This Past Weekend with Theo Von - How to be a man at Christmas ｜ This Past Weekend #61

00:00:00.000 Oh man, we're growing up, I mean we're really, we're really growing up.

00:00:30.000 That's a nice one, huh?

00:00:52.460 That's a nice one right there.

00:00:54.100 Oh Holy Night

00:01:00.560 That's a good one right there.

00:01:11.020 And that is Oh Holy Night.

00:01:14.440 That's a beautiful song right there.

00:01:16.120 And it is by Johannes Bornloff, Born, Bornloff, Johannes Bornloff.

00:01:26.120 And he's coming to us live from another country, not live, but he was live at one point.

00:01:31.680 Johannes Born sounds dead, like he might actually be deceased these days.

00:01:37.400 Thank you guys for joining me.

00:01:39.840 Merry almost Christmas.

00:01:42.620 Happy holidays.

00:01:45.220 Whatever you celebrate.

00:01:47.240 I hope you got a little bit of joy in you.

00:01:49.580 That's Oh Holy Night right there.

00:01:52.520 And I think they're talking about the night of our dear Savior's birth.

00:01:59.420 That's what they're going into there.

00:02:00.860 You know, and I think that's just that night where, you know, that baby shows up.

00:02:06.300 Where that baby shows up.

00:02:09.620 And that baby, they're talking about the dang Lord.

00:02:12.940 You know, they're talking about that mulligan.

00:02:17.140 You know, they're talking about humanity's mulligan.

00:02:19.080 When God was like, dang, uh, this ain't going so hot.

00:02:25.820 I'm going to have, I'm going to send somebody to a trooper.

00:02:28.180 I'm going to send my little super trooper down there to shake it up, shake it up. 0.78

00:02:33.860 And that's when we got the Lord.

00:02:36.120 And he showed up as a baby.

00:02:37.980 You know, the Lord showed up as a dang baby. 0.88

00:02:42.620 And people don't think about that sometimes.

00:02:44.700 You know, because if I, like, if I, if I go into battle, if I'm going out there to get things done.

00:02:51.220 If I, you know what I'm saying?

00:02:52.740 Heck, if I even go outside and it's raining, I need an umbrella.

00:02:56.040 If I even, you know, if I, if it's going to be dusty, I need to, you know, um, have special goggles.

00:03:04.360 You know, if I'm going, you know, if I'm going into a scary area, I might take a bow and arrow or take a little hatchet.

00:03:09.720 But to think that the Lord showed up out here, he showed up out here as a baby to do battle.

00:03:20.600 And that's, that's sneaky and that's beautiful.

00:03:24.560 And that's one thing that I think sometimes about, you know, when you get into these stories of, um, into these religious tales.

00:03:31.720 You know, and you, you hear, you hear them and you're, and you know, it, they're all kind of like a, they're all, you know, fables, if you will.

00:03:43.760 Um, and I'm not saying that, you know, I'm not, I'm not commenting on religion here.

00:03:47.660 Uh, they're all stories.

00:03:49.260 That's what I'm saying.

00:03:49.840 They're all stories.

00:03:50.880 They're all histories, um, that are meant to teach us something.

00:03:54.420 But, you know, no matter what book you're reading the story in or no book at all, but I do believe you're out there running freelance without any higher power in your life.

00:04:05.500 Good luck out there.

00:04:06.640 Okay.

00:04:07.340 Because you're trying to work an iPhone without a charger cable, as far as I'm concerned.

00:04:13.400 But it is interesting when you think about that, the Lord showed up as a dang baby to do battle. 1.00

00:04:19.900 Dude, that's the last thing I would do.

00:04:22.660 It just doesn't seem, it's, you know, well, first of all, nobody expects it.

00:04:28.100 So it's crafty.

00:04:29.000 That's crafty.

00:04:30.440 But you're just so, you don't have any real, I mean, your special skills are crying, you know, cuteness, you know, um, you know, uh, making noises, cute noises.

00:04:46.800 That's like your, basically your superpower is cute noises and burping.

00:04:50.780 I mean, that was the Lord's super powers when he showed up as a baby, you know, and that's just brave.

00:04:57.140 I think, I think it's brave to show up and do battle to take the, take away the sins of the wild as a dang baby. 1.00

00:05:07.060 You know, Spider-Man was Peter Parker, you know, Clark Kent, you know, at least Superman, his, he started off, he worked at a newspaper.

00:05:15.820 But the law showed up and said, you know what, send me in as a baby and I'm still going to get the job done.

00:05:25.720 So I got to say world's most successful baby or entrepreneur as a human, the Lord.

00:05:32.360 And it's that time of year, man, and that's what they're talking about, that Oh Holy Night, and it's just about, you know, how you show up.

00:05:40.420 How do you show up?

00:05:42.360 And this holiday season, that's what I'm thinking about.

00:05:45.700 You know, it's been a tough year.

00:05:47.960 For me, it's been a tough year, I feel like, to be a man.

00:05:51.120 And, you know, we've discussed that over the year and, you know, we've all thought about it.

00:05:54.500 We've had a lot of callers.

00:05:56.020 And it's been tough.

00:05:57.180 And I'm tried, constantly I'm tried.

00:06:00.020 I'm tried by my own ego.

00:06:02.060 I'm tried by the world.

00:06:04.580 I'm tried by others.

00:06:06.660 Everything tries me, you know.

00:06:08.760 Tries to get me to step outside of my goodness, you know.

00:06:14.960 Try to get me to step outside and be reaching out in the dark arts.

00:06:18.800 You know, and reaching into, you know, I'm supposed to just be at the fridge to get a sip of milk, but next thing you know, I'm in the cheese drawer.

00:06:23.840 And I got a knife and I'm cutting little pieces of cheese into my mouth or I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

00:06:30.340 And that's what I find a lot of times is that it's hard for me to stay in, stay in my zone, stay in my manhood and just toe the line.

00:06:39.880 It's tough.

00:06:41.240 It's tough out there.

00:06:43.440 It is tough out there.

00:06:45.340 And to show up as a baby and to toe the line, I think, you know, that's pretty cool.

00:06:50.640 And it's a powerful story.

00:06:51.740 You know, and also to be born out there in the desert, man, I mean, that's crazy.

00:06:58.240 I mean, I know good and well, have you seen a baby out in Arizona, dude?

00:07:02.420 You go out there to, out towards Bisbee, Arizona, out there towards, outside of Glendale, where it hits 130. 0.99

00:07:10.160 Do you see a baby out there look like a damn lizard? 0.97

00:07:12.480 I mean, they got babies out there weigh four or five pounds and they're probably about nine months old. 0.99

00:07:18.920 You know, you got a lot of babies that look like smokers. 0.95

00:07:20.980 They look like they've been smoking cigarettes.

00:07:23.040 And they're, you know, scaly.

00:07:25.860 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:26.660 You got, you got a little bit of, you know, they're, you know, they got, they got that lizard in them.

00:07:33.520 They got long tongues.

00:07:34.580 I mean, it's, it's hard to be a baby in a desert because you need milk.

00:07:39.620 They barely have anything you can even get milk out of in a desert, you know?

00:07:46.560 And it's, it's that time of year, though.

00:07:49.220 It's that old holy night.

00:07:50.220 And I like hearing that one on Christmas Eve and on Christmas time.

00:07:53.000 And, you know, and I picture myself, you know, doing something romantic, you know, honestly.

00:07:59.040 And, and that's, I guess, what I'm, I'm, I'm thinking about right now.

00:08:04.160 I'm thinking about holidays are this week.

00:08:07.440 You know, I just got to get through this week.

00:08:09.640 And how am I going to show up as a man and do what I got to do?

00:08:13.480 You know, because I need to.

00:08:14.700 I need to be there if I got a family.

00:08:16.160 I need to be there, you know.

00:08:18.520 I got to treat my spouse or my significant other with some respect.

00:08:23.000 One thing you can definitely do is, I noticed, if you get your ladies a gift, 0.99

00:08:27.020 don't use the same wrapping paper that you use for the children's stuff.

00:08:31.080 Dude, get your girl something nice. 1.00

00:08:33.740 Get her some nice paper or something sentimental.

00:08:36.320 You know, wrap it in a, you know, maybe her favorite shirt or your favorite shirt.

00:08:41.300 Tape it up.

00:08:42.620 You know, and just use different things than you use for the children's stuff.

00:08:46.100 Show her that you did that little bit of extra.

00:08:48.140 Or if you're dating a man, if you got a man that's a lover.

00:08:50.520 You know, if you're in love with someone that's just like you.

00:08:54.460 Which I think is, that's the only thing, sometime about homosexuality, it's a little bit egotistical. 0.99

00:09:01.360 You know?

00:09:02.560 Oh yeah, I think I'm such a great man, I'm going to love another man.

00:09:05.880 That's the part sometimes to me.

00:09:08.880 But you got to show up this year as a man.

00:09:11.280 And that's what I'm trying to do.

00:09:12.360 I'm trying to get out there, you know. 0.74

00:09:13.960 And let my small breasts out. 1.00

00:09:17.320 These baby A cups I got. 0.92

00:09:21.680 You know?

00:09:22.580 It's tough out there.

00:09:23.800 It's tough.

00:09:24.640 But you got to spend a little bit of time with your lady.

00:09:26.240 Maybe take a walk with her.

00:09:28.260 Hold her hand.

00:09:29.940 Tickle her. 0.99

00:09:31.620 When was the last time you tickled your lady? 1.00

00:09:34.320 Or your husband? 1.00

00:09:35.860 Snuck up in the kitchen and tickled that motherfucker, boy. 1.00

00:09:39.300 Get the giggles out that bitch. 1.00

00:09:40.620 Make them bubble at the fucking mouth. 1.00

00:09:43.760 You tickle them and love them. 1.00

00:09:45.740 Just shh. 1.00

00:09:46.700 You fucking shake them, boy. 1.00

00:09:49.140 I remember this thick boy one time. 1.00

00:09:50.880 I think I've told this story.

00:09:52.000 Started tickling me early in the morning in a hot tub one time on a cruise ship.

00:09:57.380 And I'm trying to keep him off and his body was all hot.

00:10:00.480 You know? 1.00

00:10:00.640 He had them kind of kid tits on him. 1.00

00:10:02.260 He was thick, thick boy. 1.00

00:10:04.380 Midwestern boy, you know?

00:10:05.780 I'm talking South Iowa boy.

00:10:08.080 You know what I'm saying?

00:10:09.220 Where the gristle don't miss you. 1.00

00:10:10.860 And he had that, he had that, just that gunt up under his chin, you know?

00:10:18.920 He had that neck belly.

00:10:20.740 That Nelly, you know?

00:10:23.100 And he, or that Threlly, maybe that throat belly. 0.96

00:10:27.580 He had that Threlly.

00:10:29.080 And I had to grab him by that Threlly and keep him off of me. 1.00

00:10:33.020 But because he was in the warm water in the hot tub, he was getting handprints and stuff all from me defending myself.

00:10:38.540 Because this boy was tickling me.

00:10:41.140 Which I think is shady to be tickling somebody you don't know.

00:10:44.780 You tickle a loved one or you tickle a kid at a party.

00:10:50.300 You know, where you tickle an old man if they're, you know, sleeping on a plane or something. 0.97

00:10:54.260 And you're trying to liven them up. 0.97

00:10:58.620 But you don't just tickle, fucking just, you know, you just don't tickle an adult if you're a kid. 0.98

00:11:04.340 Unless you're trying to, I think, get that money. 0.99

00:11:06.360 I think, in hindsight, this boy was trying to get me to get Randy with him.

00:11:10.960 So then it looks like I'm trying to, you know, be weird around children.

00:11:14.600 You know, next thing you know, he shows up.

00:11:16.080 He gets out of the hot tub.

00:11:16.820 He's got my handprints all over him from defending myself.

00:11:19.980 And next thing you know, I'm guilty.

00:11:22.180 I'm guilty of touching.

00:11:23.060 Because it obviously looks like I've been touching him.

00:11:25.320 Because his body holds a lot of handprints.

00:11:27.220 Because he got that, you know, that gristle.

00:11:29.220 That hot, when you got a little bit of meat on you.

00:11:31.880 And a little bit of thickness.

00:11:32.840 When it heats up, you can leave handprints on it.

00:11:36.160 And that's just a trial that I went through.

00:11:38.580 And that was last year.

00:11:41.020 But yeah, it's time to show up and be a man.

00:11:42.780 So you just, you got to do something special with your lady.

00:11:44.600 You got to tickle her. 1.00

00:11:45.880 You know, touch her neck. 0.94

00:11:47.880 You know.

00:11:48.480 You know, touch her ears, man.

00:11:50.860 You know, touch it.

00:11:51.500 But when's the last time you touched your lady's ears or your husband?

00:11:54.080 If you got a little husband.

00:11:57.120 You know, it's time.

00:11:58.040 It's that time of year to show up like a man. 1.00

00:12:00.040 Maybe do a little bit of recommitment to your loved one.

00:12:03.220 Or tell your kid you love them again.

00:12:05.780 Because I've never had a child, dude.

00:12:07.320 But I've been around some children.

00:12:09.700 And sometimes it's hit or miss.

00:12:12.480 You know, I was with a group the other day.

00:12:14.060 And there was a man who, you know, admitted that he hadn't really loved his, he had never really loved his son because his son didn't really, wasn't really the way that he wanted his son to be.

00:12:26.560 And that shook me down.

00:12:28.820 You know, I never even had a child.

00:12:30.200 But, you know, it's just crazy to, it's just a heavy thought to think that that kind of stuff goes on out there.

00:12:37.800 And there's nothing we can do about it.

00:12:39.040 Sometimes just the way we are, you know, we just have to manage it.

00:12:43.060 You know, if we got an infection and we got an affliction and we got a little bit of the dark arts, you know, we got that fancy, nasty, just nipping at our neck. 0.96

00:12:52.420 If that fancy, nasty monster is nipping at your neck, sometimes you just have to just shake it off.

00:12:58.800 And you got to stand there and do whatever man have to do and be a man.

00:13:05.500 You know, that's where I'm at.

00:13:07.900 But I wish everybody a happy holiday season.

00:13:10.060 Listen, you know, be that baby, show up and be that wild baby.

00:13:15.220 I mean, you know what I'm saying?

00:13:17.680 Jesus Christmas was a beautiful baby.

00:13:20.460 I mean, that baby showed up in the desert.

00:13:23.340 Had a couple of old dudes walked out to the middle of the desert to meet a baby.

00:13:27.160 Now, 100% illegal to do that.

00:13:31.160 100% illegal.

00:13:32.220 In fact, it's a TV show now.

00:13:34.180 Hell, if you're an old man even going to meet a 14-year-old for some lemonade or whatever, they bust you.

00:13:40.060 So, the fact that three old men were cruising out into the desert to meet a child, that's a crime now.

00:13:48.580 That's wild to think that what is the story of one of the most popular religions is now a crime.

00:13:56.940 And they got sheep there and animals.

00:13:59.060 You can't have children around livestock.

00:14:00.460 I know that there's some, you know, in some states there's some legal issues about that if you're trying to transport them across state lines and stuff.

00:14:06.420 So, who knows?

00:14:09.880 Who knows?

00:14:11.560 But I think if the Lord ever come back, it's going to be through an alien.

00:14:16.180 Or, how else could he come back?

00:14:18.440 Maybe portal?

00:14:19.520 Wishing well?

00:14:20.180 I don't know.

00:14:22.980 He could fly out of Elon Musk's nutsack, I bet.

00:14:25.780 Who knows how he could come back?

00:14:27.400 But it's nice to think.

00:14:28.420 It's exciting.

00:14:29.900 And it's exciting.

00:14:30.740 And that's what we got to do this holiday season.

00:14:32.540 As fellas, we got to stay in there and stay excited.

00:14:35.060 You got to show up.

00:14:36.300 Get up.

00:14:36.760 Get active.

00:14:38.120 Don't be thinking.

00:14:39.000 Don't be begrudging.

00:14:40.800 Go to your mother-in-laws before you get there. 0.85

00:14:43.000 It's not the same old visit.

00:14:44.460 This isn't the same visit you went last week.

00:14:46.640 This isn't the same visit you went two weeks ago.

00:14:48.660 This is a special morning.

00:14:51.500 You got to make it special.

00:14:52.780 Make it special for your spouse.

00:14:54.160 Make it special for your children.

00:14:56.000 Your animal.

00:14:57.100 Put a jingle bell on your animal. 1.00

00:14:59.580 If you got a special animal, put a couple jingle bells on his ass. 1.00

00:15:03.840 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:15:04.700 Show up and do what you have to do as a man.

00:15:08.300 You going to make mistakes?

00:15:09.420 Dude, I made a mistake earlier.

00:15:11.060 I had a, you know, I've always run out of gas in my life.

00:15:16.120 With automobile.

00:15:16.880 I run out of automobile gas.

00:15:19.100 And most automobiles run on gas, dude.

00:15:22.440 And, and I'd love to have one of the future cars that do not.

00:15:26.400 Where they're running on electricity.

00:15:27.680 Or some of them are just running on good ideas.

00:15:30.080 Or just, I don't know.

00:15:32.000 They got some of them out here.

00:15:32.940 Some of these little coasters, you know.

00:15:35.080 Looks like somebody got a little coffee filter on wheels out here. 0.53

00:15:38.460 And that thing looks like it's running on a couple of dudes dry humping in the trunk.

00:15:42.740 I don't know how those things are running.

00:15:44.120 What energy those are running on.

00:15:45.400 But, you want to, oh, but so I've run out of gas a lot in my life.

00:15:53.060 Ever since I was a child.

00:15:54.140 I didn't know that people didn't run out of gas.

00:15:56.820 You know, a lot of times I would see people on the side of the road and I always thought, oh, they ran out of gas, you know.

00:16:01.180 And I'd run out of gas, you know.

00:16:02.600 I ran out of gas probably about 20, 25 times before I knew, I told a buddy of mine.

00:16:08.780 And this was in college. 0.99

00:16:10.580 I was like, damn, man. 0.99

00:16:11.300 I called him, I'm like, I'm running out of gas, man. 0.99

00:16:12.860 He's like, what?

00:16:14.140 I was like, yeah, I'm out, man.

00:16:15.420 Fresh out.

00:16:16.960 You know. 1.00

00:16:17.700 And he said, what the fuck, you're fresh out of gas? 1.00

00:16:20.320 I said, yeah. 1.00

00:16:21.380 You know, the car only holds so much.

00:16:22.860 Most of the car is empty space.

00:16:25.580 You know, the trunk, they could put gas in there, but they don't. 1.00

00:16:29.060 And he's like, you're a fucking idiot, bro. 1.00

00:16:30.800 So, and anyway, he came and picked me up, but it was wild because at that point he's realizing that, that I'm realizing that a lot of people don't run out of gas that much. 1.00

00:16:41.180 But yeah, I ran out a ton.

00:16:42.720 I remember one time we ran out at a summer camp and I had a bunch of the kids help me push the car and everybody's parents got upset.

00:16:51.260 And I blamed it on a friend of mine and I think he actually got laid off.

00:16:53.880 But he also was throwing rocks at some of the children.

00:16:56.380 And he said it was like a game they were playing, but I don't think that's, you know, it's not a fun idea to be throwing rocks at other people's kids.

00:17:05.800 Especially not from close up.

00:17:07.580 You know, that's dangerous.

00:17:11.020 But I have a little cafe here.

00:17:12.900 I'm sitting here.

00:17:14.660 And I'll tell you one thing I'm going to tell you about how I spilled gasoline in my trunk.

00:17:18.060 But first I'm going to tell you about that Gray Block Pizza.

00:17:22.320 And we're always, we're so grateful to our charter sponsor that Gray Block Pizza.

00:17:27.320 And that's at 1811 Pico Boulevard here in Los Angeles when you're on your way to the beach.

00:17:32.960 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:33.380 Before you even get there, open your mouth, walk inside.

00:17:36.940 Look at the menu.

00:17:38.500 Look the order person in the eyes.

00:17:40.460 Tell them to fill you up.

00:17:42.220 Get that hitter. 1.00

00:17:42.940 Gray Block Pizza, the link, will be in our notes here for the episode.

00:17:49.660 And they got beautiful pies over there.

00:17:52.320 And that's Italian full-time food.

00:17:54.000 That's 24-7 pizza.

00:17:55.980 Some food you can't be like that.

00:17:57.800 Now and laters?

00:17:59.940 When do you eat them?

00:18:01.260 It's hard to decide.

00:18:02.160 You have one in the morning? 1.00

00:18:03.080 You are, you're a fucking creep. 1.00

00:18:05.380 You have a couple maybe in the afternoon. 1.00

00:18:07.700 Nobody eats now and laters at midnight.

00:18:09.340 Some, you know, some foods you can't have all the time.

00:18:11.820 But pizza is that.

00:18:12.620 Gray Block provides it.

00:18:15.320 I, uh, I ran out of gas, right?

00:18:19.060 So, I decided I'm going to get a can of gas and put it in the trunk of my car.

00:18:24.240 Because I ran out of gas twice this year.

00:18:27.140 So, I decided I'm going to put a can of gas in the trunk of my car.

00:18:29.840 I put it in there.

00:18:31.420 And I guess the thing wasn't all the way locked in on the top.

00:18:35.320 The lid, the, the, the top.

00:18:38.320 So, I've been driving around for two days, man.

00:18:41.140 I opened that thing up to that.

00:18:42.120 I started smelling gasoline.

00:18:43.140 I opened that up.

00:18:44.180 Woo! 0.99

00:18:46.080 Boy, that trunk is ready.

00:18:49.060 That trunk is ready for something.

00:18:52.120 You know, that trunk is ready to do a little 9-11.

00:18:54.600 You know, a 9-12.

00:18:57.000 That thing is ready.

00:18:57.780 I could, look, I'll sell that to a, uh, to an angry Saudi Arabian. 1.00

00:19:02.860 I bet I'll sell that car to an angry Saudi Arabian for top dollar. 1.00

00:19:06.680 Because that thing is, that thing is, it's wilding out.

00:19:10.300 So, I'm going to leave the trunk open while I'm out of town over the holidays.

00:19:13.740 Because I'm going back to Louisiana tomorrow.

00:19:16.140 I'm going to leave the trunk open.

00:19:17.540 And let some of that gasoline get out of there.

00:19:19.660 Because I probably spilled, there's probably at least a half gallon that got bounced around in that trunk.

00:19:24.780 But yeah, I didn't realize a lot of people don't run out of gas.

00:19:27.120 And, you know what, I'm still going to do stuff like that.

00:19:29.440 I'm still, that doesn't make me not a man if I do that kind of thing.

00:19:32.780 You know, if you run out of gas with your family this time of year, that's fine.

00:19:36.640 You know, y'all be cute, put on hats, get out there, hitchhike.

00:19:40.920 Anybody would pick up a beautiful family and some hats.

00:19:43.960 That's easy.

00:19:45.060 That's an easy one.

00:19:47.700 But still, show up, be a man, be who you are.

00:19:51.100 Be a man, do what you have to do.

00:19:53.780 And sometimes you got to, you know, you got to admit, admit when you're wrong.

00:19:58.220 You know, and last week, you know, I talked about a caller called in and I had, who brought a date to the show.

00:20:05.820 It was a first date.

00:20:07.540 And he called in a long time ago.

00:20:09.540 It was a long time ago.

00:20:10.740 And I had his girlfriend hit me up over, you know, some social media or something.

00:20:18.820 Or no, they'd gotten my number.

00:20:20.720 His girlfriend hit me up.

00:20:22.240 Or the date hit the date.

00:20:23.480 Not the girlfriend hit me up.

00:20:24.920 And, you know, she offered some sensuality. 0.99

00:20:30.380 And I took it.

00:20:32.540 I agreed to it.

00:20:34.000 You know, I knew it was wrong.

00:20:35.520 I knew that I'd met these people.

00:20:36.680 I hung out with them.

00:20:37.820 And the next thing you know, you know, I'm out there trying to cultivate this lady. 0.92

00:20:42.780 And I felt bad about it.

00:20:45.640 We had some calls that came in about it.

00:20:47.340 You know, some of our listeners weren't happy.

00:20:49.720 I'm going to comment on that in a second.

00:20:51.140 But here's a guy who called in.

00:20:52.720 He called in a couple of times as he heard the episode from last week.

00:20:57.000 He called in a few times.

00:20:58.200 Here it is. 0.96

00:20:58.700 Fucking serious, dude. 0.97

00:21:01.700 I just had to turn the podcast off because I think you just lost a fan, man. 0.98

00:21:06.880 This is Joe from Pittsburgh. 0.99

00:21:08.340 And I just heard you talking about how you fucked this dude's girlfriend. 1.00

00:21:12.200 Knowingly, you knew exactly what the situation was. 0.98

00:21:15.240 You went out with these people.

00:21:16.960 You went to the bar.

00:21:17.920 You hung out.

00:21:19.380 And you went behind this dude's back. 1.00

00:21:21.380 And you fucked this girl. 1.00

00:21:22.700 And you said it wasn't even a good time. 1.00

00:21:24.640 Dang, man. 1.00

00:21:26.640 Hearing you say it like that, Joe, is you making me feel like I'm a bitch. 1.00

00:21:28.700 You know, you really are making me feel like a child. 0.99

00:21:31.800 And I guess, you know, it was childish behavior.

00:21:35.080 You know, I was childish behavior.

00:21:39.300 Homeward.

00:21:39.980 Good time.

00:21:40.460 So basically it wasn't even worth it.

00:21:43.600 Theo, you got me so heated I had to call back and leave a second message.

00:21:48.180 This is his second call.

00:21:49.460 Joe called three times. 0.99

00:21:51.100 And I just can't stop thinking about the story you just told about fucking this guy's girlfriend. 0.99

00:21:55.840 And he keeps using the word fucking. 0.99

00:21:58.700 And look, I appreciate you calling, Joe. 0.99

00:22:00.260 And I'm playing this because I want to, you know, I want to hear what you guys think.

00:22:04.920 I want to hear what you guys' thoughts are.

00:22:06.280 And I want to, you know, I want to know.

00:22:09.280 And I, you know, I'm not going to, I don't want to shy away from what's going on with me. 0.99

00:22:12.660 But also you say fucking a lot, buddy. 0.99

00:22:16.320 And I wouldn't call what I do in the bed always fucking, you know. 1.00

00:22:20.760 I would definitely call it, you know, sporting around with my dick or cock, you know, or entertaining a vagina. 1.00

00:22:30.660 But definitely fucking is something like I feel like a brother does or like, you know, a real hearty Italian, you know, or those really skinny Polish dudes on the internet. 1.00

00:22:44.200 Them dudes, my God, man. 0.99

00:22:47.400 Are they up?

00:22:48.160 They look like they're powered by hydroelectricity, you know.

00:22:50.420 They just, they just got that one pump just going, you know.

00:22:54.720 But that's not what I do, boy.

00:22:56.780 I'm that, you know, I'm that shifty grifter when it comes down to being involved with the body parts.

00:23:02.720 You know, I'm not a, I wouldn't call it a, I wouldn't call sex my expertise at all. 0.99

00:23:06.720 I'm a novice fucker. 0.99

00:23:08.320 You know, I've been in there. 1.00

00:23:10.300 I've been out in them, in them cooter streets, you know.

00:23:14.220 I've been out in them cooter streets and them booty byways, you know.

00:23:17.720 But I'm definitely a novice.

00:23:20.580 I'm not, it's just not my finest attribute, my sexual abilities.

00:23:24.720 Now, sometimes I'll get out there and, you know what I'm saying, sometimes they order, they think they're getting that Miyagi. 0.98

00:23:29.880 And I'll hit them in the cooter with that karate kid. 1.00

00:23:33.240 You know, with that cock karate. 1.00

00:23:35.320 Hi-ya! 0.96

00:23:38.180 But let's hear more, Joe. 0.98

00:23:39.300 But the fucking, you're making me feel like you're almost giving me too much credit. 0.99

00:23:42.820 Onward. 0.99

00:23:43.780 I can't, maybe she wasn't his girlfriend, but they were obviously together.

00:23:47.480 They were out together.

00:23:48.420 You knew it.

00:23:49.300 You know, men are supposed to be hunters.

00:23:50.720 I can't imagine that you can't go out and find your own chick.

00:23:54.600 It's kind of like walking into somebody else's house and shooting their cat.

00:23:58.480 Instead of just going out into the jungle and hunting a real tiger.

00:24:04.080 I don't know if it's like that.

00:24:06.640 But let's hear more.

00:24:07.860 All right, Theo.

00:24:09.320 Had some time to cool down.

00:24:11.320 Still a little upset.

00:24:12.880 Still going to be a fan.

00:24:14.440 Once the tiny sandhu hit me.

00:24:15.820 I knew I had to call back and just let you know that I still don't approve.

00:24:22.360 Well, I appreciate that, Joe.

00:24:24.160 I do appreciate your call.

00:24:25.980 You know, and the thing is, like, I thought, you know, for a while it didn't put that call on.

00:24:32.160 But then I just felt like I had to.

00:24:36.840 You know, if I'm going to talk about, if I'm going to expect callers to call in about real stuff that's going on in their lives, 0.99

00:24:41.420 and I'm going to put some of their lives, not on blast, but on, you know, if we're putting shit out there, I'm going to put shit out there. 0.95

00:24:48.480 You know, I feel like what is our life if we're not really sharing what's really going on or trying our best to share what's really going on? 0.97

00:24:58.060 Dude, trust me.

00:24:59.700 I'm just trying my best to share.

00:25:02.840 You know, there's some stuff that, you know, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get out of my mouth or get out of my heart or get out of my brain.

00:25:10.820 You know, there's some stuff that's inside of me that I don't even know what it is.

00:25:16.540 You know, so I'm just going to do the best to articulate what I can in the meantime.

00:25:20.800 And I might, you know, there's going to be a lot of stuff I'll probably do wrong.

00:25:24.080 And this is the thing that I did wrong.

00:25:25.620 You know, I hooked up with this dude's girl that he brought to the show. 0.99

00:25:31.360 That's fucked up, man. 1.00

00:25:32.820 It's douchebag, it's douchebag stuff. 1.00

00:25:35.500 Like, imagine I go to one of them, I take a girl to a dude's show. 0.95

00:25:40.260 And, and I take a girl to a dude's show and next thing you know, you know, I find out later, then I go on a second date with her and I find out she hooked up with that, with the dude whose show I took her to.

00:25:51.880 Man.

00:25:52.200 Yeah, so, I mean, sometimes we have to, we need other people to show us what our behavior is and to really give us a look.

00:26:00.980 And so I just commend that guy for calling in originally and for, you know, and for telling and for, you know, putting me in my place.

00:26:08.100 Because the next time that that opportunity presents itself, I'm not going to present myself to that opportunity.

00:26:13.540 You know, and I've made, you know, I've made, look, dude, I've had some addictive behaviors when it's come to women in the past, for sure. 0.98

00:26:20.340 And I still struggle with it today.

00:26:21.800 I remember a time I was living with this fella and he used to train, well, he didn't train cats, but he would smoke some marijuana.

00:26:29.020 And I would smoke some, but I didn't like smoking marijuana with this boy, Mr. Ken.

00:26:33.520 And his name was Mr. Ken and he actually did some karate.

00:26:37.160 And he had some cats and he had these, he has two cats that already lived with him.

00:26:40.840 And then I moved in and took the second bedroom.

00:26:42.920 So I don't have any say in the cats.

00:26:44.460 I can't move in and be like, oh, what are these cats doing here living with us?

00:26:48.620 Because the cats already lived there.

00:26:50.820 They were his cats.

00:26:52.060 He was a cat owner.

00:26:53.800 Which is how that's even a real term in the universe.

00:26:57.140 Cat owner?

00:26:58.300 Yeah, for now, dude. 0.99

00:27:00.020 To Mother Nature fucking strikes back. 1.00

00:27:02.680 And they got lions eating fucking, you know, they got lions, you know, just, just chomping down on the spines of the, you know, of whites and Koreans out on the planet. 1.00

00:27:14.460 Out on the streets, out on the streets of Memphis and streets of anywhere. 1.00

00:27:19.880 Then we'll see who's a cat owner. 0.99

00:27:22.680 You know, because Mother Nature's about to fucking fuck everybody up. 0.99

00:27:26.800 But anyhow, Mr. Ken would get high and he would make me come out in the living room. 0.99

00:27:31.500 He'd have all these empty boxes stacked up and he would, the cats would climb up and get in the boxes.

00:27:35.660 You know, I guess one of them was kind of a show cat.

00:27:37.840 And the other one was just kind of a secondary cat that seemed a little bit supportive of the first cat.

00:27:42.180 And would do some of the same type of, Mr. Ken called them tricks.

00:27:45.980 I didn't think they were tricks.

00:27:47.840 You know, watching a cat when I'm high or two cats get into a box. 1.00

00:27:51.440 That shit's fucking stupid to me. 1.00

00:27:53.800 But I guess I, you know, I felt, I felt a little scared of Ken because this dude would do karate in the house. 1.00

00:28:00.040 We were both adults, man.

00:28:02.300 We were 30.

00:28:03.840 So when you're doing karate in the house and, you know, y'all just met, you know, there's definitely, there's something going on there. 0.99

00:28:14.140 You know, that's that fucking, that's when somebody's nipping. 0.99

00:28:17.300 You know, that's when somebody's catching a little bit of the, you know, they might have a little bit of, you know, they might have the damn, 0.99

00:28:23.300 they might have a, you know, something loose in their spine or something in their brain stem might not be on 100. 0.91

00:28:32.060 You know, they might have some of that, uh, ape glue or whatever it's called, keeping their brain stem locked into their spine. 0.98

00:28:38.520 But he, uh, so anyway, we, I'd have to watch these cats get high and whatever bullshit. 1.00

00:28:43.680 Uh, but yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man. 1.00

00:28:47.680 Fuck, I forgot what I was even talking about just now. 0.99

00:28:49.620 Um, of the nature, I was talking about the cats. 1.00

00:28:54.980 I was talking about, I had that roommate, Ken, and that fellow who, oh, you said it's like a tiger, it's like a cat, man, yeah.

00:29:04.000 I don't think it's like going into somebody's house and shooting a cat.

00:29:07.960 You know, I think it's just that, oh, oh, I was telling you this.

00:29:11.660 So Ken, Mr. Ken, the dude who I lived with, one time I was moving out.

00:29:17.140 I'm moving out of the place, right, and nobody had come to see in the apartment.

00:29:20.240 I'm showing the room.

00:29:21.080 He's been advertising it because his name is on the lease.

00:29:23.880 So I'm showing it, and this hot chick comes over. 1.00

00:29:27.520 And she, uh, she told, she, I showed the room, and I started flirting with her, man, because I couldn't help myself.

00:29:36.960 You know, sometimes I just cannot help myself.

00:29:38.740 And, and Ken told me, oh, I ended up getting her number.

00:29:45.180 And Ken told me, she left.

00:29:47.180 He's like, man, she's really interested in the place.

00:29:49.580 She seemed really cool.

00:29:51.260 Do not, don't hook up with this girl, man. 0.68

00:29:53.900 Do not hook up with this girl. 0.97

00:29:55.500 And I said, okay, Ken, I won't.

00:29:58.180 I promise that I won't, man.

00:30:00.680 And then a few hours later, whatever, she and I are texting.

00:30:05.060 I invite her out to, we went and did something or whatever.

00:30:07.960 Then she came back to the place with me, the room she was considering renting, and we made love.

00:30:14.060 You know, we made second, you know, we made first degree or second degree love.

00:30:18.440 Because I don't, like I told you, man, I don't shift into high gears when it comes to sex, boy.

00:30:23.480 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:24.020 I'm that artful, I got that artful idol.

00:30:27.100 I got that attack idol, but I don't have that third and fourth gear.

00:30:31.020 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:31.380 You might find me strutting out in second, but you're not going to see me in third or fourth.

00:30:34.740 You know, but, yeah, I ended up banging this young lady, you know, and Ken was pissed.

00:30:46.960 Ken was pissed, man.

00:30:49.140 And I think actually she ended up giving me the, whatever the, whatever the one is you got to get, salt pills or whatever to get rid of.

00:30:58.960 It's an infection in your wiener.

00:31:00.780 But it's something that you can get cured real easy.

00:31:03.620 Penicillin cures it.

00:31:04.480 They don't really have it anymore, but it used to be popular back in the day.

00:31:07.500 And she and I split a case of that. 0.96

00:31:09.980 But, yeah, you know, it's, it's obviously been something that I've struggled with in the past.

00:31:15.460 And I think it's just that I'm, I have to, you know, I feel guilty.

00:31:19.420 I don't know.

00:31:20.060 I don't, I just have to, I need some attention.

00:31:25.540 You know, there's something inside of me that's, that's, that's broken or something that needs some attention.

00:31:32.680 And, and, and I, I need it from women, I guess. 1.00

00:31:37.920 And sometimes I make poor choices because of that, because of that inside of me.

00:31:43.900 But, you know, it's gotten less and less over the years.

00:31:46.700 And it's something that I'm aware of now.

00:31:49.440 But I'm, you know, I'm far from perfect.

00:31:51.560 But I'm going to put my stuff out there on this cast.

00:31:54.180 Especially if I'm going to expect you guys to do the same.

00:31:57.040 So I appreciate your call, Joe.

00:31:58.520 I'm sorry that I, you know, I didn't live up to your expectations.

00:32:01.960 But I promise you that I probably won't live up to them again, man.

00:32:06.520 You know, I really probably won't.

00:32:08.860 So let's keep it cruising right here.

00:32:10.820 We got a rap that came in.

00:32:12.040 I haven't heard it yet.

00:32:12.800 We're going to hear it for the first time together.

00:32:15.280 Here's a rap that came in about last week's episode.

00:32:28.520 This past weekend was amazing.

00:32:30.740 He got so hungry that he almost ate an Asian. 0.99

00:32:32.840 He goes to Denny's even though he fucking hates it. 0.99

00:32:35.160 Because he always sees a beard on his waitress. 0.98

00:32:37.440 You got a problem with his hair, you should save it. 0.99

00:32:39.740 He knows it sucks. 0.98

00:32:40.620 He's just trying to make a statement. 1.00

00:32:42.580 He used to jerk himself a lot. 0.98

00:32:43.840 He used to spank it. 1.00

00:32:45.080 His brother tried to touch his dick under a blanket. 1.00

00:32:48.260 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:48.800 And that was, I think that was during one of the holiday seasons.

00:32:51.520 Onward.

00:32:52.520 He wishes that his neck was just a bit longer.

00:32:54.920 Takes his date to his show.

00:32:56.560 He might dong her. 0.83

00:32:57.740 Ooh.

00:33:00.160 Ooh.

00:33:01.540 This is Jay Savage coming in with this.

00:33:04.380 And I haven't heard this yet.

00:33:06.140 You know, the guys we got helping out now pulled this out of the hotline and put it out for me.

00:33:13.120 And there's more.

00:33:13.700 Let's go.

00:33:14.280 Let's apologize.

00:33:15.380 Because that's the dark arts.

00:33:16.620 Like people calling in and saying that they eat parts. 1.00

00:33:19.380 Drug-induced gay sex at a rest stop. 1.00

00:33:21.800 But they ain't resting. 1.00

00:33:22.580 They aggressively ingest.

00:33:24.440 Wow.

00:33:25.280 He popping off about them rest areas.

00:33:27.120 And we used to shoot potatoes at.

00:33:29.620 They used to have gay men meeting up behind the rest areas and hugging when I was growing up. 0.94

00:33:33.660 And some people used to shoot potatoes at them.

00:33:35.300 And we got involved in that one time accidentally.

00:33:37.860 People.

00:33:38.420 It was kind of like a local pyramid scheme.

00:33:40.020 And, you know, we didn't know what was going on.

00:33:42.420 We were just children.

00:33:43.280 Onward.

00:33:43.540 My dude Theo is a hamster expert.

00:33:45.920 A guinea pig prodigy.

00:33:47.280 He's really smart.

00:33:48.460 You would think he had a law degree. 1.00

00:33:50.180 Someone should give his ass a PhD in mockery. 0.99

00:33:52.520 He talks about his feelings and that really means a lot to me. 1.00

00:33:55.140 Plus, he's been in bed with fucking Joan Rivers. 1.00

00:33:57.740 Coming to the stage is a stone cold killer. 1.00

00:34:00.380 So, go ahead and drop his ass a couple billers on Patreon. 1.00

00:34:04.520 Because there ain't nobody realer. 1.00

00:34:06.620 Theo.

00:34:07.980 Great block.

00:34:09.400 Jay Savage.

00:34:10.860 Hitter.

00:34:11.760 What up, Tiny Sandu?

00:34:13.500 Holla at your boy. 0.81

00:34:16.780 Wow.

00:34:17.900 That's awesome, Jay.

00:34:19.000 I appreciate that.

00:34:19.880 That's Jay Savage coming in here.

00:34:22.680 Wow.

00:34:24.280 Man, that covered.

00:34:25.240 I felt like my whole life.

00:34:28.240 You know, when your mother.

00:34:29.420 I don't know if some of you guys had this.

00:34:30.880 And this is a blessing.

00:34:32.240 My mother made a baby book for me when I was young.

00:34:35.320 You know, my mother.

00:34:36.660 We've never been really close in.

00:34:41.940 In our hearts, I don't think.

00:34:44.160 But my mother.

00:34:44.860 When I look back.

00:34:45.880 She made this baby book for me.

00:34:47.900 And sometimes when I feel really disconnected.

00:34:50.260 I'll go read it.

00:34:51.140 You know, and I'll.

00:34:52.320 You know, if I just need proof sometimes.

00:34:54.180 That, you know, that my mother cared about me when I was a kid.

00:34:58.380 And I can ask her.

00:34:59.600 She'll say yes, of course.

00:35:00.800 But sometimes I need.

00:35:03.300 I don't know.

00:35:04.060 Something's wrong with me.

00:35:05.120 Sometimes I need more.

00:35:06.560 I need more than that.

00:35:09.360 And so I'll go read this baby book.

00:35:11.140 And my mother was very meticulous at writing down.

00:35:14.220 You know.

00:35:14.800 Little pieces of my life and things and stuff like that.

00:35:18.080 And it makes me feel a little more whole.

00:35:24.660 Just everything.

00:35:25.800 Like, you know, Theo was, you know, 27 inches today.

00:35:29.340 And he doesn't.

00:35:30.720 He likes to touch his feet.

00:35:32.360 Or, you know, he will chew on the edge of his shirt.

00:35:35.960 And he smiles when I turn on the light in the room.

00:35:41.200 Or little things like that that just, you know, made me.

00:35:44.360 When I look back on it, I know that she was very aware of me. 1.00

00:35:47.260 And you might think, well, that's stupid. 1.00

00:35:49.280 Of course your mother was aware of you. 1.00

00:35:50.560 You were a child.

00:35:51.700 But, you know, sometimes when you struggle with addiction and those sorts of things, there's something inside of you that's broken right around that area where you don't feel that all the time.

00:36:02.560 And if you don't feel that all the time, then you need reinforcement.

00:36:07.840 Which is why people like me go to different, you know, groups or, you know, seek out therapy, stuff like that.

00:36:14.980 But, Jay, what I'm getting to, Jay, is that this was almost like that a little bit, man.

00:36:19.060 And this was fun and this was real.

00:36:21.320 And I really appreciate it.

00:36:23.720 This is a, I got a lot of nice calls this week.

00:36:26.700 People just saying thank you and people saying they love the podcast.

00:36:30.380 And, you know, people giving some ideas of what we can do for the new year.

00:36:33.980 And we got things going on behind the scenes here.

00:36:36.160 We got things, you know, Gray Block's coming in and supporting us and helping us get to, you know, we're expanding.

00:36:42.420 We're going to be able to get some guests in for the second episode each week.

00:36:45.700 And we have some fun ideas.

00:36:47.380 We're starting to implement them.

00:36:50.360 We've had fans reach out with, you know, I've had about eight producers that reached out.

00:36:55.140 Bud Galloway, Chris, you know, Shy Chris.

00:36:59.980 And he's a Latino.

00:37:02.260 And, you know, it's just we got people on helping out now.

00:37:06.040 And it's coming along.

00:37:08.260 And this is awesome, Jay.

00:37:09.580 Thank you.

00:37:10.160 Because I know you obviously spent some time doing this.

00:37:13.280 And we'll go out on it again maybe at the end today.

00:37:17.680 If not, I'll put this up separately on the YouTube so people can check it out.

00:37:22.140 But thank you for that, Jay.

00:37:23.480 It's just nice.

00:37:24.300 You went through it.

00:37:24.960 It was real.

00:37:25.740 You know, we talked about the highs and the lows in there.

00:37:27.920 Some things that make me feel good and some things that make me just feel.

00:37:31.620 You know, and sometimes for me it's just about feeling.

00:37:34.580 If I can feel, I just need to feel.

00:37:38.480 You know, it doesn't matter if it's something that feels.

00:37:41.240 You know, there were times in my life where I just needed to be mean.

00:37:44.460 I needed to, you know, I needed to.

00:37:47.060 There are times where I just need to feel like people love me immediately.

00:37:50.800 You know, I need to feel the affections of women. 1.00

00:37:53.840 I need to feel like everybody's my friend.

00:37:55.720 I need to feel supported. 0.99

00:37:57.400 I mean, fuck, I have a disease where I need to be on stage. 1.00

00:38:00.520 You know, being a stand-up comedian is an affliction. 1.00

00:38:04.260 I have to go into a room with a couple hundred people that I do not know every night.

00:38:08.660 And I need them to laugh at me so I can go home and lay in bed and feel okay.

00:38:17.320 People are always like, you must feel on top of the world.

00:38:20.100 There's about four or five seconds when I get off stage where I feel in my body a, it's not a superpower, but it's a, it's an elevated.

00:38:31.320 I feel elevated within my skin and my spirit.

00:38:34.060 But then, after that, I just feel okay.

00:38:38.460 I just feel okay.

00:38:39.980 Which is all I'm ever just trying to feel anyway.

00:38:42.600 You know, I'm not even in this world a lot of times to try and feel good.

00:38:45.100 My biggest battle and the toughest thing for me to feel in this world is just to have been to feel okay.

00:38:51.280 But you guys are helping me and I appreciate that, Jay Savage.

00:38:54.780 We got another call that came in right here.

00:38:56.840 I want to get to us just keeping the vibe going here on this Christmas and showing up like men.

00:39:01.840 And here's a man showing up right now and asking for some help with something that's going on with him.

00:39:06.920 Let's go.

00:39:07.840 Hey, Theo.

00:39:08.600 This is Matt from Cleveland.

00:39:10.760 You said to call maybe if you had some addictions you were dealing with.

00:39:14.800 And my addiction is a little strange.

00:39:16.920 You know, I'm a big guy and I just have a really bad food addiction.

00:39:20.860 Are you on that food?

00:39:23.160 You're that calorie power boy, huh?

00:39:24.860 Let's hear more.

00:39:25.480 Really bad food and you'd think it would be as simple as just, you know, not eating bad food.

00:39:32.540 But I genuinely do not like healthy food at all.

00:39:35.620 I don't like salads.

00:39:36.520 I don't like any of that stuff.

00:39:38.060 I don't really like plain water.

00:39:41.440 Plain water?

00:39:43.000 That's just water.

00:39:44.000 So I was wondering just, you know, maybe what your advice is for someone who is having a hard time, you know, trying to eat and be healthy in their life when the stuff that, you know, is better for them is just not very appealing.

00:39:59.260 Okay, and this is a good question.

00:40:02.660 And you know what I'll do with this, I'll do for you.

00:40:04.980 This won't be until January because I'm going home and I'll do an episode from home.

00:40:08.380 But I'm going to have other callers call in and who might know more about this.

00:40:13.540 I know we have some fitness guys out there who are in that universe.

00:40:17.240 And this is something that we, you know, we all struggle with.

00:40:19.600 Do we all want that snack?

00:40:21.640 You know, we all want that piece of nast nast up under our tongue.

00:40:24.940 You know, if you, if you telling me if I could set a, I mean, look, even if you tell me if I could set a celery stick on top of my tongue or two hits of acid under it, I'll take two hits of acid.

00:40:37.100 You know, I used to eat acid.

00:40:39.720 So you, I know, look, you talking to a man who's got some rough eating habits.

00:40:45.340 So I feel you if you rather have a hot dog or a foot long dog, you know, or you rather have a little stack of grilled turkey necks or some grilled cheeses. 0.96

00:40:54.940 Are you just fucking waking up in the middle of the night and cracking open a can of soup from the side and just getting that hitter? 0.98

00:41:02.540 You know, that's your life, man. 0.99

00:41:05.700 But you're reaching out now because you want to, you want to see how can I get out?

00:41:09.320 How can I evolve out of this?

00:41:11.820 I'm going to tell you, first of all, I mean, if you have a real addiction to it, then there's groups.

00:41:16.240 There's a group somewhere you can get into for food addiction. 0.99

00:41:18.260 You know, Snackers Anonymous, you know, Chocoholics, you know, people that's fucking, you know, hiding grilled cheeses and, you know, cheesy sticks in their ass. 1.00

00:41:32.660 Some people don't even want to eat. 1.00

00:41:34.020 They just put the food right in their ass, bruh. 0.99

00:41:36.860 So there's all types of people out there that have problems. 1.00

00:41:39.580 So that's okay.

00:41:40.920 It's okay to have a problem.

00:41:42.260 You're trying to get past it.

00:41:43.320 You're trying to figure it out.

00:41:44.160 And I think a 12-step program could really help you.

00:41:48.440 But otherwise, maybe some people out there know.

00:41:50.840 So some guys hit the hotline, you know, 985-664-9503. 1.00

00:41:56.740 Matt likes to eat the shit, you know. 0.99

00:41:59.900 And I feel you, dude. 1.00

00:42:00.760 You don't think I want to fuck? 1.00

00:42:02.000 Look, I'll say this all the time. 1.00

00:42:04.620 I don't want to eat that turkey salad.

00:42:07.120 I don't want to eat that tuna fish cut sandwich.

00:42:10.400 You know, I don't want to get the, you know, when I go to Wendy's.

00:42:13.560 You know, I don't want to get the salad.

00:42:15.760 And get a burger, but throw the bun out and break the meat up and put it on the salad. 0.99

00:42:20.760 You know, I want to get the fucking chili, bruh. 0.99

00:42:24.160 And I want to pull out. 0.99

00:42:25.240 You know, we used to try to do the whole thing of chili in one big gulp.

00:42:29.140 And burn our throats. 0.57

00:42:32.060 You know, playing Hot Canal.

00:42:33.740 Me and my brother and his friend, Jeremiah.

00:42:36.720 We used to play Hot Canal.

00:42:37.940 And that's when you get that chili from Wendy's.

00:42:39.780 Pinch your nose off.

00:42:41.680 And just take that thing.

00:42:44.040 Take that douse, boy. 1.00

00:42:47.240 But you can't do that shit at a certain point. 1.00

00:42:49.620 You got to start taking care of yourself. 0.99

00:42:52.180 So how do you do that?

00:42:53.140 You got to find some substitutions.

00:42:54.400 You got to find things that entice you about eating healthy.

00:42:58.280 But look, man, I say this all the time.

00:43:00.640 I'd love to go lay in the park and shoot dope.

00:43:04.360 I'd love to be jacked up on heroin. 0.53

00:43:06.580 You know, and babysitting. 0.99

00:43:08.460 I'd love to get a damn eight ball and sit in a hammock. 1.00

00:43:11.100 And take a fucking nap. 1.00

00:43:15.360 Take that impossible nap. 1.00

00:43:18.000 Because I'll be that impossible napper, boy. 1.00

00:43:20.960 I'll be that fucking nap MacGyver. 0.99

00:43:22.980 People are like, you can't sleep on this. 1.00

00:43:24.400 You can't sleep on this eight ball.

00:43:26.100 You can't sleep on this acid.

00:43:27.560 Watch me.

00:43:28.740 Watch me work.

00:43:30.460 Watch me catch these Z's. 1.00

00:43:31.780 You know, but what I'm saying to you is I can't do that.

00:43:38.540 Because we have to aim to better ourselves somewhat.

00:43:41.800 And I know that's why you're calling.

00:43:43.280 And I don't really have the answer for you.

00:43:44.880 Except that I know it's possible.

00:43:48.600 And you're going to have to find some ways to do it.

00:43:50.600 I would start with fruits, man. 1.00

00:43:51.800 Vegetables fucking. 1.00

00:43:52.900 I don't like a lot of vegetables. 1.00

00:43:54.000 But I would start with fruits.

00:43:55.640 Juicing stuff.

00:43:56.500 Juicing is good.

00:43:58.420 You know, getting some carrots.

00:44:00.040 You can put peanut butter on any vegetable and it's pretty good.

00:44:04.500 Except for, you know, just peanut butter and spinach.

00:44:08.020 Not that great.

00:44:09.400 But let's see if some callers come in.

00:44:10.960 Call for you, Matt.

00:44:11.800 And I appreciate you calling, man.

00:44:12.820 Because that's a real addiction food. 0.99

00:44:15.320 You know, I want to be that fucking sugar bear. 1.00

00:44:17.960 You know, I want to fucking lay on my back and spread my asshole open. 1.00

00:44:21.000 And have somebody pour fucking honey in it. 1.00

00:44:24.020 You know, I have a sweet tooth, man. 1.00

00:44:26.360 I got sweet teeth in my ass, it seems like. 1.00

00:44:28.300 I want them sugar donuts. 1.00

00:44:31.320 You know, I want them snacky breads.

00:44:33.340 I want all of that. 0.99

00:44:34.600 I want that powerful fucking cinnamon glaze. 1.00

00:44:37.940 I'll let somebody take a can of fucking creme brulee paint and paint the inside of my mouth with that shit. 1.00

00:44:44.920 I want that sugar. 1.00

00:44:46.060 I want that affliction.

00:44:47.200 You know, I want it all.

00:44:48.280 But, you know, I have to do something better for myself.

00:44:51.600 And you can too.

00:44:52.680 And you will.

00:44:53.860 And let's see if we can help.

00:44:55.020 We'll have people hit the hotline.

00:44:56.660 All right, guys.

00:44:58.100 I appreciate you guys calling.

00:44:59.480 This is just a follow-up episode from last week.

00:45:01.620 And I appreciate it.

00:45:02.860 And I just want to say Merry Christmas to everybody.

00:45:05.780 Happy holidays to everybody.

00:45:08.160 Be a man.

00:45:09.380 Show up.

00:45:10.720 That's all you got to do.

00:45:11.380 You don't have to do anything crazy.

00:45:12.720 You just have to show up.

00:45:14.580 You just have to show up.

00:45:16.260 Be of service.

00:45:18.020 Help out.

00:45:19.560 Help out.

00:45:20.660 Help somebody.

00:45:21.480 Hug somebody extra.

00:45:22.380 Bring two extra hugs to every party you go to. 1.00

00:45:26.580 And hug a motherfucker. 1.00

00:45:28.720 You know my thing. 1.00

00:45:29.620 Hug somebody that don't like you.

00:45:30.960 That's my thing.

00:45:31.900 Get it on video.

00:45:32.880 Send it in to me.

00:45:34.320 And I'll make sure to post that thing.

00:45:37.340 Hashtag hug somebody that hates you.

00:45:40.460 But I want to thank everybody.

00:45:43.240 Oh, I got a couple of Christmas gifts.

00:45:44.460 I want to tell you about them really quick.

00:45:46.580 So I got one came in.

00:45:50.740 I already opened it up.

00:45:51.980 And I opened it on the Patreon, man.

00:45:53.560 And these are the kind of things you get to see on the Patreon.

00:45:55.460 I opened it up on there.

00:45:56.220 And I talked more about it.

00:45:57.180 But I just thought it was so nice.

00:45:58.880 I wanted to tell about it on here.

00:46:01.280 And it said,

00:46:02.840 Hey Theo, what's up Cat Daddy?

00:46:04.440 I'm glad this could actually become full circle.

00:46:06.340 I'm a huge fan of comedy podcasts.

00:46:07.920 And listen to them as I do my side gig here.

00:46:10.440 And make these candles.

00:46:11.820 And this man is a candle man.

00:46:13.140 A lot of y'all might think men make candles. 1.00

00:46:15.660 Yeah, men out there making fucking candles. 1.00

00:46:18.200 Why? 0.99

00:46:18.640 Because they won't let us be warlords anymore.

00:46:21.180 Because they won't let us throw axes at our neighbors anymore.

00:46:24.340 And shoot people with archery.

00:46:26.500 So this man made these beautiful candles.

00:46:28.280 And he asked me what kind I wanted.

00:46:29.440 I wanted root beer.

00:46:31.600 Because my mother used to give me root beer candies sometimes.

00:46:33.860 When we would go on road trips.

00:46:35.760 And she used to sell cookies. 0.97

00:46:37.120 And I would go along with her and sell cookies.

00:46:38.780 And she would give me root beer candies.

00:46:40.360 To keep me off of the cookies.

00:46:41.680 But this one called The Reverend.

00:46:44.320 Avery Brewing.

00:46:45.060 These are out of Boulder, Colorado.

00:46:47.080 And I like these.

00:46:49.340 He goes, I hope you enjoy.

00:46:50.460 Be good to yourself.

00:46:51.140 Because you probably deserve it.

00:46:52.260 And thank you for this candle.

00:46:53.240 This is a root beer candle.

00:46:54.160 I'm going to keep it on my desk here.

00:46:55.320 Thank you very much.

00:46:56.920 As well.

00:46:58.800 What else did I get?

00:47:00.060 Oh, I got a really cool pillow.

00:47:01.220 And I got a book too.

00:47:02.500 A book came in.

00:47:04.600 From my boy Chris.

00:47:05.700 So, who's helping out.

00:47:08.840 On the Sunday night episodes.

00:47:11.460 And that's it guys.

00:47:13.600 I appreciate you guys calling.

00:47:15.160 I love you.

00:47:15.760 We'll get into some more calls.

00:47:16.800 A lot of them came in.

00:47:17.480 We'll get into some of them on Monday.

00:47:19.780 But thank you guys for listening to this past weekend.

00:47:22.340 On the way out.

00:47:23.040 I'm going to take us out with.

00:47:25.600 Do you want to hear the rap again?

00:47:27.100 Or do we want that Chris?

00:47:29.000 I don't know what to do.

00:47:32.960 I'll let.

00:47:33.920 What do we do?

00:47:34.700 Let's.

00:47:35.460 I think we go out with the sounds that we came in with.

00:47:37.860 And no offense to you Jay Savage.

00:47:39.280 I'll put the.

00:47:39.780 I'll put the rap up separately in a separate clip.

00:47:42.860 And.

00:47:43.820 And this is.

00:47:44.800 Oh Holy Night.

00:47:46.360 The piano for Epidemic Sounds.

00:47:48.500 From Epidemic Sounds.

00:47:50.080 But before we go.

00:47:50.900 I got to also tell you that.

00:47:53.120 And this is the truth man.

00:47:54.420 A lot of movies.

00:47:55.280 They're not good.

00:47:56.760 A lot of sequels.

00:47:57.860 It's remakes.

00:47:58.520 They keep doing it.

00:47:59.480 It's ineffective.

00:48:00.980 You know.

00:48:01.240 They want.

00:48:02.200 You know.

00:48:02.820 Sleeping with the enemy.

00:48:03.880 Nine.

00:48:05.060 And nobody's even sleeping together anymore.

00:48:06.760 It's just two people just jerking each other off somewhere.

00:48:09.240 And they're not even enemies.

00:48:10.420 They're friends.

00:48:11.220 That's how bad some of these sequels have gotten.

00:48:14.180 And there's other ones too. 0.98

00:48:16.500 Pig. 0.99

00:48:17.000 Babe. 1.00

00:48:17.480 Babe. 0.99

00:48:17.960 Pig in the City. 0.98

00:48:19.500 Nothing now. 0.99

00:48:20.340 It's Babe.

00:48:20.680 The last one was Babe.

00:48:22.320 Bacon for Sale.

00:48:23.760 And that's the whole series.

00:48:24.740 It's like the fifth installment of the series.

00:48:27.120 But I'm just saying a lot of movies are bad.

00:48:29.220 And it's because it's just so hard to get anything made these days.

00:48:34.060 Especially with all these molesters working in the industry. 0.97

00:48:36.500 And all these sex deviants. 0.95

00:48:38.680 But things have changed now. 0.92

00:48:40.780 Because now you can go to LiveTree.com.

00:48:43.320 And you can become an investor.

00:48:45.660 And you can pick who produces.

00:48:47.220 Who stars in.

00:48:48.920 Who casts.

00:48:50.540 And what the plot lines are.

00:48:51.860 Where you can have a say.

00:48:53.460 In what is actually created.

00:48:54.900 And have a piece of the back end.

00:48:57.020 So that means that you can invest.

00:48:58.460 It's almost like fantasy football.

00:48:59.980 But for film.

00:49:01.020 You can invest in what you see on the silver screen.

00:49:03.260 And you can own a piece of it.

00:49:04.920 And have some return.

00:49:06.340 Have some actual return on your investment.

00:49:09.240 It's like outsourcing movies.

00:49:11.380 To the universe.

00:49:12.560 Go check it out.

00:49:13.260 LiveTree.com

00:49:14.600 Thank you guys again.

00:49:15.840 Go to TheoVaughn.com

00:49:17.160 Slash store.

00:49:18.720 We got some new Onward shirts that are up there.

00:49:21.200 I got a couple of dates right here.

00:49:22.740 I'm going to be at the Brea Improv.

00:49:24.140 In Brea, California.

00:49:25.360 And that's January 11th through the 14th.

00:49:29.120 January 18th through the 20th.

00:49:31.100 I'll be at Jacksonville, Florida.

00:49:32.780 At the New Comedy Club.

00:49:35.460 February 16th and 17th.

00:49:37.300 I'll be in La Jolla, California.

00:49:40.140 At the La Jolla Comedy Store.

00:49:41.500 16th, 17th, and 18th.

00:49:43.460 And then also in early April.

00:49:45.480 April 6th and 7th.

00:49:47.320 I'll be in Tampa.

00:49:48.700 And that's going to be at Rock Brothers Brewery.

00:49:51.260 Those tickets are not.

00:49:52.360 None of those tickets are for sale yet on my website.

00:49:54.660 But they will be here within the next few days.

00:49:57.620 Happy holidays to you.

00:49:58.960 Thank you guys so much.

00:49:59.880 I love you.

00:50:00.860 Be good to yourselves.

00:50:02.400 You deserve it, man.

00:50:03.300 We all deserve it.

00:50:04.560 You know, be that baby.

00:50:06.160 Show up and be that beautiful, charming baby.

00:50:09.660 But be a man.

00:50:11.560 Know that you're going to become a man.

00:50:12.880 And know that you're going to make a difference.

00:50:14.220 Be it all.

00:50:14.840 You can be it all.

00:50:16.100 You just have to do it for one day.

00:50:17.980 Just Christmas.

00:50:18.640 You just have to do it for one day.

00:50:25.560 You can be it all.

00:50:26.420 You can be it all.

00:50:34.580 You can be it all.

00:50:35.560 You just have to do it يمكن to do it. 0.89

00:50:36.880 Thank you.

00:51:06.880 Thank you.

00:51:36.880 Thank you.

00:52:06.880 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

00:52:08.860 Sometimes I won't.

00:52:10.540 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

00:52:13.460 You have three new voice messages.

00:52:16.060 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

00:52:19.400 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

00:52:22.040 Longer than anybody else.

00:52:23.740 So great.

00:52:25.100 Hi.

00:52:25.680 Sweetie.

00:52:26.640 Easy to. 1.00

00:52:27.960 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

00:52:31.960 Jermaine. 0.99

00:52:33.400 Hi.

00:52:34.120 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

00:52:37.020 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

00:52:39.140 Oh, no.

00:52:40.640 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.

00:52:43.860 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:52:48.000 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

00:52:52.220 Third rule.

00:52:53.200 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

00:52:55.900 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

00:52:58.020 And yes, don't worry.

00:52:59.260 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 21, 2017

How to be a man at Christmas ｜ This Past Weekend #61

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