The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #619 - Bryan Callen & Brendan Schaub

00:00:02.000 Are we live?

00:00:03.000 Boom.

00:00:04.000 Beautiful. 1.00

00:00:04.000 We don't need no fucking stinking music. 1.00

00:00:06.000 We don't need it, man. 1.00

00:00:08.000 We got us.

00:00:09.000 Yeah.

00:00:10.000 We were just discussing referees letting guys get choked unconscious.

00:00:13.000 So we need you to educate that dude from this previous weekend.

00:00:16.000 Yeah, I think some guys have never been choked out.

00:00:19.000 I think that's one thing.

00:00:20.000 Even if you don't have a martial arts background, you can be a referee.

00:00:25.000 You're aware of that, right?

00:00:26.000 You can be.

00:00:26.000 Yes, you can be a referee.

00:00:28.000 All you have to do is understand what's going on.

00:00:30.000 You take referee classes and you learn.

00:00:32.000 You can start out taking referee classes as a complete, total novice.

00:00:38.000 I think as a ref, you should have at least been choked out once and been knocked out once.

00:00:44.000 I mean, Herb Dean had a pro fight, I think.

00:00:46.000 Oh, he had several pro fights.

00:00:47.000 Yeah, a couple.

00:00:48.000 And Herb Dean rolls all the time.

00:00:50.000 Herb Dean's a real martial artist.

00:00:51.000 So is Mario...

00:00:52.000 Yamasaki's a black belt. 0.95

00:00:54.000 So is John McCarthy.

00:00:55.000 He's a black belt in jiu-jitsu.

00:00:57.000 All those guys that we think.

00:00:59.000 So is Josh, who's in jail right now.

00:01:03.000 Josh is out.

00:01:04.000 He's out.

00:01:05.000 Pretty sure he's out.

00:01:06.000 Josh has a very high level brown belt.

00:01:08.000 Even if you're a one-stripe white belt, you know what the hell's going on. 0.77

00:01:12.000 A little bit.

00:01:13.000 What are you doing?

00:01:13.000 Especially on a rear naked choke.

00:01:15.000 It's not like it was a dars or something hidden you can't see.

00:01:18.000 Well, he was face up, too.

00:01:20.000 It was a rear naked face up.

00:01:22.000 So it wasn't like, you know...

00:01:23.000 Like, sometimes guys get choked out, and the guy's on top of them, and they have their back, and they got their belly down, and you can't see the guy's face.

00:01:29.000 But when the guy's face up, and you're looking at his eyes behind his head...

00:01:33.000 What are you doing?

00:01:34.000 Yeah, he cues out for a couple seconds.

00:01:36.000 You know, sometimes people just don't make good decisions.

00:01:40.000 You know, they just...

00:01:40.000 They err.

00:01:41.000 It's not that they're bad people.

00:01:43.000 It's just they err.

00:01:44.000 It doesn't work.

00:01:45.000 And in that case... 0.98

00:01:46.000 Look, if I fuck up... 0.97

00:01:48.000 It's not good because a bunch of people are listening. 0.95

00:01:51.000 They want the show to be smooth and entertaining. 0.93

00:01:53.000 But if I fuck up, it's not that big a deal. 0.98

00:01:54.000 No one's getting hurt. 1.00

00:01:55.000 If this guy fucks up, someone's going to get choked to sleep that wouldn't get choked to sleep or someone's going to get beaten a few extra times. 0.97

00:02:02.000 Which can make a huge difference. 0.99

00:02:04.000 The beatings for sure.

00:02:06.000 Well, good thing it was in a joint manipulation submission because then you're talking about someone's arm being broken instead of just getting choked out.

00:02:12.000 Well, in that situation, though, don't you let the guy fight out of it?

00:02:15.000 Like, I let a guy fight out of a full arm bar.

00:02:17.000 Because the way I would feel is that if his arm pops, that's on him.

00:02:21.000 And guys have gotten their arms popped in one fight to four. 0.99

00:02:24.000 Jon Jones got his fucking arm popped against Vitor. 0.99

00:02:27.000 Did he really? 0.99

00:02:28.000 Yes, he did. 1.00

00:02:29.000 Fuck yeah, he did. 1.00

00:02:30.000 He got his arm completely hyperextended. 1.00

00:02:32.000 Yeah, but then Vitor's whole body...

00:02:34.000 Dude, it was bad.

00:02:36.000 There's probably, well, if we play the video, there might be a picture of it, you can find an image of it, but at full extension.

00:02:43.000 It was completely hyperextended the other way.

00:02:46.000 And John's elbow was fucked up for a long time after that, because I remember he had to coach the ultimate fighter, and that's one of the things they said, like, well, this is good anyway, because he can't really train right now, because his elbow's fucked up from the Vitor fight. 0.69

00:02:59.000 So he went and tapped.

00:03:00.000 That's probably the closest he's been to losing, huh?

00:03:02.000 Besides the decision with Alexander, but that's definitely the closest.

00:03:06.000 Most trouble he's been in.

00:03:07.000 For sure, for sure.

00:03:09.000 That was a bad, bad, bad, bad spot. 0.99

00:03:11.000 Vitor's a nasty dude.

00:03:12.000 You know, a lot of people are taking him for granted versus Weidman because of the whole TRT thing. 1.00

00:03:17.000 I don't fucking buy it, man. 0.99

00:03:19.000 I don't buy it for a second. 0.99

00:03:19.000 He looks good in his pictures. 0.99

00:03:20.000 He looks way better than he used to.

00:03:22.000 Like, there was a period after he got off TRT where he deflated.

00:03:25.000 When we saw him at the Zwaynes, he looked like a straight... 0.99

00:03:29.000 Welter weight.

00:03:30.000 Yeah, but it looks he looks a lot thicker now.

00:03:32.000 Yeah, he looks way better.

00:03:33.000 So I know he's been doing a lot of They say that the way you have to jump start your system one of the big ways you do a lot of compound exercises like cleans and presses Because it forces your body to produce as testosterone and estrogen Yeah, yeah big big things like he was doing searcher squats Which is where you know you like it's almost like you do you put your hands together like you and make your arms like you're curling you put the bar and You hang it from your arms and you do your squats like that.

00:04:01.000 They're tough, man, on your core?

00:04:02.000 Yes.

00:04:03.000 Yeah, I do them too. 1.00

00:04:04.000 So he's doing all that kind of crazy shit. 1.00

00:04:06.000 I don't. 0.99

00:04:07.000 So, you know, I'm hoping this is how it, uh, how he, this is one example of it.

00:04:11.000 But this gives you an idea how strong Jones is.

00:04:14.000 He's just so weird strong.

00:04:15.000 He's ridiculously strong.

00:04:17.000 Right.

00:04:17.000 But Vitor caught it at a perfect spot.

00:04:19.000 You know, he might have been able to win the fight if he didn't let up on it, but I think he let up on it when it popped.

00:04:26.000 He said he let up on it, and I believe him. 0.99

00:04:29.000 And then he got submitted.

00:04:30.000 Yep, he got Kimura'd. 0.98

00:04:32.000 John Kimura'd him. 0.99

00:04:33.000 I mean, after his arm got all fucked up. 0.92

00:04:34.000 So his right arm's all blown out, and he still uses it to Kimura him later on in the fight. 0.97

00:04:40.000 And then he's fucked up for a while after that fight. 0.85

00:04:43.000 That was one of the reasons why he coached The Ultimate Fighter. 0.99

00:04:47.000 Right there.

00:04:48.000 Well, Chael said he just wasn't training.

00:04:51.000 He'd walk by and Chael would be training twice a day, all full of sweat, and John would walk by crisp as clean, just nice and showered.

00:04:56.000 He's like, what is he training?

00:04:57.000 Maybe he wasn't.

00:04:58.000 He wasn't.

00:04:59.000 Yeah, Chael said that's when he realized that he's just not as good as John.

00:05:04.000 He said he got in there.

00:05:05.000 Yeah, he said 30 seconds in, he goes, I wanted to get out of that ring so fast.

00:05:09.000 He goes, I just couldn't believe how strong he was.

00:05:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:11.000 John Jones is no goddamn joke. 0.99

00:05:13.000 No. 0.97

00:05:13.000 Now think about him and then think about what Anthony Rumble Johnson versus him is going to be like. 0.97

00:05:19.000 Like that's going to be the most chaotic goddamn fight. 0.99

00:05:22.000 Insane. 0.99

00:05:23.000 That's my number one fight all time.

00:05:25.000 Really?

00:05:25.000 All time?

00:05:26.000 Yep.

00:05:26.000 Dang.

00:05:27.000 That really escalated.

00:05:28.000 You think why?

00:05:29.000 Because he's got such knockout power and if John makes a mistake?

00:05:31.000 Uh-huh.

00:05:32.000 And because I've been thinking about it.

00:05:34.000 I've been thinking about all the great matchups.

00:05:35.000 There's been some great matchups, you know, for sure.

00:05:39.000 Like BJ Penn versus George St. Pierre when it first happened. 0.98

00:05:42.000 God damn, that was a big build-up. 0.99

00:05:44.000 Big matchup. 1.00

00:05:45.000 Chuck Liddell vs. 0.57

00:05:46.000 Tito.

00:05:47.000 But those, I had a pretty good sense of what was going to happen.

00:05:50.000 I had a pretty good sense that GSP was too big.

00:05:53.000 I think GSP was too big.

00:05:54.000 He was too hot.

00:05:55.000 His wrestling was too good.

00:05:56.000 And I knew that BJ just didn't...

00:05:58.000 That was before the Marinovichs.

00:06:00.000 He didn't have that work ethic that he had.

00:06:01.000 For a very short period of time, when BJ was in just insane shape, like the Sean Shirk fight, he was in insane shape.

00:06:07.000 That was actually before that.

00:06:08.000 But he was in insane shape for that fight.

00:06:10.000 The Diego Sanchez fight, he was a destroyer.

00:06:12.000 Kenny Floyd, yeah.

00:06:14.000 Who else?

00:06:14.000 There was a couple other fights that he had.

00:06:16.000 One, he was in the best shape ever as a lightweight.

00:06:20.000 You know, but when he fought George, I was like, George is just too big.

00:06:24.000 This is just not the right fight.

00:06:26.000 So this is, for you, this is the biggest fight ever. 0.98

00:06:29.000 To me, this is the one where I don't know what the fuck... 0.91

00:06:31.000 First of all, I think John is the greatest light heavyweight champ of all time. 0.98

00:06:34.000 Ever.

00:06:35.000 Yes, I agree.

00:06:36.000 And I think he's also still growing and getting better.

00:06:39.000 That's what's scary.

00:06:41.000 Spectacular talent.

00:06:42.000 Because he just moved his entire...

00:06:44.000 Camp to Albuquerque because he used to live in New York.

00:06:47.000 Now he bought a place in Albuquerque and he's training full time now.

00:06:50.000 He was just going to Albuquerque for camps.

00:06:53.000 Huh?

00:06:53.000 Think how crazy that's going to be.

00:06:55.000 Yeah, it's incredible.

00:06:55.000 The question becomes after he beats Anthony Rumble Johnson.

00:06:58.000 Kane.

00:06:59.000 That's where he's going to go, right?

00:07:01.000 The question is if.

00:07:02.000 It's not after. 0.99

00:07:03.000 Because I don't know what the fuck is going to happen when Anthony Rumble Johnson puts mitts on you. 0.98

00:07:07.000 I don't know who's going to be able to withstand that. 0.98

00:07:11.000 See, the problem is John is so much longer, and the reach is a factor.

00:07:17.000 Listen, I thought Glover was going to be an issue for him boxing.

00:07:21.000 Offered nothing.

00:07:22.000 Because of that length, it's tough to deal with, man.

00:07:24.000 Glover is very good.

00:07:25.000 I think Glover is like at a possible stand-up challengers.

00:07:30.000 When I was looking at him coming in against John, I was like, he's got really heavy hands.

00:07:34.000 Especially at the time.

00:07:35.000 Especially at the time.

00:07:36.000 Well, he took a step back.

00:07:38.000 He's not training with...

00:07:39.000 He wasn't training with Hackleman for this last fight.

00:07:42.000 He did it all in Connecticut.

00:07:43.000 Yeah, in his own camp.

00:07:45.000 Yeah, he had his own camp that he did down there.

00:07:46.000 A lot of people thought maybe he wasn't prepared as well.

00:07:48.000 When he fought John, though, there was a ton of hype in the UFC. I'm like, this is the guy.

00:07:52.000 Chuck Liddell signed off on it.

00:07:54.000 Dana White.

00:07:54.000 I felt like it.

00:07:56.000 I feel like guys are as good as they are in their best performances.

00:08:01.000 If you look at him, his best performance, he gets clipped by Ryan Bader and seconds later he puts Bader away.

00:08:06.000 Yeah.

00:08:07.000 You know, you look at the way he beat up Kyle Kingsbury. 0.99

00:08:09.000 That was a scary goddamn fight. 0.99

00:08:11.000 The Kyle Kingsbury fight was scary. 1.00

00:08:13.000 He just came out and he shows you what the fuck he could do. 0.99

00:08:15.000 True. 1.00

00:08:16.000 And you're like, whoa.

00:08:17.000 And you know that Kyle Kingsbury, who's a very good athlete and a really cool guy, wasn't at the best of the best.

00:08:22.000 He wasn't at that level, right?

00:08:23.000 You know, he was dominated by...

00:08:25.000 Pat Cummins.

00:08:27.000 Pat Cummins recently.

00:08:28.000 Recently, yeah.

00:08:29.000 So, you know, there's levels.

00:08:32.000 And then, you know, Rumble Johnson has bad times at 170, but you've got to think that a lot of that had to do with him starving himself.

00:08:38.000 I'm sure. 0.74

00:08:38.000 And when you're looking at him as a light heavyweight, you know, the way he fucking destroyed Nogueira, I was just like, Jesus. 0.74

00:08:45.000 And then taking out Gustafson like that in the first round. 0.72

00:08:48.000 Although I wonder, because he did headbutt Gustafson and Gustafson fell to his knees.

00:08:52.000 It makes you wonder at that point, because... 0.82

00:08:56.000 I mean, Gustav's still a killer.

00:08:58.000 And I don't know.

00:09:00.000 We just didn't get a chance to really see it.

00:09:02.000 Definitely a factor.

00:09:03.000 But it should be a factor for both men, right?

00:09:05.000 I mean, they're hitting each other with their heads.

00:09:06.000 But I feel like every time John has a new opponent, it's like, oh, this is it.

00:09:10.000 This is the one.

00:09:11.000 Look at DC. I legitimately thought DC was probably going to beat him in a decision.

00:09:15.000 Three to two.

00:09:16.000 I thought he had the perfect setup, the perfect pedigree to beat John Jones.

00:09:21.000 And then, I mean, John destroyed.

00:09:23.000 He picked him up by the hips.

00:09:24.000 It really wasn't that close of a fight.

00:09:27.000 So then now it's like, oh, here's Anthony Johnson.

00:09:30.000 And I love Anthony.

00:09:30.000 He's a monster.

00:09:32.000 But I feel like we go through this every time. 0.98

00:09:34.000 Well, we do.

00:09:34.000 Until he fights Kane, I think once he does, and that's going to happen, I bet.

00:09:38.000 When he fights Kane, now we're talking.

00:09:40.000 Well, I think Kane has to stay healthy.

00:09:42.000 I think he beats Kane.

00:09:45.000 Really?

00:09:46.000 He might.

00:09:46.000 You never know, man.

00:09:47.000 Look, he might very well beat Johnson.

00:09:51.000 It might be very well one of those things you look back on it in hindsight.

00:09:54.000 And you say, well, you know, maybe I should have figured that this could have happened or that John would have an advantage here.

00:10:00.000 But...

00:10:01.000 Dude, when I watch that dude lay mitts on people, I'm telling you.

00:10:04.000 He's the hardest hitter at 205. Hands down.

00:10:07.000 A lot of shit can happen when that guy's hitting you. 1.00

00:10:09.000 I agree. 0.99

00:10:10.000 I don't think that John Jones is hearing a peep out of him wrestling-wise, though.

00:10:15.000 I think John Jones will dominate.

00:10:17.000 I mean, if he grabs him, holds on to him, he seems to dominate everybody. 0.99

00:10:19.000 This is why you should shut the fuck up. 0.99

00:10:20.000 Did you see him fight Phil Davis? 0.99

00:10:22.000 The sprawls he hit Phil Davis with, ferocious sprawls.

00:10:25.000 Did you see what he did to a two-time Olympian?

00:10:29.000 Phil Davis is a very high-level wrestler.

00:10:31.000 Not like Daniel Cormier.

00:10:33.000 Daniel Cormier is a two-time Olympian.

00:10:35.000 That's true, but fitness-wise.

00:10:38.000 Sure, but Jones literally, I couldn't believe, he picked him up by the hips.

00:10:42.000 Boom! 0.99

00:10:43.000 Dumped him.

00:10:43.000 Dumped him again.

00:10:44.000 Just out-wrestled him.

00:10:46.000 And Cormier said, this guy is so much bigger than you think when he's hanging on you.

00:10:50.000 Whether it's leverage or whatever.

00:10:51.000 And Daniel Cormier is a guy who picks up heavyweights and throws them on their head like, what's his name?

00:10:57.000 Josh Barnett.

00:10:58.000 No doubt.

00:10:59.000 Look, Cormier wasn't a good matchup for him.

00:11:02.000 Jon figured out right away that he could take him down. 0.99

00:11:04.000 Once he took him down in the first round, I was like, holy shit. 0.99

00:11:08.000 Yeah, once that happened with the other guy. 1.00

00:11:09.000 Yeah, holy shit. 0.99

00:11:10.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Yeah, that's a goddamn wake-up problem. 1.00

00:11:12.000 All anybody who knew a lot about wrestling said is, there's no question that Jones is going to be on his back when Cormier grabs him. 0.98

00:11:18.000 Guess what?

00:11:19.000 You know what? 0.95

00:11:19.000 When you got a guy who's super fucking talented and his big derailment is a family. 0.95

00:11:24.000 I mean, that's what happened. 0.87

00:11:25.000 He had a kid and then we got out of competitive wrestling because he had to feed his family.

00:11:29.000 But if he had gone on...

00:11:31.000 What I'm seeing out of this guy, like, wrestling with people, he would have been a very...

00:11:36.000 He was a JUCO national champion.

00:11:37.000 JUCO national champion.

00:11:38.000 Which is no punk, man.

00:11:39.000 No, not at all.

00:11:40.000 What is JUCO? Junior college national champion.

00:11:43.000 But I think, like, he would have given people fits as a wrestler.

00:11:47.000 I mean, anybody in the world, he would have given them fits.

00:11:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:50.000 I think it would have all been dedicated, or how much time he dedicated to it, how much energy he did.

00:11:56.000 But if he was in a situation where he could train 100% enough to support his family, he would have been a seriously world-class amateur wrestler.

00:12:03.000 If not the best, especially in his weight class.

00:12:05.000 You look at what he's doing in the UFC. If he decided to focus on wrestling, he would be the best.

00:12:09.000 He's a fucking stud. 0.99

00:12:10.000 With his mentality, man. 1.00

00:12:11.000 And then, you know, you look at what Johnson's been able to do when he hits people, man.

00:12:15.000 John doesn't do that.

00:12:17.000 There's a difference between the way John hits people. 0.96

00:12:19.000 John fucks people up, make no mistake about it. 0.62

00:12:21.000 John's fought tougher guys, though. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Fuck yeah, he has. 0.99

00:12:23.000 At 205. 100% he has. 0.99

00:12:25.000 John's fought everybody.

00:12:26.000 Jon fought everyone.

00:12:27.000 Jon fights a little nog. 0.99

00:12:28.000 It's not going to be pretty. 0.99

00:12:30.000 No, it'll be ugly as fuck, especially now. 0.98

00:12:32.000 He'll be so confident coming into it now. 0.98

00:12:34.000 But, you know, if you fought him back when Noguera gave, like, let's think about his best performance in the Octagon.

00:12:44.000 Brills?

00:12:44.000 Maybe.

00:12:45.000 Brills.

00:12:45.000 Rashad?

00:12:46.000 Rashad was a good one.

00:12:47.000 Rashad was a good one because he shut him down with his boxing.

00:12:49.000 And Rashad was tentative, afraid to commit.

00:12:52.000 People don't realize Little Nog was a national champion in Brazil.

00:12:57.000 He medaled as an amateur boxer.

00:12:59.000 Wow.

00:13:00.000 Yeah, he medaled in like the Pan Am games or something like that.

00:13:02.000 No, he's legit.

00:13:03.000 Super legit, Boston.

00:13:04.000 But Rumble at that stage, like Rumble's coming up, Little Nog is getting older. 1.00

00:13:09.000 I was in the dressing room while Little Nog was warm up because I was corning Pat Cummings against Kingsbury in Sacramento, I think.

00:13:18.000 San Francisco.

00:13:19.000 Anyways, Little Nog was warming up and I'm telling you, man, I was like, oh no.

00:13:23.000 Someone should stop him from going out there.

00:13:26.000 He couldn't even hit the mitts.

00:13:27.000 He couldn't hit the mitts.

00:13:28.000 He was so stiff.

00:13:29.000 Jesus.

00:13:29.000 He just sat there until Burt said his name and then he started going.

00:13:32.000 A lot of those guys, by the time they get to a certain age, their bodies have gone through so much trauma, so much physical trauma, so much damage, so many kicks, so many punches, so many takedowns.

00:13:42.000 There's just micro injuries everywhere.

00:13:44.000 And they're not that old.

00:13:45.000 No.

00:13:45.000 Him and his brother are not that old.

00:13:47.000 They had ferocious, especially his brother, had ferocious wars.

00:13:51.000 Brother, that fight with Bob Sapp.

00:13:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:13:54.000 He was never the same after that fight. 0.99

00:13:55.000 His neck was always fucked up after that fight. 0.98

00:13:57.000 If you watch that fight, it's hard to believe he got through that. 0.99

00:14:00.000 I know.

00:14:00.000 He got pile-drived by a 300-plus pound gigantic super athlete.

00:14:05.000 They offered him the fight again.

00:14:07.000 He was like, no, I beat him.

00:14:09.000 Again?

00:14:09.000 Yeah, and he was like, it doesn't make sense.

00:14:10.000 I'd never fight a guy that big again.

00:14:12.000 He'd break his back, man.

00:14:13.000 He could have broken his back. 0.71

00:14:14.000 Dude, he pile-drived him.

00:14:18.000 I mean...

00:14:18.000 Just an all-natural Bob Sapp.

00:14:21.000 Just fresh off those ears.

00:14:24.000 Are you being sarcastic?

00:14:25.000 Dude, you're gonna get us written up in MMA magazines again.

00:14:28.000 This would be the number one story.

00:14:29.000 Come on! 0.61

00:14:29.000 Brendan Schaub says Bob Sapp was on steroids. 0.61

00:14:32.000 That's an outrage? 0.99

00:14:33.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

00:14:34.000 This is outrageous. 0.95

00:14:35.000 I should probably address this Fedor thing because people keep bringing it up. 0.96

00:14:39.000 First of all, I think it's weird that every time we have a podcast and we just talk shit, it becomes like stories. 0.88

00:14:47.000 We get in trouble. 0.97

00:14:48.000 Yeah, it's hilarious.

00:14:49.000 They're stories.

00:14:50.000 And one of them was that I said that it was highly possible that Fedor could have been on performance-enhancing drugs.

00:14:56.000 I'm not saying that because he was cheating and everybody else wasn't.

00:14:59.000 When I say that, I'm just saying it only based on the environment that guy was competing in.

00:15:04.000 Where you looked at the contracts and said specifically, we do not test for steroids.

00:15:09.000 Does that mean that anybody's on steroids?

00:15:11.000 No, it absolutely doesn't mean it.

00:15:12.000 But it doesn't mean the possibility is there.

00:15:16.000 If Fedor comes out and he says, I never took steroids, this is a fact, I have no reason to disbelieve him.

00:15:23.000 But we look at the environment that that guy was competing in, and there's no doubt about it.

00:15:27.000 We just brought up Bob Sapp.

00:15:28.000 He's the major one.

00:15:29.000 He's the number one major one.

00:15:31.000 There's the best evidence you ever need that no one's testing anybody.

00:15:34.000 Come on! 0.61

00:15:36.000 Not even a human.

00:15:38.000 375. 375 with abs.

00:15:40.000 6% body fat or something like that. 0.99

00:15:41.000 Ridiculous, silly jack. 0.99

00:15:43.000 Beat Ernesto Hoos that way. 0.99

00:15:44.000 One of the greatest kickboxers of all time.

00:15:46.000 Those uppercuts jumping in the air.

00:15:48.000 Just smashing with muscle and just test and D-ball and whatever the fuck else was in his veins.

00:15:55.000 It's like, there was a lot of guys that were doing stuff back then. 0.99

00:15:58.000 If you talk to the people that competed, even people that are clean, they'll tell you, man, I saw dudes that I know for a fact were doing shit. 0.68

00:16:05.000 I know a good percentage of what we're doing. 0.91

00:16:07.000 It might not have been Fedor.

00:16:08.000 It's very possible.

00:16:09.000 Yeah, but it's not crazy to assume that.

00:16:10.000 It's not ridiculous to assume that.

00:16:12.000 So, first of all, the big important point, it wasn't even cheating.

00:16:16.000 It's only cheating by our laws.

00:16:17.000 We're calling cheating by United States laws.

00:16:20.000 They didn't even have it in their contract.

00:16:22.000 Like, it said in the contract, we're not going to test for steroids.

00:16:24.000 They're telling you you can do whatever you want.

00:16:25.000 Which basically says, yeah.

00:16:26.000 So it's like, let's put it in perspective with this whole Tour de France thing.

00:16:31.000 The big argument, Bill Burr had a hilarious segment on Conan talking about it, is like, everybody was on Juice.

00:16:36.000 That it's a dirty sport. 0.99

00:16:37.000 That our psychopaths beat your psychopaths. 0.99

00:16:39.000 But everyone's cheating. 0.90

00:16:41.000 And he's right.

00:16:41.000 He's right.

00:16:44.000 If everyone just admitted what they were doing, then we would just be able to deal with it on the fact, well, to do that bike race, you need to have all this shit in your system. 0.99

00:16:52.000 That's the only way these guys could do it. 0.99

00:16:54.000 We could tell kids that. 1.00

00:16:55.000 Don't feel inadequate next to this fuck guy. 1.00

00:16:58.000 He's got scientists working for him. 1.00

00:16:59.000 Because this fuck guy's got EPO in his veins, and we should tell people this is the only way they can do this and compete. 0.99

00:17:04.000 But we make sure that their levels don't get above a safe amount, and then you let them compete that way. 1.00

00:17:09.000 There's a lot of people that feel like that.

00:17:11.000 You have such a dirty sport. 0.99

00:17:12.000 Whereas when Armstrong had to give his shit back, and they'd go back to people. 1.00

00:17:18.000 15th place. 0.99

00:17:18.000 Yeah, it was like 15th place, the guy who didn't test positive for something. 0.99

00:17:21.000 So it's basically a level playing field.

00:17:22.000 It's basically a level playing field.

00:17:23.000 Exactly.

00:17:24.000 They're all cheating.

00:17:25.000 It's just who's better at hiding than cheating?

00:17:26.000 Who's got a better team behind them?

00:17:28.000 I don't think that's necessarily the case with fighting. 1.00

00:17:31.000 Like I've said, I would bet a million dollars if BJ Penn never took shit. 0.99

00:17:34.000 I bet a million dollars. 1.00

00:17:35.000 I agree.

00:17:35.000 He's the guy.

00:17:36.000 There's a lot of other guys I think if they got injured, like this is Anderson's thing.

00:17:39.000 He's saying that he took it because he was injured and he was trying to heal his leg.

00:17:43.000 You still can't do it because it's illegal.

00:17:46.000 Like, you can't.

00:17:46.000 It's not in the rules because, first of all, they've shown that if you do take it, I believe that you're only taking it to heal your leg.

00:17:52.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:17:53.000 But if you allow people that sort of loophole, there's certain steroids that you can take that they alter your body permanently.

00:18:01.000 Like you're gonna take steroids that they've done tests on these and it might be a small amount and that small amount might be Not even close to like the advantage that someone like has John like John Jones has over someone like Eddie Brill You know what I mean? 0.91

00:18:14.000 Like just insane genetics, insane athleticism Like even if you do take steroids and you keep a little bit of it, bitch, you're still not as... 1.00

00:18:23.000 He's naturally stronger than you. 1.00

00:18:25.000 Like you're fucksville with nothing. 0.99

00:18:27.000 With no drugs, he's way stronger than you. 1.00

00:18:29.000 So you're fucked. 1.00

00:18:30.000 But you can't let that be something that everybody does. 1.00

00:18:37.000 Because you'd have to define what an injury is now.

00:18:41.000 Suddenly people would all have injuries.

00:18:43.000 Well, not only that, people would do it in the offseason and put on crazy strength.

00:18:46.000 And Americans would hate you.

00:18:48.000 The world would hate the sport if they knew everyone was We're cheating and roided to the gills.

00:18:53.000 It's just not pure.

00:18:53.000 People won't assume their heroes and the guys they see on TV, or gals, are supplement-free.

00:18:59.000 Yeah, and if we got to a point where everyone is doing...

00:19:02.000 It's all obvious they do it.

00:19:04.000 It's listed in their stats. 1.00

00:19:06.000 He takes 15 milliliters of this fucking chemical. 1.00

00:19:10.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

00:19:11.000 Dioxymacathate.

00:19:12.000 And he tells the whole stack that he's on.

00:19:14.000 And it's all about getting the right stack.

00:19:16.000 But it raises a very important question, which is, as we are pushing way beyond our biology, and it's becoming exponential, and so you're going to have high school kids, like Ray Kurzweil says, who can inject themselves with tiny little robots, like red blood cells,

00:19:33.000 that basically oxygenate your blood.

00:19:35.000 They can sprint for an hour.

00:19:37.000 Robots.

00:19:37.000 Brian told me the other day that they have technology to create bulletproof flying dragons.

00:19:42.000 No, I was just saying synthetic biology.

00:19:45.000 They probably do. 1.00

00:19:46.000 We're all fucked, man. 0.99

00:19:46.000 I mean, we're probably 100 years away from them being able to create organisms. 0.99

00:19:50.000 Whatever you can come up with.

00:19:51.000 Craig Venter says 25 years.

00:19:54.000 He's probably smarter than me, so I'll go with what that guy says.

00:19:56.000 The point is that you're getting to a point where biology and technology is just getting to a...

00:20:04.000 How do you deny it?

00:20:06.000 You're going to gene dope and do all this stuff.

00:20:07.000 So then what does that mean?

00:20:08.000 When you're competing against another guy, is it actually like race cars?

00:20:12.000 Race cars have a whole team of mechanics that work on that engine.

00:20:16.000 But like race cars, you have a very specific amount of cubic inches you're allowed to have.

00:20:21.000 That's true.

00:20:21.000 There's a limit to it.

00:20:23.000 There's a limit to horsepower.

00:20:24.000 That's very true.

00:20:25.000 So it's all about the skill of the driver.

00:20:27.000 Like the sophistication of the team that puts it together.

00:20:30.000 I mean, they have to adjust the suspension, calibrate the dampers, make sure that everything's correct as far as the weight balance and all this other jazz, and they build a solid engine.

00:20:38.000 But the engine has to be like, you know, whatever it is, 500 horsepower.

00:20:41.000 You can't...

00:20:42.000 And here's a little news flash for you.

00:20:44.000 If every girl in the division at 135 took steroids, they're still not beating Ronda. 1.00

00:20:50.000 You could be juiced to the gills and you're not beating Ronda.

00:20:53.000 Guys at 205, juice all you want.

00:20:55.000 You're not beating Jon Jones.

00:20:56.000 It's just not going to happen, man.

00:20:57.000 Right?

00:20:58.000 Isn't that strange?

00:20:59.000 There's guys that, and by the way, that might have been Fedor.

00:21:02.000 It's very possible.

00:21:03.000 True.

00:21:03.000 And when I say this, I have a few all-time favorite fighters.

00:21:08.000 Brendan Schaub, of course, because he's my friend.

00:21:10.000 Yes.

00:21:11.000 You never saw me do time.

00:21:12.000 I don't know.

00:21:13.000 Well, I did some video, I guess.

00:21:15.000 Okay, we'll show you.

00:21:16.000 We'll get to that.

00:21:17.000 But the top two, there's maybe like three or four that are interchangeable.

00:21:25.000 And one of them is Vandalay, just because every fight was chaos.

00:21:28.000 I'll be a Vandalay Silva fan to the day I died. 1.00

00:21:31.000 That motherfucker was a maniac. 1.00

00:21:34.000 In Pride, when he fought Rampage, and he's standing in front of him, like bobbing his head back and forth, a fucking stare down. 1.00

00:21:42.000 Do this fucking thing. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Axe murder. 1.00

00:21:44.000 The wiggle, the gloves.

00:21:45.000 Dude, I can very clearly remember Eddie Bravo and I sitting in my living room, cross-legged on the couch, hands sweaty, when Vandelay was about to fight Rampage.

00:21:54.000 It was a fight, son, man. 0.99

00:21:55.000 It was a fucking war! 1.00

00:21:56.000 Couple of balls of estrogen. 1.00

00:21:58.000 It was war! 0.99

00:21:58.000 Goddamn, he was good. 0.99

00:22:00.000 Goddamn, he was chaotic. 0.99

00:22:01.000 He was just so ferocious. 0.99

00:22:03.000 So he will always have a special place in my heart.

00:22:05.000 But then when it comes to technicians, there's two guys that are interchangeable.

00:22:09.000 It's Anderson and Fedor.

00:22:10.000 Those are my two favorite technicians.

00:22:11.000 Anderson fell out of my top because of the steroids.

00:22:14.000 I give him a break.

00:22:15.000 You give him a break.

00:22:17.000 I give him a break on his past performances.

00:22:19.000 I give him a break on the spectacular knockouts like the Vitor Belfort front kick to the face, choking out Dan Henderson when Dan was dropping bombs out people.

00:22:28.000 I give him a break.

00:22:30.000 You know, before his chin went. 0.99

00:22:31.000 Before the Weidman fight, when Weidman caught him, Weidman fucking hurt him, dude. 0.98

00:22:36.000 He hurt him bad. 0.96

00:22:37.000 And if you watch that second fight, it just does not look like he takes the same punch that he did in the first fight.

00:22:43.000 During the clinch, he gets clipped and he goes down.

00:22:46.000 And I look at him, I go, man, here's a guy who's struggling.

00:22:48.000 Like, this is the end of the career.

00:22:50.000 He's 39. This is how we look at athletes.

00:22:53.000 You know, I mean, there's the reality, if you're gonna be natural, there's the reality of athletes.

00:22:56.000 They get to a certain point, especially after a few knockouts, and they're 39 years old.

00:23:00.000 Like, that's what you're looking at, man.

00:23:02.000 You're looking at the deterioration of the master. 0.99

00:23:05.000 And at one point in time, Anderson was the fucking master, to say anything else. 0.99

00:23:08.000 The best I've ever seen. 1.00

00:23:09.000 Just ridiculous. 0.86

00:23:10.000 He's the best. 0.95

00:23:10.000 Finished everybody. 0.95

00:23:11.000 As far as performances, I look at the way he put guys away too, like the Stefan Bonner fight. 0.99

00:23:16.000 Like, Jesus fucking Christ. 0.98

00:23:18.000 He did it like he's a magician. 1.00

00:23:20.000 He's standing with his back up against a cage.

00:23:22.000 Waved him over.

00:23:23.000 Waved him over.

00:23:24.000 And then when he decides it's time to attack, crushes him with one knee to the solar plexus.

00:23:29.000 Imagine the confidence you have to have to do that.

00:23:31.000 Bonner's huge too.

00:23:32.000 Bonner's 6'4", 235. Was on Juice.

00:23:35.000 Bonner tested positive.

00:23:37.000 Yeah, he tested positive.

00:23:37.000 I mean, obviously Bonner's not the best example.

00:23:40.000 I mean, he's not the best fighter that Anderson, no disrespect, he's not the best fighter that Anderson's faced.

00:23:44.000 But you look at what he did to Rich Franklin. 0.99

00:23:46.000 Rich Franklin's a tough motherfucker, man. 0.99

00:23:48.000 Look at Rich Franklin with Chuck Liddell. 0.99

00:23:49.000 How about Forrest Griffith?

00:23:50.000 But do you think the Rich Franklin that fought Chuck Liddell was better than the Rich Franklin that fought Anderson?

00:23:56.000 Because I don't.

00:23:57.000 No.

00:23:57.000 There's no way.

00:23:58.000 No.

00:23:58.000 So the Anderson that fought Rich Franklin, he fought the best Rich Franklin ever and just ran through him.

00:24:04.000 Stood in front of him, dropped his hands, and let him throw kicks at him. 0.99

00:24:08.000 In a fucking championship fight! 0.99

00:24:10.000 In a world championship fight, his hands are down, the guy's throwing kicks at his head. 1.00

00:24:13.000 And he's bobbing and weaving like it's not even happening.

00:24:15.000 So you got Anderson over Fedor.

00:24:17.000 I got Anderson overall.

00:24:18.000 I have Anderson over everyone.

00:24:19.000 Always.

00:24:20.000 He's your favorite.

00:24:21.000 He's my number one.

00:24:22.000 Anderson's my favorite.

00:24:23.000 Has to be.

00:24:23.000 He doesn't have to be.

00:24:24.000 Who's your favorite?

00:24:25.000 Well, this is just my opinion.

00:24:27.000 This is my opinion.

00:24:27.000 And in that mix, in that mix of those great guys is Anderson and in Fedor.

00:24:32.000 I say Anderson overall, but I've had some fantastic enjoyment watching Fedor fights.

00:24:38.000 Like what I'm saying and what I said about it being Possible that someone might have done performance enhancing drugs.

00:24:44.000 It's not an accusation I'm just highlighting the reality of the environment that they were competing in That's it as far as my respect for him as an athlete as a fighter.

00:24:53.000 I'm a huge huge fan of that guy. 0.99

00:24:55.000 I've always been a huge fan There's a video of me on YouTube with that huge UFC hated because I was talking about what a bad motherfucker He is this what he's fighting for the other organization It's a highlight video of me just ranting about what a bad motherfucker he is. 0.98

00:25:08.000 Like, I've always thought he was amazing. 0.98

00:25:10.000 But I have to be honest.

00:25:13.000 I'm honest about everything.

00:25:15.000 And even if it could be possibly perceived to be disrespectful, it's not my intention.

00:25:20.000 My intention is to look at the reality.

00:25:22.000 I don't know whether or not someone took a performance-enhancing drug.

00:25:24.000 I don't know.

00:25:25.000 I have no idea.

00:25:26.000 I could take a wild guess. 1.00

00:25:28.000 But it's all bullshit. 0.99

00:25:29.000 Unless I see it or unless we know for sure because someone tested positive. 1.00

00:25:32.000 Or his traps are ridiculously large.

00:25:34.000 Well, even then.

00:25:35.000 There's some dudes that are just built a certain way.

00:25:37.000 To assume that, though, it's not crazy.

00:25:39.000 No one should write a story about you assuming that.

00:25:41.000 Exactly.

00:25:42.000 That's like assuming I'm the only one that tans in here. 1.00

00:25:44.000 I'm brown as shit. 1.00

00:25:45.000 You guys are white. 1.00

00:25:46.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.75

00:25:46.000 It's not ridiculous to assume I tan. 0.75

00:25:48.000 You know Dimitri.

00:25:50.000 Yeah.

00:25:50.000 Dimitri's Ukrainian.

00:25:51.000 Yep. 1.00

00:25:51.000 And he's built like a brick fucking shithouse. 1.00

00:25:54.000 He really is. 1.00

00:25:54.000 This dude and I have been friends since we were like 15. We competed together. 1.00

00:25:57.000 We were in the same taekwondo team.

00:25:59.000 We tried.

00:25:59.000 He was the heavyweight.

00:26:00.000 I sparted that dude all the time.

00:26:01.000 You probably know him, Brian. 0.97

00:26:02.000 You're on the same I didn't I couldn't actually I like missed a national tournament once because he kicked my shin and snapped my fucking not the tibia the fit which the fibula or the tibia tibia is the fat one the fibula yeah the painful one he was a he's a my point is he's a stone that motherfucker never did anything I know he never did anything we're friends we're friends back when he's competing I mean they didn't test anybody back then like they tested you if you got to the Olympics in Taekwondo you would know I don't know if he was on something. 0.97

00:26:29.000 He wasn't on shit. 1.00

00:26:30.000 I know he wasn't on shit. 1.00

00:26:31.000 But if you looked at him, you would have got guys juicing the tits. 1.00

00:26:34.000 You can't do that. 0.92

00:26:34.000 And I wish the public could meet certain athletes where it's like, no, these people are actually born different than you. 0.92

00:26:41.000 You meet Tim Tebow.

00:26:43.000 You see Tim, and it's just like, he won't take protein powder he's worried about.

00:26:47.000 Ronda Rousey, you hang out with Ronda?

00:26:48.000 No.

00:26:49.000 She does nothing.

00:26:50.000 And she's just built different than us. 0.99

00:26:53.000 She's just a freak. 1.00

00:26:54.000 Brock was at the UFC this weekend, and I shook his hands, and he picked me up in the air with a handshake.

00:27:00.000 What do you mean?

00:27:00.000 And I'm not bullshitting, dude.

00:27:02.000 He picked me up in the air with a fucking handshake. 0.99

00:27:04.000 I go, what's up, big man? 0.99

00:27:05.000 I clapped hands with him, and all of a sudden I was in the air.

00:27:10.000 Come on! 0.99

00:27:11.000 Dude, I'm not fucking around. 1.00

00:27:12.000 He's a monster. 1.00

00:27:13.000 He's a monster. 0.99

00:27:14.000 I mean, he kind of touched me with his left hand while he picked me up, but most of it was just him sack of potato in me. 0.99

00:27:20.000 Just a giant hand.

00:27:21.000 Just giant.

00:27:22.000 My hand disappeared.

00:27:23.000 It was like a laptop.

00:27:24.000 It was like shaking hands with a laptop.

00:27:26.000 That's like Shane Carlin who picked me up and started to squeeze me.

00:27:29.000 You were there.

00:27:29.000 And I was like, oh, I was tapping.

00:27:31.000 And he goes, I just hear in my ear, that's 20%, bro.

00:27:35.000 Dude, Shane.

00:27:36.000 He squeezed my body.

00:27:37.000 Shane, we'd be on his boat.

00:27:39.000 His hand's so big, we'd be on his boat.

00:27:41.000 And I'd be like, hey, Shane, you need any other berries?

00:27:43.000 He's like, I got one, brother.

00:27:44.000 Peel his hand back. 1.00

00:27:46.000 I'm like, damn, bro. 1.00

00:27:47.000 You can't fuck with that kind of genetics. 1.00

00:27:51.000 You just can't fuck with that kind of genetics. 1.00

00:27:53.000 It's just guys that are just too big. 0.99

00:27:55.000 And I wish people could hang around with athletes of this caliber.

00:27:59.000 It's like, no, I'm telling you, they're just built different.

00:28:02.000 No matter what you ever do, you're never going to be on the same plane.

00:28:05.000 Make sure ain't equal. 0.97

00:28:06.000 Mike Tyson in his prime. 0.96

00:28:07.000 I mean, just get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:28:09.000 He didn't even do shit. 1.00

00:28:10.000 All he was doing was working out. 0.99

00:28:11.000 He was getting out.

00:28:13.000 I run at 530 in the morning because it's dark out and I always assume that my opponent's still sleeping and that gives me extra strength.

00:28:19.000 I feel confident. 0.99

00:28:21.000 He's fucking running. 1.00

00:28:22.000 Just fucking diesel. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Diesel, square-headed, destroying machine. 1.00

00:28:29.000 Incredible.

00:28:30.000 Fast twitch muscle, fiber, and angst.

00:28:32.000 And finally in his life, he's become special after years of neglect. 0.99

00:28:36.000 And that special talent is knocking motherfuckers out. 1.00

00:28:40.000 And a hundred mil in the bank. 0.99

00:28:41.000 Can you imagine him in his heyday?

00:28:43.000 He had four hundred mil, I believe.

00:28:45.000 God, Jesus.

00:28:45.000 At one point, then lost it all.

00:28:47.000 Well, I don't think he all had it all at one point.

00:28:48.000 No.

00:28:49.000 I don't think he had 400 million in the back.

00:28:50.000 I think that's like his total that he pissed away over his life.

00:28:53.000 That's a lot of money.

00:28:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:54.000 He had tigers. 0.99

00:28:56.000 Charlie Murphy was on my podcast and told a story about Mike Tyson and a fucking tiger. 0.99

00:29:01.000 There's a video of it. 0.93

00:29:02.000 Pull the video of it.

00:29:03.000 Somebody made a video.

00:29:04.000 Find out who the video was made by.

00:29:06.000 Some fan did it. 0.99

00:29:07.000 He did an animation of Mike Tyson and his fucking tiger. 0.99

00:29:11.000 He's got tigers. 0.99

00:29:11.000 Charlie Murphy pulls up and no one wants to get out of the limousine. 0.99

00:29:14.000 They're all sitting there.

00:29:15.000 Mike Tyson's house. 0.99

00:29:16.000 This is when his brother Eddie Murphy was fucking gigantic. 0.98

00:29:19.000 You know, he still is. 0.98

00:29:20.000 But when Charlie, people didn't know who Charlie was.

00:29:22.000 Charlie was hanging out with his brother, who was friends with Mike.

00:29:25.000 Are they close?

00:29:25.000 They're pretty close those two?

00:29:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:26.000 They're close.

00:29:27.000 I ran into them just totally randomly in Maui.

00:29:30.000 Really? 0.99

00:29:30.000 It was the coolest shit ever. 0.99

00:29:31.000 Both of them? 0.99

00:29:32.000 Yeah.

00:29:32.000 I was at the counter checking into a hotel, and his cousin Rich was there.

00:29:38.000 I was like, what's up, Rich?

00:29:39.000 What are you doing, man?

00:29:40.000 Because we went on that tour together, the Maxim-Condy tour. 0.54

00:29:42.000 Right. 1.00

00:29:42.000 He goes, oh, shit, man. 1.00

00:29:43.000 What's up? 1.00

00:29:44.000 Charlie's here.

00:29:45.000 Eddie's here.

00:29:45.000 I go, no way.

00:29:46.000 So I went and hung out with Charlie, and I sat down with Eddie Murphy.

00:29:50.000 I was sitting down with Eddie Murphy having lunch.

00:29:52.000 Cool, dude.

00:29:52.000 It's pretty cool, man.

00:29:53.000 Funny dude.

00:29:53.000 He's the nicest guy.

00:29:54.000 He's a good guy, man.

00:29:54.000 He's so nice.

00:29:56.000 Charlie's a stand-up guy, right? 1.00

00:29:57.000 Charlie is a fucking prince of a human being. 1.00

00:30:00.000 Really? 1.00

00:30:01.000 He's a gem.

00:30:02.000 I love that guy.

00:30:02.000 That's good to hear, man.

00:30:03.000 He's such a good dude.

00:30:05.000 I hung out with that dude.

00:30:07.000 We did 22 shows together, and I liked him more every night.

00:30:10.000 Wow.

00:30:10.000 He's just a solid stand-up dude.

00:30:13.000 Charlie Murphy is a great guy.

00:30:14.000 Where are they from, those two?

00:30:15.000 New York.

00:30:16.000 Charlie Murphy's a legit martial artist, too.

00:30:18.000 Oh, really?

00:30:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:20.000 He's a legit black belt in karate.

00:30:22.000 Yeah.

00:30:22.000 Yeah, he fought in, like, points tournaments and shit back in the day, but he's well immersed in martial arts.

00:30:28.000 Like, you talk to him about martial arts.

00:30:29.000 He just recently got pretty popular, right?

00:30:31.000 Well, not recently, but because of the Dave Chappelle show, he was on there.

00:30:35.000 But before then, it's like, oh, cool, Charlie Murphy.

00:30:37.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:37.000 I think his dad was a boxer, and Eddie Murphy works out.

00:30:41.000 He boxes.

00:30:42.000 I don't know if he spars.

00:30:43.000 Does he?

00:30:43.000 Yeah, but his dad was like, I don't think he was a pro, but I think his dad was pretty close.

00:30:47.000 Well, I don't know, but I know that Charlie's been doing martial arts since he was young.

00:30:50.000 We had some great conversations about it, but just about everything, man.

00:30:53.000 He's just one of those dudes that you listen to him, like you want to hear him talk.

00:30:57.000 He has great stories, man.

00:30:59.000 Could there be anyone bigger than Eddie Murphy at the time in his heyday?

00:31:03.000 Eddie Murphy was so big.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, that donkey on, what is it, is it Shrek?

00:31:09.000 I think he made, well, the movie made.

00:31:12.000 He's done a lot.

00:31:13.000 He's done a lot. 0.99

00:31:13.000 He's done fucking Shrek? 0.99

00:31:15.000 Coming to America? 0.99

00:31:17.000 The voice of Shrek? 0.84

00:31:17.000 Are you a terrorist? 0.84

00:31:19.000 No, he's the Shrek. 1.00

00:31:19.000 He's the donkey. 1.00

00:31:20.000 Who are you? 0.99

00:31:20.000 He's the donkey. 0.99

00:31:21.000 Were you living in Saudi Arabia when all this shit was going on? 1.00

00:31:23.000 No, I know who he is. 0.99

00:31:24.000 Coming to America? 0.77

00:31:25.000 You know who he is?

00:31:26.000 No, he's huge.

00:31:27.000 He's huge.

00:31:27.000 I'm saying Shrek the donkey is where he made a ton.

00:31:30.000 He made $13 million in a day or something.

00:31:32.000 Yeah, I need to hit the brakes real quick.

00:31:33.000 Can you name me one of Eddie Murphy's stand-up comedy specials?

00:31:37.000 Raw, which I saw live.

00:31:38.000 You saw live?

00:31:39.000 You were in the audience? 1.00

00:31:40.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:31:42.000 It was incredible. 0.99

00:31:43.000 Whoa.

00:31:44.000 I know.

00:31:44.000 That's amazing.

00:31:45.000 How'd you get tickets?

00:31:46.000 My friend bought them for us.

00:31:48.000 It was a surprise for her brother's birthday.

00:31:50.000 God.

00:31:51.000 And it was incredible.

00:31:52.000 Greg Belasco and his sister Amy.

00:31:56.000 And we went there, and I was so...

00:31:59.000 I was probably, what, 18, 19?

00:32:01.000 Wow.

00:32:01.000 And he comes out in his leather suit.

00:32:03.000 Oh, my God.

00:32:04.000 And these are seminal moments, because you could see him on the screen, too, and his acting and the things he did.

00:32:08.000 It was shocking how good he was.

00:32:11.000 Shocking.

00:32:11.000 And they were all going crazy, and he went to one side of the room, and he put his hand to his ear, then the next hand to his ear, and I was just like, well, that's the coolest dude on the planet.

00:32:18.000 And the idea that I do that in a small way that I'm a comic is still incredible to me.

00:32:24.000 Yeah, but for sure his highlight of his career is not Shrek being the donkey.

00:32:27.000 No, no.

00:32:28.000 How dare you. 1.00

00:32:29.000 You fucked up. 1.00

00:32:29.000 You didn't let me finish. 1.00

00:32:30.000 What I was saying was they were talking about how much he made for Universal. 0.99

00:32:32.000 But you definitely fucked up, right? 1.00

00:32:33.000 No, man. 1.00

00:32:34.000 Guys, hold on. 0.99

00:32:35.000 You went with Shrek and you don't think you fucked up? 0.99

00:32:37.000 Guys, hold on. 0.99

00:32:38.000 I'm sure you made a lot of money, but guess what? 1.00

00:32:40.000 He was already rich as fuck. 0.99

00:32:41.000 If a guy like Eddie Murphy... 1.00

00:32:42.000 What?

00:32:43.000 Come on, son.

00:32:44.000 If a guy like Eddie Murphy...

00:32:45.000 Beverly had a dry spell for a while, though, didn't he?

00:32:46.000 Listen, dude, settle down.

00:32:48.000 What is dry spell?

00:32:48.000 What are you sitting back counting?

00:32:50.000 You found out how much money he had.

00:32:51.000 He got done.

00:32:52.000 He probably counted about $1,000 a day, and he got bored after a while.

00:32:56.000 And then he said, ah, let me start doing movies again.

00:32:57.000 And he did that movie with Steve Martin. 1.00

00:32:59.000 Everybody goes, oh, shit. 1.00

00:33:00.000 I forgot. 0.99

00:33:01.000 Eddie Murphy's one of the funniest guys ever.

00:33:02.000 Ever.

00:33:03.000 He's amazing.

00:33:04.000 And Brian's like, the donkey.

00:33:05.000 What'd you say, Jamie?

00:33:06.000 A little Yeah, Dr. Doolittle? 0.98

00:33:08.000 No, no, the donkey.

00:33:09.000 Those are like little kids movies.

00:33:10.000 I gotta go back to like trading places.

00:33:12.000 You know?

00:33:13.000 48 Hours?

00:33:14.000 48 Hours.

00:33:15.000 Yeah, 48 Hours is the big one, right?

00:33:16.000 Beverly Hills Cop is huge.

00:33:18.000 Beverly Hills Cop.

00:33:18.000 One, two, three, son.

00:33:20.000 But Nick Nolte?

00:33:21.000 Come on, him and Nick Nolte. 0.99

00:33:22.000 You fucking said Shrek, man. 1.00

00:33:23.000 You said Shrek! 1.00

00:33:24.000 You didn't let me finish! 0.93

00:33:25.000 No, you said a cartoon voice.

00:33:26.000 It wasn't even him. 0.98

00:33:27.000 I was saying, he effortlessly made some insane amount of money just being a donkey. 0.96

00:33:32.000 I'm telling you, he got $13 million. 0.93

00:33:34.000 He didn't need it.

00:33:35.000 I know.

00:33:35.000 That 13 million, it was chic.

00:33:37.000 It went in a pile somewhere.

00:33:38.000 Right.

00:33:39.000 He doesn't even feel that.

00:33:40.000 Have you seen his girl lately?

00:33:41.000 No.

00:33:42.000 Have you seen his girl lately?

00:33:43.000 She's the best looking woman on the planet. 1.00

00:33:44.000 I'm sure.

00:33:45.000 He's still beautiful.

00:33:46.000 I saw him at the beach.

00:33:47.000 He looks great.

00:33:48.000 He doesn't look like whatever old he is.

00:33:50.000 He's older than me.

00:33:50.000 But I look older than him, probably.

00:33:52.000 He is also a germaphobe.

00:33:53.000 He'll use a bar of soap once, throw it away.

00:33:56.000 Well, he's just rich.

00:33:58.000 Charlie does that with sneakers. 0.99

00:33:59.000 Charlie gets sneakers, they're in a box before a show, puts them on, throws those bitches to the side. 1.00

00:34:04.000 Yeah, I'm not even rich. 0.98

00:34:05.000 I only wear socks once, son.

00:34:07.000 I'm not rich.

00:34:08.000 I don't wear socks twice. 0.98

00:34:10.000 Play the video of Charlie at Mike Tyson's house, because this is how fucking goddamn funny Charlie Murphy is. 0.97

00:34:16.000 I bet he has such good stories. 0.97

00:34:19.000 Oh, he's a gem.

00:34:19.000 I've never seen that Tyson documentary.

00:34:20.000 Is it just called Tyson?

00:34:22.000 What is it called?

00:34:22.000 I think it's extremely powerful.

00:34:23.000 You see a man cry. 0.99

00:34:25.000 It is fucking incredible. 0.99

00:34:26.000 Cry when he reflects on parts of his life. 0.99

00:34:29.000 A strong man like that.

00:34:30.000 You have to realize that whatever was on him was no joke.

00:34:33.000 Yeah, it's incredible.

00:34:34.000 That's a man who one time I went to his house.

00:34:37.000 And it was six limos and nobody would get out the limo.

00:34:41.000 And I said, how come nobody's getting out the car?

00:34:43.000 They said, you don't see that line standing over there?

00:34:47.000 Mike Tyson had a line in his front yard.

00:34:50.000 Like hangover style.

00:34:51.000 That's the only man in his house I ever went over.

00:34:53.000 There was a line in the front yard, loose.

00:34:56.000 He was on the steps like this with a heavyweight belt.

00:35:02.000 I was like, no, man, no, that's not a cat.

00:35:09.000 That's a lion. 0.99

00:35:10.000 That's fucking real. 0.99

00:35:11.000 Mike Tyson had a lion. 1.00

00:35:13.000 A male lion or a female lion?

00:35:15.000 With a mane, a lion in his front yard.

00:35:18.000 Loose.

00:35:19.000 It was off the leash, man.

00:35:21.000 It was not in the cage.

00:35:22.000 It was in the yard.

00:35:24.000 Oh, my God.

00:35:25.000 Then he came out and started wrestling with him.

00:35:27.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:35:29.000 Damn, he wrestled? 0.99

00:35:30.000 How big was the lion? 1.00

00:35:31.000 It was big, man.

00:35:32.000 It was a lion, man.

00:35:33.000 He was wrestling with a lion.

00:35:34.000 Came over there and grabbed him and started tussling with him and all.

00:35:37.000 Jesus.

00:35:38.000 And everybody was in the limousine.

00:35:39.000 So the lion could come up to a limousine and bust the window open and come in there.

00:35:43.000 I'm sorry.

00:35:44.000 Easy.

00:35:44.000 He could just go like this booth and come right in there.

00:35:47.000 So everybody was in the car.

00:35:49.000 He couldn't back out because it was all like five limos.

00:35:51.000 So everybody's in the car horrified, thinking that Mike's getting ready to be eaten.

00:35:57.000 He plays with him and he takes him in the back and comes back out and I was like, you know what?

00:36:03.000 I'm never going to be around another man in life that's going to do that in front of you.

00:36:09.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:36:11.000 That's incredible.

00:36:12.000 Who's the animation?

00:36:13.000 That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

00:36:15.000 Slain at Telepathoid. 0.94

00:36:17.000 That's the dude who put it together.

00:36:19.000 Walking the lion back.

00:36:22.000 S-L-A-I-N at, what is it again? 1.00

00:36:27.000 I just want to give this guy's credit.

00:36:31.000 What is it?

00:36:32.000 What did it say at the very end there?

00:36:33.000 I just want to give the guy because it's really cool.

00:36:35.000 It's funny animation too.

00:36:37.000 Telepathoid?

00:36:38.000 So slain at telepathoid?

00:36:41.000 Okay.

00:36:41.000 Thanks, buddy.

00:36:42.000 Thanks for making that.

00:36:43.000 But yeah, how funny is he?

00:36:45.000 I said, boof. 0.98

00:36:46.000 Boof.

00:36:47.000 I've never heard anybody use that expression.

00:36:49.000 A lion.

00:36:50.000 I'll be a lion.

00:36:51.000 Heavyweight belt.

00:36:52.000 Heavyweight belt.

00:36:53.000 Could you imagine?

00:36:54.000 It's the first time I've never seen something like this again in my life.

00:36:56.000 Imagine seeing him sitting there with a heavyweight belt.

00:36:58.000 Imagine the experiences Mike Tyson had in his heyday and Eddie Murphy had in his heyday. 0.99

00:37:03.000 God damn it. 0.98

00:37:04.000 Yeah, excess. 0.99

00:37:06.000 Insanity. 1.00

00:37:06.000 Goddamn. 1.00

00:37:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:07.000 That kind of celebrity brings out the aphrodisiac. 0.99

00:37:11.000 Damn. 1.00

00:37:12.000 Oops. 1.00

00:37:13.000 There's so many crazy fucking dudes in this world that have competed in MMA. So many crazy dudes that have fought in boxing. 1.00

00:37:21.000 They're a whole life story.

00:37:22.000 If you had to, like, accumulate the wildness of, like, a Roberto Duran's life story.

00:37:26.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:26.000 Johnny Tapia?

00:37:27.000 You ever seen the Johnny Tapia series?

00:37:28.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:29.000 Watch the documentary on Johnny Tapia.

00:37:31.000 Really?

00:37:31.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:32.000 It's insane.

00:37:32.000 Mirita loca.

00:37:33.000 Drug addict, fight world champion.

00:37:36.000 Aaron Pryor, same thing, just below.

00:37:39.000 So many of these great fighters, just crazy wild lives, so much nuts, chaos.

00:37:45.000 Lending sometimes like Arturo Gatti getting shot and killed. 1.00

00:37:47.000 No, he strangled his fucking girl. 1.00

00:37:49.000 His girl killed him. 1.00

00:37:51.000 He got off in Brazil.

00:37:53.000 It was all in Brazil. 0.97

00:37:54.000 Set him up for the insurance, right?

00:37:55.000 Apparently he was hit on the head and choked.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, and they're saying he did it to himself.

00:38:00.000 Come on. 1.00

00:38:01.000 His family thinks she fucking killed him. 1.00

00:38:04.000 They got a picture of her getting out of jail. 1.00

00:38:07.000 She's laughing and smiling.

00:38:08.000 That's not how you feel.

00:38:10.000 If that is really your husband and you miss him and he's gone, first of all, you feel horrible that someone put you in jail for that when you miss him so much and killed himself.

00:38:19.000 And second of all, when you come out, you're not smiling.

00:38:23.000 It's like a celebration for her.

00:38:24.000 Yeah, this ain't a celebration.

00:38:25.000 You're still depressed because your husband's dead, because he killed himself, and you were just accused of doing it, and people still suspect you of it.

00:38:32.000 You should be depressed.

00:38:33.000 You should feel terrible. 1.00

00:38:34.000 You should feel terrible that the whole world is calling bullshit on you and saying that you killed him. 1.00

00:38:38.000 You should be under pressure. 0.99

00:38:40.000 She doesn't look like she's under pressure at all.

00:38:42.000 I saw a statistic today that said in Mexico, if you commit a murder, there's less than 5% chance that you'll do any jail time.

00:38:49.000 Oh my gosh.

00:38:50.000 How insane is that?

00:38:53.000 The people doing the murder are a lot of times so well connected.

00:38:55.000 You're talking about cartel violence now.

00:38:58.000 Where the cops are involved and everything. 1.00

00:39:00.000 That's why I keep my ass in America. 1.00

00:39:02.000 Yeah, you know what, man? 1.00

00:39:04.000 I have a real terrible feeling about the way our world is connected with these borders of countries. 0.72

00:39:13.000 We won't let people in and we keep people out.

00:39:16.000 In some sense, I kind of understand what people are trying to do, trying to manage what we can with our own space. 0.98

00:39:23.000 But if you're not managing your fucking next door neighbor, if you're not helping... 0.98

00:39:27.000 Say if you live next to a crazy broken down trailer and you can't move. 0.99

00:39:32.000 You have a permanent house.

00:39:35.000 This is your neighbor, man.

00:39:36.000 What are you going to do?

00:39:37.000 Are you going to help them out?

00:39:38.000 You know, his kids need some food.

00:39:39.000 Maybe he needs a little money for gas.

00:39:41.000 Like, yeah, you're doing a lot better than him. 1.00

00:39:43.000 Just give him a little every now and then just to sue this motherfucker's life. 1.00

00:39:47.000 Just sue this motherfucker's shitty life. 1.00

00:39:48.000 Mexico's issue is not that. 1.00

00:39:49.000 Mexico's issue, though, is institutions and the integrity of those institutions.

00:39:54.000 Professor Callan, at it again.

00:39:55.000 It's really true, though. 1.00

00:39:56.000 Okay, but I was making a point, you fuck. 1.00

00:39:58.000 No, but what I was trying to say is, these people, they shouldn't be like another country. 1.00

00:40:04.000 They're right there.

00:40:05.000 They should be people that we consider, you know, to be in a bad situation and try to help them.

00:40:10.000 Whether it's help them politically, help them financially.

00:40:12.000 Yeah, they're struggling, man.

00:40:13.000 But the idea that we're just, we're separate from them.

00:40:15.000 Like, there should be like a lot of emphasis on trying to fix Mexico. 0.95

00:40:18.000 And a less emphasis on fucking with countries that are on the other side of the planet. 0.53

00:40:21.000 Well, you want to fix illegalized marijuana overall in the United States, because the cartel drug war is what's feeding all this chaos. 0.90

00:40:28.000 That's a big part of it.

00:40:30.000 That's a big part of it, for sure.

00:40:32.000 And there's a big part of it is probably going to be a lot of the corruption that you're seeing.

00:40:38.000 Probably a lot of that's going to go away when things become more and more transparent because of the internet. 0.96

00:40:42.000 It's going to be harder and harder for people to pull off the kind of shit they're doing in Russia right now, where you see Putin's number one enemy just got whacked. 0.98

00:40:49.000 Unbelievable. 0.99

00:40:50.000 Shot right in the public.

00:40:52.000 Dude! 0.98

00:40:52.000 With his hot, hot girlfriend. 0.98

00:40:55.000 Good lord!

00:40:56.000 Really?

00:40:57.000 Good lord, sir!

00:40:59.000 Good lord!

00:41:01.000 Lord have mercy! 0.99

00:41:04.000 And he's got this smoking Russian girlfriend. 0.81

00:41:08.000 She's 23. He's been with her for three years.

00:41:11.000 Hello.

00:41:12.000 So it's love.

00:41:13.000 So he's walking down.

00:41:14.000 It's totally love.

00:41:15.000 They're very compatible. 1.00

00:41:16.000 He's walking down the street with her and a fucking car pulls up and just unloads on him. 1.00

00:41:22.000 Kills her too or no? 1.00

00:41:23.000 I think no. 0.89

00:41:23.000 Didn't even shoot her. 0.89

00:41:24.000 I think more than one guy shot her.

00:41:26.000 Shot him rather. 0.67

00:41:27.000 It was a hit. 0.97

00:41:27.000 And she's just standing there while they just shoot him in front of her. 0.97

00:41:30.000 Like bang, bang, bang, bang.

00:41:31.000 That's horrifying.

00:41:31.000 The dude's dead.

00:41:32.000 And now they just let her leave and go back to her country. 1.00

00:41:37.000 They allowed her to leave. 1.00

00:41:38.000 You think she cried or she's like, damn. 0.99

00:41:40.000 She's probably freaked out. 0.99

00:41:41.000 That's a terrible thing to see.

00:41:43.000 She's probably completely freaked out.

00:41:44.000 Could you imagine?

00:41:45.000 You're dating this dude and he gets assassinated because...

00:41:48.000 She probably loved him.

00:41:49.000 He was a really charismatic, awesome guy.

00:41:51.000 He was all about reforms.

00:41:52.000 He was a big critic of the Gremlins.

00:41:54.000 I'm sure that's why she was with him.

00:41:55.000 Well, it's cultural.

00:41:58.000 Everybody's got a different way of looking at things.

00:42:00.000 Police question girlfriend. 1.00

00:42:02.000 What are you doing, Jimmy?

00:42:02.000 She is...

00:42:04.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.90

00:42:06.000 That's as crazy as I've ever seen.

00:42:07.000 It just hit red hot. 0.95

00:42:09.000 Murdered Putin critic.

00:42:11.000 That's the murdered Putin critic. 0.99

00:42:13.000 Imagine if that was your title after you're dead. 0.99

00:42:16.000 You're the murdered Putin critic. 0.98

00:42:18.000 Because that's all people are going to remember about that cat.

00:42:20.000 Well, on CNN, it's tough.

00:42:21.000 When I was doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, I did it benching 315 pounds, right?

00:42:27.000 You did the Ice Bucket Challenge while benching 315 pounds?

00:42:29.000 Yeah, and I had Calen pour the water on me.

00:42:31.000 And the only thing I was concerned with is, I said, if it slips, like it falls off and hits me in the neck and I die, will it be on CNN? Will it be like, guy tries Ice Bucket Challenge, dies?

00:42:43.000 That's the only thing I was worried about.

00:42:44.000 You're not going to die for 315 pounds.

00:42:46.000 Drop it on my face?

00:42:47.000 I'm not going to totally drop it.

00:42:48.000 Your arm's going to stop working.

00:42:50.000 Well, with the water, let's say it slips off.

00:42:51.000 Have you seen the USC football player?

00:42:54.000 Yeah, I've seen the guy.

00:42:55.000 It's not going to be good either way. 0.97

00:42:56.000 Yeah, that guy was benching some stupid amount of weight, like 600 plus pounds, right? 0.97

00:43:00.000 Wasn't he? 0.96

00:43:01.000 No, this dude, the homeboy had I think maybe 400, 300 something and it slipped because the way they would do it, they wouldn't wrap their fingers around the bar.

00:43:09.000 They're just like this.

00:43:10.000 Oh God.

00:43:11.000 And his arms failed and it fell?

00:43:13.000 It just slipped off.

00:43:14.000 Oh no.

00:43:15.000 And he died?

00:43:15.000 He takes it off the bar.

00:43:16.000 No, he's supposed to be a pretty high draft pick.

00:43:19.000 Yeah.

00:43:20.000 Fell on him.

00:43:21.000 Obviously he can't do anything.

00:43:23.000 He just jacked him up, man.

00:43:25.000 He can't talk anymore.

00:43:26.000 Broke his neck, trachea, everything.

00:43:29.000 Can't speak. 1.00

00:43:30.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:43:30.000 I saw a different one. 1.00

00:43:31.000 I saw it was a white guy.

00:43:32.000 It was a power lifter dude.

00:43:33.000 Oh, I've seen that.

00:43:34.000 He was so fat that I think he's good.

00:43:37.000 Let's be real, bro. 0.98

00:43:39.000 He's so fat, I think he's good. 0.89

00:43:41.000 I think he's good. 0.94

00:43:42.000 There's an advantage to being that thick, man.

00:43:44.000 Well, a lot of guys get punched in the belly when they're fat, and the punch never even reaches them. 0.99

00:43:48.000 I mean, they've got fucking five inches of layer. 0.99

00:43:51.000 That's crazy. 0.99

00:43:51.000 Like, if somebody punches you legitimately, if somebody... 0.99

00:43:53.000 Like, you could fuck somebody up with one of those Taekwondo body protectors on. 0.99

00:43:56.000 You know, I've seen people get kicked and go to the hospital to the body. 0.99

00:43:59.000 But if you're a fat guy, you're walking around through life with a Taekwondo... 0.92

00:44:04.000 You ain't dropping Roy Nelson with a liver shot. 0.98

00:44:07.000 I'll tell you that right now. 0.99

00:44:09.000 Roy's gonna laugh if you hit him to the body. 0.91

00:44:11.000 Yeah, well, especially to the front of the body. 0.54

00:44:13.000 Keep him to the front. 0.99

00:44:15.000 Roundhouse kicked that dude in the stomach and really fucked him up. 0.99

00:44:17.000 He's the biggest mystery to me. 0.99

00:44:18.000 He fights over him next.

00:44:19.000 That's a good fight, son.

00:44:21.000 That's in Dallas.

00:44:22.000 Dallas.

00:44:22.000 That's a big card.

00:44:23.000 That's a good card.

00:44:24.000 What are you doing that weekend?

00:44:25.000 You around?

00:44:25.000 What weekend is it?

00:44:27.000 March 13th and 14th?

00:44:29.000 I will be in Chicago at the Schaumburg Improv.

00:44:34.000 And this weekend... 0.96

00:44:35.000 Sucks for you, buddy. 0.96

00:44:36.000 Where will I be this weekend? 0.99

00:44:37.000 I don't know.

00:44:37.000 You tell me.

00:44:38.000 Come on, man.

00:44:38.000 You're supposed to do my advertisement.

00:44:40.000 Lexington, Kentucky.

00:44:41.000 Brian Callen.

00:44:42.000 Off-Broadway comedy.

00:44:44.000 Oh, is that the name of the place?

00:44:45.000 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

00:44:47.000 Off Broadway in Kentucky.

00:44:48.000 Ryan Callen!

00:44:49.000 It's really off Broadway.

00:44:50.000 It's way off.

00:44:51.000 It's very off Broadway.

00:44:52.000 It's in Kentucky. 0.99

00:44:53.000 Far as shit away from Broadway. 0.99

00:44:54.000 You don't want to do comedy on Broadway unless it's only you and you open with the exact same shit every night and you do it as a performance piece. 1.00

00:45:03.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:45:03.000 You'd have to do a performance art piece. 0.98

00:45:05.000 With a box of wigs?

00:45:06.000 Yeah.

00:45:06.000 For them, it's very important if you're going to do a one-man show performance piece.

00:45:10.000 Like, guys do stand-up.

00:45:12.000 There's guys that have made a career off of doing stand-up as a one-man show.

00:45:15.000 Like that Defending the Caveman guy.

00:45:17.000 He's made a fortune. 0.96

00:45:19.000 Fuckload of money. 0.97

00:45:21.000 Also, he might be a redneck. 0.99

00:45:22.000 He did the same thing over and over, right?

00:45:24.000 Over and over.

00:45:24.000 Yeah, one-man show.

00:45:25.000 I didn't know he did that.

00:45:27.000 You talking about Larry the Cable Guy?

00:45:29.000 No, it's not Larry the Cable Guy.

00:45:31.000 Jeff Foxworthy. 1.00

00:45:31.000 Oh, you didn't even know your goddamn film? 1.00

00:45:33.000 No, he was always just a stand-up, I think, wasn't he, Foxworthy? 1.00

00:45:37.000 He had that show for a while.

00:45:38.000 He's still a stand-up.

00:45:39.000 He was part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

00:45:40.000 Is he still doing stand-up? 1.00

00:45:41.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:45:42.000 Killing it still. 1.00

00:45:43.000 You'll never stop. 0.99

00:45:43.000 I'll never stop. 0.99

00:45:44.000 Dude, well, fucking Larry the Cable Guy killed... 1.00

00:45:46.000 Nobody talks about Larry the Cable Guy. 1.00

00:45:48.000 He flies under the weather.

00:45:49.000 Under the weather?

00:45:50.000 Under the radar?

00:45:50.000 Under the radar.

00:45:51.000 He's got a fucking... 1.00

00:45:52.000 There's a picture that Josh Wolfe showed me. 1.00

00:45:54.000 Josh Wolfe and him did a tour together and they did a goddamn football arena. 0.99

00:45:59.000 And it's him standing on stage. 1.00

00:46:03.000 Josh Wolfe took a selfie of him standing on stage in front of 100,000 fucking people. 1.00

00:46:09.000 Or whatever the fuck it was. 1.00

00:46:11.000 What is one of those football things? 0.99

00:46:12.000 90% mullet.

00:46:13.000 50,000.

00:46:13.000 Let's say it's 50,000.

00:46:14.000 How many did they get in one of those things?

00:46:15.000 100,000.

00:46:16.000 Okay.

00:46:18.000 Failed!

00:46:19.000 For Larry the Cable Guy.

00:46:20.000 What?

00:46:21.000 Failed.

00:46:22.000 Is it 2004?

00:46:23.000 Look at that.

00:46:24.000 Look at that.

00:46:24.000 Look what you're looking at.

00:46:25.000 That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

00:46:27.000 That's Nebraska. 0.97

00:46:28.000 That's a big-ass stadium, bro. 0.99

00:46:30.000 Are you shitting me? 0.99

00:46:30.000 The big red? 0.99

00:46:31.000 Look at the size of that fucking crowd. 1.00

00:46:33.000 Is that from Josh Wolfe's Twitter feed or something? 1.00

00:46:37.000 Okay.

00:46:37.000 Dude, that's insane.

00:46:39.000 Look at that.

00:46:40.000 Dude, that's a sea of humans.

00:46:41.000 That's an army.

00:46:42.000 He could start a war.

00:46:43.000 He could take those Larry the Cable Guy-ets and send them overseas.

00:46:47.000 They could conquer countries.

00:46:49.000 One of his crowds.

00:46:51.000 I didn't know.

00:46:51.000 I gotta be honest.

00:46:52.000 I thought he was dead.

00:46:54.000 Yo, that's the entire population of Boulder, Colorado.

00:46:59.000 Yeah.

00:47:00.000 That is.

00:47:00.000 For reals, man.

00:47:01.000 He's killing it. 0.89

00:47:02.000 I didn't even know.

00:47:03.000 Honestly, I didn't know he's still doing stand-up.

00:47:04.000 Dude, he does that all the time.

00:47:06.000 He does that all over the country.

00:47:08.000 Yep.

00:47:08.000 He doesn't do that like once a year.

00:47:10.000 That's not like the once a year Larry the Cable guy.

00:47:12.000 No, he's...

00:47:13.000 Dude.

00:47:15.000 You think he's that redneck when you just hang out with him?

00:47:18.000 No, it's not even who he is.

00:47:19.000 His name is Dan Whitney.

00:47:21.000 Look, pull the video. 0.71

00:47:23.000 There's a video of him doing stand-up, and you have to watch it.

00:47:25.000 It's him before he did the Larry the King.

00:47:27.000 First of all, he's a great guy.

00:47:28.000 Not dissing him at all.

00:47:29.000 He's a super nice guy.

00:47:30.000 Always cool.

00:47:31.000 Very down-to-earth.

00:47:32.000 Always has been.

00:47:33.000 I met him, like, way back in the day in Montreal, before he was ever famous. 0.95

00:47:37.000 He was cool as fuck back then. 0.93

00:47:38.000 I've heard that. 0.97

00:47:38.000 We had some drinks together, hung out at the Comedy Works. 0.97

00:47:41.000 Just...

00:47:42.000 Very, very cool guy.

00:47:43.000 He might have a line at his front door.

00:47:45.000 But he had a...

00:47:46.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:46.000 He's killing the game.

00:47:48.000 He's married and, you know, he's having family and all that shit now. 0.99

00:47:51.000 But if he wanted to, yeah, he could. 0.86

00:47:52.000 But my point being is that this guy, like, created a character and was doing it on the radio.

00:47:57.000 And then that character became super successful.

00:48:00.000 And that's just, like, who people think of him as now.

00:48:04.000 But this is him.

00:48:05.000 This is him doing stand-up.

00:48:07.000 Good to be here, I'll tell you what.

00:48:08.000 You know, my...

00:48:08.000 I just went to visit for a...

00:48:10.000 Grandma, she's got Alzheimer's disease. 0.81

00:48:12.000 Try to put her in a home. 0.91

00:48:13.000 It's a nice place.

00:48:13.000 It's called, huh?

00:48:15.000 I'm kidding.

00:48:16.000 She laughed when I thought of that.

00:48:18.000 Wow, man.

00:48:19.000 So I thought I was just born a pure redneck.

00:48:22.000 No.

00:48:29.000 It's not fair to him to play this old material, so let's just cut it right there.

00:48:33.000 We got the point, but still, man.

00:48:33.000 Nobody wants to see anybody's material from 1987. Old school?

00:48:36.000 No, still doing comedy today when you started out like two years in and you're on some terrible TV show.

00:48:41.000 Think about when he's having a bad day.

00:48:43.000 And just has to play a redneck. 0.99

00:48:44.000 He's like, can I rip the fucking sleeves off? 1.00

00:48:47.000 Give me this mullet. 1.00

00:48:48.000 Listen, that dude's having fun.

00:48:49.000 He's having fun.

00:48:50.000 You don't think he gets sick of playing a redneck? 0.78

00:48:51.000 No.

00:48:52.000 Because he's...

00:48:53.000 He's performing.

00:48:54.000 He's a character.

00:48:54.000 It's a really funny character.

00:48:56.000 Super funny.

00:48:57.000 And he's got good jokes.

00:48:58.000 He's always writing new stuff for it.

00:49:00.000 I can't believe he's selling out Nebraska Stadium.

00:49:03.000 Ha ha ha!

00:49:04.000 Dude, he makes over $20 million a year easy.

00:49:07.000 Yeah, he's gigantic.

00:49:07.000 For sure.

00:49:08.000 He's gigantic.

00:49:09.000 Just doing stand-up.

00:49:10.000 And, you know, he's his own boss.

00:49:11.000 He does whatever he wants.

00:49:11.000 I think the goal now is to get a lion in my front yard.

00:49:15.000 That's right.

00:49:15.000 Callan, you want to go in on one?

00:49:16.000 Yep, I do.

00:49:17.000 Go in on a lion.

00:49:18.000 Yes, I do.

00:49:18.000 You can't go halfsies on an apex predator.

00:49:20.000 Yeah, I'll have it Monday through Friday.

00:49:22.000 You get it Saturday, Sunday.

00:49:23.000 All right, get around the kids. 1.00

00:49:25.000 No, the cat's going to have some fucking problems. 0.99

00:49:27.000 It's going to feel weird not know where its real house is. 0.99

00:49:29.000 There's a guy in New York City.

00:49:30.000 Cats can't have two dens.

00:49:31.000 That's true.

00:49:32.000 No, the dude in New York City who had a tiger in his apartment?

00:49:34.000 He had a crocodile too.

00:49:36.000 Did he?

00:49:36.000 This guy's awesome.

00:49:37.000 Motherfucker had like alligators and shit. 1.00

00:49:39.000 Feeding it whole chickens. 1.00

00:49:40.000 What the fuck did you think was going to happen? 0.99

00:49:43.000 What was the best case scenario with this giant alligator in your tub? 1.00

00:49:47.000 You might want to plan.

00:49:48.000 You might want to plan for it.

00:49:49.000 You had to call the cops.

00:49:50.000 You had to call the cops, man. 0.99

00:49:52.000 Well, the tiger fucked him up. 0.99

00:49:53.000 The tiger scratched him. 1.00

00:49:55.000 Yeah, the tiger was like, bitch, I'm living in a fucking apartment. 1.00

00:49:57.000 I need some exercise. 1.00

00:49:58.000 It was being a tiger.

00:49:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:00.000 You can't have a tiger in your goddamn apartment in Harlem. 1.00

00:50:03.000 No. 1.00

00:50:03.000 In his one-bedroom studio. 1.00

00:50:05.000 Yeah, the lion, the tiger freaked out, son.

00:50:08.000 You can see some crazy dude who thinks he's Neo in the Matrix, and he's got some long coat on, and he doesn't want anybody to know. 0.99

00:50:15.000 He's got extra bolts on his door, and you go inside, and he's got a menagerie of fucking animals in there, tigers and lions and shit, in his apartment. 0.99

00:50:23.000 I told you I got a tiger in my house. 1.00

00:50:25.000 You're like, this motherfucker really has a tiger in an apartment? 1.00

00:50:27.000 His thought clad over his head is constantly, I win. 1.00

00:50:30.000 Nobody knows, but I win.

00:50:31.000 I have the best pet.

00:50:33.000 I have the strongest pet.

00:50:35.000 Not even that. 1.00

00:50:35.000 He's like the fucking neighborhood mystery. 1.00

00:50:37.000 You know, nobody wants a pet. 1.00

00:50:39.000 He has zero friends.

00:50:40.000 If you have an alligator in your bathtub and your best friend's a tiger, a pet tiger, you have zero friends.

00:50:45.000 Okay, but let me look at it from his point of view.

00:50:47.000 What would you rather have? 0.98

00:50:48.000 An alarm system that you know no one's gonna give a fuck because the cops are never gonna answer it anyway. 0.97

00:50:52.000 Like, they kick in your door, your alarm goes off, whatever. 0.99

00:50:55.000 By the time the cops don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:50:57.000 You're dead as fuck, okay? 1.00

00:50:58.000 If someone's gonna try to harm you and you're in the Harlem, the cops are gonna stand outside until the dust settles and then move in. 1.00

00:51:04.000 They're not there for crime prevention.

00:51:06.000 True. 1.00

00:51:06.000 They're there to write tickets and shit. 1.00

00:51:08.000 Okay, so would you want an alarm system that everybody knows is bullshit or a fucking tiger in your house? 1.00

00:51:15.000 How confident are you with a pistol that you're gonna walk out with a stereo while you're holding off a tiger? 1.00

00:51:21.000 Bitch! 1.00

00:51:21.000 Bro, but that tiger, it's not like he was trained. 1.00

00:51:23.000 It's like, alright, someone's breaking, I better let this tiger out. 0.99

00:51:26.000 That tiger's fucking the robber up and you. 0.98

00:51:29.000 No one's getting out alive. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Well, probably once it realizes how fun it is to fuck the robber up, it'll just want to fuck you up too. 0.99

00:51:35.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:51:35.000 You know, be like, why don't I wait for this motherfucker to crack open a can of Hannah for me? 1.00

00:51:39.000 They just decide. 1.00

00:51:41.000 Fuck him up right now. 1.00

00:51:42.000 I don't want you stupid chicken. 1.00

00:51:43.000 Eat that face off. 1.00

00:51:44.000 They just decide. 1.00

00:51:45.000 Well, they want to kill things.

00:51:47.000 That's what we ignore when we put them in zoos.

00:51:49.000 The most torturous aspect of zoos.

00:51:51.000 It's like taking a man in his prime when he's just unbelievably attracted to women, right?

00:51:56.000 And then putting him in like a glass zoo enclosure and parading naked women around him back and forth. 1.00

00:52:03.000 Some people say that's an unfair example, but it's not.

00:52:06.000 Because nature has reward systems.

00:52:08.000 And the cats are the clean-up crew.

00:52:11.000 When you get a limp, your design didn't work well.

00:52:14.000 Guess what?

00:52:14.000 People with thicker anchors, they survive.

00:52:16.000 But thicker-ankled people survive, you thin-ankled motherfuckers gotta go. 1.00

00:52:20.000 Okay? 1.00

00:52:21.000 Thinning the herd. 1.00

00:52:23.000 Thick, fucking Samoan babies that can run fast. 1.00

00:52:27.000 That's what's gonna survive if tigers are everywhere. 1.00

00:52:29.000 In the San Diego Zoo, there was a jaguar, and the woman who tends to the cats was there.

00:52:34.000 And I said, if I walked in that cage, would that thing attack me?

00:52:37.000 And she said, it would kill you. 0.95

00:52:38.000 And I said, you didn't seem to hesitate. 0.96

00:52:40.000 She goes, nope, it's a predator. 1.00

00:52:41.000 It will kill you.

00:52:42.000 And I said, what are the chances you think of a human fighting something like that?

00:52:46.000 She goes, well, she said, what it would do is it would bite you, and it would keep adjusting its grip because its canines, whatever you call them, have nerves where they can sense where the juggler is.

00:52:56.000 So it would just keep adjusting and then get on your juggler.

00:52:58.000 My boy Cody Donovan worked at the morgue in the hospital where they put the bodies in. 0.96

00:53:04.000 And at the Denver Zoo, the lady at night who would feed the tigers and all that shit, she didn't lock it good enough. 0.99

00:53:13.000 She threw in the fucking T-bones in order that they give them, and then she thought it would automatically lock, and it didn't. 0.99

00:53:21.000 Messed up the door from closing. 0.99

00:53:23.000 So she's wheeling the cart. 1.00

00:53:25.000 This fucking Jaguar sneaks out from behind. 1.00

00:53:29.000 Boom! 1.00

00:53:29.000 And they said she died instantly because it's big ass canine. 1.00

00:53:32.000 Went all the way through her skull through the back of her neck. 0.99

00:53:35.000 Boom! 0.99

00:53:36.000 And Cody had to get the body and he said they had to look.

00:53:39.000 And it was just like this giant hole from the cat's canine.

00:53:43.000 Straight through.

00:53:44.000 Jaguar, too.

00:53:45.000 I mean, that's not even a particularly...

00:53:46.000 Well, they're pretty big.

00:53:47.000 They're a couple hundred pounds.

00:53:48.000 They're not huge, though.

00:53:51.000 They're not like a tiger.

00:53:52.000 They're bigger than leopards, and they're very powerful.

00:53:54.000 Well, they think that, yeah, jaguars are way bigger.

00:53:56.000 And they're in South America, too.

00:53:58.000 They're going to creep up here.

00:53:58.000 What do you know about a liger, son?

00:54:00.000 I think they say they're the most pound-for-pound.

00:54:02.000 I believe a jaguar is the most powerful cat.

00:54:04.000 I think the most powerful cat, pound-for-pound, is a house cat. 0.99

00:54:07.000 I think they said if house cats were big, if they were big like a lion or tiger, we would be fucked. 1.00

00:54:12.000 Yes. 0.99

00:54:12.000 Are you serious? 0.99

00:54:13.000 Yes.

00:54:13.000 You tame them.

00:54:14.000 You never domesticate them.

00:54:15.000 They still have all the same traits as a jungle cat.

00:54:18.000 They're just smaller.

00:54:18.000 They're very powerful.

00:54:20.000 Like when you see how far a house cat can leap for its body size.

00:54:24.000 It's crazy.

00:54:24.000 Well, have you ever seen that video of the tiger that jumps like 12 feet in the air to get a piece of meat?

00:54:29.000 There's a video of them holding this meat like above this truck for this tiger.

00:54:33.000 This tiger just leaps through the air to get the meat.

00:54:35.000 Well, look at how high the wall was in San Francisco when those kids were shooting at Tiger with wrist rockets.

00:54:39.000 No, they were throwing pine cones at it.

00:54:41.000 Is that what it was?

00:54:41.000 And Tiger was like, I'm gonna...

00:54:43.000 I thought they were shooting with wrist rockets.

00:54:45.000 No, they were throwing pine cones at it, supposedly.

00:54:47.000 Yeah.

00:54:47.000 I mean, it was a bit from my act.

00:54:49.000 And he got out.

00:54:49.000 Remember I had that bit about it?

00:54:50.000 About the tiger getting out and the look in the guy's face when the paws at the top of the glass.

00:54:58.000 I don't care who you are.

00:54:59.000 I don't care who you are. 1.00

00:55:00.000 I don't care who the fuck you are. 1.00

00:55:03.000 I would have loved to have seen that guy's face because no one can pretend that. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Killed one guy and fucked up another one. 0.98

00:55:09.000 I don't know if the guy tried to help his friend or what happened, but the second guy got killed, not the first guy that got attacked. 0.97

00:55:16.000 And these were the guys throwing the pine cones at them?

00:55:18.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

00:55:18.000 Damn. 1.00

00:55:19.000 The thing jumped the fence. 1.00

00:55:20.000 Apparently they can jump 14 feet, but this fence was only 12 feet.

00:55:24.000 And there was a big lawsuit, or threatened a big lawsuit.

00:55:27.000 I don't know if it was settled. 0.99

00:55:28.000 But because their fucking fence was too short, man. 1.00

00:55:31.000 The tiger just had never jumped before. 1.00

00:55:33.000 He'd never given a shot.

00:55:34.000 For sure someone needs to map that out better.

00:55:36.000 Well, my bit was if you got a monster in a box in the middle of the city, put a top to the box. 0.96

00:55:43.000 You went through all this trouble to build all this shit this way, and you're like, is that high enough? 0.99

00:55:47.000 Yeah, let's get out of here. 0.99

00:55:50.000 Someone decided the 12th, why don't I put a fucking top on it? 0.99

00:55:53.000 You got fake rocks. 1.00

00:55:54.000 You got a fucking pool in there for them. 1.00

00:55:56.000 How about a roof? 1.00

00:55:57.000 You fuckheads. 1.00

00:55:59.000 Why make it so it could jump out? 1.00

00:56:01.000 That's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:56:03.000 That's the dumbest fucking thing ever. 1.00

00:56:04.000 Zoos are lame in general, though, man. 1.00

00:56:06.000 When's the last time I went to the zoo?

00:56:07.000 I went to the San Diego Zoo.

00:56:08.000 That line was...

00:56:09.000 Pissing on everybody. 0.73

00:56:11.000 Pissing, man. 0.96

00:56:12.000 Walking back and forth. 0.89

00:56:12.000 That's as good a zoo as a zoo can get, but I don't like zoos. 0.89

00:56:15.000 That was the most exciting part, by far. 0.99

00:56:18.000 Zoos suck, man. 0.99

00:56:19.000 It's good for little kids. 1.00

00:56:20.000 I take my kids.

00:56:21.000 That makes sense.

00:56:22.000 They like to look at the animals, but it's depressing.

00:56:24.000 If you go...

00:56:25.000 Bums me out, man.

00:56:27.000 Especially the primates.

00:56:28.000 It's very depressing.

00:56:29.000 I was surprised at how poorly they actually eat, especially the primates.

00:56:32.000 They're not fed the kind of food.

00:56:34.000 It's very hard to feed them their natural diet, especially in certain ratios.

00:56:38.000 I don't think they feed the chimps.

00:56:41.000 First of all, they give them mostly vegetables, right?

00:56:45.000 A lot of them develop diabetes in captivity because there's no real set standard for how to feed a chimp as far as National Zoo.

00:56:53.000 What do they eat in the wild?

00:56:59.000 These chimps.

00:56:59.000 It was not good food.

00:57:01.000 It was not.

00:57:01.000 You know what they really like to eat, man?

00:57:03.000 They really love to eat monkeys.

00:57:05.000 That's right.

00:57:05.000 Other monkeys?

00:57:06.000 Dude, it's hard to watch.

00:57:08.000 You know, they didn't know it until the 1990s, I think.

00:57:11.000 There was that guy, David Attenborough.

00:57:12.000 Is that who it was?

00:57:13.000 Yep. 0.99

00:57:14.000 We did a nature documentary in the Congo or some shit. 0.96

00:57:17.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:57:17.000 And they followed these chimps and they had this hunting party. 0.98

00:57:20.000 They took down this monkey and they're ripping the monkey apart and eating it alive.

00:57:23.000 Little colobus monkey. 1.00

00:57:24.000 They see the thing screaming, the look on its face while it's eating it like ass first. 0.99

00:57:28.000 It's chewing on this thing. 0.99

00:57:30.000 Pulling it apart.

00:57:31.000 And the monkey's screaming like you can't believe it's getting eaten apart. 0.99

00:57:35.000 It's one of the most fucked up, disturbing videos I've ever seen. 0.99

00:57:39.000 You see them looking up in the trees. 0.99

00:57:42.000 The main one looking up in the trees and they're mapping where these monkeys are going and they cut off.

00:57:48.000 As a group, they cut them off.

00:57:51.000 They funnel them, they beat the trees, and they get them to go in a certain direction, and then they box them in.

00:57:59.000 Like West Side Story.

00:57:59.000 And then they just tear them apart.

00:58:01.000 They also found that young male chimps will band together and go kill other chimps from other groups.

00:58:08.000 I didn't know this.

00:58:09.000 They'll even occasionally cannibalize.

00:58:11.000 They'll cannibalize chimps from other tribes. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Yeah, our ancestors are assholes. 1.00

00:58:18.000 So are people a lot of times. 1.00

00:58:19.000 They do a lot worse.

00:58:20.000 Well, of course. 0.96

00:58:21.000 Or a bipolar ape.

00:58:22.000 We're not killing eating people, though, really.

00:58:25.000 Well, we are, but it's so rare.

00:58:27.000 We certainly are. 0.99

00:58:27.000 But if you look at the numbers, see how many fucking chimps there are in the wild, and they're doing this fucked up shit to monkeys, and then look at how many people there are. 0.99

00:58:34.000 If there was as many people or chimps as there were people, it would be cannibalized. 1.00

00:58:37.000 Chaos.

00:58:38.000 You wouldn't be able to leave your house.

00:58:39.000 If there was as many chimps as there were people, you would never be able to get to your car. 1.00

00:58:43.000 They would mug you every chance they got. 1.00

00:58:46.000 They would rip your fucking feet off and fuck your ass. 1.00

00:58:49.000 They would do whatever they wanted to. 1.00

00:58:50.000 Rip your feet off.

00:58:52.000 I think that would be the one animal actually you definitely don't want To have an encounter. 0.98

00:58:57.000 You may as well choose a croc because they'll kill you right away. 1.00

00:59:00.000 A chimp will just take your face off and your genitals off. 1.00

00:59:03.000 Gorillas are less likely to attack you. 1.00

00:59:05.000 Gorillas will fake you. 0.98

00:59:06.000 They'll fake charge you.

00:59:08.000 And you have to stay on the ground.

00:59:08.000 Just to scare you, right?

00:59:09.000 It's a mock charge. 0.99

00:59:10.000 They want you to get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:59:11.000 Just get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:59:12.000 You're staring at me, you crazy asshole. 1.00

00:59:14.000 And the chimp's going to rip your dick and face off. 1.00

00:59:15.000 But we're so soft, we think it's okay to look at a wild animal in its eyes. 1.00

00:59:19.000 That's how stupid we are. 1.00

00:59:20.000 Hi. 1.00

00:59:21.000 It's a challenge.

00:59:22.000 Hey, we're cool.

00:59:22.000 We're cool, man.

00:59:24.000 We're from National Geographic Society.

00:59:26.000 We just come to make sure your baby's okay. 1.00

00:59:29.000 Fucking crazy 800-pound silverback. 1.00

00:59:32.000 What's wrong with people? 1.00

00:59:34.000 It's right in your face.

00:59:35.000 He's got fangs and he only eats vegetables.

00:59:38.000 I know.

00:59:38.000 Shredded.

00:59:39.000 And the fangs are only designed to fuck you up. 1.00

00:59:41.000 And you can't even imagine what an 800-pound gorilla's strength is like, because you would think of it as like an 800-pound man. 0.99

00:59:46.000 But it would really be more like a 3,000-pound man.

00:59:48.000 It would twist your head off like this, man. 0.99

00:59:51.000 Like, just rip you to pieces. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Probably more than 3,000. 0.93

00:59:54.000 Probably like a 5,000-pound man.

00:59:55.000 For sure. 0.98

00:59:55.000 Some ridiculous number. 0.98

00:59:56.000 Look at the muscles on a 200-pound chimp, man, when they lose their hair. 1.00

01:00:00.000 Oh, they're disgusting. 1.00

01:00:01.000 Oh, crap. 1.00

01:00:02.000 Troll-looking, fucking horrible-looking beast. 1.00

01:00:05.000 Stared at those muscles forever. 1.00

01:00:07.000 If we had as many chimps as there were people, everybody's always down for chimps. 0.76

01:00:11.000 Look, I'm not saying we should exterminate the chimps.

01:00:13.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:00:14.000 But let's just be realistic. 0.99

01:00:15.000 If chimps were everywhere and they had full freedom the way people do, we'd have a fucking serious problem! 1.00

01:00:21.000 Yes! 0.99

01:00:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:00:22.000 Well, the first problem was someone said that was okay for those chimps to fucking hang out with us, man. 0.99

01:00:26.000 And if you don't think chimps will steal babies and eat them, you haven't been paying attention to the literature. 0.99

01:00:30.000 That's right, sir.

01:00:31.000 I haven't been paying attention because I'm terrified.

01:00:33.000 They will steal babies. 1.00

01:00:34.000 Baboons will steal babies for fun. 1.00

01:00:36.000 From each other.

01:00:36.000 Baboons I knew.

01:00:37.000 Baboons are wild as fuck. 1.00

01:00:38.000 Evil fucking cunts. 1.00

01:00:39.000 Yeah, baboons are bad. 1.00

01:00:39.000 Evil, evil cunts, baboons. 1.00

01:00:41.000 When you carry a baby on your back, it's not a good idea. 1.00

01:00:44.000 Baboons are creepy dog fucking monkey things. 0.99

01:00:48.000 Nobody's got a pet baboon in New York City. 1.00

01:00:50.000 Some people do.

01:00:51.000 Do they?

01:00:52.000 Yes, they do.

01:00:53.000 I don't know about New York City.

01:00:54.000 Well, they do in Africa, I know. 1.00

01:00:55.000 There's like baboons with fucking masks on them. 1.00

01:00:57.000 I feel like every time I'm in here, I'm terrified, man. 1.00

01:00:59.000 I know.

01:01:00.000 Every time.

01:01:00.000 Last time I left, there was volcanoes.

01:01:02.000 I was like, you're going to die any minute, bro.

01:01:04.000 Listen, this is what you do.

01:01:05.000 Keep away from volcanoes.

01:01:07.000 Don't run for office in Russia.

01:01:09.000 Make sure...

01:01:11.000 Don't get a baboon because it will challenge you eventually. 1.00

01:01:13.000 We keep the chimp population to a minimum. 1.00

01:01:16.000 Everybody was down for chimps. 1.00

01:01:17.000 If chimps were like squirrels, you'd be fucked! 1.00

01:01:19.000 You would be fucked if chimps were running through the fucking car. 1.00

01:01:22.000 Look at the muscles, look. 1.00

01:01:23.000 Oh, good, googly moogly!

01:01:25.000 Look at that thing! 0.99

01:01:26.000 Look at the muscles!

01:01:27.000 They're so strong.

01:01:29.000 There's a male.

01:01:30.000 Look at that.

01:01:31.000 That's the same chimp, I think. 1.00

01:01:33.000 But what's really fucked is... 1.00

01:01:35.000 He's got some balls and no dick. 1.00

01:01:38.000 That's what they all look like. 1.00

01:01:39.000 We just usually see them covered in hair and we don't realize it.

01:01:42.000 That's right.

01:01:42.000 He's got some thick wrists on that guy.

01:01:44.000 And those hands, built for brutality. 0.99

01:01:46.000 Look at his nuts. 0.97

01:01:46.000 Built to pull your eyes out of your head. 0.97

01:01:48.000 With no dick. 1.00

01:01:50.000 No wonder he's ferocious. 1.00

01:01:52.000 He has a dick. 1.00

01:01:53.000 He's probably playing with it, man. 1.00

01:01:54.000 He's probably holding it up with his extra long fingers.

01:01:56.000 You're not putting him in a rear You're not doing anything to him.

01:01:59.000 Oh my god, he would laugh at you.

01:02:01.000 Bro, look at that gorilla down there.

01:02:04.000 What?

01:02:06.000 Oh my God! 1.00

01:02:07.000 Jesus fucking Christ! 1.00

01:02:09.000 He's so big! 1.00

01:02:10.000 Oh my God, that thing's so big!

01:02:12.000 Six foot, six hundred pounds.

01:02:13.000 Again, not messing with a very big piece though. 0.99

01:02:16.000 Oh no, they have tiny dicks, as a matter of fact. 1.00

01:02:18.000 There's a difference. 1.00

01:02:18.000 And notice how he has tiny balls, too. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Here's what's interesting, give you a little science. 0.99

01:02:23.000 With primates, there's a direct relationship with the size of the testicles and the promiscuousness of the surrounding women. 1.00

01:02:30.000 So the more the women are just fucking everything, buck wild up in here, the more the dude's balls get big. 1.00

01:02:36.000 And that exists in cultures as well. 1.00

01:02:39.000 For sure.

01:02:39.000 I live in LA. My balls are huge.

01:02:46.000 Humans have the largest dicks, though, of all the primates per capita, you know, per size, per measurement. 1.00

01:02:53.000 Wow, I didn't know that. 0.99

01:02:54.000 Yeah, if you measure this pound for pound, our dicks are the biggest, because we're the biggest hoes. 1.00

01:02:57.000 Yep. 0.98

01:02:58.000 Not necessarily, like us and bonobos. 1.00

01:03:00.000 Bonobos fuck a lot, huh? 1.00

01:03:01.000 But our dicks are bigger. 1.00

01:03:02.000 The thing about gorilla's dicks and balls is that the gorillas are so fucking unchallengeable, they could have little tiny puds and they still get all the pussy. 1.00

01:03:10.000 Makes sense. 1.00

01:03:11.000 There's no one coming along. 0.99

01:03:12.000 There's no giant gorilla just stroking it, sitting by the side of the fucking pond, eating bamboo shoots with a giant shillelagh. 0.99

01:03:20.000 Just letting all the other gorillas know. 1.00

01:03:22.000 With a Shiva-like lingam.

01:03:24.000 Get over. 1.00

01:03:25.000 Fuck this one-inch killer you've been fucking with. 1.00

01:03:27.000 Because gorillas have one-inch dicks. 1.00

01:03:28.000 That's so disappointing. 1.00

01:03:30.000 But, if you look at it in a gorilla's way, a big dick is a big target. 1.00

01:03:33.000 You want to get your dick bit by a snake. 1.00

01:03:35.000 Might be the difference between survival and death when you're out there living in the fucking jungle. 1.00

01:03:39.000 You want a tiny dick with a pee hole so small that one of those little ball-eating fish can't swim up there and eat your ball sack out from the inside like they're known to do. 1.00

01:03:48.000 I heard back in the day, like in the Roman times, a big dick you were made fun of is like licked down upon. 1.00

01:03:54.000 Is that true? 1.00

01:03:54.000 No. 1.00

01:03:55.000 It's the same today.

01:03:56.000 It's like the internet.

01:03:57.000 The Roman days were like Twitter. 1.00

01:03:59.000 If you have a big dick on Twitter, yeah, but you fucking, the blood goes to it, you become a retard. 1.00

01:04:04.000 It's been proven the body can't support a dick that big. 1.00

01:04:07.000 The Roman statues, the aesthetic was to keep the penis small because it took away from the body and how hard it was to chisel like a realistic body and foot and all that out of the marble. 0.99

01:04:17.000 So you kept that area.

01:04:18.000 That's the story. 1.00

01:04:20.000 I bet there's a bunch of dudes jacking off on a statue of a giant cock. 1.00

01:04:24.000 They probably took the cock and they were buttfucking the statue in the middle of the square, backing each other up on the statue of this giant cock. 1.00

01:04:30.000 I just heard back in the day if you had a big ol' dick in the Roman times, they made fun of you. 1.00

01:04:34.000 Like you're an outcast. 1.00

01:04:35.000 No.

01:04:35.000 That's hilarious.

01:04:36.000 I don't think so.

01:04:37.000 Make fun, boys.

01:04:38.000 Go ahead.

01:04:38.000 Yeah.

01:04:38.000 Real funny, fellas.

01:04:40.000 Yeah.

01:04:40.000 Real funny, man.

01:04:41.000 Sorry about my heavy dick. 1.00

01:04:43.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

01:04:44.000 That's the one group of humans that will never get sympathy if you mock them. 1.00

01:04:49.000 Dudes are big dicks. 1.00

01:04:50.000 No matter what. 0.99

01:04:51.000 No matter what.

01:04:51.000 I mean, just different races, different nationalities, different genders.

01:04:55.000 There's all sorts of categories where you're not allowed to mock people because it's rude.

01:05:01.000 Even white people.

01:05:02.000 There's people get mad that you're mocking white people. 1.00

01:05:05.000 Like, man, why don't you fucking leave us white people alone? 0.99

01:05:07.000 You know, all the privilege that white people have, it's still not enough for you to be able to mock them. 1.00

01:05:10.000 Take your four pound dick and get out of here. 1.00

01:05:13.000 Dudes with giant dicks, you got a green light. 1.00

01:05:15.000 If you can find something about that guy that you can make fun of, if you can make fun of that dude, nobody's going to back him up. 1.00

01:05:21.000 Nobody's going to come along and say, hey dude with the big giant dick, you know man, I feel your pain. 1.00

01:05:26.000 It's the bullshit they're mocking your giant super fucking alpha hog, that giant dick that all the women want, that huge veiny monster of destruction that you're swinging. 1.00

01:05:38.000 The one thing that a dude cannot own up to. 1.00

01:05:41.000 I mean, we just can't. 1.00

01:05:42.000 No matter what you do, you make all the money in the world, that guy's got a giant dick. 1.00

01:05:46.000 And if he bangs her, she's going to remember. 1.00

01:05:49.000 She's going to remember that giant thing.

01:05:51.000 And you can't pay for it either.

01:05:53.000 How about Love Line?

01:05:54.000 We did Love Line and the open forum was Does Size Matter?

01:05:57.000 Literally every girl but one was like, absolutely. 0.98

01:06:00.000 Dudes will tell you it doesn't matter. 1.00

01:06:01.000 It's wishful thinking, bitches. 1.00

01:06:02.000 Dr. Drew was like, no, it doesn't matter. 1.00

01:06:05.000 Silly boy! 0.98

01:06:06.000 We're like, well. 1.00

01:06:07.000 Silly boy. 0.98

01:06:08.000 No, he said it does matter, I thought. 0.99

01:06:09.000 Well, he's got a piece on him, apparently.

01:06:11.000 Well, that's what they told us.

01:06:12.000 But at the end of the day, it was funny.

01:06:14.000 I need proof. 1.00

01:06:14.000 I need a dick big. 1.00

01:06:16.000 What's a piece? 1.00

01:06:17.000 Yeah.

01:06:17.000 It was like, guys, I took karate in high school.

01:06:19.000 Okay.

01:06:20.000 How much karate did you really do?

01:06:22.000 Well, I've been doing martial arts since I was a kid.

01:06:24.000 What'd you do? 1.00

01:06:24.000 You and your brother hit a brick with a fucking flashlight in your backyard? 1.00

01:06:28.000 Every guy exaggerates how much they bench and how fast a runner they were. 1.00

01:06:32.000 I ran a 4 or 540. Hmm.

01:06:34.000 Well, the NFL... How about your friend?

01:06:36.000 He goes, yeah, I ran a 4-6 in the 4-day.

01:06:38.000 I went, well, no, you didn't.

01:06:39.000 He goes, oh, I benched 385, though, three times in high school.

01:06:43.000 Oh, though?

01:06:44.000 Why would he say that, though?

01:06:45.000 I don't know.

01:06:46.000 He's admitting the first one was a lie. 0.99

01:06:47.000 Listen, that was bullshit, but I'm an Eagle Scout. 0.99

01:06:50.000 I'm an Eagle Scout. 1.00

01:06:51.000 I made that shit. 1.00

01:06:52.000 I did make Eagle Scout. 1.00

01:06:53.000 I got a badge.

01:06:54.000 I saw a grown man who was an Eagle Scout at the airport, and he was pushing 45, and he was an Eagle Scout.

01:07:01.000 He was in the full getup?

01:07:02.000 Sure was.

01:07:02.000 Oh, he's molesting kids 100%.

01:07:04.000 Yes, he is. 0.92

01:07:05.000 Well, he's a Scoutmaster.

01:07:06.000 Is that what it is?

01:07:07.000 Yeah, I mean, he might have earned the rank of Eagle Scout, but he's not in the Boy Scouts anymore.

01:07:11.000 He's, like, running these Scout trips.

01:07:13.000 He can make a... 0.99

01:07:14.000 That's some shady shit. 0.99

01:07:16.000 Oh dude, weird guys. 1.00

01:07:18.000 Join the military.

01:07:18.000 I remember I was a kid.

01:07:20.000 I was a kid and I was in the Boy Scouts.

01:07:21.000 I was probably like between...

01:07:22.000 I guess it was between...

01:07:23.000 So when I was living in Boston, so I think I was probably like 13. That was when I was in the Boy Scouts.

01:07:29.000 I was only in it for like one year.

01:07:31.000 Whatever it was, 13 or 14. I was living in Jamaica Plain.

01:07:33.000 And my mom took me to the Boy Scout thing and this fucking dude who was a Scoutmaster was hitting on my mom. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Like hard and my mom was like blushing and she was trying to be polite about it But I remember like this is creepy this dude's hitting on my mom in front of me And I gotta go camping with this asshole and he was like hey, what's up with your mom like she's married my dad You're getting extra marshmallows and shit. 1.00

01:07:53.000 I didn't get any extra marshmallows I went to camp with a bunch of fucking hoodlums. 1.00

01:07:56.000 It was a scary camp. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Really? 0.98

01:07:58.000 I didn't do any of the shit we're supposed to do I hid During the day, like, we're supposed to do all these different activities. 0.98

01:08:04.000 Took my fishing rod, went down to the lake. 0.98

01:08:06.000 I checked out early.

01:08:08.000 Joe, the individual?

01:08:09.000 I checked out right away.

01:08:10.000 Doesn't play well with us.

01:08:11.000 No, no, no.

01:08:12.000 Dude, there was ricochets, okay?

01:08:13.000 Dudes were, he gave kids.22s, and they were shooting at rocks.

01:08:17.000 And we're hanging out there, but there was, like, an archery range.

01:08:19.000 And while we're hanging out by the archery range, I hear... 0.99

01:08:22.000 And I go, what the fuck is that? 0.98

01:08:24.000 And someone goes, it's a ricochet. 0.99

01:08:25.000 I go, what do you mean it's a ricochet?

01:08:27.000 They're like, someone over by the rifle range probably hit a rock. 0.58

01:08:30.000 I go, it goes all the way the fuck over here? 0.91

01:08:32.000 Like, what are you talking about, man?

01:08:33.000 Yeah, just keep fishing, bro.

01:08:34.000 This is the Boy Scouts in New Hampshire, okay?

01:08:36.000 Listen, survival of the fittest.

01:08:38.000 They would take kids, pull them out of their cots, like pick their cots up, and tie them up and leave them in the middle of the woods.

01:08:44.000 And it was pitch dark.

01:08:46.000 You couldn't see your hand.

01:08:47.000 I went to camp out there.

01:08:48.000 I got molested.

01:08:49.000 Did you? 0.96

01:08:50.000 Yes.

01:08:51.000 What happened?

01:08:51.000 Oh, you talked about this.

01:08:52.000 I know, it doesn't matter.

01:08:52.000 You didn't tell this story on the podcast?

01:08:54.000 I don't know.

01:08:55.000 It doesn't matter.

01:08:56.000 It doesn't matter.

01:08:57.000 What are you, a girl? 0.98

01:08:58.000 You're going to tell us a story?

01:08:59.000 Yeah, dude.

01:08:59.000 Oh, it doesn't matter.

01:09:00.000 Tell the story, though. 1.00

01:09:02.000 Didn't Officer Greg suck your dick or something? 1.00

01:09:04.000 Well, no. 1.00

01:09:04.000 Someone sucked your dick? 1.00

01:09:06.000 With Dan, his name was Fistful of my dong, and I had a morning boy hard on, and I was like, what's going on? 1.00

01:09:16.000 And he was doing this, and I was like, I do this usually, why is he doing this?

01:09:18.000 I remember going, I do this, why is he doing this?

01:09:22.000 So I go to my buddy Donnie, and I go...

01:09:24.000 Uh, probably 11. And I go, I go to my buddy Don, I go, hey man, this guy, you know me, I'm like, this guy Dan was playing with my dick! 0.99

01:09:34.000 And my buddy John goes, he's playing with my dick too! 1.00

01:09:36.000 And Donnie goes, he sucked mine! 1.00

01:09:38.000 And I go... 1.00

01:09:39.000 I'm telling my mom!

01:09:41.000 So I waited like a little tiger in the tall grass. 1.00

01:09:43.000 He sucked mine. 1.00

01:09:44.000 Yep. 1.00

01:09:44.000 Donnie got his dick sucked. 1.00

01:09:45.000 He was getting it done repeatedly. 1.00

01:09:47.000 He wasn't like a violent...

01:09:48.000 Real quick, Callan got molested as a kid.

01:09:50.000 Sure did.

01:09:51.000 He wasn't a violent guy.

01:09:52.000 He was probably a guy who...

01:09:53.000 He had a beard, I remember, with a bald head, terribly non-athletic at all.

01:09:56.000 I threw a ball at him and he clapped like he was clapping at a bug.

01:10:00.000 And then he just loved boys.

01:10:02.000 And I went and told my mom.

01:10:04.000 What did you tell your mom?

01:10:06.000 How did you tell your mom?

01:10:07.000 Well, my mom wasn't there, so she didn't come for about two weeks, and he kept asking me why I wasn't going on more trips, because I was just taken.

01:10:14.000 I was, like, not signed up for any more canoe trips.

01:10:17.000 Was it just that one time?

01:10:18.000 Because you were there for two weeks. 1.00

01:10:19.000 Did you get your dick sucked by Greg? 1.00

01:10:21.000 No, I was there for longer than that. 1.00

01:10:21.000 I was in camp for two months, I believe. 1.00

01:10:24.000 Did he suck your dick? 1.00

01:10:25.000 No, he never sucked my dick. 1.00

01:10:26.000 How close did he get to it? 1.00

01:10:28.000 He just had it.

01:10:29.000 It was hard.

01:10:30.000 We were all in the tent.

01:10:31.000 It was probably me and a couple of guys, and he had his hand in my...

01:10:35.000 In my sleeping bag, playing with my little wiener.

01:10:38.000 So, give me like a jujitsu position.

01:10:40.000 Does he have you in side control?

01:10:41.000 Nope, I'm lying next to him.

01:10:42.000 Is he ski-polling?

01:10:43.000 And he's looking...

01:10:44.000 He's ski-polling.

01:10:45.000 Tents are small, bro.

01:10:47.000 There's three kids.

01:10:48.000 He's probably like this. 0.99

01:10:49.000 Two fistfuls, sucking Donnie off. 0.99

01:10:51.000 Well, I know that I was looking... 0.99

01:10:53.000 You were in a threesome with Donnie.

01:10:54.000 I was looking...

01:10:55.000 I had woken up like this.

01:10:56.000 I wasn't a threesome, probably.

01:10:58.000 Probably.

01:10:58.000 And...

01:11:00.000 This explains so much.

01:11:01.000 I know.

01:11:02.000 I know. 1.00

01:11:04.000 Why are you fucking rubbing your head? 0.99

01:11:06.000 That's gotta be an internet meme. 1.00

01:11:07.000 I know.

01:11:08.000 This explains so much.

01:11:09.000 So much.

01:11:11.000 Calvin was molested. 0.83

01:11:13.000 I was molested.

01:11:13.000 I don't know.

01:11:14.000 It's fucked up to laugh, man. 0.99

01:11:15.000 Why are you laughing at that? 1.00

01:11:16.000 That's so rude. 1.00

01:11:17.000 There's a big difference between being molested and then being fucked. 0.99

01:11:20.000 And so, you know, for me, and I knew that. 0.99

01:11:21.000 He was minorly molested. 1.00

01:11:22.000 You're crazy if you don't think Donnie was fucking him, too. 1.00

01:11:25.000 No, I think Donnie... 1.00

01:11:26.000 Donnie didn't want me to tell anybody.

01:11:28.000 And I was like, I'm telling my mom!

01:11:30.000 I almost got molested by a guy.

01:11:32.000 Came real close.

01:11:33.000 Didn't realize that the guy was creeping on me until the very end.

01:11:36.000 Neither did I. I thought he was nice.

01:11:38.000 I thought he was nice, but he was getting weird.

01:11:40.000 He was getting weird and he was showing up drunk.

01:11:41.000 How'd you know him?

01:11:43.000 I used to go fishing near this place called Jamaica Pond.

01:11:45.000 And Jamaica Pond was this place in Jamaica Plain, where I lived, that had really good fishing.

01:11:50.000 Like, I could walk to it.

01:11:51.000 Seems weird, but that's, you know, Boston, it rains a lot. 0.93

01:11:54.000 You know, you have, like, ponds and lakes and shit. 0.68

01:11:55.000 Like, sometimes near cities. 0.94

01:11:57.000 And this was a real legitimate trout pond.

01:11:59.000 And we would go fishing there all the time.

01:12:01.000 You'd catch bass there, trout.

01:12:02.000 But they would stock it with rainbow trout.

01:12:04.000 And I loved fishing back then.

01:12:05.000 I'd fish all the time.

01:12:06.000 I'd fish every day after school.

01:12:07.000 So much fun.

01:12:08.000 It was just peaceful.

01:12:09.000 And it's fun catching fish.

01:12:10.000 You know, it's like one of those things kids love it. 0.99

01:12:13.000 When I caught my first trout, I was like, holy shit! 0.98

01:12:16.000 I brought it in and I picked it up and I took it home and I cooked it. 1.00

01:12:19.000 I couldn't believe I caught a fucking trout. 0.99

01:12:21.000 It was very exciting to me. 0.99

01:12:23.000 Anyway, this dude used to jog by and he used to talk to me and my friend Josh.

01:12:27.000 I love how Brendan can't stop laughing.

01:12:30.000 We used to go fishing at this place all the time.

01:12:34.000 Dude's probably dead now.

01:12:36.000 Because I was...

01:12:37.000 It was before I moved to Newton.

01:12:39.000 I moved to Newton when I was 14. So I was living in Jamaica Plain.

01:12:41.000 I was probably 13-ish.

01:12:42.000 Somewhere around that.

01:12:43.000 And he's probably in his late 50s.

01:12:46.000 So he comes around and he'd ask us about fishing.

01:12:50.000 Like, what do you catch?

01:12:51.000 Like, sit down with us for a little bit and talk with us.

01:12:53.000 Very friendly.

01:12:54.000 And then he'd take off.

01:12:55.000 And he kept doing it.

01:12:56.000 Like, over and over again.

01:12:57.000 Come by.

01:12:57.000 Very friendly.

01:12:58.000 Softening you up.

01:12:59.000 Yep.

01:12:59.000 Softening us up.

01:13:00.000 Feelers.

01:13:01.000 He would offer us some food.

01:13:02.000 He would give us some food, like a cake or something. 0.99

01:13:04.000 He would probably rub his balls off. 0.99

01:13:06.000 I have no idea, right? 1.00

01:13:08.000 Probably give you like a cookie that he just had deep in his ass. 1.00

01:13:10.000 I had no idea. 1.00

01:13:12.000 I ran it over my crack.

01:13:14.000 Who knows what he did, right?

01:13:15.000 But I didn't know any better, man.

01:13:16.000 I was 13. I just didn't know any better.

01:13:18.000 I had one experience when I was younger, when I was like seven years old.

01:13:22.000 I was at a library in San Francisco.

01:13:25.000 And I was looking at these books, and I was looking at these monster books, and this guy came up to me like, you like monster books?

01:13:30.000 And I go, yeah.

01:13:31.000 And he goes, I got monster books out in my car.

01:13:33.000 I go, oh, really?

01:13:33.000 And I start going out to this guy's car.

01:13:36.000 And the lady, who's the librarian, screams out, Joseph, you get away from that man. 1.00

01:13:41.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:13:41.000 That man just got out of jail. 1.00

01:13:43.000 So I run away.

01:13:44.000 I'm crying. 1.00

01:13:44.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:13:44.000 He's probably going to... 1.00

01:13:45.000 Who knows? 0.99

01:13:46.000 Who the fuck knows? 1.00

01:13:47.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:13:48.000 Most likely molest me. 1.00

01:13:49.000 I dodged.

01:13:50.000 If it's a good... 1.00

01:13:51.000 Or kill you. 1.00

01:13:52.000 Could be killed me. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Dang, man.

01:13:53.000 I'm like seven.

01:13:54.000 At the most, I'm eight.

01:13:56.000 I'm not laughing anymore. 1.00

01:13:57.000 Scary shit. 0.99

01:13:58.000 So I had that in my past, like I remembered that, that I dodged that bullet. 1.00

01:14:02.000 So this dude, man, so stupid, man. 1.00

01:14:04.000 I had lunch over this guy's house before, just me and him. 1.00

01:14:08.000 This is where it started getting weird.

01:14:10.000 I peed in his bathroom, and one of the things he said to me, he goes, you're very developed.

01:14:17.000 And I said, what? 1.00

01:14:18.000 And he goes, your penis. 1.00

01:14:20.000 Your penis is very developed for a boy your age. 1.00

01:14:23.000 That's a very good thing. 1.00

01:14:24.000 I was like, oh, okay.

01:14:25.000 But he didn't get creepy with me.

01:14:27.000 I mean, I was over the dude's house.

01:14:28.000 Well, that's creepy.

01:14:28.000 It was creepy, but you know what I'm saying?

01:14:29.000 That's creepy as fuck. 1.00

01:14:30.000 He didn't try to fuck me. 1.00

01:14:31.000 He probably loved you. 1.00

01:14:32.000 He just said that.

01:14:32.000 Dude, whatever it was.

01:14:35.000 It got real weird after that.

01:14:37.000 So that was probably the beginning of the weirdness.

01:14:41.000 Hell yeah.

01:14:42.000 So I definitely told Josh. 1.00

01:14:44.000 I was like, dude, he said that my dick was developed. 1.00

01:14:47.000 He's looking at my dick and Josh was like, whoa. 1.00

01:14:50.000 And Josh was an interesting character too. 1.00

01:14:52.000 That kid knew a lot of shit. 1.00

01:14:54.000 He knew about weird sexual shit way early because his mom My mom was a lesbian. 1.00

01:15:01.000 I lived with this woman who looked like a truck driver. 1.00

01:15:04.000 It was hilarious. 1.00

01:15:05.000 He knew some shit. 1.00

01:15:07.000 He was a sharp kid. 1.00

01:15:08.000 He's like, dude, he's trying to fuck you. 1.00

01:15:10.000 This is going to get ugly. 1.00

01:15:12.000 We were talking about it. 0.65

01:15:13.000 Do you think he's a pedophile? 1.00

01:15:15.000 It was some weird shit. 1.00

01:15:16.000 So anyway, I started avoiding the dude. 0.98

01:15:18.000 And then one time I'm fishing, and there was two areas.

01:15:22.000 There was one area where Jamaica Pond was, was the big area, and then there was this other smaller pond that was off, like, you know, like a few blocks to the left.

01:15:30.000 Sometimes we would go to that pond, because no one ever went there, and it did have some good fish in there, and every now and then, like, it had different kind of fish.

01:15:36.000 It had, like, pickerel and all these different kind of fish.

01:15:38.000 So he shows up.

01:15:40.000 It's just me and him.

01:15:40.000 And this is kind of an isolated area.

01:15:42.000 There's a lot of trees and shit. 0.87

01:15:44.000 It's not like Jamaica Pond, which has this big running track. 0.97

01:15:46.000 Is he in sweats?

01:15:47.000 This is a sketch.

01:15:48.000 And he tells me that he loves me.

01:15:51.000 What?

01:15:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:52.000 And I don't know what to do.

01:15:54.000 I'm sitting there fishing.

01:15:55.000 And I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I like you too, man.

01:15:58.000 And he goes, no, no, I love you.

01:16:00.000 And there cannot be no true love.

01:16:02.000 There can be no true love without sex. 0.98

01:16:04.000 Holy shnikes. 1.00

01:16:05.000 No, I remember him saying that.

01:16:06.000 And I remember going, what?

01:16:08.000 And I remember I had a knife.

01:16:10.000 I had a Swiss Army knife, one of those little red plastic handle Swiss Army knives, and I had it in my pocket, and I put my hand on the knife.

01:16:16.000 And I didn't want to pull it out, but I wanted to have it on me. 0.99

01:16:20.000 And I remember thinking, I might have to fucking stab this guy. 1.00

01:16:23.000 Chop that dick up. 1.00

01:16:24.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:16:24.000 I mean, first of all, I'm probably going to get killed. 1.00

01:16:26.000 I'm 13. I didn't know how to fight back then.

01:16:28.000 And he's a big dude.

01:16:29.000 I wasn't big.

01:16:29.000 He was bigger than me.

01:16:30.000 He was an old guy. 1.00

01:16:30.000 Yeah, a grown ass man. 1.00

01:16:31.000 He's a grown ass man. 1.00

01:16:32.000 And if he knew how to fight at all, I was fucked. 1.00

01:16:35.000 I didn't have any martial arts experience back then. 0.85

01:16:36.000 It's one of the reasons why I started getting into martial arts is after this.

01:16:40.000 I figured I have to know something. 0.99

01:16:42.000 If this guy beats me up and fucking kills me and stabs me, no one's going to hear me. 1.00

01:16:47.000 I'm in this really kind of wooded area. 1.00

01:16:49.000 And so I told him, you better fucking leave me alone or something like that. 0.98

01:16:53.000 Whatever words I was able to muster being scared out of my mind at 13. And then years later, after I had moved, this is where it got really creepy. 0.98

01:17:02.000 He sent a letter to my house when I was like 16 or 17 or something like that.

01:17:06.000 Relentless.

01:17:06.000 Yeah, he sent a letter to my house many, many years later.

01:17:08.000 He found out where I moved to, found out where my house was.

01:17:11.000 I had never told him my house in the first place.

01:17:13.000 And this guy sent me a letter.

01:17:15.000 It was really creepy, man.

01:17:17.000 I read this long, it was almost like a love letter to me.

01:17:20.000 It was really creepy.

01:17:22.000 And I'm just thinking, if I see this guy, Jesus Christ.

01:17:25.000 He was truly in love.

01:17:26.000 Right alert.

01:17:27.000 Me and my buddy Michael in Saudi Arabia. 1.00

01:17:29.000 He fell in love with that dick. 1.00

01:17:30.000 Let's be honest. 1.00

01:17:31.000 He saw my juicy dick... 1.00

01:17:32.000 That's what it was. 1.00

01:17:33.000 And that's the turning point.

01:17:34.000 That's an insane story though.

01:17:36.000 One of the most traumatic experiences for me, I was in Saudi Arabia with my buddy Michael and in Saudi there was nowhere to play so you would just go play in these like abandoned lots and you know whatever we'd find cars that were old but you'd break them up as you're doing what 13 year olds do, 14, 13 and I'll never forget I see a guy I couldn't understand what the guy was doing at the trunk of his car.

01:17:57.000 I was like, what is that guy doing?

01:17:59.000 And I realized I got closer.

01:18:02.000 It was the most bizarre thing. 0.99

01:18:04.000 There is a guy in the trunk of the car with his ass out of the car. 1.00

01:18:08.000 So he had his ass sticking out of the trunk of the car, this giant hairy ass. 1.00

01:18:13.000 And another guy had his robe lifted up and he was standing there. 1.00

01:18:18.000 In Saudi Arabia? 1.00

01:18:18.000 Fucking, yeah, fucking the guy in his ass. 1.00

01:18:21.000 So I couldn't, I could just see an ass sticking out of a trunk. 1.00

01:18:25.000 And he had his, I was 13, me and my friend Michael, and he was jamming, he was fucking standing up, and I was like, and I go, I remember, I go, I was kind of the leader of us two, and I go, I see it, he looks at me, and he didn't say anything, he just looks at me with a blank expression as he's just drilling some poor gimp in some Cadillac. 0.98

01:18:44.000 And I go, Michael, let's run away! 0.65

01:18:48.000 I've never run faster.

01:18:49.000 You know when you can't feel your legs?

01:18:51.000 I was just like...

01:18:52.000 Scared, man.

01:18:53.000 Yeah.

01:18:54.000 Dude, I don't have any molest stories.

01:18:56.000 I do.

01:18:57.000 I have another one.

01:18:58.000 That's a crazy one, though.

01:18:59.000 So that guy, what did he do when he saw you running away from him?

01:19:02.000 Nothing.

01:19:02.000 Did he try to finish real fast?

01:19:03.000 Did he continue?

01:19:03.000 Just looked at me with heavy eyes.

01:19:05.000 And kept banging the dude?

01:19:07.000 Uh-huh.

01:19:07.000 Kept thrusting.

01:19:08.000 What do you think would happen if he just stood there unimpressed?

01:19:12.000 That's what you should have done, like rap style.

01:19:15.000 You just stood him down.

01:19:17.000 Let me know when you're done.

01:19:18.000 I'll show you how it's done.

01:19:20.000 Let me know when you're finished.

01:19:21.000 The worst audience member ever at a comedy club.

01:19:23.000 You know these guys?

01:19:24.000 That's the last thing you'd ever want to see.

01:19:27.000 Imagine that. 1.00

01:19:28.000 Are you doing that to him while he's fucking a guy in the ass in a truck? 1.00

01:19:31.000 Seemed better. 1.00

01:19:31.000 You got molested again, though, Callum? 1.00

01:19:33.000 Weak strokes.

01:19:34.000 Well, no, I remember I met an older dude, and he was a cool guy.

01:19:38.000 We hung out.

01:19:39.000 That's how it starts.

01:19:40.000 It always starts with an older dude.

01:19:42.000 We were in Wisconsin.

01:19:43.000 In a sweatsuit.

01:19:44.000 We're in Wisconsin.

01:19:45.000 The Northwoods of Wisconsin.

01:19:46.000 Summertimes.

01:19:47.000 And I remember I meet this guy, and there was this girl there, two girls, older.

01:19:53.000 How old are they?

01:19:54.000 I don't know.

01:19:54.000 Who cares?

01:19:55.000 Let's say...

01:19:55.000 Forties?

01:19:56.000 Thirteen or something like that.

01:19:58.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:19:58.000 Fourteen.

01:19:58.000 It was so hot.

01:19:59.000 How old were you?

01:20:00.000 Eleven, ten, something younger.

01:20:01.000 Oh, they're not that old.

01:20:02.000 Even younger.

01:20:02.000 Younger.

01:20:03.000 Because I'll tell you why I know I was younger.

01:20:04.000 So, I'm hanging out with this guy.

01:20:08.000 How old is he? 0.94

01:20:10.000 I was such a little pervert.

01:20:12.000 How old is he? 0.91

01:20:13.000 He's a grown man?

01:20:14.000 I don't know, but I'm going to tell you how I know he was a lot older.

01:20:16.000 This is the point. 0.99

01:20:21.000 I actually say we should try to have sex with those girls. 1.00

01:20:24.000 I'm trying to conspire. 0.98

01:20:25.000 I don't know how old I was.

01:20:26.000 Or at least I was like, we should try to see their Boobs. 1.00

01:20:29.000 I don't know what I was saying to him.

01:20:30.000 He goes, yes, that's a great plan.

01:20:32.000 So we're talking.

01:20:33.000 He goes, come, we have to go to the woods and come up with a plan.

01:20:36.000 Oh, no.

01:20:37.000 Yeah, so I'm like, all right.

01:20:38.000 So we go to the woods. 0.99

01:20:40.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:20:41.000 No wonder you've been molested several times. 1.00

01:20:43.000 The next thing I know, this is coming to me now. 1.00

01:20:46.000 The next thing I know, he pulls his pants down, and I notice how hairy his ass is. 0.99

01:20:50.000 So I go, that's weird. 1.00

01:20:51.000 There's his dick and his ass. 1.00

01:20:53.000 And he lies down and he goes, do you want to rub on top of me or no? 1.00

01:20:59.000 And I go, I don't think so.

01:21:02.000 Do you want to rub on top of me or no?

01:21:06.000 I was young enough to have to think about it. 1.00

01:21:08.000 Imagine if that's his fucking go-to line. 1.00

01:21:11.000 I swear to God! 1.00

01:21:12.000 How do you get these kids to fuck you? 1.00

01:21:13.000 Dude, this is all you have to do. 1.00

01:21:15.000 You lie down and you go, do you want to rub on top of me or no? 1.00

01:21:18.000 And they always just start fucking you. 1.00

01:21:20.000 And then a couple of kids go... 1.00

01:21:22.000 Yeah, sure. 1.00

01:21:23.000 Spit on your asshole and start pounding away. 1.00

01:21:25.000 They all do it. 1.00

01:21:26.000 It's like hypnosis.

01:21:27.000 But he laid down with his legs straight.

01:21:29.000 It wasn't like he was bending legs straight.

01:21:30.000 You want to rub up the top of me or no?

01:21:32.000 And I go, I don't think... 1.00

01:21:33.000 I looked at his hairy ass. 1.00

01:21:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:35.000 I saw the crack and I was like, do I say yes?

01:21:37.000 I was like, this is vaguely sexual.

01:21:39.000 And I go, no, I don't think so.

01:21:40.000 So then he gets up and he goes, all right, well, just hold on for a second.

01:21:45.000 And he starts, I'm going to show you something.

01:21:46.000 And I go, all right. 0.99

01:21:47.000 And he starts jerking off. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Oh. 0.99

01:21:48.000 And I go, I tickle my 2-2-2. 0.99

01:21:52.000 I used to rub it on the bed.

01:21:53.000 Tickle my 2-2?

01:21:54.000 Yeah, that's what my mother called it. 0.82

01:21:55.000 So I go, so he's wanking off.

01:21:58.000 And that was the first time he goes, hold on, ready? 0.58

01:22:01.000 Ready?

01:22:01.000 And I go, yeah.

01:22:02.000 And he comes.

01:22:03.000 On you?

01:22:04.000 He busted in your face?

01:22:05.000 No, not in my face. 0.99

01:22:06.000 He just shoots. 1.00

01:22:07.000 And I go, what the fuck? 1.00

01:22:08.000 I go, what's that white? 1.00

01:22:10.000 I couldn't believe seeing white stuff. 0.99

01:22:11.000 It was the first time I saw somebody ejaculate. 0.98

01:22:13.000 Bro, hold on. 0.98

01:22:14.000 You were watching this dude jack off in the woods for a solid four minutes.

01:22:18.000 Hey man, it just came to me.

01:22:20.000 What were you saying to him?

01:22:21.000 I don't remember.

01:22:22.000 It was so long ago.

01:22:23.000 Yeah, Jim.

01:22:24.000 Hold on, hold on.

01:22:25.000 What do you call this, mister?

01:22:27.000 Yeah, hold on.

01:22:28.000 He was like, watch this.

01:22:28.000 Wait for it.

01:22:29.000 Wait a minute.

01:22:29.000 Hold on.

01:22:30.000 Wait for it.

01:22:31.000 What's going to happen?

01:22:32.000 And then we went.

01:22:32.000 Then we left and we went and spied on those girls.

01:22:35.000 You hung out with him after that.

01:22:36.000 I did, I sure did.

01:22:37.000 You watched a grown man jack off, bust near you, not on your face, then you went to go find chicks with him. 0.92

01:22:42.000 That's right.

01:22:42.000 So you know what, man?

01:22:43.000 When you're 11 years old, weird shit can happen to you. 0.98

01:22:46.000 Not to this 11 year old. 0.99

01:22:47.000 You got lucky.

01:22:48.000 Hell no.

01:22:49.000 You got lucky, but I'm not saying that would have happened. 0.96

01:22:51.000 You would have stood around while the guy jerked off, but I am saying it's possible that a guy, when you were 11, could have lied down and say, hey, you want to rub on top of me or no? 1.00

01:22:59.000 And you would have been like, what the What the fuck? 0.99

01:23:00.000 You would have said no, 100% no. 0.99

01:23:03.000 I didn't say 100% no, for sure.

01:23:06.000 No, I don't.

01:23:07.000 I thought about it, because I thought that looks like...

01:23:09.000 The guy would be down there, you might be surprised.

01:23:12.000 Right.

01:23:13.000 I would not be surprised.

01:23:15.000 I just thought I could pretend that's a girl.

01:23:17.000 I could rub against that and pretend it's a girl.

01:23:19.000 You can pretend it's a girl. 0.95

01:23:20.000 What?

01:23:20.000 Wait, hold on.

01:23:21.000 Where the fu- Are you revealing- Is this a confession thing? 0.99

01:23:25.000 He wanted to let a little bit of it out, and we were talking about funny shit? 0.95

01:23:30.000 You're like, no, no, no, I still have to add some stuff that I did that was- I was thinking about him being a girl. 0.98

01:23:34.000 There's just a couple million people listening.

01:23:36.000 Biggest podcast ever.

01:23:37.000 This was last week, guys.

01:23:38.000 What?

01:23:39.000 This guy looks like the Iron Sheik in his prime. 0.99

01:23:48.000 I'll tell you what bothers me about the story is you watched him for several minutes jack off and ejaculate. 0.99

01:23:55.000 Sure did. 0.98

01:23:55.000 I just didn't know what was going to happen. 0.98

01:23:57.000 We found a video of the guy.

01:23:58.000 We have the guy.

01:23:59.000 Pull up that video on my Twitter feed of the Russian dude doing kettlebells in the snow with no shirt on.

01:24:05.000 What? 1.00

01:24:06.000 This is why you shouldn't fuck with Russians. 1.00

01:24:08.000 They're a different kind of human. 1.00

01:24:09.000 And everybody's freaking out about this Putin stuff, like Putin assassinated, or allegedly.

01:24:13.000 Putin's actually investigating it, and he's quite upset that this happened.

01:24:16.000 He's very upset.

01:24:16.000 He wrote a letter to the guy's mother.

01:24:18.000 So, anyway, bottom line is, Russia is a different fucking, it's a different beast. 1.00

01:24:23.000 He's still stuck on the jacking off. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Look at this video of this dude.

01:24:26.000 There's a video of this dude. 0.99

01:24:27.000 He's in the fucking snow in Russia, and he's doing the man-maker. 0.98

01:24:32.000 It's on the Keith Weber kettlebell cardio workout series. 0.99

01:24:36.000 He does the entire man-maker. 0.99

01:24:38.000 No fucking shirt on in the winter. 0.99

01:24:42.000 Hard to tell how much that kettlebell weighs. 0.99

01:24:44.000 It depends on the construction of it.

01:24:46.000 It's either 35 pounds or 50 pounds.

01:24:48.000 Is that an on it, Bill?

01:24:49.000 No, no.

01:24:50.000 This is the motherland.

01:24:51.000 They don't want on it up there.

01:24:53.000 Probably looks about 50 pounds, right?

01:24:55.000 That dude's in shape, too.

01:24:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:56.000 Oh, fuck yeah, he is. 0.99

01:24:57.000 Watch him do this shit, man. 1.00

01:24:59.000 The dude's stacked. 1.00

01:25:00.000 He does this with no shirt on in fucking Russia in the winter, and he talks Russian to his dog who waits for him. 0.99

01:25:09.000 You know why? 1.00

01:25:10.000 It's just a different breed, man. 1.00

01:25:11.000 Because this guy's throwing this fucking 50 pound kettlebell around like it ain't shit. 1.00

01:25:15.000 And he's doing it over and over again. 1.00

01:25:16.000 Switch hands, neck size.

01:25:17.000 If you survived Russian history, that was a distillation process. 0.95

01:25:21.000 This is some warrior genetics you're looking at here. 0.99

01:25:24.000 This guy's all fucking stud. 0.99

01:25:26.000 Oh, by the way, he might be 70. Oh, and both of you are lucky. 0.99

01:25:29.000 This isn't the guy who's trying to fuck both of you as kids. 0.99

01:25:31.000 By the way, you're damn right about that. 0.99

01:25:33.000 Well, this looks like a tall fella.

01:25:35.000 He's not a very big fella.

01:25:35.000 No, he's short, for sure.

01:25:36.000 But this guy's a tank.

01:25:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:39.000 Because he's rattling these fucking... 1.00

01:25:40.000 I mean, I don't know how much that weighs. 0.99

01:25:42.000 It might only be 35 pounds.

01:25:43.000 Dude, that looks pretty.

01:25:44.000 That looks heavier than 35. I think that's heavier, Joe.

01:25:46.000 It looks like a 50 to me.

01:25:47.000 It looks like a 75-er. 0.58

01:25:49.000 No, it would be 72, I think.

01:25:50.000 70 or 72. That looks heavy, Joe.

01:25:52.000 I don't know.

01:25:53.000 It might be.

01:25:54.000 It's the size of his head!

01:25:54.000 Yeah, but there's some ones that they make that are really light.

01:25:57.000 They look like that, but they're really light.

01:25:59.000 I've used them before.

01:26:00.000 I've used them before.

01:26:01.000 If you see those colored ones, you ever see the ones that are colored?

01:26:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:04.000 Those are light as fuck. 0.99

01:26:05.000 And they're big. 1.00

01:26:06.000 Big.

01:26:06.000 They look like you're using superhuman strength and it's like 30 pounds.

01:26:10.000 But that thing is as big as his Russian head. 0.95

01:26:13.000 He's got a big Russian head. 0.89

01:26:14.000 That looks like a real Dragon Door style or one of the Onnit ones. 0.63

01:26:18.000 It's all cast iron.

01:26:19.000 If that's the case, that's probably 50 pounds.

01:26:20.000 That dude's just way tougher than me. 1.00

01:26:22.000 Yeah, look at this motherfucker. 1.00

01:26:23.000 He's just switching hands. 1.00

01:26:25.000 Clean press.

01:26:26.000 The entire time we've been talking, this guy has never taken a break.

01:26:28.000 He's just throwing around this 50-pound kettlebell.

01:26:30.000 Kind of awesome.

01:26:31.000 I gotta take my kettlebell workouts way more seriously.

01:26:34.000 Are those ankle weights he's wearing, though?

01:26:36.000 That's the only thing I question. 0.99

01:26:37.000 No, those are fucking Let's Get Physical socks. 0.99

01:26:39.000 Look at the people behind them freezing, covered up like they're Bedouins. 0.99

01:26:43.000 That's a good time to live there, huh? 0.69

01:26:45.000 This guy's an animal.

01:26:46.000 This is the best way to stay warm in the winter.

01:26:49.000 Just keep doing this.

01:26:51.000 Maybe this is a strategy.

01:26:53.000 You know how you go to those cryotherapy places and they keep the inflammation down? 0.80

01:26:56.000 Maybe if you do fucking heavy workouts like this while you're in the middle of a snowstorm, it might actually aid your performance. 0.94

01:27:05.000 Bad idea. 0.99

01:27:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:27:07.000 Because, like, you think about what this guy's doing.

01:27:08.000 This is all about the burnout.

01:27:10.000 These are all, like, high rep exercises he's doing.

01:27:12.000 The blood's flowing.

01:27:13.000 Yeah, blood's flowing.

01:27:14.000 It's cold.

01:27:15.000 Pushing the inflammation out.

01:27:17.000 He's doing one-arm presses and then full deep squats.

01:27:20.000 So this guy, in the course of us watching him, we're assuming that's about 50 pounds, has probably done, like, what, 30 or 40 deep squats with that 50-pound kettlebell over his head, and he continues to do it.

01:27:31.000 He's an animal!

01:27:32.000 Yeah, he's an animal.

01:27:32.000 Look at him.

01:27:33.000 But doing it like this while it's freezing out with no shirt on, it also makes you keep the pace up.

01:27:38.000 You don't want to get cold.

01:27:39.000 That's a chow.

01:27:40.000 That's a chow.

01:27:41.000 The dog is a chow, ladies and gentlemen.

01:27:42.000 Socks are perfect.

01:27:43.000 He's got Olivia Newton-John blaring in his Russian-built car.

01:27:47.000 I think they're ankles. 1.00

01:27:48.000 This motherfucker's doing windmills, son. 0.99

01:27:50.000 Windmills after all this with that 50 pounds. 1.00

01:27:52.000 That shit is not easy. 0.99

01:27:54.000 I guess that's a chow. 1.00

01:27:55.000 That's one of those...

01:27:56.000 Yeah, that's a weird Russian dog. 0.93

01:27:58.000 No, it's a chow.

01:27:59.000 Nah.

01:28:00.000 It's 100% chow.

01:28:01.000 100% chow, by the way.

01:28:02.000 Are they Russian descent?

01:28:03.000 No, they are Chinese.

01:28:05.000 Yeah.

01:28:05.000 Which is right next to Russia.

01:28:07.000 Good point.

01:28:07.000 Well, alright.

01:28:08.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:28:09.000 That thing wandered into his yard one day. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Come with me, your friend, comrade.

01:28:13.000 Comrade.

01:28:14.000 You, live with me. 0.96

01:28:15.000 I give you scraps. 1.00

01:28:16.000 You bark when people come to me and I kill. 1.00

01:28:19.000 I kill and I feed you people. 0.99

01:28:21.000 He's struggling a little bit on this side. 0.99

01:28:22.000 Yes, he is. 1.00

01:28:22.000 This motherfucker's working hard. 1.00

01:28:23.000 That's a hundred reps deep, though. 1.00

01:28:25.000 Yeah, he's working hard, man.

01:28:26.000 Yeah, he's a stout little man. 0.99

01:28:28.000 This is a savage fucking workout for a no-shirted man in the middle of snow. 1.00

01:28:32.000 That dude wants to rape kids. 1.00

01:28:33.000 We're all fucked. 1.00

01:28:34.000 That dog doesn't give a fuck about the cold, by the way. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Look at him. 0.99

01:28:37.000 Look how much hair he has on, man.

01:28:39.000 It's pretty dope to be a dog like that and live in a place like that.

01:28:42.000 Everybody else is suffering.

01:28:43.000 Oh, this is what I was thinking.

01:28:44.000 Do you think homeless dogs have just the best lives of any dog?

01:28:48.000 Because they're outside all the time, and they do feed them.

01:28:51.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:28:52.000 Dogs are pack animals, so as long as they have a pack to be with, yes.

01:28:56.000 If they're alone, no.

01:28:57.000 No, no, no.

01:28:58.000 I'm saying they have an owner, but he's homeless. 1.00

01:29:00.000 This Russian motherfucker has not stopped. 1.00

01:29:01.000 Somebody needs to dub us talking about this guy over his video and send it to him. 1.00

01:29:07.000 Respect, comrade.

01:29:08.000 Respect, we give to you respect.

01:29:10.000 It's true.

01:29:11.000 He's a badass. 1.00

01:29:12.000 He's a fucking savage. 1.00

01:29:12.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:29:12.000 He's still going. 1.00

01:29:13.000 God.

01:29:14.000 He's still going. 0.99

01:29:15.000 That guy, that's a lot of goddamn reps this guy's done in five minutes. 0.98

01:29:17.000 He's in really good shape. 0.98

01:29:18.000 He's a crossfitter.

01:29:20.000 Please.

01:29:21.000 Don't insult, please, from Motherland.

01:29:24.000 These are kettlebells.

01:29:26.000 Then I drink vodka.

01:29:26.000 This is Russia.

01:29:27.000 I drink vodka all night.

01:29:30.000 Have you ever seen that picture of young Fedor in front of kettlebells?

01:29:32.000 No. 0.99

01:29:33.000 Maybe one of the best pictures ever of a fucking post-training session. 0.99

01:29:38.000 Oh, I need to see that. 0.99

01:29:39.000 Yeah.

01:29:39.000 Post-training session, great super athlete.

01:29:42.000 Because the kettlebells being a Russian invention, you know, like you see Fedor with all these kettlebells around him, it sort of signifies like this was a different motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:50.000 A man made from iron. 0.98

01:29:51.000 Russian Sambo champion. 1.00

01:29:52.000 Look at that fucking photo. 1.00

01:29:54.000 God damn, son. 1.00

01:29:56.000 And he was thin. 1.00

01:29:57.000 Well, he had very little body fat, but he was very thick, muscled back then.

01:30:01.000 Look at the back on that guy.

01:30:02.000 He had less body fat back then, but more muscle. 1.00

01:30:04.000 He was a big fucker. 0.99

01:30:05.000 But that's also, he's pumped. 1.00

01:30:06.000 Like, he's probably just worked out, in which you get real thick, because you're all pumped up in blood.

01:30:10.000 You don't get more masculine.

01:30:12.000 Than that, dude?

01:30:13.000 No. 0.98

01:30:13.000 How about the fact that he never gave a fuck about his gut? 0.98

01:30:16.000 He's just sad. 1.00

01:30:16.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:30:17.000 He's Russian! 1.00

01:30:18.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:30:19.000 Just went in there dropping bombs on people. 1.00

01:30:20.000 Is he married?

01:30:21.000 Yeah, he's been married and divorced a couple times. 1.00

01:30:24.000 He does paintings and shit, too. 0.99

01:30:25.000 He does? 1.00

01:30:26.000 He does art. 0.99

01:30:26.000 Yeah, he does drawings and shit. 0.99

01:30:28.000 It's not the best shit you've ever seen. 0.99

01:30:29.000 Well, it's not bad. 0.99

01:30:30.000 It does cartoons.

01:30:31.000 It's weird.

01:30:32.000 It's like the shit a real serial killer thinks of when they're out there smashing people's heads. 1.00

01:30:37.000 Well, his brother's a fighter and spent a lot of time in jail, I think, right? 1.00

01:30:39.000 His brother's a maniac.

01:30:41.000 His brother's a different level. 0.99

01:30:42.000 He's covered with prison tattoos.

01:30:44.000 On his back, there's a picture of the angel of death holding a baby. 0.99

01:30:48.000 Well, that's not gangster shit. 1.00

01:30:50.000 Yeah, it's all prison tattoo shit. 1.00

01:30:50.000 You've never seen it? 1.00

01:30:51.000 Pull that up.

01:30:53.000 Alexander Melianenko's tattoos.

01:30:54.000 He's in jail right now for rape.

01:30:56.000 Oh, no.

01:30:57.000 Really bad guy.

01:30:57.000 I don't know whether or not he did it, but he's definitely an alcoholic.

01:31:01.000 He definitely gets drunk.

01:31:02.000 He's very different than Fedor, whereas Fedor is completely composed, very disciplined.

01:31:07.000 Alexander also had some significant losses.

01:31:10.000 He lost in pride to Mirko.

01:31:12.000 Mirko head-kicked him.

01:31:13.000 Yeah, but this is like, look at his back.

01:31:15.000 It's like the angel of death holding a baby.

01:31:18.000 It's weird.

01:31:19.000 Yeah, he's got weird, like, he had these ones on his shoulders, but he had them taken off.

01:31:25.000 It was like they had these gang tattoos on his shoulders, but he had them removed and changed to some sort of pattern.

01:31:32.000 He's a... 0.96

01:31:33.000 You think anyone's fucking with that guy in prison? 1.00

01:31:35.000 Nah. 1.00

01:31:35.000 Jesus Christ, not a good idea. 1.00

01:31:37.000 That guy knocked James Thompson out in about 15 seconds.

01:31:40.000 Oh, that's right.

01:31:42.000 Yeah, he's a beast, dude. 0.99

01:31:43.000 Alexander Emelianenko is a beast.

01:31:45.000 You know, I mean, he got knocked out by Krokop, but he fought Krokop when Krokop was just on fire.

01:31:52.000 Do you think that there's dudes that just, like, they hit this, like, BJ Penn level, like BJ Penn when he beat...

01:32:16.000 I think Junior's not the same after those wars either.

01:32:20.000 No, I don't think so either.

01:32:21.000 But you've got to remember too, back in those pride days, those guys were fighting a lot more frequent.

01:32:25.000 So we got to see the very best when they were at their prime.

01:32:29.000 And now in the UFC, you fight, if you're a star, two times a year, maybe three.

01:32:34.000 Grant did people say, oh, cowboy.

01:32:36.000 I'm talking about a superstar.

01:32:39.000 He's fighting maybe twice a year.

01:32:41.000 Now think of us back in the day, we'd see him three, four times.

01:32:43.000 And you remember when they used to make these fights?

01:32:45.000 They put the fight together within, like, three or four weeks of the fight?

01:32:48.000 Yeah.

01:32:48.000 Like, what happens in the UFC when there's a fallout would happen in Pride all the time.

01:32:53.000 All the time.

01:32:54.000 Instead of, like, you having, like, eight weeks to prepare, like, they would tell you, like, a couple weeks out.

01:32:58.000 Like, occasionally there would be, like, a long wait, you knew.

01:33:01.000 Like, when the... 0.96

01:33:02.000 Open weight Grand Prix tournament pretty much we knew who it was but then last minute like guys were getting added Josh Barnett I think was one of the later editions I might be wrong about that though, but I mean you look at that lineup Barnett, Noguera, Crow Cop, Hunt Jesus fucking Christ Those days man. 0.92

01:33:19.000 Toughest motherfuckers on the planet Yeah, it's interesting when you think about that time, the Wild West days of Pride, you know, head stomps and soccer kicks on the ground when Vanderlei fought Tamora and he was holding off the rope and stomping on his face. 0.96

01:33:35.000 Bro, when Crow Cop fought Ron Waterman and soccer kicked him in the face? 0.99

01:33:40.000 Oh yeah, man.

01:33:41.000 Oof, I forgot about that fight.

01:33:43.000 Yeah, and Ron Waterman ate it too.

01:33:45.000 He ate a couple of those.

01:33:46.000 Waterman was one of my first training partners. 0.98

01:33:48.000 He tapped me out with his titties. 0.99

01:33:51.000 Got in my guard and just smothered me with his titties. 1.00

01:33:55.000 That strong, man. 0.99

01:33:56.000 Almost broke my nose.

01:33:57.000 Jesus.

01:33:58.000 I knew nothing at the time.

01:33:59.000 My training partner was Ron Waterman and Shane Carlin, my first two training partners.

01:34:03.000 They were just rotating on me and just dismantled me.

01:34:07.000 That's a terrible idea.

01:34:08.000 I wish I was your friend back then.

01:34:09.000 That'd be nice. 1.00

01:34:10.000 Did you have to talk shit? 1.00

01:34:12.000 No one said shit. 1.00

01:34:15.000 Shane was like, nah, this is making you tough, man. 1.00

01:34:18.000 I'm like, I know, man, but he tapped me out with his titties, and it's super embarrassing. 0.99

01:34:22.000 Okay, the tapping you out with the titties is the least of your concerns. 0.99

01:34:25.000 That is the least of your concerns. 0.73

01:34:26.000 We didn't spar.

01:34:27.000 Oh, thank God.

01:34:28.000 But you know what? 0.99

01:34:28.000 Ron used to whoop my ass, and then four years down the road, B-Shop was working on stand-up, and he comes in to spar, and I'm like, yes. 0.99

01:34:36.000 Oh, me and Shane put it on him. 0.99

01:34:38.000 Well, he was a big guy, but he didn't move that good.

01:34:41.000 No, he's real stiff, but so strong.

01:34:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:44.000 Crazy strong.

01:34:46.000 Do you remember Dan Bobish?

01:34:48.000 No. 0.99

01:34:49.000 Goddamn! 0.99

01:34:49.000 Dan Bobish was a dude who was in the... 0.99

01:34:52.000 He lost to Mark Kerr in the UFC where Kerr got on top of him and stuck his chin in his eye socket.

01:34:58.000 You used to be allowed to stick your chin in someone's eye socket.

01:35:02.000 So dudes would get a hold of your head, they would shove their chin, like get the mount or something like that. 1.00

01:35:08.000 You know, any position where they get on top of you, they can balance out. 0.98

01:35:10.000 And they would get their hand behind your head and then get your fucking chin right in your eyeball and just squeeze. 1.00

01:35:16.000 And, you know, your eye's on fire. 0.99

01:35:18.000 You get blowout fractures in your eyes. 0.99

01:35:19.000 Guys are seeing sparks and shit. 1.00

01:35:21.000 Some meathead shit. 1.00

01:35:22.000 You got a giant man like Mark Kerr. 1.00

01:35:23.000 I never even thought of that.

01:35:25.000 That's so vicious.

01:35:26.000 See if you can find that.

01:35:27.000 Mark Kerr taps Dan Bobish with his chin.

01:35:31.000 Yeah, I was there, dude.

01:35:32.000 I interviewed him afterwards.

01:35:33.000 It was the glory days.

01:35:34.000 Was his eye jacked up?

01:35:35.000 Oh, yeah, he had a tap, man.

01:35:37.000 Still may have the best body.

01:35:39.000 Still may have the best body in those American flag shorts of any...

01:35:42.000 Super nice guy, too.

01:35:43.000 Yeah, great guy.

01:35:44.000 Steve Kerr?

01:35:44.000 Yeah, Mark Kerr.

01:35:46.000 Super, super nice guy.

01:35:47.000 260?

01:35:48.000 About 260?

01:35:49.000 Always a very, very cool dude.

01:35:50.000 Regardless of what was going on in his life, if you saw Mark Kerr, he was always...

01:35:53.000 Your boy Ken Shamrock's fighting again.

01:35:55.000 Yeah, he's fighting Kimbo. 0.86

01:35:56.000 Crazy. 0.94

01:35:57.000 He's fighting your boy Kimbo. 0.97

01:35:59.000 Yeah, and you know what I said?

01:36:00.000 I liked about what he said.

01:36:01.000 He goes, I've earned the right to fight for fun.

01:36:04.000 He goes, yeah, I'm doing it for money.

01:36:05.000 I'm a professional, but I've earned the right to fight for fun.

01:36:08.000 He goes, I don't want to go play golf.

01:36:10.000 He goes, I don't want to go hiking.

01:36:12.000 I don't want to go hunting.

01:36:13.000 I don't want to go fishing.

01:36:14.000 He goes, I like fighting.

01:36:15.000 He goes, I like the camaraderie that comes.

01:36:17.000 We're preparing for a big fight.

01:36:18.000 I enjoy it.

01:36:18.000 But I love the way he said it.

01:36:19.000 You know, it's like very honest and refreshing.

01:36:21.000 And it's true. 0.56

01:36:22.000 He has earned it. 0.98

01:36:23.000 Ken Shamrock's goddamn all-time great. 0.99

01:36:25.000 He's a legend. 0.98

01:36:26.000 Hall of Famer. 0.95

01:36:27.000 And he had some fucking great technique back in the day, man. 0.98

01:36:30.000 Ken Shamrock, man. 0.99

01:36:31.000 Go to the early UFC when he tapped Pat Smith and fucked his leg up with that heel hook. 0.99

01:36:35.000 Ken Shamrock's a monster. 0.99

01:36:36.000 Dropped down for that heel hook. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Pat Smith had no idea what the fuck was going on. 0.99

01:36:39.000 He was fighting in Japan, right? 0.99

01:36:41.000 Way before.

01:36:41.000 Fought in Pancreas.

01:36:43.000 Yeah, he fought a bunch of...

01:36:44.000 We fought in Pride for a while.

01:36:46.000 He had some good fights in Pride, man.

01:36:48.000 Ken Shamrock had some...

01:36:49.000 He was developing some pretty decent stand-up.

01:36:52.000 Remember that fight where the PD, my heart, he had something going on with his heart.

01:36:56.000 His heart was beating too fast in one of his fights.

01:36:58.000 Remember that?

01:36:59.000 He stopped the fight.

01:37:00.000 I think it was Fujita.

01:37:01.000 But he was putting it on him before that.

01:37:03.000 I was really impressed with his striking. 0.74

01:37:05.000 Like, Ken Shamrock doesn't get enough credit because he fought Tito Ortiz when he was already, you know, past his prime and his knee was fucked up when he fought Tito.

01:37:14.000 The first time he fought Tito, he basically didn't have an ACL. Wow. 0.67

01:37:17.000 Like, he was fucked up. 1.00

01:37:18.000 I was at that fight with you. 1.00

01:37:19.000 And Eddie.

01:37:21.000 After the fight, it was crazy.

01:37:22.000 Like, you know, Tito was still mad at him and Ken said to him, he was just real honest about it.

01:37:26.000 He goes, hey, man, we made some money.

01:37:27.000 You know, we made some money.

01:37:28.000 Let's let it go.

01:37:29.000 You won.

01:37:29.000 Congratulations.

01:37:30.000 And he gave him a hug and, like, you could see Tito, like, noticeably calmed down. 0.99

01:37:33.000 You know, Tito was still mad even after he kicked his ass because of all the trash talking. 0.99

01:37:37.000 Ken's like, but look, look what happened. 1.00

01:37:38.000 It's like, all this trash talk, we both made a lot of money.

01:37:41.000 It's over, you won.

01:37:42.000 Yeah, but then it rekindled.

01:37:43.000 That's very mellow about it.

01:37:44.000 Then it rekindled, though, the second time.

01:37:46.000 There's more money!

01:37:47.000 More money!

01:37:47.000 Get some more money!

01:37:49.000 Come on! 0.61

01:37:49.000 Yeah, you're right. 0.61

01:37:50.000 Get this money, son.

01:37:52.000 I remember you and I, we talked to Tito after that fight.

01:37:54.000 Remember that?

01:37:55.000 A long time ago.

01:37:55.000 We went there.

01:37:56.000 Well, I ran into Ken at a diner at like 1 o'clock in the morning the night of the fight.

01:38:02.000 He was eating.

01:38:04.000 Night of the fight after?

01:38:04.000 I'm like, how do you do it?

01:38:05.000 Before it.

01:38:06.000 You know, it was into the morning.

01:38:08.000 It's 1 o'clock in the morning.

01:38:09.000 He's going to fight the next day.

01:38:10.000 And he's out at a diner.

01:38:12.000 And he was real.

01:38:13.000 He had been through so much.

01:38:15.000 He'd fought so many times.

01:38:16.000 20 days.

01:38:17.000 He goes, hey, man.

01:38:17.000 He goes, it only hurts after it's over.

01:38:19.000 Yeah.

01:38:20.000 That's great.

01:38:21.000 And he's like laughing about it.

01:38:21.000 He's like, so I'm going to go fight tomorrow.

01:38:23.000 Like, that was his attitude about it.

01:38:25.000 This is Mark Kerr and Dan Bobish. 0.99

01:38:27.000 Let's see if we can see the video of him putting his fucking cheek in his eye. 0.99

01:38:31.000 See, he got him in side control. 0.99

01:38:33.000 Beautiful back.

01:38:34.000 Look at the sides of this guy.

01:38:35.000 He certainly did. 0.99

01:38:35.000 And Dan Bobish is goddamn enormous. 0.99

01:38:39.000 Look at Bobish's legs. 0.99

01:38:40.000 So see the way he's grabbing his head with his arm?

01:38:43.000 So he gets on side control, and he gets on top of him.

01:38:46.000 Can you see it?

01:38:46.000 Did they have a good angle?

01:38:47.000 Poor production team back then.

01:38:49.000 Full mount.

01:38:50.000 Chin in the eyeball. 1.00

01:38:53.000 You can't see it in that angle, man.

01:38:56.000 Can't see it, I don't think.

01:38:58.000 I don't think they have a...

01:38:58.000 Well, if he goes to Mount here, we'll be able to see it.

01:39:00.000 That was it.

01:39:00.000 That was the tap.

01:39:01.000 It's over.

01:39:02.000 But this is the full sequence.

01:39:03.000 Let's see it.

01:39:06.000 Look how strong he is. 1.00

01:39:07.000 He's like, bitch, you ain't going nowhere. 1.00

01:39:10.000 Mark Kerr back in the day. 0.99

01:39:11.000 I think Mark Kerr wrestled at 188 in college, too, by the way.

01:39:14.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:39:15.000 He had a lot of creatine in his diet.

01:39:17.000 He certainly did.

01:39:18.000 He fought in pride, and he definitely didn't take steroids then, right?

01:39:23.000 Nope.

01:39:23.000 It'd be crazy to assume that.

01:39:25.000 I know.

01:39:26.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:39:27.000 That documentary was super brave.

01:39:29.000 Smashing machines?

01:39:30.000 Super brave of him.

01:39:31.000 I mean, he basically let them document his ascension into drug addiction. 0.99

01:39:35.000 And a lot of that came from fighting, like painkillers and shit he got addicted to. 0.98

01:39:40.000 It was everything. 0.99

01:39:41.000 Steroids, painkillers, like...

01:39:44.000 He's a great guy.

01:39:45.000 I haven't seen that documentary.

01:39:46.000 It's good, huh?

01:39:47.000 Yeah, it's pretty good.

01:39:47.000 This is actually pretty fucking good technique here.

01:39:50.000 For the day. 0.95

01:39:51.000 For passing?

01:39:51.000 Yeah, hell yeah.

01:39:52.000 Kurt was a hell of a wrestler.

01:39:54.000 Big collegiate wrestler. 0.99

01:39:55.000 See, you can't really see it here, but he's got his chin in his fucking eyeball. 0.99

01:39:59.000 Look at him grab his eye. 0.99

01:40:00.000 Look at him grab his eye. 1.00

01:40:01.000 Damn. 1.00

01:40:01.000 Look at him, see? 1.00

01:40:02.000 Jesus.

01:40:03.000 Yeah, I remember that, man.

01:40:04.000 That was back in... 1.00

01:40:05.000 Look at the size of that motherfucker, Jesus Christ! 1.00

01:40:08.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00

01:40:10.000 God damn, that's a big man. 0.99

01:40:11.000 Yeah, because I said, you wrestled at 188? 1.00

01:40:13.000 He goes, yeah, I put a little Miracle-Gro on my cereal.

01:40:16.000 Really?

01:40:16.000 Yeah.

01:40:17.000 Yeah, it was a different animal.

01:40:18.000 How's he doing now?

01:40:19.000 Not so good.

01:40:20.000 No?

01:40:20.000 He was selling cars for a while.

01:40:22.000 Lost a shit ton of weight.

01:40:24.000 He fought... 1.00

01:40:25.000 A few times since they got knocked out by King Mo, and he looked like really out of shit. 1.00

01:40:29.000 Oh, that's right. 0.99

01:40:30.000 Remember that?

01:40:30.000 Yeah.

01:40:30.000 King Mo smashed him in the first round.

01:40:32.000 Destroyed him.

01:40:32.000 It was really not fun to watch.

01:40:34.000 It looked bad.

01:40:34.000 He went to sleep.

01:40:35.000 And you could tell he was in a bad spot.

01:40:37.000 And then he wound up retiring from MMA, sold some cars.

01:40:42.000 I don't know what he's doing now.

01:40:43.000 I hope he's doing well.

01:40:44.000 I hope so, too.

01:40:45.000 He's a good dude.

01:40:46.000 He's always a good dude, but he definitely had his demons, man.

01:40:48.000 Like, a lot of those dudes.

01:40:49.000 I mean, you were talking about it.

01:40:50.000 You know, it hit you for a few months. 1.00

01:40:52.000 Those goddamn pain pills, man. 1.00

01:40:54.000 You can get... 1.00

01:40:56.000 Those demons can fucking haunt you. 1.00

01:40:58.000 You can get sucked in. 1.00

01:40:58.000 Dude, pain pills are the most dangerous drug in the world. 1.00

01:41:01.000 Hands down.

01:41:02.000 There's nothing more dangerous than prescription pills.

01:41:04.000 They're trying to slow that down.

01:41:06.000 They're trying to cut back in America. 0.81

01:41:07.000 I mean, they're starting to pass new legislation.

01:41:10.000 Too much money to be made.

01:41:11.000 When you say pain kills, you're talking about codeine, oxytocin, what?

01:41:14.000 All that.

01:41:15.000 Oxycontin.

01:41:16.000 Oxycontin, oxytocin.

01:41:17.000 But the thing being, there's still so much profit, even if they cut back.

01:41:21.000 Yeah.

01:41:22.000 There's still overprescribing.

01:41:23.000 Too much money in them, man.

01:41:24.000 There's just too many.

01:41:24.000 I mean, I get the idea.

01:41:27.000 Like, what would you rather do if you had, like, severe pain all the time?

01:41:29.000 Would you rather be addicted to opiates and just deal with that pain and be fine?

01:41:33.000 Or would you rather be absolutely miserable and sober all day long? 1.00

01:41:37.000 And I think you have the right as an adult to choose to be fucked up on opiates. 0.99

01:41:40.000 Yeah, but there are Addicting. 0.99

01:41:41.000 You have to depend on them.

01:41:43.000 And then you also got to realize when you take painkillers, it sends a message to your body that says, oh, we're doing fine.

01:41:48.000 It's healed.

01:41:49.000 We don't need to send those receptors to heal the muscle or bone, whatever it is. 1.00

01:41:53.000 So you're fucked, man. 1.00

01:41:54.000 Or you could smoke marijuana. 1.00

01:41:56.000 Goddamn, dude. 1.00

01:41:57.000 Damn. 1.00

01:41:58.000 Or you can eat marijuana. 1.00

01:41:59.000 You don't even have to smoke it.

01:42:00.000 Yeah, whichever.

01:42:01.000 You can get that CBD oil that people are using to help tumors.

01:42:04.000 But it's crazy addictive, man.

01:42:06.000 Help inflammation.

01:42:07.000 Painkillers, you get stuck on them, you're in trouble.

01:42:08.000 You're in trouble.

01:42:09.000 Yeah.

01:42:10.000 They're going to come up with a way to heal injuries that they don't have today.

01:42:14.000 And we're going to look back at these days like it was the dark ages. 0.99

01:42:17.000 Like, you know how we look back at using leeches and shit? 0.99

01:42:20.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:42:20.000 You know, when they had to saw people's legs off and they broke. 0.98

01:42:23.000 They didn't have to put rods inside your bone.

01:42:25.000 Like Anderson Silva's leg.

01:42:27.000 Guess what, son? 0.98

01:42:28.000 We're going to have to take that sucker off. 0.98

01:42:30.000 They would do back then. 0.99

01:42:31.000 It would fester and rot.

01:42:32.000 They wouldn't know what to do with it.

01:42:33.000 You'd die most of the time for antibiotics?

01:42:35.000 They probably braced it and some people survived.

01:42:37.000 What are the odds of you getting both legs connected perfectly?

01:42:40.000 Both bones, rather.

01:42:42.000 His leg snapped in half.

01:42:43.000 I had an orthopedic surgeon tell me that if you're in the wilderness, somebody gets a compound fracture, I said, what are you doing?

01:42:49.000 He said, pull. 0.54

01:42:50.000 I said, what do you mean?

01:42:51.000 He said, Your bone wants to go back in place.

01:42:54.000 Take that ankle. 1.00

01:42:55.000 Pull it out.

01:42:56.000 Pull it out.

01:42:58.000 And the bone will reconnect.

01:43:00.000 And then splint it.

01:43:01.000 So you're just supposed to line it back up?

01:43:02.000 Yep. 1.00

01:43:03.000 He said, pull that fucker right out. 1.00

01:43:04.000 And I went, oh! 1.00

01:43:05.000 And that's exactly what they do to you.

01:43:07.000 They will pull.

01:43:08.000 Really?

01:43:08.000 Do you ever see somebody, a doctor reset a shoulder when it comes out of the socket?

01:43:13.000 No, but I had a pretty significant break of my arm when I was a little kid.

01:43:16.000 Oof.

01:43:17.000 I remember them setting.

01:43:18.000 It would freak me the fuck out.

01:43:20.000 My arm went like that.

01:43:22.000 Like it was like bent up.

01:43:24.000 Like that.

01:43:25.000 I fell on the monkey bars and I tried to block myself with my hand and my forearm just snapped.

01:43:31.000 It just went crack.

01:43:32.000 Oof.

01:43:33.000 Yeah, it happens a lot.

01:43:34.000 It happened to my daughter.

01:43:35.000 It happens a lot to kids.

01:43:36.000 A lot of kids.

01:43:38.000 My friend's daughter, it happened to.

01:43:40.000 Another kid that they're friends with happened to.

01:43:42.000 But when you're a kid, it's all good, right?

01:43:44.000 Because they're so young.

01:43:45.000 They heal so quick, it's amazing.

01:43:47.000 Their bones just go.

01:43:48.000 They just fuse up.

01:43:49.000 They take the cast off in three weeks.

01:43:50.000 They're soft.

01:43:51.000 Dude, they grow like wolves.

01:43:53.000 The thing is, with little kids, one of the big issues is not even the bone healing that quickly because it heals so quickly.

01:44:00.000 As long as it's set correctly, it heals very quickly.

01:44:03.000 But it's the stiffness.

01:44:04.000 You don't want to lose the range of motion.

01:44:06.000 So that's what my daughter had issues with. 1.00

01:44:07.000 She had to go through some range of motion stuff that takes a couple weeks before the motion comes back.

01:44:12.000 But you compare it to the way you would be if you broke your arm at 48. It would take a long fucking time. 0.98

01:44:18.000 It's rough, especially if you don't use help. 0.98

01:44:21.000 Which is one of the reasons why I was willing to forgive Anderson.

01:44:24.000 And I'm not forgiving Anderson.

01:44:25.000 He doesn't need my forgiveness.

01:44:27.000 I'm just saying one of the reasons why I go, look, man, I'm judging the dude before he fought Chris Weidman.

01:44:32.000 I'm judging him up to this point when he's 38 years old and he gets knocked dead by this young stud.

01:44:36.000 I agree.

01:44:36.000 I go, that guy before that is the best ever.

01:44:39.000 And this guy is unfortunate. 0.75

01:44:41.000 The post-fail test is what sucks.

01:44:43.000 I can't. 0.98

01:44:44.000 I can't speak about this because I know some shit that I'm not supposed to know or that's not out there yet. 0.92

01:44:49.000 And once it does get out there, then we can talk about it. 0.96

01:44:51.000 Cool.

01:44:52.000 But the person who told me about it...

01:44:53.000 Legit.

01:44:54.000 Legit.

01:44:55.000 And...

01:44:55.000 We don't have time.

01:44:56.000 We just move on.

01:44:56.000 This is one thing for sure.

01:44:57.000 For sure he took some shit he wasn't supposed to take to make his leg healed. 0.99

01:45:00.000 For sure. 1.00

01:45:01.000 Can't explain...

01:45:02.000 There's a really goofy explanation.

01:45:04.000 I'll explain after the show.

01:45:06.000 Cool.

01:45:06.000 But it'll all come out eventually.

01:45:07.000 Moving on.

01:45:07.000 How about Burt Watson?

01:45:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:45:09.000 That sucks, man. 0.99

01:45:10.000 I don't know what happened there, man. 0.99

01:45:11.000 I heard a couple different stories.

01:45:12.000 I've heard a story, but I'm just saying, we don't have to talk details. 0.97

01:45:15.000 It just sucks he's gone, man.

01:45:16.000 Yeah, he quit, apparently. 0.94

01:45:17.000 That's the word is that he quit.

01:45:19.000 He got in an altercation with someone or something.

01:45:20.000 I don't know what happened.

01:45:21.000 Or he'd just get tired of it, man. 0.99

01:45:23.000 The guy was traveling to fucking China and traveling to this place and that place in Brazil. 0.98

01:45:27.000 He was the manager of Joe Frazier. 0.98

01:45:29.000 Yeah, he's been around a long time.

01:45:30.000 Crazy, right?

01:45:31.000 And he's the nicest guy.

01:45:32.000 One of the best human beings you've ever met in your entire life.

01:45:35.000 One of the nicest guys ever.

01:45:36.000 I don't know what happened.

01:45:37.000 They don't make two Burt Watsons, ever.

01:45:39.000 I agree.

01:45:40.000 Irreplaceable.

01:45:40.000 I gave him that nickname, Babyshit to the Stars.

01:45:43.000 Oh, really?

01:45:43.000 Yeah, that was my nickname.

01:45:44.000 I used to say it when he got on stage, when he would get on stage.

01:45:47.000 Oh, that's right.

01:45:48.000 He would say, Burt Watson, babysit to the stars.

01:45:50.000 Because that's what he does.

01:45:51.000 He babysits everybody.

01:45:52.000 He makes everybody's experience at the UFC smooth and easy. 1.00

01:45:56.000 He takes care of all your shit. 0.98

01:45:57.000 And so that when these fighters would fight, they would have this welcome feeling of being at home because Burt Watson was there to take care of everything. 0.99

01:46:03.000 You were talking about that.

01:46:04.000 When you'd see him, everything would be okay.

01:46:06.000 Yeah, I mean, when you're going to fight these monsters and you check into the fighter hotel and it's like chaos, there's fans, and then you see Burt and he's just like, what's up, baby?

01:46:15.000 Everything's smooth, makes you feel calm.

01:46:18.000 Even in the back of the locker room, don't leave it to the judges.

01:46:21.000 Like, before I fought Travis Brown, remember that?

01:46:23.000 Don't leave it to the judges, boss.

01:46:25.000 Don't leave it to the judges.

01:46:26.000 They made you cry last time, I told you.

01:46:28.000 And he talks to you, and there's this comfort level where...

01:46:32.000 I don't know if anyone else in the world could do it, man.

01:46:35.000 And he was so damn good at it.

01:46:37.000 He's a genuinely really nice guy.

01:46:39.000 Great human being.

01:46:40.000 So when he's doing that, you know, he's pumping everybody up.

01:46:42.000 That's his nature.

01:46:43.000 His nature is to pump you up to make you feel good.

01:46:45.000 He wants you to feel good when you see Bert Kreischer.

01:46:48.000 There's not a time that I saw that guy that I didn't give him a big giant hug.

01:46:51.000 Burt Kreischer are you talking about?

01:46:52.000 No.

01:46:53.000 Burt Watson.

01:46:54.000 Who said Kreischer?

01:46:55.000 Did I say Kreischer?

01:46:55.000 Did I? I was like, yeah.

01:46:57.000 Well, he's another one I love.

01:46:57.000 I was like, that's probably a good guy, too.

01:46:58.000 He's going to be here tomorrow.

01:46:59.000 He's a great guy.

01:47:00.000 Nice.

01:47:00.000 But Burt Watson.

01:47:01.000 Sorry.

01:47:02.000 Burt Watson.

01:47:02.000 Burt Watson was the guy who...

01:47:04.000 He would make guys on the undercard feel like they were the main event.

01:47:08.000 You felt like you were literally the only guy fighting that night.

01:47:11.000 Like, he was just amazing.

01:47:12.000 But every time you would see him, you would hug him.

01:47:14.000 Just like, that's what...

01:47:14.000 He was just such a sweet guy.

01:47:16.000 Those intangibles.

01:47:17.000 Some people just have that...

01:47:18.000 That quality, that sort of...

01:47:20.000 Well, you know what the problem is, man?

01:47:21.000 It seems like a job that other people could do.

01:47:23.000 So it says, like, you know, maybe sometimes people don't appreciate...

01:47:25.000 I think you'd be surprised.

01:47:27.000 Yeah.

01:47:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:47:28.000 It seems like it.

01:47:28.000 When you look at it.

01:47:29.000 Like, what's he doing that's so important?

01:47:31.000 You know, like, why is this guy...

01:47:32.000 Why is he getting all this attention?

01:47:33.000 You can't write it down on paper.

01:47:34.000 Like, some people would look at it that way.

01:47:35.000 No, you can't.

01:47:35.000 What he does, you can't, like...

01:47:37.000 There's not a job description.

01:47:38.000 Okay, oh, you deal with divas and you deal with some of the toughest guys on the planet, and you make sure their week is smooth.

01:47:45.000 I get it.

01:47:45.000 Yeah, I can do that.

01:47:46.000 I'm telling you, man, it's gonna be a beast.

01:47:49.000 Yeah, I mean, I think other people probably could do it, but no one's gonna replace him.

01:47:52.000 He is his own unique individual, and he's a beautiful guy to be around.

01:47:57.000 I just think that's worth something.

01:47:59.000 I don't know.

01:48:00.000 I would've never let the guy quit.

01:48:01.000 Some people have a weird...

01:48:02.000 This guy, we used to train American Bulldogs for attack training.

01:48:07.000 And he had this dog on a leash called Axe, and we went and saw all those dogs because at the time I was thinking about buying an American Bulldog.

01:48:14.000 And he said, you can't go near that dog over there.

01:48:16.000 I said, okay.

01:48:17.000 He goes, yeah, he's by train.

01:48:18.000 He's a mean boy and everything.

01:48:21.000 And then they were talking about how there was a guy who just could walk up to every single dog he had in that whole lot, and he had a bunch of them.

01:48:30.000 And at one point, Axe was just the only person that Axe lets near him is this dude.

01:48:35.000 And they didn't tell him not to go up to Axe.

01:48:38.000 And he walked up to Axe.

01:48:39.000 And the next thing you know, he saw the guy get down on his knees and open his arms and hug Axe.

01:48:43.000 And Axe was wagging.

01:48:47.000 Axe didn't rip his throat.

01:48:47.000 He just had a thing.

01:48:50.000 We're good to go.

01:48:55.000 We're good to go.

01:48:59.000 We're good to go.

01:49:02.000 We're good to go.

01:49:06.000 We're good to go.

01:49:13.000 In the desert who meets a leopard and they have defected by a woman named Lavinia Currier.

01:49:18.000 And I had a meeting with her and she said, well, we're looking for an actor.

01:49:22.000 The only issue is that the leopard will either like you or it won't like you.

01:49:27.000 If it doesn't like you, it'll never like you.

01:49:29.000 If it likes you, you'll be fine.

01:49:30.000 And that was a huge part of getting cast in the role.

01:49:33.000 And I said, what is it?

01:49:34.000 What is it?

01:49:35.000 How does it know?

01:49:36.000 How does it know?

01:49:36.000 And she said, we don't know.

01:49:38.000 It's maybe a scent or however you move, but it likes you.

01:49:41.000 You get the part.

01:49:42.000 Yeah, so getting the part's one thing, and then you have to go through the leopard test. 1.00

01:49:45.000 Oh, fucking Christ. 0.98

01:49:46.000 I was like, very interesting. 1.00

01:49:47.000 Did you go through the leopard test?

01:49:48.000 No, I sure didn't.

01:49:48.000 I didn't get the part.

01:49:50.000 Not that good in acting.

01:49:51.000 So what were you thinking when he gets on his knees in front of the dog?

01:49:54.000 I'm sorry?

01:49:54.000 I didn't see that.

01:49:55.000 I didn't see it.

01:49:56.000 I was just told the story.

01:49:59.000 I don't like those stories that you weren't there for.

01:50:01.000 Don't tell those.

01:50:02.000 Yeah, I know.

01:50:03.000 Tell another guy's story.

01:50:04.000 Yeah, those are not good.

01:50:05.000 You know why? 0.99

01:50:05.000 Because they might be bullshit. 0.99

01:50:07.000 I know. 1.00

01:50:07.000 I hate those stories. 1.00

01:50:08.000 No, because somebody else was there.

01:50:09.000 You're freaking me out, man.

01:50:10.000 Yeah, but it might have been exaggerated.

01:50:11.000 The dog might have been super friendly.

01:50:13.000 I saw a video.

01:50:14.000 It was a wiener dog, so there's no threat at all.

01:50:17.000 I went over my friend's house, and they're like, yeah, everybody's like, oh, his dog's scary.

01:50:21.000 I'm like, why, because it's a German Shepherd.

01:50:22.000 It's a friendly dog.

01:50:23.000 Comes over, wagging his tail.

01:50:24.000 Everyone thinks Pitbull's a scary dog.

01:50:25.000 Well, you and I were talking about the difference between a liar and an exaggerator, right?

01:50:29.000 Yeah, you just took me down a journey where you don't know if you have no veracity.

01:50:33.000 You're Brian Williams of the podcast. 0.99

01:50:35.000 Damn it! 0.99

01:50:35.000 Do you see the meme of Brian Williams saying he escaped one of Ronda Rouse's arm bars? 0.99

01:50:42.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:50:43.000 That guy's fucked, huh? 1.00

01:50:45.000 He's only out six months, man. 1.00

01:50:46.000 What the fuck ever? 0.99

01:50:48.000 It doesn't matter. 0.99

01:50:48.000 Dude, it's over, son. 0.99

01:50:50.000 You think? 1.00

01:50:50.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:50:51.000 Fuck yes! 1.00

01:50:52.000 You guys are crazy. 1.00

01:50:53.000 America, forget them. 1.00

01:50:54.000 Don't do a press conference.

01:50:55.000 Yeah, because no one can do that. 0.96

01:50:57.000 Listen, if I wanted to be a fucking newscaster tomorrow, if it wasn't for my checkered past, if I wanted to do it tomorrow. 0.97

01:51:03.000 You ain't doing it. 0.99

01:51:05.000 Tomorrow.

01:51:05.000 This is a clean record.

01:51:07.000 There's way too many endorsements of illegal drugs of mine online.

01:51:11.000 Also, you and I are friends.

01:51:13.000 We're friends.

01:51:13.000 If you found out I told a major lie like that.

01:51:15.000 Like that dog story of the Taekwondo.

01:51:17.000 Which one?

01:51:18.000 I mean, I've told a lot of stories.

01:51:20.000 But if you...

01:51:22.000 If you found out that I was just a liar, there's a big difference, man.

01:51:27.000 That's where you go.

01:51:28.000 I've got to reassess everything now.

01:51:30.000 Brian Williams is doing it for ratings.

01:51:32.000 There's a lot of competition out there, and he went, yeah, I was in this helicopter.

01:51:35.000 He heard of a helicopter crash, and he just put himself on.

01:51:38.000 He didn't need the ratings.

01:51:39.000 He didn't need ratings.

01:51:40.000 I think you're giving him too much credit.

01:51:42.000 I think you're saying that he's like, this is a calculated move. 1.00

01:51:45.000 But that's stupid. 1.00

01:51:46.000 You know why? 0.99

01:51:47.000 Because the true story is still awesome.

01:51:50.000 I agree.

01:51:51.000 Here's the true story.

01:51:51.000 The true story, he's in a helicopter.

01:51:53.000 There's a helicopter convoy of three helicopters.

01:51:55.000 The one in front of him gets hit with an RPG. They have to force land in a fucking sandstorm, and they're stuck in the sandstorm for two days. 0.96

01:52:01.000 That story's awesome, and that story's true. 0.99

01:52:04.000 That's a true story.

01:52:05.000 No, it's not, though.

01:52:05.000 What you're missing is...

01:52:07.000 Is he was three and a half hours behind the one they hit with RPGs.

01:52:11.000 But this is what the pilot said.

01:52:13.000 The pilot said that's not the case.

01:52:14.000 The pilot said they landed an hour late because they had to get rid of their cargo.

01:52:19.000 They had a full load of cargo.

01:52:20.000 They landed, they got rid of their cargo, and then they met up with the other helicopter that got hit by the RPG. That's why they were an hour behind it.

01:52:27.000 That's a dope story then.

01:52:28.000 But this is what the guy says.

01:52:29.000 They were all in a convoy.

01:52:30.000 And the helicopter pilot even said that the helicopter that Brian Williams was on took small arms fire.

01:52:36.000 Okay?

01:52:37.000 Then when he landed, or then when he told his story, two other people came out and said, no, they were the guys that were flying Brian Williams around, and he didn't fly him around.

01:52:47.000 And so he's like, you know what?

01:52:48.000 I don't even know anymore.

01:52:50.000 He said, I have suppressed this so much, and this is a guy who's a totally legit guy, and he said, I'm starting to get nightmares again, and I had already put this behind me.

01:52:58.000 Now you're making me relive this experience from 12 years ago, and I'm starting to question my own memory.

01:53:02.000 Which is super common in traumatic situations.

01:53:06.000 Like, for Brian Williams, let's be real. 1.00

01:53:08.000 I don't know that dude, but I guarantee you he's a pussy. 1.00

01:53:11.000 I guarantee you... 1.00

01:53:11.000 100%. 1.00

01:53:12.000 He's never been in a fight in his life.

01:53:13.000 The way he apologized, the way...

01:53:15.000 I mean, this...

01:53:16.000 I mistakenly told...

01:53:17.000 I conflated the two stories.

01:53:20.000 Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. 1.00

01:53:21.000 That's not the way a goddamn man apologizes for fucking up. 0.98

01:53:24.000 What he should have done was instead of doing it that way where you're in some constricted time of 15 seconds they allot you to try to clear your name, you should do it on a YouTube video. 0.99

01:53:35.000 You should put a goddamn camera in front of you and as long as it takes to get your full thoughts out about how this possibly could have happened or that you did lie or what it was or that you got caught up in it and somebody repeated it and you almost forgot because you kept telling the story. 0.99

01:53:48.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:53:49.000 The actual story is pretty goddamn good. 0.99

01:53:52.000 Yeah. 0.75

01:53:52.000 At least according to the helicopter pilot. 0.75

01:53:54.000 The helicopter pilot said that his...

01:53:55.000 And then the helicopter pilot came out the next day and said he's not even sure of his own memory.

01:53:58.000 And so he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. 0.97

01:54:00.000 Which is that guy's fucking prerogative, right? 0.95

01:54:02.000 So what do you think should happen to Brian Williams? 0.98

01:54:03.000 You don't think he should...

01:54:04.000 Never!

01:54:04.000 It's over!

01:54:05.000 No!

01:54:05.000 Get out of here with your news!

01:54:06.000 You're not telling me the news. 1.00

01:54:08.000 You're a bullshit artist. 1.00

01:54:09.000 You lied. 1.00

01:54:09.000 Yes, do something else, man. 1.00

01:54:10.000 You lied.

01:54:10.000 Go host a talk show.

01:54:11.000 Go host a talk show.

01:54:12.000 You think he's the first one ever to lie?

01:54:14.000 No, but you can't get caught.

01:54:15.000 You can't get caught as a news liar.

01:54:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:19.000 He's the face of NBC News!

01:54:21.000 Okay, how about this?

01:54:21.000 What if you found out that a dude was pitching for the World Series and he got paid off by some gambling organization to throw the game?

01:54:29.000 Would you ever trust that guy to fucking pitch a legit game again? 0.98

01:54:33.000 Would you ever? 0.99

01:54:34.000 No, but Anderson Silva told me he didn't take steroids.

01:54:37.000 He's still your number one guy.

01:54:38.000 But Brian Williams can't tell the news these days?

01:54:40.000 I think it's fundamentally different.

01:54:41.000 Anderson Silva, at the end of his career, definitely did take steroids.

01:54:45.000 It's also different, though.

01:54:47.000 It was when he had a broken leg, and he's 39 years old.

01:54:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:54:49.000 You heal slow as fuck, and I'm with you. 0.99

01:54:52.000 I get it, man. 1.00

01:54:53.000 You shouldn't do it.

01:54:53.000 It's totally illegal.

01:54:54.000 I'm with you. 0.99

01:54:55.000 What I'm saying is, when I say Anderson's the best of all time, I'm not taking away his previous accomplishments because he fucked up when he was 39 years old. 0.69

01:55:02.000 What I'm saying is, if I look at him in his prime, from Chris Lieben all the way to Vitor Belfort to fucking Stefan Bonner, if I look at his fights, Dan Henderson... 0.67

01:55:12.000 And we assume he's clean.

01:55:13.000 We assume he's clean.

01:55:15.000 We do not know.

01:55:16.000 We obviously don't know.

01:55:17.000 We do not know.

01:55:17.000 I'm not saying he did anything.

01:55:18.000 If he really was clean, I give him the benefit of the doubt.

01:55:22.000 He never failed a test.

01:55:23.000 And I say that he was the best ever.

01:55:26.000 So Brian Williams had this one mess up.

01:55:27.000 I also give Fedor the benefit of the doubt.

01:55:28.000 But Fedor has more benefit because Fedor never tested positive.

01:55:32.000 True.

01:55:32.000 Even though he was in a dirty league.

01:55:33.000 I mean, we could call it a dirty league, right?

01:55:35.000 Pride.

01:55:36.000 100%.

01:55:36.000 100%, right?

01:55:37.000 Amazing fighters.

01:55:39.000 When we say dirty, we don't mean it disrespectfully.

01:55:41.000 It was the environment that they were competing in.

01:55:42.000 I say awesome.

01:55:44.000 So Fedor has way more benefit than doubt because he never tested positive, but yet wasn't even tested until he came to Strikeforce.

01:55:50.000 Bro, all I'm saying is, so Brian Williams basically tested positive for this one time.

01:55:53.000 No, hold on. 0.99

01:55:54.000 So we're just going to assume all of it's bullshit? 0.99

01:55:56.000 No, it's not that. 0.99

01:55:57.000 You trust Brian Williams to deliver information.

01:56:00.000 He is a journalist.

01:56:02.000 People tell him to deliver.

01:56:03.000 A journalist's credibility and an organization's credibility is everything when it comes to the news.

01:56:08.000 When you're a journalist and you have a story, you have to have, I think, depending on where you're at, they cross-check your You've got to get very, very good sources, and I think an editorial board has to okay it.

01:56:19.000 That's why we trust the news.

01:56:21.000 In my opinion, when someone like Brian Williams lies, and he blatantly lied, and it was a self-aggrandizement.

01:56:27.000 It was about making himself look not only like a sympathetic character, but a grandiose character.

01:56:33.000 He exaggerated.

01:56:34.000 It's more than an exaggeration.

01:56:36.000 It's a lie.

01:56:37.000 It's an absolute blatant lie.

01:56:39.000 And everybody uses these euphemisms.

01:56:42.000 And like, well, he wasn't forthcoming.

01:56:44.000 No, it's okay that you lied.

01:56:46.000 I forgive you as a lie. 1.00

01:56:48.000 What if he's dumb as fuck and he really thought that he was in the helicopter that got hit by the grenade? 1.00

01:56:51.000 He might have been like, oh shit. 1.00

01:56:52.000 Too bad though, right? 1.00

01:56:53.000 Right, right.

01:56:54.000 But what if it's like the O.J. Simpson thing?

01:56:55.000 People thought that O.J. Simpson literally believed at the end of his time as a free man that he hadn't killed his wife.

01:57:01.000 There's people that knew him that had said this in interviews.

01:57:04.000 They said, I really believe that he doesn't believe he killed her.

01:57:06.000 Like, he got it in his head.

01:57:08.000 Like, he twisted his brain up.

01:57:09.000 Technically, he didn't, though.

01:57:10.000 Who knows?

01:57:12.000 But not civilly.

01:57:13.000 The civil lawsuit...

01:57:14.000 That's true.

01:57:14.000 But the courts have recognized that too, right?

01:57:16.000 They recognize that's the degree of mental delusion or whatever it is.

01:57:21.000 All I'm saying, Brian Williams shouldn't be out of a job for lying.

01:57:24.000 I don't want to hurt the guy.

01:57:26.000 I don't think he should be banned for news.

01:57:28.000 Let's be honest about this.

01:57:29.000 First of all, he made a dossier of Brian Williams' lies, investigating his suspense accounts.

01:57:34.000 Okay, there you go.

01:57:35.000 He's done.

01:57:36.000 If they're doing that, what's the date on that again?

01:57:38.000 Last month.

01:57:39.000 Wait, so he's lied more than once? 0.98

01:57:41.000 Then he's screwed. 0.81

01:57:43.000 But that's how it always is. 0.95

01:57:44.000 That's how it always is.

01:57:45.000 I thought maybe you just exaggerated this one time.

01:57:47.000 People don't do it that way.

01:57:48.000 That's not human behavior.

01:57:50.000 When somebody steals money from you, they go in and they take money.

01:57:54.000 I promise you, they got a history of it.

01:57:56.000 I disagree.

01:57:57.000 You don't know the situation.

01:57:59.000 You don't know if they're stealing money.

01:58:01.000 You're right.

01:58:01.000 Sometimes there can be an exception.

01:58:02.000 We don't know his situation.

01:58:03.000 If he's desperate for money, I can understand that.

01:58:04.000 I'm just saying that typically when people behave a certain way and they get caught, they've probably done something like that in the past.

01:58:11.000 I disagree.

01:58:12.000 I don't think you know the situation.

01:58:13.000 It's very possible that he hasn't.

01:58:16.000 But if they do have a dossier of lies on him, then your suspicions have kind of been confirmed. 0.99

01:58:20.000 Yeah, he's screwed. 1.00

01:58:21.000 Yeah, he's fucked. 1.00

01:58:22.000 But it's also, it doesn't mean that he can't work. 1.00

01:58:25.000 And by the way, he was making $10 million a year.

01:58:27.000 He's just fine. 0.99

01:58:28.000 He's making a lot of fucking money. 0.99

01:58:29.000 That guy's going to be fine. 1.00

01:58:30.000 I really don't give a shit if my newscasters are crystal clean. 1.00

01:58:33.000 Oh, you're crazy, man. 0.99

01:58:34.000 I don't want that to bully. 1.00

01:58:35.000 It's going to make you angry. 1.00

01:58:36.000 You're going to watch this puppet, this fucking state-run puppet. 1.00

01:58:39.000 All of them are puppets. 1.00

01:58:40.000 But they're not.

01:58:41.000 They're not all puppets.

01:58:42.000 Dude.

01:58:43.000 I'm not.

01:58:44.000 Brennan, he makes $10 million because you trust him.

01:58:48.000 Because he's a face of credibility.

01:58:51.000 The reason Brian Williams made $10 million a year is because he was the face of NBC News.

01:58:55.000 And when you brought him into your living room, like everybody did, what happened was you do that because when you get news from him, you believe it.

01:59:03.000 That's why you're watching the news.

01:59:05.000 You're not watching fiction.

01:59:06.000 I didn't trust him from the get-go.

01:59:08.000 I don't assume these are world-class, great Americans deliver us to the news. 0.98

01:59:12.000 You're a dummy for basically a corporation.

01:59:15.000 We're telling you what to say. 1.00

01:59:16.000 You exaggerate.

01:59:17.000 That's not how the news is.

01:59:18.000 You're also being simplistic about this.

01:59:21.000 Okay, but he's not really.

01:59:23.000 Because all Brian Williams' credentials...

01:59:25.000 I mean, what does he need to be able to do that you can't do?

01:59:27.000 Or that you can't do?

01:59:28.000 Or that I can't do?

01:59:29.000 I'm not good at reading off telepompters.

01:59:31.000 There's evidence online.

01:59:32.000 I know what you mean.

01:59:32.000 But that's all he has to do.

01:59:34.000 He's telegenic, right?

01:59:35.000 You get used to doing that.

01:59:36.000 He looks like someone's dad.

01:59:38.000 He's a good height.

01:59:39.000 He's got good facial structure.

01:59:41.000 There's a reason for that.

01:59:41.000 That's what they hire.

01:59:42.000 Yeah.

01:59:42.000 His speech.

01:59:43.000 But he's not particularly a brilliant guy.

01:59:46.000 I had a conversation off the record once.

01:59:48.000 I won't say the guy's name, but he's one of those news guys. 0.99

01:59:51.000 And I was shocked at how dumb he seemed. 0.90

01:59:54.000 Like, we were having a conversation about, and I questioned him on a couple of things. 1.00

01:59:58.000 We were just, like, throwing some, you know, just shooting the shit back and forth. 0.99

02:00:02.000 And I forget what came up or what the subject was, but I remember thinking, this guy, he's not that bright. 0.97

02:00:08.000 What was he?

02:00:08.000 Was he hesitant, or what was it?

02:00:10.000 Clumsy.

02:00:11.000 Clumsy. 0.99

02:00:11.000 Like, clumsy in his thinking. 0.99

02:00:12.000 I can't really tell you what it is, because then you'll know who the fuck I'm talking about. 0.99

02:00:15.000 He's not a bad guy. 0.98

02:00:16.000 My favorite is Anderson Cooper.

02:00:18.000 He's good.

02:00:19.000 But, you know, look.

02:00:20.000 Anderson Cooper is another one.

02:00:22.000 He's on television.

02:00:23.000 Well, Williamson was considered by people, I've only read this, I don't know, and I can't give you examples.

02:00:27.000 He was recognized by a lot of people who wrote about this afterwards as a pretty good journalist that got him to where he was, got him to be an anchor of NBC. He was a credible journalist who did good work, who wrote good articles and did good investigation.

02:00:42.000 And that's why it was such a bummer for so many people. 0.99

02:00:46.000 By a lot of accounts, I don't give a shit. 0.98

02:00:47.000 That's not true. 0.98

02:00:48.000 Other accounts, it's not true. 1.00

02:00:49.000 There's other people that said he was an asshole, that he was pretentious. 1.00

02:00:52.000 I mean, who the fuck knows? 1.00

02:00:53.000 Whenever something like this happens, you're going to get bullshit on both directions. 0.99

02:00:58.000 But all I know is... 0.98

02:01:00.000 We don't really need those guys.

02:01:02.000 We don't need someone that's a credible voice.

02:01:05.000 I agree.

02:01:06.000 We need information.

02:01:07.000 That's what we need.

02:01:07.000 And it's almost worse when it comes from a personality, especially if we think that personality could potentially be manipulated.

02:01:13.000 It's that charismatic father figure that's reading you the news.

02:01:17.000 Exactly.

02:01:17.000 It's kind of creepy in a way.

02:01:20.000 But a free, honest, and open press and knowing that you can trust the information you get, say, from the New York Times because they work very hard at making sure at least that the stories or the information, not the stories or the slant, but the information presented.

02:01:36.000 So, for example, somebody gets shot, a 12-year-old gets shot.

02:01:39.000 We know that's true.

02:01:40.000 We're not going to say they're making that up.

02:01:42.000 There has to be a certain amount of...

02:01:44.000 Non-cynical trust in a society where we just give people the benefit of the doubt.

02:01:49.000 But you can't go through life believing that CNN and Dateline is the best source of news and they have no hidden motivation.

02:01:55.000 Well, they certainly do.

02:01:56.000 But here's the other part of the problem.

02:01:58.000 The format is incredibly flawed and antiquated.

02:02:01.000 The format of getting the entire world's news in an hour with 18 minutes of commercials is ridiculous.

02:02:08.000 You can't get it that way.

02:02:09.000 Because they're going to pick and choose the things that are exciting.

02:02:11.000 It's an entertainment show about events.

02:02:14.000 That's what it really is.

02:02:15.000 It's an entertaining show about events. 1.00

02:02:17.000 And that's why you have this asshole with a tie who speaks like your girlfriend's father. 1.00

02:02:22.000 Like, oh, this fucking guy again. 1.00

02:02:24.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:02:24.000 Like, this is who he is. 1.00

02:02:25.000 And there's a reason Kim Kardashian posting a selfie, signing a deal for $100 million is the start of the news.

02:02:31.000 That's the catcher.

02:02:32.000 If it bleeds, it leads.

02:02:33.000 You know?

02:02:33.000 That's what they say.

02:02:34.000 And there's no doubt that political leanings by journalists bleed into the news.

02:02:41.000 I think we give them too much credit.

02:02:43.000 I don't assume they're good people. 0.87

02:02:44.000 It's a shitty way to get information.

02:02:45.000 That's not how any of us should get information.

02:02:47.000 They shouldn't have it anymore. 0.96

02:02:49.000 It was important back in the day when they didn't have fucking reading. 0.95

02:02:52.000 They would get on TV and you'd read your newspaper in the morning and then in the afternoon you would listen to the news or you would watch the news. 0.94

02:02:58.000 It became on television.

02:03:00.000 We are at war with Japan. 0.99

02:03:02.000 What?

02:03:03.000 Did you hear on the news?

02:03:04.000 We're in Japan. 0.99

02:03:05.000 Now you would get Twitter alerts like way before that shit would happen. 0.97

02:03:08.000 When you see Walter Cronkite back in the day, it was just very matter-of-fact. 0.98

02:03:12.000 He got on and read the news.

02:03:14.000 And one of the things, there's a famous story I think about, the guy who ran 60 Minutes.

02:03:20.000 And he came in and he said, good news and bad news.

02:03:22.000 Good news is, got very high ratings last night.

02:03:24.000 Bad news is, we got very high ratings last night.

02:03:26.000 And the news will never be the same.

02:03:28.000 So in other words, we now have a lot of pressure to get ratings.

02:03:31.000 What does that mean?

02:03:32.000 Sensationalize things.

02:03:33.000 What does that mean?

02:03:34.000 Focus on what's wrong, not what's right, self-fear, all these things.

02:03:37.000 Well, not only that, it's a disproportionate and non-accurate view of the world. 0.82

02:03:45.000 Because by only focusing on these negative things and not focusing on the Fucking hundreds of millions of positive things that are happening all the time all over the world.

02:03:54.000 You're getting this distorted version of reality that threatens people and makes people alert and react to stress.

02:04:02.000 You're reacting to danger.

02:04:03.000 A sense of fear all the time.

02:04:05.000 I feel like ISIS lives next door. 1.00

02:04:07.000 And more importantly, let the guy fucking rant about ISIS. Jesus Christ, you just can't stop. 1.00

02:04:16.000 He's trying!

02:04:17.000 He's trying to do some comedy here, and you're just tripping all over like you're not listening.

02:04:22.000 No, you got this, man.

02:04:23.000 Carry on. 0.99

02:04:24.000 What's going on about ISIS in fucking Marina del Rey? 0.99

02:04:26.000 You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, about my uncle. 0.98

02:04:28.000 No, I was going to say that what I think the damage done is that you don't get any real information.

02:04:35.000 I was having a conversation with somebody who really knows the Middle East, and they were like, nobody ever talks about the biggest problem with two things.

02:04:42.000 First of all, the Middle East is the Sunni-Shia schism, the idea that you start there. 0.95

02:04:46.000 We don't even know where to start with the debate.

02:04:48.000 We start talking about ISIS. We start talking about the problems that bother us, and we don't actually really know where the source of the problem is.

02:04:55.000 We don't know how it started, because you don't get it from what you were saying.

02:04:59.000 Well, you get it from CNN and Dateline, and you assume this guy's the...

02:05:03.000 You're not supposed to.

02:05:04.000 It used to be you had to wait for the news to come out.

02:05:06.000 You had to get a newspaper, and then you got alerted to the important stories in the radio or on the news on television.

02:05:12.000 We don't need that anymore.

02:05:13.000 It's just antiquated.

02:05:14.000 And it's dangerous because it gives you a version of the world that's not entirely accurate.

02:05:18.000 It's very slanted because that's what you're scared of, so that's what you'll tune into, so that's what they can sell.

02:05:22.000 Advertising, hey, we scared the fuck out of 100 people.

02:05:25.000 Did you see Nightcrawler?

02:05:26.000 Yes. 0.99

02:05:27.000 It's fucking excellent. 0.99

02:05:28.000 No, so dope. 1.00

02:05:29.000 It's excellent.

02:05:30.000 And it's all about this.

02:05:31.000 Nightcrawler is all about this. 1.00

02:05:32.000 First of all, Jake Gyllenhaal is a bad motherfucker. 0.99

02:05:35.000 How did he not win a... 1.00

02:05:36.000 He should have won an award. 0.97

02:05:37.000 He's a beast. 1.00

02:05:38.000 I think awards are stupid. 1.00

02:05:40.000 I agree. 1.00

02:05:41.000 He's just excellent.

02:05:42.000 It's an excellent move.

02:05:43.000 It's really, really, really, really well done.

02:05:45.000 And a dope-ass Dodge Challenger makes an appearance.

02:05:47.000 Isn't that sweet?

02:05:48.000 Yeah, it's not even Hellcats.

02:05:49.000 When he starts balling.

02:05:49.000 It's SRT. Yeah.

02:05:51.000 What is that?

02:05:51.000 Once he starts balling, he gets a nice red Challenger with black stripes.

02:05:54.000 To get there faster?

02:05:55.000 Dude.

02:05:55.000 I love how he talks to his sidekick.

02:05:57.000 Yeah.

02:05:58.000 It's amazing.

02:05:58.000 He's like, Jeremy, if you want...

02:05:59.000 Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't spoil it.

02:06:01.000 He's never gonna see it.

02:06:02.000 He's never gonna see it.

02:06:03.000 But folks that are listening, there's people listening.

02:06:04.000 Oh, my bad.

02:06:05.000 Oh, I'm a spoiler alert.

02:06:07.000 And I see every movie.

02:06:09.000 He ruined my... 1.00

02:06:10.000 I ruin shit for people. 1.00

02:06:11.000 Yeah, you ruined my time when I go, don't tell me about the fights. 1.00

02:06:13.000 Whatever you do, don't tell me about the fights.

02:06:14.000 I'm just disappointed.

02:06:15.000 14 seconds, that's all I'm gonna say.

02:06:16.000 It pisses me off when he misses the fight, so I text him all the results. 1.00

02:06:20.000 He's actually an asshole. 1.00

02:06:20.000 You know, that's part of your job, is to pay attention to MMA. I'm aware of that. 1.00

02:06:23.000 And when he doesn't see it, I'm like, fuck that noise. 0.99

02:06:26.000 I'm aware of that. 0.99

02:06:26.000 I tape it. 0.99

02:06:27.000 I tape it.

02:06:29.000 I'm taping his defensive stance.

02:06:31.000 I'm aware of it. 1.00

02:06:32.000 He's a fucking cobra. 1.00

02:06:33.000 He's bracing for impact. 1.00

02:06:34.000 Because I get mad.

02:06:34.000 I'm like, Brennan, don't tell me anything.

02:06:36.000 We're on our way to play volleyball.

02:06:38.000 I go, don't tell me anything.

02:06:40.000 He goes, Cain Velasquez ends up winning. 0.86

02:06:42.000 He punches him in the face.

02:06:43.000 I got to discipline you, man.

02:06:44.000 I got to teach you.

02:06:45.000 He runs through the whole thing.

02:06:46.000 How do you not know?

02:06:47.000 What are you doing?

02:06:48.000 You're out there in the wild?

02:06:49.000 Yeah, dude, my workouts are at night a lot of times.

02:06:51.000 Whoa, what do you do?

02:06:52.000 You run the beach?

02:06:53.000 Think about death?

02:06:54.000 No, I do the Alexander Emelyenko workout, not the Fedor one.

02:06:58.000 What's the difference?

02:06:59.000 Just a lot of back work and crime.

02:07:01.000 A lot of back work.

02:07:03.000 Chin ups and crime. 1.00

02:07:04.000 Just crime.

02:07:05.000 Just do crime. 1.00

02:07:07.000 Damn you! 1.00

02:07:09.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

02:07:10.000 Yeah.

02:07:11.000 How about Brendan's part?

02:07:13.000 It's beautiful. 0.97

02:07:14.000 It's got a goddamn full head of hair. 0.99

02:07:15.000 If I had that much hair, I'd do weird shit with it, too. 1.00

02:07:17.000 You know what, man? 0.95

02:07:17.000 Because I've been taking a break from training, and I haven't grown my hair out since I was in... 0.95

02:07:22.000 I don't know, man.

02:07:23.000 So for me to be able to grow it out...

02:07:25.000 It's a cutie pie, huh?

02:07:25.000 Because you can't have a really hairstyle and train a ton.

02:07:28.000 Putting gel in your hair would feel like a...

02:07:30.000 Dude, I know you had a neck injury for a while. 0.97

02:07:34.000 This dude does rolfing, and he's got this fucking crazy metal piece that's wrapped in a soft plastic, like a thin sheet of plastic around it. 0.99

02:07:47.000 So it's semi-soft on the outside, but underneath it's iron, steel, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

02:07:51.000 And he breaks up scar tissue. 0.98

02:07:54.000 Woo! 1.00

02:07:54.000 That shit hurts. 1.00

02:07:55.000 Doggy! 1.00

02:07:56.000 Okay, so now here's my question. 0.99

02:07:57.000 You're a beast if you can sit through that.

02:07:58.000 I had it done on my hamstring once.

02:08:00.000 I get it done once a month.

02:08:01.000 Or once a week, rather. 0.99

02:08:02.000 Dang, you're a gangster. 0.98

02:08:02.000 Not once a month. 0.98

02:08:03.000 Once a week.

02:08:03.000 You know what's weird?

02:08:04.000 Is people be like, oh, Shab, your neck hurts, and I'll...

02:08:07.000 This is my fault.

02:08:08.000 I'll have random people like, let me see it.

02:08:09.000 And I'll just sit down.

02:08:11.000 And they start cracking it.

02:08:12.000 This random girl was grabbing my neck. 1.00

02:08:14.000 She's like, your ribs out. 1.00

02:08:16.000 Your ribs out.

02:08:17.000 I'm sitting there.

02:08:18.000 Her weight's on my shoulder, pushing on my head.

02:08:20.000 I'm thinking, I don't know this woman.

02:08:23.000 I let her do it.

02:08:23.000 You can't do that.

02:08:24.000 You can't do that.

02:08:25.000 I know, man.

02:08:25.000 But what do we know?

02:08:26.000 You know a lot about this stuff.

02:08:27.000 What do we know about, like, so my lower back hurts.

02:08:30.000 Is that a function of inflammation?

02:08:32.000 Well, here's the deal.

02:08:32.000 You don't know until you get an MRI. You need to get an MRI. Okay.

02:08:36.000 I got an MRI recently because I wanted to get a look at my back, know exactly what's going on, and everything's cool.

02:08:41.000 Just some disc degeneration, minor disc degeneration, a little bit of soreness and inflammation.

02:08:45.000 There's really nothing you can do for that, though.

02:08:46.000 No, not much you can do.

02:08:47.000 So it's all fine.

02:08:48.000 Like, it's fine to push myself.

02:08:50.000 But you've got to know that you're fine to push yourself.

02:08:52.000 Yeah.

02:08:52.000 But I mean, how bad's your back?

02:08:54.000 No, I'm fine.

02:08:55.000 But if you don't, you say that, but if you don't know, it's just guessing.

02:08:57.000 Like, people that have sciatica, they keep going, oh, my sciatic nerve.

02:09:01.000 Well, do you know what that is?

02:09:02.000 That's a...

02:09:03.000 Bulging disc that's pushing on your nerve.

02:09:05.000 You're making it look like your nerve is acting weird. 1.00

02:09:08.000 No, your nerve is being squashed by your fucking, the soft shit in between your bones and your spine is pushing against your fucking nerve. 1.00

02:09:16.000 Like, that's serious shit. 1.00

02:09:18.000 And people that ignore that or try to work through it, like, you can fuck yourself up. 1.00

02:09:23.000 I know three dudes that have had significant neck surgery because of impinged nerves where it was causing atrophy to their muscles. 0.79

02:09:30.000 Three dudes very close.

02:09:32.000 Guys from my gym.

02:09:33.000 I know one dude that can't do jujitsu anymore.

02:09:35.000 Can't roll, can't do anything.

02:09:36.000 It's a fine line though.

02:09:38.000 Like a lot of guys, they'll be messed up and like, nah, I'm not going to see a doctor. 0.77

02:09:42.000 And then now, you know, with the UFC insurance policy, I'm like, damn, my wrist hurts.

02:09:45.000 I get an x-ray. 0.97

02:09:46.000 I'm like, damn, my nose hurts. 0.99

02:09:48.000 I get an x-ray. 0.99

02:09:48.000 You should do that. 0.99

02:09:49.000 You're a fucking professional fighter, man. 1.00

02:09:51.000 The people at the UFC must be like, fucking shop, man. 1.00

02:09:53.000 What's wrong with me? 1.00

02:09:54.000 He jammed his thumb.

02:09:54.000 Hey, look, man.

02:09:55.000 You're not the only one.

02:09:56.000 A lot of dudes are doing that, and they should.

02:09:58.000 They should.

02:09:59.000 That is a giant part of what you do for a living.

02:10:01.000 They probably have awards.

02:10:02.000 You gotta know.

02:10:03.000 Behind our backs.

02:10:04.000 You gotta know whether or not it's serious or not. 1.00

02:10:05.000 Biggest pussy of the year. 1.00

02:10:06.000 Big Brown. 1.00

02:10:07.000 They're silly. 1.00

02:10:07.000 That's silly. 1.00

02:10:08.000 Look, this is what you do. 0.96

02:10:09.000 That's antagonistic sort of relationship with people when they have injuries.

02:10:13.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:10:13.000 That's a very fucking tricky thing to be. 0.97

02:10:15.000 It's weird though, man, because back in the day, it's like, oh, I want to be tough. 0.97

02:10:20.000 And it's my own ego.

02:10:21.000 When I have to call my manager and be like, dude, I gotta get MRI or I gotta get my neck checked out.

02:10:25.000 It takes usually three or four weeks for me to talk myself into...

02:10:29.000 Getting the doctor. 1.00

02:10:30.000 Because it's like this ego thing where you're like, God, I want to be a bitch, man. 0.99

02:10:34.000 Like, like, like, like Mitch Rowe was in town. 0.99

02:10:35.000 He's like, you want to train?

02:10:36.000 I really can't go real hard wrestling right now.

02:10:38.000 I want to with him and Barnett.

02:10:39.000 Yeah.

02:10:40.000 I just can't.

02:10:41.000 And so I was like, I'm busy, man.

02:10:42.000 Well, that's smart, man.

02:10:43.000 When dudes try to ignore pain.

02:10:45.000 I know.

02:10:45.000 There's a lot of dudes that try to ignore pain.

02:10:47.000 Their bodies wind up falling apart.

02:10:49.000 True.

02:10:50.000 We had John Wayne Parr on and he was talking about Ramone Deckers. 0.91

02:10:53.000 Ramone Deckers, they got him to a point where they fused his fucking ankle to his shin bone because he had broken it so many times. 0.96

02:11:00.000 Just full power kicks. 0.99

02:11:02.000 He would kick so fucking hard and smash into Elbows and knees and shins. 0.99

02:11:09.000 And he shattered his ankle so many times from his right kick that they had to fuse it. 1.00

02:11:14.000 So he would hobble when he walked and he would tape that fucker up and get in there. 0.99

02:11:17.000 And they told him, they're like, you can't kick with this or we're going to have to fucking amputate your leg if you break it again. 0.99

02:11:23.000 And he would wait a little while fighting in the southpaw and he'd say, you know what? 1.00

02:11:26.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:11:26.000 Switch stances and ha! 1.00

02:11:28.000 Ha! 0.89

02:11:28.000 Just start attacking with it again. 0.89

02:11:30.000 Dude, fused! 1.00

02:11:31.000 That's a bad motherfucker right there. 1.00

02:11:32.000 His fucking ankle didn't bend. 1.00

02:11:34.000 He's still ha! 1.00

02:11:35.000 Ha! 1.00

02:11:35.000 Just fucking kicking him. 1.00

02:11:36.000 Yeah, he passed away, right? 1.00

02:11:38.000 At 43. Oh, no.

02:11:39.000 Died of a heart attack at 43. Oh, boy.

02:11:41.000 Riding a bike, apparently.

02:11:42.000 He was one of the all-time great kickboxers.

02:11:45.000 Oh, phenomenal.

02:11:46.000 If you don't know who he is, research.

02:11:47.000 That's a compromise against your arteries. 0.97

02:11:49.000 Ramon Deckers.

02:11:50.000 Woo! 0.99

02:11:50.000 He was good. 0.99

02:11:51.000 Woo! 0.99

02:11:53.000 Dude, Ramon Dagger.

02:11:54.000 Just savage.

02:11:55.000 So aggressive.

02:11:56.000 And he was a Dutch guy, but the Dutch people were very big. 1.00

02:12:01.000 The average height for a Dutch man is six feet tall.

02:12:04.000 Tallest people in Europe.

02:12:05.000 Yeah, the tallest people in Europe.

02:12:06.000 And a lot of big...

02:12:07.000 And he was little.

02:12:08.000 So he had to be tough.

02:12:12.000 And he was one of the first guys to go over to Thailand and beat the Thais in Thai boxing.

02:12:16.000 Think about how tough he is. 1.00

02:12:18.000 Your ankles fuse to your fucking leg, man. 1.00

02:12:21.000 Your ankle. 1.00

02:12:22.000 Yeah, your foot and your knee and your ankle.

02:12:24.000 All the way down is one piece.

02:12:26.000 Yeah, that's not good.

02:12:27.000 Don't use it. 0.99

02:12:28.000 Don't use it and then gets in a fight and fucking uses it. 0.98

02:12:30.000 It's definitely a guy who doesn't know what to do with his time. 0.99

02:12:32.000 He's just not going to quit.

02:12:34.000 He might have to amputate your leg because you've shattered your bones so many times.

02:12:38.000 I've got to be honest, I'm just not that tough.

02:12:40.000 I'm like, ah, cool, man.

02:12:41.000 Ha! 0.89

02:12:42.000 Ha! 0.99

02:12:42.000 It's kind of how I feel about Madonna at 56 showing her ass off, like an old fighter who won't quit. 0.99

02:12:48.000 Just take a look at this! 0.97

02:12:49.000 I won't give up!

02:12:50.000 How dare you make that comparison?

02:12:52.000 He fucked the whole thing up with the Eddie Murphy Shrek thing.

02:12:56.000 Yeah, but this might be just as bad. 0.64

02:12:58.000 Madonna's an oddity at this point.

02:12:59.000 I think so.

02:13:00.000 When people go to see her, it's an oddity. 0.86

02:13:02.000 She's a 60-year-old woman in her underwear who's dancing around with a bunch of gay guys following her everywhere she goes and hanging on her every word. 1.00

02:13:07.000 She got yanked off stage the other day. 0.99

02:13:09.000 Why I know that, I don't know. 0.99

02:13:10.000 I think fucking Brian Williams told me. 0.99

02:13:12.000 What happened? 0.99

02:13:14.000 She was dancing.

02:13:15.000 The thing was supposed to yank the cape off, but it got her neck. 1.00

02:13:19.000 It yanks this bitch right off the stage. 1.00

02:13:21.000 Is there a video of that? 1.00

02:13:22.000 Oh, yeah.

02:13:23.000 Oh, we've got to see that.

02:13:24.000 Play it for us.

02:13:25.000 Play it again, Jamie. 0.93

02:13:27.000 She gets decapitated. 0.97

02:13:28.000 She'll be 80 showing her body off. 0.97

02:13:30.000 You best believe that dude got fired.

02:13:32.000 Whoever made that cape, fired. 0.56

02:13:33.000 He's probably dead. 0.94

02:13:34.000 Yeah, he's probably dead.

02:13:35.000 He's probably dead.

02:13:36.000 She probably beat him to death. 1.00

02:13:37.000 Remember when Madonna beat someone to death with a hammer, and you see the body just scooting out the back.

02:13:42.000 It was like the 1930s.

02:13:44.000 Just a little hammer.

02:13:44.000 It was the 1930s.

02:13:45.000 Oh, no.

02:13:46.000 She just had a carpenter's hammer. 1.00

02:13:47.000 Just fucking impaled her. 0.99

02:13:48.000 Oh, that's not good. 1.00

02:13:49.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:13:50.000 Let me see that again. 1.00

02:13:50.000 One more time, please. 1.00

02:13:52.000 Oh.

02:13:53.000 Look at this. 1.00

02:13:54.000 Bitch. 1.00

02:13:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:55.000 Oh.

02:13:56.000 Oh, my God.

02:13:57.000 She's old, dude. 0.99

02:13:58.000 When you fall like that and you're old, you could break a hip.

02:14:01.000 She got up, though.

02:14:02.000 She's walking up like a champ. 0.64

02:14:04.000 Oh my god, that's crazy.

02:14:06.000 Where was that?

02:14:07.000 She handled that really well.

02:14:09.000 By the way, she fell really well.

02:14:11.000 She's a professional.

02:14:11.000 She really did.

02:14:12.000 She could have got hurt. 1.00

02:14:14.000 Fuck that tailbone up because she has zero ass. 1.00

02:14:16.000 She could have got hurt. 1.00

02:14:17.000 She's got some muscle on her ass. 1.00

02:14:19.000 I was filming this movie with Kevin James, Zookeeper, in Boston. 1.00

02:14:25.000 We had a bike chasing scene.

02:14:27.000 We had a bike chasing scene.

02:14:28.000 And I kept hitting the front brakes on the bike because the front brakes were my left hand and the back brakes were my right hand.

02:14:33.000 And I'm riding this bike and I'm hitting him with this thing.

02:14:35.000 And I hit the front brakes and go flying over the handlebars on the concrete, like tumble into the grass.

02:14:41.000 I did it like three times.

02:14:42.000 So you did your own stunt in other words?

02:14:44.000 Yeah, I did all of it.

02:14:45.000 Well, there's one where a guy made a bike jump where it was a stuntman.

02:14:50.000 Where he had to ride down this hill and then hit this ramp and jump over this flight of stairs and land on the ground.

02:14:57.000 And he did that.

02:14:58.000 He was like a stunt jumper. 1.00

02:15:00.000 But all the other shit I did. 0.98

02:15:02.000 And they wanted to have a stunt guy Do the fall, because that's what would eventually happen. 0.98

02:15:08.000 He was supposed to jam his flag into my wheel, and then I go flying, and then he takes off.

02:15:14.000 But I fell so spectacularly that they used my actual fall in the actual movie.

02:15:20.000 Let's see this!

02:15:20.000 Look at the body!

02:15:21.000 Did you do a judo roll, or what happened?

02:15:23.000 Yeah, I just rolled.

02:15:23.000 Look at you!

02:15:25.000 Sick, man. 0.98

02:15:26.000 I think I rolled in one of them and one of them maybe.

02:15:28.000 I fell a bunch of times.

02:15:30.000 One of them was cool because I landed in the grass, like I hit the curb and went flying.

02:15:34.000 I got to see this movie.

02:15:35.000 I can't believe I haven't seen you.

02:15:36.000 Kevin James is a good dude, huh?

02:15:37.000 He's a very good dude.

02:15:38.000 He's a very, very, very good guy.

02:15:39.000 Dude, how about stuntmen? 1.00

02:15:40.000 They're fucking crazy, man. 1.00

02:15:42.000 Stuntmen are crazy. 1.00

02:15:43.000 Oh, yeah. 0.96

02:15:43.000 I have people tell me all the time. 0.96

02:15:44.000 I'd probably say once a week, dude, you should get into some stunt work.

02:15:47.000 No. 1.00

02:15:47.000 What are you fucking crazy? 1.00

02:15:48.000 Well, that's how boss hurt his neck. 1.00

02:15:51.000 One of the things I was going to get to is Boss, when he was on, I think, Sons of Anarchy, one of those shows, he did a stunt, and he's doing his own stunt work, and they landed him on his head.

02:16:02.000 And bang! 0.97

02:16:02.000 And he just fucked his neck up, and then he had to get his discs fused. 0.97

02:16:06.000 Didn't you have a friend who does stunt work, and he was in a coma for a grip, can't taste food anymore? 0.99

02:16:11.000 Yeah, he hit the back of his head and lost his sense of taste and smell and has never come back.

02:16:17.000 And his testosterone went vroom, so he had to go on...

02:16:21.000 But I was doing the Goldbergs, and this girl had to fall down on her, just fall on her back. 1.00

02:16:27.000 And I thought, and I said, she was a girl, and it was on a linoleum floor, like a real cafeteria floor.

02:16:33.000 And I said, how are you going to do that?

02:16:34.000 And she goes, just fall.

02:16:36.000 And I said, I know, but, and she just, boom, just hit. 0.99

02:16:39.000 And she did it five times.

02:16:40.000 No, she was a stuntwoman. 1.00

02:16:41.000 Five times.

02:16:42.000 And I said, how are you doing?

02:16:44.000 She goes, I'll be sore tomorrow.

02:16:45.000 She was falling.

02:16:46.000 I remember when I did Death Valley and I had to judo flip this giant guy, Joe Arnaz.

02:16:50.000 This guy, Joe Arnaz, who is...

02:16:52.000 Well, this was crazy.

02:16:54.000 This guy, Joe Arnaz, who's a giant stuntman on Death Valley.

02:16:57.000 And awesome.

02:16:58.000 Works all the time.

02:16:59.000 Just big, big judo guy.

02:17:01.000 And we had this...

02:17:03.000 Desk!

02:17:04.000 Like this thing, and he's a vampire.

02:17:06.000 He jumps on me, and I had to flip him over.

02:17:08.000 And I thought it was going to break away furniture.

02:17:10.000 It really wasn't break away furniture.

02:17:11.000 It was as hard as it gets.

02:17:13.000 And I just would throw him, and he would flip over me and throw him something and fall on his back.

02:17:18.000 He did it over and over.

02:17:20.000 Do they get paid well?

02:17:22.000 They get paid well, but not well enough.

02:17:25.000 I would never do that.

02:17:26.000 It depends on what you have to do.

02:17:27.000 I mean, if you have to do something like that, it's definitely not well enough.

02:17:30.000 Oftentimes they wear padding, and they do their best, but look, they're taking bumps no matter what, and their head's getting jostled around.

02:17:36.000 They're getting concussed.

02:17:37.000 Being dragged by a horse, they say, is the most dangerous. 1.00

02:17:39.000 Dude, fuck that! 1.00

02:17:41.000 And they have to do that for some fucking movies, man. 1.00

02:17:44.000 There's not much you can do about that. 0.99

02:17:45.000 You get dragged by a horse.

02:17:47.000 You've got to do it very specifically.

02:17:49.000 You've got to be really careful because they can't really stop the horse.

02:17:51.000 How do you control the horse?

02:17:52.000 You control it with another horse.

02:17:53.000 But you've got to let that horse go for a while.

02:17:56.000 And they spook the horse, the horse is trying to run, and you get dragged.

02:17:59.000 And that is they consider the most dangerous. 0.99

02:18:01.000 How about car shit? 1.00

02:18:03.000 When they're doing car chases and shit? 1.00

02:18:06.000 Can't be. 0.96

02:18:06.000 Guy in The Hangover 2 was never the same. 0.96

02:18:09.000 Someone was in a movie.

02:18:10.000 Oh, Jake Lillenhall. 0.94

02:18:12.000 They were saying that that fucking movie that was not CGI, when they did those car accidents in that movie, all the car accidents in Nightcrawler, I'm pretty sure it was him. 0.96

02:18:21.000 See, please Google that. 0.98

02:18:22.000 He was in too much crazy accidents. 0.99

02:18:24.000 What about the fucking high-speed chase? 0.99

02:18:26.000 I don't want to say anything more. 1.00

02:18:27.000 I'll say that one time, there was some serious shit. 1.00

02:18:30.000 Enough so that you're like, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:18:33.000 This is real? 0.99

02:18:34.000 This is not CGI? Apparently, that was one of the things that the director wanted to do.

02:18:39.000 I'm pretty sure that's the case in that movie.

02:18:40.000 I know people clown on Tom Cruise for kind of being a sissy, but he did all his own stunts in Mission Impossible, I heard.

02:18:45.000 When he hung from that building, that's pretty gangster.

02:18:47.000 He does his own driving stunts, too.

02:18:49.000 And running.

02:18:50.000 He's a powerful kid. 0.98

02:18:51.000 He did whatever the fuck that movie was that he did with Cameron Diaz. 0.99

02:18:53.000 He had some crazy movie with Cameron Diaz. 0.99

02:18:55.000 Oh, yeah.

02:18:56.000 I like that movie.

02:18:57.000 End of Days?

02:18:58.000 No, no, no.

02:18:59.000 That's a great movie.

02:18:59.000 That's a great movie, too.

02:19:00.000 No, Edge of Tomorrow.

02:19:01.000 Yes.

02:19:02.000 That's very underrated.

02:19:03.000 That is a good movie.

02:19:05.000 That's a movie that almost suffers from him being too wacky.

02:19:07.000 I agree, man.

02:19:09.000 That's a beast of a movie.

02:19:10.000 Yeah, like if that movie was like someone else, like Will Smith, Will Smith's a little wacky too.

02:19:15.000 The Cameron Diaz one was Night and Day, right?

02:19:17.000 Yeah, Night and Day.

02:19:18.000 Good movie.

02:19:19.000 Yeah, if you, if like, who would have been, who would have, like, Tom Cruise killed it in that movie, by the way, Edge of Tomorrow.

02:19:25.000 He killed it.

02:19:26.000 Oh, he's so good. 1.00

02:19:26.000 Killed it. 1.00

02:19:26.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:19:27.000 But if someone else did an equal job of killing it. 0.79

02:19:30.000 John Travolta.

02:19:31.000 Daniel Day-Lewis.

02:19:32.000 If Daniel Day-Lewis was in that movie.

02:19:34.000 He's too serious, though.

02:19:34.000 Too serious?

02:19:35.000 Way too serious. 1.00

02:19:35.000 For a fucking sci-fi, crazy movie. 1.00

02:19:37.000 That was a realistic sci-fi movie, though. 1.00

02:19:39.000 Yeah, it was good. 0.99

02:19:40.000 You know, I mean, it wasn't, like, so stupid. 0.99

02:19:42.000 You put that heartthrob from Thor in there. 0.99

02:19:44.000 That thing's going to do well.

02:19:46.000 That boy's a beast.

02:19:47.000 But I'll tell you what, man.

02:19:48.000 Tom Cruise, I did a reading with him, and I took his body in.

02:19:52.000 I spent a good four hours with him.

02:19:53.000 Tom Cruise?

02:19:54.000 Just tiny.

02:19:55.000 I spent a good four hours with him.

02:19:56.000 Well, he'll tell you he was there.

02:19:58.000 We talked wrestling.

02:19:58.000 How tiny is he?

02:19:59.000 He's not as tall as I am, but he's very stout.

02:20:03.000 He's got wide center of gravity, thick hips, thick shoulders. 1.00

02:20:06.000 What's his dick taste like? 1.00

02:20:08.000 I'm glad you asked. 1.00

02:20:08.000 I would make out with him. 1.00

02:20:09.000 Would you make out with him?

02:20:10.000 If it all went down.

02:20:12.000 If you were like on a canopy, like under a canopy.

02:20:16.000 You gotta push me.

02:20:16.000 You gotta get me in the corner, don't you?

02:20:18.000 You drink wine together.

02:20:18.000 You gotta put me in a corner, don't you?

02:20:20.000 And you're playing a gay lover in a movie. 0.54

02:20:22.000 But in the movie, you don't ever make out.

02:20:24.000 But he wants to make out with you just one time, just so you could pretend.

02:20:27.000 Look, we're together. 0.70

02:20:28.000 We're gay lovers.

02:20:29.000 This is our movie.

02:20:30.000 After I did the reading, I see him six months later at this big hoity-toity party.

02:20:34.000 I talk to him for a Good hour?

02:20:36.000 Maybe an hour and a half?

02:20:37.000 Did you wake up when you passed down?

02:20:38.000 That means ten minutes.

02:20:39.000 I remember saying to myself...

02:20:40.000 An hour and a half?

02:20:42.000 That means five minutes?

02:20:43.000 That means he went...

02:20:45.000 Yeah, right? 0.91

02:20:46.000 Tom Cruise is like, get the fuck out of here. 0.64

02:20:48.000 He wants to have an hour and a half by himself. 0.98

02:20:50.000 Who's talking to Brian one-on-one for an hour and a half at a party?

02:20:54.000 For an hour and a half?

02:20:54.000 Oh, I kept him there.

02:20:55.000 You know how long that is?

02:20:56.000 Dude, I kept him there.

02:20:57.000 Are you lying a little bit, though?

02:20:58.000 I got a witness.

02:21:00.000 An hour and a half?

02:21:01.000 We'll ask Jeremy Piven, you tell him.

02:21:03.000 Anyway, he's got a funny story about it.

02:21:04.000 Doesn't matter.

02:21:04.000 Okay.

02:21:05.000 But we're sitting there talking for 15 minutes, and I remember looking at him going, and he was complimenting on my job I did in the reading.

02:21:17.000 And Jeremy goes, he said, you did a good job 13 times.

02:21:20.000 I said, 13?

02:21:20.000 He goes, yes.

02:21:21.000 I said, good.

02:21:21.000 So we talked for a long time.

02:21:22.000 We talked about kids, everything else.

02:21:23.000 And I remember thinking to myself, this is so lame.

02:21:25.000 And I was a grown man.

02:21:26.000 And I remember thinking to myself, I go...

02:21:28.000 I just really want to be his friend.

02:21:30.000 I hope he says, let's hang out again.

02:21:32.000 I remember saying, I would love to just...

02:21:34.000 I was so starstruck and I really liked him.

02:21:36.000 He was so nice.

02:21:37.000 And I figured, you know what?

02:21:38.000 We're friends.

02:21:39.000 We're kind of friends now.

02:21:40.000 I kind of know him, kind of.

02:21:42.000 That didn't happen.

02:21:43.000 And I remember I said to him...

02:21:44.000 So you thought it was going to happen?

02:21:44.000 I looked at him and I go...

02:21:45.000 You thought it was going to happen?

02:21:46.000 This is what I said to him.

02:21:47.000 I go, so how you been?

02:21:48.000 What's it like just to be the king?

02:21:50.000 Is it just generally boring or a lot of fun?

02:21:52.000 He just looked down and he went, it's, you know, it is what it is.

02:21:55.000 And...

02:21:56.000 And we started talking.

02:21:57.000 I tried to make him laugh, and I did.

02:21:58.000 I've seen him in person.

02:22:00.000 He's the first time I've ever been like...

02:22:01.000 I was at this party.

02:22:02.000 Everyone was there.

02:22:03.000 Athletes.

02:22:04.000 And I was going to the bathroom.

02:22:05.000 I wasn't expecting him.

02:22:06.000 And I saw him.

02:22:07.000 I just went...

02:22:08.000 First time. 1.00

02:22:08.000 Everyone went, oh shit, Tom Cruise. 1.00

02:22:10.000 And he was tiny. 1.00

02:22:12.000 Tiny.

02:22:13.000 Like 5'6"?

02:22:14.000 Yeah, 5'6".

02:22:17.000 160?

02:22:18.000 Yeah, tiny.

02:22:19.000 I think thicker than 160. I think I give him 5'8".

02:22:22.000 Not a chance.

02:22:22.000 But then again, he's in shoes.

02:22:23.000 Probably might have some weird shoes.

02:22:25.000 Probably.

02:22:25.000 100%.

02:22:26.000 But he's thick.

02:22:26.000 He's thick.

02:22:27.000 Hey, I'm a fan, man.

02:22:29.000 I'm a fan. 1.00

02:22:30.000 He's got a dick on him. 1.00

02:22:32.000 We did take a piss together. 1.00

02:22:33.000 What about his obliques? 0.96

02:22:34.000 We took a long piss together. 0.86

02:22:36.000 Sculpted obliques? 1.00

02:22:37.000 You didn't look at his dick. 1.00

02:22:38.000 I'm disappointed if you didn't. 1.00

02:22:39.000 I was at the urinal right next to him.

02:22:40.000 He took a long piss together? 0.99

02:22:42.000 What the fuck does that even mean? 0.99

02:22:43.000 We talked about Dan Gable's wrestling camp. 0.99

02:22:45.000 How long your piss is?

02:22:46.000 We talked about Dan Gable's wrestling camp, because I went to Dan Gable's intensive wrestling camp in Iowa, between my junior and senior year of high school, and he said he would have loved to have, but he couldn't afford it. 0.98

02:22:55.000 We were holding our dicks, and I remember thinking, I'm pissing with Tom Cruise. 0.91

02:23:00.000 I pissed with Dennis Miller once. 0.99

02:23:02.000 That's not bad.

02:23:03.000 That's my story.

02:23:03.000 He's right next to me.

02:23:05.000 Somewhere like NBC or something like that.

02:23:07.000 Hey, Joe, you got a hip on your hands there.

02:23:09.000 It was like Fear Factor first got on the air. 0.99

02:23:10.000 I'm like, oh shit, I'm pissing right next to Dennis Miller. 1.00

02:23:12.000 I wanted to ask him, man, what's all this fucking George Bush shit? 1.00

02:23:16.000 Your buddies with George Bush? 1.00

02:23:17.000 I didn't have the balls. 1.00

02:23:18.000 No? 0.99

02:23:19.000 I wanted to ask him.

02:23:20.000 That's when he became George Bush's buddy.

02:23:21.000 Is there anyone now that would startle you or make you starstruck?

02:23:25.000 Yeah, a lot of people, man.

02:23:26.000 Really?

02:23:27.000 For sure, yeah.

02:23:27.000 Anthony Bourdain.

02:23:28.000 Because you meet everyone, right?

02:23:29.000 Yeah, I got weirded out when I met Anthony Bourdain.

02:23:31.000 That was a few years back, but I got weirded out.

02:23:33.000 He's at all the UFCs now.

02:23:34.000 A lot of them.

02:23:35.000 That guy trains jujitsu every day.

02:23:36.000 Wow.

02:23:37.000 He trains jiu-jitsu every day.

02:23:38.000 He does two-hour classes every day.

02:23:40.000 He does an hour of classes all over the place, even when he's on the road.

02:23:43.000 Really?

02:23:43.000 He was rolling in Budapest, Hungary.

02:23:45.000 I'm a bigger fan of him, though. 0.99

02:23:47.000 He put a picture of him on Twitter with his fucking white belt and a gi showing up at this fucking jiu-jitsu place, at Carlson Gracie's place. 0.99

02:23:53.000 Wow. 0.99

02:23:54.000 He told me they were doing all top game.

02:23:56.000 He said he was shitting out bone fragments. 1.00

02:23:59.000 Goddamn. 0.99

02:23:59.000 He said they all have old-school Carlson Gracie top game. 0.99

02:24:02.000 Oh, my God. 0.88

02:24:02.000 He said I'm shitting out bone fragments. 0.88

02:24:04.000 That's the message he gave me.

02:24:07.000 So, you were a little starstruck with them.

02:24:09.000 Who would you be starstruck with, though?

02:24:10.000 Because you see everybody.

02:24:11.000 I got starstruck when I met Arnold Schwarzenegger and he knew who I was.

02:24:14.000 Oh, he did?

02:24:15.000 Nice to meet you, sir.

02:24:16.000 Oh, my God.

02:24:17.000 I was like, what's up, dude?

02:24:18.000 I got that dinner when I was so starstruck. 1.00

02:24:21.000 Fuck, really? 1.00

02:24:21.000 You're doing a very good job. 1.00

02:24:23.000 I was like...

02:24:23.000 He's a UFC fan.

02:24:25.000 He's a UFC fan.

02:24:26.000 Wow.

02:24:27.000 Arnold's one of the...

02:24:28.000 I mean, yeah.

02:24:28.000 That was a big one.

02:24:29.000 That was a big one. 0.99

02:24:30.000 If I met Clint Eastwood, even though I think he's a silly bitch, you know, that thing he did with Obama when he was talking down to him in a chair, it's still Clint Eastwood. 0.99

02:24:36.000 I mean, he's a crazy old man now, kind of. 0.99

02:24:38.000 It's Clint Eastwood, dude. 0.91

02:24:39.000 It's still Clint Eastwood.

02:24:40.000 You gave him his props right now.

02:24:41.000 Outlaw Josie Wales. 1.00

02:24:42.000 One of the great movies, period.

02:24:44.000 Dying a much of a living boy.

02:24:46.000 Oh, High Plains Drifter?

02:24:48.000 Come on.

02:24:48.000 I gotta be honest with you guys.

02:24:50.000 I'm a lot younger than you.

02:24:51.000 Clint Eastwood's not that big of a deal for me.

02:24:53.000 Oh, dude.

02:24:54.000 I know.

02:24:54.000 It's a shame.

02:24:55.000 If you're a fan of films, though.

02:24:57.000 Million Dollar Baby.

02:24:58.000 Unforgiven?

02:24:58.000 Did you ever see Unforgiven?

02:24:59.000 No, I didn't.

02:25:00.000 The good, the bad, the ugly.

02:25:01.000 It just goes on and on.

02:25:02.000 Yeah, no.

02:25:03.000 It's a different time.

02:25:03.000 I'm way younger than you guys.

02:25:04.000 No, it was before our time, man. 1.00

02:25:06.000 Clint Eastwood's old as fuck, dude. 0.99

02:25:08.000 Don't try to put it in Clint Eastwood's character. 1.00

02:25:10.000 He's old as fuck. 0.99

02:25:10.000 But in his heyday, you guys. 0.99

02:25:12.000 Dirty Harry.

02:25:12.000 When we were kids, when we were like little kids, every which way was loose.

02:25:16.000 Ugh.

02:25:16.000 Every Which Way But Loose was the big movie, which meant that he was already so old he wasn't doing the cowboy movies anymore.

02:25:21.000 He was like this old-school bare-knuckle boxer. 0.95

02:25:24.000 Killer.

02:25:24.000 Dude, back in those days, oh my god, his girlfriend was in every movie.

02:25:29.000 He had this chick, Sandra Lockhart, was that who she was? 0.99

02:25:33.000 She was in every fucking movie he did. 0.99

02:25:36.000 Every movie he did, that was his girlfriend. 1.00

02:25:39.000 The motherfucker had this one girlfriend who was an actress and he put her in every movie. 1.00

02:25:43.000 Every movie was him and his girlfriend until they broke up. 0.99

02:25:46.000 And when they broke up, like, part of their breakup was that he had to get her some sort of a development deal and then she sued him.

02:25:52.000 Hell of a deal for her.

02:25:52.000 She sued him because she said that, like, Allegedly.

02:25:56.000 I should say this is all allegedly.

02:25:57.000 I'm reading this online. 0.99

02:25:58.000 It could all be bullshit. 0.99

02:25:58.000 But she thought that he was blocking her movies from being made. 0.99

02:26:02.000 Damn. 0.99

02:26:03.000 Yeah, it was an ugly breakup, man. 1.00

02:26:04.000 He composes his own music.

02:26:05.000 All the jazz and all the music.

02:26:07.000 Yeah, probably not anymore.

02:26:08.000 Sure.

02:26:09.000 Sure he does.

02:26:09.000 He composes in, what's the movie?

02:26:12.000 High Plains Drifter.

02:26:13.000 That's his score.

02:26:14.000 Have you seen interviews with him lately?

02:26:16.000 Have you seen interviews with him lately?

02:26:17.000 Well, he's very old now.

02:26:18.000 I don't know.

02:26:18.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:26:19.000 He did American Sniper.

02:26:20.000 That's what they say.

02:26:21.000 Or was he on set and they just gave him credit?

02:26:24.000 No, he directed it.

02:26:25.000 He directed it.

02:26:26.000 You know, he's not so old that he can't do that.

02:26:29.000 He's amazing.

02:26:29.000 I mean, that's what makes movies.

02:26:29.000 He's not all up in there like frickin'.

02:26:31.000 You think he's all up in there? 0.63

02:26:32.000 Sir, are you American, right?

02:26:34.000 Mind your peers and kids about Clint Eastwood.

02:26:36.000 Do me a favor. 1.00

02:26:37.000 You hated on Chris Kyle, motherfucker. 1.00

02:26:39.000 Well, I think he lied. 1.00

02:26:41.000 Hold on, hold on a second.

02:26:42.000 It's not hating on someone to tell the truth.

02:26:45.000 It's hating on the rest of the population to pretend that truth doesn't exist and to not take those facts into consideration when you're discussing a story.

02:26:52.000 I hate that, but he's the greatest American sniper ever, ever.

02:26:59.000 Whether he's lying or not, that's true.

02:27:00.000 Those are facts.

02:27:02.000 What do you know about that?

02:27:04.000 I know what America tells me.

02:27:07.000 What do you know about Clint Eastwood directing American Sniper?

02:27:09.000 What do you know about it for sure?

02:27:11.000 It's a movie, first of all.

02:27:12.000 That's what they tell us.

02:27:12.000 And it's a good movie, according to some people.

02:27:16.000 It's a great movie.

02:27:16.000 I haven't seen it.

02:27:17.000 I haven't seen it.

02:27:18.000 You want me to tell you what happens? 0.98

02:27:19.000 Ari Shafir fucking hated it. 0.97

02:27:20.000 I have a video of Ari Shafir and Tom Segura arguing. 0.99

02:27:23.000 Tom Segura says it's amazing, and Ari Shafir says it's retarded. 0.99

02:27:26.000 I listen to Ari on your show Hate On It. 1.00

02:27:28.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

02:27:30.000 He should join ISIS. If what he said was true, does he not have a point? 1.00

02:27:34.000 Was there a rubber baby that was obviously a rubber baby?

02:27:37.000 Not really!

02:27:38.000 Not really!

02:27:39.000 I thought it was a real baby!

02:27:42.000 Not really.

02:27:43.000 I believe he was a real baby.

02:27:44.000 Jamie, you have something to say to him? 0.99

02:27:45.000 I don't go to the movies and be like, God damn, that baby looks fake. 1.00

02:27:49.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

02:27:50.000 Clint Eastwood, come on. 0.99

02:27:51.000 That is splitting hairs.

02:27:52.000 Well, that's just one thing.

02:27:54.000 I mean, Ari had a bunch of points. 1.00

02:27:55.000 That's the least of my worries when I go to the movies.

02:27:57.000 The fakest baby.

02:27:58.000 The fake baby?

02:28:00.000 Okay, let's see the fake baby.

02:28:02.000 That looks real to me.

02:28:03.000 Hold on, we'll see.

02:28:04.000 You just saw it for a brief second. 1.00

02:28:06.000 If you're staring at the baby, you're fucking crazy. 1.00

02:28:07.000 Okay, here's the fake baby. 1.00

02:28:09.000 Right now, that looks like a baby.

02:28:10.000 I'm cool with this.

02:28:11.000 This seems fine.

02:28:14.000 I'm not really paying attention to it.

02:28:16.000 Okay, that was it?

02:28:17.000 And your boy Ari's hating on it.

02:28:19.000 No, there's more, apparently. 1.00

02:28:20.000 There's some real fake baby shit going on later. 0.99

02:28:23.000 Oh, here it goes. 1.00

02:28:23.000 Okay, that's fake as fuck. 1.00

02:28:24.000 Look at his thumb. 1.00

02:28:25.000 Oh, come on! 1.00

02:28:26.000 That's fake as fuck. 1.00

02:28:28.000 It doesn't look. 0.99

02:28:30.000 That's like going to Jurassic Park and being like, that T-Rex, man, I'll tell you what.

02:28:33.000 That thing's just not real enough.

02:28:35.000 You're being dishonest. 0.71

02:28:37.000 You don't think it's ridiculous looking at his thumb moving that rubber baby? 0.96

02:28:40.000 They didn't show that.

02:28:41.000 Yeah, that's from the set.

02:28:43.000 No, it's not even.

02:28:45.000 That's a joke. 0.99

02:28:45.000 That's someone being silly. 0.99

02:28:46.000 They're joking around because it's a fucking rubber baby. 1.00

02:28:49.000 Oh, come on. 0.99

02:28:50.000 Look, the baby can only work a certain amount of hours, and they got union rules for babies. 0.70

02:28:54.000 So it's a bad movie because that baby looks fake?

02:28:56.000 I had to work with babies. 1.00

02:28:58.000 It's a pain in the ass. 0.99

02:28:59.000 Listen, I don't think it's a bad movie because I didn't see it. 0.99

02:29:03.000 But I definitely don't think that just...

02:29:04.000 Look, I don't want to pay attention to the baby, but apparently the baby was only one issue.

02:29:09.000 Ari thought the acting was terrible.

02:29:12.000 I didn't see the movie. 0.99

02:29:13.000 The movie was implausible, was ridiculous.

02:29:15.000 I was just disappointed that I found that he lied a lot about certain things. 1.00

02:29:20.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:29:23.000 He still is the greatest American sniper ever. 0.99

02:29:27.000 Okay.

02:29:28.000 That's a weird thing to say, though. 1.00

02:29:29.000 Like, you don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:29:30.000 So you were not willing to give Anderson Silva a pass on doing steroids for the broken leg. 0.99

02:29:35.000 That's interesting.

02:29:36.000 I'm giving Brian Williams a pass, though.

02:29:38.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:29:39.000 You're very inconsistent.

02:29:43.000 That's me!

02:29:44.000 That's so weird.

02:29:46.000 We go with the wind.

02:29:47.000 That's my entire career.

02:29:49.000 There's kind of like a blind patriotism to that, right?

02:29:51.000 Like, you recognize that he's the greatest American sniper, so all the other stuff you just don't want to talk about.

02:29:56.000 No, I'll talk about it, but him being a great American sniper is the biggest thing.

02:30:02.000 That should trump all of it.

02:30:03.000 Yeah, he lied.

02:30:04.000 He didn't take out people during that...

02:30:07.000 Katrina.

02:30:07.000 Katrina, yeah.

02:30:08.000 Yeah, he didn't do that.

02:30:09.000 He also didn't beat up Jesse Ventura.

02:30:11.000 Yeah, I know.

02:30:12.000 Cool, man.

02:30:12.000 But you killed 160 terrorists?

02:30:16.000 Yeah, I'm cool, man. 1.00

02:30:17.000 I'm going to overlook some of that shit. 1.00

02:30:18.000 You're still a great American. 1.00

02:30:20.000 They're both true.

02:30:21.000 I mean, if it is true, I don't know what's true, obviously. 0.74

02:30:24.000 I'm talking about interviews and people's books and all this different shit. 0.96

02:30:28.000 Unless we were there, we really don't know what the fuck actually happened. 0.91

02:30:31.000 But they can both be true. 0.99

02:30:33.000 I've met people that were movie stars that were also tremendous liars. 0.99

02:30:36.000 I mean, I don't want to name names, but the dude was a movie star, and he's a tremendous liar. 0.97

02:30:40.000 Just makes up stories about all kinds of things. 0.87

02:30:42.000 And you would never believe.

02:30:43.000 The stuff you know is just a complete fabrication, things that never happened to him.

02:30:48.000 And the guy's worth millions and millions of dollars.

02:30:49.000 But one thing we do know is he was a Navy SEAL, and he was a sniper who killed a lot of people.

02:30:55.000 For America.

02:30:55.000 He risked his life for America.

02:30:57.000 So he's okay with me.

02:30:58.000 Hold on, hold on.

02:31:00.000 Yes, he went through BUDS training.

02:31:03.000 Yes, he became a Navy SEAL. Very difficult to do.

02:31:05.000 And he's really good at killing people. 0.53

02:31:08.000 That's a skill set as a sniper that I'm sure takes a lot of things I don't know about. 0.83

02:31:12.000 I don't think that that necessarily means, and I'm sorry to say this, that means he's a good guy.

02:31:19.000 I don't think that necessarily means that he's a good guy.

02:31:21.000 Heroes aren't good guys.

02:31:22.000 It doesn't mean he gets a pass for lying and making up stories about not only killing looters in New Orleans who are stealing stuff, which is already illegal and considered murder under the laws of this land.

02:31:34.000 But he didn't do it, so.

02:31:36.000 Well, but that's what he was saying he was doing, which is very strange.

02:31:38.000 I haven't read the book, so I don't want to talk too much.

02:31:40.000 You haven't read the book or the movie.

02:31:41.000 All you do is know his name.

02:31:42.000 So you're out of the game.

02:31:43.000 Let me play devil's advocate here just as a person who, like, let me just be completely objective, take a wild shot at this.

02:31:52.000 This might not be the case.

02:31:53.000 So I'm just put that out there in advance.

02:31:55.000 What if he decided to tell all these tall tales because the book would be better?

02:32:00.000 And he wanted to sell a book and make a lot of money selling a book.

02:32:03.000 And he didn't understand the kind of media storm and that these checks, these stories are going to be checked and double checked. 0.99

02:32:09.000 And what he decided to do was add a bunch of fabricated shit to a real story. 0.99

02:32:13.000 Because, you know, first of all, he's probably psychologically damaged from shooting 160 people. 0.99

02:32:19.000 Like, I don't think you get away from that for free.

02:32:21.000 No.

02:32:21.000 I don't think you go to war, and I don't think anybody rides for free in war.

02:32:24.000 I think you take in a lot of psychological damage.

02:32:27.000 Everybody says that. 1.00

02:32:28.000 So it could possibly be that the guy just said all that shit because he wanted to sell books. 1.00

02:32:33.000 It's possible. 1.00

02:32:34.000 And is that crazy?

02:32:35.000 Does that make him a bad guy?

02:32:36.000 Because the US government's not paying him very well, right?

02:32:40.000 He's not making much money.

02:32:42.000 So he fabricates these stories.

02:32:44.000 His book is a New York Times bestseller.

02:32:46.000 He gets all this money.

02:32:48.000 Is that It's all possible.

02:32:49.000 It's all possible.

02:32:50.000 All I'm trying to say is this.

02:32:52.000 I don't know Chris Kyle.

02:32:53.000 I don't know anything about the guy.

02:32:54.000 I don't know if he's a bad guy, a good guy.

02:32:57.000 I tend to be pretty patriotic.

02:32:59.000 Well, you know what he did for America, though.

02:33:01.000 Yeah.

02:33:01.000 So usually he gets a lot of leeway with me when you're a soldier and you went to Iraq and you did all that stuff.

02:33:06.000 Yes.

02:33:07.000 For me, that's how I am.

02:33:09.000 But I do think that I still have to at least, like what Joe was saying, when you It's found out that you made up these stories.

02:33:17.000 That's kind of a bummer for me.

02:33:18.000 It's just disappointing that he did lie about something like that. 0.99

02:33:21.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

02:33:22.000 Trying to sell books. 0.99

02:33:23.000 It could very well have been that he was trying to sell books, and it could also very well be that we were talking before.

02:33:28.000 Maybe we need to understand a little bit better, since none of us went to war, What kind of mental toll that takes on a person and that you kind of shouldn't expect them to be completely fine with everything when they come back. 0.96

02:33:42.000 And some of them are gonna make shit up and maybe they're making shit up because reality is so fucking crazy that they don't want to deal with it anymore. 0.98

02:33:50.000 Or maybe he's so fucked up he thinks it's real. 1.00

02:33:53.000 It could be. 0.99

02:33:53.000 Maybe he had a situation where he was in New Orleans and he thought about shooting, didn't happen, but he goes to war, something happens, like, did that happen? 0.99

02:34:01.000 Yeah.

02:34:01.000 Well, it's good for the book.

02:34:02.000 Right. 0.99

02:34:03.000 And by, you know, no one could understand what the fuck that guy's life was like except for him. 0.99

02:34:09.000 I agree. 0.97

02:34:09.000 And it's not even giving him an excuse. 0.97

02:34:11.000 What we're saying is we're just looking at the possibilities. 0.99

02:34:14.000 Instead of saying, hey, this is a guy that was full of shit and he lied about that and he's a bad person, this is a guy that was forced to do some anti-human shit for the government. 1.00

02:34:23.000 People are complicated. 1.00

02:34:24.000 You and I have talked about this.

02:34:25.000 People are complicated.

02:34:26.000 We know certain people that are high-profile people that get criticized a lot and they're hated on, and you know them pretty intimately, and it's like...

02:34:35.000 Yes, they've done some things.

02:34:36.000 They're also complicated people.

02:34:38.000 They also do incredibly good things for people that nobody knows about.

02:34:41.000 So there's no question that people generally are not black and white.

02:34:46.000 They have a bad side.

02:34:48.000 They have a good side.

02:34:49.000 I know I do.

02:34:50.000 I know I do.

02:34:51.000 I know a lot of things about myself I'm not that proud of.

02:34:54.000 This is black and white.

02:34:56.000 This is very black and white. 1.00

02:34:57.000 If you didn't like the film American Sniper, you're a fucking terrorist. 1.00

02:35:01.000 This is easy. 1.00

02:35:02.000 Brendan!

02:35:03.000 Ari Shafir is a Jew.

02:35:05.000 That's what they should do.

02:35:06.000 At airports, this is how they should check if you're a terrorist or you have a bomb.

02:35:09.000 Did you like American Sniper?

02:35:11.000 No.

02:35:11.000 Go to the right.

02:35:12.000 Did you like American Sniper?

02:35:13.000 Yes.

02:35:13.000 Go to the left.

02:35:14.000 What happens when you go to the right, though?

02:35:15.000 You don't get on the plane. 0.99

02:35:18.000 Damn it, Brendan. 1.00

02:35:20.000 Ari Shafir would chew you up if you guys had this conversation. 1.00

02:35:23.000 Bring it, son.

02:35:24.000 He gets so angry.

02:35:24.000 Bring it, son.

02:35:25.000 I get angry, too.

02:35:26.000 You want to hear him ranting with Tom Segura?

02:35:29.000 It's hilarious.

02:35:30.000 The two of them together. 0.89

02:35:31.000 I've got to eventually put this online, but they get so fucking in each other's face about it. 0.98

02:35:35.000 They're like yelling. 0.84

02:35:36.000 It's something really important to talk about.

02:35:38.000 I do think it's important to be charitable about just how complicated human beings are.

02:35:47.000 Yes.

02:35:48.000 It doesn't mean you don't call somebody out online.

02:35:50.000 The bar, just so contrived and awful.

02:35:53.000 The fact that they didn't show him getting shot was actually a good choice.

02:35:58.000 Two hour and 17 minute movie, and then at the end they're like, he was killed that day in writing? 1.00

02:36:02.000 Listen, you communist fuck. 1.00

02:36:07.000 I'll play the whole thing. 1.00

02:36:08.000 I'll put the whole thing up on Twitter. 1.00

02:36:10.000 Listen, you communist fucker. 1.00

02:36:11.000 That's Tom Segura? 1.00

02:36:12.000 That's Tom Segura.

02:36:13.000 They go at it for like 10 minutes in front of the ice house.

02:36:16.000 So he was mad that at the end they don't show him getting killed.

02:36:18.000 He was mad about everything. 0.95

02:36:20.000 He thought it sucked. 0.77

02:36:20.000 He brought a bunch of people from his Twitter feed to go to the movie and heckle. 0.77

02:36:25.000 What's his deal?

02:36:27.000 They filled the audience.

02:36:28.000 The entire audience was Ari Shaffir's friends.

02:36:31.000 I would have got arrested. 0.96

02:36:32.000 UFC fighter beats the shit out of Ari and his friends during American Sniper. 0.98

02:36:36.000 This is not the time to get arrested. 0.98

02:36:38.000 This is not for you.

02:36:38.000 Don't do that.

02:36:40.000 Nah. 0.91

02:36:40.000 Beat up a bunch of chubby comedians. 0.91

02:36:41.000 Chris Kyle forever, son!

02:36:42.000 Chris Kyle forever!

02:36:44.000 Hey man, I can be swayed.

02:36:47.000 Did you see the movie?

02:36:48.000 I didn't.

02:36:48.000 I haven't read the book or anything.

02:36:49.000 He knows nothing about it.

02:36:50.000 I know nothing.

02:36:50.000 All I've read is that I looked at all the stuff online and I was like, well, it's interesting.

02:36:56.000 I haven't read it.

02:36:56.000 I don't know.

02:36:57.000 That's a credible source.

02:36:58.000 I haven't formulated an opinion on anything.

02:36:59.000 You've got to think that when someone has killed that many people for the government, they give them a green light to kill that many people and to kill 160 people.

02:37:06.000 The idea of telling a lie about something, it's really no big deal.

02:37:09.000 That guy killing 160 people doing all these tours...

02:37:13.000 You know, in war, should get a million dollars from the U.S. government for the rest of his life.

02:37:18.000 He should be financially set for the rest of his life.

02:37:20.000 Yeah, no kidding, right?

02:37:21.000 How much do they actually get when they retire?

02:37:24.000 Not much.

02:37:24.000 My buddy's Delta Force was Delta Force, and he said that I heard, and I don't want to say online, but it's so pitiful.

02:37:32.000 It's called hazardous duty pay.

02:37:34.000 You don't make any money.

02:37:35.000 You don't have enough to live.

02:37:37.000 And if you go through a divorce, half of that money goes to your wife. 1.00

02:37:40.000 Oh, in your personal life, you're fucked because their divorce rate's like 96%. 0.99

02:37:43.000 It's not cool, man. 1.00

02:37:44.000 They should definitely get more money in my opinion.

02:37:46.000 It's the stress.

02:37:46.000 The same with cops.

02:37:47.000 Stress.

02:37:48.000 That stress is insane.

02:37:50.000 It's an unprecedented level of stress.

02:37:53.000 It's so hard to deal with.

02:37:54.000 It's also really hard when you're a sniper, you're, I don't know this, but I do know that a combatant can be even a child running munitions to a mortar.

02:38:02.000 And if that child's doing that or a guy's looking at you with binoculars and trying to get a beat on your position, you take them out.

02:38:07.000 Yeah, son.

02:38:08.000 That's hard.

02:38:09.000 It's war. 0.99

02:38:09.000 That's hard for a soldier who gets in command, take that guy out, shoot that kid, shoot that woman because she happens to be somebody who's aiming the enemy. 0.99

02:38:15.000 Chris Cowell had to do that if you watched the movie. 1.00

02:38:16.000 It sucks. 0.97

02:38:17.000 The word hard is not even, it's not a good enough word. 0.99

02:38:20.000 No.

02:38:20.000 It's not that it's hard.

02:38:21.000 It's almost impossible.

02:38:22.000 It's almost impossible to reset from that and be a normal person without some help.

02:38:26.000 I'm sure. 0.99

02:38:27.000 You go from doing that to fucking walking through Radio Shack with your wife? 1.00

02:38:32.000 What? 1.00

02:38:32.000 What the hell? 1.00

02:38:33.000 That's why all these guys coming back from war, that's one way to make America a little bit more polite, running into a bunch of people that just got back from killing a bunch of other people.

02:38:44.000 People have a different attitude when you've been to a war.

02:38:46.000 There's a different mentality.

02:38:48.000 And we have to respect that.

02:38:49.000 And I think we have to consider that. 0.99

02:38:51.000 That's important as a culture, as a society that sort of wants to gloss over war and wants to glorify it and make it out to be all this John Wayne shit. 0.99

02:39:00.000 We have to look at what the fuck has really happened to these people psychologically. 0.99

02:39:03.000 Absolutely. 0.99

02:39:03.000 And the same thing with cops. 0.99

02:39:06.000 Everybody wants to shit on cops because cops do, occasionally they do bad things. 0.98

02:39:10.000 And for you that have been done wrong by these cops that couldn't handle that job, I 100% feel for you. 0.98

02:39:16.000 I 100% feel for you.

02:39:17.000 I feel bad for the cops.

02:39:18.000 We also have to consider the fact that being a cop is this insane job. 0.99

02:39:24.000 Some people become fucking insurance salesmen. 0.99

02:39:27.000 Some people sell cars. 1.00

02:39:30.000 Some people become artists.

02:39:32.000 Some people become cops! 1.00

02:39:34.000 And you're out there, and you're fucking pulling sideways. 1.00

02:39:37.000 A guy's shooting a rifle out of a fucking window and taking people out. 1.00

02:39:41.000 You gotta figure out how to sneak into the building. 1.00

02:39:42.000 You're calling a SWAT team.

02:39:43.000 You're hiding behind your car. 1.00

02:39:45.000 You're hearing fucking bullets bouncing off the street. 1.00

02:39:47.000 Cops have to deal with some insane shit. 1.00

02:39:49.000 You're getting shot at. 1.00

02:39:49.000 And they don't have much experience. 1.00

02:39:51.000 A lot of them don't have much experience.

02:39:52.000 And you know how few of them know how to fight?

02:39:54.000 Yeah, not many.

02:39:55.000 That was the thing that always shocked me when I would train with guys who had been police officers, and they didn't know how to fight.

02:40:01.000 I'm like, this is insane.

02:40:02.000 Like, you don't know any jujitsu?

02:40:04.000 You don't know nothing? 0.92

02:40:05.000 Horrible.

02:40:06.000 Like, if you get in a scramble with somebody, what do you do?

02:40:08.000 Do you know how to get out?

02:40:08.000 Like, they don't know anything.

02:40:10.000 Yeah, they freak out.

02:40:11.000 You could sign up for being a cop.

02:40:12.000 You could be a cop, and you have to just be in reasonable shape and not completely insane.

02:40:16.000 That's it.

02:40:17.000 And then they get in trouble because they get put in these...

02:40:19.000 Listen, I'm not defending all cops. 1.00

02:40:21.000 Some cops are scumbags. 1.00

02:40:22.000 I get that. 1.00

02:40:22.000 No doubt. 1.00

02:40:23.000 But in general, they're good people.

02:40:24.000 And they get put in these situations where...

02:40:26.000 Well, I think in general, all people are good people.

02:40:27.000 I agree.

02:40:28.000 Most people are good.

02:40:28.000 But then you get put in these situations where they have no experience.

02:40:31.000 They don't know if this kid's going to shoot or not.

02:40:32.000 So like, dang, my life, his, they shoot, and then there's this big uproar.

02:40:36.000 It's similar to what we were talking about earlier with referees. 0.57

02:40:38.000 If referees make a mistake, you're making a mistake, and a guy is going to take some fucking punishment because of that mistake, you're not designed to handle those high-pressure situations, or you're not qualified because you don't understand martial arts, or you're just not good at your job. 0.99

02:40:52.000 Like, for whatever reason, not focused, whatever the fuck it is that makes you fuck up. 0.99

02:40:55.000 But if you fuck up as a referee, it's way worse than if Bruce Buffer fucks up as an announcer. 1.00

02:41:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:41:00.000 If Bruce Buffer mispronounces, Brian Casey! 0.99

02:41:05.000 You know, you're like, oh god damn my name. 0.97

02:41:07.000 It's not that bad, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:41:09.000 If a cop fucks up, someone gets shot and dies, or he gets shot and dies, or he sees someone get shot and die that he could have prevented, all that stuff is too much for people.

02:41:18.000 It's a tough job, man. 0.73

02:41:19.000 It's too much!

02:41:20.000 And to have that go on day after day, what do you have to look forward to?

02:41:22.000 When you're 25, they give you a watch? 0.99

02:41:25.000 You look at all the friends that you've had along the way that have blown their brains out or drank themselves to death or fill in the blank, done all kinds of crazy shit. 0.95

02:41:33.000 My buddy was a SWAT team sergeant and he said he knew he had to get out when he was sitting down next to a body that they had shot and the coroners were doing all their vesting and he started eating a sandwich and it didn't occur to him. 0.93

02:41:45.000 He was like, I'm sitting right next to a body and I'm this not phased.

02:41:49.000 I've become so numb to my job.

02:41:52.000 The view of cops, too, it's not like most Americans are not like, oh hell yeah, cops, man, sweet. 1.00

02:41:58.000 Most of them when they drive by, most people, especially the ones I hang out with, they're like, fuck cops. 1.00

02:42:01.000 Americans don't like authority. 1.00

02:42:03.000 Americans always have a problem. 1.00

02:42:04.000 There was an interesting article that I put up the other day that, again, I don't know if it's true, but it was that this town in Texas hired a private security firm and crime dropped by 61%.

02:42:18.000 And that with no financial incentive for there to be crime, because they were just compensated for their job, for what they do, for the hours on the job, they found less crime.

02:42:28.000 They also patrolled areas that had the most crime instead of just arbitrarily deciding where people went based on whatever the fuck it was that they had decided on before.

02:42:38.000 They targeted it, like, very tactically.

02:42:41.000 And they cut back on crime by 61%, and it cost less money.

02:42:45.000 I'm confused.

02:42:46.000 So they hired a private security agency?

02:42:48.000 They fired the cops in 2012. They fired the cops.

02:42:51.000 They said, this police force is retarded. 1.00

02:42:53.000 This government police force sucks. 1.00

02:42:55.000 We're going to hire our own security force. 0.99

02:42:57.000 We're going to vote to do this.

02:42:58.000 So they decided to do this.

02:43:00.000 They hired a security firm to become cops.

02:43:02.000 And because these guys don't have the incentive to write tickets, because they're not getting...

02:43:05.000 It actually costs less.

02:43:07.000 It costs them less.

02:43:08.000 It costs them less and there's less crime. 0.98

02:43:10.000 They're not getting as much revenue from it, but they're also not arresting people for fucking nothing. 0.93

02:43:13.000 So it's going to adjust the attitude of the people that live in the city. 0.94

02:43:16.000 They're not going to be upset at cops all the time because they're not going to think that cops are just trying to pull people aside because they have criteria they have to meet.

02:43:24.000 They have quotas they have to make.

02:43:25.000 Which is insane.

02:43:27.000 They did the same thing with road signs.

02:43:29.000 Jamie, see if you can pull that article up, because it's on my Twitter feed. 0.67

02:43:32.000 It's pretty fucking interesting.

02:43:33.000 There's an intersection in Holland that's really, really busy, and the guy took all the road signs out, because there were a lot of accidents, and said, watch this, I'm going to take all road signs out, and people figured it out on their own, and he does this experiment where he walks, he puts his hands behind his back, and walks backward into the busiest intersection, 0.85

02:43:50.000 and of course never gets hit, because people figure out how to navigate that crazy space on their own.

02:43:57.000 For sure.

02:43:57.000 For sure that guy's gonna get hit.

02:43:58.000 For sure that guy's retarded. 1.00

02:44:00.000 Well, we'll see. 0.89

02:44:00.000 He hasn't. 0.89

02:44:01.000 Terrible story.

02:44:01.000 And I was there.

02:44:02.000 It's not the best story.

02:44:04.000 That's terrible story.

02:44:05.000 I was piggybacking.

02:44:06.000 61% SEAL security solutions. 1.00

02:44:09.000 They hired a bunch of fucking people that were former SEALs and shit. 1.00

02:44:11.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

02:44:12.000 Shit, that makes sense. 1.00

02:44:13.000 Of course it makes sense. 1.00

02:44:14.000 It's fucking smart, man. 0.97

02:44:15.000 Those guys have experience in high-stress situations. 0.99

02:44:18.000 Look at that.

02:44:18.000 Reduce crime by 61% in just 20 months.

02:44:22.000 You know, and also then you're not going to deal with the militarization of the fucking police department. 1.00

02:44:26.000 And this is legit shit? 1.00

02:44:27.000 Yes, it's legit shit. 1.00

02:44:28.000 Or is this written up by the Operation The Seals? 1.00

02:44:30.000 I don't know.

02:44:31.000 I'm just reading what I'm reading online.

02:44:32.000 I've done very little actual research out in the field.

02:44:35.000 I didn't take any plane trips down there.

02:44:37.000 I'm not on the ground.

02:44:38.000 When you privatize an area, the solution goes, when you privatize an area that tends to be policed better a lot of times than if the government has to do it. 0.99

02:44:47.000 Right, but now this is where fucking some Alex Jones shit comes up. 0.99

02:44:49.000 This is what you want, America. 1.00

02:44:51.000 You want former military guarding your streets, holding a gun to your children's head.

02:44:55.000 And who do you think they... 1.00

02:44:56.000 Who do they listen to when the shit hits the fan? 1.00

02:45:00.000 FEMA! FEMA, goddammit! 1.00

02:45:02.000 You got plastic coffins out there in the field. 0.98

02:45:04.000 I've seen them with my own eyes.

02:45:07.000 Look at the guy who is babies. 0.94

02:45:08.000 We support our troops by hiring many employees who have served our country.

02:45:11.000 Dude, I'm not mad at this at all.

02:45:13.000 It's not bad.

02:45:13.000 Look, if it works, I think that there's a lot of things that they do better when you take out bureaucracy, when you privatize them, when you offer them an incentive to be successful, and when they have some support of the community because the community actually likes them.

02:45:26.000 For sure.

02:45:27.000 A lot of times they live in the community, too. 1.00

02:45:30.000 Those are fucking sloppy, out of shape cubs. 1.00

02:45:32.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

02:45:32.000 You need some three out of shape... 1.00

02:45:33.000 Yoked up, roided up dudes where you take care of business. 1.00

02:45:36.000 I want three Ronnie Coleman's just jacked. 0.99

02:45:39.000 Ain't no one doing shit. 0.99

02:45:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:45:41.000 I would go more of a thinner, like Ian Freeman.

02:45:44.000 Yeah, I'm with you, man.

02:45:45.000 I like that they have dogs.

02:45:47.000 I like those big canines.

02:45:48.000 They can smell out anything.

02:45:49.000 Yeah, it's a good idea.

02:45:50.000 Use canine.

02:45:51.000 They have bomb detection, drug detection.

02:45:53.000 Look, boys, drop the drug detection.

02:45:55.000 Let that slide.

02:45:56.000 Let it slide.

02:45:57.000 But I think that, look...

02:45:59.000 I think there's a lot of things that could be taken care of better by the private sector.

02:46:04.000 That's what you see with education.

02:46:07.000 I mean, you get a way better private education in most schools where you deal with really high-level private schools.

02:46:15.000 They're going to have a better education than the best public schools.

02:46:18.000 It's about incentives, man.

02:46:20.000 It's about incentives.

02:46:21.000 And the teachers are more qualified at the private schools, right?

02:46:23.000 A lot of times.

02:46:24.000 They get paid more as well, right?

02:46:25.000 A lot of times.

02:46:25.000 There's some really good public schools out there, don't get me wrong.

02:46:27.000 But if you had to look at them all per capita, like what's going to be the most formal education?

02:46:32.000 What's going to be like the most comprehensive education?

02:46:34.000 There's a lot of people that have a lot of money to take their kids to private schools because they think that their kids are going to get a better education.

02:46:39.000 That's college too.

02:46:40.000 You look at the private universities, man.

02:46:42.000 I mean, the good thing about universities is that people can get scholarships if they prove, you know, academically that they're superior, that they're excellent.

02:46:50.000 Or athletically.

02:46:50.000 Yeah, or athletically.

02:46:51.000 Those are good things, too.

02:46:52.000 They get an opportunity. 0.99

02:46:53.000 But, you know, privatizing shit, that's the thing that I had that guy on the podcast. 1.00

02:46:59.000 The fuck is his name? 1.00

02:47:00.000 Peter, the fucking Peter Schiff. 1.00

02:47:04.000 Very, you know, financial genius. 0.99

02:47:06.000 And he was saying, one of the big problems with college is the reason why it costs so much is because it's all subsidized by the government. 0.59

02:47:10.000 And because it's subsidized, these fucking loans have these ridiculous interest rates, and everybody gets roped in this incredible payment that they get stuck with. 0.90

02:47:17.000 You get saddled up in debt before you even get out of school. 1.00

02:47:20.000 You get out of school, you already owe fuck tons of money. 0.92

02:47:23.000 The good thing about privatization is you can innovate according to your circumstances. 0.97

02:47:28.000 A lot of times when you have top-down bureaucracy telling you what to do, regardless, it's hard to innovate.

02:47:34.000 It's hard to move.

02:47:35.000 If you see it with huge corporations versus smaller companies, you've got to be able to change with the times.

02:47:39.000 You know where I'm torn, though, man?

02:47:40.000 I think every kid deserves a private-style education.

02:47:44.000 It doesn't work like that, though.

02:47:45.000 I know it doesn't. 0.99

02:47:46.000 It sucks. 0.93

02:47:46.000 But I think that's where the problem is. 0.93

02:47:48.000 I think every kid deserves the best possible education.

02:47:51.000 But we said, like, the best way to make America great.

02:47:53.000 Everyone's like, let's make America great.

02:47:55.000 Let's guard our borders and keep our criminals out.

02:47:57.000 This is the best way. 0.84

02:47:58.000 Make less losers. 0.90

02:47:59.000 Less losers. 0.85

02:48:00.000 I agree. 0.98

02:48:01.000 Put shit tons of money into community programs and education and counseling and try to help people that are in bad situations. 0.99

02:48:07.000 People that got a shitty deck of cards. 0.99

02:48:09.000 You know that's been society's problem from day one. 0.98

02:48:12.000 Always.

02:48:12.000 It always will be.

02:48:12.000 What do you do with the people that, not losers as is you're a loser, but the losers in society, the people who don't get a piece of the pie?

02:48:19.000 It's hard.

02:48:19.000 That's always been the issue.

02:48:20.000 It's the issue with the Middle East. 0.99

02:48:21.000 We're never going to solve that.

02:48:23.000 It's the biggest issue with the Middle East. 1.00

02:48:24.000 You've got a group of people who have young men, angry young men, nowhere to place their energy.

02:48:29.000 And you want to go through the list of why?

02:48:31.000 Fine.

02:48:32.000 It's essentially governments that are not representative, etc., etc., etc.

02:48:36.000 It's a major problem.

02:48:37.000 What do you do about it?

02:48:39.000 What do you do about it?

02:48:40.000 I think what you do about it.

02:48:41.000 I'm obviously not a fucking financial planner, but if I was, if I had to look at the country as far as allocation of resources, tax dollars, and how much money do we have, what do we spend it on, I would say let's triple, quadruple, even more the amount of money that goes into education.

02:48:57.000 And anybody who wants to go to college should be able to go to college. 0.93

02:49:00.000 The idea that you go to college and get saddled, and it sounds contradictory from what I said earlier because the best schools, a lot of them, are private today.

02:49:07.000 But still, I still think that the public education should be so much better than it is now, and being a teacher should be worth so much more.

02:49:15.000 It should be like a very prestigious position that's difficult to get and should be worth a lot of money.

02:49:19.000 And you may not need more money.

02:49:21.000 Even a PE teacher, what about a really good one?

02:49:22.000 What about a really good PE teacher that teaches you about physiology, about explosive fast twitch muscle fibers that shows you how to get better in sports? 0.98

02:49:29.000 Nah, what about the one that teaches you like kickball and fucking something? 0.96

02:49:31.000 Why do we have to have that though? 0.99

02:49:33.000 Because it's awesome. 0.99

02:49:34.000 But why can't you have that kind of shit where you have a little kickball game with kids, but you also explain to them, this is what's going on when you're getting tired. 0.99

02:49:40.000 This is what's going on. 1.00

02:49:41.000 That'd be dope. 0.98

02:49:41.000 The food you eat has a different effect on the way your body performs. 0.98

02:49:44.000 Right, and a lot of it doesn't take money.

02:49:46.000 That'd be dope. 0.98

02:49:47.000 A lot of it sometimes just takes a change in approach.

02:49:49.000 Absolutely. 1.00

02:49:49.000 Give them some fucking money. 1.00

02:49:51.000 There's teachers out there that get paid 50 cents an hour. 1.00

02:49:53.000 There has to be a standard though.

02:49:55.000 There has to be a standard, right?

02:49:57.000 There has to be a standard. 0.99

02:49:58.000 You can't have every dumbass in school or private school. 0.99

02:50:01.000 It's not easy to be a doctor, right? 1.00

02:50:03.000 It's fucking really hard. 0.99

02:50:04.000 It's really hard. 0.99

02:50:05.000 You've got to go to school.

02:50:06.000 A lot of schooling, yes. 1.00

02:50:06.000 A lot of fucking education. 1.00

02:50:07.000 A lot of education. 1.00

02:50:08.000 It's difficult.

02:50:09.000 Most people fall out.

02:50:11.000 They don't heck through it.

02:50:12.000 It should be like that to be a teacher.

02:50:14.000 It really should.

02:50:15.000 It should be hard.

02:50:16.000 Finland has probably the most, like according to a lot of ratings, the best school system.

02:50:20.000 They don't test.

02:50:21.000 I think they have one test a year.

02:50:23.000 The teachers are responsible to a large degree in making their own curriculum.

02:50:28.000 They don't have this core curriculum.

02:50:30.000 Everybody has to learn the same thing.

02:50:31.000 You better have some good teachers, man.

02:50:32.000 And more importantly, they pay their teachers and their teachers have a great deal of esteem in the society.

02:50:38.000 And Finland's school system is always outperforming almost every other country.

02:50:42.000 And when I had the guy on who wrote this thing called Finnish Lessons, a book, he said, I don't even like talking about rankings because that's already the wrong way to look at it.

02:50:50.000 And the problem with testing is that that's what happens is you, instead of focusing on understanding, and the other really interesting thing is he said, we focus on teaching people how to solve problems as a group.

02:51:01.000 Because if you think about it, you do a lot of that when you work in a corporation or whatever.

02:51:05.000 You have to test at some point.

02:51:06.000 Because if the teachers always – let's say they're teaching for a year, and it's like, well, let's see if these kids learn anything.

02:51:11.000 No one's learning anything.

02:51:12.000 You have to test at some point.

02:51:14.000 Well, actually, they do because they have to rely on each other to solve problems.

02:51:17.000 So they'll give them a problem, and then they'll kind of let them solve that problem.

02:51:21.000 And they try to mimic – As closely as they can, the real life situations and problems that they're going to come across when they are, for example, working for a company like Toyota or Nokia.

02:51:31.000 I don't like just that.

02:51:32.000 I don't like that new age teaching, man.

02:51:34.000 Why?

02:51:35.000 It's not new age.

02:51:35.000 It's more practical.

02:51:36.000 I think it's more practical.

02:51:37.000 I think you still have to have history.

02:51:39.000 They still have to learn all that stuff.

02:51:40.000 They do.

02:51:40.000 And they do have testing, but not nearly as much.

02:51:42.000 Oh, so they do have some testing.

02:51:44.000 I think they have two tests a year.

02:51:45.000 Well, you said no testing.

02:51:46.000 Yeah, for the most part they don't.

02:51:47.000 But that's just Brian Callen, the way he talks.

02:51:50.000 Yeah.

02:51:50.000 Well, I took it literally.

02:51:51.000 No testing. 1.00

02:51:53.000 Then you have kids just afraid of shit. 1.00

02:51:54.000 No, I said they have one test a year, maybe two tests a year. 0.99

02:51:56.000 Well, there's a lot of people that do think that you shouldn't have that.

02:51:59.000 That shouldn't be your incentive to get a high score.

02:52:01.000 Your incentive should be to absorb knowledge. 1.00

02:52:04.000 That's what stupid people say. 1.00

02:52:05.000 Well, it becomes a competitive thing. 1.00

02:52:07.000 Like, my daughter got a 98. My daughter got a 100. Sorry.

02:52:11.000 I bet you thought your daughter was smart.

02:52:13.000 Competition, man.

02:52:13.000 You need competition.

02:52:14.000 Sometimes we do.

02:52:14.000 It's like sports, too.

02:52:15.000 It's like, you know you can't play tag anymore.

02:52:17.000 You can't play dodgeball anymore.

02:52:18.000 Well, they don't want losers in certain games.

02:52:20.000 My daughter played softball, and no one lost. 0.99

02:52:22.000 That's ridiculous. 0.87

02:52:22.000 I'm like, I watched people lose. 0.87

02:52:23.000 Fuck that noise, man. 1.00

02:52:24.000 How come no one lost? 1.00

02:52:25.000 There were four, and they were barely hitting the ball.

02:52:28.000 I'm the dad keeping score.

02:52:29.000 1-0.

02:52:30.000 That's real life.

02:52:31.000 2-0.

02:52:32.000 That's real life.

02:52:32.000 Janine, you're out.

02:52:34.000 Get the fuck. 1.00

02:52:34.000 You only get three swings. 1.00

02:52:35.000 They don't learn that losing's okay because that's how you try harder because it feels bad to lose.

02:52:40.000 No one wants their kid to feel bad.

02:52:41.000 That's life.

02:52:42.000 Exactly.

02:52:42.000 You're preparing them for life.

02:52:44.000 That's that Calabasas shit, man. 1.00

02:52:45.000 It's not Calabasas, dude. 1.00

02:52:47.000 This is not going on out here.

02:52:49.000 This is going on across the country.

02:52:50.000 It's the little kids.

02:52:52.000 I'm in Aurora, Colorado.

02:52:53.000 You struck out and got made fun of. 0.98

02:52:56.000 I bet there's places today in Aurora, Colorado and all over the country that employ these ridiculous ideas. 0.90

02:53:03.000 I don't think it's local. 0.85

02:53:04.000 I don't know, man.

02:53:05.000 Life is basically, I think life is, if you look at your life, life is working really hard to get to Accomplish something and losing to a degree anyway.

02:53:13.000 Life is about failures.

02:53:15.000 And learning how to navigate that. 0.99

02:53:16.000 Well those failures are what motivate you to never feel that shitty feeling so it gets you off your ass. 1.00

02:53:20.000 Yes. 1.00

02:53:21.000 That's why people who are born rich or they win the lottery early, they're fucked. 1.00

02:53:25.000 That's why we hate those people. 1.00

02:53:26.000 The motivation just slides away.

02:53:29.000 There's very little motivation if you're already wealthy.

02:53:32.000 It's hard for me to relate to a dude who just grew up super rich and he's never had any struggles.

02:53:37.000 It's hard to sit down and have dinner with that dude.

02:53:39.000 I feel bad for them.

02:53:40.000 Me too.

02:53:41.000 I feel bad for them.

02:53:42.000 Because they have no idea. 0.99

02:53:43.000 Especially, you know any friends that are rich that were raised by their nanny and shit? 0.99

02:53:47.000 Where the mom and dad are both working 20 hours a day and no one's ever home and they're fucking weirded out. 0.99

02:53:52.000 They're lost, man. 0.74

02:53:52.000 You see a lot of that. 0.74

02:53:54.000 Those rich guys who are surrounded by yes men and they come up wearing a shitty holiday sweater and you're like, nice fucking sweater and it ruins his night. 0.99

02:54:02.000 No one ever hangs out with these guys, man. 1.00

02:54:04.000 No one ever busts their balls. 0.99

02:54:07.000 That's so true, man. 0.99

02:54:08.000 Sweet new haircut.

02:54:10.000 That's so interesting.

02:54:12.000 Oh, ruins their night.

02:54:13.000 Dude, we were playing a cold, this silly game, like running charades, like a group of us.

02:54:18.000 And I made fun of the guy's boyfriend, the girl's boyfriend.

02:54:22.000 We said, that's not a word. 1.00

02:54:24.000 He had some stupid movie. 1.00

02:54:26.000 And he dropped the hat and threw his hands in the air and went off in the balcony. 1.00

02:54:33.000 And we were like, what?

02:54:33.000 This is awkward.

02:54:34.000 He went out and...

02:54:35.000 Sulked and his girlfriend goes, he just gets really sensitive. 1.00

02:54:38.000 Well, I'm gonna have to smack that guy in the mouth. 1.00

02:54:41.000 That's what happens when you don't keep scoring shit. 1.00

02:54:43.000 I was on a sitcom once and this guy was ad-libbing to something. 0.99

02:54:47.000 It was an actor.

02:54:47.000 It was a couple comics and an actor and the actor tried to ad-lib something and it wasn't funny at all.

02:54:53.000 And we stone-faced it.

02:54:55.000 We were like, what?

02:54:57.000 Like, he just wanted to try something different.

02:54:59.000 How about I say this and that?

02:55:01.000 But it was really, he was not a bright guy.

02:55:03.000 And I remember we just looked at each other and we're like, that, no, I don't think that works. 0.98

02:55:07.000 He throws the fucking script up in the air and storms off the set. 0.98

02:55:11.000 All he said is, I don't think that works. 1.00

02:55:13.000 You tell that to a comic, they go, yeah, something fucked up about it, right? 0.61

02:55:17.000 You tell it to even a lot of funny people.

02:55:19.000 I told that they've People have good senses of humor.

02:55:21.000 We started laughing so hard, Brennan pitched an idea for this thing we're going to do and I was like, oh.

02:55:25.000 And then let me guess, then I go, let's get out of here.

02:55:29.000 I couldn't stop laughing.

02:55:31.000 I was like, that's not funny at all.

02:55:33.000 I couldn't stop laughing. 0.98

02:55:35.000 And we do all that, but we bust each other's balls. 0.96

02:55:38.000 The only thing I won't stand for is if you guys made fun of my Taekwondo. 0.98

02:55:40.000 That's the only thing I put my foot down.

02:55:43.000 It's not good.

02:55:43.000 You're lying.

02:55:44.000 Have you ever gone back and read your notebooks from your first years of comedy?

02:55:48.000 Sure have.

02:55:49.000 Dude, I have a notebook from when I was driving limos.

02:55:51.000 I found it the other day.

02:55:52.000 That's amazing.

02:55:53.000 Must have been awesome.

02:55:53.000 It was unbelievably bad.

02:55:55.000 I should have quit.

02:55:56.000 I bet it's awesome, though.

02:55:56.000 I can't believe I kept going.

02:55:59.000 Me too, bro. 0.99

02:56:00.000 I should have fucking retired. 0.99

02:56:01.000 It was so bad. 1.00

02:56:02.000 It was so bad.

02:56:03.000 Like, my ideas. 1.00

02:56:04.000 And to this day, like, sometimes I'll write ideas that are dog shit. 1.00

02:56:06.000 But I write the ideas that are dog shit hoping, like, man, there's some fucking something there. 0.99

02:56:10.000 Let me just write down, like, a half a concept, and then I'll sit down and start working on it. 0.99

02:56:14.000 Yep.

02:56:15.000 So it might have been that, but more likely I was just a 21-year-old retard with a pen. 0.86

02:56:19.000 Nah, you gotta start somewhere, man.

02:56:20.000 God, I want to tell a story, but it'll make me sound bad.

02:56:23.000 Too late. 0.99

02:56:24.000 Aw, damn it. 0.99

02:56:25.000 All right, I'm just going to tell it. 0.99

02:56:26.000 Don't judge me.

02:56:27.000 We only have, like, two minutes to go.

02:56:28.000 This better not be someone else's story.

02:56:29.000 I was in Jamaica.

02:56:30.000 I was in Jamaica.

02:56:32.000 I don't do drugs.

02:56:33.000 Is this the you getting high in Jamaica story again?

02:56:36.000 No, I know.

02:56:37.000 Lindsay Lohan.

02:56:38.000 See, I don't want to tell it now.

02:56:39.000 No, go. 1.00

02:56:40.000 If it's someone else's story, I'm going to punch you in the dick. 1.00

02:56:42.000 I don't condone... 1.00

02:56:43.000 Try finding it.

02:56:45.000 I don't condone cocaine use at all.

02:56:48.000 I was in Jamaica and somebody gave me some.

02:56:50.000 I may or may not have done it all night.

02:56:52.000 Wow.

02:56:53.000 And I wrote all night and kept waking up my girlfriend, who you know, my old girlfriend, and telling her what amazing bits.

02:56:58.000 And she was like, I was like, and God's a Rastafarian. 0.91

02:57:01.000 And I was high, I was doing lines and writing, writing, writing.

02:57:04.000 And I looked at my notes and it was basically one long bit about God being a Rastafarian.

02:57:09.000 And I thought it was the greatest thing I've ever written in my life. 0.99

02:57:12.000 And it was just fucking chicken scratch. 0.98

02:57:15.000 And the motto of the story, kids, is don't do cocaine in Jamaica because you are never going to write anything funny. 0.99

02:57:21.000 Brian Callen would be appearing at some club in Lexington, Kentucky with way better jokes than he just slugged. 0.99

02:57:29.000 Damn it. 0.99

02:57:29.000 He's going to have a Rastafarian God joke for you, Kentucky. 0.99

02:57:32.000 This is a setup.

02:57:33.000 It's one of the best bits ever.

02:57:35.000 Best bits ever.

02:57:35.000 He just wants you to really lower your expectations.

02:57:39.000 I'm your creator, man.

02:57:39.000 I'm your creator.

02:57:40.000 Exactly.

02:57:41.000 Every team gonna be alright. 1.00

02:57:44.000 The fighter in the kid podcast is kicking all kinds of ass. 0.99

02:57:47.000 You guys gotta be happy about that. 1.00

02:57:48.000 You guys are storming the fucking sports charts. 0.99

02:57:50.000 You're the only thing that's on sports that's funny. 1.00

02:57:54.000 You should be a comedy podcast.

02:57:56.000 You're cheating by being on sports.

02:57:57.000 You know that, right? 1.00

02:57:58.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

02:57:58.000 We barely talk about sports. 1.00

02:58:00.000 You guys need to move over to comedy and talk about sports occasionally.

02:58:03.000 That's what we do. 0.99

02:58:04.000 They look for funny shit. 0.99

02:58:05.000 They miss you. 0.99

02:58:06.000 They might miss you.

02:58:07.000 That's a good point.

02:58:07.000 That was Fox's idea to do sports.

02:58:10.000 You gotta cut that tit. 1.00

02:58:11.000 I'm gonna have to break off thefighterandthekidshop.com. 0.78

02:58:14.000 We're killing it with merchandise. 0.99

02:58:15.000 Kill it with the merchandise. 1.00

02:58:17.000 Go buy the shirts. 0.96

02:58:18.000 Go download the podcast.

02:58:20.000 For sure, subscribe on iTunes.

02:58:22.000 For sure.

02:58:23.000 I'll tell you my story if you do.

02:58:26.000 Yeah.

02:58:26.000 A bonus.

02:58:28.000 Brennan Schaub on Twitter.

02:58:29.000 Brian Callen on Twitter. 1.00

02:58:32.000 That's it, you dirty fucks. 1.00

02:58:33.000 Tomorrow, Burt Kreischer. 1.00

02:58:34.000 See you then.

02:58:35.000 Until then, much love.

02:58:36.000 Big kiss.

02:58:38.000 Peace!

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 03, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #619 - Bryan Callen & Brendan Schaub

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript