The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe

00:00:07.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:00:08.000 Here we go. 1.00

00:00:09.000 Tony Hinchcliffe is in the house.

00:00:12.000 Brian Redman is in the house.

00:00:14.000 Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. 1.00

00:00:17.000 And we've been talking about turning your cum off with a light switch. 0.99

00:00:20.000 How's that work? 0.99

00:00:22.000 It's like a little switch that's in your inner leg or something like that. 0.99

00:00:24.000 And if you want to make a baby, it turns on your cum or your sperm. 0.99

00:00:29.000 So it's like a sperm switch. 0.96

00:00:30.000 But they made it look like a light switch instead of having it, you know, like some weird button or something.

00:00:35.000 Put it up on the screen again, please.

00:00:37.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

00:00:38.000 So it's in between your legs? 0.97

00:00:39.000 Like, what if you're jogging?

00:00:40.000 Does it just go on and off and on and off?

00:00:42.000 Yeah.

00:00:43.000 Oh my god, it is a light switch.

00:00:44.000 Come on, this isn't real.

00:00:47.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:00:47.000 Why am I seeing that guy's dick? 1.00

00:00:50.000 It's huge. 1.00

00:00:50.000 Why is he semi? 1.00

00:00:51.000 He's so big.

00:00:52.000 He's semi.

00:00:53.000 Okay, look at this.

00:00:55.000 Alright, so what they're showing us is...

00:00:57.000 Can we hear this?

00:00:58.000 Is it okay if we hear it?

00:01:01.000 It's like Andy Richter.

00:01:02.000 Hold on, hold on.

00:01:03.000 I love this guy's accent.

00:01:04.000 Please start him from the beginning because it makes it even better.

00:01:06.000 He speaks in a slightly broken English.

00:01:08.000 Is that Andy Richter and his brother?

00:01:10.000 ...in order to begin the medical approval procedure.

00:01:14.000 The human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day. 0.56

00:01:25.000 Look at this texture of the ball skin.

00:01:28.000 I feel like Thomas Edison would be so disappointed if he saw what his technology was being used for now. 0.86

00:01:33.000 Thomas Edison invented dick switches? 0.88

00:01:35.000 Well, like, switches, I guess. 0.98

00:01:38.000 Power on and off.

00:01:40.000 Why is it more humorous?

00:01:41.000 Because this gentleman has an accent. 0.99

00:01:44.000 Why would they spend so much time making the texture of the balls in the dick that realistic? 0.99

00:01:48.000 Because they want you to know they're not playing games. 0.99

00:01:52.000 So this is insane.

00:01:54.000 You can feel the switch and you can flip it back and forth. 0.99

00:01:58.000 That is so fucking crazy. 1.00

00:01:59.000 And what are the odds that a girl who wants a baby is not going to reach back and click that switch while she's rubbing your balls? 1.00

00:02:08.000 Which is the perfect time to hit the switch if you really wanted to make a baby. 0.99

00:02:11.000 Like, let them release the hounds! 0.95

00:02:14.000 And whenever there be cum still in the tube, you know, like the end of the tube? 0.94

00:02:17.000 Hmm, good question.

00:02:19.000 Yeah, I think that's an issue, right? 1.00

00:02:22.000 Doesn't it like stay inside your dick hole? 1.00

00:02:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:24.000 Like, it doesn't all come out in one blast, and sometimes it can come out in the next blast. 1.00

00:02:28.000 Yeah.

00:02:29.000 What do I know?

00:02:29.000 It seems fake.

00:02:30.000 That's craziness.

00:02:31.000 I mean, I don't understand.

00:02:32.000 If you got an operation to get all that stuff put in, just get a vasectomy.

00:02:36.000 Make a decision.

00:02:37.000 Stand by it.

00:02:37.000 Yeah.

00:02:38.000 It seems like in America, these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us, like an instant solution to anything that we got going wrong.

00:02:48.000 Oh, we're going to come up with new retinas. 0.90

00:02:51.000 And these retinas, they're artificial retinas.

00:02:52.000 You put them in your eyes and you can see 2,200 or 20...

00:02:56.000 That's not good.

00:02:57.000 Like, 2200 would be terrible.

00:02:59.000 Like, 25. 2020 is like normal, right?

00:03:03.000 Right.

00:03:03.000 4020. No, that's worse too, right?

00:03:06.000 Isn't that better?

00:03:06.000 That's twice...

00:03:07.000 I don't think it is.

00:03:08.000 I'm not sure.

00:03:10.000 I don't think, I think it's always been like low numbers are really good.

00:03:13.000 Like pilots would say, I have 2015 vision.

00:03:16.000 I see an eagle attacking a salmon from a mile away.

00:03:19.000 You know, like people are always like super proud of their vision.

00:03:22.000 Like really good vision.

00:03:23.000 Like whoa, amazing.

00:03:25.000 You see clearly.

00:03:26.000 So lower would be better?

00:03:27.000 Like 420 would be the best?

00:03:29.000 420!

00:03:30.000 No, it's too high on one side.

00:03:33.000 I don't know.

00:03:33.000 What's perfect on one side, right?

00:03:35.000 20 is 20. 2020. Right.

00:03:36.000 What the fuck does that even stand for? 0.99

00:03:37.000 Maybe we should know that. 0.99

00:03:39.000 What you see at 20 feet, the first 20 is what a normal person sees at 20 feet, and then what you see at 20 feet. 0.98

00:03:45.000 So you see, if you have 2200, you see what a normal person sees at 200 feet at 20 feet, because your vision sucks. 0.88

00:03:52.000 Okay, that makes sense.

00:03:54.000 That actually totally makes sense.

00:03:55.000 What a drag. 0.98

00:03:56.000 Yeah.

00:03:57.000 Oof.

00:03:59.000 Do you have perfect vision, Tony?

00:04:01.000 My vision is unbelievable.

00:04:04.000 I can read anything.

00:04:06.000 It's like insane.

00:04:08.000 That's cool.

00:04:09.000 It's a lot of fun.

00:04:11.000 Have you always had that?

00:04:12.000 Yeah.

00:04:12.000 You should probably be really good at something like darts or something like that.

00:04:17.000 Maybe.

00:04:18.000 Yeah, I can see that.

00:04:19.000 I would think that something along those lines where it'd be super precise.

00:04:24.000 I don't play darts, but I would imagine that it's probably pretty fun with all that pressure to get a bullseye.

00:04:32.000 It seems kind of silly.

00:04:34.000 You're throwing a metal stick at a thing, but those dudes seem to be having a good time.

00:04:38.000 I'm a hell of a shot.

00:04:40.000 I was a natural.

00:04:41.000 With a dartboard?

00:04:42.000 With an actual gun.

00:04:44.000 Oh, really?

00:04:45.000 I shot discus one time.

00:04:48.000 Is that what it is?

00:04:48.000 What do they call that?

00:04:49.000 Pigeons?

00:04:50.000 Pigeons?

00:04:50.000 Clay pigeons?

00:04:51.000 And I was like 13 or 14 and I was clipping them.

00:04:55.000 And I remember this group of old guys standing behind my mom's boyfriend that took me. 0.99

00:05:01.000 Just like, holy shit. 0.99

00:05:02.000 I'm terrible with a shotgun. 1.00

00:05:04.000 I did a Burt Kreischer show.

00:05:07.000 We had one of those clay shoot-off things.

00:05:09.000 I hit like one.

00:05:12.000 How do you get good at a shotgun?

00:05:13.000 It's just practice.

00:05:15.000 You have to understand how you're orientating the sight on it.

00:05:19.000 It's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the sight is magnified.

00:05:24.000 With a shotgun, for the most part, unless it has a scope on it, most of the times they don't, you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go.

00:05:32.000 But any variation up or down by the slightest amount Results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon.

00:05:40.000 So if you're trying to shoot straight and your thing is just kind of at him but not really, it'll go over his head.

00:05:47.000 So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny nub.

00:05:55.000 Like a U. And then the thing in the back, the thing in the back is the U. And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up. 0.77

00:06:01.000 So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch.

00:06:07.000 So there's a lot involved in it.

00:06:10.000 It takes practice.

00:06:11.000 But once you get, it's like anything else, like archery or bowling.

00:06:15.000 You know, once you understand the technique behind it, then it's just a matter of drilling it over and over again.

00:06:19.000 Like, you ever see a really good bowler like Ari's friend, Tommy?

00:06:22.000 Yeah.

00:06:23.000 What is that guy's name?

00:06:24.000 Tommy...

00:06:25.000 Mottolo? 1.00

00:06:26.000 What the fuck is his name? 1.00

00:06:27.000 He gave me a... 1.00

00:06:29.000 Alright, you'll find it, right?

00:06:31.000 You'll know it.

00:06:32.000 He's a really good dude, whoever that guy is.

00:06:34.000 Tallarino, right?

00:06:35.000 No, no, Tommy.

00:06:37.000 Jamie will figure it out.

00:06:39.000 Let him figure it out.

00:06:40.000 We'll talk.

00:06:42.000 But if he taught you how to bowl, if you watch him bowl, those guys, they throw that curveball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything at an angle, and they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again to the point where they'll bowl pretty close to perfect games a lot, 0.99

00:07:02.000 where they'll get real close to making eight, nine strikes in a row, and you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:07:08.000 When a guy like you or I, I don't know how you bowl, I bowl like shit. 1.00

00:07:11.000 Like shit. 1.00

00:07:12.000 I just bowl that fucking thing straight. 1.00

00:07:14.000 Tommy Dilutes. 1.00

00:07:15.000 Tommy Dilutes.

00:07:16.000 Great guy, by the way. 0.97

00:07:18.000 Super fucking nice guy. 0.90

00:07:20.000 He's hung out with us a couple of times. 0.99

00:07:22.000 And he's a pro bowler.

00:07:23.000 So if that guy taught you how to bowl, like he could teach you the technique, then it would just be a matter of you wanting to keep working at it.

00:07:31.000 Whether it's...

00:07:32.000 Whether it's archery or whether it's darts or anything, man.

00:07:35.000 It's just a matter of someone showing you how to do it, you figuring out what's best for you, and then numbers. 0.99

00:07:40.000 That's why people don't like to get good at shit. 0.99

00:07:43.000 The numbers involved. 1.00

00:07:44.000 They're nuts.

00:07:45.000 If you want to be a professional golfer, Do you know what kind of numbers you have to put in? 0.97

00:07:50.000 Good lord.

00:07:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:52.000 All the practice and all the fucking knocking. 0.99

00:07:55.000 And then you're like, man, this isn't going to work out. 0.98

00:07:57.000 And okay, if you say it's not going to work out, then I guess it's not going to work out. 0.92

00:08:00.000 Because it fucking worked out for Tiger Woods. 0.98

00:08:03.000 Fucking worked out for Jack Nicklaus. 1.00

00:08:04.000 How come it fucking worked out for them? 1.00

00:08:06.000 Because they got nutty. 0.99

00:08:07.000 Because someone taught them the technique, they started to compete, and then they got nutty.

00:08:12.000 Yeah.

00:08:13.000 You just gotta decide whether or not you want to get nutty.

00:08:15.000 And getting nutty is not the best idea in the world either. 0.99

00:08:18.000 A lot of those guys wind up fucking hitting the rocks. 0.98

00:08:20.000 They never stop at the beach. 1.00

00:08:22.000 Just fucking keep that gas going. 1.00

00:08:26.000 It's like stand-up. 0.99

00:08:28.000 In a lot of ways, yeah.

00:08:29.000 I think it's like everything.

00:08:32.000 Everything that represents you, you know, you focus on it.

00:08:35.000 And the more you focus on it, the better it gets at it.

00:08:38.000 And if you don't focus on it, it doesn't get better.

00:08:40.000 And if you do, it does.

00:08:41.000 And it's a matter of how much do you want to focus on it where you can enjoy the rest of your life?

00:08:45.000 What percentage of your life does it become?

00:08:47.000 It always amazes me that people get so great at video games.

00:08:51.000 Yeah.

00:08:51.000 You know?

00:08:52.000 Did you ever meet Robert, the dude who was the old manager at the Comedy Store?

00:08:57.000 Uh-uh.

00:08:59.000 What was his job there?

00:09:01.000 Do you remember?

00:09:02.000 He was like...

00:09:02.000 Talent?

00:09:03.000 Was he booking talent?

00:09:05.000 I don't know if he was doing that for a while.

00:09:07.000 Maybe he was doing that for a while.

00:09:08.000 Anyway, really good guy.

00:09:10.000 The Magic guy, right?

00:09:10.000 Magic the Gathering.

00:09:11.000 He was addicted to that.

00:09:12.000 He was addicted to EverQuest, I believe, at first.

00:09:15.000 Maybe it was Magic the Gathering.

00:09:16.000 Magic the Gathering is a card game, though, isn't it?

00:09:18.000 It's also a video game.

00:09:18.000 It's a video game, too.

00:09:20.000 I'm pretty sure he was an EverQuest junkie.

00:09:23.000 Bad man, like bad.

00:09:25.000 And he would come to the comedy store and he would be depressed.

00:09:28.000 Like, he would get out of his house when he could.

00:09:30.000 When he could, he would come out and hang out with us in the real world.

00:09:34.000 I'll never forget this.

00:09:36.000 We were in the back bar, and it was just me and him, and it was the back bar era.

00:09:43.000 A lot of times, comedians gather there and talk, and he just goes, it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life.

00:09:54.000 He goes, I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life.

00:10:01.000 And he was tired, and he looked pale.

00:10:04.000 And I'm like, this is a great guy.

00:10:06.000 He's a really nice guy. 1.00

00:10:07.000 I'm like, fuck, man. 1.00

00:10:10.000 This game is like a vampire. 1.00

00:10:12.000 He was making money on it?

00:10:13.000 No, you make money in the game. 1.00

00:10:15.000 You make gold coins so you can buy magic and shit. 0.99

00:10:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:10:18.000 Is that how it works?

00:10:19.000 Am I saying that right?

00:10:19.000 Yeah, sure.

00:10:20.000 You level up the more you play.

00:10:22.000 So he was like king of kings.

00:10:23.000 You know, he had like a crazy player and everything like that.

00:10:26.000 King of kings. 0.99

00:10:26.000 Well, when you get really good, right, in EverQuest, like the higher you get, the more you can fuck people up. 0.99

00:10:31.000 You can do whatever you want. 0.97

00:10:32.000 Right.

00:10:32.000 You just become like invincible.

00:10:34.000 You can become a god. 1.00

00:10:35.000 If you're on that shit 24 hours a day for 10 years, no one can fuck with you. 1.00

00:10:38.000 They just can't fuck with you. 1.00

00:10:40.000 Isn't that how World of Warcraft is? 1.00

00:10:42.000 Mm-hmm.

00:10:43.000 They're encouraging addiction.

00:10:45.000 It's so obvious.

00:10:46.000 It's so obvious.

00:10:47.000 It's very clever.

00:10:49.000 But this is a money vampire.

00:10:51.000 They figured out a really entertaining money vampire. 1.00

00:10:54.000 Sucks it out of you. 0.97

00:10:56.000 South Park did one on it, and it's just unbelievably hilarious. 0.99

00:11:00.000 You know what's interesting?

00:11:01.000 The concept that you can get The better at it, the more time you put in it because you get more stuff.

00:11:07.000 That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game.

00:11:12.000 In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right?

00:11:15.000 I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it.

00:11:19.000 Was that you both start out like you guys were gonna have a death match you both start out with a hundred and fifty life points the same amount of Access to weapons.

00:11:29.000 You know you have like a little pistol like you have a little blaster and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are so you have to know the map you have to know where the weapons are and when they spawn because they spawn in increments like every 15 20 seconds or something like forget what it is maybe a minute for some weapons maybe some weapons spawn differently so these guys had programs in their code Where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn.

00:11:54.000 So they had it, like, timed into their code.

00:11:56.000 So they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers are about to spawn.

00:12:03.000 So they'd run to get to the rocket launcher, because he who gets the rocket launcher first most likely wins the deathmatch.

00:12:08.000 Because these guys know the maps, and they start blasting each other.

00:12:11.000 Well then, everybody starts even.

00:12:13.000 Everybody starts even.

00:12:14.000 That's what's exciting about it.

00:12:16.000 It's a mad scramble. 0.99

00:12:17.000 If you got to a point where you could just fuck people up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone, that's too much. 0.99

00:12:26.000 Everybody's got to be even. 1.00

00:12:28.000 Whereas your game's bullshit. 1.00

00:12:29.000 You just got a giant addiction thing going on. 1.00

00:12:32.000 You got an addiction pyramid scheme going on.

00:12:34.000 And you're talking to yourself in third person as if it wasn't you that did all this.

00:12:40.000 Well, sort of.

00:12:41.000 But I'm thinking about Robert because I'm thinking about the game of EverQuest.

00:12:46.000 And that's a way more addictive element.

00:12:50.000 Like the element of...

00:12:51.000 The longer you do it, the more power you have and the more you can accomplish, the more dragons you can slay and what have you.

00:12:58.000 What I was into was these crazy one-on-one death matches.

00:13:02.000 They were so fun.

00:13:03.000 And I was never good at them, man. 0.99

00:13:05.000 I used to get fucked up. 0.94

00:13:07.000 It wasn't a matter of me being successful at Quake. 0.99

00:13:10.000 It was the opposite.

00:13:11.000 I could never catch up.

00:13:13.000 I could be able to beat dudes who were clueless. 0.99

00:13:16.000 If some dude was clueless and he got into one of those maps with me, I could fuck him up. 0.99

00:13:20.000 But most of the time I got fucked Most of the time you're getting fucked up with these young kids who are so good. 1.00

00:13:26.000 Their fucking hand-eye coordination is designed through the game. 1.00

00:13:31.000 Because as they were children, they're using a mouse and keyboard. 1.00

00:13:35.000 As their little brains were forming connections with their fingertips, a lot of it involved moving a mouse.

00:13:42.000 Obama plays one of these, right?

00:13:44.000 Does he?

00:13:44.000 Yeah, he's on, what's one of those, Halo or something like that?

00:13:48.000 What's one of those popular ones?

00:13:50.000 Halo is very popular.

00:13:51.000 Or Call of Duty, I think it might be, but he plays it.

00:13:55.000 I always think that that's so crazy to think that Obama is sometimes just chilling, just getting lit up by some seven-year-old kid.

00:14:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:04.000 Obama plays Titanfall.

00:14:06.000 Titan?

00:14:07.000 Whoa.

00:14:08.000 Xbox One.

00:14:09.000 It's similar to Call of Duty.

00:14:11.000 So is it a war game?

00:14:13.000 Yeah, so you're in mechs, so you're like running around and you can jump into big machines during the game.

00:14:18.000 Oh, okay, like Transformers, that kind of thing.

00:14:21.000 Wow, that's wild.

00:14:23.000 Who would have ever thought that? 1.00

00:14:24.000 So this is like that movie with fucking Wolverine? 0.99

00:14:27.000 Yeah, kinda. 0.99

00:14:28.000 What's his name?

00:14:30.000 What's the Wolverine guy's name?

00:14:31.000 Hugh Jackman.

00:14:35.000 Australian.

00:14:35.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:14:36.000 He hides his accent so well.

00:14:37.000 It's always weird when one of those guys talks in their regular accent.

00:14:40.000 You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:14:42.000 Like, did you ever watch Homeland?

00:14:44.000 There's a guy named Brody who's in Homeland, and he plays a dude who was kidnapped and tortured by the terrorists.

00:14:50.000 Then he comes back to America, and he's kind of like...

00:14:53.000 He's acting as a pawn for the terrorists. 1.00

00:14:56.000 It's very fucking crazy. 0.99

00:14:58.000 But he sounds like a regular, almost like a Southern American, like a Texan, like a slight Texas accent on the show. 0.99

00:15:07.000 And then in real life, he talks with this crazy English accent.

00:15:10.000 And you hear him talk, and you can't believe it's the same man.

00:15:13.000 One of my favorite actors right now who I'm like obsessed with because I saw him on this show, Bloodline.

00:15:18.000 You heard of this show?

00:15:19.000 Bloodline, what's that?

00:15:20.000 Bloodline is a Netflix original series that came out like six months ago and it's basically about like this rich family that takes a vacation. 0.97

00:15:28.000 They like have this vacation in Hawaii and they all get together and shit just goes down. 0.98

00:15:35.000 With this family. 0.99

00:15:36.000 And you don't know who's covering up what.

00:15:39.000 And it's just all these diabolical characters. 0.91

00:15:42.000 Anyway, there's this guy named Ben Mendelsohn, who is a monster.

00:15:46.000 He's one of those guys that's just so compelling to watch.

00:15:49.000 Like, his face is always moving.

00:15:51.000 He plays like a bad guy in everything.

00:15:54.000 And I watched like six, seven of his movies going back and they're all amazing.

00:15:59.000 He's one of these like real actors.

00:16:01.000 And then I found out that he's just Australian. 0.60

00:16:04.000 But complete Australian dude.

00:16:07.000 Total Australian accent.

00:16:09.000 And he was my favorite American actor up until I found out he's from Australia.

00:16:14.000 There's a lot of killer actors from Australia. 1.00

00:16:16.000 Yeah. 0.88

00:16:16.000 Russell Crowe's from Australia, right? 0.88

00:16:18.000 Isn't he?

00:16:19.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:16:19.000 That guy there is a monster. 0.98

00:16:22.000 Think of how many fucking Australian accents. 1.00

00:16:25.000 Mel Gibson, Australian. 1.00

00:16:26.000 Think of how many of those guys.

00:16:28.000 What's Tom Hardy?

00:16:29.000 English?

00:16:30.000 English.

00:16:31.000 Tom Hardy's a badass. 1.00

00:16:32.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:16:33.000 There's so many of them from over there. 1.00

00:16:35.000 It's incredible.

00:16:36.000 Sometimes I don't even realize I was watching a Tom Hardy movie until the end of the movie and his name comes up and I'm like, who was Tom?

00:16:42.000 Oh my god, he was the main character the whole time.

00:16:45.000 He's another one, one of the only other guys, it's funny to bring him up because he's another one where I literally will look up their name.

00:16:53.000 Some of these guys, they actually read the scripts and pick the things that they want to do.

00:16:59.000 Well, he can at this point, right?

00:17:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:17:03.000 That guy can act his ass off. 1.00

00:17:05.000 Sometimes he's like a ripped monster, like in Mad Max, and then sometimes he's built like me in these movies. 0.99

00:17:10.000 And it's like, how the hell?

00:17:12.000 Like, he's one of those guys that cuts weight and puts it on and really gets in a character.

00:17:17.000 He plays a...

00:17:18.000 I can't remember the name of it, but in one of these things, he's a twin.

00:17:21.000 So he's playing the two lead characters, because it's him and his twin the entire character.

00:17:26.000 Oh yeah, he's playing the Cray brothers, right? 0.99

00:17:29.000 Remember that movie, The Crays?

00:17:31.000 It was out a long time ago.

00:17:34.000 It was basically on the same brothers.

00:17:35.000 There's two brothers who were into organized crime in England.

00:17:38.000 They're legendary.

00:17:39.000 And he's playing both of them.

00:17:41.000 The last time he did it, I think they had two actual twins in the last version of it.

00:17:47.000 Which is probably, they had to settle for whatever actors they could get that were twins. 0.99

00:17:51.000 Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies, like, and she would always talk about how hot he is, and she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing.

00:18:05.000 And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies, because you have a crush on him. 0.98

00:18:09.000 And sure enough, this fucker won me over, like, big time. 0.99

00:18:12.000 That's when you know he's good, right? 1.00

00:18:14.000 To where you're like, uh...

00:18:15.000 You know what? 0.99

00:18:16.000 It's fucking great, man. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Fuck my girlfriend. 1.00

00:18:21.000 How many guys do you think have ever played themselves in a movie, like side-by-side, like twins like that? 1.00

00:18:27.000 So you're playing...

00:18:29.000 What I want to know is, does he get paid double for that?

00:18:33.000 Has it been done?

00:18:34.000 That only seems fair, right?

00:18:36.000 Well, he's got to be getting a shitload of money for this, because that's half of the movie is seeing if they can pull that off, right?

00:18:42.000 Because you're dealing with CGI. They're combining...

00:18:45.000 Somehow or another, I don't know how they're doing it.

00:18:47.000 I would imagine what they can do now, and this is just my guess, is that you can get a guy like you, and you and Brian could have like a tussle.

00:18:56.000 And as long as you are the same size, you could superimpose his features on you.

00:19:03.000 There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, Then, up until, I'm sure this movie, it's not locked off on everything.

00:19:13.000 What does that mean, locked off?

00:19:13.000 You know, like, completely not moving, stabilized.

00:19:17.000 Then, it was always easier to do that, I think.

00:19:21.000 You know, the CGI type of things where you can put somebody into things.

00:19:25.000 But this is like a real movie with real dialogue.

00:19:28.000 I think they're doing it all with computers now.

00:19:31.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:19:32.000 But he's got to act both sides of it, right?

00:19:35.000 So he's got to somehow or another act both sides of it.

00:19:39.000 I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact with someone, they would have to somehow or another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person's body or something along those lines.

00:19:49.000 If they're doing a tussle, they're just doing the thing where it's just the back of the head and then they just flip.

00:19:54.000 You know, when they're rolling around where it's like a smaller, weird, creepy version of them.

00:19:58.000 I did it with that Pepsi Spice commercial where I just pretty much recorded the same two things and then just split it right down the middle.

00:20:05.000 That's right.

00:20:05.000 I forgot about these videos.

00:20:06.000 This was like 15 years ago I did this.

00:20:09.000 Yeah, these are hilarious.

00:20:11.000 This looks exactly like the commercial for the Tom Hardy movie that I was talking about.

00:20:16.000 This is hilarious.

00:20:17.000 I forgot about this.

00:20:18.000 The next morning, and look, I even put down the coffee cup and then I grabbed the coffee cup.

00:20:22.000 Look at that!

00:20:23.000 Boom! 0.99

00:20:24.000 That's actually cool.

00:20:26.000 Dude, that was one of your finest hours.

00:20:29.000 The Pepsi Spice days.

00:20:30.000 I did that on Paintbrush.

00:20:35.000 But what would you do if you had to have like a confrontation?

00:20:38.000 Does he have a confrontation with his brother?

00:20:40.000 I assume he does.

00:20:41.000 Probably.

00:20:43.000 That's the only thing that I would think would be the issue.

00:20:45.000 It was like you fighting with you.

00:20:48.000 Because that would be really hard to mesh together.

00:20:52.000 But otherwise, if it's just you in a separate scene, or you in a scene with two of you, you just have to do the scene twice.

00:20:59.000 Yeah.

00:20:59.000 But still, they have to combine it.

00:21:00.000 They have to move you around.

00:21:01.000 You have to do one, and then probably they play back your thing when you're talking to it. 1.00

00:21:08.000 But shit. 1.00

00:21:10.000 God. 1.00

00:21:11.000 You ever seen Bronson?

00:21:12.000 Yes.

00:21:13.000 Amazing.

00:21:14.000 Yeah.

00:21:14.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:21:15.000 He was really good in that.

00:21:16.000 He's good in everything.

00:21:17.000 He's just one of those guys.

00:21:19.000 He just knows how to do it.

00:21:21.000 Yeah.

00:21:23.000 Yeah, it's a weird type of respect we have for people also that come from other countries.

00:21:31.000 I mean, Americans love Americans, but we also hold people from other countries.

00:21:37.000 If you have an English accent, we'll cut you a lot of slack. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Oh my god!

00:21:41.000 More than ever, can I tell you something?

00:21:43.000 Oh my god.

00:21:44.000 No, this has been infuriating me lately.

00:21:47.000 It's everybody.

00:21:49.000 They're everywhere.

00:21:50.000 There's British accents everywhere.

00:21:52.000 Everywhere.

00:21:53.000 Every show.

00:21:54.000 Because I only watch normal TV when I'm at a hotel.

00:21:57.000 And I've been doing the road a lot lately.

00:22:00.000 So I've been stuck watching commercials for the first time.

00:22:04.000 Anyway.

00:22:06.000 First world problems.

00:22:07.000 I watch this James Corden or whatever.

00:22:11.000 Corbin?

00:22:11.000 Yeah.

00:22:12.000 Yeah.

00:22:13.000 Who's he?

00:22:14.000 He's the guy that just took over for Craig Ferguson.

00:22:16.000 Oh.

00:22:17.000 Who also had an accent.

00:22:18.000 Everybody has an accent now. 0.99

00:22:19.000 Yeah.

00:22:20.000 On everything.

00:22:21.000 Didn't you think Craig Ferguson was good, though?

00:22:22.000 I liked Craig Ferguson.

00:22:23.000 I thought he was really good.

00:22:24.000 Totally good.

00:22:25.000 He brought a different element when it was the Britney Spears thing.

00:22:29.000 When that Britney Spears thing was going on and she was shaving her head, and he was like, why are we doing this?

00:22:33.000 Why would we attack this girl?

00:22:36.000 And I think, in a lot of ways, his...

00:22:40.000 Like sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of like cracking jokes about it when it was like She was shaving her head and there's like you're looking at a person that's having some some serious stress and mental problems Probably and all we're doing is just piling on to that and he made this like really reasonable Measured plea and I remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't a That didn't seem like some fake,

00:23:08.000 pumped-up PR move to try to get people to view him a different way.

00:23:14.000 It seemed very genuine.

00:23:16.000 Unfortunately, Britney Spears wasn't watching Craig Ferguson, so the message never got through.

00:23:21.000 You know, people did leave her alone. 0.99

00:23:23.000 They kind of leave her alone now, but she was obviously having some sort of a breakdown.

00:23:27.000 Yeah.

00:23:27.000 There was something going on.

00:23:29.000 And I don't know if anybody could ever be expected to respond well to the kind of stress that someone in her position endures. 1.00

00:23:37.000 She's like some stupid, crazy superstar. 1.00

00:23:40.000 Like a Beyonce-type character or Jay-Z. That kind of stress level's got to be insane. 1.00

00:23:47.000 Yeah.

00:23:48.000 She's calmed down a lot, right?

00:23:50.000 She does that thing in Vegas now. 1.00

00:23:52.000 She does like a Vegas show. 1.00

00:23:54.000 Were you a fan of Craig Ferguson's show?

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:57.000 He's good.

00:23:57.000 Do you know the robot, the guy that played the robot in it?

00:24:01.000 His name is Josh Robert Thompson.

00:24:03.000 And he played the robot for whatever, 11 years on that show or however long that show is.

00:24:07.000 And he kind of got screwed by the show because no one knows who he was.

00:24:12.000 They never said, hey, by the way, this is him.

00:24:14.000 So this guy, he's on Periscope all the time.

00:24:17.000 Really interesting guy.

00:24:20.000 Check him out.

00:24:20.000 He's just really...

00:24:21.000 What's his name again?

00:24:22.000 It's really sad though.

00:24:23.000 His name's Josh Robert Thompson. 0.97

00:24:25.000 And it's just like, imagine being on a fucking Tonight Show where no one knew who you were the whole time. 0.98

00:24:30.000 Right. 0.99

00:24:31.000 So does he just complain about this on his Periscope?

00:24:34.000 No, I mean... 0.97

00:24:36.000 He does seem like he's always getting screwed.

00:24:39.000 He just released this new video the other day with George Lucas, and it has our friend...

00:24:43.000 What's the guy with the really built body that used to be a writer on that show?

00:24:49.000 He's been on Kill Tony before. 0.99

00:24:51.000 Fuck, I can't remember. 1.00

00:24:52.000 Really good body. 1.00

00:24:53.000 Remember, he always takes off his shirt and is like a six-pack.

00:24:57.000 Oh, Bob Oshack.

00:24:58.000 Yeah, Bob Oshack.

00:24:59.000 So Bob Oshack did a video with...

00:25:01.000 I would have never thought you were talking about Bob Oshack. 0.98

00:25:05.000 Some gay porn star that's infiltrated the comedy star. 0.99

00:25:08.000 I'm preparing myself for future encounters. 1.00

00:25:11.000 Like, what is going on?

00:25:12.000 This is what Brian considers a guy with a good body.

00:25:15.000 Bob Oshack.

00:25:16.000 Have you seen Bob Oshack's stomach?

00:25:18.000 He's very fit.

00:25:19.000 He works out.

00:25:20.000 He's very healthy.

00:25:21.000 Bob Oshack might be the nicest guy that's ever lived.

00:25:24.000 Oh, totally.

00:25:25.000 If he's not the nicest, he's in the top ten of nicest people of all time.

00:25:28.000 I love him.

00:25:29.000 But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas on his ranch, and he looks just like George Lucas.

00:25:39.000 Wow.

00:25:40.000 Fun little.

00:25:41.000 Oh yeah, I think I saw some of that.

00:25:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:25:43.000 Dude, he's a funny fucking guy, Bob O'Shack. 0.99

00:25:46.000 I love him. 0.99

00:25:47.000 Yeah.

00:25:48.000 One of the best.

00:25:48.000 He should be doing a podcast, right?

00:25:50.000 Don't you think?

00:25:51.000 I was supposed to start mine with him.

00:25:53.000 He was going to be my co-host, and then I decided not to have a co-host at the last minute.

00:25:56.000 He also was really busy.

00:25:58.000 It's not like you have 50 different things you have to do all day long.

00:26:01.000 You could do another podcast once a week with him.

00:26:03.000 He's a great guy, too.

00:26:05.000 Or he could do one on his own, too.

00:26:07.000 He's one of the best guys.

00:26:07.000 He's a great guy.

00:26:08.000 He's such a good dude.

00:26:10.000 Yeah.

00:26:10.000 On Kill Tony?

00:26:11.000 Yeah.

00:26:12.000 He's so sharp.

00:26:13.000 And he just loves joke writing so much.

00:26:17.000 Yeah, he does.

00:26:17.000 And so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever, he'll just go, you know, if you go, and the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline, but it's all restructured, he just repeats it back because he has that math brain that's just like...

00:26:32.000 Yeah.

00:26:34.000 He's notoriously one of the most respected comedy writers around town.

00:26:39.000 Writing gigs that I've done, he's come up in every writer's room and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshak and how cool and nice he is.

00:26:49.000 That's awesome.

00:26:50.000 That's so good to hear.

00:26:52.000 He's always a good, you say good stomach, good six-pack?

00:26:55.000 Yeah, it always organically happens.

00:26:58.000 Way better than that Maguire stomach.

00:27:00.000 Maguire?

00:27:01.000 Chris Maguire.

00:27:02.000 Who?

00:27:03.000 Chris Maguire.

00:27:04.000 Oh, Chris McGuire's stomach?

00:27:05.000 How's that?

00:27:06.000 I've never seen Chris's.

00:27:07.000 Seems like he's a normal guy?

00:27:08.000 The only one I ever see.

00:27:10.000 How do you get a Chris McGuire's stomach reference?

00:27:13.000 That might be the most difficult to put your head around.

00:27:16.000 If you don't know, Chris McGuire is a funny stand-up comedian.

00:27:19.000 He doesn't have an unusual stomach.

00:27:21.000 He looks like a normal guy.

00:27:24.000 If he's standing there... 1.00

00:27:26.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:27:28.000 ...to be sure that that was his. 1.00

00:27:29.000 If you saw Joey Diaz's stomach in a side view, you're like, yeah, that looks like we're outright.

00:27:35.000 That's about Joey.

00:27:36.000 If you saw a silhouette and someone said, whose stomach is that?

00:27:39.000 You wouldn't go Tony Hinchcliffe.

00:27:40.000 Right. 1.00

00:27:40.000 But Chris McGuire, fuck, man. 1.00

00:27:43.000 It could be Jamie. 1.00

00:27:44.000 It could be Chris McGuire.

00:27:45.000 Now I want to know.

00:27:46.000 Now I want to see it.

00:27:47.000 It's normal. 1.00

00:27:48.000 I want to see your dick. 1.00

00:27:49.000 I want to see your dick. 1.00

00:27:52.000 I want to see his stomach. 1.00

00:27:52.000 Yeah, he's a great guy, too. 1.00

00:27:54.000 Chris McGuire.

00:27:55.000 Him, Greg Fitzsimmons, and I started out within a week of each other.

00:27:58.000 That's so crazy.

00:27:59.000 Yeah.

00:28:00.000 It's interesting.

00:28:01.000 It's interesting all these years later.

00:28:03.000 I have that same thing with a few guys, and it's amazing because there's definitely a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time.

00:28:11.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:28:12.000 And you've known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible, totally incompetent, but just starry-eyed for the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together. 0.84

00:28:25.000 And there's nothing more fun than when you see one of those guys doing something cool. 0.93

00:28:29.000 Yeah.

00:28:29.000 Well, it's cool just seeing comics do something cool.

00:28:32.000 And we've all been talking about this at the store lately, that this is one of the things about this generation and this era, as it were.

00:28:40.000 Is that a good thing to say?

00:28:42.000 This era of comedy?

00:28:43.000 But this time.

00:28:44.000 Comics are real supportive of each other, and I don't think that ever existed before.

00:28:49.000 There wasn't a bunch of comics promoting each other on shows.

00:28:52.000 Like the way people are now, it didn't really exist before because there were so few spots.

00:28:57.000 Like if you got on TV, you had to covet it.

00:28:59.000 You had to, this is mine.

00:29:00.000 It was like this famine mentality.

00:29:02.000 Yeah.

00:29:03.000 But now that a lot of what we're doing is internet driven, whether it's your Netflix special, which comes out this Friday.

00:29:10.000 Yeah.

00:29:11.000 January 18th?

00:29:12.000 15th.

00:29:13.000 15th.

00:29:13.000 January 15th.

00:29:14.000 One shot.

00:29:15.000 It's available this Friday. 0.96

00:29:18.000 Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet-based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet-based specials.

00:29:27.000 And television shows that are internet-based. 0.96

00:29:29.000 I mean, Netflix is just, they have so much fucking programming now.

00:29:32.000 There's so many different things that you can watch that are internet-based that I think comics have, like most of us, have gotten to podcasts. 0.96

00:29:40.000 A giant amount of us.

00:29:42.000 And you realize, like, this is way more fun and way easier to do than a television show.

00:29:46.000 Yeah.

00:29:47.000 And through that, everybody says, yeah, you should do it too, and you should do it too, and they all do it together.

00:29:52.000 And you develop this weird network.

00:29:54.000 And this is like a network of supporters.

00:29:57.000 So I think when we all see someone who's doing really good, you know, it's interesting.

00:30:02.000 It's interesting to watch.

00:30:04.000 It's like, ooh, it's happening again.

00:30:05.000 Yeah.

00:30:06.000 You know?

00:30:07.000 It's amazing.

00:30:08.000 Brian, your new podcast was in the top 15. Yeah, it got down to seven at one point.

00:30:12.000 Really?

00:30:12.000 That's amazing.

00:30:13.000 Sage Francis is really amazing.

00:30:15.000 We had him on the second episode.

00:30:17.000 That's awesome, dude.

00:30:18.000 I'm so glad you decided to do it, too.

00:30:20.000 Because you have a very unusual sense of humor that a lot of people like.

00:30:25.000 It's like trying to find the right vehicle for it.

00:30:29.000 It's like, I think the right vehicle for you is just do your own thing.

00:30:33.000 Do your own thing. 0.98

00:30:34.000 And when you do do it, it's fucking fun. 0.99

00:30:37.000 Because you get to be free. 0.98

00:30:38.000 You get to be you. 1.00

00:30:40.000 You're just such a silly weirdo. 0.99

00:30:42.000 And I'm trying to lose 40 pounds in three months, the first three months of the episode. 0.99

00:30:46.000 So I weigh in every episode.

00:30:48.000 And today I weighed in 14 pounds less since January 1st.

00:30:52.000 Wow.

00:30:53.000 That's awesome, man.

00:30:54.000 I love doing these with you, too.

00:30:55.000 I mean, it's always fun.

00:30:56.000 We always have a good time.

00:30:57.000 It's always silly, but I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that it's gonna be I think it's gonna be real successful It's gonna be and so it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say I want to talk to this Interesting person.

00:31:12.000 I want to talk to this cool guy Like maybe I can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to this person and as a per as a human being If you're allowed to pursue your interests like that, it's very enriching. 0.74

00:31:25.000 And I think what the audience gets out of it, and that's such a fucking pompous word, but that is what it's like.

00:31:30.000 It's enriching. 0.94

00:31:31.000 And what the audience gets out of it, it's like they get to go on this really cool adventure with you.

00:31:37.000 And some of the best aspects of the adventure, like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people, they get to be in on them.

00:31:44.000 We're good to go.

00:32:02.000 If you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, I don't pay attention to football.

00:32:06.000 It's the only part I can't listen to when he starts talking about football and they should have done this and the defense was that. 1.00

00:32:11.000 Because he's a football fucking fanatic. 0.98

00:32:13.000 But the rest of it is just Bill talking about how he's living his life and how he's going through his life. 0.99

00:32:20.000 And it's really interesting.

00:32:23.000 It's really interesting to follow someone, follow their interests, follow, like, what's curious to them.

00:32:30.000 Like, when you don't have any other agenda.

00:32:32.000 Like, when your agenda isn't, man, we need to get good ratings, we need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of, which is how you think of, like, every other talk show, right?

00:32:43.000 They all become almost generic in a way.

00:32:45.000 Because even, like, Letterman, who is, like, fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of, like, shitty stuff, And a smart guy, like, didn't like his own stuff half the time. 0.99

00:32:55.000 He would do his own show, and it would be brilliant, and he'd be like, fuck, I hate myself. 0.99

00:32:59.000 Like, he was crazy like that, right? 0.99

00:33:01.000 That was, like, the thing about Letterman.

00:33:02.000 But who did he have on his show?

00:33:04.000 Like, regular people, man. 1.00

00:33:06.000 Who's selling a fucking movie? 1.00

00:33:07.000 Who's selling a song? 1.00

00:33:08.000 Who's selling a this?

00:33:09.000 Who's got a TV show?

00:33:11.000 It's the same thing.

00:33:12.000 So Dave would have humorous conversations with these people and say funny stuff, but the bottom line is that's not who he chooses.

00:33:20.000 That's not what he wants to do.

00:33:22.000 If you could say, all cost aside, all consideration of ratings aside, who would you want to talk to, Dave?

00:33:28.000 Then you would get a chance to see.

00:33:30.000 But the way the system is set up, even though it's a fantastic system if it works out, and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show, which I think is excellent, I think Jimmy Fallon's the best Tonight Show guy ever.

00:33:41.000 I have a showcase for it tonight.

00:33:42.000 Really?

00:33:43.000 I think he's the best. 0.99

00:33:45.000 He's fucking great. 0.98

00:33:46.000 I can't talk about anything that I've been working on. 0.99

00:33:49.000 That's what's funny, though.

00:33:50.000 I have this brand new 15-minute chunk that I'm just in love with right now. 0.99

00:33:54.000 It's just expanding and breathing, and I'm talking about crazy, crazy shit. 0.96

00:34:00.000 But I thought I was thinking about it on the way here because I just got the call. 0.96

00:34:03.000 My manager's like, hey, are you available to do a Tonight Show showcase tonight?

00:34:07.000 And I'm literally like, yeah, heck yeah.

00:34:09.000 And I get off the phone and I start thinking about everything I've been working out.

00:34:12.000 And I know for a fact I can't do any of it.

00:34:15.000 Not a single bit. 0.98

00:34:16.000 That sucks. 0.97

00:34:17.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:34:17.000 I know that feeling. 0.96

00:34:18.000 You get these new weapons.

00:34:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:20.000 And they're right there. 0.98

00:34:21.000 And I know I would kill harder than anybody else on this.

00:34:24.000 I don't even know who's on it, but I just know how I feel about my material right now.

00:34:29.000 I'm in championship mode.

00:34:31.000 And with this new stuff, though, that's what's crazy.

00:34:34.000 I'm going to have to really figure out and finagle something.

00:34:38.000 Well, look at it this way.

00:34:40.000 Think of The Tonight Show with no censorship.

00:34:43.000 Think of the Tonight Show on Netflix.

00:34:45.000 How good would that show be?

00:34:46.000 Totally. 0.99

00:34:47.000 How good would that show be if someone like Jamie Foxx could go on and sit next to the couch and say whatever the fuck he wants? 0.99

00:34:53.000 Someone like Mike Tyson swearing. 0.99

00:34:56.000 Why did I go with two black people? 1.00

00:34:58.000 I love your Jamie Foxx love.

00:35:00.000 I love that guy.

00:35:01.000 I think Jamie Foxx is amazing.

00:35:03.000 If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different light.

00:35:08.000 I've always thought he was insanely talented.

00:35:11.000 The fact that he could play Ray Charles, and then he played the guy with mental illness that was a homeless guy who was a musician in the Robert Downey Jr. movie. 0.99

00:35:19.000 He can act his fucking ass off. 0.99

00:35:22.000 And he's singing in Ray. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Exactly.

00:35:24.000 In Django Unchained.

00:35:25.000 I mean, unbelievable.

00:35:27.000 When you listen to the way he talks to Tim Ferriss, you kind of get an understanding of why he's the way he is. 1.00

00:35:33.000 He's just a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:35:34.000 Just a super talented, super sharp thinking dude. 1.00

00:35:39.000 Interesting.

00:35:39.000 I love that guys like that exist.

00:35:43.000 You don't necessarily want to do what they're doing, but just knowing that there's people like that That exists.

00:35:50.000 You're like, wow.

00:35:51.000 Yeah.

00:35:51.000 Real rock stars.

00:35:52.000 Mm-hmm.

00:35:53.000 Dudes are just... 0.99

00:35:54.000 They're operating on a fucking super high level with a lot of different things. 1.00

00:35:58.000 Like, Jamie Foxx can sing his ass off. 0.99

00:36:00.000 Yeah. 0.71

00:36:00.000 Like, he sings really good. 0.71

00:36:02.000 Totally.

00:36:03.000 Yeah.

00:36:03.000 It's insane.

00:36:04.000 Like, he could just do...

00:36:06.000 He could do any one of those careers regularly.

00:36:08.000 I know.

00:36:09.000 It's interesting, right?

00:36:10.000 It's interesting.

00:36:11.000 I don't know how much stand-up he does anymore, though.

00:36:14.000 I don't know.

00:36:15.000 I think you got to doing too many different things.

00:36:17.000 Stand-up is definitely one of those things where...

00:36:19.000 You got to be doing just that.

00:36:21.000 Yeah.

00:36:22.000 Yeah.

00:36:22.000 Got to work it.

00:36:24.000 If you're not doing it.

00:36:25.000 If you're not doing it all the time.

00:36:26.000 Boy, it gets slippery, huh?

00:36:28.000 Yeah.

00:36:28.000 I just took four nights off in a row for the first time in like forever.

00:36:33.000 Four nights in a row.

00:36:35.000 How'd you feel?

00:36:35.000 I felt- I came back CRUSHING! Do you think it was reinvigorating?

00:36:41.000 Animalistic!

00:36:42.000 I just saw him- I remember- it was last night. 0.98

00:36:45.000 It was my first spot in four nights and I'm just standing in the back of the room with just fucking like- I was like- I'm crazy, you know what I mean? 1.00

00:36:52.000 I just love that shit. 1.00

00:36:53.000 You're crazy. 1.00

00:36:54.000 You're so silly. 1.00

00:36:54.000 You're crazy. 1.00

00:36:55.000 But literally, like, I go up there, and it was at the Irvine Improv. 0.99

00:37:00.000 It was insane. 0.99

00:37:02.000 This lady stood up during my set at one point, because I'm talking about this one part of one thing where I talk about how Trump's gonna win this shit, and here's why. 0.99

00:37:12.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:37:13.000 And basically, like...

00:37:16.000 This lady stands up, and you can tell that I'm a comedian on a stage. 0.98

00:37:22.000 Everybody else could, but this one lady out of 200 stands up and starts waving her arms, and she's like, stop, stop, stop. 0.99

00:37:29.000 I'm like, oh shit. 0.98

00:37:31.000 But I'm still staying in the pocket going with the joke for another 10 seconds. 1.00

00:37:35.000 But she's still like, stop! 0.80

00:37:37.000 Stop! 1.00

00:37:37.000 And my jokes were killing. 1.00

00:37:39.000 So I'm like, you motherfuckers. 1.00

00:37:41.000 So I bailed out and I go, what the fuck is your problem, lady? 1.00

00:37:44.000 What's going on? 0.99

00:37:45.000 She's like, Donald Trump will never be our president.

00:37:49.000 I'm like, ooh.

00:37:50.000 What makes your opinion so big that you're talking and none of these other 200 people are yelling right now? 0.99

00:37:56.000 I go, what the fuck makes your vote such a big deal? 0.98

00:37:59.000 What do you do for a living? 1.00

00:38:00.000 And she goes, well, basically, I go, what the fuck do you do for a living? 1.00

00:38:05.000 Crowd's just going crazy. 0.99

00:38:06.000 She goes, well, right now I'm unemployed. 0.99

00:38:08.000 I go, then your vote doesn't even fucking matter. 0.97

00:38:10.000 You're not even paying taxes. 0.99

00:38:13.000 Wow, how rude.

00:38:14.000 It was this whole crazy thing.

00:38:15.000 But she ended up leaving.

00:38:17.000 Of course, she should have been kicked out.

00:38:18.000 You can't just stand up and interrupt a bit in the middle of the bit.

00:38:21.000 That's like, do you stand up at a movie and say, Don't kill Han Solo!

00:38:25.000 You don't do it!

00:38:27.000 You don't do it! 1.00

00:38:29.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:38:30.000 It's stupid. 1.00

00:38:31.000 She was flipping me off. 1.00

00:38:32.000 It was so great.

00:38:33.000 I was just destroying her entire long walk out of the Irvine improv.

00:38:37.000 It's a long walk, too.

00:38:39.000 Yeah.

00:38:40.000 Dude, come on.

00:38:41.000 So much fun.

00:38:42.000 People need to stop. 0.99

00:38:44.000 Hecklers need to fucking just not ever go see shows. 1.00

00:38:48.000 They need to stop. 0.99

00:38:49.000 Wrong guy.

00:38:50.000 I mean, you make that hour drive to Irvine.

00:38:52.000 It's just they don't know, man. 0.97

00:38:54.000 I think people, they just don't know how ridiculous that is. 0.97

00:38:57.000 You know?

00:38:58.000 I just don't think they realize that you're in the middle of this piece, and this piece has a lot of places that it has to go to.

00:39:07.000 You have to go left, and you have to go right, and you have to trick them a little bit, and then you bring it home at the end.

00:39:11.000 And this woman is in the middle of this thing, screaming out. 1.00

00:39:15.000 And it's interesting because I've tried here and there with jokes over the eight years of doing this, but I'm never really a political guy.

00:39:26.000 But with this new election thing that I'm doing right now, I feel really good about it.

00:39:31.000 But it's amazing how the different reactions that you get around the country...

00:39:37.000 Doing this stuff.

00:39:38.000 This is a charged subject, man.

00:39:40.000 It's a charged subject in a weird time.

00:39:43.000 This is probably the weirdest election ever. 0.84

00:39:46.000 Because this is the only election I can ever remember where there's only one candidate that his supporters are really fucking excited about him.

00:39:54.000 And then there's a bunch of other people that you're like, man, I don't know.

00:39:58.000 I don't know.

00:39:59.000 I mean, like...

00:40:00.000 Bernie Sanders seems like a really nice guy.

00:40:03.000 He doesn't seem evil at all.

00:40:05.000 Maybe he's the best of all the choices available, except for people who make money.

00:40:11.000 I'd love it if he got in. 0.99

00:40:13.000 I'd love it if he just won the election and was just like, I was just fucking with you guys the whole time. 1.00

00:40:19.000 I'm an old white man. 1.00

00:40:21.000 Go fuck yourselves. 1.00

00:40:22.000 Back to the old system. 1.00

00:40:24.000 I don't think he would survive.

00:40:26.000 I mean, he already looks like he's done a few terms.

00:40:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:40:29.000 He does, right?

00:40:30.000 All these other presidents go in there looking good, you know, dark brown hair, and then they all come out looking like...

00:40:38.000 What's his name?

00:40:39.000 Not who we're talking about.

00:40:41.000 Well, Obama.

00:40:41.000 Look at Obama.

00:40:42.000 Yeah.

00:40:42.000 We've shown side-by-side images of him from 2009 to 2015. It's crazy.

00:40:48.000 He looks like he's aged like 20-plus years.

00:40:51.000 Yeah.

00:40:51.000 Easily.

00:40:52.000 It's a hard job, man.

00:40:53.000 I don't think anybody can do it. 1.00

00:40:55.000 I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is stupid. 1.00

00:41:03.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

00:41:04.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:41:05.000 Like, why would you have one person be in charge of anything?

00:41:08.000 Why not have, like, a gigantic team of people and why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis be tuned in to this gigantic group of people with, of course, reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke,

00:41:27.000 you know, some country or something like that.

00:41:28.000 And for that system to change, what's amazing is, like, I think that we would have to have Well,

00:41:45.000 there's some other things he says, like, I actually can...

00:41:49.000 Like the other day, I don't know, I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in. 0.67

00:41:59.000 That's all that I saw. 1.00

00:42:01.000 And at first I'm like, yeah, what an idiotic thing to say. 0.99

00:42:04.000 And then I thought about it and it's like, well, they did let what? 0.99

00:42:07.000 Like a million people in or something crazy?

00:42:10.000 Well, there's a real issue in Germany.

00:42:12.000 Yeah.

00:42:12.000 And the mayor of Cologne...

00:42:16.000 Which is in this insane move was telling women how they should behave around these men and that they should stay within arm's length It's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:42:29.000 It's victim blaming. 0.92

00:42:30.000 I mean, they're resorting to victim blaming to try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've let in a bunch of people from another culture who behave differently.

00:42:40.000 It's maybe not their fault.

00:42:42.000 Maybe, let's look at it this way.

00:42:43.000 This is the way they lived in their other country. 0.73

00:42:47.000 They're coming into your country, they're going to behave the way they've behaved all 37 years of their life. 0.91

00:42:51.000 Yeah.

00:42:52.000 Because that's what they do.

00:42:53.000 And so now you have to deal with that in your culture. 0.99

00:42:55.000 And the way to deal with it is not to say women should fucking stay arm's length away from these people. 0.96

00:43:00.000 It's to educate these people about the rules of this place. 0.98

00:43:04.000 You can't do that.

00:43:05.000 You can't just sexually assault women. 1.00

00:43:07.000 Girls could dress however the fuck they want. 1.00

00:43:09.000 And you can't tell those girls, now you're on your own. 0.99

00:43:12.000 You just have to stay arm's length away from somebody.

00:43:14.000 You can't.

00:43:15.000 Because everybody's so scared of being racist.

00:43:17.000 Everybody's so scared of being Islamophobic that they don't want to point out...

00:43:21.000 Forget about ideologies.

00:43:23.000 Or forget about skin color, people of origin.

00:43:26.000 You have some people that are doing something that's not good to some people that haven't had these things done to them like this before.

00:43:32.000 You've got to figure out what to do.

00:43:34.000 You let in a different culture.

00:43:36.000 It's not their fault.

00:43:38.000 But it is.

00:43:39.000 It is what it is.

00:43:40.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:43:41.000 You can't deny that it exists.

00:43:43.000 It is.

00:43:44.000 It is a thing.

00:43:46.000 And there's a lot of people that are pointing to letting people like that in this country.

00:43:55.000 And they're saying, well, what are we going to do?

00:43:57.000 What are we going to do if Syrian refugees come into America? 1.00

00:44:00.000 Yeah.

00:44:00.000 Are we just going to invite a million Syrian refugees in America?

00:44:03.000 And if you look at the history of America, that's what people have always done.

00:44:08.000 We've always let in people from other countries who are trying to get away. 1.00

00:44:11.000 I mean, that's how this country got founded.

00:44:12.000 So ideally, we'd all want to say, yeah, these are the people that are running away from the people that are doing terrible things to them. 0.98

00:44:18.000 But you're going to get some shitheads. 0.99

00:44:20.000 You're definitely going to get some shitheads. 0.99

00:44:22.000 So how do you deal with that? 0.99

00:44:23.000 That's a good question.

00:44:24.000 I don't think that's a question for one person.

00:44:25.000 I mean, even one person in a cabinet and one person has, like, veto power and what... 0.99

00:44:30.000 Man, I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems, alcoholism, all of the above. 1.00

00:44:44.000 If you're testing mixed martial arts fighters to see if they're on steroids, you should be testing congressmen and senators to see if they're fucking crazy. 1.00

00:44:53.000 What are they on? 1.00

00:44:54.000 What kind of fucking antidepressants are you on that's affecting your judgment? 1.00

00:44:58.000 How often do you take Valium? 1.00

00:44:59.000 How often do you take Ambien to go to sleep?

00:45:02.000 What happens?

00:45:03.000 Do you lose a sleep cycle there or something?

00:45:05.000 Is there some wacky non-sleep that's going on when you're Ambien'd out of your head?

00:45:08.000 Oh yeah.

00:45:09.000 Viagra, these congressmen.

00:45:11.000 What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony?

00:45:11.000 All the blood rushing down.

00:45:13.000 What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony?

00:45:15.000 Making their wieners bigger.

00:45:17.000 Wow.

00:45:18.000 You sure?

00:45:18.000 Yeah, I think.

00:45:20.000 Jesus.

00:45:24.000 Yeah.

00:45:28.000 Congressmen and senators and representatives, state representatives.

00:45:32.000 This is a representative government.

00:45:34.000 It's all a weird popularity contest.

00:45:36.000 Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor.

00:45:39.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:45:41.000 But it does.

00:45:42.000 He's a fiscally conservative guy who's open-minded in the sense of socially open-minded, in terms of how he views gay people and even recreational drug use and things along those lines.

00:45:55.000 He's very open-minded, almost like with a libertarian bent, but a Republican.

00:46:00.000 So it actually, he wasn't a bad choice.

00:46:01.000 He didn't do a great job.

00:46:03.000 But guess what? 0.99

00:46:04.000 You're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit, and if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff. 0.99

00:46:11.000 Like, you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like someone like you or I, Have zero political aspirations or motivations. 0.99

00:46:19.000 Once you get in, man, you're dealing with this insane system of how things get done and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through.

00:46:39.000 You watch House of Cards?

00:46:40.000 Yeah, I just started.

00:46:42.000 Oh my god.

00:46:42.000 That's my favorite thing.

00:46:44.000 I don't know how accurate it is, but if it's even fucking 10%, we're doomed. 0.98

00:46:47.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.92

00:46:49.000 If it's even 10%, it's a great show, though.

00:46:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:52.000 Kevin Spacey's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:46:54.000 Yeah, I love it when he looks at the camera and just starts talking. 1.00

00:46:56.000 Yeah.

00:46:57.000 He's another one.

00:46:58.000 He's a different guy in this.

00:46:59.000 He's a different guy in this show with a very distinct accent, and you buy it.

00:47:04.000 You're not going, like, that's Kevin Spacey.

00:47:06.000 Right.

00:47:06.000 He just becomes that person.

00:47:08.000 He becomes another person.

00:47:09.000 Frank Underwood.

00:47:11.000 What's going on with that shirt, Brian?

00:47:12.000 What is that?

00:47:13.000 What?

00:47:14.000 Oh, the security guard shirt?

00:47:16.000 Is that what it is?

00:47:17.000 Yeah, I got it.

00:47:17.000 Thrift store.

00:47:18.000 It's funny when I wear it, because, like, I went to Starbucks and, like, Mexicans gave me double looks real quick.

00:47:23.000 It was pretty funny.

00:47:24.000 They thought you were security?

00:47:25.000 Wow.

00:47:25.000 How rude.

00:47:26.000 That's so racist.

00:47:27.000 But it happened twice.

00:47:28.000 Today, it happened twice.

00:47:31.000 Why is it that they chose a blue color with like a dark blue pocket thing for security?

00:47:37.000 That's universal.

00:47:38.000 It looks like he got his badge ripped off him.

00:47:41.000 And a violent struggle.

00:47:42.000 Maybe he did it himself when he quit. 1.00

00:47:44.000 Fuck this job! 1.00

00:47:46.000 Yeah, that's what you want to do when you quit the sheriff's department, right? 1.00

00:47:48.000 You pull that star off and you throw it on the ground.

00:47:50.000 I'm done.

00:47:52.000 You've watched Making a Murderer, right?

00:47:54.000 I have not watched Making a Murderer.

00:47:55.000 Oh, wow.

00:47:56.000 I know, I keep hearing it.

00:47:57.000 Oh, wow.

00:47:58.000 I watched Soaked in Bleach.

00:47:59.000 Yeah, that's good.

00:48:00.000 Yeah.

00:48:01.000 Drop it.

00:48:01.000 I was going to say what you think about that.

00:48:02.000 Soaked in Bleach?

00:48:03.000 Yeah, like...

00:48:06.000 There's a lot in that movie, man.

00:48:09.000 That's the movie that alleges that Courtney Love was involved in some way in Kurt Cobain's death.

00:48:14.000 It's too long of a movie, but yeah.

00:48:16.000 It's too long?

00:48:17.000 Yeah, if you watch the other movie and then watch that movie.

00:48:20.000 Which other movie?

00:48:21.000 The official one that his daughter made, Frances, what is it called again?

00:48:25.000 Montage.

00:48:26.000 Montage of Heck.

00:48:27.000 Yeah, that's the HBO one, right?

00:48:29.000 Right.

00:48:29.000 That seems more like closer to what I think really happened.

00:48:34.000 I didn't see that one.

00:48:35.000 Just drugs and it doesn't make Courtney look like she's murdering. 1.00

00:48:39.000 It just looks like he wanted to kill himself the whole time and he put it in his lyrics.

00:48:42.000 He wrote about it.

00:48:45.000 It was like it was going to happen.

00:48:47.000 I mean, that's what that movie made it seem more like.

00:48:49.000 It's so hard to decipher.

00:48:52.000 When someone's gone, what they actually thought and what they actually were like.

00:48:57.000 Because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it.

00:49:09.000 Like if it was made by his daughter, she wasn't alive when he was doing that.

00:49:13.000 So she's getting it from other people who were there, who, you know...

00:49:17.000 He's getting it from his own music and journals.

00:49:21.000 It has home movies and it has everything in it.

00:49:25.000 I believe that.

00:49:26.000 I feel like Montage of Heck is like a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Soaked in Bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him.

00:49:36.000 I'll tell you this, is that no matter what happened, it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that.

00:49:42.000 To walk in on some guy that just killed himself that's worth God only knows what.

00:49:49.000 I don't even know if they say during that, but...

00:49:51.000 You know, his collection has to be worth, what, at least a hundred million dollars or something crazy.

00:49:56.000 Well, it was just a bad police department.

00:49:59.000 Yeah.

00:49:59.000 It was just, what it was is a high-profile case in a bad police department.

00:50:03.000 But now, imagine that they had probably been running that police department in a shitty way for as long as that guy had been running it.

00:50:09.000 Yeah.

00:50:09.000 Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny, and again, this is in 1994, right?

00:50:18.000 Yeah.

00:50:19.000 You know, today, it would be a different animal.

00:50:21.000 Today, it would be in social media, and it would blow up, and it'd be gigantic, and it'd be way more scrutiny.

00:50:26.000 But back then, they could kind of consolidate everything.

00:50:28.000 They could compartmentalize everything. 0.92

00:50:30.000 And they just shitted the whole thing up.

00:50:32.000 Their accounts differed from the first responders' accounts.

00:50:36.000 Their description of the room differed.

00:50:38.000 There's so much of it that was off.

00:50:40.000 They were terrible.

00:50:43.000 It was just they had never done a high-profile case, so their terrible police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't, like, the victim of it. 0.98

00:50:51.000 You know, someone who, I mean, I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case, they probably fucked up other ones as well. 0.99

00:50:56.000 You're gonna shit yourself when you watch this show, man. 0.99

00:50:58.000 You should just cut all the shows off right now and just watch the first episode, and you will... 1.00

00:51:02.000 Making a murderer? 0.98

00:51:02.000 Yeah, you will go crazy. 0.98

00:51:04.000 That's what I keep hearing.

00:51:05.000 You'll have podcasts for weeks about it.

00:51:07.000 I'm scared. 1.00

00:51:07.000 I'm scared to dive deep into this fucking poor guy's life. 1.00

00:51:11.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:51:12.000 It's unbelievable.

00:51:13.000 Hey man, police officers are people.

00:51:16.000 That's it.

00:51:16.000 There's gonna be real good ones and real bad ones.

00:51:18.000 There's no doubt about it. 0.99

00:51:20.000 And just because you get through the fucking academy tests and get into the position doesn't mean you've got your shit together or you're worthy. 1.00

00:51:29.000 It just means you didn't fuck up yet. 1.00

00:51:30.000 And just because you're a cop doesn't mean you're a bad person. 0.99

00:51:33.000 There's a lot of cops that are fucking awesome.

00:51:34.000 They're great people. 0.93

00:51:35.000 And that's a job that they think is important.

00:51:39.000 It's a job that they think is very beneficial to our society.

00:51:41.000 And they do it the best they can.

00:51:44.000 And those people are important.

00:51:45.000 Those people are the ones that get overlooked.

00:51:47.000 And when you see terrible cops doing terrible things, when you see terrible people doing terrible things, do you give up on people? 1.00

00:51:54.000 Do you say, fuck man, I hate people now. 1.00

00:51:56.000 Some guy just stomped a kitten to death on a YouTube video. 1.00

00:51:58.000 I hate people. 1.00

00:51:59.000 I hate people. 1.00

00:52:00.000 I can't, I fucking, I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. 1.00

00:52:02.000 That's ridiculous, because most of us would never do that. 0.99

00:52:05.000 And I think that's the same thing with cops. 1.00

00:52:07.000 There's a lot of fucking cops. 0.99

00:52:08.000 And they're dealing with a lot of interactions every day. 1.00

00:52:11.000 Every day, all day long, you're dealing with people stealing things, people doing things to people, and people who might do things to you.

00:52:19.000 And they're just overwhelmed with stress all the time.

00:52:23.000 Especially now that the media is coming out of hard.

00:52:25.000 A lot of them are bad.

00:52:27.000 I just spent a couple days on a top-secret project, but with cops.

00:52:33.000 I learned so much.

00:52:35.000 You learn a lot immediately about the current perception.

00:52:39.000 They're very defensive and it's incredible to watch.

00:52:45.000 So it got me more into...

00:52:47.000 I've been watching a lot of these police shootings and things.

00:52:50.000 There's not many where...

00:52:52.000 You know, if you're going for a gun, if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like, take your hand out of your pocket, you have to take your hand out of your pocket.

00:53:00.000 I don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately.

00:53:04.000 And I get it.

00:53:04.000 There's like mental health issues and stuff.

00:53:06.000 And I think that's the exception to it.

00:53:09.000 And yeah, sometimes it's totally like you said, incident to incident.

00:53:12.000 But the media really...

00:53:15.000 Really messed up the cops, man.

00:53:17.000 Everybody's on edge with them right now. 0.99

00:53:19.000 Well, how can you see the media mess them up when there's all these videos of cops shooting people for no reason, doing terrible shit like planting evidence. 0.97

00:53:27.000 That guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him. 0.94

00:53:31.000 There's a lot of really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things.

00:53:36.000 I think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective.

00:53:39.000 The media's not doing anything wrong by reporting these things.

00:53:41.000 They're making those cops accountable. 0.99

00:53:43.000 Right.

00:53:44.000 But I think what we have to be really careful is blaming all cops.

00:53:46.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:53:47.000 That's where it's fucked up. 0.92

00:53:48.000 And I think that's where, like, the media makes it a little bit blander than just the specific guy. 0.92

00:53:53.000 Right.

00:53:53.000 They use the word police instead of officer blah blah blah.

00:53:56.000 Well, how about this?

00:53:57.000 Like, if you saw something and you saw a cop, like, in a YouTube video do something...

00:54:03.000 He did something terrible.

00:54:04.000 When you see another cop, that guy, you're not in the same city.

00:54:08.000 You don't even know this guy.

00:54:09.000 This guy's just a person.

00:54:11.000 You don't make him responsible for something that some guy did in North Carolina, but kind of people do.

00:54:17.000 Kind of people do. 1.00

00:54:18.000 If you go and watch some YouTube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the Oakland subway, and then all of a sudden you're in downtown LA and some cop looks at you funny like a fucking pig. 0.99

00:54:28.000 You know, like, you hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely has never met in his life. 0.99

00:54:35.000 Imagine if we did that with people. 1.00

00:54:36.000 Imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York, and you're down in Florida, and you're like, you fucking piece of shit, and this guy's like, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:54:44.000 I know what you are, man. 1.00

00:54:45.000 You're a fucking person. 1.00

00:54:46.000 You're a regular dude with a dick, and I know what that guy did in New York, and you're just like him. 1.00

00:54:50.000 Like, what? 1.00

00:54:51.000 This one cop told me, you know, like a kid ran up to him the other day, like he's walking down a sidewalk or whatever.

00:54:58.000 Donut shop or somewhere.

00:55:00.000 And a little kid walks up and is like, hey, you know, hi, Mr. Officer.

00:55:04.000 Like a little, like, you know, three or four year old.

00:55:07.000 And some lady walks over and she grabs her little boy and is like, no, you stay away from these, you know, murders like that.

00:55:15.000 And had an in-depth talk with this police officer.

00:55:20.000 And it's like...

00:55:21.000 Not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of things that they're being taught about police officers right now.

00:55:35.000 I think that there's two ways I look at it.

00:55:37.000 I think in one way I look at it that the police are necessary and that we need police because we have too much crime and we have too much violence.

00:55:44.000 The way it is now is like they're our shield that protects us from...

00:55:51.000 Bad people.

00:55:52.000 But another part of me looks at it and says that The dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic.

00:56:05.000 The dynamic in and of itself can create conflict.

00:56:09.000 Because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you, who has ultimate power over you, and who, if the chips go down the wrong way, they might shoot you and kill you.

00:56:22.000 And they can get away with that.

00:56:24.000 And they could say you attacked them or you were reaching for something they thought was a gun.

00:56:28.000 Who knows what kind of personal vendetta they might have against you.

00:56:31.000 Who knows what kind of stress they might have been under when they pulled the trigger.

00:56:35.000 But they could do it to you.

00:56:37.000 They're allowed to have a gun on them.

00:56:38.000 And you can't.

00:56:40.000 Even if you're a guy who's never done anything wrong and you're walking around, you're gonna feel weird around cops.

00:56:44.000 Like, maybe you'll respect them.

00:56:47.000 Intellectually, you'll say, thank you for your service.

00:56:49.000 I appreciate everything you guys are doing.

00:56:51.000 Stay safe. 1.00

00:56:51.000 But in the back of your head, you fucking know that if things got ugly, they could shoot you. 1.00

00:56:56.000 Like, if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them, you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical, they'll gun you down. 1.00

00:57:08.000 They'll gun your dog down. 0.98

00:57:09.000 If your dog starts running at them and barking, we've seen videos of that.

00:57:13.000 Adrenaline, man.

00:57:13.000 That really just puts a blanket on your head.

00:57:16.000 That's like when people say, you know, get your hand out of your pocket.

00:57:19.000 Man, that guy's adrenaline's overtaken his body to the point he doesn't understand words.

00:57:24.000 I mean, I got robbed.

00:57:25.000 I had no idea what was going on.

00:57:26.000 Exactly.

00:57:28.000 That's a real good point.

00:57:29.000 It's a real good point as far as the people they pull over.

00:57:32.000 When you get a jolt of adrenaline.

00:57:35.000 Yeah, and I feel like I'm shady when the cop comes up.

00:57:38.000 I know.

00:57:38.000 And there's like nothing even going, you know what I mean?

00:57:41.000 I'm just like...

00:57:42.000 I know.

00:57:42.000 And all of a sudden I'll be like turning down the radio and they're like, take your hand out of the middle there, put your hand on the steering wheel.

00:57:47.000 I'm like, oh god.

00:57:49.000 And then my hands go up, you know what I mean?

00:57:51.000 I said the steering wheel.

00:57:53.000 It's like I haven't even seen this guy yet.

00:57:55.000 Yeah.

00:57:56.000 It is.

00:57:57.000 It's really, it just takes over everything. 0.93

00:57:59.000 Yeah, and imagine, you know, you pull someone over, and there's some Brock Lesnar-looking motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat, and he doesn't want to make eye contact to you, and says, what did I do wrong, officer? 0.99

00:58:10.000 And you're like, oh, shit. 0.99

00:58:12.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Have a nice day, sir.

00:58:14.000 I don't know if this guy gets out of the truck. 0.92

00:58:16.000 He's just gonna literally rip you to pieces, or he might pull out a machine gun under his car seat and start gunning you down. 0.95

00:58:22.000 Who knows? 0.98

00:58:23.000 When you're pulling some guy over, you don't know if he's got a body in the trunk.

00:58:27.000 You don't know if he's got a hundred kilos of cocaine in his spare tire. 1.00

00:58:30.000 You don't know shit! 1.00

00:58:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:32.000 How much... 1.00

00:58:32.000 that seemed like a lot. 1.00

00:58:34.000 A hundred kilos would be like 220 pounds or something like that?

00:58:38.000 220 pounds?

00:58:38.000 A hundred kilos of acid.

00:58:40.000 Paper acid.

00:58:41.000 Oh my god.

00:58:42.000 That's enough acid to kill the world, right?

00:58:45.000 But you don't know.

00:58:46.000 Man, you pull somebody over, even a woman. 1.00

00:58:47.000 She could be some crazy bitch who just got done killing her entire family. 1.00

00:58:51.000 And she's driving to her mom's house to kill her, too. 1.00

00:58:53.000 Did you see the video that was released like two days ago from Boston of a guy recording his ex-girlfriend just breaking his windows, scratching his car. 0.98

00:59:04.000 Then he goes outside to be like, look what she did.

00:59:07.000 She, like, crushed my bumper. 1.00

00:59:09.000 And then out of nowhere...

00:59:10.000 Like she just comes from behind going like 50 miles an hour. 0.99

00:59:13.000 And hits him with his car?

00:59:14.000 No, he misses just by an inch, but it hits his car.

00:59:18.000 And if Jamie could pull up that video, you will freak. 0.98

00:59:20.000 I mean, the anger of this crazy woman. 1.00

00:59:23.000 And that right there, she supposedly has already gone to court twice and said that he has hit her and done all this shit. 1.00

00:59:30.000 But just watching this video, you go, oh no. 0.99

00:59:32.000 Look at this poor guy, what he's dealing with.

00:59:34.000 That guy needs to get one of those sperm switches. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Make sure he doesn't do that.

00:59:38.000 Yeah!

00:59:39.000 Knocked up. 1.00

00:59:40.000 He will wind up fucking her again. 1.00

00:59:42.000 If she's that crazy, you know what kind of pussy she must be throwing around? 1.00

00:59:45.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:59:46.000 Just fucking liquid thunder. 0.99

00:59:49.000 She's been wrecking that dude. 1.00

00:59:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:59:52.000 God.

00:59:52.000 And yeah, he couldn't leave his house.

00:59:54.000 And his car.

00:59:55.000 It was scary being in that situation because she seemed like she would pull out a gun and just start shooting him. 0.98

01:00:01.000 Well, anybody would try to hit you with a car.

01:00:03.000 Right. 0.99

01:00:04.000 You might as well be shooting at me, right? 0.99

01:00:06.000 Trying to hit someone with a car, that's death. 0.99

01:00:08.000 Oh yeah.

01:00:08.000 Okay, give us some volume, young Jamie.

01:00:10.000 This is what he's showing what she did.

01:00:17.000 Is that as loud as it gets?

01:00:19.000 Watch this.

01:00:21.000 Oh my god.

01:00:23.000 Oh my god.

01:00:26.000 She's got a Mercedes.

01:00:27.000 And what does he have, a Honda?

01:00:29.000 She tried to hit him. 0.96

01:00:31.000 Yeah.

01:00:31.000 Dude, she just tried to hit him with the car.

01:00:34.000 And then, if you saw the beginning of it, she was outside just smashing windows and stuff. 0.96

01:00:37.000 But dude, he didn't even know she was coming.

01:00:39.000 No.

01:00:40.000 He wasn't even looking and she almost killed him. 0.72

01:00:42.000 Oh, she's coming back?

01:00:43.000 Yeah, she's coming back.

01:00:44.000 No way.

01:00:45.000 Yeah.

01:00:46.000 Oh my god.

01:00:47.000 She knocked my vehicle into my neighbor's vehicle. 1.00

01:00:49.000 This bitch is crazy. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Back that ass up. 1.00

01:00:55.000 What is she gonna do? 0.99

01:00:59.000 And I'm going inside because I want to avoid any further issues.

01:01:02.000 She rammed her Mercedes into his Honda. 0.93

01:01:12.000 Oh my god, she's coming out with a crowbar. 1.00

01:01:14.000 She broke his back.

01:01:15.000 No, she has just smashed my window. 1.00

01:01:17.000 My rear windshield.

01:01:23.000 Oh my god.

01:01:28.000 Yeah, and at the beginning, she broke windows in his house, and he's in the house, like, she's breaking my windows in my house now.

01:01:34.000 Whoa.

01:01:35.000 It's a freaky video.

01:01:37.000 Does that make your blood pressure go up?

01:01:38.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:01:40.000 When she came out of her car with the crowbar, I was like, oh shit, this just got real as fuck. 1.00

01:01:45.000 That's how people die. 0.99

01:01:46.000 She got him arrested earlier, like previously, because he was at his brother's house or something, and She just said he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him.

01:01:54.000 Yeah, so she's been tormenting him for a long time.

01:01:58.000 Devil's advocate. 1.00

01:01:59.000 What if she's telling the truth and he was beating her up and she's like, enough of this punk-ass motherfucker. 1.00

01:02:07.000 I'm going over his house at a crowbar. 1.00

01:02:08.000 I'm going to run this bitch over with a fucking truck. 1.00

01:02:10.000 Right. 1.00

01:02:11.000 And fun fact, if you Google her name, Jamie, or his name, I don't know if you can find this, but they actually were a rap duo and they have rap videos together.

01:02:19.000 Together?

01:02:20.000 Oh my god.

01:02:23.000 What have you done?

01:02:25.000 What spiral have you let us down?

01:02:27.000 I hope he at least did something good, you know what I mean?

01:02:30.000 Like, banged a supermodel or something.

01:02:33.000 I'd be really disappointed to find out that he left her with a bill at Red Lobster or something like that.

01:02:39.000 She's like, just furious.

01:02:42.000 Yeah, what could have possibly been that bad that she wanted to kill him with a car? 1.00

01:02:45.000 Well, to ram a Mercedes into his Honda is like, you know, it's like throwing fucking money at somebody's face. 1.00

01:02:53.000 Like, you piece of shit, I hate you! 1.00

01:02:54.000 Well, that's a pumped move, though. 1.00

01:02:56.000 That's a pumped up move.

01:02:57.000 Yeah, it is. 0.99

01:02:58.000 You're pumped up if you're fucking throwing money in someone's face. 1.00

01:03:01.000 Bitch! 1.00

01:03:01.000 You don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:03:03.000 Didn't someone do that to P. Diddy? 1.00

01:03:05.000 It was like a story in some article about some violence that had broken out in this club.

01:03:11.000 People were getting shot.

01:03:12.000 Because some guy showed up at one of P. Diddy's things.

01:03:15.000 You know, P. Diddy's famous for going to these clubs.

01:03:18.000 And he'd have the velvet rope and all this money and all these bottles.

01:03:21.000 That was his whole thing, right?

01:03:22.000 His whole thing was flossing.

01:03:23.000 And some guy came up to him and threw $100 bills in his face.

01:03:27.000 Oh, that had to hurt.

01:03:28.000 I bet one of his eyes got puffy.

01:03:32.000 That's a Puff Daddy joke right there.

01:03:34.000 That's maybe when he became Diddy.

01:03:35.000 Didn't like being puffy anymore.

01:03:38.000 Maybe they corresponded.

01:03:40.000 Yeah.

01:03:42.000 Depends.

01:03:43.000 Yeah, but something happened.

01:03:45.000 I think somebody got shot in that incident, right?

01:03:48.000 Didn't somebody get shot or trampled or something like that?

01:03:50.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:03:51.000 I'm trying to look it up right now.

01:03:52.000 I think Chris Brown was involved and there was something about a bottle getting broken and someone's eye got lacerated.

01:03:57.000 Oh, that's a different one.

01:03:57.000 That's a different one.

01:03:58.000 No, that's a different one.

01:03:59.000 That's a recent one.

01:04:00.000 The P. Diddy one.

01:04:01.000 He might have even been Puff Daddy, who was in New York.

01:04:04.000 That other one was out here.

01:04:06.000 But, I mean, I'm sure there's been a lot of incidents.

01:04:09.000 He was supposed to have gone to fight with Drake at a club, too.

01:04:10.000 P. Diddy?

01:04:11.000 Yeah.

01:04:11.000 How dare he.

01:04:11.000 Who won?

01:04:12.000 Please tell me, Drake.

01:04:13.000 I don't know.

01:04:14.000 It was over a girl. 0.84

01:04:16.000 Oh man, fighting over chicks. 0.99

01:04:18.000 I just sent you the music video of the two people, Jamie.

01:04:22.000 Throwing money in a guy's face is a real, like, I mean, that's like the ultimate, like, hitting a man with a glove or whatever, like, starting a duel.

01:04:29.000 That's the energy that he's put out to the world.

01:04:32.000 It's perfect.

01:04:32.000 Yeah.

01:04:33.000 Because, like, if you see P. Diddy walking down the beach with a dude who's holding an umbrella over his head, have you seen that?

01:04:41.000 No.

01:04:41.000 You haven't seen that?

01:04:42.000 Uh-uh.

01:04:42.000 He has a manservant, and the manservant will follow him around with an umbrella.

01:04:47.000 Oh, my God.

01:04:48.000 Oh, yes.

01:04:48.000 Here we go, Jamie.

01:04:50.000 I think it's the best.

01:04:52.000 His name is Barnesworth, apparently.

01:04:53.000 That's amazing.

01:04:54.000 He's a character in a Spider-Man comic book.

01:04:58.000 Barnesworth, can I have my umbrella, please?

01:05:00.000 I mean, if P. Diddy was, like, some diabolical...

01:05:04.000 Look at this.

01:05:05.000 He's got a guy following him around with an umbrella.

01:05:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:05:10.000 And the gentleman has a bow tie on.

01:05:12.000 Why wouldn't you have a girl do that? 1.00

01:05:15.000 You know, like, if I won the Powerball, I'll have that, but a girl, and she has to wear a bikini. 1.00

01:05:19.000 I don't know, man.

01:05:21.000 Well, it's a weird position, but maybe it's a really good gig.

01:05:25.000 Like maybe he just gets to jet all over the world and wear bow ties and just all he has to do is hold an umbrella. 0.90

01:05:30.000 How fucking hard is that?

01:05:31.000 In a fake world, what if P. Diddy liked guys and that was a way to have his boyfriend always with him? 0.97

01:05:37.000 In a fake world.

01:05:38.000 I've got no work.

01:05:38.000 What a thinly veiled attempt at humor.

01:05:44.000 Farnsworth Bentley attends the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards.

01:05:49.000 I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dogg quite a bit, and he has an Asian guy who his only job, and he's the best at it, is rolling blunts. 1.00

01:06:03.000 And he just rolls blunts, and he's just the best blunt roller, and it just comes up, and it's like, hey, this is, you know, I don't remember his name exactly, but it's like, this is blah, blah, blah, he's the blunt roller guy.

01:06:14.000 And he just, and when you hit it, it just is like, you, it's like a rate laser coming at you.

01:06:20.000 You know how the end of anything cherries up?

01:06:23.000 It's always even.

01:06:24.000 It's perfect.

01:06:26.000 He does it with his hands?

01:06:27.000 Yeah.

01:06:28.000 Like a science.

01:06:29.000 Like an old school.

01:06:30.000 He really massages it.

01:06:32.000 You can tell that he really takes his time.

01:06:34.000 Very adhesive, perfect cylinder. 1.00

01:06:37.000 Damn. 1.00

01:06:37.000 Hand rolled. 1.00

01:06:38.000 You can almost tell that it was just rolled.

01:06:41.000 There's no substitute for quality and craftsmanship.

01:06:43.000 It's true.

01:06:44.000 It is.

01:06:44.000 I understand.

01:06:45.000 You're Snoop Dogg.

01:06:46.000 You smoke blunts all day, continuously.

01:06:49.000 And he does.

01:06:50.000 You see all these different celebrities have their things, and you're like, oh, I bet he doesn't really like that offstage.

01:06:58.000 Well, like, Snoop, just, he's unbelievably hilarious when it comes to smoking.

01:07:03.000 Yeah, you would think that the blunts, I wonder what kind of paper they're using. 0.96

01:07:07.000 Are they using, like, legit blunt?

01:07:08.000 Which is, uh, what a blunt is, for folks who are not aware, is they take a cigarette, um, or rather a cigar, and, uh, take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together.

01:07:21.000 And, uh, I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin Rich.

01:07:25.000 Woo! 1.00

01:07:27.000 They fuck you up. 1.00

01:07:28.000 First of all, because you're breathing in the tobacco smoke, which is an added element, and it does something. 1.00

01:07:34.000 It opens up your capillaries in your lungs so that more THC gets in your blood.

01:07:38.000 It also has an effect of its own.

01:07:41.000 The nicotine in the tobacco leaf has an effect of its own.

01:07:45.000 And it's also unusual in the fact that that tobacco leaf is generally not inhaled.

01:07:49.000 When you smoke a tobacco cigar, you puff it.

01:07:53.000 Puff!

01:07:55.000 Right.

01:07:57.000 Right.

01:08:15.000 I think you can't do that every day.

01:08:17.000 That's why Gino's little, that electronic cigarette blunt, that thing tastes great, and you don't have to do the nicotine part of it. 1.00

01:08:26.000 No, Gino's the shit. 0.99

01:08:27.000 L.A. Speedweed. 1.00

01:08:28.000 He knows what he's doing, man.

01:08:29.000 He got pulled down from Instagram.

01:08:31.000 Isn't that hilarious?

01:08:32.000 Instagram deleted his account, or suspended his account, or whatever the hell they did, because he's weed-related.

01:08:39.000 He's operating within the California laws.

01:08:42.000 He's selling something that everybody loves.

01:08:44.000 How come you have all these wine companies that have Instagram accounts and all these beer companies?

01:08:48.000 Which I like wine.

01:08:49.000 I like beer.

01:08:50.000 We all do.

01:08:51.000 What's so wrong with weed?

01:08:53.000 Gino's service is like the greatest thing ever, by the way.

01:08:55.000 He should get back at Instagram by making a promo that's like the Instagram special where you get a gram of pot within 10 minutes.

01:09:05.000 Some type of crazy promotion where it's like, hey, did you hear about the Instagram thing?

01:09:09.000 Just use them as a marketing thing.

01:09:11.000 Yeah, that's funny. 1.00

01:09:12.000 Instagram's bitches, man. 1.00

01:09:13.000 I can't believe that Twitter. 1.00

01:09:15.000 They're great.

01:09:15.000 It's just they're a company.

01:09:17.000 They're trying to fucking make some money. 0.99

01:09:18.000 I get it. 1.00

01:09:19.000 How is it, though, that Twitter, you're allowed to see buttholes, but Instagram, you can't even see nipples.

01:09:24.000 Well, I think Twitter, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's maybe more of a limit in as far as what kind of ads they'll get.

01:09:35.000 Whereas, maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up, maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way.

01:09:49.000 They have a lot of those sponsored ads.

01:09:51.000 You see them all the time now in your feed.

01:09:54.000 I don't have a problem with it.

01:09:55.000 You could show buttholes on Twitter?

01:09:56.000 Yeah.

01:09:57.000 You can do whatever you want on Twitter. 0.97

01:09:58.000 I think sponsored ads on Instagram are probably the least offensive ads ever because they take a fucking half of a second to go through. 0.97

01:10:05.000 I agree. 0.96

01:10:06.000 Whereas an ad on TV is the most offensive. 0.94

01:10:08.000 If you're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new? 0.97

01:10:20.000 It's unbelievable. 1.00

01:10:22.000 You're like, you fuckers! 1.00

01:10:24.000 You fuckers have ruined the entire mood of this awesome show to sell me some wax or whatever the fuck you're selling. 1.00

01:10:31.000 Yeah, the artist took time to set a tone and a feel. 0.99

01:10:35.000 So much better if you watch it on iTunes.

01:10:37.000 It's crazy to me.

01:10:37.000 I remember when we were making the show The Burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, a Jeff Ross show, and I wrote and produced it.

01:10:49.000 It was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand-up and stuff, and I didn't even have a TV. This was like four or five years ago.

01:10:59.000 Anyway...

01:11:02.000 But, going into every commercial break during this comedy show that's at 10.30 at night, it was always a life alert commercial.

01:11:09.000 Like, straight into, like, I've fallen and I need help.

01:11:12.000 I'm dying here.

01:11:13.000 You know what I mean?

01:11:14.000 Like, who's gonna save your grandma if you don't have life alert?

01:11:17.000 And it's like...

01:11:18.000 And it's like, now back to your comedy experience.

01:11:22.000 It's like the worst type of stuff.

01:11:24.000 It's terrible.

01:11:25.000 We all know that from doing stand-up or from going to the movies. 0.94

01:11:28.000 You know, if a movie got interrupted every 15 minutes for a commercial, you know how fucking pissed you would be at the end of that movie?

01:11:36.000 The problem with network television is the model they're using where you interrupt shows and show these commercials. 0.99

01:11:42.000 It sucks. 0.99

01:11:44.000 It sucks and you're stuck with it. 0.99

01:11:46.000 You got to figure out a whole new way to show ads because people are done.

01:11:50.000 And so their idea was, well, we'll just make ads more interesting.

01:11:54.000 We'll just make ads more creative. 0.97

01:11:55.000 And they did that to a certain extent, but they still suck. 0.98

01:11:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:11:59.000 Nobody wants to see them. 0.99

01:12:00.000 Even if it's the most awesome ad ever, it's interrupting whether or not fucking Rick is going to get jacked by the zombies. 0.99

01:12:05.000 Right. 0.99

01:12:07.000 Right?

01:12:07.000 And that's their cable.

01:12:09.000 That's even more fucked up. 0.99

01:12:10.000 It's like AMC and, you know, the Independent Film Channel, IFC and all these different channels. 0.99

01:12:16.000 Those are cable.

01:12:17.000 They can do whatever they want.

01:12:19.000 Like, they have to censor themselves to ensure that they get the right ads.

01:12:25.000 So they self-censor just to get ads.

01:12:28.000 It's not like that.

01:12:29.000 ABC, CBS, NBC, those are governed by the FCC. And so when you're on television, you're not allowed to swear.

01:12:38.000 You're not allowed to.

01:12:39.000 There's a law. 0.99

01:12:41.000 But on cable, there's no fucking laws. 1.00

01:12:43.000 That's why they say shit now. 1.00

01:12:45.000 They say asshole. 1.00

01:12:46.000 There's a lot of shows that get real close to saying fuck you, but they don't really say fuck you. 1.00

01:12:51.000 But they get real close. 1.00

01:12:52.000 And that's because they're on cable.

01:12:54.000 The only reason why they don't do everything, full nudity, do whatever they want, is ads.

01:12:58.000 That's it.

01:12:59.000 That's why HBO gets away with just going buck wild.

01:13:03.000 No ads. 1.00

01:13:04.000 But try getting people to pay for shit. 0.98

01:13:07.000 Today, if they don't produce things like Game of Thrones, if they don't have specials like Whitney Cummings specials, if they don't have a lot of original content, Amy Schumer's last special, a lot of original content where people are going to seek it out specifically, big-time fights whenever they have big-time fights on HBO. If it's not that, 0.98

01:13:26.000 it's hard getting people to pay today.

01:13:28.000 Yeah, it really is.

01:13:30.000 I mean, but at the same time, it's sort of...

01:13:33.000 Isn't.

01:13:34.000 I feel like it's hard for the middle of the country, I think, is making the transition now, but Netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something like that.

01:13:44.000 Every day it's going up by millions.

01:13:46.000 Yeah.

01:13:46.000 And HBO is, I think, at like 25 million households right now.

01:13:52.000 Wow.

01:13:53.000 That's nuts.

01:13:55.000 I mean, I personally, I run completely off of, I have Netflix and I have HBO Go, and that is it.

01:14:02.000 If there's a sporting event on the TV, then I have to go to a local bar or something or restaurant to check it out.

01:14:09.000 That's just how I roll.

01:14:11.000 You just don't want cable or satellite or anything like that?

01:14:13.000 I don't ever use it.

01:14:15.000 The only thing that might come on is a college football game or the UFC or something like that.

01:14:20.000 Yeah, but you got the UFC pass now.

01:14:22.000 I mean, I cut the cable bill.

01:14:24.000 I haven't looked back at all.

01:14:25.000 With Hulu Plus and you have the UFC app where that's all you need.

01:14:30.000 A lot of people are going that direction now.

01:14:32.000 That's what they think the future is.

01:14:34.000 They think the future is not going to be television.

01:14:36.000 Especially now that TVs hook up.

01:14:38.000 They hook up to HDMI cables, they hook up to computers right away, and a lot of TVs are now getting online.

01:14:44.000 Like, a lot of TVs out of the box have online ability, and so they act as a small computer.

01:14:49.000 So you'll just be able to go straight...

01:14:50.000 Like, my TV by itself goes straight to YouTube.

01:14:53.000 I can go to YouTube. 1.00

01:14:55.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:14:56.000 Yeah, it's great. 0.99

01:14:58.000 Through iTunes, you do everything.

01:14:59.000 iTunes connects you to Netflix.

01:15:01.000 Apple TV connects you to Netflix.

01:15:04.000 Did you get the new one yet?

01:15:05.000 I tell you, that's worth the upgrade.

01:15:06.000 It's one of my favorite things ever.

01:15:07.000 Just being able to go, uh, Steve Martin.

01:15:11.000 And it pulls up every single Steve Martin movie.

01:15:13.000 Oh my god, you talk to it?

01:15:13.000 Yeah, you just tell it.

01:15:14.000 So you're like, uh, you know, Walking Dead.

01:15:16.000 And then you click on Walking Dead and it says, available on Hulu or iTunes or Netflix.

01:15:21.000 And it just takes you right there.

01:15:22.000 Good googly moogly.

01:15:24.000 That's what Puff Daddy has Barnsworth do.

01:15:26.000 He just says something.

01:15:28.000 Walking Dead, Barnsworth.

01:15:30.000 Does he have to massage his feet at the end of a long day?

01:15:33.000 Totally.

01:15:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:34.000 Get the lotion.

01:15:35.000 But, okay, but if it's Barnesworth's choice, like, say if Barnesworth was, like, living in Columbus and he's working at a tire factory.

01:15:42.000 And then all of a sudden this guy came into town and go, dude, I've been looking for a guy to carry my umbrella.

01:15:47.000 I'll pay you a million dollars a year.

01:15:49.000 Yeah.

01:15:49.000 You gotta go with me to Paris, France and all over the world, but you'd be with me 24 hours a day.

01:15:54.000 And you're at my beck and call, and you must massage my feet at the end of every night.

01:15:57.000 I'd be like...

01:15:58.000 He'd be like, I'm a millionaire, and I don't work at a tire factory!

01:16:01.000 Woo! 0.99

01:16:02.000 Pinky in.

01:16:04.000 Pinky's out.

01:16:04.000 No, pinky in.

01:16:06.000 Oh, in him?

01:16:07.000 I don't think he's asking for that, Brian.

01:16:11.000 I just don't understand why you want to have a girl. 1.00

01:16:14.000 Well, because he would probably start fucking her and she would interfere in his business and, you know, if she was hot especially and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time she'd start complaining about not getting any dick. 1.00

01:16:25.000 Like, God, these guys, I don't know what's wrong. 1.00

01:16:27.000 I mean, they just don't want to have sex with me. 0.76

01:16:30.000 They're going to talk. 0.99

01:16:31.000 Got to gag these girls. 1.00

01:16:32.000 You know, you're finding a human, what you want is a robot. 0.87

01:16:36.000 You know, you want a replicant, like Blade Runner style, which we're going to have.

01:16:40.000 It's going to happen.

01:16:42.000 It's 20 years away.

01:16:43.000 We're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant. 1.00

01:16:47.000 You're going to go over your buddy's house and he's going to have a Chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waist that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of her tits and ass that's out of this world and she's going to be cleaning up and you're not going to be sure if she's real or not. 1.00

01:17:02.000 You're going to be like, um, what's that? 1.00

01:17:06.000 Is that a person?

01:17:07.000 Is this a person or is that a replicant? 1.00

01:17:09.000 And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen, and he'll explain it to you. 0.99

01:17:12.000 Do you think when we get close to that, that they're going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it? 0.99

01:17:21.000 Like a beta test?

01:17:22.000 No, they're too expensive.

01:17:23.000 But they're tracking them, like hardcore.

01:17:25.000 I think we'll know.

01:17:26.000 No, I think we'll know when they develop one.

01:17:29.000 When they get one to the point where it's almost like a person, we're going to know.

01:17:33.000 And it's going to be terrifying.

01:17:35.000 When they sit that one down on television and we have a robot that adjusts his clothes and goes, so what would you like to know?

01:17:43.000 You're gonna go, oh my god, what have we done? 0.95

01:17:47.000 Like, what the fuck have we done? 0.98

01:17:48.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:17:49.000 And what do we know about what this thing has done to protect itself?

01:17:53.000 What do we know about what this thing has done to ensure that the ideas that it has will continue and in some other form? 0.99

01:17:59.000 And the most important question, how do you fuck it? 1.00

01:18:03.000 Oh, you're going to be able to fuck it like you would a normal woman. 1.00

01:18:06.000 They're going to be able to have artificial skin. 1.00

01:18:09.000 They have artificial skin that they've already developed.

01:18:12.000 So they've been able to develop skin in some sort of an experiment where they recreated a woman's bladder.

01:18:21.000 They used stem cells and they recreated her bladder.

01:18:24.000 Wow.

01:18:24.000 They created a new bladder and then they put it back into her body and it acts as a functioning bladder.

01:18:29.000 They're gonna be able to develop artificial skin or lab-created skin. 0.99

01:18:35.000 When these robots that you can fuck become easily accessible, how much longer until women go extinct? 1.00

01:18:45.000 How much longer until you go over your ex's house? 1.00

01:18:47.000 Your ex is like 60 years old.

01:18:49.000 She's dressed like the wife on Three's Company. 0.92

01:18:52.000 Mrs. Furley.

01:18:54.000 She's dressed like Mrs. Furley. 1.00

01:18:56.000 And behind her are an army of seven foot tall black guys with giant dicks. 1.00

01:19:02.000 And they're just stroking their shafts all day. 1.00

01:19:04.000 She shuts that She goes, yeah, just put it over there. 1.00

01:19:07.000 She shuts that door back to work, and they just fucking stuff her all day. 1.00

01:19:12.000 And she takes Mr. Furley's money, and she invests it in these gigantic, bobsap-looking, mandingo warrior dudes with giant ebony dicks. 1.00

01:19:22.000 There's her. 0.89

01:19:23.000 So she comes to the door, and yeah, oh, thank you, Mr. UPS driver.

01:19:27.000 And the UPS driver takes a look down the hallway over her shoulder and sees all these guys just stroking it, staring out the window with glowing eyes.

01:19:34.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Big, crazy, vibrating robot dicks. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:19:39.000 Why wouldn't they vibrate?

01:19:40.000 Of course. 0.79

01:19:41.000 They probably punch you. 1.00

01:19:43.000 Multiple switches on these fucking things. 1.00

01:19:45.000 They whip. 1.00

01:19:45.000 Like a whip. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Do you think you would have to clean the cum out of it? 0.95

01:19:49.000 Or if it would just reuse the cum for tears later? 0.87

01:19:51.000 You know, like it was that advanced where it just used to... 0.97

01:19:54.000 It lives off cum, ideally. 0.92

01:19:57.000 That's the only way it stays alive. 0.99

01:19:59.000 So it has to constantly be trying to turn you on.

01:20:01.000 I sure would love a good charging this morning.

01:20:03.000 From behind.

01:20:05.000 Please put it in my palm.

01:20:08.000 You know, oversensitive people right now will be tuning in going, I can't believe what they're saying.

01:20:13.000 I can't believe Tony Hinchcliffe is saying that women would go extinct.

01:20:17.000 Someone made a perfect artificial woman that did everything that a man wants with no nagging. 1.00

01:20:22.000 Why don't you want the nagging?

01:20:24.000 Why don't you want a real woman? 1.00

01:20:25.000 Yeah, because real women don't have a mute button, bitch. 1.00

01:20:29.000 How dare you? 1.00

01:20:31.000 Mute and clean.

01:20:32.000 Alright, I'll be back in a couple hours.

01:20:34.000 Bye, babe.

01:20:34.000 Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right?

01:20:37.000 Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all those windows. 1.00

01:20:44.000 Think about all those negative aspects of being a person. 0.99

01:20:46.000 Now think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate.

01:20:54.000 And just get rid of the bad stuff.

01:20:56.000 And then you have this perfect person.

01:20:57.000 Maybe Barnesworth is a robot, and we just don't know it.

01:21:00.000 Maybe.

01:21:01.000 Maybe.

01:21:01.000 P. Diddy is just a man of the future.

01:21:03.000 Is that possible that there's something super shady about a guy that holds an umbrella for a living?

01:21:08.000 They've always existed, though. 0.99

01:21:10.000 I mean, that's the butler in fucking Batman. 1.00

01:21:12.000 He never wants to kick ass. 1.00

01:21:13.000 He never's like, look, I'm tired of this bullshit, dude. 1.00

01:21:16.000 You leave me, you get all this fucking press. 1.00

01:21:18.000 You're out there kicking ass. 1.00

01:21:19.000 Nobody even knows me. 1.00

01:21:20.000 I'm down here inventing shit. 0.99

01:21:21.000 No, he doesn't care. 1.00

01:21:22.000 There's always been that guy.

01:21:24.000 Yeah.

01:21:25.000 Right?

01:21:25.000 There's always been the manservant role in those television shows.

01:21:28.000 I wonder if anybody's ever gone to P. Diddy's house and accidentally left the door open and Barnesworth was like, were you born in a Barnesworth?

01:21:35.000 That'd be a great line. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Oh, you son of a bitch! 1.00

01:21:39.000 I mean, if your name's Barnesworth... 1.00

01:21:41.000 Damn you, Tony! 1.00

01:21:43.000 Butlers are a weird thing, right? 1.00

01:21:45.000 A man standing there with a little white towel over his arm, with his hand upright in a very correct and proper posture.

01:21:53.000 Good day, sir.

01:21:54.000 May I help you, sir?

01:21:55.000 Like someone following you around, getting you things.

01:21:58.000 Barnesworth, please fix me a drink.

01:22:00.000 Scotch two cubes of ice and turn the music up very low and please close the door when you leave.

01:22:08.000 Right away, sir.

01:22:10.000 Come in and take care of you. 0.99

01:22:12.000 Imagine?

01:22:12.000 Getting a woman would have been better.

01:22:15.000 Imagine also, like, switching of roles.

01:22:20.000 What if, like, you were the really, really wealthy guy, and you had yourself a Barnesworth, and Barnesworth did a wonderful job, but Barnesworth had ambitions of his own, and Barnesworth left.

01:22:31.000 And he left to start his own business, and that business was ultimately a gigantic success.

01:22:35.000 Boy, it took off.

01:22:37.000 But your business?

01:22:38.000 Well, the internet came along and gutted it, and record companies just weren't making any money anymore.

01:22:44.000 Those record stores, they don't exist, and you owned a chain of them, and that's how you had Barnsworth.

01:22:49.000 And they went under.

01:22:50.000 But Barnsworth, he created Napster.

01:22:53.000 Yeah.

01:22:53.000 And Barnsworth started ballin'.

01:22:55.000 Barnsworth was, uh, he figured out how to make money off of YouTube ads.

01:22:58.000 And Barnsworth, uh, you know what he did, man?

01:23:00.000 He started selling MP3s. 0.99

01:23:02.000 So putting that shit on iTunes, now Barnesworth's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and Barnesworth wants to hire you to be his butler. 0.98

01:23:10.000 Now what do you do? 0.99

01:23:12.000 That sounds like a great movie idea.

01:23:15.000 Yeah.

01:23:15.000 Like Face Off.

01:23:17.000 Trading faces.

01:23:19.000 Trading faces.

01:23:20.000 Yeah.

01:23:21.000 Well, people who have butlers would hate to be a butler.

01:23:25.000 Once you have a butler, you never want to go to being a butler.

01:23:29.000 Yeah, that would be diabolical.

01:23:32.000 Yeah, once you have some dude who stands there like a knight in front of a castle with his little white perfect tuxedo looking jacket on.

01:23:41.000 Or a tuxedo shirt.

01:23:43.000 I would love that.

01:23:44.000 The few times that I've gotten to fly first class, I mean, just having somebody come up once in a while and be like, is there anything I can get for you?

01:23:52.000 Anything at all.

01:23:53.000 It's always just the greatest feeling.

01:23:55.000 I can't imagine having a full-time Barnesworth.

01:23:58.000 They would grow to hate you.

01:23:59.000 They would taser you like David Spade's guy tasered him.

01:24:01.000 But I totally think that...

01:24:03.000 David Spade out of Barnesworth.

01:24:06.000 And he tasered him?

01:24:07.000 Attacked him.

01:24:07.000 What?

01:24:08.000 Yeah, attacked him.

01:24:10.000 Allegedly.

01:24:10.000 Oh my goodness.

01:24:11.000 I wasn't there. 0.99

01:24:12.000 Allegedly tasered him, fucked him up. 0.99

01:24:14.000 It was like a big case. 0.99

01:24:15.000 It was in the news.

01:24:17.000 I think the dude just got enough.

01:24:20.000 David Spade had a butler, huh?

01:24:22.000 Enough! 1.00

01:24:23.000 He had an assistant, which is a milder version of a Barnesworth.

01:24:27.000 Yeah.

01:24:28.000 You know, some dude follows you around, tells you when you're supposed to be somewhere.

01:24:31.000 His name is Skippy.

01:24:32.000 Skippy.

01:24:35.000 Do you guys remember Skippy from Family Ties?

01:24:38.000 No.

01:24:39.000 Remember Skippy from Family Ties?

01:24:40.000 Yeah.

01:24:40.000 He was on that show with Michael J. Fox and then went from that into stand-up.

01:24:45.000 And he would be on the road in places we were in the early, early days.

01:24:51.000 What does he do now?

01:24:52.000 I don't know.

01:24:53.000 That's hard.

01:24:54.000 Screech did that for a while too, right?

01:24:55.000 From Saved by the Bell?

01:24:56.000 I had to roast him one time.

01:24:58.000 We did one of these roasts of the...

01:24:59.000 No, it was the roast of Ron Jeremy.

01:25:03.000 And I had to roast Screech.

01:25:04.000 Oh my god, it was so much fun.

01:25:07.000 He's completely out of his element, but it was so much fun.

01:25:10.000 I told him, nowadays when I watch episodes of Saved by the Bell, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then?

01:25:17.000 Ha ha ha!

01:25:20.000 Too soon!

01:25:21.000 Boom! 0.99

01:25:23.000 Too soon!

01:25:25.000 Too soon.

01:25:26.000 I guess he stabbed someone at a nightclub in Minnesota.

01:25:31.000 Did he stab someone or was he involved in a stabbing?

01:25:33.000 I had heard about it.

01:25:34.000 He was at a bar. 1.00

01:25:36.000 Some dude was fucking with his chick. 1.00

01:25:37.000 He pulled out his knife. 1.00

01:25:39.000 I was actually talking to him the day before that happened and then the day after that happened.

01:25:44.000 Really?

01:25:45.000 What's he like?

01:25:46.000 He's nice.

01:25:47.000 I like him a lot.

01:25:48.000 Is he a good guy?

01:25:49.000 You called him or he called you?

01:25:50.000 Did you reach out to the speech out?

01:25:53.000 What?

01:25:55.000 DM'd each other.

01:25:56.000 Jamie's clearly had too much.

01:25:58.000 I mean, Tony's clearly had too much weed today.

01:26:01.000 Yeah.

01:26:01.000 Reach out to the Screech Alex.

01:26:05.000 That came out of your mouth.

01:26:07.000 You know what's funny is last time I did a podcast with you we talked about puns and I defended puns and I said only people that can't make puns I've been getting,

01:26:24.000 like, smashed in my Twitter mentions in a great way.

01:26:29.000 Like, people send me, like, funny things that they thought of, and it's, like, my favorite thing.

01:26:34.000 Now people are like, hey, this happened today, crazy pun, right?

01:26:37.000 Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they send me the thing.

01:26:38.000 That's funny.

01:26:39.000 Now, you love those.

01:26:40.000 Those to you are like little gifts that the universe gives you.

01:26:43.000 And you know they're corny because as you're saying them, I see your smile starts to turn up as you're saying it.

01:26:49.000 It's my favorite thing. 1.00

01:26:50.000 Fucker. 1.00

01:26:51.000 It's so like, because they're always in the moment. 0.98

01:26:53.000 I always love stuff that's like, right, that like just happened and only can last a second.

01:27:00.000 Fleeting.

01:27:00.000 Yeah, fleeting.

01:27:02.000 So, um, this is the special that comes out this Friday, is the one that you did at our world-famous Ice House Comedy Club.

01:27:08.000 Yeah.

01:27:08.000 Our favorite spot, or one of our favorite spots right next to it.

01:27:11.000 Oh, let's play the trailer.

01:27:13.000 Is there a trailer?

01:27:13.000 Yep.

01:27:14.000 Play the trailer.

01:27:15.000 A little something.

01:27:16.000 Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe entrepreneur.

01:27:20.000 That's me.

01:27:22.000 That's how it starts.

01:27:24.000 This is how it starts.

01:27:25.000 It's one complete shot.

01:27:27.000 This is what's really cool about it.

01:27:29.000 You follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat.

01:27:39.000 One continuous take.

01:27:41.000 No cuts.

01:27:43.000 No editing.

01:27:44.000 But there is a cut right there in the trailer, unfortunately.

01:27:48.000 Or else you'd see Joey Diaz bringing me up, which is awesome.

01:27:53.000 Why'd you throw your cigarette on the ground at the beginning of the video? 1.00

01:27:55.000 Because you're a fucking slob. 1.00

01:27:56.000 Because I'm done. 1.00

01:27:57.000 Because you're littering.

01:27:58.000 I had a Barnesworth there to pick it up, don't worry.

01:28:00.000 You did not have a Barnesworth.

01:28:02.000 You just wanted to be the cool guy.

01:28:03.000 Josh Martin.

01:28:05.000 A.K.A. Barnesworth.

01:28:07.000 We gotta call him Barnesworth right now.

01:28:09.000 It's a Barnesworth. 0.99

01:28:10.000 Don't you fucking do his list. 0.98

01:28:12.000 I have no idea why these guys call me Barnesworth now. 0.99

01:28:15.000 I was with somebody the other day, and I was like, who was your favorite comic on the night?

01:28:20.000 And I had Josh on the show, and she goes, oh, Josh Martin was my favorite.

01:28:24.000 I'm like, Josh?

01:28:24.000 Really?

01:28:25.000 You like Josh? 0.95

01:28:25.000 And she goes, dude, he says rape with a W. That was hilarious. 0.95

01:28:29.000 He's killing. 0.99

01:28:32.000 He's absolutely murdering.

01:28:34.000 I've been randomly, you know, Monday nights are weird.

01:28:37.000 I randomly, once in a while, just go to check in at like 10 p.m.

01:28:40.000 whenever we're done with the podcast every time.

01:28:42.000 And he's always on because he just got done with our podcast.

01:28:45.000 So he has a thing where he always gets to go on right when we're done.

01:28:49.000 So he goes downstairs.

01:28:49.000 And that's always, I always say hi to a few people and then I'm in there.

01:28:53.000 He's murdering right now.

01:28:54.000 Josh that like has that speech impediment with his eyes.

01:28:58.000 He's a nice guy.

01:28:59.000 He followed Rogan on The Secret Show the other day, like 300 people.

01:29:02.000 He had to go up right after Rogan.

01:29:04.000 It was great.

01:29:05.000 He did okay.

01:29:07.000 He stayed alive.

01:29:09.000 That's really tough.

01:29:10.000 He's only been doing it, how long now?

01:29:12.000 Two and a half years.

01:29:13.000 I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him.

01:29:16.000 I was hosting that night and they were making some little promo video for the Comedy Store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage.

01:29:25.000 And they asked me to interview, you know, just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two-minute video for the comedy.

01:29:33.000 So I think it's still on their website, actually.

01:29:36.000 And I talked to him and I met him that night and I go, what do you do for work?

01:29:40.000 He goes, I'm a manager at a McDonald's, like an hour outside of Los Angeles.

01:29:46.000 I'm like, you have such an interesting look and you sound so funny.

01:29:51.000 Yeah. 0.91

01:29:51.000 That if you get good at this, you are going to be un-fucking-stoppable. 0.91

01:29:57.000 And I'm starting to see this fucking, like, when the car starts to turn over and it's like... 0.99

01:30:03.000 You're like, ooh, there's a fucking engine in here. 0.99

01:30:06.000 I'm seeing it every Monday. 0.99

01:30:07.000 And like I said earlier, there's nothing more fun than watching people that you know and that you root for just fucking start ripping it. 0.98

01:30:16.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:30:16.000 And he's doing it right now. 0.96

01:30:17.000 It's so cool, especially since he has such a defined style.

01:30:21.000 Like, he literally, you know, they say it takes 10 years to find your voice, but he has his voice, like, literally.

01:30:28.000 As long as he keeps doing it and wiring...

01:30:30.000 So, no speech therapy?

01:30:31.000 You don't think so?

01:30:32.000 Oh, no way. 1.00

01:30:33.000 I say you fix that, you're crazy. 1.00

01:30:35.000 Look at that. 0.97

01:30:36.000 This was, like, literally, I think, his first time at the comedy store.

01:30:39.000 What's that?

01:30:40.000 And he's bombing.

01:30:41.000 It's probably really quick.

01:30:42.000 Oh, we don't want to watch him bomb.

01:30:44.000 No.

01:30:44.000 There's no reason to watch that.

01:30:46.000 But this was like his first time up. 0.98

01:30:48.000 And I go, dude, you gotta fucking get in the game, bro. 0.97

01:30:51.000 And sure enough, he did. 0.98

01:30:52.000 Well, he works at the store now.

01:30:53.000 Yeah, he's worked there for...

01:30:55.000 And he's been the producer of Kill Tony. 0.96

01:30:57.000 I mean, this guy fucking hustles and he tries to do as many spots as possible. 1.00

01:31:03.000 I've watched him grow on and off stage because he used to start arguments with people and just talk shit. 1.00

01:31:09.000 It's one of the guys, like so many others, where you get to watch him grow as a human. 0.93

01:31:15.000 For some people, doing stand-up comedy, all of a sudden you're in a social setting for the first time ever.

01:31:21.000 It can be a real bad scene when you're struggling and you're young.

01:31:28.000 We could have no future.

01:31:30.000 Lived in his car for a while.

01:31:31.000 Paid dues.

01:31:33.000 For a while, like over a year, he lived in his car.

01:31:36.000 One time, Brian Moses, on the way to the Ice House, he had to pee.

01:31:40.000 I was in the car for that, and it was the most unbelievable thing ever.

01:31:44.000 So Josh is driving, in the car that he sleeps in.

01:31:47.000 His house.

01:31:48.000 We're going to the Ice House for one of these Friday night shows.

01:31:50.000 I'm sitting shotgun, and our good pal Brian Moses hosts a roast battle.

01:31:56.000 He's sitting in the back seat.

01:31:58.000 We're almost there.

01:32:01.000 We're like five minutes away.

01:32:03.000 It's like a 25 minute drive, right? 0.99

01:32:05.000 All of a sudden, Moses is like, oh fuck man, I gotta pee bad. 0.99

01:32:08.000 Like real bad. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Oh fuck, I'm peeing. 0.99

01:32:11.000 And me and Josh are both like, what? 1.00

01:32:14.000 Are you really?

01:32:15.000 He's like, I can't stop it now.

01:32:16.000 I'm peeing.

01:32:17.000 He just pisses himself?

01:32:19.000 Yeah, I'm like...

01:32:21.000 Out of nowhere?

01:32:22.000 What was he doing?

01:32:23.000 I hope Moses doesn't mind me telling this story.

01:32:26.000 It's way too funny to not tell.

01:32:27.000 Sorry, Moses.

01:32:29.000 You're cool.

01:32:30.000 You're cool.

01:32:30.000 You can handle this.

01:32:32.000 But what's unbelievable about the story is who cares that he peed himself?

01:32:37.000 What are the odds that a guy peed himself that never pees himself ever?

01:32:42.000 What are the odds that he peed himself in the backseat of where this kid sleeps?

01:32:47.000 Yeah.

01:32:47.000 Now he has to, no matter where he's staying, has to put his feet on that end of the back seat and his head on the other side.

01:32:56.000 And by the way, if he'd just given a few minutes a warning, we could've gotten off and eaten.

01:33:02.000 Who has to pee so quick?

01:33:05.000 I almost forgot how great this story really is.

01:33:07.000 It was on the ice house, right?

01:33:09.000 Because they came right to the ice house.

01:33:10.000 And then Brian just says, I just had to go.

01:33:12.000 It just came out of nowhere.

01:33:13.000 I just had to go.

01:33:14.000 And you could tell, even as it was happening, he's like, yeah, this never happens. 0.99

01:33:18.000 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 0.98

01:33:20.000 Well, it happens when people poop themselves, right? 0.99

01:33:23.000 That almost makes more sense.

01:33:25.000 Like, sometimes people get diarrhea, and you're like, oh, God, like, I remember just a couple weeks ago, I barely made it to the toilet.

01:33:31.000 I had these insane pains in my lower stomach, and I was climbing, I was going upstairs when I started to have them.

01:33:38.000 I'm like, oh, no!

01:33:39.000 Like, this is like a real battle.

01:33:41.000 So I was squeezing.

01:33:44.000 And I couldn't talk to anybody.

01:33:45.000 I'm like, I can't talk, can't talk, excuse me.

01:33:47.000 And I had to push past my kids and get to the toilet.

01:33:50.000 And I shut the door like, Daddy's gotta go, hold on, I'll be right out. 0.99

01:33:53.000 And they're asking me questions and shit. 0.98

01:33:55.000 And I sit down, I had to lock the door. 0.98

01:33:57.000 Because they start working the knob. 1.00

01:33:59.000 Like five-year-olds saying, give a fuck if you have to go to their bed. 1.00

01:34:02.000 This doesn't register with them. 1.00

01:34:03.000 They're like, Daddy, I have to talk to you about something.

01:34:05.000 I'm like, hold on, hold on.

01:34:06.000 And it just, rah! 0.99

01:34:08.000 It rushed out of me like a horde of barbarians, just swinging broadswords and fucking pushing the enemy over the cliff. 0.99

01:34:15.000 It was insane how it was coming out. 0.99

01:34:17.000 I can't even imagine. 1.00

01:34:18.000 You must have like real man shits. 0.99

01:34:20.000 Like I could never eat my little tiny deer droplets come out. 1.00

01:34:25.000 But you're starting to eat meat now.

01:34:26.000 Tony eats meat now.

01:34:28.000 Tony has a different diet now.

01:34:30.000 I've been eating meat for a few weeks and I am pumped about it.

01:34:33.000 I'm excited about it.

01:34:34.000 I had a whole chicken breast yesterday.

01:34:36.000 That's great.

01:34:37.000 You went from being a vegan to being a carnivore.

01:34:40.000 Yeah.

01:34:40.000 Steak sandwich for dinner last night, chicken breast for lunch.

01:34:43.000 What was it?

01:34:44.000 What pushed you over the top?

01:34:45.000 Besides the mocking of everyone around you.

01:34:48.000 Right.

01:34:49.000 It was mostly that I wanted to have friends again.

01:34:52.000 Uh...

01:34:56.000 My dad.

01:34:57.000 I didn't get to go back to Youngstown where I'm from for a few years.

01:35:02.000 I've just been, you know, it's blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:35:04.000 But anyway, I went into my dad's restaurant.

01:35:07.000 He owns a great Italian restaurant where I'm from in Youngstown.

01:35:11.000 Give it a plug. 0.95

01:35:14.000 Well, I actually shouldn't.

01:35:16.000 Probably a bad idea.

01:35:16.000 Yeah, I've talked about other stuff about him on another podcast.

01:35:20.000 Anyway.

01:35:22.000 What's his restaurant?

01:35:24.000 Applebee's.

01:35:24.000 It's an independent, great Italian restaurant.

01:35:27.000 But he looked at me so disappointed when he goes, Alright, what do you want me to make for you?

01:35:33.000 I'm going back.

01:35:34.000 I'm going to make something.

01:35:35.000 And I go, Whatever you want.

01:35:37.000 I don't eat meat and I don't eat dairy.

01:35:39.000 And the look he gave me.

01:35:41.000 It was like Emperor Palpatine electricity out of nowhere and you're just like...

01:35:48.000 Oh my god 31 years this guy's been my dad and I've never gotten a look of like he stopped and looked at me Confused and sort of like turned his head like a dog. 0.98

01:35:58.000 Like are you fucking kidding me? 0.96

01:36:01.000 So is your dad like Sebastian? 0.99

01:36:03.000 Totally.

01:36:04.000 Yeah, my dad's like a complete perfect hybrid of Sebastian and Dice.

01:36:09.000 That's my dad Complete hybrid of those two guys.

01:36:13.000 Are you Kidding me?

01:36:16.000 So then and there you quit?

01:36:18.000 No, he waited until he got back and then did it the day he got back.

01:36:21.000 Well, nobody out of all the years, out of everything, it's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish, so it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy, so it's weird.

01:36:32.000 Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here and our very good friend Pete, because I hang out with them all the time.

01:36:41.000 And so something happened, and I just sort of like, after the few days of being back and being like, I wonder how good my dad's...

01:36:49.000 I mean, the seafood pasta that he made for me was the most mind-bending seafood pasta I've ever had in my life, but there was something about the look that he gave me. 1.00

01:36:57.000 In which it's like, do you have any idea what you're missing out on, you fucking idiot? 1.00

01:37:00.000 I'll make you the seafood pasta shirt. 1.00

01:37:02.000 Your face looks fuller.

01:37:03.000 Yeah.

01:37:04.000 Yeah.

01:37:04.000 His body looks fuller, too, I think.

01:37:06.000 Yeah, it looks like you've stopped this growth stunt.

01:37:09.000 Like, you had maybe, like, a bend in a garden hose, and just opened it up, and now you're starting to fill in. 0.98

01:37:15.000 Have you seen his butt lately? 0.99

01:37:16.000 Look at his little butt. 1.00

01:37:17.000 He's got a new butt. 0.99

01:37:18.000 You got a little butt? 1.00

01:37:19.000 Show me your butt. 1.00

01:37:19.000 I don't have a butt. 1.00

01:37:20.000 Show me your little butt! 1.00

01:37:21.000 You do seem... 1.00

01:37:23.000 Are you really standing up to show your butt? 1.00

01:37:25.000 Don't listen to him. 1.00

01:37:26.000 I know. 0.99

01:37:26.000 I was looking to see if I had a butt. 0.99

01:37:28.000 Don't listen to him. 0.99

01:37:29.000 I wasn't showing you.

01:37:30.000 I was looking to see if I had one.

01:37:32.000 How could you check?

01:37:33.000 How could you be sure?

01:37:34.000 That's a terrible angle.

01:37:35.000 Look at that.

01:37:35.000 There's no way to be sure.

01:37:36.000 I actually think he's right.

01:37:37.000 See that little poop?

01:37:38.000 Are you lifting weights or something?

01:37:40.000 Oh yeah.

01:37:41.000 Every day.

01:37:41.000 Squats?

01:37:43.000 No, no squats.

01:37:44.000 I just have a couple dumbbells.

01:37:46.000 I just work shoulders and press and curls.

01:37:50.000 You should go to a trainer.

01:37:51.000 Yeah, I should.

01:37:51.000 You know what would be a funny show?

01:37:52.000 You and Brian.

01:37:54.000 Losing weight and gaining weight.

01:37:55.000 Both of you together.

01:37:56.000 In and out.

01:37:57.000 You can call it In and Out.

01:37:58.000 What's creatine?

01:38:00.000 Creatine.

01:38:00.000 Yeah, everyone says I should do that.

01:38:02.000 It helps muscles recover and it helps them grow.

01:38:05.000 And it helps them retain water.

01:38:07.000 And some people, when you take too much of it, it gives you kind of like a puffy look because you'll retain like a little bit more water, apparently.

01:38:15.000 I don't want to talk out of school, but it's definitely been shown to be beneficial for gaining muscle.

01:38:20.000 Yeah.

01:38:20.000 And it's also something that they measure if you are over-trained.

01:38:26.000 I think it's called creatinine.

01:38:28.000 I think it's a little bit of a different thing.

01:38:29.000 But it's something that shows the damage of your muscles.

01:38:33.000 So if you're grossly over-trained, you might have really high levels of this stuff.

01:38:38.000 I know of a guy.

01:38:40.000 There's a guy I think was pulled out of a fight because of it.

01:38:43.000 Like, they tested him, and he tested really high for this creatinine stuff.

01:38:47.000 I want to say Tim Catalfo.

01:38:50.000 It's hard for me to remember.

01:38:51.000 But there was another organization outside the UFC a long time ago.

01:38:55.000 I don't remember that.

01:38:56.000 I don't know how I remember that.

01:38:57.000 But creatine works.

01:38:59.000 It's legal, too.

01:39:00.000 Also, what's your energy, like five-hour energy before doing our workout?

01:39:05.000 Is that bad for you?

01:39:05.000 No.

01:39:06.000 I'm so paranoid because this thing tracks your heartbeat at all times.

01:39:10.000 Well, the milligrams of caffeine, if you look at a five-hour energy drink, I think it's only a little bit over 200 milligrams of caffeine.

01:39:16.000 It's vitamin B12, which is healthy for you.

01:39:18.000 You get some stimulation from that.

01:39:21.000 It's a lot of vitamin B12. But vitamin B12 is water-soluble.

01:39:24.000 It goes right out of your system, in and out.

01:39:26.000 You'd have to take a giant amount of it for a long period of time to have any negative effects.

01:39:31.000 So using it as a stimulant or a potential energy source like that, five hour energy is fine.

01:39:37.000 It's not bad for you.

01:39:38.000 The only thing with the five hour energy is you could have a niacin flush.

01:39:42.000 You ever have one of those?

01:39:42.000 Oh, yeah.

01:39:43.000 Well, I take niacin.

01:39:45.000 I take flash niacin, which makes my whole skin tingle. 0.99

01:39:48.000 It makes me fucking red. 0.99

01:39:49.000 Bright red? 0.99

01:39:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:50.000 Shit's really good for it. 1.00

01:39:51.000 I've had it happen before. 0.99

01:39:52.000 I went on this five-hour energy thing where I thought five-hour energies were just the greatest thing for a while.

01:39:59.000 And maybe like my 10th or 15th one over like a couple months and...

01:40:05.000 One of those hit me and it just freaked me out.

01:40:08.000 Oh, you got a niacin flash?

01:40:09.000 Yeah.

01:40:10.000 Yeah, Steve, that's nothing compared to taking the actual niacin.

01:40:13.000 You take actual niacin, it's nuts, man.

01:40:15.000 The feeling you get, the tingling on your skin.

01:40:18.000 It freaks some people out.

01:40:19.000 It freaked me out.

01:40:19.000 What is it?

01:40:20.000 I like it.

01:40:20.000 It's a supplement.

01:40:21.000 I like it because I know it's not going to kill me, but you're feeling the reaction of this nutrient.

01:40:27.000 It makes your skin tingle and flush.

01:40:31.000 Yeah, they call it flash niacin.

01:40:33.000 But it's an essential nutrient, really good for your body.

01:40:36.000 A lot of people are low in it.

01:40:37.000 Good for sex, I imagine. 1.00

01:40:39.000 Oh, shit, yeah, son. 1.00

01:40:41.000 Well, it's also, that's what, the stuff like nitrous oxide, which a lot of people take, like different pump-up. 1.00

01:40:50.000 Crackers.

01:40:51.000 Those things, they have a similar effect to Viagra and Cialis.

01:40:56.000 They have a similar effect in being like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow.

01:41:05.000 A lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics, like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance-enhancing supplement. 0.94

01:41:15.000 Not that they judge you when you're fucking, but that your muscles... 0.99

01:41:18.000 The reason why your dick gets harder, everything gets bigger. 1.00

01:41:21.000 You get harder. 0.99

01:41:23.000 Your body has more resources available for a brief amount of time.

01:41:28.000 At least they determined enough to make it illegal in the Olympics.

01:41:30.000 Pretty interesting stuff.

01:41:32.000 I wonder if there's any sports where having a boner actually helps you at the time, like Javelin.

01:41:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:39.000 Wrestling.

01:41:39.000 Freak the other guy out, right?

01:41:41.000 Yeah, just let him know.

01:41:42.000 Yeah.

01:41:42.000 This is to the death.

01:41:43.000 What's up? 0.93

01:41:45.000 Taking Salis and Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners and all these guys. 0.97

01:41:53.000 Well, you've got to tap homeboy down. 0.98

01:41:55.000 Tack him down.

01:41:55.000 You've got to have some tight jammies.

01:41:57.000 You can't be running around.

01:41:58.000 Yeah, you can't be wearing those There's a guy at the gym that has that muscle.

01:42:10.000 There's a guy at the gym that has that crazy bodybuilder. 0.98

01:42:13.000 But it's so ridiculous. 0.97

01:42:15.000 It looks like he pumps the gel in to that point. 0.98

01:42:18.000 It's so uncomfortable when he's around.

01:42:20.000 They do do that, man.

01:42:21.000 You know about that stuff?

01:42:23.000 There's this stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles.

01:42:30.000 But they don't really have giant muscles.

01:42:32.000 They have these oil-swollen limbs that don't look real. 0.99

01:42:36.000 So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs on their shoulders, fake boobs on their boobs. 1.00

01:42:41.000 There's a weirdness to it, where you can tell that the guy's not really strong, but he has these crazy, fake, giant arms that don't look real at all, and giant traps. 0.97

01:42:51.000 Like, there's this one, like, look at this guy.

01:42:54.000 Get out of here.

01:42:55.000 Yeah, that's Synthol.

01:42:57.000 That's what the guy looks like at my gym.

01:42:59.000 It's scary looking.

01:43:00.000 Yeah, look at that guy.

01:43:02.000 If you cut that guy open, he would spill out like a bottle of olive oil.

01:43:07.000 That's exactly what he looks like.

01:43:09.000 That's so creepy that these guys make their entire lives around the size of their bodies.

01:43:14.000 What is this guy? 1.00

01:43:16.000 Look at this shit. 1.00

01:43:18.000 Popeye. 1.00

01:43:18.000 This is insane. 1.00

01:43:20.000 Even Popeye wasn't that ridiculous. 0.99

01:43:22.000 This is insane. 0.99

01:43:23.000 Oh my god, look at his arms, man. 0.94

01:43:25.000 Look at his neck boob. 0.88

01:43:26.000 Well, that's all...

01:43:28.000 All that synthol, because look at his abs and look at his chest.

01:43:31.000 It doesn't even make any sense.

01:43:32.000 He has a built-in neck pillow.

01:43:33.000 It must be fun to fly with.

01:43:35.000 What was that other one that you just showed?

01:43:36.000 Is that the guy, what he used to look like?

01:43:38.000 Oh, Photoshop face.

01:43:40.000 See, that guy, that's a real bodybuilder body.

01:43:42.000 That guy, that's just steroids and lifting weights.

01:43:45.000 You can tell the difference when you see those synth oil bodies.

01:43:48.000 There's a video of one.

01:43:49.000 Find the video of the Brazilian dude.

01:43:50.000 There's a Brazilian dude who's got a shirt off and he's dancing.

01:43:53.000 And it's so weird, man. 0.78

01:43:55.000 You're looking at his tits move and his shoulders move and his biceps move. 1.00

01:44:00.000 And you're like, what the fuck is... 1.00

01:44:02.000 Why? 1.00

01:44:04.000 They get crazy, but it's just like anorexia, man.

01:44:06.000 You don't know what you look like.

01:44:08.000 Your mind gets warped.

01:44:10.000 Oh yeah, body dysmorphia is 100% real.

01:44:12.000 People's, their mind gets warped and they just decide, I'm not skinny enough, and they just keep starving themselves, so there's nothing left. 0.98

01:44:18.000 That happens with people that get all kinds of crazy shit done to them. 0.99

01:44:22.000 Did you see Amy? 0.99

01:44:23.000 The documentary on Amy Winehouse?

01:44:25.000 I didn't want to watch it, man.

01:44:27.000 That's another one.

01:44:28.000 Unbelievable.

01:44:29.000 Someone was sitting next to me.

01:44:31.000 Maybe it was Ian.

01:44:32.000 We were on the plane.

01:44:33.000 Was it you?

01:44:33.000 It was Jamie.

01:44:34.000 We were watching it.

01:44:36.000 I looked over a little bit of it.

01:44:38.000 I'm like, I don't want to watch this kid having a great time, having all this talent, and then turn into a junkie and fall apart and an alcoholic.

01:44:45.000 It just makes me sad.

01:44:47.000 Yeah.

01:44:48.000 It's depressing, man.

01:44:49.000 Well, the main thing is that she had dysmorphia and she was totally bulimic the entire time.

01:44:53.000 And it's probably basically what sort of killed her is like her body was just on complete shutdown.

01:44:58.000 When you get to that point, you know, her face started swelling up.

01:45:01.000 Like there's crazy things that happen deep into bulimia. 0.99

01:45:03.000 God damn. 0.99

01:45:04.000 So towards the end she had bulimia? 1.00

01:45:06.000 Oh, she had it the whole time.

01:45:08.000 And it was like a huge part of everything.

01:45:10.000 She would always just throw up everything that she had.

01:45:13.000 But an amazing documentary.

01:45:14.000 Oh my god.

01:45:15.000 It starts with this...

01:45:17.000 There's like so much old video footage of her.

01:45:20.000 And it starts with her hanging out with her friends.

01:45:22.000 And they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends.

01:45:25.000 There's like five girls all hanging out. 0.99

01:45:27.000 And they're just like little girls.

01:45:28.000 Like, I don't know, 10, 11 or 12. And they're all singing Happy Birthday, and then she keeps going on this solo, and you're like, oh my gosh, already totally a star.

01:45:38.000 She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills. 1.00

01:45:43.000 No, I love it also, the documentary, because she was amazing. 0.99

01:45:47.000 She just had pipes, and she has that cool old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up. 1.00

01:45:53.000 I've been listening to a lot of it. 0.79

01:45:54.000 Yeah, I listen to her a lot.

01:45:56.000 I've always been a big fan of hers.

01:45:57.000 But she has this, there's like an authenticity to the sound of her voice, right?

01:46:01.000 Yeah, totally, totally standalone.

01:46:03.000 Almost there with like an Ella Fitzgerald type or like...

01:46:07.000 Have you ever heard of Ray Montague?

01:46:09.000 La Montague?

01:46:10.000 Is that how you say his name?

01:46:11.000 I think so.

01:46:12.000 I can't remember what he's done. 0.99

01:46:13.000 There's this fucking guy, Rose, at the Comedy Store. 0.99

01:46:17.000 She, out of nowhere, she goes, we're leaving. 1.00

01:46:21.000 Everybody's leaving, and she pulls into the parking lot, and she's like, you gotta hear this fucking song. 0.99

01:46:25.000 She goes, you gotta hear this guy. 0.99

01:46:27.000 I go, who?

01:46:28.000 And she goes, I mean, it's out of nowhere.

01:46:30.000 She's like this guy, Ray Montague, and he's got this song.

01:46:35.000 No, not Trouble.

01:46:36.000 It's not Trouble.

01:46:37.000 He's got this song, Jolene.

01:46:38.000 See if you can find Jolene.

01:46:40.000 So she plays this song.

01:46:44.000 Yeah, there it is, Jolene.

01:46:45.000 That's like his most famous one. 1.00

01:46:47.000 Wait till you hear this motherfucker's voice. 1.00

01:46:50.000 Don't play it until you get everything in line, because I don't want it to half-play and then play again. 0.99

01:46:57.000 Because this guy, his voice is so good, it deserves to be uninterrupted for the brief amount.

01:47:03.000 Don't do a live version.

01:47:04.000 Do the studio version.

01:47:06.000 Is this a studio version?

01:47:07.000 Yeah.

01:47:07.000 Okay, cool.

01:47:11.000 Okay.

01:47:11.000 Hear this real quick.

01:47:22.000 Is that as loud as it gets?

01:47:25.000 Just listen to it.

01:47:56.000 It's amazing.

01:47:57.000 I like it. 1.00

01:47:58.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:47:59.000 Listen to this. 1.00

01:48:00.000 Listen to this. 1.00

01:48:31.000 That's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:48:32.000 That's an undeniable bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:48:35.000 He's got like a touch of that Rod Stewart raspiness, but not like all the way Rod Stewart. 0.99

01:48:40.000 Well, he's just him.

01:48:42.000 He's him.

01:48:43.000 You know, whatever.

01:48:43.000 It's kind of raspy, but I wouldn't compare him to anybody else.

01:48:46.000 He's not like a Rod Stewart.

01:48:47.000 He's got his own vibe going on, man.

01:48:49.000 That's a crazy song, too.

01:48:50.000 A song about a junkie that's just telling his love.

01:48:53.000 I'm not going straight.

01:48:54.000 Like, this is it. 0.99

01:48:55.000 I'm fucking riding it out. 0.99

01:48:58.000 Whoo! 1.00

01:48:58.000 That's a dark song with a fucking soul to it. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Is that a guy that's still alive? 1.00

01:49:03.000 Yeah.

01:49:04.000 Yeah, he's still alive.

01:49:05.000 I mean, it's just a song.

01:49:06.000 He's not a junkie, for real.

01:49:07.000 No, no, no, I mean...

01:49:08.000 I mean, he actually might be. 0.99

01:49:09.000 He might be kind of fucked up, for real. 0.98

01:49:11.000 And that's another thing about the Amy thing, is it's like... 0.99

01:49:14.000 And Kurt Cobain, too.

01:49:16.000 It's like, what is that connection where these Freaky, freaky.

01:49:22.000 Both vocal-wise and they write their songs.

01:49:27.000 It makes you wonder, why is there always this crazy adverse effect on the other end?

01:49:32.000 Of heroin.

01:49:33.000 Yeah.

01:49:34.000 Yeah.

01:49:35.000 Well, heroin has some sort of connection to like this deep moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some I think?

01:50:13.000 That's what cripples them all.

01:50:15.000 It crushes them all.

01:50:16.000 There's people that are like functional junkies that exist for a long time.

01:50:20.000 They can live for a long time.

01:50:21.000 It's weird.

01:50:23.000 Even being an alcoholic, it's not just the alcohol.

01:50:26.000 It's also the lifestyle that you live.

01:50:29.000 This unhealthy lack of sleep, lack of recovery, lack of nutrients.

01:50:33.000 It's not just the alcohol. 0.66

01:50:35.000 It's the fact that because you're throwing all this alcohol down your shithole, It's affecting your whole body.

01:50:44.000 Those decisions to drink that much booze that affects everything you do.

01:50:48.000 You're not going to drink that much booze and also eat an incredibly nutrient-rich organic diet. 0.99

01:50:54.000 You're going to go to Air One and get a fucking salad bar. 0.99

01:50:57.000 You're not going to do that. 1.00

01:50:58.000 You're a drunk.

01:50:59.000 It all goes bad. 1.00

01:51:01.000 And I think with a lot of these junkies, they just give in to the fucking sound. 1.00

01:51:05.000 They give in to the siren. 1.00

01:51:06.000 They give in to the song of the beast.

01:51:08.000 It just takes it into its veins.

01:51:12.000 Then you sing a song like that.

01:51:16.000 That's another thing with Amy. 0.75

01:51:17.000 You also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and she was doing good and good and good and good and then she started heroin.

01:51:30.000 And then it's like, immediately, you know, even the documentary shows, and it's like, alright, and she started doing heroin, all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to, like, amphitheaters to whole new songs, you know, Rehab, the album Back to Black or Back in Black, which is just all hits,

01:51:46.000 like, out of this world.

01:51:48.000 Right.

01:51:48.000 And it, you know, made me wonder, it's like, wow, I just wish there was like a, uh, like some kind of, uh, What's the word?

01:51:57.000 Like, fake system or prototype or something that you could try that would be like, what would I write if I was on heroin?

01:52:05.000 I don't think you get to peek.

01:52:07.000 I think you have to open up the present.

01:52:09.000 We should all get together and find, like, a professional.

01:52:12.000 I'm not doing any drugs with you.

01:52:16.000 Do some heroin, ride the white snake, whatever.

01:52:18.000 Smoking pot with you is problematic 45% of the time.

01:52:21.000 Why would anybody want to do heroin with you? 1.00

01:52:24.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:52:26.000 Do you understand? 0.98

01:52:27.000 I always love that.

01:52:28.000 You never come to any of those mushroom trips with us either.

01:52:31.000 It makes me think you know something about yourself that you don't want us all to know.

01:52:35.000 No, it's just...

01:52:36.000 When I'm on mushrooms and stuff, I like hanging out and not being a retard and not having a bunch of people around me. 0.99

01:52:43.000 I like just...

01:52:45.000 You know, one other person, you know, either a girlfriend or, like, a best friend.

01:52:49.000 I don't need 20 people getting in my, like, 20 different things that could go wrong.

01:52:54.000 Well, not only that, at least one of them is going to have a problem.

01:52:57.000 Yeah.

01:52:58.000 Every time you have a group of six or more people that are doing mushrooms, one person freaks out.

01:53:03.000 They always freak out.

01:53:04.000 And that will become your problem if you don't watch out, you know?

01:53:06.000 Yeah.

01:53:06.000 I like being quiet.

01:53:08.000 Not just become your problem, but there's some people that when you're on trips with them, they want to dedicate the trip to their trip.

01:53:15.000 They want to dedicate your trip to their trip.

01:53:17.000 They want your trip to be about their trip.

01:53:19.000 Dude, I'm seeing this, and dude, this is happening.

01:53:21.000 Dude, I'm feeling this.

01:53:22.000 Like, hey, I'm over here doing my own thing, man.

01:53:24.000 I don't want to constantly be involved in your reporting of your trip while I'm tripping. 0.99

01:53:29.000 So if you have too many people together, you got to trip with someone who knows how to shut the fuck up. 0.99

01:53:35.000 Right. 0.98

01:53:36.000 That's a big part of it.

01:53:37.000 And that's what's incredible is that that always blows my mind is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little, like, the holiday that Ari Shaffir started Shroomfest.

01:53:47.000 So once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert.

01:53:50.000 You wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year, the supermoon.

01:53:54.000 And it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful it gets.

01:53:58.000 All these guys, like six, seven...

01:54:00.000 I guess it's normally like five, six, seven comedians that spend every other night talking.

01:54:06.000 You see them...

01:54:07.000 We all end up scattering.

01:54:08.000 It's not like we're sitting by a campfire or anything.

01:54:11.000 And you see little starry outlines of like, oh, that's Ryan Mervis over there just standing there.

01:54:16.000 It's amazing how quiet that beautiful desert can be with these personalities.

01:54:21.000 You almost feel like...

01:54:23.000 The power of it a little bit.

01:54:25.000 It's a potent psychedelic drug, man.

01:54:28.000 And if you use the right intention, if you have the right ideas going into it, and if you can handle it, you can get some wild thoughts out of it.

01:54:35.000 Yeah.

01:54:36.000 They're very beneficial.

01:54:37.000 And people will dismiss people, like, you know, people that have done it, they'll do this, well, you know, I don't even like what he does.

01:54:43.000 He's done mushrooms, and why would I do it?

01:54:47.000 It's not disputable.

01:54:49.000 The experience is not disputable.

01:54:51.000 It's powerful.

01:54:52.000 It's undeniably powerful.

01:54:53.000 I mean, it might not be for you.

01:54:55.000 I don't know you.

01:54:56.000 It cures people of depression.

01:54:58.000 It cures people of addiction.

01:54:59.000 It cures people of cigarette addiction.

01:55:01.000 It cures people of alcohol addiction.

01:55:03.000 It gives you a chance to look at yourself in a way that you probably would never be able to get to without it.

01:55:09.000 And it'll give it to you for a short window.

01:55:11.000 You get to see yourself.

01:55:12.000 You get to see life.

01:55:14.000 You get to see intention.

01:55:15.000 Yeah.

01:55:16.000 You get to see the past, you get to see the present, you get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence, this weird, like, overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head, where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you close your eyes are spectacular.

01:55:38.000 And somehow or another, it's illegal.

01:55:40.000 Yeah.

01:55:42.000 Insane.

01:55:42.000 That's the best part about it.

01:55:44.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

01:55:45.000 It's the stupidest thing to have illegal ever. 1.00

01:55:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:47.000 Like, that's the one thing that makes people better. 1.00

01:55:50.000 Like, we know it.

01:55:51.000 Like, John Hopkins University did the whole thing.

01:55:53.000 They did a thing on people that were dying.

01:55:55.000 People that had...

01:55:57.000 No, actually, it was personality.

01:56:00.000 That was a different one.

01:56:00.000 They did one on people that are dying.

01:56:02.000 They gave them psilocybin and significantly alleviated their stress levels.

01:56:08.000 And then they did another one on people.

01:56:11.000 The John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience, and then like over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience.

01:56:24.000 A lot of them were saying it.

01:56:26.000 There's a lot of benefits to a lot of these different things that they made illegal in 1970. We just got to face up to the facts.

01:56:31.000 We got fucked by the same people that had Nixon in power, Lyndon Johnson and those type of people. 0.91

01:56:36.000 We shouldn't be held prisoner to these old ways of thinking. 0.99

01:56:39.000 Totally.

01:56:39.000 But I think that law enforcement and a lot of people that control laws and have laws in place, they're very reluctant to give up a law or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust.

01:56:50.000 Because it opens up this giant box of shit, you know, like looking at all these people that are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes. 0.95

01:56:58.000 Now those drugs are legal. 1.00

01:57:00.000 What the fuck do you do with all those people in jail? 0.99

01:57:02.000 You know? 0.99

01:57:03.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:57:04.000 When Seattle, they're letting people out.

01:57:07.000 They're letting people, people that were in for pot and people that were selling pot, they're dropping their cases.

01:57:13.000 You know, it's one of those things to where, you know, what's crazy is like, I guess you haven't seen Making a Murderer, but it's like...

01:57:20.000 I know the premise, though.

01:57:21.000 And the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years, so maybe he did do this, and if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison.

01:57:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:57:33.000 Which brings it back to the jug people, is it's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murder because they jerked off for months to their bunkmate's fantasy that he told them, oh yeah, I tied this bitch up and it was the most fun. 0.99

01:57:48.000 And they're like, wow, that sounds interesting. 0.99

01:57:50.000 And they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that.

01:57:53.000 Yeah.

01:57:54.000 There's a lot of those things, right?

01:57:56.000 Yeah.

01:57:57.000 I mean, the recidivism rate of these prisons is insane.

01:58:02.000 And I did all this research on it when Jeff Ross did his prison special for Comedy Central.

01:58:08.000 I learned all about this stuff.

01:58:10.000 Jeff had a really powerful thing about that that he did.

01:58:13.000 Was it an interview or what it was?

01:58:16.000 I tweeted it.

01:58:17.000 I forget what it was.

01:58:18.000 But he was talking about what he learned about the prison system and how hopeless it is for the people that get stuck inside of it.

01:58:25.000 Yeah.

01:58:25.000 And then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania, that judge, that was sending these kids to juvenile detention, sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it.

01:58:36.000 That guy, he's in jail now.

01:58:38.000 But he was selling children to prisoners, to prisons, to private prisons.

01:58:43.000 Essentially, that's what he was doing.

01:58:44.000 It was a scam.

01:58:45.000 He was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners.

01:58:48.000 So he was taking these kids and just...

01:58:51.000 Ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses. 1.00

01:58:56.000 They should have never done time They're just kids and just locked them up and fucked them over and then kept them trapped and imagine how terrified you'd be your 15 16 year old kid and you do some normal kid shit and all sudden you get railroaded through this justice system and this guy who's corrupt Sends you to a detention to get you away from your parents and all sudden you're locked up in some fucking juvenile center somewhere with a bunch of real legit criminals Fuck man. 1.00

01:59:20.000 Yeah That's like insane. 1.00

01:59:22.000 Yeah.

01:59:23.000 It doesn't mean that all judges are bad, right?

01:59:25.000 Right.

01:59:25.000 Right?

01:59:25.000 Doesn't mean all judges would do that, but fuck.

01:59:29.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:59:30.000 Gotta come up with a better system for dealing with people. 1.00

01:59:33.000 Because it's almost like if someone does something wrong, we just write them off. 0.99

01:59:36.000 We just write them off and send them to this hole and lock them up in this cage where shit's just gonna get way worse. 1.00

01:59:41.000 And if you don't want shit to get way worse, you have to... 1.00

01:59:46.000 Followed by the rules or you get stuffed into a concrete and metal box forever. 1.00

01:59:52.000 Mm-hmm.

01:59:53.000 Craziness.

01:59:55.000 It's insane.

01:59:56.000 But what do you do?

01:59:56.000 What do you do with someone who is, like, a lifelong criminal and is broken mentally?

02:00:02.000 Like, how do you fix that person?

02:00:04.000 I think you put them in a stormtrooper type of setup and just make them a soldier and ship them around the country and program them to only be able to do certain things.

02:00:13.000 Like RoboCop programming?

02:00:15.000 Yeah.

02:00:17.000 Hobo Cop.

02:00:20.000 You got to there just because you had Hobo Cop in your head, didn't you?

02:00:25.000 You said Robo Cop.

02:00:27.000 Hobo Cop, you set me up.

02:00:29.000 I wouldn't set myself up for a Hobo Cop thing.

02:00:32.000 Oh my god.

02:00:36.000 What movie was that where they reprogram people's minds?

02:00:39.000 Universal Soldier, right?

02:00:40.000 Ah, that's it.

02:00:41.000 Thank you.

02:00:41.000 You knew the answer to that before you started.

02:00:46.000 And the other guy, not just Van Damme.

02:00:48.000 Yes, thank you. 1.00

02:00:50.000 Universal Soldier was the shit. 0.99

02:00:52.000 That was a good movie. 1.00

02:00:54.000 That's right.

02:00:54.000 That's exactly what it was.

02:00:56.000 Look, that's totally possible.

02:00:57.000 That's probably possible before they even figure out how to do the robot thing.

02:01:01.000 They'll probably figure out how to program people's minds.

02:01:04.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:05.000 You know?

02:01:06.000 Man.

02:01:07.000 It's just a matter of time.

02:01:10.000 I mean, yeah.

02:01:11.000 It seems like...

02:01:12.000 Wow.

02:01:15.000 We got lasers on.

02:01:19.000 It must be serious.

02:01:21.000 Yeah.

02:01:22.000 That was so hilarious.

02:01:24.000 What's that?

02:01:25.000 Tiny Lester too.

02:01:26.000 Oh yeah.

02:01:27.000 Tiny Lester in the background.

02:01:29.000 That's hilarious.

02:01:31.000 Those movies were fun.

02:01:32.000 I roasted Tiny Lister at that same roast that Screech was at.

02:01:36.000 Let me ask you this.

02:01:38.000 If someone came along, what if someone was in a motorcycle accident and they were essentially brain dead and some doctors came along and said that they have the ability to turn this guy into a soldier robot and he could go fight for his country?

02:01:52.000 Like, your brother's dead, Tony, but we can keep him alive and have him go defend his country.

02:01:59.000 We're gonna send him over to Afghanistan. 0.99

02:02:02.000 I mean, hey, might as well better there than buried, right?

02:02:05.000 Do you think so?

02:02:06.000 Isn't that what Deadpool is?

02:02:08.000 Deadpool?

02:02:08.000 Deadpool the comic.

02:02:09.000 Is it?

02:02:10.000 I think.

02:02:10.000 I love it.

02:02:12.000 Isn't he of, like, superpowers or some shit? 0.95

02:02:14.000 They give him some sort of badass powers. 0.98

02:02:16.000 Oh.

02:02:16.000 But he was gonna die, or he's given terminal...

02:02:18.000 Oh, see, that's a comic book that I was never aware of.

02:02:21.000 Me either, really.

02:02:22.000 So when this one comes out, I'm completely out of my element.

02:02:25.000 I don't know anything about it.

02:02:25.000 Yeah, me either.

02:02:26.000 That was a Marvel, though, right?

02:02:27.000 It was a Marvel comic?

02:02:28.000 They're doing some clever marketing for it, too.

02:02:30.000 That's pretty good.

02:02:31.000 Interesting.

02:02:31.000 Well, this is a movie that almost didn't get made, but then they made a really cool, like, trailer.

02:02:36.000 Someone made a fun trailer, and the interest for it picked up, so they decided to make the movie.

02:02:42.000 What's the movie?

02:02:43.000 Deadpool.

02:02:44.000 Deadpool.

02:02:44.000 They made this fake Valentine's Day to try to try to trick some people.

02:02:49.000 True Love Never Dies, Valentine's Day.

02:02:52.000 That's so great.

02:02:54.000 Rom-com style posters.

02:02:56.000 And Ryan Reynolds is taking full advantage.

02:02:59.000 Yeah, man.

02:03:00.000 It's going to be interesting.

02:03:03.000 There's going to come a time where they can sort of re...

02:03:09.000 Reanimate a human body.

02:03:11.000 Put an artificial brain in it.

02:03:12.000 It might be the first thing they do before they go to artificial intelligence. 0.99

02:03:15.000 Take some dude, get his head blown off. 0.99

02:03:17.000 It's like that dead dog. 1.00

02:03:19.000 His heart's still hanging on.

02:03:21.000 It's not thawed out yet.

02:03:23.000 Not thickened up.

02:03:26.000 Yeah, they just keep it going. 0.98

02:03:28.000 Just slap some robot head on there, screw it down. 0.94

02:03:33.000 Like Robocop style. 0.94

02:03:34.000 Like a pit crew.

02:03:35.000 Isn't it Isn't it funny how, like, RoboCop, when you watched that movie back in the day, was like, this is so never gonna happen.

02:03:45.000 Right.

02:03:45.000 But today, you're like, well...

02:03:48.000 I bet they could probably do it.

02:03:50.000 We're probably pretty close to being able to come up with some artificial limbs that are more strong and more dynamic.

02:03:58.000 They just have to have some sort of a power source.

02:04:00.000 Yeah, there he is.

02:04:01.000 Robocop.

02:04:02.000 Wow.

02:04:02.000 He had a dope outfit, too.

02:04:04.000 The new Robocop...

02:04:05.000 I never saw it.

02:04:06.000 I wasn't really into the new outfit.

02:04:07.000 The new outfit just didn't...

02:04:09.000 Is this the new one?

02:04:10.000 Ugh.

02:04:11.000 Did you watch the new one?

02:04:12.000 No, I did not.

02:04:13.000 I think that is the new one.

02:04:14.000 I met that dude.

02:04:15.000 Yeah?

02:04:16.000 Yeah.

02:04:16.000 See, why doesn't he have his hands covered?

02:04:18.000 I'm going to chop your hands off, bitch. 1.00

02:04:19.000 Exactly! 1.00

02:04:20.000 Then what you're going to do?

02:04:21.000 You've got to have your hands covered.

02:04:22.000 How come your mouth isn't covered either? 1.00

02:04:24.000 I'll shoot you right in the mouth hole. 1.00

02:04:25.000 We've identified the weak spots. 1.00

02:04:27.000 Yeah, you don't want to have an exposed mouth hole. 0.83

02:04:29.000 Go for the mouth on your hands. 1.00

02:04:30.000 Yeah, why would you ever have an exposed mouth hole?

02:04:33.000 Yeah, he doesn't have it.

02:04:33.000 He's got his whole face.

02:04:34.000 Yeah, his whole face is ready to be shot. 0.99

02:04:37.000 Because I'm assuming there's a brain back there, right? 0.99

02:04:39.000 You've got skin. 1.00

02:04:41.000 I'm going to shoot right through your eyeballs. 1.00

02:04:44.000 What in your brain? 1.00

02:04:44.000 So stupid. 1.00

02:04:45.000 You know? 1.00

02:04:46.000 Like he's got like a regular human mouth.

02:04:48.000 Why would you have that when everything else is protected?

02:04:50.000 Yeah.

02:04:50.000 You can't project?

02:04:51.000 You have some sort of a speaker on the outside?

02:04:53.000 There's so many veins and important arteries that run around the neck.

02:04:58.000 How's he going to eat with no teeth? 0.98

02:04:59.000 He's going to get shot in the face with a cannon. 0.97

02:05:01.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:05:01.000 Is the new one in Detroit too? 0.97

02:05:02.000 Do you know?

02:05:03.000 That seems like the best place to put it.

02:05:05.000 Today it is, yeah, right?

02:05:06.000 No one seems to have seen this movie.

02:05:08.000 It must have been a robo-flop.

02:05:09.000 Yeah.

02:05:10.000 What?

02:05:11.000 He got you.

02:05:12.000 He out-punned you.

02:05:14.000 I went to it.

02:05:15.000 He went to it.

02:05:16.000 He had it.

02:05:17.000 He delivered it.

02:05:18.000 You were stunned, and now you're defensive.

02:05:20.000 I know.

02:05:20.000 It's not true.

02:05:21.000 I actually went and saw the movie, and I ate a lot of popcorn during it.

02:05:25.000 I was a robo-slop.

02:05:26.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

02:05:27.000 Robo-stop.

02:05:30.000 He double got you!

02:05:32.000 We're cleaning house in here.

02:05:34.000 Somebody grab us a robo mop. 0.97

02:05:36.000 Oh.

02:05:38.000 It's like, your guys' expectations are too high, right?

02:05:42.000 Once you hear robo, you know it's coming.

02:05:44.000 This is a pun battle, like roast battle.

02:05:47.000 Red Band just one-toed you.

02:05:49.000 I love it.

02:05:49.000 He just one-toed you.

02:05:50.000 He pun-toed me.

02:05:52.000 Why do you keep making that noise?

02:05:54.000 That's a good one.

02:05:54.000 That's what you do with puns.

02:05:55.000 That's what I do with puns.

02:05:57.000 That's what I do.

02:05:58.000 I go, oh.

02:06:00.000 How would you like me to react?

02:06:02.000 I'll do whatever you like.

02:06:03.000 I don't know, like...

02:06:04.000 I love that.

02:06:11.000 That's the pun laugh from now on.

02:06:15.000 Could you imagine if someone cracks a pun on stage and the whole crowd goes...

02:06:24.000 That would be awesome. 1.00

02:06:26.000 Dude, you're fucking manifested. 0.99

02:06:28.000 You better be careful what you wish for. 1.00

02:06:29.000 Oh my god, I love it.

02:06:30.000 Careful what you wish for, young Tony.

02:06:33.000 Young Tony's gonna be with me Friday night in Atlanta.

02:06:37.000 Yeah, I'm gonna be with you when my special comes out.

02:06:39.000 And then Saturday night in Tampa, you will already be a star by the time you get on stage.

02:06:43.000 It'll already have launch and people will know.

02:06:45.000 And you'll be doing all new material.

02:06:47.000 Yeah.

02:06:47.000 That's the beautiful thing.

02:06:48.000 You did this a few months back.

02:06:51.000 How many months ago?

02:06:52.000 March 2015. So it's almost a year.

02:06:54.000 Yeah.

02:06:56.000 And in that time, you've got a whole new hour.

02:06:59.000 I have a new, yeah, 34. 35, somewhere in there.

02:07:05.000 It's ever-changing.

02:07:06.000 I've been realizing lately...

02:07:08.000 I don't know.

02:07:08.000 Yeah.

02:07:09.000 It's wibbly-wobbly.

02:07:10.000 So you bounce some of it out and push some of it forward?

02:07:13.000 Yeah.

02:07:13.000 But I started going all new as soon as I taped it.

02:07:16.000 A lot of guys, I guess, start when...

02:07:18.000 When it comes out.

02:07:19.000 Yeah.

02:07:20.000 But I was ready to move on anyway.

02:07:23.000 Well, you already knew also that you were going to try to get this on and you get ahead of the game.

02:07:28.000 Right.

02:07:29.000 Going out of the bat new.

02:07:30.000 Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid and it actually came up that like, they're like, you know, are you doing all new stuff now?

02:07:36.000 And I talked about how, you know, working with you being, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also, you know, I mean like generates, not also, you're one of the few comedians that has like a new hour a year.

02:07:49.000 You have to.

02:07:50.000 You have to.

02:07:52.000 Even though you've never said to me personally, like, you need to write more material.

02:07:56.000 Like, it naturally, I think, rubs off that, you know, you gotta just keep going and plowing.

02:08:03.000 Like, if you can do it with an hour and a half or two hours after my half hour, then I should be doing it with my half hour, you know?

02:08:10.000 So it's...

02:08:10.000 It helps a little when you do longer sets.

02:08:12.000 Longer sets on weekends helps.

02:08:14.000 But any time you can get in a half hour, if you can get in a half an hour set...

02:08:18.000 The real problem with LA is if you're going to do a spot in LA, you're probably going to get 15 minutes.

02:08:23.000 And when you get those 15 minute spots, most likely you'll have room for one or two new ideas.

02:08:29.000 I always try to balance it out if I'm doing new stuff, unless I did stand up on the spot last night, which is obviously all ad-libbed.

02:08:36.000 And that was really fun.

02:08:37.000 But when you do new stuff, you've got to kind of like...

02:08:40.000 It's hard to decide when to start the new stuff.

02:08:43.000 Do you open with the new stuff, or do you open with something established, get the ball rolling, and then introduce the new stuff? 0.96

02:08:48.000 You don't have a lot of time to fuck around in a 15-minute set.

02:08:51.000 Yeah, and I also like to bounce in and out once in a while of crowd work and improvising stuff on stage. 0.99

02:09:02.000 So that's also mixed into things.

02:09:04.000 And that's also part of the reason why I shot this in one shot.

02:09:09.000 Because I just went with my gut.

02:09:12.000 And I'm like, if things go off the track, that's normally when I shine.

02:09:16.000 You see, sometimes when we do our shows at those big theaters, I'll do a thing where...

02:09:21.000 I'll roast people, a group of people, if they come in late.

02:09:24.000 And I warn the crowd in the beginning, like if somebody comes in late, I'm going to light them up.

02:09:27.000 Our little secret, okay?

02:09:28.000 And the place just loves it.

02:09:29.000 And I love that, you know, just improvising in the moment.

02:09:32.000 I love that pressure.

02:09:33.000 I love like that feeling of like, you know, like being a quarterback and you feel like that linebacker coming, but you still have to get rid of the ball.

02:09:40.000 You have to just stay calm and deliver.

02:09:42.000 And I think part of the reason why I did it all in one shot is because I knew that if something, which it didn't at all, and I didn't end up doing any crowd work, and I sort of was half planning, like I was towing the line right before I went on, like, you know, you know,

02:09:59.000 Anything can happen.

02:10:00.000 I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special, to only have one show and one audience and one camera.

02:10:09.000 And I was ready to do crowd work, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15 seconds, I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello.

02:10:19.000 And then I go right into material.

02:10:20.000 I saw you get into it.

02:10:22.000 You get into it like a regular show.

02:10:23.000 Right.

02:10:24.000 Yeah, I ended up just on material, and it sort of stayed on track.

02:10:27.000 There was a part where, I don't know, 35-40 minutes in or something, my throat goes completely dry, which never happens, but I was sort of choked up a little bit, and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there, and I go, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting a huge applause break.

02:10:45.000 This is a special special.

02:10:47.000 Then they just giggled, because they all know Hey, I gotta take a leak.

02:10:50.000 I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but I've been holding this in for a while for some strange reasons.

02:10:53.000 So, Brian, talk to me real quick.

02:10:55.000 I love that.

02:10:55.000 Hi, Tony.

02:10:56.000 Wow. 0.99

02:10:56.000 Normally, you bust my balls when I have to pee. 0.99

02:10:58.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:11:00.000 It's the Brian story.

02:11:03.000 What's his name?

02:11:04.000 Oh.

02:11:05.000 What?

02:11:07.000 Yeah, it was cool doing the one-shot.

02:11:08.000 Did you, after it was done, did you think like, oh, I wish I would have done that different or this different?

02:11:14.000 Was there anything that you kind of wish, now looking at it, that you did different other things?

02:11:19.000 If you had the chance.

02:11:20.000 Of course.

02:11:20.000 I mean, naturally, you know, after doing that, I mean, there's always like, you know, things that change or different.

02:11:28.000 Like, for example, like I close with, you know, even in March, I had a different version of the Cosby thing that I do now, but a totally different joke entirely.

02:11:40.000 You're like, Bill Cosby's innocent.

02:11:41.000 I know it's true.

02:11:42.000 Yeah.

02:11:44.000 Well, sort of. 0.91

02:11:45.000 It was, because my Cosby joke now has everything to do with how he admitted to giving girls quaaludes in order to rape them. 0.99

02:11:52.000 And the Cosby joke that's on one shot just covers the fact that, like, basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man for the first time, and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good. 1.00

02:12:06.000 That's right. 0.99

02:12:07.000 So I just ruined the ending for that.

02:12:09.000 Is that a real curl?

02:12:11.000 And if you show the camera...

02:12:12.000 No, stop it.

02:12:13.000 I have curly hair.

02:12:14.000 With this one, it looks like it's a tightly curled curl.

02:12:17.000 I know.

02:12:17.000 It happens sometimes.

02:12:18.000 Did you have a bow?

02:12:20.000 No, it's just my curly Italian hair sometimes.

02:12:23.000 Remember when I had long hair?

02:12:25.000 Yeah, that's right.

02:12:26.000 I used to have an afro.

02:12:27.000 My apologies.

02:12:28.000 All good.

02:12:28.000 That was a close one.

02:12:29.000 It was interfering with my ability to form a conversation.

02:12:32.000 I was like, woo...

02:12:34.000 Maybe it's Brian Moses' story.

02:12:36.000 He's eternally planted the seed.

02:12:39.000 So just let it go.

02:12:41.000 That's not a good idea.

02:12:42.000 Imagine if we come in here and it just smells like piss every day.

02:12:45.000 Asparagus piss. 0.90

02:12:47.000 Have you ever peed yourself?

02:12:48.000 Oh, for sure.

02:12:49.000 Who hasn't?

02:12:51.000 I mean, and then had to wear your pants for like a long period of time. 0.99

02:12:54.000 I pissed in a car once in a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that, like whatever I had, like some sort of a soda bottle, and got pissed all over my fucking hands. 0.98

02:13:02.000 Oh yeah, it's really hard to do because you don't realize that you need to have enough extra air. 0.97

02:13:08.000 Like, around it, or else it just sprays back at you.

02:13:11.000 I've done that.

02:13:12.000 Gatorade bottle's good.

02:13:13.000 Gatorade's good, yeah.

02:13:14.000 It's very girthy.

02:13:16.000 Gatorade's... 0.99

02:13:16.000 But, like, other ones, you have to also use two hands, because you want to hold your dick over the hole, and you want to hold the bottle, and you can't do that while you're driving, so you're trying to, like... 0.99

02:13:25.000 Get your dick in between your two fingers and then use like your ring finger and your thumb to kind of hold the bottle while you're squeezing your dick through. 0.99

02:13:35.000 And don't put your balls in either. 1.00

02:13:36.000 Just keep those out when you're doing it. 1.00

02:13:38.000 There's no reason to put your balls in there. 0.99

02:13:39.000 Well, Brian can actually fit his balls into a bottle of Mountain Dew. 1.00

02:13:43.000 How does your balls get into a bottle of Mountain Dew? 1.00

02:13:44.000 Unless you have a moonshine jug in your truck. 0.99

02:13:46.000 Imagine if that's how you died. 1.00

02:13:48.000 You hit a bump and the moonshine jar broke and cut a vital artery under your cock as you're trying to piss in it. 0.99

02:13:54.000 Mountain Dew is a dangerous bottle to pee in because it's green. 0.99

02:13:57.000 So you may have forgotten that you peed in it.

02:14:01.000 It's true. 1.00

02:14:01.000 If you're just one of those fucking weirdos that picks up bottles on the floor of your car and just starts drinking warm liquid, then you can fuck up. 1.00

02:14:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:09.000 I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle, Mountain Dew or ginger ale, one of those green plastic bottles, and he would fill it up with booze, and he would drink it all day long. 1.00

02:14:19.000 He was like a serious, serious alcoholic that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid.

02:14:24.000 It was weird, man.

02:14:25.000 He would just drink all day.

02:14:27.000 It scared me.

02:14:28.000 It scared me watching him, because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day, and it was only a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze, talking to people.

02:14:36.000 He would drink malt liquor.

02:14:38.000 Just all day.

02:14:39.000 All day. 1.00

02:14:39.000 Just drink a fucking... 1.00

02:14:40.000 And he lived in this house. 1.00

02:14:42.000 The house had no electricity.

02:14:43.000 Most of the windows were out.

02:14:45.000 We were working on it.

02:14:46.000 We were renovating this house, and he lived in it while we were renovating it.

02:14:49.000 Wow.

02:14:49.000 Yeah, it was real weird.

02:14:50.000 And he was like a construction guy.

02:14:52.000 He worked with the guy who owned the construction company that was renovating the house.

02:14:58.000 And I'm pretty sure...

02:14:59.000 It was foggy, to remember, because I was a teenager.

02:15:01.000 But I'm pretty sure the guy who was renovating the house also owned it and was fixing it up.

02:15:05.000 And so this guy was living in it at the time, when it was like gutted out, just raw wood, no insulation, some windows are missing, and just some of the floor was missing.

02:15:14.000 And this guy would just get wasted all day, just drink, and shake.

02:15:20.000 Hands would shake. 0.98

02:15:21.000 And even on his hammer and nails and shit, his hands are shaking. 0.99

02:15:24.000 Carrying things out. 0.99

02:15:26.000 He was just deep in the web of addiction.

02:15:31.000 Did you ever see anybody like that when you were young?

02:15:33.000 Because you grew up in a rough neighborhood, right?

02:15:36.000 Yeah, I'm actually very close to somebody.

02:15:39.000 My oldest brother became, slowly over time, a big alcoholic, and he's been three months sober now.

02:15:50.000 Which is a miracle.

02:15:52.000 It's unbelievable.

02:15:54.000 Because it seemed like he was never going to stop.

02:15:57.000 And when he stopped drinking, he was shaking so uncontrollably that he couldn't even walk.

02:16:05.000 He would just fall down.

02:16:06.000 And he's a strong guy.

02:16:08.000 This is a guy who...

02:16:09.000 I remember going to Venice Beach with him when I came and visited...

02:16:13.000 Just to check this place out when I was 18 to visit our other brother.

02:16:16.000 Me and my brother came out to visit our brother that lived here.

02:16:20.000 And they played basketball on Venice Beach and they were just bawling all over everybody.

02:16:24.000 Like he's an amazing athlete and this and that.

02:16:27.000 And while he was doing that he was drinking?

02:16:28.000 Yeah, but when he was doing that, he was drinking at night.

02:16:31.000 Not like during the...

02:16:32.000 I mean, yeah, they were drinking during the day too.

02:16:34.000 There was so much booze that his body was just completely hooked on it.

02:16:37.000 Totally.

02:16:38.000 Every day?

02:16:39.000 Every single day and night because he was a professional bartender.

02:16:42.000 And in Columbus, Ohio even has a big drinking culture.

02:16:46.000 Like, huge drinking culture. 1.00

02:16:48.000 Fuck yeah, it does. 1.00

02:16:50.000 Huge. 1.00

02:16:50.000 And he was like at the helm of it. 1.00

02:16:53.000 He's like the head bartender at all the best places in Columbus over the past 20 years or whatever.

02:16:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:16.000 You need to get fucked up. 1.00

02:17:17.000 You need to go get treated. 1.00

02:17:19.000 They walk in, shot, beer, shot, beer.

02:17:21.000 That's a big thing with restaurant workers, right?

02:17:23.000 Huge.

02:17:24.000 Huge.

02:17:24.000 Chefs, waitresses, bartenders.

02:17:26.000 Huge culture of it.

02:17:27.000 And I'm sure Barnesworth has to get liquored up once in a while.

02:17:30.000 You know what I mean?

02:17:31.000 Barnesworth probably does estrogen.

02:17:33.000 Yeah.

02:17:33.000 Just locks the door and just takes estrogen shots.

02:17:37.000 Drinks it.

02:17:38.000 But yeah, to watch my, you know, physically powerful brother.

02:17:42.000 Well, not watch, but I heard about it because he's in Columbus and I'm here.

02:17:46.000 That's dark.

02:17:47.000 But luckily he's doing really good.

02:17:49.000 Three months sober, which if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stopped drinking, you know, I would have said that's very hard to do.

02:17:57.000 I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be cured of diseases like that?

02:18:03.000 I want to say diseases, addictions like that.

02:18:05.000 How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with psychologically?

02:18:12.000 We use Ibogaine here in America, which is super effective in Mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal, where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases.

02:18:20.000 It's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates.

02:18:25.000 It literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow.

02:18:29.000 That's how I feel with Molly.

02:18:31.000 Molly?

02:18:31.000 Yeah, I think Molly really.

02:18:32.000 Well, they said that too about PTSD for soldiers, that Molly's giant for that.

02:18:37.000 The government paid for tests on psilocybin at Carnegie or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff, and they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that they had given up and just said, it's for life.

02:18:50.000 You're going to be depressed for life.

02:18:52.000 And I can totally see why.

02:18:54.000 Yeah.

02:18:56.000 It reprograms your brain.

02:18:57.000 It's like a shower for your brain.

02:18:59.000 Like when everything's just too cluttered and dirty.

02:19:01.000 It's the only real analogy that I think is effective for mushrooms.

02:19:05.000 It's like a brain shower.

02:19:07.000 I did this thing that I absolutely love that I found out about a couple years ago called neti pot.

02:19:12.000 You know about that?

02:19:14.000 You run warm water through your nasal passage, and it's the same thing.

02:19:17.000 Like, I think to myself every time I do it, like, I can't believe people don't know about this.

02:19:21.000 Do you know the squeeze one?

02:19:22.000 Yeah, that's what I have.

02:19:23.000 That's the real one.

02:19:24.000 That's what I have.

02:19:24.000 Boy, you blasted up there.

02:19:26.000 Oh, my God.

02:19:26.000 I blew off these crazy...

02:19:28.000 Remember how I used to use that when I had my nose operation?

02:19:30.000 When I had my nose chewed open, I had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose, and I had a deviated septum, and a lot of the scar tissue was like, it comes calcified, because if you've been hitting the nose a few times, if it bleeds inside your nose, it's like cauliflower ear, but inside your nose.

02:19:46.000 So they cut away all this different tissue and opened up this passage, and then to clean it, I used to use a water pick. 0.97

02:19:52.000 So I'd squirt the water pick up one nostril, and it would be pouring out the other nostril, and I would blow out these fucking titanic boogers. 1.00

02:20:00.000 They looked like they were from another planet. 0.98

02:20:02.000 They were giant, covered in blood, and they were like the size of a thumb.

02:20:06.000 Like they would come out and I would treasure them.

02:20:08.000 I'd be like, I want everybody to see this. 0.99

02:20:10.000 It was like your dick pic back in the day. 0.99

02:20:13.000 I showed it to Tom Segura. 0.99

02:20:15.000 I opened up the napkin for him to Tom Segura and he went...

02:20:17.000 He started retching.

02:20:21.000 We're in the airport.

02:20:21.000 I'll never forget it.

02:20:23.000 I go, dude, I just fucking blew the most insane booger out of my nose.

02:20:26.000 I go, do you want to see it? 0.89

02:20:27.000 He goes, okay.

02:20:27.000 Okay.

02:20:29.000 Open it up and it's like just it's like rubber cement glue So like as you pull the pages aside the booger was so big that it just didn't seem like it come out of a human didn't make any sense and he's Immediately if you have to get that done though folks if you find a good doctor I know some people have had bad experiences with a doctor that didn't really know what they're doing That was a life-changer for me to get my nose cleaned up so I could breathe A neti pot.

02:20:58.000 I mean, you know, you gotta do it, right?

02:20:59.000 You gotta make sure you put the packet in and use distilled water and warm it up.

02:21:03.000 But, I mean, it's one of those things to where when I do it, I'm like, ooh, tonight's gonna be a good night.

02:21:08.000 Yeah, but if you have a broken nose, that's still not gonna work.

02:21:10.000 If someone...

02:21:11.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:11.000 Then you need to get that operation if you have a deviated septum.

02:21:14.000 You can't...

02:21:15.000 You really can't, like, do yoga correctly without breathing in through your nose.

02:21:19.000 It kept me from doing yoga a lot because they would always tell me, you have to breathe out of your nose.

02:21:23.000 I'm like, I don't have one.

02:21:24.000 It doesn't exist.

02:21:26.000 I can smell a few things, but it's just jacked in there.

02:21:30.000 So neti pots wouldn't have worked.

02:21:32.000 It just wouldn't have worked.

02:21:33.000 But now that it's clean, it works awesome.

02:21:35.000 Yeah.

02:21:36.000 So salt water, too, because you pour those little salt packets in the water and shake it up. 0.99

02:21:40.000 It's my favorite fucking thing. 0.98

02:21:42.000 Do you ever find yourself, though, you bend over to tie your shoes like an hour later and some water leaks out of your nose? 0.99

02:21:48.000 A little bit. 0.98

02:21:48.000 Where the fuck was that water hiding? 0.98

02:21:50.000 In the corner. 1.00

02:21:51.000 Do I have a hole in my head?

02:21:52.000 Maybe.

02:21:53.000 Storing water?

02:21:54.000 Like, I bent over to tie my shoes and I was like, what is this?

02:21:57.000 It's drip, [...

02:21:59.000 Happened to me during that set.

02:22:00.000 Like, just one little drop.

02:22:02.000 But that set last night when that lady's like... 1.00

02:22:03.000 No, Trump's never going to!

02:22:06.000 It came out of nowhere like, bloop, and I'm like, what is that?

02:22:09.000 You gotta just grab someone like that and take them out of the room.

02:22:12.000 You can't interrupt the show like that. 1.00

02:22:14.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

02:22:14.000 Because that's one person. 1.00

02:22:16.000 The Irvine Improv's 500 people.

02:22:18.000 Yeah.

02:22:18.000 So that's one person deciding that in 500 people that I'm sure a giant percentage of them are laughing, because I know the bit's hilarious.

02:22:24.000 Oh, yeah.

02:22:25.000 It was insane.

02:22:26.000 That's why people were booing her before I even said, what's your problem, lady? 1.00

02:22:32.000 You just can't have to deal with that.

02:22:35.000 People don't get it because they look at you and they go, he's just talking.

02:22:37.000 Right.

02:22:38.000 They go, oh man, he's going to make people in this room vote for Trump.

02:22:41.000 It's like, no, lady, you're the only one that's not realizing that you're at a professional show right now.

02:22:46.000 Well, not only that, how weak is your candidate where a comedian could talk you out of it and go, you know, he's right. 1.00

02:22:54.000 Fuck these poor people. 1.00

02:22:55.000 Bernie Sanders is an old loser. 1.00

02:22:57.000 Donald Trump's right. 1.00

02:22:59.000 Yeah.

02:23:00.000 Do you think Trump really wants to be president?

02:23:02.000 Because it seems like he's going to be.

02:23:04.000 I'm not bullshitting.

02:23:05.000 And people are like, you're wrong, you're wrong.

02:23:08.000 He is way out ahead on the Republican side.

02:23:11.000 And more people are willing to vote Republican now than before Obama was in office.

02:23:15.000 There's a lot of people that have strengthened their resolve against liberals and against the left and against the Democratic Party.

02:23:22.000 It's highly...

02:23:23.000 If he just changes his tune on a few things...

02:23:27.000 He could get him.

02:23:28.000 I don't even know if he needs to change his tune.

02:23:30.000 He's saying stuff that I think a lot of people are thinking.

02:23:34.000 That's one of my alien boogers. 0.99

02:23:35.000 Oh my god!

02:23:37.000 That's a booger? 1.00

02:23:38.000 Yep, that was a booger. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Doesn't it look like a cockroach nest or something?

02:23:42.000 Yeah, so look at my hand.

02:23:44.000 It looks like one of the planets from Star Wars.

02:23:46.000 Look at my hand here.

02:23:48.000 Tatooine.

02:23:48.000 Yeah.

02:23:51.000 Because that's kind of an inflated picture, but you can see how big that was.

02:23:55.000 It was like that big.

02:23:56.000 That is like a real booger. 0.87

02:23:58.000 And that was a little dry.

02:23:59.000 When it came out, maybe a minute or two before that, it was a little larger. 0.99

02:24:04.000 When you had that crazy shit the other day and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything, do you remember what you ate or what caused that? 0.99

02:24:10.000 There's another one. 1.00

02:24:13.000 That's the one that made Tommy gag.

02:24:15.000 That's the very one that made Tommy gag.

02:24:19.000 He was like...

02:24:20.000 I took a photo of it in the bathroom, then I put it in a napkin and I brought it out to him.

02:24:27.000 That one really is.

02:24:29.000 That's something else.

02:24:31.000 What did you ask?

02:24:32.000 What did you just ask? 1.00

02:24:33.000 What made that crazy shit that you're talking about? 1.00

02:24:35.000 MCT oil. 1.00

02:24:36.000 Pretty sure I had too much MCT oil.

02:24:39.000 If you put too much MCT oil in a kale shake or a protein shake or something like that, occasionally there's like a tipping point.

02:24:45.000 I don't know how many cups.

02:24:47.000 I should probably figure out what's the beneficial dose instead of just adding capfuls.

02:24:51.000 And I might have added an extra capful.

02:24:53.000 And I might have drinking much more than I usually drank. 0.99

02:24:56.000 And whatever it was, the fucking click... 1.00

02:25:00.000 The seer snapped and the fucking opening was there. 1.00

02:25:06.000 It's funny, Max. 1.00

02:25:07.000 When you have five-year-olds, they don't want to hear nothing.

02:25:10.000 You can't say, the house is on fire, but daddy, I can't find my toy.

02:25:14.000 Whatever they're dealing with is so critically important.

02:25:16.000 I'm like, I gotta get in. 0.99

02:25:17.000 I'm gonna shit on you. 1.00

02:25:18.000 I'm gonna shit on you, little bitch. 1.00

02:25:20.000 Your face is where my ass is. 1.00

02:25:21.000 You better get out of the way. 1.00

02:25:24.000 I can't stop it!

02:25:26.000 With all my bite and my might, I was tightening up.

02:25:30.000 Massive cramps.

02:25:32.000 Every squat you've ever done in your life counts for this moment.

02:25:35.000 The cramps.

02:25:36.000 When I was like, oh no, I don't know if I'm going to make it. 0.99

02:25:39.000 There was that moment where I was like, I'm going to shit at least a little bit in my pants. 0.98

02:25:42.000 Maybe if I just let a little prisoners out, let a few hostages out, then we can renegotiate once I get to the bathroom. 0.99

02:25:48.000 I managed to keep it together just right to that point where I was like, wow.

02:25:53.000 And you just hear Mike Goldberg's voice.

02:25:55.000 It's all over!

02:25:57.000 It's all over! 1.00

02:25:59.000 MCT oil, though, will make you shit yourself. 0.99

02:26:01.000 Well, you have to be careful. 0.98

02:26:03.000 If you have too much of it, it will definitely...

02:26:04.000 It just lubes up the old pipes and just releases the hounds.

02:26:07.000 But it's probably a good thing.

02:26:09.000 Because once it goes through, like a blast out, boy, you feel great.

02:26:13.000 I've been taking healthier poops than ever lately with this new meat influx.

02:26:17.000 My body is just loving it.

02:26:19.000 They're so solid that every time now, every time I take a poop, you know, when you get the splash back, I'm at 100%.

02:26:28.000 I'm at 100% slash back now.

02:26:32.000 Splash back. 0.98

02:26:32.000 Have you ever had your butthole open up enough just after it splashes that it gets a little teardrop inside the bubble before it shuts? 0.98

02:26:38.000 And then a little bit comes out later when you tie your shoes. 0.99

02:26:40.000 Yeah.

02:26:45.000 Do you still eat vegetables though?

02:26:46.000 Are you still cognizant about it?

02:26:48.000 Oh yeah, totally, totally.

02:26:48.000 You definitely look different.

02:26:50.000 I'm not bullshitting.

02:26:50.000 Your face looks fit.

02:26:51.000 And I haven't even had breakfast or lunch today.

02:26:54.000 You look thicker.

02:26:56.000 Like your face looks thicker.

02:26:57.000 I feel better, yeah.

02:26:59.000 Vegans right now are so angry.

02:27:01.000 Why didn't you stay the course?

02:27:02.000 You just didn't follow the right, you didn't have enough quinoa on your diet.

02:27:05.000 What about avocados?

02:27:07.000 What about olive oil?

02:27:09.000 It's been a lot of fun to get back because I love food.

02:27:13.000 I'm huge on food.

02:27:15.000 Well, you guys went to Fogo de Chao, right?

02:27:16.000 That's where you broke your cherry?

02:27:18.000 Yeah.

02:27:18.000 That's meat lover's paradise.

02:27:20.000 I've been to Fogo de Chao a couple times with you without eating meat.

02:27:24.000 Well, the salad bar is excellent.

02:27:25.000 It's amazing. 0.99

02:27:26.000 You could easily fill up on the salad bar with no fucking meat whatsoever. 0.99

02:27:30.000 It's a great restaurant. 0.99

02:27:32.000 Yeah.

02:27:32.000 Those Brazilians know how to eat, man.

02:27:34.000 The chuhascarias, they're amazing.

02:27:36.000 If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chal, Texas de Brazil, those are the chains, but there's a bunch of independent chuhascarias.

02:27:43.000 In a Brazilian-style barbecue, what it is is you have a chip, and one side is green and the other side is red.

02:27:48.000 And when it's green, they come over with these trays of meats, like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and picanha, which is like top sirloin, which is like the best one.

02:28:01.000 That's the best.

02:28:02.000 They hide that.

02:28:02.000 I like that one all the time.

02:28:03.000 So many people want it.

02:28:05.000 And there was a place we used to go to that was called Picanha.

02:28:08.000 Where was that?

02:28:08.000 Oh, that's in Pasadena.

02:28:10.000 No, no, Burbank.

02:28:12.000 Burbank, right?

02:28:13.000 Isn't there a place in Burbank called Picanha?

02:28:14.000 Where was that?

02:28:15.000 I think it's in Burbank.

02:28:17.000 I think there's a place in Burbank called picanha, but it's the same, isn't it?

02:28:21.000 Yeah.

02:28:21.000 Same style of food.

02:28:23.000 It's fucking so good. 0.98

02:28:24.000 Yeah, so they come over with these pitchforks with meat on them, these skewers with meat on them, and they slice it off. 0.98

02:28:31.000 Yeah, that's the one on the right.

02:28:33.000 Yeah, baby.

02:28:34.000 They hide it.

02:28:35.000 But if you like meat, you gotta go at least once.

02:28:38.000 It's so good, though, too.

02:28:40.000 They figured out the right way to baste it in front of an open fire.

02:28:44.000 You know, they slowly cook it.

02:28:46.000 So good.

02:28:47.000 And it's unlike, like, a regular steak where they come over and they slice pieces on the outside and they put them on your plate, and then they go back to cooking it again.

02:28:52.000 Yeah.

02:28:53.000 Like, they baste it again with their, whatever they have that, it's like a salt and some sort of an oil to it.

02:28:58.000 Yeah.

02:28:59.000 I haven't had bread in 13 days. 1.00

02:29:01.000 Look at you, healthy bitch. 1.00

02:29:03.000 You looked a lot different, too. 1.00

02:29:05.000 When you came to the comedy store the other night, we were all saying that.

02:29:07.000 Yeah, I could clearly see it.

02:29:09.000 You were glowing the other day.

02:29:10.000 I even went home and mentioned to my girlfriend, I'm like, Brian looked good today.

02:29:14.000 Did you say that while you were inside her?

02:29:16.000 And she goes, what do you mean?

02:29:18.000 I go, he's been working out for like 24 hours and he already looks better.

02:29:23.000 She goes, that's impossible.

02:29:25.000 I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy that literally, if he doesn't poison himself for a few hours, you start to turn into Tom Hardy or something.

02:29:36.000 Dude, it's great. 0.99

02:29:37.000 You're doing so much good shit now. 0.99

02:29:38.000 You're taking care of yourself. 0.99

02:29:40.000 You're on this kick that's lasted through the entire month of January.

02:29:45.000 You're doing your podcast now. 0.98

02:29:46.000 So much good shit's happening. 0.98

02:29:47.000 That's awesome. 0.99

02:29:49.000 It's awesome, man.

02:29:50.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

02:29:51.000 How's it feel?

02:29:52.000 JonBenet Ramsey, you know?

02:29:54.000 You feel lighter?

02:29:54.000 What does that mean?

02:29:55.000 I don't know.

02:29:56.000 What does JonBenet Ramsey mean?

02:29:59.000 What does that mean?

02:30:01.000 Exactly. 0.99

02:30:01.000 Like, good fucked. 0.99

02:30:02.000 No. 1.00

02:30:05.000 I don't know what that...

02:30:06.000 That doesn't make any sense.

02:30:07.000 He's laughing to cover up his own psychosis.

02:30:11.000 He's like the Joker now from Batman.

02:30:14.000 That Joker photo I made of Tony, that's crazy.

02:30:18.000 Have you seen that photo?

02:30:19.000 You know, that's like one of my dreams is I want to play...

02:30:22.000 Talk about it on stage.

02:30:23.000 Yeah.

02:30:24.000 I really want to be the next Joker.

02:30:28.000 I think what Nicholson did is amazing, and I think what Heath Ledger did is great.

02:30:35.000 And I'd love to eventually get to the point to where, down the road, I could be a young Joker.

02:30:41.000 That's totally possible, especially if they keep making more Batmans. 1.00

02:30:44.000 And I think, especially if I keep...

02:30:47.000 Growing as a popular comedian, I think it's like a cool twist, like, you know, Marvel hires actual comedian to...

02:30:54.000 Play the Joker.

02:30:55.000 Yeah.

02:30:55.000 Who better?

02:30:56.000 Who better?

02:30:56.000 Look at you.

02:30:57.000 Stand-up comedian turned evil. 0.98

02:30:58.000 Look at you. 0.99

02:30:59.000 Insult comic.

02:31:00.000 You feel it?

02:31:01.000 Turned evil.

02:31:02.000 Yeah, dude, you're born for that role.

02:31:04.000 Yeah. 0.92

02:31:04.000 We're gonna die first before that happens. 0.92

02:31:05.000 Whoa, Jesus, bro. 0.99

02:31:06.000 I think we should all be.

02:31:07.000 Come on, Brian.

02:31:08.000 Brian, if you break your diet, you could be vain.

02:31:10.000 Brian, you were doing so good in this podcast.

02:31:11.000 What happened?

02:31:13.000 Why go bad on us?

02:31:14.000 No, no.

02:31:15.000 Tony, you've always felt like you're gonna die young and stuff, but you always talk about like...

02:31:20.000 What?

02:31:20.000 You have notes on me over there?

02:31:21.000 What are you checking? 0.99

02:31:22.000 No, I'm just checking your fucking Wikipedia. 1.00

02:31:24.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:31:25.000 There it is.

02:31:26.000 Brian made that to promote the podcast. 0.94

02:31:27.000 You look more like a zombie.

02:31:30.000 Well, that's the Jared Leto Joker that he made. 0.75

02:31:32.000 That's not the...

02:31:33.000 Oh. 0.60

02:31:34.000 Well, Jared Leto's Joker looked pretty fucking cool, too. 0.97

02:31:37.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.90

02:31:37.000 So he's the Joker in the Suicide Squad, right? 0.90

02:31:39.000 He's another one that got...

02:31:40.000 He got ripped for that.

02:31:41.000 Why?

02:31:42.000 Why? 1.00

02:31:43.000 Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:31:45.000 The Joker's the best bad guy of all time. 1.00

02:31:46.000 Why did he get ripped for it?

02:31:48.000 You gotta look that up. 1.00

02:31:50.000 Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:31:53.000 Jared Leto's a bad motherfucker as an actor. 1.00

02:31:56.000 Totally. 1.00

02:31:57.000 Come on.

02:31:58.000 But there's a thing where he shows himself working out in a Superman shirt or something.

02:32:04.000 What's the problem with that? 0.99

02:32:06.000 People just look for shit to complain about. 0.99

02:32:09.000 No, it's a good thing. 1.00

02:32:10.000 It's amazing.

02:32:11.000 He's pumped.

02:32:13.000 Whoa, that totally could be you, Tony. 1.00

02:32:15.000 Especially now with your new diet and fucking lifting. 1.00

02:32:19.000 What kind of car is that? 1.00

02:32:20.000 What is that?

02:32:21.000 Is that a real car?

02:32:22.000 It's a Pontiac.

02:32:25.000 Jamie?

02:32:27.000 See, they'll probably introduce some new car.

02:32:29.000 They do that sometimes.

02:32:30.000 Click on it.

02:32:31.000 Let me see.

02:32:31.000 Is that an Acura Anisex?

02:32:32.000 No.

02:32:33.000 That's a Jaguar, right?

02:32:34.000 What is it?

02:32:35.000 Does it say?

02:32:36.000 It's so cool.

02:32:37.000 I don't know what that is.

02:32:38.000 It's a Vader G35. What is it?

02:32:41.000 A Vader.

02:32:42.000 A Vader?

02:32:43.000 Huh.

02:32:43.000 Yeah, it's a Vader.

02:32:44.000 Is that real?

02:32:45.000 Oh, okay.

02:32:45.000 Some car I never heard of.

02:32:47.000 Huh.

02:32:48.000 It's so neat.

02:32:50.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, you're starting to make some money now.

02:32:51.000 You're ballin'.

02:32:53.000 You want to get a new automobile, Tony Hinchcliffe?

02:32:54.000 I have a sexy new Vader.

02:32:55.000 You want to get a new vehicle?

02:32:57.000 Um, maybe.

02:32:59.000 Maybe.

02:32:59.000 I could see Tony in a Corvette.

02:33:01.000 Oh, God, I'd love a new car.

02:33:03.000 Yeah, no backseat.

02:33:04.000 Sorry.

02:33:05.000 Sorry, your friends can't come.

02:33:07.000 I want one so bad, but I have to be smart for a little bit.

02:33:10.000 Look at you.

02:33:11.000 Look at you!

02:33:12.000 For a little bit.

02:33:13.000 For at least until Friday.

02:33:15.000 January 13th.

02:33:16.000 I want to spend everything.

02:33:17.000 When your new Netflix special comes out.

02:33:18.000 Yeah.

02:33:19.000 Is that what it is?

02:33:19.000 The 13th?

02:33:20.000 Is that what I said?

02:33:21.000 15th.

02:33:21.000 Two days away.

02:33:22.000 How did I get it wrong both times?

02:33:23.000 By three.

02:33:23.000 I said 18th and 13th.

02:33:25.000 1, 15, 2016. Oh yeah, by two.

02:33:28.000 I can't even count.

02:33:30.000 And a lot of cool guest appearances in it, like Joey Diaz brings me on stage, and Brian Redband, I high-five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff, because it was a real show.

02:33:45.000 Right.

02:33:47.000 Did you feel more comfortable because it was at the Ice House place you performed countless times?

02:33:53.000 Oh, yeah.

02:33:54.000 No doubt about it.

02:33:55.000 I envisioned it.

02:34:18.000 Oh, okay!

02:34:19.000 Okay, bye!

02:34:21.000 And, like, you know, the rest is, like, history.

02:34:24.000 He was there that night.

02:34:24.000 In fact, a fun fact about that is, if you noticed, when we saw the trailer, there was one guy that sort of, like, walked off.

02:34:30.000 That's Sean, which I think is so cool.

02:34:31.000 It's like a perfect little tiny, tiny, tiny cameo.

02:34:34.000 You'd have to really pause it at the right moment to see him.

02:34:37.000 That's awesome.

02:34:37.000 But he was so responsible for it happening.

02:34:40.000 And, uh...

02:34:41.000 Wait, what was the question?

02:34:41.000 Oh, yeah, being comfortable at the Ice House.

02:34:43.000 It was with the two weeks notice that I had.

02:34:45.000 I literally...

02:34:46.000 I'm not even kidding or exaggerating.

02:34:47.000 And my dreams at night was, like, envisioning it.

02:34:51.000 And I'd, like, you know, it would be a nightmare or a great dream, depending on, like...

02:34:55.000 But I was, like, picturing it.

02:34:56.000 And during the day, I was picturing it.

02:34:57.000 And where I wanted the Steadicam to be.

02:35:00.000 Because, you know, Ben Wolfensohn, my really good friend, amazing director, directed the beginning of Ari Shafir's special...

02:35:08.000 And Trip Tank on Comedy Central.

02:35:11.000 But this was my idea, shooting it all in one shot.

02:35:15.000 It's a great idea.

02:35:16.000 It's a great way also to capitalize on that small club.

02:35:20.000 Right.

02:35:20.000 Well, I knew I had to do something special to really stand out.

02:35:24.000 You know what I mean?

02:35:24.000 Because I don't have...

02:35:35.000 I think that's why they got it.

02:35:39.000 I don't think they're like, you know, let's take this nobody out of nowhere and, you know what I mean?

02:35:44.000 You're funny.

02:35:45.000 Stop. 1.00

02:35:45.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

02:35:46.000 You would have got it anyway. 1.00

02:35:47.000 If you did that thing at the Irvine Improv, you would have still sold it to Netflix.

02:35:51.000 You're very funny.

02:35:52.000 You're very funny, you're doing great, and you have heat behind you.

02:35:54.000 You have heat behind you, and you're connected to a network of other comedians that have heat behind them.

02:35:59.000 Yeah.

02:35:59.000 Like, that's another thing, because I'm so honored to be up there with Segura.

02:36:03.000 You know, who's came out two weeks ago and is amazing and everything about it's amazing. 0.95

02:36:09.000 Burr's whole fucking national persona changed.

02:36:12.000 Like, people really became aware of who Burr is. 0.99

02:36:14.000 Burr was always, like, peaking.

02:36:16.000 He was always, like, ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year.

02:36:19.000 But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became a guy who sold out Madison Square Garden.

02:36:27.000 And that's...

02:36:28.000 That easily could happen to you.

02:36:29.000 It could happen to Segura, too.

02:36:30.000 Segura's new special is even better than his other one. 0.98

02:36:32.000 He's fucking smashing it right now. 0.99

02:36:34.000 He's killing it. 0.99

02:36:36.000 It's the best platform for comedy.

02:36:38.000 It's an amazing time that we live in to where, like, that can happen.

02:36:42.000 A guy that's never done The Tonight Show, or I've never done stand-up on TV at all.

02:36:47.000 I'm starting first time ever in the public.

02:36:50.000 Netflix hour.

02:36:50.000 Yeah.

02:36:51.000 Yeah, I mean, think about Segura, too.

02:36:52.000 Same thing.

02:36:53.000 He doesn't have, like, TV credits.

02:36:54.000 He's selling out theaters.

02:36:56.000 Over and over again.

02:36:57.000 They keep adding shows to his comedy works this week.

02:37:00.000 How about Sebastian?

02:37:01.000 Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday, three shows Saturday.

02:37:03.000 They just added a midnight for him in Denver Comedy Works.

02:37:06.000 It's amazing.

02:37:07.000 Selling out comedy works.

02:37:08.000 Yep, yep. 0.92

02:37:09.000 Well, he's a monster right now. 0.93

02:37:10.000 It's amazing. 0.72

02:37:10.000 Well, he's a legit... 0.72

02:37:12.000 Like, world-class national headliner right now.

02:37:14.000 And it's all from, you know, working and grinding and doing specials on the internet.

02:37:20.000 It's amazing!

02:37:21.000 Yeah.

02:37:22.000 And from podcasting, you know, getting connected to people through podcasting.

02:37:25.000 Huge.

02:37:25.000 His podcast, too, him and his wife, Your Mom's House, they have this tour that they do on the road with it, and it's...

02:37:31.000 It's a whole thing of its own.

02:37:33.000 They have all these little things that people look forward to, like Tom or Black.

02:37:38.000 They'll play Tom or Black.

02:37:39.000 They have little games that they play.

02:37:41.000 When Brian and I do the road, when we go to ones that we drive to, like if it's a San Diego or a Phoenix or a San Fran or a Sacramento, which is the majority of the places that we do go, it's the only podcast that we listen to. 0.97

02:37:55.000 And we fucking crack up. 0.75

02:37:57.000 It's hilarious. 0.97

02:37:58.000 You just laugh and laugh and laugh.

02:38:00.000 It's the funniest podcast.

02:38:02.000 It's the only podcast that I really listen to ever.

02:38:04.000 The last one I did with Tom, the last podcast I did with Tom, was one of the best ones we ever did. 0.93

02:38:08.000 It was fucking hilarious. 0.79

02:38:09.000 The entire time, we're just laughing and gagging and slapping the table for three hours. 0.98

02:38:14.000 Just me and him cracking each other up.

02:38:17.000 He's such a great guy.

02:38:18.000 He really is.

02:38:19.000 And he's just the best.

02:38:21.000 He gave me a call yesterday and gave me some cool advice and just is a great, great guy.

02:38:28.000 Because this Netflix thing is also a different...

02:38:34.000 It's uncharted territory and he's helping me out being like a cool big brother.

02:38:38.000 That's awesome.

02:38:38.000 To me as this whole thing happens and unfolds.

02:38:41.000 So I couldn't be luckier.

02:38:43.000 We're so lucky that something like Netflix exists.

02:38:45.000 Because if you do a special on anything else, like say if you do an HBO special, they air it whenever they air it.

02:38:51.000 You know, they might air it once, they might air it twice, they might air it a few other times, they might air it randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning on some special night.

02:38:58.000 But with Netflix, it's always there.

02:39:00.000 You just press start.

02:39:01.000 You just press play.

02:39:03.000 That's the secret.

02:39:04.000 That's everything.

02:39:04.000 And with their amazing algorithms, the people that would like it are going to get a shot at it, you know?

02:39:12.000 Everybody has a different...

02:39:13.000 Screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched and if they liked it and if they rated it and even if you don't rate things It still knows you that their algorithm is like world world world class.

02:39:24.000 It's really interesting.

02:39:25.000 So the more that People would like you the closer you're gonna get to their front page.

02:39:31.000 So yeah, you know though I didn't know this the ratings on Netflix movies like if it says like four stars or whatever That's not actually the rating or the movie.

02:39:40.000 It's what they think you would say the rating is and What?

02:39:43.000 Yeah, so there was one movie I watched the other day, and I was like, how is it half a star?

02:39:46.000 That movie sucks so bad, but really, it has a half a star?

02:39:49.000 And I was like, oh, wait, if you look at somebody else's, it would be like three stars. 0.99

02:39:54.000 Really?

02:39:54.000 Yeah, I didn't know that.

02:39:55.000 That's bizarre.

02:39:56.000 Yeah, it's really bizarre.

02:39:57.000 That doesn't seem kosher.

02:40:01.000 Right.

02:40:01.000 Right?

02:40:02.000 A star system should be kind of like what people think.

02:40:05.000 Maybe they wanted to get that to avoid a disgruntled person giving it really bad reviews under a bunch of different fake names or the opposite.

02:40:14.000 Maybe a company.

02:40:16.000 There's been that before where someone put out an independent film and then someone hacked into the iTunes comment section. 0.99

02:40:24.000 And it's all just overwhelmingly positive, like, fake reviews of this terrible fucking movie. 0.97

02:40:29.000 And then someone in the comments will post, these are paid reviews. 0.99

02:40:32.000 Like, this is not real. 1.00

02:40:34.000 This movie's fucking terrible. 0.99

02:40:35.000 I've seen that before. 1.00

02:40:36.000 Yeah, me too.

02:40:36.000 So maybe that's what Netflix is trying to avoid.

02:40:38.000 Rotten Tomatoes is pretty guilty of that in general, I think.

02:40:42.000 It's like, there's some...

02:40:44.000 It's hard.

02:40:44.000 Yeah.

02:40:44.000 It's hard when you've got a comment system.

02:40:46.000 People don't hack it.

02:40:48.000 You know, people, like, they've hacked iTunes ratings.

02:40:50.000 They figured out how to get higher ratings and pretend they have more downloads or have, like, multiple different... 0.89

02:40:56.000 Like, there's services that'll, like, download your shit just to, like, juice up your ratings and add comments. 0.95

02:41:02.000 And, like... 0.95

02:41:03.000 The algorithms that someone like iTunes has, they're easier to manipulate because they're based on downloads, they're based on comments, and they're based on new people.

02:41:12.000 So if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it, it'll jump you up in the rankings.

02:41:20.000 It's kind of interesting.

02:41:21.000 But I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times though, right?

02:41:25.000 So that's probably how they avoid it, right?

02:41:28.000 And it has your public name on there, so it's like, even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks, and then have your real name on there.

02:41:36.000 Yeah, yeah, that's true.

02:41:37.000 Maybe iTunes is the right way.

02:41:39.000 But it seems like the right way, I don't know, man.

02:41:44.000 I don't think there's anything, like, Netflix might have a point there, though.

02:41:48.000 Like, in your circle of people that you like, what did those people think it was, star-wise?

02:41:53.000 Versus in the circle of, like, seven-year-old people that live in nursing homes.

02:41:57.000 What did they think of Bob and Dave's new show, you know?

02:42:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:01.000 The fuck are we talking about? 1.00

02:42:03.000 We're talking business. 1.00

02:42:05.000 Stop talking.

02:42:06.000 Algorithms.

02:42:06.000 Yeah, algorithms.

02:42:07.000 All right, let's wrap this up.

02:42:08.000 Let's bring it home.

02:42:10.000 Friday, Tony Hinchcliffe will be with me in Atlanta in Hotlanta at the Tabernacle. 1.00

02:42:16.000 The shit is sold out. 0.95

02:42:17.000 If you did not get tickets, so sorry. 0.99

02:42:19.000 We'll be back.

02:42:20.000 But that night, Tony's One Shot will appear magically on Netflix in your queue.

02:42:26.000 That's Q-U-E. Download it.

02:42:28.000 Enjoy. 1.00

02:42:29.000 Let a motherfucker know. 1.00

02:42:31.000 One shot. 1.00

02:42:32.000 Five stars. 1.00

02:42:32.000 Give that bitch five stars. 1.00

02:42:34.000 And then we'll be in Tampa on Saturday night, and then we'll be at the UFC on Sunday. 0.99

02:42:40.000 Excited about that one.

02:42:41.000 Yeah, that's a big one.

02:42:42.000 That's a big world championship.

02:42:44.000 Dominic Cruz versus T.J. Dillshaw. 1.00

02:42:45.000 That shit should be off the hook. 1.00

02:42:46.000 And a good end of the weekend for us. 1.00

02:42:49.000 Have a couple great shows and then head on there.

02:42:51.000 Brian Redband, who's your guest this week?

02:42:54.000 I'm still finalizing it, but I'll announce it soon.

02:42:57.000 It's incognito, ladies and gentlemen.

02:42:59.000 We keep it on the DL until we release, but you do them Fridays, right?

02:43:02.000 I usually do every Friday.

02:43:03.000 I have two episodes, one with Sage Francis and Sovereign and one with MC Crist and Christian Mingle.

02:43:09.000 It's called What Brian Redband Do.

02:43:10.000 It's on iTunes.

02:43:11.000 Subscribe, rate, and review.

02:43:12.000 Help me out.

02:43:13.000 Boom.

02:43:14.000 And January 22nd through the 24th, me and George Perez will be at the Brea Improv.

02:43:19.000 Boom.

02:43:20.000 Okay, beautiful.

02:43:21.000 That's Death Squad TV. You can get information for that.

02:43:23.000 Kill Tony is every Monday, pretty much every Monday at the Comedy Store.

02:43:28.000 We have our biggest one ever this Monday.

02:43:30.000 The one that everybody's been asking for.

02:43:33.000 What?

02:43:33.000 The biggest one ever.

02:43:34.000 I'm not kidding.

02:43:35.000 I'm not allowed to announce it because we're going to announce it on the Guy Who It Is podcast tomorrow.

02:43:43.000 So you're going to know who that is tomorrow afternoon.

02:43:46.000 And also, real quick, Caroline's headlining New York City for the first time ever.

02:43:50.000 February 5th and 6th, the week after we do the Beacon Theater together.

02:43:53.000 Oh! 0.60

02:43:55.000 Caroline's on Broadway, February 5th and 6th.

02:43:58.000 Help me out, New York City, because I need to fill those seats. 0.99

02:44:01.000 And Beacon Theater's, I think it's sold out.

02:44:04.000 If it's not sold out, it's basically sold out.

02:44:06.000 Almost.

02:44:07.000 So if you're thinking about getting some tickets, jump on that.

02:44:10.000 That's end of the month. 1.00

02:44:11.000 All right, you fuckers. 1.00

02:44:12.000 Thanks, everybody. 1.00

02:44:13.000 Much love.

02:44:14.000 Bye-bye.

02:44:15.000 Big kiss.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 13, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe

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