The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:10.000 His name is Bert Kreischer. 0.99

00:00:14.000 He's a motherfucking world traveler, unlike any other. 0.99

00:00:20.000 And even if he stops doing this Travel Channel gig, he will be more traveled than any of you fucks. 0.99

00:00:29.000 I mean, essentially, you've traveled way more than the average person ever will in their life, just in the last few years. 0.95

00:00:35.000 Oh, just, I mean, you just talk about the stuff I've done on a daily basis.

00:00:41.000 We talked about this one day, you called me and you said, hey, what are you doing?

00:00:43.000 I said, I'm driving an old Russian motorcycle through rice paddies in Vietnam.

00:00:47.000 And you were like, you gotta talk about that on stage.

00:00:51.000 Yeah, you do. 1.00

00:00:52.000 I'm annoying as fuck at a party. 0.99

00:00:53.000 If anyone's like, oh, we went ziplining. 1.00

00:00:54.000 I was like, fuck, fucking ziplining. 1.00

00:00:56.000 I did 120 on flight lines outside of Vegas. 1.00

00:00:58.000 Almost broke my fucking knees. 0.99

00:00:59.000 And they're like, huh. 1.00

00:01:01.000 You almost broke your knees?

00:01:02.000 Yeah.

00:01:02.000 How did you almost break your knees?

00:01:04.000 So these flight lines are basically ziplines on steroids.

00:01:09.000 They're massive cables and then massive rigs.

00:01:12.000 And you have to control your body in the wind so that you don't go over 100 miles an hour because it's really hard to stop you.

00:01:19.000 However, if the winds are bad, they'll cancel them.

00:01:22.000 We were already up into the hike six miles.

00:01:24.000 You take the hike all the way through, zipline, flight line, then hike.

00:01:27.000 You hike for six miles? 1.00

00:01:29.000 You hike all fucking day. 1.00

00:01:31.000 All day. 0.99

00:01:32.000 And flight line a mile and a half, and then hike to the next flight line, then flight line two miles.

00:01:37.000 They're long. 1.00

00:01:38.000 They're a fucking gangster. 1.00

00:01:39.000 They're in Bootleg Canyon in Vegas. 1.00

00:01:40.000 Go outside and do them.

00:01:41.000 They're amazing.

00:01:42.000 How long is the ride?

00:01:44.000 The ride's probably a minute and a half?

00:01:47.000 Wow.

00:01:47.000 A minute?

00:01:48.000 I mean, you're flying. 0.99

00:01:49.000 You're fucking flying. 1.00

00:01:50.000 What if a bug hits your face? 1.00

00:01:51.000 It hurts.

00:01:52.000 It hurts.

00:01:53.000 Did you get hit in the face by a bug? 1.00

00:01:54.000 Oh, I've been hitting fucking bugs by bugs a lot. 1.00

00:01:56.000 What about a geese? 0.99

00:01:57.000 A goose?

00:01:58.000 I think about that constantly. 1.00

00:02:00.000 Large fucking angry bird. 0.99

00:02:01.000 It happened to Fabio. 1.00

00:02:02.000 What? 0.99

00:02:03.000 Yeah, you know, Fabio was riding roller coasters in New Jersey and a fucking seagull hit him in the face, broke his nose. 0.99

00:02:07.000 No. 1.00

00:02:08.000 Just type in Fabio Goose fucking roller coaster. 1.00

00:02:12.000 God doesn't like Fabio. 1.00

00:02:12.000 That's God. 1.00

00:02:14.000 God's tired of seeing all of his favorite romance novels with fucking Fabio on the cover. 0.99

00:02:18.000 That's what it was. 0.99

00:02:19.000 Remember when Fabio used to pose for all those romance covers? 0.80

00:02:22.000 Those romance books were so fucking strange because they were like men that didn't truly exist in nature. 0.89

00:02:22.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:02:30.000 I think that's probably where minotaurs came from.

00:02:33.000 The idea of a man that's like half horse.

00:02:35.000 That's a minotaur, right?

00:02:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:37.000 Or is it a half horse?

00:02:38.000 That's Fabio. 1.00

00:02:39.000 Oh, damn, Fabio. 1.00

00:02:41.000 You got crushed, son. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Wow. 1.00

00:02:43.000 So yeah, I think about getting hit by bugs and fucking bees all the time. 0.99

00:02:46.000 So you only see it. 0.99

00:02:46.000 There's no actual video of the goose hitting him in the face. 0.99

00:02:50.000 What if the dude just is tired of not getting attention, so he just wailed on his own nose.

00:02:54.000 Right. 0.99

00:02:54.000 And no one fucking saw it. 0.99

00:02:55.000 And said, listen, we all make a deal here. 0.99

00:02:58.000 This is a goose that hit my face.

00:03:00.000 SMACK! Anyway, every one of those romance novels would be this long-haired guy who was super romantic.

00:03:09.000 It was essentially like a morph between a man and a woman.

00:03:12.000 It was like a woman's desire for a man that's one beautiful, Handsome and blonde man with this long luxurious mane of hair and he was always like holding her like she was like She was just going limp and he was like holding her body weight.

00:03:29.000 And that's what sold the book.

00:03:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:31.000 Oh fuck yeah. 0.99

00:03:31.000 Because he did other authors He didn't just do one author and that would sell the book. 0.99

00:03:35.000 Fabio would sell the fucking book. 0.97

00:03:37.000 It wasn't even a picture of him. 1.00

00:03:38.000 It was a drawing of a Fabio-esque character.

00:03:38.000 It was just a drawing.

00:03:41.000 I wonder if Kim Kardashian sued because there was some character in some commercial that looked like her, so she sued. 0.70

00:03:48.000 I guess they contacted her and she didn't want to do it.

00:03:51.000 It was that William Shatner commercial.

00:03:54.000 There was a William Shatner commercial where Kim Kardashian comes rolling in like a karate marshal and has leathers on.

00:04:00.000 I thought it was Kim Kardashian.

00:04:02.000 There was also a Kim Kardashian video game that she had nothing to do with at first.

00:04:07.000 And then she sued him and now she's making shitloads of money off that game. 1.00

00:04:10.000 It's like an app.

00:04:11.000 Yeah, that's a little different.

00:04:14.000 She sued last year for $20 million because there was a woman in a commercial. 1.00

00:04:22.000 The chick's name is... 1.00

00:04:24.000 It's an Old Navy commercial.

00:04:25.000 The woman's name is Melissa Molinaro.

00:04:28.000 And she sued because the chick looked like her. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Aubrey is friends with Melissa.

00:04:33.000 Okay.

00:04:33.000 She's the musician girl, right?

00:04:35.000 No, there's probably a lot of girls named Melissa.

00:04:38.000 Okay.

00:04:40.000 I think that's her.

00:04:41.000 I don't know.

00:04:41.000 Why don't you Google it?

00:04:42.000 There's actually a dickload of Melissa Marinaro's, including the senator's assistant. 0.96

00:04:47.000 Yeah, there's probably quite a few of those girls with that name. 1.00

00:04:50.000 Do you know that girl?

00:04:51.000 She does look like Kim Kardashian.

00:04:53.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 A little bit.

00:04:55.000 Yeah.

00:04:56.000 I mean, she looks like her a little bit.

00:04:57.000 But how...

00:04:58.000 No girls with dark hair allowed to be on TV anymore? 1.00

00:04:58.000 I mean, what? 1.00

00:05:00.000 Is that what's going on?

00:05:01.000 We have to pretend that every girl with dark hair is pretending to be you? 0.99

00:05:05.000 How fucking egotistical is that? 0.99

00:05:06.000 She's stealing her essence, though. 1.00

00:05:08.000 But that's insane. 0.58

00:05:08.000 Look, if someone comes along and creates like a Burt Kreischer wild crazy guy with a beard who drinks and gets... 0.58

00:05:15.000 Let's get fucking crazy! 0.99

00:05:17.000 You can't sue that guy. 0.99

00:05:18.000 That's an archetype.

00:05:19.000 That's existed before.

00:05:21.000 The simple-minded gal who is a materialist who just wants to take photographs, that's not a new thing. 1.00

00:05:29.000 She is actually on a Death Squad podcast.

00:05:31.000 That same girl who got sued? 0.95

00:05:33.000 Yeah.

00:05:33.000 How long ago was this?

00:05:34.000 This was 3-19-2011 with me and Esther and Melissa Maulner.

00:05:40.000 Oh, so it was before she got sued, then, because she got sued, it says here, in August of 2012. Wow.

00:05:47.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:05:48.000 Crazy shit. 0.99

00:05:49.000 Yeah, but, like, I thought of doing, uh, I thought of, uh, we were doing an episode for TripFlip in L.A., and I was thinking about getting, um, lookalikes, like impersonators, like, get, like, 30 of them and have them at a party. 0.99

00:06:02.000 So I was like, hey, you guys wanted to meet celebrities.

00:06:05.000 This is Michael Jackson. 0.99

00:06:06.000 And they'd be like, holy shit! 0.99

00:06:08.000 They were from Indiana. 1.00

00:06:10.000 They wouldn't know for the first five minutes they'd meet.

00:06:13.000 We'd start soft.

00:06:14.000 This is Katie Bell.

00:06:16.000 And they'd be like, whoa!

00:06:17.000 Oh, you know what you do, dude?

00:06:18.000 You get them drunk first.

00:06:19.000 And then the celebrities all come out of a room together.

00:06:25.000 I was like, what if you got Hitler too? 0.96

00:06:28.000 You really loaded it. 0.98

00:06:29.000 That would be ridiculous. 0.98

00:06:30.000 You'd have to give him acid. 0.91

00:06:33.000 This is Jimi Hendrix. 0.99

00:06:35.000 Anyway, so Fabio got hit in the nose by a duck and fucked him up. 0.97

00:06:38.000 So you were on these things and you were actually worried about getting hit. 0.99

00:06:42.000 Oh, definitely.

00:06:43.000 100% worried about getting hit.

00:06:45.000 So there's no precautions, right?

00:06:46.000 Do you wear a helmet or anything?

00:06:48.000 No.

00:06:48.000 You're in a big five-point harness, and then you just go flying, and you're supposed to rock your body.

00:06:53.000 You're supposed to literally go out like this, and sometimes they'll put a parachute behind you to slow you down.

00:06:58.000 Slow you down.

00:06:59.000 Good lord.

00:07:00.000 The weather changed on us, and I was getting nervous because it's lightning, and you're on these big steel platforms in Vegas in the middle of the desert.

00:07:06.000 Oh, good lord. 1.00

00:07:07.000 And I was like, fuck it. 1.00

00:07:08.000 I'm going right now. 1.00

00:07:08.000 I'm going. 1.00

00:07:09.000 And they're like, well, maybe we should. 1.00

00:07:10.000 I was like, fuck it. 0.99

00:07:11.000 And I was already locked in, and the guy sent me, and the winds picked up behind me, so they started pushing me. 1.00

00:07:15.000 And I came in hot as fuck. 0.99

00:07:17.000 I mean, you have, like, these big stoppers that are supposed to stop you. 1.00

00:07:20.000 I blew through all of them, blew through the emergency wind, and went up into the rigging.

00:07:24.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:07:26.000 And I just had remembered someone at the very beginning of the day say, it ran in passingly, when in doubt, legs out.

00:07:33.000 And so, like, when in doubt, throw your legs out. 0.99

00:07:36.000 And I just, that's what I thought to myself, I spread my fucking legs. 0.99

00:07:36.000 Like, spread your legs. 0.99

00:07:39.000 And I went up into the rigging, racked my balls, like, fucking hit my taint, I thought I fucking broke my coccyx, come out, and then I shoot, like, and here's the worst part, is I shoot back, because you went into the rigging, I shot back, like, 150 feet into the fucking, out into the valley. 1.00

00:07:54.000 And I was, like, fucking stuck there. 0.99

00:07:56.000 And the guy had to fucking come out, and I'm fucking... 0.99

00:07:58.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

00:08:00.000 So I come in, and the guy's like, He's like, man, you have no fucking idea how lucky you are that you just had your legs open. 0.99

00:08:05.000 You have no fucking idea. 0.99

00:08:07.000 I was like, really? 1.00

00:08:07.000 He's like, yeah, you would have broken. 1.00

00:08:09.000 If I'd had them together, I would have gone up.

00:08:11.000 My legs would have hit the rigging instead of me, like, straddling it. 0.99

00:08:16.000 And I would have fucking shattered my legs. 0.99

00:08:19.000 Easily. 0.99

00:08:19.000 But you must have worried that it was going to shatter your hip the way you hit it. 0.99

00:08:23.000 It sounds like that's brutal.

00:08:26.000 Nothing happened to me.

00:08:27.000 And I know it sounds crazy, but nothing happened to me.

00:08:29.000 But you just go...

00:08:30.000 I went up like this.

00:08:31.000 Instead of going and going and breaking my legs, I went up like this and then popped down and then shot all the way back.

00:08:37.000 So what it is, is like, as you're going down, if your legs were in the way, it would be too much before the solid rigging hits the...

00:08:45.000 Your legs would have hit the rigging.

00:08:48.000 Right, before the whole system does.

00:08:51.000 Yeah, but instead... 1.00

00:08:51.000 Fuck, that sounds ridiculous. 1.00

00:08:54.000 Look, there's a level of chance in all these things I do, but it's the simplest ones where you get hurt. 1.00

00:09:00.000 The only times I've been hurt was on a blob in Texas.

00:09:03.000 Blob? 0.76

00:09:04.000 It's like a big inflatable kind of mattress where they're half filled with air, and you lay on the end, and then some guy jumps off a 30-foot dock, and when he lands, it's Einstein's theory of relativity, every action there is an opposite and equal reaction, and you shoot up,

00:09:19.000 Equally as high as he went versus his weight.

00:09:22.000 So if he's more than you, you compensate for that and you go up in the air and you go into the water. 1.00

00:09:27.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:09:28.000 Dude. 1.00

00:09:28.000 They're fucking insane. 1.00

00:09:29.000 But I didn't... 0.99

00:09:31.000 I felt myself flipping and I'm not like a natural gymnast so I didn't want to flip.

00:09:36.000 So I started kicking my legs.

00:09:37.000 So I kicked them as hard as I could and I kicked both my hamstrings out.

00:09:40.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:09:41.000 Fucking the most painful thing I've ever felt. 0.99

00:09:43.000 Both of them? 0.99

00:09:44.000 You kicked both of them out?

00:09:45.000 I kicked both of my hamstrings out.

00:09:46.000 Now when you say out, like how bad?

00:09:49.000 Don't know in the sense that I just didn't walk for like three weeks.

00:09:53.000 You couldn't walk for three weeks?

00:09:54.000 I could not walk.

00:09:56.000 For three weeks, I couldn't, I was in the water and I was literally holding my legs, and it's a kids camp, all these kids around me, and I'm just holding my legs in massive pain, and they're like, we need you to go again, and I go, I can't go again, and like, it doesn't look dangerous.

00:10:09.000 Why did they say they need you to go again?

00:10:10.000 Do you need to go a couple times with these things to make sure that they've got the shot and they can get at different angles?

00:10:16.000 So, uh, I was like, I can't go. 0.96

00:10:18.000 And they were like, are you fucking serious? 0.96

00:10:19.000 And they had to carry me to the infirmary at this Christian youth camp. 0.97

00:10:22.000 I go into my bag, take a handful of Vicodins, because, I mean, I've never felt that pain in my life.

00:10:27.000 Do you just have Vicodins on you all the time?

00:10:29.000 I travel with nausea medicine and painkillers, always.

00:10:32.000 Why? 0.98

00:10:33.000 Because you never know if you get hurt, and if you get hurt in the middle of a fucking outback or in the middle of the Sahara, you, like, if you get fucking, say you get attacked by a fucking lion and you're not gonna die, but you have a fucking six-hour bumpy car ride in, I want painkillers. 0.99

00:10:44.000 I'm prepared. 0.99

00:10:45.000 Do you have a painkiller addiction?

00:10:47.000 No.

00:10:47.000 That you're not telling us about?

00:10:48.000 No painkiller addiction whatsoever.

00:10:49.000 They scare me.

00:10:50.000 However, when you are hurt, like when I blew those hamstrings, I grabbed two Vicodin, popped them, and I was manageable until they got me to the hospital.

00:10:58.000 But I had to sit and wait. 0.95

00:10:59.000 They had to fucking wait forever. 0.99

00:11:01.000 They had a prayer circle around me. 0.99

00:11:03.000 Yeah, a prayer circle.

00:11:03.000 Prayer circle?

00:11:04.000 What kind of prayers? 1.00

00:11:05.000 The fucking Jesus ones. 1.00

00:11:06.000 Hamstring gods? 1.00

00:11:08.000 Did you pray along with them?

00:11:10.000 Yeah.

00:11:10.000 Of course he did, right?

00:11:11.000 When in Rome.

00:11:12.000 The counselor came in.

00:11:14.000 The counselor came in? 0.81

00:11:16.000 He was like, you know, looks like the guy from 30 Rock, that like, you know, the white blonde haired nerdy guy.

00:11:21.000 And he like, all these kids around my bed.

00:11:21.000 Right.

00:11:25.000 And he goes, are y'all thinking what I'm thinking?

00:11:28.000 They were like, yeah.

00:11:29.000 And he goes, Bert, do you mind if we pray on you? 1.00

00:11:32.000 And I said, uh, and I was fucking out of it, but I had two fucking hands, and now I'm zooming, and I was like, fuck, bring it! 1.00

00:11:38.000 Did you say, fuck, bring it, or are you just thinking that? 1.00

00:11:41.000 I probably said, fuck, bring it! 1.00

00:11:42.000 No, I probably said, sure, I'd love that! 1.00

00:11:45.000 Don't be cussing!

00:11:46.000 We're about to bring the Lord's word to you!

00:11:48.000 They form a circle.

00:11:49.000 It's so awkward, because I'm out of it, and I, like, instead of, the kid's hand was on my shoulder, but I wanted to touch him, so I grabbed his, like, inner thigh.

00:11:56.000 Like his thigh, and I'm holding the counselor's hand, and they prayed on me.

00:11:59.000 Did he lean into you?

00:12:00.000 No!

00:12:01.000 But then they prayed on me, and I prayed with them, and it was awesome.

00:12:06.000 Wow.

00:12:07.000 Dude.

00:12:08.000 Yeah, I always have emergency.

00:12:10.000 Like, these days, when I've been traveling abroad, I always bring little baby bottles of Jack Daniels with me on the flights.

00:12:15.000 Because a lot of these airlines don't serve alcohol.

00:12:18.000 Do you go to places where alcohol is illegal?

00:12:20.000 There's some Muslim countries where alcohol is illegal, right?

00:12:23.000 Yeah, it was just in Zanzibar, but you can get alcohol.

00:12:24.000 I think you can get alcohol in most Muslim countries, even Dubai.

00:12:30.000 You can get it.

00:12:30.000 Yeah, you can get it in bars.

00:12:32.000 In bars.

00:12:33.000 Yeah, because they want to accommodate Westerners, and especially Europeans.

00:12:36.000 Europeans love to drink, and they want to be a tourist location.

00:12:40.000 That's the big killer, is a lot of these large Muslim investors are going into Muslim countries like Zanzibar and buying up hotels, but they're not comfortable with alcohol and bathing suits. 1.00

00:12:51.000 And some of the most beautiful hotels in all of East Africa are just Muslim-owned, and they're vacant. 1.00

00:12:58.000 They're dead.

00:12:59.000 There's nothing but lizards.

00:13:00.000 Wow, because nobody wants to go on a plane.

00:13:02.000 Well, that's good. 1.00

00:13:02.000 The market dictates your ideas are stupid. 1.00

00:13:05.000 Let chicks wear bikinis. 1.00

00:13:06.000 How dare you?

00:13:07.000 Yeah.

00:13:08.000 How dare you?

00:13:08.000 Who would stop that?

00:13:09.000 What kind of haters?

00:13:10.000 They had a sports bar in the one we were in.

00:13:12.000 And I said, I'll take a Heineken.

00:13:15.000 And the manager came up to me and said, you know, we're a Muslim hotel.

00:13:17.000 We don't serve alcohol.

00:13:18.000 And I was like, yeah, but it's a sports bar.

00:13:20.000 You gotta change the name if you don't.

00:13:21.000 Just don't say it.

00:13:22.000 It's a sports bar.

00:13:23.000 I thought I read sports bar.

00:13:24.000 What did they say to that?

00:13:25.000 She goes, uh...

00:13:26.000 She looks at me and goes, what do you want?

00:13:28.000 And I said, I want, like, a beer.

00:13:30.000 And she goes, for the night.

00:13:31.000 I said, I want 12-pack.

00:13:33.000 She goes, meet me in your room in 10. Wow.

00:13:35.000 She blew you, too? 0.99

00:13:36.000 No, but she came back to my room. 0.95

00:13:37.000 She's like, don't take him out of your room.

00:13:39.000 So she just can stow beer away to you? 1.00

00:13:42.000 He had bought the hotel within, I would say, within weeks of us booking the entire trip.

00:13:49.000 And so they still had a stock of alcohol.

00:13:49.000 Oh, I see.

00:13:52.000 It was a beautiful hotel.

00:13:54.000 It was just changing over to a Muslim hotel.

00:13:54.000 Oh, so it was just changing over.

00:13:56.000 Wow.

00:13:56.000 Yeah.

00:13:57.000 You took the chance, though. 0.98

00:13:59.000 Dude, if I had known that, I would have never fucking stayed there. 0.99

00:14:01.000 Not in a million fucks. 0.99

00:14:02.000 I mean, it was empty. 0.95

00:14:03.000 It was like having the place to yourself.

00:14:05.000 It was like, because no one would go there.

00:14:08.000 And if they are there and they're Muslim, they're not in the pool. 0.99

00:14:11.000 So I had the pool to myself.

00:14:13.000 It was crazy.

00:14:15.000 When I was in Japan, they made me cover up my tattoos. 0.98

00:14:17.000 Japan's fucking weird like that, right? 1.00

00:14:19.000 Did you go to any of the big subways in Japan or any of the big train stations? 1.00

00:14:23.000 Fucking silent. 0.99

00:14:23.000 No. 0.99

00:14:25.000 Really?

00:14:25.000 They don't talk to each other.

00:14:26.000 Like, I have a video on my phone, it's probably on my computer, of me sitting at what is their Times Square in Tokyo at rush hour at like 8 a.m.

00:14:35.000 in the morning, 6 a.m., 7 a.m.

00:14:36.000 in the morning. 0.99

00:14:37.000 Not a fucking word. 1.00

00:14:39.000 You don't hear a word. 0.99

00:14:40.000 And it was so eerie.

00:14:42.000 And I just kept looking at my crew and no one's talking to each other.

00:14:45.000 Now we're not talking to each other because no one's talking.

00:14:47.000 Right.

00:14:47.000 It's that law of, you know, whatever dictates...

00:14:50.000 I heard about it on some podcast about, you know, this guy walked into an elevator and stood, but the guy in the other way was facing the wrong direction and went, huh, and looked at him.

00:14:58.000 Then it stops and someone comes in, faces the wrong direction again.

00:15:00.000 He's like, huh. 0.99

00:15:01.000 And then after the third person, when they face the wrong direction, the guy who was facing the fucking doors went, fuck it, and he just turned around. 0.99

00:15:07.000 Because you get into that assimilation. 1.00

00:15:09.000 Right.

00:15:09.000 Wow.

00:15:10.000 Yeah, but it was crazy.

00:15:11.000 Japan was mind-blowing.

00:15:14.000 Did you like the toilets?

00:15:15.000 Yeah, they were great. 0.98

00:15:16.000 I fucking loved them!

00:15:18.000 Why don't they have those everywhere? 0.98

00:15:19.000 I have no idea!

00:15:20.000 You can buy them.

00:15:21.000 They actually sent them to me after I talked about it.

00:15:24.000 They're amazing.

00:15:25.000 You have them?

00:15:26.000 Yeah, I tried to work.

00:15:28.000 They're in your house?

00:15:29.000 Yeah, you can get them.

00:15:30.000 You can buy them.

00:15:31.000 You can get them on Amazon.

00:15:32.000 Yeah, you get them online.

00:15:33.000 They have them everywhere. 1.00

00:15:34.000 I would just wake up in the morning and just clean my asshole. 1.00

00:15:36.000 Just sit on it and turn it on. 0.99

00:15:38.000 Put on some tunes, warm it up.

00:15:40.000 I rented a beach house that had one too.

00:15:41.000 It was glorious.

00:15:42.000 It was like, yes, they do.

00:15:43.000 Yes, they do have one. 0.99

00:15:45.000 Clean my butt proper. 0.99

00:15:47.000 It feels oddly pleasurable. 1.00

00:15:50.000 Yeah, we did that when we hung out with a gay ship for the night. 1.00

00:15:55.000 Dude, you've been all over the world, like, legitimately. 0.99

00:15:58.000 These things you do, though, scare the shit out of me.

00:16:00.000 When I hear you ziplining 100 miles an hour... 0.94

00:16:02.000 Oh, oh, oh, I just showed Jamie this.

00:16:05.000 That's terrifying.

00:16:05.000 Oh, yeah, it's some of it, you know, here's the deal.

00:16:08.000 I deal with panic.

00:16:09.000 Everyone knows that.

00:16:09.000 I've talked about that to everyone.

00:16:11.000 But it's hilarious that you deal with panic, and yet you do some truly terrifying shit. 0.98

00:16:16.000 Oh, dude, I just jumped off of Moses Mambita Stadium. 0.99

00:16:19.000 It's 500. Take a look at this, Joe.

00:16:22.000 This is me jumping off Moses Mambita Stadium in Durban.

00:16:25.000 So you send this to Jamie?

00:16:26.000 Can we play it on the show?

00:16:27.000 It's from the show.

00:16:27.000 No.

00:16:29.000 From the show itself?

00:16:30.000 Yeah.

00:16:30.000 Okay, so you...

00:16:32.000 Oh my god.

00:16:33.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 Jesus Christ, dude. 0.99

00:16:37.000 It's fucking 500 feet. 1.00

00:16:39.000 It's a beast of a fucking jump. 0.99

00:16:43.000 How many different trips like this have you gone on since you started this show? 0.99

00:16:46.000 You've been doing this show for like, what, four years now or something?

00:16:48.000 Four years.

00:16:48.000 I've gone on 14 times four, so 50...

00:16:54.000 Goddamn. 0.99

00:16:55.000 60 of them, probably? 0.99

00:16:56.000 60 plus crazy adventures.

00:16:59.000 Three adventures a day, one high adrenaline.

00:17:01.000 I feel like I've done everything there is to do when it comes to adrenaline.

00:17:04.000 So yeah, each episode you're doing numerous things sometimes, right? 1.00

00:17:08.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:17:09.000 We've had days where, like, the other day in Michigan, I fucking... 1.00

00:17:13.000 And then you have these things that you don't always talk about. 0.92

00:17:15.000 Like, we're in Michigan, this guy flies us out to Mackinac Island.

00:17:18.000 It's like an hour flight.

00:17:19.000 It's not that...

00:17:19.000 Three...

00:17:21.000 Three hour, not an hour flight, a three minute flight.

00:17:24.000 So it's not that big of a flight.

00:17:25.000 It's a real quick jump.

00:17:26.000 And we meet the guy flying over.

00:17:27.000 I tell him I'm afraid of flying.

00:17:28.000 We land.

00:17:29.000 Next morning he comes to pick us up.

00:17:30.000 We spend the night out on the island.

00:17:31.000 He comes back and he says to me, hey, you want to fly?

00:17:36.000 I said, what?

00:17:37.000 He goes, I'm an instructor.

00:17:38.000 I'll show you how to do it.

00:17:39.000 I got my two travelers with me. 0.98

00:17:40.000 They're like, no, don't let Bert fucking fly. 0.96

00:17:42.000 But in my head, I'm like, now I get this same thing that happens with me on these jumps and all that other stuff is where you go... 1.00

00:17:47.000 Fuck, I gotta try it. 0.99

00:17:48.000 Like, I'm here. 1.00

00:17:49.000 It's there.

00:17:50.000 This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 0.99

00:17:52.000 I gotta fucking try it. 1.00

00:17:53.000 So I'm like, fuck it, let's do it. 1.00

00:17:54.000 So we taxi down the runway, and he gets us in position. 0.99

00:17:57.000 He goes, alright.

00:17:58.000 You just want to throttle, and as we start to feel the lift, just start pulling back.

00:18:02.000 And we just fucking take off, and I pull back, and I'm like, and he goes, and you get up to like 3,000 feet, and he's like, alright, or 2,000 feet.

00:18:07.000 He's like, level it off, and you just start pushing forward, and you feel the plane land. 0.98

00:18:11.000 It was fucking amazing. 0.96

00:18:13.000 Wow. 0.98

00:18:14.000 But those are the ones that aren't even on the show.

00:18:16.000 That's just getting the special access.

00:18:19.000 It's been great.

00:18:20.000 It's been great.

00:18:21.000 I've been having a hard time talking about it on stage because it sounds alienating.

00:18:24.000 It doesn't...

00:18:25.000 No, no.

00:18:25.000 I don't think so at all.

00:18:27.000 You know, that's a hang-up.

00:18:30.000 You're not an alienating guy in any way.

00:18:32.000 You feel like it's alienating because you're a humble guy.

00:18:36.000 Because you worry that it might sound braggy.

00:18:38.000 But it's just your life. 1.00

00:18:40.000 Your life is interesting as fuck, dude. 1.00

00:18:42.000 You're doing some crazy shit every time I talk to you. 1.00

00:18:45.000 I'm in a shark tank in the middle of the ocean. 1.00

00:18:47.000 No, you're not!

00:18:48.000 No, you're not. 1.00

00:18:49.000 Get out of that fucking thing. 1.00

00:18:50.000 We were with great white sharks. 1.00

00:18:52.000 Dude, what the fuck, man? 1.00

00:18:53.000 You can't be doing that. 1.00

00:18:54.000 In South Africa. 1.00

00:18:55.000 And the visibility was shit. 1.00

00:19:00.000 So they were there. 1.00

00:19:02.000 They would draw them in with a big tuna head.

00:19:03.000 And then the shark would just appear.

00:19:06.000 Much like a shark attack.

00:19:07.000 Much like a shark attack.

00:19:09.000 We are simulating real shark attacks in that they just come up on the cage and just...

00:19:14.000 So I got frustrated, and I was like, I wanted to see where the shark was so I could predict it because it was scaring me.

00:19:19.000 So I was sitting on top of the cage, and I'm just sitting there looking for the shark. 0.99

00:19:23.000 And dude, just like out of a fucking movie, the shark leaps at the tuna head out of the water and right at me, and I shit in my wetsuit. 0.99

00:19:30.000 I went... 0.99

00:19:31.000 And I fucking sunk and I was like panicked. 0.98

00:19:33.000 But it was an amazing experience. 0.99

00:19:35.000 Like 14 foot shark swimming right up on you.

00:19:38.000 You know?

00:19:39.000 Dude, I have a hard time just hearing that. 1.00

00:19:41.000 I'm squirming in my chair and shit. 0.99

00:19:43.000 There's a video that I tweeted today. 0.99

00:19:45.000 See if you can find it.

00:19:46.000 There's a guy who's poking at this roof.

00:19:50.000 There's a leopard that's trapped in the roof.

00:19:54.000 In India, it looks like it's in India, where they do have a problem with leopards. 0.99

00:19:57.000 And as this guy is trying to open this thing up, this fucking leopard head pops out of this little hole, a small hole, and then a leopard bursts through the fucking roof and starts attacking these people. 0.99

00:20:09.000 And they're freaking out and trying to run away, and they're trying to hit it with sticks, and it runs into this guy, and this guy fucking panics. 0.99

00:20:15.000 It's like this crazy leopard running around the street. 0.97

00:20:17.000 Here's a video of it. 1.00

00:20:18.000 Check this shit out. 1.00

00:20:20.000 Oh, are you fucking kidding me? 1.00

00:20:21.000 This fucking dude is on the roof. 1.00

00:20:22.000 Okay, so look. 1.00

00:20:23.000 There's holes in the roof, and he's like trying to figure out- Look at this. 1.00

00:20:25.000 Oh, shut the fuck up! 1.00

00:20:27.000 It comes out of the roof and gets after him! 1.00

00:20:29.000 Oh, oh! 1.00

00:20:30.000 That is a fucking- It looks like a lion! 1.00

00:20:32.000 It's a leopard. 1.00

00:20:33.000 It's a big-ass leopard.

00:20:36.000 Look, you see all the spots on it? 1.00

00:20:38.000 Goddamn. 0.98

00:20:39.000 Holy- I mean, it's not very high res, but it appears to be a leopard, right? 0.99

00:20:43.000 Oh, look, that guy's holding the door shut.

00:20:46.000 Am I wrong?

00:20:47.000 Is that a tiger?

00:20:48.000 No, that does look like a leopard. 1.00

00:20:50.000 It's so hard to tell because it's blurry, but it looks to me like it's small and it's fast as fuck, which leopards are fast as fuck. 0.99

00:20:59.000 Super aggressive. 1.00

00:21:00.000 Leopards are super aggressive. 1.00

00:21:03.000 Goddamn, dude. 1.00

00:21:04.000 Fuck all this, right? 1.00

00:21:05.000 I mean, I react the way that guy did with a leopard when a mouse is in the house. 1.00

00:21:09.000 Like, I'm like, and you, like, almost, like, can't stabilize your feet.

00:21:12.000 It's in there, man.

00:21:13.000 Yeah, that's a leopard for sure.

00:21:16.000 So it's hiding back there?

00:21:17.000 Is that what it's doing or is it killing somebody?

00:21:19.000 I think they trapped it.

00:21:20.000 I don't know, man.

00:21:21.000 It might have somebody in its jaws. 1.00

00:21:23.000 It's just a blur for me.

00:21:25.000 Oh, that's its eyes. 1.00

00:21:26.000 Fuck, dude! 1.00

00:21:27.000 That's its eyes! 1.00

00:21:28.000 Looking up! 1.00

00:21:29.000 Fuck all that, man. 1.00

00:21:31.000 And now it's back in the house? 1.00

00:21:32.000 Look how that thing got through.

00:21:34.000 Look how it comes through.

00:21:35.000 It's his house, man, as far as he's concerned. 1.00

00:21:38.000 What does he give a fuck? 0.99

00:21:38.000 They don't have any idea about, like, oh, this guy has a mortgage. 0.99

00:21:42.000 That shit doesn't mean anything to a leopard. 1.00

00:21:44.000 If he finds a good spot behind a wall, that's his house, bitch. 1.00

00:21:48.000 What, are you gonna come take it? 1.00

00:21:49.000 You're not a lion.

00:21:50.000 Get out of here.

00:21:51.000 Look at that there. 0.99

00:21:53.000 Fucking terrifying. 0.99

00:21:54.000 There was a crazy video of, apparently that happens in some parts of India all the time. 0.99

00:21:59.000 And there was a crazy video, or a series of images rather, of this guy who had a scalp removed by this leopard.

00:22:06.000 This leopard literally claws the dude's head and his scalp comes off like a flap.

00:22:13.000 See if you can find that.

00:22:14.000 No, no, no.

00:22:15.000 You need to see it.

00:22:16.000 You need to see it.

00:22:17.000 This is important.

00:22:19.000 The guy, he's fine.

00:22:19.000 You need to see it.

00:22:21.000 He got all stitched up.

00:22:22.000 He's got a cool story.

00:22:23.000 But look at the size of the flap and you realize, oh, these guys have razor blades on their fingers. 1.00

00:22:29.000 It's like it just sliced them like a fucking perfect meat knife. 0.99

00:22:33.000 And all it takes is a scent of some perfume they don't like. 1.00

00:22:37.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:38.000 But they're so unpredictable. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Yeah, fuck leopards. 1.00

00:22:42.000 Fuck jaguars. 1.00

00:22:43.000 Fuck leopards. 1.00

00:22:44.000 I wouldn't mind having one of those big savannah cats, though. 1.00

00:22:48.000 Those like servals.

00:22:49.000 Oh, dude.

00:22:50.000 Just like five of them to run my backyard.

00:22:53.000 Dude, they growl at you. 1.00

00:22:54.000 I like that shit. 1.00

00:22:56.000 Sounds sexual. 1.00

00:22:58.000 I just want something standing on my chest in the morning like... 0.85

00:23:01.000 Jon Jones has a couple of those.

00:23:03.000 He's got Bengals, one of those types of cats.

00:23:06.000 He's got them on his Instagram all the time.

00:23:08.000 He's got these big-ass cats.

00:23:09.000 They're really big.

00:23:10.000 He takes them with him on the road because you have to really bond with them.

00:23:15.000 You have to bond with them. 0.99

00:23:16.000 So he takes them with him when he goes to places to train and he does shit. 0.99

00:23:19.000 He goes on press trips and shit like that. 0.98

00:23:22.000 Took it to his hotel in L.A. Yeah, he brings that thing with him. 0.88

00:23:22.000 Really? 0.88

00:23:25.000 Jon Jones is eccentric as fuck. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Now you gotta be. 1.00

00:23:29.000 He's eccentric as fuck. 1.00

00:23:31.000 He brings a giant cat with him everywhere. 1.00

00:23:34.000 I love one of those.

00:23:35.000 Takes it walking on the leash.

00:23:37.000 Yeah, this is the guy's head.

00:23:37.000 Oh no, I don't want to see that!

00:23:38.000 Look at the top of his head.

00:23:39.000 Come on, son.

00:23:40.000 Yeah, I see that.

00:23:41.000 I see that.

00:23:42.000 Welcome to the world of leopards.

00:23:44.000 Welcome to the world of reality. 0.76

00:23:45.000 Look at that scalp. 0.67

00:23:47.000 It scalped him, man. 1.00

00:23:48.000 I mean, that's like some cartoon shit. 0.99

00:23:51.000 That's how terrifying that thing is. 0.99

00:23:53.000 You ever cut off the tip of your finger and then you just kind of push it back on and just hope it just stays?

00:23:57.000 You're like, that never happened.

00:23:58.000 Super glue.

00:23:58.000 That never happened.

00:23:59.000 Yeah.

00:24:00.000 That's what I would have done, just put it back on and be like, that doesn't happen. 0.98

00:24:03.000 Well, they stitched that bitch back up, but who knows if it took. 1.00

00:24:06.000 You know, when you get a cut that big, sometimes, like, the blood supply's compromised, you can get infected. 0.95

00:24:12.000 No, you're the kind of guy that if you lost the tip of your pinky finger, that it would affect you or that it would just become who you are and then that's a bad, just like... 0.89

00:24:26.000 That's pretty goddamn small.

00:24:29.000 I think you take it like a man and you just move on. 0.98

00:24:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:32.000 And if it comes up, you go, yeah, fucking hell, my pinky finger. 1.00

00:24:34.000 See, that's you. 1.00

00:24:35.000 The tip of my pinky finger. 0.99

00:24:36.000 I'd be like, I'd be fucking heartbroken. 0.98

00:24:38.000 Would you really? 0.98

00:24:39.000 Okay.

00:24:39.000 Yeah.

00:24:40.000 I'd be... 1.00

00:24:41.000 Get over it, bitch. 1.00

00:24:42.000 These people in India, they're fighting giant cats. 1.00

00:24:42.000 You live in America. 1.00

00:24:45.000 They're popping into their fucking shitty house. 1.00

00:24:47.000 Their house has holes in it that cats claw through. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Those aren't even the cobras.

00:24:50.000 There's cobras all over India. 1.00

00:24:52.000 All kinds of shit. 1.00

00:24:52.000 Oh, everything. 1.00

00:24:53.000 How about tigers?

00:24:54.000 How about there's places in India where, over the last 200 years, 300,000 people have been killed by tigers?

00:25:01.000 Yeah.

00:25:02.000 How about that? 0.99

00:25:03.000 I wouldn't fuck with tigers. 1.00

00:25:03.000 I fuck with lions, but I wouldn't fuck with tigers. 1.00

00:25:05.000 And this is the most hilarious thing. 1.00

00:25:07.000 They're trying to save them.

00:25:08.000 They're trying to save these tigers. 1.00

00:25:10.000 It's so important that we make sure that we keep a healthy population of monsters running through the fucking jungle that eat people. 0.99

00:25:19.000 Let's make sure we keep them alive. 0.99

00:25:21.000 They're super important.

00:25:22.000 Because without them alive, we would be so sad.

00:25:25.000 We lost the monsters.

00:25:26.000 The monsters died. 1.00

00:25:27.000 We're fucking crazy like that. 0.99

00:25:29.000 Did you ever hear Colin Quinn's joke about polar bears? 1.00

00:25:32.000 No.

00:25:32.000 He goes, I'm trying to save the polar bears?

00:25:35.000 Save the polar bears? 0.99

00:25:36.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

00:25:37.000 Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something. 1.00

00:25:38.000 If a polar bear came in this room, you'd be throwing your fucking chairs at it! 0.99

00:25:42.000 That's so true. 1.00

00:25:43.000 I'm doing a horrible...

00:25:44.000 Colin Quinn!

00:25:45.000 Have you seen his new thing, Cop Show?

00:25:47.000 What is it?

00:25:48.000 It's on LTV, I think,.com.

00:25:51.000 It's really good.

00:25:53.000 It is really good.

00:25:54.000 It's a Colin Quinn show?

00:25:55.000 It's a Colin Quinn.

00:25:57.000 It's like a documentary about a cop show, and Colin Quinn plays the lead cop. 0.86

00:26:01.000 But it's a documentary about his TV show, and it is fucking hilarious. 0.83

00:26:07.000 Oh, so a mockumentary. 1.00

00:26:08.000 It's a mockumentary, and if you like Colin Quinn, if you like Colin Quinn a little bit, you're going to lose your fucking mind. 0.99

00:26:13.000 He is so goddamn funny. 0.99

00:26:15.000 It's called Cop Show? 0.96

00:26:16.000 It's called Cop Show, and he's got guests on.

00:26:18.000 He had Jerry Seinfeld on one of the ones I saw, Jim Norton, Keith Robinson's on all of them.

00:26:26.000 He plays his buddy.

00:26:28.000 I think he's like a very underappreciated talent, Colin Quinn.

00:26:31.000 Oh, dude.

00:26:32.000 I really do. 0.99

00:26:33.000 I think he's like, to people that are intelligent, he's fucking brilliant. 1.00

00:26:37.000 But to really stupid people, they're like, that shit ain't even funny. 1.00

00:26:41.000 There's a lot of stupid people that, especially on his Twitter... 1.00

00:26:44.000 Like, they miss all the jokes. 1.00

00:26:46.000 Like, if you know his style of humor, you know how he's like, he's absurd, but barely. 0.96

00:26:52.000 You know, to the point where, like, he's obviously fucking with you, but he's doing it cleverly.

00:26:58.000 You know, and when he does, it's like, if you know Colin's type of humor and you're a fan of his, it becomes really, really funny. 0.95

00:27:04.000 It's like he's trolling everyone on the internet.

00:27:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:08.000 Jay Moore does a fucking fantastic Colin. 0.99

00:27:10.000 His Colin's creepy, dead on point. 0.99

00:27:14.000 Colin's a unique dude. 0.98

00:27:15.000 I really feel like he's underappreciated because he's been around a long goddamn time. 0.99

00:27:19.000 He was on TV back when fucking... 0.98

00:27:22.000 He was on remote control, wasn't he? 0.99

00:27:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:25.000 He was on TV when I was in high school.

00:27:27.000 And I'm an old man.

00:27:27.000 Yeah.

00:27:28.000 Yeah, he was on TV when I was an open miker, I'm pretty sure.

00:27:31.000 I remember him being on TV. He's been around a long time.

00:27:35.000 We did an episode of Trip Flip with Colin Quinn.

00:27:37.000 He was on it.

00:27:38.000 And we were going to have people do stand-up.

00:27:40.000 And so we said, what we'll do?

00:27:41.000 I said, Colin, I'll give you the mic, and then I'll put an IFB in our guy's ear.

00:27:44.000 And then you just tell him the jokes to say, and he'll say them.

00:27:47.000 And Colin's like, perfect.

00:27:47.000 Right.

00:27:49.000 So I was like, all right, let's test it out.

00:27:50.000 So we put this kid in the room and Colin in the other room.

00:27:52.000 And I go, alright, let's go. 0.69

00:27:54.000 And we had completely forgotten that Colin Quinn is so fucking funny that when you hear him talk, you'll fall apart laughing. 0.90

00:28:00.000 So the kid couldn't say anything because he's just doubled over going, say it again, say it again! 0.96

00:28:05.000 And all he was doing was making fun of me.

00:28:07.000 He's like, what's this guy, an ex-WWF wrestler?

00:28:10.000 What's up with the beard?

00:28:11.000 Like, just destroying me.

00:28:13.000 But yeah, Colin...

00:28:14.000 I think Colin...

00:28:15.000 Tough Crowd is one of my favorite shows ever.

00:28:17.000 You know, Keith Robinson and Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane were talking about that the other day on their podcast.

00:28:23.000 It might have been their show.

00:28:23.000 It was on...

00:28:25.000 Like, they were on XM. But they were talking and they were taking calls and stuff.

00:28:30.000 And they were talking about how, like, there's a different kind of mentality, at least in L.A., at the clubs... 0.92

00:28:38.000 All the mean comics have died off, like that fun, mean shit where you don't really mean it, but it's hilarious, just tearing each other apart.

00:28:44.000 That stuff has died off for some reason, and it's been replaced by, Bonnie said it best, she said it was like an acting class sort of a vibe.

00:28:53.000 That everyone's like, good to see you.

00:28:55.000 I really enjoyed you on this.

00:28:57.000 I really thought you were me.

00:28:58.000 She goes, it's like this weird alt crowd is coming over and there's like this air of phoniness about it all.

00:29:04.000 That you get from like acting class.

00:29:04.000 Yeah.

00:29:06.000 You know, like acting class is filled with people that are trying to like posture themselves.

00:29:11.000 Real actors too, but you know what I'm saying. 0.97

00:29:13.000 There's a few people in every fucking acting class that are trying really hard to become that person. 0.98

00:29:21.000 Stereotypical, prototypical California actor. 0.99

00:29:24.000 Where they don't say, here's one of the things they don't say.

00:29:26.000 They don't say, nice to meet you.

00:29:28.000 Because they might have already met you.

00:29:29.000 So they say, good to see you.

00:29:31.000 They all say it!

00:29:32.000 They all say it! 1.00

00:29:33.000 They all fucking say it! 0.99

00:29:34.000 Good to see you! 0.99

00:29:35.000 Listen, you can't say that.

00:29:37.000 You can't say, good to see you, unless you're seeing me again.

00:29:40.000 It's like, good to see you again.

00:29:41.000 Oh, again.

00:29:42.000 Where's the again?

00:29:43.000 Good to see you?

00:29:44.000 Good to see you?

00:29:45.000 It's good to see everything.

00:29:46.000 It's good to not be blind.

00:29:47.000 I agree.

00:29:48.000 Good to see you?

00:29:49.000 Are you seeing me for the first time?

00:29:51.000 How many times do you think you've seen me before? 1.00

00:29:53.000 How many times we met, motherfucker? 1.00

00:29:55.000 Do you know me, bitch? 1.00

00:29:56.000 Yes or no? 1.00

00:29:58.000 No, you don't know me, you fucking fraud! 1.00

00:30:00.000 Imagine that. 1.00

00:30:01.000 You say, yeah, we met before. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Fuck, we have! 1.00

00:30:03.000 We never met before. 1.00

00:30:04.000 Good to see you. 1.00

00:30:06.000 What does that mean, you noncommittal fuck? 1.00

00:30:08.000 I saw a dude at my kid's school today at drop-off. 0.99

00:30:11.000 I'm talking to my buddy John, and some guy goes, hey, what's up, Bert?

00:30:14.000 My buddy John, and I just talked to my buddy John and go, well, because I won't say anything.

00:30:14.000 Hey, Chris?

00:30:18.000 That happens all the time.

00:30:19.000 I've done that before.

00:30:20.000 And you go, oh, no, did I say Steve? 1.00

00:30:22.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:30:23.000 His name's not Steve. 1.00

00:30:25.000 Now I have to tell him I know his real name. 0.99

00:30:27.000 Oh, I fucking hate that. 0.99

00:30:28.000 Come on, Bob. 1.00

00:30:29.000 You think I think you're Steve? 1.00

00:30:30.000 That's why I call everyone Boo for the same reason because I've fucked myself over so many times. 0.99

00:30:34.000 And when you fuck yourself over the wrong comic or comedian, they're always going to remember that. 1.00

00:30:38.000 Like that motherfucker called me Jeff or something like that. 1.00

00:30:41.000 People have a hard time letting that shit go. 1.00

00:30:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:43.000 I have a hard time remembering names.

00:30:45.000 Yeah, of course you do.

00:30:46.000 Well, that's that thing.

00:30:48.000 There's a certain number that you have in your head.

00:30:51.000 And you get past that number, and it's called Dunbar's number.

00:30:54.000 You got 150 people in your head.

00:30:56.000 That's it.

00:30:57.000 That's all you got room for.

00:30:58.000 You get more than 150 people, you gotta delete names. 1.00

00:30:58.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:31:01.000 Like, you can't have, like, friendships with more than 150 people. 1.00

00:31:04.000 You just don't have the data base.

00:31:05.000 I think I spent those numbers up in, like, third grade when I'd look at the yearbook and look at the kids older than me.

00:31:09.000 There's still people older than me in Berkeley Prep grade school that I remember them distinctly.

00:31:16.000 I remember looking at those pictures and seeing the hot girls, Holly Clifford, and now I still remember her.

00:31:16.000 Sure.

00:31:20.000 I remember what her picture looked like.

00:31:21.000 People that had an impact on you, you're going to remember them for sure.

00:31:24.000 You're always going to remember them.

00:31:25.000 Yeah.

00:31:26.000 But people that, like, if you meet a bunch of people on a daily basis, like, how many people are you meeting?

00:31:30.000 You're talking about you did 60 fucking shows, and how many people are on each show? 0.72

00:31:34.000 That's like 120 people already, right? 0.99

00:31:36.000 At least?

00:31:36.000 Yeah.

00:31:37.000 So that's no way.

00:31:38.000 There's no way you're going to remember all of them.

00:31:40.000 It's unfortunate. 0.99

00:31:40.000 Like, there's people that were on Fear Factor, and I'll meet them again, and I'll go, What the fuck? 0.99

00:31:44.000 Where do I know? 0.93

00:31:45.000 I try to remember where I know them.

00:31:46.000 Oh, we did the thing with the bowl.

00:31:48.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:49.000 Oh, hey, man.

00:31:50.000 How you doing?

00:31:50.000 And then all of a sudden, I have access to those files again.

00:31:54.000 My brain will go, yeah, yeah, let me pull that up.

00:31:56.000 Here it is.

00:31:57.000 In my regular brain, my regular memory, it just wasn't available.

00:32:01.000 But your brain will give you access to these files if you pull them up every now and then.

00:32:06.000 If you delete certain things, you could still find them.

00:32:09.000 They're in your trash, but you haven't emptied your trash yet.

00:32:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:32:13.000 It gives you a chance to pull them back.

00:32:16.000 But I think it gets to a certain point and then there's no more file.

00:32:20.000 The file does not exist.

00:32:21.000 Yeah, I'm done.

00:32:22.000 I'm done with the files. 0.87

00:32:23.000 And now I'm dreaming so intensely that I'm literally going through every morning and I have like fucking 13 dreams that I'm remembering. 0.95

00:32:31.000 And that's kind of fucking with my day. 0.65

00:32:33.000 Why are you having so many dreams? 0.63

00:32:34.000 I have no idea, man.

00:32:35.000 I think I broke my governor with the lucid dreaming.

00:32:39.000 Like, I got really into lucid dreaming, and I was lucid dreaming constantly.

00:32:42.000 Still am.

00:32:43.000 I mean, today, last night I had a dream about getting arrested at the Hillsborough Lake with a bunch of my friends.

00:32:48.000 And I was in my underwear, and they had the dogs putting us down. 0.80

00:32:50.000 And then I woke up, and they had thrown tear gas at us, and the dogs were standing over us and were handcuffed.

00:32:55.000 And it's like me and four friends spread out.

00:32:57.000 And I woke up, and I went, oh, I'm not done with that cop.

00:32:59.000 Because I need to levy justice in that dream.

00:33:03.000 And so I went back to sleep and I just started dreaming immediately about that cop.

00:33:07.000 So this is something that we actually talked about this.

00:33:09.000 Did we talk about this?

00:33:10.000 You and I talked about this on the podcast before?

00:33:12.000 You got me on Alpha Brain and what I've realized is my lucid dreaming is attached to Alpha Brain in the sense that Alpha Brain will give me energy and make me think quicker and faster.

00:33:21.000 I don't know if it was caffeine or what was in it.

00:33:24.000 It's no caffeine.

00:33:25.000 It's probably choline.

00:33:26.000 Acetylcholine is something that people have reported.

00:33:29.000 If you take it, it gives you really intense dreams.

00:33:32.000 Yeah, that's a one of the like universal things that people said about alpha brain is the the dream part I've always said it makes it feels like I got I'm not a lucid dreamer where I don't have any techniques I don't practice it but occasionally I found myself in that state and when I find myself in that state where I realize that I'm dreaming It feels like it's more it's it always used to feel like a like a child's bubble You know when you blow a bubble like if you touch it it pops.

00:33:55.000 Yeah, it became like a basketball I'm like I could bounce this motherfucker around like this dream I could bounce it around, but I know I never pursued it You pursued it like you got into like the techniques and you you got into like getting your mind in the right state No,

00:34:11.000 no just blacking out and then passing out drunk Yeah, but I mean you say you got into lucid dreaming like you're practicing it, right? 0.92

00:34:17.000 The thing is is that I found myself waking up and being able to get back into dreams and And then I went, there's something to that.

00:34:24.000 And then I found myself, for a big chunk, a big, big chunk, being in a dream state for almost the entire night without sleeping.

00:34:32.000 Like, I mean, and I put this on the sensitivity of my Fitbit watch.

00:34:36.000 I put it on the sensitivity.

00:34:37.000 Very sensitive when I sleep.

00:34:38.000 I'm always sleeping, really, like, sleeping, like, three to four hours a night.

00:34:42.000 But I'm out the whole night.

00:34:44.000 But I'm having these intense, really...

00:34:49.000 Like, all-encompassing dreams, you know?

00:34:51.000 And I was weaving my way in and out of them.

00:34:54.000 I was having my way with them.

00:34:56.000 I mean, they were like, it was like next level. 0.93

00:34:58.000 I talked about it on a podcast I did with Shane Moss, and I ended up, he asked me about the stream, I told him, and then I ended up crying in the middle of it because it was about a buddy who killed himself, but it was such a surreal fucking dream that even telling anyone about it, they're like, how the fuck did that, like, are you serious?

00:35:12.000 Did you ever think about reading books on it and getting deep into the methods that people use to achieve those states?

00:35:19.000 I did online.

00:35:21.000 I've read a bunch about dreaming online and I even took it as far as I became obsessed with it and I wanted to do a dreamcast where I'd bring in like a zen buddhist monk to relax you And get you to sleep, and then for like seven minutes we get you to sleep,

00:35:36.000 and then give you a period of two minutes silent, and then I am like the Dreamweaver.

00:35:40.000 And I go, alright guys, we're in.

00:35:42.000 And so as you're sleeping, because that happens to me a lot, I know I've told you that, I'll have dreams of you, I dream of you and Fitzsimmons hanging out in my living room talking, and I just, it was you guys on my podcast, and I was sleeping and it was just immersing itself into my head.

00:35:54.000 Wow.

00:35:54.000 And it's like, it was so funny because whatever you guys were talking about, I had an opinion, and I kept trying to interrupt you guys, and you were like, hold on, Bert, Bert, stop.

00:36:02.000 How bizarre.

00:36:03.000 But yeah, dreaming for me is like...

00:36:06.000 I feel like I need it in life in order to stay sane. 0.94

00:36:10.000 Because my dreams are like fucking literally... 0.91

00:36:13.000 When I say 13 dreams a night that I remember, sometimes 30 dreams. 1.00

00:36:17.000 God damn, dude. 0.99

00:36:18.000 And you remember them all? 1.00

00:36:19.000 I remember...

00:36:20.000 What will happen is I'll tell you one, and then as I tell you one, it'll untangle all the other ones, and it'll start coming out like a braid.

00:36:28.000 And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:29.000 And then...

00:36:30.000 And so I called Doug Benson.

00:36:32.000 My dreams were so intense at one point.

00:36:34.000 Doug Benson asked me to leave them to him on his answering machine.

00:36:38.000 So I leave him on his answering machine now.

00:36:41.000 And then he puts them on Doug Loves Minis.

00:36:43.000 So he puts my dreams on Doug Loves Minis.

00:36:45.000 Like, I mean, I can't even, like, I had a dream one time.

00:36:48.000 This is one of my funnier dreams.

00:36:50.000 Doug Benson has an answering machine? 1.00

00:36:51.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:36:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:52.000 It's his voicemail.

00:36:54.000 It's just his voicemail.

00:36:55.000 Can you use his car phone to call his answering machine?

00:37:00.000 I had a dream one time that I'm standing like this, okay?

00:37:04.000 I'm on stage, and I'm standing like this.

00:37:06.000 Okay, hands on the hips, very feminine, more flamboyantly gay than feminine. 0.90

00:37:11.000 If a woman did that, you'd be confused. 1.00

00:37:13.000 So I look, and I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:37:15.000 And there's a curtain right in front of me, and I'm like, what is this? 0.99

00:37:16.000 And I look to the left, and I see four dudes, staggered stance, two with me, two behind us, in Klan outfits.

00:37:25.000 Ku Klux Klan.

00:37:26.000 Ku Klux Klan outfits.

00:37:27.000 And I look, and you know sometimes there'll be a mirror on the side of those stages?

00:37:30.000 I look and I see me.

00:37:31.000 I'm not in a Klan outfit, but I'm all in white, and I've got a dunce cap on.

00:37:35.000 And I'm like, that's close enough.

00:37:37.000 Like, even if I don't look just like them, and in the dream I thought, Travel Channel's gonna be pissed.

00:37:43.000 When they see that I'm dancing, and all of a sudden I hear the curtains start to pull back, and I'm about to get off stage, and I hear, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the click-clack clans!

00:37:52.000 And we start tap dancing, and I've always wanted to tap dance.

00:37:55.000 The click-clack clans. 0.99

00:37:56.000 And we start tap dancing, and just fucking hammering it out. 0.97

00:37:59.000 I'm like, I can't get off stage! 0.98

00:38:00.000 It's so much fun!

00:38:01.000 And then I woke up, and I was like, Benson, I had a dream.

00:38:04.000 Dude, that would actually be a great sketch.

00:38:06.000 The click-clack clans. 0.99

00:38:08.000 You should write this down.

00:38:09.000 It's on Doug Benson's answering machine.

00:38:11.000 No, no, I mean like make a sketch out of it about these guys that were in the Klan but they feel bad and they don't hate black people anymore and they want to entertain and spread their new message and so they start going around the country tap dancing.

00:38:25.000 And along the way, they encounter so many mean black people, they become racist again.

00:38:29.000 Towards the end, they turn back around. 0.98

00:38:31.000 They just start doing black rooms!

00:38:33.000 And it's so hard to break over in black rooms! 1.00

00:38:35.000 People get really mad at them because they used to be in the Klan. 1.00

00:38:38.000 Like, fuck you, but we're not in the Klan anymore. 1.00

00:38:40.000 I'm telling you, we're not racist. 1.00

00:38:41.000 We have a total change of heart.

00:38:43.000 We already have the costumes, that's why we're wearing them. 0.84

00:38:45.000 We're just being buffoons as the Klan. 1.00

00:38:48.000 And by the end of it, they're like, fuck black people. 1.00

00:38:50.000 I'm back. 1.00

00:38:52.000 I'm back.

00:38:53.000 I'm moving back to Tennessee.

00:38:55.000 I'm moving back to the mountains.

00:38:57.000 Back to the deep woods.

00:38:59.000 The click-clack clans. 0.99

00:39:00.000 There was a period of my dreams, like a big chunk where they were like cyclical and had amazing endings.

00:39:10.000 I mean, I was just like, I was blown away and I was telling Benson, he's like, leave him on my thing and I'll put him on my podcast.

00:39:16.000 So I started doing it.

00:39:17.000 And then what happens, and I'm going through this right now, is I go through a big period.

00:39:19.000 I was leaving him a lot of malaria dreams because they were insane. 1.00

00:39:23.000 And then I get, I'm so, I'm so keyed into dreaming that I'm dreaming obsessively where I am right now where I'm having like fucking 13 to 35 a night. 0.93

00:39:31.000 That's so crazy. 0.92

00:39:32.000 And I can't stop them and I'm not relaxing.

00:39:34.000 Have you ever been able to remember all 35 of them?

00:39:36.000 Oh, yeah, I could.

00:39:37.000 I mean, obviously I don't, even if I listen to my dreams now, if I go to Doug Loves Minnie's and listen to my dreams.

00:39:42.000 You put all your dreams on Doug Benson's podcast?

00:39:44.000 Yeah, why don't you do it on your own?

00:39:46.000 Yeah, why don't you have Bert's dreams?

00:39:48.000 Dreamtime.

00:39:49.000 Have a separate podcast, Burt's Dreams.

00:39:51.000 I did it at a time.

00:39:52.000 It just came out organically, and I was like, people are going to fucking hate the moment that they're on my podcast.

00:39:56.000 Wait a minute, does he have commercials on that?

00:39:59.000 Oh yeah, he's making money off of Burt's Dreams.

00:40:01.000 He's making money off your dreams?

00:40:02.000 It's typical Hollywood.

00:40:03.000 No, it's Burt Gloves minis.

00:40:04.000 It's like a five-minute just catch-up of the week.

00:40:08.000 Anyway, it felt pure.

00:40:09.000 Did you sign any papers about Bert Lozmini's on Doug Benson's podcast?

00:40:13.000 What's going on here, Bert? 0.99

00:40:14.000 You getting fucked over here? 1.00

00:40:16.000 Business-wise, I feel like you're getting fucked. 1.00

00:40:18.000 No. 0.99

00:40:19.000 You've got commercials on your dreams.

00:40:19.000 Anyway.

00:40:21.000 Interesting.

00:40:22.000 I've been thinking about doing a big, long one of all my dreams for him, because they're just...

00:40:22.000 Yeah.

00:40:27.000 Well, you should just release a podcast where you wake up and you explain in great detail.

00:40:32.000 I mean, you could do 15 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever, and just release it as a podcast.

00:40:36.000 People would love that.

00:40:37.000 If you're really having that many at night...

00:40:39.000 Dreamcatcher.

00:40:40.000 Make it a cool dream podcast.

00:40:42.000 Bert's Dreamcatcher.

00:40:42.000 Bert's Dreams.

00:40:43.000 Yeah, how about a podcast?

00:40:44.000 Just real simple.

00:40:45.000 Bert's Dreams.

00:40:46.000 And it's just you talking about your dreams.

00:40:48.000 Every single episode is a dream, and that's it.

00:40:50.000 There's no sports talk.

00:40:51.000 All your dreams.

00:40:52.000 All your dreams.

00:40:53.000 Maybe I will.

00:40:54.000 Yeah, like you could do, you know, you could do how they tied in together, what you did before you went to bed, what you drank that put you in this catatonic state where you believe that you're in a bubble bath that's the size of the Philadelphia Eagle Stadium.

00:41:09.000 You're floating in there, and you're naked, but no one could see you because the water's so high. 0.96

00:41:14.000 You could have a bunch of different fucking crazy dreams that you could just relay. 0.99

00:41:19.000 You could have your kids tell their dreams. 0.99

00:41:21.000 You could tell their kids dreams too.

00:41:24.000 I have a whole Burt family.

00:41:25.000 I have a bunch of dreams.

00:41:26.000 Usually, like lately, all my dreams have been comics.

00:41:28.000 All my dreams have been about comics.

00:41:30.000 I had a dream about you and Jim Norton and Bill Burr and a bunch of guys in a radio show two nights ago.

00:41:38.000 But they're all about comics right now.

00:41:41.000 Why is that?

00:41:42.000 I have no idea.

00:41:42.000 I don't know.

00:41:43.000 Because you've been doing the road a lot?

00:41:45.000 Because I haven't been doing stand-up as much as I've been doing stand-up.

00:41:48.000 And so now I've started back on stand-up, and I think I'm just inspired by a bunch of people who I feel like are doing it a lot better than me.

00:41:55.000 So you said you haven't been doing stand-up as much as you've been doing stand-up.

00:42:00.000 I think you've probably been doing the show more?

00:42:03.000 I've been doing TV more than I've been doing stand-up.

00:42:05.000 You put me in a weird quagmire when we had that conversation in Vietnam because I said, alright, so I've been very attentive to writing material about these things that I've been doing.

00:42:05.000 It's interesting.

00:42:13.000 And I've been going back and looking at all the activities.

00:42:15.000 However, I feel like...

00:42:17.000 I feel like...

00:42:20.000 It's really interesting.

00:42:21.000 So often you hear comics come on the podcast and they'll talk about writing new material.

00:42:25.000 Jamie, are you getting a beer?

00:42:26.000 Oh.

00:42:26.000 Writing new material versus the addiction of killing.

00:42:32.000 And I think I'd always thought, because I write on stage, I'm like, yeah...

00:42:37.000 I'm not worried about that.

00:42:37.000 I always write.

00:42:39.000 But then this weekend I was in Columbus and I noticed that when I would get into a spot where it was a genuine new bit about scuba diving 80 feet to go see a wreck or riding in a Top Fuel drag store or jumping off this Moza Bambita Stadium, that when it started to bomb, that's the panic feeling where people go,

00:42:55.000 I need to get out and do an old bit. 0.86

00:42:57.000 And to be able to own that bomb and sit in there and trust it and trust that That these people are going to get a piece of shit joke right now that I'm working on, but trust me, one day it'll be better. 0.98

00:43:07.000 Well, that's what LA clubs are for. 1.00

00:43:09.000 It's for writing. 0.94

00:43:10.000 That's where you should really fuck around and try to expand bits, try to come up with new ways to do them. 0.98

00:43:16.000 You can take a lot of chances in LA club. 0.97

00:43:18.000 Gaffigan and I had a conversation about this. 0.98

00:43:20.000 He's like, I always do new shit, but I always want to make sure the show is good. 0.97

00:43:20.000 It was kind of interesting. 0.97

00:43:24.000 That's the most important thing.

00:43:24.000 Yeah.

00:43:26.000 I'm not going to go up there and do a completely new stuff and bomb.

00:43:32.000 If it's all going bad, I will go to old stuff that I know really works.

00:43:36.000 He's like, the most important thing for me is that the show's good, which makes a lot of sense, especially if they're paying high ticket dollar prices in theaters, which is a lot of stuff he's doing.

00:43:45.000 He's got a pretty big obligation to have a good show.

00:43:49.000 People got babysitters.

00:43:50.000 They came out there.

00:43:51.000 Yeah.

00:43:52.000 But that's where the LA clubs come in. 0.93

00:43:53.000 That's where fucking around comes in here, you know, at the store, the improv, or just going up and, you know, just going up with like a skeleton of a joke and trying to figure out what it is, recording it, listening to it, going back over it. 0.69

00:44:06.000 I don't record it. 0.98

00:44:07.000 You got an iPhone?

00:44:07.000 You should record it.

00:44:08.000 Just use your phone.

00:44:09.000 It's not hard to do.

00:44:11.000 I don't know, yeah. 0.89

00:44:12.000 I feel like when I record it, I actually say it differently than if I feel if it's getting lost to the ethos, then I feel like it's in the spirit, it's in the moment, and it's live by the sword, die by the sword type shit.

00:44:12.000 I don't know.

00:44:25.000 That's cool.

00:44:26.000 I mean, if you like doing that, there's nothing wrong with that.

00:44:28.000 It just takes longer to get a bit better.

00:44:30.000 Yeah, the reality of recording is, if you do it all the time, you're not going to say it any different if you're recording.

00:44:35.000 Every set that I have, I record.

00:44:37.000 So every set, it's like when it's 100% of your sets, it's never different because you're recording.

00:44:43.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:44:44.000 Like, it just becomes doing a set.

00:44:46.000 So, if I say something, I don't have to ponder afterwards, what did I say?

00:44:52.000 What did I say?

00:44:52.000 I have a recording.

00:44:53.000 Because there's a lot of times where you're saying things off the cuff, and you're like, that's the line!

00:44:58.000 That's the line!

00:44:59.000 And, dude, if you're not recording, that line can escape you.

00:45:02.000 It can leave you and never return.

00:45:05.000 You can take yourself into some strange headspace, because when you're doing a bit...

00:45:12.000 Something might happen, or someone might react to it in a certain way, and because they react to it in a certain way, you say, well, you're thinking, duh, and that's the best line of the joke.

00:45:21.000 And that just came out of that particular moment.

00:45:23.000 If you don't capture that, you might not ever be able to recreate it in your memory.

00:45:27.000 Because you're in that weird zen state where you're killing, too. 0.99

00:45:30.000 That's part of the problem.

00:45:31.000 When you're really in the groove, you're in that zen state where you're barely there.

00:45:36.000 You're like a ride on this thing.

00:45:38.000 And when you're creating all those new bits in that sort of zen state, a lot of times you can't remember what you said.

00:45:45.000 Yeah.

00:45:46.000 Yeah, I usually end up saying out loud, if I say something new that's really good, I'll go, can someone please tweet that to me?

00:45:52.000 That works.

00:45:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:54.000 Some guy tweeted me, sushi, your kid's sucking dick. 1.00

00:45:59.000 And I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:46:02.000 Because I was like, by the end of the night, I'm hammered. 0.99

00:46:04.000 And then it was the idea that, I don't know how the bit goes, because I said it in the moment, but I'll figure it out, but that... 0.97

00:46:11.000 To guys watching gay porn is like giving your kid sushi for the first time. 0.98

00:46:17.000 Like, I don't think I like it. 1.00

00:46:18.000 And you're like, well, put it in your mouth.

00:46:19.000 See what you think.

00:46:20.000 And they're like, no.

00:46:20.000 Maybe you like it.

00:46:21.000 And the texture's gonna freak me out.

00:46:22.000 I heard it's expensive.

00:46:25.000 That's funny.

00:46:26.000 Yeah.

00:46:27.000 I heard you can get sick from eating it.

00:46:32.000 People, if they get sick, they always blame sushi.

00:46:34.000 Oh, I got diarrhea.

00:46:36.000 I ate bad sushi.

00:46:36.000 I ate sushi.

00:46:37.000 Are you sure?

00:46:38.000 Are you sure?

00:46:38.000 Yeah.

00:46:39.000 How the fuck do you know? 1.00

00:46:40.000 You eat things all day. 1.00

00:46:41.000 Joe, you know, what's funny about that is that it's almost impossible to get food poisoning from sushi because in the United States, sushi is flash frozen.

00:46:49.000 It has to be frozen and then re-thawed out.

00:46:52.000 So it's like almost impossible for you to actually...

00:46:55.000 That's not totally true.

00:46:56.000 There's certain sushis where you can get parasites from, especially freshwater fish.

00:47:01.000 Right, but when people get sick, it's from the rice.

00:47:04.000 Oh, really?

00:47:05.000 Well, I bet some people get sick from the salmon, too.

00:47:08.000 Certain freshwater fish is parasites.

00:47:10.000 Saltwater fish, you don't really have to worry about it as much.

00:47:13.000 But freshwater fish.

00:47:14.000 I drank ghost blood with a Maasai chief the other day. 1.00

00:47:17.000 I've given up on any of that fucking... 0.99

00:47:19.000 Because I'm a nervous eater about stuff like that. 0.99

00:47:22.000 Ghost blood.

00:47:22.000 Ghost blood?

00:47:23.000 Poured it into a horn. 1.00

00:47:23.000 Cut its throat. 1.00

00:47:25.000 Put some grass in there. 0.98

00:47:26.000 Shook it up.

00:47:26.000 Gave it to me like...

00:47:27.000 Why grass?

00:47:28.000 It's not disgusting enough by itself.

00:47:30.000 That's a good question, Joe.

00:47:31.000 Let's get some grass that a hyena pissed on. 1.00

00:47:34.000 I had thought of that in the moment. 0.99

00:47:35.000 Mix that shit up with the goat blood. 1.00

00:47:38.000 Here's your goat blood hyena piss smoothie. 1.00

00:47:41.000 Ooh, it was irony.

00:47:42.000 It tasted like liver.

00:47:44.000 Irony?

00:47:45.000 It was real irony.

00:47:46.000 You could feel it like tin out your mouth a little bit.

00:47:48.000 Wow.

00:47:49.000 Well, it makes sense, man.

00:47:50.000 That's a hard scrub of life, being a goat.

00:47:53.000 Goats live in places where there's not a lot of water, right? 0.99

00:47:56.000 There's no fucking water where we were. 0.98

00:47:58.000 They can survive a long time with no water. 1.00

00:48:00.000 Those mountain goats, they must taste like shit. 1.00

00:48:02.000 I heard they taste like shit. 1.00

00:48:03.000 No, they taste great. 1.00

00:48:04.000 Like, can you eat them?

00:48:05.000 Yeah, we put them on skewers, had a fire, and then had the skewers angled from the fire, and just cooked it.

00:48:11.000 That's the way they cook. 0.91

00:48:11.000 It was interesting. 0.91

00:48:12.000 I learned, too, that's the way they cooked medium rare to well done, is they stick that stick in the fire that way, and it cooks.

00:48:18.000 I wonder if something else I found, I was meditating with a Zen Buddhist priest in Japan.

00:48:21.000 Wait, what are you saying?

00:48:22.000 They stick that stick in and it melts?

00:48:24.000 What?

00:48:25.000 So if there's a fire, they stick the stick in this way, and that's how this is more well done and this is less well done.

00:48:31.000 So that's how they cook it.

00:48:33.000 People are listening to this, so try to explain this in a way that makes sense.

00:48:37.000 Because I'm confused and I'm right in front of you.

00:48:41.000 If you build a fire... 0.99

00:48:42.000 What you just said, if you look at that on paper, people are like, what the fuck is he saying? 1.00

00:48:46.000 Let's just mark it off to I wasn't listening and I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about! 0.99

00:48:49.000 There's a stick, they stick it in the fire and then put the meat on the stick? 0.99

00:48:53.000 They skewer the stick.

00:48:55.000 So they skewer the meat on a stick.

00:48:55.000 Okay.

00:48:56.000 All the size have this big sward that's like fucking this long. 1.00

00:49:00.000 It's fucking sharp as shit. 1.00

00:49:01.000 They make it sharp as shit and thin. 1.00

00:49:03.000 So they make a stick, they turn into like a barb. 0.98

00:49:05.000 And then they basically skewer all the goat's meat on the stick, like a kebab, and then they shove it right next to the fire.

00:49:12.000 Like two o'clock on a clock.

00:49:14.000 Well, they put it all around the fire, really, just like hands on a clock.

00:49:19.000 Okay.

00:49:19.000 And then, but they're angled out.

00:49:21.000 I see.

00:49:21.000 They're angled, pointing away.

00:49:23.000 And I said, that's interesting.

00:49:24.000 And he said, well, no, the top ones aren't as well done, and the bottoms are more well done.

00:49:28.000 Oh, okay. 0.90

00:49:29.000 And so I was like, I thought that was really fucking fascinating. 0.92

00:49:29.000 That makes sense. 0.92

00:49:31.000 I was like, holy shit, in my head, I'm like, I could just grill my shit. 0.99

00:49:34.000 Like, I could actually, but then I talked to him about wood, and it's really specific about what kind of wood you use. 0.99

00:49:39.000 You can't just use any wood.

00:49:40.000 So there's certain different types of wood that people will cook with, especially in Africa.

00:49:43.000 Well, that's in America, too.

00:49:45.000 You watch those barbecue contests.

00:49:47.000 You ever see those barbecue contests?

00:49:49.000 Those get you fascinated.

00:49:50.000 Those get you wanting to smoke a meat. 1.00

00:49:52.000 Smoke a brisket or some shit. 0.99

00:49:54.000 Always have, like, a cherry tree. 0.99

00:49:55.000 Yeah.

00:49:55.000 Cherry tree.

00:49:56.000 Dude, we had fucking veal, or... 1.00

00:50:01.000 Venison sausage? 1.00

00:50:02.000 I need venison sausage.

00:50:04.000 I got some.

00:50:05.000 I got some in my house.

00:50:06.000 It's one of my favorites.

00:50:07.000 It's delicious.

00:50:08.000 You have to mix pork fat into it, though. 0.97

00:50:08.000 Oh, I fucking love it. 0.97

00:50:10.000 It's kind of interesting. 0.97

00:50:11.000 Yeah?

00:50:11.000 Like, yeah, most venison sausage is not really venison sausage.

00:50:15.000 It's venison sausage with pork fat.

00:50:18.000 I cook ground venison.

00:50:20.000 I take ground venison and I cook it and I'll use gluten-free pasta or sprouted grain pasta and I'll mix it all together with some tomato sauce. 0.98

00:50:29.000 It's fucking fantastic.

00:50:30.000 But it's one of the rare times where people use ground venison by itself. 0.99

00:50:34.000 Most ground venison they mix up with pork fat.

00:50:37.000 Really?

00:50:37.000 Because it's so lean.

00:50:38.000 Because it's a healthy animal. 0.99

00:50:40.000 I mean, it's an animal that's running around eating crops and grass and alfalfa and shit and running all over the place. 0.99

00:50:46.000 They don't have much body fat on them. 0.98

00:50:48.000 So if you had just the meat of the deer in the sausage, it would probably be really dry.

00:50:54.000 Yeah.

00:50:55.000 You wouldn't like it. 0.96

00:50:57.000 I've had a bunch of venison as of late, and I just fucking love it. 0.98

00:50:57.000 Venison. 0.98

00:51:00.000 It's really good for you, dude.

00:51:01.000 I really love it.

00:51:03.000 You know what's the best, though?

00:51:04.000 Elk.

00:51:05.000 Oh, I've had elk.

00:51:06.000 Elk's insane.

00:51:06.000 I need to get one of those.

00:51:08.000 I'm going on two elk hunts this fall. 1.00

00:51:11.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:51:11.000 Really? 1.00

00:51:13.000 They have a problem with wolves.

00:51:13.000 Yeah.

00:51:15.000 They've killed so many elk.

00:51:16.000 There's certain populations, certain parts of America where the elk populations drop down to 20% of its original size.

00:51:24.000 I think I heard, what's his name, Ranella talk about that on your podcast.

00:51:28.000 Yeah, there's places where it's dropped 50%, but there's still a lot of elk.

00:51:34.000 There's a lot of elk.

00:51:35.000 It's just about getting near them.

00:51:37.000 There's so many of them.

00:51:38.000 My friend Helen Cho, she's the woman who works for 0.0. 0.96

00:51:44.000 She works with Anthony Bourdain.

00:51:45.000 She works with Steve Rinella on his show.

00:51:48.000 They took her hunting for the first time.

00:51:52.000 She's been here a bunch of times hanging out with us when Rinella's come on.

00:51:56.000 And she's like super sweet, like, you know, grew up in Brooklyn.

00:52:00.000 And on Rinella's show, he took her hunting.

00:52:03.000 Her and another woman who works in the office, they took the both of them with my friend Ryan Callahan and Rinella. 0.70

00:52:08.000 And they took them to Montana to shoot an elk.

00:52:10.000 But you see like these herds of elk where there's like 50, 60, 70, 80, or 100 elk.

00:52:15.000 Like giant herds of these cow elks.

00:52:17.000 And so she picks one out and she drops it and she, you know, they cooked it that night.

00:52:21.000 It was crazy.

00:52:22.000 It's crazy watching, like, knowing her, like, knowing her as a person that's, like, you know, didn't really have a lot of experience outdoors at all.

00:52:29.000 It wasn't, like, a crazy fitness person or an extreme athlete who's doing nutty things all the time. 0.99

00:52:34.000 She, you know, is a regular person, very nice person, works in an office, you know, works for Anthony Bourdain and 0.0 and all of a sudden she's shooting a fucking elk in the mountains of Montana in the snow and the woods and it's like, It's wild shit, dude. 0.97

00:52:49.000 Did you did she like cry or anything? 0.94

00:52:51.000 She was pretty not a cry, but she could tell she was like really was like an overwhelming experience She was like there's no words for this, which is how I felt to the first time I shot a deer It's like there's no words for this.

00:53:02.000 This is wild.

00:53:03.000 It's not like hitting a home run Nah.

00:53:06.000 Hitting a home run, there's no sense of loss.

00:53:08.000 There's a weird sense of loss when you shoot an animal.

00:53:13.000 Like, you're gonna eat that animal so you don't feel bad about it.

00:53:17.000 At least I didn't feel bad about it.

00:53:18.000 I thought about it for so long before I actually did it.

00:53:21.000 But there's a sense of loss.

00:53:22.000 When you hit a home run, it's all like, yeah, yippee!

00:53:26.000 Nothing has to die.

00:53:27.000 When you're gutting an animal and you've got your hands inside of its body and you feel the hot body cavity, it's really weird.

00:53:33.000 I stuck my hands in a buffalo one time.

00:53:35.000 We shot it up on Crow Nation. 0.99

00:53:37.000 It was hard.

00:53:38.000 It was tough.

00:53:39.000 Which show was this?

00:53:40.000 We went hunting with the crow.

00:53:42.000 You shot a buffalo?

00:53:42.000 Really?

00:53:43.000 Shot a buffalo up on a perch like a sniper.

00:53:46.000 It was with the whole pack. 0.99

00:53:47.000 And they have to keep the male population down because it fucks with it. 1.00

00:53:51.000 And so they know which one they're shooting and they go out and they pop it. 0.93

00:53:54.000 Yeah.

00:53:55.000 And what was really fascinating to me, and the small details of a story overwhelm me.

00:54:01.000 Like the little thing that you wouldn't normally talk about in a story.

00:54:05.000 But what was funny to me was kind of the gallows humor that these Crow Indians had as they were gutting the buffalo. 1.00

00:54:12.000 They weren't being disrespectful of the animal, but I guess you cut out its asshole? 1.00

00:54:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:19.000 But they were laughing as they cut out the asshole because it's kids' first time cutting the asshole out. 1.00

00:54:24.000 And it was kind of an interesting, almost morbid humor, but like comics kind of humor. 0.99

00:54:29.000 You couldn't offend anyone in that circle.

00:54:31.000 And then when they were like, put your hand in the buffalo, and I was like, oh, no.

00:54:34.000 And they're like, come on, do it.

00:54:35.000 Be a man.

00:54:36.000 And they had a little kid put his hand in.

00:54:37.000 They go, you've got to feel it.

00:54:38.000 It's an animal.

00:54:39.000 It was just alive. 1.00

00:54:40.000 So I was like, fuck it, so I've got to do it. 1.00

00:54:42.000 Put my hand in there, and it just kind of took me over. 1.00

00:54:45.000 I was like, oh, fuck, this is human warm. 1.00

00:54:49.000 Way warmer. 1.00

00:54:49.000 Like, this is... 1.00

00:54:50.000 Yeah, but it's like, yeah, it was hot.

00:54:52.000 And it was really kind of, I don't know, it blew me away.

00:54:56.000 But I kept saying in my head, it was similar...

00:55:00.000 To being a comic, because comics can't get offended, so there was no, like...

00:55:03.000 Yeah.

00:55:04.000 There was no PC police there.

00:55:05.000 Yeah.

00:55:05.000 You just killed an animal.

00:55:06.000 You're all in this together.

00:55:07.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.000 So, uh...

00:55:09.000 It's like, I was overwhelmed. 0.96

00:55:11.000 And then we ate the buffalo that night, and it was fucking fantastic. 0.98

00:55:14.000 Buffalo's delicious. 0.99

00:55:16.000 Dude.

00:55:16.000 Some of the best meat for you, too.

00:55:18.000 It's leaner than chicken.

00:55:19.000 It's leaner than chicken.

00:55:20.000 It's super high in protein.

00:55:22.000 It tastes better than beef.

00:55:24.000 It's really good, man. 1.00

00:55:25.000 Fuck chia seeds. 1.00

00:55:26.000 Especially if they have a good diet. 1.00

00:55:29.000 Fuck chia seeds. 1.00

00:55:30.000 I'm on chia seeds right now. 1.00

00:55:31.000 It's the biggest mistake I ever fucking made. 0.96

00:55:32.000 You ever drink those chia drinks? 0.99

00:55:34.000 They're really good.

00:55:35.000 I'm just swallowing the seeds whole like Taylor Swift.

00:55:37.000 Oh, don't do that, man.

00:55:37.000 You get to get these chia drinks.

00:55:40.000 I forget what it's named, but it's like chia and in between there's some juice or something like that.

00:55:45.000 And so it's like it slips down like real easy.

00:55:47.000 This actually tastes good and it's super healthy for you.

00:55:50.000 Apparently, well the reason I was eating them is because they expand in your stomach and so they make you feel full faster. 1.00

00:55:54.000 But then you just shit babies. 1.00

00:55:58.000 I mean, you're shitting a thousand ants. 1.00

00:56:00.000 You want to lose weight. 1.00

00:56:02.000 Dude.

00:56:02.000 This is the only way, buddy.

00:56:04.000 Dolce fucking emailed me. 0.99

00:56:05.000 See this here? 0.99

00:56:06.000 You gotta let this go.

00:56:07.000 Oh, no.

00:56:08.000 This has gotta go away.

00:56:08.000 Dolce texted me the other night.

00:56:10.000 And he was like, hey, bro, what's up?

00:56:10.000 Mike Dolce.

00:56:11.000 Or on Twitter. 1.00

00:56:12.000 I was like, I'm fat as fuck. 0.99

00:56:13.000 Can you fix this? 1.00

00:56:14.000 And I sent a picture.

00:56:15.000 Can you fix this?

00:56:16.000 You know how to fix it?

00:56:17.000 I know.

00:56:18.000 Let's go.

00:56:18.000 Everybody knows how to fix it.

00:56:19.000 Nobody wants to fix it, man.

00:56:21.000 They all want to talk about fixing it.

00:56:22.000 Yeah.

00:56:23.000 Everybody wants to talk about fixing it and stay almost exactly the same weight pretty much forever.

00:56:27.000 A few people break loose from the herd and become thin. 0.98

00:56:31.000 And you're like, how the fuck did you do it, man? 1.00

00:56:33.000 And they're like, man, I just didn't eat bullshit. 1.00

00:56:35.000 Like, that's crazy. 1.00

00:56:36.000 I don't know how you did that. 1.00

00:56:36.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:56:37.000 I just cut back on the Cheetos ice cream and soda and fucking melted off me. 1.00

00:56:41.000 Come on. 0.98

00:56:42.000 I want to maintain my lifestyle and simply add in more activity and hope that it disappears that way.

00:56:47.000 You need to burn off insane amounts of calories.

00:56:50.000 That's what people don't understand.

00:56:52.000 If you want to get your body to the point where it's burning off fat, you got to burn off more calories than you're taking in.

00:56:58.000 I mean, it's like super simple, but most people aren't willing to do that.

00:57:02.000 They're just not willing to eat less than your body needs.

00:57:06.000 No, I'm still hungry.

00:57:06.000 What?

00:57:08.000 What kind of bullshit is this? 1.00

00:57:09.000 This diet could suck my dick! 1.00

00:57:10.000 And then you get crazy, and you start eating cookies, and the next thing you know it, the diet's gone. 1.00

00:57:15.000 You just can't take it anymore.

00:57:16.000 I get in those moments where I see Oreos, and I just go...

00:57:21.000 They're good.

00:57:23.000 There's milk right next to them.

00:57:25.000 Someone pours a glass of milk and Oreos. 0.99

00:57:27.000 If they're fucking with you, if they're trying to get you... 1.00

00:57:29.000 Do they do that shit on The Biggest Loser? 1.00

00:57:31.000 Do they put cake and ice cream? 1.00

00:57:33.000 No, it's the opposite.

00:57:35.000 Isn't The Biggest Loser the one where they have the big table buffet where they have to go around and they can't...

00:57:40.000 No, no, no, no.

00:57:41.000 What show?

00:57:41.000 What show is that?

00:57:42.000 I'm positive.

00:57:43.000 I've been watching The Biggest Loser all the time.

00:57:45.000 The Biggest Loser would never incorporate unhealthy lifestyle in it whatsoever.

00:57:50.000 They would never tempt them with that.

00:57:51.000 That's not the theme of the show.

00:57:52.000 What show was that?

00:57:54.000 Probably Celebrity Fat Person. 1.00

00:57:57.000 Oh, Celebrity Fat Fuck. 1.00

00:57:58.000 That would be the great name of the show. 1.00

00:58:01.000 Celebrity Fat Fuck. 1.00

00:58:06.000 They didn't find out the name of the show until the first day when they lined them all up, and they're like, gentlemen, or people, I'd like to welcome you to Celebrity Fat Fuck, and you just watch them all go, oh man, fuck. 1.00

00:58:16.000 My agent's a dick. 1.00

00:58:17.000 My agent's an asshole. 1.00

00:58:18.000 You know what's interesting about fat? 1.00

00:58:21.000 This is the reality about diets.

00:58:25.000 Is that everybody doesn't get an even starting point.

00:58:28.000 That's what's not fair.

00:58:29.000 Some people just get weird bodies that just, like, you look at them and you see, like, little babies.

00:58:35.000 Like, little chubby babies.

00:58:36.000 Yeah.

00:58:37.000 You know, like, my daughter was in this dance class, and there's little girls with her when she's little.

00:58:40.000 She's, like, you know, two, three years old. 1.00

00:58:43.000 There's other little two, three-year-olds, and some of them are just fat as fuck. 1.00

00:58:47.000 Some of them, their parents are fat, their parents sit down there, and they struggle to sit. 0.99

00:58:54.000 They sit down, and this kid waddles out there and dances.

00:58:58.000 You're like, whoa.

00:58:59.000 This kid doesn't even get a chance.

00:59:01.000 From jump, she's overweight. 1.00

00:59:03.000 She's carrying all this body fat at three. 1.00

00:59:06.000 Well, because the food that that kid's getting fed, I'm sure, is also whatever the parent's eating.

00:59:11.000 It certainly could be, but you could feed that to my kid, and they would burn it right off.

00:59:14.000 It's weird.

00:59:15.000 It's not even.

00:59:16.000 It's just not even.

00:59:17.000 My oldest daughter's, like, super skinny, man.

00:59:21.000 The middle one, actually.

00:59:44.000 After they eat ice cream, I'm like, that was good, right? 0.92

00:59:47.000 It tasted good, but damn, I feel tired now. 0.84

00:59:49.000 Do you feel tired? 0.98

00:59:50.000 And they're like, yes.

00:59:52.000 Why do I feel tired when I eat ice cream?

00:59:55.000 Well, your body's not supposed to have that much sugar. 0.99

00:59:57.000 Like, it sucks because it tastes really good. 0.99

00:59:59.000 She goes, it does suck. 0.99

01:00:01.000 I'm like, yeah, I know. 0.87

01:00:03.000 It's weird.

01:00:04.000 It's a weird trick we play on ourselves.

01:00:05.000 I want her to know about that trick when she's six, not when she's 26 and she's throwing up in the toilet to try to stay thin. 0.67

01:00:15.000 It's good to have...

01:00:16.000 Fatty foods is fun sometimes.

01:00:19.000 I don't believe it's good to miss out on all the pleasures in life because some people get hooked on them. 0.97

01:00:26.000 I think that's horseshit. 0.96

01:00:27.000 I agree. 1.00

01:00:28.000 Like bacon is fucking delicious. 0.99

01:00:30.000 I'm not quitting. 1.00

01:00:31.000 I will never stop eating bacon. 0.98

01:00:33.000 It's not gonna fucking happen. 0.98

01:00:35.000 It's too good. 0.96

01:00:36.000 When I sit there and I'm chewing on a crispy piece of bacon, this cooked maybe just a little too long, but it's just crunching in my mouth and the saltiness and the sweetness of the pig fat that's just warm and melting in my mouth as I chew it down,

01:00:52.000 breaking down the crispy fat.

01:00:57.000 I'm not!

01:00:58.000 I'm not stopping!

01:00:58.000 It's never happening.

01:00:59.000 Never!

01:01:01.000 If you bake bacon at like 425 for 20 minutes, it is the perfect...

01:01:06.000 I mean, it's translucent. 0.99

01:01:08.000 And it melts in your mouth, and I swear to God, if dick tastes like that, my dad had bruised knees. 1.00

01:01:12.000 Like, I fucking love bacon. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Was I telling you today? 1.00

01:01:17.000 I haven't had a dick tasting like that on his knees! 1.00

01:01:20.000 I fucking love that taste. 1.00

01:01:21.000 Well, Rob Wolf is one of the paleo diet pioneer guys, just a sort of genius fitness health guy. 0.99

01:01:27.000 He slow cooks bacon every morning.

01:01:30.000 He's like, it's a ritual. 0.98

01:01:32.000 He gets that fat bacon from Whole Foods, you know, those thick-ass bacons, and he puts on this, like, fucking slow bacon cooker, and he's like, as I'm getting ready for my day, and I'm going through my day, it's smelling, the aroma's filling the house. 0.96

01:01:46.000 It's like, there's a bunch of experiences going on. 1.00

01:01:49.000 I'm like, God damn these poor vegans. 1.00

01:01:51.000 These poor bastards! 1.00

01:01:52.000 My wife, my wife, you know how like women have scents? 1.00

01:01:55.000 Like a woman will have a scent when you start dating them. 1.00

01:01:57.000 You're like, oh, she kinda smells like strawberries. 1.00

01:01:58.000 I had a chick one time that smelled like fucking bologna. 1.00

01:02:02.000 I was like, ugh. 1.00

01:02:03.000 I ended up dating her for two years.

01:02:04.000 Processed.

01:02:05.000 But my wife smells like bacon. 1.00

01:02:07.000 Every morning she makes the same thing.

01:02:08.000 She's southern.

01:02:09.000 Bacon, eggs, biscuits, and fruit for the kids. 1.00

01:02:13.000 Every fucking morning. 1.00

01:02:14.000 That's a good call. 0.99

01:02:15.000 That's a good back rust.

01:02:16.000 My house reeks of bacon.

01:02:17.000 I'd even take my bacon game to the next level.

01:02:19.000 When you go to buy your bacon, if you buy it at like just a regular store, they have the thick cut.

01:02:24.000 Don't get the thick cut that's spread out like playing cards, like fanned out.

01:02:27.000 Get the thick cut that's packed in like dollar bills, okay?

01:02:31.000 And then look at this.

01:02:32.000 You've got to make sure that the beginning to the end of that thick cut is even.

01:02:36.000 You don't want any dips in it. 0.94

01:02:37.000 Go for fucking straight even. 0.98

01:02:39.000 That's the most amount of bacon you can get for your money. 0.99

01:02:41.000 Yeah.

01:02:42.000 I'm taking my bacon pretty seriously these days.

01:02:44.000 You go to a butcher?

01:02:45.000 That's when you take it to the next level, right?

01:02:47.000 You know when you really take it to the next level? 1.00

01:02:49.000 You raise your own fucking pigs. 1.00

01:02:51.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:02:52.000 Raise your own pigs, get friendly with them, and shoot them right in the head. 1.00

01:02:56.000 Because that's what you've got to do. 0.99

01:02:57.000 We had this guy on the podcast named Joel Salatin, and he's a pretty famous farmer for writing books about farming.

01:03:05.000 He tries to recreate natural environments as much as possible.

01:03:08.000 One of the things he does with his pigs is he puts them all inside a movable fence.

01:03:13.000 So the fence is enormous.

01:03:14.000 All the pigs are inside of this, and then he moves the fence.

01:03:17.000 And so the fence moves to a new area, and the pigs root around. 1.00

01:03:20.000 They eat acorns and nuts and all kinds of shit. 0.98

01:03:23.000 And then after, you know, X amount of days, they move the fence to a new area. 0.99

01:03:27.000 So the pigs have a totally new area to graze.

01:03:30.000 He has this enormous plot of land that he does all this on.

01:03:33.000 And it's all like a little electric fences to keep the pigs in. 0.98

01:03:35.000 But the pigs are more like a wild pig.

01:03:38.000 They have like a dark texture to their meat, but they're super healthy.

01:03:41.000 But they maintain the same sort of characteristics of domesticated pigs where they're not like freaked out by people. 0.98

01:03:47.000 They're not like fucking trying to run from you all the time. 0.97

01:03:49.000 I thought what you described was like, do you remember Daniel LaRusso's Halloween costume in the Karate Kid? 0.98

01:03:56.000 That shower that he could walk around and no one could see them?

01:03:56.000 No.

01:03:58.000 I thought that was the fence?

01:03:59.000 Like the pigs could move the fence?

01:04:02.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:04:03.000 Like a 3D sort of term table. 0.80

01:04:05.000 Like the pigs could just walk their fence around like a walker.

01:04:08.000 Oh, that's funny. 1.00

01:04:09.000 And so I was like, you're a fucking genius! 1.00

01:04:11.000 And then all of a sudden, hey, your pigs are in town, and they're all on that fence. 1.00

01:04:13.000 The guy's got to come put a fucking toe hitch on the fence. 1.00

01:04:16.000 Maybe that's what they'll do one day. 1.00

01:04:18.000 They'll get the Oculus Rift for pigs. 1.00

01:04:19.000 They put it on them, and they'll fucking... 0.99

01:04:21.000 What are you doing, Jamie? 0.99

01:04:22.000 That's Danny LaRusso's costume for the Karate Kid.

01:04:25.000 Daniel LaRusso.

01:04:25.000 Oh.

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:27.000 I remember it.

01:04:28.000 I used to have a joke. 0.99

01:04:29.000 Don't you think at one point, at some point, Daniel LaRusso's mom would have been like, I think this maintenance man is trying to fuck my son. 0.99

01:04:36.000 We're spending a lot of time together. 1.00

01:04:36.000 Oh! 1.00

01:04:38.000 Crazy Japanese guys making him paint his house. 1.00

01:04:40.000 He comes, his knees are bruised, his hands are sore. 0.95

01:04:44.000 He's painting for him.

01:04:45.000 This is some weird slave fetish thing.

01:04:48.000 Wax on, wax off.

01:04:49.000 Wait a minute.

01:04:50.000 You're waxing his car or he's teaching you karate.

01:04:52.000 It's one or the other.

01:04:54.000 People had this idea that somehow or another painting a fence was going to help you fight. 1.00

01:04:58.000 That was the dumbest fucking movie. 1.00

01:05:00.000 He's catching fucking flies with chopsticks and shit. 1.00

01:05:03.000 That ruined a lot of people with karate. 1.00

01:05:05.000 Oh, or it started us.

01:05:06.000 That was the first movie I ever cried at. 0.99

01:05:08.000 I fucking sobbed. 0.99

01:05:09.000 Well, you were in Taekwondo Champion. 1.00

01:05:11.000 Did you not see Old Yeller?

01:05:13.000 Oh, I cried at that too.

01:05:14.000 But that was before that.

01:05:16.000 No, I've cried at a lot of movies.

01:05:17.000 I cried on stage at the Columbus Funny Bone telling people about Time Traveler's Wife.

01:05:23.000 Just telling, I said, I said, I can't even talk about it.

01:05:26.000 Someone who was a fan of the podcast was like, talk about Time Traveler's Wife.

01:05:29.000 I can't even talk about it.

01:05:30.000 I'll start crying.

01:05:30.000 If I start telling you about the movie Time Traveler's Wife or the movie Miracle about the U.S. hockey team, I start sobbing uncontrollably.

01:05:38.000 Which one is more emotional? 0.95

01:05:40.000 The one about the guys getting this puck in the net or the guy who goes back in time and sees his wife or some shit? 0.97

01:05:46.000 They're equal in my opinion. 0.58

01:05:46.000 What is the premise of Time Traveler's Wife? 0.58

01:05:48.000 I'm not doing this, Joe.

01:05:50.000 Do it.

01:05:50.000 I'm not doing this.

01:05:51.000 Well, tell me what it is.

01:05:52.000 Okay, I'll Google it.

01:05:53.000 Don't Google it, because it's going to take forever.

01:05:53.000 No, I'll tell you.

01:05:55.000 Well, tell me what it is.

01:05:56.000 It's a guy who learns how to...

01:05:59.000 He time travels.

01:06:01.000 He had a certain time, right by the day his mom dies, he time travels.

01:06:01.000 He's told...

01:06:04.000 And it turns out that in times of stress, he time travels.

01:06:06.000 So he's a drinking problem, because when he drinks, he doesn't time travel.

01:06:09.000 So Bert's in.

01:06:10.000 So I'm in.

01:06:11.000 He's relating to this guy.

01:06:12.000 Thank you, Joe.

01:06:13.000 I'm so glad you see it this way.

01:06:15.000 And so...

01:06:16.000 Eric Bana.

01:06:17.000 Oh, dude. 0.99

01:06:18.000 Sucked as the Hulk. 0.98

01:06:19.000 Loves him and everything else. 0.97

01:06:23.000 Got too high, saw him as the Hulk, like homeboys phoning it in, not liking it.

01:06:29.000 I maintain that hamstringed his career, no pun intended.

01:06:33.000 I think he got hamstringed by his Hulk performance. 0.98

01:06:36.000 Before that, he did that fucking movie where he played that con man, or the convict in Australia. 0.99

01:06:43.000 The guy with the fucking tattoos all over his name, or the tattoos all over his body. 1.00

01:06:50.000 Oh, damn it. 1.00

01:06:51.000 I've seen him in some really good performances. 1.00

01:06:53.000 Harden the fuck up. 0.86

01:06:54.000 Remember that guy? 0.98

01:06:55.000 What's that guy's name?

01:06:57.000 Eric Bana.

01:06:57.000 What was the movie he played?

01:06:58.000 It was like the movie that let everybody know who the fuck he is. 1.00

01:07:03.000 Chopper. 1.00

01:07:04.000 That's it.

01:07:05.000 That was like Russell Crowe had Romper Stomper.

01:07:05.000 Chopper.

01:07:08.000 Did you ever see that one?

01:07:09.000 He plays a skinhead.

01:07:11.000 Oh, really?

01:07:11.000 It's a really good movie.

01:07:12.000 Wow.

01:07:13.000 That was his first movie that kind of sent him off.

01:07:16.000 Anyway, I maintain that his performance as Bruce Banner... 0.96

01:07:20.000 Just fucking hamstringed him. 1.00

01:07:22.000 So I watched it on pot brownies or pot cookies, some form of edible, and I was like, bullshit! 1.00

01:07:28.000 Bullshit! 1.00

01:07:29.000 He was like so, like, phoning it in. 1.00

01:07:31.000 It was just so fake.

01:07:33.000 There was some scene where the guy and the girl were talking, and it was so fake.

01:07:36.000 I was like, ugh, I lost it.

01:07:39.000 I lost the trance of the movie.

01:07:41.000 It's weird how we can do that, like, I think tons of weed can do that to you.

01:07:43.000 It can either dial you in so you get things that no one would get, or you can all of a sudden see the costumes on the actors.

01:07:49.000 Yes. 1.00

01:07:50.000 And you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:07:52.000 That's a mask! 1.00

01:07:54.000 Especially edibles, man.

01:07:55.000 They make you super sensitive to bad acting. 0.98

01:07:57.000 But if you go see, like, that fucking Daniel Day-Lewis movie, what was the one where I drink my milkshake? 1.00

01:08:04.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

01:08:05.000 There will be blood. 1.00

01:08:06.000 There will be blood. 1.00

01:08:07.000 Go see that one when you're high as fuck, and it'll lock you in. 1.00

01:08:09.000 You'd be like, Jesus. 1.00

01:08:11.000 Imagine if you knew this fucking guy, and if you actually had a deal with this guy, this guy was in your... 1.00

01:08:16.000 You're gonna have to kill this guy. 1.00

01:08:18.000 You're gonna have to kill him. 1.00

01:08:20.000 I drank your milkshake. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Like, fuck! 1.00

01:08:25.000 I don't remember any of that movie. 1.00

01:08:26.000 All I remember is them swimming, like, 40 feet out in the Pacific. 0.99

01:08:30.000 It was a good fucking movie. 0.99

01:08:32.000 And he finds out that his brother's not his brother. 1.00

01:08:34.000 And he fucking takes him back to the beach and kills him. 0.99

01:08:36.000 How about spoiler alert? 0.99

01:08:37.000 Sorry, guys.

01:08:38.000 Oh, listen. 0.98

01:08:38.000 If you haven't fucking watched it by now. 0.98

01:08:41.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:08:42.000 There's a lot of people that haven't seen it yet.

01:08:43.000 Erase, erase, bad memories.

01:08:45.000 Erase, erase. 0.87

01:08:47.000 Yeah, that guy's just, he knows how to do it.

01:08:49.000 Like, whatever it is that acting is, that guy knows how to do it.

01:08:52.000 He's that guy.

01:08:55.000 Yeah.

01:08:56.000 Towns in New York?

01:08:56.000 Gangs in New York?

01:08:57.000 Yeah.

01:08:58.000 That was the first time I realized I was like, because I remember seeing Last of the Mohicans when I was a kid, and I was like, ah, it's a good movie, but I thought there'd be more action.

01:09:04.000 I couldn't appreciate acting or whatever. 0.98

01:09:07.000 But when I saw Gangs in New York, I was like, motherfucker, this guy is that guy. 0.99

01:09:12.000 He committed. 0.99

01:09:13.000 Yeah, he's in the groove, man.

01:09:15.000 And he does that with a bunch of different characters, too.

01:09:17.000 He played that IRA guy who was a boxer.

01:09:20.000 I saw that.

01:09:21.000 I think it was called The Boxer, right?

01:09:22.000 Yeah, I think that was like the best performance of an actor pretending to be a boxer.

01:09:26.000 The most realistic.

01:09:27.000 Because it looked like real boxing.

01:09:29.000 Whereas opposed to like a lot of these movies, like...

01:09:32.000 What a lot of people are missing is, in the choreography, it shows one guy teeing off on the other guy.

01:09:39.000 And that's very rare.

01:09:41.000 In reality, it's usually exchanges.

01:09:43.000 Like you're hitting each other.

01:09:45.000 Like the good guy gets hit too.

01:09:47.000 But if you look at Marky Mark's movie, what was that? 0.99

01:09:50.000 The Boxer or whatever the fuck it was?

01:09:52.000 What was his movie? 0.88

01:09:53.000 The Fighter?

01:09:54.000 The Fighter.

01:09:54.000 Yeah.

01:09:56.000 Apparently he's boxed before, but the choreography of the boxing scenes is very unrealistic.

01:10:02.000 It didn't look anything like watching Mickey Ward fight.

01:10:05.000 If you watch Mickey Ward fight, I mean, he's taking shots.

01:10:07.000 He had this earmuff style defense.

01:10:11.000 He kept his hands up high.

01:10:12.000 He'd come in and he'd take shots and he'd throw vicious body punches.

01:10:16.000 But you're watching Marky Mark do it.

01:10:17.000 His hands are down, his face is out there.

01:10:19.000 It's not like a real boxer.

01:10:21.000 Daniel Day-Lewis looked like a guy who had been punched in the face.

01:10:24.000 Like, there's a difference between a guy who gets punched in the face all the time, the way they hold their hands, the way they're actually aware that that's a possibility, and then guys who are just not thinking they can get hit at all.

01:10:35.000 You know, like, if you're in a movie, it's one thing if you're hitting the bag or something, but if you're in a movie, you're playing a boxer, it's very important that you look like someone who might get hit in the face.

01:10:44.000 As opposed to an actor who knows where the camera is.

01:10:46.000 Yeah, an actor who knows where the camera is and knows how to throw the punches together.

01:10:50.000 But it's unrealistic because the guy's not hitting you back.

01:10:50.000 Yeah.

01:10:53.000 Like, it doesn't look like the guy can hit you back.

01:10:55.000 You're not scared of the guy.

01:10:56.000 You're not posturing.

01:10:57.000 Like, Daniel Day-Lewis, he's got his hands up.

01:10:59.000 He's moving.

01:11:00.000 He's throwing punches.

01:11:01.000 He's throwing his left hand.

01:11:03.000 His right hand is here.

01:11:04.000 When he throws his right hand, his left hand's here, his shoulders are hunched. 0.99

01:11:06.000 He's not standing like some fucking superhero. 0.99

01:11:09.000 He's standing like a boxer. 0.99

01:11:10.000 He's like making his target small.

01:11:12.000 His footwork is excellent.

01:11:14.000 The way he's delivering the jab, right hand combination, the one-two combination, looks very smooth.

01:11:20.000 Everything looks real.

01:11:21.000 And he boxed for a full year before he did that role. 0.99

01:11:25.000 For a full year, this motherfucker trained every day. 0.99

01:11:28.000 He got up. 1.00

01:11:28.000 He went jogging. 1.00

01:11:29.000 He lived like a boxer.

01:11:31.000 He went to the gym.

01:11:31.000 He hit the mitts.

01:11:32.000 He hit the speed bag.

01:11:33.000 He hit the heavy bag.

01:11:34.000 He did rounds. 1.00

01:11:35.000 He put fucking Vaseline on his face, and they sent him out there with a cup on. 1.00

01:11:39.000 They beat the shit out of each other. 1.00

01:11:40.000 He did it for a year, dude. 0.98

01:11:42.000 A year. 1.00

01:11:44.000 He lived like a pro boxer for a fucking year. 0.99

01:11:47.000 And when that movie came around, he really looked like a boxer. 0.99

01:11:50.000 What about, did you see the movie Warrior?

01:11:52.000 Which one's not?

01:11:53.000 The MMA one with...

01:11:54.000 Unfortunately, I did.

01:11:56.000 Okay, that one made me cry also.

01:11:58.000 What?

01:11:59.000 That was a good movie.

01:12:01.000 It was a good movie.

01:12:02.000 It was poorly executed as far as MMA is concerned.

01:12:02.000 It was a great movie.

01:12:06.000 It was preposterous.

01:12:07.000 First of all, you would never make people fight two days in a row.

01:12:10.000 It would never happen.

01:12:11.000 Yeah.

01:12:11.000 You can't do that.

01:12:12.000 Because two days in a row, the first day, you get beat the fuck up. 0.99

01:12:15.000 Everybody, even the people who win, the next day, you're sore as fuck. 0.99

01:12:19.000 Your body's all beat up. 0.99

01:12:20.000 Your head might be...

01:12:21.000 You might have internal swelling.

01:12:23.000 You don't know. 0.99

01:12:24.000 There's a lot of shit that goes on with these guys after a serious MMA fight. 0.98

01:12:28.000 You could never do two fights in a row where you're going to war like that. 0.99

01:12:32.000 It's just not happening.

01:12:33.000 It's just not happening.

01:12:35.000 I think the premise could have been achieved with a realistic scenario.

01:12:39.000 You could have people fight more than one time in a night.

01:12:42.000 That's happened.

01:12:42.000 People have done that.

01:12:43.000 They barely limp into the final round sometimes.

01:12:46.000 But people have done it.

01:12:47.000 People have fought three times in a night.

01:12:49.000 It's happened.

01:12:50.000 You know, they do that.

01:12:51.000 I've seen them fight in that Horian, Hoyler Gracie, Hexen?

01:12:57.000 Hoist, probably.

01:12:58.000 No, no, no.

01:12:59.000 Choke. 0.93

01:12:59.000 Hickson? 0.93

01:13:00.000 Choke. 0.93

01:13:01.000 Yeah, Hickson.

01:13:02.000 And that one he fought twice in a night.

01:13:03.000 Yeah, that was Japan, Valley Tudo. 0.92

01:13:05.000 Yeah, he might have fought three times.

01:13:06.000 Might have fought three times.

01:13:07.000 Two or three times, but three times is not uncommon back then.

01:13:10.000 They used to have those tournaments. 0.68

01:13:12.000 They did that recently on Glory, man. 0.99

01:13:13.000 Joe Schilling, the guy who was in here a couple weeks ago, he made it to the fucking finals, man. 0.99

01:13:17.000 He fought three times in a night against killers. 0.99

01:13:21.000 He's fighting killers.

01:13:23.000 He fought this guy.

01:13:24.000 The first guy he fought was undefeated.

01:13:27.000 He fights him, and then he fights another guy who had beaten him, and then he goes to the finals and fights arguably the best middleweight in the world. 0.99

01:13:35.000 So it was fucking ridiculous, man. 0.90

01:13:37.000 I have a hard time doing three show nights. 0.99

01:13:39.000 Yeah.

01:13:40.000 Like they do that in Columbus sometimes.

01:13:42.000 I was there last week.

01:13:43.000 I was like, no three show.

01:13:44.000 I can't do it.

01:13:45.000 I was like, by the third show, I'm literally going.

01:13:48.000 I get on stage.

01:13:48.000 I'm like, I have no idea what I've said so far.

01:13:50.000 Yeah, because you've done two shows already, you get confused with your jokes.

01:13:54.000 Also, the audience is done.

01:13:55.000 It's midnight. 1.00

01:13:56.000 Yeah, it's the fucking 18 and under show, usually. 0.99

01:14:00.000 Is it really? 0.99

01:14:01.000 That's what they do?

01:14:02.000 Yeah, well, in Miami they would.

01:14:03.000 In Miami it was 18 and under.

01:14:04.000 It was chaos. 1.00

01:14:05.000 Fucking dick-swagging chaos. 1.00

01:14:07.000 Dick-swagging chaos? 1.00

01:14:08.000 Dude, I know I've told you, but I had a number of times where gangbangers were getting on the stage and showing their dicks. 0.99

01:14:13.000 And I was just like... 0.99

01:14:15.000 I made friends with the wrong gang, and they showed up at my show, and they just would get on stage and show their dicks, and it was fucking chaos. 0.99

01:14:21.000 You made friends with them? 0.99

01:14:22.000 So you're like, Hey guys, we come back to my show!

01:14:25.000 Alright!

01:14:25.000 No gang signs!

01:14:26.000 Just kidding!

01:14:27.000 LOL! It was like stepping shit stupidity. 1.00

01:14:31.000 I was doing radio with DJ Laz in Miami. 1.00

01:14:34.000 He's like the biggest radio guy.

01:14:36.000 And there was this gang called...

01:14:38.000 There was this band called The Zo Pound.

01:14:41.000 And I was like, and I'm doing radio with them, and I bring in tequila, and so we're all drinking tequila.

01:14:46.000 Are you allowed to talk about this without getting gang retribution?

01:14:48.000 Yeah, no, of course, of course, of course, yeah.

01:14:50.000 You know, I mean, it was on radio.

01:14:52.000 Everything was up and up, and all this was set on radio, and so I just started doing shots with them in tequila, and the radio, and with DJ Laz, and then I invited them to the show that night, and then halfway through, the song they were singing was, I'm a zo, I'm a zo, I'm a zo for life,

01:15:07.000 or whatever.

01:15:09.000 You sang along with it? 0.99

01:15:10.000 I'm fucking, I'm sure I was. 1.00

01:15:12.000 I was drunk. 0.99

01:15:13.000 But halfway through, I go, wait, Zopal, that sounds so familiar.

01:15:17.000 And literally, I'm like, oh my god, I saw you guys on Gangland last week!

01:15:21.000 Oh my god, I saw you guys on Gangland. 1.00

01:15:23.000 DJ Laz is losing his mind like, motherfucker! 1.00

01:15:26.000 Does this guy not know who he's talked to? 0.99

01:15:27.000 And I was like, and I had already invited him to the show, so then they came out with the show. 0.99

01:15:30.000 It was fucking chaos. 0.99

01:15:31.000 It was absolutely chaos. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Well, the DJ's asking you. 1.00

01:15:33.000 Well, you're the one who got him in the studio, motherfucker. 0.99

01:15:35.000 How about letting me know who the people are? 1.00

01:15:37.000 How about that?

01:15:39.000 He's upset at you that you don't know who they are? 1.00

01:15:41.000 How about you tell me, bitch? 1.00

01:15:42.000 Was this a secret? 1.00

01:15:43.000 Yeah, it was so, and then everyone came to my show that night, and I had to drink tequila on stage, and then next day a bunch of gang members came on stage, showed their dicks, and It's fucking chaos, but... 0.99

01:15:52.000 Were they hard or were they just... 0.99

01:15:53.000 They were soft and they were massive. 0.99

01:15:54.000 They were fucking massive. 0.99

01:15:56.000 They were heckling so fucking bad, you have no idea. 0.99

01:15:59.000 And I can't... 0.97

01:16:00.000 I don't know these three dudes.

01:16:01.000 I never met them other than I knew that they were armed because that's what the manager said.

01:16:05.000 The manager told you Oh, they were armed?

01:16:06.000 I said, kick them out. 0.99

01:16:07.000 They were heckling so bad.

01:16:09.000 Lisa Crao, they heckled her so bad that she was visibly upset. 1.00

01:16:14.000 Okay.

01:16:15.000 And then the guy goes on next, the feature act, and his hair is, he's like balding guy a little bit, like feathered, covered.

01:16:21.000 But when he comes off, it's matted, sweaty to his bald head. 1.00

01:16:24.000 And he's just fucking like, he's like, these guys are fucking assholes. 1.00

01:16:26.000 They're ruining the show. 1.00

01:16:27.000 And so I tell the manager, who's not there for a long time now, I said, dude, can you ask him to leave or tell him to be quiet?

01:16:35.000 And he's like, I think they're armed. 0.93

01:16:36.000 I'm not gonna fucking say anything. 0.98

01:16:37.000 I think they're armed. 0.97

01:16:38.000 I'm not gonna say anything.

01:16:40.000 Yeah.

01:16:40.000 Well, how does he expect you to perform?

01:16:43.000 I think he just said, you know, take one on the chin and here we go.

01:16:46.000 Wow.

01:16:48.000 That's crazy.

01:16:49.000 That's nothing.

01:16:50.000 They're letting these people just take over their club. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Yeah.

01:16:54.000 The possible potential threat of violence, they're letting these people just dictate what goes on in their club.

01:16:59.000 They're letting these people bully the club around. 0.76

01:17:02.000 That's what's going on, right?

01:17:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:03.000 I mean, but here's the deal.

01:17:04.000 Here's the deal.

01:17:05.000 I'd argue to say this, that you'd probably hand it up very differently, but you're a very different guy than, say, like, me or Bobby Kelly.

01:17:10.000 But, like, I feel like there's a New York vibe, and I just know how to deal with that bad element where they're not getting kicked out.

01:17:16.000 They've already paid.

01:17:17.000 They're going to be sitting here.

01:17:19.000 So I would just ask them questions that I already had the answers to that were set up to my jokes or bits I could get into, and then they've—it went fine.

01:17:26.000 That's great.

01:17:26.000 If they play along, they don't want to just ruin the show.

01:17:29.000 Sometimes people just want to ruin a show.

01:17:31.000 They're not just trying to have a good time.

01:17:33.000 There's a bunch of different...

01:17:34.000 Like, all hecklers are not created equal. 0.99

01:17:36.000 Some people heckle shit, and it's funny. 0.99

01:17:39.000 I think... 1.00

01:17:40.000 I don't know.

01:17:40.000 I've dealt with a number of hecklers, and...

01:17:44.000 I feel like starting in New York, it's easy. 0.99

01:17:47.000 It's not easy, but you just know how to fucking shut it down. 1.00

01:17:50.000 Well, you get used to being fucked with. 0.99

01:17:52.000 We were talking about that yesterday, Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen and I, about actors, like some actors who take themselves super fucking seriously. 0.99

01:18:00.000 You can't joke around with them at all. 0.99

01:18:02.000 They'll get fucking furious. 0.99

01:18:04.000 They have no sense of humor and they storm off. 1.00

01:18:07.000 You know, I think people who've been fucked with a bunch, you know what getting fucked with is. 1.00

01:18:12.000 Like, you walk out there like, oh, it's fucking Burt! 0.99

01:18:14.000 What's up, guys? 0.99

01:18:15.000 What's up?

01:18:16.000 You get used to it.

01:18:17.000 You're not like, what?

01:18:18.000 Why are you guys giving me a hard time?

01:18:19.000 Why don't you just accept the way I look?

01:18:21.000 I have body image issues already. 1.00

01:18:23.000 You guys are fucking, oh, it's my breasts? 1.00

01:18:25.000 You don't like my breasts? 1.00

01:18:26.000 Okay, well, fuck you. 1.00

01:18:27.000 This is me. 1.00

01:18:28.000 Get on or get off.

01:18:30.000 It's the Burt ride.

01:18:31.000 Okay?

01:18:33.000 I'm not changing.

01:18:34.000 This is who I am, okay?

01:18:36.000 Like really self-indulgent, actor-y type thinking, right?

01:18:40.000 Well then, you know, you would have a hard time with hecklers.

01:18:43.000 But if you're a guy that's like a guy who did stand up at the store, you know, the store doesn't have any crowd control.

01:18:49.000 So I started out there. 0.99

01:18:51.000 No one ever stopped anybody from yelling shit out. 0.99

01:18:54.000 Very similar storm mentality to him as New York. 1.00

01:18:56.000 They would kick people out, though, if shit got ugly. 1.00

01:18:58.000 They would kick people out. 0.99

01:18:59.000 They would just figure out a way to do it.

01:19:00.000 See, I'm the opposite.

01:19:02.000 I'm the exact opposite of that in that I'm maybe not perfect for hecklers, but I want everyone to like me. 0.92

01:19:08.000 That's a massive fucking underlying tone in my personality.

01:19:11.000 So even if they say something hurtful or mean, I don't snap on them. 0.98

01:19:15.000 It takes a lot for me to snap.

01:19:17.000 Well, you should just, as a craftsman, not snap on them immediately anyway, unless it's the funny thing to do, and you've got to know when it is.

01:19:23.000 It's like a weird sort of...

01:19:25.000 Sometimes it's funny to just snap on someone right away, as long as you don't really mean it.

01:19:29.000 That's the thing, too.

01:19:31.000 Like, you can't actually be angry.

01:19:32.000 When you're snapping, there has to be a smile there.

01:19:34.000 I mean, like, a real legitimate smile.

01:19:36.000 You have to be enjoying yourself.

01:19:38.000 And it has to be that what you're doing is you're putting on an improvised performance dealing with these variables, these people in the audience.

01:19:44.000 And if you can do that, you can manage that, you can make a crazy situation become fun.

01:19:50.000 But it's like, some people can't.

01:19:50.000 Yeah.

01:19:52.000 It's not their style.

01:19:53.000 Some people's style is...

01:19:55.000 I've prepared a performance.

01:19:56.000 And if you heckle me, you're ruining what I've prepared.

01:19:59.000 And what I've prepared is not better than dealing with you. 0.99

01:20:03.000 And you're fucking it up for all these people around you. 0.99

01:20:05.000 And they're right too, man. 0.99

01:20:06.000 They're right too.

01:20:07.000 It's just, live performances are weird.

01:20:10.000 You can't control, like, it's a crazy agreement that works most of the time. 0.82

01:20:14.000 I mean, it is a great testament to how fucking cool people are.

01:20:17.000 That stand-up works as often as it does. 0.96

01:20:21.000 We were talking about the news, about how the news is always highlighting all these negative things.

01:20:26.000 Because really what the news is is an entertainment show.

01:20:29.000 And the best way to get you to be paying attention is to scare you.

01:20:33.000 Not to show you robust views of happy people thriving in this world and being loving and successful.

01:20:42.000 Which is a great majority of people. 0.96

01:20:44.000 Way more than our cunts. 0.99

01:20:46.000 It's just a small that small percentage gets to the news And so you look at the news like the world's overrun with cunts, but it's it's not it's not It's just that's what they're showing you like that's what's in front of you If you look at how many goddamn comedy shows that go on the great majority of people are fucking amazing Yeah, 0.99

01:21:04.000 the great majority. 0.95

01:21:05.000 It's just a very few people heckle one out of three hundred maybe one out of six hundred I like the thing that drives me more nuts than heckling is those people who talk to other people about something.

01:21:16.000 That's what drives me nuts is a table of eight where a guy's talking across the table and you see them leaning forward and going like, hey, I don't mind heckling.

01:21:24.000 I feel like that's the way my black friend was saying that racism is. 1.00

01:21:27.000 I'd rather know you're fucking racist and know where I lay than have you do it behind my back. 1.00

01:21:31.000 Then you're sneaky. 1.00

01:21:32.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:21:33.000 You want to know if somebody doesn't like you or someone's going to be a problem.

01:21:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:37.000 And so there's people that talk like, just talk like shit. 1.00

01:21:40.000 I just fucking, that will make me crazy and then I'll snap. 1.00

01:21:43.000 That'll be weird. 0.99

01:21:44.000 Yeah, I've seen people talk, like, not while I've been on stage, but rather while other people have been on stage. 0.95

01:21:50.000 I've seen people, like, talk shit about the comedian's performances, like, in the front row.

01:21:56.000 And then, like, saw it with Nick DiPaolo or something? 0.98

01:21:58.000 Nick DiPaolo, some guy was, like, had his arms crossed. 0.99

01:22:02.000 And Nick, even though Nick was killing with, like, the rest of the crowd, he's like, this fucking guy with his arms crossed. 0.99

01:22:07.000 Like, what's going on here? 0.99

01:22:08.000 Like, my joke's not good enough for you?

01:22:10.000 Like, became, like, this obsession with him.

01:22:12.000 It's just this guy with his arms crossed? 1.00

01:22:13.000 Guy had his arms crossed, but I've seen people talk shit about people like, this guy sucks. 1.00

01:22:17.000 Like in the front row, and you see the comic deal with it, like, oh, I suck, sir. 0.99

01:22:23.000 You know, like, what's going on here? 0.92

01:22:26.000 And it always winds up being these people are way less clever than they think they are.

01:22:31.000 They think they're going to get you, and it's almost like when someone throws a haymaker at you, and you just get out of the way of it, you're like, what?

01:22:37.000 Was that supposed to hit me? 1.00

01:22:39.000 And they're like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:22:40.000 Now you know you're going to be in for a long night. 1.00

01:22:41.000 Because now you're actually having a conversation with a stand-up. 1.00

01:22:44.000 Instead of being able to say to your friend, oh, this guy sucks. 0.97

01:22:47.000 Now this guy's going to focus on you. 0.99

01:22:48.000 Yeah.

01:22:49.000 And you're going to trip up.

01:22:50.000 You're just going to. 1.00

01:22:51.000 Unless you're some fucking comedy wizard that's undercover. 1.00

01:22:51.000 Okay? 1.00

01:22:54.000 And even then you know I'm a microphone.

01:22:56.000 You're going to get beaten up by someone who's a real comic.

01:23:00.000 They're going to be able to chew you up.

01:23:01.000 But they don't think that.

01:23:01.000 Yeah.

01:23:02.000 They don't think that.

01:23:03.000 They think they're smarter.

01:23:04.000 When people see people fight, I can't tell you how many times... 0.99

01:23:07.000 Where people after UFC goes, why the fuck didn't the guy just do this?

01:23:11.000 Why doesn't he just do it? 0.99

01:23:12.000 Why doesn't he fucking hit him with the right hand? 0.99

01:23:13.000 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:23:15.000 You think it's that easy to punch somebody? 1.00

01:23:16.000 Like, what are you, crazy? 0.99

01:23:18.000 You don't think he sees the right hand coming? 0.98

01:23:19.000 He's right in front of him.

01:23:20.000 Oh, okay.

01:23:21.000 Why don't you go do it?

01:23:22.000 You don't know what you're talking about.

01:23:23.000 You've never tried to do this.

01:23:24.000 This is crazy talk. 0.98

01:23:26.000 If they actually got out there, they would shit their pants and realize, like, oh, this is a moving target that's better at this than me, and they're moving faster than I can move. 1.00

01:23:35.000 I'm going to get hit in the head. 1.00

01:23:36.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:23:37.000 And then when you're thinking about getting hit in the head, you're trying to throw a punch, like...

01:23:40.000 Yeah, that's reality.

01:23:42.000 Every time you throw a punch, bang! 1.00

01:23:43.000 You get your fucking head knocked back. 1.00

01:23:46.000 That's reality. 1.00

01:23:47.000 When people are watching shit, their ridiculous confidence plus boos, they get this ridiculous... 1.00

01:23:54.000 Stupid distorted idea of who they are in the greater spectrum thing They think they're better at something than you without even ever doing it which is hilarious It's amazing how fast a real-life punch like how you're right you can kind of do it's almost like the dance move in your head versus the dance move you really do like I've only ducked one punch and I fucking when I did I cracked my nose on my knee because I ducked way too fucking hard. 1.00

01:24:18.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

01:24:18.000 I just went whack and fucking was like holy shit, but that's the reality of it is you go I know what to do, but I just have never done the dance myself Well, that's what that Daniel Day-Lewis guy did It's a reason why he looks so good as a boxer as he was out there moving with real boxers getting hit ducking bobbing and weaving So that when he was in there, 0.99

01:24:38.000 he had a realistic sense of the movements that you would actually be performing while you're fighting. 0.99

01:24:43.000 As opposed to, like, a lot of guys is like, yeah, and then I'm going to hit him with this punch, and he's going to go falling back, and then I'm going to hit him with a one-two, and your face is wide open, you're not bobbing, you're not weaving. 1.00

01:24:53.000 You know, the unrealistic sense of competence without experience is the sign of a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:25:00.000 And that's a really common thing, especially with men. 1.00

01:25:03.000 Men with testosterone and alcohol combined with very few real live experiences as far as really having to pull yourself up, really having to dig down deep and find out what your character's all about. 0.97

01:25:18.000 There's a lot of guys going through life that never find out who the fuck they really are when the going gets rough. 0.98

01:25:23.000 They just don't know. 0.99

01:25:24.000 They've never been there. 1.00

01:25:25.000 So their idea of what they're capable of or how they would respond to those situations is based on fucking movies. 1.00

01:25:31.000 It's based on, like, hero bullshit movies. 1.00

01:25:34.000 You know, this guy kicks everybody's ass. 1.00

01:25:36.000 That's what I fucking do. 1.00

01:25:37.000 I'll kick everybody's ass. 1.00

01:25:37.000 I saw a YouTube video. 1.00

01:25:38.000 I know what to do. 1.00

01:25:39.000 I'll kick this fucking guy's ass. 1.00

01:25:41.000 Like, the reality, though, is that's terrifying. 1.00

01:25:44.000 There's no rules.

01:25:45.000 This is all wild.

01:25:46.000 Yeah.

01:25:47.000 Like, no one knows what's gonna happen here.

01:25:48.000 This is completely improvisational, and it involves violence.

01:25:52.000 It involves you being successful at achieving violence on someone who's probably been doing it way longer than you.

01:25:58.000 They're way better at you.

01:25:59.000 Just like a comic is way better at cracking jokes than a person who's never been on stage cracking jokes.

01:26:03.000 Oh, when you see actors play comics in movies, and you go, oh, you're clearly acting.

01:26:09.000 You're clearly acting.

01:26:10.000 Because I know right now that if there was a stand-up doing that, he would simply be doing stand-up and they'd be filming it.

01:26:10.000 Because you've never done stand-up.

01:26:16.000 Yes.

01:26:17.000 As opposed to watching them act. 0.99

01:26:19.000 As if they're fun- Oh, it's fucking painful. 0.99

01:26:22.000 Well, Tom Hanks and fucking Sally Fields- I was just thinking- I was just thinking of that. 0.99

01:26:26.000 Good lord, that movie's awful. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Oh, it's painful.

01:26:28.000 Good lord. 1.00

01:26:29.000 It's the fucking one with- Oh, never mind. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Barry Sobel. 0.99

01:26:31.000 No, yeah, there's more that have been out like that, but like- Yeah.

01:26:34.000 Well, you just watch someone who's clearly not a stand-up, and you're like- Yeah.

01:26:37.000 Like, and I think Seth Rogen's very funny.

01:26:39.000 But he's not a stand-up.

01:26:40.000 Well, he was a stand-up.

01:26:41.000 Yeah, but he's not.

01:26:42.000 How dare you.

01:26:43.000 Have you ever seen his Canadian performance?

01:26:46.000 He has his first performance in Canada online.

01:26:50.000 You should watch it, man. 0.97

01:26:51.000 I think he's fucking hilarious in all his movies. 0.97

01:26:51.000 Is he really funny? 0.97

01:26:55.000 I think he's an amazing writer, an amazing actor.

01:26:57.000 I love watching the guy.

01:26:58.000 But just when I saw him in that movie, I thought he was a great actor in it.

01:27:00.000 But when we did stand-up, I thought he was doing a version of someone else that people thought he would be doing, as opposed to Seth Rogen, the movies I watch.

01:27:07.000 The movies I watch, when I watch him be funny, that is not him being funny.

01:27:11.000 Like, that's not the translation of that.

01:27:13.000 You know what another problem is?

01:27:15.000 When they have those movies where guys do stand-up on stage, the material's never good.

01:27:15.000 What?

01:27:20.000 Right. 0.99

01:27:21.000 Because stand-ups are never going to give you good material that you could use in their fucking movie. 0.99

01:27:21.000 You know why? 0.99

01:27:25.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:27:26.000 If I come up with a good... 1.00

01:27:27.000 If I'm writing for a movie about stand-up and I come up with a really good idea, that's not going in that movie, bitch. 1.00

01:27:32.000 That's going over here. 0.97

01:27:33.000 I'm going to store that.

01:27:35.000 I'm going to give you some mediocre nonsense that you could add.

01:27:37.000 I always think that about writers for TV shows that started up as stand-ups.

01:27:41.000 I'm like, there's no way.

01:27:43.000 I'd never write for anybody.

01:27:45.000 I can never write for anybody.

01:27:46.000 That's not me.

01:27:47.000 I could never also take material from other people.

01:27:49.000 It all needs to be mine.

01:27:51.000 It needs to come from me entirely, 100%, and it needs to be my words.

01:27:54.000 Some guys can't do that.

01:27:56.000 They don't have the time. 0.96

01:27:57.000 They're doing a bunch of movies and shit, so they hire writers. 0.95

01:28:01.000 Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with hiring writers. 0.97

01:28:03.000 If that's what you want to do, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

01:28:06.000 I don't do it.

01:28:07.000 Most of my friends don't do it.

01:28:08.000 I don't know anybody who does it.

01:28:10.000 I don't know anyone who does it.

01:28:11.000 I mean, I know a guy who does it, but I don't know him personally.

01:28:13.000 But it's alright.

01:28:15.000 It's fine.

01:28:16.000 I mean, it's an honest exchange.

01:28:20.000 I don't know the problem with Larry the cable guy doing it or Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall. 0.97

01:28:25.000 I just think anyone who's not a household name in that respect, I just fucking tap out. 0.96

01:28:32.000 Look at this. 0.94

01:28:33.000 1996 Seth Rogen doing stand-up comedy in Canada.

01:28:37.000 Wow.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, no, he's a comic.

01:28:39.000 I heard him on Opie and Anthony talking about it.

01:28:41.000 He definitely started out as a comic.

01:28:44.000 But I think he was doing comedy in a movie.

01:28:46.000 Again, he's probably not doing stand-up right now.

01:28:48.000 I think he did a little bit for that movie to prepare for it, but he's not doing it enough to where he's got like 20 killer minutes that he could do in the movie, and they can use that.

01:28:57.000 And you wouldn't do it anyway.

01:28:58.000 You would give them some whack-ass material.

01:29:00.000 The good stuff you're going to use on stage.

01:29:02.000 You're going to use it for a special.

01:29:02.000 Yeah.

01:29:04.000 Like, if you're a comic especially, and the guys who are good comics are the guys who are going to be good at writing stand-up comedy.

01:29:04.000 You're going to use it...

01:29:11.000 If someone's never done stand-up comedy, it's just theoretical whether or not their jokes are good.

01:29:16.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 Like, there's a lot of people that write for sitcoms that have never done stand-up and never performed, and they have some ideas of what they think will be funny in a scene, and occasionally they write...

01:29:27.000 Occasionally they're right, but they're wrong almost as much as they're right, you know, unless they're really good writers, you know, on a really good show where they've got a tremendous amount of experience, they've got a good feel of the dynamic of these situations and what's going to be funny about the pause and what's going to be funny about this line in response to the pause,

01:29:44.000 but a lot of them are just guessing.

01:29:46.000 They're just guessing.

01:29:47.000 Like, you'll get scripts, dude.

01:29:49.000 I've read some scripts. 0.97

01:29:50.000 I've read a script recently where I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. 0.98

01:29:54.000 Really? 0.97

01:29:54.000 Because none of this is funny. 0.97

01:29:56.000 I'm like going page after page like, when does it get to be funny, you fucking lazy cunts? 1.00

01:30:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:00.000 Like this is shit. 1.00

01:30:02.000 This is like shit writing. 1.00

01:30:04.000 But that's a lot of it out there, man. 1.00

01:30:06.000 Go watch an episode of fucking Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left. 0.99

01:30:10.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:30:12.000 He'll have a heart attack.

01:30:13.000 He'll go, where are the jokes?

01:30:15.000 What is this?

01:30:17.000 What are you trying to make me look?

01:30:18.000 What is this?

01:30:19.000 What are you trying to sell?

01:30:21.000 Watch it when he was still on the show. 1.00

01:30:22.000 Same shit. 1.00

01:30:23.000 Sometimes. 1.00

01:30:24.000 Sometimes it was half decent.

01:30:27.000 I've seen a lot of sitcoms where I just...

01:30:29.000 Some funny, you know, half decent premises.

01:30:32.000 It's hard.

01:30:34.000 That kid passed away, Harris Whittles.

01:30:36.000 Yeah.

01:30:38.000 I read that, some of his writings, Aziz Ansari wrote a blog about him. 1.00

01:30:43.000 The kid, his writings were fucking hilarious as shit. 0.99

01:30:46.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:30:47.000 I think I met him one time in Houston, a long time ago.

01:30:49.000 He worked the door.

01:30:52.000 It's really hard to translate, even being funny on stage, to writing a script and making it funny. 0.98

01:30:58.000 It's really fucking hard.

01:31:00.000 Yeah, it's hard to get a real genuine sense of interaction between two human beings when you're trying to put in punchlines. 0.98

01:31:07.000 Like, oh god, some people are so bad at it.

01:31:10.000 I got fucking really spoiled because the writers on news radio were really good. 0.74

01:31:14.000 And I did it for five years. 0.96

01:31:15.000 You have no idea how funny that show was.

01:31:16.000 I know, I was there.

01:31:18.000 No, just as an outside watch, someone who watches it, you have no idea.

01:31:22.000 Because you had to deal with Andy Dick every day.

01:31:24.000 Yeah, it was alright. 0.86

01:31:25.000 No, but I mean, even just working with him, from the outside looking in, Andy Dick was so goddamn hilarious on that show. 0.93

01:31:33.000 It's a real tragedy that that didn't turn him into fucking what Ben Stiller is, you know? 0.95

01:31:40.000 Well, he could have. 1.00

01:31:41.000 Andy's crazy.

01:31:42.000 I mean, he got the Andy Dick show and all the other stuff, but Andy will tell you himself that it was more battling demons than anything.

01:31:49.000 He's got a lot of demons.

01:31:50.000 He had something that he's talking about on his Instagram the other day.

01:31:54.000 I looked at it.

01:31:55.000 It was him drinking some healthy drink.

01:31:57.000 He's like, thank God I'm addicted to something healthy for once.

01:32:01.000 That's his deal.

01:32:03.000 It's always going to be his deal.

01:32:04.000 We used to do scenes. 0.98

01:32:05.000 We had to do them three or four times because I couldn't fucking not laugh. 0.97

01:32:08.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:32:09.000 I would break.

01:32:10.000 Yeah, I would break.

01:32:11.000 Because he drove you nuts on this set, right?

01:32:12.000 Sometimes.

01:32:13.000 Sometimes he's great.

01:32:14.000 I mean, out of all the times we worked together, he didn't drive me nuts the majority of the time.

01:32:18.000 It wasn't that bad.

01:32:20.000 He became way more out of control after he left the show than he was on the show.

01:32:24.000 Really?

01:32:25.000 Getting arrested and all that stuff.

01:32:27.000 That didn't go on while he was on the show.

01:32:29.000 Now, did you guys have a set...

01:32:30.000 I don't think I've ever asked you this.

01:32:33.000 Did you have a set next door to Geraldo's?

01:32:35.000 And did you guys used to drink beers after work?

01:32:35.000 Yes.

01:32:38.000 Yeah, we would go to...

01:32:39.000 Well, we used to drink beer on the set.

01:32:41.000 We used to drink beer down the street.

01:32:44.000 There was this bar that we used to go to that would be like a lot of different shows would go there.

01:32:48.000 I hung out with the dude from Everybody Loves Raymond, the old man.

01:32:52.000 What's the guy's...

01:32:53.000 The dad?

01:32:54.000 Famous actor.

01:32:56.000 Jerry, no.

01:32:57.000 No.

01:32:59.000 Peter? 1.00

01:32:59.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:33:00.000 Yes. 1.00

01:33:01.000 Not O'Toole, Peter.

01:33:02.000 He was in Young Frankenstein.

01:33:04.000 Peter Boyle.

01:33:05.000 Yeah, he was in Young Frankenstein.

01:33:05.000 Yeah, Peter Boyle.

01:33:07.000 He was in a bunch of movies.

01:33:08.000 He's been around a long time. 0.99

01:33:09.000 He was cool as fuck. 0.95

01:33:10.000 We got to hang out with a lot of cool people back there. 0.99

01:33:13.000 I always wanted to party with the girl that was on your show.

01:33:15.000 Which one?

01:33:17.000 Melissa?

01:33:18.000 No.

01:33:18.000 Mora Tierney?

01:33:19.000 Mora Tierney's great.

01:33:20.000 I think I heard Geraldo say she was just fun to party with. 0.99

01:33:23.000 She liked to drink.

01:33:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:25.000 She likes to get fucked up. 1.00

01:33:26.000 She's hilarious, too. 1.00

01:33:27.000 She's very funny.

01:33:28.000 She's a really good actress.

01:33:30.000 Actor, whatever you want to call it.

01:33:31.000 She's so good that sometimes we'd be doing scenes.

01:33:33.000 And I wouldn't really know that we had started doing the scene.

01:33:36.000 I thought she was just talking.

01:33:37.000 Because she was so natural, the way she would act.

01:33:41.000 It was really natural.

01:33:42.000 Kind of creepy.

01:33:44.000 But it's like, that's the craft.

01:33:46.000 The craft of sliding effortlessly into a role with no bullshit about it.

01:33:51.000 And that's something that's very hard for a lot of people to do.

01:33:54.000 And it's very hard for a lot of people to write that way as well.

01:33:58.000 For an actor, you get a great actor like a Steven Root.

01:33:58.000 That's the big thing.

01:34:02.000 Steven Root never...

01:34:04.000 He didn't really ad-lib.

01:34:06.000 He had a very specific, very clear character.

01:34:10.000 Steven Root was the boss.

01:34:11.000 He was the boss.

01:34:12.000 It was Jimmy James.

01:34:13.000 He's not anything like that guy.

01:34:15.000 If you met him...

01:34:15.000 No, I haven't.

01:34:16.000 He's like the biggest sweetheart.

01:34:17.000 He's like, you know, Jimmy James the boss is like this slick-talking guy, and you know, who's kind of like, not dumb, but not really interested.

01:34:25.000 Like, he was, dude, that show was, I mean, that show was, honestly, and I know you guys always teetered on whether or not you're going to get renewed, that show was one of my favorite shows I've ever seen ever on television.

01:34:37.000 Quantum Leap, number one.

01:34:39.000 That show, number two.

01:34:40.000 I mean, like...

01:34:41.000 Okay, we're in lofty company, at least.

01:34:44.000 That show got moved nine times.

01:34:46.000 Newsradio moved nine times before the internet.

01:34:49.000 So there was no internet back then.

01:34:50.000 Well, there was an internet, I guess.

01:34:52.000 The internet sort of started in 1994, but nobody was using it to find out what time shows were on.

01:34:58.000 The amount of people that were on the internet back then was fucking nil.

01:35:02.000 That show was during dial-up. 0.95

01:35:04.000 Yeah, it was during dial-up.

01:35:05.000 It was during 14-4 dial-up.

01:35:08.000 That's when it started. 0.99

01:35:09.000 Fucking 14-4 baud modems. 1.00

01:35:15.000 Everything was slow as fuck. 1.00

01:35:17.000 If you want to download a picture of tits, it would be like this, chunk chunk. 1.00

01:35:20.000 I remember that. 0.77

01:35:21.000 Chunk chunk. 1.00

01:35:22.000 Chunk chunk. 1.00

01:35:22.000 And then all of a sudden you get a tunk and you're like, I'm going to start jerking off now. 1.00

01:35:25.000 And then it's a dick. 1.00

01:35:26.000 This will be loaded by the time I come. 1.00

01:35:27.000 Yeah, you get past her tits and she's jerking off. 1.00

01:35:30.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

01:35:30.000 She's got a dick? 1.00

01:35:33.000 But the show moved nine different times. 0.99

01:35:35.000 So because you guys weren't like a definite hit, does that mean you guys...

01:35:39.000 I feel like when shows aren't hits, it brings the cast closer together.

01:35:43.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:35:44.000 I mean, we definitely couldn't get a big head, which is good because there's a lot of people that get big heads when they get successful.

01:35:50.000 There's no way around it.

01:35:51.000 It happens.

01:35:52.000 It happens so often. 1.00

01:35:53.000 We were talking about the other day about this show where this guy got on it and then immediately started acting like a cunt. 0.99

01:36:02.000 Like just thought he was... 0.99

01:36:03.000 Every reality show out there.

01:36:04.000 The whole world revolved around.

01:36:05.000 It wasn't a reality show.

01:36:06.000 It was a sitcom.

01:36:07.000 Really? 0.97

01:36:07.000 The whole world revolved around him and then it wound up fucking ruining his entire career. 0.97

01:36:11.000 But that just happens when things get successful.

01:36:14.000 Something happens when certain people get successful, especially like actors.

01:36:19.000 There's a part of them that almost like serial killers want to get caught. 0.90

01:36:25.000 This is a part of actors where they act so ridiculous that they almost want someone to call them on it. 1.00

01:36:33.000 They almost want someone to tell them, hey, you're being a fucking cunt. 1.00

01:36:40.000 And they're like, yeah, you know, I really was. 1.00

01:36:43.000 There's a comedy movie that my friend did with this guy.

01:36:47.000 And the guy's a famous guy.

01:36:48.000 And in the middle of the scene, he just starts smashing this car. 0.71

01:36:52.000 He fucked his scene up. 0.98

01:36:54.000 So he starts kicking at this car, and he breaks the windows, and he breaks the side mirror off, and he just fucking picks up something and smashes it against his car. 1.00

01:37:02.000 Fucks this car up, man. 0.98

01:37:04.000 And I don't know if it was somebody's car, or if it was production's car, or what is. 0.97

01:37:08.000 But he felt like he was such a big deal, and he's a very famous guy, that at the time, he just felt like he could smash this car.

01:37:16.000 So he just smashed a car on set.

01:37:19.000 Yeah.

01:37:20.000 I mean, it's just one of those things.

01:37:22.000 It's like, the guy went crazy.

01:37:25.000 But he went crazy because he could get away with it.

01:37:27.000 And they cleaned it all up, and he paid for whatever the damage was in the car, and that's where it ended.

01:37:30.000 And it's like, it's one of those things.

01:37:33.000 It's like, you can't do that if you're in the Teamsters.

01:37:35.000 You can't do that if you're the craft service guy.

01:37:37.000 The craft service guy can't say, look, I'm gonna pay for that car. 0.99

01:37:40.000 I fucked it up. 0.96

01:37:41.000 Like, no, you're not gonna pay for it! 1.00

01:37:42.000 You're gonna go to jail, you asshole! 1.00

01:37:44.000 Yeah, eventually you'll pay for it. 1.00

01:37:46.000 Even if you do pay for it, fuck you, you don't work here anymore. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Like, I don't care how good your egg sandwich is, you can't smash someone's car because you fucking burnt an egg, you know? 1.00

01:37:54.000 But if you're an actor, you can get this sense that it's okay for you to just smash this fucking car. 1.00

01:38:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:03.000 That kind of makes people go nutty when they get famous, when things go really well for them.

01:38:07.000 We never got famous.

01:38:09.000 It never went well.

01:38:11.000 We were on television, and it was really hard for people to just enjoy the moment of being on television. 0.99

01:38:15.000 There was a lot of conversations we had on the show where a balanced perspective was required because they would be like, I can't believe this show is after Friends, this is bullshit, that show fucking sucks, and why are they after Seinfeld? 0.99

01:38:28.000 That show fucking sucks, and why can't we be on Thursday nights? 0.99

01:38:32.000 God, this is so frustrating. 1.00

01:38:33.000 And, you know, I remember we were having this conversation. 0.99

01:38:36.000 I was like, look, last time I checked, we're on fucking TV. Yeah. 0.99

01:38:39.000 We have a TV show, you know, and it's still in the air.

01:38:42.000 We're in, like, season three.

01:38:43.000 Like, this is crazy.

01:38:45.000 And there was probably no perspective at the time that you guys were...

01:38:47.000 I mean, we're getting to work with Phil Hartman, who is...

01:38:50.000 It was like a blessing.

01:38:51.000 Oh no, there was definitely a perspective in that.

01:38:54.000 I definitely recognize Phil and Dave Foley.

01:38:58.000 It's equally important.

01:38:59.000 Dave Foley was like the glue that kept that hole.

01:39:01.000 He was like what I call the secret producer.

01:39:03.000 I see that guy a lot.

01:39:04.000 I run into that guy a lot.

01:39:05.000 Where do you run into him?

01:39:06.000 Jerk Off Powers?

01:39:07.000 I saw you wink.

01:39:08.000 What?

01:39:09.000 Our kids go to the same school, but I always want to stop them and say, I'm never good at meeting celebrities.

01:39:15.000 He's a sweetie.

01:39:16.000 I want to go like, hey, I know Joe Rogan, but our...

01:39:19.000 Just do it.

01:39:20.000 You'd have a great conversation with him, trust me.

01:39:22.000 He's a sweetheart of a guy. 0.99

01:39:24.000 Or he'd be creeped out like I've creeped out a lot of fucking celebrities before. 0.99

01:39:28.000 I think he would deal with it. 0.99

01:39:30.000 He's very intelligent.

01:39:31.000 Yeah, well maybe I'll try to say hi to him next time I see him.

01:39:33.000 He's a good dude, man.

01:39:34.000 He's a really good dude. 1.00

01:39:35.000 And he struggled with that fucking demon in a bottle too. 0.99

01:39:38.000 Yeah, but what were you saying? 1.00

01:39:39.000 I didn't mean to interrupt you.

01:39:40.000 I'm sorry.

01:39:41.000 You were saying that I said Phil Hartman's so talented and he was taken away so quick that you didn't know you were getting to work with a guy that's a legend at the end of his life.

01:39:41.000 I don't remember.

01:39:51.000 We certainly didn't know it was the end of his life, but we definitely knew he was something special.

01:39:55.000 You know, every time we went anywhere, like, that's where the people, they wanted to talk to Phil.

01:40:01.000 Like, very rarely anybody wanted to talk to me.

01:40:04.000 Like, they did interviews and stuff like that.

01:40:06.000 I mean, occasionally people wanted to talk to me.

01:40:08.000 But most of the time, it was they wanted to talk to Phil. 0.99

01:40:11.000 It was Phil fucking Hartman. 0.98

01:40:12.000 He was always doing big movies. 0.99

01:40:14.000 You know, like, he had that Sergeant Bilko movie that turned out to be, like, a bomb.

01:40:17.000 He did that while we were all together, and he did another couple of movies while we were all together.

01:40:21.000 He was always doing something. 0.99

01:40:23.000 He was always kicking ass. 0.99

01:40:24.000 He was always doing... 0.99

01:40:25.000 I think he was the dad in Beethoven.

01:40:25.000 Was he in Beethoven?

01:40:27.000 No, no.

01:40:28.000 In like the third one.

01:40:29.000 I think it was in the third one.

01:40:31.000 Charles Grodin, who became a talk show host, right?

01:40:31.000 Really?

01:40:34.000 Charles Grodin was in the first one, and then I think down the line.

01:40:36.000 He got weird.

01:40:37.000 That guy got weird.

01:40:38.000 I think he just got implants or something.

01:40:41.000 What do you mean?

01:40:42.000 I think I just saw him with hair.

01:40:44.000 Really?

01:40:45.000 Well, he had wigs forever.

01:40:46.000 Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

01:40:47.000 He might have.

01:40:48.000 He might have done it all up and then released the hounds.

01:40:51.000 He seemed like an interesting guy.

01:40:52.000 He seemed like an interesting guy when he was a comic and then I think he fell off the deep end.

01:40:56.000 Well, I think dudes get older, and they just get tired of it, too.

01:40:59.000 You know, I mean, the guy was around the 70s.

01:41:01.000 By the time, you know, the year 2015 rolls around, he's probably like, oh, I'm done.

01:41:06.000 That's not going to be me.

01:41:06.000 Yeah.

01:41:07.000 It's not?

01:41:08.000 No!

01:41:09.000 What are you going to do?

01:41:10.000 Joan Rivers it?

01:41:11.000 No.

01:41:11.000 Burnout.

01:41:12.000 I always think, I don't think you die.

01:41:12.000 I don't know.

01:41:14.000 I've been thinking about this lately.

01:41:15.000 I don't think you die.

01:41:16.000 You don't think you die?

01:41:18.000 I don't think you die.

01:41:19.000 Good luck with that idea.

01:41:21.000 You prove it.

01:41:24.000 I don't have to.

01:41:26.000 Theoretically, I guess it just ends, but I just feel like you keep going into new parallel universes.

01:41:33.000 It's just as possible.

01:41:35.000 I feel like I could have died a lot.

01:41:37.000 You might have.

01:41:38.000 You know, and like, yeah, I might have died a million deaths, but I keep going.

01:41:41.000 So what do you think people that die around you, what's that about?

01:41:43.000 I think that's part of my universe, but it's not part of theirs.

01:41:46.000 In my own parallel universe, they die, and that is for my journey for them to die.

01:41:51.000 I remember I lost a dude.

01:41:53.000 We lost a bunch of guys.

01:41:54.000 I've lost a ton of friends from suicide.

01:41:57.000 Whoa, whoa, hold on.

01:41:58.000 How many?

01:41:58.000 Let's not even get into it.

01:41:59.000 How many?

01:42:00.000 We lost like four in college in our fraternity.

01:42:02.000 Whoa.

01:42:03.000 I had three in high school.

01:42:04.000 Yeah.

01:42:05.000 Three in high school?

01:42:06.000 Yeah.

01:42:06.000 Three of your friends in high school committed suicide?

01:42:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:09.000 How many of them did you fuck? 1.00

01:42:10.000 Two. 1.00

01:42:12.000 No.

01:42:13.000 Yeah, we lost so many in our fraternity that at one point the therapist came and was like, you guys may not be being good friends to each other.

01:42:20.000 You guys are killing each other.

01:42:22.000 It was like a two year span.

01:42:25.000 The therapist blamed you guys?

01:42:26.000 We brought in a therapist to talk about, to explain loss.

01:42:31.000 At a certain point, after the second suicide, I think.

01:42:34.000 How many years of this?

01:42:35.000 Probably two years.

01:42:36.000 In two years you had four suicides.

01:42:38.000 Two years, three years maybe?

01:42:39.000 Yeah.

01:42:39.000 Whoa.

01:42:40.000 So more than one a year.

01:42:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:42.000 We had one in the spring and one in the summer. 0.99

01:42:45.000 Goddamn. 0.98

01:42:45.000 And then we, you know, and so we brought a therapist in because we're like, all right, is there something going on in this room? 0.98

01:42:52.000 Because we're all killing ourselves.

01:42:53.000 Haunted room, maybe.

01:42:54.000 Haunted room. 1.00

01:42:55.000 It would have been a lot sexier than just a bunch of fucking homophobic dicks. 1.00

01:43:01.000 Alcoholics. 1.00

01:43:02.000 Homophobic racist assholes. 1.00

01:43:03.000 Drink themselves into depression and then blow their brains out. 1.00

01:43:06.000 With drug problems.

01:43:07.000 It had no barriers.

01:43:09.000 How were these guys icing themselves?

01:43:11.000 By two guns.

01:43:13.000 One drugs, one hanging.

01:43:15.000 There was a dude who was one of the writers of news radio who was a good friend.

01:43:18.000 He was a really good guy.

01:43:19.000 I really enjoyed talking to him.

01:43:21.000 He was a comic before the news radio days.

01:43:23.000 His name is Drake Sather.

01:43:24.000 It was a funny comic.

01:43:25.000 He'd been on MTV. I know that name.

01:43:27.000 He was a writer on news radio and he wrote this thing.

01:43:30.000 If you've ever seen that video of me, it was like the VH1 Fashion Awards from 1997. I played this crazy photographer that didn't know anything about photography.

01:43:38.000 I was just in photography to get laid. 0.61

01:43:40.000 Sweet. 1.00

01:43:41.000 You show your butt. 1.00

01:43:42.000 Nice butt. 1.00

01:43:42.000 I was naked. 1.00

01:43:43.000 I was naked in front of this model. 0.51

01:43:46.000 The question was, I say, do you have any problem?

01:43:49.000 I'm going over her portfolio and I'm like, you're very beautiful.

01:43:52.000 This is excellent stuff.

01:43:52.000 Do you have any problem with nudity?

01:43:54.000 She goes, no, no, I don't.

01:43:55.000 Next picture is me naked taking her picture.

01:43:59.000 It's like Bruce something fashion photographer.

01:44:01.000 Bruce Testoni.

01:44:02.000 Yeah.

01:44:06.000 It's so funny.

01:44:07.000 It was written by Drake, and Drake killed himself.

01:44:10.000 Was he a Texas comic?

01:44:12.000 He was a Boston comic.

01:44:13.000 Well, I don't know where he started, but I met him in Boston way back in the day.

01:44:19.000 He might have been from Texas originally.

01:44:23.000 When I was in 1988, when I was starting out, he was in Boston.

01:44:26.000 He was doing stand-up there, and he was more established than me.

01:44:29.000 He was like a couple years ahead of me.

01:44:31.000 And somewhere along the line, he stopped doing stand-up, and he had a family and the whole deal, and one day, I don't know what happened, man.

01:44:37.000 Some breakup, and I don't know.

01:44:39.000 I don't know what happened, but he killed himself while he was on the phone, apparently, with his wife. 0.99

01:44:44.000 And that fucked me up, man. 0.99

01:44:46.000 That one fucked me up. 0.99

01:44:48.000 That was hard to take. 0.93

01:44:49.000 Because I'd been over their house, and they had a party, and I got to meet everybody, and it was fun, and it was...

01:44:55.000 Harlan Williams was there, so I associated that party, and being over their house was like, it's fun...

01:45:00.000 Friendly time and just to think that that guy could go from that moment where we're drinking wine and everyone's laughing and, you know, it's having good times and good friends and then so dark that he wants to end it. 0.88

01:45:13.000 So fucking funny too, man.

01:45:16.000 Such a good writer. 0.96

01:45:17.000 Such a clever guy.

01:45:19.000 That this guy could be so haunted that the lows were too low.

01:45:23.000 That he was like, I can't do this.

01:45:26.000 I can't cope with this frequency.

01:45:28.000 And he just...

01:45:29.000 Boom! 0.99

01:45:30.000 I mean, Ari was almost there, you know, a few years ago, you know, and now it's...

01:45:36.000 I was talking to him about this the other day, how he's changed.

01:45:39.000 So he has a billboard in front of his old apartment now, of his own face.

01:45:45.000 Yeah, we're going to do a podcast about it.

01:45:47.000 But Ari was, yeah, he was very, very down.

01:45:49.000 Very down.

01:45:51.000 And a lot of it was, like, physical.

01:45:54.000 A lot of it was career-related.

01:45:55.000 He thinks a lot of it might have had to do with him taking Propecia.

01:45:59.000 In some people, Propecia causes depression.

01:46:03.000 Because Propecia, if you read the literature on what it does, it inhibits dihydrotestosterone, which is DHT, which is an essential part of being a human being.

01:46:16.000 But that DHT is what causes your hair to fall out.

01:46:19.000 And it affects people in different ways.

01:46:22.000 Some people, it kills their boners.

01:46:24.000 Me, it killed my boners.

01:46:26.000 And I didn't realize until I got off of it. 0.99

01:46:28.000 I ran out of it, and then all of a sudden my dick was hard as a rock. 1.00

01:46:31.000 I was like, what is going on with my dick? 1.00

01:46:32.000 Did it help with your hair though? 1.00

01:46:34.000 Yes.

01:46:35.000 Yes, it keeps your hair.

01:46:36.000 And as soon as I got off of it, and as soon as I got off Rogaine too, when I decided to shake my head, I bailed on everything.

01:46:41.000 Because I was losing the battle anyway. 0.98

01:46:42.000 And I was like, I am going to have to abandon this fucking dam and run from the river. 0.99

01:46:47.000 Because I can't hold it back anymore. 0.99

01:46:48.000 I've been on Rogaine for like fucking 22 years. 0.98

01:46:51.000 It'll keep your hair. 0.99

01:46:52.000 It holds on to your hair. 1.00

01:46:54.000 But as soon as you get off of that shit, like fire through bushes, baby. 1.00

01:46:54.000 It holds on to your hair. 1.00

01:46:59.000 Like if I grew my hair out now, you'd be like, oh my god, dude, you're bald as fuck. 1.00

01:47:03.000 Like for three years I've been shaving my head. 0.99

01:47:05.000 You and I had the exact same hair loss when I met you.

01:47:07.000 Because you both used the sprinkle stuff.

01:47:10.000 And the Propecia and the...

01:47:13.000 What's the other stuff?

01:47:14.000 Oh, I found the stuff that you get online that was this pump that was...

01:47:20.000 It was like eslaic acid and retin-A and minoxidil. 1.00

01:47:26.000 And this company had the shit. 1.00

01:47:27.000 This was the shit. 1.00

01:47:28.000 This stuff kept your hair. 1.00

01:47:30.000 But for whatever reason, it wasn't approved by the FDA. Yeah.

01:47:35.000 And so the FDA came along and they shut them down, but like I knew a bunch of dudes that were taking this stuff, it had retin-A in it, make your hair red, like your scalp red if you spray too much of it in, but the effect was pretty dramatic, like it really kept all of your hair.

01:47:50.000 And when that stuff went away, I took a hit.

01:47:52.000 When I got off the You can see like if you watch like episodes of the UFC you could see like we start seeing hair like light through my hair It's like it's going baby and then finally I had to let it go, but I should have let it go a long time ago I love having a shaved head.

01:48:10.000 I wish I could get there You can do it right now.

01:48:12.000 I'm still holding on, Joe. 0.98

01:48:13.000 I'll fucking help you. 0.99

01:48:14.000 I'll tell you what. 0.99

01:48:15.000 Anyone send this to Rogaine.

01:48:16.000 I will do a million dollars commercial.

01:48:19.000 Why don't they give you a million dollars?

01:48:21.000 I'll keep my head for a million like you're holding them hostage.

01:48:24.000 No, I'll do the opposite.

01:48:25.000 I will time lapse, stop using Rogaine, and just watch my hair fall out.

01:48:30.000 That's a great idea.

01:48:31.000 And then you say to all these young kids, hey, you want to keep your hair? 1.00

01:48:33.000 Get on this shit right now. 1.00

01:48:35.000 Because I'm 42. I should arguably be bald as fuck right now. 1.00

01:48:39.000 I've been holding on his hair just with Rogaine since I was 22. I said this weekend, tell me if you agree with this, and it's a little bit of a stretch of a thought. 0.99

01:48:48.000 Men who lose their hair at a young age, they start losing your hair. 0.81

01:48:52.000 That is the first signpost for mortality in a person. 0.99

01:48:56.000 Like, you witness your mortality at a young age when you realize, fuck, I'm actually losing my hair. 0.93

01:49:02.000 It didn't seem mortality to me. 0.98

01:49:04.000 It seemed more like you couldn't control something.

01:49:07.000 It's like going away from you, and it's something that makes you look better.

01:49:10.000 It was really confusing.

01:49:11.000 For a lot of men, it's very confusing.

01:49:14.000 It freaked me out bad. 0.97

01:49:16.000 We should shave your head, though. 0.88

01:49:17.000 That's the beautiful thing about it. 0.98

01:49:18.000 The solution of shaving your head is always there.

01:49:20.000 And once you do it, you go, oh, yeah. 0.99

01:49:23.000 What am I clinging to fucking hair for? 0.99

01:49:26.000 I may shave it and then stay on Rogaine, though. 1.00

01:49:28.000 I wish I shaved it when I was in my 20s instead of going through hair transplants, all that stupid shit. 1.00

01:49:33.000 I should have just shaved it. 1.00

01:49:34.000 I would definitely do that again.

01:49:36.000 If I went back, I would definitely do that differently.

01:49:39.000 No, if they said that there was a pill that could grow a full 18-year-old head of hair for you.

01:49:44.000 I don't want any more hair.

01:49:45.000 I'm good. 0.98

01:49:46.000 Yeah, like right now, who the fuck knows what else that pill's going to do to you? 0.99

01:49:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:50.000 Like, if I just shaved my head, I'm very happy with it.

01:49:52.000 Look, I could be born in Ethiopia.

01:49:55.000 You know, I could have been an Eskimo.

01:49:58.000 Not that there's anything wrong with an Eskimo, all due respect.

01:50:00.000 I don't even think you're supposed to say Eskimo.

01:50:03.000 I think you're supposed to... 1.00

01:50:08.000 Shit out in an igloo. 1.00

01:50:09.000 Some gigantic walrus vagina. 1.00

01:50:14.000 I could have red hair. 0.99

01:50:15.000 No offense, Bill Burr.

01:50:16.000 Yeah, no offense, Bill Burr.

01:50:18.000 I could have had red hair.

01:50:19.000 Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of things that could have been way... 0.98

01:50:22.000 Like, you gotta deal with the hand you've been given, you ain't gonna change it, and take that hand and fucking run with it, man. 0.89

01:50:28.000 And sometimes the hand looks just devastating. 0.99

01:50:30.000 Sometimes you've got two fucking twos. 0.98

01:50:33.000 And you're like, this is it? 0.99

01:50:34.000 I got a two and a three. 1.00

01:50:36.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:50:37.000 This is nothing! 1.00

01:50:38.000 This hand's dogshit! 1.00

01:50:39.000 And then you're going down the street to the guy who's a soap opera Fabio-looking motherfucker with the long hair, like, this guy's got all the fucking cards! 1.00

01:50:45.000 This cunt! 1.00

01:50:46.000 He's got a 52-deck card! 1.00

01:50:48.000 I got two cards!

01:50:50.000 It's amazing how you see that in people sometimes. 0.99

01:50:52.000 You go, God, that guy's got fucking everything, and then you realize they got fucking nothing. 0.98

01:50:55.000 Well, it's not true though, you know, it's like the thing about human beings is like what what what are you? 0.99

01:51:01.000 You're not just how you look The problem is with a lot of people you gauge how you look based on how sexually desirable you are That's that's the real issue with people you see it with a lot of people as they get older They start freaking out and there's fucking photos of Mickey Rourke now Mickey Rourke was at the UFC this weekend. 0.88

01:51:18.000 It's like Somebody talk to that guy. 0.94

01:51:20.000 He's got fake hair and fake lips and something's going on with his face and it's like, God, give him a hug. 0.99

01:51:28.000 You know, he's fucking Mickey Rourke. 0.98

01:51:29.000 Does he know he's Mickey Rourke? 0.99

01:51:31.000 Does he think it looks...

01:51:32.000 I mean, Mickey Rourke is amazing.

01:51:34.000 I would love to drink with Mickey Rourke.

01:51:36.000 No, you don't.

01:51:37.000 Jesus Christ.

01:51:38.000 It would be nothing about old boxing stories. 0.99

01:51:40.000 I've never been any good for the first fucking hour. 0.99

01:51:43.000 Dude, he's fighting fake boxing matches. 0.99

01:51:46.000 You see, he's 62 years old.

01:51:48.000 He fought some guy in a boxing match.

01:51:49.000 It was a total dive.

01:51:50.000 The guy never punched him in the face once.

01:51:52.000 He hit the guy with a weak punch in the body and the guy went down like someone stole his liver. 0.99

01:51:57.000 It was ridiculous. 1.00

01:51:58.000 It was so dumb. 1.00

01:52:00.000 It's so pathetic. 1.00

01:52:01.000 This is the guy from Nine and a Half Weeks. 0.99

01:52:03.000 This is the guy from Angel Heart. 0.99

01:52:05.000 This is Mickey motherfucking Rourke from Diner. 0.89

01:52:07.000 Is there anything about you that you don't like that you'd like to change? 0.96

01:52:10.000 No, but for what, man?

01:52:11.000 You deal with all the perspective.

01:52:13.000 Deal with the perspective of who you are in comparison to who you could have been.

01:52:16.000 You can be born in Ethiopia with no feet. 1.00

01:52:18.000 My nose is too wide at the top.

01:52:21.000 There's a part of my nose that gets kind of weird right here.

01:52:24.000 Just smooth that out and be good.

01:52:25.000 You're not going to be good.

01:52:26.000 You're going to start tweaking out about other things.

01:52:27.000 There's people that get their shins broken and separated slowly with these devices that make them inches taller.

01:52:34.000 In China, it's a big deal. 0.99

01:52:36.000 There's a lot of guys in China that they feel like they can't get a woman because they're below five feet tall, and so they're slowly but surely stretching the fucking bones of their legs out. 0.95

01:52:45.000 They have these bolts that are attached to their bone, and they crank it, and they saw it, and they slowly separate it. 0.94

01:52:53.000 So it grows a little bit, and then they separate it more, and it grows a little bit, and they separate it more, and the bone keeps filling in. 0.99

01:53:00.000 It's fucking madness. 0.96

01:53:01.000 The mechanics of your body are all out of whack because you've got a seven foot long shin bone. 1.00

01:53:06.000 The whole thing is madness. 0.95

01:53:08.000 People are crazy.

01:53:09.000 I think health and well-being is good.

01:53:12.000 Maintaining vitality is good.

01:53:13.000 But you've got to also have perspective.

01:53:15.000 Perspective is big.

01:53:17.000 And sometimes people, they just get mad because they don't look like Lorenzo Lamas in his prime.

01:53:21.000 They get mad because they're born...

01:53:24.000 You know, fill in the blank.

01:53:25.000 I wish I was Filipino and I'm Thai.

01:53:27.000 I wish I was black and I'm Asian. 0.99

01:53:28.000 I wish I was Asian and I'm fucking Portuguese. 0.99

01:53:31.000 People have weird things in their head where they want to be something other than what they are. 0.96

01:53:36.000 And right now that's unavailable. 0.80

01:53:38.000 So you're losing resources in your 90-whatever-the-fuck-it-is-year ride on this globe.

01:53:44.000 You have a 90-year ride, allegedly, and also the bleeper of Kreischer, where you just die and you keep going and everybody else thinks you're dead, but you're on another plane of existence. 0.76

01:53:53.000 Which is possible.

01:53:54.000 I totally believe that too.

01:53:56.000 Of course you do.

01:53:57.000 You two get together and write a book.

01:53:59.000 It'll be awesome.

01:54:01.000 We're Team White Gold, right?

01:54:02.000 We're Team White Gold.

01:54:03.000 What does that mean?

01:54:04.000 I saw some article about you.

01:54:06.000 Is that what you're talking about?

01:54:08.000 No, I'm talking about the dress.

01:54:09.000 Oh, no.

01:54:10.000 I saw an article that made me think about you.

01:54:13.000 It was about the White City, the monkey god. 0.98

01:54:16.000 The place they just found.

01:54:17.000 Yeah, and I saw it and I thought I saw the thing and it looked like a shirt of yours So I tweeted it. 0.65

01:54:22.000 That's that's crazy, man They found this hidden city in Honduras that was legendary up until recently and they haven't even disclosed its origin But they brought back artifacts like this motherfucker is real like we found a hidden city in Honduras From a long time ago where it's gone. 0.98

01:54:40.000 There's nothing but relics and shit I just think that's so fucking cool. 0.99

01:54:46.000 It's so cool that they keep finding shit like that in the Amazon, too. 0.99

01:54:50.000 They have these, like, satellite images, and they go, wait, what is that? 0.98

01:54:52.000 They go, look at the shape of this.

01:54:53.000 This is symmetrical.

01:54:55.000 And they realize, like, oh my god, that's a canal system.

01:54:57.000 Oh my god, this is a fake. 0.99

01:54:58.000 This is a fucking city that got swallowed by the jungle. 1.00

01:55:01.000 They have hills that they thought it was just a hill, and they realize it's a building. 1.00

01:55:05.000 Like, there's some structure underneath this hill, and the dirt literally grew over it, and trees grew on the dirt.

01:55:11.000 So there's this mound in the middle of nowhere, and you walk up to it, and you're like, what's going on here? 0.99

01:55:15.000 And archaeologists start digging, and they go, oh, this is a fucking building, man. 1.00

01:55:19.000 Like, shit got swallowed up. 0.99

01:55:21.000 Well, there's a type of, I think it's called the Toltecs, that they don't even exactly know what they looked like. 1.00

01:55:21.000 Fucking insane. 1.00

01:55:28.000 They don't know where they came from. 0.99

01:55:29.000 They had very African-looking faces, and they lived thousands and thousands of years ago down in Mexico and South America. 0.99

01:55:38.000 They're like, okay, who the fuck are these people? 0.99

01:55:41.000 They don't know. 1.00

01:55:42.000 They have these giant heads.

01:55:44.000 Have you ever seen those Toltec heads?

01:55:45.000 No.

01:55:46.000 Jamie, pull up an image of one of the Toltec heads.

01:55:48.000 They find these enormous blocks of stone that are cut out to the shape of these African faces. 1.00

01:55:55.000 It's like Gradius heads.

01:55:58.000 They're real weird, man.

01:55:59.000 There's one over there, I think.

01:56:01.000 Isn't there one over there?

01:56:02.000 I don't know.

01:56:03.000 What are you looking for?

01:56:04.000 Nothing, nothing.

01:56:05.000 I'm not looking for anything.

01:56:06.000 Hashtrays don't exist in the world of the Travel Channel.

01:56:11.000 Jesus loves Tibet.

01:56:13.000 Is that the head you're talking about?

01:56:14.000 Because I was thinking about the other kind of heads.

01:56:16.000 No, that's a Toltec head.

01:56:18.000 Look at that.

01:56:18.000 That's an African-looking face, man.

01:56:20.000 You're talking about the Easter Island shit. 1.00

01:56:23.000 That's a different place. 1.00

01:56:24.000 This isn't Central America, man. 1.00

01:56:27.000 They find these fucking things. 0.99

01:56:28.000 They're like 600 tons or something crazy. 1.00

01:56:30.000 How big are those fuckers, Jamie? 1.00

01:56:32.000 Google how big those heads are. 1.00

01:56:33.000 I might have made up that weight.

01:56:36.000 But look what they look like. 0.99

01:56:37.000 They're fucking cool as shit. 1.00

01:56:39.000 That looks like an African. 1.00

01:56:40.000 Yeah, the lips.

01:56:41.000 Yeah, some of them are tossed over.

01:56:43.000 Some of them are...

01:56:44.000 Some of them are...

01:56:47.000 They're all different sizes and shapes.

01:56:50.000 Joe, I saw you tweet.

01:56:52.000 You just didn't even get into the whole dress thing that happened the other day.

01:56:56.000 The white, gold, blue, black thing. 0.99

01:56:58.000 I don't give a fuck about dresses. 0.99

01:57:00.000 No, no, no. 0.95

01:57:01.000 But do you understand what happened?

01:57:03.000 Of course.

01:57:04.000 Don't you think that's interesting?

01:57:04.000 I'm a grown man.

01:57:05.000 We could both look at the same picture and see two different colors.

01:57:08.000 Yeah, but why is that?

01:57:09.000 Explain it.

01:57:10.000 Here you go, Brian.

01:57:11.000 Supposedly, it's the cones in people's eyes.

01:57:13.000 My eyes are more oval than circles.

01:57:16.000 That's what the eye doctor used to always tell me.

01:57:18.000 You have more oval of an eye.

01:57:21.000 He's going under the table for the Trevor Channel.

01:57:23.000 Out of respect.

01:57:24.000 But I guess how the shape of your cones is.

01:57:27.000 And how you get light into your eyes.

01:57:30.000 But how come it looks different to different people?

01:57:33.000 Like sometimes it looks different to the same person.

01:57:36.000 Like you look at one image and it looks like white and gold.

01:57:38.000 Mine would look like white and gold.

01:57:40.000 And then like an hour later I'll look at it and be like, it's a completely different picture.

01:57:44.000 And I would freak out.

01:57:44.000 I'm like, where's the picture I was just looking at?

01:57:46.000 So I can switch back and forth.

01:57:48.000 Where I know people that can't switch or people that only see blue and black, white or gold.

01:57:53.000 That's nothing compared to what Phil Plait made for Slate.

01:57:57.000 Pull up Phil Plait, Slate.

01:58:00.000 It's like those dinosaurs.

01:58:01.000 Slate Magazine.

01:58:02.000 No, hold on a second.

01:58:03.000 Slate Online.

01:58:06.000 Color.

01:58:06.000 What would you say?

01:58:07.000 Color Confusion.

01:58:09.000 What would you say?

01:58:10.000 Color Confusion.

01:58:12.000 Illusion.

01:58:13.000 Optical illusion.

01:58:14.000 Color optical illusion.

01:58:15.000 That's what you said.

01:58:15.000 Also, pull up the dress.

01:58:16.000 Look at this.

01:58:17.000 This is way crazier.

01:58:17.000 Look at this one.

01:58:19.000 You see those blues and those greens?

01:58:21.000 It's the same color.

01:58:21.000 Right.

01:58:22.000 The exact same color.

01:58:23.000 No, it's not.

01:58:24.000 When you look at it in Photoshop, you realize it's the exact same color.

01:58:24.000 Yes, it is.

01:58:27.000 It's the green.

01:58:29.000 Scroll down.

01:58:29.000 Scroll back, Jamie.

01:58:31.000 When you look at it, the green has the orange go through it, but the blue doesn't.

01:58:37.000 The blue, the orange turns into purple.

01:58:39.000 And that confuses your eyes.

01:58:41.000 Totally.

01:58:41.000 If you go up close, it's the exact same color.

01:58:43.000 Hey, Jamie, do you have the picture of the dress, though?

01:58:45.000 I want to see what you guys actually see on the dress.

01:58:48.000 But look at that image.

01:58:50.000 You see how it is when you get it close up?

01:58:52.000 That green is across the board.

01:58:52.000 Right.

01:58:54.000 I mean, how trippy is that, Bert?

01:58:56.000 Bert can't deal.

01:58:57.000 Look at him.

01:58:58.000 Making me freak out.

01:58:58.000 He's freaking out.

01:58:59.000 What's weird about the dress is that people were saying it's blue and black and I put it in the Photoshop.

01:59:05.000 I mean, I spent like three hours on this.

01:59:06.000 Me and Asa Akira were going back and forth like we're going to start our own communion somewhere and don't trust blue and black people and stuff. 1.00

01:59:13.000 But I took it...

01:59:14.000 What do you see when you see that?

01:59:16.000 Right now I see white and gold.

01:59:17.000 I see white and gold.

01:59:17.000 Whoa.

01:59:18.000 You guys are both retarded. 1.00

01:59:19.000 No, I see white and gold. 1.00

01:59:20.000 Do you have the dress picture? 1.00

01:59:21.000 That shit's blue and black, son. 1.00

01:59:22.000 That's not blue and black, Joe. 1.00

01:59:23.000 That's white and gold. 1.00

01:59:24.000 You got an issue with your brain. 0.98

01:59:26.000 Am I right, Jamie? 0.99

01:59:26.000 Right? 0.99

01:59:27.000 Yeah.

01:59:28.000 Yeah, see the two sensible people in this room.

01:59:30.000 See black and gold.

01:59:31.000 You see blue and black?

01:59:33.000 Yes.

01:59:34.000 It's a blue and black dress.

01:59:35.000 You're refusing to acknowledge that.

01:59:37.000 Yeah.

01:59:38.000 No, no, no, no.

01:59:39.000 Jamie, you're completely missing the point here.

01:59:42.000 The actual dress is blue and black.

01:59:43.000 I actually have it on my phone.

01:59:44.000 This is what you're seeing right now.

01:59:46.000 This is not what me and you are seeing.

01:59:49.000 He's starting to stumble.

01:59:50.000 He's getting very excited and emotional.

01:59:51.000 That's not what me and Brian, that's not what I see.

01:59:53.000 No, no, this is not what I see right now either.

01:59:55.000 But this is what they're seeing.

01:59:58.000 That was the actual dress that they have. 0.76

02:00:03.000 You see blue and black right there, Joe.

02:00:05.000 Well, it's a light blue.

02:00:07.000 It's a very, very light blue.

02:00:08.000 But there's no black. 1.00

02:00:09.000 And the black is like a gold, for sure.

02:00:13.000 That does not look black.

02:00:13.000 No, no.

02:00:14.000 No, I see white and gold.

02:00:15.000 I see white and gold right there.

02:00:17.000 Well, it's not white, because if you look at the white beside it, the reason why you can make out the outline is because beside it is an absence of light, which we think of as white.

02:00:24.000 No, no, but if you look at that, you would say, hey, that's a white and gold dress, but in a shadow or something, like kind of a light.

02:00:30.000 No, I would say it's a light blue and almost like a brownish goldish.

02:00:35.000 Like a dark gold.

02:00:35.000 Okay, yeah.

02:00:36.000 Yeah, so you're seeing white and gold.

02:00:38.000 You're not seeing this.

02:00:39.000 No, no, I'm seeing light blue.

02:00:40.000 I'm seeing blue.

02:00:42.000 I'm seeing blue and I'm seeing this gold is like a dark gold, almost like a brown.

02:00:49.000 A mustard.

02:00:50.000 No.

02:00:51.000 Kind of.

02:00:52.000 It's darker than mustard.

02:00:53.000 So you are actually seeing what people are saying as the white and gold.

02:00:53.000 It's darker than mustard.

02:00:58.000 Yeah, but it's not really white and gold.

02:01:00.000 It's definitely blue.

02:01:00.000 It's blue.

02:01:01.000 Light sky blue and a brown.

02:01:03.000 Yeah, it's like the blue is difficult to describe.

02:01:06.000 But you're not seeing this.

02:01:07.000 No.

02:01:08.000 So you actually are seeing what me and Bert are seeing and Jamie's seeing this.

02:01:13.000 Is that what you're seeing, Jamie?

02:01:15.000 No.

02:01:16.000 I don't see that.

02:01:17.000 I know that that's what it is.

02:01:18.000 This is a goofy argument because the contrast is very different.

02:01:21.000 Like, what you're looking at there, the contrast between that color and the white behind it is very different than what you're looking at there.

02:01:29.000 This is a different image, and because it's a different image shot in different light, you have a different perspective.

02:01:35.000 No, what I'm saying is, though, there's two different ways people are seeing it.

02:01:38.000 You are seeing it, the white and...

02:01:39.000 What they're saying is the white and gold side.

02:01:41.000 I'm sure.

02:01:42.000 Because I can see both.

02:01:42.000 100%.

02:01:43.000 No, I see both.

02:01:43.000 Some people think it's white.

02:01:44.000 I see white and gold right now.

02:01:45.000 I don't see anything other than white and gold.

02:01:46.000 It doesn't look white.

02:01:47.000 It doesn't look blue to you?

02:01:48.000 Not at all.

02:01:49.000 Not in the slightest.

02:01:50.000 Now, can we just cut to the chase and why is it that I see this?

02:01:53.000 It's because of how your eye is shaped in the cones and how your eyes precipitate colors and stuff like that.

02:01:58.000 You can actually look...

02:01:59.000 Your eyes rain colors?

02:01:59.000 Precipitate?

02:02:00.000 Yeah.

02:02:01.000 Perceive.

02:02:02.000 You're 40. But, uh...

02:02:05.000 I love you, Brian.

02:02:07.000 The way you precipitate.

02:02:09.000 The way you precipitate.

02:02:11.000 You precipitate on the cones.

02:02:14.000 Pretty much the easy way is how your eyes take shadows and your brain goes, alright, that shadow's purple or blue.

02:02:22.000 But you can watch, if you look at this, I keep it on my phone, if you look at it once an hour, it will change throughout the day.

02:02:28.000 I see white and gold. 1.00

02:02:29.000 That shit's blue for life, son. 1.00

02:02:31.000 But here's the thing that makes it more important, Joe, is what else are me and you seeing different than that person? 1.00

02:02:37.000 Like, if I'm looking at a face, I'm seeing this face that's beautiful, and that person's seeing a guy.

02:02:42.000 Yeah, well, some people are colorblind, man.

02:02:44.000 That's a fact.

02:02:45.000 Some people don't see certain colors.

02:02:47.000 They just don't see them.

02:02:48.000 I see, I thought you were talking about, never mind, I was on the, I think socially I see things that other people don't see.

02:02:54.000 Like I saw today, I was jogging in the park next to our house, and these two girls, a cop pulls up in the middle of the park, pulls these two girls that are sitting, the young ladies that are sitting on a park bench, We're good to go.

02:03:23.000 That they weren't crying.

02:03:24.000 And I didn't see that as how sad.

02:03:27.000 I saw that as someone needs to step in and fix these girls. 1.00

02:03:29.000 Because if they've gotten handcuffed and thrown in the back of the car, and they're not crying, then there's something wrong with this picture.

02:03:35.000 Like, there's clearly something wrong.

02:03:37.000 These girls need a life lesson to change them. 1.00

02:03:39.000 Because if you cuffed me in 10th grade, I probably would have started tearing up and freaking out.

02:03:44.000 And they just cuffed him, and then this guy that was smoking a cigarette walking his dog, and now I'm trying to...

02:03:49.000 I got my head buds out, so I'm trying to hear what the cops are saying, and we're walking right by him.

02:03:53.000 He said, how sad.

02:03:55.000 And I didn't see it as how sad.

02:03:56.000 I went...

02:03:56.000 I was like, no, these little girls have a problem.

02:03:59.000 But that's so interesting, the way you see social...

02:04:02.000 Like, social things you'll see differently, too, and I don't know if it has to do with the way you're brought up or the things that have gone through your life, but the black and blue dress, you know.

02:04:11.000 Here's an interesting way to show that we're all looking at the dress the wrong way.

02:04:15.000 If you take the picture of the dress on your laptop, go into your preferences, and invert your screen, so what it does is it reverses the colors.

02:04:24.000 It stays exactly the same if you see it white and gold.

02:04:27.000 It's not supposed to stay the same, obviously.

02:04:28.000 It's supposed to change to a different color.

02:04:31.000 So, yeah, it's a trip.

02:04:34.000 I made a video, if you look on my Instagram, where I show it, where I reverse my colors on my computer, and it stays exactly the same if you go to Instagram.com slash redband.

02:04:43.000 That's fascinating.

02:04:44.000 Yeah, Jamie, you can pull that out.

02:04:46.000 It's pretty cool.

02:04:46.000 Perception is a weird thing.

02:04:48.000 We just guess that we're seeing the same things.

02:04:48.000 It's very weird.

02:04:51.000 Exactly.

02:04:52.000 But there's some dudes that are into, like, really weird chicks, you know, and you go, what is that guy seeing?

02:04:57.000 My overall three on this whole thing, though, is that time travel was created that day because that day started off the llamas, the black and white llama, Do you remember that?

02:05:09.000 There was a police chase in Arizona.

02:05:11.000 I heard about that.

02:05:12.000 And it was seriously, everybody was talking about it on Twitter.

02:05:14.000 Every TV channel was on TV. And it was just a police chase of trying to capture a black and white llama.

02:05:21.000 And they ended up capturing the white llama or something like that, the black llama.

02:05:26.000 It was like a race thing type thing.

02:05:28.000 I didn't hear about this at all.

02:05:30.000 Brian will never sell anyone on crime travel.

02:05:32.000 So here's the dress.

02:05:32.000 Check this out.

02:05:35.000 So that's not what I'm talking about, but this shows how it changes colors if it goes into a shadow.

02:05:42.000 What?

02:05:43.000 Yeah, what I posted...

02:05:45.000 Oh, that is weird.

02:05:46.000 I do see that when you pull it back, it does...

02:05:48.000 So it goes into a shadow, it changes color?

02:05:50.000 Exactly, because your eyes are now going in, you know, it's...

02:05:54.000 The light, just the light changing makes it change colors?

02:05:57.000 Yes.

02:05:58.000 Okay, now I can finally see.

02:05:59.000 Jamie's a photographer.

02:06:00.000 Jamie, explain this.

02:06:01.000 Black doesn't absorb light, it reflects it. 0.99

02:06:04.000 And this is a, it's like a yellow shitty lamp, and it's a shitty camera. 0.98

02:06:08.000 And it's bouncing it off, and as soon as you move away from it, the exposure changes, the autofocus changes. 0.97

02:06:13.000 Wait, Brian, you went out and bought a dress.

02:06:15.000 Hold on, let him explain this.

02:06:16.000 So let him explain this.

02:06:17.000 There's a lot of things at play here, and people are just ignoring facts.

02:06:20.000 I think there's trolls also playing into this white and gold thing.

02:06:23.000 What are you talking about, Jamie?

02:06:25.000 There's no troll.

02:06:26.000 Let him talk.

02:06:26.000 I want to hear this.

02:06:27.000 I've been paying attention to it the whole time.

02:06:30.000 For instance, the black and gold right there, watch it fading away.

02:06:33.000 I'm holding, like, light is now in a shadow.

02:06:35.000 It's not a shadow.

02:06:36.000 Hey, by the way, I don't know why you're showing this video, because I'm not even talking about this video.

02:06:39.000 It has nothing to do with that.

02:06:40.000 It's not even the same dress.

02:06:42.000 He's explaining what this effect is.

02:06:42.000 Hold on, dude.

02:06:44.000 Let him talk.

02:06:46.000 This is my opinion, I suppose I would say.

02:06:48.000 What is happening here is I know this is a black and blue dress.

02:06:53.000 And when I'm seeing it, I'm going to go ahead and say, yeah, I know that there's also light here affecting the way I'm seeing the black and blue dress.

02:07:01.000 And it's making other people see gold.

02:07:05.000 All right, this is the video I'm talking about.

02:07:06.000 Let him explain.

02:07:08.000 So why is that?

02:07:10.000 I think it's a difference of people saying what they see and what they know they're seeing.

02:07:14.000 And it's just like an optical illusion.

02:07:15.000 Remember the two faces make a vase?

02:07:17.000 I see two faces, but someone else can see a vase.

02:07:21.000 You've never seen the blue and black though, right?

02:07:24.000 I can see both of them and I also don't think it matters.

02:07:27.000 This is an optical illusion.

02:07:29.000 Here's what I'm talking about.

02:07:30.000 Here's proof that we're seeing it wrong.

02:07:32.000 Go to this video where I open it up in Photoshop and I invert the colors of the screen.

02:07:38.000 When you invert a color to the opposite, it should change, right?

02:07:42.000 Is that in your Instagram?

02:07:44.000 I don't know.

02:07:45.000 Go to his Instagram.

02:07:46.000 It's on my Twitter.

02:07:47.000 It's in your Twitter?

02:07:48.000 Yeah.

02:07:49.000 It's fascinating, man.

02:07:50.000 It's hard for me to believe that that's the same thing.

02:07:53.000 It's weird as it moves away.

02:07:54.000 Well, what's confusing is that in...

02:07:56.000 I understand what as it moves away and absorbs lights and reflects light, but what I'm confused at is that when I see that one picture, you see it differently.

02:08:05.000 If we had changed sides, Jamie, and the lighting was different, would I see it the same way Joe sees it?

02:08:10.000 No, because you're looking at an image.

02:08:11.000 So it's just our cones are shaped differently, so I pick up different amount of light than you do.

02:08:16.000 So what were you seeing when that thing started out?

02:08:17.000 White and gold.

02:08:18.000 I saw that too.

02:08:19.000 I see white and gold.

02:08:20.000 I saw white and gold too.

02:08:21.000 As it pulls away, do you still see white and gold?

02:08:22.000 When it pulls away, I see blue and black.

02:08:24.000 Okay, me too.

02:08:25.000 And then, oddly enough, as it pulls closer, as they do that again, now I see what you're talking about when you go light blue and brown.

02:08:31.000 Or mustard.

02:08:33.000 Now I see it.

02:08:33.000 This is a way more radical change than the other one.

02:08:36.000 The other one, that other image was like, I mean, I kind of see, it's like a very light, like, we've all taken pictures before with, like, weird lighting on a digital camera, and you're like, oh, this is weird.

02:08:47.000 This doesn't look like what it really looked like in real life.

02:08:49.000 Because the colors are all off, for whatever reason.

02:08:52.000 Something's too bright, like a flash is too strong.

02:08:54.000 Before you play this, let me explain something real quick.

02:08:56.000 This is where I actually take this into Photoshop, and I use this thing called a color picker, where it picks the color and it shows you what the color is.

02:09:04.000 So what I was clicking on, which looked to me immediately gold or yellow, it was doing brown, dark brown, almost black.

02:09:12.000 And then when I did it to what I thought was white, it was doing it to a blue.

02:09:16.000 So then I decided to reverse, invert all the screens of the colors and watch how the pictures stay exactly the same.

02:09:24.000 I don't disagree with what you're saying here, but it's also a JPEG, and there's not all the data in there.

02:09:29.000 It's a compressed file.

02:09:30.000 It's not real-life color.

02:09:31.000 But when you reverse colors, it will change color, right?

02:09:35.000 Well, let's see.

02:09:36.000 Let's see what happens.

02:09:37.000 See?

02:09:38.000 That looks the same to you?

02:09:40.000 No, it's the same color is what I'm saying.

02:09:41.000 It's white and gold.

02:09:43.000 What?

02:09:44.000 Right now, that's kind of a golden white right now.

02:09:46.000 No.

02:09:47.000 I see you're seeing something completely different.

02:09:48.000 I see totally blue and black.

02:09:51.000 You see right there, right there.

02:09:51.000 You do?

02:09:52.000 Right there, frozen screen dress.

02:09:54.000 Yes, that's white and gold to me.

02:09:56.000 Wow. 0.99

02:09:58.000 That's fucking weird. 1.00

02:10:00.000 Technically, Joe, I think you know that it's black, so you're saying it's black. 1.00

02:10:04.000 No, he's seeing completely different.

02:10:06.000 No, I'm seeing, first of all, the really important one is blue.

02:10:10.000 The blue is undeniable to me.

02:10:11.000 The other one that we're calling black, to me, it's not gold.

02:10:18.000 It's way darker than gold.

02:10:19.000 But it's not black of space.

02:10:22.000 It's more like a dark, dark bronze looking sort of a thing.

02:10:27.000 But it's not black or gold.

02:10:28.000 It's sort of disingenuous.

02:10:30.000 Yes, it's like a creepy black. 0.98

02:10:32.000 Yeah, the only way it could be black is if it's black that's super overexposed. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Right.

02:10:38.000 But if you look at it in a more blurry way, like that image behind you, here's what's interesting, that image behind you on this different television, look behind you over your left shoulder, that looks different than that.

02:10:50.000 That looks way more black. 0.99

02:10:52.000 The one behind you on a totally different television.

02:10:56.000 I see no black, I see white and gold.

02:10:57.000 That's also a better TV that's got billions more colors than that TV probably has.

02:11:01.000 Wait a minute, isn't this the 4K TV? Yeah, this is the 4K TV. This is the one that has the most.

02:11:07.000 It has more resolution.

02:11:08.000 It might not have more colors available.

02:11:09.000 Oh, really?

02:11:10.000 Is that true?

02:11:11.000 Wow.

02:11:12.000 4K's lines of resolution.

02:11:13.000 Whatever it is, that one looks better.

02:11:15.000 Yes.

02:11:16.000 That looks way better than that one.

02:11:17.000 Both of them, I see white and gold right now.

02:11:17.000 I still see them.

02:11:19.000 You see a completely different thing.

02:11:20.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

02:11:21.000 When you're looking at these two screens, does one of them look clearer to you, more in focus?

02:11:25.000 This one right here looks brighter and nicer.

02:11:29.000 This one looks crisper.

02:11:30.000 This one looks kind of more like duller.

02:11:32.000 This looks like we're looking at the same dress through fog. 0.99

02:11:35.000 Boy, this podcast sucks a fat one for people that are just listening. 0.98

02:11:38.000 I don't want to stop it. 0.99

02:11:40.000 No, no, no.

02:11:40.000 It's terrible.

02:11:41.000 I don't want to stop it.

02:11:42.000 I don't want to stop it because it's interesting.

02:11:43.000 Because what you're saying, I think, is important because you understand it from the point of view of someone who understands perspective and photography.

02:11:51.000 I've seen this happen multiple times, the photos I've taken.

02:11:54.000 I can change...

02:11:56.000 Through white balance, I can change the way a whole photo looks.

02:11:58.000 Right.

02:11:59.000 From green to purple.

02:12:00.000 So you take a picture of Bernie Mac and Halle Berry together.

02:12:03.000 You can make them blend.

02:12:04.000 You're like, I see blue and black.

02:12:06.000 They've done that before.

02:12:07.000 Can I go outside and smoke a cigarette?

02:12:08.000 I can't deal with this.

02:12:09.000 You're totally not getting the point, Jamie.

02:12:12.000 I... Why are you getting upset?

02:12:14.000 Because you're talking about contrast and brightness, how you can change and make things look.

02:12:19.000 What I'm saying is me and Joe are looking at the exact same picture, and it looks exactly different.

02:12:24.000 Yeah, that's definitely a fact.

02:12:26.000 That seems to be going on other than what you're talking about.

02:12:28.000 I think we're dealing with two totally different issues.

02:12:30.000 First of all, we're dealing with the change of color, which was pretty drastic to me.

02:12:34.000 When I watched it go from white to gold to blue and black, I was like, wow, this is really weird.

02:12:40.000 Like, this is really weird.

02:12:41.000 Yeah.

02:12:42.000 But then we're dealing with a frozen image, and in that frozen image, we see a different thing.

02:12:47.000 We definitely see two different things.

02:12:47.000 Two exactly different things.

02:12:49.000 I think that blows me away a little bit.

02:12:51.000 Well, that makes yellow cars all of a sudden make sense now.

02:12:56.000 I was looking at a yellow car. 0.97

02:12:57.000 I was like, bitch, do you know there's a lot of other colors? 1.00

02:12:59.000 Why the fuck do you want a yellow Corvette? 1.00

02:13:01.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

02:13:02.000 He's like, it's mustard. 0.99

02:13:03.000 This is just a silly color to me.

02:13:04.000 This is like, oh, this one? 1.00

02:13:06.000 Why not black? 1.00

02:13:07.000 Black is like dope. 1.00

02:13:08.000 My heart pressure, my blood pressure has gone up. 0.98

02:13:10.000 If you watch the llama video, it brings it down and it makes you still think that time travel was created that day.

02:13:18.000 I'm not going to let you watch the llama video.

02:13:20.000 I haven't even seen a llama video.

02:13:21.000 It's just a llama getting away from police.

02:13:23.000 Is it as cool as the leopard? 1.00

02:13:25.000 It's not as cool as the leopard, gentlemen, because it's a fucking llama. 0.98

02:13:28.000 It's a black one and a white one, and there's people trying to trick it, walking next to it, like, hey, how's it going? 0.99

02:13:33.000 And then the llama's like... 0.99

02:13:34.000 Get the fuck away from me. 0.99

02:13:35.000 It's like police helicopters. 0.99

02:13:37.000 It's like news.

02:13:38.000 They're just trying not to kill it, right?

02:13:39.000 Trying to make it captured.

02:13:42.000 I knew a dude who had llamas.

02:13:43.000 Paul Barkley, the owner of the Comedy Connection in Boston, one of the original owners.

02:13:47.000 He also owned this club called The Rack.

02:13:50.000 He's a very successful club owner.

02:13:52.000 A club called The Rack.

02:13:53.000 Remember, Brian?

02:13:54.000 We played at that place.

02:13:55.000 It was the pool hall that was right next to the Faneuil Hall when we used to do the comedy connection down there.

02:14:00.000 Anyway, that dude owned llamas. 1.00

02:14:02.000 He had a fucking giant spread out in the Cape, and he had fucking llamas on his lawn and shit. 1.00

02:14:07.000 Yeah, you want the alpacas. 1.00

02:14:08.000 The alpacas are what you want.

02:14:09.000 And then you want one llama to be dominant. 1.00

02:14:11.000 I got exotic animals grazing on my fucking yard, bitch! 1.00

02:14:16.000 That's like the ultimate. 1.00

02:14:18.000 To have some crazy llamas in your front yard. 1.00

02:14:21.000 What does that smell?

02:14:21.000 Do you smell that?

02:14:22.000 My fucking neighbor's llamas. 1.00

02:14:23.000 No! 1.00

02:14:25.000 You live on a farm.

02:14:26.000 This guy's got llamas. 1.00

02:14:28.000 You've been to Solvang, right?

02:14:29.000 I have not been to Solvang.

02:14:31.000 Really?

02:14:31.000 I've driven through it.

02:14:32.000 I've not stopped.

02:14:33.000 They have this llama farm where you can just hang out with a shitload of llamas.

02:14:38.000 Dude, I entered.

02:14:39.000 I did an entire TV show about the Leaping Llama Festival.

02:14:44.000 You want to know the best part of it?

02:14:46.000 What?

02:14:47.000 The crux of the competition is how much you can adorn your llama with gear.

02:14:54.000 Like, put stuff on it, cover its eyes, and how you can control it.

02:14:57.000 And you've got to do a sketch.

02:14:59.000 So this is in front of the whole 4-H for all the high schools around, all the parents, all the kids.

02:15:04.000 I'm not producing, I'm just a host.

02:15:07.000 And I go, so what's me and the llama skit?

02:15:09.000 And they're like...

02:15:10.000 Rocky 3. I go, oh, it's my favorite Rocky.

02:15:13.000 Clubberland Rocky.

02:15:14.000 I go, I'm Rocky. 1.00

02:15:15.000 And they're like, fuck yeah. 1.00

02:15:16.000 You're going to come out. 1.00

02:15:17.000 The music will be playing.

02:15:18.000 Llama's going to look just like Mr. T. So we get out.

02:15:18.000 You get the llama.

02:15:22.000 I get it to the llama.

02:15:23.000 And it was a white llama.

02:15:25.000 So they had to put it in blackface.

02:15:27.000 So it had like red lips.

02:15:29.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:15:32.000 And they're like, well this part of the competition is to put shit on his face. 1.00

02:15:36.000 I go, yeah but it's racist! 1.00

02:15:37.000 It looks like a black face lava! 0.99

02:15:40.000 And I was supposed to go beat it up! 0.51

02:15:42.000 That's hilarious.

02:15:43.000 And they're like, it'll be fun.

02:15:45.000 And it's not even just a black face on my own.

02:15:47.000 It's a black face on my own with gold chains.

02:15:49.000 It had gold chains?

02:15:50.000 Gold chains and gold knuckles. 1.00

02:15:52.000 It was covered like Mr. D. The whole fucking thing. 0.99

02:15:56.000 Do you have a picture of it? 0.99

02:15:57.000 Settle down.

02:15:58.000 I'm sorry.

02:15:59.000 You're breaking glasses on the neighbor's wall.

02:16:02.000 I'm sorry. 1.00

02:16:02.000 And I had to dance out and they played just some fucking eye of the tiger and I had to take punches at this fucking black-faced llama. 1.00

02:16:09.000 And the llama's just standing there because it's a fucking llama. 1.00

02:16:13.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:16:14.000 And I'm like hitting it in the face.

02:16:16.000 My friend Steve Rinella and his brother Matt use llamas when they hunt to carry out the meat.

02:16:22.000 They have trained llamas.

02:16:25.000 They have these trained llamas. 1.00

02:16:26.000 They take them into, like, a cargo van.

02:16:29.000 They load them up in the back of the van, and they bring them to, like, Montana, and they pull them out of the van. 0.99

02:16:33.000 And these things are hardy as fuck. 1.00

02:16:35.000 And they can just carry shit. 1.00

02:16:38.000 And they don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:16:39.000 They just stand out there in the snow, and they're like, whatever. 0.99

02:16:39.000 They don't get cold. 0.99

02:16:42.000 Like, it doesn't bother them at all.

02:16:43.000 Their body temperature's way higher than ours.

02:16:45.000 They're way sturdier than ours.

02:16:46.000 And they use them to pack out meat.

02:16:48.000 He had a whole show about it.

02:16:48.000 It's crazy.

02:16:49.000 He had a show about these llamas going with them out and they're getting an elk and packing it into the back of these fucking llamas and traveling out of the woods with them. 0.99

02:16:59.000 It's just so weird. 0.99

02:17:01.000 He apparently had a moose once and in carrying the moose back to his car over and over again in all these trips, he fucked his back up.

02:17:10.000 So he literally couldn't hunt anymore because he couldn't carry anything out because he'd hurt his back so bad.

02:17:14.000 So he trained all these moose Or I trained all these...

02:17:17.000 What are they called again?

02:17:19.000 Meese?

02:17:20.000 No, the things we were just talking about.

02:17:22.000 Llamas.

02:17:23.000 Trained all these llamas to carry out the meat for them.

02:17:25.000 I thought you were talking about the plural of moose.

02:17:27.000 No, it's just that the word llama, I don't use that often.

02:17:30.000 It's not on the tip of my tongue.

02:17:31.000 Alpaca was there for some reason.

02:17:33.000 I was like, that's not it.

02:17:34.000 It's a llama. 1.00

02:17:35.000 But so these fucking things are pissing inside this van. 1.00

02:17:40.000 They're like disgusting. 1.00

02:17:41.000 In the back of this cargo van and then they pull them out and they slept in the van. 0.97

02:17:46.000 They'll spit at you. 1.00

02:17:48.000 You know Big Cat Derek, right?

02:17:50.000 That guy in Texas that has all the animals.

02:17:53.000 He has a llama.

02:17:54.000 If you look at his videos on Instagram, Big Cat Derek, he let his llama in his house the other day.

02:18:02.000 I don't know why he does this. 0.92

02:18:03.000 I think he just does it to film it, but the llama is just like breaking shit, going through his cupboards and throwing things, and it's just like hilarious. 0.98

02:18:10.000 He's a great guy. 1.00

02:18:12.000 That's a fucking rude animal, man. 1.00

02:18:14.000 The animal's rude, but they don't give a fuck, dude. 1.00

02:18:18.000 They have these things in the mountains in Montana. 0.99

02:18:20.000 It's just snowing like crazy, and you see these llamas just standing there like... 0.99

02:18:26.000 God, they don't give a fuck! 0.98

02:18:27.000 And it makes you realize, like, we're so vulnerable when it comes to the environment that we kind of, like, think of all animals as, even though we know that other animals are more hearty than us, we just don't understand, like, how could they survive this environment? 0.99

02:18:40.000 But wait, how did we?

02:18:41.000 Well, we figured out a way...

02:18:43.000 No, but I mean, how did the first couple generations...

02:18:46.000 It took a while, I'm sure.

02:18:47.000 We could only live in places where you can live without any worry of, like, heating yourself.

02:18:52.000 Like, that was the big issue.

02:18:54.000 Like, everything started out in the rainforest, right?

02:18:56.000 That's what they think.

02:18:57.000 It all started out in Africa. 1.00

02:18:58.000 And if it all started out in Africa, Africa is warm as fuck, okay? 0.99

02:19:02.000 The last thing you have to worry about is clothes. 0.99

02:19:04.000 The last thing you have to worry about is abundance of life.

02:19:06.000 The first thing you have to worry about is not becoming food.

02:19:09.000 That's number one.

02:19:10.000 So it's all about getting to the high trees and figuring out weapons. 0.99

02:19:13.000 And it starts out, you're a bunch of super horny monkeys who fuck like crazy because they're going to reproduce as much as you can. 1.00

02:19:20.000 And everybody fucks everybody so that nobody gets greedy as far as like, oh, these are my fucking kids. 1.00

02:19:25.000 Your kids can suck my dick. 1.00

02:19:26.000 And everybody's like raising everybody because you're just trying to keep away from jaguars and fucking leopards and shit and whatever the hell else is trying to eat you. 1.00

02:19:34.000 So that's what we were forever until we slowly but surely figured out weapons. 0.99

02:19:39.000 We figured out weapons and shelter. 0.99

02:19:40.000 As soon as we could think, we could fucking hole up, build something, nothing can get in, and go, okay, how do you want to deal with these motherfuckers? 0.98

02:19:47.000 Dude, I've been thinking, you know how, like, you pull a stick, and it kind of, like, goes back to the original shape? 0.99

02:19:52.000 If I tie a fucking string on that bench, and then have some shit with, like, a long pointy thing that's sharp in the end, I think it can fly! 1.00

02:19:59.000 I think I'm going to shoot it right at these fucking crazy bears that are eating our babies, and we're going to figure out how to dominate these woods. 1.00

02:20:05.000 And the next thing you know, they started killing things, and they started using fire. 1.00

02:20:09.000 They figured out how to knock rocks together to create sparks, and the embers... 0.95

02:20:13.000 They would blow on it with dried moss and shit that they had saved for this occasion.

02:20:19.000 They get that little amber crackling, and they stack wood upon it, and that keeps the animals away from them.

02:20:24.000 The animals can't believe they can control the fire. 1.00

02:20:26.000 These motherfuckers have fire in their hands. 1.00

02:20:28.000 And they slowly figured out how to stockpile food. 1.00

02:20:31.000 They slowly figured out how to make walls.

02:20:33.000 So do you think community...

02:20:36.000 I think at times, like 9-11, community comes tighter because there's fear.

02:20:41.000 The fear's out there.

02:20:42.000 Do you think when people were getting eaten and they were a community, do you think community was tighter? 0.98

02:20:46.000 Or do you think there were people that talked shit behind people's backs? 0.99

02:20:49.000 They think that gossipy shit like really like gossipy type like the way people do it today and the way people are especially into celebrity gossip. 0.99

02:20:58.000 There's one theory that I found really fascinating was that they think that it has something to do with a lack of community. 0.98

02:21:03.000 Like someone was talking about They were talking about communities bonding together against an enemy, which is what cities used to be.

02:21:13.000 Cities used to bond together.

02:21:14.000 They used to have to worry about someone from outside coming into their midst.

02:21:19.000 But now people don't do that anymore because they don't really know their neighbors.

02:21:23.000 So they're not bonded with all the people that they live next to.

02:21:26.000 The people that they live next to are almost inconvenient.

02:21:28.000 Instead of it being like the best people in the world, they're all like everyone surrounded together.

02:21:34.000 No, you're just next to Mr. Johnson. 1.00

02:21:36.000 He's kind of an asshole and his dog shits on your yard. 1.00

02:21:40.000 There's always some weirdness involved. 1.00

02:21:43.000 But if there were lions roaming through this community, we'd all be a lot tighter.

02:21:46.000 Yeah, yeah, if you had to.

02:21:47.000 If you had to, you'd all be a lot tighter.

02:21:49.000 That's a great idea for a community service project.

02:21:52.000 Just release a lion, one lion. 0.99

02:21:54.000 No, because it's always gonna be somebody who doesn't realize that lion can fucking kill you, and they'll be really mad if you kill the lion, you know? 0.98

02:22:01.000 And there's people that, like, they really do choose animals over people, and animals welfare over people. 0.98

02:22:08.000 And, like, what we were saying before about people working hard to keep the tigers alive, like, I get it.

02:22:13.000 Believe me, I get it.

02:22:14.000 I'm completely joking.

02:22:16.000 I don't want tigers to go extinct. 0.98

02:22:18.000 But, if I lived in India, I would be like fucking Rambo, okay? 0.99

02:22:23.000 I would make an Iron Man suit, and I'd get every fucking weapon. 0.99

02:22:26.000 If tigers ate my family, dude, I would... 0.99

02:22:29.000 Gatlin guns. 0.92

02:22:30.000 I would just be wandering through the tall grasses, gunning down those cunty cats. 0.97

02:22:37.000 Imagine if they ate your mom in front of you. 1.00

02:22:39.000 Tiger ate your fucking mother and dragged her off to the top of a tree. 1.00

02:22:42.000 Like, what? 1.00

02:22:44.000 What is this world?

02:22:44.000 What?

02:22:45.000 We're just trying to save these things? 1.00

02:22:49.000 Fucking metal helmet on like Iron Man and shit all fucking bolted down. 0.99

02:22:54.000 Just a giant carbon fiber and metal outfit with machine guns. 1.00

02:22:59.000 With like a million rounds of ammo.

02:23:01.000 I'd pay to watch it.

02:23:01.000 A backpack filled with ammo.

02:23:09.000 Fuck tigers. 1.00

02:23:11.000 I was 10 feet from a lion about a month ago. 1.00

02:23:14.000 10 feet from a lion in the wild.

02:23:17.000 Just watch it.

02:23:19.000 Every little movement of an animal is so heightened when it can kill you.

02:23:23.000 It just looks at you.

02:23:24.000 You want one of those safari trucks?

02:23:26.000 Open air.

02:23:28.000 Why are they open like that?

02:23:29.000 Because it's real.

02:23:30.000 It's real.

02:23:31.000 And it's scary.

02:23:32.000 Look, I'd love to be in a van, but it's real because you see the wildebeest running next to you, and you're running right next to them.

02:23:37.000 And then you see the lion, you see the hippo, you see the giraffe, you see everything out there.

02:23:42.000 That's the wrong place.

02:23:42.000 You don't see gorillas.

02:23:44.000 But, like, the lion was ten feet from us.

02:23:46.000 I mean, from me to that wall right there, and I just looked at it, and it looks at you, just like a cat just looks at you, flaps its tail, flaps its tail...

02:23:57.000 Kind of stares and looks off.

02:23:58.000 And you're just waiting for it to make that one move.

02:24:00.000 Like, huh? 0.97

02:24:00.000 And then go, it's all fucking over. 0.97

02:24:03.000 But Safari is well worth it. 0.93

02:24:05.000 It was amazing.

02:24:06.000 I tamed lions for an episode of Hurt Burt one time.

02:24:09.000 You tamed them?

02:24:10.000 I tamed them, yeah.

02:24:11.000 What did you have to do?

02:24:12.000 Go into a room cage with like four, I guess, theoretically unruly lions.

02:24:17.000 But four lions and they call them out.

02:24:20.000 And they gave me...

02:24:22.000 Two?

02:24:23.000 Yeah.

02:24:24.000 They gave me like a fanny pack full of sirloin and a plunger stick with a nail on it.

02:24:30.000 And they're like, this is called your meat stick.

02:24:32.000 Don't drop it.

02:24:32.000 Don't lose it.

02:24:34.000 They'll respect you as long as you have your meat stick. 0.91

02:24:35.000 Put meat on the meat stick and the lions will respond to the meat. 1.00

02:24:39.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

02:24:40.000 I was like, I bet they will. 1.00

02:24:42.000 Jesus Christ, man. 0.99

02:24:43.000 It was fucking intense. 1.00

02:24:43.000 The smell of fear coming off you must have been like a New Jersey fucking trash dump. 1.00

02:24:49.000 It must have been just, whoa, this guy's terrified. 1.00

02:24:53.000 That was fucking really scary. 0.97

02:24:55.000 Do you think they could smell that? 0.99

02:24:56.000 Oh, dude.

02:24:56.000 Do you think they could smell that?

02:24:57.000 Oh, when you see that animal size you up, there's no doubt that is the king of the jungle.

02:25:02.000 I'm being dead serious.

02:25:03.000 He called out.

02:25:04.000 It's a little bit of a...

02:25:05.000 I'm not going to do the bitty part of it, what sounds like a bit, but it's very true.

02:25:10.000 He said they all listened to the head of the pride.

02:25:10.000 He calls him out.

02:25:14.000 So he calls him out, and he's like, Mufasa!

02:25:15.000 And this lion just comes out.

02:25:17.000 When you see a lion look at you, it's not like someone...

02:25:23.000 It's like someone walking by you in prison.

02:25:24.000 He sizes you up.

02:25:26.000 I mean, I looked at that thing, and his eyes are huge, his lungs, as he breathed, it felt like golf bags were being squeezed.

02:25:33.000 I mean, you could hear these breaths.

02:25:36.000 I mean, and it just runs up, and then it stands there, but it never takes its eye off you. 0.97

02:25:40.000 It's never like, man, what the fuck's going on? 0.96

02:25:42.000 It's just staring at you, and it's sizing you up. 0.99

02:25:44.000 Oh my God.

02:25:45.000 He called out two more lions.

02:25:46.000 The next one's name was Simba, and the last one's name was Doug or Reggie. 0.98

02:25:51.000 It was fucking horrible, but he calls it over, and the other one, last one was unruly, and just went right up to me. 0.99

02:25:58.000 Nose in my junk, but not, but powerful. 0.99

02:26:01.000 You know when a dog does it, and everyone's like, oh, and they hold their, but it doesn't feel like he's in it? 0.99

02:26:05.000 He put his nose in my junk and bent me over, like, and I dropped the meat stick, and now I'm fumbling for my fucking meat. 1.00

02:26:12.000 I'm like, it was intense as fuck. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Oh my god, dude. 0.99

02:26:16.000 We did this thing called the Ring of Circle, or the Tunnel of Death, where they stand the lions up, four lions, and they hang over, and they roar at you as you walk through them.

02:26:25.000 Oh, no!

02:26:26.000 Roar, just roar. 1.00

02:26:27.000 Just like you're fucking... 1.00

02:26:29.000 Now it's your first night in prison. 1.00

02:26:30.000 You're welcome to Oz, motherfucker! 1.00

02:26:32.000 And it was... 1.00

02:26:33.000 It was fucking insane. 0.99

02:26:34.000 Dude, why? 1.00

02:26:36.000 For a TV show. 1.00

02:26:37.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:26:39.000 That no one saw. 1.00

02:26:40.000 Was that the scariest thing that you ever had to do?

02:26:41.000 No, no.

02:26:42.000 That wasn't the scariest?

02:26:43.000 No, no.

02:26:44.000 I've done...

02:26:45.000 The scariest thing was getting mauled by the bull probably because I really got hurt and I could have gotten killed.

02:26:50.000 That's probably the scariest thing, you know...

02:26:52.000 How'd you get mauled by a bull?

02:26:53.000 You've seen it.

02:26:54.000 Pull up, type in Hurt Burt Rodeo Clown. 0.83

02:26:56.000 Oh, that's right.

02:26:57.000 Did we play that before?

02:26:59.000 I'm sure we have.

02:27:00.000 I'm sure we have. 0.99

02:27:01.000 That was probably the scariest because I realized, oh fuck, there is no golden egg policy in this TV show. 0.99

02:27:08.000 They don't really give a fuck if I get hurt. 1.00

02:27:10.000 They don't care. 0.98

02:27:11.000 I broke my ribs, broke my foot, and I was like...

02:27:13.000 And then I remember getting done and they were like, we need more footage.

02:27:17.000 This is just me getting mold.

02:27:18.000 This is perfect. 1.00

02:27:20.000 So this bull, this is a big fucking bull, dude. 1.00

02:27:24.000 Oh my god. 0.99

02:27:25.000 And you're stuck in a bullpen with this thing.

02:27:28.000 No, dude! 1.00

02:27:29.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

02:27:30.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:27:32.000 My foot's broken.

02:27:33.000 I'm trying to run on it, but it's broken.

02:27:35.000 Oh my god, dude.

02:27:36.000 That bull just full-on charged you.

02:27:39.000 Well, what would they have done if you got, like, gore to death?

02:27:43.000 Nothing.

02:27:44.000 Absolutely nothing.

02:27:45.000 That's what I realized.

02:27:46.000 That's what scared me the most about reality-driven host reality shows.

02:27:53.000 We had actually shot for about another hour of me in the barrel, and the bull hitting the barrel, because this is back when you had to make TV that was eight minutes.

02:28:04.000 You had to do an eight-minute segment or a five-minute segment, so they didn't feel like they had it in just this shot. 0.99

02:28:08.000 What kind of fucking producers do you have, man? 1.00

02:28:12.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:28:13.000 I told the Fightin' a Bear story on this isn't happening. 0.57

02:28:13.000 It's the same one that maybe... 0.57

02:28:16.000 This is not happening.

02:28:17.000 It's the same producer.

02:28:18.000 Oh my god, that's crazy.

02:28:21.000 That guy was like reckless with you.

02:28:22.000 He made me wear makeup.

02:28:25.000 That was probably the scariest thing I've done to date.

02:28:29.000 Having said that, obviously jumping out of a plane with Rachael Ray was terrifying.

02:28:32.000 Being the first guy to jump off a stratosphere was pretty insane.

02:28:34.000 A lot of these rope swings that I'm doing these days, I showed you the one in Durban, but we did one in Switzerland that was like fucking next level terrifying. 0.97

02:28:42.000 Bulls are fucking horrifying when you're right next to them. 0.98

02:28:44.000 Anything with big animals. 1.00

02:28:44.000 I can't believe that thing hit you like that. 1.00

02:28:46.000 Big animals, you can't tell them to, like, take it at 50% so that we get the shot. 0.99

02:28:50.000 What did that feel like when that thing fucking slammed into you? 1.00

02:28:53.000 Helpless. 1.00

02:28:54.000 It's like, you ever been in a car accident and you went, whoa, fuck, I forgot, I'm this fragile. 0.99

02:28:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:28:59.000 A helpless. 0.99

02:29:00.000 When it hit me, I remember it instantly knocking the air out of me.

02:29:03.000 Oh, yeah.

02:29:04.000 But there was this fight-or-flight survival instinct where I was...

02:29:10.000 I mean, my foot was broken and my ribs were broken.

02:29:13.000 And automatically I just get up, like, I remember the first words I said were, how do I get out of here? 0.64

02:29:17.000 But it's not like, there's no TV in my head, I'm just like, how the fuck do I get out of here? 0.61

02:29:21.000 And they told me the number one thing, they said, do not go to the walls of the ring, because if he pins you in between there, he won't let go, and that'll kill you. 0.97

02:29:30.000 And I went, but I didn't think. 0.99

02:29:32.000 I just went right to the fucking wall to get out of there because I was like, I'm in the middle of the fucking pen. 0.99

02:29:35.000 It's going to come back for me. 1.00

02:29:37.000 It's going to stomp me. 0.99

02:29:38.000 And they had no fucking plan to keep you safe. 0.99

02:29:38.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

02:29:42.000 They had no plan.

02:29:43.000 I mean, no plan. 0.99

02:29:44.000 And I think FX canceled that knowing, fuck, we really dodged a bullet. 1.00

02:29:50.000 This kid could have been killed. 1.00

02:29:51.000 Wow.

02:29:52.000 But...

02:29:54.000 Do you have trust issues now?

02:29:56.000 No, I know.

02:29:56.000 That sounds like a joke.

02:29:58.000 I have hardcore trust issues with reality shows.

02:29:59.000 You should. 0.98

02:30:00.000 And everyone that works on TripFlip and Birth to Conqueror, they all know that I'm like, I feel like you may fuck with my safety to get the shot. 0.98

02:30:09.000 And here's the other problem.

02:30:10.000 Sometimes when I say this, and I know maybe you've listened to this and you've been a part of this, but there are guys that know me if they see me and we're shooting and they recognize this podcast.

02:30:18.000 You know my honesty.

02:30:19.000 The problem sometimes is you go into a place where you go like, we're going to go redneck muddin'.

02:30:24.000 And we got a guy, we got a truck, we're going to interview him on TV, and then we're going to get in his truck and he's going to take us for a ride.

02:30:30.000 Well, sometimes it's not always across the board that you can't drink in those trucks.

02:30:34.000 And a lot of times the guys are drinking. 0.95

02:30:36.000 And the other thing that is kind of fucked up is... 0.92

02:30:40.000 I don't want to paint it off that all these red mud things are, but often they don't really care. 1.00

02:30:45.000 And the other thing is, is that for TV, that one guy who has been drinking, whose name's like Bubba, he wants to, you gotta show the Hollywood boy what we do down here in Alabama.

02:30:56.000 And I'm not saying Alabama's the place that we did this.

02:30:58.000 I understand what you're saying.

02:30:59.000 We gotta show this Hollywood boy how to, hey, Ricky, Bobby, Bubba, take it to the next level. 1.00

02:31:04.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:31:05.000 And you get guys where they say to you stuff like, you're gonna get fucked up tonight, Hollywood. 1.00

02:31:10.000 And you're like... 0.87

02:31:11.000 And you just, it's this weird thing. 0.98

02:31:13.000 You do these fucking sky jumps and these jumps. 0.86

02:31:16.000 And they're like, so the guy was telling me, I did one in Switzerland, and he goes, make sure to lift your feet, you might hit the rock. 0.99

02:31:21.000 And I went, hold on. 0.97

02:31:22.000 I go, I need to know if I'm going to hit the fucking rock. 0.99

02:31:24.000 But he's fucking with you because you're making a TV show and they think they'll be making better TV shows. 1.00

02:31:24.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:31:30.000 And so that happens a lot of times as you go to these fucking tracks or these like, you know, like we were in a top fuel dragster, 130 miles an hour in three seconds. 0.98

02:31:41.000 And I had a panic attack. 0.98

02:31:42.000 I had a full panic attack.

02:31:44.000 Because they put you in a flame retardant suit. 0.98

02:31:47.000 Five-point harness.

02:31:48.000 They harness your hands to the suit, so you can't move your hands.

02:31:50.000 So you're basically in handcuffs, in like a straitjacket.

02:31:53.000 They put a helmet on you and a neck brace on the helmet around you, and they tighten the helmet up, and you cannot move.

02:31:59.000 It's for your safety, but I started panicking, and I was very clear.

02:32:03.000 I was like, hey guys, I don't need you to try to break the world's record.

02:32:05.000 Like 130 miles an hour in three seconds is going to look pretty fast.

02:32:09.000 And you just want to make sure that they don't want to think they're making the show better by putting you in danger.

02:32:14.000 Yeah. 0.94

02:32:15.000 Well, that sounds really fucking dangerous. 0.92

02:32:17.000 There's a lot of things, but it's all, I mean, you know, everything with trip flip that we've ever done has always been gauged in safety. 1.00

02:32:24.000 But that's because I'm an executive producer and I'm, fuck, everyone knows I'm a pussy. 0.99

02:32:27.000 But isn't it fascinating, dude, that you have these like really contradictory feelings? 1.00

02:32:32.000 Like you're terrified of shit, but your job, like a big part of your job entails you putting yourself in tremendous danger for no reason whatsoever. 0.97

02:32:41.000 Yeah, I think about that all the time. 1.00

02:32:43.000 I wonder what the fuck's wrong with me. 0.99

02:32:45.000 I think you're trying to exercise it out of your system or something. 0.99

02:32:48.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:32:50.000 I went scuba diving at 80 feet to go see a wreck.

02:32:52.000 I had a panic attack halfway through.

02:32:53.000 I had to swim back up.

02:32:55.000 In a moment of panic, in a real honest panic, it's beautiful because life's never been more defined in what you want and what you don't want. 0.60

02:33:04.000 And I fucking was like, I want nothing at the bottom of this ocean. 0.99

02:33:07.000 All the shit I dig is up top. 0.99

02:33:10.000 But, and I had a hard time. 0.99

02:33:12.000 I ended up doing it and seeing the wreck at 80 feet. 1.00

02:33:14.000 My brain the whole time was like, I could totally fuck with you right now. 0.99

02:33:17.000 And then I got done and I was fucking celebrating it. 0.99

02:33:20.000 I mean, it's finding new boundaries in your spirit or your soul or your DNA and getting to the next level. 0.98

02:33:28.000 And I'm a little addicted to it.

02:33:30.000 So risky.

02:33:35.000 You're space traveling.

02:33:37.000 Everybody wants to go to space.

02:33:38.000 You know what's up there?

02:33:39.000 Rocks.

02:33:40.000 How about you go in the ocean? 1.00

02:33:41.000 They have fucking sharks and clams and crabs and eels and weird fucking things that have fishing rods growing out of their heads. 1.00

02:33:50.000 They're tricking fish and opening their mouth up like some cartoon monster. 1.00

02:33:55.000 You're right.

02:33:56.000 Sucking the fish in. 0.92

02:33:57.000 It's like space with monsters. 0.99

02:33:59.000 That world's way crazier. 1.00

02:34:01.000 Space is stupid. 1.00

02:34:02.000 Space is just... 1.00

02:34:03.000 We've been waiting.

02:34:05.000 Every night, no flying saucers.

02:34:07.000 It's just infinity. 0.99

02:34:09.000 Go in that ocean, that's fucking the wildest world out there, man. 0.99

02:34:13.000 That's so true. 0.97

02:34:14.000 If they said there were monsters, like just 20,000 feet in the atmosphere...

02:34:19.000 There were killer whales in the clouds. 0.98

02:34:21.000 Do you know how fucking popular SeaWorld would be? 0.98

02:34:25.000 If there's killer whales in the clouds? 0.99

02:34:26.000 You could just go up in a plane, your own plane, and fight animals? 0.99

02:34:30.000 Like, that would be fucking amazing. 0.60

02:34:32.000 Could you imagine if you had to go to space to see, like, condors, and you'd get up there and you'd see them? 0.99

02:34:38.000 Who's that fucking bird? 0.99

02:34:40.000 And they wanted to eat you? 1.00

02:34:41.000 They only exist in space.

02:34:42.000 You'd have to go see them in space.

02:34:43.000 You'd appreciate them way more.

02:34:45.000 You'd appreciate birds in space way more than birds down here. 1.00

02:34:48.000 Birds down here are bullshit. 1.00

02:34:50.000 I don't give a fuck if you see a duck. 1.00

02:34:52.000 I'm not pulling the car over for ducks. 1.00

02:34:53.000 You only care if they're fucking. 1.00

02:34:56.000 But if you had ducks in space, they would be the craziest things ever. 1.00

02:35:01.000 If you were on the moon and there were ducks, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here! 1.00

02:35:04.000 There's ducks on the goddamn moon! 1.00

02:35:06.000 Dude, there's ducks at the park! 0.99

02:35:08.000 We can go feed them.

02:35:09.000 They wait for people to throw bread at them. 0.99

02:35:11.000 Who gives a fuck if they're in space? 0.99

02:35:12.000 It's like something in space makes it way cooler. 0.99

02:35:16.000 If you found some naked retard on the moon, you'd be like, there's a guy on the moon! 1.00

02:35:21.000 He's a naked retard, though. 1.00

02:35:23.000 You get a rock from space, and you're like, oh, it's from fucking space! 1.00

02:35:26.000 Yeah, he's up there. 0.98

02:35:27.000 Welcome to the moon, quiz! 0.96

02:35:29.000 And he's jerking off at the camera. 0.93

02:35:32.000 He's like, we found intelligent life. 0.91

02:35:34.000 Are you sure?

02:35:36.000 You got a guy who's beaten off on the moon camera.

02:35:39.000 We'd be so excited.

02:35:40.000 We found...

02:35:41.000 He lives on the moon! 1.00

02:35:42.000 We lose our fucking mind! 1.00

02:35:43.000 He's trying to communicate. 1.00

02:35:45.000 We're trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because all the years of loneliness and madness alone, beating off on the moon, he didn't understand how inappropriate it was in our culture.

02:35:53.000 We cannot expect him, the crazy man on the moon, to have our ethics and our...

02:35:59.000 The way we look at the world. 0.65

02:36:01.000 That guy would be so...

02:36:02.000 Meanwhile, there's a million of those guys in insane asylums all across the country. 0.95

02:36:06.000 We don't appreciate them.

02:36:07.000 You're in that room.

02:36:09.000 You've got a cage.

02:36:10.000 Not that big a deal. 1.00

02:36:11.000 But if that guy is just jerking off in the nurse's face on the moon, it was just him and the nurse on the moon, and you see him, and he's holding her down, jerking off in her face, like, what the fuck is going on on the moon? 1.00

02:36:24.000 Insane asylum on the moon. 1.00

02:36:27.000 That sounds like a movie.

02:36:28.000 It should be.

02:36:29.000 It should be.

02:36:29.000 Rob Zombie's next film.

02:36:36.000 Why did you dream so much about Joe?

02:36:39.000 He doesn't dream that much.

02:36:40.000 Because you said two separate occasions. 0.99

02:36:42.000 Why don't you ask me shit when I'm not around? 0.99

02:36:44.000 And then tell me. 1.00

02:36:46.000 The distorted version.

02:36:48.000 Is your old cat still alive, Joe?

02:36:51.000 I think this might be the week.

02:36:54.000 It's day by day.

02:36:55.000 I'm like, you know, I might let you live one more day.

02:36:57.000 You know, it's just getting too bad.

02:37:00.000 She's getting too old.

02:37:01.000 Yeah.

02:37:01.000 My girl's going alright.

02:37:03.000 She can't see good anymore.

02:37:04.000 Right.

02:37:04.000 She's 19 now.

02:37:06.000 Eek.

02:37:06.000 Yeah.

02:37:07.000 And so she can still hop up on the couch.

02:37:10.000 Does she fall though? 1.00

02:37:12.000 So she falls off shit. 1.00

02:37:13.000 Yeah, she falls. 1.00

02:37:14.000 We used to have her food like it was like on this little counter area. 0.99

02:37:18.000 She would jump up to it.

02:37:19.000 But now she slips a couple times and it's sad.

02:37:21.000 Sad to watch her slip.

02:37:23.000 When is it the point where you're like...

02:37:25.000 When she's in pain.

02:37:27.000 In pain.

02:37:27.000 How do you know where not to?

02:37:28.000 I don't know, she might be.

02:37:30.000 But when I feel like she's miserable, you know, I don't want her to just slowly die.

02:37:35.000 If you could put her to sleep, it's probably more humane.

02:37:37.000 I've been looking at her and she sleeps about 99% of her life now. 1.00

02:37:42.000 How long is yours?

02:37:43.000 About the same age.

02:37:45.000 About 17, something like that.

02:37:47.000 Sad. 0.67

02:37:48.000 But when she is awake, she's puking. 0.77

02:37:54.000 She can barely pee in the litter box anymore.

02:37:57.000 She's just going right outside of it or something like that.

02:37:59.000 And it's just like, is she in pain right now?

02:38:03.000 Actually, they get dementia.

02:38:04.000 They literally have kitty cat Alzheimer's.

02:38:07.000 They meow in the middle of the night.

02:38:09.000 They'll howl.

02:38:10.000 Yeah, that's really bad now.

02:38:11.000 Yeah, my cat, she picks up my daughter's shoes. 0.99

02:38:15.000 My daughter has these Uggs, these soft shoes. 1.00

02:38:17.000 She picks them up and carries them in her mouth.

02:38:19.000 And while she's carrying them in her mouth, she's going... 0.99

02:38:24.000 This weird powell.

02:38:25.000 She thinks it's a kitten? 0.54

02:38:26.000 I don't know what.

02:38:27.000 She never had kittens.

02:38:29.000 Maybe she's going mad because she never had babies. 1.00

02:38:31.000 Now here's a question for you.

02:38:33.000 When this happens, do you...

02:38:34.000 I've never had to deal with this.

02:38:35.000 That's dark.

02:38:35.000 I didn't even think of that.

02:38:36.000 Do you have to go...

02:38:38.000 Should you go to the vet, have her put to sleep? 0.98

02:38:41.000 Or do you think it's cooler to just go to a nice field and just let her be like, look, good luck.

02:38:47.000 Brian, no.

02:38:48.000 Really?

02:38:49.000 Brian.

02:38:50.000 Why would you say that? 0.80

02:38:51.000 But she's gonna starve to death. 1.00

02:38:53.000 Well, I feel like it's like, I'm getting my, like, it's either going, hey, I'm ready to give you, uh, you're gonna go on the electric chair, like, you're gonna go on an electric chair, or we're leaving that prison door open.

02:39:04.000 No, Brian, there's no prison door open.

02:39:06.000 Dude, they give him a shot.

02:39:07.000 They give him a shot and they're dead within moments.

02:39:10.000 They don't electricate them.

02:39:12.000 They give the cat a shot, and they're dead within moments.

02:39:14.000 Or they do it IV, and they're dead within moments.

02:39:17.000 And here's what you do.

02:39:17.000 Here's what you do.

02:39:18.000 Schedule an appointment to put her down tomorrow.

02:39:20.000 She'll start acting 100% as soon as you schedule that appointment.

02:39:24.000 Anytime you have to put out an animal.

02:39:26.000 It's the day you go, all right, here it goes.

02:39:28.000 They're totally perked.

02:39:29.000 Like, hey, no, I feel good.

02:39:30.000 Well, she's probably, my cat is probably a little healthier than yours because she still gets around and, you know, she sleeps a lot.

02:39:37.000 But she comes over to me, she wants to get pet, but she sounds like she's like...

02:39:41.000 Yeah, her voice.

02:39:42.000 She doesn't sound happy.

02:39:43.000 She doesn't sound happy.

02:39:44.000 It's like a squawk, you know. 1.00

02:39:46.000 Well, she's fucking 19 years old, man. 0.99

02:39:48.000 For cats, that's a long-ass time. 0.99

02:39:50.000 That cat lived with me on the other side of the world. 0.99

02:39:53.000 Is there like some stupid law that you have to hold your cat when they put it to sleep? 0.99

02:39:57.000 No, you don't do that. 0.99

02:39:58.000 You just hand it to them.

02:39:59.000 Oh, you do?

02:40:00.000 Okay, cool.

02:40:01.000 Yeah, that's called law of having a heart.

02:40:03.000 No, I don't want to...

02:40:04.000 You can't just like hand it in a box and be like, I'm done with it.

02:40:07.000 Yeah.

02:40:07.000 You're going to want, trust me, you're going to want to be there.

02:40:09.000 Can you pay extra for that?

02:40:10.000 You can pay extra for them to come to your house and do it.

02:40:12.000 I was there for a puppy that had distemper.

02:40:15.000 We got it from this guy.

02:40:17.000 I got it from Callan.

02:40:18.000 I think it was Callan's friend.

02:40:21.000 And it had distemper, and it started having seizures.

02:40:25.000 It was awful.

02:40:26.000 It was awful.

02:40:27.000 And the seizures kept coming more and more frequent, and this dog would just lock up in agony.

02:40:33.000 And the doctor was like, you know, there's really no hope at this stage.

02:40:37.000 And I'm like, oh, I can't believe this.

02:40:38.000 Like, the moment we got him, he's really cute, too.

02:40:41.000 Yeah.

02:40:41.000 And it was hard, man, because the doctor was crying.

02:40:46.000 Oh, my God.

02:40:46.000 Yeah, we held on to the puppy.

02:40:49.000 He gives the puppy the shot, and it just kind of goes stiff.

02:40:52.000 I was there through the whole thing.

02:40:53.000 Did it go stiff?

02:40:54.000 Yeah, it just went limp rather, you know.

02:40:58.000 Yeah, it's hard to watch, man.

02:41:00.000 And the guy who's like, I've talked about him before.

02:41:04.000 His name is Dr. Craig.

02:41:05.000 He was cool.

02:41:05.000 Like a really cool guy.

02:41:07.000 He died.

02:41:07.000 He got killed by a drunk driver, man.

02:41:09.000 Somebody slammed into him one day.

02:41:12.000 I got an email or something about it.

02:41:15.000 It might have been an actual physical mail because it was quite a while ago.

02:41:17.000 I was so bummed out.

02:41:19.000 That guy cared about animals so much.

02:41:21.000 He'd been around so many animals that he had put to sleep, but when that puppy died and I was crying, he started crying too, man.

02:41:28.000 He's a doctor, you know? 0.98

02:41:31.000 He's like, it's the hardest part of my job because I love being able to save him, but he had like fucking 15 dogs. 0.99

02:41:36.000 Like, the guy loved animals. 0.98

02:41:38.000 He had a bunch of cats, a bunch of dogs, you know?

02:41:40.000 He was just a sweetheart of a guy, man. 1.00

02:41:44.000 Sad shit. 0.99

02:41:45.000 Good night, everybody. 1.00

02:41:46.000 Take it easy.

02:41:46.000 See you at the end of the podcast.

02:41:52.000 Yeah, we've been fighting that with Pris, or my dog.

02:41:55.000 Yeah, how old is your dog?

02:41:56.000 Two.

02:41:57.000 She's had five knee surgeries.

02:42:00.000 Oh, my God.

02:42:00.000 Five.

02:42:01.000 Now we're getting the big one, the knee replacement.

02:42:04.000 Oh, my God.

02:42:05.000 Yeah.

02:42:05.000 What's wrong with her?

02:42:06.000 Why is she... 1.00

02:42:07.000 Purebred.

02:42:08.000 Purebred.

02:42:09.000 It's overbred, interbreeding, and she had torn ACL, and then she tore the other ACL. I had a dog like that.

02:42:16.000 She had both her ACLs replaced.

02:42:18.000 She's had both her ACLs done twice, and she's had her kneecaps put back in place because she had degenerative kneecaps. 0.97

02:42:25.000 And the one leg, her right leg, just never really healed.

02:42:29.000 So we went in, and we went to therapy, and they're like, look, There's no cartilage in there. 0.99

02:42:34.000 The only thing that's possible is a knee replacement or we cut the leg off or we just leave it and she drags it and And I was just in the place where I was like I was like I already paid so much fucking money for this dog Get the fucking new knee. 0.99

02:42:46.000 Wow. 0.99

02:42:46.000 How old's your dog? 0.99

02:42:47.000 Two.

02:42:47.000 And they're getting a knee replacement.

02:42:49.000 Do they think there's any like Light on the horizon?

02:42:53.000 It's like an 80% chance that it's going to be fine.

02:42:56.000 I think they put that out of all the cases of knee replacements, but it's only been around for a couple years.

02:43:01.000 So they're getting better at it, obviously.

02:43:03.000 But just to be able to give this dog an opportunity to run and chase, play, and just play, other than sit on the couch and come up and get love.

02:43:11.000 I mean, it gets love all the time, but...

02:43:14.000 Yeah, I've seen those ones that are doing for people now.

02:43:17.000 They showed there was an animated version of the operation online where they do a full knee replacement. 0.99

02:43:23.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.98

02:43:25.000 You're watching and you're just going like, what? 1.00

02:43:27.000 Like, this is crazy.

02:43:29.000 They're sawing your knee off and putting this new piece.

02:43:33.000 Yeah, cut it off.

02:43:34.000 New piece of equipment that's like on a groove and socket sort of set up and you're watching this whole thing that screws into place and like... 1.00

02:43:42.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

02:43:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:43:44.000 We're making bionic knees. 1.00

02:43:47.000 Yeah.

02:43:49.000 But I guess for people that have it, man, it's a huge pain relief.

02:43:54.000 Some people have degenerative diseases of their joints, and it just gets to the point where there's nothing they can do about it.

02:44:00.000 Like Rouse.

02:44:01.000 You know Sean Rouse.

02:44:02.000 Dude, I just hit him up this week.

02:44:04.000 He's so funny.

02:44:05.000 He's hilarious.

02:44:06.000 He is such a talented comedian.

02:44:07.000 Very, very funny dude.

02:44:08.000 And he has a very extreme case of arthritis, where he's, I guess it's called rheumatoid arthritis, but very extreme, where his hands and his knees, and like, he's always in agony.

02:44:18.000 And I know he's had some, I think he's had some...

02:44:20.000 He just got new knees or something like that.

02:44:22.000 I believe Russell Peters bought it for him.

02:44:24.000 Wow, that sounds like Russell.

02:44:26.000 Russell's a good guy.

02:44:27.000 He's buying knees.

02:44:28.000 He's the best.

02:44:29.000 Yeah, see if he'll buy my dog's knee. 0.99

02:44:30.000 Well, Rouse is a really funny fucking comic, man. 0.99

02:44:33.000 Really funny. 0.99

02:44:34.000 He's really talented. 0.99

02:44:35.000 He is a fucking beyond talented comic. 0.99

02:44:38.000 Yeah, it's sad when you see shit like that and you just don't know what is it? 0.99

02:44:43.000 I mean, can they fix it? 0.98

02:44:44.000 What's the solution?

02:44:45.000 Like, there's got to be a way to improve that.

02:44:49.000 That's the beautiful thing about medical science is that they look at a situation like that and they slowly but surely chip away at all the different ways to fix the problem.

02:45:00.000 Like, every day they're coming up with all these new methods for dealing with things that were almost insurmountable just a little while ago.

02:45:08.000 Like they got this doctor in Germany that's replacing people's discs now.

02:45:12.000 Like I've heard of quite a few people going there.

02:45:15.000 And I talked to a doctor about it and he explained to me that there's certain artificial discs that they've created in Germany.

02:45:24.000 That, you know, for people that have neck injuries or back injuries, a lot of times they get their discs fused.

02:45:30.000 And what that means is they take your two bones of your disc, they remove all the gel that separates them, they cut it all away, and they put the two bones together and they screw them into each other.

02:45:41.000 So now you only have the degeneration of the disc above it and the disc below it.

02:45:45.000 You have one giant fat disc that doesn't move that well.

02:45:49.000 So you just can't go like all the way back. 0.83

02:45:50.000 It just fucks with your movement.

02:45:52.000 It fucks with your mobility for some people. 0.88

02:45:53.000 But for some people it's a significant like release of pain. 0.63

02:45:57.000 Yeah.

02:45:57.000 And so then they came out with these spacers.

02:46:00.000 They had these spacers that they used in replacement of a disc.

02:46:03.000 I believe that that's what the operation they did to Tito Ortiz, and they explained it on the UFC. They showed, like, the doctor came and showed this spacer, this plastic spacer.

02:46:11.000 But what they figured out now in Germany is like this articulating, sort of moving joint, almost.

02:46:18.000 And they're putting it in people's necks.

02:46:20.000 I know Braulio Estima got one of those.

02:46:23.000 I don't know if the same thing, but he's a world-famous jiu-jitsu champion.

02:46:26.000 Who had a significant neck injury and he had his disc replaced with an artificial disc and talked about it and how much of a benefit it was to him.

02:46:35.000 So these guys are getting these discs like where they were like really fucked up before and this one guy's a skier and he was fucked up before and he's had like two or three discs replaced with these artificial discs and now he's like skiing again.

02:46:49.000 He feels great. 0.90

02:46:50.000 I'm like, that's crazy.

02:46:51.000 Like they're putting like robot discs in people.

02:46:55.000 I have neck problems and shoulder problems.

02:46:58.000 What's your issues? 1.00

02:46:59.000 I have no fucking clue. 1.00

02:47:00.000 I have no idea. 0.99

02:47:02.000 Oh, nothing.

02:47:02.000 Just went 150 miles an hour to the side of a mountain in Vegas.

02:47:06.000 I think that might have something to do with it. 1.00

02:47:08.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:47:09.000 But it goes from my elbow to my... 1.00

02:47:12.000 I told you about that.

02:47:12.000 I was worried I was going to probably deal with what Boss Ruten's dealing with.

02:47:15.000 Yeah.

02:47:16.000 But he gets it from MMA, and I get it from five roller coasters.

02:47:18.000 Well, he got it, actually.

02:47:19.000 Boss Rootin had, like, a few neck problems from MMA and from jiu-jitsu and kickboxing, but the big one happened to him during stunt work. 0.98

02:47:26.000 He was doing an episode of Sons of Anarchy, and he got dropped on his head, and it fucked his neck up.

02:47:32.000 Like, that, like, really fucked his neck up, and that's when he had to get his discs fused and all that jazz. 0.55

02:47:37.000 Yeah.

02:47:37.000 Yeah, so it wasn't even like MMA. It was like doing stunt work.

02:47:40.000 Stunt work is hard fucking work, man. 0.99

02:47:42.000 Those guys that ride those bulls all the time, those guys that, I mean, people that are rodeo clowns, like, there's some hard work out there. 0.99

02:47:49.000 Oh, yeah, dude.

02:47:50.000 It's all in the same kind of category, you know?

02:47:52.000 There are a lot of men out there that are just fearless.

02:47:55.000 I could never...

02:47:55.000 I mean, I guess I do do it a little bit, but...

02:47:57.000 Dude, I've seen stuntmen do ridiculous shit in movies. 0.98

02:48:00.000 You watch, like, some of those making-of movies, and you see, like, car accidents these stuntmen have to do, or motorcycle wrecks, they have to lay down bikes, and, like... 0.99

02:48:09.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97

02:48:10.000 All for some shitty movie? 0.98

02:48:12.000 Lay down bikes is the scary one because you don't know what's gonna happen with it. 0.98

02:48:15.000 Like, we've done spin-outs in cars where we've had cars come and hit us and spin us out, but ultimately you know it's not gonna flip.

02:48:22.000 Laying down a bike, I saw one in Anchorman the other day, Jack Black was supposed to do it, but the bike fucking caught and started flipping crazy. 1.00

02:48:29.000 I went, dude, I bet that was one fucking stuntman who lost his shit. 1.00

02:48:32.000 Yeah, if he didn't lose his shit, he's a better man than I. Yeah. 1.00

02:48:36.000 Somebody died in a Steven Seagal movie. 1.00

02:48:38.000 A guy was making a Steven Seagal movie and died in some sort of a wreck.

02:48:42.000 Can you imagine if he died for one of those straight-to-DVD, shitty-the-end ones?

02:48:48.000 Not like the early ones, either.

02:48:50.000 It's not like...

02:48:51.000 Above the Law was badass.

02:48:54.000 To this day, I still enjoy Above the Law.

02:48:56.000 That comes on. 1.00

02:48:57.000 It was a fun, stupid movie. 1.00

02:48:59.000 I like the one, is that the one where he's the cook in the Navy? 1.00

02:49:02.000 No, that's a different one.

02:49:03.000 That's a good one.

02:49:04.000 You had a few good ones back in the day.

02:49:07.000 A ship won.

02:49:07.000 That was a good one.

02:49:08.000 Under Siege.

02:49:09.000 Under Siege.

02:49:10.000 Under Siege 2. Under Siege 2 is pretty good.

02:49:12.000 The ship won.

02:49:14.000 Yeah.

02:49:14.000 My buddy Mike Starr was on one of those with him, and he had to do a fight scene with Steven Seagal.

02:49:19.000 He had to wear this chest protector and let Steven Seagal punch him in the chest. 0.98

02:49:24.000 He said it sucked. 0.99

02:49:26.000 Just a regular actor, too. 0.97

02:49:28.000 He wasn't even a stunt guy. 1.00

02:49:30.000 But you're getting your chest lit up by some guy who's a big fucker who knows how to punch you. 1.00

02:49:34.000 Steven Seagal is big? 1.00

02:49:35.000 He's a big fucker. 1.00

02:49:37.000 Really? 1.00

02:49:37.000 Yeah, he's a big dude. 1.00

02:49:38.000 He's probably like 6'4", 6'3", somewhere on there.

02:49:41.000 Oh, wow.

02:49:42.000 How tall?

02:49:42.000 Take a guess.

02:49:43.000 I was gonna say 5'10".

02:49:46.000 No, he's...

02:49:47.000 How tall is Steven Seagal? 1.00

02:49:50.000 Seriously, no shit. 0.99

02:49:53.000 6'4". 0.99

02:49:54.000 Yeah, see?

02:49:56.000 It's not automatically known.

02:49:59.000 His sister, Katie Seagal, was married with children.

02:50:02.000 Oh, really?

02:50:02.000 That's his sister, the mom from Married With Children.

02:50:04.000 What?

02:50:05.000 That's his sister.

02:50:06.000 Are you sure?

02:50:06.000 A hundred percent.

02:50:08.000 No way.

02:50:09.000 Nailed it.

02:50:10.000 Wow.

02:50:10.000 Is that true, Jamie?

02:50:12.000 Why are you looking at Jamie?

02:50:14.000 Just look at me.

02:50:15.000 Katie Seagal is his sister. 1.00

02:50:18.000 Shut up, Jamie. 1.00

02:50:19.000 Oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:50:21.000 Jamie, you're just a white-dressed, gold-looking motherfucker today, aren't you? 1.00

02:50:27.000 Are you going to stick to this, Bert Crouch? 1.00

02:50:30.000 Yeah.

02:50:31.000 I bet Jamie proves to be correct.

02:50:34.000 Steven Seagal.

02:50:40.000 Their son's name, their son, is Jason Seagal.

02:50:44.000 What does it say?

02:50:45.000 Relatives.

02:50:46.000 Yep, there we go.

02:50:48.000 She changed.

02:50:48.000 Is that her name?

02:50:50.000 White gold.

02:50:50.000 What's that?

02:50:51.000 This is her.

02:50:52.000 That's her. 0.88

02:50:53.000 Not him.

02:50:54.000 So it's not.

02:50:55.000 No, she just is keeping Stephen off there because she's embarrassed.

02:50:58.000 Oh, no, no, no. 1.00

02:50:58.000 Hold on, bullshit. 1.00

02:51:00.000 Bullshit! 1.00

02:51:00.000 It's spelled totally different. 1.00

02:51:01.000 No, Steven Seagal and Katie Seagal are fucking brother-sister. 0.98

02:51:05.000 You're gonna have to put her here some data, son. 0.99

02:51:07.000 Go to Steven Seagal's website. 0.99

02:51:08.000 She's not proud of it the way fucking the girls are proud of it. 1.00

02:51:11.000 Listen, Steven Seagal made up a bunch of shit about being a Navy SEAL. Why wouldn't he make up a bunch of shit about this? 1.00

02:51:18.000 Didn't he? 1.00

02:51:19.000 Didn't he do some, like, special ops work?

02:51:21.000 I think he threw a little Brian Williams in there.

02:51:23.000 Highly questionable.

02:51:24.000 Opkido, Hollywood, DirecTV.

02:51:25.000 Legit as a martial artist.

02:51:27.000 Oh, here, I'm reading it right here.

02:51:28.000 Steven Seagal, younger brother to the less, more famous Katie Seagal. 0.98

02:51:32.000 Come on, what is that on fucking Bob's website? 1.00

02:51:35.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:51:37.000 What website are you watching? 1.00

02:51:39.000 It's The Union?

02:51:42.000 Hold on.

02:51:43.000 The guy's a legit martial artist.

02:51:45.000 I'll give him that.

02:51:46.000 Okay, look, maybe they're not brother and sister. 1.00

02:51:48.000 You fucked up, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:51:51.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:51:52.000 You know, you just ruined the story in my head. 1.00

02:51:54.000 How dare you.

02:51:55.000 It was so much more interesting to me. 1.00

02:51:57.000 No, they are not related, you fuck. 1.00

02:51:59.000 It's not even spelled the same. 1.00

02:52:00.000 This ruined it for me, though. 1.00

02:52:02.000 Fuck you guys. 1.00

02:52:03.000 I always had this interesting story of them growing up together. 1.00

02:52:05.000 Sir, your view of reality is quite rigid.

02:52:07.000 Look.

02:52:08.000 Steven Seagal is a fine gentleman and an excellent martial artist.

02:52:11.000 Katie Seagal, a fine actor in her own right.

02:52:13.000 You have besmirched their name.

02:52:15.000 Besmirched? 0.97

02:52:16.000 With your horrible... 0.93

02:52:17.000 You were so committed to that rumor.

02:52:19.000 You don't even want to know the truth. 0.98

02:52:21.000 I've been holding that in my head for fucking years and being like, isn't that fascinating? 0.90

02:52:26.000 That they both kind of took different angles in the business that don't even look like. 0.97

02:52:29.000 All it would have taken was a simple Google search.

02:52:31.000 You just weren't willing to do it. 1.00

02:52:32.000 But you were willing to get on this podcast and argue to the fucking death. 0.99

02:52:35.000 I believe in faith. 0.99

02:52:36.000 I believe in faith.

02:52:38.000 You gotta have faith.

02:52:39.000 I heard that one from George Michaels.

02:52:40.000 And Fred Durst.

02:52:41.000 Baby!

02:52:42.000 Alright, that's it.

02:52:43.000 Podcast over.

02:52:44.000 Good night, everybody.

02:52:45.000 Bert Kreischer, follow him on Twitter.

02:52:46.000 Brian Redband, R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter.

02:52:50.000 Be back later this week.

02:52:52.000 See ya.

02:53:16.000 I don't know.

02:53:19.000 I don't know if I'm here.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 04, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #620 - Bert Kreischer

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