The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #923 - Whitney Cummings

00:00:05.000 And we're live!

00:00:07.000 Should I put this in my...

00:00:07.000 There goes the MCT oil.

00:00:08.000 Is this a good idea or a bad idea?

00:00:10.000 Yes.

00:00:10.000 How long are we going to talk today?

00:00:12.000 It depends.

00:00:13.000 It depends on how long you can hold back the floodgates of hell.

00:00:16.000 Okay.

00:00:16.000 I mean, I don't...

00:00:17.000 Oh, why is this wet?

00:00:18.000 Oh, that is coconut emulsified MCT oil. 0.97

00:00:22.000 If this is cum, I will never talk to you again, Joe. 0.99

00:00:24.000 I swear to God, my cum does not look like that. 0.99

00:00:26.000 And it definitely doesn't keep that well in plastic. 0.98

00:00:28.000 Pristine white.

00:00:29.000 You're so healthy.

00:00:31.000 I'm eating a lot of organic foods.

00:00:33.000 Is that too much? 0.96

00:00:33.000 It's changed the way my cum looks. 0.96

00:00:35.000 Wow, it looks like Elmer's glue. 0.93

00:00:37.000 No, that's not too much at all.

00:00:38.000 This is nothing wrong with this.

00:00:39.000 We were talking before for people that just tuned in.

00:00:43.000 There was no other way to tune in.

00:00:44.000 No.

00:00:45.000 Unless you bugged the studio.

00:00:47.000 The FBI is recording us.

00:00:49.000 We were talking about the drama behind taking too much MCT oil.

00:00:53.000 There's a feeling that you get where like a water bubble pops in your stomach and you're like, oh Jesus!

00:00:59.000 Yeah, it's like just abortion.

00:01:01.000 Like a five month abortion. 1.00

00:01:03.000 There's some ribs crack.

00:01:05.000 Yeah, something goes wrong, and then you must get to the toilet immediately.

00:01:09.000 And I don't know why.

00:01:10.000 I was trying to figure it out, like, whether or not it's, like, the oil itself, where it lubricates.

00:01:15.000 But that doesn't make any sense, because a lot of water comes out of your body, too, somehow or another.

00:01:20.000 I don't get it.

00:01:20.000 It's true.

00:01:21.000 Do you ever do colonics?

00:01:23.000 I've heard they're not good for you.

00:01:23.000 No.

00:01:24.000 Have you ever?

00:01:25.000 Are they?

00:01:25.000 I don't know.

00:01:26.000 I don't know either.

00:01:27.000 But placebo effect is a measurable effect.

00:01:30.000 Right.

00:01:30.000 So if you think it's good for you, maybe it is, or I don't know, but I have done a couple, and I don't do them anymore.

00:01:38.000 I just was like, when I first got money, I was like, I should pay guys to put things in my butt! 0.98

00:01:43.000 So a guy did it? 0.99

00:01:44.000 A guy did it, yeah.

00:01:44.000 Is that weird?

00:01:47.000 Yes, yes.

00:01:48.000 The answer is yes.

00:01:50.000 Judging by the pause. 0.98

00:01:51.000 Just so you know, like, well, because I was thinking about it, I was like, guys, I know putting things in my butt is weird, too. 0.97

00:01:56.000 It's all weird. 0.96

00:01:57.000 That's weird, too.

00:01:57.000 It's all weird.

00:01:58.000 Paying someone, I at least feel like I have a modicum of control and can actually sort of set boundaries, but it's weird.

00:02:04.000 There's so many weird things going on, it's hard to isolate what's uncomfortable, though.

00:02:07.000 I feel like putting things in the bud is a lot like Catholic schoolgirls, in that suppression is what creates the diamond, you know? 1.00

00:02:16.000 Yes, yes, true.

00:02:17.000 It's weird because he did find a diamond in there when he flushed me out.

00:02:22.000 What I mean by that is...

00:02:24.000 When we were kids, we all knew that Catholic school girls were like the biggest hoes. 1.00

00:02:29.000 Right, because they had the repression.

00:02:31.000 Yes.

00:02:31.000 The pendulum has to swing hard.

00:02:33.000 Yes, exactly.

00:02:34.000 Yeah.

00:02:35.000 You can't, like, there's yin and yang to this life, right?

00:02:37.000 Yes, right.

00:02:38.000 To find equilibrium.

00:02:39.000 There's a cycle. 1.00

00:02:40.000 They have to be whores. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Yeah, I did. 1.00

00:02:41.000 I went to Catholic school. 1.00

00:02:42.000 I know.

00:02:43.000 Did you?

00:02:43.000 I did.

00:02:44.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:02:44.000 I did for a bunch of years.

00:02:46.000 How many?

00:02:49.000 Five?

00:02:50.000 Six?

00:02:51.000 But I was, I mean, my fate was sealed way before Catholic school.

00:02:54.000 I mean, that was just like my excuse for my behavior.

00:02:57.000 I went to Catholic school.

00:02:58.000 That's not why.

00:02:59.000 I was a mess way before then.

00:03:01.000 But it weirdly, yeah, I mean, there's so much transgression within the Catholics. 1.00

00:03:06.000 Everyone was getting in trouble because, yeah, they were all sort of rebelling against.

00:03:10.000 It's forbidden.

00:03:10.000 It is forbidden.

00:03:11.000 I think it's like the butt. 1.00

00:03:12.000 It's like butt sex. 1.00

00:03:13.000 It's the same thing. 0.99

00:03:14.000 It's like, ooh, she's going to let you put it in there? 0.99

00:03:17.000 It's funny you said that because I was thinking about you during butt sex. 0.99

00:03:22.000 No. 0.99

00:03:23.000 I was thinking about, like, because I was like, I'm coming on the show tomorrow, and I felt like the last couple times I did the show, I was like, I feel like I was in a weirdly, like, I was talking about, like, I had just come back from Vietnam with deformed babies. 0.99

00:03:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:37.000 And I was like, is it going to go that way?

00:03:39.000 And last night...

00:03:41.000 Are we going to talk about deformed babies again? 1.00

00:03:42.000 No.

00:03:43.000 Because I'm out of deformed baby stories.

00:03:45.000 And I was at the gym last night.

00:03:48.000 I know it's obvious that I go to the gym.

00:03:51.000 LA Fitness.

00:03:52.000 I go to LA Fitness because I'm successful.

00:03:54.000 Wow.

00:03:54.000 And I can afford $28 a month.

00:03:57.000 No problem.

00:03:58.000 And I was in the bathroom, just like, you know, whatever.

00:04:02.000 And I heard this girl on the phone. 0.86

00:04:04.000 And she was like, you know, when you see someone pacing on the phone and you're like, oh, that's like a business call.

00:04:08.000 And I was just incapable of minding my own business, so I was listening to her.

00:04:12.000 She was also yelling. 0.78

00:04:13.000 And she goes, you know, into the phone, she's like, you know, I don't really get it. 0.98

00:04:19.000 I've only been asked to do one anal scene. 0.96

00:04:24.000 It sounds like I'm lying. 0.97

00:04:26.000 I know it sounds like this story's a lie. 0.97

00:04:28.000 I've only been asked to do one anal scene. 0.98

00:04:30.000 It went on and she's like, and it doesn't make any sense because I don't do anal in my personal life, so it's really tight. 0.97

00:04:37.000 This happened in the LA Fitness locker room. 0.86

00:04:40.000 Whoa.

00:04:41.000 And I was just like, I was agog for many reasons.

00:04:46.000 I would think that that would be like standard in LA that you'd run into porn stars. 0.89

00:04:49.000 You'd think, and I'm sure we do all the time, I don't hear them negotiating their deals.

00:04:56.000 This went on for quite a long time.

00:04:58.000 She did talk about when her rent was due.

00:05:01.000 I mean, I was in there for quite a while, and it just made me think about how grateful I am that I don't...

00:05:06.000 Do porn? 0.87

00:05:07.000 Do porn. 0.99

00:05:08.000 That's a good thing to be grateful for. 0.93

00:05:09.000 I had a friend of mine who his buddy was dating a porn star and it was like, no big deal.

00:05:16.000 You know, it's no big deal. 0.98

00:05:17.000 We all have sex. 0.80

00:05:18.000 No big deal.

00:05:18.000 And then one day the straw that broke the camel's back was she was going over her contract and he was apparently there.

00:05:26.000 I guess they have contracts sometimes.

00:05:28.000 I don't know if they always do, but in the contract it said, airtight.

00:05:32.000 And he was like, what's airtight?

00:05:34.000 And she was like, it's a guy in every hole.

00:05:37.000 And he's like, I'm good.

00:05:39.000 We're done.

00:05:39.000 That's it.

00:05:40.000 It's over.

00:05:41.000 It's a wrap.

00:05:41.000 It happened.

00:05:42.000 That was it.

00:05:43.000 Break the fourth wall. 1.00

00:05:44.000 Just one in the ass, one in the pussy, one in the mouth. 1.00

00:05:47.000 Yeah, one in each ear. 1.00

00:05:50.000 I mean, it was, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, because I was, of course, like, I had just, we had been texting about, I came back from Tulsa, and I had a connection, and I was like, I have a, like, I... You were on what Bill Hicks used to call the Flying Saucer Tour.

00:06:04.000 What's that?

00:06:04.000 Because you were in the places only where flying saucers go.

00:06:08.000 Amazing.

00:06:08.000 That's...

00:06:09.000 That's what Hicks used to call it.

00:06:10.000 When he would do the South.

00:06:12.000 He'd do these flying saucer tours.

00:06:14.000 Because that's the same as you.

00:06:15.000 That's how he would work out his stuff.

00:06:16.000 He would go to these weird road gigs.

00:06:19.000 I call it the kidnapped comedy tour, which is when I leave the airport with the driver, I'm like, I'm being kidnapped.

00:06:26.000 Like, because I truly don't know where we're going.

00:06:28.000 There's no hows.

00:06:29.000 I mean, we were just like in the middle of nowhere.

00:06:31.000 And I was like, I'm either going to go to a casino and do stand-up or get murdered brutally in a field.

00:06:35.000 Is that what you were doing?

00:06:36.000 Casinos out there?

00:06:36.000 I did a casino.

00:06:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:38.000 Mommy's got bills. 1.00

00:06:40.000 Mommy's got a lot of bills to pay. 1.00

00:06:43.000 And, oh, and this girl, she just went on and on and on. 0.65

00:06:45.000 And she said something that was so interesting to me. 0.96

00:06:48.000 She was like, and it doesn't make any sense because I don't do anal in my personal life. 0.98

00:06:52.000 Yeah, that's crazy. 0.98

00:06:53.000 And I thought it was so interesting that a porn star had boundaries in her personal life, but she'll do it on camera. 1.00

00:07:00.000 Yeah, she'll do it for money. 1.00

00:07:02.000 And it made me think about my boundaries.

00:07:05.000 I was like, this girl has stronger boundaries than I do.

00:07:08.000 Well, I mean, it's a preference issue, right?

00:07:10.000 Like, some girls actually like it. 1.00

00:07:11.000 Like, it's a bizarre thing.

00:07:13.000 I've had it come up on stage before, where people, like, raise their hands and say, I love it.

00:07:19.000 Yeah.

00:07:19.000 And you're like, alright.

00:07:20.000 There are many I get.

00:07:21.000 I'm not gonna chime in too much on this, but I agree with you.

00:07:26.000 I think some people just like to be dirty, too. 0.98

00:07:29.000 They like to be a dirty girl. 1.00

00:07:30.000 Yeah, I mean, I just don't know when sex got so boring. 1.00

00:07:33.000 Just regular old sex. 0.86

00:07:35.000 It's got to be so weird now. 0.84

00:07:36.000 I think a lot of it is who you're doing it with.

00:07:39.000 Why you're doing it to them. 0.86

00:07:41.000 Is it maintenance sex? 0.99

00:07:42.000 Are you really turned on? 0.99

00:07:44.000 Do you really like them?

00:07:45.000 Do you want them to like you?

00:07:47.000 Are you mutually enamored with each other?

00:07:50.000 Is there a mental connection?

00:07:51.000 Are you trying to get them to be enamored with you?

00:07:54.000 Animals.

00:07:55.000 Yeah, is it two animals?

00:07:56.000 Is it pure?

00:07:57.000 Is it a power thing?

00:07:58.000 Is it like that Billy Joel song?

00:08:00.000 Matter of Trust.

00:08:00.000 What's that?

00:08:02.000 Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

00:08:03.000 Old school.

00:08:05.000 Or are we just so desensitized from porn?

00:08:07.000 I'm fascinated by that.

00:08:08.000 Well, there's definitely that.

00:08:09.000 100%.

00:08:10.000 I'm doing this bit in my act now about the loss of pubic hair.

00:08:14.000 That there was at one point in time people just had pubic hair.

00:08:18.000 And now it just seems like women don't have pubic hair anymore. 1.00

00:08:21.000 Look, I got it lasered off five years ago, and I have been freezing ever since.

00:08:29.000 I am so drinking hot tea just trying to stay warm.

00:08:32.000 Have you ever thought of wool panties?

00:08:34.000 No, I'm going to have to get a merkin.

00:08:36.000 Wool is good.

00:08:40.000 Get your eyebrows!

00:08:41.000 I'm going to have to go to Piven's guy.

00:08:45.000 So it's interesting you say that.

00:08:48.000 A friend of mine, she is more like a family, like acquaintance, and she's got a daughter who's 15 who had her first sexual experience.

00:08:55.000 I don't think they had sex, but a man. 0.84

00:08:58.000 A boy her age saw her naked.

00:09:00.000 So there's no legal issues here.

00:09:02.000 Yes, there was no authorities.

00:09:03.000 Normal stuff.

00:09:13.000 What is that? 0.70

00:09:17.000 He had never seen pubic hair before because he had only seen porn. 0.87

00:09:20.000 Oh my god. 0.75

00:09:22.000 And he had never seen a labia before because in a lot of porn they have labioplasties and they remove them. 0.73

00:09:28.000 So he sees this horrific chicken gizzard and he thinks that she's deformed or has a giant skin tag because in porn they don't have a lot of it.

00:09:38.000 Is that that common that they get their labia chopped off? 0.97

00:09:41.000 It's pretty common. 1.00

00:09:42.000 When you see a vagina in porn that does not have the orchid-like You know, I don't know, elephant ear or whatever. 1.00

00:09:52.000 Catcher's Mint. 0.99

00:09:53.000 I don't know what porn. 0.97

00:09:53.000 Yes. 0.97

00:09:55.000 You're watching MILF porn, obviously. 0.99

00:09:58.000 MILF porn. 0.99

00:09:59.000 That's apparently the most popular. 0.98

00:10:00.000 Really?

00:10:01.000 Yes.

00:10:01.000 You know why?

00:10:02.000 I have a theory with that.

00:10:03.000 What's the theory? 0.96

00:10:04.000 The same reason why Ron Jeremy was a big time porn star. 0.99

00:10:07.000 Because, like, people looked at Ron Jeremy fucking these girls, and they're like, hey, if Ron Jeremy can fuck these girls, it's not like Ryan Reynolds. 0.99

00:10:14.000 It's like, I kind of look like Ron Jeremy, and he's getting laid. 1.00

00:10:17.000 Yeah, he wears a t-shirt in his porn. 0.99

00:10:19.000 Yeah, and if you see these women that are, like, 45 and still doing porn, I could get her. 1.00

00:10:25.000 Oh, yeah, I have her. 0.94

00:10:25.000 I could get her. 0.94

00:10:26.000 She's in my living room right now.

00:10:28.000 She's in apartment 4C. Yeah, I'm married to one. 0.95

00:10:28.000 She's down the street. 0.95

00:10:30.000 That crazy bitch. 1.00

00:10:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:31.000 She's right over there. 1.00

00:10:32.000 Interesting.

00:10:32.000 So maybe just like movies, there's like aspirational and then there's, you know, relatable.

00:10:37.000 Relatable, I think, is a big factor with the MILF porn. 0.88

00:10:41.000 I guess for me, I can't.

00:10:42.000 And maybe this is my being a girl.

00:10:44.000 Maybe it's being a comic.

00:10:45.000 Maybe it's having a hyperactive amygdala.

00:10:47.000 I don't know.

00:10:47.000 But when I watch porn, it's really hard for me to separate what I'm looking at from how the person got there.

00:10:55.000 And when they're young, I'm like, she's an idiot and she had a bad childhood and it happens. 1.00

00:10:59.000 But when they're older... 1.00

00:11:01.000 Unless it's Jenna Jameson or someone who's been doing it for a long time.

00:11:03.000 I'm like, who at 43 starts doing porn?

00:11:07.000 It's just too tragic for me.

00:11:09.000 Well, the jump off, like how do you jump off the train and when do you decide you've had enough years on the ride?

00:11:15.000 Yeah.

00:11:16.000 That would be the issue.

00:11:19.000 So many of them are on drugs and had bad childhoods. 0.98

00:11:24.000 The only porn I really am able to watch is Tumblr. 0.99

00:11:30.000 Tumblr has great porn because it's just in increments of 8 seconds. 0.98

00:11:30.000 Tumblr porn? 0.98

00:11:34.000 Wait a minute, Tumblr is porn? 0.68

00:11:36.000 It's like teenagers blogs about Twilight.

00:11:40.000 Pinterest-type collections of furniture and stuff.

00:11:45.000 Animated GIF files?

00:11:46.000 But there's also some porn ones that are sort of tasteful.

00:11:46.000 Exactly.

00:11:51.000 And it's only an increment of eight seconds, and it just replays it, so you don't have time to see the bad furniture in the background.

00:11:58.000 I get distracted by the...

00:12:00.000 The decor?

00:12:02.000 I'm like, that's IKEA. It's not assembled properly.

00:12:02.000 The bed.

00:12:05.000 I get distracted so easily.

00:12:09.000 If a girl's got a tattoo on her thigh, all I can think about is what it's going to look like in 20 years. 0.98

00:12:13.000 I can't separate enjoying porn from the porn star's bad decisions.

00:12:18.000 That's hilarious.

00:12:19.000 And I get worried about them.

00:12:20.000 So this is good because it's eight seconds and my mind can't wander.

00:12:23.000 Okay, I get it.

00:12:24.000 And they have some that are black and white, which is kind of sexy.

00:12:28.000 It's arty and it always looks consensual.

00:12:31.000 I can't really get turned on because I can tell when a girl is faking. 1.00

00:12:35.000 I can tell.

00:12:36.000 I've done it.

00:12:37.000 I've seen it.

00:12:38.000 So when a girl is just overdoing it or something, I'm just sort of like, that's a bummer. 0.99

00:12:42.000 It is a strange thing, the overwhelming number of people that watch other people have sex and masturbate. 0.99

00:12:51.000 It's amazing. 0.99

00:12:52.000 In history, in the history of human beings, there's never been more people masturbating to other people having sex. 0.99

00:12:58.000 Amazing point. 0.99

00:12:59.000 It's true.

00:13:00.000 It's fascinating.

00:13:01.000 And also I've gotten kind of obsessed with this because I recently did a movie where, and you know, when you do stuff, you do like focus group testing.

00:13:10.000 And there was a scene in the movie where Blake Griffin, the basketball player, really funny actor, like he's great in it, is with Cecily Strong.

00:13:18.000 They're married.

00:13:19.000 And the scene was that I wrote it with Neil Brennan, actually, that he walks in on his wife masturbating and what that is.

00:13:28.000 You know, like women walking on men, guys masturbate all the time, but how he takes it personally and, you know, it's sort of a threat to his masculinity and manhood and he's insulted and his feelings are hurt and all this stuff.

00:13:39.000 And so she's at a table and there's a computer and that's the deal.

00:13:44.000 I guess I just put my own experience into it. 0.90

00:13:47.000 I just assume everyone masturbates the same way to the same things, the same vibe.

00:13:51.000 When we played it for the focus groups, everyone was so confused about what was going on when he comes in and sees her at the desk with her hands under the table.

00:14:00.000 With the computer.

00:14:01.000 And then she throws the computer down and she's freaked out. 0.92

00:14:03.000 And to me, it's very obvious that she was masturbating in the scene. 0.88

00:14:07.000 In the focus groups, this one guy was like, oh, I had no idea she was masturbating. 0.63

00:14:11.000 I mean, where were the candles? 0.90

00:14:14.000 Whoa.

00:14:15.000 I was like, what?

00:14:16.000 You light candles? 0.95

00:14:17.000 Like, everybody masturbates so differently, I learned. 0.99

00:14:20.000 That dude masturbates with candles. 0.98

00:14:22.000 I was like, you light a... 1.00

00:14:23.000 You have a ceremonial... 0.99

00:14:27.000 Because I thought all guys just masturbate under a bridge where they belong. 0.99

00:14:31.000 And then... 0.99

00:14:31.000 The women were even weirder. 0.99

00:14:35.000 This one woman was like, oh, I had no idea she was masturbating because she wasn't in the tub. 1.00

00:14:40.000 Oh, God.

00:14:42.000 That's so specific. 0.90

00:14:43.000 Masturbate in your own...

00:14:45.000 Juices? 1.00

00:14:46.000 That's pussy soup. 1.00

00:14:48.000 Yeah, don't! 0.99

00:14:50.000 That's what I feel about Tubbs anyway.

00:14:52.000 You're not really even totally clean. 1.00

00:14:54.000 You're kind of in pussy and asshole soup. 1.00

00:14:57.000 I mean, that's what you're doing. 1.00

00:14:58.000 You're making tea.

00:15:00.000 You really gotta take a shower after you take a bath.

00:15:02.000 You're making tea.

00:15:04.000 Put some MCT. You're making pussy tea. 1.00

00:15:06.000 I mean, we're comics, so we're... 0.99

00:15:06.000 So it's just this... 0.99

00:15:08.000 I'm fascinated by people's deep, dark secrets. 0.97

00:15:11.000 And I feel like masturbation is that.

00:15:12.000 We show our lives to everyone on social media. 0.98

00:15:15.000 You know what I eat.

00:15:16.000 You know where your kids are.

00:15:17.000 You don't really do that.

00:15:18.000 But most people, everything. 0.70

00:15:20.000 The one thing we don't know about anyone is how they masturbate. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Well, I think also it highlights the problem with those focus groups. 1.00

00:15:26.000 Those focus groups are filled with morons. 1.00

00:15:30.000 Think about the kind of person who needs $50 cash. 1.00

00:15:33.000 Yeah, right now.

00:15:34.000 And we'll go watch a movie in the valley for $50. 0.97

00:15:37.000 And by the way, if you're listening to this, you're like, hey man, I'm fucking normal. 0.72

00:15:39.000 I'm just broke. 0.93

00:15:40.000 It's not you, man.

00:15:41.000 But you know the people that you're doing it with.

00:15:42.000 Okay, let's be honest.

00:15:42.000 Yes, yeah.

00:15:43.000 I mean, I have a complicated relationship with focus groups because...

00:15:47.000 We're comics.

00:15:48.000 Anonymous Strangers feedback is how I seek the truth, and that's who I listen to.

00:15:53.000 Like, I would rather Anonymous Strangers feedback than, like, a network executive who's, like, got all these, you know, sort of preconceived ideas of what a show should be like based on some formulaic thing that worked 10 years ago.

00:16:07.000 You know, the involuntary laugh, that's, to me, where the truth is.

00:16:10.000 So I have a complicated relationship with focus groups, because I really do trust Strangers.

00:16:15.000 Well, you kind of have to if you're a comic.

00:16:18.000 You know, because we have a weird art form in that we're one of the very few art forms that requires other people to make it form.

00:16:18.000 Yeah.

00:16:27.000 People we've never met and know nothing about and put complete trust in.

00:16:31.000 Yeah, if we don't do that, it won't be good.

00:16:33.000 No.

00:16:34.000 I mean, you can write a few jokes on their own and they come out really good, but you can never write an act.

00:16:39.000 Like, have you ever, and I know a bunch of comics that do this, like, if I'm sitting in a vacuum, like, writing jokes, I can be like, oh, this is funny, and you go do, you know, it's very, I mean, I feel like I'm gonna, I definitely have a, I'm usually pretty close, but there are times that it's just like, Yeah.

00:16:55.000 There is not a linear relationship with what I think.

00:16:57.000 That's why you're having a...

00:16:59.000 You just put a giant squirt of MCTY. No, that's fine.

00:17:03.000 That squirt is fine.

00:17:04.000 That is too much MCTY. No, it's like cream.

00:17:06.000 Look, it's great.

00:17:07.000 Looks good in there.

00:17:08.000 That is too much.

00:17:08.000 Tastes good.

00:17:10.000 Trust me, it's not too much.

00:17:12.000 Are you sure?

00:17:13.000 Yeah, what I'm talking about is like...

00:17:15.000 I want to know how much you drank that was an overdose.

00:17:18.000 Well, have you ever seen those smoothies?

00:17:20.000 Have you ever seen the smoothies that I put up on Instagram?

00:17:20.000 That was half a bottle.

00:17:22.000 I call them Hulk loads.

00:17:23.000 Yes.

00:17:24.000 That's the problem.

00:17:25.000 That is also a brand of porn, by the way. 0.97

00:17:27.000 Hulk loads? 0.90

00:17:28.000 I put like a quarter of a cup of MCT oil in that.

00:17:32.000 Is there...

00:17:33.000 I don't know anything about...

00:17:34.000 Is there a point where your body stops metabolizing something because it's gotten enough of it?

00:17:38.000 Yes, but I hit that point.

00:17:40.000 Yeah.

00:17:40.000 That's the thing.

00:17:41.000 Oh, you know exactly.

00:17:42.000 I hit that 100%.

00:17:43.000 Got it.

00:17:43.000 I get it all.

00:17:44.000 Okay.

00:17:44.000 And this is a daily thing, this much MCT. Well, that squirt right there, that little baby squirt, that's nothing.

00:17:52.000 You're a monster, and your Shrek hand, literally in one squirt, released half of that bottle.

00:17:59.000 I've never seen anything like that. 1.00

00:18:01.000 I shudder at the idea of you jerking off. 1.00

00:18:06.000 I literally feel sympathy for your dick. 1.00

00:18:08.000 Strange noises. 1.00

00:18:10.000 What you just did to that bottle was intense. 1.00

00:18:13.000 Your dick needs a day off. 1.00

00:18:15.000 I'm never going to look at my hands again and think of Shrek hands. 1.00

00:18:18.000 Never touch it again. 1.00

00:18:19.000 Your dick is filing a restraining order against your hands. 1.00

00:18:21.000 Well, thank God for fleshlights. 1.00

00:18:23.000 That used to be our sponsor.

00:18:25.000 Yeah, way back in the day.

00:18:25.000 Really?

00:18:26.000 It was our first sponsor.

00:18:27.000 The only sponsor that we had was The Fleshlight.

00:18:27.000 Yeah.

00:18:29.000 I remember I had sort of an aha moment with one of my specials.

00:18:33.000 I think it was on Comedy Central.

00:18:34.000 You kind of find out who you are based on who buys advertising time on your show.

00:18:39.000 Oh, yeah, I guess so. 0.81

00:18:40.000 I did some special on Comedy Central, and the ads were all like Adam and Eve sex toys! 0.73

00:18:46.000 Valtrex! 0.83

00:18:47.000 I was just like, oh, okay.

00:18:48.000 There it is.

00:18:49.000 That's who I am.

00:18:50.000 Good to know. 0.99

00:18:51.000 The focus group thing, I just can't imagine that no one would understand that a woman with her hands in her pants watching a computer wouldn't be masturbating. 1.00

00:19:01.000 They were very confused. 0.99

00:19:02.000 Unless guys assume that women don't masturbate to porn. 1.00

00:19:04.000 To porn, yeah. 0.99

00:19:05.000 That's a good point.

00:19:07.000 I don't know.

00:19:08.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:19:09.000 I don't talk about that kind of stuff with my girlfriends.

00:19:11.000 You don't?

00:19:12.000 No. 0.99

00:19:13.000 I'm not like, what do you masturbate to? 0.99

00:19:13.000 Nope. 0.99

00:19:15.000 No!

00:19:16.000 You guys don't talk about that all the time.

00:19:19.000 Really?

00:19:20.000 Oh yeah, we joke about it.

00:19:21.000 No.

00:19:22.000 Like we prepare.

00:19:23.000 Like some guys prepare.

00:19:24.000 I don't even talk about sex with guys with my girlfriends.

00:19:28.000 I talk about it on podcasts to strangers.

00:19:31.000 You don't talk about it with your girlfriends.

00:19:32.000 Is that odd?

00:19:33.000 Well, it's not odd.

00:19:35.000 It's just like, I mean, I'll definitely sometimes try to corroborate.

00:19:39.000 Like, I'll be like, hey, is this happening?

00:19:41.000 Or is this just, you know, is this a thing?

00:19:42.000 And they're like, yeah.

00:19:42.000 How many times do you get smacked?

00:19:44.000 Yeah, like, are you? 1.00

00:19:45.000 Because that's the new, the pussy, sorry, I hate that word. 1.00

00:19:47.000 Pussy? 1.00

00:19:48.000 You hate pussy? 1.00

00:19:49.000 No, I hate the word pussy in a non-sexual, I don't hate it, it just feels like it's reserved, it's just not. 1.00

00:19:54.000 It's only for sex. 0.99

00:19:55.000 I don't use it in a colloquial way, but I don't have another substitute for it, because vagina's a bummer. 1.00

00:20:00.000 Yeah, vagina is like an ant. 1.00

00:20:05.000 It is like an ant from Mississippi. 1.00

00:20:07.000 It's like non-sexual. 1.00

00:20:08.000 Oh, it's vagina. 1.00

00:20:09.000 It's very clinical. 0.99

00:20:11.000 I don't have a synonym for it, but slapping... 0.83

00:20:14.000 Like, I always know what's the new trend in porn, because it'll, you know... 0.99

00:20:17.000 Slapping pussies is the new trend? 1.00

00:20:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:20:19.000 You'll get, like, a slap. 1.00

00:20:21.000 That doesn't seem like it would be good.

00:20:22.000 And I don't know if it's like a...

00:20:23.000 Am I in trouble?

00:20:24.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:20:28.000 What if I just slapped your dick? 1.00

00:20:31.000 That would not feel good. 1.00

00:20:33.000 I don't know why anybody would like to get slapped.

00:20:34.000 I just think guys assume that since we give birth and that's such a shocking amount of pain that we can injure anything.

00:20:40.000 I don't know.

00:20:41.000 It's a weird little...

00:20:42.000 Well, there's something that happens in porn, for sure, where they escalate.

00:20:46.000 Where it used to be just people having sex. 0.95

00:20:48.000 If you go back to old porn, it would be like a secretary and a boss and, oh, I'm so tense, and the guy gives her a back massage. 0.98

00:20:54.000 Next thing you know, they're having just regular sex. 0.99

00:20:56.000 And then somewhere along the line, it became like gagging and slapping and fucking coughing and tears. 0.99

00:21:02.000 Going back and forth from one to the other, which is... 0.99

00:21:05.000 Super dangerous.

00:21:05.000 That is a UTI way, it's septic infection.

00:21:07.000 That's all I can think of, you know.

00:21:09.000 Stuff that's like you should not do in real life.

00:21:11.000 It's a really setting bad example.

00:21:13.000 Terrible example.

00:21:14.000 And guess who's having to suffer?

00:21:16.000 This guy.

00:21:17.000 It's us.

00:21:17.000 We're the ones that have to be like, meh.

00:21:19.000 And then we're like...

00:21:20.000 Mean women. 1.00

00:21:21.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:21:21.000 Well, I mean, we just have to play defense because there's always a, what porn did you watch today? 0.98

00:21:25.000 It's like, am I getting hit? 0.66

00:21:26.000 Am I getting trolled?

00:21:29.000 Can you please teach me jiu-jitsu just so I can get through this?

00:21:32.000 It's going to take a long...

00:21:33.000 It's not something...

00:21:34.000 You just teach somebody.

00:21:35.000 It's not like, this is the letter A in cursive.

00:21:37.000 I have a question.

00:21:38.000 I was thinking about this because I always am trying to equate our primordial instincts that we have not evolved past and with modern technology and alarm systems and how we get out those impulses in the modern world.

00:21:52.000 You know, did you hear about these food trucks that were in downtown LA? They're like these awesome food trucks who in every day are at a different location and guys go on Twitter to find where they are.

00:22:02.000 So I'm like, that's hunting, right?

00:22:04.000 That's the closest thing these guys have to hunting if they're not you, right?

00:22:08.000 That's a weird way of thinking it.

00:22:09.000 Isn't it?

00:22:10.000 I never equated that before, but I guess kind of.

00:22:13.000 If men have a primordial need to chase things and go kill and slay or whatever it is, so if there's an inherent need to be violent, let's say, and people don't get to do what you do and a lot of people that you talk to do, do they...

00:22:28.000 I guess here's my question.

00:22:29.000 Do people who get the impulse to fight out, either professionally or recreationally, are they less violent sexually?

00:22:36.000 Like, do they not need to...

00:22:38.000 Does it have to come out somewhere?

00:22:40.000 I would imagine they would be less violent, actually.

00:22:43.000 Yeah, because they get that urge.

00:22:44.000 Yeah, I would imagine they'd be less violent overall.

00:22:47.000 Agree.

00:22:47.000 Because they get to purge it somehow.

00:22:49.000 Yeah, and while I think road rage, when you see people in road rage incidents, the likelihood of them coming straight from a jiu-jitsu class and having road rage is almost zero.

00:22:59.000 Yes. 0.98

00:23:00.000 Because when I come home from jujitsu and someone cuts me off, I'm like, oh, dick. 1.00

00:23:03.000 Yep. 1.00

00:23:03.000 That's it. 1.00

00:23:04.000 Dick. 0.98

00:23:05.000 So you know how much, you know, what your threshold is for how much violence or not even violence. 0.99

00:23:12.000 I don't know what testosterone, whatever it is.

00:23:14.000 I think it's more tension than anything.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, releasing it.

00:23:16.000 Yeah, I think it's more.

00:23:17.000 Most people never get to release it.

00:23:19.000 No, most people don't.

00:23:20.000 And I think our bodies, I always describe our bodies as like a leaky battery, that we have a certain amount of reward systems that are built into our bodies, fight and flight, and worrying about how to gather food, and worrying about incoming tribes that are going to rape and kill us.

00:23:33.000 And I think those things are just ingrained in our DNA, and they don't get met or even addressed at all in modern society.

00:23:40.000 I have a friend of mine who has a really bad neck. 0.99

00:23:44.000 His neck is all fucked up. 0.99

00:23:45.000 And he works at a desk all day. 1.00

00:23:48.000 He hardly exercises.

00:23:49.000 He does a little bit of exercise.

00:23:51.000 But I'm like, man, your body has demands. 0.97

00:23:53.000 And you're not meeting it by just sitting there with shitty posture at your desk. 0.96

00:23:57.000 My doctor says sitting is the new smoking. 0.97

00:23:59.000 Yeah, a lot of people say that.

00:24:01.000 Well, that's why we're in these chairs.

00:24:03.000 These things are called capiscos.

00:24:05.000 They're from Ergo Depot.

00:24:06.000 Is this a Sibian? 0.77

00:24:07.000 No.

00:24:09.000 You would be really numb. 0.99

00:24:11.000 Then you would need a slap down there. 0.98

00:24:13.000 It's very distracting. 0.53

00:24:14.000 It makes sense.

00:24:15.000 These are forcing you to sit like this.

00:24:18.000 Have you noticed it?

00:24:20.000 I wore an underwire bra today, so that forces me to do this.

00:24:25.000 What does that do?

00:24:25.000 It pushes down?

00:24:26.000 No, it's like three harpoons.

00:24:32.000 And if you move, they sort of jam into you.

00:24:35.000 Is it a posture thing?

00:24:37.000 No, it's just like a masochism, misogynistic lingerie thing. 0.99

00:24:43.000 Is that just to make your tits perky? 1.00

00:24:44.000 Yeah, I haven't done laundry. 0.99

00:24:46.000 My cleaning lady's sick, so I'm improvising and wearing things that I wouldn't normally wear.

00:24:51.000 And I can't believe women wear this all the time, because I normally don't wear underwire. 0.94

00:24:54.000 Now, does that...

00:24:56.000 I always wanted to know this.

00:24:57.000 Do support bras actually support your breasts and keep them from starting to sag? 1.00

00:25:03.000 Yes.

00:25:04.000 That's like any part of the skin, you know, if you hold something up.

00:25:08.000 So I know a lot of women who have pendulous breasts who wear bras to sleep so that they don't, you know, because their skin's elastic. 1.00

00:25:15.000 So they don't ever fully get beaten down by gravity.

00:25:17.000 Yes.

00:25:18.000 And then you have a kid and it's...

00:25:19.000 If you go Africa style. 1.00

00:25:19.000 Right. 1.00

00:25:20.000 Yeah.

00:25:21.000 They're just...

00:25:22.000 Yeah.

00:25:22.000 There's no way around that, right?

00:25:23.000 Yeah, but this, unless you wear a support, this is just more like, I normally never wear underwire because it makes me a bad person.

00:25:31.000 Because you're in pain?

00:25:32.000 Yeah, it's just uncomfortable.

00:25:34.000 Yeah.

00:25:34.000 Irritated?

00:25:35.000 I'm used to thongs.

00:25:36.000 I've gone numb in that area.

00:25:38.000 I've just had to acquiesce to them. 0.99

00:25:40.000 Your butt crack goes numb. 0.97

00:25:42.000 But yeah, it's like if, I mean, basically. 0.81

00:25:45.000 There's a certain type of... 0.98

00:25:46.000 What the fuck is wrong with my throat today? 0.99

00:25:47.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:25:48.000 It's probably MCTO. It's MCTO. No, but I have gotten so—it's amazing, and I'm just always fascinated by—and we're seeing it, you know, I think everyone's—it's sort of a zeitgeisty word right now, normalization or desensitization.

00:26:00.000 I'm obsessed with how we acclimate, because I think it's our human instinct to acclimate to some kind of pain or lower our tolerance to deal with— Consistent pain or discomfort or whatever.

00:26:12.000 Oh, for sure.

00:26:12.000 How we sort of have this amazing ability to adapt.

00:26:16.000 And I didn't wear thongs, didn't wear thongs.

00:26:19.000 I was resisting it, resisting it.

00:26:21.000 Finally started wearing them.

00:26:22.000 They were so uncomfortable for a couple months.

00:26:24.000 And then I forgot I had one on and peed through one once.

00:26:27.000 You peed through it?

00:26:28.000 Peed through one.

00:26:28.000 I sat down.

00:26:29.000 So you sat down on the toilet.

00:26:30.000 You thought you were naked.

00:26:31.000 That's how little I felt it.

00:26:32.000 Were you on any kind of medication at this time?

00:26:34.000 You know, I should have been.

00:26:36.000 I probably should have been on antipsychotics.

00:26:38.000 I can't believe you peed through your underwear.

00:26:39.000 No, I got the super light camo ones.

00:26:43.000 Actually, Under Armour makes workout ones.

00:26:46.000 They're called camo, I think.

00:26:47.000 They're not like camouflage.

00:26:50.000 I'm not hunting in them.

00:26:52.000 Because Under Armour makes a lot of hunting gear.

00:26:52.000 Oh, okay, okay.

00:26:54.000 Oh, does it now?

00:26:55.000 Didn't know that.

00:26:56.000 They started making...

00:26:58.000 They did not ask me to be the face of that campaign.

00:27:01.000 I can't imagine why.

00:27:02.000 You could be if you wanted to try a new career.

00:27:04.000 Really?

00:27:05.000 They're always looking for women to get involved in hunting. 0.99

00:27:06.000 Oh, really?

00:27:07.000 Yeah, that's like a big thing, like pretty girls that go hunting. 0.78

00:27:10.000 Is that sexy?

00:27:13.000 I think some people think it is, but what it is is unusual.

00:27:17.000 You see these girls with full makeup on with really well applied camo on their face, so it's kind of obvious. 0.88

00:27:23.000 And then they have a dead lion next to them.

00:27:25.000 And then they take these Facebook photos and it gets really weird.

00:27:29.000 There was a girl, she was pretty famous for it because she was a cheerleader in Texas and she shot a lion. 0.99

00:27:36.000 And like Ricky Gervais and all these people went crazy and they're attacking her and it became Kendall Jenner, I think is her name.

00:27:43.000 That's a famous Kardashian.

00:27:45.000 Am I right?

00:27:47.000 No way.

00:27:48.000 It's not Kendall Jenner.

00:27:50.000 It's Kendall something or another.

00:27:51.000 I mean, that's the most endearing thing you've ever done.

00:27:54.000 I'm so out of the loop.

00:27:55.000 What's that?

00:27:56.000 Jones.

00:27:56.000 Kendall Jones.

00:27:57.000 Kendall Jones.

00:27:57.000 There it is.

00:27:58.000 Not far.

00:27:58.000 Pretty close.

00:27:59.000 Yeah, I'm so out of the loop.

00:27:59.000 Yeah.

00:28:01.000 Someone's trying to explain to me.

00:28:02.000 If you were in the Kardashian loop, I'd be concerned.

00:28:05.000 Which one's the one that had...

00:28:06.000 There it is.

00:28:07.000 There's the girl with the lion.

00:28:08.000 See?

00:28:09.000 So there's something weird about it.

00:28:11.000 Like this picture right here.

00:28:12.000 Look at this picture.

00:28:13.000 I don't want to look at it.

00:28:14.000 No, I think I've seen...

00:28:14.000 Just take a look real quick.

00:28:15.000 This will ruin my week.

00:28:17.000 Ash, you'll be fine.

00:28:18.000 My hippocampus can't...

00:28:20.000 This sexy pose with a bow and a dead lion.

00:28:24.000 Yeah.

00:28:24.000 I can't look at it.

00:28:25.000 And by the way, that lion...

00:28:27.000 Is, you know, it's lions all...

00:28:29.000 There's a weird thing about the hunting lions thing, too, because a lot of them, they're in these high fence places where they go and these lions are kind of trapped in these areas.

00:28:37.000 And sometimes they actually release the lion the day of the hunt.

00:28:40.000 So this lion had been in a cage. 0.96

00:28:42.000 Disgusting. 0.96

00:28:43.000 And then they release the lion and this woman goes out and shoots the... 1.00

00:28:45.000 I mean, I don't know if that was the case with her.

00:28:47.000 This person, a man sometimes, will go out and shoot the lion.

00:28:50.000 The lion literally has no idea what's going on.

00:28:52.000 It's not even a free-range lion.

00:28:54.000 Yes.

00:28:54.000 Yeah.

00:28:55.000 So to me, that's a mentally ill person. 0.67

00:28:58.000 But my question for you is that is there something primordial about because I think, you know, we are I think inherently and this is going to sound wrong or it's going to sound like feminist, whatever. 0.87

00:29:12.000 But like there's a lot of evidence that we're matriarchal species, not that women should have more. 1.00

00:29:19.000 Orca whales, lions, female lions do all the hunting.

00:29:23.000 It's not economical for their energy because they're so big to do the hunting.

00:29:27.000 They'd have to kill twice as much food.

00:29:28.000 They're there for protection.

00:29:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:31.000 And fucking and whatever. 1.00

00:29:33.000 So is there some sort of reptilian attraction to seeing a woman go hunt food, even though it's ironically a lion? 1.00

00:29:41.000 No, I don't think so.

00:29:43.000 Is it like watching a woman cook? 1.00

00:29:44.000 Watching a woman cook is probably sexy, but is watching them hunt the same thing? 1.00

00:29:49.000 I don't think so.

00:29:50.000 But maybe it varies.

00:29:52.000 I think it's more in line of watching a woman cage fight. 1.00

00:29:55.000 Like, there's some really pretty women that fight now. 1.00

00:29:58.000 Because I'm always sort of in this thing, and people always tell me, like, I have alpha vibe, and that's not sexy to men, or it is, or is it case by case, or is it a generalization?

00:30:09.000 I'm just always interested in it.

00:30:10.000 Well, I think what you are is powerful.

00:30:13.000 And that's what's scary to people that are insecure.

00:30:15.000 You're a go-getter.

00:30:17.000 You're constantly doing things.

00:30:19.000 I would imagine that a guy who doesn't test himself or a person who's not accomplished would be very insecure around someone who's got more ambition and more drive and more irons in the fire than they do.

00:30:33.000 So they would feel insignificant.

00:30:35.000 Which is ironic because my engine is insecurity.

00:30:38.000 That is ironic.

00:30:39.000 Yeah.

00:30:39.000 That's what fuels the fire.

00:30:41.000 Yes.

00:30:41.000 But if you were secure, would you be as ambitious or would you be exactly the same?

00:30:44.000 I don't know if I can even entertain that hypothetical because the idea of being secure is so foreign to me.

00:30:49.000 What if someone came out with a security pill?

00:30:51.000 Yep.

00:30:51.000 And you took that bad boy.

00:30:52.000 That's called cocaine.

00:30:54.000 They have that.

00:30:54.000 Does that work?

00:30:55.000 See, that's a chatterbox pill.

00:30:57.000 That's what that is.

00:30:58.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:30:59.000 That's a let's start a business even though I don't even know you.

00:31:01.000 From what I understand it.

00:31:02.000 Right?

00:31:04.000 Let's start a business!

00:31:05.000 Dude, I'm telling you, man, we need to go into business together.

00:31:07.000 I've got a good idea.

00:31:08.000 I've got an amazing idea.

00:31:09.000 There's a co-op that I'm working with.

00:31:12.000 There's a vitamin company.

00:31:13.000 There's branding out of China.

00:31:15.000 You've done an amazing job with your brand, Whitney.

00:31:15.000 Branding?

00:31:15.000 Yeah.

00:31:17.000 Thank you so much.

00:31:19.000 Your brand's amazing.

00:31:20.000 Have you ever heard someone refer to you as your brand?

00:31:22.000 Yes.

00:31:23.000 That's such a bizarre way of putting things.

00:31:26.000 You know, it's got such a pejorative weird...

00:31:28.000 But we're comics, so we have an allergy to anything corny.

00:31:32.000 We can say it, but we have to do it with an eye roll.

00:31:37.000 You have a very strong brand, but part of your brand is not being the guy who goes, me and my brand.

00:31:44.000 Part of my brand is not having a brand.

00:31:46.000 Yeah, but you do have one.

00:31:48.000 I guess.

00:31:48.000 An incredibly strong, clear one that anybody could say in one sentence, but part of it is because you're so authentic and anti- You know, conscientious, calculated marketing that the word is anathema to your brand.

00:32:05.000 Well, that's one of the big issues in the quote-unquote hunting community about a lot of these girls that are involved in this hunting. 1.00

00:32:14.000 You don't know, so I'm going to explain it to you.

00:32:16.000 There's this whole movement where these pretty girls have... 1.00

00:32:20.000 I mean, maybe some of them are...

00:32:22.000 I mean, for sure, some of them are authentic.

00:32:24.000 I don't want to discredit the ones that are authentic.

00:32:27.000 But a lot of them...

00:32:30.000 And authentic, and let me just ask you, because I really want to understand, and this is maybe a generalization about men and women, but do you think women have the DNA and the true reward system?

00:32:43.000 Are they getting dopamine from, are they inherent hunters?

00:32:48.000 The same way women like playing sports, they would love hunting. 1.00

00:32:51.000 Interesting.

00:32:52.000 Yeah.

00:32:53.000 The same way people like very challenging and difficult things that offer you a massive reward when you do it.

00:32:58.000 But sports is, there's teamwork, which gives us dopamine and adrenaline, you know.

00:33:04.000 Sort of.

00:33:08.000 That do things like make out with other guys when they're not lesbians just to get another guy's attention. 1.00

00:33:13.000 You mean make up with other girls? 0.51

00:33:14.000 I'm sorry, what did I say?

00:33:15.000 Yes.

00:33:15.000 Guys.

00:33:16.000 Make up with other girls.

00:33:17.000 Right.

00:33:17.000 Make out with other girls.

00:33:19.000 Like, are women hunting because they want to or because they feel socially protected? 0.84

00:33:24.000 I think there's both.

00:33:25.000 I mean, I think, obviously, we'd make a massive generalization if we said, women do this because that. 1.00

00:33:30.000 I hate that shit. 1.00

00:33:31.000 I hate when people say, the left does this, or the right does that, or men do this. 1.00

00:33:35.000 It gets goofy.

00:33:36.000 I've just never met someone that does it, so I have no reference.

00:33:39.000 I know a lot of them.

00:33:40.000 Women that do. 1.00

00:33:41.000 And some of them are unquestionably authentic, but some of them are unquestionably targeting social media and these specific avenues of getting famous and making a living.

00:33:53.000 And inside the hunting community, it's a very hotly debated subject about whether or not some of these women are legit, and who is legit, and who's...

00:34:02.000 And what if they're not legit?

00:34:04.000 Does it matter?

00:34:05.000 No, it doesn't matter.

00:34:06.000 Why is it different than a girl who's a fitness freak? 1.00

00:34:08.000 You know, a girl just likes doing squats. 1.00

00:34:11.000 I mean, we're designed to, if we get attention for something, our brain just keeps doing it.

00:34:16.000 There was a Vice thing about that today that I retweeted.

00:34:18.000 What?

00:34:18.000 About thirsty pictures.

00:34:20.000 Yeah!

00:34:21.000 Yeah, you mean Instagram?

00:34:22.000 Girls with bras on, why do they do that? 1.00

00:34:26.000 Because they're getting likes. 1.00

00:34:27.000 Yeah, why do they have their ass hanging out with a thong, with their legs sort of exposed in bed where they're pretending that they're sleeping? 1.00

00:34:34.000 And why are millions of people looking at them? 1.00

00:34:36.000 Yeah, because we like it.

00:34:38.000 Thirsty.

00:34:39.000 Yeah, I mean, what got us attention is what we're going to keep doing.

00:34:42.000 Hashtag thirsty.

00:34:43.000 Yeah, who is the perpetrator?

00:34:46.000 Is it the person doing it or the person enabling it?

00:34:48.000 Well, I don't want anybody to stop, because I like looking at those pictures.

00:34:52.000 Do you follow that on Instagram?

00:34:53.000 I follow a lot of hoes. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Really?

00:34:55.000 What does that do for you?

00:34:56.000 Not much.

00:34:57.000 But I follow a lot of dummies, too.

00:34:59.000 Why at 2 p.m.

00:35:00.000 do you want to...

00:35:00.000 2 p.m.?

00:35:02.000 Just specifically.

00:35:02.000 Yeah.

00:35:03.000 Right after lunch.

00:35:04.000 Yeah, just like buttholes after lunch. 0.99

00:35:07.000 Well, there's not many buttholes on Instagram.

00:35:09.000 Instagram is all...

00:35:10.000 It has to be PG-13.

00:35:12.000 Right.

00:35:13.000 But is that distracting?

00:35:15.000 Do you think it's...

00:35:15.000 Because I'm fascinated by what we put in our brain and the sort of way it wires our brain.

00:35:20.000 Does that just sort of make you exacerbate the obsession with sex?

00:35:23.000 Well, let me go over my thing right now.

00:35:25.000 Because for me, I follow, I think, more than a thousand people.

00:35:29.000 Oh, so this is not curated.

00:35:32.000 I follow 1,224 people.

00:35:35.000 So, what I try to do with my Instagram feed is have it be a cascade of humanity.

00:35:41.000 I follow people who are animal rights activists and vegans.

00:35:44.000 You want to know every angle.

00:35:45.000 I follow people who are bodybuilders.

00:35:46.000 I follow people who are... 0.99

00:35:48.000 If you looked at, like, when you do the search and the algorithm tries to find out who you are, it's fucking... 0.99

00:35:55.000 Like in chaos, I don't know what the fuck I am. 0.99

00:35:57.000 There's flowers and dead deer and guys getting head kicked and muscle cars. 1.00

00:36:02.000 It looks like I'm a fucking crazy person, which I probably am. 0.97

00:36:05.000 But what I do is I try to, if you have anything remotely interesting, I just follow you. 0.97

00:36:11.000 And then I unfollow people all the time too.

00:36:13.000 This is interesting about you because this, to me, illustrates an absence of ego.

00:36:19.000 Like, you're very like, I'm open to anything.

00:36:20.000 I just want to know how everybody thinks.

00:36:23.000 And that's so cool. 0.91

00:36:24.000 Well, I definitely have an ego, but I beat the fuck out of it.

00:36:29.000 It's interesting. 0.63

00:36:30.000 I mean, maybe it's, you know, you know more than I do, but I find that I get very threatened by things that upset me.

00:36:37.000 Like, you just saw that?

00:36:38.000 Like, this is gonna, my whole day is gonna be dedicated to, like, obsessing about, you know?

00:36:43.000 So I think I'm doing something that's kind of under the guise of self-protection or boundaries, but I actually end up robbing myself a little bit by, like, I went through that discovery page, and there's photos that I don't want to see, because I do a lot of, like, dog rescue, and then you end up getting a lot of, Seeing beheaded dogs,

00:37:00.000 and the Chinese dog, and I don't want to see it. 0.75

00:37:03.000 I'm too hypervigilant, and I'm just too, like, I have, you know, trauma survivors, we don't have the same ability to calm ourselves down, and so it just will, the aftermath is just too much for me, so I went in, and on the discovery page, you can put,

00:37:19.000 see less photos like this, so I'm now narrowing my sort of...

00:37:24.000 This is my new puppy eating broccoli.

00:37:26.000 Money!

00:37:26.000 I thought you were going to throw me out.

00:37:28.000 What's his name?

00:37:31.000 That's Marshall.

00:37:32.000 Marshall!

00:37:33.000 He's a golden retriever.

00:37:35.000 He's the sweetest.

00:37:37.000 Best security system you will ever have.

00:37:39.000 This guy.

00:37:40.000 For dogs?

00:37:40.000 I mean, for barking?

00:37:41.000 Just having dogs.

00:37:42.000 Yeah.

00:37:42.000 I had someone break into my house.

00:37:45.000 Is that your first dog?

00:37:46.000 This is like you.

00:37:46.000 No.

00:37:47.000 I have a ton of dogs.

00:37:48.000 Yeah.

00:37:49.000 Well, I have three now.

00:37:50.000 I feel like I know so much about you, but I know nothing about you.

00:37:54.000 But I had this guy, this security guy, come to my house and he said the best security system is putting chimes on all of your doorknobs because people that break in, they expect an alarm and then they know they have like three minutes or something.

00:38:08.000 But if they open a doorknob and there's some dreamcatcher making a bunch of noise, they freak out.

00:38:14.000 Jingle bells.

00:38:15.000 And then a dog.

00:38:16.000 Dogs are good.

00:38:18.000 And you've got big dogs, too.

00:38:19.000 I have pit bulls, yeah. 0.97

00:38:20.000 That's a good move, for sure.

00:38:22.000 Yeah, they've taught me a lot.

00:38:23.000 For me, the thing with me is that I'm not the same functional mental acumen that you have.

00:38:32.000 And all the work that I do to try to rewire my brain, it's very hard to practice.

00:38:37.000 In the problem, you know, it's very hard to practice, you know, without something where the ramifications aren't going to be huge.

00:38:44.000 Like practicing on people is just sort of, you know, if people are so triggering that it's hard to get out of the fight or flight sort of fear mindset if you're with the very kind of person that triggers you.

00:38:55.000 So animals are a great way for me to work on the things that I'm working on.

00:39:00.000 How do people trigger you?

00:39:01.000 Like in what way?

00:39:02.000 I have sort of like, just because of how I grew up, I grew up in an alcoholic home.

00:39:08.000 And anyone that has like an authority sort of vibe, my brain, and we all, I think, tend to kind of do this if we're not like checking ourselves in our conscious mind.

00:39:18.000 We recreate our childhood circumstances.

00:39:21.000 So I sometimes...

00:39:22.000 I'm just trying to make sure I don't go through my life where everybody's a projection of what happened to me.

00:39:28.000 Just sort of being in this moment instead of this network executive is my dad and this, you know, the guy that runs this comedy club is my mom.

00:39:37.000 You know, we sort of...

00:39:38.000 Our brains go, I know what this is.

00:39:41.000 And then we start doing our old behaviors, our, you know, the sort of...

00:39:46.000 You know, protection mechanisms that we developed.

00:39:49.000 And horses are actually helping me the most with it, but dogs help too.

00:39:53.000 Wow.

00:39:54.000 You know, for me, it doesn't really happen anymore, but when I was younger, places and people that I knew when I was a loser would make me feel like I was a loser again.

00:40:04.000 Of course, you just time travel back, and all of a sudden you're eight years old. 0.75

00:40:07.000 I'm still a loser. 0.99

00:40:08.000 I gotta get away from you! 0.98

00:40:09.000 I mean, it's just, it's so...

00:40:11.000 And I'm working on, you know, I think there's a lot of advantages to being hypersensitive.

00:40:15.000 I think that's probably what we're good at, what we do for a living.

00:40:17.000 We have to be sensitive.

00:40:17.000 We make observations.

00:40:18.000 We, comedians, the idea is to see things that no one else sees.

00:40:22.000 But I find myself struggling a lot as I, you know, do what I do for a living when I deal with ostensible authority figures, recreating my childhood circumstances.

00:40:32.000 And I also had, and I'm interested in your opinion or view on this, is...

00:40:38.000 I mean, I have a very real addiction to adrenaline.

00:40:40.000 And it doesn't manifest in, you know, MMA or the kind of adrenaline that you experience and see.

00:40:47.000 But I had epigenetic imprinting, like, which is when in the womb, your mom has a lot of stress, cortisol and adrenaline, the baby gets addicted to it.

00:40:56.000 So just like crack or anything, we can be addicted to neurochemicals.

00:40:59.000 So from a very early age, I had a really high tolerance for adrenaline.

00:41:04.000 And I find myself or found myself not so much anymore, like, How do they prove that that's what happens to the child?

00:41:17.000 Because I would assume that how much of it would just be genetic and how much of it would be circumstantial and how do you prove that while this woman's under stress in the womb because I think you would have to because one thing you realize when you do have children is that every kid is different But every pregnancy is probably different.

00:41:35.000 Because the first one, the mom is probably like, I've never done this before.

00:41:35.000 I'm sure.

00:41:38.000 The second one, they're like, I got this. 0.99

00:41:40.000 By the third one, they don't even give a shit. 0.99

00:41:43.000 They hardly... 0.99

00:41:44.000 You and the MCT. They just drink some MCT and knock it out.

00:41:49.000 Lube up the box, push it out, just give it a slap. 1.00

00:41:54.000 Send it on its way.

00:41:58.000 Dad of the year, Joe Rogan. 0.99

00:42:00.000 Hashtag Stop the Pussy. 1.00

00:42:01.000 I know exactly! 0.98

00:42:02.000 Yeah, I just, I think that there's most certainly got to be some way that nature prepares the human for the circumstances it's going to face as a child.

00:42:14.000 Totally.

00:42:15.000 Michael Irvin was the first one to explain this to me.

00:42:17.000 You know the football player?

00:42:17.000 I tried.

00:42:18.000 I try to stay away from football players.

00:42:20.000 He's a super nice guy.

00:42:21.000 I'm joking.

00:42:22.000 But he and I were on a flight once, just randomly, to Australia.

00:42:26.000 It's one of those crazy 14-hour flights, you know?

00:42:28.000 And we talked for a long time about this.

00:42:30.000 Because he's a big UFC fan.

00:42:32.000 We just started talking about people that grow up in bad neighborhoods and children that grow up in abusive households.

00:42:38.000 That you develop this penchant for violence.

00:42:41.000 Like very early on.

00:42:42.000 Like an addiction to violence.

00:42:45.000 And then also he was saying that their trigger is so much...

00:42:49.000 Like their wick, their fuse is so much shorter than the average person.

00:42:53.000 It's just like you have to be prepared easily.

00:42:56.000 Right away, you gotta be prepared to go crazy.

00:42:56.000 Like...

00:42:58.000 Whereas someone who grows up in a really happy, healthy environment where mom's on Xanax, everybody's fine.

00:43:04.000 And then you can't get going.

00:43:07.000 So I wonder what's better.

00:43:08.000 Is it better to be hypersensitive and hyper-fueled and always ready to sprint and then figure out how to calm yourself?

00:43:17.000 Or is it better to be just some dough ball with no instincts at all that has to toughen up?

00:43:24.000 I mean, I think that the answer is probably somewhere in between, and the idea is to be able to react to the circumstances you're in in an appropriate way.

00:43:31.000 So if you're in a dangerous situation, to be able to go zero to 60 and defend yourself.

00:43:36.000 But if you're not in a dangerous situation, to know that and to stop shadowboxing in a safe situation.

00:43:42.000 So for me, I found myself, I grew up in a dangerous situation.

00:43:45.000 I was always at war.

00:43:47.000 The war was over, and I continued to fight a war that wasn't happening.

00:43:51.000 You're like one of those guys that was in World War II and they find him on some island outside of Japan and he doesn't know the war's over.

00:43:56.000 Just like covered in armor, you know.

00:43:59.000 I read about this guy that was on an island.

00:44:02.000 He was on an island.

00:44:03.000 He didn't know the war was over.

00:44:04.000 He's a Japanese guy.

00:44:05.000 Wow.

00:44:06.000 He didn't know the war was over for 30 years.

00:44:08.000 Yeah.

00:44:08.000 He was literally Tom Hanks-ing it on this island.

00:44:11.000 Wow.

00:44:12.000 Maybe 20 years.

00:44:13.000 That's unbelievable.

00:44:13.000 30 or 20. I think it was 30. That's how a lot of people that grow up in dysfunctional homes sort of live.

00:44:18.000 And I'm done taking it out on employees, employers, boyfriends, friends.

00:44:24.000 It's not fair to them.

00:44:25.000 You know, one of the first things I heard in the 12-step program I'm in is this guy said, he was leading the meeting, he was like, the war is over, you lost.

00:44:36.000 Which is just so great.

00:44:38.000 You know, it's like time to put the weapons down and start living.

00:44:43.000 It's really just being appropriate.

00:44:44.000 So if you and I, you know, are in a relationship and you're like, hey, I got to step out and go do my podcast and I start feeling abandoned and scared, that has nothing to do with you.

00:44:54.000 That gets weird.

00:44:55.000 It's not fair to you.

00:44:56.000 I've had friends like that before.

00:44:57.000 Yeah, or relationships or whatever.

00:44:59.000 It's like, I'm going to react to the present moment instead of what happened to me 20 years ago.

00:45:02.000 I don't want to be a puppet of my parents' failures.

00:45:05.000 And I'm just trying to figure out a way.

00:45:06.000 So there are situations where you might have to go zero to 60 and fight for yourself, but knowing when those situations are actually happening and when they're not.

00:45:14.000 Yeah, I feel like it's better to be able to go zero to 60 really quick.

00:45:19.000 Yeah.

00:45:19.000 And just manage it.

00:45:20.000 And I know I can do that.

00:45:22.000 But in a conference room with three executives is not the time.

00:45:27.000 Right.

00:45:28.000 In my mind, it's never the time to be in a conference room with three executives.

00:45:33.000 That's true.

00:45:33.000 When I'm there, I'm like, okay, let's get out of here.

00:45:35.000 Let's go.

00:45:36.000 This is all fake talk.

00:45:37.000 But there's something.

00:45:38.000 What is that?

00:45:39.000 Is it because you're not getting adrenaline?

00:45:42.000 I'm scared to ever be them.

00:45:43.000 I'm scared to ever be locked into some cubicle existence.

00:45:46.000 But you know on a conscious level you never will be.

00:45:48.000 I know on a conscious level I'll never be there, but I know they are.

00:45:50.000 So is it an irrational fear?

00:45:51.000 I'm around people that are dying of syphilis.

00:45:53.000 They're right there.

00:45:54.000 They're rotting away.

00:45:55.000 They've got some Ebola or something.

00:45:58.000 They've got some economic Ebola.

00:46:01.000 In our field, that's just called a law school degree.

00:46:05.000 There was a guy that used to live next door to me, and I used to call him Bling Bling, because all Bling Bling would do is talk about stuff.

00:46:13.000 That's all he could ever talk about.

00:46:14.000 Like, all this guy would do is talk about objects and new cars and new things and I got a new watch.

00:46:19.000 That's threatening to you in some way. 0.98

00:46:20.000 No, he was retarded. 1.00

00:46:22.000 It's just boring. 0.96

00:46:22.000 It's boring. 0.96

00:46:23.000 So it's a lack of adrenaline.

00:46:24.000 Well, I knew that he was trapped.

00:46:25.000 And this guy was working, I think he was an attorney, I forget what he did, but all he was doing was working towards objects, getting new objects.

00:46:33.000 He had a nice house.

00:46:34.000 Stuff.

00:46:34.000 He had a nice car, but he always wanted to talk about cars and objects and stuff.

00:46:38.000 Sounds like he's in a lot of pain. 0.99

00:46:39.000 Well, you left his wife and then shit got real crazy. 1.00

00:46:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:42.000 He was trying to get internal needs met with external things.

00:46:44.000 He was also probably trying to bond with you and he thought that was how.

00:46:47.000 Maybe.

00:46:48.000 That probably makes sense.

00:46:49.000 He was probably just like, cars?

00:46:50.000 Hit a yellow viper.

00:46:52.000 Oh, that is depressing.

00:46:52.000 Like me, like me, like me.

00:46:54.000 Is he Persian?

00:46:55.000 No, I don't think so.

00:46:56.000 Who is this man?

00:46:57.000 I think he's Jewish.

00:46:58.000 Is he single?

00:46:58.000 He sounds awesome.

00:46:59.000 Yeah, he's a good guy.

00:47:00.000 He's got a gut, but whatever.

00:47:01.000 You work that off.

00:47:02.000 He's a fixer-upper.

00:47:03.000 Yeah, I'll give him this Zevia.

00:47:05.000 I have some leftover from the 90s.

00:47:05.000 Get him on some Fen-Fen.

00:47:07.000 I'm just going to give him some of that MCT oil and he'll shit his belly out. 0.97

00:47:10.000 Do you remember Fen-Fen? 0.78

00:47:11.000 Were you around during the Fen-Fen days? 0.92

00:47:12.000 What's Fen-Fen? 0.98

00:47:13.000 Fen-Fen was some crazy shit that they were giving girls in the 1990s. 0.98

00:47:17.000 There was this one girl that I knew, and she was a very cute girl. 0.99

00:47:20.000 She had a beautiful face, but she had a food problem, you know, whatever the area is. 1.00

00:47:24.000 And she didn't weigh a lot.

00:47:25.000 I mean, she wasn't giant, but she was probably 5'2", 150 pounds. 1.00

00:47:32.000 I'm not a mathlete, but I think I know where you're going.

00:47:35.000 Yeah, she was thick, but not in the right way. 0.84

00:47:38.000 I got it.

00:47:38.000 Not in the right way.

00:47:39.000 Disapportionate.

00:47:40.000 She ate too much.

00:47:41.000 Got it.

00:47:41.000 She had a thick, wide belt.

00:47:42.000 Anyway, I didn't see her for a long time, and then I saw her, and she weighed 100 pounds. 0.91

00:47:49.000 I mean, literally.

00:47:50.000 She lost 50 pounds.

00:47:51.000 She was normal-sized.

00:47:53.000 I mean, not normal-sized.

00:47:54.000 Well, in America, that's not normal.

00:47:56.000 She was thin and attractive. 1.00

00:47:58.000 I was like, what the fuck did you do? 1.00

00:48:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:48:01.000 And she's like, oh, my doctor got me on fen-fen. 0.99

00:48:03.000 And I was like, oh, okay.

00:48:05.000 Phenylethyl?

00:48:06.000 I do not remember what the actual name of the...

00:48:09.000 Because phenylethylamine is an adrenaline chemical.

00:48:11.000 Is it like an Adderall?

00:48:13.000 It's totally illegal now.

00:48:15.000 And people died.

00:48:16.000 A lot of people died.

00:48:17.000 Here it is.

00:48:18.000 Oh, F-E-N, not P-H-E-N. Fenfluramine, fentermine.

00:48:23.000 I remember when like diet pills, like Dexatrim came out, which I definitely took when I was like 12. But what is that, just like caffeine or something?

00:48:34.000 No, this is way harder than caffeine.

00:48:35.000 Go to lasting damage from fenfen.

00:48:37.000 By the way, this is...

00:48:39.000 There's a lot of people that are on Adderall now.

00:48:41.000 Yes.

00:48:42.000 And I'm not telling anybody to not be on Adderall, but I want you to listen to me.

00:48:46.000 Everybody who's on Adderall, everybody who's doctor told you you need to be on Adderall, you are on amphetamines.

00:48:53.000 You are on speed.

00:48:53.000 Yes.

00:48:54.000 Do not get it twisted.

00:48:56.000 Don't get it twisted.

00:48:57.000 And, you know, if you're taking, especially if you're taking it every day or three or four times a week.

00:49:01.000 Then you're just going to develop a tolerance to it and then that just becomes an addiction.

00:49:04.000 You're on speed, folks.

00:49:05.000 And you might be okay with speed.

00:49:07.000 Look, you're talking to a guy who just squirted a bunch of MCT oil and some coffee.

00:49:10.000 That's naturally occurring.

00:49:12.000 I mean, look, I have addiction in my DNA. If you know you don't, I mean, I would just explore that.

00:49:19.000 And also, I'm trying to look at not the things I can add, but the things I can subtract.

00:49:24.000 So instead of taking Adderall, why don't I just stop eating sugar and see what happens?

00:49:24.000 That's a good move.

00:49:29.000 Maybe there's some beneficial aspects of Adderall to some people.

00:49:34.000 I'm willing to go there. 0.99

00:49:36.000 But you've got to understand, I know so many moms that are on fucking Adderall. 1.00

00:49:40.000 There's so many of them. 0.99

00:49:40.000 That's shocking. 0.99

00:49:41.000 And they're around you and they're all like peppy.

00:49:44.000 Well, it's so fascinating to me because the people I know who take the...

00:49:47.000 They're like, can't stop moving.

00:49:51.000 No, but everyone I know is complaining about anxiety, which I'm sort of fascinated by because I think that's kind of like...

00:49:57.000 You know, survival of the fittest.

00:49:58.000 We are the fittest.

00:49:59.000 And the most anxious won.

00:50:00.000 Because the most anxious people and tribes were the ones that survived because they knew lions were, you know.

00:50:06.000 I had to explain that to my daughter because my daughter was worried about some things.

00:50:10.000 And she was asking me some questions and she was worried about stuff.

00:50:13.000 And I said, do you know why you're worried about these things?

00:50:16.000 And I go, it's a good thing.

00:50:17.000 It's because you're smart and you're aware of danger and you're aware of the variables.

00:50:21.000 Yeah.

00:50:22.000 I go, you're going to be fine.

00:50:23.000 I go, but I'm like that too.

00:50:24.000 But I've just figured out how to manage it.

00:50:26.000 So I had to kind of explain it to her.

00:50:28.000 I'm like, you're just a smart little girl. 1.00

00:50:30.000 And you're aware, like, hey, there's a lot of fucking idiots out here. 1.00

00:50:34.000 And some of them are on there. 1.00

00:50:35.000 Like, she freaks out when she sees people texting and driving.

00:50:38.000 She's like, Dad, he's not looking at his car.

00:50:41.000 It kills more people than drunk driving now.

00:50:42.000 She's right to be, you know.

00:50:45.000 It's just being anxious about that instead of something you can't control.

00:50:48.000 Well, then the little brain starts going, you know, she's eight.

00:50:50.000 How do you stop people from doing that?

00:50:54.000 What if they do that and what if they hit our car?

00:50:55.000 What if they hit somebody else's car and what happens then?

00:50:57.000 Her and I are the same person.

00:50:58.000 Yeah.

00:51:00.000 And, you know, that makes adrenaline, which makes dopamine, and, you know, it sort of becomes a self-filling prophecy.

00:51:05.000 Our brains evolved to make anxiety feel good on some level, and it makes us feel safe.

00:51:10.000 So a lot of these crazy women that are the moms that she goes to school with, or her kids go to school with, Her friends, rather. 1.00

00:51:17.000 Their moms. 1.00

00:51:17.000 They're on fucking Xanax, too. 1.00

00:51:19.000 So they're on Xanax and they're on amphetamines. 0.99

00:51:22.000 So delete both and you're at the same place.

00:51:25.000 This is the way to do it.

00:51:25.000 But they want to stay...

00:51:27.000 This is the way.

00:51:28.000 You have to be on Xanax.

00:51:28.000 Stay happy.

00:51:30.000 Because Xanax keeps you from being scared.

00:51:34.000 And then Adderall keeps you peppy.

00:51:37.000 I get everything organized.

00:51:39.000 I'm so organized.

00:51:40.000 If you can afford, time-wise and financially, to go to the appointment to get Xanax and Adderall, you have no actual problems.

00:51:48.000 No.

00:51:49.000 See, the thing is, they all want to go to doctors.

00:51:51.000 They go to doctors constantly.

00:51:53.000 Because you get this idea in your head that you're going to find this guy, and he's got a good job, and you're going to live in a nice community, and you're going to have children, and then you're going to be happy.

00:52:02.000 Sounds like my nightmare.

00:52:03.000 You realize, like, oh, well, you're just breeding.

00:52:05.000 And then, you know, you have to find fulfillment in your actual existence.

00:52:09.000 Your day-to-day, here and now.

00:52:11.000 The moment, like this, the moment.

00:52:13.000 You have to find fulfillment in that.

00:52:13.000 Like, right now.

00:52:15.000 And it's not going to be in, like, Bling Bling's idea, where you get, like, I've got a boat now.

00:52:19.000 Look at my boat. 0.98

00:52:20.000 Now I've got a fucking this. 0.99

00:52:21.000 And I've got, look at my new watch. 0.99

00:52:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:24.000 No, it doesn't work.

00:52:24.000 Doesn't work.

00:52:25.000 And you keep trying to fill that hole up, and it never gets filled.

00:52:28.000 No.

00:52:28.000 So these women start going to the doctor.

00:52:30.000 I've got anxiety.

00:52:31.000 And the doctor's like...

00:52:32.000 Here, take this.

00:52:34.000 Anxiety is like opposable thumbs.

00:52:37.000 It's been very effective and useful in our history.

00:52:40.000 It's like this is the first time in our history that anxiety is not particularly useful because we have doors and locks and, you know, but yeah, there's an interesting...

00:52:51.000 I hear entitlement when I hear about that.

00:52:53.000 And look, I've definitely been like, I'm doing a show and I have to write a script and I'm going to take an...

00:52:57.000 I've definitely cheated and cut corners.

00:52:59.000 I'm not...

00:52:59.000 How's that, cheat and cut corners?

00:53:01.000 I just mean when I'm like...

00:53:02.000 I have to finish a script in four hours.

00:53:04.000 I'm gonna take a half at Adderall.

00:53:06.000 I've definitely done it, but I know I have addiction in my DNA, and I know that could get real ugly real fast.

00:53:10.000 I've never done Adderall.

00:53:11.000 What is it like?

00:53:13.000 Here's my experience.

00:53:14.000 I'm sure it's different with everybody.

00:53:15.000 My experience with Adderall is what I'm...

00:53:21.000 I'm not easily distracted.

00:53:22.000 I don't like when people diagnose themselves, I have ADD, I have OCD. It's like, if you had any of those things, you wouldn't be able to sit on a podcast for an hour and say it.

00:53:30.000 We'll get to that in a minute, but go ahead.

00:53:32.000 No, what it does for me, and again, it could be a placebo effect.

00:53:35.000 So many of these things that we take, maybe with the exception of amphetamines, but certainly antidepressants and stuff, is taking it is part of why it works.

00:53:43.000 Just the act of putting it in your mouth and swallowing it.

00:53:46.000 Right.

00:53:46.000 I think placebo effect is something like 58% or something.

00:53:49.000 Correct me on that because I'm probably wrong, please.

00:53:53.000 So for me, I find if I'm at my computer, because all these devices are all addictive too.

00:53:58.000 The color, the cortisol, the adrenaline.

00:53:59.000 So if I've got this device in front of me, I've got my computer and I'm writing, writing, writing, and this dings and I'm here and then I'm on Instagram and then there's a link and then all of a sudden I'm reading about the apocalypse.

00:54:07.000 Apocalypse.

00:54:08.000 Better check my email.

00:54:09.000 It might be important.

00:54:09.000 Exactly.

00:54:10.000 And then I'm in a fucking email thing with it's totally a net. 0.99

00:54:13.000 Ha ha. 0.98

00:54:14.000 Love you too.

00:54:15.000 See you soon.

00:54:16.000 See you soon.

00:54:16.000 And then I just can't end of an exchange.

00:54:19.000 And basically, when I've taken Adderall in the past, I just do one thing with more enthusiasm and it is less appealing to me to go do other things.

00:54:27.000 The other day I put my phone down to work out.

00:54:29.000 It worked out for an hour and a half.

00:54:30.000 I got done.

00:54:31.000 I had 37 texts.

00:54:32.000 It's too many.

00:54:33.000 But they were probably all from me and Nick Swartzen.

00:54:37.000 And Chris D'Elia.

00:54:38.000 There's one thread that Whitney and Nick Swartzen and Chris D'Elia, and we can't talk too much about this, but there's one thread.

00:54:45.000 You realize that we also have our own thread without you when we worry we're bothering you too much?

00:54:50.000 Why are you bothering me?

00:54:52.000 So that's not even all of our exchanges all day.

00:54:54.000 Why are you bothering me?

00:54:54.000 Well, because you'll respond, but then you won't respond for like two days.

00:54:57.000 Oh, you're like, oh, he's too busy.

00:54:59.000 And we're like, Joe's an adult.

00:55:00.000 He has a family.

00:55:02.000 If his wife sees that he has 40 missed texts at midnight, this is bad for his marriage.

00:55:08.000 She does ask me.

00:55:09.000 I'm sure she does!

00:55:10.000 Sometimes we're watching TV and she's like, who's texting you?

00:55:12.000 I'm a comedian!

00:55:14.000 But it's like, why did Whitney just send you 40 texts?

00:55:16.000 Well, she also sent it to two other guys.

00:55:18.000 She's ruining everyone's relationship. 1.00

00:55:20.000 It's not a jealousy issue, but it is a...

00:55:22.000 It's like, we're a family.

00:55:24.000 This is family time.

00:55:25.000 She's not wrong. 0.92

00:55:26.000 And she also... 1.00

00:55:27.000 There's something interesting about sort of being on your phone with kids is the new being drunk on your phone.

00:55:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:31.000 Because kids look at you and they think, oh, that device is more important than me.

00:55:36.000 Oh. 1.00

00:55:36.000 I must be a real piece of shit if daddy would rather look at that or mommy or whatever. 1.00

00:55:40.000 Yeah, there's an interesting that like cell phone uses the new alcoholism. 1.00

00:55:43.000 My little kid got a hold of Snapchat recently.

00:55:46.000 No.

00:55:46.000 She's been doing these Snapchat videos.

00:55:48.000 They're fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:55:50.000 She's a star. 1.00

00:55:51.000 My six-year-old is hilarious.

00:55:53.000 She uses the filters so you don't see it's her, but she was Abraham Lincoln yesterday and then she became an evil snowball. 1.00

00:56:00.000 Love it. 1.00

00:56:00.000 She's a little fucking character. 1.00

00:56:02.000 But she doesn't post them? 1.00

00:56:03.000 No, no, no. 0.97

00:56:04.000 She just leaves them on my phone and sometimes I put them up on Instagram because they're so ridiculous. 0.75

00:56:09.000 That's so cute.

00:56:10.000 Yesterday I started doing it.

00:56:11.000 I mean, that's a slippery slope.

00:56:12.000 It's a slippery slope because they get addicted to those little things.

00:56:16.000 Yeah, and it all makes, you know, adrenaline.

00:56:18.000 So going back to what you were saying, I don't think you're cheating because you take a half an Adderall to work on a script.

00:56:24.000 It's no different than me drinking coffee or smoking pot.

00:56:28.000 I smoke a lot of pot.

00:56:29.000 So if I smoke pot and write, did I cheat to write?

00:56:32.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:56:33.000 Nope.

00:56:33.000 I think it's just knowing, I mean, you said this earlier, like, knowing who you are and what your limitations are and what actually works for you and what starts being, you know, diminishing returns.

00:56:43.000 Like, I know if I smoke pot every night, it's not going to be as effective for me and I'm going to be groggy.

00:56:48.000 Like, I just, I have some restraint about it and some discipline.

00:56:51.000 Not on New Year's Eve.

00:56:52.000 That was different.

00:56:53.000 She sent me a picture from New Year's Eve where she looks, you look like someone sprayed you with a mist of sweat.

00:57:00.000 I was literally...

00:57:01.000 So I had a...

00:57:03.000 And I'll tell you about this next time I come on, because I am writing about it in a book, and it's a long story.

00:57:08.000 But I had a surgery, and I don't do well on painkillers by some miracle, because genetically, my family loves painkillers, but I, for some reason, they make me really nauseous.

00:57:20.000 And I was smoking weed instead, but I was also, like, I don't know what your take on this is, but my lungs were, I was like, getting out of breath.

00:57:20.000 So...

00:57:29.000 And I was like, let me just do these edible things.

00:57:31.000 Really?

00:57:31.000 Yeah, because I was just like, I was in like a spin class or something, which sometimes I do just for like anger management.

00:57:38.000 And... 0.99

00:57:39.000 I picture you fucking gritting your teeth. 1.00

00:57:42.000 Cracking your enamel. 1.00

00:57:44.000 It's like just going, just slamming my vagina against... 1.00

00:57:47.000 In between recessions. 1.00

00:57:49.000 I do like being, yeah, just totally, like, it's really hard on the lady bits that's spinning.

00:57:55.000 I can't do it too much.

00:57:56.000 I heard it's rough, right?

00:57:57.000 Yeah, they slam it back.

00:57:58.000 It's a hard seat, and you're slamming and tapping it back, but there is this one class that I really like, and I like the instructor, and I just kind of cry and release anger and stuff, and it's painful, and I'm...

00:57:58.000 It's a hard seat.

00:58:08.000 Yeah.

00:58:08.000 You cry?

00:58:09.000 Once you're sweaty, like, I can get away with a cry here?

00:58:11.000 Usually, it's like, it's...

00:58:12.000 Yes, because there's something about, for me, when I feel a certain amount of emotional pain, it just, like, opens up some kind of...

00:58:18.000 Well of sadness that if I didn't cry it out, it's going to come out as anger another time, so I'd rather just release it in a healthy, private way and pay $38 in class.

00:58:29.000 It's $38 a class?

00:58:31.000 Yeah, I think SoulCycle's like $38.

00:58:33.000 If you do it one at a time.

00:58:33.000 Really?

00:58:34.000 I do it in a package, so it's less.

00:58:36.000 That seems super expensive to ride a bike.

00:58:38.000 It is.

00:58:38.000 It's a bunch of rich publicists.

00:58:42.000 Pretending they have a problem.

00:58:42.000 I was in Aspen, and it was during the winter, and they opened up a SoulCycle.

00:58:46.000 I was just in Aspen.

00:58:47.000 Yes, we're like soulmates.

00:58:47.000 Crazy.

00:58:49.000 I was at the, not Throckmorton Theater.

00:58:49.000 I love it up there.

00:58:53.000 The Little Nell.

00:58:54.000 Yeah, that's where I stayed.

00:58:55.000 That's where I stayed.

00:58:55.000 I was there two nights ago.

00:58:56.000 Oh my god.

00:58:58.000 They have a festival there again now.

00:58:59.000 Oh, do they?

00:59:00.000 A comedy festival?

00:59:00.000 Yeah.

00:59:01.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:59:01.000 Yeah, it was me and Nealon and Margaret. 1.00

00:59:03.000 When did they start doing that again?

00:59:04.000 I think this is the first year.

00:59:06.000 It was, what's the theater?

00:59:06.000 The Wheeler.

00:59:07.000 The Wheeler Opera House.

00:59:07.000 I used to do it.

00:59:08.000 Yeah, I used to do it.

00:59:09.000 Two nights ago.

00:59:09.000 Yeah, I used to do it.

00:59:10.000 I used to do that.

00:59:11.000 I was sick the entire time.

00:59:12.000 It's hard with that oxygen up there.

00:59:14.000 It's like 8,000 feet above sea level or 7,000 feet.

00:59:17.000 It can't be healthy.

00:59:18.000 Well, I think it is eventually, but not originally.

00:59:21.000 Not initially.

00:59:22.000 But what was my point?

00:59:22.000 Yeah.

00:59:25.000 You were in Aspen.

00:59:26.000 Yeah.

00:59:26.000 And we...

00:59:28.000 SoulCycle!

00:59:29.000 SoulCycle!

00:59:29.000 You were spinning to not spin in Aspen.

00:59:31.000 I didn't spin.

00:59:32.000 The best shape I've ever been in was when I was in Aspen for like a week and I worked out every day.

00:59:35.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

00:59:37.000 Well, that's why fighters go up to Big Bear.

00:59:38.000 And train, right.

00:59:39.000 And like Steamboat Springs, maybe, or Utah.

00:59:39.000 Yeah.

00:59:42.000 Anywhere it's above.

00:59:43.000 In Colorado, they all do it.

00:59:45.000 Denver, there's a Team Elevate that competes up there.

00:59:48.000 Right.

00:59:49.000 Is it twice as much?

00:59:50.000 Like if you work out 20 minutes, does that equal the 40 minutes?

00:59:53.000 It's not that it equals.

00:59:54.000 Honestly, the way they think you're supposed to do it now, they think you're supposed to actually train at sea level and then sleep and live at altitude.

01:00:04.000 So if you could live at the base of Big Bear and then drive up to Big Bear to get your workouts in and then drive down to live and sleep.

01:00:11.000 Because the idea is, or the opposite, yeah, drive down to get your workouts and drive back up to live and sleep.

01:00:15.000 Because they think that you get more work output in sea level.

01:00:20.000 Because you're not going to tire.

01:00:22.000 But then your body recovers and you acclimate to having a higher threshold.

01:00:22.000 Exactly.

01:00:27.000 You develop more red blood cells, the whole deal.

01:00:29.000 But anyway, they had spin classes up there, SoulCycle, and they only opened it up for like a month.

01:00:36.000 They just rented a place for a month for SoulCycle during peak ski season.

01:00:41.000 Oh, like a, what is it called?

01:00:44.000 When a store just opens for a month, like a pop-up.

01:00:46.000 Like, you know how they do those Halloween stores when a place closes down?

01:00:49.000 Yes, yes.

01:00:50.000 Yeah, or like a Christmas store. 0.99

01:00:51.000 They just brought in a bunch of fucking cycles and set up a soul cycle. 0.99

01:00:54.000 I mean, they might have been doing it to test the waters. 1.00

01:00:57.000 Because Aspen has so much fucking money. 1.00

01:00:59.000 It's so crazy. 1.00

01:01:00.000 Every other car is a Range Rover.

01:01:02.000 It's really just rich alcoholics.

01:01:02.000 I was shocked.

01:01:04.000 It is a lot of rich boozers.

01:01:06.000 It was just like people in minks drinking Makers at 2 p.m.

01:01:10.000 I was shocked because my flight got canceled and I had to stay for the day. 0.95

01:01:12.000 If I was a high-end hooker, that's where I would go. 1.00

01:01:15.000 When I am a high-end hooker, that's where I'm going. 1.00

01:01:17.000 SoulCycle Aspen's pop-up.

01:01:18.000 There it is.

01:01:19.000 Let's you spin in 8,000 feet.

01:01:20.000 Is that what it is?

01:01:21.000 They call it a pop-up?

01:01:22.000 That's what it is?

01:01:22.000 Yeah.

01:01:22.000 I don't know your take on spinning.

01:01:25.000 My chiropractor says he is going to retire on the money that he gets from spinning injuries.

01:01:30.000 He's literally like, people doing yoga and spinning is how I pay my bills.

01:01:35.000 Well, a lot of people do it improperly and mess up their shoulders real bad and their lower backs.

01:01:40.000 Doing all those downward dogs. 1.00

01:01:42.000 If you mess up your shoulders from yoga, jump off a fucking building. 1.00

01:01:45.000 Seriously, you pussy. 1.00

01:01:47.000 You know that I broke my shoulder. 1.00

01:01:48.000 That's what takes you out.

01:01:48.000 How'd you break your shoulder?

01:01:49.000 Not playing.

01:01:50.000 Downward dog.

01:01:51.000 Trying to snowboard.

01:01:52.000 Yeah, doing yoga. 1.00

01:01:53.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:01:53.000 Well, snowboarding makes sense. 0.99

01:01:54.000 Yeah, no.

01:01:55.000 It's more like people want to do yoga forever.

01:02:07.000 Yeah.

01:02:09.000 Yeah.

01:02:21.000 Unless you have a one-on-one instructor.

01:02:23.000 I do Bikram's hot yoga.

01:02:25.000 Just to stretch.

01:02:25.000 I do it for my stretching, flexibility, my spine in particular.

01:02:29.000 Spine strengthening.

01:02:30.000 But you don't go to yoga to get glutes.

01:02:33.000 No.

01:02:34.000 You do it to stretch.

01:02:35.000 I think you've got to balance even that.

01:02:38.000 Pick a lane.

01:02:39.000 You don't get both.

01:02:40.000 I think you've got to be real careful with those combinatory type movements.

01:02:45.000 Yeah, so for me, spinning is really just to get out anger and push myself.

01:02:51.000 Even CrossFit.

01:02:52.000 I think CrossFit can be very dangerous because there's a lot of people that do CrossFit and they don't really have perfect technique and they do it to failure and you're doing these incredibly high repetitions of power moves.

01:03:03.000 Right.

01:03:04.000 You know, like, which Steve Maxwell, who's a real world-famous strength and conditioning coach, he's like, that's, he's like power moves, like cleans and presses.

01:03:12.000 You're supposed to do low repetition for them.

01:03:14.000 They're supposed to generate extreme force.

01:03:16.000 Even lower.

01:03:17.000 Yeah.

01:03:18.000 Pavel Tatsulin, who's like the godfather of kettlebells in America, he brought him over from Russia, he believes you shouldn't do anything more than five repetitions, no matter what you do.

01:03:27.000 So what is this?

01:03:28.000 Is this because CrossFit attracts such a type A, overachiever type of person, that the desire for overachieving supersedes the logic of what actually is effective?

01:03:41.000 Well, there's a philosophy behind it, and I think that philosophy can be effective for some people.

01:03:45.000 And I'm very hypocritical if I say don't do something that causes injuries because I've had a ton of surgeries from martial arts and injuries from jujitsu.

01:03:53.000 But was it like a collision injury or was it just an overtime stress?

01:03:59.000 Injuries from knees getting yanked and twisted, shoulders getting popped out of sockets.

01:04:04.000 But you didn't get it from working out.

01:04:07.000 Well, I got it from sparring.

01:04:08.000 Yeah, but being in action.

01:04:10.000 Yeah, in action.

01:04:11.000 I just feel like it's crazy.

01:04:13.000 I mean, not crazy.

01:04:14.000 I'm not an athlete, but to get injured while you're practicing.

01:04:17.000 While you're in the thing, you can't necessarily control that.

01:04:22.000 CrossFit competitions are particularly scary to me because there was one video of this guy who owned a CrossFit gym and he was involved in a competition and he was doing these clean presses and his body literally gave out and he dropped the weight on the back of his neck and now he's paralyzed from the rest of his life.

01:04:37.000 And there's a video of it and it's horrific to watch.

01:04:40.000 Someone sent me one where someone's anal sphincter came out. 1.00

01:04:45.000 I saw that one. 0.94

01:04:46.000 He was lifting weights.

01:04:48.000 Is this your hobby?

01:04:50.000 Is there not... 1.00

01:04:52.000 Well, he set some goals, and he really wanted to achieve them, and that goal is to blow his asshole out like an old sock. 1.00

01:04:57.000 How do you come back from that? 1.00

01:05:00.000 Stitches, painkillers, time.

01:05:04.000 Probably steroids. 0.57

01:05:05.000 You know what?

01:05:05.000 He's allowed to take Adderall.

01:05:06.000 We rescind our judgment around that.

01:05:08.000 Yeah, he should take everything.

01:05:09.000 Yeah, he's allowed to take Xanax.

01:05:11.000 I mean, our country is so over-medicated, it's terrifying.

01:05:14.000 It is terrifying.

01:05:15.000 It is terrifying.

01:05:16.000 Well, you really see it, like I said, in these housewife communities, or sleepy, what do they call them, bedroom communities. 0.97

01:05:23.000 Where I go is where white people go to breed, and that's where I live. 0.99

01:05:28.000 Or raise their offspring.

01:05:29.000 Yeah, they raise their kids out there, and there's a lot of these people that just become medicated.

01:05:36.000 Men and women.

01:05:38.000 I mean, I talk to the women more than I talk to the men, but I know a lot of men that are medicated. 1.00

01:05:43.000 They're on Adderall and shit. 0.99

01:05:44.000 The late, great Robert Schimmel, who's a buddy of mine. 0.98

01:05:48.000 Love that guy.

01:05:49.000 He accidentally took an Adderall once.

01:05:49.000 The greatest.

01:05:52.000 He told me about it.

01:05:53.000 He told me, I forget whose it was, but he grabbed a pill and he thought, you know, he had a heart condition.

01:05:53.000 I already love it.

01:06:01.000 Oh, before the cancer? 0.99

01:06:03.000 Yeah, he had a bunch of different issues, and cancer, and I forget what the medication he thought it was, but he realized after taking it wasn't his, and then it was an Adderall, and he's like, oh, fuck. 0.98

01:06:14.000 So he called his doctor up, and he told his doctor, hey man, I fucked up, I thought it was this, but it's Adderall, like what... 0.99

01:06:20.000 Go clean your house. 0.98

01:06:20.000 What do I do? 0.98

01:06:21.000 And the doctor said, you're going to be fine.

01:06:23.000 He goes, you're going to be fine.

01:06:24.000 It's going to take about X amount of hours to wear off.

01:06:26.000 But don't worry.

01:06:27.000 With that dose and your body and your body weight, you're going to be fine.

01:06:30.000 So don't worry about it.

01:06:31.000 And he said, I went over all my notes.

01:06:33.000 He said, I started organizing all of my comedy notes.

01:06:37.000 And he goes, I got so much work done.

01:06:39.000 Work done.

01:06:39.000 It's unbelievable how prolific you are, but it starts to backfire.

01:06:43.000 So I remember when I was like, this is working, I kept doing it, and then the aftermath was like, I couldn't fall asleep that night, and then I was even more tired the next day, which meant I needed to take more.

01:06:50.000 It just becomes an addiction, and it stops being that effective if you overuse it.

01:06:54.000 Tate Fletcher put something on his Instagram today about the strongest cup of coffee in the world, and it's from Australia.

01:07:01.000 They made this cup of coffee that you're supposed to sip over the course of three to four hours, and it is half a lethal dose.

01:07:10.000 Like Four Loko or something?

01:07:11.000 Remember that?

01:07:12.000 Yeah, Four Loko, though, was like...

01:07:13.000 I have taken out it all.

01:07:15.000 Here it is.

01:07:15.000 The strongest coffee.

01:07:17.000 Look at what it says there.

01:07:18.000 The world's strongest cup of coffee is outrageously caffeinated.

01:07:22.000 It contains 80 times the amount of caffeine in a single cup.

01:07:27.000 Upsetting. 0.96

01:07:28.000 It's called the Ass Kicker Coffee. 0.94

01:07:30.000 It's sold at the Vicious Cafe in Australia.

01:07:33.000 So what's in it?

01:07:35.000 It has four shots of espresso, eight ice cubes of cold brew, and a half a cup of 10-day-old cold brew.

01:07:42.000 That adds up to half the amount of caffeine needed for a lethal dose.

01:07:46.000 Steve Bennington created the drink for a nurse completing a night shift.

01:07:50.000 I don't want my nurse to be so tired.

01:07:53.000 It's meant to be sipped over three to four hours, and it took the nurse two days to finish the drink.

01:07:59.000 She stayed up for three days after she drank it. 0.99

01:08:05.000 She was seeing rabbits or fucking running around in pajamas in her house. 1.00

01:08:09.000 She's just anesthetizing everyone. 1.00

01:08:13.000 I don't know.

01:08:14.000 I mean, look, it's my goal because I, by the time I was like 28 or 20, well, maybe it was, I noticed it when I was 31 because I froze my eggs when I was 31. And this is maybe when I noticed it, that at 31, I was on five medications.

01:08:30.000 Why you froze your eggs?

01:08:31.000 Because when I froze my eggs, they put you on a thyroid medication for some reason.

01:08:35.000 I don't know why.

01:08:36.000 And I was on, I think, two antidepressants.

01:08:39.000 Birth control, of course, which makes me very crazy.

01:08:43.000 They had given me Adderall for when I needed it.

01:08:46.000 I had Lunesta to sleep, and I just was like...

01:08:50.000 I have more medications than someone in a nursing home.

01:08:53.000 This is crazy.

01:08:54.000 And for thousands of years, we've survived without all of these pills.

01:08:59.000 This can't be right.

01:09:00.000 And I just noticed this, and I don't know if it's what I do, but just this dismissive instead of, hey, learn to meditate or whatever.

01:09:07.000 Someone was like, here's a sleeping pill.

01:09:08.000 Yeah.

01:09:09.000 I found myself like restless, irritable and discontent and not actually getting quality sleep.

01:09:13.000 And I'm on antidepressant.

01:09:15.000 I don't even know.

01:09:15.000 I felt like a shell of a person, you know.

01:09:17.000 And so that's when I sort of started looking into all these medications.

01:09:20.000 And then, of course, I was on coffee and, you know, all this other stuff.

01:09:23.000 So my body chemistry was just bananas.

01:09:25.000 And I think that a lot of people, you know, I personally would like to sort of get to the root of it or get ahead of my pain.

01:09:32.000 So I'm not that housewife in 20 years who's just taking Xanax because I've got pain or can't deal with it.

01:09:37.000 Yeah.

01:09:37.000 Discomfort or anxiety like an adult.

01:09:40.000 Do you think you have pickled eggs?

01:09:42.000 Those eggs?

01:09:43.000 My eggs are by the beach in Redondo.

01:09:47.000 They are doing just fine.

01:09:49.000 They're frozen somewhere, right?

01:09:51.000 Yeah, they're frozen somewhere.

01:09:52.000 Do you have like a locker?

01:09:53.000 Do you go visit them?

01:09:53.000 I don't.

01:09:54.000 I'm a deadbeat mom.

01:09:56.000 I'm a terrible mother.

01:09:57.000 I'd never go see them.

01:09:58.000 I wouldn't trust that they were organized enough to make sure it's your eggs.

01:10:02.000 If you don't think that is the main nightmare that I have... 1.00

01:10:05.000 You are crazy. 0.99

01:10:06.000 Why are my kids Chinese? 0.99

01:10:07.000 I would love for that to happen, actually.

01:10:11.000 But yeah, I worry about that constantly.

01:10:13.000 I mean, with the Oscar mix-up last night.

01:10:16.000 I heard about that.

01:10:17.000 I didn't see it, but I heard about it.

01:10:18.000 I mean, what if they mix up my eggs?

01:10:20.000 What happened?

01:10:21.000 They said someone won and then it turned out to be someone else?

01:10:23.000 Basically, Warren Beatty, they gave him an envelope.

01:10:23.000 I didn't even see it.

01:10:25.000 Bless his heart.

01:10:26.000 I can't, and I'm so hard.

01:10:27.000 Can you not read anymore?

01:10:28.000 No, they gave him the wrong envelope.

01:10:30.000 Warren Beatty has done nothing except be a classy legend.

01:10:33.000 So is this like the Steve Harvey thing?

01:10:35.000 Yes, exactly.

01:10:36.000 Same thing.

01:10:36.000 The same thing?

01:10:37.000 All the memes are comparing them, basically.

01:10:41.000 Like, you know, Warren Beatty's a new Steve Harvey.

01:10:41.000 That's hilarious.

01:10:44.000 Or Warren Beatty's a brilliant legend and Steve Harvey is a silly talk show host.

01:10:49.000 But yeah, he got the envelope for best actress and he just saw La La Land and said best...

01:10:56.000 And the entire cast of La La Land went up on stage.

01:10:59.000 And then they had to go, oh, actually, it's Moonlight.

01:11:03.000 And then one of the producers of La La Land was a total class acting gentleman and was like, Moonlight won.

01:11:08.000 And then Moonlight had to come up.

01:11:09.000 It was madness.

01:11:10.000 It was like the Super Bowl stress level. 1.00

01:11:12.000 I fucking hate those contests. 0.99

01:11:15.000 Me too. 1.00

01:11:15.000 I really do. 1.00

01:11:16.000 I don't have a dog in the game.

01:11:18.000 What's the expression?

01:11:19.000 Dog in the fight.

01:11:20.000 I don't have a dog in the fight, but I hate those.

01:11:23.000 I hate award shows for art.

01:11:26.000 They seem so pretentious.

01:11:27.000 Have you not already won?

01:11:29.000 You've all won.

01:11:30.000 You have millions of dollars.

01:11:31.000 You're movie stars.

01:11:32.000 Well, I think for me, especially with the political climate when people go up and make political speeches, it's like, okay, how much did you donate this year?

01:11:40.000 Like, what do you really do?

01:11:42.000 Like, you know, just making all these speeches and talking the talk.

01:11:45.000 I hope everyone's also walking the walk and, you know, authentic that way.

01:11:49.000 I don't know.

01:11:50.000 It's so loaded.

01:11:53.000 There's something anesthetic about it for people, I think. 0.96

01:11:57.000 There's, look at the silly monkey, like the diversion of dresses and necklaces and makeup and actresses.

01:12:02.000 You know, I think humans, we have probably an inherent need for that sort of diversion, that sort of vapid... 0.91

01:12:09.000 Let's talk about dresses instead of what's really going on.

01:12:12.000 And there's always a ribbon du jour that you're supposed to wear.

01:12:15.000 Yep.

01:12:16.000 What was the ribbon they had to wear last night?

01:12:17.000 It wasn't a blue ribbon.

01:12:18.000 What was it for?

01:12:19.000 What's the blue ribbon for?

01:12:20.000 ACLU. ACLU? I thought it was for the iceberg that was breaking off.

01:12:24.000 I was like, maybe they're worried about that giant iceberg the size of Manhattan that's about to fucking... 0.95

01:12:29.000 Yeah, I know. 0.91

01:12:29.000 It's just there's so many, you know, and I just get frustrated sometimes. 0.91

01:12:32.000 I mean, your listeners are not the ones because your listeners seem to all be seekers of... 1.00

01:12:37.000 Oh, who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:12:38.000 It's like saying all girls or all boys. 0.99

01:12:40.000 You know, my listeners are...

01:12:41.000 There's a bunch of knuckleheads out there as well as smart people.

01:12:43.000 Anyone that listens to you is smart, I think, or at least aspires to be.

01:12:49.000 There's a guy right now going, what?

01:12:50.000 I believe in you guys.

01:12:51.000 What?

01:12:52.000 She doesn't know me. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Fuck this bitch. 1.00

01:12:54.000 Fuck this cunt. 1.00

01:12:57.000 Where's Kendall Jones who runs lions in thongs? 1.00

01:13:02.000 Yeah, this should be lion hunting porn. 1.00

01:13:05.000 You shoot a lion and you fuck right on top of his body. 1.00

01:13:08.000 I feel like that would do well to someone very desensitized. 1.00

01:13:14.000 I mean, that's what it's coming to, I guess, these days.

01:13:16.000 Hashtag Reddit.

01:13:18.000 But yeah, I'm sure humans have a need to just sort of disassociate with pictures of dresses.

01:13:26.000 Yeah, I think there's definitely some of that.

01:13:28.000 Yeah.

01:13:29.000 There's definitely the pageantry.

01:13:30.000 People love when people dress up in all their best and they walk the red carpet.

01:13:33.000 People also love watching people lose.

01:13:35.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:36.000 Trying to keep it together.

01:13:37.000 Look at that fake cloud.

01:13:38.000 Oh, she's not even happy for her.

01:13:38.000 Yeah, look.

01:13:39.000 It's like, well, what? 1.00

01:13:40.000 No matter what she does, you're going to project your shit onto this. 1.00

01:13:43.000 You know what I do? 1.00

01:13:44.000 I do secretly, not so secretly enjoy.

01:13:46.000 What? 0.95

01:13:47.000 I do enjoy watching people as they get older who are clearly fucking crazy keep it together less and less. 0.99

01:13:54.000 Nicole Kidman was clapping like the Grinch last night. 0.99

01:13:57.000 Yes.

01:13:57.000 Like that lobster.

01:13:58.000 She was clapping like the Grinch.

01:14:00.000 I mean, I don't know what that is.

01:14:03.000 I don't clap a lot because we're comics.

01:14:05.000 We don't go to shows.

01:14:06.000 I don't even- I clap.

01:14:07.000 How do you clap?

01:14:08.000 Well, you have to clap if you have a daughter that's in a play.

01:14:11.000 Oh, constantly.

01:14:13.000 But aren't you all just filming the whole time?

01:14:15.000 No.

01:14:16.000 I clap.

01:14:17.000 My wife films.

01:14:17.000 I clap.

01:14:19.000 I'm not a good clapper either.

01:14:21.000 I do it after sex. 0.96

01:14:23.000 Good job. 0.93

01:14:24.000 Yay.

01:14:24.000 Found it out.

01:14:26.000 Look at her.

01:14:27.000 No, wait.

01:14:27.000 Look at this.

01:14:29.000 She also has... 1.00

01:14:30.000 She's comically willowy.

01:14:32.000 I mean, she does...

01:14:34.000 Are her nails wet?

01:14:35.000 I don't know.

01:14:36.000 There's something crazy going on.

01:14:38.000 She's pulling her hands way back, too.

01:14:38.000 It's like carpal tunnel.

01:14:41.000 She's doing too much Bikram. 0.98

01:14:42.000 That's not good for your joints.

01:14:44.000 I am hypermobile.

01:14:47.000 Do you know about hypermobility?

01:14:48.000 This is a thing. 0.96

01:14:50.000 So it's a lot of Western European trash genetics that we use our joints instead of our muscles when we move and walk and do things. 1.00

01:14:59.000 And I got this thing called costcochondritis. 0.96

01:15:01.000 I hope I'm pronouncing that right.

01:15:03.000 It's basically when your cartilage inflames and it was in my chest.

01:15:08.000 It's like a relative of plural C, basically.

01:15:11.000 And I did have pneumonia and didn't treat it, but I had so much stress in my back that the cartilage or my ribs started rubbing, I guess, against each other.

01:15:19.000 What?

01:15:19.000 And I went to this rheumatologist who was like, oh, you're hypermobile, which means you don't walk with your muscles, you walk with your joints.

01:15:25.000 That's where all of the impact goes, and you need to relearn how to walk.

01:15:29.000 So you need to cushion yourself with your muscles?

01:15:31.000 You're not using...

01:15:32.000 Decelerate with your muscles?

01:15:34.000 Yeah, you're basically...

01:15:35.000 I walked just like a...

01:15:38.000 Monster?

01:15:39.000 Like a zombie? 1.00

01:15:40.000 You're a zombie. 1.00

01:15:41.000 I walked like a monster. 0.99

01:15:42.000 I'm like one of the zombies in the beginning of the thriller video.

01:15:45.000 Oh, right.

01:15:46.000 Yeah, like everything's all wonky?

01:15:48.000 And I was like, so that's where all, and that's how, he's like, that's why people when they're 55 have non-collision injuries.

01:15:54.000 That's why you hear about people who like sneeze and throw their back out.

01:15:57.000 It's just there's so much impact over so much amount of time.

01:15:59.000 I had to go to a Pilates instructor who specializes in this, and I was just like, had to hold a rubber band and like walk.

01:16:05.000 Like, it was so boring that I just stopped going. 0.93

01:16:08.000 This podcast is going to be really fun to listen to dumb people's interpretations when they remember everything poorly. 0.99

01:16:13.000 Kendall Jenner killed a lion and she can't walk right. 0.99

01:16:16.000 She clapped a lion to death. 0.94

01:16:18.000 Dude, she's definitely on Adderall.

01:16:20.000 I remember.

01:16:20.000 I would like to hear the recap of this podcast.

01:16:24.000 She clapped a lion to death. 0.94

01:16:25.000 There's something about the Botox in her face.

01:16:27.000 It reached its way to her fingertips and she couldn't clap anymore. 0.95

01:16:30.000 She was shitting out so much MCT oil that she actually couldn't even clap.

01:16:34.000 There is something going on with Nicole Kidman's face too. 0.99

01:16:37.000 She's definitely shooting some stuff in her face. 0.99

01:16:39.000 She's got some weird sort of frozen appearance thing going on.

01:16:43.000 It's weird to me because people accuse me of having work done.

01:16:47.000 And do you see in my forehead I have wrinkles?

01:16:49.000 Yeah.

01:16:50.000 So that's sort of how you know.

01:16:52.000 If someone has wrinkles there, they haven't had Botox.

01:16:55.000 But when people say I had work done, I just try to take it as a compliment.

01:17:00.000 Well, they just assume.

01:17:01.000 Everybody gets work done.

01:17:03.000 That's just an assumption thing, right?

01:17:04.000 Here's what a doctor said to me, because I said to a doctor...

01:17:07.000 I had really bad under-eye bags when I was doing a TV show.

01:17:10.000 Like, bad.

01:17:11.000 Like, I looked like Steve Buscemi.

01:17:13.000 Because you just weren't sleeping?

01:17:14.000 I wasn't sleeping, and I was not eating well, I wasn't hydrated, and it was too much salt.

01:17:18.000 And genetically, again, my genetics are a disaster, and my mom, everybody has it.

01:17:22.000 It's fat.

01:17:23.000 I mean, it's not really something.

01:17:25.000 Ice, sleep, nothing helped.

01:17:28.000 So I went to a bunch of doctors and their solution is they were like well, we can put filler They called it that one guy called it a pillar like we build a pillar to fill it in and I was like no I'm a comedian I can't just get a new face like I I can't do the Joan Rivers thing like it's just not the carrot top or whatever and and basically He explained to me,

01:17:54.000 I was like, I can't have bad work.

01:17:55.000 I can't, like, this is not good.

01:17:56.000 Work is so obvious.

01:17:57.000 And he said something interesting, what you just said.

01:17:59.000 He was like, you only notice the bad work.

01:18:01.000 He was like, everybody gets it done, but the good work you don't notice.

01:18:05.000 Don't say everybody.

01:18:06.000 Well, I mean, that's sort of what he, yeah, totally, which he was probably just manipulating me, but I didn't end up doing it. 0.99

01:18:13.000 Everybody puts it in their ass. 0.99

01:18:14.000 But this is... 1.00

01:18:16.000 They still talk about it. 0.88

01:18:17.000 Literally, I know, I'm talking like a rapist trying to control someone.

01:18:21.000 But he explained to me because I was like, everybody just kind of looks like swollen. 0.53

01:18:24.000 Yeah.

01:18:25.000 They look like they've been punched in the cheek.

01:18:27.000 But that's what happens when you get filler.

01:18:29.000 You have to build everything out.

01:18:31.000 It becomes whack-a-mole.

01:18:32.000 If you do this, you got to do this.

01:18:33.000 If you do this, you got to, you know.

01:18:35.000 So once you start, there's no going back.

01:18:37.000 And I'm actually noticing it in men a little bit, too.

01:18:39.000 Ooh, that's good.

01:18:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:41.000 Yeah, that's gay. 0.93

01:18:42.000 But why is that like the, you know, I feel like HGH is like the male version of Botox. 0.57

01:18:48.000 You know, guys do like that sort of thing.

01:18:51.000 Yeah, but HGH is just something that puts your body's hormones to the same level it was when you were younger.

01:18:56.000 It's not like filling your face.

01:18:59.000 But you get cut, you know?

01:18:59.000 Yeah, your metabolism increases.

01:19:01.000 Women are valued by this, men are sort of valued by their brute, right? 1.00

01:19:05.000 Yeah, so when a guy starts Botoxing his face, like, I've met guys before and their forehead doesn't move, I'm like, what's going on with your forehead, bro?

01:19:11.000 That's how you know.

01:19:12.000 Yeah, so you have wrinkles, I have wrinkles.

01:19:14.000 It gets shiny.

01:19:15.000 Well, I'm shiny!

01:19:16.000 Yeah, but it gets a weird shiny.

01:19:18.000 But you know what else that is?

01:19:20.000 Like, it's dead.

01:19:20.000 Like, it's just a MCT-covered wax figure.

01:19:24.000 It just looks weird, like it's pulled and...

01:19:27.000 Yeah, because that's a couple things I found out.

01:19:29.000 So I am like shiny, but I also put like oil all over my face and sunscreen.

01:19:33.000 Well, that's good.

01:19:34.000 And so I'm always like, you know, but because I think that's like preventative and but lasering your face.

01:19:34.000 Yeah.

01:19:41.000 What happens when you laser your face?

01:19:43.000 Because I was like, oh, I'll just do laser to prevent it.

01:19:45.000 And I had a lot of like sun damage.

01:19:47.000 But what that does is it removes the hairs on your face.

01:19:49.000 And then that's why it gets so shiny.

01:19:51.000 Oh, that makes sense.

01:19:51.000 Yeah.

01:19:53.000 So we have like microscopic little hairs.

01:19:55.000 Yeah, little peach fuzz, which is what deflects the light.

01:19:58.000 And when you don't have that, you get shiny.

01:20:00.000 So my dermatologist was like, we should slow down on the laser because you're going to look like a wax figure.

01:20:05.000 And I'm already pushing it.

01:20:08.000 But I have oily skin.

01:20:10.000 Well, the laser is like, is it similar to like, they say that women get more wrinkles around their face than men because men exfoliate when they shave.

01:20:18.000 I've never thought about that.

01:20:18.000 Yeah.

01:20:20.000 Maybe that's why I don't have wrinkles.

01:20:21.000 I shave every morning.

01:20:23.000 Men get less lines around their lips and around the corners of their mouth.

01:20:28.000 They don't have to fake laugh as much as we do.

01:20:33.000 They don't have to giggle at bars all the time.

01:20:37.000 That's so true.

01:20:38.000 Why is that a thing where men like women to laugh at them? 1.00

01:20:43.000 Isn't that odd?

01:20:44.000 Well, it's feedback.

01:20:45.000 It's feedback.

01:20:46.000 But the other way, it's not like a lot of men laugh at women.

01:20:50.000 No.

01:20:52.000 It's making a guy laugh as an act of aggression.

01:20:55.000 It's a competitive...

01:20:55.000 Whoa.

01:20:57.000 Is it?

01:20:57.000 Oh, it's competitive.

01:20:58.000 First stone thrown.

01:21:00.000 For me, if I'm...

01:21:01.000 Well, I already have guys, so I've been on this online dating app.

01:21:06.000 Another one?

01:21:07.000 Is this the one for famous people?

01:21:09.000 You told me you were on one.

01:21:10.000 Yeah, it's that one.

01:21:11.000 That one?

01:21:11.000 Yeah.

01:21:12.000 It's not just famous people.

01:21:13.000 You can also get on there if you're rich or...

01:21:15.000 You have to be like a certain...

01:21:17.000 They have an approval board.

01:21:19.000 What?

01:21:19.000 Yeah, they have like an approval committee.

01:21:21.000 Oh, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:21:22.000 Who's on the approval committee? 1.00

01:21:23.000 Bunch of losers? 0.99

01:21:24.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:21:25.000 But it's an interesting gaggle of monsters.

01:21:29.000 But I find there's something very fascinating, and you can probably answer this.

01:21:33.000 Guys are so mean with their openers to me.

01:21:36.000 Like, they're like, oh, so you think you're funny, huh?

01:21:39.000 Like, that's instead of like, hey, nice to match with you.

01:21:42.000 It's like usually an aggressive...

01:21:45.000 Quip.

01:21:47.000 Yeah, well, those guys block them.

01:21:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:50.000 Yeah, right away.

01:21:51.000 Yeah, and guys being nice.

01:21:52.000 But I definitely like being funny.

01:21:54.000 Well, I mean, think about it.

01:21:55.000 It's like, you know, I'm always fascinated by non-physical forms of aggression.

01:21:59.000 Like eye contact is a form of aggression.

01:22:00.000 And a lot of like, if you walked into a bar and made eye contact with a guy for more than 10 seconds, he'd be like, oh, I mean, not just because you're Joe Rogan, but if you were anyone, like eye contact is like...

01:22:08.000 Well, without saying something.

01:22:09.000 Yes, yes, exactly.

01:22:10.000 Like, hey, how you doing, man?

01:22:12.000 If you do that, he's like, hey, what's up?

01:22:12.000 Yeah.

01:22:13.000 And then everything's cool.

01:22:14.000 Yeah.

01:22:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:15.000 Are we going to fight or fuck? 1.00

01:22:16.000 There's something... 1.00

01:22:18.000 Established tone.

01:22:19.000 Eye contact is fascinating.

01:22:21.000 You know, breakdancing.

01:22:22.000 I was obsessed with breakdancing for a long time.

01:22:24.000 Can you pop and lock?

01:22:24.000 What?

01:22:26.000 I cannot pop or lock.

01:22:28.000 But you just were into guys who could do it?

01:22:29.000 I'm hypermobile.

01:22:30.000 My knees lock all the time, but by accident.

01:22:34.000 I wanted to make a documentary.

01:22:35.000 I started making it in college, and I would go to these breakdancing competitions in the Bronx, and I was fascinated by when there's breakdance battles, if violence goes down in the area, kind of like what we were talking about earlier today.

01:22:48.000 This has not been a day-long podcast.

01:22:51.000 What are substitutes for violence?

01:22:53.000 Are they get the same needs met that violence Gives us, right?

01:22:56.000 Competition.

01:22:57.000 And breakdancing is one of them.

01:23:00.000 Rap battles is one of them.

01:23:02.000 And I think comedy is one of them.

01:23:04.000 So if comedy and a lot of my stand-up comes from a place of self-defense, and the implication is you're my attacker, so I think that I probably like, you know, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

01:23:15.000 See, I always imagine that your kind of comedy comes from you being forced to analyze your surroundings.

01:23:21.000 Yeah, that is true.

01:23:22.000 Then you've had to make light of distressing, almost like gallows humor.

01:23:27.000 Yes, that is true, but I did the roasts for a while, and that is an aggressive form of attack.

01:23:33.000 You roast battled?

01:23:35.000 I did not do the Rose Battle.

01:23:36.000 I was a judge on one of the ones this year, but I used to do just the Rose.

01:23:39.000 You were a judge on the Comedy Central one and we were fucking howling because we were in the Comedians Bar at the Comedy Store and you were that young girl, Olivia... 0.82

01:23:49.000 I love her. 0.81

01:23:52.000 She's really funny. 0.98

01:23:54.000 She's fucking really funny. 0.98

01:23:54.000 She's great. 0.98

01:23:56.000 She's great.

01:23:56.000 Olivia something.

01:23:57.000 Yeah, and you were going on about her being brave and overcoming trauma and this and that.

01:24:04.000 And we're like, Jesus Christ, Whitney, she can't help but psychologically analyze this young lady.

01:24:10.000 Well, here's the thing, because Rose Battle is so interesting to me, because when people aren't famous, you just have to attack their personal life. 0.98

01:24:17.000 And she was on the one that I did recently, the taped one, and everyone was like, Olivia's been raped by a black guy. 0.97

01:24:23.000 And I was just like, are we just all going to pretend? 0.98

01:24:26.000 I mean, because, you know, comedy is our anesthesia and we make jokes to deflect and to not have to really deal with it.

01:24:30.000 But I was just like, don't get it twisted. 0.98

01:24:32.000 Like, you're going to have to deal with being raped one day. 0.98

01:24:34.000 Like, we're all laughing and you're going to get a paycheck at the end of this? 0.98

01:24:37.000 Is that like an open thing?

01:24:39.000 Is She talked about it or something?

01:24:41.000 It was on the taping I went to.

01:24:44.000 And then it was like, you know, Mark's brother has autism and committed suicide.

01:24:50.000 Joke, joke, joke.

01:24:51.000 And I was just like, this is too brutal.

01:24:54.000 This is too brutal for me.

01:24:55.000 Because I know the mental ramifications of this kind of pain.

01:24:58.000 And we're all just pretending like this person isn't in a tremendous amount of pain.

01:25:03.000 And she's like 20, right?

01:25:04.000 Literally, she's 20. I met her when she was 17. Crazy.

01:25:07.000 She came to the improv in Brea. 1.00

01:25:10.000 She's a beast. 1.00

01:25:11.000 Well, that's worse than being raised by. 0.98

01:25:17.000 I mean, she had even more trauma than I thought.

01:25:19.000 She was out there for something.

01:25:21.000 I forget what she was out there for.

01:25:22.000 No, I reached out to her, and I was like, look. 0.97

01:25:26.000 She's fucking funny. 0.80

01:25:27.000 Yeah, and then in, I think, Montreal or something, she fell off the stage, and it ripped her calf open, and then she did the roast battle the next night in a wheelchair. 0.99

01:25:35.000 Oh! 0.94

01:25:36.000 Yeah, she's a warrior, but I, as someone who, I'm not comparing my experience to her, but someone who was 20, who started doing comedy, who joked about my pain, that shit caught up with me. 0.98

01:25:44.000 You can try to outrun it. 0.75

01:25:46.000 Laughs don't, the same way watches don't fix it, and cars don't fix it, laughs don't fix it either.

01:25:51.000 Freddie Prinze and yourself.

01:25:52.000 Yeah, it doesn't work, and neither does money.

01:25:55.000 Yeah, isn't that funny?

01:25:56.000 You know, it's like when you laugh at pain, and then it just becomes a joke, the pain is still there.

01:26:04.000 It's like you didn't kill it with laughter.

01:26:05.000 You just sort of like...

01:26:07.000 It's like throwing a bunch of gauze bandages over a swimming pool.

01:26:11.000 That's exactly what it is.

01:26:12.000 There's no pool here!

01:26:13.000 A swimming pool full of blood and...

01:26:16.000 But it is a temporary way, I think, to get your power back over your damage, or is to alchemize it or sublimate it into something lucrative or positive.

01:26:25.000 Like, my negative experience kind of paid for my house.

01:26:27.000 But there's a certain point, and I'm fascinated, like, you know, because I personally think, I mean, I can't speak for every field, but in our field in particular, I think we've lost a couple too many comedians to suicide that just kind of come out of nowhere.

01:26:39.000 And everyone's like, how did that happen?

01:26:42.000 It's like, How do you think?

01:26:43.000 You heard him every night on the stage.

01:26:46.000 Why is this so shocking to us?

01:26:48.000 So, you know, I think it just, you know, it's not my business necessarily, but whenever I see a young comic, I'm just like, let me know if you ever want to talk about it.

01:26:57.000 Yeah, well, that's very nice of you.

01:26:58.000 Now it makes sense, because I didn't see that.

01:27:00.000 I walked into the bar right when they had finished and you were dissecting. 0.97

01:27:06.000 I'm like, Whitney's fucking hilarious. 0.97

01:27:08.000 She can't help but psychologically analyze these people. 0.99

01:27:11.000 I can't enjoy porn because I'm too worried about the girl and why she's doing it in comedy. 0.98

01:27:11.000 Well, that's like me in porn. 0.98

01:27:16.000 When she's talking about getting raped, I'm just like, should we call a helpline? 0.99

01:27:20.000 I remember I read a story about a guy who was in porn that I'd seen in a bunch of porn films that blew his brains out. 0.99

01:27:25.000 And I was like, whoa. 0.63

01:27:27.000 I'm like, even the guys.

01:27:28.000 It's fascinating.

01:27:29.000 Because a lot of these people that get involved in porn, it's like they came here to be an actor and it didn't work out. 0.99

01:27:34.000 And then somewhere along the line, someone said, look, you make $2,000 to fuck. 0.99

01:27:38.000 And they went, all right, I'm in. 0.99

01:27:39.000 And then back then, they really could make a lot of money doing porn.

01:27:43.000 Yeah.

01:27:44.000 Now, it's even stranger because the money went away.

01:27:46.000 There was a guy who was a porn star, and he was producing films, and he lived a few doors down from me.

01:27:52.000 And I was like, wow, this guy's ballin'.

01:27:53.000 He's ballin' from porn.

01:27:54.000 And then the internet came along, and you know how the internet crippled A lot of industries, and people cared.

01:28:02.000 Like, people cared about the internet crippling the record industry.

01:28:05.000 Like, it was a big deal.

01:28:06.000 The Napster issue was a big deal.

01:28:07.000 Yeah, yeah, I remember. 0.98

01:28:08.000 Nobody gave a fuck about porn. 0.98

01:28:10.000 And it's a very strange thing. 0.99

01:28:12.000 It's like our shame in watching other people have sex, it transferred over to commerce.

01:28:17.000 Like, the actual commerce of porn, which is totally legal, was completely and totally ignored.

01:28:22.000 That industry essentially vanished and had to regroup and refigure itself out.

01:28:27.000 Yeah.

01:28:27.000 I don't understand the economics of it.

01:28:29.000 I've never really looked into it, but I know that they don't have DVD sales anymore.

01:28:32.000 It's kind of gone.

01:28:33.000 And there's also something psychologically really annihilating about being seen and then not being seen.

01:28:42.000 You know, it's like, I mean, I... Spencer and Heidi?

01:29:01.000 Yeah, like, totally.

01:29:03.000 And how you self-destruct after you, you know, humans, we don't like things being taken away from us, but especially being seen, and we feel safe or dopamine or whatever it is from being seen, and then we're not seen anymore.

01:29:13.000 And porn is probably the most insidious in a way, because, like, I mean, I even find myself, and I'm not as famous as you, I'm not, like, but when I don't know if people know me or not, I get, I feel really unsafe.

01:29:25.000 So, if I'm...

01:29:26.000 In what way?

01:29:28.000 Like, if I'm sitting next to someone on a plane, and this happens, you know, kind of a lot, and I'm like, okay, cool, he doesn't recognize me, I change my hair color, you know, a lot of people don't recognize me now, and we're cool, and I'm doing this, and I'm, like, doing my dumb, writing my dick jokes, and I'm picking my nose, or doing whatever I'm doing, and at the end of the flight,

01:29:43.000 he's like, I just want to let you know I'm a big fan.

01:29:45.000 And I'm like, wait, I thought we had an agreement that we were just strangers and now you've completely betrayed.

01:29:53.000 And then I just get into this weird Hitchcock paranoia of who knows me, who doesn't.

01:29:58.000 And that's my codependence.

01:30:00.000 I have to be able to behave in an authentic way whether people recognize me or not.

01:30:03.000 But it's just sort of this creepy feeling.

01:30:05.000 And I imagine doing porn because way Many more people watch porn than watch anything I've ever done.

01:30:10.000 So I'd imagine so many people recognize that guy, but would never say anything.

01:30:14.000 It's just this weird, like, secret...

01:30:17.000 I don't know, it feels like a very pernicious existence, like, not knowing who knows you and who doesn't, and everyone pretending they don't know you.

01:30:25.000 I mean, if you're...

01:30:25.000 I have, like, a lot of people come up to me, and this is always very, like, weird...

01:30:29.000 Guys will come up to me, they'll be like, hey, hey, hey, hey!

01:30:32.000 I don't know who you are, but my girlfriend loves you, so can we get a photo?

01:30:36.000 They're just being dicky to you?

01:30:38.000 Now you're just hurting my... 0.79

01:30:39.000 What's happening?

01:30:40.000 Or when people are like, so what do you do?

01:30:44.000 I can tell they're pretending not to, and then I have to engage in this weird, bad improv game with them?

01:30:50.000 And I imagine porn stars, because there's so much shame in admitting you watch it, people know you, but they don't say anything.

01:30:57.000 Yeah, I wonder if that's ever going to go away. 0.99

01:30:59.000 The shame of admitting you watch other people have sex and that you masturbate. 0.99

01:31:03.000 Like, there's two shames there. 0.99

01:31:05.000 There's a shame in watching it and there's a shame in, well, why do you watch it?

01:31:07.000 Well, I'll just watch it just because I'm interested in a psychologist.

01:31:11.000 No, you're beating off.

01:31:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:12.000 You're slapping your pussy. 1.00

01:31:14.000 You're doing something. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Something crazy is going on. 1.00

01:31:15.000 It is so fascinating.

01:31:17.000 I mean, it's obviously rooted in religion, I would imagine.

01:31:20.000 Well, it's Puritan instincts that have sort of echoed from the time the people came over in the boats. 0.99

01:31:24.000 I feel very safe when I know men masturbate. 0.92

01:31:27.000 Because I'm like, you're getting your needs met in a healthy way. 1.00

01:31:29.000 You're not just fucking holes in walls once a month. 0.98

01:31:32.000 You feel safe. 0.99

01:31:35.000 I feel safe when I know the truth.

01:31:37.000 I don't like waiting for the other shoe to drop. 0.99

01:31:38.000 So you feel like if men don't masturbate, they have so much built up. 0.99

01:31:42.000 Where you're just going to shoot someone randomly. 0.99

01:31:47.000 I know a lot of guys who have stopped masturbating because it made them too crazy and they've managed to go years without it.

01:31:56.000 I can't speak for everybody. 0.94

01:31:58.000 They seem really happy because I think they were sick of being a puppet of this...

01:32:03.000 I can't pretend to know what it's like to...

01:32:05.000 Well, there's an insidious thing that happens with human beings when they don't have intimate interactions with people.

01:32:12.000 People that normally have intimate...

01:32:14.000 You become Carrot Top.

01:32:14.000 Yeah.

01:32:15.000 I don't know if he's...

01:32:16.000 I don't know, but when I see comedians who don't hang out with other comedians, I'm always like, oh, this isn't going to go well.

01:32:23.000 Well, there's a lot of comedians that are super competitive, and they don't like other comedians.

01:32:27.000 Which is so weird because...

01:32:29.000 There's so few of us.

01:32:30.000 Yeah.

01:32:31.000 It's the least competitive field you can go into.

01:32:33.000 Yeah.

01:32:34.000 In a weird way.

01:32:34.000 There's so few of us.

01:32:35.000 There's so much demand for comedy.

01:32:35.000 Yeah.

01:32:37.000 There's thousands of comedy clubs.

01:32:38.000 Someone else doing well helps you.

01:32:40.000 Yeah.

01:32:40.000 You know?

01:32:41.000 It's interesting.

01:32:41.000 It's true.

01:32:43.000 I mean, how many comedy clubs are there and how many comedians are there?

01:32:45.000 I mean, I talk about this.

01:32:46.000 Like, how many comedians can do an hour?

01:32:48.000 I think there's 500 working professional headlining comedians in this country.

01:32:53.000 I think there's maybe 500. Maybe there's a thousand, and I think 500 of them are probably funny.

01:32:58.000 They can sell...

01:32:59.000 How many can sell a thousand seats?

01:33:00.000 A Friday night, yeah.

01:33:02.000 Oh, a thousand seats?

01:33:03.000 Like a small theater?

01:33:03.000 A thousand seats?

01:33:04.000 Yeah, it goes down to what?

01:33:07.000 200 maybe?

01:33:08.000 Maybe 200. Maybe.

01:33:10.000 Maybe.

01:33:11.000 Yeah, 200 out of 350 million.

01:33:13.000 I mean, is there any other field that has that few people besides, like, Tiffany glass makers or something?

01:33:19.000 Yeah, like neuroscientists or something.

01:33:21.000 I feel like there's one at every college.

01:33:24.000 And there's how many colleges in America? 1.00

01:33:26.000 But there's a lot of shit comics, too, just like there's probably a lot of shit neurosurgeons. 0.99

01:33:30.000 Yeah, but there is this sort of false... 0.99

01:33:32.000 I mean, granted, to be a comedian, we're probably in fight-or-flight mode anyway, or some sort of competitive thing, because it's so hard to do that if you do make it, there's a very specific neurology there.

01:33:41.000 But the competition among comedians is so odd to me.

01:33:44.000 Well, I remember being...

01:33:46.000 I got into it straight from fighting.

01:33:49.000 And I remember being super jealous of people that were doing well when I was just starting out.

01:33:54.000 Like, I'd see someone on stage, I'd be like, he's not even funny, why can't I get up there?

01:33:57.000 And then I recognized, maybe like, a couple years in, in my career, I'm like, wow, that is a dumb way to think. 0.68

01:34:05.000 And this is some really self-dif...

01:34:06.000 I constantly was reading psychology books and self-help books and constantly trying to analyze my mind because I knew that insecurity was tripping me up, whether it was in...

01:34:16.000 Fighting or whether it was in comedy.

01:34:18.000 Insecurity is like a weird little demon that wrecks havoc on the mind.

01:34:22.000 And that a lot of times masquerades as confidence and ambition.

01:34:26.000 So it's hard to sort of...

01:34:28.000 Well, it didn't even masquerade with me, but I would pretend it did.

01:34:31.000 I would pretend I was confident, even if I wasn't.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:37.000 Yeah.

01:34:44.000 Yeah.

01:34:55.000 Or why did I come up with that joke?

01:34:56.000 Or why is he so much better than me?

01:34:58.000 And then I realized, oh, you have to be a fan and a practitioner.

01:35:02.000 You have to stop, and then you have to support other comedians. 0.95

01:35:05.000 It felt hard for me to say, hey, I saw this guy the other night, and he was fucking brilliant. 0.66

01:35:11.000 God, he's so funny. 0.79

01:35:12.000 And then somewhere along the line, like a couple years in, I started doing that again.

01:35:16.000 I started being a fan of comedy again, and then I started running with it.

01:35:19.000 And then I realized how few people did that, and then I became super supportive of all the other comedians around me, and then developed a whole clan of people that do that.

01:35:29.000 So if you've noticed, my friends, all my really closest comedy friends, were all super supportive of I love that about you.

01:35:36.000 It's so cool.

01:35:38.000 Did you have to get a lot of success before that happened?

01:35:44.000 No, it happened before my success.

01:35:46.000 It definitely happened before my success.

01:35:48.000 I was helping people when I was terrible.

01:35:50.000 I wasn't doing well, but I realized that there was something wrong with my thinking.

01:35:55.000 It's the same as martial arts.

01:35:57.000 Like, you don't get good by denying that other people are good.

01:36:00.000 You get good at respecting the fact that other people are good, looking at yourself and your objective analysis of your own skills, and then realize, like, wow, I got a lot of work to do to reach that guy's level.

01:36:09.000 Yeah, and I was like, look at me like, you know, and I definitely had that in the beginning a lot, too, where, I mean, in the beginning, for me, there was so much about just dealing with aggressive people and recreating my childhood circumstances.

01:36:19.000 You weren't really there when I first started the Comedy Store.

01:36:22.000 You sort of had your respite from the Comedy Store.

01:36:25.000 But I was hazed so hard.

01:36:28.000 Really?

01:36:29.000 Joe!

01:36:32.000 We're fine now.

01:36:34.000 And we are totally friends now.

01:36:36.000 But Ari and David Taylor.

01:36:38.000 Oh, David Taylor's got some deep, deep female issues. 1.00

01:36:41.000 And we're fine now, and we worked through it.

01:36:44.000 It was really hard for a long time.

01:36:47.000 Wow.

01:36:48.000 But Ari, has Ari never told you the story about how he hid my backpack?

01:36:52.000 No.

01:36:53.000 Oh my god.

01:36:55.000 It's an amazing story where every night when I would go on stage, you know, there's like, in the Comedy Store original room, which is sort of our, at least my kind of like, was my church in a lot of ways, and my home, sick as that sounds, like there's a back booth,

01:37:11.000 like that back row of booths that's kind of for VIPs and like Mitzi Shore. 0.99

01:37:16.000 Yeah.

01:37:40.000 And I got off stage and I couldn't find my backpack.

01:37:42.000 And I'm like running around and, you know, it's so dark in there.

01:37:45.000 I'm like, fine.

01:37:46.000 And I got so scared that someone was, because basically what a security person that helped me said, someone who you're probably with all the time took your credit card, copied it, and then put it back in your wallet.

01:37:58.000 Like, because someone had, remember, there was that big Bank of America scandal where they copied like 2,000 credit cards.

01:38:04.000 Oh yeah.

01:38:05.000 It was that.

01:38:06.000 I was a part of that.

01:38:07.000 So I got in my head that there was someone in my life around me who took my credit card and copied it.

01:38:11.000 And so I was freaking out and everyone thought it was probably so funny.

01:38:16.000 And then I started crying, hysterically freaking out crying.

01:38:20.000 And once Ari saw me crying, he was like, I'm not owning up to this. 0.99

01:38:24.000 He's just like, fuck this. 1.00

01:38:26.000 So he just chickened out? 1.00

01:38:27.000 He told me later, like, we just thought it was an innocent prank and thought it would be funny, but then you started crying and then we were all freaked out.

01:38:34.000 So he didn't even give you your backpack once you started crying?

01:38:36.000 I don't remember.

01:38:37.000 We have to ask Ari how it ended up, because I did his podcast a couple years ago and he told me.

01:38:42.000 You can't ask Ari because Ari is hiding. 0.99

01:38:44.000 I don't know if you know this, but listen, I'm going to play this for everybody because I've been playing Ari's voicemail message because when you call him up, it says, at the subscriber's request, incoming calls have been blocked.

01:38:56.000 He hasn't paid his bill.

01:38:57.000 No, no, no.

01:38:58.000 Incorrect.

01:38:59.000 Ari decided to go rogue, and he decided to go completely off the grid for a couple of months now.

01:39:06.000 And he was in Myanmar, and now apparently he's in some South American country.

01:39:06.000 Whoa!

01:39:11.000 Hold on a second.

01:39:14.000 This phone does not accept incoming calls.

01:39:17.000 Message CA-127.

01:39:20.000 Okay, well that's normal.

01:39:22.000 What's he doing if...

01:39:23.000 That might mean that he's back stateside, because last week it was in Spanish.

01:39:28.000 When you would call him up, it would be a Spanish message.

01:39:31.000 You can't text him or anything?

01:39:32.000 Nothing.

01:39:33.000 No email, no nothing.

01:39:35.000 Yes.

01:39:35.000 Is he alone?

01:39:37.000 What's this for? 1.00

01:39:39.000 He fucked up and hung out with Henry Rollins. 1.00

01:39:41.000 That's what happened. 1.00

01:39:42.000 He fucked up and hung out with Henry Rollins, and Henry Rollins, who is fucking crazy! 1.00

01:39:46.000 In a great way. 1.00

01:39:47.000 Yeah.

01:39:48.000 Speaking of Adderall.

01:39:49.000 No, he's not on anything.

01:39:50.000 I don't know.

01:39:50.000 I have no idea.

01:39:51.000 He was on Ritalin, right?

01:39:55.000 Was it Ritalin?

01:39:55.000 Ritalin.

01:39:57.000 Ritalin.

01:39:58.000 Was it Ritalin?

01:39:59.000 He was on Ritalin when he was a child.

01:40:00.000 His neck disagrees.

01:40:01.000 Well, when he was really young, he was like a test subject.

01:40:04.000 From 5 to like 17, his family put him on Ritalin.

01:40:08.000 His doctors, whatever, whoever it was.

01:40:10.000 But he would be like, all day, he used to be like, gritting his teeth and holding, and then after school was over, he would be like, crashed.

01:40:10.000 Oh, it's heartbreaking.

01:40:18.000 Oh, buddy. 1.00

01:40:19.000 And so, he's fucked. 1.00

01:40:20.000 So anyway, what he does... 1.00

01:40:22.000 Henry Rollins has the hardest time dealing with human beings and not being in motion.

01:40:27.000 He wrote this thing about how he gets into deep depression.

01:40:31.000 It comes thudding into his chest whenever he's not doing something.

01:40:35.000 We're all running.

01:40:36.000 He can't chill.

01:40:37.000 He's gotta go do something.

01:40:38.000 I heard him on a podcast talking about how his assistant makes up fake work for him.

01:40:44.000 Just to keep him busy.

01:40:46.000 He'll be like, you have to drive out to this thing and pick up this thing.

01:40:48.000 She makes things just so he's in motion.

01:40:52.000 She hates, by the way, being called his assistant.

01:40:53.000 She's his manager.

01:40:55.000 I'm sorry, Heidi.

01:40:56.000 She explained it to me.

01:40:57.000 I hate when people say assistant.

01:40:59.000 She goes, no, you didn't.

01:40:59.000 I said, did I say it?

01:41:01.000 It's a trigger.

01:41:01.000 We're talking about other people.

01:41:02.000 She's got a warning shot.

01:41:05.000 She fires when you meet her. 1.00

01:41:07.000 Don't call me assistant, motherfucker! 1.00

01:41:08.000 Jeez! 1.00

01:41:09.000 Okay, got it.

01:41:11.000 So, Henry picks a spot.

01:41:13.000 He'll just go, how about Bali?

01:41:15.000 And he'll call his travel agent, and the travel agent says, yeah, we can get you out to Bali. 0.99

01:41:20.000 By the way, only flies economy, because even though he's fucking wealthy as shit, drives a shitty Mazda 6, Is that like a masochistic thing? 0.99

01:41:29.000 For sure. 1.00

01:41:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:41:30.000 Self punishment.

01:41:31.000 Wears gray t-shirts only.

01:41:33.000 Probably doesn't own a suit.

01:41:34.000 Is he still in like crazy shape?

01:41:35.000 He's in good shape.

01:41:37.000 He's not like jacked anymore.

01:41:37.000 I got it.

01:41:39.000 Apparently he had a bunch of injuries because he was power lifting for a while.

01:41:42.000 Anyway, so he had a podcast that he did with Ari, which is an amazing podcast where Ari and him met.

01:41:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:41:50.000 I feel like they were in...

01:41:54.000 I feel like Ari's always in Scotland.

01:41:54.000 Scotland?

01:41:56.000 Edinburgh?

01:41:56.000 Yeah, they were at the Edinburgh Fest and they started talking and the podcast is amazing because Henry was talking about how he's been doing this.

01:42:04.000 He's been to over a hundred countries.

01:42:06.000 He travels all over the world and does it every year and he does it.

01:42:08.000 He goes completely off the grid when he does it.

01:42:10.000 He just goes there and he brings his laptop and his camera and takes pictures of people and people going, what are you doing here?

01:42:15.000 And he's like, I'm here to meet you, man. 0.75

01:42:17.000 And he just meets people and goes places and hangs out with Bedouins and goes into the fucking desert and winds up in dangerous places, dangerous situations, but then comes back and has these amazing stories from it. 0.96

01:42:29.000 So Ari just released his or just recorded his latest hour and had decided that he really needs to do something radical to generate new material. 0.75

01:42:39.000 Interesting.

01:42:39.000 He spent a month in China last year and he came up with a bunch of material from that.

01:42:43.000 So he decided, I'm just gonna not talk to people.

01:42:46.000 I'm gonna not talk to my friends.

01:42:47.000 I'm not gonna talk to anybody.

01:42:48.000 I'm not gonna use my cell phone.

01:42:50.000 I'm just gonna live.

01:42:51.000 I'm just gonna go completely off the grid and travel the world.

01:42:54.000 And so, you know, he makes a shit ton of money now.

01:42:57.000 He's got his Comedy Central show.

01:42:58.000 He's done really well with stand-up over the last few years.

01:43:01.000 Which is great to see.

01:43:03.000 But this thought that he has...

01:43:05.000 I mean, it's...

01:43:06.000 Look, I mean, there's something to be said for it.

01:43:09.000 I mean, I feel like our brains are so cluttered with chores and, you know, we're so routinized at this point.

01:43:16.000 It's like there's something to be said for just completely rewiring, you know?

01:43:19.000 It's just like...

01:43:20.000 Ari's crazy, though. 1.00

01:43:21.000 Yeah, I was gonna say.

01:43:22.000 I also...

01:43:22.000 I'm in this stuff program where it's like human connection is what keeps us sane.

01:43:27.000 You know, when I'm alone and isolate like that, bad things will happen.

01:43:30.000 Well, Ari won't use a smartphone anymore because he's addicted to it.

01:43:34.000 He's like, it's too addictive.

01:43:36.000 It's amazing that he's able to course correct like that. 1.00

01:43:38.000 He's smart as fuck. 1.00

01:43:39.000 Joel Silver uses a flip phone. 1.00

01:43:41.000 Does he really? 0.90

01:43:42.000 And he gets so much done because it's not like dumb text.

01:43:45.000 He just phone calls, handles it. 0.99

01:43:46.000 He's a little dumb little LG flip phone. 0.98

01:43:48.000 Yeah, I mean, that's all well and good, but you know what I do? 1.00

01:43:50.000 I put my fucking phone down. 0.99

01:43:52.000 There's another level of discipline. 1.00

01:43:53.000 I don't like that.

01:43:54.000 That's the other thing.

01:43:54.000 Do you have to just, you know, abstain entirely?

01:43:57.000 Can you just do that every hour?

01:43:59.000 I put my phone in the other room and then I go do stuff.

01:44:01.000 How do you have so much self-control?

01:44:04.000 I don't know.

01:44:05.000 I just do.

01:44:06.000 But it takes a certain warrior to be able to do that.

01:44:09.000 But I don't do it all the time.

01:44:10.000 Sometimes somebody has to tell me, hey, put your phone down.

01:44:11.000 My wife will tell me that.

01:44:12.000 Put your phone down.

01:44:13.000 You're right.

01:44:14.000 But I do understand it personally.

01:44:18.000 I'm not denying it sometimes.

01:44:20.000 You gotta just stay awake.

01:44:21.000 I just have to stay awake because I get real zombie real fast.

01:44:24.000 I'm way better at putting my laptop down.

01:44:27.000 Yeah.

01:44:27.000 Because I used to have an issue where I would just be constantly going on YouTube and searching different websites.

01:44:32.000 Getting a hole.

01:44:33.000 You go in those YouTube spirals that take you down, down, down the next thing you know.

01:44:38.000 I got in a spiral of watching people pop zits.

01:44:41.000 Oh, have you seen Dr. Pimple Popper on Instagram?

01:44:44.000 No, I can't.

01:44:45.000 Go straight to it, Jamie.

01:44:46.000 I got stoned one night and I was watching all the zits get popped for like a good two and a half hours.

01:44:52.000 But then you know when you go to YouTube and it says suggestions for you.

01:44:55.000 It's all zits!

01:44:56.000 Then you find out the next day what you did. 0.99

01:44:59.000 For me, I know I have to get the fuck away from the computer when I get down to animal attacks. 0.98

01:45:06.000 We'll go to a good one. 0.97

01:45:09.000 I like they're called confetti streamers, the ones that are small and they just come out for like a minute.

01:45:14.000 She's got some ones that are just horrific.

01:45:17.000 Go to that one at the right-hand side.

01:45:18.000 Right-hand side.

01:45:19.000 Upper.

01:45:20.000 Right there.

01:45:21.000 Right there.

01:45:22.000 She gets a lot of cysts.

01:45:22.000 Go to this one.

01:45:24.000 Click on that, please.

01:45:25.000 Looking at...

01:45:26.000 Oh, well, that's like a...

01:45:28.000 Here it comes.

01:45:29.000 Is that pus?

01:45:30.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:45:30.000 I mean, some of them come out and they come out like goddamn volcanoes. 0.99

01:45:35.000 What is... 0.99

01:45:36.000 So is that...

01:45:36.000 Fat globules.

01:45:38.000 That is...

01:45:39.000 Oh, it looks like a birth video.

01:45:41.000 It literally looks like a deer is giving birth.

01:45:46.000 And some of them come out and they just look like cream cheese.

01:45:49.000 She's got some other ones on her page.

01:45:51.000 Look at that, 579,000 views.

01:45:53.000 I think she has millions of followers. 0.99

01:45:55.000 That is so much more fascinating than...

01:45:57.000 She's probably got more followers than you and I combined.

01:45:59.000 Click to see how many followers you have.

01:46:01.000 We are in the wrong business.

01:46:03.000 23 million?

01:46:03.000 2.3.

01:46:04.000 Oh.

01:46:04.000 Okay, but you know, she only had like 1 million a year ago.

01:46:08.000 Is this her only job? 0.70

01:46:08.000 Who is? 0.70

01:46:09.000 She's a doctor.

01:46:10.000 She's a dermatologist. 0.93

01:46:11.000 What genius was like, let's start filming this?

01:46:13.000 Well, and she specializes in popping zits. 1.00

01:46:15.000 What's the one on the head?

01:46:16.000 Probably some dude's got some...

01:46:17.000 Her name is Sandra Lee. 1.00

01:46:18.000 Some dude's got some fucking... 1.00

01:46:20.000 Sandra, I want your life. 1.00

01:46:21.000 Well, you know that grooming for women releases endorphins in our brain. 0.99

01:46:25.000 Really? 0.94

01:46:25.000 I mean, does your wife try to pop your zits? 0.94

01:46:27.000 No.

01:46:27.000 Or ingrowns?

01:46:28.000 Really?

01:46:28.000 No, I don't really have any.

01:46:30.000 Well, you're flawless. 0.98

01:46:33.000 That is disgusting. 0.99

01:46:34.000 That looks like aliens are giving birth to twins. 0.98

01:46:38.000 I look at the smaller ones. 0.98

01:46:41.000 Oh, that is so gross!

01:46:43.000 Look at this one.

01:46:44.000 You had to pull it out like it was hamburger meat.

01:46:44.000 Is this one okay?

01:46:44.000 How about this one?

01:46:47.000 How about this one?

01:46:48.000 I can't.

01:46:50.000 Do you like this better?

01:46:51.000 I like the tiny ones.

01:46:52.000 I like these.

01:46:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:46:53.000 What's better?

01:46:54.000 This or...

01:46:55.000 Those are my favorite.

01:46:55.000 This or all that?

01:46:56.000 That's my favorite.

01:46:57.000 I do that on airplanes in the bathroom.

01:46:58.000 So the nose ones...

01:47:00.000 Oh, that's my favorite.

01:47:01.000 Oh, love it.

01:47:02.000 Is it harder to watch... 0.99

01:47:04.000 Oh, my nipples are hard. 0.99

01:47:06.000 I love it. 0.99

01:47:07.000 Is it harder to watch that?

01:47:09.000 Or is it harder to watch the Deadline?

01:47:09.000 I like these.

01:47:13.000 Dead Lion.

01:47:14.000 This I'll watch all Dead Lion. 0.72

01:47:14.000 The Dead Lion. 0.72

01:47:15.000 Any dead animal?

01:47:17.000 You know, here's my thing.

01:47:18.000 Your whole approach to hunting is...

01:47:22.000 I get it.

01:47:22.000 Like, you have a very honorable...

01:47:24.000 You have a lot of...

01:47:26.000 You know, you treat on some level them with, like, dignity.

01:47:30.000 And you have integrity about it, you know?

01:47:32.000 Do you eat meat?

01:47:32.000 I do eat meat.

01:47:33.000 Yeah, so I had eating disorders.

01:47:35.000 So I can't really, like...

01:47:38.000 When I start restricting things, they're going, I don't eat this, I don't eat that.

01:47:41.000 That can go down like a bad spiral.

01:47:43.000 I don't actively seek out meat, and I don't eat pork, really.

01:47:47.000 But I can't start being too abstemious.

01:47:49.000 Why do you not eat pork?

01:47:50.000 I don't eat pork.

01:47:52.000 All of your listeners, I think, would probably think I'm very annoyed.

01:47:55.000 I'm going to get a lot of...

01:47:57.000 Don't worry about that. 0.94

01:47:59.000 I think I've just chewed down the rabbit hole of learning about the emotional acumen and capacity of pigs and dogs. 0.96

01:48:06.000 That it's just kind of like a bummer. 0.99

01:48:08.000 Pigs are very smart. 0.98

01:48:08.000 Very smart and very emotional. 0.98

01:48:10.000 They say they're like toddlers. 0.95

01:48:11.000 You've got to be around wild pigs. 0.99

01:48:13.000 Wild pigs are monsters. 0.99

01:48:14.000 Feral pigs, I'm sure. 0.98

01:48:16.000 Yes, but ones that are just raised and killed. 0.65

01:48:18.000 And there's also a lot of like, maybe this is too metaphysical or whatever, but like they know what's happening.

01:48:23.000 Yes.

01:48:23.000 And I just, it's more like you're just eating fear.

01:48:27.000 So their adrenaline and cortisol, it's just like...

01:48:30.000 Yeah.

01:48:32.000 Yeah.

01:48:33.000 Yeah.

01:48:41.000 Yeah.

01:48:52.000 Definitely from doctors as well, being over-prescribed antibiotics.

01:48:56.000 Every time you have a cold, every time you have a this, take antibiotics.

01:48:58.000 And then by the time you actually need them, they don't work anymore.

01:49:00.000 And that's where the situation my dad is in.

01:49:02.000 There's a thing that they're just researching recently on Komodo dragons.

01:49:05.000 And they're looking to Komodo dragons.

01:49:08.000 I think there's enzymes in their blood that they think is going to be effective in treating people that have resistance to antibiotics for diseases.

01:49:18.000 Bananas.

01:49:18.000 Wow.

01:49:19.000 Yeah, that was today I was reading that.

01:49:21.000 Yeah, that's bananas.

01:49:23.000 And I also look, it's like, again, you know, for me, and I'm not generalizing about everybody, I know this for me, a lot of things are projections.

01:49:29.000 And so for me, like when an animal is helpless, I see myself as a helpless child.

01:49:34.000 And when I see something in a cage, maybe the same way that like when you go into a room of executives, you're like, I don't want to be this.

01:49:39.000 When I see something in a cage, I just, something that's voiceless and helpless, that's what a kid is.

01:49:43.000 So it just triggers like a lot of Yeah, I can't go to the Pound.

01:49:47.000 I'll have 100,000 dogs.

01:49:48.000 I just can't do it.

01:49:49.000 I do so much animal rescue and I send someone to go.

01:49:52.000 When I see one that I'm going to rescue, they go and get them for me because I'll lose my mind.

01:49:56.000 Yeah, you'll take them all home.

01:49:57.000 It's just too hard.

01:49:57.000 Yeah, I just rescued a horse.

01:49:59.000 I just got a horse.

01:49:59.000 Do you have a horse?

01:50:00.000 Yeah, I just rescued a horse.

01:50:01.000 What's Hollywood?

01:50:01.000 Where do you put it?

01:50:02.000 Yeah, so Joe, that's why I'm here today.

01:50:04.000 I keep him at the improv.

01:50:05.000 I feel like he's at the ha-ha. 0.91

01:50:10.000 But he was a show horse, a dressage horse, who, you know, after a while, they're just useless.

01:50:16.000 They're like racehorses, kind of.

01:50:17.000 So he was going to be...

01:50:20.000 I do equine therapy anyway, so someone's like, do you want him?

01:50:23.000 And I was like, yeah.

01:50:24.000 What's equine therapy?

01:50:25.000 He's my teacher.

01:50:26.000 So there's this, I think you will find this interesting.

01:50:29.000 I find it fascinating.

01:50:31.000 Horses don't value anything that we value.

01:50:35.000 Money, prestige, clout, IMDB, meter, house, they don't care about anything.

01:50:41.000 Anything that we use to defend ourselves, being funny, being smart, they don't care about it.

01:50:47.000 The only thing they care about is authenticity.

01:50:50.000 So basically, horses serve kind of as mirrors to your flaws.

01:50:56.000 Really?

01:50:57.000 Yeah, in authenticity.

01:50:58.000 So if you're fake, a horse recognizes it?

01:51:00.000 They don't understand.

01:51:01.000 They're repelled by it. 0.95

01:51:02.000 So if you got a horse around like one of the real housewives from Beverly Hills would just kick her in the face? 1.00

01:51:06.000 It would just kill itself. 0.99

01:51:08.000 It would kick itself in the face, as would I. It's based on this philosophy called Being With Horses by this German woman. 0.99

01:51:18.000 I don't remember her last name, but this place called The Reflective Horse is where I keep it in Topanga Canyon.

01:51:18.000 Her name is Sabine.

01:51:25.000 And, you know, like, as you know, like, equine therapy is used for a lot of, like, people in rehab and sexual abuse victims.

01:51:31.000 I'm working with this organization called She Heard Power, and Beth Bares, who I work with, is sort of running it, and it's letting—because humans can be so triggering for drug addicts and trauma survivors that, like, for me, therapy stopped being able to work because I was so triggered by therapists.

01:51:49.000 I found myself lying to them.

01:51:51.000 I found myself, like— Literally trying to manage their, like, you know, I didn't want them to think I was crazy.

01:51:58.000 Like, it was just...

01:51:59.000 You're the most awesome and crazy person at the same time I've ever met. 1.00

01:52:02.000 But it's like, we all do this shit. 0.99

01:52:04.000 But then I was resentful, because I'm like, I'm fucking pinging you, and that's all you're going to say? 0.99

01:52:07.000 Like, I was combative to them. 0.98

01:52:09.000 Wow.

01:52:09.000 Well, because it's like, I'm very, not selfish about my time, but I have like a healthy understanding about what is a waste of time.

01:52:17.000 And I found, you know, I have a great therapist now who's like a badass, and she's like... 1.00

01:52:21.000 She's 5'2 and wears only mink coats and pajamas. 0.96

01:52:24.000 She's awesome. 0.83

01:52:25.000 Yeah.

01:52:25.000 Mink coats?

01:52:26.000 Well, they're like faux fur.

01:52:27.000 Like vests.

01:52:30.000 But then I would get very like you in the executive room.

01:52:33.000 I would be in a therapist's office and it would be like Harvard Business School. 0.99

01:52:35.000 I'm like, this fucking guy doesn't know anything about problems. 1.00

01:52:37.000 Fuck this guy. 1.00

01:52:38.000 Like, I just was like, I'd get angry at them. 1.00

01:52:41.000 And then all of a sudden, they'd be like authority figures to me.

01:52:43.000 And that triggered me.

01:52:44.000 It was just like, and then I felt we were talking about like, boundary stuff or sexual stuff.

01:52:50.000 And I didn't, you know, the shame that comes with saying I watch porn or this or that.

01:52:53.000 Like, it just wasn't.

01:52:54.000 It's working for me.

01:52:55.000 And then equine therapy, it's not about dominating the horse, and it really illuminates our instinct to control and be perfect and achieve.

01:53:05.000 And those are sort of the things I'm working on right now.

01:53:07.000 I have crippling perfectionism.

01:53:10.000 I feel like you and I have been, but you're interesting because you're one of the few people I know who's incredibly successful, but you don't seem to have a perfectionism issue.

01:53:21.000 Like you achieve a lot without an obsession about achieving.

01:53:25.000 Does that make sense?

01:53:27.000 I have a perfectionism issue.

01:53:29.000 And like with writing this new hour, like we've been texting about this.

01:53:32.000 You're like, do you want to come to the Ice House?

01:53:33.000 Do you want to come to the Ice House?

01:53:34.000 And I'm like, yes, I do, but I don't have a new, like, I can't.

01:53:36.000 But you only have to do whatever you want to do at the Ice House.

01:53:39.000 You can do 10 minutes or 15 or 20, whatever you want to do.

01:53:41.000 But I'm like, if I don't do it perfectly.

01:53:43.000 Oh, that's so crazy.

01:53:44.000 It's crazy.

01:53:45.000 Yes, because in my household, I only got rewarded for being perfect.

01:53:48.000 But there's no perfect in comedy.

01:53:50.000 No such a...

01:53:51.000 A hundred percent.

01:53:51.000 It's a...

01:53:53.000 So this is why, like, with horses, if you're trying to be perfect or control the outcome, and you can't control a horse, they're a thousand pounds.

01:54:00.000 If they're...

01:54:00.000 You can't...

01:54:01.000 You know, when you're alone with it in a ring, not dominating it or cajoling it or using any kind of manipulation devices, you really can only be authentic and detach from the results of, like, I need the horse to run and jump and do all these things.

01:54:16.000 They're not going to do what you...

01:54:30.000 I don't like anything I do.

01:54:32.000 Really?

01:54:33.000 Yeah, almost nothing.

01:54:34.000 I don't like any of my comedy.

01:54:36.000 I don't like anything I do because I break it down so much.

01:54:39.000 I go over it so much.

01:54:40.000 You get sick of it?

01:54:41.000 I listen to it.

01:54:42.000 I make notes.

01:54:43.000 I go over it.

01:54:44.000 I go over it.

01:54:44.000 I change things.

01:54:45.000 If I flub a word, I want to jump into a fucking- Me too. 0.99

01:54:48.000 Oncoming train. 0.99

01:54:49.000 Whereas the audience loves it.

01:54:50.000 They're like, he's human.

01:54:51.000 He flubs words.

01:54:52.000 Well, if I recover, it's fine.

01:54:54.000 But it bothers me when I don't do something right.

01:54:59.000 It definitely bothers me.

01:55:00.000 But I've learned how to manage that bother over the years where I don't go crazy.

01:55:06.000 And I think part of that is...

01:55:07.000 I don't know.

01:55:09.000 There's a lot of factors there.

01:55:10.000 Part of it is understanding that it's an issue and then figuring out why.

01:55:14.000 And then I spend a lot of time doing things like...

01:55:18.000 It's meditating.

01:55:19.000 I'm taking a lot of yoga.

01:55:21.000 I do occasionally, I get in my isolation tank and work things out in there.

01:55:26.000 When I do yoga, I can't even, because I need to be doing it perfectly.

01:55:31.000 And it comes and goes, but it really is, especially when I'm...

01:55:38.000 Like get really busy and like out of control and out of touch like I resort to my perfectionism is what gets me attention and that's how I will survive very like primitive thinking because that's what worked for me as a child.

01:55:51.000 Well, it seems like you're aware of all these issues, which is at least step one, right?

01:55:57.000 Well, I think the real thing, and your proof that you can do it, is can you release your protection mechanisms or the things that worked for you?

01:56:06.000 Because I think a lot of my perfectionism has worked in a lot of ways.

01:56:12.000 Have achieved things because of it, but it has started to actually hold me back.

01:56:16.000 So can you, the thing, the sort of maladaptive behavior that has worked for you professionally, can you release it and still get what you want?

01:56:26.000 You're single and you're not finding people that are compatible with you.

01:56:31.000 I love that you just said that because I'm finding it was bleeding into my mind.

01:56:36.000 I was like, you're not perfect.

01:56:36.000 Dating.

01:56:38.000 I think a lot of dating is being able to just go like, I'm flawed.

01:56:42.000 You're flawed.

01:56:43.000 I'm going to stop picking you apart.

01:56:45.000 Because I think there's an overachiever mentality that sometimes bleeds into our personal life of like, but what if there's someone better?

01:56:50.000 Well, if you don't feel safe, too, you also have predatory instincts where you find a weak thing.

01:56:55.000 And you're like, look at that.

01:56:56.000 This guy's got a limp. 0.96

01:56:57.000 He's got a mental limp. 0.99

01:56:58.000 Yes. 1.00

01:56:59.000 And then you go like, oh, he might be full of shit. 1.00

01:57:01.000 Or he might be pretending he's something he's not. 1.00

01:57:04.000 Totally.

01:57:05.000 Totally.

01:57:05.000 Yeah.

01:57:06.000 So am I sometimes.

01:57:08.000 I've done that.

01:57:09.000 I do that.

01:57:10.000 At what point do you just commit and accept somebody?

01:57:14.000 And I don't know the answer.

01:57:16.000 Well, it's going to be hard to find someone who can keep up with you.

01:57:20.000 That's going to be a big part of the issue, too.

01:57:22.000 But does he need to?

01:57:23.000 Yep.

01:57:24.000 Yep, for sure.

01:57:24.000 Really?

01:57:26.000 100%.

01:57:27.000 I love that.

01:57:28.000 Yeah, it has to.

01:57:29.000 But is that going to be exhausting?

01:57:30.000 I mean, I've dated guys that are very high-functioning, alpha type A's, and it was exhausting.

01:57:36.000 Well, that doesn't necessarily have to be exhausting.

01:57:39.000 You just have to find someone who knows how...

01:57:41.000 Look, you can have a car that's 600 horsepower and not know what the fuck to do with it, and you're going sideways around every corner.

01:57:48.000 Just because you have all that power and all that energy...

01:57:51.000 Doesn't mean you're utilizing it correctly.

01:57:53.000 Or you could have a car that has 600 horsepower and you take every corner perfectly and you know when to hit the gas and it's always there when you need it, but you don't use it.

01:58:01.000 How did you know?

01:58:02.000 Do you talk about this?

01:58:04.000 I don't know.

01:58:04.000 I figured it out.

01:58:05.000 How did you know that you were like, I'm going to commit to this person? 1.00

01:58:09.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:58:10.000 You're like, any day now. 1.00

01:58:12.000 You know, I don't think you ever totally know.

01:58:15.000 You know, you just gotta be, you gotta feel safe with the person, feel calm with the person, enjoy being around them.

01:58:21.000 You know, and the other thing is a person like you or me or anybody is you have a lot of options.

01:58:26.000 That's an issue too.

01:58:27.000 You know, because if you don't have any, if you live in a small town, there's only a few people, you find someone quick, like musical chairs, like sit down, quick.

01:58:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:58:35.000 But if you have a lot of options, you're like, well, this guy's just not quite doing it for me. 0.52

01:58:39.000 Let me just fucking go test the waters. 0.72

01:58:41.000 And then you're out there checking your dating app and, oh, so you think you're funny, huh? 0.98

01:58:45.000 It's a full-time job also.

01:58:47.000 I see, and this is a generalization, but a lot of people that I know that are being the most effective in life do have calm, predictable home lives.

01:58:58.000 That helps.

01:59:00.000 If you were going out every night to Winston's...

01:59:04.000 I don't know.

01:59:04.000 What's Winston's?

01:59:05.000 It's like a club in LA. Is it?

01:59:07.000 You know what Winston's is.

01:59:08.000 No?

01:59:09.000 Whatever.

01:59:10.000 If you were going to Maggiano's Little Italy at the Grove every night trying to pick up girls, you would have no time to build an empire.

01:59:16.000 There's no time.

01:59:17.000 There's no time to work.

01:59:18.000 That's true.

01:59:18.000 Yeah.

01:59:19.000 It's a full-time job.

01:59:20.000 Well, that is a real issue with men.

01:59:22.000 I'm looking to settle.

01:59:24.000 I'm in the market to compromise.

01:59:26.000 Yeah.

01:59:27.000 Well, then you'll probably find someone if you're willing to compromise.

01:59:29.000 But are you really willing to compromise, or are you just saying that right now?

01:59:32.000 That's a really good question.

01:59:33.000 Once there's a guy there and he's flawed, and you think about guys that you used to date that weren't flawed, and then maybe I'll look him up and...

01:59:40.000 Yeah, but I'm trying to not view, objectify people that way.

01:59:44.000 It's like, I'm flawed too.

01:59:45.000 Like, where do I get off?

01:59:47.000 We're all flawed, for sure.

01:59:48.000 But I also think, like, there's this, and there's this, and I don't know if it's feminism, like, we can leave that out of it, but there's this new trend where women, my girlfriends, a lot of them, who are like, I deserve better than this.

02:00:02.000 And I'm like, no, you don't.

02:00:04.000 Yeah, that's kind of weird.

02:00:05.000 You're a B minus.

02:00:06.000 You deserve a B minus.

02:00:07.000 So for me, when I'm like, I deserve this and this, I'm like, no, I don't.

02:00:12.000 Like, I deserve someone who's kind of a mess like me.

02:00:14.000 Well, I think people, you can certainly get lucky.

02:00:17.000 I think I definitely got lucky with my wife.

02:00:18.000 She's a really nice person.

02:00:20.000 She's smart.

02:00:21.000 She's calm.

02:00:21.000 She's very patient.

02:00:23.000 She's easy to get along with.

02:00:23.000 She must be.

02:00:24.000 And I think for me, and this is the first time I've thought this way, it's maybe not about who that person is.

02:00:28.000 It's about who I am with that person.

02:00:30.000 That's the everything.

02:00:31.000 That's everything. 1.00

02:00:32.000 Who you are, like we were talking about this before, if you're around people that are negative, that shit bleeds off into your brain. 0.98

02:00:40.000 And when you're around people that are nice, you feel nicer. 0.99

02:00:40.000 It's toxic, yeah. 0.99

02:00:43.000 So who are you around?

02:00:44.000 You're calm and you're...

02:00:45.000 I try to be this guy all the time.

02:00:47.000 Yeah.

02:00:48.000 You know, and for the most part I am.

02:00:49.000 I just don't want to go home and work.

02:00:51.000 Unless I'm hammered.

02:00:52.000 Or...

02:00:53.000 Do you drink?

02:00:54.000 I could definitely drink.

02:00:55.000 Really?

02:00:56.000 Or do you do like tequila?

02:00:58.000 I don't want to guess.

02:00:59.000 I mean, I've been drunk a bunch of times on podcasts just to try to make it more fun.

02:01:03.000 Oh, I respect that.

02:01:04.000 I want to listen to those.

02:01:05.000 Why did I get one of those?

02:01:06.000 We could do that.

02:01:07.000 Tell me when.

02:01:08.000 Let's do that.

02:01:08.000 Next one.

02:01:09.000 High five.

02:01:09.000 We'll get hammered.

02:01:10.000 Let's do that.

02:01:11.000 That'll be fun.

02:01:11.000 Could get dark.

02:01:12.000 We'll have to Uber home.

02:01:13.000 This is what happens when we're sober.

02:01:16.000 We're just going to be watching zit pop. 0.91

02:01:17.000 I'm going to be popping your zits.

02:01:19.000 We're just going to watch animal attacks. 0.98

02:01:21.000 We're going to watch all those guys in China.

02:01:22.000 Why is it always in China where they keep sneaking into those animal enclosures?

02:01:26.000 Wait, did Joe let Whitney pop his back zit?

02:01:29.000 I found one.

02:01:30.000 On a podcast?

02:01:32.000 Film it.

02:01:32.000 How do you not get ingrown hairs?

02:01:34.000 I don't know.

02:01:34.000 Because you shave or something.

02:01:35.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:01:36.000 I even pop ex-boyfriends when I see ex-boyfriends.

02:01:39.000 Call them up.

02:01:39.000 I'm like, can I get it?

02:01:40.000 They're like, we're not dating anymore.

02:01:40.000 Can I get it?

02:01:42.000 You don't get to do that.

02:01:43.000 We're monkeys.

02:01:43.000 It's grooming.

02:01:44.000 We're monkeys with guns.

02:01:46.000 We're just monkeys.

02:01:48.000 Yeah.

02:01:49.000 We talked about this last time that bonobo apes and humans have more similar DNA than African elephants and Indian elephants.

02:01:56.000 Yeah.

02:01:57.000 Bonobo apes, it's really fascinating.

02:01:59.000 They have one restriction, sexually. 0.97

02:02:02.000 The mother won't have sex with the son. 1.00

02:02:04.000 That's it. 1.00

02:02:05.000 Women have sex with women, men have sex with men, the son fucks the dad, the dad fucks the son. 1.00

02:02:11.000 Yeah, well that's like a good genetic sort of survival instinct, because incest breeds... 1.00

02:02:16.000 But the dad fucks his daughters. 1.00

02:02:18.000 Oh, that's not fair! 1.00

02:02:20.000 Nope, rude.

02:02:21.000 But the mom's like, get out of here, you freak. 1.00

02:02:23.000 That sounds like inequality.

02:02:24.000 It is a, I might not be pronouncing this right, a gyneocracy? 1.00

02:02:28.000 Like, apparently they call it a gyneocracy because they use their vaginas to get what they want as power. 1.00

02:02:32.000 That's interesting. 0.87

02:02:33.000 I mean, some people, humans do that, too.

02:02:33.000 Yeah.

02:02:35.000 It is fascinating that they're the least violent champ and the one that has the most sex. 0.64

02:02:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:02:39.000 By far.

02:02:40.000 Well, yeah.

02:02:41.000 I mean, that's another way to get your aggression out, I would imagine.

02:02:44.000 That's been sort of our theme today. 0.98

02:02:45.000 Well, I've been thinking about this a lot lately when I examine human culture and civilization and all the fucking atrocities that we commit on a daily basis. 0.60

02:02:53.000 And then I look back at, you know, I was reading this piece about ancient man and, you know, the trials and tribulations, Neanderthals and Homo sapiens how to deal with. 0.94

02:03:03.000 And I was thinking, what is the difference between Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon? 0.56

02:03:10.000 It's a good question.

02:03:11.000 I always get this wrong.

02:03:13.000 Well, Cro-Magnon is the early version of us.

02:03:15.000 Right.

02:03:15.000 Neanderthal is a different breed of human.

02:03:19.000 Neanderthal, we're human.

02:03:20.000 That's right.

02:03:21.000 I conflate them all the time.

02:03:22.000 Okay, now I understand.

02:03:23.000 But I think Cro-Magnon is not us, though.

02:03:27.000 It's not homo sapiens, I don't think.

02:03:30.000 I always get this wrong.

02:03:32.000 Australopithecus, I think, was the first human.

02:03:35.000 The first human-like creature. 0.99

02:03:37.000 It's an honor to be the dumbest person on your podcast. 1.00

02:03:39.000 I don't think you're definitely not the dumbest person. 1.00

02:03:41.000 Clearly you've never met Brian Redman. 1.00

02:03:55.000 That's what's so fucked up. 0.99

02:03:57.000 10,000 years ago is nothing. 0.99

02:03:59.000 Nothing.

02:03:59.000 It's a second.

02:04:02.000 And they're actually modern in every anatomical way.

02:04:05.000 Huh.

02:04:06.000 You guys learned something today. 1.00

02:04:07.000 Fucking A, that's nuts. 1.00

02:04:09.000 10,000 years is so recent. 0.99

02:04:10.000 And here's the craziest thing.

02:04:12.000 They only existed 175,000 years ago, they emerged.

02:04:15.000 So 175,000 years ago, humans emerged.

02:04:18.000 So before 175,000 years ago, which is a blink in time.

02:04:22.000 Roughly, they don't really know.

02:04:22.000 A blink.

02:04:25.000 Their estimate changes based on fossil evidence.

02:04:28.000 But that's so recently.

02:04:30.000 So recently.

02:04:31.000 What I was thinking is, when we're looking at our issues, you know, dating and love and friendship and creativity and ambition, all these weird issues that human beings have today in this context.

02:04:43.000 And weirdly luxuries.

02:04:44.000 Oh, yeah.

02:04:45.000 First world problems, left and right.

02:04:46.000 Creativity and love.

02:04:47.000 Yeah.

02:04:48.000 100 years old.

02:04:49.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:04:52.000 What is the future going to be like?

02:04:54.000 What is a modern human in the year 2075?

02:05:00.000 Well, it's all going to be VR, right? 0.93

02:05:02.000 I mean, aren't we all just going to be in our virtual reality machines just masturbating? 0.99

02:05:07.000 We might be the last people to touch our genitals. 1.00

02:05:10.000 Probably. 1.00

02:05:10.000 This will be the last pussy spanking generation. 1.00

02:05:13.000 Maybe sex will be... 1.00

02:05:15.000 I mean, there was a... 0.99

02:05:17.000 Sorry to circle back to porn again.

02:05:19.000 There's a book called Pornation. 0.96

02:05:21.000 And in it, there was a statistic that said 80% of kids under 18 boys would rather watch porn than have sex with an actual woman. 0.95

02:05:30.000 What? 0.99

02:05:31.000 Yes.

02:05:31.000 Come on.

02:05:32.000 That's a bullshit. 1.00

02:05:32.000 If I'm wrong, fact check it. 1.00

02:05:33.000 That's a focus group statistic.

02:05:34.000 I was going to say, it's probably a very specific group of people who would agree to be interviewed about, you know, whatever. 1.00

02:05:40.000 The same assholes who think women have to masturbate in tubs. 1.00

02:05:42.000 Only in tubs. 1.00

02:05:43.000 That's it.

02:05:44.000 It's only the only time they do it.

02:05:46.000 There's no kid.

02:05:46.000 This is fake.

02:05:47.000 But, I mean, who knows?

02:05:49.000 Fake news. 0.99

02:05:51.000 Fake boobs, fake news. 0.98

02:05:52.000 You could probably prefer, because you're in control of it.

02:05:54.000 If you have a VR woman who's going to do whatever you want, you don't have to deal with her afterwards and talk about, like, what are we?

02:06:00.000 Yeah, but that's half the thrill.

02:06:01.000 Half the thrill.

02:06:02.000 For you, but you didn't grow up on fake women and anime. 1.00

02:06:07.000 People are jerking off to cartoons, Joe. 1.00

02:06:07.000 Wow. 1.00

02:06:10.000 Wow.

02:06:11.000 You don't understand.

02:06:14.000 We watch Saturday morning cartoons. 1.00

02:06:16.000 They are jerking off to animated women. 1.00

02:06:18.000 Oh, God. 1.00

02:06:20.000 How many? 1.00

02:06:22.000 Most of them are jerking off to actual porn. 1.00

02:06:24.000 Will you look up in an animated... 1.00

02:06:26.000 How many people are jerking off to anime? 1.00

02:06:28.000 Anime porn. 1.00

02:06:30.000 I would say it's a very small number.

02:06:32.000 Which, by the way, a lot of the women in real porn are more lifeless than the animated women in porn. 0.99

02:06:36.000 Well, they're weird now because they're getting fake asses. 0.97

02:06:40.000 Well, it's like Jean Baudrillard's theory of simulacrum about how we prefer this simulation of something to the original of something when we can actually control it. 0.96

02:06:50.000 I think Andy Warhol was onto that as well.

02:06:52.000 Well, isn't it bizarre that some men prefer fake boobs? 0.98

02:06:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:06:57.000 Why getting off to anime porn is shorthand for supporting Donald Trump? 0.93

02:07:01.000 That's a weird connection. 0.92

02:07:04.000 Lauren, how do you say that name? 0.50

02:07:08.000 Orsini?

02:07:09.000 Oh, this just happened to pop up. 1.00

02:07:11.000 But what a bizarre fucking title. 0.99

02:07:12.000 Okay, let's see what she has to say. 1.00

02:07:14.000 Goddammit, Forbes. 0.95

02:07:16.000 Continue, please.

02:07:16.000 But is this in Forbes?

02:07:17.000 Yeah, it's hilarious.

02:07:18.000 On Tuesday evening, GOP consultant Rick Wilson made Twitter waves. 0.99

02:07:24.000 They have the fucking stock of Twitter right there. 0.99

02:07:24.000 Look at that. 0.99

02:07:27.000 Single men who masturbate to anime. 1.00

02:07:29.000 Isn't that hilarious? 1.00

02:07:29.000 Plus 0.50%. 1.00

02:07:31.000 They show Twitter and people reading Forbes, what's the stock at?

02:07:35.000 Oh yeah, totally, totally.

02:07:37.000 They know their audience.

02:07:38.000 So weird. 1.00

02:07:39.000 Waves with his claim that Donald Trump supporters are mostly single men who masturbate to anime. 0.99

02:07:48.000 I think they're right. 0.98

02:07:51.000 This is an intentionally incendiary statement that Wilson says he made directly to troll Trump's followers.

02:07:59.000 Everybody's trolling everybody.

02:08:00.000 First of all, as any anime fan will let you know, it's called...

02:08:04.000 Clears throat.

02:08:06.000 Hentai, a specific genre of X-rated Japanese animated cartoons.

02:08:11.000 But what's interesting is that in order to intentionally make people angry, Wilson targeted anime geeks as his insult.

02:08:18.000 Geeks tweet. 0.85

02:08:19.000 Don't upset them.

02:08:20.000 Yeah, they'll find you.

02:08:21.000 They'll at-reply you.

02:08:22.000 I mean, I don't know.

02:08:24.000 I can compete with porn.

02:08:26.000 I feel strongly that I'm like, okay, I can compete with the girl. 0.94

02:08:29.000 I've seen porn.

02:08:30.000 I can't compete with cartoons. 0.82

02:08:32.000 I have cellulite.

02:08:33.000 I really don't want to have to.

02:08:35.000 Here's the stats on how many people.

02:08:37.000 How one website is convincing people to pay for cartoon porn.

02:08:41.000 If you're paying for cartoon porn, just watch Jessica Rabbit. 0.53

02:08:45.000 Whoa, hold on a second.

02:08:46.000 Among 18 to 34 year old viewers, cartoon and hentai are the 13th and 17th most popular porn searches and millennials are 131% more likely to search for anime than older browsers.

02:08:59.000 This is what I'm saying!

02:09:01.000 Whoa, you just blew my mind.

02:09:02.000 So can we see what the other 12 porn categories are above? 0.78

02:09:07.000 It's all gagging.

02:09:08.000 It's all gagging.

02:09:09.000 Gagging while getting choked.

02:09:10.000 Gagging while getting punched. 1.00

02:09:12.000 Gagging pregnant bitches. 1.00

02:09:13.000 Gagging while anal. 1.00

02:09:14.000 Gagging while spitting. 0.99

02:09:15.000 Gang bang gag.

02:09:16.000 Oh, here we go.

02:09:17.000 Okay, so where's one? 0.52

02:09:17.000 Gagging while slapping. 0.52

02:09:18.000 Lesbian's number one with a fucking bullet. 1.00

02:09:21.000 Wow. 1.00

02:09:22.000 Lesbian and then teen. 0.65

02:09:23.000 And then stepmom.

02:09:24.000 Let's not brush past teen.

02:09:24.000 That's upsetting.

02:09:26.000 That's awful.

02:09:27.000 Yeah, it is.

02:09:27.000 That's horrifying.

02:09:28.000 You're monsters. 0.99

02:09:29.000 I'd rather you watch anime. 0.99

02:09:31.000 Stepmom is ahead of MILF. Wait, whoa! 0.54

02:09:34.000 And then squirt.

02:09:34.000 People are into peeing.

02:09:35.000 People are into squirt.

02:09:36.000 They like the squirting.

02:09:37.000 They think it's anything other than peeing.

02:09:39.000 And then mom is below that.

02:09:40.000 Well, apparently it's a mixture.

02:09:41.000 It's definitely not.

02:09:42.000 Really? 1.00

02:09:43.000 It's coming out of your pussy. 1.00

02:09:43.000 It's pee. 1.00

02:09:44.000 Okay, we'll circle back. 1.00

02:09:45.000 And then it's mixing with your pussy juices because you're excited. 1.00

02:09:47.000 We're going to circle back. 1.00

02:09:48.000 And then when scientists analyze it...

02:09:50.000 They go, well, it's not all P. And they're like, good, we're in! 0.99

02:09:53.000 Circle back.

02:09:53.000 We're going to circle back to that.

02:09:56.000 So it's interesting to me that Stepmom is above MILF. Yeah. 0.83

02:10:00.000 Isn't that interesting?

02:10:01.000 I want a mom.

02:10:03.000 I don't want to be... 1.00

02:10:04.000 You want to fuck your dad's wife. 1.00

02:10:05.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:10:06.000 Is that a weird, like, Freudian penis envy thing? 1.00

02:10:10.000 Fuck yeah, it's weird. 0.99

02:10:10.000 Number one at the bottom, rather, the least is public. 0.99

02:10:13.000 Public is the least searched.

02:10:14.000 Anal is above... 0.98

02:10:15.000 Anal is shockingly low. 0.89

02:10:17.000 I know.

02:10:17.000 It's below ebony.

02:10:18.000 Ebony is above black, which I think is strange.

02:10:20.000 What's the difference? 0.96

02:10:21.000 I'm so racist.

02:10:21.000 One is for educated people.

02:10:26.000 Wait, why is Japanese and Asian... 0.91

02:10:29.000 I know why they're different, kind of, but do you see how they're different categories?

02:10:33.000 Yes, Asian's way down low. 1.00

02:10:34.000 People are way more into Japanese than they are into Asian.

02:10:37.000 So specifically Japanese.

02:10:39.000 Asian, you get like Vietnamese, Thai, and people are like, nope, nope, nope, nope.

02:10:44.000 That's where I draw the line.

02:10:45.000 I want a girl with a kimono. 0.98

02:10:47.000 Yeah, geisha girl.

02:10:49.000 Oh, interesting.

02:10:49.000 So it's like a power thing.

02:10:51.000 I think anything I say here is going to be misconstrued.

02:10:55.000 It's incredibly racist.

02:10:57.000 Don't be worried about that.

02:10:58.000 This is the age we live in.

02:11:00.000 Okay, what is the difference between Ebony and Black?

02:11:02.000 I'm so sorry.

02:11:03.000 There is no difference.

02:11:03.000 One of them is said by people with education.

02:11:05.000 Got it.

02:11:06.000 And the other one is someone who just wants to get jungle fever.

02:11:09.000 But I'd imagine what's under those, one's going to be classier than the other, maybe?

02:11:14.000 There's something socio-interesting.

02:11:15.000 Millennial search term differences.

02:11:17.000 Look at this.

02:11:18.000 Cosplay.

02:11:18.000 What is cosplay?

02:11:19.000 Sorry, I don't know.

02:11:20.000 Oh, that's coming? 0.99

02:11:22.000 Or shitting. 0.99

02:11:23.000 Costumes. 0.99

02:11:23.000 Oh! 0.99

02:11:24.000 Shitting. 1.00

02:11:24.000 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 1.00

02:11:29.000 Shitting cosplay. 1.00

02:11:32.000 Why would you think cosplay is toilet? 1.00

02:11:36.000 I don't know, but I said it so nonchalantly.

02:11:39.000 Foot job.

02:11:39.000 Look at that.

02:11:41.000 What is the foot fetish thing?

02:11:42.000 Do you know?

02:11:43.000 I guess it's like something happening when you were young.

02:11:43.000 I don't know.

02:11:46.000 Oh, like some sort of...

02:11:47.000 Isn't that called cathexis?

02:11:49.000 I think it's called imprinting.

02:11:51.000 Yeah.

02:11:51.000 Sexual imprinting.

02:11:52.000 Yeah, right.

02:11:53.000 Look at that yoga.

02:11:54.000 Let me see.

02:11:55.000 Yoga's in there right below gym. 0.98

02:11:57.000 There's a lot of yoga balls in porn these days. 1.00

02:11:58.000 I see a lot of sex on yoga balls. 1.00

02:12:00.000 I do not feel sexy at the gym. 0.99

02:12:02.000 But gym is above yoga, which is interesting.

02:12:04.000 More people can relate.

02:12:05.000 They're all the CrossFit people.

02:12:06.000 Yeah, more people can relate.

02:12:08.000 Like a girl doing squats. 1.00

02:12:09.000 What if she just wanted to fuck right now? 1.00

02:12:10.000 Fuck my dick! 1.00

02:12:11.000 Squat on that dick! 1.00

02:12:12.000 Could I get hard with all these people watching? 1.00

02:12:13.000 I think I could.

02:12:15.000 Wait, what's...

02:12:17.000 POV. Now that I heard that porn star in LA Fitness, I get the gym porn thing. 0.85

02:12:21.000 What is emo?

02:12:23.000 Like, goth girls to Morrissey? 0.78

02:12:25.000 Yeah.

02:12:26.000 Really?

02:12:27.000 A lot of crying.

02:12:27.000 Tattoos.

02:12:29.000 Tattoos? 0.97

02:12:29.000 Oh, I think that's just all porn now. 0.97

02:12:31.000 I mean, that's part of... 0.92

02:12:32.000 Like, goth makeup? 0.88

02:12:33.000 Suicide girl type girl. 1.00

02:12:35.000 Emo? 0.99

02:12:35.000 Suicide girl. 0.99

02:12:36.000 No.

02:12:37.000 For sure, that's what it is, yeah.

02:12:38.000 He's like, for sure.

02:12:39.000 I mean, that's what they are.

02:12:41.000 Why do they call it emo, though?

02:12:42.000 I don't know.

02:12:43.000 Suicide girl, I wouldn't think of it.

02:12:44.000 I would think emo, a bunch of crying dudes.

02:12:44.000 It's like generality.

02:12:47.000 If they put suicide on here, then you're looking for suicide porn, and that's a way different thing than emo girls. 1.00

02:12:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:47.000 Like Doc Martens? 1.00

02:12:51.000 Yeah, that's not porn, that's just crime.

02:12:54.000 What's that guy who committed suicide, Elliot something or another?

02:12:58.000 Elliot Smith? 0.99

02:12:58.000 What the fuck's his name? 0.99

02:12:59.000 Is that his name? 1.00

02:13:00.000 I don't know.

02:13:00.000 Duncan told me to listen to him.

02:13:02.000 I listened to him, I'm like, Duncan, what the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

02:13:05.000 It was like super depressing music. 1.00

02:13:07.000 I'm like, no wonder this guy stabbed himself.

02:13:10.000 Wait, can you walk me through this?

02:13:11.000 Dogging?

02:13:12.000 What is dogging?

02:13:13.000 Doggy style? 0.99

02:13:14.000 What the fuck is dogging? 0.99

02:13:15.000 Or walking? 0.99

02:13:16.000 But it says dogging.

02:13:17.000 Dogging. 1.00

02:13:18.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:13:19.000 Long nipples is at the very bottom. 1.00

02:13:22.000 Granny is well above long nipples. 1.00

02:13:25.000 Wait, so aren't those synonymous? 0.99

02:13:28.000 Smoking, what's smoking?

02:13:30.000 Wife swap. 1.00

02:13:31.000 So why is it negative?

02:13:33.000 Does this mean it's become less popular?

02:13:35.000 This one is actually comparing millennial searches to people older than them.

02:13:40.000 So millennials are more into all this.

02:13:42.000 But this stuff is all new.

02:13:44.000 Millennials never probably had the opportunity to see Granny. 1.00

02:13:47.000 Well, there's granny porn that's more prevalent now than ever before. 1.00

02:13:51.000 What if you were 80 doing porn? 0.96

02:13:54.000 What is that? 1.00

02:13:56.000 That's a bitch that knows she's gonna die and just wants to ride that boat right into the rocks. 1.00

02:14:00.000 Hit the throttle. 1.00

02:14:06.000 She's bobbing across the top of the ocean.

02:14:10.000 She sees the rocks.

02:14:11.000 She doesn't let up at all.

02:14:12.000 She doesn't even close her eyes.

02:14:13.000 This is upsetting to me.

02:14:15.000 Go back up.

02:14:16.000 Stop scrolling so much.

02:14:17.000 I guess it's the no teeth.

02:14:18.000 Kim Kardashian is the most popular porn star searched by millennials still. 0.89

02:14:23.000 Is she a porn star? 1.00

02:14:24.000 Yeah, she's got a porn tape. 1.00

02:14:25.000 Oh. 0.99

02:14:26.000 That's amazing.

02:14:27.000 I don't know the rest of these girls. 1.00

02:14:28.000 And Mia Khalifa, who's like a... 1.00

02:14:30.000 Liz Khalifa's...

02:14:32.000 Sister?

02:14:33.000 I know nothing.

02:14:35.000 Lisa Ann, who's deep in her 40s, I believe.

02:14:38.000 Good for her.

02:14:40.000 That's a victory.

02:14:41.000 Interesting.

02:14:42.000 I don't know any of these people.

02:14:43.000 Oh, Sasha Gray, I feel like she's fallen off the...

02:14:46.000 I don't think she does it anymore.

02:14:47.000 Oh, really?

02:14:47.000 I think she retired.

02:14:49.000 Her vagina threw in the towel? 1.00

02:14:50.000 Yeah, I mean, it's like a fighter. 1.00

02:14:52.000 They get enough headshots, and they're like, I gotta step away.

02:14:55.000 She's had enough concussions in the back of her throat. 0.96

02:14:58.000 How do you...

02:15:19.000 She's very nice.

02:15:24.000 And she's sober now.

02:15:26.000 Her guy didn't know she was Jenna Jameson for like a couple months.

02:15:33.000 I don't even want to comment.

02:15:35.000 Do not believe it.

02:15:36.000 I know her.

02:15:36.000 She's a very nice person.

02:15:37.000 I'd rather not comment on her personal life, so I don't really know.

02:15:40.000 Got it.

02:15:41.000 I support anyone who's trying to escape that world and just become normal.

02:15:45.000 Well, because I also, with guys that I date, I never want them to see my stand-up.

02:15:48.000 Do you think that...

02:15:49.000 How many guys have you dated where you were on a date with them for a while before they figured out that you were a famous comedian?

02:15:56.000 I mean, since I've done stand-up, I don't...

02:15:58.000 Never?

02:15:59.000 Yeah, maybe not.

02:16:00.000 So it's always an elephant in the room.

02:16:02.000 Well, it's always like, have you seen my specials, have you not?

02:16:06.000 Right.

02:16:06.000 And someone I'm seeing now, I was like, could you not?

02:16:10.000 Could you not watch me?

02:16:11.000 Watch them.

02:16:12.000 Wow.

02:16:12.000 Just so that you have an opportunity to just get to know me first before you hear me talk about squirting for 40 minutes.

02:16:17.000 He was like, I'd rather not, actually.

02:16:17.000 And is he okay with that?

02:16:19.000 And I'm like, cool.

02:16:20.000 Wow.

02:16:20.000 Whereas some guys are like, what's your special last night?

02:16:22.000 Fucking squirting. 1.00

02:16:23.000 And I'm like, okay. 1.00

02:16:24.000 I don't want the guys I date to see me that way.

02:16:29.000 So I'm just codependently worried about Sasha Gray's future.

02:16:33.000 Well, she seems like a very smart person.

02:16:36.000 Really?

02:16:36.000 Yeah, a buddy of mine used to work for the Fleshlight and he'd met her and she just reads books a lot.

02:16:43.000 She's very smart.

02:16:44.000 She's a freak. 1.00

02:16:45.000 She did a whole article about that.

02:16:47.000 She had done some mainstream movie.

02:16:49.000 She did with Soderbergh.

02:16:50.000 The Girlfriend Experience or something.

02:16:53.000 That's right.

02:16:55.000 She did some interview about it. 0.99

02:16:59.000 She was like, I'm just sort of embracing my inner slut. 0.99

02:17:02.000 She's like, I like it. 0.99

02:17:03.000 How come guys are allowed to do that?

02:17:05.000 No, so do I, but I don't film it.

02:17:07.000 I have parents and I don't put it on camera.

02:17:11.000 Maybe that's the thing.

02:17:12.000 Maybe it's the parent thing.

02:17:13.000 There's something different there.

02:17:14.000 Or maybe you don't have parents that you want to punish.

02:17:17.000 Maybe some women have parents that they want to punish. 1.00

02:17:20.000 They want their dad who doesn't talk to them ever to see this and realize how bad he fucked up. 1.00

02:17:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:25.000 Oh, interesting. 0.99

02:17:26.000 It could be an act of aggression or like a punitive act.

02:17:30.000 I mean, there's a lot of people that I would like to get revenge on and I still don't have sex on camera and upload it to Vimeo.

02:17:37.000 Well, because that's also self-punishment in some ways.

02:17:40.000 100%.

02:17:40.000 It's cutting.

02:17:41.000 You're opening yourself up to massive amounts of...

02:17:43.000 Yes.

02:17:44.000 Like, I went just for no good reason.

02:17:47.000 I went to Ronda Rousey's Instagram page the other day.

02:17:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:50.000 Because she showed up in my feed, and then I went to her page, and I looked at some of the comments on some of her pictures, and holy shit, are there monsters out there? 0.99

02:18:01.000 About sexual stuff? 0.99

02:18:02.000 No.

02:18:03.000 I mean, I'm sure there's some of it was sexual.

02:18:05.000 What I just thought was just mean. 0.99

02:18:06.000 Like, you open yourself up to just mean fucking people. 0.99

02:18:11.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:18:11.000 I mean, she, I don't, you know, know, like, she, I'm sure, doesn't look at that or something, but whenever I look at it, I'm out for a couple days. 0.98

02:18:20.000 You can't look at it.

02:18:21.000 Yeah.

02:18:21.000 Apparently they have to keep Donald Trump away from Twitter and from Instagram and television.

02:18:26.000 Because, like, there was some thing, they were talking about some campaign aide that was like, you know, we have to keep him away.

02:18:33.000 You gotta keep him distracted.

02:18:34.000 You gotta keep him away from the television.

02:18:35.000 Yeah.

02:18:35.000 Because he becomes fixated and he just wants to talk about, like, someone who's doing a Saturday Night Live sketch about him.

02:18:41.000 Well, I mean, look, I don't know enough about politics to really talk about it, and it really doesn't matter who you are interested in or not, but he shows the signs of a clinical narcissist, and whether that's good or bad, maybe presidents should be narcissists, maybe athletes should.

02:18:56.000 I don't know where that benefits you.

02:18:57.000 I'm sure there are careers where it does, but narcissists have that kind of addiction to feedback.

02:19:03.000 It's scary for a leader.

02:19:05.000 It makes sense for an artist or for an athlete that you have to have some sort of narcissism to become J-Lo.

02:19:11.000 To say I'm the best in the world. 1.00

02:19:13.000 Yeah, to be a diva or to be a whatever the fuck you are. 1.00

02:19:17.000 But yeah, it becomes a real scary thing when it's like, I remember when he was talking about Kanye West, when Kanye West did that thing in front of this giant concert and he said, I didn't vote, but if I did vote, I would vote. 0.99

02:19:28.000 He said, I vote on Trump.

02:19:31.000 He's not even spelling it right.

02:19:32.000 I would vote Vote on Trump.

02:19:36.000 Thank God you don't vote, but it's not helping.

02:19:39.000 Well, it is interesting.

02:19:41.000 What I was going to say is he did this thing where he's talking about it in front of this gigantic group of people, where he's talking about, he loves Trump.

02:19:49.000 I love Kanye because Kanye loves Trump.

02:19:51.000 He was talking about himself in the third person.

02:19:54.000 It was so disturbing.

02:19:55.000 It was like, this is such a weird way of addressing that.

02:19:58.000 Instead of saying in a gracious way, that was very kind of him, I appreciate him, he's a brilliant artist, and it's very nice to have his support.

02:20:05.000 Thank you, Kanye.

02:20:05.000 Instead of just saying that, he loves Trump.

02:20:07.000 Well, I love Kanye, because Kanye loves Trump.

02:20:10.000 He loves Trump.

02:20:11.000 Like, he kept saying it and repeating it.

02:20:14.000 Like an Asian person speaking broken English. 1.00

02:20:16.000 He's also a 70-year-old grandpa who's out there working 150 hours a day and he's probably ragged.

02:20:23.000 But your thing about impulse control is like if you can't go, you know what?

02:20:26.000 I'm not going to send that.

02:20:27.000 I'm going to put a pin in that and spend some critical thinking before I sort of act.

02:20:33.000 But this is also a man who is Did you hear when he said, he was like, you know, I can see things from every angle.

02:20:40.000 I'm not doing impressions.

02:20:41.000 I can see things from every angle probably better than anyone.

02:20:44.000 Yeah, well, he always does that.

02:20:46.000 Anyone?

02:20:46.000 Yeah.

02:20:47.000 Anyone.

02:20:48.000 But I'm fascinated by how much a mental illness can help you and then when it starts to backfire on you.

02:20:54.000 It's obviously worked pretty well on some level.

02:20:56.000 Well, what's going on now is his mental state or the way he behaves, his personality, is being examined by the brightest minds in the world.

02:21:05.000 Yeah.

02:21:06.000 Like us.

02:21:07.000 No, not us. 1.00

02:21:09.000 And the dumbest. 1.00

02:21:11.000 And two idiots that like to talk about pussy slapping and gagging. 1.00

02:21:15.000 Or watching zip popping for you. 1.00

02:21:17.000 But he's, you know, he's under this, there's a level of scrutiny that you get if you're a rapper like Kanye West or a fighter like Ronda Rousey.

02:21:26.000 And then there's this whole nother level when you want to be the center of the entire nuclear armament for the United States of America.

02:21:35.000 You want to be the commander in chief.

02:21:37.000 Yeah.

02:21:37.000 For the greatest country the world has ever known.

02:21:39.000 And that's what he's done.

02:21:41.000 And I don't think it's good.

02:21:43.000 Howard Stern was talking about this, and I think Howard knows him pretty well.

02:21:47.000 And I think it was very astute what he was saying.

02:21:50.000 It's not good for him mentally.

02:21:52.000 It's like the guy wants to be loved, and you're just not going to be loved in that job.

02:21:56.000 It's heartbreaking.

02:21:57.000 Nobody gets loved.

02:21:58.000 Yeah, you did it to get love and you're getting the massive amount of hate come at you, but he is getting love from a specific area of people.

02:22:04.000 I mean, I'm, again, fascinated by the primal element of it, of how we, you know, the people who are responding well to what he's doing are...

02:22:13.000 Responding to alpha male.

02:22:14.000 We have a, I think, reptilian attraction to alpha males.

02:22:18.000 I mean, I'll say it.

02:22:18.000 When I was watching him in early, early on, in the early debates when there was like, you know, six candidates on stage, as much as, I mean, I did his roast.

02:22:26.000 I met him. 0.63

02:22:27.000 He was gross to me. 0.98

02:22:28.000 He's gross? 0.98

02:22:29.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:22:29.000 Oh, he's the guy who like puts his hand on your lower back when he talks to you for no reason at all. 0.98

02:22:35.000 It was just like, you know, but he was a cartoon character of Donald Trump.

02:22:40.000 I mean, it's like he's the erstats version of Donald Trump.

02:22:43.000 It's so surreal at this point.

02:22:46.000 But I saw him sort of knowing all of his shortcomings.

02:22:49.000 This is before anyone actually thought he would become president.

02:22:53.000 Not that the other candidates didn't have shortcomings, but he said to all of the people, he pointed them all out, and he was like, you've asked me for money, you've asked me for money, and it was so ballsy and courageous.

02:23:07.000 And I was like, my primal brain was like, if there's an earthquake, I'm going with that guy.

02:23:12.000 Yeah.

02:23:12.000 I think we're all in such a survivalist mindset with what's happened with the economy and people are struggling for- I get it, you know?

02:23:19.000 And I was like, yep, that guy's the most fearless motherfucker of the bunch. 0.97

02:23:23.000 Everybody is so calculated and scared and reserved and- They weren't prepared for that. 0.99

02:23:28.000 I don't think politics in general was prepared for someone with that mindset. 0.99

02:23:31.000 Someone who can rebound from that grab the pussy thing and be like, it was locker room talk. 1.00

02:23:35.000 But he didn't care. 0.99

02:23:36.000 If he had apologized, we would have been pissed.

02:23:38.000 I mean, at least his supporters would have been pissed.

02:23:40.000 He didn't apologize.

02:23:41.000 He's like, yeah, I said it. 0.99

02:23:42.000 There's something in our primal brains that's like, yes, that guy can protect me when shit goes down. 0.97

02:23:47.000 Well, there's also, like, people are tired of really ultra-left-wing, nanny-state-type people that want to tell you what you can say and what you can't say and how to behave and trigger words. 0.96

02:24:01.000 And you're so good at, like, you're not contributing to this problem.

02:24:04.000 You're part of this solution of, like, I think there's also, like we were talking about earlier, with Catholic schools and the pendulum swinging of this, like, hyper-political correctness. 0.99

02:24:11.000 And then just this reaction of, like, this motherfucker does not care. 1.00

02:24:14.000 He's saying Muslims are bad and they're raping. 1.00

02:24:17.000 Like, he's saying what our crazy uncle says at dinner every night, you know? 1.00

02:24:20.000 And, like, there's just something brave about it that's attractive.

02:24:25.000 I think there is hope that someone is going to recognize the positive elements of that kind of, not total, like, disregard for the way people view him, But having the confidence to be yourself and then meeting much closer to the middle in terms of being compassionate and kind and being open-minded.

02:24:45.000 But not apologetic and weak and scared.

02:24:48.000 I think you can be both.

02:24:50.000 And the Democratic Party is showing a lack of people who are unapologetic, fearless, and have aplomb.

02:25:02.000 Yeah, there's also, it's interesting watching people that he's trying to assign to different cabinet positions backing out.

02:25:09.000 They're like, nope, sorry. 0.97

02:25:11.000 They're like, no amount of money can deal with the hate threats and the pussy hats out my front door. 1.00

02:25:16.000 It's just, it's so... 0.91

02:25:19.000 It's detrimental to your career.

02:25:20.000 And if they think the boat is sinking, like, oh, this boat might make it across the ocean, but it might not.

02:25:24.000 I'm good.

02:25:25.000 I could also just, yeah.

02:25:26.000 It's a fascinating time, I think, to explore the kind of things that you explore on your show, which is like human nature and our primordial instincts.

02:25:34.000 Because this has been, I think, the most tribal, primal thing I've witnessed in my lifetime.

02:25:39.000 I've never seen so much separation between the left and the right and the anger and fury that's going on today.

02:25:46.000 There was a great article in, I think it was Scientific American, I think, about when people are wrong about something.

02:25:54.000 Because here's the other thing, like even if you voted for Trump and he promised you, you know, manufacturing jobs would come back, which is...

02:25:59.000 Yeah.

02:26:17.000 Can people say, you know what, I was wrong. 0.99

02:26:19.000 That guy fucking lied to me. 0.99

02:26:20.000 It's so hard for us to do that because of our ego. 0.99

02:26:23.000 And there was an article in Scientific American how people, and granted, I'm sure this study was skewed, and it's a specific, you know, group of people that sign up for a study, but that when someone was wrong, when someone told them they were wrong, it made them believe their point even more.

02:26:38.000 I don't know.

02:26:40.000 I'll send it to you.

02:26:42.000 They double down.

02:26:43.000 They double down.

02:26:44.000 But if you say to them, and I think it's the CIA that uses this as a form of questioning, is that you first have to legitimize their position before you suggest that there might be something flawed about it.

02:26:53.000 So you go like, you know, I totally understand that you would think that, you know, the earth is flat.

02:26:58.000 I can see why you would thought that.

02:27:00.000 I mean, you grew up here.

02:27:01.000 Of course you thought that.

02:27:02.000 If you empathize with them first and then say, you know, but turns out it's round, they'll more...

02:27:07.000 They're more likely to come around, but if you just say hey, you know that's fucking wrong, and if you show them proof, they double down even further on there.

02:27:15.000 What's the worst thing you say to someone who's upset?

02:27:17.000 Calm down!

02:27:18.000 Relax! 0.99

02:27:19.000 Yeah, they just get fucking furious. 0.98

02:27:21.000 It's a non-respecting thing. 0.97

02:27:25.000 You're not respecting the person's state of mind.

02:27:27.000 You're not objectively stepping back and looking, how does this person really feel right now, and what's the best way to talk to them? 0.99

02:27:32.000 You're demoralizing, and what we're all doing is demoralizing each other by going, you're fucking wrong, you're stupid, And something that was interesting, and I know that I'm in Hollywood and I don't know anything about politics. 0.98

02:27:42.000 I know, you don't have to tweet it. 1.00

02:27:43.000 I know.

02:27:44.000 But one thing I do know is that, and I was sort of fascinated by the comedian's role in this election, because as the news fails us in a lot of ways, comedians sometimes tend to sort of show up and tell the truth.

02:27:58.000 But in every movie, the underdog always has to win.

02:28:02.000 And, right?

02:28:03.000 It's just Rudy. 1.00

02:28:04.000 Fucking baseball. 1.00

02:28:06.000 What is the field of dreams? 1.00

02:28:08.000 Rocky! 0.85

02:28:08.000 Exactly. 0.85

02:28:09.000 So I was like, everybody beating up on him, you're just making him the underdog.

02:28:13.000 And underdogs always have to win.

02:28:15.000 It's just like some weird human nature thing.

02:28:17.000 Sort of, but isn't he also the president?

02:28:18.000 Like, you can't really be the underdog and be the president, can you?

02:28:21.000 Don't you think he was the underdog?

02:28:22.000 I think during the election, we were all beating up on him. 1.00

02:28:25.000 And I think we were going, he's stupid, you're dumb, you're not qualified. 1.00

02:28:28.000 And then everyone was like, oh, we gotta fucking root for that guy. 1.00

02:28:30.000 Because we were, you know. 0.98

02:28:31.000 Yeah.

02:28:32.000 He's going to take the establishment down. 1.00

02:28:34.000 But meanwhile, he's bringing in all these fucking bankers and Exxon people. 0.99

02:28:37.000 Yeah, and people tweeting about him just gave him hundreds of millions of dollars of free press. 0.98

02:28:40.000 It was just sort of interesting how we sort of hoodwinked ourselves.

02:28:43.000 Well, not just tweeting about him.

02:28:45.000 The things that he said were the things that CNN decided they were going to cover and now he won't let CNN into the Fascinating.

02:28:51.000 Or the New York Times.

02:28:53.000 Fascinating.

02:28:53.000 He wouldn't let the New York Times into the press gaggle.

02:28:56.000 But he let Infowars and all these other weird websites.

02:29:01.000 I mean, it's very odd.

02:29:04.000 That's unprecedented that he's limiting access.

02:29:10.000 To the press.

02:29:11.000 You know, he filed for re-election five hours after he won.

02:29:14.000 I mean, this guy is like, you know, and there's something amazing about it.

02:29:19.000 Like, he has figured out a way to hypnotize a nation, a world.

02:29:26.000 I mean, there's something just so primal at play.

02:29:28.000 Well, he's juking the system in the same way he's juked the system with taxes and With, you know, with filing for bankruptcy.

02:29:34.000 Well, it's interesting because we're mostly designed to follow rules and to comply with what is socially acceptable, right?

02:29:39.000 That's like how we get dopamine is like, just fit in, be part of the pack.

02:29:41.000 That's how you stay safe.

02:29:42.000 And he is not one of those people.

02:29:44.000 And it's just pretty fascinating.

02:29:46.000 No, not by any stretch of the imagination.

02:29:48.000 It's unprecedented that this person that lies all the time.

02:29:53.000 Pathologically.

02:29:53.000 Yeah, pathologically.

02:29:54.000 Yeah.

02:29:55.000 But he's getting called on it, though, which is weird.

02:29:57.000 Did you see that?

02:29:58.000 The reporter who said to him, you said that you won by the largest margin ever.

02:30:04.000 And he was like, someone told me that.

02:30:06.000 Yeah.

02:30:06.000 Well, he said, well, it was amongst Republicans.

02:30:08.000 And then he said, no, because George H.W. Bush had a larger Electoral College victory.

02:30:14.000 He's like, well, it's what they told me.

02:30:15.000 It's what I've been told.

02:30:16.000 But there's also with, and this is sort of back to the horse thing, like, it doesn't matter what you say, it matters how you say it.

02:30:21.000 Right. 0.98

02:30:22.000 And do people care if they're being lied to, if they're being lied to in an authoritative way with someone who seems very confident, like they know what they're fucking doing. 0.92

02:30:30.000 But it's going to chip away at him, though. 0.53

02:30:32.000 This is what I really believe, that all these times where he's being checked, like, this is the reason why he won't go to the White House press correspondence dinner.

02:30:38.000 Right.

02:30:39.000 Like, that's weird.

02:30:41.000 That's a tradition.

02:30:42.000 Remember when he wouldn't go on the debates?

02:30:44.000 He wouldn't go on CNN? This has been going on where he just refuses to be president.

02:30:48.000 Hasn't he not even moved in?

02:30:50.000 He's been golfing most of his presidency and it's cost us money.

02:30:54.000 He sends his kids on these business trips.

02:30:57.000 To go set up hotels in the countries that don't...

02:31:00.000 We have to protect his kids.

02:31:01.000 Do people care?

02:31:02.000 I can't tell if people care.

02:31:04.000 They don't know yet.

02:31:05.000 They don't know.

02:31:06.000 It's only been 30-something days.

02:31:08.000 How long has he been in the White House?

02:31:10.000 Yeah, so he's been in the White House a little over a month.

02:31:13.000 Yeah, and most people are just living their lives and they're busy and they just don't even have time.

02:31:18.000 It takes a while for all that information to trickle into the entire country.

02:31:21.000 Yeah.

02:31:22.000 Like it's getting into some people.

02:31:23.000 There's people that are furious.

02:31:24.000 There's, you know, there's New York Times writers who are writing on it on a daily basis and there's all these different authors.

02:31:30.000 Yeah.

02:31:30.000 I mean, I just think there's something to be said for, and I'm working on this in my life, to be able to be like, I was wrong.

02:31:36.000 You got me good.

02:31:37.000 You hoodwinked me, and I'm wrong, and now what?

02:31:40.000 Do you think that people are going to do that, though?

02:31:42.000 I don't know.

02:31:42.000 That's acquiescing to the left.

02:31:44.000 Or just being sane, going like, I was bamboozled.

02:31:50.000 But being sane doesn't work when you have these party politics things.

02:31:54.000 Yeah, it's so tribal.

02:31:55.000 Yeah, it's so tribal.

02:31:56.000 It's so team-oriented.

02:31:58.000 I mean, it's just something that's ingrained in us to have an enemy and a team.

02:32:03.000 Yeah.

02:32:04.000 Fight with and then it becomes all about our projections like I mean it's really been hard because I'm trying to sort of like especially going on stage like I had a riot breakout in Napa people started fighting you know in a crowd.

02:32:14.000 What were you talking about when they rioted?

02:32:16.000 This was before the election and I really start out with being like you know what politics is not my thing there's people who are much better at it and I let them do it if you want to talk about squirting you come to me but like I know my I stay in my lane and But this felt like something that was just, you know, beyond something that almost feels weird to ignore it on stage.

02:32:35.000 It's like the elephant in the living room.

02:32:36.000 And so I was talking about it, and I was like, look, I'm not saying who I think should win.

02:32:40.000 I think both candidates have flaws.

02:32:41.000 I think there's one that's less flawed, but whatever.

02:32:45.000 And I said something about, you know, if Bill is in the White House, because it would be the first female president, it was just something about, like, what happens with the first female president and how I think that there should be a rule saying that The first female... 0.59

02:32:58.000 Can she...

02:32:59.000 Because the woman doesn't have... 1.00

02:33:00.000 She doesn't have time to fuck him. 1.00

02:33:01.000 She doesn't have time. 1.00

02:33:03.000 And this woman yelled out. 1.00

02:33:05.000 She was like, How dare you?

02:33:07.000 Talk about Hillary. 1.00

02:33:09.000 This is one of the most conservative areas in the country.

02:33:12.000 You need to know your audience.

02:33:13.000 This lady said that to you? 1.00

02:33:14.000 She was in the second row. 0.99

02:33:15.000 She was with me the entire time.

02:33:17.000 Turns on me.

02:33:18.000 And I was like...

02:33:20.000 You need to know your audience.

02:33:22.000 And I... Now I realize wrongly, was like, oh no, you need to know you're a comedian. 0.99

02:33:27.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

02:33:29.000 How's that bad? 0.99

02:33:31.000 That's right.

02:33:32.000 I thought so.

02:33:34.000 But...

02:33:35.000 Then the audience all went after her, and then she had a bunch of people with her, and it was just turned into a melee.

02:33:42.000 That sounds awesome.

02:33:44.000 You would have loved it.

02:33:45.000 Plus, you're in Napa. 1.00

02:33:46.000 They're probably drunk as fuck. 1.00

02:33:48.000 Shit-faced. 1.00

02:33:49.000 I was so scared, because no one was tractable. 0.99

02:33:54.000 It wasn't like, oh, the bodyguard.

02:33:55.000 It was like everybody was getting up and fighting with everybody.

02:33:57.000 And so I hadn't really talked about it on stage, but it's just so deep.

02:34:02.000 It's so visceral with people.

02:34:04.000 It's like we're in a war.

02:34:05.000 I mean, this country's in a psychological war.

02:34:07.000 A psychological civil war.

02:34:08.000 Yeah.

02:34:08.000 And you can't bring it up with anybody.

02:34:11.000 It just is like, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around.

02:34:13.000 This is the first time I think I've ever even talked about it.

02:34:15.000 I don't even tweet about it.

02:34:16.000 I just kind of like...

02:34:17.000 How'd the show end?

02:34:19.000 Fire.

02:34:20.000 Quickly.

02:34:21.000 Earthquake.

02:34:22.000 I got my check and it cleared.

02:34:24.000 But no, they had to be, like, 16 people had to be removed.

02:34:28.000 Whoa, 16?

02:34:29.000 Yeah.

02:34:30.000 Did the show go on?

02:34:31.000 The show went on, yes.

02:34:32.000 Did you have a good time with it?

02:34:33.000 And I ended up, I mean, for me, like, if someone tells me, I just had to, so I had to go harder at the political thing.

02:34:40.000 But it's the kind of thing where I thrive in adrenaline and conflict. 0.97

02:34:44.000 I was just like, bitches, this is how I grew up. 1.00

02:34:47.000 I'm looking for an excuse to fight people. 1.00

02:34:49.000 Don't do this. 0.99

02:34:50.000 Don't you think also starting out and doing a lot of work at the Comedy Store, which has no fucking crowd control. 0.93

02:34:57.000 I'm an original room comic. 0.99

02:34:58.000 You fucked with the wrong monster. 0.99

02:35:01.000 But the idea is she could say, know your audience. 1.00

02:35:03.000 It's the most conservative place in the country.

02:35:05.000 She just was like, cater your material to us. 0.99

02:35:11.000 Which was just so, yeah.

02:35:12.000 Know your audience.

02:35:13.000 She was one of those, I mean, it was really demeaning.

02:35:17.000 And I think I also got very deeply insulted.

02:35:20.000 I was a slot machine or a jukebox where she puts money in and I'm just supposed to do what she wants me to do. 0.98

02:35:27.000 And I was like, comedians, we're the only ones left Who are taking risks and saying shit that no one else will say. 0.99

02:35:35.000 How dare you? 0.98

02:35:36.000 I felt like it was an attack on free speech in general.

02:35:39.000 Well, people have their ideas of what you're supposed to do.

02:35:42.000 This is how you're supposed to behave if you're a this.

02:35:45.000 This is how you're supposed to be.

02:35:46.000 You have a bedside manner if you're a doctor, if you're a comedian.

02:35:49.000 You have to tailor your jokes.

02:35:51.000 I think it's like, if you're, I mean, I'm in comedy, so I think if a comedian doesn't make you a little uncomfortable at some point, we're kind of not doing our job, you know?

02:36:00.000 I always think it's hilarious when someone tells you not to talk about something.

02:36:03.000 Like, someone tells you, next subject!

02:36:05.000 Have you ever had someone to yell out, next subject!

02:36:08.000 Oh my gosh.

02:36:10.000 I've had some pretty...

02:36:11.000 Drop it.

02:36:12.000 Well, I've had...

02:36:13.000 Sometimes Kevin Christie pointed out to me one time that about...

02:36:18.000 Because he opened for me a long time, about 45 minutes into my set, someone always turns on me.

02:36:24.000 It's usually a man who just has had a drink and I turn into their wife. 1.00

02:36:29.000 Like a woman talking into a microphone at you for that long, I will become your mother, your ex-wife, the girl who didn't fuck you in high school. 1.00

02:36:36.000 Especially the booze. 1.00

02:36:37.000 The booze.

02:36:39.000 And one time we were in La Jolla, which you know is the most chaotic group of drunk people.

02:36:46.000 Xanax.

02:36:47.000 And I did this joke about how guys ages ago, every guy has a jar of coins in their house somewhere, like pennies, or like a bowl of coins, and everyone's laughing,

02:37:04.000 and this guy just snaps at me. 1.00

02:37:06.000 He had been in the front row laughing the entire time, and he was just like, that's so we can pay for your shit! 1.00

02:37:14.000 And very quickly I realized that I had transmogrified into someone. 0.99

02:37:22.000 So it's triggering.

02:37:23.000 I mean, going to see comedy can be triggering.

02:37:25.000 I think it should be.

02:37:26.000 That's heavy.

02:37:27.000 Yeah, it should be.

02:37:28.000 Obviously I went to sort of a different place.

02:37:30.000 But yeah, we basically trigger drunk people for a living that just want to be heard.

02:37:35.000 Yeah, but that's so innocuous.

02:37:36.000 Why would anybody be upset that you have a jar of coins?

02:37:39.000 I mean, it's kind of funny because a lot of guys do.

02:37:41.000 They have a jar and they chuck coins in it and then they eventually bring it to the bank and go, do something with this.

02:37:45.000 Yeah, it was just like a shitty observational joke from six years ago.

02:37:48.000 But I get a lot of times, the most annoying thing is actually just when people are like, so true! 1.00

02:37:56.000 You're like, what?

02:37:59.000 For me, the backhanded compliments after the show are always the worst.

02:38:05.000 Like, you're really funny for a girl? 0.54

02:38:06.000 Or like, I don't care what anyone says, you're hilarious.

02:38:10.000 Oh! 0.60

02:38:11.000 And stuff like that.

02:38:12.000 Hey, hey, don't...

02:38:13.000 My friend hates you, but I think you're pretty good.

02:38:15.000 Don't listen to them.

02:38:16.000 You're amazing.

02:38:17.000 Whoa.

02:38:18.000 You know, just sort of like...

02:38:19.000 There's so many crazy people you have to talk to.

02:38:20.000 Are you really 34? 0.92

02:38:21.000 I mean, I get. 1.00

02:38:22.000 You're the craziest. 1.00

02:38:26.000 The craziest. 1.00

02:38:27.000 I mean, you're so much prettier in person. 0.81

02:38:30.000 You're actually really pretty.

02:38:31.000 Well, that's actually nice.

02:38:33.000 That's a nice thing to say.

02:38:34.000 If there's ever an actually...

02:38:35.000 You're actually funny.

02:38:37.000 But that's...

02:38:37.000 Yeah.

02:38:39.000 Well, don't you think people are just awkward?

02:38:41.000 Yes, people get awkward.

02:38:42.000 Well, I mean, just like a guy trying to contact you on a dating app.

02:38:46.000 They don't know how to.

02:38:47.000 Like, so you think you're pretty funny, huh?

02:38:49.000 Yeah.

02:38:49.000 I'm like, no, I have really low self-esteem.

02:38:51.000 Next question.

02:38:52.000 You see him sitting in front of his phone trying to think of the right thing to say.

02:38:56.000 Do you get people...

02:38:58.000 You must have people...

02:38:59.000 Because I think for comics, like with celebrities who are like movie stars, people are like, oh my god, That's Emily Blunt.

02:39:05.000 Or whatever.

02:39:06.000 Right?

02:39:06.000 Yeah.

02:39:07.000 But with us, they're like, what's up, buddy?

02:39:09.000 Like, they think we're friends.

02:39:10.000 Right.

02:39:11.000 I find, at least with me, and people are super comfortable with me.

02:39:15.000 Even more so because of the podcast.

02:39:17.000 Yeah.

02:39:17.000 Do people just come up to you and they're just like, hey, man.

02:39:20.000 All the time.

02:39:20.000 I used to fight.

02:39:22.000 Yeah, they just want to talk about all kinds of things.

02:39:23.000 But the problem is, like, sometimes I'm with my kids and they just want to talk to me.

02:39:26.000 I'm like, I can't talk to you right now.

02:39:27.000 What do you do?

02:39:27.000 You just say...

02:39:28.000 I tell you, I'm with my family, man.

02:39:29.000 I gotta go.

02:39:30.000 Yeah.

02:39:30.000 Yeah, like, I can't...

02:39:31.000 Hey, man, I gotta ask you a question.

02:39:32.000 You know, boop, boop, boop, boop. 0.98

02:39:33.000 And they'll just go into these in-depth questions like, this is not happening.

02:39:36.000 I'm holding the hand of a six-year-old right now.

02:39:38.000 And I'm on my way to do something.

02:39:39.000 Like, this is not...

02:39:40.000 We're not gonna sit here for half an hour so you can talk about Conor McGregor.

02:39:43.000 I mean, it's a victory that you have created such a group of people who are so into...

02:39:47.000 I have people come up to me about your show quite a lot at the gym.

02:39:52.000 At the gym?

02:39:52.000 Yeah.

02:39:53.000 When you're not talking about anal sex? 0.99

02:39:54.000 It's always, yeah, they're like, hey, so I... I don't buttfuck in my personal life, but what I do is listen to you on podcasts. 0.99

02:40:01.000 People know so much about us that, I mean, it is tricky.

02:40:04.000 I don't have a family, but when I'm on dates and people are like, hey, how's your knee?

02:40:08.000 I'm like, what?

02:40:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:40:10.000 Guys are always like, who is this person?

02:40:12.000 I'm like, I've never met this person.

02:40:13.000 They're like, why do they know more about you than I do?

02:40:15.000 Yeah.

02:40:16.000 Well, you get exposed in a weird way when you do these long-form conversations.

02:40:20.000 It's true.

02:40:20.000 I forget it.

02:40:21.000 You can't hide.

02:40:23.000 That's who you are, you know?

02:40:25.000 Yeah.

02:40:25.000 But it's like, I definitely, I mean, I would imagine your listeners know more about you than your wife does.

02:40:30.000 No, she knows a lot about me.

02:40:32.000 Yeah.

02:40:32.000 Does she listen?

02:40:33.000 Yeah, she listens too.

02:40:34.000 Really?

02:40:35.000 Yeah.

02:40:35.000 Hey, girl.

02:40:35.000 Hey, what's up?

02:40:36.000 Hey, girl. 0.99

02:40:37.000 She was listening to me and Ron White and she just goes, comedians are so fucking weird. 0.89

02:40:42.000 She's like, you guys are so honest. 0.99

02:40:45.000 You reveal shit that people would hide to their deathbed. 1.00

02:40:51.000 It's true. 1.00

02:40:51.000 And you guys are talking about it and laughing like Ron White was talking about accidentally getting his dick sucked by a bunch of guys. 1.00

02:40:57.000 I know it. 1.00

02:40:58.000 You know what's really weird?

02:40:59.000 I listened to the Ron White episode.

02:41:02.000 I'm obsessed with Ron in a million ways.

02:41:05.000 And I remember when he said, I just want respect from my peers.

02:41:09.000 And I was, you know, when we say things that no one else, everyone thinks, but no one else says, I think it gives grace to them.

02:41:15.000 So I think we sort of serve that purpose.

02:41:17.000 Well, I think that's got to be the worst thing in the world is even being successful.

02:41:22.000 I know we can name a few people that are like this, but even being successful, hated and despised by their peers.

02:41:28.000 And it's like, you don't, you're a man without a country.

02:41:31.000 Like you're You're lost.

02:41:33.000 The only people that understood me now...

02:41:34.000 Well, that happened when I got a TV show and all the comedy store and the comics there were like my family.

02:41:41.000 And then I got a show and then all of a sudden everyone was mad at me.

02:41:45.000 I wish I was around back then.

02:41:47.000 I'm trying to think when that was.

02:41:49.000 It was like five, six years ago maybe?

02:41:51.000 Yeah.

02:41:51.000 It was the loneliest I've ever felt.

02:41:53.000 I was like, the only people who understand me now hate me.

02:41:56.000 I got so jealous and weak.

02:41:57.000 It was awful.

02:41:58.000 It was terrible.

02:41:59.000 I now know that it was just them being insecure and then everyone's got a show now.

02:42:05.000 There's a lot of people that do have this feeling that's never going to happen for them.

02:42:09.000 And there's no greater way to ensure that it's never going to happen for you than to have this feeling and ride it out that it's never going to happen for you.

02:42:17.000 It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

02:42:19.000 It's like the opposite of a placebo effect.

02:42:22.000 Yeah, and then look, when it happens, you better be ready because it's not going to work if you're not ready.

02:42:27.000 Right, and even if you're ready, it might not work.

02:42:29.000 And if it doesn't work, you can't think it's the end of time.

02:42:32.000 You've got to keep going.

02:42:33.000 You've got to keep hammering.

02:42:35.000 If you haven't healed the wound that made you want the thing in the first place, the thing is not going to fix it.

02:42:39.000 Absolutely.

02:42:40.000 I've gone into depth with comedians about that because I think that's an important thing to think. 0.98

02:42:45.000 We all start out from a fucked up place.

02:42:47.000 Every comedian that's any good starts out from a place of insecurity and weakness and then somewhere along the line you've got to become more secure and then it's going to become about art. 0.96

02:42:58.000 It's got to become about creating something that's good that people enjoy.

02:43:01.000 And then it's got to be about doing something that's going to enhance people's experience.

02:43:07.000 They're going to go to see you, and for an hour and a half, that show is going to be so fun, they're going to literally feel better.

02:43:14.000 And it's got to be that.

02:43:15.000 You're a healer.

02:43:16.000 Yeah.

02:43:16.000 And whatever good feeling you get out of that, here's the sacrifice.

02:43:20.000 You're not going to enjoy it at all. 0.99

02:43:22.000 I enjoy onstage killing, but the creating and the process and the going over the material and writing and the chipping away at your fucking, why does this suck? 1.00

02:43:33.000 This topic sucks. 0.99

02:43:34.000 Should I abandon it or should I just keep working at it? 1.00

02:43:37.000 Or it's working, but it's fucking cheap. 0.99

02:43:39.000 And why the fuck are you guys laughing at this? 1.00

02:43:41.000 This sucks. 1.00

02:43:42.000 You can't do that either, right? 0.99

02:43:43.000 Yeah, that's sort of self-loathing.

02:43:45.000 It's like figuring out a way to heal the wound that made you funny, but also stay funny.

02:43:51.000 So can you be healthy and funny?

02:43:53.000 I think that's my biggest...

02:43:55.000 You can be.

02:43:56.000 But it's not easy.

02:43:57.000 It's definitely a bouncing act. 1.00

02:43:58.000 And there's something that happens to comedians when they become famous that their main motivation was to get that love and then they get it and then they fucking suck. 0.99

02:44:07.000 Something happens. 0.99

02:44:08.000 You get complacent, you stop needing the approval or you stop, you know, that's the perfectionism thing.

02:44:13.000 Because perfectionism is a lot of why I'm like so like, you know, my bar is so high for what to say on stage.

02:44:18.000 And if I lower that bar, is it going to be less quality, you know?

02:44:22.000 You seem like you just need more reinforcement personally in your personal life to relax your perfectionism in your career.

02:44:32.000 That's what I would think.

02:44:33.000 And I think you're right.

02:44:34.000 And I think what happened is I think a lot of people are like, what do you mean?

02:44:36.000 You made it.

02:44:37.000 Everyone knows you.

02:44:38.000 And you're like, well, no, that means I have to be even better.

02:44:41.000 Right.

02:44:41.000 Like the bar is now higher.

02:44:43.000 That's why you're scared to do a set at the Ice House.

02:44:45.000 Well, I'm just kind of like, and we've talked about this, I have an allergy to doing old material, and it makes me feel like a phony.

02:44:53.000 That's good.

02:44:54.000 You should give it to some people I know.

02:44:55.000 Yeah. 0.72

02:44:57.000 Can you spit in their mouth? 0.90

02:44:58.000 I feel...

02:45:00.000 That's a thing, by the way.

02:45:01.000 There's a lot of open your mouth so I can spit in it happening. 1.00

02:45:04.000 Do you guys think we like that?

02:45:06.000 I'm going to talk directly to camera. 0.94

02:45:08.000 There's a lot of let me spit in your mouth. 1.00

02:45:10.000 Actually, I'd rather you spit on my face. 1.00

02:45:12.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:45:12.000 Spitting in the mouth is like, then I have to swallow. 0.99

02:45:15.000 You mean sexually? 0.98

02:45:16.000 People spit in your mouth? 0.99

02:45:17.000 Yeah, a lot of spit in your mouth.

02:45:17.000 Jesus Christ.

02:45:18.000 Let me spit in your mouth. 1.00

02:45:19.000 Don't. 1.00

02:45:19.000 When did cum in your mouth become so boring? 1.00

02:45:22.000 Now there's the spitting in the mouth. 0.99

02:45:24.000 There's a lot of spitting.

02:45:25.000 Sigh.

02:45:25.000 I don't know.

02:45:26.000 A lot of spitting.

02:45:26.000 I don't get it.

02:45:28.000 Degradation.

02:45:29.000 Yeah, I'm not...

02:45:30.000 I don't get it.

02:45:31.000 I have heard, though.

02:45:32.000 I heard from a guy I know I'm obsessed with.

02:45:34.000 What's the most disrespectful thing a woman could do? 1.00

02:45:36.000 And I've had a couple guys say, spit in my face.

02:45:39.000 Just, I mean, in general.

02:45:40.000 Like, not sexual.

02:45:41.000 Oh, like a woman who doesn't like you? 0.99

02:45:43.000 Yeah, like, or if you're like, you know, this guy, I know his wife spit in his face when they were in a fight.

02:45:49.000 And he was like, I... He's like, it took every...

02:45:52.000 A molecule in my body not to...

02:45:55.000 Not to what?

02:45:55.000 Spit back or hit her?

02:45:56.000 Or just lose my mind and kill her. 1.00

02:45:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:45:59.000 That was his, the most disrespectful.

02:46:01.000 Because I'm always interested in what, you know, people...

02:46:03.000 Did he stay with her?

02:46:04.000 Yeah.

02:46:04.000 She's still married.

02:46:05.000 Three kids.

02:46:05.000 Hilarious.

02:46:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:46:07.000 What a bitch. 1.00

02:46:07.000 He's in the military. 1.00

02:46:09.000 Like, he's all about respect and whatever.

02:46:11.000 So she was trying to push those buttons. 0.54

02:46:12.000 But he's like, she can slap me all day long.

02:46:14.000 But spitting in my face, that is the most disrespectful thing you can do to a man.

02:46:17.000 It's a very dangerous thing when you get physical with people.

02:46:19.000 Yeah.

02:46:20.000 Super dangerous.

02:46:21.000 It's very interesting.

02:46:23.000 I have a very high tolerance for physical disrespect.

02:46:27.000 Really?

02:46:28.000 I mean, and I was dealing with this with my horse the other day.

02:46:31.000 Your horse was disrespecting you?

02:46:32.000 Well, horses, so you have to claim your space with a horse and you have to draw a boundary if you guys are going to be around because they can kill you. 0.68

02:46:39.000 Right.

02:46:39.000 And I don't really do it with dogs.

02:46:41.000 You have to do it with dogs.

02:46:42.000 You should bring a taser.

02:46:43.000 I mean, yeah, you just sort of claim your space and they actually respect you more and like you more when you have self-respect and you have sort of your boundary or else they'll just walk all over you.

02:46:52.000 I mean, it's metaphorical.

02:46:53.000 You don't seem to have this problem in your life.

02:46:55.000 But with dogs, you also, for a dog to lay on top of you, that's dominant.

02:46:59.000 We mistake it as like, we're good.

02:47:01.000 But they're actually in your space, and they're like, oh, well, I own you now.

02:47:05.000 Really?

02:47:05.000 Yeah.

02:47:05.000 So a lot of times with my dogs, especially since I get rescue dogs who are unpredictable, and pit bulls have a very high arousal rate, so I can't just let them lay on me all night long and stuff.

02:47:14.000 I have to then go, now you're off of me, and you're my bitch. 1.00

02:47:18.000 I'm not your bitch. 1.00

02:47:19.000 Because that could backfire later. 0.99

02:47:22.000 Jesus.

02:47:22.000 Yeah.

02:47:23.000 Yeah, dogs are so weird when you rescue them because you just don't know what the fuck they had to deal with. 0.99

02:47:28.000 You just don't know. 0.98

02:47:29.000 Yeah, and I made some major mistakes of mistaking physical proximity with like trust and we'll be fine.

02:47:38.000 Yeah, especially when they're full grown.

02:47:39.000 Yeah, because if they get possessive of you or attached to you or we sometimes think that's like so cute, but sometimes it's actually dominant.

02:47:46.000 Well, it's also when you bring other people into your life, and then this dog decides that other people are stealing you from them, and they get aggressive towards the other person, it becomes an issue.

02:47:55.000 Yeah, well, I mean, it's really dogs are just extensions of their owner.

02:47:58.000 Like, you also have to let them know, like, I can talk to whoever the fuck I want, and you're not allowed to have a problem with it.

02:48:04.000 So they're not allowed to get possessive over you like that if you train them properly.

02:48:08.000 You know what's interesting?

02:48:09.000 That puppy that I got, the golden, we brought him home and he gives everyone kisses, everyone kisses, everyone kisses.

02:48:15.000 He's so sweet.

02:48:16.000 Then he gets to me and he wants to bite my face.

02:48:18.000 He bites my face and he plays super rough with me, like right away.

02:48:22.000 He was like nipping at me, not hard, like he wasn't hurting me, but he's like, you're so fun.

02:48:27.000 Yeah.

02:48:29.000 I think he thinks I'm an animal.

02:48:30.000 Have you put his lip under his teeth?

02:48:34.000 No.

02:48:34.000 You put your lip just so that they learn how sharp their own teeth are.

02:48:38.000 And then also bite them back.

02:48:41.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:48:42.000 That's what I do, bite them back. 1.00

02:48:43.000 Yeah, I usually just put him on his back and go, hey, cut the shit from my face. 1.00

02:48:46.000 Yeah, hold him down with both of his, you know. 1.00

02:48:49.000 Yeah, and he's trying to bite me when I'm doing it.

02:48:50.000 Yeah, because their mouth is their hands. 1.00

02:48:52.000 Like, he's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to hurt you.

02:48:54.000 No, he's sweet, but he thinks my six-year-old is a puppy.

02:48:58.000 It's hilarious.

02:48:59.000 That's so funny.

02:48:59.000 That's like his little puppy buddy.

02:49:01.000 Yeah.

02:49:01.000 Like, he bites her clothes and stuff.

02:49:02.000 We have to keep him from doing that.

02:49:03.000 And he's not being mean at all.

02:49:05.000 Well, they don't care about clothes.

02:49:07.000 No.

02:49:07.000 What is that?

02:49:08.000 And they don't know until you tell them what is wrong.

02:49:11.000 People are so bad at training their dogs, it's shocking.

02:49:14.000 Like what I see just in the streets when I see someone with their dog, their dog's tugging and they're like, what are you doing?

02:49:19.000 I'm like, oh, is your dog the one that speaks English and no sarcasm?

02:49:24.000 Would you stop that?

02:49:25.000 It's just like the way you're saying it does not match what you're saying and that's not a command.

02:49:30.000 So I'm really into training dogs in a very rigorous way.

02:49:33.000 Yeah, me too.

02:49:33.000 You also have to, like, I'm teaching my kids, like, you can't, the dog doesn't understand his name being used a bunch of different ways.

02:49:39.000 Like, Marshall.

02:49:41.000 No, no.

02:49:41.000 Marshall.

02:49:42.000 Yep, agreed.

02:49:42.000 Marshall.

02:49:43.000 I go, you gotta say no.

02:49:44.000 Children don't even understand that, and sarcasm, you know?

02:49:47.000 And, yeah, and people, I think, mistake, and they conflate discipline with, like, being mean to the dog or something.

02:49:53.000 It's just not true.

02:49:54.000 That's hilarious.

02:49:55.000 Discipline is so nice to a dog.

02:49:58.000 But also when I see people, I've seen some real disasters with placing dogs in homes where people don't train their kids how to deal with dogs.

02:50:07.000 A child's going to get their face bitten off.

02:50:10.000 I get so scared because people just let their kid hit the dog in the face and shake their face.

02:50:15.000 And I'm like, you have to train your child also.

02:50:17.000 Yeah.

02:50:18.000 Especially a dog dog.

02:50:20.000 There's a danger in bringing a dog around children in the first place.

02:50:23.000 A lot of times they think kids are like another dog.

02:50:26.000 And my dogs are giant.

02:50:27.000 My dog hurts me.

02:50:28.000 They hurt me by accident all of the time and I'm an adult.

02:50:32.000 Like I'll bend over to pick something up and they'll come by.

02:50:34.000 They headbutt you.

02:50:35.000 Yes, they don't mean to.

02:50:36.000 No, they just have iron heads. 0.96

02:50:38.000 Yeah, just block heads. 0.85

02:50:40.000 And so my big dog is a Great Dane Pitbull, and he just knocks me out.

02:50:44.000 Jesus Christ, that's a giant dog.

02:50:46.000 All the time.

02:50:47.000 So when kids come over, they go in the crates.

02:50:49.000 They're not going to attack them, but why do people want to take chances?

02:50:52.000 Let's take a selfie with the dog.

02:50:54.000 Just put it in a crate.

02:50:56.000 Super dangerous.

02:50:57.000 It's got razor blades in its mouth.

02:50:59.000 It's going to make a mistake sooner or later.

02:51:02.000 I used to be really naive about it, but...

02:51:05.000 It's interesting with German Shepherds, apparently, and Akita's. 0.98

02:51:09.000 I always say, if anything looks too much like a wolf, be fucking super careful around kids with it.

02:51:16.000 There's this guy that has really been helping me, this guy, Brandon McMillan. 0.74

02:51:19.000 He's got a show called Lucky Dog on CBS, and he taught me how to aggression test dogs with two leashes and stuff, because I was just getting these dogs from shelters that had been abused and stuff, and I'm like, my love isn't going to make you trained.

02:51:32.000 No, it's not.

02:51:34.000 Like, living in the valley with a yard, that's gonna fix you.

02:51:37.000 It's not true.

02:51:38.000 So I've learned to sort of honor the neurology of dogs and their instincts, and they were wolves, and food comes first, and if they have a scarcity complex, like, they're gonna go after food, and if they've been abused, like, they have no reason to not protect themselves if they feel threatened.

02:51:56.000 Is that dog whisperer guy, that Cesar Millan guy, is he good?

02:52:00.000 Yeah, I mean, he's great.

02:52:01.000 Like, all these guys have, you know, I'm sure, like, any, like, fighting or anything, everyone's got, like, that's wrong, that's wrong.

02:52:06.000 Everyone's got their own.

02:52:08.000 Like, I've figured out what works for me, which is, like, basically positive reinforcement or just ignoring the dog when they do something wrong.

02:52:14.000 So the biggest punishment to a dog is just ignoring them.

02:52:17.000 When you hit them, you're actually giving them attention and confusing them.

02:52:20.000 Really?

02:52:21.000 Interesting.

02:52:21.000 It's confusing to them, and it probably doesn't hurt.

02:52:25.000 They usually just lose respect for you because you've gotten in a situation where you're now hitting them, and they're just like, well, why did you let me do that yesterday?

02:52:34.000 You're the one that's inconsistent.

02:52:35.000 And then they just start to feel unsafe and anxious. 0.98

02:52:37.000 So when they do something wrong, just ignore them for 30 minutes, and they will fucking never do it again. 0.86

02:52:43.000 Do you read books on dogs? 0.97

02:52:44.000 I do read books on dogs.

02:52:46.000 Would you read books on more, people or dogs?

02:52:50.000 Do you?

02:52:51.000 Yeah.

02:52:52.000 Well, I mean, your dog is a reflection.

02:52:54.000 Yeah, well, I was just thinking about it because I was like, recently, I mean, I read a lot of books on, like, addiction and, like, science.

02:53:00.000 A lot of books on them?

02:53:00.000 Yeah, and, like, neuroscience.

02:53:02.000 That's kind of, like, you know, I'm finishing that book, Sapiens, right now, which is kind of bad.

02:53:06.000 What is that?

02:53:07.000 It's about, like, um, what's the guy's name?

02:53:09.000 Seth, his last name?

02:53:10.000 Sethi or something?

02:53:12.000 It's basically about evolution and how we evolve to be the way we are.

02:53:16.000 His whole point is that we're...

02:53:18.000 Not his whole point.

02:53:19.000 One of them that I find interesting is that the reason we have so much anxiety is because we know that we're...

02:53:24.000 We implicitly know that we're only superficially at the top of the food chain.

02:53:29.000 We don't deserve to be at the top of the food chain without weapons.

02:53:34.000 If I'm in here with a gorilla alone, I'm going to lose real quickly.

02:53:38.000 Of course.

02:53:39.000 If I'm in here with a gun, I still might lose, actually.

02:53:42.000 But we're all kind of walking around with paper-thin skin and we're incredibly vulnerable.

02:53:49.000 But we just happen to have the animals that kill us in cages.

02:53:52.000 Yeah.

02:53:53.000 I just think it's incredibly fascinating that anatomically similar humans who lived 10,000 years ago, as we were talking about with Cro-Magnons, who literally didn't have very many tools or weapons, I mean, didn't have guns for sure, and maybe, I mean, had atlatls or something like that. 0.57

02:54:06.000 I don't even think they had bows.

02:54:08.000 Find out when they invented the bow and arrow, Jamie.

02:54:10.000 Let's figure that out.

02:54:11.000 And the bow and arrow is also not a sure thing.

02:54:12.000 You got one chance.

02:54:13.000 If you miss, you know, you have another 10 minutes that you kind of, you know.

02:54:17.000 And you can panic.

02:54:18.000 Yeah.

02:54:19.000 I mean, how many times have you had to shoot a bow and arrow when your life depends on it, too?

02:54:22.000 I've never done it once.

02:54:24.000 But it's amazing that people before then, I mean, so let's go back even earlier than 10,000 years ago, probably not a whole lot of difference between those people and people 100,000 years ago, with the amount of tissue and the softness of the body and the vulnerability.

02:54:38.000 Like, it's kind of crazy that we even made it.

02:54:40.000 We're made of...

02:54:41.000 The fact that we get through the day without...

02:54:44.000 We're water balloons of blood.

02:54:46.000 Bees can kill us. 1.00

02:54:48.000 Yeah.

02:54:48.000 Bees are the literally tiniest animal.

02:54:51.000 Okay, bow and arrow appears to transition from the Upper Paleolithic to the Mesolithic.

02:54:57.000 So, oldest elegant bow...

02:55:00.000 Hold on, what'd you do?

02:55:01.000 Extent bows in one piece are elm homogard bows from Denmark, which were dated to 9,000 BC. Huh.

02:55:10.000 Wow.

02:55:10.000 BCE. I like how they do that now.

02:55:12.000 Before current era.

02:55:13.000 It's not even about Jesus.

02:55:15.000 They're 71,000 years old.

02:55:15.000 Wow.

02:55:16.000 Africa suggested arrows might be at least 71,000 years old. 1.00

02:55:20.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:55:21.000 Wow. 1.00

02:55:23.000 That's crazy.

02:55:24.000 That is crazy.

02:55:26.000 So they had arrows for like 50,000 years before they figured out the bow.

02:55:29.000 I mean, there's an epidemic of fear.

02:55:31.000 Gotta do something with this.

02:55:32.000 Has this always been here?

02:55:33.000 This epidemic of fear?

02:55:35.000 I mean, like, this election?

02:55:37.000 Fear.

02:55:37.000 I'm kidding, by the way.

02:55:38.000 I'm sure they had a bow, folks.

02:55:39.000 If people are tweeting right now. 0.99

02:55:41.000 Yeah, they're all just going fucking apes. 0.99

02:55:43.000 I understand history. 0.99

02:55:47.000 Fear has always been here.

02:55:48.000 Fear.

02:55:48.000 I mean, the gun.

02:55:49.000 People want guns in their house all the time. 0.89

02:55:51.000 And I'm not against people.

02:55:52.000 People have guns.

02:55:53.000 Walls.

02:55:54.000 It is what it is.

02:55:55.000 Jiu-jitsu.

02:55:56.000 But why are people so scared people are going to take their guns away from them?

02:55:59.000 They need the guns.

02:56:00.000 There's fear.

02:56:01.000 I'm fascinated by fear.

02:56:03.000 I have a theory.

02:56:05.000 My biggest theory is not just that some people live in bad neighborhoods, but also that we're dealing with the news of seven billion humans.

02:56:11.000 True.

02:56:11.000 That's just too much.

02:56:12.000 Right.

02:56:12.000 And we see, now that we have the news, and we see so much negative things happening, that we have a false sense of how dangerous the world is.

02:56:21.000 And the news is all bad!

02:56:22.000 We're the safest we've ever been, and we're the scaredest we've ever been.

02:56:25.000 Are we?

02:56:25.000 I don't know if we're the scariest we've ever been, because a lot of people are on Xanax again.

02:56:28.000 That's true.

02:56:29.000 They'd be scared if they weren't on Xanax. 0.98

02:56:31.000 They'd be shitting their pants.

02:56:33.000 But everyone is like, you know, terrified all the time.

02:56:36.000 And it's just sort of an interesting thing, and trying to figure out what's a real fear and what's a sort of reptilian, irrational fear.

02:56:42.000 Well, it's what we were talking about before that one day, and probably not far from now, we're going to exist in some sort of a quasi-electronic state.

02:56:52.000 We're going to exist in some sort of a weird virtual state.

02:56:55.000 Yes.

02:56:55.000 And then it's going to be interesting to see what that state is like.

02:56:58.000 We'll be even more vulnerable because we'll have fucking Google glasses over our heads. 0.99

02:57:02.000 And our fucking spinal cord will be connected to the matrix. 0.99

02:57:05.000 Yeah, we won't have peripheral vision anymore. 0.99

02:57:07.000 We're devolving.

02:57:08.000 In some way, for sure.

02:57:11.000 We're evolving into a more vulnerable thing, which is weird.

02:57:14.000 It's not necessarily that we're devolving, because we're not becoming more like animals.

02:57:18.000 We're becoming more like...

02:57:20.000 There was some study that came out that said that kids who play video games actually have faster reflexes than kids who don't.

02:57:26.000 Whoa.

02:57:26.000 Yeah.

02:57:27.000 Is that interesting?

02:57:27.000 That is.

02:57:29.000 Reflexes have to do with the mind and the hands reacting, hand-eye coordination.

02:57:34.000 That makes sense.

02:57:35.000 You have to move quick. 0.99

02:57:36.000 But physically, moving your body side to side, they don't have the dexterity or the strength to do that because they're fucking just stuck to the couch. 0.95

02:57:45.000 So it has to be a thumb war. 0.89

02:57:47.000 It can't be an actual threat.

02:57:49.000 I don't know what the threat was.

02:57:50.000 Well, Jamie was talking about how they're doing these E-teams for basketball that are going to do alongside the NBA. Like a fantasy team?

02:57:58.000 Well, no.

02:57:58.000 They're going to play electronic basketball alongside real basketball games.

02:58:03.000 I was on the plane.

02:58:04.000 What were you saying?

02:58:05.000 Explain it.

02:58:05.000 Here.

02:58:06.000 In the NBA's eSports League, diversity means a new kind of athlete.

02:58:12.000 They haven't announced it fully because every team isn't fully locked into it yet right now, but the idea, I think, is that every team is going to have their own 5-on-5 video game team, and they're going to be responsible for signing good players, and there's going to be competitions.

02:58:27.000 Ideally, they want to have the finals in arenas, too, for this.

02:58:30.000 The finals in arenas?

02:58:31.000 They do for other games right now, like League of Legends.

02:58:34.000 Oh, they do like PewDiePie goes and plays in a Staples Center, sort of.

02:58:38.000 I'm terrified by the fact that we're outsourcing physical sports to our phones.

02:58:43.000 I sat next to a guy on the plane who was playing darts on his phone.

02:58:48.000 Darts.

02:58:49.000 What?

02:58:50.000 Literally, he was just sitting there moving his finger.

02:58:56.000 Did she show...

02:58:57.000 Whitney has a phone with a photo of this guy's...

02:59:00.000 So, yeah.

02:59:01.000 He's just...

02:59:02.000 That was the...

02:59:03.000 He thinks this is a sport.

02:59:04.000 Plus he's drinking. 1.00

02:59:05.000 He is shit... 1.00

02:59:06.000 Yeah, he got shit face on. 1.00

02:59:07.000 And he was also wearing shorts, which was really traumatizing for me. 1.00

02:59:10.000 But it was just this.

02:59:11.000 And I was like, the fact that you think this is a...

02:59:14.000 Thing.

02:59:15.000 He was basically just scrolling up.

02:59:17.000 Yeah.

02:59:17.000 The fact that he thought he was good at darts.

02:59:20.000 Or he's just bored.

02:59:21.000 Yeah, he literally was like, yes! 1.00

02:59:22.000 Maybe just was freaking out about air travel, so he's getting drunk and medicated and he's distracting himself with this stupid game. 1.00

02:59:27.000 It scares me. 1.00

02:59:28.000 I worry that we're all just zombies.

02:59:30.000 I think you should stop being so scared.

02:59:32.000 Okay, you're right, you're right.

02:59:33.000 Just living this moment, Whitney.

02:59:34.000 Let's end this strong, because we've already done three hours.

02:59:37.000 Okay, okay, alright.

02:59:37.000 Let's end this strong.

02:59:38.000 Okay, what are we gonna do?

02:59:38.000 I'm gonna squirt.

02:59:42.000 If people are by some miracle still listening to this, you need to just...

02:59:47.000 I'm sure they are.

02:59:47.000 Do something.

02:59:48.000 Do something.

02:59:49.000 Do your thing.

02:59:50.000 Whitney, we've got to do this more often.

02:59:51.000 Get me out of here.

02:59:52.000 This is fun.

02:59:53.000 This is embarrassing.

02:59:53.000 This is really fun.

02:59:54.000 It's not embarrassing at all.

02:59:55.000 You need more positive reinforcement in your personal life.

02:59:58.000 I'm writing a book.

02:59:59.000 I just sit home all day with my negative thoughts.

03:00:01.000 That's the problem.

03:00:02.000 Don't do something negative.

03:00:03.000 Call me.

03:00:04.000 I'm here.

03:00:04.000 Don't worry about it.

03:00:05.000 You're going to be fine.

03:00:06.000 You're going to be fine.

03:00:07.000 Why did I write a book? 1.00

03:00:08.000 This is a stupid book. 1.00

03:00:10.000 You're so crazy. 1.00

03:00:11.000 Why did you let me do this? 1.00

03:00:13.000 What?

03:00:13.000 If you cared about me, would you let me on your podcast?

03:00:15.000 You would have stopped me from doing this.

03:00:17.000 No, no, no, no.

03:00:17.000 Everything's great.

03:00:18.000 You said to me, I said, I was like, did you write a book?

03:00:20.000 And you were like, yeah, I gave the money back.

03:00:21.000 It didn't work for me.

03:00:22.000 And I was like, all right, then I can still do it.

03:00:24.000 I should have listened to you.

03:00:25.000 No, you don't.

03:00:26.000 I mean, the problem that I had was editors.

03:00:29.000 They were trying to get me to write stand-up.

03:00:31.000 They said, I want you to write...

03:00:32.000 First of all, they wanted me to...

03:00:34.000 They said, look, you don't have to write anything.

03:00:35.000 We'll just take your stand-up and we'll transcribe it.

03:00:38.000 I go, that's crazy.

03:00:39.000 I've already done that.

03:00:40.000 Yeah, but they go, well, George Carlin did that and Jerry Seinfeld did that.

03:00:43.000 I don't care what they did.

03:00:44.000 I'm not doing that.

03:00:45.000 If I'm going to write something, I think it's a different kind of medium.

03:00:48.000 Right.

03:00:48.000 Well, it's also interesting because you're just sitting there bombing all day.

03:00:51.000 There's...

03:00:52.000 There's no audience.

03:00:54.000 It's my worst nightmare.

03:00:56.000 I have to wait eight months to see if something's funny and people laugh in their living room.

03:00:59.000 I can't even tell.

03:01:00.000 And they have to pretend they hear you say it, too. 1.00

03:01:02.000 They have to have an imagination and tone and fuck all that. 0.99

03:01:06.000 I just have to go back to stand-up full-time because this is just madness. 0.99

03:01:10.000 Everybody wants to not do stand-up full-time.

03:01:12.000 Every comic works so hard to become a professional comic.

03:01:15.000 I learned my lesson.

03:01:16.000 I'm sorry.

03:01:17.000 She's back.

03:01:18.000 I'm back.

03:01:18.000 Come to the Ice House.

03:01:19.000 I'm going to.

03:01:19.000 Tomorrow night.

03:01:20.000 Or Wednesday night.

03:01:20.000 Tomorrow I go to Orlando.

03:01:22.000 Don't be jealous.

03:01:23.000 But I'll come next time.

03:01:24.000 I'll come in two weeks.

03:01:25.000 I will.

03:01:25.000 I'll just go.

03:01:26.000 You heard it here, folks.

03:01:27.000 It's happening.

03:01:27.000 She'll be there in two weeks.

03:01:29.000 Come see me eat shit. 1.00

03:01:30.000 All right. 1.00

03:01:30.000 Thank you, bro. 1.00

03:01:31.000 That was awesome.

03:01:33.000 Whitney, not exactly happy with it.

03:01:35.000 Look at her.

03:01:35.000 She's like, I don't believe it was awesome.

03:01:37.000 What?

03:01:37.000 No, no.

03:01:37.000 It was a disaster.

03:01:38.000 It was great!

03:01:38.000 I'm like, I was a disaster.

03:01:39.000 I'm a disaster.

03:01:40.000 Whitney was great.

03:01:41.000 You're awesome.

03:01:41.000 Thank you.

03:01:43.000 Bye, everybody.

03:01:44.000 You're the best.

03:01:45.000 Oh, that was on? 0.99

03:01:46.000 I hate you! 1.00

03:01:49.000 I hate you! 1.00

03:01:52.000 Stop recording! 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 27, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #923 - Whitney Cummings

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