The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #870 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:03.000 Day one of legal marijuana, Bert Kreischer.

00:00:06.000 Does it feel any different?

00:00:07.000 Does it feel less naughty?

00:00:08.000 Uh, no.

00:00:09.000 I'm just worried that they're going to clog up the dispensaries.

00:00:11.000 The people will?

00:00:12.000 Yeah, because now you have to use to wait in the waiting room sometimes.

00:00:15.000 Right. 0.98

00:00:16.000 And now that it's going to be legal, I don't know how their, like, one-in-one-out thing, it's going to be a fucking nightmare. 0.96

00:00:20.000 Are they allowed to just open up now, the general public? 0.96

00:00:22.000 Is that how it works?

00:00:23.000 I was just looking right before we started.

00:00:25.000 I think they have until 2018 to start issuing licenses.

00:00:28.000 2018?

00:00:29.000 What?

00:00:29.000 The current dispensaries can only sell to their current patients.

00:00:32.000 What?

00:00:33.000 They can't sell to people walking off the street.

00:00:34.000 They're going to have to change some rules.

00:00:36.000 Oh.

00:00:36.000 But 2018, before they start giving out licenses?

00:00:39.000 They have until that long.

00:00:40.000 Oh, I see.

00:00:41.000 They can push it until that long.

00:00:42.000 Oh, if they wanted to hold back and dig their heels in.

00:00:45.000 Huh.

00:00:46.000 Interesting.

00:00:47.000 So we have, at the very most, a year... 0.99

00:00:51.000 Before it just becomes like Colorado, which is Colorado's goddamn wild west. 0.96

00:00:55.000 That's how long it took when it happened in Colorado, too. 0.98

00:00:57.000 It took them about a year before they figured everything out.

00:00:59.000 Have you been down and gone down to the areas of Colorado where they're selling pot now?

00:01:04.000 Yeah, I went with you.

00:01:06.000 Right, but did you, we didn't go down to any of the stores.

00:01:09.000 Yeah, I went to a couple stores on my own without you, I guess, yeah.

00:01:12.000 I've driven by them, but I haven't gone in and checked them out.

00:01:12.000 Yeah, I haven't.

00:01:16.000 But that's what's going to happen here.

00:01:18.000 It's going to be crazy.

00:01:19.000 And it's going to be better for everybody.

00:01:21.000 It's going to be better for the economy.

00:01:22.000 It's going to be better for people.

00:01:24.000 My wife doesn't smoke weed at all and voted yes.

00:01:27.000 I'm good.

00:01:27.000 You done?

00:01:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:30.000 She voted for yes to Prop 64. That might have been my favorite moment of the whole night last night.

00:01:37.000 Yeah, that's pretty awesome.

00:01:39.000 And by the way, I give 100% credit to Jamie.

00:01:41.000 That was like you gave me an ace in the hole.

00:01:43.000 I was sitting off the side.

00:01:44.000 I didn't even have a mic at the time, I don't think.

00:01:46.000 And Jamie just goes, breaking news.

00:01:50.000 We're good to go.

00:02:07.000 And he had passed that joint.

00:02:09.000 It had passed him a couple times.

00:02:10.000 He was like, I'm good.

00:02:11.000 I don't smoke pot.

00:02:12.000 I'm a whiskey guy. 1.00

00:02:14.000 And then he was like, fuck it. 1.00

00:02:16.000 Took a legit hit. 1.00

00:02:18.000 Yeah, he was stoned, too.

00:02:19.000 That was strong weed. 1.00

00:02:22.000 That's that LA Speedweed shit. 0.99

00:02:23.000 I don't know what strain he's got, but good Jesus, Lord, have mercy. 1.00

00:02:29.000 What a night.

00:02:30.000 Such a beautiful night.

00:02:31.000 That was probably the most fun I've ever had on a podcast.

00:02:34.000 I've said that before because we've had some fun ones together.

00:02:38.000 Oh, yeah.

00:02:38.000 But that one might have topped it off.

00:02:40.000 I don't think I've ever laughed any harder.

00:02:42.000 Like, Burr had me laughing harder than...

00:02:44.000 I mean, it's just as hard as you can laugh.

00:02:47.000 It was so fun.

00:02:48.000 Everything was fun.

00:02:49.000 Yeah.

00:02:50.000 Burr had me...

00:02:50.000 You had me with that line...

00:02:52.000 Did you guys see that picture of Trump looking at his wife voting?

00:02:56.000 And you were like...

00:02:59.000 I said, that's the look I give my dog when he gets too close to my cat. 1.00

00:03:02.000 Hey, motherfucker. 1.00

00:03:04.000 Leave her alone. 1.00

00:03:05.000 That whole show was so quick.

00:03:08.000 It was literally like they were doing Double Dutch with comedy.

00:03:13.000 And you had to know when to jump in and when to hop out.

00:03:17.000 And I said this to you this afternoon.

00:03:19.000 That first hour and 33 minutes was not that much talking over each other.

00:03:25.000 Well, something happened that I wasn't aware of, but people started just showing up that weren't invited and sat down.

00:03:31.000 I didn't know.

00:03:32.000 We're just sort of sorting that out now.

00:03:34.000 Like, there's microphones that were there, and, you know, there's people that we had asked to come that were kind of waiting to get on, and then other people just sort of walked in and got on.

00:03:42.000 I don't think it was clear to them.

00:03:43.000 I don't know how it was set up.

00:03:46.000 I don't know, but it's chaotic when you have more than two people.

00:03:50.000 Just two people is hard sometimes to manage conversations.

00:03:53.000 But then you get three and four, and then you're playing in front of a live audience, and then people are just coming in and jumping in.

00:03:59.000 So there was a couple of issues, I guess.

00:04:01.000 I wasn't paying too much attention.

00:04:02.000 We were too drunk.

00:04:03.000 We were gone.

00:04:04.000 You bailed out when you went and did a set.

00:04:07.000 Well, when I went and did a set, that's apparently when Burr and Sarah Tiana went at it.

00:04:11.000 I missed all the goodness.

00:04:13.000 Ow! 1.00

00:04:14.000 All I'll tell you is that I've been doing comedy 17 years.

00:04:19.000 I am well aware that Bill Burr's practice of comedy is to assemble brilliantly laid arguments that you wouldn't normally agree with.

00:04:27.000 To go head to head with him in a debate about porn would not be something I think would be wise of anyone.

00:04:34.000 Her position was, this is when I was leaving, her position was that people watch too much porn. 1.00

00:04:39.000 That men like porn too much. 0.76

00:04:41.000 Yeah, and it was about the condoms and porn moving to a different place. 0.99

00:04:47.000 And then it turned into the crossover states are just racists. 0.96

00:04:52.000 And just broad-stroking, kind of. 0.99

00:04:55.000 What Bill was doing, I think, I don't know, I was pretty fucked up at this time. 1.00

00:04:59.000 But he was disassembling what is this elitist liberal movement, which is, if you don't agree with me, you're a racist, rape apologist, sexist. 1.00

00:05:09.000 Right. 0.98

00:05:10.000 And Bill just was saying, that's not it.

00:05:13.000 Some people want change.

00:05:14.000 You know?

00:05:16.000 Yeah.

00:05:17.000 That is a real sweeping brush that people from both sides like to use, right?

00:05:21.000 The people on the right like to use it on the liberals.

00:05:24.000 The liberals like to use it on conservatives.

00:05:26.000 We like to paint people real obvious.

00:05:28.000 Put them in a box.

00:05:30.000 Make sure we can categorize them.

00:05:35.000 I think I might have accidentally started a little bit of it because I said, look, all you have to realize is there's just a disenfranchised part of America that feels like they're not being represented.

00:05:44.000 And then immediately, I think Sarah jumped on me and she was like, oh, you're talking about the racists?

00:05:49.000 And I was like, I don't know.

00:05:51.000 You can't say that.

00:05:52.000 You can't say that. 1.00

00:05:53.000 And by the way, I voted for fucking Hillary. 1.00

00:05:55.000 So I'm just saying what I'm noticing out of an election... 0.99

00:05:59.000 But I thought it was good of her to stand her ground and to say her point and not try to backpedal, and I appreciate that.

00:06:08.000 Well, you know, the problem is, the problem with that saying that anybody that voted for Trump is a racist, the real problem with that is because the only other alternative was Hillary, and Hillary was very flawed.

00:06:19.000 That's just the way it is, you know?

00:06:20.000 It's not an anti-woman thing to think that someone who has all the ties to corruption that she apparently does. 0.99

00:06:28.000 I mean, you can go into it all day long if you want to. 0.93

00:06:30.000 If you want to, like, look at the Clinton Foundation or any of the other crazy shit that those people are involved with, it's kind of legal, you know? 0.87

00:06:37.000 I mean, it's not really breaking any laws. 0.95

00:06:40.000 It's like, you can get away with doing all that stuff.

00:06:42.000 But all of it is like, oh, like, deleted emails and all that.

00:06:45.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:06:47.000 Like, what is this?

00:06:48.000 Yeah, and I think there was a large portion of America who just didn't want to share their opinion because they didn't want to be called a name.

00:06:56.000 There's real concerns, too, and people don't want to say this.

00:06:59.000 There's real concerns about her health.

00:07:01.000 Really?

00:07:02.000 She hurt her head in 2012 because she blacked out.

00:07:05.000 She blacked out, fell, fainted, and hit her head really bad, like really bad. 0.98

00:07:11.000 And apparently she was fucked up for like six months. 1.00

00:07:15.000 And this was 2012. That's only four years ago, man. 0.99

00:07:19.000 And that's a really significant head trauma.

00:07:21.000 And she was very eloquent in the debates.

00:07:25.000 She's really articulate. 1.00

00:07:26.000 I thought she kicked his ass in the debates. 1.00

00:07:27.000 I honestly did. 1.00

00:07:28.000 I thought she came off smoother, especially that second one. 0.99

00:07:31.000 He would say some crazy shit and she would smile. 0.99

00:07:34.000 I thought she handled it great. 1.00

00:07:36.000 And she was so much more eloquent and so much better economy of words.

00:07:42.000 The problem is, it's just, it's so hard to trust that she's telling you the truth.

00:07:49.000 You know, there's just too many things that she's been, like the difference between that Comey guy, what he said she had done with her email, and what she said she had done, and you play them back and forth.

00:07:57.000 You ever seen the video where they do that?

00:07:59.000 It's pretty shocking.

00:08:00.000 You know, what he says is very different than her descriptions of what he says.

00:08:04.000 You know, what he says is like, she violated some laws.

00:08:07.000 And what most people thought in the, apparently in the FBI, it's one of the things that people got upset at Comey, apparently, from this article I read at least.

00:08:15.000 They were saying that the people in the FBI were very disappointed because they thought that he should have pressed charges.

00:08:21.000 They thought that when they looked at all the evidence and all the stuff that he talked about, that he admitted that she had done that you can't do with classified data, she had violated all these laws. 0.99

00:08:30.000 Like, if you were a regular person, if you were a regular enlisted person, and you violated those same amount of laws, dude, you'd be fucked. 1.00

00:08:37.000 You would be fucked, Phil. 1.00

00:08:39.000 Really? 1.00

00:08:39.000 They'll put you in a goddamn cage, 100%. 1.00

00:08:41.000 Like, this sounds silly, but she just, like, they said, hey, we'd like to see your emails, and then she just got rid of them all? 0.99

00:08:47.000 She deleted them all.

00:08:48.000 She deleted 30,000 emails.

00:08:50.000 And she did it after a subpoena. 0.99

00:08:52.000 At least some of them after a subpoena.

00:08:54.000 I didn't know it was after a subpoena.

00:08:56.000 Find out how many emails she deleted after the subpoena.

00:09:01.000 I don't know you know the absolute specifics of it, but it's just it's my point is it wasn't like she was this awesome alternative You know so people that wanted change And they felt like what Hillary represented is a part of that big system as well as she says her words and is Stately she is and she's a much better representative of America in some ways than he is yeah,

00:09:26.000 but she's just too tied to corruption and All the stuff that she's done, all the experience she has in government, all that should be in her favor. 1.00

00:09:37.000 But for a lot of people, it wasn't this time.

00:09:39.000 For a lot of people, they're like, this government is just too intertwined with these businesses that support it and pay it money, and they're going to all these different foreign countries and getting paid exorbitant sums of money to talk.

00:09:53.000 It's like Bill Clinton was getting like half a million dollars to fly to these countries that have all these serious civil rights violations on their people.

00:10:04.000 Yeah, there was something that Clinton had done where he kept trying to push this one through.

00:10:09.000 See if you could find that.

00:10:11.000 There was this one...

00:10:13.000 Dictatorship that he wanted to go into he wanted to go and do speeches and they were like no You can't go there like that.

00:10:20.000 We're not supposed to visit that place these people are doing Things we don't look we don't agree with and he's like yeah Yeah, I got to go over there and I'm gonna do a speech.

00:10:27.000 So let's just try to get like he just wanted to do that speech He just wanted that cheddar That's, I think it's, what's interesting to me now is the population, on Twitter at least, of people, my friends, that voted for Hillary that are now just saying, 1.00

00:10:46.000 fuck the rest of the country, fuck, I'm out, this sucks. 0.99

00:10:51.000 It's like, like... 1.00

00:10:52.000 Did you see that the Canadian website, the immigration website broke?

00:10:56.000 It crashed.

00:10:57.000 It broke. 1.00

00:10:58.000 All the Americans were like, fuck this, I'm moving to Canada. 1.00

00:11:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:02.000 Has anyone ever done that, though? 1.00

00:11:03.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:05.000 Fuck yeah, especially Vancouver. 1.00

00:11:05.000 You think? 1.00

00:11:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:08.000 It's pretty warm.

00:11:09.000 It's like Seattle.

00:11:11.000 It's basically just like Seattle.

00:11:12.000 It's better than Seattle.

00:11:13.000 But I mean, like, weather-wise, it's pretty similar.

00:11:15.000 Yeah, it's probably identical, but there's something different about Vancouver that Seattle doesn't have.

00:11:21.000 What's that?

00:11:21.000 Like, almost like this...

00:11:24.000 Um, like, colonial, like, richness.

00:11:27.000 This European richness.

00:11:28.000 Like, do you know that bridge driving into Vancouver with the big lions?

00:11:32.000 Yeah.

00:11:32.000 And you're like, oh, this just looks like Lord of the Rings-y.

00:11:36.000 Yeah.

00:11:36.000 Like, it looks like it could be in Germany.

00:11:38.000 And everything's a little more lush or a little more overgrown.

00:11:41.000 I don't know.

00:11:41.000 Mm-hmm.

00:11:42.000 I like Seattle.

00:11:42.000 Seattle...

00:11:43.000 I love Seattle.

00:11:44.000 But the downtowns look similar.

00:11:45.000 But even still, like the downtowns in Vancouver, the food always seems just a little bit better than Seattle.

00:11:50.000 Wow, man.

00:11:50.000 Did you ever do...

00:11:51.000 That's a tough call.

00:11:52.000 They're both pretty fucking awesome. 0.99

00:11:54.000 You can't have shitty food in the Pacific Northwest. 0.99

00:11:56.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:11:57.000 You know, like Oregon, like Portland.

00:11:59.000 Portland's another place. 0.99

00:12:00.000 They have some fucking banging food in Portland. 1.00

00:12:02.000 Oh, dude. 0.99

00:12:04.000 Do you ever do...

00:12:04.000 Do you ever go to that...

00:12:06.000 Go to that little taco truck circle they have.

00:12:08.000 Yes, yes.

00:12:09.000 Dude, they have a Thai cheeseburger.

00:12:11.000 It's a cheeseburger with that, like, satay sauce, that peanut butter sauce.

00:12:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:16.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:12:17.000 And it's super spicy. 0.99

00:12:19.000 It's got sriracha in it, too. 0.98

00:12:20.000 Oh, I fucking love that. 0.99

00:12:21.000 Goddamn, it's good. 0.99

00:12:23.000 Bill Clinton sought State Department okay for paid speeches related to North Korea and the Congo. 0.96

00:12:33.000 Congo? 0.98

00:12:34.000 He's an animal! 1.00

00:12:35.000 They're cutting kids' hands off in the Congo. 0.97

00:12:38.000 I respect his game.

00:12:40.000 I respect his game.

00:12:41.000 He's like, there's a lot of paper for me over there.

00:12:43.000 I got to go get it. 0.99

00:12:45.000 I guarantee you when she got elected, he was like, fuck, I guess she'll be around the house a lot more. 0.99

00:12:49.000 Look at this. 0.96

00:12:50.000 It says, the FBI about the deleted emails between March 25th and March 31st, three weeks after the subpoena.

00:12:58.000 The campaign now says it only learned when the emails were deleted from the FBI report.

00:13:05.000 Hmm?

00:13:07.000 Wow.

00:13:09.000 How many emails?

00:13:10.000 Oh my god.

00:13:11.000 30,490 work-related emails on December 5th, 2014 and chose not to keep 31,830 emails she deemed personal.

00:13:23.000 Whoa.

00:13:24.000 That's interesting.

00:13:25.000 By the way, do you know how difficult that would be? 0.96

00:13:27.000 I have 33 unopened emails, 33,000 unopened emails on my thing, and sometimes I try, it's just like spam, and I try to clean it out, and it's a fucking nightmare.

00:13:36.000 Yeah, it's not easy to clean it out.

00:13:38.000 Yeah, you like select all, delete, but then you still, it only takes like 800. Yeah.

00:13:43.000 That would take fucking forever. 0.99

00:13:44.000 It would take forever. 0.99

00:13:45.000 What were you saying last night about...

00:13:47.000 Were you saying, like, if they... 1.00

00:13:49.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:13:50.000 If they went through our emails, what animals we'd look like? 1.00

00:13:55.000 I don't remember what I said, dude.

00:13:57.000 We were blasted.

00:13:58.000 We were talking about they went through all our emails.

00:14:02.000 I... Damn it. 1.00

00:14:06.000 Because they went through, the FBI went through a bunch of emails, deleted emails, right? 0.99

00:14:10.000 Yeah.

00:14:11.000 And I thought you said it last night.

00:14:13.000 I don't know.

00:14:14.000 But I was thinking, I used to do this test on my emails to find out, like, if someone went into my emails, how bad I'd look.

00:14:21.000 I used to do it with Segura, right?

00:14:23.000 You just go into the search and then type in keywords, like type in the N-word and see if it's ever been typed in my emails.

00:14:29.000 Oh, no. 0.98

00:14:29.000 Type in the word faggot and see if they, like, I've done that. 0.98

00:14:32.000 Also, the problem is we, especially as comedians, we fuck with each other in emails. 1.00

00:14:37.000 We talk mad shit to each other. 1.00

00:14:39.000 I mean, it's one of the funniest shows in Hollywood is that roast battle, right? 1.00

00:14:44.000 Yeah.

00:14:45.000 Like, comedians enjoy, like, I enjoy it when someone lights me up.

00:14:48.000 It's funny.

00:14:49.000 Like, Burr last night said I had a Little Rascals hat on. 1.00

00:14:54.000 Hey, you're over there with a fucking little rascal's hat on. 1.00

00:14:59.000 We like shitting on each other. 1.00

00:15:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:15:01.000 It's fun. 0.99

00:15:02.000 We like saying that we fucked each other's moms. 1.00

00:15:05.000 It's funny. 1.00

00:15:06.000 It's funny. 0.99

00:15:07.000 That roast battle is fucking brutal sometimes. 0.99

00:15:10.000 It's brutal. 1.00

00:15:11.000 But, like, we all say shit to each other all the time. 1.00

00:15:14.000 Like, Ari and I do that all the time. 1.00

00:15:17.000 He'll say something like, yeah, well, I was fucking your mom all day, dude. 0.99

00:15:21.000 I got tired. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Just out of nowhere.

00:15:24.000 Like, whoa, my mom?

00:15:26.000 What was she like?

00:15:27.000 Salty.

00:15:28.000 Whoa, dude.

00:15:30.000 I just was texting back and forth with Ari the other day. 0.93

00:15:35.000 Ari's a savage. 0.96

00:15:36.000 He just filmed his special in Austin. 0.74

00:15:38.000 Said he was super happy.

00:15:40.000 Speaking of specials, Burt Kreischer!

00:15:41.000 Oh, yes! 1.00

00:15:42.000 This fucking Friday night! 1.00

00:15:43.000 The Machine! 1.00

00:15:45.000 September or November?

00:15:46.000 No, November. 1.00

00:15:47.000 We're going back in time, motherfuckers! 1.00

00:15:49.000 November 11th on Showtime at 10 p.m. 1.00

00:15:52.000 The Machine.

00:15:52.000 Yeah.

00:15:53.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:15:54.000 That looks fun, dude. 1.00

00:15:56.000 Where'd you film?

00:15:57.000 At the Irvine Improv. 1.00

00:15:58.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:15:59.000 I went back with you, Ari, Joey, Tom. 1.00

00:16:03.000 I texted everyone because everyone's been doing specials and I've been doing Travel Channel for seven years.

00:16:07.000 Right.

00:16:08.000 So I was like, hey, what insights?

00:16:09.000 And the consensus everyone had was like, I don't do theaters. 0.98

00:16:14.000 What the fuck am I doing in a theater? 0.99

00:16:15.000 So I'm going to do it in a club. 0.99

00:16:16.000 That's what I do.

00:16:17.000 And the other thing, I was like, I've been doing stand-up shirtless for seven years. 0.99

00:16:21.000 I'm fucking doing it shirtless. 0.65

00:16:24.000 Which was before the... 0.97

00:16:26.000 Why do you like that?

00:16:26.000 Why do you like just throwing that shirt off?

00:16:28.000 It just makes you free.

00:16:29.000 I'm a Tampa guy.

00:16:30.000 I'm a Florida kid.

00:16:33.000 Last night I was in jeans and flip-flops.

00:16:35.000 You were.

00:16:36.000 You were wearing flip-flops.

00:16:37.000 You're like, he's got flip-flops on.

00:16:39.000 Yeah, I did it shirtless.

00:16:41.000 And then Tom and I got in that fat-shaming battle.

00:16:45.000 Dude, people got so mad.

00:16:48.000 People got so mad about that.

00:16:49.000 I saw people being mean to Tom, being mean to you. 0.99

00:16:52.000 I'm like, wow, folks, you don't see that they're fucking around here? 0.97

00:16:55.000 Oh, the worst was when it was poignant. 0.99

00:16:58.000 My wife's friend passed away, and I left a comment on her picture of her and her mom.

00:17:06.000 It was like four in the morning when I saw it.

00:17:07.000 I was like, hey...

00:17:08.000 So sorry for your loss, we'll see you today.

00:17:10.000 And then, I guess someone saw me post on there, one of Tom's fans, and they wrote, sorry for your loss, did Burt sit on your mom?

00:17:19.000 And I was... 0.96

00:17:21.000 Immediately, Tom finds that fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:17:24.000 But this lady's like, hey... 1.00

00:17:26.000 And then it was just like, yeah, Burt's fat as fuck. 1.00

00:17:28.000 They just fill it up. 1.00

00:17:29.000 And she was like, dad, your fans are dicks. 0.99

00:17:32.000 I was like, those aren't my fans, I don't think. 0.99

00:17:35.000 So we did the fashioning battle, and then Tom...

00:17:37.000 I show Tom the thing from my special, and he's like, oh god, you did this shirtless?

00:17:42.000 This is gonna get bad, Bert!

00:17:45.000 And him and Christina just did a big preamble on the beginning of their podcast about me shirtless.

00:17:52.000 Yeah, you did it last night.

00:17:53.000 Somewhere early.

00:17:54.000 Yeah.

00:17:55.000 I like it.

00:17:56.000 As soon as it comes off, I feel free.

00:17:57.000 I know, I can tell.

00:17:58.000 I'm like, wow, that's interesting.

00:18:00.000 Because it's almost like a psychological button that you have.

00:18:02.000 You take that shirt off and you're like, yes!

00:18:06.000 Freedom!

00:18:06.000 It's like, it makes you tingle.

00:18:08.000 Yeah.

00:18:09.000 Yeah.

00:18:09.000 I get it.

00:18:10.000 It's my long hair.

00:18:11.000 My Thor, Samson's long hair.

00:18:13.000 I did it in a meeting one time because I was like, I get...

00:18:17.000 I get meetings, and I'll get like pit sweaty, you know?

00:18:20.000 And then you can see it in the shirt, and nothing looks worse than that.

00:18:23.000 So you just took your shirt off. 0.99

00:18:24.000 Just walked in, took my fucking shirt off. 1.00

00:18:26.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:18:27.000 Sold a sitcom.

00:18:31.000 Oh, wow, that's hilarious.

00:18:32.000 Yeah, why not, man?

00:18:33.000 Why is that such a big deal?

00:18:35.000 Why is it?

00:18:35.000 The whole thing, the thing that I'm stuck with in stand-up is like, especially doing my next hour, is like, we get caught up into these, and I was talking to Justin Enbrook about this, we get caught up in these mechanisms of this is what we have to do.

00:18:46.000 There was a period where every comic had to have a sweatshirt, New Balance sneakers, a hoodie, you know, and everyone did the same thing, and then you see someone like Judah Freelander doing something totally different, and you're like, oh, fuck, that really separates itself from the pack. 0.91

00:18:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:18:59.000 But you, I... My only problem is like, and I've talked to, I've thought about this, and I've talked to you about it, is I don't have to do stand-up every time with my fucking shirt off. 0.98

00:19:10.000 Like, I don't need to have my shirt off to do stand-up. 0.94

00:19:13.000 I like to have it off.

00:19:14.000 When was the last time you did a set with it on?

00:19:16.000 Anytime I'm at the store.

00:19:18.000 Oh.

00:19:18.000 Yeah.

00:19:18.000 Hmm.

00:19:19.000 How come?

00:19:20.000 I don't know.

00:19:21.000 I feel like it's disrespectful in a weird way.

00:19:25.000 Hmm.

00:19:26.000 Because it's not your show?

00:19:28.000 You mean because it's like 15-minute sets?

00:19:30.000 Yeah, it's a 15-minute set in the OR. And I have done it, by the way.

00:19:34.000 I have done it.

00:19:35.000 But for the most part, I don't.

00:19:36.000 Because I'm like, you know, I'm only doing 15 minutes.

00:19:38.000 I'm really there to work on material to see if it works.

00:19:40.000 That would be like Chris Rock going up and doing his inflections.

00:19:45.000 Like, I need to see if this works. 1.00

00:19:46.000 And that OR man's a fucking beast. 0.99

00:19:48.000 Like, there's no other better place in the world to find it if something works. 1.00

00:19:51.000 Yeah, it's a gym. 0.99

00:19:52.000 It's also, like, people have seen a lot of goddamn comedy. 0.99

00:19:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:56.000 You know? 0.99

00:19:57.000 It's a lot of...

00:19:58.000 I mean, it's beautiful.

00:20:00.000 It's the best spot ever.

00:20:01.000 I mean, that room has got more history in it than any room in the country.

00:20:05.000 You know?

00:20:06.000 You feel it.

00:20:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:08.000 And it's...

00:20:09.000 For some reason, it just doesn't...

00:20:11.000 Whatever the mojo in there is, you take a bit that would kill on the road and you bring it in there and they find its flaws.

00:20:18.000 They find the lazy writing, they find the overcompensation with inflection or energy.

00:20:25.000 I took two bits in there and I worked them out.

00:20:28.000 It was probably a month ago.

00:20:30.000 Worked them out three nights, then took them on the road, and they just were so much better.

00:20:36.000 I was like, wow.

00:20:37.000 And the stories, too.

00:20:38.000 The other thing about the OR is it doesn't necessarily lend itself great to storytelling. 0.98

00:20:43.000 It's more of like a punch and jab, fuck with the audience, dancing type of thing. 0.96

00:20:48.000 But I went up there and did 15 minutes and told two stories. 0.99

00:20:52.000 And now they're working great.

00:20:54.000 Yeah, it's definitely a good workout room.

00:20:57.000 Yeah, I like the belly room too.

00:20:59.000 The belly room might be almost better sometimes. 0.95

00:21:02.000 It's so intimate, so small.

00:21:04.000 What is it, like 80 people?

00:21:05.000 I have no idea.

00:21:07.000 Dude, they have those, I think they've got a new material show there tonight.

00:21:11.000 Have you ever done that with Nick Yusuf?

00:21:12.000 I did that with you.

00:21:14.000 That joke about Helen Keller and Anne Frank came out.

00:21:18.000 Was that the new material night or was that the stand-up on the spot night?

00:21:21.000 Stand-up on the spot, that's Jeremiah Watkins' show where the audience will yell out topics.

00:21:27.000 You literally have no idea.

00:21:29.000 That was stand-up on the spot.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, it was that one.

00:21:31.000 But the other one is Nick Youssef's show, which is a new material.

00:21:35.000 It's like, only stuff that you're working on, like, you know, police yourself.

00:21:40.000 Whether it's, you know, you've done it like ten times, you know, it's not new anymore.

00:21:44.000 Like, whatever that number is, where it becomes not new.

00:21:47.000 But when it is new, like, this is like an opportunity to work only on stuff that's brand new.

00:21:52.000 Yeah.

00:21:53.000 My problem is I write on stage.

00:21:56.000 I like to just be on the fly and riffing, because I think the adrenaline of the stage makes me think quicker. 0.87

00:22:03.000 And then a lot of times what I'll do is I'll write on stage, and I will go for the easier punchline, meaning the premise will be good, and sometimes I won't have the perfect punchline, but I go, oh, that could be so much fucking better. 0.80

00:22:14.000 Right.

00:22:15.000 Yeah, that stand-up on the spot show is perfect for you because you can just get loose.

00:22:20.000 I love that.

00:22:21.000 That's a fun show, dude.

00:22:23.000 It's a great way to come up with a material.

00:22:24.000 I think there's a bunch of different ways to come up with material.

00:22:27.000 You gotta do them all if you can. 1.00

00:22:30.000 Pay attention to shit. 0.99

00:22:31.000 I haven't purged my act in forever. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Because I literally didn't shoot a special for seven years because I was just working.

00:22:39.000 So I didn't have enough time.

00:22:41.000 And man, getting this hour out and putting it out and releasing it and knowing...

00:22:46.000 I mean, I'm a little married to the machine story.

00:22:49.000 But knowing that...

00:22:51.000 It's amazing what a blessing and a curse that is to be like.

00:22:56.000 When I met you, if you had said to me that first time, you said, hey man, we're going to hang out and this is going to change your life.

00:23:03.000 You're going to tell one story and you'll be known as that.

00:23:05.000 It's going to be cool.

00:23:06.000 You're going to sell a book from it.

00:23:08.000 You're going to get TV shows and you're going to do hour specials from it.

00:23:11.000 It's going to be fun. 0.99

00:23:12.000 I would've been like, fuck yeah! 0.98

00:23:15.000 And then you have it, and you're like, and there was a date the other night, and I'm like, 53 minutes into my set, and someone's like, you're telling the story, right? 1.00

00:23:22.000 And I'm like, fuck. 0.99

00:23:25.000 Wow. 1.00

00:23:26.000 And I've had people in the front row going, don't worry, man, you don't have to do it tonight. 1.00

00:23:30.000 Oh my god, it's a blind fuck. 1.00

00:23:33.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:23:35.000 You don't have to do it tonight. 1.00

00:23:36.000 It's always women. 1.00

00:23:37.000 Always women are like, hey man, I had a great time even if you don't tell the story. 0.99

00:23:42.000 And I'll be like, okay.

00:23:43.000 And then immediately it's a dude who brought five of his friends.

00:23:47.000 He's like, dude, I told him you're telling the machine story.

00:23:51.000 You're telling the machine story.

00:23:52.000 And I don't ever want to let anyone down.

00:23:54.000 Dude, that is the coolest thing in the world that anyone knows me for anything. 0.98

00:23:58.000 And it's a great fucking story. 0.99

00:24:00.000 It's a great story. 1.00

00:24:01.000 I literally sometimes don't believe it myself.

00:24:04.000 Like, I go, there's no way.

00:24:06.000 But I've had people come to my shows from my class, stand up on stage with me.

00:24:10.000 100% true!

00:24:12.000 I wish I was there.

00:24:14.000 Sort of.

00:24:15.000 Sounds very dicey. 0.99

00:24:18.000 That's a great fucking story though, dude. 0.99

00:24:19.000 I remember when you were telling, I was like, what? 0.99

00:24:22.000 It was one of those, what?

00:24:24.000 Dude, you've lived a very bizarre life. 0.99

00:24:26.000 Oh, you don't have to fucking tell me. 0.98

00:24:30.000 It's very weird, because you're such a nice guy, too. 0.99

00:24:34.000 You're such a nice guy who's also a wild man.

00:24:37.000 Yeah.

00:24:38.000 You've got a weird combination of traits.

00:24:41.000 You know, you've had these wild fucking crazy experiences, but you're a super friendly, easy to hang out with guy. 0.99

00:24:48.000 You'd think that a guy's seen as much shit as you've seen. 0.99

00:24:51.000 All the different places you've been, you'd be a little worn out by it. 0.99

00:24:56.000 I think when I got done Burt the Conqueror doing that season, I was like, I need a break.

00:25:02.000 I was like, I need to do stand-up.

00:25:04.000 Because it just tears on you.

00:25:05.000 We had a conversation about it once.

00:25:08.000 Yeah, me and Bill Burr one night talked about it.

00:25:10.000 That's right, yeah.

00:25:11.000 You said something very fascinating to me that night.

00:25:15.000 You're like, how much money is enough money?

00:25:17.000 Comparatively speaking.

00:25:19.000 Is spending the whole year away to double your money, does it matter?

00:25:25.000 Or can you get by on this and really do what you love and be filled with all the friends and the work that you love?

00:25:32.000 My problem is I know how funny you are.

00:25:34.000 And I know that there's no way...

00:25:37.000 You could be at your best if you're off like months and months at a time doing that show.

00:25:42.000 I thought I was.

00:25:43.000 When you said that to me, I was like, I remember thinking like, I go up all the time, but I was wrong.

00:25:49.000 I was lying to myself, because I was going up once, twice, twice a month, doing two dates out of the month, but there was a whole portion of the month where I wasn't working, and I wasn't writing.

00:25:59.000 I wasn't thinking comedy.

00:26:01.000 That's the biggest difference.

00:26:02.000 When you're in production, you're thinking production.

00:26:04.000 You're thinking, what's our call time?

00:26:05.000 What's our heart out?

00:26:07.000 That's where your mind's occupied.

00:26:09.000 And when you're a stand-up man, it's just there.

00:26:11.000 That's all you're thinking.

00:26:15.000 And that's how you get better at it. 0.99

00:26:16.000 And you have to be going up all the fucking time. 0.99

00:26:19.000 All the time. 0.99

00:26:20.000 Like, that's the other thing, man.

00:26:21.000 And Adam Egan changed my life for the better.

00:26:24.000 By passing me at the store and letting me be a paid regular, it gave me so much more momentum and passion about it. 0.94

00:26:32.000 Because I was like, fuck, I'm going up to the best place in the world to do stand-up comedy. 0.97

00:26:35.000 And I'm getting spots. 0.99

00:26:36.000 Whenever I call in, I'll get a spot. 0.99

00:26:37.000 They're cool as fuck. 0.97

00:26:38.000 And I'm only home, you know, three days a week, but if I'm going up twice a week or at least once a week, you really feel the difference in your act. 0.99

00:26:45.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:26:47.000 And if you can go to other clubs, too, man.

00:26:49.000 Like, I like going, like, do a set at the Improv, shoot over and do a set at the Comedy Store.

00:26:53.000 I've done three in a night.

00:26:55.000 Which is big for LA. In New York, they're laughing at us.

00:26:57.000 Yeah.

00:26:58.000 Because those guys will do like 10 different sets a night, hopping from one place to another.

00:27:01.000 But I've done the Laugh Factory, the Store, and the Ha Ha all in one night.

00:27:07.000 Or no, the Improv, the Store, and the Ha Ha all in one night.

00:27:10.000 It's so different, man.

00:27:13.000 You do a set in one place, and you get sort of a vibe of what comedy is.

00:27:16.000 Then you're in a set of just completely different energy in the room, completely different vibe of the people, and then, all right, bye, folks.

00:27:22.000 And then you run over and do a different set, and now it's a totally different vibe as well.

00:27:26.000 And mostly, I was going up with the same material, so it was real strange.

00:27:31.000 There's different feels to different places and different crowds.

00:27:35.000 When Joey was getting ready for his hour, he was hitting it.

00:27:39.000 I mean, easily two spots a night.

00:27:41.000 And we live right next door to each other practically, so he just calls me up and he'd be like, dog, I got us down for two spots tonight.

00:27:49.000 Like, he would just call my avail in with his and know we're going together.

00:27:53.000 Nice.

00:27:53.000 Go to the Dark Horse Saloon.

00:27:55.000 Oh, beautiful.

00:27:56.000 It was a fun dead room.

00:27:59.000 Meaning it's not packed out.

00:28:01.000 Joey's not promoting it.

00:28:03.000 I'm not promoting it.

00:28:03.000 And it's just people coming in to see a show.

00:28:06.000 And you really got a vibe of like, this works. 1.00

00:28:09.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

00:28:10.000 And then he'd be like, on to the haha. 1.00

00:28:13.000 Yeah.

00:28:13.000 And we...

00:28:15.000 I remember going to the Ha-Ha with Joey one time.

00:28:17.000 I said, let's go to Flappers in Burbank, and then we'll go to the Ha-Ha. 0.95

00:28:21.000 I go, we'll go to Flappers in Burbank, and he goes, and then we go to the Ha-Ha. 0.97

00:28:24.000 I got a thing lined up.

00:28:25.000 And I was like, I've never been to the Ha-Ha.

00:28:27.000 I pull up, and our faces, our names are on the billboard.

00:28:31.000 Our faces are out there.

00:28:32.000 They meet us at the car.

00:28:34.000 Bert, you're running late.

00:28:35.000 You got to get on stage right now.

00:28:36.000 I'm like, Joey, what did you sign us up for?

00:28:40.000 He didn't even tell you?

00:28:41.000 He didn't even tell me!

00:28:42.000 He just booked a show?

00:28:43.000 He just booked us on a show!

00:28:45.000 It's hilarious.

00:28:46.000 He really is one of the funniest, funniest...

00:28:49.000 Like, me and you said this today, Bill Burr is one of the funniest human beings alive. 0.96

00:28:53.000 Joey Diaz, you can say that statement exactly, and it means the exact same fucking thing. 0.87

00:28:59.000 Yeah, we were just talking about that before you got here. 0.98

00:29:01.000 We were trying to figure out...

00:29:02.000 I think that's in my running for the two funniest people alive is Burr and Diaz.

00:29:07.000 That's my running.

00:29:08.000 For me, I was crying last night. 1.00

00:29:10.000 Fucking crying. 0.99

00:29:12.000 And he just grabs the reins, man. 1.00

00:29:13.000 He just grabbed the reins and ran with it.

00:29:15.000 It was beautiful.

00:29:16.000 Do you know when your soul's like a...

00:29:18.000 You just made that up on the spot.

00:29:20.000 Your soul's like a...

00:29:21.000 What did he say?

00:29:23.000 A pixelation of your soul.

00:29:25.000 And then you watch that.

00:29:26.000 They gotta take one of those squares away.

00:29:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:29:29.000 He's just fucking on. 0.99

00:29:31.000 It was a great analogy. 1.00

00:29:32.000 You and him.

00:29:32.000 I said this to Tommy this morning.

00:29:34.000 We talked about the show.

00:29:36.000 I was literally walking around giggling, recounting it.

00:29:40.000 And I told Tommy, I said, man, I wish you had been there just to see Burr and Rogan.

00:29:45.000 Because the two of you were the driving forces.

00:29:48.000 Doug was bringing in the reins.

00:29:51.000 He would be like, all right, what we're doing tonight?

00:29:53.000 And you're like, Doug, they already know that.

00:29:54.000 And they're like, okay, I'm going to go check on Manson.

00:29:56.000 And then...

00:29:57.000 But you and Bill were the ones driving that.

00:29:59.000 And I swear to God when I say this, I literally started to move the mic from my face because I was afraid I was laughing too much.

00:30:08.000 That you'd just hear me just... 0.95

00:30:10.000 There was a point where I thought I was going to fucking pass out. 0.97

00:30:13.000 And I was like breathing. 0.97

00:30:15.000 I have not laughed that hard in forever.

00:30:19.000 Well, it's also, it felt like we were doing something cool.

00:30:22.000 Like, we all got together and we joked around about this crazy thing that was happening for us. 0.58

00:30:28.000 And apparently, folks, the live stream, if you were listening, sucked.

00:30:32.000 We didn't know that you were only getting it through one ear.

00:30:36.000 I don't know what to do about that.

00:30:38.000 The video's up now, though, on YouTube.

00:30:40.000 The video's been fixed.

00:30:42.000 Powerful Jamie.

00:30:43.000 The full video's up?

00:30:44.000 Yeah, the video's up.

00:30:45.000 And we fixed the audio issues that existed before, so it'll come at you in both speakers.

00:30:52.000 Sorry about that.

00:30:53.000 I guess that was a really annoying thing to stream like that, but whatever.

00:30:56.000 I kept thinking this could be...

00:30:58.000 I mean, I don't think anyone on that stage would do it for this. 0.99

00:31:02.000 This could be a fucking TV show. 0.98

00:31:04.000 But why? 1.00

00:31:06.000 Let's just do that.

00:31:07.000 Let's just do that again.

00:31:08.000 That's what Bill said.

00:31:09.000 See, the thing is with TV shows, I did something today for a friend of mine.

00:31:12.000 He's got a car show.

00:31:14.000 And I went to him.

00:31:15.000 We were talking about suspensions.

00:31:17.000 And he crafts Steve Stroop.

00:31:19.000 He makes all these really cool muscle cars.

00:31:22.000 And there's this crew that's talking to them, and they got cameras, and they're nice folks.

00:31:27.000 There's nothing wrong with them.

00:31:28.000 But it's just everyone's got this, okay, now stand over here.

00:31:31.000 Now we're going to come towards you here. 0.99

00:31:33.000 So as we come around the car, like that kind of shit, and you're like, okay, now be normal. 0.99

00:31:37.000 You try to be normal. 0.99

00:31:38.000 It feels weird, right?

00:31:39.000 But if you're just doing it like we're doing it.

00:31:42.000 If you're doing something like a podcast like that, just a podcast, that's it.

00:31:46.000 As soon as you start bringing it, okay, Bert, we're going to go live in five.

00:31:49.000 Now, can you pick it up from what you said about the machine?

00:31:54.000 Yeah.

00:31:55.000 Can you do that machine thing again?

00:31:56.000 And you would have to do it again.

00:31:58.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:00.000 If you wanted to do it as a TV show, there'd be all sorts of other people in the fucking kitchen. 0.99

00:32:04.000 Let me get in my jizz in the soup there. 0.98

00:32:06.000 Yeah, and you'd only do it for 22 minutes.

00:32:09.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:32:10.000 So that's where you lose the...

00:32:11.000 You lose everything.

00:32:14.000 It's live. 0.99

00:32:15.000 It's live, and it's fun, and it's friends busting each other's balls and talking shit about the world, about how wacky this world is. 1.00

00:32:26.000 Dan Hope outed me for my fucking face herpes, my cold sores. 1.00

00:32:31.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

00:32:33.000 That's a true story, though. 1.00

00:32:34.000 I was mocking him because he gets him on his penis. 1.00

00:32:37.000 And I was like, oh, but I get him on my face. 1.00

00:32:40.000 It's even worse.

00:32:40.000 You can see him.

00:32:44.000 I love the way he starts sentences, though.

00:32:47.000 I have herpes!

00:32:51.000 He was on fire last night, too.

00:32:53.000 He was on fire when Fitzsimmons said something that didn't land.

00:32:56.000 Doug goes, now I understand why talk shows have lead-in questions.

00:33:02.000 Yeah, he was a little hostile to some of the guests.

00:33:06.000 He was definitely, and then at one point he was laying in my lap.

00:33:09.000 That's one of my favorite pictures of my life. 1.00

00:33:11.000 Was he sucking on your nipple? 1.00

00:33:12.000 He sucked on my nipple. 1.00

00:33:13.000 When Sarah and Bill started fighting too much, he would try to break up the tension by sucking on my nipple. 1.00

00:33:18.000 Wow. 0.98

00:33:19.000 Was it entertaining, the Bill and Sarah thing?

00:33:23.000 It was for me.

00:33:25.000 I liked it.

00:33:26.000 I don't hate either of them, so I'm sure to the average viewer who maybe doesn't know Sarah but loves Bill, they're like, why would you disagree with him?

00:33:35.000 He's the best.

00:33:36.000 Right, but the problem with those conversations is, as much as I would probably agree, that's just my opinion.

00:33:44.000 And there's got to be someone out there that's like, yeah, Sarah.

00:33:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:33:48.000 I'm sure there's people.

00:33:49.000 Oh, there are definitely women that... 1.00

00:33:51.000 Well, I don't know if any women were on the live stream, but... 1.00

00:33:53.000 We had four women watching the live stream. 1.00

00:33:55.000 Are you serious?

00:33:56.000 There was 6,000 humans at any given time.

00:33:59.000 How many people were streaming it?

00:34:01.000 Most I saw was like $35,000, $33,000, something like that at one time. 0.97

00:34:05.000 Holy crap.

00:34:06.000 So there's been videos that were up that we took down on YouTube. 0.99

00:34:11.000 They were up and they were private, but the sound was fucked up still. 0.89

00:34:14.000 That's why they were private. 0.89

00:34:15.000 We were trying to fix the sound.

00:34:16.000 So the full version is uploaded now.

00:34:18.000 Oh, I know how they found that unlisted video, because every one of us tweeted the link to the video on our Facebook live pages, or our Facebook pages.

00:34:29.000 Oh, I see.

00:34:30.000 Because I was looking for it this morning, and I couldn't find it, and I was like, wait, did we not record that?

00:34:34.000 I was like, that would stink if we missed that.

00:34:36.000 Oh yeah, that would suck hard.

00:34:38.000 I forgot to hit record.

00:34:41.000 Yeah, that was...

00:34:42.000 Dude, we could do that again.

00:34:43.000 But next time we do it, we can't just have people just walk on the stage and just sit down there.

00:34:47.000 I didn't know that that was going on.

00:34:50.000 And, you know, we have a specific amount of people that we do it with, because anything more than three or four gets really hard.

00:34:56.000 I figured Doug was putting people on stage, because he definitely put Brendan Walsh on stage.

00:34:59.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

00:35:00.000 But Brendan's a good friend.

00:35:01.000 We've known him forever.

00:35:02.000 And he wasn't even on for that long. 0.97

00:35:04.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:35:05.000 He really is. 0.99

00:35:06.000 That dude's so funny. 0.95

00:35:07.000 He's so crazy, too.

00:35:08.000 Doug was telling the story about Bingo having a seizure and hitting her head, and Brendan goes, I've had a few girlfriends have seizures when they don't cook the food right.

00:35:17.000 Ha ha ha!

00:35:22.000 Oh, man.

00:35:24.000 So if you've been paying attention to all these people's reactions, everyone's trying to figure out why Trump won.

00:35:32.000 It's really fascinating.

00:35:34.000 It's fascinating to see people freak out.

00:35:36.000 People are crying. 0.99

00:35:38.000 People are fucking crying. 1.00

00:35:40.000 Oh, they stormed out of a school in Arizona. 1.00

00:35:41.000 The kids marched out of a school to protest the president-elect.

00:35:47.000 Whoa.

00:35:48.000 Whoa.

00:35:49.000 This is crazy.

00:35:51.000 Now, there is a weird energy when Trump gave his speech last night.

00:35:55.000 It was almost like the bully saying, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.

00:35:59.000 He was like, now we can be...

00:36:01.000 It was kind of weird because he has not been super inclusive.

00:36:05.000 And then all of a sudden he's like, we need to heal together.

00:36:07.000 And you're like, yeah, you totally feel that way. 0.97

00:36:09.000 But part of me goes, is there a part of him that fucking hates everyone that doesn't like him? 0.91

00:36:14.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.98

00:36:15.000 Yeah.

00:36:16.000 He certainly, I mean, he's, look, he's a super businessman.

00:36:21.000 And super businessmen, they're like, they're game players.

00:36:24.000 They're playing a game. 0.99

00:36:25.000 So if you move towards them, you know, and you make a move, they want to make a move to counter your move and fuck you up. 0.99

00:36:31.000 Like, that's Donald Trump's personality. 0.94

00:36:32.000 That's why he sues all those people that, you know, he's involved in altercations with.

00:36:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:37.000 He just fucking squashes shit. 1.00

00:36:39.000 He doesn't like, you know, if people are talking shit about him. 1.00

00:36:43.000 But once you become president, you've got to let all that go. 0.99

00:36:47.000 You have to.

00:36:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:49.000 You can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy. 1.00

00:36:52.000 Did you watch that video? 1.00

00:36:54.000 Oh, God, yes.

00:36:55.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

00:36:55.000 You can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy when you're in your 60s. 1.00

00:36:59.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:37:01.000 You just can't. 1.00

00:37:01.000 You can't do that. 1.00

00:37:02.000 You can't do that anymore.

00:37:03.000 Definitely now that you're the president, please stop doing that.

00:37:07.000 It's just, don't do it.

00:37:09.000 You can think it, but don't do it.

00:37:11.000 And even if you think it, why are you even bothering?

00:37:13.000 What do you care?

00:37:13.000 They gotta get rid of his Twitter immediately.

00:37:15.000 Nope.

00:37:16.000 Nope, let him keep tweeting.

00:37:19.000 Let him keep tweeting.

00:37:20.000 Who cares?

00:37:21.000 Why not? 0.99

00:37:22.000 Dude, political correctness just took a missile to the dick. 0.95

00:37:25.000 Now, do you think that's good or bad for stand-up? 0.98

00:37:30.000 Unquestionably good.

00:37:31.000 Unquestionably good.

00:37:32.000 In every way, shape, or form.

00:37:33.000 Really?

00:37:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:37:35.000 It's good because he's gonna do some goofy shit. 1.00

00:37:37.000 He's gonna say some ridiculous things. 1.00

00:37:39.000 I mean, right now, if you said something, like, I like to go up and grab a woman by the pussies, everyone would be like, that has to be acceptable because half of America is not offended by that. 1.00

00:37:52.000 Dude, see... 0.99

00:37:53.000 I'm a believer in that the president, in a lot of ways, shapes the mindset of the country.

00:38:00.000 Because it's just a natural thing that happens in tribes.

00:38:03.000 You know, if you have one fierce tribal leader in a tribe, I guarantee you the warriors that are in that tribe will also be fierce. 0.99

00:38:10.000 Because they'll be under the guidance of the one wild fucking guy. 0.98

00:38:14.000 I mean, that's how fierce armies get put together. 1.00

00:38:18.000 You have to have a badass fucking general. 0.98

00:38:21.000 Well, when your president is this guy who rarely gets riled up about anything, he's not emotional at all, he's super articulate, and really well-spoken, and he's a great orator, that's Barack Obama, right? 0.99

00:38:32.000 I mean, that's what you would think of when you think of a presidential person.

00:38:36.000 He's probably the most presidential guy we've ever had as president.

00:38:40.000 But then you go with Trump.

00:38:42.000 He's not doing that at all.

00:38:45.000 Like, he's just rocking it a totally different way.

00:38:48.000 Yeah.

00:38:48.000 100%.

00:38:49.000 He's doing it like a businessman. 1.00

00:38:51.000 You fuck with him, he's gonna fuck with you back, you know, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

00:38:55.000 Jon Stewart, you pussy. 1.00

00:38:56.000 Jon Stewart, his real name is Leibowitz. 1.00

00:38:58.000 1.30 in the morning, he's doing it.

00:39:00.000 1.30 in the morning. 0.99

00:39:01.000 But that's the kind of guy that can fucking finance campaign for president all on his own and win. 0.99

00:39:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:08.000 That's crazy.

00:39:10.000 I mean, forget about whether you think it's a good thing for the country or a bad thing for the country.

00:39:15.000 It might be the greatest success story ever.

00:39:19.000 It might be like the greatest upset of any contest ever.

00:39:24.000 100%.

00:39:24.000 There's no bigger upset.

00:39:26.000 Ever.

00:39:27.000 What do you think the odds were when Donald Trump first entered the race in Vegas that he would eventually become president?

00:39:33.000 What do you think the odds were?

00:39:34.000 I remember watching Seth Meyers' State of the Union address and he said, Donald Trump's here.

00:39:39.000 Donald Trump said he's running as a Republican.

00:39:42.000 I thought he was running as a joke. 1.00

00:39:44.000 And I doubled over and I thought, I remember thinking to myself, what an idiot. 1.00

00:39:50.000 He could never be president. 1.00

00:39:52.000 I literally thought, he could never be president. 1.00

00:39:56.000 And then to think that that's a fucking reality? 0.99

00:40:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:01.000 It's interesting.

00:40:02.000 Is there any celebrity other than Reagan?

00:40:04.000 Ronald Reagan's the one I was curious about because they said that...

00:40:08.000 I don't remember the election.

00:40:09.000 I was too young.

00:40:10.000 But they were saying that despite the fact that he had already been governor, because that was kind of like...

00:40:16.000 He had been in office.

00:40:17.000 They were shocked that anyone would vote for Reagan. 1.00

00:40:20.000 They thought he was a fucking joke. 0.99

00:40:21.000 And dude, he destroyed Mondale. 0.99

00:40:24.000 Like, I look at those county-by-county polls where they show you what the county's voted. 0.97

00:40:28.000 It's really fucking interesting. 0.90

00:40:30.000 Because you, like, look at Ohio. 0.99

00:40:31.000 It's all red.

00:40:32.000 But Cleveland's blue.

00:40:33.000 And, like, Columbus is blue.

00:40:36.000 And Toledo's blue.

00:40:37.000 And so, but the thing is, just outside the city, everyone's voting for Trump.

00:40:43.000 But in the city, people are voting Democrat. 0.99

00:40:47.000 But if you look at Reagan's, I mean, literally, it's all fucking red.

00:40:53.000 Have you ever gone back and watched some of Reagan's speeches? 0.70

00:40:56.000 No.

00:40:57.000 I watched a few of them the other day.

00:40:59.000 I did.

00:41:00.000 I did a YouTube rabbit hole.

00:41:03.000 I went down and watched a bunch of Reagan speeches.

00:41:06.000 They were so weird.

00:41:07.000 So weird because now that he's dead and you know the history.

00:41:10.000 It's so weird because it was in my lifetime.

00:41:12.000 I remember these events.

00:41:13.000 I remember these things happening.

00:41:15.000 But he was on stage doing some speech and he started talking about how Wouldn't it be, if we were attacked by some sort of an alien invader for another planet, wouldn't it be easy for us to abandon all of our differences and join together as one race to face this alien threat? 0.97

00:41:38.000 And everybody was like, what the fuck did he just say? 0.99

00:41:40.000 Did the fucking president just say there's aliens? 1.00

00:41:43.000 I think he said! 1.00

00:41:44.000 That's what I heard! 1.00

00:41:46.000 I heard he said, the fucking aliens are coming, dude! 1.00

00:41:49.000 Oh my god, we gotta get together! 1.00

00:41:49.000 They're coming! 1.00

00:41:52.000 That's literally what he said. 0.93

00:41:54.000 And it was one of those conspiracy theorist dreams where someone, you know, like me or like Eddie Bravo would fucking look at it and go, dude, you hear what he just said there? 0.98

00:42:03.000 You fucking hear what he just said? 0.96

00:42:05.000 He said, if an alien species came down here, dude, they're coming. 0.99

00:42:09.000 They're going to let us know slow.

00:42:11.000 They're going to let us know slow.

00:42:13.000 I used to think they should release a tiger in every major city.

00:42:18.000 Jesus, what about your kids?

00:42:20.000 Well, I mean, yeah, that's just gonna...

00:42:22.000 Let the chips fall where they may?

00:42:22.000 We gotta deal with that.

00:42:23.000 But the reason being, imagine how tighter the communities would get.

00:42:27.000 Yeah.

00:42:27.000 Like, people would be cooler to each other.

00:42:29.000 They'd be like, hey man, have you seen the tiger?

00:42:31.000 Oh yeah, yeah, he's on the other side of town. 0.99

00:42:33.000 Oh, fucking thank God, man. 0.99

00:42:35.000 Hey, have a great day. 1.00

00:42:35.000 Can't you shoot that tiger? 1.00

00:42:37.000 No, you can't. 0.98

00:42:38.000 You gotta leave it...

00:42:39.000 It just feeds off people.

00:42:41.000 It just feeds off people.

00:42:43.000 That's the balancer.

00:42:45.000 People are baiting them into neighborhoods for gentrification.

00:42:48.000 Could you imagine if that's how we rocked it?

00:42:50.000 We just left a tiger in every 100,000 people.

00:42:54.000 You had to keep it.

00:42:56.000 You had to keep the tiger.

00:42:57.000 You can't hurt the tiger.

00:42:58.000 Oh my god, it's a game with you and nature. 1.00

00:43:00.000 Shit. 1.00

00:43:03.000 Wow. 1.00

00:43:03.000 That is crazy. 1.00

00:43:04.000 I mean, when I was in Tanzania with the Maasai, lions are their big fucking deal. 0.98

00:43:11.000 And so they're crammed in together and they got thorns, big thorn bushes keeping them together. 0.96

00:43:19.000 And they're always together.

00:43:20.000 They're always in clumps. 1.00

00:43:21.000 Because they got fucking lions everywhere. 1.00

00:43:23.000 Wow. 1.00

00:43:24.000 And I was like, I bet that makes you a lot tighter.

00:43:26.000 Oh, hell yeah. 1.00

00:43:27.000 When you know you could get eaten by a fucking lion if you go take a shit. 1.00

00:43:30.000 By yourself. 1.00

00:43:31.000 You're like, hey man, you wanna go hang out while I take a shit? 1.00

00:43:33.000 Well, those people are so much more connected to nature, because how many animals must they see get killed? 1.00

00:43:40.000 Oh, dude.

00:43:41.000 They cut a goat's throat in front of me. 0.97

00:43:41.000 I told you. 0.97

00:43:43.000 Pfft! 0.63

00:43:44.000 Like, hey, welcome to our jungle. 0.98

00:43:46.000 Slid his throat and bled it into a horn.

00:43:48.000 So you could drink it?

00:43:49.000 Yeah.

00:43:50.000 It's so casual.

00:43:51.000 What does it taste like?

00:43:53.000 Like liver.

00:43:54.000 Wow, like a drinking liver.

00:43:56.000 Yeah.

00:43:56.000 It's probably super good for you, right?

00:43:58.000 I didn't mind the taste.

00:43:59.000 Other than the fact that we get all in your teeth, you have blood all in your teeth.

00:44:02.000 I didn't mind the taste.

00:44:03.000 And it was Africa and I didn't want to get AIDS. I didn't mind the taste. 0.99

00:44:09.000 Yeah.

00:44:09.000 Imagine being the first guy to get sick from that.

00:44:15.000 I wonder what kind of blood-borne pathogens they could be carrying in their body.

00:44:19.000 But wouldn't that be in the meat, too?

00:44:21.000 I guess you probably have to worry that less with herbivores.

00:44:24.000 Right?

00:44:25.000 Then you would like...

00:44:26.000 Like you couldn't drink bear blood.

00:44:27.000 Right.

00:44:27.000 You couldn't do it.

00:44:28.000 You know, I don't think so.

00:44:29.000 I think you'd get trichinosis.

00:44:31.000 Yeah.

00:44:31.000 They say something like 90-something percent of bears have trichinosis.

00:44:35.000 Yeah.

00:44:35.000 Really?

00:44:36.000 How do you have to cook that out of them?

00:44:37.000 Yeah, you have to cook it like you would cook pork, which is like to 160 degrees.

00:44:42.000 Oh, I've been cooking pork medium rare.

00:44:44.000 Well, now that you probably can get away with that because you're talking about domestic pork.

00:44:49.000 See, the standards, they actually lowered the temperature.

00:44:52.000 I think they lowered the pork recommended to 140, which is really kind of like a medium.

00:44:58.000 Not a medium rare.

00:45:00.000 I think medium rare is like 135. But anyway, I forget my point.

00:45:05.000 Bears, blood.

00:45:06.000 Yeah, you have to cook bears. 0.99

00:45:08.000 But you don't have to do that with a deer or an elk.

00:45:12.000 You can eat elk sashimi where you slice it.

00:45:15.000 Oh, did we do that with a bison?

00:45:19.000 I think we ate part of the bison's heart or part of his liver.

00:45:22.000 Mmm.

00:45:22.000 Wow.

00:45:23.000 Raw, huh?

00:45:24.000 Yeah, people have done heart raw.

00:45:24.000 Yeah.

00:45:26.000 I've seen that.

00:45:27.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:45:30.000 I kind of dig that shit. 1.00

00:45:31.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:45:32.000 Like, there's a part of me that's, like, you know, the big anti, the N-word for guys like me is call me a bro.

00:45:39.000 A bro's bad? 0.90

00:45:41.000 Yeah, that's the N-word for alternative hipsters, millennials. 0.87

00:45:47.000 I do not think it's as bad as the N-word.

00:45:49.000 I don't think it is either, but that's like they go, oh, he's a bro?

00:45:52.000 Are you bro-ing out?

00:45:54.000 I think we have to embrace that.

00:45:56.000 I love being a bro, dude.

00:45:56.000 We have to take it back.

00:45:58.000 I fucking love it. 0.98

00:45:59.000 I love high fives. 0.97

00:46:01.000 But yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

00:46:02.000 But when you used to be able to say, what's up, bro, to your friend and really think that.

00:46:06.000 And now it's like one of those weird things.

00:46:10.000 Like, bro's like a joke.

00:46:12.000 It's like a half joke.

00:46:13.000 Yeah.

00:46:14.000 But I say brother to everyone.

00:46:16.000 Bro science?

00:46:17.000 You know about bro science?

00:46:18.000 That's all I do.

00:46:18.000 No.

00:46:19.000 I do bro science.

00:46:20.000 I don't have any degrees.

00:46:21.000 What's bro science? 0.59

00:46:22.000 Bro science is when you talk about something, like, I might watch a YouTube video, memorize some statistics, and then recite it back.

00:46:28.000 That's bro science, bro.

00:46:29.000 Oh, I do bro science then.

00:46:31.000 We all do.

00:46:32.000 Anybody who's a bro does bro science.

00:46:33.000 I'm a bro historian, too.

00:46:37.000 Yeah, I'm a bro sports fan.

00:46:41.000 I love that your rabbit holes take you to a Ronald Reagan speech, and mine always take me to either stop being a douchebag videos or bully justice, like those instant karma.

00:46:55.000 I like watching little kids fight, like when one kid actually knows how to fight in high school.

00:47:02.000 There's this one girl, and she's in this fight with this... 1.00

00:47:05.000 I don't know if she's in a fight with a dude? 0.98

00:47:06.000 She might have been in a fight with a dude, but she's in some wrestling match with this kid, and she clearly knows Muay Thai, because she fucking knees him in the face. 1.00

00:47:15.000 Like, full fucking power, really good technique, crushes this dude, crumples him. 0.99

00:47:23.000 And you watch and you go, whoa! 0.99

00:47:25.000 I like that.

00:47:26.000 Somebody taught her how to fight.

00:47:27.000 Somebody taught her how to fight. 1.00

00:47:28.000 Some dickhead started to fight with her. 1.00

00:47:30.000 I think. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Maybe she's the dickhead. 1.00

00:47:32.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:47:33.000 I'd like to get my daughters into like a base level. 1.00

00:47:35.000 Here it is.

00:47:36.000 Oh, is this it?

00:47:36.000 Yeah.

00:47:37.000 So it's a girl and a guy.

00:47:38.000 Watch this.

00:47:39.000 Doge!

00:47:39.000 Oh, is it a girl?

00:47:40.000 Is that a girl that she just flattened? 0.98

00:47:42.000 Or is that a guy?

00:47:43.000 It's a boy.

00:47:44.000 It's a boy.

00:47:45.000 Dude, she... 1.00

00:47:46.000 Yeah, it is a boy.

00:47:46.000 Dude, she flattened him.

00:47:48.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:47:49.000 She flattened him. 1.00

00:47:50.000 Show that again, Jamie.

00:47:53.000 Look at that.

00:47:53.000 She takes him down.

00:47:56.000 She holds onto him, and boom! 0.99

00:47:58.000 Knee to the face. 0.99

00:48:00.000 Another knee. 0.83

00:48:00.000 Boom! 0.83

00:48:01.000 She threw her whole body into that knee. 1.00

00:48:03.000 She just fucked that dude up. 1.00

00:48:03.000 She did. 1.00

00:48:05.000 Like, that's a girl who seriously knows Muay Thai. 1.00

00:48:08.000 That would be like if you tried to fuck with John Wayne Parr's daughter, if you gave her a hard time. 0.99

00:48:14.000 I want my girls to know a little bit of jujitsu just to protect themselves from dudes. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Look at the fucking technique, man. 0.99

00:48:21.000 Her knee, excellent. 1.00

00:48:23.000 Excellent technique, position, everything.

00:48:25.000 That girl absolutely knows how to fight. 1.00

00:48:28.000 Like, that wasn't luck.

00:48:29.000 Like, she just smashed that dude.

00:48:29.000 Yeah.

00:48:32.000 I'd like to think the guy's an asshole. 1.00

00:48:35.000 I'm sure he is. 1.00

00:48:36.000 I hope so.

00:48:36.000 She might have just decided to beat up a boy, send a message.

00:48:40.000 This is how I roll motherfuckers. 1.00

00:48:41.000 Wait, where did she run off to? 1.00

00:48:42.000 Some other girls were chasing her. 0.99

00:48:44.000 She just ran off like super person. 1.00

00:48:46.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:48:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:48:48.000 There's that fight.

00:48:48.000 I always end up watching this one fight of these two guys in this parking lot.

00:48:53.000 And the one guy is posted up like this.

00:48:56.000 And the other guy clearly knows the beginning levels of MMA. And it is.

00:49:03.000 And he fucks this dude up. 0.98

00:49:04.000 And it's just over. 0.98

00:49:06.000 But there's this energy.

00:49:08.000 Do you remember...

00:49:10.000 Two guys about start fighting, and then one guy clearly has fought before, and he's done, like, martial arts.

00:49:16.000 And the guy's like, no, no, no, no!

00:49:18.000 Street fight only!

00:49:19.000 Street fight only!

00:49:19.000 And the guy's like, no, I'm not gonna handicap myself so that you can win, so that it's even.

00:49:24.000 What does that mean, street fight only?

00:49:26.000 Street fight only!

00:49:27.000 Street fight only!

00:49:28.000 I've heard that before.

00:49:29.000 Oh yeah, I've heard that before.

00:49:29.000 What?

00:49:30.000 And I've seen it in videos too.

00:49:31.000 I heard it in college.

00:49:32.000 There was this guy who knew all Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, everything.

00:49:37.000 And there was a big block party.

00:49:38.000 K-A-T-O-N-S-A used to do a block party. 1.00

00:49:41.000 And he's talking shit. 1.00

00:49:43.000 Someone was talking shit and he hit his roommate's friend. 1.00

00:49:45.000 He hit his... 1.00

00:49:47.000 This jiu-jitsu guy hit his roommate. 1.00

00:49:49.000 So the jiu-jitsu guy came in to protect his friend, his roommate, and this other guy's like, oh, you want some, motherfucker? 0.99

00:49:56.000 And he's just like, okay. 0.99

00:49:57.000 The way he moved, it was very clear.

00:49:59.000 He knew what he was doing.

00:50:01.000 And the guy was like, no, no, no, no.

00:50:02.000 Street fight.

00:50:03.000 It's got to be a street fight.

00:50:04.000 And I remember being like...

00:50:06.000 No. 1.00

00:50:06.000 And then he fucking killed him. 1.00

00:50:08.000 It's gotta be a street fight. 1.00

00:50:09.000 What does that mean?

00:50:11.000 What does it mean? 0.99

00:50:12.000 You're the one that told me, like, one time I remember saying I talk shit to somebody. 0.99

00:50:16.000 This must have been five years ago. 0.99

00:50:17.000 And you were like, do you know how to fight?

00:50:19.000 And you're like, why would you ever talk to someone if you don't know how to fight?

00:50:19.000 And I was like, no.

00:50:23.000 And I was like, I don't know.

00:50:24.000 I've been going on that mindset my whole life, just rolling the dice that they'll back down.

00:50:30.000 That's dangerous. 0.99

00:50:31.000 I don't talk shit to anybody now. 1.00

00:50:33.000 You should never talk shit. 0.99

00:50:34.000 Well, first of all, you shouldn't because it's just not worth it, and it's a bad path to go down when you get in arguments with people. 0.99

00:50:40.000 We're probably all going to get in them again, but it's not good.

00:50:43.000 It's way better for you, for them, for everybody to avoid those kind of conversations at all.

00:50:47.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:50:48.000 But when you start insulting people you don't know, God damn, that's so risky. 0.99

00:50:52.000 It's so risky. 0.99

00:50:53.000 You don't know what they do.

00:50:54.000 That could be a killer.

00:50:55.000 You don't know anything.

00:50:56.000 I mean, like literally a killer.

00:50:58.000 You have no idea what that person does. 1.00

00:51:01.000 And so for you to just meet some stranger, bump into them, and want to exchange assaults You could have fucked up, man. 0.98

00:51:10.000 You could be, you know, sitting right next to Lorenz Larkin and you don't know who he is. 0.99

00:51:14.000 You know, you decide to slap him. 0.97

00:51:16.000 You do something stupid because you think you're a tough guy and you think you're going to intimidate him and he just leg kicks you and you realize like, oh, good lord. 1.00

00:51:24.000 Then he starts beating the shit out of you. 1.00

00:51:26.000 Slowly, whenever he wants to, he hits you. 1.00

00:51:29.000 That's reality.

00:51:29.000 You could find yourself in a terrible situation.

00:51:32.000 I don't even understand those guys who just simply talk disrespectful to someone.

00:51:37.000 Like, that'll happen when you're with, like, as a comic and you're on the road, you're at a bar, and someone's a fan of yours, and another guy's a fan of yours, you'll watch them almost, like, attack, like one guy, the drunkest, will be a dick, and be like, oh, I guess we're all just gonna sit up at the bar.

00:51:51.000 And you're like, hey man, don't do that.

00:51:52.000 The guy just wants to hang out too.

00:51:54.000 I can hang out with both of you.

00:51:55.000 It doesn't need to be one or the other.

00:51:57.000 Yeah, I know what you mean. 0.99

00:51:58.000 I go, what the fuck are you doing, man? 0.99

00:51:59.000 Just have a good time. 1.00

00:52:01.000 I'm not impressed.

00:52:02.000 It doesn't make me happy that you're mocking someone in front of me.

00:52:06.000 That's not funny.

00:52:07.000 Right. 0.95

00:52:09.000 Well, sometimes dudes can be douchebags. 0.64

00:52:13.000 I mean, there's something about men's personalities and wanting to get ahead. 0.99

00:52:18.000 Wanting to fucking move ahead of the line. 0.85

00:52:20.000 I gotta meet Bert next. 1.00

00:52:23.000 It's a fucking competition. 1.00

00:52:24.000 Motherfucker better not try to cut me. 1.00

00:52:26.000 It's such a weird... 1.00

00:52:28.000 There's a line, and you're like, hey man.

00:52:31.000 People get crazy. 0.99

00:52:32.000 Some guys will walk straight to the fucking front of the line to take pictures with their chicks. 1.00

00:52:35.000 Doug Benson saw it happen to me one time, and he was like, why would you let that happen? 0.99

00:52:39.000 And I was like, I don't like confrontation either.

00:52:40.000 That is a crazy move. 0.99

00:52:42.000 Okay, man, I'm not waiting in this fucking line. 1.00

00:52:43.000 Let's get a picture. 0.99

00:52:44.000 I've heard people do that, and I tell them that it's a line, and then they just stand there, and I take the picture with the person who's at the front of the line, and they go, can we go now?

00:52:52.000 Like, no, there's an actual line.

00:52:53.000 You can't just cut in.

00:52:55.000 Like, that's rude.

00:52:57.000 Someone has to police this.

00:52:59.000 Yeah.

00:53:00.000 Lines give me anxiety.

00:53:01.000 Well, it's a competition.

00:53:02.000 When am I gonna get there?

00:53:03.000 When's it gonna happen?

00:53:05.000 We're up next. 0.99

00:53:06.000 How the fuck did she get in front of him? 1.00

00:53:07.000 Was she in front of him before? 1.00

00:53:09.000 She just cut? 0.92

00:53:10.000 Did she just cut?

00:53:10.000 It's not even you.

00:53:11.000 It's somebody else.

00:53:12.000 The exact same amount of people in front of you.

00:53:14.000 You start freaking out. 0.98

00:53:15.000 She just fucking cut the line in front of that guy. 1.00

00:53:17.000 Dude, we were getting on, I was on my buddy Cowhead's cruise, and we were getting back on the boat from St. Thomas, and there was a line to get back on the boat, but it wasn't a defined line. 0.99

00:53:29.000 It was just people, like three wide, four wide, sometimes two wide, lining up down the side of the pier, and there were people just walking past the line.

00:53:37.000 And I would be like, hey, there's a line, and he'd be like, oh, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, and just keep walking. 1.00

00:53:41.000 And I'd be like, motherfucker! 1.00

00:53:43.000 Like, it drove me nuts! 1.00

00:53:45.000 Like, I was losing, and then this one couple just got right in front of me, and I went, hey, you can't do that!

00:53:50.000 And now I feel like I'm in third grade, like, hey man, no cuts, no buts, no interrupts, man, let's go!

00:53:56.000 What did they say when you said you can't do that?

00:53:58.000 They were like, oh, no, no, our friends are coming.

00:54:00.000 And I was just like, and then I'm like, okay, I'm drunk.

00:54:03.000 There's no reason for me to interact with this person.

00:54:06.000 It's one of those things, like, do I take the path of least resistance and just go, whatever? 0.99

00:54:09.000 It's one fucking person. 0.97

00:54:11.000 Is it worth getting into an argument with one person, you know? 1.00

00:54:14.000 Right.

00:54:15.000 But there's something weird. 0.99

00:54:16.000 Oh, it's a fucking douchebaggery. 1.00

00:54:18.000 It's douchebaggery. 1.00

00:54:18.000 Oh, I fucking hate it. 1.00

00:54:21.000 Assholes. 1.00

00:54:23.000 I hear people do that at the airport. 1.00

00:54:25.000 Dude, they do it everywhere, all the time.

00:54:28.000 But it's not that many.

00:54:28.000 There's always someone.

00:54:30.000 You know, if you're dealing with a thousand people, you're gonna get one.

00:54:33.000 At least, right?

00:54:33.000 Yeah.

00:54:34.000 Just someone who just goes, oh, the rules don't apply to me.

00:54:36.000 Nah, you don't need a thousand.

00:54:36.000 How many people?

00:54:38.000 Maybe 300, right?

00:54:41.000 Every 300. But it depends on what fucking, if you're at a Raiders game or something. 0.99

00:54:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:45.000 Oh, don't even get me started.

00:54:47.000 I've been going to Rams games.

00:54:49.000 Fogging lines there. 1.00

00:54:50.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:54:51.000 Football games are ridiculous. 1.00

00:54:52.000 Oh, and the Rams stadium, the Coliseum, it's like going back to Deadwood. 1.00

00:54:58.000 It's fucking atrocious. 0.98

00:55:00.000 How much security do they have at those things? 0.99

00:55:03.000 And they've got only one exit for everyone.

00:55:03.000 Not enough.

00:55:07.000 Meaning, like, they don't have levels of exits for tiers.

00:55:11.000 If you sit up there, you gotta walk out this way.

00:55:13.000 If you sit down here, you gotta walk out this way. 1.00

00:55:15.000 It's a fucking nightmare. 1.00

00:55:17.000 Just a funnel? 1.00

00:55:19.000 It is, yeah.

00:55:20.000 And they have no refrigeration for the craft services or whatever.

00:55:25.000 So, like, they run out of water.

00:55:28.000 No more water.

00:55:28.000 No more.

00:55:29.000 We're out.

00:55:30.000 And you're like, yeah, but it's 90 degrees out here and there's 92,000 people.

00:55:34.000 Yeah, we're done.

00:55:36.000 Wow.

00:55:36.000 It literally must be what it is to be like in one of those...

00:55:41.000 No, that's not as bad as I'm going to say.

00:55:43.000 What were you going to say?

00:55:46.000 One of those shantytowns. 0.99

00:55:48.000 It's not as bad as that.

00:55:49.000 It's like living in Africa. 1.00

00:55:50.000 There's no water at the football game.

00:55:52.000 We had to leave.

00:55:53.000 We had to get in our air-conditioned car and drive off.

00:55:56.000 What a white privilege. 0.81

00:55:57.000 Oh, that's super white privilege. 0.92

00:55:59.000 It's like living in a shantytown. 0.98

00:56:00.000 I'm talking about my season tickets at the Raiders and the Rams game.

00:56:04.000 It's like a cardboard box under the bridge.

00:56:07.000 Ugh.

00:56:09.000 Yeah, man, it's just, when you're inviting that many men in a gigantic arena-type place, and then you're having combat sport, like...

00:56:18.000 Yeah.

00:56:20.000 Football's a combat sport, in my opinion.

00:56:22.000 You know, it's not a combat sport where you're hitting each other all the time with punches and kicks, but you're running into each other full blast. 0.99

00:56:28.000 You know what the fuck you're doing? 0.99

00:56:30.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:56:30.000 You're trying to get bigger so you can smash people better. 1.00

00:56:32.000 It's a combat sport, goddammit. 0.98

00:56:34.000 That's what it is. 0.94

00:56:35.000 What's the...

00:56:36.000 Is there fights at UFCs?

00:56:39.000 Oh, occasionally.

00:56:40.000 Yeah.

00:56:41.000 Occasionally.

00:56:42.000 Less than you would think.

00:56:43.000 Really?

00:56:44.000 But yeah, you're going to get drunk people together. 0.94

00:56:47.000 You know, maybe one person's cheering a little too loud for someone you don't like and calling the guy you like a loser or whatever.

00:56:54.000 People do.

00:56:55.000 I've seen some brawls.

00:56:57.000 But for the most part, not really, man.

00:56:59.000 I think a lot of people also that go to see MMA, like if you go to see it live, it's expensive.

00:57:05.000 You want to go check out the UFC live.

00:57:08.000 Those things sell out like that.

00:57:10.000 Like this Madison Square Garden thing.

00:57:13.000 People are going to be excited to be there.

00:57:14.000 They're not going to fuck up the experience.

00:57:16.000 Hopefully. 0.98

00:57:17.000 But if you're next to the wrong person ever in life in a live setting, whether it's a comedy club or a concert, you could be next to the wrong fucking person and they could ruin the experience. 0.81

00:57:28.000 We were behind, we were in front of the wrong person on one game.

00:57:31.000 It was just this guy in all Raiders gear and he just kept saying to people, how long you been a Rams fan, huh?

00:57:36.000 Oh, you're a brand new Rams fan?

00:57:38.000 Okay, that's what I thought.

00:57:39.000 And you're just like, why?

00:57:41.000 What is this doing for you?

00:57:42.000 Is he a Mexican gentleman?

00:57:44.000 You just did him in a Mexican accent.

00:57:45.000 Oh, did I? I didn't mean to.

00:57:48.000 I'm really bad at accents.

00:57:49.000 He's Irish.

00:57:50.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:57:53.000 How long have you been a Rams fan?

00:57:54.000 What land are you from?

00:57:56.000 He said it to me.

00:57:57.000 My kids are sitting in front of me.

00:57:58.000 So he doesn't know that they're my kids, technically.

00:58:00.000 So my kids are sitting in front of me.

00:58:02.000 I'm sitting with my buddy, Eric.

00:58:03.000 And he's just like, how long have you been a Rams fan?

00:58:05.000 And my buddy, Eric, grew up here.

00:58:07.000 So he's like, my whole life.

00:58:09.000 He's like, oh, really?

00:58:09.000 Where are you from?

00:58:10.000 And he's like, I grew up in the valley.

00:58:11.000 Eric grew up in Santa Monica.

00:58:12.000 He's like, oh, okay.

00:58:13.000 How about you?

00:58:14.000 And I was like, this is my first game.

00:58:16.000 I'm a big fan.

00:58:18.000 And I guess he just caught him off guard.

00:58:19.000 He giggled.

00:58:20.000 He was like, ah, that's what I thought.

00:58:21.000 Yeah, no one...

00:58:22.000 I'm from here, man.

00:58:23.000 I'm from here.

00:58:24.000 Ooh.

00:58:24.000 And you're like, okay.

00:58:26.000 Irish people don't talk like that.

00:58:28.000 I know.

00:58:28.000 I'm really bad at accents.

00:58:30.000 He was like...

00:58:30.000 He was like, I love to cariseum.

00:58:36.000 That's like Japanese from the 1950s. 0.99

00:58:39.000 Goddammit, I'm so bad at accents. 0.74

00:58:41.000 He's like, my man!

00:58:42.000 I said, can I play against some conversation?

00:58:46.000 We had a Rams game. 0.99

00:58:48.000 I just think football in general and combat sports in general, you get a bunch of men together and you give them booze, shit's gonna go wrong. 0.87

00:58:56.000 And if you're only telling me there's only one way to get out of there, that's not in my book of safe places to be. 0.66

00:59:02.000 No.

00:59:03.000 Do you remember the XFL? Yes!

00:59:06.000 That was the, um, what the fuck's his name? 0.99

00:59:08.000 Vince McMahon. 0.98

00:59:09.000 Yeah, I went to an XFL game.

00:59:10.000 How was that? 1.00

00:59:11.000 Holy fucking shit. 1.00

00:59:13.000 That was what a prison yard must feel like. 1.00

00:59:15.000 Really?

00:59:16.000 Really.

00:59:17.000 Like, I remember a dude, a fight broke out, and the cops went into the stands from the field to get the guy, and the fans kicked the cops out of the stands.

00:59:32.000 Whoa.

00:59:32.000 And they had the guy, and the fans pulled the guy back into the stadium and pushed the cops onto the grass, and the cops just were like, I guess that guy's going free.

00:59:43.000 Holy shit. 0.97

00:59:44.000 That game they gave out cardboard flyers. 0.99

00:59:49.000 I don't know what it was, so you could all hold them up and you'd all make the same color or whatever.

00:59:52.000 Yeah.

00:59:53.000 But everyone was just turning them into paper airplanes, and they were throwing darts.

00:59:57.000 And I saw a dude turn around and get hit in the eye with one, and leave.

01:00:01.000 Like, ah, and leave.

01:00:03.000 And I was like...

01:00:04.000 He got hit in the eye with a dart.

01:00:05.000 With these paper airplanes, but they were, I mean, out of cardboard. 0.99

01:00:08.000 And people were turning them into paper airplanes, but they were flying, like, fucking... 0.98

01:00:12.000 And it hit the guy in the eye, like, three rows in front of me, and he just doubled over and walked out, and I was like, that guy might have just lost a fucking eye for an XFL game. 0.97

01:00:22.000 I was like, I got recognized a lot there too.

01:00:24.000 When did the XFL exist?

01:00:27.000 Probably 2001. And I was on a TV show.

01:00:31.000 What show were you on back then?

01:00:33.000 The X show.

01:00:33.000 You were on it.

01:00:34.000 Oh, that's right.

01:00:35.000 And Vince McMahon came on.

01:00:37.000 You said that to me three times.

01:00:38.000 Yeah.

01:00:39.000 I go, what show was it?

01:00:40.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

01:00:40.000 And Vince, I think Vince McMahon or someone came on to promote the league.

01:00:45.000 And so we got, as cast members, we all got free tickets.

01:00:48.000 And we were like, oh, these will be nice.

01:00:50.000 No, they were gen pop. 0.99

01:00:51.000 And it was fucking brutal. 1.00

01:00:53.000 Yeah, but we had just promoted the games on TV and I remember walking through and everyone's like, oh, you're that fucking guy! 0.99

01:01:00.000 And I was like, yeah, what's up? 0.99

01:01:02.000 I remember when you were doing Hurt Burt.

01:01:04.000 God.

01:01:04.000 That was the first TV stuff that I was aware of that you were doing.

01:01:08.000 Yeah.

01:01:09.000 I was like, oh my god, someone's gonna talk to this guy.

01:01:11.000 You gotta stop doing that. 1.00

01:01:12.000 I'm not fucking doing that shit ever again. 1.00

01:01:14.000 Yeah, like you'd let people choke you unconscious. 1.00

01:01:16.000 You let some of the Gracie brothers choke you unconscious.

01:01:22.000 Who did it?

01:01:23.000 Was it Henner or Heron?

01:01:24.000 Who choked you out?

01:01:25.000 I can't remember.

01:01:27.000 It happened so quick. 0.99

01:01:30.000 Getting choked out is such a fucking scary feeling because it really proves your helplessness. 0.99

01:01:35.000 Yeah, you're helpless for sure for one of those guys. 0.99

01:01:38.000 One of those guys gets a hold of you?

01:01:39.000 It took two seconds.

01:01:39.000 He just went and grabbed my kimono and just tightened it around my neck.

01:01:45.000 Yeah.

01:01:46.000 And I remember reaching up to stop him, and hitting him once, and then being like, I can't stop this, and falling out.

01:01:54.000 And then I had panic attacks for like a week, because I knew what it was like to suffocate and die.

01:01:59.000 Jesus, dude. 0.97

01:02:00.000 I literally, I remember I'd be fucking laying in bed, and I'd just go... 0.99

01:02:04.000 That was fucking crazy. 0.99

01:02:08.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:02:09.000 I wish at that time, you know what's so funny?

01:02:12.000 Horian is the father.

01:02:14.000 Horian said to me, you could benefit from jujitsu.

01:02:17.000 He's like, why don't you come?

01:02:19.000 No charge.

01:02:19.000 Come down and roll with us.

01:02:21.000 We'll teach you everything.

01:02:22.000 Come down, please.

01:02:24.000 And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:25.000 In my head, I'm like, what am I going to do jujitsu for?

01:02:27.000 God, man, that would have helped me so fucking much in life. 0.54

01:02:30.000 You can still do it. 0.97

01:02:31.000 I talked to Eddie Bravo.

01:02:32.000 We had talked about this one time.

01:02:33.000 And so I think you or someone, maybe you set me up with Eddie Bravo.

01:02:37.000 Yeah.

01:02:37.000 Yeah, well, you know, you live right down the street from Joey.

01:02:39.000 Why don't you just go with Joey?

01:02:41.000 Have Joey take you to Alberto Crane's place.

01:02:44.000 That's where he's going, right?

01:02:45.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:02:46.000 I don't know.

01:02:47.000 He goes a lot.

01:02:48.000 But I talked to Eddie Bravo, and Eddie Bravo came in, and he had a black eye.

01:02:52.000 And I went, what happened?

01:02:54.000 Did you get in a fight?

01:02:55.000 And he was like, huh?

01:02:56.000 He didn't even know he had a black eye.

01:02:57.000 He was like, what?

01:02:58.000 I said, your eye is swollen.

01:03:00.000 And he goes, oh, it's just from rolling.

01:03:01.000 Yeah, it's not that bad.

01:03:03.000 And I was like, wait, you get black eyes?

01:03:04.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, you get bumps.

01:03:05.000 You get from bumps.

01:03:07.000 And I was just like, oh, I don't want to get, knock my teeth out.

01:03:10.000 It can happen, but you wear a mouthpiece.

01:03:12.000 I've only gotten a black eye like maybe ten times ever.

01:03:17.000 Ten times?

01:03:18.000 Maybe.

01:03:19.000 Maybe ten times.

01:03:19.000 You know, that's a lot.

01:03:21.000 I mean, from jiu-jitsu?

01:03:23.000 Yeah.

01:03:23.000 Do you think of all the times you're rolling and all the time spent rolling?

01:03:26.000 I've had two black eyes.

01:03:27.000 Ever?

01:03:28.000 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 That's hilarious.

01:03:29.000 Yeah, I've had two black eyes.

01:03:31.000 I've had a lot of black eyes.

01:03:33.000 I think, um...

01:03:34.000 How many black eyes have you had?

01:03:36.000 Maybe two or three, not that many.

01:03:38.000 There's a picture of me when I was doing the UFC. I had two fucked up eyes while I was doing the commentary. 0.95

01:03:45.000 Terry, that was all from my same friend. 0.99

01:03:47.000 He got me with a knee and then he got me with his elbow.

01:03:50.000 Totally accidental.

01:03:51.000 Oh, it hurts so bad. 0.90

01:03:52.000 When you're scrambling, if, you know, you move that way and that's where he was going to put his knee, ka-plonk, you just fucking collide with each other. 0.96

01:04:00.000 Dude's noses explode. 0.86

01:04:02.000 Happens all the time.

01:04:03.000 Yeah, not that I don't want that to happen, but I just don't.

01:04:08.000 Yeah, no, I know.

01:04:09.000 But you've got to also be careful.

01:04:13.000 Don't roll with spazzes. 1.00

01:04:14.000 Don't try to be a world champion, superstar.

01:04:17.000 Learn how to do the technique correctly.

01:04:19.000 Be willing to tap and just try to learn and have fun.

01:04:22.000 The Gracies have a good saying. 1.00

01:04:24.000 They say, keep it playful.

01:04:25.000 I think that's a good saying to learn it.

01:04:27.000 Because as soon as you get tense and real rigid and real concerned with the outcome, you just don't do as well.

01:04:34.000 It becomes too exhausting.

01:04:35.000 You don't concentrate on technique.

01:04:37.000 You know, like if you're not worried about getting tapped or you're not worried about getting into a bad position, you'll relax and sort of go with the flow of things.

01:04:43.000 And when you find like a certain level of efficiency, then you can operate and you can roll for like long times.

01:04:49.000 I've had rolls with people that were like 10, 15 minutes long, even longer.

01:04:53.000 Because if you get to a good place where you can kind of conserve your energy and you're both, you know, moving at a good pace but keeping it really technical, It's an amazing martial arts.

01:05:05.000 To me, it's one of the only martial arts that does as advertised.

01:05:10.000 When you look at martial arts, you always think of what I would like is some Bruce Lee type scenario where the small guy could beat up everybody around him.

01:05:20.000 Well, striking, that really doesn't work like that.

01:05:23.000 It just doesn't.

01:05:24.000 Yeah, it just doesn't. 0.98

01:05:25.000 You know, if Brock Lesnar is as badass as Joseph Benavidez is, if Brock Lesnar was chasing him down, he'd be kind of fucked. 0.99

01:05:33.000 He'd just be kind of fucked. 0.99

01:05:34.000 That's just too much. 1.00

01:05:35.000 It's just too much man.

01:05:37.000 But...

01:05:38.000 If Brock Lesnar rolled, like if he did jujitsu with a guy like Gary Tonin, who just won the EBI this past weekend, he won the heavyweight division.

01:05:48.000 He's a 169-pound, I think it is, champion, and he went up and he won the heavyweight division.

01:05:53.000 He went 205, I guess, is the weight class.

01:05:56.000 But that guy would choke out Brock Lesnar, most likely.

01:05:59.000 So Brock Lesnar, when he's fighting, he's not doing jiu-jitsu? 0.99

01:06:03.000 He does jiu-jitsu, and he's fucking gigantic. 0.92

01:06:05.000 But he's not... 0.98

01:06:07.000 I think Brock just got his blue belt.

01:06:09.000 See if that's correct.

01:06:11.000 Brock Lesnar got his blue belt or Brock Lesnar got his purple belt.

01:06:13.000 Might be his purple belt.

01:06:14.000 Is he using more wrestling techniques?

01:06:16.000 Yeah, he's a freak wrestler.

01:06:17.000 I mean, absolutely.

01:06:18.000 You know, as far as like amateur wrestlers go, super successful.

01:06:22.000 Two-time NCAA All-American.

01:06:24.000 I saw a video of him as a collegiate wrestler.

01:06:28.000 Beast.

01:06:28.000 And they were, I guess it's like a documentary that's coming out or something.

01:06:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:06:31.000 And I was like, God, he was, and he was fucking the same Brock Lesnar, that fucking scary look. 0.99

01:06:37.000 What's he got there? 0.99

01:06:38.000 Blue belt.

01:06:39.000 Yeah, he's got a new blue belt.

01:06:41.000 Yeah.

01:06:42.000 So what's it go?

01:06:43.000 It goes white?

01:06:44.000 White, blue.

01:06:45.000 Well, it depends.

01:06:46.000 Some people get weird.

01:06:47.000 They add a bunch of stuff.

01:06:48.000 But this is most jujitsu schools.

01:06:50.000 Because Taekwondo is very different.

01:06:51.000 But jujitsu is white, blue, purple, brown, black.

01:06:56.000 So some people put stripes and stuff in there.

01:06:59.000 Jean-Jacques was never really into that.

01:07:00.000 Jean-Jacques would just go from belt to belt.

01:07:02.000 And Eddie just goes from belt to belt.

01:07:04.000 Yeah.

01:07:04.000 And it's all just...

01:07:06.000 And it's up to them, too.

01:07:08.000 It's not like a test, which is kind of weird.

01:07:10.000 Like everywhere else, like in Taekwondo, you would have to learn forms.

01:07:13.000 You'd have to learn these...

01:07:15.000 In Japan, they call them katas.

01:07:18.000 And these...

01:07:19.000 A bunch of, like, knife hand strike, side kick, knife hand strike, side kick.

01:07:24.000 It's like a dance that you're doing.

01:07:25.000 You know, this preformed thing.

01:07:27.000 And you had to know these things in order to get certain belts.

01:07:31.000 So, like, if you were a purple belt and you wanted to become a brown belt, or is it a red belt?

01:07:35.000 Yeah.

01:07:36.000 It was, I think it went, in Taekwondo, I think it went purple, red, if I remember correctly.

01:07:42.000 Purple, red, green, blue, green, purple, yellow, blue, green, purple, red, black.

01:07:50.000 I think that's it.

01:07:51.000 But it's different in some schools.

01:07:53.000 Like, some schools, they would not have the red.

01:07:55.000 They would have a brown.

01:07:56.000 Like, in karate, it was always brown.

01:07:57.000 It wasn't red.

01:07:58.000 In jiu-jitsu red is like the super master.

01:08:01.000 They have like a coral belt for guys like Hicks and Gracie and John-Jacques Machado.

01:08:04.000 They give them this red belt.

01:08:05.000 Who gives it to them?

01:08:06.000 Their master?

01:08:07.000 It has to be someone of commensurate achievement in jiu-jitsu.

01:08:13.000 You have to get it from one of the great masters.

01:08:16.000 There's a bunch of great masters out there like Henzo Gracie, Hoist Gracie, you know, there's like the old guard too, like Hickson, of course.

01:08:26.000 If Hickson gives you your coral belt, he gave John Jacques Machado his coral belt.

01:08:30.000 That just doesn't get any more prestigious.

01:08:35.000 Yeah.

01:08:36.000 John Jack is a really special guy.

01:08:39.000 His jiu-jitsu is so technical.

01:08:42.000 He was also instrumental in making certain techniques work in MMA because John Jack was born with one hand is deformed and all he has is a thumb on his left hand.

01:08:56.000 He doesn't have any fingers.

01:08:59.000 And because of that, he figured out that he can't rely on grabbing the jiu-jitsu gi, or the kimono, whatever you want to call it.

01:09:08.000 He can't rely on holding onto collars and grabbing sleeves and manipulating people with that.

01:09:13.000 Instead, he switched to overhooks and underhooks and went to more wrestling-based control.

01:09:19.000 So when jiu-jitsu went from being gi-based, primarily in competition, to they started doing Abu Dhabi.

01:09:26.000 And Abu Dhabi was no gi.

01:09:28.000 And when they went with the Abu Dhabi Submission Fighting Championships, Jean-Jacques dominated people.

01:09:34.000 Really?

01:09:34.000 One of the reasons why he dominated is because he's awesome.

01:09:36.000 He's just a super high-level world champion black belt.

01:09:39.000 But two, because he had never relied on the gi.

01:09:44.000 He was just about holding bodies.

01:09:45.000 He was all over hooks and under hooks and it translated perfectly into MMA. Eddie Bravo learned that from Jean-Jacques.

01:09:52.000 He learned that from watching Jean-Jacques and from training under Jean-Jacques and getting his black belt under him.

01:09:57.000 And so Eddie developed his style.

01:09:59.000 Eddie branched out away from the gi.

01:10:01.000 That was like a big controversial thing when he stopped wearing a gi and he started teaching no-gi jiu-jitsu.

01:10:07.000 People got upset at him.

01:10:08.000 In the jiu-jitsu community, that he was abandoning the gi.

01:10:11.000 Really?

01:10:12.000 Yeah, Eddie's a revolutionary man.

01:10:14.000 He really is.

01:10:15.000 When it comes to jiu-jitsu, that guy has a crazy database of information in his head when it comes to jiu-jitsu moves.

01:10:24.000 And a lot of it he learned because he learned John Jacques, at least the base of his style, which John Jacques developed because he couldn't grab onto things.

01:10:32.000 Really interesting.

01:10:33.000 That's really interesting. 0.89

01:10:35.000 Now, this is a silly question.

01:10:36.000 Could, like, could Bruce Lee really fight? 0.98

01:10:39.000 I'm sure Bruce Lee could fuck up a lot of people. 0.98

01:10:42.000 Really? 0.98

01:10:42.000 Yeah, you watch him throw kicks and punches. 0.98

01:10:44.000 That guy definitely knew how to hit things.

01:10:46.000 And there's some video of him sparring.

01:10:48.000 It definitely looked like he did some sparring.

01:10:50.000 So that means if you've done sparring, like, if you've never hit anybody before, boy, that's a weird moment.

01:10:56.000 Like, even, what do you hit?

01:10:58.000 Do you hit bags?

01:10:59.000 You don't hit a bag either?

01:11:00.000 Okay, do you ever have anybody hold the mitts for you?

01:11:01.000 No, nothing?

01:11:02.000 And you're just going to try to hit a person? 0.55

01:11:04.000 I do that.

01:11:04.000 It's not easy to hit people.

01:11:06.000 Hitting a person, it doesn't feel like you think it's going to feel.

01:11:08.000 It feels weird.

01:11:09.000 It feels really weird.

01:11:10.000 Yeah.

01:11:12.000 Although being hit feels totally normal.

01:11:15.000 Does it?

01:11:16.000 When you get hit, you're like, there's no weirdness to it.

01:11:18.000 You're like, oh, that's just like what I remember when I ran into my friend's elbow.

01:11:22.000 That's the same feeling.

01:11:23.000 Yeah, but unless you get tuned up on your jaw.

01:11:25.000 Oh, I've never.

01:11:26.000 You know, you popped on your jaw?

01:11:27.000 No.

01:11:27.000 That's a weird feeling.

01:11:28.000 Because your legs just stop working.

01:11:31.000 I got dropped in a kickboxing match.

01:11:32.000 I got dropped with a left hook.

01:11:34.000 And my legs just...

01:11:35.000 They just shut off.

01:11:37.000 They like shut off.

01:11:38.000 My legs just shut off.

01:11:39.000 They like stopped working.

01:11:41.000 Like somebody...

01:11:41.000 I thought that when you got hit on the jaw and you went down like that is because you were hurt.

01:11:47.000 And because, like, oh my god, this hurts so much I have to fall down.

01:11:50.000 Like, almost.

01:11:51.000 Yeah.

01:11:51.000 But it's not really that.

01:11:54.000 It's something happens when you get hit with, like, a perfect knockout punch or just a knockdown punch.

01:11:59.000 When your jaw...

01:12:01.000 When they connect with your jaw and your jaw, like, displaces... 0.84

01:12:05.000 All that energy on that pivot of your jaw and the brain stem and your spine and whatever fuck is getting damaged in there when your jaw is rattling around against the side of your head. 0.91

01:12:15.000 But it sends a spark like a pow! 1.00

01:12:18.000 And your shit just goes zonk! 1.00

01:12:20.000 Really? 1.00

01:12:20.000 Oh, dude, you just get shut off. 1.00

01:12:22.000 It's weird.

01:12:23.000 And mine was, like, I would say a half shut off because I was still conscious, but my legs stopped working.

01:12:30.000 But I was still super aware that I was in a fight.

01:12:32.000 I knew exactly what was going on.

01:12:34.000 I knew I just got tagged.

01:12:35.000 And I knew, whoa, this has never happened to me before.

01:12:36.000 I never had my legs give out like this.

01:12:38.000 So you didn't go to sleep?

01:12:38.000 No, no, no.

01:12:39.000 No, I was, like, only 50% there.

01:12:40.000 But I've, of course, seen every variety of that, and sometimes you'll see a guy get shut off with a punch, like someone will just hit someone with a perfect punch.

01:12:49.000 Like, you remember when Manny Pacquiao fought Juan Manuel Marquez the last fight?

01:12:53.000 No.

01:12:53.000 See?

01:12:54.000 Oh, my God.

01:12:55.000 One of the greatest all-time one-punch knockouts.

01:12:58.000 Pacquiao's charging in, and this is, like, I think the third or the fourth time they'd fought each other.

01:13:03.000 Maybe the third.

01:13:05.000 And Juan Manuel Marquez uncorks the perfect right hand on Pacquiao's face.

01:13:11.000 Oh, I did see that.

01:13:11.000 Pacquiao face plants, and he's out for a long-ass time.

01:13:15.000 He just face plants.

01:13:19.000 Yeah.

01:13:19.000 Watch this.

01:13:20.000 Boom! 0.99

01:13:21.000 I mean, that is a goddamn perfect punch. 1.00

01:13:24.000 When you can knock a guy like that completely out. 0.98

01:13:27.000 So that's the highest level that you achieve with hitting that spot.

01:13:33.000 The highest level is everything stops.

01:13:36.000 And they've got to wake you up.

01:13:37.000 And you probably don't even remember what happened.

01:13:42.000 But I never got to that.

01:13:44.000 I never got hit and had that happen to me, but having that halfway thing happen where your legs just stop, but you're awake and you know exactly what happened, it's such a weird feeling of vulnerability.

01:13:53.000 Like, I didn't even know that was there.

01:13:54.000 There's a button there.

01:13:55.000 I didn't even know it was there.

01:13:56.000 Like, you don't really know until you get cracked.

01:13:57.000 What is it that happens?

01:13:58.000 Is it a nerve that...

01:13:59.000 Something like that.

01:14:00.000 Yeah, something.

01:14:01.000 I mean, I've explained it, and then I had someone correct me and say, that's not scientifically correct.

01:14:05.000 Which, shocker.

01:14:07.000 Bro science.

01:14:07.000 There you go.

01:14:10.000 What about something happens when you get punched in the jaw that your jaw rattles up against your spine?

01:14:14.000 They go, well, not really.

01:14:16.000 I'm like, well, okay, well, what does happen?

01:14:18.000 Is it the spin of the head?

01:14:19.000 Like, what is it?

01:14:20.000 That makes sense, because that's one thing. 0.97

01:14:23.000 Like, what happens if you get clipped, you notice that people's jaws, their head fucking bounces around a lot on the impact. 0.96

01:14:30.000 Like, if you get caught with a really good body shot, you get dropped, right? 0.99

01:14:33.000 Boom! 0.99

01:14:34.000 Boom! 0.99

01:14:34.000 You get hit and you get dropped. 0.99

01:14:36.000 Your body's kind of absorbing all the shock of that punch. 1.00

01:14:40.000 But your head, when your head absorbs it, your shit just swivels around your neck. 1.00

01:14:45.000 When you think about it, your head is like the worst thing you could ever hit. 1.00

01:14:49.000 This thing is barely connected. 1.00

01:14:51.000 It's all wobbly and shit. 0.99

01:14:53.000 The bones, there's like little stacks of bones. 0.99

01:14:55.000 It's not a big bone. 0.99

01:14:56.000 It's not like a big-ass thigh bone that connects my fucking head to my neck. 1.00

01:15:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:00.000 Like, what's all with this shitty vertebrae stuff where there's gooey gel in between pieces of bone? 0.99

01:15:06.000 What? 1.00

01:15:07.000 What a shit idea. 1.00

01:15:08.000 Whose plan is this? 1.00

01:15:10.000 Who made this?

01:15:11.000 I've been knocked unconscious a couple times now that I think about it.

01:15:15.000 I remember talking about this at one time, how many concussions is normal?

01:15:18.000 I think I've had like ten concussions.

01:15:20.000 That's not normal.

01:15:21.000 That's a lot.

01:15:22.000 At least seven.

01:15:23.000 I probably have a bunch that I was in denial about.

01:15:28.000 Because in sparring, you'd get hit in the head all the time.

01:15:33.000 Young Jamie.

01:15:35.000 Bringeth the beer.

01:15:38.000 Sparring, you get hit in the head all the time.

01:15:40.000 Sometimes you get rocked.

01:15:41.000 And if you're sparring and you get rocked, what does constitute a concussion?

01:15:46.000 Sometimes people have concussions and they don't even have a bad sparring day.

01:15:49.000 They go home and then they start throwing up and they feel weird.

01:15:52.000 They go to the doctor and the doctor goes, you're concussed.

01:15:54.000 And they don't even remember the shot.

01:15:56.000 They don't even remember what got them.

01:15:57.000 Just for whatever reason.

01:15:59.000 Thank you, sir.

01:16:00.000 The...

01:16:02.000 For whatever reason, you know, that can happen to you.

01:16:05.000 I threw up when I got a concussion.

01:16:07.000 Did you?

01:16:07.000 Yeah.

01:16:08.000 That's super common, right?

01:16:09.000 Cheers.

01:16:11.000 Yeah, I threw up.

01:16:11.000 I was in Raleigh Massimino basketball camp, and I got knocked unconscious.

01:16:14.000 I went up for a rebound, and they pulled my feet out, and I landed on my head.

01:16:18.000 I was like 13. I had to go to the Bryn Mawr General Hospital, and I was in a wheelchair.

01:16:25.000 They wouldn't let me get out of the wheelchair and walk.

01:16:27.000 And I was like, I'm fine!

01:16:28.000 And I was just a little loopy, and then I just started throwing up.

01:16:31.000 And I was like, I'm not sick.

01:16:33.000 I don't know why I'm throwing up.

01:16:35.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:16:36.000 Yeah, you don't want to ever admit that you're fucked up when you hit your head. 0.99

01:16:41.000 Dudes are like, I'm fine. 0.99

01:16:42.000 I'm fine.

01:16:44.000 By the way, my parents didn't even...

01:16:45.000 I don't even know if my parents called me. 0.97

01:16:47.000 Like, I look back at that and I go, I wonder if they, like, as a parent of a 12-year-old, I would lose my shit if my kid was in Philadelphia and she got a concussion. 0.99

01:16:56.000 I'd be on a fucking plane tomorrow. 0.99

01:16:58.000 Well, also, when someone gets a concussion like that, you gotta really keep an eye on them for quite a while. 0.99

01:17:03.000 They kept me up.

01:17:04.000 They put me in the rectory.

01:17:06.000 Why do they keep you awake?

01:17:07.000 What's the logic behind that?

01:17:08.000 I don't know.

01:17:09.000 They wake up like every hour.

01:17:10.000 I think because you don't want to fall asleep and go to sleep forever.

01:17:13.000 Ooh, you mean die. 0.55

01:17:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:17:15.000 Oh, you're cheating the reaper. 0.98

01:17:17.000 Yeah.

01:17:18.000 Or are you?

01:17:20.000 See, that's the question.

01:17:21.000 The people that died, I mean, would they have died if they stayed awake too?

01:17:24.000 Is this just, you know what I'm saying?

01:17:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:27.000 I don't know.

01:17:28.000 They put me with the priests and fucking, I know. 0.99

01:17:31.000 I just had a head injury. 1.00

01:17:33.000 Whew.

01:17:36.000 What's it like hanging out with priests?

01:17:39.000 I never really enjoyed it.

01:17:41.000 I just hung out with a lot of priests too.

01:17:43.000 Really?

01:17:44.000 Yeah.

01:17:47.000 No.

01:17:48.000 I raised my eyebrows.

01:17:50.000 You know, it's so funny.

01:17:52.000 I could probably get...

01:17:53.000 I'm like oblivious.

01:17:54.000 You ever see those movies where the shark's in the water and the people are swimming and dancing and having a good time?

01:17:58.000 And then you're like, oh, it's going to get it.

01:17:59.000 It's going to get it.

01:18:00.000 It's going to get it.

01:18:00.000 And then they just get out and they're like, hey, let's go do something else now.

01:18:03.000 And they don't get attacked.

01:18:04.000 But I was probably like that with molestation.

01:18:07.000 Really?

01:18:07.000 I'm certain of it.

01:18:09.000 Really?

01:18:09.000 So it just barely missed you every time?

01:18:11.000 I would have been a mark. 0.96

01:18:12.000 Like, a molester's wet dream. 0.72

01:18:16.000 Because I was just...

01:18:19.000 I don't know.

01:18:19.000 I've always attracted those people in my life, too.

01:18:22.000 Like, people that take advantage of people?

01:18:24.000 Molesters must have had spots on me. 1.00

01:18:30.000 I remember watching a kid get molested one time.

01:18:32.000 Oh no.

01:18:33.000 Not like molested, but like it was definitely an assault.

01:18:37.000 We were in a kid's camp, a Baptist kid's camp.

01:18:40.000 And I remember we were all in our bunk beds and it was lights out and all of a sudden the lights came on.

01:18:46.000 And they're like, these two counselors are like, hog tying time!

01:18:50.000 And everyone's like, Seth, run!

01:18:53.000 And this one kid, I mean, they just came down the bunks.

01:18:55.000 I had no idea what was going on.

01:18:57.000 This one kid came running, and they grabbed him, and they flipped him over.

01:19:00.000 They had a rope, and they hog tied him, and ripped his underwear off him, and then brought him into the shower.

01:19:05.000 And we all went into the shower, and then they had him in the shower, and they were like, what you gonna do, Seth? 0.96

01:19:09.000 And they're like, it was fucking creepy. 0.99

01:19:12.000 Like, they didn't touch his dick or finger his butt or anything, but just the fact that he was tied up, And like... 0.99

01:19:18.000 And they're throwing them in the shower. 0.99

01:19:20.000 And threw them in the shower.

01:19:20.000 And I was like...

01:19:21.000 I remember going, Jesus Christ, note to self, hide when they say hog tying.

01:19:26.000 I went to camp.

01:19:27.000 By the way, those same two guys that did that to them taught me archery.

01:19:31.000 Oh, savages.

01:19:33.000 I went to camp with these kids that tied this kid up.

01:19:35.000 They tied this kid up in his bed and they took his bunk, his little cot, he had a little cot, and they carried it out and he woke up as they were taking him outside.

01:19:42.000 It was pitch black outside too.

01:19:44.000 Pitch black. 0.99

01:19:46.000 And you couldn't see a fucking inch in front of your face. 0.99

01:19:48.000 And they took this kid deep into the woods with a cot. 0.99

01:19:52.000 The kid's yelling, put me back, put me back. 1.00

01:19:54.000 They covered all this shit with toothpaste. 1.00

01:19:56.000 Apparently toothpaste, at least some toothpaste, does not wash out of your clothes. 1.00

01:20:00.000 Really?

01:20:01.000 Yeah.

01:20:01.000 Or if it does, it takes like a tremendous effort.

01:20:04.000 So this guy squirted toothpaste all over this guy's clothes and rubbed it in. 1.00

01:20:08.000 This fucking piece of shit, kids. 1.00

01:20:10.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:20:11.000 Kids away from their parents for the first time. 1.00

01:20:13.000 And just a few weird counselors. 0.99

01:20:16.000 I remember I had this conversation with this counselor.

01:20:18.000 You know, I guess, what do you call him?

01:20:20.000 Boy Scout leader is a scout leader.

01:20:22.000 He's like an Eagle Scout.

01:20:23.000 And the kid was 18, which is like the last year that he could be a Boy Scout, you know?

01:20:27.000 Yeah.

01:20:28.000 And he and I were hanging out.

01:20:30.000 And he was talking to me about all his time and the Boy Scouts and all the things he learned.

01:20:35.000 And now they're kind of kicking him out. 1.00

01:20:37.000 Because you can't be in the Boy Scouts when you're not a fucking boy loser. 1.00

01:20:41.000 Okay? 1.00

01:20:42.000 Boy Scouts are weird that way.

01:20:44.000 And I started to realize, like, this is the dude at the end of his career.

01:20:47.000 Like, it's over for you.

01:20:48.000 You're an Eagle Scout. 1.00

01:20:50.000 You did your shit. 1.00

01:20:51.000 You peaked. 1.00

01:20:51.000 You peaked at 18. But this was a huge part of his life. 1.00

01:20:55.000 I mean, he had all these merit badges and shit all over his clothes. 1.00

01:20:58.000 And they were telling him, son, you gotta fucking stop. 1.00

01:21:01.000 You gotta stop with your fantasy world, with your badges and your fucking ropes around your shoulder. 1.00

01:21:05.000 What are those ropes? 0.99

01:21:06.000 Those little, uh, I don't know.

01:21:09.000 Captain's ropes, don't they have those?

01:21:10.000 Don't they have those little ropes? 0.98

01:21:12.000 What the fuck's that rope all about? 0.99

01:21:13.000 What are you doing there? 1.00

01:21:14.000 I would have definitely got molested if I was Boy Scouts.

01:21:17.000 There was an article I wrote.

01:21:19.000 It's funny how you read things when you're a little kid.

01:21:24.000 Like, I think I was maybe 14 or 15 when I read this.

01:21:28.000 Some guy wrote it in a school newspaper in Newton South High School.

01:21:32.000 So he was talking about the things that they make you say when you're a Boy Scout.

01:21:37.000 I promise to be trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean, and reverent, or something like that.

01:21:43.000 Yeah.

01:21:43.000 I think that's honest, trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean, and reverent.

01:21:47.000 I think those are the commandments, if I remember correctly.

01:21:50.000 Maybe there's more of that.

01:21:52.000 But they were describing them, and they were describing keeping your thoughts clean.

01:21:57.000 And this guy who wrote an article was another high school kid.

01:22:00.000 It's really, really good point.

01:22:02.000 He's like, my mind is, I can have whatever thoughts I want.

01:22:07.000 Like, as long as I don't do anything about them.

01:22:09.000 Like, why should you try to control my thoughts?

01:22:12.000 Yeah.

01:22:13.000 And like, he's right.

01:22:14.000 He's right.

01:22:14.000 Like, what is this think clean?

01:22:16.000 Like, why can't you think terrible, dirty things because it amuses you?

01:22:19.000 You know?

01:22:20.000 As long as I'm not hurting anybody.

01:22:21.000 Well, then what is the point, like... 0.99

01:22:24.000 Like, I've never once thought about fucking a kid. 0.98

01:22:27.000 But like, are there people that legit think that? 0.99

01:22:30.000 Like, they must think that.

01:22:31.000 What do you mean?

01:22:32.000 They think that...

01:22:33.000 Like, I don't have to control my thoughts.

01:22:35.000 Right.

01:22:35.000 There's absolutely people that are attracted to children.

01:22:38.000 And then, so...

01:22:40.000 Obviously, there is something to blame anyone that does that to a child.

01:22:44.000 But how then do you stop their brains?

01:22:47.000 That's what their brain's doing.

01:22:48.000 They're not doing it on purpose, but their brain's going...

01:22:51.000 That's the the real debate when it comes to like when Neuroscientists try to analyze different types of behavior destructive behaviors What when you can look at any type of horrible destructive behavior You get to that one where you literally don't even want to help them.

01:23:10.000 And that's the one.

01:23:11.000 Yeah.

01:23:12.000 You get gambling and alcoholism and even being prone to violence and all the different things.

01:23:18.000 There's all sorts of different therapies and different ways that people would try to move you away from that. 0.99

01:23:23.000 But I got to imagine there's very few therapies that anybody wants to invest in to try to get someone to stop fucking kids. 0.99

01:23:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:32.000 We don't have any tolerance for that at all. 0.99

01:23:36.000 I mean, this is a really volatile question to say, but is it their fault?

01:23:42.000 Well, it's a real good question.

01:23:44.000 And it's so easy to say, of course it is. 1.00

01:23:46.000 Fuck them. 1.00

01:23:47.000 You're having sex with kids, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:23:49.000 It's so easy to say that. 1.00

01:23:50.000 And in a way, you're right for saying that.

01:23:52.000 You're right for thinking that.

01:23:53.000 Because you're angry, because what they're doing is terrible.

01:23:55.000 They're ruining lives.

01:23:57.000 We all know that.

01:23:58.000 But I think human beings are just a combination of experiences and genetics and an environment and all the data that comes into them and The decisions that you make based on all those things they're not even like your your life experience is way different than my life experience and I don't know what happened to him when he was a baby and made him this monster this 45 year old guy who was Jared Yeah,

01:24:22.000 yeah like Jared.

01:24:23.000 I don't know. 0.98

01:24:24.000 I don't know what happened to him, you know Who the fuck knows what torture he endured when he was young? 0.99

01:24:30.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:24:30.000 You never know. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Maybe he's just a bad person?

01:24:34.000 That's a possibility too.

01:24:35.000 I'm not discounting that.

01:24:38.000 What is it about that one thing in particular that we don't have any faith whatsoever that you can ever completely get it out of your system?

01:24:48.000 Well, you never could.

01:24:49.000 That would be like trying to carry me from being straight.

01:24:52.000 You say that, right?

01:24:54.000 But isn't that crazy that there's no biological imperative there?

01:24:59.000 You know, like there's no biological pull to have sex with little kids, right?

01:25:04.000 Right? 1.00

01:25:04.000 That's just a crazy fucked up perversion. 1.00

01:25:07.000 It's not like saying you can never be with a woman again. 1.00

01:25:09.000 You can never feel a woman's touch again. 1.00

01:25:11.000 It's more like saying you can't gamble again.

01:25:14.000 Or more like saying, I'm not going to gamble.

01:25:17.000 There's something like a crazy perverted sexual attraction connection that they're having with people that they shouldn't, like young people, right?

01:25:26.000 Where's that coming from?

01:25:28.000 And if it's coming from them being victimized, and that's what a lot of it is.

01:25:31.000 A lot of it is coming from them being victimized when they're young and they in turn start victimizing other people.

01:25:37.000 It's the most common form of how they think pedophilia actually travels back and forth, almost like a disease. 0.99

01:25:48.000 It's really fucked up. 0.99

01:25:49.000 It's like a disease of the mind. 1.00

01:25:50.000 Like you could give it to somebody. 0.99

01:25:52.000 Fuck with their sexuality if you think about it if you molest again if you molest kids and You if you look at all these guys that wind up being molesters a lot of them were molested as kids It's horrible man, so and obviously a lot of them don't do that and don't have the urge to do that but there's something that happens to some of them where it becomes this really fucked up thing that just keeps passing on from person to person from victim to victim and Which is a horrible stigmatization if you've been molested because you assume 1.00

01:26:22.000 if you tell people, then everyone will think you're going to be molesting kids.

01:26:26.000 What a weird thing it must be to have that impulse, too.

01:26:31.000 An impulse that you know is horrible.

01:26:35.000 I'm so glad I don't have that.

01:26:36.000 Because I cannot control my brain. 0.99

01:26:38.000 I definitely think massively horrible fucking thoughts. 0.99

01:26:42.000 But that has never crept in there. 0.99

01:26:44.000 To the point where I think, I can't imagine what draw it is to...

01:26:52.000 What draw it would be to be with a child?

01:26:54.000 It's not a draw.

01:26:55.000 There's something broken, man.

01:26:57.000 Some crazy disconnect in your mind.

01:27:00.000 I mean, I look at sexuality and I look at, I would like to be with someone, I would like to share a moment with someone accomplished.

01:27:08.000 That knows what they're doing.

01:27:10.000 I would hate to instruct someone.

01:27:12.000 I would never want to sleep.

01:27:13.000 You say that, but do you remember that movie Ten with Bo Derek?

01:27:18.000 Yeah.

01:27:18.000 It's pretty hot, right?

01:27:19.000 Yeah.

01:27:20.000 Okay.

01:27:20.000 Imagine Bo Derek and for whatever reason, she's been on an island for the first 24 years of her life and she's never seen a man.

01:27:28.000 And finally, you and her meet and you're hanging out.

01:27:33.000 It's gonna be the night, but she doesn't know what to do. 0.96

01:27:35.000 I think you'd fucking help her out. 0.96

01:27:36.000 Definitely. 0.98

01:27:37.000 I think you'd show her the way.

01:27:38.000 And I'd definitely tell her a bunch of how it works, like, hey, when I'm done, oh my god, look at that.

01:27:44.000 She's so pretty.

01:27:46.000 What's interesting is that book Lolita.

01:27:50.000 What is that book?

01:27:51.000 I don't know.

01:27:51.000 I read it.

01:27:52.000 I want to say I... I don't know I read it.

01:27:55.000 I think I read it in Russian.

01:27:56.000 Oh, no way.

01:27:57.000 I swear to god.

01:27:58.000 Can you speak fluent Russian?

01:28:00.000 No, I can understand Russian, though.

01:28:02.000 Wow.

01:28:02.000 Now, how much can you read?

01:28:04.000 None anymore.

01:28:05.000 Oh, you used to be able to?

01:28:06.000 Yeah, I used to because it's a different alphabet, and I can't read it at all anymore.

01:28:10.000 And I thought I would be able to pick it up a little bit.

01:28:12.000 I have a diary written in Russian.

01:28:14.000 Whoa.

01:28:15.000 Yeah, when I was backpacking through Europe, because we were all traveling together after Russia, I was keeping a journal, and I was just writing in Russian, because I could be on the train and I could write whatever I want, and no one could really...

01:28:28.000 Read what I wrote.

01:28:29.000 It was a very simple journal.

01:28:32.000 Today it meets.

01:28:35.000 I like riding bikes.

01:28:37.000 Yeah, man.

01:28:39.000 Those kind of life experiences are...

01:28:42.000 To go into the place where they write those things and learn how to write in that language and write your own little blog and speak with those people, that's a crazy life experience, man.

01:28:53.000 That's very enriching.

01:28:55.000 I've been telling this story on stage now of riding motorcycles in Vietnam through rice paddies.

01:29:05.000 Oh, when I called you on the phone?

01:29:07.000 Yeah, it's a great story because we had been drinking and smoking hash when I was riding the motorcycles, and you called, and I was listening to music, and it snapped me into reality.

01:29:16.000 And you're like, what are you doing? 0.95

01:29:17.000 And I told you, and you're like, dude, this is fucking Burt. 0.99

01:29:19.000 This is what it's about. 0.99

01:29:20.000 It was a very pivotal speech in the way I looked at that show, because you're like, these experiences, fuck the show, these experiences define you, and you need to talk about this on stage. 0.88

01:29:31.000 You were like, literally, Think about, look around, remember your surroundings, and bring this up on stage. 0.69

01:29:37.000 And I was like, I will. 0.99

01:29:38.000 And then I was like, fuck yeah. 0.99

01:29:40.000 And the sun was setting, and it was fucking beautiful, and there's oxen in the rice paddies, and there's birds, and I'm listening to Spanish Caravan by the doors, and I'm fucking flying. 0.99

01:29:49.000 And now, I just had this conversation with you, and I'm looking at my shadow in front of me, racing me. 0.86

01:29:53.000 And that's my childhood, and that's my, and I'm like, oh, this is the greatest thing ever.

01:29:57.000 It was like, and then my wife called.

01:30:00.000 Oh, wow.

01:30:00.000 I was like, it worked so well with Joe, we'll try it with her.

01:30:02.000 And she was like, get off the fucking bike! 1.00

01:30:04.000 You have high blood pressure. 1.00

01:30:06.000 But yeah, that's the hardest part is telling these stories on stage.

01:30:10.000 Two totally different reactions.

01:30:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:12.000 It would be great if she coached you on, ride on, birth to conquer!

01:30:15.000 You are the machine!

01:30:16.000 She screams at you, you are the machine! 0.99

01:30:20.000 I got the audio.

01:30:20.000 I told it to Jay Oakerson.

01:30:22.000 It's so funny because they're like, Rogan's your spirit!

01:30:24.000 It was great.

01:30:25.000 I got the audio.

01:30:26.000 I was going to post it and have someone animate it.

01:30:30.000 But yeah, I'm trying to write about those experiences now on this new hour.

01:30:35.000 And it's just, it's really fun.

01:30:37.000 But you know what, man?

01:30:40.000 When you told me to tell the machine story on stage, I learned so much about the art of storytelling and the art of stand-up meshed together. 0.98

01:30:47.000 The hardest part is that I remember how long it took to get that story good, and every story starts with only one little funny part, and you've just got to do it all the fucking time.

01:30:58.000 You've just got to figure it out and work it out and knead it out and tell it as many times as you can.

01:31:03.000 Yeah, it's like you've got to figure out what to cut out to, maybe a better way to describe what was happening.

01:31:10.000 You know, there's an art to it.

01:31:12.000 Some people are just geniuses at it.

01:31:14.000 Some people will tell a story and you just go, you just can't wait.

01:31:17.000 Can't wait to hear what happens next.

01:31:18.000 Some people, they're pacing too.

01:31:20.000 Joey Diaz will slow everything down.

01:31:22.000 Dog, let me tell you something.

01:31:25.000 1986, North Bergen, New Jersey.

01:31:29.000 It's me and Peter Ham sandwich. 0.99

01:31:30.000 And it'll go into this fucking... 1.00

01:31:32.000 I mean, it's like you're a little kid. 1.00

01:31:33.000 You're like, give me the popcorn.

01:31:35.000 His father always carried a comb in his back pocket.

01:31:38.000 He'd comb out with his gimp hand. 0.85

01:31:39.000 He'd comb his hair.

01:31:41.000 Do you remember those combs you used to have with the little pointy things would break off?

01:31:46.000 You'd only have like...

01:31:47.000 You'd have like two fangs and then you'd be missing a fang.

01:31:49.000 Then you'd have the other fangs.

01:31:50.000 You'd be missing a fang.

01:31:52.000 You'd have to kind of like move your hair around with it. 0.99

01:31:54.000 The fucking part where it doesn't work. 0.99

01:31:55.000 The thing I was telling, I was telling Steve-O this. 0.99

01:31:58.000 I just had Steve-O on my podcast, and we were talking about being in comedy and being at the clubs.

01:32:04.000 The thing that it is, is that often the funniest thing you say, you don't realize you're being funny.

01:32:10.000 Sometimes, right?

01:32:11.000 Yeah, and when you have your friends around to be like, hey, is that a bit?

01:32:15.000 And you're like, no, I feel silly for saying it.

01:32:18.000 They're like, no, that's good.

01:32:19.000 Like, Joey, and that is what's great about Joey.

01:32:22.000 I swear to God when I say, I have been with him where he's said the funniest things that no one could write.

01:32:29.000 You'll never be able to find this structure and write it.

01:32:33.000 Yeah, I'll take another one too.

01:32:34.000 Thanks, Jamie.

01:32:34.000 And you just are like...

01:32:38.000 Like he said on my podcast one time, I go, I have a big dog.

01:32:41.000 He's like, dog, I don't trust dogs.

01:32:43.000 I said, why?

01:32:44.000 And he goes, Birdcracker, when I first came to this country, I got attacked by dogs five times.

01:32:49.000 The last dog walked past me and then came back to bite me. 1.00

01:32:53.000 And you're like, what the fuck, man? 1.00

01:32:56.000 And he just has a flat look on his face. 1.00

01:32:58.000 He's not trying to run a bit.

01:33:00.000 He's just telling you his life.

01:33:01.000 Yeah.

01:33:02.000 He's just funny.

01:33:03.000 Joey just knows how to do it.

01:33:05.000 I told him I... That's a cool guy to live near.

01:33:09.000 It's the best.

01:33:10.000 When those homeless people were breaking into my house, Joey drove by every night.

01:33:13.000 How many homeless people broke into your house?

01:33:14.000 A couple.

01:33:15.000 Really?

01:33:16.000 Yeah, because we're under construction.

01:33:17.000 We're renovating.

01:33:18.000 Oh, no.

01:33:19.000 Yeah, first one broke in...

01:33:21.000 Zombies. 0.99

01:33:26.000 Very fucking similar. 1.00

01:33:30.000 You can't scare them. 0.99

01:33:32.000 Really?

01:33:32.000 Yeah, I was sitting.

01:33:33.000 We had dinner at my sister's house.

01:33:35.000 The girls went inside.

01:33:37.000 Everything's under construction.

01:33:38.000 We got like a big dumpster out front.

01:33:40.000 It looks like it's under construction.

01:33:42.000 And I'm sitting off to the side, smoking a cigar in the darkness.

01:33:46.000 And this girl just starts walking in, walking up the driveway, starts to go into our backyard, and I see her and I'm like, wait, do I know?

01:33:52.000 I must know her.

01:33:53.000 It's a weird thing when you get robbed, that you're like, it's like a, such a confrontation that you're like, like, have you ever been like, been in a confrontation and someone's like, hey man, and you're like, oh, I must know this person, hi! 1.00

01:34:03.000 And then they attack you and you're like, oh, fuck! 0.99

01:34:04.000 This is how it starts. 1.00

01:34:07.000 That was what happened.

01:34:08.000 This girl was just going to her backyard. 0.99

01:34:10.000 I go, we must know her.

01:34:11.000 And I go, can I help you?

01:34:12.000 And then she was like, oh, hey.

01:34:14.000 And she said something like, I work for the DWP or some child's organization, something.

01:34:20.000 And I was like, no, this is, this is, you're breaking into my backyard. 0.99

01:34:24.000 And I start fucking shouting at her. 0.99

01:34:27.000 And she just keeps walking towards me. 0.99

01:34:29.000 She's not fucking scared at all. 0.98

01:34:31.000 Priscilla is a 130 pound bull mastiff. 1.00

01:34:33.000 A beast of a fucking dog is going at her. 1.00

01:34:37.000 Like leaping at her. 1.00

01:34:38.000 And all this keeping up is a little tiny like dog fence that we had in our front yard at the time.

01:34:43.000 Fearless.

01:34:44.000 This woman was, you couldn't shake her. 0.99

01:34:46.000 I think a heroin addict probably. 0.66

01:34:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:49.000 And I was like, motherfuckers, we call the cops. 1.00

01:34:52.000 And then the cops show up. 1.00

01:34:53.000 Everyone shits on cops. 0.99

01:34:54.000 I love them. 0.99

01:34:55.000 They showed up in three minutes.

01:34:56.000 They were there in three minutes.

01:34:57.000 The woman had already taken off. 1.00

01:34:58.000 I told them where she went.

01:35:00.000 And the guy's like, yeah, there's a new heroin dealer in town.

01:35:04.000 A lot of junkies and homeless people are going to be loitering around here until we stop that.

01:35:08.000 But he's like, I'm sorry.

01:35:09.000 And I look, and both my daughters are in the doorway, and they're looking out.

01:35:14.000 And I'm like, hey, man.

01:35:15.000 I tell the cops, I go, do you mind if the girls come down for like... 1.00

01:35:19.000 We're good to go.

01:35:36.000 Well, first of all, we will be circling this box all night long.

01:35:38.000 Nothing's happened to this house.

01:35:40.000 We will keep an extra good eye out in this house.

01:35:42.000 And Georgia starts pulling up my shirt. 0.89

01:35:43.000 She's like, Dad, let's go.

01:35:44.000 Dad, let's go.

01:35:45.000 I was like, hold on, Georgia.

01:35:46.000 He's not done.

01:35:47.000 And she's like, Dad, Dad, I think we should go to the house.

01:35:50.000 And I was like, Georgia, it's fine.

01:35:52.000 Finally, the guy gives a speech, and we walk back to the house.

01:35:54.000 And I was wearing this shirt, and she goes, you are wearing a marijuana shirt. 1.00

01:35:59.000 I was like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:36:01.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:36:02.000 Cops don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:36:04.000 Fuck no. 1.00

01:36:05.000 They don't give a fuck about pot. 1.00

01:36:06.000 They want more people on pot. 0.99

01:36:08.000 Everybody just relax.

01:36:09.000 What was bringing the homeless people was we had a port-a-potty in our front yard.

01:36:12.000 Do you know anybody that's ever shot the heroin?

01:36:14.000 Actually shot it?

01:36:15.000 No.

01:36:17.000 That's what Hedberg used to do.

01:36:19.000 Yeah.

01:36:20.000 I didn't know him well, though.

01:36:22.000 I mean, that was when he had gotten gangrene in, I think it was 2003, Stan Hope.

01:36:29.000 Pulled me aside to tell me that he was in the hospital and Hedberg was like his leg was really fucked up and they were worried he was going to lose his leg because he had gangrene from shooting in the same spot.

01:36:41.000 But I didn't know him well.

01:36:42.000 He was more of a friend to Stanhope, but as a comic, I was a huge fan.

01:36:47.000 Well, as a person, I was a huge fan of his.

01:36:48.000 But as a comic, I really respected him.

01:36:50.000 He was a great comic.

01:36:52.000 Yeah, just interesting, too.

01:36:53.000 And really unique.

01:36:54.000 And he just always made me laugh.

01:36:57.000 And I always enjoyed his...

01:37:01.000 He had such an absurd style.

01:37:03.000 It made you giggly.

01:37:04.000 Yeah.

01:37:05.000 It was so unique.

01:37:06.000 Yeah.

01:37:07.000 But he liked that heroin, I guess.

01:37:08.000 Did you hear the reference?

01:37:11.000 Stan Hope made a Mitch Hedberg reference last night.

01:37:15.000 No, I didn't hear it.

01:37:16.000 Dufresne, party of three.

01:37:18.000 Dufresne, party of three.

01:37:19.000 What happened to the Dufresnes?

01:37:22.000 I say we start a search party.

01:37:24.000 Search party of four.

01:37:25.000 Yeah, his pacing and his style of talking.

01:37:31.000 It was the first comic that I ever heard say ain't, and it was poetic.

01:37:36.000 Man, I ain't even gonna do that.

01:37:39.000 Yeah, he had it down.

01:37:41.000 I would watch.

01:37:42.000 I would pay right now.

01:37:43.000 I'm not even joking.

01:37:44.000 If you said to me, I have a 30 for 30. You know what 30 for 30 is?

01:37:50.000 I have a 30 for 30 about Mitch Hedberg that's an hour and 20 minutes that covers all the real...

01:37:56.000 I'd pay easily $1,000 to watch it.

01:38:00.000 Wow.

01:38:00.000 Strong words.

01:38:01.000 I would...

01:38:02.000 I'm...

01:38:02.000 Man.

01:38:03.000 You got a price. 1.00

01:38:04.000 I find that shit interesting. 1.00

01:38:06.000 Me too. 0.99

01:38:06.000 I wanted to do a series for Comedy Central where we had almost like a podcast, but where I would go to all the comics and I would have them tell me their best Attell story, their best Hedberg story, and then I'd compile it all into episodes about comics telling stories about Attell, comics telling stories about Mitch, 0.99

01:38:23.000 comics telling stories about Stanhope.

01:38:25.000 Imagine if you did one with Stanhope, and everyone I had on my podcast, I just took five minutes aside and was like, tell me your best Doug Stanhope story, and then I just compiled that into a three-hour podcast.

01:38:35.000 And then let Doug listen to it, and then at the end of the story go, objection!

01:38:40.000 That would be a badass.

01:38:41.000 It would be badass.

01:38:44.000 Maybe I'll do that about Stanhope.

01:38:46.000 It's not a bad one.

01:38:47.000 I got a gang of stories, I'm sure.

01:38:51.000 He's always been a character.

01:38:52.000 I told a good Stanhope story to Marilyn Manson last night.

01:38:55.000 Did you?

01:38:56.000 Oh, I take that back.

01:38:57.000 I told it on stage.

01:38:58.000 Isn't it weird hanging out with Marilyn Manson? 0.99

01:39:00.000 Very fucking bizarre. 0.99

01:39:01.000 It was odd. 0.99

01:39:02.000 I shook his hand in the process of shaking his hand. 0.99

01:39:04.000 I was like, oh shit, that's Marilyn Manson. 0.99

01:39:06.000 I walked in too, and Doug's like, Manson's in there. 0.99

01:39:09.000 And I think there was like, I was thinking of a guy from Bubba the Love Sponge or something.

01:39:13.000 Oh, okay.

01:39:14.000 And I was like, okay.

01:39:15.000 And then we walked in and I went, oh, that's Marilyn Manson.

01:39:18.000 And I just was like...

01:39:19.000 Super easy to talk to. 1.00

01:39:20.000 Really smart fucking dude. 0.99

01:39:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:22.000 You know, he's a really good artist. 0.99

01:39:24.000 You ever see his work?

01:39:24.000 His art work?

01:39:26.000 When I worked at Barnes& Noble, his book came out.

01:39:29.000 His book, and I was just, I was like, he was from Florida, I was from Florida, so I read the book. 0.91

01:39:34.000 It's fucking really interesting. 0.68

01:39:36.000 It's an interesting way to write a book. 0.95

01:39:37.000 Like, a comic should do what he did.

01:39:39.000 He had a gallery opening or showing of his work, and I went to check it out.

01:39:46.000 It's really interesting.

01:39:47.000 I mean, he's a super creative guy.

01:39:49.000 Very creative.

01:39:50.000 So you can kind of see how it...

01:39:52.000 Look at that.

01:39:53.000 I mean, that's really good stuff.

01:39:55.000 Look at that.

01:39:55.000 That's beautiful art.

01:39:57.000 Yeah.

01:39:57.000 No, he's really good.

01:39:59.000 It's bizarre, weird shit. 0.98

01:40:01.000 Look at that Hunter S. Thompson one he's got there. 0.99

01:40:02.000 He's got...

01:40:03.000 Look at that, the one to the left.

01:40:04.000 That's the Hunter S. Thompson one.

01:40:05.000 Look at that. 0.99

01:40:06.000 That is fucking great. 0.99

01:40:07.000 He did it. 0.99

01:40:08.000 He did a video... 0.98

01:40:09.000 He did a video that he released yesterday about cutting Donald Trump's head off.

01:40:16.000 Do you think he sells that as a print?

01:40:18.000 Yeah, I know he did a video about cutting Donald Trump's head off, and that is not going to fare well now.

01:40:25.000 I think that's illegal now, right? 0.97

01:40:27.000 Like, once someone's the president, I don't think you can make jokes about killing them. 0.99

01:40:30.000 You can't cut their heads off. 0.99

01:40:31.000 And then I was like, oh, I made a video, too.

01:40:33.000 It's a little different.

01:40:34.000 And I showed him mine, and it's me and a thong coming out of a port-a-potty.

01:40:37.000 I saw that.

01:40:38.000 And he was like, he goes, he laughed.

01:40:41.000 He was like, oh, that's funny.

01:40:42.000 That's really funny.

01:40:43.000 And I was like, well, how much did it cost you to shoot yours?

01:40:45.000 No. 0.98

01:40:48.000 Yeah, he had a rubber head.

01:40:49.000 The whole deal. 0.99

01:40:50.000 That Hunter S. Thompson from Manson is fucking amazing. 0.97

01:40:53.000 I wonder if they have prints of that. 0.98

01:40:54.000 I bet you could call Marilyn Manson.

01:40:56.000 And ask him if he has a print of that?

01:40:58.000 That would be annoying.

01:40:59.000 Not at all.

01:41:00.000 Not from you.

01:41:01.000 It'd be annoying.

01:41:02.000 Somebody called me and said, how do I get your DVD? Amazon.com, stupid. 1.00

01:41:05.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:41:08.000 What is that?

01:41:08.000 A thinly veiled request?

01:41:10.000 That's why I'm not famous.

01:41:12.000 I call Marilyn Manson and go, do you know how I get one of your albums?

01:41:16.000 Just download it on iTunes.

01:41:18.000 People get mad.

01:41:19.000 There are some bands that you can't buy on iTunes, right?

01:41:22.000 Tool.

01:41:23.000 Maynard Scott?

01:41:24.000 Is that his name?

01:41:26.000 Maynard Keenan.

01:41:27.000 Tool is, dude, the fucking... 1.00

01:41:30.000 The Tool album with Prison Sex on it is the greatest fucking album. 1.00

01:41:36.000 I love that album. 0.99

01:41:38.000 Top to bottom was one of my favorite albums.

01:41:39.000 That's when I got into Ecstasy and Coke in college.

01:41:42.000 Man. 1.00

01:41:42.000 That Prison Sex, I used to listen to that shit when I worked out. 1.00

01:41:45.000 That was like a weightlifting song. 1.00

01:41:48.000 You get fucking fired up, man. 0.99

01:41:50.000 Sober. 0.99

01:41:52.000 Good jams on that. 1.00

01:41:53.000 Man, that is a great fucking album. 0.99

01:41:55.000 That was a great podcast when you had him on. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Yeah, he's interesting.

01:41:58.000 He's a really interesting guy.

01:42:00.000 He's a very smart dude.

01:42:02.000 Almost too smart.

01:42:03.000 Cool boots.

01:42:04.000 He's got cool boots.

01:42:05.000 Always has cool boots.

01:42:08.000 He makes really good wine.

01:42:10.000 Yeah!

01:42:11.000 Really good wine. 0.99

01:42:12.000 I'm not, obviously, not a sommelier or anything like that, but I know what tastes good, and his shit tastes really good, and he knows so much about it. 0.95

01:42:20.000 You talk to him about it, the way he describes it, and explains the process, and he's super, super into it. 0.97

01:42:28.000 I'm fascinated by that guy.

01:42:31.000 Him, Marilyn Manson, what was the other guy, Trent Reznor?

01:42:35.000 There was a whole genre.

01:42:36.000 Now those guys turn into club DJs.

01:42:39.000 They turn into Diplo or Skrillex.

01:42:41.000 Back then they made albums.

01:42:44.000 Well, those guys make albums, don't they?

01:42:45.000 No, they do one song and release it.

01:42:48.000 And then they tour...

01:42:49.000 Do you ever follow...

01:42:50.000 Are you on Snapchat at all?

01:42:51.000 No.

01:42:52.000 Diplo on Snapchat is one of the most interesting lives a human could live.

01:42:56.000 Really?

01:42:57.000 He is in...

01:42:58.000 Am I right?

01:42:59.000 He is on private jets.

01:43:00.000 I met Diplo a long time ago before he was...

01:43:03.000 I mean, I'm sure he was famous, but he was going to do a show for Travel Channel.

01:43:06.000 And we went out, and he was so interested in hosting.

01:43:08.000 He's like, I really want to get into hosting. 0.98

01:43:11.000 Thank fucking God they didn't pick up his show. 0.98

01:43:13.000 He travels on private jets to Helsinki, then to Tokyo, then to Ibiza, then to... 0.99

01:43:19.000 I mean, he's in Vegas once a week with Skrillex.

01:43:24.000 They do a party. 1.00

01:43:25.000 And, like, it's the craziest fucking life, man. 1.00

01:43:29.000 He's just super balling. 1.00

01:43:30.000 He's super balling. 0.99

01:43:31.000 And he doesn't look like he spends a ton of money, other than private jets, but he seems like he's got his shit together. 0.95

01:43:39.000 He's a really sweet dude.

01:43:40.000 And they do a show in Vegas every week?

01:43:42.000 Him and Skrillex.

01:43:43.000 Wow.

01:43:44.000 I watched on Viceland?

01:43:47.000 What's the TV show?

01:43:48.000 Viceland?

01:43:48.000 Yeah.

01:43:49.000 Viceland?

01:43:49.000 On Noisy, the host, who I forgot his name, but he's a great host of Noisy.

01:43:54.000 He really is a fantastic host.

01:43:56.000 Speaking from a hosting perspective, very laissez-faire, casual host.

01:44:03.000 I wish I knew his name.

01:44:04.000 I'd give him a shout-out.

01:44:06.000 He went to Vegas for a weekend and partied with all those guys and just their lifestyle and how much money they make.

01:44:14.000 I mean, they were making, you know, and then I didn't even know that DJ AM, do you remember that guy?

01:44:18.000 He died of a heroin overdose, but he was in the plane crash. 0.99

01:44:23.000 He was a great fucking DJ. Like, a legit great DJ. And I was like, oh, I just thought he was some reality star. 0.99

01:44:29.000 I didn't know he could DJ. Like, he went on to Big Boy in the Morning, I think, and was the first person to do mashups of, like, Run DMC and Sweet Home Alabama.

01:44:41.000 And he was playing Sweet Home Alabama on the fucking Breakfast Club, and everyone's like, oh, shit! 1.00

01:44:47.000 It's a fucking... 1.00

01:44:49.000 I got really into that. 1.00

01:44:50.000 That's one of my wormholes that I went down was started googling everything about these DJs.

01:44:55.000 And then I end up watching a girl doing drums. 0.98

01:44:59.000 Have you seen these girls that do drums? 1.00

01:45:00.000 It's fucking baddest thing. 0.98

01:45:02.000 Well, isn't it interesting what shows have come to in Vegas? 0.98

01:45:06.000 Like what a thing used to be in Vegas is you would go to Vegas and you would see a band and you still do that a lot in Vegas, but More often than that, you have DJs, and these DJs, they have regular shows at these places.

01:45:20.000 Yeah.

01:45:20.000 They do it all the time.

01:45:22.000 Would you take, would you, this is a silly question, would you take a, um, what are you looking for?

01:45:26.000 I was gonna give you a bottle, but you got it.

01:45:29.000 Would you take a residency somewhere?

01:45:30.000 I don't think so.

01:45:31.000 I don't think that would be as fun.

01:45:33.000 What if it, what if it was in LA? I think I'd like to do whatever the fuck I want to do. 0.98

01:45:37.000 I like doing it exactly how I'm doing it. 0.98

01:45:39.000 I don't want to do a resident.

01:45:41.000 I don't want to be required to be in one spot.

01:45:43.000 Because I'd like to schedule Phoenix one weekend, Boston another weekend.

01:45:48.000 I like to do it like that.

01:45:49.000 I don't like to do it where I have to be somewhere.

01:45:52.000 Yeah.

01:45:52.000 Every week.

01:45:53.000 It's not a bad thing, but if you can have freedom, take freedom.

01:45:57.000 Always.

01:45:58.000 That's what I think.

01:45:58.000 What if they said, what if, hypothetically speaking, Bill Burr...

01:46:02.000 Doug Stanhope, myself, you, Fitzsimmons, did once a month in Vegas and did that show in Vegas.

01:46:10.000 Like that?

01:46:11.000 Like that.

01:46:11.000 Wow.

01:46:13.000 Yeah, I would commit to that.

01:46:15.000 I'd commit to that.

01:46:16.000 That would be so fun.

01:46:17.000 By the way, I'd definitely commit to that because I would be the one probably making sure dinner was ready for everybody.

01:46:21.000 But why do we have to fly to Vegas?

01:46:22.000 Why not do it here?

01:46:23.000 Why not do it exactly like we did last night?

01:46:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:26.000 Yeah, see, don't complicate shit. 0.99

01:46:28.000 Oh, yeah, I guess. 0.99

01:46:28.000 Yeah, we're in the store. 0.99

01:46:30.000 We all live here. 0.99

01:46:30.000 Why the fuck are we flying somewhere else? 0.99

01:46:33.000 Good point. 0.99

01:46:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:34.000 Sometimes I complicate things just because I go, that would be fun for us all in hotel rooms.

01:46:38.000 Well, you're thinking about having a residency. 0.98

01:46:40.000 You want to be like Dean Martin and fucking Sammy Davis Jr. So badly. 0.99

01:46:45.000 The new Rat Pack, ladies and gentlemen.

01:46:47.000 Everybody wants to be the new Rat Pack.

01:46:49.000 This is the gang.

01:46:50.000 The gang's all here.

01:46:51.000 The bro pack.

01:46:52.000 The bro pack.

01:46:53.000 We're brewing out, bro.

01:46:55.000 Yeah, but doing a super show is that, you know, like what last night was like a podcast super show.

01:47:01.000 Yeah.

01:47:02.000 We should definitely do that more often.

01:47:03.000 That was so much fun.

01:47:04.000 It was like one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.

01:47:06.000 It was so great because, like, when I did my 200th episode, I did it with Tom and Bill, and my man came and we smoked cigars, and halfway through I went, oh wait, I've had the ability to do something like this all the time, is have my friends come in together, and us just hang out and drink and bullshit.

01:47:21.000 Yeah, we could do that all the time.

01:47:23.000 But that last night was just...

01:47:24.000 I'll never...

01:47:25.000 I will, for the next week, I'll remember moments of that and just giggle.

01:47:29.000 I wish I was there for the Sarah Tiana-Bill Burr pornography fight.

01:47:34.000 Yeah.

01:47:34.000 I'm very bummed out that I had left when that was going down.

01:47:37.000 It would have been...

01:47:38.000 It was an interesting debate. 0.98

01:47:41.000 I think it all started with condoms and porn. 0.98

01:47:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:44.000 Well, people get weirder when it comes to watching people fuck. 0.99

01:47:47.000 Some people don't think you should be able to do it. 1.00

01:47:49.000 I'm into the weirdest shit now. 0.99

01:47:51.000 Are you? 1.00

01:47:51.000 I broke my governor. 1.00

01:47:52.000 Talk to me. 1.00

01:47:53.000 I'm fucking... 1.00

01:47:54.000 What are you, into choking? 1.00

01:47:55.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:47:57.000 I was into...

01:47:58.000 Mascara? 0.96

01:47:59.000 I got into quicksand porn for a second. 0.91

01:48:01.000 But you remember, we talked about that.

01:48:03.000 Some guys can't come unless the girl's mascara is covered with sweat from gag and tears. 1.00

01:48:08.000 That doesn't turn me on. 0.98

01:48:10.000 My big thing is close-up orgasms. 0.97

01:48:14.000 Close up. 0.98

01:48:15.000 You like them close up?

01:48:16.000 Yeah, because that's the way I see them in real life. 0.99

01:48:17.000 My wife is the one that fucked me up. 1.00

01:48:18.000 She was like, while I was watching someone, and it was like a guy, and the girl's gagging. 1.00

01:48:22.000 She was like, I don't fucking gag, and I was like, no shit. 0.99

01:48:25.000 And then she was like, oh my god. 0.99

01:48:27.000 And then she was like, she was like, she was like, yeah, but that's so funny that you'd watch something that you don't even do.

01:48:32.000 And I went, what do you mean?

01:48:33.000 She's like, you're watching something that's total fantasy.

01:48:36.000 Like, you have no attachment to that. 0.99

01:48:38.000 So it's almost like the sex you have is something totally different than what you masturbate to. 1.00

01:48:42.000 And I was like, that's a good fucking call. 0.99

01:48:44.000 So I tried to really dial it in to, like, what are the things that actually turn me on in real life? 0.99

01:48:51.000 And one of the things is, if my wife has an orgasm, I'm usually down there. 1.00

01:48:55.000 And that really turns me on. 1.00

01:48:57.000 When that happens, I'm like, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:48:58.000 So I got really into close-up orgasms. 0.99

01:49:01.000 I just got super uncomfortable.

01:49:04.000 So did the rest of the world.

01:49:06.000 Everybody listening went, Jesus, Bert.

01:49:08.000 There's another thing called downblowsing.

01:49:11.000 Downblowsing?

01:49:12.000 Yeah, but it's very...

01:49:13.000 No, I'm being serious.

01:49:14.000 Type in downblowsing.

01:49:16.000 Like when a girl bend over to fix her shoe or something? 0.99

01:49:18.000 You look down her blouse and see her tits? 1.00

01:49:20.000 That's a genre of it, but the genre I got into, if you look on Pornhub, it's downblowsing, and it's just girls with loose-fitting shirts cleaning. 0.99

01:49:30.000 Which is the real, like that is something that I walk into the kitchen and my wife will be like doing the dishes in her pajama top shirt and you'll see like a side tit and you'll be like How's that go? 0.98

01:49:43.000 There's tigers in here! 0.97

01:49:44.000 There's a tiger in the city!

01:49:47.000 Yeah, see?

01:49:48.000 Look, look, look, look, look.

01:49:48.000 This is hilarious.

01:49:50.000 And that's all it is.

01:49:51.000 Down blouser. 1.00

01:49:52.000 So it's like the women are working, and you see their tits accidentally while they're working. 1.00

01:49:56.000 Yeah. 0.91

01:49:57.000 And it's like 400,000 downloads.

01:50:00.000 So this girl is sitting there. 1.00

01:50:01.000 She's jiggling her tits back and forth. 1.00

01:50:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:50:04.000 And just pretending that she's working. 0.99

01:50:06.000 And usually they're talking to you, like about just mundane stuff.

01:50:10.000 God, I hate to clean. 1.00

01:50:12.000 I really want to suck some cock. 1.00

01:50:16.000 There's a lot of these. 1.00

01:50:17.000 Because it's moments that you get in real life when you see a woman's tit from a down blouse and you're like, whoa! 0.93

01:50:23.000 And it's not pervy.

01:50:24.000 You weren't doing it on purpose.

01:50:25.000 It's very pervy.

01:50:26.000 What are you talking about?

01:50:27.000 It's a little pervy. 1.00

01:50:28.000 This is pervy as fuck. 1.00

01:50:29.000 It's like you can almost see your nipple, but not quite. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Oh, I just saw it. 0.98

01:50:33.000 I just saw it.

01:50:34.000 How come this is on the YouTube? 0.90

01:50:36.000 If you could just see a nipple. 0.99

01:50:37.000 How come it's only got 16,000 down views?

01:50:40.000 People.

01:50:41.000 Oh, there's straight up nudity.

01:50:43.000 This is why we need Donald Trump.

01:50:44.000 Wait, that's straight up nudity.

01:50:45.000 Yeah.

01:50:46.000 They haven't found it yet.

01:50:47.000 It's in the YouTube. 0.98

01:50:48.000 Well, that lady over on the right with her big boobs. 1.00

01:50:51.000 That looks like you can see her nipples too. 1.00

01:50:53.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:50:54.000 Like, you know that race car video where the girl's top pops open?

01:50:58.000 She's in a sports car, and they're riding fast, and she's holding on, and then her top pops open? 0.99

01:51:02.000 There's something super sexy about that, and it's not watching a girl gagging a cock. 1.00

01:51:06.000 Look at that girl. 1.00

01:51:07.000 Jesus.

01:51:07.000 Jamie, what's going on?

01:51:09.000 Look at her. 1.00

01:51:10.000 She's like, you want to see my tits? 1.00

01:51:11.000 Nope. 1.00

01:51:12.000 Psych.

01:51:13.000 I don't think so.

01:51:14.000 Psych.

01:51:15.000 Psych.

01:51:16.000 It's like almost.

01:51:18.000 I'm gonna do an equivalent.

01:51:19.000 Down blousing.

01:51:20.000 An equivalent of this, but it's called down dicking.

01:51:23.000 Down dicking.

01:51:24.000 And it's just me. 1.00

01:51:25.000 You can barely see my dick. 1.00

01:51:27.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

01:51:27.000 I get it. 1.00

01:51:29.000 I get it.

01:51:29.000 It's not bad, right?

01:51:30.000 No, not at all.

01:51:31.000 This girl.

01:51:32.000 Oh, and you keep going, come on, move. 0.94

01:51:35.000 Yeah.

01:51:35.000 Fall off to the side.

01:51:38.000 Yeah, down blousing's... 1.00

01:51:40.000 Brett, you're into some weird shit. 1.00

01:51:41.000 I had no shit. 1.00

01:51:42.000 What happened? 0.99

01:51:43.000 Because I was watching regular porn, and then it just kind of escalated. 0.99

01:51:50.000 Truth be told, I was with a dominatrix one time, and she showed me some videos, and it was bizarre shit. 0.98

01:51:56.000 She showed me a video that I was like, I don't get it, but then I got it. 0.96

01:52:00.000 It was a girl in pantyhose, and she was by the pool, and her friend was spraying her with a hose.

01:52:08.000 And it wasn't even like that's all they were doing, but it just looked sexy. 0.99

01:52:10.000 And I was like, oh shit, it doesn't have to be hardcore porn. 0.99

01:52:14.000 It can just be something hot. 1.00

01:52:16.000 Something where you're like, oh fuck. 0.99

01:52:19.000 And then I had that conversation with my wife, and I was like, yeah, I should find stuff that's more connective. 0.99

01:52:24.000 Hmm.

01:52:24.000 Do you ever look at a girl in porn and you're like, how did she not...

01:52:28.000 How did she get in there?

01:52:29.000 Like, how come she just isn't being a model or an actress? 0.65

01:52:32.000 Yeah.

01:52:32.000 Like, she's so beautiful.

01:52:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:34.000 What the fuck happened? 1.00

01:52:35.000 There's a girl that gives massages. 1.00

01:52:37.000 Do you know who the girl I'm talking about? 0.76

01:52:39.000 She's got black hair.

01:52:41.000 I've watched a lot of...

01:52:42.000 I'm going to share this one time.

01:52:44.000 Okay.

01:52:44.000 Because, you know, they go, would you like to share this video on Facebook?

01:52:47.000 You're like, no.

01:52:49.000 Okay.

01:52:49.000 I'm going to post it to my Facebook timeline.

01:52:52.000 Hey guys, guess what I was doing at 2 in the morning?

01:52:55.000 But there's a girl that gives massages and she's all in white. 1.00

01:52:59.000 She wears all white.

01:53:01.000 And she is so beautiful.

01:53:04.000 She might be as beautiful as Anne Hathaway. 0.99

01:53:08.000 She looks like Anne Hathaway, kind of. 0.69

01:53:10.000 If anyone knows this woman I'm talking about, send me a picture or just send it to Jamie.

01:53:15.000 Don't you think there's a bunch of them?

01:53:16.000 No, there's one girl specifically.

01:53:19.000 Who would have thunk that that would be a market that someone could corner?

01:53:22.000 The Massage on YouPorn.

01:53:27.000 She's got that down.

01:53:28.000 Yeah.

01:53:29.000 Whoever thought Backroom Casting Couch would ever be a show?

01:53:32.000 That's a whole thing.

01:53:33.000 Oh, I watch just because I try to figure out if it's real or not.

01:53:37.000 I don't think it can be.

01:53:38.000 I think you have to sign papers.

01:53:40.000 No, but I watch it the same way I watch Magician.

01:53:43.000 Like, I'm waiting to see the trick.

01:53:44.000 Right, right, right.

01:53:45.000 I'm waiting to see her slip up and go, Dave, seriously?

01:53:47.000 And he's like, what?

01:53:47.000 How do you know my name?

01:53:50.000 Hmm.

01:53:50.000 I think I'd recognize that guy in a locker room.

01:53:53.000 Hmm.

01:53:53.000 Yeah.

01:53:54.000 Just from his voice and his hernia.

01:53:56.000 How strange that that is a genre.

01:54:01.000 Like, you're excited.

01:54:02.000 You're there with him while he's casting these girls.

01:54:05.000 Like, let me see what you can do.

01:54:07.000 Okay, now.

01:54:08.000 Should I do it now?

01:54:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:54:09.000 Get on your knees.

01:54:10.000 You're like...

01:54:11.000 You're alone in your hotel room.

01:54:13.000 He says the same verbiage every time.

01:54:15.000 So, I'm going to send this tape to casting directors. 1.00

01:54:17.000 But first, I'm going to need you to get naked and suck my dick. 1.00

01:54:20.000 And the look on her face, it comes at her so fast. 1.00

01:54:23.000 She's like, huh?

01:54:24.000 Huh? 0.96

01:54:25.000 And I go, literally, if this is real, if this is real and it's casted, porn stars aren't that good.

01:54:31.000 Right, as an actor. 0.84

01:54:32.000 Yeah, as an actor, they're not that good.

01:54:34.000 Well, I'm sure if he's made a bunch of them over the years, he knows what he can do and not do.

01:54:39.000 So you could always get someone to sign the paper after you do all this stuff.

01:54:42.000 He should start a YouTube channel with all the fails.

01:54:44.000 All the people that walk out on him.

01:54:47.000 Yeah, but then you can't use their footage.

01:54:48.000 Or you could blur their face.

01:54:49.000 Yeah, blur their face.

01:54:50.000 I guess I want to see the...

01:54:51.000 You'd want to see the reaction.

01:54:54.000 Yeah.

01:54:55.000 I don't think you can do that.

01:54:57.000 There's like certain laws.

01:54:59.000 Yeah.

01:54:59.000 And you know the laws are different in different states, too.

01:55:01.000 Vegas, you can do it.

01:55:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:03.000 You can do a lot of crazy shit in Vegas. 1.00

01:55:05.000 That's why they did cranky anchors there. 1.00

01:55:07.000 Yeah.

01:55:07.000 Have you seen...

01:55:11.000 Shit, what's the... 1.00

01:55:12.000 Impractical Jokers? 1.00

01:55:14.000 No, I have not. 0.99

01:55:15.000 It's a funny fucking show. 0.99

01:55:17.000 I keep hearing it's really good. 1.00

01:55:18.000 I don't like prank shows, but it is a funny fucking prank show. 0.98

01:55:23.000 I've never been a fan of pranking people. 0.98

01:55:26.000 No, I'm a...

01:55:28.000 I'm a fan of Doug Stanhope, and Doug Stanhope's a fan of them, so I take it on by proxy.

01:55:32.000 Yeah.

01:55:33.000 I watched it because of Stanhope. 0.97

01:55:34.000 I wouldn't watch it because I don't like prank shows, but it's fucking hilarious. 0.96

01:55:38.000 Do you know who used to have a really fucking good prank show? 0.97

01:55:41.000 Who? 0.99

01:55:41.000 Jamie Kennedy. 0.99

01:55:43.000 Dude.

01:55:45.000 I... Remember that show?

01:55:46.000 Yes.

01:55:47.000 What was it called?

01:55:47.000 The X something?

01:55:48.000 The X Factor.

01:55:49.000 X Factor.

01:55:49.000 No, no, not The X Factor.

01:55:50.000 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

01:55:52.000 That's it.

01:55:54.000 And he used to say like you got exed or something like that at the end.

01:55:58.000 Didn't he say something like that?

01:55:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:56:01.000 Jamie Kennedy's an interesting guy because he is extremely fucking talented. 0.82

01:56:06.000 But he's not working right now. 0.74

01:56:08.000 I don't see him at least.

01:56:09.000 I saw him at the store the other day.

01:56:10.000 I didn't see his set though.

01:56:13.000 Yeah, you don't hear about him that much.

01:56:14.000 Was he on that show, that ghost show?

01:56:17.000 Ghost Whisperer show or something like that?

01:56:19.000 Yeah, because he started dating that girl. 0.98

01:56:21.000 That girl I think fucks everyone's head up. 1.00

01:56:24.000 Love. 0.99

01:56:25.000 What's her name again?

01:56:26.000 Jennifer Love Hewitt.

01:56:27.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:56:27.000 Man, I watched her Day in the Life on MTV, and it reeked of fucking crazy. 0.99

01:56:32.000 Like, reeked of crazy. 0.99

01:56:34.000 She was like, I bought you a present to her friend, and her friend's like, you don't need to buy me presents. 0.92

01:56:38.000 I like you.

01:56:39.000 She's like, I still want to buy you a present.

01:56:40.000 Wow.

01:56:41.000 Jamie Kennedy did something.

01:56:43.000 I'm going to put this out to the listeners.

01:56:44.000 If you can find this for me, I swear to God, it would be the biggest gift in the world.

01:56:50.000 He did a show with Stu Stone.

01:56:54.000 Do you know the name of that show?

01:56:56.000 Stu Stone, it was called Making It or something.

01:57:00.000 They were rappers.

01:57:01.000 It was a scripted reality show.

01:57:03.000 It wasn't a reality show.

01:57:04.000 It was scripted, but it was about them wanting to be hip-hop stars.

01:57:10.000 It's called Blowing Up.

01:57:11.000 Blowing Up.

01:57:12.000 And so there's an episode where Jamie's doing a test.

01:57:16.000 He's going to do a TV show, a movie with Tracy Morgan.

01:57:20.000 And to do the screen test, he needs to get put in blackface. 1.00

01:57:24.000 He needs to be dressed as a black man. 1.00

01:57:26.000 So they dress him as a black man, and he gets all dressed up as a black guy. 0.91

01:57:30.000 And Tracy Morgan convinces him that he's very convincing as a black guy. 0.81

01:57:34.000 And that what he should do is him and Stu Stone should both get in face paint and look like black people, and then go down to the 3-6 Mafia show and freestyle for them, because as black men, the 3-6 Mafia will really appreciate it. 0.99

01:57:50.000 And Joe, there is a moment where they're driving in a car to Long Beach and dresses two black guys, and they're talking to each other, and they're like, do you think this is a good idea? 0.93

01:58:05.000 Is there hidden cameras in the car?

01:58:07.000 Yes!

01:58:08.000 And Jamie's like, I don't know, man.

01:58:10.000 Do you think?

01:58:11.000 I mean, we're just going to Long Beach, right?

01:58:13.000 And the other guy's like, isn't that where Snoop's from? 1.00

01:58:29.000 They go out in front of a fucking audience, Joe! 1.00

01:58:32.000 They go out on stage in front of all black people and rap! 1.00

01:58:37.000 And how good was it? 1.00

01:58:38.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:58:40.000 I could not stop laughing! 0.99

01:58:41.000 It was the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen! 0.91

01:58:45.000 And I saw Jamie Kennedy one time at the Ontario Improv, and I was like, dude, I gotta take two seconds and tell you how hard that made me laugh. 0.90

01:58:52.000 And he was like, yeah, you can't find it anywhere.

01:58:54.000 MTV dropped it and they burned it.

01:58:56.000 You can't get it.

01:58:57.000 Because he's in Blackface. 1.00

01:58:58.000 Because he's in Blackface. 1.00

01:59:00.000 He looks so much like a black man. 0.94

01:59:01.000 You can't even find an image, a screen grab of that online.

01:59:04.000 How weird is that?

01:59:06.000 How weird is that?

01:59:08.000 But think how strange that is.

01:59:10.000 Like, I get it that it was from minstrel shows where white men would put on blackface and do these offensive representations of black men, but that's a different look.

01:59:20.000 When they were doing it, they were doing, like, this big thing where they were putting, like, white around their lips, and it was, like, really exaggerated.

01:59:27.000 Do you ever see that, uh, what's this guy's name, Al?

01:59:30.000 Al Jolson.

01:59:31.000 Al Jolson, thank you.

01:59:32.000 Remember when he would do that?

01:59:33.000 Yeah.

01:59:33.000 Jamie, pull up some video of Al Jolson in blackface.

01:59:37.000 See if they take it off YouTube. 0.99

01:59:39.000 Do you think they take that shit down now? 0.99

01:59:41.000 Or do you think you can watch it? 1.00

01:59:42.000 No, you can't.

01:59:42.000 That actually might be in the public domain because it's like one of the first things.

01:59:46.000 But I would worry that it was offensive, that it violates their terms of service.

01:59:50.000 Oh, no.

01:59:51.000 No?

01:59:51.000 It's already on YouTube.

01:59:52.000 Okay.

01:59:54.000 Um, didn't Bill Cosby, like, take down the Little Rascals?

01:59:57.000 He owns the Little Rascals.

01:59:59.000 Bought the Little Rascals.

02:00:00.000 And tucked it away.

02:00:01.000 Yeah, but I hear the rapists are gonna start airing it again.

02:00:03.000 Really? 0.54

02:00:03.000 The people that got raped are getting them. 0.54

02:00:05.000 Really?

02:00:05.000 They're gonna start airing them.

02:00:06.000 No, I'm kidding.

02:00:07.000 I'm kidding.

02:00:08.000 I'm kidding.

02:00:08.000 Look at Al Jolson.

02:00:10.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:00:12.000 Give me some volume. 0.99

02:00:16.000 Jamie, turn this up a little bit.

02:00:19.000 How crazy is this, man?

02:00:21.000 Mammy?

02:00:22.000 Yeah.

02:00:30.000 I think this came out in 1927 or something.

02:00:42.000 This lady's crying like he's moving into tears. 1.00

02:00:49.000 This is so crazy. 0.99

02:01:10.000 He doesn't even do a good impression of a black guy. 0.98

02:01:12.000 Well, maybe black people are different in the 20s.

02:01:15.000 Yeah, but he's using the words.

02:01:18.000 That a black guy would use, but he's doing it as a white guy. 0.79

02:01:21.000 As a white guy, yeah. 0.62

02:01:23.000 Well, it's just really bizarre.

02:01:25.000 First of all, it's bizarre when you think that that was top of the food chain entertainment in 1927. So less than a hundred years ago.

02:01:34.000 Can you imagine if somebody went to a concert and the dude was wearing black paint with white stuff around his lips and he was singing that song?

02:01:43.000 You would think you were in some sort of a weird, abstract, modern performance art show.

02:01:49.000 You know, some weird, like, alt-hipster.

02:01:52.000 Vincent Gallo would do that now.

02:01:53.000 Something strange.

02:01:55.000 But then, he wasn't joking around.

02:01:57.000 That was like he was trying to, like, be, what a wonderful song, Al.

02:02:01.000 What a wonderful song.

02:02:02.000 Like, those people were apes.

02:02:05.000 Like, just from 1927. They were so goofy that that was fun for them. 0.92

02:02:09.000 They're like, we're gonna go see the Al Jolson movie. 0.87

02:02:12.000 That Al Jolson's a hell of an entertainer.

02:02:14.000 I love when he sings.

02:02:16.000 He's got a beautiful voice.

02:02:18.000 He sounds just like them.

02:02:19.000 It was the first talkie.

02:02:21.000 That was the first talkie?

02:02:22.000 The first movie was Synchronized Sound.

02:02:23.000 That one was?

02:02:24.000 Yeah.

02:02:24.000 So they had just all silent films until then.

02:02:26.000 Wow.

02:02:27.000 So that guy must have been ballin'. 1.00

02:02:28.000 I bet he was slinging that makeup-covered dick all over town. 1.00

02:02:32.000 I bet there was a part of him that was like... 1.00

02:02:34.000 Do I need to put the makeup on?

02:02:37.000 Yeah, they probably wouldn't know who he was without the makeup. 1.00

02:02:40.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:02:40.000 That would suck. 1.00

02:02:42.000 They're like Gene Simmons. 0.94

02:02:43.000 If you had the Kiss makeup on, you went to a bar, they wouldn't know what's up.

02:02:48.000 I remember watching him in that first movie that he did with Tom Selleck with the spiders.

02:02:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:02:53.000 And I was like, oh shit, that's Gene Simmons? 0.99

02:02:55.000 Yeah, he was a bad guy in a few movies. 1.00

02:02:57.000 He's still a bad guy. 1.00

02:02:58.000 He's a fucking asshole. 1.00

02:02:59.000 Fuck him. 1.00

02:02:59.000 I hate Gene Simmons. 1.00

02:03:01.000 We've covered this.

02:03:02.000 Yeah, you had a bad experience with him, right? 1.00

02:03:03.000 Yeah, fuck him, yeah. 1.00

02:03:05.000 He blocked me now. 1.00

02:03:07.000 On Twitter, he blocked you?

02:03:08.000 He blocked me.

02:03:09.000 Wow.

02:03:12.000 That was the height of his good-lookingness.

02:03:15.000 Did you ever have...

02:03:17.000 Tom Selleck.

02:03:18.000 Powerful Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons.

02:03:20.000 Did I ever have what?

02:03:21.000 Did you ever have...

02:03:22.000 This is going to sound crazy.

02:03:25.000 Maybe this was just Florida.

02:03:26.000 But did you ever have people dressed in blackface for parties and stuff?

02:03:31.000 For Halloween?

02:03:34.000 I'm sure I probably saw it when I was young, for sure.

02:03:37.000 I'm trying to remember a specific instance.

02:03:39.000 I can't really.

02:03:40.000 Like that was a popular costume when I was a kid, was being a black person.

02:03:44.000 Okay, you know what I remember a dude did?

02:03:47.000 He played Mr. T. Yeah?

02:03:49.000 So that was a common one, and they would wear blackface, and they would put a bunch of gold chains on Mr. T. And you put, not shoe polish, but black paint all over your face? 0.90

02:04:00.000 Yeah, and you'd have a fake mohawk.

02:04:01.000 In college, we used to have a social called, we had a couple socials, we had a social called Pimbs Up, Hoes Down, where everyone would just dress like black people. 1.00

02:04:12.000 I mean, it's so politically incorrect, but that's, you know, I don't think anyone had the insight.

02:04:16.000 We had a social called Unga-Gunga-Bulunga, and I remember I was the one that organized it, and I handed out, like, makeup so people could put war paint on, and one girl, the guy just took a picture, just has, just put it on black stuff all over her face.

02:04:33.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:04:33.000 And he was like, I remember her walking out when we just, we meant to share that paint.

02:04:39.000 Just covered herself with it?

02:04:42.000 There's a picture on my Facebook of it, I swear to God.

02:04:47.000 She posted it herself.

02:04:49.000 She's like, I remember this party.

02:04:51.000 I was like, why would you post it of yourself?

02:04:54.000 How bizarre.

02:04:56.000 I remember when Ted Danson did it, and everyone was like, oh, you're not supposed to do that?

02:05:03.000 That's right.

02:05:04.000 He was like the last white guy to try blackface.

02:05:06.000 Yeah.

02:05:07.000 Like publicly try it.

02:05:09.000 The backlash was terrible.

02:05:10.000 And he thought he'd get away with it because he was dating Whoopi Goldberg.

02:05:12.000 And I think he told a bunch of black-centric jokes.

02:05:15.000 Yes.

02:05:16.000 Yeah.

02:05:17.000 Like racist jokes.

02:05:18.000 Yeah.

02:05:19.000 Ooh.

02:05:20.000 Ted Danson.

02:05:20.000 Weren't they like N-word jokes?

02:05:22.000 Uh-huh.

02:05:23.000 Yeah.

02:05:23.000 Do we have transcripts of his act?

02:05:25.000 There's probably a video of it.

02:05:27.000 No, I know there's a picture. 1.00

02:05:29.000 I guarantee there's a video of that shit. 0.99

02:05:31.000 No, that's not when people didn't have videos back then. 1.00

02:05:33.000 Or if you took a video- I remember watching it.

02:05:35.000 Oh, for real?

02:05:36.000 Yeah, I remember watching it.

02:05:38.000 I remember watching a video of it.

02:05:39.000 I think they filmed that event.

02:05:41.000 It was for the Friars Club, right?

02:05:43.000 Something like that. 0.77

02:05:45.000 Yeah, it is a weird ethnic group that you're not allowed to be Asian, and you're not allowed to be a black guy. 0.99

02:05:52.000 But if you're a white guy, you can become a redhead. 1.00

02:05:56.000 Nobody will get upset.

02:05:57.000 Nobody will get upset. 0.97

02:05:58.000 If you were black, you could dress in a white face, and no one would care. 1.00

02:06:01.000 100% no one cares. 0.99

02:06:02.000 But if you're black, you can't be a Chinese guy. 0.98

02:06:05.000 That's offensive. 0.98

02:06:06.000 And if you're a Chinese guy, you can't pretend to be black. 0.98

02:06:09.000 That's offensive, too.

02:06:10.000 I used to live with this girl from Peru, and one Halloween, when I moved to New York, this was probably 1998, 1999, and I went into her room at Halloween, and she was dressed like a Puerto Rican,

02:06:26.000 but she was Peruvian.

02:06:28.000 And she was like, she's like, all the horrible stereotypes that you would say would be the things that lowest common denominator of Puerto Rican women would do, she had all over her. 0.95

02:06:38.000 And I was like, Val, you can't do that.

02:06:39.000 And she was like, why not?

02:06:40.000 It's a good costume, right?

02:06:42.000 And I was like, no, those people exist and we'll be around them tonight.

02:06:46.000 Like, can you imagine if someone dressed as one as Valerie?

02:06:49.000 And she was like, it wouldn't bother me.

02:06:50.000 I go, yeah, because you have a good job and stuff.

02:06:53.000 Like, this poor person's getting handed by life every night and you're dressing as them?

02:06:59.000 Culture appropriation.

02:07:01.000 What did you think about that Amy Schumer cultural appropriation? 0.98

02:07:03.000 What about it?

02:07:04.000 Oh, you didn't?

02:07:05.000 Did you know about it?

02:07:06.000 No, what are you talking about?

02:07:07.000 Her and Goldie Hawn did a video of them singing a Beyonce song, but it's I guess it's the politicized Beyonce song? 0.99

02:07:17.000 Okay, they shot a cover of them doing a Beyonce song and fucking the internet or Went after her in a hard fucking way. 0.95

02:07:27.000 Amy Schumer and who was with her? 0.99

02:07:29.000 Goldie Hawn.

02:07:30.000 Okay.

02:07:31.000 So they're trying to be funny?

02:07:33.000 Yeah, I guess.

02:07:34.000 I mean, it's not very funny.

02:07:35.000 It's funny, I guess, if you like for...

02:07:37.000 I don't know.

02:07:38.000 But the audience went after her because Beyonce's black? 0.58

02:07:41.000 No, yeah. 0.67

02:07:42.000 And the song is about black women.

02:07:43.000 It's called Formation.

02:07:44.000 Oh.

02:07:45.000 And it's about...

02:07:46.000 It's the song she did at the Super Bowl where she stepped up on the cop car and Lonnie Love went after her.

02:07:53.000 What'd she say?

02:07:54.000 She was like, I don't know, you can find the Lonnie Love clip, but Lonnie Love starts crying in it.

02:07:58.000 She's like, yeah, how dare you take that from us? 0.96

02:08:00.000 It's not your story. 1.00

02:08:01.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:08:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:08:07.000 Cultural appropriation is interesting because I've kind of been guilty of it my whole life because I love hip-hop.

02:08:14.000 Isn't that being a hip-hop fan?

02:08:16.000 When does it become cultural appropriation?

02:08:19.000 Like, when you cover someone's song?

02:08:22.000 It's cultural appropriation?

02:08:23.000 Doesn't that sound weird?

02:08:24.000 I guess if you're pretending that that's your life that you're talking about, but clearly she's not, right?

02:08:31.000 She's just having fun singing a song that Beyonce sings because she's a fan, I guess?

02:08:36.000 Isn't that the idea?

02:08:38.000 Yeah.

02:08:39.000 It looks like they're having fun. 0.99

02:08:41.000 Just doing it for the fuck of it. 0.99

02:08:44.000 I mean, I'm looking at this, I'm seeing people being silly. 0.99

02:08:49.000 What are we really getting offended by? 0.90

02:08:51.000 We're getting offended by this?

02:08:52.000 Yeah.

02:08:53.000 Wanda Sykes is in it.

02:08:54.000 They were really offended.

02:08:55.000 I didn't...

02:08:56.000 I didn't...

02:08:57.000 Not only did I not care, I couldn't sit through the video. 0.98

02:09:00.000 Well, they're just being silly. 0.98

02:09:01.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:09:01.000 I mean, it looks to me like they're just having fun. 0.96

02:09:03.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

02:09:04.000 If people are really upset about that, like, come on. 0.99

02:09:07.000 I guess there's...

02:09:07.000 I don't know.

02:09:08.000 I don't...

02:09:10.000 I don't know, man.

02:09:11.000 I think we're finding way too many things to be upset with lately.

02:09:14.000 Not anymore.

02:09:14.000 Now that Trump is in office.

02:09:17.000 Make all the fucking videos you want. 1.00

02:09:19.000 You know what it is, man? 0.99

02:09:20.000 This is everybody getting a voice.

02:09:22.000 Everybody getting a voice.

02:09:23.000 The world has a voice.

02:09:24.000 And they're looking for things to be upset by.

02:09:26.000 And they see this, and they go, I think this is wrong.

02:09:29.000 You can't do that.

02:09:31.000 You know, and they just decide they're gonna go after her.

02:09:33.000 You can't take that from us.

02:09:34.000 Like, um, she didn't.

02:09:35.000 She made her own copy of a video.

02:09:38.000 She made, like, a parody video. 0.99

02:09:40.000 People do it all the time.

02:09:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:09:42.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

02:09:44.000 It's not like you can't still watch the Beyonce one. 0.99

02:09:47.000 And, by the way, if you don't like this, you can make fun of it. 0.99

02:09:49.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.98

02:09:51.000 It's got two million downloads. 0.99

02:09:53.000 Good.

02:09:54.000 But people getting upset by it, not good.

02:09:57.000 Or good.

02:09:59.000 Like, go ahead, get upset by it.

02:10:00.000 But at a certain point in time, it gets real weird.

02:10:05.000 You know, it used to be you could dress like a cowboy and an Indian.

02:10:09.000 You can't do that anymore.

02:10:10.000 No.

02:10:11.000 A girl cannot be Pocahontas anymore. 1.00

02:10:15.000 If you're Pocahontas, they'll accuse you of cultural appropriation. 1.00

02:10:19.000 That used to be a popular Halloween costume. 1.00

02:10:21.000 Can't do it, bitch. 1.00

02:10:21.000 You are not native. 1.00

02:10:22.000 How dare you, you offensive piece of shit. 1.00

02:10:24.000 You cisgendered, white-privileged asshole. 1.00

02:10:28.000 God dang. 1.00

02:10:30.000 Yeah. 0.84

02:10:31.000 Remember when you get dressed as a bum?

02:10:33.000 Yeah, you can't do that anymore.

02:10:35.000 Cultural appropriation of homeless people.

02:10:37.000 Yeah.

02:10:38.000 Yeah, we're way too sensitive, but that's how this guy got elected.

02:10:42.000 That is.

02:10:43.000 It's a big part of it.

02:10:44.000 Big part of it.

02:10:45.000 There's a bunch of factors.

02:10:46.000 It's not one.

02:10:47.000 Bunch of different reasons got him elected.

02:10:49.000 But part of it is because we're tired.

02:10:51.000 People are tired.

02:10:52.000 My friend Matt sent me something that's so hilarious.

02:10:55.000 This is a real thing that was on Tumblr, where someone was talking about cultural appropriation in terms of learning languages, and that unless you're Chinese, you shouldn't learn Chinese because it's cultural appropriation.

02:11:12.000 Really?

02:11:13.000 Yeah, look at this.

02:11:14.000 Pro tip. 0.98

02:11:15.000 By the way, anybody who says pro tip is a douchebag.

02:11:18.000 Unless you're joking around and you say pro tip. 0.70

02:11:21.000 Pro tip.

02:11:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:22.000 And then you say something that's really stupid. 1.00

02:11:24.000 Pro tip. 1.00

02:11:25.000 Don't learn a language if you do not come from the language bearers. 1.00

02:11:30.000 What?

02:11:31.000 The language bear.

02:11:32.000 The bear of the language.

02:11:34.000 I.E. don't learn French unless you're French. 1.00

02:11:37.000 What?

02:11:37.000 If you're not French.

02:11:38.000 Don't learn Chinese if you're not Chinese. 1.00

02:11:40.000 Don't learn Icelandic if you're not Icelandic. 0.98

02:11:44.000 It just appropriates culture more. 1.00

02:11:47.000 That's fucking ridiculous. 1.00

02:11:51.000 It's awesome. 1.00

02:11:52.000 Because it's so silly. 0.96

02:11:54.000 It's so silly, I really think that's how guys like President Trump get into office. 0.98

02:11:58.000 Dude, I'll tell you what. 0.95

02:11:59.000 Obviously, I voted for Hillary, but I get angry.

02:12:02.000 Like, the way the guys who voted for Trump must feel...

02:12:06.000 I get angry when I see stuff that's just absurd.

02:12:09.000 Like, there's a video that I doubt you've seen, but your name's in it, so I thought you were in it, so I clicked it, and basically it's a social justice warrior going to an open mic and doing stand-up.

02:12:20.000 But instead of doing stand-up, he just keeps repeating, your jokes are not funny.

02:12:24.000 The insults hurled are real.

02:12:26.000 These are real.

02:12:27.000 And it's like, I think it's got you in...

02:12:30.000 Jim Norton are in the title of it.

02:12:32.000 Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Social Justice Worries Stand Up.

02:12:36.000 And I was like, I came up with my feed on the side.

02:12:38.000 What does it mean?

02:12:39.000 I don't know.

02:12:40.000 So he's just using the stage to yell out that people shouldn't tell jokes because they're not funny?

02:12:45.000 Yeah, that any joke intended to harm, any joke that has someone else as a target is harmful.

02:12:53.000 And that any joke about anything, like racial, sexual, I guess that comedy's not funny, I don't really know.

02:13:03.000 Did you see the, do you know the video?

02:13:05.000 Dude, don't even give it any attention.

02:13:06.000 Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna, but you know what I'm talking about?

02:13:08.000 Yeah, I don't.

02:13:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

02:13:11.000 But it's it's and I was like it's fucking that you get you're in bed You're like then you're sitting upright. 1.00

02:13:16.000 You're like this fucking this fucking idiot Fucking guy exists Well, there's people that find things offensive, right? 1.00

02:13:25.000 There's some people that don't find anything offensive. 1.00

02:13:27.000 Some people that find everything offensive.

02:13:29.000 And then along the way, there's a bunch of people on the spectrum.

02:13:33.000 All of them have their own reasons why they have a line that they draw, and then they don't like it anymore.

02:13:37.000 And you're allowed to have a line anywhere you want, man.

02:13:41.000 But when you impose that on other people, that's the only time it becomes a problem.

02:13:45.000 If you think for some reason...

02:13:48.000 That just because some people like a certain style, whether it's a style of music or style of art, anything.

02:13:54.000 Comedy is just one thing that people make, right?

02:13:56.000 If some people like that style and you don't and you get mad at it and then you start deciding that these jokes are harming people and these jokes are damaging people, Well, first of all, every art form,

02:14:13.000 whether it's music or whether it's movies, every art form is allowed this sort of false...

02:14:20.000 We have this understanding that you've created some fiction.

02:14:24.000 We have this understanding that this is not necessarily the person who's written this book's exact thoughts on things.

02:14:32.000 Nor is it the person who made this movie, who made a fictional movie.

02:14:36.000 It's a work of art, right?

02:14:37.000 They've created these scenarios.

02:14:38.000 These people didn't really die.

02:14:39.000 Nothing really happened in that.

02:14:41.000 But in comedy, for some reason, you can't say something ridiculously offensive, fully knowing that you know and the audience knows you don't believe it.

02:14:48.000 But when you do do it, it's really funny.

02:14:51.000 Yeah.

02:14:51.000 So there's that weird thing where you'll do something really funny that's super offensive.

02:14:55.000 Like your Karate Kid joke?

02:14:57.000 Really funny.

02:14:58.000 What was it?

02:15:00.000 About Mr. Miyagi.

02:15:02.000 Oh, yeah.

02:15:03.000 I don't want to give it away.

02:15:05.000 Wait, I don't care.

02:15:06.000 I'll tell you.

02:15:06.000 No, no.

02:15:07.000 Okay, you can.

02:15:07.000 You can.

02:15:11.000 You'd think at some point Daniel's son's mom would be like, I think this janitor's trying to fuck my kid. 1.00

02:15:20.000 It's true, right? 1.00

02:15:21.000 I forgot about that joke.

02:15:22.000 It's funny, and it's offensive.

02:15:24.000 Maybe that's not a good example, because that's actually a logical joke, but there's a lot of...

02:15:27.000 Yeah, it is a logical joke.

02:15:30.000 Totally logical.

02:15:31.000 But there's many times where you say something that's completely ridiculous, you don't mean it all, and you only say it because it's a funny thing to say.

02:15:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:15:38.000 And, you know, to take that and to extract it, and to say that that's like a hate crime, when, you know, you know that that person's just fucking around. 0.89

02:15:45.000 Like, do you remember when Tracy Morgan got in trouble? 0.95

02:15:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:15:47.000 Because it said if his son was gay, stab him? 0.99

02:15:52.000 People got so fucking mad. 1.00

02:15:54.000 What's interesting is that there must have been a few people that believed him. 0.99

02:15:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:15:58.000 He's so crazy, though. 0.98

02:16:00.000 Tracy's always crazy. 0.99

02:16:01.000 I've only met him once. 1.00

02:16:03.000 He's a madman. 1.00

02:16:04.000 Isn't that crazy? 1.00

02:16:05.000 I've only met him one fucking time. 1.00

02:16:06.000 That one story. 0.99

02:16:07.000 One time.

02:16:07.000 That's a great story, though.

02:16:09.000 For one time.

02:16:10.000 I hope to run into him again.

02:16:12.000 I know he's heard the story and he didn't like it.

02:16:14.000 And he was like, never happened.

02:16:17.000 But I can't wait to run into him.

02:16:20.000 Tony Woods, Tony Woods got...

02:16:22.000 A couple people ended up telling that story.

02:16:25.000 A couple.

02:16:25.000 Like a number of people.

02:16:27.000 And Ari worked with the guy that was telling it.

02:16:29.000 And saying that it happened to him.

02:16:31.000 I guess that's what happened when it goes into the ethos. 0.99

02:16:34.000 And Tony Woods got fucking pissed. 0.97

02:16:36.000 Because Tony Woods was there the whole night. 0.99

02:16:38.000 And Tony's like, that's our story.

02:16:40.000 I was like, yeah, I know. 1.00

02:16:41.000 He was like, yeah, that's bullshit. 0.99

02:16:43.000 No one takes our story, Bert. 0.99

02:16:44.000 And I was like, yeah, I don't know.

02:16:46.000 Sorry.

02:16:47.000 That's how that works, I guess.

02:16:49.000 Yeah, wait a minute.

02:16:50.000 How can it be yours?

02:16:51.000 So he didn't want you talking about it because he was talking about it?

02:16:54.000 No, no, no.

02:16:54.000 Tony was just like, it's other people telling what's something that happened to me and you.

02:16:57.000 How can that be right?

02:16:59.000 But you were there.

02:17:00.000 No, yeah, right.

02:17:01.000 So it happened to you, too.

02:17:02.000 No, no, no.

02:17:02.000 He was saying that other people were telling the Tracy Morgan story.

02:17:06.000 Oh, other people other than you guys.

02:17:07.000 Other than me and him.

02:17:08.000 And Tony called.

02:17:08.000 Oh, that other thing, yeah.

02:17:09.000 He texted me.

02:17:10.000 And it was a number of people.

02:17:12.000 A guy we already worked with.

02:17:13.000 A guy in Australia told it.

02:17:14.000 Oh.

02:17:15.000 It just became something that people were like, well, it's already been stolen.

02:17:18.000 We'll just all take it.

02:17:19.000 That's hilarious.

02:17:20.000 Yeah, and Tony was like really upset because he came late to it.

02:17:22.000 You know Tony doesn't listen to podcasts. 0.99

02:17:24.000 He does his own fucking thing. 0.99

02:17:25.000 And he just called me one time. 1.00

02:17:27.000 He's like, yo, Sugar Bear, I'm in Australia.

02:17:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:30.000 What the fuck are these people telling our story for? 0.99

02:17:32.000 And I was like, oh, sorry, Tony. 0.99

02:17:34.000 I guess that happens.

02:17:36.000 In Australia?

02:17:36.000 He was in Australia.

02:17:39.000 Someone in Australia told it, and Tony was in Australia, and he heard it.

02:17:42.000 Tony, one of the greatest moments, like we had last night, I was in D.C. and Tony Woods came in.

02:17:50.000 Tony lives in D.C. And for these of you who don't know, Tony is one of the greatest comics.

02:17:54.000 Hilarious guy.

02:17:55.000 Hilarious guy.

02:17:56.000 Very slow, like meticulous, like old school player.

02:18:00.000 And so Tony comes in and in the back of the room he's like...

02:18:04.000 Hey, why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story?

02:18:07.000 And I was like, is that Tony Woods?

02:18:09.000 My wife is there, right?

02:18:10.000 And I go, Tony?

02:18:12.000 And he goes, yeah, I want to hear what it sounds like.

02:18:14.000 So I go, why don't you come up on stage and tell it with me?

02:18:16.000 So he comes up on stage, we have two mics, and I tell my side of the story, and he corrects me.

02:18:21.000 Oh.

02:18:22.000 Because you know how everyone's got their side of the story.

02:18:24.000 Yeah.

02:18:25.000 And like, I remember it, man, I remember it very vividly that I was a passerby.

02:18:30.000 Like, I was just hanging on, and I was there for this story.

02:18:33.000 I didn't really do anything.

02:18:34.000 And Tony's like, that is not how that happened.

02:18:38.000 And then he said to me, he goes, do you really think that, he's like, the reason he took his shirt off is because you took your shirt off. 0.96

02:18:43.000 And I was like, there's no fucking way. 0.98

02:18:45.000 Ah. 0.98

02:18:46.000 Tony remembers it totally different.

02:18:48.000 The only thing we agree on is the very end of the story when he said, that's how you get out of paying a check.

02:18:52.000 That's the only thing we agree on.

02:18:54.000 Wow.

02:18:54.000 Yeah.

02:18:55.000 It's interesting how two people can share an experience and it'd be...

02:19:00.000 I mean, it's very similar in, like, the places.

02:19:03.000 Like, we went to Madame X. That's the bar we were at.

02:19:05.000 And I told Tony, I was like, start telling it offstage.

02:19:08.000 Tell it.

02:19:09.000 Well, the human memory's super flawed.

02:19:11.000 Yeah.

02:19:11.000 It's really flawed.

02:19:12.000 They find that more and more that when they're...

02:19:15.000 Checking out crimes, in particular.

02:19:17.000 The human experience, like memory, is one of the worst pieces of evidence you could ever have.

02:19:23.000 Neil deGrasse Tyson was talking about it.

02:19:26.000 The difference between an actual reality and how people remember it is sometimes significantly different.

02:19:32.000 Your brain just puts together a narrative and sticks with it.

02:19:36.000 Yeah.

02:19:36.000 And then, you know, if something weird happened or crazy happened sometimes, you're all jacked up on adrenaline, and your brain just creates some goofy-ass scenario, and then that becomes your memory.

02:19:45.000 That becomes your reality.

02:19:47.000 How weird, dude.

02:19:48.000 We're so malleable.

02:19:50.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:19:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:19:52.000 Do you ever think of like Manchurian candidate type shit? 1.00

02:19:56.000 Like the idea that they could trick you by putting like a word in your head and if someone says that word, you fucking snap and you turn into an assassin. 0.99

02:20:04.000 Well, it's Pavlovian. 0.96

02:20:05.000 It's got to be connected to Pavlovian.

02:20:07.000 Because when my wife's alarm goes off on her phone at 545, Priscilla wakes up. 0.88

02:20:15.000 Priscilla gets up and starts wagging her tail and stands by the fridge. 1.00

02:20:18.000 She's ready to eat.

02:20:19.000 She heard Leanne's arm go off, and she goes, now we eat.

02:20:22.000 This is how it...

02:20:22.000 And it's got to be similar.

02:20:25.000 Like, there are things you could say to put me into a mood.

02:20:29.000 Yeah?

02:20:29.000 Yeah.

02:20:31.000 Like, I mean, immediately when you're like, this is going to sound silly, but when I said, I'm going to grab a beer, and you're like, grab me one.

02:20:39.000 That makes my heart race.

02:20:41.000 I go, oh, we're drinking.

02:20:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:20:43.000 I'm not doing it by myself.

02:20:44.000 I got a partner.

02:20:45.000 Oh, this is what I like.

02:20:46.000 Like, certain things like that, those are Pavlovian responses.

02:20:49.000 Like, when you're like, you want to get high?

02:20:50.000 I get excited.

02:20:51.000 I went, oh, yeah, I would love to get high today.

02:20:54.000 Like when Stanhope, when I see when my phone rings and it's Stanhope, I get excited because I go, it's one of the very few calls I don't send a voicemail. 0.97

02:21:03.000 But even the voicemails are 10 million times fucking better. 0.98

02:21:08.000 He gave me a fucking voicemail that I want to play. 0.99

02:21:10.000 It's so good. 0.99

02:21:12.000 And then sometimes you get one from him and Johnny Depp and you're like, fucking stand-ups, his fucking phone calls are the best. 0.99

02:21:19.000 Or Joey Diaz's phone calls. 0.99

02:21:21.000 Cuz you know Joey's Diaz's phone call is gonna take 16 seconds.

02:21:25.000 What's up?

02:21:25.000 What's up Tarzan?

02:21:27.000 And then you fucking... 1.00

02:21:28.000 Get back to me, cock licker. 1.00

02:21:29.000 Yeah, yeah, alright. 0.99

02:21:30.000 Alright, I love you, brother.

02:21:30.000 I'll talk to you later.

02:21:33.000 Yeah.

02:21:34.000 No, we're lucky, man.

02:21:36.000 We know some weird people.

02:21:38.000 Are you nervous about the future now that Donald Trump's president?

02:21:42.000 Do you feel any differently?

02:21:44.000 Cuz it went down.

02:21:46.000 What did?

02:21:47.000 It went down.

02:21:48.000 Yeah, it went down.

02:21:49.000 It went down.

02:21:50.000 Donald Trump won. 1.00

02:21:52.000 The shit went down. 1.00

02:21:53.000 I was joking on stage this weekend saying that it can't be that bad for me as a white guy. 1.00

02:21:59.000 Like, that's the truth.

02:22:01.000 Yeah.

02:22:02.000 Is that he's got my interests protected.

02:22:05.000 Like, he's a white guy too.

02:22:06.000 He's not gonna start outlawing white guys.

02:22:08.000 And his son's a white guy.

02:22:11.000 And it's gonna be tax breaks for people that make money.

02:22:16.000 You know?

02:22:17.000 I just don't like, like, this is gonna, once again, this will sound bad, but I'm in my backyard, I'm doing a press tour this morning in, like, every market, you know, every of those radio satellite tours, and the guys that are building my house are all Mexican, 1.00

02:22:32.000 and I saw them come to work, and I thought, man, that sucks that What he said about Mexicans, America stood behind a tad bit. 0.95

02:22:43.000 Because these guys aren't rapists and murderers. 1.00

02:22:45.000 They're the coolest guys in the world that are fucking killing themselves so that I can have a better life. 0.99

02:22:48.000 And they're doing it at wages that, quite honestly, are affordable only because they're in fear of losing their stability in this country so they don't argue or stand up. 0.99

02:22:57.000 And that's kind of how immigrant labor works, a tad bit, is they don't have a way out. 1.00

02:23:04.000 And I thought, that really fucking sucks. 0.99

02:23:06.000 And I saw it for the first time that way. 0.99

02:23:09.000 And I was like, these are all really cool dudes.

02:23:11.000 And it stinks that last night they saw that and they were like, we lost.

02:23:14.000 Maybe they didn't see it. 0.99

02:23:15.000 I don't fucking know. 0.99

02:23:16.000 No, a lot of them did. 0.99

02:23:17.000 I know some Mexican folks that were pretty upset.

02:23:19.000 And here I am, you know, on the winning team regardless.

02:23:25.000 I'm going to win whoever wins.

02:23:27.000 If Hillary wins, I'm a liberal.

02:23:29.000 I want everyone for good things.

02:23:30.000 I win.

02:23:31.000 If Donald Trump wins, I'm in that camp too.

02:23:34.000 I win there.

02:23:35.000 Mmm, you know, so you're a winner Bert. 0.99

02:23:37.000 I'm the luckiest guy in the fucking world. 0.99

02:23:40.000 Mmm The whole Mexican thing is very strange because it's really this is why it's really racist It's not like you're dealing with an exorbitant percentage difference in the amount of people that are Mexican descent that commit crimes versus the amount of people that are of American-born That commit crimes, 0.99

02:24:02.000 right?

02:24:02.000 We both agree on that.

02:24:04.000 It's probably like not much difference at all.

02:24:06.000 But when someone comes here from another country and commits a crime, we look at it far worse than if someone who was born in this patch of soil commits a crime.

02:24:16.000 You know, we decide that that's a big deal.

02:24:18.000 Yeah.

02:24:19.000 We decide that it's a bigger deal when someone from over there comes over here illegally and commits a crime, even if it's like the same percentage as just people. 0.94

02:24:27.000 You know, if you get like 20% of the people who commit crimes, no matter what, they're immigrant or whatever, you'll look at the immigrant ones as being more significant, because they're not even fucking supposed to be here. 1.00

02:24:38.000 And they're doing those crimes. 0.91

02:24:39.000 It's sliding doors.

02:24:40.000 What if that person had just never come here?

02:24:42.000 That's how people look at it.

02:24:43.000 But it's probably a percentage of the population no matter what.

02:24:48.000 And then it also depends upon what has that person experienced. 0.99

02:24:51.000 Like if they're coming from the Congo or some crazy fucking place. 0.98

02:24:54.000 I remember my friend went to high school with some kid. 0.99

02:24:58.000 I want to say the kid was from Jamaica.

02:25:01.000 I'm pretty sure he's from Jamaica.

02:25:04.000 And apparently he was a super violent kid.

02:25:07.000 This is his first time in the United States.

02:25:08.000 And he got in a fight with some boy. 0.99

02:25:10.000 He went out to his car and he got a fucking giant kitchen knife. 0.99

02:25:14.000 And he stabbed that kid right through the stomach in front of everybody. 0.99

02:25:18.000 And he cut some other kid and the other kid ran away and he's chasing him with the knife trying to cut him. 1.00

02:25:23.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:25:23.000 Yeah, and this is his first days in America. 0.99

02:25:26.000 They just let him into this school, and this kid went into his fucking trunk and pulled out a knife. 0.98

02:25:30.000 And I guess that's how he rocked it in Jamaica. 0.99

02:25:32.000 And that was like what he had been exposed to.

02:25:35.000 So that kind of situation, if you're letting someone into a place...

02:25:41.000 Legally or illegally.

02:25:42.000 I don't know how he got in.

02:25:44.000 I don't know the details of the story.

02:25:45.000 I just know the story.

02:25:47.000 But then people are scared because they're like, oh, this person's been living in the Congo, say.

02:25:51.000 Okay, so what is xenophobia then based on the fact that they don't subscribe to the same cultural rules we subscribe to?

02:25:58.000 Well, you can say that's xenophobic, or you can say that you're very conservative and nationalistic, and you could look at it as a proud trait.

02:26:07.000 I mean, it's a real touch-and-go issue, especially right now, because what's going on in Germany and a lot of parts of Europe where these Syrian refugees are coming in, and they've opened their arms to them in Germany, and it's kind of like really out of control. 1.00

02:26:21.000 Like, Germany's had some horrible assaults and rapes and... 0.93

02:26:24.000 Groups of men that are actively targeting white blonde women for rape. 0.91

02:26:29.000 Well, that's the truth, and I won't say any place, but there are places in this world where the social norm of rape is a social norm. 0.99

02:26:39.000 Women just get raped, and they believe that's just what happens because they're women. 1.00

02:26:43.000 And there's a lot of those people. 0.99

02:26:45.000 There's a lot of those places.

02:26:46.000 A lot of those people, too.

02:26:48.000 The sheer numbers of humans that subscribe to that kind of thinking still in 2016 would shock you.

02:26:54.000 If you could just look at it as numbers on a board, if you just looked at the worldwide population and how many people would accept something like that, you'd be like, whoa.

02:27:01.000 Yeah, we're just getting rid of beating a child right now. 0.98

02:27:05.000 Adrian Peterson did it, and everyone fucking attacked him, and I'm sure he was like, I just hit him with a switch. 0.99

02:27:10.000 It was pretty brutal. 0.99

02:27:11.000 But there are places where, in this country, where you could totally hit a child and no one would say anything.

02:27:16.000 And then there are places in the world where you could hit someone and no one would say anything.

02:27:19.000 And that's part of, like, if you tried to dissect xenophobia...

02:27:25.000 Maybe it's that is that you go their social norm is different than my social norm and I don't want people I mean is that that sounds like I'm defending xenophobia well I have a theory that I've said several times the podcast excuse me if you've heard it That's the cradle of civilization if you go to the Middle East That's where civilization begins the oldest written language the oldest form of mathematics like Sumer like that's they're responsible for all these different first first agriculture like they they were like a really Depending upon when you think that human civilization

02:27:55.000 was established, whether it was re-established.

02:27:58.000 But those people back then, that was a really complicated civilization, and it was like 6,000 years ago.

02:28:08.000 Yeah.

02:28:10.000 I mean, when we try to think about how long human beings have been on this planet, and how long we've been living our lives and what we've been doing, This is a really, really recent thing.

02:28:24.000 Very.

02:28:26.000 Dude, think about this.

02:28:27.000 Slavery was just 200 years ago.

02:28:30.000 Yep.

02:28:30.000 1865. Black people just got rights as humans in the 60s.

02:28:37.000 Yeah.

02:28:38.000 That's so...

02:28:41.000 Like, you know, one of the things, I watched Roots, and one of the things that blew me away was that, what's it called when black people talk like black people?

02:28:50.000 It was Ebonics. 0.99

02:28:52.000 I remember when Ebonics came out, conservatives were fucking up in arms. 0.98

02:28:55.000 Hey, learn the language. 0.99

02:28:57.000 Speak the way we speak. 0.99

02:28:58.000 And then I thought, hey, motherfucker, when we brought them here, we didn't teach them how to speak at all. 1.00

02:29:03.000 When they were brought as slaves, it was better if they didn't speak English. 1.00

02:29:06.000 But you know what the problem with that kind of thinking is?

02:29:08.000 On both sides.

02:29:09.000 Problem kind of thing is, first of all, you didn't bring any slaves over here.

02:29:12.000 I didn't bring anybody, yeah.

02:29:13.000 And they weren't slaves. 0.99

02:29:14.000 So both things are fucked up. 0.98

02:29:16.000 But their ancestors were, so we're acknowledging there's a ripple. 0.99

02:29:19.000 Yeah.

02:29:19.000 There's a giant ripple effect from being brought over here as slaves.

02:29:22.000 That, to me, says that, like, what we should have done, and what we probably still should do, Is figure out a way, and not just that ripple, but the poor immigration ripple that's in white neighborhoods, Russian neighborhoods. 0.99

02:29:34.000 You gotta figure out a way to get neighborhoods that are really fucking poor. 0.97

02:29:39.000 Those are traps, especially if they're crime-ridden neighborhoods that are really poor. 0.99

02:29:43.000 We've gotta clean those up.

02:29:44.000 We have cuts.

02:29:45.000 That we just let scab up and fester and we don't treat it and dress the wound.

02:29:50.000 That's kind of what dangerous crime-ridden neighborhoods are. 0.97

02:29:53.000 They're like cultural wounds and we don't do shit about them. 0.97

02:29:57.000 Because it's not us. 0.95

02:29:58.000 It's us. 0.99

02:29:59.000 Can't fucking pay attention to that. 0.99

02:30:00.000 But if presidents did that, instead of fucking flying over to Afghanistan and dealing with some nonsense that has almost nothing to do with you and me... 0.99

02:30:08.000 I mean, you can make an argument that we can intervene in Mexico right now. 0.99

02:30:11.000 You know, if you really wanted to protect peace and love, I mean, every time you go to Juarez and you see a bunch of dudes' heads cut off, and they're hanging them from a fucking overpass with some sign, they put some cops and chop them up in garbage bags. 0.93

02:30:25.000 You know, there's a good argument that all the drugs are coming from these people, too. 0.91

02:30:29.000 There's a good argument that you go to the war with them. 0.80

02:30:31.000 They never bring that up.

02:30:32.000 That's right.

02:30:34.000 Never.

02:30:35.000 It's right there.

02:30:37.000 Dang it. 0.99

02:30:38.000 You know what fucking sent me through the roof in this election? 0.99

02:30:41.000 Is the media coverage. 0.98

02:30:43.000 One of the things that I was watching, like I was laying in bed yesterday, and I was just kind of listening to the thing, and they were saying statements like, well, Florida's definitely going to vote Democratic because of the Hispanic population.

02:31:00.000 How rude. 0.78

02:31:01.000 I thought what an ignorant statement to assume Cubans and Mexicans are identical. 1.00

02:31:07.000 It's really stupid. 1.00

02:31:08.000 He didn't say, Cubans are the... 1.00

02:31:11.000 He said Mexicans.

02:31:12.000 And from my experience, and this is limited, but I did grow up in Florida and I do live in L.A. And that's where these...

02:31:19.000 The difference is, Cubans... 0.99

02:31:22.000 We'll speak Spanish in front of you.

02:31:24.000 Mexicans don't speak Spanish in front of you. 1.00

02:31:26.000 When you hang out with, like, two Mexicans, you're standing in, like, say you're, like, in line or something, Mexicans usually just try to assimilate so they don't raise the red flag. 0.99

02:31:35.000 It's all based on the fact that as a Cuban, if you come over to this country, if you step foot on the land, you're automatically a citizen.

02:31:40.000 As a Mexican, they don't want you here. 1.00

02:31:42.000 They want to send you back.

02:31:43.000 Is that the case still?

02:31:44.000 So if you're a Cuban refugee and you land in America...

02:31:46.000 The second you step foot, you're a naturalized citizen.

02:31:49.000 How weird.

02:31:49.000 And that is the bone of contention between Cubans and Mexicans is that, and that's why Cubans, when you go to Miami, two Cuban guys will speak Spanish right in front of you, right in front of your face.

02:31:58.000 And you're just like, are you guys talking about me?

02:32:02.000 Well, Cuba also, Cubans rather, they tend to be more conservative.

02:32:06.000 Yeah, much more conservative.

02:32:07.000 They vote very Republican.

02:32:09.000 It's a very conservative sort of culture.

02:32:12.000 Having said that, a lot of Miami did vote Democrat.

02:32:14.000 I'm sure.

02:32:15.000 But I think that's predominantly the Jewish population, the snowbirds that came down. 1.00

02:32:19.000 Because it started in Broward County and it went down.

02:32:22.000 But I grew up in Florida.

02:32:23.000 Cubans were... 1.00

02:32:24.000 There's no limit to just Miami.

02:32:27.000 Yeah, no.

02:32:28.000 All my best friends are Cuban.

02:32:30.000 Dude, Cuba has an interesting kind of a flair to it, right?

02:32:34.000 Because it's got a different thing than, say, Mexico.

02:32:39.000 Like, you think their language has a little bit more of a song type of thing to it.

02:32:44.000 They're a little more of a flow to it. 0.96

02:32:46.000 You know, they're all dancey and movie and shit, and they have incredible athletes. 1.00

02:32:51.000 Fucking incredible athletes. 1.00

02:32:52.000 You're fucking right about that. 0.99

02:32:53.000 Like, if you were going to do a dance of the two languages, Mexico would be more like I know. 0.99

02:33:00.000 But Cubans are like... 1.00

02:33:01.000 Yeah, they have a quicker sort of a...

02:33:05.000 There's a flair to those people.

02:33:07.000 We used to say words...

02:33:08.000 We used to say Cuban phrases like...

02:33:10.000 Or...

02:33:12.000 That sounds Mexican.

02:33:15.000 That does sound Mexican.

02:33:16.000 But... 0.94

02:33:16.000 Like a duck. 0.94

02:33:20.000 Are you allowed to say that still?

02:33:21.000 You can say it in Spanish.

02:33:22.000 Oh, there you go.

02:33:22.000 Yeah, you're not racist if you're saying it in Spanish.

02:33:24.000 It's not racist.

02:33:25.000 I said on the radio the other day.

02:33:28.000 What is Maricone again? 0.98

02:33:29.000 Gay guy. 0.98

02:33:30.000 You could say that? 0.98

02:33:31.000 I guess.

02:33:32.000 I don't know.

02:33:32.000 Let's see if it comebacks to haunt you.

02:33:34.000 Let's run the gamut.

02:33:35.000 I'll say Gypsy, Pikey, and Maricone and see if I get in trouble. 0.85

02:33:38.000 Pikey is still touchy if you're in England. 1.00

02:33:40.000 Yeah.

02:33:41.000 I have a friend who lives in England and their neighbor, their friend actually, that lives also in England, had a bunch of Pikeys move in next door to him. 1.00

02:33:52.000 Oh, squatters!

02:33:54.000 They pulled up their caravan, and they just decided to live in this neighborhood.

02:33:59.000 And then there's an open lot.

02:34:01.000 So they pulled into this open lot with their caravan.

02:34:03.000 They stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning.

02:34:05.000 They start having parties.

02:34:06.000 They start robbing the neighborhood. 1.00

02:34:09.000 And these fucking people have these bomb-ass country houses outside of London, and they're just living the dream, you know? 1.00

02:34:16.000 They make this dope-ass house in this beautiful countryside, and the pikey's moving right next door. 1.00

02:34:24.000 I don't know, is that a bad word, pikey? 1.00

02:34:25.000 I don't think so.

02:34:27.000 Travelers, I think they prefer to call themselves.

02:34:28.000 I'll be respectful.

02:34:30.000 So the travelers move in. 0.98

02:34:31.000 They pull up their caravans, which are mobile homes.

02:34:33.000 They leave garbage everywhere. 1.00

02:34:35.000 They fucking steal shit. 1.00

02:34:36.000 And they can't get rid of them. 1.00

02:34:37.000 They can't get them out of there because of their culture. 0.99

02:34:41.000 Their culture is that they travel around.

02:34:43.000 And so the European government or the UK government has established certain things they're allowed to do.

02:34:50.000 And one of them is they're allowed to just live in a place where nobody lives.

02:34:56.000 That's so arbitrary.

02:34:57.000 Within reason. 0.99

02:34:58.000 I mean, I'm sure they have, like, boundaries where you're not supposed to go, but next to this guy's fucking house, they were allowed to live. 1.00

02:35:03.000 Oh, I'd fucking lose my mind. 0.96

02:35:04.000 Apparently, this guy's, like, this really wealthy guy that bought this insane house out in the London countryside, and they just, the travelers moved in right next door, and they party all night. 0.99

02:35:15.000 They have bonfires and shit. 1.00

02:35:17.000 Oh, fucking bonfire. 1.00

02:35:18.000 Yeah, they beat guys' asses if they talk shit to them. 1.00

02:35:22.000 You know, maybe this isn't a good place to have a fire at 2 o'clock in the morning. 1.00

02:35:26.000 They step up and punch that dude in the face and laugh. 1.00

02:35:29.000 Nobody can do shit. 1.00

02:35:31.000 They live a different world. 1.00

02:35:33.000 They live a totally different life than you or I. But they're people.

02:35:37.000 People are just so malleable, man.

02:35:40.000 That's what I was getting at before.

02:35:42.000 That's why one of the things that concerns me about Trump...

02:35:45.000 Is that the president becomes sort of the way the people that follow him, he leads the way.

02:35:52.000 They sort of fall in, at least in some way, he represents how we feel about ourselves.

02:35:57.000 So if we feel about ourselves like a really, you know, the wall just got 10 feet higher, you know, that kind of stuff?

02:36:03.000 Yeah.

02:36:04.000 That could encourage some ridiculous douchebaggery from people that might otherwise be persuaded to relax and settle in. 0.61

02:36:12.000 Like people might go the other way now. 0.63

02:36:14.000 What do you mean? 0.97

02:36:15.000 People might get more aggressive and more shitty now that Trump is in office. 0.95

02:36:19.000 Oh, dude, I gotta be really honest with you. 0.95

02:36:22.000 Trump being elected gave me a lot of confidence.

02:36:26.000 Why?

02:36:26.000 I don't know.

02:36:27.000 I don't know.

02:36:28.000 Because I just was like, I just never thought that would happen.

02:36:31.000 Like, I never thought that would happen.

02:36:32.000 Then I thought, oh, that's right. 0.99

02:36:33.000 Crazy shit happens all the time. 1.00

02:36:35.000 Like, crazy shit happens all the time. 1.00

02:36:37.000 All the time. 0.99

02:36:38.000 Like, I could, like, no, I'm not saying I want to be a movie star, but, like, I could be a movie star tomorrow.

02:36:42.000 Like, someone could go...

02:36:43.000 Take a couple of weeks, but...

02:36:43.000 Take a couple of weeks.

02:36:44.000 Maybe take seven months.

02:36:45.000 But, like, that could happen tomorrow.

02:36:47.000 I could have my own sitcom if I wanted it tomorrow, because that could happen, because Trump became president.

02:36:51.000 And I got a real bounce in my step.

02:36:53.000 Wow.

02:36:54.000 Like anything's possible. 0.98

02:36:55.000 Like anything's fucking- I really thought there was no fucking way in hell that would ever happen. 0.96

02:37:02.000 I mean, I almost thought last night was a wash, and I don't know why we're even referencing the election. 0.99

02:37:08.000 And then all of a sudden, Bill Burr is like, they just took fucking Ohio. 0.97

02:37:14.000 Yeah, it was like a war. 0.99

02:37:16.000 Like, he took Pennsylvania.

02:37:17.000 He took Florida.

02:37:19.000 Yeah.

02:37:20.000 They're still undecided in New Hampshire.

02:37:22.000 Was that what he was saying?

02:37:23.000 He took Idaho.

02:37:24.000 Weren't they saying that it was kind of down to Alaska?

02:37:27.000 And when he got Alaska is when someone said, he just won.

02:37:30.000 They go, he just got Alaska.

02:37:31.000 He won.

02:37:32.000 But that's the state that nobody campaigns in.

02:37:34.000 That's what's interesting.

02:37:35.000 No one campaigns in Alaska?

02:37:37.000 Well, I don't know.

02:37:37.000 Maybe they do.

02:37:38.000 But I think for the most part they ignore it because it's the last state where you get the results in last. 0.99

02:37:43.000 It's way the fuck over there.

02:37:44.000 You know, if you're looking at a map where Alaska is, you gotta go all the way up and then you gotta go left.

02:37:49.000 It's all the way the fuck up there.

02:37:51.000 It's by Russia. 0.87

02:37:52.000 It's way up there, dude.

02:37:53.000 Have you gone hunting up there?

02:37:54.000 Yes.

02:37:55.000 Dude, Alaska is amazing.

02:37:57.000 Except the bugs.

02:37:58.000 The bugs are brutal.

02:37:59.000 The mosquitoes are off the chain.

02:38:01.000 You've never seen nothing like it in your life.

02:38:03.000 You can't even breathe because they go in your mouth.

02:38:05.000 Yeah.

02:38:06.000 Ari and I went fishing.

02:38:07.000 We went salmon fishing up there.

02:38:08.000 We did some gigs.

02:38:10.000 And we got out of the car to get to the boat.

02:38:13.000 And when we got out of the car, literally opening the door, there was a cloud of mosquitoes that found us instantly and swarmed us.

02:38:19.000 We panicked like little girls.

02:38:20.000 Jumped back in the car and shut the door.

02:38:22.000 We decided to change our shoes while we were in the car.

02:38:25.000 And there was a hundred mosquitoes in the car with us. 0.96

02:38:27.000 It was fucking insane. 0.98

02:38:28.000 Insane. 1.00

02:38:29.000 They only have like a couple months to live.

02:38:31.000 Yeah.

02:38:31.000 And they all come out in droves.

02:38:33.000 But I'll tell you what I like, dude.

02:38:34.000 I like Alaskan people.

02:38:36.000 A lot.

02:38:38.000 Amazing.

02:38:38.000 I like people in Anchorage a lot.

02:38:41.000 I like people at bars.

02:38:43.000 I like people that you met.

02:38:44.000 There's like a certain feeling that they have.

02:38:47.000 They're more alive because they have to deal with nature.

02:38:51.000 They're more alive because they have to deal with grizzly bears. 0.99

02:38:54.000 When we were there, a grizzly bear stumbled into some fucking school. 0.99

02:38:57.000 The grizzly bear was walking on the outside perimeter of some school. 0.99

02:39:00.000 They were talking about it. 0.99

02:39:01.000 They had to fucking chase it off. 0.99

02:39:03.000 Like, what? 0.99

02:39:04.000 A giant one.

02:39:05.000 Like a big 10-foot grizzly bear was wandering through some backyard area.

02:39:09.000 Moose walk onto college campuses all the time.

02:39:12.000 When I landed in Anchorage, I got in the car from the airport to the hotel, and a moose crossed the street on the way to the hotel.

02:39:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:39:21.000 By the airport.

02:39:22.000 It was by the airport, and I freaked out. 0.99

02:39:24.000 I was like, are you shitting me? 0.86

02:39:25.000 And he was like, it happens all the time, man. 0.98

02:39:26.000 You gotta be real careful if you run a moose when it's rutting. 0.99

02:39:30.000 Like now, when it gets cold out, like right around late October probably, mid-late October, they get horny as fuck. 0.98

02:39:39.000 And they get super aggressive. 1.00

02:39:41.000 And they get so stupid. 1.00

02:39:43.000 Their dick is so hard and they're so fucked up. 1.00

02:39:46.000 Imagine if you could only have sex once a year. 1.00

02:39:49.000 Just imagine being a person. 1.00

02:39:50.000 You could only have sex once a year. 0.97

02:39:52.000 And when... 0.98

02:39:54.000 You start getting towards that time of the year, you start growing weapons on your head.

02:39:59.000 Your head starts growing weapons.

02:40:00.000 You said that on a podcast.

02:40:02.000 So they don't always have horns? 0.85

02:40:03.000 No.

02:40:04.000 The antlers fall off.

02:40:06.000 These antlers are actually...

02:40:07.000 We actually looked it up this weekend.

02:40:08.000 They're made out of bone.

02:40:10.000 I heard this podcast.

02:40:12.000 Who did you do this with?

02:40:13.000 John Dudley.

02:40:14.000 And it was a fascinating podcast.

02:40:17.000 What just happened?

02:40:18.000 What happened, Jamie?

02:40:18.000 I don't know.

02:40:19.000 What happened?

02:40:20.000 Did we go down?

02:40:21.000 Power surge.

02:40:22.000 We're still up.

02:40:23.000 Oh, it's just like a light flicker or something like that? 0.85

02:40:26.000 We gotta get the fuck out of here, man. 0.99

02:40:28.000 It's the government. 1.00

02:40:28.000 It's fucking Trump, man. 1.00

02:40:29.000 Now that Trump's in order, he heard me making fun of his hair. 1.00

02:40:33.000 I want to give two things to Trump.

02:40:35.000 A razor, like one of those electric hair buzzers, and a bag of mushrooms.

02:40:39.000 That's all I need from you, buddy.

02:40:41.000 You can raise my taxes.

02:40:42.000 Just let me see you eat this bag and do this to your hair. 1.00

02:40:46.000 I would love to fuck with his hair. 1.00

02:40:48.000 Just shave it off, man. 1.00

02:40:50.000 Let it go.

02:40:51.000 There's nothing good going on up there.

02:40:53.000 Good tweets today, though.

02:40:55.000 Did he?

02:40:55.000 No, no, no.

02:40:56.000 Comics.

02:40:57.000 Comics.

02:40:57.000 Oh, what'd they say?

02:40:58.000 Yeah, the ones that weren't, like, too butthurt about it.

02:41:00.000 Oh, there's a lot of butthurt today. 0.99

02:41:02.000 It was so ridiculous. 0.99

02:41:04.000 Like, come on. 0.98

02:41:05.000 Let it play out.

02:41:06.000 Let's see what this says.

02:41:07.000 Yeah.

02:41:07.000 Like, friends of mine who I go, who I know are funny, were just like, like, just saying, just like, really, not even like trying to be funny about it.

02:41:14.000 Like, this isn't funny.

02:41:15.000 There's nothing funny about it.

02:41:16.000 You need to have a serious conversation with your children about racism and rape.

02:41:20.000 And you're like, hmm.

02:41:22.000 Okay.

02:41:23.000 Well, what about Hillary Clinton then? 0.79

02:41:24.000 Is that who you wanted in office? 0.99

02:41:25.000 Hillary Clinton defended a child rapist. 0.99

02:41:28.000 It was laughing about the child rapist being able to pass a polygraph. 0.95

02:41:31.000 Do you remember when we were with Norm in the back of the Comedy Store and he was talking about Bill Clinton's charges?

02:41:36.000 Yeah.

02:41:36.000 I looked those up.

02:41:37.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:41:38.000 Those are fucking legit. 0.85

02:41:39.000 Yeah, there's a lot of stuff with, I mean, who knows how much of it is real? 1.00

02:41:43.000 Allegedly did a lot of shit. 0.99

02:41:45.000 Allegedly? 1.00

02:41:47.000 You know what, man?

02:41:48.000 Who knows?

02:41:49.000 But not good.

02:41:51.000 None of it's good.

02:41:52.000 It's all gross.

02:41:53.000 So it's not like if Donald Trump didn't get in, we were out an angel.

02:41:58.000 Yeah.

02:41:59.000 You know?

02:41:59.000 Anyone of that age set...

02:42:01.000 That's a weird age bracket.

02:42:03.000 Mm-hmm.

02:42:05.000 I'm the generation where when I got to college, they came up with the phrase, no means no.

02:42:10.000 They explained date rape at my age.

02:42:12.000 I'm 44. So you think anyone over 44, any woman over 44, probably dealt with date rape, and a lot of times there was a stigma, do not talk about it.

02:42:23.000 You know?

02:42:25.000 Yeah, man.

02:42:26.000 And I'm just saying, I'm the very beginning of it.

02:42:28.000 There's a whole generation of girls my age and just younger that have dealt with it in the same way.

02:42:32.000 But now it's being brought to the forefront and people are coming forward and saying stuff.

02:42:36.000 Donald Trump is, what, 70? 0.98

02:42:39.000 Dude, I mean, I think he could hit women when he was a kid. 0.99

02:42:42.000 Probably. 0.99

02:42:43.000 They probably hit women. 1.00

02:42:44.000 They didn't think anything of it. 1.00

02:42:45.000 His dad could throw his mom down a flight of stairs and no one would say a fucking word. 1.00

02:42:50.000 The cops would be like... 1.00

02:42:51.000 The flight of stairs is rough.

02:42:52.000 Yeah, maybe right.

02:42:53.000 Throw on the couch.

02:42:53.000 Just throw on the couch.

02:42:56.000 Just get off me. 1.00

02:42:58.000 Get off me. 0.90

02:43:01.000 You throw them somewhere nice and soft and like you don't you decelerate when you let go You know just like a light judo demonstration If you dated a judo chick we dated Ronda Rousey and she just got mad at you and start fucking hip tossing you around the house right to the coffee table Right to the glass coffee table like one of those Lethal Weapon movies She just grabs you and hip tosses you. 0.98

02:43:27.000 We're in the front yard.

02:43:28.000 The sprinklers are going off.

02:43:29.000 Exactly.

02:43:30.000 Cops are spoiled up.

02:43:31.000 Remember that?

02:43:32.000 Lethal Weapon. 1.00

02:43:33.000 He used a fucking triangle choke. 0.99

02:43:35.000 That was the first time we ever saw a triangle choke in a movie, ever. 1.00

02:43:39.000 Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon.

02:43:40.000 He played that crazy guy and he learned from Horian.

02:43:43.000 He learned jujitsu from Horian Gracie.

02:43:45.000 Really?

02:43:45.000 Yeah, Horian Gracie was the stunt coordinator for that movie.

02:43:48.000 And he helped, that movie sort of helped get him in with a lot of Hollywood people that wanted to learn jujitsu.

02:43:56.000 I didn't realize how effective it was.

02:43:57.000 I loved to party with Mel Gibson.

02:43:59.000 Man, just get them drunk and start talking about Jews. 1.00

02:44:02.000 Just wind them up. 0.98

02:44:04.000 Yeah.

02:44:04.000 Just wind them up.

02:44:06.000 Just go, what about all this Jews and money, man? 1.00

02:44:08.000 Man, I don't get it. 0.98

02:44:10.000 It's like lighting a bomb and walking away.

02:44:14.000 It's funny, man, because he's a brilliant director.

02:44:17.000 He's amazing.

02:44:18.000 They're giving him another chance.

02:44:19.000 Oh, here it is.

02:44:20.000 Is that Gary Busey?

02:44:21.000 Yeah, it's Gary Busey.

02:44:22.000 He was on top.

02:44:23.000 Oh, I forgot it was Gary Busey.

02:44:23.000 Shitty jujitsu.

02:44:24.000 There's a lot of space there, boys.

02:44:26.000 Oh, look at that.

02:44:27.000 He goes for the arm bar.

02:44:28.000 Terrible guard.

02:44:29.000 Terrible guard.

02:44:30.000 And he gets punched a little bit here.

02:44:31.000 A little bit of ground and pound.

02:44:32.000 This is like something.

02:44:33.000 Watch this.

02:44:34.000 Oh, my God.

02:44:35.000 He goes for the triangle.

02:44:36.000 He grabs it.

02:44:37.000 Secures it.

02:44:38.000 Let me see how he handles this here. 1.00

02:44:41.000 Gary Busey should just bite his dick. 1.00

02:44:43.000 There are no rules here. 1.00

02:44:44.000 Okay, this is a terrible goddamn triangle. 0.99

02:44:46.000 He doesn't even secure it underneath the knee. 0.99

02:44:48.000 It'd be great if he was just flicking off the crowd like Nate Diaz.

02:44:51.000 He makes mistake number one in triangles.

02:44:53.000 He went with the calf over the instep, touched the calf instead of go totally behind the knee.

02:45:00.000 It's just not tight enough.

02:45:03.000 I can do a better triangle.

02:45:04.000 Oh, he choked him to sleep?

02:45:05.000 No.

02:45:06.000 Did he tap?

02:45:07.000 What happened there?

02:45:08.000 He didn't even tap. 1.00

02:45:09.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

02:45:11.000 What is this? 1.00

02:45:12.000 That was it.

02:45:12.000 Let's go back again.

02:45:14.000 Let's go back again.

02:45:15.000 Now, here's what you want to do.

02:45:16.000 You want to get an angle, and then you want to make sure that this instep is underneath your knee.

02:45:20.000 That way it's locked in place.

02:45:21.000 You can't get out of that.

02:45:23.000 See, watch.

02:45:23.000 Go before that.

02:45:25.000 He throws the leg up. 1.00

02:45:26.000 See, this is all sloppy shit. 0.98

02:45:28.000 He grabs ahold of his shin, but what he's supposed to do for real is grab ahold of his right foot, pull his right foot down until it locks underneath his left leg. 1.00

02:45:36.000 See how it's all fucking loose and sloppy? 0.99

02:45:39.000 Bitch, nobody's getting stuck in that triangle. 1.00

02:45:41.000 They gotta pop right out of that posture up and beat your fucking ass. 1.00

02:45:44.000 Posture up. 1.00

02:45:45.000 Now you're on the bottom, stupid. 1.00

02:45:48.000 If you have a triangle, you gotta do it right. 1.00

02:45:51.000 I don't know how Horian let him get away with that.

02:45:53.000 They should have made him tighten that up.

02:45:55.000 What?

02:45:55.000 Is it a possibility that it's just weight class differences?

02:45:58.000 No, no, no, no.

02:45:59.000 It's just a move.

02:46:01.000 It's like you do it right or you do it wrong.

02:46:03.000 When you do a triangle and you got somebody locked up, right?

02:46:06.000 If you got someone's arm in here, if you do this, you don't have any leverage.

02:46:10.000 You have no leverage. 1.00

02:46:12.000 But here, motherfucker, where you going? 1.00

02:46:15.000 I wouldn't fit in there. 1.00

02:46:16.000 Nowhere. 1.00

02:46:16.000 You would fit in there, motherfucker. 1.00

02:46:18.000 I'll put you in there. 1.00

02:46:19.000 I'll squeeze you to sleep.

02:46:21.000 It's not a matter of whether or not you're gonna fit.

02:46:23.000 I'm gonna make you fit.

02:46:26.000 I'll fit you in there.

02:46:28.000 For sure.

02:46:32.000 I'll fit you in there. 0.99

02:46:33.000 And someone with bigger, longer legs, they'll fucking fit you in there. 0.99

02:46:37.000 There's some horrible people who get stuck in their guard. 0.99

02:46:40.000 This is my friend Brian.

02:46:42.000 We used to call him Beast. 0.99

02:46:43.000 And Brian, he's a big, strong fucking dude. 1.00

02:46:47.000 Did a lot of kettlebells and shit. 0.99

02:46:48.000 He was probably in the 220s, but a real athletic dude. 0.99

02:46:52.000 And he was all legs. 0.99

02:46:53.000 And this motherfucker, if you'd gotten his guard, it was just being constricted with giant bones and huge muscles. 1.00

02:46:59.000 Just... 1.00

02:47:01.000 Oh! 0.97

02:47:04.000 So if you ever rolled with that guy, you needed to stay the fuck away from his guard, because he's just all legs and power, like the amount of strength that you have in your legs, like people don't even recognize it.

02:47:16.000 You don't, you don't, unless you have rolled with someone who has developed their leg muscles and the dexterity to pull off jujitsu moves with their legs, like there's certain guys that get to a point where they get really, really good at that, When you roll with them, you realize you take your legs and you run up stairs.

02:47:33.000 Think of that.

02:47:34.000 You take your legs.

02:47:35.000 You could have a package in your hand and you could run up the stairs.

02:47:39.000 You're throwing your body like plyometrics up these stairs.

02:47:43.000 You can't do that with your arms, but you're so confident choking someone with your arms. 0.99

02:47:47.000 Oh, that's totally fucking true. 0.98

02:47:48.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:47:50.000 You always take advantage of your feet.

02:47:52.000 They're always working.

02:47:53.000 You're carrying yourself everywhere you go.

02:47:56.000 Your body's carrying whatever it is from your waist up. 0.99

02:47:59.000 You're carrying 100 plus whatever the fuck it is pounds. 0.99

02:48:03.000 That's what your upper body is, right? 0.99

02:48:04.000 Your legs are constantly getting work out.

02:48:07.000 If you think about Joey Diaz, or here's even better, Ralph Hume. 0.98

02:48:11.000 You know how fucking strong Ralph Hume's legs must be? 1.00

02:48:16.000 Fucking insane. 1.00

02:48:17.000 I bet he has giant ass leg muscles. 1.00

02:48:19.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:48:20.000 He must.

02:48:21.000 You ever see, you know, there's a comic, he's good friends with Daniel Tosh, and he used to be overweight.

02:48:28.000 And we were doing a voiceover thing, and he lost like 200 pounds.

02:48:32.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:48:33.000 But his calves were fucking yoked. 0.99

02:48:35.000 And we were doing a voiceover, and I kept saying, his name's Eddie. 0.99

02:48:39.000 It's Eddie.

02:48:40.000 He's married to Megan Mullaney.

02:48:44.000 Anyway, his calves are yoked, and I kept going.

02:48:47.000 We're in the voiceover booth, and Tosh is listening to us do voiceover.

02:48:50.000 And I kept going, man, your calves are huge.

02:48:52.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:48:53.000 I go, no, they're fucking, those are ridiculous. 0.99

02:48:55.000 I've never seen calves like that in my life. 1.00

02:48:57.000 That's hilarious.

02:48:58.000 He's like, yeah, I know, I know, I have big calves.

02:49:00.000 I go, no, I don't think you understand.

02:49:02.000 You have the biggest calves.

02:49:03.000 And I'm looking at Tosh's in a sound booth laughing hysterically.

02:49:06.000 And I go, you really should enter a calf contest.

02:49:09.000 Those are the biggest calves.

02:49:10.000 And Tosh gets on the thing and goes...

02:49:12.000 Bert, he used to be 380 pounds.

02:49:15.000 That's why he's got big calves.

02:49:16.000 And I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable.

02:49:18.000 That's a very good Tosh impression.

02:49:20.000 I felt Tosh when you were doing that.

02:49:23.000 It sounded like his inflection.

02:49:24.000 Sounds like the real guy.

02:49:25.000 Yeah.

02:49:26.000 But you could, you know, if you have the flexibility and the dexterity, you could do so much with your legs.

02:49:31.000 You know, your legs control.

02:49:32.000 Like, Marcelo Garcia was one of the greatest jiu-jitsu players of all time. 0.99

02:49:36.000 Did not have a big upper body, but he had these giant ass fucking legs, and he would squeeze a shit out of dudes and control them with his legs. 1.00

02:49:43.000 That was a big part of his jiu-jitsu game, was controlling your body with your legs. 1.00

02:49:47.000 I would be good with my legs.

02:49:47.000 I bet you would.

02:49:48.000 I used to be able to squeeze my legs.

02:49:53.000 When you'd wrestle with friends, I could get them where I'd put my legs around their waist and squeeze them. 0.96

02:49:57.000 And I remember my buddy came and would be like, I just shit my pants! 0.98

02:50:01.000 Whoa. 0.97

02:50:01.000 Yeah, it took that too far. 0.97

02:50:03.000 Yeah, maybe that guy was gonna shit anyway. 0.99

02:50:06.000 I'm gonna use this excuse. 1.00

02:50:07.000 I'm gonna wrestle with Bert and just shit myself. 1.00

02:50:14.000 Think about some of the weird shit you did with your friends. 1.00

02:50:17.000 My friend Pauly, he whacked a stick against a tree. 1.00

02:50:21.000 You know how kids are always doing shit like that? 0.99

02:50:23.000 And the stick broke and it went... 0.97

02:50:26.000 You know, I flipped through the air and hit my eyebrow. 0.96

02:50:29.000 Like, and cut the shit out of my eyebrow. 0.96

02:50:32.000 But, like, it was a half an inch from my eyeball. 0.99

02:50:35.000 It was like the pointy part of this stick that snapped off after you whacked against a tree.

02:50:40.000 Went whipping through the air, and I think about that all the time.

02:50:43.000 I could have been blind.

02:50:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:50:44.000 I could have been blinded in that one dumb move in the woods with my friend, who was an idiot, who just wanted to hit a tree with a stick. 1.00

02:50:51.000 Smacked a tree with a stick. 1.00

02:50:52.000 I easily went blind from that.

02:50:54.000 I thought about that all the time. 1.00

02:50:55.000 Like, that one fucking moment. 1.00

02:50:57.000 That one moment. 1.00

02:50:58.000 Like, if I just went like that.

02:51:00.000 If I just ducked a little.

02:51:02.000 Yeah.

02:51:03.000 Or raised up a little, rather.

02:51:05.000 That's all I'd have to do.

02:51:06.000 Just raise up a little.

02:51:07.000 And when it went from here to here.

02:51:08.000 All I had to do was move.

02:51:11.000 That's terrifying.

02:51:12.000 Yeah.

02:51:13.000 I didn't see it coming.

02:51:14.000 It was like... 1.00

02:51:17.000 We used to put a hose up our ass and shoot water out of our assholes at each other. 1.00

02:51:22.000 That's so not good. 0.99

02:51:23.000 It's so not good.

02:51:24.000 You could die from that.

02:51:24.000 We used to do it all the time.

02:51:26.000 You'd get E. Coli.

02:51:27.000 You'd blow it in each other's faces. 1.00

02:51:29.000 We'd go into New Smyrna and you'd get out from surfing and you'd shoot the hose water up your ass and give yourself an enema and then just shit on each other. 1.00

02:51:36.000 What the fuck, Bert? 1.00

02:51:38.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:51:40.000 I wish Kamen was here right now. 1.00

02:51:41.000 Come on. 0.99

02:51:42.000 Meet Kamen and Alan Rieger used to shit on each other. 0.99

02:51:44.000 Oh my god! 0.99

02:51:46.000 You'd do it when they weren't looking.

02:51:48.000 Like you'd do it and you'd hold it in there.

02:51:50.000 What's Bert doing?

02:51:51.000 Nothing.

02:51:51.000 I'm not even looking.

02:51:52.000 I hear a hose.

02:51:53.000 I heard a buckle. 1.00

02:51:56.000 You just hold it in there and then you just turn around and shit on him. 1.00

02:51:59.000 Oh Jesus Christ! 1.00

02:52:01.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

02:52:03.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:52:05.000 It was Florida. 1.00

02:52:07.000 Jesus, everything is Florida.

02:52:09.000 It goes back to Florida.

02:52:10.000 But you guys did produce Leonard Skinner. 0.99

02:52:11.000 Oh, fuck yeah, we did. 0.99

02:52:13.000 Explain that. 1.00

02:52:14.000 You produced one of the greatest bands of all time. 0.99

02:52:16.000 Gimme Three Steps is an amazing fucking song. 0.98

02:52:19.000 How about Curtis Lowe? 0.99

02:52:20.000 The Ballad of Curtis Lowe?

02:52:21.000 That's a song people don't even talk about.

02:52:23.000 And you know what's even bigger is if you grew up in Florida, you remember that.

02:52:28.000 I'm sure they did this all over the place, but I distinctly remember bringing, you could get glass bottles that were worth 10 cents each, and I'd bring them back down to the Circle K by my house, and you walk down with like 10, Glass bottles on your fingers and walk down to Circle K,

02:52:45.000 get them in, and you buy candy that way.

02:52:48.000 That's a line he has about collecting old bottles and bringing them down and selling it. 1.00

02:52:52.000 And I was like, fuck man, I did that shit. 1.00

02:52:54.000 Wow. 1.00

02:52:55.000 That's a great song, man.

02:52:57.000 It really is.

02:52:57.000 I got into that song once like three years ago.

02:53:00.000 You know how sometimes you go on a trip, and for whatever reason, you're sitting on the beach or something like that, relaxing, listening to your iPhone, listening to music or something, and you have this one song that just resonates with the moment?

02:53:12.000 For me, it was that Ballad of Curtis Lowe.

02:53:15.000 I was in Hawaii.

02:53:15.000 I listened to that song like 30 times over the weekend.

02:53:18.000 Yeah.

02:53:19.000 It's such a good song.

02:53:20.000 You know, this is a little bit of a stretch, but I went through a period...

02:53:25.000 A couple years ago, where all I'd listen to was In Excess.

02:53:30.000 Wow.

02:53:30.000 What a great...

02:53:31.000 In Excess, if you haven't played them in a while...

02:53:33.000 This is what you need.

02:53:34.000 This is what you need.

02:53:34.000 When you listen to...

02:53:35.000 Yeah.

02:53:39.000 I'm telling you, that album, if you get the best of In Excess, it is such a great...

02:53:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:53:50.000 That guy choked himself out, jerking off. 0.99

02:53:53.000 That's how he died. 1.00

02:53:54.000 It's gotta be feel good.

02:53:55.000 It can't feel that good.

02:53:57.000 If people are dying for it, it's gotta feel good. 1.00

02:53:59.000 No, they just fucked up. 1.00

02:54:01.000 People just like weird shit. 1.00

02:54:02.000 I watched the movie of them. 1.00

02:54:04.000 There's a movie of them that was on, and I forget what it was called, but it was a really great movie.

02:54:11.000 And I got on this NXS phase.

02:54:13.000 I was riding motorcycles a lot at the time.

02:54:15.000 And I was listening to NXS on motorcycles.

02:54:17.000 While you were riding?

02:54:17.000 All the time.

02:54:18.000 Wow, I would want to hear what the fuck is going on around me. 0.99

02:54:20.000 No. 0.99

02:54:20.000 I put in noise reduction headsets. 0.99

02:54:22.000 These little ultimate ears. 0.76

02:54:24.000 Plug them in.

02:54:24.000 You're on the highway.

02:54:26.000 You can't hear anything anyway. 0.97

02:54:27.000 It's all fucking windy. 0.97

02:54:28.000 Oh, okay. 0.98

02:54:29.000 I get it.

02:54:30.000 When you're riding motorcycles, all you got to be is like...

02:54:32.000 Tuned in.

02:54:33.000 It's amazing how hypersensitive you are to every other driver.

02:54:37.000 Oh, yeah.

02:54:37.000 You'd have to be.

02:54:39.000 When you see those guys zipping in between lanes, which is a weird thing to be legal, does that freak you out?

02:54:43.000 Yeah.

02:54:44.000 Because I've ridden motorcycles, I'm very respectful.

02:54:46.000 If I see them, I give them space.

02:54:48.000 Me too.

02:54:49.000 I move right over.

02:54:50.000 When I see them, but sometimes you don't see them.

02:54:52.000 Like, you hear Harleys, which is real good, but there's some of those, like, smaller bikes.

02:54:57.000 Like, they're just there all of a sudden.

02:54:58.000 You're like, I don't even see... 1.00

02:54:59.000 Especially if you listen to shit loud in your car. 1.00

02:55:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:55:02.000 If you're fucking jamming to the Led Zeppelin immigrant song. 0.99

02:55:07.000 That's what I listen to when I get in the cryo tank. 1.00

02:55:09.000 Really?

02:55:10.000 Yeah.

02:55:10.000 Come from the land of the ice and snow with the midnight sun and night.

02:55:14.000 What about Good Times, Bad Times?

02:55:17.000 The beginning of that song is one of the best beginnings of a song ever. 0.94

02:55:22.000 Bill Burr calls me up one day, and he goes, you're not gonna fucking believe it. 0.80

02:55:27.000 He goes, Led Zeppelin stole all their music. 0.87

02:55:30.000 I went and listened to it.

02:55:31.000 It's heartbreaking. 0.99

02:55:32.000 It's fucking heartbreaking. 1.00

02:55:34.000 They're fucking thieves. 1.00

02:55:35.000 Dude, I didn't want to believe it. 1.00

02:55:36.000 It's one of those things I was like, nah.

02:55:38.000 I didn't even want to listen.

02:55:39.000 And once I listened...

02:55:41.000 And I go, come on, really?

02:55:43.000 And I called him.

02:55:44.000 I go, really?

02:55:44.000 He goes, dude, I can't believe I'm out of this.

02:55:46.000 He left a message.

02:55:47.000 It was back when people left voicemail messages.

02:55:49.000 Yeah.

02:55:50.000 Just a few years ago.

02:55:51.000 I haven't left a voicemail.

02:55:52.000 Good luck leaving a voicemail message. 1.00

02:55:54.000 My shit's always full. 1.00

02:55:55.000 I don't ever answer those things. 1.00

02:55:56.000 Mine still says, I'm out of the country.

02:55:57.000 If you know me, you'll find me.

02:55:59.000 I don't need that.

02:56:01.000 Joey Diaz, you can't even leave a voicemail. 1.00

02:56:03.000 He'll beat your ass. 1.00

02:56:05.000 I've made that mistake. 1.00

02:56:06.000 You can't leave a text message either.

02:56:07.000 You gotta call him.

02:56:08.000 Dog! 0.71

02:56:09.000 I'll see you call me.

02:56:10.000 I'll call you back.

02:56:11.000 And when he calls you, you gotta return that call.

02:56:14.000 Yeah, you gotta must.

02:56:14.000 There's no, like, I'll get to it later.

02:56:17.000 He's essentially our dad.

02:56:19.000 Out of all of us.

02:56:21.000 He's the elder statesman, for sure.

02:56:23.000 Do you know what my phone does now?

02:56:24.000 It gives me a text of what the voicemail says.

02:56:27.000 Yeah, yeah, that's a new thing with iPhones. 0.98

02:56:29.000 Isn't that fucking crazy? 0.93

02:56:30.000 It's kind of weird. 0.99

02:56:32.000 I'm switching over.

02:56:33.000 I'm going to do an experiment for the podcast.

02:56:35.000 I'm using a Windows laptop, and I'm going to try an Android phone.

02:56:40.000 Really?

02:56:40.000 Yeah.

02:56:41.000 I'm going to try this new Google Pixel phone for a few months, and I'm going to try a Windows 10. Because I look at people at the airport, and they have Windows laptops.

02:56:48.000 I'm like, what do you do on that thing?

02:56:50.000 What's happening on that thing?

02:56:52.000 Is that any different?

02:56:53.000 Are you experiencing anything?

02:56:56.000 50% of the world interfaces with completely different devices than the other 50%.

02:57:01.000 One side is using iPhones and Macs.

02:57:04.000 Some people use iPhones and Windows.

02:57:07.000 It is possible, but they do sync up well together.

02:57:09.000 So oftentimes, if somebody has one, they have the other.

02:57:11.000 And then you have other people that are just using Android phones.

02:57:13.000 And they're using Windows computers or Mac.

02:57:15.000 They can use whatever they want.

02:57:16.000 But Windows computers are a greater percentage of the people using computers in the world than anything.

02:57:22.000 Yeah.

02:57:22.000 And when you look at them, they look old.

02:57:26.000 They have new ones now that look better where you can touch them and shit, but a lot of them are thick. 0.99

02:57:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:57:31.000 Black. 0.93

02:57:31.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:57:32.000 What's a fucking black computer? 1.00

02:57:33.000 That's what I bought. 1.00

02:57:34.000 Oh, it's silver.

02:57:35.000 I bought a ThinkPad.

02:57:36.000 I bought a black ThinkPad.

02:57:37.000 You know what's crazy?

02:57:38.000 I did this in Philly.

02:57:39.000 I told everyone to put their phones on the table.

02:57:41.000 Oh, you did that thing. 0.86

02:57:41.000 And I went, do you know what I'm talking about? 0.86

02:57:43.000 No.

02:57:43.000 I went, hey Siri, set a reminder to watch Burt Kreischer's special at 10pm on Showtime, November 11th.

02:57:51.000 Look at this.

02:57:57.000 Did it do it?

02:57:58.000 Okay, I'll remind you.

02:58:00.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:58:00.000 How fucking crazy is that? 0.99

02:58:02.000 Well, that's one of the reasons why I want to try this Google Pixel. 0.98

02:58:05.000 Because the Google Pixel has this new thing called Google Assistant that's supposed to be next level.

02:58:09.000 Not only that, it's contextual.

02:58:11.000 So I can say, hey Siri, call Bert Kreischer.

02:58:17.000 Or it wouldn't be Siri.

02:58:19.000 What do you say to the...

02:58:21.000 It was Daryl.

02:58:22.000 I think it was Daryl. 1.00

02:58:23.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

02:58:24.000 Hey, Daryl. 1.00

02:58:25.000 Yo, Daryl.

02:58:26.000 What up, dog?

02:58:27.000 Hey, dude.

02:58:28.000 How old's Burt Kreischer?

02:58:29.000 And then it'll say how old you are, and then you could say, where was he born?

02:58:33.000 And it knows who you're talking about.

02:58:36.000 And it'll say, oh, he was born here.

02:58:38.000 Really?

02:58:38.000 Yeah.

02:58:39.000 What have I seen him in?

02:58:41.000 Well, if you go to his Wikipedia, you'll see him. 0.98

02:58:43.000 Oh, shut up. 0.99

02:58:43.000 Because Siri just takes me to a website. 0.99

02:58:45.000 No.

02:58:46.000 Next level.

02:58:47.000 It's contextual, meaning it knows what you're talking about.

02:58:50.000 Like, you can ask someone, you can go, okay, when's their birthday?

02:58:53.000 And it'll tell you their birthday.

02:58:55.000 You don't have to say, when is Bert Kreischer's birthday?

02:58:57.000 It remembers you're talking about Bert Kreischer. 0.99

02:58:59.000 That's fucking insane. 0.94

02:59:00.000 The coolest thing about Siri is that I can just be laying in bed and be like, hey Siri, set an alarm for 5 p.m. 0.99

02:59:05.000 and set an alarm for 5 p.m. 1.00

02:59:07.000 That's pretty cool, but you can always just set an alarm, you lazy bitch. 1.00

02:59:09.000 No, but like if you're laying in bed, you don't like to get up and swipe and enter your password and find five and... 0.99

02:59:18.000 Oh.

02:59:21.000 I can imagine using a regular alarm clock. 0.99

02:59:23.000 When I go to a hotel and I see that stupid thing next to the bed that's flashing 12, I go, what is this dumb thing that I have to figure out? 0.98

02:59:31.000 Everybody has a phone. 0.99

02:59:32.000 Your phone is going to, you're going to set an alarm on your phone.

02:59:35.000 Not only that, your phone knows when you switch into daylight savings time, and it resets it for you.

02:59:42.000 It just happened when I was in New York. 0.99

02:59:43.000 All the fucking clocks were off, and I was like, fuck, I'm late for the taping. 0.99

02:59:46.000 And then I looked, and I was like, oh, my phone's fine. 1.00

02:59:48.000 Yeah, that did it to me on Sunday.

02:59:50.000 I woke up.

02:59:51.000 I thought it was late, but it was actually an hour early.

02:59:54.000 That was great.

02:59:55.000 Yeah, that hour sleep.

02:59:57.000 They should do that every day. 0.80

02:59:58.000 Isn't it goofy, though, that we have to fucking change what time it is because of when it's dark and when it's light? 0.89

03:00:03.000 So that's one of the reasons why those people in Alaska are superior. 0.94

03:00:06.000 They reach these stretches where it's never dark.

03:00:10.000 They have these weird moments in July, like when Ari and I were there, we went outside, it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and it was like 6.30pm out here.

03:00:20.000 That's also arguably why there's so much drinking in Russia.

03:00:23.000 Yes.

03:00:24.000 Because I remember we were there during the white nights, and I remember being like...

03:00:28.000 You'd get done your night, and you'd be like, it's time to go to bed, but you'd go out, and it'd be fucking bright out.

03:00:33.000 You'd, like, go in your room, and you'd have to close all the blinds to get it dark.

03:00:36.000 What time does it get dark?

03:00:37.000 It never got dark.

03:00:38.000 It's called the White Nights.

03:00:39.000 How long does it last?

03:00:41.000 24 hours a day.

03:00:42.000 I mean, for how long of the year?

03:00:43.000 Probably, I don't know, I'd have to ballpark it at maybe, like...

03:00:47.000 A week, maybe two weeks?

03:00:49.000 Whoa.

03:00:50.000 You're at nature's whim.

03:00:52.000 But it's a week or maybe two weeks, but then for three months going in, I'd say maybe a month going in and a month coming out, it is well, like I remember walking around the streets at like 11 o'clock at night and it was bright like 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

03:01:05.000 Do you remember 30 Days of Nights?

03:01:08.000 No, what's that? 0.99

03:01:08.000 Fucking great vampire movie that takes place in Alaska. 0.99

03:01:11.000 The vampires arrive in Alaska when it doesn't get light out for 30 days. 1.00

03:01:16.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

03:01:17.000 Dude, it's fun. 1.00

03:01:18.000 It's fucking great. 1.00

03:01:19.000 They kill the power, start eating people. 1.00

03:01:22.000 And they're cool vampires. 0.98

03:01:23.000 They speak in some crazy dead language. 1.00

03:01:25.000 They have fucked up teeth. 1.00

03:01:26.000 They don't have straight up vampire fangs. 1.00

03:01:28.000 Oh, I like that. 0.77

03:01:29.000 Their mouth is filled with all these weird, jagged, tearing teeth.

03:01:33.000 And you know what I love also about vampire movies?

03:01:36.000 Vampire familiars. 1.00

03:01:37.000 That bitch who sells everybody out. 1.00

03:01:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:01:40.000 There's always one dude who's a bitch who winds up selling everybody out for the hopes that he... 1.00

03:01:45.000 You close up on that guy's face, you get to... 1.00

03:01:48.000 See what these vampires look like.

03:01:50.000 Just go to the full image, view image.

03:01:54.000 Oh, these aren't big?

03:01:55.000 Yeah, there's some pictures.

03:01:57.000 You'll probably find some if you find some.

03:01:58.000 Well, you can see that's just sloppy.

03:02:01.000 That's as sloppy as Al Jolson.

03:02:06.000 There you can tell.

03:02:08.000 That's a good one.

03:02:08.000 That's a perfect one.

03:02:10.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

03:02:11.000 There you go. 1.00

03:02:12.000 That's a good costume designer right there. 1.00

03:02:14.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

03:02:14.000 Or hair and makeup, whatever that is. 1.00

03:02:16.000 Yeah, dude, that's terrifying.

03:02:18.000 Yeah.

03:02:19.000 Tate Fletcher's in Westworld.

03:02:21.000 He's in everything.

03:02:21.000 Have you been watching Westworld?

03:02:23.000 Yes. 0.98

03:02:24.000 I got, man, I fucking geeked out. 0.99

03:02:26.000 I should have texted him or something, but I'm watching Westworld, and I see the guy in the fucking cave who's going, and I go, God damn it, man, that looks like fucking Tate. 0.99

03:02:34.000 And all of a sudden he gets out of the cave, and I'm like, shut the fuck up, that's Tate! 1.00

03:02:38.000 And I'm like losing my fucking mind. 1.00

03:02:41.000 Tate's balling out of control, son. 1.00

03:02:42.000 He's working all the time.

03:02:44.000 Constantly.

03:02:45.000 Well, he's got a great look.

03:02:46.000 There he is.

03:02:48.000 You know?

03:02:48.000 I'm jealous of his beard.

03:02:50.000 It's a strong beard.

03:02:51.000 It really is, and it's got like curls to it.

03:02:53.000 It's a perfect beard.

03:02:55.000 I wish I had the commitment.

03:02:57.000 Well, he pulls it off, too.

03:02:59.000 It defines him better.

03:03:01.000 Yeah.

03:03:02.000 Because that's what his beard's like.

03:03:03.000 He's eccentric.

03:03:04.000 You know, he's a beautiful, eccentric person.

03:03:06.000 He's someone I was lucky.

03:03:08.000 He's an example of why I'm happy to have a podcast.

03:03:12.000 Because I heard him on your show and then reached out to him and said, I'd love to have you on my podcast.

03:03:16.000 And then spent time with him and it was like, I love that guy.

03:03:20.000 He's a great guy. 0.99

03:03:21.000 He really is a great fucking guy. 0.99

03:03:23.000 He's a super positive person. 0.99

03:03:25.000 Like, super positive, super loving, really good friend.

03:03:30.000 Always, always love hanging around.

03:03:32.000 And he's friends with like Annie Letterman.

03:03:34.000 You know Annie?

03:03:34.000 He's fun with a lot of people, man.

03:03:36.000 Do you know Annie?

03:03:36.000 Yeah, the comic?

03:03:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:03:37.000 Like, he's got friends with, like, he's got a ton of fucking friends. 0.99

03:03:41.000 Who doesn't love Tate? 0.99

03:03:42.000 Yeah.

03:03:43.000 Tate's awesome.

03:03:44.000 Yeah, we know some good dudes, Bert Kreischer.

03:03:47.000 That's what we gotta do. 0.98

03:03:48.000 Ain't that the fucking truth. 0.99

03:03:48.000 We gotta do, uh, and some good women, too. 0.99

03:03:50.000 Morgan Murphy, how fucking funny was she last night? 1.00

03:03:52.000 She's hilarious. 0.97

03:03:53.000 She really is. 0.99

03:03:54.000 She's fucking funny, man. 0.97

03:03:55.000 I gotta get her on here. 1.00

03:03:57.000 Expose the world. 1.00

03:03:58.000 She tweeted last night, uh, I fucking hate the U.S. I'm so glad I don't live there. 0.99

03:04:06.000 Hashtag Los Angeles.

03:04:09.000 And then, right after that, I started noticing that Cal Exit...

03:04:13.000 Cal Exit?

03:04:15.000 Cal Exit?

03:04:15.000 It's like the Brexit.

03:04:17.000 They want California to separate.

03:04:20.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

03:04:21.000 We're the sixth largest economy in the world. 0.99

03:04:23.000 And so they were like, we could just separate and we'd be our own fucking place. 0.99

03:04:26.000 Because of Trump? 1.00

03:04:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:04:27.000 Oh, that's so funny.

03:04:28.000 Who's gonna win?

03:04:29.000 Jerry Brown?

03:04:29.000 He's gonna be our king?

03:04:30.000 Yeah.

03:04:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:04:31.000 That crazy asshole. 1.00

03:04:32.000 Schwarzenegger, we'll bring him back. 1.00

03:04:34.000 Bring him back.

03:04:34.000 I'm back.

03:04:36.000 Yeah, man.

03:04:36.000 Give him full reign.

03:04:37.000 It's a look, dude.

03:04:38.000 The best is last night when everyone started admitting to having crushes on Morgan Murphy.

03:04:43.000 I didn't see that part.

03:04:45.000 Oh, that must have been when you were doing your set.

03:04:47.000 Probably, yeah.

03:04:47.000 Someone was like, Stan Hope goes, I just gotta admit, I've always had a crush on Morgan Murphy.

03:04:52.000 And then someone else goes, me too.

03:04:55.000 And I was like, I'm married and I have a hardcore crush on Morgan Murphy. 0.99

03:04:58.000 And Morgan was like, I don't know what to make of any of you fucking drunks. 0.99

03:05:03.000 She was probably trying to avoid a gangbang by negotiation. 1.00

03:05:07.000 Yeah, she's great, man.

03:05:09.000 She really is funny.

03:05:10.000 Remember when she did that Carlos Mencia?

03:05:13.000 Yes. 0.97

03:05:14.000 How fucking funny was that? 0.98

03:05:15.000 Say the rest. 0.99

03:05:16.000 Say what it was.

03:05:17.000 Right after the Mencia beef broke out where he was stealing and he got caught.

03:05:21.000 By the way, this is what's crazy.

03:05:23.000 I didn't know that happened in the OR. Yeah.

03:05:24.000 I thought it happened in the main room immediately.

03:05:26.000 Watching it because I've never been to a club like that.

03:05:30.000 But she then said, Carlos Minstia stole from me too.

03:05:35.000 This is a routine that I made in 1939. Yeah.

03:05:38.000 Something like that.

03:05:39.000 And didn't she write something like that? 0.99

03:05:40.000 Something ridiculous like that? 0.89

03:05:41.000 And then she went into his bits, but she did them all like... 0.96

03:05:44.000 She took his worst material and did it super deadpan.

03:05:48.000 Hello, my name is Morgan Murphy.

03:05:49.000 I performed the jokes you're about to see in the year 1923. I've performed them in 2006. Judge for yourself, but I certainly see similarities.

03:05:58.000 I work very hard on this material, specifically the line, if you don't chill, you're gonna get it.

03:06:04.000 Morgan!

03:06:07.000 If you don't chill, you're gonna get it.

03:06:09.000 So, how do we organize these podcasts so we do more of those live podcasts, and when do we do them?

03:06:13.000 How often do we do them?

03:06:14.000 What do we call it?

03:06:17.000 Just keep calling it the end of the world.

03:06:19.000 Call it the end of the world podcast.

03:06:20.000 Yeah, it's the end of the world.

03:06:21.000 The end of the world podcast is just the end of the world.

03:06:24.000 And we're going to do...

03:06:25.000 We'll do live ones like we did last night, and we'll do them on a regular basis.

03:06:30.000 Yeah, do it once a month, you think?

03:06:32.000 Yeah, but...

03:06:33.000 Next time we do it, we can't just have people just walking in and sitting down and grabbing microphones.

03:06:37.000 It was just too many people as it is, and like, Burr got interrupted a bunch of times, then fights broke out between people that weren't even supposed to be there and people that we wanted to be there, so we'll fix that next time.

03:06:47.000 We get Stan Hope to come in once a month.

03:06:49.000 Yeah, he'll do.

03:06:50.000 He loves being here.

03:06:50.000 Yeah, he loves it.

03:06:51.000 He flies in.

03:06:52.000 Johnny lives right down the street. 0.99

03:06:53.000 Fucking pop in there. 0.99

03:06:54.000 Yeah, and doesn't Hennigan have an apartment here? 0.99

03:06:56.000 Hennigan has Stanhope's whole apartment.

03:06:59.000 Yeah, so he'll be here all the time.

03:07:01.000 But we could do those, dude, anytime we want, and we call him the end of the world.

03:07:05.000 Once a month.

03:07:05.000 Yeah.

03:07:06.000 Fuck! 1.00

03:07:07.000 Dude, last night was so much fun. 1.00

03:07:08.000 And when Stanhope read that note at the beginning, where, you know, he was panicking about it, and he was really super worried, and then I was like, come on, man.

03:07:16.000 It's just gonna be easy.

03:07:17.000 Your response was perfect.

03:07:18.000 It's just, hey, man, don't worry.

03:07:21.000 We'll just hang out and talk. 0.99

03:07:22.000 We'll get fucked up. 1.00

03:07:22.000 Enjoy it. 1.00

03:07:23.000 Yeah, easy.

03:07:24.000 This is gonna be easy.

03:07:26.000 I think, man, I'm in. 0.98

03:07:28.000 End of the year podcast once a month, I'm fucking in. 0.77

03:07:31.000 Yeah, maybe not once a month, man. 0.95

03:07:33.000 Maybe we do it quarterly.

03:07:34.000 You know, get people jazzed up for it.

03:07:37.000 Prime people up and have some reason to do it, you know?

03:07:40.000 Yeah.

03:07:41.000 We could do a gang of those.

03:07:42.000 Those are so fun.

03:07:44.000 And, again, it's one of those things where we're all together like that.

03:07:47.000 We all just start making each other laugh.

03:07:49.000 Like, when we were laughing at Burr, you could see Burr start ramping it up.

03:07:52.000 Like, because he's got an audience of his friends, too, you know?

03:07:56.000 So we got all excited.

03:07:57.000 Gotta get Diaz on.

03:07:58.000 Diaz was supposed to come by last night, but I think he had a spot somewhere at 10 and then was going to shoot over there afterwards, but it probably went long.

03:08:06.000 Yeah.

03:08:07.000 But you know, it's hard to get him to go out when he doesn't want to.

03:08:09.000 We'll do it the way it was supposed to go last night, which is like...

03:08:17.000 We get the core of, like, four guys, or three guys, four guys, and then throw out some invites to guys that we know that will be fun on there.

03:08:25.000 Like, Jim Jeffrey showing up was great, minus the child.

03:08:28.000 Yeah, we were like, what? 0.99

03:08:29.000 Burr and I were looking at each other like, what in the fuck is going on here? 0.99

03:08:33.000 Is that a baby? 0.99

03:08:34.000 But Jim was so confused.

03:08:36.000 He's like, I thought it would be a good idea!

03:08:37.000 Yeah, I'm down for a lot of stuff, but I think less the better, honestly.

03:08:43.000 I think four people's the maximum.

03:08:45.000 I think we were way over the top yesterday, you know, and at times it was so difficult for people not...

03:08:50.000 I think we did a great job, considering, of not talking over each other, but it was really hard.

03:08:56.000 Like, there was a lot of times when people start a rant and someone would just shit-can it and dive right into the rant, and then they would have to try to restart the rant, and then someone else would...

03:09:05.000 Recognize there's a weakness, and they try to step into, and it's like, oh, this is bad. 0.54

03:09:08.000 That's what you need.

03:09:09.000 You need guys that like...

03:09:10.000 Are good at that.

03:09:11.000 I'm not saying I'm perfect at it.

03:09:13.000 I definitely have flaws, but like, I will promise you when I got on that stage, I was like, I was not there to interrupt Joe, Bill, Greg, or Doug.

03:09:21.000 Nor are we to you.

03:09:22.000 You know, no one's trying to do it. 0.98

03:09:24.000 It's just like you might have something really funny to say, and you feel like you've got to get it out now, but someone else is still talking, and you're like, fuck, when is this guy going to talk? 0.97

03:09:31.000 And then three other people are waiting to talk, like, fuck, I'm not going to be able to get this out, and I'm going to forget it. 0.98

03:09:34.000 It's hard. 0.97

03:09:35.000 And noticing when you go, oh, there's a punchline right there, but in my head I go, Bert, if you recognize that, wouldn't you also enjoy to hear what Greg Fitzsimmons take on that very recognizable punchline will be?

03:09:46.000 Because it'll be better than yours, maybe.

03:09:48.000 Maybe.

03:09:48.000 Or, you know, either way, he's talking.

03:09:50.000 You know, like, let him rant it out.

03:09:52.000 There's nothing worse than, like, someone waiting while you're ranting, because then you feel them waiting, and they're like, but it's...

03:10:00.000 And you're still doing it. 1.00

03:10:01.000 Like, hey, you're trying to dance with me, motherfucker. 1.00

03:10:04.000 You're trying to step in on the dance. 1.00

03:10:06.000 Yeah.

03:10:06.000 And when you're in mid-stride, it's hard.

03:10:09.000 And the person around you has to kind of recognize that.

03:10:11.000 And one of the big differences is the difference between someone who's talking to you With you like some people just talking to you and they're waiting for their chance Like when you're done talking then I'm gonna talk and some people are talking with you like you're talking and then they go oh Okay,

03:10:26.000 and then they start asking a question They're talking with you and they might have a rant and they might not they might have something funny to say and they might not But they're having a conversation with you and that's way easier to listen to see when people just start talking at each other and They're not listening to the other person.

03:10:42.000 They're just waiting. 0.69

03:10:42.000 We're all guilty that sometimes sometimes you fucking zone out, you know When you're talking to people. 0.69

03:10:47.000 But if you're not engaged, the people listening are going to be aware of that too. 0.80

03:10:51.000 So it's going to be weird to listen to.

03:10:52.000 Yeah, it would be weird to listen to.

03:10:54.000 It's clunky.

03:10:55.000 I can't wait to listen to the podcast.

03:10:56.000 It's up right now?

03:10:57.000 The YouTube version's up.

03:10:59.000 Is the iTunes version up?

03:11:00.000 No?

03:11:01.000 It's still rendering?

03:11:03.000 Okay, we're gonna upload it when this podcast.

03:11:05.000 Make sure it's up by tomorrow morning because I want to listen to all my flight.

03:11:07.000 I'm gonna be pissing myself.

03:11:09.000 We'll have it up tonight.

03:11:10.000 Where are you flying?

03:11:11.000 Baltimore. 1.00

03:11:12.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

03:11:13.000 Baltimore. 1.00

03:11:14.000 Wait, what are you doing out there?

03:11:15.000 I'm doing the Comedy Factory?

03:11:17.000 What is that?

03:11:18.000 Where's that at?

03:11:18.000 I don't know.

03:11:19.000 You're gonna have to Google it, guys.

03:11:21.000 What did Ari just say? 1.00

03:11:23.000 I'll have my boy John Rollo come visit you. 0.99

03:11:25.000 Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

03:11:27.000 What? 0.99

03:11:27.000 I don't know. 0.99

03:11:28.000 I wouldn't say this out loud, but this is Ari's last podcast. 0.62

03:11:30.000 Take a look at that.

03:11:31.000 Can't say it out loud.

03:11:33.000 No, I mean, I can.

03:11:34.000 I don't know if...

03:11:35.000 He doesn't mind sharing his numbers.

03:11:36.000 Oh, he's trying to pull his numbers up.

03:11:39.000 No, that's what his downloads are for 16 hours.

03:11:42.000 That's pretty amazing. 0.98

03:11:43.000 That's fucking amazing. 0.99

03:11:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:11:45.000 Guys, go on Ari's podcast if you're ever curious of me and our fat shaming.

03:11:50.000 Oh, this is the most recent one that you guys did together?

03:11:52.000 Me and Ari did one, and Ari and I made a bet.

03:11:55.000 Me, Ari, and Tommy made a bet.

03:11:58.000 By January 3rd, We did our BMIs, and Tom and I both registered obese. 0.99

03:12:05.000 But Tom's lying about his height, but regardless, he's fucking 5'9". 0.97

03:12:10.000 He says he's 6 foot. 0.99

03:12:11.000 He's like, I'm 6 foot and like a half.

03:12:14.000 You don't think he's 6 foot, Jamie?

03:12:15.000 No.

03:12:15.000 That's right up next to me.

03:12:18.000 He's close, but I don't know if he's 5'9".

03:12:19.000 No, no, no, no.

03:12:20.000 You ever hung out with Tom?

03:12:21.000 Does he tower over you?

03:12:22.000 No.

03:12:22.000 Oh, exactly.

03:12:23.000 But he's taller than me.

03:12:24.000 I'm 5'8".

03:12:26.000 I'm only 5'8".

03:12:27.000 He's probably 5'10", then.

03:12:29.000 Yeah, I think he might be six feet.

03:12:31.000 It's possible.

03:12:32.000 I just don't see Tommy lying about anything.

03:12:34.000 No, he doesn't lie.

03:12:36.000 It's a misinformation he feeds to himself to make himself feel better.

03:12:40.000 Same way he says that I'm fat and he's skinny.

03:12:43.000 No, no, no.

03:12:43.000 He's really honest about that.

03:12:45.000 He even says, like, when this first started, he goes, when this first started, who is fatter, me or Bert?

03:12:51.000 He said this on Ari's podcast.

03:12:53.000 Yeah.

03:12:53.000 And he's like, me for sure, right?

03:12:55.000 Yeah.

03:12:56.000 And he's like, yeah.

03:12:56.000 He goes, that's what I think.

03:12:57.000 I was definitely fatter than him.

03:12:58.000 He goes, but he's fatter than me now.

03:13:00.000 No, we're the same weight right now.

03:13:02.000 We're the exact same weight right now.

03:13:03.000 Right, but you might be built different than him.

03:13:06.000 Yes, he has a cop body, and I have more like an Olympic athlete in the 30s.

03:13:11.000 And so our bet is Ari said that neither of us could get to just simply being overweight on the BMI scale.

03:13:21.000 You could definitely do that.

03:13:23.000 Which is like 225. If you listen to me, I can get you down to almost nothing.

03:13:29.000 Then that's it.

03:13:30.000 What would you want to weigh?

03:13:31.000 Like ideally, what would you want to weigh?

03:13:33.000 It was funny because Tom said, you know, we should be weighing like 190. Yeah.

03:13:38.000 But that, I would look ridiculous. 0.96

03:13:39.000 My head would look huge. 0.64

03:13:40.000 That is a weird thing that happens to people when they gain weight.

03:13:43.000 Yeah.

03:13:43.000 Your head gets bigger.

03:13:44.000 Yeah, my, oh dude, I have a size A hat.

03:13:45.000 Have you ever seen how big my head is?

03:13:47.000 I can look at it right now.

03:13:47.000 No, no, no, no.

03:13:48.000 Put my hat on.

03:13:49.000 Feel how big that hat is.

03:13:53.000 Whoa.

03:13:55.000 Dude, this is hilarious.

03:13:57.000 Look at this. 1.00

03:13:58.000 The amount of space between his hat and my head is fucking ridiculous. 0.99

03:14:03.000 Look at this. 0.99

03:14:03.000 Woo! 0.99

03:14:05.000 Dude, there's like several inches.

03:14:07.000 Yeah.

03:14:08.000 Like, look at this. 1.00

03:14:09.000 I have a fucking massive head. 1.00

03:14:11.000 Look at the space we're talking about here. 1.00

03:14:12.000 That's crazy.

03:14:13.000 Between his head and my head.

03:14:14.000 I mean, no exaggeration.

03:14:17.000 It's a solid inch all around the front.

03:14:19.000 Yeah.

03:14:20.000 And so...

03:14:20.000 That's crazy.

03:14:21.000 Your head's giant. 0.91

03:14:22.000 Why are you not smarter? 0.99

03:14:23.000 What?

03:14:23.000 How come you're not smarter?

03:14:25.000 My mom says I am.

03:14:26.000 And you're not tapping into it?

03:14:28.000 Maybe that's what the booze is.

03:14:29.000 You're like, too much information!

03:14:31.000 Too smart!

03:14:32.000 I want to take my high school entrance exam number.

03:14:36.000 It registered. 0.97

03:14:36.000 I want to take my high school entrance exam again and see if I've gotten dumber or smarter. 0.97

03:14:40.000 Oh, you're definitely dumber. 1.00

03:14:42.000 For sure. 1.00

03:14:43.000 It's not that you're dumber, so you forget all the stuff that you had to memorize. 0.99

03:14:46.000 Yeah. 0.98

03:14:46.000 I don't remember anything about calculus. 0.98

03:14:48.000 You put a division problem in front of me or a percentage.

03:14:53.000 Imagine if your brain kept growing and you had an issue and you had to kill brain cells by drinking in order to keep your head from pressing up.

03:15:01.000 The brain from pressing up against the side of your head. 0.99

03:15:04.000 The only way you can get past that is to just fucking get hammered every night. 0.98

03:15:08.000 If you don't, you have massive headaches. 0.99

03:15:10.000 Or panic attacks.

03:15:11.000 Because I think that's what I'm...

03:15:13.000 Your brain, maybe that's what's going on.

03:15:14.000 Your head is so big and your brain inside of it keeps growing. 0.86

03:15:17.000 And that's why you're boozing it. 0.99

03:15:18.000 You're just trying to kill the weeds. 0.99

03:15:21.000 Kill the weeds.

03:15:22.000 Yeah, and the feeling that makes you feel lonely and... 1.00

03:15:24.000 Yeah, kill all that stuff. 1.00

03:15:26.000 Kill it. 1.00

03:15:27.000 So anyway, here's the bet with me and Ari and Tommy. 0.99

03:15:29.000 Okay.

03:15:29.000 So we are going to get just to overweight, which is like 225. Why don't you guys just get healthy?

03:15:34.000 We're going to try.

03:15:35.000 We're going to try.

03:15:36.000 Why do you say that?

03:15:36.000 You can do it.

03:15:37.000 I can do it.

03:15:38.000 I definitely can do it.

03:15:38.000 100% you can do it.

03:15:39.000 I totally can do it.

03:15:40.000 So why don't you just do it?

03:15:41.000 I am doing it.

03:15:41.000 I'm doing it right now.

03:15:42.000 Do it right now.

03:15:43.000 Yeah.

03:15:43.000 How many beers do you have?

03:15:44.000 Three.

03:15:44.000 Four.

03:15:45.000 Four.

03:15:46.000 That's not doing it.

03:15:47.000 Well, yeah, not right now.

03:15:48.000 None of those are diet.

03:15:50.000 These were extras.

03:15:52.000 Are they?

03:15:52.000 No, I don't know what that means.

03:15:54.000 Corona?

03:15:54.000 Extra?

03:15:54.000 What is the difference?

03:15:55.000 Not really.

03:15:56.000 But anyway, so here's the bet, though.

03:15:59.000 If Tom and I can get to under-obese...

03:16:03.000 Then Ari has to pay for a trip that the three of us will take. 0.76

03:16:07.000 If Tom or I can't get to under obese, whoever can't, or if both of us can't, then we've got to pay for the three of us to go on a trip.

03:16:15.000 Ooh, I like it.

03:16:16.000 Yeah.

03:16:16.000 You want to be in a bet?

03:16:17.000 Nope.

03:16:18.000 No, I wouldn't bet against either one of you.

03:16:20.000 I'd try to help you.

03:16:21.000 What would my diet be?

03:16:22.000 Ketosis?

03:16:22.000 Yeah, for sure.

03:16:24.000 100%.

03:16:24.000 And no sugar and no alcohol.

03:16:25.000 Okay.

03:16:26.000 Exactly.

03:16:27.000 See, if you want to do it.

03:16:29.000 Sunday, I'm starting a diet.

03:16:31.000 Okay.

03:16:32.000 So the drinking is to squash anxiety?

03:16:35.000 Yeah, for me, mostly.

03:16:36.000 Like, when I'm on the road, I'm not someone who can just, like...

03:16:38.000 Chill?

03:16:39.000 I cannot just sit in a hotel room and just sit there.

03:16:43.000 Like, when I get off stage...

03:16:44.000 And by the way, and this is going to sound like a lie, but, like, I don't really drink on stage.

03:16:50.000 I bring a drink on stage for the first show.

03:16:52.000 I don't touch it because I'm talking for an hour.

03:16:54.000 I'm the only one talking.

03:16:56.000 I don't drink in between shows.

03:16:58.000 On the second show, I'll definitely have a drink, but now that's one drink probably I've had throughout the whole night.

03:17:03.000 So at midnight, when I'm done working, I'm like, I'm gonna have a couple beers, because I'm done working. 0.88

03:17:09.000 And then I'm like, well, I'm not gonna go fucking sit in my room sober.

03:17:13.000 I mean, that's what I should do, but I definitely... 0.79

03:17:16.000 So you hit that minibar?

03:17:18.000 No, no, no, no.

03:17:18.000 But I'll just sit at the club.

03:17:21.000 Sit at the club and have a few drinks and then go back to my room. 0.93

03:17:24.000 Not fucking plastered, but definitely with probably 600 more calories than I should have had. 0.66

03:17:31.000 And that's where the weight loss... 0.96

03:17:33.000 When I stop drinking, it literally tears off of me.

03:17:37.000 Now, how long have you not drank for?

03:17:39.000 What's the longest time?

03:17:40.000 I just wasn't drinking for three weeks.

03:17:43.000 How much weight did you lose?

03:17:44.000 Uh...

03:17:45.000 I got down to 235 was the lowest I got, but I wasn't really working out at the time.

03:17:51.000 How much weight do you usually weigh?

03:17:53.000 Right now I'm 242. So you lost about 10 pounds-ish?

03:17:56.000 Yeah, about 10 pounds.

03:17:57.000 8 to 10?

03:17:58.000 Just not doing anything.

03:17:59.000 I didn't even change my diet. 0.90

03:18:00.000 I was eating like shit, but I stopped drinking just because we were going under renovation, and I was getting allergies, and I got sick, and I was like, eh, I'm not going to drink. 0.98

03:18:10.000 I want to get healthy. 0.99

03:18:11.000 So I didn't drink, and I wasn't smoking pot, and then all of a sudden I was like, This is boring. 1.00

03:18:16.000 I know shit. 0.99

03:18:18.000 Imagine watching a marching band, but they don't have the instruments, they just play the tape. 1.00

03:18:24.000 What I like is long periods of sobriety followed by pot.

03:18:29.000 Like when I take a long time off, like many days off, and then I'll smoke a little weed, then I go on like adventures.

03:18:35.000 Yeah.

03:18:35.000 I can go on an adventure of the mind, or I'll go on a hike.

03:18:38.000 You know, I like to get fucked up and go on a walk up hills and shit like that. 0.99

03:18:41.000 Really? 0.99

03:18:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:18:43.000 And when I don't do it for a while and then I do it, then I get a different feeling out of it.

03:18:47.000 Yesterday was the first time I've smoked pot in probably three months.

03:18:50.000 Really?

03:18:51.000 It must have hit you hard. 0.99

03:18:52.000 It was so much fucking fun. 0.99

03:18:54.000 It was so much fun that I remember sitting on stage. 0.98

03:18:59.000 It was really interesting.

03:19:00.000 I had a very surreal moment, but sitting on stage and looking at the lights and looking at the people going, You know what, man?

03:19:06.000 Why would anyone not love this drug?

03:19:08.000 This is pure joy.

03:19:09.000 I'm happy.

03:19:10.000 I feel confident.

03:19:12.000 I feel good about myself.

03:19:13.000 Makes you friendly.

03:19:14.000 Yeah.

03:19:15.000 It makes you a little anxious sometimes.

03:19:18.000 It does do that, right?

03:19:19.000 It'll give you a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of paranoia.

03:19:22.000 Yeah.

03:19:22.000 But yeah, the three weeks was recent.

03:19:24.000 I didn't drink.

03:19:25.000 But I wasn't working out because I was sick.

03:19:27.000 But I just lost like eight pounds not doing anything. 0.95

03:19:30.000 And eating kind of shitty.

03:19:32.000 Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, because if you want to drink all the time, it's going to be super hard to lose weight, for real. 0.78

03:19:38.000 But if you could go back to that, go back to not drinking, if you think you could perform and have a good time and be you, and you definitely could.

03:19:45.000 I don't have a problem performing without alcohol at all.

03:19:48.000 It's after the show.

03:19:49.000 But even then, if you just decided you wanted to step away from that, you could totally do it. 0.99

03:19:55.000 I would really, really genuinely love to be able to smoke pot by myself in a hotel room and not lose my fucking mind. 0.98

03:20:03.000 What about candy, like pot candy, like a small dose? 0.99

03:20:07.000 Man, I've done it, and I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm stone sober.

03:20:11.000 I'm like, this is going to be my transition to relaxing. 0.98

03:20:14.000 And then all of a sudden, I feel my assholes mesh into the couch, and I'm like, I ate too much. 0.97

03:20:18.000 And then I'm like, okay, I can't breathe. 0.99

03:20:20.000 All right, you know what? 0.94

03:20:20.000 I'm going down to the bar, and I'm getting a glass of wine, and I'm going to fucking relax. 0.94

03:20:24.000 And then you're down there and you're weird and some lady sits next to you. 0.97

03:20:27.000 Yeah.

03:20:28.000 She wants to talk to you.

03:20:29.000 You think someone sneezes and you say, God bless you!

03:20:31.000 And now you look like a Christian. 0.96

03:20:32.000 Mmm.

03:20:33.000 I get nervous around you.

03:20:35.000 Yeah.

03:20:36.000 Xanax would be the alternative.

03:20:38.000 That was my old school way of, like, just going back, taking half of Xanax and going to sleep, or an Ambien. 1.00

03:20:43.000 But that's fucking drugs. 0.99

03:20:45.000 I mean, it's the same, same. 1.00

03:20:48.000 I know adults, like several adults, that take Adderall and Ambien all the time.

03:20:55.000 A lot.

03:20:56.000 Yeah.

03:20:56.000 That's the combo, apparently.

03:20:58.000 That's a combo.

03:20:59.000 And these guys, like this guy, if you knew him, you know, very...

03:21:04.000 Successful tech guy. 0.99

03:21:05.000 You know, he's one of those tech guys, and he's taken Adderall every fucking day. 0.98

03:21:09.000 Takes it every day. 0.98

03:21:10.000 Gives him an edge.

03:21:11.000 And then he goes to sleep, so I take a sleeping pill.

03:21:14.000 My guy I used to work with used to take Modafidil every day.

03:21:17.000 Modafinil is interesting.

03:21:19.000 I've taken that before, many times.

03:21:21.000 I've taken what's called NuVigil.

03:21:23.000 NuVigil is the newer version.

03:21:25.000 It's ProVigil and NuVigil.

03:21:26.000 I haven't taken ProVigil once, I don't remember.

03:21:29.000 But I've taken NuVigil several times.

03:21:31.000 And it's weird, because it doesn't...

03:21:33.000 Pick you up like a speed.

03:21:35.000 It's not like caffeine, like you have a crazy buzz, but it's like you're awake.

03:21:39.000 You're like tuned into things.

03:21:41.000 It's actually illegal in the Olympics.

03:21:43.000 Really?

03:21:43.000 Yeah, so it has some sort of performance benefits to it.

03:21:46.000 And apparently, I might be spreading disinformation here, but that's nothing new.

03:21:51.000 Google this for yourself if you want verification.

03:21:53.000 Apparently it was invented as...

03:21:56.000 A performance-enhancing drug, but they had to give it some sort of a medical reason that we would take it.

03:22:03.000 And they said, uh, narcolepsy.

03:22:05.000 Because it kind of keeps you awake, keeps you fired up.

03:22:07.000 But fighter pilots like it, apparently.

03:22:10.000 Jimmy Kimmel?

03:22:10.000 Jimmy Kimmel takes it?

03:22:11.000 Yeah.

03:22:12.000 Yeah, it makes sense.

03:22:12.000 By the way, that's bro information.

03:22:15.000 Bro science.

03:22:16.000 Bro science.

03:22:17.000 But yeah, I've heard that he's narcoleptic and he takes...

03:22:20.000 Yeah.

03:22:21.000 Really? 0.99

03:22:21.000 A comedian that's narcoleptic. 0.99

03:22:22.000 Can you imagine that?

03:22:23.000 You're on stage and just...

03:22:24.000 Imagine him falling asleep in the middle of one of his monologues. 1.00

03:22:29.000 Hitting your fucking head, falling down and hitting your head is no joke. 1.00

03:22:33.000 That was the Hillary Clinton story from 2012. That's also what happened to Bingo. 1.00

03:22:37.000 Bingo had some sort of a seizure recently and fell and hit her head and she's in really dire straits.

03:22:42.000 Stan Hope, I think, is flying back to her now.

03:22:44.000 But it was one of the reasons why he was probably a wee bit hostile this Tuesday.

03:22:51.000 He pulled me aside when I got there and he was like, I'm barely holding it together.

03:22:54.000 Yeah.

03:22:55.000 He's like, if we have a safe word, if you notice it, to say, hey, Doug could use a shot.

03:23:01.000 Yeah.

03:23:01.000 I mean, he's keeping together better than a lot of people would in that situation.

03:23:05.000 Oh, much better than me.

03:23:06.000 Yeah.

03:23:07.000 Love that guy.

03:23:08.000 I really love that guy.

03:23:09.000 Alright, so we committed to it, Bert.

03:23:11.000 End of the world.

03:23:12.000 So we'll do the end of the world.

03:23:13.000 Like, we'll do it with four people.

03:23:14.000 We'll do it every couple months.

03:23:16.000 And we'll swap people out.

03:23:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:23:18.000 It'll be a fucking blast. 0.99

03:23:19.000 Just call it the end of the world. 0.99

03:23:20.000 The end of the world.

03:23:20.000 Life in the store.

03:23:22.000 Alrighty.

03:23:23.000 I think we did three and a half hours, dude. 1.00

03:23:24.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

03:23:25.000 Are you serious? 1.00

03:23:26.000 It's after five.

03:23:27.000 Yeah, it's 510. Holy shit, man. 0.99

03:23:29.000 505, rather. 0.99

03:23:30.000 Yeah, it's 505. Bert Kreischer, Friday night, La Machine, November 11th, 10pm, Showtime.

03:23:37.000 Do not fuck this up, folks. 0.99

03:23:39.000 Set that DVR, goddammit. 0.99

03:23:40.000 Get on it. 0.97

03:23:41.000 Please, please get on it. 0.93

03:23:43.000 And you guys were cool as fuck promoting it all throughout the podcast last night. 0.87

03:23:46.000 Oh, my pleasure, my friend. 0.81

03:23:47.000 I know it's gonna be hilarious.

03:23:48.000 I'm excited that you did it, too.

03:23:50.000 I'm really excited that you're spending more time in stand-up.

03:23:52.000 You know, I just think, uh, it's like what we were saying about your show.

03:23:55.000 Like, your show is fun, and I love doing it, but you're almost, like, not tapping your potential as a comic, because you're so funny.

03:24:02.000 You've got to do it, right?

03:24:02.000 We have to do it.

03:24:04.000 So we've got to put in the work.

03:24:05.000 Yes.

03:24:05.000 Anything else to tell these people about?

03:24:07.000 Burtcast on Twitter.

03:24:09.000 Yeah.

03:24:10.000 Ari and I have been talking numbers a lot. 0.92

03:24:12.000 And so for those of you who don't know, Ari and I are texting our first day numbers to each other just because we are full fucking disclosure.

03:24:19.000 That's a beautiful thing about the friendships I've had based on meeting you a lot of is my friends, we tell each other how much we make. 0.88

03:24:26.000 We tell each other what our numbers are so that we don't get fucked or they can get better things. 0.73

03:24:32.000 Yeah, and you've got to be honest, too. 0.97

03:24:34.000 I think it's important.

03:24:35.000 Like, dude, I did not sell good in Cleveland or something about Cleveland.

03:24:38.000 Yeah, Pittsburgh was rough for me.

03:24:39.000 We open up our libs in front of each other and go through our podcast and go, Oh, you had him.

03:24:44.000 You didn't do well with him?

03:24:45.000 How come?

03:24:45.000 I wonder why.

03:24:46.000 Like, when your numbers were low on him?

03:24:48.000 Well, what's really cool about podcasts as opposed to...

03:24:51.000 We might as well just keep that song on just slightly lightly.

03:24:54.000 As opposed to anything else is the numbers are so hardcore.

03:24:57.000 Whereas like you get like ratings like, oh, we have a 1.5 on the Nielsens.

03:25:01.000 You don't really know how many people that is.

03:25:03.000 You're just guessing based on this algorithm they created over a very small amount of houses.

03:25:07.000 It's not that many people you're polling from.

03:25:09.000 It's certainly not 100%.

03:25:10.000 When you're getting a podcast and you see that number, that is 100% of the people that have downloaded it.

03:25:15.000 Yeah.

03:25:16.000 100%.

03:25:16.000 There's no ifs, ands, or buts.

03:25:18.000 It's very...

03:25:18.000 I mean, some of them might have downloaded it twice if they're crazy.

03:25:21.000 But for the most part, without whatever percentage you have that are repeats, for the most part, that's unique people.

03:25:26.000 Yeah, Tommy and I... Tommy, me, and Ari always talk about this.

03:25:30.000 And they're the ones that said, you need to really focus on your podcast.

03:25:32.000 You're slipping on your podcast.

03:25:34.000 So I picked it out every Wednesday.

03:25:35.000 I focused on the guests.

03:25:37.000 I only get guests I want to talk to that I'm interested in now. 0.87

03:25:39.000 I don't do bullshit like, uh, he seems love. 0.87

03:25:42.000 Whatever. 0.97

03:25:42.000 Just get, I need a guest. 0.97

03:25:43.000 I do guests I want...

03:25:45.000 And I released it on Wednesday, and man, my numbers have tripled in like five months.

03:25:53.000 And Ari's numbers are going through the roof. 0.97

03:25:55.000 Tom's numbers are fucking sick right now. 0.93

03:25:58.000 Yeah, podcasts are exploding. 0.99

03:26:00.000 And people can reach your podcast how?

03:26:02.000 Burtcast.com.

03:26:03.000 Just type in Burtcast.com.

03:26:05.000 And I'm going to step up to the next level.

03:26:08.000 Step it up to the next level.

03:26:09.000 I gotta get a Jamie.

03:26:13.000 You gotta get a Jamie in a studio. 1.00

03:26:15.000 I would love to get a fucking studio. 1.00

03:26:18.000 I would love to get a fucking studio. 1.00

03:26:20.000 Oh, I'd love to get a fucking studio. 1.00

03:26:21.000 I need a fucking studio! 1.00

03:26:23.000 All right, folks. 0.99

03:26:26.000 We'll be back.

03:26:27.000 This weekend is the UFC, so I'm gone.

03:26:30.000 Have a good time, and see you soon.

03:26:32.000 A lot of guests next week, so see you, buddy! 0.95

03:26:34.000 I can't believe that was fucking three and a half hours. 0.98

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 09, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #870 - Bert Kreischer

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