This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Like a Virgin

00:00:00.000 What's up you grim reapers, you trim creepers, time to shed your skin, time to take off your dirty skirt.

00:00:08.440 2017 is over, Rover, and we are somewhere new.

00:00:12.980 We are onward.

00:00:15.160 So sharpen up your dick and tits and let's go get it.

00:00:18.780 We got hamster ranchers, haters, fat attackers, expiring virginities, and time travelers.

00:00:25.180 Welcome to This Past Weekend.

00:00:27.560 This Past Weekend

00:00:57.560 January 1.

00:01:07.720 What's up guys? Just like that. Cut that off. Drop that end note.

00:01:13.320 I'm dropping that end note, man, because I'm dropping that year.

00:01:16.980 I just dropped that year off.

00:01:19.560 Welcome to 2018, boy!

00:01:23.720 Man, I'm hyped.

00:01:25.880 It's the future.

00:01:27.700 Do you even know that it is the future?

00:01:30.480 Right now.

00:01:32.400 You know, there was a time when you were younger, when you were a child, and you might have been a, you know, a chubby child.

00:01:37.540 Or you might have, you know, I remember there was one summer I had real fat thighs on me.

00:01:43.640 You know, because I come from people that's real hearty in the ass.

00:01:47.640 You know, I got that ass and I got the ass and rear of kind of a urban girl or a Down syndrome boy or girl.

00:01:54.800 And, you know, I got that fat retention around my anus and hips.

00:02:02.720 And I remember there was a time when I was young when a lot of, when a lot of, I had some short shorts that I had to wear.

00:02:10.900 And I remember just how short they were on me.

00:02:14.700 And just every time I would go somewhere, they would feel so naughty.

00:02:18.500 You know, I even remember as a child just feeling, because they would bunch up, but it was just because my growth.

00:02:24.460 My growth was headed down this wild little, wild little, you know, little route.

00:02:31.800 My growth was going down this wild route where I was going to look a little, you know, robust.

00:02:37.440 And, and I remember my shorts would just, they would always creep up on my thighs and be all naughty.

00:02:44.300 And I remember, you know, at that time, sometimes men that were local men that were probably, you know, kind of had those, you know, kind of had the devil just, just being stalking up and down their spine.

00:03:02.380 And, you know, just climbing up and down their spine, some men like that would look at me, I think sometimes with a little bit of that, like I was like a young scallop or something.

00:03:14.120 And they were just a hardy sailor and they just wanted to bite into daddy, little daddy at the time, because I was a child.

00:03:20.780 But anyhow, what I'm saying is I remember being a child and thinking, man, you know, I wonder what the future is going to be like.

00:03:29.300 I wonder what the future is going to be like.

00:03:32.540 And now here we are, here we are in the future.

00:03:37.240 Let me turn this audio up a little bit so I can catch you guys, man.

00:03:40.660 There we go right there.

00:03:42.440 Yeah.

00:03:42.700 Now we are in the future and I'm happy to be here with you guys.

00:03:46.000 It's 2018.

00:03:47.320 Happy new year to you.

00:03:49.020 2017 is over.

00:03:51.100 If you had something flashing back there, you know, if you had a little bit of grease lightning, electrocuting your insides, then that's over.

00:04:01.540 If you had something, I bet you had something good happen to everybody looks at 2017.

00:04:05.680 I see all these things.

00:04:06.460 So glad it's over.

00:04:07.700 Dude, 2017, that shit was wild.

00:04:12.360 You know, I've been alive for 37 of these things, of these spatial roundabouts.

00:04:18.160 You know, I've been alive for 37 of these outer space disco spins.

00:04:24.300 And I'll tell you this, that this one was the wildest.

00:04:30.800 People are feeling lit up.

00:04:33.480 People are feeling erect in their souls, I think.

00:04:37.000 Fired up.

00:04:38.900 You know, people want this or don't want that.

00:04:41.920 People are, you know, standing up for this and, you know, uncertain about that.

00:04:47.360 Last year made me think.

00:04:49.440 Last year made me think about who I was.

00:04:53.100 Made me think about who I was, man.

00:04:55.740 You had a lot of stuff last year.

00:04:57.140 You had the election going on.

00:04:59.080 It made you think, like, you know, what's your line in the sand for, you know, what America is and what America isn't?

00:05:09.460 And what you want the future in this country to look like and who represents that.

00:05:16.460 You know, even if you don't think, I mean, and I'm not a fan of politicians.

00:05:20.000 I think the past, I'd probably say maybe 30 years in politics have been sold out in America.

00:05:25.900 Where it's, you know, it's just big businesses.

00:05:28.860 These politicians are just puppets.

00:05:34.360 But, you know, it's like we had this past year where at least you had to kind of pick a side in your heart a little bit.

00:05:41.640 Or you had to see, you know, and you can see through the cracks now of these people.

00:05:46.020 You know, you can see how, you know, how grimy and gritty these people get to get this office.

00:05:51.580 And how much of an egomaniac you have to be to live, I bet, in that whole political world.

00:05:58.180 But it made you stand up last year and think.

00:06:01.300 You know, you had the Black Lives Matter that, you know, that was abundant last year.

00:06:05.400 It made you think, man.

00:06:07.120 Some people were like, yeah, well, fuck it, you know.

00:06:10.140 This.

00:06:10.600 And some other people were like, well, you know, what are you kneeling for?

00:06:14.300 You're at your job.

00:06:15.140 Do your job, you know.

00:06:16.420 I don't call, you know, I don't, you know, stop by Starbucks to ask the barista how they feel about something.

00:06:23.220 I stop by Starbucks to get coffee, you know.

00:06:25.760 So I stop by the NFL to get football.

00:06:29.260 You know, it's an escape from, you know, the callings and the questions of society.

00:06:39.420 But last year it was inflicted.

00:06:43.580 You know, one, everything was on top of the other thing.

00:06:46.860 There was no walls.

00:06:49.080 There was no separation.

00:06:51.860 Everything was flooding into everything else.

00:06:55.040 And I, you know what, I, it was tough.

00:06:57.800 I mean, there were some weeks there where I just couldn't friggin' stand.

00:07:02.480 Uh, just the media, just, how the media just, just has so much blood on their hands but takes no accountability.

00:07:13.040 There were times where I couldn't stand how, the lack of empathy.

00:07:19.260 You know, there were times where I couldn't stand it.

00:07:21.700 But, but it also, it may, it just made me question, it made me question, well, do I, do I have racism in me?

00:07:31.540 Do I have, do I, you know, you had the, the woman gate at the end of the year.

00:07:36.320 And I'm gonna call it woman gate.

00:07:37.560 But you had, you know, this, and all year you had this, you know, this fire, this fire by a lot of feminists.

00:07:45.020 And, look, feminism, I support a hard-working woman getting what she wants in the world.

00:07:51.660 I support a woman not having to feel like they, um, like that they don't matter.

00:07:59.080 And not having to feel like they don't have any value.

00:08:02.760 I support anybody.

00:08:04.160 I want anybody to feel that way.

00:08:05.860 But then there's also a band of straight-up man-haters out there.

00:08:10.240 Who don't want anything good for men.

00:08:12.620 Who want to be evil.

00:08:13.920 You know, and who don't even want to acknowledge the beauties of women, some of the natural beauties of women.

00:08:20.560 Being able to make children and be able to, you know, have the ability to mother.

00:08:25.840 You know, it's just women that just want to make money.

00:08:29.140 And I don't, dude, if you asked me honestly, as a soul, not as a man, but if you could make money,

00:08:37.860 or if you could be a mother, create something with your body.

00:08:41.200 Dude, I'd be a dang mother.

00:08:44.700 Alright, I'd be a mother with a mustache, though.

00:08:46.760 You know what I'm saying?

00:08:47.340 I'd still keep my manhood.

00:08:49.280 But, but it made me question, you know, that whole, you know, and it's, it's, it's still going on.

00:08:54.420 I'm not saying it stopped.

00:08:55.300 But there was a lot of, like, stoking of the fires asking us last year who we were.

00:08:59.980 Who we are.

00:09:00.760 And it's, man, it made me think, do I look, do I look at women, do I treat women a certain way?

00:09:08.940 Have I always, you know, if I do, where does it come from?

00:09:13.560 Is it because of a relationship I have in my, in my, in my past, in my family?

00:09:18.320 When a woman talks, am I listening to her differently?

00:09:20.800 Am I looking at her differently?

00:09:23.240 It made me ask myself these things.

00:09:25.500 You know, it made me ask myself about race, you know, racism.

00:09:29.560 About where some of, do I have, do I have views?

00:09:33.040 You know, if I'm walking past, I mean, the town I grew up in, it was black and white.

00:09:37.660 So my history with a lot of race and a lot of the racial issues in America are black and white.

00:09:43.400 So I would think, do I, do I listen?

00:09:45.700 If I, if I'm talking to a black man or if I'm talking to, if I'm meeting a new black friend,

00:09:50.100 do I have certain views or certain, do I feel different than if I'm meeting a white person?

00:09:58.880 I mean, it made me ask myself some questions and I like that.

00:10:02.320 Some people don't want to feel some of that discomfort of asking themselves questions.

00:10:06.200 And that's fine.

00:10:07.860 That's fine if you don't want to.

00:10:09.960 But I don't think you have anything to lose by doing it.

00:10:12.660 And I think even though 2017 was wild and it was fiery, you know,

00:10:17.000 and Trump won office, you know, but look, I'll say this, dude.

00:10:21.080 That was the most sad, or that was 2016 that he won or whatever, but he got inaugurated.

00:10:25.400 That was one of the most savage things ever, you know?

00:10:29.660 I mean, that was gangsta that that dude snuck in, Mr. Steele, yo, office.

00:10:36.460 Because there was a, there was surely a moment when everyone was riding down the street

00:10:42.040 after Trump got elected thinking of themselves, man, fuck, I could be president.

00:10:50.020 I could be president.

00:10:51.400 Like, you want to talk about giving everybody hope?

00:10:55.400 Man, again, I mean, look, the guy is certainly an egomaniac.

00:10:58.860 He's an empath, you know?

00:11:01.020 He probably never was loved in his life, it seems like.

00:11:03.740 If you look into the history about him and his father, you know,

00:11:07.280 he probably doesn't know about love, he probably doesn't, you know,

00:11:10.580 he's probably, he's probably just has a lot of, you know,

00:11:13.680 he's not very empathetic at all.

00:11:16.500 But, but he's a, you know, he's a dirty businessman.

00:11:20.800 That's what he is.

00:11:22.080 But also, that's what most of this fucking country is these days.

00:11:27.260 You know, and that's what most of politics is these days,

00:11:30.140 is dirty businessmen.

00:11:31.260 And, so, am I surprised that he ended up there?

00:11:34.560 I'm not at all.

00:11:36.260 I am not at all.

00:11:40.640 You know, and I think he captured some of that, that, the,

00:11:44.100 I don't want to say the poor white vote, but just,

00:11:47.100 dude, white people have been looked down upon so much.

00:11:50.440 When you're poor and white, dude,

00:11:51.940 the only thing you have a lot of times is, you know,

00:11:55.600 your belief in America and your, and religion.

00:11:59.840 And Hollywood beats those things up, you know.

00:12:03.500 So, I think Hollywood kind of even ruined a lot of that vote,

00:12:07.320 you know, by just saying, you know, you know,

00:12:09.880 just being very anti, kind of the red, white, and blue idea of America,

00:12:14.620 even if that's an advertised, old-fashioned idea.

00:12:18.520 I think Hollywood beat that idea up, you know.

00:12:22.180 And Hollywood's always, you know, it's just, I mean,

00:12:25.940 so many shows I feel like beat down on religion a lot.

00:12:28.460 But, and when you're poor, man, trust me, look, dude,

00:12:31.160 I've been right there, you know.

00:12:33.240 There were many years of my life where the only thing I felt like I had

00:12:35.980 somewhere inside of me was the hope that a higher power

00:12:43.740 or a God out there cared about me or loved me.

00:12:49.200 So, when you beat up on that kind of stuff, man,

00:12:51.160 you're going to have people rebel.

00:12:52.600 You're going to have people angry.

00:12:53.820 And it's rocky, man, it's rocky.

00:12:58.800 But 2017 made me personally think a lot, made me think about things.

00:13:02.420 And here we are, man.

00:13:03.680 We're in 2018, and I'm not going to, you know, I'm not dwelling,

00:13:07.820 but we got a lot of cool stuff happening here on this past weekend.

00:13:12.620 I'm going to get into a couple of things that happened to me.

00:13:14.380 Actually, this past weekend, I got to perform for both of the Rose Bowl teams,

00:13:18.660 Georgia Bulldogs, and Oklahoma Sooners.

00:13:23.820 That was straight crispy.

00:13:26.120 That was crispy Yamaguchi.

00:13:28.220 I'm going to talk about that.

00:13:30.120 I'm going to talk about my New Year's Eve plans.

00:13:33.200 I went back home and visited my family.

00:13:34.760 If you haven't checked that out on YouTube, you can meet my family.

00:13:38.900 It's called Meet My Family Christmas on YouTube, on my YouTube channel.

00:13:43.500 Make sure to subscribe, please.

00:13:45.260 I appreciate your support.

00:13:46.300 I'm going to announce a couple of stand-up comedy dates.

00:13:49.680 January 11th through the 14th, I'll be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California.

00:13:54.620 January 18th through the 20th, I'm at the New Comedy Club in Jacksonville, Florida.

00:14:00.760 February 2nd through 3rd, I'll be at the Oxnard, California at Levity Live.

00:14:07.040 February 8th through 11th, I'll be at Harvey's in Portland, in Portland, Oregon.

00:14:12.680 I'll be at Harvey's February 8th through the 11th.

00:14:16.300 February 22nd through the 24th, I'll be in Indio, California at Fantasy Springs Casino.

00:14:22.440 And April 6th and 7th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at Rock Brothers Brewing.

00:14:28.860 Some of those links will be available on Theovan.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.

00:14:34.340 And some of those will be going up here in the next week as we get those shows put up.

00:14:39.620 But those are all real dates, and those are places that I'll be coming to.

00:14:43.840 And if you want to go somewhere, won't you go to Gray Block Pizza?

00:14:48.360 Gray Block Pizza, man, you know that charter sponsor of this past weekend.

00:14:52.520 They got them calzones, them salads.

00:14:55.160 They're the only place in America that have that salad pizza.

00:14:59.300 They got them gourmet pizzas and them beverages.

00:15:02.860 Get your thirsty.

00:15:04.140 Get your hungry.

00:15:05.420 Get your Gray Block Pizza.

00:15:07.500 1811 Pico Boulevard, Los Angeles, on the way to the beach.

00:15:11.040 Stop in there.

00:15:11.920 Crack open your jaw.

00:15:13.120 Open your mouth.

00:15:14.100 Get that hit up.

00:15:15.120 Man, I'll tell you this.

00:15:20.900 These football players, if I had to pick one team, I don't even know when these guys play.

00:15:25.840 Actually, they play Monday night.

00:15:27.460 Based on how they behaved as a group at the comedy shows.

00:15:34.220 Because each team, there was a lineup.

00:15:37.280 We performed different nights for each team.

00:15:38.900 One night for the Georgia Bulldogs.

00:15:40.720 And one night for them Oklahoma Sooners.

00:15:43.840 Them boys out of Oklahoma.

00:15:45.120 And I would say, based on the ability, just the freneticness, I would say that Georgia Bulldogs was wild.

00:15:59.280 Them boys was wild, man.

00:16:01.720 We came in.

00:16:02.760 They were all dancing on the stage.

00:16:05.680 That was a crazy thing.

00:16:06.660 So this team gets to the club before.

00:16:10.400 And they're all eating at the Hollywood Improv there.

00:16:15.120 And they got their team buses outside.

00:16:17.520 And I put some of it up on my Patreon, actually.

00:16:21.160 But they had the team buses outside.

00:16:23.640 And I go inside.

00:16:24.240 And I'm excited.

00:16:25.580 You know?

00:16:26.260 I mean, I went to LSU.

00:16:27.780 You know, I went to University of Arizona.

00:16:29.260 I went to Semester at Sea.

00:16:31.740 I went to Santa Monica College, College of Charleston.

00:16:34.420 I went to some different spots, you know.

00:16:35.980 But, so, you know, especially with that LSU vibe, you know, you're involved in that SEC football.

00:16:42.260 And the SEC supplies at least, I would say, half the NFL.

00:16:46.320 And I know that's a lie.

00:16:47.500 But, still, feels good saying it.

00:16:50.760 And them boys, them Georgia boys, man.

00:16:54.660 They were, I mean, they were sitting up on top of the furniture.

00:16:58.100 They're being wild.

00:16:59.340 A lot of them golded up, golded up in that grill, you know.

00:17:05.420 I mean, just something.

00:17:06.240 One dude so golded up, I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his mouth and a couple of old bearded men came walking out with pickaxes.

00:17:13.640 I mean, that boy was just dang.

00:17:15.560 He was, you know, he was filled up in the gills with them magical nuggets.

00:17:22.320 With them magical golden nuggets.

00:17:23.940 And we also, we got in there and performed it.

00:17:28.160 And I'll tell you this, I got up, I was the first guy up, and I am white.

00:17:33.380 And, man, I started out strong.

00:17:37.800 I started out hitting them, boy.

00:17:40.200 I was hitting them.

00:17:40.840 I was hitting them.

00:17:41.700 And all the white players, it was probably, I would say, 75, 25.

00:17:48.520 75% black players, 25% white players.

00:17:51.540 And you're like, and some people are like, well, what does that have to do with anything, Theo?

00:17:56.240 Well, it doesn't, I'll just say this.

00:18:00.080 The black players, a lot more rowdy.

00:18:02.940 Black people are more rowdy, man.

00:18:06.040 I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with that.

00:18:08.380 I mean, black people supply most of the world's entertainment, you know.

00:18:14.340 I mean, it's, but these boys were out there wild.

00:18:17.260 And the white boys, more docile, more docile in there.

00:18:22.840 So you had, I mean, then Georgia, Georgia was set, I mean, just, you know, there's people jumping around in the back.

00:18:28.340 And, like, some dudes on their phone the whole time didn't even care.

00:18:31.140 The worst part was you'd be performing, and some guy would say something.

00:18:36.580 Because these guys are 18 to 23.

00:18:39.880 Huge guys.

00:18:40.700 So there's a little bit of that machismo.

00:18:43.000 I mean, I was intimidated.

00:18:44.180 I'm just like, oh, fuck, man.

00:18:47.120 Like, I mean, dudes sitting right in the front looking at me like they don't give a fuck.

00:18:54.140 Because also, you know, I'm 15 years, I'm 13 years older than these guys.

00:18:58.160 So, you know, they're like, they're probably like, what's this, you know, this man talking about?

00:19:04.760 And I'm worried a lot of times that my material is going to disconnect some.

00:19:09.140 I mean, I got up there and put some hits on them.

00:19:11.260 But there was a couple moments where I was like, dang, man, this is, I feel sweat, I was like, man, I was sweating.

00:19:20.740 And I told them, I was like, man, I can't even imagine playing against some of you guys.

00:19:24.660 I cannot even imagine.

00:19:26.680 But they were more, they were more wild, and the Oklahoma crew was more docile.

00:19:31.180 And the Heisman Trophy winner, Baker Mayfield, he wasn't there.

00:19:33.880 And it was me, Jeff Ross, Chris D'Elia, Donnell Rawlings.

00:19:42.120 And it was wild, man.

00:19:44.420 It was something else.

00:19:45.660 It was something else 100%.

00:19:47.220 And the Oklahoma boys were more docile.

00:19:49.780 You know, just more chill.

00:19:51.280 A little bit more, maybe say respectful.

00:19:56.200 You know, but I think that's a little bit more like Oklahoma.

00:19:58.900 The values there are a little bit more, you know, you kind of expect a little bit more, I don't know, respect.

00:20:07.600 But it seemed like more organization.

00:20:10.420 But now when I first walked in and the Oklahoma players were on stage, I mean, they just walked up on the stage at the improv, at the comedy club.

00:20:17.220 And they're up there, they got two mics, and they're just roasting each other.

00:20:20.620 Just like, just literally just like whenever they, you know, do rhymes and call each other names.

00:20:26.920 And it was the worst.

00:20:27.940 It was basically just people saying bitch and bitch nigga over and over again, right?

00:20:33.220 It was just like anything that would rhyme with that.

00:20:35.320 It was funny to see them, though.

00:20:36.780 It was just like, it looked like just like in a movie, you know.

00:20:40.820 But, I mean, the teams were having a good time.

00:20:43.220 I will say that.

00:20:43.960 It seemed like both teams were having a great time.

00:20:46.080 Some of these guys had never been to a comedy show before.

00:20:48.800 So I felt honored, you know, to be a part of that experience for them.

00:20:53.720 Like, some of these guys are sitting there like, wow, this occurs, this happens.

00:20:58.300 Stand-up comedy.

00:21:00.360 I remember the first comedy show I ever went to.

00:21:02.460 I was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

00:21:05.400 And they had a friend of mine who won tickets to the comedy club.

00:21:10.440 Because, you know, a lot of comedy clubs, they do that you won tickets thing.

00:21:13.980 And they call you up and say, you won tickets.

00:21:15.640 You're like, I didn't even enter a drawing.

00:21:16.800 They're like, we don't give a fuck.

00:21:18.400 You won tickets.

00:21:21.780 And, and so, you know, we got the tickets.

00:21:26.220 We went and I sat there and a man got on stage and started making me laugh.

00:21:30.520 And I was like, wow, this is a job?

00:21:37.160 I mean, it just blew my mind that that was a real thing you could do.

00:21:43.600 And I laughed at this man.

00:21:45.100 I think his name was Mark Gross.

00:21:47.540 And years later, I would work with him in a comedy club.

00:21:50.300 And this before I knew I wanted to be a comedian.

00:21:52.220 I just knew I didn't want to have a regular job.

00:21:57.260 But I got up there and he was, I mean, he was killing me.

00:22:01.500 In Baton Rouge, Louisiana at the Funny Bone Comedy Club.

00:22:05.560 And they had these big plastic cups that said Funny Bone on them.

00:22:09.400 And you could spend, you know, $10 and get a drink and keep the cup.

00:22:14.720 But I remember thinking, wow, unbelievable.

00:22:17.260 And that's the only live comedy show I ever saw before I decided to get into the line of work myself.

00:22:24.460 That's the only live comedy show I ever saw before I decided to get into that line of work.

00:22:30.080 I don't know if you guys checked out.

00:22:31.360 I shared it on my, on my YouTube channel.

00:22:34.860 I want to thank a gentleman named Mike at Happy Claw Productions in Atlanta.

00:22:40.000 He sent me a cartoon that he made just of a random excerpt from the podcast.

00:22:44.900 And, I mean, you helped make my holidays.

00:22:47.620 You know, I got to show that to my family and friends.

00:22:49.720 And they just loved it.

00:22:51.400 I mean, they just, damn, you know.

00:22:53.260 And it's hilarious, dude.

00:22:54.640 I look like, you know.

00:22:56.080 Actually, he made me look a little more handsome in the cartoon.

00:22:59.000 But you can check that out.

00:23:00.860 You can check that out on his, on his YouTube page.

00:23:04.880 I shared it on the mine.

00:23:05.740 But go there and support, support him.

00:23:08.420 What else do I want to tell you guys?

00:23:11.160 I went back home.

00:23:12.760 Went back home to Louisiana.

00:23:14.760 I went to Mississippi.

00:23:15.900 I was only able to do a short episode.

00:23:21.300 Had a nice time.

00:23:23.220 You know, got to see my little nieces and nephews.

00:23:25.520 And my nephew's just getting long.

00:23:28.540 You ever see a kid and you don't see him for a while?

00:23:30.420 And you're like, damn, that kid is just long.

00:23:35.580 And isn't it, do you remember how weird it was when you're, and the crazy thing is you don't, let me think about this.

00:23:42.400 Like, he doesn't realize he's growing.

00:23:44.760 I mean, he realizes, you know, because, you know, the parents will put the marker on the door or whatever.

00:23:49.840 But to him, it's just, he's just living his life.

00:23:54.740 But to us, it's like, you know, when you see him once in a while, your nephews or family members and they're growing, if they're children, then you're like, wow, that blows me out.

00:24:04.000 You know, surprising to see him stretch out.

00:24:05.900 But it made me remember being like, remember when you come back from school, from summer break, and like the, like the, you were 11 or 12 years old, and suddenly one of your friends looked like a fucking alien, bro.

00:24:19.100 Remember that?

00:24:20.360 You come and dude have like the, all of a sudden, like, one of his arms longer than the other, like he hit like a gross spurt, you know?

00:24:27.660 I mean, just like, I mean, just like Bear Bryant was just living in his, in his DNA and just directing all kinds of traffic in there.

00:24:38.180 Like, we're going to get him on the run and we're going to keep him on the run and we're going to go, go, go.

00:24:41.840 And, you know, you could just see like, you know, his chin was real long, like his body, you're just like, what the fuck, Daniel?

00:24:51.900 I just, is your daddy an alien?

00:24:55.140 All of a sudden, he's got pointy elbows or he's got, you know, it was just so crazy.

00:25:00.820 I remember when you saw that friend that had that gross spurt.

00:25:04.340 Or they had that one friend that got the beard.

00:25:06.820 Remember that?

00:25:08.240 There was always that one friend who hit that fucking hair spurt.

00:25:13.300 And he showed up all just, you know, just, you know, just hermited out with that beard.

00:25:21.240 Eighth grade, dude's got a clean ass beard.

00:25:25.920 And he would, bro, he was soon, whoever the beard dude was, the second he got the beard, he had it through the rest of high school.

00:25:33.200 Because he was the guy that was going to buy liquor for you.

00:25:35.820 He was the guy that was going to try and sign you out of school or sign, if you was dating a girl at the middle school or junior high,

00:25:42.820 he would go over there and try to sign her out of school.

00:25:44.660 You know, he would pretend he'd come to, you know, you'd try to send him in to, if he didn't go to your school,

00:25:51.380 you'd have him try to come to parent-teacher conferences if you, if you got in trouble.

00:25:56.260 You know, I remember we had this dude at my school named Rhapsody, right?

00:26:00.940 He was a little bit, he was a mixed, he was mixed, you know, black and white.

00:26:06.500 And, and he had that, but he had white beard hair.

00:26:10.980 He had white person beard hair.

00:26:12.540 And so, Rhapsody, but he looked old, dude.

00:26:16.060 Rhapsody looked like about, usually a mixed guy will look very young.

00:26:19.880 You know, mixed dudes are the, I mean, everybody wants to be mixed.

00:26:24.480 Mixed dudes seem like they never have a problem.

00:26:27.880 You never see a stressed out mixed dude.

00:26:30.400 Because they got it all.

00:26:32.900 They're living in the lamb's nutsack.

00:26:36.480 They got it all.

00:26:38.700 And this, you know, and so Rhapsody, sometimes you would have him come to parent-teacher conferences,

00:26:42.540 conference for you.

00:26:43.840 Because he went to a school that was over in Slidell, Slidell, Louisiana.

00:26:48.120 So, and he looked older.

00:26:49.420 So, if you, if you needed somebody to come and meet with your, with your teacher, you'd hit up Rhapsody.

00:26:55.240 You know, for I think at the time, you know, 25 bucks, he'd hit up that, he'd hit up those, those PTCs for you.

00:27:01.600 And try to be, you know, he was everybody's stepdaddy.

00:27:06.580 That was a good time, man.

00:27:07.680 I enjoyed being young.

00:27:09.580 And that was fun.

00:27:10.380 But yeah, those growth spurts, man, you'd hit those spurts.

00:27:13.260 And you would just, you know, that was just so crazy to me how much people, children would grow.

00:27:17.520 And how much you'd have that weird summer where you showed up and, you know, your buddy's eyeballs were bigger.

00:27:23.260 You know, he was just hitting a growth spurt.

00:27:25.980 Or you'd be at lunch, you know.

00:27:27.480 In the morning, he'd be dressed regular.

00:27:29.880 And by lunchtime, his shirt wouldn't even fit him.

00:27:32.080 And you're like, damn, freaking Sheldon hitting that spurt, boy.

00:27:38.380 This dude sprouted two inches, you know, over brunch.

00:27:43.360 He's spurting out.

00:27:45.520 And those were, that was always fun.

00:27:47.300 But it's crazy to think that, you know, suddenly you just hit a point where you don't grow anymore.

00:27:50.740 But it was nice to see my, you know, my nephew had grown some.

00:27:54.660 And it was just interesting to see that.

00:27:57.360 And see him evolve a little bit as a person.

00:28:00.680 And have a little bit, you know, when kids are three, four, five, you know, they're just fucking, they are freelance assassins.

00:28:11.300 They're assailants.

00:28:12.340 They're murderers without weapons.

00:28:14.020 Dude, if a man came in your house and did what a three or four year old does, throw paint everywhere, shit somewhere, that man would be in jail.

00:28:28.260 You know, if he had a weapon, I mean, you know, like one of my little nephews almost beat my sister's eye out with a little pet, with a kitty litter scooper.

00:28:45.020 And if he would have been, you know, if you had that same genomes in a, you know, older, if you have that three-year-old mentality in a 30-year-old, they'd be a killer.

00:28:54.640 But so it's just wild to see how little children behave, but how they start to mature.

00:28:59.380 It was interesting to watch, man.

00:29:00.760 It was really interesting.

00:29:01.940 I had a good time with my family.

00:29:03.060 If you get a chance, check it out on YouTube.

00:29:04.460 You can meet them.

00:29:06.160 And we had fun, man.

00:29:07.980 My sister makes me laugh.

00:29:10.380 Man, I got a sister that looks just like me, but she's a girl.

00:29:15.180 And she always makes me laugh, man.

00:29:18.660 But we had a good time.

00:29:19.640 I have beautiful nieces and nephews.

00:29:21.260 And, you know, I got to spend time with my mother and, you know, not a bunch of time.

00:29:27.160 And I didn't get her those goats.

00:29:29.300 I didn't get my mother the goats.

00:29:31.140 I was going to get her, you know, two goats.

00:29:34.240 Because if you get somebody one goat, you're a piece of shit.

00:29:38.600 Because a goat can be lonely.

00:29:41.460 That's goat's number one skill is to be lonely.

00:29:44.640 So you always have to give somebody two goats.

00:29:46.080 But I gave my mother two goats.

00:29:48.620 I didn't give her two goats.

00:29:49.880 I was going to.

00:29:51.080 And then I decided against it because she didn't want it.

00:29:54.600 And in the end, it was just what I wanted.

00:29:57.760 But honestly, I almost felt like I should have trusted my instincts.

00:30:02.760 Because I kept feeling, I saw her on Christmas.

00:30:05.800 I saw her on Christmas and then I didn't see her after that.

00:30:08.320 Because I had other families that I had grown up living with.

00:30:11.280 And that I had to go stop by and see.

00:30:13.480 And, man, I could tell a little bit, I think, that she wanted me to stop by and drop by and see her.

00:30:20.820 I think she just wanted me to see her.

00:30:22.460 And so I think at that point, she had wished that I had gotten the goats.

00:30:25.900 So that I would have had an excuse or another reason to come by.

00:30:33.180 My mother has to take care of my stepfather.

00:30:35.200 You know, he got Alzheimer's or dementia.

00:30:37.620 You know, he's out there on the, you know, he's missing a few stacks.

00:30:41.700 You know, he's missing a few stacks in his brain racks.

00:30:46.100 And so he always, mostly he'd talk about the war.

00:30:49.300 And, you know, he ready to shoot them up and everything.

00:30:52.480 And he likes to put on his gloves and take them off.

00:30:55.000 And my mother's his caretaker.

00:30:57.500 So she has to spend a lot of her time doing that.

00:31:00.640 But I guess, I don't know, I missed, I wish I'd have spent more time with her.

00:31:04.060 I probably should have.

00:31:05.620 You know, I just had a lot.

00:31:06.760 I had a lot to do.

00:31:09.120 I had a lot to do.

00:31:10.800 You know, but I don't know.

00:31:12.840 Sometimes when I think about my life, it seems like my mother's always been a little,

00:31:17.100 she's almost had too much stuff to do her whole life to be able to really spend time with me.

00:31:22.940 There's always something that's pressing that prevents me and her from spending time together.

00:31:27.180 You know, and I guess that's, you know, just a reason that, there's a reason for that.

00:31:33.080 I don't know what it is, but maybe, you know, more shall be revealed in the future.

00:31:37.160 But good to see the family.

00:31:38.960 Loved them.

00:31:39.440 I hope you had a happy holidays.

00:31:41.400 And I'm happy to be back.

00:31:44.680 Man, I got to tell you guys, we had some calls that came in for Matt.

00:31:49.120 Matt was on the last episode.

00:31:51.080 And we got also, man, I'm going to play this for you right now.

00:31:53.040 We're going to talk to this gentleman either on Wednesday's episode or next month or on Thursday or next Monday's episode.

00:31:59.160 We're going to talk to this guy.

00:32:00.240 He called in and hit the hotline.

00:32:02.120 Some of you guys know one of my lines from my Netflix special, no offense, is I wish people would quit shooting up movie theaters and start shooting up fucking Denny's.

00:32:15.160 Denny's Restaurant.

00:32:17.040 Right?

00:32:17.680 Well, here we got this call on the hotline.

00:32:19.380 Here we go.

00:32:19.800 Hey, Theo.

00:32:20.620 My wife and I were watching your special on Netflix last week.

00:32:25.820 And we both almost had heart attacks when you started talking about shooting up a Denny's.

00:32:30.960 Because when I was 19, I went to jail for shooting up a Denny's.

00:32:34.840 It's a story I'd love to tell you.

00:32:37.120 There you go.

00:32:37.880 You heard it.

00:32:38.660 That gentleman went to jail for shooting up a Denny's.

00:32:42.040 And hopefully we're going to talk to him.

00:32:43.740 I've already confirmed that we're going to speak with him.

00:32:45.400 He'll be our first live call.

00:32:46.900 I don't know if that'll be on Wednesday or on Sunday, on Thursday's episode or on Sunday's, but we're figuring that out.

00:32:53.060 But I want to thank everybody for your support.

00:32:55.520 Because, you know, it's helping me.

00:32:57.640 I have an assistant now.

00:32:59.180 Shy Chris.

00:33:00.500 Beautiful Latino gentleman.

00:33:02.620 And he's helping.

00:33:04.900 And Bud Galloway coming in.

00:33:07.640 And that dude really has some issues.

00:33:10.140 Bud has some real issues.

00:33:11.940 But you guys' support on Patreon and support here by viewing is really helping, man.

00:33:18.700 And Grayblock Pizza and everybody's support.

00:33:20.940 And they...

00:33:21.800 It's just been awesome, man.

00:33:24.040 So I'm super grateful.

00:33:25.800 Yeah, what else, dude?

00:33:26.660 Let's get into some things, huh?

00:33:28.280 Let me think about what else happened to me this past weekend.

00:33:32.600 I'm going to dinner tonight.

00:33:34.560 I got some comedy shows with David Spade tonight for New Year's Eve at the Comedy Store.

00:33:42.220 What else?

00:33:42.840 I think I got four sets tonight.

00:33:45.000 Four or five sets.

00:33:46.400 So I'm happy to put that down.

00:33:48.100 Get it done.

00:33:49.080 I got a bad haircut.

00:33:50.980 So I am pissed.

00:33:53.180 I'm fucking pissed, bro.

00:33:55.120 Dude, this lady...

00:33:56.380 I went to fucking Floyd's, dude.

00:33:58.200 I went to Floyd's.

00:33:59.000 And I didn't go to my usual guy.

00:34:00.880 Because it was one of those things where I wanted my hair cut right then.

00:34:06.240 You ever get that thing?

00:34:07.140 Like your dude or your lady or your dude you go to to get it cut?

00:34:10.660 To get that chip out?

00:34:12.800 To get that ship shape?

00:34:14.640 They're not available.

00:34:16.480 So I wanted to get primed up.

00:34:18.880 You know, I just want...

00:34:19.600 I was just feeling...

00:34:20.980 You know, probably feeling less than or feeling defeated or something.

00:34:24.020 I don't know, a little bit of some shit.

00:34:26.540 And I was like, I need to get hair cut now.

00:34:28.980 Go to Floyd's.

00:34:29.980 Everybody's booked up.

00:34:30.800 The man said it'd be a half hour.

00:34:31.940 I'll wait.

00:34:32.860 It's an hour and ten minutes later.

00:34:34.540 And I should have...

00:34:35.760 And this lady said she'll take me.

00:34:37.720 This lady...

00:34:39.280 She looked like a...

00:34:41.200 This lady looked like a fucking clown that couldn't get work.

00:34:48.040 She had like...

00:34:49.020 Her hair was all dyed green in the middle.

00:34:52.080 Like around the...

00:34:52.820 She had a butt cut and then it was dyed green.

00:34:54.960 Right?

00:34:55.540 I know my hair looks like shit, bruh.

00:34:59.300 But...

00:34:59.740 She was...

00:35:01.300 She just had the worst fucking haircut.

00:35:03.920 She had the worst haircut.

00:35:06.180 She had on the thickest glasses ever.

00:35:07.880 I'm like, there's no way...

00:35:09.040 I wouldn't let this lady cut a yard.

00:35:11.860 I wouldn't let her cut a hundred acres of grass

00:35:13.980 that didn't have a...

00:35:15.780 I would...

00:35:17.420 Because I would be afraid she'd hit a tree.

00:35:19.480 Even if there was no trees out in that grass.

00:35:23.260 This broad would bring a tree in from somewhere

00:35:25.940 and run that bitch over with a push mower.

00:35:28.200 Just because she just had that in her.

00:35:31.340 And man...

00:35:31.980 And I still...

00:35:32.980 And I still let her cut my hair.

00:35:35.780 And dude...

00:35:36.400 She thinned it out.

00:35:38.160 I mean...

00:35:38.580 I feel like a damn test animal.

00:35:41.680 She clipped off some of that...

00:35:43.480 Some of the falls in the back.

00:35:47.120 And just made me furious.

00:35:48.680 You know?

00:35:49.240 She just...

00:35:49.680 I mean...

00:35:50.000 I've just been so furious at this...

00:35:52.620 Green mollusk...

00:35:54.500 That cut my hair.

00:35:55.860 This far-sighted green mollusk...

00:35:59.860 That I let take a pair of scissors upside my head.

00:36:02.820 And why I continue...

00:36:05.580 To make that choice...

00:36:07.460 Year after year.

00:36:08.840 Letting some...

00:36:09.860 Fuck-tard...

00:36:11.920 Fucking...

00:36:14.740 Dung-muppet...

00:36:16.860 Criminal...

00:36:19.300 Do that to me.

00:36:21.180 I mean...

00:36:21.560 You just shouldn't be allowed to do shit that you can't do.

00:36:24.260 There's no way this lady can cut hair.

00:36:26.300 There's no...

00:36:27.180 Fucking...

00:36:28.000 Way.

00:36:29.360 Dude, I...

00:36:30.820 Oh, man.

00:36:32.200 I wouldn't let this...

00:36:33.160 Fucking lady...

00:36:34.620 Cut a piece of paper...

00:36:35.980 With a sword.

00:36:37.940 Dude...

00:36:38.700 I just...

00:36:39.420 I'm just...

00:36:39.760 I'm just angry.

00:36:40.660 I've been dealing with some of that anger.

00:36:42.140 I've been dealing...

00:36:43.100 With some of that anger.

00:36:44.300 We got some good calls that are gonna come in first.

00:36:46.240 Uh...

00:36:46.460 Let me...

00:36:46.840 Uh...

00:36:47.260 We're gonna get to some news.

00:36:48.440 Let's get to a little bit of news, man.

00:36:50.080 Let's do that.

00:36:51.560 I'll tell you this right here.

00:36:53.040 This is...

00:36:54.500 This story is cool, bruh.

00:36:56.860 A 34-year-old Washington man...

00:37:00.040 Was caught giving a massage to a 14-year-old boy...

00:37:03.840 Then...

00:37:04.440 Slipping him that $10 bill and a thank you note.

00:37:08.380 The police were able to track down the man who was later found out to be the notorious piggyback bandit...

00:37:13.040 Whose claim to fame was tricking male high school athletes into giving him back rides.

00:37:20.920 In an attempt to reform himself, he decided to give...

00:37:25.640 Instead, to hand out massages at the airport to teenage boys and then slip them a note with a $10 bill in it.

00:37:35.100 First of all, the fact that he was the piggyback ride bandit...

00:37:40.320 I'm actually gonna look this up even more.

00:37:43.920 Um...

00:37:44.360 Because this story was ridiculous.

00:37:46.240 The piggyback ride bandit...

00:37:47.580 He was working at...

00:37:49.200 This was in, um...

00:37:50.580 Montana.

00:37:51.540 So I don't even know why it said that.

00:37:52.700 Uh...

00:37:53.920 The stocky man showed up in a basketball uniform for a game at Century High School in North Dakota.

00:38:00.080 Players and coaches assumed he was a fan who had come with another team.

00:38:04.200 So nobody objected when he began to pitch in around the bench.

00:38:08.200 That is wild, bro!

00:38:11.060 Like, that's a frickin' next-level pedophile.

00:38:15.940 And I don't even know if this guy was...

00:38:17.300 I mean, look, there's one thing.

00:38:19.060 Massaging an athlete, you know.

00:38:20.860 You know, some of these boys is strong.

00:38:23.680 And you wanna get out there and touch a tricep, you know.

00:38:26.960 Or you wanna feel around...

00:38:28.280 You know, you wanna fuckin' feel around a fuckin' young fella's femur.

00:38:32.300 You know, I think there's a difference.

00:38:34.220 There's a difference if you're doing it and you're, you know, you're skeeting out.

00:38:38.140 If you're going and hiding in a van afterwards or, you know, putting your back against a tree in the woods.

00:38:45.340 You know, and, you know, and just flossing sauce onto the earth.

00:38:50.100 That's different.

00:38:51.560 But if you're just, you know, you wanna touch a young buck and remember what it was like to be young.

00:38:56.980 I mean, that's just a little bit of a vibe, I think.

00:39:01.360 He makes himself appear as if he's limited or handicapped.

00:39:04.640 Limited.

00:39:06.080 We're all limited, man.

00:39:07.860 Say what you mean.

00:39:09.460 Is he wearing a fuckin' neck brace?

00:39:11.840 Is he wearing a fuckin' dick holster?

00:39:16.280 You know, does he have his legs tied together?

00:39:18.160 What's he fuckin' doin'?

00:39:19.260 I hate it when reporters are so vague.

00:39:22.640 We didn't realize what we're dealing with until several days later.

00:39:25.760 The piggyback bandit, Sherwin Shayegan of Bothell, Washington.

00:39:32.100 Okay, he's from Washington.

00:39:33.600 28-year-old man who integrates himself with high school sports teams.

00:39:37.480 Then hoists his 5'8", 240-pound frame onto the backs of the student-athletes.

00:39:44.860 So I guess he gets in with the teams, it seems like.

00:39:48.520 Then he asks the players for piggyback rides.

00:39:52.620 Man.

00:39:53.800 I gotta say respect to this dude.

00:39:55.340 This is the Rudy Rudiger of pedophiles right here.

00:39:59.060 You know, he's out there just looking for some...

00:40:00.760 He's probably really looking for male companionship.

00:40:03.140 Like, in a way where, you know, a brotherly...

00:40:06.480 You know, and it probably is...

00:40:07.520 If he's got a little bit of that tism or if he's got a...

00:40:09.520 You know, if he's wearing that...

00:40:12.480 You know, if he's one of God's favorites,

00:40:14.900 then he might be, you know...

00:40:16.400 He might be expressing it in weird ways.

00:40:19.220 He's pretended to interview athletes for a term paper,

00:40:21.780 acted as a team...

00:40:22.800 Acted as a team manager,

00:40:24.300 or just tried to blend in with the crowd

00:40:26.700 for a piggyback payoff.

00:40:29.620 He's been nicknamed the piggyback bandit.

00:40:33.140 He has a lengthy criminal rap sheet in Washington.

00:40:36.560 Dang.

00:40:37.780 And that's Washington.

00:40:38.800 You gotta probably do some wild shit up in Washington

00:40:40.960 to get a rap sheet.

00:40:42.200 Because it's mostly the woods.

00:40:44.380 You know?

00:40:45.660 Mostly a lot of shit you could chalk up to Mother Nature.

00:40:50.180 You know, if you out there...

00:40:51.520 You know...

00:40:53.180 If you out there giving fellatio to a lamb,

00:40:56.300 you could probably say,

00:40:57.560 Look, I'm just trying to stay organic, you know?

00:41:00.300 You know, from farm to tongue.

00:41:03.580 That's what the...

00:41:04.360 That's what this meal is.

00:41:05.380 From farm to tongue.

00:41:07.760 Somebody said this.

00:41:09.040 An executive director at the Montana High School Sports Association.

00:41:13.280 What's disturbing to me is that he is jumping on our young athletes.

00:41:17.100 He is 240 pounds and he can hurt someone.

00:41:20.760 Yeah, well not if your athlete's got some balls in their sacks, Mark.

00:41:24.940 Mark out here with this bullshit.

00:41:27.160 Put your boys in the gym, Mark.

00:41:28.680 Let me tell you this, Mark.

00:41:31.020 If your student-athletes can't carry around a handicapped fella on their back,

00:41:36.960 then they're probably not going to make it in athletics.

00:41:40.140 Why don't you just call them students then?

00:41:42.220 Instead of student-athletes.

00:41:45.140 In October, Cheyegan was arrested in Helena, Montana

00:41:48.860 for jumping on two unsuspecting high school soccer players

00:41:52.520 during a state tournament, boy.

00:41:55.700 Woo-woo!

00:41:56.540 Boy, that's that...

00:41:58.920 When you try to do that two-person crowd surfing.

00:42:03.140 That's that two-person crowd surfing.

00:42:05.040 That's all Cheyegan's doing.

00:42:08.360 Man, that's a wild surprise

00:42:09.940 when somebody doesn't know you about to crowd surf

00:42:11.840 and then you just jump on top of them at 240.

00:42:15.300 Woo-woo!

00:42:16.740 That's America, boy.

00:42:17.960 What else they have here?

00:42:22.380 He pled guilty on February 1st

00:42:23.740 to two misdemeanor assault charges.

00:42:26.940 Uh...

00:42:27.380 The...

00:42:28.260 The...

00:42:29.680 Man, I'm sorry.

00:42:31.860 This dude's got me laughing so hard.

00:42:33.300 The judge told him,

00:42:34.780 go back to Seattle and behave.

00:42:37.720 That's what the judge told him.

00:42:39.620 Judge Bob Wood.

00:42:41.360 I like that, man.

00:42:42.420 Another game he showed up at,

00:42:46.400 they said, I think at one point

00:42:47.660 he was giving water to individuals.

00:42:50.280 Well, he's helping out.

00:42:52.060 You know who else does that?

00:42:53.060 Mother Nature.

00:42:54.380 Mother Nature gives water to individuals.

00:42:56.240 And if she jumped on your back

00:42:57.980 or she tried to touch your thigh a little bit

00:43:00.720 or squeeze around that soft skin

00:43:02.820 around the...

00:43:03.400 You know, around the...

00:43:04.240 Behind your knee

00:43:05.220 in the little fold of your leg right there,

00:43:07.280 you're gonna call the cops on her?

00:43:09.520 No.

00:43:09.980 You're not gonna.

00:43:11.120 So won't you think about things?

00:43:12.940 You know, before you guys

00:43:13.660 just reporting this dude

00:43:14.840 who probably is afflicted.

00:43:17.080 You know?

00:43:18.060 Come on, man.

00:43:18.780 Give this guy a break.

00:43:20.760 Oh, man.

00:43:21.460 Sorry.

00:43:22.040 I just caught one more quote in this story.

00:43:24.160 It said,

00:43:24.440 He was jumping on players' backs

00:43:26.020 after they showered

00:43:27.180 and came out of the locker room.

00:43:29.260 Now, that's pretty gangster.

00:43:31.660 That's pretty gangster, man.

00:43:32.980 Because it's hard to jump

00:43:33.900 on a wet person's back.

00:43:36.120 It's hard to, you know...

00:43:37.320 Because if somebody wet,

00:43:38.380 you could slip off them.

00:43:40.000 And it's hard to land

00:43:41.100 and then hold on

00:43:41.640 to a wet person.

00:43:43.240 You know,

00:43:43.480 and we used to play

00:43:44.000 a game like that

00:43:45.000 when we would grease

00:43:47.460 each other up sometimes.

00:43:49.460 You know,

00:43:49.760 and this was right

00:43:50.360 before it got real hot.

00:43:52.100 You know,

00:43:52.380 around the last cold front

00:43:53.440 of the year,

00:43:53.960 we would put oil

00:43:54.680 or get that can of Crisco.

00:43:56.400 They used to have...

00:43:57.220 Before everybody started

00:43:57.960 having olive oil,

00:43:59.260 they had this thing called Crisco.

00:44:00.620 It was a can of white,

00:44:02.520 like, hard sauce.

00:44:05.060 And your mother would have it

00:44:06.500 or your grandparents would have it

00:44:07.800 and they could do anything with it.

00:44:09.560 I mean,

00:44:09.880 they could fix the car.

00:44:11.820 They could, uh...

00:44:13.340 You know,

00:44:14.000 they could spackle in a wall hole.

00:44:16.340 You could do anything

00:44:16.940 with this shit.

00:44:18.000 You could fill a cavity.

00:44:19.060 You could start a cavity.

00:44:20.300 You could fix your hair.

00:44:22.080 I mean,

00:44:22.260 my buddy's...

00:44:23.320 My buddy's uncle

00:44:24.580 used to gel down his neck hair.

00:44:26.740 He had so much neck hair,

00:44:27.820 he would gel it down.

00:44:29.160 Just straight down

00:44:29.820 into his chest hair.

00:44:31.360 And he used to do that

00:44:32.280 sometimes with Crisco.

00:44:34.320 But when we were kids,

00:44:35.340 we would put Crisco

00:44:35.980 all over our bodies

00:44:36.920 and we'd get out there

00:44:37.900 in the yard

00:44:38.300 and tackle each other

00:44:39.340 and play football.

00:44:40.540 And that was always

00:44:41.320 the funnest time,

00:44:42.160 that game,

00:44:42.880 when people would do that.

00:44:45.040 But, uh...

00:44:45.760 But, man,

00:44:46.220 that's a wild story.

00:44:47.260 And that's the piggyback

00:44:48.360 ride bandit

00:44:49.340 strikes again.

00:44:51.280 That's what that story was.

00:44:53.180 And, uh...

00:44:53.780 And we'll share this...

00:44:54.780 We'll share this clip

00:44:56.200 out on the YouTube.

00:44:57.360 Uh...

00:44:57.720 This clip alone.

00:44:59.180 Apple admitted

00:44:59.900 they're slowing down

00:45:00.620 the iPhones.

00:45:01.440 You heard that?

00:45:02.420 What a bunch of shit.

00:45:04.780 These companies, man,

00:45:05.680 it's just fucked up.

00:45:06.380 They're already making

00:45:06.920 so much money

00:45:07.820 and they're gonna fuck

00:45:09.040 people like that?

00:45:10.580 I hope if North Korea

00:45:11.880 shoots something,

00:45:12.900 it hits somebody like that.

00:45:15.160 It hits one of these companies

00:45:16.660 that's just taking advantage

00:45:18.380 of mass,

00:45:21.100 of the masses.

00:45:22.800 Because I don't think

00:45:23.360 it's right.

00:45:24.720 There's nothing more...

00:45:25.920 Because that ruins everything.

00:45:27.700 You know,

00:45:27.960 you're a mother

00:45:28.540 trying to keep in touch

00:45:29.360 with your kids.

00:45:30.100 You're trying to keep in touch

00:45:30.980 with a loved one.

00:45:32.280 You're trying to watch

00:45:33.120 a video your family...

00:45:34.440 And it just slows

00:45:35.420 your whole life down

00:45:36.300 a little bit.

00:45:37.800 You know?

00:45:38.200 And when they...

00:45:38.720 I mean,

00:45:39.120 we all know it.

00:45:40.560 We all know, like,

00:45:41.360 suddenly your phone...

00:45:42.180 Everybody's phone

00:45:43.180 just doesn't work.

00:45:44.220 The update screws it up.

00:45:45.680 Man,

00:45:47.960 I hope if they fire

00:45:48.900 a missile, boy,

00:45:50.480 land one over there.

00:45:52.280 Whoever made that decision,

00:45:53.660 land it right in their ass.

00:45:55.620 Put a little Crisco

00:45:56.280 on that sucker.

00:45:57.860 And if it doesn't blow up

00:45:58.960 and it's just lodged

00:45:59.680 in their butt,

00:46:00.520 send in my boy

00:46:01.340 Shea Egan,

00:46:02.420 that piggyback bandit.

00:46:04.860 And let him get that hitter, boy.

00:46:08.380 What else?

00:46:09.920 That's all we got, man,

00:46:11.160 in that.

00:46:12.720 We had a lot of callings

00:46:13.700 in it.

00:46:14.020 Now, our last full episode,

00:46:15.220 we had a guy named Matt

00:46:16.440 call in.

00:46:17.320 And I'm gonna say it,

00:46:18.180 Fat Matt.

00:46:19.400 Matt was calling in

00:46:20.280 saying he had some

00:46:20.800 eating issues.

00:46:22.200 He also said

00:46:22.880 he doesn't like

00:46:23.500 to drink water.

00:46:25.240 Plain water

00:46:26.680 was his actual term,

00:46:28.520 which is just water.

00:46:29.720 And I'm not calling him

00:46:30.820 Fat Matt

00:46:31.420 to make fun of him.

00:46:32.500 I'm just saying,

00:46:33.300 look,

00:46:33.640 if your name's Matt

00:46:34.640 and you're thicker,

00:46:36.420 we've all been bullied

00:46:38.200 somehow, dude.

00:46:39.600 My name's Theo, right?

00:46:41.480 They called me

00:46:42.180 P.O. Theo

00:46:43.300 because I wet the bed.

00:46:45.220 Right?

00:46:46.400 Well, you're thinking,

00:46:47.360 nah, well,

00:46:48.260 you know, yeah.

00:46:49.080 Okay, that makes sense.

00:46:50.100 I wet the bed when I was 30, bro.

00:46:52.000 30.

00:46:53.880 So,

00:46:54.800 you know,

00:46:55.220 we all got something.

00:46:57.000 You know,

00:46:57.340 if you're Cindy

00:46:58.000 and you got a lot of body gas,

00:46:59.620 they call you

00:47:00.020 Wendy Cindy.

00:47:01.940 You know?

00:47:03.020 If you're Mark

00:47:04.000 and you're an arsonist,

00:47:05.020 they call you

00:47:05.480 Spark Mark.

00:47:07.700 You know?

00:47:09.120 If your name is,

00:47:10.200 if your name is fucking,

00:47:14.440 you know,

00:47:16.500 if your name is

00:47:17.260 Tyson

00:47:18.340 and you,

00:47:20.380 and you date Asian chicks,

00:47:23.540 they call you

00:47:24.120 Rice and Tyson.

00:47:25.700 Rice and Tyson.

00:47:27.280 Or if you use

00:47:28.420 ricin

00:47:29.020 like they use

00:47:30.260 in Breaking Bad

00:47:30.960 to poison people,

00:47:31.820 they call you

00:47:32.200 Rice and Tyson.

00:47:34.020 You know,

00:47:34.220 I'm just saying,

00:47:34.640 they all have,

00:47:35.600 you know,

00:47:35.780 we all got these shady little,

00:47:36.960 everybody's got something.

00:47:38.440 So this fellow

00:47:39.020 was called Matt.

00:47:40.120 That's his name

00:47:40.880 unless it was an assumed name.

00:47:42.160 And Matt,

00:47:42.460 I thank you for calling,

00:47:43.260 man.

00:47:43.340 I've never had the issue

00:47:44.280 of too much weight.

00:47:46.400 I've had the issue

00:47:47.120 of being skinny.

00:47:48.540 That sucks too.

00:47:50.600 You know?

00:47:51.380 I mean,

00:47:51.940 I feel like you're

00:47:52.500 just as afraid

00:47:53.100 to take your shirt off

00:47:53.940 when you're skinny

00:47:54.440 at the pool.

00:47:56.260 You know,

00:47:56.700 and you look like,

00:47:57.300 you know,

00:47:57.520 somebody that came out

00:47:58.260 of an internment camp

00:47:59.340 or like a,

00:48:00.320 you know,

00:48:00.820 you look like somebody

00:48:01.520 that just got released

00:48:02.840 from some,

00:48:03.980 you know,

00:48:05.340 some prison

00:48:05.900 where they don't feed you.

00:48:06.960 So I can't,

00:48:09.120 you know,

00:48:09.280 I can't relate 100%,

00:48:10.480 but I can relate

00:48:11.900 in feeling inferior

00:48:12.860 or feeling different.

00:48:14.420 But we had some advice

00:48:15.640 that came in for you,

00:48:16.520 Matt,

00:48:16.720 and I want to,

00:48:17.080 I want to put that

00:48:17.680 into a segment

00:48:18.140 right here for you.

00:48:19.260 And,

00:48:19.740 and so here we go.

00:48:22.240 What's up, Theo?

00:48:23.140 I wanted to call in

00:48:24.140 and offer some advice

00:48:26.360 for the fad dude.

00:48:27.600 Yeah, man,

00:48:28.040 he definitely sounds

00:48:28.700 like a fad dude.

00:48:30.640 Ooh,

00:48:31.200 man,

00:48:32.620 this guy coming in

00:48:33.300 hot right there.

00:48:34.580 And Matt,

00:48:34.960 I'm not siding

00:48:35.520 with this guy.

00:48:36.060 He's calling you

00:48:36.800 the fad dude.

00:48:37.260 I'm not siding with that.

00:48:38.880 But,

00:48:38.940 but look,

00:48:39.620 he's being,

00:48:40.000 he's being,

00:48:40.520 it sounds like

00:48:41.420 he's being poignant.

00:48:42.260 Let's hear what

00:48:42.580 he's got to say.

00:48:43.380 You mentioned

00:48:43.800 you don't like

00:48:44.300 plain water,

00:48:44.940 so that makes me

00:48:45.560 think you're

00:48:46.380 drinking soda.

00:48:47.340 And,

00:48:48.020 you know,

00:48:48.420 you can't be doing

00:48:49.300 that, man.

00:48:49.720 Sugar,

00:48:50.800 wheat,

00:48:51.080 and refined carbs

00:48:52.720 are very bad

00:48:53.520 for us.

00:48:53.960 And I don't think

00:48:55.040 we should be eating

00:48:55.700 them at all.

00:48:56.660 I think we should

00:48:57.420 just be eating

00:48:58.160 those cooked meats

00:48:59.020 and basically protein

00:49:00.600 and fats,

00:49:01.140 man.

00:49:01.320 I want you to

00:49:02.420 start waking up

00:49:03.580 in the morning

00:49:04.080 and going for a walk

00:49:06.120 on an empty stomach,

00:49:07.020 man.

00:49:07.940 Well,

00:49:08.340 you got some points

00:49:08.960 there.

00:49:09.560 And that might be

00:49:10.320 some of the hard

00:49:10.880 truth right there,

00:49:11.700 Matt,

00:49:11.980 you know,

00:49:12.160 if you're listening

00:49:12.640 to this,

00:49:13.100 but that is,

00:49:13.580 that's real.

00:49:14.580 You know,

00:49:15.060 going for a walk

00:49:15.680 on an empty stomach,

00:49:17.060 eating cooked meats.

00:49:18.660 Get out there,

00:49:19.460 boy.

00:49:19.720 Fill your mouth

00:49:20.220 with the cut

00:49:20.680 of that dove.

00:49:21.820 Try something fancy.

00:49:22.800 Try a hard salami.

00:49:24.780 You know,

00:49:25.600 try something wild.

00:49:27.640 You know,

00:49:27.960 get it,

00:49:28.220 have some rabbit.

00:49:29.720 Get a fucking

00:49:30.380 cut of vark

00:49:31.040 off the internet.

00:49:31.880 Hit you up

00:49:32.200 with some aardvark.

00:49:32.980 They got sites

00:49:33.520 that sell it.

00:49:34.720 Eat that elk.

00:49:36.180 You know,

00:49:36.660 get you a fine

00:49:37.460 turkey meat.

00:49:39.360 You know,

00:49:39.580 do so,

00:49:39.980 you know,

00:49:40.260 I'm saying if you

00:49:40.760 want to change,

00:49:41.400 you called in

00:49:41.800 about the change.

00:49:42.420 This guy's giving

00:49:42.880 you some hard

00:49:43.360 truth here.

00:49:44.800 That's why I'm

00:49:45.160 going to let him

00:49:45.480 ride it.

00:49:45.900 Let's keep going

00:49:46.480 onward.

00:49:47.180 Man,

00:49:48.100 you know,

00:49:48.460 put on,

00:49:48.840 put on Theo's

00:49:49.580 podcast and go

00:49:50.360 for an hour long

00:49:51.200 walk in the morning.

00:49:52.540 And what that's

00:49:53.600 going to do is

00:49:54.020 that's just going

00:49:54.560 to speed up

00:49:54.980 your insides.

00:49:56.240 Basically,

00:49:56.700 that's going to,

00:49:57.360 that's going to

00:49:57.840 make everything

00:49:58.320 a little bit faster

00:49:59.180 in there throughout

00:49:59.760 the day and

00:50:00.380 speed up your

00:50:01.140 metabolism.

00:50:02.140 And there you go.

00:50:02.800 That's a life hack

00:50:06.660 he's dropping it

00:50:07.340 on you.

00:50:08.680 You know,

00:50:08.880 and I kind of

00:50:09.800 wish that fella

00:50:10.340 could have said

00:50:10.940 a little bit more,

00:50:12.380 you know,

00:50:12.720 maybe have a little

00:50:13.180 more compassion

00:50:13.880 in it.

00:50:14.740 You know,

00:50:15.100 like,

00:50:15.400 look,

00:50:15.560 Matt,

00:50:15.740 I understand,

00:50:16.480 you know,

00:50:16.740 I have this issue

00:50:17.660 and here's maybe

00:50:19.440 some suggestion.

00:50:20.840 But he wanted

00:50:21.500 to hit you straight.

00:50:22.460 He wanted to give

00:50:23.060 you that hitter,

00:50:23.580 man.

00:50:24.160 He wanted to

00:50:24.720 gray block you.

00:50:25.660 And that's what

00:50:26.080 happened.

00:50:26.960 You got that.

00:50:28.160 So that's some

00:50:28.780 advice right there.

00:50:29.560 He's saying get

00:50:30.100 that,

00:50:30.560 get your motor

00:50:31.660 going before you

00:50:33.120 put gas in it.

00:50:34.760 So that way

00:50:35.340 when the gas

00:50:35.920 goes in,

00:50:36.660 you already

00:50:37.620 burning.

00:50:39.040 You know,

00:50:40.400 you burning

00:50:40.980 before you start

00:50:41.960 churning.

00:50:43.580 And that's that.

00:50:45.200 Let's hear a little

00:50:45.880 bit more,

00:50:46.320 Matt.

00:50:46.420 I want to give

00:50:46.740 you a couple

00:50:47.020 more callers

00:50:47.620 that hit the

00:50:49.100 hotline.

00:50:49.660 And the hotline

00:50:50.160 is 985-664-9503.

00:50:54.660 And it's a hotline

00:50:55.440 where if I can

00:50:55.940 relate to any

00:50:57.420 young men out

00:50:58.100 there or women,

00:50:59.940 but you know,

00:51:00.400 this isn't a man

00:51:02.300 show,

00:51:02.700 but this show

00:51:03.140 has started off

00:51:03.860 where we offer

00:51:04.780 basic life

00:51:05.520 suggestions.

00:51:06.660 For adult

00:51:07.300 men.

00:51:10.120 And that's,

00:51:11.440 if it's just,

00:51:12.140 if it's something

00:51:12.880 I can relate to,

00:51:13.700 I'll share

00:51:14.240 my experience.

00:51:16.040 So you're not

00:51:16.700 having to experience

00:51:17.960 it alone.

00:51:19.360 And if I can't,

00:51:21.040 sometimes I'll

00:51:22.120 present it out

00:51:22.600 to the audience

00:51:23.180 and see if other

00:51:25.300 men can help you

00:51:25.980 out.

00:51:27.220 Or other women.

00:51:28.640 You know,

00:51:28.900 this isn't just

00:51:30.220 men, but,

00:51:31.160 you know,

00:51:31.900 this is

00:51:32.140 predominantly men.

00:51:33.580 Onward.

00:51:34.240 Hey, Theo,

00:51:35.000 it's your boy

00:51:35.480 Andrew from

00:51:37.100 Minnesota,

00:51:37.880 and I'm just

00:51:38.380 calling...

00:51:39.100 Andrew from

00:51:40.080 Minnesota.

00:51:40.800 Minnesota,

00:51:41.700 one of the

00:51:42.100 states where you're

00:51:42.520 least likely to get

00:51:43.720 pink eye.

00:51:44.500 Did you know that?

00:51:46.200 You do now.

00:51:47.480 In regards of

00:51:48.440 math,

00:51:49.000 if you have some

00:51:49.820 problems with

00:51:50.340 addiction and food,

00:51:51.640 this is what worked

00:51:52.520 for me when I went

00:51:53.540 on my last diet.

00:51:54.920 Now,

00:51:55.280 I think it'd be

00:51:55.820 beneficial if you

00:51:56.820 cut out eating

00:51:57.920 until you're really

00:51:58.760 actually hungry.

00:51:59.740 Now,

00:51:59.960 that's something that

00:52:00.600 I think a lot of

00:52:01.140 people overlook is

00:52:02.860 they think they're

00:52:03.880 hungry,

00:52:04.160 but they're really

00:52:04.520 just craving food.

00:52:05.640 You really just

00:52:06.060 want to eat

00:52:06.540 something.

00:52:06.880 Man,

00:52:07.820 I feel that,

00:52:08.480 and I can relate

00:52:09.180 to that even,

00:52:10.060 because I'll notice

00:52:10.880 if I get up in the

00:52:11.540 morning and I eat

00:52:12.340 immediately something

00:52:13.220 big,

00:52:14.340 it's just a habit.

00:52:16.580 You know?

00:52:17.160 I find that I get

00:52:18.020 my most work done

00:52:19.340 and most effectively

00:52:21.240 if I don't even eat

00:52:22.180 until lunchtime.

00:52:23.760 I mean,

00:52:24.080 I'm skittish around.

00:52:25.320 I mean,

00:52:25.560 look,

00:52:25.800 I'll be honest,

00:52:26.300 by then I've had

00:52:26.820 two or three coffees

00:52:27.720 and I'm skittish

00:52:28.420 and I almost want

00:52:28.940 to probably cry

00:52:29.960 or take a nap

00:52:30.600 and call my mom,

00:52:31.760 but I've gotten

00:52:33.240 some stuff done.

00:52:34.120 Let's hear more.

00:52:35.520 Just go on a

00:52:36.260 mini fast

00:52:36.880 and then guess what?

00:52:38.180 You're going to be

00:52:38.560 so hungry

00:52:39.220 that that salad,

00:52:40.800 that can of tuna,

00:52:41.900 that chicken thigh

00:52:42.860 that's got nothing on it

00:52:43.740 but a little salt

00:52:44.360 and pepper,

00:52:45.100 you know,

00:52:45.380 that's going to start

00:52:45.880 looking really good,

00:52:46.640 man.

00:52:46.800 You're not going

00:52:47.220 to be able to lie

00:52:47.760 to me and tell me

00:52:48.380 that that's not

00:52:48.940 going to start

00:52:49.340 looking good.

00:52:50.000 You've got to get

00:52:50.580 really hungry,

00:52:51.280 man.

00:52:52.140 Ooh,

00:52:52.500 I like that.

00:52:53.520 He's saying you've

00:52:54.120 got to David Copperfield

00:52:55.220 that gut.

00:52:56.780 So if your gut

00:52:57.720 sees something,

00:52:58.460 of course,

00:52:59.860 look,

00:53:01.160 if my gut

00:53:01.680 wakes up

00:53:02.560 and is lurking around

00:53:03.760 and see a hot cake,

00:53:05.200 see a

00:53:05.600 little dish

00:53:07.020 of syrup,

00:53:09.220 then my gut

00:53:09.860 is going to jump

00:53:10.500 on that,

00:53:11.300 right?

00:53:12.220 But if my gut

00:53:13.180 gets burning,

00:53:14.180 if I take a

00:53:15.000 10-minute walk,

00:53:16.600 you know,

00:53:17.120 if I take a,

00:53:18.440 you know,

00:53:18.920 a little stroll around

00:53:19.960 or get moving

00:53:20.680 and my gut's burning

00:53:21.600 and then I wait

00:53:23.140 two hours,

00:53:24.840 then that hunger

00:53:26.080 built up.

00:53:27.280 That hunger

00:53:28.000 back there

00:53:28.380 flexing back

00:53:29.120 behind you,

00:53:29.840 boy.

00:53:30.440 That hunger

00:53:31.040 is peeking out,

00:53:31.940 you know,

00:53:32.200 it's peeking out

00:53:32.760 from behind your

00:53:33.340 spine and,

00:53:34.360 you know,

00:53:34.600 dropping out of your

00:53:35.360 asshole and peeking

00:53:36.320 around from under

00:53:37.040 your nuts

00:53:37.640 because that hunger

00:53:38.900 starts looking for

00:53:39.740 something.

00:53:40.700 Then you're not

00:53:41.380 living off a habit,

00:53:42.900 you're living off

00:53:43.660 of hunger

00:53:44.360 and that's when

00:53:45.720 you'll eat an apple.

00:53:47.000 That's when you'll

00:53:47.580 have just a small

00:53:48.660 stack of cheese,

00:53:50.760 you know,

00:53:51.000 or that's when

00:53:51.380 you'll have just a

00:53:51.960 little,

00:53:52.560 you know,

00:53:53.040 even just mix some

00:53:53.840 salt and pepper

00:53:54.460 in your hand

00:53:55.000 and take that.

00:53:57.440 You know,

00:53:57.920 that's what we used

00:53:58.440 to have when I

00:53:58.920 was young,

00:53:59.500 man.

00:54:00.880 And they used

00:54:01.400 to call that a

00:54:01.920 coal miner cigarette

00:54:02.820 when you would

00:54:04.160 just mix salt and

00:54:04.920 pepper in your hand

00:54:05.660 and just have it

00:54:06.220 like that real fast.

00:54:07.900 And a lot of

00:54:08.400 coal miners used

00:54:09.080 to do that

00:54:09.480 because they

00:54:09.880 couldn't smoke

00:54:10.540 down in the

00:54:11.000 mines because

00:54:11.880 sometimes they

00:54:12.220 had natural gas

00:54:13.120 in there.

00:54:14.280 So they'd have

00:54:14.860 that coal miner

00:54:15.440 cigarette,

00:54:15.920 they'd take a

00:54:16.260 little salt,

00:54:16.740 a little pepper,

00:54:17.260 sometimes even

00:54:17.560 a little bit of

00:54:18.000 snuff,

00:54:18.840 put it in there,

00:54:20.480 you know,

00:54:21.240 circle it around

00:54:21.900 in their hand,

00:54:22.540 take it to the

00:54:23.780 pipe.

00:54:25.100 Throw that shit

00:54:25.740 down your throat,

00:54:26.560 get spicy and

00:54:27.580 get salty and

00:54:28.360 get fucking

00:54:28.880 get twisty

00:54:31.900 off that

00:54:32.220 snuff powder.

00:54:34.020 Let's hear a

00:54:34.600 little more.

00:54:35.620 Actually hungry.

00:54:36.600 You can't be

00:54:37.040 craving food,

00:54:37.900 you have to

00:54:38.240 actually be

00:54:38.800 hungry.

00:54:39.320 A lot of

00:54:39.560 people say

00:54:39.900 they're hungry,

00:54:40.580 they're just

00:54:41.160 craving food.

00:54:42.580 Boom.

00:54:43.340 That's true.

00:54:44.460 That boy's on

00:54:45.160 it.

00:54:45.640 He's on it

00:54:46.180 like a

00:54:46.520 hornet.

00:54:47.660 That boy

00:54:47.960 will sting

00:54:48.460 your sister.

00:54:50.000 That boy

00:54:50.360 will leave

00:54:50.620 a baby in

00:54:51.240 your family,

00:54:51.820 you know

00:54:51.940 what I'm

00:54:52.140 saying?

00:54:52.400 That gentleman

00:54:52.840 right there,

00:54:53.300 you can tell

00:54:53.660 he gets in,

00:54:54.580 he's effective,

00:54:55.440 and he gets

00:54:56.020 out.

00:54:56.880 That's that

00:54:57.560 freelance Tony

00:54:59.260 Robbins right

00:54:59.760 there,

00:54:59.920 that gentleman,

00:55:00.300 what was his

00:55:00.660 name?

00:55:00.920 Hey,

00:55:01.460 Theo,

00:55:01.920 it's your boy

00:55:02.400 Andrew.

00:55:03.500 That was

00:55:03.820 Andrew.

00:55:04.820 That was

00:55:05.120 wild Andrew

00:55:05.920 out there.

00:55:07.220 Just firing,

00:55:08.320 boy,

00:55:08.520 it's a sniper.

00:55:09.640 Here's the

00:55:10.280 facts,

00:55:10.740 Jack.

00:55:10.980 One more call

00:55:14.040 for you,

00:55:14.400 Matt.

00:55:14.720 Hey,

00:55:15.080 what's up,

00:55:15.540 Theo?

00:55:15.800 This is

00:55:16.120 Anthony.

00:55:17.080 I just

00:55:17.540 want to

00:55:17.720 leave a

00:55:18.020 quick comment

00:55:18.680 about Matt

00:55:20.160 from Cleveland

00:55:20.820 who's having

00:55:21.420 a tough time

00:55:22.280 eating healthy

00:55:23.740 food.

00:55:24.600 Thanks for

00:55:25.160 calling.

00:55:25.880 More?

00:55:26.320 And prefers

00:55:27.100 non-plain

00:55:28.720 water.

00:55:29.900 I think the

00:55:30.460 thing that Matt

00:55:31.080 needs to do

00:55:31.680 first is quit

00:55:32.740 being a little

00:55:33.160 pussy-ass bitch.

00:55:35.360 And I don't

00:55:36.300 mean that to

00:55:37.400 be funny.

00:55:38.420 So,

00:55:39.060 I don't know.

00:55:39.880 That's my

00:55:40.280 advice.

00:55:41.480 Peace out.

00:55:42.320 Hope it helps,

00:55:43.000 Matt.

00:55:43.760 Damn.

00:55:45.420 And that's

00:55:45.920 gutter right

00:55:46.460 there.

00:55:47.800 He just

00:55:48.160 said quit

00:55:48.520 being a

00:55:48.900 pussy-ass

00:55:49.320 bitch.

00:55:49.600 And sometimes,

00:55:50.300 dude,

00:55:50.460 and I'll

00:55:51.920 say this,

00:55:52.540 with the new

00:55:53.180 assistant,

00:55:53.560 I'm not

00:55:53.800 hearing these

00:55:54.260 calls before.

00:55:56.100 So,

00:55:57.100 this is the

00:55:57.820 first time

00:55:58.380 that I'm

00:55:58.640 hearing these

00:55:59.120 calls in

00:55:59.500 their entirety.

00:56:02.600 If it's

00:56:03.200 one that I

00:56:03.620 need to have

00:56:04.400 some reference

00:56:04.900 point on,

00:56:05.420 I will.

00:56:06.440 But,

00:56:06.760 uh,

00:56:07.160 but,

00:56:08.320 so this is

00:56:08.600 the first

00:56:08.880 time I'm

00:56:09.240 hearing this.

00:56:10.240 I think

00:56:10.760 that's,

00:56:12.000 you know,

00:56:13.220 I think

00:56:13.520 that that's,

00:56:14.100 sometimes we

00:56:14.720 have to hear

00:56:15.140 that.

00:56:15.980 Sometimes we

00:56:16.360 have to have

00:56:16.720 somebody tell

00:56:17.300 you the

00:56:17.700 fucking

00:56:18.100 truth.

00:56:19.920 Because we're

00:56:20.540 out here

00:56:20.820 living in

00:56:21.320 this sauce,

00:56:22.240 this and

00:56:22.580 that.

00:56:23.180 But there's

00:56:23.560 effective ways

00:56:24.300 to do it.

00:56:26.160 You know,

00:56:26.640 sometimes there's

00:56:27.140 more effective

00:56:27.680 ways than

00:56:28.160 just calling

00:56:28.640 somebody a

00:56:29.160 pussy,

00:56:29.740 you know,

00:56:30.740 and fucking,

00:56:31.560 you know,

00:56:32.120 cutting their

00:56:32.560 back open and

00:56:33.260 putting fucking,

00:56:34.600 you know,

00:56:35.820 glitter in their

00:56:37.000 wounds,

00:56:39.320 you know.

00:56:40.620 But there's

00:56:41.420 other,

00:56:42.080 there's ways to

00:56:42.640 do it,

00:56:43.760 you know,

00:56:44.100 but sometimes we

00:56:44.580 just have to

00:56:44.940 fucking hear it.

00:56:46.700 All right,

00:56:47.900 what else?

00:56:49.520 Oh man,

00:56:50.080 I know everybody

00:56:50.640 had,

00:56:51.040 I want to thank

00:56:51.660 everybody for

00:56:52.020 coming on the

00:56:52.540 Hampton Ain't Easy

00:56:53.300 tour last year.

00:56:54.840 And we got this

00:56:55.720 call that came in

00:56:56.700 on the hotline

00:56:57.540 right here,

00:56:58.020 this fellow.

00:56:58.780 Let's go.

00:56:59.140 Hey Theo,

00:57:00.220 my name's Austin

00:57:00.880 and I'm from

00:57:02.400 Oregon up here

00:57:03.440 just south of

00:57:04.160 Portland.

00:57:05.120 So one night I

00:57:05.660 was working on

00:57:07.020 the farm that I

00:57:08.020 live on and

00:57:08.600 I'm working away

00:57:09.860 and I heard you

00:57:10.780 on your other

00:57:12.420 podcast allegedly

00:57:13.420 talking about

00:57:14.600 hamster farms.

00:57:16.100 Yep,

00:57:16.600 I grew up in a

00:57:17.060 hamster breeding

00:57:17.720 area and that's

00:57:18.800 true there,

00:57:19.320 Austin,

00:57:19.580 I grew up in

00:57:19.960 the stray animal

00:57:20.600 belt.

00:57:21.060 Let's hear more.

00:57:22.320 Talking about

00:57:22.820 hamster farms and

00:57:24.160 I thought it was

00:57:24.540 crazy because I

00:57:25.480 live on Hamster

00:57:26.280 Ranch.

00:57:26.720 I was right in

00:57:27.740 the middle of

00:57:28.000 feeding hamsters.

00:57:28.600 I was kind of

00:57:28.940 freaking out.

00:57:29.660 I was just in

00:57:30.320 there by myself

00:57:31.000 feeding hamsters

00:57:31.760 listening to you

00:57:32.360 talk about

00:57:32.780 hamsters.

00:57:33.580 That's beautiful

00:57:34.460 boy.

00:57:36.040 That's beautiful.

00:57:37.860 He out there.

00:57:39.340 Has everybody

00:57:39.700 been thinking over

00:57:40.460 time that I'm

00:57:41.260 not coming at

00:57:42.540 you with the

00:57:43.000 reality of things?

00:57:45.000 That I didn't

00:57:45.740 grow up in a

00:57:47.580 hamster breeding

00:57:48.340 area?

00:57:49.100 That I wasn't

00:57:50.040 raised in the

00:57:50.640 stray animal belt?

00:57:53.140 Get with me.

00:57:55.720 Let's hear more.

00:57:56.720 I started looking

00:57:57.820 into it more.

00:57:58.560 What's the deal

00:57:58.980 with hamsters?

00:57:59.660 What's with

00:58:00.120 Theo and

00:58:00.540 hamsters?

00:58:01.500 I thought it

00:58:01.880 was pretty funny.

00:58:02.560 I was feeding

00:58:02.980 hamsters and

00:58:03.680 randomly you were

00:58:04.320 talking about

00:58:04.740 hamsters and I

00:58:06.380 live on this

00:58:06.980 hamster ranch at

00:58:08.660 night.

00:58:09.360 I don't know what

00:58:10.100 I'd do without

00:58:10.500 you guys'

00:58:10.920 podcasts.

00:58:12.700 Every night when

00:58:13.420 I'm feeding baby

00:58:14.040 hamsters, I'm

00:58:14.740 listening to

00:58:15.420 allegedly all the

00:58:17.460 old back episodes

00:58:18.760 and new ones when

00:58:19.980 they come out.

00:58:20.760 If you're ever in

00:58:21.740 need of a hamster

00:58:22.460 ranch sponsor or if

00:58:24.460 you're ever in the

00:58:25.400 Portland area next,

00:58:26.720 maybe we could

00:58:27.160 negotiate something

00:58:27.880 with the hamsters

00:58:28.600 or just a tour or

00:58:31.060 something.

00:58:33.300 100% Austin.

00:58:35.040 100% I'll be

00:58:36.100 hitting you up when

00:58:37.060 I come into town

00:58:37.820 over that weekend.

00:58:39.360 And that's February

00:58:40.080 8th through the

00:58:40.940 11th, Harvey's in

00:58:42.720 Portland, Oregon.

00:58:44.020 Maybe we'll even get

00:58:44.720 a couple of listeners

00:58:46.320 out to it as well.

00:58:47.880 Maybe we'll do

00:58:48.520 something special.

00:58:49.180 I'll be in touch

00:58:49.740 with you.

00:58:49.940 I appreciate that.

00:58:50.740 And you know that

00:58:52.180 that man, if you

00:58:52.900 can't think of

00:58:55.080 something to bring

00:58:55.620 you joy, people,

00:58:56.540 if you can't think

00:58:57.160 of something to

00:58:57.580 bring you joy, know

00:58:58.620 that that man out

00:58:59.420 there feeding them

00:59:00.740 little hamsters.

00:59:02.400 He out there feeding

00:59:03.640 them little hamsters

00:59:04.820 at nighttime.

00:59:06.000 One man doing all

00:59:07.320 of that work.

00:59:09.140 And that is a small

00:59:10.160 God.

00:59:10.680 That man is a small

00:59:11.560 God.

00:59:12.300 Those little mouths.

00:59:14.000 And he feeding them

00:59:14.680 water.

00:59:15.020 He feeding them milk.

00:59:15.900 He feeding them

00:59:16.400 sugar water.

00:59:18.620 Man, that's beautiful.

00:59:19.560 Thank you for calling

00:59:20.080 Austin.

00:59:21.120 Thank you for calling.

00:59:22.380 A lot of cool stuff

00:59:23.100 on this episode.

00:59:24.120 Happy New Year to

00:59:25.000 you guys.

00:59:27.440 Do I have some

00:59:28.160 resolutions?

00:59:29.060 Yeah, I got some

00:59:29.660 resolutions.

00:59:30.460 They're just general.

00:59:31.880 You know, still

00:59:33.000 battling with trying

00:59:33.740 to quit smoking.

00:59:35.420 I'd had 14 days

00:59:36.900 of no smoking.

00:59:38.280 And then I got

00:59:39.160 something happened

00:59:40.940 after a comedy show

00:59:41.840 and I just felt

00:59:42.300 irritable and

00:59:43.240 discontent.

00:59:44.300 And then I smoked

00:59:45.160 a cigarette.

00:59:46.400 And then I've

00:59:48.000 probably had two

00:59:49.780 cigarettes a day

00:59:50.520 since then.

00:59:51.360 So, you know,

00:59:52.380 I'm flirting with

00:59:53.140 quitting, but it's

00:59:54.140 just not there yet.

00:59:55.260 But I'm trying.

00:59:57.040 Outside of that,

00:59:57.660 I want to get back

00:59:58.160 in shape this year.

00:59:58.980 I want to try to

00:59:59.520 get in shape.

01:00:00.500 So I can relate

01:00:01.380 to you, Big Matt.

01:00:02.600 I can relate to

01:00:03.440 you, other people.

01:00:03.920 I'm trying to get

01:00:04.400 in shape as well.

01:00:06.120 And those are

01:00:06.680 really my New Year's

01:00:07.360 resolutions.

01:00:07.900 They're general.

01:00:08.860 And just continue

01:00:09.700 to try to, you know,

01:00:11.080 learn a little bit

01:00:11.800 more about myself.

01:00:14.080 And then just try

01:00:15.040 and, uh,

01:00:15.820 man, I just

01:00:17.860 and just, I don't

01:00:19.620 know, just let go

01:00:20.740 of my will and let

01:00:21.580 go of my ego and

01:00:23.240 to get better at

01:00:23.900 comedy.

01:00:24.460 Those are my goals.

01:00:26.000 Uh, we had some

01:00:26.820 callers that came in

01:00:27.540 with a couple of

01:00:28.400 issues and we're

01:00:28.940 going to get this

01:00:29.500 one.

01:00:29.720 And if you guys have

01:00:31.340 any thoughts, um, this

01:00:33.220 seems like one.

01:00:34.000 I haven't heard it

01:00:34.440 yet, but this is

01:00:35.940 from Danielle.

01:00:37.040 Here we go.

01:00:38.160 Hey, Theo.

01:00:38.720 My name is Danielle.

01:00:40.160 I am 25 and a

01:00:42.020 virgin.

01:00:42.660 Not by choice, but

01:00:44.160 due to lack of

01:00:45.200 takers throughout the

01:00:46.060 years.

01:00:47.140 Hmm.

01:00:47.900 Well, this sounds

01:00:48.500 like Danielle is

01:00:49.060 reading this like she

01:00:49.980 wrote it in advance.

01:00:51.780 Uh, and that's okay.

01:00:53.000 Let's back up a little

01:00:53.820 bit and, uh, and

01:00:54.620 keep playing it.

01:00:55.280 Here we go.

01:00:55.720 Not by choice, but

01:00:57.300 due to lack of

01:00:58.360 takers throughout the

01:00:59.220 years.

01:00:59.880 Okay.

01:01:00.440 So Danielle is still a

01:01:01.380 virgin due to lack of

01:01:02.560 takers.

01:01:04.860 Are you trapped

01:01:08.080 somewhere, Danielle?

01:01:09.600 Let's hear more.

01:01:10.640 I think it's a rarity

01:01:11.720 in this day and age to

01:01:12.720 be 25 and a virgin, and

01:01:14.380 I worry it will be a

01:01:15.400 turnoff for any guy when

01:01:16.660 he finds out, and that

01:01:17.680 only heightens my

01:01:18.680 insecurity about it.

01:01:19.860 So I would just love

01:01:21.260 some insight into this

01:01:22.400 pickle of a situation

01:01:23.360 from a male sensual

01:01:25.180 connoisseur such as

01:01:26.180 yourself.

01:01:26.780 Thanks.

01:01:28.100 Well, that's a while

01:01:30.460 when you're 25, you're

01:01:31.700 still a virgin because

01:01:33.400 of any male takers.

01:01:35.380 Uh, it does seem wild

01:01:36.880 in this area because

01:01:37.560 they got some fellows

01:01:38.240 out there.

01:01:40.180 You know, you would

01:01:41.220 think most fellows

01:01:41.900 would, I mean, it

01:01:44.580 definitely makes you

01:01:45.180 nervous.

01:01:46.560 I think as a man,

01:01:48.180 because you got that

01:01:49.100 first of all, you're

01:01:49.680 that, you know, you

01:01:50.980 you sending in that

01:01:51.900 initial, that initial

01:01:53.640 thistle.

01:01:54.200 So you're going to

01:01:55.660 be, you know, you're

01:01:56.420 feeding that first

01:01:57.180 dolphin.

01:01:57.860 This is going to be the

01:01:58.300 first time your little

01:01:58.900 dolphin gets fed when

01:02:01.060 you're catching, um,

01:02:02.560 when you're catching a

01:02:03.280 little bit of D from

01:02:04.060 somebody.

01:02:06.040 And does it turn men

01:02:08.880 off?

01:02:09.260 I mean, I would just

01:02:12.000 wonder if you feel like

01:02:12.920 you have to tell them.

01:02:14.060 I guess you probably do

01:02:15.120 because you want, you

01:02:16.600 know, the guy to know

01:02:17.460 if you're working in, you

01:02:18.580 know, in a novice

01:02:19.280 universe.

01:02:20.400 Sorry, somebody just

01:02:21.360 rang the doorbell making

01:02:22.440 sure everything's okay.

01:02:24.520 Um, yeah, like you

01:02:27.680 want everybody to know

01:02:28.700 that, you know, that,

01:02:30.920 you know, that there's

01:02:32.320 wet paint, if you will.

01:02:34.900 So that's something you

01:02:35.920 probably want them to

01:02:36.580 know.

01:02:37.100 But is it turning men

01:02:38.200 off?

01:02:38.500 Is it a turn off?

01:02:39.820 I think it's exciting to

01:02:42.560 some men.

01:02:43.220 You know, there's

01:02:43.580 something in that, you

01:02:44.160 know, in a man that

01:02:44.940 wants to get that, you

01:02:46.600 know, that wants to get

01:02:47.120 that squirrel in his

01:02:48.000 mouth.

01:02:48.920 You know, sometimes you

01:02:49.700 don't want to buy the

01:02:50.220 beef jerky.

01:02:50.800 Sometimes you want that

01:02:51.460 raw meat.

01:02:52.660 And so a lot of men

01:02:53.560 are going to be

01:02:53.860 thinking like that.

01:02:56.540 Um, whoo, that's a

01:02:59.620 tough one.

01:03:00.540 That's a tough one.

01:03:01.540 I don't know.

01:03:02.620 How would I feel if a

01:03:03.900 girl told me that?

01:03:04.960 If I didn't care about

01:03:06.240 her at all, I would be

01:03:07.180 like, ah, do I want to

01:03:10.260 go here?

01:03:11.320 Do I want to have sex

01:03:12.440 with this girl just to

01:03:14.120 get some cut up, just to

01:03:16.220 get some hot wallet?

01:03:18.700 Do I want to do that

01:03:20.020 because then I'm going to

01:03:20.620 be burdened on my

01:03:21.840 conscience with that?

01:03:23.580 I did that just for my

01:03:24.880 own take.

01:03:27.700 And at 17, 16, 15, 18,

01:03:31.240 it's a little different

01:03:32.480 because, I mean, at

01:03:34.460 that, at that age, you're

01:03:35.560 just running around with

01:03:36.420 an erection.

01:03:38.000 You know, you'll fuck

01:03:39.700 anything.

01:03:40.600 I mean, you will put your

01:03:42.160 dick in anything.

01:03:43.480 You'd put it into a sharp

01:03:44.940 vagina.

01:03:45.260 Even if somebody told you

01:03:46.980 you had a chance of not

01:03:48.880 getting cut.

01:03:50.440 I mean, it's just, that's

01:03:51.460 it, you know, it's

01:03:51.980 different back then.

01:03:52.840 And you're not thinking

01:03:53.340 about the repercussions or

01:03:54.520 if anybody's feelings are

01:03:55.540 involved around 25, you

01:03:58.660 know, if you're going to

01:03:59.040 date a man, at least your

01:03:59.840 own age or lose your

01:04:01.220 virginity to a man of at

01:04:02.160 least your own age, then

01:04:03.680 that man probably, he

01:04:05.480 might be questioning some

01:04:06.400 things, you know, he might

01:04:07.920 be wondering, you know, he

01:04:09.600 might be worried about if

01:04:11.340 he's going to feel bad if

01:04:13.800 he's just trying to, you

01:04:14.880 know, take your, you

01:04:17.100 know, your virginity.

01:04:18.640 If he's just trying to

01:04:19.180 steal that, steal that

01:04:20.680 squeal.

01:04:22.300 So that's a tough one.

01:04:23.280 And you know what, I'm

01:04:23.780 going to put that out to

01:04:24.320 our callers if you guys

01:04:25.120 have any thoughts or

01:04:26.160 suggestions for Danielle

01:04:28.620 there.

01:04:30.120 Send him in.

01:04:30.800 Still a virgin at 25.

01:04:32.920 Let's hear the end of it

01:04:33.780 again so I know exactly

01:04:34.560 what she's asking.

01:04:35.500 So I would just love some

01:04:37.020 insight into this pickle of

01:04:38.360 a situation from a man.

01:04:40.440 Okay, a little further

01:04:41.560 back.

01:04:41.880 In this day and age to be

01:04:43.000 25 and a virgin and I

01:04:44.740 worry it will be a turn

01:04:45.800 off for any guy when he

01:04:46.940 finds out.

01:04:47.980 I mean, look, I, but then

01:04:49.720 now as I'm thinking about

01:04:50.680 a little bit more, it's

01:04:51.760 starting to turn me on a

01:04:53.000 little.

01:04:53.640 So there you go with a

01:04:54.820 man.

01:04:55.320 At first, maybe I'm a

01:04:56.420 little bit considerate

01:04:57.320 about it, but then after

01:04:58.620 a while, that's the dog

01:05:00.580 is getting out.

01:05:02.080 You know, at first I'll

01:05:03.320 show you the parakeets

01:05:04.300 out front.

01:05:04.940 You'll see the pretty

01:05:05.560 birds, but in the back

01:05:06.940 they got that dog and

01:05:08.620 he's starting to stretch

01:05:09.760 and he's starting to, you

01:05:11.740 know.

01:05:12.000 So now I'm thinking it'd

01:05:13.440 be nice to get out in

01:05:14.560 there and get that hitter

01:05:15.860 from you.

01:05:16.900 So I'd love to, if you guys

01:05:18.720 have any suggestions for

01:05:19.740 ladies, 985-664-9503.

01:05:23.100 Actually, I think that's

01:05:23.860 more of a, of a, of a

01:05:25.340 question for guys.

01:05:27.320 Is it a turn off?

01:05:28.440 I mean, it's exciting.

01:05:31.440 It's adventurous.

01:05:32.500 It's your first time.

01:05:33.500 People, a man, you don't

01:05:34.700 want to be a part of that.

01:05:36.860 You know, there's something

01:05:37.720 limbic in a man.

01:05:38.840 You want to be that first

01:05:40.340 ride.

01:05:41.640 You want to be that first

01:05:42.720 Ferris wheel.

01:05:43.940 Because also as a man, if

01:05:45.720 we're no good, then fuck,

01:05:49.480 you don't know.

01:05:50.780 You have no idea.

01:05:52.780 You're going to think no

01:05:53.860 matter what, that we're the

01:05:55.600 best.

01:05:56.780 So I'll tell you this, for a

01:05:58.200 dude that's that, you know,

01:05:59.620 I'm that professional bull

01:06:01.480 rider out there.

01:06:02.740 You know, I'm 8 Seconds

01:06:05.120 Ernie.

01:06:05.860 You know, I'm not that long,

01:06:07.400 I'm not that long song.

01:06:10.320 You know, I'm that prelude.

01:06:13.400 You know, I'm that, I'm that

01:06:14.760 fainting goat, boy.

01:06:16.580 When it comes to sex, you

01:06:17.940 know, I'm that fainting goat.

01:06:19.200 I'm not that sprinter.

01:06:20.740 I mean, I am that sprinter.

01:06:22.180 I'm not that long distance

01:06:23.280 warlord.

01:06:23.840 So for a guy like me, or

01:06:26.300 more guys like me, yeah.

01:06:28.500 Guys that know that we're

01:06:29.500 not that, you know, I'm not

01:06:30.960 Thor.

01:06:32.280 I'm Thurman, you know.

01:06:34.620 Or I'm Thornton.

01:06:36.140 You know, I'm somebody

01:06:36.880 nerdier than Thor.

01:06:38.320 When it comes to that

01:06:39.160 six, you know, to being out

01:06:40.400 in that crotch.

01:06:41.980 So there you go.

01:06:42.960 But guys, if you got any

01:06:43.960 suggestions or thoughts for

01:06:45.440 her, let her know.

01:06:46.500 One more call right here.

01:06:47.660 Let's take it.

01:06:48.460 Here we go.

01:06:49.020 Hey, Theo.

01:06:50.100 My name is Marissa.

01:06:51.000 I'm calling from the state

01:06:52.260 of Michigan.

01:06:52.980 I'm 21 years old.

01:06:55.220 Thank you for calling.

01:06:56.340 Marissa from Michigan.

01:06:57.800 I actually have a question.

01:06:59.380 Essentially, the lowdown is

01:07:01.020 that I'm kind of insecure

01:07:02.280 given that I know that he

01:07:04.100 has a lot more sexual

01:07:05.620 experience than I do.

01:07:06.900 Like, I've never felt

01:07:07.860 insignificant or incompetent.

01:07:09.820 I've always been pretty

01:07:10.500 confident that, oh, I'm good

01:07:11.540 and bad, like, whatever.

01:07:13.180 This guy, like, I know, like,

01:07:15.080 the level of tail that he

01:07:16.740 has been able to drag in,

01:07:17.800 if you will, I know all

01:07:19.140 these stories and stuff,

01:07:20.280 and we're friends, and it

01:07:21.240 doesn't bother me hearing

01:07:22.280 them, and I don't, like,

01:07:23.560 you know, part of me is

01:07:24.240 like, yeah, man, you get

01:07:25.360 it.

01:07:25.580 Now that we're kind of

01:07:26.680 dating, it makes me a

01:07:27.680 little bit worried.

01:07:29.020 I wonder, you know, am I

01:07:30.420 not up to the standard?

01:07:32.240 Am I not, you know, I'm

01:07:33.480 certainly not some Vegas

01:07:35.460 porn star who does it for

01:07:37.120 a living.

01:07:37.540 I'm just a little amateur

01:07:38.960 off to the side here doing

01:07:40.540 what you can.

01:07:41.460 Well, look, you could be a

01:07:43.060 freelance floor line and

01:07:44.100 show up with some real

01:07:44.800 skills, and I think this is

01:07:46.380 an opportunity you can

01:07:47.180 surprise this dude, because

01:07:49.120 you're saying he thinks he

01:07:50.140 got all the magic, you

01:07:51.840 know, you're saying he

01:07:53.440 thinks he got the

01:07:54.120 artillery, and he got the

01:07:55.240 archery bows, and he

01:07:57.260 bringing wild antics into

01:07:58.780 the bedroom, and he gonna,

01:07:59.980 you know, do a back flip and

01:08:01.620 land into that posse?

01:08:04.340 I don't know.

01:08:05.940 This one, you can bring

01:08:06.700 something wild in.

01:08:08.160 Bring you a toy or

01:08:09.120 something, hide something in

01:08:10.040 his butt, you know, sneak

01:08:11.760 something in, fill his mouth

01:08:12.880 with cabbage, and, you know,

01:08:14.820 and fucking choke him while

01:08:16.140 y'all having sex, you know?

01:08:18.480 Tickle that motherfucker.

01:08:20.680 You know what I'm saying?

01:08:21.660 Surprise him with some of

01:08:22.620 your skills, because those

01:08:24.500 skills can be anything.

01:08:26.300 Put glitter in your mouth and

01:08:27.620 give him that blowjob.

01:08:29.040 He'll never forget you, because

01:08:30.740 it's gonna take him a month to

01:08:31.640 get that glitter off his

01:08:32.480 wine, you know?

01:08:34.720 Hide a little bit of fuck, put

01:08:35.980 a little bit of glitter in your

01:08:36.900 pocket, get that pinch, hide it

01:08:39.200 in tween his ass, tween his

01:08:41.300 ass cheeks, you know?

01:08:44.040 Butt party, baby.

01:08:45.520 I'm feeling weak in the

01:08:47.040 cheeks.

01:08:47.880 Butt party.

01:08:50.120 You know, you bring some

01:08:51.220 magic.

01:08:52.340 Just because you ain't

01:08:53.100 bouncing that ass, you know,

01:08:55.940 like a, like a, um, just

01:08:58.980 because you ain't bouncing

01:08:59.900 that ass like a, like a

01:09:02.440 Cadillac in a Snoop Dogg

01:09:04.900 video, doesn't mean you can't

01:09:06.780 show up and do something

01:09:07.560 crazy, you know?

01:09:09.700 While he's fucking, you turn

01:09:10.880 around and fucking kick him.

01:09:12.060 Um, now who's a badass in

01:09:15.300 here?

01:09:16.020 Now who's got tricks?

01:09:17.820 See if he can fuck when he

01:09:19.540 can't even catch his breath.

01:09:21.840 Then we'll see if he's a

01:09:23.020 Conor McGregor or not.

01:09:26.000 Or we'll see if he's just a,

01:09:27.620 um, you know, a Larry

01:09:29.660 McGregor.

01:09:31.500 Or a Dirk McGregor.

01:09:33.820 Somebody you don't know or

01:09:34.920 never heard of.

01:09:36.160 So that's what I'm saying.

01:09:37.140 Bring your own tricks into the

01:09:38.120 bedroom, darling.

01:09:38.740 See what he's got.

01:09:39.460 See what he's got.

01:09:42.080 I want to thank you guys for

01:09:43.080 coming out.

01:09:43.680 I want to thank you guys for

01:09:44.420 being a part of this past

01:09:45.260 weekend for the new year.

01:09:47.100 Uh, we are going to have our

01:09:49.140 first caller call in.

01:09:51.320 Um, we're going to talk to,

01:09:53.400 we're going to talk to your boy

01:09:55.180 who shot up that Denny's,

01:09:56.700 right?

01:09:56.760 Hey, Theo.

01:09:57.560 My wife and I were watching,

01:09:59.160 uh, your special on Netflix

01:10:00.840 last week.

01:10:02.240 And we both almost had heart

01:10:03.940 attacks when you started

01:10:05.000 talking about, uh,

01:10:06.680 shooting up at Denny's.

01:10:07.580 Cause when I was 19,

01:10:08.980 I went to jail for shooting

01:10:10.220 up at Denny's.

01:10:11.040 Well, I bet who had heart

01:10:12.280 attacks was the people who,

01:10:13.540 uh, pretty much almost,

01:10:15.180 if they did caught them

01:10:16.500 bullets from you.

01:10:17.240 So I'm curious to, uh,

01:10:18.440 hear more about that and

01:10:19.420 learn more about that.

01:10:20.380 We're going to try to have

01:10:21.200 that on Thursday's episode.

01:10:23.360 Uh, otherwise we'll do it

01:10:24.420 next week.

01:10:24.960 I want to thank you guys for

01:10:25.880 being a part of this past

01:10:26.740 weekend.

01:10:27.260 Thank you guys for the

01:10:28.120 support.

01:10:28.620 I'll see you in some of these

01:10:29.580 upcoming shows.

01:10:30.480 Uh, Brea, California,

01:10:31.960 Jacksonville, Florida,

01:10:33.240 Oxnard, La Jolla,

01:10:35.000 Indio, California,

01:10:36.480 Portland, Oregon, and,

01:10:38.100 uh, and Tampa, Florida

01:10:39.380 over, uh, in the next five

01:10:40.980 months.

01:10:41.260 More shows will be added

01:10:42.100 soon.

01:10:42.640 You can get a new, uh,

01:10:43.860 this past weekend onward

01:10:45.120 shirt at theovon.com

01:10:46.860 slash store.

01:10:49.040 And I want to thank you,

01:10:51.180 uh, charter sponsor,

01:10:52.280 Grayblock Pizza.

01:10:53.120 Thank you to all the

01:10:54.020 callers.

01:10:54.860 Uh, I want to thank you

01:10:55.760 to Shy Chris.

01:10:56.860 I want to thank, um,

01:10:59.020 I want to thank the Lord

01:10:59.860 above.

01:11:01.380 Or the Lord out in the

01:11:02.940 earth, or mother nature.

01:11:03.940 I want to thank everybody,

01:11:04.760 uh, that got us into the

01:11:06.220 new year.

01:11:06.860 And I hope that this year

01:11:07.900 is whatever you want.

01:11:09.540 I hope this year is

01:11:10.420 whatever you want.

01:11:11.460 But I'll tell you this,

01:11:12.520 I bet, I bet that you can

01:11:16.780 make this year what you

01:11:17.500 want it to be.

01:11:19.360 You know, a friend of mine

01:11:20.200 asked me one time, he

01:11:21.100 said, dude, have you ever

01:11:21.880 worked really hard at

01:11:22.940 something in your life and

01:11:25.260 had it not come to

01:11:26.380 fruition?

01:11:26.820 And I thought about it

01:11:31.400 and the answer was

01:11:33.480 no.

01:11:35.160 No, I haven't.

01:11:36.600 I've never worked really

01:11:37.920 hard at something and

01:11:39.900 had it not come to

01:11:41.280 fruition.

01:11:41.760 So it just shows you, man,

01:11:44.880 you get out what you put

01:11:46.880 in.

01:11:47.880 My new year's resolution

01:11:49.620 is to try and be

01:11:53.280 active.

01:11:54.280 to take on the day, to

01:11:57.220 get out of my brain, get

01:11:59.220 into my body, and go

01:12:01.460 onward.

01:12:03.320 Because you cannot think

01:12:06.380 yourself into positive

01:12:09.760 action.

01:12:10.720 But you can act yourself

01:12:12.520 into positive thinking.

01:12:15.580 Get moving.

01:12:17.400 Let's go.

01:12:18.420 Onward.

01:12:19.160 Welcome to 2018.

01:12:20.860 Thank you guys for your

01:12:22.740 love and support.

01:12:24.280 Thank you.

01:12:26.240 We've been Patreon.

01:12:30.440 Thank you.

01:12:32.920 I'll see you.

01:12:33.060 We have a chance to

01:12:34.000 fly.

01:12:35.080 Let's go.

01:12:35.280 One moment.

01:12:36.580 Thank you.

01:12:37.200 Thank you.

01:12:37.220 Thank you.

01:12:37.820 Thank you.

01:12:38.380 Thank you.

01:12:50.220 Hey.

01:12:51.020 Thank you.

01:12:52.040 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

01:13:07.760 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories,

01:13:13.020 and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:13:15.520 The answer may shock you.

01:13:17.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:13:19.320 Sometimes I won't.

01:13:20.180 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:13:23.920 You have three new voice messages.

01:13:26.900 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:13:29.840 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.

01:13:34.140 So great.

01:13:35.500 Hi, sweetheart.

01:13:37.180 Here's the deal.

01:13:38.460 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:13:42.440 Jermaine.

01:13:43.780 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:13:47.320 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:13:49.200 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:13:54.360 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:13:58.520 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:14:02.720 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:14:08.500 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 01, 2018

Like a Virgin ｜ This Past Weekend #63

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