The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #533 - Chris D'Elia

00:00:00.000 Hello, dorks. 0.97

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00:00:03.000 How about that?

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00:08:18.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:08:22.000 Young Chris D'Elia out there in the wild, the wild of Hollywood, on a billboard.

00:08:34.000 I'm driving up La Cienega.

00:08:36.000 I see your face with some other people I don't know.

00:08:39.000 Looking sexy.

00:08:40.000 I like young.

00:08:41.000 I like that he's young.

00:08:42.000 You're still young for now.

00:08:43.000 I know.

00:08:44.000 I still kind of feel young.

00:08:44.000 I know.

00:08:46.000 34?

00:08:47.000 34?

00:08:47.000 Yeah.

00:08:48.000 I'm 47 today.

00:08:49.000 today and do you feel 47 no but i take all kinds of shit to keep me feeling fucking fresh and fucking hormones and fucking athletic supplements and shit you know guys like you guys like you just make me feel like i'm gonna die soon because you you seem like a buddy i would hang with like that and you know you are but like you seem like somebody that's my age and then when i realize oh yeah you're not i'm like how the fuck am i gonna feel because i definitely feel less energetic than i was when i was 25. 0.96

00:09:19.000 Yeah, but what do you do about it?

00:09:21.000 It's all about what do you do about your body.

00:09:22.000 Do you exercise?

00:09:24.000 How often do you exercise?

00:09:24.000 I used to exercise so much.

00:09:26.000 Besides humping?

00:09:27.000 Yeah.

00:09:27.000 No, that's my cardio right there.

00:09:29.000 That's my cardio.

00:09:31.000 I used to exercise so much, and I just don't, man.

00:09:36.000 Yeah, you got to.

00:09:37.000 I know.

00:09:38.000 Especially when you hit your 30s.

00:09:39.000 Is it hot in here, Jamie, or is it me?

00:09:41.000 Yeah, turn the AC on, man.

00:09:41.000 I'll turn it up.

00:09:42.000 I'm fucking sweating.

00:09:43.000 I think maybe it's just Chris D'Elia been in the room.

00:09:46.000 Young Chris D'Elia.

00:09:49.000 You got to take care of it.

00:09:51.000 Otherwise, it starts atrophying.

00:09:53.000 There's no other way around it.

00:09:53.000 Yeah.

00:09:54.000 I know.

00:09:55.000 If you don't, your body's going to slowly atrophy.

00:09:57.000 I got to.

00:09:59.000 And I just keep saying I got to, but then it's like I do the road.

00:09:59.000 I got to.

00:10:02.000 So, you know, I do the road, and it's like, when are you going to fucking start?

00:10:05.000 And then it's like, you know, that's the hardest part.

00:10:07.000 I know what, you know, you're like, yeah, you just fucking do it.

00:10:09.000 But it's like, you just got to write it down.

00:10:12.000 That's the number one thing.

00:10:13.000 What do you mean?

00:10:14.000 Write it down.

00:10:14.000 Write down what you have to do in a day, and then do that.

00:10:18.000 The writing in the down thing is fucking hard.

00:10:22.000 You've been putting the pen on the paper and making marks.

00:10:25.000 And, you know, I'm really not lazy.

00:10:27.000 I'm really not.

00:10:28.000 No, you're not.

00:10:29.000 You're constantly doing sets.

00:10:30.000 You're always working on your act.

00:10:31.000 Yeah.

00:10:31.000 I see you at the improv.

00:10:32.000 You're there almost every night.

00:10:34.000 Yeah.

00:10:34.000 You're there constantly.

00:10:35.000 You're not lazy when it comes to stand-up.

00:10:36.000 No, not at all.

00:10:37.000 But that's also because stand-up is like just such a rewarding thing.

00:10:41.000 You know?

00:10:41.000 I know.

00:10:42.000 Right.

00:10:43.000 Immediately people are like, yeah.

00:10:44.000 Yeah.

00:10:45.000 You know?

00:10:45.000 But if you work out, there's nobody there that's like, yeah.

00:10:48.000 But if you don't.

00:10:50.000 See, like, if you had an amazing body and you took your shirt off and people went, holy shit, Crystal.

00:10:56.000 You're right.

00:10:57.000 And then it became what you have now.

00:11:00.000 You'd be like, what the fuck happened to my body?

00:11:03.000 My amazing body.

00:11:04.000 Yeah.

00:11:05.000 But now you're just used to having a normal body.

00:11:07.000 Right.

00:11:07.000 And so it's become okay.

00:11:09.000 Yeah.

00:11:09.000 Okay.

00:11:09.000 The other thing is, too, like, I'm pretty lucky with genes.

00:11:13.000 Right.

00:11:13.000 My genes.

00:11:14.000 So I'm like, you know, I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to do shit.

00:11:18.000 Yeah.

00:11:19.000 You're not going to get fat real easy.

00:11:20.000 Well, yeah.

00:11:21.000 And I eat pretty well.

00:11:21.000 No.

00:11:23.000 I don't eat like shit, you know?

00:11:24.000 So.

00:11:25.000 That's a bummer for people that don't.

00:11:27.000 Like, they have those slow genes.

00:11:29.000 No matter what happens, they just start gaining fat really quickly.

00:11:32.000 That is a drag.

00:11:34.000 That is really.

00:11:35.000 You're just, those are the cards, dude.

00:11:36.000 Ectomorph is what it's called, right?

00:11:38.000 Or endomorph.

00:11:39.000 Endomorph.

00:11:40.000 Yeah.

00:11:40.000 Endomorph is the fat one.

00:11:41.000 Ectomorph is the people that can't put on weight no matter what they do. 0.99

00:11:44.000 Yeah.

00:11:45.000 I will start.

00:11:46.000 You will.

00:11:47.000 Someday.

00:11:48.000 Yeah.

00:11:48.000 And I feel.

00:11:49.000 You don't want to start when it's already fading, though.

00:11:52.000 You know, like, right now, you still look good.

00:11:52.000 Yeah.

00:11:54.000 You look athletic and trim.

00:11:54.000 Yeah.

00:11:56.000 I feel good, you know?

00:11:57.000 You look good.

00:11:57.000 You feel good.

00:11:57.000 Yeah.

00:11:58.000 Everything's good.

00:12:00.000 Yeah.

00:12:01.000 It'll go, though.

00:12:02.000 No matter what.

00:12:03.000 But then there's like, I have this guy that does my podcast sometimes, a trainer.

00:12:06.000 His name is Steve Maxwell.

00:12:07.000 Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt.

00:12:09.000 60, what is he?

00:12:10.000 63?

00:12:11.000 Yeah, that sounds right.

00:12:11.000 64?

00:12:12.000 64.

00:12:13.000 Fucking guy looks great.

00:12:14.000 He's ripped.

00:12:15.000 Shredded. 0.96

00:12:16.000 Six pack.

00:12:16.000 Works out all the time.

00:12:17.000 Just constantly at it.

00:12:20.000 Never gives his body a chance to get old and floppy.

00:12:22.000 That's so fucking awesome, dude.

00:12:24.000 Yeah.

00:12:26.000 I just, you know.

00:12:27.000 My thing is also, like, for me, like, I'll focus on one thing and I'll just obsess about it.

00:12:33.000 And what that is, is comedy to me.

00:12:35.000 Like, that's stand-up to me.

00:12:35.000 Right.

00:12:36.000 I mean, I told you I trained, like, for five years.

00:12:41.000 Where'd you train at again?

00:12:42.000 With John Machado.

00:12:43.000 Oh, right, right.

00:12:44.000 And I did it, like, every day.

00:12:48.000 And I worked out.

00:12:50.000 i lifted weights dude and it was just what i did right and then i did stand up and i was like oh what the fuck am i doing rolling around because it wasn't it you know i found out that that wasn't me you know like i got to a point where i was like good for me but it was like other guys were this was their life yeah you know and then once i did stand up it was just so so obvious that that was who i was and that was my life that i was like oh i'm just gonna excel at this, I feel like, if I work really hard.

00:13:18.000 And I did.

00:13:19.000 Well, stand-up is a strange thing.

00:13:20.000 You definitely do work really hard.

00:13:22.000 Like I said, I see you there all the time.

00:13:24.000 But stand-up is a strange thing in that its potential is entirely based on like the contents of your mind and putting it all together.

00:13:34.000 And it's all, the whole thing is you.

00:13:37.000 It's not like, you know, like jiu-jitsu, there's moves, there's armbars, there's triangles.

00:13:41.000 And you could be very creative and you could even come up with your own moves.

00:13:44.000 But with stand-up, like literally everything.

00:13:46.000 Anything.

00:13:47.000 Everything that you can think of could possibly be.

00:13:51.000 Yeah.

00:13:51.000 And you can, and you could, you know, I remember, like, especially when I first started out, not being able to figure out, like, I had pad after pad filled with these ideas that were just ridiculously stupid ideas.

00:14:03.000 They could never be comedy.

00:14:05.000 But I was trying to figure out what are the ideas that I could come up with that could be comedy.

00:14:10.000 You know, because some of them I would, like, I'll still to this day, I'll go back and find some of my old notebooks.

00:14:15.000 And I was like, how did you ever make it, you fucking idiot?

00:14:19.000 You get embarrassed when you read this shit.

00:14:21.000 That's like when now I watch old tapes of me, like when I'm like, oh, what?

00:14:21.000 You're just like, yeah.

00:14:26.000 Oh, it's hard.

00:14:28.000 It's hard to watch tapes from a couple of years ago.

00:14:30.000 I know, yeah.

00:14:31.000 It's hard to fucking look at a picture and see how you used to dress a couple years ago.

00:14:35.000 But there are those pictures.

00:14:38.000 Photos of me from news radio when I had earrings.

00:14:41.000 Two earrings.

00:14:41.000 Everyone was in one ear.

00:14:43.000 Oh, wow.

00:14:44.000 I had earrings, though.

00:14:44.000 I mean, you know, it's like.

00:14:47.000 Can you even fucking imagine me with earrings?

00:14:49.000 No, I can't now.

00:14:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:51.000 It's just so not me.

00:14:53.000 But I did it.

00:14:54.000 I was at the fucking mall and I was like, I'm getting a fucking earring.

00:14:58.000 Those ones that they punch it through and it's a fake diamond.

00:15:02.000 Absolutely, man.

00:15:03.000 I got one of those.

00:15:05.000 Yeah, me and my roommates, we all went at the same time, got our ears pierced.

00:15:08.000 Wow.

00:15:09.000 My one roommate was crazy. 0.99

00:15:10.000 He went both ears, pirate style.

00:15:11.000 Yeah.

00:15:12.000 My brother had two ears, both ears, yeah.

00:15:14.000 That's a gangster move.

00:15:16.000 Especially in the 90s.

00:15:18.000 You look at, and you look at those, yeah, and you look at those pictures and you think, oh, man, like you're like, how did I get any pussy? 0.92

00:15:29.000 Like, for real.

00:15:30.000 Not even like, I mean, I know it's funny, but like, not even to be funny.

00:15:34.000 Like, how did somebody be like, yeah, that guy?

00:15:38.000 Yeah, well, that girl settled just like guys.

00:15:40.000 I know, I know.

00:15:41.000 I don't want to think a girl is settling with me, though. 0.99

00:15:44.000 That doesn't go well with me.

00:15:45.000 I actually stopped wearing an earring because of jiu-jitsu.

00:15:48.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:49.000 Because I used to have to take it out every time I rolled.

00:15:51.000 No, tape it.

00:15:52.000 Who fucking tapes it?

00:15:53.000 I saw guys tape it.

00:15:54.000 Really?

00:15:55.000 Yeah, just tape it.

00:15:56.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:15:57.000 I don't know why they wouldn't just fucking take it out.

00:15:59.000 I know dudes who tape their ears because they have those stretchy things.

00:16:03.000 You know, they have those giant holes in their ears.

00:16:06.000 And so they pull the end together and tape it.

00:16:09.000 There's a guy who fights in the UFC that's not.

00:16:11.000 Oh, really?

00:16:12.000 Yeah, they put those.

00:16:14.000 What are those things called?

00:16:15.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:16:16.000 Wrong.

00:16:17.000 They're called wrong.

00:16:18.000 What are they called?

00:16:19.000 Plugs?

00:16:19.000 Plugs.

00:16:20.000 Those things are ridiculous.

00:16:22.000 Those are, yeah.

00:16:24.000 But that's a whole culture.

00:16:25.000 There was girls like that that'll be like, yeah, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:16:27.000 Yeah, because he's got the biggest holes in his mirrors.

00:16:30.000 Well, it's like those African women that have those plates. 1.00

00:16:34.000 Surrey, Surrey women, they have those plates in their lips, and the larger the plate, the more cattle they're worth when they get married. 1.00

00:16:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:41.000 Yeah, that's...

00:16:44.000 I don't know about that at all.

00:16:45.000 I mean, I know about that.

00:16:46.000 I've seen it, but yeah.

00:16:48.000 That's a strange choice.

00:16:51.000 It is weird when you think about, well, also, that's attractive to them, right?

00:16:56.000 Not anymore, apparently.

00:16:57.000 The word is that, obviously, I'm not hanging around with a lot of African broths. 1.00

00:17:03.000 But the word is that it was much more common, but now women are rebelling against it. 1.00

00:17:10.000 A lot of young women don't do it because they have to bang their teeth out. 1.00

00:17:14.000 Their lower teeth.

00:17:16.000 Yeah, as the plate gets larger, like as you start doing that, it starts going into your mouth and you drool constantly.

00:17:23.000 Yeah.

00:17:24.000 Yeah, none of that, man.

00:17:25.000 Like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:17:27.000 Like, just less pain always.

00:17:29.000 No banging teeth out.

00:17:31.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:17:32.000 It just doesn't.

00:17:33.000 It doesn't, I mean, that's a weird thing.

00:17:35.000 Like what culture like decides is beautiful.

00:17:38.000 Well, yeah, it's also like different in the world currently.

00:17:42.000 Like you go fucking thousands of miles across the world and it's completely different.

00:17:47.000 Yeah.

00:17:47.000 And it's still now.

00:17:49.000 Which is crazy to me.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 Yeah.

00:17:51.000 Yeah.

00:17:51.000 Now.

00:17:52.000 2014.

00:17:53.000 There's a chick in Africa walking around with a giant plate on her lip. 1.00

00:17:56.000 And some dude's like, oh man, I want to fuck that girl. 1.00

00:17:58.000 Look at that plate.

00:17:59.000 I could put my food on her plate and fuck her at the same time. 1.00

00:18:03.000 But if it were us here, we would be like, oh, yeah, it'd be too hard to fuck her. 1.00

00:18:08.000 She's got a plate with her.

00:18:09.000 But imagine if that became hot.

00:18:11.000 Imagine if that, I mean, if it became hot anywhere, if it became like a style anywhere, it could be a style anywhere else.

00:18:18.000 It just needs to catch.

00:18:20.000 Right.

00:18:20.000 Yeah, it's all what we fucking made up.

00:18:23.000 I mean, like, it used to be where girls who were very fair-skinned were hot because that meant they were rich and they were indoors and fucking that was awesome. 1.00

00:18:31.000 And then it was, and the, and the workers got all tan because they were outside.

00:18:31.000 Yeah.

00:18:34.000 But then it was like, oh, fucking tan chicks are hot because they have a lot of money because they go vacation. 1.00

00:18:40.000 Yeah.

00:18:41.000 And then the fair girls were not hot. 1.00

00:18:43.000 And then it turned around again.

00:18:43.000 Right.

00:18:44.000 Yeah.

00:18:45.000 Where it's like, well, that girl doesn't want cancer. 0.99

00:18:47.000 So she's got the money to know and have the skincare. 1.00

00:18:50.000 But it's like, we're just making that shit up with our minds.

00:18:54.000 Yeah.

00:18:55.000 Like, I used to date a girl who used to tan a lot. 1.00

00:18:58.000 And I had to talk to her.

00:18:59.000 I go, you know, you're not, you don't look better when you're tanned.

00:19:02.000 Right.

00:19:03.000 You look great when you're pale.

00:19:04.000 It's just you look different.

00:19:05.000 That's all it is.

00:19:06.000 It's not bad.

00:19:07.000 Like, it's all in your head.

00:19:08.000 Like, some girls would be like, I can't go outside. 1.00

00:19:10.000 I'm not tanned.

00:19:10.000 I know.

00:19:11.000 Yeah, I don't.

00:19:12.000 And how about like girls that are tan? 0.99

00:19:15.000 Like Filipino girls would be like, I can't. 1.00

00:19:17.000 I'm so, I need to get tan.

00:19:19.000 You're like, you are, like, you got that.

00:19:21.000 You're brown. 1.00

00:19:22.000 You're lucky.

00:19:23.000 You don't have to do that shit and get cancer.

00:19:25.000 Well, even weirder, there's a lot of Filipinos that take this stuff called glutathione. 1.00

00:19:31.000 It's an amino acid, but they have it injected in their skin somehow to lighten their skin tone.

00:19:37.000 Yeah.

00:19:38.000 Like permanently lighten their skin tone.

00:19:40.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:19:41.000 I don't know, man.

00:19:42.000 There's like a whole procedure involving this glutathione stuff where it's very common with Filipinos, apparently.

00:19:49.000 Chicks will, yeah, it's just kind of, they'll just do whatever to make themselves look whatever. 1.00

00:19:54.000 But then there's dudes that do that too, and that's just absolutely not.

00:19:58.000 Yeah.

00:19:59.000 There's certain things that dudes do that like immediately I can't talk to them.

00:20:02.000 Like if you're waxing your eyebrows, we have nothing to say to each other.

00:20:06.000 Yeah.

00:20:07.000 If you have two earrings, really.

00:20:09.000 If you have a unibrow and you want to like get that unibrow trimmed, I get that.

00:20:13.000 I get that.

00:20:14.000 That's fine.

00:20:14.000 But if you have like sculpted eyebrows, you can go fuck yourself.

00:20:18.000 I can't talk to you, dude.

00:20:19.000 Absolutely.

00:20:22.000 You're trying too hard, man.

00:20:23.000 Yeah, there is...

00:20:32.000 Right, right, right.

00:20:33.000 Like, just let it go or have it not at all.

00:20:36.000 Yeah, like, especially if you have like stripes.

00:20:38.000 Well, shave.

00:20:39.000 Of course that.

00:20:40.000 I mean, honestly, if you're a fucking like, you know, fighter or some shit, and you're just like, I'm going to put lines in my beard because I'm crazy to be fucking to then fine.

00:20:52.000 But if you're just like a guy and you work at crate and barrel and you're just like, dude, it's fucking on with my sideburns.

00:21:02.000 Yeah.

00:21:03.000 What are you doing?

00:21:04.000 Yeah, there's a lot of work involved in that.

00:21:07.000 Just you're peacocking.

00:21:08.000 You know, Callum was talking about this once in a book he read about a reason why men disdain men who wear a lot of jewelry.

00:21:08.000 Yeah.

00:21:16.000 And then it goes back to the hunting days that men who would wear like shiny, flashy things, they would distract animals.

00:21:25.000 Like they would be a problem on hunting journeys.

00:21:28.000 And the same thing with men who talk too much.

00:21:31.000 Like men were like, if you look at like movies where there's a hero and the hero is like someone to be looked up to, they're always very stoic.

00:21:42.000 Quiet.

00:21:42.000 Yeah.

00:21:42.000 Very quiet.

00:21:43.000 Very collected and quiet.

00:21:44.000 They know how to stay calm.

00:21:45.000 They keep their shit together.

00:21:46.000 Because those are qualities valued in hunting parties.

00:21:50.000 That's crazy.

00:21:51.000 But it makes sense.

00:21:51.000 Isn't it weird?

00:21:53.000 Which is like with women, the difference in the way women communicate with each other and the difference between the way men communicate with each other. 0.85

00:22:01.000 Like men value stoicism.

00:22:03.000 Men value a guy who can keep his shit together when the chips are down.

00:22:08.000 But when women would be gathering and making food and shit, when men were off being quiet and sneaking up on animals, the women would be talking all kinds of shit about the men. 1.00

00:22:18.000 This motherfucker's going, he's running around out there hunting with his beads on and shit.

00:22:23.000 Scared out all the demons.

00:22:25.000 You know, like that's the reason why the culture of females, the culture of men, it has to do with hunting and gathering. 1.00

00:22:32.000 Yeah, that's fucking crazy and deep.

00:22:34.000 But what about then you get the movies with the female characters that are common, collected, and cool?

00:22:39.000 Yeah, those are fiction.

00:22:40.000 Yeah, I mean, okay.

00:22:42.000 But, I mean, it's all fiction, but then that, yeah, and then I'll watch that and be like, come on.

00:22:47.000 Well, there's movies.

00:22:49.000 But then I feel like I'm sexist.

00:22:51.000 You are.

00:22:53.000 But not because of that.

00:22:56.000 I am too.

00:22:57.000 But not really.

00:22:58.000 I mean, look, it's more realistic than sexist.

00:23:02.000 It's not saying that those possibilities don't exist.

00:23:05.000 They can absolutely exist.

00:23:06.000 But the reality is most of the time they don't.

00:23:10.000 I think there's, you know what anthropomorphism is?

00:23:12.000 It's like we put human characteristics to animals, like Yogi Bear and shit.

00:23:17.000 We give them a human...

00:23:20.000 I think we also do that with gender.

00:23:30.000 Like Brian Holtzman, you know Brian Holtzman?

00:23:32.000 Brian Holtzman had this fucking bit that he was doing about Charlie's Angels when Charlie's Angels came out and Drew Barrymore was kicking people and knocking them out.

00:23:42.000 And he goes, it's a fucking woman. 1.00

00:23:45.000 He goes, it's a fucking woman. 1.00

00:23:46.000 She's not beating up nobody.

00:23:48.000 Come here.

00:23:49.000 Come here.

00:23:50.000 And he goes, if that was my woman and she thought she was going to go out there, fight crime, I'd beat her fucking ass. 1.00

00:23:56.000 I'd beat her fucking ass right in the house. 1.00

00:23:57.000 You're a woman.

00:23:59.000 That guy's truly funny.

00:24:01.000 He's hilarious.

00:24:02.000 He's one of the most hilarious guys that, for whatever reason, never made it.

00:24:06.000 And, you know, I mean, I got to get him on the podcast if anybody.

00:24:10.000 Yeah, you definitely should.

00:24:11.000 He's just like, but he'll also go, he would go up at like 1 a.m. and walk the room.

00:24:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:16.000 But, but the 17 people that stayed would be crying.

00:24:19.000 Yeah.

00:24:20.000 Crying.

00:24:22.000 I'll never forget.

00:24:23.000 Sorry.

00:24:23.000 He had this bit, the Brian Holtzman bit that I always quote about Susan Smith after she drowned her kids.

00:24:30.000 Remember that woman?

00:24:31.000 The woman who pretended somebody else did it.

00:24:35.000 He went on stage like a week after this happened.

00:24:38.000 He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard they were bad kids.

00:24:42.000 They sat that close to the TV.

00:24:43.000 They didn't put away their blocks.

00:24:45.000 Oh, wow.

00:24:45.000 They were always spilling the milk.

00:24:47.000 Those kids will not be missed.

00:24:48.000 Oh, my God.

00:24:50.000 But it's funny the way he does it.

00:24:51.000 It's weird.

00:24:52.000 Yeah.

00:24:53.000 Oh, it's awful.

00:24:54.000 It is awful.

00:24:55.000 It's awful, but it's hilarious.

00:24:57.000 Yeah.

00:24:58.000 Do you remember when there was that Florida?

00:25:01.000 Do you remember?

00:25:02.000 There was a really cheap airline that I forget what it was, Express Air or something like that, some Airbus.

00:25:09.000 It was like a really cheap airline, and they went down the Everglades.

00:25:13.000 And he had this hilarious bit about trying to walk his dog, and there's fucking body parts washing up on the shore.

00:25:22.000 And these people with their fucking cheap airline tickets.

00:25:27.000 His anger and disdain was at these fucking people too stupid to buy a regular airplane ticket.

00:25:33.000 And now he had to deal with it.

00:25:34.000 I'm trying to walk my dog.

00:25:36.000 I'm trying to walk my dog.

00:25:37.000 My dog's picking up feet and shit.

00:25:39.000 That's funny.

00:25:40.000 You had to see it.

00:25:41.000 I'm not doing the guys material any justice.

00:25:44.000 But yeah, he's one of those guys.

00:25:45.000 Yeah.

00:25:48.000 Yeah.

00:25:49.000 I don't know where the fuck he is.

00:25:50.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:25:51.000 He was a meter maid. 0.99

00:25:52.000 Oh, that's right.

00:25:53.000 Yeah.

00:25:54.000 He actually looks like he would be a meter maid. 0.99

00:25:56.000 We'd be like, this fucking guy. 0.64

00:25:58.000 And you'd be like, what does this guy do?

00:26:00.000 What does this guy do besides this?

00:26:02.000 And the answer is he fucking goes on stage.

00:26:03.000 That's crazy.

00:26:04.000 Well, it didn't make any sense because he was so good.

00:26:08.000 He was so good, yeah.

00:26:09.000 Yeah, like, I'm like, how are you not like?

00:26:11.000 But what led him to be so good was like he had the stage.

00:26:16.000 His stage was the store.

00:26:17.000 He very rarely did anywhere but the store.

00:26:19.000 Yeah, he would do the Laugh Factory sometimes.

00:26:21.000 Yeah, and it didn't feel right.

00:26:22.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:26:24.000 He would be up there with Joe Coy and shit.

00:26:26.000 I know, right.

00:26:28.000 Everybody's bubbly.

00:26:30.000 People were so happy.

00:26:31.000 And then fucking Travis Bickel would come up, the real life Travis Bickel, and just people would be like, oh no, this is not for me.

00:26:40.000 Yeah, there's those guys that everybody knows and everybody remembers that, you know, are like, you know, what you would call comics comic.

00:26:48.000 Yeah.

00:26:48.000 You know, it's like for comics, those are the guys.

00:26:50.000 Like, if you ask a lot of comics to go to the store, who's like your 10 favorite comics ever?

00:26:54.000 A lot of them are going to say Holtzman.

00:26:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:57.000 Well, Brody's like that, you know?

00:26:58.000 Yes.

00:26:58.000 Yeah.

00:26:59.000 But Brody's catching on at least.

00:27:00.000 He's got a Communication show.

00:27:02.000 HBO?

00:27:02.000 Yeah.

00:27:03.000 What is it?

00:27:03.000 HBO, Communicentral?

00:27:04.000 Communication.

00:27:05.000 But the internet can help you do that.

00:27:06.000 When Holtzman was, you know, young, there was no internet.

00:27:09.000 So it's like now people can find what they want.

00:27:09.000 Yeah.

00:27:12.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:27:14.000 Well, it's also true that you used to need a network.

00:27:17.000 Like we were talking about this before the podcast started.

00:27:20.000 You used to need a network.

00:27:22.000 You used to need someone to come along and say, hey, you are the guy.

00:27:26.000 We're going to put you as the star of our show.

00:27:29.000 You're going to be this guy.

00:27:30.000 But now all you have to do is have like a funny video on YouTube.

00:27:33.000 And then everybody goes, who's that guy?

00:27:35.000 And then they send it to their friends at work.

00:27:37.000 And next thing you know, it's passed around to the office.

00:27:40.000 And the next thing you know, like look at Russell Peters.

00:27:43.000 Russell Peters became gigantic, not because of television, because of fucking YouTube.

00:27:48.000 Russell Peters sells out the O2 Arena in London, two shows in a row.

00:27:54.000 That's like 18,000 fucking seats or something like that.

00:27:58.000 I mean, he's gigantic.

00:27:59.000 And that's all because just because he was funny.

00:28:03.000 Nobody picked him.

00:28:04.000 Nobody, you know, and that can happen now.

00:28:07.000 But when Holtzman was around, especially when Holtzman started, it just didn't exist.

00:28:12.000 No network guy would be like, hey, you be on my sitcom.

00:28:12.000 Yeah.

00:28:16.000 You be the lead.

00:28:17.000 You would never take the chance.

00:28:18.000 No way.

00:28:19.000 You took the chance with that guy.

00:28:20.000 Who knows what the fuck he would do?

00:28:22.000 You know, like we were talking about guys getting in trouble for saying things off their show.

00:28:29.000 Off their show on stage as a comedian.

00:28:31.000 Yeah, I remember the rumor was, I don't know if it was substantiated or not, but that ABC had told Tim Allen to stop doing stand-up while he was doing homework.

00:28:40.000 Really?

00:28:41.000 Yeah.

00:28:41.000 Wow.

00:28:42.000 Well, he was on this huge sitcom and his stand-up, even though...

00:28:49.000 Back then, yeah.

00:28:51.000 What did he talk about, though?

00:28:52.000 He would talk about being a man.

00:28:54.000 Yeah, but apparently, like, people could think that it was sexist or it could be too harsh for a family show.

00:29:01.000 Because, like, that was the other thing with Bob Sagitt.

00:29:03.000 Bob Sagat had this super family show, and he's real dirty.

00:29:06.000 Right.

00:29:07.000 Like, he didn't do stand-up at all while he was on that show at all.

00:29:10.000 Yeah, I guess he didn't, huh?

00:29:11.000 No.

00:29:12.000 They must have.

00:29:13.000 Well, also, he was getting so much money.

00:29:15.000 Maybe he just didn't feel the need to do it.

00:29:17.000 Probably.

00:29:18.000 I mean, it probably had something to do with his willingness to say yes.

00:29:23.000 Right.

00:29:23.000 Yeah.

00:29:24.000 I don't know, man.

00:29:24.000 I mean, I, but that, to me, it's like I've gotten everything from stand-up.

00:29:30.000 So to not do that is just weird to me.

00:29:33.000 Like, I can't wait to get off set and go on stage.

00:29:36.000 When I was on news radio.

00:29:37.000 But did you, you did it?

00:29:38.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:38.000 You did stand-up.

00:29:39.000 Always.

00:29:39.000 Always, right?

00:29:40.000 Never stopped.

00:29:41.000 I did get lazy, though.

00:29:42.000 There was a time in the early 90s when I first got on television, like 94, 95.

00:29:50.000 I did fuck all with my act.

00:29:53.000 Oh, really?

00:29:54.000 I just did what you do.

00:29:55.000 Did the jokes that I had been doing for years, and I didn't write at all.

00:29:59.000 For how long?

00:30:01.000 At least a year.

00:30:03.000 Maybe more.

00:30:04.000 And then one day, some of the writers from News Radio came to see me at the store, and I had a late-night spot and I ate dick.

00:30:04.000 Maybe more.

00:30:11.000 Really?

00:30:11.000 Ooh, it was ugly.

00:30:14.000 Yeah.

00:30:14.000 Really?

00:30:16.000 I'd love to see you eat dick. 1.00

00:30:17.000 That's crazy.

00:30:18.000 I went down, dude.

00:30:23.000 And it was in front of somebody I respected, a couple of people that I respected, and it just wasn't good.

00:30:27.000 And I realized that I had been coasting.

00:30:30.000 I was like, God, this is not good.

00:30:32.000 A few moments in my career, the real standout eat dick moments, like there'd been some bad sets along the way, but there's a few standout, really eat plates of shit moments, you know?

00:30:45.000 But those moments made me way better.

00:30:48.000 And that happened to me, that moment of eating dick in front of those writers at the comedy store, in the main room, late night.

00:30:55.000 The crowd was dead.

00:30:57.000 Already bad, yeah.

00:30:58.000 There was no one there.

00:30:59.000 I mean, there might have been, plus the writers, there might have been 30 other people, and they were scattered throughout the room, maybe 50 maximum.

00:31:07.000 I don't even think 50.

00:31:08.000 It started out a full house, you know.

00:31:11.000 And then as the show goes on, I got on at like probably one o'clock in the morning or something like that.

00:31:15.000 It was just dead.

00:31:16.000 But you were on this show already, right?

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:19.000 So how did you have such a late spot?

00:31:21.000 I always had late spots.

00:31:22.000 They always gave me late spots.

00:31:23.000 Yeah.

00:31:23.000 Well, when I first got on news radio, I was a non-paid regular.

00:31:27.000 Mitzi used to put me on after the show was over.

00:31:31.000 So I would go on like after Mancia.

00:31:34.000 It's like when nobody knew who Mancia was.

00:31:36.000 But actually, I think he might have already gotten an HBO special by then.

00:31:40.000 I was like 94.

00:31:41.000 But my point was that at one point in time, the executive producer, he actually said to me, he goes, why are you still doing stand-up?

00:31:50.000 You're an actor now.

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:52.000 People don't get that.

00:31:53.000 People think that when you do stand-up, it's to make it.

00:31:56.000 And you're like, oh, and then when you make it, you're like, you did it, dude.

00:31:58.000 You graduated.

00:31:59.000 Yeah.

00:32:00.000 That's the, that's what, that's you, though.

00:32:04.000 That's you.

00:32:04.000 That's your job.

00:32:05.000 That, to me, that's what I, like, that's why I say when I don't understand when comedians who have a show apologize for some shit they did.

00:32:12.000 Right.

00:32:13.000 Because it's like, that's, in a way, that's disrespecting who you are.

00:32:17.000 Unless you really feel bad about it.

00:32:19.000 Oh, yeah, of course.

00:32:20.000 If you're like, yeah, you know, I mean, you know, whatever, whatever it is, fuck this, fuck that.

00:32:24.000 And then you're like, oh, well, I shouldn't have said that.

00:32:26.000 And you mean that and you feel bad, then fine.

00:32:28.000 But the thing is, we're, you know, to be a comedian means you're somebody who people are going to go to see jokes.

00:32:34.000 And if you are telling jokes and then somebody gets offended and then you say you're sorry, I didn't mean that, I shouldn't have said that, then what you're saying is you're kind of serious.

00:32:43.000 You were kind of serious on stage when you said that.

00:32:46.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:32:48.000 To just be like, well, no, I'm not sorry because I was joking and I'm sorry you feel that way.

00:32:53.000 Yeah.

00:32:54.000 But I'm not sorry for making a rape joke or whatever because it was a joke.

00:32:58.000 I was trying to fucking be funny.

00:32:59.000 Right.

00:33:00.000 That's why the only thing worse than what, what was that, Michael Richard, Michael Richards?

00:33:06.000 That was terrible.

00:33:07.000 It did not seem like a joke at all.

00:33:09.000 It seemed real as fuck.

00:33:10.000 Well, were you around back then?

00:33:13.000 I was like an open micer at the Ha Ha Cafe when that shit happened.

00:33:17.000 And I kind of knew Frasier Smith a little bit because he was who was hosting that night, you know?

00:33:23.000 And I was like, oh, wow, Frasier was hosting that night.

00:33:27.000 And when that happened, when you saw that, like, there's nobody in the right mind that would have seen what went down with Michael Richards on stage and been like, oh, no, he was joking around.

00:33:35.000 Well, Michael Richards is the exact opposite because Michael Richards started out as an actor.

00:33:41.000 Right.

00:33:41.000 Got super famous and then tried to be a comedian.

00:33:44.000 Right.

00:33:45.000 That's tough.

00:33:46.000 That's real fucking tough.

00:33:48.000 That's way harder.

00:33:49.000 It's way fucking harder.

00:33:51.000 You know, Charlie Murphy did that too.

00:33:52.000 Oh, he did?

00:33:54.000 Yeah.

00:33:55.000 Charlie Murphy was an actor for his entire career, then got on Chappelle Show.

00:34:00.000 And then when he was on Chappelle Show, everybody wanted him to do stand-up.

00:34:04.000 And then he started doing stand-up like headlining.

00:34:06.000 Wow, that's, I can't fucking imagine that.

00:34:09.000 He's got balls.

00:34:10.000 Charlie Murphy has giant fucking iron balls.

00:34:15.000 I don't know him.

00:34:17.000 But yeah.

00:34:18.000 Michael Richards.

00:34:19.000 But what happened with Michael Richards was then when he went on to Letterman to apologize, it was even worse.

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:25.000 I mean, he was talking about the war in Iraq.

00:34:28.000 It was like, dude, just say you're sorry or whatever.

00:34:32.000 And then he said something, he called black people blacks, which just sounds, you're like, yeah, you're so out of touch.

00:34:39.000 Just blacks. 1.00

00:34:40.000 Especially if you say the blacks. 0.97

00:34:42.000 It was just, it was just, all you had to do was be like, yo, I was.

00:34:47.000 Look, we've all been in that situation as a comedian where something goes wrong and you're like, and you, and you push the envelope.

00:34:53.000 And, and, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

00:34:57.000 Like, I remember one time a lady mouthed off at me in the audience and I called her a cunt a bunch of times, okay? 0.99

00:35:04.000 Whether or not I feel like I should have done that, the point is, is I'm, you're up there fighting for your fucking life, man.

00:35:13.000 And if you fuck up, so be it.

00:35:17.000 This is a safe place.

00:35:18.000 You're a comedian and you're an entertainer.

00:35:20.000 And if they, if they try to fuck with you, you're just kind of fighting for your life.

00:35:26.000 And if somebody were to have seen that and say, oh, Chris DeLia called a woman a cunt out of context, that sounds fucking terrible.

00:35:33.000 But I was trying to be funny about it, you know?

00:35:36.000 So to just, I can't imagine, I mean, God, his apology was so bad.

00:35:36.000 Yeah.

00:35:40.000 It was so bad.

00:35:41.000 It's also you're trying to figure out how to get out of a situation on the fly.

00:35:45.000 Right.

00:35:46.000 Like when Michael Richards was on stage, the scenario was Michael Richards was on stage and these guys were heckling him.

00:35:53.000 And Michael Richards, look, he was a bad comedian.

00:35:57.000 I don't even know his stuff at all.

00:35:59.000 I never knew.

00:36:00.000 I saw it live in the flesh.

00:36:00.000 I never saw it.

00:36:02.000 He was terrible.

00:36:04.000 He would go on stage and everyone would be waiting for the funny stuff to start.

00:36:09.000 Because he's so funny in Seinfeld.

00:36:10.000 Yeah, because he's Seinfeld.

00:36:12.000 He's Kramer.

00:36:13.000 He goes on stage and he would do these Pratt falls and stumble.

00:36:18.000 Does this work?

00:36:19.000 Does this thing even work?

00:36:20.000 He would do all this crazy shit and he would fall down.

00:36:22.000 He would slip.

00:36:24.000 And it would be, you know, kind of like silly.

00:36:27.000 Like you would thought that it was going to set up some comedy.

00:36:29.000 Got it.

00:36:30.000 But it never did.

00:36:32.000 It would never go anywhere.

00:36:33.000 And so he's at the Laugh Factory and it's like a Friday night and it's late.

00:36:38.000 It's a weekend night.

00:36:39.000 It's late and he's fucking bombing and these guys are heckling.

00:36:44.000 They're heckling him brutally.

00:36:45.000 And he just points at them and starts calling them niggers.

00:36:48.000 Like, look, there's a nigger. 1.00

00:36:49.000 There's a nigger over there. 1.00

00:36:50.000 And you're like, whoa.

00:36:53.000 I mean, Jesus.

00:36:55.000 But the backstory is he was on stage at the comedy store before that.

00:37:01.000 He went and did a spot at the store and then did a spot at the factory.

00:37:04.000 And he was coked out of his gourd on stage at the store.

00:37:08.000 Oh, I didn't even know about this.

00:37:10.000 Yeah.

00:37:10.000 Well, he definitely enjoys stimulants.

00:37:15.000 I guess that's not surprising.

00:37:16.000 Whether or not he absolutely does cocaine.

00:37:18.000 Can I prove that in court?

00:37:19.000 No, I cannot.

00:37:21.000 Speculation was that he was coked out of his head.

00:37:23.000 But that he was like super aggressive and confident on stage for no reason.

00:37:31.000 Cocaine confidence.

00:37:31.000 That's great.

00:37:34.000 You all need that.

00:37:34.000 And it was apparently just, it was ugly.

00:37:37.000 But he got through it without saying nigger.

00:37:39.000 He didn't went across the street.

00:37:39.000 Right, right.

00:37:40.000 He should have went home.

00:37:41.000 Yeah.

00:37:42.000 He got through.

00:37:43.000 He got through that without saying the own word.

00:37:44.000 If he didn't do that set, I mean, think about that.

00:37:47.000 His life would be insanely different right now.

00:37:50.000 He would still be doing stand-up.

00:37:52.000 He would have sitcoms.

00:37:53.000 He would be beloved.

00:37:54.000 People would be taking meetings with him.

00:37:56.000 They'd be excited to see him in a movie.

00:37:59.000 It was starting to fail, though.

00:38:00.000 It was all starting to fall apart.

00:38:02.000 Stand-up will expose you.

00:38:03.000 If you're not a stand-up, it'll expose the shit out of you.

00:38:06.000 And you have to keep sharp, too.

00:38:08.000 It's like people are like, you know, my favorite, one of my favorite hours is Eddie Murphy, you know, and people are like, he should come back, he should come back.

00:38:15.000 Dude, could you imagine coming back after 30 years of not doing it?

00:38:18.000 And getting busted with transsexual hookers? 1.00

00:38:20.000 Well, you have to talk about it.

00:38:23.000 But unless you're Jim Norton and you just completely own it.

00:38:27.000 Most people can't completely own weird, perverted shit, especially if you're a kid.

00:38:31.000 That's why you're a champ movie.

00:38:32.000 That's why you can't apologize if you're a cat.

00:38:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:35.000 Unless you really did a Kramer.

00:38:35.000 That's why.

00:38:39.000 Unless you truly feel like you fucked up. 0.85

00:38:42.000 Well, what Hayshidde could have done is he could have said, listen, I got a cocaine problem.

00:38:47.000 And I don't know if you've ever gotten cocaine, but cocaine makes an idea seem like a good idea.

00:38:52.000 That's a terrible idea.

00:38:54.000 Even people who don't do cocaine know that.

00:38:55.000 Yeah, they're aware that it's...

00:39:03.000 Here's the deal.

00:39:04.000 I'm not that good at comedy.

00:39:06.000 I'm a good comedic actor.

00:39:08.000 But as a stand-up, I'm marginal at best.

00:39:10.000 I mean, if he owned it like that.

00:39:12.000 If he had said that, it would have been like, oh, okay.

00:39:15.000 People forgot about it.

00:39:16.000 Yeah.

00:39:16.000 They really would have.

00:39:17.000 I believe that.

00:39:18.000 I think at the very least, he would have gained a lot of people's respect because it would have been like.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, like ours.

00:39:23.000 Oh, yeah, like ours.

00:39:24.000 Our respect big time.

00:39:26.000 Your peers that matter.

00:39:26.000 Your peers, yeah.

00:39:28.000 If he had done a black-only show, like if he had invited only African Americans to come to him.

00:39:35.000 Come heckle me. 0.98

00:39:37.000 Come heckle me. 0.98

00:39:38.000 Watch me get through it.

00:39:40.000 We were at the store.

00:39:41.000 I didn't see the spot that he had at the laugh actor, but we were at the store that night.

00:39:45.000 I had missed Kramer.

00:39:47.000 My spot was, I'm going to call him Kramer forever.

00:39:49.000 Fuck him.

00:39:50.000 I had missed him, and I had gone to the store just after his spot.

00:39:55.000 So I got there, and they were all talking about how bad he was.

00:39:58.000 It's like, oh, Kramer is all crooked up.

00:40:00.000 And so then we're hanging around in the parking lot.

00:40:03.000 We're hanging around in the parking lot.

00:40:04.000 And Brent Ernst comes over from the Laugh Factory.

00:40:07.000 And you know, Brent, he was like, yo, you ain't got to fucking believe what just went down to the laugh factory.

00:40:12.000 And so he starts telling us the whole story about Michael Richard going off and, you know, and dropping end bombs and the whole deal.

00:40:20.000 And we were like, whoa, I didn't think anything of it.

00:40:22.000 And then Monday morning, the video came out.

00:40:25.000 And then, you know, it was one of the very first of those videos that like catches someone doing something really fucked up. 0.74

00:40:31.000 That's the other thing, man, is that that wasn't a big thing then.

00:40:35.000 And it became a big thing then.

00:40:37.000 That was one of what you're saying, one of the first times that that happened.

00:40:39.000 That is just fucking...

00:40:51.000 I mean, how many times has something like that happened undocumented?

00:40:56.000 Oh, before that?

00:40:58.000 How many times have I done things like that undocumented?

00:41:00.000 Well, I haven't because I grew up in this fucking age.

00:41:03.000 So it's like, you're getting fucked, pal.

00:41:05.000 I know.

00:41:06.000 You're not getting fucked as much as 21-year-olds are getting fucked.

00:41:08.000 Like, they have no knowledge of any time before this.

00:41:13.000 Right.

00:41:14.000 You know, at least you being 34, you can, I mean, you kind of are watching it come to fruition as you're an adult.

00:41:22.000 And you're kind of seeing all these fuck-ups happen, like the Kramer fuck-up and all these other fuck-ups, seeing them as you're becoming a successful stand-up, like, ooh, don't do that.

00:41:32.000 Ooh, learn from that guy.

00:41:33.000 Ooh, there's a mistake I don't want to make.

00:41:35.000 But these kids, like, they don't even get that.

00:41:38.000 Like, what are you saying?

00:41:39.000 Like, they make dudes exposed.

00:41:41.000 I know, but that's the thing.

00:41:43.000 There has to be some sort of backlash where it's like, where, like, look, I think I'm a good guy.

00:41:53.000 I think I'm a good guy.

00:41:55.000 I try to be good to people.

00:41:57.000 I think my friends would say that.

00:41:58.000 You're a good guy.

00:41:59.000 You're a good guy for sure.

00:42:00.000 Well, thank you.

00:42:01.000 But I'm trying to not be braggadocious or even modest.

00:42:05.000 I'm just trying to think outside myself and think, I think I'm a good person.

00:42:08.000 Okay.

00:42:09.000 And I definitely fuck up.

00:42:11.000 There's absolutely things out there that if I were to run for some sort of office, I would be fucking buried before I even start.

00:42:19.000 There's no way.

00:42:20.000 There's no fucking way.

00:42:21.000 Even if I was really politically minded and very smart and the best candidate, there's no fucking way I would get elected because I've already done the thing that buried me and somebody's got a screenshot of it.

00:42:31.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:42:33.000 So here's the thing, though.

00:42:34.000 I think that we live in a time now where you've got to just, like, look, that shit's out there.

00:42:42.000 It's videotaped somewhere.

00:42:43.000 Somebody's got something.

00:42:44.000 I fall asleep.

00:42:46.000 Chicks fucking probably take pictures of me with all the sheets. 1.00

00:42:48.000 My dick's out.

00:42:49.000 Probably.

00:42:50.000 It probably is out there somewhere.

00:42:52.000 Probably.

00:42:53.000 You just got to be, somebody's got to come out to the, where they get exposed and they just have, and there's a video of the guy.

00:43:01.000 Are you sorry?

00:43:02.000 Did this happen?

00:43:02.000 What do you have to say about this fucking dick pic?

00:43:04.000 And you just got to be like, look, you either like me or you don't.

00:43:08.000 I fuck up.

00:43:09.000 You fuck up.

00:43:10.000 There's shit out there like this because of me, because of my stature and where I am.

00:43:16.000 And if you like me, you like me.

00:43:18.000 And if you don't, you don't.

00:43:19.000 And I'm sorry.

00:43:20.000 And subscribe to me or don't.

00:43:21.000 And a lot of it isn't even a fuck up.

00:43:23.000 I know, it's not.

00:43:24.000 I mean, think about that.

00:43:25.000 Like, if you're lying, like the scenario that you propose, if you're lying there and some chick takes a picture of your dick, that's not a fuck up, man.

00:43:31.000 No, it's not a fucking.

00:43:31.000 That's not a fuck-up.

00:43:32.000 It's not a fuck-up.

00:43:33.000 That's life.

00:43:34.000 But if that happens to a politician, he doesn't get elected.

00:43:37.000 That's true.

00:43:38.000 And that's fucking bullshit.

00:43:40.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

00:43:41.000 That's bullshit.

00:43:42.000 But I think it's only ridiculous based on the standards of the previous generations.

00:43:47.000 It's like, I think that we're judging these politicians on these previous generation standards.

00:43:52.000 And then as time goes on, look, Obama is one of the first presidents that said he did Coke and smoked wheat.

00:43:59.000 Would have never happened in the 60s or 70s.

00:44:01.000 70s, yeah.

00:44:01.000 Never.

00:44:02.000 You know, I retweeted this thing today.

00:44:04.000 It was about Nixon.

00:44:05.000 It was about Nixon during the Watergate administration or during the Watergate scandal.

00:44:10.000 Nixon brought in a bunch of generals and was testing the waters for taking over Congress and having a coup, having like a military intervention to take over.

00:44:21.000 It's really fascinating.

00:44:23.000 I don't want to misquote it or anything, but that guy, like he, his era was a different era.

00:44:32.000 Like the Nixon administration's era was a completely different era.

00:44:36.000 Like the standards that he was judged by was things that no one was exposed for anything in the past.

00:44:42.000 And so all of a sudden, he gets exposed.

00:44:45.000 The Watergate scandal happens.

00:44:47.000 He gets busted spying on other candidates.

00:44:50.000 And then he feels this.

00:44:52.000 It was also when Kent State happened, when they shot those kids that were protesting the Vietnam War.

00:44:57.000 And he was constantly worried about lefties, constantly worried about liberals and the liberals taking over the lefties and the East Coast lefties.

00:45:05.000 And he apparently had some crazy meeting with these generals.

00:45:10.000 And this is one of the guys says, I got the impression, he said, that he was sort of testing the water with us to see whether or not there would be support, any nodding of heads, or some of these other things.

00:45:24.000 One could well have come to the conclusion that here was the commander-in-chief trying to see what the reaction of the Joint Chiefs of Staff might be if he did something unconstitutional.

00:45:35.000 He was trying to find out whether or not in a crunch there would be support to keep him in power.

00:45:40.000 So if they were going to kick him out of power because of the Watergate thing, he was going to bring in the military.

00:45:45.000 Like, he was trying to test the waters.

00:45:47.000 Jesus.

00:45:50.000 But today, in that same sort of a scenario, like a guy, it's over.

00:46:00.000 You can't hide things like you could hide things then.

00:46:03.000 So he got busted, and he thought they were going to try to kick him out of office.

00:46:08.000 Nixon was a really bad guy.

00:46:10.000 It was a really bad guy.

00:46:11.000 But they were all really bad guys.

00:46:13.000 Like, probably everybody that was president was a really bad guy.

00:46:18.000 And that's how they did it.

00:46:19.000 I think the standards that people are going to be judged by are going to be very different because I don't think really bad guys are going to be able to be president in the future.

00:46:27.000 I don't think a guy like Nixon will get to a point where he could be the president and not have all the dirt on him that would be revealing illuminated long before he ever got into office.

00:46:39.000 So there's good to that.

00:46:40.000 It has to be that way.

00:46:41.000 Yeah.

00:46:41.000 There's good to that and there's bad.

00:46:43.000 Because the good thing is a guy like Nixon, like there would be enough on him before he ever got into office that no one would accept him.

00:46:51.000 Right.

00:46:52.000 Yes.

00:46:52.000 Right.

00:46:53.000 Yeah.

00:46:53.000 Totally.

00:46:54.000 But like the stuff, like the sexual stuff that people do, you know, like JFK would have never been president.

00:47:00.000 Right.

00:47:01.000 Never.

00:47:02.000 Never chance.

00:47:02.000 If there was Facebook back when JFK...

00:47:08.000 I mean, JFK was an animal.

00:47:10.000 He was a fucking animal.

00:47:12.000 He didn't care if he was married.

00:47:14.000 He didn't care.

00:47:15.000 He was going to party.

00:47:16.000 He was the goddamn president of the United States, the commander-in-chief, and he was going to get his dick wet.

00:47:20.000 That was just it.

00:47:21.000 He just did it.

00:47:22.000 That's so crazy, man.

00:47:24.000 And a president today, no chance.

00:47:27.000 Clinton was the last guy.

00:47:29.000 Yeah.

00:47:30.000 The last of the great presidential dick slingers.

00:47:33.000 That's it.

00:47:34.000 From now on, you'll be judged in a completely different way.

00:47:36.000 I don't know if that's...

00:47:39.000 Is that good?

00:47:41.000 Well, it's not.

00:47:42.000 It's good when it comes to things that aren't sexual because that affects the job.

00:47:46.000 But it's not fair to judge somebody's sexual prowess because of.

00:47:46.000 Yes.

00:47:50.000 You say prowess.

00:47:51.000 Is it prowess or is it practices?

00:47:56.000 Here's the thing.

00:47:56.000 It's not, but is it?

00:47:59.000 Because what if instead of like sex, what if it was a gambling thing?

00:48:03.000 What if he had this crazy gambling thing where you found out that, you know, hey man, Obama can't stop gambling on shit.

00:48:12.000 He gambles on everything.

00:48:13.000 Roll the dice, two roaches running across a table.

00:48:16.000 Like he'll just gamble on raindrops coming down a window.

00:48:19.000 But that arguably does affect the job.

00:48:22.000 Yeah.

00:48:22.000 You know, but I don't know if you wanting to get ass would be like, you know, what are we going to do in Gaza?

00:48:31.000 Did you see that ass? 1.00

00:48:31.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:48:32.000 But gambling could affect that.

00:48:34.000 There was thoughts that one of the things that could affect a president, if a president was like a real pussy chaser, was that someone could blackmail him. 0.92

00:48:43.000 And that if someone had some information, like say if you hired a Soviet spy was super hot to fuck him, to fuck the president, some presidential dick, and she fucks him, and then she has some dirt on him. 1.00

00:48:59.000 Pillow talk.

00:49:00.000 Pillow talks a motherfucker. 1.00

00:49:01.000 Pillow talks a motherfucker. 1.00

00:49:04.000 Yeah, that's a thing, but that's kind of more, I mean, is that really a thing?

00:49:08.000 I don't think so.

00:49:09.000 I mean, come on.

00:49:10.000 I don't know.

00:49:10.000 What hot chick around the...

00:49:13.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:14.000 Come on.

00:49:15.000 She's his.

00:49:16.000 Even when that happens in movies, I'm like, come on.

00:49:18.000 James Bunny.

00:49:19.000 Yes.

00:49:20.000 First of all, there's no hot spy.

00:49:24.000 There must be.

00:49:25.000 Well, there has to be to make it to make it for that instance, right?

00:49:32.000 I mean, to be like, we have to get you into he's a skirt chaser.

00:49:37.000 Top 10 beautiful lady spies.

00:49:39.000 Okay, let me tell you something.

00:49:40.000 Let me tell you something right now.

00:49:42.000 Nine of them are not hot.

00:49:43.000 Nine of them are not hot.

00:49:44.000 Ten of them are not hot.

00:49:45.000 How about that?

00:49:46.000 They're all disgusting.

00:49:47.000 Whoa.

00:49:48.000 Wait till you see these monsters.

00:49:50.000 Actually, I'll take that back.

00:49:51.000 That one of them.

00:49:52.000 You start getting down.

00:49:53.000 That's Joey Diaz.

00:49:54.000 There's, um, there...

00:50:00.000 And by the way, I know who Joey Diaz.

00:50:02.000 What's the link from?

00:50:04.000 Just pull that up. 0.97

00:50:05.000 Just pull that. 0.98

00:50:06.000 It's smashing lists.

00:50:08.000 Top 10 beautiful lady spies from history.

00:50:12.000 It's the first one.

00:50:13.000 Also, you never, there can't be a spy walking down the street where you're like, damn, look at that person.

00:50:19.000 There was a woman. 0.95

00:50:20.000 Her name was Anna Chapman.

00:50:21.000 She was a beautiful 28-year-old Russian with an IQ of 162. 1.00

00:50:26.000 She had a diplomatic father, a diplomat father, and a taste for the high life.

00:50:26.000 What?

00:50:26.000 Yep.

00:50:31.000 She's a Russian national.

00:50:32.000 When living in New York, United States was arrested along with a couple of others.

00:50:36.000 The title's the best.

00:50:37.000 Honey.

00:50:37.000 Look at her.

00:50:38.000 That's her? 0.97

00:50:39.000 Foreign spoke.

00:50:40.000 That's a monster.

00:50:42.000 I don't know who she is.

00:50:43.000 But this woman, Anna Chapman, is pretty hot. 1.00

00:50:46.000 She's on page two, young Jamie.

00:50:48.000 No, that other girl was not hot, too. 1.00

00:50:50.000 No.

00:50:53.000 But she was arrested along with Anna Chapman.

00:50:58.000 Yeah, she's hot as shit. 1.00

00:50:59.000 She's dirty. 1.00

00:51:00.000 Guaranteed dirty.

00:51:00.000 For sure.

00:51:01.000 Look at those eyes.

00:51:02.000 Those are dick suckers. 1.00

00:51:03.000 So she was a spy?

00:51:04.000 Yes.

00:51:06.000 So she was a Russian national while living in New York, United States, was arrested along with nine others on 27th of June, 2010.

00:51:14.000 Wow, recently.

00:51:15.000 On suspicion of working for the illegals program spy ring under the Russian Federation's External Intelligence Agency.

00:51:25.000 Chapman pleaded guilty to a charge of conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. Attorney General and was deported back to Russia.

00:51:35.000 That's it?

00:51:35.000 Just deported as a part of a prisoner swap.

00:51:38.000 And right now, she's tied to a bed somewhere in Russia.

00:51:41.000 Just fucking crap.

00:51:45.000 I wonder what she's doing today.

00:51:46.000 Damn, that bitch is hot. 1.00

00:51:47.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:51:48.000 Yeah.

00:51:49.000 Then the next one, number four.

00:51:50.000 How is she number five? 0.90

00:51:51.000 Yeah.

00:51:52.000 Yeah, well, that's about it.

00:51:54.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 Well, there's an Asian one in there, number three, that's pretty hot.

00:51:56.000 Okay.

00:51:57.000 Young, beautiful female spy during the Chinese Civil War between blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:52:03.000 I can't even read that.

00:52:06.000 K-U-O-M-I-N-T. 1.00

00:52:09.000 Kylmintang and the Communist Party. 0.58

00:52:12.000 She was only 15.

00:52:14.000 She was only 15?

00:52:15.000 Or 18?

00:52:16.000 I should put that part up first.

00:52:18.000 What?

00:52:19.000 No, that's that's the im no that's when the image wait what I don't know see right here is the whole birthright I'm confused that's ridiculous but but that picture's not that old that picture's a new picture it says 1932 32 to 1947 what does that mean I don't know what the fuck is that still from a movie yeah did she die maybe she must have

00:52:49.000 back in the oh the life and death of her has become a symbol of the courage of the chinese people is often cited as a homily h-o-m-i-l-y of their lord i don't even know what that word is what's homily i don't know i never heard that word used okay let's google it i love the internet what a weird world we live in homily is um a religious discourse that is intended primarily for spiritual edification rather than doctrinal instruction oh fuck are you using that word

00:53:19.000 for of their loyalty to communism her story is often told as an homage to the struggles endured and the sacrifices made for the cause of liberating china from the centuries of rule by foreign powers okay yeah that's one of those words that uses other words i don't know to describe it okay there's a picture of this other chick that's clearly not a real picture number two because she was from 1551 you fucks right you can't have pictures of this chick from 1551 that look like a movie still god damn it sons of bitches at least somebody draw her 0.95

00:53:49.000 nice and then matahari matahari that was in 1876 but yeah but that sounds like some old old way of thinking to be like well we can't have a president that wants to fuck a lot because a spy will get him like come on it is kind of ridiculous that sounds like that sounds ridiculous but we kind of proved our own point because the top 10 throughout history we only found one one one of them was 15 one of them was

00:54:18.000 legitimately hot and like i said she was russian right that's it so you're saying what there was one hot russian spy right so we kind of proved our point it's not really it's right yeah worried about yeah but all throughout human history there's only been 10 plus she was 28 what is she now that's his well no she's still hot she's still hot this was only four years ago yeah so she's 32 slinging 32 out there slinging well plus she was already caught so she's fucked yeah we know about her now maybe maybe she got a

00:54:48.000 raise you know in russia they brought her back to russia she's probably goddamn hero i'm yeah where is she today let's find out if that were really a thing i think people would i mean maybe we don't know about it but people would be like raising hot spies that's true i mean that there why are there's no way we wouldn't do that dude she's even hotter than that picture there's like if you go to google images whoo yeah she was smoking look at this she's probably gonna be a maximum oh yeah totally she's here

00:55:18.000 that's from that's from stuff magazine yeah she's uh got these long red gloves on this hot lingerie look at this one yeah by the way if you're a spy don't take fucking pictures like that this whole thing doesn't make sense she was pretending to not be a spy dude she's pretending to just be hot but just stay out of the fucking light okay come on son look at that that's really really sexy with the gun i mean come on jesus not a spy the

00:55:47.000 picture should say under it not a spy hold it right up to her head while you bang her dirty girl that's crazy yeah there's a lot of dirty pictures of her somebody should have known yeah she was on maxim yeah see this she was on russian maxim right it's like not really maxim yeah maxim don't really count russia maxim yeah wonder where she's at today let's see anna chapman today i bet she's got a good gig somewhere in russia she's probably got a podcast she 0.78

00:56:17.000 probably does one woman show explaining how she trick stupid american just by dressing sexy yeah she refuses to discuss it okay like a true spy yeah refuses 1.00

00:56:32.000 to just oh interesting pretty well she's connected somehow to edwards to snowden oh wow there was a recent tweet proposing marriage to edwards snowden that's real yeah she proposed marriage to snowden she wants i want him to marry me so i can double spy spy on america from russia i spy again and again and again i'm a very private discreet person not that private she's on

00:57:02.000 twitter many interviews is she on twitter i thought she just said yeah you said there's a tweet about it she's got a twitter page that's what yeah but i thought like maybe like somebody else put oh got it let's find out anna chapman twitter spies need to work on their social networking and the chapman on twitter at least to tweet alibis you can tweet alibis put up a twit pic while you're somewhere else yep if i went to her twitter page and she followed me i would panic but i'm following her are you blocked nope

00:57:32.000 have you ever gotten to someone's page and found you're blocked like oh shit no no no um are you astounded by uh like the like social media has become very strange and uh like twitter and oh everything on her page is all in russian this is kind of wild yeah but yeah she's uh free and clear all sexy pictures all over the place um like uh instagram you go to

00:58:02.000 like you you had a funny poet but like you're like how are you a girl and you have an instagram page and you don't have a hundred thousand followers how's that happen how's that happen i went to a girl's page and it was just her doing yoga it was her ass like her in yoga jeans she had two million fucking followers on instagram yeah i was walking by in 0.84

00:58:24.000 i was in las vegas or some shit i don't know and there was a poster it was like come see instagram sensation yada yada and it was just some chick that's crazy man girls would rather be uh tens on instagram than in real life oh yeah they would be because they just want to shut the shit out of the They want the followers, and then you get the followers for having an ass. 1.00

00:58:43.000 And let me ask you something.

00:58:45.000 And then what?

00:58:46.000 And then what?

00:58:48.000 That's a good question because there was an article in one of those New York magazines that was all about this woman who was an Instagram fitness sensation. 0.99

00:58:57.000 They didn't say it, but it was just because she had a fantastic ass. 1.00

00:59:02.000 It was just incredible.

00:59:03.000 They were just talking about her lovely figure.

00:59:05.000 It's her big, juicy fucking boude. 1.00

00:59:05.000 It's not her figure. 1.00

00:59:09.000 And they were talking about all these projects that they're putting together, and there was a media team behind her, and they were going to market her.

00:59:15.000 How fucking, because of an ass. 0.87

00:59:17.000 Yeah, just because of a body part.

00:59:20.000 A big, fleshy body part that carries through a lot of fat hips so that you could give birth easy and fat so that you could sustain the pregnancy. 1.00

00:59:27.000 And that's fine, but then when a girl posts a picture of her from behind and it's like, you know, some quote, inspiration shit, and you're just like, no.

00:59:39.000 I know they have millions of comments on their fucking thing, but I'll still comment no.

00:59:46.000 I will.

00:59:47.000 You'll just say no.

00:59:49.000 No.

00:59:49.000 Or 100% no.

00:59:51.000 All right.

00:59:52.000 100% no.

00:59:53.000 Because it's not okay.

00:59:56.000 It's not okay.

00:59:56.000 You can do it, but then you're an asshole.

00:59:59.000 There's nothing funnier than when you go to a girl's page, whether it's Instagram or Twitter, and there's just a plethora of images of her in sexy positions, their ass out, in her underwear and bikinis, doing selfies. 0.97

01:00:11.000 And then there's a quote about men needing to respect boundaries.

01:00:15.000 That's, yeah, that's something that's just like, no.

01:00:19.000 Treating women like me.

01:00:21.000 Treating women like a sex object. 0.84

01:00:22.000 You're crazy.

01:00:24.000 That would be like if I fucking, that would be like if I took a bunch of peanut butter, put it all over my eyes and face and mouth, and then said to you, dude, why does it fucking taste like peanut butter in here?

01:00:37.000 You'd be like, well, you got fucking peanut.

01:00:39.000 You wouldn't even say it.

01:00:40.000 You'd be like, oh, you're crazy.

01:00:42.000 So why don't we fucking say that about those girls? 1.00

01:00:44.000 Well, we do, kind of.

01:00:45.000 We do, kind of.

01:00:46.000 But then when we do, we're sexist.

01:00:49.000 Well, there's also, you have no hope of banging them down.

01:00:49.000 Yes.

01:00:53.000 If you're a guy.

01:00:54.000 Is that true?

01:00:55.000 I don't know.

01:00:55.000 It depends.

01:00:56.000 Yeah, you'll probably do it.

01:00:57.000 You're probably.

01:00:58.000 But if you shoot them down and then a million other guys are bombing on them.

01:01:02.000 You know what?

01:01:03.000 Those guys are fucking worse than those girls.

01:01:05.000 Those guys are traitors.

01:01:06.000 They are traitors.

01:01:07.000 Sons of bitches. 1.00

01:01:08.000 God damn it.

01:01:09.000 No, but for real, when a dude's like, hey, or when you're trying to kick it with a girl, and then some other dude's like, yo, I heard that dude's a bad dude.

01:01:19.000 Are you?

01:01:20.000 What?

01:01:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:21.000 That's the best.

01:01:22.000 I heard that dude.

01:01:23.000 He just fucking, you know, he's just out for pussy. 1.00

01:01:26.000 He doesn't even care.

01:01:27.000 He'll lie to girls. 1.00

01:01:28.000 You know what that dude usually did?

01:01:30.000 Helped you, by the way.

01:01:31.000 Yeah.

01:01:32.000 Because she's not going to be like, oh, really?

01:01:34.000 Bye.

01:01:34.000 She's not going to do that.

01:01:35.000 She's going to be like, I think I still know better.

01:01:40.000 That is a weird thing that dudes do when you do that.

01:01:43.000 Some dudes.

01:01:44.000 I would never do that.

01:01:45.000 As a matter of fact, I've been wanting, I've been trying, like, if I'm like really trying to get this girl and like she's so hot or whatever, and then and I find out she has a boyfriend and there's been situations in my life where I was like, oh, I found out a girl had a boyfriend and I found out that the boyfriend's cheating.

01:02:01.000 I would never fucking, that's them.

01:02:03.000 That's their thing.

01:02:04.000 Yeah.

01:02:05.000 To be a fucking dude is going to be like, dude, I think I'm going to do the right thing.

01:02:09.000 But really just doing it because of that Instagram ass, you're a fucking asshole.

01:02:12.000 Well, there's a lot of dudes that are fake white knights.

01:02:15.000 They're just trying to look good.

01:02:16.000 They're just trying to come off as like, I'm different than men.

01:02:19.000 I have ethics and morals and they're really important to me.

01:02:22.000 They're just trying to position themselves.

01:02:24.000 If you're a dude and your best friend is a woman, it's suspect. 1.00

01:02:32.000 It's very suspect.

01:02:33.000 Highly suspect.

01:02:35.000 Yeah, unless she's really unusual.

01:02:37.000 Well, look, there are, look, and I'm not saying that women and hot women and whoever are, I mean, they're fucking, they can be great friends, but you all, if they're hot, and even if they're not, you sometimes still want to fuck them.

01:02:53.000 And that's okay.

01:02:54.000 Right.

01:02:55.000 You know?

01:02:56.000 But guys that do have like a hot woman that's a best friend that they're not banging. 0.96

01:03:02.000 And they pretend, no, it's just totally platonic.

01:03:05.000 Like, okay.

01:03:06.000 I could never trust that guy.

01:03:08.000 Unless he has like an insanely hot wife. 1.00

01:03:13.000 Or if they used to date.

01:03:15.000 Yes, that's possible.

01:03:16.000 Yeah.

01:03:16.000 That's possible.

01:03:17.000 If they like legitimately have nothing to do with each other anymore.

01:03:20.000 Right.

01:03:21.000 Like I have exes that like I wouldn't want to sleep with, but they're hot.

01:03:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:26.000 Right.

01:03:26.000 It's over.

01:03:27.000 Yeah, it's over.

01:03:28.000 But you're still friends.

01:03:29.000 Yeah.

01:03:29.000 Friendly, yeah.

01:03:29.000 Yeah.

01:03:30.000 But they're not your best easy vacation.

01:03:32.000 No, no shit.

01:03:33.000 Fucking weird.

01:03:34.000 That's weird.

01:03:34.000 What's weird when anybody like when a guy is like working an angle and trying really hard to like position himself as better than he like position himself as being like different than every other guy.

01:03:49.000 There's a lot of guys out there that are doing really negative things.

01:03:52.000 I read this one guy's fucking Twitter page the other day.

01:03:54.000 It was amazing.

01:03:55.000 It was just like he's he might be the ultimate white knight. 0.65

01:03:58.000 I don't want to give out his Twitter page.

01:03:59.000 Yeah.

01:04:00.000 But he might be like the greatest.

01:04:02.000 If I met him, he probably has almost no blood in his veins.

01:04:05.000 His blood sugar is probably zero.

01:04:07.000 He probably faints all day long.

01:04:11.000 It was so weak.

01:04:12.000 But one of the things he said is he said, he said, although I still practice feminist, I still practice feminism, I no longer, what do you say, advertise myself as a feminist because I feel like it's up to women to decide whether or not I'm doing feminism correctly.

01:04:37.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:04:40.000 So I'll still practice feminism, but I will no longer advertise myself as a feminist.

01:04:46.000 Jesus Christ.

01:04:51.000 I actually don't even know what to say about that.

01:04:53.000 Male feminism is a very strange thing. 0.99

01:04:55.000 Not male equality specialists or equality promoters, specialists, egalitarian people who only look out for the greater good of all humanity and don't gender identify, or don't, they're not, they're not gender-specific in how they think that people should have rights.

01:05:14.000 And I think that's, I think equality is a beautiful thing.

01:05:18.000 I mean, when it comes to how people are treated and when it comes to laws, and without a doubt, that's how it should be.

01:05:25.000 But this idea of male feminism, it strikes me as a bit pandering.

01:05:32.000 There's a little bit of pandering going on.

01:05:33.000 There's a little bit of role-playing going on.

01:05:38.000 Absolutely.

01:05:39.000 Well, yeah.

01:05:40.000 Because a male has it in him to want to sleep with women. 0.82

01:05:46.000 So it's like that's not going away.

01:05:50.000 This guy, just because you respect a woman doesn't mean you can't see a woman and be like, damn, look at that ass.

01:06:01.000 Right.

01:06:02.000 And that's what those guys are acting like.

01:06:04.000 Like that, no.

01:06:07.000 I'm better than that.

01:06:08.000 I don't look at her as an object.

01:06:11.000 You have a midbrain.

01:06:12.000 What's a midbrain?

01:06:13.000 Well, your midbrain is like, you're reacting like a lizard.

01:06:16.000 You know what I mean?

01:06:17.000 You're like, yeah, cool.

01:06:18.000 A red, fast, red car goes by.

01:06:20.000 You're like, oh, shit.

01:06:21.000 Even if you don't physically do that, you fucking...

01:06:25.000 You notice it.

01:06:26.000 Right.

01:06:28.000 You can be fucking a girl, a beautiful girl, and then on the TV, a commercial comes on with a beautiful girl, and you'll be like, who's that? 0.74

01:06:40.000 Yes, you could be.

01:06:42.000 You're not supposed to acknowledge that.

01:06:44.000 Well, yeah, I know.

01:06:48.000 I don't think it's about that.

01:06:49.000 I think with them, it's about positioning themselves as being what...

01:06:59.000 What are the issues that men have a problem with women?

01:07:01.000 And this is just some men and some women.

01:07:03.000 These are generalizations.

01:07:04.000 But there's always like, oh, that girl's a gold digger. 1.00

01:07:07.000 She just wants a rich guy. 1.00

01:07:09.000 She wants a guy with a big dick. 1.00

01:07:11.000 She wants some big stud, some big ape. 1.00

01:07:14.000 She doesn't even realize that I'm the guy for her.

01:07:17.000 These are like issues that a lot of men have with women.

01:07:20.000 And a lot of women, the issues they have with men is, oh, he's an animal. 0.84

01:07:24.000 The guy's a savage.

01:07:25.000 He's just trying to fuck a bunch of women. 1.00

01:07:27.000 He doesn't ever want to settle down.

01:07:28.000 He doesn't want to ever have a family.

01:07:30.000 He's never going to be loyal to one woman.

01:07:32.000 And so men will position themselves as being different than every other man.

01:07:37.000 They'll come along and they'll say, I've seen the evil of, you know, male, you know, patriarchal behavior, and I just think it's not cool.

01:07:47.000 I'm a feminist. 1.00

01:07:48.000 I'm basically looking out for all women's rights, and I'm different than all women. 1.00

01:07:52.000 What you don't ever find is men who, well, I guess you could find, but it's very rarely guys who are savages who identify with being a feminist.

01:08:05.000 Like, it's not like studly, athletic, you know, pro-football players like, oh, I'm also a feminist.

01:08:12.000 Basically, you know.

01:08:13.000 It sounds funny.

01:08:14.000 Yeah.

01:08:15.000 It's guys that are like, they're not very manly.

01:08:18.000 So their shtick is, I'm going to position myself as being the solution to all these other men that are out there.

01:08:24.000 I'm socially retarded.

01:08:27.000 I'm not attractive in the traditional sense.

01:08:29.000 So what I'm going to do is just be like super ultra-sensitive and super aware of women's needs and super attentive.

01:08:37.000 And I'm just going to live my life in misery in attempt.

01:08:42.000 And I guess that works sometimes.

01:08:44.000 Because guys like that have fucking platinum albums.

01:08:44.000 I guess it works.

01:08:50.000 But do they, though?

01:08:52.000 Like, which guy?

01:08:52.000 Who are you thinking of?

01:08:53.000 Guys, get a guitar and just be like...

01:08:58.000 Well, that's what I'm saying.

01:08:59.000 Like John Mayer.

01:09:00.000 But that's what I'm saying.

01:09:00.000 And I don't know.

01:09:01.000 But he's not a feminist.

01:09:02.000 That's true.

01:09:03.000 But if that guy's just, he's constantly got a new girlfriend in the pictures.

01:09:07.000 Yeah.

01:09:07.000 Yeah, I guess you're right, though.

01:09:09.000 Yeah, I guess you're right, though.

01:09:10.000 Maybe those guys don't.

01:09:12.000 No, he's more like a romantic.

01:09:14.000 Right, right.

01:09:15.000 Like, you know, he's positioning himself as well.

01:09:18.000 But I mean, look, people position themselves.

01:09:20.000 Like, what do we do as comedians?

01:09:22.000 I mean, one of the reasons why guys got into comedy, I know one of the reasons what I loved about doing comedy is that all of a sudden girls liked me.

01:09:29.000 Like, they didn't like me when I was a fighter.

01:09:33.000 It was very rare that girls were really excited to hang out with some guy who was hanging out with sweaty dudes all day, getting kicked in the face.

01:09:41.000 It's not that attractive.

01:09:42.000 But I mean, guess you're a famous fighter, but comedians, like you could make them laugh.

01:09:49.000 And so you would work hard on being more funny, be more funny around girls, get girls to like you.

01:09:56.000 I mean, pretty much every comedian that's heterosexual has had that motivation.

01:10:00.000 Be funnier because girls like funny guys. 1.00

01:10:03.000 And when do you feel less attractive?

01:10:05.000 Have you ever taken a girl to a show and you ate dick on stage? 0.98

01:10:10.000 Yeah.

01:10:11.000 Well, that's a terrible, terrible, terrible place to be.

01:10:14.000 Yeah, I know.

01:10:14.000 Because then you have nothing.

01:10:16.000 You have what you thought was going to work.

01:10:19.000 It's less.

01:10:19.000 And it's worked.

01:10:20.000 And you're like, oh, she should have just YouTubed me.

01:10:26.000 But it's even worse because she, you know, you're worse than a guy who does nothing.

01:10:32.000 Because what you do, you're awful at.

01:10:35.000 It's not like I'm trying to find my place in this life, but I've got good features.

01:10:38.000 No.

01:10:39.000 Right.

01:10:40.000 Maybe he's got potential.

01:10:41.000 Once Chris gets his shit together, but no, you bomb on stage.

01:10:45.000 Like they saw what you do and you do it awful.

01:10:49.000 That's really fucking funny.

01:10:50.000 You're positioning yourself as like being a funny guy.

01:10:54.000 You're like, you know, hey, I'm the guy.

01:10:56.000 You want to come to me for laughs?

01:10:58.000 I'm the guy.

01:10:59.000 Some people are not that guy.

01:11:00.000 They're the guy, you want to come to me for your quality talk.

01:11:03.000 I know a lot about women's rights. 1.00

01:11:06.000 And I don't, I used to identify as a feminist, but I found that that's like insulting to actual women. 1.00

01:11:12.000 So I no longer identify as a feminist.

01:11:15.000 I will leave it up to women to decide whether or not I'm doing feminism correctly. 1.00

01:11:19.000 Amazing.

01:11:21.000 If that guy picked up a box of cookies, he would fall asleep in the middle of lifting it up.

01:11:28.000 It would fall and hit his head and die.

01:11:32.000 The shit hits the fan.

01:11:33.000 That guy's not going to be able to rebuild society.

01:11:36.000 It has to be a singer that said that.

01:11:38.000 No, no.

01:11:39.000 I think he's a comedian.

01:11:42.000 Well, you think you don't even know.

01:11:43.000 That's the problem.

01:11:44.000 It's whatever it is.

01:11:45.000 It's a disaster.

01:11:46.000 It's a bunch of people with shitty friends, and no one pulls him aside.

01:11:50.000 He goes, no, man, no.

01:11:52.000 That's the thing.

01:11:53.000 Comment on these fuckers' Instagram and just write no. 0.99

01:11:56.000 Do it.

01:11:58.000 And tag me in it so I can find that motherfucker. 1.00

01:12:00.000 And you go, no.

01:12:01.000 Matter of fact, find these dudes on Instagram.

01:12:03.000 I know a lot of you listen.

01:12:04.000 Find these dudes, these bitch made dudes on Instagram. 1.00

01:12:09.000 You comment no and you tag at Crystalia.

01:12:12.000 And I want to see these dudes.

01:12:14.000 Yeah.

01:12:15.000 So I can laugh.

01:12:16.000 Well, women position themselves as being different than other women, too. 1.00

01:12:19.000 Like, Amy Schumer's got a funny fucking sketch that she did on her show about that, about the girl who can hang. 0.99

01:12:25.000 It's like there's a girl who's like, hey, guys, I play.

01:12:29.000 Yeah, she's hilarious. 1.00

01:12:30.000 She's like, hey, guys, I love sports.

01:12:32.000 You know, come on.

01:12:33.000 You know, bitches are a fucking pain in the ass. 1.00

01:12:36.000 I'm tired of bitches. 1.00

01:12:37.000 I'll hang out with you guys.

01:12:38.000 And they'll position themselves as being different than all these other women that want a certain thing from a guy. 1.00

01:12:45.000 You know, like I knew this one chick, and she had no female friends, like none. 1.00

01:12:51.000 But she was DTF all day. 0.93

01:12:54.000 She was down to fuck everybody. 1.00

01:12:56.000 And that was her thing.

01:12:57.000 She had all male friends.

01:13:00.000 And, you know, she had boyfriends, she always banged other dudes. 1.00

01:13:02.000 Well, she had boyfriends.

01:13:03.000 I mean, this chick was just always, but that was her hustle. 1.00

01:13:07.000 Her hustle was that she was, you know, one of the guys.

01:13:11.000 You know, and that's how she got all these guys to like, and she sort of morphed.

01:13:15.000 You know, I mean, kind of, that's kind of what she liked.

01:13:18.000 But really, when you would get to know her, what you really wanted was like a real steady relationship.

01:13:25.000 But guys, she had gotten in that trap where guys didn't take her seriously because she was banging guys while she had other boyfriends. 0.53

01:13:32.000 And it was always like chaos.

01:13:33.000 And where's the cigarette?

01:13:34.000 I got to get out of here.

01:13:35.000 I got to go.

01:13:36.000 I'm late.

01:13:37.000 You know, people, they get in that position where their whole life is like a constant, I'm late.

01:13:42.000 Fuck my life.

01:13:42.000 I got to go.

01:13:43.000 Fuck my life.

01:13:46.000 That was this chick. 0.99

01:13:47.000 She was just, it was always like, oh, Bobby thinks I'm fucking Steven.

01:13:51.000 She's like, it's all bullshit.

01:13:52.000 Steven and I have been friends for years.

01:13:53.000 I told him, well, are you fucking Steven?

01:13:55.000 I've been fucking Steven for like 10 years.

01:13:58.000 We went to college together.

01:13:59.000 It's like, not even, I mean, it's like, you know, he comes over and sometimes we're both horny.

01:14:04.000 Like, oh my God, you're crazy.

01:14:05.000 But her hustle was she was different than all the other girls. 0.75

01:14:08.000 She was like just one of the guys.

01:14:10.000 She could hang.

01:14:13.000 But she deep down inside wanted a committed relationship.

01:14:15.000 Of course.

01:14:16.000 But no guy wanted to give it to her.

01:14:18.000 Well, not if she's fucking all of his friends. 0.52

01:14:20.000 People morph, man.

01:14:21.000 They morph and become who they think that other people want them to be.

01:14:26.000 That's true.

01:14:26.000 You know, whether they become a male feminist or whether they become a down ass bitch or whatever, you know, people.

01:14:33.000 And then along the way, they actually are that person.

01:14:37.000 Along the way, they actually become that person.

01:14:39.000 That becomes all they know of themselves.

01:14:43.000 Yeah, well, if it's because that's what they're, you know, it's like OJ probably thinks he didn't kill his wife.

01:14:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:14:50.000 I mean, I wonder.

01:14:50.000 I don't know.

01:14:52.000 I don't know.

01:14:52.000 That's what they say, but it's like if you the mind is fucking insane.

01:14:55.000 Yeah.

01:14:56.000 You make yourself who you want to be.

01:14:58.000 I think it's totally possible that he really believes at this point.

01:15:01.000 Yeah, I don't know if he does or does.

01:15:03.000 It's completely possible, though.

01:15:04.000 I mean, people have been way crazier than that, right?

01:15:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:07.000 That's just crazy.

01:15:08.000 That's not super duper crazy crazy.

01:15:10.000 No, it's not.

01:15:11.000 Yeah.

01:15:11.000 I mean, if you lie to yourself for fucking 10, 15, what is it, 20 years now?

01:15:15.000 93?

01:15:15.000 94?

01:15:16.000 Something like that?

01:15:17.000 Yeah, 20 years.

01:15:18.000 Yeah, 20 fucking years.

01:15:20.000 God, that flew by.

01:15:21.000 Almost 20 years.

01:15:22.000 Yeah.

01:15:23.000 People, they become like religious people. 0.78

01:15:26.000 Think about how many religious people have like almost the exact same way of talking, almost the exact same inflection.

01:15:34.000 Like how many late night preachers have the same way of talking?

01:15:38.000 They all talk about God's word in the same way.

01:15:43.000 The same way, Crystalia.

01:15:44.000 So weird.

01:15:45.000 Jesus came down with these rules.

01:15:48.000 Came down from the mountain.

01:15:50.000 But why is that that they do that?

01:15:52.000 Because it's something they adopt.

01:15:53.000 Just like a male feminist adopts sort of an emote way of talking and a more subtle way of like, I'm more like, I'm less aggressive. 1.00

01:16:03.000 It's more passive.

01:16:05.000 I'm like much, much more.

01:16:07.000 People adopt even comedians to go on stage.

01:16:11.000 Yeah.

01:16:12.000 How many guys like, you remember when there was like 10 guys that sounded exactly like David Taylor?

01:16:16.000 There was like 10 guys and everybody would just be like, they were doing a tell.

01:16:16.000 Yes.

01:16:23.000 They would go on stage and they would do a tell.

01:16:26.000 But also with sports announcers, you know, that's the here we go out again.

01:16:34.000 Side retired.

01:16:35.000 That's not, when I do that, you're not like, oh, that's that sports announcer.

01:16:38.000 You're like, that's the sports announcer guy.

01:16:40.000 Or like morning zoo DJs.

01:16:43.000 I did a tour, one of those radio tours the other day where I was promoting something.

01:16:47.000 They're the worst things ever, yeah.

01:16:49.000 They're not the worst things ever, but they are.

01:16:51.000 They're almost like North Korean prison.

01:16:55.000 That would be on the list of worst things ever.

01:16:58.000 Nice folks, I'm sure.

01:17:00.000 They're all nice individually, but when you have to do four hours of them, it's the worst.

01:17:04.000 Well, you really appreciate when you call one and it's like a good dude or a good gal.

01:17:12.000 You know how to say a good gal? 1.00

01:17:14.000 She's a good gal. 1.00

01:17:15.000 That sounds like you're just being insulting viewers as you superimpose over your face.

01:17:20.000 She's a good gal. 1.00

01:17:22.000 But, you know, I did four hours of this shit, you know, from like 6 a.m. to 10 a.m.

01:17:27.000 And I spoke to 10 people that they're the exact same person.

01:17:31.000 All right, Chris Dahlia on the lawn.

01:17:33.000 Chris DeLia's new comedy tour starts this week.

01:17:36.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:17:36.000 Yeah.

01:17:38.000 Woo! 0.99

01:17:41.000 Sound real.

01:17:43.000 And then there are questions.

01:17:44.000 So what's the deal?

01:17:46.000 When I did Undateable and I did these fucking things.

01:17:49.000 Are you undateable?

01:17:53.000 What is your fear factor?

01:17:55.000 That's what I used to get.

01:17:55.000 Oh, God.

01:17:56.000 What are you afraid of, Joe?

01:17:59.000 Because I'm sure you don't want to eat bugs, right?

01:18:02.000 No.

01:18:04.000 Now, the show's called undateable.

01:18:04.000 Now what?

01:18:06.000 You're a good-looking guy, Chris.

01:18:08.000 What's the deal?

01:18:11.000 Just what's the most undatable?

01:18:15.000 What do you find a dateable little girl? 1.00

01:18:17.000 Oh, always.

01:18:19.000 Always.

01:18:20.000 Always.

01:18:23.000 Floating shoes.

01:18:25.000 Take them out.

01:18:26.000 Or Strip Club DJ coming to the stage with Lexus.

01:18:31.000 Mercedes on stage two.

01:18:35.000 Gentlemen, $15 kamikazes.

01:18:39.000 All right, here we go, gentlemen.

01:18:40.000 Here she goes out.

01:18:41.000 Give it up for Anastasia.

01:18:43.000 And she's safe.

01:18:46.000 Next batter.

01:18:47.000 Yeah, it's, yeah, those inflections, those patterns that people choose.

01:18:54.000 They think that this is how a comedian's supposed to talk.

01:18:56.000 I'll talk like that, and then I'll be a comedian.

01:18:59.000 Like, I don't know if you did it, but a lot of comedians do it when they're starting out.

01:19:03.000 I had a real problem where I would mimic other comedians, and I would catch myself sounding like a- Well, if you watch too much, or if you're like, you know, in the beginning, you're like, I like that guy, you know, and then you go on stage, but you figure it out if you do it enough.

01:19:17.000 Yes.

01:19:19.000 It's like reading one author and just siding with him.

01:19:22.000 And then you're like, wait, there's other books out there.

01:19:24.000 You got to read them all and then come with your own opinion.

01:19:26.000 You're talking about Brian County.

01:19:26.000 Yeah.

01:19:27.000 100%.

01:19:27.000 Yes, I am.

01:19:29.000 We were talking about that earlier.

01:19:31.000 Motherfucker will get on.

01:19:33.000 He will read a book.

01:19:34.000 And he probably doesn't even read the book.

01:19:36.000 He reads like one chapter.

01:19:37.000 It's an amazing book.

01:19:38.000 You have to read this.

01:19:40.000 And he basically figures out life.

01:19:43.000 And you're like, wait a minute.

01:19:44.000 Do you know that guy's crazy?

01:19:46.000 And I'll start sending him like debunk things.

01:19:48.000 Do you know that guy like disagrees with Nobel Prize winning scientists that he misquotes their work?

01:19:54.000 And I'll send him like all this fucking, Brian and I got in this huge argument once because he kept quoting this asshole that he had on his podcast.

01:20:01.000 So in the middle of the conversation, because I saved this on my phone because I was tired of having this conversation with him, I just start reading off all the different things where this guy has lied and said things wrong.

01:20:11.000 And you see him slowly get deflated.

01:20:12.000 I go, do you ever just Google debunked after that guy's name?

01:20:19.000 Just whatever guy you're doing.

01:20:20.000 Is that what you do?

01:20:21.000 Yes, I do that with everybody.

01:20:22.000 I do that with everybody now that I have as a guest.

01:20:24.000 I had this one guy on named Dave Asprey.

01:20:26.000 And this guy is a nice guy.

01:20:30.000 He's a little Asperger-y. 0.97

01:20:31.000 And he said a bunch of shit.

01:20:34.000 Okay, well, why'd you have him on in the first place?

01:20:35.000 I didn't know.

01:20:36.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:20:37.000 No, I don't mean that.

01:20:37.000 I mean, what was the reason he was on the show?

01:20:39.000 He's a knowledgeable guy.

01:20:40.000 He knows a lot of shit.

01:20:41.000 About what, though?

01:20:43.000 He calls himself a biohacker.

01:20:45.000 And how did you learn about him?

01:20:46.000 I think Tate Fletcher turned me into him.

01:20:48.000 Pretty sure.

01:20:49.000 Pretty sure it was Tate.

01:20:50.000 Tate loves, he created this, well, didn't create it, but he popularized this idea of mixing coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil.

01:20:59.000 So it's like a slow burn of the caffeine.

01:21:02.000 It's a delicious beverage.

01:21:03.000 That's really all it is.

01:21:05.000 But along the way, he started promoting this type of coffee that he has that's what's called mycotoxin-free.

01:21:12.000 This is a long story that has been beaten to death on this podcast.

01:21:16.000 So I don't want to get into it too much.

01:21:19.000 But after that guy, there was so much misinformation that I felt responsible for because I put it out and I repeated the things that he had told me.

01:21:29.000 So now I Google debunked.

01:21:32.000 And a lot of times when you Google debunked, you find out a bunch of fucking crazy people don't believe in a guy.

01:21:38.000 Like if you Google me debunked, you'll find out that I'm like a CIA disinformation agent who is hiding the truth about chemtrails.

01:21:47.000 For real?

01:21:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:48.000 There's a lot of people that believe that I'm a disinformation agent and then I'm hiding the truth about chemtrails.

01:21:53.000 Chemtrails, which are the evil spraying that the government does with planes.

01:21:57.000 When you see those contrails behind planes, those are artificial clouds, Crystalia.

01:22:02.000 And those are being sprayed by the government.

01:22:05.000 The government.

01:22:08.000 Yeah.

01:22:09.000 People are out of their fucking mind.

01:22:11.000 I've been called a paid disinformation agent.

01:22:14.000 Like, they believe that I get paid.

01:22:17.000 Like, I'm waiting for my fucking checks.

01:22:19.000 First of all, I'm not getting any checks.

01:22:22.000 If I'm getting paid, it might be a lump sum at the end of my life.

01:22:26.000 But people, if you don't believe in the things that they believe in, they automatically assume that you're a government agent.

01:22:32.000 Like, I had this guy, Mick West, who was on the podcast, who he was on my sci-fi show too.

01:22:37.000 He runs this site called Metabunk, and it's all about debunking conspiracy theories.

01:22:42.000 And all people ever say is he works for the government.

01:22:44.000 This guy works for the government.

01:22:45.000 Of course.

01:22:46.000 He's a multi, multi-millionaire who sold a video game company, a super successful video game company.

01:22:54.000 He was a part of the video game company that makes like Tony Hawk videos and shit.

01:22:57.000 The dude's loaded.

01:22:58.000 And just he's into conspiracies.

01:23:01.000 He's a scientist, essentially, in a lot of ways.

01:23:04.000 I want to say he's a guy who's very educated and intellectually curious.

01:23:09.000 And so he tries to figure out what it is about people that makes them gravitate towards these unlikely scenarios that they believe that the government is spraying chemicals in the sky.

01:23:21.000 And all you hear about this guy is that he's a paid disinformation agent, which I know not to be true.

01:23:25.000 I know it's not true.

01:23:27.000 But people want to believe that kind of shit.

01:23:29.000 But it's more exciting if there's big secrets out there.

01:23:35.000 Yeah, it certainly is.

01:23:37.000 Do you ever hear that shit and you're like, I mean, like, I don't know a dick about that stuff, you know?

01:23:42.000 So when I hear, like, there's a part of me that doesn't believe, even though I know it has happened for sure, they've covered stuff up.

01:23:50.000 Like, I think, like, come on, they can't do that shit.

01:23:53.000 I think that's how much of the world is.

01:23:55.000 Well, we talked about earlier the Nixon story that's out that I tweeted today.

01:23:59.000 That's a perfect example of there is fuckery in the world. 0.96

01:24:04.000 Like, Nixon tested the waters of trying to see if there's any support for a military coup against Congress.

01:24:10.000 That stuff does happen.

01:24:12.000 Look, Watergate did happen. 1.00

01:24:14.000 They did spy on people.

01:24:16.000 They did record.

01:24:17.000 Kent State did happen.

01:24:19.000 They did hire, they did take the National Guard and make them break up student protest and shoot students.

01:24:25.000 Shoot American students, non-violent, non-armed. 0.99

01:24:29.000 They did that.

01:24:31.000 there's a lot of shit that's been done.

01:24:33.000 So I think conspiracies are real.

01:24:36.000 But I think that the problem is that most people don't go into any scenario with an open mind.

01:24:42.000 They don't really try to find out all the facts.

01:24:45.000 They have a predetermined idea that they want to, they want that conclusion to be, you know, they want it to be valid.

01:24:52.000 They want to validate their conclusion more than they want to objectively look at the truth.

01:24:58.000 Yeah, that's a fucking huge problem.

01:25:00.000 Yeah.

01:25:00.000 Oh, it's a huge problem.

01:25:02.000 Well, like, look, here's another thing.

01:25:03.000 Like, say, you were talking about, like, you're a good guy.

01:25:06.000 Right.

01:25:07.000 But if somebody wanted to find dirt on you, if they wanted to dig deep, you were the president, they could find something fucked up about you.

01:25:14.000 Well, in finding that fucked up thing about you, that one fucked up thing, they could decide, well, Chris DeLeah, he got drunk once and jerked off in this girl's hair and you fucking asshole.

01:25:25.000 They could decide he is a chronic masturbator in girls' hair while they're drunk.

01:25:30.000 Like, this is what he does.

01:25:31.000 It's all he does.

01:25:32.000 This is his whole life.

01:25:33.000 Everything else is just setting himself up so he could jerk off of people's hair.

01:25:37.000 Like, they could decide that one thing that you've done, you made a who you are all the time.

01:25:44.000 They'll find one aspect of your personality that, you know, like, maybe you did this once, or maybe you ran a red light, and they'll just say, he's a fucking reckless driver.

01:25:54.000 Red light runner.

01:25:54.000 We've got.

01:25:55.000 He's a red light runner.

01:25:56.000 This guy's an asshole. 0.70

01:25:57.000 Did you see this Tony Stewart thing?

01:25:59.000 No.

01:25:59.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:26:00.000 What happened?

01:26:00.000 Oh, no.

01:26:01.000 I ran over a guy.

01:26:02.000 He's a NASCAR driver.

01:26:04.000 And he ran over a guy.

01:26:05.000 We were talking about it on the way home.

01:26:07.000 And we were driving home from La Jolla.

01:26:09.000 We did the, not La Jolla, San Diego this weekend.

01:26:12.000 Did American Comedy?

01:26:13.000 Yeah, I know you were going there.

01:26:14.000 And as we were driving back, it was right when it was breaking, right?

01:26:18.000 And Tony Stewart, who's this big-time NASCAR driver, ran over a guy in this dirt race.

01:26:25.000 What are those called?

01:26:26.000 Sprint car, I think.

01:26:27.000 Sprint car.

01:26:29.000 They ride, there's crazy cars.

01:26:30.000 They're weird-looking cars.

01:26:32.000 They have like wings on them, and they drive around the dirt.

01:26:35.000 And he hit this guy's car.

01:26:37.000 The guy got out of the car and was yelling at Tony Stewart.

01:26:41.000 Tony Stewart ran him over with his car.

01:26:43.000 It's really fucked up.

01:26:44.000 He meant to do it?

01:26:46.000 See, that's where things get weird.

01:26:48.000 He says absolutely not.

01:26:50.000 Of course, the local cops, whoever investigated it, they're not pressing charges.

01:26:57.000 They think it was a total accident.

01:26:59.000 But now, because of that, everybody starts pulling up all the different shit that this guy's done right past driving.

01:27:07.000 Of course.

01:27:08.000 Because apparently he's bumped people's cars before.

01:27:10.000 He's a very aggressive driver.

01:27:11.000 And there's been a lot of aggressive drivers.

01:27:14.000 I'm completely new to this stuff.

01:27:16.000 I don't follow racing.

01:27:17.000 Yeah, neither do I. But Tony Hinchcliffe does.

01:27:20.000 And Hinchcliffe was the one that told me that Tony Stewart is known for being this really super aggressive driver.

01:27:26.000 So now I'm reading all this stuff online, and these people are just bringing up all these times in the past where he's clipped cars, or he's yelled at people, or he's hit people.

01:27:38.000 He's a maniac, and they're concentrating all on this, the negative aspects of this guy.

01:27:44.000 All negative aspects to try.

01:27:46.000 I mean, I don't understand exactly what it is.

01:27:49.000 And it's because they want to believe that he hit Red.

01:27:51.000 They want to believe he hit him on purpose.

01:27:52.000 They want to believe that he hit the gas when he's near the guy because he knew the ass in the car would kick out.

01:27:57.000 And if the ass in the car kicked out, the guy would get run over. 0.65

01:28:00.000 Like, it's just one of those things where when something happens, if something goes wrong, people will find the one thing and then concentrate wholly on that.

01:28:00.000 Right.

01:28:14.000 Instead of like, I mean, this is pure speculation because I don't know exactly what happened.

01:28:19.000 Instead of, you know, maybe he did drive aggressive and knocked that guy on the wall and the guy got out of his fucking car and the guy was on the track yelling at him.

01:28:29.000 And I don't understand.

01:28:31.000 I've never raced.

01:28:32.000 I don't know what it's like, but I would imagine that there's some really fucking split-second decision making going on.

01:28:38.000 You're flying around a track and you see a guy on the fucking track pointing at you.

01:28:46.000 I would imagine that the decisions like the pro and con, do this and you're going to be okay.

01:28:53.000 Do that and that guy's going to die.

01:28:55.000 There's such a small window of error because this guy's walking around on a fucking racetrack.

01:29:01.000 You're not supposed to get out of your car and walk around.

01:29:04.000 But all these people all online, I've been looking at it all day yesterday.

01:29:07.000 All of them are saying that he killed this guy.

01:29:09.000 So many people are blaming him for it.

01:29:11.000 Well, that's also the people who write on the internet, though.

01:29:14.000 That's true.

01:29:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:16.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:29:17.000 But even eyewitnesses, people who were there at the time.

01:29:20.000 I don't know.

01:29:21.000 I mean, maybe it's not the best example.

01:29:23.000 No, it's a good example.

01:29:24.000 It definitely is.

01:29:25.000 But there's kind of a lot of evidence that he's a wild man.

01:29:29.000 Well, but what you're saying is totally different than fucking just running a guy over intentionally.

01:29:34.000 But it could be that he was trying to bump into him.

01:29:37.000 Like he was trying to bump him with his car and instead he.

01:29:40.000 But how fast was he going?

01:29:41.000 I don't know.

01:29:42.000 They said 25 to 35.

01:29:44.000 He's under caution.

01:29:44.000 So not even that fast.

01:29:46.000 It was under caution.

01:29:48.000 That's not fast at all.

01:29:50.000 So you would think at 25 he'd be able to not hit the guy.

01:29:53.000 Maneuver out of the way, yeah. 0.64

01:29:55.000 Did he hit his gas?

01:29:56.000 They don't know.

01:29:57.000 That's why people are saying ESPN maybe muted the audio so you can't hear that.

01:30:00.000 But there's also a lot of people yelling.

01:30:02.000 They just muted the audio probably just in general.

01:30:04.000 Let's watch it.

01:30:06.000 It's five to watch.

01:30:06.000 Let's watch it.

01:30:09.000 It's fucked up to watch because you know a guy died.

01:30:12.000 But I don't like watching that shit.

01:30:14.000 You ever watch that Faces of Death shit?

01:30:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:16.000 Yeah, I watched it when I was a kid and I was like, nah, I can't watch this anymore.

01:30:19.000 Today, kids are so spoiled.

01:30:21.000 They could just Google murder and just watch a hundred videos.

01:30:25.000 But where?

01:30:25.000 Where do you even watch that shit?

01:30:26.000 I don't know.

01:30:27.000 Live leak.

01:30:28.000 Liveleak.com.

01:30:29.000 Live leak sounds scary.

01:30:30.000 It is scary.

01:30:31.000 It's WorldStar Hip Hop Plus Murder.

01:30:36.000 Live Leak is like all the most fucked up things on the internet.

01:30:38.000 Like, here's it.

01:30:39.000 Let's go full screen on this shit so we can go with it.

01:30:43.000 This is going to show the initial accident.

01:30:45.000 See those cars?

01:30:46.000 They're like dump trucks.

01:30:47.000 What are we looking at?

01:30:48.000 It's just froze.

01:30:48.000 I don't know.

01:30:50.000 Powerful internet.

01:30:52.000 On forgetting.

01:30:54.000 Sorry.

01:30:55.000 It's on dead spin.

01:30:56.000 Yeah, it sometimes does that when you go full screen, right?

01:30:58.000 Yeah.

01:31:00.000 Get it together.

01:31:02.000 I don't know.

01:31:03.000 We might have lost it.

01:31:04.000 What?

01:31:04.000 I got a beach ball.

01:31:07.000 Do a color wheel?

01:31:08.000 Yeah.

01:31:08.000 We got a beach ball from that?

01:31:10.000 That's it?

01:31:11.000 Well, click it off and try again.

01:31:12.000 Reboot it.

01:31:13.000 Or forcecar.

01:31:15.000 It's going to take a long time.

01:31:16.000 That piece of shit computer.

01:31:18.000 Why do we still have that computer?

01:31:19.000 Is there any benefit in keeping?

01:31:21.000 We'll talk about this off the air.

01:31:23.000 See if you can pull that up, though.

01:31:25.000 See if we can pull it up on another site.

01:31:26.000 Does it allow you to pull another site up?

01:31:28.000 But that's a NASCAR guy you said?

01:31:29.000 I'll work on it.

01:31:30.000 I'll let you know if I find it.

01:31:31.000 Yeah.

01:31:31.000 Okay.

01:31:32.000 He's a NASCAR guy.

01:31:33.000 But that wasn't NASCAR.

01:31:34.000 That wasn't NASCAR.

01:31:35.000 What the fuck was that?

01:31:36.000 Some crazy dirt race.

01:31:38.000 Well, I think those guys that race, they race in all kinds of shit. 1.00

01:31:41.000 They just are like, just get me in a fucking car. 0.81

01:31:46.000 It's like us with comedy.

01:31:47.000 Just get me on stage somewhere.

01:31:48.000 Yeah, like they do.

01:31:48.000 Chris DeLee's doing a coffee shop?

01:31:50.000 Yeah.

01:31:50.000 He's got an NBC show.

01:31:50.000 What the fuck?

01:31:51.000 I'll play a laundromat.

01:31:52.000 I'll do a coffee shop.

01:31:53.000 I got to do what I have.

01:31:54.000 Do you do open mics?

01:31:56.000 Do you show up at like weird spots and do sets on?

01:31:58.000 Ever since I started getting into clubs like a few years ago and just being able to go up wherever I want, you know, I was like, I just was like, why would I go play Buzz Coffee?

01:32:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:10.000 Why would I go play?

01:32:11.000 Because it's just like, because there's going to be, oh, because there's going to be an audience at a comedy club.

01:32:16.000 So go there.

01:32:16.000 Right.

01:32:17.000 A real audience.

01:32:18.000 Yeah.

01:32:18.000 And, you know, I don't know.

01:32:21.000 Some of these alt rooms are fucking awesome.

01:32:23.000 But then it's like, some of them are.

01:32:25.000 They're dog shit.

01:32:26.000 Yeah, they're dog shit.

01:32:27.000 And then they'll pretend they're awesome.

01:32:28.000 And then you get to the gig and they're like, I mean, last week was great.

01:32:30.000 I don't know what happened.

01:32:32.000 How many times have you fucking heard that?

01:32:33.000 There's a lot of alt rooms are real weird in that like alt rooms that like almost like everyone's making an agreement to put out as little energy as possible.

01:32:40.000 And then if you come along and you've got you're enthusiastic, you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:32:45.000 What are you doing, man?

01:32:47.000 Yeah.

01:32:47.000 Don't you know this is an alt room?

01:32:49.000 What are you trying to be funny?

01:32:51.000 You're trying too hard to be funny.

01:32:53.000 You're trying.

01:32:54.000 But there was like a, there's a stigma in alt rooms on trying to entertain.

01:32:59.000 Like, you don't want to try.

01:33:01.000 You don't try.

01:33:02.000 To that idea, I just say write a book.

01:33:05.000 Write a book.

01:33:06.000 No, they want you to be on stage and be like that.

01:33:09.000 But that's not to me.

01:33:12.000 I mean, look, dude, fucking some of the alt comic, whatever, funny's funny.

01:33:16.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:33:16.000 You know, somebody's all comic is hilarious and some of them are fucking hilarious.

01:33:21.000 Very few.

01:33:22.000 Alt comics?

01:33:23.000 Very few are hilarious.

01:33:24.000 However, very few comics are hilarious.

01:33:26.000 That's true too.

01:33:27.000 But out of all comics, it's very few, very few.

01:33:32.000 It's been a while since I've been to one of those true, true alt, you know, like Meltdown's good and shit.

01:33:39.000 But is that alt though?

01:33:40.000 No, it's not.

01:33:41.000 It's not.

01:33:42.000 It's like Chris Hardwick, who's on Comedy Central.

01:33:45.000 It's his thing.

01:33:46.000 Yeah, I guess you're right.

01:33:47.000 Yeah, you want to fucking hate Kool-Aid the whole room.

01:33:49.000 Just fucking run right through it.

01:33:51.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:33:53.000 A lot of those alt shows.

01:33:55.000 Well, you put some of those guys up on the comedy store, it's like...

01:34:00.000 Yeah, it's different.

01:34:01.000 It's a different show.

01:34:02.000 Yeah.

01:34:03.000 Well, that's why they built those rooms in the first place.

01:34:05.000 In the first place, right.

01:34:06.000 That's why those rooms exist.

01:34:07.000 So that's why I'm saying, if you can get into the comedy clubs, get in the fucking comedy clubs.

01:34:11.000 Yeah.

01:34:11.000 Those people are paying to see comedy, and it has the word comedy in the fucking thing.

01:34:15.000 Comedy club.

01:34:16.000 That's what it's for.

01:34:17.000 Yeah.

01:34:18.000 It's not fucking, you know.

01:34:20.000 Buzz coffee.

01:34:21.000 Buzz coffee.

01:34:22.000 Yeah, Freddie Soto stopped doing those a long time ago before he died.

01:34:28.000 He used to tell people, like, they would always ask him, you know, hey, will you do my room?

01:34:32.000 I'll get this thing.

01:34:33.000 No.

01:34:34.000 I had a guy, dude, okay.

01:34:36.000 I had a guy the other night.

01:34:37.000 I don't know his name, but he was at the, you know, at the comedy store?

01:34:39.000 They'll be like, fucking, you'll be, literally like Jim Carrey will show up and then somebody will be like, hey, will you be in my documentary?

01:34:47.000 And you're like, like, there's just fucking derelicts there. 0.97

01:34:50.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:34:51.000 I was at a comedy, a show, and I was at the comedy store.

01:34:55.000 And then some kid was like, hey, man, I was wondering if you want to come by and do my room.

01:35:00.000 And I was like, oh, well, where is it?

01:35:01.000 He's like, yeah, it's this, it's, well, it's this, it's on Saturday night and it's this pizza place.

01:35:01.000 What is it?

01:35:07.000 And, you know, we can't pay you, but it'd be awesome if you like did 15 minutes and you can have like the whatever pizza you want.

01:35:16.000 And I said, you have to repeat yourself because I think I heard what you said, but can you just say it again?

01:35:26.000 And he said it again.

01:35:27.000 And I said, dude, I can't be doing that.

01:35:32.000 I didn't know how to say it.

01:35:33.000 I was like, I can't be doing that.

01:35:35.000 I can't be doing your pizza performance.

01:35:36.000 And then I said, you want me to perform for pizza?

01:35:40.000 I was like, I can't be doing that.

01:35:42.000 And then I turned to the guy that was next to us, that wasn't with me or him, and I said, did you hear this guy?

01:35:49.000 And I was trying not to be a dick, but it was amazing.

01:35:56.000 But it's hard to not be like, hey, bro, I'm on billboards.

01:36:02.000 It's hard to do that.

01:36:04.000 I'm on actual television, like a real TV show.

01:36:07.000 It's hard to not be a dick.

01:36:09.000 Yeah.

01:36:10.000 No, I know what you're saying.

01:36:11.000 It's a weird situation when someone asks you to do something like that, but to them, it's like stage time.

01:36:17.000 You know, that's how they get stage time.

01:36:19.000 And they see you like, maybe Chris will do my room.

01:36:22.000 The problem with those rooms is most of the people there are not there to see comedy.

01:36:27.000 If you're doing comedy to pizza players.

01:36:28.000 They're sitting this way eating the pizza.

01:36:30.000 And the stage is over there.

01:36:30.000 They're trying to do it.

01:36:31.000 Yeah, and you're interrupting, really.

01:36:34.000 It's like, it's kind of rude.

01:36:34.000 Yeah.

01:36:36.000 It's not like you set up and play a song.

01:36:38.000 See, if you sat up and zone out and listen to the music and eat.

01:36:42.000 Yeah, it's no problem.

01:36:44.000 But if you're like talking about your eight-year-old cousin, that requires people to pay attention.

01:36:50.000 You have to pay attention.

01:36:51.000 You can't tell a fucking story to somebody who's not listening to the story.

01:36:51.000 Yeah.

01:36:56.000 Right.

01:36:56.000 You'll have like 20 people in the crowd, and at any given time, one person will be paying attention to the story, but they'll lose you, and then a new person will pay attention.

01:37:05.000 What is he talking about?

01:37:06.000 So people are paying attention.

01:37:08.000 It's like in short bursts.

01:37:10.000 Exactly.

01:37:11.000 So you have the video now?

01:37:12.000 Yep.

01:37:13.000 Jamie's got the video now.

01:37:14.000 Nice, I think.

01:37:17.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:37:18.000 Okay, so here's the dudes.

01:37:20.000 Look at these weird wings they have on their cars.

01:37:23.000 Oh, yeah, I've seen those fireplaces.

01:37:24.000 So he spun the guy out.

01:37:25.000 Okay, so he...

01:37:29.000 So that's the guy that he hit first?

01:37:31.000 That's the back it all the way up to the beginning.

01:37:31.000 Yeah.

01:37:34.000 Here you go.

01:37:34.000 So they're going around the corner, and he clipped the guy with his tail.

01:37:39.000 Did he?

01:37:39.000 Okay, yeah, it looked like his tire bumped into the guy.

01:37:42.000 The guy spun around.

01:37:45.000 They're all flying, right?

01:37:47.000 This guy gets out.

01:37:48.000 Yeah, so this guy's pissed.

01:37:51.000 He climbs out of his car and he's pointing to him.

01:37:56.000 You, you fucker, you hit me. 0.99

01:37:57.000 You fucking hit me.

01:37:59.000 Wow, this is crazy.

01:38:00.000 This guy's crazy.

01:38:02.000 Did he just hit him?

01:38:03.000 Oh, wait.

01:38:04.000 Boom, right there.

01:38:04.000 Right there.

01:38:05.000 He hit him.

01:38:05.000 Boom.

01:38:06.000 Jesus Christ.

01:38:08.000 Whoa.

01:38:10.000 Oh, man.

01:38:12.000 See, I don't know enough, bro.

01:38:14.000 He was going about 25 miles an hour?

01:38:15.000 Roughly, yeah, and they're saying people were able to avoid him.

01:38:18.000 You'd think that they'd be able to avoid him.

01:38:20.000 I mean, it looks pretty bad.

01:38:21.000 Yeah.

01:38:21.000 Just from, I don't know anything about it, but Jesus Christ.

01:38:24.000 Well, they're also saying that when you hit the gas, like your ass end kicks out because it's all dirt, so it's sliding right.

01:38:31.000 So when he hit the gas on purpose, making the ass slide out.

01:38:36.000 Like he was going to flip the guy, like he was going to bump him out of the way.

01:38:40.000 He would certainly know that as a driver.

01:38:41.000 Yeah.

01:38:42.000 Yeah.

01:38:42.000 Well, that's a fucking.

01:38:43.000 Fuck yeah, he would know that.

01:38:44.000 Yeah.

01:38:45.000 Oh, man.

01:38:46.000 That's crazy.

01:38:47.000 Well, the craziest thing about that is that the guy got out.

01:38:49.000 The guy's a crazy fucker for getting out like that.

01:38:52.000 And then running on the track and voiding cars and pointing at this guy like, you fucking did this to me.

01:38:58.000 Like, wow.

01:38:59.000 Also, isn't that the game to do that to somebody?

01:39:01.000 I don't think so.

01:39:01.000 No, I don't know.

01:39:03.000 There's no rule about it, apparently.

01:39:05.000 There's no rule about accidentally hitting guests.

01:39:07.000 No, on getting out in the car, I'm sorry.

01:39:09.000 On getting out of the car.

01:39:09.000 Oh, no, I just mean.

01:39:11.000 What do you mean there's no rule?

01:39:12.000 They don't have a rule about that.

01:39:14.000 It's not illegal to get out of your car.

01:39:16.000 ESPN yesterday I was hearing the debate about should they make a rule about this.

01:39:20.000 Fuck yeah, you should make a rule.

01:39:22.000 Stay in your fucking car.

01:39:23.000 What are you crazy?

01:39:25.000 Because if he got clipped in the car, he probably would have been fine.

01:39:29.000 If someone came along and the guy's...

01:39:33.000 He was fine.

01:39:34.000 Yeah.

01:39:34.000 Exactly.

01:39:35.000 Right.

01:39:35.000 And at high speed.

01:39:36.000 Yeah.

01:39:36.000 Right.

01:39:37.000 And then there were other cautions.

01:39:38.000 I think maybe only you have to stay in.

01:39:40.000 You can get out if your car's on fire, if like if it's a life-changing situation.

01:39:45.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

01:39:47.000 Shit.

01:39:49.000 Yeah, you can't watch shit like that, man.

01:39:51.000 I saw an image of that guy of that terrorist stacking those three heads on the fucking thing, and I was like, no.

01:39:55.000 I don't know if you saw that, but that's like.

01:39:57.000 I remember the first one from the Iraq war where we watched a guy get his head cut off on video.

01:40:04.000 And you can watch that shit?

01:40:06.000 Well, I mean, I can.

01:40:07.000 I have.

01:40:07.000 I don't like it.

01:40:08.000 Like, even two girls, one cup.

01:40:10.000 I'm like, nah.

01:40:12.000 Nah.

01:40:12.000 Oh, she shits in her mouth?

01:40:14.000 I'm good.

01:40:14.000 Nah.

01:40:15.000 Yeah.

01:40:16.000 Oh, isn't there a video of you watching that?

01:40:16.000 Yeah.

01:40:18.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:40:19.000 I saw that video.

01:40:20.000 Barely watched it.

01:40:22.000 I have hosted Fear Factor for six years, and I still had to turn away.

01:40:26.000 Think about all the shit that I've seen.

01:40:28.000 But you could throw up in front of me, and I never, I don't gag.

01:40:33.000 That's like I'm in charge of throw up around my house.

01:40:37.000 Like anytime anybody throws up, and I just, when my little girls throw up, I always clean it up.

01:40:43.000 My wife just gives it to me. 1.00

01:40:45.000 Like, I handle it.

01:40:46.000 It doesn't bother me.

01:40:47.000 I'm immune to puke.

01:40:48.000 It's like it used to be when I was a kid, somebody threw up in the room, all this extra saliva would be in my mouth.

01:40:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:57.000 And I would have to look away or I'd throw up.

01:40:59.000 If someone threw up in the hallway, I'd be gagging.

01:41:01.000 But not now.

01:41:02.000 It's over.

01:41:03.000 I cleaned up puke the other night.

01:41:05.000 My little girl, my four-year-old was sick.

01:41:07.000 Just threw up in the bed.

01:41:08.000 Who cleans it up?

01:41:09.000 Me.

01:41:10.000 I go in there, towels and shit, picking up all the sheets, putting the puke into a big puke, like one of those little stork things that the stork characters do.

01:41:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:41:21.000 My dad, first time I threw up, when I was a kid, my dad tells a story where he's like, you know, you don't know what's happening to your body.

01:41:28.000 You know, you're like, what the heck?

01:41:29.000 I feel weird, like nauseous.

01:41:31.000 And my dad identified it and he was like, oh, you're going to throw up.

01:41:35.000 He was like, this is normal.

01:41:38.000 How old are you?

01:41:38.000 I don't know.

01:41:39.000 I was 32.

01:41:42.000 Stupid joke.

01:41:43.000 And I don't know, young, young, young, you know.

01:41:46.000 And he was like, you're going to throw up and it's going to be fine.

01:41:49.000 And I was so, I was like, I don't know what's going on.

01:41:51.000 You know, I don't know what's going on.

01:41:52.000 And he turned me to him and he said, look, it's fine.

01:41:58.000 Just throw up on me.

01:42:00.000 You're going to throw up and it's going to just go all over me and it's fine.

01:42:04.000 And he said that that made me relax.

01:42:06.000 And he said that I just want and throw up all over him.

01:42:11.000 But this is fucking cute, I thought.

01:42:13.000 But it was like, I just thought this funny thing about like the first time that that shit happens with you as like you're like, that's scary as shit.

01:42:23.000 Yeah, it is scary as shit the first time.

01:42:26.000 You're like, what's happening?

01:42:26.000 Yeah.

01:42:28.000 Is there something trying to get out of my body?

01:42:30.000 Yeah.

01:42:32.000 But food poisoning is the worst.

01:42:34.000 Yeah.

01:42:35.000 Food poisoning is the worst.

01:42:37.000 When it's coming out and you're like, ah, and you're screaming it out.

01:42:40.000 You know what I mean?

01:42:42.000 Violent.

01:42:44.000 I had food poisoning in a while.

01:42:45.000 I should knock on wood.

01:42:47.000 I had it once.

01:42:48.000 I've had it a couple times.

01:42:50.000 But I had it real bad.

01:42:52.000 One time in Illinois.

01:42:55.000 Oh, it was awful.

01:42:56.000 I couldn't clench my fist.

01:42:58.000 Like, my hands were so weak.

01:42:59.000 It was just so...

01:43:04.000 Both ways.

01:43:05.000 Yeah, what can you do to prevent...

01:43:08.000 Someone told me if you have some funky shit inside your stomach, if you eat raw garlic, raw garlic apparently destroys a lot of bad bacteria.

01:43:18.000 Yeah.

01:43:18.000 You just got to sit down near the toilet and just fucking curl up.

01:43:22.000 And dale, son.

01:43:22.000 And just shit and puke.

01:43:24.000 I heard garlic.

01:43:24.000 I heard garlic is really good for you.

01:43:26.000 Yeah, but it takes a while to get down there.

01:43:27.000 You're fucking shitting and puking.

01:43:28.000 The way I eat, bro.

01:43:29.000 You put it in your head.

01:43:30.000 You just fucking chos it down.

01:43:32.000 I give it an express delivery.

01:43:34.000 I put it on the end of my thumb.

01:43:35.000 I go like that.

01:43:38.000 It hits the back of my shit and just goes right down.

01:43:40.000 It goes right down like a chute.

01:43:43.000 Yeah, they didn't need to figure that out.

01:43:46.000 There should be a way to scan things when you find out if it's got food poisoning.

01:43:50.000 You know, like just, why doesn't someone come out with a scanner?

01:43:52.000 Like some thing that just can read the contents of the food with like, oh, there's E. coli over your fucking salad.

01:43:59.000 Don't eat it.

01:43:59.000 It'll happen.

01:44:00.000 You know, that's the number one thing that people get sick from.

01:44:02.000 Really?

01:44:02.000 Salad.

01:44:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:04.000 Yeah, I know that salad's bad.

01:44:05.000 Fucking salad.

01:44:06.000 Salad gives people food poisoning.

01:44:08.000 I know you wouldn't think it was meat, but or some shit.

01:44:11.000 Yeah, you would think it was like bad fish or bad meat.

01:44:11.000 Fish.

01:44:14.000 Salad is because they don't.

01:44:16.000 It's not washed right.

01:44:17.000 Yeah, it's not washed right, but yeah.

01:44:19.000 Well, remember all those people were dying from spinach?

01:44:22.000 It's because the spinach was tainted with E. coli.

01:44:25.000 Yeah.

01:44:25.000 Waste from cows and shit?

01:44:28.000 Found what?

01:44:29.000 There's a electronic nose that sniffs out food poisoning.

01:44:32.000 What?

01:44:33.000 What?

01:44:34.000 An app?

01:44:35.000 It sniffs out E. coli, I think you put it in.

01:44:36.000 Come on.

01:44:38.000 What?

01:44:40.000 New electronic nose sniffs out food poisoning.

01:44:43.000 What?

01:44:44.000 Isn't it amazing when you say something thinking like this is 20 years away from this?

01:44:49.000 Yeah, completely impossible.

01:44:51.000 No one's going to ever come up with something like that.

01:44:53.000 How is that possible?

01:44:53.000 It really works?

01:44:55.000 It checks the freshness and quality of meat, poultry, and fish.

01:44:58.000 What?

01:44:59.000 And it's an app.

01:45:00.000 What's the app called?

01:45:01.000 I'll download that fucker right now.

01:45:03.000 I mean, you probably have to have it next to something.

01:45:05.000 It doesn't look like it.

01:45:07.000 There's no way you just take your phone and fucking go like this.

01:45:10.000 P-E-R-E-S. 1.00

01:45:12.000 P-E-R-E-S? 0.99

01:45:14.000 That's what it's called?

01:45:14.000 Yeah.

01:45:15.000 Yes.

01:45:16.000 All right.

01:45:16.000 I'm downloading that bitch right now, and let's see if it works.

01:45:18.000 I'm going to put it on Crystalia and see if he's edible.

01:45:22.000 P-E-R-E-S. 1.00

01:45:24.000 Okay.

01:45:25.000 P-E-E-NOS. 0.99

01:45:27.000 World's first portable E-NOS, and its iOS Android mobile app enables users to determine quality, freshness of meat, poultry, and fish, and whether it's gone bad and could potentially cause food portions.

01:45:36.000 Wait a minute.

01:45:37.000 It's called P-E-R-E-S?

01:45:39.000 What's the name of the app?

01:45:41.000 I believe it's what it says.

01:45:42.000 Developers say Perrys or P or Piris.

01:45:46.000 P-E-R-E-S. 1.00

01:45:47.000 Hmm.

01:45:48.000 But is this available already?

01:45:50.000 I'm going to assume no.

01:45:51.000 Yeah, because when I went to P-E-R-E-S, it gives me some Russian shit. 1.00

01:45:57.000 Uh-oh.

01:45:57.000 Back to that spy.

01:45:58.000 Perestroika.

01:46:00.000 That's what it gives you.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, that's what comes up.

01:46:03.000 Here's the video there.

01:46:04.000 Russian writing and shit.

01:46:05.000 See if it says that it's actually available.

01:46:07.000 Yeah, pull the video up.

01:46:08.000 Let's listen to it.

01:46:09.000 Play it from the beginning so we can actually...

01:46:16.000 Beads go into a green thing.

01:46:19.000 Detecting food.

01:46:21.000 In the USA, 76 million cases of foodborne illness resulting in 325,000 hospitalizations and 5,000 deaths.

01:46:31.000 First of all, pause that.

01:46:33.000 Why does that guy talk like that?

01:46:35.000 In the USA.

01:46:36.000 350 million people.

01:46:36.000 Yeah.

01:46:39.000 It sounds like bullshit already.

01:46:42.000 Numbers.

01:46:43.000 76 cases of foodborne illnesses resulting in 32500.

01:46:50.000 5,000 deaths are estimated to occur each year.

01:46:53.000 Holy shit.

01:46:54.000 That surprises you?

01:46:54.000 That doesn't surprise me.

01:46:55.000 That's a lot.

01:46:56.000 Really?

01:46:57.000 There's so many people.

01:46:59.000 A lot of fucking people.

01:46:59.000 That is true.

01:47:00.000 But 5,000 deaths from foodborne illness.

01:47:03.000 All right, play it out.

01:47:04.000 Occur each year.

01:47:06.000 The Peres story began when the team who created the device collaborated with scientists from Kaunas University of Technology in Lithuania.

01:47:17.000 After more than a year of research and development, the team has now created a second working prototype of the Peres device.

01:47:28.000 PARES works by taking a sample of the air from around the pork, beef, poultry, or fish.

01:47:34.000 By detecting the concentration of volatile organic compounds and other gases in the sample and adjusting them according to temperature and humidity, it calculates the freshness and quality of the food product.

01:47:46.000 Using sensor array and Bluetooth technology, data are transmitted directly to a smartphone or tablet for calculation of sample data.

01:47:54.000 Users immediately put up their phones to help them make an intrans choice.

01:47:58.000 It smells your food and safety of their pork, beef, poultry, and fish.

01:48:04.000 And share and discuss the food.

01:48:05.000 Oh, yeah, I'm a fart right into that thing.

01:48:07.000 or just breaks imagine what if your farty called your mom *laughter* Get Joey Deas to fart into that thing. 0.66

01:48:15.000 Second prototype is an attractive streamline.

01:48:18.000 Yeah, well, if it's another device, I mean, I thought they were forgetting.

01:48:22.000 But saying it's a prototype, so it's not ready to read it on your hand.

01:48:26.000 But they're saying prototype.

01:48:28.000 We ask you for contribution to convert Ferris Protoxic.

01:48:31.000 Yeah, we can trust this guy.

01:48:35.000 ask you for contribution.

01:48:41.000 Trust me.

01:48:42.000 Okay, give me money and I'm going to make this.

01:48:44.000 I swear to God, it works.

01:48:46.000 I swear to God in Mother Russia. 0.62

01:48:48.000 I promise you.

01:48:49.000 And swear to Anna Chapman, who if I make enough money, I can make wedding vow with her.

01:48:57.000 The Russian spy who is a family.

01:48:58.000 She will leave me.

01:48:58.000 Edward Snowden.

01:49:01.000 She will leave this traitor, Edward Snowden, and come with me to make food safe for everyone. 0.95

01:49:07.000 Give money to Kickstarter.

01:49:10.000 Everybody's got a fucking Kickstarter, man.

01:49:12.000 I'm getting a little annoyed with people's Kickstarters.

01:49:14.000 You know, there's people that have Kickstarters that are like for their own business and they actually have money already.

01:49:19.000 Like, whatever happened to just investing your fucking money?

01:49:21.000 You know, why are you trying to steal money from everybody?

01:49:24.000 Yeah, but isn't that how investment works, though?

01:49:25.000 No?

01:49:26.000 I mean, you get other people to invest in it.

01:49:28.000 Yeah, but Kickstarter is like, some of the Kickstarter ones are pretty cool.

01:49:33.000 I don't know much about Kickstarter.

01:49:35.000 All I know is that people are giving Zach Braff shit, and I don't think that that's cool that they're giving Zach Braff.

01:49:39.000 Zach Braff was the guy who made Garden Estate, the guy from Scrubs.

01:49:44.000 And he put out a Kickstarter to fund his next film, and people gave him money to make his next film.

01:49:44.000 Okay.

01:49:49.000 And I think that that's cool.

01:49:50.000 Why are people giving him shit?

01:49:51.000 Because they're like, well, he's made a lot of money.

01:49:53.000 Why didn't he do it?

01:49:54.000 It's like, what are you talking about?

01:49:55.000 That's not how investment works.

01:49:57.000 Yeah, I guess so.

01:49:59.000 Put it that way, though, actually, Kickstarter makes sense then.

01:50:02.000 Well, because people, they're like, well, I mean, because movies cost, well, because movies cost millions of dollars.

01:50:07.000 That's why.

01:50:08.000 And yeah, he's got millions of dollars, but what kind of fucking asshole is going to be like, oh, I'm going to make this movie.

01:50:12.000 I'm going to put $10 million into it.

01:50:13.000 Mel Gibson.

01:50:14.000 Right.

01:50:15.000 That's crazy.

01:50:16.000 Yeah.

01:50:17.000 That's how he got rich as fuck.

01:50:18.000 Yeah.

01:50:19.000 But meanwhile, I don't think he's rich as fuck anymore.

01:50:21.000 No, really?

01:50:22.000 No.

01:50:22.000 Apparently.

01:50:22.000 Oh, wow.

01:50:23.000 Took a beating.

01:50:24.000 Mel took a bath.

01:50:25.000 The ex-wife got a big chunk.

01:50:28.000 The girlfriend who yelled.

01:50:30.000 No, that was the girlfriend. 0.76

01:50:31.000 That wasn't the wife. 1.00

01:50:32.000 That was just some Russian chick he knocked up. 1.00

01:50:35.000 That was with Russians, man. 1.00

01:50:37.000 Spying and recording.

01:50:38.000 Spying, recording, video.

01:50:40.000 Be careful what you say around a Russian. 1.00

01:50:43.000 Very mercenary.

01:50:44.000 Well, that was the perfect.

01:50:45.000 What is this?

01:50:46.000 The potato salad.

01:50:47.000 This kid asked for $10 to make potato salad on Kickstarter, and he ended up getting over $55,000 for it.

01:50:52.000 So what happens with that?

01:50:53.000 He gets to keep that money?

01:50:54.000 He's actually going to throw a party in Columbus and have a big concert and donate like $35,000 to charity and start a non-profit to deal with some two.

01:51:03.000 That's a nice guy.

01:51:04.000 But that's just an updated version of pet rock.

01:51:06.000 Yeah.

01:51:07.000 You know?

01:51:08.000 The guy who made the pet rock made a fucking kajillion dollars.

01:51:12.000 Pet Rock made a lot of fucking money.

01:51:14.000 I know.

01:51:14.000 I remember that.

01:51:15.000 I was a kid when that was going on.

01:51:16.000 The pet rock.

01:51:18.000 It's ridiculous.

01:51:19.000 I think that was it, the 70s?

01:51:21.000 That was before me, I think.

01:51:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:24.000 A guy basically packaged rocks.

01:51:24.000 I believe it was.

01:51:26.000 Rocks, and that's it.

01:51:27.000 And sold them in stores.

01:51:29.000 And this is before internet.

01:51:30.000 Yes.

01:51:31.000 Yeah.

01:51:31.000 Not one person bought them.

01:51:33.000 Millions.

01:51:33.000 Yeah, he made a lot of money.

01:51:33.000 No.

01:51:34.000 I wonder how much the pet rock made.

01:51:36.000 What do you guess?

01:51:37.000 I want to bet I want to say he made 50 million bucks.

01:51:41.000 Really?

01:51:41.000 Yeah.

01:51:42.000 Jesus.

01:51:43.000 How much do you think?

01:51:44.000 It can't be 50.

01:51:45.000 I bet he made about 50 million bucks.

01:51:47.000 How much do you think?

01:51:50.000 I'd say a few million, three, four million.

01:51:52.000 Okay, marketing.

01:51:54.000 Let's see.

01:51:55.000 I don't know much about it, though.

01:51:56.000 That's it?

01:51:56.000 A few million?

01:51:59.000 I guess I'd like to believe that.

01:52:02.000 Pet Rock Millionaire offers new method to get stoned.

01:52:06.000 That's an actual copy of a newspaper.

01:52:12.000 How much is this going to make?

01:52:14.000 Development doesn't say.

01:52:16.000 How could the Wikipedia not say?

01:52:18.000 I would think that would be one of the first things that people 1.5 million pet rocks.

01:52:23.000 Oh, so then at least.

01:52:26.000 How much do they cost?

01:52:27.000 A few dollars, right?

01:52:29.000 The fad lasted about six months, ending after a short increase in sales during the Christmas season of December 1975.

01:52:36.000 Timing.

01:52:37.000 Although by February 1976, they were discounted due to lower sales.

01:52:42.000 He sold 1.5 million pet rocks and became a millionaire.

01:52:46.000 Crazy.

01:52:47.000 A 32-page official training manual titled The Care and Training of Your Pet Rock was included with instructions on how to properly raise and care for one's new pet rock, notably lacking instructions for feeding, bathing, etc.

01:53:03.000 So if it costs five bucks, Homeboy made a lot of money.

01:53:06.000 He made five million dollars.

01:53:08.000 20 bucks now.

01:53:10.000 You can still buy the shit?

01:53:11.000 Yeah, same petrock.com.

01:53:13.000 Same company, you think?

01:53:14.000 Yep, since 1975.

01:53:16.000 Wow.

01:53:16.000 Whoa.

01:53:19.000 Yeah, since then he sold 10.

01:53:21.000 Yeah.

01:53:22.000 In 1975, he sold 1.5 million.

01:53:25.000 He's been going real bad, slipped off, dude.

01:53:27.000 I don't know what happened.

01:53:28.000 First six months were great.

01:53:29.000 After Watergate, people just got real squirrely about their money.

01:53:32.000 I blame 9-11.

01:53:34.000 The Mel Gibson one was probably, we were just playing, worse than Kramer or the same?

01:53:42.000 Worse.

01:53:43.000 I think not.

01:53:45.000 No.

01:53:45.000 Well, the Kramer one was worse because it was videotaped.

01:53:49.000 That's true.

01:53:49.000 Right.

01:53:50.000 You saw in his eyes hate.

01:53:52.000 That's true.

01:53:53.000 If Mel Gibson, you're like, yeah, but he's an actor and you heard it and who knows.

01:53:58.000 It was so funny.

01:53:59.000 It was fucked up.

01:54:01.000 Just shut up and blow me. 1.00

01:54:07.000 But it's fucked up that we're getting a window into this guy's. 0.64

01:54:10.000 I kind of feel like you should be able to say whatever you want in your house and they can't use that against you.

01:54:18.000 Well, definitely.

01:54:20.000 You know, especially because there's a lot of times, like we were talking about jokes.

01:54:25.000 Like I have this whole bid in my act about the difference between someone joking and someone's.

01:54:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:31.000 I saw you do it.

01:54:31.000 Yeah.

01:54:33.000 But the point is that when you're on stage in a comedy club, you should assume that someone's fucking around.

01:54:39.000 Right.

01:54:40.000 Right.

01:54:40.000 Because you know what you came to see.

01:54:43.000 You know you came to see comedy.

01:54:44.000 Well, when you're at home, you don't expect that other people are going to hear what you're saying.

01:54:50.000 So there's a lot of times people just say fucked up shit.

01:54:54.000 And not even mean it.

01:54:55.000 You're fucking cunt. 0.98

01:54:56.000 I hope you rot at the bottom of a million pound pile of dog shit. 0.98

01:55:02.000 And by the way, you're by yourself when you say that.

01:55:04.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:55:05.000 Because why not?

01:55:05.000 You're fucking home and you're alone.

01:55:07.000 Or you're at home and you've got your dick in your hand and you're talking to your girlfriend on the phone and she's being an asshole to you and she won't come over and have sex with you. 0.75

01:55:15.000 So you just scream because you're drunk.

01:55:18.000 You scream some horrible upsetting that you don't mean at all.

01:55:21.000 And the next day it's on the internet.

01:55:21.000 No.

01:55:22.000 You're like, I was fucking kidding.

01:55:25.000 I wasn't being serious.

01:55:28.000 Yeah, there's statements.

01:55:29.000 There's public statements and then there's things that can be turned into public statements if they record you and then just transmit it.

01:55:36.000 And that's what happened with Mel Gibson.

01:55:37.000 That destroyed him.

01:55:38.000 He was a giant superstar.

01:55:40.000 Really?

01:55:41.000 Really?

01:55:42.000 But was that more just the business of things that weren't going well for him?

01:55:47.000 Or was he at the top of his game?

01:55:49.000 I can't remember when that happened.

01:55:50.000 He was at the top of his game.

01:55:51.000 Two things happened to him.

01:55:52.000 Two things happened to him.

01:55:54.000 The anti-Semite thing.

01:55:56.000 To me, that was what buried him.

01:55:58.000 But the anti-Semite thing was, there was no recording, right?

01:56:02.000 Right.

01:56:02.000 No, I don't think there was.

01:56:04.000 Was there?

01:56:05.000 Does cops record everything?

01:56:06.000 I don't think there was.

01:56:07.000 I don't know if there was.

01:56:09.000 I don't believe it got out publicly, but I do believe that the cops were saying that Mel Gibson was calling them Jews and saying that the Jews control Hollywood.

01:56:19.000 And also his dad is like a Holocaust denier.

01:56:23.000 And also he was drunk driving, right?

01:56:25.000 Right.

01:56:25.000 Yes.

01:56:26.000 So that in itself is just like, oh, he's a fuck up.

01:56:29.000 Yeah, those things are all bad.

01:56:32.000 Right?

01:56:33.000 Drunk driving and screaming about Jews. 1.00

01:56:36.000 People frown upon those.

01:56:38.000 Really, even if you're screaming positive things about Jews. 1.00

01:56:38.000 That combination of people. 1.00

01:56:42.000 You're just like, it's not a good look.

01:56:42.000 You're hammering.

01:56:45.000 It's just weird.

01:56:47.000 You would lose some validity in your.

01:56:49.000 You open your door, your car door, fucking beer cans fall out, you fall onto the highway.

01:56:53.000 You're like, I love corned beef.

01:56:59.000 Bagels are the shit.

01:57:01.000 I wish I had a Yamicon right now.

01:57:04.000 His dad is apparently a serious anti-Semite.

01:57:06.000 But enough of those things, a few of those things will bury you.

01:57:10.000 You know, and if you're screaming about, fuck you, come over while you're.

01:57:10.000 Yeah.

01:57:14.000 Well, I also think there's a mental illness aspect to it, too.

01:57:17.000 I think some people just have something wrong with that.

01:57:20.000 But also, how do you be famous for 40 years?

01:57:26.000 And super stupid famous.

01:57:28.000 But yeah, no, not famous like you're on a show.

01:57:31.000 Right.

01:57:32.000 He's Mel fucking Gibson.

01:57:35.000 He's Mad Max.

01:57:36.000 How do you be famous, that famous, for 40 years and just be like, be normal?

01:57:44.000 We have to ask Tom Cruise.

01:57:46.000 We have to pull Tom Cruise aside.

01:57:48.000 Tom Cruise is the best at it, I think.

01:57:50.000 Yeah, but you see him cracking a little bit sometimes.

01:57:53.000 He's crazy.

01:57:54.000 All right, I know, but you see him holding it together.

01:57:57.000 Well, when he was on the Today Show and he was talking to that dude, Matt, whatever his name is, Matt Lowry.

01:58:02.000 Yeah, Matt Lowry.

01:58:03.000 About psychedelic or psychiatric drugs.

01:58:05.000 Uh-huh, right.

01:58:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:58:06.000 Remember that?

01:58:07.000 You're being glib, man.

01:58:08.000 About very glib.

01:58:09.000 Glib shields and he talked about her.

01:58:11.000 Well, I, but, dude, there's, let me tell you something right now.

01:58:14.000 There's no fucking way if I was Tom Cruise, dude, I wouldn't even be on the Today Show.

01:58:21.000 I'd be.

01:58:23.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:58:24.000 I'm saying I wouldn't be allowed there because I would already have fucked up completely.

01:58:29.000 I would be on buildings screaming shit out, positive and negative about Jews. 1.00

01:58:34.000 Just everything.

01:58:36.000 Yeah.

01:58:37.000 Just, just, just, who cares?

01:58:39.000 I would be the worst guy.

01:58:40.000 There's no way.

01:58:42.000 I'm on a fucking show, kind of.

01:58:44.000 And that already, I'm already getting nuts.

01:58:47.000 Do you think that, yeah.

01:58:50.000 More power to Tom.

01:58:51.000 Tom Cruise is amazing for that.

01:58:53.000 Do you think that the average person could ever understand what it would be like to be scrutinized on just the level that you're scrutinized on?

01:59:00.000 Just being on a show, having people talk shit about you online, reading Twitter pages, communicating with seeing people talk about you and just overwhelming.

01:59:12.000 It's hard to not respond to every single one.

01:59:14.000 It's hard to...

01:59:26.000 And people just wrote racist.

01:59:28.000 No, the hat's fucking weird looking.

01:59:32.000 You're a racist.

01:59:33.000 I didn't even know that your girl was black until people were saying it. 0.99

01:59:36.000 I was like, oh, yeah, I guess she's black.

01:59:38.000 There's nothing fucking racist about you.

01:59:40.000 You're racist.

01:59:42.000 Tom 46 or whatever the fuck?

01:59:45.000 Do you respond to them?

01:59:47.000 Sometimes I do.

01:59:48.000 Yeah.

01:59:49.000 I have a bit about it that I do.

01:59:50.000 Sometimes there's like a guy, I get into a thing where they go, fuck you, fuck you.

01:59:55.000 I say to the person, I'll fuck your whole family. 0.79

01:59:59.000 And then the person runs back, I'm eight.

02:00:04.000 He was a fucking eight-year-old.

02:00:04.000 And he was eight.

02:00:05.000 You never know who these people are.

02:00:07.000 That is a problem.

02:00:08.000 A lot of times you're dealing with like little kids.

02:00:10.000 You're getting into things with little kids.

02:00:12.000 But you don't know because you just fuck you.

02:00:15.000 Oh, all right, bro.

02:00:16.000 And you're bored as shit.

02:00:17.000 You're on the road.

02:00:18.000 I'm coming for you, dude.

02:00:19.000 Yeah, I used to get in those.

02:00:20.000 I got into things.

02:00:21.000 I can't imagine you didn't.

02:00:23.000 I can't imagine you didn't.

02:00:24.000 You're like the Tupac of comedians.

02:00:26.000 I'm the Tupac.

02:00:27.000 I don't know what that means.

02:00:28.000 Just like fucking.

02:00:30.000 Like, I'll get you.

02:00:32.000 You know what I mean?

02:00:33.000 If this happened, I'll fuck with you.

02:00:35.000 I'll get you.

02:00:36.000 I had a guy who was tweeting me back and forth, or it was MySpace, MySpacing me back and forth way back in the day.

02:00:42.000 He was saying really mean shit to me.

02:00:44.000 And then I just engaged him and went back and blessed him.

02:00:47.000 And then I put it online.

02:00:48.000 I put like our whole conversation online.

02:00:50.000 And people got so mad at me.

02:00:51.000 I didn't know he was 20.

02:00:51.000 He was 20.

02:00:52.000 I know.

02:00:53.000 But then I started commenting on what I was doing when I was 20 and how he's a loser in comparison to me.

02:00:58.000 That's funny as shit, though.

02:01:01.000 But people will be like, yo, people will be like, I'll just, people will make fun, will say, you're shitty or whatever.

02:01:08.000 And I'll just, I'll look at their picture and I'll be like, you're a six. 0.99

02:01:12.000 Like, that's how good looking you are.

02:01:15.000 A guy or a girl.

02:01:16.000 Either.

02:01:19.000 And then I will get just, that's not cool, dude.

02:01:24.000 Well, yeah, but you entered the octagon here.

02:01:31.000 I make fun of things.

02:01:32.000 That's what I do for a living.

02:01:35.000 Right.

02:01:35.000 So if you tweet me, fuck you and your show, you entered the octagon.

02:01:42.000 Right.

02:01:44.000 Done.

02:01:45.000 But then the other people public, the other people that aren't even involved in it, then they'll come after you.

02:01:50.000 Not cool, bro.

02:01:51.000 That's where you get fucked and you're like, ah, fuck.

02:01:59.000 It's wasted energy.

02:01:59.000 Whatever.

02:02:01.000 It is wasted energy.

02:02:02.000 And you should stop doing it.

02:02:04.000 You should not engage.

02:02:05.000 You should.

02:02:05.000 No, you definitely.

02:02:06.000 You should not engage.

02:02:07.000 That's the right thing to do.

02:02:08.000 The right thing to do is find the ones that are worthy and make them jokes.

02:02:14.000 And take things that people have said to you and turn them into bits against the person who said something to you.

02:02:20.000 That way you're not even addressing them personally.

02:02:22.000 You're just taking what they said and then bringing it to the stage.

02:02:24.000 Well, that's what I did with the thing, right?

02:02:26.000 Right, right.

02:02:28.000 That's the way to do it.

02:02:29.000 It is the way to do it.

02:02:31.000 The problem is if you get anytime publicly, you get into any sort of an altercation.

02:02:36.000 Like, this is one of the things that I learned about the Carlos Mencia situation when the thing with Carlos went down, which if I had to do it again.

02:02:46.000 I wanted to ask you that, yeah.

02:02:47.000 I would do it again.

02:02:48.000 In that case, with that guy.

02:02:50.000 That guy's a bad guy.

02:02:52.000 What he did was bad.

02:02:53.000 And what he did, what people saw was a tenth of what he did.

02:02:58.000 Not even.

02:02:58.000 Oh, wow.

02:02:59.000 What he did, he would go on stage in front of guys and do their best bits and then bring them up.

02:03:04.000 Really?

02:03:05.000 Yeah, on TV shows.

02:03:06.000 He did it.

02:03:07.000 Johnny Sanchez had a bit.

02:03:09.000 Funny fucking bit.

02:03:10.000 I don't know if he still does it.

02:03:11.000 Johnny Sanchez, funny guy.

02:03:13.000 He was always at the store.

02:03:14.000 Johnny's funny.

02:03:15.000 He had a great bit about his Persian next-door neighbor.

02:03:18.000 People were always parking in a spot and the guy would freak out and he would freak out with broken English.

02:03:22.000 Right.

02:03:22.000 And he's fucking parking in my fucking parking.

02:03:24.000 Right, yes, yeah.

02:03:25.000 I know that bit.

02:03:26.000 It's very fun.

02:03:26.000 It's a great bit.

02:03:28.000 He's parking in my parking.

02:03:29.000 Mancia does it on stage on television before he brings Johnny Sanchez up.

02:03:34.000 On a television gig?

02:03:35.000 He was hosting Loco Slam, one of those shows.

02:03:38.000 And Johnny was going to do it?

02:03:39.000 Johnny was the next act.

02:03:41.000 Going to do that bit?

02:03:42.000 Well, it doesn't matter.

02:03:42.000 Johnny was doing it.

02:03:43.000 It's his closing bit.

02:03:44.000 It's his closing bit.

02:03:46.000 So Mancia does it before he brings him up.

02:03:50.000 Exactly.

02:03:51.000 And no one was doing anything about it.

02:03:53.000 None of the agents, none of the clubs.

02:03:55.000 No one was doing anything about it.

02:03:57.000 And when you would bring it up, they would say, this is just business.

02:04:00.000 Like, this is what Gersh said to me.

02:04:02.000 Oh, really?

02:04:03.000 Gersh said to me, you know, when they asked me to apologize to Mancia, or they were going to drop me.

02:04:09.000 Yeah, they dropped me.

02:04:09.000 Really?

02:04:10.000 Well, I told them I would never work with them again.

02:04:12.000 I said, Mike, I said, our conversation's over.

02:04:15.000 I said, look, you guys have already made this decision for me.

02:04:17.000 There's no way I could ever work with you knowing that what you guys do is you sell art.

02:04:22.000 That's what you sell.

02:04:23.000 You sell.

02:04:24.000 A comedian works.

02:04:25.000 We write.

02:04:26.000 We sit things.

02:04:27.000 We sit by ourselves.

02:04:28.000 We write things down in the car.

02:04:28.000 We come up with ideas.

02:04:30.000 We take these ideas.

02:04:31.000 We try to turn them into bits.

02:04:31.000 We try to craft them.

02:04:33.000 Like, we all do it.

02:04:35.000 And what they do is they come along and they sell that art.

02:04:39.000 They say, hey, Chris DeLia's got a new hour that he put together.

02:04:43.000 And he's going to go on the road and he's going to give us 10%.

02:04:46.000 So they're selling your art.

02:04:48.000 And this guy was a vampire.

02:04:49.000 He was stealing from the artists.

02:04:51.000 And they were selling the vampire's work.

02:04:54.000 They were selling what he had done.

02:04:56.000 But all you had done is take from these other artists and piece it together.

02:05:00.000 But it was all thievery.

02:05:02.000 It was all theft.

02:05:04.000 And they were talking that they were, and when they were saying that he was a bigger star than me at the time, and Steely was, especially when it came to movies and television shows, because he had Mindamancia.

02:05:16.000 And it was after I was done doing Fear Factor.

02:05:18.000 And they didn't have me for film.

02:05:22.000 I was with another agency for that.

02:05:24.000 They only had me for stand-up.

02:05:26.000 And so we had this situation when they were saying that I had to apologize to them.

02:05:31.000 And in their eyes, it was just business.

02:05:34.000 And so I would have done it again just because it needed to be done.

02:05:38.000 Like, there was a real problem.

02:05:40.000 There wasn't just like, there was a few minor instances of plagiarism or there was parallel thinking or two guys did jokes about a similar subject and you think that one guy came up with the other guy's bit.

02:05:53.000 He was one of the worst plagiarists I've ever seen.

02:05:55.000 Wow.

02:05:56.000 And a bully with it.

02:05:57.000 Like a mean guy.

02:05:59.000 Like the Sanchez thing.

02:06:01.000 Well, that's crazy.

02:06:01.000 Yeah, that's weird.

02:06:03.000 He would bump guys when they were headlining, like they would be headlining for the first time, like Brad Williams or Brad Williams or was it I forget which guy it was, but his first gig headlining, Mencia shows up, does a guest spot in front of him for 45 minutes.

02:06:18.000 Right.

02:06:19.000 On his first ever headlining gig, like the guy's finally there, and Mencia just goes up and steals his thunder for 45 minutes.

02:06:27.000 I think it was actually someone else.

02:06:30.000 I'm trying to figure out who it was, but it wasn't the only time he's done that.

02:06:33.000 Like he would, guys, their name would be on the marquee.

02:06:35.000 He would show up and bump them.

02:06:36.000 Like the bumping was a big thing.

02:06:38.000 We'd go on right before them.

02:06:39.000 That was his thing.

02:06:40.000 Sneak right in.

02:06:42.000 But my point is that the negative stuff that I got from that, like the people that, when two people see, or when two people are fighting, and then all the public gets to chime in their opinion, then you just open yourself up to this attack.

02:07:00.000 Even if you're right, and I was right.

02:07:03.000 Most people were on my side, but most people doesn't mean everybody.

02:07:07.000 If there's a million people that were on my side, there was 300,000 that were angry at me.

02:07:12.000 And the 300,000, it slowly eroded to zero.

02:07:16.000 It did over time.

02:07:18.000 He still gets hate.

02:07:19.000 I don't get anything from that.

02:07:21.000 Over time, it was proven that I was correct.

02:07:24.000 Everybody saw the Bill Cosby thing.

02:07:26.000 All these other comedians came out.

02:07:27.000 And then he did Mark Maron.

02:07:29.000 Did you ever hear those podcasts that he did?

02:07:31.000 I think I did.

02:07:31.000 Yeah, a while ago.

02:07:33.000 Was that bad?

02:07:33.000 I don't remember it, though.

02:07:35.000 It's bone curling.

02:07:36.000 Really?

02:07:37.000 God, it was.

02:07:38.000 Blood curdling.

02:07:39.000 I don't remember it at all.

02:07:40.000 It was ugly because you got to see how crazy he is.

02:07:43.000 Especially the first one, Maron was kind of like.

02:07:45.000 Oh, yeah, he did it twice.

02:07:47.000 But the second one was he came back on to address things that all these other comedians had said about him.

02:07:54.000 All these other comedians who talked about him stealing.

02:07:56.000 And then he sort of fell apart.

02:07:58.000 He fell apart in the second one.

02:07:59.000 And then he did that I Am Comic documentary and admitted on I Am Comic that he steals people's stuff and reworks it.

02:08:05.000 It's sort of like a rapper samples bits.

02:08:07.000 Really?

02:08:08.000 And he goes, yeah, you ever see that?

02:08:08.000 Yeah.

02:08:10.000 Pull that up.

02:08:11.000 I thought I saw it.

02:08:12.000 Just pull up.

02:08:12.000 Mencia admits to stealing an I Am comic.

02:08:15.000 It's really...

02:08:22.000 Like, he's been open about the fact that he had to go to therapy because of all this.

02:08:25.000 And he's just a beaten man.

02:08:27.000 I mean, you look at his...

02:08:31.000 And he's had 40,000 Twitter followers for years.

02:08:34.000 I mean, that is who that guy is now.

02:08:37.000 Like, here it is.

02:08:37.000 Like, he's getting interviewed.

02:08:38.000 People out there are going to ask, why did they interview Carlos about this?

02:08:42.000 You know, Carlos is a joke thief.

02:08:44.000 Carlos steals jokes, and we know this.

02:08:47.000 Listen to me.

02:08:48.000 And look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty.

02:08:51.000 If you think that I steal jokes.

02:08:53.000 Fuck yeah, you're right.

02:08:54.000 Of course I fucking steal jokes.

02:08:56.000 Are you out of your fucking mind?

02:08:57.000 When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch. 1.00

02:09:00.000 You better get the fuck off stage. 1.00

02:09:02.000 Because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine.

02:09:06.000 And all I'm going to do is say Mexican in the front. 0.97

02:09:09.000 I'm like a rapper.

02:09:10.000 I just sample shit and make it my own.

02:09:12.000 Was that really my song?

02:09:14.000 I don't know.

02:09:15.000 But it sounds like mine.

02:09:16.000 But it kind of sounds like somebody else's.

02:09:18.000 It's a hit, bitch. 1.00

02:09:19.000 Sample, sample.

02:09:23.000 Wow.

02:09:25.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:09:26.000 But was he joking there?

02:09:29.000 Like, what is that?

02:09:31.000 He was serious?

02:09:32.000 I don't know.

02:09:32.000 Yeah, he's serious.

02:09:33.000 That's exactly what he does.

02:09:34.000 I mean, even if he says he's joking, that's exactly what he does.

02:09:37.000 That's his thing.

02:09:37.000 Right, right.

02:09:39.000 That's weird.

02:09:39.000 That's what he does.

02:09:40.000 That's weird.

02:09:41.000 I think he did that just because he was just cracking.

02:09:43.000 He was just cracking.

02:09:44.000 Years and years and years and years and years and years and years of people fucking yelling at him and everywhere he goes, he fucking thief. 0.87

02:09:51.000 And then they found out that he wasn't really Mexican, so the Mexicans got mad at him.

02:09:57.000 Yeah.

02:09:59.000 That's weird, man.

02:10:01.000 Yeah, it's not good.

02:10:03.000 But the initial point was that in that situation, something had to be done.

02:10:11.000 But for the most part, engaging with someone is not worth it.

02:10:15.000 Especially publicly, unless you have something really important to prove.

02:10:20.000 When you do it publicly, man, you just open yourself up to so much, so many idiots' opinions, so much negativity.

02:10:27.000 It's just not worth it.

02:10:28.000 It's hard when you're doing interviews, though, and then somebody asks you a certain question.

02:10:31.000 You're like, oh, here we go.

02:10:33.000 And then you get in trouble.

02:10:34.000 And then they take it out of context and you're like, that's not what I fucking even said.

02:10:34.000 Yeah.

02:10:37.000 You know what I mean?

02:10:48.000 But also in this time we live in now, it's all soundbite shit.

02:10:53.000 And when you're asking somebody a question about like I did an interview for HuffPost and it was like they asked me about something and then they took a bite of that and they put it onto the headline and it's like, now fucking everyone, you know what I mean?

02:11:05.000 Everyone's like what the fuck did you say here?

02:11:06.000 What did you say there?

02:11:07.000 You know what it's like?

02:11:07.000 Yeah.

02:11:09.000 Yeah.

02:11:10.000 It's like, that's not fair.

02:11:11.000 No, that's weird when they do that.

02:11:13.000 And that goes back to, you know, me saying, it's like, look, I think I'm a good guy.

02:11:18.000 And you fucking, they took that and spun it.

02:11:21.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:22.000 Yeah, when people take things out of context, context is everything.

02:11:25.000 It's everything.

02:11:26.000 It really is.

02:11:27.000 And the ability to take things in quotes, like I've had people take quotes that I said like on a Twitter, like just a Twitter joke and write a whole blog about it.

02:11:37.000 Right.

02:11:38.000 And, you know, come up with all these weird assumptions of how I feel about things and write this whole blog about it.

02:11:44.000 Like, why'd they do that?

02:11:45.000 Because it's a cheap shot because it's an easy thing to do.

02:11:48.000 Because it's an easy way to get their attention.

02:11:50.000 They can talk shit about Crystalia.

02:11:52.000 You know, they know Crystalia's a known character.

02:11:55.000 Oh, Crystalia's an asshole. 1.00

02:11:57.000 Look at Crystalia roll. 0.97

02:11:58.000 Oh, what a piece of shit.

02:11:59.000 And they'll do things about.

02:12:01.000 That's one of the reasons why Twitter is kind of funky in a way.

02:12:04.000 Yeah.

02:12:07.000 Well, it's also 140 characters is just not enough for any sort of nuanced opinion on these.

02:12:07.000 Yeah.

02:12:13.000 Yeah.

02:12:14.000 No, that's totally true.

02:12:15.000 It's just you're not going to really get to the heart of what someone thinks about something.

02:12:20.000 You're just going to get some weird snippet that you have to kind of piece together.

02:12:26.000 Especially when it's a joke.

02:12:28.000 Like I'll say fucked up things on Twitter that I don't really mean just as a joke.

02:12:32.000 Yeah.

02:12:33.000 And then people will decide that this is actually your opinion.

02:12:36.000 That's true.

02:12:37.000 Well, yeah.

02:12:37.000 Yeah.

02:12:38.000 They can't hear you.

02:12:39.000 Like I don't, I don't like, you know, I don't, I'm not into sports, you know?

02:12:43.000 And I'll, I, when the World Cup was on, I was just tweeting about how stupid sports were, but I was making jokes, you know, and it's like, if, look, if you're a kid and you're coming up and sports is your way out, that's fucking awesome.

02:12:53.000 Right.

02:12:54.000 I'm not, I don't think that kid's an asshole, you know?

02:12:57.000 But people were sending me death threats.

02:13:01.000 The World Cup is a weird thing.

02:13:02.000 I know.

02:13:03.000 People get super attached to it.

02:13:04.000 But they were like, oh, fucking sports don't matter.

02:13:06.000 I did this thing where I would make like quick videos of like where I was be at a bar and this World Cup would be going on and then some people would cheer and I would be like, yeah, it doesn't matter.

02:13:14.000 It doesn't matter.

02:13:14.000 I would just be screaming, it doesn't matter.

02:13:16.000 And people were like, you fucking piece of shit.

02:13:20.000 Your stand-up doesn't matter if sports don't matter.

02:13:22.000 And I'm like, well, yeah, no shit, dude.

02:13:24.000 I'm just fucking around.

02:13:26.000 Guess what?

02:13:26.000 Stand-up doesn't matter.

02:13:27.000 I know, you know, unless you like stand-up.

02:13:29.000 Yeah.

02:13:29.000 And soccer doesn't matter if you don't like soccer.

02:13:32.000 Yeah.

02:13:33.000 Yeah.

02:13:35.000 I was working on a bit about the annoying white guy that pretends he likes soccer more than he really does.

02:13:40.000 Which is like really...

02:13:40.000 Oh, yeah.

02:13:45.000 We were eating dinner at this place, and the World Cup was on in the background, and there was these annoying white guys that were screaming whenever the USA won or the USA scored a goal.

02:13:55.000 They were like jumping around and they're high-fiving each other.

02:13:58.000 It was just like, it was like there's nothing wrong with rooting for a team, but there's something artificial about the way they were doing it.

02:14:07.000 It was just too obvious.

02:14:09.000 Well, because it's also, it's every four years.

02:14:09.000 Right.

02:14:12.000 They forget about it two years after that, and then it comes back again and they're like, oh yeah, fuck it.

02:14:18.000 You know, yeah.

02:14:19.000 Also, you're not, you probably weren't even watching the fucking USA game.

02:14:23.000 They were like, yeah, fucking Barswana. 1.00

02:14:25.000 It's like, you don't fucking care.

02:14:28.000 I'm rooting for Germany.

02:14:29.000 Germany's always been my team.

02:14:31.000 I love Germany.

02:14:31.000 I have a VW.

02:14:33.000 It's like, I can't, I don't like anybody who gets too in the sauce.

02:14:40.000 And just like, they're just like, oh, fuck yeah, man.

02:14:44.000 And it's like, that's not your life, dude.

02:14:47.000 But I have a particular fascination about the World Cup because I find it very interesting that soccer gets, it doesn't move the needle at all outside of the World Cup.

02:14:57.000 Like, nobody gives a shit about soccer in America.

02:15:00.000 Remember when they tried to sell David Beckham?

02:15:02.000 They brought David Beckham to L.A. and they paid some fucking ungodly amount of money to have him.

02:15:07.000 That's right.

02:15:08.000 No one gave a fuck.

02:15:09.000 No one gave a fuck.

02:15:10.000 I forgot about that.

02:15:12.000 I forgot about that.

02:15:14.000 No one gave a fuck.

02:15:15.000 They spent so much money to bring David Beckham to LA to play soccer.

02:15:20.000 And the only people that watch soccer in LA are Mexicans. 0.51

02:15:23.000 Right.

02:15:23.000 They love soccer.

02:15:24.000 You know, Mexico has a long history of soccer.

02:15:28.000 Yeah.

02:15:29.000 As does England.

02:15:30.000 But not in America.

02:15:31.000 They brought this English guy over to America to play soccer.

02:15:34.000 And everybody's like, yeah.

02:15:37.000 Where's Pele?

02:15:38.000 Yeah.

02:15:39.000 They didn't give a fuck.

02:15:41.000 Brazilians love soccer.

02:15:43.000 There's a lot of countries that love soccer.

02:15:44.000 United States is not one of them.

02:15:46.000 Wow, they wanted soccer to be big and nobody gives a fuck.

02:15:49.000 So they try this really hot, tattooed up English guy.

02:15:52.000 Bring him over here.

02:15:53.000 Chicks went to soccer games.

02:15:54.000 I know girls that went to see a fucking soccer game because they were in love with David Becker. 0.91

02:16:00.000 Right, but that didn't last because they don't care about soccer. 0.97

02:16:02.000 Plus, there was a bunch of drunk Mexicans. 1.00

02:16:04.000 They were hitting on them when they were there.

02:16:06.000 It was a fucking disaster.

02:16:09.000 Nobody gives a shit about soccer in America.

02:16:11.000 I don't know why.

02:16:12.000 I mean, it's more exciting than baseball.

02:16:15.000 I think soccer is more athletic.

02:16:16.000 It has more excitement just because there's no downtime.

02:16:18.000 In baseball, it's mostly downtime.

02:16:20.000 Yeah, it's more exciting.

02:16:23.000 Which is why I like baseball.

02:16:24.000 Because it's downtime.

02:16:26.000 Because of the chilling.

02:16:29.000 Because he'll get it.

02:16:32.000 I used to love playing.

02:16:33.000 I used to go to see baseball games when I lived in Boston.

02:16:35.000 I used to go to Fenway Park.

02:16:36.000 You don't really have to pay attention at a baseball game.

02:16:38.000 That's why it's so great.

02:16:39.000 You can go get a hot dog and come back and be like, oh, that guy's still up.

02:16:42.000 And if you happen to be there when a great moment happens, someone makes a great catch or a great knock, a great home run.

02:16:42.000 Yeah.

02:16:48.000 Right.

02:16:48.000 Yeah.

02:16:49.000 But still, if you tried inventing baseball today, people be like, wait, wait, what?

02:16:53.000 Right, that's true.

02:16:54.000 They'll be like, this game is retarded. 0.97

02:16:55.000 Like, what's going on?

02:16:57.000 So you have nine innings, and what happens if it's a tie?

02:17:01.000 Nine innings?

02:17:01.000 You just keep playing.

02:17:02.000 You keep playing?

02:17:03.000 You know what?

02:17:03.000 No.

02:17:04.000 That's actually, to me, that's better than what soccer does, which is, hey, let's play a different game now.

02:17:09.000 You just fucking under, you undersold your whole game by saying it's tied.

02:17:15.000 Let's do a different game.

02:17:16.000 You play Jenga.

02:17:17.000 Then play Jenga.

02:17:18.000 Play fucking Jenga. 1.00

02:17:20.000 You're just going to kick at the goal now?

02:17:22.000 Which is the exciting part, which is what should have just started.

02:17:24.000 That's how it should have started.

02:17:26.000 The whole sport should be just kicking at the goal.

02:17:26.000 Right.

02:17:27.000 Hockey?

02:17:28.000 We go to shootout?

02:17:29.000 Well, fuck hockey.

02:17:30.000 I can't watch that.

02:17:30.000 I can't watch it.

02:17:31.000 Here's what should happen.

02:17:32.000 Baseball, nine innings.

02:17:34.000 At the end of nine innings, if it's tied, the game's still over.

02:17:37.000 They go to hits, okay?

02:17:39.000 Whoever has more hits wins.

02:17:40.000 Same hits, then you go to fucking errors.

02:17:42.000 If the other team has more errors, they lose.

02:17:44.000 Dude, you should restructure baseball.

02:17:47.000 In my mind, that's what it is.

02:17:48.000 That's a good idea.

02:17:49.000 Yeah.

02:17:50.000 That is actually a good idea.

02:17:51.000 Yes.

02:17:52.000 Why do you keep playing?

02:17:53.000 You said, how long is baseball last?

02:17:55.000 Nine innings.

02:17:55.000 Oh, wait, it's a tie.

02:17:56.000 Oh, well, let's go 10 here.

02:17:57.000 Here's a flaw with that problem, though.

02:17:59.000 Because what if, like, one team scored a run because they got four hits?

02:18:04.000 Like, they got a guy on first, then another guy got a single, he got on second, then another guy got on third, and then another guy came along and had a single, and then he brought in the third baseman comes in.

02:18:15.000 But if you watch, like, a home run, like, that would, like, discourage home runs because that's only one hit.

02:18:22.000 But it counts as one hit.

02:18:23.000 Yeah, but if you get more runs, you win.

02:18:27.000 But if there's more hits, then you don't win.

02:18:27.000 Right.

02:18:29.000 You only get it if you tie, and then the hits are more.

02:18:34.000 I wonder.

02:18:35.000 We probably sound so dumb right now.

02:18:36.000 Yeah, we're dumb as fuck.

02:18:37.000 We're dumb already.

02:18:38.000 We're dumb already.

02:18:39.000 Well, I'm definitely dumb.

02:18:41.000 I'm dumb at a lot of things.

02:18:42.000 You know how I know I'm dumb?

02:18:43.000 You know how I know I'm dumb?

02:18:44.000 Because when I'm doing this podcast, time will go by, and I'm just listening to you, and I'm like, that's fucking interesting.

02:18:50.000 And I haven't said shit.

02:18:54.000 I legitimately am just listening to your podcast.

02:18:56.000 That's a part of podcasting, though.

02:18:58.000 That means you're good at it.

02:19:00.000 I know I'm dumb because I get offended when people tell me I'm smart.

02:19:04.000 What do you mean?

02:19:04.000 Because people tell me I'm smart, and I go, oh, this is wrong.

02:19:08.000 This is incorrect.

02:19:09.000 I know what actual smart people sound like.

02:19:12.000 I know actual smart people.

02:19:13.000 I've talked to them.

02:19:14.000 I know the difference.

02:19:15.000 I just have memorized a bunch of shit.

02:19:17.000 I know some things.

02:19:18.000 That's where you, that's when, when I, when I listen to you or talk to you or whatever it is, whenever I hear you, I always think, how do you, just before you even knew me, I would be like, how do, how does Joe Rogan remember that much shit?

02:19:34.000 I don't fucking remember anything.

02:19:36.000 I don't know how I remember so much.

02:19:38.000 That's like, I don't even bother.

02:19:40.000 I'm at the point now where I'm.

02:19:41.000 It's likely alphabet by on it.

02:19:44.000 But I'm at the point where I don't even look shit up because I'm not going to remember it.

02:19:48.000 And that's sad as fuck.

02:19:49.000 If things are important to me, I remember them.

02:19:51.000 But a lot of stuff's important to you.

02:19:51.000 Yeah.

02:19:52.000 The important stuff's important to you.

02:19:53.000 To me.

02:19:53.000 Yeah.

02:19:55.000 But non-important shit.

02:19:56.000 Like someone will tell me something and I don't give a fuck. 0.86

02:19:59.000 And then I'll go, what are you talking about?

02:20:00.000 And they go, I just told you.

02:20:01.000 I'll go, really?

02:20:02.000 I don't remember.

02:20:03.000 Yeah.

02:20:04.000 You know, so I have a very selective memory.

02:20:06.000 It's awesome if it's something that's actually interesting to me.

02:20:09.000 Yeah, you retain shit and you're interested, which is good.

02:20:11.000 You have to learn to be interested a lot of the time, though.

02:20:13.000 Like people.

02:20:14.000 Do you have to learn to be interested?

02:20:16.000 Or is it?

02:20:17.000 It's usually that people have too many other things going on that are not interesting, so they don't have the time to get interested.

02:20:22.000 I think you have to learn to be interested because, like you said, context is everything, right?

02:20:27.000 So if you give me a book that's very interesting, I don't know how to read it if I don't fucking read books.

02:20:33.000 Right.

02:20:33.000 And I don't know the context of it.

02:20:35.000 Like, I don't, take Shakespeare.

02:20:37.000 Is that important?

02:20:38.000 To somebody who doesn't read Shakespeare, you're like, I don't know.

02:20:42.000 This is stupid.

02:20:43.000 Yeah.

02:20:44.000 If you wanted to just go back and kind of look at Shakespeare as like the origins of literature and the origins of storytelling, then it becomes interesting.

02:20:54.000 It's important and it's interesting.

02:20:55.000 But it's not interesting.

02:20:56.000 Like, it's hard to take things.

02:20:59.000 Do you listen to old stand-up?

02:21:01.000 Yeah.

02:21:01.000 Do you ever try to go back and listen to Lenny Bruce?

02:21:04.000 I haven't in a long time.

02:21:06.000 I'm a big fan of stand-up.

02:21:07.000 And Lenny Bruce, I have posters on my wall at home, these Lenny Bruce posters from concert films and stuff.

02:21:13.000 And I'm a huge Lenny Bruce fan.

02:21:14.000 I have like maybe four or five Lenny Bruce pictures in my house because I think that Lenny Bruce is, I think he was the godfather of it all.

02:21:21.000 He was the reason why we could do what we did.

02:21:24.000 Right, right.

02:21:25.000 Absolutely.

02:21:25.000 Like, for folks who don't realize, like, at one point in time, stand-up was just jokes.

02:21:31.000 It was like set up punchline, set up punchline.

02:21:33.000 And there was these guys that would tour.

02:21:35.000 They would do like the Cat Skills.

02:21:36.000 And they would all do each other's acting.

02:21:38.000 Exactly.

02:21:38.000 They would all do the same jokes.

02:21:41.000 And they were just joke, like almost like street jokes.

02:21:45.000 And they would put together an act and that act would never change.

02:21:48.000 And then Lenny Bruce came along and Lenny Bruce started talking about things that he saw, the behavior people had, hypocrisy, religion, racism.

02:21:59.000 And everybody's like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

02:22:02.000 And people would come to see him and they would be blown away.

02:22:05.000 No one in the 50s and the 60s was talking like that.

02:22:08.000 No one was communicating the way Lenny Bruce was.

02:22:10.000 And he lit the fire that created George Carlin and Richard Pryor and all these different guys.

02:22:16.000 I think he was the original source of American stand-up comedy.

02:22:22.000 Oh, that's the Dustin Hawkins.

02:22:23.000 That's the movie, right?

02:22:24.000 Yeah.

02:22:24.000 Did you ever see it?

02:22:26.000 No.

02:22:26.000 It's fucking great, man.

02:22:27.000 I know.

02:22:27.000 My dad loves it.

02:22:29.000 Put it on for a second.

02:22:32.000 Whoa.

02:22:32.000 I know there's one nigga.

02:22:33.000 There's a lot of endbobs getting dropped in this show.

02:22:35.000 Let's see.

02:22:36.000 There's two niggers. 1.00

02:22:38.000 And between those two niggers sits a kike. 1.00

02:22:42.000 And there's another kite.

02:22:43.000 That's two kikes and three niggers. 1.00

02:22:46.000 And there's a spick. 0.92

02:22:47.000 Right?

02:22:49.000 He's doing this in an audience that people just are super uncomfortable.

02:22:54.000 There's a Polark. 1.00

02:22:55.000 And there's a couple of grease balls.

02:22:58.000 And there's three lace curtain Irish mix.

02:23:00.000 And there's one hip thick punky, funky boogie.

02:23:08.000 Boogie boogie.

02:23:09.000 Jesus Christ.

02:23:14.000 I got three packs.

02:23:15.000 Do I hear five packs?

02:23:16.000 I got five packs.

02:23:17.000 Do I hear six picks?

02:23:18.000 I got six big.

02:23:19.000 Do I hear seven niggas? 1.00

02:23:20.000 I got seven niggas. 1.00

02:23:21.000 Sold American.

02:23:23.000 I passed with seven niggas. 1.00

02:23:25.000 Six fix, five nicks, four clacks, three guineas, and one whop.

02:23:28.000 You almost punched me out, didn't you?

02:23:31.000 Well, I was just trying to make a point, and that is that it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

02:23:39.000 Dick, if President Kennedy would just go on television and say, I'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet, and if he just say, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, every nigger he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, nigger, nigger, nigger, niggered, nigger, till nigger didn't mean anything.

02:23:59.000 n-bombiest podcast ever.

02:24:01.000 Why could somebody call him a nigger in school?

02:24:04.000 Thank you.

02:24:09.000 That's it.

02:24:10.000 Fascinating.

02:24:10.000 What a part to play.

02:24:11.000 Jesus Christ.

02:24:12.000 Yeah.

02:24:13.000 Well, he did a great job.

02:24:14.000 Yeah.

02:24:14.000 He's like one of the, that's one of the best seemed like a standing ball.

02:24:19.000 He did.

02:24:20.000 I actually laughed because when guys play comedians, you're just like, oh, he's such.

02:24:20.000 He did.

02:24:25.000 I don't know.

02:24:25.000 I don't know if it's apparent to other people.

02:24:27.000 Tom Manks and Punchline.

02:24:28.000 Yeah, I don't.

02:24:29.000 Yeah.

02:24:29.000 It's like you can just tell.

02:24:30.000 You can just tell it's not a comedian.

02:24:32.000 How about Sally Field and Punchline?

02:24:34.000 I fucking barely remember that.

02:24:36.000 I would have to watch that again.

02:24:37.000 Oh, you don't.

02:24:38.000 You don't actually bad for you.

02:24:40.000 But that was actually a really good representation of that.

02:24:42.000 Well, it's a really good representation of Lenny Bruce.

02:24:42.000 Yeah.

02:24:44.000 That's why.

02:24:45.000 I mean, he played Lenny Bruce.

02:24:47.000 And that bit, boy, it's all about the context of the times because that bit, like, if you did that today, like, boy, you'd have to do a way better job of piecing it together.

02:24:59.000 It's just the times are different.

02:25:00.000 Like, back, that was, at the time, what he was doing was like completely groundbreaking.

02:25:05.000 No one had ever done anything.

02:25:06.000 Well, yeah, you couldn't do that right now.

02:25:08.000 No, but it would be a different thing.

02:25:10.000 But if you went and watched him do Stand Up Today, like if Lenny Bruce was on stage doing Stand Up Today, you wouldn't be laughing.

02:25:19.000 Right.

02:25:20.000 It's too late.

02:25:21.000 Well, comedy, yeah, comedy changes.

02:25:22.000 And it's like you look at the shit back then, it's not funny anymore.

02:25:26.000 Even stuff from 20 years ago is not funny anymore.

02:25:26.000 No, no.

02:25:29.000 Yeah, isn't that weird?

02:25:30.000 It's very weird.

02:25:31.000 It's very weird.

02:25:33.000 Remember the boxer guy that would punch his face in the 80s?

02:25:36.000 Yeah, Bob Nelson.

02:25:38.000 That was funny.

02:25:38.000 Yeah.

02:25:40.000 You look at that now and you're like, what?

02:25:44.000 And it's just what that's, that's fucking crazy, dude.

02:25:48.000 Bob Nelson is the reason why I have my manager.

02:25:51.000 My manager was managing Bob Nelson when Bob Nelson found Jesus.

02:25:51.000 Really?

02:25:55.000 And Bob Nelson decided to get a prayer partner, was going to be his new manager.

02:26:01.000 And so my manager was like, oh, fuck.

02:26:03.000 So he had to go find some new talent.

02:26:04.000 And so he came to Boston.

02:26:06.000 And the night that he came to Boston, I had written a joke.

02:26:09.000 There he is right there.

02:26:09.000 I'd only been doing it.

02:26:11.000 Shit is so weird, man.

02:26:12.000 Place up of it.

02:26:14.000 Hello.

02:26:16.000 Hello.

02:26:20.000 Welcome to Jiffy Jeff's Gym.

02:26:23.000 My.

02:26:27.000 My name is Jeff.

02:26:30.000 I'm sorry.

02:26:31.000 My name is Jeff, and I'm the proprietor proprietor.

02:26:34.000 I own the gym.

02:26:36.000 Okay.

02:26:37.000 Stop it.

02:26:38.000 I mean, that's.

02:26:39.000 That's 1980.

02:26:40.000 The opposite of funny, though.

02:26:43.000 But it is.

02:26:44.000 Now it is.

02:26:45.000 Back then, he used to kill.

02:26:46.000 He was a killer.

02:26:47.000 Yeah.

02:26:48.000 It's weird.

02:26:49.000 It was a different time, but he was always like a real schlapsticky. 1.00

02:26:52.000 I don't know if he had a substitute.

02:26:54.000 I don't know if he had a substance abuse problem or what.

02:26:57.000 I don't know how he got involved with his prayer partner or how he found Jesus.

02:27:00.000 I don't know what was so extreme about it.

02:27:03.000 But he fired my manager.

02:27:04.000 And then my manager just randomly came to Boston.

02:27:09.000 He was in New York.

02:27:10.000 Just randomly came to Boston to look for talent.

02:27:13.000 And I just happened to be up on stage that night.

02:27:16.000 It wasn't even scheduled.

02:27:17.000 Really?

02:27:17.000 Yeah.

02:27:18.000 And I've been with him ever since.

02:27:19.000 Well, thank God for that guy.

02:27:20.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:27:21.000 But that's how that shit happened.

02:27:23.000 If that guy never did that set, you wouldn't have this podcast.

02:27:25.000 I might not.

02:27:27.000 Look, my manager is a very important part of my career.

02:27:30.000 He's awesome.

02:27:31.000 He's the best.

02:27:33.000 And he's a great friend, and I love the guy.

02:27:35.000 And we've been together since I was an amateur.

02:27:37.000 Wow.

02:27:38.000 Yeah.

02:27:39.000 That's crazy.

02:27:39.000 I've had the same manager for 22 years.

02:27:43.000 Wow.

02:27:44.000 Yeah.

02:27:44.000 At least, maybe 23.

02:27:46.000 It might be 23 years now.

02:27:47.000 Yeah.

02:27:49.000 Yeah.

02:27:49.000 Crazy.

02:27:50.000 That's a great fucking thing, man, because that whole thing of like having the right representation, like the whole situation that I went through with Gersh, where they were trying to get me to apologize to Mancia.

02:28:01.000 Yeah, you don't have to worry about that if you got a guy in your corner for fucking 12 years already.

02:28:06.000 But imagine if that was my guy.

02:28:07.000 Imagine if Gersh was my guy and they were telling me that it was the only people I had representing me and they were telling me I had to apologize to a criminal.

02:28:15.000 That's the sneaky part about this business, right?

02:28:17.000 It's like dealing with all the people that sell it.

02:28:20.000 I know.

02:28:20.000 Yeah, that's the business part of it.

02:28:23.000 The club owners.

02:28:26.000 Yeah, but it's like, who else is going to represent?

02:28:30.000 We're not going to do it.

02:28:30.000 We're not going to build a club.

02:28:31.000 We're fucking...

02:28:34.000 Yeah.

02:28:35.000 Imagine if the Crystalia talent agency got started.

02:28:38.000 It'd be like, oh, we'd fucking rep that guy.

02:28:41.000 That's a goof.

02:28:41.000 We'd rep.

02:28:43.000 It'd be like me and him in that fucking thing.

02:28:45.000 He would open for me.

02:28:47.000 That's a thing that happens too, right?

02:28:49.000 Guys bring terrible acts to open for them.

02:28:52.000 We were talking about that.

02:28:52.000 Yeah.

02:28:53.000 We were talking about that.

02:28:55.000 I don't get that.

02:28:56.000 I don't get it.

02:28:57.000 Like, I bring funny guys.

02:29:02.000 Brent Morin, who was the other guy on my show, and Jason Collings.

02:29:05.000 And those guys are so good.

02:29:08.000 And I don't get the idea of, yeah, I get a guy, he's okay, and then I'll go up and crush.

02:29:14.000 Yeah.

02:29:15.000 Well, we were talking about it because we were at the improv, and Chris is a very funny act, and some guys don't want to go after Chris.

02:29:23.000 And some guys specifically get upset if they wind up having to go after you.

02:29:29.000 And we were talking about this one guy who kind of tweaks about it and how ridiculous it is.

02:29:33.000 as if you being funny takes away from him being funny.

02:29:37.000 Yeah.

02:29:38.000 To me, it's about going up and people being different, and it's fun, and you go up and crush, and then I have to go on after you.

02:29:46.000 I don't want to fucking follow you, but I do.

02:29:48.000 You know what I mean?

02:29:48.000 It's like, oh, then it'll be fucking, yeah, oh, good, I get to go after Joe.

02:29:51.000 It's going to be hard, but it'll be fun.

02:29:53.000 But you've done it.

02:29:53.000 I'm different.

02:29:54.000 You do it.

02:29:55.000 I do fine.

02:29:55.000 I did it, yeah, the other week, but I don't, I never would be like, no.

02:30:00.000 No way.

02:30:00.000 Dude, no way.

02:30:01.000 That's bitch made shit to me. 1.00

02:30:03.000 Bitch made. 1.00

02:30:04.000 Yeah.

02:30:04.000 To me, what are you saying?

02:30:07.000 You're saying you can't go up.

02:30:08.000 Who cares?

02:30:09.000 Who even, how about this?

02:30:10.000 You bomb.

02:30:11.000 Who gives a fuck?

02:30:13.000 But bombing is just the whole thing that you've been working for is to build up your confidence so that you can get to this point where you finally feel like you're worthy of staying alive.

02:30:21.000 And then one bad set after Chris DeLia.

02:30:27.000 But that's the test the universe gives you.

02:30:30.000 We were talking about Scott Shore, who's Mitzi Shore's, I guess, oldest son.

02:30:36.000 He's a buddy of mine.

02:30:37.000 And I ran into him in La Jolla this part this part of the week in San Diego.

02:30:43.000 This weekend.

02:30:44.000 And we were talking about what Mitzi used to do to comics, like how she develops comedians.

02:30:48.000 And what she used to do is anybody who's any good, she would put you on after the biggest killers she could find. 0.96

02:30:56.000 Like all throughout my days at the comic store, I had to follow Martin Lawrence back when You So Crazy when He was doing that?

02:31:03.000 God damn, dude.

02:31:05.000 I was an unknown white guy.

02:31:06.000 The audience was mostly black, and he was going on stage with a leather jumpsuit on.

02:31:10.000 Yeah.

02:31:11.000 He was destroying.

02:31:12.000 Like people have forgotten how goddamn funny Martin Lawrence was.

02:31:16.000 He's so funny.

02:31:16.000 I will never forget.

02:31:17.000 Because he went crazy, and he wore like that rubber suit.

02:31:20.000 Yeah.

02:31:20.000 And he was running around.

02:31:22.000 I actually think he's still funny when you see him in movies.

02:31:24.000 He's very funny.

02:31:25.000 He's very funny.

02:31:26.000 I haven't seen him do stand-up lately, but...

02:31:30.000 I'm not sure.

02:31:31.000 He came by the comedy store maybe two years ago and started doing some stuff, but I never really watched.

02:31:34.000 Well, I know he took a long time off, and then he came on stage, and he was talking about how they got him on pills.

02:31:39.000 Oh.

02:31:40.000 Yeah.

02:31:41.000 Pretty relatable.

02:31:42.000 He got me on pills.

02:31:44.000 Yeah.

02:31:45.000 And yeah, it was tough action.

02:31:46.000 And the audience was like, ooh.

02:31:48.000 Is this a TED Talk?

02:31:49.000 But when I saw him...

02:31:54.000 We were talking about people going crazy when they get so famous.

02:31:57.000 Martin Lawrence was goddamn gigantic.

02:31:59.000 He had that show enormous.

02:32:01.000 He's doing movies, Big Mama's House and all these other different That's him, right?

02:32:05.000 Yeah.

02:32:06.000 Was that Eddie Murphy?

02:32:06.000 Or was it Eddie Murphy?

02:32:07.000 It was another big black woman. 1.00

02:32:08.000 Big Mama's House.

02:32:09.000 They all played Big Black Women at one point in time in their life. 1.00

02:32:12.000 But he did all those movies and he was just a giant superstar.

02:32:17.000 But what people forget is his stand-up.

02:32:20.000 He was a murderer.

02:32:22.000 He destroyed.

02:32:23.000 And I went on after him.

02:32:25.000 I don't know how many times.

02:32:26.000 I don't know how many times.

02:32:27.000 Anytime he was performing at the store, I was going on after him right away.

02:32:31.000 Wow.

02:32:31.000 Every time.

02:32:32.000 And I was nobody.

02:32:34.000 I was nobody.

02:32:35.000 And I wasn't that good.

02:32:36.000 I was okay.

02:32:37.000 So you would get him sometimes and sometimes not?

02:32:40.000 I would eat shit.

02:32:41.000 I would eat shit and then eventually get to like a respectable few laughs before I bailed.

02:32:46.000 But the beginning was all just watching giant groups of black people get up and leave. 1.00

02:32:52.000 They were leaving anyway.

02:32:54.000 Tonight, y'all.

02:32:54.000 Of course.

02:32:55.000 Who next?

02:32:57.000 And then he had to bring me up too.

02:32:58.000 He was very gracious.

02:32:59.000 He gave me a great introduction.

02:33:02.000 And how long would he do?

02:33:03.000 Oh, at least half an hour, at least.

02:33:06.000 Maybe more, 40 minutes.

02:33:07.000 That's crazy.

02:33:07.000 I mean, when I was in the comedy store, I would have to, they would make me go after Caparullo, who crushed.

02:33:14.000 But yeah, that's nothing like Martin Lawrence in the fucking.

02:33:18.000 Yeah, Caparillo's a good comic, but Martin Lawrence was a superstar.

02:33:23.000 He was so famous in the 90s.

02:33:25.000 Yeah, he was.

02:33:26.000 Yeah.

02:33:27.000 But you know what?

02:33:28.000 When I was going to the comedy store, there weren't people on TV that were at the comedy store.

02:33:32.000 Oh, yeah.

02:33:32.000 That was the dark ages.

02:33:34.000 2008.

02:33:36.000 There was no, literally nobody.

02:33:38.000 It was.

02:33:39.000 And these guys are funny.

02:33:40.000 I'm not saying they're not funny, but they just weren't on TV.

02:33:41.000 Caprulo, Brett Ernst, Sebastian.

02:33:43.000 Sebastian, this was before he, you know what I mean?

02:33:45.000 Right.

02:33:46.000 And then and Dove.

02:33:48.000 Yeah.

02:33:49.000 You weren't there.

02:33:50.000 This was after you.

02:33:51.000 It was after I left.

02:33:52.000 I left in 2007.

02:33:53.000 That's when the Mencia thing happened.

02:33:55.000 Right.

02:33:55.000 And then I went in 2008, and then I would be going on after these guys that would crush.

02:34:00.000 Yeah, so I know what you're talking about a little bit, not like the Martin Lawrence thing.

02:34:03.000 I followed Richard Pryor five weeks in a row.

02:34:06.000 You did?

02:34:07.000 Yeah.

02:34:07.000 That's awesome.

02:34:08.000 Five weeks in a row, Richard Pryor did stand up.

02:34:10.000 I'll never forget.

02:34:11.000 It was the weirdest thing because he was already on his way out.

02:34:14.000 He was dying.

02:34:15.000 And they would carry him to the stage.

02:34:17.000 Wow.

02:34:18.000 And the audience would clap like fucking Moses had risen from the grave.

02:34:24.000 And it was just fascinating just to be in the room with him, man.

02:34:27.000 Just to be in the room with him.

02:34:28.000 I would love.

02:34:29.000 The greatest comic of all time, in my opinion.

02:34:31.000 And he would go on stage.

02:34:34.000 I think I should qualify that.

02:34:36.000 I think Sam Kinnison in 1986 was the greatest comic of all time.

02:34:39.000 Really?

02:34:39.000 But he was only the greatest comic for a year.

02:34:41.000 I think he was a murderer.

02:34:43.000 Louder than hell when he did that.

02:34:45.000 He couldn't be stopped.

02:34:46.000 He was just unstoppable.

02:34:48.000 He was the greatest ever.

02:34:49.000 But it was a show.

02:34:50.000 When he did the thing about homosexual necrophiliacs, did you ever see that?

02:34:53.000 Yes, I did.

02:34:53.000 What's the bit again?

02:34:55.000 And he goes, folks, he goes, there's these guys, homosexual necrophiliacs. 0.94

02:35:02.000 They were paying, paying morgues to spend a few hours undisturbed with their freshest male corpse. 0.98

02:35:09.000 And he goes, could you imagine?

02:35:10.000 You're lying out there on that slab saying, well, I'm dead now.

02:35:15.000 I guess I'm going to go with Jesus. 0.63

02:35:17.000 Hey.

02:35:18.000 And he's like rocking back and forth.

02:35:19.000 He's lying on his stomach on stage.

02:35:21.000 He's like, hey, hey, what the fuck is this?

02:35:24.000 It feels like there's a dick in my ass. 0.96

02:35:27.000 You mean life keeps rocking the enemy back to the deck?

02:35:30.000 It never ends.

02:35:31.000 It never ends.

02:35:32.000 Oh, oh.

02:35:34.000 Like, you had to see it.

02:35:35.000 Yeah.

02:35:36.000 At the time, there'd been nobody like him.

02:35:39.000 Nobody even remote.

02:35:40.000 He was so original.

02:35:42.000 Like, there was no one like Kinnison before he came along.

02:35:44.000 Everybody else was doing jokes.

02:35:46.000 He was screaming.

02:35:49.000 I live in hell.

02:35:51.000 He goes, look at me, look at me, look at me.

02:35:53.000 Oh, oh, I was married twice.

02:35:57.000 Wow.

02:35:57.000 Yeah, he did this joke about going to hell and about Satan wouldn't even bother trying to scare you.

02:36:02.000 And he goes, oh, you've been married?

02:36:04.000 This is an old hat for you.

02:36:05.000 Come on in.

02:36:06.000 Oh, that's funny.

02:36:07.000 You had to see him at the time.

02:36:09.000 Well, that's you know, Kinnison is an interesting thing because when I think about Kinnison, I would have loved to have seen what the fuck would have happened to him as a comic.

02:36:17.000 He would have gotten worse.

02:36:19.000 Well, it was all about it.

02:36:20.000 It would have been ugly.

02:36:21.000 I mean, I'm just guessing, but his act was so bad at the end.

02:36:25.000 Oh, really?

02:36:26.000 He's the best example that I give to young comics when they want to talk about the perils of fame and what can happen to you when you stop writing, when you stop working on your sets, you're no longer trying to hone it as an art form.

02:36:41.000 He was just being Kinnison.

02:36:42.000 He was doing blow and break and being this superstar.

02:36:47.000 If you listen to Louder Than Hell, you go watch his first HBO special, watch that stuff, the good stuff, and then watch the subsequent specials.

02:36:57.000 They were slowly but surely terrible.

02:37:00.000 Like, not as good.

02:37:01.000 The first one after was not nearly as good, and then it got really bad.

02:37:04.000 And then at the end, it was awful.

02:37:07.000 He just fell on apart.

02:37:08.000 And I got to see him live after he had fallen apart.

02:37:11.000 I saw him at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts, and Carl LeBeau opened for him.

02:37:16.000 Carl, who's a funny guy?

02:37:18.000 He wasn't as funny as Carl.

02:37:20.000 He just, he had already used up all his best material, all the hunger from being an up-and-coming comic.

02:37:27.000 Years and years of struggle, he developed all these killer bits.

02:37:31.000 And then within a year, he had to rewrite the whole thing.

02:37:33.000 He had to come up with all this new material.

02:37:35.000 And it was just gimmicky stuff.

02:37:37.000 Like he would have some guy on stage, and the guy would tell him about a heartbreak that he had, and then he would bring up a phone, and he would call the girl from the stage and scream at her.

02:37:47.000 Like that was his gimmick.

02:37:49.000 You fucking cunt. 0.87

02:37:50.000 I'm here with Tom.

02:37:51.000 Tell her, tell her.

02:37:52.000 And he'd go, fucking cunt. 0.98

02:37:54.000 You fucking, I hope you rot in hell.

02:37:56.000 I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood.

02:37:59.000 Die!

02:38:00.000 Thank you, good night.

02:38:00.000 Die!

02:38:03.000 And that's how he would get off stage.

02:38:04.000 It was, this wasn't that good.

02:38:06.000 It was over.

02:38:07.000 Like, it was over.

02:38:08.000 Like, the wind that carried his sails was over.

02:38:12.000 But during that 1986 year, Maron has the best fucking stories about Kinnison because Maron used to work at the comedy store when Kinnison was coming up.

02:38:21.000 And he did Coke with them.

02:38:22.000 Fuck, really?

02:38:23.000 He did Coke for like 72 hours and stayed up for days.

02:38:26.000 And it broke Maron's brain to the point where Maron said that he was hearing voices for almost a year.

02:38:36.000 Jesus.

02:38:36.000 Anybody who's listening to this, if you want to hear more of it, Mark Maron's episode of this podcast, when Mark Maron was on this podcast, I'm sure it's easy to find.

02:38:45.000 He told some fucking awesome stories about Kinnison.

02:38:48.000 They were amazing.

02:38:49.000 Like I just like my jaw was hanging open.

02:38:52.000 My eyes were glued open.

02:38:55.000 Fantastic.

02:38:56.000 But he was there at the darkest moments of The Beast, like when Kinnison was just in time anywhere, it would be just the 80s and I'd go to the comedy store.

02:39:06.000 Yeah, me too.

02:39:07.000 Like, fuck Caveman.

02:39:09.000 I don't care.

02:39:10.000 I don't even give a shit.

02:39:11.000 I don't even care.

02:39:12.000 Napoleon, cool.

02:39:14.000 I would go see the 1986 comedy store.

02:39:17.000 I'm with you.

02:39:18.000 100%.

02:39:19.000 I would love to see Pryor when like the Live of the Sunsets trip time.

02:39:19.000 Yeah.

02:39:23.000 Like during those days.

02:39:23.000 Yes.

02:39:25.000 I mean, just people clamoring to get in on a Monday night.

02:39:28.000 I would love to see that.

02:39:29.000 Fuck.

02:39:30.000 I want to see that guy, the fucking.

02:39:33.000 I want to see that guy.

02:39:35.000 Jeff, what?

02:39:36.000 Huh?

02:39:37.000 I want to see that.

02:39:38.000 Yeah, no kidding, man.

02:39:40.000 Yeah, but that's because you're a real comic.

02:39:42.000 You know, you really love it.

02:39:44.000 You know, one of the things I saw one of your tweets the other day.

02:39:46.000 I really loved it.

02:39:47.000 Only I would love it.

02:39:48.000 But only comics would love it.

02:39:49.000 Like, all I want to do is be on stage.

02:39:51.000 I don't want to go to your party.

02:39:52.000 I don't want to go to the beach.

02:39:54.000 But people don't get it.

02:39:55.000 Like, the rush and the fun that you have when you're crushing, when you're crushing.

02:40:00.000 Like, I love watching comedy still.

02:40:03.000 And this is something that I've really cultivated.

02:40:04.000 Yeah, you do.

02:40:04.000 Yeah.

02:40:05.000 I notice you.

02:40:05.000 Yeah, that's cool about you.

02:40:06.000 Yeah.

02:40:07.000 I love it.

02:40:08.000 I love laughing.

02:40:09.000 Like, when we were watching Callan the other day.

02:40:10.000 I know, it's great.

02:40:11.000 I love laughing, man.

02:40:12.000 And I love the art form.

02:40:15.000 Callan was doing.

02:40:16.000 I don't want to give his bit away, but he was doing this bit.

02:40:18.000 And I was howling in the back of the room because it was like, he added a bunch of new lines to it.

02:40:22.000 I haven't seen it before.

02:40:24.000 I love it.

02:40:24.000 I still love it.

02:40:25.000 Some people don't, man.

02:40:26.000 That's something, if I could give advice to young comics, don't lose the love as a fan because sometimes comics, they become comics, and then it's all about them.

02:40:36.000 It's all about getting better, and it's all about them killing and not about other people.

02:40:42.000 And then it becomes all about like, you know, like you sort of dissect.

02:40:46.000 Like, I talked to Norton once.

02:40:47.000 He was telling me he doesn't watch other comedy because he worries that he's going to be influenced.

02:40:52.000 And I was like, God, I might have to quit comedy.

02:40:55.000 Really?

02:40:56.000 If that was the case.

02:40:57.000 There is something to be said for that, though.

02:40:58.000 I mean, at least he's got a reason and a freaking.

02:41:00.000 Oh, it's an ethical reason.

02:41:02.000 But I don't think you can avoid being influenced.

02:41:05.000 You're going to be, I think I'm influenced by other comics for sure.

02:41:08.000 I think I'm also influenced by pop culture.

02:41:10.000 I'm influenced by art and music and movies that I see and books that I read.

02:41:15.000 I think life is the entire culture, the entire civilization of human beings is a series of influences.

02:41:22.000 People influencing people, people enhancing people.

02:41:25.000 There's the whole reason to have good friends is good friends enhance you.

02:41:30.000 If you're around people that are constantly pushing and they're constantly getting shit done, it makes you get shit done.

02:41:38.000 When I was a kid, when I was in high school, I had two of my best friends, Jimmy Detilio and Jimmy Lawless.

02:41:44.000 Those guys sound great.

02:41:45.000 Guys, friends.

02:41:46.000 They sound like they're two great guys.

02:41:46.000 They're the great guys.

02:41:48.000 But one of the things that was great about those guys is that they worked hard.

02:41:52.000 When I was in high school, these guys had, like, Jimmy has an electrical company and he's an electrician.

02:41:58.000 And the other Jimmy is a carpenter.

02:42:01.000 And while I was in high school, these guys were constantly working.

02:42:05.000 They would get up early.

02:42:06.000 They would do things.

02:42:07.000 Jimmy Detillio had a fucking snowplow operation.

02:42:10.000 He had a truck that he had bought.

02:42:11.000 We were in high school.

02:42:12.000 He had a fucking plow and a truck, a pickup truck.

02:42:15.000 He'd been making money.

02:42:18.000 He was hustling.

02:42:19.000 He was always getting shit done.

02:42:21.000 And so I would feel lazy if I didn't hustle like these guys did.

02:42:25.000 And I developed a lot of my work ethic from being friends with these guys because they were hustlers because they were constantly getting shit done.

02:42:33.000 And if you're around guys that constantly get shit done, it becomes sort of contagious.

02:42:39.000 And I think comics, they tend to be, a lot of us tend to be very insolent.

02:42:46.000 Not well, the best way to look at it is you concentrate too much on yourself to the point where you avoid other things being good that don't have anything to do with you.

02:43:00.000 Especially like struggling comics.

02:43:02.000 That's one of the reasons why they don't enjoy watching other stand-up.

02:43:06.000 You wish you came up with those jokes.

02:43:08.000 You wish it was you that was up there.

02:43:09.000 You see, like I went to this place, Cap City, once, and Jim Norton was on stage.

02:43:17.000 And I was watching, and beside me were the two guys that were on before Jim Norton.

02:43:22.000 And they didn't laugh at all.

02:43:24.000 They were just sitting there while he was on stage murdering me.

02:43:28.000 And I was crying laughing.

02:43:30.000 And I remember looking over and saying, these guys aren't enjoying this comedy.

02:43:34.000 And there was like a tinge of, I wish it was me up there.

02:43:38.000 There was a tinge that these guys were exhibiting of, I wish it was me.

02:43:42.000 I wish.

02:43:43.000 And I was like, you poor bastards.

02:43:44.000 Like, you're missing out on why did you become a comic in the first place?

02:43:48.000 That's interesting, yeah.

02:43:49.000 Became a comic in the first place because you love comedy, right?

02:43:52.000 Like, I love stand-up comedy long before I ever thought I was coming.

02:43:55.000 I always thought it was the coolest thing to go on stage with no nothing and just say shit and people are entertained.

02:43:59.000 Yeah, and the coolest thing to watch, too.

02:44:01.000 Like, I went to see a bunch of live stand-up before I ever got paid to do it.

02:44:06.000 Like, I saw Kinnison long before I ever did stand-up.

02:44:09.000 I saw Kinnison in 86 in Mansfield, Massachusetts at the Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts.

02:44:16.000 And I saw him again at this place down the Cape.

02:44:18.000 And it was all long before.

02:44:19.000 I saw Rodney Dangerfield long before I ever thought about doing stand-up.

02:44:24.000 And these guys like that don't appreciate it as just a thing to enjoy because they do it themselves.

02:44:32.000 Like, God, you're missing out on a lot, man.

02:44:35.000 It's easy to get caught up in, though.

02:44:35.000 Just laugh.

02:44:37.000 So it is interesting.

02:44:38.000 I mean, to say that is important, I think, because it's easy to get caught up in your own head.

02:44:44.000 Your own head, yeah, exactly.

02:44:45.000 Your own head, your own career, your own selfishness.

02:44:48.000 Think about it only, you know, in terms of like your success.

02:44:52.000 Like, how many comics do you know where other guys will get shit and then they'll get jealous?

02:44:57.000 You were talking about that's happened to you.

02:44:59.000 Like, you, when you started taking off, like, you started out.

02:45:02.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:45:03.000 And then start taking off.

02:45:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

02:45:05.000 Yeah.

02:45:06.000 They get angry.

02:45:07.000 They get angry, yeah.

02:45:07.000 It's very weird, man, because...

02:45:11.000 There'll be no gold left for us, Crystalia.

02:45:14.000 Which is exactly wrong.

02:45:15.000 Yeah.

02:45:16.000 Because if let's all go do this.

02:45:18.000 Yes.

02:45:19.000 And you can.

02:45:19.000 That's the thing.

02:45:20.000 You can absolutely, especially in comedy, you get your crew.

02:45:25.000 Well, not only that, how about the fact that there's 350 million people in the country, and there's how many fucking clubs?

02:45:32.000 It's not like there's one club in New York.

02:45:34.000 We all have to go there and get on stage, and there's no goddamn stage time.

02:45:36.000 No, New York itself has 100 clubs at least.

02:45:40.000 Just New York.

02:45:41.000 LA has, how many fucking clubs are in LA?

02:45:44.000 Jesus Christ.

02:45:45.000 There's the main ones, there's the improv, the laugh factory, the comedy store, and then you've got the ha ha.

02:45:50.000 Then you've got fucking the ice house in Pasadena. 0.96

02:45:53.000 Brea and Irvine.

02:45:53.000 You've got all the.

02:45:54.000 You can go there.

02:45:55.000 Brea, Irvine, Ontario, on and on and on.

02:45:58.000 The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa.

02:46:01.000 I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, there's a lot of places to perform here.

02:46:05.000 And then across the country, like everywhere you go, there's a comedy club.

02:46:10.000 Everywhere you go, there's a place to perform.

02:46:11.000 If you develop an act and you have a following, you develop a following, you're going to work.

02:46:16.000 You're going to have a great time.

02:46:18.000 There's plenty of prosperity.

02:46:21.000 Just keep doing it.

02:46:22.000 Just keep doing it.

02:46:23.000 And also, yeah.

02:46:25.000 Just fucking don't do one club either.

02:46:28.000 Don't just be in Cap City and just do that area.

02:46:31.000 No, that's not good either, right?

02:46:33.000 You know, one of the things I love about comedy is I still love comedy.

02:46:36.000 I fucking still love it, man.

02:46:38.000 You know, I'm getting ready to do the special.

02:46:39.000 I'm filming my special not this upcoming weekend, but the next upcoming weekend.

02:46:43.000 Oh, really?

02:46:43.000 It was that soon, huh?

02:46:44.000 Yeah.

02:46:44.000 And so I'm hammering it, man.

02:46:46.000 I'm doing like four or five nights a week.

02:46:49.000 I'm having so much fun, though.

02:46:51.000 It's cool to see to see that, you know, you still.

02:46:54.000 When's the last time you did a special?

02:46:56.000 Two years ago.

02:46:56.000 Oh, really?

02:46:57.000 Yeah.

02:46:58.000 And where are you taping this one?

02:46:59.000 This one's in Denver.

02:47:00.000 Comedy Works, yeah.

02:47:00.000 Oh, right.

02:47:01.000 Comedy Works in Denver, which is one of my favorite clubs ever.

02:47:05.000 How are you putting it out?

02:47:06.000 Comedy Central.

02:47:07.000 Oh, okay, cool.

02:47:08.000 Where'd you do your last one for?

02:47:10.000 I did Comedy Central, yeah.

02:47:11.000 Where'd you film it?

02:47:12.000 In New Orleans.

02:47:14.000 Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

02:47:14.000 New Orleans.

02:47:16.000 It was awesome.

02:47:17.000 That's a good place to do comedy.

02:47:18.000 It was awesome.

02:47:19.000 It was such a good place to do comedy because they don't have any comedy.

02:47:22.000 They don't have a club.

02:47:23.000 They have a scene, though.

02:47:24.000 They have like goddamn bars and stuff.

02:47:26.000 I know.

02:47:26.000 But it was awesome.

02:47:27.000 I was unsure because it was my first in Comedy Central's, we want you to do it here.

02:47:31.000 And I was like, all right.

02:47:33.000 I'm so happy.

02:47:34.000 Did they piggyback you with a bunch of other specials they were filming where they have the same stage?

02:47:38.000 We each had a night, yeah.

02:47:39.000 But yeah, it was like three nights.

02:47:41.000 It was me, Steve Ranizzizzi, and Neil Brennan.

02:47:43.000 Yeah, they like to do that.

02:47:44.000 They like to do that where they get a place.

02:47:49.000 Yeah.

02:47:50.000 I'm doing this one in a comedy club.

02:47:52.000 It's my first one in a comedy club.

02:47:53.000 I decided that I'm like, there's a thing about watching comedy in a literal.

02:47:58.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:48:00.000 You know what I mean?

02:48:01.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:48:01.000 It's intimate, and you just get to do it in a comedy club.

02:48:04.000 It's better.

02:48:06.000 That's what you're saying.

02:48:07.000 The show's better, too.

02:48:09.000 It's like there's a difference in the show that you see at a theater.

02:48:12.000 It's still great, but it's missing that crackling intimacy that a 300-seat, 250-seat comedy club is.

02:48:21.000 Like I just did American Comedy Company in San Diego.

02:48:24.000 Fucking perfect.

02:48:25.000 I love that club.

02:48:26.000 It's perfect.

02:48:27.000 It's the perfect club.

02:48:28.000 It's perfect.

02:48:29.000 You can't get any better.

02:48:29.000 It's just the perfect size.

02:48:31.000 And before that, I did Wise Guys in Utah.

02:48:33.000 Same thing.

02:48:34.000 Yeah, I don't know that one.

02:48:35.000 Oh, I know the name, but yeah.

02:48:37.000 You got to go there.

02:48:38.000 You fucking ripped that place apart.

02:48:39.000 It's amazing.

02:48:40.000 And the people are cool as fuck.

02:48:43.000 You think of like Salt Lake City as being all a bunch of weirdo religious freaks.

02:48:47.000 But it's not.

02:48:48.000 It's only like a percentage of the population.

02:48:50.000 And everybody else is like working really hard to not be like that guy.

02:48:54.000 Well, yeah, if you have that, you definitely have the opposite of that in one town.

02:48:57.000 Yeah.

02:48:58.000 Where's the places you like to work?

02:48:59.000 I do like the American Comedy Company.

02:49:01.000 I love Carolines.

02:49:02.000 Carolines and Broadway.

02:49:03.000 I love Carolines on Broadway.

02:49:04.000 That's a great place.

02:49:05.000 I love Addison Improv.

02:49:07.000 That's a great place.

02:49:08.000 I love that fucking room.

02:49:09.000 That's a wild room, man.

02:49:10.000 Yeah, it is.

02:49:11.000 Right outside of Dallas.

02:49:12.000 Ooh, that's a fun place.

02:49:13.000 Yeah.

02:49:14.000 My favorite place is a comedy store, though, man.

02:49:15.000 That's a great spot.

02:49:17.000 Favorite?

02:49:17.000 It's our original room.

02:49:18.000 Yeah, it's probably one of the best rooms ever.

02:49:20.000 If not the best.

02:49:20.000 Yeah.

02:49:22.000 That's like the only room that's built.

02:49:26.000 Every other club is built for the audience.

02:49:28.000 That is built for the comedian.

02:49:30.000 It's like the only room, really, that I can think of that's built for you.

02:49:33.000 I'm working my way to get back there.

02:49:35.000 I might go back there.

02:49:36.000 Joey started going back there again.

02:49:38.000 Joey's my fucking canary in a coal mine.

02:49:41.000 Joey's one of the main reasons why I decided not to go back in the first place.

02:49:44.000 He actually quit before the Mancia thing went down.

02:49:46.000 Yeah, he didn't like a lot of the things about the way the store was going.

02:49:46.000 Oh, really?

02:49:49.000 Oh, yeah, it's different now.

02:49:50.000 I mean, we wish you would come back, dude.

02:49:51.000 That would be fucking awesome.

02:49:52.000 He didn't get along with Paul either.

02:49:54.000 Oh, gotcha.

02:49:55.000 Yeah.

02:49:57.000 I'm there all the time.

02:49:58.000 Yeah.

02:49:59.000 Well, maybe I will.

02:50:00.000 Maybe I will.

02:50:00.000 But listen, man, it's been fun doing gigs with you.

02:50:03.000 I've been enjoying doing the improv.

02:50:05.000 Yeah, it's been really fun.

02:50:07.000 It's just been fun to have somebody not in the green room with.

02:50:11.000 Yeah.

02:50:12.000 There's no green room there.

02:50:13.000 We were talking about the improv in Hollywood.

02:50:16.000 If we were on the road and we worked at that club, people were like, there's no fucking green room.

02:50:20.000 There's nowhere to stand.

02:50:22.000 Like in between shows, you just get weirded out.

02:50:25.000 All these strangers that glom onto you.

02:50:28.000 Joe and I will use each other.

02:50:29.000 We'll be like, yeah, just here, hang out.

02:50:31.000 We'll fucking be next to each other and somebody will. 0.85

02:50:33.000 Let me show you something.

02:50:35.000 We've shown each other nothing, by the way.

02:50:39.000 Oh, yeah.

02:50:39.000 We pretend like we want to go see.

02:50:41.000 No, I want to see this guy's act here.

02:50:42.000 Let's go in.

02:50:43.000 Let's go into the showroom now.

02:50:44.000 Stay with us.

02:50:44.000 Let's go.

02:50:45.000 Nothing like it.

02:50:46.000 Yeah, no, it's been fun, dude.

02:50:47.000 It's been cool, like, rolling with you and just being near you and doing that shit.

02:50:52.000 It's been real fun.

02:50:53.000 Yeah.

02:50:53.000 And it's been fun doing a podcast.

02:50:55.000 We just did three hours.

02:50:56.000 It's over.

02:50:57.000 Yeah, that kind of went quick.

02:50:58.000 It flew by.

02:51:00.000 We hope it flew by for you, too.

02:51:02.000 Ladies and gentlemen, if it didn't fly by for you, we apologize.

02:51:06.000 But that's on you.

02:51:08.000 But we don't really say sorry, remember?

02:51:10.000 We don't really give a fuck.

02:51:12.000 All right, that's it.

02:51:12.000 That's the end.

02:51:14.000 Thanks, everybody.

02:51:15.000 Thanks for listening.

02:51:16.000 We'll be back on Wednesday.

02:51:18.000 I got mad.

02:51:19.000 Fucking podcast this week, ladies and gentlemen.

02:51:22.000 Stamps.com.

02:51:23.000 Thanks to stamps.com.

02:51:24.000 Use the code word J-R-E for your special bonus offer, $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale, which you are not allowed to use for mushrooms.

02:51:33.000 We're also brought to you by Squarespace.

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02:51:50.000 All right, you fucks.

02:51:51.000 We'll see you soon.

02:51:53.000 Until then, much love.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 11, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #533 - Chris D'Elia

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Summary

Transcript