This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 25, 2017


12-25-17 ｜ This Past Weekend #62


Episode Stats

Length

20 minutes

Words per Minute

185.77483

Word Count

3,843

Sentence Count

3

Misogynist Sentences

9

Hate Speech Sentences

7


Summary

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! I hope you all had a wonderful and safe holiday season. Merry Christmas to all and Happy Holidays to all the listeners out here in the universe. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Celebrate living, celebrate misery
00:00:19.680 You know that soon we're gonna die
00:00:25.700 Let's have some fun while we all die
00:00:32.720 What's up guys? Merry Christmas!
00:00:36.500 It is December 25th in the year 2017
00:00:41.000 And this is that Christmas time
00:00:46.100 You know, some places they don't even have Christmas
00:00:48.760 When you think about it
00:00:50.880 Hell
00:00:52.440 Good luck in hell, dude
00:00:54.900 Maybe you get Easter
00:00:56.260 Some other places, they probably don't have it
00:01:00.460 Deep in space
00:01:02.060 Underwater
00:01:03.740 People in a coma
00:01:05.700 So I think it's that time of year when I wanna think
00:01:09.020 You know, that I'm pretty fortunate to have
00:01:11.160 A holiday like this
00:01:12.880 Where you can get together with others
00:01:15.340 And even get together with yourself
00:01:17.280 Crack in a little bit of yourself
00:01:18.880 You know, sometimes you gotta twist that top off of yourself
00:01:22.120 And see if you spoiled or not
00:01:25.400 And that's what I think this time is here
00:01:28.220 Christmas time
00:01:29.640 You know, a time to really just check in with yourself
00:01:32.580 Ask your heart
00:01:34.460 If it's still working
00:01:36.520 Cause you still got a lot of
00:01:39.100 A lot of time to kill out here
00:01:40.880 In the universe
00:01:42.160 Merry Christmas to you guys
00:01:44.300 I am currently in Natchez, Mississippi
00:01:46.600 And I just had a little bit of prime rib
00:01:48.900 So if you
00:01:49.360 If I sound
00:01:50.640 You know, like I got other animals' bodies in me
00:01:54.200 That's because I had some prime rib
00:01:55.860 And that shit was rare
00:01:56.980 You know, I was at a house party
00:01:59.180 With some family friends
00:02:00.580 And
00:02:00.840 Sometimes you get in that meat line
00:02:03.220 And you know, it's not
00:02:05.200 It wasn't like a buffet
00:02:06.060 Where you get there
00:02:06.740 And you get to pick your meat
00:02:07.920 Cause if I pick my own meat
00:02:10.200 Yeah, I get a meat I want
00:02:11.680 But sometime
00:02:13.100 When you're just cruising along
00:02:14.260 In the meat line
00:02:15.000 And you get up there
00:02:15.800 It means that you're gonna get
00:02:17.060 You get what meat you get
00:02:19.380 You know, you get what meat you get
00:02:22.760 And I got a piece of rare, rare meat
00:02:26.220 I mean, this thing
00:02:27.800 Halfway through it
00:02:29.780 I thought I
00:02:30.220 You know, I could have been a veterinarian
00:02:31.660 I wasn't sure
00:02:32.780 You know, what side of the
00:02:35.360 What side of the realm I was doing
00:02:37.620 Was living on
00:02:38.480 If I was dining
00:02:39.240 Or if I was
00:02:40.840 You know, maybe in the fourth year
00:02:43.640 Of some type of veterinarian school
00:02:45.100 Where you actually get to slice into the animals
00:02:47.100 Cause I had some rare meat
00:02:48.640 But I'm out here in Natchez, Mississippi
00:02:51.300 And I'm coming to you today
00:02:52.380 From Sharp Sound Design Studios here
00:02:55.460 I got a nephew
00:02:58.360 That's in this band called Bishop Gun
00:03:00.780 And I'll put some of their hits on
00:03:02.720 As we get into the next year
00:03:03.880 But he has a studio here
00:03:05.780 In Natchez, Mississippi
00:03:06.880 Down here on the water
00:03:07.760 And it's a really beautiful spot
00:03:10.140 And so I'm just fortunate to be here
00:03:11.500 I had to crack into here
00:03:12.520 Because the place I'm staying at
00:03:14.320 Doesn't have internet
00:03:15.220 You know, they don't have the world wide web
00:03:17.300 Not every place does
00:03:18.480 It's like a little
00:03:19.060 It's almost like a little Ethiopia
00:03:20.460 Out here in Mississippi
00:03:21.600 And they don't have it
00:03:23.380 And so I had to drive here into town
00:03:24.680 And we got into this studio
00:03:26.260 And it's pretty cool
00:03:27.140 To be here
00:03:28.640 And to be here with you guys today
00:03:30.800 I want to thank everybody
00:03:31.680 For a wonderful year
00:03:32.760 You know, I want to thank
00:03:34.160 Our charter sponsor
00:03:34.880 Gray Block Pizza
00:03:35.880 You know, and if you got
00:03:37.620 If sometime
00:03:38.920 If you feel your tongue
00:03:40.260 Around in your mouth
00:03:40.940 And you feel a lot of extra space
00:03:42.400 In your mouth
00:03:43.100 Then maybe what you need
00:03:44.680 Is a little bit of pie
00:03:45.500 A little bit of pizza pie
00:03:46.920 Some Italian style
00:03:48.500 Maybe you need to fill your jowls
00:03:50.980 With that marinara
00:03:52.700 On crust and queso
00:03:54.080 You know, you need to get that pizza
00:03:56.520 You need to get that hit up
00:03:58.160 And you can do that
00:03:59.460 At grayblockpizza.com
00:04:01.780 You know, I've had a wonderful
00:04:04.280 Experience so far
00:04:05.620 Here on Christmas
00:04:06.140 I got to spend time
00:04:06.920 With my family
00:04:07.680 I, you know
00:04:10.720 It's Christmas Eve
00:04:11.700 Right now, technically
00:04:12.840 You know, so
00:04:14.100 Some of you guys
00:04:14.620 Will hear this on Christmas Day
00:04:15.860 And I got to spend
00:04:17.060 We did Christmas
00:04:17.680 At my family's house
00:04:18.780 Yesterday
00:04:19.720 And my sister lives out there
00:04:21.920 In Santa Ma, Louisiana
00:04:23.240 And it's a good place
00:04:24.840 To get, you know
00:04:26.780 Medium, mediumly educated
00:04:28.780 Good place to meet an animal
00:04:31.740 If you ever wanted to get
00:04:33.360 To know an animal
00:04:33.980 On a first name basis
00:04:35.220 I got to spend some time
00:04:36.840 At her house
00:04:37.420 And they had two bunnies
00:04:38.320 One of them is a show bunny
00:04:39.500 And one of them is just
00:04:41.260 You know, a bunny
00:04:43.120 That's not really
00:04:44.020 Trying to be a model
00:04:45.440 Or trying to be fancy
00:04:46.860 And it actually had
00:04:48.740 Some congestion
00:04:49.400 And I put a picture
00:04:50.220 Of it on my Instagram
00:04:50.900 It had
00:04:51.300 One of the bunnies
00:04:52.340 Was dealing with
00:04:52.780 Some congestion
00:04:53.400 But it was nice
00:04:54.900 To be around animals
00:04:56.200 And just around family
00:04:57.320 And we had a really
00:04:58.680 Nice time out there
00:04:59.680 Had some donuts
00:05:00.600 My stepfather was out there
00:05:02.760 And he was in a war
00:05:03.640 And so he talks about
00:05:05.040 That a lot of bit
00:05:05.660 Because he got dementia
00:05:06.500 And it's pretty wild
00:05:08.860 When dementia gets
00:05:09.700 Into your brain
00:05:10.260 Dementia is basically
00:05:11.360 It's like the enemy
00:05:12.400 And dementia is like
00:05:14.700 Dementia is like
00:05:17.220 You know that kid in school
00:05:18.140 That didn't study
00:05:19.020 Didn't do any homework
00:05:20.020 Never knew what the fuck
00:05:20.980 Was going on
00:05:21.860 Never had any books
00:05:23.140 Never had any pencils
00:05:24.180 You know
00:05:25.220 Never washed his hair
00:05:26.340 Sometime had body lice
00:05:27.540 That sort of stuff
00:05:28.380 That's kind of like
00:05:29.640 What dementia is
00:05:30.560 And that person
00:05:32.380 Starts living inside
00:05:33.320 Of your head
00:05:33.740 And you slowly
00:05:34.380 Start to become
00:05:35.020 That person
00:05:35.640 When you're a senior citizen
00:05:37.520 And that's something
00:05:38.620 That my stepdad
00:05:39.260 Was going through
00:05:39.800 And he was
00:05:40.180 You know talking a lot
00:05:41.400 About being in the war
00:05:42.360 And stuff like that
00:05:43.180 But the best you can do
00:05:44.860 Usually if somebody
00:05:45.580 Has that is
00:05:46.460 You know hold their hand
00:05:48.000 Or you know
00:05:50.460 Talk to them
00:05:51.040 About the war
00:05:51.700 A little bit
00:05:52.320 Maybe give them
00:05:52.840 Some donuts
00:05:53.520 You know you can
00:05:55.000 Offer to give them
00:05:55.600 Beer but don't
00:05:56.240 Give them beer
00:05:56.840 Or liquor
00:05:57.500 But don't even
00:05:58.620 Give them liquor
00:05:59.260 So we had a nice
00:06:00.980 Time over there
00:06:01.840 And then I came up
00:06:03.320 Into Mississippi today
00:06:04.460 I got some other
00:06:05.620 Family up here
00:06:06.280 And I used to work
00:06:06.980 On a farm up here
00:06:07.800 When I was younger
00:06:08.440 I used to work
00:06:08.840 On a soybean and
00:06:09.640 Corn and cotton farm
00:06:10.740 And we
00:06:12.840 And my buddy of mine
00:06:14.940 A good friend of mine
00:06:15.800 Who I worked on his farm
00:06:17.840 He passed away years ago
00:06:19.140 But he has a couple
00:06:20.380 Of children up here
00:06:21.220 And I come up here
00:06:22.520 On Christmas Eve
00:06:23.720 And we spend time together
00:06:24.760 So we had a really
00:06:25.500 You know just a nice time
00:06:27.580 Went to church today
00:06:30.240 Went to a three o'clock mass
00:06:31.660 I didn't know they had that
00:06:32.660 You know that afternoon mass
00:06:34.820 It's kind of like
00:06:35.300 The same time
00:06:35.920 Like if you've ever been
00:06:36.460 To the grocery store
00:06:37.240 At midnight
00:06:37.680 It's kind of the same
00:06:38.540 Type of clientele
00:06:39.500 You know
00:06:39.920 A lot of risque sisters
00:06:42.360 And you know
00:06:44.120 A lot of
00:06:44.620 A lot of troubled brothers
00:06:47.440 And risque sisters
00:06:48.360 In there
00:06:48.900 You know
00:06:49.940 Looking for the Lord
00:06:50.800 Because you know
00:06:52.200 Something's going on
00:06:52.880 If you come looking
00:06:53.420 For the Lord
00:06:53.920 In the afternoon
00:06:54.620 But we had a nice time
00:06:56.780 At the church today
00:06:57.880 So that was pretty beautiful
00:06:58.940 And you know
00:07:00.080 Just getting to just
00:07:00.900 Feel the joy
00:07:02.220 Of being around other people
00:07:03.220 You know
00:07:04.900 And that's one of the things
00:07:06.060 That I was just reminded of
00:07:07.240 Is just to
00:07:07.800 Just quit thinking sometimes
00:07:09.500 And just be
00:07:10.360 Just be where I am
00:07:11.940 You know
00:07:13.380 When I get that urge
00:07:14.200 To go look at my phone
00:07:15.180 Just to let that urge go
00:07:16.400 And just instead
00:07:18.020 Just reach out
00:07:18.720 And you know
00:07:19.700 Touch somebody
00:07:20.700 That's close to me
00:07:21.420 As long as I know them
00:07:22.320 And as long as legally
00:07:23.560 I'm able to touch them
00:07:24.540 And that's just
00:07:26.400 And that's just what
00:07:26.540 I'm trying to do
00:07:27.120 That's what I'm going to
00:07:27.460 Try to do tomorrow
00:07:28.280 And a little bit more
00:07:31.220 Of this Christmas holidays
00:07:32.060 Is just slow it down
00:07:33.420 You know
00:07:34.740 Hit that slow button
00:07:35.760 Hit that pause
00:07:37.200 And get that
00:07:39.560 And
00:07:40.920 And it's been a good year
00:07:43.160 And I
00:07:43.420 You know
00:07:43.760 And I thank you guys so much
00:07:45.140 I thank all of my Patreoners
00:07:46.460 I'm going to put a video up
00:07:47.900 Later on
00:07:48.280 Of
00:07:48.420 On YouTube only
00:07:49.960 Of the time I spent
00:07:51.300 With my family
00:07:51.920 So you guys will be able
00:07:53.100 To check in
00:07:53.620 And get to meet
00:07:54.100 A little bit of them
00:07:54.900 It was hard to record
00:07:56.300 Because it's so loud
00:07:57.300 In there
00:07:57.720 Especially with animals
00:07:58.920 And people interacting
00:07:59.960 Because animals don't know
00:08:01.980 That it's Christmas
00:08:02.620 You know
00:08:04.140 Sometimes you see an animal
00:08:05.120 And you're like
00:08:05.560 Oh yeah
00:08:06.100 That animal knows
00:08:07.460 That it's
00:08:08.440 You know
00:08:08.840 Halloween
00:08:09.240 Or that animal knows
00:08:10.360 That it's leap year
00:08:11.380 But if you think that
00:08:12.900 That's honestly
00:08:13.540 And not to
00:08:14.020 You know
00:08:14.360 Throw stones at you
00:08:15.120 But that's bullshit
00:08:15.760 That's crazy
00:08:16.440 And
00:08:18.640 And
00:08:19.180 It was just
00:08:19.740 You know
00:08:20.020 When you got a lot of
00:08:20.700 People with dementia
00:08:21.480 And you got animals
00:08:22.380 And you got a lot of
00:08:23.960 Children running around
00:08:25.020 It's joyous
00:08:27.140 But it's a tough time
00:08:27.960 To record something
00:08:29.320 Where you can hear
00:08:29.920 Everybody artfully
00:08:31.280 And good
00:08:31.820 But I'll do what I can
00:08:33.000 With that video
00:08:33.440 And put it up on YouTube
00:08:34.340 Later on Christmas Day
00:08:36.280 What else
00:08:38.980 You know
00:08:40.000 I had a pheasant
00:08:40.880 Earlier for dinner
00:08:41.920 Next to that prime rib
00:08:43.220 I had a little bit
00:08:43.680 Of a pheasant
00:08:44.280 And man
00:08:46.120 This thing
00:08:46.900 The meat
00:08:49.200 Is so small
00:08:50.220 On a pheasant
00:08:50.960 Almost
00:08:52.580 And I just
00:08:53.080 Seen that movie
00:08:53.560 Downsize
00:08:54.480 Downsizing
00:08:55.380 Last night
00:08:57.060 With Matt Damon
00:08:57.740 And I'll talk about
00:08:58.340 That in a minute
00:08:58.800 But this pheasant
00:08:59.520 Seemed like
00:09:00.100 You know
00:09:01.060 If you ever had
00:09:01.540 A pheasant
00:09:02.020 You feel
00:09:02.700 I don't want to say
00:09:04.560 You feel like a pervert
00:09:05.560 But
00:09:05.880 You know
00:09:07.400 You almost want
00:09:07.900 To check the
00:09:08.600 You know
00:09:10.940 Like you almost
00:09:11.460 Want to get
00:09:11.840 Consent from its parents
00:09:13.180 Before you even eat it
00:09:14.360 Because that thing
00:09:15.880 It comes in a little
00:09:17.040 You feel like
00:09:18.940 You shouldn't really
00:09:19.460 Be getting to know it
00:09:20.260 As well as you're
00:09:20.780 Getting to know it
00:09:21.600 If you ever had a pheasant
00:09:23.080 So that was
00:09:25.040 That was tough
00:09:26.820 To get through
00:09:27.480 It was tough
00:09:28.540 To get through
00:09:29.080 As a young man
00:09:29.980 You know
00:09:30.360 Especially these days
00:09:31.520 Where you don't even know
00:09:33.040 How you can talk to a
00:09:34.140 You know
00:09:35.100 Someone or the other
00:09:35.860 You know
00:09:36.500 How you're going to relate
00:09:38.080 To the opposite sex
00:09:39.180 And you know
00:09:40.160 You just want to be careful
00:09:41.620 In these days
00:09:42.120 And tread softly
00:09:43.020 It was a little
00:09:44.480 You know
00:09:45.960 I felt a little risque
00:09:46.920 Eating that pheasant
00:09:47.900 You know
00:09:49.640 And I felt almost
00:09:50.320 At one point
00:09:50.820 Like I should put a little
00:09:51.580 Prophylactic on my tongue
00:09:53.020 You know
00:09:53.300 Because it's just
00:09:54.160 I don't know
00:09:56.220 If you haven't had one
00:09:56.880 You don't know what I'm talking about
00:09:57.760 If you have had one
00:09:58.720 Then you're right here with me
00:09:59.840 That they should put something
00:10:01.380 You know
00:10:01.580 In the future
00:10:02.700 I would like to know
00:10:03.280 That these pheasants are
00:10:04.260 You know
00:10:05.780 At least 19, 20 years old
00:10:07.400 At least
00:10:07.940 Or 25 or 30 years old
00:10:09.760 So if I eat them
00:10:11.240 In the future
00:10:11.700 I'm going to
00:10:12.200 Try and do a little bit more
00:10:14.160 Background history
00:10:15.340 A background search
00:10:16.280 On some of these
00:10:17.580 You know
00:10:18.160 Novice birds
00:10:20.180 That I'm putting
00:10:20.920 Into my gullet
00:10:21.680 I'm putting
00:10:22.280 Into my face
00:10:23.760 Especially here
00:10:24.540 You know
00:10:25.440 On
00:10:25.640 On Jesus' birthday
00:10:27.500 So that's it
00:10:29.500 You know
00:10:30.300 It's
00:10:30.660 I'm not going to do
00:10:31.680 A long cast today guys
00:10:33.140 And it's
00:10:33.900 Because it's
00:10:35.000 You know
00:10:35.220 It's your Christmas too
00:10:36.260 And it's
00:10:37.660 You know
00:10:38.900 We're out here together
00:10:39.980 And
00:10:40.320 You know
00:10:41.560 I'm trying not to
00:10:42.480 One thing about Christmas
00:10:43.720 Sometimes I get so many texts
00:10:45.320 And I feel responsible
00:10:46.540 To give out so many texts
00:10:47.720 And that just becomes
00:10:49.300 And you can spend
00:10:50.440 Half your day
00:10:50.880 On your phone
00:10:51.540 Just responding to people
00:10:53.540 And replying to people
00:10:54.500 It's almost like
00:10:54.960 You don't even get to enjoy
00:10:56.240 You know
00:10:57.800 The essence
00:10:58.500 Of the peace
00:11:00.220 That's presented to us
00:11:02.200 Sometimes
00:11:02.560 At this time of year
00:11:03.620 So I'm going to try
00:11:05.660 To do that a little bit more
00:11:06.880 Over these next couple of days
00:11:09.000 And especially on tomorrow
00:11:10.380 I saw that movie
00:11:13.040 Downsizing
00:11:13.960 The first
00:11:15.300 38 minutes of it
00:11:17.240 Phenomenal
00:11:18.680 I'm a big Matt Damon fan
00:11:20.300 And the first 38 minutes
00:11:22.460 Of that film
00:11:23.160 Man it will make you
00:11:25.060 Want to just
00:11:25.840 It'll make you
00:11:27.160 Pet your own eyebrows
00:11:28.260 That shit is just
00:11:29.580 Straight joy
00:11:30.280 Into your face
00:11:31.040 But after that
00:11:32.580 It got real
00:11:33.300 Ambitious
00:11:34.440 And it turned into this
00:11:35.580 It turned into a PSA
00:11:37.960 On not only on
00:11:38.740 Climate change
00:11:39.760 But
00:11:40.240 On
00:11:42.320 I guess on
00:11:44.000 You know
00:11:45.500 How we live in the world
00:11:46.700 And poverty
00:11:47.380 And
00:11:47.780 You know
00:11:48.720 It had some great ideas
00:11:49.800 But it was just
00:11:50.480 Way too much
00:11:51.480 It was supposed to just be
00:11:53.220 Like a fun movie
00:11:54.200 About getting small
00:11:55.280 And suddenly
00:11:56.340 It was this
00:11:57.180 Heavy movie
00:11:58.460 That was very confusing
00:11:59.940 And so
00:12:01.120 If you're
00:12:01.700 You know
00:12:02.020 Planning to go see it
00:12:03.080 I would wait
00:12:04.040 I'd wait
00:12:04.460 Till it comes out
00:12:05.020 On something
00:12:05.380 That's a little
00:12:05.780 More easily
00:12:06.240 To view it on
00:12:07.040 And then I would
00:12:08.180 Split that cost
00:12:09.200 With somebody else
00:12:10.020 Who's curious about it
00:12:11.200 Or just watch
00:12:12.200 The first 38 minutes
00:12:13.220 And make up
00:12:13.680 Your own ending
00:12:14.320 That's what we did
00:12:15.540 We went to the film
00:12:16.360 And we saw it there
00:12:17.840 And then we kind of
00:12:18.860 We kind of decided
00:12:19.240 To think about
00:12:20.360 How would we
00:12:21.020 You know
00:12:21.740 View the film
00:12:22.420 Differently
00:12:23.020 Or how would we
00:12:24.980 You know
00:12:25.480 A new ending
00:12:26.320 That we would
00:12:26.720 Come up with
00:12:27.380 So I wouldn't
00:12:28.080 Recommend it
00:12:28.940 But I don't think
00:12:30.480 It's a bad movie
00:12:31.620 I just
00:12:32.680 You know
00:12:33.640 It was the only movie
00:12:34.340 That I've walked out of
00:12:35.500 And
00:12:36.900 And one of the things
00:12:38.420 Was I was about to walk out
00:12:39.440 And then some other people
00:12:40.220 Walked out
00:12:40.840 And to me
00:12:42.200 Those people in my mind
00:12:43.420 You know
00:12:43.740 Being judgmental
00:12:44.560 I was like
00:12:44.820 Those people look dumb
00:12:45.840 And if they're dumb
00:12:47.620 And they're walking out
00:12:48.640 Then
00:12:50.020 Then I felt dumb
00:12:51.220 For staying
00:12:53.000 You know
00:12:53.700 I felt even dumber
00:12:54.800 So
00:12:55.880 I mean
00:12:56.720 That just shows you
00:12:57.360 Where my head was at anyway
00:12:58.480 Just sitting there
00:12:59.340 You know
00:12:59.580 Stuck in judgment
00:13:00.420 And stuck in
00:13:01.120 Weird shit
00:13:02.400 In the middle of the night
00:13:03.320 In the movie theater
00:13:04.060 But I'm glad
00:13:05.120 I wasn't spraying out in there
00:13:06.520 I'm glad I wasn't
00:13:07.120 Doing nothing perverse
00:13:08.200 You know
00:13:09.540 I one time
00:13:10.400 Man
00:13:11.800 I met a damn
00:13:12.520 You know
00:13:13.620 I
00:13:13.860 I made some poor choices
00:13:15.780 In some of these theaters
00:13:16.560 But
00:13:16.820 You know
00:13:17.640 But that's
00:13:18.000 That's the past
00:13:18.720 And we're moving onward
00:13:19.640 But I
00:13:20.700 I want to thank you guys
00:13:22.200 For just being a part
00:13:22.840 Of the podcast this year
00:13:23.980 I want to wish everybody
00:13:25.240 A Merry Christmas
00:13:26.040 And
00:13:27.040 I hope that you
00:13:28.140 You know
00:13:29.540 If you feel a moment
00:13:30.540 In your heart today
00:13:31.520 Or tomorrow
00:13:32.460 Or this week
00:13:33.180 During the holidays
00:13:33.980 To reach out to somebody
00:13:35.720 Or to reach across the room
00:13:37.620 And hug somebody extra
00:13:39.280 Or to fucking shake
00:13:40.880 A little motherfucker
00:13:41.820 In the neck a little
00:13:42.880 You know
00:13:43.920 Or to just take
00:13:45.460 Somebody's pulse
00:13:46.240 Sometimes that's
00:13:46.920 The most sexy thing
00:13:47.820 You can do
00:13:48.420 Is just walk up
00:13:50.020 To somebody
00:13:50.680 A family member
00:13:51.920 A loved one
00:13:52.520 Even a
00:13:52.960 A child that's healthy
00:13:54.380 You know
00:13:55.480 And that's not
00:13:56.180 That you don't have
00:13:57.160 Any interest in
00:13:57.960 And just take
00:13:58.500 Take their pulse
00:13:59.400 You know
00:14:00.080 Just put your hand
00:14:01.260 On that artery
00:14:01.860 And just feel
00:14:03.960 Their life in them
00:14:04.820 You know
00:14:05.960 Get that hitter
00:14:06.760 Right off their neck
00:14:07.800 And that's free
00:14:09.040 Just let you
00:14:09.640 Just remind yourself
00:14:10.980 What you're on earth
00:14:11.920 With
00:14:12.320 Other humans
00:14:14.040 Other people out here
00:14:16.080 Living life
00:14:16.600 And doing things
00:14:17.400 Because that's what it is
00:14:19.220 Man
00:14:19.460 I feel like
00:14:19.960 In the end
00:14:20.660 You know
00:14:22.040 When it comes down
00:14:22.860 To it
00:14:23.200 And they roll you
00:14:24.260 Down into that hole
00:14:25.100 Or they
00:14:25.600 You know
00:14:26.360 A couple people
00:14:26.980 You know
00:14:27.740 Throw you out
00:14:28.560 In a hole
00:14:29.160 Or whatever
00:14:29.620 Whatever burial
00:14:30.840 You're gonna get
00:14:31.580 That you probably
00:14:33.200 Are reaching up
00:14:34.140 Wishing you had
00:14:35.560 Enough
00:14:35.860 Just one last touch
00:14:37.460 You know
00:14:38.920 Somebody sings a song
00:14:40.000 I think it's just called
00:14:40.740 I'm just looking
00:14:41.320 For some touch
00:14:42.400 And it's
00:14:44.320 You know
00:14:44.900 I really think
00:14:45.440 That's what we're
00:14:45.820 All looking for
00:14:46.580 So I wish
00:14:48.440 That everybody
00:14:48.800 Has a wonderful holiday
00:14:49.620 I wish you
00:14:50.020 Keep your heart open
00:14:50.940 Keep your head open
00:14:52.120 And touch somebody
00:14:52.980 Take somebody's pulse
00:14:54.580 Touch somebody's neck
00:14:55.680 If you
00:14:57.060 If you are
00:14:57.860 Touch somebody's nuts
00:14:59.480 Or crotch
00:15:00.020 If you're with them
00:15:00.780 Like that
00:15:01.380 If you have that connection
00:15:02.940 You know
00:15:03.840 Be a part of
00:15:04.400 Somebody's life
00:15:05.100 You know
00:15:06.380 Just get it out
00:15:07.040 Of your body
00:15:07.600 If you gotta get
00:15:08.940 Something out of your body
00:15:09.780 You gotta get that
00:15:10.380 Feeling of joy
00:15:11.140 Out of you
00:15:11.680 Legally
00:15:12.560 Get it out of you
00:15:13.780 Cause this is the
00:15:14.880 Time of year to do it
00:15:15.980 This is that
00:15:17.040 Last week of the year
00:15:18.360 This is that
00:15:19.420 Run up to the new year
00:15:20.880 This is that
00:15:21.220 This is the finish line
00:15:22.460 So finish this thing
00:15:24.340 Strong
00:15:24.920 Solid
00:15:25.480 Finish this thing
00:15:27.620 With your heart open
00:15:28.480 You know
00:15:29.880 Finish this thing
00:15:30.560 Popping off
00:15:31.320 Setting off
00:15:32.180 Don't be
00:15:33.260 You know
00:15:33.720 Getting up early
00:15:34.460 To jerk off
00:15:35.400 Or don't be
00:15:36.400 You know
00:15:36.980 Doing a bunch of pills
00:15:38.100 Or popping
00:15:38.940 Percocets out there
00:15:40.360 Take care of yourself
00:15:41.840 Love somebody
00:15:44.040 That needs to be loved
00:15:44.940 Love yourself
00:15:45.680 That's what I'm gonna
00:15:46.780 Try to do
00:15:47.640 Cause man
00:15:49.140 We all struggle
00:15:49.860 And I'm not
00:15:50.340 Preaching at you
00:15:51.200 But I'm preaching
00:15:52.620 With you
00:15:53.160 You know
00:15:54.160 I'm trying to be
00:15:54.600 Here in your corner
00:15:55.260 And it's Christmas man
00:15:58.200 You know
00:15:59.460 And if you see a kid
00:16:01.080 Loving that Christmas
00:16:01.880 Boy
00:16:02.120 Make it even more
00:16:03.080 Lovable form
00:16:03.960 You know
00:16:05.020 Put a little chocolate
00:16:06.720 On
00:16:06.940 You know
00:16:08.560 Put a little chocolate
00:16:09.880 On somebody's neck
00:16:10.780 Or back
00:16:11.200 When I was young
00:16:12.000 And you know
00:16:13.200 We didn't have a lot of money
00:16:14.000 And my mother would put
00:16:14.680 Chocolate on us
00:16:15.580 Just like on our shoulders
00:16:17.020 And the big thing
00:16:17.680 Was to try to lick
00:16:18.400 The chocolate off
00:16:19.100 Of each other's shoulders
00:16:19.960 When we were children
00:16:20.740 And it was like
00:16:22.240 A free game
00:16:22.980 That we could play
00:16:23.540 It only cost my mother
00:16:24.320 About a dollar
00:16:24.960 Fifty to get that
00:16:26.300 Bottle of chocolate sauce
00:16:27.780 And we'd get all
00:16:29.520 You know
00:16:29.940 We'd just get them
00:16:31.640 Chocolate shoulders
00:16:32.440 Going on
00:16:33.080 And just running around
00:16:35.120 Just trying to lick
00:16:35.740 Each other's shoulders
00:16:36.600 You know
00:16:36.900 We were all family
00:16:37.800 Most of us
00:16:38.480 Except sometimes
00:16:39.200 Some neighbor kids
00:16:40.200 But we were close enough
00:16:41.820 Where there wasn't
00:16:42.960 Nothing wrong about it
00:16:44.120 We were just enjoying
00:16:45.040 Each other's company
00:16:45.840 So
00:16:47.740 You know
00:16:49.140 It's nice to have
00:16:49.760 Those memories
00:16:50.180 And share those memories
00:16:51.060 With your loved ones
00:16:51.760 If you ever had
00:16:52.280 Something special
00:16:52.800 Happen during the holidays
00:16:53.740 Share it with a loved one
00:16:55.200 Don't keep
00:16:56.980 Just don't keep it inside
00:16:58.100 If you got something
00:16:58.640 Pretty sitting inside
00:16:59.480 You let that bird out
00:17:00.560 And let that bird land
00:17:02.040 In somebody else's cage
00:17:03.080 For a little bit
00:17:03.740 That's all you got to do
00:17:05.280 To let it loose
00:17:05.940 I promise you
00:17:06.540 That thing will land
00:17:07.320 Whatever that bird is
00:17:08.940 A story
00:17:09.500 A moment
00:17:10.220 A feeling
00:17:11.680 A memory
00:17:13.120 A touch
00:17:14.580 A promise
00:17:15.220 An apology
00:17:16.420 Let that bird out
00:17:17.960 Let that bird land somewhere
00:17:20.160 I promise you it will
00:17:21.360 Alright man
00:17:22.880 Thank you guys
00:17:23.460 For being with me
00:17:24.200 On this Christmas
00:17:25.120 Merry Christmas to you
00:17:26.320 Happy Hanukkah to you
00:17:27.920 Happy holidays
00:17:28.740 Happy everything
00:17:30.340 Whatever you like
00:17:31.260 Or if you're agnostic
00:17:32.840 Or you're atheist
00:17:34.120 Look
00:17:34.760 And you want to be out there
00:17:35.740 Freestyling
00:17:36.480 Go on
00:17:37.460 Get out there
00:17:38.240 But I'll see you
00:17:39.760 On the other side
00:17:40.440 Man
00:17:40.660 Or I won't
00:17:41.300 You know
00:17:42.360 But if I get to that other side
00:17:43.360 I'm going to send you
00:17:43.940 A little message
00:17:44.560 You know
00:17:44.800 Something naughty
00:17:45.500 You know
00:17:46.680 I might put a little bit
00:17:47.420 Of a thumbtack
00:17:48.460 In you
00:17:48.740 In your Reese's cup
00:17:50.700 Or something wild
00:17:52.040 Like that
00:17:52.400 To let you know
00:17:52.980 That I'm out there
00:17:53.720 Because I'm going on
00:17:55.320 Man
00:17:55.580 You know
00:17:56.820 I'm not
00:17:57.040 I'm not staying here
00:17:57.780 I'm not staying here
00:17:58.920 I'm not staying here
00:18:00.560 Stagnant
00:18:01.060 I'm going on
00:18:02.100 When I go
00:18:02.680 I'm going on
00:18:03.800 Onward
00:18:05.560 Alright man
00:18:06.940 Merry Christmas
00:18:07.480 Be good to yourselves
00:18:08.340 You probably deserve it
00:18:09.700 And I will
00:18:10.460 I'll see you guys
00:18:12.920 Next episode
00:18:13.500 Thank you so much
00:18:14.420 I also have to get
00:18:16.600 In this ad
00:18:17.080 One more time
00:18:17.620 We have one
00:18:18.120 For Live Tree
00:18:19.740 Live Tree
00:18:20.420 You can check it out
00:18:21.280 If you're tired
00:18:22.480 Of watching films
00:18:23.220 Like I saw
00:18:23.860 Downsizing
00:18:24.660 They're no good
00:18:25.420 We can change it
00:18:27.360 The future
00:18:28.300 Of films
00:18:29.140 Is in
00:18:30.000 The hands
00:18:30.520 Of the consumer
00:18:31.080 You pick who's in it
00:18:32.560 You pick who directs it
00:18:33.500 You pick what happens to it
00:18:34.680 It's the fantasy
00:18:35.500 Football of film work
00:18:36.560 And it's all starting
00:18:37.740 At LiveTree.com
00:18:39.820 Check it out now
00:18:41.240 See what they're doing
00:18:42.140 See what's going on
00:18:43.480 See what the future
00:18:44.080 Can look like
00:18:44.600 And how you can be
00:18:45.480 A part of it
00:18:46.080 With that ad
00:18:47.420 Out of the way
00:18:49.200 Thank you guys
00:18:49.960 So much for your support
00:18:50.760 And I love you man
00:18:52.740 I'm trying to anyway
00:18:53.700 Fuck
00:18:54.140 I don't know what
00:18:55.420 Sometimes I don't know
00:18:56.100 What I'm trying to do
00:18:56.780 But I am
00:18:57.480 I am trying
00:18:58.660 And I'm not going to
00:19:00.100 Stop that part of it
00:19:01.180 Alright be good
00:19:02.300 Bye bye
00:19:02.780 Ladies and gentlemen
00:19:04.860 I'm Jonathan Kite
00:19:06.060 And welcome to Kite Club
00:19:07.380 A podcast where I'll be
00:19:09.020 Sharing thoughts on things
00:19:10.080 Like current events
00:19:11.020 Stand up stories
00:19:12.240 And seven ways
00:19:13.360 To pleasure your partner
00:19:14.560 The answer may shock you
00:19:16.460 Sometimes I'll interview
00:19:17.780 My friends
00:19:18.500 Sometimes I won't
00:19:19.820 And as always
00:19:21.340 I'll be joined by
00:19:22.160 The voices in my head
00:19:23.300 You have
00:19:24.180 Three new voice messages
00:19:26.180 A lot of people
00:19:27.640 Are talking about
00:19:28.540 Kite Club
00:19:29.180 I've been talking
00:19:30.260 About Kite Club
00:19:31.160 For so long
00:19:31.980 Longer than anybody else
00:19:33.620 So great
00:19:34.400 Hey sweet
00:19:35.980 Here's a deal
00:19:37.460 Anyone who doesn't
00:19:38.980 Listen to Kite Club
00:19:39.920 Is a dodgy
00:19:40.780 Bloody wanker
00:19:41.960 Charmaine
00:19:42.680 I'll take a quarter
00:19:45.040 Pounder with cheese
00:19:45.960 And a McFlurry
00:19:47.000 Sorry sir
00:19:47.560 But our ice cream
00:19:48.100 Machine is broken
00:19:48.840 I think Tom Hanks
00:19:52.700 Just butt dialed me
00:19:53.800 Anyway
00:19:54.260 First rule of Kite Club
00:19:55.620 Is
00:19:56.200 Tell everyone about
00:19:57.400 Kite Club
00:19:57.920 Second rule of
00:19:58.820 Kite Club
00:19:59.280 Is
00:19:59.840 Tell everyone
00:20:00.900 About Kite Club
00:20:02.100 Third rule
00:20:02.860 Like and subscribe
00:20:04.040 Wherever you listen
00:20:04.940 To podcasts
00:20:05.740 Or watch us on
00:20:06.960 YouTube
00:20:07.260 Yeah
00:20:07.680 And yes
00:20:08.580 Don't worry
00:20:09.160 My Brad Pitt impression
00:20:10.400 Will get better
00:20:11.200 J éléments
00:20:16.240 Duel
00:20:18.340 Terrible
00:20:20.340 Exit
00:20:21.020 Duel
00:20:21.920 love
00:20:22.240 To
00:20:23.240 Duel
00:20:23.960 Commun
00:20:28.020 Duel
00:20:28.080 Duel
00:20:28.720 Duel
00:20:30.300 Duel
00:20:31.100 Duel
00:20:32.020 Duel
00:20:33.360 Duel
00:20:34.180 Duel
00:20:34.240 Duel
00:20:35.120 Duel
00:20:36.820 Duel
00:20:37.860 Duel
00:20:38.060 Duel
00:20:38.240 Duel
00:20:38.920 Duel
00:20:40.000 Duel
00:20:40.140 Duel
00:20:40.200 Duel
00:20:40.380 Duel