The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes

00:00:03.000 This is episode 500 of...

00:00:07.000 The You Know My Name podcast.

00:00:09.000 500!

00:00:10.000 Can't say my name anymore.

00:00:12.000 500!

00:00:12.000 I've decided that it's very douchey if you say your own name.

00:00:15.000 Joe Rogan!

00:00:16.000 As much as you possibly could avoid.

00:00:18.000 I'll say your own name.

00:00:20.000 This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom.

00:00:22.000 Any legal troubles, Tom Rhodes?

00:00:24.000 Not lately.

00:00:25.000 Doug Stanhope, any legal troubles?

00:00:27.000 Not yet.

00:00:27.000 Well, if you do have legal troubles, like, say, if you want...

00:00:30.000 Well, here's the best use of it.

00:00:32.000 Not troubles, but issues, like incorporation.

00:00:34.000 You can incorporate with LegalZoom.

00:00:36.000 Did you know that?

00:00:37.000 Yes, I know that.

00:00:38.000 Did you know you could do it cheap?

00:00:39.000 You could form an LLC for just under $99 or just $99 and up? 0.97

00:00:44.000 Before I fuck a girl on the road, I have paperwork that's printed off from LegalZoom.com saying that she is consenting to be here. 1.00

00:00:53.000 You're going to need that someday. 0.99

00:00:54.000 We're going to need videotaped confessions.

00:00:56.000 It's very important.

00:00:57.000 So...

00:00:58.000 Congratulations on taking that first step.

00:01:00.000 Does LegalZoom have this option?

00:01:01.000 Maybe we can ask them.

00:01:03.000 You know what?

00:01:03.000 I think it's a project.

00:01:05.000 They're working on it.

00:01:06.000 Why are you putting Mocaine in there?

00:01:08.000 What are you doing?

00:01:09.000 Because it just said, what are you searching for?

00:01:11.000 What's Mocaine?

00:01:12.000 Mushrooms and cocaine.

00:01:14.000 Oh.

00:01:14.000 Do you think that LegalZoom knows about that?

00:01:16.000 They say no.

00:01:17.000 Don't put that in the commercial.

00:01:18.000 They're not actual legal representatives, but they do provide a fantastic service, so you can be your own legal representative.

00:01:24.000 Exactly!

00:01:25.000 Douglas Stanhope.

00:01:26.000 Such a good pitch, man.

00:01:28.000 On top of that, you're probably the best ever.

00:01:30.000 And on top of that, they can connect you to an attorney if you panic.

00:01:33.000 A third-party attorney. 0.98

00:01:34.000 So if the shit hits the fan, you're filling out the LegalZoom paperwork, and you're like, you know what? 0.99

00:01:38.000 I feel very jail-y. 1.00

00:01:40.000 I feel like I'm going to jail.

00:01:42.000 I'm feeling kind of jail-y.

00:01:43.000 You can call that emergency number from LegalZoom. 0.99

00:01:46.000 They'll look out the window, read a billboard, and send you to some Saul Gooden- Breaking Bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:01:53.000 No, they won't do that, Douglas. 0.98

00:01:54.000 And for the record, Saul Goodman did a hell of a job in that. 0.99

00:01:57.000 Goddamn attorney. 0.98

00:01:58.000 Anyway, this month LegalZoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream. 0.99

00:02:06.000 How do you do that, LegalZoom?

00:02:08.000 Paternity is my favorite. 0.83

00:02:09.000 What about you, Tom?

00:02:11.000 Paternity lawsuits? 0.84

00:02:12.000 You ever been accused in a paternity suit?

00:02:14.000 No, I haven't.

00:02:15.000 I was about 10 years ago.

00:02:18.000 It was frightening.

00:02:19.000 Oof, that's rough.

00:02:20.000 Do we have time for the story?

00:02:21.000 Yeah, we'll do it after the commercial.

00:02:22.000 I want to hear it.

00:02:24.000 Unless you're going to bum me out, man.

00:02:25.000 No, no, no.

00:02:26.000 Anyway, go to LegalZoom.com, please, so I can stop.

00:02:26.000 Okay.

00:02:30.000 And use the referral code ROGAN at checkout to save some money.

00:02:35.000 Celebrate innovation with LegalZoom through the end of June and get a special price on trademark, copyright, or provincial patent applications by using the referral code ROGAN at checkout.

00:02:46.000 Do it, Doug Stanhope.

00:02:48.000 You know you want to. 0.99

00:02:51.000 Hey, you know that collection of fucking Chewbacca's and other Star Wars memorabilia that's your only valuables? 0.99

00:02:57.000 Who's going to get that if you die? 0.99

00:02:59.000 Who's that guy?

00:03:01.000 Who are you hanging out with?

00:03:03.000 We're also brought to you by Jane.

00:03:04.000 Talking to the listeners.

00:03:05.000 Yeah, they...

00:03:07.000 I don't think there's a lot of dudes out there.

00:03:08.000 You don't want your stepmother getting those collectibles. 1.00

00:03:11.000 Go to LegalZoom.

00:03:12.000 Get a will.

00:03:13.000 What if they're signed?

00:03:14.000 Who is Chewbacca?

00:03:15.000 Everybody knows who Han Solo was.

00:03:18.000 Oh, I have him in the death pool.

00:03:20.000 Stand-up celebrity death pool.

00:03:21.000 Hey, I got a plug.

00:03:23.000 Chewbacca is actually a seven-foot dude that's aging now, and I was going to take him in my death pool, and then Joby, the guy who runs it, He said, I already got him.

00:03:33.000 We did some insider trading.

00:03:34.000 You can't all have the same guys.

00:03:36.000 They're like Great Danes.

00:03:37.000 Seven foot guys at 60 years old?

00:03:39.000 No, you're not around for long.

00:03:42.000 Yeah, somebody asked that to Wilt Chamberlain.

00:03:44.000 He went up to Wilt Chamberlain and was having a conversation with him.

00:03:47.000 It's like, you know, guys that are as tall as you, they don't really live forever. 1.00

00:03:51.000 And apparently Wilt Chamberlain was like, hey man, fuck you. 1.00

00:03:53.000 Was it Stuttering John? 1.00

00:03:54.000 I don't know who it was, but it was rude.

00:03:57.000 And true, apparently.

00:03:59.000 It's hard to pump all that blood up into that ticker, seven foot tall dude.

00:04:03.000 If I was seven foot tall, I'd be in bed right now.

00:04:05.000 My legs over my heart.

00:04:07.000 Does the reverse work?

00:04:08.000 If you're like a small person, do you live longer?

00:04:11.000 No, no, they die quick too.

00:04:13.000 I went a lot of Guinness Book in my last Death Pool pics.

00:04:18.000 Do you think midgets would make it to 100? 1.00

00:04:18.000 What do you go for? 1.00

00:04:21.000 What's a good size to live long?

00:04:24.000 It's like 5'4"?

00:04:26.000 The world average is 5'3", right?

00:04:28.000 The Chinese tend to live a long time. 1.00

00:04:30.000 I know Brian, my fucking filthy Scotsman manager, is chomping at the bit because he knows all these dumb facts. 0.99

00:04:37.000 But he said Mediterranean people tend to live the longest. 1.00

00:04:40.000 I think that's a diet thing though, right?

00:04:42.000 The Asians. 0.97

00:04:43.000 Fruit and fish.

00:04:44.000 They get around a lot of other nice people.

00:04:46.000 They have these villages.

00:04:47.000 They all know each other.

00:04:48.000 There's a lot of love that apparently actually extends lifespan.

00:04:51.000 Less stress.

00:04:52.000 Yeah, a lot less stress.

00:04:53.000 Very Bisbee-like, Doug Stanhope.

00:04:55.000 A lot of things that they don't account for when they just generalize people.

00:04:59.000 Exactly.

00:05:00.000 They say Asians don't get a lot of lung cancer, but they have no dairy in their diet.

00:05:04.000 So they take those two things.

00:05:05.000 They go, well, I won't drink milk and eat cheese, and I'll just keep chain-smoking, and I'll be Japanese forever. 0.94

00:05:13.000 I don't know what you're talking about, but we're also brought to you by Ting.

00:05:16.000 And if you go to rogan.ting.com, you can save yourself some money on some excellent cell phone service, Doug Stanhope.

00:05:22.000 Ting uses a sprint backbone, which means these sound so goofy when you're doing them in the middle.

00:05:27.000 When you have to look at your friends when you're doing them.

00:05:30.000 You know what?

00:05:31.000 Tom and I will just stare at you blankly and roll our eyes.

00:05:34.000 We'll thumb wrestle while he does the commercials. 1.00

00:05:36.000 I'm not embarrassed to do a goddamn commercial. 1.00

00:05:38.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:05:40.000 The only way you get paid is if you do a commercial.

00:05:43.000 They have that new Galaxy S5 on there, though, with the thumbprint scanner and all the heart rate monitor.

00:05:49.000 Yeah, you know, you can do that on an iPhone, too.

00:05:52.000 Actually, you do that on almost any phone that has a camera.

00:05:55.000 They have these applications.

00:05:55.000 Really?

00:05:56.000 It reads the flash.

00:05:58.000 Jamie showed it to me.

00:05:59.000 It reads the flash from the phone, apparently lights up your thumb, and through that, the camera can see the actual blood pumping in your finger.

00:06:08.000 And so that's how it reads your actual heartbeat from an application on a regular phone. 0.99

00:06:12.000 I just want to stay alive to see what shit is like in 20 years. 0.99

00:06:15.000 Technology is so incredible now. 0.99

00:06:17.000 What's it going to be like in 20 years?

00:06:18.000 Lighter?

00:06:19.000 My cigarettes.

00:06:20.000 I have a full pack of cigarettes somewhere.

00:06:23.000 How accurate is that?

00:06:24.000 Super accurate.

00:06:26.000 Super accurate.

00:06:26.000 Yeah, it's dead on.

00:06:28.000 I've tried it with that and a heart rate monitor at the same time.

00:06:30.000 It's dead on.

00:06:31.000 It's crazy.

00:06:32.000 You know what I've heard about Ting is they're fantastic.

00:06:34.000 Oh, you haven't heard that. 0.98

00:06:36.000 Don't bullshit people, Doug Stanhope. 0.98

00:06:38.000 What Ting does is they rent time on the Sprint Backbone, but they do it in a way where you can cancel anytime you want, you own your phone, it's not any bullshit where you have to... 0.96

00:06:38.000 Who is trending on Twitter? 0.96

00:06:47.000 Pay them back $300.

00:06:49.000 No contracts?

00:06:50.000 No contracts. 1.00

00:06:51.000 Fucking scam. 1.00

00:06:52.000 Biggest scam in the world. 1.00

00:06:53.000 Not only that, no early termination fees, which is another big scam.

00:06:56.000 Here's another scam.

00:06:57.000 The actual minutes.

00:06:58.000 When they charge you X minutes, you get 50 minutes per month and this amount of data.

00:07:03.000 The reality is, a lot of times, you pay for way more than you're using.

00:07:07.000 You're not using a lot of your minutes.

00:07:09.000 With Ting, you only pay for what you use.

00:07:11.000 It really is a great way to do it.

00:07:13.000 You don't have a... 0.99

00:07:16.000 You know, $250 a month bill or whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:07:18.000 It's like if you were out of the country, if you were only making a few calls in a week, if you say, you know what? 0.99

00:07:23.000 I'm not even fucking texting people anymore. 1.00

00:07:25.000 Your shit will drop down to nothing. 1.00

00:07:26.000 Ting is like a good bookie. 1.00

00:07:28.000 It's $20.

00:07:29.000 Just let it ride.

00:07:30.000 Go ahead.

00:07:31.000 Well, you need your phone, Doug Stanhope. 1.00

00:07:34.000 You can live out in the middle of nowhere, but you're going to have a fucking phone on you. 1.00

00:07:37.000 And even you switched over to a smartphone, you devilish bastard. 1.00

00:07:40.000 Yes, I did. 1.00

00:07:41.000 You hung into that flip phone.

00:07:42.000 I got turned on to Uber, but even my Uber doesn't work right, so it's not me. 1.00

00:07:46.000 Brian put Uber on my phone, and he goes, no, put it on your phone, because he's a cheap fuck. 0.99

00:07:52.000 That's a good Scottish accent, dude. 1.00

00:07:53.000 You're a wizard with that accent.

00:07:54.000 I'm a perfect Brian.

00:07:56.000 Brian Hennigan doesn't even have a proper Scottish accent.

00:07:59.000 What's it doing, Doug?

00:08:01.000 It tells me I'm somewhere else. 0.97

00:08:04.000 It told me I was in fucking North Hollywood when I was in West Hollywood. 0.95

00:08:09.000 I could show you, fix that for you. 0.98

00:08:10.000 Yeah, there's probably something wrong with you. 0.98

00:08:11.000 You probably are hiding some shit from the government, so it doesn't know exactly where you are. 0.99

00:08:15.000 That's what it is. 1.00

00:08:16.000 You hide some of those location services because you're worried they're going to fucking close in on you. 0.99

00:08:20.000 Living off the grid is as easy as not knowing how to use your fucking cell phone. 0.99

00:08:27.000 It really is. 1.00

00:08:28.000 Let's go bust this guy.

00:08:29.000 He's in North Hollywood.

00:08:30.000 No, I'm not.

00:08:30.000 I just don't know how to use Uber.

00:08:32.000 Yeah, go to rogan.ting.com.

00:08:34.000 Save $25.

00:08:35.000 I love Ting.

00:08:36.000 Rogan.ting.com.

00:08:38.000 We don't need any more commercials.

00:08:41.000 It's the cell phone they used in space.

00:08:43.000 No, they didn't.

00:08:45.000 That's Tang.

00:08:46.000 Oh, you funny...

00:08:48.000 We good?

00:08:52.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:08:59.000 Ting, not to be confused with Tang.

00:09:02.000 Tang, remember when we were kids?

00:09:03.000 What if they partnered up?

00:09:05.000 You could sip the delicious juice while you use it.

00:09:10.000 No, your cup doubles as a phone.

00:09:13.000 Your Tang cup.

00:09:14.000 They sell you pimp-style Tang cups with rhinestones around them.

00:09:18.000 Remember when we were kids, Tang was like the big thing?

00:09:20.000 Yeah, it came from the space program.

00:09:22.000 Like it made it good? 1.00

00:09:24.000 Tang was fucking terrible. 1.00

00:09:26.000 Dog shit, fake orange juice. 1.00

00:09:28.000 Maybe they'll sell MREs as a great dinner. 1.00

00:09:31.000 That was one of the first product placement things.

00:09:35.000 The Tang people, that wasn't good for people. 1.00

00:09:38.000 It was ridiculous. 0.54

00:09:39.000 And they sold that as the astronaut drink. 0.93

00:09:41.000 Proper nutrition. 1.00

00:09:43.000 Generations of Americans drank that shit. 1.00

00:09:45.000 It was homemade Gatorade. 1.00

00:09:46.000 Yeah, the watered down shitty Gatorade. 0.99

00:09:48.000 Without the electrolytes. 0.97

00:09:52.000 Yeah, Tang's... 0.99

00:09:53.000 I'm gonna be an astronaut.

00:09:55.000 Is Tang still around?

00:09:56.000 Is Tang still around?

00:09:57.000 I'm sure it is.

00:09:58.000 Let's find out if Tang's still around.

00:09:59.000 Yeah, it's still around.

00:10:00.000 You know, if people today...

00:10:01.000 Poor people somewhere are drinking it.

00:10:03.000 People today are so unimpressed.

00:10:05.000 If Tang was like, yeah, it's the astronaut program. 0.98

00:10:07.000 They're like, bitch, where's your astronauts now? 1.00

00:10:11.000 YouTube comments like, where's your astronauts? 1.00

00:10:13.000 Who's going to the moon?

00:10:14.000 Yeah, the last famous astronaut was a stalker racing from Florida to Houston to stab a lover or something.

00:10:20.000 Well, I've been doing a bit.

00:10:21.000 Wearing a diaper.

00:10:22.000 Wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop.

00:10:25.000 I wish Bingo could learn that trick. 1.00

00:10:27.000 She drove the entire time and she shit herself. 0.99

00:10:31.000 She was an astronaut. 1.00

00:10:32.000 She was crazy. 1.00

00:10:33.000 Oh yeah, bitch was crazy. 1.00

00:10:34.000 Tang the drink. 1.00

00:10:35.000 Seems like it's still around.

00:10:36.000 Hmm. 1.00

00:10:37.000 Most of that shit, if you look it up, you can buy it. 1.00

00:10:40.000 If you can't find it in a store, you can find it online. 1.00

00:10:43.000 Quisp cereal and...

00:10:46.000 Old candy.

00:10:47.000 We're talking about marathon bars.

00:10:49.000 There's an original Tang.

00:10:51.000 Tang is sold in both powdered and ready-to-drink form.

00:10:55.000 Oh, new Tang is where they jump the shark. 0.85

00:10:57.000 You can get original Tang now.

00:10:59.000 Yeah, you could actually buy a sugar-free version of Tang containing aspartame.

00:11:04.000 Wow.

00:11:05.000 Hmm.

00:11:06.000 Oh, let's put more cancer in your diabetes. 1.00

00:11:09.000 Hey, listen, Doug Stano, there's 10% of the RDA of vitamin A, calcium, vitamin E, and riboflavin.

00:11:18.000 10%?

00:11:19.000 10%.

00:11:20.000 So 10 glasses of tang and you're covered.

00:11:23.000 That's almost half what Cocoa Puffs has.

00:11:28.000 It's got 100% of your vitamin C. Oh, that's actually pretty good.

00:11:33.000 100% of your vitamin C is not that much, though.

00:11:35.000 The people that think you should take vitamin C think you should take a good amount of it. 1.00

00:11:40.000 Like, take that shit all the time. 1.00

00:11:41.000 But, Doug Stanhub, you just take cigarettes and you're fine. 1.00

00:11:46.000 This week I've been bad, but I quit a lot.

00:11:50.000 You quit a lot?

00:11:51.000 You held it back?

00:11:52.000 Have you ever tried the electronic route?

00:11:53.000 Yeah, we've talked about this.

00:11:55.000 Red Band said he was coughing up blood.

00:11:57.000 They're a lot better now, like the newer ones are.

00:12:00.000 No, they're terrible, because I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I tried like four different brands, and I was sucking on them constantly.

00:12:06.000 And I was off the cigs for a couple of weeks, but my lungs were killing me at one point. 0.98

00:12:11.000 Then it comes a point where you're like, well, fuck, give me a cigarette, because you're just getting like blasts and blasts of nicotine, like more nicotine than you would be getting from just having a cigarette. 0.99

00:12:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:19.000 I did great when I was at home alone. 0.99

00:12:21.000 I had like six weeks off and I mean it was full weeks I didn't smoke and then sometimes someone would show up at my house that smokes and I'd steal a cigarette so I'd smoke a couple and then six weeks of 95% quit smoking went on the road and I'm like alright now I'm just gonna bum them from the fucking opening acts? 0.98

00:12:41.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:12:41.000 Whoever I find outside smoking, I send Bingo out to go get me a couple cigarettes before the show, and this week it's just after the fucking first night of party we were talking about. 0.89

00:12:52.000 I'm buying packs. 1.00

00:12:53.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:12:54.000 Once you say fuck it, and that's the problem with being a comic, is you're inclined to say fuck it more often than not because it seems like the comic choice. 1.00

00:13:02.000 You know, and you're in that situation, and you're like, come on, what's the fuck? 1.00

00:13:05.000 This show must go on. 0.99

00:13:06.000 I think there's a point.

00:13:07.000 I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I wasn't working. 0.99

00:13:11.000 And it was once I went back, and I did shows in Atlanta, and I was bumming them off the staff, and then I was in Minneapolis the next weekend after that, and snuck a pack, and then just said, fuck it. 0.97

00:13:22.000 Because I was doing shows, and that's my rhythm, and having a cig, and getting ready. 0.71

00:13:26.000 You have a cigar on stage while you're doing shows?

00:13:28.000 No, I don't want to influence the kids.

00:13:30.000 But like before and after.

00:13:33.000 That was a thing where at the comedy store it was a big deal because guys would smoke on stage and the audience members couldn't smoke because there was a provision in the law as a part of the performance you're allowed to smoke.

00:13:45.000 But I think they dropped that.

00:13:47.000 I don't think they allowed you to do that anymore.

00:13:48.000 I remember because I did that the...

00:13:53.000 Immediately I was doing that when they passed it in California.

00:13:56.000 Once I found out about that law, and I was doing it in Minneapolis, and then a bar started doing that as a night where smokers could be on stage, so the place is just all smoky, but you had to be on the stage.

00:14:08.000 Everyone's part of the performance.

00:14:09.000 They pushed it so far into their face that they changed the law, and I think most places have changed the law. 0.98

00:14:14.000 Yeah, that sucks. 1.00

00:14:16.000 They fucked it up. 1.00

00:14:17.000 Remember when we started, the clubs, everyone smoked in the 80s. 0.94

00:14:21.000 Honestly, I didn't mind back then.

00:14:23.000 I loved it.

00:14:24.000 The smoke would dance in the spotlight.

00:14:26.000 You're on stage.

00:14:27.000 It was sexy.

00:14:28.000 It was like a film noir movie.

00:14:29.000 There is something about it, man.

00:14:31.000 And pool halls as well.

00:14:32.000 I don't like it.

00:14:32.000 I don't like cigarettes.

00:14:33.000 I think they're disgusting. 1.00

00:14:34.000 And it scares me when I see my friend smoke because I know you're going to die ugly. 0.99

00:14:39.000 I know you're going to die ugly and I love you.

00:14:41.000 I tell this guy all the time. 0.99

00:14:42.000 I love him, but he smokes.

00:14:44.000 And when I see him smoke, I get scared.

00:14:46.000 I get scared that you're locked up in a wrestling match with a dragon.

00:14:50.000 It's a dark demon that's going to slowly rot you out from the insides and it tricks you into doing it. 1.00

00:14:55.000 It sucks you into its web with habit and novelty and the idea that it's beautiful, the fucking smoke and suck it in. 1.00

00:15:03.000 I know. 1.00

00:15:04.000 That's one thing.

00:15:05.000 And then the other thing is it becomes a part of your body.

00:15:08.000 It becomes a part of you.

00:15:09.000 You need it.

00:15:10.000 It becomes your system.

00:15:11.000 Your body gets integrated into accepting this.

00:15:14.000 I feel like I got my equipment.

00:15:15.000 I don't know, something about having a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on me?

00:15:19.000 Well, listen, I'm not judging.

00:15:21.000 I have friends that smoke.

00:15:22.000 You feel like you're all set.

00:15:23.000 I'm just telling you my feelings.

00:15:24.000 You're all set.

00:15:24.000 You're secure.

00:15:25.000 I got what I need.

00:15:26.000 Retirement?

00:15:27.000 I get a carton. 1.00

00:15:27.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:15:29.000 And I'm a hypocrite because I like smoking weed. 1.00

00:15:31.000 And I don't think smoking weed is bad for you. 0.95

00:15:33.000 It's certainly not bad for you in the same way.

00:15:36.000 Now, once the cigarette companies get a hold of it.

00:15:39.000 Either way, I don't think it's the best thing for you.

00:15:41.000 Is it the best thing in the world for you to smoke a plant?

00:15:44.000 I thought you went straight to vaporizer and edibles.

00:15:48.000 I do those too.

00:15:49.000 I like edibles the most. 1.00

00:15:50.000 I just watched you smoke, so shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:15:54.000 No, no, I do that, too. 1.00

00:15:55.000 I mean, me.

00:15:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:57.000 But I'm hypocritical in that sense, because, like, smoking's not good.

00:16:00.000 It's not good to smoke something.

00:16:01.000 You know, anything we...

00:16:02.000 Like, Diaz, like, stopped smoking.

00:16:05.000 He only eats it and uses a vaporizer.

00:16:07.000 Because he said his lungs started feeling way better once he did that.

00:16:10.000 I believe it. 0.95

00:16:11.000 And the edibles, as someone who doesn't live in California, the edibles here are ridiculous. 0.71

00:16:16.000 You got every candy, Jolly Rancher candy, weed, York peppermint patties, anything you can think of, they've duplicated exactly like candy or popsicles.

00:16:27.000 Well, there's a little bit of an issue.

00:16:29.000 There is a little bit of an issue with it.

00:16:31.000 It's beautiful that it exists.

00:16:32.000 And I'm a complete libertarian in the idea that you should be able to...

00:16:35.000 You almost lit your filter.

00:16:36.000 The weed culture in California is so more evolved than Amsterdam.

00:16:42.000 They're so powerful that it's really like an intense psychedelic.

00:16:48.000 If you eat one of these pot brownies or these chibichus, they have these chibichus that are like seven, how many, what is the milligrams?

00:16:57.000 Take one-fourth if you don't want to die as fast.

00:16:59.000 Yeah, I mean, they're insane.

00:17:01.000 If you take the whole, it's one candy, and if you take that one candy, you will re-experience your entire life. 0.63

00:17:08.000 From the moment you were an egg and the cum washed over you and turned you into two eggs and your cells started dividing. 0.76

00:17:19.000 That's the ride I'm looking for. 0.99

00:17:21.000 Could you take one of these candies?

00:17:22.000 Could you take, say, one of these candies?

00:17:24.000 Say you already have a pre-existing condition, a mental illness, say, and say you're at a rock star's house trying to get a podcast and you're doing incredible amounts of blow and you go home with a little bit of that blow and then...

00:17:38.000 You do the rest of that blow while your boyfriend's sleeping, preparing for the Bill Burr podcast, and you also eat an edible while you have a pre-existing condition.

00:17:48.000 Could you spiral into such a catatonic state that the landlord from the Airbnb that you're staying in comes in to talk to you and you won't respond to him, so your boyfriend and your tour manager have to put you in bed where you piss the bed in your first Airbnb and then it takes you 24 hours to come out of said catatonic state?

00:18:08.000 If I had a guess, I could say that could happen. 0.75

00:18:10.000 Hypothetically?

00:18:12.000 Did Marilyn Manson give you a gift bag when you left?

00:18:14.000 That could happen.

00:18:15.000 Cocaine and edibles? 0.65

00:18:16.000 It wasn't me.

00:18:17.000 That could totally happen.

00:18:17.000 It wasn't me.

00:18:18.000 Skin moisturizer?

00:18:19.000 It wasn't me. 1.00

00:18:20.000 You gotta be careful with that shit. 0.99

00:18:23.000 I had to check her text messages, and it said, well, hey, we'll be there on time. 0.99

00:18:29.000 I just stand up sleeping, and I just ate a pot candy, and then I see an empty baggie, and I'm like, you did all that?

00:18:35.000 And now...

00:18:38.000 They can get you.

00:18:39.000 They can get you and take you on a ride.

00:18:41.000 You're not going to be capable of going out, just doing things, going to the airport, getting your clothes on.

00:18:47.000 You're not going to be capable.

00:18:48.000 No.

00:18:49.000 And that's just, you could buy it at any store.

00:18:51.000 Go buy one of these cupcakes.

00:18:53.000 Buy one of these rocket cookies. 1.00

00:18:56.000 Take this cookie and go right to the center of the fucking universe. 0.99

00:18:58.000 I mean, they're intense psychedelics. 0.99

00:19:00.000 We've talked about it before, but the chemical processes, when you eat it...

00:19:04.000 Wait, is this ground already worked over on the Joe Rogan experience?

00:19:08.000 Hot cookies?

00:19:09.000 Yeah.

00:19:10.000 We've talked about it a few times.

00:19:11.000 I know it sounds crazy.

00:19:12.000 It seems so novel.

00:19:14.000 I was at the clubs in LA. People at home are going, go back to Ting! 1.00

00:19:19.000 What about Ting again? 1.00

00:19:22.000 If you eat that shit, it'll hurt you. 1.00

00:19:24.000 It'll hurt you. 1.00

00:19:25.000 You gotta be real careful.

00:19:26.000 I've seen comedians all over LA with those little pen vaporizer things.

00:19:29.000 That's different.

00:19:30.000 That's not eating it. 0.98

00:19:31.000 When you're eating it, you're getting this 11-hydroxy metabolite.

00:19:36.000 I always assumed those were e-cigarettes that everyone has.

00:19:39.000 Those are little weed vaporizers. 1.00

00:19:42.000 And they hit like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:19:44.000 They do hit like a motherfucker, but there's both. 1.00

00:19:46.000 That's the product I want to endorse. 1.00

00:19:48.000 That should be their slogan. 1.00

00:19:50.000 Hits like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:19:52.000 I don't think that's a good move. 1.00

00:19:53.000 If I read Hits Like a Motherfucker, I'd be like, who is the guy that's making this? 0.99

00:19:57.000 That's all he could come up with. 0.97

00:19:58.000 But in podcasting, you could probably get copy like that.

00:20:03.000 Where you have to read that. 1.00

00:20:05.000 This kicked me in the balls like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:20:08.000 You should buy this. 1.00

00:20:09.000 This will take you on a ride to the center of the universe, my man.

00:20:14.000 And my man would be highlighted.

00:20:16.000 You know, feel free to use your own colloquialism.

00:20:20.000 It's funny.

00:20:21.000 When you were about to start, Red Band said, okay, we're live. 0.99

00:20:26.000 And you go, oh shit, we're live. 0.99

00:20:27.000 Oh, don't say anything. 1.00

00:20:28.000 You were making a joke.

00:20:29.000 Right.

00:20:29.000 Oh, don't say anything.

00:20:30.000 We're live.

00:20:32.000 It's opposite.

00:20:33.000 Yesterday, I fell in love with a man. 1.00

00:20:36.000 Fucking Bert Kreischer. 0.99

00:20:38.000 He's a great man. 0.99

00:20:39.000 I clicked with him so quickly.

00:20:43.000 Is it the first time you met him?

00:20:44.000 No, I've met him before, but we never really hung out.

00:20:47.000 Oh, he's the best.

00:20:48.000 He's a sweetie.

00:20:48.000 And I knew that...

00:20:50.000 He's a sweetie.

00:20:50.000 Yeah.

00:20:51.000 Fucking wicked man crush right away. 1.00

00:20:53.000 His house is just like my house down to the... 1.00

00:20:56.000 I walked in.

00:20:56.000 I knew exactly where his booze stash was.

00:20:59.000 I'm like, I'm just...

00:21:00.000 I'm going to make a drink.

00:21:01.000 He's... 1.00

00:21:02.000 Anyway, fucking fell in love with the guy. 0.99

00:21:04.000 He's a sweetie. 1.00

00:21:04.000 We had to pause and go to break where we'd talk about shit. 1.00

00:21:09.000 And then we'd come back on the air. 0.95

00:21:12.000 And there's certain stuff you can't talk about?

00:21:14.000 Like trash talking other comics.

00:21:15.000 Come back on the air.

00:21:17.000 Well, he's on the Travel Channel, too.

00:21:19.000 And the Travel Channel is owned by some religious folks.

00:21:22.000 Oh yeah, not like that, but...

00:21:24.000 But that is a problem.

00:21:26.000 He's got to be real careful about what he does.

00:21:27.000 I'm trying to make a drink.

00:21:29.000 I mean, he doesn't smoke weed.

00:21:32.000 But if he did, he wouldn't do it on Ustream.

00:21:35.000 Who owns the Travel Channel?

00:21:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:21:37.000 Somebody that loves the baby Jesus.

00:21:40.000 Allegedly. 1.00

00:21:41.000 I might be just talking shit. 0.99

00:21:42.000 This is what I've read from Anthony Bourdain. 0.99

00:21:42.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:21:44.000 Okay.

00:21:46.000 Certain conversations I might have had with him.

00:21:49.000 Oh, did you have Bourdain on the show?

00:21:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:51.000 Wow.

00:21:51.000 I love that guy.

00:21:53.000 You know, his wife is a jiu-jitsu fanatic.

00:21:56.000 That's my in.

00:21:57.000 That's how I got to meet Bourdain.

00:21:59.000 He followed me or retweeted me or something, and I was so starstruck.

00:22:04.000 He's the best.

00:22:05.000 He's following me.

00:22:05.000 He's a sweetie.

00:22:06.000 If you met the guy, you would love him.

00:22:08.000 He's a sweetie.

00:22:08.000 His show, since he's gone to CNN, I guess they had, you know, visa access.

00:22:14.000 His show's just gone to a whole different level now.

00:22:16.000 He's like in Myanmar. 1.00

00:22:18.000 Brian, by the way, I got plans, and one of the plans is flying to New York to do podcasts with people that we can't get to fly out here.

00:22:26.000 Yeah.

00:22:27.000 I can't keep asking people to just come out here.

00:22:29.000 So guys like Bourdain, I'm going to find out when he's going to be there.

00:22:32.000 Well, if they're driving, have him come through Bisbee.

00:22:34.000 I'm going to try to use the Sirius studios.

00:22:36.000 He should do a highlight on Bisbee.

00:22:38.000 Because we were on Sirius.

00:22:39.000 We were on Sirius.

00:22:40.000 I don't know if you know that.

00:22:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:41.000 I listen to it all the time.

00:22:42.000 It's the weirdest.

00:22:43.000 So I wanted to get Bourdain and a few other guys that live there.

00:22:47.000 CK. Yeah, yeah.

00:22:48.000 Well, Louis is just so fucking busy. 0.94

00:22:50.000 I feel bad asking him. 0.93

00:22:51.000 Yeah, but he's on Opie and Anthony all the time.

00:22:52.000 Yeah, but that's like, you know, when he can in the morning, I'll ask him. 0.72

00:22:56.000 But I know he's crazy, but he's the most ridiculously busy person I've ever met.

00:23:02.000 There's a great bit that I saw that someone made a clip of. 0.74

00:23:06.000 Him talking about...

00:23:07.000 It's really funny.

00:23:09.000 It starts him talking about nut allergies, and he compares things that you know to be true, but there's always this, too.

00:23:16.000 But maybe...

00:23:17.000 It's like, but I know, but maybe. 0.90

00:23:19.000 It's fucking really funny, man. 0.95

00:23:21.000 It's really funny. 0.99

00:23:22.000 I didn't see...

00:23:23.000 One of C.K.'s bits, his new bits, off of his new special.

00:23:27.000 Goddamn, it was good.

00:23:28.000 It was really funny. 0.97

00:23:30.000 New special, not...

00:23:31.000 Yeah, the new one was in Phoenix in the theater in the round.

00:23:34.000 It's really, really good stuff, man. 0.99

00:23:37.000 You listen to it, you read it, you watch it, and you're like, fuck, I want to go write something. 0.99

00:23:42.000 This made me want to go write. 0.99

00:23:44.000 It was really good.

00:23:46.000 That's the best thing about it.

00:23:48.000 I used to always think that about when Chappelle would come to the store.

00:23:51.000 I always wanted to run home and write.

00:23:53.000 Anything that gives you that little juice, you want to create too.

00:23:57.000 Because you know how good it made you feel.

00:24:00.000 The last time I saw Chappelle at the store, it was like the height of his popularity.

00:24:05.000 Before he had quit the Comedy Central show, he would just show up maybe the day before they would schedule this, and he would just be mobbed, and he was in the main room.

00:24:16.000 And he... 0.97

00:24:18.000 It was so funny and so, like, I hadn't seen him in like six months and it was all new shit. 0.96

00:24:24.000 It was like 100% new. 0.97

00:24:25.000 It was like a new hour. 0.99

00:24:27.000 And you left there just going, God damn, I need to go to work. 0.98

00:24:31.000 I want to go right. 1.00

00:24:32.000 He had that gift, I'll say in a very fucking stupid way. 1.00

00:24:37.000 But he's one of those guys, he talks funny anyway, so he already has a leg up. 1.00

00:24:42.000 You said it best that Diaz could read the phone book.

00:24:46.000 Right.

00:24:46.000 So he has that already, but he can write too.

00:24:50.000 So if it's new shit, what would be filler to him would be a closer to me. 0.97

00:24:57.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:24:58.000 Diaz has, I mean, I don't want to give up any of his material, but he's got this bit about this chick named Lucy Snorbush. 0.99

00:25:05.000 He's told the story on the podcast, but now he's turned into a bit in his act, a true story about him sneaking into her house, climbing into her window and eating her pussy in the middle of the night and then escaping. 0.98

00:25:16.000 I don't think I've ever laughed as hard in my life. 0.98

00:25:19.000 We just did Santa Barbara together, and I was watching him on stage, and he's doing this Lucy Snorbusch thing, and I'm having a hard time catching my breath.

00:25:27.000 Legitimately having a hard time catching my breath.

00:25:29.000 I saw Diaz in San Francisco, and he was doing that bit where he punches a hooker, and the audience is dying.

00:25:38.000 In San Francisco, they're usually really touchy about, like, who can get a laugh?

00:25:44.000 The dude with the wig and a black eye.

00:25:46.000 There's no support groups for these people.

00:25:47.000 He's one of the best ever.

00:25:50.000 I can hear him saying, Lisa Snorbusch.

00:25:53.000 Lucy Snorbusch.

00:25:55.000 Lucy Snorbusch.

00:25:58.000 It was painfully funny.

00:26:00.000 Painfully funny.

00:26:01.000 He's my all-time favorite out of all the people I've ever seen that have made me laugh the hardest.

00:26:07.000 Not a single person has ever made me laugh harder than Diaz.

00:26:10.000 Me and Kreischer were picking our ultimate four-man tour with a wildcard fuck-up. 0.99

00:26:22.000 He picked Diaz as his fuck-up. 0.99

00:26:24.000 I have to see him. 0.98

00:26:26.000 Diaz is so good that I started taking two guys on the road with me during the dark days when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night.

00:26:34.000 But he was so good that I said, okay, I need a backup opener.

00:26:37.000 So I would bring two openers because there was too many times when Diaz just vanished.

00:26:42.000 He just would disappear.

00:26:43.000 You just couldn't call him. 0.97

00:26:45.000 I got booked like that for Otto and George, where they wanted to book Otto and George, but they needed to co-headline him so if he didn't show up, there was another X-rated act that could fit the fucking marquee. 0.72

00:26:56.000 You gotta do that, man, unfortunately, with some guys, but they're worth it.

00:27:01.000 And now he's super reliable.

00:27:03.000 Now every gig, he's there.

00:27:05.000 I'm too old to disappear!

00:27:07.000 Well, he's just into comedy now. 0.99

00:27:09.000 I think for the first time in his life, he's being recognized for what he does, and he's enjoying creating new shit. 0.98

00:27:17.000 He's enjoying being a comic. 0.95

00:27:19.000 When I talk to him about it, he's got a lot of other success. 0.99

00:27:21.000 He's always getting called into movies and shit. 0.96

00:27:24.000 He did that grudge match. 0.99

00:27:26.000 I sat through the grudge match just because I knew he was in it.

00:27:29.000 He's having a lot of those that are happening to him, but the big thing is his stand-up, man.

00:27:33.000 His stand-up.

00:27:34.000 He's selling out everywhere.

00:27:35.000 He deserves it. 1.00

00:27:36.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:27:37.000 What a difference when the audience already loves you when you get there, instead of having to win them over. 1.00

00:27:41.000 It's a complete different animal.

00:27:42.000 Dude, he went on stage in Santa Barbara when we worked together, and I've taken some of his openings where I introduce him and then I film it, like watching him go on stage. 0.63

00:27:50.000 I put him on YouTube because they're so ridiculous.

00:27:53.000 He goes on stage and people standing up, like bowing to him, screaming. 0.81

00:27:57.000 Like 2,000 people screaming and bowing to Joey Diaz.

00:28:01.000 That's so good.

00:28:02.000 And for a guy like that to finally get that, you know?

00:28:05.000 Dude, I... And it's always great to see a guy that age.

00:28:09.000 Yeah.

00:28:09.000 Yeah, he deserves it, though, man.

00:28:10.000 Coming in on his own. 0.95

00:28:11.000 He's an animal, dude. 0.97

00:28:13.000 He's an animal. 0.97

00:28:14.000 He's an animal.

00:28:15.000 If I could hire a 24-hour nurse to keep him alive, I would.

00:28:18.000 I just don't think he would... 1.00

00:28:19.000 Get the fuck out of that! 1.00

00:28:20.000 Listen, I'm Cuban. 1.00

00:28:21.000 I'm never gonna die. 1.00

00:28:22.000 Get out of here, bitch! 1.00

00:28:23.000 Kick him out of his house. 1.00

00:28:24.000 You gotta, like, find out...

00:28:25.000 A guy like that, you gotta take care of in a gentle fashion.

00:28:29.000 You've got to figure out how to keep him alive.

00:28:30.000 Trick him.

00:28:31.000 Trick him.

00:28:32.000 Put that pill in a piece of cheese. 1.00

00:28:34.000 Find some fucking new drugs and put it in his ice cream. 1.00

00:28:38.000 Take it and put it in something, some new thing, regenerative tissue thing that the government invents. 1.00

00:28:45.000 Just throw it in his food.

00:28:47.000 Hey, uh, Brian told me the other night, you're getting your blood re-injected? 1.00

00:28:50.000 Was that bullshit? 1.00

00:28:51.000 What? 1.00

00:28:51.000 No, no, no, no, no. 1.00

00:28:52.000 You fucker. 1.00

00:28:53.000 No, it was true. 1.00

00:28:53.000 Well, it's not your blood re-injected. 1.00

00:28:55.000 It's called Regina King. 1.00

00:28:57.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:28:57.000 It was invented by this German guy. 1.00

00:28:59.000 It's your blood, they spit in a centrifuge and they heat it up.

00:29:03.000 So you take your blood out and then you whip it in this machine.

00:29:05.000 We're doing ad copy again?

00:29:07.000 No.

00:29:08.000 ReginaGene.com.

00:29:10.000 There's a guy named Dr. Peter Weller, I believe his name is.

00:29:13.000 He developed this process for dealing with inflammation.

00:29:17.000 That's the other guy.

00:29:17.000 Wasn't he Robocop?

00:29:18.000 You know, you might be right.

00:29:20.000 I might have the wrong guy.

00:29:21.000 Hold on a second.

00:29:22.000 I'll do the ad while you look it up.

00:29:24.000 It's not an ad!

00:29:25.000 ReginaGene.com.

00:29:26.000 Are you tired of looking at those Cenogenics guys? 0.99

00:29:29.000 Half naked in a SkyMall catalog?

00:29:32.000 Oh, Douglas.

00:29:33.000 This will make your face young, too.

00:29:34.000 Oh, Douglas.

00:29:36.000 Anybody that's in pain, it can be a tremendous help.

00:29:39.000 It's the most potent anti-inflammatory drug that human beings have ever figured out.

00:29:43.000 Well, I did it a few times.

00:29:43.000 So you're doing this?

00:29:44.000 It's amazing.

00:29:45.000 It was all these professional athletes.

00:29:46.000 That is so Keith Richards of you.

00:29:48.000 I have an anti-inflammatory drug. 0.99

00:29:50.000 It's called alcoholism, and it works on my penis. 0.99

00:29:53.000 I don't think it works. 0.99

00:29:54.000 It hasn't been inflamed in years.

00:29:54.000 It works.

00:29:57.000 Peter Welling, you're right.

00:29:59.000 It's Welling.

00:30:00.000 What did you say?

00:30:01.000 I said Weller.

00:30:03.000 No, what did you say to me?

00:30:04.000 You're right?

00:30:05.000 Sweetie, I love you.

00:30:06.000 You're right always.

00:30:07.000 I'm blushing.

00:30:08.000 I refer to you more than I refer to myself.

00:30:09.000 How about that? 0.99

00:30:10.000 But he was a guy in Germany who figured this shit out. 1.00

00:30:13.000 They take your blood and they heat it. 1.00

00:30:15.000 And your blood has a reaction while it's still viable.

00:30:18.000 It has a reaction to the heat as if it's got a fever.

00:30:21.000 And it creates this intense anti-inflammatory response.

00:30:23.000 So it's in the very blood itself.

00:30:25.000 They take it out of your body.

00:30:26.000 They heat it.

00:30:27.000 They spin it. 1.00

00:30:27.000 And then it creates this yellow shit. 1.00

00:30:29.000 And this yellow shit, they pull it out. 1.00

00:30:31.000 And they call it something Regenikine Serum. 0.99

00:30:34.000 I don't know the technical.

00:30:35.000 And then they squirt it into anywhere you have arthritis, anywhere you have any kind of swelling, inflammation.

00:30:41.000 And it has like a magical response.

00:30:43.000 That's why all these athletes got Peyton Manning back in a football. 1.00

00:30:48.000 He had two neck surgeries, and he was fucked. 0.98

00:30:51.000 He went to Germany, and he got this procedure done on his neck, and it just fixed it. 0.99

00:30:55.000 It's crazy.

00:30:55.000 I was talking to Sean Rouse.

00:30:57.000 I don't know if you know him.

00:30:59.000 Serious arthritis.

00:30:59.000 Yeah, and he wants to talk to you about it.

00:31:01.000 I'd love to talk to him about it.

00:31:02.000 If you look at his hands, he needs to break all his hands, go to his operations.

00:31:07.000 No, he's got some serious arthritis.

00:31:09.000 Yeah, Sean, Jesus Christ, he's got the most crippling arthritis. 0.95

00:31:12.000 Which, I should say, because of Sean Rouse, I saw a young comedian get knocked the fuck out the other night at the comedy store. 0.97

00:31:20.000 Somebody got knocked out by an audience member? 0.92

00:31:22.000 I was sitting there with Sean...

00:31:26.000 Jason Rouse, Canadian guy who lived in London, and J.J. Whitehead, Canadian guys at the other end, and then Sean, and he was plastered, man.

00:31:35.000 Who was Rouse?

00:31:36.000 Sean Rouse.

00:31:37.000 No way.

00:31:38.000 Yeah, he's sitting there.

00:31:39.000 This story just lost all credibility.

00:31:41.000 I'm talking to, there's a guy from Boston, Mike Favorman or whatever.

00:31:44.000 Sure.

00:31:46.000 This tall, young, open mic comedian, we found out he was an open miker later, comes up.

00:31:50.000 I thought he knew Jason and JJ because of the way he's making fun of them.

00:31:54.000 One guy, Jason's got a lot of tats. 1.00

00:31:55.000 He's making stupid tattoo jokes. 1.00

00:31:58.000 Right. 1.00

00:31:59.000 And I'm kind of talking to Mike from Boston.

00:32:01.000 Is Chaley there?

00:32:03.000 No, no, [...

00:32:05.000 He had left earlier. 1.00

00:32:08.000 We heard that Rouse was really fucked up. 1.00

00:32:10.000 Rouse was. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Yeah, he was plastered. 1.00

00:32:12.000 So anyway, this fucking... 0.99

00:32:13.000 Tom Rhodes, bronze medalist in story editing. 0.98

00:32:16.000 This comedian, the guy, turns to Sean very grandly to the table and he goes, I'm sorry to bother you, gentlemen.

00:32:22.000 I just couldn't pass up the chance to meet Moby. 0.98

00:32:25.000 And he, like, sticks his hand out to Sean, who's all fucked up and can barely lift his head. 1.00

00:32:29.000 This kid was a fucking douche. 1.00

00:32:31.000 And Mike from Boston's got, like, the kind of taxi driver newsstand guy hat on. 1.00

00:32:35.000 And then the kid grandly turns...

00:32:39.000 There's a table of veteran comedians sitting here.

00:32:41.000 Grandly turns to Mike and he goes, I'll be seeing you in the morning when I come to pick up my newspaper.

00:32:48.000 Faberman? 0.97

00:32:48.000 You said it to Faberman? 0.97

00:32:49.000 He said it to Faberman.

00:32:50.000 Oh, Faberman doesn't play.

00:32:52.000 I turned and this kid was being such, and I was joking around when I said it. 0.99

00:32:58.000 I turn to Mike and I go, I'll give you $20 if you punch this kid in the face. 0.94

00:33:02.000 And his comedic timing was brilliant! 0.99

00:33:04.000 He didn't miss, just BOOM! And this kid went back and it was, all hell broke loose!

00:33:11.000 You know what his name was?

00:33:12.000 I don't know what the kid's name, but oh my god! 0.91

00:33:14.000 Faberman is a legit savage. 1.00

00:33:17.000 He's the wrong guy to fuck with. 1.00

00:33:18.000 Well, I mean, who this guy? 1.00

00:33:20.000 And then all this, you know, and he's on the sidewalk.

00:33:22.000 Was this in the showroom?

00:33:23.000 No, no, out on the patio bar.

00:33:24.000 It's like the Wild West there, man. 1.00

00:33:26.000 Faverman has a story about fucking this maid. 1.00

00:33:29.000 It's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard in my life. 0.99

00:33:31.000 Hey, while you sit over there, pull up a picture of Faverman.

00:33:34.000 Listen, you don't have to yell at him.

00:33:35.000 I just don't know if I... You don't know Mike Faberman?

00:33:39.000 No.

00:33:39.000 Really?

00:33:40.000 He's a good dude.

00:33:40.000 I don't know.

00:33:41.000 I just met him recently.

00:33:42.000 He had this story about he was beaten off in his hotel room and the maid opened up the door and the maid freaked out.

00:33:42.000 He's a great dude.

00:33:49.000 He goes, no, no, no, no, come on, shut the door, shut the door, shut the door. 1.00

00:33:51.000 He's like the only guy ever to get caught beating off and fucking a maid. 0.99

00:33:56.000 Like, ever. 0.99

00:33:57.000 Like, he really did it.

00:33:58.000 He said, I go, what did she look like? 0.58

00:33:59.000 Did he pay her?

00:34:00.000 No, no.

00:34:01.000 I go, what did she look like?

00:34:03.000 She goes, it was no prize.

00:34:05.000 It was no prize.

00:34:05.000 Jesus, he looks like Inman.

00:34:08.000 Mike's a good dude.

00:34:09.000 He's a good dude.

00:34:10.000 He's a very good cook.

00:34:11.000 Oh, wait, he plays Punchy and Ray Donovan.

00:34:15.000 No, he doesn't.

00:34:17.000 That picture.

00:34:18.000 I know the picture.

00:34:19.000 It's the hat, man.

00:34:20.000 It was like a movie scene, this kid.

00:34:23.000 And he was just, you know. 1.00

00:34:24.000 Faberman will punch you in your fucking face. 1.00

00:34:26.000 He's crazy. 1.00

00:34:28.000 He's always been crazy. 0.99

00:34:29.000 He's a good dude, though.

00:34:30.000 He's a good dude.

00:34:31.000 Oh, the wife beater right there. 1.00

00:34:32.000 There he is with the homeboy from the radio.

00:34:34.000 What's his name?

00:34:35.000 Oh, which one?

00:34:38.000 Oh yeah, uh, uh, Fraser Smith.

00:34:40.000 Fraser Smith.

00:34:41.000 And Don Barris.

00:34:42.000 He's a Boston guy?

00:34:43.000 Fraser Smith used to have a radio show here in LA. No, no, Faverman.

00:34:47.000 Yeah, he's from Boston originally.

00:34:49.000 Yeah, Faverman.

00:34:51.000 I was just going to say he looked like the funniest guy at the barbecue, and you switched to a picture of barbecue.

00:34:56.000 I hung out with Faberman, Joey Diaz, and Ralphie Mae the day 9-11 happened.

00:35:02.000 The day they shut down all the flights, the day the shit hit the fan, we all got high, we went to Baja Fresh, we ate some burritos, and we stared at the sky. 0.79

00:35:12.000 It's like, dude, there's no planes. 0.99

00:35:13.000 There's no fucking planes. 0.98

00:35:14.000 And then we went over to Ralphie's place, and Ralphie and Faberman I lived in the same area. 0.99

00:35:20.000 Was he a gardener then?

00:35:22.000 No, Ralphie.

00:35:23.000 By my old place.

00:35:25.000 Gardener by coaching horses?

00:35:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:28.000 Actually, you know what?

00:35:30.000 I'm sorry.

00:35:30.000 We went to Faberman's place and Ralphie came over to buy wheat.

00:35:33.000 Because Faberman used to sell wheat.

00:35:35.000 That was your September 11th.

00:35:36.000 Because you used to live in that same sort of building.

00:35:39.000 He's the fattest guy in the world because this is Armageddon and we're going to need to eat someone.

00:35:43.000 Faberman had some good weed. 0.75

00:35:45.000 No, he had some good weed.

00:35:46.000 And we were like, well, the world is ending. 1.00

00:35:47.000 Let's go get fucked up. 0.99

00:35:48.000 So we went and got high. 0.99

00:35:49.000 It was me and Diaz and Faberman and Ralphie Mae.

00:35:53.000 And it was 2001. It was the day when we were just sitting around Smoking weed talking about how crazy is like this might be a we might be in the middle of a war We were thinking at that moment in time that this is just the beginning the planes flew into buildings But what if shit starts happening left and right? 0.92

00:36:09.000 Like what if we start seeing missiles headed to LA? What if we see LA hit with a nuke like fuck? 0.99

00:36:14.000 That's just as likely as two planes flying into buildings in the same day So we were freaking out and we're all getting high together. 0.99

00:36:21.000 So let's have a special I was in Amsterdam at the zoo Three o'clock at the zoo in Amsterdam is feeding time.

00:36:29.000 That's 3 p.m.

00:36:29.000 is 9 a.m.

00:36:30.000 in New York City.

00:36:31.000 And I had been there before for it, and I knew I wanted to be in front of the lion cages at three o'clock when they're throwing the meat out.

00:36:38.000 And, like, it's cool. 0.95

00:36:39.000 The lions start, they can smell the meat in the back, and they start pacing and growling, and there's these metal doors, and they're scratching on it and shit. 0.90

00:36:48.000 It's pretty cool. 0.82

00:36:49.000 And then they open the metal doors, and they grab the meat.

00:36:52.000 So when the planes hit, I was watching lions rip.

00:36:55.000 Raw meat apart.

00:36:56.000 Oh, see, I would have assumed all the animals would have run for the hills knowing 9-11 was about to happen.

00:37:07.000 How come they don't do that?

00:37:09.000 The Netherlands is so open-minded.

00:37:10.000 Why don't they feed those animals animals? 1.00

00:37:12.000 Why do they have to feed them? 0.99

00:37:13.000 They want to eat animals.

00:37:15.000 More important, why is Baja Fresh open on 9-11?

00:37:19.000 Baja Fresh supports our troops.

00:37:21.000 Our troops need to fuel up some healthy carbs.

00:37:26.000 That's what it is.

00:37:27.000 Our troops need to fuel up.

00:37:28.000 We need beans.

00:37:30.000 I need beans and...

00:37:31.000 Jalapenos?

00:37:34.000 Bah, fresh supports the troops.

00:37:37.000 Mike Faberman was the guy that actually put together that boxing match with all the comics.

00:37:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:43.000 I never heard...

00:37:44.000 How did I not hear about that?

00:37:46.000 One of the guys had cerebral palsy, and I was like, that's not good.

00:37:51.000 If it's Josh Blue against Crazy Legs Fonseca...

00:37:56.000 Either one of those guys should not be hitting each other and then maybe falling on each other and headbutting each other on the way down. 0.99

00:38:01.000 For fuck's sake, he's in a chair. 0.99

00:38:02.000 How far can he fall? 1.00

00:38:03.000 They're both going to get fucked up. 0.99

00:38:05.000 How did I not hear about a comedy boxing match and when did this happen? 0.99

00:38:09.000 Oh, it's filmed too.

00:38:10.000 He filmed it.

00:38:10.000 He's trying to make it a show.

00:38:12.000 It's really good.

00:38:13.000 Comedy boxing match.

00:38:14.000 I know too much about brain damage.

00:38:16.000 But how did this happen?

00:38:17.000 When did this happen?

00:38:18.000 It was a Fabian's idea? 0.61

00:38:19.000 Yeah, Faberman and Rusty Dooley.

00:38:22.000 Who fought who?

00:38:22.000 Rusty Dooley.

00:38:23.000 Yeah.

00:38:23.000 Rusty Dooley, best six-pack in all of comedy.

00:38:27.000 Kid's shredded.

00:38:27.000 No doubt.

00:38:28.000 I have two three-packs.

00:38:29.000 I got a vernal hernia.

00:38:31.000 Ventral hernia.

00:38:32.000 Do you really?

00:38:33.000 Yeah, my six-pack split. 1.00

00:38:35.000 You should get that shit fixed. 0.99

00:38:36.000 Yeah, I... Bravo had one of those. 1.00

00:38:39.000 Eddie, he had one of those.

00:38:39.000 Oh, really?

00:38:40.000 Yeah, he did two of them.

00:38:41.000 One on each side.

00:38:41.000 He had it fixed.

00:38:42.000 Never had a problem again.

00:38:43.000 Well, I guess ventral just means front.

00:38:45.000 I found out through my doctor Google.

00:38:47.000 It's pretty intense.

00:38:48.000 They put like a webbing.

00:38:50.000 Yeah, mesh in your skin, and they sew it in, and they sew the area that's wounded.

00:38:55.000 It becomes more strong.

00:38:57.000 I got that in my umbilical hernia.

00:38:58.000 Then I coughed myself into a groinal hernia that I haven't had fixed.

00:39:02.000 And now I have a ventral hernia.

00:39:04.000 I showed it to Kreischer on his podcast.

00:39:06.000 He took pictures.

00:39:07.000 So that'll be up next week.

00:39:09.000 Jesus Christ.

00:39:09.000 It's like an alien bursting out of your chest.

00:39:11.000 What is it?

00:39:12.000 What's it from?

00:39:13.000 It's your six-pack splits and your guts start to...

00:39:18.000 Only in a position.

00:39:19.000 I was trying to stretch my back like I was doing sit-ups.

00:39:21.000 You're going to hurt me when you're trying to stretch your back?

00:39:23.000 No, no, that's how I noticed it.

00:39:25.000 It doesn't hurt or anything.

00:39:26.000 Oh, you don't feel anything? 0.98

00:39:27.000 No, no, I was trying to lean off the back of a bed, like most of my body, and I leaned down, and then my fucking, this hump comes out of my chest like alien, and Bingo looked down at it, and it audibly screamed, and I'm like, oh shit, that can't be good. 0.99

00:39:43.000 Dude, dude, dude, seriously, imagine if you were really possessed. 0.98

00:39:47.000 What would you do?

00:39:49.000 I wouldn't do a sit-up off the bed and I'd be fine. 1.00

00:39:52.000 If you sat back and you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:39:55.000 And it's like little jack-o'-lanterns underneath your skin, moving around your stomach. 1.00

00:39:59.000 What would you do, Doug Stanhope?

00:40:01.000 Would you go to Jesus?

00:40:02.000 I'd do exactly what I'm doing with this hernia and the other hernia, is ignore it. 1.00

00:40:07.000 No, you can't ignore a fucking jack-o'-lantern demon living in your gut. 0.99

00:40:12.000 If you saw it poking through your skin and moving around and laughing at you, you'd have to address it. 1.00

00:40:17.000 No, I would drink and then...

00:40:18.000 Ask Tom.

00:40:19.000 When you drink, it's easy to ignore obvious problems.

00:40:22.000 That's been my life medical plan.

00:40:24.000 My family.

00:40:25.000 You don't go to the doctor unless you get a bullet wound.

00:40:27.000 Right.

00:40:28.000 And I just got insurance.

00:40:30.000 His family invented the phrase, it's just a flesh wound.

00:40:34.000 Yeah.

00:40:35.000 I just got health insurance under the deadline.

00:40:39.000 And I actually stopped drinking January 1st.

00:40:44.000 I blacked out in Philadelphia.

00:40:45.000 Oh, good story.

00:40:46.000 And I busted my head open.

00:40:47.000 I got six stitches.

00:40:49.000 See the nice scar?

00:40:50.000 Whoa.

00:40:55.000 Did they figure out what caused it?

00:40:57.000 I got drunk and fell down.

00:40:59.000 Hang on, I've heard the story, so I'm going to use this opportunity to piss.

00:41:04.000 So you blacked out just because you were drunk and then you fell down?

00:41:09.000 Has it ever happened before?

00:41:10.000 I mean, for a second.

00:41:13.000 Over the years, it's happened a couple times.

00:41:15.000 I mean, getting drunk and falling down is one thing, but did you black out?

00:41:19.000 I kind of blacked out.

00:41:21.000 I was not working.

00:41:22.000 I did Helium in Philadelphia for New Year's Eve.

00:41:25.000 Great room.

00:41:26.000 Had three sold-out shows. 1.00

00:41:28.000 Fantastic fucking night. 1.00

00:41:30.000 It wasn't New Year's Eve night. 0.99

00:41:32.000 I had, because New Year's Eve was on a Wednesday, they had me do the stay for the Friday-Saturday.

00:41:36.000 I'm off January 1st, And I went out by myself.

00:41:41.000 I actually stayed in and worked all day.

00:41:43.000 And then I went out about 8, 9 o'clock and I watched the Fiesta Bowl.

00:41:48.000 And I had 10 Sierra Nevadas.

00:41:50.000 My brother was at the game.

00:41:52.000 And I texted my brother.

00:41:54.000 I was texting my brother, great game, love you bro.

00:41:56.000 And just fell forward off a stool and hit the tile ground.

00:42:00.000 And this guy grabs my arm and he's lifting me up and he goes, we gotta call an ambulance! 1.00

00:42:05.000 And I go, fuck that. 1.00

00:42:06.000 I don't have health insurance. 1.00

00:42:07.000 I woke up once and I hit the ground, by the way.

00:42:10.000 But this guy goes, we've got to call an ambulance. 1.00

00:42:12.000 I go, fuck that. 1.00

00:42:12.000 I don't have health insurance. 1.00

00:42:13.000 Don't you dare call an ambulance.

00:42:15.000 I go, how far is the hospital?

00:42:16.000 He said, two blocks.

00:42:18.000 I go, two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance?

00:42:20.000 That's like 15 grand.

00:42:21.000 Oh my God.

00:42:22.000 So I walked to the hospital, but I didn't have health insurance.

00:42:27.000 Had the Obama deadline been January 1st, I'd have been covered.

00:42:31.000 Does anybody understand this?

00:42:33.000 Do you know anything about it?

00:42:34.000 No.

00:42:35.000 At some points, I met an insurance person, and I have catastrophic insurance, so if I get really fucked up in a car wreck, they'll cover that. 0.64

00:42:48.000 Again, I don't go to doctors.

00:42:50.000 It's just not something I do.

00:42:51.000 I don't either.

00:42:52.000 It's probably a good move.

00:42:53.000 So I don't have any idea how health insurance works.

00:42:57.000 Yeah, no, if I need to get out of a social situation really badly, I'll go to a doctor because I know they're going to go, oh, you have to be admitted right away.

00:43:06.000 And I'll go, sorry, honey, I can't go to bed and breakfast with your parents like I promised when I was drunk. 0.98

00:43:11.000 That's a fucking great strategy. 0.98

00:43:13.000 As long as you can keep the wheels on it, it's a great strategy. 0.99

00:43:16.000 Because there's a lot of cars that keep rolling down the hill and they make a lot of squeaky noises, but they still get there somehow.

00:43:21.000 How many surgeries have you had?

00:43:22.000 Many.

00:43:23.000 How many?

00:43:24.000 And you're in perfect Europe. 0.82

00:43:25.000 What kind of insurance do you have?

00:43:28.000 That you can get your blood transferred.

00:43:29.000 The point is, he's in perfect physical condition, doesn't smoke cigarettes.

00:43:34.000 I've had one surgery that I got for free on a trade-out by asking for it on my website.

00:43:40.000 Hey, listen, I'm not denying that you make a lot of good points.

00:43:44.000 I would never tell anybody to take the path that I've taken.

00:43:49.000 Like, physically?

00:43:50.000 It's not a good move.

00:43:51.000 Yes, you would.

00:43:51.000 No, I wouldn't unless you really wanted to.

00:43:54.000 But if you tear your knee doing something, don't keep doing it.

00:43:57.000 You get six months of rehab.

00:43:59.000 I just couldn't wait for the six months to get over.

00:44:01.000 I'm always sad when I see a friend that's into MMA because I know he's going to die an ugly death. 0.98

00:44:06.000 You know, all bullshit aside, I am sad when I see a guy who doesn't... 0.98

00:44:17.000 Good, because at the end of this podcast, Tom and I are going to jujitsu each other in a death match. 0.99

00:44:27.000 It's going to be the biggest girl-kicking match in the world. 0.98

00:44:30.000 Slap fight. 0.95

00:44:32.000 Getting hit is a completely different story, though.

00:44:35.000 You know, I've had two knee surgeries.

00:44:38.000 I've had a nose surgery.

00:44:40.000 Those are like the two big ones.

00:44:41.000 Nose surgery?

00:44:42.000 Yeah, I've actually had three knee surgeries now that I think about it.

00:44:44.000 Because I had two on one knee.

00:44:46.000 I had an ACL reconstructed.

00:44:47.000 Then I had my meniscus scoped.

00:44:49.000 And the other one I had the ACL reconstructed.

00:44:51.000 Then I had my nose opened up.

00:44:53.000 Because I had a lot of scar tissue in there.

00:44:54.000 When you forget surgeries, I remember my cousin did a pilot.

00:44:59.000 My cousin did a pilot in 1984 with Christopher Lloyd.

00:45:04.000 He's the guy from Back to the Future?

00:45:06.000 Yeah, Massachusetts.

00:45:08.000 Your snapshot was in the paper in the back row of a thing.

00:45:12.000 Everyone talks about it.

00:45:13.000 So it was a big deal.

00:45:14.000 And I moved to LA. I saw Christopher Lloyd at the bar at the Improv.

00:45:18.000 And I went up and I go, hey, I don't know if you remember, I don't want to approach you, but Grant Forsberg is my cousin and you did a television pilot with him in the 80s.

00:45:27.000 And he goes, I don't know, I do a lot of TV shows. 0.98

00:45:30.000 How do you get that fucking... 1.00

00:45:32.000 Yeah, well, fuck that you forget a TV show, but when you forget surgeries... 1.00

00:45:38.000 Well, you think about how many TV shows that guy's had. 0.99

00:45:40.000 I've only had four surgeries.

00:45:41.000 Four pretty major ones.

00:45:42.000 But you forgot one.

00:45:44.000 Actually, now that I think about it, it's three knee surgeries.

00:45:47.000 Well, you start treating your body like a car.

00:45:50.000 You know, you blow out a tire.

00:45:51.000 You go, alright, gotta get another tire.

00:45:53.000 Can they fix it?

00:45:54.000 As long as they can fix it. 1.00

00:45:55.000 But shit that gets weird is like spinal shit. 1.00

00:45:58.000 And that's why I've been getting this Regenikine shit. 1.00

00:46:00.000 The Regenikine stuff is because of a bulging disc. 0.98

00:46:04.000 Wait, you haven't stopped Mixed Martial Arts.

00:46:06.000 Well, not jiu-jitsu.

00:46:07.000 I haven't stopped jiu-jitsu.

00:46:08.000 You've gotten into Regina Kane from some Nazi doctor. 0.73

00:46:13.000 Mengele Jr. has got you on the yellow stuff.

00:46:16.000 I had to take a break for like a year from jiu-jitsu because of this injury.

00:46:20.000 So I'm trying to get back in shape to do it again.

00:46:22.000 It's just too much fun.

00:46:24.000 That's why I sympathize with you guys smoking cigarettes.

00:46:27.000 I understand what you're doing.

00:46:28.000 What I do, the risks I take are a different kind of physical.

00:46:32.000 You're going to see Sean Rouse shaking in an alley, scratching his arm. 0.99

00:46:36.000 I need some more of the yellow shit, man. 1.00

00:46:39.000 Heat my blood. 1.00

00:46:39.000 I need more of the yellow shit. 1.00

00:46:41.000 It's not cheap. 1.00

00:46:43.000 That's the other problem.

00:46:44.000 Is Rouse making money?

00:46:45.000 Do you think Obamacare will take care of it? 1.00

00:46:46.000 Oh, suck your dick, man. 1.00

00:46:47.000 Sean, you're not that young anymore. 1.00

00:46:49.000 I saw.

00:46:52.000 Yeah, I don't think it is.

00:46:53.000 I don't think it's covered by any insurance.

00:46:55.000 It's what's called off-label.

00:46:56.000 I saw.

00:46:58.000 You can only buy it in Bitcoin.

00:47:00.000 It's that kind of thing.

00:47:02.000 Dogecoin.

00:47:03.000 You can use Dogecoin too.

00:47:05.000 They're now accepting.

00:47:06.000 Dogecoin.

00:47:07.000 I made from that thing with that dude.

00:47:10.000 It was over $2,000.

00:47:11.000 That's amazing.

00:47:12.000 $2,100 going to him.

00:47:14.000 Yeah.

00:47:14.000 We had people donate Bitcoin, and I would treat the Bitcoin like it was real money, and then I would take whatever anybody donated in Bitcoin and send it to my friend who's living in the Congo.

00:47:25.000 And he's helping pygmies in the Congo, building the wells and shit. 1.00

00:47:28.000 So he's going to send, you know, it's going to be real. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Actually, fuck it, I'll double it. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Whatever it is, I'll double it. 1.00

00:47:34.000 That's awesome.

00:47:34.000 Whatever they have, alright.

00:47:35.000 Whatever other people put in, I'll put in the exact same amount.

00:47:38.000 So I think it's like $2,100.

00:47:39.000 It's pretty cool.

00:47:40.000 That's great.

00:47:40.000 Because the guy's living in the Congo, you know, he used to be a mixed martial arts fighter, and he just went down there for like a vacation just to see what it was like, and he fell in love with these people, like this idea that these people in the Congo, these pygmies, are these like really suppressed people that are forced to work in mines,

00:47:57.000 and they don't have any, no one's taking care of them, there's no medicine, there's no water, they don't have clean water, so he's building them wells and shit, and it's really amazing. 0.98

00:48:05.000 It's amazing shit. 0.99

00:48:06.000 Joe, do you want to put a disclaimer, though? 1.00

00:48:08.000 Like, a maximum amount?

00:48:10.000 Because you don't want to be like, I don't want to go bankrupt. 1.00

00:48:11.000 If it's more than, like, 50 grand, you can go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:48:14.000 If it gets crazy. 1.00

00:48:17.000 I like the Pygmies, but come on. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Yeah, because, I mean, it's Bitcoin.

00:48:20.000 Some guy's just like, oh, yeah, here's $2 billion.

00:48:22.000 I don't know what it's really...

00:48:23.000 That's what's weird about it.

00:48:24.000 It's like, it varies.

00:48:25.000 Like, one day it'll be worth $2,900.

00:48:28.000 Or $1,900.

00:48:29.000 The other day it'll be worth $2,100.

00:48:31.000 It totally varies from day to day.

00:48:33.000 Ew.

00:48:34.000 It's strange.

00:48:35.000 It's like, it makes a lot of sense.

00:48:38.000 If you don't know what it is, do you know what it is at all?

00:48:41.000 You ever follow it?

00:48:41.000 The Bitcoin thing.

00:48:42.000 Yeah.

00:48:42.000 It's really hard to follow.

00:48:44.000 No, I can't.

00:48:45.000 I can't do basic math.

00:48:47.000 Well, it's not even that.

00:48:48.000 We had this guy, Andreas Antonopoulos, explain it to us in very clear terms.

00:48:53.000 We still were like...

00:48:58.000 He explained it.

00:49:00.000 But essentially, it's got a very set number of bitcoins that exist.

00:49:06.000 And so inflation is sort of removed from the equation.

00:49:09.000 Like the gold standard.

00:49:10.000 It's sort of similar.

00:49:11.000 Which I don't understand.

00:49:13.000 I don't understand either.

00:49:14.000 But it's all done on computers.

00:49:15.000 It's all like ones and zeros.

00:49:17.000 You know, I don't know if it's a good idea, I don't know if it's a bad idea, but it seems to be at least a person could...

00:49:25.000 It's like, we all agree.

00:49:27.000 Like, you live in a small town, so I think in a small town you get a better sense of community.

00:49:31.000 And we kind of all agree that, you know, like, if you go to a place and they're selling sandwiches, like, how much are the sandwiches?

00:49:37.000 Five bucks?

00:49:38.000 That sounds right.

00:49:40.000 That sounds right.

00:49:40.000 Makes sense.

00:49:42.000 But if we didn't have money...

00:49:43.000 And we had to use some sort of a barter system, we'd still figure out what's worth what.

00:49:48.000 You know, that's what we would do.

00:49:49.000 How many sandwiches are available?

00:49:51.000 Yeah, but we're trapped in this idea that money is the only way to do it.

00:49:56.000 Dollars, quarters, fives, twenty, this is the only way to do it.

00:50:00.000 But it's not the only way to do it. 0.92

00:50:01.000 If enough fucking people agree to go this Bitcoin route, it's already established. 0.91

00:50:07.000 Like, this is a real possibility. 0.99

00:50:08.000 And everybody's poo-pooing it like it's a joke.

00:50:11.000 And it is kind of a joke in some ways.

00:50:14.000 Enough people are getting the joke.

00:50:16.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:50:17.000 Magic the Gathering was the big server that went down.

00:50:21.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:50:21.000 You had a Magic the Gathering exchange and it became one of the biggest Bitcoin sites in the world?

00:50:27.000 What the fuck? 0.91

00:50:28.000 Like, Magic didn't have the right security, the whole thing is set up wrong, winds up losing 350 million plus dollars in bitcoins, like the direct equivalent of... 0.99

00:50:40.000 Like, the guy gets robbed, and everybody who has their money in this exchange just gets fucking robbed. 0.56

00:50:44.000 But it's still going. 0.97

00:50:46.000 It's still going.

00:50:47.000 See how he can just shut us down? 0.99

00:50:50.000 We want to throw in some fucking smart-ass bars, but he just gets all smart on us, and we have to sit there. 0.99

00:50:55.000 I'm not going to get smart. 0.99

00:50:56.000 I want you to get goofy. 0.92

00:50:57.000 But this is a fascinating thing in our time.

00:51:00.000 We're seeing an alternative to dollars.

00:51:02.000 The first viable alternative.

00:51:04.000 Everyone goes to, what, internet currency, and then someone could easily rob your banks or everything, right?

00:51:10.000 That's what they're doing with regular money, though.

00:51:11.000 Or you could just lose your iPhone.

00:51:12.000 Yeah.

00:51:13.000 I have an alternative to money.

00:51:15.000 Hey, I'll put you on the guest list.

00:51:17.000 You write the number down.

00:51:18.000 All you have to do is write the number down.

00:51:19.000 It's not that hard.

00:51:21.000 Oh, great.

00:51:21.000 Another currency.

00:51:22.000 I'm broken.

00:51:23.000 But it's not that.

00:51:25.000 There you go.

00:51:26.000 Hey, good smart-ass Barb, sir.

00:51:28.000 You guys are teaming up on my strategy to introduce new ideas.

00:51:33.000 You and your ability to retain knowledge.

00:51:37.000 Rub it in our face.

00:51:38.000 It's not.

00:51:38.000 I retain knowledge.

00:51:40.000 I retain information.

00:51:41.000 So the knowledge of it, the reason why I keep talking about it over and over again is that knowledge is not sinking in.

00:51:46.000 So I don't really get it. 0.99

00:51:48.000 So I talk about it over and over again and see your reaction to it and you're like, whoa, that's fucking crazy. 0.85

00:51:53.000 And then, slowly but surely, it becomes knowledge. 0.68

00:51:56.000 If people talk to me in analogies Then I can get it.

00:52:01.000 And I try to do that when I'm trying to do a bit that other people might...

00:52:05.000 I'll go, it's like this. 0.99

00:52:07.000 Okay, if you can make it stupid for me like a kid. 0.99

00:52:10.000 Okay, honey, imagine if you had two apples. 1.00

00:52:14.000 Jimmy stole one of your apples.

00:52:15.000 Oh, I get it now.

00:52:16.000 I do that all the time. 0.98

00:52:17.000 I think that's a great way of communicating fucked up ideas. 0.95

00:52:20.000 But even then, I feel like I'm unqualified. 0.64

00:52:21.000 But it's important to do both.

00:52:23.000 It's important to say it.

00:52:25.000 Use the big words and then go, I mean, it's like this, like this. 0.99

00:52:28.000 So, okay, now you understand the big word I just learned with the stupidity I needed to learn it. 0.99

00:52:35.000 Especially if you're on stage and you're telling a joke. 0.99

00:52:39.000 Because if you do that, you can actually make someone laugh at something they ordinarily would argue with you about.

00:52:44.000 Right.

00:52:45.000 You could just sneak it in.

00:52:46.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 Yeah.

00:52:49.000 Okay.

00:52:49.000 We're both on the same page.

00:52:50.000 I love you.

00:52:51.000 Don't we have some ad copy to read?

00:52:52.000 I'm just here to do the advertisement.

00:52:54.000 We're done.

00:52:55.000 The ad copy's over.

00:52:56.000 Forever.

00:52:57.000 Come on.

00:52:57.000 One more ad?

00:52:58.000 Do you see that footage of Jerome going?

00:53:01.000 How dare you make me uncomfortable.

00:53:02.000 In Japan?

00:53:03.000 A drone?

00:53:04.000 Yeah, the drone went into the radiation in Japan, and it's just flying around the deserted cities, and it's so creepy.

00:53:11.000 Is it glowing?

00:53:12.000 No, but it hasn't been touched since it happened.

00:53:16.000 Great, great. 0.98

00:53:16.000 What are you trying to scare the fuck out of me? 0.98

00:53:19.000 The only thing that scares the fuck out of me more than radiation is sharks. 0.98

00:53:23.000 Oh, look at that.

00:53:25.000 They're like, the radiation is going to kill you in the ocean.

00:53:27.000 Well, the sharks will kill you first. 0.99

00:53:29.000 How about that? 0.98

00:53:30.000 Do you not swim? 1.00

00:53:31.000 Fuck that, dude. 1.00

00:53:32.000 I go in the water up to my waist in Hawaii and I panic every time. 1.00

00:53:36.000 Because last time I was there, a woman got killed by a shark.

00:53:40.000 That's real.

00:53:41.000 Yeah, I know.

00:53:41.000 That's like, if I was there and a woman got murdered by the werewolf, would you go in the woods?

00:53:46.000 You'd be like, I'm not going in the fucking woods. 0.99

00:53:48.000 But they're like, hey, you know. 0.99

00:53:49.000 Costa Rica, I'll go in the water.

00:53:50.000 But no, we're going to Hawaii tomorrow, the next day.

00:53:53.000 I won't go in the water. 1.00

00:53:55.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:53:55.000 Those fucking tiger sharks, man. 1.00

00:53:56.000 They're too scary. 1.00

00:53:57.000 Tiger sharks and bull sharks.

00:53:59.000 Those are the scariest ones. 0.99

00:54:00.000 Do you know that fucking, the whole movie Jaws was based on something that happened in fresh water? 0.99

00:54:05.000 Oh, the New Jersey thing? 0.99

00:54:07.000 Yeah.

00:54:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:54:08.000 There's fresh water.

00:54:10.000 It was a river.

00:54:10.000 Oh, wait.

00:54:11.000 No, that's not the New Jersey thing.

00:54:12.000 There was a rash of New Jersey shark attacks in the early 1900s.

00:54:16.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:54:17.000 It was in a river.

00:54:18.000 That's not fresh water.

00:54:18.000 Yeah, it was.

00:54:19.000 All right. 0.99

00:54:20.000 That's what's fucked. 0.99

00:54:22.000 There's a thing called a bull shark that swims in a fresh water. 0.99

00:54:25.000 They swim so far in fresh water that they saw them in Illinois. 0.98

00:54:29.000 They have them up the Mississippi River in fucking Illinois, a shark that came directly from the ocean. 0.99

00:54:36.000 That's more reason we need stronger immigration policy. 0.99

00:54:40.000 That's why you can't take my guns from me, Doug Stainhope.

00:54:45.000 Build a wall!

00:54:46.000 Build a fence!

00:54:47.000 That's what I say.

00:54:48.000 I literally saw a song the other day that was talking about prying a gun from my cold dead hands.

00:54:53.000 That was the song.

00:54:55.000 It's like, you can come get my gun from my cold dead hands. 1.00

00:54:58.000 Like, this guy thought about that, wrote it down, said, fuck, and I'm putting this shit on wax. 1.00

00:55:04.000 But you heard it. 1.00

00:55:06.000 Oh, I heard the whole song.

00:55:07.000 I listened to the whole song.

00:55:09.000 So someone's putting it out.

00:55:10.000 Someone's on his side.

00:55:12.000 There's some...

00:55:12.000 What's the guy's name?

00:55:14.000 The stapler guy from Office Space that played...

00:55:18.000 Steven Root. 0.99

00:55:18.000 If you can't get the fucking reference right away, drop the joke, Stanhope. 0.99

00:55:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:55:26.000 Steven Root.

00:55:27.000 Man of Constant Starro.

00:55:29.000 There's a long way to get to this pointless reference.

00:55:33.000 He played the record guy with the man of constant sorrow and George Clooney.

00:55:39.000 See?

00:55:41.000 He put it on wax, too.

00:55:43.000 It wasn't Lee Greenwood, was it?

00:55:45.000 Yes!

00:55:46.000 Let's just say yes!

00:55:48.000 See, Tom gets what I'm saying.

00:55:51.000 Almost.

00:55:51.000 That guy, Lee Greenwood, nothing was happening in his career.

00:55:54.000 He had that one song, I'm proud to be an American. 0.98

00:55:56.000 Fucking nothing's going on in his career. 0.98

00:55:58.000 And then September 11th happened. 0.99

00:56:00.000 Boom! 0.99

00:56:01.000 His career's on fire!

00:56:03.000 I always tell Henry Phillips to write a Christmas song. 0.99

00:56:06.000 They're so desperate to have another Christmas song that they will play any fucking thing about Christmas. 0.99

00:56:11.000 They're so desperate to have a Christmas song, they went with the Hanukkah song. 0.99

00:56:14.000 Remember that?

00:56:15.000 Yeah.

00:56:15.000 They went with the Adam Sandler Hanukkah song.

00:56:18.000 Every year, grandma still got run over by a reindeer fucking 30 years later. 0.99

00:56:22.000 They can't wait to have one more. 1.00

00:56:24.000 Henry Phillips, get off your ass and get a fucking Christmas song. 1.00

00:56:27.000 How about they don't even come up with new Christmas cartoons? 1.00

00:56:29.000 The same fucking cartoons. 1.00

00:56:31.000 The Grinch stole Christmas. 1.00

00:56:33.000 It would be CGI now and the Grinch would be like crushing villages.

00:56:37.000 He'd be evil looking.

00:56:38.000 He'd be very demonic.

00:56:40.000 It wouldn't be so sweet and cuddly.

00:56:41.000 Well, you saw what they did with Batman.

00:56:43.000 They could probably do that with the Grinch.

00:56:45.000 Did you watch the latest Batman?

00:56:47.000 I've never watched the Batman where the tragedy occurred.

00:56:50.000 Where those people get shot in Colorado.

00:56:51.000 For whatever reason, I can't just watch it.

00:56:53.000 That's the best Batman ever with Christian Bale and what's his name who died.

00:56:57.000 I've heard it's awesome.

00:56:58.000 That's the greatest Batman.

00:56:59.000 I'm done with Batman.

00:57:00.000 That was the greatest Batman ever.

00:57:02.000 The Dark Knight?

00:57:03.000 That's it.

00:57:03.000 I didn't see it.

00:57:04.000 Best Batman ever.

00:57:05.000 Because of what happened in Colorado?

00:57:07.000 No, no, no.

00:57:07.000 It's too bad that happened.

00:57:09.000 No, no, no.

00:57:10.000 I'm saying the reason I don't watch it is because of that.

00:57:13.000 Columbine?

00:57:14.000 No, the people in Colorado.

00:57:16.000 One of the comics from the Comedy Works guy.

00:57:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:18.000 Serious business.

00:57:19.000 Oh, the theater.

00:57:20.000 The shooting guy.

00:57:21.000 That guy.

00:57:22.000 For whatever reason, that movie's connected in my head to that event. 0.99

00:57:26.000 Yeah, that's fucked up. 0.99

00:57:27.000 I can't just watch that movie. 0.99

00:57:29.000 If I watch that movie, I'll kind of get weirded out.

00:57:32.000 How does that one shooting weird you out? 0.98

00:57:35.000 I saw it in the theater after that happened, like a few weeks later, and then you're in the theater thing and you're looking at the fucking exit doors. 0.98

00:57:43.000 I'm not saying it's logical. 0.95

00:57:44.000 Oh, I don't go to actual movies.

00:57:46.000 I saw it at home.

00:57:47.000 But I had to see it with Bingo.

00:57:50.000 I could see why the man was traumatized.

00:57:53.000 I'm not traumatized. 0.97

00:57:54.000 I just chose not to see it because I thought about seeing it a few times and I just kept getting that thing in my head that a bunch of people fucking died while this movie was being made. 0.95

00:58:03.000 That's all it is. 0.94

00:58:03.000 I mean, it doesn't make any sense. 0.94

00:58:05.000 I know it doesn't make any sense.

00:58:06.000 I'm not like arguing the logical...

00:58:09.000 You know, that it makes sense that I have this weird thing.

00:58:12.000 I love that while you're saying this, you're slamming ice into your glass.

00:58:16.000 I know this doesn't make sense, but I just need a drink.

00:58:19.000 I need a little something to take the edge off.

00:58:21.000 There's no edge, Doug Stano.

00:58:22.000 How dare you?

00:58:24.000 I know it doesn't make any sense.

00:58:25.000 I'm not defending it.

00:58:25.000 Why would they ever make another superhero movie?

00:58:27.000 They made another Superman.

00:58:29.000 I loved Captain America.

00:58:31.000 They're fun. 1.00

00:58:31.000 They're stupid as fuck. 1.00

00:58:32.000 You know he's going to be alive at the end. 1.00

00:58:34.000 I read the Captain America comic book when I was a kid.

00:58:37.000 One of the few that I looked at.

00:58:39.000 And it was the lamest.

00:58:40.000 Dude, the superhero.

00:58:41.000 He couldn't fly.

00:58:42.000 He had to fly on the thing.

00:58:44.000 And then he had the shield. 0.99

00:58:45.000 He was like the biggest pussy superhero ever. 0.99

00:58:48.000 And then in the late 70s, there was a black character called the Falcon. 0.99

00:58:52.000 Alright, I'm out. 0.99

00:58:55.000 Captain America would be getting his ass whooped and his black friend the Falcon would come and save him. 0.99

00:59:01.000 Yeah, well that's how it usually happens in real life. 1.00

00:59:04.000 You know, you get your ass kicked, you call your friend. 0.99

00:59:07.000 But it was cute how they introduced... 1.00

00:59:08.000 If he's black and wears a fucking mask, you're good. 1.00

00:59:11.000 But a black character couldn't get his own comic book. 1.00

00:59:15.000 He had to be introduced.

00:59:16.000 He had like three pages in Captain America.

00:59:18.000 Marvel was a little bit more bold.

00:59:20.000 Marvel had Blade.

00:59:21.000 Blade was a superhero. 0.89

00:59:23.000 He was a black guy. 0.80

00:59:24.000 Nightcrawler.

00:59:24.000 I'm sure that came out much later.

00:59:26.000 He wasn't really black. 0.93

00:59:26.000 Well, I guess he was more like demonic. 0.93

00:59:29.000 I had Roger from What's Happening.

00:59:35.000 He's geeky, but he was the smart one of his group.

00:59:39.000 I was the Roger of my social circle.

00:59:42.000 Captain America was still fun. 1.00

00:59:44.000 I know it was stupid. 1.00

00:59:45.000 I know the premise is stupid, but it's still a fun movie. 1.00

00:59:47.000 Just nonsense. 0.99

00:59:48.000 You're watching nonsense for a couple hours laughing, you know, having a good time, watching spaceships getting shot up by missiles and whatever. 1.00

00:59:55.000 It's stupid, but it's fun. 0.99

00:59:57.000 Nobody got shot. 1.00

00:59:58.000 You can enjoy that one.

00:59:59.000 Plenty of people got shot.

01:00:00.000 A lot of people died in Captain America.

01:00:01.000 No, in a movie theater in Colorado.

01:00:03.000 Oh, in the premiere.

01:00:04.000 Oh, did you forget where your heart was at the beginning of this conversation?

01:00:08.000 I forgot my true loyalty. 0.97

01:00:14.000 I know it doesn't make sense that I don't watch the Batman movie, and I've come close to watching it a few times, but I always think, I don't want to fucking see it. 0.89

01:00:21.000 Best one ever. 0.91

01:00:21.000 Just because of that. 0.91

01:00:22.000 That guy did Joker. 0.99

01:00:23.000 He was amazing.

01:00:24.000 I'm sure.

01:00:25.000 I'm sure. 0.98

01:00:26.000 I mean, that Heath Ledger character was fucking incredible. 0.98

01:00:28.000 He was amazing. 0.98

01:00:31.000 I'm getting confused.

01:00:33.000 That's the one.

01:00:34.000 Heath Ledger was the joker.

01:00:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:38.000 That was his flick.

01:00:39.000 No, Bane.

01:00:40.000 Oh, Bane.

01:00:41.000 Christian Bale was the Batman.

01:00:43.000 No, Bane was the guy.

01:00:44.000 Heath Ledger's years ago.

01:00:45.000 Tom Rhodes, you became my grandpa.

01:00:47.000 Look at you.

01:00:47.000 You're like my grandpa.

01:00:48.000 He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but he yells about it. 1.00

01:00:50.000 Shut the fucking John Wayne! 1.00

01:00:52.000 It was a John Wayne movie! 1.00

01:00:54.000 I know every time I say Heath Ledger on stage, I know how dated it is.

01:00:59.000 Was Heath Ledger in the new Batman?

01:01:01.000 No, right?

01:01:01.000 No, I didn't say he was in the new Batman.

01:01:03.000 He was in the one at the premiere shooting.

01:01:05.000 No, no, no.

01:01:07.000 The new one was the Bane one. 1.00

01:01:08.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:01:09.000 The Bane one was the one where the guy came out. 1.00

01:01:11.000 Is that a year ago or two years ago?

01:01:14.000 2012. The Dark Knight Rises.

01:01:15.000 Yeah, so May.

01:01:17.000 I believe it was May.

01:01:18.000 I like to think I remember my shootings.

01:01:22.000 The number one problem with Captain America.

01:01:24.000 My audience comes to me when there's a big shooting waiting for my response.

01:01:28.000 Do they?

01:01:29.000 To see if you've got a joke?

01:01:30.000 Like if Malaysian planes went down every...

01:01:34.000 Six or eight weeks, I would be the prime minister of the shooting that has to come out with the joke.

01:01:42.000 I have an odd fan base is all I'm saying.

01:01:45.000 I'm aware of that.

01:01:47.000 I agree.

01:01:48.000 It's very odd.

01:01:50.000 It's what you get.

01:01:51.000 You're putting out an odd vibe.

01:01:52.000 You know, you live in the middle of nowhere.

01:01:54.000 What is Death Squad?

01:01:56.000 Explain Death Squad to me.

01:01:57.000 No one ever figured it out.

01:02:00.000 It's funny.

01:02:00.000 I was in London in February.

01:02:01.000 I don't use the word anymore.

01:02:02.000 It's too scary.

01:02:03.000 The theater, they go, some people showed up and they said they were with the Death Squad.

01:02:09.000 I was playing the Soho Theater.

01:02:10.000 It's just like a really prestigious theater in London.

01:02:12.000 And I got to play this theater, man.

01:02:16.000 And they're really proper theater people.

01:02:18.000 This is the origin of it.

01:02:19.000 And they were like, Death Squad.

01:02:20.000 We're on the Opie and Anthony show.

01:02:22.000 It was Eddie Bravo, Red Band, Tate, me.

01:02:26.000 Tate?

01:02:26.000 I showed up in Eddie Bravo's black belt jiu-jitsu champion, and Tate's this big gorilla.

01:02:34.000 Oh, not Jeff Tate.

01:02:35.000 No, no, no.

01:02:36.000 The comedian Jeff Tate.

01:02:38.000 Quickly, after Kreischer and I did our picks for the Ultimate Tour, we got down and sat down with his children and wife for dinner, and he mentioned Jeff Tate. 0.99

01:02:48.000 I'm like, fuck Jeff Tate! 0.97

01:02:49.000 Why didn't I pick Jeff Tate on my... 0.99

01:02:51.000 Yeah, he's a great comic out of Cincinnati.

01:02:54.000 Oh, so you thought I was talking about that guy.

01:02:56.000 No, no, no.

01:02:57.000 Go ahead.

01:02:57.000 Tate Fletcher, he's a big giant guy.

01:02:59.000 And Opie from Opie and Anthony goes, look, Joe Rogan showed up at the Death Squad.

01:03:04.000 That's it.

01:03:05.000 And then it was a joke.

01:03:06.000 We were laughing.

01:03:06.000 Ha ha ha.

01:03:07.000 And then, somehow or another, people kept using it.

01:03:10.000 And then, you know, many years later, Brian started these videos.

01:03:15.000 Remember those videos?

01:03:16.000 Yeah, the original Death Squad podcast.

01:03:17.000 Yeah, we used to do these videos, like, at shows.

01:03:20.000 And then he started the Death Squad podcast network. 0.99

01:03:24.000 The videos were all just us hanging around at shows, like you would do these little clips of stupid shit that was happening. 0.91

01:03:29.000 It was actually, we did the Joe show, and there was all this extra footage that was just bullshit stuff, and so I just made quick one-minute videos. 0.96

01:03:35.000 Every time I see a Death Squad t-shirt in my audience, which is often, I always say, hey, Death Squad, point them out on stage.

01:03:42.000 It's a weird name.

01:03:43.000 But I'm going to stop doing that.

01:03:44.000 Buy my t-shirts.

01:03:45.000 Ha! 0.89

01:03:46.000 Buy your t-shirts anyway.

01:03:47.000 It's a weird name.

01:03:49.000 That's why I stopped using it.

01:03:50.000 But I just stopped using it because it just sounds too crazy to use.

01:03:53.000 But feel free to keep using it.

01:03:54.000 I never knew the origins.

01:03:56.000 I assumed that was your network.

01:03:58.000 No, it's Brian.

01:03:59.000 Well, Brian started his podcast and he used that name.

01:04:03.000 Do you have a network?

01:04:04.000 No, I just have this.

01:04:07.000 What is a network?

01:04:08.000 What does that mean?

01:04:08.000 I don't know.

01:04:09.000 I have a network of guys that I'm friends with.

01:04:11.000 I'm on all things comedy, officially.

01:04:12.000 I don't know what that means.

01:04:14.000 I don't even know what it means.

01:04:15.000 That means you're getting somebody else involved.

01:04:16.000 I know I love Bill Burr, and yeah, sure, I'll do that.

01:04:19.000 All that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people, so in that sense, yes, but it's completely unofficial.

01:04:27.000 My podcast is joined with Ari's podcast, is joined with Joey Diaz's podcast, is joined with Duncan's podcast, is joined with all the Death Squad podcasts that Red Band produces, is joined with Burt Kreischer's podcast, is joined with Tom Segura.

01:04:42.000 But it's all...

01:04:43.000 Completely because we're friends.

01:04:45.000 There's no agreement, but we all support each other.

01:04:47.000 We all constantly...

01:04:48.000 Yeah, but that's like all things comedy is like that as well.

01:04:50.000 I'm with them.

01:04:51.000 There's no contracts.

01:04:52.000 No.

01:04:52.000 No, nothing.

01:04:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:04:53.000 And they just wanted comedians to do their own thing.

01:04:57.000 Yeah, but we're not like...

01:04:59.000 There's no official connection.

01:05:00.000 We just support each other.

01:05:01.000 All it does for me is make me more disciplined in that, okay, now I guess I told Bill Burr tacitly that I will do this... 1.00

01:05:10.000 On a weekly basis, rather than go, fuck it, no one cares. 0.99

01:05:15.000 So yeah, I'll be better about putting it out. 0.99

01:05:18.000 I feel like I have an obligation.

01:05:20.000 You should hire a guy to just turn the mic on. 0.96

01:05:22.000 It's so fucking fun. 0.94

01:05:24.000 I do. 0.98

01:05:24.000 It's so easy. 0.98

01:05:25.000 Just hire a guy all the time. 0.73

01:05:26.000 I have Greg Chaley.

01:05:26.000 But I mean all the time.

01:05:28.000 Whoever he is, all the time, you should have a guy that just turns the mic on.

01:05:31.000 It's so easy for you.

01:05:32.000 And it'll be fun for you.

01:05:34.000 I do. 1.00

01:05:35.000 You should do them every fucking day. 0.99

01:05:37.000 You should have a guy that turns the microphone on you every day. 1.00

01:05:39.000 Just lets you go.

01:05:40.000 Just turn the microphone on and lets you go.

01:05:43.000 Have you ever tried to do a Bill Burr style?

01:05:45.000 Have you ever done one by yourself?

01:05:47.000 I did a bunch of them in the beginning by myself.

01:05:49.000 That's amazing what he does for an hour.

01:05:50.000 I'm scared to even try it, even though I know I don't have to put it out.

01:05:54.000 I am...

01:05:54.000 I've done it in between, too, where a guy like you maybe need to take a leak, and you get up, and I'll just keep going, even for ten minutes.

01:06:02.000 But it becomes easy after a while.

01:06:03.000 You fall into a path.

01:06:04.000 I'm sure it would be, but initially, even when...

01:06:08.000 If I'm doing a set where I really... 0.98

01:06:12.000 All new shit, too much new shit, about to do a DVD, whatever. 0.99

01:06:18.000 I will get Brian, my manager, and make him... 1.00

01:06:20.000 Like, I just have to say this out loud.

01:06:22.000 You have to stand there.

01:06:24.000 But I can't say it out loud to myself.

01:06:25.000 Okay, this segues into this.

01:06:27.000 And then I'm going to do this.

01:06:28.000 So you say it out loud in front of someone other than the audience?

01:06:30.000 If it's important.

01:06:31.000 No, before a show.

01:06:33.000 Like, if I... Like when I worked the UK, and I have to abandon two-thirds of my set because it doesn't translate, and I've been writing a bunch of new shit that I don't really know, and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage.

01:06:47.000 Okay, this is the segue.

01:06:48.000 This gets me into this.

01:06:49.000 I'll make Brian listen to me say, not the whole set, but the bullet points and what the segue is, because I couldn't say it to myself, which I really am, but I need someone standing there to say it out loud.

01:07:03.000 And that's what a podcast by myself would feel like.

01:07:06.000 Right.

01:07:07.000 Yeah, I see what your point is, but it's more of a freestyle thing if you choose to just go over what's going on in the news every day.

01:07:15.000 There's always something in the news that's fascinating.

01:07:17.000 The beautiful thing about the time we're in, if you wanted to do a solo podcast, is all you have to do is go to your Twitter feed.

01:07:23.000 You know, I have a guy who works for me, Matt Staggs, he's my publicist for the podcast, and every day he sends me a news, an afternoon news, an evening news, and a morning news. 0.97

01:07:33.000 It's all just the most fucked up shit that's going on in the world, fascinating things. 0.99

01:07:37.000 And any day, I've got 20 of them. 1.00

01:07:40.000 Any day, there's 20 subjects.

01:07:43.000 Right, but I think what you're talking about, when you look at someone when you speak, just things...

01:07:48.000 I totally know what you're saying.

01:07:49.000 It's what you do on stage.

01:07:50.000 And if I'm talking too much, one of you will roll your eyes at me and I'll shut up and let the other guy talk.

01:07:59.000 Yeah, but you don't have to do that.

01:08:01.000 It's a totally different dynamic if you're doing a solo podcast.

01:08:04.000 Nobody wants you to shut up.

01:08:05.000 It's more about just not thinking about what you're saying, finding a channel in the river of ideas and just riding it.

01:08:14.000 And then just free-balling.

01:08:16.000 You get this comfortable free-ball thing going on, and as long as you're not too conscious or aware of what you're doing, you kind of catch this wave of creativity.

01:08:24.000 It's really fun.

01:08:25.000 You know, I've only done it a few times but I've done it on stage a bunch of times and there's this thing that Brian does With Jeremiah Watson? 0.95

01:08:33.000 Thunder Pussy. 1.00

01:08:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:35.000 That's the name though, right?

01:08:36.000 Yeah.

01:08:36.000 Jeremiah Watkins.

01:08:37.000 Yeah.

01:08:37.000 Watkins.

01:08:38.000 Sorry, I said Watson.

01:08:39.000 Oh.

01:08:39.000 Jeremiah...

01:08:40.000 I used to do it after shows, but the better way to do it is to do the whole show this way.

01:08:45.000 We just yell out...

01:08:47.000 Like, the audience yells out subjects.

01:08:48.000 Because you don't have any preparation whatsoever.

01:08:51.000 The audience yells out subjects.

01:08:53.000 And in yelling out subjects, out of nowhere...

01:08:55.000 Like, maybe a subject you never even thought about.

01:08:57.000 You'll just start talking about that subject... 0.99

01:09:00.000 And try to create comedy, and under the gun, with a bunch of people watching, a lot of times shit just comes up.

01:09:06.000 Right, like that show set list is fun like that, and they give you the ideas.

01:09:09.000 But it's different in that, it's not a bunch of comics that come up with these wacky things.

01:09:13.000 Orangutan pineapples!

01:09:15.000 What?

01:09:15.000 Orangutan pineapples!

01:09:17.000 No, it's fucking the audience. 1.00

01:09:19.000 It's the audience which comes up with the dumbest ideas that are the easiest to play off of. 1.00

01:09:24.000 Sometimes. 0.99

01:09:25.000 Yeah, like whenever there'd be an improv group. 1.00

01:09:28.000 Suckin' dick! 1.00

01:09:30.000 Oh, you know what? 1.00

01:09:31.000 Who said suckin' dick? 1.00

01:09:33.000 That was three nights ago! 1.00

01:09:35.000 I just heard suckin' dick from the audience. 1.00

01:09:38.000 I remember always improv troops. 1.00

01:09:39.000 They'd go, okay, give us a word.

01:09:40.000 And it was always the first word.

01:09:41.000 It was always someone in the audience. 0.95

01:09:42.000 Dildo! 0.88

01:09:43.000 It was always like, now I found the level of the crowd? 0.51

01:09:46.000 No, what genre of film?

01:09:47.000 Everybody always says porn.

01:09:49.000 Who says silent movies? 0.86

01:09:51.000 They all say porn. 0.98

01:09:53.000 And if they do say silent movies, you know, every fucking 45th show, you abandon the porn reference. 0.99

01:09:59.000 You go, silent movies! 0.98

01:10:00.000 Okay, we'll see what we can come up with. 1.00

01:10:02.000 Bitch, you got that shit memorized. 1.00

01:10:03.000 Here's a silent porn. 1.00

01:10:04.000 You know, those guys that used to work the crowd...

01:10:07.000 That was a big thing.

01:10:08.000 Like, guys who work the crowd, they would ask the crowd things.

01:10:10.000 People would go, ah, this guy just coming up with this on the fly.

01:10:12.000 Right.

01:10:13.000 And then you watch him three nights in a row. 1.00

01:10:14.000 You're like, he's coming up with the same shit on the fly over and over again. 0.99

01:10:17.000 He's seeing people that have touched themselves that aren't touching themselves. 0.99

01:10:20.000 Like, he's just...

01:10:21.000 Yeah.

01:10:21.000 It's not really...

01:10:22.000 Oh, when I said this, this guy did this.

01:10:24.000 No, he didn't.

01:10:25.000 No, he didn't.

01:10:26.000 I'm watching from backstage. 1.00

01:10:28.000 It's a fake ad-libbing, you fuckhead. 1.00

01:10:29.000 It's like the worst dirty trick of all time. 1.00

01:10:31.000 My first tour for David Tribble, my first road tour doing these Tribble gigs, I worked with Matt Fuck. 0.99

01:10:40.000 I can't remember his goddamn name now. 0.97

01:10:42.000 He was a Denver comic, but he did crowd rap, and it was kind of, he knew what was coming, but he'd go, what do you do? 0.99

01:10:49.000 The last gig in Price, Utah, he'd say, what do you do?

01:10:53.000 Like, the whole tour he was getting, I'm a pipe fitter, I'm a meat rapper, and I'm like, how are you getting this?

01:11:00.000 He was getting so fucking lucky with the easiest...

01:11:04.000 So we play Price, Utah, which is a mining town. 0.76

01:11:07.000 What do you do?

01:11:08.000 I work in the mine.

01:11:10.000 And he had whatever.

01:11:12.000 Four or five people, he said, what do you do?

01:11:14.000 I work in the mine.

01:11:16.000 I work in the mine. 0.99

01:11:17.000 And I'm like, finally, now you're on the fucking spot. 1.00

01:11:21.000 You're going to have to come up with some shit because everyone... 1.00

01:11:23.000 He's like, does anyone here not work in the mine? 0.99

01:11:26.000 And a girl raised her hand.

01:11:27.000 He said, what do you do?

01:11:28.000 I work at the come and go. 1.00

01:11:30.000 I'm like, oh, you fucking... 1.00

01:11:32.000 Get lucky every goddamn time. 1.00

01:11:34.000 You were all in. 1.00

01:11:37.000 And you caught that on the river.

01:11:40.000 Come and go. 1.00

01:11:41.000 Whoever came up with that fucking name. 1.00

01:11:43.000 I thought that was a joke. 1.00

01:11:44.000 The first time I ever saw that shit was in Colorado Springs. 1.00

01:11:47.000 I stopped my car because I didn't believe it was real. 1.00

01:11:50.000 I stopped my car and went, wait, that's the gas station?

01:11:52.000 It's called Come and Go with a K? Like some sort of a wacky fucking whorehouse? 1.00

01:11:57.000 Like a comedy night with a K on Tuesday? 1.00

01:12:01.000 At the fucking Clam House with a K. The come and go is the number one fucking bit on the menu at the Clam House. 1.00

01:12:12.000 It's when you just suck your dick. 1.00

01:12:13.000 No one says a word. 1.00

01:12:14.000 They push you in. 1.00

01:12:15.000 She just sucks your dick and you go. 1.00

01:12:18.000 That's the come and go at the Clam House with a K. Tuesday night's comedy night with a K. Cocktail. 1.00

01:12:24.000 Cocktail time.

01:12:26.000 Do you remember those places that would have comedy night with a K? Hang on, I'm drinking Kamchatka vodka with a K. Is that good?

01:12:33.000 A little plug.

01:12:34.000 What is it?

01:12:36.000 Shitty vodka.

01:12:37.000 Is that ours or yours?

01:12:39.000 Did you bring that?

01:12:40.000 I brought that.

01:12:41.000 What is it? 0.98

01:12:41.000 I don't fucking come not bearing gifts. 0.98

01:12:48.000 What is Kamchaka Vodka? 0.99

01:12:49.000 You know what?

01:12:49.000 I'd step all over my closer if I told you.

01:12:53.000 You know, I get you.

01:12:54.000 You know, they did this thing where they took vodka and they put it through one of those Brita water filters.

01:13:00.000 Tried it.

01:13:01.000 Heard the trick.

01:13:02.000 Tried it.

01:13:03.000 We did, you know, straight vodka taste tests. 1.00

01:13:07.000 It didn't work for shit. 0.99

01:13:09.000 Four or five times through a... 1.00

01:13:12.000 Didn't work for nothing? 1.00

01:13:14.000 It's all the same shit. 0.99

01:13:14.000 Years ago in San Francisco, you remember the punchline they would put you at the Commodore Hotel? 0.99

01:13:19.000 Yeah!

01:13:19.000 With the red room downstairs!

01:13:21.000 I was in the easy like Sunday morning suite.

01:13:24.000 Is that Commodore really okay?

01:13:26.000 Remember the staff used to party, man.

01:13:28.000 I had like eight people back in my hotel room and everyone drank until the wee hours.

01:13:33.000 Were you banging the whole staff?

01:13:34.000 No, no, no.

01:13:35.000 I remember waking up and there was like, I was completely hungover and I wanted to make some coffee and there was, I thought it was a cup full of water and I put it in the coffee machine and it was vodka and coffee and I thought, hey, this might be the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

01:13:51.000 Remember, the commercial guy's walking with the chocolate and he bumps into the guy with the, so I took a couple sips of it and it was definitely not the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

01:13:59.000 You know where they fucked up with that commercial?

01:14:02.000 They fucked up with that Reese's commercial because if you take some chocolate and you dip it into peanut butter, it tastes way fucking better than Reese's. 0.99

01:14:08.000 That's why they fucked up. 0.99

01:14:10.000 Because chocolate and peanut butter is really delicious. 1.00

01:14:12.000 But when you eat Reese's, you go, oh, I shouldn't have fucking ate that. 0.96

01:14:15.000 Yeah, Reese's is pretty bland and tasteless. 0.95

01:14:17.000 Yeah, Brian brought me some dark chocolate bars.

01:14:21.000 Ooh! 0.96

01:14:22.000 And we had them in the fridge.

01:14:23.000 And I don't eat chocolate, but there was nothing to eat.

01:14:26.000 And I had bought some pineapple off the street.

01:14:28.000 Fresh pineapple with a square of frozen dark chocolate.

01:14:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:33.000 God, it was good.

01:14:33.000 Dark chocolate is actually good for you.

01:14:34.000 It has a very high OROC value.

01:14:36.000 Is that why I feel so healthy right now?

01:14:38.000 Yeah.

01:14:39.000 It's high in antioxidants.

01:14:40.000 It's really good for you.

01:14:41.000 I don't like chocolate, but I've had chocolate in Europe that was just orgasmic. 0.99

01:14:45.000 From the first bite, you're like, God damn, this is the best thing ever. 0.97

01:14:47.000 You ever go to Ghirardelli Square? 0.99

01:14:49.000 Yeah, yeah, those are delicious.

01:14:51.000 Ghirardelli, they used to have a real chocolate factory right there in San Francisco.

01:14:54.000 And it was right down the street from the old Cobbs, the 150-seat Cobbs.

01:14:58.000 Did you ever work that Cobbs?

01:14:59.000 No.

01:14:59.000 I did all the time when I lived there.

01:15:01.000 I love that room.

01:15:01.000 One of the greatest all-time comedy clubs ever.

01:15:03.000 It was a fucking tragedy when they moved out of that place to the big place. 0.97

01:15:06.000 Tom Sawyer. 1.00

01:15:07.000 Fucking great, great club. 0.99

01:15:09.000 I mean, it was 150 seats and tight. 0.99

01:15:12.000 Today's Tom Sawyer. 1.00

01:15:13.000 It was a small, small fucking room. 0.99

01:15:17.000 He's a serious comedy fan, that dude. 0.99

01:15:19.000 Tom Sawyer loves comedy, man.

01:15:21.000 I was playing the Purple Onion.

01:15:22.000 I guess 60-seater when you were playing Cobbs, the new big room.

01:15:26.000 And we came down to see you.

01:15:30.000 The Purple Onion is now like an Italian restaurant.

01:15:33.000 It was always upstairs, but I came down to see Rogan.

01:15:36.000 I'm playing a 60-seater.

01:15:38.000 He's playing an 18,000-seater at Cobb's Comedy Club, whatever. 0.99

01:15:41.000 It's a big fucking airplane hangar. 0.99

01:15:44.000 450. Then we hung out with you afterwards. 0.99

01:15:46.000 It's like 2.30 in the morning.

01:15:48.000 They threw everyone out.

01:15:49.000 It's a staff party, and someone had blow.

01:15:52.000 Then I'm going, I'm supposed to go do a live remote for a car show, like a good morning San Francisco TV live from a car show on Saturday morning. 0.98

01:16:02.000 I go, I'm not going to fucking make it. 0.96

01:16:04.000 I just did lines. 0.98

01:16:06.000 It's 2.30. 0.99

01:16:07.000 So I got one of the local comics, Jason Fuck. 0.99

01:16:11.000 Don't let me forget your name. 0.97

01:16:14.000 I go, listen, will you go to the show as me?

01:16:19.000 That's right!

01:16:20.000 The man's show is about to come out.

01:16:22.000 Red Band has footage of this.

01:16:23.000 Oh, that's right.

01:16:24.000 I remember this.

01:16:24.000 I go, go down to the car show as me.

01:16:27.000 I'm delineating my...

01:16:30.000 Small amount of authority to a local guy that I know will do it. 0.97

01:16:33.000 He's like 10 years younger than me, 8 inches taller than me, but I still let him come by my room and get my overcoat and my fucking, you know, knit wool cap. 0.97

01:16:45.000 That's funny. 0.98

01:16:46.000 As my outfit.

01:16:47.000 And I have footage.

01:16:48.000 I have my own footage.

01:16:49.000 It was on television.

01:16:51.000 It made it to television.

01:16:52.000 Yeah, he went down and the whole graphic on the chyron on the bottom.

01:16:56.000 Man show host Doug Stanhope.

01:16:58.000 And he's just doing this straight interview as me.

01:17:01.000 You've got it.

01:17:02.000 That's beautiful.

01:17:05.000 We're in a hot car with a hot comedian, Doug Sandler, from Sketchfest San Francisco, standing by to give us some insights.

01:17:14.000 It's an interface between the internet and... 1.00

01:17:17.000 They did their fucking homework. 1.00

01:17:19.000 Oh, yes. 1.00

01:17:20.000 This is a new thing I'm very fascinated with.

01:17:22.000 It's at myspace.com.

01:17:23.000 We're going to be talking all about it coming up on Chromebook.

01:17:25.000 Oh, my God.

01:17:27.000 It looks nothing like me.

01:17:29.000 That hurts my feelings. 1.00

01:17:31.000 It hurts me how dumb that guy is. 1.00

01:17:35.000 What is that? 1.00

01:17:36.000 I wasn't good at Photoshop back then.

01:17:54.000 He's even dressed like you!

01:17:57.000 I gave him my clothes. 0.99

01:17:59.000 This guy's the worst.

01:18:00.000 I'm taking my career in my hands here.

01:18:05.000 I'm taking my career in my hands here?

01:18:21.000 Oh my god.

01:18:24.000 It doesn't go anywhere.

01:18:26.000 For the listeners at home.

01:18:27.000 It doesn't need to.

01:18:29.000 That guy is comedy.

01:18:30.000 The guy in the tan jacket, he's comedy.

01:18:33.000 Well, a walking shot.

01:18:34.000 That's pretty ambitious for a morning show.

01:18:37.000 Well, you know what?

01:18:37.000 They like to mix it up, Tom.

01:18:39.000 They like to get artistic. 0.99

01:18:40.000 I did a morning show in San Francisco years ago, and I was hungover as fuck. 0.98

01:18:44.000 And they go, would you mind? 0.99

01:18:46.000 All you had to say was morning. 1.00

01:18:48.000 We know you were hungover as fuck. 0.99

01:18:49.000 We have to cover this fencing thing. 0.99

01:19:00.000 I've got the fencing outfit on and the mask.

01:19:03.000 I didn't need to be there.

01:19:06.000 I'm still drunk and now I have to fence somebody so I can get an extra three people in the show.

01:19:14.000 Brendan Walsh did that for me when I was...

01:19:18.000 Andy threw a party at the bar that they filmed, Animal House, the Otis Day and the Night scene.

01:19:25.000 Mind if we dance with your dates?

01:19:27.000 Right.

01:19:28.000 Remember that?

01:19:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:29.000 So that bar still exists, and there's a campsite out in the way back of Oregon near there.

01:19:35.000 So we had this party out this campsite, and we...

01:19:38.000 And I can't get cell phone reception and I'm playing Seattle.

01:19:42.000 So I had Brendan Walsh.

01:19:44.000 I couldn't do a phoner to promote my show.

01:19:46.000 So we went into town to that bar.

01:19:48.000 I called Walsh.

01:19:50.000 I go, hey, will you do this phoner in Seattle as me?

01:19:54.000 And it's a show I've been on before.

01:19:57.000 So, yeah, sure, I'll do it.

01:19:59.000 So he did it, and they're like, wow, you don't sound like yourself.

01:20:02.000 But they went through, and Brendan Walsh did a whole interview.

01:20:05.000 Did he say he was sick or something? 1.00

01:20:07.000 I have no idea what he said, but his bullshit was strong. 1.00

01:20:11.000 That's fucking funny. 1.00

01:20:13.000 Tom Rhodes, don't piss in the sink. 1.00

01:20:14.000 That's not the bathroom.

01:20:15.000 Yeah, that's not the bathroom.

01:20:16.000 He's in there throwing up.

01:20:17.000 I've done that a lot.

01:20:19.000 Have you?

01:20:19.000 Bingo has caught me so many times trying to go into the closet in a hotel room to take a piss that you go, well, that's the amount of times you've woken up and found me.

01:20:29.000 How many times have I pissed all over my own shit and never knew about it? 0.99

01:20:34.000 I'm trying to remember. 0.99

01:20:35.000 I do it all the time.

01:20:36.000 It's the humidity, I guess.

01:20:37.000 I'm trying to remember who told me this story, but somebody opened up their drawer and they pissed on their sock drawer.

01:20:43.000 They opened up, they went to their dresser and they pulled their sock drawer open and they just pissed in there. 0.98

01:20:47.000 And I'm like, how the fuck did you think your sock drawer was the toilet? 0.99

01:20:50.000 I've peed in the... 0.99

01:20:51.000 I'm sure you've done this, though.

01:20:52.000 I've peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms.

01:20:54.000 That's what we're talking about. 0.88

01:20:55.000 We saw you go through the wrong door thinking you thought you were going to the piss. 0.82

01:20:59.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:20:59.000 You peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms?

01:21:02.000 Not a few of them, just being plastered.

01:21:04.000 Like, you know, I was saying how many times...

01:21:07.000 How many times bingos caught me doing that versus how many times she didn't wake up that I did that and didn't know I did that. 0.87

01:21:14.000 That's those extra two shots.

01:21:16.000 When your brain says it's over, Doug, stand up. 1.00

01:21:18.000 You say the fuck it is. 1.00

01:21:19.000 I was plastered in Ireland years ago and I went out the room door. 1.00

01:21:22.000 I thought I was going to...

01:21:23.000 I was just drunk and half awake.

01:21:25.000 I just needed to pee. 0.99

01:21:26.000 And I'm in the fucking hallway naked and I was banging on the door. 1.00

01:21:30.000 My girlfriend comes. 1.00

01:21:31.000 What the fuck are you doing out there? 1.00

01:21:33.000 Hennigan did that. 1.00

01:21:33.000 Open the motherfucking door! 1.00

01:21:35.000 We already have this on a podcast. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Hennigan did that. 0.99

01:21:39.000 Right there, my manager, and Henry Phillips both have stories walking out, thinking they're going into the bathroom, walking out naked, and the door shuts behind them, and they're both naked in the fucking hallway. 0.99

01:21:51.000 And then you instantly become John Ritter. 0.99

01:21:55.000 There's no way!

01:21:56.000 That's not comedy!

01:21:57.000 And very sober.

01:22:00.000 No, I don't have identification.

01:22:01.000 If you do like a 20-year bid in a hotel, you're working in a hotel for 20 years.

01:22:06.000 Some of the dudes coming down naked. 0.99

01:22:08.000 How many dudes come down naked during your entire career holding their cock and balls just going, I know you're not going to stay at the hotel. 1.00

01:22:15.000 That's what happened to Brian. 1.00

01:22:17.000 He went into a locker, a housekeeping door that was open, grabbed a sheet or whatever, put it over his dick, and walked down to the hotel and they just gave him a key... 0.99

01:22:27.000 They didn't say ID or anything. 0.98

01:22:31.000 One good thing about being old is people don't question your intentions.

01:22:35.000 Get the naked old guy out of the lobby as quick as possible. 1.00

01:22:40.000 It's way more common than we want to admit, especially if people are drinking booze.

01:22:43.000 People are drinking booze.

01:22:44.000 I think they're pissing in the hallway.

01:22:46.000 They're walking outside.

01:22:47.000 They're getting...

01:22:47.000 People get so drunk.

01:22:48.000 I mean, how many people have been around that have gotten so drunk they don't know what the fuck they're doing? 0.96

01:22:52.000 I mean, how many people? 0.98

01:22:53.000 A lot.

01:22:53.000 Six stitches.

01:22:54.000 We're not unique.

01:22:56.000 We're not unique. 0.99

01:22:57.000 You know, you add us, connect us all to all the fucking people out there in the world that are drinking. 1.00

01:23:02.000 There's a lot of people walking down that hall with a dick in their hand going, shit, they hear that ka-chunk. 1.00

01:23:07.000 That's the thing. 1.00

01:23:08.000 You gotta walk to the front desk with confidence.

01:23:10.000 Yeah.

01:23:11.000 You know? 1.00

01:23:11.000 We just gotta have one hand on your dick and the other hand, like, just casually explaining your story. 1.00

01:23:16.000 You know, man. 1.00

01:23:18.000 You know.

01:23:19.000 Give me a towel.

01:23:20.000 Take your shirt off.

01:23:21.000 My only problem at that drunk would be over-explaining it.

01:23:24.000 I'd be going, listen, I went to this bar.

01:23:27.000 It was 7 o'clock.

01:23:28.000 I hadn't eaten. 1.00

01:23:30.000 Or letting him suck your dick just to make the story way over the top. 1.00

01:23:33.000 I've never got the front desk to suck my dick, but I'm not Joe Rogan. 1.00

01:23:37.000 But could you imagine if you went to the front desk and a man was like, look, I'll give you the key, but I want to suck your dick. 1.00

01:23:42.000 You might let him at least put his dick in your mouth so you could tell people about it. 1.00

01:23:47.000 You would think about it. 1.00

01:23:48.000 You'd be like, this is the most ridiculous thing. 0.98

01:23:50.000 I'm not saying you, Tom Rhodes. 1.00

01:23:51.000 I'm saying Doug Stanhope letting a man put his dick in his mouth. 1.00

01:23:54.000 You'd let a guy blow you at the front desk? 1.00

01:23:56.000 Not blow him! 1.00

01:23:58.000 I can see myself saying, alright, you suck my dick as a pre-check because I was going to call a hooker, but if I can't get it up... 1.00

01:24:06.000 If I do this, will you give me a right check? 1.00

01:24:08.000 Do some diagnostics on my penis before I waste $350 on Eros Guide. 0.99

01:24:13.000 Do some diagnostics! 1.00

01:24:15.000 Are you plugged in, sir?

01:24:16.000 Do you have the updated software?

01:24:25.000 Yeah, you would do it just for the story.

01:24:27.000 Just for a late checkout.

01:24:28.000 There was a time in my life, yeah.

01:24:30.000 Between you and Tom Rhodes.

01:24:31.000 Tom Rhodes, you wouldn't go there.

01:24:32.000 I'm playing the UK. I have none of my material work but getting blown in a hotel hallway by a front desk man.

01:24:38.000 That's universal.

01:24:40.000 Do it.

01:24:40.000 Well, there's the other thing.

01:24:41.000 Like, the UK, they demand a new show every year, right?

01:24:44.000 They want you to have, like, a show.

01:24:47.000 This is the end of the world show.

01:24:50.000 In the UK, they all do their shows kind of like plays where they title it.

01:24:54.000 It has a beginning and an end and a through line.

01:24:57.000 What's that about?

01:24:58.000 Well, I'm doing the Edinburgh Festival this year.

01:24:59.000 I've never done it.

01:25:00.000 Are you going to succumb to that peer pressure?

01:25:04.000 I've just always wanted to do it.

01:25:05.000 But I mean, are you going to just do...

01:25:08.000 An hour?

01:25:09.000 I'm going to do what I do.

01:25:10.000 No, I'm not going to talk about my dad dying.

01:25:11.000 You're not going to make it all make sense?

01:25:13.000 Hold on, let me explain.

01:25:16.000 A lot of guys have a beginning, middle, and end.

01:25:20.000 Over there, I never did.

01:25:22.000 But those guys do.

01:25:23.000 They have a themed show.

01:25:24.000 Jim Jeffries had, I can't remember the name.

01:25:27.000 But yeah, it was about, he takes this subject and it can vary.

01:25:31.000 There's a through line and an arc and then there's supposed to be a tidy ending.

01:25:36.000 It's a play! 1.00

01:25:39.000 That's a fucking play! 1.00

01:25:41.000 And plays suck. 1.00

01:25:42.000 Yeah, I'm not into that. 0.99

01:25:43.000 What's wrong with going out and pounding people with jokes?

01:25:46.000 I'm not ending the same way every night.

01:25:48.000 I'm not beginning the same way every night.

01:25:49.000 There's not going to be the same middle. 0.94

01:25:50.000 That's ridiculous. 0.89

01:25:51.000 You don't have to do it that way. 0.99

01:25:52.000 No, no, you don't.

01:25:53.000 But they...

01:25:54.000 Again, the same way we have three comics, any comedy club you go into, there's an opener, a feature, which I'm plugging this everywhere.

01:26:05.000 Stop saying feature.

01:26:06.000 It confuses the audience.

01:26:08.000 Just say your next act.

01:26:10.000 And then your headliner.

01:26:11.000 Yeah, just say the next act.

01:26:11.000 The middle act.

01:26:13.000 But if you say, I'm middling for Stan Hope, that's what you're really doing.

01:26:16.000 You're middling.

01:26:16.000 But when you announce it to an audience, a feature they think is a headliner.

01:26:20.000 They don't know the difference.

01:26:21.000 Well, not only that, it's gross.

01:26:22.000 Because you know what you're doing.

01:26:23.000 It's the same exact spot.

01:26:24.000 You're doing the same exact thing.

01:26:26.000 You're trying to pretend it's more prestigious by calling it a feature. 1.00

01:26:28.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:26:29.000 I have... 1.00

01:26:29.000 But a feature would sound like a headliner to a pedestrian audience who doesn't know that. 1.00

01:26:34.000 It wasn't a thing that anybody ever used in the East Coast.

01:26:38.000 That was a thing that you would only use in the road for whatever reason guys would use.

01:26:42.000 The only point was in the UK they tend to do that.

01:26:46.000 They have a themed show.

01:26:49.000 This is what it's called.

01:26:51.000 They have opening acts?

01:26:52.000 Not at Edinburgh, no.

01:26:54.000 No, you go out, you perform your show.

01:26:57.000 At some point I go, these rules don't apply to me. 0.99

01:27:02.000 Yeah, I'm going to bring fucking Henry Phillips over. 0.88

01:27:04.000 Right, but in clubs in England, usually a lot of times the best comedian is the host. 0.97

01:27:09.000 Opens with 20, the whole show is his thing.

01:27:11.000 I don't know why in America...

01:27:13.000 We put on open micers who have no experience and they don't know how to run a show.

01:27:17.000 It's great.

01:27:17.000 When in England, a show's great from the start because usually he's getting paid the most and everyone else does 20 minute sets and this guy, he's presenting.

01:27:27.000 He's David Letterman.

01:27:28.000 We used to do that in Boston.

01:27:30.000 But that was the thing in Boston.

01:27:32.000 It would be like, tonight is a Don Gavin show.

01:27:34.000 And Friends.

01:27:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:36.000 Steve Sweeney and Friends.

01:27:37.000 Kevin Knox and Friends.

01:27:38.000 They would...

01:27:39.000 Kenny Rogerson and Friends.

01:27:40.000 They did that all the time. 0.99

01:27:41.000 Well, we need to change the fucking open-miker out there first. 1.00

01:27:46.000 Because every people know the first guy's going to suck. 0.99

01:27:48.000 Why are you saying we can change? 0.95

01:27:50.000 Why are you saying we can change? 0.99

01:27:51.000 If anybody can fucking do whatever the fuck they want, it's you too. 1.00

01:27:54.000 You can both do whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

01:27:55.000 What we do. 0.99

01:27:56.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:27:57.000 I'm talking about...

01:27:57.000 The United States, right.

01:27:59.000 I'm talking about...

01:27:59.000 The club format.

01:28:01.000 Zigzogs in Springfield, Missouri. 1.00

01:28:03.000 Right, right, right.

01:28:04.000 But do you do it?

01:28:05.000 I... I don't do it.

01:28:06.000 I don't go out first and host the show.

01:28:09.000 I'm talking about people who are still in comedy clubs where people are going to see comedy and not the comics.

01:28:16.000 Right.

01:28:16.000 So they still think they have to put three up.

01:28:18.000 I fucking... 0.99

01:28:21.000 Plow through. 0.99

01:28:22.000 I said this on fucking Burt Kreischer's podcast, so I don't want to repeat one conversation. 0.99

01:28:28.000 But yes, if you don't have a great herd of comics, don't just put up a guy that's shitty because you think you need three. 0.98

01:28:37.000 Right, but don't you think that the only way we ever get really...

01:28:41.000 We're good to go.

01:29:03.000 Those guys like Duncan and Ari, both those guys, when I started taking them on the road with me, were essentially open micers.

01:29:10.000 They really didn't work professionally very much.

01:29:12.000 They weren't making money off of it.

01:29:13.000 But I knew that they had potential.

01:29:15.000 So I figured if they could go on stage and break the crowd in, like you go out to a cold crowd every night, a packed crowd, Right, but those guys have personalities that people love from hearing them on your show.

01:29:34.000 No, no, no.

01:29:37.000 This was way before that.

01:29:38.000 Okay.

01:29:38.000 This was like in the 2002s, 2003s, I was taking those guys to the road with me when they were first starting out.

01:29:45.000 There was no podcast back then.

01:29:47.000 I didn't have any internet presence at all.

01:29:48.000 There was nothing.

01:29:49.000 Every show was just you do radio, you go to town, do local radio.

01:29:53.000 I had nothing.

01:29:54.000 I had a message board that was pretty popular, but...

01:29:58.000 You know, I mean, what does that mean?

01:29:59.000 Like, 10,000 members or something like that?

01:30:02.000 The whole country?

01:30:03.000 You can't, like, fill a crowd at a comedy club or something like that.

01:30:07.000 So it was all people that knew me, most likely from TV, and Duncan would go up first.

01:30:11.000 Okay.

01:30:12.000 And by doing that, it's like strength training.

01:30:15.000 It's like running up hills.

01:30:16.000 You know, you just develop the ability to get out of the gate strong.

01:30:20.000 And I watch them all sort of morph in that sense.

01:30:23.000 So I see what you're saying.

01:30:25.000 It is the best way to do it, to have a guy like the Tom Rhodes and Friends show.

01:30:30.000 And you go out, so from the moment they go, at the very least, Tom Rhodes is coming back.

01:30:34.000 No, I like going on at the end with the big fat hour piece of cake. 0.97

01:30:39.000 Move the middle guy to the front and put the shitty guy in the middle. 1.00

01:30:43.000 You're not going to have an opener at the Fringe Festival, are you? 0.91

01:30:46.000 Oh, no.

01:30:47.000 No, no.

01:30:47.000 Just me for an hour.

01:30:48.000 But the problem is, the middle guy...

01:30:50.000 No, we're talking... 1.00

01:30:51.000 If the middle guy is a shitty guy, he's just going to get buried. 0.96

01:30:55.000 There's a big difference between getting buried by, like, if you have Diaz, and then after Diaz, you have a guy who's just starting out... 0.98

01:31:01.000 You did that with me.

01:31:02.000 It's hard.

01:31:02.000 We did it with you.

01:31:03.000 But that was not planned.

01:31:05.000 Yeah, that was fun too.

01:31:06.000 I mean, we did it for fun.

01:31:09.000 But Joey also knows you.

01:31:11.000 He loves you.

01:31:11.000 He throws you on stage.

01:31:12.000 He gives you a great introduction.

01:31:14.000 And everybody knows that Joey's coming back.

01:31:16.000 But there is... 0.99

01:31:18.000 That's also part of being a great host, is not front-loading the whole shit. 0.99

01:31:24.000 You don't open with your closer and then bring out the fucking we-kneed guy. 1.00

01:31:28.000 You ramp it up, and then you're going to come back, and then you make it a little stronger, and you know how to do the show. 0.98

01:31:34.000 That's the technician.

01:31:36.000 That's the guy. 1.00

01:31:36.000 That's your manager of the fucking show. 1.00

01:31:39.000 But there's some guys that are really good. 1.00

01:31:41.000 They're really funny, but they still need to be baby-fucked. 0.79

01:31:45.000 There's some guys that you just can't have someone too strong go on before them. 0.96

01:31:49.000 There's just some guys.

01:31:50.000 They have a great style, they have a great...

01:31:52.000 The famous Mitch Hedberg incidents that happened all across the country were all the wrong setup.

01:31:58.000 Like, some guy would go up, he was the wrong middle act, he would go up, he would crush, and then Hedberg couldn't follow him.

01:32:04.000 And no one could ever say that Hedberg wasn't brilliant.

01:32:07.000 Hedberg was one of my all-time favorite comics. 0.98

01:32:09.000 But Hedberg was a shitty emcee. 0.60

01:32:10.000 He was emceeing the first time I met him, I was the middle act. 0.98

01:32:14.000 And he'd go up with his jokes.

01:32:16.000 He had no, hey, how's everyone doing at night?

01:32:19.000 Not whatsoever.

01:32:19.000 Hey, what are you drinking there?

01:32:20.000 And it would have a birthday.

01:32:21.000 He had no skill.

01:32:24.000 Junior Stopka, who I use now.

01:32:27.000 I'd make Brian Hennigan, my manager, or Chaley go up and just say anything if there was no opening act just so Junior didn't have to go up cold because he's got nothing other than his jokes.

01:32:39.000 He has no...

01:32:40.000 He doesn't have interpersonal skills as a friend.

01:32:45.000 I don't know if you necessarily need those if your jokes are strong.

01:32:48.000 You don't necessarily need those.

01:32:50.000 It's awkward at first, but after a few seconds...

01:32:52.000 Well, we play a lot of fucked up venues where you kind of have to address awkward situations. 0.79

01:32:58.000 Yeah, you need that guy. 0.57

01:33:00.000 So even just my tour manager going up, going, hey, everyone doing great, okay, turn off your cell phone, just announcements, and then bring him up.

01:33:09.000 That makes sense.

01:33:10.000 Just get people focused.

01:33:11.000 That's a good move.

01:33:12.000 That's a very good move.

01:33:13.000 But yeah, there's some people that are not going to be good MCs.

01:33:17.000 Well, there's some guys that never respond to anything that happens in the audience.

01:33:20.000 They do not deviate from the rap. 0.98

01:33:21.000 Hey, rap guys, MC has an actual fucking meaning in our world. 0.98

01:33:25.000 Oh, go ahead. 0.99

01:33:26.000 Wow, what are you trying to say?

01:33:27.000 Are you starting a rap war?

01:33:27.000 I'm trying to be the Donald Sterling comedy.

01:33:30.000 Dude, don't start a rap war on my show. 0.99

01:33:32.000 If you want to go on your fucking All Things Comedy and start a rap war, some East Coast, West Coast type shit, you go right ahead. 0.99

01:33:39.000 I'm not about that, Doug Stanhope. 0.99

01:33:42.000 Death Squad versus ATC. What is ATC? Oh, shit.

01:33:45.000 All Things Comedy. 1.00

01:33:46.000 Jesus, get an acronym.

01:33:49.000 Just wanted to make sure I was right.

01:33:56.000 Comedy. 0.88

01:33:57.000 Remember when you were starting out and you never had a fucking inkling of the idea of having a career? 0.89

01:34:03.000 Having a career of comedy is just like a... 0.87

01:34:05.000 When you get those emails, they're the saddest emails, right?

01:34:09.000 Listen, I've been thinking about doing comedy, but like...

01:34:14.000 How do I get paid? 0.99

01:34:17.000 If that's how you're getting into comedy, you're fucked from the beginning. 0.98

01:34:21.000 When opening acts ask you, or open mic guys, the same thing. 0.96

01:34:25.000 When can I expect to be paid from this?

01:34:28.000 But the guys before they've ever stepped on a stage going, how am I going to get an agent out of this?

01:34:34.000 What?

01:34:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:36.000 You're supposed to want to get pussy out of this. 1.00

01:34:39.000 That's why you get to open mic. 0.99

01:34:41.000 You want to impress the next funniest guy who's not funny.

01:34:46.000 That's your first goal. 0.99

01:34:48.000 Yeah, the first time you make the back of the room laugh is the first time you feel like, holy shit, I might be a comedian. 0.98

01:34:53.000 I heard some comics laugh. 0.94

01:34:55.000 Yeah.

01:34:55.000 You remember the first time when you were an open mic and you heard a pro laugh at something you said?

01:34:59.000 And you're like, holy shit, I made a real comedian laugh. 0.98

01:35:03.000 I didn't just make the audience laugh. 0.97

01:35:06.000 I think when we were starting out, though, you know, you started out in, what, 90?

01:35:09.000 Yeah.

01:35:10.000 88?

01:35:11.000 84, baby.

01:35:12.000 You know, it was just like a dream of being able to get paid to do comedy, but the idea of a career or, like...

01:35:22.000 The first time I got paid it was either $10 or $15.

01:35:25.000 Ha ha! 0.86

01:35:26.000 And then I call my brother.

01:35:27.000 I go, I'm technically a professional now because I just got paid.

01:35:31.000 And he goes, does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear?

01:35:36.000 Well, I've always said that, you know, the toughest thing about being a comedian is keeping a straight face when they pay you.

01:35:42.000 Right.

01:35:43.000 Like, wow, you just gave me money for this?

01:35:45.000 Yeah, no, I've come to grips with the fact that I have a scam for a living, and I've had no tough life, and there's no way I should get paid for this. 0.98

01:35:55.000 But, like, when I did fraud telemarketing before this, you go, hey, if you don't fuck them over, someone else will. 0.83

01:36:03.000 The first time I ever got paid, I worked for a guy named Warren McDonald. 0.95

01:36:06.000 Warren McDonald had a brother that was, he would do the...

01:36:12.000 No!

01:36:13.000 He would run the open mic night.

01:36:15.000 Good guy. 1.00

01:36:16.000 I forget his fucking name. 0.99

01:36:18.000 I want to say Bill. 0.99

01:36:19.000 Anyway, he was the guy who ran the open mic night.

01:36:23.000 And I worked for him. 0.98

01:36:25.000 We used to do these Norm LaFoe gigs in the middle of fucking nowhere.

01:36:29.000 Did you ever do a Norm LaFoe gig?

01:36:31.000 Did you ever do one of those?

01:36:32.000 No, no.

01:36:32.000 I never worked back east.

01:36:33.000 You never worked back east at all?

01:36:34.000 No, I started in Vegas.

01:36:36.000 But you lived in Worcester.

01:36:38.000 You went back and did gigs there, right?

01:36:40.000 I went back once.

01:36:41.000 Was it Stitches?

01:36:42.000 Yeah.

01:36:43.000 Which year was that?

01:36:44.000 I did that once.

01:36:44.000 Open mic era.

01:36:45.000 So the first six months or a year, I ate shit. 1.00

01:36:49.000 I sucked. 1.00

01:36:50.000 So 91? 0.97

01:36:51.000 That was probably like 90, 91?

01:36:52.000 Yeah.

01:36:53.000 I was still there.

01:36:54.000 I think I was still there until 91 or 92. Yeah.

01:36:58.000 Back visiting, I thought, oh, I'm doing an open mic.

01:37:02.000 Do you remember what street it was on?

01:37:03.000 Was it a bigger Stitches, or was it the really tiny place that was next to the Paradise?

01:37:06.000 Commonwealth.

01:37:07.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

01:37:08.000 If that's right, that is the fucking drunkest, saturated, old, fossilized brain cell that just came out and told you a street. 1.00

01:37:17.000 Yeah, no, that's it. 0.99

01:37:18.000 Commonwealth Ave.

01:37:19.000 I wonder what the Paradise, the Paradise Boston.

01:37:22.000 I was on Bill Burr's...

01:37:23.000 Well, you're in Massachusetts.

01:37:25.000 Yeah.

01:37:26.000 I mentioned Zarex.

01:37:28.000 Do you remember Zarex?

01:37:31.000 Zarex? 0.62

01:37:31.000 It was a syrup that you'd pour into water as a kid, like Tang, but it was a syrup with a zebra on the front. 0.62

01:37:37.000 He's like, yeah, yeah.

01:37:39.000 Hey, Zarex, was there a zebra? 0.99

01:37:43.000 And then, just like that fucking Commonwealth brain cell, he sang the theme song for... 0.99

01:37:50.000 From Zarex, like he was speaking in tongues. 1.00

01:37:53.000 He didn't know what I meant at first, and he goes, wait, a zebra?

01:37:56.000 And then he burst into song and had the theme song, which I didn't even know.

01:38:01.000 You went to the real Stitches, if you went to Commonwealth Ave.

01:38:05.000 You went to the original Stitches, which was next to the Paradise.

01:38:08.000 The Paradise was a rock club.

01:38:10.000 Like this really small rock club.

01:38:12.000 You're trying to aggrandize a rape scene for me. 0.90

01:38:16.000 I died so miserably. 0.99

01:38:18.000 But you got raped in a really historical place. 1.00

01:38:21.000 You did. 1.00

01:38:22.000 No, I died. 0.99

01:38:22.000 It was the most miserable fucking experience of my early comedy career. 0.99

01:38:26.000 You took it right in your dick hole at a really important place. 1.00

01:38:29.000 They fucking hated me. 1.00

01:38:30.000 That's... 0.99

01:38:31.000 Zarex? 0.62

01:38:32.000 It's back in production now.

01:38:33.000 They started making Zarex again.

01:38:35.000 What is it?

01:38:35.000 What is Zarex?

01:38:36.000 It's like that, like I said, it's stuff you put in, like drink.

01:38:38.000 It's kind of like that stuff where you put in one little drop into water and it turns it into fruit punch.

01:38:44.000 They looked it up.

01:38:45.000 Like Tang.

01:38:46.000 Sort of a Tang ripoff. 0.83

01:38:47.000 Yeah.

01:38:48.000 That spot was amazing.

01:38:50.000 That Little Stitches.

01:38:51.000 That Little Stitches was the little dark room. 1.00

01:38:53.000 It was amazing unless you were a young mullet-haired kid and your brother came to see you for the first time and you ate shit in front of everyone. 1.00

01:39:01.000 I did my first set ever there. 0.99

01:39:03.000 How'd you do?

01:39:04.000 That wasn't that good.

01:39:05.000 I'll be honest with you.

01:39:07.000 Your first set wasn't good? 0.99

01:39:08.000 Pretty fucking terrible. 0.95

01:39:09.000 We were talking about this, I don't know if it was Burr or Kreischer, but that would be a great set list show, kind of themed show, is break out your first notebooks. 0.99

01:39:19.000 Oh, wow, that'd be great.

01:39:20.000 I wish I had them.

01:39:20.000 I wish I still had them.

01:39:21.000 I would love to do that.

01:39:22.000 It was embarrassing.

01:39:23.000 I have them.

01:39:24.000 I got mine too.

01:39:25.000 Oh, do you really?

01:39:25.000 My first one, I wrote out my name.

01:39:28.000 I wrote out...

01:39:29.000 Hi, my name is Doug Stanhope. 0.99

01:39:32.000 I wrote every fucking word out. 0.98

01:39:35.000 I have it. 0.99

01:39:36.000 Did you ever practice on a tape recorder before you actually did comedy?

01:39:40.000 I don't remember doing that.

01:39:41.000 My dad had one of those tape recorder things.

01:39:43.000 I would try and do, like, record funny things.

01:39:46.000 You know, where you had to push down with two fingers.

01:39:48.000 No, like the cassette thing.

01:39:49.000 Where guys in the, you know, office guys did dictation or whatever to those things.

01:39:54.000 Yep, I had the exact same thing.

01:39:55.000 I tried to make silly, you know, little radio shows.

01:39:58.000 I didn't try to do that, but I tried to do stand-up in it.

01:40:01.000 I would try to do my own version of stand-up as if I was talking to a crowd, and then I would play it to a couple of my friends.

01:40:06.000 You think this is funny?

01:40:07.000 None of them thought it was funny.

01:40:09.000 They all had the same look, like, oh my god, what are you doing? 1.00

01:40:12.000 Like if you're a white guy who wants to try boxing, they're like, oh yeah, man, you're going to fucking kick everybody's ass, bro. 1.00

01:40:19.000 There was this sense of sadness when they listened to your comedy. 1.00

01:40:26.000 You're never going to make it.

01:40:27.000 It's terrible.

01:40:28.000 Open mic when you're first starting.

01:40:30.000 You're throwing anything against the wall that would work.

01:40:32.000 I always break it down into two very distinct stages in the beginning of your comedy.

01:40:37.000 In the first stage, you do anything to try to get a laugh. 0.99

01:40:40.000 Shit you don't think is funny. 0.99

01:40:42.000 It's just tools. 1.00

01:40:43.000 They're just hammers and screwdrivers.

01:40:45.000 You're just hoping to get something that works.

01:40:47.000 Sea monkeys was a phrase I built.

01:40:51.000 That's a funny thing and I built anything around it where I turned it into a sexually transmitted disease eventually.

01:40:58.000 But I just wanted to say sea monkeys because I thought that was funny.

01:41:01.000 It's a funny word.

01:41:02.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of those.

01:41:03.000 I used to say spatula.

01:41:05.000 I used a prop on my first open mic, and I didn't realize it was racist.

01:41:12.000 It was racist?

01:41:13.000 What was it?

01:41:14.000 With a cross burning on it as well. 1.00

01:41:17.000 It was a monkey with a fucking jockey outfit on. 1.00

01:41:20.000 In a basketball uniform. 1.00

01:41:22.000 His hat on backwards.

01:41:25.000 With a boombox in his shoulder.

01:41:26.000 No idea.

01:41:27.000 I had no idea.

01:41:28.000 He was picking cotton. 0.95

01:41:29.000 He was a punching nun picking cotton in blackface. 1.00

01:41:33.000 He was chained to a plantation stair. 0.85

01:41:37.000 It was an open mic night joke.

01:41:39.000 Sorry. 0.97

01:41:39.000 He was robbing a white man. 0.97

01:41:43.000 I had no idea.

01:41:46.000 Hey, Bamamba.

01:41:47.000 Says Tom Rhodes on his first open mic.

01:41:50.000 He was talking like Fat Albert's friend with a hat over his face.

01:41:53.000 Abba dabba.

01:41:55.000 I had no idea it was racist.

01:41:57.000 By the way, I'm white.

01:42:00.000 And I'm not racist at all and I'm super respectful of black people.

01:42:10.000 Sorry.

01:42:13.000 I'm sorry.

01:42:14.000 What were you saying?

01:42:15.000 Oh, nothing.

01:42:16.000 Something wasn't racist.

01:42:18.000 I made it in art class.

01:42:20.000 I started when I was 17. I made one of those high school...

01:42:23.000 This is a black-faced Mr. Bill. 1.00

01:42:27.000 With a giant dick! 1.00

01:42:31.000 Where are all the white women at? 1.00

01:42:33.000 All the white women were climbing on it while he was eating a piece of chicken. 1.00

01:42:38.000 There's no reason it should have taken this long to get to this quick story. 1.00

01:42:41.000 I'm fucking crying! 0.99

01:42:42.000 I'm fucking crying over here. 1.00

01:42:45.000 Oh my... 1.00

01:42:50.000 He had welfare checks in his back pocket and I have no idea why anybody would think that shit was racist. 1.00

01:42:56.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:42:58.000 He had bell bottoms on an afro. 1.00

01:43:02.000 It's fucking... 1.00

01:43:04.000 Watermelon's delicious. 1.00

01:43:05.000 I don't know what the problem is.

01:43:07.000 It's all right.

01:43:09.000 Why is everybody so uppity? 1.00

01:43:11.000 He had big lips around his penis. 1.00

01:43:14.000 Is urethra? 1.00

01:43:15.000 Yep.

01:43:16.000 Hop.

01:43:19.000 Sorry.

01:43:19.000 All right.

01:43:21.000 Sorry.

01:43:22.000 I had to make it one.

01:43:23.000 I had to make it unfunny so he could answer your story.

01:43:25.000 Something happened?

01:43:25.000 Sorry.

01:43:26.000 Nothing. 0.93

01:43:27.000 It's a black guy or something. 0.98

01:43:28.000 Joe, just try a cigarette. 0.95

01:43:29.000 One cigarette.

01:43:30.000 I've done it before.

01:43:31.000 I did it with you.

01:43:32.000 Come on, I want to hear this story. 1.00

01:43:34.000 No, fuck it. 1.00

01:43:35.000 I ain't even telling it. 1.00

01:43:36.000 It was like a secret that I never would have fucking told anybody. 0.98

01:43:39.000 And you guys clowned on it. 1.00

01:43:41.000 So fuck that, I ain't telling you. 1.00

01:43:41.000 You're never going to tell anybody except on the internet. 1.00

01:43:45.000 Yeah.

01:43:46.000 Please. 0.97

01:43:46.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

01:43:47.000 You guys go off with your fucking watermelon. 1.00

01:43:50.000 What was your racist thing? 1.00

01:43:53.000 I'll tell you my first racist joke.

01:43:54.000 I was a kid.

01:43:55.000 I didn't, you know, whatever.

01:43:56.000 I didn't know any better.

01:43:57.000 I was, you know, you're trying to be funny.

01:43:58.000 And, uh, I don't know.

01:44:01.000 You know, I wasn't...

01:44:01.000 I made an art class, one of those street signs that's a school crossing.

01:44:08.000 And, like, I made an art class, like, you know, with, like, black markers, and I made it, and, like, a yellow poster board. 0.97

01:44:14.000 I cut it, the size, the shape of the fucking school crossings. 0.95

01:44:18.000 I didn't... 1.00

01:44:19.000 I said, come on, when was the last time you saw two ball-headed black kids walk into school carrying books? 1.00

01:44:26.000 I don't get it. 0.91

01:44:28.000 I was 17. I was an idiot. 1.00

01:44:29.000 But I mean, why is it... 1.00

01:44:31.000 Wait a minute.

01:44:32.000 So it was...

01:44:33.000 Just when did you... 0.98

01:44:34.000 When would you ever see two ball-headed black kids? 1.00

01:44:35.000 But it was a sign. 0.94

01:44:36.000 The sign had...

01:44:37.000 No, it's the regular street sign.

01:44:39.000 Okay.

01:44:39.000 Yeah, you know, a school crossing sign.

01:44:41.000 Right.

01:44:41.000 I recreated that exact thing.

01:44:43.000 Oh, I see.

01:44:43.000 So the silhouettes.

01:44:44.000 You're saying it's black kids. 1.00

01:44:45.000 It was stupid. 1.00

01:44:46.000 I was 17. You know what's way more racist is the fucking signs. 1.00

01:44:48.000 I'm so glad I opened up. 0.99

01:44:50.000 I didn't get it. 0.99

01:44:50.000 The signs you get when you're in fucking San Diego. 0.99

01:44:53.000 Oh, yeah, the family running across the highway. 0.99

01:44:56.000 It's the dad and the mom and the little girl.

01:44:59.000 They're not married, by the way.

01:45:00.000 It's not even the dad.

01:45:02.000 It's the mom.

01:45:03.000 But it's funny that the little kid isn't even running.

01:45:05.000 The kid is, like, flying.

01:45:07.000 They're running, and the mom's holding the kid's hand.

01:45:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:10.000 And the kid is, like, flying.

01:45:11.000 Yeah.

01:45:11.000 Because they're running so fast.

01:45:12.000 Well, you're supposed to slow down.

01:45:14.000 Watch out for people seeking a better life.

01:45:17.000 Yeah.

01:45:18.000 Be careful.

01:45:19.000 They're dangerous.

01:45:19.000 People seeking a better life.

01:45:21.000 That's a fucking weird thing, isn't it? 0.98

01:45:24.000 I mean, you're right next to it. 0.97

01:45:25.000 You're about as close as humanly possible.

01:45:27.000 Yeah.

01:45:28.000 That's the only place I've ever seen in the world.

01:45:29.000 Watch out for people running across the highway.

01:45:32.000 You're a couple miles away from...

01:45:34.000 Where's Bingo?

01:45:35.000 What's the name of the sign everyone has, like every third house, like a political sign where I live on the border?

01:45:43.000 Humanitarian aid is never a crime.

01:45:45.000 Because, yeah, people that are fucking decent at the border where I live, and they'll leave water out for people that have trekked across the desert and leave jugs of water.

01:45:55.000 No, that's very cool. 0.93

01:45:57.000 And, yeah, you can get arrested for that.

01:45:59.000 What?

01:46:00.000 Somehow.

01:46:01.000 You can get arrested for leaving water?

01:46:03.000 I don't know how it works.

01:46:05.000 What?

01:46:06.000 Or aiding them without turning them in or however it works.

01:46:10.000 They pass the crystal meth houses to kick in the house.

01:46:14.000 The door of the house that gave water to somebody.

01:46:16.000 They don't do that where I live.

01:46:18.000 I think if you made it that far. 0.93

01:46:19.000 That northern Mexico desert is so fucking just desolate and massive. 0.62

01:46:24.000 If you made it that far to the border, you should get like a prize. 0.98

01:46:27.000 It shouldn't be a contest, man.

01:46:28.000 It should be like a car waiting for you. 0.99

01:46:29.000 The idea is ridiculous. 0.99

01:46:30.000 The idea that we're going to keep these people from coming over where there's jobs just because they were fucking shit out of luck. 1.00

01:46:37.000 Here's how you attack the militiaman guy. 0.99

01:46:41.000 Because they're all family people and Jesus. 0.99

01:46:45.000 Hey, if your kids were fucking shitty, would you not try to make their life better by doing that? 0.99

01:46:52.000 As a father, anytime you go after their kids and put it on their kids, they have to wait. 1.00

01:47:00.000 Would you not try to make your child's life better by getting to a better place?

01:47:04.000 If we really believe in humans, just the concept of human beings, you really believe that humans are just a born bundle of potential.

01:47:13.000 If you're not a total, complete racist, where you think that your race is superior or you're superior because of Whatever shape you are or color you are, if you're not that, then the idea of borders and keeping people that are poor out of places where they don't have to be poor anymore because there's jobs,

01:47:32.000 it's ridiculous. 0.96

01:47:33.000 It's funny how people talk about all these immigrants flooding over the border. 0.92

01:47:37.000 I've been down to visit you a couple times.

01:47:40.000 And I was driving to El Paso from your place once, and there's that one small road that goes from Bisbee straight to El Paso, and it's right along the border.

01:47:48.000 And there's, like, army troops out there with camouflage.

01:47:51.000 There's no people.

01:47:53.000 There's no towns.

01:47:54.000 And then they got ATV vehicles, ATC vehicles, and then the Border Patrol guys.

01:47:58.000 This guy pulled me over.

01:48:00.000 I'm a white guy driving a car.

01:48:01.000 And he goes, I saw you were driving away from California. 1.00

01:48:05.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:48:06.000 I've come to visit you with Florida plates. 1.00

01:48:08.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:48:09.000 It's completely ridiculous. 1.00

01:48:11.000 First of all, it's probably drug-related, which has nothing to do with immigration. 0.96

01:48:16.000 But what you were throwing out, still almost every argument boils down to overpopulation.

01:48:25.000 Okay, well, these people... 1.00

01:48:27.000 Well, everyone will continue to fuck until they have some... 0.99

01:48:32.000 You know, that's a way to look at it. 0.98

01:48:34.000 But the real issue isn't right now that we don't have enough resources to deal with the people that are at hand.

01:48:39.000 The real issue is there's people that have no access to resources.

01:48:42.000 There's people that have their resources monopolized by gigantic corporations in the military-industrial complex. 0.89

01:48:48.000 And there's people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the fucking world. 0.78

01:48:53.000 It's more of a greed issue and a money issue and a domination issue than it even is a resource issue. 0.99

01:48:59.000 If you just took the amount of oil that's coming out of places where the people are incredibly poor and you just looked at that on the graph and said, how the fuck is this possible?

01:49:07.000 How is it possible that the place where these people were just born is just incredibly rich in natural resources, but a company that doesn't have anything to do with this area has somehow or another acquired the rights to suck it out of the ground, and the people that work in the factories are incredibly poor?

01:49:21.000 How is that possible?

01:49:22.000 That's nothing but cruelty.

01:49:24.000 It's nothing but people with a shit ton of money dominating people who don't have that opportunity.

01:49:29.000 It's nothing but a lack of humanity. 0.90

01:49:31.000 It's not about how many babies you have.

01:49:32.000 It's not about resources. 0.99

01:49:34.000 It's about cunts. 0.58

01:49:35.000 Yes, it is about resources because there's more people all the time and that's why we need more resources. 0.97

01:49:41.000 It is, but it's about what do they do with that money?

01:49:43.000 If they'd use that money to enrich these people, it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting, you get people into a nice city, they have plumbing, their amount of children they have drops.

01:49:55.000 That's one of the number one concerns about all the people that believe in overpopulation.

01:49:59.000 There's another school of thought amongst real scholars.

01:50:03.000 I'd say that overpopulation exists in rural areas, third world countries, a lot of different places, India, China, what have you.

01:50:10.000 But when places become stabilized and people start having careers and lives, the number of children they have actually drops.

01:50:17.000 It drops to like every couple will have like one and a half kids or something like that, you know, per statistic. 0.91

01:50:22.000 So it's not that these people are, everyone's fucking too much. 0.73

01:50:26.000 But the numbers of people keep going up. 0.97

01:50:29.000 That's not good, but you know what?

01:50:31.000 Right now it's totally sustainable.

01:50:32.000 There's your proven statistics and then there's actual math of how many people keep appearing.

01:50:38.000 It is, but it's not.

01:50:39.000 Because look, humans...

01:50:41.000 I'm with you and I agree with you.

01:50:44.000 There's more people.

01:50:44.000 I agree with you to a certain extent.

01:50:45.000 If we want to go outside and count them to win a bet.

01:50:48.000 No, there's plenty of people.

01:50:49.000 There's more people than ever.

01:50:50.000 No, but I'm saying there's always more.

01:50:51.000 There is always more, but right now it's totally sustainable.

01:50:54.000 And what I'm saying is that in industrial situations, the numbers actually drop.

01:50:58.000 So just because there's a lot of people today, and there's 7 billion people, and next year there might be 7.1.

01:51:04.000 So poverty is thriving.

01:51:06.000 It is currently.

01:51:08.000 But it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way.

01:51:10.000 Once industrialization, this is just science when it comes to population control.

01:51:15.000 When you industrialize an area, the people have less children.

01:51:19.000 Because when the people start getting careers, they have less children.

01:51:22.000 So even though you might have an area that has a lot of people right now, if that area improves in the quality of their infrastructure, their economy, all these different variables, Obviously I don't have a dog in this fight.

01:51:35.000 But once they start doing that, the number of babies they have actually drops.

01:51:38.000 So it's a matter of...

01:51:40.000 In my opinion, it's definitely...

01:51:43.000 Moved into West Hollywood in 1995 in a rent control place.

01:51:47.000 Brian still lives there. 0.85

01:51:49.000 Parking is way fucking harder. 0.82

01:51:52.000 This is not an impoverished place in West Hollywood. 1.00

01:51:56.000 There's more fucking people. 0.99

01:51:57.000 Well, there's more people here, but there's less people in Cleveland. 1.00

01:52:00.000 There's less people in Detroit. 0.99

01:52:01.000 Detroit is fucking half empty now. 0.99

01:52:03.000 Detroit, you can buy a house for 500 bucks. 0.99

01:52:05.000 I mean, California's a great spot.

01:52:07.000 It never rains. 0.99

01:52:07.000 It's fucking 80 degrees in February. 0.99

01:52:10.000 Everybody moves here because they want to be famous like Kim Kardashian. 0.99

01:52:12.000 You got me there just because I'm drinking.

01:52:15.000 Look, it makes sense.

01:52:17.000 There's definitely more people.

01:52:18.000 Like, statistically, there's way more people.

01:52:20.000 And it is a problem.

01:52:21.000 But it's not the number one problem. 1.00

01:52:22.000 The number one problem is the country, the world, all the economies, all the fucking natural resources are controlled by cunts. 1.00

01:52:30.000 By evil cunts that have shit tons of money and weapons. 1.00

01:52:34.000 That's the number one problem. 1.00

01:52:35.000 This idea that our problem is overpopulation. 0.97

01:52:38.000 If we have less people, we're going to have fucking smooth sailing. 0.92

01:52:41.000 That's not real. 0.94

01:52:42.000 Because the people that I know are all people.

01:52:44.000 The people that I love are all people. 0.98

01:52:46.000 They started out being fucking babies, and then they became awesome. 0.96

01:52:49.000 I mean, that's all the people that I know had to start out somewhere as people. 0.99

01:52:53.000 If we want to believe that the human race can carry on and more Tom Rhodes and Doug Stanholms and more interesting people can exist that way, someone's got to make a fucking person.

01:53:02.000 It doesn't mean that we should all, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it. 0.87

01:53:06.000 There ain't anything wrong with doing it. 0.95

01:53:07.000 But that's not our number one fucking problem. 1.00

01:53:10.000 Our number one problem is, Cunts! 1.00

01:53:13.000 That a gigantic chunk of the population is controlled by cunts. 1.00

01:53:17.000 And where do cunts come from? 1.00

01:53:19.000 Cunts come from people. 0.99

01:53:20.000 Babies.

01:53:20.000 So do comedians.

01:53:22.000 So do strippers. 1.00

01:53:23.000 So do singers.

01:53:25.000 All your favorite movie stars. 1.00

01:53:27.000 They all came from a vagina. 1.00

01:53:29.000 But, you know, you're talking about lifting up societies like Nigeria. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Look how poor these people are.

01:53:33.000 You think these Shell executive oil people would get tired of getting kidnapped and their refineries getting taken hostage.

01:53:40.000 They have enough security to prevent most of it.

01:53:43.000 So they don't have to lift up the society.

01:53:45.000 Yeah, if you've got enough money, you plan ahead.

01:53:47.000 You can keep people at bay. 1.00

01:53:49.000 It's fucking Game of Thrones type shit. 1.00

01:53:51.000 It's pretty simple. 1.00

01:53:52.000 It's just more sophisticated.

01:53:54.000 Oh, here he goes, throwing his intellect in it.

01:53:56.000 You can keep up with Game of Thrones?

01:53:58.000 I got through half of the premiere episode. 0.93

01:54:00.000 I go, oh, this is too fucking convoluted for me. 0.81

01:54:05.000 Yeah. 0.89

01:54:06.000 It's complicated.

01:54:07.000 Look, I see both points.

01:54:11.000 I see your point.

01:54:13.000 I see...

01:54:13.000 Look, life is, no matter what, it's pointless.

01:54:16.000 I mean, you live and you die.

01:54:17.000 For you, for any individual, it's a temporary ride.

01:54:20.000 But I think that to concentrate entirely on the futility of it all...

01:54:24.000 Why are you going to drop this on me now?

01:54:25.000 Have you seen... 1.00

01:54:26.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:54:29.000 Have you seen Pervert's Guide to Ideology? 1.00

01:54:31.000 No.

01:54:32.000 That guy is Zizek.

01:54:33.000 He's like Slovenia's premier philosopher.

01:54:37.000 He's big in England.

01:54:38.000 He's got this great movie.

01:54:40.000 This documentary is called The Pervert's Guide to Ideology.

01:54:43.000 And he breaks down with movies and how we're like just mass-fed these different ideologies.

01:54:48.000 And he starts with that movie They Live from 88 where the guy finds the sunglasses and puts it on. 0.99

01:54:53.000 Roddy Piper, bitch. 1.00

01:54:54.000 Yeah, and he sees the aliens. 1.00

01:54:55.000 He was on the podcast last night I did with him.

01:54:57.000 He's great.

01:54:58.000 Yeah.

01:54:58.000 Roddy came around?

01:54:59.000 Yeah, he came around.

01:55:00.000 He does comedy shows with Steve Simone.

01:55:02.000 Yeah, he came up on stage.

01:55:03.000 We were doing a podcast, and this guy just starts walking towards us, and he starts walking on stage, and I was like, three seconds, I was about to go, hey, sir, you can't just...

01:55:10.000 But then right when I did it, Tony Hinchcliffe goes, Roddy, Roddy Piper, everyone!

01:55:14.000 I'm like, what the...

01:55:16.000 So you didn't know he was coming up there?

01:55:18.000 We had no idea.

01:55:19.000 He just walked on stage in the middle of the podcast and killed Tony.

01:55:22.000 That's hilarious.

01:55:23.000 Have you ever seen the video he did with Ari when he came on stage with him and body slammed him?

01:55:27.000 Yeah, I was there.

01:55:28.000 I was there.

01:55:28.000 That was weird.

01:55:31.000 Ari Shafir got body slammed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. 1.00

01:55:35.000 Yeah, that was awesome.

01:55:36.000 That was awesome.

01:55:37.000 That was a Naughty Show, right?

01:55:38.000 Wasn't it?

01:55:39.000 Yeah.

01:55:40.000 Sam Tripoli.

01:55:41.000 Did I miss the end of Zizek? 0.95

01:55:42.000 I try to have my prostate timed with Tom Rhodes so I can start pissing when he talks about Zizek and get back right at the end of the beat.

01:55:51.000 He's done. 0.66

01:55:51.000 He said it all. 0.66

01:55:52.000 It was a Zizek soliloquy. 0.91

01:55:56.000 That's tough to say.

01:55:57.000 That's Dana D'Armond announcing it, and here's it, Roddy Piper. 0.99

01:56:00.000 Fucking Dana D'Armond? 1.00

01:56:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:03.000 I remember her from the MySpace days, and it was Dana D'Armond photography.

01:56:09.000 So I thought the thumbnail was some dude named Dana that put hot chicks up so you'd follow him.

01:56:17.000 And it wasn't until recently...

01:56:19.000 Where I found out, and I saw she follows you, and I'm like, oh, that's really a hot chick. 0.99

01:56:25.000 I thought it was a dude using a hot chick he took a picture of to try to get me to follow him.

01:56:29.000 No, she's a very nice person and happens to be a hardcore porn star. 1.00

01:56:33.000 But she's a very nice person.

01:56:34.000 She's very cool.

01:56:35.000 We did a podcast.

01:56:36.000 We did a couple podcasts with her at the Ice House, but we did one with her at Brian's place.

01:56:40.000 Tabitha Stevens seems really cool on Twitter.

01:56:44.000 She's cool.

01:56:45.000 To the point where I'm like...

01:56:47.000 You know, I don't want you to do this.

01:56:49.000 I follow you.

01:56:49.000 You don't have to send me a dirty picture every day.

01:56:52.000 I think she enjoys it, though.

01:56:54.000 She's really cool, but she enjoys it.

01:56:55.000 But you don't have to do that to me, you want to say.

01:56:58.000 I understand.

01:56:59.000 I understand.

01:56:59.000 But you've got to let a ho be a ho.

01:57:01.000 It's like from the Ghetto Boys.

01:57:04.000 I think that when they decoded the hieroglyphics on the pyramids, that's what it said.

01:57:08.000 Yeah, it says that.

01:57:09.000 It's cryptic.

01:57:11.000 You've got to use the Rosetta Stone to get it correctly.

01:57:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:16.000 What the fuck are you watching? 1.00

01:57:17.000 That's Rowdy Roddy Piper banging Ari Shafir's head off the piano. 1.00

01:57:22.000 Now he's some sort of sex thing going on. 0.88

01:57:25.000 You know he's passed at the Comedy Store?

01:57:26.000 Rowdy Roddy is?

01:57:28.000 That's where the Comedy Store is today.

01:57:30.000 Oh my god, he beat him with a belt.

01:57:32.000 That's when Ari's like, okay, I gotta get out of here. 1.00

01:57:34.000 Wow, he really beat them.

01:57:35.000 But hey, they used to really, for real, beat the fuck out of each other in those old days of wrestling. 0.92

01:57:39.000 Those guys used to cut each other.

01:57:41.000 In the Ari Shafir, Rowdy, Rowdy Piper wars?

01:57:45.000 No, the real Rowdy, Rowdy Piper wrestling matches, Doug.

01:57:48.000 That's what we're talking about.

01:57:49.000 That they used to beat the fuck out of each other. 0.97

01:57:50.000 I was out pissed. 0.96

01:57:51.000 He didn't even pay attention.

01:57:52.000 We were just showing the video of Rowdy Roddy Piper beating Ari Shaffir with a belt.

01:57:57.000 Am I the guy off the mark right now?

01:57:58.000 Yeah, you're a little off the mark. 0.99

01:58:00.000 Rowdy Roddy Piper was just beating Ari with a belt in this video, and we were saying that they, that's for him, that's what the fuck they did. 0.99

01:58:06.000 They used to hit each other with chairs and shit. 1.00

01:58:07.000 They really hit each other. 1.00

01:58:08.000 He's like, you can get hit with a chair, and you can be all right.

01:58:11.000 That's what your job entails.

01:58:12.000 Like, I know you don't want to clean toilets, but somebody's got to do it.

01:58:15.000 That's their job.

01:58:16.000 I always assumed The Wrestler was kind of authentic.

01:58:19.000 The movie.

01:58:19.000 Yeah, it's fairly authentic.

01:58:21.000 I'm going to do this to you.

01:58:22.000 Are you cool with that?

01:58:23.000 Yeah.

01:58:24.000 There was a great Louis Theroux documentary where he went around to all these low-level pro wrestlers.

01:58:30.000 Every time he's on our level, Tom, we go, hey, we can talk wrestling. 0.99

01:58:34.000 That's dumb. 0.93

01:58:35.000 He goes, well, Louis Theroux once said, what? 1.00

01:58:38.000 Yeah, you fucking sidestepped my zizik on Golden Pond. 0.99

01:58:42.000 Now we're on Theroux. 0.99

01:58:44.000 Louis Theroux.

01:58:46.000 He goes to these local North Carolina wrestling matches where these amateur guys, they're not making any money, and they're cutting themselves with razor blades to make themselves bleed. 0.99

01:58:54.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy. 0.98

01:58:55.000 One guy puts barbed wire all over himself, and they charge into each other with barbed wire, beat each other with barbed wire sticks and shit. 0.99

01:59:02.000 Like, for real, they're cut. 0.98

01:59:03.000 They're all bleeding. 0.99

01:59:04.000 The original jackass. 0.98

01:59:06.000 Well, they really used to hurt each other. 0.97

01:59:09.000 When they had theater with Jackass.

01:59:11.000 Those guys, there was a big coke scene and they used to hang around a lot of comedians in the 80s.

01:59:15.000 I remember hanging out with Jake the Snake.

01:59:17.000 Really?

01:59:17.000 And he had the largest bag of cocaine I've ever seen in my life.

01:59:20.000 Well, those guys are all medicated.

01:59:22.000 They're all constantly hurt.

01:59:24.000 You saw that documentary, Beyond the Mat?

01:59:26.000 No.

01:59:27.000 What is that?

01:59:28.000 It's about wrestlers.

01:59:30.000 It was fantastic.

01:59:31.000 About pro wrestlers?

01:59:32.000 Yeah, like five different guys.

01:59:35.000 They had the new guys starting out, and then intermediaries, and then Jake the Snake Roberts, who's now playing in Armory in Kearney, Nebraska.

01:59:46.000 Still.

01:59:47.000 Yeah, and they're gonna meet him up with his daughter that he never met, that he abandoned, but he used to...

01:59:54.000 What are you playing, Brian?

01:59:55.000 That's it.

01:59:55.000 He couldn't break away from the merch table, so he never met her.

01:59:58.000 What is this?

01:59:59.000 No, he starts smoking crack, and they get him, like, on a camera shot through his motel blinds.

02:00:05.000 Oh, I don't wanna see this.

02:00:05.000 Smoking crack.

02:00:06.000 I'm gonna get sad.

02:00:07.000 Right here.

02:00:08.000 Oh, just please, I'll get sad.

02:00:10.000 Stop playing this. 0.99

02:00:11.000 Fucking nonsense. 1.00

02:00:12.000 Joe gets sad a lot. 1.00

02:00:13.000 Look, I get sad when I watch people that are wrestlers.

02:00:16.000 That was from that.

02:00:17.000 That was the guy that died. 1.00

02:00:18.000 I watched the documentary, but fuck. 1.00

02:00:21.000 It was wicked good. 0.99

02:00:22.000 It made me want to do a documentary about all the 80s comedians who thought they had it made because all of a sudden it's like the oil boom now in North Dakota where everyone's making $5,000 a week with book jokes.

02:00:37.000 Two Jews walking to a bar.

02:00:39.000 Thank you, $5,000, Kansas City. 0.99

02:00:42.000 And where they became, Vic Dunlop fucking lost a leg and then he's dead, but for a minute he was fucking huge. 0.97

02:00:51.000 Not even huge, he was just rich. 0.99

02:00:53.000 He died, didn't he?

02:00:54.000 Yeah, yeah, he did.

02:00:55.000 All you had to do was get an evening of the improv.

02:00:57.000 If you had a Caroline's Comedy Hour and an evening with the improv, you were good. 0.99

02:01:01.000 And if you had an MTV half hour comedy hour and a Caroline's comedy hour and an evening at the improv, holy shit. 0.99

02:01:08.000 You were in one of those USA... Remember those USA comedy guides?

02:01:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:01:14.000 Before the internet, they'd have this industry guide.

02:01:17.000 It was the who's who of comedy.

02:01:18.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:01:19.000 Remember Skippy?

02:01:19.000 Like Showtime put that out or something.

02:01:20.000 Skippy had a two-page spread.

02:01:24.000 Skippy from the Facts of Life.

02:01:25.000 Oh, Mark Price.

02:01:25.000 Is that what it's from?

02:01:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:01:27.000 What was the fucking show? 1.00

02:01:29.000 Yeah, Mark Price. 1.00

02:01:30.000 Skippy.

02:01:30.000 What was the show?

02:01:31.000 Family Ties.

02:01:32.000 Family Ties.

02:01:35.000 Justine Bateman once emailed me and I was starstruck.

02:01:38.000 She goes, I think you're brilliant.

02:01:40.000 I go, are you the Justine Bateman that I know from TV? And this is not a long time ago.

02:01:46.000 Did you jerk off while you were... 0.98

02:01:48.000 No, it was like six years ago. 0.97

02:01:51.000 I probably told this story on the internet.

02:01:53.000 Who didn't love Mallory?

02:01:54.000 She was incredible.

02:01:55.000 That's pretty interesting.

02:01:56.000 So she decided that she was going to reach out to you.

02:01:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:02:01.000 Did you tell all your friends?

02:02:02.000 This story takes about three minutes.

02:02:04.000 Do you have the time for it?

02:02:06.000 She came to a show.

02:02:08.000 Garrett Morris opened a comedy club, the downtown comedy club.

02:02:13.000 Garrett Morris from Santa Ana?

02:02:15.000 Yeah.

02:02:15.000 And it was in a sushi place in a hotel.

02:02:19.000 So we played it, and Justine Bateman showed up after that email. 0.97

02:02:24.000 And I'm all excited.

02:02:26.000 I'm doing two shows.

02:02:29.000 Anyway, whatever it is, We get done the show.

02:02:33.000 She's been there.

02:02:34.000 Lynn Shawcroft, you know, Hedberg's wife, and bingo, they've been drinking a lot.

02:02:40.000 So I go to the downstairs bar after the show to meet them and some producer friend Hollywood types. 0.92

02:02:47.000 And I'm all like, hey, I'm nervous because I'm fucking starstruck by Justine Bateman at way too late of an age to be starstruck by Justine Bateman. 0.98

02:02:58.000 Good time to take a piss, Tom Rhodes. 1.00

02:02:59.000 How dare you, Tom Rhodes, you selfish son of a bitch. 1.00

02:03:02.000 So they're fucked up. 1.00

02:03:03.000 Bingo and Shawcroft are so fucked up and they're, like, spilling the tables and everyone's trying to be polite and ignore the fucking elephants in the room. 1.00

02:03:12.000 They have a pizza on one of those trays that's being heated from the bottom and Shawcroft knocks the pizza. 1.00

02:03:19.000 Shawcroft, her excuse is that she's on a, uh, what's the diet where you can't have carbs? 1.00

02:03:27.000 Oh, Atkins?

02:03:28.000 Atkins.

02:03:28.000 She's doing the Atkins.

02:03:29.000 So she's drinking vodka instead of drinking beer. 0.94

02:03:32.000 But she's drinking vodka at the same rate you would drink beer. 1.00

02:03:35.000 So she's so fucked up so quickly. 1.00

02:03:39.000 And she's knocking shit over. 1.00

02:03:41.000 You don't know what love is! 0.99

02:03:43.000 And I'm like...

02:03:45.000 And I'm distancing myself from my own girlfriend and my friend.

02:03:49.000 At one point she knocks their pizza on the ground and gets down on all fours going, I don't care, I'll eat it. 0.99

02:03:57.000 And she's eating pizza off of Justine Bateman's feet and I'm just trying to make a smiley face. 0.99

02:04:04.000 And Justine was fucking great and she knew how to bust balls and she's making fun with it and being kind of cruel like a comic would... 1.00

02:04:13.000 Skip to the next morning. 1.00

02:04:16.000 Shawcroft wakes up from her blackout going, oh my god, did I make an asshole out of myself in front of that Justine Bateman? 1.00

02:04:24.000 And I go, you were fucking crawling on all fours like a pig eating pizza off her feet. 1.00

02:04:31.000 And without any irony or sarcasm, Shawcroft goes, oh my god, I ate pizza? 1.00

02:04:39.000 I'm not supposed to have carbs?

02:04:41.000 LAUGHTER Dude, why are you not telling that on stage?

02:04:47.000 Because it's not my story.

02:04:49.000 It's abandoned.

02:04:50.000 I probably told it a million times on a bunch of podcasts.

02:04:54.000 We'll delete it off the internet.

02:04:55.000 And please tell it on stage. 0.99

02:04:57.000 That's a great goddamn story. 1.00

02:04:59.000 She is so fucking funny. 1.00

02:05:01.000 Oh my god, I'm not supposed to eat carbs? 0.99

02:05:04.000 So she's gluten free?

02:05:05.000 Is that what it is?

02:05:06.000 Yeah, this is like six years ago.

02:05:09.000 I don't know. 0.96

02:05:11.000 That's fucking hilarious. 0.99

02:05:13.000 Well, good on Justine Bateman. 0.99

02:05:14.000 Good for her.

02:05:15.000 What show was she on?

02:05:16.000 Family Ties.

02:05:17.000 Family Ties.

02:05:18.000 Michael J. Fox?

02:05:19.000 Yep.

02:05:19.000 Takes place in Ohio.

02:05:20.000 He's back, bitches. 1.00

02:05:22.000 I don't know if you know. 0.99

02:05:23.000 What? 0.96

02:05:23.000 Tom Segura's got a fucking 20-minute bit about the Family Ties, the new Michael J. Fox show. 0.96

02:05:29.000 God, it's horrible.

02:05:30.000 It's brutal.

02:05:31.000 It's a brutal bit.

02:05:32.000 It's so mean. 0.99

02:05:33.000 It's so fucking mean. 1.00

02:05:35.000 You're fucking ragging on the guy with Parkinson's. 0.99

02:05:37.000 Again, I've done four podcasts in 24 hours, basically. 1.00

02:05:43.000 Or 36. Well...

02:05:46.000 My point is, I hate to repeat myself, but Bert Kreischer is talking about. 0.99

02:05:50.000 Tom Segura has been on my list of shit to do to watch. 0.92

02:05:54.000 Because I've heard about him so much from you, your podcast and tweets and stuff. 0.99

02:05:59.000 And Kreischer said, fuck yeah, you gotta see him. 0.90

02:06:02.000 I still have not pulled up YouTube or anything of it. 0.99

02:06:06.000 He's really good, man.

02:06:07.000 He's really good.

02:06:08.000 I met him when I did the Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy.

02:06:12.000 Me and Hefron and Charlie Murphy.

02:06:14.000 You know Segura?

02:06:15.000 Oh, he's hilarious.

02:06:16.000 I love him.

02:06:16.000 He's really good.

02:06:17.000 Every place we went, they had a new guy open for us.

02:06:19.000 You know, like a local guy or a guy that won like a local contest.

02:06:23.000 And he went up in Phoenix.

02:06:25.000 We did the Hollywood Theater, the same theater where Louis did his last special. 0.99

02:06:29.000 And Segura went up and I was like, holy shit, this guy's good. 0.64

02:06:32.000 He was like, out of all the guys, we had 22 shows. 0.93

02:06:35.000 So 22 different guys opened for us.

02:06:37.000 But he was the only one that really stood out.

02:06:39.000 He's a beast.

02:06:40.000 He's legit.

02:06:40.000 His podcast is fun too.

02:06:41.000 Yeah, he's just a fun guy.

02:06:43.000 He's just a good guy.

02:06:43.000 He's like Kreischer.

02:06:45.000 His wife is fucking hilarious, too. 1.00

02:06:47.000 You ever seen Christina Pazitsky? 0.99

02:06:49.000 No.

02:06:50.000 I don't know anyone.

02:06:51.000 I've seen no one ever.

02:06:53.000 She went up...

02:06:54.000 Sam Tripoli had this naughty show, and he had all these people on the show.

02:06:58.000 I mean, it's all chaos.

02:06:59.000 It's like...

02:07:00.000 There's Tom.

02:07:01.000 It's like naked people and people getting beaten by belts and all this chaos, and this woman was beating this guy with a belt, and I was thinking, oh my god, I can't believe she's got to follow this. 0.98

02:07:13.000 Like, how is she going to fucking follow this? 0.95

02:07:15.000 It was the first night I met her. 0.99

02:07:16.000 She's like real friendly, and I was like, poor Tom's wife.

02:07:20.000 Poor Tom's wife going to go up and try to follow a guy getting beaten by a belt. 1.00

02:07:23.000 She goes up and slays. 1.00

02:07:24.000 And I was like, holy shit, she's really good. 1.00

02:07:27.000 She's really funny. 0.99

02:07:28.000 It's like, finally, a husband and wife team where they're both really funny. 0.98

02:07:33.000 Which usually, like, the wife's really funny, but the husband's some bitch that just follows her around and tells her how awesome she is. 1.00

02:07:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:07:39.000 Or writes the jokes but can't do it himself.

02:07:41.000 It's one of the other.

02:07:42.000 One of the other.

02:07:43.000 It's either the husband's awesome or the wife's awesome or something. 0.79

02:07:46.000 What are you doing?

02:07:47.000 That's why their podcast is funny. 1.00

02:07:49.000 What's she doing with the fucking crocodile? 1.00

02:07:50.000 I love her when she was on Road Rules. 1.00

02:07:52.000 She was on Road Rules?

02:07:53.000 Yeah.

02:07:54.000 That's hilarious.

02:07:55.000 But she's a really good comic. 0.98

02:07:56.000 Bottom line.

02:07:57.000 She's a really good comic. 0.99

02:07:58.000 Funny.

02:07:59.000 Just a legit, legit comedian.

02:08:01.000 Has nothing to do with gender or the fact that she's... 1.00

02:08:05.000 Married to a legit comedian.

02:08:07.000 It's a rare instance where two legit comedians are hooked up.

02:08:10.000 Yeah, I can't...

02:08:11.000 Can't come up with another one.

02:08:12.000 No.

02:08:13.000 I can't come up...

02:08:13.000 Well, I love it, though.

02:08:15.000 Because I love that...

02:08:16.000 You can never say it doesn't work.

02:08:18.000 You know?

02:08:18.000 People always say, oh, I don't ever date a comic.

02:08:21.000 That fucking never works. 0.99

02:08:22.000 You can't say that. 0.99

02:08:23.000 It doesn't...

02:08:23.000 Most of the time, it doesn't work.

02:08:25.000 But it doesn't mean it can't work.

02:08:27.000 It can totally work.

02:08:28.000 Like, Tom and Christina, it actually works.

02:08:30.000 They're both really funny.

02:08:31.000 It's a perfect example of...

02:08:33.000 Come on, in history there had to be at least an instance of where two funny people that were already legitimately married... 0.93

02:08:39.000 Were George Barnes and Gracie Allen, were they married?

02:08:41.000 Captain and Tennille.

02:08:43.000 No?

02:08:44.000 Jim Carrey married Jenny McCarthy, who was hot enough for you to think was funny.

02:08:50.000 Bo and Luke Duke.

02:08:53.000 Tim Conway.

02:08:55.000 There's none. 0.99

02:08:56.000 There's fucking Tom and Christina. 0.99

02:08:57.000 That's it. 1.00

02:08:58.000 Never existed. 0.90

02:08:59.000 That's why we need gay marriage. 1.00

02:09:00.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:09:01.000 If two really funny guys...

02:09:03.000 The only way you can find two funny women in a room... 1.00

02:09:05.000 Well, what about if Richard Pryor and George Carlin married each other?

02:09:08.000 The greatest gay couple, the greatest married couple of all time.

02:09:12.000 Yeah.

02:09:13.000 Gay marriage.

02:09:14.000 If they were both gay, and they went into comedy... 0.90

02:09:18.000 I back gay marriage, but you're talking interracial, and I'm out. 1.00

02:09:23.000 My favorite thing you've ever done outside of your comedy is that fucking Bisbee town hall thing that you did, where you went up there and... 1.00

02:09:30.000 Oh, you didn't see the one where I ate shit the next time. 0.99

02:09:33.000 There's another one? 1.00

02:09:34.000 How did you eat shit? 1.00

02:09:35.000 I went up. 1.00

02:09:36.000 It was the most brutal.

02:09:39.000 Every comic has had the dream where you go on stage and you can't talk and you don't know what you're saying in the audiences.

02:09:48.000 That happened to me in real life.

02:09:50.000 After I did the one...

02:09:51.000 I spouted off at one city hall about...

02:09:56.000 Why are you having prayer at a city council?

02:10:00.000 And that was quick.

02:10:01.000 And the next time I went, when they were actually voting on the referendum for civil unions, and I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak, and I just... 1.00

02:10:13.000 Like, you watch the opening acts, and you go, I can riff off of this.

02:10:16.000 And I developed this bit in my head that was not ready, and I went up to speak, and instead of hearing the, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your headliner, and applause, I realize there's dead silence.

02:10:29.000 And I'm walking through water, and I went up to speak, and I lost my breath.

02:10:36.000 I started to talk, and I see the mayor looking at me like, why are you up here?

02:10:40.000 What are you doing?

02:10:41.000 The mayor of Bisbee?

02:10:42.000 Yeah.

02:10:42.000 How many people are in Bisbee?

02:10:43.000 5,000, 5,500.

02:10:45.000 Don't make me move there.

02:10:47.000 I'll become the mayor.

02:10:48.000 I just, everything, everything that I had thought about listening to a bunch of speakers.

02:10:55.000 Is that me live?

02:10:57.000 Is that the video?

02:10:58.000 Yeah.

02:10:58.000 Is this the exact thing?

02:11:00.000 Is this it?

02:11:01.000 Obviously, we have enough people in the room to fight on my behalf.

02:11:05.000 I don't have to be here.

02:11:07.000 There was rumors of buses of churches that were going to show up and filibuster this, so we felt we had to sit down.

02:11:14.000 Is this it?

02:11:14.000 No, no, this is not the breakdown.

02:11:16.000 There was the next city council meeting.

02:11:19.000 I saw this one.

02:11:20.000 I fell apart where I... I'm talking to a cop with a dead hooker in my trunk, and then all the eyes are getting worse, and then I start flop sweating, and I'm going, 1.00

02:11:36.000 this is why I'm going to default lines.

02:11:38.000 This is why I normally drink when I... And Rosa Parks! 0.99

02:11:44.000 And I had to leave in shame knowing that the fucking mayor and one of the councilmen and the rest of my friends have seen this and they're coming to my house. 0.99

02:11:54.000 And I'm like, I have to leave Bisbee. 0.99

02:11:56.000 Why are they coming to your house?

02:11:57.000 Because we party over there.

02:11:59.000 You party with the mayor? 1.00

02:11:59.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:12:00.000 Yeah, the mayor's cool. 1.00

02:12:01.000 I met her.

02:12:02.000 I've been at your house.

02:12:02.000 Why would you panic then if you party with the mayor?

02:12:04.000 I just went into a fucking panic. 0.97

02:12:06.000 Like, I had all this stuff that I know in my head is a comedy bit that I could do, but going up to... 0.97

02:12:14.000 This wasn't done yet.

02:12:14.000 No, going up to a bunch of people that are angry and don't want to see me and don't know...

02:12:19.000 You've got to always bring at least a little bit of your own audience.

02:12:23.000 But I did.

02:12:23.000 I had my friends there, which made it worse.

02:12:25.000 I have no idea. 0.99

02:12:27.000 It was the dream that you have where you don't know what the fuck you're doing on stage, and you wake up going, oh, fucking thank God that was just a dream. 0.99

02:12:36.000 But it was real, and it was really, to this day, I see people that were at that city council meeting, and I go, I should kill myself. 1.00

02:12:46.000 You hang your head in shame. 1.00

02:12:47.000 It was fucking... 1.00

02:12:48.000 How long ago was this? 0.99

02:12:50.000 Last year.

02:12:51.000 Dude.

02:12:52.000 We need to change this.

02:12:53.000 You gotta move to a new town.

02:12:54.000 We need to move this...

02:12:55.000 No. 0.99

02:12:56.000 We need to fucking clean out the town. 1.00

02:12:58.000 Everybody who's seen that, we need to kill them. 1.00

02:12:59.000 That's all it is. 1.00

02:13:00.000 That's what I thought.

02:13:01.000 Yeah.

02:13:01.000 I actually said that on stage.

02:13:03.000 No, last week I went up and...

02:13:06.000 City Council.

02:13:07.000 You redeem yourself?

02:13:08.000 No, I didn't redeem us.

02:13:09.000 I didn't kill, but I went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party.

02:13:13.000 I want to talk about noise complaints.

02:13:15.000 At a city council meeting, you went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party?

02:13:18.000 No, I said, hey, listen, I want to talk about noise complaints.

02:13:22.000 You know what?

02:13:22.000 There's neighbors that make noise complaints, and you're going to make a lot on May 25th.

02:13:27.000 We're having a party.

02:13:28.000 Out of respect for a whiskey girl in a nowhere man who died tragically between 6 and 10 p.m.

02:13:35.000 You know what?

02:13:35.000 Don't call the cops.

02:13:36.000 Just show up.

02:13:38.000 Bring some food.

02:13:40.000 Dude, you're running that town.

02:13:41.000 Why don't you run for mayor?

02:13:44.000 Do you think you would win?

02:13:45.000 I could win.

02:13:48.000 I could help you.

02:13:49.000 But you'd have to show up and it pays $386 a month.

02:13:54.000 I don't even want any money.

02:13:55.000 And all the people that don't know you will hate you in a safe way.

02:14:00.000 No, no, we'll get rid of them.

02:14:02.000 Don't move.

02:14:03.000 No.

02:14:04.000 How much do you think their houses are worth?

02:14:06.000 Here's the reality. 0.99

02:14:07.000 If they really had their shit together, would they be living in Bisbee? 1.00

02:14:11.000 Most likely, no. 0.98

02:14:13.000 But you can just launch people in there, move people to town Doug Stanhope.

02:14:21.000 They start buying up all these houses of these malcontents who are upset that you're the new mayor. 1.00

02:14:26.000 When you're on the road, you do your show.

02:14:30.000 Let's say there's 500 people at the show.

02:14:33.000 At the end of the night, the staff are your only friends. 0.99

02:14:37.000 You don't fuck with the staff. 0.99

02:14:39.000 I live with the staff. 0.99

02:14:40.000 I live with a small, tiny amount of people, and you're going to see them at Safeway every day.

02:14:45.000 And if you fuck up what they think is important, meaning city politics in Bisbee...

02:14:51.000 I don't want to see those... 0.96

02:14:52.000 It's the same reason you wouldn't work a cruise ship. 0.98

02:14:56.000 Because if you suck, you're going to have to see those same people at the buffet and the Lido deck and shuffleboard for another week. 0.98

02:15:04.000 I see your point. 1.00

02:15:05.000 I wouldn't work a cruise ship because I don't want to be on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean trapped with a bunch of people. 0.97

02:15:11.000 But I see your point. 0.99

02:15:12.000 Like, if you bomb...

02:15:13.000 Don't be mayor.

02:15:13.000 What I'm saying is...

02:15:14.000 It would be, fuck Hunter Thompson running for sheriff of Woody Creek. 1.00

02:15:19.000 If you fucking, if you ran for mayor of Bisbee and actually won, it might be the greatest victory that our generation has ever had. 1.00

02:15:28.000 We have a great mayor! 1.00

02:15:30.000 Listen, dude, the great mayor's great.

02:15:32.000 He'll work for you.

02:15:33.000 This is my thoughts.

02:15:35.000 You can take over Bisbee, and then from you taking over Bisbee, we just start moving people in.

02:15:41.000 Just start... 1.00

02:15:42.000 People will go, fuck this place, it's going to shit. 1.00

02:15:45.000 Stan Hope's doing coke. 1.00

02:15:46.000 They sell their house.

02:15:47.000 Cool people buy it.

02:15:48.000 I want to be near Stanhope. 1.00

02:15:49.000 Next thing you know, you got a fucking town filled with Doug Stanhope fans. 0.99

02:15:53.000 I tell you, whenever I visit you... 0.99

02:15:55.000 Do you know why I give out my address on your podcast?

02:15:59.000 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603. Let me repeat.

02:16:04.000 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603. Mail packages to us.

02:16:11.000 I can give that out because I can't get my own friends, namely Joe Rogan, to even visit me, much less get psychotics.

02:16:20.000 I'd be happy to visit you.

02:16:22.000 I'd be happy to visit you.

02:16:22.000 You would be.

02:16:23.000 I haven't done it, but I would be happy to visit you.

02:16:26.000 Well, you're going to buy the cave house. 1.00

02:16:27.000 I would like to buy that cave house, but then you fucked up. 1.00

02:16:30.000 Now everybody knows the fucking cave house is where I'm going to be living. 1.00

02:16:32.000 Everyone's known about the cave house. 0.99

02:16:34.000 It's been featured in magazines.

02:16:36.000 But if I buy the cave house, it's a different thing because you just said you're going to buy the cave house.

02:16:39.000 Time share it.

02:16:39.000 Airbnb.

02:16:41.000 You fucked me up. 1.00

02:16:42.000 You fucked up my cave house dreams right there by disclosure. 1.00

02:16:46.000 By involuntary disclosure, you fucked up my cave house dreams. 0.99

02:16:49.000 That house has been in so many magazines. 1.00

02:16:51.000 We just need guns and fences and shit. 1.00

02:16:54.000 We have guns. 1.00

02:16:54.000 Hire Mexicans. 1.00

02:16:56.000 I think that you could run that town, dude. 0.92

02:16:58.000 I think you're already running that town.

02:16:59.000 You already own any real estate.

02:17:01.000 Have you seen Windy City Heat?

02:17:03.000 Yeah.

02:17:05.000 Great show.

02:17:06.000 That's what we're looking at.

02:17:08.000 It's fine.

02:17:09.000 Is to not run for mayor, but run someone for mayor.

02:17:13.000 Okay, now I like how you're thinking.

02:17:15.000 Enough said.

02:17:16.000 Now I like how you're thinking.

02:17:17.000 Now I like what you're thinking.

02:17:19.000 We're thinking.

02:17:20.000 What we need to do is just, there's a lot of people that just really are not totally buying the whole future Bisbee experience.

02:17:26.000 We need to get them to start selling.

02:17:29.000 You know, it's like a reverse blockbusting. 0.99

02:17:31.000 Let him know.

02:17:32.000 Gentrify Bisbee.

02:17:33.000 I already have a guy that's made the logo.

02:17:36.000 It's the communist fist with a Rolex on it.

02:17:39.000 It says Gentrify Bisbee. 1.00

02:17:40.000 That's your version of the gonzo fucking two-thumbed holding the peyote button. 0.99

02:17:47.000 Yeah, gentrify Bisbee in communist lettering. 1.00

02:17:50.000 Dude, you make it very attractive.

02:17:52.000 Moving to the middle of nowhere next to the Mexican border.

02:17:54.000 There's some cool places there.

02:17:55.000 You couldn't do it.

02:17:56.000 It's a cool town.

02:17:56.000 I couldn't do it?

02:17:57.000 No, you have to have the fucking... 1.00

02:18:00.000 You need shit around you. 1.00

02:18:01.000 What do I need around you? 1.00

02:18:02.000 I'm good just laying in a hammock.

02:18:05.000 I don't actually have a hammock.

02:18:06.000 I lived in the mountains of Colorado for a while. 0.96

02:18:08.000 For about two months and fucking fled back here. 0.96

02:18:11.000 No, it was three months. 0.99

02:18:12.000 But my wife got pregnant.

02:18:14.000 You can't live up there if you're pregnant. 1.00

02:18:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:18:16.000 The point is...

02:18:17.000 But you can't.

02:18:18.000 You're like a tell.

02:18:19.000 You have to do a show before the giant show.

02:18:23.000 You have to have a big show before the giant show.

02:18:26.000 I understand it.

02:18:28.000 I'm not downing you.

02:18:29.000 What's that mean, the big show before the giant show? 0.99

02:18:31.000 Well, you go to do UFC and then you do a big theater show before you do the monstrous fucking UFC show. 0.96

02:18:37.000 And yeah, you thrive on that kind of attention. 0.98

02:18:41.000 I'm terrified by it.

02:18:43.000 When you brought me to UFC, I've never been more scared.

02:18:47.000 Even with you, like, just stay with me.

02:18:51.000 Rugen! 1.00

02:18:51.000 Get a picture! 1.00

02:18:53.000 Fuck you, Hollywood! 1.00

02:18:58.000 That's my UFC experience in a nutshell. 1.00

02:19:01.000 Fuck you, Hollywood, and me walking through a crowd. 0.99

02:19:03.000 Joe, you got me tickets to the Staples Center a couple years ago, and I had never been to UFC, and I absolutely loved it. 1.00

02:19:11.000 Just transformed.

02:19:12.000 Because I was a real boxing fan, purist, and I absolutely fell in love with it.

02:19:16.000 But the seats were, like, way up in the top of the arena, and some guy was sitting in my seat, and I mentioned a guy was in my seat.

02:19:24.000 I showed him the ticket, and I started talking to the guy.

02:19:26.000 He was in, like, the next seat over, and I was so high up, and I had mentioned that Joe Rogan had gotten me the tickets, and the guy turned to me and goes, I thought you were better friends.

02:19:34.000 Yeah.

02:19:35.000 Because they were so high up.

02:19:36.000 How high up were they?

02:19:37.000 They were pretty high up.

02:19:39.000 Did you get the tickets really last minute or something?

02:19:42.000 It must be.

02:19:42.000 Probably a couple days before.

02:19:43.000 Yeah, that's the problem.

02:19:44.000 It was probably sold out.

02:19:45.000 That's all I could get you.

02:19:47.000 See that little speck down there?

02:19:48.000 I know that guy.

02:19:50.000 Brian, how many times have you been on the floor?

02:19:52.000 Almost every time.

02:19:53.000 Yeah, he's always on the floor.

02:19:54.000 If you get in touch with me.

02:19:55.000 I have pretty good seats.

02:19:56.000 Yeah, stand-ups on the floor, too.

02:19:57.000 I would have had you on the floor. 0.99

02:19:58.000 You just can't holler at me two days before.

02:20:01.000 It's probably based on that racist bit you did. 1.00

02:20:05.000 Something about that fucking watermelon chick you need. 1.00

02:20:08.000 I should have kept that a secret. 1.00

02:20:10.000 Soldier that you have.

02:20:11.000 Was it Black Fighter headlining?

02:20:16.000 Yeah, dude, if you ever want to go, just ask me.

02:20:18.000 You don't have to drop hints on a podcast.

02:20:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:20:22.000 I'll get you better seats.

02:20:23.000 Bill Cosby. 1.00

02:20:25.000 Fuck, yeah, we're going to go. 1.00

02:20:26.000 We're going to go see Bill Cosby if you want to go. 1.00

02:20:28.000 Me and Edwards. 0.98

02:20:30.000 I'm telling you, I keep hearing he's really fucking funny. 0.80

02:20:32.000 I keep hearing from a bunch of people that he tells these long, really funny storytelling bits. 0.97

02:20:38.000 I heard it from Bill Burr.

02:20:40.000 I heard it from Ian Edwards heard it, Bill Cosby.

02:20:43.000 I heard it from Chris Rock. 1.00

02:20:44.000 I heard it from a bunch of fucking people that Cosby's fucking hilarious. 0.99

02:20:47.000 Yeah, I heard the same thing. 1.00

02:20:48.000 I keep hearing it, man.

02:20:50.000 I heard it from a dude, a random dude who doesn't even do comedy in Austin. 0.69

02:20:53.000 He goes, you know what really fucking surprised me?

02:20:55.000 He goes, my friends took me out to see Bill Cosby, and I was like, I don't want to go see Bill Cosby, man. 0.95

02:20:59.000 He's like 80 years old. 0.99

02:21:00.000 What the fuck am I going to get out of this? 0.99

02:21:01.000 He goes, dude, I was fucking crying last week. 0.99

02:21:04.000 He goes, for the first five minutes, you go, what am I getting into? 0.83

02:21:07.000 Because he doesn't have an opening act.

02:21:08.000 He just goes out there and he starts talking.

02:21:10.000 For the first five minutes, it takes a while to build up.

02:21:12.000 I'm like, what am I doing? 0.98

02:21:14.000 Oh my god, what am I fucking sitting through? 0.89

02:21:16.000 How long is this going to be? 1.00

02:21:18.000 He goes, then you start fucking... 0.99

02:21:19.000 He starts tying things together. 1.00

02:21:21.000 You start fucking laughing. 0.99

02:21:22.000 And then it goes deeper and deeper. 1.00

02:21:24.000 Apparently, he's been touring.

02:21:26.000 You go look at his schedule. 0.99

02:21:28.000 He's fucking touring a lot. 0.99

02:21:30.000 And you look at his schedule. 1.00

02:21:31.000 I saw him working out a lot of that shit at the Comedy Cellar. 0.99

02:21:35.000 Are you joking? 0.99

02:21:36.000 Yeah, I'm joking.

02:21:37.000 He doesn't work it out at all.

02:21:38.000 He does it on stage, but he's working every night. 0.99

02:21:41.000 I'm imagining Bill Cosby bumping someone at the Comedy Cellar at midnight to work out some new shit. 0.96

02:21:46.000 He's still doing two theater shows a night in some places. 0.98

02:21:49.000 I mean, he's doing a lot of shows.

02:21:51.000 He's got all those illegitimate kids to take care of. 1.00

02:21:55.000 He's also had a few lawsuits.

02:21:57.000 Date rape, something, something.

02:21:59.000 Whatever, whatever. 0.99

02:22:00.000 Would you like to see my foot and pop? 1.00

02:22:03.000 Between lengthy phone calls to black comics about how they're ruining the fucking... 1.00

02:22:07.000 Yes. 1.00

02:22:08.000 Listen, he's 100%.

02:22:10.000 He's flawed.

02:22:11.000 He's definitely flawed.

02:22:13.000 But my idea of it is not to connect him to the art form that I appreciate.

02:22:18.000 I appreciate guys like you, guys like you, Diaz... 1.00

02:22:21.000 I understand.

02:22:22.000 I don't like clean comedy. 0.99

02:22:24.000 I'm saying Donald Sterling needs the same fucking decency. 1.00

02:22:29.000 Hey, that's an old feeble fucking dude that America is up in arms about. 1.00

02:22:33.000 Rather than the justice system, which is really abusively racist. 1.00

02:22:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:22:39.000 Bill Cosby...

02:22:41.000 Donald Sterling, tour together.

02:22:44.000 Okay.

02:22:45.000 I see your point.

02:22:49.000 Can I switch headphones with Tom Rhodes so it looks like he said that?

02:22:54.000 I'm not in support of anything that Donald Sterling or Bill Cosby said, but I think that...

02:23:00.000 It's tough to ignore Cosby as a craftsman.

02:23:03.000 And Sterling's not that funny. 1.00

02:23:04.000 And I think Sterling's pretty funny when he's trying to bang a 20-year-old and he's fucking 81. I think it's funny that he pulls it off. 0.99

02:23:12.000 Everybody's like, oh my god, he bought her a Bentley and a Ferrari.

02:23:15.000 You have to buy him a Bentley and a Ferrari.

02:23:17.000 If you have a billion dollars, a Bentley and a Ferrari is like buying a chicken necklace. 1.00

02:23:21.000 You buy her something pretty and she sucks your dick. 1.00

02:23:24.000 And then if you're lucky, she'll do it again in six months. 1.00

02:23:26.000 But he shouldn't have missed the payment. 1.00

02:23:27.000 If you're a billionaire guy and you're banging some psycho side pussy, make sure they got the payment. 1.00

02:23:34.000 You know what happens is these guys get fucking greedy and they don't realize how much a billion dollars really is. 1.00

02:23:41.000 I've been that guy. 0.99

02:23:42.000 You can give a chick like that. 1.00

02:23:44.000 I've been that guy where you're so desperate for a chick not to leave you that's out of your league.

02:23:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:23:51.000 You start talking racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable. 1.00

02:23:54.000 I have said so much worse shit. 1.00

02:23:57.000 That's what he did. 1.00

02:23:58.000 He said some racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable, man. 0.99

02:24:04.000 You know, I mean, I think that's what happened. 1.00

02:24:06.000 I mean, that's what he said happened. 1.00

02:24:07.000 I think he's just an asshole. 1.00

02:24:08.000 Just an old asshole. 1.00

02:24:09.000 And he didn't know that he was being recorded. 1.00

02:24:11.000 She came on CNN like two days later and he goes, I'm his silly rabbit. 0.96

02:24:15.000 Did you see that? 0.98

02:24:16.000 No.

02:24:16.000 Like two days later, I'm his...

02:24:19.000 I'm his silly rabbit. 0.98

02:24:20.000 He has a view of race that might be inappropriate to someone. 1.00

02:24:24.000 A racist doesn't hire black general managers and coaches. 0.97

02:24:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:31.000 He's not a fucking Klansman. 0.99

02:24:33.000 There's real racism in the world. 1.00

02:24:35.000 Sports people are not your fucking... 0.99

02:24:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:24:40.000 Well, one thing it wasn't talked about, you know...

02:24:42.000 Pillars of morality.

02:24:43.000 Did he say it in his own house?

02:24:44.000 I mean, you should be able to say whatever you want in your own house, right?

02:24:47.000 Well, apparently he's got...

02:24:48.000 That's what's kind of Orwellian about it.

02:24:49.000 But they never said where it was recorded.

02:24:51.000 He never said, you know what? 0.99

02:24:52.000 Why would he bring the side pussy to his house? 1.00

02:24:54.000 I'm gonna fuck these niggers over. 1.00

02:24:55.000 You know what? 1.00

02:24:55.000 My team's gonna be all white. 1.00

02:24:58.000 I'm gonna...

02:24:58.000 Well, apparently, here's the deal.

02:25:00.000 He said, please... 1.00

02:25:00.000 He said, fuck... 1.00

02:25:02.000 Go ahead and fuck... 1.00

02:25:05.000 Black guys. 1.00

02:25:06.000 Michael, not Michael, Jordan.

02:25:08.000 Magic Johnson.

02:25:09.000 Magic Johnson.

02:25:10.000 Is that...

02:25:10.000 You know what?

02:25:11.000 Feed him. 1.00

02:25:12.000 Fuck him. 1.00

02:25:13.000 I don't care. 1.00

02:25:14.000 Just please don't put pictures on Instagram.

02:25:16.000 Yeah.

02:25:17.000 If that's racist...

02:25:19.000 Well, the idea is that it's racist because he's in this great position of power.

02:25:24.000 People keep contacting me. 1.00

02:25:26.000 Go in there fucking a black guy. 1.00

02:25:28.000 It's the culture. 1.00

02:25:29.000 They call him.

02:25:30.000 Did you, Donald, did you really buy that broad?

02:25:32.000 You bought her a Ferrari? 0.61

02:25:34.000 And look at her taking the pictures of Michael J. You know that magic. 0.99

02:25:39.000 Magic fucks everything he can. 0.97

02:25:41.000 You know that, right? 1.00

02:25:42.000 Magic is just constantly fucking this broad. 0.98

02:25:45.000 And you're buying her a Rolls Royce. 0.99

02:25:47.000 You don't want to get the AIDS, honey, because he has the AIDS and she's taking pictures. 0.84

02:25:52.000 You know what Magic bought her? 1.00

02:25:53.000 He bought her a dick sandwich. 1.00

02:25:55.000 That's what he bought her. 1.00

02:25:56.000 I have a black girlfriend, and I said, it's okay if you fuck another black guy, just don't put pictures on the internet so people fuck with me. 1.00

02:26:05.000 That's a racist now. 1.00

02:26:07.000 That is a racist, a guy with a black girlfriend that he's cheating on his wife with, saying, you can fuck other black guys, just don't put it on the internet. 1.00

02:26:15.000 That's racism. 1.00

02:26:17.000 Um, listen, he doesn't know any better.

02:26:19.000 These are quotes!

02:26:22.000 He doesn't know any better, Doug Stanhope. 1.00

02:26:24.000 He doesn't know any better than to not fuck a black girl if you're a racist. 1.00

02:26:28.000 If you're a racist, Donald, you get it wrong. 1.00

02:26:30.000 You don't fuck black girls, and you don't say it's okay to fuck other black guys as long as you don't put it on the internet. 1.00

02:26:37.000 Did you see that shit? 1.00

02:26:38.000 Last time we talked about it, we brought up the fact that maybe he had Alzheimer's or something like that. 1.00

02:26:43.000 Well, that's what they're trying to say now, that he has the early stages of dementia. 0.82

02:26:47.000 So he forgot that he's dating a black girl.

02:26:50.000 No, well, that's the whole reason why the whole recording was being done in the first place.

02:26:54.000 He can't remember the things he said.

02:26:56.000 So part of her job, she actually works for him, part of her job is that she's supposed to record his conversations.

02:27:02.000 So he can talk about things and she can bring it up, what he's already talked about.

02:27:06.000 So he knows what he said.

02:27:07.000 Apparently he's like going mental.

02:27:10.000 Right, and so she releases the tapes.

02:27:12.000 Sterling thinks...

02:27:14.000 That's what she said.

02:27:15.000 He said the opposite, evidently.

02:27:16.000 I read the transcript because I don't have cable at my Airbnb, but my girlfriend pissed her bed, so we're even...

02:27:22.000 It didn't hit the mattress.

02:27:26.000 It didn't.

02:27:28.000 I think it's a sad state. 1.00

02:27:30.000 It's a sad state when you want to fucking shit on an old man who's alone in his home and everybody's going off on him. 0.99

02:27:37.000 Everybody's going to say, oh, how could you stick up for him? 1.00

02:27:39.000 He's got all this money. 1.00

02:27:40.000 He's an old man that wanted to get some pussy. 1.00

02:27:42.000 It's a sad state when people are... 1.00

02:27:44.000 Being let off fucking death row only because of the Innocence Project clearing their name because they were black. 1.00

02:27:51.000 They were convicted of shit and spending 20 years in prison. 1.00

02:27:55.000 The justice system, fucking cops shooting black kids because they thought they had a gun. 1.00

02:28:01.000 And that's not blowing up in the news. 1.00

02:28:03.000 That's not trending on Twitter. 1.00

02:28:05.000 A fucking old feeble man going, fuck Michael Jordan or... 1.00

02:28:11.000 Magic Johnson. 1.00

02:28:12.000 No, I couldn't agree more.

02:28:13.000 I mean, obviously in perspective, but the idea is, of course, we're paying attention to this guy because he's a billionaire.

02:28:19.000 Because he owns a gigantic sports franchise. 1.00

02:28:21.000 And he also made a shit-fucked ton of money off of black people. 1.00

02:28:26.000 And apparently he's not happy about black people banging his side piece. 1.00

02:28:29.000 The whole thing is hilarious that it's so mild, the things that he said, whether it's racist or not, so mild in the context that he said it in the comfort of his own home. 0.87

02:28:39.000 There was no racial slurs.

02:28:41.000 There was nothing defamatory.

02:28:43.000 There's no, they're less than us.

02:28:44.000 They're not white.

02:28:45.000 They're not us.

02:28:46.000 I heard that he lent Jerry West the money to buy the Lakers.

02:28:50.000 So that guy single-handedly is responsible for basketball in Los Angeles. 1.00

02:28:54.000 Well, he's a fucking rich dude. 1.00

02:28:56.000 He's super successful, but he's a cunt. 1.00

02:28:58.000 He's been a cunt forever. 1.00

02:29:00.000 He's been racially discriminating against people that lived in his properties, but so have a million other people. 1.00

02:29:05.000 He was 60 when the internet came out.

02:29:08.000 I'm not sticking up for the guy.

02:29:09.000 He ain't a great guy.

02:29:11.000 I'm not.

02:29:12.000 I'm not.

02:29:12.000 He ain't a great guy.

02:29:13.000 He's not a perfect example of what an 80-year-old person who's learned from lifetime mistakes can be.

02:29:17.000 He's not. 1.00

02:29:18.000 He's an old billionaire who wanted to get his dick sucked by some crazy bitch, so he talked a lot of shit. 1.00

02:29:22.000 And we found out about it because it got out. 1.00

02:29:26.000 It was a private thing. 0.99

02:29:27.000 How many people out there have that grandfather-slash-uncle-slash-guy that you listen to him at Thanksgiving dinner say way worse shit with, like... 0.99

02:29:40.000 The epithets, saying nigger and spick and everything, and you all just go, do you want some more butternut squash, Uncle Harry? 0.99

02:29:49.000 Yeah, but the thing is, everything's going to be recorded.

02:29:52.000 There's just recording devices everywhere.

02:29:54.000 Well, it's an example of what we're learning.

02:29:56.000 It's very Orwellian.

02:29:58.000 We're going to have to just be constantly aware of what we're saying.

02:30:00.000 Stop, police! 0.91

02:30:01.000 Stop, police! 1.00

02:30:02.000 Get out of my fucking head! 1.00

02:30:03.000 All right, closer. 1.00

02:30:04.000 Drop the headphones and leave.

02:30:08.000 Well, you're voluntarily doing that by doing something like this, right?

02:30:11.000 For three hours, you're giving up your thoughts.

02:30:14.000 I think there's not going to be any secrets.

02:30:16.000 I think I'm going to go you one further.

02:30:19.000 There's not going to be any money.

02:30:20.000 Because money is information. 0.99

02:30:22.000 Money right now is just ones and zeros on a fucking website somewhere. 0.98

02:30:26.000 I mean, that's what Bitcoin's going to be. 0.98

02:30:28.000 That's what the money, essentially, that we have now.

02:30:31.000 It's not backed by gold.

02:30:32.000 That's what it is.

02:30:33.000 The end of secrecy, it's a bit I've never done enough hallucinogens to work out.

02:30:40.000 But the fact that you will never have a private thought.

02:30:45.000 Yeah, there's not going to be any private inner voice.

02:30:48.000 But you know what?

02:30:49.000 We want to think of it as like everything that we experience in our lifetime is like a static thing that has to stay like this.

02:30:55.000 But it never does.

02:30:57.000 It never has. 0.97

02:30:58.000 From the moment that some fucking weird little... 0.99

02:31:01.000 Sneaky little multi-celled thing crawled out of the ocean. 1.00

02:31:04.000 It's never been the same.

02:31:05.000 Everything keeps changing.

02:31:06.000 It's going to keep changing. 0.99

02:31:07.000 And what we're doing right now is we're figuring out new ways to not be able to hide shit. 0.99

02:31:13.000 Not be able to hide ideas. 1.00

02:31:16.000 Not be able to hide the very thoughts in your own fucking mind. 1.00

02:31:19.000 Not just what you say when you're trying to bang your side piece and she's recording you because your mind is mush. 1.00

02:31:24.000 No, that's the new coin term because of Donald Sterling.

02:31:28.000 It's No, that's been around forever. 0.96

02:31:31.000 It's called side bitch now. 1.00

02:31:32.000 No, that's only in your circle. 0.99

02:31:34.000 Jesus, why are you so rude?

02:31:35.000 He's a massaginist.

02:31:37.000 I know. 1.00

02:31:38.000 He got some porn star pussy at some point and all of a sudden... 1.00

02:31:42.000 This is just indicative of some greater trend that's going on. 1.00

02:31:45.000 That greater trend is the access to information.

02:31:47.000 That's what it is.

02:31:48.000 It's information, whether it's information...

02:31:51.000 The idea that what you say in a room is just like there's an echo and it dies off.

02:31:57.000 It's not going to die off anymore.

02:31:58.000 There's not going to be an echo.

02:32:00.000 There's going to be a recording and it's going to change the very dimension that you exist in.

02:32:04.000 The very world that you interface with is a completely different world now.

02:32:08.000 And it's because the very things that come out of your mouth are no longer temporary.

02:32:12.000 They're now resourceable.

02:32:13.000 They're now researchable.

02:32:15.000 You can go back and find them.

02:32:16.000 You put them in a bank.

02:32:17.000 You hold on to them.

02:32:18.000 You have them on a phone.

02:32:20.000 You have them in a database in Utah because the NSA has collected all your emails. 0.99

02:32:24.000 As long as there's a Donald Sterling that doesn't matter versus the cop who's caught on tape You know, hitting a fucking guy with a baton. 0.98

02:32:38.000 But they're getting in trouble, too. 0.99

02:32:39.000 I mean, the guy who just shot that 83-year-old lady, the 83-year-old lady.

02:32:43.000 93. 93?

02:32:45.000 Crazy lady, had a gun, screaming and yelling. 1.00

02:32:47.000 Guy came in and just unloaded on her, just pumped a fucking ton of bullets into her. 1.00

02:32:51.000 It's every week. 1.00

02:32:52.000 Every week.

02:32:53.000 They're like, what are you doing?

02:32:53.000 You didn't just shoot the old lady once.

02:32:55.000 You shot a fucking dozen bullets in her direction or something crazy like that. 0.99

02:33:00.000 It is every week, and it doesn't make sense, and it's not fair. 0.99

02:33:03.000 And that is being exposed not as much as the people like the Donald Sterlings, but enough that you see a trend.

02:33:11.000 If you just looked at it completely objectively outside the ideas of social justice, and just look at it like a scientific observation. 0.99

02:33:21.000 If you look at it like that, you go, well yeah, Mel Gibson got fucked over by some crazy cunt, and Donald Sterling, he's an old man. 1.00

02:33:27.000 But he's screaming, I hope you get raped by a pack! 1.00

02:33:29.000 A nigger! 1.00

02:33:30.000 No one's saying, turn in your fucking SAG card. 1.00

02:33:33.000 Because they take it into account that he's a fucking entertainer, and they give him a little bit of slack. 0.99

02:33:37.000 But stepping outside the idea of justice. 0.99

02:33:40.000 He doesn't give black people hundreds of millions of dollars.

02:33:43.000 You're right. 1.00

02:33:43.000 Like Donald Sterling, who goes, please don't fuck black people. 1.00

02:33:46.000 I don't think you should quantify who's better. 1.00

02:33:48.000 I don't think you should quantify who's better.

02:33:49.000 I think what I look at it on, I try to not think of myself being connected.

02:33:54.000 What would I do if I was an old crazy guy like Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson?

02:33:58.000 I go, what's going on?

02:33:59.000 What's going on is there's not going to be any secrets.

02:34:02.000 You better get used to it. 0.99

02:34:03.000 Because it slowly happens with a TMZ tape that the fucking mistress of Donald Sterling releases or Mel Gibson's crazy rants, his racist rants at a cop or, you know, whatever. 1.00

02:34:17.000 But when you're sitting in a cubicle and you went on a date with another guy in the office and you're typing on Facebook going, he's fucking... 1.00

02:34:27.000 He was kind of nice, but he's filthy and he has bad breath and he chews with his mouth open. 0.99

02:34:33.000 All of a sudden, yeah, now you're reading that on Facebook about you. 0.95

02:34:37.000 It's no longer TMZ about some celebrity.

02:34:40.000 Now you're finding out the truth about how someone feels about you on the internet.

02:34:46.000 And you go, oh my god, that's how people feel about me?

02:34:50.000 I'm just a guy in another cubicle. 0.99

02:34:52.000 Yeah, people find out shit about you without being famous. 0.94

02:34:57.000 You're not famous, but you read, oh, this is my cousin just said this about me in social networking, and now I know, yeah, no one has any secrets. 0.98

02:35:07.000 Yeah, well, it's a ripple effect.

02:35:08.000 I mean, right now it's hitting the celebrities first, but it's going to go deeper and deeper into the culture.

02:35:13.000 There's no getting around it, man.

02:35:15.000 What we're experiencing now is not going to be where the future is. 0.99

02:35:18.000 The future is going to be we're going to be able to read each other's fucking minds. 0.97

02:35:20.000 They're really close to it. 0.97

02:35:21.000 They're coming up with technology on a day-to-day basis that is establishing the very steps to take to not just be able to send each other pictures or emails on a phone, but to be able to do it mind to mind.

02:35:35.000 They're working on that.

02:35:37.000 It's not like an impossibility.

02:35:40.000 It's an inevitability.

02:35:41.000 It's just a matter of how long it's going to take before the technology becomes viable.

02:35:45.000 They're working on it.

02:35:46.000 Unless we get hit by an asteroid or invaded by aliens or we blow each other up in a nuclear war, it's coming.

02:35:52.000 Worst fear about reincarnation is...

02:35:55.000 I'll be dead before that happens.

02:35:57.000 Oh wait, I'll come back? 0.99

02:36:00.000 Well not only that, what if they come up with something that fucking regenerates you? 0.92

02:36:03.000 What if they come up with something like this mouse thing where they're injecting young mice blood into these mice and making the mice regenerate And they're actually regenerating brain tissue and reversing the signs of aging. 0.88

02:36:14.000 This is like legitimate scientific experiments they're doing on mice where they're showing that this is a potential thing that might work on all mammals.

02:36:23.000 It might not just only work on mice.

02:36:25.000 It might be something they could do with anybody.

02:36:26.000 I saw this on Sullivan and Son.

02:36:29.000 Hey, speaking of Sullivan and Son...

02:36:31.000 If they offered that to you, would you just assume, like, I'd rather not? 0.97

02:36:35.000 I'd rather fucking go out in a blaze of camels? 0.99

02:36:37.000 He has to fucking... 0.99

02:36:40.000 I just gave you an opening, you said, before the show. 0.99

02:36:43.000 You need to mention Sullivan and Son.

02:36:45.000 They get older. 1.00

02:36:46.000 Their fucking prostate swell up. 1.00

02:36:48.000 They have a very small little bladder. 1.00

02:36:50.000 It's like a coin purse for a child.

02:36:51.000 You know what?

02:36:52.000 I spent so much time dealing with my prostate one-on-one that...

02:36:57.000 One-on-one with two fingers or what? 0.53

02:36:59.000 I mean, are you using a glove or are you just going raw dog?

02:37:03.000 Do you snip your nails?

02:37:04.000 Do you file down the edges? 1.00

02:37:05.000 Are you just fucking crazy? 1.00

02:37:07.000 Just go in there ragged with a coke nail. 1.00

02:37:10.000 One of those fucking big ones from Dracula that's a silver with a tip on the end. 0.99

02:37:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:37:15.000 I just tear up the inside of your asshole. 1.00

02:37:17.000 I find my prostate and introduce it to a world of pain. 1.00

02:37:23.000 Hellraiser style. 1.00

02:37:24.000 It's fucking... 1.00

02:37:29.000 That last soliloquy of mine that evidently didn't make sense to you, that was the eye roll. 0.99

02:37:37.000 It's the reason I don't do podcasts by myself.

02:37:40.000 It makes sense.

02:37:42.000 Eventually Joe Rogan has to frown on me and I go...

02:37:45.000 Hey, that's an hour.

02:37:46.000 Neither one of us.

02:37:47.000 Neither one of us are...

02:37:49.000 I mean, there's no right or wrong.

02:37:51.000 We're both making sense.

02:37:53.000 You know, it's like there's a bunch of different points to this whole thing.

02:37:56.000 You're absolutely right that it's one of the most minor forms of racism ever where people are having this massive amount of outrage.

02:38:02.000 But people always have massive amounts of outrage. 1.00

02:38:04.000 He's fucking a black girl. 1.00

02:38:05.000 But people have massive amounts of outrage at anything a billionaire does, especially if that billionaire owns a bunch of black people. 1.00

02:38:12.000 No, they have massive amounts of outrage at what CNN tells them to be outraged about.

02:38:16.000 That's true, too.

02:38:17.000 But this is one of those things where if you have a billionaire who owns a bunch of black people's contracts, he owns a bunch of teams.

02:38:26.000 Thank God there was a parenthesis.

02:38:27.000 Ha ha ha ha!

02:38:28.000 That was my tweet.

02:38:30.000 I go, I want to buy the LA Clippers, but I don't have the money, but I think it would be racist to buy just one.

02:38:38.000 If you own a team, do you own the contracts?

02:38:43.000 I mean, how do you own it?

02:38:44.000 I mean, you're essentially, you own the business that's employing X amount of black people.

02:38:50.000 It's interesting to see how the 1% lives. 0.99

02:38:54.000 This guy can buy his chick a Ferrari. 1.00

02:38:57.000 He doesn't care.

02:38:59.000 He loses $2.5 million.

02:39:01.000 What is that?

02:39:01.000 It's a Chris Rock bit.

02:39:04.000 The Chris Rock bit was there's a difference between rich and wealthy.

02:39:09.000 Shaq is rich.

02:39:11.000 The guy that signs Shaq's check is wealthy.

02:39:15.000 That's a great bit.

02:39:16.000 That's a great bit.

02:39:18.000 I don't even think we could wrap our heads around the idea of the 1%. 0.98

02:39:22.000 The real Rockefeller type money that's been in their circulation of their family for fucking generation after generation. 0.99

02:39:30.000 I think it's so insane. 0.99

02:39:32.000 It's so decadent. 0.99

02:39:34.000 I mean, the reason why we have these ideas about, like, skull and crossbones, the nepotism that, you know, these family fucking groups that get handed down. 0.98

02:39:45.000 My son will be in skull and crossbones as well. 0.99

02:39:48.000 They all get together and they put on diapers and paddle each other and suck each other's dicks and take Polaroids of it, put it in a vault in the middle of fucking Yale, somewhere deep in a dungeon. 1.00

02:39:56.000 I mean, that's because these guys have been in control of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had the power to wrap their fucking greedy little fingers around. 1.00

02:40:05.000 Billions and billions and billions of dollars with no work at all. 0.99

02:40:08.000 They were born into it.

02:40:10.000 And they're born into this, and they're like, this is our legacy.

02:40:12.000 We have to protect this.

02:40:13.000 It happens on every level of society.

02:40:15.000 Yep.

02:40:16.000 It does.

02:40:17.000 Whenever someone has, like, a real solid control... 0.99

02:40:19.000 You're a cab dispatcher, and you're going to give your friend that drinks with you the better fucking fare... 0.91

02:40:28.000 Yeah, but that's like a friendship thing. 0.97

02:40:30.000 There's a difference between what that is.

02:40:33.000 Conspiracy theory naysayers. 1.00

02:40:35.000 Conspiracy theories happen in this fucking room. 1.00

02:40:39.000 People conspire against each other on some level. 0.99

02:40:42.000 Right, but on this guy's level, why is it such a surprise to people that he looks at it like a plantation workers?

02:40:47.000 That these are...

02:40:47.000 You know, his property.

02:40:49.000 I think probably a lot of billionaires have that attitude.

02:40:51.000 He's nothing compared to the same way you bring openers in case Joey Diaz doesn't show up.

02:40:57.000 Hey, you know what?

02:40:58.000 You're lower than Joey Diaz, but you're here for a reason.

02:41:02.000 That's the same kind of theory as, hey, you work for me.

02:41:08.000 What?

02:41:10.000 Wait a minute.

02:41:11.000 Hang on.

02:41:11.000 Someone else make that make sense, because that does.

02:41:14.000 Hold on a second.

02:41:16.000 You're saying to a guy that you're less than Joey Diaz, that's the same as the Donald Sterling guy? 1.00

02:41:21.000 You own your fucking openers. 1.00

02:41:23.000 You're a plantation owner. 1.00

02:41:25.000 You own your openers.

02:41:28.000 To the extent that Donald Sterling does.

02:41:33.000 Oh, I see.

02:41:34.000 I feel terrible now.

02:41:36.000 No!

02:41:37.000 No, I'm saying he shouldn't feel terrible. 1.00

02:41:39.000 He's paying the motherfuckers. 1.00

02:41:41.000 He's an old cunt. 1.00

02:41:42.000 He's like he's born in a different era. 1.00

02:41:44.000 And that's what Duncan Trussell said to you behind your back.

02:41:47.000 It was a great show.

02:41:48.000 I should have been Joey Diaz the whole time.

02:41:52.000 Oh, that's funny.

02:41:56.000 You see this show?

02:41:57.000 John D. Rockefeller is worth $340 billion.

02:42:01.000 Not million.

02:42:02.000 Billion dollars.

02:42:03.000 That's the number one richest American of all time.

02:42:05.000 Number one richest.

02:42:06.000 But that guy's dead.

02:42:07.000 That's not helping him.

02:42:08.000 But his family.

02:42:09.000 But John D. Rockefeller, when did he die?

02:42:11.000 He died in 1937. Yeah, that doesn't count.

02:42:14.000 I think that's the point.

02:42:15.000 No one cares.

02:42:17.000 He's such a bar. 1.00

02:42:18.000 You can't take that pussy with you, said Tom Rhodes. 0.99

02:42:20.000 I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago, and every time I mentioned someone's name, the entertainer, the guy was on the internet, and I think it's like networth.com. 0.99

02:42:28.000 You can punch in anybody's name, and it says what their net worth is.

02:42:31.000 Mm-hmm.

02:42:32.000 It was incredible.

02:42:33.000 I looked myself up to see if it was accurate.

02:42:35.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

02:42:35.000 Who the fuck do you talk to that does that? 1.00

02:42:38.000 If they do that, stop talking to them. 1.00

02:42:39.000 Stern talks about it all the time. 1.00

02:42:42.000 It's such bullshit. 1.00

02:42:43.000 Have you checked it? 1.00

02:42:45.000 No.

02:42:46.000 Check it right now and see if it's close.

02:42:48.000 I don't even know.

02:42:49.000 I might be off by a million.

02:42:53.000 My cousin's a cop in Florida and I got to drive with him one night.

02:42:57.000 But to see if it's accurate.

02:42:59.000 Why?

02:43:00.000 Substantiated?

02:43:01.000 Who cares?

02:43:02.000 My point is not whether or not it's accurate. 0.99

02:43:04.000 My point is who the fuck you tell a guy who you're talking about and the guy immediately goes and checks his worth? 0.98

02:43:10.000 I'll tell you who cares. 0.99

02:43:12.000 S or V Stiviano cares.

02:43:14.000 And her name's Vanessa.

02:43:16.000 Stop saying V. By the way, it's not even her name.

02:43:18.000 Okay?

02:43:19.000 It's a fake name.

02:43:19.000 She's got a bunch of aliases.

02:43:21.000 Either way, but she branded herself as V. Stiviano. 1.00

02:43:25.000 Fuck you, you're a gold-digging cunt, but we'll go with Vanessa. 1.00

02:43:29.000 Hey, she's a nice girl who has something to offer. 1.00

02:43:32.000 Look, she's not carrying logs. 1.00

02:43:35.000 She's not being a fucking woodcutter for the mill. 1.00

02:43:38.000 Those guys don't want to be there either. 1.00

02:43:40.000 She's sucking old rich guy dick. 1.00

02:43:42.000 She might start a new industry. 1.00

02:43:43.000 I appreciate a scam, but when you get busted at it, just say, yeah.

02:43:46.000 It's not a scam!

02:43:47.000 Listen, in my opinion, it's a noble profession that's been around longer than any other profession in history.

02:43:51.000 And she's going to inspire a lot of other young girls to be yours. 1.00

02:43:54.000 Fucking old guy! 1.00

02:43:54.000 Not fucking him all the time! 1.00

02:43:57.000 It's all about what they're worth. 1.00

02:43:59.000 Look, if he was George Clooney, that chick would be fucking him all the time. 1.00

02:44:02.000 But he's not! 1.00

02:44:04.000 He's an 81-year-old bag of meat. 1.00

02:44:07.000 He's an old wrinkly coin sack filled with flesh and some shitty hollow chicken bones that barely carry his old wounded hips around his fucking million dollar mansion. 1.00

02:44:19.000 He's an old fuck, okay? 1.00

02:44:21.000 And she fucks him when she has to fuck him. 1.00

02:44:23.000 And no more and no less. 1.00

02:44:25.000 And that's what the market dictates. 1.00

02:44:27.000 If it was George Clooney, if it was Chuck Liddell, Chuck Liddell would fuck her anytime he wanted to. 1.00

02:44:32.000 Because he's an animal and he's alive and he's still a man. 1.00

02:44:36.000 This is a guy who's barely clinging on to the very cellular existence that he maintains in this dimension. 0.99

02:44:43.000 His body's ready to tap the fuck out. 1.00

02:44:45.000 So when she fucks him is when she fucks him. 1.00

02:44:47.000 And that's the deal. 1.00

02:44:48.000 You buy the Bentley, you pay the Ferrari, you take your fucking ride. 0.99

02:44:53.000 And that's how the market's set. 0.99

02:45:02.000 There's nothing wrong with what she's doing! 1.00

02:45:04.000 There's nothing wrong with what he's doing either.

02:45:05.000 Both of them are doing fine work. 1.00

02:45:09.000 And then when you fucking tape record that guy for no reason just to fuck him over. 1.00

02:45:13.000 I don't think she tape recorded him to fuck him over. 1.00

02:45:15.000 What I understand about this story is she let the tape recording out to fuck him over. 1.00

02:45:20.000 But part of her job was to tape record him because the dude's got a job. 1.00

02:45:24.000 Jesus, come on. 0.93

02:45:25.000 She let it out.

02:45:26.000 And then when she went on CNN like two days later and she was on there.

02:45:28.000 No, no, no, no.

02:45:29.000 I'm sorry. 0.99

02:45:30.000 She did a fucking Barbara Walters interview. 1.00

02:45:32.000 She's going to inspire young girls all over America to be fucking old guys. 1.00

02:45:36.000 Branding her own fucking dumb ass. 1.00

02:45:37.000 She comes out on Barbara Walters and she says, I'm Mr. Sterling's right arm... 1.00

02:45:44.000 Right-hand man. 0.99

02:45:45.000 It's like, you whore, you have one line we've taught you to say to cover this up! 1.00

02:45:49.000 We woodshedded you on this one line! 1.00

02:45:51.000 She had one fucking line she was supposed to say for the news fucking soundbite, and she fucked it up. 1.00

02:45:58.000 Are you saying you did not look at that chick for a fraction of a second and summer up completely knowing what a horrible fucking L.A. gold digger, whatever label... 1.00

02:46:12.000 She was fishing him the whole time. 0.99

02:46:14.000 Well, no doubt. 0.96

02:46:15.000 But it's like my old bit about Anna Nicole Smith and her fucking husband, J. Howard Marshall, that billionaire guy, that everybody was like, no, but the idea is that, well, of course. 0.97

02:46:25.000 That's the deal. 0.99

02:46:26.000 You're 90 fucking years old, and the girl's young. 1.00

02:46:29.000 That's the deal. 1.00

02:46:29.000 She took it a step beyond the deal. 1.00

02:46:32.000 I 100% agree. 0.98

02:46:33.000 Let me fucking put Andy Andrus in the mix. 0.99

02:46:36.000 To the point where you go, okay, you stepped over the fucking man boundary of what the line is. 1.00

02:46:41.000 You don't tape me and then put that out there for no reason just to make me look like an asshole after the fact. 1.00

02:46:46.000 Yes, I agree with you. 1.00

02:46:47.000 I think that she is a bad person.

02:46:50.000 No doubt about it.

02:46:52.000 But also, he's a bad person. 1.00

02:46:54.000 And who knows what fucking chaos she grew up with. 1.00

02:46:57.000 And who knows what fucking shit he said that she didn't record. 1.00

02:47:01.000 Who knows what the fuck their relationship is. 1.00

02:47:04.000 But what I know is that, like, vultures circling, carrying. 0.99

02:47:08.000 This is all over the news. 0.99

02:47:10.000 I mean, we're in the middle of two fucking wars. 0.99

02:47:12.000 You know, Russia is invading the Ukraine. 0.99

02:47:15.000 We've got all kinds of chaos all over the world.

02:47:17.000 And everybody's focusing on nonsense. 0.95

02:47:20.000 An old man. 0.97

02:47:21.000 Including us.

02:47:22.000 Yeah, it's the three-mark card monkey.

02:47:23.000 Nothing funny about the Ukraine. 0.99

02:47:25.000 If the Ukraine had ass-fucking, we'd be talking about it. 1.00

02:47:28.000 We're legitimate social commentators. 0.99

02:47:30.000 In this DNA, we count as legitimate social commentators.

02:47:34.000 We're doing our job to point out the fruitlessness of this pursuit.

02:47:37.000 Go out tomorrow and do something nice for someone you don't know.

02:47:40.000 That's my point. 1.00

02:47:41.000 Just hug some fucking people. 1.00

02:47:42.000 Have a barbecue. 1.00

02:47:44.000 Yeah, don't care.

02:47:45.000 Don't even talk about Donald Sterling.

02:47:47.000 Buy that cave house in Bisbee so I don't.

02:47:49.000 Move in.

02:47:50.000 Move in.

02:47:51.000 Take those 35 acres.

02:47:52.000 If we could get 52 buyers one week a year.

02:47:55.000 That's what I'm talking about. 1.00

02:47:56.000 A fucking timeshare in a cave in Bisbee. 0.99

02:47:58.000 I'm in for a week. 0.99

02:47:59.000 Call it the Mushroom Palace where you just go to eat mushrooms and then just rent it out.

02:48:02.000 If we can make a legit deal with the police department.

02:48:05.000 Are you smoking cigarettes?

02:48:05.000 No.

02:48:06.000 Jesus.

02:48:07.000 Red band.

02:48:07.000 Come on.

02:48:08.000 If we can make a...

02:48:09.000 I have to, but you... 1.00

02:48:10.000 You fucking smoked cigarettes for three hours. 1.00

02:48:11.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

02:48:12.000 I don't...

02:48:13.000 I don't look over there.

02:48:13.000 If we can make a legitimate deal.

02:48:15.000 That's not part of the show.

02:48:16.000 That's production.

02:48:16.000 If we can make a legitimate deal with the local government.

02:48:19.000 Just fucking, you know, somebody we know becomes mayor and works something out. 0.98

02:48:24.000 Some sort of an on it, shamanic retreat down in Bisbee, Arizona. 1.00

02:48:28.000 If you're mayor, you're a target.

02:48:29.000 We have a nice little underground tunnel somewhere near a cave.

02:48:32.000 I told you off the air stories, I told you three of them about how...

02:48:38.000 Yeah, great Bisbee is.

02:48:40.000 And I'll tell you the fourth one after we're off.

02:48:42.000 This is what we do.

02:48:43.000 We get someone on your death pool to be the mayor. 0.98

02:48:46.000 And we replace him with the most likely candidate every year.

02:48:49.000 So we constantly got mayors.

02:48:50.000 There's no celebrities in Bisbee. 0.99

02:48:51.000 Not now, but you had fucking Jake LaMotta in your living room, dude. 0.99

02:48:54.000 I saw the pictures. 0.99

02:48:55.000 He's not dead yet.

02:48:56.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:48:57.000 Jake LaMotta as mayor of Bisbee.

02:48:59.000 You follow what I'm saying?

02:49:01.000 It's perfect.

02:49:02.000 And then who's his vice president?

02:49:04.000 Wayne Newton. 1.00

02:49:06.000 Shit. 1.00

02:49:06.000 Somebody else is ready to fucking go. 1.00

02:49:08.000 We've talked about it. 0.99

02:49:09.000 You need to...

02:49:10.000 It's not the mayor.

02:49:11.000 It's the sheriff.

02:49:12.000 Are you partying with Johnny Depp or is that a fake Johnny Depp?

02:49:14.000 Is that a real Johnny Depp?

02:49:14.000 Who's that guy over here?

02:49:16.000 Whatever, whatever.

02:49:17.000 I'll tell you another time. 1.00

02:49:18.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:49:19.000 It's a real guy. 1.00

02:49:20.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:49:21.000 Okay, so forget about Johnny Depp partying at your house. 1.00

02:49:26.000 There's people that we could have that could be mayoral candidates to work something out.

02:49:32.000 We've got a little utopia going on here, but it's a bit of a shell game.

02:49:35.000 It's a bit of a shell game.

02:49:36.000 Right now, it's utopia for me. 1.00

02:49:39.000 Maybe you move in, all the fucking vultures follow you. 1.00

02:49:42.000 It was so nice until Rogan moved in and ruined the neighborhood. 1.00

02:49:45.000 Everybody started crossfitting. 0.58

02:49:47.000 They all start running up hills with sandbags.

02:49:50.000 Getting their blood mixed. 1.00

02:49:52.000 They're all drinking ionized water and fucking getting vampire blood. 1.00

02:49:55.000 Kettlebell Boulevard. 1.00

02:50:03.000 I like the idea.

02:50:06.000 I met Steve Byrne the other night.

02:50:09.000 He's a great guy.

02:50:11.000 I heard that Tom Rhodes...

02:50:12.000 Hey, he's got a sitcom, doesn't he?

02:50:13.000 He's got a TV show that Tom Rhodes is on.

02:50:14.000 Steve Byrne...

02:50:15.000 I'm at a place now where I've met so many comics over the years and I've been kind of away from them for 10 years that I met Steve Byrne and I assumed I knew him.

02:50:25.000 And he's like, oh, it's so nice to meet you.

02:50:27.000 And I'm like...

02:50:28.000 Don't we already know each other?

02:50:30.000 Because you're so familiar.

02:50:31.000 And I was in a drunken state.

02:50:33.000 Wait a minute.

02:50:34.000 Tom saw me there. 1.00

02:50:34.000 This fucking story just got shady. 1.00

02:50:37.000 Right. 0.99

02:50:37.000 I'm not buying this at all. 0.99

02:50:39.000 Well, it's like Amy Schumer.

02:50:41.000 I don't know if...

02:50:42.000 I assume I've met her because she looks familiar and now she's famous.

02:50:46.000 So I just assume...

02:50:47.000 We probably met at a festival somewhere.

02:50:50.000 Right.

02:50:50.000 Because she got famous, like...

02:50:52.000 On the sneak tip?

02:50:53.000 Early...

02:50:53.000 After me.

02:50:55.000 Like, after my career...

02:50:57.000 So I go, we probably met at Montreal.

02:51:00.000 So Steve Byrne, he's like, no, I've never met you.

02:51:02.000 And I'm like, maybe I'm just drunk.

02:51:05.000 I thought I did.

02:51:06.000 So I saw you there.

02:51:08.000 Yeah, I ran into you.

02:51:09.000 I saw you at the improv.

02:51:10.000 And Steve Byrne was there also.

02:51:11.000 This is what, Saturday night?

02:51:13.000 Yeah, I'm screaming drinks for all my friends or whatever.

02:51:16.000 Steve Byrne, I have a lot of friends who have television shows, like good friends of mine, and I've never been on them.

02:51:22.000 Steve is a guy I know.

02:51:23.000 He's a friend, but not like a really good friend.

02:51:26.000 That Saturday night, you were plastered, and then you left, and then I was talking to him, and he's, when are you leaving town?

02:51:31.000 I'm like, Wednesday.

02:51:32.000 He goes, oh, that's great.

02:51:33.000 We tape...

02:51:34.000 On Tuesdays, and there's a role that will be perfect for you.

02:51:37.000 He goes, you got a second?

02:51:38.000 Pulls out his phone, calls his executive producer, gets off the phone, he goes, we rehearse Monday and film Tuesday.

02:51:45.000 I met him first that night!

02:51:49.000 I had nothing! 1.00

02:51:50.000 Well, the role was a part of a road comic that sucks his cock. 1.00

02:51:53.000 It's a very complicated piece. 1.00

02:51:56.000 Back to the front desk guy blowing you for material.

02:51:59.000 Jesus Christ.

02:52:00.000 I could have had my teeth removed.

02:52:05.000 End scene.

02:52:08.000 This is the end.

02:52:09.000 We ran out of time in three hours.

02:52:12.000 We did a 500th podcast.

02:52:15.000 Wow, 500. You gentlemen were the part of the 500th.

02:52:17.000 You ever done 500 times three hours?

02:52:20.000 Just to see what that is.

02:52:21.000 I don't think it really is three hours, because I think a lot of them are two, but most of them are three.

02:52:25.000 The majority of them, probably like 80% of three.

02:52:27.000 This is the end.

02:52:28.000 This is the end.

02:52:28.000 My only friend.

02:52:30.000 Where are you going, bitch? 1.00

02:52:31.000 Asia. 1.00

02:52:31.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:52:32.000 I went to Asia for a month.

02:52:33.000 How dare you, Tom Rhodes?

02:52:35.000 Vietnam!

02:52:35.000 I'm going to Hawaii.

02:52:36.000 Maybe we'll be on the same flight.

02:52:38.000 That makes sense.

02:52:39.000 They're going the same direction.

02:52:41.000 Layover in Honolulu.

02:52:43.000 Where are you going to Hawaii?

02:52:43.000 Are you doing gigs?

02:52:44.000 No.

02:52:45.000 You ever do a gig?

02:52:46.000 Mileage grab.

02:52:47.000 I need to do a gig.

02:52:47.000 Yeah, last time I... You met a front desk guy that blew you.

02:52:50.000 Last time I was doing a mileage grab, I go through Hawaii and I just tweeted, hey, I'm going to Hawaii.

02:52:57.000 Set me up with a gig.

02:52:58.000 Anyone.

02:52:59.000 And within, I think, 12 hours it was done.

02:53:03.000 Wow.

02:53:03.000 And so I tried it again.

02:53:05.000 I didn't actually tweet it.

02:53:06.000 This time I went back to the same guy.

02:53:08.000 Well, Eddie Ift is there that night.

02:53:11.000 Well, that's because they saw your council meeting.

02:53:13.000 Well, no, I'm going to see Eddie Ift.

02:53:16.000 Hey, there's my plug. 0.96

02:53:18.000 Well, I have some dates coming up in Seattle and Portland and shit in June. 0.97

02:53:22.000 Go to my website. 0.83

02:53:23.000 But go see Eddie Ift in Honolulu on Saturday night.

02:53:27.000 See me in Seoul, Korea next week.

02:53:29.000 This Saturday?

02:53:29.000 This Saturday coming up?

02:53:30.000 Yeah.

02:53:31.000 I don't know what that date is.

02:53:33.000 Well, just Google it.

02:53:33.000 Make sure the date's correct.

02:53:35.000 I'll be seeing Eddie Ift.

02:53:37.000 There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

02:53:38.000 I'll be in the audience.

02:53:39.000 Happy to be there. 0.99

02:53:40.000 Tom Rhodes is underscore Tom R-H-O-D-E-S. Whoever the fuck this original Tom Rhodes is that got it. 0.98

02:53:47.000 I don't know. 0.90

02:53:48.000 I remember you told me once you shouldn't use underscore.

02:53:51.000 No one can figure out where to find underscore.

02:53:54.000 I had a hard time finding you.

02:53:55.000 I don't want anyone to follow me who can't find underscore.

02:53:57.000 I said that about both of you recently on a podcast. 0.98

02:54:00.000 Why don't you have your fucking audience go after whoever has JoeRogan.com and fucking just assassinate until he gives up the website? 0.98

02:54:12.000 He's a nice old dude who happens to be older than me and he's been Joe Rogan longer than I have. 1.00

02:54:17.000 Fuck him. 1.00

02:54:18.000 He wanted to sell it to me. 1.00

02:54:18.000 He wanted to sell it to me, but he wanted a lot of money. 1.00

02:54:20.000 TomRhodes.com gave me TomRhodes.net.

02:54:23.000 That's glorious.

02:54:24.000 Said all I had to do was give him free tickets for life whenever I played in Dallas.

02:54:27.000 That's actually pretty good.

02:54:27.000 And he's always a real estate guy in Dallas.

02:54:29.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:54:30.000 Yours is a real estate guy, too.

02:54:32.000 Mine's a real estate guy. 1.00

02:54:33.000 Fuck real estate! 1.00

02:54:34.000 Boise Auto. 1.00

02:54:35.000 Kill the landlords! 1.00

02:54:36.000 Fuck property. 1.00

02:54:37.000 Fuck property. 1.00

02:54:38.000 Fuck property rights. 1.00

02:54:39.000 Except for the cave house. 1.00

02:54:40.000 Except for the cave house.

02:54:42.000 It only takes bitcoins.

02:54:43.000 That's the shamanic center. 0.99

02:54:44.000 Once we get the fucking raging bull to be the mayor, we have the whole rules changed. 0.99

02:54:50.000 That's it. 0.99

02:54:51.000 This podcast is over.

02:54:52.000 This has been the 500th one.

02:54:54.000 We thank you very much for all of it.

02:54:58.000 It's ridiculous. 0.67

02:54:59.000 We started out in a living room, just fucking around with a laptop, and now it's become something that's completely out of our hands. 0.99

02:55:06.000 It's on you guys as much as it is me, and I appreciate the fuck out all of you. 0.96

02:55:12.000 I can't say anything without sounding rehearsed and insincere, but I couldn't be more honest about it. 0.94

02:55:18.000 You sound so Ting and LegalZoom to me.

02:55:21.000 Well, LegalZoom is next.

02:55:22.000 Go to LegalZoom.com.

02:55:24.000 Use the code word ROGAN. Save yourself some money.

02:55:26.000 Go to Rogan.Ting.com.

02:55:27.000 Save $25.

02:55:28.000 Go to LegalZoom and use the password NORM. 500 episodes, you dirty fucks. 1.00

02:55:36.000 That's such a wicked inside joke that if anyone gets it, I'll give you a free ticket. 1.00

02:55:40.000 Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. 0.56

02:55:42.000 Go to DougStanhope.com and leave your feces in brown paper bags.

02:55:46.000 212 Van Dyke.

02:55:48.000 Go visit him.

02:55:50.000 He doesn't believe people visit him.

02:55:51.000 But people, please visit him.

02:55:52.000 Just once.

02:55:53.000 For once in your life.

02:55:54.000 Follow his schedule.

02:55:55.000 Find out the days that are off.

02:55:56.000 Email him.

02:55:56.000 He'll email you back.

02:55:57.000 Show up and bring beef jerky. 0.97

02:56:00.000 We'd love the fuck out of here.

02:56:01.000 We'll see you soon. 0.93

02:56:02.000 Bye-bye.

02:56:02.000 Much love.

02:56:03.000 You got something to say?

02:56:04.000 Friday, we'll be in Vegas with Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana.

02:56:07.000 Friday, Vegas, go.

02:56:08.000 It's at a pool hall, too.

02:56:09.000 Bring your chalk.

02:56:10.000 The chalk there is very slippery.

02:56:12.000 Good pool player.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 14, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript