The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery

00:00:00.000 Alright, we're live.

00:00:01.000 We're going in.

00:00:01.000 I'm here with Nick DiPaolo, Brian Redband.

00:00:05.000 Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:06.000 And we're looking at the tunnel that they dug under, I believe his name is El Chapo.

00:00:11.000 Yes, El Chapo Guzman.

00:00:13.000 Respect. 0.99

00:00:14.000 Respect for, you know, forget about all the terrible shit I'm sure that guy has done. 0.69

00:00:19.000 Listen, you gotta give props when they're due. 0.99

00:00:22.000 This guy had, I mean, he's got a fucking plan. 0.99

00:00:26.000 He executed it like a goddamn Clint Eastwood movie. 1.00

00:00:28.000 I know. 1.00

00:00:29.000 This is a movie.

00:00:30.000 I've hired contractors who don't do work that good.

00:00:33.000 That tunnel was perfect for Christ's sake.

00:00:35.000 And he was in jail for a year, so I wonder if it took a year for them to do this.

00:00:39.000 Oh Christ.

00:00:40.000 I wonder how they did it.

00:00:41.000 Probably got a crew of six and they did it in three hours.

00:00:43.000 What? 1.00

00:00:45.000 They dug a fucking mile tunnel. 0.99

00:00:47.000 There's a video of him going into the hole, too. 0.99

00:00:50.000 See if you can find the video.

00:00:52.000 Because you actually see him go, well, see ya. 0.99

00:00:54.000 He just fucking... 0.99

00:00:55.000 He just goes over to by where his toilet is and just steps down into... 1.00

00:00:58.000 I'm not kidding, man.

00:00:59.000 It's crazy.

00:01:00.000 It's crazy to watch.

00:01:01.000 Yeah, there's a staircase.

00:01:02.000 It's like a movie, and it's going to end with Trump, you know?

00:01:05.000 Oh my God.

00:01:06.000 And the movie's going to be Trumped.

00:01:07.000 Do you know his son said something, he texted something, or tweeted something to Trump.

00:01:14.000 Jesus Christ, how terrified must Trump be right now? 1.00

00:01:17.000 Can you imagine this fucking guy who can dig a tunnel a mile under the ground? 1.00

00:01:21.000 He comes up behind Trump's house. 1.00

00:01:23.000 He's trying to kick your ass. 1.00

00:01:25.000 Isn't it weird that history is tweeted now? 0.99

00:01:27.000 Like, in the past it used to be by horse and message carrier, and now it's tweeted.

00:01:31.000 Yeah, so strange.

00:01:32.000 So strange.

00:01:33.000 People on the run have, you know, access to Twitter.

00:01:37.000 When you find out something happened, like somebody died, what do you do immediately?

00:01:40.000 I go to Twitter.

00:01:41.000 Yeah.

00:01:42.000 Immediately.

00:01:43.000 I just go, look in the timeline.

00:01:45.000 Depends.

00:01:45.000 Depends who it is.

00:01:47.000 Depends who it is that died?

00:01:49.000 Might check my space on a couple of those guys.

00:01:51.000 Yeah, you would see R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy was a big one for me.

00:01:57.000 I was like, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:01:59.000 Spock? 1.00

00:02:00.000 Fucking Spock died? 0.99

00:02:02.000 And immediately I went to Twitter and bam, it was right there. 1.00

00:02:05.000 I had a...

00:02:06.000 Look at this.

00:02:06.000 He's got a motorcycle.

00:02:08.000 Sorry, while we're watching this.

00:02:09.000 The hunt for El Chapo. 1.00

00:02:10.000 El Chapo was a fucking motorcycle. 1.00

00:02:12.000 I had a jug of whiskey. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Like, what is that jug on the front seat?

00:02:16.000 It's tequila.

00:02:17.000 It's tequila. 1.00

00:02:17.000 He's going to fucking party as soon as he gets on that thing. 1.00

00:02:20.000 I want a motorbike and a gallon of cider. 0.99

00:02:23.000 This is like El Machete.

00:02:25.000 I mean, it really is.

00:02:27.000 Like, he gets down through the hole. 1.00

00:02:29.000 There's a motorcycle with fucking liquor. 1.00

00:02:31.000 On rails. 1.00

00:02:31.000 And it was on rails. 1.00

00:02:32.000 Like a ride at fucking Disney. 0.99

00:02:34.000 And he's gone. 1.00

00:02:35.000 Look at that.

00:02:36.000 Tunnel cost five million.

00:02:38.000 Took a year to build. 1.00

00:02:40.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Boy, the authorities are really fuckin' on top of it, huh? 1.00

00:02:44.000 How funny is that, though, that they take a wild guess at 5 million? 1.00

00:02:48.000 Bitch, you don't know how much you pay. 1.00

00:02:48.000 Yeah, where'd they get that price? 1.00

00:02:50.000 I was just guessing.

00:02:51.000 Well, we called Home Depot and they said the 2x4s are at least 60 grand.

00:02:55.000 Well, the amount of 30 he had at this place, you know, you think you gotta factor in trucking and union costs?

00:03:00.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:03:01.000 This is his toilet.

00:03:02.000 So what he did was, they built it right behind the stall. 0.99

00:03:05.000 So I guess he has like a little bit of privacy there, and that's where they fucked up. 0.99

00:03:08.000 They gave him like a little bit of shitter privacy. 0.98

00:03:11.000 Yeah, which, you know, why would you do that?

00:03:14.000 Well, now they know.

00:03:15.000 You can't give the guy shitter privacy. 1.00

00:03:17.000 Catch him again. 1.00

00:03:18.000 Now you have to shit in the front of your cell? 1.00

00:03:20.000 I mean, come on! 1.00

00:03:21.000 This is crazy!

00:03:22.000 This is like...

00:03:23.000 It's a colonoscopy.

00:03:24.000 Look, Joe. 0.99

00:03:25.000 My butthole looks that good. 0.99

00:03:27.000 I'd be very happy. 0.99

00:03:28.000 It's that wide and clean.

00:03:29.000 Jesus.

00:03:30.000 It's ready to go.

00:03:31.000 It's getting licked out.

00:03:34.000 That's all protein powder stuck to the side. 0.99

00:03:36.000 Fucking green energy drinks and Joe coffee and all that. 0.99

00:03:41.000 Tail shakes and mousse. 1.00

00:03:42.000 Ground mousse. 0.95

00:03:43.000 That's my prostate. 0.98

00:03:44.000 The wire hanging out of it. 0.98

00:03:45.000 Electronic prostate. 0.99

00:03:46.000 Did you see they're going to be able to make artificial penises? 0.97

00:03:48.000 They said within the next five years they're going to have lab-created penises. 0.98

00:03:52.000 I'm already on the list. 0.86

00:03:53.000 You didn't hear about this like a year ago?

00:03:55.000 Can you imagine having the first generation of them? 0.96

00:03:57.000 Well, I was in Miami the other day, and I saw this woman that had an artificial butt, like the most obvious artificial butt I've ever seen. 1.00

00:04:05.000 Yeah, those look bad now. 0.98

00:04:06.000 It was so bizarre.

00:04:07.000 It was so strange.

00:04:08.000 But what happened was, she just went crazy.

00:04:11.000 You know, she didn't say, well, I'm going to get a little butt lift, add a little... 0.96

00:04:14.000 No, she went nuts. 0.85

00:04:15.000 Here's El Chapo.

00:04:16.000 Watch this.

00:04:16.000 Watch him walk through this.

00:04:19.000 This is hilarious.

00:04:20.000 He's just hanging out.

00:04:21.000 Yeah, you know, just in my cell, another day, no big deal.

00:04:23.000 And then they give him like a knock, knock, knock. 0.99

00:04:26.000 He goes, all right, let's fucking do this. 0.97

00:04:27.000 Goes back there, steps down, and boom, it's over. 1.00

00:04:31.000 How the fuck? 1.00

00:04:32.000 How the fuck do you not respect that? 1.00

00:04:36.000 And for him, five million, like what a bargain, you know? 0.99

00:04:40.000 It looked like he was doing that trick that people do when they walk behind a wall at a party and they go like...

00:04:46.000 All your friends do that when you're drunk.

00:04:48.000 The fake staircase trick.

00:04:49.000 Yeah, the fake staircase trick.

00:04:50.000 That's exactly what it looked like.

00:04:52.000 That's hilarious.

00:04:53.000 And he's gone.

00:04:54.000 He's gone.

00:04:54.000 For now.

00:04:55.000 There had to be some cooperation.

00:04:56.000 That was a little too easy.

00:04:57.000 I don't know why you would assume that.

00:04:59.000 You know, you always think the worst of people.

00:05:02.000 And I think that's one of your faults, buddy. 0.99

00:05:04.000 Which is one of my fucking strong points. 0.98

00:05:06.000 When you look at that, it's like, I mean, that's about as clear an example of an inside job as you're ever gonna fucking get. 0.98

00:05:14.000 Nobody heard digging? 0.94

00:05:15.000 Nobody heard nothing?

00:05:17.000 Nothing?

00:05:17.000 Motorcycle starting up?

00:05:18.000 Yeah.

00:05:18.000 Do you guys even notice that there's one lone house that was just built a mile away?

00:05:23.000 You didn't notice?

00:05:24.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:24.000 Yeah, where was the output?

00:05:25.000 Was it a house?

00:05:27.000 I thought I heard a dirt bike starting up in El Chapo.

00:05:29.000 No, no, no, no, nothing, my friend.

00:05:31.000 I smell whiskey.

00:05:32.000 They had a jug for him. 1.00

00:05:34.000 The guy outside there, he gets a fucking jug of whiskey, or whatever was in that jug. 0.99

00:05:38.000 Definitely had to be tealer. 0.99

00:05:39.000 I'm assuming it was booze.

00:05:40.000 Maybe a little water, fellas.

00:05:41.000 I mean, it was a ton of...

00:05:43.000 Well, he had a regular cell, so it wasn't like Goodfellas style.

00:05:48.000 Remember those guys?

00:05:49.000 The lobsters and the steaks coming in.

00:05:50.000 They're slicing the garlic with the razor blade.

00:05:53.000 You always knew how to make the sauce. 1.00

00:05:55.000 That fucking sauce. 1.00

00:05:57.000 I tried that after that. 1.00

00:05:59.000 I tried slicing the garlic with the razor blade.

00:06:01.000 It's very annoying.

00:06:02.000 Yeah, it's too much work.

00:06:03.000 It's not worth it.

00:06:04.000 It's so not worth it. 1.00

00:06:05.000 My grandmother wouldn't even do that shit. 1.00

00:06:07.000 That's the kind of shit you do when you're in jail. 1.00

00:06:09.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:06:09.000 There's no pussy. 1.00

00:06:11.000 You're lost and trapped in this horrible environment where people tell you what to do every day. 1.00

00:06:15.000 Just decide to find out new ways to chop garlic.

00:06:19.000 But some people did live like that, right? 1.00

00:06:21.000 Like, that's real shit. 0.99

00:06:22.000 Like, really didn't have, like, cordoned off areas in jails. 1.00

00:06:25.000 How the fuck did they ever pull that off? 0.97

00:06:27.000 Same way El Chapo. 0.99

00:06:29.000 But that's even kind of crazier, because at least El Chapo you could kind of say you didn't know until the end.

00:06:34.000 If there's a whole section of your jail...

00:06:36.000 Yeah, everybody's paid off. 0.94

00:06:37.000 ...that has, like, carpets over the fucking bar so you can't see in, and you smell cooking, and the guards are getting mad because they don't have fans, so they're frying steaks in there, and it's... 0.93

00:06:47.000 Smoke's getting everywhere. 0.94

00:06:49.000 Those two guys that broke out of upstate New York?

00:06:52.000 Mm-hmm.

00:06:53.000 In that prison, you were allowed to put sheets up to block the view of the...

00:06:57.000 Really?

00:06:58.000 You could put sheets in the front of your cell.

00:06:59.000 Yes, that was allowed. 0.96

00:07:00.000 So it became like a really shitty apartment. 0.94

00:07:03.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:07:06.000 Exactly.

00:07:08.000 I mean, how is that allowed in a prison?

00:07:10.000 That doesn't seem like prison-ish. 1.00

00:07:12.000 Up in Hillbillyville, I mean, what the fuck? 0.98

00:07:13.000 That's gotta be one of the weirdest things about being in a prison, is that you don't, no one sees, you see everybody. 0.99

00:07:19.000 Like, no one has any privacy.

00:07:21.000 You're like constantly exposed to each other.

00:07:22.000 That's very unnatural.

00:07:24.000 Just that alone.

00:07:25.000 I mean, you gotta, but obviously, you see something like this, where all he had was like a little, little tiny wall, Over the shitter.

00:07:32.000 Like next to the shitter. 0.99

00:07:33.000 I don't even like shitting at Fenway. 0.99

00:07:34.000 You know, I can't imagine being in a cell with another guy three feet away. 0.87

00:07:37.000 There's those decisions you have to make though, right? 0.99

00:07:39.000 Like airport shits. 0.99

00:07:41.000 You gotta go, we're just gonna do this. 0.99

00:07:43.000 Regardless of how disgusting it smells in there and what was in the toilet already.

00:07:47.000 Sometimes you just gotta get rid of a package.

00:07:49.000 Those are the worst.

00:07:50.000 The airport.

00:07:51.000 Especially international terminals.

00:07:52.000 You get 11 different odors coming out of 11 different stuff.

00:07:55.000 You get curry next to you. 1.00

00:07:56.000 Fucking coffee from Columbia. 1.00

00:07:58.000 It's a food court. 1.00

00:07:59.000 I was in Miami the other day, and I had to go through immigration. 0.99

00:08:02.000 And when I was going through the immigration thing, there's this giant fucking line of people. 1.00

00:08:06.000 And everywhere you look, there's the Ebola signs. 0.98

00:08:09.000 There's these signs, like, if you have an elevated temperature, don't do this, don't do that.

00:08:14.000 And they have all these...

00:08:15.000 There's like four or five Ebola signs right in front of me.

00:08:18.000 Warning, have you been to Liberia?

00:08:20.000 Have you been to...

00:08:21.000 We were in Costa Rica.

00:08:23.000 It's Liberia, but it's spelled Liberia.

00:08:29.000 You know, my wife is like, are we going to get Ebola? 0.99

00:08:31.000 Like, is there Ebola in this fucking... 0.99

00:08:33.000 No, it's Africa, Liberia. 1.00

00:08:35.000 Thus, the need for borders, Joe.

00:08:37.000 But what about those poor people that have Ebola? 0.99

00:08:39.000 What are we, all the fucking everybody in the world that fucking... 0.99

00:08:41.000 I just don't think that we deserve it. 1.00

00:08:44.000 I know you don't.

00:08:44.000 You've been taught to hate this country.

00:08:46.000 No, I love this country.

00:08:47.000 How dare you?

00:08:48.000 But why don't you think we deserve it?

00:08:50.000 Nicholas, will you hate this America country?

00:08:51.000 I love this country. 1.00

00:08:53.000 I just think that other people, they're fucked. 1.00

00:08:55.000 We need to help them. 1.00

00:08:57.000 They're in trouble.

00:08:57.000 We are.

00:08:58.000 What kind of taxes are you paying?

00:09:00.000 There's not enough.

00:09:01.000 There's no way.

00:09:01.000 We'd be paying way more if we were actually helping Africa.

00:09:04.000 Oh, that's true.

00:09:06.000 We're rebuilding.

00:09:07.000 If we rebuild Iraq, imagine if we just decided to do that, just start rebuilding infrastructures of cities, just without war.

00:09:14.000 Just go in there, big-time government contracts, just rebuild Liberia.

00:09:19.000 Liberia, if you've never seen it, there's a Vice documentary on it.

00:09:22.000 They have a summer home over there. 0.99

00:09:24.000 Inside or outside the shit way? 1.00

00:09:26.000 This is like an area where people just shit on the street. 0.99

00:09:29.000 You want to make sure you're not downwind of that. 0.97

00:09:32.000 Real estate prices vary.

00:09:34.000 It's like being north or south of the boulevard.

00:09:36.000 Just the smells knocked on your property value?

00:09:39.000 Well, Shane Smith from Vice went down there years ago.

00:09:43.000 And they did this documentary on how crazy Liberia was. 0.97

00:09:47.000 You'll love this.

00:09:48.000 One of the things that happened in Liberia is, I believe it was a place where they put a lot of slaves once they were set free.

00:09:55.000 Once, like, American slaves that went back to Africa, I think that was also a big part of Liberia, and the government collapsed there.

00:10:02.000 If you're really interested in the story, don't listen to it from me, because I'm going to butcher it. 0.97

00:10:07.000 But Shane's Vice piece kind of details where that country went wrong, and it's fucking chaos there now. 0.92

00:10:16.000 They're serving on these little carts where they serve food on the side of the road. 0.98

00:10:21.000 They were serving human meat.

00:10:23.000 And you know how this guy recognized it?

00:10:24.000 You can get that on La Cienega.

00:10:27.000 The guy recognizes it because he had eaten human meat.

00:10:30.000 So he knew what it tasted like.

00:10:31.000 So he turned the guy in.

00:10:33.000 What part of that story was I supposed to love?

00:10:35.000 You go, you'll love this.

00:10:36.000 Then you go into the slavery part.

00:10:37.000 You go, you'll love this.

00:10:42.000 And you went right into the slavery part.

00:10:43.000 Like, I'm pro-slavery.

00:10:45.000 That's not what I'm saying.

00:10:46.000 You'll love this because it's fascinating.

00:10:49.000 You love it because it's fascinating.

00:10:50.000 Not because you love it.

00:10:51.000 I didn't say specifically why you love it.

00:10:53.000 You're reading into this, Nicholas.

00:10:54.000 I'm just saying, everybody does that to me. 1.00

00:10:55.000 They torch me with that shit. 1.00

00:10:56.000 You have one too many appearances on Fox News. 1.00

00:10:58.000 They're just like, Nicholas, you're our go-to guy.

00:11:01.000 They won't even have me on anymore.

00:11:03.000 Really?

00:11:03.000 They're like, he's just too racist.

00:11:04.000 No. 0.99

00:11:05.000 I'm not fucking racist. 0.96

00:11:07.000 I'm just kidding. 0.93

00:11:08.000 I'm kidding.

00:11:09.000 As soon as you say that, I win the argument, Joe.

00:11:11.000 That's true.

00:11:12.000 That is true.

00:11:13.000 I know.

00:11:13.000 That is true, right?

00:11:14.000 That's one of the first... 0.98

00:11:15.000 You're racist or you're sexist or you're misogynist. 1.00

00:11:18.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:11:19.000 By the way, all words that were made up, they're not even part of fucking Latin. 0.99

00:11:22.000 They were made up for the causes. 0.86

00:11:24.000 I don't know if you know that.

00:11:25.000 I'm a fan of America.

00:11:26.000 We don't go by Latin language.

00:11:28.000 We have American English. 1.00

00:11:30.000 We're done with that Latin shit. 1.00

00:11:31.000 We add on to it as we like. 1.00

00:11:33.000 That's right.

00:11:34.000 Cisgender. 0.99

00:11:35.000 You've got to start adapting that.

00:11:36.000 Don't you understand what that means?

00:11:38.000 Cisgender? 0.95

00:11:39.000 Do you know what that means?

00:11:40.000 No.

00:11:40.000 That means if you are heterosexual and you are the gender of your birth.

00:11:48.000 So if you are a heterosexual white man, you are a cisgendered white man.

00:11:54.000 What does that mean?

00:11:55.000 Exactly.

00:11:56.000 Let's just adopt it.

00:11:57.000 Let's get something straight.

00:11:58.000 Let's add it on.

00:12:00.000 Exactly.

00:12:01.000 Let's keep adding them on.

00:12:02.000 I like it.

00:12:03.000 Gender is not a social construct.

00:12:05.000 Can we get that?

00:12:06.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:12:07.000 Some girl was sucking my social construct last night. 1.00

00:12:09.000 Oh! 1.00

00:12:11.000 Stick that, you fucking lesbian pipe. 1.00

00:12:13.000 The garlic and the sauce. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:12:17.000 How fucking outrageous a statement by Nick De Palma. 0.97

00:12:20.000 Gender's definitely not a social construct. 0.99

00:12:23.000 There's males and females.

00:12:24.000 But there's also a spectrum inside that male and female.

00:12:28.000 And there's women who are men or men or women.

00:12:30.000 Absolutely.

00:12:30.000 I think that's absolutely real.

00:12:32.000 Absolutely.

00:12:32.000 I don't think you can deny it at a certain point in time, right?

00:12:35.000 No, that's just biology.

00:12:37.000 But I'll say cisgender just because it's fun. 1.00

00:12:39.000 Just because I feel silly saying it.

00:12:41.000 It's got the word cis in it.

00:12:42.000 It almost sounds like a pro-lesbian thing. 0.66

00:12:44.000 Hmm.

00:12:45.000 Yeah.

00:12:46.000 Cisgender. 0.99

00:12:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:48.000 I'm bro-gender.

00:12:50.000 Bro-gendered? 0.78

00:12:52.000 That's a guy who wants things the old-fashioned way. 0.84

00:12:56.000 No, that's a reactionary.

00:12:58.000 Yeah, reactionary, I used to think, is just someone who reacts to things quickly.

00:13:01.000 Everybody did.

00:13:02.000 It's a right-wing.

00:13:03.000 It's reacting to things in a right-wing slant, right?

00:13:06.000 Because somebody said that about my act, about me being a reactionary.

00:13:09.000 Like, what do they mean?

00:13:10.000 Does he mean I jump down the throats of hecklers?

00:13:12.000 Yeah.

00:13:13.000 Well, it sounds like that's what it should mean.

00:13:16.000 That's exactly right.

00:13:16.000 It's what everybody thinks initially.

00:13:18.000 That's one of those weird words.

00:13:19.000 Like, make up a new word.

00:13:21.000 Why do you have the same word as reaction?

00:13:23.000 Cis-reaction.

00:13:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:13:25.000 I mean, like, you already have reaction.

00:13:26.000 We all know what that means.

00:13:27.000 And everybody knows what airy means.

00:13:29.000 You add it, you're doing it, right?

00:13:30.000 You're reactionary.

00:13:31.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:13:32.000 Why are you making a new definition, you fuck? 1.00

00:13:34.000 Why am I looking at you? 1.00

00:13:35.000 Like, Brian made a dictionary.

00:13:37.000 I know, Brian was yelling at Webster over there.

00:13:39.000 I tried to say one-thousandth.

00:13:43.000 That's a good one.

00:13:44.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:45.000 That is not easy.

00:13:46.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:47.000 And I can't do it.

00:13:48.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:49.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:50.000 Yeah, I had to think about that.

00:13:51.000 Can you do that?

00:13:52.000 What?

00:13:53.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:54.000 One-thousandth.

00:13:55.000 That's not easy.

00:13:57.000 That's a weird one.

00:13:58.000 You did.

00:13:58.000 You totally did.

00:13:59.000 See, I just fucked it up. 0.97

00:14:00.000 Right? 0.98

00:14:00.000 But you had to concentrate. 0.98

00:14:01.000 One-thousandth.

00:14:01.000 Yeah.

00:14:02.000 Yeah.

00:14:02.000 Isn't that weird?

00:14:03.000 Yeah, it's a weird one.

00:14:04.000 What if you had a hair lip? 1.00

00:14:05.000 It's a real bitch. 1.00

00:14:06.000 I was like freaking out for a half hour last night. 0.99

00:14:10.000 Is Jacqueen Phoenix, is he like the most successful hair lip guy ever?

00:14:13.000 Or is it the guy who is Stacy Keach?

00:14:16.000 Which guy?

00:14:18.000 Has that ever been asked?

00:14:19.000 It's the best question I've ever heard.

00:14:20.000 I think it's a good question.

00:14:21.000 Stacy Keach, that's right.

00:14:23.000 He had a hair lip too.

00:14:24.000 He's dead, right?

00:14:24.000 He just died.

00:14:25.000 I believe he did.

00:14:26.000 He did, didn't he?

00:14:27.000 I believe he did.

00:14:28.000 Or am I confused?

00:14:29.000 I always confuse Stacy Keach.

00:14:30.000 What was that show he was on?

00:14:34.000 He's been on a lot of stuff.

00:14:35.000 He had a detective show?

00:14:36.000 Oh, wait a minute.

00:14:37.000 I think Keech is alive.

00:14:38.000 I'm confused, and I'm with a guy that was...

00:14:40.000 Jamie will find out.

00:14:41.000 Is he alive?

00:14:41.000 Yeah.

00:14:41.000 All right, Stacey.

00:14:43.000 He does the ONA introductions for Opie and Anthony.

00:14:46.000 I didn't know that.

00:14:47.000 Yes.

00:14:48.000 Is that right?

00:14:48.000 Yes.

00:14:49.000 See if you can find Stacey Keech reading Opie and Anthony introductions, because it's fucking awesome.

00:14:53.000 I always confuse him with a guy that was in, you know, what, with De Niro and Charles Grodin.

00:15:01.000 You know, the road movie. 1.00

00:15:03.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:15:05.000 Midnight Run. 1.00

00:15:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:07.000 What's the guy's name?

00:15:09.000 He reminds me of Stacy Keach, a handsome guy who just died.

00:15:12.000 He's dead, by the way, with a mustache that played the bad guy, Serrano. 1.00

00:15:16.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:15:16.000 This is what happens when I sleep two hours a night. 1.00

00:15:18.000 Do you remember his name, Eric?

00:15:19.000 No?

00:15:20.000 Making some motions over there.

00:15:21.000 I was going to go to you.

00:15:22.000 Go to my backup guy.

00:15:25.000 There's a few of those guys like that.

00:15:27.000 Like, Stacey Keech was always in those... 0.98

00:15:29.000 Charles Grodin?

00:15:30.000 No, not Grodin.

00:15:30.000 The guy that played the bad guy.

00:15:32.000 He's been in every...

00:15:32.000 Dennis Farina.

00:15:33.000 Yes, Dennis Farina.

00:15:35.000 He just died a little while ago.

00:15:36.000 Yeah, he died.

00:15:37.000 He died.

00:15:37.000 Which shocked me.

00:15:38.000 He looked like a healthy, handsome guy who was going to live forever.

00:15:41.000 He did.

00:15:42.000 I wasn't being sarcastic.

00:15:43.000 He did look healthy.

00:15:45.000 He was very vibrant.

00:15:46.000 He was a Chicago cop in real life.

00:15:48.000 Well, that's probably the stress.

00:15:51.000 You're probably right.

00:15:52.000 Probably drank like a fish, right?

00:15:54.000 Well, I was talking to this lady yesterday, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, this brilliant doctor, and she was talking about the effects of aging on the effects of partying, drinking, and just bad health, and how much it can age your body, age literally your biological body.

00:16:09.000 I don't know why I'm looking at you.

00:16:09.000 But Dennis Farina...

00:16:12.000 I'm going to try that.

00:16:13.000 I'm 41 next week.

00:16:15.000 But Dennis Farina, it's good stuff.

00:16:17.000 I'm afraid you don't freak out in here.

00:16:19.000 No, you'd be alright.

00:16:20.000 You sure?

00:16:20.000 We're friends.

00:16:21.000 We'll be together.

00:16:23.000 I'll hold your hand. 0.99

00:16:26.000 But, uh, Dennis Farina, by going through all those years as a cop, you gotta think the fucking stress of that. 0.99

00:16:31.000 You pay for that. 0.98

00:16:33.000 You pay for that for a long time.

00:16:34.000 Yeah.

00:16:34.000 But that's one of the reasons why he was so believable, like in Snatch.

00:16:37.000 That's right.

00:16:37.000 How good was he in Snatch?

00:16:38.000 Oh, that's right, he was in Snatch, yeah. 0.99

00:16:39.000 You believe, even though he was sort of tongue-in-cheek while he was doing it, he was still on board that he was that fucking guy. 0.99

00:16:47.000 You know? 0.99

00:16:48.000 Yeah, he was a good actor, man.

00:16:49.000 Yeah.

00:16:51.000 Yeah, he bummed me out.

00:16:52.000 I was kind of sure.

00:16:52.000 That was a bummer.

00:16:54.000 But listen to this Stacey Keach thing.

00:16:55.000 This is the Stacey Keach, Opie and Anthony thing.

00:16:57.000 New York City, 6 a.m.

00:16:59.000 An out-of-control satellite radio show is being broadcasted to millions of Americans.

00:17:03.000 Here we go.

00:17:04.000 Here's the bit.

00:17:05.000 At the controls, Reg Hugh, the father.

00:17:07.000 I would love to say we have the best job in America. 0.54

00:17:10.000 Anthony Cumia, an alcoholic.

00:17:12.000 It could be the best thing ever.

00:17:14.000 And Jim Norton, a comedian.

00:17:16.000 Out loud.

00:17:16.000 How do we explain the show?

00:17:18.000 We should start there.

00:17:19.000 Oh, here it is.

00:17:20.000 The three men make up the Opie and Anthony Show, a popular radio program known for its cringe style of entertainment and having very few limits. 1.00

00:17:29.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:17:30.000 This is a freak show. 1.00

00:17:31.000 Why would anybody want to come on this show as a guest?

00:17:34.000 Under the right circumstances, something weird could happen. 0.99

00:17:36.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:17:38.000 Laugh out loud, fuck. 1.00

00:17:39.000 Which I love. 1.00

00:17:40.000 That's what I love.

00:17:41.000 In the past, they have been accused of multiple FCC violations and have even gotten their show suspended from satellite radio.

00:17:47.000 When you listen to our show, you know what you get.

00:17:49.000 You know what we are. 1.00

00:17:50.000 Everything has to do with cock or balls. 1.00

00:17:52.000 You know, the jokes all end up talking about cock and balls. 1.00

00:17:55.000 You're a waste of... 1.00

00:18:06.000 Get ready to experience the thrill of a lifetime. 0.98

00:18:11.000 This is the Opie and Anthony Show.

00:18:14.000 So powerful.

00:18:16.000 That's a good voice.

00:18:17.000 That's about as good an intro as any radio guy's ever gotten ever. 1.00

00:18:21.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

00:18:21.000 Just have Stacey Keach read your intro like that. 0.99

00:18:23.000 Yeah, I didn't know that.

00:18:24.000 Joe Rogan started his podcast five years ago.

00:18:28.000 Well, I started that podcast because of Opie and Anthony.

00:18:30.000 Is that right? 0.97

00:18:31.000 Yeah, Brian and I, we had done some other shit before. 0.88

00:18:34.000 We had done, like, Justin TV, and we had done, like, these little things where, you know, you do, like, a little live read off the laptop camera and talk to people and answer Twitter questions and shit. 0.96

00:18:45.000 We fucked around with that a few times.

00:18:46.000 But when Anthony set up his green screen in his basement and started doing that live from the compound show, I was like, whoa. 0.92

00:18:53.000 And Tom Green.

00:18:54.000 Tom Green's house.

00:18:57.000 Insane.

00:18:58.000 He had servers in his house. 1.00

00:19:00.000 Like those fucking long, giant fucking sewer cables running through his living room. 0.99

00:19:05.000 Oh, he had the whole deal! 1.00

00:19:07.000 He had a whole server room.

00:19:08.000 You would go in the room and it was everything. 0.99

00:19:10.000 Those hums of the fans and shit. 0.99

00:19:13.000 You're like, whoa! 1.00

00:19:15.000 I talked to him Monday.

00:19:15.000 I had him on a show, and he meets at this donut place now.

00:19:19.000 He has a studio now in Burbank.

00:19:20.000 He moved it out of his house.

00:19:22.000 And he meets at this donut place next door for his studio audience.

00:19:26.000 He'll periscope and go, anyone who comes to this donut place, you can be a part of my studio audience.

00:19:30.000 And then they all go over to his studio, and they do the show in front of people.

00:19:34.000 Just complete strangers he meets at a donut place.

00:19:37.000 That's perfect for him.

00:19:38.000 Yeah, he was a super pioneer. 0.95

00:19:40.000 Tom Green's show, that fucking original MTV show, very, very underrated show. 0.91

00:19:46.000 He's a pioneer. 0.98

00:19:47.000 Yeah, he's a funny fan.

00:19:48.000 And a good dude, man.

00:19:50.000 Very, very good dude.

00:19:51.000 Yeah, he's a good dude.

00:19:53.000 We need more of them down here. 0.99

00:19:54.000 I think he was on that fucking celebrity pool show that I did. 0.99

00:19:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:59.000 Was he on that too?

00:20:00.000 And that girl from Mad TV? I had that on video. 0.99

00:20:02.000 That's hilarious.

00:20:03.000 Yeah, he was on that, I'm pretty sure.

00:20:05.000 PCV's always been like a really cool dude, you know?

00:20:08.000 Just an interesting, weird guy.

00:20:10.000 And you know what?

00:20:10.000 Didn't start doing stand-up until later in life, and got really good.

00:20:14.000 Like, he had a Showtime special, and I was sitting in front of the TV, and I think he'd only been doing stand-up like four or five years.

00:20:19.000 And it was funny.

00:20:20.000 It was funny, it was well written, it was well put together, he had really good points.

00:20:25.000 It's a bit about texting, what people's thumbs are gonna look like and how they're gonna change. 0.72

00:20:29.000 It was fucking hilarious. 0.82

00:20:30.000 It was really good. 0.99

00:20:31.000 It was like well acted out.

00:20:33.000 I was like, this guy looks like a 10-year comic.

00:20:35.000 But it's just because he had done so many other things, he was like really used to performing.

00:20:39.000 Comfortable in front of people.

00:20:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:40.000 Tom Green's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:20:42.000 He killed it Monday, man. 1.00

00:20:43.000 He had the crowd going crazy.

00:20:45.000 He did a 25-minute set, too, on the show.

00:20:49.000 I'm sure.

00:20:49.000 He's an animal.

00:20:50.000 He's good.

00:20:51.000 He's working hard, too.

00:20:52.000 That's another thing about that guy.

00:20:53.000 He's always doing something.

00:20:54.000 He's always working.

00:20:55.000 He doesn't rest.

00:20:57.000 He's always trying to improve things.

00:20:58.000 So him, that definitely influenced us.

00:21:01.000 But Opie and Anthony did by the way they held their show.

00:21:05.000 They were the only show that I ever went on that was a hang.

00:21:08.000 That's right.

00:21:08.000 I brought guys in.

00:21:10.000 I'm like, hey, this is my friend Eddie.

00:21:11.000 This is my friend Brian.

00:21:12.000 This is my friend Joey.

00:21:12.000 This is my friend Ari.

00:21:13.000 I brought guys in.

00:21:14.000 And they were like, you know, who's this guy?

00:21:16.000 Bring him in.

00:21:16.000 Yeah.

00:21:17.000 You know, and they're just so cool like that.

00:21:19.000 What they did was they turned it into like a fun place to hang out.

00:21:24.000 So everybody got funnier because of that. 0.60

00:21:27.000 Like, it was way, like, Patrice, the kind of shit Patrice did on ONA, you literally could not have done that on any other radio format, because people had to know Patrice, give him the room, like, let him get these rants out, you gotta know, like, when the rants are coming, you gotta help him along, and you gotta not, 0.80

00:21:42.000 like, wanna be the center of attention. 0.93

00:21:45.000 Like, they had the best, the best, uh, control of the room, because, like, Opie would just lay back. 0.83

00:21:51.000 He would just lay, like, literally, you'd see him push back and let Norton and Patrice and you, you guys would all be fucking yelling at each other It would be hilarious.

00:21:58.000 Well, it's smart, actually. 0.99

00:21:59.000 I mean, when you've been doing radio that long, trust me, there's nothing better than having good guests where you can sit back and let them, because you're tired of carrying this shit. 0.88

00:22:07.000 But think about how few shows are ever like that. 0.96

00:22:10.000 That's right.

00:22:10.000 Right?

00:22:10.000 No, it's a great recipe.

00:22:12.000 So few shows.

00:22:12.000 When you did that show with Artie, did they have a format they had you guys stick to?

00:22:17.000 The radio show?

00:22:18.000 Well, yeah, because that was a unique situation because we were also on TV. Right.

00:22:23.000 Simulcast, so direct TV. That was weird.

00:22:24.000 So there had to be more structure, which to me was the problem.

00:22:28.000 And I already wanted less structure, too. 0.95

00:22:32.000 The minute TV got involved, which is where they allowed us to get paid what we did and stuff, But, you know, it takes kind of the fucking craziness. 0.99

00:22:39.000 You can get away with a lot of shit on radio. 0.99

00:22:41.000 You can get away with a lot of shit on radio, and you can get away with a lot of shit on the internet. 1.00

00:22:47.000 And when you look at something that's on DirecTV like that, I'm like, boy, isn't there a better way to advertise? 0.99

00:22:52.000 Can't you guys have just like a ticker at the bottom?

00:22:55.000 Wouldn't that be a better way to advertise?

00:22:57.000 It just seems like breaking it up. 0.82

00:22:59.000 And doing every 15 minutes, you do like however long it is, like seven minutes or eight minutes off the air where it's just bullshit and commercials, then you come back. 0.68

00:23:07.000 It breaks up the whole flow.

00:23:09.000 Like conversations, like the best conversations, like this conversation, like we're having fun.

00:23:14.000 It's organic and it keeps going.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, we're banging.

00:23:16.000 If we go, all right, we'll be right back.

00:23:17.000 We have a word from, and then we'd have to start all over again.

00:23:20.000 It is.

00:23:21.000 It's momentum and rhythm.

00:23:22.000 You're right.

00:23:22.000 It's like the difference between driving on the highway and taking side roads.

00:23:25.000 Like, if you took side roads and there's an open highway next to you, you're an asshole. 1.00

00:23:28.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:23:29.000 You know? 1.00

00:23:30.000 But some people, they take the fucking side roads, goddammit. 1.00

00:23:34.000 Side roads driving motherfuckers. 1.00

00:23:37.000 I'll tell you that, that Waze app, do you have that on your phone? 0.99

00:23:40.000 It's amazing.

00:23:42.000 Because, you know, I lived out here 15 years ago. 0.98

00:23:44.000 I don't remember the streets of the fucker. 0.99

00:23:45.000 I've been relying on this thing all week. 0.99

00:23:47.000 It's been taking me around traffic.

00:23:49.000 You know, I'm supposed to be on the 101. It kicks me off, and I'm looking at people sitting in traffic.

00:23:53.000 And like you said, up over hills and shit, but I'm still moving. 0.93

00:23:55.000 It's incredible. 0.99

00:23:56.000 I'd rather move and be late.

00:23:58.000 But you're not even late.

00:23:58.000 It gets you there faster.

00:24:00.000 I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. 0.98

00:24:02.000 It's amazing. 0.97

00:24:02.000 Do you hear what they're doing, though? 0.97

00:24:03.000 Some people in neighborhoods are pissed off because sometimes Waze will direct it through their neighborhoods.

00:24:08.000 So now these people in neighborhoods are putting fake, like...

00:24:11.000 Reports.

00:24:12.000 Yeah, once again, selfishness rubs. 1.00

00:24:15.000 Goddamn selfish motherfuckers, Nick DiPaolo. 1.00

00:24:17.000 A little traffic in the fucking Bel Air area. 1.00

00:24:20.000 Yeah, well, you remember when the... 0.99

00:24:22.000 And cops, too.

00:24:23.000 Cops are pissed because it lets people know where the cops are and seeing as, you know, it seems to be open season on that.

00:24:28.000 Well, cops are faking it. 0.99

00:24:28.000 That's a legitimate point. 0.99

00:24:29.000 Cops are faking it. 0.87

00:24:30.000 They're, like, putting fake cop, like, warnings up in spots.

00:24:34.000 So people are, like, looking around everywhere.

00:24:36.000 Good, they're fighting back now?

00:24:37.000 Is that where we...

00:24:39.000 We're fighting back with deception.

00:24:42.000 I don't think that should be legal because it's our tax dollars. 0.98

00:24:46.000 I don't want to pay tax dollars if somebody's fucking lying to me. 1.00

00:24:48.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

00:24:49.000 You're lying to Waze? 1.00

00:24:50.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:24:52.000 It's like this shit that's going on. 1.00

00:24:54.000 What was this other case? 1.00

00:24:56.000 Oh, PETA and SeaWorld. 0.99

00:24:59.000 That a SeaWorld guy had infiltrated PETA and was working from the inside at PETA to try to destroy PETA by saying a bunch of ridiculous shit, and he was an employee of SeaWorld. 0.99

00:25:10.000 Is that right? 0.99

00:25:11.000 Oh, man.

00:25:12.000 That would be a good documentary.

00:25:14.000 I hope I'm getting that right.

00:25:14.000 Let me make sure I'm getting that right, because it might be the other way around.

00:25:17.000 Either way, it would make for a great movie.

00:25:19.000 Yeah, right?

00:25:20.000 Yeah.

00:25:20.000 That'd be like a good Jim Carrey movie.

00:25:22.000 Yeah.

00:25:23.000 Are you guys ready for Divorce Fest this year?

00:25:26.000 Once the Ashley Madison passwords get put into a searchable database online? 0.99

00:25:31.000 Yeah, it's going to cause a wave of shit. 0.99

00:25:35.000 It's going to be crazy. 1.00

00:25:36.000 We finally let gay people marry each other, get that right. 1.00

00:25:40.000 Now regular marriage is fucked. 1.00

00:25:44.000 I'm looking at all my friends' wives going, huh... 1.00

00:25:48.000 You're next. 0.98

00:25:49.000 That's why I stick to whacking it. 0.92

00:25:50.000 It's a good move.

00:25:51.000 It's a good move.

00:25:52.000 It's way safer.

00:25:53.000 PETA says, undercover SeaWorld employee posed as animal rights activist.

00:25:57.000 So I did have it right.

00:25:58.000 That's hilarious.

00:25:59.000 Really overzealous SeaWorld employee, like Paul Blart mall cop style.

00:26:05.000 Jeez.

00:26:05.000 That would be a great movie, dude.

00:26:07.000 It would, you're right.

00:26:08.000 Come on.

00:26:08.000 You could just call somebody.

00:26:09.000 You know, if I was in the movie world, I would call somebody.

00:26:13.000 Melissa McCarthy will be the whale. 0.98

00:26:15.000 Oh, how dare you.

00:26:17.000 I love her.

00:26:18.000 I think she's the funniest woman around.

00:26:21.000 She's very funny.

00:26:22.000 She's very physically funny, for sure. 0.55

00:26:24.000 She's very talented.

00:26:25.000 Yeah.

00:26:25.000 It's funny, because Billy Gardell is a funny comic.

00:26:27.000 You know Billy, right?

00:26:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:28.000 They don't, like, on the show, he's almost like a straight guy.

00:26:31.000 Of course.

00:26:33.000 You know?

00:26:33.000 Wouldn't want the husband getting one over on the wife, would you, Joe?

00:26:35.000 They don't allow that.

00:26:36.000 Of course not.

00:26:38.000 Why is that?

00:26:38.000 What's up with that?

00:26:39.000 Because jerk-offs run Hollywood. 0.92

00:26:42.000 Is that what it is? 0.97

00:26:43.000 Is that what people want to see?

00:26:45.000 Do people want to see that?

00:26:46.000 No, they don't want to see that. 1.00

00:26:47.000 Fucking Hollywood's been hijacked by fucking feminists. 1.00

00:26:50.000 Wow. 1.00

00:26:51.000 You really think so?

00:26:52.000 Am I wrong there? 0.99

00:26:52.000 If you guys can't relate to that, I'm fucking leaving. 0.99

00:26:54.000 You haven't noticed a pattern of emasculation in movies in the last 20 years? 0.99

00:26:59.000 I think there's people that are seriously concerned with coming off as progressive.

00:27:04.000 And even if they think differently than what would be the progressive choice, they will make the progressive choice because they get social brownie points.

00:27:11.000 I definitely think that's true.

00:27:12.000 But I don't think that pertains to sitcoms.

00:27:15.000 I think it's not as funny if the dude gets over on the chick for some reason.

00:27:18.000 Yeah, it is.

00:27:19.000 Oh, dude, come on.

00:27:21.000 This is a true story.

00:27:22.000 I might have told you this on the last time I was here.

00:27:24.000 I had a deal with, this was years ago, with Dennis Larry's company.

00:27:28.000 We'd come out here and take a bunch of meetings.

00:27:30.000 They had a sitcom idea.

00:27:33.000 First of all, every meeting, 75% of the room was female executives. 1.00

00:27:39.000 The first question in every meeting was, what's the wife's role? 1.00

00:27:43.000 Every fucking one. 0.99

00:27:44.000 So by the time we got to NBC, which was the last one, And I had fucking had it. 0.99

00:27:49.000 And they're like, so what's the wife? 1.00

00:27:50.000 I go, and again, I was just kidding, but I go, I don't know, I see like in the pilot, she's pregnant, and I push her down the cell of stairs. 0.99

00:27:58.000 And I'm expecting, like, Dennis to start laughing, and Serper goes, Jimmy Serper goes, and they all just look at me, you could have fucking her in a pen. 0.95

00:28:05.000 So the next day, Jimmy Serper had to send a dozen roses to the lady from NBC. Oh my god. 0.99

00:28:12.000 You wonder why I can't get a gig?

00:28:17.000 Thank God you threw me a news radio and a few breaks under fires. 0.99

00:28:21.000 I'd still be using my fucking, you know, my high school acting. 0.99

00:28:25.000 You almost got fucked out of the news radio gig. 0.99

00:28:27.000 Remember, we had to go back and get you. 0.99

00:28:29.000 That was hilarious, man.

00:28:30.000 There was some shenanigans behind the scenes.

00:28:33.000 Somebody was trying to get their friend in on the part that Nick was playing, and I had cast Nick as my one brother and Callan as my other brother.

00:28:41.000 I'm like, if you want it to be funny, how about I bring you two really funny stand-ups that I'm actually friends with?

00:28:46.000 Like, let's just do it this way. 0.99

00:28:47.000 And so Paul Sims was like, yeah, fuck it. 1.00

00:28:50.000 Perfect. 1.00

00:28:50.000 Like, he saw you, he'd seen some stand-up. 1.00

00:28:52.000 He was like, you guys are hilarious.

00:28:53.000 Perfect.

00:28:53.000 Bring him in.

00:28:54.000 And so you came in, and all of a sudden, you know, Nick calls me up and goes, I guess I didn't get the fucking job. 0.98

00:28:59.000 I don't know what happened. 0.97

00:29:00.000 I went, what?

00:29:01.000 And we had to go back down there.

00:29:03.000 They had cast somebody else.

00:29:04.000 We made them switch it around.

00:29:07.000 I didn't even get home and call you.

00:29:09.000 You came running out.

00:29:11.000 Yeah.

00:29:11.000 Remember, I was walking to my car.

00:29:12.000 That's right. 1.00

00:29:13.000 I was walking to my car going, there's another one down the fucking toilet. 0.99

00:29:16.000 I'll be back in Boston in another six weeks if this keeps up. 1.00

00:29:19.000 And Joe comes running out of nowhere and goes, they fucked up the...

00:29:22.000 And then I'm going, now I'm saying, thinking to myself, is Joe just being a great guy? 0.99

00:29:26.000 I don't want to fuck over a guy who actually was better than me in the audition. 0.98

00:29:29.000 No. 0.99

00:29:30.000 I didn't, you know?

00:29:31.000 No, no, it wasn't that at all.

00:29:33.000 It wasn't that at all.

00:29:34.000 You was already decided.

00:29:35.000 See, I didn't know that.

00:29:36.000 Somebody snuck in.

00:29:37.000 The decision was made by Paul, who was the executive producer.

00:29:41.000 He thought you were hilarious.

00:29:43.000 And he loved the idea, since we're already friends.

00:29:45.000 Like, this would be perfect.

00:29:46.000 Don't know each other.

00:29:46.000 And we look like we could be brothers.

00:29:48.000 We have this antagonistic relationship on the show. 0.98

00:29:51.000 You know, Callan and I beat the fuck out of each other. 0.97

00:29:53.000 He throws me through a glass window. 0.99

00:29:54.000 It was like stooges.

00:29:55.000 It was fun.

00:29:56.000 I got thrown through one of those candy glasses.

00:29:59.000 You don't even feel it, man.

00:30:00.000 It just dissolves.

00:30:02.000 You go flying, you hit it, and it just dissolves.

00:30:04.000 It's real weird.

00:30:05.000 You're waiting to get cut open.

00:30:07.000 You're waiting like, oh, it's going to be ugly.

00:30:09.000 I remember that.

00:30:09.000 Yeah, that was fun.

00:30:10.000 And we had another scene where we were supposed to, I don't know if we were beating you up or one of the brothers, but we were hitting you with a glass coffee pot over the head, and we started stomping on you, and they watched you through the thing, and they go, it looks like Goodfellas.

00:30:22.000 It looks like you're killing somebody.

00:30:24.000 Apparently I was too Italian for this. 0.86

00:30:27.000 I had the suit jacket on.

00:30:28.000 I'm doing this like De Niro.

00:30:30.000 I'm stomping on it.

00:30:31.000 With a fake glass coffee pot.

00:30:34.000 That was awesome.

00:30:34.000 That sugar glass.

00:30:35.000 Yeah, that was fun.

00:30:36.000 I forgot about that. 0.99

00:30:37.000 You know, it's funny how your memory fucks with you. 0.99

00:30:39.000 Well, that's weed, Joe. 1.00

00:30:40.000 No, no, no, no.

00:30:41.000 20 years.

00:30:43.000 That was 20 years ago.

00:30:45.000 Really?

00:30:46.000 I don't want to hear that.

00:30:47.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:30:48.000 I think it was.

00:30:49.000 No, it has to be.

00:30:50.000 It was 95. You're right.

00:30:51.000 I was out in L.A. in 95 to 99, so it was one of those years.

00:30:55.000 And that's what I can't believe.

00:30:56.000 I'm driving around out here.

00:30:57.000 I'm looking at people who were my age when I came out here.

00:31:01.000 Yeah, the cycle.

00:31:03.000 I mean, gay guys used to look at me out here.

00:31:04.000 They don't even look at me now. 0.95

00:31:05.000 Even gay guys, I get offended. 1.00

00:31:06.000 We can work on a few things and we can get it back.

00:31:09.000 We can get it back.

00:31:11.000 You're a handsome guy.

00:31:13.000 P90X it again.

00:31:14.000 Last time you were here, you were telling me about you did the P90X. You lost a ton of weight.

00:31:17.000 I did.

00:31:17.000 You got a real fit.

00:31:18.000 I did that.

00:31:19.000 You know, I'm supposed to do it for three months. 0.99

00:31:20.000 I did it for like 13 months and turned my hips into fucking fine powder. 0.96

00:31:24.000 So now I'm doing Sean T. I'm doing Sean T. 30 minute insanity. 0.99

00:31:29.000 You gotta stay with it!

00:31:30.000 You gotta stay focused!

00:31:32.000 You got to stay within yourself!

00:31:33.000 You got to stay focused!

00:31:35.000 What's better?

00:31:37.000 P90X or that?

00:31:38.000 Is this all body weight?

00:31:40.000 Is that what it is?

00:31:40.000 Yeah, there's no way.

00:31:41.000 You know what, Joe?

00:31:42.000 It's pretty close.

00:31:43.000 I did this insanity thing.

00:31:45.000 But you know what? 0.99

00:31:46.000 I fucking like it. 0.98

00:31:47.000 And here's the funny thing, Joe. 0.99

00:31:48.000 Here's the hilarious thing.

00:31:49.000 I'm doing this, and I figure everybody in the video is in their 20s, and, you know, 30 at the oldest.

00:31:56.000 So I'm doing a lot of the modified exercises.

00:31:58.000 You know, they always have the fat chick in the front that's doing modified exercises. 1.00

00:32:02.000 Everybody else is doing, like, one-hour push-ups, and me and Catherine are going like this.

00:32:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:08.000 I go, this will get me in shape by 2046. But you know what?

00:32:12.000 It gets your heart rate through the roof.

00:32:14.000 I mean, and I just do it to maintain now.

00:32:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:32:18.000 But it works.

00:32:18.000 I mean, it's...

00:32:19.000 You can get really good workouts from bodyweight exercises.

00:32:24.000 This is a bunch of them that you can do. 0.89

00:32:26.000 There's like a bunch of full body weight routines that you can do that are fucking incredible. 0.99

00:32:31.000 They'll kill you. 0.99

00:32:32.000 They'll break you down.

00:32:33.000 Yeah, these have the, you know, you're doing those burpee push-ups and suicides and 30 minutes with it, you know, and you get a break like every five minutes, you get like a 10-second break.

00:32:41.000 And it keeps my, you know, it allows me to have cigarettes after I work on it.

00:32:45.000 You could do that on the Xbox with the camera that records you so it knows if you're not doing the arm high enough. 0.99

00:32:52.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99

00:32:52.000 I need that at this point. 0.99

00:32:53.000 And it tracks how much, like what your person is.

00:32:55.000 That's incredible.

00:32:56.000 I look at my belly if you want to see.

00:32:58.000 That'll tell me I'm not doing it right.

00:32:59.000 I've always said that that would be a really good way to teach martial arts.

00:33:02.000 They have that.

00:33:03.000 Do they have it?

00:33:04.000 Do they teach it?

00:33:05.000 They have all that stuff now.

00:33:07.000 And it uses the body tracking and it can tell how much calories you've burned.

00:33:13.000 And it's really cool to have.

00:33:14.000 That I would like.

00:33:15.000 What I mean is to teach you.

00:33:16.000 Because if you did an instructional and you're showing a guy how to throw a kick, if you put it on a computer where the lines of the guy's legs were clearly defined, you would know if his knee wasn't high enough or if his hands were down or if his back was...

00:33:31.000 Is this it right here?

00:33:32.000 UFC has a quick workout with Greg Jackson.

00:33:35.000 Oh, and so the one on the right is the guy?

00:33:37.000 The little thing in the triangle is the guy?

00:33:39.000 I didn't even see that.

00:33:40.000 That's you.

00:33:41.000 That's like the little video of you.

00:33:42.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:33:44.000 And it's like, what, infrared or something like that?

00:33:45.000 So I could tell where your hot spots are.

00:33:48.000 And read your heart rate, too.

00:33:49.000 Oh my god, by looking at you?

00:33:50.000 Yeah, Xbox One.

00:33:51.000 What? 0.99

00:33:52.000 Are you shitting me? 0.99

00:33:53.000 It reads your heart rate by looking at you? 0.99

00:33:56.000 It's thermal camera.

00:33:57.000 That's insane.

00:33:57.000 And we can't beat ISIS, really?

00:34:00.000 Are you fucking shitting me? 0.99

00:34:01.000 Okay, it's because we don't want to be nicest. 1.00

00:34:04.000 We want to keep an enemy out there.

00:34:06.000 Maybe.

00:34:07.000 Do you think that?

00:34:08.000 No.

00:34:08.000 Oh, here's Frank Muir right here.

00:34:11.000 UFC personal trainer hitting the mitts with Frank Muir.

00:34:14.000 Oh, wow.

00:34:15.000 Look at this.

00:34:16.000 You throw your punches at his hands. 1.00

00:34:20.000 How many people are gonna punch their fucking TV? This is a terrible idea. 1.00

00:34:24.000 No, you're not standing close to your TV. How many people have punched their TV since this came out?

00:34:30.000 Oh, people do stand close to their TV, man.

00:34:34.000 It's a good idea.

00:34:35.000 I think the way it would be better, though, is if it was a split screen and the character, your character, was much larger.

00:34:45.000 Right now it's that little green guy that was on the Flintstones sitting on your show.

00:34:49.000 Kazoo.

00:34:50.000 Kazoo! 0.52

00:34:51.000 I forgot!

00:34:53.000 That's what it looks like.

00:34:54.000 That's exactly what it looks like.

00:34:56.000 I'm over here.

00:34:57.000 Kazoo.

00:34:58.000 You remember Kazoo?

00:34:59.000 Yeah.

00:35:00.000 That's hilarious.

00:35:01.000 Who did the voice of Kazoo?

00:35:02.000 I know you can find that.

00:35:02.000 What was his voice?

00:35:03.000 Because I remember.

00:35:04.000 I feel like I used to get it.

00:35:05.000 I know.

00:35:05.000 I'm doing Kermit.

00:35:07.000 Is that you?

00:35:08.000 Yes, it's me right here.

00:35:10.000 I'm on the shorter note.

00:35:11.000 That's not it.

00:35:12.000 That's kind of like it. 0.76

00:35:13.000 Maybe like less gay? 0.98

00:35:14.000 Yeah.

00:35:15.000 The great Kazoo.

00:35:16.000 I'm over here. 0.97

00:35:17.000 I think it's more gay, actually. 0.98

00:35:19.000 Who did the voice? 0.95

00:35:22.000 Harvey Korman.

00:35:22.000 Oh, Harvey Korman from the Carol Burnett Show.

00:35:25.000 Oh, wow.

00:35:26.000 Remember him?

00:35:26.000 Yeah.

00:35:26.000 Funny motherfucker.

00:35:28.000 That was a great fucking show. 1.00

00:35:29.000 He's been gone a while, too. 1.00

00:35:31.000 Think about that, man.

00:35:32.000 Something like the Carol Burnett Show.

00:35:34.000 That was a show back when there was only like three shows.

00:35:36.000 That's right.

00:35:37.000 Exactly.

00:35:38.000 And they were good.

00:35:39.000 They were very good. 1.00

00:35:40.000 The Honeymooners is a good fucking show. 0.99

00:35:42.000 Awesome, awesome. 1.00

00:35:43.000 For like that kind of a sitcom, it is a good fucking show. 0.95

00:35:47.000 My wife, she DVRs the Carol Burnett show now. 0.99

00:35:50.000 I watch a couple's laughing my balls off.

00:35:51.000 They're good, man.

00:35:52.000 I mean, the writing is funny and smart.

00:35:55.000 What's up?

00:35:55.000 Do you want to hear his voice?

00:35:56.000 Yeah.

00:35:57.000 Wait, that's...

00:36:01.000 I don't know what's going on there.

00:36:08.000 Listen to it first.

00:36:09.000 That's a song.

00:36:11.000 The Great Kazoo Song.

00:36:13.000 Um, oh, Lucille Ball. 1.00

00:36:15.000 Like, that was another fucking... 1.00

00:36:16.000 I Love Lucy was a great fucking show. 1.00

00:36:18.000 Yeah, I liked the dialogue between her and her husband, but when I got into the silly shit with her falling into chocolate and shit, which is what made her famous... 0.99

00:36:25.000 Did you think that was hilarious? 0.99

00:36:26.000 I don't know.

00:36:27.000 She lost me a little bit there.

00:36:28.000 I did.

00:36:29.000 I loved it.

00:36:29.000 But well-written show.

00:36:30.000 And he came up with it.

00:36:32.000 The three-camera shoot thing? 0.98

00:36:34.000 That was back when it was okay for a white chick to bang a Cuban guy, too. 1.00

00:36:37.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:36:38.000 They can't do that in there?

00:36:38.000 They beat up by it.

00:36:39.000 Well, Cuba was, like, sophisticated.

00:36:42.000 Like, in the 50s, in the 60s, people would go down there on vacation.

00:36:47.000 It was very mobbed up.

00:36:49.000 They'd go down there and gamble.

00:36:50.000 It was a wild place.

00:36:52.000 So a guy from Cuba was like a romantic guy. 0.99

00:36:54.000 A guy who was a fucking musician from Cuba was like, whoa, this guy's exciting. 0.98

00:36:59.000 He's exotic. 0.99

00:37:00.000 It was a good thing for her to be dating this guy with this funky accent. 0.97

00:37:05.000 Whereas from then on, from the embargo on, it became, you know, this enemy that lived off our shores and the Castro years and all that crazy shit and the Bay of Pigs and the fucking Russian missiles where they're putting missiles in Cuba, 0.98

00:37:21.000 facing America. 0.99

00:37:22.000 It got fucking crazy. 0.98

00:37:23.000 And that was all post-I Love Lucy, which is pretty fucking fascinating. 0.98

00:37:28.000 I blame it on her, now that you mention it.

00:37:30.000 Now you really put it together.

00:37:36.000 That Fred Mertz, I'll tell you, he was a real anti-Cuban guy.

00:37:39.000 I saw Carol Burnett last year.

00:37:41.000 I saw her in a restaurant. 0.64

00:37:42.000 Did you really?

00:37:43.000 She's hanging in there.

00:37:44.000 Carol Burnett's hanging in there.

00:37:46.000 She looked good, man.

00:37:47.000 Is she still alive?

00:37:48.000 Yeah, she looked very healthy.

00:37:49.000 Very healthy, very vibrant, talking to the waitress.

00:37:53.000 She was on a talk show.

00:37:54.000 She did.

00:37:54.000 She looked...

00:37:55.000 She's got to be over 80. She's got to be.

00:37:58.000 Way over 80. And how about Betty White? 0.69

00:37:59.000 She's 82. She's 82?

00:38:00.000 I just saw Betty White jogging by this building like 10 minutes ago. 1.00

00:38:03.000 For real?

00:38:04.000 No.

00:38:07.000 Yeah, that's how you know when things are bad for you.

00:38:10.000 Do 80-year-old ladies do it? 1.00

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:11.000 Then don't do it.

00:38:12.000 Exactly.

00:38:13.000 I used to make fun of these workouts.

00:38:15.000 People jumping around in the living room. 1.00

00:38:16.000 I go, how the fuck? 0.99

00:38:17.000 These people really think I'm going to get in shape? 1.00

00:38:19.000 I do this.

00:38:19.000 Now I live for it.

00:38:20.000 You love those things.

00:38:21.000 You do.

00:38:22.000 They, uh...

00:38:24.000 My problem, and you know this, Joe, when you get your heart rate up, the next two days I'm starving.

00:38:29.000 Right.

00:38:29.000 I can't stop, and I have no willpower.

00:38:32.000 My wife, she's one of these people that, you know, fucking eats anything and doesn't gain weight. 1.00

00:38:36.000 I can't go to bed until I eat, you know, three sandwiches. 1.00

00:38:41.000 Like a pig? 0.95

00:38:41.000 I can't help myself. 0.95

00:38:42.000 What do you do?

00:38:44.000 Does weed kill the hunger?

00:38:46.000 No, not at all.

00:38:47.000 Coke?

00:38:48.000 Do I have to go back to doing coke?

00:38:49.000 Then I wouldn't have to exercise if I did that.

00:38:51.000 I think it's just about moderation.

00:38:54.000 You gotta give yourself moderation. 0.97

00:38:56.000 Give yourself one night a week where you really go off and you're allowed to have sandwiches, you're allowed to fucking stay up and eat cookies and milk. 0.97

00:39:02.000 That's what I do. 0.99

00:39:03.000 I'll have like a night a week where I just eat like a fucking slob in front of the TV. But that's like going, you know, get a nice blowjob and then fucking no more blowjobs for another six days. 1.00

00:39:15.000 So you need it again? 1.00

00:39:16.000 You need those cookies again?

00:39:17.000 I have no willpower. 1.00

00:39:18.000 I don't eat cookies and shit. 1.00

00:39:21.000 What do you eat? 1.00

00:39:21.000 What's your thing? 1.00

00:39:22.000 I don't know.

00:39:24.000 Pastrami.

00:39:27.000 No, I'm not even like a junk food guy, but my wife is. 1.00

00:39:30.000 I open the thing and there's a fucking eight pound bag of smart cheddar popcorn. 0.98

00:39:34.000 I love cooking for myself late at night. 0.99

00:39:36.000 Everyone's asleep.

00:39:37.000 I cook all the time.

00:39:38.000 Sometimes I'll just cook a full meal for myself.

00:39:41.000 Late at night?

00:39:42.000 Late at night.

00:39:42.000 Two o'clock in the morning.

00:39:43.000 I'll make vegetables, I'll make some pasta.

00:39:46.000 I'm like, why not? 0.98

00:39:48.000 I'm a grown ass man. 0.93

00:39:49.000 And you're going to work out the next day. 0.99

00:39:50.000 Yeah, I pay taxes, goddammit. 0.88

00:39:53.000 No, you're right. 0.84

00:39:53.000 Life's too short. 0.84

00:39:54.000 Yeah, why not? 1.00

00:39:55.000 I'm a fucking comic. 0.98

00:39:56.000 If I want to be up at 2 o'clock in the morning, I never went to bed before 4 o'clock in the morning until I was almost 30 years old. 0.99

00:40:02.000 Yeah, no, I'm the same way.

00:40:03.000 Unless I had to work.

00:40:04.000 Even now, though.

00:40:05.000 Do you make proper meals?

00:40:06.000 Or do you make, like, inventions? 1.00

00:40:08.000 Sometimes it's bullshit. 0.99

00:40:09.000 You know, sometimes I'll do a Blue Apron. 0.99

00:40:11.000 I'll do one of those Blue Apron meals.

00:40:13.000 Have you ever seen that?

00:40:13.000 It's one of my sponsors.

00:40:14.000 I'm not trying to work in a sponsor.

00:40:15.000 No, I know.

00:40:16.000 You don't like that.

00:40:17.000 It's great.

00:40:17.000 They give you this detailed directions for how to cook something with photographs and all the right portions, all the right food and the right portions.

00:40:25.000 And you just cook it.

00:40:26.000 You just follow it. 1.00

00:40:27.000 It's idiot-proof. 1.00

00:40:28.000 And it's great. 1.00

00:40:29.000 Like, you don't have to measure anything.

00:40:31.000 You just say, oh, next step.

00:40:32.000 Open that packet, throw that in there, mix that up, and then put the fish on the grill.

00:40:36.000 You know, see?

00:40:37.000 And it's...

00:40:37.000 Yeah, see, you're making a nice fish in the grill with two in the morning.

00:40:40.000 I'm making a six-pound bourgeois, which is, you know, stuff with mozzarella and salami.

00:40:45.000 My favorite thing is grilling meat in my underwear late at night. 1.00

00:40:49.000 Fuck underwear. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Fuck underwear? 1.00

00:40:52.000 Your dick must be scarred to shit. 1.00

00:40:54.000 Yeah, the hot splatters. 1.00

00:40:55.000 I want to protect my balls and shaft at the very least. 0.99

00:40:59.000 Everything else. 0.99

00:41:00.000 I'll deal with a little hot grease splatter on my stomach.

00:41:03.000 It looks sexy.

00:41:04.000 More wounds.

00:41:06.000 Do you still do the kettlebell thing?

00:41:07.000 Yeah, I still do that.

00:41:08.000 You look good.

00:41:09.000 Thank you.

00:41:11.000 There's a great video I do called the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workout.

00:41:15.000 It's this one little kettlebell.

00:41:17.000 You could do it like a 35-pounder, or if you want to get crazy, go to 45 pounds.

00:41:20.000 So it's not a heavy weight.

00:41:22.000 Swinging at P. Diddy's, kid?

00:41:25.000 No, he swung at the coach.

00:41:27.000 That was almost perfect.

00:41:29.000 I was in such a rush to get it out, I butchered it. 1.00

00:41:32.000 This goddamn coffee is delicious. 0.99

00:41:34.000 I'm on my fifth pot. 1.00

00:41:35.000 I'm going to have to fucking take a hit of that giant slumminer. 1.00

00:41:38.000 It might not slow you down. 0.99

00:41:40.000 Is that right? 0.99

00:41:41.000 It might fucking turn you... 0.99

00:41:42.000 So what did Pete, did he not... 0.99

00:41:43.000 He didn't make contact.

00:41:44.000 No.

00:41:45.000 He swung it.

00:41:45.000 Yeah, just being his level-headed self, you know.

00:41:48.000 Yeah.

00:41:50.000 How's that work?

00:41:51.000 That's not good.

00:41:52.000 He got off.

00:41:53.000 He, you know...

00:41:54.000 Is it done?

00:41:54.000 Yeah, they dropped the chair.

00:41:56.000 They didn't want to press charges.

00:41:58.000 Really?

00:41:58.000 Yeah, which probably means a big, huge thing of cash.

00:42:03.000 God fucking... 0.99

00:42:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:05.000 And that coach has had a bit of a history himself.

00:42:08.000 Like, he's the guy that tripped the guy on the sideline when he was coaching for the Jets.

00:42:12.000 Oh, really?

00:42:12.000 Against the Miami Dolphins.

00:42:14.000 The guy was covering a punt, and, you know, he ran out of bounds.

00:42:17.000 And this coach sticks his foot out.

00:42:18.000 They got him on slow motion tripping the guy.

00:42:20.000 That's hilarious.

00:42:21.000 I kind of like a guy for that.

00:42:22.000 I don't know why.

00:42:23.000 That sounds like a real fun guy to have coach.

00:42:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:26.000 Sounds like it would be really hard not to beat that guy's ass. 1.00

00:42:30.000 It's like Sal Ian News or some, you know, some Italian guy from Long Island. 1.00

00:42:34.000 I don't know.

00:42:35.000 I know almost nothing about sports, unfortunately.

00:42:38.000 And when Artie came on to do the podcast, he was so upset with me.

00:42:43.000 He was so upset with me.

00:42:44.000 I told him I turned vegan and started...

00:42:49.000 You're not vegan, are you?

00:42:50.000 No.

00:42:50.000 But it was like that.

00:42:51.000 He was like, what?

00:42:54.000 Really?

00:42:54.000 You don't follow anything?

00:42:56.000 I was like, no, I don't follow anything.

00:42:57.000 Not baseball.

00:42:59.000 Like, he was like, he was incredulous.

00:43:00.000 Like, there's no way.

00:43:01.000 Well, you're a UFC guy.

00:43:02.000 You got enough going on, don't you? 0.97

00:43:04.000 I mean, that's the fucking hottest sport going. 0.97

00:43:06.000 Well, I watch professional pool. 1.00

00:43:08.000 It's not like I'm not into stupid shit. 1.00

00:43:11.000 I just don't have enough time for any other things. 1.00

00:43:13.000 Did you play him in pool?

00:43:14.000 Because he can shoot.

00:43:14.000 He plays good.

00:43:15.000 I know.

00:43:15.000 He played good, yeah.

00:43:16.000 He's hustling people like in Newark when he was 12. That's what he said.

00:43:19.000 I believe him.

00:43:20.000 He plays good.

00:43:21.000 Artie's a fun dude, man. 0.99

00:43:23.000 He's a funny fucking dude. 0.96

00:43:25.000 He was a perfect example of a great joke that, you know, people didn't just cry too soon. 0.99

00:43:32.000 They said, you can't even say this. 0.98

00:43:34.000 And this was when Artie said that he was banging this black chick. 1.00

00:43:39.000 And in the middle of it, she goes, I can't breathe. 0.96

00:43:42.000 He goes, hey, honey, let's not make this political.

00:43:46.000 And this was right after Eric Garner was killed. 0.97

00:43:50.000 I mean, it was fucking hilarious. 0.94

00:43:53.000 And so many people were mad at him. 0.96

00:43:55.000 I could not stop laughing when I heard it.

00:43:58.000 I could not stop laughing.

00:44:00.000 Not because I think it's funny that the guy got choked.

00:44:03.000 I'm 100% against that. 0.98

00:44:04.000 But that is a goddamn funny joke. 0.98

00:44:06.000 That's why it's funny. 1.00

00:44:07.000 And if you can't see the funny in that, it's either because you're friends with Eric Gardner or you're an asshole. 1.00

00:44:12.000 Right. 1.00

00:44:13.000 That's it.

00:44:13.000 Yeah.

00:44:14.000 That's it.

00:44:14.000 You don't think that's funny?

00:44:15.000 Come on, that's fucking funny. 0.99

00:44:16.000 That's fucking hilarious. 1.00

00:44:19.000 Absolutely. 0.99

00:44:19.000 That's Artie. 0.99

00:44:20.000 He's a fucking character, man. 1.00

00:44:22.000 Let me ask you something, Joe. 1.00

00:44:23.000 I'm doing this club tonight, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.

00:44:26.000 I heard it's really good.

00:44:27.000 I'm doing that next month.

00:44:28.000 Artie's really good.

00:44:29.000 I think Callen...

00:44:29.000 No, I haven't done it.

00:44:30.000 Callen just did it, though.

00:44:31.000 Oh, he did?

00:44:32.000 He said it was amazing.

00:44:33.000 I think it was Callen?

00:44:33.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Callen.

00:44:35.000 Or Duncan? 0.99

00:44:36.000 Who the fuck did it? 1.00

00:44:37.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:44:38.000 I think it was Callan.

00:44:39.000 Yeah.

00:44:39.000 But I've heard great things.

00:44:40.000 Yeah, I'm there next month.

00:44:41.000 That area is very ignored.

00:44:43.000 Like Ventura and into Santa Barbara.

00:44:45.000 Santa Barbara's very ignored.

00:44:46.000 That's what worries me.

00:44:48.000 It's a great spot.

00:44:49.000 No, it's cool.

00:44:49.000 No, I mean ignored by comics.

00:44:51.000 Is that right? 0.99

00:44:51.000 Yeah, fucking Santa Barbara's one of the best places. 0.99

00:44:54.000 You know, and if you go out there, they don't... 0.99

00:44:56.000 Well, it's not that far up, thank God.

00:44:57.000 No, Santa Barbara's an hour from here.

00:44:59.000 No, but this isn't Ventura.

00:45:00.000 This isn't Ventura.

00:45:01.000 Ventura's close.

00:45:02.000 It's 45 minutes.

00:45:04.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:45:05.000 That's a good spot, man.

00:45:06.000 You know, they're doing a levity out there.

00:45:09.000 They're going to do a levity out in that area.

00:45:11.000 Are they really?

00:45:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:12.000 I saw it the other day.

00:45:13.000 I was driving by. 1.00

00:45:15.000 Maybe they'll let me do the one that's 20 minutes from my fucking house. 0.99

00:45:17.000 Maybe they'll do it. 0.99

00:45:18.000 Are you going to live here again?

00:45:19.000 No, there's one.

00:45:21.000 I live in Westchester County, New York.

00:45:22.000 I thought you meant out here.

00:45:23.000 And you go over the Tappan Zee Bridge.

00:45:25.000 It's literally the levity live there at the mall.

00:45:28.000 It's like 22 minutes from me.

00:45:29.000 And I haven't done a weekend yet.

00:45:31.000 Never?

00:45:32.000 Nope.

00:45:32.000 How dare they?

00:45:33.000 Oh, they have problems.

00:45:34.000 But I'm doing one in January, finally.

00:45:35.000 Jesus Christ, levity live.

00:45:37.000 Oh, you're booked.

00:45:38.000 You are booked.

00:45:38.000 In January.

00:45:39.000 But for the first time.

00:45:40.000 I should have done it eight times.

00:45:41.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:45:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:43.000 Fucking... 0.99

00:45:43.000 I mean, I did Wednesdays there, which is fun. 0.99

00:45:45.000 Have you been in that one?

00:45:46.000 No, I haven't been there.

00:45:47.000 Dude.

00:45:47.000 Great.

00:45:48.000 I went over there going, oh, Jesus.

00:45:49.000 That's what we need.

00:45:50.000 Another club in a mall. 0.99

00:45:51.000 You walk in there, it is fucking gorgeous. 0.97

00:45:54.000 The sound system is as good as anything I've ever talked into in my life, and it's just a gorgeous club. 0.92

00:46:00.000 I'm plugging you guys.

00:46:01.000 Thank you guys that didn't book me for three years.

00:46:03.000 You're welcome.

00:46:03.000 Best sound system I've ever heard in a club, or any place, is...

00:46:07.000 That Terry Fedor theater at the Mirage, where everybody performs?

00:46:11.000 If it's over 400 seats, I don't know about it.

00:46:13.000 Diaz was on stage, and I was in the back of the room, and I could hear him crystal clear.

00:46:17.000 Because, you know, they designed that for the Terry Fedor guy, the ventriloquist.

00:46:21.000 If you're a ventriloquist, like, clear sound is super important.

00:46:26.000 So the whole room is just, like, sound engineered.

00:46:29.000 It's amazing.

00:46:30.000 I never thought of that before.

00:46:31.000 So, like, a club like Laugh Boston had a problem when they first opened.

00:46:34.000 They fixed it.

00:46:35.000 I worked there and it was great.

00:46:36.000 But before, they had like an acoustic problem.

00:46:39.000 I think you told me that.

00:46:41.000 Somebody told me that and they fixed it too.

00:46:43.000 I think it was Ari.

00:46:44.000 I think it was Ari.

00:46:44.000 Because Ari told me.

00:46:45.000 I had never worked there, but Ari worked there in the beginning. 1.00

00:46:48.000 It was like, you know, there's some problems here. 0.99

00:46:50.000 People are struggling to hear shit. 1.00

00:46:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:52.000 That's the worst. 1.00

00:46:53.000 Have you ever done a gig like that?

00:46:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:55.000 You've done, like, those Boston comedy gigs?

00:46:57.000 Well, the improvs. 0.98

00:46:58.000 Like in Pittsburgh, you could hit fungos in there and fucking practice punting, and you couldn't hit the ceiling. 0.88

00:47:04.000 The key to a good comedy club, and how people who open comedy clubs don't know this at this point, because comedy clubs have been around for fucking ever, is a low ceiling. 0.96

00:47:12.000 It's the first thing you want.

00:47:14.000 It keeps the energy in the room, in the comic's face, in the audience's face.

00:47:18.000 That's the first thing you do.

00:47:19.000 I get to the improv a couple years ago, like somewhere in Pittsburgh.

00:47:23.000 I'm like, hello, hello.

00:47:24.000 I sounded like Lou Gehrig doing that speech when he's, I'm the luckiest man, man, man on the face of the earth. 0.98

00:47:30.000 And they couldn't understand me, Joe, between my Boston accent and between the fucking echoing. 0.97

00:47:35.000 I was playing to like 400 Guatemalans. 0.99

00:47:39.000 They're just staring at me.

00:47:39.000 I can't understand this person.

00:47:41.000 That's the worst.

00:47:42.000 Then I'd just go, Jack Lambert.

00:47:44.000 The whole crowd would go nuts.

00:47:48.000 It's the worst when they can't hear you.

00:47:50.000 It's the most frustrating thing, but one of the most frustrating things about being a comic.

00:47:53.000 How about when you can't hear yourself?

00:47:55.000 Yeah.

00:47:55.000 Like the monitors aren't working or something?

00:47:57.000 That's bad.

00:47:57.000 It's like talking into a dead microphone.

00:48:00.000 That really fucks me up. 0.99

00:48:01.000 You have to scream a whole show. 0.96

00:48:02.000 I did a show in Vegas once where I had to scream my whole show because they couldn't hear me because it was so echoey and stuff.

00:48:09.000 By the time I was done, I didn't even have a voice anymore.

00:48:12.000 But sometimes when the monitor, and you can't hear yourself, so you tend to talk louder, but they can hear you.

00:48:17.000 Right.

00:48:18.000 Maybe that was it, too.

00:48:19.000 Yeah, that happens, too, though.

00:48:20.000 People are like, why is he yelling?

00:48:22.000 Why is he screaming?

00:48:22.000 I did a bachelor party once, and I had a little carry-on speaker.

00:48:26.000 A little tiny, like one of those things you would plug into a guitar to practice in the basement.

00:48:30.000 That was what they had.

00:48:32.000 They had a speaker, and they had a cord that was plugged into it, and this really tinny microphone.

00:48:36.000 And I'm standing right in front of the guys.

00:48:38.000 They're like, right where you are.

00:48:39.000 And I'm holding a microphone.

00:48:40.000 I'm like, why do I even have a microphone?

00:48:41.000 You guys are right here. 1.00

00:48:42.000 This is the most ridiculous fucking show of all time. 1.00

00:48:46.000 Just standing in a bar in a basement somewhere in Boston, doing comedy, holding a microphone, looking at guys right in front of me with, you know, my voice is loud. 1.00

00:48:55.000 For some reason it's so stupid. 0.99

00:48:58.000 Didn't you do a gig? 1.00

00:49:00.000 You did a gig, one of those Boston gigs, that was one of those, there was a disco, where they would clear out the dance floor.

00:49:06.000 In Quincy!

00:49:07.000 Yes!

00:49:08.000 Did you get to fight with somebody there?

00:49:10.000 No.

00:49:11.000 No, probably.

00:49:12.000 I don't think there are any punches thrown.

00:49:14.000 That was the rumor. 0.98

00:49:15.000 The rumor was that Nick beat the shit out of somebody. 0.99

00:49:17.000 No, no. 0.88

00:49:17.000 I've been in two fights, and we talked about this last time. 0.88

00:49:19.000 I've been in two fights in my life, as far as comedy, and they were both at clubs called Giggles.

00:49:25.000 Oh, that's right.

00:49:25.000 One was in Seattle, and one was in Saugus.

00:49:28.000 They had nothing to do with each other.

00:49:30.000 That's hilarious.

00:49:31.000 That's telling you something.

00:49:31.000 I shouldn't be at a place called Giggles.

00:49:35.000 Yeah, but I know the one you're talking about.

00:49:38.000 Quincy.

00:49:38.000 It was a one-nighter.

00:49:39.000 We all did it. 1.00

00:49:40.000 And like you said, the people be dancing and shit. 0.99

00:49:43.000 All of a sudden, the needle go across the record. 0.99

00:49:45.000 And all of a sudden, they put a bag over the crystal ball that's spinning over the dance floor.

00:49:50.000 And here comes Joe Rogan.

00:49:52.000 And people are still dancing.

00:49:56.000 They turn around.

00:49:57.000 They wouldn't even tell the people there's a comedy show.

00:49:59.000 They didn't even know there was going to be a comedy show, and you're up there, how are you folks? 1.00

00:50:02.000 They're like, fuck you, we want to dance. 1.00

00:50:04.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:50:05.000 They did so many of those. 1.00

00:50:06.000 And good comics would do it.

00:50:08.000 I remember Jonathan Katz talking about it, and Barry Crimmins.

00:50:12.000 You needed the money.

00:50:13.000 If you needed the money, and you lived in Boston, it's an easy gig.

00:50:16.000 You drive an hour, you make 200 bucks.

00:50:18.000 That's right.

00:50:19.000 And you could do, in the 80s, you could do, Christ, like 18 months in, I was closing two or three rooms on a Friday night, coming home with $600, $700 in cash.

00:50:28.000 It was crazy.

00:50:28.000 Can you imagine that?

00:50:29.000 There were so many outside booking agents, between Billy Downs and Barry, and then there was a bunch of other smaller ones, and there was like Shari Hirsch and Norm LaFoe, they had gigs like in Western Massachusetts, John Shuler if you wanted to go to Connecticut, and everybody, 0.98

00:50:45.000 like Boston Comedy had so many fucking rooms, man.

00:50:49.000 Every pub, and people always ask me that when I started out, every pub and restaurant in New England, not just Massachusetts, You can look at my book my first year. 0.98

00:50:58.000 I'd be at like a ski lodge in Burlington, Vermont on Monday night.

00:51:01.000 Tuesday night at a Chinese restaurant in Providence, Rhode Island.

00:51:04.000 Wednesday night back in the city at Stitches.

00:51:07.000 You know, Thursday at a Mexican restaurant in Franklin, Massachusetts.

00:51:11.000 If you ever talk to Louis C.K., he's got them all memorized.

00:51:14.000 He can tell you.

00:51:15.000 Really?

00:51:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:16.000 He still remembers them.

00:51:17.000 I remember Mike Clark calling me.

00:51:19.000 I've been in the business about eight months. 1.00

00:51:21.000 It's snowing like a bastard. 1.00

00:51:22.000 I'm living on Comm Ave in Boston in a shitty apartment. 1.00

00:51:25.000 Mike calls me one in the afternoon. 0.51

00:51:26.000 He goes, you want to do a gig in New London, Connecticut?

00:51:29.000 I look outside.

00:51:30.000 There's a blizzard.

00:51:31.000 The snow is blowing sideways.

00:51:32.000 We've already got like 11 inches.

00:51:34.000 I go, yeah.

00:51:35.000 He goes, you want to work my brother Lenny?

00:51:36.000 You know, Lenny was our idol then. 0.97

00:51:38.000 And I'm like, I'm fucking, I'll be there. 0.92

00:51:42.000 I'm talking about a three-hour drive, and it's blizzard. 0.92

00:51:45.000 I get there, it's me and Lenny, and there's nine people in the audience.

00:51:49.000 And the guy goes to Lenny, I need an hour out of you.

00:51:52.000 Like, real sternly. 1.00

00:51:53.000 And Lenny's like, okay, motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:55.000 He starts giggling to me. 1.00

00:51:56.000 And then we're sitting at the table, and he goes to the guy that owns the play.

00:52:00.000 He goes, Dick, come on, sit down over here.

00:52:01.000 About two minutes into the conversation, Lenny knocks a cup of coffee over on me.

00:52:05.000 I know he did it on purpose.

00:52:08.000 It was so intentional.

00:52:10.000 So he knocked it on you?

00:52:11.000 No, he knocked it on the guy.

00:52:12.000 He was going to make him do an hour.

00:52:14.000 And he was like, oh, sorry, Jesus Christ.

00:52:15.000 And then he's laughing.

00:52:16.000 Lenny's laughing and winking at me.

00:52:18.000 And then Lenny goes on and does an hour without taking a break.

00:52:22.000 Like, there was 600 people there.

00:52:24.000 Wow.

00:52:24.000 I mean, that's when I was like, oh, my God, that's a headliner.

00:52:27.000 He didn't take a break.

00:52:29.000 It was one 60-minute run-on sentence, and he murdered those nine people.

00:52:34.000 Wow.

00:52:34.000 I couldn't even figure out how to get the mic out of the stand, Joe.

00:52:37.000 It was one of those clip mics. 0.99

00:52:38.000 I'm like, the fucking thing comes unplugged. 1.00

00:52:41.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:52:42.000 And Lenny goes on, and I go, oh my God, that's how it's done.

00:52:46.000 And I don't mean working the audience.

00:52:48.000 I mean an hour of jokes in front of nine people.

00:52:51.000 That was that style of comedy, too. 0.98

00:52:52.000 Like, Lenny embodied that style, that fucking attack style of comedy. 0.99

00:52:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:52:57.000 You know, there was...

00:52:58.000 Lenny was one of the first guys that I ever worked for.

00:53:02.000 I worked for Warren MacDonald.

00:53:05.000 I opened up for him.

00:53:07.000 Sure.

00:53:07.000 Remember Warren MacDonald?

00:53:08.000 Yes!

00:53:08.000 I opened up for him in, like, Chicopee Mass.

00:53:12.000 That's George's older brother.

00:53:13.000 Yeah.

00:53:14.000 George MacDonald, who was an open mic night guy when I was coming up.

00:53:17.000 My first open mic, he was the host.

00:53:19.000 Was he really?

00:53:19.000 Oh, Christchia.

00:53:20.000 What?

00:53:21.000 Wow, that guy's been around.

00:53:22.000 Yeah, it said Comedy Hell on the...

00:53:24.000 Yeah, Comedy Hell in stitches, yep.

00:53:26.000 The first night I pulled up, I saw the marquee.

00:53:28.000 I almost went, I don't want to do this.

00:53:29.000 That was that cool little room, too.

00:53:31.000 That little room only fit like...

00:53:33.000 What did that fit?

00:53:34.000 Like 100-something people?

00:53:35.000 About 100, probably 125 people.

00:53:36.000 Yeah, at the most.

00:53:38.000 What a great little room.

00:53:39.000 I was opening for...

00:53:42.000 Lenny had his own show on Friday night there.

00:53:45.000 And this is when I was going back.

00:53:47.000 It was my second year.

00:53:48.000 I had just moved down to New York.

00:53:49.000 I hadn't moved down to New York.

00:53:50.000 I was driving back and forth.

00:53:51.000 We had an apartment, me and Louie, down here.

00:53:53.000 I had to go back to Stitches.

00:53:54.000 I took the train back. 1.00

00:53:56.000 And the train was late and shit. 0.99

00:53:57.000 So I'm late getting to Stitches. 0.99

00:53:58.000 It's Lenny's show. 0.99

00:53:59.000 And Kenny Rogerson's like the middle and shit. 0.99

00:54:01.000 Can you imagine? 0.99

00:54:02.000 I'm the rookie on the show.

00:54:03.000 I get there late.

00:54:05.000 Kenny's already on.

00:54:07.000 Oh, no.

00:54:07.000 So they are like furious.

00:54:09.000 So I go out.

00:54:11.000 Stitches had a little ticket booth. 0.68

00:54:13.000 That's how you entered the stage, from the ticket booth on the side.

00:54:16.000 So I go out there.

00:54:17.000 I don't have more than 20 minutes, right, Joe, at that point?

00:54:19.000 I don't have 20 good minutes.

00:54:20.000 I run out of material.

00:54:22.000 I'm like, good night, everybody.

00:54:23.000 I go, good night.

00:54:24.000 I go to...

00:54:26.000 Go off stage.

00:54:27.000 That door's locked.

00:54:28.000 So now I'm up on a stage.

00:54:30.000 I can't get out.

00:54:31.000 The only way I can get out is to jump off the front of it.

00:54:32.000 The audience is staring at me.

00:54:34.000 The door's locked.

00:54:35.000 They won't let me in the...

00:54:36.000 So I go back to the microphone and I start going, so what do you do for a living?

00:54:39.000 Oh my God.

00:54:41.000 They wouldn't unlock the door for like five minutes.

00:54:43.000 And then I went over and I go, come on guys. 0.99

00:54:45.000 And now the audience is laughing at me and shit. 0.99

00:54:47.000 And then Kenny Roddison opened the door. 1.00

00:54:48.000 He goes, fucking be on time, motherfucker. 1.00

00:54:51.000 That was a lesson. 1.00

00:54:53.000 Those road gigs were often hazardous.

00:54:56.000 Is that where you did your open mic, your first one at Stitches?

00:54:59.000 Yeah.

00:55:00.000 That was my first time, August 27th, 1988. That was Jonathan Katz.

00:55:06.000 He was the host.

00:55:08.000 Wow.

00:55:08.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.000 It's wild.

00:55:09.000 I did it the spring before.

00:55:11.000 And I remember... 1.00

00:55:11.000 Oh, fuck, man. 1.00

00:55:14.000 A couple really good comics went up that night, too. 1.00

00:55:18.000 Like, guys that were local guys would go in town to do the open mic, like pros.

00:55:22.000 But the big one...

00:55:24.000 Well, there was a couple of big ones, but Teddy Bergeron was the biggest one.

00:55:29.000 Teddy Bergeron slayed it so smooth as silk, and I remember being just the rawest of raw.

00:55:36.000 First day ever open mic.

00:55:38.000 You can't get any raw. 0.99

00:55:39.000 I remember watching Teddy Bergeron just going, fuck, he's so smooth. 0.99

00:55:43.000 He was just so slick. 0.99

00:55:45.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:55:46.000 He would emcee some of the open mics at Stitches, and he'd go on as a character called Alston Brighton, which is the two towns...

00:55:55.000 He'd do this English accent. 0.67

00:55:57.000 And I'm going, this guy was on The Tonight Show. 1.00

00:55:59.000 He sucks. 0.99

00:56:00.000 He was just doing some character. 1.00

00:56:01.000 Hello there.

00:56:02.000 Good to be here.

00:56:03.000 Stitches. 0.98

00:56:04.000 And just do these shitty jokes on purpose. 0.99

00:56:06.000 And I'm going, this guy was on The Tonight? 0.98

00:56:07.000 Because you don't know anything about comedy then. 0.99

00:56:09.000 I go, how the fuck has this guy been on The Tonight Show? 0.99

00:56:11.000 With Johnny Carson. 0.99

00:56:12.000 And I go, who is it?

00:56:13.000 I thought his name was Alston Brighton for the first six months.

00:56:17.000 And then I see him at Knicks one night.

00:56:19.000 Get like a standing ovation.

00:56:20.000 Yeah, you see him do his real act.

00:56:21.000 Do his real act.

00:56:22.000 And I was like, Oh my god, I know nothing about what I do.

00:56:26.000 Did you ever see his Tonight Show set?

00:56:28.000 Yes. 1.00

00:56:29.000 Fucking genius. 1.00

00:56:30.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:56:30.000 One of the best Tonight Show sets ever. 1.00

00:56:32.000 Yeah, it's in that movie when stand-up stood out.

00:56:34.000 They show I'm sitting down, I think, in that movie.

00:56:36.000 But yeah, killer.

00:56:38.000 And then he just went off the rails.

00:56:40.000 But when he was in his prime is when Nick and I... Nick was like, you were like a little bit ahead of me, like maybe a year, I think.

00:56:49.000 Something like six months to a year.

00:56:51.000 The spring of 87 was my first opening.

00:56:54.000 So we were both there when Teddy was in his prime.

00:56:59.000 Like when he was just hot and fucking just smooth and just would go up there. 0.85

00:57:05.000 He had this style. 0.98

00:57:06.000 It was so casual. 0.99

00:57:08.000 Like there was a lot of guys like Lenny had this amazing style of a fucking attack. 0.99

00:57:13.000 And he would just bam, bam, bam, bam. 0.99

00:57:15.000 But Teddy would go up and make it look so effortless.

00:57:18.000 Right.

00:57:19.000 He was the only one, you're right, that wasn't doing that Boston attack.

00:57:22.000 He had his own...

00:57:23.000 He was a little more evolved, I think.

00:57:25.000 He was so good.

00:57:26.000 He was so good.

00:57:27.000 But the alcohol is what...

00:57:29.000 Pills, alcohol, the whole deal, whatever it was that grabbed him.

00:57:33.000 I did one night with him in Nahant, right?

00:57:36.000 And I get there, and I'm opening for him some restaurant like in Nahant.

00:57:40.000 And then he comes in, and I bring him up.

00:57:43.000 And as I'm coming off the stage, he goes, I'm double parked.

00:57:46.000 Move my car.

00:57:48.000 So he gives me his keys, and I go out and I move his car.

00:57:51.000 And I come back in, and I'm watching him.

00:57:53.000 And I'm having a few drinks.

00:57:54.000 And then I get in my car, and I go see this girl in Lynn that I was seeing at the time.

00:57:58.000 And, uh...

00:58:01.000 I call and check my answer machine messages, you know, at my house in Woburn, my apartment, and it's a beep!

00:58:07.000 Uh, Nick, uh, Teddy Bergeron.

00:58:09.000 Yeah, it's, uh, the show ended an hour ago. 0.99

00:58:11.000 You have my fucking keys, my car keys. 0.99

00:58:13.000 I left with his keys. 1.00

00:58:16.000 Beep!

00:58:17.000 Another message.

00:58:18.000 It was like eight messages. 0.99

00:58:19.000 He's now, now, and he's a horrible, like, alcohol will kill this guy. 0.50

00:58:23.000 So the next beep, it's like 40 minutes later. 1.00

00:58:25.000 Nick, you fucking asshole, I'm fucking still at the fucking club! 1.00

00:58:32.000 I had to fucking, you know, find him and get him his keys, but he left like six messages and he was getting more drunk. 1.00

00:58:38.000 I played him over and over for comics I know. 0.99

00:58:41.000 He couldn't even talk.

00:58:42.000 It's like four and more.

00:58:43.000 I was with this girl who I wanted to bang for years, you know? 0.96

00:58:47.000 And I fucking, after the first few messages, I go, I'm not leaving here for another one. 0.99

00:58:51.000 I go, he's fine. 0.99

00:58:52.000 He's in the bar, you know. 0.98

00:58:53.000 And the poor bastard was stranded there until, I don't know, I'd come to him at 3 in the morning, maybe? 0.98

00:58:57.000 Maybe it was good that you didn't give him his keys and drove drunk. 0.99

00:59:00.000 Yeah.

00:59:01.000 He wasn't drinking, though, when I left.

00:59:03.000 I think I drove him to drink.

00:59:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:59:05.000 Because he eats messes.

00:59:07.000 You could hear him getting worse.

00:59:09.000 Can you imagine? 0.95

00:59:10.000 And I'm fucking sitting there, you know, I didn't check my messages for a while after I got to that girl's apartment. 0.96

00:59:17.000 That's my Teddy Bergeron story. 0.98

00:59:19.000 I missed that disco gig.

00:59:21.000 The disco gig had already closed by the time I was getting paid.

00:59:23.000 I heard about it when I was doing open mics.

00:59:25.000 The Quincy dance floor?

00:59:27.000 Yeah, the one that you got on.

00:59:28.000 I did one that was in the waiting room of a restaurant.

00:59:31.000 And the stand-up mic, it was a Mike Clark gig.

00:59:34.000 It was a one-time only.

00:59:35.000 It was only me, one-man show.

00:59:37.000 And they canceled it right after I did it.

00:59:39.000 I called Mike as soon as I got home. 0.91

00:59:40.000 It was the most ridiculous thing. 0.78

00:59:42.000 The PA system was attached to the stand-up microphone. 0.92

00:59:45.000 And it was a big fish restaurant down the Cape.

00:59:48.000 So that there was this big waiting room of people.

00:59:50.000 Oh, I know.

00:59:50.000 You know that, kid?

00:59:51.000 Do you know it?

00:59:52.000 So you'd be on the stage.

00:59:54.000 So I'm saying, there's no way we can do this unless Johnson party at two.

00:59:58.000 Your table's ready.

00:59:59.000 Johnson party at two. 0.99

01:00:00.000 And the first time they did it, I just went, no fucking way. 0.98

01:00:03.000 This can't be real. 0.99

01:00:05.000 And it was so ridiculous that the audience just started laughing. 0.94

01:00:08.000 Like, whereas I was probably bombing before that. 0.76

01:00:11.000 It probably wasn't going so well.

01:00:13.000 Nobody knew there was going to be a comedy show.

01:00:15.000 They had a band.

01:00:16.000 The band stopped.

01:00:18.000 Oh, really?

01:00:19.000 I never did that.

01:00:19.000 I don't even know.

01:00:20.000 I don't remember if they introduced me. 0.99

01:00:22.000 My memory fucking blows. 0.99

01:00:24.000 Sometimes I get real crystal images of really important shit. 1.00

01:00:28.000 But other times, when you told me that I ran after you in the car, I was like, God, I swore I called them. 0.97

01:00:34.000 No, you got me on the way to the car.

01:00:37.000 Yeah, but now that you say it, now I know that I ran out. 0.99

01:00:39.000 But I'm like, why did I have that stupid fake memory in my head? 0.99

01:00:42.000 That's weird. 1.00

01:00:43.000 Because I remember you running out, and I'm going, oh, fuck. 0.99

01:00:45.000 Is he going to yell at me? 1.00

01:00:46.000 I must have fucking blown this audition. 1.00

01:00:48.000 I think dreams kind of fuck with your past memories. 1.00

01:00:50.000 Oh, for sure.

01:00:51.000 Because I dreamt something once a long time ago, and I remembered that I had told somebody about this dream, and then I forgot that that was...

01:00:58.000 You thought it was a real thing?

01:00:59.000 A part of it wasn't real.

01:01:01.000 Because I was talking about my friend, and I was like, oh yeah, and she works, I think, at this place downtown.

01:01:07.000 And I'm like, wait, no, that's something I dreamt.

01:01:08.000 Brian, that's weed, man.

01:01:10.000 It's not good for your money.

01:01:11.000 You guys don't believe any of that?

01:01:13.000 No.

01:01:13.000 No?

01:01:14.000 No.

01:01:15.000 Not at all. 1.00

01:01:16.000 I remember too much shit. 0.99

01:01:18.000 Well, that is not going to wipe it out completely. 1.00

01:01:20.000 I remember way too much shit. 0.99

01:01:22.000 I think short-term, though, for sure. 1.00

01:01:24.000 Short-term, yeah.

01:01:25.000 No doubt about it. 0.97

01:01:26.000 It fucks with it short-term. 0.90

01:01:27.000 We could be talking about something and I'll go, what did we just say? 0.91

01:01:31.000 There's like blips of missing information. 0.99

01:01:34.000 But I think that those blips exist because there's a vacuum created by all this new shit that's flying at you. 0.98

01:01:41.000 And I think the new shit's flying at you, if you're still trying to hold on to your thought you just had a couple moments ago, you're resisting the zen of the experience of the marijuana. 0.99

01:01:50.000 See? 0.99

01:01:50.000 If you just relax... 0.99

01:01:52.000 It's funny, because it's a catch-22, because I have insomnia. 0.96

01:01:58.000 I have fucking horrible time. 0.91

01:01:59.000 It doesn't matter what time zone I'm in, what planet, what state. 0.99

01:02:02.000 If I go to bed, I wake up two hours later.

01:02:04.000 Do you wake up angry and complaining?

01:02:05.000 No, I feel good.

01:02:06.000 I feel rested for that moment.

01:02:10.000 But I'm not going to get up.

01:02:11.000 It's only 4 in the morning, right?

01:02:12.000 So I try to go back to sleep, and then I'll wake up an hour and a half later, and then I'll wake up at 8, and then I feel horrible.

01:02:19.000 And it's affecting me on stage.

01:02:21.000 Even now, when we're just telling stories, a couple of names, I couldn't remember.

01:02:25.000 What were we talking about?

01:02:27.000 You need a new mood.

01:02:29.000 I couldn't remember the actor's name, you know? 0.98

01:02:31.000 And it's fucking weird. 0.98

01:02:33.000 But everybody's like, yes, you smoke weed, it'll put you to sleep. 0.99

01:02:37.000 But it also, I know it does a number on your memory if you get in the habit of doing it, right?

01:02:42.000 Yeah, well... 0.97

01:02:44.000 I think if you did it every day, all day, it would definitely fuck you up. 0.99

01:02:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:48.000 100%.

01:02:48.000 But, I think if you do it a little bit every now and again, it's good for you.

01:02:52.000 I really do.

01:02:52.000 I think it relaxes you.

01:02:54.000 You should do melatonin.

01:02:56.000 Dude, that's the first thing everybody suggests.

01:02:58.000 Or XMT. Dude, I've tried everything.

01:03:01.000 I've drank cat piss. 1.00

01:03:02.000 I've fucking... 1.00

01:03:02.000 Whoa, that's your problem. 1.00

01:03:04.000 That's what's keeping you up.

01:03:05.000 Oh, that's right.

01:03:05.000 It's loaded with caffeine, isn't it?

01:03:07.000 Did you get it right from the source? 1.00

01:03:09.000 It's all this fucking anger. 1.00

01:03:13.000 No, it's, uh, I've done all that shit. 1.00

01:03:15.000 Have you ever had that cat shit coffee? 1.00

01:03:17.000 You ever heard of that coffee called Kopi Luwak? 1.00

01:03:19.000 It's a cat shit or raccoon shit? 1.00

01:03:21.000 What's a civet? 1.00

01:03:22.000 I think it's like related to a cat.

01:03:23.000 I don't think you have to go any further with the conversation.

01:03:25.000 I'm all set, thanks.

01:03:26.000 I'll stick, I'll stick.

01:03:27.000 These people, they figure...

01:03:31.000 Sank was the perfect reference. 1.00

01:03:34.000 Sank was perfect.

01:03:35.000 Folgers Brothers, two words.

01:03:36.000 Sank is one. 0.83

01:03:38.000 Sank is perfect. 0.98

01:03:40.000 Jesus Christ, that is so fucking funny. 0.98

01:03:42.000 Do you remember Sank at you? 1.00

01:03:43.000 I do.

01:03:45.000 There's this animal called civet, and it eats the coffee beans and then shits them out.

01:03:48.000 And when it goes through its digestive tract, the digestive enzymes break down the outer layer of the coffee.

01:03:54.000 We got something for that.

01:03:55.000 It's called a coffee filter. 1.00

01:03:57.000 I don't need it to go through a fucking cat's ass. 1.00

01:04:00.000 You fucking feline cunt. 1.00

01:04:02.000 You're missing the point, sir. 1.00

01:04:05.000 The digestive enzymes or juices of the cat's stomach make it a smoother, smoother coffee.

01:04:12.000 And this company's where?

01:04:13.000 In Liberia? 1.00

01:04:13.000 Where they're still wiping their ass with banana leaves and rocks? 1.00

01:04:17.000 Yeah, they eat a bunch of cranberries and stuff. 0.99

01:04:19.000 Yeah, that's the little animal. 1.00

01:04:21.000 Look at that little fucking ferret-looking. 1.00

01:04:23.000 Look at the poop. 1.00

01:04:23.000 It looks like a... 1.00

01:04:24.000 What's that candy bar?

01:04:26.000 It's a payday bar. 1.00

01:04:27.000 That's the That's the shit! 1.00

01:04:30.000 I ate two of those for breakfast this morning! 1.00

01:04:32.000 That's how paydays are made. 1.00

01:04:33.000 That's a fucking payday bar! 0.99

01:04:35.000 See, that bean, those beans have all been sort of stripped. 1.00

01:04:38.000 Yeah, I'm all set. 0.97

01:04:39.000 I'd rather have a Colombian guy crushing him with his bare feet. 1.00

01:04:41.000 So apparently their bodies don't digest the actual bean itself. 0.95

01:04:44.000 Yeah, apparently.

01:04:46.000 So they eat the outside.

01:04:47.000 The outside of a coffee bean, I read somewhere, that green, there's like the outside of like the juice from an actual coffee bean.

01:04:55.000 It's green, the bean is green before it...

01:04:57.000 Yeah, and it was like a little red too, but it's supposed to be really good for you, whatever that is. 0.99

01:05:01.000 Yeah, I saw that on Dr. Oz, and I actually ordered this shit. 0.98

01:05:04.000 It's supposed to help you lose weight. 1.00

01:05:05.000 That Dr. Oz motherfucker, though. 0.99

01:05:07.000 I know, I know. 1.00

01:05:08.000 I googled the motherfucker. 1.00

01:05:09.000 I said, he's so handsome, I have to order this shit. 1.00

01:05:12.000 Got mad at him. 1.00

01:05:13.000 The American Medical Association, very mad at him.

01:05:16.000 Yeah, they got pissed at him. 1.00

01:05:17.000 He had to go before Congress because of some fake diet pill shit. 1.00

01:05:21.000 He got owned. 1.00

01:05:22.000 Did he get owned?

01:05:23.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:24.000 It was ugly.

01:05:25.000 But it's amazing.

01:05:26.000 He's still on the air.

01:05:26.000 He couldn't get owned that bad.

01:05:27.000 Yeah, but that's just because he's Oprah's bitch. 1.00

01:05:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:30.000 Somebody she went after Oprah on her day. 1.00

01:05:32.000 Oprah just starts peeling off numbers. 0.99

01:05:36.000 You know, what do we have to do to make this go away?

01:05:39.000 Oprah has to get Oprah's money. 1.00

01:05:41.000 Glad she went away finally.

01:05:43.000 Well, she went away because she made more money than any human being ever. 1.00

01:05:47.000 And she's like, what the fuck's the point of doing this talk show anymore? 0.98

01:05:48.000 No, nobody wanted to hear from her anymore. 1.00

01:05:50.000 She can't even get ratings on her own fucking network. 1.00

01:05:52.000 How dare you, Nick DiPaolo. 1.00

01:05:53.000 Please dare you. 1.00

01:05:54.000 She fucking... 1.00

01:05:55.000 First of all, these ratings are racist. 1.00

01:05:58.000 There's a bunch of white males running that rating board and they deny Oprah's real, true ratings.

01:06:05.000 That probably would be the argument in court today.

01:06:07.000 They don't even know.

01:06:08.000 How accurate do you think they really are at knowing ratings?

01:06:12.000 Nowadays, they're way more accurate because I heard they're actually getting numbers from cable boxes and stuff nowadays.

01:06:20.000 Hmm.

01:06:20.000 Can they do that without your consent?

01:06:23.000 I like the Nielsen family myself.

01:06:24.000 It's probably in that big contract at the beginning when you turn on your cable box.

01:06:29.000 Probably, right?

01:06:30.000 The Nielsens were like, how many families?

01:06:33.000 There were three.

01:06:34.000 They lived right next to me. 1.00

01:06:36.000 Fucking loud, obnoxious. 1.00

01:06:37.000 Always had the TVs on. 1.00

01:06:39.000 There wasn't that many people.

01:06:41.000 They still do it, right?

01:06:43.000 They still do it.

01:06:44.000 Do they really?

01:06:45.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:06:46.000 I thought they just knocked on your door and said, what do you want?

01:06:48.000 How many Nielsen families are there?

01:06:50.000 They still do it.

01:06:51.000 I remember growing up, my friend's dad was like a vice president of this big insurance company, and they had one on their TV. So it was kind of weird that they had one.

01:06:59.000 There's Leslie Nielsen.

01:07:01.000 That's not the same.

01:07:03.000 That's one of the families.

01:07:04.000 There's a...

01:07:05.000 That's a funny guy, man.

01:07:06.000 Think about that guy.

01:07:07.000 That guy's entire life.

01:07:08.000 300 homes, 1,300 apiece.

01:07:12.000 Huh.

01:07:13.000 Okay, two largest local...

01:07:15.000 Oh, this is New York and Los Angeles.

01:07:16.000 We'll have their sample sizes increased by 300 homes next year.

01:07:20.000 About 1,300 apiece.

01:07:22.000 So that's New York and Los Angeles.

01:07:23.000 This is 2,600.

01:07:24.000 This is in 2014. 2,600 homes of people.

01:07:27.000 But that's just 2,600 homes in...

01:07:30.000 That's...

01:07:31.000 But that's just in New York and L.A. That's 51,000 Puerto Ricans right there.

01:07:35.000 How dare you?

01:07:37.000 How dare you, Nick DiPaolo?

01:07:38.000 Look at the left coast. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Can't laugh at any of this shit. 1.00

01:07:40.000 Everybody just climbs up. 1.00

01:07:41.000 It's all fucking nervous because it's turned into Mexico. 0.99

01:07:44.000 You're afraid to fucking laugh at it. 0.99

01:07:45.000 Is that what it is? 0.99

01:07:46.000 It's just more liberal out here, right?

01:07:48.000 Do you think it's more liberal out here?

01:07:49.000 Do you feel the difference when you just stand there?

01:07:51.000 Well, I haven't really done stand-up, but just going into her to LAX, I can see it's much more liberal.

01:07:58.000 Going into her?

01:07:59.000 Hertz.

01:08:00.000 Oh, Hertz.

01:08:01.000 I don't know.

01:08:02.000 I didn't see anybody that spoke English.

01:08:04.000 A guy mumbling to me in some accent.

01:08:06.000 It was rudder.

01:08:07.000 The place was rudderless. 1.00

01:08:09.000 No fucking manager. 1.00

01:08:10.000 40 people in line. 1.00

01:08:11.000 Three people behind the counter.

01:08:13.000 Nobody taking charge.

01:08:14.000 Nobody that looked like me.

01:08:16.000 Nobody that looked like you.

01:08:17.000 Wow.

01:08:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:18.000 Well, no, you can fucking live in this world and put up with that shit, but... 1.00

01:08:22.000 You can't do it? 1.00

01:08:24.000 No, I can do it.

01:08:25.000 I'm just saying.

01:08:25.000 You asked me.

01:08:26.000 No, it's much more liberal up here. 1.00

01:08:27.000 White men renting me my fucking cars. 0.99

01:08:29.000 No, that's not what I'm saying at all, Joe. 1.00

01:08:31.000 Just let the white guy fucking manage it. 1.00

01:08:34.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:08:35.000 It's one thing we can do.

01:08:36.000 Whoa.

01:08:36.000 Jesus.

01:08:37.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:08:38.000 Listen to you guys.

01:08:39.000 You've been out in 2015. Yeah, it is.

01:08:41.000 Why don't you wake the fuck up, Brian? 0.99

01:08:43.000 Wake the fuck up, Brian. 1.00

01:08:44.000 It's all about white car rental managers. 0.99

01:08:47.000 I'm just, now you asked me if it was much more liberal. 0.99

01:08:49.000 I'm fucking kidding. 0.99

01:08:50.000 I'm fucking kidding. 0.99

01:08:51.000 These are jokes, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

01:08:53.000 Oh yeah, I forgot you had advertisers.

01:08:55.000 No, not right now.

01:08:57.000 Not anymore.

01:08:57.000 What happened?

01:08:58.000 I do them later.

01:08:59.000 I splice them in.

01:09:01.000 You even have control over that?

01:09:04.000 Yeah, I think that's the way to do it.

01:09:05.000 Absolutely.

01:09:06.000 Yeah, because this way we just have a conversation. 0.99

01:09:08.000 The other way of interrupting, doing it in the beginning was always awkward because the guests would be sitting there and I'd have to go through five minutes of stupid ads. 0.95

01:09:16.000 And then doing it in the middle was always out of the question. 0.94

01:09:18.000 So now I just do it this way.

01:09:19.000 Good for you.

01:09:23.000 It looks like in 2005 Nielsen started using things like TiVo and cable boxes and stuff like that and even finding when people turned off a show so they even know how accurate as if the first commercial break if people left the show.

01:09:37.000 So it's super accurate now. 0.95

01:09:39.000 That's some big brother type shit right there. 0.98

01:09:43.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:09:44.000 I mean, the only way to find out, really, is you gotta do that.

01:09:47.000 Why does it bother us?

01:09:48.000 Because it doesn't bother us when you see, like, YouTube hits.

01:09:50.000 You know?

01:09:51.000 If you put up a YouTube video and it gets 17 million hits, well, it's all right there.

01:09:55.000 You can see it.

01:09:55.000 17 million hits.

01:09:56.000 Yeah, they don't want you to know the numbers.

01:09:58.000 Yeah.

01:09:58.000 It's weird.

01:10:00.000 In radio, it's hard to get numbers.

01:10:01.000 It's real hard to get numbers in radio.

01:10:03.000 Well, they don't want you to know.

01:10:04.000 You could be making them a ton of money.

01:10:05.000 They're going, no, you only have 70 listeners.

01:10:07.000 This is why we're...

01:10:08.000 I don't think they know. 0.99

01:10:09.000 When it comes to radio, like that Arbitron book, I think that is just a fucking guess. 0.99

01:10:14.000 Yeah, the whole thing's a mess. 0.99

01:10:15.000 It's a guess.

01:10:16.000 They keep changing it.

01:10:17.000 Yeah.

01:10:17.000 Now they have things.

01:10:18.000 People walk around with a clip under their belt, and they're supposed to click it if they're listening to it. 1.00

01:10:22.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

01:10:23.000 They're not going to click that. 1.00

01:10:24.000 No, exactly. 1.00

01:10:24.000 And if they do, they're assholes anyway. 1.00

01:10:26.000 You don't want them. 1.00

01:10:28.000 Exactly.

01:10:28.000 You're wearing that?

01:10:29.000 I don't want you as a listener.

01:10:30.000 Unless you're getting a lot of money for that, dude. 1.00

01:10:32.000 Unless they're giving you like 500 bucks a week to wear that stupid thing. 1.00

01:10:35.000 I don't know why you would wear that. 0.99

01:10:38.000 So it could be like a Shazam-based thing. 0.99

01:10:41.000 So as things are playing, you listen to it.

01:10:43.000 But even then, you know what I mean?

01:10:45.000 Shazam picks up.

01:10:46.000 You know that app?

01:10:47.000 Do you know it?

01:10:47.000 No, I don't.

01:10:48.000 It's great. 0.99

01:10:48.000 If there's a song playing and you don't know what it is, what the fuck is that song? 0.99

01:10:51.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

01:10:52.000 You hold it up and it'll tell you instantly.

01:10:54.000 Yeah, my wife told me.

01:10:55.000 It's so crazy.

01:10:56.000 Like, it doesn't even make sense that it works.

01:10:58.000 And it works so well.

01:10:59.000 Like, you look at it happening, and you're going...

01:11:01.000 That is...

01:11:02.000 It's instant.

01:11:02.000 It just knows the beat.

01:11:04.000 They should have that if, like, you're in a nightclub, and you're gonna... 0.99

01:11:08.000 Pick up a chick, you hold it up to her and see if she's fucking crazy, you know? 0.99

01:11:12.000 Tells you her IQ. I don't think it would work that way. 0.98

01:11:14.000 But if they could tell you your heart rate from Xbox One, imagine if you could fucking put it in front of a girl and just tell you how crazy she is. 0.99

01:11:21.000 They give you like a 1 to 10, just scans her body and lets you know, like, look what's going on in her hand. 1.00

01:11:26.000 There's a fucking ping-pong game happening right now. 0.99

01:11:29.000 They're different personalities and throwing balls at each other. 1.00

01:11:33.000 Let's go home.

01:11:34.000 We're religious.

01:11:34.000 I'm a child of God.

01:11:35.000 Let's suck his cock. 1.00

01:11:36.000 Just ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. 1.00

01:11:38.000 Just trying to figure out which way to go.

01:11:40.000 Always.

01:11:40.000 Completely unstable.

01:11:41.000 They could find out your heart rate. 0.99

01:11:43.000 I mean, how the fuck are they finding out your heart rate by looking at you on some screen? 0.95

01:11:47.000 Unless you're wearing a device. 0.97

01:11:48.000 You must be wearing a device.

01:11:49.000 Are you wearing anything?

01:11:50.000 No.

01:11:51.000 It's thermal, I think.

01:11:52.000 It's got three cameras pointing at you, and they're all different.

01:11:54.000 It's not just like a regular video camera.

01:11:56.000 So the three cameras pointing at you, what are they reading?

01:11:59.000 One's thermal, the other's where you are displaced in the room.

01:12:03.000 But it's reading like heat, really, and it's gauging that into a heart.

01:12:06.000 Is this an app we're talking about?

01:12:08.000 It's Xbox One.

01:12:10.000 So if it's gauging heat, do you have to program in how warm your room is?

01:12:14.000 How much you weigh?

01:12:15.000 It knows how big you are.

01:12:16.000 It can tell.

01:12:17.000 It knows when you've been sleeping.

01:12:19.000 And it's tons of little dots over you, so it reads super accurate.

01:12:23.000 It can read your hands going like this.

01:12:26.000 You know, that accurate.

01:12:27.000 Whoa.

01:12:28.000 It's pretty, the new one, Xbox One. 0.99

01:12:30.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

01:12:31.000 I'm missing out on all this. 1.00

01:12:33.000 You can easily get an Xbox.

01:12:34.000 You should have an Xbox One.

01:12:35.000 You shouldn't have, as many times as it is.

01:12:37.000 I watched the last UFC on an Xbox One, and it was so easy.

01:12:40.000 It was just like, order, right through Xbox. 0.99

01:12:42.000 Dude, I'm moving towards doing less shit. 0.98

01:12:44.000 That's what I'm moving towards. 0.98

01:12:45.000 I'm not moving towards doing anything more.

01:12:47.000 I just, I've been enjoying relaxing lately.

01:12:50.000 That's a lost art.

01:12:52.000 You know?

01:12:53.000 Everybody's hustling, going by.

01:12:54.000 How about- If I had your money? 1.00

01:12:56.000 Fuck, I've been relaxing 10 years ago. 1.00

01:12:58.000 Would you? 1.00

01:12:58.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:12:58.000 What have you been doing? 1.00

01:12:59.000 What would you do?

01:13:00.000 I don't know.

01:13:00.000 What should I do?

01:13:01.000 You could advise me.

01:13:02.000 I'd be smoking pot and floating in my pool.

01:13:03.000 Ah, there you go.

01:13:06.000 With a big margarita inside you.

01:13:07.000 I don't have a pool.

01:13:08.000 I don't smoke pot.

01:13:09.000 Let me change that answer.

01:13:10.000 You should have a fishing pond, Joe.

01:13:12.000 Somewhere that you can just sit there on a canoe and fish and smoke weed all day long.

01:13:16.000 That's right.

01:13:17.000 That is the day.

01:13:18.000 No, seriously.

01:13:19.000 That sounds perfect.

01:13:20.000 Perfect.

01:13:21.000 It's a fun day.

01:13:21.000 Thing of Heineken's in between your legs.

01:13:23.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:13:24.000 Isn't it funny that nobody gives a fuck if you kill a fish? 1.00

01:13:27.000 Fuck fish. 1.00

01:13:28.000 People don't care about fish. 1.00

01:13:30.000 But if there was like wild game preserves near Four Seasons in Hawaii, and dudes are coming in with like gutted moose or something like that, people would freak the fuck out. 0.98

01:13:39.000 You can come with a marlin, big 1,500 pound marlin, nobody gives a shit. 0.97

01:13:43.000 They're delicious. 0.99

01:13:43.000 Moose is very tough. 0.99

01:13:45.000 It is.

01:13:46.000 It's very delicious. 0.99

01:13:48.000 But it's just weird that we don't give a shit if someone kills a fish in front of us. 0.97

01:13:51.000 We have very clear hierarchies, and it's not even about the size of the animal. 0.99

01:13:56.000 It's about whether or not the animal's cute.

01:13:58.000 If you have a squirrel, you kill a squirrel in front of a...

01:14:02.000 People will freak out if you kill a squirrel in front of them.

01:14:04.000 But people eat squirrels.

01:14:05.000 A lot of parts of the world, people eat squirrels.

01:14:07.000 But if you kill a tuna in front of them, like a 500 pound tuna, Most people don't even bat an eye.

01:14:13.000 Weird, right?

01:14:14.000 I hate that.

01:14:14.000 You see, like, the Japanese cutting fins off sharks.

01:14:18.000 Is it the Japanese? 1.00

01:14:19.000 It's the Japanese show, yes.

01:14:21.000 Don't get all nervous.

01:14:22.000 It's the Japanese. 0.99

01:14:23.000 I didn't fucking make it up. 0.99

01:14:23.000 Did you see that surfer with the shark on live TV? I'm not saying we should kill all the sharks. 0.99

01:14:28.000 They cut the fins off them, though, and let the rest of the fish drown.

01:14:32.000 It'll get eaten.

01:14:33.000 I know, but it's not the point.

01:14:34.000 I'm not saying it's a good thing, but... 0.99

01:14:35.000 They're using it for aphrodisiac, making soup with it and shit. 0.99

01:14:38.000 Well, I think it's just delicious. 0.99

01:14:40.000 Shark's fin soup.

01:14:41.000 I think the aphrodisiac is like the horns.

01:14:43.000 Like rhino horns.

01:14:44.000 Rhino horns, too, yes. 1.00

01:14:45.000 Tiger dick. 1.00

01:14:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:46.000 Tiger dick? 1.00

01:14:47.000 Tiger dick. 1.00

01:14:47.000 They do something with tigers. 1.00

01:14:49.000 I don't know if it's tiger dick, but... 1.00

01:14:50.000 Tiger dick. 1.00

01:14:53.000 That is fucked up, though. 1.00

01:14:55.000 They cut the fins off and just jump in the water. 1.00

01:14:57.000 Yeah, and they let them fucking drown. 0.99

01:14:59.000 What's kind of sociopathic? 0.99

01:15:00.000 Yeah, it's kind of creepy behavior.

01:15:03.000 Replace the fin.

01:15:04.000 If you're going to take it, put a fake one on it.

01:15:06.000 Yeah, not only that, like, couldn't you use that meat for something?

01:15:10.000 Like, can you sell it for pet food or something like that?

01:15:13.000 Sure.

01:15:14.000 You know, I mean, it's probably good protein.

01:15:16.000 Like, why would you just let it all go to waste like that? 0.97

01:15:17.000 That seems so silly. 0.87

01:15:19.000 I don't know. 0.91

01:15:20.000 And then there's the numbers.

01:15:21.000 Like how many do they kill?

01:15:22.000 They kill a lot.

01:15:23.000 You get that shark fin soup. 1.00

01:15:24.000 You gotta kill a lot of fucking sharks. 1.00

01:15:29.000 But that surfer video is ridiculous. 1.00

01:15:30.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:15:31.000 Oh, God.

01:15:32.000 How terrifying is that?

01:15:33.000 I'm surprised you didn't see, like, you know, him shitting his pants all over the board. 0.62

01:15:37.000 It's amazing he didn't get bit.

01:15:38.000 It's amazing.

01:15:40.000 I mean, that thing is thrashing around.

01:15:42.000 I know!

01:15:43.000 And that was a big fin! 1.00

01:15:45.000 Big fucking... 1.00

01:15:45.000 That was no little mako shark. 1.00

01:15:47.000 That was a shark shark. 0.58

01:15:48.000 That was, like, a ten-foot shark, right?

01:15:49.000 If you had guessed, nine, ten-foot...

01:15:51.000 How big did they think it was, Jimmy?

01:15:52.000 I didn't see it.

01:15:54.000 It seemed like it was like a 10-foot shark. 1.00

01:15:56.000 But it's definitely big enough to fucking kill you. 1.00

01:15:58.000 Hell yeah! 1.00

01:15:59.000 Why do surfers not carry weapons on them?

01:16:01.000 Why don't they have some kind of taser or something that they can wear around their neck and in emergencies pop it off?

01:16:07.000 They should have an app for that.

01:16:08.000 I know.

01:16:10.000 Maybe it will help you...

01:16:11.000 You know how you row, like a lot of guys, the paddleboard out there?

01:16:14.000 There's like a new sport.

01:16:16.000 Just like with a spear.

01:16:18.000 Hunting shark.

01:16:19.000 Yeah, because like...

01:16:19.000 You draw the shark.

01:16:20.000 If you fucking miss, dude. 0.99

01:16:23.000 That's a good show. 0.99

01:16:24.000 Pitch that one.

01:16:26.000 Pitch that one.

01:16:27.000 Shark tank.

01:16:28.000 You could probably get away with doing it if you did it with chainmail.

01:16:33.000 If you had some sort of a fine chainmail shark suit on, you could probably get away with doing that.

01:16:39.000 But, you know, to see whether or not you got bit.

01:16:45.000 You know, what a badass paddleboarder you would have to be to take that risk. 1.00

01:16:50.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

01:16:51.000 That could go wrong. 1.00

01:16:54.000 Yeah, that would be enough to keep me out of the water the rest of my life.

01:16:57.000 Well, that was in South Africa, right?

01:16:58.000 South Africa is one of the worst spots in the world as far as shark attacks.

01:17:01.000 How about North Carolina this year?

01:17:03.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:17:03.000 They were walking up on shore and biting people.

01:17:06.000 Richmond covers makes waves with homemade shark cages.

01:17:09.000 Oh, I saw those people.

01:17:11.000 These people walked out with a shark cage on.

01:17:13.000 It looks like a birdcage.

01:17:14.000 Yeah, not a bad move.

01:17:17.000 Got him on TV. Six foot great white, by the way.

01:17:20.000 It was only six foot?

01:17:21.000 Yeah, that's what the guy said.

01:17:22.000 That's big enough. 1.00

01:17:23.000 Yeah, that's plenty big to fuck you up. 1.00

01:17:24.000 That's as big as, you know, you are. 1.00

01:17:28.000 Sharks, man. 0.83

01:17:29.000 What a crazy animal. 0.97

01:17:30.000 Dude, that guy's face. 0.99

01:17:31.000 Yeah, I'd rather be bit by the shark, I think. 1.00

01:17:34.000 Who's that, John Madden's gay son? 0.99

01:17:36.000 One thousandth. 0.98

01:17:37.000 One thousandth.

01:17:39.000 I don't think you'd get away from me.

01:17:41.000 What a great idea.

01:17:44.000 Sharks are just such a strange animal that they've got to a stage of existence where they just maintain the exact same form for hundreds of millions of years.

01:17:55.000 That's all they've been doing for hundreds of millions of years.

01:17:57.000 They never improved.

01:17:59.000 If they stop swimming, they drown. 0.99

01:18:01.000 It's a total shitty design. 0.99

01:18:02.000 They can't sleep. 0.99

01:18:03.000 They just swim around and jack things.

01:18:05.000 I can relate to that.

01:18:06.000 Isn't that hilarious when you think about it?

01:18:08.000 It's a clean-up crew.

01:18:10.000 It's literally like the clean-up crew for the ocean.

01:18:12.000 That's why it can't stop.

01:18:13.000 It's not allowed to do what it wants to do.

01:18:15.000 It can't just gorge itself and then just chill out.

01:18:17.000 No, it has to keep moving or it dies. 1.00

01:18:19.000 What a fucking bummer. 1.00

01:18:21.000 What a bummer existence. 1.00

01:18:23.000 You've got to keep moving.

01:18:24.000 What's that called?

01:18:25.000 There's a term for that. 0.99

01:18:27.000 Fucked? 0.99

01:18:28.000 No, there's a term for it. 1.00

01:18:30.000 You have to keep moving.

01:18:31.000 Tony Soprano had it.

01:18:33.000 Oh, perpetual motion?

01:18:34.000 You have to keep moving.

01:18:36.000 Is that it?

01:18:36.000 Perpetual motion?

01:18:37.000 Perpetual motion is the theory of trying to...

01:18:39.000 I forget.

01:18:40.000 How many people pretended to be Italian after The Sopranos?

01:18:44.000 It's a large percentage.

01:18:46.000 I don't know.

01:18:47.000 After Goodfellas.

01:18:48.000 Yeah, all those movies.

01:18:49.000 All of them.

01:18:50.000 It's amazing how many mob movies there are.

01:18:52.000 If you really think about, like, the amount of movies made about the Italians.

01:18:55.000 One guy just died from, uh, Godfather, right?

01:18:58.000 The, uh... 1.00

01:18:59.000 Oh, shit, he just died two days ago. 1.00

01:19:02.000 Who's that? 1.00

01:19:02.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:19:04.000 Hold on. 1.00

01:19:05.000 From the Godfather?

01:19:06.000 You mean the movie?

01:19:06.000 An actor or an actual guy?

01:19:07.000 Marlon Brando?

01:19:09.000 No.

01:19:15.000 Okay.

01:19:17.000 Alex Rockwell, the Godfather star.

01:19:19.000 No!

01:19:20.000 That's Mo Green!

01:19:21.000 Mo Green. 1.00

01:19:22.000 He fucking... 1.00

01:19:23.000 When? 0.99

01:19:23.000 Two days ago. 0.99

01:19:25.000 That doesn't even look like him.

01:19:27.000 Is that supposed to be him?

01:19:30.000 Yeah, that's him, all right.

01:19:32.000 Wow, he looks so different.

01:19:33.000 I didn't know that.

01:19:34.000 Mo Green, did he catch one in the eye?

01:19:36.000 No, he choked on a breadstick at the Olive Garden. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Oh, that's fucking racist, man. 1.00

01:19:40.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:19:40.000 Why the Olive Garden, Brian? 1.00

01:19:41.000 Why do you get to be like that, man? 1.00

01:19:42.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:19:43.000 Why do you get to be Olive Garden with an Italian shit? 1.00

01:19:46.000 He has a running joke about Olive Garden. 1.00

01:19:49.000 I haven't done that in a while.

01:19:49.000 He slips in Olive Garden into conversations.

01:19:52.000 I had the best chunk ever on the Olive Garden.

01:19:54.000 I can't remember.

01:19:55.000 Oh, a bit, you mean?

01:19:56.000 Really?

01:19:56.000 I would love to hear it.

01:19:58.000 People...

01:19:59.000 Look it up. 1.00

01:20:00.000 You have to fucking Google it. 0.99

01:20:01.000 Oh, look at him there. 0.99

01:20:02.000 It's on my first album.

01:20:02.000 Look at him in that bottom image.

01:20:04.000 That's when, like, right after he won the Academy Award.

01:20:08.000 Yeah, those are the glasses Mo Green had on when he got it.

01:20:10.000 He was getting massaged.

01:20:13.000 There's something great about those big giant classes.

01:20:14.000 He's from Boston, by the way.

01:20:15.000 Really?

01:20:16.000 Yeah.

01:20:17.000 I believe he's a Boston guy.

01:20:18.000 Mo Green.

01:20:20.000 I did not hear that.

01:20:22.000 There he is.

01:20:23.000 That looks more like Mo Green there.

01:20:27.000 That's it.

01:20:28.000 We all go.

01:20:29.000 Everybody's here.

01:20:30.000 Michael, Fredo, how you doing?

01:20:33.000 You're not going.

01:20:34.000 We're not going anywhere.

01:20:35.000 You're going to be okay?

01:20:36.000 Oh, Christ.

01:20:37.000 What's going to happen?

01:20:37.000 1-10, 1-11 before I go.

01:20:39.000 Really? 1.00

01:20:39.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:20:40.000 I'll start shitting my pants about a week from now. 1.00

01:20:42.000 What makes you say that? 0.98

01:20:43.000 I'm kidding.

01:20:44.000 P90X? I'll be gone soon.

01:20:45.000 You've got to stay in it.

01:20:47.000 You've got to put...

01:20:48.000 You've got to stay focused.

01:20:49.000 What's it called again?

01:20:50.000 The new one?

01:20:52.000 Mine's not even new.

01:20:53.000 This one's been out a few years.

01:20:55.000 30 Minute Insanity or whatever.

01:20:57.000 You know who I'm talking about, Shanti.

01:20:58.000 I've seen the commercial.

01:20:59.000 I've definitely seen the commercial.

01:21:00.000 The guy is working out.

01:21:01.000 He's jumping around for 30 minutes.

01:21:03.000 I don't know how you can talk.

01:21:04.000 And still, you know, do that type of row back to side and still be able to speak?

01:21:08.000 You've got to be very fit.

01:21:10.000 You've got to be unbelievably fit.

01:21:11.000 Yeah, when you're demonstrating moves, like if you demonstrate martial arts moves, you get exhausted.

01:21:16.000 Because you're trying to talk and, you know, you're throwing kicks and you're trying to explain what you're doing.

01:21:21.000 You get winded real quick.

01:21:22.000 And this guy talks non-stop for 30 minutes while he's jumping around.

01:21:25.000 And his people give up.

01:21:27.000 Like, there's people that have to sit out, like, halfway through.

01:21:30.000 Absolutely. 0.99

01:21:30.000 I was like, wow, you picked some really fucking weirdos. 0.99

01:21:33.000 Well, it's hard. 0.99

01:21:34.000 It really is hard.

01:21:34.000 But how about the...

01:21:35.000 There's another girl out there. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Autumn...

01:21:38.000 Autumn Calabrese, her name is?

01:21:40.000 No.

01:21:41.000 She's a Beachbody, one of those Tony Horton... 1.00

01:21:44.000 Protégés.

01:21:45.000 And just Google Autumn Calabrese, and she's got the 21-day fix out of something. 0.62

01:21:53.000 It's an infomercial with Tom Bergeron, but you should see...

01:21:55.000 Look at her body on her. 0.99

01:21:56.000 I've never seen anybody...

01:21:58.000 You know, who doesn't juice or isn't a bodybuilder.

01:22:00.000 Are you kidding me?

01:22:01.000 She looks very fit.

01:22:03.000 She looks very fit.

01:22:03.000 Unbelievable.

01:22:04.000 I'd do her a 30-minute workout, though. 0.96

01:22:06.000 I recommend Jane Fonda's old school.

01:22:09.000 It's really easy.

01:22:09.000 Does it involve one of them things you hold on to?

01:22:13.000 This little shaky thing?

01:22:15.000 Shake weight? 1.00

01:22:17.000 Do you believe that thing fucking exists? 1.00

01:22:19.000 That's the most ridiculous workout tool ever. 1.00

01:22:22.000 Why would you need that? 0.98

01:22:23.000 You just grab onto somebody who's having a seizure.

01:22:25.000 It's hard to find someone who has a seizure when you're trying to get a workout in.

01:22:28.000 What was Suzanne Somers' one, the one that you put in between? 0.98

01:22:31.000 Thighmaster.

01:22:31.000 They have vibrating thighmasters.

01:22:33.000 I bought a used one and licked it for 20 minutes.

01:22:35.000 Do you know, I know jujitsu guys who got the Thighmaster so that they could work the inside leg muscles so they could squeeze guys better.

01:22:41.000 Is that right?

01:22:41.000 Yeah.

01:22:42.000 But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda.

01:22:44.000 I can't tell if you're bullshitting.

01:22:46.000 No, for real. 0.96

01:22:47.000 Is it hot in here or is it the coffee?

01:22:48.000 It's probably the coffee.

01:22:49.000 All right.

01:22:50.000 But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda with the vibrating workout thing. 0.99

01:22:56.000 And it's some of the funniest shit ever. 0.98

01:22:58.000 There it is. 1.00

01:22:59.000 Thigh master, bitch. 1.00

01:23:00.000 Yeah, I bought a used one on eBay. 1.00

01:23:01.000 Ooh, what did it smell like?

01:23:02.000 I sniffed it for like an hour and sent it back.

01:23:05.000 Not acceptable.

01:23:07.000 It smells like pineapple!

01:23:09.000 Find me one that's been used by an American.

01:23:12.000 That's the new Hitachi right there. 0.99

01:23:13.000 I'm not playing around with your goddamn coconut thigh master. 1.00

01:23:17.000 Coconut thigh master. 1.00

01:23:19.000 For sexy hips and thighs. 0.91

01:23:22.000 Oh my god, what the hell is that? 0.52

01:23:24.000 Bonus lotion?

01:23:24.000 Oh, gel.

01:23:25.000 Organic bronzing gel.

01:23:27.000 That's for whacking off to the infomercial.

01:23:29.000 Bronzing gel, that's hilarious.

01:23:30.000 Squeeze your thighs together and then orange them. 0.90

01:23:35.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

01:23:36.000 How are girls using this to masturbate? 1.00

01:23:38.000 Because it has to be for that, right? 0.99

01:23:39.000 No, it's not.

01:23:40.000 I guess you could get everything warmed up first with that. 0.99

01:23:43.000 Like, if you were hell-bent on, like, stimulating or simulating some sort of a wild gorilla fuckfest, what you do is you just squeeze the shit out of that thing until your legs reach fatigue, and, you know, all the while you've got to, like, play with yourself. 0.99

01:23:57.000 And then once you realize that your legs are about to give in, that's when you start shoving the dildo inside you. 0.99

01:24:04.000 I'm not saying you should do this. 0.98

01:24:06.000 I'm just saying that's how I'd handle it. 0.98

01:24:09.000 I just heard shoving the dildo went to yourself. 0.90

01:24:10.000 That's all I heard out of that. 0.99

01:24:12.000 I was just thinking if you really wanted to have, you know, if you want to use the Thighmaster for orgasms, if you were trying to masturbate with it, that'd be the only way. 0.99

01:24:21.000 You have to use it to make your legs tired. 0.99

01:24:23.000 Unless you turn it on so it's like this, like a pyramid, like the balls at the top, and then you put it down and the girls sit on it and push down like they ride it like this while it vibrates. 1.00

01:24:34.000 That's probably what they're doing.

01:24:35.000 It gives back to you.

01:24:36.000 Yeah.

01:24:39.000 Yeah.

01:24:39.000 That bronze is actually a gel.

01:24:41.000 Women probably put it between their legs and have their husband stick their head in, then they clamp it on their husband's necks. 1.00

01:24:47.000 You know what I don't like? 0.82

01:24:48.000 I don't like that those oh my god facts are sometimes made up.

01:24:51.000 They're fake.

01:24:51.000 Half of them are fake.

01:24:52.000 Yeah, sometimes they're made up because there was one about the vibrator.

01:24:55.000 The vibrator was the second or third of the electronically...

01:25:01.000 Connected things, electrically powered things in the household.

01:25:04.000 I was like, what?

01:25:05.000 And then, like, it beat the washing machine and something else.

01:25:08.000 And I was like, wait a minute.

01:25:09.000 The third most what?

01:25:11.000 Used?

01:25:11.000 No, one of the quickest created.

01:25:14.000 Like, one of the third...

01:25:15.000 Oh, really?

01:25:16.000 The third electric creation. 1.00

01:25:18.000 Yeah, it's probably bullshit. 0.99

01:25:19.000 Invention? 1.00

01:25:19.000 Yeah, it's probably bullshit. 1.00

01:25:20.000 Who came up with Edison's wife? 1.00

01:25:26.000 You even say it like you're delivering a punchline.

01:25:32.000 They used to have those in doctor's offices. 0.95

01:25:34.000 They used to stimulate women to orgasm in doctor's offices. 0.98

01:25:37.000 That was a normal...

01:25:38.000 What do you mean used to?

01:25:40.000 Go to the right doctor.

01:25:42.000 Go to the right dentist.

01:25:44.000 Is that a laughing gas?

01:25:46.000 Are you applauding?

01:25:50.000 Have we talked since the Cosby thing?

01:25:54.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

01:25:55.000 He's fine. 0.99

01:25:56.000 This is a racist society trying to pull down another black man, Joe. 1.00

01:25:59.000 He never raped anybody, man. 1.00

01:26:01.000 Why are you getting all over his shit? 0.99

01:26:02.000 Chuck D from Public Enemy, who I love dearly, on his Twitter thing, he called him Dr. Cosby. 0.99

01:26:10.000 Dr. Huxtable.

01:26:12.000 No, actually, you know what?

01:26:14.000 Actually, he is a doctor in real life.

01:26:17.000 But he's an honorary doctor.

01:26:19.000 Yes, exactly.

01:26:19.000 Yeah, but I think they rescinded that.

01:26:21.000 Did they take that back?

01:26:22.000 Can they take that back?

01:26:23.000 They took something back.

01:26:24.000 Took some honorary something or another he had back.

01:26:27.000 I don't know if it was that.

01:26:28.000 But then they built a statue of him in front of Grambling.

01:26:31.000 It's not actually Temple.

01:26:32.000 There's so many funny things that Cosby did in the past that now are a lot more funnier now because of all the, you know, like when Coke 2 came out, there was a commercial, and I forget what the tagline was.

01:26:44.000 Oh, I know what you're saying.

01:26:45.000 It's like, trust me, and he's like holding it, or something like that.

01:26:48.000 I see what you're saying, yeah.

01:26:49.000 And then there's a Cosby show where he makes chili, and he goes, and I have my special ingredient that makes you go get sleepy.

01:26:56.000 And then he walks into Rudy Huck, like the kids are eating the chili.

01:26:59.000 He's like, no!

01:27:01.000 Really?

01:27:02.000 It really says I have my special ingredient in the next you're sleeping?

01:27:05.000 It's old commercials that now when you watch them in retrospect, they fit the narrative perfectly.

01:27:11.000 Oh my god.

01:27:11.000 So now I've been just thinking of every single Cosby movie I want to watch now and find all the secret things.

01:27:17.000 What was the one where he was like a... 1.00

01:27:19.000 What was the one where he's pulling a puddin' pop out of an unconscious girl's ass? 1.00

01:27:23.000 What movie was that? 0.99

01:27:25.000 Like going through old fat outfits and stuff.

01:27:29.000 So funny.

01:27:30.000 Guilty!

01:27:31.000 What was Coke 2? 0.99

01:27:32.000 Gil-fucking-T! There was a commercial for Coke 2 that I gotta find. 0.97

01:27:36.000 That seems like a tough one to argue.

01:27:37.000 I didn't like Cosby.

01:27:38.000 I never liked his...

01:27:39.000 I mean, I respected, but I never found them funny.

01:27:42.000 When I was working at Chris Rock, the whole show went to see Cosby, and I didn't want to go.

01:27:46.000 Really?

01:27:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:47.000 Chris was like, you created Apollo, you're gonna fucking miss it! 0.99

01:27:50.000 Oh yeah, we were gonna see him in Vegas. 0.94

01:27:51.000 Yeah, we were gonna take a trip to Vegas just to see him.

01:27:54.000 Because everybody was telling me, like, you gotta see him, that he's the best.

01:27:57.000 You gotta see him. 0.78

01:27:59.000 They were saying, like, he sets up these bits, and they're just fucking perfect, and... 0.85

01:28:03.000 Yeah, well... 0.86

01:28:04.000 Yeah, well...

01:28:07.000 I felt that way about Jay Charbonneau.

01:28:10.000 Jay Charbonneau.

01:28:11.000 Jesus Christ.

01:28:11.000 There's a name from the past.

01:28:12.000 You just hurt my feelings.

01:28:14.000 Stitches.

01:28:14.000 I forgot about that guy.

01:28:15.000 He was the angry guy then.

01:28:16.000 I loved him.

01:28:17.000 Jay Charbonneau.

01:28:18.000 Remember?

01:28:18.000 He was always angry.

01:28:19.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:28:21.000 How do you... 1.00

01:28:21.000 Maybe Pot is fucking with my memory. 1.00

01:28:23.000 If you can bring back all these guys... 0.99

01:28:24.000 Oh, it is. 0.99

01:28:24.000 It's fucking with your memory, Joe. 0.99

01:28:25.000 That's been proven. 1.00

01:28:26.000 Has it been proven? 1.00

01:28:27.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:28:27.000 On Fox News? 1.00

01:28:28.000 No, not Fox News.

01:28:30.000 Pauly Shore's mom, for Christ.

01:28:31.000 I don't think she did Pot. 0.96

01:28:34.000 No, she probably never touched weed.

01:28:35.000 You're right.

01:28:35.000 First of all, how dare you?

01:28:37.000 Second one, I think it was some other stuff.

01:28:39.000 It was what?

01:28:40.000 It was genetic, too.

01:28:41.000 Parkinson's.

01:28:42.000 Oh, I didn't.

01:28:43.000 I was just throwing that out there.

01:28:44.000 I didn't know she had a disease.

01:28:46.000 Yeah, she does.

01:28:47.000 You didn't know that?

01:28:47.000 No.

01:28:48.000 Yeah, she's been ill for a long time.

01:28:50.000 I think she's got either Parkinson's or muscular sclerosis.

01:28:54.000 I don't know what it...

01:28:55.000 Multiple sclerosis?

01:28:56.000 Multiple sclerosis.

01:28:57.000 No, I love Mitzi.

01:28:58.000 She passed me the first night I showed up in LA. Did she really?

01:29:01.000 She was in the crowd.

01:29:02.000 She was in the original room. 0.99

01:29:04.000 And it was like open mic or a new potluck or whatever the fuck. 1.00

01:29:07.000 Like three guys went up and just ate their own shit. 0.99

01:29:10.000 Like Jay London had the best set and he got like six laughs. 0.99

01:29:13.000 Jay London. 0.67

01:29:14.000 And then I just fucking went on and, you know, that's when I was doing it four times a night, you know, 30 nights a month. 0.95

01:29:21.000 And she just happened to be there. 0.99

01:29:22.000 She was fucking, literally her hat was falling off. 1.00

01:29:24.000 She had that hat on. 1.00

01:29:26.000 She goes, you come in anytime you want.

01:29:28.000 She couldn't have been sweeter.

01:29:29.000 Do you miss living out here?

01:29:32.000 I don't miss it, but in retrospect, looking back, I enjoyed it more than I thought I did.

01:29:38.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:39.000 You enjoyed it more than you thought it did?

01:29:41.000 I was so happy to get back to New York, and I didn't care for L.A. at all.

01:29:45.000 But now they're looking back on it.

01:29:46.000 I had good times on it.

01:29:47.000 It wasn't bad.

01:29:48.000 It's not bad.

01:29:49.000 There's definitely a difference in the vibe.

01:29:52.000 That's the different vibe that you get when you're in L.A., It's just it's just way different than the vibe that you get in New York and especially like comedy clubs the New York comedy club vibe is like very hostile It's a different kind of not anymore though a comedy cell is like a tourist trap and really yeah Louie's show is so popular people come from all over now and And they see the Comedy Cellar,

01:30:15.000 you know, they showed at the beginning of Louisa.

01:30:17.000 And like the early shows there are like, sometimes you're like, well, how did that joke swing and miss? 0.98

01:30:23.000 Then after the show, the door is like, well, that whole 14 people, they're from like fucking Sweden. 0.98

01:30:26.000 They're all German. 1.00

01:30:27.000 I hate that.

01:30:28.000 And, uh, that's like the early show.

01:30:30.000 Then I guess the second and third shows it gets back to...

01:30:33.000 But it's not hostile.

01:30:34.000 It's on the campus of NYU. It's all college kids.

01:30:38.000 And they have their brains filled with, you know, PC mush.

01:30:41.000 PC college kids. 1.00

01:30:43.000 These motherfucking know-it-all little punks. 0.99

01:30:46.000 Yeah, well, Seinfeld's too edgy for him, so. 0.99

01:30:49.000 Well, Seinfeld is, uh, he's not racially diverse.

01:30:52.000 He didn't diversify his cars and coffee show.

01:30:56.000 Sounds racist.

01:30:58.000 Sounds racist to me.

01:30:59.000 But that's not even their problem with him.

01:31:00.000 They think he's too edgy.

01:31:01.000 Hey, Jamie, there's a dude outside that I want to bring in.

01:31:03.000 He's a guy that I met last night.

01:31:05.000 I wanted to sit down with Nick and I wanted to bring this guy in.

01:31:08.000 His name is, let's bring him in.

01:31:09.000 His name's Adam.

01:31:10.000 He should be out there right now.

01:31:12.000 I met this guy last night that is a counselor in Florida, and I have to leave tomorrow. 0.99

01:31:19.000 I was trying to figure out what way to have this guy talk to me about what the fuck he did. 0.99

01:31:24.000 When I hear about a scam, a money scam, a crazy money scam, this guy was working with drug rehabilitation people in Florida, and like, you know, fucking... 0.99

01:31:35.000 Dealing with people that have all these drug addictions and all the different prescriptions that they would put them on and how much money they would get. 0.92

01:31:41.000 He was telling me that they would charge people like $1,500 a day to keep someone a patient in their institution.

01:31:49.000 Can you set up a microphone over here?

01:31:50.000 Is that possible?

01:31:56.000 Mixing it up, Nick DiPaolo.

01:31:58.000 Can I plug my website? 1.00

01:31:59.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:32:00.000 NickDip.com? 1.00

01:32:01.000 What are you doing next?

01:32:02.000 What do you got going on?

01:32:03.000 I don't know.

01:32:03.000 What are you out here for?

01:32:04.000 That's a good question.

01:32:06.000 I'm still selling the album.

01:32:08.000 I got such a kick after I did your show and Adams and everybody else is out here, I got a spike in sales, so I thought I'd refresh it.

01:32:15.000 You're like a businessman.

01:32:16.000 You made a smart business move.

01:32:17.000 A little bit.

01:32:17.000 Excited to come out to L.A. I did.

01:32:19.000 That's nice.

01:32:20.000 Beautiful.

01:32:21.000 Does he ever need me to tweet anything?

01:32:23.000 I'd be more than happy.

01:32:24.000 Seriously? 1.00

01:32:24.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:32:24.000 You shouldn't have said that. 1.00

01:32:25.000 I'll be hounding y'all.

01:32:26.000 Hound me. 0.97

01:32:27.000 Give me a hard time.

01:32:28.000 But I... Yeah, no.

01:32:29.000 I did that thing with Amy Schumer, 12 Angry Men.

01:32:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:32.000 How was that?

01:32:33.000 Yeah.

01:32:33.000 Got to act with Paul Giamatti and Jeff Goldblum and John Hawks.

01:32:37.000 Her fucking show is smashing right now. 1.00

01:32:39.000 So, you know, things are kicking up. 1.00

01:32:43.000 It's getting interesting because she's experiencing some backlash from some shit that she's always said. 0.98

01:32:48.000 People are mad at her now. 0.98

01:32:50.000 It's interesting. 0.99

01:32:50.000 Well, that's a little fucking sick, isn't it, Joe? 0.99

01:32:52.000 What are we doing here? 1.00

01:32:53.000 They eat themselves.

01:32:54.000 Yep.

01:32:55.000 There's a cover of a magazine. 0.99

01:32:56.000 You see the cover of the magazine with her sucking on C-3PO's? 0.99

01:33:00.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:33:01.000 God forbid. 0.99

01:33:02.000 Yeah, well, all these people were saying that, like, that's an affront to feminism, and people are mad at her now, and, you know, it doesn't promote feminism for her to suck on a robot's finger. 1.00

01:33:11.000 No, exactly. 0.96

01:33:12.000 I mean, like you said, they're eating each other.

01:33:14.000 But she did, and she did some Hispanic job. 1.00

01:33:16.000 But it's not Hispanic people getting mad at her.

01:33:18.000 It's white liberal people getting mad at her. 1.00

01:33:20.000 I never have a problem with minorities in the audience. 1.00

01:33:23.000 They never have a problem with my shit. 1.00

01:33:25.000 It's always white little liberal kids trying to defend their feelings. 1.00

01:33:29.000 Seriously. 0.82

01:33:30.000 Come on in, Adam.

01:33:31.000 Come on and have a seat. 0.99

01:33:32.000 It's fucking embarrassing. 0.99

01:33:33.000 Well, it is. 0.99

01:33:34.000 Put those headphones on, too, if you would.

01:33:36.000 Yeah, it's a real problem with comedy. 0.98

01:33:40.000 A big part of what comedy is is saying shit you don't really mean, because it's the funny thing to say. 0.82

01:33:45.000 And if you're going to cut off that, and you're going to make it really difficult for people to express themselves honestly, you're going to get shittier and shittier comedy. 0.98

01:33:53.000 You're going to have to only say what you mean, always.

01:33:56.000 I say what I mean.

01:33:58.000 I do, and they have a problem with that, too.

01:34:01.000 That too. 0.99

01:34:02.000 But I mean, even joking around about shit, saying things are clearly ingest. 0.98

01:34:06.000 What's up, dude? 0.99

01:34:07.000 What's up, man?

01:34:07.000 Put that thing up to your face.

01:34:10.000 Better.

01:34:10.000 There, there it works, man.

01:34:12.000 So, met this guy last night.

01:34:13.000 He started talking to me about...

01:34:15.000 Well, tell him the whole story.

01:34:18.000 Which part?

01:34:18.000 The Medicare part?

01:34:19.000 Those issues?

01:34:20.000 Talk into the microphone.

01:34:21.000 Has he ever done a podcast before?

01:34:23.000 Anything like this?

01:34:24.000 You wrote a book, right?

01:34:25.000 Yeah.

01:34:26.000 Two of those things, man.

01:34:29.000 And what is the book?

01:34:30.000 The first one is Mastering Life Transitions, and the second one is Chemical Incarceration, Addicted to the Process.

01:34:36.000 And so you were working with people that are drug addicted, and you felt like it was like a money scam?

01:34:42.000 It is.

01:34:43.000 I mean, it's a process they set up to addict you from the beginning.

01:34:47.000 I mean, they bring you in for a 30-day rehab.

01:34:49.000 What I'm talking about are government-funded facilities, you know, Medicare facilities.

01:34:53.000 They get you to come in, and for 30 days, they basically switch out whatever hard drugs you're on with their synthetic drugs.

01:34:59.000 The facility owners get $1,500 a day per patient, inpatient facility, and then they're discharged.

01:35:08.000 You're kind of pushed to say, hey, discharge them to our outpatient facility, because then they make another $500 to $700 a day per patient for four to eight weeks.

01:35:18.000 How ridiculous is that? 0.85

01:35:19.000 Government scam. 0.99

01:35:21.000 Less government, Joe.

01:35:22.000 Less government.

01:35:23.000 It's crazy because the patients want the drugs in the hospital, but the hospital owners take care of the patients almost like they're VIP clients at the Ritz-Carlton.

01:35:34.000 That's so crazy.

01:35:35.000 Adam, tell everybody your full name, man.

01:35:37.000 Adam Lowry?

01:35:38.000 Yeah.

01:35:39.000 And what's the name of your book?

01:35:40.000 The second one is Chemical Incarceration, Addicted to the Process.

01:35:44.000 The first one is Mastering Life Transitions.

01:35:46.000 And it's all, what is, are they both on the same subject?

01:35:50.000 No, Mastering Life Transitions was...

01:35:52.000 I came up with my own theory.

01:35:53.000 It's called TSBT, Transrational Structured Behavior Theory. 0.99

01:35:57.000 Holy shit! 0.99

01:35:58.000 Yeah, that's what I said. 1.00

01:35:59.000 A whole bunch of psychobabble shit. 0.99

01:36:01.000 Then I summed it up to the Cognitive Rampage, and that's essentially what I call it. 0.99

01:36:06.000 What's the Cognitive Rampage?

01:36:07.000 That's actually the website, CognitiveRampage.com.

01:36:09.000 I love that.

01:36:10.000 Can I use that for a CD? It's a great band.

01:36:12.000 Please, man, go ahead. 0.99

01:36:13.000 That's a fucking great name. 0.99

01:36:14.000 Cognitive Rampage. 1.00

01:36:16.000 That's a great name.

01:36:17.000 What's Cognitive Rampage entail?

01:36:19.000 Well, for me, when I'm talking or I'm giving my delivery or I'm giving my speeches or whatever I'm talking about, I get really rampaging.

01:36:26.000 And I get intense. 0.96

01:36:27.000 I mean, I'm trying to fucking help somebody's life. 0.99

01:36:29.000 You get old Donald Trump. 0.99

01:36:31.000 I think that's different.

01:36:32.000 I think that's different.

01:36:34.000 Yeah, I mean, I just got tired of that therapist that sit there.

01:36:37.000 Tell me how that makes you feel. 0.99

01:36:39.000 And then, you know, treat you in some pompous manner and dance around you for half an hour hoping you figure some shit out. 0.92

01:36:45.000 So for people that get hooked on drugs and they get involved in some sort of recovery program like that where they instantly take the drugs that they were on and they put them on another drug that just has a similar effect but it's legal.

01:36:55.000 I mean, they really don't do anything.

01:36:57.000 No. 0.99

01:36:57.000 Not a fucking thing. 0.99

01:36:58.000 Methadone? 1.00

01:36:59.000 That's common?

01:37:00.000 That's like most of the time what happens?

01:37:01.000 That's period what happens.

01:37:03.000 What's crazy is you could walk into a drug treatment.

01:37:05.000 Now these are Medicare funded now.

01:37:07.000 Medicare.

01:37:07.000 Not like Passages in Malibu.

01:37:09.000 Not like that.

01:37:10.000 But if you walked in...

01:37:11.000 You're supposed to be greeted by a physician and diagnosed within the first day or two.

01:37:15.000 Which makes sense.

01:37:16.000 Well, to cut costs, you walk in and a high school graduate fills out your admission paper and throws on your diagnosis.

01:37:24.000 Bipolar.

01:37:25.000 You can't even diagnose anybody with that until they're off drugs.

01:37:29.000 Until they're back at baseline.

01:37:31.000 But you can't take them into your inpatient unless they have one of those labels so they can get paid for it.

01:37:36.000 Well, there you go.

01:37:37.000 So the legal way of diagnosing someone as being bipolar, you've got to wait until they're free of all drugs.

01:37:41.000 That's right.

01:37:42.000 So they do it illegally?

01:37:43.000 That's right.

01:37:44.000 And everybody knows?

01:37:45.000 Everyone knows.

01:37:46.000 Whoa.

01:37:47.000 At the willow in Naples.

01:37:48.000 West government! 1.00

01:37:50.000 Less fucking government! 1.00

01:37:51.000 Yes. 1.00

01:37:52.000 He's right.

01:37:52.000 In this sense, right?

01:37:54.000 At least it's keeping people off the streets, I guess.

01:37:59.000 But how much money is being spent?

01:38:01.000 And it's all tax dollars, right?

01:38:02.000 If it's Medicare?

01:38:03.000 Sure.

01:38:03.000 It's all of our money.

01:38:04.000 I mean, but what's funny is the patients think it's their money.

01:38:08.000 So when they're sitting in the rehab, it's, hey, doc, I need my pills.

01:38:11.000 Hey, therapist, you need to discharge me here.

01:38:13.000 Do this for me. 0.99

01:38:14.000 I'm essentially their fucking travel agent. 0.99

01:38:16.000 I mean, the book, what I talk about, Addicted to the Process. 0.99

01:38:19.000 What incentive does somebody have to quit doing drugs, all right?

01:38:23.000 Let's say you have a very minimal education, nothing going for you. 0.98

01:38:26.000 I can quit doing heroin and cocaine and maybe go, I don't know, clean shit for a living or something. 0.99

01:38:32.000 But then I can't even have a drink to waste away the shit day I just had. 0.99

01:38:36.000 So what they do is they'll come into a 30-day treatment facility, do their 30 days, but it's bed and breakfast, it's drugs, it's smoking, it's sex even at most of them. 0.99

01:38:45.000 Yeah. 0.84

01:38:46.000 Sex. 0.98

01:38:46.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:38:47.000 They take away ambition, government programs.

01:38:50.000 That's what they do. 1.00

01:38:51.000 The bathrooms become fucking hostiles. 1.00

01:38:53.000 It's crazy. 1.00

01:38:54.000 It's crazy.

01:38:55.000 And then after 30 days, by law, I have to find them where they're going to live, where they're going to get their next drugs from, and how they're going to get there, and their doctor. 0.98

01:39:04.000 So, it eliminates all the ambition they might have to get their shit together. 0.95

01:39:09.000 Completely enables them. 0.99

01:39:11.000 That's insane.

01:39:12.000 But would you want to quit?

01:39:13.000 Would you want to quit?

01:39:14.000 I do 30 days.

01:39:15.000 I was on heroin for a while, not me, but let's say I was.

01:39:17.000 And I walk in, I do 30 days, I meet some new fine-ass chick in an AA meeting that sees life the way I do, and we're going to conquer this together.

01:39:24.000 So we get discharged to say, I don't know, I've always wanted to see Savannah.

01:39:28.000 Well, by law, I've got to discharge them, find their house, find their doctor.

01:39:31.000 What?

01:39:32.000 We then fly them there, or send them on a bus.

01:39:35.000 On a dime.

01:39:36.000 Then they go to outpatient facility, four to eight weeks on our dime again, just to hang out with more people that don't want to quit, party some more for a while, only to relapse and go, well, I guess I'll admit myself to this Savannah Rehab then, do another 30 days, come out, and now they go, well,

01:39:51.000 I've always wanted to go to Vegas!

01:39:53.000 Where's the ambition to get clean or the incentive?

01:39:55.000 Man with welfare, where's the incentive to work?

01:39:57.000 You're going to go out and get a 40,000-year job, you can get that in benefits.

01:40:00.000 This seems like I would have heard of this.

01:40:02.000 That's why you freaked me out.

01:40:03.000 When we were talking last night, it was after the show, and I was talking to him.

01:40:07.000 There was a bunch of people around.

01:40:09.000 There was Dom Herrera we were hanging around with, and it was hard to get a real bead on how deep this went.

01:40:16.000 Just with all those other people around all that but what you're saying doesn't make any sense because it seems like not that I don't believe you but it seems like that would have been so obvious a long time ago that that's a ridiculous way to do things You can't, because if I'm like a licensed therapist,

01:40:32.000 if I say anything, I get blackballed from ever working at any facility again.

01:40:36.000 So no therapist, after you go get a $150,000 degree, you got debt you got to pay, if you speak out against what's happening, you're blackballed, and that's it, and all these facility fat owners know each other.

01:40:48.000 Wow.

01:40:49.000 What's your title, your work title, technically?

01:40:53.000 Well, I can't say therapist anymore. 1.00

01:40:54.000 I'm not a licensed therapist, because fuck that. 0.98

01:40:57.000 I don't want it, I gave it back, and I don't believe in practicing in some conservative structure to help change somebody's life. 0.98

01:41:03.000 So it's just me, with a master's degree, some life coaching stuff.

01:41:08.000 You're a freelance, okay.

01:41:09.000 What is your degree in?

01:41:11.000 Mental health counseling.

01:41:13.000 What a trip that must be to be embedded in that system like that. 0.99

01:41:17.000 Dude, it fucking killed me to be straight with you, man. 0.99

01:41:19.000 You know, when I first got in, I was, you know, because I really changed my life from the shit I used to be in. 0.99

01:41:24.000 Turn it around, show up ready to, you know, help people and get involved only to see everyone around me. 0.99

01:41:30.000 It's corrupt. 1.00

01:41:30.000 They've given the fuck up. 1.00

01:41:32.000 Wow. 0.96

01:41:34.000 That's so crazy that there's so much of a money grab going on.

01:41:37.000 I never had heard that before.

01:41:39.000 Nobody has a reason.

01:41:41.000 I mean, the facility owners are making millions.

01:41:43.000 The people getting treatment are getting their drugs in bed and breakfast place.

01:41:48.000 Why would they want to say anything? 1.00

01:41:50.000 Therapists can't say anything, you'll lose his fucking job. 1.00

01:41:52.000 I want to do heroin. 1.00

01:41:55.000 Come on, Nick.

01:41:56.000 Let's do some heroin for a couple months.

01:41:57.000 That's strange.

01:41:58.000 From what I hear, Zaboxin is much better.

01:42:00.000 The synthetic stuff that we make.

01:42:01.000 I was going to say, thanks for the tip.

01:42:02.000 It gives you a white chitter on the corner of your mouth.

01:42:04.000 What is Zaboxin?

01:42:05.000 This is the other thing you were telling me last night.

01:42:07.000 They replace the heroin.

01:42:08.000 If people come in and they have a heroin addiction, they replace it with Zaboxin. 0.97

01:42:11.000 But the difference is that heroin is pretty cheap, and Zaboxin is fucking really expensive. 0.96

01:42:15.000 There you go. 0.90

01:42:16.000 Like, what is the difference in the money?

01:42:18.000 Well, now you can get the boxing pills on the street for 20 bucks to 40 bucks.

01:42:21.000 Depends on who has it. 0.99

01:42:22.000 And it's cheaper than your fucking co-pay. 1.00

01:42:24.000 Wow. 1.00

01:42:25.000 Yeah.

01:42:26.000 Your co-pay when you buy it from a pharmacist is more expensive than buying it on the street.

01:42:29.000 Many times.

01:42:30.000 Depends on your plan D. So many pro tips.

01:42:34.000 So many pro tips.

01:42:35.000 Brian is ready to get on heroin.

01:42:37.000 He's like, I have found...

01:42:38.000 I'm moving into a new apartment. 0.97

01:42:41.000 Find some skinny heroin chick with her blue baby crawling on the ceiling. 1.00

01:42:45.000 You don't want a blue baby, but you do want a skinny heroin chick. 1.00

01:42:48.000 Good taste in music. 0.96

01:42:49.000 Some distasteful tattoos.

01:42:52.000 Some knuckle tattoos.

01:42:53.000 A shady past, but she's a good cuddler. 1.00

01:42:58.000 Have you been in a rehab joke?

01:43:00.000 I see the picture now.

01:43:02.000 It's very Bukowski 76. You can't go on 60 Minutes or anything because you'll be outcast.

01:43:09.000 One of the owners I worked for actually has already even been arrested for Medicare fraud in 1985, and he still owns four hospitals today.

01:43:16.000 Maybe all the people that you're learning this from are fraud, and so you're just outing all your bosses and they don't actually do this.

01:43:24.000 Oh, well, no.

01:43:25.000 My bosses were good.

01:43:26.000 My direct bosses.

01:43:27.000 Now, Leo D'Anibal was my mentor, man.

01:43:29.000 I'm not Leo.

01:43:30.000 No mention names, bro.

01:43:32.000 Leo's listening.

01:43:34.000 He's a good dude, but...

01:43:36.000 And this is in Florida?

01:43:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:38.000 See, that's such a fucking whacked-out state. 0.99

01:43:40.000 Is that, like, everywhere in the country, or is it just Florida has this... 0.99

01:43:43.000 Well, what's crazy is Florida has its own Medicare fraud phone number while every other state calls one number.

01:43:49.000 Wow.

01:43:51.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:43:51.000 Ain't that some shit? 1.00

01:43:54.000 We're finished. 1.00

01:43:54.000 That's hilarious, man. 1.00

01:43:56.000 It is. 1.00

01:43:56.000 Oh my god, what a wacky ass fucking state. 1.00

01:43:59.000 So what he was telling me last night, we were talking about the OxyContin Express, that documentary about all the people that were getting these OxyContin prescriptions from those pain management centers. 1.00

01:44:09.000 And he said that they had replaced it with Zaboxone. 0.94

01:44:12.000 And he started telling me, because he told me he was a drug counselor, and I was like, oh, I need to fucking hear what's going on down there. 0.94

01:44:18.000 I didn't expect the can of worms that you opened up. 0.89

01:44:20.000 I was like, what?

01:44:21.000 I can't...

01:44:22.000 How much money is going on?

01:44:25.000 What?

01:44:26.000 And that's just Florida?

01:44:27.000 That's just Florida.

01:44:29.000 So what happens in Massachusetts or California or something like that?

01:44:32.000 They have different rules?

01:44:33.000 I haven't done therapy there, but what's funny is all of the patients that wind up at the Willow are on the rounds.

01:44:38.000 So they come from California, they come from Boston, they come from all these places.

01:44:42.000 And the Willow is just a round.

01:44:44.000 So do they have a time frame where they have to get out by?

01:44:46.000 No.

01:44:46.000 It depends.

01:44:47.000 Different plans, so they have like 90 lifetime days that every year rebirth, and then you have 160 days during the year.

01:44:55.000 So you can go in 30 days, come out 30, wait 30, it repopulates again.

01:45:00.000 Now, the patients, the people that use this, they know these systems better than the doctors do, better than the insurance specialists and everything.

01:45:07.000 Wow.

01:45:08.000 The place I was at actually has a sales force up front.

01:45:12.000 They call the people that come through there alumni and frequent flyers.

01:45:15.000 And so they'll call them and go, Hey, it's been a while since you've been in, whoever.

01:45:20.000 Why don't you come in for a medication adjustment?

01:45:23.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:45:23.000 It's illegal as fuck. 1.00

01:45:25.000 And they call them in for medication adjustment. 0.99

01:45:28.000 And so who's instigating that?

01:45:30.000 Is it the employees?

01:45:32.000 Is there a director that tells the employees what they have to do?

01:45:35.000 Like, how does that work?

01:45:36.000 They keep it really, really close.

01:45:38.000 So there's two or three friends that are close with the owners that work in the, well, it's not sales department, it's the admissions department, but we all know it as the sales department.

01:45:47.000 It's like an Audi dealership.

01:45:51.000 The undercoating.

01:45:52.000 It's like Fargo.

01:45:53.000 You have 50,000 Suboxone points.

01:45:56.000 But they won't call you unless they know you have days left.

01:46:00.000 What?

01:46:01.000 If you don't have days, they can pull up your chart and go, alright, he's got 10 days.

01:46:04.000 He's usually here every three months.

01:46:06.000 He hasn't been back.

01:46:06.000 I wonder how he's doing.

01:46:08.000 Let's call him up.

01:46:09.000 Hey, I know you're fighting sobriety and may have been sober for three months, but why don't you come back for medication adjustment?

01:46:15.000 So if you were really feeling sober and you had kind of like graduated past the demons of the pills and you were off of it, but then you got that phone call. 1.00

01:46:25.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:46:25.000 You got that phone call. 1.00

01:46:26.000 It's like, look, I got it for you.

01:46:28.000 How about a medication adjustment, baby?

01:46:30.000 Man, the dope boys have left the corner and put on white coats and moved into psychiatric hospitals.

01:46:34.000 That's another good album.

01:46:35.000 Medication Adjustment?

01:46:37.000 Yeah.

01:46:38.000 I like that.

01:46:39.000 That's a good name.

01:46:40.000 That's a good one.

01:46:41.000 Medication Adjustment.

01:46:42.000 I like that one.

01:46:43.000 Thugs in white coats.

01:46:45.000 That's amazing, man.

01:46:46.000 That's amazing.

01:46:47.000 It's amazing that that's the system in place.

01:46:48.000 Well, at least in Florida.

01:46:49.000 So is that how they're making up for the money that they lost by selling all the Oxycontins?

01:46:54.000 If the pharmaceutical companies are, they're always out to get the money. 0.97

01:46:57.000 Now, the Zaboxin story is pretty fucking crazy.

01:47:00.000 In the 70s is when Zaboxin started to come out, and the government was going to subsidize the payment on anybody to build this. 0.71

01:47:07.000 Please build this pill for us.

01:47:09.000 We know it works, etc. 1.00

01:47:11.000 Pfizer and all the big boys said, fuck you, we're not touching it. 1.00

01:47:13.000 We know it's addictive as hell. 1.00

01:47:15.000 They left it alone in a mustard company that made from mustard seeds.

01:47:18.000 Not Golden's. 1.00

01:47:20.000 Don't tell me Golden's got people hooked on shit. 0.99

01:47:23.000 So they were going out of business, and they accepted the offer of the government. 1.00

01:47:26.000 Got paid, took the subsidies, and developed the drugs of boxing.

01:47:30.000 Problem was... 0.99

01:47:31.000 When you're making Pfizer look good, you're really fucking... 0.99

01:47:37.000 That's coming from a right wing. 0.97

01:47:39.000 The problem is they have laws on the books that a physician cannot prescribe a narcotic to get someone off a narcotic.

01:47:46.000 So then they spend the next 30 years changing the laws.

01:47:48.000 Now here comes the pill.

01:47:50.000 We're ready to market it, right?

01:47:51.000 So it works kind of like methadone, but in the marketing meeting we go, look guys, we can't rebrand methadone.

01:47:55.000 What are we going to do?

01:47:57.000 So they all sit around and they go, well look, everybody going to these facilities is in AA or NA, right?

01:48:02.000 So, higher power stuff.

01:48:04.000 So what do they do?

01:48:05.000 The first stamp that they put on this pill is a Christian cross, and they dub it the miracle drug. 0.51

01:48:12.000 Yes, sir.

01:48:13.000 Fed it to everybody.

01:48:14.000 Hold on.

01:48:15.000 So when you get as a box and it has a cross on it?

01:48:16.000 Used to.

01:48:17.000 Not anymore.

01:48:17.000 They changed it.

01:48:18.000 Please let me see that picture, Jamie.

01:48:20.000 The little orange pill.

01:48:21.000 He'll find it.

01:48:21.000 Oh my God.

01:48:22.000 That is evil. 1.00

01:48:24.000 Ain't that some shit? 1.00

01:48:26.000 I didn't even think about that, but NA and 12-step, Alcoholics Anonymous and NA, they're all God-based, right? 0.99

01:48:32.000 Higher power.

01:48:33.000 It helped a lot of people.

01:48:34.000 The best asset was Jesus Christ's asset.

01:48:36.000 That's what I heard, right?

01:48:38.000 Is that true, Brian?

01:48:39.000 94. Do you remember how many guys...

01:48:41.000 You ever tried the Moses wheat?

01:48:43.000 Do you remember how many guys came from Alcoholics Anonymous into stand-up?

01:48:47.000 Because they learned how to stand up in front of those groups and make everybody laugh?

01:48:50.000 Dave Fitzgerald.

01:48:51.000 Remember Dave Fitzgerald?

01:48:52.000 He died.

01:48:53.000 Died of cancer.

01:48:53.000 He died.

01:48:54.000 Funny fucking guy. 1.00

01:48:55.000 He was a funny guy. 1.00

01:48:56.000 Look at this.

01:48:57.000 Jesus Christ.

01:48:58.000 There it is.

01:48:58.000 Literally.

01:48:59.000 That is...

01:49:00.000 Literally, yeah.

01:49:01.000 Is that a cross or a sword?

01:49:02.000 That's like a sword.

01:49:03.000 That's a sword.

01:49:04.000 That's not a cross.

01:49:05.000 Meant to be both.

01:49:06.000 Is it really?

01:49:06.000 Meant to be both.

01:49:07.000 Are you trying to pin it on Christians?

01:49:09.000 Did you think of this when you were stoned? 0.94

01:49:10.000 Come on.

01:49:10.000 Who came up with this?

01:49:11.000 No, man.

01:49:11.000 This is a Jewish thing.

01:49:13.000 It's crazy, right?

01:49:15.000 Look, it's that...

01:49:15.000 N8. What the fuck's N8? And it's that gay rights thing, the no hate thing.

01:49:19.000 It's N8. It's gay rights and Jesus together in harmony, in heroin. 1.00

01:49:26.000 It's amazing.

01:49:27.000 I'll go with eight milligrams of the cross, please.

01:49:30.000 Yeah, it's definitely more sword-like than cross-like, but if you were like a super cross person, you could go.

01:49:37.000 Or if you hated Christians.

01:49:38.000 It was just a tall cross.

01:49:42.000 It does look like a knife.

01:49:43.000 It does a little bit.

01:49:44.000 But why that?

01:49:46.000 No, exactly.

01:49:47.000 Because you're fighting against heroin addiction with heroin.

01:49:49.000 With a pointy thing?

01:49:51.000 I think it's Tower 7. It looks like a goddamn syringe. 1.00

01:49:54.000 I can help people on drugs. 1.00

01:49:57.000 Brian just said it's Tower 7. That's what it is.

01:50:02.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:50:03.000 That is really fucking crazy, though. 0.99

01:50:06.000 That's how they do it. 0.99

01:50:07.000 Now they're giving it to alcoholics, too, to get them off of that.

01:50:09.000 Give you a little heroin to get it off of alcohol?

01:50:11.000 Mm-hmm.

01:50:11.000 It's hilarious.

01:50:12.000 Isn't that some shit, man? 1.00

01:50:13.000 It's hilarious that they're just allowed to do that. 1.00

01:50:16.000 They could just decide they're going to just give you drugs.

01:50:18.000 90 days supply.

01:50:19.000 You kick a user who's only been clean 30 days.

01:50:22.000 You give him 90 days supply of Zaboxin and send him on his way to some other city.

01:50:26.000 So do they have to take piss tests when they go into these rehab places? 0.99

01:50:29.000 Nope. 0.97

01:50:29.000 So they might be on Suboxone and who knows what the fuck else. 0.97

01:50:32.000 They are.

01:50:32.000 They trade them.

01:50:33.000 They trade them.

01:50:34.000 We have athletes pissing into cups every two weeks, but people who need the help.

01:50:39.000 Exactly.

01:50:40.000 We pay $1,500 a day and we don't drug test them at all. 1.00

01:50:43.000 We drug test them when they get there just to find out all the shit they're on so if they give them other shit they don't accidentally kill them. 1.00

01:50:49.000 Wow! 1.00

01:50:51.000 That's it.

01:50:51.000 I want to know if this is all across the country.

01:50:53.000 I want to know if this is like California, is it Michigan?

01:50:56.000 Of course it's only in Florida.

01:51:01.000 Probably, right?

01:51:02.000 It's one of the craziest places ever. 0.64

01:51:04.000 It's the easiest place to get drugs. 0.93

01:51:05.000 I would agree.

01:51:08.000 Now you don't even need insurance or money.

01:51:10.000 It's hard to get pot.

01:51:12.000 It's not an easy spot to get pot, right?

01:51:14.000 It's a little shifty.

01:51:15.000 You've got to park and meet somebody.

01:51:18.000 As opposed to walking into a government-run facility.

01:51:20.000 As opposed to getting it delivered to you with your breakfast in the morning.

01:51:23.000 Can I speak to my senator, please?

01:51:24.000 I need a buzz.

01:51:25.000 They're essentially giving them pills and giving them a house to live in.

01:51:29.000 Yeah.

01:51:30.000 And then transport to any city they want to go hang out with more drug addicts and have some more fun.

01:51:34.000 And we're paying for it!

01:51:35.000 That's right.

01:51:36.000 Now I understand where Nick DePaulo's anger comes from. 0.98

01:51:38.000 Goddamn right. 0.96

01:51:39.000 That's where that right-wing rage, that Fox News rage! 1.00

01:51:42.000 No, it's fucking... 1.00

01:51:43.000 You keep saying that, Joe. 1.00

01:51:45.000 Fucking what are you watching, MSNBC? Fox News Red Eye's a good show. 1.00

01:51:49.000 Isn't it a good show? 0.99

01:51:50.000 They don't pay, and fucking there's no exposure. 0.99

01:51:52.000 I quit doing it. 1.00

01:51:53.000 They don't pay?

01:51:54.000 No.

01:51:54.000 They don't pay you at all?

01:51:55.000 Nope.

01:51:55.000 Whoa.

01:51:56.000 I used to bust Gutfeld's balls when I was doing it. 1.00

01:51:58.000 I go, what the fuck? 1.00

01:51:59.000 You're on at three in the morning. 1.00

01:52:00.000 Not exactly a lot of exposure.

01:52:02.000 I'm getting no money.

01:52:03.000 And now you want me to research the topics?

01:52:05.000 But don't they have like a scale?

01:52:07.000 They don't have like a...

01:52:08.000 None of that.

01:52:09.000 What?

01:52:10.000 Which is funny, I know, because you think how successful...

01:52:12.000 You know, and also...

01:52:15.000 Those shows are good because they have guys like you on.

01:52:17.000 I mean, that's what makes them fun.

01:52:18.000 You know, guys like you and Norton and Anthony.

01:52:21.000 Right.

01:52:22.000 You an Opie and Anthony fan, brother?

01:52:23.000 Oh, I am. 1.00

01:52:24.000 Fuck yeah, right? 1.00

01:52:25.000 I am, man. 1.00

01:52:26.000 This makes me sad that they're still split up. 0.99

01:52:28.000 I thought they would have worked this shit out by now. 0.99

01:52:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:52:30.000 Got back together again.

01:52:32.000 Yeah.

01:52:34.000 Poor Anthony.

01:52:36.000 Hopefully they will.

01:52:37.000 Hopefully they will.

01:52:38.000 So you stopped doing this, you gave up your license, and what are you doing now?

01:52:43.000 You're doing more counseling now?

01:52:45.000 No, I can't say I'm not allowed to say counseling and therapy because of the license thing.

01:52:49.000 So now you're doing like, you're just helping people with their lives?

01:52:52.000 Actually, I do a thing that I call full synergy, right? 0.98

01:52:55.000 It's some fun language play shit. 0.95

01:52:57.000 But for the most part, man, I believe in feeding the mind, feeding the body, and feeding whatever it is you believe equally on a daily. 0.99

01:53:03.000 You know, keeping a balance.

01:53:04.000 You know, feeding the body, relaxes the mind, etc.

01:53:07.000 That kind of stuff, you know? 0.99

01:53:08.000 And so what I'm doing is, I use my theory, and instead of sitting down doing this talk therapy, so tell me about your fucking childhood or some shit. 0.99

01:53:16.000 Because none of that shit really matters, but to a point. 0.96

01:53:19.000 But it's going right into helping people kind of look at what their life philosophy is, you know, helping them build a more rational life philosophy to make decisions and build a purposeful routine is what I call it, a purposeful structure. 0.79

01:53:30.000 So do you get clients from, like, you get them privately now?

01:53:35.000 Yeah.

01:53:36.000 So they have to know about you from someone else or something like that?

01:53:38.000 Yeah, for the most part.

01:53:39.000 How do they find out about you?

01:53:41.000 Usually a friend of a friend or somebody that knows. 0.99

01:53:44.000 I have this fucking talent of helping out the worst of the worst, man. 0.99

01:53:48.000 You know, the people that have been 15, 20 years on heroin and hard stuff. 0.99

01:53:54.000 We do some out-of-the-box treatments ever since I started listening to your show.

01:53:59.000 Uh-oh.

01:53:59.000 What kind of out-of-the-box treatments are you doing, sir?

01:54:06.000 Just an open idea to look into it myself to make those decisions.

01:54:09.000 What's that DDT? DDT. Yeah, that shit that kills mosquitoes? 0.99

01:54:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:13.000 Sanka.

01:54:14.000 Right. 1.00

01:54:17.000 Shit. 1.00

01:54:17.000 My wife and I, after I tell you last night, just finished the little psilocybin retreat, if you will, me and her at the Joshua Tree. 1.00

01:54:24.000 Did you tell the drug addicts about this?

01:54:26.000 Yeah.

01:54:27.000 You, like, let them know?

01:54:28.000 Yeah.

01:54:28.000 You could try some other stuff?

01:54:29.000 Yeah.

01:54:30.000 That would be amazing. 0.99

01:54:31.000 If they had a fucking mushroom place where you can go, just like they're doing with the Suboxone shit, if you had, like, a halfway mushroom house? 1.00

01:54:36.000 Well, like you said, that shit changes your perspective sometimes, right? 1.00

01:54:39.000 On life, so it might even work in the... 1.00

01:54:41.000 It does.

01:54:42.000 Does it? 1.00

01:54:42.000 I'm afraid of that shit. 1.00

01:54:43.000 It would work way better because you'd want to get the fuck out of that halfway house. 1.00

01:54:47.000 That's the first thing you'd want to do.

01:54:48.000 You'd be ambitious.

01:54:49.000 You'd be like, I gotta get...

01:54:50.000 This is not what I'm...

01:54:51.000 I'm doing the wrong thing.

01:54:52.000 I gotta get my life in order.

01:54:53.000 Like, what am I doing here?

01:54:54.000 Accepting a government check and taking mushrooms?

01:54:57.000 Well, you walk into a facility and they go, bipolar, and they go, thank you, I can collect that check now.

01:55:01.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:55:01.000 Exactly.

01:55:02.000 So now you collect those.

01:55:03.000 Now you just...

01:55:04.000 It's very small.

01:55:05.000 You're not getting rich off of it by any means.

01:55:06.000 No, but it's enough to take any ambition away.

01:55:09.000 But if I give you 90 Zaboxin and you only need 30 and you sell the 60...

01:55:13.000 Well, there you go.

01:55:13.000 What are you going to do with that money?

01:55:15.000 There you go.

01:55:15.000 So what is a Zaboxin?

01:55:17.000 Like one a day?

01:55:18.000 And they would give them 90 for 90 days or 90 for 30 days?

01:55:21.000 90 for 30 days.

01:55:22.000 Oh, my God.

01:55:23.000 So they give three a day.

01:55:24.000 So you'd just be barbecued all day long.

01:55:27.000 Done.

01:55:27.000 Just be toasted.

01:55:28.000 I'd have people sitting in my group therapy...

01:55:30.000 Nodding right there.

01:55:31.000 Drooling. 0.61

01:55:32.000 Zaboxin the fuck out. 0.58

01:55:33.000 Kolodopin, Zaboxin, and Dilaudid. 0.93

01:55:35.000 That is crazy that this is a therapy program.

01:55:38.000 That you guys would be talking to people just jacked out of their mind.

01:55:42.000 Out.

01:55:42.000 So maybe Brody's on to something this whole time.

01:55:47.000 What's that sound?

01:55:48.000 Oh, it's that trashcan thing.

01:55:49.000 Outside?

01:55:49.000 Oh.

01:55:50.000 That's so loud.

01:55:51.000 Maybe Brode is on or something. 1.00

01:55:53.000 Shit. 1.00

01:55:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:54.000 I mean, he's been weaning himself off lately, supposedly. 1.00

01:55:57.000 And what did they have him on?

01:55:58.000 Klonopkin, uh, I don't know, a ton.

01:56:01.000 Did they have him on Zaboxin?

01:56:03.000 I haven't heard suboxion.

01:56:05.000 Because that's the thing, when you said that name, I was like, have I heard that name from Brody before?

01:56:09.000 Maybe.

01:56:09.000 I don't know.

01:56:10.000 See, I don't know enough about those fucking pills to know exactly what that means. 0.98

01:56:13.000 You know, like, I didn't know that Oxycontin is different than Oxycodone, it's different than Vicodin, but they're all kind of similar, right? 0.98

01:56:22.000 After all that Oxycontin Express stuff, they changed the compounds in it so it became less addictive and also so you couldn't smoke it anymore.

01:56:28.000 Really?

01:56:29.000 Yeah.

01:56:29.000 That's why they changed it.

01:56:30.000 Wow.

01:56:32.000 That's amazing.

01:56:33.000 So that documentary did a world of good.

01:56:35.000 Huge.

01:56:36.000 Anybody who hasn't seen that, you've got to watch it.

01:56:38.000 It wasn't that long ago they were running this.

01:56:40.000 They had these pain management centers.

01:56:42.000 You'd show up at the pain management center.

01:56:43.000 Oh, my back. 1.00

01:56:44.000 The doctor would go, yeah, man, you need some fucking drugs. 1.00

01:56:46.000 Just walk right there. 0.99

01:56:49.000 And there was another desk right there that had the drugs.

01:56:52.000 I mean like literally he was like in the same room as him and he would go right to the pharmacist.

01:56:56.000 The pharmacist would write you a little thing and give you a package and you're out the door and you've got drugs.

01:57:00.000 One of the clients I worked with, his scam that he used to do is he would get like three or four big charter buses, those giant ones, and fill it with senior citizens from another state. 1.00

01:57:10.000 Drive them down to Florida and promise them a trip to Florida, sightseeing, and lunch.

01:57:14.000 Drive them down here, get all their scripts, fill them all completely, drive them back, and keep all of their medications.

01:57:21.000 Whoa.

01:57:22.000 Yeah.

01:57:23.000 So, did he get the scripts from them?

01:57:25.000 Did they have to sign the scripts over?

01:57:27.000 All of it.

01:57:28.000 So, it was part of their deal.

01:57:29.000 That's right.

01:57:29.000 They realized it.

01:57:30.000 They go, yeah, you can do this.

01:57:31.000 And was that legal, or was that all...

01:57:32.000 No, that's all illegal.

01:57:33.000 Oh, my God.

01:57:34.000 That was hitting the pill mills you were just talking about.

01:57:36.000 Jesus Christ.

01:57:37.000 That's good of us.

01:57:38.000 Mm-mm.

01:57:40.000 How much money could you make off of a bus of old people and their pills? 1.00

01:57:43.000 Go to Miami.

01:57:44.000 Figures 60 people, 30 to 90 pills at 20 to 50 a pill?

01:57:48.000 I'm not even smart enough to be a criminal. 1.00

01:57:49.000 That's what's pissing me off about all this shit. 0.99

01:57:52.000 I don't think this is one of those legal... 0.99

01:57:54.000 This isn't legal.

01:57:55.000 No.

01:57:56.000 But it is legal to have those pain management centers and just walking out the street.

01:58:00.000 They're cracking down on Nolan, Florida.

01:58:01.000 They're really pushing them out now.

01:58:03.000 Because of that.

01:58:03.000 Because of the documentary, they've really shut them down.

01:58:06.000 But all they've done now is turn to psychiatric facilities.

01:58:09.000 There's three different levels of psych facilities.

01:58:11.000 And now Obama put out another five...

01:58:13.000 Was it five million or five billion to open up more?

01:58:15.000 Because there's a need for it.

01:58:17.000 You said Obama.

01:58:17.000 You said the O-word by Nick DiPaolo.

01:58:19.000 Ah, shit, that's towards him. 0.99

01:58:20.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:58:23.000 Big government ain't coming from my side of the fucking... 0.99

01:58:25.000 It sounds good, because it's wrapped in the shroud of, we're opening more mental health facilities. 1.00

01:58:29.000 That's what they always wrap their horse shit in. 0.99

01:58:31.000 Exactly. 0.99

01:58:33.000 It's a convincing argument against big government, for sure.

01:58:36.000 It's a convincing argument that people, when you give them the opportunity to make a shitload of money by controlling a segment of anything, whether it's, you know, whatever it is, mental health, anything, as soon as they figure out there's a spot where they can start extracting money, They just do it.

01:58:51.000 They take your ambition away.

01:58:53.000 You focus on that a lot, right?

01:58:55.000 And it's totally true.

01:58:56.000 I mean, anybody who says it's not, the idea that you violate human nature.

01:59:02.000 Human nature is if someone has to scratch and scrounge, you get ambitious, you figure your way out of a hole.

01:59:07.000 That's what most people do.

01:59:09.000 A lot of the people that I've seen in these hospitals, you see a glimmer of hope that want to do that, but then they're hit by the same phrase I get way fucking tired of hearing.

01:59:19.000 It's not your fault. 0.99

01:59:20.000 You have a disease. 0.97

01:59:22.000 There you go. 0.76

01:59:23.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:59:24.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:59:26.000 That's like a blanket statement for the times we live in. 1.00

01:59:29.000 Nobody's responsible for anything or accountable for anything. 0.58

01:59:32.000 That happened in the 70s, too, when Mr. Carl Rogers came out with positive psychology, when we sit in front of you and tell you how great you are at everything, despite how shitty you are at everything.

01:59:40.000 And so as we start to tell you you're great at everything, now we can go, well...

01:59:44.000 It's not a disease.

01:59:45.000 It's a disease.

01:59:46.000 I mean, it's not your fault.

01:59:47.000 So, you know, just be an AA the rest of your life.

01:59:50.000 Do nothing.

01:59:52.000 Wouldn't you agree, sorry to interrupt you, but it is kind of a disease?

01:59:56.000 To a point, what they're really trying to say is that after a long time of doing it, we don't know what's up with your brain.

02:00:02.000 You know, you had Carl Hart, Dr. Carl Hart on here.

02:00:04.000 I'm a huge follower of him.

02:00:05.000 Yeah, he's awesome.

02:00:06.000 When he did, you had it on here, the brain scans.

02:00:08.000 Everyone's seen the famous brain scan of methamphetamine and not.

02:00:11.000 This person's on meth, this person's not.

02:00:13.000 And you see the dark blue part and the light up part of the brain.

02:00:17.000 Well, what they don't tell you is that's normal differentiation.

02:00:19.000 If all of us took a brain map right now, it'd all be different.

02:00:22.000 And the difference between the person on meth and not on meth is within normal range. 0.99

02:00:26.000 It means fucking nothing. 0.99

02:00:28.000 Right. 0.99

02:00:28.000 Really? 0.99

02:00:29.000 It means absolutely nothing.

02:00:30.000 Whoa.

02:00:32.000 So people just sort of acclimate to it?

02:00:34.000 They see a picture.

02:00:35.000 You know, it's McDonald's.

02:00:36.000 I want that.

02:00:36.000 There it is right there.

02:00:37.000 Yeah, that.

02:00:38.000 That's it.

02:00:39.000 How hilarious.

02:00:40.000 And he would say it means absolutely nothing.

02:00:42.000 It's all normal differentiation.

02:00:44.000 Wow.

02:00:45.000 So it varies throughout the day.

02:00:47.000 It varies based on what you're doing.

02:00:48.000 Yeah.

02:00:49.000 Wow.

02:00:50.000 Remember, he says that 85% of the people using methamphetamine have never been to rehab, never been on disability and work.

02:00:57.000 Yeah, he was very illuminating.

02:00:59.000 A lot of things he was saying about what it actually feels like to get off of a drug.

02:01:03.000 He's like, everybody makes it out like it's this horrible thing to withdraw.

02:01:05.000 He's like, it's like having the flu.

02:01:07.000 It's like you feel shitty for a little while.

02:01:09.000 Alcohol and benzodiazepines are truly the only two drugs you can die detoxing from.

02:01:14.000 Alcohol is the worst.

02:01:15.000 It affects every organ in your body at once.

02:01:18.000 Isn't that what took out Amy Winehouse? 1.00

02:01:20.000 I think that's what took her out.

02:01:21.000 I think she got off of alcohol.

02:01:23.000 Withdrawal symptoms.

02:01:24.000 Yeah.

02:01:24.000 Just whacked her out.

02:01:25.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:01:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:01:26.000 Fucking alcohol did her in. 1.00

02:01:28.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:01:29.000 So how can you fix this thing?

02:01:31.000 How can this thing be fixed?

02:01:33.000 The first thing is decriminalization, period. 0.99

02:01:39.000 I mean, you don't lock somebody up when they just need help trying to get their life together, and A, drugs are a fucking symptom. 0.98

02:01:45.000 Stop treating the symptom. 0.99

02:01:47.000 I mean, we got people all cooped up, telling them they got fucking personal defects, whatever the fuck that means, and then sitting them in a circle and going... 0.99

02:01:54.000 I have a few of those. 0.99

02:01:56.000 No, no, but your higher power made you perfect.

02:01:58.000 Oh, okay.

02:02:00.000 I was trying to get better, but not anymore.

02:02:04.000 We could just start a Kickstarter and try to get a border around Florida and give it to Puerto Rico or something.

02:02:09.000 Give it to them.

02:02:11.000 At what point do you get offended when someone has a Kickstarter?

02:02:14.000 Do you get offended when someone wants to kickstart a tour or kickstart a t-shirt line?

02:02:20.000 The kickstarting, like, hey, pay my rent, people, that's a lot.

02:02:24.000 Cool.

02:02:25.000 I saw a Kickstarter the other day, a guy who did Ren and Stimpy, I forget his name, a very popular artist, and he wants to do a new cartoon.

02:02:32.000 It's that kind of stuff.

02:02:34.000 I'm creating something.

02:02:35.000 Right.

02:02:36.000 Yeah, but isn't he rich enough already?

02:02:37.000 No.

02:02:38.000 I don't know if he kept that money.

02:02:39.000 He might have been doing blow.

02:02:40.000 Hey, I get sick kids.

02:02:41.000 That's the one I always see.

02:02:43.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that one.

02:02:44.000 Hey, my kid's sick.

02:02:45.000 Those GoFundMe ones?

02:02:46.000 The problem with those is somebody will tweet them, would you please retweet this?

02:02:49.000 You're like...

02:02:50.000 I definitely want to if it's real, but I definitely don't want to if it's fake.

02:02:54.000 So it's hard to tell.

02:02:56.000 So you've got to do a little fishing around, or you've just got to say, well...

02:03:00.000 And then it's just too much work, because I have to research and see if this kid even exists.

02:03:03.000 I asked for the x-ray of the kid's liver, and...

02:03:07.000 I need a blood sample.

02:03:08.000 If you're in Florida, they would give you the...

02:03:09.000 Blood, stool, and urine.

02:03:10.000 Yeah, mail that kid and log to me. 0.92

02:03:14.000 FedEx that piss to me tomorrow and I'll send you six bucks. 0.99

02:03:16.000 It's nice that people do that, though.

02:03:18.000 Like, when something legitimately does come up and someone can help somebody, I think it's cool.

02:03:23.000 I think it's one of the cooler things about the Internet that we have.

02:03:25.000 And that's ultimately what charity really should be, right?

02:03:29.000 It shouldn't be, like, something that the government provides.

02:03:31.000 It should be something that people provide to each other.

02:03:33.000 That's right.

02:03:33.000 It's free market.

02:03:33.000 That's right.

02:03:35.000 Well, I mean, for the government, essentially, we have so many hands in the pot.

02:03:40.000 I mean, if we were all on an island and we all got some sort of virus, we've got to finish the whole antibacterial, right?

02:03:47.000 We've got to finish the antibiotic, right, to be able to cure it.

02:03:50.000 But what we're doing in the United States is going, here's ten problems.

02:03:54.000 Out of these ten problems, all of you get one antibiotic.

02:03:56.000 There you go.

02:03:57.000 And then we'll be fine.

02:03:59.000 That's what we're doing.

02:04:00.000 I mean, you've eventually got to pull everything and go, alright, we have to fix this first and then we'll move on, you know?

02:04:06.000 One person or one field or one group of people has to finish the antibiotic to help out with the virus before we're just passing out to everybody.

02:04:12.000 Did you ever feel while you were working there that you were engaged in like a system that will never be fixed? 0.99

02:04:18.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:04:19.000 I mean, you must feel like that. 1.00

02:04:21.000 It broke me, man. 0.99

02:04:21.000 No shit, it broke me, man. 0.99

02:04:24.000 I walked in, you know, ready, like I said, ready to help the world and do what I can. 1.00

02:04:28.000 And by the time I had to leave, you know, well, kind of asked me to leave, after about a year or so, I was just like, what the fuck? 0.98

02:04:36.000 You know, I started feeling bad for the patients that are caught up in it, because now you're hooked on it so much, you believe it. 0.97

02:04:41.000 I mean, and a lot of people are just doing what the white coat tells them.

02:04:44.000 I mean, that's how we're taught.

02:04:46.000 So you trust your doctor. 0.99

02:04:47.000 But the days of trusting your doctor these days, unless you find really good ones, is fucking dead, man. 0.98

02:04:52.000 I mean, I got parents that call me that are friends of mine. 0.99

02:04:55.000 And they're talking to me about putting their kids on these drugs or this drug. 0.99

02:04:59.000 And he's like a six-year-old who's just an awesome fucking kid. 1.00

02:05:01.000 He's just running around like a badass, you know, doing kid shit. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Yeah, get the little boys on Ritalin. 0.99

02:05:07.000 Ten minutes I try to convince this person nothing's wrong with their own child.

02:05:10.000 Yeah.

02:05:11.000 There you go.

02:05:12.000 Oh, something's wrong.

02:05:13.000 Oh, look.

02:05:14.000 So I'm like, yeah, look, he's five and he's awesome.

02:05:17.000 Well, when they tell you that a kid can't pay attention in school, so you got to put him on Adderall.

02:05:21.000 I was talking to my friend Justin about this just yesterday.

02:05:24.000 Couldn't pay attention in school, so they're putting him on Adderall. 1.00

02:05:26.000 I go, dude, school is boring as fuck. 1.00

02:05:29.000 Especially for a kid that has... 1.00

02:05:29.000 And he's a wild little kid. 1.00

02:05:31.000 Exactly.

02:05:31.000 Wild, energetic kid, so they'll tell you there's something wrong with you.

02:05:34.000 They put him on methamphetamine.

02:05:35.000 Put him on Adderall.

02:05:36.000 Methamphetamine.

02:05:36.000 Yeah.

02:05:37.000 Yeah.

02:05:37.000 I mean, that's what it is, right?

02:05:38.000 Yeah.

02:05:39.000 I mean, what is it, a close cousin to methamphetamine?

02:05:42.000 Yeah, it's just one additional molecule that changes the makeup, but it's essentially the same thing.

02:05:46.000 Does it have the same effect on impulse control?

02:05:49.000 Because isn't that a big thing with meth? 1.00

02:05:51.000 Like, they start doing really dumb shit? 1.00

02:05:54.000 Well, people that may have ADHD or whatever that is, they may have it. 1.00

02:05:58.000 If, say, they drink caffeine or they do something like Adderall or a stimulant, it causes focus.

02:06:04.000 And so you get focus, and if somebody that doesn't have attention problems or etc.

02:06:08.000 drinks your coffee, you get hype, you get moving, you can't stay still, right.

02:06:12.000 So it does the opposite?

02:06:13.000 That's right.

02:06:14.000 Somebody who's got ADD, if they drink caffeine, they tend to focus more?

02:06:17.000 That's right.

02:06:18.000 So that makes, and I've heard that people that have ADD that drink coffee, sometimes they'll be sleepy.

02:06:23.000 That's right.

02:06:23.000 That's me.

02:06:24.000 100. Brian.

02:06:25.000 I could drink coffee at 2 in the morning if I was asleep.

02:06:27.000 But isn't that also a tolerance issue because you drink a lot of coffee?

02:06:30.000 Because you drink a lot of caffeinated beverages, right?

02:06:32.000 That's true.

02:06:32.000 And now that these cold-pressed coffees, everyone has these cold-pressed, they're like 10 times the amount of caffeine than a regular iced coffee.

02:06:41.000 This is 10 times more than an iced coffee from Starbucks, and iced coffee from Starbucks is 10 times more than a hot coffee from Starbucks.

02:06:48.000 What?

02:06:48.000 There's some crazy amount.

02:06:50.000 So cold brew has more caffeine?

02:06:52.000 Oh yeah, times more.

02:06:52.000 You've got to try one of those.

02:06:53.000 Open up that refrigerator and get one of those caveman coffees, those nitros. 1.00

02:06:56.000 Take can't even keep them in stock.

02:06:58.000 Oh, dude.

02:07:00.000 They get you a little too amped up.

02:07:01.000 Go to the gym with those.

02:07:02.000 I tear muscles.

02:07:03.000 Yeah, start taking it.

02:07:04.000 There's some things you may not know about your own alpha brain and new mood, man.

02:07:07.000 I wanted to tell you.

02:07:08.000 What do you want to tell me? 0.98

02:07:09.000 One, I fucking love it. 0.85

02:07:11.000 It changed my life, but I don't want to put it out there and people may think that it really does what I'm gonna say it does, but it's what it did for me. 0.92

02:07:16.000 Okay.

02:07:17.000 Literally, quit smoking cigarettes because of that.

02:07:22.000 How's that? 0.99

02:07:22.000 I don't fucking know. 0.99

02:07:24.000 I think you could quit smoking cigarettes because you didn't want to smoke cigarettes. 0.99

02:07:29.000 To a point.

02:07:29.000 What AlphaBrain does is it helps your memory, helps what they call executive function, even helps reaction time.

02:07:35.000 There's all sorts of things that have been proven that all the ingredients in that stuff do.

02:07:40.000 And new moods.

02:07:41.000 Well, those are good things.

02:07:43.000 I had Dr. Rhonda Patrick on the podcast yesterday, and she's amazing, and she was talking about addiction.

02:07:48.000 And she was talking about people with impulse control issues and related that to serotonin deficiencies and 5-HTP and L-tryptophan, which is what new moods made out of, which converts to serotonin in your body and how important that is to maximize that.

02:08:03.000 Literally, your impulse control and addictions and things like that can be affected by those chemicals that are in your brain.

02:08:09.000 And you can supplement those chemicals and literally change the way you behave. 0.98

02:08:14.000 It's fucking bizarre stuff. 0.99

02:08:16.000 Naturally, without drugs. 1.00

02:08:18.000 That's right.

02:08:18.000 Yeah, and no withdrawal symptoms.

02:08:20.000 If you don't take Alpha Brain, you just didn't take it.

02:08:22.000 It doesn't do anything to you.

02:08:23.000 Same thing with just regular 5-HTP that you can get at any store.

02:08:26.000 Just regular 5-HTP that you can get at any vitamin store will absolutely enhance your brain's production of serotonin.

02:08:32.000 So much so that they tell people that are on SSRIs to not take it.

02:08:35.000 Yeah.

02:08:35.000 Because if you're taking that stuff, you could get like serotonin syndrome where you have too much serotonin.

02:08:39.000 I want that.

02:08:40.000 No.

02:08:42.000 Please let me have that.

02:08:44.000 I ate mushrooms twice in Toronto this last weekend. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Oh, shit, son. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Friday and Saturday night. 1.00

02:08:49.000 But the second day, I don't know if mushrooms takes your serotonin at all, but Saturday I was so sad.

02:08:53.000 I was crying at everything.

02:08:55.000 I was just in my hotel room crying.

02:08:57.000 I've never heard that before.

02:08:58.000 Are you sure it wasn't at the hotel?

02:08:59.000 It does.

02:08:59.000 Does it do that?

02:09:00.000 But all you've got to do is pop two new mood after that in your grave.

02:09:02.000 Yeah.

02:09:03.000 So it's just your levels get depleted by mushrooms?

02:09:07.000 I never heard of mushrooms, but that's what somebody else told me.

02:09:10.000 Because the second night I was just a mess.

02:09:12.000 Maybe it's just the two nights in a row you just wrecked it.

02:09:14.000 Do you still off the cigarettes?

02:09:16.000 I kind of cheated in Toronto.

02:09:19.000 It was hard!

02:09:20.000 You're on mushrooms and everyone's smoking.

02:09:22.000 I went to this bar.

02:09:25.000 I went to this bar.

02:09:27.000 It was awesome.

02:09:27.000 It's called the Bill Hicks Bar, and this guy owns a bar called the Bill Hicks Bar, and it's this really small bar, and you walk in, and it's the most amazing little hole-in-the-wall bar.

02:09:35.000 Drinks are super cheap, and he's just a huge Hicks fan.

02:09:38.000 He's like the nicest owner ever.

02:09:40.000 What a great idea for a bar.

02:09:42.000 Highly recommend it.

02:09:43.000 It's called Bill Hicks Bar.

02:09:44.000 Where is it?

02:09:44.000 It's right down the street from the Comedy Underground.

02:09:47.000 From the Louis Anderson...

02:09:49.000 Yeah.

02:09:50.000 In a Louis Henderson daycare.

02:09:53.000 You got to see Hicks when he came through Boston, didn't you?

02:09:55.000 I got to see Hicks when I moved to New York.

02:09:58.000 Oh, really?

02:09:58.000 Yeah.

02:09:59.000 He actually came up to me and said he liked one of my bits about girls having dirty tits or something. 0.99

02:10:06.000 I remember that bit. 0.99

02:10:07.000 That bit was hilarious.

02:10:08.000 And I was like, oh my god.

02:10:09.000 I was like, Ted Williams just told me I could hit a baseball.

02:10:12.000 Yeah, even when he was in his 30s, he was just such a strange guy.

02:10:16.000 He was like a mystical guy.

02:10:18.000 He died really young.

02:10:21.000 He was only like 32 or 33 when he died.

02:10:24.000 The Bill Hicks bar.

02:10:25.000 All drinks.

02:10:26.000 We walk in and he's watching Fletch on this really small TV and he has all these records hanging up.

02:10:32.000 Did it just start? 0.99

02:10:33.000 It says the shit's open. 1.00

02:10:34.000 July 13th? 1.00

02:10:35.000 Is that what it said?

02:10:36.000 18th?

02:10:36.000 No, it's been open for a while.

02:10:38.000 But yeah, he closed the bar just for us and everyone from the show came over and we just drank all night. 0.99

02:10:43.000 Sounds like Brian's having a goddamn party in Toronto. 0.98

02:10:45.000 Look at you, hanging out with Dean Del Rey, partying rock star style. 0.99

02:10:50.000 Yeah.

02:10:51.000 And he's sitting there eating candy and just has bags of candy.

02:10:54.000 He's like, Brian, check this out!

02:10:55.000 And all these different Twizzlers where I'm shrooming.

02:10:58.000 He doesn't do anything, right?

02:10:59.000 He doesn't do anything.

02:11:00.000 He's been sober for 20-some years.

02:11:02.000 Meanwhile, he's wrecking his body by eating candy.

02:11:04.000 Oh, that's what I was telling him.

02:11:06.000 He's like, I quit caffeine!

02:11:07.000 I'm like, yeah, but you just ate seven Snickers bars and you have 20 gummy bears in your hands.

02:11:12.000 I love when dudes have horrible health habits and they'll talk about how they quit doing one of them.

02:11:18.000 Quit caffeine.

02:11:19.000 He was telling me the other day that, oh yeah, my memory's better, everything's better.

02:11:23.000 Quit that caffeine, man.

02:11:24.000 I'm done.

02:11:25.000 Quit caffeine, yeah.

02:11:26.000 As he ate like $1,000 worth of barbecue, you know, the next day.

02:11:32.000 Barbecue's not bad for you.

02:11:33.000 It's not as bad for you as sugar.

02:11:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:36.000 Sugar is fucking bad, man. 0.99

02:11:37.000 That was one thing that Rhonda was covering yesterday, like the effect of inflammation of sugar when you eat it and what it does to your gut health. 1.00

02:11:45.000 Poison, right?

02:11:45.000 Yeah.

02:11:45.000 Especially as we get the BRH, Nick DiPaolo, we get a little bit older.

02:11:49.000 I was never a sugar guy, though.

02:11:50.000 No?

02:11:50.000 No.

02:11:50.000 I'm less of a sugar guy.

02:11:51.000 I'm getting so as I get older, though.

02:11:53.000 I'm going the other way. 1.00

02:11:54.000 I'm starting to like ice cream and shit. 1.00

02:11:56.000 I never liked ice cream and cookies and shit. 1.00

02:11:57.000 They say that about old people. 0.99

02:11:58.000 That's right.

02:11:59.000 That's my old man.

02:12:00.000 That's all he eats now.

02:12:02.000 Seriously.

02:12:02.000 It's because you can taste it.

02:12:04.000 That's right.

02:12:05.000 Who said that?

02:12:05.000 That's right.

02:12:06.000 Note to self when I'm older.

02:12:08.000 Just leave the sugar alone. 1.00

02:12:09.000 Yeah, it's just...

02:12:10.000 You can't help it.

02:12:10.000 It's all you can taste.

02:12:11.000 Is that what it is?

02:12:12.000 Yeah, it's one of the big reasons.

02:12:13.000 I have a bit about it. 0.97

02:12:14.000 That's why I eat girls' butts now, because I can taste it. 1.00

02:12:18.000 What are they, shit and cotton candy? 1.00

02:12:20.000 No, you can't taste it anymore. 1.00

02:12:22.000 Many years of seasoning.

02:12:24.000 That's why I'm eating girl math.

02:12:25.000 Yeah, when I think of sugar treats...

02:12:27.000 That's how Brian thinks.

02:12:29.000 He's got a very linear path.

02:12:31.000 He doesn't question it.

02:12:33.000 Not if the protein's up front.

02:12:37.000 What is that shirt you're wearing?

02:12:38.000 David Cho.

02:12:39.000 Oh, it's one of his art pieces?

02:12:41.000 Yeah.

02:12:41.000 Oh, wow.

02:12:44.000 David Cho.

02:12:44.000 I wore my special shirt today, too.

02:12:46.000 What is that?

02:12:46.000 Is that one of your clients?

02:12:48.000 Former clients?

02:12:50.000 Is that El Chapo?

02:12:51.000 That's El Chapo.

02:12:53.000 That was his middle school picture.

02:12:55.000 That's right.

02:12:56.000 No, I stole it from my friend D, but it's a shirt trying to get awareness that if, you know, the drug problem, what they're doing, the cartels are over there, this is how the kids are coming up.

02:13:05.000 And it's just kind of doing awareness.

02:13:06.000 Is that a real kid?

02:13:07.000 Oh, I don't know how they did it, but they made it happen.

02:13:10.000 He's got a big hand.

02:13:11.000 Yeah, he's got Will Chamberlain's hand. 1.00

02:13:13.000 Probably has a fucking hog on him. 0.99

02:13:15.000 Yeah, actually, I got approached by three Mexicans in a parking lot when I wore this shirt that I thought they were going to... 1.00

02:13:20.000 And they liked it?

02:13:21.000 No.

02:13:21.000 No, they're mad at you?

02:13:22.000 They're mad at you?

02:13:22.000 What did they say?

02:13:23.000 Hey, white boy.

02:13:24.000 Well, who said they're Mexican? 0.97

02:13:25.000 And then I explained it.

02:13:26.000 And they were like, oh, that's good.

02:13:28.000 Never mind.

02:13:28.000 That's good.

02:13:29.000 That's good.

02:13:29.000 You know, but it's offensive to the first look.

02:13:31.000 Like most people, they look at it and go, oh, shit. 1.00

02:13:33.000 I'm offended. 1.00

02:13:34.000 Right away.

02:13:34.000 Naturally.

02:13:35.000 And they get angry at you.

02:13:36.000 Get a drug for that, would you, please?

02:13:38.000 Yeah, they do.

02:13:39.000 The drug for real is called Shame.

02:13:41.000 Make them less sensitive.

02:13:43.000 Shame.

02:13:44.000 Shame.

02:13:45.000 Little Game of Thrones action.

02:13:47.000 Yeah.

02:13:47.000 You watch Game of Thrones, Nick?

02:13:48.000 No.

02:13:48.000 How dare you.

02:13:49.000 Fuck that shit. 1.00

02:13:50.000 Natasha Leggero is hilarious. 1.00

02:13:51.000 I brought it up to her.

02:13:52.000 She goes, I don't like those shows that are just make-em-ups.

02:13:55.000 I'm with her.

02:13:58.000 I can't suspend my disbelief. 0.99

02:14:00.000 I can't even watch real movies where I'm watching Angelina Jolie beat up six fucking male Navy SEALs. 0.98

02:14:06.000 I'm sorry, I can't get there. 0.98

02:14:07.000 Listen, if you know good moves and the heels are strong, they could take your living on them.

02:14:12.000 That's the best.

02:14:13.000 Stilettos.

02:14:14.000 Stilettos. 0.99

02:14:15.000 Ronda Rousey probably kicked a lot of dudes' asses with stilettos. 1.00

02:14:17.000 Well, no, but I was going to say that to you. 0.99

02:14:19.000 This is where political correctors always have to go one step too far. 1.00

02:14:22.000 I'm watching Bryant Gumbel and his stupid fucking real sports. 1.00

02:14:25.000 And they have to make the comment. 1.00

02:14:27.000 The guy goes, Ronda Rousey is the pound-for-pound, both male or female, best mixed martial arts fighter in the world. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Well, gee, let's find that out.

02:14:38.000 There's an easy way to find that out.

02:14:39.000 There's no way to find that out.

02:14:41.000 The reality about that is totally subjective.

02:14:43.000 In his opinion, she could be the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, but you can never prove that.

02:14:47.000 That's all just completely speculation.

02:14:49.000 Well, you put her against a guy with her experience and her weight.

02:14:54.000 Yeah.

02:14:55.000 Mayweather.

02:14:55.000 And then you find out.

02:14:56.000 Yeah.

02:14:58.000 Just like they did in the 70s.

02:14:59.000 Remember where I rolled the sports, that guy?

02:15:01.000 I think you've got to, pound for pound, you've got to separate the genders. 1.00

02:15:04.000 This is why.

02:15:05.000 But they didn't in the premise, Joe.

02:15:06.000 That's my point.

02:15:07.000 See, the premise, it's a fake premise.

02:15:09.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:15:10.000 But it's a politically correct premise.

02:15:12.000 You're right.

02:15:12.000 It's a fake premise.

02:15:13.000 Nobody calls people on this bullshit. 1.00

02:15:14.000 I'm fucking sitting there yelling at the TV. Well, okay. 1.00

02:15:18.000 And both male and female?

02:15:19.000 She's the best? 0.99

02:15:20.000 Well, let's fucking find out. 1.00

02:15:21.000 I know somebody was calling somebody on some bullshit last night on stage, man. 1.00

02:15:24.000 You were... 1.00

02:15:25.000 Killing it last night, calling that shit out. 1.00

02:15:27.000 I'm not giving away any bits or anything. 0.99

02:15:28.000 Thank you very much.

02:15:29.000 You were ripping somebody up, Joey?

02:15:31.000 No, it was just fun.

02:15:31.000 No, it was awesome.

02:15:33.000 Some people do it, is all I'm saying. 0.99

02:15:35.000 Some people call out bullshit, and that's just... 0.99

02:15:37.000 Oh, Joe does. 1.00

02:15:38.000 That's...

02:15:39.000 I did not know... 0.99

02:15:40.000 This is fucking weird, man. 0.98

02:15:42.000 What a weird, weird time we're in right now. 0.99

02:15:44.000 Mm-hmm.

02:15:45.000 You know?

02:15:45.000 This seems like there's more wackiness going on right now in the world than any time that I could ever remember.

02:15:52.000 Does it seem like that? 1.00

02:15:53.000 Like more hypocrisy, more contradiction, more chaos, more like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:15:57.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:15:58.000 We gotta get through this shit right before it gets better, I'm guessing. 0.99

02:16:01.000 I don't know, does it get worse before it gets better? 0.99

02:16:03.000 I feel like it's getting better.

02:16:03.000 When the words mean nothing, when the language starts, when words don't mean anything anymore, that's a sign of the times.

02:16:09.000 When language doesn't mean anymore?

02:16:10.000 Like, what do you mean? 0.99

02:16:12.000 Political correctness, like the shit, it just doesn't mean anything anymore. 0.99

02:16:15.000 I saw people yesterday on the news out here somewhere protesting. 1.00

02:16:19.000 They were upset because the restrictions are too much on sex offenders.

02:16:24.000 Oh my god.

02:16:25.000 They were picketing.

02:16:26.000 Oh my god. 0.99

02:16:27.000 That's well fucking finished. 0.99

02:16:28.000 Is that really someone was protesting? 0.99

02:16:29.000 If I made a movie making fun of...

02:16:31.000 I couldn't believe what I was watching.

02:16:33.000 It's like a parody of... 1.00

02:16:35.000 The sex offender one is a fucked up one, because there's evidence that shows that when you molest a child, that child is more likely, you could damage them so fucked up, they're more likely to molest somebody else. 1.00

02:16:47.000 Like, you can literally infect them with the sickness that you have. 1.00

02:16:51.000 Most people that are molesters have been molested. 0.99

02:16:53.000 How fucking crazy is that? 0.99

02:16:55.000 I mean, it's just the gift that keeps on giving. 1.00

02:16:58.000 Just the horrible, horrible, horrible disease.

02:17:01.000 I mean, that's like a disease.

02:17:02.000 It's like a disease of the psyche.

02:17:04.000 Like a herpes of the psyche.

02:17:06.000 Like more worse. 0.74

02:17:07.000 Like an AIDS of the psyche.

02:17:08.000 You know?

02:17:09.000 It's a choice.

02:17:10.000 How dare you?

02:17:11.000 What about disease?

02:17:13.000 Can you imagine running that study, though? 1.00

02:17:14.000 It's a fucking choice. 0.98

02:17:16.000 Well, it certainly is a choice to decide whether or not to do exactly the same thing that happened to you. 1.00

02:17:22.000 But the desire to do it is what's fucked up. 0.93

02:17:25.000 Like, the idea... 1.00

02:17:25.000 Like, to everyone in this room, I just assume, I like you guys, I assume none of you want to fuck kids, right? 1.00

02:17:30.000 No, but I've seen a girl underage, and I'm like, holy shit, what a piece of ass. 1.00

02:17:34.000 And I made the decision not to fucking try to move on her. 1.00

02:17:36.000 But that's different. 0.98

02:17:37.000 No, it ain't.

02:17:37.000 That's like 17 and 18. And one of the reasons why it's different...

02:17:40.000 No, I'm talking 14, with a nice ass... 1.00

02:17:45.000 Do you think there's less molesters now since porn has become so available and more available to people that you think there's less molesters? 0.99

02:17:54.000 That's a good argument.

02:17:55.000 You know, there's arguments for that.

02:17:56.000 One of the arguments is that if you give people a release, like video games or like watching even like really offensive, violent porn, that you release that tension inside of them.

02:18:06.000 And the other argument is that it stimulates their fantasy and they want to go out and make it reality.

02:18:11.000 I don't I don't know which one's right.

02:18:12.000 I think the problem is, it's both.

02:18:15.000 I think with some people, it's going to stimulate their fantasies, and they're going to want to go out and actually do that.

02:18:19.000 And with other people, it's going to satiate their evil tendencies.

02:18:23.000 And some people that were molested, they think that's what you're supposed to do.

02:18:26.000 Like, you know, somebody... 0.99

02:18:28.000 You know, like, shit, I was beat as a kid, you know, coming up a few... 0.99

02:18:31.000 It was violent enough. 1.00

02:18:33.000 And so early in my life, I thought that that's what you do. 0.99

02:18:36.000 Somebody says no, doesn't do shit, you hurt them, or you hurt something, you know? 0.99

02:18:40.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

02:18:41.000 And so you just kind of register that this is what happens and this is what you do.

02:18:45.000 And so a lot of people, they were, you know, I had a, I don't know, I want to tell a client's story.

02:18:50.000 Is that all right?

02:18:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

02:18:51.000 Just don't say any names.

02:18:52.000 Yeah, she was molested for eight years by her brother.

02:18:56.000 And underneath, out in the barn where the dad used to work on the car, they had dug a hole and they would work underneath the car.

02:19:02.000 So the brother would take her in the middle of the night and do that.

02:19:04.000 Then dad finds out eight years and then he joins in for the next ten.

02:19:07.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:19:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:19:10.000 And counsel that shit. 1.00

02:19:11.000 What? 1.00

02:19:12.000 Yeah, look at them and say, it's not your fault. 0.99

02:19:14.000 You have a disease.

02:19:15.000 Now you're fine. 0.99

02:19:15.000 Go home. 0.99

02:19:16.000 Oh, my God.

02:19:17.000 Yeah, get through that.

02:19:18.000 Well, you can never get a regular life back.

02:19:20.000 It's like that girl's life is so scarred with those images and memories, I'm sure.

02:19:25.000 But now she'll think that's what she has to do. 0.89

02:19:27.000 So she goes and would begin to put herself in situations to be raped. 1.00

02:19:31.000 Oh, God. 0.97

02:19:32.000 Because that's the comfort zone.

02:19:33.000 That's where they're supposed to be, they believe.

02:19:35.000 Oh, my God.

02:19:36.000 Now, someone could possibly protest against stiff sentences to that.

02:19:43.000 That's insane.

02:19:44.000 That's insane that people were protesting that.

02:19:47.000 They're developing communities now.

02:19:49.000 They're starting to move in one section of cities and gather in total cities like that.

02:19:54.000 Through, like, websites or something like that?

02:19:56.000 Moving to certain areas, man.

02:19:58.000 And guess what?

02:19:58.000 It's in Florida.

02:20:00.000 I thought Florida was weird when I was, like, 18. It's fucked up, man. 1.00

02:20:05.000 When Cops first came out, I go, is there any episodes not from fucking Florida? 0.99

02:20:09.000 I was asking that years ago, and now, like, comics, there's a ton of comics who do that premise now, but I was like, every episode's from, what the fuck's going on in Ocala? 0.95

02:20:19.000 I just left.

02:20:20.000 I've been living on Marco Island and Naples down south.

02:20:22.000 Oh, I know where Marco Island is, yeah.

02:20:23.000 I left there.

02:20:24.000 You could probably change the Southwest Florida tagline to come be as racist as you want to be.

02:20:28.000 You know what I mean?

02:20:29.000 You could.

02:20:29.000 It's crazy.

02:20:31.000 I mean, in gated communities, they're hanging the old word up in the front. 0.99

02:20:35.000 I mean, they're doing shit like that. 0.92

02:20:36.000 I found a word out in Florida that I never heard before. 0.99

02:20:39.000 Geechee's.

02:20:40.000 What the hell is that?

02:20:41.000 You ever heard of Geechee's?

02:20:43.000 Lost. 1.00

02:20:44.000 Damn. 1.00

02:20:45.000 Geechee's is a derogatory term for African Americans. 1.00

02:20:49.000 That's the first for me.

02:20:51.000 Really?

02:20:52.000 No.

02:20:52.000 And I'm from Okoy.

02:20:54.000 A dude who lived in West Palm told me that.

02:20:57.000 They were saying that when they grew up, they were all using the word Geechee to describe black people.

02:21:05.000 What does that mean?

02:21:06.000 What's the derivative?

02:21:07.000 I don't know.

02:21:07.000 It's like their version of the n-word.

02:21:09.000 Wow.

02:21:10.000 That's a first for me.

02:21:12.000 Really?

02:21:12.000 They just used the N-word.

02:21:13.000 Tom Segura, holla at me.

02:21:15.000 Tom Segura knows the story.

02:21:18.000 As a matter of fact, I think Tom Segura was the one who told me about it.

02:21:22.000 Tom Segura grew up in Florida.

02:21:25.000 I got a yell back on the Hey Kane on Sunset the other night. 0.96

02:21:29.000 Yelling like a black guy. 0.99

02:21:30.000 Oh, you did that to him? 0.99

02:21:32.000 Well, it wasn't to him.

02:21:33.000 I just yelled it and I got it back, man.

02:21:35.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:21:36.000 I got a Hey Jay back, whoever Jay is.

02:21:38.000 Hey Jay.

02:21:40.000 What?

02:21:41.000 Tom Segura does this thing.

02:21:42.000 Explain the thing that Tom Segura does.

02:21:44.000 He yells it out. 0.99

02:21:44.000 You gotta yell like a black guy. 0.99

02:21:46.000 Shit, I could try to do it. 1.00

02:21:48.000 It was like, oh, hold up. 1.00

02:21:49.000 Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

02:21:49.000 Then I don't need to do it.

02:21:51.000 Bikes! 0.96

02:21:51.000 He has this thing where, like, if you go around a bunch of black people, yell like a black guy, like, yell something out, someone will, like, yell back. 0.96

02:21:59.000 That's hilarious. 0.93

02:21:59.000 I heard you took the title. 0.93

02:22:01.000 Did you take the title?

02:22:02.000 No, I took the title on Tom or Black.

02:22:06.000 I'm the new champion of Tom or Black. 0.93

02:22:08.000 I don't know if you know what that is, but Tom Segura on his podcast. 0.96

02:22:11.000 He's got a fucking hilarious podcast with his wife. 0.78

02:22:12.000 His wife is a really funny comic. 0.98

02:22:15.000 And Your Mom's House is their podcast.

02:22:17.000 They do this thing where it's Tom or Black, where Tom pretends to be black guys. 0.78

02:22:21.000 His audio recordings, it's either Tom or a black guy. 0.99

02:22:23.000 And you have to guess.

02:22:24.000 Oh, he can really nail that.

02:22:25.000 It's pretty close.

02:22:26.000 But I'm the champ. 0.99

02:22:27.000 I fucking called him out. 0.99

02:22:28.000 Oh, I? Seven out of ten, I was correct. 0.99

02:22:30.000 Seven out of ten, though?

02:22:31.000 Yeah.

02:22:32.000 Yeah, I've got a good ear. 1.00

02:22:34.000 I've got a good ear for bullshit. 1.00

02:22:35.000 What? 1.00

02:22:37.000 But he's pretty goddamn good. 0.90

02:22:39.000 He's pretty good at it. 0.97

02:22:40.000 There was a couple that really tricked me.

02:22:41.000 But it's not the same audio quality.

02:22:44.000 Some of them are recorded outside.

02:22:46.000 Some of them sound like an old movie.

02:22:48.000 And you know him.

02:22:49.000 And I know him very well, so it's kind of cheating.

02:22:51.000 I was just yelling like it.

02:22:52.000 What's up, Kane?

02:22:54.000 What's up, dude?

02:22:55.000 And then they yell something back at you.

02:22:57.000 Because there was a time when...

02:22:59.000 I could slang that dialect.

02:23:01.000 Well, you have that Florida accent.

02:23:04.000 You've got a little bit of urban in your twang.

02:23:08.000 I do that.

02:23:09.000 I've gotten that most of my life.

02:23:11.000 Yeah?

02:23:11.000 Yeah.

02:23:12.000 Did you grow up around a lot of black people?

02:23:13.000 I did.

02:23:14.000 Did you?

02:23:14.000 There you go.

02:23:15.000 Both.

02:23:15.000 Where I was from, you're either...

02:23:17.000 No.

02:23:19.000 You're either redneck or ghetto. 0.99

02:23:21.000 That was it.

02:23:22.000 Where I'm from.

02:23:22.000 You only get two options, like liberal or conservative?

02:23:25.000 Or you could be me in the middle and some days be called wigger and then some days be called preppy.

02:23:29.000 It depends on what day it was and who you were hanging out with.

02:23:33.000 Okay. 1.00

02:23:34.000 Florida's just a strange, strange, strange fucking place. 1.00

02:23:36.000 It is, man. 0.99

02:23:37.000 I went through immigration in Florida, landed from Costa Rica to Florida, and the person at the counter in Costa Rica, when they were writing the, you know, the, what is the, the dock?

02:23:48.000 Whatever it is when they have to take account of everybody who's in the airplane.

02:23:51.000 What's that called?

02:23:53.000 Oh, the form they hand out?

02:23:55.000 Yeah, what is that?

02:23:55.000 Questionnaire.

02:23:56.000 They have a form that everyone on the airplane, the docket, is that what it is?

02:24:01.000 Airline docket?

02:24:02.000 I think so.

02:24:02.000 I think that's it.

02:24:03.000 Everyone's name.

02:24:04.000 Brian Redband, Nick DiPaolo, they spelled my name wrong.

02:24:07.000 So because I spelled my name wrong, my name did not match up with the name on my passport. 0.98

02:24:13.000 So I had to go through this fucking giant line. 0.95

02:24:15.000 You go into this room and you can't believe it's real. 0.99

02:24:18.000 You can't believe it's real. 0.98

02:24:20.000 I mean, it's fucking insane. 0.98

02:24:21.000 There are thousands of people. 0.93

02:24:23.000 And they're all going through because there was some sort of an error. 0.59

02:24:26.000 And then once you get through that, you go into another room because they know that your baggage, if you flew from somewhere else, you have a connecting flight, they know your baggage is never going to fucking make it.

02:24:36.000 You pick up your baggage.

02:24:37.000 You have to go through the immigration.

02:24:39.000 Then you pick up your baggage.

02:24:40.000 Then you have to get on another plane.

02:24:41.000 But everyone misses their plane.

02:24:43.000 I mean, everyone misses their connection.

02:24:45.000 Because the wait time is hours and hours and hours.

02:24:49.000 We gave ourselves two and a half hours. 0.99

02:24:50.000 We were fucked by over an hour. 1.00

02:24:51.000 By over an hour, we were fucked. 1.00

02:24:53.000 It was insane. 0.98

02:24:54.000 And they won't take your baggage within 45 minutes of the scheduled departure time.

02:24:59.000 Forget about the actual departure time, because most of the flights are delayed.

02:25:02.000 But the scheduled departure time, they lock it down, and if at 45 minutes till, it gets delayed post that, it doesn't matter.

02:25:08.000 They don't open up the luggage. 1.00

02:25:09.000 Fuck you! 1.00

02:25:10.000 So you are stuck in this insane maze of ropes. 1.00

02:25:15.000 And people are going crazy.

02:25:17.000 People have to leave to take a leak.

02:25:18.000 They're holding it in if they can.

02:25:19.000 I had my kids with me, five and seven.

02:25:21.000 Oh, God.

02:25:22.000 And they dealt with this for three hours.

02:25:25.000 It's crazy.

02:25:25.000 And it's fun after a while, but everywhere you look, Ebola signs.

02:25:29.000 Ebola, Ebola, signs of Ebola, signs of Ebola.

02:25:31.000 And it's hot, and you're in Miami.

02:25:33.000 And you're breathing and touching.

02:25:34.000 Stop! 1.00

02:25:35.000 Thousands of people.

02:25:36.000 And I'm trying to tell my daughter, don't put your mouth on the railing.

02:25:38.000 Don't put your mouth on this thing.

02:25:39.000 She's five. 1.00

02:25:41.000 She's bored out of her fucking head. 1.00

02:25:42.000 Yeah, they touch their face. 1.00

02:25:43.000 We're trying to play games.

02:25:45.000 We're trying to joke around.

02:25:46.000 We're trying to have some fun.

02:25:47.000 Trying to laugh about stuff. 0.99

02:25:48.000 But after a while, it's five years old, three hours in this fucking stupid line, only to get up to find out that somebody just wrote my name down wrong. 0.99

02:25:56.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:25:57.000 That's what caused all that shit? 1.00

02:25:58.000 Yes, it was so ridiculous. 1.00

02:26:00.000 It's so crazy. 0.98

02:26:01.000 It's like Hertz rent the car at L.A.A. There was no white people working there.

02:26:06.000 No managers.

02:26:08.000 There was Cuban people working there that literally didn't speak English.

02:26:14.000 Like, I'd go, now once I go to this machine, where do I go for U.S. Cubs?

02:26:20.000 This guy literally didn't speak English.

02:26:25.000 In America, working at the airport, when you land.

02:26:28.000 Well, that's what I was just bitching about.

02:26:29.000 You made me out to be a racist.

02:26:30.000 That's what I was saying.

02:26:31.000 Racist means a different thing.

02:26:32.000 I'm not talking about Hertz rental car.

02:26:34.000 Yeah, I know.

02:26:34.000 It's even worse.

02:26:35.000 Do they don't speak English at Hertz rental cars?

02:26:37.000 I couldn't tell what this guy was saying to me.

02:26:40.000 I'm serious.

02:26:40.000 He was mumbling.

02:26:41.000 He had an accent I had never fucking heard of. 1.00

02:26:43.000 He wouldn't look me in the fucking eye. 1.00

02:26:45.000 That doesn't make you racist. 1.00

02:26:47.000 You're the white oppressor. 1.00

02:26:49.000 Yeah, I'm the white oppressor. 1.00

02:26:50.000 You've got to get out of fucking Hollywood. 1.00

02:26:52.000 You've been fucking there poisoning you. 1.00

02:26:54.000 You've fucking lost all touch with how it's supposed to be. 1.00

02:26:57.000 It's not hard to troll Nick DiPaolo. 0.99

02:26:59.000 It's very, very easy to troll Nick DiPaolo.

02:27:01.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

02:27:02.000 Please. 1.00

02:27:04.000 That and your nine cups of fucking Joe coffee. 0.99

02:27:07.000 That helps, too. 1.00

02:27:07.000 Gets you a little on the edge. 1.00

02:27:09.000 Don't fuck with that caveman coffee nitro. 1.00

02:27:11.000 Jesus, I can feel I'm half a key. 1.00

02:27:12.000 I've never had a Red Bull.

02:27:14.000 You've never had a Red Bull?

02:27:15.000 No.

02:27:15.000 No?

02:27:16.000 If you want some real coffee.

02:27:17.000 I get nuts on three cups of coffee.

02:27:19.000 I can't imagine.

02:27:20.000 No, that just looks like...

02:27:21.000 You are not going to drink that after he talked about licking buttholes. 1.00

02:27:23.000 Exactly.

02:27:24.000 Is that going to taste like sugar?

02:27:26.000 You're not going to get anybody to drink out of that.

02:27:28.000 It's the cleanest part of a woman. 1.00

02:27:31.000 I'm going to argue. 1.00

02:27:33.000 Yeah, if she's bulimic, if she's anorexic, she eats a crouton of witching and shit. 1.00

02:27:43.000 People are very upset at you right now. 1.00

02:27:45.000 You must be eating some very skinny chicks. 1.00

02:27:48.000 That's what Eddie Bravo used to say.

02:27:50.000 The girls are on meth. 1.00

02:27:52.000 It's better to have anal sex with girls that are on meth because they don't eat, so they never poop. 1.00

02:27:57.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:27:58.000 That's true.

02:27:59.000 That's the rationalization.

02:28:00.000 The fact that you know that.

02:28:03.000 You could say that about a constipated girl, too. 0.78

02:28:07.000 Now, when you're doing these counseling programs, do they ever have people come in for weed?

02:28:11.000 Yes, actually.

02:28:13.000 What do you do?

02:28:13.000 Get him on heroin?

02:28:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:28:16.000 You fucking pussy! 1.00

02:28:18.000 What are you trying to do? 1.00

02:28:19.000 Be healthy?

02:28:20.000 Some of them actually come into the job.

02:28:22.000 They've been tested, so they have to come and go through it.

02:28:24.000 So I don't pay a lot of attention to them anyway.

02:28:26.000 So what do you do?

02:28:28.000 Say if a guy comes in and they say...

02:28:29.000 They're sitting in the same group. 0.59

02:28:31.000 It's all group therapy, which is the shitty part, because a group therapy modality to treat drug addiction is awful, but it's cheap.

02:28:37.000 I was wondering a job where I could say modality. 1.00

02:28:41.000 No, actually, if I say it, you know, I'm an asshole. 0.98

02:28:44.000 I have no reason to ever say modality. 0.99

02:28:47.000 It's like a clever word.

02:28:48.000 It's like you're...

02:28:49.000 The group tool?

02:28:50.000 No, no, it's a perfect word. 0.75

02:28:52.000 I'm just making fun of my own vocabulary.

02:28:53.000 But it's a bad one, man.

02:28:54.000 I mean, AA and NA, I'm not going to front, has helped millions.

02:28:58.000 I mean, I'm a fan of whatever works for you. 0.98

02:29:00.000 I mean, if somersaults work for you, fucking do that if it helps you. 0.95

02:29:03.000 So I couldn't bash anything that helps people. 0.98

02:29:06.000 But I will point out some flaws in systems.

02:29:09.000 I mean, the cult-like existence of it.

02:29:12.000 And then you tell them to change people, places, and things, but I need you every day to meet with the same people at the same places talking about the same things.

02:29:19.000 Yeah, that does sound a little... 0.99

02:29:21.000 How do you change your life if every night I gotta show up and go, well, I'm really missing that fucking needle. 0.99

02:29:25.000 I really... 0.97

02:29:26.000 And you'll see him, they paint these stories, and then people are around him like, yeah.

02:29:32.000 Yeah.

02:29:32.000 He's like, oh man, you know when you rap it, and that whole ritual of going...

02:29:37.000 And I have to stop him.

02:29:38.000 I have to be like, dude, stop!

02:29:40.000 Two people leave the room.

02:29:42.000 Well, you're right.

02:29:42.000 They don't do that.

02:29:43.000 Jenny Craig, they don't get up and go, I had this cheeseburger the other night. 0.99

02:29:46.000 It was fucking tremendous. 0.99

02:29:48.000 Chipotle sauce. 0.99

02:29:48.000 And then cover it. 0.99

02:29:49.000 Blue cheese?

02:29:50.000 What kind of cheese?

02:29:51.000 I like blue cheese.

02:29:52.000 Exactly.

02:29:53.000 I was like, a cheeseburger with blue cheese.

02:29:54.000 It's exotic.

02:29:54.000 Oh, my goodness.

02:29:55.000 A lot of ego stroking at that shit, man. 1.00

02:29:57.000 That's a good point. 1.00

02:29:59.000 So they go there and they talk with romantic terms about how much they use to shoot heroin and then you give them a Zaboxin.

02:30:05.000 Then at the end they go, but I'm three days clean.

02:30:08.000 But they're taking Zaboxin.

02:30:11.000 That's right. 0.99

02:30:12.000 So you're not fucking sober. 0.99

02:30:13.000 So is Zaboxin like the same effect as heroin? 0.99

02:30:17.000 It's all the same.

02:30:18.000 All the same when it enters into the body?

02:30:20.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

02:30:21.000 A lot of people, they get that white shit right here. 1.00

02:30:23.000 I know a few people who took that shit. 1.00

02:30:26.000 I always wanted to know this. 1.00

02:30:28.000 What is the difference between heroin and methadone?

02:30:31.000 I know methadone is really bad for you, but when I used to play pool in New York, I used to play at executive billiards in White Plains that was down the street from this methadone clinic.

02:30:40.000 And so we would call them the Methadonians.

02:30:42.000 They would come in and play pool. 0.97

02:30:43.000 And they were all, like, fucking completely zoned out, slack-jawed, and just played pool. 0.99

02:30:47.000 And they were terrible. 0.98

02:30:48.000 There was no one, no, they would never, no one ever really learned how to play.

02:30:51.000 But they would be there all the time.

02:30:53.000 They would come in there almost every day, but they would never get good at pool.

02:30:56.000 They would just come in and zone out and bang balls around.

02:30:59.000 It's the longest treatment for heroin that's been around, methadone.

02:31:03.000 If I couldn't get into the molecules and the breakdown of it, that's not my specialty.

02:31:06.000 But from the behavior of it, of how people use it, it's still daily.

02:31:10.000 I mean, and a methadone clinic will only give you up to so much. 0.99

02:31:13.000 So you go every day, get your dose, and go on about your fucking day. 0.99

02:31:16.000 Wow. 1.00

02:31:17.000 Then you go back, get your dose, go on about your fucking day. 1.00

02:31:19.000 So why is that a substitute? 0.99

02:31:21.000 It's not physically good for them.

02:31:23.000 Because they control how much they give you, so you don't...

02:31:25.000 That's the only difference, really.

02:31:26.000 They're controlling the amount...

02:31:27.000 And it's an actual taxed synthetic.

02:31:31.000 It's crazy because it's actually worse for you.

02:31:34.000 Is that right?

02:31:35.000 Heroin is better.

02:31:36.000 Heroin is natural, right?

02:31:37.000 Yeah.

02:31:38.000 Well, not really natural.

02:31:40.000 It's grass-exclusive.

02:31:43.000 It's poppy.

02:31:44.000 No GMOs.

02:31:45.000 Poppy.

02:31:45.000 Organic heroin.

02:31:46.000 Well, I always wondered why the fuck they can't grow in the United States. 0.99

02:31:49.000 I'm like, with all the greenhouses that we have, how come they can't grow coke here? 0.99

02:31:52.000 Why do they have to get it from Mexico?

02:31:53.000 I don't know.

02:31:54.000 I've been trying for years.

02:31:55.000 Nothing but weeds and tomatoes.

02:31:58.000 Well, I mean, you can think about why I invent Zaboxin to begin with.

02:32:02.000 To make money, right?

02:32:03.000 Well, 80% of the black tar heroin is from Afghanistan.

02:32:06.000 Well, if you want to fight an enemy, where do you hurt them? 1.00

02:32:09.000 In the fucking pockets. 1.00

02:32:10.000 That's where you hit them. 1.00

02:32:11.000 Right.

02:32:11.000 So what do you do?

02:32:12.000 Back in, I don't know, 70s, 80s, heroin was pretty expensive to a point, and it would fluctuate.

02:32:18.000 And then Zaboxin's hit, and all of a sudden heroin, you can get a $10 bag of black tar heroin easy.

02:32:24.000 Right.

02:32:24.000 And a lot of people go to the heroin because prescriptions are too expensive, right?

02:32:28.000 That's what they substitute.

02:32:29.000 So if they run out and their co-pay hasn't come up yet or their days haven't flipped yet or they've sold all the pills, then they just stop by and they see the same guy.

02:32:37.000 It's the same dude on the corner most of the time.

02:32:38.000 He's like, what is it, the Suboxone or the heroin?

02:32:41.000 And it's switched.

02:32:43.000 But Suboxone you just have to take as a pill, whereas heroin you have to prepare.

02:32:47.000 You have to either shoot it or smoke it or do something with it.

02:32:50.000 You like to cook late at night.

02:32:51.000 LAUGHTER You're grilling your fish and you got your black tart. 1.00

02:32:57.000 Blacked out in front of my steak.

02:33:00.000 Facing the mashed potatoes.

02:33:01.000 You see that though in these facilities, man.

02:33:03.000 That's why my friend George, he died.

02:33:05.000 And that's one of the things that happened before he died. 0.99

02:33:07.000 He was out playing pool with some friends of mine and he fucking passed out his mashed potatoes. 0.99

02:33:11.000 He really did. 0.99

02:33:12.000 He fell asleep right into his food.

02:33:15.000 And he was a straight-laced guy.

02:33:17.000 Straight-edge guy, didn't smoke cigarettes.

02:33:19.000 He was a championship pool player.

02:33:21.000 And then as he got older, he hurt his back somehow.

02:33:24.000 That's how it starts. 0.99

02:33:25.000 Got him on some fucking pills, and he was gone. 1.00

02:33:28.000 Keb was gone. 1.00

02:33:28.000 I'd say half of the people in the group start out that way. 1.00

02:33:31.000 They make us manage a group of like 15 to 22 if it's Medicare, and that's the group therapy I'm running.

02:33:36.000 Many times I'm in 28-30, which is also a violation completely.

02:33:41.000 But, I'd say half the people in there were just normal guys, you know, that got an injury, or girls, you know, got an injury, something happened, car wreck or something, you know, here's a pill, before you know it, you know, divorce, lost everything, you know, had some epilepsy or some seizures, and then they're sitting in there going,

02:33:57.000 I don't know what happened.

02:33:58.000 It's amazing.

02:33:59.000 That fast, those pain pills, you know, can take it. 1.00

02:34:02.000 When fucking marijuana does the same thing. 1.00

02:34:05.000 But does it, though? 1.00

02:34:05.000 I don't know if it does, man. 1.00

02:34:06.000 No, extreme pain.

02:34:07.000 I've had a morphine drip.

02:34:10.000 Morphine.

02:34:11.000 One of those morphine drips.

02:34:12.000 I enjoy the morphine.

02:34:13.000 I had one up there.

02:34:15.000 What do you have done on your shoulders?

02:34:16.000 Oh, I destroyed them in high school.

02:34:18.000 Did you ever get them fixed? 1.00

02:34:19.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99

02:34:19.000 I had reconstructive on both. 0.99

02:34:21.000 I'm trying to avoid one.

02:34:22.000 I got a labrum tear on this one, but I got a stem shell shot the other day.

02:34:26.000 I don't know if it's going to work.

02:34:27.000 If it doesn't work, I'm going under the knife.

02:34:28.000 But I woke up from one of the surgeries on morphine, and I got operated on Christmas Eve.

02:34:35.000 I was like a senior in high school, and there was a big styrofoam candy cane in the room, and I hit the nurse over the head with it.

02:34:43.000 Did you know what you were doing? 1.00

02:34:45.000 No, I was on fucking morphine. 0.99

02:34:46.000 You talk about a guy who all I did was drink at high school. 0.99

02:34:48.000 I didn't fucking do drugs. 0.93

02:34:50.000 All of a sudden, I'm on morphine. 1.00

02:34:51.000 Fucking get out of my room. 0.99

02:34:52.000 Did it fix your shoulders? 0.99

02:34:53.000 Yeah, I played football in college after both operations.

02:34:57.000 I had a guy named Lyle McKaley.

02:34:59.000 I still remember his name.

02:35:00.000 And I went to a doctor because I had a little bit of a tear a few years ago.

02:35:04.000 And I mentioned my doctor's name.

02:35:06.000 This was back in the 80s.

02:35:08.000 And he goes, I just went to Harvard to listen to him speak.

02:35:11.000 The guy that worked on my shoulders.

02:35:13.000 So you had a tear recently?

02:35:15.000 That was like, I had a slight tear like five years ago.

02:35:18.000 And so they don't have to operate on it?

02:35:20.000 Yeah, no, it was nothing.

02:35:21.000 But I messed them up when I was younger.

02:35:24.000 I dislocated them each about 30 times and I separated.

02:35:28.000 This guy did 30 of these operations, 30 to 40 a year.

02:35:32.000 He'd been doing them for 20 years.

02:35:33.000 He did my first one.

02:35:34.000 He goes, that's the worst shoulder I've ever seen.

02:35:36.000 Then he did my second one.

02:35:36.000 He goes, that was worse than your first one.

02:35:38.000 Wow.

02:35:39.000 Back in the 80s, we were lifting, we wouldn't stretch, trying to bench 300 pounds.

02:35:43.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:35:44.000 Just stupid shit. 1.00

02:35:46.000 And then when I got hit in football, it was really the weights that fucked me up, you know? 1.00

02:35:50.000 I played ball for a little while.

02:35:51.000 You helped me a lot when I was an open-miker, without even knowing it. 0.99

02:35:55.000 Because I saw you on stage, and I said, this guy does not look like a fucking comedian. 0.98

02:36:00.000 He looks like a big football player with a handsome bastard, but yet you were funny. 0.99

02:36:05.000 But I was like, okay. 0.99

02:36:06.000 People hate you for that.

02:36:07.000 They do!

02:36:07.000 Well, because we live in...

02:36:08.000 This business is Nerdville. 1.00

02:36:10.000 They fucking... 1.00

02:36:10.000 This is their turf. 1.00

02:36:11.000 They hated me.

02:36:11.000 Well, the term Marc Maron literally said, like, he was joking around about it, but he said he really felt like, this is not for you guys.

02:36:18.000 Yeah.

02:36:18.000 This is not for you guys.

02:36:19.000 Well, I thought I was insecure.

02:36:21.000 I know, and you knew.

02:36:22.000 And then I saw it, because I was an open mic, but I saw you, I go, oh...

02:36:26.000 Okay, he can do it.

02:36:27.000 If he can do it, he's better looking than me.

02:36:29.000 If he can do it, he's bigger and handsomer.

02:36:33.000 I'm alright.

02:36:34.000 I'll sneak in.

02:36:35.000 Nick DiPaolo's working.

02:36:36.000 That's funny.

02:36:36.000 I have a clip for me, literally my second year in the business, doing an eight-minute set at the Comedy Connection.

02:36:41.000 You're a football player.

02:36:41.000 Yeah, and I have a suit jacket on, and it fits me like Shannon Sharpe was his on CBS Sports.

02:36:47.000 It fit like a t-shirt. 0.99

02:36:48.000 It looks so stupid. 1.00

02:36:49.000 Look at that greasy Italian mullet. 1.00

02:36:51.000 I even hate it. 0.57

02:36:52.000 I wonder why people hated me.

02:36:54.000 Well, you were a big, thick dude. 0.97

02:36:56.000 Yeah, I mean, I played up at Maine and was fucking lifting weights every day. 0.98

02:37:01.000 And you could tell. 0.99

02:37:02.000 The nerds, they just don't.

02:37:05.000 That's what kills me about people in this business. 1.00

02:37:07.000 They hate people who are intolerant, yet they fucking like you. 0.99

02:37:10.000 They just automatically like to assume that you're one of those intolerant people. 0.99

02:37:15.000 That beat them up.

02:37:16.000 Yeah.

02:37:17.000 Which was true. 0.74

02:37:18.000 No.

02:37:19.000 I got along with everybody. 1.00

02:37:21.000 Nerds, fucking guys who did drugs. 0.99

02:37:23.000 Yeah, so did I. I knew a lot of guys that did drugs, and I knew a lot of nerds. 1.00

02:37:27.000 I knew a lot of guys who did drugs, and that's what kept me from doing drugs when I was in high school.

02:37:30.000 That's right.

02:37:31.000 I had my friend Jimmy.

02:37:32.000 He's got an older cousin and we had some mutual friends and his mutual friends.

02:37:36.000 They were three or four years older than me. 0.99

02:37:38.000 So when I was like 14 and 15, these guys were fucking hitting the wall. 0.99

02:37:42.000 They were getting out of high school and just losing their fucking minds and selling drugs and falling apart. 0.99

02:37:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:37:47.000 Losing weight and getting addicted. 1.00

02:37:49.000 I was watching guys spiral out of control, and I was like fuck coke. 1.00

02:37:53.000 Sometimes that's the best way to show somebody. 1.00

02:37:55.000 Sometimes it is. 0.98

02:37:56.000 It sucks that somebody has to be your sacrificial goat. 0.95

02:37:59.000 You have to watch somebody fall apart at the altar. 0.98

02:38:02.000 It's true.

02:38:02.000 Well, that's like, it's like classic.

02:38:06.000 It's a classic way that people learn, by watching other people fuck up. 0.87

02:38:09.000 And when you take away the possibility of people fucking up, then you get into some weird state that you've got in these clinics, where it's like, you're not really fucking up, so you're not really hitting rock bottom, so the other people don't even see you as doing that bad. 0.97

02:38:31.000 They have these rehab romances that happen all the time. 0.80

02:38:34.000 It's a thing.

02:38:35.000 They're in there, you know, because I think people connect in fear more than they do love.

02:38:39.000 So two people will meet and they'll go like, well, what's your disability check?

02:38:44.000 What's my disability check?

02:38:45.000 And they go like, you know what, I love you.

02:38:46.000 We can do this together. 1.00

02:38:48.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:38:49.000 And then they go out and doesn't make it. 1.00

02:38:51.000 Knuckle tattoos, black nail polish.

02:38:53.000 That's my girl.

02:38:54.000 Well, you see them, they all have the bands on because they get bands from the meetings that they go to.

02:38:58.000 And so they wear certain, everyone beads.

02:39:00.000 And so you'll see the 12-step beads all over, tons of beading in there.

02:39:04.000 It's arts and crafts.

02:39:05.000 It's summer camp.

02:39:06.000 And then a week later, they're down at Mardi Gras throwing up some guys. 1.00

02:39:11.000 Fucking party! 0.99

02:39:12.000 Which is weird, because I got notes of summer camp, to where these people come back so much, their hand things they draw and their art that they did the last time in rehab are all over the wall and shit. 0.99

02:39:24.000 And so they're coming back like it was...

02:39:26.000 That's what he's talking about, right?

02:39:27.000 I'm dead serious!

02:39:28.000 They draw their hands and there are five affirmations, you know?

02:39:32.000 Oh, five affirmations.

02:39:34.000 Oh, it wasn't a...

02:39:35.000 They have diseases.

02:39:36.000 It's a disease, Nick Tappalo.

02:39:38.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:39:38.000 Yeah, I know.

02:39:39.000 Don't do it, Joe.

02:39:40.000 But it's kind of a disease, right?

02:39:41.000 Nope.

02:39:42.000 Being addicted.

02:39:42.000 Nope.

02:39:43.000 He says nope.

02:39:43.000 Just nope.

02:39:44.000 No room for discussion.

02:39:45.000 You say nope as well.

02:39:46.000 I love the discussion.

02:39:47.000 No, there's no room for discussion. 0.99

02:39:48.000 I've fucking discussed it a million times. 0.97

02:39:49.000 Don't bring it up in a facility, though. 0.98

02:39:50.000 Let me get rid of the word disease, because I think disease, like a lot of other words, has a lot of weight behind it, right?

02:39:57.000 It's general, though.

02:39:58.000 So let's just say, instead of a disease, when a person becomes addicted to something, there's obviously a physical issue.

02:40:05.000 So, call it a disease, call it an ailment, call it a something.

02:40:10.000 When someone gets addicted...

02:40:11.000 Call it a behavior.

02:40:12.000 It's definitely a behavior that locked it in, but once you get addicted and you're just trapped in the clutches of a drug, what is that if it's not a disease?

02:40:21.000 For me, it's behavioral.

02:40:22.000 For me, it's all behavioral.

02:40:23.000 The using is a symptom.

02:40:26.000 The drugs themselves, it's a symptom of something else. 0.99

02:40:28.000 I would tell you that 8 out of the 10 people that are sitting in my group therapy when I was doing it have been child abused, have been through some serious shit. 0.98

02:40:37.000 And so most of it, it comes from that. 0.97

02:40:40.000 Now, the drugs they put on top of it, if it's If you only counsel, hey, you're so focused on this drug, it becomes the drug is the problem. 0.94

02:40:48.000 And you ignore the shit that the person's going through, been through, the fact that, I don't know, whatever's happened to them. 0.69

02:40:53.000 And so we'd rather beat them up about their inability to make a choice not to do a drug than really work out of, what's the drug give you? 0.98

02:41:02.000 What are you getting by using the drug?

02:41:04.000 Can you teach how to use the drug better?

02:41:07.000 Can you swap drugs even?

02:41:09.000 So they just get pimped out by the system, essentially.

02:41:12.000 One hundred percent, man.

02:41:14.000 One hundred percent. 1.00

02:41:14.000 And bipolar, this fucking diagnosis that drives me absolutely insane. 1.00

02:41:19.000 Now, there's a DSM-4, you know, the DSM-4. 1.00

02:41:22.000 Why does it drive you insane?

02:41:24.000 Because everybody, A, thinks they have it.

02:41:26.000 And it's really, really rare.

02:41:28.000 It's a rare diagnosis.

02:41:30.000 I think I got it.

02:41:31.000 That's what people do, though.

02:41:32.000 I feel like I got it. 1.00

02:41:33.000 They Google some shit. 1.00

02:41:34.000 Do I look like, maybe? 1.00

02:41:37.000 Bipolar?

02:41:37.000 No.

02:41:38.000 No, but didn't you say when you were a kid, when I first met you, you said you had like a testosterone and over a mount, when you said you were like, when I first met you doing comedy, you were like, thyroid.

02:41:48.000 Oh, was it a thyroid?

02:41:49.000 No, no, no. 1.00

02:41:49.000 You were like fucking nuts. 1.00

02:41:50.000 When I first met me, no, I was still fighting. 1.00

02:41:53.000 Yeah, I was, I mean, that was just out of my mind, out of fear, I'm sure. 0.98

02:41:55.000 But you said when you were younger, as a kid, you always had, like, hyper-energy and shit. 0.93

02:42:00.000 When you grow up with violence, I grew up with domestic violence, when you grow up with that, you're programmed to respond and react quickly. 0.99

02:42:07.000 You know who told me about this?

02:42:08.000 Hyper-vigilance.

02:42:09.000 We call it hyper-vigilance.

02:42:10.000 Yeah, there's...

02:42:11.000 There's a lot of studies being done on kids who grew up in violent households, and when they become football players or pro football players, and they're involved in domestic violence or fighters as well, they develop this hair-trigger reaction to things, overreact, make mistakes that they can't rebound from,

02:42:29.000 and a lot of it is because they think of the actual programming that occurs when they're in the womb, even.

02:42:34.000 When their mother is experiencing violence from the father, Literally changes their genes in the womb.

02:42:41.000 It does.

02:42:41.000 They actually come out and fearful of the father's voice.

02:42:44.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

02:42:46.000 Michael Irvin told me this.

02:42:47.000 I was on a plane flight with him just randomly and luckily. 0.98

02:42:49.000 He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. 0.98

02:42:51.000 I like her. 0.99

02:42:52.000 He's cool.

02:42:52.000 Such a nice guy.

02:42:53.000 And we were flying to Australia together.

02:42:55.000 This was a long-ass flight, so we had a long conversation.

02:42:58.000 Because, you know, they have that little area in the middle where the bathroom is. 0.99

02:43:00.000 You can stand up and stretch your legs.

02:43:02.000 Him and I are just talking about football and about the work that he's been doing with young kids that grow up around violence.

02:43:07.000 So that was, you know, I'd grown up around that, and then I'd competed in martial arts tournaments.

02:43:13.000 From the time I was 15 to 21. When you met me, I was very crazy.

02:43:20.000 It took me a long time to relax.

02:43:23.000 I feel the same, Joe.

02:43:24.000 I don't know what your family life was like, but mine was violent every day, man.

02:43:29.000 Day in and day out.

02:43:30.000 I played football myself.

02:43:31.000 I used to be 245. I was a lot bigger than this.

02:43:34.000 And, you know, I had that hair trigger.

02:43:37.000 That was the reaction.

02:43:38.000 And that's why I went into football.

02:43:39.000 And what I like to talk to people about is, I mean, it's a war zone.

02:43:42.000 When your home is really like that and you're a child, there's no difference than going to Afghanistan and a soldier going through what they go through.

02:43:50.000 Post-traumatic.

02:43:50.000 Right, post-traumatic.

02:43:50.000 And then a three-year-old that every day is watching, you know, his father choke his mom to sleep.

02:43:55.000 Right. 0.97

02:43:56.000 Throw her across the room or put guns in their own mouths. 0.78

02:44:00.000 Mine sounds a lot less than yours and I got out when I was five and then my mom remarried the nicest guy. 0.92

02:44:07.000 He's like a hippie. 0.61

02:44:08.000 So, changed.

02:44:09.000 Completely.

02:44:10.000 All violence was gone.

02:44:11.000 All violence was gone.

02:44:12.000 So then I had to reintroduce it into my life by fighting.

02:44:16.000 Football was that outlet for me, man.

02:44:18.000 I got an adopted 15-year-old daughter. 1.00

02:44:20.000 So when you hear about the stepdad, when you say that, her dad's a piece of shit. 1.00

02:44:25.000 He's out of the picture and has been since she was five. 1.00

02:44:27.000 So for about ten years, she's mine.

02:44:30.000 And I think we came in just in time, you know, to where none of that's around.

02:44:34.000 You know, but...

02:44:35.000 The violence does so much for the influence and what children do and become and how they react.

02:44:41.000 I mean, if you go back to the primal era, you know, when we had to react, it was life or death, fight or flight.

02:44:46.000 You implement that into a three-year-old who literally, or seven or five, who's literally worried about the big monster named Daddy who's going to cut on the hall light and come in the room.

02:44:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:44:56.000 I mean, this is a fucking giant to these tiny, you know? 0.99

02:44:59.000 Right. 0.99

02:44:59.000 And then you're picked up. 0.99

02:45:00.000 Now, add that, and then think about that woman who was molested by her brother and her father. 1.00

02:45:06.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:45:07.000 That's right. 1.00

02:45:07.000 And you're going to say, what? 1.00

02:45:09.000 Come here for 30 days and let's talk about it and good luck?

02:45:14.000 I mean, that's it? 0.98

02:45:15.000 That's what we fucking offer them? 0.99

02:45:17.000 Just, here's more drugs. 1.00

02:45:18.000 God damn it. 0.99

02:45:19.000 You know, I've had some clients where I wanted to be like, you know what? 1.00

02:45:22.000 Just keep doing fucking drugs, man. 1.00

02:45:23.000 It's not going to get any better. 1.00

02:45:24.000 You're having more fun this way.

02:45:26.000 You know, just control it.

02:45:27.000 Try not to kill yourself.

02:45:28.000 Do you remember back then, Nick, when we were like 21, 22 years old?

02:45:32.000 Like, do you remember how, like, hair-triggered you were as a young man?

02:45:36.000 Do you really take into consideration the amount of mellowing you've done over time?

02:45:40.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:41.000 Especially you and, like, football guys in particular. 0.99

02:45:44.000 That is a fucking explosive sport. 0.98

02:45:48.000 Think about what a regular kid does during the day, or a regular kid does that doesn't play a sport like that, and then what you're doing. 0.99

02:45:54.000 You're involved in fucking collusions with big, giant dudes. 0.97

02:45:57.000 I mean, think about what you did to your shoulders. 0.99

02:45:59.000 All that kind of crazy chaos and violence becomes a part of your normal, everyday world.

02:46:03.000 Not to mention your testosterone levels growing up, and then you throw booze on that at a party.

02:46:09.000 My first girlfriend broke up with me because I got in a couple of fights at parties.

02:46:14.000 But what else do you do with it? 1.00

02:46:15.000 I mean, you're bred to be a fucking warrior from day one. 1.00

02:46:18.000 Well, that's what I'm saying. 0.99

02:46:18.000 It's a healthy outlet to play football and stuff at that point. 0.99

02:46:22.000 You can get a lot of trouble if you don't.

02:46:24.000 That's true. 0.97

02:46:24.000 I mean, I know guys who didn't play that were fucking pretty violent. 0.97

02:46:27.000 At least I was taking it out, you know, on people in practice. 0.95

02:46:31.000 Well, I think there's definitely something to be said for finding an outlet for violence.

02:46:35.000 Like an outlet for aggressive...

02:46:38.000 Action and something that calms your body down, especially for young men. 0.98

02:46:42.000 I mean football is a tricky one because there's the fucking studies that are coming back now on football. 0.98

02:46:48.000 I'm not a fan anymore, man. 0.99

02:46:49.000 I don't know what the fuck happened. 0.97

02:46:50.000 I was a huge football fan, watched it all the time, played it, and the more research that I've been learning from Amber Lyon or Rhonda Patrick that talk about the head injuries, etc. 1.00

02:47:00.000 I'm like, fuck, the last ten years of my life, I'm fucked. 0.99

02:47:04.000 Somebody was relaying a story. 1.00

02:47:05.000 I don't remember the entire story, but it was about a football player in college.

02:47:09.000 He gets knocked out.

02:47:10.000 He gets dinged, like, real bad.

02:47:12.000 But he's, you know, he's moving around.

02:47:14.000 They sit on the sidelines.

02:47:15.000 They send him back in.

02:47:16.000 He gets smashed again, and now permanent damage. 1.00

02:47:19.000 And he's fucked. 1.00

02:47:22.000 Still fucked. 1.00

02:47:23.000 Many, many years later, he's still a wreck. 1.00

02:47:25.000 I know of four concussions.

02:47:27.000 I know of four.

02:47:28.000 But I also know of plenty of times when I got dinged and went back into the game.

02:47:31.000 So I'm a little nervous myself.

02:47:33.000 He and I got hit by a car when I was 11 years old.

02:47:36.000 It was in the hospital for a week.

02:47:37.000 Maybe that's what made you funny.

02:47:38.000 Did you ever think about that?

02:47:39.000 Absolutely.

02:47:40.000 I brought it up in some article.

02:47:41.000 That can't be true, Joe, because I've been in four total car accidents, and I played semi-pro football, and I have my moments, and that's about it.

02:47:49.000 You obviously forget that John Travolta movie where you get hit by lightning and you can read people's minds.

02:47:53.000 Because it doesn't work the same on everybody.

02:47:55.000 No, man.

02:47:56.000 Angel.

02:47:57.000 But it does, for some people, they have head injuries and all of a sudden they have new skills.

02:48:01.000 They can do math, they can play music.

02:48:03.000 They can dance.

02:48:04.000 It doesn't work.

02:48:05.000 They can do therapy.

02:48:06.000 They can do therapy.

02:48:07.000 Yeah, it doesn't always work.

02:48:09.000 But sometimes it does.

02:48:10.000 Yeah, I wonder all the time.

02:48:11.000 I know.

02:48:12.000 The reason why I said it is because that's what happened to Kinnison.

02:48:14.000 He got hit by a car when he was a little kid.

02:48:15.000 They said that when Kinnison was young, he was one way.

02:48:18.000 He was like normal, regular kid.

02:48:19.000 And then he got hit by a car and like real bad. 0.99

02:48:22.000 And then when he got out of whatever the fuck he was in, all of a sudden he was Kinnison. 1.00

02:48:26.000 Wild, impulsive, didn't give a fuck! 1.00

02:48:30.000 He became that wild crazy preacher guy, like literally became that from a car accident. 1.00

02:48:34.000 When you start talking TBIs and traumatic brain injuries and that who is walking into these facilities, it's amazing how fucking arrogant these psychiatrists act. 0.97

02:48:44.000 Because we literally know almost nothing about real TBIs. 0.88

02:48:48.000 You know, where the brain, you get hit here, it could do We don't know.

02:48:51.000 So what happens is a guy who walks in who has a traumatic brain injury, a definite TBI, what they start doing is playing with psychotropic medication.

02:49:00.000 And they start saying, well, if it's in this area and this is the behavior, so they throw you six, seven cocktails of pills hoping they guess the right way. 0.98

02:49:08.000 And antidepressants are the same fucking way. 0.99

02:49:10.000 And I tell people, man, the last thing you want to do is go right to a fucking antidepressant before you do anything. 0.99

02:49:17.000 Don't do that yet. 0.99

02:49:18.000 Because once you start to walk down that road, it can be years before you baseline again.

02:49:24.000 So it's like a one flew over the cuckoo's nest, but just a more sophisticated version, but still just as chaotic. 1.00

02:49:30.000 They're fucking guessing! 0.98

02:49:31.000 That's why they'll tell you an SSRI won't work for you your whole life. 0.99

02:49:34.000 This will work for a while, but we got to try these nine until we find the one that does.

02:49:38.000 This one will work for a while, then when it doesn't, we'll switch.

02:49:41.000 And the scariest part, I had a...

02:49:42.000 It's a wannabe podcast, but I was just having fun with it.

02:49:45.000 It was called The Cognitive Rampage.

02:49:47.000 I think all podcasts are wannabe podcasts.

02:49:50.000 There's no legitimate podcast.

02:49:51.000 Except for yours.

02:49:52.000 This is totally illegitimate.

02:49:54.000 This is a real deal.

02:49:55.000 It's sort of, but not really.

02:49:57.000 Trust me.

02:49:58.000 I'll show you an illegitimate podcast.

02:50:00.000 Brian and I know the origins of it.

02:50:02.000 Can I say a doctor's name on here?

02:50:04.000 I had a bipolar specialist named Dr. Louis Brodsky.

02:50:11.000 And all he's done is focused on bipolar.

02:50:14.000 And so what his issue is...

02:50:17.000 Most people, they'll walk into a facility, right?

02:50:21.000 75% of them are getting diagnosed with depression, right?

02:50:23.000 Here's your antidepressant out the door.

02:50:25.000 The doc spent three minutes with you, your general practitioner, asked you some sadness questions, you fit the criteria, try this antidepressant. 1.00

02:50:30.000 They don't tell you, you're about to fuck your whole chemical shit up. 1.00

02:50:33.000 You're about to screw your brain up, but what happens though? 1.00

02:50:36.000 If you're bipolar truly, and you take an antidepressant, The first two or three days, you're going to feel like God. 0.98

02:50:42.000 You're going to feel like everything has been fixed and been better in my life and think you have the right pill. 1.00

02:50:47.000 Every doctor at that point should know, oh shit, we fucked up. 0.99

02:50:51.000 You give someone who's bipolar an antidepressant or SSRIs and they cycle faster, almost twice to three times as faster than they ever cycled before in their life. 1.00

02:50:59.000 Wow. 0.83

02:51:00.000 So think about how many people are going to a doctor, talk about some typical sadness or depression, hear Zoloft or some shit, you go home and they're like, man, this is great! 0.99

02:51:11.000 Left side field, I'm getting a little tangential, but had a guy, both his sons killed themselves, and I was counseling him. 0.84

02:51:18.000 Doc gave him, thought he was depressed, gave him any depressant, the second day after it, he said, I'm over it all.

02:51:24.000 All of this was meant to happen.

02:51:25.000 You can tell that's not natural.

02:51:26.000 And he was happy and ready to go.

02:51:29.000 Ready to go.

02:51:29.000 And then, two days later, starts to cycle hard from manic to heavy, manic to suicidal, manic to suicidal.

02:51:35.000 That stuff works for, like, my dad's going to be 80, you know?

02:51:39.000 And I got an uncle who's 85. And that's when it works.

02:51:42.000 The antidepressant helped them both.

02:51:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:51:46.000 But that's...

02:51:46.000 It works for some people.

02:51:48.000 The people that I know that have worked for, that has worked for, out of them, I know a few, but two of them have cycled off of it.

02:51:54.000 It helped them, they fixed their life, they got their life in order, and then once their life was ordered, then they weed themselves off of it.

02:51:58.000 How you're supposed to do it.

02:51:59.000 Well, they both did it that way.

02:52:01.000 One of my friends from Jiu-Jitsu and a comedian friend of mine.

02:52:04.000 Yeah, they definitely work.

02:52:05.000 I wouldn't bash that at all, but as your first go-to, there's a lot of other things you can try.

02:52:11.000 Changing your routine, trying to find different things to get involved with.

02:52:14.000 There's a lot of things to do before you start going to quick magic pill fix.

02:52:18.000 Listen, man, thanks for doing this.

02:52:20.000 I'm glad I met you last night.

02:52:21.000 It was a fortuitous opportunity to have a conversation with you, and I knew that we would have a cool talk.

02:52:25.000 I very rarely do this.

02:52:28.000 Perfect symmetry.

02:52:29.000 Perfect.

02:52:29.000 It worked out.

02:52:30.000 The fucking universe was looking out for us. 0.99

02:52:32.000 Nick DiPaolo, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98

02:52:34.000 One of the funniest comics in the world, for sure.

02:52:36.000 NickDip.com.

02:52:37.000 NickDip.com.

02:52:38.000 What is the album they can still buy?

02:52:40.000 Another Senses Killing.

02:52:42.000 If you use the coupon code Nick, you get three bucks off.

02:52:45.000 Hit me up at Nick DiPaolo on Twitter.

02:52:47.000 My podcast at RiotCast.com.

02:52:50.000 And I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club tonight.

02:52:53.000 This airs Ventura Harbor Comedy Club in Ventura, California tonight.

02:52:58.000 Find me at adamlowery.com or thecognitiverampage.com.

02:53:01.000 And it's spelled L-O-W-E-R-Y, adamlowery.com.

02:53:06.000 Brian Redman is doing a water show with burlesque dancers and electrical cords all throughout Canada.

02:53:12.000 No, no.

02:53:13.000 That sounds filthy.

02:53:14.000 That's what I heard?

02:53:16.000 No, I'm going to be next Thursday.

02:53:17.000 You did what?

02:53:18.000 Yeah.

02:53:19.000 Next Thursday I'll be with Dean Del Rey at the San Jose Improv.

02:53:21.000 And then August 5th I have a secret show at the Comedy Store.

02:53:24.000 It's my birthday show, so that's going to be a lot of fun.

02:53:26.000 Glorious.

02:53:27.000 He'll be 62. Glorious.

02:53:28.000 And you're tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club?

02:53:30.000 Tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.

02:53:32.000 Woof.

02:53:33.000 Ladies and gentlemen, that's it.

02:53:34.000 We'll see you next week.

02:53:36.000 Until then, much love.

02:53:37.000 Bye-bye and big kiss.

02:53:41.000 That was a good one.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 22, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery

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Summary

Transcript