The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #785 - Dom Irrera

00:00:00.000 Doo-doo! 1.00

00:00:01.000 Ha-ha-ha! 1.00

00:00:07.000 Joseph McGee.

00:00:08.000 Joseph Rogan.

00:00:09.000 How are you, brother?

00:00:10.000 Good, man.

00:00:11.000 How are you doing?

00:00:11.000 Great to see you, as always.

00:00:13.000 Sorry, my pool game wasn't up to snuff.

00:00:15.000 Mine wasn't either. 0.98

00:00:15.000 We both sucked. 0.98

00:00:17.000 I smoked a cigar before this podcast, during the last one, and I'm all jittery now. 0.99

00:00:23.000 Really?

00:00:24.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:00:25.000 Everything's firing.

00:00:26.000 Well, that nicotine, did you inhale it?

00:00:28.000 No, but just having it in your mouth and smoking it and sucking on it, you get a You get a nicotine high.

00:00:33.000 I feel like I'm left out of a certain club, those guys who think it's really cool to relax with cigar smoke and all.

00:00:38.000 It makes me nauseous.

00:00:40.000 Yeah, it doesn't make me relax.

00:00:43.000 It's fun.

00:00:44.000 I like to do it.

00:00:45.000 But it's a high.

00:00:46.000 They're lying to themselves.

00:00:48.000 That's a high.

00:00:49.000 It's a nicotine high.

00:00:50.000 Of course.

00:00:51.000 Letterman and those guys were into that.

00:00:52.000 Yeah, they're doing drugs.

00:00:54.000 Drugs?

00:00:54.000 That's crazy.

00:00:55.000 That's illegal, isn't it? 1.00

00:00:56.000 It's a goddamn drug den. 1.00

00:00:57.000 You know what's hilarious? 1.00

00:00:58.000 They're hepped up on something, Joe, I tell you.

00:01:00.000 But it's one of those things. 0.63

00:01:01.000 It's so common and it's so a part of the culture that we look at that as being less ridiculous and more reserved and intelligent than if someone got together in a little shack there, like a smoke shop, and it was smoking pot together. 0.87

00:01:17.000 Oh, yeah. 0.92

00:01:17.000 Those people, I guess... 0.92

00:01:19.000 Well, I get more of a buzz from coffee than I do from Xanax.

00:01:23.000 You do? 0.99

00:01:23.000 Oh, fuck yeah, because Xanax just makes me feel like what I think a normal person feels like, you know, without the terrifying anxiety. 0.99

00:01:30.000 Have you always had that? 0.99

00:01:31.000 We talked about this before, but, like, when did you start getting anxiety?

00:01:35.000 Uh, second grade.

00:01:37.000 Really?

00:01:38.000 Wow.

00:01:39.000 Yeah.

00:01:39.000 Second grade.

00:01:40.000 But I'm really doing better.

00:01:41.000 My doctor says in ten years I should be out of it.

00:01:44.000 Ah, there's a single one.

00:01:47.000 You never had anxiety?

00:01:49.000 I've definitely had anxiety, yeah.

00:01:51.000 But about a specific thing, the worst thing is just anxiety that you don't even know what it's from.

00:01:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:01:57.000 It's from the core of your being.

00:01:58.000 So it's some sort of a firing error or something in your brain.

00:02:02.000 Yeah, it's definitely a chemical thing.

00:02:04.000 Hmm.

00:02:05.000 And does anything else help it?

00:02:07.000 Does exercise help it?

00:02:09.000 Alcohol.

00:02:10.000 Alcohol helps it?

00:02:11.000 But the thing about alcohol is the rebound is worse than the high.

00:02:14.000 Wow.

00:02:15.000 If you have three hours of a buzz for alcohol, you'll have a 12-hour hangover.

00:02:20.000 Yeah, especially as you get older.

00:02:22.000 Yeah, the hangovers get rougher and rougher for me pretty much every year.

00:02:25.000 Well, I never drank when I was young, so this is all new to me the last few years.

00:02:29.000 Like, how many years?

00:02:32.000 Eight.

00:02:33.000 And I know you stopped for a while.

00:02:35.000 We talked about it.

00:02:36.000 You stopped for a while.

00:02:37.000 It felt so good.

00:02:37.000 I couldn't believe how good it feels not to have a hangover.

00:02:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:40.000 Holy shit, this is it. 0.99

00:02:42.000 But you like it. 0.98

00:02:44.000 Well, I like the whole...

00:02:45.000 You know how you were talking about the ambiance of the cigar and the puffing and laughing and raising it up like you made a big point?

00:02:51.000 Yeah.

00:02:52.000 I like that with alcohol, that whole social thing.

00:02:55.000 I like to have a drink with you, too, because it's like we're announcing festivities.

00:02:59.000 Yeah.

00:02:59.000 That moment in time.

00:03:01.000 Fun festivities.

00:03:02.000 Cheers!

00:03:02.000 Cheers, my friend.

00:03:04.000 And we both sort of agree that we're off on a...

00:03:08.000 Alcohol-filled fun rump of chit-chat and laughter.

00:03:11.000 But no DUIs.

00:03:12.000 Yeah, no DUIs.

00:03:14.000 That's where Uber came in. 0.92

00:03:16.000 Uber changed the game. 1.00

00:03:17.000 Joe, I can't take it with the fucking Uber anymore. 1.00

00:03:20.000 You can't? 1.00

00:03:21.000 Everybody's trying to convince me like there's something wrong with me.

00:03:23.000 You've got to take Uber.

00:03:24.000 I go, I don't want to take Uber.

00:03:25.000 I don't want to get in a car with a strange guy.

00:03:27.000 I don't want to get in his own car.

00:03:29.000 I want to either get a car service or take a cab.

00:03:32.000 He's just an old-school guy.

00:03:34.000 I just don't want to...

00:03:36.000 I mean, it's like...

00:03:37.000 And the thing that's funny about Uber, to me, is the idea, like, you know, I used to drink maybe one, two drinks a night, but now...

00:03:42.000 See, I drink all day, because I can take Uber.

00:03:45.000 I'm a raging alcoholic now.

00:03:47.000 What's funny about Uber is they...

00:03:50.000 It's like the application, connecting people to people that want something.

00:03:58.000 And those people get all the money, I think, and then they pay the drivers, right?

00:04:02.000 Isn't that how it works?

00:04:03.000 I don't understand it.

00:04:05.000 When I moved to New York, they had medallions.

00:04:07.000 They had to spend thousands of dollars to get the medallion to be able to drive a commercial vehicle.

00:04:11.000 Here, anybody can drive an Uber.

00:04:12.000 That's why it's really crazy because they are independent contractors like in New York used to be illegal They used to have these things called gypsy cabs, but they still do. 1.00

00:04:21.000 Do you remember that one year?

00:04:23.000 There was a I want to say more than 40 gypsy cab drivers were murdered.

00:04:28.000 Really?

00:04:28.000 Yeah, but find this out Gypsy cab driver murders in New York.

00:04:33.000 I think they would take them and To like bad neighborhoods and shoot them and rob them so these cab drivers who are fucked you know they weren't making much money they had to take every fare they could and They would take these guys or one guy. 0.83

00:04:46.000 I mean who knows how many people actually wound up being the people killing them does it say? 0.79

00:04:52.000 1990 this story is from that sounds about right that's when I was living there and Gypsy Cappijaro was found shot dead in the Bronx.

00:05:00.000 That's only one.

00:05:03.000 Okay, killings are related.

00:05:04.000 So the sixth finding of it.

00:05:06.000 The sixth one back then?

00:05:07.000 I want to say it was some insane number, man.

00:05:11.000 I really think it was more than 20. I want to say it's 40 for some reason.

00:05:15.000 Cappies didn't get a fair shake. 0.92

00:05:17.000 All those hookers that got killed got a lot of press. 1.00

00:05:20.000 Well, they got press in New York, but this was press in 1990 or 91 or whenever it was where it got real bad.

00:05:27.000 Before the internet.

00:05:28.000 Exactly.

00:05:29.000 Can you imagine there was a time before the internet now?

00:05:31.000 Exactly.

00:05:32.000 I mean, yeah.

00:05:33.000 Well, we became friends before the internet.

00:05:34.000 How about that?

00:05:35.000 How could we even get a hold of each other?

00:05:38.000 We call each other on the phone.

00:05:39.000 And how to catch you when you're at home.

00:05:41.000 Like normally, that's right.

00:05:42.000 You have to get up early, make phone calls before you leave the house.

00:05:44.000 You remember the first cell phones?

00:05:46.000 They looked like you could use it as a billy club.

00:05:49.000 Here it is right here.

00:05:50.000 Driving in gypsy cabs was one of the most dangerous jobs in New York City. 1.00

00:05:54.000 Since 1990, 180 drivers, an average of over two a month, have been killed while on duty. 1.00

00:05:59.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:06:00.000 So, it wasn't 400, it was 180. I mean, maybe it was... 0.99

00:06:05.000 Not a 440, but maybe that was 180 when they stopped counting during the time this article was written, because they're talking about 1990. I was living in New York when this was happening, and I kind of moved there around then, so it could have gotten even worse.

00:06:19.000 Do you ever miss it?

00:06:20.000 No.

00:06:22.000 Me neither.

00:06:23.000 Do you get the guys from New York acting like they can't understand how you could like it here?

00:06:27.000 It's awesome.

00:06:28.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:06:29.000 I think I could adapt.

00:06:30.000 I think if I decided to live in New York tomorrow, I'd love it.

00:06:33.000 I don't think it's bad, but I don't miss it.

00:06:35.000 Your kids and the whole thing.

00:06:36.000 It's hard, but you know what, man?

00:06:38.000 I mean, kids can grow up anywhere.

00:06:39.000 They really can.

00:06:40.000 I just don't know if it's ideal.

00:06:41.000 Wouldn't you rather than being walking around where you live than walking around?

00:06:46.000 Honestly, I think really it's better probably in a non-showbiz-related city.

00:06:51.000 I think just being in this city is probably not healthy for kids.

00:06:55.000 I think kids are better off in places like Seattle, which is, even if it's showbiz related, it's not television and film related.

00:07:03.000 Like, I feel like the television and film world is filled with so many people out here.

00:07:07.000 And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's a bad business.

00:07:09.000 I was in it for a long time.

00:07:11.000 I don't have anything against it. 0.72

00:07:13.000 But I just think that the kind of people that it attracts, not all of them, but a good amount of them, are really crazy.

00:07:21.000 And they're real needy and they value a certain type of fame.

00:07:26.000 And it gets really crazy.

00:07:28.000 It gets really crazy.

00:07:29.000 We were talking about, last night, about the girls at the Comedy Store, and Sophie, or Sophie, I forget, she said to me, she didn't want to tell me she was an actress.

00:07:39.000 She was embarrassed to say, isn't that funny?

00:07:41.000 Yeah, it's funny.

00:07:41.000 Because, well, you know, it's like I was doing a thing on stage the other night about, we need more actors than actors.

00:07:46.000 Please, if you know anybody back east that wants to be an actor, tell them to come out here.

00:07:52.000 But it's sad when you're embarrassed to say what you want to be.

00:07:54.000 There's nothing wrong with doing it.

00:07:56.000 See, that's the problem.

00:07:57.000 Acting itself, there's nothing wrong with it.

00:07:59.000 It's not what I'm saying.

00:08:01.000 There's something wrong with the profession. 0.96

00:08:03.000 It's just, there's a giant number of people who come out here that are just absolutely batshit crazy. 0.91

00:08:09.000 I know.

00:08:10.000 And they want, they just want everybody to like.

00:08:13.000 That's the other thing, too.

00:08:14.000 There's like this lack of a...

00:08:16.000 It's very difficult when people are judging you.

00:08:19.000 It's like there's a problem with the entire design of the audition process.

00:08:24.000 Because you're creating people that are going to be exactly what you want them to be because those are the people that you're going to hire.

00:08:31.000 So it becomes an incredibly left-wing environment.

00:08:34.000 Which is great in a lot of ways.

00:08:36.000 It balances things out.

00:08:38.000 But our culture is driven primarily from things from the left.

00:08:41.000 Good things like compassionate stuff like gay rights and gay marriage and a lot of other left-wing type ideas that I agree with and I think are great.

00:08:51.000 But it's 100% driven by that.

00:08:53.000 So these people, if they have differing opinions, it's very difficult for them to express it and still work.

00:08:59.000 So you get a lot of people that are terrified of stepping on anybody's toes.

00:09:02.000 So they say a bunch of nonsense.

00:09:05.000 You ever talk to people that don't say nice to meet you because they're worried they might have already met you?

00:09:09.000 Right.

00:09:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:10.000 So you know what they say?

00:09:11.000 They say, nice to see you.

00:09:12.000 Uh-huh.

00:09:13.000 You know what I never do to people?

00:09:16.000 I never ask them what's up or what's going on.

00:09:18.000 I know that about here because people feel guilty like they have to recite what's going on in their lives, this whole resume.

00:09:24.000 And I'd rather them just say, hey man, it's good to see you.

00:09:28.000 And that's the end of the thing.

00:09:30.000 It's like, I don't want to put...

00:09:31.000 I got a lot of irons in the...

00:09:32.000 You know Sal from the Impractice Jokers?

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 He was out here one night and he goes...

00:09:38.000 This is before they really hit.

00:09:39.000 He goes, yeah, I got nothing going on.

00:09:40.000 I said, never say that in Hollywood. 0.99

00:09:42.000 I'm fucking with it. 0.98

00:09:42.000 Here's what you say. 0.98

00:09:43.000 I got a lot of irons in the fire.

00:09:45.000 I don't want to jinx it.

00:09:46.000 I'll tell you about it when it comes through.

00:09:49.000 Big plans in the works.

00:09:51.000 Check my Instagram page for future notifications.

00:09:54.000 When you said you're really not part of the business anymore, isn't it funny that you're so busy you don't have time to do a movie?

00:10:00.000 Yeah.

00:10:00.000 It's kind of cool.

00:10:01.000 The only movies I've ever done is the Kevin James movies because I didn't have to audition.

00:10:05.000 Yeah, of course.

00:10:05.000 It just got me parts.

00:10:07.000 You shouldn't have to audition now.

00:10:08.000 Yeah, you should.

00:10:09.000 If you want something good.

00:10:10.000 But the process itself is the problem with it.

00:10:14.000 Not necessarily for me, who's financially independent, but the process for a lot of people who aren't.

00:10:19.000 Who are desperately needing something to employ them so they can apply their craft.

00:10:23.000 See, I don't need anybody to employ me so that I could do stand-up.

00:10:27.000 Neither do you.

00:10:27.000 We just do it.

00:10:28.000 And we don't need anybody to employ us to do this podcast.

00:10:31.000 We just do it.

00:10:32.000 You just do yours.

00:10:33.000 I just do mine. 1.00

00:10:33.000 We all just do our own shit. 1.00

00:10:35.000 And because of that, you could be you. 1.00

00:10:38.000 You could actually be you.

00:10:39.000 Oh, the suits have lost so much power in the last 10 years.

00:10:42.000 Yeah.

00:10:42.000 Well, we're also starting to see, like, what is this world really about?

00:10:47.000 It's about generating income.

00:10:48.000 That's it.

00:10:48.000 It's not about art.

00:10:49.000 That's why reality shows took off like crazy.

00:10:52.000 Well, your generation is much better than mine as far as business people.

00:10:56.000 You guys, your group is smart.

00:10:59.000 How so?

00:11:00.000 Well, you learn how to use the social media to your advantage.

00:11:04.000 You know, Tom, a lot of it was luck.

00:11:06.000 A lot of it was luck.

00:11:07.000 Some of it was copying Dane Cook.

00:11:09.000 Some of it was definitely that.

00:11:10.000 I was already doing stuff online, but I wasn't doing stuff.

00:11:13.000 I was writing blogs, and I was doing certain things just as a little exercise, just to come up with ideas and just to get my writing flowing.

00:11:22.000 So I write a lot of blogs back then.

00:11:24.000 And Dane Cook got into MySpace...

00:11:27.000 And he started using it to promote shows, and it was crazy how much it blew him up.

00:11:32.000 He was an early adopter.

00:11:33.000 Amazing, yeah.

00:11:34.000 And he was the perfect guy for it.

00:11:35.000 Cute, high energy, girls loved him.

00:11:38.000 And he was one of the first comics that had a bunch of girl fans.

00:11:43.000 Right, like a rock and roll guy.

00:11:45.000 Very, very interesting times.

00:11:46.000 But I think it woke up everybody to the power of social media.

00:11:50.000 And then Twitter came along, of course.

00:11:53.000 But the podcast thing was totally lucky, man.

00:11:56.000 If it wasn't for just...

00:11:57.000 Yeah, but you had to be good at it, Joe.

00:11:58.000 Don't undersell it too much.

00:12:00.000 I wasn't good at it in the beginning. 0.98

00:12:01.000 If you go back and listen to some of those early ones, they're fucking terrible.

00:12:05.000 Well, remember we were talking at the improv a couple weeks ago, and I said to you, and I didn't want you to think I was hitting, hitting, going to get on the show, but I said to you, if you do one of your shows, it's better than doing all the late night shows in one week. 0.91

00:12:21.000 Oh, as far as the amount of exposure.

00:12:23.000 I'm going to Australia tomorrow, and those people are going to be thrilled that I'm on the podcast.

00:12:29.000 Because I was in New Zealand, and people listened to you there.

00:12:32.000 It's incredible.

00:12:34.000 Nobody watches Tonight's show in Australia.

00:12:37.000 That's crazy.

00:12:38.000 They should.

00:12:39.000 It's a good show.

00:12:42.000 Yeah, podcasts are nuts, man.

00:12:43.000 You can get them easy.

00:12:44.000 That's the thing about it.

00:12:45.000 If you have to watch The Tonight Show to catch you, the odds of you actually being in front of your television when that happens are small.

00:12:51.000 The odds of you DVRing The Tonight Show are also small.

00:12:55.000 You know, it's usually one of those things where a lot of people look forward to it and they watch it before they go to bed.

00:12:59.000 It's a normal ritual.

00:13:01.000 I only use that as an example.

00:13:02.000 No, but it's a good one.

00:13:03.000 It's a good example because that's what we always needed, right?

00:13:06.000 Yeah.

00:13:06.000 I mean, Carson was the thing.

00:13:08.000 Back when you were coming up, if you got on Carson, holy shit, you fucking made it. 1.00

00:13:11.000 I know. 0.99

00:13:12.000 Like, you would see a guy like Richard Jenny who had like 18 Carsons or something like that.

00:13:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:16.000 Brilliant writer.

00:13:16.000 Brilliant.

00:13:17.000 And just such a great comic.

00:13:19.000 And you'd see those credits and you'd go, Jesus Christ, that guy did Carson 18 times?

00:13:24.000 Yeah.

00:13:24.000 And you would go see him and...

00:13:26.000 Of course, at the time, when I first saw Jenny, he was in the 80s.

00:13:30.000 He was a master.

00:13:31.000 Yeah, he was.

00:13:31.000 Just a master.

00:13:32.000 I remember just being in awe.

00:13:34.000 And there was a bunch of other comedians that were at the Eastside Comedy Club.

00:13:37.000 Remember Eastside in Long Island?

00:13:39.000 Of course, yeah.

00:13:40.000 Richie Medivini.

00:13:40.000 Yep, Richie Medivini, me, and Kevin James were sitting around after the show, and we're shaking our head.

00:13:46.000 We're like, God damn, he's good. 0.99

00:13:47.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:13:48.000 He apparently did two different hours. 0.99

00:13:50.000 On Friday night, he did two shows in 8 to 10. He did two completely different hours.

00:13:56.000 Completely.

00:13:57.000 Top to bottom.

00:13:57.000 And they were like, both of them were slaughtering.

00:14:00.000 He was just a destroyer.

00:14:01.000 Brilliant writer.

00:14:02.000 I remember feeling like he could take premises that you didn't think there was anything there, and you could turn them into one of your favorite bits.

00:14:09.000 Like he did a premise about buying a Corvette.

00:14:11.000 And the guy trying to talk him into all sorts of stuff in the Corvette.

00:14:14.000 And I remember thinking while he was doing this, wow, how is this guy going to make this funny?

00:14:18.000 He was talking about buying an expensive sports car, and he's going to figure out how to make this funny?

00:14:23.000 Remember the ref thing he did?

00:14:24.000 I had a bunch of great ones.

00:14:26.000 Well, you know, we had problems, him and I. And it really was because of him.

00:14:30.000 I'm not saying that kind of...

00:14:32.000 Because he's dead.

00:14:33.000 Yeah, because he's dead.

00:14:34.000 No, but what happened was we were, like, getting different things at the same time.

00:14:39.000 Like, you were competitive with each other?

00:14:41.000 Well, he was competitive with me, and I think it's because people pitted us against each other purely because we were short Italians.

00:14:48.000 Well, I'm a short Italian as well.

00:14:49.000 You've never been anything but supportive and nice to me.

00:14:52.000 Thank you, Joseph.

00:14:53.000 But I mean, you know, one time I said to him, because somebody was talking, I said, why don't we go out on the road together?

00:14:59.000 We'll fill up theaters.

00:15:00.000 And he goes, why would I want to do that?

00:15:02.000 I said, I don't know, to make money, to have fun?

00:15:04.000 You know, he didn't understand the concept.

00:15:06.000 Yeah.

00:15:07.000 He said to me one time, he goes, Montreal Comedy Festival, you think I should go there?

00:15:11.000 I said, go with the idea that you're going to meet beautiful girls, go to great restaurants, and then if you happen to get a deal, you do.

00:15:17.000 But have fun.

00:15:18.000 And he goes, fun?

00:15:19.000 He looked at me like, what do you mean fun?

00:15:21.000 This isn't fun.

00:15:21.000 This is...

00:15:22.000 He was tortured.

00:15:23.000 Wow.

00:15:25.000 He never enjoyed it.

00:15:26.000 That's the saddest part of it.

00:15:27.000 He never knew how good he was or he never enjoyed how good he was.

00:15:30.000 I first met him in Montreal.

00:15:32.000 Yeah.

00:15:33.000 I first met him in like...

00:15:34.000 Isn't that where I met you?

00:15:35.000 Yep.

00:15:36.000 Yep.

00:15:37.000 I met him in...

00:15:39.000 94, we were both passing each other in the front doors.

00:15:42.000 Just said hi.

00:15:43.000 Hey man, nice to meet you.

00:15:44.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:15:45.000 What shows you doing?

00:15:46.000 That kind of thing.

00:15:47.000 Just, you know.

00:15:48.000 And he seemed to me like he just was a brilliant mind.

00:15:54.000 Like a brilliant comic.

00:15:55.000 But just always, you know, in his own head.

00:15:57.000 Maybe almost too much.

00:15:58.000 I saw him on a plane.

00:15:59.000 I was flying back.

00:16:01.000 Remember they had three cabins on American?

00:16:04.000 And I was in first class.

00:16:05.000 And he was in coach with Lenny.

00:16:07.000 Lenny Clark?

00:16:08.000 No, not Lenny Clark.

00:16:09.000 Lenny, I forget his name.

00:16:10.000 Lenny Schultz?

00:16:12.000 Crazy Lenny?

00:16:12.000 Crazy Lenny.

00:16:13.000 No, not that crazy Lenny. 1.00

00:16:14.000 Not the one with more pigs, more shit Lenny. 1.00

00:16:16.000 There's so many fucking Lenny's in comedy. 1.00

00:16:18.000 What other Lenny? 1.00

00:16:20.000 Dave Hawthorne's friend.

00:16:21.000 You would know them.

00:16:22.000 Okay.

00:16:23.000 But anyway, I walked back to say hi, and he goes, you know, I usually fly first myself, but I'm flying him.

00:16:30.000 I said, Rich, it's okay.

00:16:31.000 I said, you know, and then I went, it's all right.

00:16:34.000 I didn't fly.

00:16:34.000 ABC flew me.

00:16:35.000 And he didn't like that either.

00:16:36.000 I'm thinking, I didn't do that to rub it in.

00:16:39.000 And then I finally said to him, Rich, what do you want me to do?

00:16:41.000 You want my cookie?

00:16:42.000 I'm just in first class. 0.99

00:16:43.000 It's not a big fucking deal. 0.99

00:16:45.000 You guys are so Italian. 0.99

00:16:46.000 That's such an Italian argument. 1.00

00:16:47.000 Give me my fucking cookie right up your ears. 1.00

00:16:50.000 He doesn't even have the good salami over there. 1.00

00:16:52.000 That fucking salami's get the nitrates. 1.00

00:16:56.000 Yeah, it's a tough... 1.00

00:17:00.000 It's a tough lesson for those guys that are super competitive and loners. 0.99

00:17:04.000 It's a tough lesson as you start getting older that none of this shit is fun if you don't have friends. 0.99

00:17:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:17:10.000 What we were talking about last night, we were all hanging out.

00:17:13.000 It was you and me and Kreischer and Josh Martin and Jesse Mae Peluso.

00:17:20.000 We're all hanging out.

00:17:21.000 I love that girl.

00:17:21.000 She's great.

00:17:22.000 She's so great.

00:17:23.000 But we're all laughing and having a great time.

00:17:26.000 Yeah.

00:17:26.000 We're all comics, you know?

00:17:28.000 Yeah, that's what it's all about.

00:17:29.000 It's supposed to be like that.

00:17:30.000 It's supposed to be we see each other, we hug each other.

00:17:31.000 You get excited. 0.66

00:17:32.000 I remember when I went to see the premiere of Batman, the very first one, and Jack Nicholson was in it, and he was at the bar and just fucking drinking and cheers with everybody, and Prince was there. 0.99

00:17:43.000 This little, you know, kind of faggotty Prince. 1.00

00:17:46.000 How dare you say faggotty? 1.00

00:17:48.000 Faggotatious. 1.00

00:17:49.000 Shit! 1.00

00:17:50.000 You made me say it. 1.00

00:17:52.000 He's sitting there.

00:17:52.000 Joe, he's got two bodyguards sitting in front of him.

00:17:55.000 He's sitting there, and I'm thinking, what fun is it?

00:17:57.000 Why don't you talk to somebody?

00:17:59.000 Feels like royalty, though.

00:18:00.000 I mean, the guy named himself Prince.

00:18:02.000 How shocking is that he wants to be treated like royalty, with giant men guarding his flesh.

00:18:07.000 Get these people out of the way.

00:18:09.000 I gotta get to my car.

00:18:10.000 I have an idea.

00:18:11.000 He had some high heels on, too.

00:18:13.000 I guess he wrote the music for that.

00:18:15.000 But anyway, it just struck me about...

00:18:17.000 Here's Nicholson.

00:18:18.000 Easily just as famous, if not more, than him.

00:18:21.000 And he was miserable, and Nicholson's all having fun.

00:18:25.000 Well, yeah.

00:18:27.000 Some people don't know how to...

00:18:28.000 But it's also part of what we were talking about earlier.

00:18:31.000 We were talking about Kobe Bryant.

00:18:33.000 And you were saying that Kobe, as he's gotten older, has become more humble and how convenient than when he's not doing good.

00:18:39.000 Right.

00:18:40.000 He lost his legs and gained a personality.

00:18:43.000 That could be the case.

00:18:45.000 But it also could be the case, couldn't it, that he's maturing as a man and learning and growing and realizing his mistakes and the consequences of his actions and Maybe reflecting on his behavior and changed who he is.

00:18:57.000 Yeah, it's not fun being alone with all your money.

00:19:00.000 What are you going to do?

00:19:00.000 Put your money in your bed and lay on it?

00:19:02.000 But those extreme winners, extreme winners, are so fucking hyper-crazy competitive. 0.99

00:19:08.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:19:08.000 Like, when I was talking to Lance Armstrong, it was really sinking in. 0.96

00:19:12.000 Because I know guys like him.

00:19:14.000 I know guys like him, whether it's fighters for the most part.

00:19:18.000 I know guys from the UFC. They're extreme winners.

00:19:22.000 They know how to win. 1.00

00:19:23.000 And one of the ways to know how to win, you gotta say fuck everybody else. 0.99

00:19:26.000 And those guys that say fuck everybody else like that, in the world of art, comedy, things along those lines, it's not necessary. 1.00

00:19:34.000 It fucks up. 0.99

00:19:36.000 It's not basketball where you have to intimidate your opponents. 0.88

00:19:39.000 It's better for everybody.

00:19:41.000 If you're nice to each other, you know?

00:19:43.000 I never felt that somebody else's success diminished me.

00:19:47.000 When I first started out, Eddie Murphy was about the same time. 0.81

00:19:51.000 He was getting these movies and some fucking Greedo comes up and goes, nah, I'm not for nothing.

00:19:55.000 Don't it bother you that Eddie Murphy's getting these movies and you're here at Bananas? 0.99

00:19:58.000 I go, what the fuck does it have to do with me? 0.95

00:20:00.000 Do you think if he didn't get 48 hours, I would have gotten it? 0.99

00:20:03.000 Yeah. 0.83

00:20:04.000 That mentality is just a loser mentality.

00:20:06.000 And all it is is a pattern. 0.95

00:20:08.000 You let your brain go down that path.

00:20:10.000 There's a pattern of behavior.

00:20:12.000 Like, you recognize that somebody else has something, you want that something, and then you'd be upset that that person has it, and then you don't.

00:20:18.000 And it becomes this animal instinct thing.

00:20:21.000 It's like a jealousy.

00:20:22.000 I mean, chimpanzees have horrible jealousy, Dom.

00:20:25.000 Horrible jealousy. 1.00

00:20:26.000 That guy that got his face bit off and his dick ripped off, remember that guy? 1.00

00:20:30.000 I remember a woman getting a face pill. 1.00

00:20:32.000 There was a woman who did, but before the woman who did. 0.99

00:20:34.000 See, the woman who did, it was because her friend had the chimp, and the woman who lived with the chimp had some weird relationship with the chimp, where she slept with it, she gave him Xanax, and she gave him red wine. 0.99

00:20:45.000 So this fucking chimp was drunk and on pills. 1.00

00:20:48.000 And he ripped this lady's face off. 1.00

00:20:50.000 So that's one chimp. 1.00

00:20:51.000 Or had been drunk and on pills. 0.98

00:20:53.000 That's one chimp. 1.00

00:20:54.000 But then there was another chimp where this guy had a pet chimp.

00:20:57.000 And he went to visit his pet chimp.

00:20:59.000 And the chimp got to be a certain age. 1.00

00:21:01.000 They had to get rid of it because it was biting people.

00:21:03.000 And it was terrifying, right?

00:21:04.000 I think it bit someone's finger off.

00:21:05.000 Because that's what they do.

00:21:06.000 They grab your hand, they bite your finger off.

00:21:09.000 They tear your finger from your hand.

00:21:11.000 And they do it almost instantly.

00:21:13.000 That's their move.

00:21:14.000 If you're lucky.

00:21:15.000 If they don't go for your face.

00:21:16.000 My father left me down with a squirrel monkey once.

00:21:20.000 Before I was in first grade, I was a kindergarten kid. 0.98

00:21:23.000 Just me and a squirrel monkey and the monkey started fucking hissing at me. 0.99

00:21:26.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

00:21:26.000 I was fucking terrified. 0.99

00:21:28.000 My grandmother had a monkey. 1.00

00:21:30.000 My grandmother had a monkey that lived in her attic.

00:21:32.000 He had a squirrel monkey.

00:21:33.000 It was called Chi Chi.

00:21:34.000 It would chew gum.

00:21:36.000 It would open up gum wrappers and chew gum. 1.00

00:21:39.000 What the fuck gets a monkey? 1.00

00:21:40.000 They're fucking out of their mind. 1.00

00:21:42.000 So anyway, these people, they went to visit their pet chimp at this sanctuary because they still loved them. 1.00

00:21:48.000 They had a relationship with this chimp, you know? 1.00

00:21:50.000 And they're like, we can't be with you anymore, but we're coming to visit.

00:21:53.000 And when they came to visit, they dropped off cake.

00:21:57.000 They gave him a cake, a birthday cake.

00:21:58.000 And the other chimps got furious that this chimp got cake and that they didn't. 1.00

00:22:04.000 And someone fucked up and left something open and they got out. 0.99

00:22:09.000 And when they got out, they tore this guy apart. 0.95

00:22:11.000 Just because he gave cake to this one guy and he didn't give it to him. 1.00

00:22:16.000 So they tore his dick off, tore his fingers off, bit his face off. 1.00

00:22:19.000 They just tear you apart. 1.00

00:22:21.000 They bite all your fingers off. 1.00

00:22:22.000 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:22:23.000 They're monsters. 1.00

00:22:24.000 I was on one of those shows, Petstar one.

00:22:27.000 Remember that?

00:22:28.000 The way you judge different animal tricks?

00:22:30.000 No.

00:22:30.000 I was holding a baby gorilla.

00:22:32.000 Oh, wow. 0.97

00:22:33.000 I mean, really young, but I mean, I thought this thing is going to be so fucking powerful. 0.98

00:22:37.000 It was just like a baby. 0.96

00:22:38.000 It put its head on my shoulder and I started making out with it.

00:22:40.000 It was nice.

00:22:41.000 Well, gorillas are more peaceful, I think.

00:22:43.000 Oh, and chimps?

00:22:44.000 Yeah.

00:22:44.000 Chimps are crazy.

00:22:45.000 Chimps are way more violent. 1.00

00:22:47.000 I mean, they're all violent. 0.98

00:22:48.000 They're all violent. 0.80

00:22:48.000 I mean, gorillas are vegetarians. 0.80

00:22:50.000 Pretty much exclusively.

00:22:52.000 So when you see a gorilla and those giant fangs that they have, that's just for fighting.

00:22:57.000 So they definitely fight each other, especially the males.

00:22:59.000 There was a video of a zoo recently, these two males beating the shit out of each other in some wildlife preserve. 0.80

00:23:06.000 Crazy. 0.98

00:23:06.000 You see how strong they are. 0.98

00:23:08.000 It's weird that they're like our size but stronger, like ten times stronger.

00:23:12.000 Well, they're way heavier.

00:23:13.000 You know, a full-grown gorilla is like 500 pounds or something crazy.

00:23:16.000 I think.

00:23:16.000 Does that make sense?

00:23:18.000 Yeah.

00:23:18.000 I think they get even bigger.

00:23:19.000 How big is the biggest silverback gorilla?

00:23:22.000 If you had to guess, what would you guess?

00:23:25.000 700 pounds.

00:23:26.000 Wow.

00:23:27.000 That's what I'm guessing.

00:23:28.000 I'm probably wrong by 400 pounds.

00:23:30.000 That's big.

00:23:31.000 I'm gonna go with five.

00:23:32.000 500 pounds.

00:23:33.000 I'll take the under.

00:23:35.000 You might be right though.

00:23:36.000 It might be like 800 or something.

00:23:37.000 I don't know.

00:23:39.000 I'm excited to find the results.

00:23:41.000 Oddly.

00:23:43.000 What do you got, Jamie?

00:23:45.000 I found a gorilla named Titus.

00:23:48.000 I'm trying to find out if it's a documentary named Titus the Gorilla King.

00:23:52.000 I'm trying to find the size.

00:23:56.000 This is not helping me, Jamie.

00:23:58.000 I know it doesn't say the size.

00:23:59.000 Well, just Google gorillas.

00:24:02.000 Mountain gorilla.

00:24:03.000 Gorilla.

00:24:03.000 Just Google gorilla.

00:24:05.000 You go to Wikipedia and it tells you exactly how much gorillas weigh.

00:24:08.000 Gorilla cock. 0.93

00:24:10.000 I'm saying 500 pounds. 0.88

00:24:12.000 I'm saying a full-grown gorilla is 500 pounds.

00:24:14.000 That's what I'm going with, Don.

00:24:15.000 I think I went over too far.

00:24:17.000 700?

00:24:17.000 You might not.

00:24:19.000 I'm going 650. The number eight, for some reason, is in my head.

00:24:22.000 800 pounds is in my head.

00:24:24.000 An 800-pound gorilla?

00:24:25.000 Yeah.

00:24:26.000 500-pound gorilla, right?

00:24:28.000 Wasn't that what they always said?

00:24:29.000 I don't know.

00:24:29.000 The 500-pound gorilla in the room?

00:24:31.000 Oh.

00:24:32.000 Wasn't it?

00:24:33.000 No, it's an elephant in the room.

00:24:34.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 A 500 pound gorilla was the one who could do anything he wants.

00:24:38.000 Yeah, about 510 pounds in the wild, and an obese one weighs about 600. Good job, Joe Rogan.

00:24:45.000 An obese one is 600. I defer to you in gorilla knowledge. 1.00

00:24:47.000 Yeah, I know my people.

00:24:49.000 You ever think of comedians who are smart?

00:24:52.000 Some of them. 1.00

00:24:52.000 I was with the dumbest fucking group of comedians at Laugh Factory the other night. 1.00

00:24:56.000 First of all, they go... 1.00

00:24:59.000 I'm going to Australia tomorrow, I told you.

00:25:01.000 The Sydney Festival, Perth Festival.

00:25:03.000 No, no, no.

00:25:04.000 In Australia.

00:25:06.000 No worries.

00:25:06.000 Anyway, they said, how far is it?

00:25:09.000 One of the guys, I said, from Sydney to LA, Sydney is 7,000 miles.

00:25:12.000 Is that all?

00:25:14.000 I go, yeah, what'd you think?

00:25:15.000 He goes, I thought it was a couple hundred thousand miles.

00:25:17.000 I said, a couple hundred thousand miles?

00:25:19.000 I said, how far, what's the circumference of the earth?

00:25:22.000 He goes, I don't know, a couple hundred thousand. 0.98

00:25:24.000 I go, it's fucking, it's 24,000 miles something. 0.98

00:25:27.000 Then they didn't know anything, Joe. 0.98

00:25:29.000 I was like, so far, and I'm not going to, because you know all these guys.

00:25:32.000 One guy said, I said, well, how far do you think the earth is from the sun?

00:25:35.000 He goes, I don't know, like 4,000, 5,000 miles. 0.98

00:25:37.000 I said, well, you think he fucking burned? 0.97

00:25:40.000 The sun is 93 million miles and we're still going to sunburn. 0.99

00:25:44.000 Like I'm all of a sudden this wizard.

00:25:45.000 Yeah, you're Carl Sagan all of a sudden.

00:25:47.000 That's hilarious.

00:25:49.000 How could you not?

00:25:50.000 A hundred thousand, a couple hundred thousand miles.

00:25:52.000 A couple hundred thousand miles.

00:25:54.000 That's funny.

00:25:55.000 I don't know, a couple late years.

00:25:57.000 Some people don't even consider the fact that we're on a giant 24,000 mile ball.

00:26:01.000 And we get cocky.

00:26:03.000 As if it can't just drop.

00:26:04.000 If it dropped two feet, we'd all feel it.

00:26:07.000 Well, if we get hit with something.

00:26:08.000 That's just the thing that gets me.

00:26:10.000 Did you see that recent impact they spotted on Jupiter?

00:26:12.000 They watched a comet collide with Jupiter.

00:26:15.000 A comic?

00:26:18.000 Yeah, he was up there bombing.

00:26:19.000 Get it?

00:26:20.000 Come on.

00:26:21.000 They hired him for a corporate gig.

00:26:23.000 Is this thing odd?

00:26:25.000 Do you do corporate gigs, Dom?

00:26:27.000 Not many.

00:26:28.000 Not worth it, right?

00:26:29.000 A little too rude.

00:26:29.000 A little too rude for it.

00:26:30.000 They seem like they're not worth it.

00:26:31.000 I've had people crying.

00:26:33.000 The president of a company's wife was crying when you heard my act.

00:26:38.000 Good.

00:26:38.000 It's not for me.

00:26:39.000 Grow up, bitch. 1.00

00:26:41.000 You don't do corporate, right? 1.00

00:26:42.000 No.

00:26:43.000 You just do your own thing.

00:26:45.000 It's not worth it.

00:26:46.000 Somebody just offered me one, a buddy of mine, who works at a company, and it would be a cool gig.

00:26:52.000 I want to be involved.

00:26:54.000 You know what?

00:26:54.000 It's always a key word to me, but it's got to keep it clean, but it's not much money.

00:26:58.000 Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself? 1.00

00:27:00.000 Did you ever see my stand-up? 1.00

00:27:03.000 Brian Callen did one recently.

00:27:05.000 Yeah, but he could do it because he's more theatrical.

00:27:06.000 The guy told him right before he was doing this thing, and he was...

00:27:10.000 This is a different story.

00:27:13.000 It was a benefit.

00:27:15.000 That's what it is.

00:27:15.000 Okay.

00:27:16.000 He did a benefit, and right before...

00:27:18.000 It's a non-stand-up environment.

00:27:20.000 That's how it's connected.

00:27:21.000 It's doing a stand-up comedy show...

00:27:29.000 We're good to go.

00:27:40.000 They tell him, keep it PG. There's a lot of religious people here. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Keep it PG. And he's like, what?

00:27:45.000 Like, wait, what are you saying?

00:27:47.000 You want me to come out here and do stand-up, but you want me to keep it PG? Like, you're going to tell me this right before I go on stage?

00:27:54.000 Like, I have an alternative set?

00:27:56.000 Like, you know, Brian has an hour that he does everywhere on the road.

00:27:59.000 He's got it honed down to a science, and that's what he's ready to do.

00:28:02.000 And right before he's ready to do that, they come to him and tell him to keep it PG. Yeah, that's ridiculous. 0.91

00:28:08.000 You know what I hate, Joe? 0.99

00:28:09.000 A little blue.

00:28:10.000 You can be a little blue. 0.99

00:28:10.000 What the fuck does that mean? 0.99

00:28:12.000 Don't hire somebody. 0.99

00:28:13.000 So relative.

00:28:14.000 Don't ask him to go.

00:28:15.000 If you don't know what someone... 1.00

00:28:17.000 Like, if you want to hire Gary Clark Jr., but you want him to play the fiddle, he doesn't play the fucking fiddle, stupid. 1.00

00:28:22.000 He's a guitarist. 1.00

00:28:23.000 I mean, he probably does, if he wants to.

00:28:25.000 If he wanted to, he should play the fiddle.

00:28:27.000 Yeah, but you're hiring Gary Clark Jr. to do Gary Clark Jr. That's what you want him to do, right? 0.99

00:28:33.000 You don't ask him to fucking sing like Adele. 1.00

00:28:35.000 It's stupid. 1.00

00:28:36.000 To get a... 1.00

00:28:37.000 R-rated comic like Callan and tell him to be PG right before he goes on stage.

00:28:43.000 That's rude.

00:28:43.000 He's not even that dirty, but he's definitely not PG. He talks a lot about cock.

00:28:48.000 A lot of cock. 1.00

00:28:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:50.000 A lot of it.

00:28:51.000 Does he work out?

00:28:52.000 I can't tell.

00:28:52.000 He does.

00:28:53.000 Like a dancer. 1.00

00:28:54.000 I love to fuck with him. 1.00

00:28:56.000 I know. 1.00

00:28:57.000 But he plays along with it, but also actually gets insulted at the same time.

00:29:04.000 He can still hurt his feelings.

00:29:05.000 Yeah, he'll play along with it, talk about himself, that I'm built for dance, I'm more like a woman.

00:29:10.000 And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, like real womanly. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Like a woman with narrow hips that would have to have a cesarean section. 1.00

00:29:16.000 And you see how it hits, I'm like, whoa, that doesn't feel good.

00:29:20.000 I remember I told Joe, I said, you know, it's interesting the way you stand up, because you don't particularly go for the laugh.

00:29:26.000 You don't pander to the crowd by trying to entertain them and all. 0.98

00:29:29.000 And he was going, and he's fucking with me a little. 0.98

00:29:31.000 Then he goes, Brian, I'm kidding. 0.99

00:29:34.000 But I got him a little. 0.99

00:29:36.000 Joey Diaz pulled his dick out on stage once, and Dom turns to me and goes, I see he's been writing again. 0.99

00:29:48.000 That was fucking funny. 1.00

00:29:51.000 That's another example of friendship. 0.98

00:29:56.000 Joey Diaz.

00:29:57.000 Everybody who's around Joey loves Joey.

00:30:00.000 Everybody in Joey's circle, Joey's in a circle of love.

00:30:05.000 If you talk to Joey, whether it's Lee Syed or any of the people that he knows, any of the people that he's around with all the time, or it's me or Duncan or Ari, everybody loves him.

00:30:14.000 So he's around love and support all the time.

00:30:16.000 I love his phone calls.

00:30:17.000 You get them too, right?

00:30:19.000 He calls me...

00:30:20.000 He's the only one that says my whole name.

00:30:21.000 Just checking in on you, Dom Herrera.

00:30:23.000 Dom Herrera, you okay?

00:30:24.000 Yeah, Joe, how you doing?

00:30:25.000 Good.

00:30:25.000 All right, baby.

00:30:26.000 I'll talk to you later.

00:30:27.000 Yeah, he calls people up to tell you he loves you.

00:30:29.000 Just checks in on you.

00:30:30.000 He's a gem. 1.00

00:30:31.000 What a fucking killer actor. 1.00

00:30:33.000 You never know. 1.00

00:30:33.000 He was murdering in Santa Barbara, too. 1.00

00:30:35.000 Woo! 1.00

00:30:36.000 He just plants his feet there, and he fucking kills. 1.00

00:30:39.000 Woo! 1.00

00:30:40.000 Goddamn, he's hot right now. 1.00

00:30:43.000 Damn! 1.00

00:30:44.000 Joey Diaz. 1.00

00:30:45.000 He's on fire.

00:30:46.000 He puts out a lot of material, too.

00:30:48.000 Joey's always working on some new stuff.

00:30:50.000 He's always working on some new stuff.

00:30:51.000 Well, he found his voice.

00:30:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:54.000 And he's also really popular right now.

00:30:57.000 Joey is selling out theaters.

00:30:59.000 He's selling out the Wilbur in Boston.

00:31:02.000 He can sell out a lot of pretty big places right now.

00:31:06.000 He sells out comedy clubs like crazy.

00:31:08.000 So people know what they're getting into.

00:31:10.000 They're looking forward to seeing him.

00:31:11.000 And when Joey feels comfortable, he's the most funniest when he's around us.

00:31:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:17.000 Because he's the most comfortable.

00:31:18.000 Because he's just surrounded by love. 1.00

00:31:20.000 And then he'll start talking shit. 1.00

00:31:21.000 And then you'll be crying. 1.00

00:31:22.000 Next thing you know, you're crying.

00:31:24.000 But now he gets that everywhere he goes now.

00:31:27.000 Because for years, he had to get these people to like him before he could be Uncle Joey.

00:31:31.000 Yeah.

00:31:32.000 You know, he had to get them to like him, and that was like part of the struggle was getting these people to understand what is in front of them.

00:31:36.000 Right. 1.00

00:31:37.000 They're looking at this 300-pound Cuban talking about eating asshole. 1.00

00:31:40.000 You gotta eat the ass. 1.00

00:31:41.000 Am I right? 1.00

00:31:41.000 Am I right, ladies? 1.00

00:31:42.000 You gotta eat that muffler. 1.00

00:31:44.000 And they're like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:31:45.000 And they don't know what to expect, and they didn't plan on seeing that. 0.99

00:31:49.000 So it takes a while.

00:31:50.000 But now that you plan on seeing it, and you know you're going to see him, then Joey Diaz, if you go to a Joey Diaz show, you go see him perform, it's all Joey Diaz fans.

00:32:00.000 And it's beautiful.

00:32:01.000 Yeah, it was beautiful.

00:32:02.000 We were splitting Bill at the Ice House last year a few times.

00:32:06.000 His fans are so much fun.

00:32:08.000 Yeah.

00:32:08.000 Yeah, and fans of his will be fans of you, and fans of you will be fans of his.

00:32:13.000 It's a great combination.

00:32:14.000 Yeah, but I mean, he's exactly what I'm talking about.

00:32:17.000 He made it because he's good, but he got exposure on the internet. 0.91

00:32:22.000 It wasn't through the regular, the old channels of The Tonight Show or HBO special or any of that shit. 0.94

00:32:28.000 No, they were all upset that it wasn't happening that way. 0.95

00:32:31.000 Ari was real upset about that. 1.00

00:32:33.000 Ari was real disgusted at one point in time by the old regime at Comedy Central. 0.99

00:32:37.000 And he was like, they kept using the same fucking people and I'll never get in there. 0.98

00:32:41.000 And meanwhile, now he's got a show in the second season on Comedy Central. 0.97

00:32:44.000 And everything about Ari, like all the stuff that kicked off, kicked off because of the internet. 0.98

00:32:49.000 The amazing racist stuff that he did.

00:32:52.000 Remember when he used to do Ask a Jew?

00:32:54.000 Yes.

00:32:55.000 At the Comedy Store?

00:32:56.000 He said to me, he was on my podcast, Joe, and he goes, what is it about me to look so Jewish?

00:33:02.000 I said, I don't know, you know.

00:33:04.000 He says, but you know I'm Jewish, right?

00:33:05.000 You know I'm a Jew by looking at me.

00:33:07.000 I said, but he said, what definitive features?

00:33:09.000 I don't know, your eyes, your nose.

00:33:11.000 I don't really want to break it down.

00:33:14.000 Your hair.

00:33:16.000 Jew's a weird one because it's a religion, but it's also a race.

00:33:20.000 Like, we say a guy looks Jewish.

00:33:23.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:24.000 Like, you don't say a guy looks Catholic.

00:33:25.000 But you could be Jewish.

00:33:26.000 Like, the mayor of Ireland was Jewish, and he had red hair and blue eyes.

00:33:29.000 The mayor of Ireland was Jewish? 0.69

00:33:30.000 Yeah, mayor of Dublin, rather.

00:33:32.000 Really?

00:33:33.000 Yeah.

00:33:33.000 Yeah, how can a mayor be a mayor of Ireland?

00:33:35.000 Well, it's only the size of a state.

00:33:37.000 They should stop being all high and mighty.

00:33:40.000 Just come over to the United States, folks. 1.00

00:33:42.000 I'll be in Kilkenny this year.

00:33:43.000 United States of Ireland.

00:33:45.000 I'll be in Kilkenny in June.

00:33:48.000 Fun people, man.

00:33:49.000 Joe, I'd love to have you over there.

00:33:50.000 I was telling you about me and Burr over there.

00:33:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:52.000 Fucking crying, laughing. 0.99

00:33:53.000 Yeah, we were talking about Ireland. 0.99

00:33:55.000 I've done Dublin a couple times, and I did Northern Ireland.

00:33:58.000 I did Belfast.

00:34:00.000 Love it up there.

00:34:00.000 It's fun.

00:34:01.000 They're fun people, man. 0.99

00:34:02.000 I had a conversation with this fucking guy in a bar in Belfast. 0.99

00:34:06.000 We were both hammered. 1.00

00:34:08.000 But he was talking in a different language.

00:34:11.000 I mean, I'm not exaggerating.

00:34:13.000 I barely understood what he was talking about.

00:34:15.000 Well, because they don't open their mouths.

00:34:17.000 Like, the north of Ireland and Scotland are very similar.

00:34:21.000 They don't open their mouth when they talk, so you can't even lip-read.

00:34:24.000 And all he kept saying was, I'll fight any man.

00:34:27.000 That's all I could hear.

00:34:28.000 I'll fight any man.

00:34:30.000 Because he knew we were here for the UFC. Just kept repeating himself.

00:34:38.000 I'm like, all right, dude.

00:34:39.000 Okay.

00:34:40.000 Go fight any man.

00:34:42.000 Good luck with all that.

00:34:43.000 I didn't know what to tell him.

00:34:44.000 I'll fight any man. 0.54

00:34:47.000 Hammered. 0.71

00:34:47.000 Eyes rolling around his head. 0.71

00:34:49.000 Just priding himself on the beating that he can take.

00:34:52.000 In Glasgow, I was doing a TV show and this woman, I couldn't understand her, the stage manager.

00:34:57.000 I said, I'm sorry, excuse me.

00:34:58.000 And finally she goes, apparently we have a language body.

00:35:02.000 And I said, apparently we'd.

00:35:05.000 And she started laughing and then just got a translator for me.

00:35:08.000 A translator to speak English.

00:35:10.000 Well, yeah, have you ever seen Train Spotting?

00:35:12.000 Yes.

00:35:13.000 They have subtitles, even though they're all speaking English.

00:35:17.000 They're smart because it's hard to understand it for us.

00:35:19.000 Yeah, they do that a lot on like reality shows and stuff. 0.99

00:35:22.000 They'll put in subtitles because people are whispering about shit, you know? 0.97

00:35:26.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.97

00:35:27.000 But the fact that the slang or the way they talk in Northern Ireland, their dialect, is so much different than American English.

00:35:37.000 But they can understand us.

00:35:38.000 Like, if I'm talking like this, everybody can understand me, right?

00:35:41.000 Yeah, but they grew up on our media.

00:35:43.000 But they were talking so loud and fast, and there's a thing, there's a difference between the way they talk, and all the other words are smushed together, lad!

00:35:49.000 They're smushed together!

00:35:51.000 That's pretty good, Joe.

00:35:52.000 You know, they're smushed.

00:35:54.000 We're lazier with our words.

00:35:56.000 But do you understand that they grew up watching The Sopranos and Seinfeld?

00:35:59.000 We didn't grow up watching Father Ted or any of those English or Irish shows.

00:36:03.000 No.

00:36:03.000 Well, Top Gear.

00:36:05.000 Top Gear with Jeremy Clarkson?

00:36:07.000 Richard Hammer?

00:36:09.000 What's his name?

00:36:10.000 Richard Hammond and something...

00:36:13.000 James May.

00:36:14.000 Yeah.

00:36:15.000 Great show.

00:36:16.000 I vaguely remember that.

00:36:17.000 Jeremy Clarkson is one of the funniest guys on TV in England.

00:36:19.000 He was hilarious.

00:36:20.000 Hilarious.

00:36:21.000 Just a car reviewer.

00:36:22.000 He was a writer and a guy who reviewed cars, who loved cars.

00:36:26.000 But he punched his producer.

00:36:30.000 They cancel the show.

00:36:32.000 Apparently, I don't know what happened.

00:36:34.000 Him and the guy have made up, but they've already fired him.

00:36:36.000 So now they're going to do it on Amazon now.

00:36:38.000 They're going to do the same show, but they have to come up with a new name for it.

00:36:41.000 So Jeremy Clarkson's been talking about it, and it won't come out.

00:36:44.000 It'll be more than a year from the time they fired him before this new one comes out.

00:36:49.000 Maybe contractual stuff.

00:36:51.000 But in that time, they hired a whole new crew of Top Gear.

00:36:55.000 And I wonder how the new crew is doing.

00:36:57.000 The new crew of Top Gear in England?

00:36:59.000 Chris Evans is on it.

00:37:00.000 Who is it?

00:37:01.000 Chris Evans is on it.

00:37:02.000 I don't know.

00:37:02.000 Google it.

00:37:03.000 What am I, a fucking computer? 1.00

00:37:04.000 Google it. 1.00

00:37:05.000 How dare you, lad?

00:37:06.000 Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc.

00:37:09.000 Matt LeBlanc?

00:37:10.000 From Friends?

00:37:11.000 In England?

00:37:12.000 No, the TV show Friends.

00:37:14.000 Right, in England.

00:37:15.000 Yeah, he's on that show.

00:37:16.000 He's doing cop here in England.

00:37:17.000 Jamie, you're stoned.

00:37:18.000 What's going on here?

00:37:19.000 A little bit.

00:37:19.000 You're a little out of it.

00:37:20.000 No, I'm telling you, Chris Evans.

00:37:21.000 You didn't smoke today, Joe.

00:37:22.000 I did twice.

00:37:23.000 Oh.

00:37:23.000 I did right before the show.

00:37:24.000 How dare you?

00:37:25.000 Chris Evans, the YouTube guy.

00:37:25.000 Sorry for accusing you of being straight.

00:37:27.000 The YouTube car guy.

00:37:28.000 He's one of the hosts on the show, too.

00:37:30.000 In England.

00:37:30.000 Yeah, he was on the podcast.

00:37:31.000 And Matt LeBlanc, the actor from Friends.

00:37:34.000 Yeah, there's seven people that are on it.

00:37:36.000 Seven people on the New England show?

00:37:38.000 Wow, Matt LeBlanc in England.

00:37:39.000 So does Matt LeBlanc live in England now?

00:37:41.000 I don't know.

00:37:42.000 Whoa.

00:37:43.000 There he is, number three.

00:37:44.000 How weird.

00:37:47.000 Well, that's interesting.

00:37:48.000 They decided to go completely crazy and put six hosts instead of three.

00:37:54.000 Yes, I'm sure they just team up to do different challenges like they did before.

00:37:57.000 Who is everybody there?

00:37:58.000 I'm not sure who the rest of the people are.

00:38:00.000 The one guy looks like Ron James with the air let out of him.

00:38:03.000 Ron James with the air let out of him.

00:38:06.000 There's no list of the names?

00:38:07.000 No, not here.

00:38:08.000 Hmm.

00:38:09.000 It's weird.

00:38:11.000 This is on what, BBC? Yep.

00:38:14.000 Boy, they got fucking boring television. 0.99

00:38:16.000 Find out what the cast is, because who is that one guy in the background? 0.99

00:38:25.000 It's not Chris Harris.

00:38:27.000 Ah, that's what I was trying, no?

00:38:30.000 No, you mean Chris Harris, the guy that was on the podcast?

00:38:32.000 Yeah.

00:38:33.000 You said the wrong name.

00:38:34.000 Well, it says Chris Evans.

00:38:36.000 I don't know why I keep saying Chris Evans everywhere.

00:38:37.000 I thought his name was Chris Harris.

00:38:39.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:38:39.000 You sure the same guy?

00:38:41.000 Maybe it's Chris Evans and not Chris Harris.

00:38:43.000 I'm sure they probably know his name.

00:38:47.000 Yeah, sidetracked.

00:38:49.000 Sorry.

00:38:50.000 Obviously, it's a different guy.

00:38:54.000 Who is this?

00:38:55.000 Well, just go to Google Chris Evans. 0.99

00:38:59.000 Let's see what the fuck's going on here. 0.99

00:39:00.000 Get to the bottom of this, goddammit. 1.00

00:39:03.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97

00:39:04.000 I hardly remember that show.

00:39:06.000 We'll get a photo of this gentleman so we see what he looks like.

00:39:08.000 No, that's not Chris Harris.

00:39:10.000 So Chris Harris is the guy that was on here.

00:39:12.000 Yes.

00:39:15.000 Is he on this new show?

00:39:17.000 Maybe they're both on it and that's why I'm confused.

00:39:19.000 It looks like it.

00:39:21.000 That's Chris Harris, right?

00:39:23.000 Yes.

00:39:25.000 Confirmed.

00:39:25.000 So he's one of the new Top Gear hosts.

00:39:27.000 Aha! 0.94

00:39:28.000 Alright, that makes sense.

00:39:29.000 So that's Chris Evans, who's the red-headed gentleman, and then there's Chris Harris, who's been on the show.

00:39:33.000 Oh, well that might work. 0.99

00:39:35.000 That fucking guy's hilarious. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Harris is hilarious. 1.00

00:39:38.000 He's really funny, man. 0.95

00:39:39.000 He was really fucking smart, too. 0.96

00:39:42.000 Really smart. 0.97

00:39:42.000 What's his ethnic background? 0.97

00:39:44.000 I don't know.

00:39:45.000 So she's a German, I think she's like a BMW driver. 0.99

00:39:48.000 This girl's Sabine Schmitz.

00:39:50.000 The middle guy looks familiar to me.

00:39:51.000 Do you feel like you could have a driver even though you're a man?

00:39:53.000 Yeah, definitely not.

00:39:54.000 Don't you feel like there's something about you that'll win?

00:39:56.000 Maybe.

00:39:57.000 I mean, I just got a BMW, so...

00:39:58.000 I could probably tear it up.

00:40:00.000 I got my own BMW, so basically I'm a race car driver.

00:40:04.000 I don't take turns.

00:40:06.000 That Chris Harris guy is awesome, though.

00:40:08.000 His series, Chris Harris on Cars on YouTube, is one of the best reviews of automobiles.

00:40:14.000 He's one of the most thorough, one of the most humorous, and so educated and knowledgeable about the inner workings of a car and why certain aspects of a car affect other aspects of it and what's good and what's bad.

00:40:26.000 He's just a wizard, man.

00:40:28.000 He's really good.

00:40:29.000 He's a perfect guy to replace Jeremy Clarkson, because his humor is also very British.

00:40:34.000 It's not as insulting as Jeremy Clarkson tend to be, and probably not as, like, go for the punchline, because Jeremy Clarkson has some hilarious punchlines.

00:40:43.000 He's a really funny guy, man.

00:40:45.000 His reviews of cars were awesome.

00:40:47.000 It's like, I would watch it and just fast-forward through the other shit until he would get to a car, because he's just fun.

00:40:53.000 What was it on here? 0.98

00:40:54.000 It was on BBC America.

00:40:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:40:56.000 But there's a Top Gear, and then there's a Top Gear from here with Rutledge, who is here, and our buddy Adam Farrar is on it, and Tanner Faust.

00:41:09.000 That's the show Adam's on.

00:41:10.000 Yeah, he's on the American version.

00:41:13.000 The American version of Top Gear.

00:41:15.000 I got the host names finally.

00:41:18.000 Okay.

00:41:18.000 We love you, Adam.

00:41:20.000 There we go.

00:41:22.000 Chris Harris.

00:41:24.000 YouTube star, they're calling him.

00:41:26.000 Chris Harris.

00:41:26.000 F1 Pundit.

00:41:27.000 Eddie Jordan.

00:41:28.000 Motoring journalist Rory Reed.

00:41:31.000 And Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc.

00:41:33.000 Hmm.

00:41:33.000 And The Stig.

00:41:34.000 Show returns in May.

00:41:36.000 Interesting.

00:41:36.000 So it's returning next month.

00:41:38.000 Hmm.

00:41:39.000 Look, man, if Harris is on it and they let him do his thing, it'll be awesome.

00:41:43.000 Matt LeBlanc grew up in my town.

00:41:45.000 Really?

00:41:45.000 Yeah, he grew up in Newton.

00:41:47.000 I heard about him when I moved here.

00:41:50.000 I think we dated the same girl at one point in time when we were young.

00:41:55.000 Like when we were in teenage years or something like that.

00:41:58.000 Are you the same age?

00:41:59.000 I think so.

00:42:00.000 I'm 48. I think he's 48, too, or something close to it.

00:42:04.000 But yeah, he's from Newton.

00:42:06.000 He's from Newton, Massachusetts.

00:42:07.000 He's 48?

00:42:08.000 Yeah.

00:42:08.000 I never met that dude though.

00:42:09.000 That's where John Katz lives.

00:42:11.000 Dr. Katz.

00:42:12.000 How's he doing?

00:42:12.000 Is he doing okay?

00:42:13.000 He's alright.

00:42:15.000 Still having some nerve problems, right?

00:42:18.000 Yeah, MS. Yeah, man. 1.00

00:42:20.000 He's funny as a motherfucker. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Always was. 0.99

00:42:22.000 He was the host of the first open mic night I ever did.

00:42:25.000 Really?

00:42:25.000 Mm-hmm.

00:42:26.000 He's not the kind of guy that should be hosting.

00:42:28.000 He was great.

00:42:28.000 Was he good?

00:42:29.000 Yeah, he was great.

00:42:30.000 I mean, he was a pro.

00:42:31.000 I knew what he was doing.

00:42:31.000 He's a pro.

00:42:32.000 But it was at Stitches Comedy Club in Boston, 1988, August 27th.

00:42:37.000 We were talking about Gary Shandling, you know.

00:42:39.000 August 28th, 19...

00:42:41.000 19 what?

00:42:42.000 August 27th, 1988. 1988, okay.

00:42:46.000 Gary Shandling, man, so sad.

00:42:47.000 John was telling me about a line he said on Dr. Katz.

00:42:51.000 He said, it's important when you're making love to a woman that you end at the same time. 0.84

00:42:55.000 And Gary said, actually, it's more important that you begin at the same time.

00:43:00.000 That you begin making love at the same time.

00:43:03.000 Yes.

00:43:04.000 It's typical Dr. Katz kind of joke.

00:43:08.000 It's just not hitting me.

00:43:09.000 No, it's alright.

00:43:10.000 For whatever reason, I can't fake it.

00:43:11.000 Hey, that's why I said it was their joke.

00:43:13.000 I don't want to take responsibility for it.

00:43:15.000 Maybe it's coming out of your mouth.

00:43:17.000 I'm expecting it to be as funny as what you come up with, Dom.

00:43:20.000 Thank you, Joe.

00:43:21.000 You know what I mean, brother.

00:43:22.000 Appreciate it.

00:43:22.000 My pleasure.

00:43:23.000 I'm trying to write.

00:43:24.000 You know that.

00:43:25.000 Well, you're always writing.

00:43:27.000 You're one of those guys that's...

00:43:29.000 You're always enjoying the process.

00:43:32.000 You know, I think the funniest people that I know are all the ones like you or Diaz or... 0.93

00:43:37.000 Burr.

00:43:37.000 Any of those guys that are just constantly churning out new stuff.

00:43:40.000 Constantly working out putting on stuff.

00:43:42.000 That made me feel good a few weeks ago when you were in there.

00:43:44.000 Because I hear you laughing.

00:43:46.000 I heard Mark Maron laughing.

00:43:48.000 He was laughing.

00:43:50.000 I was crying though.

00:43:51.000 You were killing me.

00:43:53.000 You went up guns blazing.

00:43:54.000 It was funny, too, because you were following Christina Pazitzky, and she had this bit.

00:43:57.000 I won't give away the bit, but you went on after her, mocking the premise of the bit, and then you went deeper and deeper and deeper into it.

00:44:04.000 It was so preposterous.

00:44:05.000 That was fun. 1.00

00:44:07.000 That fucking place is so much fun. 1.00

00:44:09.000 I like to fuck around with the other acts when they're my friends, you know? 1.00

00:44:11.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:44:12.000 That's the one thing I used to like in the old Laugh Factory days when Brian was still coming in there and Chris DeLay was new.

00:44:19.000 And we'd get up in the balcony and just harass each other.

00:44:22.000 Yeah, that was fun, man.

00:44:24.000 I haven't been back to Laugh Factory.

00:44:27.000 Except for your shows in a long time.

00:44:29.000 But I did a show there the other night on Saturday or something like that.

00:44:34.000 On what day was it?

00:44:35.000 Tuesday?

00:44:36.000 Tuesday? 0.99

00:44:38.000 But damn, it was good. 0.99

00:44:40.000 The crowd was on fire, man. 0.99

00:44:42.000 I did one other set there, too, for another guy.

00:44:46.000 I did the John Henson show, and then I did a Wednesday night that was packed.

00:44:52.000 It was great.

00:44:53.000 They have a good room in Vegas.

00:44:54.000 That's what I heard.

00:44:56.000 But Brad Garrett's, they say, is better.

00:44:58.000 The Brad Garrett room at the MGM. For political reasons, I don't want to make a choice.

00:45:03.000 Oh, I like what you're doing there.

00:45:04.000 Well, just nod your head to the left if you think Brad Garrett's better.

00:45:10.000 Don't look.

00:45:11.000 Don't look at him.

00:45:11.000 They're both good.

00:45:12.000 Yeah, but the Brad Garrett one, I've yet to walk inside either one of them.

00:45:17.000 It's beautiful.

00:45:17.000 We've got to organize a time where we're both in Vegas at the same time.

00:45:21.000 I know.

00:45:21.000 I love that.

00:45:22.000 How often do you do that room?

00:45:24.000 I'm doing it in July.

00:45:25.000 I'm doing Brad's in June.

00:45:27.000 What time is your show when you do it there?

00:45:30.000 Brad is only one show.

00:45:31.000 I think it's at 9. At 9. Well, if that's the case, you could go to the UFC and And still make it to your show.

00:45:38.000 You can go to the UFC and just leave at like 8. I had so much fun.

00:45:42.000 And especially one of the most compelling sounds I've ever heard of emotion was that in Montreal when you invited Tammy and I there.

00:45:51.000 That was amazing.

00:45:52.000 I forget the guy's name.

00:45:53.000 Very French name.

00:45:55.000 Georges St-Pierre.

00:45:56.000 Yeah.

00:45:56.000 Man, was that fun.

00:45:57.000 We got there just in time for that.

00:45:59.000 I was so glad he won.

00:46:00.000 It would have been such a bummer with that crowd like that.

00:46:03.000 Yeah, man.

00:46:04.000 In Montreal and in...

00:46:06.000 In Toronto.

00:46:07.000 Toronto was the biggest crowd we had ever had before Australia for a UFC event.

00:46:12.000 Where'd you go to Australia?

00:46:14.000 Well, we've had them in Sydney, but the most recent one was in Melbourne, and it was this giant arena.

00:46:20.000 It was huge.

00:46:20.000 It was more than 60,000.

00:46:23.000 So it was more than the Rogers place in Toronto.

00:46:26.000 Was it Rod Laver?

00:46:27.000 What's that?

00:46:28.000 Rod Laver, the tennis guy?

00:46:30.000 What do you mean?

00:46:31.000 He has his own...

00:46:33.000 It's like a stadium or something.

00:46:35.000 Oh, could be.

00:46:36.000 Could be.

00:46:36.000 I don't remember.

00:46:37.000 I don't know.

00:46:38.000 I wasn't paying attention to the name of the place.

00:46:40.000 But it was awesome.

00:46:42.000 I love Melbourne.

00:46:44.000 Melbourne's amazing. 1.00

00:46:45.000 What a goddamn city that is. 1.00

00:46:46.000 I know. 1.00

00:46:46.000 The restaurants are so good. 1.00

00:46:47.000 People are really smart, too.

00:46:49.000 Someone described it best.

00:46:50.000 They said it's like a San Francisco of Australia.

00:46:53.000 That's what it kind of feels like.

00:46:54.000 It is, yeah.

00:46:56.000 Yeah, I love it there, man.

00:46:57.000 That's one place outside of America, other than like Vancouver or Toronto or Montreal, where you go, oh, I could live here. 0.94

00:47:03.000 Montreal's cold as fuck, so is Toronto in the winter, but the people are so nice, it seems like it's almost worth the trade-off, you know? 0.96

00:47:10.000 Well, Australia, they're happy. 0.99

00:47:11.000 I think part of it is they're so far away from all the trouble.

00:47:16.000 I mean, even if you invaded them, you'd have to stop to refuel.

00:47:19.000 They're so ridiculously far.

00:47:21.000 That's a good point.

00:47:22.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:47:23.000 They took an island and they filled it up with criminals and it became an awesome country.

00:47:28.000 Yeah.

00:47:30.000 Then they got some really good lawyers because them and the aborigines cut a really bad deal for the aborigines. 1.00

00:47:36.000 Here, we'll give you all the shit spots in the middle with nothing barren land and we'll take the beaches and the cliffs. 0.96

00:47:41.000 Yeah, we'll take all the beautiful areas and you guys can have where the spiders live. 0.98

00:47:45.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:47:46.000 Yeah, it is definitely a shit deal. 0.99

00:47:48.000 It's just a strange society there. 0.99

00:47:51.000 It's 20 million people on the entire island and the island is enormous.

00:47:55.000 There's more people in California or just as many.

00:47:57.000 Yeah.

00:47:58.000 One of the things that's cool about that is when that door opens, you're in a different world.

00:48:04.000 The trees are different.

00:48:05.000 I'm going into fall.

00:48:08.000 It's kind of cool.

00:48:09.000 Have you ever gone to Africa?

00:48:11.000 No.

00:48:12.000 I've been thinking about going on one of those wildlife safaris in Tanzania.

00:48:17.000 As long as I know that it's some sort of a protected device.

00:48:21.000 See, I don't go to any place where you've got to get needles to go to.

00:48:23.000 Do you have to go to get needles before you go to Tanzania?

00:48:26.000 You don't have to get needles for South Africa.

00:48:29.000 You don't?

00:48:30.000 No, I'm almost positive you don't.

00:48:32.000 So they have some places in Africa where you have to get needles and some you don't?

00:48:35.000 Yeah, you have to get malaria shots and all that.

00:48:37.000 Do you think Tanzania is one of them?

00:48:38.000 I would bet that it is.

00:48:39.000 What about Zimbabwe?

00:48:40.000 Where should I go?

00:48:42.000 Where's the spot?

00:48:43.000 I just want to...

00:48:43.000 I think it would be cool to be somewhere...

00:48:46.000 I just like...

00:48:47.000 I don't like those open Jeeps, man. 1.00

00:48:49.000 I don't trust those fucking things. 1.00

00:48:50.000 No, I don't either. 1.00

00:48:51.000 I've seen people use those things, and they say the cats don't jump inside, and it's safe, and you totally do it. 1.00

00:48:56.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Man. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Well, you never did before. 1.00

00:48:59.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:49:00.000 I mean, I guess they do it every day, and they know.

00:49:02.000 You know, I guess it's probably safe 90% of the time, or 99% of the time.

00:49:08.000 But if I could be in something where I knew that it was completely, like, closed off to the outside world, you can move around amongst them?

00:49:16.000 Did I ever tell you that I went to Australia and they had...

00:49:18.000 I thought I was going to see kangaroos and all this, you know, wallabies.

00:49:23.000 The guy says, you want some food?

00:49:25.000 I go, yeah.

00:49:25.000 And I thought, you know, you throw the food at the animals and they're all happy.

00:49:28.000 You go in there with them.

00:49:30.000 Right?

00:49:30.000 You're right there.

00:49:31.000 They're just like there.

00:49:32.000 You feed them. 0.99

00:49:33.000 Fucking kangaroos, when they get up, they're pretty big, you know? 1.00

00:49:35.000 If they want to kick you and fuck you up, too, they'll break your back. 1.00

00:49:39.000 I had to punch an emu in the neck. 1.00

00:49:41.000 Oh. 0.91

00:49:42.000 But it was bothering Sophie.

00:49:44.000 It kept nipping at her. 1.00

00:49:45.000 And I hit that motherfucker. 1.00

00:49:47.000 It was very funny because you hear... 1.00

00:49:49.000 I hit him and I really clocked him.

00:49:52.000 And you hear...

00:49:53.000 As he ran away.

00:49:56.000 But I didn't know that you just walked in with the animals.

00:49:58.000 Those are dinosaurs, man.

00:50:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:50:00.000 They really are.

00:50:01.000 You know, they think that a good percentage of dinosaurs had feathers now.

00:50:05.000 They're starting to revamp their opinion...

00:50:08.000 Apparently there's a natural history museum now that actually has I think it's in New York that actually has a model of a Tyrannosaurus with feathers all over it.

00:50:20.000 Wow.

00:50:21.000 Because they think it might be what it looked like.

00:50:23.000 See if you can find that, Jamie.

00:50:24.000 Which kind of makes sense if you think about it.

00:50:26.000 I mean, look, we see turkeys. 0.99

00:50:28.000 We see these big ostriches and emus and all these fucking weird giant birds. 0.98

00:50:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:50:36.000 Eagles.

00:50:36.000 They're all dinosaurs.

00:50:38.000 And they're covered with feathers.

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:41.000 There's Natural History Museum, New York City model, something New York City model T-Rex feathers.

00:50:49.000 Because they actually have like a life-size T-Rex.

00:50:53.000 Or a model of T-ray, a large model of T-ray.

00:50:56.000 It might not be life-size.

00:50:57.000 But it's got feathers all over it.

00:50:58.000 I want to say that it's in New York City.

00:51:00.000 Wow, that's wild.

00:51:00.000 I never heard that.

00:51:00.000 Yeah, they're starting to think that now.

00:51:02.000 They're starting to think that maybe a lot of them had feathers.

00:51:04.000 So, wait a minute.

00:51:05.000 We were descendants of the ocean, or were we descendants of the land?

00:51:08.000 Us?

00:51:09.000 Well, it all comes from the original sources, most likely the ocean.

00:51:13.000 They think that all that life came from moisture, right?

00:51:17.000 And some weird interaction with...

00:51:20.000 Proteins and amino acids and radiation.

00:51:22.000 There it is.

00:51:23.000 Look at that picture, Dom.

00:51:24.000 How crazy is that? 1.00

00:51:25.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:51:26.000 What an insane photograph. 1.00

00:51:29.000 That is just insane.

00:51:31.000 So they think this might be what T-Rex looks like.

00:51:34.000 If you find it, it looks like the craziest bird ever.

00:51:40.000 Like just a demonic bird. 0.99

00:51:43.000 And it looks fucking terrifying. 0.99

00:51:47.000 It kind of looks like hair, too, not just like feathers. 0.97

00:51:50.000 Well, you know, they were non-flight feathers, you know?

00:51:54.000 Like some birds have different kinds of feathers.

00:51:58.000 They know that there was these things called terror birds.

00:52:01.000 That lived in North America that were enormous.

00:52:04.000 They were like nine feet tall birds that didn't live that long ago.

00:52:08.000 I want to say they lived like a million years ago.

00:52:11.000 That's another one, another different example.

00:52:13.000 That's like a more conservative estimate of what the feathers looked like.

00:52:19.000 But there's these comparisons of terror birds, and they put them alongside human beings, and they lived right here.

00:52:26.000 They lived in North America.

00:52:28.000 They don't have any fossils of them?

00:52:29.000 They do.

00:52:30.000 They do have fossils of them.

00:52:31.000 And there were these enormous, like, nine-foot-tall birds that didn't fly, and they just jacked things, killed things.

00:52:39.000 But they had beaks like a bird. 0.97

00:52:42.000 So because they have beaks like a bird, we look at that particular type of...

00:52:45.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:52:48.000 Wow.

00:52:48.000 That's what these things look like.

00:52:50.000 I mean, these were real animals.

00:52:53.000 The image that we're looking at is a drawing, an artist's rendition of a man.

00:52:57.000 Looks like a six foot tall man standing next to a Volkswagen with these things towering above him. 0.99

00:53:02.000 And you get to see how big these fuckers are. 1.00

00:53:05.000 They were so big. 1.00

00:53:07.000 This one is three meters tall.

00:53:09.000 So that's nine feet tall. 1.00

00:53:11.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:53:14.000 Kilograms? 1.00

00:53:15.000 400 kilos.

00:53:16.000 That's like a thousand pounds?

00:53:17.000 Yeah.

00:53:18.000 What's 50 cm?

00:53:20.000 Centimeters.

00:53:21.000 Oh.

00:53:22.000 Because this is all some different country where they speak some heathen language. 1.00

00:53:28.000 They call the metric system.

00:53:29.000 Why is it 50 centimeters?

00:53:30.000 That doesn't seem right.

00:53:31.000 50 centimeters.

00:53:33.000 That's not that very...

00:53:34.000 They tried to pull it on us, but we wouldn't bite.

00:53:36.000 Well, it says 2.3 meters, 400 kilograms.

00:53:39.000 He's 50 centimeters.

00:53:40.000 The man?

00:53:41.000 No.

00:53:41.000 That can't be right.

00:53:43.000 Is that the man?

00:53:43.000 Is that what they're...

00:53:45.000 Is that the...

00:53:46.000 No.

00:53:46.000 What does that mean?

00:53:49.000 I don't know.

00:53:51.000 Yeah, that can't be 50 centimeters.

00:53:53.000 A centimeter's like an inch.

00:53:54.000 It's less than an inch, isn't it?

00:53:55.000 Yeah.

00:53:56.000 He'd be a really short guy.

00:53:57.000 He'd be a tiny guy.

00:53:58.000 Well, I guess he is.

00:53:59.000 Because he's below that.

00:54:00.000 Look how tall he is compared to a beetle.

00:54:01.000 A beetle's not very tall, so maybe he is a short guy.

00:54:04.000 Maybe.

00:54:05.000 But what is 50 centimeters as far as...

00:54:07.000 Because 50 centimeters is above his head.

00:54:10.000 I mean, it is possible to use the short guy just to make a point, but...

00:54:14.000 Well, yeah, you know what?

00:54:15.000 He looks short because, look, if it's nine feet tall, it's only double his size.

00:54:18.000 Is he four and a half feet tall?

00:54:20.000 Is that a child?

00:54:22.000 Are they playing with our emotions here? 1.00

00:54:24.000 The fuck is going on? 1.00

00:54:26.000 Point being, that fucking thing was alive. 1.00

00:54:30.000 50 centimeters is less than 2 feet. 1.00

00:54:33.000 It's only 20 inches.

00:54:33.000 It's a little dude.

00:54:34.000 I don't know.

00:54:35.000 That's not right.

00:54:35.000 Because the VW bug is definitely taller than that.

00:54:39.000 Yeah, they just made a mistake.

00:54:40.000 It's a bad picture.

00:54:41.000 What year do these things exist?

00:54:43.000 These terror birds?

00:54:46.000 Does it say what year? 0.99

00:54:51.000 What a fucking weird world we have as far as the biological diversity. 0.98

00:54:55.000 Well, this is all new to me. 0.98

00:54:58.000 I thought we were set on what the dinosaurs looked like by their bone structure.

00:55:02.000 This is not a dinosaur.

00:55:03.000 This is 1.8 million years ago.

00:55:05.000 From 62 to 1.8 million years ago.

00:55:10.000 So, if it's from 62 to 1.8, what is that?

00:55:14.000 New findings dating them to 450,000 17,000 years ago.

00:55:19.000 Oh! 0.60

00:55:20.000 Would imply that some...

00:55:22.000 Wow, how do you say that word?

00:55:24.000 For us...

00:55:25.000 For us...

00:55:28.000 Rossids. 0.95

00:55:29.000 For us racids.

00:55:31.000 For us racids.

00:55:32.000 Survived there until recently, i.e.

00:55:35.000 the late Pleistocene.

00:55:36.000 But this...

00:55:37.000 This claim is debated.

00:55:40.000 So, it's possible that it was 17,000 years ago.

00:55:43.000 It's likely that...

00:55:47.000 It's somewhere between that and 1.8 million years ago, which is, like, way later than the dinosaurs.

00:55:52.000 The dinosaurs were 65 million years ago, so the oldest date they have is 62 million years, so it's 3 million years newer than the dinosaurs died.

00:56:01.000 These monster-ass birds survived that impact.

00:56:04.000 That's what they are. 1.00

00:56:05.000 They're fucking beasts. 1.00

00:56:07.000 Where do you think it hit? 1.00

00:56:08.000 Where?

00:56:09.000 They think it hit the Yucatan, the one that killed the dinosaurs.

00:56:12.000 They pretty much know where it hit.

00:56:14.000 They have this whole area.

00:56:15.000 Did that just push the Earth out of the orbit a little?

00:56:17.000 Well, they think it did something to the atmosphere for sure.

00:56:20.000 They think it rained lava, like literally rained lava.

00:56:24.000 They think the impact from it clouded the sky and caused nuclear winter.

00:56:29.000 I mean, the impact had the actual sphere, the globe, the Earth itself was ringing like a bell for like years.

00:56:39.000 Look at that.

00:56:40.000 That's the area.

00:56:44.000 That's the area where it hit.

00:56:46.000 The crater's buried in the ocean.

00:56:49.000 What?

00:56:50.000 Could you just imagine how big that...

00:56:52.000 I mean, that's 65 million years ago.

00:56:54.000 That thing hit and everything started from scratch.

00:56:58.000 The whole world got a whole new order.

00:57:00.000 Everything's different.

00:57:01.000 And that can happen at any time.

00:57:04.000 Not only can it happen at any time, it's most likely gonna happen.

00:57:07.000 That's why we should never get too cocky.

00:57:09.000 Never get too cocky.

00:57:12.000 You gotta take a leak?

00:57:13.000 What is that?

00:57:14.000 What are you showing me?

00:57:19.000 Uh, we'll figure it out.

00:57:21.000 Alright.

00:57:21.000 Relax.

00:57:24.000 Dominic Herrera with secret information that he wrote down.

00:57:27.000 I had to read his handwriting too.

00:57:29.000 Sorry about that.

00:57:30.000 How long before people don't write things anymore?

00:57:32.000 Is that coming?

00:57:33.000 This is here.

00:57:34.000 But we write that.

00:57:35.000 We wrote those notes.

00:57:37.000 People still write little notes.

00:57:38.000 Yeah, well, we still text.

00:57:40.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 It's like we like going to a place where we see a chalkboard and the menu's written in chalk.

00:57:46.000 Like, oh, they wrote it themselves.

00:57:48.000 Well, they don't teach cursive anymore.

00:57:50.000 No.

00:57:50.000 They shouldn't.

00:57:51.000 Did you learn that?

00:57:53.000 Yeah.

00:57:54.000 Did you go to Catholic grade school?

00:57:55.000 No, I went to first grade Catholic school and then public school after that.

00:58:00.000 This was in New York though?

00:58:01.000 No, no.

00:58:02.000 I went New Jersey, Catholic school, and then San Francisco public school after that, then Florida, then Boston.

00:58:09.000 Where in Florida?

00:58:11.000 Gainesville.

00:58:13.000 Wow.

00:58:14.000 Every time I meet you, I learn something new.

00:58:16.000 That was when, when I was a kid, alligators were endangered, and we would go to this place called Lake Alice in Gainesville.

00:58:23.000 We'd feed the alligators marshmallows.

00:58:26.000 And it was weird, man.

00:58:27.000 We just didn't worry about alligators.

00:58:29.000 They were around.

00:58:29.000 They were always around.

00:58:30.000 And they really didn't bother people.

00:58:32.000 No, they don't. 0.96

00:58:32.000 But there's just this agreement with people and alligators for whatever fucking strange reason. 0.96

00:58:37.000 It didn't make any sense. 0.99

00:58:38.000 It was almost like evolutionarily, it was a bad idea for them to fuck with people, so they just didn't fuck with people. 0.99

00:58:42.000 You don't bother me, I don't bother you. 1.00

00:58:44.000 But they would occasionally jack someone's dog.

00:58:46.000 Yeah.

00:58:46.000 And when I lived there, this lady got her poodle, snapped right off of her chain.

00:58:50.000 She was walking it by the water, this old lady. 0.94

00:58:53.000 And this thing just came out.

00:58:55.000 God!

00:58:56.000 You see the video I posted on my Twitter today?

00:59:01.000 Some dude sent it to me and I retweeted it.

00:59:03.000 It's this guy's catfishing, and he's got these lines set out, and you have a bobber that's floating in the middle of the lake, a big heavy bobber, and when you catch a catfish, you just see the bobber moving around so you know you got one.

00:59:16.000 So he goes over to the bobber.

00:59:17.000 Check this out, Dom.

00:59:18.000 Look at it.

00:59:18.000 He pulls it up.

00:59:20.000 Give us some volume here, Jamie.

00:59:22.000 I think we got a garfish, dude.

00:59:26.000 Because he knew it was big.

00:59:27.000 He thought it was a gar.

00:59:28.000 Watch this.

00:59:30.000 Oh my god! 0.99

00:59:32.000 That's a big ass gator, buddy. 0.99

00:59:35.000 That is a big gator. 1.00

00:59:36.000 His legs are just like a little kid.

00:59:38.000 Oh, he's crying.

00:59:43.000 Yeah, of course the kid's crying.

00:59:45.000 Mom's got eaten by a dinosaur.

00:59:47.000 He's calling for mommy. 1.00

00:59:48.000 Alright, kill us out. 1.00

00:59:50.000 That's insane. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Whew. 1.00

00:59:53.000 Fuck all that. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Look at when it comes up. 1.00

00:59:55.000 Watch this.

00:59:56.000 Jesus Christ.

00:59:57.000 It's like a horror movie.

00:59:59.000 Seen that thing in that mouth come up?

01:00:01.000 I was in Costa Rica and I saw some crocodiles in the wild.

01:00:05.000 We went on this tour.

01:00:06.000 You get in a boat.

01:00:07.000 Ooh, Jesus.

01:00:08.000 You get in a boat and you see these crocodiles lounging themselves on the water, on the banks, on the water.

01:00:14.000 And then when you're passing by, they just run and slither into the water and go under the brown water and you can't find them. 0.99

01:00:20.000 You don't know where the fuck they are. 0.98

01:00:22.000 It is so eerie. 0.99

01:00:24.000 What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

01:00:25.000 Crocodiles are way more aggressive.

01:00:27.000 Oh, yeah?

01:00:27.000 Way more aggressive.

01:00:28.000 Yeah.

01:00:29.000 Those are smaller crocodiles because they're South American crocodiles.

01:00:32.000 They're not like Nile crocodiles.

01:00:34.000 If they were Nile crocodiles, you wouldn't even want to be in a boat.

01:00:36.000 You definitely wouldn't want to be in one of those boats.

01:00:38.000 They'll knock it over? 1.00

01:00:39.000 No, they'll fuck you up. 1.00

01:00:40.000 There was a... 0.99

01:00:41.000 I forget what Nature magazine, like National Geographic, or one of those...

01:00:47.000 Types magazines that had a story about these kayakers that were going down a river in the Congo.

01:00:55.000 I forget what river it was, but they were going down this river and this One guy was behind this other guy in a kayak and he watched the croc come up, snap a hold of its jaws, like snap its jaws down on the kayak and then pull it under like a bobber and flipped it over and he watched it.

01:01:15.000 Yeah, there it is.

01:01:18.000 Kayakers recount deadly Congo crocodile attack.

01:01:21.000 So he flipped over the kayak and then the kayaks bouncing up and down because the croc is pulling this guy's body out of the harness and pulling him into the water underneath it.

01:01:34.000 And this guy behind him is watching this and he's seeing the blood and the water and all the bubbles and this behemoth, this hundred-million-year-old behemoth that's clamped its gigantic teeth down on this guy's flesh and is tearing it apart right in front of you.

01:01:53.000 Wow.

01:01:53.000 See, Joe, that's what makes you so much more of a man than me.

01:01:57.000 You would even entertain the thought of going there.

01:02:01.000 I want to see it.

01:02:02.000 I want to see it before...

01:02:03.000 I want to see it just like from here.

01:02:05.000 I used to think that, too.

01:02:06.000 I used to think that, too, but lately I've wanted to see it, man.

01:02:09.000 You know, with all this talk of, like, they're killing rhinos and killing elephants, and there was this thing today where they're having to gun down these lions in Dimbabwe because they're not having hunters come there anymore. 0.88

01:02:20.000 Like, they don't have anybody to manage the population, and these lions are devastating their undulates, all the antelopes and all that shit, so...

01:02:27.000 These hunters are hiring these... 0.97

01:02:29.000 In Africa, they call them professional hunters.

01:02:32.000 They're like guides.

01:02:33.000 Just people that are hired by the government.

01:02:36.000 And they're going in there and they had to kill some lions.

01:02:38.000 They had to kill lions that were encroaching on people's property and killing livestock and threatening people.

01:02:43.000 It's just...

01:02:44.000 It's all weird, man.

01:02:45.000 Remember that discussion you had with Jen that night in the bar?

01:02:48.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:02:48.000 About killing deer and how you have to kill some or they'll all be dead? 0.94

01:02:52.000 Well, we talked about it here on the podcast yesterday.

01:02:55.000 My friend John Dudley was here, and we found a statistic that's unbelievably insane.

01:03:00.000 And that statistic is there's 1.5 million car accidents a year where people hit deer.

01:03:06.000 In America.

01:03:07.000 Wow.

01:03:08.000 Just in America.

01:03:09.000 We knew that it was 50,000 in Michigan.

01:03:11.000 We were like, how crazy is that? 0.99

01:03:12.000 But then we found out about the whole country and we were like, holy shit. 0.99

01:03:16.000 That's amazing. 0.97

01:03:16.000 And where my friend John lives, like him and his wife, when they have conversations on the phone, it's always, like, as they're talking about their drive home from work, it's always, yeah, we almost hit a deer. 0.97

01:03:25.000 I saw a deer.

01:03:26.000 We saw five deer.

01:03:27.000 What do you do?

01:03:28.000 Drive slow?

01:03:29.000 What's the answer?

01:03:30.000 You can.

01:03:31.000 They also have these little whistles.

01:03:35.000 We're good to go.

01:04:02.000 I mean, the deer will go into the gearing, into the engine bay and just destroy everything, tear out the radiator. 0.94

01:04:08.000 So they had to develop these gigantic, like, Mad Max-style bumpers that they put on the front of these semis just to protect the truck itself from fucking killing things. 0.96

01:04:20.000 Like deer. 0.98

01:04:22.000 Slamming into it.

01:04:23.000 A lot of people get killed too, right?

01:04:25.000 200 a year.

01:04:26.000 Look at this.

01:04:27.000 Look at this fucking picture. 0.99

01:04:29.000 We're looking at this picture of this guy's got this gigantic metal barrier in the front of his truck, and this deer just went into it, crushed it, and it spray-painted the side of the truck red all the way up to the windshield. 1.00

01:04:45.000 And the deer's like hanging.

01:04:47.000 From the front bumper. 1.00

01:04:48.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:04:49.000 Yeah, look at those things that they make. 1.00

01:04:51.000 Look at that one that you're hovering over.

01:04:52.000 Click on that.

01:04:53.000 Look at the size of that thing.

01:04:54.000 I mean, it's like you're driving around a non-aerodynamic battering ram just to protect your car from slamming into animals.

01:05:05.000 Look at that.

01:05:06.000 It's crazy.

01:05:07.000 Wow.

01:05:08.000 They do unbelievable damage when you're hitting a 150-pound animal and you're going 70 miles an hour.

01:05:15.000 Look at that one where the car's Got the deer hanging out of the front.

01:05:18.000 Yeah.

01:05:19.000 Like, it's inside the engine.

01:05:21.000 Jeez.

01:05:22.000 Yeah.

01:05:22.000 They just...

01:05:23.000 And that's if you're lucky.

01:05:25.000 If you're unlucky, they go inside your front windshield.

01:05:28.000 My friend Cam, he lives up in Oregon, and a guy in front of him, not in front of him, but a guy died because the man in front of him hit a deer.

01:05:37.000 The deer went flying over that person's hood and threw his windshield and killed him. 0.99

01:05:42.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:05:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:44.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:05:45.000 Just fucking blood and gore. 1.00

01:05:47.000 All right, Jamie, you're bumming me out, man. 1.00

01:05:49.000 It's a deer in the front seat.

01:05:51.000 Yeah, there's a lot of them.

01:05:52.000 She's, you know, she's a loving person.

01:05:55.000 That's why she has this distorted perception of it. 1.00

01:05:58.000 She's a loving person.

01:06:00.000 She doesn't want these animals to die.

01:06:02.000 I get it.

01:06:03.000 Nobody wants them to die.

01:06:04.000 That's the thing about this world that we live in.

01:06:07.000 It's very ambiguous in a lot of ways.

01:06:09.000 There's not a clear right and a wrong.

01:06:12.000 There's a lot of things that seem like they're wrong, but if you don't do them, everything's going to be way worse.

01:06:19.000 And one of those things is killing beautiful animals.

01:06:22.000 It seems like it's wrong to kill deer.

01:06:24.000 If you don't kill deer, it's way worse.

01:06:27.000 They're all dead. 1.00

01:06:28.000 They're fucked, and then we're fucked. 1.00

01:06:29.000 And there's going to be diseases, and there's going to be a lot of problems. 1.00

01:06:32.000 There's also going to be a lot of predators.

01:06:34.000 If you have a surplus of deer, nature finds a balance.

01:06:37.000 If you have a surplus of deer and there's any predators in the area, you're going to get a surplus of those predators.

01:06:42.000 Because those predators are going to have way more food.

01:06:44.000 They're going to thrive.

01:06:44.000 They're going to breed.

01:06:45.000 So then you're going to have to figure out how to manage not just the deer, But you're also going to have to manage the predator populations.

01:06:50.000 You're just going to have to.

01:06:51.000 And if you don't do it, you've got real problems.

01:06:54.000 Yeah, that's an 18-foot-long alligator they shot.

01:06:56.000 What?

01:06:57.000 Killing cattle?

01:06:58.000 Yeah, what?

01:06:59.000 This is in Florida?

01:07:00.000 Yeah.

01:07:01.000 What?

01:07:01.000 He was killing cows.

01:07:04.000 Jesus Christ.

01:07:06.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

01:07:07.000 So this is predator control. 1.00

01:07:08.000 And we don't have that much of a problem with this kind of predator control because it's a fucking heartless, cold-blooded monster. 1.00

01:07:15.000 By the way, we were so retarded. 0.99

01:07:17.000 We were trying to figure out what the difference between how can a Komodo dragon be the biggest lizard and a crocodile's not because it's bigger. 0.85

01:07:24.000 A crocodile's a reptile. 1.00

01:07:26.000 That's how stupid we are. 1.00

01:07:27.000 What is a lizard? 1.00

01:07:28.000 Is it not a reptile?

01:07:29.000 It's different.

01:07:30.000 There's lizards, there's reptiles.

01:07:32.000 Google it.

01:07:34.000 People are tweeting me, man.

01:07:36.000 That's the extent I researched it.

01:07:39.000 Yeah, reptiles, bro. 1.00

01:07:41.000 Get it together, bitch. 1.00

01:07:44.000 Lizards are a widespread group of squamate reptiles. 1.00

01:07:48.000 Right, but a crocodile is not a lizard.

01:07:50.000 It's a reptile.

01:07:50.000 Oh, it's a different kind of reptile.

01:07:51.000 Yes, exactly.

01:07:53.000 Sort of like we're apes, but we're not monkeys.

01:07:56.000 Or we're apes.

01:07:57.000 No, all monkeys are apes, but not all...

01:08:00.000 All apes are monkeys.

01:08:02.000 Yeah.

01:08:03.000 Yeah, all monkeys are apes, but not all apes are monkeys.

01:08:06.000 Is that right?

01:08:07.000 No.

01:08:08.000 All apes are monkeys, but not all monkeys are apes.

01:08:12.000 I think that's it.

01:08:13.000 Some of them are simians.

01:08:15.000 Like an ape is different, right?

01:08:17.000 Apes are chimps and gorillas and orangutans and us, right?

01:08:20.000 And baboons.

01:08:21.000 Is baboon an ape?

01:08:22.000 Like we're all mammals, but we're not all the same kind of mammal.

01:08:25.000 Exactly.

01:08:25.000 Fish or something.

01:08:26.000 I'll be seeing marsupials, which is a whole different world.

01:08:29.000 You'll be seeing the people with the pouches out here.

01:08:33.000 There was an article recently that this guy wrote saying that the word monkey isn't...

01:08:38.000 People criticize the word monkey.

01:08:40.000 They say it's not the correct word to use.

01:08:41.000 And he said that's not true.

01:08:43.000 Not only is it not true, all apes are monkeys, but not all monkeys are apes.

01:08:47.000 That was, I think, the title of this guy's paper.

01:08:49.000 It was really interesting.

01:08:52.000 Because I always thought that the word monkey was almost like a slang.

01:08:55.000 Apparently it's not.

01:08:56.000 No, they're different.

01:08:57.000 You can actually use that word.

01:08:59.000 Yeah, there's different species of monkeys as far as I know.

01:09:04.000 And you're a monkey.

01:09:05.000 How about that? 0.91

01:09:06.000 Hey. 1.00

01:09:08.000 Fuck you, Joe. 1.00

01:09:09.000 You bullshit. 1.00

01:09:10.000 I don't need this. 1.00

01:09:12.000 Hey, I'm over here in first class.

01:09:14.000 ABC paid for it.

01:09:17.000 I'll get you the cookie, Rich.

01:09:18.000 We were talking about our pal Steve Shariba before his podcast started, who was in The Sopranos.

01:09:23.000 He's awesome.

01:09:25.000 He's going to be in the podcast within like two weeks.

01:09:29.000 Yeah, well listen up for him. 0.99

01:09:30.000 He's a killer. 0.98

01:09:31.000 He's funny when he's trying to be funny. 0.99

01:09:33.000 He's funnier when he's serious.

01:09:34.000 Yeah, he was Bobby on The Sopranos, the big guy.

01:09:37.000 It was Bobby, right?

01:09:37.000 That was his character in The Sopranos?

01:09:39.000 I think so, yeah.

01:09:40.000 He was married to the lead sister.

01:09:44.000 Yes, Tony Soprano's sister.

01:09:47.000 Yeah.

01:09:48.000 Gandolfini.

01:09:48.000 Yeah.

01:09:49.000 Gandolfini comes up to me.

01:09:50.000 I was with Steve at the Hard Rock.

01:09:53.000 Comes up to me.

01:09:53.000 I think he had the wrong guy.

01:09:55.000 He goes, he kisses me.

01:09:57.000 He kisses me on the cheek, kisses me on the other cheek.

01:09:59.000 He says, man, I saw you on Broadway. 0.96

01:10:00.000 I fucking loved you. 1.00

01:10:01.000 Thinking, what the fuck Broadway did I ever do? 1.00

01:10:04.000 Were you on Broadway ever just hanging out? 0.97

01:10:06.000 Well, I mean...

01:10:07.000 Cruising for guys.

01:10:09.000 The way you looked.

01:10:10.000 I saw the clothes.

01:10:11.000 I think, unless I was at Caroline's...

01:10:13.000 I like the cut of your jib.

01:10:15.000 Well, it was Caroline's on Broadway.

01:10:17.000 It's probably where he saw you.

01:10:18.000 People don't usually call that Broadway.

01:10:20.000 The non-comic group.

01:10:22.000 They don't know the lineage.

01:10:24.000 They don't know the verbiage.

01:10:25.000 They don't.

01:10:25.000 They don't know our vernacular, Dominic.

01:10:28.000 Do you go into New York at all?

01:10:29.000 You do theaters there, right?

01:10:30.000 Yeah.

01:10:32.000 Next time I go, I want to do a club, though, I think.

01:10:34.000 I love the Beacon Theater.

01:10:35.000 I had a great time there last time.

01:10:37.000 I love Governors.

01:10:39.000 Governors is great.

01:10:40.000 Governors and the brokerage.

01:10:41.000 But I want to do Gotham.

01:10:43.000 I haven't done Gotham in forever.

01:10:45.000 Yeah, I did a TV show there last year, but I haven't done stand-up there for a while. 0.98

01:10:47.000 What a fucking great club. 0.93

01:10:49.000 I heard the stand's great, too, now. 1.00

01:10:50.000 I didn't know that one.

01:10:52.000 Yeah, I heard it's great.

01:10:53.000 But my problem is I always go in there for UFC and comedy.

01:10:56.000 Like, I don't have enough time to hang around.

01:10:58.000 That's a good problem, Joe.

01:10:59.000 It's not a bad problem.

01:11:00.000 But I don't have enough time to hang around.

01:11:03.000 There's an interesting scene in New York.

01:11:06.000 There's a bunch of different factions in the scene.

01:11:08.000 There's even a weird alt scene in Brooklyn.

01:11:11.000 Yeah, they had to branch out.

01:11:13.000 A lot of weirdness, but interesting.

01:11:15.000 It's like there's a lot of bubbling creativity and people trying to find their niche right now.

01:11:19.000 There's all these different people kind of scrambling to find...

01:11:22.000 They're niche in the world of comedy.

01:11:24.000 And when you look at the different communities that develop in different parts of the country, it's interesting to see the different styles, you know?

01:11:31.000 Do people ask...

01:11:32.000 Young comics ask you, like, how you made it?

01:11:34.000 No.

01:11:36.000 That's so open-ended.

01:11:38.000 Yeah, but I always get asked, how do you get certain things?

01:11:42.000 You know, like the thing...

01:11:43.000 I've lost my patience with some people looking for an easy way out.

01:11:49.000 I go, you know, you get it because people ask for you. 1.00

01:11:53.000 They always think this club owner hates them or this shit. 1.00

01:11:56.000 I say, he doesn't fucking hate you. 1.00

01:11:57.000 He's trying to pay his bills. 0.99

01:11:59.000 He doesn't even think about you.

01:12:00.000 Well, there's some legitimate questions that young comics ask.

01:12:04.000 Like, how does one go about getting a manager?

01:12:06.000 How do you get an agent?

01:12:08.000 All that kind of stuff.

01:12:09.000 That's good.

01:12:09.000 And it's good for us to give advice to young comics saying, do not get a manager because it's the first manager that asks you.

01:12:17.000 Because there's a lot of people that are going to be the first manager that asks you to manage them and they might not be right for you.

01:12:22.000 That's why you look at a lot of guys like Chappelle or, you know, a lot of these guys that have left their management.

01:12:27.000 Like, they started with one guy, and they didn't want to be with him anymore, and they left, and they left, like, maybe again, maybe again.

01:12:33.000 You know, I know quite a few guys.

01:12:35.000 Was that Chappelle's old manager we saw last week at the improv?

01:12:38.000 Yes.

01:12:38.000 Oh, that was funny.

01:12:39.000 Yeah.

01:12:40.000 There's a few of those... 0.97

01:12:42.000 That was a fucking hilarious moment of tension. 0.92

01:12:45.000 You and Tosh and I were standing there, and he just said hi to me, kind of dipped in. 0.91

01:12:51.000 Well, he knows we don't like him.

01:12:52.000 Yeah.

01:12:53.000 Not that I hate them.

01:12:56.000 There's only so much Hollywood a man can take.

01:12:59.000 Right.

01:13:00.000 He's just screaming out in agony what you have imposed upon us.

01:13:05.000 Stop.

01:13:07.000 There's a few of those guys. 1.00

01:13:08.000 It was a funny fucking moment frozen in time. 0.99

01:13:10.000 I'll never forget the look. 0.99

01:13:12.000 Dipping in.

01:13:13.000 There's a bunch of those guys, man, that really shouldn't be involved in management.

01:13:17.000 You know, I had a...

01:13:18.000 Okay, Kevin James.

01:13:20.000 Kevin James is a good friend. 0.98

01:13:21.000 And one of his earlier managers was giving him fucking terrible advice, including wanting him to stay fat. 0.97

01:13:28.000 Kevin was trying to be healthy and was trying to lose some weight. 0.98

01:13:30.000 And the guy literally said to him, Kevin, if you lose weight, you're going to lose roles.

01:13:35.000 You're not going to get cast. 0.96

01:13:37.000 You're the lovable fat guy. 0.72

01:13:38.000 It's paying off. 0.93

01:13:39.000 Stick with it.

01:13:40.000 But that was his real statement.

01:13:42.000 If you lose weight, you lose roles.

01:13:44.000 And Kevin came back to talk to me about it, and he was just really beaten up by it. 0.99

01:13:48.000 He was like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:13:50.000 Because that's not what Kevin wanted to hear. 0.99

01:13:52.000 Kevin is a guy that works hard, and he's very smart, but... 0.97

01:13:57.000 If you tell him that the sky is falling, he'll be like, holy shit, are you sure the sky is falling? 1.00

01:14:03.000 Fuck, the sky is falling. 1.00

01:14:05.000 He needs encouragement. 1.00

01:14:07.000 He's really funny when he's around his friends.

01:14:09.000 We were talking about Joey being surrounded by people who love him.

01:14:12.000 Kevin operates kind of in the same way.

01:14:13.000 I agree.

01:14:14.000 We had a great dinner one night.

01:14:16.000 Remember when I came to see you over at the Palm?

01:14:18.000 Yeah.

01:14:19.000 It was fun to see him relaxed and loose.

01:14:21.000 Well, he knows I love him.

01:14:23.000 That's why it was fun doing those movies with him.

01:14:26.000 But Kevin, when you're supporting him and when he's around people that support him, he can be himself and he can cut loose.

01:14:32.000 Well, you got someone telling you, hey, man, don't get healthy.

01:14:35.000 Because if you get healthy, you won't be successful.

01:14:37.000 You have to choose one or the other.

01:14:39.000 And I go, dude, that's crazy.

01:14:41.000 Think about how many people that are funny that aren't fat are telling me that it's impossible for you to be.

01:14:45.000 You're hilarious.

01:14:46.000 His whole act wasn't predicated on fat.

01:14:50.000 Not at all.

01:14:50.000 But he felt, in some weird way, That people loved him because he was a big jolly guy.

01:14:56.000 You know?

01:14:57.000 No, he's talented. 1.00

01:14:58.000 He's fucking talented as hell. 0.99

01:14:59.000 And so it angered me. 0.99

01:15:01.000 It angered me that someone would try to limit him in that way.

01:15:04.000 That someone would try to put him in the...

01:15:06.000 But that's the problem with having a bad manager when you're a young guy.

01:15:10.000 When everything is just starting out...

01:15:12.000 And you know, you're in your 20s, and you're all vulnerable, and you only started out just a few years ago, and you're still getting your feet wet.

01:15:18.000 You're trying to figure out how to do this thing.

01:15:20.000 You know, should I go like this?

01:15:21.000 Should I go like that?

01:15:22.000 And you know, Kevin would do this thing, what he calls going full shimmy. 0.60

01:15:26.000 And Full Shimmy was and he fucking freaked out about something because Shimmy was his nickname.

01:15:30.000 We always call him Shimmy. 0.94

01:15:31.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

01:15:31.000 Yeah.

01:15:32.000 Yeah.

01:15:33.000 And Full Shimmy would be when he would just go ballistic.

01:15:37.000 And like he would be like one time we were hanging out together and I went with him.

01:15:43.000 He had a gig and I just went with him to watch just to laugh, just to sit down and laugh.

01:15:47.000 And because I was there, he was like having a great time.

01:15:51.000 He'd hear me laugh.

01:15:52.000 Showing off for you.

01:15:53.000 He said he got into it because I swear to God, people don't know how good Kevin James was at one point in his career.

01:16:02.000 I mean, I'm assuming he's just as good now, but I haven't seen him do stand-up in a long time.

01:16:05.000 Yeah, I haven't either.

01:16:06.000 He was going off, and his face was red, and he was spitting, and he was just going off about something, and that was what we would call going full shimmy.

01:16:18.000 You're not going to do that if you're worried about people not liking you if you lose.

01:16:22.000 You've got to be free to go off.

01:16:25.000 You know?

01:16:25.000 It's like we're a guy like Joey.

01:16:26.000 You gotta be free to be able to just cut loose. 0.99

01:16:30.000 And those bad managers are fucking terrible for that. 0.99

01:16:32.000 Because they've never done stand-up. 1.00

01:16:34.000 They don't know what it takes.

01:16:35.000 They haven't grasped the concept that each individual has to find their own path. 0.98

01:16:40.000 All they're thinking about is how to mold someone into some bullshit persona for a marketing point of view. 0.98

01:16:47.000 You know? 0.99

01:16:48.000 For marketing purposes.

01:16:49.000 That's what they're thinking about.

01:16:50.000 How can I sell this guy?

01:16:51.000 I think the path thing is really what I'd like to say.

01:16:55.000 Take your own path.

01:16:57.000 Some people make it in two years.

01:16:58.000 Some people make it in 10, 15. Like we're talking about Joey Diaz.

01:17:01.000 I got one Sharippa story to tell you about.

01:17:06.000 You know my name and your manager on the air, do you?

01:17:09.000 Mine?

01:17:10.000 Well, I don't know if he wants that.

01:17:11.000 Okay, so it was him.

01:17:13.000 It's easy to find.

01:17:13.000 It was him.

01:17:14.000 And he said, we always have Sherpa stories.

01:17:17.000 So he says, I told Sherpa, I said, we're going to Lake Mead on Saturday.

01:17:20.000 You want to go?

01:17:21.000 And Steve goes, no, I can't, but I can comp you a boat.

01:17:24.000 Yeah, I remember that.

01:17:25.000 Can I tell you this? 0.87

01:17:26.000 And your manager says to me, who the fuck else can comp you a boat but Sherpa? 0.95

01:17:31.000 He was so connected to Vegas. 0.97

01:17:34.000 Syrup is the best.

01:17:35.000 She's such a character.

01:17:37.000 As is my manager.

01:17:38.000 Yeah, he's funny. 0.99

01:17:39.000 Jeff's a goddamn character, too. 0.99

01:17:41.000 You know who he's really into now? 1.00

01:17:43.000 He goes striper fishing.

01:17:45.000 Really?

01:17:45.000 Surf casting.

01:17:46.000 Loves it.

01:17:47.000 It's when you stand in the water?

01:17:48.000 Yeah, you can stand in the water with waders.

01:17:50.000 You can just stand on the beach itself and cast into the water.

01:17:53.000 Oh, this is the ocean. 1.00

01:17:54.000 Yeah, he catches these giant-ass fucking striped bass. 1.00

01:17:57.000 God, there's a wild world just outside New York. 0.99

01:18:00.000 And a lot of people don't know about it.

01:18:02.000 Like, if you go to certain parts of Long Island, you go surf casting.

01:18:04.000 Oh, it's beautiful, yeah.

01:18:05.000 Oh, my God.

01:18:06.000 But it's incredible.

01:18:07.000 He took me once.

01:18:08.000 We weren't successful.

01:18:10.000 But I got it just being there with him.

01:18:12.000 I got what he likes about it.

01:18:13.000 Like, there's a whole process to it.

01:18:15.000 You take some air out of your tires.

01:18:17.000 Yeah.

01:18:28.000 Yeah.

01:18:29.000 Yeah.

01:18:37.000 Yeah.

01:18:37.000 You don't catch them that often, but sometimes you run into a whole school of them and everybody catches them.

01:18:42.000 Those are like these magical times.

01:18:44.000 It's an interesting...

01:18:45.000 In a lot of ways, fishing is like an interesting discipline, you know, and Jeff's kind of found it.

01:18:50.000 I don't have the patience for it.

01:18:51.000 No?

01:18:51.000 You're too ADD. Yeah.

01:18:54.000 Well, you play pool, though.

01:18:56.000 I love pool.

01:18:58.000 Yeah.

01:18:58.000 But you have patience for that.

01:19:00.000 Yeah, well, I guess I have patience for the things I love.

01:19:04.000 Fishing, to me, I can't imagine.

01:19:05.000 Have you ever caught a fish and then cooked it and ate it?

01:19:07.000 No.

01:19:08.000 How dare you?

01:19:10.000 Who are you?

01:19:11.000 How'd you get in here?

01:19:11.000 I'm a pescatarian.

01:19:13.000 I always love these people that say, you know, they don't eat meat, but they eat fish.

01:19:19.000 Like, as if that's humane.

01:19:21.000 How do you know fish don't have feelings?

01:19:22.000 Well, they don't take care of their children. 1.00

01:19:25.000 What, fish? 1.00

01:19:26.000 Yeah, they shit out some eggs and the male comes over and cums on them like a freak. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Joe. 1.00

01:19:30.000 That's what happens. 1.00

01:19:31.000 That's very rude.

01:19:32.000 That's how they do it.

01:19:34.000 Can we talk about this later?

01:19:35.000 I saw a guy on Instagram bragging about how he's 90% vegetarian.

01:19:40.000 Nice. 0.99

01:19:43.000 He was talking shit about people who eat meat, and hunters in particular. 1.00

01:19:47.000 He's talking shit about hunting. 1.00

01:19:48.000 And he's saying, look, I get it. 1.00

01:19:49.000 I'm 90% vegetarian.

01:19:51.000 But, you know, what you people are doing is awful. 1.00

01:19:53.000 Like, fuck you! 1.00

01:19:55.000 It's only bacon because it's delicious. 1.00

01:19:56.000 But how funny is that?

01:19:57.000 Where someone can pretend.

01:19:59.000 What's the 10% that he... 1.00

01:19:59.000 Fucking bacon! 1.00

01:20:01.000 Ham sandwiches, cheeseburgers. 1.00

01:20:02.000 Every now and then he goes off.

01:20:04.000 So he's trying to say that he's got some moral right to complain about someone who hunts because he's 90% vegetarian.

01:20:11.000 And that's not vegan either, by the way, which means milk, animal products, eggs.

01:20:14.000 That's a tough one. 1.00

01:20:15.000 Ridiculous fuck. 1.00

01:20:17.000 Ridiculous dummy. 1.00

01:20:18.000 But that, like, taking the moral high ground from saying, I kill less animals per year than most. 0.99

01:20:25.000 Okay, man?

01:20:25.000 Most of the time, not killing anything.

01:20:29.000 People are so goofy. 0.95

01:20:31.000 90% vegetarian. 0.99

01:20:32.000 The fact that you would write that down and go, yeah, send.

01:20:35.000 That's it.

01:20:36.000 Post it. 1.00

01:20:37.000 I'm going to let this motherfucker know. 1.00

01:20:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:41.000 I've never heard that. 0.99

01:20:42.000 That's the most ridiculous one I've ever heard. 0.98

01:20:43.000 I've heard a lot of rationalizations, but that's... 1.00

01:20:46.000 There's so many dummies out there. 0.97

01:20:49.000 I think that if you did go catch a fish once and then cook it and ate it, you would get it. 0.84

01:20:54.000 You definitely get it a little bit.

01:20:56.000 It's fun.

01:20:57.000 It's fun to catch them and then they taste so good. 0.99

01:21:00.000 If you can catch a fish and then have it cooked or you cook it within a few hours of pulling it out of the ocean, holy shit. 0.98

01:21:07.000 It's like a different thing. 0.97

01:21:09.000 Something happens to fish when it sits around for too long.

01:21:12.000 Even when it's frozen and thawed out, it just doesn't retain the same quality that it has when you pull it right out of the water.

01:21:18.000 Yeah, that's pretty cool.

01:21:19.000 I was in Honolulu and they had a place where you cook your own fish.

01:21:23.000 Oh yeah?

01:21:23.000 I didn't want to cook my own fish.

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:25.000 I said, what are you going to wash my own dishes, too?

01:21:28.000 What kind of restaurant is this?

01:21:29.000 Well, you don't, like, go to those grill places where you lay the meat out.

01:21:33.000 They have, like, a Japanese place near me that has, like, these little grills in front of you.

01:21:37.000 Oh, the hibachi? 0.86

01:21:37.000 Yeah, something like that. 0.86

01:21:38.000 And you lay the meat out, and you cook it right in front of you. 1.00

01:21:41.000 Have you seen that shit? 1.00

01:21:42.000 Korean barbecue, I think. 1.00

01:21:43.000 I've seen Korean barbecue, but I've also seen a Japanese one.

01:21:46.000 You know, they probably ripped it off in the Koreans. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Let's be honest.

01:21:50.000 Is it good?

01:21:50.000 You like it though?

01:21:51.000 Is it good?

01:21:52.000 Yeah, it's fun.

01:21:52.000 Start a controversy over there.

01:21:54.000 But you cook it yourself.

01:21:55.000 It's kind of weird.

01:21:55.000 You're cooking.

01:21:56.000 What do you do?

01:21:57.000 You provide me a plate of meat?

01:21:59.000 There's a couple of actual grill...

01:22:00.000 I don't know exactly where they are, but I've seen them on TV probably because there's only one or two.

01:22:04.000 But you go pick up your meat like a butcher.

01:22:07.000 Like the front of the store is a butcher type place and the back is a bunch of grills and you hang out with your friends and grill your own steaks.

01:22:12.000 Wow.

01:22:13.000 At the restaurant, then just sit down at a picnic table.

01:22:15.000 I don't want to do that.

01:22:16.000 If you know what you're doing, though, it's fun.

01:22:17.000 And then you don't have to do any of the cleanup.

01:22:19.000 If they do it the right way.

01:22:21.000 If they have really good grills, they use mesquite lump charcoal, and they set the coals up nice, that'd be pretty cool.

01:22:29.000 I use Y-Cook and Yummy.

01:22:32.000 Y-Cook?

01:22:33.000 Yeah, Y-Cook. 0.87

01:22:34.000 Y-Cook is like a thing. 0.96

01:22:35.000 A friend of mine owns it, and it's like high-end restaurants that deliver.

01:22:39.000 Uh-huh.

01:22:40.000 Oh, that's great.

01:22:41.000 A friend of mine, he's a triathlete, right?

01:22:45.000 And he's probably going to make the Olympics.

01:22:47.000 He was staying over at my house, and I said, you want to go shopping?

01:22:51.000 And I hand him the Yummy thing.

01:22:53.000 I said, what do you mean?

01:22:54.000 I said, we're not going anywhere. 1.00

01:22:55.000 You just fucking call for the food. 1.00

01:22:57.000 You don't go to restaurants? 1.00

01:22:58.000 Oh, I go to restaurants, yeah.

01:22:59.000 But you'd rather just have it delivered?

01:23:01.000 No, just from watching a game or something.

01:23:03.000 Oh, okay.

01:23:04.000 So do you cook ever?

01:23:05.000 Never.

01:23:06.000 I reheat.

01:23:07.000 So you have like a whole stove that just sits there.

01:23:11.000 The only time that my stove is used is to heat up water for tea.

01:23:16.000 Hmm.

01:23:17.000 That's interesting.

01:23:18.000 You've never sat down and cooked a steak and made some mashed potatoes or anything?

01:23:23.000 I used to cook what I call chicken irera, which was two lumps of margarine and black pepper on chicken at 325 for an hour.

01:23:34.000 Jesus.

01:23:34.000 The only thing I ever cooked.

01:23:35.000 How bad was it?

01:23:36.000 I don't know.

01:23:37.000 I was starving, so it tasted pretty good.

01:23:40.000 This is when I was really broke, doing my little Joey Bag of Donuts act.

01:23:46.000 So you never got into cooking yourself a meal?

01:23:49.000 That's interesting.

01:23:50.000 I'm a big fan of cooking.

01:23:52.000 Are you?

01:23:53.000 Yeah, I love it.

01:23:54.000 That's good.

01:23:54.000 It keeps your head straight.

01:23:56.000 Well, it's also satisfying.

01:24:00.000 You make a nice meal and you sit down and eat it.

01:24:02.000 I like it.

01:24:03.000 Plus, I like controlling what goes in my body 100%.

01:24:06.000 I'm on this wacky, very low-carb, low-sugar intake diet.

01:24:12.000 No processed sugar, no added sugar. 0.99

01:24:14.000 I don't eat any candy or soda, no ice cream, no bullshit. 0.78

01:24:17.000 And on this diet, I kind of have to make sure that I control, like even salad dressings. 0.95

01:24:23.000 Like you would think you go to a nice restaurant, you order a salad, and then you're eating it.

01:24:27.000 You go, okay, this is filled with sugar.

01:24:29.000 I could taste this dressing filled with sugar.

01:24:31.000 Well, they don't care.

01:24:32.000 They want it to be delicious.

01:24:33.000 They don't care about the health.

01:24:34.000 Well, they also don't have to put, like, the ingredients...

01:24:37.000 In the menu.

01:24:38.000 Right.

01:24:38.000 Like when you see the menu and it says like balsamic vinaigrette, it doesn't say what's in that balsamic vinaigrette.

01:24:44.000 It might be just chock full of fucking sugar. 0.95

01:24:46.000 Some of those steaks, I don't know if it's Roost Chris or one of those, I don't want to nail any particular steakhouse, but they broil them in butter. 0.99

01:24:54.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:24:54.000 Like it ain't fucking fat enough to eat a steak in butter. 0.98

01:24:58.000 It's all good for you though. 0.99

01:25:00.000 Well, it's delicious.

01:25:01.000 It's good for you.

01:25:02.000 It's good for you. 1.00

01:25:03.000 It's not good for you if you're fucking having a heart problem. 1.00

01:25:05.000 Eh, you got a problem already. 1.00

01:25:07.000 It's not the stakes, Paul.

01:25:09.000 You're right, Joe.

01:25:10.000 You've converted me.

01:25:11.000 It's not.

01:25:12.000 Dietary cholesterol barely moves the needle on blood lipids.

01:25:16.000 There's all sorts of problems that lead to people having high cholesterol, sedentary lifestyle.

01:25:21.000 There's a lot of genetic problems.

01:25:23.000 But they're finding now that saturated fats and all these things they were blaming on issues with people, that's not necessarily what the problem is.

01:25:30.000 What's the problem?

01:25:30.000 There's a host of problems.

01:25:31.000 Not exercising?

01:25:32.000 It's a big problem.

01:25:33.000 It's a big problem.

01:25:34.000 Huge problem with people.

01:25:35.000 The overconsumption of certain types of foods, sedentary lifestyles. 0.99

01:25:39.000 Even sitting in a chair all day is a fucking terrible part. 0.95

01:25:41.000 See, I got inspired today because of how bad I was playing pool. 0.98

01:25:46.000 Now I'm going to get back on the table.

01:25:47.000 You're going to get back on the table.

01:25:48.000 You have a table in your apartment?

01:25:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:51.000 What the fuck, Dom? 1.00

01:25:53.000 I mean, how lazy do you have to be not to walk? 1.00

01:25:56.000 I mean, I got a treadmill.

01:25:57.000 I got a bike. 1.00

01:25:59.000 I did the treadmill today for 20 minutes like it's a big deal, but it's better than nothing sitting there like a big fucking bloke with big tits. 1.00

01:26:05.000 The treadmill's great for 20 minutes. 1.00

01:26:07.000 That's good.

01:26:08.000 If you can do 20 minutes every day, just force yourself to do only 20 minutes every day.

01:26:12.000 Put a television show on.

01:26:13.000 That's what I do.

01:26:14.000 I watch the news.

01:26:15.000 It's great.

01:26:16.000 Watch CNN or ESPN. It's great.

01:26:19.000 Did you ever see how Steve Harvey does his morning show? 0.99

01:26:22.000 Steve Harvey does a fucking morning show sometimes on an elliptical machine. 0.99

01:26:25.000 Really? 1.00

01:26:26.000 He's taking phone calls on a goddamn elliptical machine. 1.00

01:26:29.000 This is a radio show? 1.00

01:26:30.000 Yeah.

01:26:31.000 Steve Harvey in the morning.

01:26:32.000 It's hilarious.

01:26:34.000 Grind and hustle.

01:26:36.000 Grind and hustle.

01:26:37.000 That's what he says.

01:26:38.000 He works a lot.

01:26:39.000 Keep your head down.

01:26:40.000 Grind and hustle.

01:26:42.000 Yeah, he works a lot, man.

01:26:43.000 It does pay.

01:26:44.000 It does pay.

01:26:44.000 The guy works hard.

01:26:45.000 You can't say anything other than that.

01:26:48.000 When you're talking about the guy's work ethic, Steve Harvey's constantly doing something.

01:26:52.000 I don't know many people with your energy.

01:26:54.000 I'm doing a bunch of fun.

01:26:56.000 Enjoying things.

01:26:57.000 Enjoyable things.

01:27:00.000 Annoying.

01:27:00.000 That sounded like it was a Freudian slip.

01:27:02.000 But it's not.

01:27:03.000 They're all enjoyable, you know?

01:27:04.000 Podcasts are enjoyable.

01:27:06.000 UFC's enjoyable.

01:27:07.000 This is enjoyable.

01:27:08.000 It's fun to watch you do stand-up now because you really have fun now.

01:27:14.000 You know, like the difference between you, when I first met you, all of us hopefully evolve and hopefully for the better.

01:27:20.000 But I see you have that smirk on your face.

01:27:24.000 I know that you're enjoying it.

01:27:26.000 It's fun.

01:27:27.000 You know?

01:27:28.000 It's fun.

01:27:29.000 I've been...

01:27:30.000 I've been enjoying being at the store.

01:27:32.000 That's a big part of it.

01:27:33.000 I've been enjoying that.

01:27:34.000 Isn't it funny how your friends can inspire...

01:27:36.000 Like, Jim Carrey was in one night.

01:27:38.000 And I don't know if I told you this.

01:27:40.000 I ended up getting, like, a little part in his pilot.

01:27:42.000 Playing the lounge comedian.

01:27:44.000 Is this thing going on?

01:27:46.000 When is that thing going to show?

01:27:47.000 There was a lot of hype behind that.

01:27:47.000 I don't think it's going to show up for a while.

01:27:49.000 I think they're casting it still.

01:27:50.000 And I think they're going to start shooting until July.

01:27:53.000 Oh, they haven't started shooting yet?

01:27:54.000 But isn't this funny how the little kid...

01:27:56.000 No, the little kid in you always comes out like...

01:27:59.000 When I saw you and Maren in the back, I really wanted to have a good set for the fun of showing off in front of my friends.

01:28:07.000 Jim was there.

01:28:08.000 I hadn't seen him actually since Rodney died.

01:28:11.000 And Jim, you know, I knew him from the comedy store.

01:28:13.000 And I showed off for him.

01:28:15.000 Do you know what I mean? 0.99

01:28:16.000 I'm not above admitting that I was fucking showing off. 0.98

01:28:19.000 Well, it's inspiring. 0.99

01:28:20.000 I mean, you can call it showing off, but you want to put on a show for him.

01:28:23.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

01:28:24.000 That's one of the cool things about that place is it's a very high level.

01:28:27.000 Oh, man.

01:28:28.000 Go there any night.

01:28:29.000 You're going to see Sebastian.

01:28:30.000 You'll see Burr.

01:28:31.000 You'll see you.

01:28:32.000 Tom Segura's in there now. 0.97

01:28:34.000 His wife is goddamn hilarious, too. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Jesus Christ, she's good. 0.98

01:28:38.000 Yeah, you told me that.

01:28:39.000 Oh, that's Christina.

01:28:40.000 That's his wife. 0.99

01:28:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:41.000 Yeah, I was there watching her that night before I went on.

01:28:44.000 Oh, that's right.

01:28:44.000 You went on right after her.

01:28:45.000 Yeah.

01:28:45.000 You're making fun of that bit.

01:28:47.000 How funny is she?

01:28:48.000 She's very funny. 0.99

01:28:49.000 She's a monster, man. 1.00

01:28:50.000 Their fucking podcast is hilarious, too. 1.00

01:28:52.000 You ever heard their podcast? 0.99

01:28:53.000 No.

01:28:53.000 It's called Your Mom's House.

01:28:55.000 It's really funny, man. 0.99

01:28:56.000 They're really silly. 0.96

01:28:57.000 They're really fun together. 0.99

01:28:59.000 It's like...

01:29:00.000 It's a great show.

01:29:01.000 And they're doing it real smart, too.

01:29:03.000 I was talking to him about it.

01:29:03.000 We're talking about how many they do a week.

01:29:06.000 And he's like, we'd like to do one a week because that way we do a lot of living in between shows.

01:29:12.000 And it's paying off.

01:29:14.000 They do live shows.

01:29:15.000 They do live podcasts on the road.

01:29:17.000 Didn't he work with you sometime?

01:29:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:20.000 Yeah.

01:29:20.000 I met Tom when we were doing the Maxim Real Men of Comedy tour, me, Charlie Murphy, and John Heffron.

01:29:28.000 And what we did was we went across the country and they would use a local act to warm the show up.

01:29:33.000 That would be like the first guy.

01:29:34.000 So the first guy would do like, I don't know, 10 or 15 or something like that.

01:29:37.000 And that would be the local guy.

01:29:39.000 And in some places, they didn't use local guys.

01:29:42.000 They just used guys that somebody liked or somebody thought was good.

01:29:45.000 They just cast somebody, you know?

01:29:47.000 I don't remember who the booking agent was that put the tour together, but they did this.

01:29:51.000 And there were, you know, some good guys, some funny guys.

01:29:53.000 And then there was Segura.

01:29:54.000 We were in Phoenix.

01:29:57.000 We did that theater in the round, the Hollywood theater.

01:30:00.000 And Segura went out and just killed.

01:30:03.000 And I was crying laughing. 1.00

01:30:05.000 And he's just ridiculous. 0.99

01:30:07.000 And his jokes are absurd. 0.99

01:30:12.000 He's so good.

01:30:13.000 He was so good then.

01:30:14.000 And then we became friends and I started taking him on the road.

01:30:18.000 Is there anybody at any time in your career that you didn't want to follow?

01:30:24.000 Yeah, when I was young, for sure, because I didn't understand.

01:30:28.000 I would think that them doing well meant that I wouldn't do well.

01:30:32.000 But all that means is that you need to get better.

01:30:34.000 You need to work on your act.

01:30:36.000 Everyone wants to protect the state that they're in right now.

01:30:41.000 If you're in a state that the audience doesn't think is funny, you've got to figure out a way out of that.

01:30:47.000 You've got to figure out a way out of that with more material, or there's got to be a way.

01:30:52.000 And you might not find that way tonight, but that's a lesson.

01:30:55.000 And you've got to take that lesson, and you've got to figure out what went wrong.

01:30:58.000 Well, one of the things that goes wrong a lot of times, you see someone kill and you get nervous. 0.99

01:31:02.000 Like, shit, I gotta follow that. 0.98

01:31:04.000 You don't instead think, this is awesome, I'm laughing, I'm having fun, the audience is having fun too. 1.00

01:31:09.000 Isn't comedy great?

01:31:10.000 You know?

01:31:11.000 That's why I take Joey on the road with me.

01:31:13.000 Like, I'm doing, like, the Arlington Theater was Tony Hinchcliffe crushed for like 25 minutes, then Joey crushed for like 25 minutes.

01:31:22.000 Whatever he did.

01:31:24.000 I don't know how many minutes ago.

01:31:25.000 That's great that you can enjoy it and still go on.

01:31:28.000 Well, you can too, you know?

01:31:30.000 You've always been great, Dom.

01:31:32.000 You know, when we first met, and I was young, and we were in Montreal together, and then we met at Amsterdam.

01:31:38.000 I played some pool together.

01:31:40.000 You were always, from the time I was like, you know, basically just kind of starting out, you've always been like encouraging and cool and fun to hang out with.

01:31:50.000 And you've always been like a real comics comic.

01:31:53.000 And there's not a lot of guys, unfortunately, that maintain that sort of camaraderie and friendship with the other people involved in their profession, you know?

01:32:05.000 Mm-hmm.

01:32:06.000 Well, I appreciate you saying that.

01:32:07.000 I mean, I get it back, though.

01:32:08.000 You know, it's like, I told you Chris DeLeo said one night, he goes, you know what's interesting about you?

01:32:13.000 He goes, I never think of you as older than us.

01:32:15.000 I think of you as one of us.

01:32:17.000 I go, that's all I want.

01:32:18.000 I just want to be judged on my performance, not that I'm older.

01:32:22.000 Well, you never stopped growing, either.

01:32:25.000 You never stopped working, and you never stopped growing, and you never stopped constantly evolving your act.

01:32:31.000 And you're just as sharp as you've always been, if not sharper.

01:32:34.000 And because of that, you're always going to be one of us.

01:32:38.000 For us, all of us, I think, even for you and I, in the early days, there was those guys that came around that the puzzle was too difficult for them to solve for whatever reason, and they never got there.

01:32:50.000 They never got there, and then they were stuck.

01:32:52.000 And they would do these sets at the store, and they would do the same material, and you knew the jokes, you knew the punchline, because they had been doing them for 15 years.

01:33:00.000 And we all knew those guys.

01:33:02.000 Those were the old guys. 0.91

01:33:03.000 Well, it's unfortunate, but those are the old guys. 1.00

01:33:06.000 It's not being old.

01:33:08.000 It's not chronological, it's in more of a state, yeah.

01:33:11.000 Well, it's just they're stagnant.

01:33:12.000 They're stagnant.

01:33:13.000 Whereas a guy like Carlin, to the very end, was writing new material.

01:33:18.000 This guy, he died in a hotel.

01:33:20.000 He was, to the very end, was writing and creating and putting out a new hour every year.

01:33:25.000 He just kept doing it.

01:33:26.000 I mean, it doesn't happen, and respected to the end, right?

01:33:31.000 Absolutely.

01:33:32.000 Revered to the end.

01:33:33.000 People would go see him, loving it to the end.

01:33:34.000 You know who was amazing in that regard was Rodney Dangerfield because he did joke jokes that we would really consider corny.

01:33:42.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:33:43.000 His fucking character was so overwhelmingly hilarious and brilliant that we all loved him. 0.99

01:33:48.000 We all laughed at him. 0.99

01:33:48.000 We respected him and he never stopped writing. 0.99

01:33:51.000 No.

01:33:52.000 No, Rodney also was another supporter of comedians.

01:33:55.000 Like Rodney Dangerfield's specials, the young comedian special that you were on, that Dice was on, that Hicks was on, that Kinison was on.

01:34:04.000 Schimmel.

01:34:05.000 Schimmel.

01:34:05.000 Lenny Clark.

01:34:06.000 Lenny Clark, Carol Leafer, Barry Sobel.

01:34:09.000 Yep.

01:34:09.000 He let the world know about some of the best talent of your era.

01:34:17.000 Did I ever tell you about the night I auditioned for him?

01:34:19.000 No.

01:34:20.000 It was at the Comedy Store.

01:34:21.000 It was supposed to do 10 minutes each, right?

01:34:23.000 So Barry Sobel goes on and does 25 minutes.

01:34:27.000 Then Damon goes on and does 25 minutes. 0.97

01:34:29.000 And I'm fucking furious, right? 0.89

01:34:31.000 So I go up and all I do is I say, what did Damon expect? 0.90

01:34:34.000 And I love Damon, but this is a long time ago.

01:34:37.000 I go, what did Damon expect to get funny at the 23rd minute?

01:34:42.000 You know, like it was like all of a sudden he's bombing.

01:34:43.000 I said, it wasn't happening for you tonight, Damon.

01:34:45.000 Let it go.

01:34:47.000 So Rodney comes up to me and goes, you know, kid, you're funny, but all you do is lay into people. 1.00

01:34:50.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:34:51.000 You got an act or what? 1.00

01:34:53.000 And so then he saw me at the improv and then I got it.

01:34:55.000 But that was my introduction to Rodney Dangerfield.

01:34:59.000 It was like, did you get upset at Damon and not upset at Barry Sobel?

01:35:03.000 No, I was upset at both of them.

01:35:05.000 Just that Damon happened to be the one right on before me.

01:35:08.000 Was it going well for him or something?

01:35:10.000 No, they were really tanking.

01:35:12.000 And both of them are very effective comedians.

01:35:15.000 And I was just pissed off because my thing is, you know, it's a 10-minute audition.

01:35:18.000 Just do it.

01:35:19.000 Do the best you can and get off.

01:35:21.000 Right.

01:35:21.000 But don't keep going because you're not doing well.

01:35:23.000 Or don't keep going because you're doing well.

01:35:25.000 Yeah, there's some people that, like, if you audition for the comedy store and they give you one of those five-minute spots or three-minute spot or whatever the hell it is, how many minutes is it?

01:35:35.000 I think it's three.

01:35:36.000 When they come see you, though?

01:35:37.000 Oh, no, this is a special showcase.

01:35:40.000 This is like ten minutes each.

01:35:41.000 But I think if you bring somebody in, if someone auditions for the talent coordinator, how many minutes do they do?

01:35:47.000 I don't know.

01:35:48.000 Like a pro comes in and they do a set.

01:35:50.000 They do ten minutes?

01:35:51.000 I'm not sure.

01:35:52.000 But whatever it is, if you go over that, they just won't pass you.

01:35:54.000 Oh, I know.

01:35:55.000 They just won't.

01:35:56.000 I mean, like, we don't need this.

01:35:57.000 Yeah.

01:35:58.000 You know, we don't need some person who can't follow instructions.

01:36:01.000 We have a mutual friend who did that.

01:36:02.000 Yeah.

01:36:05.000 Unfortunately...

01:36:05.000 Yeah, I just respect other people's time, and, you know, like, that whole fucking thing about going on, like, when Eddie Griffin and those guys, and never had a problem with Eddie, but that's, you know...

01:36:15.000 He would go on for hours. 0.93

01:36:16.000 He would close the place.

01:36:17.000 He would go on at 9 and stay on till 1 o'clock in the morning.

01:36:21.000 Like, duh...

01:36:23.000 And he wasn't even supposed to be, like, on the lineup.

01:36:25.000 He would just show up.

01:36:26.000 But that was when he was a huge star, you know?

01:36:28.000 That place has always been weird with when people are huge stars.

01:36:31.000 They could just come in.

01:36:32.000 Like, Damon used to be able to come in anytime he wanted.

01:36:34.000 And he would go on stage and do 45 minutes or whatever he wanted.

01:36:38.000 You know, it's like you allowed them, you know, you allowed them that moment. 0.98

01:36:43.000 Well, some people, I mean, my thing is, like, one of the things, if I taught anything to anybody younger than me that was my friend was to Tosh, and it was not to abuse your power or be a jerk off about it. 0.80

01:36:55.000 If you're going to bump somebody, go up to them and say, hi, I'm going to do 10 minutes, are you cool with that?

01:37:00.000 If they say, I can't, please don't, then wait, you know.

01:37:03.000 Well, a lot of us have a real problem with it.

01:37:05.000 We don't like it, and we don't do it, and we haven't done it.

01:37:08.000 You know, I'm not a big believer in it.

01:37:10.000 I think it's not that hard to call.

01:37:12.000 You never bump people.

01:37:13.000 No.

01:37:13.000 I don't think it's hard to call.

01:37:14.000 It's not hard to call in and get on a schedule and just, you know, try to figure it out.

01:37:19.000 And if you do show up and they ask to put you on, I don't think that's bumping.

01:37:23.000 Like, if you show up and the club asks you to go on and do a set, you're like, are you sure?

01:37:28.000 Is it okay?

01:37:28.000 You know, you don't say, hey, I want to go on after Irera.

01:37:31.000 Put me up.

01:37:32.000 Because that's the thing that, like, you know who you used to like to do.

01:37:35.000 You know that guy.

01:37:37.000 The one that's not really Mexican.

01:37:40.000 He used to like to show up.

01:37:42.000 Haven't you heard him enough?

01:37:43.000 Don't say his name.

01:37:44.000 He's like Candyman.

01:37:45.000 But people like to do it as like a power trip.

01:37:48.000 Exactly.

01:37:49.000 And they like to do it in front of you.

01:37:50.000 Like say if they didn't like you, they would go up in front of you.

01:37:53.000 I'm going to go on after I... Like say if someone was going after you and he didn't like them, he'd go on right after you.

01:37:57.000 Say, I'm going on next. 1.00

01:37:59.000 And then just go in there and just crush for 40 minutes and do half your shit. 1.00

01:38:04.000 Right. 1.00

01:38:05.000 But that was a different scenario, you know.

01:38:07.000 It was like a vampire in an artist colony.

01:38:11.000 Red Band said that he saw somebody do one of my jokes.

01:38:14.000 Who?

01:38:15.000 I don't know.

01:38:16.000 It was like on a TV thing, and the guy hollered out, that's Don Marrera's joke.

01:38:22.000 Which joke?

01:38:22.000 I don't know.

01:38:23.000 He told me he was going to text you with it.

01:38:25.000 I guess he forgot.

01:38:27.000 That's unlikely.

01:38:28.000 I saw a thing last week.

01:38:30.000 I'm kidding.

01:38:30.000 Brian forgets everything.

01:38:32.000 Oh, does he?

01:38:32.000 He's partying.

01:38:33.000 He's having a great time.

01:38:34.000 The kid's squeezing life like an orange.

01:38:37.000 He's getting the juices out.

01:38:39.000 Yeah, he smokes a little weed, Dom.

01:38:41.000 He does.

01:38:43.000 All things in moderation, Joseph.

01:38:45.000 So your Xanax thing, it puts you, you were saying at the beginning of the podcast, it puts you in a level state?

01:38:51.000 Yeah.

01:38:51.000 Is there any downside to it?

01:38:53.000 Yeah, drowsiness.

01:38:54.000 Drowsiness.

01:38:55.000 But the drowsiness probably calms you down, makes you maybe a little bit more hilarious.

01:38:59.000 Yeah, I don't get nervous for the stage.

01:39:01.000 I don't get nervous for...

01:39:02.000 I get nervous for just being, you know?

01:39:05.000 The existential angst of being, or were you worried about mortality, worried about death, or just an unnamed thing?

01:39:13.000 I'm not hip on it, you know? 0.99

01:39:14.000 I mean, I was writing a stupid joke about... 0.98

01:39:18.000 We have to have a finite number of loads left. 0.99

01:39:22.000 Right.

01:39:22.000 You know, that we have enough jizz to shoot a load.

01:39:27.000 And I was thinking, it's kind of sad but interesting.

01:39:29.000 I wonder how many loads I have left.

01:39:31.000 Well, it's a matter of how much your body needs.

01:39:34.000 I would imagine if you spit in a bucket.

01:39:38.000 Your body would be forced to produce more spit because you're constantly spitting.

01:39:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:42.000 You know, like if you decided, okay, today is April, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:39:47.000 13th. 0.96

01:39:48.000 2016. The next 30 years, I'm trying to see how much spit I can do in my spare time.

01:39:54.000 So I'm going to get a vat.

01:39:56.000 I'm going to dig a hole in my backyard and have some glass makers.

01:40:01.000 I'm gonna make this gigantic vat and I'm gonna lift up a lid and I'm gonna spit in it every day and I'm gonna try to fill that glass up before I die.

01:40:08.000 Can you imagine?

01:40:11.000 I knew I could get a good answer out of you. 0.97

01:40:13.000 If you did that, if you had the lid of a fucking hot tub, and you lift it up, and there's a seven-foot deep vat that's made out of glass, and you're just chucking loogies in there and closing it up every day, how much spit would you actually be able to create? 0.96

01:40:28.000 What are you going to do to prevent evaporation? 0.98

01:40:29.000 You would probably create life. 1.00

01:40:31.000 Probably some new fucking organism would grow out of that thing and kill your fucking neighbors. 1.00

01:40:35.000 Joe, who cleans up a bit with spit? 1.00

01:40:37.000 That's how...

01:40:38.000 I appreciate that.

01:40:39.000 You took it to a classier level.

01:40:41.000 Yeah, spit. 0.99

01:40:41.000 Oh, I would say cum. 0.99

01:40:43.000 You could do it with cum, too. 0.99

01:40:44.000 But you wouldn't be able to measure it because hopefully you're cumming in somebody doing it. 0.99

01:40:48.000 Oh, boy. 0.97

01:40:49.000 The way I like to do it.

01:40:50.000 Or in the back of her head. 0.95

01:40:51.000 Hey! 0.99

01:40:53.000 It's hard to scrape it off and weigh it exactly.

01:40:55.000 But if you spit into a vat, you'd have like a control.

01:40:58.000 You know, you'd have the vat.

01:40:59.000 You'd have a nice seal, airtight seal, so it's not going to evaporate.

01:41:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:41:05.000 Yeah.

01:41:05.000 Lift it up, close it down.

01:41:06.000 Now I'm getting hungry.

01:41:07.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:41:08.000 Yeah, I mean, how much cum would be lost in their hair alone?

01:41:12.000 You would never get an accurate measurement.

01:41:13.000 You would have to, like, adjust for hair. 0.72

01:41:16.000 Like, okay, how much cum did you wind up scraping off?

01:41:18.000 Well, I got about a half an ounce, but I think there's another quarter in that hair. 0.84

01:41:22.000 Okay. 0.92

01:41:23.000 You'd have to, like, put an asterisk next to how much cum did he cum today? 0.89

01:41:28.000 I definitely have that thing of how many times left in life. 0.99

01:41:32.000 Even when I was a kid, I remember being four years old, looking in the mirror and going, I can't believe I'm going to die someday, and I'm so fucking cute.

01:41:45.000 I remember a conversation I had with my stepdad when I was seven. 0.73

01:41:48.000 And it was right when I had lost my religion.

01:41:51.000 I lost my religion when I was seven.

01:41:53.000 Seven?

01:41:53.000 Wow.

01:41:53.000 No, I went to...

01:41:55.000 That's the age of reason.

01:41:56.000 Catholic school.

01:41:57.000 Catholic school did me in. 1.00

01:41:58.000 I just realized it was bullshit. 0.99

01:42:00.000 And my parents were kind of... 1.00

01:42:00.000 My stepdad was a hippie. 1.00

01:42:02.000 And my parents were kind of becoming hippies.

01:42:05.000 And my mom was becoming a hippie, you know, hanging out with my stepdad. 0.75

01:42:08.000 But when I asked him, I said, well, if...

01:42:11.000 You know, if there's no heaven, there's no God, what happens to you when you die?

01:42:17.000 He's like, probably nothing.

01:42:18.000 You just aren't here anymore.

01:42:20.000 I just started crying.

01:42:22.000 I just started crying.

01:42:24.000 I remember it.

01:42:24.000 I was just so scared.

01:42:26.000 This is a natural instinct.

01:42:27.000 You don't want it to end.

01:42:29.000 Yeah.

01:42:29.000 We all have it.

01:42:30.000 And it's part of the management of life is trying to decide which way you allow your brain to go.

01:42:42.000 Not just today.

01:42:44.000 But forever, for as long as you're conscious, there's got to be certain roads you don't go down.

01:42:50.000 And if you do, you have to be able to look at those subjects, whatever those roads are, rationally.

01:42:57.000 Because if you just want to freak out and sit here and freak out about death, You're not going to enjoy this moment, which you have.

01:43:04.000 You are alive.

01:43:06.000 Right now, everyone listening to this is alive.

01:43:10.000 And this is all you've got.

01:43:12.000 This is what you've got.

01:43:13.000 You've got right now.

01:43:14.000 So when is it going to be over?

01:43:15.000 It literally does not matter for this moment right now.

01:43:19.000 For this moment right now, it's hard to do, but you've got to enjoy this.

01:43:24.000 And it's gonna go away one day, but you don't have to dwell on that.

01:43:28.000 Just leave that knowledge in your head and enjoy this.

01:43:31.000 Because what a shame it would be.

01:43:34.000 Yeah.

01:43:59.000 And also by the seeking the reward at the end.

01:44:02.000 Yeah.

01:44:02.000 Like as if this time isn't a reward in itself, you know?

01:44:04.000 This time is, yeah. 1.00

01:44:05.000 I mean, it takes a long fucking time to cement that into my stupid head. 1.00

01:44:10.000 And that's why, you know, when you say, like, you see me having fun, I am having fun. 1.00

01:44:15.000 I'm having more fun now doing stand-up than I ever have in my life.

01:44:19.000 I can see that.

01:44:20.000 It's fun, man.

01:44:21.000 It's a fun thing.

01:44:23.000 You know?

01:44:23.000 And when I approach it like that, it's been more rewarding.

01:44:28.000 I think my act is better.

01:44:30.000 I think it's all...

01:44:30.000 It's just...

01:44:31.000 And there's so many of us now.

01:44:34.000 There's so many of us.

01:44:36.000 When you do that one bit, the closing bit, you are so into it. 0.91

01:44:42.000 It's so fucking funny, but spooky. 0.74

01:44:45.000 But on so many levels, it gets me... 0.96

01:44:48.000 That's why I asked you last night if you had done it for a special yet.

01:44:51.000 That's going to be the next one.

01:44:52.000 That's definitely your closer, though.

01:44:54.000 I can't follow it right now.

01:44:57.000 But I might be doing it in June.

01:45:00.000 Trying to figure out when I'm going to do my special.

01:45:03.000 I'm working it all out right now.

01:45:05.000 Dom Herrera.

01:45:06.000 It's Herrera from now on.

01:45:08.000 I'm going to do a Netflix special very soon within the next three or four months.

01:45:13.000 I should do one.

01:45:14.000 I haven't done one in a while. 1.00

01:45:15.000 Fuck's sake, Dominic! 1.00

01:45:16.000 You're too funny to be sitting on the sidelines as a spectator! 1.00

01:45:23.000 No, you should do one, man.

01:45:26.000 When was the last time you had someone come out to see you like that?

01:45:30.000 I don't remember.

01:45:31.000 When are you doing a headliner set in town?

01:45:34.000 In town?

01:45:35.000 Yeah, or anywhere near here.

01:45:36.000 Oh, the Comedy Magic Club in June.

01:45:37.000 When is that?

01:45:38.000 In June?

01:45:39.000 Yeah.

01:45:39.000 I'll have the Netflix people come out to see you.

01:45:41.000 Oh, yeah? 1.00

01:45:41.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:45:42.000 Cool. 1.00

01:45:43.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:45:43.000 Do you know when in June? 1.00

01:45:45.000 I'm not positive.

01:45:46.000 I should know the dates. 1.00

01:45:47.000 You should know your fucking dates, Dom. 1.00

01:45:49.000 Luckily, you're on the internet. 1.00

01:45:51.000 The first week, I'm at Kilkenny.

01:45:53.000 The second week, I'm at... 1.00

01:45:57.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99

01:45:58.000 Second week is the 10th and the 11th. 1.00

01:46:01.000 So you'll be in Vegas that weekend?

01:46:02.000 You'll be in Vegas, and then the next week is pretty sure that's it.

01:46:06.000 Okay.

01:46:07.000 It's either that or the weekend before July 4th.

01:46:10.000 I think I might be home.

01:46:12.000 Or that might be a UFC. Wow, I feel like that's a UFC. Okay, there's your schedule, lad.

01:46:18.000 Hear you, lad.

01:46:19.000 Yeah, the July 6th through 12th, Las Vegas, Brad Garrett's Comedy Club.

01:46:24.000 June, rather, 6th through 12th.

01:46:25.000 And then right after that, it must be Comedy Magic Club.

01:46:28.000 Montreal Comedy Festival.

01:46:29.000 Yeah, I don't know why the Magic Club's not in there.

01:46:33.000 Isn't that funny to see Perth, Australia, and then Delray Beach, Florida?

01:46:36.000 It's a big chunk of the earth.

01:46:38.000 Yeah, that's a big swath.

01:46:40.000 You're cutting a path through this great land of ours.

01:46:43.000 Yes.

01:46:43.000 You are, with your jokes.

01:46:45.000 Humor, giving. 1.00

01:46:51.000 So, we've got to wrap this fucker up. 1.00

01:46:53.000 What's that? 1.00

01:46:54.000 We've got to wrap this fucker up soon. 0.99

01:46:55.000 I was just going to say, I had so much fun last night with the girls at the store. 0.99

01:46:58.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:59.000 They have the greatest staff.

01:47:01.000 The girls and the boys, too.

01:47:02.000 Let's not be gender-specific, Dom.

01:47:04.000 Well, we were goofing around with the girls and Jessie Mae. 0.99

01:47:06.000 Mm-hmm.

01:47:07.000 Yeah.

01:47:08.000 Yeah, she's great.

01:47:09.000 And the wait staff is great.

01:47:11.000 Everybody's great.

01:47:12.000 The management staff is great.

01:47:14.000 Emily's great.

01:47:14.000 The people who work there are just great.

01:47:16.000 It's a great place, man.

01:47:17.000 It's got a great vibe now.

01:47:18.000 It's almost a completely different universe.

01:47:20.000 It is completely different.

01:47:21.000 It's like it was sick.

01:47:23.000 There's happiness there now.

01:47:24.000 Yeah.

01:47:24.000 It was like it was sick and someone came along and gave it medicine and now it's not sick anymore.

01:47:29.000 Now it's flourishing.

01:47:30.000 Exactly.

01:47:30.000 It's a totally different thing.

01:47:31.000 It was on the ropes for three years.

01:47:32.000 It was.

01:47:33.000 I didn't think it was going to stay open. 0.97

01:47:34.000 Well, when I came back, when I watched Ari do a special, which if you watched the podcast with Ari and you noticed that I almost cried like a bitch, you'd be correct. 0.96

01:47:44.000 Were you laughing? 0.98

01:47:45.000 No, I almost cried.

01:47:47.000 Because we were talking about me coming back to the store, and...

01:47:53.000 Ari's been my friend since he was a doorman.

01:47:56.000 We were buddies when he was an amateur.

01:47:59.000 He was just starting out.

01:48:01.000 And so for me to be on a hiatus from a story, I didn't perform there for seven years.

01:48:08.000 The main motivating factor was two things.

01:48:11.000 One, that Adam Egott came to see me at the improv.

01:48:15.000 And talked to me and told me he's running it now.

01:48:19.000 And I knew Adam from Phoenix.

01:48:22.000 That was big.

01:48:23.000 That was big.

01:48:23.000 But the biggest one was that Ari was doing his special there.

01:48:28.000 I'm like, there's no way.

01:48:31.000 There's no way I was going to miss that.

01:48:32.000 Right.

01:48:33.000 Well, do you remember me telling you to come back?

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:35.000 Because I said to you, I remember exactly the conversation, I said, Joe, that past is over.

01:48:40.000 We've got a bunch of your friends are over there, and we would love you to come back.

01:48:47.000 It was like, you know, because they bet on the wrong horse, right?

01:48:50.000 And that whole thing went down.

01:48:52.000 Well, there was just so many crazy things going on at that place with the guy who was running it before.

01:48:57.000 It was out of his mind.

01:48:58.000 This has nothing to do with the past.

01:49:00.000 That's why it was so great that you came back.

01:49:02.000 Yeah.

01:49:03.000 You know, everybody loves you there.

01:49:04.000 Everybody, we have so, you know, it's fun because you don't separate yourself from them.

01:49:09.000 You know, like we were talking about people's attitudes.

01:49:12.000 And it's just such a, it's so fun to have you back there.

01:49:16.000 Like, I know that I'm going to see you once or twice a week there.

01:49:18.000 You know, before you were at places that I didn't feel like driving to.

01:49:22.000 Right.

01:49:22.000 Yeah, at the Ice House.

01:49:23.000 Yeah.

01:49:25.000 Yeah, I hear you, brother.

01:49:26.000 I feel the same way, man.

01:49:27.000 I'm happy.

01:49:28.000 I'm happy.

01:49:28.000 But I still like doing the Ice House, too, man.

01:49:30.000 Oh, no, I'm not putting that down.

01:49:32.000 I'll try to do a weekend there soon.

01:49:32.000 I like it, too.

01:49:33.000 That fucking place is awesome. 0.99

01:49:35.000 This is the greatest time ever for comedy. 0.99

01:49:37.000 This is the greatest spot, too.

01:49:38.000 If I didn't live in L.A., I'd want to be here.

01:49:40.000 Oh, yeah?

01:49:41.000 I really would.

01:49:42.000 There's so much good comedy going on here.

01:49:43.000 There's a lot of good writing going on.

01:49:45.000 It's competitive, you know?

01:49:46.000 It's competitive and it's also supportive.

01:49:49.000 It's supportive.

01:49:50.000 Way more than it was like 20 years ago. 0.98

01:49:52.000 Like when we first came here, you were here before me, but when I first came here in 94, It just was fucking real shitty. 0.95

01:50:00.000 It wasn't supportive. 0.97

01:50:01.000 No.

01:50:02.000 Everybody was out for themselves.

01:50:03.000 It was like tainted also by...

01:50:06.000 I have this theory and I'm pretty sure there's some validity to it.

01:50:11.000 I think that the stand-up comedy of the 80s and the 90s that we knew of was also tainted by the television business.

01:50:21.000 Because everybody was trying to get a TV deal.

01:50:23.000 Yeah.

01:50:23.000 So the guys who came out here, everybody was trying to do showcase sets for executives and for writers, and they were trying to get a set together so they could cash in like Roseanne and get themselves that fat Seinfeld money or that Brett Butler money.

01:50:39.000 Get that long cash that would come with being the star of a sitcom.

01:50:43.000 That was the goal.

01:50:44.000 And so we had this sort of actor-y thing going on in comedy.

01:50:49.000 And it was weird.

01:50:50.000 It was weird for a long time.

01:50:52.000 But when the sitcoms started drying up because of the reality shows, a lot of comics got resentful.

01:50:58.000 Because even Maren got resentful with me because my show, in his mind, was taking up a slot that could have been filled by comics that were working as writers.

01:51:09.000 But my point was that comics working as writers are still not even doing stand-up.

01:51:18.000 It's not taking anything away from the art of stand-up.

01:51:20.000 It's just a slot on television.

01:51:22.000 Ultimately, those shows, although brutal and weird in the way that they just sort of decimated the sitcom landscape, a lot of them, there's not even nearly as many sitcoms as there used to be. 0.55

01:51:32.000 You remember how many goddamn sitcoms there were at one point in time on network television?

01:51:35.000 Not even close. 1.00

01:51:36.000 There's a lot of fucking reality shows, a lot of weirdness. 0.98

01:51:39.000 But what that forced everyone to do was to go online and then stand-up right now is just about stand-up again. 0.99

01:51:47.000 Yeah.

01:51:47.000 So the goal is now not to get a sitcom, which is still awesome if you're someone like D'Elia, but the goal is instead to get Netflix specials, like Segura.

01:51:58.000 Segura has no TV to speak of, and he's selling out big-ass theaters.

01:52:03.000 He's killing it, and it's just from Netflix specials.

01:52:05.000 So the whole thing changed, from his podcast, from other people's podcasts where you got to know him, and then from Netflix specials.

01:52:12.000 The whole thing changed.

01:52:13.000 So that's the goal now.

01:52:15.000 So I think the level of comedy is really high now because everybody's into comedy again.

01:52:21.000 There's a lot of guys that are into doing it for the sake of doing it.

01:52:24.000 Just the fun of going out there and putting on a live show and having a good time.

01:52:28.000 Yeah, somebody asked me, they go, why do you still do it so much?

01:52:31.000 I go, because I love it, and I'm trying to improve it.

01:52:34.000 I go, how much are you going to improve, basically, at your age?

01:52:38.000 I don't know, but I'm going to try. 0.92

01:52:40.000 I'm not going to fucking give up and go, well, I'll do this bit that I did 20 years ago. 0.87

01:52:46.000 It'll be new to them. 0.96

01:52:48.000 Yeah, well, that's why, like Delia said, you're not an older guy, you're just a comic.

01:52:53.000 And I think that applies to everything in life.

01:52:58.000 If you got a guy who's an old car designer who's resting on his laurels, or a guy who's an old author who's writing shitty books and resting on the books that he wrote 20, 30 years ago, he's not going to be as interesting.

01:53:11.000 There's no reason to not produce and be creative.

01:53:15.000 There's no reason to.

01:53:16.000 You can still do it.

01:53:17.000 And you'll feel better if you do.

01:53:18.000 There was a guy, you know him, I don't feel like putting him down.

01:53:21.000 Say it!

01:53:22.000 Really, you want me to say it?

01:53:23.000 No, I'm just kidding.

01:53:25.000 And Leah's on stage.

01:53:27.000 Oh, that guy. 1.00

01:53:28.000 That fucking guy. 1.00

01:53:31.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:53:31.000 This other guy. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Hey, motherfucker. 1.00

01:53:33.000 Did you ever hear Shay Matash doing Joe Pesci getting blown by Joan Rivers? 1.00

01:53:38.000 That's fucking funny. 0.98

01:53:41.000 She's hilarious. 0.99

01:53:42.000 Yeah, she's working with me in Reno.

01:53:44.000 Is she?

01:53:45.000 In May, yeah.

01:53:46.000 She lives in Vegas.

01:53:46.000 That's not up there.

01:53:47.000 That should be up there.

01:53:48.000 What's that?

01:53:49.000 She lives in Vegas, yeah. 0.95

01:53:50.000 Yeah, how come that's on your...

01:53:51.000 Who does your calendar there?

01:53:52.000 The guy in Montreal. 1.00

01:53:54.000 Kill him to get his fucking shit together. 1.00

01:53:55.000 What else is there? 1.00

01:53:56.000 The Vegas thing, and then governors, and that's all down the road.

01:54:00.000 Brokerage.

01:54:00.000 They should let people know.

01:54:02.000 What's the guy's name?

01:54:03.000 Call him out.

01:54:04.000 No.

01:54:04.000 Hey.

01:54:05.000 Get your shit together, you fuck. 1.00

01:54:07.000 It's me, too. 1.00

01:54:08.000 Yeah.

01:54:09.000 You're not getting into him?

01:54:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:11.000 Yeah, you gotta email him.

01:54:12.000 Gotta let him know.

01:54:12.000 But, you know, the Twitter thing helps a lot more.

01:54:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:16.000 No, it's amazing.

01:54:17.000 Facebook's great.

01:54:18.000 Instagram's great.

01:54:18.000 Do you know I've never been on Facebook?

01:54:20.000 Never?

01:54:21.000 Never.

01:54:21.000 I hired two girls to help me with that.

01:54:24.000 They send dick pics to everybody? 0.99

01:54:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:26.000 Yeah.

01:54:28.000 Whose idea was that?

01:54:29.000 Whose first idea was that?

01:54:31.000 Me.

01:54:31.000 That's my idea.

01:54:32.000 You were the dick pic guy? 0.99

01:54:34.000 Uh, no. 1.00

01:54:34.000 Dick pics were probably like Polaroids. 1.00

01:54:36.000 They probably drew them on cave walls. 1.00

01:54:37.000 Probably dudes traced the outline of their dick and threw rocks at women. 1.00

01:54:41.000 Got them to go look at it. 0.99

01:54:45.000 I bet dick pics have been around as long as cameras have been around. 0.99

01:54:48.000 How long did the camera exist before the first dude took a picture of his dick with it? 0.99

01:54:52.000 How long? 1.00

01:54:53.000 A week? 0.99

01:54:54.000 How long was the first dick pic? 0.99

01:54:55.000 I bet the first dick pic was within... 1.00

01:54:57.000 You really expect me to answer that? 0.99

01:54:58.000 I honestly believe that if cameras are in... 1.00

01:55:00.000 If they don't have to be operated by more than one person at the time they're created, I wouldn't give it more than a month before a guy took a picture of his dick. 0.99

01:55:08.000 From the making of the very first camera to taking a photo of his dick, I would say one month. 1.00

01:55:13.000 Because otherwise, how else you got to look at your dick? 1.00

01:55:15.000 You have to use a mirror. 1.00

01:55:16.000 And those mirrors back then were like looking into a pond.

01:55:19.000 You could barely see what you looked like.

01:55:20.000 Yeah.

01:55:22.000 You'll get your reflection in a car mirror, like a car window.

01:55:26.000 It's a nice thought, Joe.

01:55:27.000 I'm getting hungry now.

01:55:29.000 Look at this.

01:55:30.000 2,500 year old erotic graffiti found in an unlikely setting on the Aegean Island.

01:55:39.000 Wow.

01:55:40.000 What's erotic about it? 1.00

01:55:41.000 That's a dick. 1.00

01:55:42.000 Hmm. 1.00

01:55:42.000 The guy's got a weird dick though. 1.00

01:55:44.000 I think he should go to an ancient doctor. 1.00

01:55:45.000 Throwing his balls. 1.00

01:55:46.000 Looks like a grenade. 1.00

01:55:47.000 It's a dick with little squares in it. 1.00

01:55:49.000 His balls look like a grenade. 1.00

01:55:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:52.000 Who says that that's a dick? 1.00

01:55:53.000 That could be a cactus. 0.99

01:55:54.000 Over here.

01:55:56.000 What's that?

01:55:57.000 Archaeologist traces back to the first penis art. 1.00

01:56:00.000 They don't know shit. 1.00

01:56:02.000 That ain't a dick. 1.00

01:56:03.000 If that's a dick, our dicks have evolved. 1.00

01:56:05.000 Imagine if we found out that dicks used to look different. 1.00

01:56:07.000 They've changed. 0.98

01:56:08.000 They've changed shape. 0.97

01:56:09.000 Like we find like a petrified frozen dick from like a million years ago and we go, oh my god. 0.99

01:56:16.000 Dicks have changed. 0.98

01:56:17.000 What would you think it looked like a million years ago?

01:56:18.000 Well look, foreheads changed, right? 0.99

01:56:20.000 Neanderthals had those giant ass fucking foreheads that looked like a forearm was growing off the top of your brows. 1.00

01:56:26.000 Right? 1.00

01:56:27.000 Right?

01:56:27.000 This big, thick thing?

01:56:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:56:29.000 The Neanderthal man.

01:56:30.000 Their faces were different.

01:56:31.000 Their build were different. 1.00

01:56:31.000 What if their dicks were different? 1.00

01:56:33.000 That you could actually eat with it? 0.99

01:56:36.000 Like...

01:56:37.000 Put your hands...

01:56:40.000 Yeah, exactly! 1.00

01:56:41.000 Yeah, push food into your mouth with your cock. 1.00

01:56:43.000 Like a fucking trunk! 1.00

01:56:44.000 I was watching an elephant eat bamboo ones. 1.00

01:56:48.000 And the elephant, it's kind of interesting to see.

01:56:50.000 Like, you know, I don't think I realized until I saw an elephant eat at the zoo how much dexterity they have in that trunk.

01:56:58.000 But he's stepping on this bamboo and just tearing the leaves off.

01:57:01.000 Like, really, like, unbelievably powerful.

01:57:04.000 It just rips them off with, like, no effort at all and bundles it up.

01:57:07.000 And then he was stuffing it in his mouth.

01:57:09.000 And I was watching the whole thing play out.

01:57:11.000 I was like, wow, what an...

01:57:13.000 Interesting body part that trunk is.

01:57:15.000 What other animal can feed itself with its nose, wrap its nose around leaves, hold branches down with its feet, and just strip the leaves off, roll it up in a ball with its nose?

01:57:29.000 Or he can do it.

01:57:30.000 No, he can't do it anymore.

01:57:33.000 He's trying to think of an answer to his question for me.

01:57:36.000 Oh, about looking Jewish?

01:57:37.000 What is it about me that makes me look Jewish?

01:57:41.000 I love that.

01:57:42.000 Ari, have you ever talked to him about his religious past?

01:57:46.000 No.

01:57:46.000 When he was a young boy, he lived in Israel, and he spent, a young man I should say, he spent like 12 hours a day reading like ancient Jewish religious texts.

01:57:58.000 Really?

01:57:58.000 Yeah, he was like in a very religious program.

01:58:02.000 He was seriously like a dedicated Jew, like to learning Judaism, to learning Hebrew, like seriously dedicated. 0.98

01:58:12.000 Somewhere along the line he just woke up and like, what the fuck am I doing? 1.00

01:58:15.000 Funny shit, man. 1.00

01:58:16.000 It's interesting, isn't it? 1.00

01:58:17.000 Like, you know, they say politics makes strange bedfellows.

01:58:20.000 Well, so does comedy.

01:58:21.000 Like, in what regular world would you and him and Joey be friends?

01:58:25.000 Yeah.

01:58:26.000 Well, we'd have to work together or something.

01:58:27.000 Yeah, you'd have to work.

01:58:28.000 You wouldn't collide in other places.

01:58:31.000 Yeah, unless we all had the same hobby.

01:58:33.000 I know people from different worlds too, like the world of pool, professional pool and pool players that I've known for 20, 30 years.

01:58:42.000 Those people in that world, I know those people.

01:58:45.000 But other worlds, you've got to do something they do.

01:58:49.000 I notice really a lot of the guys of your generation, they're very manly.

01:58:59.000 When I first started, there was a lot of nebbishy guys who talked about their mother.

01:59:05.000 It's really changed.

01:59:07.000 It's become much more masculine.

01:59:09.000 Like Burr.

01:59:10.000 Burr's very manly.

01:59:11.000 Yeah.

01:59:12.000 But there was always guys like Lenny Clark.

01:59:14.000 He was real manly.

01:59:15.000 He's always been really manly.

01:59:16.000 Well, Lenny Clark, he could be like a bouncer and a comedian.

01:59:20.000 He's a big man. 0.86

01:59:21.000 Big savage. 1.00

01:59:23.000 Yeah, there's, you know, I think there's just like the doors open to fucking everybody now. 0.99

01:59:27.000 There's all sorts of different shapes. 0.99

01:59:29.000 Well, I was telling, I had a podcast yesterday and the kid was Muslim.

01:59:33.000 And I said, you know, when I started out, there were no Muslim comedians.

01:59:38.000 When I started out in 1980, there was nobody I could think of.

01:59:43.000 Remember when Yakov Smirnoff was like a crazy thing to see?

01:59:46.000 Yeah.

01:59:47.000 What a country.

01:59:48.000 And you know what killed him?

01:59:50.000 Peristrika.

01:59:51.000 Once they had Peristrika in Russia, it was the same as here. 0.98

01:59:54.000 You know what? 0.96

01:59:55.000 He's been doing sets at the store, and he's fucking funny. 0.98

01:59:58.000 Good. 0.97

01:59:58.000 He's good, man. 0.97

01:59:59.000 He's a good joke writer.

02:00:00.000 He writes good jokes.

02:00:01.000 He's a likable guy.

02:00:03.000 He's a really nice guy.

02:00:05.000 And I've seen him many times now over the past few months.

02:00:09.000 He's a real nice guy.

02:00:11.000 Yeah.

02:00:11.000 You know?

02:00:12.000 Well, he went to Branson to have a career there.

02:00:15.000 Yeah.

02:00:16.000 Well, he has a theater there, right? 0.97

02:00:17.000 They do dinner shows and shit, and he goes out and does stand-up. 0.98

02:00:20.000 They do like three in the afternoon shows so they can get to bed by six. 0.99

02:00:23.000 He still looks great, too. 0.99

02:00:25.000 Guy's fucking healthy. 0.99

02:00:26.000 Looks good. 0.99

02:00:27.000 Did they do 3 p.m.

02:00:28.000 shows?

02:00:29.000 No, I'm kidding.

02:00:29.000 You might be right.

02:00:30.000 I might be right.

02:00:31.000 You might be right. 1.00

02:00:32.000 They might be feeding them fucking boiled carrots and shit. 1.00

02:00:36.000 They could gum all their meals. 1.00

02:00:37.000 That place is weird, isn't it?

02:00:39.000 You been there?

02:00:40.000 No.

02:00:41.000 No, I haven't been there.

02:00:42.000 I'm not going.

02:00:43.000 It's like an elephant graveyard.

02:00:44.000 Well, it's a weird, like, real religious place, right?

02:00:47.000 Well, I didn't know that.

02:00:48.000 Isn't it?

02:00:48.000 Branson, Missouri?

02:00:49.000 Pull that shit up, Jamie. 1.00

02:00:51.000 Isn't it all super religious? 1.00

02:00:52.000 I think that it was conservative, you know, kind of Midwest.

02:00:57.000 You don't really get too much conservative without religion.

02:01:02.000 True.

02:01:03.000 It's real.

02:01:04.000 You don't get too much like watch your language, watch your behavior, dress nice, don't say anything inappropriate, don't say anything controversial without religion.

02:01:14.000 Like you really only get that.

02:01:17.000 That sort of strict behavioral standards when they're applied to religion.

02:01:22.000 Like I was telling you about my friend who did the benefit.

02:01:25.000 His people are all religious.

02:01:27.000 I'll tell you who he is after this is over.

02:01:28.000 I just don't want to blow the guy up.

02:01:30.000 He's a famous guy.

02:01:31.000 And his people are all really religious.

02:01:33.000 He's an athlete.

02:01:34.000 And so...

02:01:36.000 You know, his idea of what's acceptable and not acceptable involves what language you use, like what words you use, what subjects you talk about.

02:01:43.000 That almost always comes with religion.

02:01:45.000 Yeah.

02:01:46.000 You know, to be like real buttoned down and super, you know...

02:01:50.000 Judgmental.

02:01:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:01:52.000 Just not allowing anything risque or controversial.

02:01:56.000 Welcome to Branson.

02:01:57.000 Let's have some fun.

02:01:59.000 Jim Stafford show.

02:02:01.000 What is...

02:02:02.000 Show me a photo?

02:02:04.000 What does it say about the actual place, though?

02:02:07.000 You know, I've never seen even pictures of it.

02:02:09.000 You couldn't find anything about Branson being religious?

02:02:12.000 Yeah, I didn't really look for that episode, I guess.

02:02:15.000 Oh.

02:02:15.000 Joe, I'll tell you, I love Vegas.

02:02:17.000 I do too.

02:02:18.000 It's funny.

02:02:18.000 In and out, quick.

02:02:19.000 We gotta do something there.

02:02:20.000 Kabow! 1.00

02:02:21.000 I want to come see one of your fights or something.

02:02:23.000 Let me know.

02:02:24.000 When are you doing gigs?

02:02:26.000 I'm there in August with the Laugh Factory.

02:02:29.000 In June, I told you, with Brad Garrett.

02:02:31.000 Okay.

02:02:33.000 You have a fight in June?

02:02:34.000 No.

02:02:35.000 We'll figure it out.

02:02:36.000 We'll figure out a good one.

02:02:37.000 And then we'll do a gig together up there.

02:02:39.000 Oh, that'd be great.

02:02:40.000 Yeah.

02:02:41.000 It should be fun, right?

02:02:42.000 Do a gig together on the Friday and then come to the fights on a Saturday, Dominic.

02:02:46.000 Yeah, there's some fun times to be had there.

02:02:49.000 Great restaurants, too.

02:02:50.000 Oh, man.

02:02:51.000 The best.

02:02:52.000 You know what they did?

02:02:53.000 They went out and bought the best chefs in the world.

02:02:54.000 Yeah, smart. 0.99

02:02:55.000 When you arrive at the airport, you see these fucking big-ass Gordon Ramsay posters. 0.99

02:03:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:00.000 And all these other chefs. 0.99

02:03:02.000 I know.

02:03:03.000 Emerald and...

02:03:03.000 Mm-hmm.

02:03:04.000 All those famous guys that I've seen on the Anthony Bourdain show and shit. 0.99

02:03:07.000 Are they? 0.97

02:03:07.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:03:08.000 It's awesome, man.

02:03:09.000 You can't get a bad steak there.

02:03:11.000 One of the major casinos, their steaks are off the charts.

02:03:13.000 Yeah.

02:03:13.000 When I started there in 86, I went to the Comedy Store.

02:03:17.000 It was all $1.99 steaks, $0.99 breakfasts. 0.99

02:03:22.000 It was all like shit food for people that just gambled. 0.99

02:03:25.000 Then it's completely changed. 0.99

02:03:27.000 Steve Wynn had a lot to do with it, I think.

02:03:29.000 He's a visionary.

02:03:31.000 There's a bunch of those guys that have done a great job that...

02:03:34.000 The whole area group, like the Cosmopolitan.

02:03:38.000 Right, right.

02:03:39.000 And then the MGM has a fantastic steak place.

02:03:43.000 A craft steak.

02:03:44.000 I had the really expensive one just to see how much better it was.

02:03:48.000 A $260.

02:03:49.000 Kobe beef, like Wagyu.

02:03:51.000 They massage the cow or the steer.

02:03:55.000 Yeah, they give it a fatty, fatty diet.

02:03:56.000 They give them beer.

02:03:58.000 Yeah.

02:04:00.000 Crazy.

02:04:00.000 Yeah.

02:04:01.000 It tastes good, though.

02:04:02.000 What is it, Jamie?

02:04:03.000 I just got this place called the Sight and Sound Show.

02:04:07.000 They have all these religious shows there.

02:04:08.000 Oh, look at that.

02:04:09.000 It's one of the biggest places.

02:04:10.000 Bringing the Bible to Life.

02:04:11.000 This is one of the big shows in Branson. 1.00

02:04:13.000 A bunch of shitty actors. 0.99

02:04:15.000 Where's your Moses now, see? 1.00

02:04:17.000 They have a Noah's Ark show, a Moses show. 0.63

02:04:18.000 Oh, I think I need to go to that.

02:04:21.000 I need to go to that on acid. 0.98

02:04:23.000 That would be awesome, to take a pot brownie, to get just like crippling, scared high, and then go to see this.

02:04:30.000 It would probably be amazing.

02:04:32.000 We need to film that for Vice.

02:04:34.000 Oh.

02:04:36.000 Oh my god, Shane Smith.

02:04:38.000 I just found something we can do.

02:04:41.000 Yeah.

02:04:42.000 Go to Branson, and we'll have a guy try to convert us.

02:04:46.000 I've thought about going into one of those on Hollywood Boulevard, just letting them, just seeing what they do.

02:04:52.000 Dynetics?

02:04:53.000 Yeah, just, they ask all the time when I walk down there, just, hey, take a flyer.

02:04:56.000 I just want to walk in one time and just see what they do.

02:04:58.000 They might get you, bro.

02:04:59.000 Do you think they'd catch me if I had a microphone on or something? 1.00

02:05:01.000 Uh, yeah, they'll probably frisk you, and then they'll fuck you if they find the mic. 1.00

02:05:07.000 That's what they do. 1.00

02:05:09.000 Dude, they might get you.

02:05:11.000 They might lose you to Scientology.

02:05:13.000 Then you might become a mole. 0.99

02:05:14.000 And you come in here and when we talk shit about Tom Cruise, you send a text to these people. 0.99

02:05:18.000 And then they get mad and attack us. 0.99

02:05:19.000 Maybe it's already happening.

02:05:22.000 They moved Tom Cruise to some secret hideaway.

02:05:25.000 Did you hear about this?

02:05:26.000 Yeah, this is a recent thing.

02:05:27.000 He moved into L. Ron Hubbard's mansion in England.

02:05:31.000 He's like fixing it up. 0.92

02:05:32.000 L. Ron Hubbard had an estate from which he prepared for the Thetans to come here from faraway galaxies to reclaim their frozen souls that melted in the volcano, or whatever the fuck the story is. 1.00

02:05:45.000 Shitty-ass writer. 1.00

02:05:47.000 Look at this. 1.00

02:05:47.000 Pull up the title of this. 1.00

02:05:51.000 A sprawling English estate fit for a king of Hollywood.

02:05:55.000 Tom Cruise set to pull up stakes and move to St. Hill Manor, the former home of founder L. Ron Hubbard at Church of Scientology UK headquarters. 0.98

02:06:06.000 Who out of anybody, who has kept it together in the face of being a part of a fucking wackadoo cult? 1.00

02:06:16.000 Like Tom Cruise. 1.00

02:06:17.000 The fucking guy never answers a question about it. 0.99

02:06:21.000 He's talked about it briefly over the years, and every time it's been a mistake... 1.00

02:06:25.000 But if he just keeps his fucking mouth shut and acts, he acts his little dick off, and he looks amazing. 1.00

02:06:30.000 He's a good actor. 1.00

02:06:31.000 He looks amazing.

02:06:32.000 He's in his 50s.

02:06:33.000 He looks like he's 30 years old.

02:06:34.000 He looks amazing.

02:06:35.000 And he's a great actor. 0.99

02:06:37.000 That fucking, what is it, the Tomorrow movie? 0.99

02:06:39.000 Yeah, they're making another one. 1.00

02:06:40.000 Edge of Tomorrow?

02:06:41.000 Is that what it's called?

02:06:41.000 That is a very good science fiction movie, and he's excellent in it.

02:06:45.000 He's fucking good, man. 0.98

02:06:47.000 That's amazing. 1.00

02:06:49.000 If he wasn't in a wacky cult...

02:06:53.000 If he was just a regular guy, would he be even bigger?

02:06:56.000 I mean, was he bigger before?

02:06:59.000 What's bigger?

02:07:00.000 Well, I know there was a drop-off after that whole glib thing.

02:07:03.000 Remember when he was accusing Brooke Shields of making a big mistake by taking psychotropic drugs for depression?

02:07:12.000 Remember that?

02:07:12.000 He had to make that comeback in Tropic Thunder.

02:07:15.000 There had to have been something.

02:07:17.000 Yeah, that was the comeback. 1.00

02:07:19.000 Well, it was because he really fucked up. 0.97

02:07:21.000 He got on TV with Matt Lauer, and he did this really weird interview, man, where he talked about the importance of not taking... 0.99

02:07:31.000 Drugs to treat depression and it was fucking strange, man. 0.80

02:07:36.000 It was really strange. 0.99

02:07:38.000 She's like, Matt, Matt, you're being glib.

02:07:40.000 You're being glib. 0.99

02:07:41.000 But it was so awkward and goofy because you realize like, oh, you don't even know how crazy you are. 0.74

02:07:48.000 Like, you're constantly surrounded by agents, other actors, managers, and people you love.

02:07:55.000 And people that love you. 0.93

02:07:56.000 So when you're sitting there talking to a guy like Matt Lauer, and you're explaining why Brooke Shields shouldn't take medicine to treat her depression, because you believe that a frozen Thetan was dropped into a volcano by a fucking god of thunder from some universe that was shaped like a thimble or something. 0.94

02:08:16.000 I mean, what? 0.95

02:08:19.000 Matt Lauer wanted to fight him when he called him glib.

02:08:21.000 He wanted to take Tom Cruise in a wrestling match when actor called him glib.

02:08:25.000 Come on.

02:08:26.000 I think it's arm wrestling.

02:08:27.000 No.

02:08:28.000 Is it really?

02:08:28.000 I think I saw arm wrestling.

02:08:30.000 It says wrestling.

02:08:31.000 A wrestling match?

02:08:32.000 Oh, it is.

02:08:33.000 He wanted to wrestle?

02:08:34.000 He told that to Andy Cohen, he said... 0.98

02:08:37.000 Might be some gay stuff. 0.96

02:08:39.000 You think some gay stuff there? 0.97

02:08:41.000 Why do you want to wrestle a guy? 1.00

02:08:42.000 I just want to get on top of you and dominate you. 1.00

02:08:45.000 Call me glib? 1.00

02:08:46.000 How about you choke on my glib dick? 1.00

02:08:50.000 What? 1.00

02:08:52.000 The moment he thought, can I take him in a wrestling match?

02:08:55.000 Could I tackle him on the set?

02:08:57.000 What? 1.00

02:08:57.000 Can you imagine how dumb you have to be? 1.00

02:08:59.000 The guy calls you glib and your reaction is you want to attack him? 1.00

02:09:03.000 Like you want to...

02:09:03.000 I was thinking, can I take him?

02:09:05.000 Can I take him?

02:09:06.000 Male posturing, Dom.

02:09:08.000 It's very dangerous.

02:09:09.000 I can't imagine doing that to Matt Lauer.

02:09:11.000 I would love Matt Lauer just tackling someone on a show and just ground and pounding them.

02:09:14.000 I would love to see that.

02:09:15.000 Matt Lauer just passes guard, moves to full mount, starts dropping elbows on people.

02:09:20.000 I don't think of him as a tough guy.

02:09:22.000 He's definitely not.

02:09:23.000 I worked with him a lot of times.

02:09:24.000 He used to be a guy in Philly.

02:09:25.000 He used to be the news guy in Philly.

02:09:27.000 Well, he might be a tough guy, but I mean, I just don't think of him as a guy who would assault someone for calling him glib. 1.00

02:09:32.000 You didn't call him a dumb fuck. 1.00

02:09:33.000 Like, listen, you dumb fuck. 1.00

02:09:34.000 You don't know shit about medicine. 1.00

02:09:35.000 I'm a Scientologist, okay, dude? 0.99

02:09:38.000 I know. 1.00

02:09:39.000 Fuck these psychologists. 1.00

02:09:41.000 Scientists. 1.00

02:09:44.000 Scientology's all you need, goddammit, Brooke Shields. 0.57

02:09:48.000 I don't know. 0.56

02:09:49.000 Poor Tom Cruise.

02:09:50.000 But it's amazing that he has stayed relevant.

02:09:54.000 I mean, there was that big drop-off after that, but then his talent pulled him through again.

02:09:58.000 He did a bunch of good movies.

02:09:59.000 Maybe it's because he does his own stunts. 1.00

02:10:01.000 So he's just a crazy motherfucker and people like him because of that. 1.00

02:10:04.000 He definitely does. 1.00

02:10:04.000 He does motorcycle stunts. 1.00

02:10:06.000 He does some dangerous shit. 1.00

02:10:07.000 He did the hanging on the plane thing? 1.00

02:10:09.000 You know, all those Mission Impossible movies.

02:10:10.000 He's done a lot of stuff.

02:10:11.000 He does a lot of stuff. 1.00

02:10:13.000 He's a bad motherfucker, man. 1.00

02:10:15.000 He's crazy as shit, but he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:10:17.000 You can be both. 1.00

02:10:19.000 Well, he started in Taps, I think it was.

02:10:22.000 Do you remember that movie?

02:10:22.000 Mm-hmm.

02:10:23.000 Yeah, well, he's been in a bunch of movies, man.

02:10:25.000 He was in that movie with Ralph Macchio. 0.99

02:10:28.000 What was that fucking movie? 1.00

02:10:30.000 Were they all, like, greasers and shit? 1.00

02:10:31.000 Yeah, the, uh... 1.00

02:10:33.000 God damn it. 0.99

02:10:34.000 Outsiders? 1.00

02:10:35.000 Yeah, The Outsiders.

02:10:36.000 He was great in that.

02:10:37.000 He was always great. 0.99

02:10:38.000 It's a fucking great movie. 0.99

02:11:00.000 Yeah, he's a great actor. 0.99

02:11:01.000 Sometimes a guy like that almost hurts a movie that's that good.

02:11:05.000 You expect him in a blockbuster, like a Mission Impossible, one of those action movies.

02:11:09.000 Totally makes sense.

02:11:10.000 But he's so goddamn good in this movie, I don't think people give him the credit that he deserves. 0.83

02:11:14.000 It's a good movie. 0.94

02:11:15.000 If you're into those kind of movies, I love a good sci-fi movie, and that's a great one.

02:11:21.000 It's one of the best sci-fi movies of the last few decades.

02:11:24.000 Will you say so, Jamie?

02:11:25.000 Yeah, they're getting ready to start to make another one, supposedly.

02:11:28.000 They're working on it right now.

02:11:29.000 Maybe they need a Dom Ayrera in this alien movie for a bit of humor. 0.98

02:11:35.000 Oh, Joseph. 1.00

02:11:36.000 For fuck's sake. 0.99

02:11:38.000 So when are you going to Sydney? 0.99

02:11:39.000 Or Australia?

02:11:40.000 Tomorrow night.

02:11:41.000 And what's the tour again?

02:11:43.000 I think I'm doing Sydney Opera House one night.

02:11:46.000 Nice! 0.94

02:11:47.000 I'm doing Sydney in Perth, and I know I have a gig in Newcastle in the daytime, a daytime bar gig, which should be funny.

02:11:54.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:11:55.000 Yeah.

02:11:55.000 On a night, do you have a show somewhere else?

02:11:58.000 That night?

02:11:59.000 I don't know.

02:12:00.000 So you're just going to do it in a day?

02:12:01.000 I mean, I don't have...

02:12:01.000 They have my schedule, but I haven't seen it yet.

02:12:04.000 So how many days are you over there for?

02:12:05.000 Three weeks.

02:12:06.000 Beautiful.

02:12:07.000 So we'll see you when you get back.

02:12:08.000 Joe, thank you for having me on.

02:12:09.000 Dominic, any time!

02:12:11.000 I love you, Joe.

02:12:12.000 I love you, too, brother.

02:12:14.000 Alright, folks.

02:12:14.000 That's it.

02:12:15.000 That's it for the week.

02:12:16.000 We'll be back next week with Ben Hoffman, the dude who's now the country music singer in Nashville, stand-up comic.

02:12:25.000 Yeah, he's going to be here on Monday.

02:12:27.000 His act is hilarious.

02:12:28.000 What is it?

02:12:28.000 Wheeler Walker?

02:12:29.000 Is that his character's name?

02:12:30.000 I didn't even know about that.

02:12:32.000 You didn't know about that?

02:12:33.000 We're going to find out. 0.99

02:12:35.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.96

02:12:36.000 I'll tell you everything. 0.89

02:12:37.000 Alright, goodnight, everybody.

02:12:38.000 Bye-bye.

02:12:39.000 See you soon.

02:12:42.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 13, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #785 - Dom Irrera

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Summary

Transcript