This Past Weekend with Theo Von - 1 - 16 - 17 ｜ This Past Weekend #5

00:00:00.000 you

00:00:14.000 you know what that is don't you you know what that is that's a little house on the prairie theme song

00:00:27.860 baby the daniel kane orchestra remember that let's hear that intro again dude

00:00:36.800 that dirty trick what is that a trumpet a horn

00:00:44.520 that's it that is it the little house on the prairie theme song god that was a good one

00:00:54.040 one of my favorite shows of all time some people know that some people don't

00:00:57.940 now you know it michael landon brah i bring this to you it is january 16th

00:01:06.480 um it's 12 40 a.m uh i had a show tonight at the hollywood improv

00:01:12.060 and afterwards i had a fan of mine friend i say a friend a lady that i've met

00:01:20.460 uh through comedy brought me two shirts as a gift one of them had you know who your boy

00:01:28.800 michael landon on the front oh beautiful shirt dude some type of cotton black cotton or something

00:01:38.660 uh and another shirt it said all day i dream about michael landon now that one might be a little bit

00:01:46.560 of a reach but still you gotta love michael landon i grew up watching a little house on a prairie

00:01:51.540 uh it was like the only time my brothers and sisters and i would sit together in sheer joy

00:01:58.840 was in the morning um it came on every morning on tbs and uh it still does actually um it might come

00:02:08.140 on the afternoons now but came on every morning little house on the prairie if you don't know the

00:02:11.720 show it's about a man and his children uh and they just doing their best bro they're doing their

00:02:18.360 best and i loved it dude we would sit there and watch it uh we would fight to be in front of the tv

00:02:25.000 we had like this 12 inch color tv i think it was color i don't remember i was a kid so even if it's

00:02:31.660 black and white when you're a kid you can imagine there's color there but man we would sit and watch

00:02:36.300 the episodes um i found an episode here online the first season first episode little house on a

00:02:44.400 prairie the episode called a harvest of friends bruh i'm gonna read to you the synopsis of it

00:02:51.500 the original air date september 11th 1974 in the first episode of season one the ingles that's the

00:02:59.880 family settle on the banks of plum creek charles asked the olsons for credit to buy a

00:03:06.140 plow and seed but they explain they can only offer credit to farmers they've known for a long

00:03:12.700 time dun dun dun charles ends up making a deal with mr o'neill in exchange for a plow and seed

00:03:20.620 charles agrees to repair o'neill's roof and stack his grain within three weeks

00:03:27.500 after completing the roof charles decides to take the family on an all-day picnic to make up for the

00:03:34.260 time he's spent working unfortunately he falls out of a tree while trying to retrieve a kite

00:03:39.880 oh that kite hustle and breaks his ribs o'neill assumes charles won't be able to stack the grain

00:03:47.820 and takes the oxen a day early losing the oxen bruh charles can't afford to lose the oxen and tries

00:03:55.740 to stack the grain with broken ribs he collapses and then laura and mary start stacking the grain

00:04:02.420 dr baker mr hansen and mr olson and other townspeople see the girls struggling and team up to stack all

00:04:11.420 the grain allowing charles to keep his oxen that's teamwork bruh that's family man you can't stack the

00:04:21.880 grain you can't get the job done your neighbors come to help you bruh that's what i loved i think

00:04:28.140 that's what i loved about it man just seeing like camaraderie and teamwork because it wasn't like

00:04:33.460 that in my neighborhood dude bro i remember man i remember first time i ever pulled up into my

00:04:41.980 neighborhood bro growing up because my parents got divorced i end up in we ended up in this shitty 0.69

00:04:47.660 neighborhood and uh and the first day we got there this man these two grown men this man this older

00:04:59.000 man he was a senior citizen he was fighting a bus driver they were fighting in the street a school bus

00:05:04.640 driver school bus driver he didn't wear a shirt you know he chose not to wear shirts or just didn't do

00:05:10.900 shirts but they were fighting and they had a ditch fire going and a ditch fire instead of you know

00:05:19.060 waiting for somebody to come and get your trash people would just burn all their trash in the ditch

00:05:24.920 you know it's i mean i guess it could have created some carbon monoxide issues or you know um it could

00:05:32.520 have affected the environment i don't know we didn't have an environment so anyway the bus driver

00:05:39.260 threw this old dude into the ditch fire bro the old dude everybody's like you know going over to try 0.67

00:05:47.300 to help but then this old dude bro gets wiry because you know old dudes got old dude strength this dude

00:05:54.220 just got up out of the fire his arm was still burning he had flames coming off his back and he went and

00:06:00.780 attacked the dude again bro attacked the bus driver and that was the first day i ever spent in my 1.00

00:06:06.660 neighborhood um when i saw that shit i was like damn man we're fucked my family is fucked uh so yeah 0.99

00:06:18.720 that was my old neighborhood so i think when i saw things like little house on the prairie with like 1.00

00:06:23.420 camaraderie they had a doctor if you got hurt like they had a dude in my neighborhood they got hurt

00:06:30.060 he broke his clavicle right and uh or his collarbone or wish collarbone and he just his shirt never fit

00:06:38.880 the same it just he didn't nobody took him to a doctor he just his shirt never fit right again

00:06:45.140 you know one of his he had kind of that slope coming in a little bit on the left i mean he couldn't

00:06:51.880 you couldn't he couldn't keep a raindrop on his shoulder that's for damn sure

00:06:55.400 so anyway man i guess i loved little house on the prairie and tonight somebody bought me this

00:07:02.300 michael landon t-shirt i put it up on my instagrams um it was cool man it was just nice it was like a

00:07:09.880 nice thing i didn't expect you know that's nice when something happens it's unexpected that's a

00:07:14.940 beautiful thing i gotta remember to try to do that more often for other people i just do something

00:07:20.520 nice you know dude i always wanted to break into somebody's house and install an alarm that used to

00:07:26.940 be like kind of this idea of mine like i'm gonna break in and install an alarm but then i thought what

00:07:33.200 if you break in somebody's there you get shot up then you can't be like you know don't shoot me i'm here

00:07:43.000 to put in an alarm i just don't know if they would buy it so maybe i'm i'm just gonna sit on that idea

00:07:49.120 bro i'm gonna sit on that i'm gonna sit on that idea but but ring the good idea bell because that

00:07:54.840 is a good idea that is a good idea um good to chat with you or be here it is monday january 16th

00:08:03.020 um it's actually sunday night i haven't gone to bed yet it is uh 12 48 a.m pacific standard time

00:08:10.980 and i uh i had a pretty good weekend man what'd you do what'd you i know you watch some football

00:08:18.820 probably huh did you watch some football it's a lot of good games on man i threw a little wager down

00:08:26.480 i bet uh bet on today's games i bet uh pittsburgh i took pittsburgh in a point and i bet uh i bet

00:08:34.400 green bay would win that was a game huh what about that footwork by aaron rogers he doesn't even he

00:08:40.080 barely even separates his legs he's just like a little dancer out there he's just like a little

00:08:45.380 he's just like a little he just kind of like just move he just he's like a little like billy elliot

00:08:51.400 you know he's like billy elliot from uh that british movie you know i'm not to poof dot

00:08:57.120 it's about a young young gentleman his father thinks that he's homosexual because he wants to dance

00:09:03.300 um but he's not you know or he may be who knows that it doesn't really go all into that but he

00:09:09.420 just wants to be a dancer man and i'll be honest with you i think i could have been a dancer bro

00:09:14.260 i mean there are days dude when i get when my feet just feel light you know and i really feel like i

00:09:21.640 could have made a name for myself in some of those you know some of those circles some of those dancing

00:09:27.300 circles but i just didn't have the i didn't have the support when i was younger emotionally

00:09:33.860 to tell me it's okay to get out there and dance you know i just didn't have it man i didn't have it

00:09:41.020 so if you got a kid that wants to dance get him some dancing shoes man you know i could still tap

00:09:48.020 dance i actually i met a guy yesterday uh who was an adult tap dancer um he was dressed like he was

00:09:56.200 from uh boardwalk empire kind of so that was a little bit squirrely but he's an adult tap dancer

00:10:02.080 and and i talked to him about it a little bit i will say it did seem a little strange when he just

00:10:09.500 started just dropping feet all everywhere like he would just break into some you know just fancy 0.95

00:10:14.540 footwork so maybe it's not for me i don't know i thought it felt like jesus christ somebody fucking 0.94

00:10:21.000 you know get this dude a game boy or something you know get this somebody get this guy 0.89

00:10:26.080 playstation 6 or something i don't know i don't know but yeah green bay won that game huh what a

00:10:34.600 game both games dude and then the dallas fans i don't know if you heard this dallas fans they had

00:10:40.300 a bunch of severe storms in the area and tornadoes some of them had to stay they weren't allowed to

00:10:46.040 leave the stadium like the and that's obviously the last ones the most inebriated ones they're stuck

00:10:52.780 in there uh media all the media was stuck in there some of the players were stuck there

00:10:58.280 so apparently they were all just hanging out on the middle of the field uh i bet that was pretty

00:11:03.320 interesting you know i'd be pissed though you know you're starving your team lost 14 hot dogs that's

00:11:11.320 all they got for sale you know the cheerleaders are all fully dressed now i'm out jerry jones probably

00:11:19.140 just offered them like some cups of water or something you know nothing fancy i don't know

00:11:24.220 i don't know i'll watch that game it was good man um that pittsburgh game looked cold didn't oh

00:11:31.180 those guys look freezing cold i don't know if i could do it i'm at the age now where i think i've

00:11:38.020 given up like there were there were years where i would watch football and be like ah i could be out

00:11:43.140 there even though i never played football i never played it i played it at home you know we played

00:11:49.060 we played three times a week in our neighborhood uh i never played organized football we didn't have

00:11:55.640 health insurance so i was always afraid you know getting jacked up i'd just be that dude

00:12:01.180 you know i'd be like freaking the dude with the bat with the bad clavicle you know the dude that

00:12:07.380 can't hold a raindrop on his shoulder bro i didn't want to be like that you know they had

00:12:13.000 another man in our town elvis impersonator i think i told this story actually but he broke his leg

00:12:19.000 and uh and they set it in cement to save money uh and it healed up fine but then they when they

00:12:29.420 broke the cast when they rebroke the cast they broke it with a sledgehammer and rebroke his leg and

00:12:33.980 hip in about seven places this dude he was elvis impersonator i think i think i mentioned that

00:12:39.840 uh anyway man what else is going on jimmy snooker died jimmy superfly snooker if you knew this guy or

00:12:52.560 not uh he was a wrestler he was he was a rassler he was a rassler professional rassler

00:13:00.140 dude before i before i forget this i was in the airport one time i saw evander holyfield the boxer

00:13:06.800 right famous boxer got his ear bit off by mike tyson i saw him in the airport in the airport in

00:13:14.820 chicago a few years ago and he was sitting at a mcdonald's and the mcdonald's had a front porch it

00:13:22.220 had like a little outlet that you could sit there and it kind of jutted out into the terminal walkway

00:13:27.960 so i'm walking along and i see evander holyfields he's just sitting there and he's got a bunch of

00:13:36.100 fries man fries only nothing else just fries and he was taking these fries he was taking these fries

00:13:46.400 and just shoving them into his mouth and he couldn't even he couldn't even open his mouth i don't know if

00:13:53.880 he'd just been punched so many times or maybe he could open his mouth he was just tired you know i

00:13:59.720 never been so tired that i didn't open my mouth when i was putting food in it i guess you could just 0.97

00:14:04.620 shove food through your freaking you know through your freaking flap curtain lips but he was just 0.92

00:14:12.180 shoving fries through his lips like it was like kind of like at the um whenever you get your luggage at 0.87

00:14:19.440 an airport if you miss the luggage and it just goes back through those black curtains you know

00:14:23.700 through the black plastic flaps it was like that with him he was just shoving these fries just through

00:14:30.920 his flaps through his face flaps and uh i was baffling to me i'm like maybe he'd been beaten so bad he just

00:14:38.020 can't open his mouth anymore well anyway they had this little lady this young girl actually kind of a 0.95

00:14:44.500 middle-aged child basically maybe maybe 17 or 20 who worked down at the cinnabon you know the cinnabon

00:14:52.620 that's just a little fat center in the airport where they got them good smells so you go over there

00:14:59.080 and they got 19 different sizes of uh a cinnamon roll bro just i mean two bites and you could just

00:15:06.260 you feel like you got to take a nap because your sugar's all up but this girl runs up evander is 0.98

00:15:13.960 sitting there to shoving fries through his face flaps and this girl runs up and she's just standing 0.98

00:15:20.140 there right in front of him and she goes oh and he looks over and she goes oh i used to watch you

00:15:31.860 wrestle and dude i about lost my mind i used to watch you wrestle wrestle to a professional boxer

00:15:42.140 whoo i used to watch you wrestle anyway that's my uh that's my wrestler story i was a big wrestling

00:15:53.780 fan jimmy superfly snooker he died um i think he was in his 70s what does it say here let me find it

00:16:00.880 here jimmy snooker um yeah he died man he died uh 73 years old he died he had stomach cancer

00:16:12.700 um kind of broke my heart when i heard about it you know uh he was supposed to go on trial i think

00:16:20.900 recently uh or was soon to go on trial for he allegedly murdered his girlfriend not a cool move

00:16:29.200 you know not a cool move dude uh he allegedly killed his girlfriend in 1983 but they dropped the

00:16:36.620 they dropped the charges because he was gonna die um i guess he had terminal cancer and and that was

00:16:42.920 gonna be that and so they dropped those charges but they found his girlfriend in a hotel room i guess

00:16:47.600 a long time ago um in pennsylvania and uh and she wasn't living anymore uh he said she fell down

00:16:58.000 yeah right dude you're a wrestler bro you know there was a body slam or a freaking

00:17:03.160 leg gypsy hold or something a freaking chop something you did but yeah man jimmy superfly snooker dead he 0.78

00:17:15.440 was the one man he was the one growing up that just electrified me i loved wrestling you know i grew up

00:17:21.120 poor white that those were our heroes those seemed for some reason poor white people we just

00:17:27.520 we love wrestling bro i don't know what it is i don't know if it's the abuse it's the steroids

00:17:34.960 it's the just how easy it is to to take in you just believe it that you know for some reason

00:17:43.900 everybody in my neighborhood love wrestling we just believe in those heroes man they could be

00:17:48.820 those were our heroes yeah the guy allegedly killed his girlfriend now that i couldn't do man i

00:17:55.720 couldn't kill i couldn't kill my girlfriend you know i've had let me see three girlfriends 0.61

00:18:03.140 which isn't really a lot uh you know because i'm emotionally damaged hard to connect sometimes

00:18:11.400 but i've had three girlfriends could i have killed any of them 0.96

00:18:14.880 yeah i could have killed 0.98

00:18:19.740 some of them wasn't very bright so i could have maybe 0.99

00:18:24.900 not killed them i couldn't have killed them no so i'm gonna say that i couldn't have killed them 0.98

00:18:29.900 uh i could have got angry i could have gotten so angry at both of us 0.99

00:18:36.400 that i could have driven us off of a cliff or something like thelma and louise i could have

00:18:40.760 seen something like that possibly you know if it was you know say we're moving across country together

00:18:46.940 and you know uh and you know some ignorance hits an all-time high i could have just

00:18:54.260 seen me just veering us off a cliff maybe i don't know new mexico maybe in new mexico 0.98

00:19:00.540 you know um but yeah i know but i couldn't i mean i couldn't fucking kill anybody i love murder 0.91

00:19:08.020 shows dude i mean i love murder shows buried treasure um that show disappeared where people 0.71

00:19:15.360 are dismissing jesus i used to go look in the woods when i was growing up for missing people for

00:19:21.040 missing bodies and stuff i guess i thought when i was young that like the woods behind your house or

00:19:27.000 near your house were like the same woods everywhere you know that the woods were the woods so whenever

00:19:33.940 i would watch those shows those unsolved mysteries or america's most wanted and like a body was missing

00:19:39.480 i would be like ah it might be in the woods so i'd go look and know in my neighborhood it could

00:19:46.700 have been man you know anything was possible they had the first funeral i went to the dude that got

00:19:54.180 thrown in the ditch fire years later he died right so i'm walking down the street with my buddy danny

00:20:01.460 and he was born with some deficiencies uh he had extra salivary glands in his face so he was always

00:20:08.180 kind of spraying out of his face when he would smile or feel real joyous he would you know kind of spout

00:20:14.080 out at the corners of his mouth and uh and then he also had like a was born with like a wrist in his neck

00:20:23.400 like a his neck had like a just an involuntary spin to it about every maybe five seconds his neck would

00:20:31.320 just just flare around you know just like a circle like that you know just a just like he would look to

00:20:38.920 the left and look straight up and then to the right and then back to center just just involuntarily

00:20:45.760 anyway he and i are walking down the street and the man who got thrown in the ditch fire

00:20:52.220 his son was there and he said you guys want to come to a service

00:20:57.580 and i didn't know what a service was man i thought it was you know i don't know what i thought it was

00:21:03.820 i probably thought it was something religious and i guess i was right in that sense because we walk

00:21:08.180 into the backyard and they had buried the man they had put him in a in a uh in a coffin in a

00:21:15.600 pine or something coffin maybe it could have been teak it looked pretty something malleable

00:21:20.600 malleable wood and they put him in a ground and there was some chairs set up some folding chairs some

00:21:26.760 of those kind of brown folding chairs and we all sat there and they had they read some scripture and then

00:21:33.020 they buried this man in the backyard uh and they're like does anybody want to say uh some words you

00:21:41.880 know um does anybody want to say some words and i didn't know what to say you know so i just

00:21:50.020 you know try to do the sign of the cross even though i didn't know it um and then danny this dude

00:22:00.300 he said he stood up and said the grace that you say before dinner you know whatever uh bless us oh lord

00:22:09.160 and these i guess we are about to receive that bounty through christ our lord amen um and then like god 0.99

00:22:17.500 we thank you for this food i'm like i'm thinking to myself that's definitely not the fucking prayer you 0.97

00:22:24.540 say when somebody's dying but he didn't know any better anyway fucking that was it dude what 0.98

00:22:31.040 what the hell man thinking back that's just that's baffling dude that we're standing next to a funeral 0.99

00:22:39.960 and he says grace he said dinner grace whatever that's life dude or that's death but i loved

00:22:47.460 wrestling bro dude my brother and i we used to push the beds apart in our room and that would

00:22:53.720 be like two sides of the ring and we would just wrestle bro and we had charts of like all the

00:22:59.580 different wrestlers and we we each drew names and that's the wrestler we were and whoever would win

00:23:04.640 that wrestler would be eliminated man that was fun dude that was fun those were the good old days man

00:23:11.720 that's what we did we got outside you know we didn't have this before they had the wrestling video

00:23:15.700 games so we had to go do it you know whatever now they got the game so these kids don't have to do it

00:23:21.400 you know we had to go impersonate those adventures you know we couldn't just sit in front of a tv and be a

00:23:29.900 pilot or be a i mean we had super mario and they had some um eventually john madden came out but before

00:23:37.500 that we just had to go and pretend we were these things so that's sometimes my issue with video games is

00:23:44.320 that it just takes the place of an imagination it's like why does why do why do i don't blame a kid

00:23:51.220 they don't know any better they don't have to imagine anything anymore if it can just be presented

00:23:55.580 to them in front of them uh but anyway man that was that was wild uh but yeah that kansas city game

00:24:04.600 looks so cold ah couldn't do it dude i couldn't even go stay i wanted to live in new york i wanted to

00:24:11.720 stay there for a little bit longer but i gotta wait till it warms up i can't be there in the

00:24:16.180 winter like that just chills you chills your bones just makes you feel like a dead body that's still

00:24:23.120 just walking around uh what else man i've been watching that show the oa have you seen this it's

00:24:29.700 on netflix the oa i heard the ending is horrible but everything before the ending my god it's awesome

00:24:37.840 bro it's like people that had a near-death experience um and then they this scientist i don't want to

00:24:45.620 tell you what happens but if you like it if you like a little bit of kidnapping and some uh it's got

00:24:49.960 some light science fiction it's right on um and i don't know i heard the ending is not good but

00:24:56.020 i guess i'll just enjoy you know the meantime that show's good dude i want to watch shameless i

00:25:03.580 haven't seen that uh what else i don't know oh could i kill my girlfriend i couldn't you know 0.99

00:25:12.100 i couldn't kill my girlfriend could i kill someone 0.98

00:25:15.400 i don't think i could do it man i just don't think i have it in me you know and you gotta hide the bot

00:25:24.300 that's the thing too like i could understand how people could kill someone in a fit of rage something

00:25:30.940 crazy happens their psyche breaks and they just kill somebody you know but then you gotta hide the

00:25:40.100 body bro nobody gets away with i mean so rare with the dna you gotta make sure their phone isn't around

00:25:48.440 because the phone sends a ping out apparently the towers it's always like the phone was bouncing off 0.61

00:25:53.820 these towers you gotta clean up or you gotta kill them real carefully i guess like in a you know you

00:26:01.740 gotta invite them over and just have vis queen all over your house maybe say some painters are coming 1.00

00:26:06.240 so that way you know you're already prepared i couldn't do it though you know yeah i couldn't do it

00:26:15.120 oh i'd hate that dude i'd hate to get murdered i don't want to get murdered i don't want to get 0.94

00:26:20.980 murdered dude hopefully i won't playing crowd i would hate a playing crowd that's got to be the

00:26:26.620 worst oh that's got to be the worst what's the worst way to go anyway i'm getting pretty dour here

00:26:33.320 i'm getting pretty uh pretty pretty damp here in my words here at night um it's late it's late man

00:26:40.760 this is what you get when it's late i had a great show this weekend i worked with harlan williams

00:26:44.980 who i'm a huge fan of uh you he he was in half baked uh you may know him from and other things too

00:26:52.080 um but in half baked he had that scene where like he's gonna feed the horse all those groceries

00:26:57.800 and he's like what can i get for you big girl and he's talking to the horse and uh and this black 0.73

00:27:05.420 lady's walking by and she thinks that uh he's talking to her and she turns around and she's like 1.00

00:27:11.640 fuck you nigga uh that was baffling to me man that shit was hilarious so i got to work with 1.00

00:27:19.580 harlan williams dude um and that was great he came up to me afterwards and said that he really loved my 1.00

00:27:24.880 set uh which was nice because you know when these older comedians or comedians that have been around

00:27:31.400 longer they come around and say something or any job you know you know it always feels good to

00:27:37.120 i think you know when somebody who's better than you and has more experience in you and somebody

00:27:44.960 you admire you know drop some good knowledge on your drop some admiration or just pats you on the back 0.98

00:27:51.560 you know so i got to remember to try to do that uh trying to be a better person that shit's hard 0.85

00:27:58.060 isn't it trying to be a better person and live and just manage your regular life at the same time

00:28:03.780 it's hard man it's not easy it's not easy we're all trying hopefully we're all trying to be better

00:28:09.380 people i don't fucking know some days i just want to just get a bunch of ice cream and just 0.99

00:28:15.000 you know lay in the sheets and just try not to do masturbation i gave in to some masturbation this 0.99

00:28:23.680 past week so you know i'm back uh i'm empty you know you could say it like that i mean that's just 0.98

00:28:32.200 that's nature bro you know i didn't want to do it i guess i don't know i had that moment where i was

00:28:38.520 like god do i want i you know i know i want i want to but i know in my brain that i don't want to 0.99

00:28:44.740 what do i do well masturbation one bro it's a powerful drug your own dick that's a powerful drug 1.00

00:28:53.800 your own crotch that's a powerful drug oh let me listen to this get me back to sanity 1.00

00:29:01.860 yeah 0.99

00:29:07.460 you gotta help with those bags of grain huh

00:29:13.120 you broke your ribs trying playing in a tree you gotta help with those bags of grain huh

00:29:19.000 help your friend with his grain be a good neighbor we don't even know who our neighbors

00:29:24.840 are anymore i always thought that should have been a good holiday here's a holiday 0.99

00:29:28.680 go next door find out who the fuck lives there dude we would get eliminate so many creepers just 0.99

00:29:37.480 like that so many so many of my friends have no idea what their neighbor does you know but we have 0.99

00:29:45.460 no that's another thing like i'm excited about having some borders in this country because we 0.96

00:29:50.220 don't even know who the fuck is already here it's scary it's scary living in a country where you don't 0.96

00:29:56.600 know who's here you know that's bizarre that's bad that's crazy that's like imagine you wake up 0.99

00:30:04.460 and there's some people in your house you don't know huh who are you huh huh that's america man

00:30:12.460 that's america sometimes you know and i know it's like you got to be you know the land of the open

00:30:18.260 and you know the free and stuff like that but i think sometimes we got to know who's here we need

00:30:23.460 a roll call that's what we need we need everybody's third grade teacher to show up with the pencil in 0.95

00:30:31.700 their hair and do a roll call or do like do like a boat safety drill you know they do on a cruise

00:30:38.460 they get everybody out in the beginning you got your group where you meet up you put on your life

00:30:43.420 jacket do that in the street let's find out who our neighbors are find out who's here 0.95

00:30:48.620 fucking creepy mcgooberson down the street who is he i don't know whatever dude it's just 0.97

00:30:56.420 it's obviously been a long weekend throw some dates i got some new dates i'm coming to baltimore 0.98

00:31:02.280 i'm coming to baltimore dude let me tell you the name of this club bro just got it in uh

00:31:08.920 here's the place dude it is called mcgooby's comedy club that's where i'll be it's actually in

00:31:16.560 timonium maryland february 9th through the 11th so that's thursday friday saturday mcgooby's comedy

00:31:25.180 club in timonium i don't know where that is it sounds like something i should get inoculated for

00:31:31.260 timonium maryland let's see what it is oh there's a racetrack there there's about 9900 people live

00:31:40.000 there oh they want to bring the dog in they want to bring him in the timonium uh yes i'll be there

00:31:48.000 i'll be there out in timonium it looks like it is near it's about uh yeah right outside of baltimore

00:31:55.780 north side of baltimore outside of that i'll be at virginia beach funny bone coming up

00:32:00.560 uh january 26th through 29th and then i'll be at the schaumburg improv outside of chicago february

00:32:07.380 2nd through 4th and the comedy works in denver uh that's february 23rd through 26th

00:32:16.860 so i'm excited about that man what else happened man this past weekend just did some sets man harlan

00:32:24.500 williams saying some nice things that was cool just trying to be a decent man that's what else

00:32:29.540 is going on you know i'm trying to stay out of the politics it's hard not to talk politics man

00:32:35.300 just so many people it just i just don't know how they get people to see each other's perspectives

00:32:41.400 people have different perspectives like people live in different worlds like out here in california

00:32:47.120 a lot of these people out here they live like it's just a different world they can't even fathom

00:32:52.820 the environment that i grew up in or the environment that a lot of people grew up in

00:32:58.080 you know people that are well off they have no idea what life is like when they're not well off and

00:33:06.740 there's nothing wrong with that but the problem is that people just see the world completely

00:33:14.520 differently like they can't see my perspective and i can't see their perspective so sometimes it's

00:33:21.060 just baffling um how people feel like we live you know in this same universe you know like people out

00:33:30.520 uh on the west coast are always like you know no more racism no more you know it's like we don't need

00:33:36.060 and it's true you don't need those types of things you don't need racism it's horrible

00:33:40.760 but then you get but they don't understand how people who are living environment in environments

00:33:46.800 where there is racism they don't know what that's like you know it's totally different when you're

00:33:53.120 living in an environment where there is a lot of racism it's just baffling man it's and it's different

00:33:59.600 it's like we just need to swap places i don't know how we do it maybe virtual reality

00:34:05.020 you know i heard that there's going to be virtual reality this is true let me see if i can find this

00:34:09.700 virtual reality where you can experience uh different races let me see i saw this a while back i'm just

00:34:20.360 looking it up on the google here um top virtual reality going by now um reset no uh the experience it's 0.94

00:34:30.880 no ethnicities ethnicities this shit is baffling dude um race and virtual reality uh virtual body 0.97

00:34:43.280 swapping uh shit i don't know but yeah i heard there's a virtual reality where you're going to 0.99

00:34:48.800 be able to see what it's like to be um different ethnicities you can put on like latino and walk down 0.99

00:34:56.740 the street i guess in this virtual area and and you'll be you'll see what it's like and that's it

00:35:03.760 i just don't know if that is that going to help you maybe that'll help maybe that will help maybe

00:35:07.680 that's what we need you know maybe we need to show each other what it's like to have lived each other's

00:35:14.500 lives maybe virtual reality can actually can that do that but is that going to change our minds or is

00:35:20.480 just going to change what we see you know i don't know man but it's crazy sometimes out here um

00:35:29.020 in california it's just like people it's just like people don't see that the rest of the that america is

00:35:35.760 different or they don't care you know like i'm amazed at all these uh celebrities that just bash 0.97

00:35:43.500 you know that bash like i mean the poor white people are like the punching bag of america right 0.89

00:35:50.500 now and that's kind of hard for me because i grew up poor and white you know and i don't think poor 0.99

00:35:56.020 white people are bad people i don't think anybody are bad people it's just i don't know fuck it whatever 0.95

00:36:02.800 it just it's tough man it's tough out here it's tough sometimes um especially having like a southern 1.00

00:36:09.840 accent people think immediately i'm just a you know some yokel uh you know it's just i don't even

00:36:17.540 know what i'm talking about anyway i'm going off at least i'm not a dallas fan whoo god that must

00:36:23.920 have hurt huh but they got young players you know ezekiel elliott that guy oh getting him on my fantasy

00:36:30.080 squad definitely next year what else man jimmy snooker died we went over that trying to see if there's

00:36:38.360 anything else really exciting i was going to tell you guys about the weekend was pretty chill man i 0.84

00:36:42.020 went over to some friends um you know i went over some friends who watched the atlanta game that shit 0.73

00:36:48.400 was pretty dope uh you know they had some kids that were obviously big atlanta fans uh some pictures 0.92

00:36:57.280 of paris jackson i just saw michael jackson's daughter dude she looks like she's attractive young lady 0.99

00:37:03.420 uh i don't know how old she is you know that's why i'm not going to say anything more but she looks 18

00:37:09.220 she's an attractive young lady that's got to be crazy michael jackson was your dad can you even imagine 0.99

00:37:15.540 all the ndas you had to sign growing up can you even imagine that's got to be bizarre um but that's it man

00:37:25.240 that's what's going on this past weekend i don't really have a ton so i'm not going to take up a lot of your

00:37:28.420 time but i'll check in again next weekend we're going to get some video options we're going to get

00:37:32.940 uh we're going to start doing some guests i'm open to any constructive criticism i don't know if this

00:37:38.420 is a good idea to just get on here and share you know i always second guess myself um i've always been

00:37:45.440 that kind of person that you know just second guesses themselves you know i wish i wasn't sometimes

00:37:50.320 i wish i was more confident um and sometimes i am it's getting better you know i'm almost six months

00:37:56.860 sober um or haven't drank you know haven't been drinking so that's exciting for me man um on the

00:38:04.840 17th so that's pretty dope dude so that's one cool thing and i've been enjoying that you know i know

00:38:11.140 that's a buzz kill to a lot of my fans who wanted to buy me a beer but uh you can still buy me a beer

00:38:15.420 just make it a ginger beer bro you know what i'm saying let's do that dude but anyway a breakdown from

00:38:20.900 this weekend oh i was thinking about some sounds that i make dude i was thinking about like uh

00:38:27.460 like when i get angry this is the sound i make

00:38:29.860 thinking about that one uh

00:38:34.500 that's the one i make a lot dude like when i'm really upset 1.00

00:38:40.140 fuck fuck i do that one 0.99

00:38:44.540 i'm trying to think of one that i do like when i'm in the car 1.00

00:38:48.660 i'll do that one um i'll drop some sometimes i mostly in the morning like right when i get up

00:38:59.200 if i'm in the shower i'm usually like kind of pissed off i'll just belt out a series of just

00:39:03.440 every racial slur that they ever made i'll belt it out just to get them all out of my system

00:39:07.980 you know um i do that in the morning i'm gonna think about that i'm thinking about some sounds

00:39:14.900 that i make i'm gonna try to pay attention to some to some sounds that i make in the next week

00:39:20.640 and i'll bring them back for you guys next week uh but that's it man that's what's been going on

00:39:26.280 if you have anything you want me to discuss on here or talk about we got adam carolla coming up

00:39:31.020 on allegedly on the allegedly podcast that i do with matthew cole weiss you can check that out that's

00:39:36.020 going to be uh released tomorrow um that's allegedly and it's on itunes we got adam carolla

00:39:41.760 margaret cho was our just our guest that was a great episode she talked about how when she was

00:39:46.760 hanging out with john travolta one time and he ate an entire pie by himself could you even imagine

00:39:54.560 sitting there watching

00:39:56.980 beautiful old blue eyes travolta freaking smugging down a pie like a van der holyfield you used to

00:40:08.180 i used to watch you wrestle i used to watch you wrestle oh it was good man the old days huh

00:40:17.440 ah i miss them i miss them i always long for the old days man what else i'll try to give you a

00:40:28.800 personal update what's going on man um copped a little bit of oral copped a little bit of oral 0.99

00:40:35.760 recently so that was good you know um you know i don't know if i gotta read up on oral oral sex and 0.99

00:40:43.640 see what the history of that is and i'll try to do that for next week oral sex and maybe some 0.98

00:40:49.300 different sounds that i make not during oral sex but just during life different life sounds i'm making 0.99

00:40:55.920 a chart for next week oral sex but yeah copped a little bit of oral you know it's always good to 0.99

00:41:02.060 keep your vibe going you know get out there and you know um experience somebody else's face or mouth 0.99

00:41:09.160 with part of your body um i think that's good for men and women a lot of these women are just you know

00:41:14.740 offering oral these days too you know you know they're just like it was probably two months ago 0.99

00:41:21.700 this girl's like you want to come around the this building and just you know chew on my freaking 1.00

00:41:27.380 little uh birth wallet and i'm like whoa lady you know that's pretty bizarre it's quite an offer 0.80

00:41:35.700 you know just traipse around the uh the corner of a building and freaking snack on the end of

00:41:42.600 somebody's birth wallet i'm out i'm out lady all right i think that maybe wraps it up dude um

00:41:51.560 i had some fans that sent in some music some uh opening music maybe i'll try to use that next week

00:41:56.760 uh some cool tune uh that they made uh but that's it man you know i'm just trying to stay positive this

00:42:04.780 week was a little tough i got down in the doldrums kind of um it's kind of hard when that happens bro

00:42:11.100 i stay on my meds you know i keep my meds tight i stay focused uh you know i get out of myself spend

00:42:19.260 time with friends i call friends constantly see how they're doing um this week i'm excited this week

00:42:26.600 we got a couple of cool guests for the podcast we got aaron carter coming in that'll be interesting

00:42:31.140 to see what his life's been like uh he's like a young musician dude uh and that's it man i'm excited

00:42:38.180 for the games next week uh atlanta and green bay i'm gonna go with green bay uh i think it's gonna be

00:42:46.440 a green bay new england super bowl and that'll be a rematch i think they played years ago in new

00:42:50.620 orleans i'm not sure but at least i'm not a dallas fan tonight sorry about that dallas fans

00:42:56.920 kc fans i love you guys you're out in the cold and dallas fans you're gonna have a great team for a

00:43:02.140 while so everything will be okay at least nobody's a saints fan we got to get rid of sean payton dude

00:43:08.300 anybody thinks that that guy he thinks he's bill belichick but he's he's not he's not that he's had

00:43:14.820 five defensive coordinators oh they're all the problem huh sean with your booty hole mouth he got 0.85

00:43:21.420 a mouth like a booty hole like a sphincter look at his mouth next time so like just like a sphincter 0.96

00:43:27.340 imagine somebody took i bet his his booty hole looks like a regular mouth i bet i bet that 0.53

00:43:35.840 and on that note man um this is this past weekend let me know any constructive criticisms man i really i

00:43:43.020 love it if you love the podcast comment on it on itunes say something nice um and be good to

00:43:49.600 yourselves man you know if you're being hard on yourself if you're trying too hard take a break

00:43:54.860 you know let some light into your life you know ask god for help you know ask your friends for help or

00:44:02.160 help a friend quit thinking about yourself if you can uh it'll make everything easier man it always does

00:44:08.200 uh i'm not trying to preach at you i'm just trying to be here with you but uh love you guys i'm trying

00:44:15.140 to love myself we'll see how it goes uh and this is uh monday january 16th 2017 and this is this past

00:44:24.760 weekend thank you

00:44:25.780 take us home charles engels uh laura remember little laura god

00:44:34.260 she would have been made a good sister mary mary went blind twice god what are the odds

00:44:42.640 you go blind she got kicked by a horse once and then another time

00:44:48.340 um i think it just like severe sunlight or a uh a flu got her she got blind again jesus christ

00:44:57.020 oh the kids were blind and the mother she never changed clothes over nine seasons 0.99

00:45:04.160 of television now that's a lady huh the dress she wore that dress and that apron and sometimes 1.00

00:45:12.380 the hair bonnet but sometimes at night she would take her hair down but still have on her day clothes

00:45:17.020 for night clothes ah that was teamwork

00:45:20.980 ah and the grain help your neighbor with his grains for the love of christ

00:45:28.040 you guys be good man i'll see you next week

00:45:31.380 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts

00:45:40.300 on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may

00:45:46.520 shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by

00:45:52.840 the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club

00:45:59.880 i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great 0.98

00:46:05.100 hi swia he's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker 1.00

00:46:12.380 i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club 0.71

00:46:28.600 second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you

00:46:35.380 listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better

00:46:41.880 okay

00:46:43.800 now

00:46:43.880 hi

00:46:46.440 have a good day

00:46:46.500 don't worry

00:46:48.600 they said we're seeing you

00:46:50.540 have a good day

00:46:51.960 in show notes

00:46:53.040 in side

00:46:54.640 the

00:46:55.120 these

00:46:55.940 folks

00:46:56.660 this

00:46:57.800 to be

00:47:00.300 this

00:47:00.720 i

00:47:02.620 we

00:47:03.000 we

00:47:04.640 these

00:47:06.080 very

00:47:07.180 good

00:47:09.700 to be

00:47:10.740 in

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 16, 2017

1 - 16 - 17 ｜ This Past Weekend #5

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