The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #704 - Alonzo Bodden

00:00:11.000 Boom.

00:00:12.000 Boom.

00:00:13.000 Boom.

00:00:13.000 We're live.

00:00:14.000 We're live with Alonzo Bowden.

00:00:15.000 He just got back spraying chemtrails for the past six hours all across Southern California.

00:00:20.000 He's controlling mines and the weather.

00:00:23.000 There's a reason why it's cloudy out, folks.

00:00:25.000 It's Alonzo Bowden, hilarious stand-up comedian slash weather modification expert.

00:00:30.000 What's up, Joe?

00:00:31.000 Nothing.

00:00:31.000 What's going on?

00:00:32.000 It's going to rain tonight.

00:00:33.000 What?

00:00:34.000 I'm just saying that you might want to put the top up on the convertible.

00:00:39.000 Why are you working for the man?

00:00:40.000 Hey, it pays well.

00:00:42.000 But you make great money.

00:00:43.000 You're a comic.

00:00:44.000 You do well.

00:00:45.000 You're very successful.

00:00:45.000 I know, Joe.

00:00:46.000 But, you know, ever since Obama took over, I mean, he gave me a call.

00:00:50.000 He said, look, Alonzo, we need a brother on the weather.

00:00:51.000 I said, I got you.

00:00:52.000 I got you.

00:00:53.000 So this is part of that whole thing.

00:00:56.000 So it's a part of, like, Black Lives Matter.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, I just wanted to let you in.

00:00:59.000 Okay.

00:01:00.000 I understand.

00:01:00.000 That makes sense.

00:01:02.000 Look, you got to do what you got to do in this crazy world.

00:01:04.000 And if a little weather modification is on the menu...

00:01:07.000 Yeah, well, you know, then I'm getting some of the ski resort money from Mammoth.

00:01:12.000 You know, that's like a side hustle. 0.92

00:01:14.000 They say this winter is going to be fucking crazy, the weather modification experts. 0.92

00:01:18.000 I'm just here to let you know. 0.95

00:01:19.000 El Nino.

00:01:20.000 Do you believe in El Nino?

00:01:22.000 Is that real?

00:01:23.000 Yeah, I think that is.

00:01:24.000 But weather, you know what's so funny about the weather, like they really don't know.

00:01:30.000 At best, it's an educated guess.

00:01:32.000 Right.

00:01:33.000 So when they say something like there's a change in an ocean current, like that's what El Nino is, right?

00:01:38.000 Like there's warm water flowing through the ocean where it's normally cold, and that's going to bring more water and vapor.

00:01:47.000 I get that on the large scale.

00:01:50.000 But they can never say, okay, it's going to rain Tuesday between noon and four o'clock.

00:01:55.000 There are times when they're so wrong, it's comical.

00:02:00.000 In any other job, you'd be fired for being that far off.

00:02:04.000 And they're like, oh, it missed. 0.91

00:02:06.000 But compared to how they used to be, it's fucking amazing.

00:02:10.000 They used to just look up at the sky, and when their clouds were running, they'd go, oh, we better get inside. 0.88

00:02:15.000 That was it.

00:02:15.000 Yeah, they knew a tornado was coming because you could see the tornado coming.

00:02:22.000 But then you have the other things, like in Phoenix, they have weather people, right?

00:02:28.000 What is your job?

00:02:31.000 From April through November in Phoenix.

00:02:35.000 Yeah, it's going to be hot.

00:02:36.000 It's sunny, hot.

00:02:38.000 Be back tomorrow.

00:02:41.000 There's nothing else.

00:02:42.000 What, in July they have, oh yeah, it's going to be monsoon.

00:02:45.000 It's going to rain between 3 and 4, and then it's going to be hot again.

00:02:48.000 Yeah, there's no weather.

00:02:50.000 And L.A., the same thing.

00:02:51.000 I mean, over the summer, it's occasionally you get a little bit of rain in L.A. But what did it rain, like maybe four times this year?

00:02:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:58.000 I... I did a thing with, what's his name, the comic slash weatherman, Fritz Rogan.

00:03:05.000 Fred Rogan?

00:03:06.000 No, Fritz Coleman.

00:03:09.000 I get him confused with that other guy too.

00:03:10.000 Fred Rogan, yeah.

00:03:11.000 That's the sports guy.

00:03:12.000 They're partners, right?

00:03:13.000 Right.

00:03:14.000 Yeah, I did a thing with Fritz Coleman, and one of his funniest jokes, he said, you think it's easy doing weather in L.A.? He said, think of 300 different ways to say partly cloudy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon.

00:03:26.000 Yeah.

00:03:28.000 Well, it gives you a lot of time to write jokes.

00:03:30.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:03:30.000 Probably a good gig for a comic.

00:03:32.000 Yeah.

00:03:32.000 You know?

00:03:33.000 Plus, you get it on TV if they let you plug your gigs.

00:03:35.000 Yeah.

00:03:35.000 Hey, I'll be at the Ice House on Tuesday.

00:03:37.000 Come on down. 0.94

00:03:38.000 I think he does well because people see the name and when they walk into the club, they're like, that's the weatherman.

00:03:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:03:45.000 It's an instant recognition kind of gig.

00:03:49.000 Yeah, but he's got to keep it super clean, right?

00:03:51.000 Oh yeah, he's nice.

00:03:54.000 If you're a weather guy or a news guy, and if you just stray slightly outside the lines, people are looking to take you down.

00:04:04.000 But they still do it.

00:04:05.000 That's what's funny.

00:04:06.000 Yeah, you always hear about the little small town weather guy that was in some weird thing, like got caught with a prostitute at a massage par.

00:04:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:04:16.000 That's just life, though.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, I know.

00:04:17.000 But when you know you're that guy...

00:04:21.000 Right.

00:04:21.000 Then you know you gave that up.

00:04:23.000 You know what I mean?

00:04:25.000 You're not allowed to do that anymore. 0.74

00:04:26.000 You can't get crazy. 0.99

00:04:27.000 You're like, well, I'm going to be on TV every day, so I got to give up the hookers and blow to trade off. 1.00

00:04:35.000 Yeah, you're not in a band.

00:04:35.000 Right.

00:04:36.000 Or even a comic.

00:04:37.000 A comic, yeah.

00:04:38.000 We can get busted.

00:04:39.000 Yeah.

00:04:40.000 And now you have a new bit.

00:04:42.000 Look at Cat Williams.

00:04:43.000 Exactly.

00:04:43.000 I can't think of...

00:04:44.000 I don't know what a comic could do.

00:04:46.000 I guess violence would be the only thing Unforgivable for a comic.

00:04:51.000 But when it comes to, like, sex scandals or, you know, cheating on your wife or drunk at the airport or whatever, like, for comics, they're like, yeah, well...

00:05:00.000 It just makes you better.

00:05:01.000 He's on your own.

00:05:03.000 He doesn't have more material.

00:05:05.000 Like, look at Cat Williams.

00:05:07.000 Look at Cat Williams' last special. 0.99

00:05:08.000 Half the special was all the shit that he got arrested for over the last two years. 0.99

00:05:12.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:05:13.000 And that's a trip.

00:05:16.000 Like, I worked on this cruise line And they said, yeah, Cat came, but he had a gun.

00:05:23.000 And you're just like, well, you brought a gun to a cruise ship?

00:05:27.000 Like, what did you expect to happen on a cruise ship?

00:05:32.000 You know what I mean?

00:05:33.000 Maybe somebody could throw him off.

00:05:35.000 That's what would freak me out about a cruise ship.

00:05:37.000 Somebody throwing you off.

00:05:38.000 Because that has happened.

00:05:39.000 Like, some guy threw his wife off.

00:05:41.000 And he's like, oh, I don't know what happened.

00:05:42.000 She was out.

00:05:43.000 She went out to get a drink.

00:05:44.000 And then, uh, huh?

00:05:46.000 And they were like, what?

00:05:47.000 It was like the reaction the guy had to his wife falling overboard, the crocodile tears.

00:05:52.000 And they were like, okay, dude, have a seat.

00:05:54.000 We're going to ask you some questions.

00:05:57.000 You and Debbie, how are you guys getting along?

00:06:00.000 You know?

00:06:01.000 You guys fight a lot?

00:06:02.000 I do these charter cruises, jazz cruises.

00:06:05.000 And, you know, after the cruise, the guy who runs it will tell some of the funny stories of what happened while we were at sea.

00:06:12.000 And on one cruise, newlyweds get into a fight the first night. 0.88

00:06:16.000 She threw all of his clothes overboard.

00:06:20.000 Everything of his thrown overboard.

00:06:21.000 They had to bring him to the ship's store.

00:06:24.000 And he had to wear, you know, they sell like the little shorts and the polo shirts from the cruise line.

00:06:29.000 And he had to wear that all week.

00:06:31.000 Well, I hope he stayed with her.

00:06:34.000 I hope they worked it out.

00:06:36.000 Yeah, I don't know how it worked out in the long run.

00:06:38.000 They finished the cruise.

00:06:40.000 A little throwing clothes overboard.

00:06:41.000 I hope it didn't wreck a beautiful future relationship.

00:06:45.000 Beautiful matrimony.

00:06:47.000 Beautiful nuptials in the Lord's eyes.

00:06:49.000 You had to know that was in her though, right?

00:06:53.000 You'd never know, man.

00:06:54.000 I've met people that got married and then immediately afterwards their chick became a nightmare. 0.99

00:07:00.000 Really?

00:07:00.000 Yeah.

00:07:01.000 I've heard that more than once.

00:07:02.000 I've heard, I don't know, I've heard some things, but not like to that extent.

00:07:07.000 I would think there'd be flashes of psycho prior to that level.

00:07:12.000 I don't know.

00:07:13.000 My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, she was a little irritable because she was pregnant. 1.00

00:07:19.000 But then after the baby came, once she realized that he was never going to leave because he loves the baby and he loves having a family, she started ordering him around, yelling at him.

00:07:31.000 Barking orders out.

00:07:32.000 I'm telling him what he can and can't do now. 0.99

00:07:34.000 And he was like, what the fuck happened to you? 0.99

00:07:37.000 Like, we're the same people. 0.99

00:07:38.000 We just have a baby now.

00:07:40.000 But in your mind, no.

00:07:41.000 The relationships change.

00:07:43.000 We're going to have to reorganize and restructure this deal.

00:07:46.000 We're going to have to sit down.

00:07:48.000 And this is how it's going to go now. 1.00

00:07:49.000 I'm going to shit in your mouth. 1.00

00:07:51.000 It's time to renegotiate. 1.00

00:07:52.000 And you have no negotiating power in this negotiation.

00:07:55.000 Yeah, she kept threatening to take the kid away. 0.99

00:07:57.000 That was her big thing.

00:07:58.000 Take the kid away, I'm gonna move in with my parents. 1.00

00:08:00.000 All kinds of crazy shit, man. 1.00

00:08:02.000 And just immediately, and he went from being the happiest guy, I'm psyched, she's perfect, we get along so well, we're gonna have a baby together that's gonna be amazing, to fuck, dude, I don't know what to do, fuck! 1.00

00:08:15.000 He was just constantly stressed out, his eyes were darting around the room. 0.99

00:08:19.000 That sounds like the old days when you had to stay married.

00:08:24.000 When was that?

00:08:25.000 That was our parents' generation.

00:08:26.000 They stayed married.

00:08:28.000 They hated each other.

00:08:29.000 I'm not saying specifically, but you know what I mean?

00:08:31.000 Like that divorce, they just didn't do it.

00:08:34.000 They just stayed married.

00:08:35.000 They were like, yeah, we've been married for 50 years.

00:08:38.000 Don't particularly like each other, but we got to stay married because we made a vow.

00:08:43.000 I mean, that's how it was.

00:08:45.000 It was a generational pressure.

00:08:47.000 And now they say the opposite is true.

00:08:50.000 Like you have one bad day. 1.00

00:08:51.000 Yeah, it's enough of this shit. 1.00

00:08:54.000 Well, it's a religious thing too, right? 1.00

00:08:56.000 A lot of people don't want to get, like Catholics especially, did not want to get divorced.

00:08:59.000 That was a big thing.

00:09:00.000 Yeah, it was like an unforgivable sin.

00:09:04.000 Yeah.

00:09:05.000 When I was young, it was a big deal, man.

00:09:07.000 Someone talked about getting divorced.

00:09:09.000 I remember when I was a little kid, a lot of it was like they would start bringing up the church.

00:09:13.000 But the church doesn't want you getting divorced.

00:09:15.000 In the eyes of the Lord, you're married, you should work this out.

00:09:19.000 Part of the problem is who you are when you meet, say if you meet, you're 25, you fall in love, you get married and you're 30, who you are at 30 is not who you are at 40. You are a different fucking human being. 1.00

00:09:32.000 But you have a much better chance then than really young. 1.00

00:09:36.000 I have a niece, she's 26, and she's engaged, and I'm still waiting to see how this plays out, because he's 23. And I'm just like, too young.

00:09:48.000 Just think who you are at 23 to who you are at 30. Completely different.

00:09:54.000 If you grow up together, that's cool.

00:09:59.000 And you go through those bumps together.

00:10:02.000 But it's too easy to be a whole different person.

00:10:06.000 When I moved out here, when I came to LA, I worked in aircraft.

00:10:10.000 I went to aviation high school in New York.

00:10:13.000 Lockheed Aircraft discovered this high school that trains airplane mechanics.

00:10:16.000 So they literally hired hundreds of us, like, moved to L.A., you got a job.

00:10:21.000 I knew more guys, 18 and 19, who married their girlfriend because they didn't want to, like, they were leaving home.

00:10:29.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:29.000 Like, I'm starting life.

00:10:30.000 We're going to get married.

00:10:32.000 Consequently, I knew more guys who were divorced at 21. Yeah.

00:10:38.000 I would have married my girlfriend in high school.

00:10:41.000 When I was 18, I would have definitely married her.

00:10:43.000 Really?

00:10:43.000 100%.

00:10:44.000 How long do you think it would have lasted?

00:10:45.000 A week.

00:10:47.000 A couple months at the most.

00:10:48.000 She was a very nice girl, but she moved across town.

00:10:54.000 Not across town, across the state, like an hour and a half away.

00:10:56.000 I was so sad.

00:10:58.000 I couldn't believe it. 0.99

00:10:59.000 God damn, she's all the way over there. 1.00

00:11:01.000 If she wanted to get married and we'd be together, I would have done it. 0.99

00:11:04.000 I will say, without exaggeration, without exaggeration, of 100 guys I knew married before they were 20, I only know two still married.

00:11:14.000 I only know two.

00:11:16.000 You know 100 guys who got married by the time they were 20?

00:11:18.000 Yeah, guys were coming out and it was like I got a job.

00:11:23.000 I got an apartment.

00:11:24.000 Let me send for my girlfriend from New York. 0.99

00:11:26.000 Let's get married.

00:11:28.000 And they were just doing it.

00:11:29.000 There were two things that we did on a regular basis.

00:11:32.000 Go to weddings and bail guys out of jail.

00:11:35.000 Because everybody was getting DUIs.

00:11:38.000 So we were like, all right, let's just keep a DUI fund for whoever gets picked up this week.

00:11:43.000 You guys had a fund?

00:11:44.000 We practically did.

00:11:45.000 We had a network.

00:11:47.000 Where we call, like, yeah, so-and-so's in jail.

00:11:49.000 All right, I got 50 bucks.

00:11:50.000 All right, I got 100 bucks, whatever, and we get them out.

00:11:53.000 How much does it cost to get you out of jail for a DUI? Back then, let's see, that was early 80s, probably about 400 or 500 bucks.

00:11:59.000 That's it?

00:12:00.000 It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now.

00:12:04.000 Like back in around, this is 80, 81, 82, getting a DUI was like a really bad ticket.

00:12:11.000 You went to jail for one night, but it wasn't like it is now.

00:12:17.000 As a matter of fact, I taught comedy traffic school in the late 90s, and they said a DUI then cost you $10,000 by the time you paid for the fine and drunk driving school and a lawyer and all of that.

00:12:32.000 It's got to be a lot more than that now.

00:12:34.000 Yeah, it's probably 10,000 to 15,000.

00:12:36.000 But it's a big crime now, right?

00:12:37.000 Big crime, yeah.

00:12:38.000 Yeah.

00:12:38.000 When I was in high school, a kid I went to school with, nice kid, got in a drunk driving accident, killed his friend.

00:12:46.000 Never forget that.

00:12:47.000 I think that's the worst part, if you have that, because you've got to live with that.

00:12:53.000 Yeah.

00:12:54.000 You know what I mean?

00:12:54.000 And I can't imagine...

00:12:57.000 It's bad enough if you have an accident, but if you're drunk and you have an accident or you kill your friend in the car or some shit like that, having to live with that's got to be the worst.

00:13:06.000 Yeah, and he was like, I don't think we were any older than 17 or 18 at the time. 0.89

00:13:10.000 I think he was just learning how to drive, really.

00:13:14.000 I heard about it, heard the whole story, and I knew that he had tried to commit suicide at the hospital.

00:13:20.000 He tried to jump out of the window.

00:13:21.000 The cops told him.

00:13:23.000 They came up to him while he was in the hospital bed and said, you know, you're a murderer now.

00:13:27.000 And he's like, what?

00:13:28.000 He's like, your friend's dead. 0.99

00:13:29.000 You're a murderer now.

00:13:30.000 And he's like, what? 0.92

00:13:32.000 And he just freaked out.

00:13:33.000 He just ran towards the window and they grabbed him.

00:13:38.000 I was walking down the street in my neighborhood, and he was walking towards me, and I saw him, and he saw me, and we looked at each other, and I said, how you doing, man?

00:13:47.000 He said, hi.

00:13:49.000 I'll never forget the sadness, the sadness that was oozing out of his body. 1.00

00:13:56.000 Poor bastard. 0.99

00:13:57.000 They had this commercial, and it was like the last text of people who died texting. 0.99

00:14:04.000 Did you ever see that one?

00:14:05.000 No, but there was a guy, I think he was a publicist to Paris Hilton or something like that, like one of those, I think it was Paris Hilton's publicist, drove off the fucking mountain in Malibu, you know, those crazy winding roads,

00:14:22.000 and he made a text about his dog, like, LOL, she's so cute, and the dog was in the car with him. 1.00

00:14:31.000 I forget the specifics of the case, but they found the dude at the bottom of the canyon, and then they deduced, like, oh, this dumb fuck was texting. 0.99

00:14:38.000 One single passenger, I mean, a dog, by himself, not an accident, didn't collide with anything, just went off the side. 0.99

00:14:45.000 Just drove off the, yeah, well.

00:14:48.000 It's, I don't know.

00:14:51.000 You'll never have me on the podcast again. 0.99

00:14:53.000 People are like, this is the saddest shit I've ever heard. 0.99

00:14:55.000 We've heard a lot sadder. 1.00

00:14:56.000 We're ten minutes in and everyone's dying.

00:14:59.000 When you're driving and you're drunk especially, you don't think it's going to happen to you.

00:15:05.000 That's the real problem with people.

00:15:06.000 Everyone thinks it's someone else.

00:15:08.000 I can drive.

00:15:09.000 I'm okay.

00:15:10.000 Well, that's what alcohol does to you, though.

00:15:12.000 Alcohol has you convinced that everything's gonna be fine.

00:15:14.000 Yeah, you hold all of your perceptions off so you think it, yeah, I'm alright.

00:15:19.000 Which is like the exact opposite of pot. 0.99

00:15:21.000 When you smoke pot, you're like, I can't fucking drive! 0.99

00:15:23.000 Dude, there's no way I can drive! 0.99

00:15:25.000 Like, drive when you're high, everything works. 0.98

00:15:27.000 Like, you can hit the brakes, you can make turns, but you're convinced that there's no fucking way you're gonna be able to make this exit. 1.00

00:15:34.000 Like, the exit's over there, I gotta get over there, fuck! 0.99

00:15:37.000 I remember one of the first times I ever drove when I was high. 0.99

00:15:39.000 I just couldn't believe I was driving.

00:15:41.000 I was like, this is so bad.

00:15:42.000 This is so bad.

00:15:43.000 Meanwhile, I was going 55 miles an hour, staying in the lane, was very aware of everything, looking left, looking right, looking in the rearview mirror.

00:15:51.000 But if I was drunk, I'd been like, I got this.

00:15:54.000 I got it.

00:15:55.000 When I used to get loaded, I could drive high.

00:15:58.000 I never liked being drunk because I always felt out of control.

00:16:02.000 Not like crazy out of control, but sloppy out of control.

00:16:07.000 You are. 0.99

00:16:08.000 It's a terrible drug. 0.72

00:16:09.000 Yeah.

00:16:11.000 Especially the next morning when you wake up sober in jail.

00:16:16.000 You realize what you did?

00:16:17.000 That's when it hits.

00:16:20.000 Have you had DUI before?

00:16:21.000 No.

00:16:22.000 Knock wood. 0.99

00:16:22.000 Got arrested for possession once. 0.99

00:16:24.000 That's when I got sober.

00:16:25.000 Really?

00:16:25.000 Got arrested for possession of cocaine.

00:16:28.000 And spent the night in jail.

00:16:31.000 And I'm going to tell you, the happiest moment in court Is when you show up for your possession of cocaine and as a public defender.

00:16:39.000 And I'm sweating like I don't know what's going to happen or this or that.

00:16:44.000 Because it was crack that I had.

00:16:47.000 And he's like, you okay?

00:16:50.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:16:50.000 He said, did anyone tell you?

00:16:52.000 No.

00:16:52.000 I said, oh, whatever you had, it wasn't cocaine.

00:16:54.000 So you're just here on driving on a suspended license.

00:16:57.000 I was like, guilty!

00:16:58.000 Ha ha ha!

00:16:59.000 Guilty!

00:16:59.000 What?

00:17:00.000 Suspended license?

00:17:01.000 I don't even need you.

00:17:01.000 It wasn't real?

00:17:02.000 Someone sold you some bullshit crack? 1.00

00:17:04.000 Yep, yep. 1.00

00:17:04.000 Thank God. 1.00

00:17:05.000 Oh, you're so lucky.

00:17:07.000 Wow, what was it?

00:17:09.000 Who knows?

00:17:10.000 I don't know what it was.

00:17:11.000 Whatever it was, when they tested it, it was not cocaine.

00:17:14.000 I'll tell you what it was.

00:17:15.000 It was the greatest day of my life.

00:17:19.000 Well, Joey Diaz would tell stories about giving girls chopped up aspirins and them acting like it's the greatest coke they've ever done in their life.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, yeah, people, well, so much of it is, like, psychological.

00:17:30.000 But with crack, I mean, when it hits you, you know it.

00:17:34.000 But this one, I, listen, Joe, I got busted. 0.99

00:17:36.000 It was the dumbest thing. 0.94

00:17:39.000 Like, I was on this street, you know, crack road, whatever, you go to cop, right? 1.00

00:17:45.000 So I had the rock, and I knew the rock because I had tried to smoke it and it melted, and I was like, this is bullshit. 0.96

00:17:50.000 So I go back like I'm looking for the guy, right? 0.97

00:17:53.000 Like, what am I going to do? 0.99

00:17:54.000 I ain't going to do shit. 0.99

00:17:55.000 Like, I'm not hard. 0.98

00:17:55.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:17:56.000 I'm not a crip.

00:17:57.000 I'm just going back looking for the guy.

00:17:59.000 And the cops swooped on the street, and they come in from both sides with cars, you know, like it's a whole thing.

00:18:06.000 Just shut down the whole street.

00:18:08.000 So I throw the rock out of the window.

00:18:11.000 It hits the gutter above the window and lands in my lap.

00:18:16.000 When the cop looked, I had a rock sitting in my lap.

00:18:20.000 It's like, I tried to get rid of it, you know?

00:18:23.000 Yeah, you think a rock, if your window is open, a rock, you could just flick it like a booger.

00:18:29.000 Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:18:31.000 Did you try to throw it out the side window?

00:18:33.000 Yeah.

00:18:34.000 The passenger?

00:18:34.000 No, no, driver's.

00:18:36.000 Yours?

00:18:36.000 Yeah.

00:18:36.000 And it bounced off.

00:18:37.000 Literally hit that gutter, you know, that little rail above the window and bounced right, landed right in my lap. 0.99

00:18:43.000 Dude, that is shit luck. 0.99

00:18:44.000 Oh, man. 1.00

00:18:45.000 But great luck.

00:18:46.000 Great luck in the long run, but in the moment, not good.

00:18:49.000 Wow.

00:18:50.000 Not good.

00:18:51.000 So that was the moment you decided to quit?

00:18:53.000 When I, yeah, that night in jail, it was one of those things where, like, it's one of those moments where you realize I'm not supposed to be here.

00:19:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:03.000 Like with everything that had transpired in my life, like I was still in aerospace then, but you know, licensed airplane mechanic, good job, blah, blah, blah, everything else.

00:19:13.000 It just hit me in that moment like this is not how it's supposed to end.

00:19:16.000 Because I knew guys who had gone down that road, you know what I mean?

00:19:19.000 Like I knew guys who were doing time and shit like that.

00:19:22.000 And for a lot of guys... 0.95

00:19:25.000 Jail is just part of life.

00:19:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:27.000 Like, I go away for a couple of years, come back.

00:19:30.000 Like, I'm not that guy.

00:19:31.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:32.000 And I didn't want to become that guy.

00:19:35.000 I had no...

00:19:37.000 When I was a kid, one of the neighbor's sons, he was in Attica.

00:19:42.000 And I will never forget this.

00:19:44.000 We were going somewhere upstate New York, and we went to visit him.

00:19:49.000 And when you go in and that gate closes behind you, like I don't know if you've ever been in a maximum security prison, but when that gate, it's...

00:20:00.000 Never forgot that sound for the rest of my life. 0.99

00:20:02.000 Like, oh, fuck no. 0.99

00:20:04.000 Whatever I do, this ain't where I'm gonna end up. 0.99

00:20:07.000 What did he go to Annika for?

00:20:09.000 Armed robbery.

00:20:11.000 Yeah, he was an armed robber. 0.86

00:20:12.000 He was a habitual criminal.

00:20:14.000 He'd spent the rest of his life, like, he was never out of jail.

00:20:18.000 For more than a year.

00:20:20.000 Because once you get in that system, then you're always getting picked up for something.

00:20:25.000 And the people that you know, the people that you surround yourself with, it becomes a pattern.

00:20:30.000 You're constantly around people that are doing things like that.

00:20:32.000 It becomes normal.

00:20:33.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

00:20:34.000 It becomes normal.

00:20:35.000 And once it becomes normal, it's tough to crack.

00:20:39.000 How old were you when you first tried crack?

00:20:42.000 Let's see.

00:20:43.000 Speaking of tough to crack.

00:20:45.000 22?

00:20:49.000 Maybe 23, something like that.

00:20:50.000 And what was the scenario?

00:20:53.000 Well, actually, the first time I tried it, okay, it started out, you know, like just partying as a kid, smoking weed, drinking beer, whatever, and then getting into a little cocaine.

00:21:05.000 Here and there, you know, snorting it.

00:21:09.000 And then I had a friend, and this had to be 84 maybe, 83, whatever, when people were still, you know, just starting to get into freebasing and crack and stuff like that. 0.97

00:21:22.000 And he hit it, and he gave me the pipe, and I hit it, and I was like, holy shit. 0.73

00:21:26.000 It scared me. 0.99

00:21:27.000 I was like, this is too good. 1.00

00:21:28.000 I said, man, you better get off this shit. 1.00

00:21:32.000 You're going to lose everything. 1.00

00:21:34.000 Wow.

00:21:35.000 Because the high was so good.

00:21:37.000 What does it feel like?

00:21:38.000 Describe it.

00:21:40.000 It's a rush.

00:21:43.000 It's an overpowering rush of energy and, I don't know, like a lightning bolt hitting you with no pain, but just like you're buzzing, like your whole body is just...

00:21:57.000 You know, I guess cocaine works on whatever the receptors of good feelings in your body.

00:22:05.000 I forget what it's called scientifically.

00:22:06.000 It's dopamine, but they're also like nerve...

00:22:08.000 There are nerve endings that make you feel good, and cocaine works on these.

00:22:13.000 And crack is such an intense hit.

00:22:19.000 It's like doing it all at once, as opposed to when you're snorting it, you're getting high a little here, a little there.

00:22:25.000 Now it's concentrated, and it's a rush, but it's beyond anything else.

00:22:30.000 It is instantly addicting.

00:22:33.000 Wow.

00:22:33.000 Because it's a rush that you've never felt before.

00:22:36.000 Now, I've never shot up, so I can't compare it to shooting drugs, but I had never felt anything like that, and it literally scared me.

00:22:45.000 And then, like, a year and a half later is when I got into doing it myself, you know, with some other guys.

00:22:52.000 And it was like me and this other guy...

00:22:55.000 We kind of said we're going to watch each other.

00:22:57.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:58.000 So it's like he'll tell me when to stop or I'll tell him when to stop.

00:23:02.000 And it actually worked for as long as we were both in the same room.

00:23:08.000 So you decided to be like sitters for each other.

00:23:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:10.000 Because you knew.

00:23:11.000 Because we'd seen people.

00:23:13.000 We'd seen people get sprung and lose everything.

00:23:16.000 The first guy who turned me on to it, I watched him lose.

00:23:20.000 He had this incredibly beautiful girlfriend.

00:23:23.000 She dumped him.

00:23:24.000 Then he lost his car.

00:23:25.000 Then he lost his apartment.

00:23:27.000 Like, it literally...

00:23:28.000 Crack will take...

00:23:29.000 You know, I mean, Richard Pryor's... 1.00

00:23:31.000 Jokes, like that shit is true. 1.00

00:23:33.000 The pipe will tell you. 1.00

00:23:34.000 That ain't shit. 0.99

00:23:35.000 This is you and me. 0.99

00:23:36.000 It's you and me. 1.00

00:23:37.000 You don't need this, bitch. 1.00

00:23:39.000 You don't need that fucking car. 1.00

00:23:40.000 You don't need, you know, I sold a crack car. 1.00

00:23:43.000 I sold a car I had for 500 bucks, you know, to smoke that up.

00:23:47.000 How often were you smoking it?

00:23:49.000 At the end, I was daily.

00:23:52.000 As often as I could get the money.

00:23:55.000 Wow.

00:23:55.000 Daily?

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 As often as I could get.

00:23:58.000 I still had a job almost to the end.

00:24:01.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:01.000 And I got laid off from my job.

00:24:03.000 So when I got my paycheck, that's when it would start. 1.00

00:24:06.000 And it was always the same bullshit. 0.99

00:24:08.000 Like, alright, I'm only going to do like one eight ball. 1.00

00:24:11.000 I mean, that's like...

00:24:12.000 Spend $150, that's going to be it.

00:24:14.000 So you get that, and then you smoke that up.

00:24:16.000 You're like, alright, I'm only going to do 20 more.

00:24:18.000 I'm only going to do 20 more.

00:24:20.000 I'm only going to do 20 more.

00:24:21.000 And then you do that, and then the next thing you know, it's the next day, and it's all gone.

00:24:27.000 And the money's gone.

00:24:28.000 And I was...

00:24:32.000 Like I say, I'm not a criminal.

00:24:34.000 Like, I didn't come from that.

00:24:35.000 That's where my head was.

00:24:36.000 My next stop was, okay, how do I steal something or rip somebody off or whatever?

00:24:42.000 Wow.

00:24:43.000 And, yeah, it's totally...

00:24:46.000 And the bad thing is, once you get to that point, you're not getting high anymore because your brain's so fried.

00:24:54.000 That the drug's not working, like whatever the nerves and the brain cells and stuff are fried, so you're smoking it, but you're not getting that rush anymore.

00:25:04.000 You're chasing it, you want it, but you can't find it.

00:25:07.000 So the initial rush that you get the first time you do it is just overwhelming, and then everything else diminishes more and more?

00:25:14.000 It's never, you know, like Sade's song, it's never as good as the first time.

00:25:19.000 And that's the whole thing with drug addiction.

00:25:21.000 With any drug, it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again.

00:25:28.000 I think that's the difference between addicts and regular people.

00:25:32.000 Like regular people like you get high.

00:25:35.000 And you're like, okay, I'm good.

00:25:36.000 You know, I'm a high.

00:25:38.000 I'm having a good time, but when you're an addict, it's like you want that ultimate feeling that you got that one time, and you will sacrifice everything to get it. 0.99

00:25:49.000 Yeah, I've never fucked with coke. 0.98

00:25:51.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:25:51.000 I don't know what that feeling is. 0.98

00:25:53.000 Coke in general is an up drug.

00:25:57.000 It ups your energy and heightened sense of awareness.

00:26:01.000 That's why you get Coke paranoia.

00:26:04.000 I had Coke bugs one time.

00:26:05.000 Coke bugs?

00:26:06.000 Coke bugs.

00:26:06.000 Like crawling on you?

00:26:07.000 It feels like something's crawling in your skin and you're scratching.

00:26:12.000 People have cut themselves open.

00:26:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:26:15.000 But I'll never forget that.

00:26:16.000 That was the weirdest thing.

00:26:18.000 Because it literally felt like there were bugs crawling out of my skin, and I'm just like, ah!

00:26:23.000 But it does that, because it affects your nervous system.

00:26:27.000 And this is the extreme.

00:26:29.000 This isn't the snort coke with a chick in the bathroom of a club. 0.98

00:26:36.000 This is beyond that.

00:26:38.000 This is beyond the fun part.

00:26:40.000 Did the snorting grab you as much as the smoking it, or was the smoking it where it really... 0.99

00:26:44.000 Yeah, the snorting was good, but snorting is also hard on you, like your nose gets fucked up. 0.97

00:26:50.000 In the 80s, there were a lot of deviated septums. 0.98

00:26:55.000 There were a lot of plastic surgeons putting noses back together in the 80s.

00:26:59.000 So it eats through your nose?

00:27:00.000 Is that true?

00:27:01.000 Yeah, it literally eats through your nose.

00:27:02.000 I always wanted to know if that was true.

00:27:03.000 Yeah, that's center...

00:27:05.000 Membrane goes away.

00:27:07.000 And your nose just becomes one big nostril.

00:27:09.000 Probably better for cardio.

00:27:10.000 Yeah.

00:27:11.000 Well, there you go.

00:27:11.000 Oh, I used to work out, man.

00:27:13.000 I used to get coked up and work out at a 24-hour gym. 0.99

00:27:16.000 If I wasn't in shape, my heart would have exploded with some of the shit I used to do. 0.97

00:27:21.000 But you do it for the rush because you're coked up and then you start lifting. 0.98

00:27:25.000 And you know how it is.

00:27:25.000 You get that pump.

00:27:27.000 Right.

00:27:27.000 And now you're like, ah!

00:27:28.000 And you just feel like you can fucking... 0.97

00:27:31.000 Explode, you know, and I'm sure my heart was doing 150 beats a minute at least. 0.99

00:27:36.000 And you were coked up lifting weights.

00:27:38.000 Oh yeah, yeah.

00:27:39.000 And that was one of the reasons I think that I was able to hide it because I didn't look like a crackhead because I didn't lose weight because I got coked up and worked out.

00:27:50.000 But did you eat too?

00:27:52.000 I ate when I wasn't on it.

00:27:54.000 I didn't eat when I was on it, but I ate when I wasn't on it.

00:27:57.000 But you were doing it every day.

00:27:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:00.000 Well, every day, as long as I had the money, the money would run out.

00:28:04.000 So if I got paid Thursday, every day lasted until Saturday, maybe Sunday.

00:28:08.000 And then you just get a little chip here and there, a little piece, but nothing to keep you high all day.

00:28:13.000 So, I mean, I did a lot to hide it.

00:28:16.000 You know, I led this dual life like I worked during the day.

00:28:20.000 I was the airplane mechanic, and then when I got off work, I just locked myself up in my apartment, did coke, drank.

00:28:27.000 I lived like that for...

00:28:32.000 My life was fully like that for a little over a year.

00:28:35.000 But the worst part, the last two years was when it was bad.

00:28:40.000 It was bad.

00:28:41.000 So you went crazy for a year?

00:28:44.000 Were you drinking just to try to calm your heart down?

00:28:47.000 No, you drink because, first of all, your torch was a little cotton ball dipped in the 151 rum.

00:28:55.000 So you had 151 there.

00:28:57.000 So you would drink that.

00:28:58.000 Because you have it.

00:29:00.000 And you drink...

00:29:00.000 A torch.

00:29:01.000 Yeah.

00:29:01.000 In other words, you don't cook crack with a lighter.

00:29:04.000 You don't?

00:29:05.000 I hate giving crack lessons on the podcast.

00:29:07.000 Please do.

00:29:07.000 Don't worry, because I won't.

00:29:08.000 No, you don't hold a lighter.

00:29:10.000 You need a torch.

00:29:11.000 You need a hotter flame.

00:29:12.000 So you would take...

00:29:13.000 I'm trying to remember...

00:29:16.000 How we did it.

00:29:17.000 I'm trying to remember what you dipped into the rum.

00:29:20.000 And it's great that I don't remember.

00:29:22.000 Because I remember the screen was this chore boy, which was like a steel wool with no soap in it.

00:29:28.000 That's what you used as a screen in the pipe.

00:29:31.000 But I forget how I did the torch.

00:29:34.000 But anyway, the torch, you would dip it into 151 rum.

00:29:38.000 And light that, because that was a hotter flame than using a lighter.

00:29:42.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:29:43.000 What about those, like, blowtorch?

00:29:45.000 Yeah, they came out with those.

00:29:47.000 They came out with the torch lighters later.

00:29:48.000 But, like, you knew certain crackhead things, and you would, like, when you were at a crackhead liquor store, you know what I mean?

00:29:55.000 You could tell by stuff they sold.

00:29:58.000 Like, they would just have Shore Boy scrub brushes, and they would have, like, 151 rum, but like in half pints.

00:30:05.000 You know, who's buying a half pint of 151?

00:30:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:09.000 And you'd get Bic lighters, you'd get that pack of five.

00:30:13.000 Because you'd go through lighters all the time.

00:30:16.000 So you just...

00:30:17.000 But that was it.

00:30:19.000 That was the life.

00:30:20.000 But it was the initial rush, man.

00:30:22.000 The rush was like...

00:30:23.000 And once you hit it, once you hit that...

00:30:27.000 Then nothing else mattered.

00:30:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:29.000 Like, in other words, once you got that first hit, then you didn't care about...

00:30:34.000 And that's why you hear about those stories about people, you know, leaving...

00:30:38.000 I mean, the tragic stuff, leaving their kid in the car while they were in the crack house or, you know, the guy who never comes home or whatever, because you were out of your mind.

00:30:48.000 It took over.

00:30:50.000 Very rarely did you come across a social crack user.

00:30:53.000 Yeah.

00:30:54.000 Crack-dominated life. 1.00

00:30:57.000 What you saw happen to Chris Rock in New Jack City, that was it.

00:31:02.000 That was real.

00:31:03.000 And that's how it would take you over.

00:31:06.000 It's amazing that you kicked it just from one arrest.

00:31:10.000 Well, again, that one arrest...

00:31:13.000 Well, you gotta remember, you hate yourself while you're doing it.

00:31:16.000 You're not enjoying it.

00:31:17.000 You're in a place... 1.00

00:31:19.000 Because you know you're fucking up. 0.99

00:31:21.000 I mean, like, in my case... 0.99

00:31:24.000 I'm not going, my family's in New York where I grew up.

00:31:28.000 I'm not going home to visit anybody.

00:31:30.000 I'm not going home on any holidays.

00:31:33.000 My last Thanksgiving, now I'm invited to at least two, three friends and families, you know, come over for Thanksgiving dinner, this or that.

00:31:42.000 It's me, the pipe, and a Denny's.

00:31:45.000 Take out Thanksgiving dinner.

00:31:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:48.000 And you're sitting there, and you know that. 1.00

00:31:50.000 That's what fucks with you. 0.97

00:31:51.000 You know, and you're like, well, one more hit, and then I'm going to go to, you know, so-and-so's house. 0.99

00:31:57.000 I'm going to make it out the house today.

00:31:58.000 And you don't.

00:31:59.000 And this is every week, and it's in your mind, like, I just did it again.

00:32:04.000 I didn't show up for this.

00:32:06.000 I didn't show up for that.

00:32:07.000 I'm missing work.

00:32:08.000 Whatever.

00:32:10.000 Bills aren't paid.

00:32:11.000 I went through bankruptcy, the whole bit.

00:32:13.000 And so you know you're destroying your life.

00:32:18.000 And so the arrest was just like when it all came to a head.

00:32:23.000 You know what I mean?

00:32:23.000 Because now I'm just in jail by myself, sitting in Van Nuys Jail with nothing but my thoughts of this is what I did.

00:32:33.000 Yeah, they say that you need a rock bottom, right?

00:32:36.000 Yeah, it's different for everybody, but you hit that bottom.

00:32:40.000 And the only thing I remembered after that when I went to rehab was I never want to feel like that again.

00:32:47.000 You know, like whatever happens in my life, I don't want to feel like that again.

00:32:53.000 Wow.

00:32:55.000 So, bad timing on the rehab.

00:32:57.000 That's a good rock bottom, though.

00:32:58.000 It's a good rock bottom story, too. 0.91

00:33:00.000 It's a real rock bottom, but when it comes to rehab, if I had walked out of the house on Last Comic Standing into celebrity rehab, how fucking famous would I be now, Joe? 0.94

00:33:10.000 Pretty famous. 0.90

00:33:10.000 Yeah, I blew it. 0.90

00:33:12.000 You timed it for him.

00:33:13.000 Timing off.

00:33:14.000 When did you start doing stand-up?

00:33:15.000 Well, that's the funny thing, and it's literally one of those cases where the worst thing in your life leads to the best thing in your life.

00:33:23.000 So...

00:33:24.000 I go to rehab, and when you're in, I was in outpatient, so you're in these meetings and there's psychologists and whatever.

00:33:33.000 So this wasn't court appointed, this was like your own decision?

00:33:36.000 No, this was my thing, yeah. 0.99

00:33:37.000 Because I had gone, when I had my job, I had tried rehab once and I didn't make it because I didn't give a shit, you know. 0.97

00:33:43.000 So I went back to the same place and they let me back in. 0.98

00:33:46.000 So four hours a day you're doing the psychology thing and the meetings and whatever else.

00:33:52.000 And this woman came in, and she was from...

00:33:56.000 People who are in recovery go to rehabs, and they tell people, like, this is how it works, this is what it's like, blah, blah, blah.

00:34:04.000 So...

00:34:05.000 She was hot. 1.00

00:34:06.000 All I remember is she was hot as hell. 1.00

00:34:08.000 And she was from New York, right? 0.99

00:34:10.000 So after she talks, I make my move, you know, because I'm sober like three fucking days, right? 0.91

00:34:16.000 But she said, listen, I'm married, but there are a lot of women like me that go to a place called Studio 12. And Studio 12 was a rehab for the crew. 0.97

00:34:24.000 So the stars went to Betty Ford.

00:34:27.000 But the crew, the electricians, the lighting guys, the makeup artists, the clothes, they all went to this place called Studio 12, and that's where she was from.

00:34:36.000 So she took me over there, and I met these guys, and I started going to meetings there, and that's where I got sober.

00:34:43.000 Those were the guys who helped me, who showed me, who sponsored me, everything else.

00:34:49.000 But they were also they were in the entertainment business and and I always had a sense of humor I could make people laugh but I had never thought about it because if you're not like you know I grew up in blue-collar home and then you you grow up you go to school you get a job like entertainment show business nowhere on the radar that's something that other people do and you watch on TV but now I know guys who are in it I know people who are doing it and I was teaching aerospace and making people laugh and shit like that and I said I want to be a comic and And my AA sponsor

00:35:19.000 was like, man, go for it. 0.99

00:35:21.000 Try it.

00:35:21.000 And I literally did one of those writing classes, and I did the five-minute graduation hooked.

00:35:29.000 And from then on, so that's how my comedy career started.

00:35:32.000 So was it writing like a Sandy Shore type class?

00:35:34.000 It was a guy named Len Ostrovich.

00:35:36.000 He used to write for Rich Jenny.

00:35:39.000 Whoa.

00:35:39.000 And he was...

00:35:43.000 He was somewhere in Santa Monica.

00:35:45.000 There used to be a theater in Santa Monica where they used to do, I forget, it was this Comedy Central half-hour comedy thing.

00:35:53.000 I forget what it was called.

00:35:55.000 But anyway, he used to work there, and that's where he did the class.

00:35:58.000 So I did his six-week writing class and the five-minute graduation show and just absolutely knew it.

00:36:07.000 I was like, this is what I'm going to do.

00:36:09.000 I'm never going to fix an airplane again.

00:36:11.000 I'm doing this.

00:36:12.000 Wow.

00:36:13.000 Then, you know, that's how it started.

00:36:15.000 Then it was just open mics and grinding and everything else.

00:36:19.000 I know a lot of dudes who got into it because they would go to AA and then they'd have those meetings. 0.99

00:36:24.000 Then they'd go up in the meetings and they would tell funny stories about shit they did when they were fucked up. 0.95

00:36:28.000 Yeah, I mean, I got laughs in meetings, but it was almost unintentional. 0.99

00:36:33.000 It was just like I'm telling a story, but it's coming out funny.

00:36:36.000 Like, I'm not trying to be funny.

00:36:38.000 Right, right.

00:36:39.000 It just comes out that—because you know how it is.

00:36:41.000 If you have a sense of humor when you tell a story, it's going to be funny.

00:36:44.000 But I didn't know what I was doing.

00:36:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:47.000 It was just—I had this sense of humor.

00:36:50.000 And what Recovery did, it changed my sense of humor from, like, this— This anger, belittling, ripping on people thing to jokes like I'm in on a joke.

00:37:00.000 Like, now it's just funny.

00:37:01.000 Like, instead of being an attack...

00:37:04.000 Oh, so before when you were doing coke, it was like aggressive, like angry at everybody. 1.00

00:37:10.000 Fuck this guy. 1.00

00:37:11.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:37:12.000 Yeah, because you're paranoid and you're fucked up. 1.00

00:37:14.000 And when you do talk to people or whatever, you just kind of separate from them, you know? 0.99

00:37:19.000 Right.

00:37:19.000 But anyway, yeah, so that literally, had I not gotten sober, I wouldn't have become a comic.

00:37:26.000 I don't think.

00:37:27.000 Jamie, can you throw some tea on? 0.99

00:37:28.000 I don't know what the fuck is going on in my throat. 1.00

00:37:31.000 But I know that people listening to this are probably like, will you stop fucking clearing your throat? 1.00

00:37:36.000 I can't. 0.99

00:37:36.000 I can't help it, folks. 0.99

00:37:38.000 I think you might have gone a little heavy with the grass-fed butter in today's coffee.

00:37:42.000 I don't know.

00:37:43.000 Maybe that's it.

00:37:45.000 Never tried the butter in coffee.

00:37:46.000 I heard it's better.

00:37:47.000 I heard it's better than sugar.

00:37:49.000 Want to try some?

00:37:49.000 You might start phlemming up, too.

00:37:51.000 Maybe it's something I ate.

00:37:52.000 I don't know.

00:37:53.000 But for me, when I was starting out, when I was an open-miker, there was a lot of guys.

00:37:58.000 There was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald. 0.94

00:38:00.000 Who's a really funny guy, and he just, his whole life, he was just doing blow and partying and drinking and fucking up.

00:38:08.000 And then he finally got himself cleaned up, started going to meetings, and then started making people laugh at these meetings.

00:38:17.000 And he was a good writer, man, a funny comic.

00:38:20.000 And then he got sick.

00:38:22.000 He got sick, wound up dying of cancer.

00:38:24.000 He would have been a big comic.

00:38:25.000 He would have made it.

00:38:27.000 He had a real good sense of humor.

00:38:28.000 He was a funny dude. 0.99

00:38:30.000 But just the toll on his body, all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard. 0.77

00:38:35.000 I have friends who that's happened to, mainly guys who shot drugs, who gave them up, and then 20 years later, Hep C or something like that. 0.94

00:38:45.000 Some latent result from shooting drugs in their 20s destroys their body in their 50s.

00:38:53.000 Yeah, that hep C one's a real common one for guys who do heroin.

00:38:56.000 Yeah.

00:38:57.000 That was what the Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson accusation, right?

00:39:02.000 Yeah.

00:39:02.000 Because they got tattoos together with the same needle to show their love.

00:39:06.000 Yeah.

00:39:07.000 Who's the tattoo artist that does that? 0.60

00:39:09.000 I don't know.

00:39:11.000 Someone that loves hep C. You know, I don't know a tattoo like a I know tattoo artists like if you asked them do they be no like No, I'm wearing gloves for a reason, right?

00:39:25.000 Yeah, this is this is a this is a real procedure You know, it's funny that you said that you you grew up in a blue-collar house and that you didn't know like entertainment was never on the radar because I think that's the case for a lot of people that once you're around someone like when you're around those people that were working in show business you're like,

00:39:42.000 oh These are just regular people.

00:39:44.000 This is a job.

00:39:45.000 Yeah, it's real.

00:39:46.000 Yeah, it's real.

00:39:47.000 That's the case with a lot of things, isn't it?

00:39:50.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:39:51.000 We were talking about this the other day.

00:39:53.000 We were talking about race car drivers.

00:39:56.000 Because a lot of drivers, their kids, their father was a race car driver.

00:40:01.000 So to them, that's normal.

00:40:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:40:05.000 But to most people, the idea of driving a car at 150, 200 miles an hour, they're like, are you out of your mind?

00:40:13.000 But if your dad did it, then you start driving go-karts when you're like three years old.

00:40:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:40:20.000 And then you grow up and you do it, and you never think about, like, this is unusual.

00:40:26.000 Did you see that movie with Thor? 1.00

00:40:28.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:40:29.000 Yeah, yeah, Rush. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Rush.

00:40:30.000 Yeah, I love that.

00:40:31.000 That dude's Thor forever, by the way.

00:40:32.000 I don't even know his name. 0.99

00:40:34.000 Handsome bastard. 1.00

00:40:35.000 I love that stuff. 1.00

00:40:37.000 Formula One racing.

00:40:38.000 That's the real racing, right? 1.00

00:40:39.000 That shit is neck. 1.00

00:40:41.000 I mean, it's a whole different world, but it's so cool to be one of those guys. 1.00

00:40:47.000 The world champion now, this guy Lewis Hamilton out of England.

00:40:50.000 This guy makes $30 million a year.

00:40:54.000 He's got a private jet.

00:40:56.000 I think his girlfriend was like the leader of the Spice Girls or something like that for a while.

00:41:00.000 You know what I mean?

00:41:01.000 And he flies his private jet to Malibu to see his girlfriend.

00:41:04.000 And they always show him like hanging out at some awards show.

00:41:09.000 Like he knows everybody there.

00:41:10.000 Or like he's in the Hamptons with Jamie Foxx.

00:41:13.000 You're like, hell yeah!

00:41:14.000 Like that's...

00:41:15.000 That's how you're supposed to live.

00:41:17.000 Screw all that.

00:41:17.000 I'm training all the time.

00:41:19.000 This guy's living life.

00:41:21.000 You're like 30 years old and you're kicking it in the Hamptons with Jamie Foxx and banging the leader of the Spice Girls. 1.00

00:41:26.000 Like, fuck yeah! 1.00

00:41:28.000 That's a world champion. 1.00

00:41:30.000 That's Rush. 0.98

00:41:31.000 This ain't no NASCAR bullshit. 0.98

00:41:33.000 You ain't drinking PBR. Yeah, the NASCAR thing, I mean, I understand that people enjoy it. 0.97

00:41:40.000 I bet it's fun as hell.

00:41:41.000 But that whole going left, I can't watch a race where you only go left.

00:41:46.000 I can't watch.

00:41:48.000 I couldn't.

00:41:49.000 500 miles of Bubba's turning left.

00:41:53.000 Well, there's a girl in there, too. 0.75

00:41:54.000 Yeah.

00:41:55.000 Bubba.

00:41:55.000 Yeah.

00:41:56.000 Danica Patrick.

00:41:57.000 Are there other girls, Jamie?

00:42:01.000 But the knock on Danica Patrick, and it is true.

00:42:05.000 Like, she ain't gonna win.

00:42:06.000 And she has an attitude about it.

00:42:08.000 It's like she did all the Go Daddy, you know, the bikini stuff and this and that. 0.97

00:42:12.000 And then she's like, well, why do you treat me like a girl? 1.00

00:42:15.000 Because you're fucking selling bikini pictures like you, you know. 0.99

00:42:19.000 I don't think there's anything, you know, people will say there's something that like it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that. 1.00

00:42:27.000 I think that is total bullshit. 0.99

00:42:31.000 Here's my take on it. 1.00

00:42:32.000 A girl's body, when a girl has a hot body, for a guy, that is the most desirable thing to look at on the planet. 1.00

00:42:41.000 When you see a girl that has Jennifer Lopez's ass, that little thin waist and big ass. 1.00

00:42:48.000 There was a girl in line to take pictures with us after the show at the House of Blues in Houston, and me and Ian Edwards talked about her every 20 minutes for the rest of the weekend. 0.99

00:42:58.000 Oh yeah, they'll do that.

00:42:59.000 Just because of her body. 1.00

00:43:01.000 She had this waist, it was like your arm, and then her ass came. 1.00

00:43:06.000 It was insane. 1.00

00:43:07.000 It was insane.

00:43:08.000 And we would be in the car, and I would go, that didn't seem like a real body.

00:43:14.000 And he goes, it didn't seem like a real body. 1.00

00:43:15.000 I was like, what the fuck, man? 0.99

00:43:17.000 I'm not knocking her for doing it. 1.00

00:43:19.000 This is my thing.

00:43:20.000 Don't do it and then complain when people talk about it.

00:43:23.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:43:24.000 In other words, Jennifer Lopez can never say, why are you looking at my ass? 1.00

00:43:28.000 Well, Jen, you called us. 1.00

00:43:31.000 J-Lo, you called us, said, look at that ass, and I'm just playing along. 1.00

00:43:34.000 A lot of them, they start out trying to sell it that way, and then they want to be taken seriously. 0.99

00:43:39.000 Right.

00:43:40.000 Yeah, that does happen.

00:43:41.000 But come on.

00:43:42.000 You can still be taken seriously if you're in your underwear. 1.00

00:43:44.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:43:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:46.000 Just admit that that's what you're selling.

00:43:49.000 It's part of you.

00:43:50.000 It's not all of you, but it's part of you.

00:43:52.000 You know what story I love?

00:43:53.000 They went to the women beach volleyball players. 0.97

00:43:58.000 And they said, you know, you don't have to wear bikinis, you can change the uniform. 0.97

00:44:02.000 And all of them were like, no, no, no, no, no.

00:44:04.000 We were wearing the bikinis. 0.88

00:44:06.000 Because they knew, they were like, yeah, we want people to watch.

00:44:09.000 That's how they're making money.

00:44:10.000 If we're wearing sweats, nobody's watching beach volleyball.

00:44:14.000 Yeah, I remember...

00:44:16.000 No knock.

00:44:18.000 When I first started doing comedy, especially, I always was like real nervous about people seeing the fact that I had muscles, seeing the fact that I worked out, because I always felt like that working out and comedy, they just didn't go together.

00:44:31.000 There's no way.

00:44:31.000 You couldn't be built and do stand-up.

00:44:35.000 But then I met guys like you, and then I met Nick DiPaolo was the first one.

00:44:40.000 I met Nick DiPaolo in Boston.

00:44:42.000 That was back when he was young.

00:44:43.000 He was a football player.

00:44:44.000 He's a big, giant neck. 0.97

00:44:45.000 And he was killing. 1.00

00:44:46.000 And I was like, this is bullshit. 1.00

00:44:48.000 All you have to do is just be funny. 1.00

00:44:49.000 You don't have to hide it.

00:44:51.000 Early in my career, I used to acknowledge it.

00:44:53.000 I've stopped even acknowledging it.

00:44:55.000 But it's always funny to me when people are like, man, if they don't laugh, you can just beat them up.

00:44:59.000 Like, yeah, that's my second strategy.

00:45:01.000 That's what we do. 0.99

00:45:02.000 That's absolutely what I was going to do, because I'm a fucking Viking. 0.99

00:45:06.000 And I'm just gonna jump into the crowd and start beating the shit out of people. 0.99

00:45:10.000 This is funny, y'all! 0.98

00:45:12.000 Yeah, the idea that somehow or another, like, a person who's fit or you have a good body or something, that precludes you from being smart.

00:45:21.000 Like, that's a big thing with girls. 1.00

00:45:22.000 Like, if a girl has a hot body, you think she's gotta be a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:45:25.000 Instantaneously, you see a girl in a bikini with a nice body. 1.00

00:45:29.000 A good percentage of the population wants to write her off.

00:45:32.000 Yeah.

00:45:32.000 Because it's an easy ride for her.

00:45:33.000 Because we know that if you are built like that, the odds that you're doing the work, the odds that you're really studying shit and reading shit and paying attention and really analyzing your thoughts and being objective and correcting mistakes, eh, probably not. 0.99

00:45:47.000 Because you got dick thrown at you like javelins all day long. 1.00

00:45:50.000 You're just dodging dick. 1.00

00:45:51.000 I mean, a girl like that, it's easy to rest on your laurels. 1.00

00:45:55.000 But it doesn't mean that... 0.99

00:45:57.000 To judge them on that, I mean, if you've met enough people in your life, you realize that there's some really hot chicks that are smart as fuck. 1.00

00:46:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:03.000 It's confusing. 0.99

00:46:04.000 Definitely.

00:46:05.000 But they're out there.

00:46:06.000 But it happens.

00:46:07.000 It's like they say, and I found this to be true, the most amazing women are the ones who got hot after high school. 1.00

00:46:15.000 Mmm, yeah, they did because they yeah because they had to they had a personality and they were smart or this or that and then they hit their 20s and They kind of figured out how all the parts come together and became like holy shit hot but they still have that they develop that personality or whatever whereas I If you're born hot and you just look great all your life,

00:46:36.000 and I've met women like this that they have no clue, like, they really think life is that easy for everyone. 0.97

00:46:43.000 Right. 0.99

00:46:44.000 It's like, you understand, like, not everyone, like, some people have to wait in line for shit. 0.99

00:46:51.000 Yeah, for clubs. 0.98

00:46:52.000 Some people, like, yeah.

00:46:54.000 It's no knock against them.

00:46:56.000 It's like, you know, certain people win the birth lottery, you know?

00:47:00.000 You just, like Michael Jordan, Ability to fly.

00:47:05.000 Yeah, but Michael Jordan's a perfect example.

00:47:07.000 I mean, Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team.

00:47:09.000 Michael Jordan, he failed like a lot and then become obsessed, became obsessed with success.

00:47:15.000 Hard work.

00:47:16.000 But then he also happened to grow to 6'7 with the jumping ability.

00:47:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:21.000 It's like that helped.

00:47:23.000 But yeah, it's great when you do all of that, but you still have to have, I think you have to have some talent.

00:47:29.000 It's like comics.

00:47:31.000 You know, I've always thought Dave Chappelle had an unfair advantage because Dave looked funny when he came out.

00:47:37.000 What about Joey Diaz?

00:47:39.000 I don't mean that as a knock.

00:47:40.000 I mean like when you see him on stage before he opened his mouth, you're like, oh, this guy looks funny.

00:47:45.000 This is going to be fun, you know?

00:47:47.000 Joey's like that.

00:47:48.000 When Joey starts talking, you're like, this guy's hilarious.

00:47:52.000 Because you think Joey's one of those guys, like Rocky Laporte's another one, where you think they're playing a character.

00:48:00.000 And then you find out, no, this is really him.

00:48:02.000 He's really that guy.

00:48:04.000 So it makes it even funnier.

00:48:06.000 Joey's a human cartoon.

00:48:07.000 I mean, he just walks out on stage.

00:48:08.000 As soon as he walks on stage, people start laughing.

00:48:12.000 They just start smiling. 1.00

00:48:13.000 What the fuck has this guy been doing for the past 50 years? 0.99

00:48:17.000 I love Joey, man. 0.99

00:48:19.000 He's my favorite of all time.

00:48:20.000 I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived.

00:48:21.000 I really do.

00:48:22.000 I don't think there's anybody any funnier because I think If you look at comedy, you look at stand-up comedy, I really think that we're right now, we're in the golden age.

00:48:30.000 I don't think there's ever been more funny comics.

00:48:32.000 I think because of the internet, guys like Joey that probably would have never made it on television and they wouldn't have gotten a shot on a Tonight Show back in the day, now you get to find out how funny they really are from podcasts and you get to go see them do stand-up.

00:48:48.000 I think if you look at all the greats, if you go back in time, comedy gets better over the years.

00:48:55.000 The greatest of all time.

00:48:57.000 Only Richard Pryor.

00:48:59.000 He's the one guy that I'll go back and I'll listen to his old stuff and it's still really funny.

00:49:04.000 It's still really funny.

00:49:06.000 But you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce, it's hard to listen to, man.

00:49:10.000 It's not really funny anymore.

00:49:11.000 I think Carlin was always funny.

00:49:14.000 Once he got past that hippie weatherman thing, once he put that down, Carlin became just these...

00:49:21.000 I mean, the observations he made were hilarious.

00:49:25.000 And Cosby, you know, obviously everything with Cosby is now tainted.

00:49:31.000 But Cosby the comic, he was a beast. 0.99

00:49:35.000 You listen to Noah's Ark and some of that old shit, and it's like... 1.00

00:49:39.000 Genius. 0.99

00:49:39.000 That was great. 0.99

00:49:40.000 We had this argument once.

00:49:43.000 Somebody threw it out there.

00:49:44.000 They said, if Cosby started today, would he have made it? 0.99

00:49:47.000 And I was like, fuck yeah, he'd have made it. 0.99

00:49:49.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.99

00:49:49.000 He would have adjusted. 0.99

00:49:51.000 They all would have adjusted to the new level of comedy.

00:49:55.000 The level of comedy is higher.

00:49:56.000 People expect more.

00:49:58.000 I think it's higher now.

00:49:59.000 I just think that as time goes on, things get better.

00:50:04.000 But out of all the guys that I've ever seen, and I saw Kinnison live, I worked with Pryor at the end a bunch of times at the Comedy Store, but he wasn't really Pryor anymore.

00:50:14.000 He was real sick, and he was in a wheelchair at the time.

00:50:17.000 They would literally carry him.

00:50:19.000 Chewy from the Comedy Store.

00:50:21.000 Yeah, I remember Chewy. 1.00

00:50:24.000 What the fuck is her name? 1.00

00:50:27.000 Martinez, what the fuck is her name? 1.00

00:50:30.000 Anyway, they would carry her, they would carry him, they would carry her husband, would carry Richard Pryor through the audience and sit him down, and then they would crank the microphone, and I'm like, real loud, because he could barely talk. 0.99

00:50:45.000 Yeah.

00:50:46.000 And he was on medication and he would drink.

00:50:48.000 And he would drink and he would talk.

00:50:49.000 And it just wasn't that good.

00:50:51.000 And it was sad.

00:50:52.000 But I did get a chance to see him when I was younger.

00:50:56.000 I saw him live in the Sunset Strip.

00:50:58.000 I saw the movies.

00:50:59.000 And I saw Pryor.

00:51:01.000 I saw Carlin live a few times.

00:51:04.000 No one has ever made me laugh like Joey Diaz.

00:51:07.000 Yeah. 0.91

00:51:07.000 When that guy's on, when he's on and when his face is red and he's fucking screaming and going crazy, I just, I don't think there's anybody better. 0.91

00:51:15.000 I think he's the funny, I think, like, overall, he's the funniest guy that's ever loved. 0.55

00:51:19.000 Yeah.

00:51:20.000 I got to work with Carlin, and I met Cosby, never got to work with him, but I never got to meet Pryor.

00:51:28.000 He was the only one.

00:51:30.000 Last summer, I worked with Rickles.

00:51:32.000 Really?

00:51:33.000 Rickles, he's in his late 80s, and it's the same thing.

00:51:36.000 He's offstage, they have him in a wheelchair.

00:51:38.000 He can walk, but they help him get around, and then they bring him out, and he sits at a piano. 0.98

00:51:45.000 And the minute the lights hit, he's fucking Rickles. 0.95

00:51:48.000 One of the highlights of my life, I got it on video, is backstage, Rickles was ripping on me. 1.00

00:51:55.000 Oh, man, Joe, you're fucking crying. 0.96

00:51:58.000 He's like, I don't know what he is, 6'9", 6'10", he could kill somebody, God forbid, and you can catch him this weekend at Sam Quentin. 0.99

00:52:05.000 He'll probably be inside Friday because, you know, Alonzo. 0.72

00:52:08.000 Yeah, took a white man's name, so he's not in jail. 1.00

00:52:10.000 And just shit like that. 0.99

00:52:12.000 It's just rickling lines. 1.00

00:52:14.000 Bam, bam, bam. 0.99

00:52:15.000 And all you can do is sit there and fucking laugh. 0.99

00:52:18.000 Yeah, Jeff Ross told me he worked with him, too. 0.99

00:52:20.000 And he said the same thing.

00:52:21.000 He said once the lights are on and the microphone's on, he comes alive.

00:52:26.000 Yeah, it was great to watch.

00:52:28.000 And it's one of those things.

00:52:29.000 Like, that's a video I'll have forever.

00:52:32.000 Like, yeah, that was the night Rickles ripped on me.

00:52:35.000 Buddy Hackett yelled at me once. 0.99

00:52:37.000 Oh, man, I got a great fucking Buddy Hackett story. 0.99

00:52:40.000 Really? 0.99

00:52:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:52:41.000 I'm doing a benefit, and Robin Williams was presenting Buddy Hackett with this award.

00:52:47.000 So I'm outside.

00:52:49.000 It was, let's see, I was on the show.

00:52:52.000 I want to say Shoemaker was on the show.

00:52:55.000 And anyway, so I'm just outside.

00:52:58.000 This is when I still smoke, so I'm having a cigarette.

00:53:00.000 So Buddy Hackett walks up, right?

00:53:01.000 I've never met him.

00:53:03.000 I don't know anybody.

00:53:04.000 It's right after Don Imus did the nappy-headed hose thing, right? 0.83

00:53:08.000 So he comes up to me.

00:53:09.000 He's like, yeah, I know.

00:53:10.000 I know you're going to let Hackett have it, right?

00:53:13.000 Because you black comics, when it comes to being funny, I mean, the coloreds, you colored guys are just so hilarious. 0.99

00:53:18.000 When you Negroes start, and he just keeps going, he just keeps going, saying the same thing with different words for black, and I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you. 0.97

00:53:33.000 But it was great. 0.99

00:53:34.000 It was great.

00:53:35.000 Those guys were, they had a thing, you know.

00:53:38.000 It's a different time.

00:53:38.000 They had a different time and they had a camaraderie and when they were When they weren't on TV or on screen or whatever, they had no filter.

00:53:49.000 That's why he was doing that.

00:53:50.000 Because, you know, back in the day, that's what you did.

00:53:54.000 That's what you did. 1.00

00:53:55.000 They fucked around with each other. 0.99

00:53:56.000 And those guys didn't even have comedy clubs. 0.99

00:53:58.000 Those guys had to start off on variety shows.

00:54:01.000 Yeah.

00:54:01.000 Where they'd be like a dancer or a band.

00:54:03.000 And they'd be like the emcee.

00:54:04.000 And they'd have to come out and, you know, shuck and jive.

00:54:07.000 And they would emcee strip clubs and jazz clubs.

00:54:10.000 You ever emcee a strip club?

00:54:12.000 No.

00:54:13.000 I did once.

00:54:14.000 I did a Jack and Jill strip club in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

00:54:18.000 Jack and Jill means a guy goes out and a girl goes out.

00:54:21.000 It was atrocious.

00:54:22.000 There was no one in the audience. 0.98

00:54:23.000 And there was maybe like, no bullshit, like six people in the audience spread out, like two here, one over there, three over there. 0.97

00:54:30.000 It was so bad that I couldn't even say I bombed because there was no response. 0.98

00:54:36.000 It didn't feel like a bombing.

00:54:37.000 It felt like they weren't even acknowledging that I was alive.

00:54:41.000 It was the strangest thing ever.

00:54:43.000 And then this guy and this girl who were both equally unattractive.

00:54:46.000 The guy would dance first.

00:54:48.000 I don't remember who danced first, guy or the girl. 0.98

00:54:50.000 But they were both disgusting. 0.88

00:54:51.000 And they both had terrible tattoos. 0.89

00:54:53.000 The guy was covering his tattoos up with like bandanas on his arm.

00:54:56.000 And the girl had like... 1.00

00:54:56.000 The way I described it on her ass, it looked like someone tried to chew it into her ass like that you bit into a pen. 1.00

00:55:05.000 Got the ink on your teeth and tried to chew a snake into her ass. 1.00

00:55:09.000 That's how bad the tattoo looked. 0.99

00:55:11.000 It was one of those moments where I go, wow, I'm never going to forget this place.

00:55:15.000 I did have a moment.

00:55:16.000 I worked with the Chippendales guys once.

00:55:18.000 I guess this is hosting a strip club. 0.88

00:55:19.000 Anybody trying to blow you? 0.89

00:55:20.000 Any of those Chippendales guys? 0.55

00:55:21.000 No, they didn't.

00:55:22.000 I wasn't their type.

00:55:24.000 It was some little casino, you know, one of those side-of-the-road casinos about an hour and a half north of Sacramento, right?

00:55:32.000 So we're in the middle of farm country and, you know, where there's just like, okay, here's a casino for no reason.

00:55:39.000 Had to be 1,500 farmers' wives' chicks in this crowd waiting for the Chippendales guys, right? 1.00

00:55:48.000 So I go out there.

00:55:49.000 So I'm out there for about...

00:55:52.000 Maybe 12 seconds before the first take it off, you know?

00:55:56.000 And it just was one of those...

00:55:57.000 They're just screaming, right?

00:55:59.000 So whatever.

00:56:00.000 So I didn't even do jokes.

00:56:02.000 I just yelled back at them and something, and then I would, like, open a button on my shirt.

00:56:08.000 You know?

00:56:10.000 But the funny thing was, like, it was almost like they weren't in on it. 0.99

00:56:14.000 Like, they were trying to fuck the Chippendales guys. 0.98

00:56:17.000 And, like, you know these guys are, like, there's, like, one of them. 0.99

00:56:21.000 Like, it's a lottery thing to find which one of these is the straight guy, you know?

00:56:25.000 And the other thing was, these guys were kids.

00:56:28.000 They were, like...

00:56:29.000 You know, I guess it's a Chippendales road crew.

00:56:31.000 It's not like the main guys.

00:56:33.000 These guys are like 20, 22, 23. And these women are like in their 50s. 1.00

00:56:38.000 You know, I was like, this is going to end badly. 0.95

00:56:42.000 Ugh, the monsters.

00:56:44.000 Farmer's wife monsters. 0.92

00:56:46.000 Screaming cigarette breath.

00:56:49.000 Dragons.

00:56:52.000 When I was a kid, I had two friends that were male strippers.

00:56:56.000 One of them was an older guy.

00:56:58.000 I used to work out.

00:56:58.000 They both worked out at the gym.

00:56:59.000 I worked out.

00:57:00.000 And one of them was an older guy and one of them a younger guy. 0.96

00:57:03.000 And the older guy was real fucking weird. 0.95

00:57:06.000 Just real weird. 0.98

00:57:07.000 Like, he had a pair of underwear that was an elephant trunk. 0.99

00:57:10.000 And his dick would go where the trunk is. 0.99

00:57:12.000 And then he had, like, little ears. 1.00

00:57:14.000 You know, it was very fucking strange. 0.99

00:57:16.000 He would joke around. 1.00

00:57:18.000 But shit got real one day. 0.99

00:57:19.000 When we're all hanging around, he was talking about, you know, girls and, you know, go to this... 0.99

00:57:24.000 And the guy was, you know, pretty built.

00:57:26.000 And girls, you know, they go to these bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, and you dance for these girls. 1.00

00:57:31.000 And the girls get about to get married, and she winds up sucking my dick. 1.00

00:57:33.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:57:34.000 And we're all sitting around laughing.

00:57:36.000 I go, you ever have to dance for guys? 1.00

00:57:39.000 And you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. 0.99

00:57:43.000 And he looks at me, and I'm looking into his soul. 1.00

00:57:46.000 Man, he goes, yeah, yeah, but I hate it.

00:57:49.000 I'm like, yeah, okay. 1.00

00:57:52.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:57:53.000 It was the weirdest moment. 1.00

00:57:54.000 I'll never forget that moment.

00:57:55.000 Looking in his eyes with him saying, yeah, but I hate it.

00:57:58.000 I hate it.

00:57:59.000 I'm like, you dance for guys?

00:58:01.000 What's that like?

00:58:02.000 And then everybody like, yeah, what's that like?

00:58:05.000 Because finally someone asked, finally someone asked, But the other dude was this younger guy, this young Puerto Rican kid that I used to work out with.

00:58:12.000 And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes. 1.00

00:58:15.000 He wound up dancing for dudes, and I think he told me he let dudes suck his dick, too. 1.00

00:58:19.000 It's just like... 1.00

00:58:20.000 He goes, hey, as long as I'm not doing anything, man, dude wants to give me $1,000 to suck my dick. 1.00

00:58:25.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

00:58:26.000 Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably just money.

00:58:30.000 Yeah, but I don't believe he didn't do anything, either. 1.00

00:58:32.000 You know, $1,000 to suck his dick. 1.00

00:58:34.000 Okay, well, $10,000 if you suck mine. 1.00

00:58:36.000 Well, hey... 0.99

00:58:38.000 As long as you're here.

00:58:39.000 Yeah.

00:58:40.000 It's not going to take long, right? 1.00

00:58:42.000 Listen, when you leave here, they're going to say you suck dick whether you suck dick or not. 1.00

00:58:45.000 So you might as well pick up ten grand. 1.00

00:58:48.000 Yeah, you're already in the neighborhood. 1.00

00:58:49.000 When a guy is sucking your dick, you're already in the neighborhood. 1.00

00:58:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:52.000 You might as well just suck his dick and make the real money. 1.00

00:58:56.000 I was trying to think what comedy is related. 1.00

00:59:00.000 Like if there's a comedy gig that's that bad where you're like, fuck it. 0.98

00:59:05.000 But yeah, we don't have... 1.00

00:59:07.000 There's no one-nighter where there's a possibility of you sucking a guy's dick. 1.00

00:59:14.000 Unless you're a gay dude. 1.00

00:59:16.000 Unless you're a gay dude. 0.99

00:59:17.000 And you're trying to hook it up. 0.99

00:59:18.000 If you're trying.

00:59:18.000 No, I'm talking about where it just happens.

00:59:22.000 Yeah.

00:59:23.000 Yeah.

00:59:23.000 Nor is there a gig for chicks where they wind up, you know, for chick comics.

00:59:29.000 Yeah.

00:59:30.000 I don't know what it's...

00:59:32.000 It's different for women on the road, though, right? 0.99

00:59:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:35.000 They don't go out and get dick. 0.99

00:59:37.000 Nah. 0.98

00:59:37.000 Their whole energy is different. 0.98

00:59:39.000 They get sad. 0.99

00:59:40.000 Their whole energy is avoid dick. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Avoid dick. 1.00

00:59:45.000 I don't want dick. 1.00

00:59:47.000 I don't want you showing me your dick. 1.00

00:59:49.000 They usually bring dogs with them. 1.00

00:59:51.000 They bring a little dog.

00:59:52.000 A lot of them have dogs.

00:59:53.000 A little tiny dog.

00:59:54.000 The weirdest thing I heard, after we did last comic, we were touring this and that, and Tammy Pascatelli said she went to a gig And a guy had a life-size cutout of her that he brought to the gig and he wanted her to sign. 0.90

01:00:10.000 How fucking weird would that moment be? 0.56

01:00:15.000 That's rough. 0.98

01:00:16.000 Is Tammy still living in the middle of nowhere? 1.00

01:00:18.000 She was like in Pennsylvania or something like that?

01:00:20.000 Yeah, she's in Pennsylvania and she's doing good.

01:00:23.000 She's doing her, you know.

01:00:25.000 She's doing great with stand-up, right?

01:00:26.000 Yeah, she's doing great with stand-up.

01:00:28.000 She's always cool.

01:00:28.000 She's part of Jenny McCarthy's tour, and then she's doing her own gigs.

01:00:32.000 Oh, that's right.

01:00:32.000 She does her radio show, too, right?

01:00:34.000 Yeah, she's got a Sirius XM radio show.

01:00:37.000 Tammy's always cool.

01:00:38.000 Yeah, I've loved Tammy.

01:00:39.000 She's always been cool.

01:00:39.000 She's funny, too.

01:00:40.000 We had a good time when we did the show.

01:00:43.000 Who else did you do it with?

01:00:44.000 What season were you on?

01:00:45.000 I was in seasons two and three.

01:00:47.000 Oh, you were on both seasons?

01:00:48.000 Yeah, well, three was the kind of thrown together season where they took comics from season one and put them against the comics from season two.

01:00:56.000 But I did it with Heffron.

01:00:59.000 Gary Gullman, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan, Tammy, Corey Holcomb, Ant.

01:01:06.000 That's a good crew up to Ant.

01:01:08.000 Ant was the reason why I got in a fight with Buddy Hackett.

01:01:10.000 I know.

01:01:11.000 We know that story.

01:01:14.000 And I'm trying to remember, what's his name?

01:01:17.000 Jay London.

01:01:18.000 Oh, Jay.

01:01:19.000 Jay London.

01:01:20.000 Jay London, man.

01:01:21.000 He's a funny dude, man.

01:01:22.000 Yeah, Jay's funny, man.

01:01:23.000 But he's, boy, you talk about a guy who's a mess. 1.00

01:01:25.000 Oh, he's crazy. 0.98

01:01:27.000 Jay London was selling American flags after 9-11. 0.94

01:01:29.000 That's what he was doing for a living.

01:01:31.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 And I worked with him.

01:01:33.000 The first gig I ever did on television in 1992, I want to say two or three, I did Stand Up Spotlight in New York.

01:01:42.000 Mm-hmm.

01:01:43.000 And it was me and Jay Lunden and a couple other people.

01:01:46.000 And Jay and I were friends, you know, from the New York comedy scene.

01:01:49.000 And then he just kind of like faded away.

01:01:51.000 And then he came to L.A. And in 2001, he was like basically like almost homeless.

01:01:57.000 Yeah.

01:01:57.000 Before he did Last Comic.

01:01:59.000 Like he was the only guy who stood in line on Last Comic and made it to the finals of the show.

01:02:05.000 Wow.

01:02:06.000 So he went through the whole line to audition?

01:02:07.000 He went through the whole wait outside.

01:02:10.000 But I'll give you my best Jay London moment.

01:02:13.000 We were in the house and it was a game Hefron had.

01:02:17.000 He called it 10. I don't know if you ever heard of this.

01:02:21.000 It's a group of people and you start telling facts about yourself, starting from the most innocuous thing.

01:02:27.000 That's number 10. Like I might say, you know, my name's Alonzo.

01:02:31.000 I'm from New York City.

01:02:32.000 You know, and you go around.

01:02:33.000 Then number nine, you know, I had my first girlfriend at 18 or whatever.

01:02:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:02:40.000 Like you go.

01:02:41.000 Number six, Jay London.

01:02:44.000 Sometimes I get mad at myself and I rip pubic hairs out with pliers. 0.99

01:02:49.000 And I was like, that's your fucking six? 0.99

01:02:53.000 Because I had to go after him. 0.99

01:02:54.000 I was like, that's number six? 0.99

01:02:56.000 What the fuck do I have? 0.98

01:02:59.000 Like, that's six. 0.99

01:03:00.000 And he was serious.

01:03:01.000 Absolutely.

01:03:02.000 Wow, he gets mad at himself.

01:03:03.000 Like, what is your, what is number, I don't think we got to number two.

01:03:06.000 What does he get mad at himself for?

01:03:08.000 Who knows?

01:03:10.000 Jay's a sweetheart, but definitely a tortured soul.

01:03:13.000 There are a lot of demons going on with him.

01:03:15.000 It was fascinating watching him become famous, because knowing him as long as I knew him, and then for a small window of like a year or so, after Last Comic Standing, he was really well known.

01:03:27.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:03:28.000 People loved him.

01:03:29.000 Yeah, and we were at the store.

01:03:30.000 People would love him.

01:03:32.000 People would come up to him at the store, and they would go, can I get a picture with you?

01:03:35.000 And he'd be like, me?

01:03:37.000 You want a picture with me?

01:03:38.000 He was genuinely confused.

01:03:40.000 Yeah, he never figured it out.

01:03:42.000 He was a guy who needed someone to take care of him.

01:03:45.000 He needed a manager.

01:03:46.000 Yeah, he needed a manager that would handle and take care of him, which he didn't have.

01:03:50.000 Just book him.

01:03:50.000 Just get him booked.

01:03:52.000 I mean, it's just like having him manage his career on his own.

01:03:55.000 Did he ever have a manager?

01:03:56.000 He was with Barry briefly.

01:03:59.000 Exactly.

01:04:00.000 Did he ever have a manager?

01:04:01.000 Exactly.

01:04:01.000 No.

01:04:01.000 Yeah, no, he didn't.

01:04:02.000 We toured with him for a while.

01:04:05.000 Me, him, and Gary Goldman toured for about six months.

01:04:08.000 Really?

01:04:08.000 And me and Goldman would call it Londonitis.

01:04:12.000 Where you just get tired of Jay.

01:04:14.000 Like you love him, but man, I can't do it anymore.

01:04:17.000 But he needed somebody to help him. 0.98

01:04:19.000 It was fucked up because it's one of those cases where if somebody worked with him, he could have sustained it. 0.98

01:04:25.000 He's a guy who could just come in and do 10-minute guest spots forever. 0.99

01:04:30.000 And people would love him.

01:04:31.000 Well, he opened up for Louie recently in L.A. at the Comedy Store when Louie was warming up for his stand-up special that he filmed there.

01:04:40.000 And he was really funny, man.

01:04:41.000 He's got some great one-liners.

01:04:42.000 Yeah, he's got some killer one-liners.

01:04:44.000 My girlfriend had crabs. 1.00

01:04:45.000 I bought her fishnet stockings.

01:04:47.000 Thank you.

01:04:48.000 I'll be over here.

01:04:49.000 And he would move the microphone when a joke didn't go well.

01:04:52.000 He's the only guy I know who could honestly do the same joke twice in one set because he forgot and the crowd would laugh.

01:05:00.000 Because everyone knew.

01:05:01.000 Like, he honestly forgot he's already told that joke.

01:05:04.000 Yeah.

01:05:05.000 Well, they were all non-sequiturs.

01:05:06.000 It was like one after the other that didn't make sense.

01:05:11.000 The Buddy Hackett story, if you didn't hear it, was Buddy Hackett and Monique and I were hosting.

01:05:18.000 We were the judges.

01:05:20.000 First season of Last Comic Standing.

01:05:24.000 And Ant's killing, right?

01:05:26.000 Doing great.

01:05:27.000 But he does like a George Carlin joke.

01:05:30.000 He does a joke from a movie. 1.00

01:05:31.000 He does all this shit. 1.00

01:05:31.000 So I compliment him. 1.00

01:05:33.000 I say, you got great energy.

01:05:35.000 Your delivery's awesome.

01:05:36.000 You know, you really got a lot of charisma.

01:05:40.000 But I've seen those jokes.

01:05:41.000 Like, you did a joke from a movie, the movie Boiler Room.

01:05:44.000 Yeah.

01:05:45.000 Which I guess they stole from Jim David, who's a comic in New York. 0.96

01:05:49.000 The joke was, you know, they should take you gays and put them on an island. 1.00

01:05:53.000 They did. 0.98

01:05:53.000 It's called Manhattan. 0.98

01:05:54.000 Okay. 0.99

01:05:55.000 You know, like, when you say that and you live in L.A., like, come on, bitch, that ain't your joke. 1.00

01:05:59.000 Right. 0.99

01:05:59.000 You know? 0.99

01:06:00.000 Like, that doesn't even make any sense out here.

01:06:03.000 But when I said that, you know, I said, look, a comic is supposed to be, when you're on stage, it's supposed to be your point of view.

01:06:09.000 Like, that's what everybody wants to go see.

01:06:10.000 They want to see, here's the world through your eyes.

01:06:13.000 Bunny Hacker just started screaming at me. 1.00

01:06:15.000 I ain't never heard those jokes before, you fucking asshole. 1.00

01:06:19.000 Just screaming at me. 1.00

01:06:20.000 Because all those old vaudeville dudes would all steal. 0.97

01:06:23.000 All steal, yeah.

01:06:24.000 All of them. 1.00

01:06:24.000 They all would steal each other's shit, and they would go from town to town, and they would do jokes, two Jews walking to a bar, and then they would have a little thing that they would piece together. 1.00

01:06:34.000 Because no one did television back then. 1.00

01:06:36.000 They never did television.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, so nobody knew.

01:06:37.000 Nobody knew anything.

01:06:38.000 You just had a bunch of gags.

01:06:40.000 It was like your toolbox that you'd bring with you, and you'd go and do it.

01:06:43.000 And that's the only...

01:06:44.000 I mean, we all knew that.

01:06:46.000 Everyone knew that as comics.

01:06:47.000 You talked to guys that were alive back then.

01:06:49.000 They would always talk about that.

01:06:51.000 Like the Milton Berle thing was the classic one, right? 1.00

01:06:53.000 Milton Berle stole everybody's shit. 0.99

01:06:55.000 But I just struck a chord, and he was screaming at me. 1.00

01:06:59.000 You fucking asshole! 1.00

01:07:01.000 Just screaming. 1.00

01:07:02.000 He had gloves on.

01:07:03.000 And I remember trying to figure out what I was going to do.

01:07:06.000 Like, am I gonna yell back at Buddy Hall? 0.99

01:07:08.000 He's like fucking, or Buddy Hackett, rather. 0.99

01:07:11.000 He's like 80-something years old. 1.00

01:07:12.000 I mean, he looks like he's on death's door.

01:07:14.000 And he's a legend.

01:07:16.000 You know, he's a comedy legend.

01:07:17.000 And, you know, he's screaming at me, and I know why he's screaming at me.

01:07:20.000 And am I gonna say, listen, you're just pissed off because your entire career you stole.

01:07:25.000 That's what you guys did.

01:07:26.000 You guys all stole.

01:07:28.000 What stand-up was back then is not stand-up now.

01:07:30.000 This is all in my mind.

01:07:32.000 And I'm like, I can't say that.

01:07:33.000 I just can't say it.

01:07:34.000 It's not my place. 0.98

01:07:35.000 I'll be crucified. 0.95

01:07:36.000 So I decided to just eat it. 0.96

01:07:38.000 I'm not going to say a word.

01:07:39.000 So I just sit there while he's screaming at me, and I'm looking at him, and I don't say a word.

01:07:43.000 And I think to myself, like, God, did I do the right thing? 0.98

01:07:46.000 And then fucking Barry came over, who I've never liked. 0.99

01:07:49.000 He doesn't like me. 0.99

01:07:50.000 I don't like him.

01:07:51.000 And he was the producer of the show.

01:07:52.000 It was that weird controversy where all the people that got on the show, even though we didn't vote for them, they wound up getting in because Barry was managing them.

01:07:59.000 It was a disaster.

01:08:00.000 Because he was producing the show and managing people that were on the show. 0.99

01:08:02.000 It was fucking gross. 0.98

01:08:04.000 That was when Drew Carey and Brett Butler walked off the show in the second season for the same reason. 0.99

01:08:09.000 I was there.

01:08:10.000 I'll talk to you about that.

01:08:11.000 We'll do that next.

01:08:12.000 So I decide.

01:08:13.000 I go, I'm not going to say anything.

01:08:16.000 I'm going to say that.

01:08:16.000 And Barry came over to me.

01:08:18.000 You know, you're such a professional.

01:08:21.000 I'm really amazed that you just did that.

01:08:24.000 The way you did that was beautiful.

01:08:25.000 You just handled it perfectly.

01:08:27.000 I'm like, thanks.

01:08:28.000 Great.

01:08:29.000 So I'm thinking to myself, yeah, I'm thinking to myself, Jesus, I definitely did the wrong thing if Barry comes over and tells me that.

01:08:37.000 So I, you know, I just...

01:08:38.000 And then Monique was like, you made those jokes yours, sugar. 1.00

01:08:42.000 Those are your jokes now.

01:08:44.000 You made them yours.

01:08:45.000 I'm like, you made them yours? 1.00

01:08:46.000 It's a fucking George Carlin joke. 1.00

01:08:48.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:08:49.000 He's doing the joke about George Carlin talking about how fighters fight for a person. 0.99

01:08:53.000 They wear a belt. 0.99

01:08:54.000 That's a goddamn George Carlin bit. 0.99

01:08:56.000 And he's doing this, and he's going to do it on television. 0.98

01:08:58.000 I'm like, do you know what's happening here?

01:09:00.000 I don't say a word.

01:09:01.000 I just let it all happen.

01:09:03.000 And two weeks later, Buddy Hackett's dead.

01:09:06.000 Two weeks.

01:09:07.000 So his health was so fragile that him screaming at me at that moment, if I screamed back at him, he could have died on that show.

01:09:17.000 I mean, that's how fragile his health was.

01:09:19.000 I mean, he was dead.

01:09:20.000 I want to say two weeks, I might be wrong, but it was no more than two months.

01:09:24.000 And he was dead. 1.00

01:09:26.000 And so I was thinking, like, if I yelled at him there, fuck you, you old cunt. 1.00

01:09:30.000 That would be the worst thing. 1.00

01:09:32.000 Boom! 0.99

01:09:32.000 His heart explodes. 0.99

01:09:34.000 Yeah, Joe Rogan kills Buddy Haggit.

01:09:37.000 No, literally killed him. 0.77

01:09:38.000 Yeah, literally killed him.

01:09:40.000 And this was all, I want to say this is all pre the Mencia thing, too.

01:09:45.000 It was, right?

01:09:47.000 When was the last comic standing?

01:09:48.000 What year?

01:09:49.000 05. Yes.

01:09:51.000 04, 05. Yeah, so this was pre, because the Mencia thing was like 2007. Well, what happened with Brett and Drew Carey, and I always felt that they set them up You know, kind of set them up for this to happen.

01:10:03.000 So we're doing the semifinals in Vegas, right?

01:10:06.000 There's 20 of us there, and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show.

01:10:13.000 So it came down to, I think it was Dan Natterman and somebody else.

01:10:21.000 It was between the two of them.

01:10:23.000 And Natterman had had a killer set, and I love Natterman.

01:10:25.000 Natterman's really funny.

01:10:28.000 But I think they didn't see everything that led up to that.

01:10:32.000 In other words, we had done our auditions in our various cities.

01:10:36.000 We had done New York. 0.99

01:10:37.000 And they had us do some shit backstage. 0.99

01:10:39.000 Like we had a gambling night. 0.99

01:10:41.000 We had a party.

01:10:43.000 And Dan doesn't really interact.

01:10:45.000 Like it's, you know, a lot of comics.

01:10:47.000 You stay to yourself.

01:10:48.000 Like it's a thing.

01:10:49.000 And I think all of that made a difference in them picking...

01:10:54.000 But they had Brett and Drew under the impression that they were going to pick the ten.

01:10:59.000 Because one of the other comics they picked wasn't going to get on because they did the same set at both auditions and they'd kill you for that.

01:11:06.000 They were like, look, if you don't have two different three-minute sets, you're not ready for the show or whatever.

01:11:12.000 So I felt they set...

01:11:16.000 Brett up, because I remember when Brett got pissed and got up out the chair and walked off, because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision.

01:11:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:11:25.000 They were like celebrity judges, but they weren't going to, you know what I mean?

01:11:29.000 Well, it wasn't, you weren't really judging.

01:11:30.000 They didn't take you into consideration at all.

01:11:32.000 Right.

01:11:32.000 It was the producer's decision, which is why it was so frustrating for people when they found out that Barry was managing people.

01:11:38.000 Yeah, and the one thing I can say when all that went down, I had no connection with anybody.

01:11:44.000 Because Barry managed some, and then Ross, Bob and Ross from The Tonight Show, they had had a management company before they were scouts for The Tonight Show, and I think one or two of the comics had been with their management company.

01:12:01.000 But I was like, nope.

01:12:03.000 Check my history.

01:12:05.000 There's no one pulling for me here.

01:12:07.000 But then I went back a few years later, season five, and I was one of the judges.

01:12:12.000 And so now I'm on the other side of the table.

01:12:15.000 And I got to say, I don't know how it was when you did it.

01:12:18.000 They didn't interfere with us.

01:12:19.000 Like, they didn't tell us who they wanted.

01:12:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:12:21.000 Like, they didn't really...

01:12:23.000 The only thing they would tell us is if somebody did that act before.

01:12:28.000 In other words, they tried out with it in 05 and now they're back in 06 with the same act.

01:12:35.000 And then there were a couple of times, I'll never forget, there was this one...

01:12:40.000 This chick had been like Miss New Jersey or something like that. 1.00

01:12:44.000 Like she was a beauty queen and she was hot as hell. 1.00

01:12:46.000 Not funny at all, but just fucking amazing to look at, right? 0.95

01:12:50.000 So they were like... 0.94

01:12:51.000 Gotta get her in the house. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Gotta pass her. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Yeah, they were like, you gotta pass her. 1.00

01:12:55.000 You gotta bring her back to the night audition. 0.78

01:12:57.000 And we're like...

01:12:58.000 No.

01:12:59.000 No.

01:12:59.000 Like it's not gonna...

01:13:00.000 Yeah.

01:13:01.000 We brought her...

01:13:02.000 We were at Gotham's in New York.

01:13:04.000 Man...

01:13:05.000 It was the most awkward silence, like her act.

01:13:09.000 It was like this monologue and just the crowd was just, like, where it's not even bombing.

01:13:15.000 Yeah, the look on your face right now, I don't know if there's a camera on you, but if people, if you saw the face Joe just made, that was the whole, yeah, a lot of that.

01:13:26.000 That painful feeling.

01:13:27.000 She's beautiful, isn't she?

01:13:29.000 Look at her hair. 0.62

01:13:31.000 Look at her hair. 0.62

01:13:32.000 Is she still the stand-up?

01:13:34.000 I have no idea.

01:13:35.000 Amazing.

01:13:36.000 What if she got good?

01:13:37.000 Like really good?

01:13:38.000 Could have.

01:13:39.000 Maybe.

01:13:39.000 I don't think so.

01:13:40.000 I think she would have been plucked into the actress pool if she was funny at all. 1.00

01:13:46.000 And even remotely decent.

01:13:48.000 Yeah.

01:13:49.000 Yeah, they didn't tell us anything, who they wanted and who they didn't, but it was real obvious when we all, like, we would talk about it, like, before Buddy got mad at me.

01:13:58.000 You know, I'm like, did you guys pick them?

01:14:00.000 How did this guy get through?

01:14:02.000 Like, there was a conversation where we were trying to figure out how someone got through that we didn't pick, that none of us picked.

01:14:07.000 Monique didn't pick him.

01:14:08.000 That was what it was.

01:14:09.000 I don't think I was talking to Buddy.

01:14:10.000 I think Monique didn't pick him and I didn't pick him.

01:14:12.000 I go, you didn't pick him and I didn't pick him, right?

01:14:14.000 I go, how did this guy get through?

01:14:15.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:14:16.000 And then there was, um...

01:14:18.000 There was the Brett Butler thing, and then we had read that the judges were really just sort of for show, and that really it was the producer's decision who to get on and not get on the show.

01:14:28.000 Yeah, ultimately it was, because part of it, like I was talking with K.P. Anderson about it, because K.P. was working on the show.

01:14:40.000 He was writing for Jay.

01:14:41.000 Right.

01:14:42.000 And K.P. said, you know, well, part of it is you've got to have a balance in comics.

01:14:46.000 Right.

01:14:47.000 So you can't have all white guys or all black guys. 0.89

01:14:51.000 They had an idea of how many slots.

01:14:54.000 Because he told me the thing when the season I went on with Corey Holcomb, he said, look, they only thought there'd be one black comic.

01:15:01.000 But you and Corey were both so funny and so completely different.

01:15:07.000 That they were just like, yeah, bring them both on.

01:15:10.000 And then when it came down to, there were six of us and going to be five finalists, right?

01:15:16.000 And me and Corey were both still in the running.

01:15:18.000 And we were like, all right, one of us ain't going to make it.

01:15:21.000 It ain't going to be two brothers in the final five on NBC. That just ain't going to happen.

01:15:26.000 That's hilarious.

01:15:26.000 So whichever one of us makes it.

01:15:28.000 We, you know, we're back the other one.

01:15:30.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:31.000 Because we knew.

01:15:32.000 But how is that?

01:15:33.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:15:34.000 If you guys were the two best, it should be a possibility.

01:15:37.000 Yeah, it should be. 0.98

01:15:39.000 Isn't that fucked up about the show? 0.98

01:15:40.000 But it's not just that show. 0.99

01:15:42.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:43.000 Like, that's how TV works.

01:15:44.000 Like, you know, I've always said that, like, when people talk about discrimination in TV, there's definitely discrimination in TV, but a lot of it, but one of the colors they see is green.

01:15:55.000 You know what I mean? 0.84

01:15:56.000 And some of the shit they do, like when they do stereotypes, like we were talking about it earlier, you know, like Friday night I was on Dr. Ken's show as a bouncer, alright? 0.99

01:16:06.000 I fucking nail bouncer, alright? 0.98

01:16:08.000 I've been a bouncer on more sitcoms and more movies. 0.99

01:16:11.000 Now, you know, could I get mad and say, well, you know, I can play a professor?

01:16:15.000 Yeah, I could, but I'm damn sure I could play bouncer, you know?

01:16:18.000 And it's like, that's how TV works, right? 1.00

01:16:20.000 Like every hot blonde is dumb on TV. And every sitcom dad is a bumbling idiot, you know? 1.00

01:16:27.000 And it's like, that's how they play the game. 1.00

01:16:30.000 So you can get mad at it to an extent.

01:16:33.000 And I understood, like, the Emmy speech that Viola Davis made.

01:16:38.000 Like, I get that.

01:16:39.000 Like, she's like, if we had more opportunities, there would be more black actresses like me.

01:16:43.000 And I never want to insult people who act on that level.

01:16:48.000 By lumping myself in that category.

01:16:51.000 I'm not an actor like that.

01:16:53.000 I love playing the bouncer.

01:16:55.000 It's easy and I get health insurance.

01:16:58.000 But as a comic, you're a professional comic.

01:17:01.000 A legit professional comic.

01:17:02.000 And the idea that you wouldn't have you and Corey Holcomb, who's also a legit professional comic, hilarious dude.

01:17:09.000 You two hilarious guys that it's not possible that you can get into the finals. 0.98

01:17:12.000 That's fucked up. 0.92

01:17:12.000 It was possible, but we kind of knew. 0.92

01:17:15.000 You knew it wasn't possible.

01:17:16.000 We knew.

01:17:18.000 On UPN, we'd have got it.

01:17:21.000 On UPN, I forgot that existed.

01:17:23.000 The WB, remember the WB? On the WB? Shit, it would have been, listen, Mr. Heffron, we're going to see you later.

01:17:30.000 Me and Corey got business to take care of. 0.99

01:17:33.000 Well, at least Heffron's funny.

01:17:34.000 Heffron's hilarious.

01:17:35.000 Yeah.

01:17:37.000 After all the dust settled, we were all cool with it.

01:17:41.000 You know what I mean?

01:17:41.000 It was what it was.

01:17:43.000 And it was a good shot for all of us.

01:17:45.000 But I liked it better then than I do now.

01:17:49.000 I think the show was better when you had all the reality and all that.

01:17:53.000 What do they do now?

01:17:54.000 Now it's just straight stand-up.

01:17:56.000 Really?

01:17:57.000 Yeah, it's like they just get up and do stand-up against each other.

01:18:01.000 And America votes.

01:18:03.000 Oh, the whole America votes. 0.88

01:18:04.000 I don't even know if America votes or I don't even know how they do it now because, you know, when we did it, they didn't have Twitter and shit like that. 0.96

01:18:11.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:18:12.000 I did it when we had MySpace and I had a girlfriend who would get mad at me Because of things chicks would post on MySpace after they saw me on TV. Oh, Alonzo!

01:18:25.000 I got no control over this.

01:18:27.000 She would get mad at you for things other people posted?

01:18:30.000 She was never able to adjust to TV. You know how TV is.

01:18:38.000 Pretty women are like a decoration on TV. You know what I mean? 1.00

01:18:42.000 They're always around.

01:18:43.000 And whenever there's an event, there's hot chicks there that nobody really knows how they got there. 1.00

01:18:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:50.000 Like, I don't know who invited them or what, but they're just here.

01:18:53.000 But that's how it is.

01:18:54.000 It's always like that.

01:18:56.000 And she was never comfortable with that. 1.00

01:18:59.000 And I was like, look, if they're going to fuck anybody, they're going to fuck a producer. 1.00

01:19:02.000 Like, they know. 1.00

01:19:03.000 They know how this game works. 0.98

01:19:05.000 They know they're only going to get so far fucking the winner of last comic stand. 0.98

01:19:09.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:19:10.000 That's not a career move.

01:19:11.000 You might be a step, though.

01:19:12.000 You might be a stepping stone.

01:19:14.000 A stepping stone at best.

01:19:15.000 A nice little rock to get you across the creek.

01:19:17.000 I might be able to get you backstage where you could meet somebody.

01:19:23.000 And she was hot, but she never couldn't get used to it.

01:19:29.000 There's some of those things, some of those events where they bring in girls. 0.99

01:19:33.000 I knew girls that would get hired. 1.00

01:19:35.000 They would literally get hired.

01:19:36.000 They'd get paid like a thousand bucks to go to these events and parties and mingle because they want to just be filled with tents. 0.79

01:19:41.000 Right, that's what I'm saying.

01:19:42.000 It's just filled with hot chicks, but they're not, like I used to always say, they're not real.

01:19:47.000 They're just here.

01:19:48.000 Not meaning they're not real.

01:19:49.000 They're real people.

01:19:50.000 I'm sure they have a life and stuff, but in this atmosphere, they're here to make this room look good.

01:19:56.000 They're also here to find some sort of a producer that might be able to take care of them.

01:20:01.000 There's a lot of that.

01:20:02.000 I used to call them coyotes.

01:20:03.000 God bless them if you, you know, you can make it work.

01:20:07.000 Some chubby Jewish dude and just start working them. 1.00

01:20:09.000 I quote my friend in one of my favorite comics, Matt Kazan.

01:20:13.000 Look, I got my own problems.

01:20:17.000 Me and Matt be on the road, and he'd say that a hundred times.

01:20:20.000 Whenever you read something in the paper, like some guy, you know, tornado blew his trailer away and his dog died, Matt was like, yeah?

01:20:27.000 I got my own problems.

01:20:30.000 Yeah, you can concentrate on other people's problems way too long, and you get lost.

01:20:34.000 You lose yourself.

01:20:35.000 It's just too easy.

01:20:37.000 That's the other thing about social media.

01:20:38.000 It's too easy to get caught up in nonsense that really shouldn't affect you at all.

01:20:42.000 Yeah, and some people do more than...

01:20:46.000 Like, it's unreasonable.

01:20:48.000 Like, okay, we can't save everyone from everything.

01:20:52.000 Like, in a perfect world, we could, but no.

01:20:56.000 The world's not perfect.

01:20:57.000 Yeah.

01:20:57.000 And, you know, and it's the same way with Hollywood and show business.

01:21:01.000 Like, you have to remember this shit ain't real. 0.99

01:21:04.000 You know, it is on some level, but a lot of it is just glamorous, and they treat you good, and they love you, and they... 0.99

01:21:10.000 I think what helped me was the fact that I worked in the real world before I got into this.

01:21:17.000 Yeah.

01:21:17.000 Because I remember my first job, I was a truck driver for the show Power Rangers, for the kids' show.

01:21:24.000 And I'd never worked in TV, and I didn't know anything about it. 0.99

01:21:27.000 And we go, and there's breakfast, and then there's lunch, and I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:21:33.000 What? 0.98

01:21:34.000 And, you know, I'm hearing someone complain, and I want to say, you know, in the real world, you've got to get your own food.

01:21:41.000 They feed you every day.

01:21:44.000 You might want to show a little gratitude here.

01:21:47.000 Well, when you're on the Power Rangers, you wish you were on Friends.

01:21:51.000 This is how it is.

01:21:52.000 Everybody always wants better.

01:21:53.000 No one's ever happy.

01:21:55.000 There's always a bigger, better deal around the corner.

01:21:57.000 Yeah.

01:21:58.000 I had fun with that show.

01:21:59.000 Actually, that's where I learned everything about TV. I learned what the best boy is and what the key grip...

01:22:07.000 You see all those titles and you're like, what the hell is that?

01:22:10.000 And that's where I learned who all those people are.

01:22:13.000 I learned what upstage meant while I was on a television show.

01:22:17.000 They told me, could you move upstage?

01:22:19.000 I go...

01:22:20.000 Which way is that?

01:22:22.000 Which way is upstage?

01:22:23.000 It's all flat.

01:22:24.000 And you know there were a bunch of people like, oh Jesus. 0.99

01:22:27.000 How the fuck did he get here? 1.00

01:22:28.000 Fucking comics. 1.00

01:22:29.000 They were mad. 1.00

01:22:30.000 I worked with some actors that really didn't like the fact that I had never really done any acting before.

01:22:35.000 And then it was easy.

01:22:36.000 It's not that hard.

01:22:37.000 But upstage, the way it used to be in those Victorians, Shakespearean stages, it was a ramp.

01:22:43.000 The stage was not flat.

01:22:45.000 It was elevated in the back.

01:22:47.000 And the idea being that you could see it through the entire crowd.

01:22:51.000 As they moved to the back of the stage, upstage, you could see in the back.

01:22:56.000 Right.

01:22:56.000 They had to make a ramp so everyone could see it.

01:22:58.000 Yeah, because they were flat.

01:22:59.000 Everybody was flat.

01:23:00.000 Then someone figured out, hey, wait a minute.

01:23:01.000 If we put the seats in a ramp, we can make the stage flat.

01:23:06.000 It's one of those great moments in theater that nobody got credit for that.

01:23:10.000 Yeah.

01:23:10.000 The guy who said, hey, man.

01:23:12.000 How about if we put the seats uphill and we keep...

01:23:15.000 Keep the stage flat.

01:23:16.000 Keep the stage flat.

01:23:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:23:18.000 Oh, yeah.

01:23:20.000 So I'm going to tell you my great Joe Rogan story, because I don't know if you remember this story, but I will always remember this story.

01:23:28.000 This was...

01:23:29.000 No, this was a great...

01:23:30.000 This was my second year at Montreal.

01:23:34.000 I had gone once and I had done New Faces, and then, you know...

01:23:40.000 Just doing whatever.

01:23:41.000 It was great for me, and that's when I became a comic full-time, blah, blah, blah.

01:23:46.000 So I come back the next year.

01:23:48.000 And I bumped into you, and I think either you were still on news radio or you had just finished news radio or something like that.

01:23:56.000 What year was it?

01:23:58.000 99?

01:23:59.000 98?

01:23:59.000 Yeah, 98. Probably on it still.

01:24:02.000 I think it ended in 99. And then Kevin James showed up, and I think Kevin's show was about to hit or it just hit or something like that.

01:24:10.000 And you grabbed me, and you're like, come on, we're doing spots. 0.99

01:24:14.000 And I rode around in a cab with you and Kevin James, crashing stages, and now I'm just coming off new faces, so I'm like, what the fuck? 0.98

01:24:22.000 I'm hanging out with Joe Rogan and Kevin James. 0.99

01:24:25.000 I'm a fucking comic now! 0.99

01:24:30.000 I'll always remember that, man. 0.99

01:24:31.000 That was so fucking cool at that time. 0.79

01:24:33.000 Because you knew me from the Laugh Factory, but you know what I mean? 0.88

01:24:37.000 You guys were both on sitcoms, and you're recognized everywhere you walk in.

01:24:42.000 And I'm just like, is that their security? 0.99

01:24:44.000 Nah, it's a fucking comic. 0.99

01:24:46.000 I remember that. 1.00

01:24:47.000 I remember driving around with you.

01:24:49.000 But to me...

01:24:51.000 I mean, I never wanted to be on TV, so being on TV was just something like, whoa, okay, I'll do that.

01:24:56.000 That's a lot of money.

01:24:57.000 Yeah, all right, I'm on TV. But any moment while I was on stand-up, when I was on TV, I was thinking, this is going to end, and I'm going to go right back to being a stand-up.

01:25:06.000 I always thought of myself as a stand-up.

01:25:08.000 Yeah, I love being a stand-up.

01:25:10.000 It's the best.

01:25:11.000 I mean, I would love that.

01:25:13.000 Everyone would love that hit TV thing.

01:25:16.000 That's the lottery payoff, right?

01:25:17.000 When you get one of those and you make a ton of money.

01:25:21.000 But there's nothing like being on stage.

01:25:24.000 And the other thing I've always loved is the respect of the good comics.

01:25:30.000 That's everything.

01:25:31.000 When the good ones, when the pros, the masters, whatever you want to call them.

01:25:36.000 And you know you got it because they just treat you like you're one of them.

01:25:40.000 You know, that was always the thing when they talk to you, they treat you like you're like, okay, yeah, I'm in.

01:25:45.000 Dude, I was in the parking lot of the Comedy Store in like 94 or something like that. 0.99

01:25:51.000 And Damon Wayans, he had seen me on stage and he looked at me and he goes, you a funny motherfucker. 1.00

01:25:57.000 He goes, you a funny motherfucker. 1.00

01:26:00.000 Goddamn, that was funny. 1.00

01:26:01.000 And I remember like my whole body was tingling. 0.88

01:26:04.000 I was like...

01:26:06.000 Damon Wayans said that?

01:26:07.000 To me, that was the most elevating thing that could have ever happened. 0.99

01:26:11.000 I was like, holy shit, I'm legit. 0.98

01:26:13.000 I can't believe this. 0.99

01:26:14.000 And then you become that guy. 0.99

01:26:16.000 Crazy. 0.76

01:26:17.000 In the past five years, I've definitely become the old guy.

01:26:21.000 Like, there's so many young comics.

01:26:23.000 I mean, oh, man, I was watching you and, oh, man, just talking to you.

01:26:27.000 I'm learning.

01:26:27.000 I'm like, I got you.

01:26:29.000 Because I remember, like, George Wallace was my guy.

01:26:32.000 Like, I used to see George at the Laugh Factory and I'd talk to him and this or that. 0.83

01:26:36.000 And he still fucks with me about it.

01:26:37.000 Like, we were in Vegas. 0.99

01:26:38.000 We were having lunch or something.

01:26:39.000 He's like, yeah, there's Alonzo just sitting around waiting for me to die. 0.96

01:26:42.000 I was like, you're damn right, George. 0.85

01:26:44.000 I take over this whole operation.

01:26:46.000 Yeah.

01:26:47.000 Vegas operation.

01:26:48.000 He hated that operation, man.

01:26:50.000 Yeah, toward the end.

01:26:51.000 I talked to him about it at the Comedy Magic Club.

01:26:53.000 He came backstage and I was there and we were hanging out and talking and he said, he goes, it is not easy.

01:26:59.000 He said, it is hard.

01:26:59.000 You know why?

01:27:00.000 They four wall it.

01:27:02.000 He had to pay for everything to promote it.

01:27:04.000 Because he was going up again.

01:27:05.000 He said the reason he stopped doing it, because other clubs, they were giving it away free.

01:27:10.000 So he's four-walling and trying to sell tickets when they're giving away, you know, free tickets to so-and-so's show because they're backed by the casino.

01:27:19.000 And he said that's why he said you just got to where you couldn't, you can't compete with free. 0.87

01:27:25.000 You got to go on the road and you haven't really established yourself on the road in decades because all this time he's been in Vegas doing this one place just trying to pack this one place with people out of town so he's got the billboards he's got the the things on top of the cabs and all that shit and he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas but that shit doesn't mean anything when you go to Philly you know the people that haven't gone to Vegas they're like George who? 0.69

01:27:49.000 George Wallace?

01:27:50.000 Oh yeah, I remember that guy.

01:27:51.000 They're not going to come.

01:27:52.000 They're not going to come.

01:27:53.000 Was he on Comedy Central last year?

01:27:56.000 When was the last time he had a special?

01:27:57.000 That's always been my weakest thing.

01:27:59.000 I've never been great at marketing.

01:28:01.000 It's hard.

01:28:02.000 Marketing's a tough gig, but he had a great run in Vegas, though.

01:28:07.000 He did.

01:28:07.000 For a long time, he had a great run.

01:28:09.000 How many years was he there?

01:28:10.000 I think nine.

01:28:12.000 Yeah, I think nine years.

01:28:13.000 But I talked to another guy who had one of those shows, and he told me, he said, man, you see them taxis?

01:28:19.000 I get a bill for that.

01:28:21.000 Like every month, like the casino gives me a bill.

01:28:24.000 The casino gives you a bill.

01:28:25.000 Yeah, because the casino puts up the money to put your picture on top of 100 taxi cabs, you know.

01:28:32.000 And then at the end of the month, you get a bill for that.

01:28:35.000 Or they take it out of what you made in the box office.

01:28:39.000 Wow.

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:40.000 So, yeah, it's tough.

01:28:42.000 Unless you're a big name, you know, unless you're one of those big Vegas shows going in.

01:28:48.000 But you have to be like Britney Spears or something like that.

01:28:51.000 Like, I never hear about a comic having a big name.

01:28:54.000 Like, I guess Carrot Top.

01:28:56.000 He does well.

01:28:57.000 But he's more of a variety show.

01:28:59.000 I mean, he's a comic for sure, but he's more of a variety show.

01:29:02.000 Because he's got props and...

01:29:04.000 He's been in Vegas long enough.

01:29:06.000 He's built a show there.

01:29:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:10.000 People know him.

01:29:11.000 It's kind of like Siegfried and Roy type thing.

01:29:14.000 Carrot Top is a Vegas show.

01:29:16.000 Yeah.

01:29:17.000 How long has he been in there?

01:29:18.000 Ten?

01:29:18.000 I have no idea.

01:29:19.000 Probably like ten years.

01:29:20.000 He's been in longer than George.

01:29:23.000 There's no one else, though.

01:29:24.000 I mean, what's her name?

01:29:25.000 Well, Rita Rudner was there.

01:29:27.000 Yeah, Rita Rudner.

01:29:27.000 Louis Anderson.

01:29:29.000 Oh yeah, Louie had a show there.

01:29:31.000 I didn't remember his.

01:29:33.000 Who else?

01:29:34.000 Didn't Eddie Griffin do something there for a while?

01:29:36.000 I think Eddie Griffin still has a thing at the Rio.

01:29:39.000 Like, yeah, but it's not all week.

01:29:41.000 It's like...

01:29:43.000 Weeknights at the Rio or something.

01:29:44.000 It's a weird night thing.

01:29:45.000 It's like a Monday or a Tuesday.

01:29:46.000 Monday and Tuesday night or something like that.

01:29:49.000 I've always wondered what that would be like.

01:29:51.000 There was one time we were negotiating to do a...

01:29:53.000 They wanted to do a reality stars thing in Vegas so they'd have... 0.99

01:29:59.000 I was going to host it because I won last comic standing and then they were going to have the winner of the country singing.

01:30:05.000 They couldn't get the big American Idol winners and stuff like that, but it was all the...

01:30:11.000 Second-tier reality shows like the winner of the country music singing show.

01:30:16.000 What is that?

01:30:17.000 There's some show on country music television, like American Idol, but for country singers.

01:30:22.000 Meanwhile, it probably gets 20 million people to watch it.

01:30:24.000 Yeah, and they wanted all of us to do a show, and I had hoped it went, because I wanted to see what it would be like to just be on a Vegas show, to live in Vegas and work in Vegas for six months.

01:30:35.000 You would go crazy.

01:30:37.000 Think so?

01:30:38.000 Yeah.

01:30:38.000 I think you'd go crazy, and I think your world would get very weird.

01:30:42.000 I think your world gets weird if you live there.

01:30:45.000 I think there's something strange about being in a city that is...

01:30:48.000 I love Vegas.

01:30:49.000 I love working there. 0.57

01:30:51.000 I love doing the UFC there, but I love getting the fuck out of there just as much as I love getting there.

01:30:55.000 Yeah, a week is pretty much as much Vegas as you can... 0.77

01:30:58.000 I never even do a week.

01:31:00.000 I do two days.

01:31:01.000 That's all I've ever done.

01:31:02.000 And even two days. 0.99

01:31:03.000 When Sunday rolls around, I take the fucking 6 a.m. 0.99

01:31:06.000 flight out. 0.99

01:31:07.000 And I'm not kidding.

01:31:08.000 I've stayed up all night. 0.99

01:31:10.000 And then I say, well, I'm just going to have a fucking Red Bull and play with my kids on Sunday morning. 0.99

01:31:13.000 I'm going to stay awake. 1.00

01:31:15.000 Fuck this. 1.00

01:31:16.000 I'm getting out of here. 1.00

01:31:17.000 I'm not taking some noon flight or 1 p.m.

01:31:19.000 flight.

01:31:19.000 And the last thing you want to do is try to drive.

01:31:22.000 Yeah, not on the weekend.

01:31:23.000 If you're gonna drive out of Vegas, you better leave at Saturday night at 5 a.m.

01:31:28.000 You better leave.

01:31:29.000 You gotta do it.

01:31:30.000 Because otherwise, it's gonna take forever.

01:31:32.000 I know people, it's take eight, nine hours.

01:31:33.000 When I go, when I do a club...

01:31:36.000 Jamie.

01:31:37.000 I'll hang out.

01:31:38.000 I don't hang out on the strip.

01:31:40.000 Like, I'll go to a gym somewhere off the strip, and I'll go eat somewhere off the strip.

01:31:46.000 And then you're there at night and that's okay.

01:31:48.000 But the idea, and I'm not a gambler, like the idea of just being in that casino doing that for a week.

01:31:57.000 But I've talked to people who work there and they're like, if you work here you don't even hear the bells.

01:32:03.000 Like, they walk to the stage, you know what I mean?

01:32:04.000 They have a thing, they go back, go on stage, go on stage, do your show, leave, go home.

01:32:10.000 You live somewhere else away from the Strip.

01:32:12.000 That makes sense.

01:32:13.000 Well, I know people that live in Henderson.

01:32:15.000 Like, my buddy Max lives in Henderson.

01:32:17.000 Like, you know, nice suburb.

01:32:19.000 He loves it.

01:32:20.000 You know, he's a professional pool player.

01:32:23.000 A lot of pool action in Vegas.

01:32:25.000 And there's a lot of people that live outside of it that really like it, you know.

01:32:29.000 Yeah, like, I don't know if you know, do you know Matt King?

01:32:32.000 Matt King, no.

01:32:33.000 Mac does it.

01:32:34.000 He's a magician.

01:32:35.000 He has like an afternoon show, I think, at Harrah's.

01:32:39.000 But he's been there.

01:32:39.000 Like, he just sold his two millionth ticket.

01:32:42.000 Like, he's been there forever.

01:32:43.000 It's his gig.

01:32:45.000 And he loves it.

01:32:46.000 And, you know, it's like a one-hour show at like four in the afternoon for the whole family.

01:32:50.000 It's like clean.

01:32:51.000 And he loves it.

01:32:53.000 Yeah.

01:32:53.000 And he's been there forever.

01:32:57.000 15 years? 1.00

01:32:58.000 Well, if you had to choose between living in Vegas and living in Toledo, I'll take fucking Vegas every goddamn day of the week. 1.00

01:33:04.000 No offense, Toledo, but you know what the fuck I'm saying. 0.99

01:33:07.000 I think there's something weird, though, about living in a city that is the place that people go to get crazy. 0.99

01:33:13.000 Yeah, well, you have to get away.

01:33:15.000 That's why you can't.

01:33:16.000 I don't know anyone who lives there who goes to the Strip on a regular basis.

01:33:20.000 Yeah.

01:33:21.000 Anyone I know who lives in Vegas, they're like, yeah, I'll go.

01:33:24.000 Occasionally there's a show they'll go to or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit, but otherwise they just don't go to the strip.

01:33:32.000 Have you ever been to that bar on the top of Vegas, the top of the, is it Mandalay Bay?

01:33:38.000 I think it's Mandalay Bay, the bar on the top where it looks out over, it's like the most insane view.

01:33:44.000 Like the 50th floor or something like that, yeah.

01:33:45.000 It's insane.

01:33:46.000 And you get up there and you look out at all that neon and all that craziness and it literally is like an image of the future from a science fiction movie.

01:33:55.000 Like if you were in the 1920s or something like that and people imagine, what do you think it's going to be like in 2015?

01:34:03.000 Well, this is what they would probably imagine.

01:34:05.000 See, the thing I love about Vegas, and I've always said, if somebody came from another country, they're like, I want to see America.

01:34:11.000 I got five days.

01:34:12.000 We're going to Vegas.

01:34:14.000 Because, you know, you get like the buffet at Circus Circus, right?

01:34:18.000 And you see the American hillbilly in his, you know, natural environment, right?

01:34:25.000 And then you go to like the Bellagio and you see the beautiful millionaires and you just...

01:34:32.000 That's the thing I love about Vegas.

01:34:33.000 Like, it is the craziest...

01:34:35.000 If you watch the strip...

01:34:37.000 You will see the craziest collision of cultures, you know? 1.00

01:34:41.000 That's true.

01:34:41.000 Is that a pimp talking to a Kansas City grandma?

01:34:44.000 Yeah!

01:34:45.000 This is Vegas!

01:34:46.000 Yeah, and that's a genuine pimp right there in a green suit.

01:34:50.000 Yeah, he's right there walking the strip.

01:34:53.000 That's what I love about Vegas.

01:34:55.000 It is the best and worst of America.

01:34:58.000 It's like fine dining, you know what I mean?

01:35:00.000 Like just the steakhouse with the greatest cut of meat you've ever had or...

01:35:08.000 You know, $3.99, all you can eat, shrimp.

01:35:11.000 Oh yeah, that's shrimp. 0.93

01:35:12.000 Nathan's hot dogs.

01:35:14.000 Yeah.

01:35:15.000 The Circus Circus is a classic one. 1.00

01:35:17.000 The Riviera used to be classic, but they're tearing that fucker down, man. 0.99

01:35:21.000 Yeah, they're tearing the rip down. 0.98

01:35:22.000 Now it's all the corporate mall casinos, where you can't tell which one you're in.

01:35:28.000 Yeah.

01:35:29.000 Well, they're just trying to rake up money. 0.86

01:35:31.000 Especially, they were hit hard during the downtime of the economy.

01:35:34.000 When 2008, when the economy crashed, I was in Vegas, and I was asking one of the guys who was a cab driver, I said, what do you think?

01:35:42.000 Like, how much is it down here?

01:35:44.000 And he goes, it's about 50%.

01:35:46.000 Yeah.

01:35:46.000 I went, wow, 50%.

01:35:47.000 Yeah, they laid off a ton of people.

01:35:50.000 Like, the hotels were empty, and all those...

01:35:53.000 Yeah, cab drivers and all that other stuff, a lot of them lost their jobs.

01:35:57.000 All the service people, all the people that were, you know, dependent upon folks hopping around town and also giving out tips.

01:36:03.000 Yeah.

01:36:04.000 You know, when people and the money's tight, those tips are the first thing that dry up.

01:36:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Like, you're on your own, bitch. 1.00

01:36:09.000 You know, that whole industry of people relying on people coming there, that's a very tricky, tricky thing. 0.99

01:36:16.000 And then the housing thing dropped.

01:36:18.000 They built all those condos and all of that.

01:36:20.000 You remember Shamitash?

01:36:21.000 No.

01:36:22.000 No.

01:36:22.000 Shay Matash is a comic from a comedy store.

01:36:25.000 She accidentally married two different gay guys. 1.00

01:36:28.000 She's fucking hilarious. 1.00

01:36:29.000 She married two different dudes and it turns out they were gay. 1.00

01:36:32.000 I'm like, are you fucking attracting gay guys? 1.00

01:36:34.000 But she bought a house out there for like a hundred grand. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Yeah.

01:36:37.000 And she said, it's amazing.

01:36:39.000 She has a great house in a nice neighborhood.

01:36:41.000 She goes, I got a yard.

01:36:42.000 I got a great kitchen.

01:36:42.000 I know a few people who did that.

01:36:43.000 Yeah, I got a friend.

01:36:44.000 You can get a real house there.

01:36:45.000 A buddy, Don Barnhart, he did that.

01:36:47.000 He moved there, bought a nice house, you know, him and his wife, and he's been there for years. 0.97

01:36:52.000 And if you live in L.A., the idea of a nice $100,000 house, it's like a fucking unicorn. 0.98

01:36:57.000 Like, what are you talking about? 0.99

01:36:59.000 $100,000, that's it?

01:37:01.000 That's all you have to pay?

01:37:02.000 That's a down payment on a house.

01:37:03.000 But you know, in America, you see that, you know what I mean?

01:37:07.000 Like, I was in Indianapolis, and I don't know if you ever did Bob and Tom.

01:37:11.000 Yeah.

01:37:12.000 And so you know the houses out there.

01:37:14.000 Yeah.

01:37:15.000 And I was like, so how much are you?

01:37:17.000 I was like, eh, it's about $3.50 for it.

01:37:19.000 I'm like, what?

01:37:21.000 Like, my townhouse costs more than that.

01:37:23.000 Like, I could live like a king in Indianapolis.

01:37:25.000 Yeah, you could have a palace in Indianapolis.

01:37:28.000 But I gotta live in Indianapolis.

01:37:29.000 That is the problem.

01:37:30.000 With all due respect to Indianapolis.

01:37:32.000 It's not happening.

01:37:33.000 With all due respect to Alonzo staying in L.A. But you gotta think, like we were talking about with Tammy Pascatelli, as a touring comic, you really...

01:37:41.000 You know, your home becomes just a base, and you travel out of it.

01:37:46.000 If you have somewhere with...

01:37:48.000 I remember Schimmel telling me, because Schimmel moved to Scottsdale.

01:37:51.000 Yeah.

01:37:52.000 And he said, man, I got a beautiful house.

01:37:54.000 He said, I got a great airport.

01:37:55.000 He said, that's all you need.

01:37:56.000 Yeah.

01:37:57.000 He said, if you're a road comic, if you got a good airport...

01:38:00.000 You can live anywhere you want.

01:38:01.000 Yeah, that is all you need.

01:38:02.000 But when you leave L.A. or New York, you give up the weekday spots and you give up the auditions.

01:38:11.000 There is an aspect of the business you give up when you leave New York and L.A. The weekday spots are big.

01:38:17.000 The weekday spots and also being around great comics.

01:38:20.000 You know, Tom Rhodes just moved to L.A. And Tom had been, Tom has been like living like a vagabond.

01:38:29.000 Like he just lives out of a suitcase.

01:38:31.000 Been living hotel to hotel for years.

01:38:32.000 I think for like five years he hasn't had an actual address.

01:38:36.000 And he came to the comedy store.

01:38:39.000 And it was like a Friday night or something like that.

01:38:40.000 And he saw, you know, Burr was on.

01:38:42.000 I was on. 1.00

01:38:43.000 It was just a packed fucking room. 1.00

01:38:47.000 Just madness. 1.00

01:38:48.000 Just one smash after another.

01:38:51.000 Like all these people were there that were really high level.

01:38:54.000 It was just a great night of comedy.

01:38:57.000 Neil Brennan killed.

01:38:59.000 I think Chappelle might have stopped in that night.

01:39:01.000 It was just madness. 0.99

01:39:02.000 And then he said, I gotta fucking, I gotta move here. 0.99

01:39:06.000 He was like, I can't. 0.99

01:39:07.000 He goes, I'm not seeing good comedy.

01:39:09.000 Yeah, it's too easy to rest when you're on the road.

01:39:14.000 And then you come here, even last week, like Tuesday night when we did Dom's show, and it was like me, Joey, and you with Dom Herrera.

01:39:26.000 I don't get that in Indy. 0.79

01:39:27.000 You're not gonna get that.

01:39:29.000 And it elevates your own level because, you know, you realize, like, I gotta ramp my game up, you know?

01:39:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:35.000 And like we were saying before, that joke you did about wiggers, like, Joey and I were, like, howling on the phone laughing about that one joke.

01:39:43.000 We're cracking.

01:39:44.000 Like, that's important for comics.

01:39:46.000 Yeah, you have to get into town.

01:39:49.000 And New York now is going crazy like that.

01:39:52.000 But it pushes you because you're like, man...

01:39:56.000 These guys are good.

01:39:57.000 I gotta stay sharp.

01:39:59.000 And now you have the next generation coming up.

01:40:03.000 I like working some of those alternative rooms and some of those youngster rooms just to be around something different.

01:40:10.000 Not the bullshit side, but the ones who are real comics, but they're coming up and they're just funny, but they're doing it in a different way.

01:40:17.000 I like being around that.

01:40:19.000 Well, there's a group that are coming up now that grew up with the internet.

01:40:23.000 Yeah.

01:40:24.000 This is the first generation of stand-up comedians, these guys that are in their early 20s.

01:40:30.000 You've got to think, 1994, 20 fucking one years ago, that's when the internet came around.

01:40:36.000 Yeah. 0.66

01:40:36.000 They all grew up with the internet. 0.66

01:40:38.000 When they were five and six years old.

01:40:40.000 All technology is normal to them.

01:40:42.000 It's totally normal and a part of life.

01:40:43.000 So we start talking about looking at encyclopedias, like, what?

01:40:47.000 Did you break out the scrolls of the elders?

01:40:50.000 Did you go to the sacred cabin in the woods where they kept the scrolls?

01:40:54.000 And then the other side, when you see older comics who don't change their act, so they'll make like a videotape reference, and you're like, videotape?

01:41:04.000 That's the worst.

01:41:05.000 You know, and you gotta set the clock on your...

01:41:08.000 Set the clock?

01:41:09.000 What?

01:41:10.000 You've heard someone do a joke like that recently?

01:41:13.000 In the past three years, I've heard set the clock on the VCR. There's nothing sadder than a lot of these guys that just don't write anymore.

01:41:22.000 There's something about, like, musicians can pull that off.

01:41:25.000 Like, musicians from the 1960s can do the same songs. 0.96

01:41:28.000 If you went to see, you know, fill in the blank, you know, whatever band, and they were doing some shit from the 1960s, you'd be like, oh, shit, that's a great song. 0.85

01:41:36.000 But if you went to see a comic and they were doing jokes from the 1960s, you'd be like, what kind of sadness am I looking at? 0.96

01:41:43.000 Like I said, I do these jazz cruises.

01:41:45.000 And I love it, because I get to work with some of the greatest jazz musicians in the world.

01:41:49.000 And they're brilliant.

01:41:50.000 But I bring that up. 0.97

01:41:52.000 And they love when I fuck with them about it, because I'm like, look, I gotta do a show Monday, and then I do another show Friday. 0.97

01:41:59.000 And I gotta do two different shows. 1.00

01:42:01.000 You are playing some shit Miles Davis wrote in 1947, and they think you're a fucking genius. 0.99

01:42:08.000 You are playing some shit that Dizzy Gillespie played after the war. 1.00

01:42:13.000 That would be World War II, and they think you're brilliant. 1.00

01:42:17.000 But I fuck with them. 1.00

01:42:18.000 They love it, though. 1.00

01:42:19.000 Because it is true.

01:42:20.000 When you're a musician, and if you have a hit song, you have to play that song, you know, no matter how old it is or whatever it is.

01:42:28.000 You have to do that song.

01:42:30.000 And if I do a joke, we heard that one, and I could never be like, alright, it's from Eddie Murphy and Delirious 1983. I'd like to do Gunny Goo Hoo.

01:42:44.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 There's no cover comics.

01:42:46.000 There used to be.

01:42:47.000 Do you remember Elon Gold?

01:42:49.000 Yeah.

01:42:49.000 He used to do impressions of comedians and doing it with their own material.

01:42:54.000 Yeah.

01:42:54.000 But then people started getting mad at him.

01:42:56.000 Because his impressions were dead on.

01:42:58.000 He did amazing impressions.

01:42:59.000 Yeah.

01:42:59.000 But he would do it with their material.

01:43:01.000 But that's funny because you're doing it.

01:43:04.000 Right.

01:43:04.000 You're not doing it as if you came up with it yourself.

01:43:07.000 Right.

01:43:08.000 Right.

01:43:08.000 But he still had to stop doing it.

01:43:11.000 He got in trouble a little bit.

01:43:12.000 People got mad at him.

01:43:13.000 I don't know who got mad at him, but that's what I had heard.

01:43:15.000 So then he started doing impressions of these comics with material that he wrote.

01:43:19.000 I heard some guy did an hour of Patrice and put it on YouTube as if it was his own.

01:43:25.000 Well, he had done a bunch of other stuff that Patrice had done in the past and not acknowledged it, and he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice, but it wasn't.

01:43:36.000 It wasn't.

01:43:37.000 He's just a plagiarist.

01:43:39.000 That's insane. 0.99

01:43:41.000 People are insane. 0.79

01:43:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:42.000 People think they can get away with shit. 1.00

01:43:44.000 There's a lot of nutty people out there that think that they're gonna sneak by. 1.00

01:43:48.000 And you know, some of them do because the audience doesn't know.

01:43:51.000 You know, we know, but the audience doesn't, so...

01:43:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:55.000 So you fool the audience.

01:43:56.000 There's some guys to this day that snuck by.

01:43:59.000 You tell people, that guy, he got famous by being a plagiarist.

01:44:02.000 You're like, what?

01:44:04.000 And you go, yeah, go Google it.

01:44:05.000 And you'll tell them, they'll go Google it.

01:44:07.000 I'm like, what?

01:44:09.000 Yeah, but they don't care.

01:44:10.000 They do.

01:44:11.000 They do.

01:44:12.000 You know how you can always tell?

01:44:13.000 I wonder if the artist cares, like if the comic or whoever, you know what I mean?

01:44:18.000 They care.

01:44:19.000 Look what you said.

01:44:20.000 You know it when you can bullshit the crowd and you can make millions of dollars, but then you're in the room or you're on the show with the real comics.

01:44:33.000 Same thing with singers. 1.00

01:44:35.000 If you're one of these singers where the machine is doing it, but now you're in a situation like, oh shit. 1.00

01:44:42.000 Award show? 1.00

01:44:43.000 Yeah.

01:44:44.000 You call yourself a diva, but Aretha Franklin's in the room. 1.00

01:44:49.000 And you're like, oh shit, this isn't going to go wrong. 0.98

01:44:54.000 They care because, like, what you were saying, like, that the respect of the old guard, like, the respect of respected comedians, like, coming up to you, like, you know, we've all had, like, I tell you that the Damon Wayans one, I'll never forget that, because it's in the parking lot, 0.98

01:45:09.000 and I was like, whoa, he probably doesn't even remember, you know, but just becoming friends with Robert Schimmel, you know, I'm like, I'm really friends with Robert Schimmel, like, he's a real comic, and I'm friends with him, like, I guess I'm a comic now, like, I can be a comedian.

01:45:24.000 Like, it doesn't seem...

01:45:25.000 Like, now, we both...

01:45:27.000 We've been around so long, it's just normal. 0.99

01:45:29.000 But, damn, the beginning is so fucking shaky. 0.99

01:45:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:32.000 And you still... 1.00

01:45:33.000 I think there'll always be some moments with some comics where you're like, wow.

01:45:38.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:45:38.000 That's really cool that I notice.

01:45:40.000 I'm friends with this guy or whatever.

01:45:42.000 Uh-huh.

01:45:43.000 So those guys don't have that. 1.00

01:45:45.000 Those guys know that we know that they're full of shit. 1.00

01:45:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:48.000 That eats away at them.

01:45:49.000 I mean, that always ate away at Mencia.

01:45:51.000 That was one of Mencia's biggest things is that no comics liked him.

01:45:54.000 Right.

01:45:54.000 Those biggest things that you never got anybody's respect.

01:45:57.000 You used to chew away at him.

01:45:59.000 Yeah, it's a tough place.

01:46:01.000 And then the other thing that's funny is when they take an actor and they call him a comic.

01:46:07.000 Yeah.

01:46:07.000 That's what happened with Michael Richards.

01:46:09.000 That's what happened with Richard.

01:46:10.000 It was like, you're not a comic.

01:46:13.000 You know what happened with Michael Richards? 1.00

01:46:14.000 The same shit that got you arrested. 1.00

01:46:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:17.000 Michael Richards came to the Comedy Store before he went to the Laugh Factory, coked out of his mind.

01:46:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:22.000 And he was just all real aggressive and talking crazy shit and just wasn't, just was out of it. 0.99

01:46:27.000 Just out of it. 0.99

01:46:30.000 But I watched him go up at the Comedy Store and my initial thought was like, oh shit, I didn't even know Michael Richards did stand up. 0.99

01:46:37.000 And he would go on stage and the audience went nuts. 0.96

01:46:41.000 But then three minutes in, they were like, When does this guy start telling jokes?

01:46:47.000 What he'd do, I'd watch him, and then he would just do a Seinfeld move, like the head shake, something like that from Seinfeld, and the crowd would love it.

01:46:57.000 For a little bit.

01:46:58.000 Well, you know, that's the thing.

01:47:01.000 That's the beauty of stand-up, no matter who you are, right?

01:47:03.000 Even Seinfeld said that, like, no matter who you are.

01:47:07.000 You gotta be funny.

01:47:08.000 Like, he was like, B and Jerry Seinfeld got me the first five minutes.

01:47:11.000 Yeah.

01:47:12.000 And then they're like, alright, what else you got? 0.99

01:47:15.000 Yeah, I mean, this fucking show's an hour long, dude. 0.99

01:47:17.000 You better come with some thunder. 0.99

01:47:20.000 This Cosby thing, man, we were talking about that, about, like, how this guy... 0.98

01:47:26.000 For the longest time was thought of as like one of the all-time greats and now people look at him and they think well he's a guy that's just he's just a piece of shit yeah like that flip-flop between being like this respected adored idolized all-time great comedians like if you had to pick a Mount Rushmore stand-up comedy there's only four guys on there one of those fucking guys until the last year one of those guys is gonna be Bill Cosby Yeah. 0.98

01:47:54.000 You know, I'm so torn because I love Cosby. 0.95

01:47:56.000 I think Cosby's one of the greatest, if not the greatest of all time.

01:48:00.000 Definitely would be on the Mount Rushmore.

01:48:01.000 So now it's like, okay, still a great comic, but bad guy.

01:48:06.000 Yeah.

01:48:07.000 You know, at best...

01:48:09.000 Flawed human being.

01:48:10.000 But I don't understand.

01:48:12.000 I'll never understand the motive.

01:48:14.000 It had to be, and it's just my opinion, there had to be some weird fetish involved.

01:48:20.000 Because it's not like you can't get laid if you're Bill Cosby.

01:48:24.000 I think he probably...

01:48:25.000 So there had to be some kind of weird turn-on or something.

01:48:31.000 You know, like, I'd be interested...

01:48:33.000 In what a psychologist would say, like, why does someone do this?

01:48:38.000 I think a lot of people used to do it.

01:48:40.000 That's what I think.

01:48:41.000 You think so?

01:48:42.000 I think in the 1960s, dosing people wasn't...

01:48:45.000 You know how we were talking about drunk driving?

01:48:47.000 Yeah.

01:48:48.000 In the early days, drunk driving was no big deal.

01:48:50.000 I think they used to think the same way about dosing people. 0.99

01:48:53.000 Because Bill Cosby used to have a whole bit about Spanish Fly, about giving a girl, slipping a girl a mickey, and she gets all horny and fucked up. 0.98

01:49:02.000 I mean, you're drugging someone against their will. 0.99

01:49:05.000 They don't know it.

01:49:06.000 I think that was a normal thing.

01:49:09.000 It was never a good thing.

01:49:11.000 Ethical, moral, reasonable people never did it.

01:49:15.000 But I think it was way more common than we would like to believe.

01:49:19.000 I think people dosed people.

01:49:22.000 I think it was like, remember that scene in Animal House?

01:49:25.000 Where the girls passed out, the dudes get the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other.

01:49:29.000 You know, like, you leave her alone. 1.00

01:49:31.000 Fuck her brains out, suck her tits. 1.00

01:49:33.000 Like, you couldn't even do that today. 1.00

01:49:35.000 You couldn't have that in the movie today, because that's rape. 1.00

01:49:37.000 But back then, it was like there was at least the possibility that this guy was considering having sex with this passed out woman.

01:49:44.000 And then today, the drug thing, like the Cosby thing, drugging someone, is thought of as a heinous crime. 0.99

01:49:51.000 Like, you drug people and you raped them, it's a heinous crime.

01:49:54.000 Well, and it was then. 0.98

01:49:56.000 But yeah, maybe society looked on it differently.

01:49:59.000 Or maybe it was something amongst the boys that you did.

01:50:02.000 I don't really know.

01:50:03.000 He's always hanging out at the Playboy Mansion.

01:50:06.000 It's horrible for everyone involved.

01:50:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:50:10.000 It's horrible for the women involved. 1.00

01:50:12.000 It's horrible for what's happened to his lifelong reputation.

01:50:17.000 It's all gone now.

01:50:19.000 And it's almost...

01:50:21.000 It was like with Michael Jackson.

01:50:23.000 There's a generation that only thought of him as a freak.

01:50:28.000 And it's like, you guys really don't understand who he was musically through the 70s and 80s.

01:50:34.000 Yeah.

01:50:34.000 Because in the 90s, he just became a freak show.

01:50:37.000 When I was a kid, there was a radio station in LA, or in Boston, rather.

01:50:44.000 It was called The Rock of Boston.

01:50:46.000 I think it was called WCOZ. I think that's what it was.

01:50:50.000 And they played Michael Jackson.

01:50:53.000 When Michael Jackson came out, I remember the DJ saying, look, I know what you're saying, that this is dance music, but listen, this is just a great song.

01:51:03.000 And the guy played, I think it was, I'm trying to remember what song it was.

01:51:08.000 Might have been Beat It. 0.99

01:51:09.000 I don't know what it was, but it was like that, like, Thriller, when Thriller came out, everybody just stepped back and just went, what the fuck? 0.95

01:51:17.000 This is just genius on a level that no one had been able to reach before.

01:51:22.000 Yeah, I did this award thing, and they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, you know, and he produced Thriller.

01:51:29.000 And I was joking with him about it.

01:51:31.000 I said, you know, Quincy Jones, the brothers didn't know who Eddie Van Halen was.

01:51:35.000 What is Eddie Van Halen doing on a Michael Jackson record?

01:51:38.000 Only Quincy would think, yeah, let's get the baddest rock guitarist and have him do a solo with Michael Jackson.

01:51:44.000 The brothers was like, who?

01:51:46.000 He played guitar, you know?

01:51:48.000 But that was, yeah.

01:51:50.000 But people don't know.

01:51:51.000 And the videos.

01:51:53.000 Because that was when video just started. 0.99

01:51:56.000 And he had dance shit. 0.99

01:51:57.000 When he did that thing in Smooth Criminal where he leaned forward, you're like... 1.00

01:52:02.000 That's not humanly possible.

01:52:04.000 Yeah.

01:52:05.000 You know?

01:52:05.000 No, he was like no one before him.

01:52:09.000 There was no one that you could compare him to.

01:52:11.000 Right.

01:52:12.000 Like, you could say, you look at Elvis and you go, yeah, Elvis was a really good singer and a good performer, but Elvis kind of borrowed a little bit from the old rhythm and blues guys, and he borrowed a little bit from the way Chuck Berry used to dance, and there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

01:52:28.000 When Michael Jackson came along, you gotta go, okay...

01:52:30.000 Yeah.

01:52:31.000 Compare that to anything.

01:52:33.000 And the other thing about Michael Jackson, and I always said that this is the part people don't talk about.

01:52:38.000 Like, he was world famous at 10. Like, when you talk about he's fucked up, can you imagine everyone in the world knowing who you were when you're like 10 years old?

01:52:48.000 Like, you know, by the time you're 15, adult women pass out. 1.00

01:52:53.000 Like, can you imagine walking into a room and having people pass out?

01:52:56.000 Just because you walked in a room, they're overcome...

01:52:59.000 And they literally faint.

01:53:01.000 Like, how does that affect you, you know, as a person?

01:53:05.000 Well, I think we all have that weird effect when we meet someone who we can't believe we're really meeting them.

01:53:11.000 We're just, like, taking it back.

01:53:12.000 Like, whoa, we've all been starstruck before.

01:53:15.000 We've all had that weird effect.

01:53:17.000 Even if it's at a low level, like, you know, you're at a comedy club and Chris Rock shows up. 0.99

01:53:21.000 Like, whoa, shit, Chris Rock. 0.99

01:53:23.000 I mean, you could be a professional comic and Louis C.K.'s there. 1.00

01:53:26.000 You're like, oh, shit, Louis C.K.'s here. 1.00

01:53:28.000 Yeah.

01:53:28.000 When that guy would walk into a room, it was that times a million.

01:53:33.000 Right.

01:53:33.000 There was nothing like it.

01:53:35.000 And no way to prepare for it.

01:53:36.000 And he never had a normal life.

01:53:38.000 Like, you were talking about your career as an airplane mechanic.

01:53:40.000 And, like, you knew regular people.

01:53:44.000 You had regular jobs.

01:53:45.000 You'd been to jail.

01:53:46.000 You know, the whole deal.

01:53:48.000 You ran the whole gamut as a grown adult human being.

01:53:51.000 This kid... 1.00

01:53:52.000 Remember when he was in the Jackson 5 and his fucking brothers, his brothers who were all grown ass men, had to sit back and watch their little brother just run shit. 1.00

01:54:02.000 Because their dad gave birth to this one just super genius. 1.00

01:54:07.000 Like they had all these kids and everybody was really talented.

01:54:10.000 Latoya and Janet and Jermaine, everybody was talented. 0.99

01:54:13.000 But then there was this little motherfucker, the last one out of the box. 0.99

01:54:17.000 That just had magic. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Right.

01:54:20.000 He had magic.

01:54:21.000 And then you're getting back to Cosby, what you were talking about.

01:54:23.000 The other thing is, like, how many hundred million dollars did he give to the United Negro College Fund?

01:54:29.000 Like, there were kids like, yeah, Bill Cosby paid for my college education.

01:54:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:33.000 So it's just such a weird...

01:54:37.000 Well, that's often like human beings that are flawed.

01:54:40.000 They're not flawed in every way.

01:54:42.000 Right.

01:54:42.000 They're not all bad.

01:54:44.000 There's a lot of people that do terrible things, but they're actually really good with other things.

01:54:48.000 Yeah.

01:54:49.000 And it's, you know.

01:54:51.000 Yeah.

01:54:51.000 It's crazy.

01:54:52.000 It's crazy.

01:54:53.000 My friend Eddie has an interesting theory about Bill Cosby.

01:54:57.000 He said, you know what, at the end of the day, Bill Cosby, even though he was super famous, he probably got turned down.

01:55:04.000 He probably got turned down occasionally.

01:55:05.000 It probably drove him crazy and didn't like it. 0.99

01:55:08.000 And so, one of the stories that I was reading, where the girl was talking about her experiences with Bill Cosby, that it started out in this mentor-friendship sort of relationship, and then eventually he drugged her and then fucked her while she was passed out. 0.99

01:55:22.000 And then, you know, she just felt violated and horrible. 0.97

01:55:25.000 But it was this mentor thing that he would angle in first. 1.00

01:55:30.000 And then when he couldn't get the pussy that way, he was like, oh, okay. 1.00

01:55:33.000 Have a cappuccino. 1.00

01:55:35.000 You want a cappuccino?

01:55:36.000 Here you go.

01:55:36.000 Boom.

01:55:37.000 And the next thing you know, she's passed out.

01:55:38.000 Like, he got tired of working for it and decided to just go back to his bag of tricks.

01:55:42.000 Might have been.

01:55:43.000 Again, I have no idea because I can't imagine.

01:55:49.000 It's also, you know, because it's something I can't imagine doing, so I don't know what the motivation would be.

01:55:54.000 You know what I mean?

01:55:56.000 It's so evil.

01:55:57.000 Yeah.

01:55:58.000 Yeah.

01:55:59.000 You know, this woman was on television talking about it.

01:56:02.000 And I think she was a lawyer. 0.90

01:56:05.000 And she was saying, you know, they were talking about the legal ramifications.

01:56:08.000 And apparently one of these women, her accusation is inside of the statute of limitations. 0.98

01:56:15.000 Yeah, but they're not going to bring him to trial.

01:56:17.000 You don't think so?

01:56:18.000 No.

01:56:19.000 What do you think is going to happen?

01:56:20.000 It's going to cost him a lot of money.

01:56:22.000 He's going to pay, you know, whether it be some like...

01:56:26.000 I think it's Gloria Allred has the class action lawsuit. 0.99

01:56:30.000 So whether it's like, okay, we give her a ton of money and she divides it up amongst the women. 1.00

01:56:35.000 And she goes on a fucking crazy trip and buys a Rolls Royce and fingers herself with a gold dildo. 1.00

01:56:41.000 Or they come up with something else. 1.00

01:56:43.000 Like, you know what I thought was...

01:56:45.000 Like, weird and it was funny but in a horrible way with Jared.

01:56:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:52.000 Where Jared paid like $1.4 million so that 14 victims get $100,000 each and it was like, okay, so 14 kids who he solicited, he offered money for sex.

01:57:06.000 The solution is to pay them each $100,000 out of the settlement. 1.00

01:57:12.000 That shit just... 0.99

01:57:13.000 It's a horrible thing to laugh at, but it's like, isn't there something wrong with that? 1.00

01:57:18.000 But that's how it's going to go down. 1.00

01:57:20.000 Well, there's another parallel that Jared and Bill Cosby are like in that Bill Cosby is undoubtedly a piece of shit. 1.00

01:57:28.000 At this point in time, anybody that thinks he's not guilty, you've got to be crazy, right? 1.00

01:57:32.000 So he's a piece of shit. 1.00

01:57:33.000 But he's also one of the greatest comics of all time. 1.00

01:57:36.000 You can't take that away from him.

01:57:37.000 And Jared from Subway...

01:57:40.000 He still lost 100 pounds.

01:57:41.000 No matter what you say, that's hard.

01:57:42.000 It's hard to lose 100 pounds. 0.99

01:57:44.000 He might have fucked a few kids, but that guy lost 100 pounds. 1.00

01:57:47.000 And he did it eating shitty sandwiches. 1.00

01:57:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:57:50.000 So it's even more impressive. 0.99

01:57:54.000 If you're eating Subway sandwiches and still losing 100 pounds, you're fucking putting in some work. 0.98

01:57:58.000 It's running uphill. 0.99

01:57:59.000 Jared gets to say, well, I got one thing in common, Cosby.

01:58:03.000 Not really.

01:58:04.000 That's not.

01:58:05.000 No, nothing in common. 1.00

01:58:07.000 What a fucking freak. 1.00

01:58:08.000 What a fucking freaky creep. 1.00

01:58:12.000 And again, nobody knew it when his best friend was like a pedophile. 1.00

01:58:17.000 How did his best friend come out as a pedophile?

01:58:19.000 Is that recent?

01:58:20.000 Is that a recent discovery?

01:58:21.000 That's how they found him was through his best friend.

01:58:24.000 I don't know when they knew it about his best friend, but his best friend ran his charity organization.

01:58:31.000 And I don't know if his friend was a registered sex offender or when it came up, but that's what led to Jared.

01:58:38.000 First the friend, and then...

01:58:40.000 Really?

01:58:41.000 Yeah.

01:58:42.000 I did not know that.

01:58:43.000 Yeah, now that you're saying that, I remember briefly.

01:58:47.000 By the time it was on my radar, he was already arrested.

01:58:51.000 Yeah.

01:58:51.000 He was already going to jail.

01:58:53.000 No, I first heard about it when his friend got arrested.

01:58:56.000 And they were like, this guy runs Jared's charity organization and...

01:59:02.000 I don't know if he had anything to do with kids, like if it was Little League or whatever, but there was something wrong with this guy being involved in charity and helping children.

01:59:13.000 There's no worse, because they're both awful, but somehow it is worse. 1.00

01:59:19.000 Somehow fucking kids is worse than drugging people and having sex with them. 1.00

01:59:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:24.000 I mean, when you do it with kids...

01:59:25.000 It's all worse.

01:59:26.000 It's all sick, but I think the thing about kids is kids aren't sexual.

01:59:31.000 Yeah. 0.68

01:59:32.000 You know, women, like, if you have a sexual attraction to women, that is normal. 0.99

01:59:38.000 I mean, drugging them and raping them isn't, but they are women. 1.00

01:59:41.000 But with kids, there's nothing sexual about a kid. 0.98

01:59:45.000 Well, how old were they? 0.99

01:59:47.000 Didn't you have sex with some 15-year-olds? 0.98

01:59:49.000 They were probably pretty sexual. 0.88

01:59:51.000 They might have been, but I think some, I don't know, well, they only, part of his plea was only one count.

01:59:58.000 So he's only, like, in other words, they're only charging him with one, even though there were others involved.

02:00:06.000 But even so, you know something, you know what's funny about that?

02:00:09.000 Like, you talk about a 15-year-old, and like, we were talking about this the other night, you know, like when the 50-year-old guy, A 15, 16-year-old girl could be hot, but she's still 15 or 16 if you're an adult man.

02:00:26.000 If you're over 20, 21, you're still like...

02:00:29.000 Yeah, if you're 18 and a girl's 16, that makes sense. 0.84

02:00:33.000 Yeah.

02:00:33.000 If you're 48...

02:00:34.000 Yeah, she's a kid.

02:00:36.000 That's a baby.

02:00:36.000 She's a kid, and she may have developed, she may have the body...

02:00:40.000 She may, you know, walk around half naked. 1.00

02:00:42.000 Don't be alone with her.

02:00:44.000 Get out of the room.

02:00:45.000 You can't, yeah.

02:00:46.000 You gotta get out of the room.

02:00:47.000 It's still a kid.

02:00:48.000 It just doesn't, you know...

02:00:51.000 It's not the same thing.

02:00:51.000 The problem with someone who's developed though, the instincts are horrible.

02:00:55.000 Instincts are horrible. 1.00

02:00:56.000 If you got a girl like that girl I was talking about in Houston that Ian and I met that had this tiny waist, this big juicy ass. 1.00

02:01:02.000 She was a grown woman, but she was probably built like that when she was 14. I had a buddy, he's a principal now, but he taught high school when he was like 23, 24. So he's the guy that the 16 and 17-year-old girls, 0.95

02:01:18.000 they want him.

02:01:20.000 And it was like, man, I don't know how you do it.

02:01:24.000 I don't know how you do it because these girls are coming at you hard. 1.00

02:01:28.000 And their bodies are perfect and they're wearing nothing.

02:01:32.000 You know what I mean?

02:01:33.000 Because they're 16, right?

02:01:34.000 So they're wearing...

02:01:37.000 And they're just starting to be aware of it.

02:01:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:01:40.000 And he's a man.

02:01:41.000 Like, he's not the 17-year-old boy.

02:01:43.000 Like, he's a man, but he's not an old man.

02:01:46.000 Right.

02:01:47.000 Like, he's not old, creepy guy. 0.99

02:01:49.000 And they're only a few months away from legally fucking him. 0.99

02:01:52.000 Oh, man. 0.99

02:01:53.000 He was a better man than me.

02:01:55.000 I was like, I couldn't...

02:01:56.000 Let me tell you something.

02:01:58.000 In my early 20s, I have to work at a high school?

02:02:01.000 No.

02:02:02.000 When I was in high school, there was this kid that was a, not kid, guy.

02:02:07.000 He would be a kid now if I was talking about him because he was in his 20s.

02:02:09.000 He's a Spanish teacher. 0.99

02:02:10.000 And he fucked one of my friends. 0.99

02:02:12.000 She was 15. She was, at the time, I think, actually I think she was 17. But still, you know, he was fucking her. 0.96

02:02:20.000 She was in high school. 1.00

02:02:21.000 Yeah, it happens. 1.00

02:02:22.000 And he was a Spanish teacher and he was fucking her. 1.00

02:02:24.000 It happens. 0.99

02:02:25.000 This was pre-internet.

02:02:27.000 She couldn't rat him out.

02:02:28.000 Yeah, but it's not pre-dad got a gun.

02:02:32.000 You know? 0.99

02:02:34.000 It's not pre-dad got a gun because that's some shit that they will not convict you. 0.99

02:02:39.000 Well, ages of consent are very strange, man. 0.98

02:02:41.000 And there's all sorts of weird gray areas that come along with ages of consent.

02:02:45.000 Like, here's one of the issues that's happening right now with kids and technology is that young people are taking photographs of themselves naked and passing it out to their friends and then getting busted for child pornography.

02:02:58.000 Right. 1.00

02:02:58.000 Like, there was a girl that, she's 15 years old, and she would send dudes pictures of her pussy. 1.00

02:03:04.000 And, you know, just, and send it to them in text messages. 0.99

02:03:08.000 The cops arrested her and charged her with trafficking child pornography to other children.

02:03:14.000 Yeah, it's one of those that if they want to bring you down, they can use that charge.

02:03:19.000 But they couldn't. 0.99

02:03:20.000 She wound up getting cleared of it because the judge was like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.99

02:03:24.000 How come you're not out there arresting robbers? 1.00

02:03:27.000 Why are you trying to stop a young girl from showing a picture of her pussy? 1.00

02:03:31.000 Yeah, it's one of those things, like I said, they can charge them with it. 0.99

02:03:35.000 They don't always.

02:03:36.000 But there's a time, like, if they want to bring you down, they can...

02:03:40.000 I think it's one of those things they use as a threat against you.

02:03:43.000 But again, it's just... 0.99

02:03:45.000 You know, I do not want any 15-year-old pussy pictures on my phone. 1.00

02:03:50.000 I don't, you know, you hear me joke about it, like, they're young, no, I don't, too much trouble, too much drama, energy, whatever, nope, no thanks. 0.99

02:04:00.000 I got a friend who's a dentist, and he's in his 50s, and he's divorced, and he's talking about dating.

02:04:06.000 We were talking about it, and I go, how old are the girls that you date?

02:04:12.000 He goes, well, here's the thing.

02:04:14.000 He goes, I don't mind a mature lady. 1.00

02:04:16.000 He goes, I don't mind a lady my age. 1.00

02:04:18.000 He goes, I'm not a young guy anymore.

02:04:20.000 He goes, I'm 58 years old.

02:04:22.000 He goes, I'm just looking for some nice company and go to dinner.

02:04:25.000 And he goes, but...

02:04:27.000 He goes, there's two different things going on.

02:04:28.000 He goes, you got the younger ones that are like in their 30s. 1.00

02:04:31.000 They just want to fuck. 1.00

02:04:32.000 He goes, they want to fuck, and then they want to get out of there. 1.00

02:04:35.000 And he goes, then you got the older ones. 0.99

02:04:36.000 They want to settle down, but they want everything to be their way.

02:04:40.000 Because they're all like, they're in their 40s.

02:04:41.000 These are grown women. 1.00

02:04:42.000 They're not malleable.

02:04:44.000 And that was interesting.

02:04:45.000 He was talking about how, he goes, these women are set their ways. 0.99

02:04:48.000 Well, I'm that guy.

02:04:50.000 I'm the old bachelor.

02:04:53.000 How old are you now?

02:04:54.000 I'm 53. Damn, you look good. 0.99

02:04:56.000 Black don't crack. 1.00

02:04:58.000 Black don't crack. 0.99

02:04:59.000 It just ends badly one day.

02:05:02.000 You look great for 53, though, man.

02:05:04.000 You could seriously pose for 35. Easy.

02:05:07.000 The girls, in their 20s, it's just too young. 1.00

02:05:10.000 Like, on occasion, if I get some 20-year-old pussy, it's a gift. 1.00

02:05:15.000 From the gods? 1.00

02:05:16.000 Yeah, God was like, alright, I'm gonna give you this.

02:05:18.000 Don't get attached to it.

02:05:20.000 Just, you know, just enjoy the day.

02:05:24.000 No kids?

02:05:25.000 No, no kids.

02:05:26.000 Wow, how'd you do that?

02:05:27.000 So, started comedy late.

02:05:29.000 Started comedy at 30. So, in my 30s, when most people have kids and start relationships, I was an open-miker.

02:05:36.000 Wow.

02:05:36.000 And I did not want the obligation...

02:05:41.000 It's hard, man.

02:05:42.000 I have a friend who is married, and he has children, and he's just starting out doing comedy, and he doesn't know what to do.

02:05:48.000 And he can't struggle the way we struggled.

02:05:52.000 Right. 0.99

02:05:52.000 He can't go and just do a set for $75, five-hour drive away, and all that shit. 0.99

02:05:57.000 He can't do all that. 0.97

02:05:58.000 So that was that.

02:06:01.000 But...

02:06:02.000 But, you know, dating, like, I started seeing this woman, and she's in her late 40s, and it's fantastic, because she's got a son, but he's, you know, almost like he's in his late teens, so that's not a big hassle.

02:06:14.000 And she's a woman.

02:06:15.000 She's comfortable with who she is, and everything's cool and stuff.

02:06:19.000 But, yeah, and then you get some...

02:06:23.000 The worst ones for me, early to mid-30s, when a date is an interview.

02:06:32.000 So, when you do find the right girl, how long do you think it would be before you got married?

02:06:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:06:39.000 So, why don't you have kids?

02:06:40.000 Are you open to it?

02:06:41.000 Do you think about it?

02:06:42.000 You know, blah, blah, blah.

02:06:44.000 What do you say to that?

02:06:45.000 I tell them, like, look, I didn't have the right one at the right time.

02:06:50.000 I said, now, I'm open to it.

02:06:52.000 It could happen, but I'm not really looking at being an old dad.

02:06:55.000 You know, I joke about it.

02:06:57.000 Like, if I have a kid now...

02:06:58.000 When he's 16, if I say, you can't have the car, and he says, yes I can, there ain't shit I'm gonna be able to do about it. 1.00

02:07:04.000 I'd be like, son of a bitch took my car! 1.00

02:07:08.000 Give me 69! 1.00

02:07:09.000 Son of a bitch took my car! 1.00

02:07:12.000 Look at Stallone at 69. He's fuckin' yolk still. 1.00

02:07:16.000 Yeah, some guys do it. 1.00

02:07:18.000 Stay in the gym, smoke that crack, and fucking hit those weights. 0.98

02:07:21.000 Some guys do it, and some guys have that. 1.00

02:07:23.000 I could have it.

02:07:24.000 You know, like they say, as a man, you could always have a kid, but do you want to?

02:07:31.000 I think now it would be more likely, like, if I met a woman who had a young kid and I took him on as a stepchild or something like that, that would be more likely to happen.

02:07:40.000 How crazy is it that you're 53 and Joey's 52?

02:07:45.000 Yeah.

02:07:46.000 That's living.

02:07:47.000 That's living. 0.99

02:07:48.000 That's fucking hard miles, baby. 0.99

02:07:51.000 But you know something, man? 0.99

02:07:51.000 You know something? 0.99

02:07:52.000 We'll all be gone and Joey will still be here. 0.92

02:07:55.000 Probably like cockroaches. 0.99

02:07:57.000 That's how it happens.

02:07:59.000 Isn't it true with comics that comics either die too young or live forever?

02:08:05.000 Yeah, a lot of them, right?

02:08:06.000 You don't hear about a comic dying at 68 years old.

02:08:10.000 That's true.

02:08:11.000 I think laughter is the best medicine, like that idea.

02:08:14.000 I think there is something real about the fact that you're making people laugh all the time, you're having a good time, a lot of laughter and fun.

02:08:21.000 I mean, we have more laughs on a regular basis than a great percentage of the people.

02:08:27.000 Yeah, because our friends are the funniest people in the world.

02:08:30.000 Like you and I the other night, Tuesday night, hanging out at the Laugh Factory.

02:08:34.000 We were just howling, laughing, just howling.

02:08:39.000 And then you leave there, your whole body's like, ah, you're energized.

02:08:43.000 And you do that all the time.

02:08:45.000 And there's nothing terrible.

02:08:46.000 I mean, our whole work day was like we both did 20-minute sets.

02:08:49.000 Well, this is it.

02:08:50.000 Like, people ask me, what are you doing today?

02:08:52.000 I'm like, well, I'm doing Joe's podcast.

02:08:53.000 Like, this is my job today.

02:08:55.000 But I think the other thing is we don't stop doing it.

02:08:58.000 Yeah.

02:08:59.000 You know, because my business manager, she's like, well, you know, we got this retirement thing set up and this, and I said, really?

02:09:06.000 When have you ever heard of a comic retiring?

02:09:08.000 She's like, what do you mean?

02:09:08.000 I said, we die.

02:09:09.000 That's what we do. 0.99

02:09:10.000 We do this, and then we die.

02:09:11.000 We might work less.

02:09:13.000 Well, you'll find a different niche.

02:09:16.000 Like, it may end up doing the old folks' home circuit in Florida, you know, but I'm still going to be doing my 20-minute spots at 7 o'clock. 0.90

02:09:26.000 Well, look at Carlin.

02:09:27.000 I'm doing 20 after Jell-O. Didn't Carlin die in a hotel room somewhere?

02:09:31.000 Yeah, on the road or whatever.

02:09:33.000 He's died in his hotel room.

02:09:35.000 Well, even, what's his name?

02:09:36.000 George Burns.

02:09:37.000 He died at 100, but he did his last set at his 100th birthday or something.

02:09:42.000 You know what I mean?

02:09:44.000 And I remember when Rodney was coming to the Laugh Factory...

02:09:51.000 In his last days, Rodney was coming to the Laugh Factory in a bathrobe.

02:09:55.000 Yep.

02:09:56.000 Remember that?

02:09:57.000 Dude, yeah.

02:09:57.000 He would just come down the hill from his house in his robe and just go on stage.

02:10:01.000 Well, he performed in front of arenas in a bathrobe.

02:10:03.000 Yeah.

02:10:03.000 I was working when I was 19 years old at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

02:10:07.000 It's like this performing arts center.

02:10:10.000 And I was backstage.

02:10:11.000 I was one of the security guards.

02:10:12.000 And Rodney was backstage, and I watched him walk around with a bathrobe on.

02:10:16.000 Well, that's how Rickles was.

02:10:17.000 But that's because back in the day...

02:10:20.000 You didn't put your pants on because you would mess up the crease.

02:10:24.000 Really?

02:10:24.000 Yeah.

02:10:26.000 There was a Seinfeld episode about that, but it really is true.

02:10:30.000 When Rickles was backstage in Montreal, he was in a rope.

02:10:34.000 I'm going to start performing in a rope.

02:10:35.000 No. 1.00

02:10:36.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:10:38.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:10:40.000 I don't know, Joe.

02:10:41.000 I don't know if you're a robe guy.

02:10:43.000 Slippers, a robe, no underwear.

02:10:46.000 Slippers.

02:10:46.000 Where do you buy slippers?

02:10:48.000 I think you can only get slippers for the month before Christmas.

02:10:52.000 I think that's the only time slippers are for sale.

02:10:57.000 I guess you get them online.

02:10:59.000 That's about it.

02:11:00.000 I've never seen a store that sells slippers.

02:11:03.000 What are you doing?

02:11:03.000 I'm going online.

02:11:04.000 I'm looking for slippers. 0.99

02:11:05.000 You know, Rodney was partying until the fucking very end, too. 0.98

02:11:10.000 That was one of the things that people said about Rodney. 0.99

02:11:11.000 He was doing blow and drinking and having a great time smoking joints.

02:11:16.000 Smoked joints for every show to the bitter end.

02:11:19.000 Why not?

02:11:20.000 Why not?

02:11:21.000 You know, because if you're Rodney, you can.

02:11:25.000 What's somebody going to tell you?

02:11:26.000 Hey, hey, Rodney.

02:11:27.000 Slow down.

02:11:28.000 We don't want you high before this show.

02:11:31.000 Well, Rodney is one of those crazy stories, too, because he took a long time off and was like an aluminum siding salesman.

02:11:38.000 Right, he raised his family or something and then went back to comedy.

02:11:41.000 In his 40s.

02:11:41.000 I think it was like 46 when he went back to comedy.

02:11:45.000 And then hit. 0.99

02:11:46.000 And then did, you know, all those movies and all that crazy shit. 0.99

02:11:50.000 Yeah, there I am with Rickles in his robe backstage. 0.99

02:11:53.000 That's a classic picture, man.

02:11:55.000 Oh my god, that is classic.

02:11:58.000 Look at him with the knee-high socks and his robe.

02:12:02.000 Dude, send that to me.

02:12:02.000 I want to put that on Instagram.

02:12:03.000 Yeah, I will.

02:12:05.000 That's awesome.

02:12:06.000 That's hilarious.

02:12:07.000 But that was, you know, a different generation.

02:12:10.000 Different generation and someone's gonna be saying that about us someday.

02:12:13.000 Yeah.

02:12:14.000 Those guys used to work in t-shirts.

02:12:17.000 What were they thinking?

02:12:17.000 Those guys used to...

02:12:19.000 There was no internet when they started.

02:12:20.000 They had to promote themselves by going to local radio shows.

02:12:23.000 People would be like, ew, they had radio back then?

02:12:26.000 Yeah.

02:12:26.000 Ew.

02:12:28.000 But that works.

02:12:29.000 Sometimes.

02:12:30.000 If it's a good market.

02:12:32.000 Yeah, or if it's the morning guy who's been there for 30 years.

02:12:36.000 Yeah, if it's a good morning guy.

02:12:37.000 And you get on his show.

02:12:39.000 Do they still have those?

02:12:40.000 There's a guy in Rochester, Weez.

02:12:42.000 Oh yeah.

02:12:43.000 Brother Weez.

02:12:43.000 Brother Weez is still around.

02:12:46.000 Still kicking it.

02:12:46.000 Yeah.

02:12:47.000 And it's like in the morning in Rochester, everyone listens to Brother Weez.

02:12:51.000 Like you literally go on there and sell out your show.

02:12:55.000 Wow.

02:12:56.000 There's a few of those guys.

02:12:57.000 Johnny Dare in Kansas City.

02:13:00.000 There's a few of those guys that are still out there.

02:13:02.000 There used to be a good one in Phoenix.

02:13:05.000 I wonder if there's still...

02:13:06.000 There's been a few that still... 0.98

02:13:08.000 But it's fucking hard, man. 0.93

02:13:10.000 Yeah, now it's the syndicated guys that have taken over the whole country. 0.97

02:13:15.000 Yeah, guys like a Bob and Tom that have like a hundred different markets.

02:13:18.000 Or Steve Harvey.

02:13:21.000 Does he do that?

02:13:22.000 Yeah, he's got a big radio show.

02:13:24.000 Tom Joyner.

02:13:25.000 Steve Harvey's one of those dudes, like, he's got so many jobs.

02:13:28.000 He does so many things and he puts out a new book like every year.

02:13:32.000 Does he write those books?

02:13:33.000 I think he probably wrote the first one.

02:13:35.000 I don't know how much he writes.

02:13:37.000 I don't know how much more.

02:13:38.000 But it's not...

02:13:39.000 And the funny thing is it's not like any...

02:13:43.000 Genius advice, you know what I mean?

02:13:45.000 Like, well, if you want to keep a good man, don't be a hoe. 1.00

02:13:50.000 You know, like, wear your dress a little longer, put away your hoe shoes, you know, stuff like that. 0.99

02:13:55.000 It's like, oh yeah, I never thought of that.

02:13:58.000 Oh, so I shouldn't be a hoe. 1.00

02:14:01.000 He's an odd character, that Steve Harvey.

02:14:03.000 Yeah, I met him once.

02:14:06.000 We joked around a little while.

02:14:07.000 He was hosting the Apollo, and I did it.

02:14:11.000 He was cool, but I don't know him.

02:14:14.000 I don't have any relationship with him.

02:14:18.000 I had somebody the other day text me, can I get them tickets to Kevin Hart? 0.99

02:14:24.000 Shit, I couldn't get me tickets to Kevin Hart. 0.97

02:14:27.000 I did BET with Kevin Hart once in 01. I don't think Kevin's gonna stop shit and say, oh fuck, Alonzo's at the door? 1.00

02:14:37.000 Well, they think that we know everybody. 1.00

02:14:38.000 That you know everybody.

02:14:39.000 There's so many people in that business.

02:14:41.000 But even when you know people, there's certain times when it's a little...

02:14:44.000 I think it's a little awkward to hit them up.

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:48.000 You know, like Chappelle was doing a bunch of shows in Montreal.

02:14:51.000 And I know him.

02:14:53.000 I don't know him well, but I know him.

02:14:54.000 But I just bought tickets.

02:14:55.000 I'm not gonna...

02:14:56.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:57.000 Try to get to him, and then, like, then it gets fucking awkward, you know?

02:15:01.000 Because you know a thousand people are hitting him up while you're up there.

02:15:06.000 So it's like, you know, I'd rather just go and have a good time.

02:15:10.000 Yeah, those are the awkward calls or texts you get from people that you barely know and they want something from you.

02:15:14.000 Yeah.

02:15:15.000 You're like, hmm.

02:15:16.000 Yeah.

02:15:17.000 You don't feel weird asking me for this?

02:15:19.000 Right, right.

02:15:20.000 And it doesn't bother them a bit.

02:15:22.000 No, some people are brutal, too.

02:15:23.000 They just keep hitting it.

02:15:24.000 And it's really funny when you ask me for someone else.

02:15:28.000 Yeah.

02:15:29.000 Like, hey, I heard you on Joe Rogan's podcast.

02:15:31.000 I want to go to UFC. Really?

02:15:34.000 I'm sure they sell tickets.

02:15:35.000 Joey Diaz gets that.

02:15:36.000 He gets that all the time.

02:15:37.000 He gets angry at people.

02:15:38.000 I bet, because you guys are tight.

02:15:40.000 He gets angry at people.

02:15:41.000 People want to get on this podcast, and they try to go through Joey.

02:15:45.000 Right.

02:15:46.000 You can't go through Joey. 0.99

02:15:48.000 Joey gets fucking angry. 0.97

02:15:49.000 The thing is, the people you would give it to are the ones who will never ask. 0.99

02:15:53.000 Exactly.

02:15:54.000 The ones you'd be happy to do it for, they're the ones who would never ask you For anything.

02:16:00.000 Well, there's a lot of people that have that distorted misconception that this business is all about finding the right connections, and then those connections, like you have to work those connections, and that's how you get to the business.

02:16:12.000 That's how you get famous.

02:16:12.000 Although some people do that.

02:16:14.000 Yeah, but they're not good.

02:16:15.000 Right.

02:16:16.000 It's not talent.

02:16:18.000 It's salesmanship backstage.

02:16:21.000 It's being everyone's friend.

02:16:22.000 One thing that does happen, for sure, is that you find someone who's really funny, and then you go, well, who's that dude hanging out with?

02:16:28.000 And then you find out, oh, he's got friends.

02:16:30.000 I guarantee you their friends are funny, if they're funny. 0.97

02:16:33.000 If you know Ari Shafir, and you go, well, Ari's funny as shit, who's Ari's friend?

02:16:38.000 Ari has some friends from New York that I don't even know, and then he tells me about him, and I'm like, I want to meet that dude.

02:16:44.000 I want to have that guy.

02:16:46.000 Because they wouldn't be hanging with him if they weren't.

02:16:48.000 Yeah.

02:16:48.000 If he tells you they're funny, they're funny.

02:16:51.000 You know, there's definitely that.

02:16:52.000 There's that sort of connection.

02:16:53.000 That definitely helps.

02:16:54.000 But you've got to be talented.

02:16:55.000 Yeah.

02:16:56.000 Because if you're not, we all have those few friends that we were friends with back from, you know, 15-whatever years ago, and they're not really that good, but you're still kind of friends with them.

02:17:04.000 They're like, hey, man, why don't you take me on the road with you? 0.98

02:17:06.000 Hey, man, how come you never work on your fucking act? 1.00

02:17:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:08.000 Hey, man, how come you're not really a comedian? 0.99

02:17:11.000 You know the people I admire?

02:17:13.000 The people who weren't funny who got funny.

02:17:15.000 Mm-hmm.

02:17:17.000 Because, I mean, I think I was pretty funny from the start, but I know some people who just weren't.

02:17:22.000 Because you kept doing it.

02:17:24.000 Hammering at it.

02:17:25.000 Yeah, when nobody believed in you, when nobody thought you were...

02:17:29.000 And maybe you weren't funny.

02:17:30.000 Maybe you were just bombing, but you knew there was something...

02:17:34.000 There and you kept doing it, like I admire that.

02:17:36.000 I think that's a lot harder than being funny and just going out and being funny.

02:17:41.000 I think you're right.

02:17:42.000 I don't want to name any names, but I know a few guys that are like that.

02:17:45.000 They just incrementally got better.

02:17:47.000 And then, you know, just kept chipping away, kept chipping away.

02:17:50.000 And then once they started developing real confidence, then it started taking off for them.

02:17:54.000 Then they started getting some momentum.

02:17:57.000 It's hard to figure out, man.

02:17:59.000 Yeah.

02:17:59.000 That's why, you know, like you were saying, like meeting comedians, you know, like Kevin James and I taking you for a tour of Montreal.

02:18:07.000 It's like, yeah, I'm in.

02:18:08.000 Yeah.

02:18:09.000 I'm in.

02:18:09.000 Yeah.

02:18:10.000 Because it doesn't seem like you should...

02:18:11.000 In the beginning, it just doesn't seem like it's going to work. 1.00

02:18:14.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:18:14.000 Right. 1.00

02:18:14.000 It's like, it's so... 1.00

02:18:15.000 It's all of it.

02:18:16.000 It's so slippery.

02:18:17.000 And they're so big.

02:18:19.000 Like, I remember when I started out, when I was opening for Tommy Davidson.

02:18:22.000 Like, I spent a summer opening for Tommy.

02:18:25.000 And I was like, man...

02:18:27.000 When they say his name, there's more applause than my best joke.

02:18:31.000 Like, just saying his name, he got a bigger applause, break them.

02:18:35.000 But I always felt, like, it's funny because sometimes you meet people or you have somebody opening for you.

02:18:41.000 I don't know if you get this because you probably bring yours, but you're like, how long have you been doing this?

02:18:46.000 Oh, 12 years?

02:18:48.000 And you're hosting?

02:18:50.000 Do you have any ambition?

02:18:53.000 Even back then, my thing was like, yeah, I want his job.

02:18:57.000 You know what I mean?

02:18:57.000 Any headliner I opened for, I wanted to be them.

02:19:01.000 I never thought, I guess I want to open for you for the next nine years. 1.00

02:19:06.000 No, fuck, I want your job. 0.98

02:19:08.000 But there's a lot of guys that are local guys in Nashville or whatever that just host when comics are in town. 0.99

02:19:14.000 You've got to get out of those cities.

02:19:16.000 Yeah, and some do it for fun, which I get.

02:19:20.000 But if you have real ambition in the business...

02:19:25.000 I tell openers, you know what your job is?

02:19:28.000 Be funnier than the middle.

02:19:30.000 You need to blow that middle off stage. 0.99

02:19:33.000 That's what you have to do.

02:19:35.000 If you want his job, you've got to show you can do it.

02:19:40.000 If you've got to announce drinks, you better come up with a funny way to announce drinks.

02:19:47.000 That's part of your job.

02:19:49.000 Yeah, that's why it's tricky working with people on the road, too. 0.99

02:19:52.000 Do you ever work with guys that try to steal your shit and step on it? 0.99

02:19:56.000 They twist it around a little bit to fuck with your premises? 1.00

02:19:59.000 I've heard guys, not so much that, a little bit of that, but I've heard them doing something from somebody I know who had been there. 0.99

02:20:08.000 Ah.

02:20:09.000 You know what I mean?

02:20:10.000 So they're doing it, and they're like, that sounds familiar.

02:20:14.000 And then you're like, wait a minute, he was here last month.

02:20:17.000 But, you know, when they do that, they're not going to get out of that circle.

02:20:22.000 You know what I mean?

02:20:23.000 Like, say they're a middle act in the South, and they're stealing material from headliners touring the country.

02:20:30.000 You're going to stay a middle act in the South.

02:20:32.000 Because once you leave, people know who did that.

02:20:36.000 They know who wrote that.

02:20:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:20:39.000 It's a different world now.

02:20:40.000 Are you doing a podcast at all?

02:20:42.000 You ever thought about it?

02:20:43.000 Yeah, I do a podcast.

02:20:44.000 It's...

02:20:45.000 And it's very interesting.

02:20:47.000 I love my podcast.

02:20:48.000 It's called Who's Paying Attention?

02:20:49.000 And I do kind of a weekly news wrap-up thing. 0.99

02:20:52.000 But it's just me talking about shit I read in the news. 0.95

02:20:55.000 To see you by yourself like Bill Burr does in Monday morning podcasts? 0.99

02:20:59.000 Some of it is...

02:21:00.000 Some of it is...

02:21:02.000 The more insightful stuff that I can't do in the comedy world, so I'll give my real opinion on it. 0.88

02:21:08.000 Then other stuff is just me joking about some crazy shit in the news or making fun of some stuff in the news.

02:21:13.000 But on occasion I have guests, like I did the LA Podcast Festival and I had guests and people like it, so I guess I need to take it to the next level.

02:21:22.000 What is that like?

02:21:23.000 What is the podcast festival like?

02:21:25.000 I've heard of it.

02:21:26.000 I've never been.

02:21:27.000 It was actually pretty cool.

02:21:29.000 It's just doing a lot of podcasts.

02:21:31.000 Like you would do your podcast in a room with a big audience.

02:21:35.000 Right.

02:21:35.000 That's just it.

02:21:36.000 That's what it is.

02:21:37.000 They have different ballrooms set up, you know, different sizes, I guess, from like 50 seats to maybe a few hundred seats.

02:21:46.000 I don't know what the biggest ones were.

02:21:48.000 But yeah, and you just do your podcast live for an audience there.

02:21:52.000 And they do them one after another.

02:21:55.000 So the audience, I guess they buy a ticket and say they might listen to your podcast and then walk out of yours and go listen to Todd Glass for a while and come listen to me or whatever.

02:22:09.000 You know, it's like a, excuse me.

02:22:12.000 Just that.

02:22:12.000 A weekend of podcasts all in one place.

02:22:15.000 Did you do it this year?

02:22:16.000 Yeah, I did it.

02:22:17.000 It was fun.

02:22:17.000 I was surprised.

02:22:18.000 It was last month.

02:22:21.000 Oh, really?

02:22:21.000 Yeah.

02:22:21.000 I was surprised because they had asked me to do it before.

02:22:24.000 And I don't think a lot about my podcast.

02:22:27.000 Like, I'm always flattered when people listen or when I get to, like, when's the next podcast?

02:22:33.000 Because I do it about every week, but I don't have a set day to do it.

02:22:36.000 And I'm like, you're listening?

02:22:37.000 Yeah.

02:22:39.000 Well, that's the name of it.

02:22:40.000 Is anybody paying attention?

02:22:41.000 I'm very flattered that you were listening on a regular basis.

02:22:44.000 But yeah, I like doing it. 0.99

02:22:45.000 I like it because I get to just give my opinion on shit, you know. 0.97

02:22:49.000 How long you been doing it? 0.98

02:22:52.000 Episode 120, so it's been about two years.

02:22:54.000 Wow.

02:22:56.000 Those things build, man.

02:22:57.000 Now you're going to get a lot more people listening to it.

02:22:59.000 People listening to this.

02:23:00.000 Yeah, this is fantastic.

02:23:02.000 I mean, this is great because you're one of the big ones and you got a huge following and this and that, but it's also because you and me, and we talk about it, we don't get to hang that often.

02:23:10.000 No.

02:23:11.000 We've known each other a long time.

02:23:12.000 We cross paths here and there, but it's just, this was, that's why this was always something I wanted to do and fun, just because I like you.

02:23:20.000 I have a text on my phone, the last text that I had with you was a year ago, before the recent one, where we ran into each other at the Laugh Factory, and the last one, we were planning on doing a podcast, but we just never fucking pulled it off.

02:23:35.000 And that's how it is, because we're both traveling, doing our thing, and this and that.

02:23:40.000 I mean, that's the other thing about being friends with comics.

02:23:42.000 When you reach the headliner level, you don't see each other anymore.

02:23:46.000 Yeah, unless you work together.

02:23:47.000 Yeah, you work together or there's like a festival or a show or something like that.

02:23:51.000 Or the store or the laugh factory or the improv.

02:23:53.000 That's one of the reasons why I take guys on the road with me, too.

02:23:56.000 You know, I never use like a local guy.

02:23:59.000 I always take people on the road with me because I want to work with...

02:24:02.000 First of all, I want to work with really funny guys.

02:24:03.000 And then I also don't want to be alone.

02:24:06.000 I want to work with friends.

02:24:07.000 I take people when I can, but a lot of times they're like, the places don't want to give up a room or they don't.

02:24:14.000 They're like, we got a local guy that we pay 50 bucks a show.

02:24:18.000 So if your guy will come in and do 50 bucks, you know, whatever.

02:24:22.000 I always paid.

02:24:23.000 I paid for the hotel room.

02:24:25.000 I paid extra money for the guys.

02:24:27.000 Well, you make more money than me, Joe.

02:24:29.000 I don't know if you're aware of this.

02:24:32.000 But even when I didn't, I was like, I did it too many times by myself.

02:24:38.000 And it was a crapshoot.

02:24:39.000 Sometimes you'd work on the road and the guys would be fun.

02:24:41.000 You'd work with a great middle act and you'd make a new friend.

02:24:44.000 But that was half the time. 1.00

02:24:47.000 And the other half the time, you'd work with idiots. 1.00

02:24:49.000 And you'd hate yourself. 1.00

02:24:51.000 And then you'd have to plug your ears while they were on stage because they were so terrible, you hated the audience by the time you got up there. 0.78

02:24:57.000 I hate the places that have their local favorite And they put him on your show and either he's like some filthy guy or it's just not funny.

02:25:08.000 You know what I mean?

02:25:08.000 Like he's fooling that one audience at that club every week and he thinks he's great.

02:25:15.000 But you're like, ugh.

02:25:16.000 Yeah, I've experienced that.

02:25:19.000 Or the other thing I hate is when the green room is the hangout for the local comedy.

02:25:25.000 Oh, that's the worst.

02:25:26.000 And I've always thought that's why you have a road manager.

02:25:29.000 Because you have somebody to say, alright... 0.98

02:25:32.000 Everybody out you know that the worst is when they start Bullshit with you like you're about to go on stage Yeah, you're going over your notes and they want to fuck around and hang out Yeah, they're talking to the waitress and complaining they're drinking and you're like what what is this? 0.98

02:25:46.000 Yeah, but you're not even working here I remember, like, this was back when I was opening for Tommy. 0.98

02:25:51.000 We were somewhere and his security guy wouldn't let me in the green room.

02:25:55.000 Really? 0.96

02:25:56.000 And I was like, you know, and I fucked with Tommy about it because I knew Tommy. 0.94

02:26:00.000 And I don't think Tommy knew, but I was like, yeah, I'm kind of... 0.87

02:26:04.000 On the show, friend of his, not just a fan, but the guy wouldn't let me in.

02:26:11.000 That was the Unliving Color days?

02:26:12.000 Hilarious, yeah.

02:26:13.000 He was huge back then.

02:26:14.000 What is he up to these days?

02:26:16.000 He's touring, he's doing his thing, working live.

02:26:19.000 He did a tour...

02:26:22.000 With Tony Rock and some more. 0.98

02:26:24.000 Tony Rock is fucking hilarious. 0.98

02:26:27.000 That dude is funny. 0.98

02:26:28.000 Yeah, Tony's funny.

02:26:29.000 So they were on tour.

02:26:30.000 They did a tour together.

02:26:31.000 But yeah, Tommy's still around.

02:26:33.000 Still in the game.

02:26:34.000 Tony Rock is one of those guys where he might have actually been held back by the fact that his brother's Chris Rock.

02:26:40.000 I don't...

02:26:41.000 You know...

02:26:42.000 I don't know.

02:26:43.000 It's funny, like, I see more similarity in them now than when I first met Tony, but not intentional similarity, just in similarity in the sense that they're brothers.

02:26:53.000 But, um...

02:26:57.000 Because he never talked about it, but you know he's Chris's brother.

02:27:01.000 You know what I mean?

02:27:02.000 So it wasn't the same as like the weigh-ins where you know their family and they work together and they do projects and stuff like that.

02:27:10.000 I don't know if Tony's ever been on the same stage as Chris.

02:27:13.000 Whoa.

02:27:14.000 That's kind of crazy.

02:27:15.000 I don't know.

02:27:15.000 Maybe he has.

02:27:17.000 I'm not saying he hasn't.

02:27:18.000 I don't know.

02:27:20.000 But he never...

02:27:22.000 He never pushed that he's Chris Rock's brother, but you know he's Chris Rock's brother.

02:27:26.000 Yeah, but I'm saying that he's so good that people almost don't take him seriously because he's the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time.

02:27:35.000 He doesn't get the props that he deserves.

02:27:37.000 Right, but he's not riding his brother in any way.

02:27:42.000 It's like the opposite of nepotism.

02:27:44.000 He almost suffers from it in some sort of way.

02:27:47.000 So he's not Jim Belushi.

02:27:48.000 Yeah.

02:27:49.000 Charlie Murphy jokes around about being Eddie Murphy's brother.

02:27:53.000 People are just yelling, Charlie Murphy!

02:27:58.000 They yell at him, and he goes, does that ever get tired?

02:28:00.000 And he goes, no.

02:28:01.000 He goes, as long as they're not saying, there's Eddie Murphy's brother.

02:28:05.000 Because for years, I was just Eddie Murphy's brother.

02:28:08.000 He goes, I'm happy when people yell out Charlie Murphy. 1.00

02:28:10.000 They know my fucking name. 0.99

02:28:13.000 Yeah, I guess, I mean, that's the price you pay when there's fame or talent like that in the family. 1.00

02:28:18.000 And just such immense fame and talent, too.

02:28:22.000 I mean, in those two situations, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, two of the funniest, most famous guys of all time.

02:28:28.000 Right.

02:28:29.000 And you, you know...

02:28:30.000 And they have brothers that do stand-up, too.

02:28:32.000 Yeah.

02:28:32.000 That's a grind.

02:28:33.000 Well, that was...

02:28:34.000 I just watched Chris Farley documentary.

02:28:37.000 Oh.

02:28:38.000 And his brothers on stage doing stand-up.

02:28:41.000 Whoa.

02:28:42.000 And it's like...

02:28:43.000 I mean, he's talking about how funny Chris was and stuff, but it's like, yeah, there was only one of those in the family.

02:28:49.000 You know what I mean?

02:28:50.000 That's probably not going to be another one.

02:28:54.000 No.

02:28:55.000 Well, he was definitely not doing enough coke.

02:28:57.000 Yeah.

02:28:57.000 You got to do more coke if you want to be like Chris.

02:29:00.000 You got to be amped up.

02:29:02.000 But apparently, he was like that all his life.

02:29:06.000 From when he was a little kid.

02:29:08.000 I met him backstage at the set of news radio.

02:29:13.000 He was friends at Andy Dick.

02:29:15.000 And this is, you know, Andy Dick was a hard partier.

02:29:17.000 Hard, hard partier.

02:29:18.000 He's all sober now, but he was a hard partier.

02:29:22.000 Chris Rock, or Chris Rock, Chris Farley was there with two very hot-looking young girls who looked like they'd been up for days. 0.99

02:29:30.000 They were very attractive, but just looked fucked up. 0.99

02:29:32.000 And he was gray. 0.99

02:29:35.000 And when I mean gray, I mean like wet cardboard gray.

02:29:38.000 He looked like he could die at any second now.

02:29:41.000 He was sweaty and gray and pale, and his eyes, there was like deep bags under his eyes.

02:29:47.000 And he was just on some kind of crazy bender.

02:29:50.000 And he was there with these two girls.

02:29:52.000 And I had always heard that he was this wild partier. 0.98

02:29:55.000 It wasn't long after that that he died either, but I remember seeing him there like, whoa, they weren't fucking around. 0.96

02:30:01.000 Like, this guy's really doing it. 0.90

02:30:02.000 But that's what I was talking about.

02:30:04.000 That's when it's not fun.

02:30:06.000 You're beyond, like, it's not a party.

02:30:08.000 It's beyond, and...

02:30:10.000 What kills guys like that is you have the unlimited money to do that.

02:30:15.000 And you basically have permission to do it as long as you can make another movie or another show or another record or whatever.

02:30:23.000 I read Clapton's book, which was actually really good.

02:30:27.000 And in the beginning of the book, he says, you know, with the amount of drugs and alcohol I did in my life, I should have been dead. 0.99

02:30:35.000 And then about two-thirds of the way through the book is when he sobers up and you're like, holy shit, how is he not dead? 0.98

02:30:42.000 Like when you read about how much he did and the quantities and just that you're like, this guy's not human. 0.99

02:30:51.000 Like, yeah, you should have been dead.

02:30:53.000 What was he doing? 0.95

02:30:55.000 Everything.

02:30:56.000 And large amounts of pills and cocaine.

02:31:00.000 And he talks about he did one show for like 23,000 people in a total blackout, didn't know he was there.

02:31:08.000 And, you know, yeah, just tons of pills and alcohol.

02:31:12.000 Jesus.

02:31:12.000 How was the show?

02:31:14.000 Imagine it was pretty good.

02:31:16.000 If you want to hang out, you got to take her out. 1.00

02:31:21.000 Yeah, that was the life, though.

02:31:22.000 That was what those guys were embracing.

02:31:24.000 There wasn't a generation before...

02:31:27.000 I mean, there was the jazz musicians before them.

02:31:29.000 There was some of the older blues guys that fucked around with drugs and did heroin and stuff like that.

02:31:35.000 But for the most part, those hard-partying rock stars from the 60s and 70s, there was no one before them.

02:31:42.000 Yeah, 60s and 70s was like...

02:31:43.000 And there were new drugs.

02:31:45.000 Acid was new.

02:31:46.000 Cocaine was, I guess, relatively new on the consumer level.

02:31:51.000 Was it really?

02:31:52.000 Yeah, I think cocaine had been around, but there weren't a lot of people who did cocaine before the 70s.

02:31:58.000 Well, they would just get it from Coca-Cola. 0.86

02:32:00.000 If you wanted to get fucked up, just get a Coca-Cola. 0.97

02:32:02.000 Yeah, back in the early days, it was in Coca-Cola. 0.99

02:32:05.000 Did you watch that show, Narcos?

02:32:07.000 Did you see it?

02:32:07.000 I keep hearing about it, man.

02:32:09.000 I keep hearing it's amazing.

02:32:10.000 I'm in the middle of it now.

02:32:12.000 It's pretty good, but they said that was one of Pablo's things.

02:32:15.000 Pablo Escobar was like, I'm going to put Coke back into Coca-Cola.

02:32:22.000 Calls Coca-Cola.

02:32:23.000 Well, you know, Coca-Cola still uses cocaine for flavoring.

02:32:26.000 Yeah.

02:32:26.000 They still use coca leaves.

02:32:27.000 They're like one of the biggest producers of medical cocaine.

02:32:31.000 The same company that takes the coca leaves, they extract the cocaine out of it, use whatever flavor that makes...

02:32:37.000 That's why Coca-Cola tastes better than Pepsi.

02:32:40.000 I had medical cocaine.

02:32:42.000 I had liquid cocaine.

02:32:44.000 I cut my retina, like playing ball.

02:32:48.000 Whoa.

02:32:49.000 And it is pain like you would not, you know, it's as painful as it sounds.

02:32:55.000 And apparently that's what the treatment is.

02:32:57.000 Like he gave me this eye drop and the pain went away instantly.

02:33:00.000 I'm like, what was that?

02:33:01.000 He said, cocaine.

02:33:02.000 Like, can I? And he said, no, we don't prescribe it.

02:33:06.000 You got to come in and we put the drop in your eye.

02:33:10.000 You know how you go to the doctor when you're hurt and you want it to stop hurting right away?

02:33:15.000 It did.

02:33:16.000 It was one of those rare times where you go to the doctor like, yep, that stopped the pain instantly.

02:33:22.000 Thank you, doc.

02:33:23.000 But that's what they use it.

02:33:25.000 I'm sure it has other uses, but yeah. 0.92

02:33:27.000 When I had my nose fixed, they put lidocaine in there, which is like the gay cousin of cocaine. 1.00

02:33:32.000 It's like cocaine's less talented brother. 0.84

02:33:38.000 And it tastes horrible. 1.00

02:33:41.000 It tastes fucked, but it numbs everything up. 1.00

02:33:43.000 But all it does is numb everything up. 0.99

02:33:44.000 You don't get sick, but you do get this weird, jittery feeling.

02:33:49.000 Like, I went out that night.

02:33:50.000 I went to dinner, and I tried to eat.

02:33:53.000 I couldn't eat. 0.99

02:33:55.000 It was like my appetite was all fucked up. 1.00

02:33:57.000 And I realized, like, oh, I guess this is like the effects of that lidocaine shit. 0.99

02:34:01.000 Because they've been squirting up my nose and cleaning everything out. 0.99

02:34:05.000 You know, it's weird with drugs what people like.

02:34:08.000 I went through a surgery and they gave me that morphine drip.

02:34:12.000 Ooh, yeah, I got one of those ones.

02:34:14.000 And some people love it and I was like, it would put me to sleep, but I had no desire to feel like that.

02:34:22.000 Whereas if you're a heroin addict, you want to feel like that all the time. 0.98

02:34:27.000 Maybe I could be a heroin addict then, because I fucking loved it, man. 0.98

02:34:30.000 I had my ACL reconstructed. 0.98

02:34:31.000 You'd go more that way, I think, because you're naturally a high-energy, active person, so your high would probably be a slow down, whereas I'm naturally slow, laid back, so my high was more up.

02:34:48.000 I think that's why I took the pot so well.

02:34:50.000 This pot, like, gave me a chance to slow down and look at things.

02:34:54.000 Yeah.

02:34:54.000 Because I always felt like most of my life was always like, go!

02:34:58.000 Just fucking go! 0.99

02:34:59.000 Just go! 1.00

02:35:00.000 And then get away! 1.00

02:35:02.000 Get out of your own way! 0.97

02:35:03.000 Because, like, the momentum of all the shit I had done before was always, like, knocking out my door and I'm like, keep moving! 0.96

02:35:10.000 No time for introspective thinking. 0.94

02:35:13.000 No time for objectivity. 1.00

02:35:14.000 Just fucking run! 0.99

02:35:16.000 And if you get success, good. 0.99

02:35:18.000 That success justifies all this behavior and motion.

02:35:21.000 So keep going!

02:35:22.000 And pot was the first thing that made me go...

02:35:26.000 What am I doing?

02:35:27.000 Why am I doing this?

02:35:28.000 What is the purpose of all this?

02:35:31.000 What is my path?

02:35:32.000 What makes me happy?

02:35:34.000 What do I want to do?

02:35:35.000 What makes me unhappy?

02:35:37.000 How do I stop doing that?

02:35:38.000 It made me think about things in a way.

02:35:41.000 When I had my ACL reconstructed, the first one. 0.99

02:35:44.000 The second one, they didn't do shit. 0.98

02:35:46.000 The second one was so easy. 0.95

02:35:47.000 I had two, and I tell everybody, if you have a chance, then they offer you...

02:35:53.000 There's two different types of...

02:35:55.000 There's three different types they use.

02:35:57.000 They sometimes use hamstring, which is really rough.

02:35:59.000 And a lot of rehab.

02:36:00.000 They cut a chunk of your hamstring.

02:36:03.000 It takes a long time for that to come back.

02:36:04.000 And some people, they don't feel like it ever is 100%.

02:36:07.000 And they put that and they use that as a tendon.

02:36:11.000 But I had the patella tendon graft.

02:36:13.000 They take a piece of bone out of your shin.

02:36:16.000 And a piece of bone out of your kneecap, and then they slice the patella tendon, and it's connected with these two pieces of bone.

02:36:23.000 And the patella tendon is a very thick, wide tendon.

02:36:26.000 They use that as a replacement for your ACL. I had that done on my left knee, and that's the one that did the morphine drip.

02:36:33.000 The right knee, they used a cadaver.

02:36:35.000 They use an Achilles tendon, so it's much thicker than an ACL, and it's like 150% stronger.

02:36:41.000 And they use that.

02:36:42.000 They screw that in place.

02:36:43.000 I went to a party five days later.

02:36:44.000 I was walking around without crutches.

02:36:46.000 This is crazy.

02:36:47.000 It was so much better.

02:36:49.000 But the first one, the patella tendon was like fire was going through my veins.

02:36:54.000 It was like I would get up off the couch and I didn't like take pain pills.

02:36:59.000 I hated the way those made me feel.

02:37:01.000 I don't remember what it was, Percocets or Vicodins. 1.00

02:37:03.000 I don't remember which one it was, but I remember I sold them to this dude at the pool hall because I was like, these are fucking bullshit. 1.00

02:37:10.000 I'd rather be in pain than be that stupid. 1.00

02:37:13.000 But the morphine trip at the hospital was like having your balls cradled by angels. 1.00

02:37:21.000 It was just like you were being hugged by God.

02:37:24.000 It was like the world was just giving you this big warm hug.

02:37:27.000 Everything was going to be fine.

02:37:29.000 I was on this machine.

02:37:30.000 They constantly straightened my leg and bent it. 0.96

02:37:33.000 It was like this constant motion machine because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff after they, you know, fucking chisel into it and start putting screws in and all that. 0.92

02:37:43.000 So this machine's going... 0.96

02:37:45.000 And I'm going, click, click, click. 1.00

02:37:51.000 And I'm just melting into this fucking bed. 0.99

02:37:54.000 And the last time I had that feeling... 0.99

02:37:56.000 Was in the early, maybe the late 90s, I guess it was.

02:38:00.000 Must have been the late 90s because I remember I lived out here. 0.98

02:38:04.000 And I got a hold of some of the real NyQuil before they took that shit off the market. 0.99

02:38:10.000 Oh yeah, the alcohol. 0.99

02:38:11.000 With the codeine in it.

02:38:12.000 Oh my god, it was magical.

02:38:14.000 NyQuil was like 25 proof with codeine or something.

02:38:18.000 It was so good.

02:38:19.000 It was so good.

02:38:20.000 Yeah, you just forgot you had a cold. 1.00

02:38:21.000 I knew a comic used to drink that shit. 1.00

02:38:23.000 There's a lot of people who used to drink it. 1.00

02:38:25.000 He used to get bottles of it.

02:38:27.000 The people that worked at the comedy club at Rascals in New Jersey.

02:38:31.000 Yeah, I remember Rascals. 0.99

02:38:32.000 They'd have to bring bottles of fucking NyQuil. 0.98

02:38:35.000 And they would always just talk about it. 1.00

02:38:36.000 Yeah, he fucking wants bottles of NyQuil. 0.99

02:38:38.000 He just drinks NyQuil. 0.99

02:38:39.000 Goes into his hotel room and drinks NyQuil.

02:38:41.000 My knees have no cartilage.

02:38:43.000 That's just beat up.

02:38:45.000 So when they hurt, my doctor's like, yeah, we're going to replace them.

02:38:48.000 We're just waiting.

02:38:49.000 Don't, don't, don't.

02:38:50.000 Listen, if that's all it is, is just cartilage, you got to get stem cells.

02:38:53.000 Stem cell shots, oh my God, dude.

02:38:56.000 It's the greatest thing of all time.

02:38:57.000 They actually regenerate tissue.

02:38:59.000 They can regenerate meniscus, regenerate cartilage in bone-on-bone situations.

02:39:04.000 I'll hook you up with his doctor.

02:39:05.000 I'll get you connected to him.

02:39:06.000 It's just over the last couple years they're doing these things.

02:39:09.000 They're having miraculous results with stem cells.

02:39:12.000 Someone online complained to me on Twitter.

02:39:15.000 They're like, yeah, a lot of people can't afford stem cells.

02:39:17.000 What, do you want me to not talk about it?

02:39:19.000 Should I not talk about how awesome it is because people can't afford it?

02:39:22.000 I mean, that's the way our medicine is.

02:39:24.000 I get it.

02:39:25.000 I get it.

02:39:25.000 It's annoying to you that you can't afford it.

02:39:28.000 But I'm not going to not talk.

02:39:30.000 I had it in my shoulder.

02:39:31.000 I had a stem cell shot in my shoulder.

02:39:33.000 I was probably a couple months away from surgery.

02:39:35.000 I was like...

02:39:37.000 Just trying to figure out when I could schedule it, because it was so annoying. 0.92

02:39:40.000 Every time I'd work out, I'd be in pain for a few days, and then I would do it again, and ice it, and all this different shit. 0.98

02:39:46.000 And I was like, I'm going to have to fucking bite the bullet and get this thing fixed. 0.99

02:39:49.000 One stem cell shot. 1.00

02:39:51.000 Boom! 0.99

02:39:51.000 Within two weeks, it feels 100% better. 0.99

02:39:54.000 Within a month, it felt better than it felt in a year.

02:39:57.000 And now, it's like, I mean, occasionally it's sore.

02:40:00.000 Like yesterday, I lifted, and I lifted this morning.

02:40:02.000 I mean, it's kind of a little sore, but nothing to complain about.

02:40:05.000 No big deal.

02:40:07.000 It's funny when you were talking about how they take part of the shin bone and the other bone. 0.99

02:40:12.000 When doctors do shit like that, I'm like, how smart are you? 0.98

02:40:15.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:40:16.000 Like, wow, you can actually do that.

02:40:21.000 I had shattered my wrist and I got to know the doctor who fixed it.

02:40:26.000 Motorcycle crash?

02:40:26.000 Yeah.

02:40:27.000 I knew it.

02:40:28.000 On a racetrack.

02:40:29.000 Not ordinary circumstance, but...

02:40:32.000 I was talking to the doctor, you know, and we've become friends over time. 0.99

02:40:36.000 I fuck with him about it. 1.00

02:40:37.000 He fucks with me. 1.00

02:40:39.000 Like, when he did the surgery and he said, yeah, do it again, I'm like, well, you couldn't get shit right the first time? 1.00

02:40:44.000 And he's like, well, if you hadn't fucked it up so bad, you know, it's like that kind of... 0.98

02:40:48.000 But sometimes I just look at him like... 0.98

02:40:50.000 How smart are you?

02:40:52.000 You just put bodies back together. 1.00

02:40:55.000 That shit is amazing. 1.00

02:40:56.000 I tell fucking dick jokes. 1.00

02:40:59.000 You go inside a human body and repair it. 1.00

02:41:03.000 That's amazing.

02:41:04.000 It's certainly a different kind of smart.

02:41:05.000 How about that Ben Carson guy, that guy that runs for president?

02:41:08.000 That guy was a neurosurgeon that he fixed conjoined twins at the head.

02:41:14.000 And yet, you listen to him talk.

02:41:17.000 Now, you talk about a disconnect.

02:41:19.000 Honestly, it's not like Herman Cain, because obviously I make fun of all these guys, and the black Republican is always going to be hilarious because it's like everyone else knows.

02:41:29.000 Nobody told you.

02:41:32.000 But to be that smart, and yet when you listen to some of his political stuff, you're like...

02:41:39.000 How does that work?

02:41:40.000 I don't understand that.

02:41:41.000 And you're not just a neurosurgeon.

02:41:44.000 You worked your way up from nowhere.

02:41:47.000 It wasn't like you were born into a silver spoon in your mouth or whatever.

02:41:52.000 So, yeah, I don't understand Ben Carson at all. 0.99

02:41:56.000 Well, it's hard when he starts talking about religion, when he starts talking about the Big Bang and evolution is a myth and the Big Bang is bullshit. 0.97

02:42:05.000 He doesn't believe in evolution. 0.94

02:42:07.000 He might think the Earth is 10,000 years old.

02:42:10.000 He might be one of those guys. 0.99

02:42:12.000 He's got some really wacky ideas, but when it comes to fixing a brain, he knows what the fuck to do. 0.99

02:42:17.000 Yeah, but that's what I mean. 0.96

02:42:19.000 How do you put those two together?

02:42:20.000 In the course of learning to fix a brain, Didn't they teach you any other science?

02:42:26.000 Wasn't there any other science classes you went to?

02:42:30.000 He doesn't buy it.

02:42:31.000 Not buying it.

02:42:32.000 I don't know, man.

02:42:33.000 Maybe it's like the hubris that you have to have to be so confident that you could fix conjoined twins.

02:42:39.000 Because apparently conjoined twins at the head is like one of the most dangerous operations.

02:42:44.000 Oh, absolutely.

02:42:44.000 It took more than 20 hours.

02:42:46.000 They brought in surgeons from all over the world to assist him.

02:42:49.000 But he figured out a way to...

02:42:50.000 They shared one artery, like a major artery between their two brains.

02:42:55.000 And he figured out a way to channel it and to make it work.

02:42:59.000 So that's two votes he's going to get.

02:43:04.000 He's ahead of Trump now!

02:43:05.000 I know.

02:43:05.000 That's what's really crazy in the most recent polls.

02:43:08.000 He's ahead of Trump.

02:43:09.000 That's because this is the reality show portion.

02:43:12.000 And then next year they get to the real election.

02:43:15.000 You know what I mean?

02:43:15.000 Next year is when the real candidates come forth.

02:43:18.000 Do you think that's why Trump is so gung-ho already? 1.00

02:43:21.000 He knows it's bullshit? 0.99

02:43:23.000 Trump's going to sell books and get a TV show. 1.00

02:43:26.000 You know what I mean?

02:43:27.000 This is all publicity for Trump.

02:43:29.000 My theory is that Around December or January, Trump comes up with a way to back out.

02:43:37.000 Like, I don't want to work with these politicians.

02:43:39.000 You know what I mean?

02:43:41.000 He comes up with something like that.

02:43:42.000 Like when Stern was running for governor?

02:43:44.000 Yeah, and he backs out of it.

02:43:46.000 And then he rides the wave of the publicity.

02:43:51.000 You might be right.

02:43:51.000 Or President Trump.

02:43:53.000 What if he fucking wins? 1.00

02:43:54.000 What if he gets in there? 0.99

02:43:55.000 I mean, would that be the biggest...

02:43:57.000 I just can't see it happening.

02:43:59.000 Why not?

02:44:00.000 Because, for one thing, he knows nothing about policy or how government works or, you know...

02:44:07.000 Right.

02:44:07.000 But how hard is that to learn?

02:44:09.000 Oh, it's very hard.

02:44:10.000 On that level, even Barack Obama, who went in...

02:44:15.000 Knowing it, I think his first two years in office was in education.

02:44:20.000 Because I think when you really find out how hard it is to make this work and to get these people to work together and to get anything done, you know what I mean?

02:44:30.000 I think he learned a lot about...

02:44:35.000 Like, how to try to make politics work, how to get anything done.

02:44:40.000 And Trump is more like Schwarzenegger. 0.99

02:44:44.000 When Schwarzenegger thought he was gonna go in and call the legislature girly men and be the Terminator, and they were like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:44:52.000 Like, he got slapped, you know? 0.98

02:44:55.000 And it would be the same thing with Trump.

02:44:56.000 They'd be, what do you mean you're fired? 1.00

02:44:58.000 Shut up! 1.00

02:45:00.000 Shut up. 1.00

02:45:01.000 I think the difference being that Trump would probably make a big deal out of explaining where all these bottlenecks are. 1.00

02:45:07.000 He would probably make a big deal about explaining it to the public, doing press conferences and not playing ball because he's so fucking rich. 0.97

02:45:14.000 But that's no secret, though. 0.97

02:45:16.000 Everyone knows that.

02:45:17.000 We all know about the party of no.

02:45:21.000 And to get in...

02:45:25.000 With all the backdoor deals and stuff like that, you gotta have some serious backing.

02:45:33.000 He has a lot of money, but he doesn't have Koch Brothers money.

02:45:37.000 Or what's that guy who owns the casinos in Vegas?

02:45:42.000 I don't even know his name.

02:45:44.000 He owns a Venetian and stuff.

02:45:46.000 I don't want to say his name.

02:45:47.000 Sounds like Candyman.

02:45:48.000 You don't want to say it.

02:45:50.000 That's too much money.

02:45:51.000 Yeah, or on the Democrat side, they have some people.

02:45:55.000 I mean, you got Spielberg and Geffen and all of them.

02:45:58.000 Trump has money.

02:45:59.000 He doesn't have their money, nor does he have their influence.

02:46:03.000 He doesn't have their...

02:46:06.000 Influence when it comes to the media and when it comes to everything else involved.

02:46:11.000 You know what's annoying to me?

02:46:12.000 How many women that want to vote for Hillary just because she's a woman? 1.00

02:46:15.000 I'm like, do you know how much shady shit is going on with her? 1.00

02:46:18.000 Like, I've had these conversations. 1.00

02:46:19.000 Like, I'll vote for her.

02:46:20.000 I want a woman in office. 1.00

02:46:22.000 I'm like, but do you know how shady she is? 1.00

02:46:25.000 Do you know that when she was a criminal lawyer, she was a defense lawyer, she got some guy off for raping a kid? 0.88

02:46:32.000 There was like some video or a recording of her joke. 0.98

02:46:35.000 Joking around about it from like the 1980s or whatever the fuck it was when this happened. 1.00

02:46:40.000 If you're going to be a politician, you're bad. 0.99

02:46:44.000 You know what I mean?

02:46:46.000 But even before she was a politician, the Whitewater deal with her and her husband. 0.61

02:46:51.000 But even then she was in it because Bill's been in it from the beginning.

02:46:54.000 The thing I like about Hillary is she knows how the game's played. 1.00

02:46:59.000 She has experience and she's very smart.

02:47:03.000 So I give her that.

02:47:05.000 I don't think she's perfect.

02:47:06.000 I think she's the best of them.

02:47:08.000 Of the ones running, I think she's the best. 0.93

02:47:11.000 She scares me.

02:47:12.000 And the thing about Bernie Sanders, although I like a lot of what he says, it's not going to get done.

02:47:19.000 What about the taxes?

02:47:21.000 He talks crazy about taxes. 1.00

02:47:23.000 He wants to tax the fucking shit out of rich people. 1.00

02:47:26.000 He wants to do what some other countries do, where the government provides a lot more services, but it's paid for by a lot more taxes. 0.99

02:47:35.000 So now you're going to have to somehow get that rich 1% that ain't paying to suddenly be willing to pay.

02:47:43.000 And to make college-free Sounds good, but now you're talking about change.

02:47:51.000 See, when you start talking about changing an entire system, when you talk about cutting money out of defense to pay for things, yeah, it sounds great, but the problem is this has been this military, industrial, defense complex business.

02:48:08.000 How many military bases do we have where it's just welfare for the town?

02:48:14.000 They don't need the base, but the base is there because the base employs everyone in the town.

02:48:18.000 And if you shut down the base, the town goes broke.

02:48:20.000 I mean, that's true all across America.

02:48:23.000 And the congressmen from that town will fight to the death.

02:48:28.000 Like, there's a naval base in West Virginia.

02:48:34.000 That's not in the ocean.

02:48:36.000 There's no ocean!

02:48:37.000 But they had this congressman, I forget his name, but he was like, that was his thing.

02:48:42.000 He was that guy.

02:48:43.000 And he's like, I'm getting these jobs and this money to my district.

02:48:48.000 You know what I mean?

02:48:49.000 So when you get a Bernie Sanders, when you get someone who's talking about, I'm going to change the whole system.

02:48:55.000 And I think this was the thing with Barack.

02:48:57.000 When Barack Obama ran initially, And it was about hope and change and a bunch of young people, college age, got on board and they wanted everything to change.

02:49:05.000 And it was great.

02:49:06.000 And I think he really meant it.

02:49:08.000 And then he got there and it was like, oh, this ain't gonna get done.

02:49:12.000 Because when he got there and he had the Democratic Congress, like if there was any chance of him doing it, it was when he had the president and the Congress from the same party. 0.99

02:49:22.000 And even then Congress was like, well, no, we ain't changing that shit. 0.98

02:49:26.000 You know, we're not gonna mess with that. 0.98

02:49:28.000 It's like they say, moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier.

02:49:35.000 It turns, but it takes a long time.

02:49:37.000 That's the one thing I really love about Bernie Sanders, the idea of free college. 0.96

02:49:41.000 I think the idea that these kids come out of college and they owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and they're fucked, it drives me crazy.

02:49:50.000 It makes so much sense that you're almost baffled why we don't do it.

02:49:56.000 There's one state, and I want to say it was Iowa, I want to say it was Iowa, and I only know about this because a friend of mine, her kid was in school at the time, and she was divorced, and her husband lived there.

02:50:09.000 But they had this deal.

02:50:10.000 They said the first 10 cents of every tax dollar goes to the schools, and you can't mess with that.

02:50:15.000 You can't change it.

02:50:17.000 And what they noticed, they didn't plan it, but about seven, eight years later, their jail population started dropping.

02:50:25.000 Wow.

02:50:26.000 Yeah.

02:50:27.000 But you know why?

02:50:28.000 Because if kids go to school, they don't go to jail.

02:50:31.000 And you look at the cost of putting a guy in jail for one year versus putting him in college for a year.

02:50:38.000 It just makes so much more sense.

02:50:40.000 Not to mention the fact that how is an educated populace bad other than the fact you can't control it?

02:50:47.000 That's the only negative to educating people.

02:50:50.000 You can't control them.

02:50:51.000 Well that and if you do have an educated populace that's in debt, they're gonna have to work. 0.99

02:50:56.000 They're gonna have to work and they're gonna have to keep their fucking mouth shut and stay inside the boundaries of the system. 0.89

02:51:03.000 But I'm talking about if you do away with the debt so that more people can go to college. 0.98

02:51:07.000 Like, in other words, the more people that go to college, the better a country we are.

02:51:12.000 And yet they literally fight against it.

02:51:15.000 And it's always funny when you see people...

02:51:18.000 Fight against their best interest.

02:51:21.000 Well, I don't think it is their best interest because they make money off of the fact that college education in this country is subsidized.

02:51:27.000 One of the reasons why it's so expensive is because the government is involved.

02:51:30.000 The government is involved in all these loans and there's money in that.

02:51:34.000 Whenever you have a tremendous amount of money that's being generated by anything, whether it's college or law enforcement or the drug war, it becomes an industry.

02:51:43.000 Well, yeah, yeah.

02:51:44.000 Like you were talking about the military, like shutting down those bases.

02:51:47.000 The same thing would happen if you figured out a way to pay for colleges through tax dollars.

02:51:52.000 There would be, without a doubt, some people would lose their jobs.

02:51:56.000 People would lose their gigs.

02:51:57.000 But what I mean is that is the overall, in other words, the overall health of the nation.

02:52:03.000 Like if everyone's smarter, we're better off.

02:52:06.000 Yeah, the one thing, look, if you want to make the nation strong, make less losers.

02:52:10.000 It's real simple.

02:52:11.000 I mean, that's the number one argument for cleaning up all these impoverished areas in our country.

02:52:16.000 Look at Baltimore. 0.97

02:52:17.000 I had this guy, Michael Wood, on this podcast that was a former cop in Baltimore, and when they were there, when he was working there, they found some papers from the 1970s that showed all the crime areas and all the tactics they were using, and he's like, we're fucking doing the same shit they were doing in the 1970s. 0.97

02:52:35.000 We're spinning our wheels. 0.93

02:52:37.000 If you want to fix that area, concentrating resources on that area and figuring out a way to solve this poverty cycle that just keeps going on and crime cycle that just keeps going on, you will have less losers.

02:52:52.000 You will have less people that you have to prosecute.

02:52:55.000 You're talking about education.

02:52:56.000 Exactly.

02:52:57.000 Because education and opportunity don't exist.

02:53:01.000 I mean, that is the one thing about the cycle of poverty that I think a lot of people can't understand.

02:53:07.000 It's like, you know, well, just get a job.

02:53:10.000 Like, well, no, you don't have that, you know.

02:53:13.000 And when you go to school and your books are eight years old, you know, like when you say, like, this generation grew up with the Internet...

02:53:22.000 But a lot of kids don't.

02:53:24.000 That's where the separation is, where did you have an iPad when you were in school, or did you have an eight-year-old textbook?

02:53:32.000 And then you get to the college level, now you're supposed to compete with the kid who had the iPad.

02:53:40.000 The whole system...

02:53:42.000 Yeah, and it's one of those things that it just makes sense to do something.

02:53:48.000 It's like guns.

02:53:49.000 It's like...

02:53:52.000 We have to admit that, okay, we got to do something.

02:53:54.000 Like, that's the first thing.

02:53:55.000 Before we do anything, let's just admit we have to do something because whatever we're doing isn't working.

02:54:01.000 And then once we realize we have to do something, then figure out what to do.

02:54:05.000 But instead, we're always us versus them.

02:54:09.000 So it's like...

02:54:12.000 Either no guns at all or just carry your AK to a grocery store.

02:54:17.000 I'm sure there's somewhere in between those two that works.

02:54:23.000 And we have become a nation that has become so divided.

02:54:28.000 On every issue.

02:54:29.000 And sometimes when it's no reason to be divided other than the other side, set it.

02:54:34.000 And it just keeps anything from getting done.

02:54:36.000 I don't know what this country's going to be in 50 years, you know?

02:54:41.000 It's going to be very different.

02:54:42.000 Because all these complications that we have right now, all the problems that we have right now, they're going to be accelerated.

02:54:48.000 They're going to be accelerated when the growth of the population, when more and more people around There's going to be more and more problems, and then there's going to be all these technological issues.

02:54:56.000 There's going to be cybercrime.

02:54:58.000 It's going to be really difficult to keep money in your bank account.

02:55:02.000 People are just going to be stealing money from bank accounts left and right.

02:55:04.000 You're going to have virtual reality.

02:55:06.000 You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet, and that's going to be just as addictive as crack.

02:55:14.000 There's going to be people that are just dropping out of society and living in the headset.

02:55:18.000 You're going to put on those virtual reality goggles.

02:55:20.000 You know, or people are going to figure out how to use it and how to make society work, you know, better or educate people more or allow for communication.

02:55:31.000 You know, I mean, when you talk about these kids who grew up with the Internet, another thing they're growing up is they're growing up globally.

02:55:38.000 So they have friends in Europe and shit like that. 0.71

02:55:42.000 They communicate with people from other countries all the time. 0.99

02:55:45.000 And you learn so much.

02:55:48.000 Like, there's so much more culturally savvy because of that.

02:55:52.000 So it's one of those things.

02:55:54.000 It's like we can become...

02:55:56.000 Much better or much worse.

02:55:58.000 And I don't really know.

02:55:59.000 Sometimes I think, well, we're going to be better. 0.96

02:56:01.000 Then some shit happens and you're like, wow, we can't be trusted with anything. 0.97

02:56:06.000 You know, so I don't know. 0.99

02:56:09.000 I don't know what's going to happen.

02:56:11.000 And, you know, and that's where you have like when you have Trump.

02:56:16.000 Honestly, when you have this viable presidential candidate saying, well, we're going to build a wall between here and Mexico because Mexico is full of rapists, and then put my name on it, you're like, okay, no.

02:56:29.000 That's no. 1.00

02:56:31.000 That's like some Lenin and Stalin type shit, putting his name on it. 0.99

02:56:35.000 Yeah, and yet you have a percentage of the population... 0.99

02:56:41.000 Who honestly believes that.

02:56:43.000 You know what I mean?

02:56:44.000 Like, we still have, what, 40% of the Republicans in the South or whatever that still believe Barack Obama's a Muslim undercover.

02:56:54.000 He's not?

02:56:55.000 Sorry, Joe.

02:56:57.000 I didn't mean to ruin that.

02:56:58.000 I didn't mean to ruin that for you.

02:57:00.000 We're out of time, dude.

02:57:01.000 We ran out of time.

02:57:02.000 Man.

02:57:02.000 We hit the three-hour mark.

02:57:03.000 Bam.

02:57:04.000 This was amazing.

02:57:05.000 It was fun.

02:57:06.000 We'll do it again.

02:57:06.000 Let's do it again, man.

02:57:07.000 Thank you.

02:57:07.000 You're in town all the time, right?

02:57:08.000 Thank you.

02:57:08.000 Anytime.

02:57:09.000 Alonzo Bowden, amazing gentleman.

02:57:11.000 Alonzo Bowden on Twitter, website.

02:57:14.000 AlonzoBowden.com.

02:57:15.000 That's crazy.

02:57:15.000 How do we remember that?

02:57:16.000 I don't know.

02:57:17.000 It's tough.

02:57:18.000 B-O-D-D-E-N. B-O-D-D-E-N. Thank you, brother. 0.99

02:57:21.000 And your podcast is Who's Paying Attention?

02:57:24.000 It's on iTunes, all that jazz.

02:57:27.000 Glorious.

02:57:27.000 We did it, man.

02:57:28.000 Thank you, sir.

02:57:29.000 We did it.

02:57:29.000 Thank you, brother.

02:57:30.000 All right.

02:57:31.000 See you guys soon.

02:57:32.000 Later.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 05, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #704 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript