:52.000 Don't get touchy. 0.98

02:33:53.000 Well, he said that he never learned anything from me, and he was implying that I was a dumb girl. 0.96

02:33:57.000 And that's what I felt. 0.95

02:33:58.000 Is that me?

02:33:59.000 Is that me? 1.00

02:34:00.000 I'm just fucking with you. 1.00

02:34:02.000 I know, girl. 1.00

02:34:03.000 We're friends, you know.

02:34:04.000 I learned.

02:34:06.000 Barthelona lisp. 0.98

02:34:07.000 Barthelona.

02:34:08.000 A Castilian lisp.

02:34:09.000 Imagine, like, you're just talking to your girlfriend, and she knows you're from New Jersey, and all of a sudden, just the two of you, and you're like, oh, Barthelona?

02:34:15.000 And you're like, um...

02:34:16.000 Barcelona.

02:34:17.000 Say it.

02:34:18.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:18.000 Say it, bitch. 1.00

02:34:19.000 You know who we are. 1.00

02:34:20.000 I was like, please.

02:34:23.000 España.

02:34:24.000 Yeah, España.

02:34:25.000 When the next time we go to España.

02:34:27.000 Wait, what?

02:34:28.000 What?

02:34:28.000 You mean Spain?

02:34:29.000 No. 1.00

02:34:30.000 The fuck are you saying? 1.00

02:34:31.000 You're from Trenton. 1.00

02:34:32.000 You know, I believe when you're over there in the culture, you should embarrass yourself.

02:34:37.000 I'm like, we're in a hotel room and it's just the two of us. 0.99

02:34:40.000 There's a lot of annoying fucking people out there, Amy Schumer, but if it wasn't for them, we would have less to talk about. 0.99

02:34:44.000 Very true. 0.99

02:34:45.000 We wouldn't have as much fun doing comedy.

02:34:47.000 We have to air our grievances on a microphone in front of drunk people.

02:34:50.000 Yeah.

02:34:50.000 Well, not only that, there's a give and a take to the universe.

02:34:53.000 And if everything was all blissful, we would have literally nothing to talk about or talk shit about on stage. 0.96

02:34:59.000 Well, thank God it's far from that. 0.97

02:35:01.000 Without chaos, we wouldn't exist, Amy Schumer.

02:35:04.000 Okay.

02:35:04.000 We would not exist as comedians.

02:35:06.000 There would be no need for us.

02:35:08.000 If everyone achieved enlightenment, we're a dinosaur.

02:35:10.000 We just don't know it yet. 0.99

02:35:11.000 As soon as the fucking machine plugs in and everybody becomes one, the transcendental mind, universal mind mesh happens due to technology, we're out of business. 0.99

02:35:22.000 You've got to stock up all this inside Amy Schumer money now while you can. 0.99

02:35:25.000 Okay. 1.00

02:35:26.000 Because once the fucking singularity hits, you and I are fucked. 1.00

02:35:30.000 When's the singularity hit? 1.00

02:35:31.000 Any day now.

02:35:32.000 Probably 2049, but any day now can happen.

02:35:34.000 I need to get some sneakers.

02:35:36.000 You need one dude from Silicon Valley or one gal or one guy in another country is going to come up with something. 0.97

02:35:43.000 Some fucking invention that's going to change the whole game and flip it right on its head. 0.90

02:35:47.000 And we're all going to be able to read each other's minds and there will be no more jokes. 0.98

02:35:51.000 I'm more worried that I forgot to Tivo Divas on E! this week.

02:35:54.000 I think you can probably get that on demand.

02:35:56.000 We live in a new era.

02:35:57.000 You can get a lot on demand.

02:35:59.000 A lot of shows are going on demand.

02:36:02.000 I see what you did there.

02:36:03.000 You diffused with comedy.

02:36:05.000 Isn't that what we're doing?

02:36:06.000 I think that's what we're doing.

02:36:07.000 We're good at it.

02:36:09.000 Inside Amy Schumer.

02:36:10.000 It's on tomorrow night, right?

02:36:11.000 It seems more like an interview than any conversation I've ever had with you.

02:36:14.000 No.

02:36:15.000 Oh, well, it's usually like a bunch of animals in here.

02:36:17.000 Well, no, it's just the breaking down the mindset, you know, like your thought process.

02:36:25.000 I love talking to you.

02:36:25.000 I love talking to you, too.

02:36:26.000 Glad we do it more often.

02:36:27.000 Yeah.

02:36:28.000 Let's do it when you're back here again.

02:36:30.000 I'm here the next two weeks and then I'm not here for a while.

02:36:32.000 Well, I miss you.

02:36:34.000 You going back to New York?

02:36:34.000 Yeah.

02:36:35.000 Escaping with the money?

02:36:36.000 Leaving with our milk and honey.

02:36:37.000 That's right. 0.98

02:36:38.000 Going back to your dirty city on the other side of the world. 0.98

02:36:40.000 Bringing back the gold. 0.91

02:36:40.000 Oh, it's not cold there anymore. 0.91

02:36:42.000 You can return to your lair.

02:36:44.000 That's right.

02:36:45.000 Dragging my sack of coins.

02:36:47.000 You're hedging your bets against earthquakes, but I'm living here a few months out of the year.

02:36:50.000 I see what you're doing.

02:36:51.000 Are you scared?

02:36:52.000 Yeah.

02:36:52.000 Me too.

02:36:53.000 I just had my first one.

02:36:54.000 It was not fun.

02:36:55.000 I think my pool's broken.

02:36:56.000 I'm so sorry.

02:36:58.000 Oh my god, I'm fine.

02:36:58.000 I'm rich.

02:36:59.000 Don't worry about it.

02:37:00.000 But I think it's a crack in my pool.

02:37:02.000 I think my pool's broken.

02:37:04.000 I don't know what kind of gas my yacht tanks.

02:37:09.000 I noticed a crack in it the other day. 0.98

02:37:11.000 I think the earthquake got me these bitches. 1.00

02:37:13.000 These motherfuckers. 1.00

02:37:14.000 These motherfuckers in the earthquake. 1.00

02:37:16.000 The really crazy thing is those poor crazy assholes that live on those hills. 1.00

02:37:20.000 Like when you go through Laurel and you drive up the canyon and you see these people that are literally perched on these stilts. 1.00

02:37:27.000 What are you going to do?

02:37:28.000 It's crazy.

02:37:29.000 I watched one house fall apart when I first moved here.

02:37:34.000 It wasn't a really big earthquake.

02:37:36.000 It was a small...

02:37:37.000 You know what, actually?

02:37:38.000 I want to say it might not have even been an earthquake.

02:37:40.000 It was a landslide.

02:37:42.000 And it was a landslide on Laurel Canyon.

02:37:47.000 Like, as you're going up, if you're headed towards the Improv, if you're going up the valley...

02:37:52.000 I think?

02:38:05.000 That happened really recently in Malibu, too.

02:38:07.000 Like, over the last couple of years, there was a neighborhood where these people got woken up in the middle of the night, these bang, bang noises, and it was their house breaking apart and falling down the hill.

02:38:17.000 And they escaped.

02:38:17.000 They ran out of the house just in time, where half their house went tumbling into the canyon.

02:38:22.000 How do you sleep?

02:38:23.000 Like a baby.

02:38:24.000 You do?

02:38:25.000 You really do?

02:38:26.000 Like a bear, like a hibernated bear.

02:38:28.000 Like a bear that got shot with a tranquilizer dart.

02:38:30.000 God, because I feel like your mind, like I just...

02:38:33.000 I run out of gas though.

02:38:36.000 That's what happens to me after 10 minutes on stage.

02:38:39.000 I'm just like...

02:38:40.000 We're going to get out of here.

02:38:41.000 I'm going to work out at midnight.

02:38:43.000 And then I'll work out for like an hour or so.

02:38:46.000 And then I'll be exhausted by the time 2 o'clock in the morning rolls out.

02:38:48.000 And then I'm out, yo!

02:38:50.000 And then how long do you sleep?

02:38:51.000 When do you wait?

02:38:52.000 Eight hours.

02:38:52.000 I like to sleep eight hours.

02:38:53.000 Tomorrow I gotta get up a little bit early because I gotta do some ESPN type shit. 0.98

02:38:56.000 Oh, nice. 0.91

02:38:57.000 Gotta talk about some fights, upcoming fights on Fox this weekend.

02:39:00.000 I'm also, I'm a Fox analyst.

02:39:03.000 I don't know if you know, I'm a sports analyst.

02:39:04.000 I can't believe you're Beyonce. 0.99

02:39:11.000 I'm more impressed with you than Eddie Yuzard.

02:39:13.000 I'm not Beyonce.

02:39:13.000 Are you sure?

02:39:14.000 No, definitely not.

02:39:15.000 Her or Eddie Yuzard runs marathons.

02:39:17.000 I'm just talking.

02:39:18.000 It's a lot harder to run the marathons.

02:39:20.000 I wouldn't do it.

02:39:20.000 But you use your mind.

02:39:23.000 I get tired playing chess.

02:39:25.000 If somebody's like, oh, the stuff with the plane, my mind just shuts off.

02:39:30.000 It's just too much for me to process.

02:39:32.000 And I'm just like, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z. But you don't get tired when you're working on your show, right?

02:39:37.000 No.

02:39:37.000 I mean, you do, but you're so enthusiastic about it, right?

02:39:39.000 Yeah.

02:39:40.000 Same thing.

02:39:40.000 Yeah, okay.

02:39:42.000 It's totally the same thing.

02:39:43.000 It's completely exactly the same thing.

02:39:44.000 It's just like a different mindset.

02:39:45.000 Well, it's just, you're not passionate about chess. 0.99

02:39:48.000 So if you're playing chess, you're like, oh my god, I'm investing too much energy in this, fuck this. 0.95

02:39:51.000 But if you're working on your show trying to put a sketch together. 0.99

02:39:53.000 I'm like very meticulous and serious about it.

02:39:54.000 Yeah, it's the same thing with me.

02:39:56.000 I'm just lucky that there's more than one thing that I do.

02:39:58.000 Between the comedy and the podcasting and the UFC stuff, they're all just fun things to me. 0.98

02:40:03.000 So it's just a bunch of fun shit to do. 0.96

02:40:06.000 I talked to my friend Amy. 1.00

02:40:08.000 That's a fun shit too. 0.98

02:40:09.000 Thank you. 0.99

02:40:10.000 No, thank you.

02:40:11.000 No, thank you.

02:40:12.000 No, thank you.

02:40:12.000 Have fun in Orlando.

02:40:13.000 We're going to have a good time.

02:40:15.000 Me and Mad Flavor, a.k.a.

02:40:16.000 Joey Diaz.

02:40:17.000 Inside Amy Schumer is on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.?

02:40:21.000 10.30.

02:40:22.000 10.30.

02:40:22.000 What time LA time?

02:40:23.000 Is it East Coast, West Coast thing?

02:40:25.000 I think so.

02:40:26.000 They air it over twice?

02:40:27.000 Yeah.

02:40:27.000 They air it East Coast?

02:40:28.000 10.30.

02:40:29.000 I got the DirecTV, you know, so sometimes some of the things air on East Coast time.

02:40:35.000 What I'm trying to say is check your local listings, ladies and gentlemen.

02:40:39.000 Inside Amy Schumer.

02:40:40.000 Who else is on that lineup on Tuesday night on Comedy Central?

02:40:43.000 It follows Tosh.

02:40:44.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

02:40:45.000 Yeah.

02:40:46.000 Oh, what a great wave.

02:40:47.000 It's a sweet spot.

02:40:48.000 Oh, that is the spot.

02:40:49.000 That's like the spot after Friends used to be on Thursday night on NBC. What show was that?

02:40:54.000 A bunch of shitty ones. 1.00

02:40:55.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:40:56.000 It's like Caroline in the City. 1.00

02:40:57.000 It's terrible.

02:40:58.000 Oh, my God.

02:40:58.000 Caroline in the City.

02:40:59.000 Yeah.

02:41:00.000 Caroline in the Shitty, they used to call it. 1.00

02:41:01.000 Oh, that's what it's up.

02:41:02.000 She was nice, too.

02:41:03.000 I can picture that.

02:41:04.000 She wasn't a good show. 1.00

02:41:05.000 It was better than The Single Guy, though.

02:41:06.000 Remember that one?

02:41:07.000 Yeah.

02:41:08.000 Cool.

02:41:10.000 Hymony.

02:41:11.000 Jesus.

02:41:12.000 Remember Herman's Head?

02:41:14.000 I love that show.

02:41:15.000 I don't remember.

02:41:16.000 I blocked it out.

02:41:17.000 Really? 0.84

02:41:18.000 Yeah, like a finger-banging Catholic school. 0.81

02:41:20.000 You got finger-banged in Catholic school?

02:41:22.000 No, I didn't, but I blocked it out as if it was that.

02:41:25.000 I don't even know.

02:41:26.000 Probably was a good show. 1.00

02:41:26.000 I'm just talking shit. 1.00

02:41:27.000 I don't remember it at all. 0.99

02:41:28.000 Literally.

02:41:29.000 Tuesday night, 10.30.

02:41:31.000 Alright, we're done.

02:41:32.000 Thank you.

02:41:33.000 You're awesome.

02:41:34.000 amyschumer.com, is that your website?

02:41:35.000 Yeah.

02:41:36.000 Okay, beautiful.

02:41:37.000 Go there, everybody.

02:41:38.000 And follow her on Twitter. 1.00

02:41:40.000 S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Amy Schumer in the fucking house. 1.00

02:41:46.000 Beautiful. 1.00

02:41:47.000 Thanks.

02:41:47.000 That was fun.

02:41:48.000 Thank you.

02:41:48.000 And thanks to our sponsors.

02:41:49.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.

02:41:52.000 O-N-N-I-T. Go to Onnit.com, use the code word ROGAN, and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:41:58.000 Thanks also to Stamps.com.

02:42:00.000 Go to Stamps.com.

02:42:03.000 And use the code word JRE for your beautiful $110 bonus offer.

02:42:10.000 Delicious and nutritious, stamps.com.

02:42:13.000 Thanks also to Squarespace.

02:42:15.000 Go to squarespace.com and enter the code word JOE for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase of the most awesome website-building website known to man.com.

02:42:27.000 Okay, we'll be back tomorrow. 0.88

02:42:29.000 We've got a lot of shit going on this week, ladies and gentlemen. 0.94

02:42:32.000 Tomorrow is The Fighter and The Kid with Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen. 0.98

02:42:39.000 And then on Wednesday, David Seaman returns, and we're going to have a lot of fun.

02:42:43.000 So much love to everybody.

02:42:46.000 Big kiss.

02:42:46.000 Oh, Wednesday night, Ice House.

02:42:48.000 We're doing a 10 p.m.

02:42:49.000 show at the Ice House.

02:42:50.000 So far, it's Ari Shafir, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me.

02:42:54.000 I'm sure more people will be added.

02:42:56.000 10pm show, 15 bucks, can't go wrong.

02:42:58.000 In your life, if you live and you love comedy, you must go to the Ice House, even if I'm not there, anybody there, at one time.

02:43:04.000 It's the oldest comedy club in the country.

02:43:06.000 It's in Pasadena.

02:43:08.000 It's been there since 61. Alright, go fuck yourself. 1.00

02:43:10.000 We'll see you soon. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 14, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #485 - Amy Schumer

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript