The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #555 - Rory Albanese

00:00:13.000 I missed the English broad. 1.00

00:00:15.000 We gotta bring her back. 0.99

00:00:16.000 You want that?

00:00:17.000 Eventually.

00:00:20.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:23.000 See, that's not English, though.

00:00:25.000 Isn't there an English version of it?

00:00:27.000 Where it's got more of an English...

00:00:28.000 Or how high was I when I heard it?

00:00:29.000 You might have been high.

00:00:31.000 She was very proper.

00:00:34.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:00:36.000 Can we do that?

00:00:37.000 Sure, I can make it.

00:00:38.000 You can get a real chick to do it. 1.00

00:00:40.000 Hey, Rory.

00:00:40.000 What's up, buddy?

00:00:41.000 Hey, Joe.

00:00:42.000 How are you?

00:00:42.000 Thanks for doing this, man.

00:00:43.000 Appreciate it.

00:00:43.000 Thank you.

00:00:43.000 Seriously, I really appreciate you having me do it.

00:00:45.000 Dude, you have a fucking amazing story. 0.98

00:00:47.000 You have a Hollywood success story. 1.00

00:00:48.000 Do I? Yeah.

00:00:50.000 It's pretty...

00:00:52.000 Get this thing right up to your face so you can hear it.

00:00:54.000 Oh yeah, that feels good.

00:00:55.000 Baby, that's what I'm saying.

00:00:56.000 Yeah, can I get another one on my other cheek? 0.99

00:00:58.000 They're fucking everywhere. 0.99

00:00:59.000 I'm going to put them all over you. 1.00

00:01:01.000 These mics are sweet, man.

00:01:03.000 I'm going to tune you up.

00:01:04.000 Turn that off for a second.

00:01:05.000 I've got to do something.

00:01:07.000 No, it's very un-Hollywood in the sense that I was in New York and working at The Daily Show, which is next to the horse stables for Central Park.

00:01:16.000 Yeah, I should say it's a great showbiz story.

00:01:19.000 I guess so, yeah.

00:01:20.000 You went from being like a PA to the executive producer of The Daily Show.

00:01:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:25.000 Dude, that's fucking awesome. 0.94

00:01:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:01:26.000 Yeah, well, it was good. 0.98

00:01:29.000 I didn't know that that was going to happen.

00:01:31.000 I wanted to do comedy.

00:01:32.000 I wanted to do stand-up, but I went to college.

00:01:35.000 So I felt weird coming out of college and telling my parents I was just going to be a comedian.

00:01:40.000 Remember all that money and stuff?

00:01:42.000 I'm just going to tell jokes.

00:01:44.000 I come from...

00:01:45.000 My dad's like an old-school Italian guy.

00:01:47.000 He doesn't understand this kind of stuff.

00:01:49.000 He's like, what?

00:01:50.000 What about a job?

00:01:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:51.000 Get a job.

00:01:52.000 He would have been happier if I said I was going to be...

00:01:55.000 Like a mailman or an electrician.

00:01:57.000 That would have made more sense than a job in TV. Or comedy in general.

00:02:01.000 So I got the job here and that could at least justify the...

00:02:04.000 The love of comedy.

00:02:06.000 That sort of makes sense.

00:02:07.000 Like, look, I'm working in serious business.

00:02:10.000 This is the making of television shows.

00:02:12.000 We're very successful over here.

00:02:13.000 Well, at least I had to go somewhere.

00:02:14.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:02:15.000 I think that was a big part of it.

00:02:17.000 It was like, well, what do you do in the morning when the alarm was off?

00:02:20.000 Oh, you don't have to get up in the morning because you just work at night in comedy clubs.

00:02:23.000 Like, what?

00:02:24.000 Yeah.

00:02:24.000 How about the comics that we know that don't do anything during the day at all?

00:02:28.000 I mean, they just fuck off completely until they get on stage. 0.91

00:02:30.000 Which I'm always quite jealous of, actually, you know? 0.99

00:02:34.000 But I always had that feeling when people go, how do you do both?

00:02:36.000 I'm like, well, you know, once during the day, you know?

00:02:40.000 So that's one way to do both.

00:02:41.000 Though as I got older, I got more tired at night, and it's harder to go out and do clubs after the Daily Show.

00:02:47.000 It is, right?

00:02:47.000 It's the hardest thing in the world when you're on a set.

00:02:49.000 Not the hardest thing in the world.

00:02:50.000 I should never even say that.

00:02:52.000 Look, compared to anything else, it's really easy. 0.99

00:02:55.000 It's too easy as fuck. 0.98

00:02:56.000 But I mean, it's hard to work, what I was going to say, it's the hardest thing in the world to work a full-time job and then try to go out and pursue something because all your juice is gone. 1.00

00:03:05.000 Yeah.

00:03:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:06.000 I mean, anything you're trying to do, that's like...

00:03:09.000 Athletes that have full-time jobs, like fighters that have full-time jobs. 1.00

00:03:11.000 Fuck, that's hard. 0.99

00:03:12.000 And that's even harder because they have hours of training they have to put in every day. 1.00

00:03:16.000 But just when you're done, at the end of the day, you're done.

00:03:19.000 You want to get a bite to eat, watch TV. You don't want to go over your notes and fucking... 0.99

00:03:24.000 Yeah, or for me, the other thing was, too, is I'm still not even at a place where I walk into a club and they're like, oh, just get right up. 0.97

00:03:32.000 Usually they're like, why don't you clean up this mess at 1.30 a.m.?

00:03:35.000 So for me, a lot of it was just, I love doing the time, but sometimes you've got to hang out at the club.

00:03:43.000 My bigger problem was, because then I have fun hanging out with other comics, and afterwards I have a couple of drinks, the next thing I know I... The harder problem was getting up the next morning and being on time.

00:03:52.000 Yeah, you have to be working three hours.

00:03:52.000 Right.

00:03:53.000 So that's where I started to have that, you know, while I'm doing...

00:03:56.000 The thing that was good about my day job is it got me better at comedy.

00:03:59.000 So I didn't really lose the, like, sort of experience I think I would have gotten on stage.

00:04:05.000 What I didn't get by doing it every night for a while was...

00:04:10.000 You know, like, seasoned on stage, it took me a little longer to get, like, comfortable on stage.

00:04:15.000 To get back into the groove.

00:04:16.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:18.000 But, uh, still, it was a good experience.

00:04:20.000 PA to EP was fun.

00:04:21.000 That's amazing. 0.99

00:04:22.000 That's one of those stories that you're gonna ruin the expectations for every fucking kid who ever becomes a PA. They're all going to think, this is it. 0.99

00:04:29.000 I have to say, at The Daily Show, because it's been on so long and John's such a cool guy and really gave people opportunities there, I was among the first people to make that journey, but now have not been the only one.

00:04:41.000 The head writer there...

00:04:43.000 It was a PA. That's amazing.

00:04:45.000 A bunch of the EPs and co-EPs and stuff were PAs.

00:04:48.000 Wow.

00:04:49.000 It's like a farm system, almost, for good writing and producing.

00:04:53.000 It's pretty cool.

00:04:53.000 That's fantastic.

00:04:54.000 And it's become, for a lot of people, how they get the news.

00:04:58.000 Yeah, that's a problem.

00:05:00.000 That's weird.

00:05:01.000 Isn't that weird?

00:05:02.000 Yeah.

00:05:03.000 That's how people get the news.

00:05:04.000 I know.

00:05:04.000 Jon Stewart.

00:05:05.000 Yeah, people tell me that a lot.

00:05:07.000 They say, well, that's where I get my news.

00:05:08.000 And I get it.

00:05:09.000 Like, I remember being in college.

00:05:10.000 We go to college, kids get their news.

00:05:12.000 I feel like I didn't even watch the news when I was in college.

00:05:14.000 Like, I don't know.

00:05:14.000 You're in college, you know?

00:05:16.000 Yeah.

00:05:16.000 So I guess it's better than nothing.

00:05:18.000 But I always tell people it's a good place to start to get interested in a topic and then go off and do your own research or whatever you want.

00:05:25.000 Because when people get into political debates...

00:05:27.000 Off of emails and daily show clips.

00:05:30.000 And they're like, that's actually not true.

00:05:32.000 They don't have a real understanding of each story necessarily.

00:05:36.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing, isn't it?

00:05:38.000 When you're doing a television show that's also an educational show and also has a very progressive point of view. 0.99

00:05:47.000 What you would think of when you think of Jon Stewart is very intelligent, very progressive, mocking of both the left and the right when they do ridiculous shit. 0.99

00:05:55.000 But it's got to be funny. 0.99

00:05:57.000 Sure.

00:05:59.000 That's a hard job.

00:06:00.000 Yeah, well, it's really hard for him.

00:06:02.000 For me, it was a lot easier because I got to watch him do it.

00:06:05.000 I mean, that's the thing about John that's amazing.

00:06:07.000 He's involved from 9 a.m.

00:06:10.000 through the end of the show, obviously, when he hosts it.

00:06:13.000 But in other words, he's so intimately involved and he's so smart and he's so sharp that when he's in the chair, I never worried about a joke not working.

00:06:22.000 Because even when they didn't work, He just would call an audible in his own head and then remember a joke from the 90-an meeting that he liked that didn't make the script and throw that in.

00:06:32.000 It's pretty amazing to watch him, too, sitting in the studio because he'll change a joke in prompter as the prompter's scrolling, and then later there's a callback to the joke he changed, and he remembers to change the callback or skip the callback.

00:06:45.000 And I'm sitting there with the script watching the prompter going, oh, no.

00:06:49.000 I'm like, oh, no, here it comes.

00:06:50.000 Here comes the callback, like, we're screwed, you know?

00:06:53.000 And then he just jumps it or tags it with the joke.

00:06:56.000 It's amazing.

00:06:57.000 Yeah, it's really like watching a pretty incredible film.

00:06:59.000 Well, that guy's been doing it for that long, too. 0.98

00:07:02.000 I mean, he's fucking smooth. 0.97

00:07:05.000 He's so used to that gig. 0.97

00:07:07.000 Like, for Jimmy Fallon or maybe for Seth Meyers, who tried the same sort of impromptu ad-lib, they might pull it off, but Jon Stewart's been doing it forever.

00:07:16.000 Yeah.

00:07:16.000 Forever and ever.

00:07:18.000 Oh, no doubt.

00:07:18.000 And he also...

00:07:20.000 Yeah, and he also just knows a lot.

00:07:23.000 Well, he's a good comic, too, before he ever started doing that.

00:07:25.000 Yeah, he's a great comic.

00:07:26.000 But he also just knows, he understands comedy in a way that, I'm sure those, you know, I know both Seth and Jimmy, super funny guys, I just never worked with them in that capacity.

00:07:37.000 So I know John understands it like music, you know what I'm saying?

00:07:41.000 Where he'll go, oh no, that won't work, this will work.

00:07:43.000 Right.

00:07:44.000 You know, and people go, how do you know something's going to work before you try it?

00:07:46.000 And it's like, you just kind of know, I don't know, you just kind of know.

00:07:49.000 Well, he also has a very specific voice.

00:07:52.000 He knows his voice, his style of delivery.

00:07:55.000 Absolutely.

00:07:55.000 It's a fascinating show because it's very political, but yet very funny.

00:08:03.000 He doesn't sacrifice going for funny to try to look less silly or try to look dignified.

00:08:11.000 He's not trying to monologue it.

00:08:13.000 He's just making this stuff as funny as he can. 0.98

00:08:16.000 Sometimes he gets extremely animated, and it's fucking hilarious. 0.71

00:08:20.000 I mean, he's versatile in that sense. 0.91

00:08:23.000 He can really do any kind of comedy.

00:08:26.000 I think it's because it really is.

00:08:29.000 This always bothers people so much.

00:08:31.000 They always want to go, oh, they think The Daily Show is like an agenda.

00:08:34.000 We're all sitting around in a circle being like, how do we screw the right?

00:08:37.000 Yeah.

00:08:37.000 It's like, no, it doesn't.

00:08:40.000 People don't believe that, and they go, oh, you're just hiding behind the fact that it's a comedy show.

00:08:44.000 No, doing comedy is really hard.

00:08:46.000 There's nothing to hide.

00:08:47.000 We still have to take the stories.

00:08:48.000 We still try to get everything right.

00:08:50.000 We have people who fact-check.

00:08:52.000 There's a guy there named Adam Chodokoff who's just a guru of information, and will come in to the rewrite room between rehearsal and the show after we change the joke.

00:09:01.000 And I go...

00:09:01.000 You can't say this this way because it's statistically inaccurate.

00:09:06.000 Sometimes I'm like, yeah, man, no one's going to care.

00:09:08.000 You can't say that.

00:09:09.000 But I'm saying it's not even...

00:09:11.000 We really fact-check stuff that goes out.

00:09:16.000 Really, a big part of the day is figuring out how to tell the story, the narrative, and then adding the jokes is why you have writers and guys like John.

00:09:24.000 Then you can pile on the funny.

00:09:26.000 But funny is the most important thing there.

00:09:28.000 It really is.

00:09:29.000 That's why I stayed so long, because it's not like a...

00:09:32.000 I don't know.

00:09:33.000 There's no movement happening there.

00:09:35.000 It's just a comedy show.

00:09:36.000 Well, that's why everybody who gets so attached to it is so crazy.

00:09:39.000 It's like...

00:09:41.000 They want it almost to be more ideologically driven than it is. 0.89

00:09:45.000 It's like people would want it if he said something ridiculous in support of Obama. 0.83

00:09:50.000 They would like it. 0.98

00:09:51.000 But if Obama fucks up, he goes after him too. 0.97

00:09:53.000 All the time. 0.99

00:09:54.000 I mean, that's the thing.

00:09:55.000 The show really became what it is or what people think of it as now during the Bush administration.

00:10:01.000 So I think people really associated it being this hardcore left-wing show.

00:10:08.000 And it definitely slants left.

00:10:11.000 It's hard sometimes for it not to in comedy because everything that's...

00:10:16.000 When you're pointing out some things that are just straight up absurd, it's hard sometimes not to seem left because you're throwing away, like, you know.

00:10:25.000 So I think that's why people go, oh, why don't people do a right-wing Daily Show?

00:10:29.000 It's like, it's not really a left or a right thing.

00:10:31.000 It's just a lot of times comedy is dismissive of people taking themselves too seriously and conservatives have a tendency to take things very seriously.

00:10:39.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:10:40.000 That's exactly what they are.

00:10:42.000 Right.

00:10:42.000 They're conservative.

00:10:43.000 Exactly.

00:10:43.000 They're taking it more seriously.

00:10:45.000 And a comic by nature is the guy sitting in the back of the classroom being like, look at this dick, you know? 0.98

00:10:49.000 It's just like, you don't really care about what the person's saying. 0.98

00:10:52.000 You're just finding places to get a laugh. 0.88

00:10:55.000 And I think, so for us, when the left does absurd things, which is also quite frequent, like, Occupy Wall Street was a perfect example of my favorite times at The Daily Show, where we're like ripping the left a new asshole, and the audience, because I'm in the studio, or used to be, and the audience is like, what? 0.94

00:11:11.000 What are you guys doing, man? 0.96

00:11:13.000 Just John!

00:11:13.000 This is our movement, man!

00:11:15.000 And they zip up their zippies over their John Stewart for President t-shirts. 1.00

00:11:20.000 They're like, oh shit! 1.00

00:11:21.000 And for me, it was like, we crushed those dudes. 1.00

00:11:24.000 And then I'd go to the desk between commercials and we'd be like, yeah.

00:11:27.000 You know?

00:11:29.000 It's a stand-ups mentality.

00:11:30.000 I just came back from Madison, Wisconsin this weekend.

00:11:34.000 It's an amazing city.

00:11:37.000 The club is awesome.

00:11:39.000 The shows were so fun.

00:11:40.000 But there were groans from the crowd on certain things I would say because it was this college town.

00:11:46.000 And colleges now are really...

00:11:49.000 I know that's a taboo right-wing thing to say, but there's a left-wing...

00:11:55.000 Political correctness in college now that is...

00:11:58.000 Extreme.

00:11:59.000 And I remember, like, ten years ago, doing a college gig is very different than now.

00:12:02.000 You make a joke about people, like, whoa.

00:12:05.000 And that was happening in Madison, and there's...

00:12:07.000 You know, as a comic, right?

00:12:09.000 Like, you feel that from the crowd, and you go, wait, what just happened?

00:12:12.000 Yeah.

00:12:12.000 And then, you know, you want to, like, poke it a little bit.

00:12:14.000 So on The Daily Show, John's a comic, when we hit a note on something, we were going after Hillary in 08, same thing.

00:12:21.000 What are you guys doing?

00:12:22.000 Yeah.

00:12:23.000 I don't know.

00:12:23.000 We're doing what we do.

00:12:25.000 We're making fun of people who are in charge.

00:12:28.000 It's selective outrage.

00:12:30.000 Well, it's one of the more interesting things that's happened during the transition between the Bush administration and the Obama administration, is that people are starting to deny this whole party thing. 0.98

00:12:40.000 They're starting to go, look, we're getting fucked here. 0.62

00:12:43.000 This is not a left or a right, so... 0.74

00:12:46.000 These ideas that everybody on the right subscribes to, like, immediately.

00:12:49.000 You tell someone that you're a Republican, and they immediately think you've got some freaky ideas about gay marriage, you're pro-war, you're anti-abortion.

00:12:57.000 They just start throwing things.

00:12:59.000 Like, you automatically get tossed into a very extreme category.

00:13:03.000 Or, if you say, I only vote Democrat, you automatically get...

00:13:24.000 It's so funny that you say that because that's literally like the thing that's Obsessed, I'm obsessed with since I left the show and that's why I've been talking about my stand-up act.

00:13:33.000 It's like we're giving two choices and it's you pick a box and then that's what you feel about every issue in that column.

00:13:40.000 And you're like, well, wait a minute.

00:13:41.000 What if I'm pro-choice but I'm okay with guns?

00:13:44.000 Right.

00:13:45.000 What do I do?

00:13:45.000 You can't.

00:13:46.000 You're not allowed.

00:13:47.000 You're not allowed.

00:13:48.000 You can be left or you can be right.

00:13:50.000 And like you said, nuance.

00:13:51.000 That's just called thinking.

00:13:52.000 In other words, whatever happened to something comes up and smart people sit around and talk about it and think about it instead of going, knee-jerk, knee-jerk.

00:14:00.000 If this happens, the right's going to get this.

00:14:02.000 It's so odd.

00:14:03.000 And I don't understand how...

00:14:05.000 And I agree with you.

00:14:06.000 I don't think most people feel that way, but I think the people who have a voice on TV or media, I should say, are picking sides.

00:14:15.000 So it's like you're just sort of getting glumped into one of those two.

00:14:18.000 There's a real issue with that, for sure.

00:14:20.000 There's a real issue with the people that are running these shows also taking safe choices.

00:14:25.000 That's a real issue.

00:14:26.000 Like, if you're easy to define. 0.99

00:14:28.000 But how the fuck did guns and gay marriage get put in the same group? 0.99

00:14:31.000 How come they're even remotely connected? 0.99

00:14:34.000 Yeah.

00:14:34.000 Like, you can be pro-gay marriage and you have to not want a gun?

00:14:38.000 Yeah.

00:14:39.000 You can't own a gun.

00:14:40.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:14:41.000 I don't see the connection.

00:14:43.000 They're bizarre connections.

00:14:44.000 Those are connections.

00:14:46.000 Conservative and progressive connections sometimes don't make any sense at all.

00:14:49.000 Well, I also think, too, especially now, the argument against guns, and I'm not saying I don't own a gun, but I understand why people do.

00:14:59.000 I don't own a gun because I live in New York City, and it's just not a good place to open carry.

00:15:04.000 You don't want to cruise around Manhattan with a.357 hanging over your head.

00:15:09.000 Anthony Cumia actually does carry a gun with him everywhere.

00:15:12.000 In New York as well.

00:15:14.000 Because in New York, you're really not allowed to carry a weapon.

00:15:16.000 But he has a concealed carry permit.

00:15:18.000 National?

00:15:19.000 Yeah.

00:15:19.000 No, he has a New York one.

00:15:20.000 Wow.

00:15:21.000 Yeah.

00:15:21.000 It cost him a lot of money and a lot of time.

00:15:24.000 You've got to bribe some Staten Island people to get one of those.

00:15:26.000 I don't know who had to bribe.

00:15:27.000 I don't know what he had to do.

00:15:28.000 You've got to go to an out-of-borough bribe house to get one of those.

00:15:31.000 You gotta be in the secret poker game.

00:15:34.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:15:35.000 That's some old school New York shit. 0.99

00:15:37.000 He's also a public figure. 1.00

00:15:39.000 I'm sure he's had death threats.

00:15:41.000 Worries about his safety.

00:15:42.000 You know the whole story with him getting kicked off the air?

00:15:46.000 No.

00:15:46.000 He was taking photographs at 4 o'clock in the morning in New York.

00:15:50.000 Some woman beat him up. 1.00

00:15:51.000 Some chick he took a picture of.

00:15:53.000 He had a gun on him the entire time. 0.96

00:15:56.000 Then he went on this tirade about the crime problem and black America. 0.99

00:16:00.000 You know, the violence problem in black men. 1.00

00:16:02.000 They fired him from Opie and Anthony. 0.98

00:16:03.000 Just giant outrage.

00:16:05.000 Outrage on both sides.

00:16:06.000 But the point being, this guy had a gun on him.

00:16:08.000 He has a gun on him all the time.

00:16:10.000 And he did nothing with it.

00:16:12.000 Yeah, he did nothing with it.

00:16:13.000 He said he wasn't in danger. 0.98

00:16:15.000 She was hitting him, but it sucked. 0.92

00:16:18.000 But in Florida, that person gets shot every time. 0.99

00:16:20.000 Probably.

00:16:21.000 In Florida, this conversation alone could get you shot.

00:16:27.000 Did you guys talk about somebody getting in a fight? 0.99

00:16:30.000 I'm shooting somebody. 0.99

00:16:30.000 I am shooting somebody. 0.99

00:16:32.000 They're pretty sure there's a loophole. 0.94

00:16:34.000 I definitely don't think everybody should have a gun.

00:16:36.000 I definitely think it should be hard to get a gun.

00:16:38.000 I think you should have to...

00:16:39.000 I mean, we should all agree on what the requirements are, but mental health requirements?

00:16:44.000 They should give you a mental health evaluation?

00:16:46.000 To me, the gun issue has always just been...

00:16:50.000 In order to go scuba diving, you've got to take a class and a test.

00:16:55.000 And that's just so you don't come up too fast and get the bends or whatever.

00:16:59.000 In order to get a car, which everyone says is a weapon, if you drive drunk or whatever, it's a weapon.

00:17:03.000 You've got to go to jail for homicide if you kill somebody in a car drunk or whatever.

00:17:08.000 You've got to take a test, get a license.

00:17:11.000 To me, it's just like...

00:17:12.000 Guns are fine, but why not just... 1.00

00:17:14.000 You pass the handgun class, get a handgun, you register...

00:17:17.000 To me, it's just about knowing who's getting the guns, because then at some point, someone's like, I want to take the bazooka class, and you're like, we should watch that guy.

00:17:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:26.000 The guy who wants to take the bazooka class, it seems like...

00:17:29.000 Maybe he gets on a list.

00:17:31.000 I don't know.

00:17:32.000 Or he doesn't.

00:17:33.000 I don't want to piss people.

00:17:33.000 I don't want a guy with a bazooka fining me.

00:17:35.000 They're going to get mad at you right now even for suggesting that.

00:17:38.000 No, but I'm just saying a class to me seems like a reasonable...

00:17:40.000 It seems very reasonable.

00:17:41.000 Yeah, but again, I get it.

00:17:42.000 It's like the country...

00:17:43.000 But then I think about this a lot.

00:17:45.000 The Second Amendment, the argument is...

00:17:47.000 It's different now.

00:17:48.000 The Constitution is an ancient document.

00:17:50.000 People used to have muskets.

00:17:51.000 Now they have AR-15s.

00:17:52.000 But the same is true with the First Amendment, because people used to just stand in a town square and yell stuff they wanted to get off their chest.

00:17:59.000 But now we've got Twitter, which is like the AR-15 of free speech. 0.99

00:18:03.000 And it's like, now you've got crazy people putting shit out there. 0.99

00:18:09.000 So it's the same thing. 0.99

00:18:10.000 Well, maybe we've got to scale that thing back.

00:18:12.000 Well, how about what you can do in the name of parody?

00:18:15.000 Like, there's all these websites that just write fake stories.

00:18:18.000 I know.

00:18:18.000 And these fake stories aren't even funny.

00:18:19.000 They're just totally fake.

00:18:20.000 Right.

00:18:21.000 And people retweet them and tweet them, and you go to the website.

00:18:24.000 It says somewhere on the website, this is a parody site. 0.99

00:18:26.000 And you're like, oh, you fucks. 0.99

00:18:28.000 It's like a right-wing onion, you know? 1.00

00:18:30.000 Yeah.

00:18:30.000 It's like not funny.

00:18:31.000 Some of them are unbelievably bad.

00:18:32.000 And those are the ones, like, my mom sends me.

00:18:34.000 She's like, did you see this?

00:18:36.000 Did you see this?

00:18:36.000 This is what all Muslim people are like.

00:18:38.000 I'm like, that's not...

00:18:40.000 That's a photoshopped thing, you know?

00:18:44.000 There's a mom-forwarding community.

00:18:47.000 I think the gun argument is that if you make it so that people have to take a mental health evaluation, the real extreme guys would say, well, then someone is going to decide who gets to have this gun.

00:19:01.000 And that'll be political and ideologically driven, and the left will make sure that no one is mentally capable of carrying a gun.

00:19:08.000 Yeah, well, that's what I was saying.

00:19:09.000 I don't think it's a mental health thing.

00:19:11.000 I just think it's like a road test.

00:19:12.000 That's all I'm saying.

00:19:13.000 Well, it should be both, right?

00:19:14.000 I mean, it's a different thing than a car because it's not transportation.

00:19:18.000 Its only purpose is to shoot things. 0.85

00:19:20.000 But, yeah, I guess its only purpose is to shoot things.

00:19:23.000 But for some people, it's a hobby.

00:19:25.000 For some people, they like to go to a shooting.

00:19:27.000 Oh, yeah. 0.54

00:19:27.000 They like to shoot. 0.54

00:19:28.000 They're entitled to like to do that.

00:19:29.000 Just like a bow and arrow you don't even need a license for.

00:19:32.000 Just go to a store.

00:19:33.000 I know, which is also...

00:19:34.000 I guess.

00:19:35.000 And even a crossbow.

00:19:36.000 Yeah, a crossbow is just like...

00:19:37.000 Those things are crazy!

00:19:38.000 Are you allowed to wear a crossbow just around your...

00:19:41.000 That's a good question.

00:19:42.000 That would be cool to do. 0.98

00:19:44.000 It would be cool as shit to do. 0.96

00:19:45.000 I think there's a limit on what size blade you can have for a knife, but I wonder if a weapon like a crossbow... 0.98

00:19:51.000 But I mean, walking around a city with a quiver and a bow and arrow is pretty badass.

00:19:56.000 You should look into that.

00:19:58.000 I'm sure you can use arrowheads.

00:20:00.000 Well, you can have them.

00:20:01.000 No, I mean, an arrowhead tied to a stick...

00:20:04.000 Arrowhead tied to a stick.

00:20:05.000 I mean, you can have a boat.

00:20:06.000 Instead of using arrows with real sharp ends, you can use an arrowhead.

00:20:10.000 That's just a rock.

00:20:14.000 Arrowhead?

00:20:14.000 What do you mean?

00:20:15.000 There's arrowheads, you know, you find in Ohio.

00:20:17.000 Oh, the ancient Indian ones? 1.00

00:20:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:18.000 You're saying, like, take a piece of flint.

00:20:20.000 Well, those are a weapon.

00:20:20.000 That is a weapon, though.

00:20:22.000 Yeah, that's a weapon.

00:20:22.000 That's a weapon, still.

00:20:24.000 That was a solid weapon for centuries, actually.

00:20:26.000 Yeah, I mean, you can't deny that an arrowhead is designed specifically to kill things.

00:20:31.000 So if you get pulled over with a bunch of arrowheads, you're in trouble. 0.98

00:20:34.000 Well, you could, if you were attached to an actual device, like a stick, like if you had a spear in your car, like a real spear that was tied down with animal sinew and a giant flint fucking blade. 0.98

00:20:47.000 Hanging across the back of your... 0.97

00:20:48.000 Yeah, like those caveman ones you only see in the...

00:20:50.000 What is it called?

00:20:51.000 Obsidian?

00:20:52.000 Is that what it is?

00:20:53.000 That weird rock.

00:20:54.000 It's like a black, cool, shiny rock that slices up nice when you chip away at it.

00:21:00.000 Yeah, that's probably the line.

00:21:02.000 But you can say, like, hey, I'm just into archaeology.

00:21:05.000 Yeah.

00:21:06.000 Or I'm 12 and I found it outside.

00:21:09.000 Isn't it funny you can still find those in some places?

00:21:11.000 I found one when I was a kid in Ohio.

00:21:13.000 Did you really?

00:21:13.000 Yeah, I guess it was very common because there was this place, Old Man's Cave...

00:21:20.000 Old Man's Cave.

00:21:21.000 Really?

00:21:21.000 There's really a place called Old Man's Cave.

00:21:24.000 Are you sure that's not a Scooby-Doo?

00:21:27.000 Jeepers Creepers! 1.00

00:21:29.000 We're at Old Man's Cave! 1.00

00:21:31.000 You pull his mask off and it's really the fucking town mayor. 1.00

00:21:34.000 He's not an old man after all! 1.00

00:21:35.000 It's a young lady! 0.95

00:21:36.000 I remember the one I... The one I found was broken, but you could tell it was the tip or the half of one.

00:21:43.000 Oh, wow, that's so cool.

00:21:45.000 I would love to find something like that that you know somebody used for sure hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and you're just holding on to it, trying to think about what time has passed with that.

00:21:53.000 Very cool.

00:21:54.000 This is Old Man's Cave.

00:21:56.000 It really is a place?

00:21:57.000 Yeah, and it's just like this.

00:21:59.000 No, dude, that's Young Ladies Gulch.

00:22:01.000 I know.

00:22:02.000 I know my way around Ohio. 0.99

00:22:04.000 That's a dope fucking cool little spot, man. 0.99

00:22:06.000 You found an arrowhead there? 0.98

00:22:08.000 Yeah.

00:22:08.000 There's a waterfall like that?

00:22:09.000 Oh, there's tons.

00:22:10.000 Old Man's Cave is badass.

00:22:12.000 That is so cool.

00:22:13.000 That's so cool.

00:22:14.000 Wow.

00:22:15.000 And then there's like insides where you go inside and there's like slag mites and...

00:22:19.000 Stalagnites. 0.83

00:22:20.000 How do you say it?

00:22:21.000 Stalactites.

00:22:22.000 Stalagmite and stalactite. 0.99

00:22:23.000 Have you ever seen that fucking spot that they found in Mexico that looks like... 0.98

00:22:28.000 Remember Superman's dad? 0.99

00:22:32.000 He had that crazy island.

00:22:33.000 You mean Marlon Brando?

00:22:34.000 Didn't he also have a crazy place?

00:22:36.000 He had a crazy island, yeah.

00:22:38.000 Marlon Brando was his dad.

00:22:40.000 He was his dad.

00:22:40.000 Yeah, Brando was his dad, yeah.

00:22:42.000 Remember he had that crazy place where they would go and there was all the ice crystals and shit. 0.97

00:22:45.000 It looked really nutty. 0.95

00:22:47.000 Fortress of Solitude, is that it?

00:22:48.000 Yeah.

00:22:48.000 There's a place in Mexico that looks like a real live Fortress of Solitude.

00:22:52.000 Pull it up.

00:22:54.000 Pull up Fortress of Solitude in Mexico. 0.66

00:22:56.000 Crystal caves.

00:22:57.000 Crystal caves in Mexico.

00:22:59.000 They're crystals. 1.00

00:23:00.000 And they're fucking huge, man. 0.99

00:23:03.000 Like giant ones all over the place. 0.99

00:23:04.000 That's so cool.

00:23:05.000 It doesn't even look real, and it's apparently insanely hot down there.

00:23:08.000 Like, you can't even stay down there for very long while you're examining it, because it's like 140, 150 degrees.

00:23:12.000 Because you're like under the ground in Mexico, right? 0.57

00:23:14.000 You're cooking in Mexico. 0.99

00:23:16.000 That's awesome.

00:23:17.000 Look at this.

00:23:18.000 This is real. 1.00

00:23:19.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:23:20.000 Those are people, man. 1.00

00:23:21.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:23:21.000 That's a fucking dude. 1.00

00:23:23.000 Those are scientists. 1.00

00:23:24.000 That's crazy.

00:23:25.000 Walking on top of these giant beams of crystal.

00:23:28.000 Wow.

00:23:28.000 That's crazy.

00:23:29.000 It's fucking insane. 0.99

00:23:31.000 Those crystals are 40, 50 feet long. 0.99

00:23:33.000 Some of them even more.

00:23:35.000 Look at that one.

00:23:35.000 That's like 100 feet long.

00:23:36.000 That is crazy.

00:23:37.000 And they're giant around, and you can walk on them.

00:23:40.000 They're like bridges.

00:23:41.000 That's amazing.

00:23:42.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of dope pictures, dude, if you find some other ones.

00:23:45.000 Some of them, they just don't even look real.

00:23:47.000 Like, you see these people standing, like, look at that one with a two.

00:23:50.000 Wow, look at that.

00:23:51.000 Oh my god, that's insane.

00:23:52.000 How is it really blue like that?

00:23:54.000 That's just when they light it up.

00:23:56.000 Did you know that they found that some insane amount of water that was hidden in the Earth's surface, and it's in stuff like that.

00:24:04.000 It's in a mineral.

00:24:05.000 They found that there's way more water in the Earth than they realized.

00:24:13.000 I'm sure we'll find a way to suck it out and use it for something.

00:24:16.000 Well, I think it's in some sort of a mineral form.

00:24:19.000 It's many times more than ocean.

00:24:23.000 In all the oceans.

00:24:25.000 Yeah, we talked about it a couple episodes ago.

00:24:27.000 I'm trying to just pull it up.

00:24:29.000 It's a huge underground reservoir holds three times as much water as in the oceans.

00:24:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:36.000 How fucking crazy is that? 0.99

00:24:38.000 It's nuts. 1.00

00:24:38.000 But it's that kind of shit. 1.00

00:24:39.000 It's like, it's not actually water, I don't think. 1.00

00:24:42.000 It's like crystallized minerals or whatever?

00:24:44.000 Yeah, it's something that, it's called ringwoodite.

00:24:49.000 And it's only been found in meteorites.

00:24:52.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:24:53.000 That's what this fucking shit is. 1.00

00:24:55.000 I think that's it. 1.00

00:24:57.000 And they believe that, like a lot of the water, they believe that hit earth came from, probably scientists right now are listening to me going, what the, you don't know what the fuck you're saying, stupid! 1.00

00:25:07.000 I don't. 1.00

00:25:07.000 But what was it? 1.00

00:25:08.000 A lot of the what?

00:25:09.000 Meteors? 0.99

00:25:09.000 A lot of the water on this earth came from comets. 0.99

00:25:13.000 That's what they think.

00:25:15.000 They think that a lot of the water just came from space.

00:25:18.000 Just like when you see a comet and those big trails behind the comet, apparently that's water. 1.00

00:25:23.000 Shit. 1.00

00:25:23.000 That's water vapor. 1.00

00:25:24.000 I thought that was energy drink.

00:25:25.000 That's what I thought.

00:25:26.000 That's where I thought monster came from.

00:25:31.000 Yeah, so I don't know how we got on this.

00:25:33.000 How did we get on this?

00:25:34.000 Water.

00:25:34.000 If arrowheads were illegal.

00:25:36.000 Arrowheads.

00:25:36.000 Oh, we were talking about guns.

00:25:38.000 We were talking about guns.

00:25:38.000 Yeah, but we went somewhere.

00:25:40.000 Yeah, we went to Old Man's Cave.

00:25:41.000 Old man's cave.

00:25:42.000 Oh, that's what we got.

00:25:44.000 The crystal caves in Mexico.

00:25:45.000 The crystal caves in Mexico.

00:25:47.000 Yeah, someone like J-Lo got a bathtub carved out of crystal from Mexico.

00:25:51.000 Some high-quality baller.

00:25:54.000 And it was like a million-dollar bathtub.

00:25:56.000 Wow.

00:25:57.000 And it was just carved out of a Mexican crystal.

00:25:58.000 That's awesome, man.

00:25:59.000 That's totally necessary.

00:26:02.000 I just don't know why they didn't use any diamonds.

00:26:03.000 I don't think that's excessive at all.

00:26:05.000 There's no diamonds in it.

00:26:06.000 Why not have diamonds in it?

00:26:06.000 I think having a bathtub is a waste of money, let alone a crystal bathtub.

00:26:11.000 It's because you're not a chick. 1.00

00:26:12.000 That's right.

00:26:12.000 That's because I don't bathe.

00:26:14.000 They love to have their leg up in the air.

00:26:16.000 The thought of getting into a pool of standing water to clean myself, there's nothing about that that seems appealing.

00:26:22.000 Well, at the end of the day, you're really just sitting in butt soup.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, butt soup. 0.99

00:26:26.000 That's all it is.

00:26:27.000 You didn't even wash it off. 0.99

00:26:27.000 I know my butt. 0.99

00:26:28.000 I want to be in a shower. 1.00

00:26:30.000 Unless you take a shower first and then take a bath, you're disgusting. 1.00

00:26:36.000 You're watering down the amount of filth on your body. 1.00

00:26:39.000 That's all you're doing.

00:26:40.000 You're spreading it out more evenly. 0.99

00:26:42.000 You're just bringing butt juice all over your breasts and feet. 1.00

00:26:45.000 You better quickly trademark butt juice. 1.00

00:26:47.000 I don't know if that's out there. 1.00

00:26:49.000 I mean, if you are not a good wiper, the amount of shit material that's still in your ass, if you were about to take a nice clean bathtub and someone said, okay, I'm just going to give a 1 16th of a teaspoon of shit and stir it in the water, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here! 0.99

00:27:02.000 I'm not getting in that water. 1.00

00:27:05.000 That's exactly what you're doing.

00:27:07.000 I think 1 16th of a teaspoon is low, based on some of the people I know.

00:27:11.000 Especially if you're hairy.

00:27:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:13.000 Some Italian guy with a big fucking hair he is. 1.00

00:27:16.000 Yeah, big hair he is. 1.00

00:27:17.000 Getting in there. 1.00

00:27:18.000 That's 2% shit in that water. 1.00

00:27:20.000 Dirty. 1.00

00:27:21.000 Disgusting. 1.00

00:27:22.000 Yeah, baths are fucking weird, man. 1.00

00:27:24.000 It's a relaxation thing as much as it is a bathing thing. 0.99

00:27:28.000 We know how to do showers.

00:27:29.000 They invented them when they used to have to heat up water, and they'd just have a fire under them.

00:27:33.000 That's one of the reasons why they were ironed.

00:27:35.000 Well, it's also, it also used to be, like, people took baths in the same water.

00:27:40.000 Yes.

00:27:40.000 Because you don't want to lug that water up from the lake a hundred times, or the river, you know what I mean?

00:27:44.000 And then it would be like, alright, mom goes first, you know what I mean?

00:27:46.000 By the end, someone just, at that point, you're like, you know what, I'm good on the bath, bro.

00:27:53.000 I bet they never got sick.

00:27:56.000 They were just trading each other's bacteria back and forth.

00:28:00.000 Then pooping in the well. 0.74

00:28:02.000 Saying they never got sick is ridiculous because not only did they get sick, but they died. 0.88

00:28:06.000 Millions of them. 0.94

00:28:07.000 All the time.

00:28:08.000 One fluid hit.

00:28:09.000 Boom.

00:28:10.000 People died from diarrhea.

00:28:11.000 Yeah, all the time.

00:28:13.000 Yeah, dysentery.

00:28:14.000 That scares the shit out of me about this Ebola thing.

00:28:17.000 That they can't contain it.

00:28:19.000 They keep spreading.

00:28:19.000 But they can't contain it.

00:28:21.000 If you've been reading those stories, they can't contain it in Africa.

00:28:24.000 But some of what's happening in those villages is people are not telling...

00:28:31.000 First of all, there's no...

00:28:33.000 There's no, like, CDC there, like, kind of controlling the situation.

00:28:37.000 Like, it's a mess internally within the country.

00:28:39.000 But also the people aren't...

00:28:42.000 A lot of people are scared.

00:28:43.000 It's just a different culture.

00:28:44.000 So people are scared.

00:28:45.000 There's one doctor who's from the region who studied here at Harvard and is back there now.

00:28:50.000 He wrote this thing about it, or they did an article on it, just saying how his biggest struggle is convincing people in these villages that they need to take these warnings seriously and things like that.

00:28:59.000 There's all of these other components of it besides the fact that the disease is just spreading rapidly, but the people aren't Oh, that makes sense.

00:29:09.000 And I'm not saying it's not a terrible thing.

00:29:11.000 I just mean there's more to it.

00:29:13.000 They're structurally disorganized, it seems like.

00:29:16.000 People are not telling them that so-and-so died two days before.

00:29:20.000 And there's no 911, like ambulances don't come.

00:29:24.000 They're not clearing the bodies out in time.

00:29:26.000 It's not a first-world situation, you know?

00:29:30.000 That totally makes sense.

00:29:31.000 Which is a serious problem on a whole other level.

00:29:33.000 Yeah.

00:29:34.000 But it's one of the reasons it's difficult to control.

00:29:37.000 Isn't that like a plot in a movie?

00:29:39.000 Isn't that how the super disease spreads?

00:29:41.000 Yeah, sure.

00:29:42.000 It spreads through a series of things that as you're watching the movie, you're going, No!

00:29:47.000 Don't get in the plane!

00:29:48.000 Don't get in the plane!

00:29:49.000 He's not going to tell him that the lady's dead!

00:29:51.000 He's not going to tell him!

00:29:52.000 She died of Ebola!

00:29:54.000 The mosquito's in your pants!

00:29:55.000 It's in your pants! 0.96

00:29:56.000 Yeah.

00:29:58.000 As he zips up.

00:30:02.000 Slap! 1.00

00:30:04.000 Yeah, man.

00:30:05.000 It's...

00:30:05.000 Africa's scary.

00:30:06.000 It scares the shit out of me. 0.98

00:30:08.000 It's a weird...

00:30:08.000 The more I read about different parts of Africa...

00:30:11.000 I mean, there's obviously Johannesburg and there's some cities and... 0.99

00:30:15.000 I've met a lot of people from South Africa that are cool as fuck. 0.99

00:30:18.000 But the whole of Africa is so fucking huge. 0.99

00:30:23.000 If you look at like, when you look at a map, we look at Africa as if Africa is the same size as America. 0.92

00:30:28.000 Because on maps, they're kind of distorted.

00:30:30.000 Have you ever seen that image when they put America inside of Africa? 0.93

00:30:33.000 And you get to see how big Africa really is? 1.00

00:30:36.000 It's fucking monstrous. 0.99

00:30:37.000 And it's where everything started. 1.00

00:30:39.000 Yep.

00:30:40.000 And you can't...

00:30:41.000 Well, don't say that on the...

00:30:41.000 What do you mean on the air?

00:30:42.000 What do you mean everything?

00:30:43.000 I mean, without Jesus.

00:30:44.000 Well, I mean...

00:30:45.000 The non-Jesus stuff.

00:30:46.000 Hold on.

00:30:46.000 Adam was a white dude, and then he had his rib picked down.

00:30:50.000 I had a guy in a couple weeks that believes in Adam and Eve.

00:30:52.000 Really?

00:30:52.000 Or believes in it, or likes to tap?

00:30:54.000 That's how people came here.

00:30:55.000 Really?

00:30:56.000 Incest? 0.98

00:30:57.000 Yep.

00:30:57.000 Because that's what always confused me.

00:30:59.000 It's like, they have a kid, and then they have another kid, and then those two have a kid. 1.00

00:31:02.000 And they either fuck their kids, or the kids fuck each other. 1.00

00:31:04.000 Someone's getting fucked. 1.00

00:31:05.000 You have to make people. 0.98

00:31:05.000 You gotta make, like... 0.98

00:31:07.000 Nobody wants to hear that.

00:31:08.000 Frank and Susan down the street, at least.

00:31:11.000 Spread out the DNA a little bit.

00:31:13.000 Come on, I know you work in mysterious ways, but come on!

00:31:17.000 Well, Noah had to do it again, too.

00:31:19.000 It started all over again with Noah.

00:31:20.000 Same deal. 1.00

00:31:21.000 And he also had all those animals to fuck, too. 1.00

00:31:23.000 Noah had a maid. 1.00

00:31:24.000 Well, he probably couldn't fuck the animals because he had to fuck his kids and make sure he made more kids. 1.00

00:31:28.000 Right. 1.00

00:31:29.000 You gotta make people.

00:31:30.000 You gotta save those loads.

00:31:32.000 He was 500 years old at the time.

00:31:33.000 I really felt that that should have been the Russell Crowe movie after the flood. 1.00

00:31:37.000 And just him fucking his kids. 1.00

00:31:38.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:31:39.000 Just two hours of Russell Crowe fucking his daughter. 1.00

00:31:42.000 Now that's a movie! 1.00

00:31:44.000 Now that's a movie!

00:31:44.000 Rock monsters guard over them.

00:31:46.000 Yeah, I like the Hollywood executive with this guy like, make me one of them kid fucking movies. 0.99

00:31:49.000 Tie it to the Bible. 0.99

00:31:51.000 LAUGHTER Listen, if they have a better explanation, let them write the script.

00:31:56.000 Let them write the script. 1.00

00:31:57.000 Hire a couple of Jews, make me a kid fucking movie. 1.00

00:32:01.000 Die it to the Old Testament, the New Testament. 1.00

00:32:03.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

00:32:04.000 Could you imagine if you pitched a movie where Adam and Eve had to have sex with their children? 1.00

00:32:09.000 Because they realized it was the only way for children to survive.

00:32:13.000 So Adam and Eve could be played by like Brad Pitt.

00:32:15.000 Yeah, gotta be.

00:32:16.000 And like, uh, someone hot.

00:32:18.000 I think it would be the girl from Kick-Ass.

00:32:20.000 Which one's not?

00:32:21.000 She's too young, dude. 0.95

00:32:23.000 Not anymore.

00:32:24.000 She's like 20. Brad Pitt.

00:32:25.000 Brad Pitt.

00:32:26.000 Kathy Bates. 1.00

00:32:27.000 Fucking blow people's minds. 1.00

00:32:28.000 Nope. 1.00

00:32:29.000 I'm scared of Kathy Bates after misery. 0.99

00:32:31.000 I wouldn't be able to jerk off to that movie. 0.98

00:32:33.000 Well, that's a problem. 0.87

00:32:36.000 Those are your movie reviews?

00:32:37.000 Joe Rogan says he couldn't whack into it.

00:32:40.000 I tried, but he was too disturbing.

00:32:40.000 I tried, but Nick would stay hard, says Joe Rogan of the Whackin' Times.

00:32:44.000 Speaking of whacking into strange movies, man, I saw Under the Skin with Scarlett Johansson this weekend.

00:32:50.000 Have you seen it?

00:32:51.000 No, I didn't know anything about it.

00:32:53.000 It's an art movie that they made with her in Scotland where they used hidden cameras and she tried to pick up men.

00:33:00.000 Oh, it's like, as Scarlett Johansson?

00:33:02.000 Yeah, well, she had an English accent.

00:33:04.000 I don't know if she has an English accent in real life.

00:33:06.000 So it's real, in other words.

00:33:07.000 A lot of it is real interactions with random people, and they wind up using them in their interactions with her in the movie.

00:33:13.000 The movie's about her.

00:33:14.000 She's an alien. 1.00

00:33:16.000 She comes here and tries to emulate human beings. 0.99

00:33:19.000 And when she emulates human beings, she takes men, and I don't want to give away the plot, but she lures them in with her beautiful good looks and charm, and she's naked in half the movie. 0.99

00:33:29.000 Really? 0.99

00:33:29.000 It's fucking fantastic. 0.99

00:33:30.000 Hold on, let me write this down. 0.99

00:33:31.000 Just because of that.

00:33:32.000 She's naked in half the movie.

00:33:34.000 And you know what I love about her, man?

00:33:36.000 She's naked and she's not thin.

00:33:38.000 No, she's curvy. 1.00

00:33:39.000 She's a woman. 0.82

00:33:41.000 She's a sexy woman. 1.00

00:33:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:43.000 Like, I fucking hate that women think that they have to look like they're starving to death for us to think that they're attractive. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Drives me nuts. 1.00

00:33:50.000 It's so silly. 0.97

00:33:51.000 And also, did you see Don John? 0.98

00:33:54.000 Is that what it's called?

00:33:55.000 No, I didn't see that.

00:33:56.000 I didn't see that.

00:33:57.000 I was like a Long Island...

00:33:58.000 I thought it was really funny.

00:33:59.000 Yeah, it's funny.

00:33:59.000 But I was like a Long Island, East Coast kind of dude.

00:34:03.000 That movie to me hit so many funny points.

00:34:06.000 Just him driving around yelling at people. 1.00

00:34:08.000 Fuck, get the fuck off the road! 1.00

00:34:10.000 I'm like, yeah, that's how you drive. 1.00

00:34:11.000 That's a normal way to drive.

00:34:12.000 And then Scarlett Johansson, though, she plays this Italian girl chewing gum. 0.99

00:34:18.000 And she's like, I fucking love your parents. 0.95

00:34:20.000 It's awesome. 0.99

00:34:21.000 Goes over for Sunday dinner.

00:34:22.000 Oh, it's so funny.

00:34:23.000 It's so funny.

00:34:24.000 I'll see it.

00:34:25.000 I'll have to see it.

00:34:26.000 But that character, my friends always make fun of me.

00:34:28.000 Because those Long Island girls, I have such a weakness for that kind of a girl. 1.00

00:34:32.000 Do you?

00:34:32.000 Yeah, because it's like kryptonite for me.

00:34:36.000 Why?

00:34:36.000 I don't know.

00:34:38.000 That's what I grew up around.

00:34:39.000 So sometimes I'll see a girl like that and I'm just like, yeah, she's leathery and hot. 1.00

00:34:44.000 Like when you were a kid?

00:34:46.000 I don't know, it's just like, you know...

00:34:47.000 Did you like have a girl when you were a kid, like a Joan Jett type thing?

00:34:51.000 No, Joan Jett lived in my town for a while, so that could be part of it.

00:34:55.000 Yeah.

00:34:55.000 I don't know, it's just weird.

00:34:56.000 My buddies from college always used to make fun of me.

00:34:58.000 They used to say, Kjorky, like that girl's Kjorky, you know, like from New York.

00:35:02.000 I'm like, yeah, she is.

00:35:03.000 And they'd be like, oh, Rory.

00:35:05.000 I'm like, yeah, say it again.

00:35:06.000 Yeah.

00:35:08.000 I'm so the opposite.

00:35:09.000 Well, I mean, believe me, I've not really been with too many girls like that, but I have an impulsive reaction.

00:35:15.000 Like, that girl's attractive. 1.00

00:35:16.000 Because that's what you grow up around.

00:35:18.000 I hear that accent, and I think arguments.

00:35:21.000 Yeah.

00:35:21.000 Arguments are coming.

00:35:22.000 Sure.

00:35:23.000 But isn't that half the fun?

00:35:24.000 Not me, man.

00:35:25.000 Not for me.

00:35:26.000 I'm not good at those.

00:35:27.000 I don't enjoy those.

00:35:29.000 Especially interrelational arguments. 1.00

00:35:32.000 I don't mind arguing with drunk idiots. 1.00

00:35:35.000 But I don't want to argue with a chick I'm dating. 1.00

00:35:37.000 Fighting interrelationship is the worst thing in the world.

00:35:39.000 Especially as you get older, you get so tired, you're like, yeah, fine.

00:35:41.000 Yeah.

00:35:42.000 I don't...

00:35:42.000 Whatever.

00:35:43.000 Well, also, you start realizing, hey, how come I never argue like this with my friends?

00:35:46.000 Yep.

00:35:47.000 You know?

00:35:47.000 Like, what's going on there?

00:35:48.000 Like, I had an ex-girlfriend a long time ago, back in the Dizzy, who just loved to fucking fight. 0.92

00:35:54.000 And one day, I was hanging out with one of my friends. 0.96

00:35:56.000 We were laughing and joking around.

00:35:59.000 And I realize, I go, why is it that when you're around, like, certain people, it just becomes tense and fighting?

00:36:06.000 It's not their fault, it's not your fault.

00:36:08.000 It's like, you just need to not be hanging around with those people.

00:36:11.000 Yeah.

00:36:11.000 Like, that kind of person.

00:36:12.000 Like, she'll find a guy that she can steamroll, and she'll have a grand old time, and maybe he'll enjoy that type of relationship, too.

00:36:18.000 But it's just not right for you.

00:36:20.000 Well, that's what it is, too.

00:36:21.000 I think it's also a lot of it is just personality.

00:36:23.000 Like, I have a very, like... 0.99

00:36:25.000 I want to be in control of my own shit kind of personality. 0.99

00:36:27.000 And I've been dated people. 0.99

00:36:29.000 I was married at one point, which is a whole other thing.

00:36:33.000 But I don't even think it's bad when you realize that that's an incompatibility.

00:36:37.000 I think there's a reality to that, which is like, we're going to be conflicting all the way through this.

00:36:43.000 At some point you just go, I'm crazy about this person, but there seems to be a disconnect in my ability to agree and your ability to agree with each other on things because we both want to go our own way.

00:36:54.000 And there's not absolutes in these types of relationships.

00:36:56.000 Sometimes people can just figure it out and work it out.

00:36:59.000 Yeah.

00:36:59.000 Just communicate with each other and make things better.

00:37:01.000 Yeah.

00:37:01.000 And sometimes they can't.

00:37:02.000 You know, it's like when you talk about these things, whenever it sounds like a given advice, like relationship advice, people will always get pissed off one way or another.

00:37:10.000 They're always like, you're judging or you're this or you're that. 0.98

00:37:13.000 But the reality is, who the fuck knows The idea of a man and a woman finding the exact right compatibility for each other is so fucking hard to do. 0.99

00:37:25.000 So when people think they have to break up and they know they have to break up, like, God damn it, we fight all the time, we gotta fucking break up. 0.99

00:37:31.000 It's hard to just start all over again. 0.98

00:37:33.000 Yeah.

00:37:33.000 That's what people are scared of.

00:37:35.000 People are scared of getting out of the bad one and then trying to find a good one because it's fucking hard to find cool people.

00:37:41.000 There's also a comfort in a relationship that even when you're fighting, there's a comfort to it.

00:37:46.000 You gotta separate the like, I don't know man, we both like American Idol.

00:37:51.000 You gotta try to separate some of that and go like, the other stuff that's happening is not healthy.

00:37:56.000 I've had my best relationships with chicks I have zero in common with. 0.99

00:38:00.000 Just as long as we're nice to each other.

00:38:02.000 I don't need to like the kind of music you like. 0.99

00:38:05.000 I can walk in and go, what the fuck are you listening to? 0.99

00:38:08.000 But I don't get upset. 0.99

00:38:09.000 Well, that's the whole thing.

00:38:10.000 As long as they don't care.

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 Because then sometimes people are like, oh, you disrespect my shows.

00:38:14.000 You're like, they're...

00:38:15.000 Well, there's some guys that like, you know, I want my girl to start going to the gym with me.

00:38:18.000 She's going to start powerlifting. 1.00

00:38:19.000 Like, what?

00:38:21.000 That's a weird request.

00:38:22.000 Why are you doing that?

00:38:23.000 I want her to understand the lifestyle.

00:38:24.000 That's amazing.

00:38:25.000 She's going to be my girl.

00:38:26.000 Sweetheart, I think you're attractive, but you don't really have traps. 0.98

00:38:28.000 You've got to work on your neck muscles.

00:38:30.000 You've got a skinny neck.

00:38:31.000 You've got a little bit of too much neck.

00:38:33.000 I don't think it's so hot.

00:38:34.000 I'd like some less neck on a girl. 0.99

00:38:35.000 How about a ringworm on that finger?

00:38:39.000 How did we get on the subject of Scarlett Johansson's movie?

00:38:42.000 I don't know.

00:38:42.000 You were on the airplane watching it, uh...

00:38:44.000 We were talking about other movies before that, right?

00:38:47.000 I don't know.

00:38:48.000 Do we always have to figure out how we got on this?

00:38:50.000 No, I do, unfortunately.

00:38:53.000 It's a detective series.

00:38:54.000 This is typical me.

00:38:55.000 I got a notepad in front of me, these legal notepads, and when I have something I don't want to forget, I'll write it down.

00:39:00.000 And I'm like, pssh, I'm not going to forget that.

00:39:02.000 So of course I didn't write it down.

00:39:03.000 That's like the story of my stand-up writing.

00:39:05.000 I'm like, that's a good bit.

00:39:06.000 I'll write it down tomorrow.

00:39:08.000 Now I'm going to keep playing this video game.

00:39:10.000 You ever hear Mitch Hedberg's joke about that?

00:39:13.000 I'm paraphrasing, but he goes, sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I have the idea for a joke.

00:39:18.000 Either I have a pen or a pad, or I have to convince myself that it wasn't that funny.

00:39:25.000 That's exactly right.

00:39:26.000 He's so good.

00:39:28.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:39:29.000 He would be awesome at shit that just doesn't look funny on paper, and you're crying laughing. 0.99

00:39:34.000 He's one of those comics I saw, I had the chance to see live once, and... 0.99

00:39:39.000 Boy, I remember watching him going, well, I don't know why I'm doing this.

00:39:43.000 Like, he was one of those.

00:39:44.000 We're just going, what's the point?

00:39:45.000 Like, that guy's out there.

00:39:46.000 Yeah.

00:39:46.000 You know?

00:39:47.000 And it's so unique.

00:39:48.000 There's no Mitch Hedbergs.

00:39:50.000 You know?

00:39:50.000 It's like, Mitch Hedberg, and that's it.

00:39:52.000 There's no one.

00:39:53.000 He's like...

00:39:54.000 He's like...

00:39:55.000 There's guys that are like Mitch Hedberg now.

00:39:57.000 But when I put him in a category, he's like this unique little branch.

00:40:02.000 Yep.

00:40:02.000 You know?

00:40:02.000 And his just...

00:40:04.000 Yeah, the whole thing with him.

00:40:05.000 His delivery, his style, his performance.

00:40:08.000 You never really saw his face.

00:40:09.000 He's got a hair in front of his eyes. 0.98

00:40:11.000 So sad that that guy had such a fucking raging drug problem that we lost him at such a young age. 0.98

00:40:18.000 Same with Geraldo, man. 0.99

00:40:19.000 That crushed me.

00:40:20.000 That guy was incredible.

00:40:22.000 Geraldo, it's more of like a one-time accident.

00:40:26.000 Yeah, no, I know. 0.99

00:40:26.000 But he was struggling, and he was going through shit. 0.99

00:40:29.000 But yeah, it was definitely not as... 0.98

00:40:31.000 It was not like Mitch Hedberg, the rumor, was.

00:40:33.000 Like, this guy's...

00:40:35.000 Doing a lot of drugs.

00:40:36.000 He was almost going to lose his leg.

00:40:39.000 Doug and I were working together, and he got this phone call, and he hung up the phone, and his face was ashen, and he's like, Hedberg might lose his leg.

00:40:48.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:40:49.000 And I was like, no fucking way. 0.99

00:40:50.000 And they're like, yeah, he's hospitalized. 0.99

00:40:52.000 Apparently, he'd been shooting into the same vein over and over and over again, and it was just awful and infected. 0.99

00:40:59.000 And, you know, when Stanhope was saying it, I was like, that is, like, it's almost more fuck than hearing about a guy dying. 0.98

00:41:05.000 He's hearing about a guy who gets his leg amputated because he was doing heroin too much. 0.98

00:41:10.000 Yeah, especially now, like gangrene. 1.00

00:41:12.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:41:12.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:41:13.000 Yeah, that's some, like, Roman times disease. 0.61

00:41:17.000 Yeah, that was right before he died, too, right?

00:41:19.000 Yeah, it was about a year before he died, I think.

00:41:23.000 Doug was pretty close to them.

00:41:25.000 I only met him once, man.

00:41:27.000 I only met him once at the store.

00:41:28.000 I went on after him one night at the store.

00:41:30.000 He was really cool.

00:41:31.000 He was very friendly.

00:41:32.000 But I've always been a fan.

00:41:34.000 And since then, I actually was listening to one of his albums just like two or three days ago.

00:41:40.000 Yeah, he's great.

00:41:41.000 Even stuff that didn't work.

00:41:43.000 When it didn't work, he just had this way of going, that one needs work.

00:41:47.000 Or something.

00:41:48.000 You know, something along those lines.

00:41:49.000 His delivery, yeah.

00:41:52.000 That did not go how I intended.

00:41:56.000 That joke will not be on the CD. Yeah, exactly.

00:41:59.000 It's amazing. 0.99

00:42:01.000 The Doubletree joke about how they name their fucking... 0.99

00:42:03.000 What do you want to name the hotel? 0.99

00:42:06.000 Two Trees?

00:42:07.000 No.

00:42:08.000 Doubletree?

00:42:09.000 I like it.

00:42:10.000 Meeting adjourned.

00:42:14.000 I'm paraphrasing, of course.

00:42:15.000 That's it, yeah, yeah.

00:42:16.000 Of course.

00:42:16.000 Second suggestion they were with the second suggestion.

00:42:19.000 Yeah, he would pick apart, like, casual phrases and make them really hilarious. 0.99

00:42:23.000 He was a fucking brilliant guy. 0.97

00:42:25.000 Yeah, awesome guy. 0.97

00:42:26.000 You know, I always wonder, and this is the unfortunate thing about when a guy...

00:42:30.000 Because, like, I know how much marijuana has helped me and helped me write, and I'm not...

00:42:35.000 I'm not shy to admit it.

00:42:37.000 I think when I write, and I write when I'm on weed, I write things that I would never have come up with on my own.

00:42:41.000 I really do believe that.

00:42:43.000 It sounds crazy.

00:42:44.000 Maybe I would have.

00:42:45.000 I come up with some things on my own, but it's almost like weed is your ghostwriter.

00:42:50.000 And I see a guy like him, and I wonder, how much of that was just being on heroin?

00:42:56.000 I don't know.

00:42:57.000 That's a good question.

00:42:58.000 But I do think with weed, or writing on weed, I think that you can come up with...

00:43:04.000 I don't know.

00:43:05.000 I think you're as capable as coming up with maybe different jokes, but good jokes without being on weed or being on weed.

00:43:13.000 I mean, I think about that sometimes, too.

00:43:15.000 Like, smoking pot and going, oh, man, like, this idea, I would never have thought of it.

00:43:20.000 But then sometimes the next day when I read it, I'm like, eh, it's not really that good. 0.90

00:43:23.000 I'm like, but fucking last night I was like, dude. 0.78

00:43:26.000 I think I'm like, and then I picture myself in, like, a billboard covered in money. 0.97

00:43:29.000 Like, he did it!

00:43:30.000 The billion dollar band!

00:43:31.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:32.000 Cover of Forbes, like, with, like, two jaguars in a jaguar.

00:43:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:37.000 Like, petting you.

00:43:37.000 Bikinis behind you.

00:43:38.000 High heels. 1.00

00:43:39.000 He's got three pet cheetahs, because fuck it. 1.00

00:43:42.000 You know? 1.00

00:43:44.000 Because he came up with one idea.

00:43:45.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:43:47.000 That's always what I say to people.

00:43:51.000 When you start doing stand-up, there's always that thing you think is going to happen.

00:43:55.000 This moment where, like, that's it.

00:43:58.000 Because it used to be like people would go on Carson, you know, or whatever.

00:44:01.000 And then you realize, oh no, it's just this long journey of trying to get better at this craft.

00:44:06.000 Yeah, there's no way you ever feel like you made it if you're still working, too.

00:44:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:44:12.000 Because you're always working on it.

00:44:14.000 Yeah.

00:44:14.000 Especially as a comic, you're always working on it.

00:44:18.000 You have to be.

00:44:19.000 You have to continue to go on stage.

00:44:21.000 You can't take six months off here and there and stop touring.

00:44:25.000 You've got to constantly be doing it.

00:44:27.000 Yep.

00:44:28.000 Or at least constantly be writing, thinking about it, and always ready to go out and try stuff, for sure.

00:44:33.000 And I think a guy like Hedberg, he was just getting...

00:44:38.000 People were just starting to catch on to how amazing that guy was.

00:44:41.000 That's what happened with Hicks, too.

00:44:42.000 People were just starting to hear about him.

00:44:46.000 That's really sad.

00:44:47.000 I don't even think he probably had a clue.

00:44:51.000 What he started.

00:44:52.000 And also how he will be forever considered.

00:44:55.000 I don't think he probably has an idea that he's regarded as one of the greats.

00:44:59.000 Maybe he does or doesn't, but I always think about that.

00:45:01.000 That is a guy that in the last 10 years, his legend has only grown.

00:45:06.000 Well, his material is still relevant, which is really weird.

00:45:09.000 Even the stuff that people might not think is that funny, it's very relevant today.

00:45:14.000 Maybe the...

00:45:16.000 See, the real problem is, a lot of things that he said, everybody says now.

00:45:21.000 And they think, oh, what's the big deal?

00:45:23.000 Everybody says that.

00:45:24.000 But they don't realize that in 1992, everybody wasn't saying that.

00:45:28.000 It was just Hicks. 0.99

00:45:29.000 And it was the first time anybody was ever saying the shit that he said in a stand-up form. 0.99

00:45:33.000 Like that young man on acid. 0.99

00:45:36.000 Dude, young man on acid realizes that life is just, I don't remember how it goes.

00:45:40.000 Yeah, when he realizes it's like a pointless journey.

00:45:43.000 Yeah, well, it's a positive news story.

00:45:46.000 The idea was like, why are they always just giving you only negative news stories?

00:45:49.000 Yeah.

00:45:49.000 And then, you know, his take on the Iraq War.

00:45:52.000 I mean, he basically had material from then that could be used easily today.

00:45:58.000 Carlin's the same way with some of his stuff.

00:46:00.000 Like, he did a special, my favorite George Carlin special was Jamming in New York, which he did in like 92, I think.

00:46:05.000 Mm-hmm.

00:46:05.000 Or 1990, 92, around then.

00:46:08.000 And he has stuff in that about the environment that's as pertinent now as it was even more now, particularly now because people are talking about it more.

00:46:18.000 But the Iraq War, talking about Dick Cheney and the Iraq War.

00:46:21.000 Really? 1.00

00:46:22.000 Like, shit that... 1.00

00:46:24.000 Verbatim translated. 1.00

00:46:26.000 Talking about, gotta go play with our toys in the sand.

00:46:28.000 Gotta go play with our toys in the sand, you know what I mean?

00:46:30.000 And it's like, just talking about all that stuff.

00:46:32.000 Like, we love war.

00:46:33.000 And just talking about every ten years we average a war in America.

00:46:36.000 And saying things that are not only funny, but blow your mind.

00:46:41.000 And then the environment.

00:46:42.000 I still believe his theory on the environment, which is like...

00:46:46.000 People say, like, save the Earth, and he's like, no, the Earth's fine. 0.99

00:46:48.000 Like, we're fucked. 0.99

00:46:49.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:46:50.000 And it's like, when it's ready, it'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas, you know?

00:46:54.000 Like, we're a surface nuisance, you know?

00:46:55.000 Well, when you start paying attention to all the different mass extinctions that they've been on Earth...

00:47:00.000 They just pulled up some new evidence that shows there was another comet that hit the Earth way before the dinosaurs that was thousands of times a bigger impact than the one that killed the dinosaurs.

00:47:13.000 Like a couple billion years ago, apparently, we were hit by a planet.

00:47:17.000 Yeah, that happens.

00:47:18.000 That Earth, you know, that's...

00:47:20.000 Just gets smashed.

00:47:21.000 You know, that's the premise of two of the greatest movies of all time, Armageddon and the other one.

00:47:26.000 Asteroid.

00:47:28.000 What was the other one?

00:47:29.000 Deep Impact.

00:47:30.000 Deep Impact.

00:47:30.000 I was thinking Haley's Comet.

00:47:32.000 Deep Impact, they didn't even have to change the name for the porno.

00:47:35.000 No, they did not. 1.00

00:47:37.000 That's a scary fucking image, man. 1.00

00:47:40.000 A giant five mile wide fucking chunk of rock that's going to slam into the earth and kill everything. 1.00

00:47:46.000 I also think, though, that any image of your own death is scary. 1.00

00:47:51.000 Of course.

00:47:52.000 You don't know how it's coming. 0.98

00:47:53.000 Everyone thinks it's going to be like 90 and laying in bed and their grandkids will be tickling their feet, but you don't fucking know. 0.87

00:48:00.000 But even if it is while you're in bed, people say, I want to go in my sleep. 0.79

00:48:04.000 What if you go in your sleep and the nightmare is that the Grim Reaper is riding your face, choking you to death, screaming into your eyes?

00:48:13.000 Yeah.

00:48:14.000 That's a solid way to go out, though.

00:48:16.000 That's a solid way.

00:48:17.000 Just tattered robes.

00:48:19.000 Somebody write that down.

00:48:20.000 I'm getting that tattoo.

00:48:21.000 He's just on you.

00:48:22.000 He's got red glowing eyes.

00:48:23.000 I'm getting that tattooed across my back. 1.00

00:48:25.000 The Reaper fucking my face, man. 1.00

00:48:27.000 Not fucking your face. 1.00

00:48:28.000 Like, holding your neck. 1.00

00:48:30.000 I didn't mean it sexually. 1.00

00:48:32.000 Oh, I thought he meant he was just fucking going to town on your face. 1.00

00:48:34.000 No, I would have said. 1.00

00:48:34.000 I would have said he was fucking your face. 1.00

00:48:36.000 Just wake up with the Reaper's cock in your mouth. 1.00

00:48:37.000 What's going on here? 1.00

00:48:39.000 Slides down like a Roto-Rooter.

00:48:40.000 And then you start realizing, why am I resisting so much? 1.00

00:48:43.000 I don't mind this, and that's how you die, realizing I like reaper cock. 1.00

00:48:46.000 That's how you die. 1.00

00:48:47.000 It's your last thought. 1.00

00:48:49.000 Shit! 1.00

00:48:50.000 It's like you can get fucked in the ass in your dreams, but you can't die in your dreams. 1.00

00:48:54.000 Right. 1.00

00:48:55.000 I don't know.

00:48:56.000 It's not as terrifying. 0.98

00:48:58.000 I don't know if I've ever had an ass rape dream. 0.96

00:49:00.000 I can't say I have. 1.00

00:49:01.000 Or even an ass sex dream. 0.99

00:49:03.000 Why are we saying rape? 1.00

00:49:05.000 We're not really saying rape.

00:49:06.000 The real nightmare would be that you loved it.

00:49:07.000 Oh, would it?

00:49:09.000 Would it or would that solve all my problems?

00:49:11.000 It might solve a lot, right?

00:49:14.000 It would solve quite a few.

00:49:16.000 I don't know.

00:49:17.000 I don't feel like I... I remember being...

00:49:20.000 I guess I do still have sex dreams occasionally.

00:49:22.000 My dreams aren't fun anymore.

00:49:24.000 I don't know. 0.94

00:49:25.000 I used to have fun ones where I was in war and shit. 0.92

00:49:27.000 Now they're just more like... 0.93

00:49:28.000 I'm like, I gotta check email.

00:49:30.000 It's like a really...

00:49:33.000 Even my dreams are lame.

00:49:36.000 Nothing about me is cool.

00:49:37.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 I had a dream last night that I cleaned up my office.

00:49:40.000 Yeah!

00:49:40.000 That's a solid dream, dude!

00:49:43.000 So I got up this morning and I cleaned up my office.

00:49:45.000 There you go.

00:49:46.000 I said, maybe my dream's trying to tell me something. 1.00

00:49:48.000 I'm a fucking slob and I need to get my shit together. 1.00

00:49:50.000 Doc, what does this mean? 1.00

00:49:51.000 Oh, it just means you should clean your office, actually. 0.97

00:49:53.000 Stop being a slob. 1.00

00:49:55.000 Fucking pack rat. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Boxes of shit. 1.00

00:49:57.000 I got boxes. 1.00

00:49:58.000 I got magazines from, like, the 80s.

00:50:00.000 Like, when am I going to read this again?

00:50:01.000 You should sell them, man.

00:50:02.000 Details magazine from, like, 1989. I found them.

00:50:05.000 Oh, my God.

00:50:06.000 What is this? 1.00

00:50:07.000 I don't even know if it was from the 80s, but it was old as fuck. 1.00

00:50:10.000 It was like stupid old. 1.00

00:50:11.000 That's funny. 1.00

00:50:12.000 Boxes of shit. 1.00

00:50:13.000 People buy that stuff, old magazines. 1.00

00:50:15.000 There's a whole market, you know?

00:50:16.000 A whole market for it. 1.00

00:50:17.000 I don't want that shit on fire. 1.00

00:50:17.000 I don't want them alive. 1.00

00:50:18.000 I don't want them to have it.

00:50:20.000 Remember you used to give me all posters.

00:50:22.000 You used to give me boxes of posters like, just get rid of this.

00:50:25.000 Brian eBayed all these posters that I had from like the early days of the UFC. I had pride posters that were, they're probably pretty valuable.

00:50:32.000 Yeah, they were.

00:50:32.000 I mean, people were snatching them up.

00:50:34.000 As he locks his BMW, he's like, yes, they were.

00:50:38.000 They were quite valuable, actually.

00:50:40.000 I just had to get rid of it, and I feel like the best way to do it was to let him sell them.

00:50:44.000 There was a few of them that I almost wanted to keep because they were just cool posters.

00:50:48.000 That sperm one, that pride sperm one was pretty dope. 0.88

00:50:51.000 The black and blue one with the guy, I can't remember. 0.66

00:50:53.000 There was quite a few.

00:50:54.000 The old Vitor Belfort one, that was one from early UFCs. 0.99

00:51:01.000 Yeah, that's interesting stuff, but most of it's just bullshit. 0.98

00:51:04.000 I also have fucking old notebooks where I open it up and I just go, what am I keeping this for? 0.96

00:51:09.000 Do you ever read old material and go like, oh man, it's good. 0.97

00:51:13.000 It's always like, wow.

00:51:15.000 This is so bad.

00:51:17.000 I'm like, no wonder they didn't give me that spot on whatever.

00:51:20.000 It's like, oh yeah, I wasn't very good.

00:51:22.000 It seems like it should be way easier than it is to just figure out a way to write a joke.

00:51:27.000 Yeah.

00:51:28.000 I find it the easiest thing to do is think of a concept of something I like, write it down a little bit, and then play with it on stage.

00:51:34.000 Because I don't...

00:51:36.000 I don't know.

00:51:37.000 I don't have a disciplined writing process as much as I really like finding it on stage and then trying to repeat it the next night if I can.

00:51:45.000 It's a bad way to do it in a lot of ways because it takes sometimes longer to find the material.

00:51:50.000 But if I record it now, I just record it on my phone and I can listen to it back and go, I told that joke.

00:51:55.000 We were kind of talking about this earlier with that joke. 0.98

00:51:57.000 It's like I told a joke a perfect way that night and it killed and I can't figure out what the fuck I did. 0.86

00:52:02.000 So now I like being able to go back and listen to it and go, oh, I just paused there. 0.98

00:52:06.000 And then sometimes it's just I got lucky that one night.

00:52:08.000 They're not all good.

00:52:09.000 I have the same process, for sure.

00:52:12.000 I think a lot of people do.

00:52:13.000 But I also try to write stuff out sometimes, too.

00:52:17.000 You know what I try to do?

00:52:18.000 I try to write blog entries.

00:52:19.000 Most of them I never post, but I write the blog entry, and then in the blog entry I find a gem.

00:52:25.000 Yeah.

00:52:25.000 Because you're just sort of writing, and then I'll pull that out.

00:52:28.000 But that's like the same thing as riffing on stage.

00:52:30.000 You're just doing it with your fingers.

00:52:32.000 And I do that on my phone a lot.

00:52:33.000 I just go into the notes thing, and I just jam out.

00:52:35.000 But then a lot of that, I'll read through it again.

00:52:38.000 I'm like, I may have been stoned.

00:52:41.000 Oh, for sure.

00:52:42.000 Yeah, it's like, this is tenuous at best, this connection I'm making here.

00:52:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:47.000 And then I realize, I'm like, I guarantee you there's a hundred books on that topic, and this is not some brilliant new idea.

00:52:53.000 And then I'm like...

00:52:54.000 Yep, there it is.

00:52:56.000 Well, there's always that, right?

00:52:57.000 Especially when you think you have an interesting idea that nobody ever thought of today.

00:53:01.000 Yeah.

00:53:01.000 You just Google it and you go, oh, look, there's a whole forum dedicated to it.

00:53:05.000 Yeah, that's actually a question I always have for other comics, which is, what is your...

00:53:08.000 Because I have had people come up to me at stand-up clubs...

00:53:12.000 Both ways, but I've had people come up and go, hey man, there was a comic down here, you know, like I'm in Atlanta or something, some local guy, or Austin, some local guy.

00:53:18.000 There was a comic down here who was doing a bit that you did in your half hour, so I just let him know.

00:53:23.000 I was like, yeah, never do that again.

00:53:25.000 It's okay.

00:53:26.000 And by the way, you watched my half hour, you know what I mean? 0.95

00:53:29.000 I didn't even know anyone saw that fucking thing, but it's like the idea that somebody else wouldn't Come up with the same ideas. 0.94

00:53:35.000 Especially premises. 0.98

00:53:36.000 People are like, oh, you know, just so you know, Louis C.K. does stuff on airplanes.

00:53:39.000 Like, yeah, there's only a hundred topics in the fucking world to talk about. 0.93

00:53:42.000 You can't call topics, you know? 0.98

00:53:44.000 Yeah, you can't call airplanes.

00:53:45.000 Well, you know what I mean?

00:53:46.000 And I don't think Louis would do it.

00:53:48.000 I'm just saying, like, there is this weird thing now, like this comedy police thing.

00:53:51.000 But at the same time, I have seen...

00:53:53.000 I know you've dealt with it before.

00:53:55.000 Comics straight up steal other people's stuff.

00:53:58.000 Or maybe unintentionally, but steal it.

00:53:59.000 There's always going to be that, man.

00:54:01.000 There's always going to be people stealing.

00:54:02.000 But I do think with the internet now, it's really hard.

00:54:05.000 You know, you do a joke.

00:54:06.000 This used to happen at The Daily Show.

00:54:07.000 Come up with a joke and tell me, like, oh, actually, Patton Oswalt tweeted that like an hour ago.

00:54:11.000 It's like, what are we supposed to do?

00:54:13.000 Check everyone's Twitter?

00:54:14.000 Like, we've got to put a show on, man.

00:54:16.000 Especially a topic.

00:54:17.000 It's like more than one person is going to come up with an obvious premise.

00:54:21.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:54:22.000 That happens sometimes on Twitter.

00:54:23.000 I write a joke and somebody goes, oh, you're 20 minutes behind so-and-so.

00:54:26.000 I'm like, okay.

00:54:27.000 I don't know, man.

00:54:28.000 I didn't steal it.

00:54:31.000 In both of our defense, it's not that good.

00:54:35.000 It's a Twitter joke.

00:54:37.000 Yeah.

00:54:38.000 Well, I think there's always going to be parallel thinking, but what people are really worried about is plagiarism.

00:54:44.000 As long as it's not plagiarism, I think you kind of know when it's plagiarism, because it's never just one instance.

00:54:49.000 Nobody ever steals one awesome bit, and then everything else is totally original.

00:54:55.000 Yeah.

00:54:55.000 Well, I'd never seen anything in my life, like somebody did the cut online of the Mencia, Bill Cosby, from Bill Cosby himself.

00:55:05.000 Yeah, that's awful.

00:55:06.000 I mean, yeah, that was astonishing.

00:55:08.000 And it's not just that one.

00:55:09.000 No, I know.

00:55:10.000 That was his whole career.

00:55:11.000 No, I know.

00:55:12.000 And that was an interesting thing.

00:55:15.000 But you're right.

00:55:15.000 And I've had people say, hey, so-and-so does that bit.

00:55:17.000 And I go, all right, I won't do it.

00:55:19.000 There's a lot of people that want to take shortcuts for everything.

00:55:23.000 Absolutely.

00:55:23.000 They want to take shortcuts for every single thing there is.

00:55:26.000 And if there was a way that they could just take someone's song and twist it around a little bit and put it in a record and sell it.

00:55:32.000 This sounds like back in black.

00:55:33.000 No, no, no, no.

00:55:34.000 It's black and blue.

00:55:35.000 It's black. 0.53

00:55:37.000 Black and blue. 1.00

00:55:39.000 I mean, there's fuckers that are like that, man. 1.00

00:55:42.000 Yeah, no, no, for sure. 1.00

00:55:43.000 They'll just copy something and just sort of rebrand it.

00:55:46.000 But you can't do that in music. 0.99

00:55:47.000 They'll fucking sue the shit out of you. 1.00

00:55:48.000 Yeah, they'll sue the shit out of you. 1.00

00:55:49.000 You can still do it in comedy. 0.94

00:55:51.000 No, you can.

00:55:51.000 And I also think it's hard to...

00:55:53.000 I really do think it's more of just an honor system where you just do your best.

00:55:58.000 To do your own stuff.

00:55:59.000 And I always say to people that go, oh, what if someone steals a joke?

00:56:01.000 I'll just write another one.

00:56:03.000 I don't know.

00:56:03.000 Either you can write more or you can't.

00:56:06.000 If the hour of stuff I was doing right now was the only hour I could ever come up with, then I'm wasting my time here, man.

00:56:14.000 Well, the only thing I ever feel is there's a certain amount of responsibility you have In saying something, because if you don't say something, then he steals from somebody else, and he doesn't say something, you sort of almost help the problem if you don't at least have a dialogue with the guy.

00:56:29.000 Right.

00:56:29.000 Because you may never know.

00:56:31.000 You might say something to him, and he might have never stole anything in his life, and he might have not even known that you did it.

00:56:36.000 He might have heard somebody else say it somewhere or something, and forgot, and then come up with it.

00:56:40.000 There's weird things that do happen.

00:56:41.000 I know. 0.99

00:56:42.000 My friend Mike, who wasn't a thief, who's a young comic, he fell asleep listening to a fucking Dennis Miller CD. That's amazing. 0.98

00:56:48.000 Or a cassette at the time.

00:56:50.000 And he was looking at me when he was an open miker and then had this perfect Dennis Miller joke the next day.

00:56:55.000 That's amazing.

00:56:56.000 And I go, dude.

00:56:57.000 He's like, more like the place in Mozambique, babe. 1.00

00:56:59.000 And he's like, that's weird.

00:57:01.000 I think it was...

00:57:02.000 Why do I keep shaking my head from side to side with all my jokes now?

00:57:06.000 Hey, who wants a cup of gazpacho?

00:57:08.000 I think it was my grandfather.

00:57:10.000 It was when Reagan was president.

00:57:12.000 He's like, Reagan's 72 and he's got access to the button.

00:57:15.000 My grandfather's 72. We don't let him use the remote control for the TV. I mean, he said it just like Miller, too.

00:57:22.000 We had to tell him. 1.00

00:57:23.000 He's like, fuck! 1.00

00:57:23.000 That's so funny. 1.00

00:57:24.000 But that's happened to every comic, I think, at one point or another. 0.99

00:57:27.000 You come up with this great idea, and you're like, wait, no, I think that's Ted Alexandro's bit of his shit. 0.94

00:57:32.000 Yeah, Attell is the best at that. 0.98

00:57:33.000 He's the best at it.

00:57:34.000 He'll call you up in the middle of nowhere.

00:57:36.000 Hey, have you ever heard this?

00:57:37.000 And they'll run the joke by you.

00:57:40.000 Oh, you mean he runs it by, yeah.

00:57:41.000 He's like, have you heard anything like this before?

00:57:43.000 It's not too easy.

00:57:44.000 But Attell is also one of those guys I find if I listen to too much.

00:57:48.000 He's like, who can be just like him?

00:57:50.000 One of my favorite comics.

00:57:51.000 Yeah, and I find myself sometimes on Quinn, too.

00:57:54.000 Colin, like, those guys are like, oh, look at this guy with the...

00:57:56.000 You know, and I'm like, wait a minute, that's not...

00:57:58.000 I shouldn't be doing that, you know?

00:57:59.000 You know what you do to cure that?

00:58:00.000 You watch Brody Stevens, and then you'll start saying, enjoy it, and it'll balance it out.

00:58:07.000 Brody's the most addictive to me.

00:58:10.000 I find myself doing Brody in real life.

00:58:13.000 818. When Attell does his thing on stage where he'll say something and somebody pulls back and they're like, calm down, Rebecca.

00:58:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:58:20.000 He doesn't know anyone's name.

00:58:22.000 He just makes up names. 1.00

00:58:23.000 I fuck it, you know? 1.00

00:58:24.000 He's like, oh, look at Carol over here! 1.00

00:58:27.000 He's one of those comics where I will occasionally have to walk out of the room because I'm like gagging for air.

00:58:36.000 He's so good.

00:58:37.000 But yeah, if I hear it too much, sure, it gets in your head.

00:58:40.000 You know what's funny about him too, man? 0.99

00:58:41.000 He fucking hates everything he does. 0.99

00:58:43.000 You talk to him about it, he's like, I fucking hate that, I can't watch it, I can't watch myself. 0.99

00:58:47.000 Yeah, he's, I don't know. 0.52

00:58:50.000 But that's one of the reasons why he's so good.

00:58:52.000 I also think he's just kind of such a purist.

00:58:56.000 He's about as legit as you can be.

00:58:58.000 Oh yeah, he's a legit stand-up comic.

00:59:00.000 You know he's gotten really into Kettlebells?

00:59:02.000 What?

00:59:03.000 No.

00:59:03.000 Really?

00:59:04.000 Did you turn him on to that?

00:59:05.000 I don't think so.

00:59:06.000 I think somebody else must have.

00:59:08.000 Really?

00:59:08.000 I don't even know if we talked about it when he was on the podcast, but he still smokes, but he's been lifting kettlebells.

00:59:13.000 Apparently he's really into it, according to Ari.

00:59:15.000 Ari told me this.

00:59:15.000 Dave's actually from my hometown, I tell.

00:59:18.000 Where's that?

00:59:18.000 Rockville Center.

00:59:19.000 So is Amy Schumer.

00:59:21.000 Is that Long Island?

00:59:21.000 Yeah.

00:59:22.000 Where's Rockville Center?

00:59:23.000 What's that near?

00:59:24.000 It's like the South Shore, near Garden City.

00:59:27.000 I'm trying to think of townspeople now.

00:59:28.000 Oceanside.

00:59:29.000 What year did you start doing stand-up?

00:59:31.000 I started right when I got out of school.

00:59:33.000 My senior year of college, I did a show in Boston.

00:59:35.000 What year was this?

00:59:36.000 99. And then I got a job at The Daily Show, basically, right out of school, and I started doing stand-up right then, 22. Wow.

00:59:43.000 And were you doing Eastside?

00:59:45.000 Eastside wasn't around back then, was it?

00:59:47.000 I was doing any...

00:59:48.000 First of all, the first thing I was doing was...

00:59:50.000 I don't think so.

00:59:51.000 No, I was doing Gotham bringer shows.

00:59:54.000 Oh.

00:59:54.000 At Gotham, which were like, you bring six people, and they do them at like 6.30 at night.

00:59:59.000 So they have a packed house, and it's all new comics.

01:00:02.000 But, you know, it was basically asking your friends and family to pay for you to do stand-up.

01:00:05.000 They do that in L.A., too.

01:00:06.000 Yeah, and it's a smart thing for the club, and it gives you a sense of what it's like to be on a real stage.

01:00:11.000 I thought it was a great system, and having been from New York, I was able to get my five people occasionally.

01:00:16.000 But then after you do that four or five times, you realize, well, this is not a sustainable business model.

01:00:21.000 Yeah.

01:00:22.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:23.000 And as generous as it is, at some point you're like, I don't want to do every set I do in front of my mom and dad because I need somebody to come.

01:00:30.000 And then you start finding ways to get up.

01:00:34.000 In the beginning, I did more of producing my own shows.

01:00:38.000 Getting up at clubs in New York is hard.

01:00:42.000 You're going up against a tell.

01:00:43.000 You're like, I want to do 10 minutes tonight.

01:00:45.000 They're like, nah.

01:00:46.000 They're like, first Louie's coming in, then a tell, then Ben.

01:00:49.000 You've got a lot of great stand-ups living in New York going to those clubs.

01:00:53.000 And it's easy to take a cab from club to club.

01:00:55.000 So I was doing a lot of producing my own stuff in bars and basements.

01:01:00.000 And then what you do is you barter stage time with the other guys doing that.

01:01:03.000 Yeah.

01:01:03.000 So you're like, I'll give you 10 minutes of my, you know, it's kind of like a comedy currency.

01:01:06.000 It was a great way to get up on stage and meet other comics and go to like really shitty basements and do really weird shows and bar.

01:01:14.000 I went to the bar in White Plains, like New York, which is like north of the city.

01:01:19.000 It's like north of Yonkers.

01:01:21.000 And everyone's there hanging out watching a Yankee game.

01:01:25.000 And all of a sudden, the bartender just shuts off all the TVs. 0.99

01:01:28.000 And he's like, everyone's like, what the fuck, Tommy? 0.99

01:01:30.000 You know, like local bar. 0.99

01:01:31.000 And he's like, comedy.

01:01:32.000 And he just, like, generically points in my direction where I'm standing holding a mic and everyone's like, what?

01:01:38.000 And then I just have to be like, so, uh, hey, have you guys taken the E train across town, right?

01:01:42.000 What a nightmare, you know? 0.95

01:01:44.000 They were like, kill yourself!

01:01:46.000 I mean, I've had a lot of those kind of shows. 0.81

01:01:48.000 I had to do the exact same type of shows in Boston.

01:01:51.000 We used to do it at this place in Cape Cod.

01:01:54.000 It was me and this guy Al Ducharme and some other dude, I forget.

01:01:57.000 And we were out there in the middle of nowhere and the hockey game was on.

01:02:00.000 It's the same thing. 0.99

01:02:01.000 We shut off the fucking hockey game to put up comedy. 1.00

01:02:05.000 It was death. 1.00

01:02:06.000 Oh yeah, and all it is then is an exercise in...

01:02:09.000 Your ability to sustain humiliation.

01:02:12.000 It's really all it is. 1.00

01:02:14.000 People go, oh, you learn from that shit. 1.00

01:02:16.000 You learn not to do comedy in a fucking sports bar when there's a game on. 1.00

01:02:20.000 There's been other ones where they used to do. 0.99

01:02:22.000 There was one that Boston Comedy used to book for a little while that was a disco.

01:02:26.000 It was like a nightclub.

01:02:27.000 And they would stop the music.

01:02:28.000 Sweet.

01:02:29.000 And they wouldn't even have a stage.

01:02:31.000 They would turn a spotlight on the dance floor.

01:02:33.000 That's incredible.

01:02:34.000 And you would stand there with a bunch of people who were standing.

01:02:37.000 And you do stand-up.

01:02:38.000 That's incredible.

01:02:39.000 I've done rooms where the room...

01:02:41.000 That's incredible.

01:02:42.000 Nick DiPaolo did it.

01:02:43.000 He almost got to fight with somebody, and I think that's when they shut it down.

01:02:46.000 I bet DiPaolo did well.

01:02:47.000 He can handle that. 1.00

01:02:48.000 He knows how to handle that kind of shit. 1.00

01:02:49.000 He can handle anything. 1.00

01:02:50.000 But, yeah, he's another guy who's like...

01:02:52.000 Hilarious.

01:02:53.000 Oh, my God.

01:02:53.000 Some of his stuff...

01:02:54.000 He's so funny.

01:02:54.000 He's so good.

01:02:55.000 He's a good dude, too.

01:02:57.000 Yeah, he's a great...

01:02:57.000 I mean, that's the thing I have found with comedy.

01:03:00.000 When I first started...

01:03:02.000 I remember it feeling like oh man like this everyone in this is like weird and competitive but then as you do it for a while and you get past that first stage of like crazy just looking for five minutes here and there and you really start to get to know like real professional comedians and people who do it there is a like weird bond between people who do stand-up like it's a I've only had I mean I can't say 100% of the time,

01:03:23.000 I'd say 95% of the time I've met other stand-up comedians at whatever level.

01:03:27.000 I've had a pretty easy time to chat with them and get along with them.

01:03:31.000 Once you're past that, like, going on IMDB and seeing what the other guys are doing stage and you get comfortable in who you are, you know?

01:03:38.000 I don't know.

01:03:39.000 That's been my experience.

01:03:40.000 I don't know about it.

01:03:41.000 Yeah, my experience, too.

01:03:42.000 I ran into...

01:03:46.000 I forget who it was.

01:03:48.000 But we were just having this exact same conversation.

01:03:51.000 Goddammit, who was it? 0.72

01:03:53.000 I forgot. 1.00

01:03:54.000 Damn it! 1.00

01:03:55.000 I hate when I can't pull up a fucking name. 1.00

01:03:57.000 But we're having this exact same conversation. 0.99

01:03:59.000 And it seems like when you run into...

01:04:01.000 How many comics are there?

01:04:03.000 Is there even a thousand professional comedians in the country?

01:04:05.000 Seems like right now there's like ten thousand.

01:04:09.000 I don't know, that's how I feel.

01:04:11.000 Oh, it was Mario Joyner.

01:04:13.000 That's who I ran into.

01:04:13.000 Mario Joyner, who was the host of MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour.

01:04:17.000 I ran into him at the airport on the way to Toronto.

01:04:22.000 And we were having the same sort of conversation.

01:04:24.000 It's like, as soon as you see someone that's a comic, you're like, hey, I've barely talked to that guy five times in my life.

01:04:28.000 He's like an old friend.

01:04:29.000 Yeah, that's what I mean.

01:04:31.000 Especially, I've been on the road this last year, and I'm not at a stage.

01:04:35.000 I'm headlining, but I don't have fans.

01:04:38.000 I don't have people come see me.

01:04:39.000 So if I go to Zany's in Chicago, or I go to Helium in Philly, or just in Madison, places where there's fans of The Daily Show, probably more than not, and they promote it pretty well, I could sell out a room that holds 150 to 200. But if I go down to...

01:04:54.000 I've been in Tampa on a Wednesday night in some of those rooms.

01:04:57.000 I love all those rooms.

01:04:59.000 I love those kind of rooms.

01:05:01.000 But they're big clubs.

01:05:02.000 And you go on a Wednesday night, nobody comes.

01:05:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:06.000 By Saturday, there's some people in there.

01:05:07.000 But Wednesday night, there's like 50 people in a room that holds 400. You're like, hey!

01:05:12.000 And people are just hammered, pooping on themselves.

01:05:14.000 Whatever.

01:05:15.000 So it's like I've... 0.97

01:05:16.000 But when you have those experiences, and you meet other people who've had those experiences, like, you have a lot, you know, just eating, like, I try now to eat as healthy as I can, but when I'm on the road, I just don't even try, because you're in, like, a hotel in fucking Kentucky. 0.96

01:05:33.000 Right.

01:05:34.000 And, like, this is what I say to people, you know when you're driving on the highway, and sometimes you see a guy walking on the highway?

01:05:40.000 I'm like, that's probably a stand-up comedian.

01:05:43.000 Because, like, you stay in hotels, don't have a car, and they're like, yeah, there's an Applebee's across the highway.

01:05:48.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:48.000 Yeah.

01:05:49.000 And it's like, guess I gotta walk a highway.

01:05:50.000 Like, it's a weird thing.

01:05:53.000 So you end up doing this stuff other people do that most adult humans wouldn't do.

01:05:58.000 So you have these, like, a lot of things to bond over, you know?

01:06:00.000 Well, just the job itself being so strange...

01:06:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:04.000 Coming up with a bunch of shit in your head and saying it on stage. 1.00

01:06:07.000 Oh, totally. 1.00

01:06:08.000 In front of a microphone with a spotlight on you.

01:06:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:10.000 It's very bizarre.

01:06:11.000 And the psychology behind it, very few people are going to really relate.

01:06:15.000 Yeah.

01:06:16.000 But if you run into a comic, it's like, wow.

01:06:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:06:18.000 You fucking played that room, too? 0.99

01:06:20.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

01:06:20.000 So you know, right. 1.00

01:06:21.000 You've been to Charlie Goodnight's on a Saturday night?

01:06:23.000 Right.

01:06:23.000 You know.

01:06:23.000 And the country western bar is next door.

01:06:25.000 Remember that spot?

01:06:26.000 Mm-hmm.

01:06:27.000 We went next door once.

01:06:28.000 We were at the Charlie Goodnight's.

01:06:29.000 We went next door.

01:06:30.000 And there was a country western bar with a bowl, a mechanical bowl, packed to the gills. 0.99

01:06:34.000 And people were singing songs you've never heard in your life, and everyone knows the fucking words. 0.99

01:06:38.000 They're all singing along. 0.99

01:06:39.000 And it's America.

01:06:40.000 It's not like we're in Pakistan.

01:06:44.000 And they're jamming in.

01:06:45.000 You're like, well, I'm not from this country, so I don't understand what this...

01:06:47.000 You know the words.

01:06:48.000 They... 0.99

01:06:49.000 They are all singing along with songs you've never fucking heard in your life. 0.99

01:06:52.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:06:53.000 I thought you were gonna say like the classics.

01:06:54.000 No, like Sweet Home Alabama.

01:06:57.000 Like, you know how you sing to Sweet Home Alabama?

01:07:00.000 Everybody knows that song, right? 0.98

01:07:02.000 It's like that, but a song that you've never fucking heard of. 0.97

01:07:05.000 Real country music. 0.98

01:07:06.000 Some real country.

01:07:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:08.000 Like, yeah.

01:07:08.000 Get her done.

01:07:09.000 It's like a Travis Tritt!

01:07:10.000 Travis Tritt tune's on!

01:07:11.000 They go nuts.

01:07:13.000 Yeah.

01:07:13.000 That's a whole different part of the world, man.

01:07:15.000 Yeah.

01:07:15.000 Yeah, it is.

01:07:17.000 You ever gone to a place and they start talking to you about NASCAR? Yeah, I've gone to places where they don't like me a lot.

01:07:24.000 I always feel like the whole thing with stand-up, when people say, there's a weird thing you have to get over in the beginning, which is you're kind of an asshole. 0.99

01:07:33.000 For wanting to do it, right? 0.98

01:07:35.000 Because you're basically saying to people, not only do I think I'm funny, I think I'm so funny that you should sit here, not talk, pay money, and hear what I have to say.

01:07:45.000 So I always feel like if people don't know you and you don't already have their trust as a performer, They just see some guy coming in the room going, oh, here comes some guy who thinks he's funny.

01:07:56.000 I've found that I end up in conversations with people in places I don't want to talk to them or about things I don't want to talk to about.

01:08:06.000 In a weird way, I really like it.

01:08:08.000 I really like going to places in America that I probably wouldn't have traveled to and talking to people. 0.99

01:08:13.000 People who are not from the universe I'm in and hearing their perspective on shit. 0.96

01:08:17.000 Like, it's kind of interesting. 0.97

01:08:18.000 It's very interesting.

01:08:19.000 Yeah.

01:08:19.000 It's very interesting to talk to people that are just as confident in their beliefs, which are polar opposite of yours.

01:08:26.000 And some of them, like, you know, you'll go to some places in the Deep South, especially, they'll just assume that you're on their side about certain things.

01:08:33.000 Yeah.

01:08:33.000 So they'll just start chiming in about whatever, you know, fill in the blank.

01:08:37.000 About this fucking welfare state or, you know. 0.99

01:08:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:08:40.000 I also feel that sometimes, though, there is that perception, and then there's also the flip side, which is not everybody is the stereotype of what you think those places are supposed to be. 0.98

01:08:51.000 That's true, too.

01:08:52.000 So you end up getting in a conversation with people, you're like, yeah, I don't know.

01:08:55.000 Maybe my view on, again, like I said, we were talking about four guns.

01:08:59.000 Yeah, I totally understand the Second Amendment.

01:09:02.000 I'm pro-Second Amendment at the same time.

01:09:04.000 I do think we can...

01:09:06.000 Yeah.

01:09:23.000 I find that most people are actually pretty reasonable, you know?

01:09:26.000 And that the extreme, extreme people are not the majority.

01:09:31.000 At least my experience is that.

01:09:33.000 No, they're not the majority.

01:09:33.000 There's a small percentage, but they're so vocal and so obsessed with it.

01:09:37.000 And angry, yeah.

01:09:37.000 That's with everything.

01:09:38.000 I know.

01:09:39.000 With everything.

01:09:39.000 You know, you ever go to a men's rights page and read a men's rights forum?

01:09:44.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:09:44.000 Holy fuck. 1.00

01:09:45.000 Yeah, that's another one where you're going, huh? 1.00

01:09:48.000 I don't know.

01:09:49.000 That's a tough train to jump on.

01:09:51.000 Men's rights. 0.97

01:09:52.000 I don't think the guy should get fucked over in divorces, which seems to be the only issue. 0.98

01:09:57.000 The only issue to me seems to be child custody and financial support. 0.98

01:10:02.000 That's it.

01:10:04.000 I don't see any other issues.

01:10:06.000 Where else are men getting...

01:10:07.000 Maybe there's something else, but maybe I'm missing it.

01:10:10.000 I don't know.

01:10:11.000 I think it depends on the divorce.

01:10:12.000 I think that...

01:10:15.000 Depending on what went on in that relationship is really the determining factor. 0.99

01:10:19.000 I mean, I guess it's more common for the women to get kids and more money, but I think if you're getting kids, then yeah, you should get the fucking money. 1.00

01:10:27.000 It's a guy's responsibility to take care of his kids, even if they get divorced, you know? 0.96

01:10:30.000 Unless she did something to endanger the family, you know what I mean?

01:10:34.000 I think a lot of times divorces are more one-sided, maybe, than we realize. 0.99

01:10:43.000 My point is, I think a lot of times guys are the dick. 1.00

01:10:46.000 Well, sometimes women are evil, though, man. 1.00

01:10:49.000 I've had friends that have been involved in evil divorces. 0.96

01:10:52.000 I've had several friends that lost a shitload of money and they just got scammed.

01:10:57.000 They got scammed. 0.66

01:10:58.000 I can bring you a bunch of stories, which I just don't want to talk about them on the air, but about Good friends that fucking lost everything they worked for for like a decade. 0.93

01:11:07.000 Yeah, that's brutal. 0.96

01:11:08.000 They got jobbed.

01:11:09.000 I know that it happens on both sides. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Women get fucked over and men get fucked over. 1.00

01:11:14.000 Bill Byrd does that bit on his last, I think it was his last one, the You People Are All The Same, where he's talking about we have a gold-digging whore problem in this country. 1.00

01:11:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:11:26.000 It's unbelievable. 0.98

01:11:28.000 He's like, that's an epidemic.

01:11:30.000 Nobody taught Arnold Schwarzenegger How to handle that level of life, you know?

01:11:36.000 He just goes through what Schwarzenegger accomplished to get to where he is, and he's like, he just makes him a sympathetic character.

01:11:42.000 That's hilarious.

01:11:43.000 It's incredible, yeah.

01:11:44.000 And he's like, we have a gold-digging horror problem. 0.99

01:11:48.000 So he was calling Schwarzenegger's maid a gold-digging whore? 0.99

01:11:51.000 Well, yeah, he was just... 1.00

01:11:53.000 I think he's calling Schwarzenegger's maid a gold-digging whore. 0.99

01:11:56.000 Again, I'm paraphrasing. 0.99

01:11:57.000 Yeah, I want to see it.

01:11:58.000 Yeah, you got to see it.

01:11:59.000 But that special is one of the best hours I've ever seen.

01:12:02.000 I love Bill.

01:12:03.000 Yeah, he's incredible. 0.99

01:12:04.000 Yeah, he's funny as shit. 0.98

01:12:05.000 Yeah, he's incredible. 0.98

01:12:05.000 He always has some great points. 0.98

01:12:06.000 He has this great bit that I was listening to the other day about women saying that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. 1.00

01:12:13.000 I don't think you do the hardest job in the world in your fucking pajamas. 1.00

01:12:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:21.000 It's so funny because I thought it would be being a redhead roofing in August. 0.98

01:12:28.000 He talks about guns in that special and he's saying how he wanted to buy a gun and the guy wanted a shotgun, you know, like the guy was trying to sell him on a shotgun.

01:12:37.000 He's got a good spray.

01:12:39.000 He goes, look, I just want to hit the bad guy.

01:12:42.000 I don't want to be doing all sorts of drywall work.

01:12:45.000 He goes, I don't want to have to reframe my diplomas and get a new parakeet. 0.72

01:12:51.000 I just want to hit the bad guy.

01:12:55.000 Get a new parakeet? 1.00

01:12:56.000 I must have rewatched that 50 fucking times. 1.00

01:12:59.000 That's really funny. 0.99

01:13:00.000 Reframe my diplomas.

01:13:02.000 That's really funny.

01:13:02.000 But that's special.

01:13:03.000 That hour is just like...

01:13:05.000 There are moments in that special live on stage in this huge theater where he's talking about like...

01:13:11.000 Hitting women, things that you just would be so scared to talk about. 0.98

01:13:14.000 And he feels the room back away and he goes, don't pull away.

01:13:17.000 He's like, don't back away.

01:13:19.000 He goes at them.

01:13:21.000 I don't know.

01:13:23.000 He's the epitome of Boston comedy.

01:13:26.000 Boston style of attack comedy. 1.00

01:13:28.000 Attack comedy and owning your perspective, owning your shit. 1.00

01:13:31.000 You thought it through. 1.00

01:13:32.000 You're going to fight your fights.

01:13:33.000 It's so good. 1.00

01:13:34.000 He has this funny bit, too, about black people being, they get called racist less than white people just because of where they put the word fuck. 1.00

01:13:44.000 Okay. 1.00

01:13:44.000 He goes, because a black guy would go, so yo, there was this Asian motherfucker, and he, you know, and nobody hits a beat. 1.00

01:13:51.000 But if you go, yeah, well, this fucking Asian. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:56.000 It's like, he goes, I said the same thing, but I'm racist.

01:13:59.000 Well, the inflection. 0.99

01:14:00.000 Because I put the fuck in the wrong part. 0.98

01:14:01.000 Yeah, you put it in the wrong spot, yeah. 0.99

01:14:02.000 Really funny, man.

01:14:04.000 That's very funny.

01:14:04.000 It's so true.

01:14:05.000 Yep. 1.00

01:14:05.000 Because if you were like this Asian fucker, be like, that's like a cool guy. 1.00

01:14:08.000 Like an Asian fucker would be a cool guy. 1.00

01:14:10.000 But a fucking Asian is a dude who's like screwing you over somewhere, yeah. 1.00

01:14:13.000 Or it's a guy who doesn't like Asians. 1.00

01:14:14.000 Right, right, right.

01:14:15.000 It's like another one. 1.00

01:14:16.000 A fucking Asian. 1.00

01:14:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:18.000 That's, who bought the new house? 1.00

01:14:19.000 A fucking Asian. 1.00

01:14:20.000 You know? 1.00

01:14:20.000 Exactly! 1.00

01:14:21.000 Ah, Jesus. 1.00

01:14:22.000 This Asian motherfucker. 1.00

01:14:23.000 Oh, cool! 1.00

01:14:24.000 If I could go over and have some food. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Have that motherfucker over for a barbecue. 1.00

01:14:26.000 Have that motherfucker over for a barbecue. 1.00

01:14:28.000 Yeah, totally different. 1.00

01:14:29.000 That's really funny.

01:14:30.000 Yeah.

01:14:31.000 Well, this is a good time for comedy, isn't it?

01:14:33.000 It's a good time to see different comics.

01:14:35.000 There's so many funny comics out now.

01:14:37.000 I agree, too.

01:14:37.000 I also think it's cool...

01:14:40.000 I think the internet is a cool way to be exposed to people and see different styles.

01:14:50.000 I'm always so happy.

01:14:51.000 Like I said, I go to these clubs and they'll pair you up with a middle act or features or whatever, the same thing, or an opener.

01:15:00.000 Like, there are a lot of guys out there that are just good.

01:15:03.000 They're just really good.

01:15:04.000 They got, like, interesting perspectives and funny people. 0.95

01:15:06.000 And, like, you know, there's a couple of comics in Austin I've worked with that are, like, fucking hysterical, man. 0.80

01:15:10.000 And they're local dudes. 0.66

01:15:11.000 And they're like, yeah, they haven't, like, jumped on the plane yet to L.A., you know what I mean?

01:15:15.000 Or New York, wherever they want to do it next.

01:15:17.000 But, you know, that's the really cool thing about comedy is, like, I mean, I was from New York and working at The Daily Show, so I didn't...

01:15:23.000 Do anything but try to get up there, which is always hard, still is hard.

01:15:27.000 But there's these guys who live in these cities, and there's a whole scene, a whole comedy scene, and they get tons of stage time.

01:15:36.000 So they get really, really good.

01:15:37.000 They go to these smaller markets, like Atlanta.

01:15:40.000 I did a place called The Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

01:15:42.000 Yeah, I've been to that spot.

01:15:43.000 It's like 80 people, and they have unlimited stage time.

01:15:46.000 They're like, yeah, just whatever, man, have fun.

01:15:48.000 You're like, okay...

01:15:50.000 I will have fun.

01:15:52.000 It's not like, 45 minutes, come on, we've got to flip the tables.

01:15:55.000 It's just like, yeah, enjoy yourself.

01:15:56.000 That's what we do here at The Laughing Skull.

01:15:58.000 All the comics are there.

01:15:59.000 They're cool.

01:15:59.000 They're good.

01:16:00.000 They're funny.

01:16:00.000 It's like, oh, there's a whole way to get good at this without having to beg people to give you 10 minutes, which is nice.

01:16:08.000 Yeah, well, there should be a bunch of different options, but it's cool when a club like the Laughing Skull comes along where you have one club, which is sort of the epicenter of creativity.

01:16:19.000 They're not making a lot of money there.

01:16:20.000 They can't be.

01:16:21.000 They're having good comics, and I'm sure they're paying the bills and stuff, but it's not motivated by that.

01:16:25.000 There's a real feeling to that place.

01:16:27.000 Yeah, it's the restaurant bar that's attached to it that's, I think, making the money.

01:16:32.000 Yeah, which is killer, too, by the way. 0.99

01:16:34.000 They have some of the best fucking cheeseburgers you'll ever eat in your life. 0.99

01:16:36.000 Well, it's a real, like, southern grease pit. 1.00

01:16:38.000 It's so good.

01:16:39.000 I actually did a couple, like, after each show, I'd like to have a to-go whatever gross thing I ordered.

01:16:45.000 And, you know, that's, like, another thing you always can bond with comics about is, like, the gross thing you ate in your hotel room.

01:16:51.000 You know?

01:16:52.000 Just waking up, going out, doing a gig in Philly, going home, stopping, getting a cheesesteak, and going in a room, just leaning over the desk in a Hyatt, devouring a cheesesteak, and then getting right into bed.

01:17:04.000 Just terrible decision-making.

01:17:06.000 I've done that many times.

01:17:07.000 I was going to wear my greasy Tony's t-shirt today.

01:17:10.000 I found it.

01:17:11.000 I was cleaning out my closet. 0.99

01:17:12.000 I threw out a bunch of shirts, you know, like old stupid MMA t-shirts that people would give me. 0.99

01:17:17.000 I just had stacks of shit that I've been throwing away. 0.99

01:17:19.000 And this Greasy Tony's shirt. 1.00

01:17:22.000 Damn. 0.99

01:17:22.000 Yeah, no charge for extra grease. 0.99

01:17:24.000 There used to be this place, Greasy Tony's, which is across the street from the Tempe Improv.

01:17:28.000 And it was the quintessential late night, take it back to your hotel room, eat it.

01:17:33.000 You'd wake up, your room would smell like pepper.

01:17:35.000 Yes!

01:17:35.000 What was it called?

01:17:36.000 The Garbage Pail?

01:17:37.000 Yeah, that was his big one.

01:17:39.000 He had a big sandwich called the Garbage Pail.

01:17:41.000 And everything was in it.

01:17:43.000 Peppers and tomatoes and lettuce and steak. 0.86

01:17:45.000 Oh my god, it was ridiculous.

01:17:48.000 Did you just see the grease stains on the Hilton blotter on the desk from the guy before you? 0.98

01:17:52.000 He died of a heart attack.

01:17:54.000 Oh, shocker.

01:17:55.000 Who saw that coming?

01:17:56.000 Yeah, shocking newsflash.

01:17:58.000 He was a great guy. 0.99

01:17:59.000 Fat, unhealthy guy who cooks things called garbage sandwiches that died of a heart attack. 0.79

01:18:03.000 Well, we saw him after, like, a bunch of years. 0.98

01:18:06.000 You know, we see him there every year.

01:18:07.000 One year he wasn't there, and then we saw him the next year.

01:18:10.000 Apparently he'd had a heart attack and then had heart surgery, and he lost a ton of weight, and you could tell, like, the end was nigh.

01:18:17.000 Yeah, once they cut you open.

01:18:18.000 And then the next time we came back, he was dead.

01:18:21.000 Yeah.

01:18:21.000 He was nice.

01:18:22.000 But it was one of those spots.

01:18:24.000 Tempe Improv, you ever do that place?

01:18:25.000 No.

01:18:25.000 Oh, it's great.

01:18:26.000 Not done.

01:18:27.000 It's great, great, great club.

01:18:28.000 It's a wild town. 1.00

01:18:29.000 Those people fucking party. 1.00

01:18:30.000 There's a few places that every time we're in that city, we're always like, we gotta go to, like, Beba's, or whatever. 1.00

01:18:35.000 What was that called?

01:18:36.000 In Houston, across the street, they had that cheese.

01:18:39.000 The melted cheese.

01:18:40.000 I think it was Beba's.

01:18:41.000 They had that cheese.

01:18:42.000 Yeah, the Greek place.

01:18:43.000 The Greek place. 0.99

01:18:44.000 I fucking forget the name, man. 0.99

01:18:47.000 It went under, too. 0.99

01:18:48.000 Didn't that place go under?

01:18:48.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:18:49.000 Or it got flooded.

01:18:50.000 Well, that club went under, so no one goes down there anymore anyway.

01:18:53.000 That was a perfect example.

01:18:55.000 Houston was an incredible place for comedy.

01:18:57.000 But it was all because of the Laugh Stop.

01:18:59.000 The Laugh Stop and River Oaks.

01:19:01.000 Oh my God, what a club.

01:19:03.000 Really?

01:19:03.000 What a club.

01:19:04.000 It was fantastic.

01:19:04.000 I recorded my first CD there in 1999. That's sick.

01:19:08.000 And then it just closed down?

01:19:09.000 It just went under.

01:19:10.000 The guy who was running it was this crazy dude who a lot of people implicated with getting, like people were mad at him.

01:19:19.000 He got drugs allegedly for some comedians and could have included Hedberg allegedly.

01:19:25.000 Oh, gotcha.

01:19:26.000 Yeah, so he like...

01:19:27.000 Well, he was running the club, but apparently he was siphoning money, allegedly.

01:19:32.000 I love that you're saying allegedly.

01:19:34.000 Allegedly.

01:19:34.000 These are strange times.

01:19:36.000 I know, I know, it's true.

01:19:37.000 I'm not even saying his name, but either way, that guy, for all his faults, was the reason why comedy was so...

01:19:43.000 We're good to go.

01:19:54.000 We're good to go.

01:20:09.000 But man, when we were working there, it was amazing.

01:20:11.000 It was the perfect setup.

01:20:12.000 The stage was perfect.

01:20:13.000 The audience was perfect.

01:20:15.000 It was one of the proudest places that I like, God, I didn't have to laugh stop.

01:20:19.000 To me, it was like where Kinnison started out.

01:20:21.000 All right.

01:20:21.000 Hicks started out there.

01:20:22.000 Yeah, like it made something to you.

01:20:23.000 Well, I find that a lot of the times I've had, not a lot of the times, but there's been a few times where I've gone to clubs that are new.

01:20:30.000 There was one in New York that opened a couple years ago that I loved called Comics.

01:20:34.000 And a lot of comics didn't like it because it looked too glitzy and nice.

01:20:38.000 But I used to do a lot of sets there.

01:20:39.000 If you packed the place, it was a really great room.

01:20:42.000 But they treated you almost too well, you know?

01:20:45.000 Are you confused?

01:20:46.000 Yeah, well, no.

01:20:47.000 There was a green room, and then there would be a menu.

01:20:50.000 They'd be like, order anything you want.

01:20:51.000 And it was like, this place can't sustain.

01:20:53.000 There's no way you can...

01:20:54.000 Feed comics like that and keep this place going.

01:20:58.000 There's no way.

01:20:58.000 It's New York City.

01:20:59.000 The rent must have been 50 grand a week, a month, whatever.

01:21:02.000 So all of a sudden, over time, and again, I love this club, but we'd be sitting in the green room, and then there used to be menus and Fiji water and things. 0.98

01:21:10.000 Holy shit. 0.96

01:21:11.000 This is like a Tuesday night show we're doing for 50 people, if that. 1.00

01:21:15.000 And there's fucking unlimited... 0.94

01:21:16.000 And then all of a sudden, near the end, all of a sudden, you go in the green room, and the menu was just like sliders. 0.99

01:21:20.000 There was one thing on the menu now, and then it was like...

01:21:24.000 A thing of water.

01:21:25.000 A pitcher of water.

01:21:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:21:26.000 Really?

01:21:27.000 Yeah.

01:21:27.000 They started to just scale back on all that stuff.

01:21:30.000 And that's when you were like, this place is going down.

01:21:34.000 And then all of a sudden they were doing things that were after comedy.

01:21:37.000 They were having DJs come in for late night dance parties. 1.00

01:21:39.000 And I'm like, yeah, shit. 0.99

01:21:41.000 Was that the one that was connected to the hotel where you could just go up? 1.00

01:21:44.000 No.

01:21:45.000 No, that was the one that was in an area that's not known for live entertainment.

01:21:48.000 14th.

01:21:49.000 It's right in the meatpacking, 14th and 9th.

01:21:51.000 It used to be a bar called... 0.99

01:21:54.000 Shit, what was it called? 0.99

01:21:55.000 It was an old... 0.99

01:21:56.000 It was like a throwback saloon kind of bar that they used to have in New York.

01:22:00.000 I can't think of the name of it.

01:22:01.000 It was kind of famous.

01:22:02.000 And they had peanut shells on the floor.

01:22:04.000 It was like a Coyote Ugly type of place.

01:22:07.000 And I once went there.

01:22:08.000 I went with there one time when I was in college.

01:22:11.000 And I saw a guy in a wheelchair get into a fight with a guy not in a wheelchair.

01:22:16.000 And he won.

01:22:17.000 It was one of the more amazing things I've ever seen.

01:22:20.000 What?

01:22:20.000 Yeah, like a bar fight, except one of the dudes was in a wheelchair, and he launched himself out of the wheelchair, tackled this guy, and was just pummeling this dude.

01:22:29.000 Oh my god.

01:22:30.000 Yeah, it was one of those bar fights that happened so quick.

01:22:34.000 You just sort of go in like, is that dude, did that guy just jump out of a wheelchair?

01:22:37.000 And then it got broken up, and he just kind of like...

01:22:40.000 Crawled back to his wheelchair?

01:22:41.000 No, he barely even crawled.

01:22:42.000 He just forehand things in a spring and he was back in his chair. 1.00

01:22:45.000 It was like, wow, that dude's fucking... 0.99

01:22:47.000 That guy's for real, you know? 0.99

01:22:49.000 That's when I pitched my wheelchair fighting show, which never went.

01:22:54.000 Yeah.

01:22:54.000 Cripple fight.

01:22:55.000 Well, you ever seen those wheelchair basketball guys?

01:22:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:57.000 Those motherfuckers can move. 1.00

01:22:58.000 Well, they're serious fucking athletes, yeah. 1.00

01:23:00.000 But that was a really weird bar. 0.99

01:23:02.000 Like, for New York City, that was not, like...

01:23:04.000 That was before everything kind of turned in that area.

01:23:06.000 Like, it was really, like, shady.

01:23:08.000 The kind of place where, like, dudes got into fights with guys in wheelchairs.

01:23:12.000 You know?

01:23:12.000 Like...

01:23:13.000 Yeah, those areas that used to be shady and aren't shady anymore.

01:23:15.000 That's amazing to me how that happens.

01:23:17.000 Not only are they not shady, but...

01:23:18.000 They're just buying up real estate.

01:23:19.000 They're unaffordable.

01:23:19.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:23:20.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:23:21.000 New York City has become completely offensively unaffordable.

01:23:24.000 Yeah, I looked at some places when I was there last, like, if I lived here, what could I afford?

01:23:30.000 And it's like, that costs what?

01:23:32.000 That's an apartment, huh?

01:23:33.000 How much is that a month? 0.99

01:23:34.000 What are you fucking kidding me? 0.96

01:23:36.000 The standard used to be, if you were to buy a place, like maybe... 0.99

01:23:40.000 Eight, nine years ago, ten years ago, would be like a thousand dollars a square foot.

01:23:44.000 So a thousand square feet was a million bucks.

01:23:46.000 And that's like without a view or whatever.

01:23:47.000 But now, those prices are even higher, I think, from some of the listings I've seen.

01:23:53.000 And now in Queens, like neighborhoods that you...

01:23:55.000 I don't care, like I'm from Long Island.

01:23:58.000 Queens is part of Long Island right there.

01:24:00.000 It's like ten minutes probably from where I grew up.

01:24:03.000 But now you're starting to see these neighborhoods are flipping in Queens.

01:24:06.000 Long Island City is the coolest.

01:24:08.000 You've got to get a place there.

01:24:09.000 Now those apartments are a thousand bucks a square foot. 0.99

01:24:12.000 And they're outside the fucking Midtown Tunnel. 0.98

01:24:14.000 And I'm like, listen, I don't care. 0.99

01:24:17.000 I don't know who you're selling on fucking Queens. 1.00

01:24:20.000 It's Queens. 1.00

01:24:21.000 It's going to be Queens. 0.98

01:24:22.000 It's not going to not be Queens.

01:24:24.000 Don't buy a place there for a million dollars.

01:24:26.000 But what about Brooklyn?

01:24:27.000 Brooklyn didn't used to be Brooklyn.

01:24:29.000 Brooklyn is the same thing.

01:24:30.000 Brooklyn completely turned.

01:24:31.000 But it's really turned around.

01:24:34.000 Real estate is super expensive.

01:24:35.000 I'm a horrible real estate guy, clearly. 1.00

01:24:37.000 Because even in Brooklyn, we're like, yeah, look at these idiots in Williamsburg. 1.00

01:24:39.000 You know, I don't know what they're doing, but yeah. 1.00

01:24:41.000 My friend had a place in Brooklyn that was almost better than living in Manhattan.

01:24:45.000 Yeah, Brooklyn's awesome.

01:24:46.000 Well, he had a place where he was across the river, but he had this, like, top floor of his apartment where you would look out and you'd see the most insane city in Because you saw the city and the water from a distance.

01:24:58.000 I was like, dude, you might have the best view in the world.

01:25:01.000 It might be worth living in Brooklyn just for this view.

01:25:04.000 Well, that's what they're selling in Queens, because you're right on the other side of the river, so you're looking right at Midtown.

01:25:10.000 That view's insane.

01:25:11.000 It's amazing.

01:25:12.000 It's almost better than being in it, because when you're in it, you're butted up with all these other buildings.

01:25:16.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:25:17.000 Shane Smith's got a spot on the river.

01:25:20.000 Yeah, that's sweet.

01:25:21.000 Look out from his living room.

01:25:23.000 It's just all glass. 1.00

01:25:24.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:25:25.000 But places like that, if you got them, I don't know him or when he got his place, but that kind of real estate was a home run 15 years ago. 1.00

01:25:34.000 You know what I mean?

01:25:35.000 But now, it's all been discovered.

01:25:37.000 The city is completely...

01:25:39.000 It's just, it's unaffordable, to be quite honest.

01:25:41.000 The thing is, like, if you look at it from Jersey, it doesn't look as good.

01:25:44.000 Like, you really want to be in, like, Brooklyn.

01:25:46.000 You want to be, like, right there on it.

01:25:48.000 Like, have you ever seen the views of, like, up Doheny in the Hollywood Hills?

01:25:52.000 Yes.

01:25:53.000 Dude, at nighttime, you can't believe how cool it looks.

01:25:57.000 It looks like you're in a science fiction movie.

01:25:58.000 I know, it's crazy.

01:25:59.000 Because you're on a hill looking down at the light grid of L.A. Yeah.

01:26:04.000 And it's magical.

01:26:05.000 It's almost cooler than the stars.

01:26:06.000 Yeah.

01:26:07.000 It really is.

01:26:08.000 It's like, it's actually, it looks a lot like the star, you're above them.

01:26:11.000 Yeah.

01:26:11.000 Like, it looks like, yeah, it's very cool.

01:26:12.000 It's the best view in all of L.A. Like, L.A. has some great views.

01:26:16.000 The views of the ocean is pretty badass.

01:26:18.000 The views of the mountains are pretty badass.

01:26:19.000 But the view over, like, Doheny, looking down, like those, any of those really high spots. 1.00

01:26:25.000 Yeah, those Hollywood spots are fucking shit. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Those are scary places, though, man. 1.00

01:26:28.000 Yeah.

01:26:29.000 Those Hollywood Hills houses get robbed.

01:26:32.000 Do they?

01:26:32.000 Yeah, that's where the men, Girls Gone Wild, whatever his name is.

01:26:36.000 Yeah, that guy.

01:26:37.000 Joe something or another. 1.00

01:26:38.000 He got fucking ass... 1.00

01:26:40.000 Something like that. 1.00

01:26:41.000 I think it might have been personal.

01:26:42.000 Somebody might have done something to him up there.

01:26:44.000 But people like Ice-T got home invaded up there.

01:26:47.000 Really?

01:26:47.000 Yeah.

01:26:48.000 I know a dude who was in the middle of the night.

01:26:50.000 Someone tried to break into his house. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Shit. 1.00

01:26:52.000 That's scary as hell. 1.00

01:26:53.000 Yeah, I know a guy who got murdered up there.

01:26:55.000 What?

01:26:55.000 Keanu Reeves the other day had two people break into his house in the same day, and one of them was naked.

01:27:02.000 But doesn't he know jiu-jitsu?

01:27:05.000 I know jiu-jitsu.

01:27:07.000 That's a victory on his part.

01:27:10.000 I did not know that.

01:27:11.000 I don't know that much about the LA area.

01:27:14.000 I started living there.

01:27:15.000 I got a place out here, and I was digging it, man.

01:27:17.000 I was really into it.

01:27:18.000 Now I'm going back to do this other thing in New York for a while, so...

01:27:22.000 I like it out here a lot.

01:27:24.000 Well, the nice thing is the weather.

01:27:25.000 The weather's awesome.

01:27:26.000 Yeah, but I don't know.

01:27:27.000 Also, just the lifestyle.

01:27:28.000 There is a difference.

01:27:29.000 When I first got here a couple months ago or a year ago, I was thinking, oh man, people out here don't work. 0.99

01:27:35.000 What the fuck? 0.98

01:27:35.000 In New York, people are working. 0.98

01:27:37.000 I was saying how expensive it is.

01:27:38.000 You've got to work 11 hours just to keep the lights on there, right?

01:27:41.000 Yes.

01:27:43.000 Not that it's definitely cheaper real estate-wise, but it's also the style of living is not...

01:27:48.000 There's more people that have lunch and ride their bikes and exercise.

01:27:53.000 I don't have more free time than you start realizing, oh, that's a whole other way to live.

01:27:56.000 I kind of like this way to live.

01:27:58.000 You don't have to just be turning the work machine...

01:28:01.000 It feels like people work at a TV show, they go on a hiatus, they float for a couple months, and they pick up another gig.

01:28:06.000 They're not like...

01:28:08.000 At least that has been my perception.

01:28:09.000 Maybe it's also, like you said, the amount of money that you need to spend to live in New York.

01:28:15.000 You kind of have to work like that.

01:28:16.000 All the time, yeah.

01:28:16.000 I don't know.

01:28:17.000 It's like the culture there.

01:28:18.000 It's like people don't ever...

01:28:20.000 Half the jobs, not even half, it feels like a majority of the jobs in New York...

01:28:24.000 Are just jobs where you, like, sell money to make money.

01:28:27.000 Like, there's all these, like, Wall Street guys.

01:28:29.000 So there's not even, like...

01:28:30.000 An industry.

01:28:31.000 They're not even, like, contributing.

01:28:32.000 They're not even, like...

01:28:33.000 It's not like shoes are coming off an assembly line.

01:28:35.000 They're just like, here's some paper.

01:28:35.000 Here's my paper.

01:28:36.000 Like, here's my money.

01:28:37.000 And then they're like, jet ski.

01:28:38.000 Woo-hoo! 1.00

01:28:38.000 You know? 1.00

01:28:39.000 Like, it's like...

01:28:40.000 It's like this unstoppable wealth machine.

01:28:43.000 It's kind of gross.

01:28:45.000 And it's already, they've become accustomed to it.

01:28:47.000 Nobody wants to abandon it.

01:28:48.000 No.

01:28:49.000 Like, they love it.

01:28:49.000 No, yeah.

01:28:50.000 And it's like this hedge fund thing.

01:28:52.000 It's super wealth.

01:28:53.000 The Young Turks had this thing that they were doing about the presidential campaigns, and they have something on their website where you can write in people who you'd like to see run for president instead of Hillary Clinton or whatever.

01:29:07.000 And they were talking about how much money Hillary Clinton has gotten from banks, just recently, from Goldman Sachs, doing speaking engagements, like hundreds of thousands of dollars, just recently.

01:29:17.000 Just to give these sympathetic speeches about how people don't understand, the banks aren't that bad, and this is all the good things.

01:29:22.000 Whatever it takes.

01:29:25.000 You're not going to stand on your principles when you're looking to raise money.

01:29:28.000 Those people are just...

01:29:29.000 They're making too much money. 1.00

01:29:30.000 They're fucking using... 0.99

01:29:32.000 Exactly what you said. 0.99

01:29:33.000 Using numbers, moving ones and zeros, and taking big percentages of those movements.

01:29:38.000 And no one understands how or why.

01:29:39.000 Not only do people not understand it, but it really makes you feel like the economy...

01:29:44.000 Is all make-believe anyway, right?

01:29:45.000 Because it's like this weird thing where you look at your computer screen and there's numbers on it.

01:29:49.000 And then when you buy something, those numbers go down.

01:29:52.000 But then you have the thing.

01:29:54.000 Sometimes with my credit card, I hand somebody my credit card and then they give me said item.

01:29:59.000 I'm like, I just get to leave with this now?

01:30:01.000 I've never really given you anything.

01:30:03.000 You realize that you just swiped a thing.

01:30:05.000 And you just sign this thing.

01:30:06.000 Yeah, it's just like a weird...

01:30:07.000 There's this weird lack of actual exchange that's occurring.

01:30:11.000 And so these guys have figured out that system somehow.

01:30:15.000 Well, they have, but they have only because of the need for a third-party system.

01:30:19.000 And that's where Bitcoin and things like that get very interesting and terrifying.

01:30:23.000 For people that run things right now financially, because if digital currency gets adopted, and it is adopted in a lot of ways now, there's a lot of things you can buy and pay for in Bitcoin.

01:30:33.000 A lot of people are doing shows where you can pay for their show in Bitcoin.

01:30:37.000 They're buying televisions, and Tiger Direct is selling computers with Bitcoin.

01:30:41.000 I think Dell's using Bitcoin, too, right?

01:30:45.000 I might not be wrong about that, but if that catches on, then this whole business goes away because there's no third party.

01:30:52.000 If you sell microphones and I say, hey, Rory, I want to buy a microphone, how many bitcoin is it?

01:30:56.000 And you tell me how much and I give it to you and we're done.

01:30:58.000 It's just between you and me.

01:31:00.000 Yeah, it's like a private currency.

01:31:01.000 Not only that, the IRS doesn't know how to handle it.

01:31:03.000 They're calling it property.

01:31:05.000 They're not saying it's income.

01:31:06.000 I bet they'll figure out a way to make money on it, though.

01:31:09.000 Oh, yeah, without a doubt.

01:31:10.000 They'll figure out a way to make money on marijuana. 0.58

01:31:13.000 Well, that's the whole...

01:31:14.000 To me, though, that's the only really...

01:31:16.000 I mean, I guess now it's becoming legal all over the country, but it feels like, you know, if they want to make money, like, just tax weed and make it legal, like, you know, that's going to get us out of...

01:31:26.000 Hundreds of millions.

01:31:26.000 Yeah, very quickly.

01:31:28.000 Like, it's just like, that's it.

01:31:29.000 Like, everybody wants it, and then you'll make money, and then whatever.

01:31:31.000 Take some extra money for it, at least it's not illegal.

01:31:33.000 I mean, people go to jail for weed still.

01:31:35.000 Yeah.

01:31:36.000 It's insane.

01:31:38.000 It's fucking up this economy because you're giving people money in a way.

01:31:41.000 If you make it illegal, they're going to sell it.

01:31:44.000 They're just going to.

01:31:45.000 So you're giving people money, and you're figuring out some sort of a way where they have to juke the system.

01:31:50.000 They're not going to pay taxes on it.

01:31:51.000 You're not going to get your cut.

01:31:52.000 In Colorado, they get 39%.

01:31:54.000 If you buy a joint, 39% goes to taxes.

01:31:58.000 And everybody's like, okay.

01:32:00.000 Everybody's like, who cares?

01:32:01.000 It's still fairly cheap.

01:32:03.000 It's still a couple bucks for a joint or whatever it turns out.

01:32:05.000 Between the altitude and the weed at this point.

01:32:08.000 Those guys.

01:32:08.000 You go out for drinks.

01:32:09.000 How much do you spend?

01:32:10.000 I mean, everybody buys a drink.

01:32:12.000 It's five bucks.

01:32:13.000 It's another five bucks.

01:32:13.000 You buy a round for your buddies.

01:32:14.000 It's $30.

01:32:15.000 It's this.

01:32:16.000 It's that.

01:32:16.000 At the end of the night, you're out a few hundred bucks.

01:32:19.000 If you have a couple hundred bucks of weed, you're in a fucking coma for a week. 1.00

01:32:23.000 No shit. 1.00

01:32:23.000 You might not survive. 1.00

01:32:24.000 You might be the first guy to die from a couple hundred dollars a week.

01:32:27.000 But that's why it's, like, that's why it's, uh, I think that there's the hesitations, though.

01:32:32.000 I think that there's a lot of, like, big business concern about what does that mean.

01:32:36.000 Oh, definitely.

01:32:36.000 It's like, you know, I mean, like, you know, alcohol companies, tobacco companies, like, all sorts of big bribe politicians kind of industries are worried.

01:32:44.000 What do you call it?

01:32:46.000 Prescription drug companies.

01:32:47.000 People that are concerned that they won't be controlling this substance.

01:32:53.000 It's a lot easier to grow pot in your backyard than it is to stomp grapes and make wine, I think.

01:32:58.000 No doubt.

01:32:58.000 I don't know.

01:32:59.000 Well, it's also they have a real problem when you're running any sort of a giant corporation is that your business has to increase every year.

01:33:07.000 It's these unlimited growth models. 0.93

01:33:10.000 Those are ridiculous.

01:33:11.000 Because if you have stockholders, you have to make the money. 0.72

01:33:13.000 We're up 5% this quarter.

01:33:15.000 If you keep going, you're going to have all the money on the planet.

01:33:18.000 How is that possible?

01:33:19.000 It's so weird.

01:33:20.000 You can't keep going if you're open for another 100 years business. 0.98

01:33:23.000 It seems to me that if I do my calculations, IBM or fucking Apple, you have all the money. 0.96

01:33:28.000 If you keep growing, you own everything. 0.97

01:33:30.000 At a certain point in time, that sounds... 0.98

01:33:32.000 Ridiculous.

01:33:33.000 Well, there's going to be like four companies in the whole world. 0.94

01:33:35.000 It's getting there now, anyway.

01:33:37.000 Especially as they start to combine.

01:33:39.000 So they all have to be terrified about any potential loss in revenue.

01:33:43.000 So potential loss in revenue because of legalization of things.

01:33:46.000 Even if they came up with a potential loss in revenue, but it would cure Ebola. 1.00

01:33:50.000 There's a lot of companies that would be like, fuck that. 0.99

01:33:51.000 We're not losing money. 1.00

01:33:52.000 Fuck those Africans. 1.00

01:33:54.000 Hey, if they want to fucking play with bodies over there, go at it. 1.00

01:33:57.000 I think that that's a very accurate... 0.96

01:34:00.000 From my understanding of it, which is limited, I won't pretend it's not, but it's like, from my understanding of it, it seems that the straight-up, hardcore business mentality is the only thing that matters is the bottom line, is how much we made.

01:34:14.000 And that's...

01:34:15.000 The job that they have is to just make sure those numbers get high.

01:34:18.000 And then it becomes a sort of thing, well, who's to tell them what they should or shouldn't do with that money?

01:34:22.000 And that's a larger argument.

01:34:24.000 They go, well, you know, government's taking tax on any of that money, so technically they're giving a lot of it away, you know, that's not...

01:34:31.000 Anyway, so then why do they have to cure Ebola?

01:34:34.000 Why can't they just get a crystal bathtub? 1.00

01:34:36.000 Like, what's the fucking... 0.99

01:34:37.000 Who's to say they can't, right? 0.99

01:34:38.000 And that's where you get into this, like, what I call, like, the soup of America right now, where people are mad that there's, like, these super rich people...

01:34:47.000 But then there's another group of people who are poor and being told that someday they will be super rich, so they should protect the super rich people.

01:34:53.000 And then there's the left who just feels like, oh no, no, no, no.

01:34:56.000 Everyone should have an equal share of everything.

01:34:59.000 I don't know.

01:35:00.000 You can't have an equal share.

01:35:02.000 Some people don't do equal work.

01:35:03.000 And that's the opinion of the right.

01:35:05.000 I agree with that opinion.

01:35:07.000 Yeah, I don't think everybody does equal work and deserves equal pay.

01:35:09.000 But at the same time, there is a sector of the population that has not had an equal opportunity to succeed.

01:35:16.000 And that's a reality.

01:35:18.000 Those people have not had an opportunity.

01:35:21.000 That's the big point, right?

01:35:22.000 That's the number one point.

01:35:23.000 I think so, too.

01:35:24.000 So it's like, you can't compare my childhood to some kid from the inner city. 0.99

01:35:29.000 Or you can't compare some kid from the inner city to Africa. 0.56

01:35:32.000 Right. 0.99

01:35:32.000 These people that grow up in these mud huts in Africa where the fucking Ebola lady who died in the hut next door and the husband's trying to pretend she's not dead and the whole city gets sick. 0.99

01:35:42.000 I mean, that guy's got it way fucking worse than anybody in America ever. 0.99

01:35:46.000 For sure. 0.99

01:35:46.000 But I mean, talking strictly, because once you start getting into international problems, that's where it really gets fucked up. 0.99

01:35:52.000 Here's where it's really fucked up. 0.98

01:35:53.000 Somebody just told me this the other day. 0.91

01:35:55.000 I forget who it was.

01:35:56.000 The real 1%, the real 1%, when you talk about the 1% of the people that make the most wealth in this world...

01:36:02.000 If you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet.

01:36:08.000 For the planet?

01:36:10.000 For the planet.

01:36:11.000 $35,000 a year.

01:36:13.000 If you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet.

01:36:16.000 Hmm. 1.00

01:36:18.000 Wrap your fucking head around that. 1.00

01:36:20.000 That's a true... 1.00

01:36:21.000 I don't know.

01:36:22.000 I'm just repeating it. 1.00

01:36:23.000 Yeah, fuck it. 1.00

01:36:23.000 You could be totally wrong. 1.00

01:36:24.000 I should Google it.

01:36:26.000 Allegedly.

01:36:26.000 I'll Google it right now.

01:36:27.000 I'll Google it.

01:36:28.000 No, but I do think that's true.

01:36:29.000 I think that when you start...

01:36:31.000 Strictly speaking domestically, because if you start going internationally, it gets really complicated.

01:36:36.000 Because even with global warming, people talk about changing how we live on the planet.

01:36:40.000 But that's not just America.

01:36:42.000 You'd technically have to get the entire world... 1.00

01:36:44.000 In on that shit. 0.99

01:36:45.000 I don't know if you've seen what's pumping out of the sky in China. 1.00

01:36:49.000 God, that's so scary.

01:36:50.000 It ain't pretty. 0.99

01:36:52.000 Even if we turn our shit around, the world is... 0.99

01:36:55.000 See that volcano, Joe, in Japan? 1.00

01:36:58.000 Yeah, dude.

01:37:00.000 It's so funny you said that because I was on this run last night of researching super volcanoes.

01:37:06.000 Really? 1.00

01:37:06.000 Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot, man. 1.00

01:37:08.000 What was the point? 1.00

01:37:09.000 You're just scared of an eruption?

01:37:10.000 Well, I went into Yellowstone and I was reading about Yellowstone and about how often it's blown and how many people have died.

01:37:20.000 Then I found out there's one actually in California.

01:37:22.000 Mm-hmm.

01:37:23.000 There's one in California.

01:37:24.000 Where?

01:37:25.000 There's one in northern California.

01:37:28.000 There's a caldera volcano.

01:37:30.000 Really?

01:37:30.000 Yeah.

01:37:31.000 It hasn't blown in X amount of 100,000 years, but there's one in California and then there's the Yellowstone one.

01:37:37.000 Oh, you mean Old Man Steam Pipe?

01:37:39.000 Well, there's an even bigger one in Indonesia that they think might have been responsible for the reason why all human beings come from like a group of original humans. 0.85

01:37:49.000 They think that the one that happened in Indonesia was so fucking big 75 million years ago or whatever it was, or 75,000 years ago, that it killed so many fucking people that there was like very few people left.

01:38:02.000 And that we all came from the survivors of this extreme cold front that washed over the entire country. 0.87

01:38:08.000 Or the entire world and put the world into essentially an ice age. 1.00

01:38:11.000 Shit. 1.00

01:38:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:12.000 And nothing anybody could do about that.

01:38:14.000 Doesn't matter how much plastic is in the ocean.

01:38:16.000 Doesn't matter how much you clean up the streets. 0.97

01:38:18.000 Doesn't matter how much you stop the gentrification of Brooklyn and fucking give back to the poor. 0.96

01:38:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:22.000 If that motherfucker blows, that's a wrap. 1.00

01:38:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:25.000 If that motherfucker blows, there's not much anybody can do, but try to figure out a way to can food and preserve as much nutrients as you can and bags and get underground. 1.00

01:38:38.000 And you'll probably bring some fucking vitamin D because you're not going to get any from the sun for the next decade or so. 1.00

01:38:43.000 You bring a tanning bed. 0.99

01:38:43.000 Let's be realistic. 0.99

01:38:44.000 You bring a high-end tanning bed.

01:38:46.000 Vitamin D. The video of the tourists with all the ashes just coming right towards them.

01:38:52.000 And they're still finding bodies in this ash.

01:38:54.000 It was, I guess, knee deep.

01:38:56.000 Jesus Christ.

01:38:57.000 Oh my God.

01:38:59.000 That's so scary.

01:39:00.000 That's really scary. 1.00

01:39:01.000 It's scary that they can't predict that shit, too. 1.00

01:39:04.000 It just sort of blows, man. 1.00

01:39:05.000 Just boom.

01:39:07.000 Yeah.

01:39:08.000 Well, they can't really predict too much.

01:39:09.000 Yep, it's $34,000.

01:39:11.000 Globally, $34,000 a year, you're in the top 1%.

01:39:14.000 That's crazy.

01:39:15.000 That's crazy.

01:39:15.000 That's absolutely crazy.

01:39:16.000 That's what's really going on in the world. 1.00

01:39:18.000 That's what should scare the fucking shit out of everybody. 0.99

01:39:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:22.000 No, it is.

01:39:22.000 That's real disparity.

01:39:24.000 Yeah, it is real disparity.

01:39:25.000 We take most of what we have, I think, for granted.

01:39:30.000 You know, it's like, you ever, like I was, when I flew in here, you know, it's like they got on the PA on the plane, they go, oh, you know, the Wi-Fi's down on the plane, and you hear people like, ugh.

01:39:38.000 Really?

01:39:38.000 C.K. has a whole bit about that.

01:39:39.000 Oh, does he really?

01:39:40.000 Yeah.

01:39:41.000 There it goes.

01:39:41.000 Oh, wait, the one about, exactly.

01:39:44.000 Is that the one about, then what, you fly like a god?

01:39:46.000 No, no, no, no.

01:39:47.000 He's like, everything is awesome and nobody's happy.

01:39:49.000 Oh, right.

01:39:50.000 I don't know that bit.

01:39:51.000 He's like, the whole thing about the Wi-Fi shutting down on the plane.

01:39:53.000 That's exactly it.

01:39:53.000 Oh, really?

01:39:54.000 There you go. 1.00

01:39:55.000 This fucking piece of shit doesn't work. 1.00

01:39:57.000 He's like, it goes to space. 1.00

01:39:59.000 Is that in that same bit where he says, and then what?

01:40:02.000 You fly like a Greek myth?

01:40:04.000 Oh, yeah.

01:40:04.000 I think so, yeah.

01:40:05.000 That's from Hilarious.

01:40:06.000 I didn't know he talked about Wi-Fi on planes because I thought that was...

01:40:08.000 I wasn't even, again, not even trying to do a bit. 0.94

01:40:10.000 So, again, perfect example of what we were talking about, but not trying to do a bit, but just the idea of, like, we do take, and Louis, I think, is on the forefront of bringing all that shit up. 0.96

01:40:19.000 Like, that's why he's so fucking awesome. 0.86

01:40:21.000 It's just, like, we're always unhappy, and we take everything for granted, and that... 0.99

01:40:26.000 The thing that opened my eyes to that more than anything was when I did a USO stand-up tour last summer in Afghanistan and hung out with those fucking guys and was like, not only am I a huge pussy, which had been confirmed years ago, but I have no... 0.99

01:40:39.000 I have... 1.00

01:40:41.000 No, like, right to even fucking bitch about the kind of shit that I can think of to complain about. 1.00

01:40:48.000 Yeah, no right, zero. 1.00

01:40:50.000 Yeah, zero right. 0.99

01:40:50.000 And I really have made an effort, concerted effort, to, like, not let that kind of shit bother me anymore. 0.99

01:40:56.000 That's a bad habit. 0.99

01:40:58.000 It's just a habit. 1.00

01:40:59.000 Like, dude, it's a fucking touchscreen computer in your pocket. 1.00

01:41:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:41:04.000 Whatever, 10 years ago, you couldn't even imagine the shit you could do on this, you know? 1.00

01:41:07.000 It'd be like, fucking, like, ugh. 1.00

01:41:09.000 But... 1.00

01:41:10.000 It's amazing. 0.99

01:41:10.000 If he's got a fucking signal that I don't, I'm pissed. 0.99

01:41:12.000 I don't care what you say. 0.99

01:41:13.000 Yeah.

01:41:14.000 Well, the other thing is... 0.99

01:41:15.000 He's downloading shit, and I can't even check my email. 0.98

01:41:16.000 Well, the reverse part of the argument is, but I'm also spending, like, 200 bucks a month for it. 0.99

01:41:20.000 So, like, you better fucking work, you know? 0.98

01:41:22.000 Right. 0.99

01:41:23.000 That's the other part of the argument, you know?

01:41:25.000 Well, how much should it be worth?

01:41:26.000 What's the realistic number?

01:41:27.000 Of what?

01:41:28.000 How much should a phone be worth?

01:41:29.000 It should be worth like a million dollars. 0.99

01:41:31.000 I mean, this fucking phone, how much can it do for you? 0.99

01:41:33.000 You think about what a phone actually does do for you. 1.00

01:41:35.000 But when they're built by slaves, Joe, they don't have to...

01:41:37.000 That's where it gets tricky. 0.99

01:41:38.000 They don't have to, yeah, you know, that's, again, where you get in the hypocrisy of all things, where you can't ever escape unintentionally being a hypocrite. 0.96

01:41:45.000 Well, not even unintentionally. 0.98

01:41:47.000 Let's just put willfully ignorant at the top of the list. 0.99

01:41:50.000 If anybody that's, like, super progressive, I'm only a vegan, I'm only trying to save the whales, I don't want to harm anything, but I have a fucking iPhone. 0.99

01:41:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:41:59.000 Like, you have a little bottle of conflict minerals in your hand. 0.98

01:42:03.000 Sure do, yeah. 1.00

01:42:04.000 That shit came out of, an African boy dug that shit out of a hole in the ground with a stick. 1.00

01:42:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:09.000 That's probably the origin of the minerals, the Coltrane inside your phone. 1.00

01:42:13.000 Yeah.

01:42:13.000 And then like a suicidal worker in a Chinese factory put this thing together on like two hours of sleep and like a 30 hour work day.

01:42:20.000 Yeah, with a place that has nets all around the building.

01:42:22.000 Nets, so that when they do or if they jump, they might not die. 1.00

01:42:25.000 I had this conversation with somebody about that. 0.98

01:42:27.000 It's actually very fucked up and we just deal with it because whatever man, what am I going to do? 0.97

01:42:31.000 Not have a phone, you know? 0.99

01:42:32.000 Yeah, we accept it.

01:42:33.000 There was a company for a while that was trying to do a Fairphone, remember that?

01:42:36.000 Google that Fairphone. 1.00

01:42:38.000 See if whatever happened with that.

01:42:40.000 They were only going to do 3G, and people were like, what?

01:42:42.000 What about 4G LC? Fuck this Fairphone. 1.00

01:42:45.000 And everybody just abandoned them. 1.00

01:42:47.000 Take out the whips, boys! 0.99

01:42:48.000 We need 4G! No conflict minerals. 1.00

01:42:51.000 They were going to do it.

01:42:52.000 It was going to be ethical.

01:42:54.000 It was going to cost a little bit more.

01:42:55.000 Oh, Fairphone.

01:42:56.000 There it is.

01:42:58.000 But I had this conversation with a friend, and he was like, well, did you know that the people that jump off the building in China, it's actually the same percentage commit suicide at those factories as the national average?

01:43:09.000 I go, yeah, but how many of the national average kill themselves while they're at work?

01:43:13.000 Yeah.

01:43:13.000 I don't know.

01:43:14.000 And he's like, yeah, but they work there and they live there, too.

01:43:17.000 I'm like, yeah.

01:43:17.000 See, that's the problem.

01:43:19.000 Right.

01:43:19.000 In other words, you can't joke about, oh, well, if it's the national average, like, it still seems like if a guy who made my phone wanted to kill himself, it's still a little bit, it should be a little bit of guilt.

01:43:29.000 That's a haunted device. 0.98

01:43:30.000 In every fucking call, you know? 1.00

01:43:32.000 Yeah, that fucking device is haunted, right? 1.00

01:43:33.000 Yeah, there's a chance. 1.00

01:43:34.000 It should make you feel terrible.

01:43:35.000 Yes, it should. 0.99

01:43:36.000 You should be freaking the fuck out. 0.93

01:43:36.000 Every time it rings, it should make you feel a little sad. 0.93

01:43:39.000 Yeah, but I need it.

01:43:40.000 I ordered a 6. I haven't gotten mine in.

01:43:43.000 I'm waiting on my 6. The Fairphone is now in stock.

01:43:46.000 What's the specs, Brian?

01:43:47.000 Read the specs.

01:43:48.000 Can you read it?

01:43:49.000 It's right here.

01:43:49.000 It says front camera, 1.3 megabytes.

01:43:52.000 Android OS. You mean gigabytes?

01:43:54.000 Yeah, giga...

01:43:54.000 No.

01:43:55.000 Megapixels, rather?

01:43:55.000 Yeah, gigabytes.

01:43:56.000 Megapixels.

01:43:57.000 Megapixels.

01:43:57.000 Yes.

01:43:58.000 Android OS. That's weak.

01:44:00.000 4.2 jelly beans.

01:44:01.000 Smells like patchouli.

01:44:02.000 KitKat?

01:44:03.000 Isn't KitKat?

01:44:07.000 Isn't the new one...

01:44:08.000 And all the crystals inside are spiritual crystals.

01:44:10.000 They're all like, you know, remove demons from your soul.

01:44:13.000 Which version of Android does it run?

01:44:14.000 Is that the latest?

01:44:15.000 No.

01:44:16.000 No. 1.00

01:44:17.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:44:18.000 Yeah, it's... 1.00

01:44:18.000 I mean, it looks... 1.00

01:44:19.000 It literally is like a phone from five years ago.

01:44:22.000 Pretty much.

01:44:23.000 But what is their pitch?

01:44:24.000 What do they guarantee?

01:44:26.000 Everyone who worked on it was really happy.

01:44:29.000 Conflict-free.

01:44:30.000 Our soldering paste uses tin.

01:44:32.000 Ew.

01:44:33.000 It's going to be a shitty signal when you're on the subway.

01:44:35.000 Don't get it.

01:44:37.000 Fuses paste.

01:44:39.000 Soldering paste.

01:44:40.000 Soldering paste.

01:44:41.000 We made it with the yucca plant.

01:44:43.000 We ground the roots.

01:44:45.000 To make a biodegradable paste.

01:44:47.000 Biodegradable phone.

01:44:48.000 GPS, Wi-Fi, and grass-fed Bluetooth.

01:44:51.000 Grass-fed.

01:44:52.000 Is it gluten-free?

01:44:54.000 Is that a gluten-free phone?

01:44:55.000 It's also HMO. No HMOs.

01:44:58.000 No GMOs.

01:44:59.000 It's not homo. 1.00

01:45:00.000 No HMOs. 0.66

01:45:01.000 No MSG. No MSG. No GMOs.

01:45:04.000 Yeah, it's all super awesome.

01:45:07.000 It's just awesome.

01:45:07.000 Gluten-free.

01:45:08.000 It makes you a better person when you have it in your pocket.

01:45:10.000 Yeah, it totally does.

01:45:11.000 It doesn't give you cancer like every other phone.

01:45:13.000 Nope.

01:45:14.000 Nope.

01:45:14.000 It actually cures cancer.

01:45:15.000 You know Sheryl Crow thinks she got cancer from her phone? 1.00

01:45:18.000 I did not know that.

01:45:19.000 Sheryl Crow has brain cancer.

01:45:20.000 And she attributes it to when she was...

01:45:22.000 Really?

01:45:23.000 Yeah, when she was doing that, All I wanna do is have some fun.

01:45:27.000 Apparently when she was doing press for that album, like back in the 90s or whatever it was, she had, you know, it was the old school phones.

01:45:32.000 Yeah.

01:45:33.000 She did hundreds of calls.

01:45:34.000 And she did them all with her cell phone.

01:45:36.000 Without a...

01:45:37.000 No, just holding it up to her head.

01:45:38.000 That's what everybody did. 1.00

01:45:39.000 Nobody had a fucking button. 0.99

01:45:41.000 Remember those old phones, like a StarTac? 0.99

01:45:43.000 Those didn't have a thing for a microphone. 0.91

01:45:45.000 You didn't have a thing that you put on your ear.

01:45:46.000 And we liked it!

01:45:47.000 Yeah.

01:45:48.000 I was happy.

01:45:49.000 I used to StarTac uphill both ways.

01:45:54.000 But now, everybody has some sort of a headpiece, for the most part.

01:45:58.000 I usually use the same earbuds.

01:46:01.000 Me too.

01:46:01.000 Those microphones are good, man.

01:46:02.000 Those little Apple ones.

01:46:03.000 I've tried a bunch of different things, but it seems like everybody can hear me from those little white Apple ones.

01:46:07.000 The best.

01:46:08.000 The good ones.

01:46:08.000 The best.

01:46:09.000 They seem to be...

01:46:10.000 Everybody wants the newest...

01:46:12.000 But for just being on the phone, those seem to be the best.

01:46:15.000 I also think when you have the Bluetooth earpiece, it's always weird me out because it feels like, well, isn't that still a signal?

01:46:21.000 Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?

01:46:23.000 You still have something radiating next to your head. 1.00

01:46:25.000 I've never heard anybody dying from it, but what if it makes you just a little stupider? 1.00

01:46:30.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:46:31.000 That could be already what's happening.

01:46:33.000 Well, that's what people worry about, Wi-Fi signals.

01:46:35.000 I mean, I don't know how much time you spend in the real wilderness, but this is going to sound totally unscientific and probably ridiculous, but...

01:46:42.000 I like it.

01:46:43.000 I have a feeling that there's a little something that your body is interacting with when you're in a room that has Wi-Fi, when you're in a town that has radio, there's television signals in the air.

01:46:54.000 Everywhere you go, there's cell phone signals.

01:46:56.000 There's signals in the air, and they freak out bees.

01:46:59.000 Bees have a real hard time with cell phone signals. 0.99

01:47:02.000 It's a big problem.

01:47:02.000 Yeah, it's one of the big problems.

01:47:04.000 Pesticides is another one.

01:47:05.000 And bats, too. 1.00

01:47:05.000 Bats are getting all fucked up. 1.00

01:47:06.000 Bats are getting fucked up, too, because their signals are all like... 1.00

01:47:09.000 Yeah, they can't track their signals. 1.00

01:47:11.000 They end up fucking eavesdropping on your call and hitting a fucking bus or something. 0.99

01:47:15.000 Yeah, maybe if your phone drops off, it's because a bat. 1.00

01:47:18.000 Every time you drop a call, a bat dies.

01:47:20.000 Just think about what's going on in the air.

01:47:23.000 There's so much stuff in the air. 0.99

01:47:24.000 And if you're a bat or a bee, it's like they're having a 24-hour fucking party next door. 0.99

01:47:30.000 Yeah, all the time. 0.99

01:47:30.000 Like, you live in this awesome neighborhood. 0.99

01:47:32.000 You grew up there.

01:47:33.000 Your family's from there.

01:47:34.000 Everybody else's family's from there.

01:47:35.000 And in this neighborhood, every time you would open the door, you'd just hear chirp, chirp, chirp. 0.99

01:47:39.000 You would see fucking butterflies flying. 1.00

01:47:41.000 And then next door, this fucking death metal band. 1.00

01:47:44.000 And they rehearsed 24 hours a day. 1.00

01:47:48.000 Or Zac Efron's frat moves in next door.

01:47:52.000 That could be the other one.

01:47:54.000 But yeah, and the other part of that too is when you go into a less populated area that doesn't have all these signals, you ever go to lock your car with your little key fob thing?

01:48:05.000 And you could do it from like...

01:48:06.000 Two blocks away when you're not...

01:48:09.000 But when you're in a city, you've got to go next to the door because the signal can't...

01:48:13.000 It's always that little sign. 0.99

01:48:14.000 There's a lot of shit flying around in the air all the time. 0.99

01:48:17.000 Just to think of that signal. 1.00

01:48:19.000 What is happening there?

01:48:20.000 I'm pressing a button and this little thing flies over and opens... 1.00

01:48:24.000 And you can start your fucking car with it! 0.99

01:48:25.000 And you know they have them for cell phones too, right? 1.00

01:48:27.000 Where you can start your car from...

01:48:29.000 Your phone.

01:48:30.000 Yeah.

01:48:30.000 From miles away.

01:48:31.000 My car can do it.

01:48:32.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:48:32.000 Oh, that's so ridiculous. 0.96

01:48:33.000 I can unlock my car. 0.97

01:48:34.000 Disengage that.

01:48:35.000 Dude, disengage that.

01:48:36.000 No, but in other words... 0.99

01:48:37.000 I'm thinking of going old school and getting a car that you need to use a fucking key to open. 0.99

01:48:40.000 I like a car with a key. 0.99

01:48:41.000 I need a car with a key.

01:48:42.000 Yeah.

01:48:42.000 The only problem with a key car is if you're in a parking garage and there's a murderer coming after you, you always drop him.

01:48:47.000 You know what I mean?

01:48:48.000 You always...

01:48:48.000 You can't ever get him in the hole.

01:48:50.000 That's true.

01:48:51.000 My car doesn't have a key hole.

01:48:52.000 Like a key hole at all.

01:48:54.000 There's no hole.

01:48:54.000 There's no hole anywhere on my car.

01:48:56.000 But can't you leave your keys?

01:48:58.000 I don't think my Porsche has a keyhole. 1.00

01:49:00.000 Shit. 1.00

01:49:00.000 I don't think it does. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Yeah, because your car knows when your keys are near it, so it doesn't have a keyhole.

01:49:07.000 Yeah, my BMW doesn't even have a key.

01:49:08.000 It's just got this thing.

01:49:10.000 My car has butt sensors, so if it's someone else's butt, it won't start. 0.98

01:49:14.000 I think I'm going to go old school.

01:49:15.000 I'm just going to try to figure out if I could drive around a 1969 Mustang and not lose my mind.

01:49:19.000 Well, out here you can.

01:49:20.000 The only problem with those cars, I'm sure you have, driving those old Mustangs, is a lot of them don't have power steering.

01:49:25.000 No, those old Mustangs had power steering.

01:49:29.000 They're like 63? 0.78

01:49:30.000 It's shitty steering.

01:49:30.000 Oh, no.

01:49:31.000 Maybe if you go that far back.

01:49:32.000 Because I had a buddy of mine in high school had one of those, man. 1.00

01:49:34.000 They're fun to drive, but for an everyday car, you want to go park, you're like, shit. 0.99

01:49:39.000 It'd be good for your arms, though. 0.99

01:49:40.000 It's like turning a boat.

01:49:40.000 It's good to work out.

01:49:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:42.000 I think the real issue with those cars is they handle like dog shit. 0.99

01:49:46.000 You have to figure out someone who can do what they call a pro-touring version of those cars. 0.99

01:49:52.000 So they take an old car and then they put a more modern suspension on it so you can actually drive it.

01:49:56.000 But it's still never going to be like that.

01:49:58.000 The new cars, if you hit your brakes, there's anti-lock brakes.

01:50:02.000 People forget about locking your brakes up.

01:50:04.000 How about, like, the newest cars now have sensors on them.

01:50:07.000 Oh, yeah.

01:50:08.000 Like, if somebody cuts in front of you, it automatically breaks.

01:50:10.000 Yeah.

01:50:10.000 There's a lot of those new cars.

01:50:11.000 It's pretty sweet, especially if you like to text and drive, you know? 0.98

01:50:13.000 You don't even have to fucking look anymore. 0.94

01:50:14.000 I rented a car, and it swerves you back if you go over the line. 0.99

01:50:19.000 Like, if you go over the line on the highway, it goes like this.

01:50:21.000 Whoop.

01:50:22.000 It pulls you back.

01:50:23.000 I feel like that takes some getting used to though, right?

01:50:25.000 Well, you can shut it off if you want to.

01:50:27.000 Yeah, what if it freaks out and just like slams on the brake, you're going like 90 on the freeway and it slams on the brake or it jerks over and you hit it.

01:50:33.000 Better yet, what about that Michael Hastings guy, that guy that committed suicide who was going after all these generals and exposed all this crazy shit and was, you know, said to all of his family that he was worried that they were going to try to take him out and then he winds up going down, was it Sunset?

01:50:47.000 Sunset. 0.86

01:50:47.000 Where was it? 0.86

01:50:49.000 Highland?

01:50:49.000 Some major street in LA. He's going 120 miles an hour and slams into a fucking tree.

01:50:54.000 Car explodes. 1.00

01:50:55.000 Engine goes flying.

01:50:56.000 Engine flew away from the car like 30 feet.

01:50:59.000 Oh, it's a crazy story.

01:51:00.000 The conspiracy theorists love this story like no other. 1.00

01:51:03.000 Because if anybody was ever going to get killed, it was this motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:06.000 He was going after generals. 1.00

01:51:08.000 But those are the times where conspiracies make more sense to me.

01:51:12.000 Yeah.

01:51:12.000 Because those are closed networks.

01:51:16.000 My whole problem with conspiracies is people aren't good at keeping secrets, man.

01:51:21.000 So when they're that big, I have a hard time believing.

01:51:24.000 You know who's good at it though?

01:51:25.000 I don't think the government's that organized. 1.00

01:51:25.000 But I could see some generals taking it out, motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:28.000 That makes sense. 0.99

01:51:29.000 Those industrialist dudes that run everything, they're pretty good at keeping secrets.

01:51:33.000 Yeah.

01:51:33.000 I mean, when you find out about, like, this new, the Lehman Sachs tapes that just came out.

01:51:36.000 Is that Lehman Sachs?

01:51:37.000 Goldman Sachs.

01:51:38.000 Goldman Sachs.

01:51:39.000 Goldman Sachs.

01:51:39.000 Goldman Sachs tapes that just came out.

01:51:41.000 Have you paid any attention to this?

01:51:43.000 It's the banker.

01:51:44.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:51:44.000 I don't know what the fucking revelations were, but apparently people are freaking out about these new, like, hours of tapes that just came out that just show how they've paid off the regulatory commissions. 0.98

01:51:54.000 Like, how the whole thing is, like, the bankers, like, established the standards and run the system. 0.98

01:51:58.000 But there's a legality, there's like a weird loophole where politicians meet. 0.79

01:52:03.000 This happens with Nancy Pelosi, and everyone kind of just stopped talking about it, but it's like they meet with these stock guys, get all this insider information, and then are still allowed to invest in the companies and fucking make money on it. 0.87

01:52:15.000 It's unbelievable.

01:52:18.000 It's not legal, but it's only legal because it's the people who make the laws.

01:52:21.000 I don't know.

01:52:23.000 Those are the issues that really hurt my brain, especially since we get distracted by something else, and then we stop talking about it, and then somehow it just is okay.

01:52:31.000 In Bloomberg, this is the article saying, the reporter, Jake Bernstein, has obtained 46 hours of tape recordings made secretly by a Federal Reserve employee of conversations within the Fed and between the Fed and Goldman Sachs.

01:52:47.000 They're calling it the Ray Rice video for the financial sector.

01:52:50.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:52:51.000 This is scary shit. 1.00

01:52:53.000 They don't need to call it that. 1.00

01:52:54.000 Yeah, right. 1.00

01:52:55.000 It's a stupid name. 1.00

01:52:56.000 They have to. 1.00

01:52:56.000 That's a stupid name for it. 1.00

01:52:58.000 It's the next Lindsay Lohan. 1.00

01:53:02.000 It's the Anthony Wiener pictures of real estate. 0.91

01:53:06.000 Well, the best one of that is when someone talks about a word that's offensive and they'll say, it's our nigger. 0.67

01:53:11.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:53:12.000 Like tranny. 1.00

01:53:13.000 They're using that for tranny. 0.99

01:53:15.000 They're saying, that's our nigger. 0.97

01:53:16.000 Yeah, that's the thing with that, too.

01:53:20.000 There's got to be an update on what's offensive.

01:53:23.000 Because stuff changes sometimes, and then you don't know it, and then you say it, and people are like, oh, you can't say that.

01:53:28.000 Like, I didn't know.

01:53:28.000 Retard's out.

01:53:29.000 You know that, right?

01:53:30.000 That's long out.

01:53:30.000 It's been out for a couple years.

01:53:31.000 A couple years, yeah.

01:53:32.000 I stopped.

01:53:32.000 I stopped using retard.

01:53:33.000 I did.

01:53:34.000 I stopped. 1.00

01:53:35.000 What about bitch? 1.00

01:53:36.000 Bitch is on its way out. 1.00

01:53:38.000 But yeah, bitch is, and so is pussy. 1.00

01:53:40.000 Pussy's on its way. 1.00

01:53:41.000 Yeah, people don't like... 0.99

01:53:42.000 Because calling somebody weak, using effeminate expression... 1.00

01:53:46.000 But when a girl calls a man a pussy, I like it. 1.00

01:53:49.000 Yeah, fuck it. 1.00

01:53:49.000 No, but I also think it's weird. 1.00

01:53:51.000 I think it would be weird if you... 1.00

01:53:53.000 In other words, the idea of a bitch or pussy, but it's like, dude, don't be such a pussy, but if... 1.00

01:53:58.000 Yeah, I get it. 1.00

01:53:59.000 It's like, alright, so that means you're making, by putting a female, you know, making it a gender thing, it makes that women are weaker. 0.88

01:54:06.000 But then at the same time, how weird would it sound if you made that the other way? 0.99

01:54:11.000 So, like, pussy was mean you're, like, a badass. 1.00

01:54:14.000 Like, dude, dude, you don't have a pussy big enough to jump off that fucking ledge. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Like, it doesn't work that way either, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:54:22.000 Like, Darren, your buddy, you're like, dude, how big's your pussy, bro? 1.00

01:54:25.000 You can do it, the water's cold, you know? 1.00

01:54:26.000 But you'll tell a girl she's got balls. 1.00

01:54:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:29.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:54:30.000 I don't know.

01:54:30.000 I guess I see it, one means brave and one means weak, but at the same time...

01:54:33.000 I think we're micromanaging.

01:54:34.000 I really do.

01:54:35.000 It's also just, some of it's like, I feel like with some of that stuff, I feel like, I don't know, man, I'm cooked.

01:54:39.000 Like, that's fine if the next generation...

01:54:40.000 Remember your grandparents? 0.99

01:54:42.000 Like, there's certain fucking things where, like, I don't know. 0.99

01:54:44.000 Like, I'm not gonna say Asian. 0.99

01:54:46.000 Like, I'm too old, you know what I mean?

01:54:49.000 It's oriental.

01:54:50.000 I don't know.

01:54:51.000 Look, we had to change from Chinaman to oriental.

01:54:54.000 I don't want to change another time. 0.98

01:54:55.000 I was with my friend at a fucking diner once, and this guy said something to my friend, like, your kind of people. 0.95

01:55:02.000 And so I saw my friend sitting there going, I go, what kind of people? 0.98

01:55:07.000 I asked a question for him.

01:55:08.000 And the guy goes, you know, coloreds. 0.94

01:55:10.000 And he didn't think there was anything wrong with saying COVID because he was like, you know, we were probably like 18 and he was in his 60s.

01:55:16.000 Yeah, that was his...

01:55:17.000 Well, that still seems weird.

01:55:19.000 It was weird.

01:55:20.000 It was real weird.

01:55:21.000 But he was not being disrespectful.

01:55:23.000 Right, of course not.

01:55:23.000 He just thought that was the appropriate...

01:55:25.000 But that's the thing that does happen.

01:55:27.000 It is hard for people to keep up with changes in language because you're just used to...

01:55:32.000 I don't know, I grew up saying retard was, you know, and the F word, you know.

01:55:37.000 Well, the problem with retarded is retarded is actually, if you think about the word, it's meaning like slow growth. 1.00

01:55:45.000 Yeah. 0.75

01:55:45.000 And if you tell someone that's a retarded way of looking at something, it's like there's slow growth in the way you look. 0.75

01:55:50.000 You're going to need to catch the fuck up. 0.99

01:55:52.000 It's a valid way of saying it. 0.96

01:55:53.000 Yes. 0.94

01:55:54.000 But when you call someone a retard... 0.94

01:55:56.000 Right.

01:55:56.000 Because that implies that they have, you know...

01:55:59.000 Down syndrome.

01:55:59.000 Down syndrome or, yeah, some kind of a...

01:56:01.000 You know, mental handicap. 0.99

01:56:03.000 Do you know that used to be mongoloid, like the term that they used to use, mongoloid idiot, is the term they used to use on your birth certificate if you're born with Down syndrome. 1.00

01:56:12.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.94

01:56:14.000 No, I know, there's books, if you read like anthropological books from like the 1800s, the way they refer to different kinds of people, like, it's frightening.

01:56:23.000 Thaddeus Russell was on the podcast last week.

01:56:26.000 He's awesome, by the way, I heard that.

01:56:27.000 Brilliant guy.

01:56:28.000 Yeah.

01:56:28.000 But did you hear what he was talking about about the Irish?

01:56:30.000 The Irish were considered chimpanzees. 1.00

01:56:32.000 They were less than blacks. 1.00

01:56:35.000 Yeah. 0.60

01:56:36.000 And that their race was...

01:56:37.000 That's the other thing that always is so fascinating to me.

01:56:39.000 You guys were talking about that.

01:56:40.000 But this idea now that you get...

01:56:44.000 And he was talking about it.

01:56:45.000 They became cops and this.

01:56:46.000 They get assimilated into white culture. 0.71

01:56:48.000 But there's a whole white that... 0.84

01:56:50.000 Anyone who traces back to Ellis Island is...

01:56:53.000 I'm an Italian Jew.

01:56:55.000 That's not really... 1.00

01:56:58.000 People get, like, I have a lot of, like, Italian, like, Long Island fans, you know, like, who's like, fucking Mexicans coming in, like, that kind of shit. 1.00

01:57:05.000 And, like, it's like, that's just, they're just the Italians of now, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:57:09.000 Like, the Italians were just the Mexicans of, like, the early 1900s. 0.89

01:57:13.000 Like, nobody liked them. 1.00

01:57:14.000 They were pieces of shit. 1.00

01:57:15.000 They were, like, laborers, all this shit. 1.00

01:57:16.000 So it's, like, it's weird to think that... 1.00

01:57:19.000 You're white privilege.

01:57:20.000 Yeah, like, it's like, you know, you hear Hannity and these guys going, oh, the way Americans speak. 1.00

01:57:23.000 Like, dude, you're a fucking Irish guy. 1.00

01:57:25.000 Like, you're two generations away from just being a piece of shit. 1.00

01:57:28.000 Like, don't treat those people like a piece of shit. 1.00

01:57:30.000 Well, not only that, you came directly from immigration. 1.00

01:57:34.000 Yeah. 0.74

01:57:34.000 100% directly from savages. 0.74

01:57:36.000 And you're, like, succeeding in this country in the way your great-grandparents dreamed you would.

01:57:41.000 Not even dreamed.

01:57:42.000 You know, their wildest ways.

01:57:44.000 Right, their wildest ways, yeah.

01:57:45.000 And so it's always astonishing to me when it's like, oh, no.

01:57:48.000 You're anti-immigration.

01:57:49.000 Yeah.

01:57:49.000 What's that?

01:57:50.000 Yeah, they're anti-immigration! 1.00

01:57:51.000 And look, again, illegal immigration is a different argument, but there is a tendency to be waiting on line at the nightclub, and then you get in, and you're like, look, are you going to let those assholes in? 1.00

01:58:05.000 You look back at the line, and you're like, dude, you just got in the fucking club! 1.00

01:58:07.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:58:08.000 Well, I think if people could fly around, it would be even more ridiculous to not have immigration.

01:58:14.000 Because if people could fly around, if we all had flying cars, and you could just go across the border left and right, there would be no one to stop you.

01:58:19.000 Because you could just go anywhere you want.

01:58:21.000 Unless they figured out a way to grid up the sky, where they could block you and do a traffic stop in the sky above Mexico.

01:58:28.000 But if they couldn't do that... 0.97

01:58:30.000 How the fuck are you ever going to tell people where they can go or not go? 0.96

01:58:32.000 They're going to go where the work is. 0.96

01:58:33.000 Where's the jobs?

01:58:34.000 The jobs are in America. 0.76

01:58:35.000 They would go to America, and then America would overrun, and people would start slowly trickling back into Mexico and reestablishing communities, and it would even out eventually. 0.87

01:58:43.000 But if they don't do that, it's almost never going to even out. 0.97

01:58:47.000 People are like, ah, Mexicos need to get their shit together on their own. 1.00

01:58:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:59.000 Yeah.

01:59:10.000 Right?

01:59:10.000 We don't have the same issue in the North.

01:59:13.000 No, we don't.

01:59:13.000 There is something to be said about what life is like for Mexicans in Mexico.

01:59:18.000 You're talking about $35,000 being the 1%.

01:59:21.000 That life in that country in a lot of ways is like...

01:59:25.000 We're good to go.

01:59:51.000 Yeah.

02:00:09.000 Ultimately, it seems kind of silly. 0.97

02:00:11.000 At some point in time, it seems crazy that a person has a chance or doesn't have a chance based on which patch of dirt they just got shit out on. 0.97

02:00:18.000 No doubt. 0.97

02:00:19.000 The bottom line is that's just living in modern society.

02:00:25.000 We have to have some rules.

02:00:26.000 My thought is we do have poor people.

02:00:29.000 That's what we were talking about, about people needing help. 0.92

02:00:33.000 It gets complicated in America because you want to help people, but then you start going, Well, we want to help people, but we don't want to have a system where people are like, fuck it, I don't need to work, I'm getting this sweet. 0.73

02:00:44.000 Because that's a whole other problem. 0.93

02:00:45.000 That's a huge problem.

02:00:46.000 And then it's also like, well, I work really hard, and I'm giving a lot of my money back to the government, and I don't really have much of a say in how they manage that money, and I don't think they do a very good job of it, which I think anyone would say.

02:00:56.000 But then at the same time, somebody...

02:00:58.000 So now you're going to have that whole argument about people who live here and are born here and what rights they have by being born here.

02:01:03.000 All it is is like, I was literally born here, but you've got to make a rule somewhere.

02:01:08.000 Think about how radical a proposal would be if a presidential candidate or someone got on television and had a detailed, outlined idea of how they want to improve inner cities.

02:01:19.000 And one of them, it starts with re-educating the adults in the community. 0.99

02:01:25.000 I mean, people would be like, what the fuck? 0.98

02:01:26.000 But if they don't do that, anything else you do... 0.99

02:01:29.000 If you add money, and if you give people money for nothing, you can call it whatever, reparations, you could call it welfare, depending on what race you're talking about.

02:01:38.000 Just giving impoverished people money, white people included. 0.99

02:01:40.000 People who are poor, live in fuck-up areas. 0.99

02:01:42.000 You give them opportunities, you give them money, you give them education. 0.99

02:01:44.000 If you don't do something about the mindset of the adults, nothing's going to change.

02:01:48.000 Yeah.

02:01:48.000 Because they're still going to abuse their kids.

02:01:50.000 They're still going to have terrible ideas of the world.

02:01:52.000 A big part of these communities is not just the financial strife. 1.00

02:01:56.000 It's also that you're stuck with a bunch of fucking dummies. 0.99

02:01:59.000 Yeah, but at the same time, it's a culture that has been an abused culture in this country for a long time. 1.00

02:02:06.000 It certainly has, but what about the white folks that are poor, too?

02:02:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:09.000 If you're in a trailer park in West Virginia, that's just as bad. 0.99

02:02:12.000 Yeah.

02:02:12.000 You ever see the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia?

02:02:15.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

02:02:16.000 Fucking wild-ass documentary. 1.00

02:02:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:18.000 Have you seen that?

02:02:18.000 I've seen clips of it.

02:02:19.000 I've never seen the whole thing. 0.97

02:02:20.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.93

02:02:21.000 I'll put it on my list. 0.98

02:02:22.000 It's awesome.

02:02:23.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:02:23.000 But these people, I mean, you might as well be black in the South. 0.96

02:02:27.000 You might as well be in a poor neighborhood in Compton or Watts. 1.00

02:02:31.000 You're fucked. 1.00

02:02:32.000 You got born into this neighborhood with a bunch of criminals. 1.00

02:02:34.000 That's not the problem, but that's the complication with the system that's like...

02:02:39.000 Where people go, oh, look, this country, you know, you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you work your ass off. 0.87

02:02:43.000 But it's like, hold on a minute, like, my bootstraps were pretty fucking high. 0.95

02:02:46.000 Yeah. 0.95

02:02:46.000 Out of the gate. 0.95

02:02:47.000 Like, they were barely, they were already at my knees when I was born, you know?

02:02:50.000 And I wasn't born rich, but I was born like a, you know, I came from Italian Jews, like, working class people, hardworking people, but I was able to go to college.

02:02:59.000 I was able to, like, do an internship for, like, a Dave Letterman for a summer.

02:03:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:03.000 You don't get opportunities like that if you need to fucking have a job and shit. 0.99

02:03:07.000 You know that expression, born on third and thinking you hit a triple? 1.00

02:03:10.000 Yeah.

02:03:10.000 Oh, no, no.

02:03:11.000 And I'm saying, I think that the people...

02:03:13.000 I don't have guilt about it because I think the people that worked before me worked...

02:03:16.000 And I knew my grandfathers very well.

02:03:18.000 Those guys were like stealing coal off of trucks to keep warm kind of dudes.

02:03:21.000 Right.

02:03:22.000 And they worked their ass off so that everyone could do better.

02:03:25.000 And now I'm that next generation who's been given a lot because of their hard work.

02:03:29.000 I appreciate it on all levels.

02:03:31.000 But...

02:03:31.000 Definitely easier for me to do comedy as a career.

02:03:36.000 No doubt.

02:03:36.000 But if you could do it, okay, you spent all these years working for The Daily Show, and there's a lot of political thinking involved in that kind of a job.

02:03:44.000 If you could fix it, what would you do?

02:03:46.000 I mean, if someone said, all right, President Rory, you have all this money to allocate.

02:03:50.000 President Rory.

02:03:51.000 Take all that marijuana sales.

02:03:52.000 Well, on the president, the first thing I do is, I want a lobster sandwich!

02:03:55.000 You know, I just start ordering food.

02:03:56.000 Cold or warm?

02:03:57.000 You can get anything you want anytime, right?

02:03:59.000 I don't think you can.

02:04:00.000 Nothing sexual.

02:04:01.000 Oh, well, nothing sexual.

02:04:03.000 Nobody can keep their mouth shut anymore.

02:04:04.000 I mean, the guy's running the free world.

02:04:05.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

02:04:06.000 Once he gets a robot fuck doll, everyone's going to shut their mouth. 1.00

02:04:09.000 I don't think the president should be allowed to have the robot fuck doll. 1.00

02:04:12.000 He should love Mrs. Obama. 1.00

02:04:15.000 She's a wonderful woman.

02:04:16.000 I would be so happy if she was mine.

02:04:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:04:20.000 Man, I don't know, man.

02:04:22.000 I mean, I wish I don't have the capacity to have an answer.

02:04:25.000 But isn't that a part of the problem?

02:04:26.000 That's a part of the problem, is that everybody has this complaint that we need to make the poor rich or help them out.

02:04:31.000 Oh, I don't think we need to make the poor rich.

02:04:33.000 I'm not even saying that.

02:04:34.000 I'm just saying everybody has this complaint that there's a disparity in wealth.

02:04:37.000 Everybody has this complaint that the people that are in the minorities, that are in poor neighborhoods, crime-ridden, they don't have a chance. 0.97

02:04:45.000 And you're right, but what the fuck can be done?

02:04:47.000 Well, you know, I don't think there's such a thing as a society where nobody's poor, except for, like, Norway, or, like, those weird, like, Nordic countries where people, I don't know, somehow are all rich and look the same. 0.96

02:04:58.000 Well, that's just because there hasn't been a society.

02:05:00.000 It doesn't mean it's not possible.

02:05:01.000 But I do think, like, George Carlin used to have a thing where he would talk about poverty, and we'd go, like, this is how the world works.

02:05:08.000 You know, there's...

02:05:10.000 There's rich people who do none of the work, make all the money.

02:05:14.000 Then there's the middle class who do all the work, make a little bit of the money.

02:05:18.000 And then there's the poor to scare the shit out of the middle class so they keep showing up to their jobs every day. 1.00

02:05:24.000 Oh, that's smart. 0.88

02:05:24.000 You know what I mean? 0.88

02:05:25.000 And it's like the system needs to function in some capacity.

02:05:29.000 So there's always going to be poor people.

02:05:30.000 And I do believe that in a lot of cases...

02:05:36.000 Richer people in this country, some of them were born privileged, but somebody along the way was shrewd, somebody was smart, and a lot of times it was just screwing people over.

02:05:44.000 I mean, if you look at all the tycoons of the industrial age and all those guys, they fucked over a lot of people to get really rich.

02:05:53.000 And also, I don't know, a lot of times the people who got here first have all the money, like the real wealth in this country, like the waspy wealth, it's like that's Plymouth Rock.

02:06:01.000 Yeah.

02:06:01.000 That's like Folgers.

02:06:03.000 Like, those guys came over on the boat, on the Mayflower, and were like, I'll be the coffee guy!

02:06:07.000 You know?

02:06:08.000 And it's like, that's it.

02:06:09.000 No one named Folgers has worked again, you know?

02:06:11.000 Right. 0.99

02:06:11.000 So it's like, they were just calling shit. 0.99

02:06:13.000 Well, that's the ultimate, you know, spoon in your mouth. 1.00

02:06:16.000 That's the ultimate privilege and luck, is being a part of some oligarch family.

02:06:21.000 Did you ever see that Jamie Johnson made that movie called Born Rich a couple years ago for HBO? He's in the Johnson& Johnson era.

02:06:28.000 Is it good?

02:06:28.000 Yeah, it's good.

02:06:30.000 It's called Born Rich?

02:06:31.000 Yeah.

02:06:31.000 It's a documentary?

02:06:32.000 Uh-huh.

02:06:33.000 He shot it on video, but it's very good, and it's all about the weird struggle that these kids have who are not rich.

02:06:41.000 Get a job, Rich.

02:06:42.000 Like, you don't ever have to do anything ever again.

02:06:44.000 And I think he got sued, actually, by the Vanderbilt kid.

02:06:48.000 Not Vanderbilt, Carnegie.

02:06:49.000 One of the Carnegie kids who he was friends with growing up.

02:06:52.000 Because he was friends with Vanderbilt, Carnegie.

02:06:53.000 And this kid's telling a story about how he was with his grandfather.

02:07:00.000 Oh, my God.

02:07:25.000 And he gave New York Grand Central Station.

02:07:27.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:07:30.000 Rockefeller gave New York the Palisade Cliffs.

02:07:34.000 He was like, you can have these, but you can't build on them.

02:07:37.000 I like the look of the cliffs.

02:07:38.000 Most of New York was just gifted by rich dudes.

02:07:42.000 Put my name on it!

02:07:43.000 Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

02:07:44.000 So these kids are the heirs of those guys. 1.00

02:07:47.000 And they're pretty fucked up. 1.00

02:07:49.000 And Jamie Johnson's dad... 1.00

02:07:51.000 You imagine he's running Johnson& Johnson.

02:07:53.000 You think he's probably going there every day with a suit and tie on and be like, we need more Q-tips.

02:07:57.000 They're too hard.

02:07:58.000 No. 1.00

02:07:58.000 He's sitting in his fucking garage painting. 1.00

02:08:01.000 He's never worked a day in his life. 1.00

02:08:03.000 Wow.

02:08:03.000 It must be hard to feel confident.

02:08:08.000 Well, that's the whole point of the movie.

02:08:09.000 They have no direction in life.

02:08:11.000 They have no sense of purpose. 1.00

02:08:12.000 Now, most people go, fuck that. 1.00

02:08:13.000 I'd find a direction in life with a billion dollars. 1.00

02:08:15.000 But I don't know.

02:08:16.000 There is something about working, feeling like you have a...

02:08:19.000 Well, there's something about developing your personality.

02:08:21.000 I mean, you have to develop your personality.

02:08:23.000 Your character gets developed through adversity, overcoming adversity, lessons learned.

02:08:28.000 If there's no lessons learned, there's no wisdom.

02:08:30.000 If you haven't experienced anything difficult or pulled anything off, you're not going to have confidence.

02:08:34.000 You're not going to have the confidence you can do. 0.95

02:08:35.000 You might have some cocaine-fueled, ridiculous confidence. 1.00

02:08:38.000 You can be the fucking king of the world. 1.00

02:08:40.000 But it's not, you know, it's not reality. 1.00

02:08:43.000 Right.

02:08:44.000 I have a friend who has a friend.

02:08:46.000 I don't know the guy very well.

02:08:48.000 I've had conversations with him.

02:08:49.000 But he was a part of some insanely large family that has billions of dollars.

02:08:53.000 They own, like, half of, like, they have a stretch of buildings in Malibu on the beach.

02:09:00.000 Sweet.

02:09:00.000 Where they started buying up the neighbor's buildings because they didn't want anyone next to them.

02:09:04.000 So they would just, like, the neighbor was selling their house for $24 million and just snatched it up.

02:09:08.000 Jeez.

02:09:08.000 Just so they could have the neighbor's house, too.

02:09:10.000 They just own the houses around.

02:09:12.000 They have billions and billions of dollars.

02:09:13.000 He had a trust fund, burned through it.

02:09:15.000 Had a backup trust fund, burned through that.

02:09:18.000 How do you...

02:09:19.000 I don't even know how.

02:09:19.000 He's like, in his late 40s, he's just a disaster.

02:09:23.000 Degenerate disaster. 0.98

02:09:24.000 Disaster.

02:09:24.000 Yeah.

02:09:25.000 Just a disaster.

02:09:26.000 That's insane. 0.99

02:09:26.000 And everyone, you know, they would feel, you know, when are you going to get your shit together, sir? 0.99

02:09:30.000 You know, it's never going to happen. 1.00

02:09:32.000 This fucking guy. 1.00

02:09:33.000 And he was having a conversation with my friend, and he said, if whatever you do, because she has kids, he said, whatever you do, do not let your kids have money. 1.00

02:09:43.000 Don't give them any money.

02:09:44.000 Make them, like, he was acutely aware of his own failings because he was born to this billion, billion dollar empire.

02:09:51.000 Yeah, just had no confidence.

02:09:52.000 He's just not a man.

02:09:54.000 When you're around him, he's just got no confidence.

02:09:56.000 He's got nothing.

02:09:58.000 He didn't do anything.

02:09:59.000 No grit.

02:09:59.000 There's no grit.

02:10:00.000 He's never been a piece of shit to anybody. 0.99

02:10:02.000 And it's not to say that someone who's born in that same scenario couldn't have found... 0.99

02:10:07.000 You know, at painting or music or become, like, successful at something they do on their own or decided, you know, I'm not going to touch that money or I'm going to donate that money to charity.

02:10:16.000 I recognize the pitfalls of this scenario, so I want to be something different other than, you know, with this map that's sort of leading me to go into a certain direction.

02:10:25.000 Well, you could also...

02:10:25.000 It is possible.

02:10:26.000 Yeah, you could also...

02:10:28.000 I mean, we were originally talking about how hard it is to be poor, now we're talking about how hard it is to be rich. 0.98

02:10:32.000 It's much more ridiculous. 0.98

02:10:33.000 I would also say that, like, if you really fucking wanted a man up, like, then fucking go live for a year with, you know, $50,000 in a bank account and go live somewhere in the country and try to survive. 1.00

02:10:45.000 Like, fucking test yourself. 0.98

02:10:46.000 But that's not even real, though, because they know they can always go back at the end of this week. 1.00

02:10:49.000 Well, as soon as this year's up, I'm killing Vietnamese people. 1.00

02:10:52.000 I'm sure there are rich people who have found a way to fucking give back or do something in life besides feel bad about the fact that they can just do whatever the fuck they want. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Well, the fucking virgin guy, Richard Branson, famous for that. 0.99

02:11:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:06.000 I think he made all of his money himself. 1.00

02:11:09.000 Yeah.

02:11:09.000 When you made all your money yourself, it's a little different.

02:11:12.000 A lot different.

02:11:13.000 Yeah, Richard Branson.

02:11:14.000 But Richard Branson, Streeter Seidel is a really funny comic and writer.

02:11:17.000 He just got a job at SNL, but he did a thing on that show I worked on with Neil Brennan this summer where he was talking about Richard Branson is his favorite rich guy because he does all the things.

02:11:27.000 You said you would do if you were a rich guy when you were a kid.

02:11:30.000 Like, I'm in a hot air balloon around the world!

02:11:32.000 He's like, I'm going to build a spaceship!

02:11:35.000 You're like, okay, like Richard Franson. 0.99

02:11:37.000 Would you ride that fucking spaceship that's like 100 grand? 0.99

02:11:40.000 I would ride it like 10 years in. 0.99

02:11:43.000 Once I know it blew up a couple times and they fixed it. 1.00

02:11:47.000 Dude, the first time it blows up, that's going to be a tough sell for tickets after that, motherfucker. 0.99

02:11:52.000 It takes a hit. 1.00

02:11:53.000 If it blows up, it takes a hit.

02:11:54.000 But yeah, if it doesn't blow up, I would do it.

02:11:56.000 I just wouldn't want to be on the first mission.

02:11:59.000 Although the first mission may be the best one.

02:12:01.000 Maybe the only one.

02:12:02.000 The only one, yeah.

02:12:03.000 Well, what scares me more than that is the people that are willing to sign up to go to Mars.

02:12:06.000 There's more than 100,000 people that are willing to sign up for the one-way trip to Mars.

02:12:10.000 Yeah, but...

02:12:13.000 I would say on that list, though, if you started weeding out through those people, there's probably like 10 people you'd want to say.

02:12:20.000 At least.

02:12:21.000 You know what I mean?

02:12:22.000 100,000? 0.99

02:12:22.000 You know how many fucking drunk people are like, I'll do it. 0.99

02:12:25.000 I'll go to Mars. 1.00

02:12:26.000 I don't know.

02:12:27.000 I think you have to really look over the applicants, make sure that something, I mean, if a guy's a roofer and wants to go to Mars, go, hey bro, there's not going to be any roofs.

02:12:36.000 Well, we're going to need roofs.

02:12:38.000 We're going to need roofs.

02:12:39.000 I'm real good at working.

02:12:41.000 That's like another really funny thing.

02:12:45.000 This guy I used to work with told me about that movie Armageddon to bring it up again.

02:12:49.000 But the premise of that movie is it's easier to train oil drillers to be astronauts than it is to train astronauts to drill.

02:12:59.000 You know what I mean?

02:13:00.000 That's funny.

02:13:00.000 It's like, you know what we can do?

02:13:01.000 Why don't we just treat these astronauts with, you know, just teach them how to use a drill? 0.92

02:13:05.000 Nah.

02:13:05.000 Those movies have a special place in my heart, too, because that's where, like, Aerosmith started doing ballads.

02:13:10.000 Oh, that's fucking so funny. 0.99

02:13:11.000 That shit's so funny. 1.00

02:13:13.000 You guys were on back in the saddle again. 1.00

02:13:15.000 Like, what happened?

02:13:16.000 What is this?

02:13:17.000 I can't help it.

02:13:17.000 I'm back in the saddle again.

02:13:20.000 I know.

02:13:21.000 What happened?

02:13:22.000 I know.

02:13:22.000 They couldn't help it.

02:13:23.000 What's going on with this?

02:13:24.000 Why is this song making me develop estrogen?

02:13:28.000 I'll be there.

02:13:29.000 Yeah, all those!

02:13:31.000 There's a couple of those. 1.00

02:13:32.000 There's a few of those that just make you go, you guys were the shit. 1.00

02:13:37.000 Yeah, that happens. 1.00

02:13:38.000 Plus, I grew up in Boston, so Aerosmith was fucking everything. 0.96

02:13:42.000 I went to school in Boston.

02:13:44.000 Where'd you go?

02:13:45.000 They had a band that they used to pretend...

02:14:01.000 Wow.

02:14:02.000 Wow. 0.99

02:14:06.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.98

02:14:07.000 I never had the experience of seeing him. 0.98

02:14:09.000 I'm friends with Joe Perry.

02:14:11.000 Are you really?

02:14:11.000 I go back and forth with him.

02:14:12.000 I send text messages to Joe Perry.

02:14:13.000 That's very cool. 1.00

02:14:14.000 And I'm like, this is the craziest shit ever. 0.99

02:14:16.000 I once had the coolest thing. 1.00

02:14:16.000 About to text message Joe Perry. 1.00

02:14:18.000 That's fucking cool. 0.99

02:14:19.000 I once went... 0.99

02:14:20.000 Not as cool as that, but I once used to...

02:14:23.000 The Daily Show is a global edition, so I used to produce this, and I would go to Sony Music.

02:14:27.000 It was our edit base.

02:14:29.000 So tons of musicians would be recording albums.

02:14:31.000 And I mean like... 0.93

02:14:32.000 Jimmy Page, like, Robert Plant was singing there one day, like, all sorts of crazy shit, and I would hear it and whatever. 0.98

02:14:37.000 So one day I'm there doing this edit for the show, and I was like, you know, in this dark edit room, and I go to take a piss in the, just the Sony bathroom, and I hear like, and it's fucking Steven Tyler taking a, not, yeah, it's taking a piss in like green lizard pants, like leopard pants, 0.89

02:14:52.000 you know, whatever, like super tight, like flowy shirt, and I guess that he was warming up his voice, but it was so, you know, it's like the tile, it's a bathroom, so he's just leaning in the yard, like, And I was like, this is the coolest!

02:15:04.000 And I peed up next to him like, what's up, man?

02:15:07.000 That's so funny.

02:15:08.000 Yeah, that was like my big Aerosmith experience.

02:15:10.000 I was like, I heard Steven Tyler warming up his pipes in a urinal.

02:15:13.000 You know?

02:15:13.000 Yeah.

02:15:14.000 Really cool.

02:15:15.000 Wow. 0.98

02:15:15.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.98

02:15:16.000 It's so weird when you meet a guy. 0.98

02:15:18.000 I saw Paul McCartney one night at the improv.

02:15:20.000 I didn't get a chance to meet him, but just seeing him.

02:15:22.000 Did he see you do stand-up?

02:15:24.000 Yeah, he was in the audience.

02:15:25.000 It was nerve-wracking.

02:15:27.000 Our audience warm-up guy once didn't show up to The Daily Show or was late.

02:15:30.000 Awesome comic, great warm-up guy, but was late.

02:15:33.000 So every now and then I would do warm-up.

02:15:35.000 If it was an emergency situation, I'd just go out and do warm-up for the crowd.

02:15:38.000 And I did it one night when Springsteen was there in the crowd.

02:15:42.000 Oh my god.

02:15:42.000 And he was sitting off to my right with his son, Evan, who's a great dude I know, and a couple of Evan's buddies.

02:15:49.000 And he'd just put on a hat, sit in the crowd, love the show, super cool. 0.98

02:15:52.000 All the legends of Springsteen shit you hear. 0.99

02:15:54.000 So I do warm-up for the crowd. 0.98

02:15:57.000 And then afterwards, I saw him, you know, he was talking to John after the show, and I, like, went in to tell John something, like, I, like, made something up. 0.95

02:16:04.000 I was like, I have to tell John this thing, because I, like, wanted to fucking meet Springsteen. 0.76

02:16:08.000 Right. 0.96

02:16:08.000 And he's like, oh, right, man! 0.96

02:16:10.000 He's like, that was awesome!

02:16:10.000 I'm like, really?

02:16:11.000 You know?

02:16:13.000 So I always joke around with people.

02:16:14.000 I'm like, well, you know, Springsteen and I are mutual fans of each other.

02:16:17.000 I mean, he saw me yell at the lady in the fur coat, and I think he knows what I'm capable of, you know?

02:16:22.000 I mean, that was, to me, the coolest.

02:16:23.000 I really said it.

02:16:24.000 Like, if I died the next day, I told my family, I go, just so you know, if I happen to die soon, I'm cool.

02:16:30.000 You know what I mean?

02:16:31.000 Like, it was pretty cool, man.

02:16:32.000 I had to hear him laughing over my...

02:16:34.000 And he said something like, I thought you were going to come after us.

02:16:36.000 We're all wearing, like, you know, flannel shirts.

02:16:38.000 I'm like, I was just trying to pretend you weren't there, Mr. Springsteen.

02:16:40.000 Yeah.

02:16:42.000 No thanks, Mr. S. Very cool, though. 0.94

02:16:45.000 When you meet somebody who you like on that level, where you're like, holy shit, I listen to your music, and it's pretty exciting. 0.95

02:16:52.000 The biggest one for me ever was Gene Simmons came to see one of my shows. 0.89

02:16:55.000 Gene Simmons brought his family, his son and his wife. 0.99

02:16:57.000 That's cool as shit. 0.99

02:16:59.000 It was a New Year's show, too. 0.98

02:17:00.000 Did he come up and talk to you afterwards? 0.98

02:17:02.000 Yeah, dude, I was nervous as fuck. 0.92

02:17:03.000 I had to address it. 0.92

02:17:05.000 I was a huge Kiss fan when I was a kid.

02:17:08.000 I mean, huge.

02:17:08.000 It was everything.

02:17:10.000 Really?

02:17:10.000 I didn't even like other bands.

02:17:11.000 I just liked KISS. That's crazy.

02:17:12.000 From when I was like 11 years old.

02:17:14.000 I didn't like other music. 0.93

02:17:15.000 I was such a ridiculous KISS fan. 0.81

02:17:17.000 That's so funny. 0.99

02:17:18.000 Yeah, so that scared the shit out of me.

02:17:20.000 But Paul McCartney, for some reason, made me even more nervous.

02:17:24.000 Yeah, I find that working in entertainment, musicians and athletes are the two groups that I get really nervous around.

02:17:32.000 I mean, I'm sure, of course you have.

02:17:34.000 You work in the UFC, but it's like meeting a professional athlete.

02:17:39.000 And you see their physicality, especially when they're currently playing the game.

02:17:46.000 And you go, oh, so cool, dude.

02:17:49.000 Are you playing on Sunday?

02:17:53.000 I'm like a little kid, even though I'm older at this point than professional athletes, which is one of the harder things about watching sports for me now.

02:18:01.000 I remember in the Rangers playoffs, someone would get on the ice and be like, look at this 35-year-old who can still tie his skates.

02:18:07.000 You're like, Jesus Christ.

02:18:09.000 You know, they're like, can you believe old man knee buckles?

02:18:12.000 I'm like, I'm 37, man. 1.00

02:18:13.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:18:13.000 How old am I? Like, you know, I'm retired now as an athlete. 0.99

02:18:16.000 That's why it's weird when you see Bernard Hopkins.

02:18:18.000 Bernard Hopkins is 49 years old.

02:18:20.000 He's a light heavyweight champion of the world.

02:18:22.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

02:18:23.000 How the fuck? 1.00

02:18:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:24.000 And beating young guys. 1.00

02:18:26.000 I know.

02:18:26.000 Like, really good guys.

02:18:27.000 That's crazy.

02:18:28.000 Yeah, he's incredible.

02:18:29.000 But you know what I mean by that?

02:18:30.000 Yeah.

02:18:30.000 There's something about what they do that is so beyond my comprehension.

02:18:36.000 Yeah, can you imagine you'd be on the court with Michael Jordan as he's fucking slam dunking? 0.83

02:18:40.000 You'd see him leaping from the three-point line, flying through the air. 0.92

02:18:44.000 You'd be like, what?

02:18:45.000 What are you doing?

02:18:46.000 It was an honor to get dunked on by you, Mr. Jordan.

02:18:48.000 Just to be there.

02:18:48.000 I mean, I don't even mean playing against him.

02:18:50.000 I mean, standing there while he does it.

02:18:52.000 It's crazy.

02:18:53.000 Yeah, it's absolutely crazy.

02:18:54.000 Just to realize the different level of athleticism is that they're superhumans.

02:18:57.000 Yeah, I have that.

02:18:58.000 Like, if they gave you a pill, and all of a sudden you could do it with Michael Jordan, you'd be like, you've got a superhuman body, like you're Spider-Man or something.

02:19:04.000 I know.

02:19:05.000 I mean, that's the thing, too, is like, when people talk about, oh, comedy, like, why'd you want to do comedy? 0.98

02:19:09.000 I was like, I don't know, it was kind of funny growing up, and I was like, if I could make a living doing this, that'd be cool, but if I was good at baseball, fuck, dude, I'd... 0.98

02:19:15.000 Sure as hell wish I was. 0.97

02:19:17.000 You'd be the funny guy in the locker room.

02:19:18.000 No, I wouldn't even be the funny guy.

02:19:19.000 Maybe I would just be good at baseball.

02:19:21.000 In other words, that would be cool.

02:19:22.000 I would definitely want to do something like that if I was given any physical gifts whatsoever.

02:19:29.000 Did you play any sports growing up?

02:19:30.000 Yeah, I played soccer and stuff, but I was never...

02:19:32.000 I just never cared.

02:19:34.000 It was weird.

02:19:35.000 I was definitely the wise-ass.

02:19:37.000 I got in trouble a lot in high school on the soccer team. 1.00

02:19:39.000 My coach would be like, Albany, shut the fuck up! 0.99

02:19:42.000 You know? 1.00

02:19:43.000 And I would get a little bit of playing time if we were winning or something.

02:19:46.000 You know what I mean?

02:19:46.000 But I was good.

02:19:47.000 I don't know.

02:19:49.000 Sports just weren't something I loved to do.

02:19:51.000 I wasn't into them.

02:19:54.000 I liked watching them, I guess, but I was never a kid.

02:19:56.000 Did you kind of always know you wanted to be a comic?

02:19:58.000 Yeah, I always knew I wanted to be a comic.

02:19:59.000 At what year would you like?

02:20:01.000 Oh, I don't know.

02:20:02.000 It was just the kind of thing where, I don't know, I remember being a kid and being funny and just being in school.

02:20:06.000 And John Oliver and I used to talk about this all the time, because he and I were a month apart in age, and he grew up in England, but having these weird parallel life experiences across the pond from each other, where we were talking about being in school and a teacher Saying something that was a perfect setup for a joke.

02:20:26.000 And you knew if you yelled out the punchline, it would crush.

02:20:29.000 But you also knew you would get in trouble.

02:20:30.000 And it was like no doubt in your mind.

02:20:32.000 Like, I'm going with the punchline. 0.99

02:20:34.000 Fucking no decision to be made. 0.99

02:20:36.000 Yeah, go to the principal. 1.00

02:20:36.000 No matter. 1.00

02:20:37.000 That fucking killed me. 0.99

02:20:39.000 Do you remember like a great one? 0.99

02:20:40.000 From school? 0.99

02:20:41.000 Do you have one where you said something to a teacher and you're like, oh shit. 1.00

02:20:46.000 I'm trying to think. 1.00

02:20:47.000 I mean, I used to do stupid shit in Spanish class. 1.00

02:20:50.000 A teacher would call on me for the definition of a word and I would just... 1.00

02:20:57.000 You know, like, suck car. 0.99

02:20:58.000 I had one. 0.98

02:20:58.000 She called my mom about this, my Spanish teacher. 0.98

02:21:01.000 Suck car. 1.00

02:21:02.000 She was like, you know, go around the room and point and say a word. 0.99

02:21:04.000 We have to use it in a sentence.

02:21:05.000 She pointed at me. 1.00

02:21:06.000 She said, Rory, suck car. 1.00

02:21:07.000 And I was like, after school, I have suck car practice. 1.00

02:21:10.000 And it was like, cute laugh, fucking principal's office, you know? 1.00

02:21:14.000 Why would she send you to the principal's office? 0.99

02:21:16.000 I was like, where's that? 1.00

02:21:17.000 It was that kind of shit. 1.00

02:21:18.000 Whatever. 1.00

02:21:18.000 That's funny, man. 1.00

02:21:19.000 And then, like, a call home to my mom.

02:21:21.000 Like, he's disruptive.

02:21:22.000 And my mom being, you know.

02:21:23.000 But...

02:21:24.000 He was funny, but it's disruptive.

02:21:26.000 I have what could be construed as a racist one from high school.

02:21:29.000 What was that?

02:21:29.000 I had this black math teacher who was really aggressive.

02:21:32.000 In her defense, we were terrible students, and nobody was paying attention. 1.00

02:21:36.000 Yeah, I was a dick. 0.99

02:21:37.000 But she was aggressive with the way she would communicate. 0.99

02:21:41.000 It wasn't fun.

02:21:42.000 This is the example.

02:21:44.000 For whatever reason, she decided to...

02:21:47.000 She goes...

02:21:49.000 She was doing something on the board, explaining some problem.

02:21:52.000 And then I was talking.

02:21:54.000 And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these problems for the class?

02:22:00.000 And I said, would you like me to do both of those problems? 0.99

02:22:02.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:22:03.000 And she kicked me out for that. 1.00

02:22:05.000 But I go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:22:07.000 That is exactly how you said it.

02:22:09.000 Right.

02:22:10.000 But you said it.

02:22:10.000 What did I do wrong?

02:22:11.000 Yeah.

02:22:12.000 Let's explain.

02:22:13.000 What are you doing wrong?

02:22:14.000 You're a math teacher who doesn't speak English right.

02:22:16.000 Yeah.

02:22:16.000 And they kicked me out, and everyone was howling.

02:22:18.000 They were fucking howling. 0.99

02:22:20.000 That was the only laugh I got in all of high school. 1.00

02:22:22.000 Really?

02:22:23.000 That wasn't funny at all.

02:22:23.000 Huh.

02:22:24.000 But I was easily annoyed.

02:22:26.000 How'd you end up wanting to do comedy, though?

02:22:28.000 Because it's such like a self-loathing kind of an activity.

02:22:31.000 Yeah, it's a different path.

02:22:32.000 And you are an athlete.

02:22:33.000 You are good at athletics, you know?

02:22:34.000 Like, what...

02:22:35.000 Well, my fear came from a different place.

02:22:37.000 I mean, everybody has, like, a certain fear, you know, that, like, leads you into comedy.

02:22:41.000 There's always a bunch of factors.

02:22:43.000 Like, there's one, there's the being ignored as a child.

02:22:45.000 That's always a key factor.

02:22:46.000 And then the fear.

02:22:47.000 And for some comics, it's like the insecurity is what leads you to, like, it propels you to get past the fear of going on and doing public speaking and the whole idea behind it.

02:22:56.000 But my fear was, like, actual physical violence that I was involved in fighting from the time I was 15 to 21. So I was scared all the time.

02:23:05.000 Really?

02:23:05.000 I was always terrified.

02:23:07.000 Before I retired from competing, my life was a series of getting ramped up for competitions, getting through them, relaxing for a day or a couple hours, and then being terrified of the next one.

02:23:18.000 That's crazy.

02:23:19.000 So all that fear led me to have a gallows humor.

02:23:23.000 I was the guy that would be on a bus going to a tournament, and I would be cracking everybody up.

02:23:26.000 Right.

02:23:27.000 But it was just because I was terrified.

02:23:28.000 Right.

02:23:28.000 So that's how I got into it.

02:23:32.000 But I never was funny in high school. 1.00

02:23:33.000 I just had to say this because this chick was a cunt. 1.00

02:23:36.000 And this is the best part about it. 1.00

02:23:38.000 By the way, good call not saying that.

02:23:40.000 She goes, go ahead and laugh because Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life.

02:23:44.000 That's funny.

02:23:45.000 So you can't say that.

02:23:46.000 You're teaching a class.

02:23:46.000 You can't say you're going nowhere in life.

02:23:48.000 You're a shitty role model. 1.00

02:23:49.000 You're a shitty person to be instructing a class. 1.00

02:23:52.000 If you speak badly, and I mock you speaking badly, and you kick me out of the class, that's just saying that I got you. 0.99

02:24:00.000 I remember getting in trouble for stuff like that.

02:24:04.000 I had one where...

02:24:06.000 I used to wear a hat to school every day.

02:24:08.000 That was like a big thing when I was in- Baseball hat?

02:24:09.000 Yeah, like a baseball cap.

02:24:10.000 Not like a fedora like you thought you were Sinatra?

02:24:12.000 No.

02:24:12.000 God, no.

02:24:12.000 By the way, I wish I had the balls to wear in the fedora.

02:24:15.000 I had to wear what everyone else was wearing. 0.98

02:24:16.000 That's the nectar of the gods, baby!

02:24:17.000 Yeah, but remember like starter game hats? 0.95

02:24:19.000 That was like a big thing, and you'd like curl the shit out.

02:24:22.000 I still do it with my hats. 0.96

02:24:23.000 I curl them around so much.

02:24:25.000 Yeah, you got it.

02:24:26.000 But now everybody wears them flat.

02:24:27.000 I'm not that cool.

02:24:28.000 I'm not into flat.

02:24:28.000 I can't do flat.

02:24:29.000 It seems silly.

02:24:32.000 So one day, a friend of mine, this girl, this black girl at school, had a hair weave, you know, like she had hair weaved in, and she was playing with it, and like, I was talking or whatever, and I pulled one out. 0.98

02:24:42.000 I was just like, fuck around with her or whatever, and I had it, so she was laughing, so I put it under my hat and put my hat on. 0.94

02:24:47.000 So I had like Pais, like a Hasidic Jew. 0.99

02:24:50.000 And then I just walked around school.

02:24:52.000 You know, people thought it was funny. 0.99

02:24:53.000 Like I was the idiot wearing Pais out of my hat that was from like this girl's hair weave. 1.00

02:24:57.000 And she thought it was funny. 0.99

02:24:58.000 We all thought it was funny. 1.00

02:24:59.000 But then the fucking librarian at my school saw me and fucking... 1.00

02:25:04.000 Annihilated me. 1.00

02:25:04.000 Because she thought I was being racist, culturally, anti-Semitic. 1.00

02:25:10.000 She went on a list and I was like, I'm a Jew.

02:25:12.000 And the girl, she gave it to me.

02:25:14.000 Not only that.

02:25:15.000 I was just trying to be funny.

02:25:16.000 But those kind of things, I would get in trouble for. 0.98

02:25:19.000 But see, that's ridiculous. 0.92

02:25:20.000 You shouldn't get in trouble for that at all. 1.00

02:25:21.000 That's an asshole teacher. 1.00

02:25:22.000 Yeah, but that was the librarian. 1.00

02:25:23.000 But she wants to snuff all the fucking humor out of the world. 0.98

02:25:26.000 Yeah, and it's one of those things where you're like, oh yeah, I was just getting some laughs between class. 0.98

02:25:29.000 And I was like, no, I was like a big...

02:25:31.000 That was, again, like...

02:25:32.000 What were we talking about earlier?

02:25:33.000 About the oversensitivity of the world.

02:25:35.000 Yep.

02:25:35.000 And that it's a huge issue in universities now.

02:25:38.000 It's a gigantic issue.

02:25:39.000 It is.

02:25:39.000 It's unrealistic oversensitivity that's not based on intent.

02:25:42.000 It's based on demonizing words or ideas.

02:25:45.000 But there's also what's weird about it.

02:25:47.000 I think about this all the time.

02:25:48.000 It's like the left...

02:25:49.000 Everyone wants everyone to be the same.

02:25:51.000 Like, that's the goal, right?

02:25:53.000 Like, no. 0.62

02:25:53.000 It doesn't matter that he's black or that he's this. 0.62

02:25:55.000 It's like, we're all just people.

02:25:58.000 We're all just this.

02:25:59.000 But it's like, that's what...

02:26:00.000 When you start to homogenize things that way, that's what's starting to happen with corporations.

02:26:03.000 They're doing the same thing.

02:26:04.000 Where it's like, you go to a town.

02:26:06.000 There's no restaurants.

02:26:07.000 There's Applebee's.

02:26:08.000 And there's like...

02:26:09.000 We're making everything the same.

02:26:11.000 And there is a weird part of that where one thing that's nice about different cultures and hanging out with different people is that's why I love being a stand-up.

02:26:18.000 If I hang out with Latino comics, then they're ripping on me for being a white Jewish guy, and I'm ripping on them for being Latino. 0.92

02:26:25.000 I don't know, but it's never racist.

02:26:27.000 It's just like... 0.99

02:26:27.000 It's not racist to have fucking hair. 0.99

02:26:30.000 If you decide to put... 1.00

02:26:31.000 How can she get... 1.00

02:26:32.000 She can have a hair weave, but you can't have a hair weave? 1.00

02:26:34.000 What if you decided to wear your hair long?

02:26:36.000 And she said it was because I made pace out of it. 0.63

02:26:38.000 Like I was making fun of Jews. 0.96

02:26:40.000 And I was like, no, I am a Jew.

02:26:40.000 She's like, you're not that kind of Jew.

02:26:41.000 I was like, ah. 1.00

02:26:42.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:26:43.000 She's telling you what kind of Jew you can make fun of? 1.00

02:26:45.000 You know, look, when you're 17, you're just like, oh, whatever.

02:26:48.000 That's like if I started wearing a tank top with spaghetti stains on it.

02:26:51.000 They'd be like, you're not that kind of Italian. 1.00

02:26:53.000 Now I am.

02:26:55.000 You could pull off a spaghetti stain tank top. 1.00

02:26:56.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

02:26:57.000 You can't wear hair weaves. 1.00

02:26:59.000 I mean, look, dude, this is 20 years ago, so, you know, I don't know.

02:27:02.000 Look, I'll tell you right now, if it was now, it would be like on Fox News, you know?

02:27:05.000 Right.

02:27:06.000 Probably.

02:27:06.000 It would be like a national...

02:27:09.000 But, dude, you went to school, like, when it was... 1.00

02:27:10.000 Fuck, man, people used to get... 0.99

02:27:12.000 I'm older than you, though, and when I went to school, it was less of an issue. 1.00

02:27:16.000 But did you ever, like, you grew up in a time where, like, a coach would, like, slap you on the ass if you did a good job, like that kind of shit? 1.00

02:27:21.000 You can't do that. 1.00

02:27:22.000 You can't do any of that kind of stuff. 1.00

02:27:24.000 You can't fuck the kids. 1.00

02:27:24.000 That is the shame. 1.00

02:27:26.000 I used to blow so many teachers.

02:27:29.000 Yeah, there's a lot of things you can't do.

02:27:30.000 But you know what I mean, though?

02:27:31.000 Like, you know, like, there is a weird...

02:27:32.000 You never thought about it.

02:27:33.000 It was never, like, a...

02:27:34.000 Don't you think, though, that's, like, evidence of evolution?

02:27:37.000 Yeah, I do.

02:27:38.000 In some ways.

02:27:39.000 In some ways, I think that we're getting...

02:27:40.000 We get hung up.

02:27:41.000 I think people get hung up on...

02:27:44.000 As much as I think it's evidence of evolution, I think there's a lot of people.

02:27:47.000 Like you just said, you had someone on the show who believes Adam and Eve's a real story.

02:27:49.000 Yeah.

02:27:50.000 That's a problem.

02:27:52.000 And that's a big problem when we're talking about how do you solve these issues.

02:27:54.000 He's a nice guy, other than that.

02:27:55.000 Sure he is. 0.78

02:27:56.000 And not even a dumb guy, which is really weird. 0.91

02:27:58.000 But when you talk about solving issues, I think in this country particularly, we've run into... 0.83

02:28:03.000 Oh, man, how do we fix this?

02:28:04.000 And then you get the left going, well, we're going to give them all money.

02:28:06.000 And you're like, oh, slow down.

02:28:07.000 Let's not get carried away, but give them all the money.

02:28:10.000 Like, let's just figure out what, you know.

02:28:11.000 That's our very hotel.

02:28:12.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:28:13.000 Slow down, partner.

02:28:14.000 Exactly, yeah.

02:28:15.000 Hey, there, pump the brakes here. 1.00

02:28:16.000 Oh, pull in the money truck, put in the town.

02:28:19.000 Yeah, but then the other side, or the real extreme other side, the really religious side, Is like, not just, you know, kneel and whisper into your hands.

02:28:27.000 Like, that'll solve it.

02:28:28.000 You know what I mean?

02:28:28.000 And you're like, oh wait, that's not an idea.

02:28:30.000 That's just a make-believe thing.

02:28:31.000 Did you hear about the plane situation?

02:28:33.000 Where they were going to El Al, going to Israel? 1.00

02:28:35.000 Fuck, and they wouldn't sit next to women? 1.00

02:28:37.000 Yeah, these severe, super-orthodox... 1.00

02:28:39.000 I mean,

02:28:57.000 talk about, like...

02:28:58.000 The reality of religion, Judaism, Christianity. 0.98

02:29:02.000 They're all kooks. 1.00

02:29:04.000 They're all really abusive to women, man. 1.00

02:29:07.000 That stuff's pretty crazy. 0.98

02:29:08.000 Well, Islam and Judaism, they're ancient, man.

02:29:13.000 Not only ancient, but they're so...

02:29:16.000 And I don't know enough about this.

02:29:17.000 This is something I'm talking about wanting to write a bit that I've got to work on and find all the...

02:29:21.000 But there's a lot of stuff about them that are similar.

02:29:24.000 They don't eat pork.

02:29:25.000 One's called kosher. 0.61

02:29:26.000 One's called halal. 0.96

02:29:27.000 They both speak this ancient, guttural, desert language with these weird alphabets.

02:29:31.000 A lot of beards.

02:29:32.000 Cover up your women. 1.00

02:29:33.000 And you start going like, is there a chance that you guys are all...

02:29:37.000 You know, maybe the Quran.

02:29:39.000 I think there's five books and five books.

02:29:40.000 There's a lot.

02:29:41.000 And it's like, is there a chance that maybe one guy heard it wrong?

02:29:44.000 You know what I mean?

02:29:45.000 You're both telling the same story here.

02:29:47.000 Maybe you don't hate each other as much as you think you do.

02:29:50.000 Well, the crazy thing is they look alike.

02:29:52.000 Well, that's what I'm saying.

02:29:53.000 They look very similar.

02:29:54.000 But there is a component to that where you start to just go like... 0.98

02:29:58.000 Look, we've got to give everybody the proper respect, proper respect, proper respect, but I have a very difficult time accepting the fact that I fucking spent money to fly to Israel on a plane and there's a fucking dude standing next to me praying the entire flight. 0.98

02:30:11.000 11 hours. 0.99

02:30:12.000 Not okay with that! 1.00

02:30:13.000 This is not your fucking house, dude. 1.00

02:30:15.000 This is a public space. 1.00

02:30:16.000 Fuck off. 1.00

02:30:17.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:30:18.000 That's just not okay.

02:30:19.000 They paid for the flights.

02:30:22.000 They bought their tickets in advance.

02:30:24.000 They knew they weren't going to be sitting next to only men.

02:30:26.000 But it's like, there's another photo that I'll link on that article you're about to read that I saw the other day.

02:30:31.000 There's a guy wrapped in plastic.

02:30:33.000 A Jewish guy wrapped in a big thing of plastic, like a dry-cleaning bag. 0.90

02:30:37.000 There it is!

02:30:38.000 See him?

02:30:38.000 Because he can't be with women.

02:30:39.000 No, because he can't fly over a cemetery because he's a Kohane, which is the ancient Jewish tribe of, like... 0.99

02:30:58.000 Oh my god.

02:31:07.000 Really?

02:31:08.000 That's okay?

02:31:08.000 That's the loophole?

02:31:09.000 How about the loophole is like, hold your breath? 0.98

02:31:12.000 How do they have a fucking law about flying over cemeteries? 0.92

02:31:16.000 You can't go near a cemetery, so theoretically I guess if you can't... 0.99

02:31:19.000 30,000 feet is not far enough away?

02:31:21.000 Listen, hey look, and you would think you're so close to God in the clouds that you could just say to him, hey dude, is this cool?

02:31:28.000 But how is a plastic bag going to protect you but your clothes won't?

02:31:32.000 Well, look, a plastic.

02:31:34.000 That's so crazy.

02:31:34.000 That was my favorite part about it.

02:31:36.000 That's my favorite thing about religion.

02:31:38.000 I talk about my stand-up sometimes.

02:31:40.000 With Judaism, some of the ideas that were good ideas, like Judaism, they're trying to think, what is this religion? 0.85

02:31:46.000 What are we really trying to do?

02:31:47.000 What should be our thing? 1.00

02:31:48.000 And one guy's like, how about we cut baby penis tips off? 1.00

02:31:51.000 And they're like, that's a fucking great idea. 1.00

02:31:53.000 That's a home-run idea in this fucking religion. 1.00

02:31:56.000 It's bad. 1.00

02:31:57.000 Same thing with that.

02:31:58.000 Just wrap yourself in plastic. 1.00

02:32:00.000 Like, who's making that shit up? 1.00

02:32:01.000 Well, at least there's only one guy wrapping himself in plastic. 1.00

02:32:04.000 I bet everybody on that plane had their dick cut. 1.00

02:32:06.000 Probably 90% of them had their dick cut. 1.00

02:32:08.000 That's on the Jews, man. 1.00

02:32:09.000 That's on the Jews. 1.00

02:32:10.000 It's everybody now.

02:32:10.000 I mean, it's preposterous that they try to sell that as some sort of a medically necessary procedure.

02:32:15.000 It actually takes away all the sensitivity of your penis, is what it does. 0.99

02:32:17.000 Brian wants that. 1.00

02:32:19.000 He prefers that.

02:32:20.000 It's too sensitive now. 0.84

02:32:21.000 You want the foreskin back.

02:32:23.000 No, I would take some more off if I can. 0.86

02:32:25.000 Oh, you know what you should do?

02:32:26.000 You should just wear really rough underwear.

02:32:28.000 You're saying you're too sensitive.

02:32:30.000 I see your problem.

02:32:31.000 You should wear really rough underwear.

02:32:33.000 Like, get some hemp underwear.

02:32:35.000 That's funny.

02:32:36.000 Burlap. 0.78

02:32:37.000 Some canvas sacks.

02:32:38.000 Tidy burlaps.

02:32:39.000 Get some tidy burlaps.

02:32:40.000 Yeah, just make them out of a potato bag.

02:32:42.000 Nice and rough.

02:32:43.000 It just really chaves up your...

02:32:45.000 That's really funny. 1.00

02:32:46.000 ...like a fucking carpenter's hand. 1.00

02:32:47.000 Yeah, make a banana hammock out of, like, some fucking burlap sacks. 1.00

02:32:52.000 I mean, if you look at condoms, a lot of the condoms have lotion on it to help with the sensitivity so you last longer. 0.98

02:33:01.000 Is that really what they're trying to do, though?

02:33:03.000 Yeah.

02:33:03.000 I mean, don't they try to make it feel better?

02:33:05.000 That's exactly the opposite of what they do.

02:33:07.000 They claim extra sensitivity.

02:33:10.000 Condoms, that's the number one selling point, is that they're more sensitive.

02:33:13.000 That's why they have lambskin ones.

02:33:15.000 Not all of them, though. 1.00

02:33:16.000 Brian, I've never seen a condom that is designed to numb your dick up. 1.00

02:33:20.000 Is that real? 1.00

02:33:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:33:20.000 They got dick-numbing condoms now? 1.00

02:33:22.000 That's not the norm. 0.99

02:33:23.000 The norm is the opposite.

02:33:24.000 They have all different kinds.

02:33:26.000 Trojans has a four-pack that has four different kinds.

02:33:28.000 One that has ultra-sensitive, one that has numbing, one that has numbing.

02:33:32.000 I've never seen the numbing.

02:33:33.000 Pull up the numbing.

02:33:34.000 Just the condom itself kind of takes away all the...

02:33:36.000 You don't need the numbing.

02:33:38.000 The complaint that people have is that it's not sensitive enough.

02:33:41.000 That's the number one complaint about condoms. 1.00

02:33:43.000 It's not that you want to numb your dick up inside the condom. 1.00

02:33:46.000 Totally. 1.00

02:33:46.000 I've never even heard of that. 1.00

02:33:48.000 That's why I don't use them, man.

02:33:49.000 They just make me so mad.

02:33:50.000 They make you numb.

02:33:52.000 Comfortably numb.

02:33:54.000 I mean, I'm not saying that it doesn't exist, but I would be really shocked, and I think that's not the norm.

02:33:58.000 The norm is the opposite.

02:34:00.000 I'm sure it exists, just in the market of premature ejaculation.

02:34:05.000 Yeah, most people would want more sensitivity, though.

02:34:08.000 Yeah, with a condom, for sure.

02:34:09.000 One is a more common one is Durex Performance Condoms, which has a chemical inside it that's 5% benzocaine inside the condom, too.

02:34:22.000 So it doesn't decrease your partner's enjoyment, but it helps with the climax control.

02:34:29.000 Is that really what it does? 1.00

02:34:30.000 It numbs the tip of your dick? 1.00

02:34:32.000 Benzocaine is like, that's like a cousin of lidocaine, isn't it? 1.00

02:34:34.000 Which is a cousin of cocaine. 1.00

02:34:35.000 Shit. 1.00

02:34:37.000 Yeah, a lot of them have that kind of stuff. 1.00

02:34:39.000 A lot of them?

02:34:40.000 Really?

02:34:41.000 I can't imagine that that's common.

02:34:43.000 I mean, even if it's one or two that have it, I would imagine the vast majority are doing the sensitivity, like trying to make it more sensitive.

02:34:51.000 I actually read recently that magnums aren't really bigger, but they're marketed that way to make guys feel good about having to wear them.

02:34:57.000 They are bigger.

02:34:58.000 That's hilarious.

02:34:59.000 But I don't know.

02:34:59.000 I've read that they're like, they're not really as big as thick, so the guys will be like, yeah, dude, I went mad.

02:35:03.000 Isn't there an ultramagnum?

02:35:05.000 Yeah, that's for guys who actually have big bags.

02:35:07.000 Giant hogs. 1.00

02:35:08.000 Huge hogs. 1.00

02:35:09.000 Just ridiculous. 0.97

02:35:10.000 I can't even buy it. 0.96

02:35:11.000 They won't even let me buy it.

02:35:12.000 I can't even look at them at the store.

02:35:12.000 They go, come on, dude.

02:35:13.000 What are you doing?

02:35:14.000 You're playing games?

02:35:15.000 You're kidding.

02:35:15.000 You know, the old joke.

02:35:16.000 Don't waste your money.

02:35:17.000 There was one joke that everybody had. 1.00

02:35:19.000 God damn it. 0.98

02:35:20.000 It was one of those premises that everybody touched on about buying magnums and box rubber bands, please. 0.99

02:35:25.000 Oh, that's funny.

02:35:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:35:26.000 Stick their dick and then rubber band the bottom of it. 1.00

02:35:29.000 Tighten it up. 1.00

02:35:29.000 Cock ring it down at the base. 1.00

02:35:31.000 Yeah.

02:35:32.000 Yeah.

02:35:33.000 Another one's Trojan Extended Pleasure, which makes you numb.

02:35:37.000 One guy in the reviews on Amazon says, made me so numb I couldn't feel a thing. 0.99

02:35:42.000 Had to remove it and rinse off just to get feeling back to my penis. 0.99

02:35:46.000 Wow. 1.00

02:35:46.000 Great review. 1.00

02:35:47.000 How about that one poor dude that comes like 100 times a day?

02:35:51.000 Have you seen that guy?

02:35:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:35:52.000 He had a bulging disc.

02:35:54.000 He had a bulging disc in his back, and something happened, and he literally has a hundred orgasms a day. 0.92

02:36:00.000 This sounds a lot like an urban legend to me. 0.76

02:36:01.000 It does, man.

02:36:02.000 It lives up the street, I swear.

02:36:04.000 He's friends with my cousin.

02:36:05.000 He's friends with my cousin.

02:36:06.000 And there was a woman that had it, too. 1.00

02:36:07.000 He comes at funerals and shit. 1.00

02:36:09.000 Really? 0.99

02:36:10.000 Yeah, he broke down in tears when he was talking about it.

02:36:13.000 Jesus Christ.

02:36:13.000 It's such a bizarre...

02:36:14.000 And then he broke down in tears, and then the tear hit his cheeks, and he came.

02:36:17.000 He came.

02:36:17.000 Oh!

02:36:18.000 Tears make me cum. 0.98

02:36:19.000 A man who has a hundred orgasms a day breaks down in tears on This Morning, I guess that's a TV show, as he reveals that it's ruining his life. 0.95

02:36:27.000 So how did it happen?

02:36:29.000 He had some sort of a weird injury. 0.99

02:36:32.000 Look, this is a woman that has non-stop orgasms. 1.00

02:36:35.000 Too much of a good thing. 0.99

02:36:36.000 Wow.

02:36:37.000 Look at her.

02:36:38.000 She looks like a dude. 0.78

02:36:41.000 It's a dude.

02:36:42.000 Where's the gal? 1.00

02:36:43.000 She probably doesn't want everybody to see her face. 1.00

02:36:45.000 Yeah.

02:36:46.000 That's an odd...

02:36:48.000 Maybe it wouldn't be funny if this guy was trolling.

02:36:51.000 He's from Wisconsin.

02:36:52.000 He developed this persistent genital arousal syndrome, that's what they call it, in September of 2012 after slipping a disc in his back while getting out of a chair.

02:37:01.000 Jesus Christ.

02:37:01.000 Speaking on ITVs this morning, the father of two explains, it's completely changed everything I've ever done.

02:37:06.000 I can't do anything.

02:37:06.000 I can't get a job.

02:37:07.000 You have to understand that in America, 90% of jobs are service industry and nobody would ever put me in front of their customers, so working is pretty much out of the question. 0.89

02:37:16.000 So he's just cumming all the time?

02:37:17.000 I mean, that's what I'm saying. 0.98

02:37:19.000 How do you cum that much in a day? 0.97

02:37:21.000 I don't even understand. 0.98

02:37:21.000 Well, this guy's a weird-looking dude, man. 0.98

02:37:23.000 His fingers are all tattooed up.

02:37:25.000 He's got, like, across his finger, his knuckles are tattooed.

02:37:29.000 Yeah, I guess it's tough to get a job.

02:37:31.000 I always think when a guy does that, he's probably a little...

02:37:34.000 I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel! 1.00

02:37:38.000 Oh, shit, dude. 1.00

02:37:39.000 You know what? 1.00

02:37:39.000 We're going to keep looking. 1.00

02:37:40.000 Thank you.

02:37:41.000 You just come in my office, man.

02:37:43.000 I don't know if this is true, because a producer could come up to this guy and ask him a question, and he could get on a television show, and how much vetting do they do?

02:37:52.000 Do they follow him around?

02:37:53.000 That's what I mean.

02:37:53.000 You can't come a hundred times in a day.

02:37:56.000 Doesn't even make sense.

02:37:57.000 Yeah.

02:37:57.000 Sounds like he just wants a reality show.

02:37:59.000 It could be, right?

02:38:00.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:38:00.000 Despite suffering from a near constant erection, Mr. and Mrs. Decker rarely have sex. 0.97

02:38:05.000 Occasionally we will, but it's very frustrating for both of us.

02:38:08.000 I've tried reading about it, tried going to doctors, but no one can help me.

02:38:12.000 I don't know what I'm going to do.

02:38:13.000 I just want to get my old life back.

02:38:17.000 I just want to get back.

02:38:18.000 What is the medical explanation of how a slipped disc can cause that?

02:38:22.000 Psss! 1.00

02:38:25.000 Yeah, it seems odd to me. 0.98

02:38:42.000 The fear of suffering a public orgasm. 0.98

02:38:44.000 Through fear of suffering a public orgasm. 0.98

02:38:46.000 Wow. 0.70

02:38:47.000 With even...

02:38:48.000 Some even causing him to drop to the floor.

02:38:51.000 Imagine you're coming so hard you drop to the floor.

02:38:54.000 Can I? This is so ridiculous. 0.99

02:38:58.000 What do you mean? 0.99

02:38:59.000 It's just called coming, right guys?

02:39:00.000 He says there's different intensities.

02:39:04.000 He says, the ones that cause me to drop to the floor feel like all the muscles from my chest to my thighs have gone rock hard and everything just seizes up.

02:39:12.000 It hurts and it feels good at the same time.

02:39:14.000 And you have all these things running through your head as they happen.

02:39:16.000 You don't want to be around anyone and you don't want anyone to see it.

02:39:20.000 Jesus.

02:39:20.000 He explains.

02:39:21.000 He must nap a ton.

02:39:23.000 The guy's just coming all the time.

02:39:24.000 Joe, do you ever have real blue ball where it actually hurt?

02:39:27.000 No.

02:39:28.000 But I had a dog once that I brought to the hospital.

02:39:30.000 Because I thought he was really injured.

02:39:32.000 I thought something was wrong with him. 0.99

02:39:33.000 And he had blue balls? 0.99

02:39:34.000 Yeah. 0.91

02:39:34.000 So they cure that. 0.91

02:39:35.000 They just choke him off?

02:39:36.000 You remember Frank?

02:39:36.000 He was going down the stairs.

02:39:38.000 And as he was going down the stairs, he was...

02:39:43.000 Like, walking down the stairs, he was yiping.

02:39:45.000 And I was like, you okay, buddy?

02:39:46.000 Come on, what's the matter?

02:39:47.000 And I thought, like, he had broke his hip or something, and he was, like, in agony.

02:39:50.000 So I carried him.

02:39:51.000 I picked him up.

02:39:52.000 I put him in the car.

02:39:53.000 And I drove him to the vet.

02:39:55.000 And the vet checked him, and he was wagging his tail at the vet's office and walking around.

02:39:58.000 He seemed kind of normal.

02:40:00.000 And I was like, I don't know what happened.

02:40:01.000 He was going down hills, and he was in agony.

02:40:05.000 He was yiping. 0.99

02:40:06.000 And the vet checks his balls. 0.99

02:40:07.000 He goes, look at this. 0.99

02:40:08.000 So he had balls. 0.99

02:40:09.000 I was going to say, so he had balls. 1.00

02:40:11.000 He had his balls, but then in front of his balls, his dick had extra balls. 1.00

02:40:16.000 He had these swollen glands on his dick. 1.00

02:40:19.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:40:19.000 It was the weirdest shit ever. 1.00

02:40:20.000 It was like he had an extra set of balls on his dick. 1.00

02:40:23.000 So I go, what's going on? 1.00

02:40:24.000 He goes, there's a bitch in heat in your neighborhood. 1.00

02:40:27.000 That's an actual textual term. 1.00

02:40:29.000 It's called a bitch in heat. 1.00

02:40:31.000 And he goes, and he's freaking out. 0.99

02:40:33.000 I go, that's incredible.

02:40:34.000 Like, he's so horny that he's in pain. 0.92

02:40:36.000 That's crazy. 0.82

02:40:37.000 He goes, yeah.

02:40:37.000 He goes, it makes sense if he's going downstairs.

02:40:40.000 You're just the juggling of your balls going down the stairs. 0.99

02:40:42.000 And he's a pit bull. 1.00

02:40:43.000 Yeah.

02:40:44.000 So he was, I mean, he could take all kinds of pain.

02:40:46.000 So I can't imagine the ball pain this poor guy was in.

02:40:49.000 Dude, that's brutal.

02:40:50.000 You just said lines from a 2 Live Crew song.

02:40:52.000 What'd I say? 1.00

02:40:53.000 A bitch in heat, a freak without warning. 1.00

02:40:59.000 I actually had it once, and it was the first time I ever made out with that porn star. 1.00

02:41:03.000 The first porn star I ever dated.

02:41:04.000 And it hurt me for like hours. 0.59

02:41:06.000 Wow.

02:41:07.000 You know, there's a simple cure.

02:41:08.000 Yeah, you'll beat it off in the bathroom.

02:41:10.000 She won't give you nothing.

02:41:12.000 You didn't know that that was the cure?

02:41:14.000 I mean, it's well documented.

02:41:15.000 Just shut the door, lock it. 1.00

02:41:17.000 Just jerk off. 0.99

02:41:18.000 I meant literally from driving home from her house, my first time meeting her, I remember pulling over going... 0.99

02:41:24.000 Jesus Christ.

02:41:26.000 Wow.

02:41:26.000 I've never had that happen.

02:41:27.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:41:28.000 That's a hot bitch. 1.00

02:41:29.000 That's what happens. 1.00

02:41:30.000 See, now I use bitch in the wrong way. 1.00

02:41:32.000 You've got to be careful. 0.94

02:41:33.000 Well, you're doing it specifically to teach a lesson to the kids listening.

02:41:36.000 Yeah, for the kids.

02:41:37.000 The proper way.

02:41:37.000 For the kids.

02:41:38.000 Think about dogs.

02:41:39.000 Think about what they go through.

02:41:40.000 Don't let it happen to you.

02:41:41.000 You can handle things.

02:41:42.000 They can't do anything about it. 0.92

02:41:43.000 Remember, kids, if your dog is ever whimpering, first thing you should try to do is jerk it off. 0.53

02:41:47.000 I had a friend who used to jerk his dog off.

02:41:49.000 No, you didn't?

02:41:50.000 Yes, I did.

02:41:51.000 How is that even a thing?

02:41:52.000 He used to jerk his Rottweil off with his foot.

02:41:54.000 Why?

02:41:54.000 Well, he would say that the dog was in agony and he would help him out.

02:41:58.000 So he'd put his foot on the dog's dick and just rub it back and forth and the dog would squirt all over his stomach. 0.99

02:42:03.000 You're not like a Bob Barker fan of getting your dog neutered? 1.00

02:42:06.000 You're not into that?

02:42:07.000 Well, my dogs are neutered now.

02:42:09.000 I have two male dogs.

02:42:09.000 They're both neutered.

02:42:10.000 But I don't think it's necessary all the time.

02:42:13.000 I think that people are concerned about prostate cancer and certain things.

02:42:17.000 But my doctor, Dr. Craig, who's a veterinarian, he didn't believe in it.

02:42:22.000 He said, you don't need to.

02:42:23.000 He goes, it's irresponsible to let your dog breed with other dogs.

02:42:27.000 He goes, but the testosterone, like when a person has their testicles removed, men no longer produce testosterone.

02:42:33.000 They can get really depressed.

02:42:35.000 And he's like, your dog will have less energy.

02:42:37.000 He's like, it's just, is what's going to happen.

02:42:39.000 They will lose muscle, their body slims down, and they'll probably have less energy.

02:42:44.000 And he's like, it's not popular to say, he goes, but it's a physiological reality. 0.99

02:42:48.000 Yeah, it's definitely getting your balls cut off. 0.92

02:42:52.000 You know, there was a woman that, there's some really controversial experiments that were done with dolphins in the 1960s and the 70s, this guy John Lilly. 0.98

02:43:00.000 John Lilly is this famous psychedelic pioneer.

02:43:04.000 He's one of the guys that, he invented the isolation tank, actually.

02:43:06.000 And he was this guy who was working on interspecies communications with dolphins and he set up all these experiments.

02:43:14.000 And one of the experiments he set up, this woman lived with a dolphin.

02:43:18.000 And by lived with it, I mean the dolphin was in a tank of water.

02:43:20.000 The water was up to her waist.

02:43:22.000 And she lived with this dolphin.

02:43:24.000 She would walk around with the dolphin, and she would sleep there.

02:43:26.000 She would climb up on a bed, and she would sleep on a bed, but when she was working, when she was doing her...

02:43:32.000 She was in the water.

02:43:33.000 She was in the water, constantly with this dolphin. 0.95

02:43:36.000 And the dolphin would get really horny, so she would jerk off the dolphin. 0.99

02:43:39.000 And that was a big part of the controversy behind these experiments, because in her mind, she was like, look, he was young, he's male, and he was really distracted, and he couldn't concentrate on the work. 0.64

02:43:49.000 And the work was, they were trying to teach the dolphin to try to speak English.

02:43:52.000 And they were trying to teach it how to say human-type noises.

02:43:56.000 There's a...

02:43:57.000 That's crazy.

02:43:58.000 There's a Radiolab podcast about it.

02:44:01.000 I'm trying to figure out what the name of it was.

02:44:04.000 About dolphin masturbation?

02:44:04.000 About this very case.

02:44:05.000 About this very case.

02:44:06.000 It's incredibly fascinating.

02:44:08.000 And I had always known about Lily, because I think it's called Hello.

02:44:12.000 Yeah, it's called Hello.

02:44:13.000 It all is about the issues with intraspecies communication.

02:44:18.000 It's crazy.

02:44:19.000 They kind of understand the concept, but they can't make the noise because they have a blowhole.

02:44:23.000 But this lady was trying. 1.00

02:44:24.000 She was living with this thing for a long time, and she was jerking the dolphin off.

02:44:28.000 Between that and Lily was doing acid, and they cut off funding. 0.97

02:44:33.000 I respect the effort, but at the same time, the minute you're jerking off the dolphin.

02:44:40.000 How else does she do that? 1.00

02:44:41.000 Maybe you get another dolphin.

02:44:43.000 You don't have to live with the dolphin.

02:44:45.000 There's got to be a better way.

02:44:46.000 I think...

02:44:47.000 They were concerned. 0.99

02:44:49.000 I can't imagine that dolphin was fucking happy. 0.99

02:44:51.000 I can't imagine he was like, this is great, I'm living with a lady. 0.99

02:44:53.000 I don't know if he thought it was bad.

02:44:54.000 I mean, we have this big hang-up about sexuality, but imagine if you had an itch on your back and you couldn't reach it, and you were being taken care of by someone and they scratched your back for you.

02:45:03.000 Like, oh, thank you.

02:45:04.000 No, I just mean, I would always lean towards, like, if I could put the dolphin.

02:45:07.000 Yeah, I mean, I'm more of a don't-jerk-an-animal-off kind of a guy.

02:45:10.000 But I just mean, my point is, well then maybe get a better facility to keep the dolphin in, get a couple of dolphins, let them live, put them in a, I don't know. 0.99

02:45:18.000 I mean, you know, anytime you have an animal in captivity, it's pretty fucked up, but I don't know that jerking them off is the right way to do it. 0.98

02:45:23.000 If you had to choose one, which one would you do? 0.99

02:45:25.000 Which what? 0.99

02:45:26.000 If you had to choose an animal to jerk off, which is it? 0.99

02:45:28.000 You know, a lot of people ask me this question. 0.99

02:45:31.000 I would not do it with a monkey, because if you do it wrong, they'd bite you.

02:45:35.000 I think doing it with a monkey would be a little bit too much like just doing it with a dude. 0.99

02:45:38.000 If you're really rough and you're joking off a monkey and they just fucking sunk their teeth in your thumb. 0.99

02:45:44.000 They don't like how you're working their balls. 0.99

02:45:45.000 No, I'd go exotic. 0.99

02:45:46.000 I'd go like giraffe.

02:45:47.000 Because it's tall, you can stand, you know. 1.00

02:45:50.000 But they might come and kick you in the head and you die. 0.99

02:45:52.000 They might. 1.00

02:45:52.000 Look, there's always a risk. 1.00

02:45:54.000 There's always a risk when my boy was free.

02:45:56.000 My boy was free.

02:45:56.000 He was the executive producer of the Daily Show.

02:45:59.000 No one said it was an easy job, Joe.

02:46:02.000 Successful stand-up comedian. 0.98

02:46:03.000 He died jerking off a donkey. 0.97

02:46:05.000 I think it's a terrible way to go.

02:46:07.000 I would do Kuala Bear because they're so cute. 0.96

02:46:09.000 Do you know they rape a lot? 0.97

02:46:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:46:12.000 Really? 0.99

02:46:12.000 Kuala Bears are famous for raping each other. 0.99

02:46:14.000 Well, there you go. 1.00

02:46:14.000 They're vicious. 1.00

02:46:15.000 When they fuck, they bite and... 1.00

02:46:16.000 Really? 1.00

02:46:17.000 Fucking, yeah. 1.00

02:46:18.000 Get crazy. 1.00

02:46:19.000 Yeah.

02:46:19.000 I did not know that.

02:46:20.000 Yeah, you don't want to jerk off koalas. 0.99

02:46:22.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

02:46:23.000 Don't bite you. 1.00

02:46:24.000 Don't bite the shit out of you. 1.00

02:46:25.000 I'm going to need to sleep on this. 1.00

02:46:27.000 I'll let you guys know.

02:46:28.000 Yeah, let's put this to a test. 0.97

02:46:31.000 I mean, what she did was ridiculous, but only ridiculous by our cultural standards. 0.95

02:46:35.000 If you think about it biologically, the real issue biologically is you're right. 0.97

02:46:39.000 You shouldn't have a dolphin in captivity like that.

02:46:40.000 Yeah, that's all.

02:46:41.000 But in the podcast, they sort of document why they did it, because it's really hard to communicate with dolphins in the wild.

02:46:47.000 Yeah.

02:46:47.000 I did this thing in Hawaii recently, where we went swimming with the dolphins.

02:46:51.000 Yeah, I've done that.

02:46:52.000 I had my four-year-old with me, too, and she was in the water, like, right next to me.

02:46:55.000 Literally, I was holding onto her while we were swimming, and she's got the scuba mask on and shit, and she's, you know, snorkeling, looking down while the dolphins swim underneath it.

02:47:03.000 It's amazing. 0.89

02:47:03.000 Yeah. 0.89

02:47:04.000 It's amazing.

02:47:05.000 And they're wild.

02:47:06.000 These are not like SeaWorld dolphins.

02:47:07.000 They're not like SeaWorld dolphins.

02:47:08.000 And they'll sonar you, like... 0.99

02:47:10.000 It's fucking cool as hell. 0.99

02:47:12.000 And they'll get near you and they'll make weird noises and shit. 1.00

02:47:15.000 I like that the lady, every time they talk, according to my calculations, he's saying, jerk me off! 1.00

02:47:22.000 I'm just listening to him. 0.97

02:47:23.000 I mean, we don't know that for sure.

02:47:25.000 Trust me, I speak dolphin. 0.99

02:47:26.000 He wants to be jerked off. 1.00

02:47:28.000 It was apparently humping her leg. 1.00

02:47:30.000 It was humping her leg.

02:47:31.000 That's weird.

02:47:32.000 It was like...

02:47:32.000 So just reach down there, give him a handy, and then back to work.

02:47:37.000 Back to school.

02:47:38.000 The dolphin was never going to be able to speak human.

02:47:40.000 I think it would probably be easier for a person to learn how to speak dolphin.

02:47:43.000 For sure.

02:47:43.000 We can vary.

02:47:44.000 They have a blowhole, man. 1.00

02:47:45.000 They're not making much sound out of that fucking thing. 1.00

02:47:48.000 I also think at some point, you know, there's no real need to speak dolphin. 0.99

02:47:53.000 That's a very good point.

02:47:54.000 You know what I mean?

02:47:55.000 I mean, in other words, we know they can communicate with each other, and that's fine.

02:47:58.000 We could use them as weapons, though.

02:48:00.000 Well, obviously.

02:48:01.000 Well, they already have.

02:48:02.000 The Navy's done that a long time ago.

02:48:04.000 They did.

02:48:04.000 The Navy did something with dolphins.

02:48:06.000 Put bombs on them and taught them how to go to their fucking ships. 1.00

02:48:08.000 Yeah, or to blow up mines or something. 1.00

02:48:11.000 They didn't use them for anything good.

02:48:12.000 How crazy is that, man?

02:48:14.000 Yeah.

02:48:14.000 They're really smart, too.

02:48:16.000 Yeah, they're really smart.

02:48:17.000 This is a dark thing that we do when we keep dolphins in captivity.

02:48:20.000 If we were mermen, that would be man's best friend.

02:48:23.000 You know what I mean?

02:48:23.000 Like, if we lived in the ocean, that'd be dog.

02:48:26.000 We'd all have dolphins.

02:48:27.000 Imagine if they looked like people, but with tails, but they were all the same color as a dolphin, and they did breathe air, so they came out for air, but we didn't understand them, because they spoke like dolphins.

02:48:36.000 Would we be comfortable, if they lived the exact same life, would we be comfortable with them in captivity then?

02:48:41.000 No, of course not. 0.99

02:48:42.000 But imagine if they looked like fucking Triton. 1.00

02:48:44.000 With blue skin and a fucking beard. 1.00

02:48:46.000 And they had arms and shit and a human face. 1.00

02:48:49.000 But they would talk like... 1.00

02:48:51.000 Fuck the shit out of them. 1.00

02:48:52.000 And they lived... 1.00

02:48:53.000 But they didn't have...

02:48:54.000 I don't think...

02:48:54.000 Probably might be a way to work around it.

02:48:57.000 But I don't think it'd be that easy.

02:48:59.000 I'm literally getting a call from the Sci-Fi Network here.

02:49:03.000 They want to do it.

02:49:04.000 They said yes.

02:49:05.000 I mean, what if it looked a little bit more like a person?

02:49:09.000 Yeah.

02:49:09.000 Like it had a mouth and a nose and ears.

02:49:11.000 We have apes in captivity with no issue.

02:49:13.000 That's true.

02:49:13.000 Very good point.

02:49:13.000 We have fucking apes, you know, doing all sorts of horrible shit.

02:49:16.000 Don't you think that's because we've had them for the longest time? 1.00

02:49:19.000 Yes.

02:49:19.000 Did you not used to have a black guy in the Bronx Zoo?

02:49:22.000 What's that saying?

02:49:23.000 They had a black guy in the zoo.

02:49:24.000 What?

02:49:25.000 In the Bronx Zoo.

02:49:25.000 Yes, they had an African for a short period of time in the Bronx Zoo.

02:49:29.000 When was that?

02:49:30.000 I think it was like the early 1900s.

02:49:32.000 Jesus Christ.

02:49:33.000 Yeah, African man. 0.84

02:49:35.000 When you learn things like this, it makes you... 0.88

02:49:37.000 Please do not feed the African. 1.00

02:49:39.000 Yeah, it was crazy shit, man. 1.00

02:49:41.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:49:42.000 His name was Otabenga.

02:49:45.000 He was a pygmy.

02:49:46.000 Wow.

02:49:47.000 And he was...

02:49:48.000 Wow.

02:49:49.000 Wow.

02:49:50.000 This is really crazy.

02:49:52.000 He was known for being featured in an anthropological exhibit in the Louisiana Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri in 1904 and in a controversial human zoo exhibit in 1906 in the Bronx Zoo.

02:50:09.000 He had been freed from an African slave trader by the explorer Samuel Phillips Varner, a businessman.

02:50:15.000 You're free!

02:50:15.000 Now get into this zoo cage!

02:50:17.000 Yeah, he traveled with this guy to the United States.

02:50:20.000 Jesus Christ, 1906 too.

02:50:22.000 That's just not that long ago.

02:50:23.000 Yeah.

02:50:23.000 At the Bronx Zoo, he was exhibited in the zoo's monkey house.

02:50:28.000 Wow.

02:50:29.000 Whoa.

02:50:30.000 I mean, to be fair.

02:50:32.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:50:33.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:50:35.000 Well, they would file their teeth down. 0.99

02:50:37.000 That's like a part of their culture in a lot of those.

02:50:39.000 That is scary.

02:50:40.000 It's crazy.

02:50:40.000 Well, that's not that long ago, man.

02:50:42.000 That's a hundred and eight years or something. 0.99

02:50:45.000 Yeah, that's fucking nuts. 0.99

02:50:46.000 That's scary. 1.00

02:50:47.000 People are weird.

02:50:49.000 Yeah.

02:50:49.000 That's going to be like another hundred years.

02:50:51.000 People are like, you ever met that lady who jerked off the dolphin? 0.99

02:50:53.000 Can you believe they let that happen?

02:50:55.000 It's just weird when you see these sort of things that happened not that long ago, and we looked at it as, is that baby in a zoo?

02:51:03.000 Yeah, African girl in human zoo. 1.00

02:51:04.000 Oh my god.

02:51:05.000 What year is that?

02:51:07.000 I'll find out. 1.00

02:51:08.000 That is fucking cranky as shit. 1.00

02:51:11.000 It says, throughout the late 19th century and well into the 1950s, Africans, in some cases Native Americans, were kept as exhibits in zoos. 1.00

02:51:20.000 So up to late as 1950s.

02:51:22.000 That's insane.

02:51:24.000 Well, you know, we were talking earlier about the evidence of evolution, or we should probably say progress.

02:51:29.000 They hate it when we say evolution.

02:51:30.000 You talk about human progress, like thinking.

02:51:33.000 It's not really evolution.

02:51:34.000 Evolutionary is a biological term.

02:51:36.000 But human progress, there's pretty clear evidence that something's going on.

02:51:41.000 And in this abandonment of retard and these words that we don't want to let go... 0.90

02:51:46.000 Ultimately, it seems to kind of be moving in a better direction. 0.98

02:51:49.000 Yeah, I would say that anytime you're resistant to that stuff, it's a natural impulse to like, fuck that, I'm not changing. 0.58

02:51:55.000 But then the reality is you're always kind of on the wrong side of history. 0.97

02:51:58.000 If you don't at some point go, I actually understand that there's a group of people who associate themselves with this term and it makes them feel like shit if I say it.

02:52:07.000 And, you know, there's going to be ones that I give in on and ones I probably don't.

02:52:10.000 And as I, you know, become more mature, I try my best.

02:52:13.000 You know, like, I get it.

02:52:14.000 If you have a kid with Down syndrome, you don't want to hear me call something retarded.

02:52:17.000 I totally get it.

02:52:18.000 Yeah.

02:52:19.000 Totally. 0.97

02:52:20.000 You know, like, the word fag is a word that I used to say.

02:52:22.000 Like, I didn't think it meant anything, but I don't ever... 0.88

02:52:24.000 I would call it the F word now.

02:52:25.000 I really do.

02:52:26.000 In fact, I just said it now, and I realized...

02:52:28.000 You did say it.

02:52:29.000 It's been a long time.

02:52:30.000 It's over.

02:52:30.000 God, it felt so good.

02:52:31.000 I dropped an N-bomb earlier.

02:52:33.000 Yeah, you did.

02:52:34.000 Dude, thank you very much, man.

02:52:36.000 This was a fun podcast.

02:52:37.000 Yeah, I had a blast with you guys.

02:52:38.000 Thank you so much, man.

02:52:38.000 I really appreciate it.

02:52:39.000 Big fan of this.

02:52:40.000 This was extremely fun for me and cool for me to do.

02:52:42.000 Oh, it was fun for us, too, man. 0.98

02:52:44.000 You're fucking hilarious. 0.94

02:52:45.000 Anytime you want to come back on, man. 0.98

02:52:46.000 I appreciate it.

02:52:47.000 Where can people see you?

02:52:50.000 I'm going to be at the Stress Factory.

02:52:52.000 Awesome club.

02:52:53.000 Yeah, I love that club.

02:52:53.000 In October 17th and 18th.

02:52:55.000 That's New Jersey.

02:52:56.000 Yeah, in New Brunswick.

02:52:58.000 And then I'm going to be working on this new show for Comedy Central for a little while, doing gigs around Manhattan.

02:53:03.000 But my last kind of headlining gig is at the Stress Factory for a little while.

02:53:07.000 And this show is the Neil Brennan show?

02:53:09.000 No, it's the one with Larry Wilmore.

02:53:10.000 It's the one taking over for Colbert.

02:53:12.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:53:13.000 It's called Minority Report.

02:53:14.000 Awesome.

02:53:15.000 And when does that start?

02:53:16.000 It starts January 19th.

02:53:18.000 That's when it's on TV? Yeah.

02:53:19.000 It's going to be a totally cool, different show.

02:53:21.000 Well, let us know.

02:53:22.000 We'd be happy to tweet that and promote that.

02:53:24.000 You guys are the best.

02:53:25.000 Thank you.

02:53:25.000 The Twitter is Rory Albanese.

02:53:27.000 A-L-B-A-N-E-S-E. R-O-Y. And come out to the Stress Factory, man. 1.00

02:53:34.000 It'll be fun.

02:53:35.000 Thank you guys again.

02:53:36.000 Rory.

02:53:37.000 Rory Albanese.

02:53:38.000 R-O-R-Y. Albanese. 0.99

02:53:39.000 I like how you use the dollar sign of your name, too, brother.

02:53:41.000 Well, you know, that's how I just work.

02:53:43.000 Come see me at the Stress Factory.

02:53:44.000 Hilarious stand-up comedian.

02:53:45.000 Alright, thank you, everybody.

02:53:46.000 We'll see you soon.

02:53:47.000 Big kiss.

02:54:02.000 Yeah.

02:54:02.000 Like, it's not, it's not like, so you like pizza, you know, and you're like, you know, it's like, it's just, you just talk.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 29, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #555 - Rory Albanese

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