This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Denny's Shooter Call-In ｜ This Past Weekend #64

00:00:00.980 All right, it's Thursday, baby, so take your tits off and throw them down the street, player. 1.00

00:00:08.340 This ain't time to be breastfeeding one another. 1.00

00:00:11.000 We got work to do this past weekend.

00:00:30.000 You can hear that.

00:00:42.560 That's Jesse Lucero. 0.90

00:00:48.560 With that dirty, barbaric beat right there.

00:00:53.220 That's Jesse Lucero here on Thursday, January 4th.

00:00:58.980 I got that in my inbox.

00:01:00.900 I want to thank Jesse Lucero.

00:01:02.280 Jesse also played the Auld Lang Syne from the New Year's episode last week on Monday.

00:01:08.260 And I forgot to mention that Jesse did that.

00:01:12.160 And Jesse could be a man or a woman.

00:01:14.600 I believe that Jesse is a man.

00:01:16.620 But that's me jumping to crotch-clusions, if you will, because I don't know.

00:01:23.260 You don't really know.

00:01:24.120 I'm from an area where a lot of people had names that could be anything.

00:01:28.980 A lot of people named after weather.

00:01:30.900 Stormy.

00:01:32.780 Stormy.

00:01:33.440 Hail.

00:01:34.880 Dusty.

00:01:36.500 Dusty's not really a weather, but it's just more of like a dirt condition.

00:01:41.900 Skimpy.

00:01:42.940 That's just really like somebody that's cheap.

00:01:45.320 But yeah, I grew up in that belt where they had a lot of names.

00:01:48.780 A lot of people named different things.

00:01:51.480 You know?

00:01:52.780 Rodolfo.

00:01:53.180 They had a boy of us named Rodolfo.

00:01:55.360 And they used to call him Dolphy.

00:01:57.620 And kids, honestly, used to beat him up a lot.

00:02:01.280 We had people that had this boy named Tot by us, T-O-T.

00:02:04.640 And I've talked about him before.

00:02:06.480 And he was, you know, he had a little bit of the affliction, kind of.

00:02:10.000 He was one of God's favorites, really.

00:02:11.380 You know, he was half angel, half person.

00:02:15.520 You know, had a hit of that tism. 0.99

00:02:17.400 And he used to, he would have to stand under a blanket all the time.

00:02:21.680 He was afraid to be outside of a blanket.

00:02:24.020 And so Tot had an easy name.

00:02:27.440 He was, you know, granted an easy name.

00:02:29.460 So it would be easy for him to spell.

00:02:30.780 You know, hard to forget, Tot, T-O-T.

00:02:32.660 Same thing, backward, forward.

00:02:33.720 That's Tot.

00:02:36.920 But that's Jesse Lucero one more time.

00:02:40.240 And this is that music. 0.97

00:02:43.720 If you're like a little, maybe if you're like a gay guy getting chased by like a barbarian, you know. 0.96

00:02:53.660 But then the gay guy morphs into like a 19, like a 1990s metal rocker. 0.99

00:03:01.860 Unicorn with long hair and just fucking attacks the, attacks the barbarian. 1.00

00:03:12.680 And then they end up banging probably and moving to a sanctuary city, you know. 0.99

00:03:17.060 Good to be here with you guys.

00:03:18.400 Welcome to this past Thursday.

00:03:20.920 Man, I'm fired up.

00:03:22.160 I just, I'm going to tell you right out of the gate that I have some upcoming dates.

00:03:25.800 January 5th, that's coming up ASAP.

00:03:28.080 I'll be in Santa Clarita on Main Street at Comedy Mashup.

00:03:33.240 You can Google that and find those tickets.

00:03:35.480 11th through the 14th, I'll be at the Brea Improv of January.

00:03:39.120 January 18th through 20th, the New Comedy Club in Jacksonville, Florida.

00:03:43.580 February 16th through 18th, La Jolla, California.

00:03:47.240 February 22nd through the 24th, Indio, California at Fantasy Springs Casino.

00:03:52.600 And April 6th and 7th in Tampa at Rock Brothers Brewing.

00:03:58.580 Oh, good to be here with you guys, you know.

00:04:00.840 That's how I'm feeling today.

00:04:02.000 I'm feeling, I'm feeling, you know, I'm feeling good.

00:04:06.040 We did a little bit of yoga yesterday.

00:04:08.540 And I like yoga, man.

00:04:09.760 I like yoga until the teacher, the teacher in ours is like this really acrobatic, homoerotic gentleman. 1.00

00:04:18.840 And he might be gay, might not be gay. 0.99

00:04:22.000 We might all be gay. 0.97

00:04:23.520 You know what I'm saying? 0.97

00:04:24.660 A special hit of lightning hits the earth and it might shake everybody's shells up a little.

00:04:29.680 And next thing you know, you out there blowing the neighbor for powdered milk.

00:04:34.340 You know, the dicky dicky dust bowl is only a couple of, you know, lightning strikes away.

00:04:39.920 We don't know what the future holds. 0.91

00:04:42.260 But I know that, I know that this gentleman was, you know, was being homoerotic in there. 1.00

00:04:50.560 And we're in there in the yoga studio.

00:04:53.700 And he, you know, it's a good class until the end of the class is basically just him doing tricks.

00:04:59.700 And it's like all this stuff that you can't do. 1.00

00:05:01.880 And he's stretching and he's got his, you know, he's got his asshole wrapped around his shoulders. 1.00

00:05:06.700 And he's just, you know, he's wearing, you know, he's wearing his earlobes as fucking, you know, as he's got his earlobes tied around each one of his nuts. 0.99

00:05:17.320 And it's just, you know, he's in these poses that you can't duplicate. 0.99

00:05:20.800 He's at another level.

00:05:22.580 And that's when I don't like it because then it's just about him.

00:05:25.360 It's like at that point he's just, you know, he's tricked us all into stretching for 40 minutes so that he can have a crowd to be around him.

00:05:32.720 So that's, you know, that's when it's a little wild for me.

00:05:36.500 But I did that.

00:05:37.740 I felt a little bit better.

00:05:39.280 You know, I hit an AA meeting last night.

00:05:41.740 You know, I needed that.

00:05:42.800 I needed that hit.

00:05:45.540 And I'll probably go to one.

00:05:47.480 I'll go to one tomorrow morning.

00:05:48.660 I might go again tonight.

00:05:49.960 Because, you know, I'm out there.

00:05:51.180 I'm out there in those staying dry streets right now.

00:05:54.780 I want to get to a call.

00:05:55.940 This is going to be our first.

00:05:56.680 This is a special episode because this is the first live call that we've ever done.

00:06:01.900 And I'm thankful to Corey.

00:06:03.840 He just came on board to help us out.

00:06:06.720 And he's like a little bit of that.

00:06:08.900 He got that Wizard of Oz in him a little bit.

00:06:12.140 You know, he's out there in these electric streets.

00:06:14.720 You know, he knows what's going on with electricity and how to manage it and, you know, digital video management.

00:06:21.960 You know, he's like a, he's like a, you know, he's like a peeping Tom, but he's not doing the work.

00:06:30.920 He's making these cameras do the work.

00:06:32.820 So he's like a second.

00:06:34.580 He's like an overseer of these little electric peeping timers that we got out here from Canon and Panasonic.

00:06:39.960 And, and thank you to the Patreoners for helping us get a new camera and get things rocking and get things rolling.

00:06:47.200 But we got our first call.

00:06:48.540 And this is a gentleman that called in on the Monday episode.

00:06:51.560 He called in.

00:06:52.680 There's a part in one of my comedy, in my comedy special on Netflix where I talk about shooting up a Denny's.

00:06:57.800 I'm going to play that for you right now.

00:06:59.360 Now that part is in my comedy special, right?

00:07:16.920 And then we got this call from him on the hotline.

00:07:19.940 And this was a call that came in right here.

00:07:23.080 Here we go.

00:07:29.360 And we both almost had heart attacks when you started talking about shooting up a Denny's because when I was 19, I went to jail for shooting up a Denny's.

00:07:38.480 It's a story I'd love to tell you.

00:07:40.580 Wow.

00:07:41.240 That's the dark arts right there, boy.

00:07:43.920 And we're going to get, we're going to call him right now.

00:07:45.900 It's going to be our first live call.

00:07:47.940 And we're going to hear, we're going to hear, we're going to hear the story.

00:07:52.160 So I'm excited.

00:07:53.240 I hope you guys are.

00:07:54.520 I'm grateful that we came this far because to me, this is a big deal.

00:07:58.420 You know, you're talking to a man who if a camera doesn't work, I'll get some color pencils and take a sketch pad with me.

00:08:04.860 You know, I'll stay old fashioned if I have to, you know.

00:08:10.140 You know, I'll send a homing pigeon out there. 0.99

00:08:12.080 Hell, I'll send a fucking, I'll send a nightingale, you know, with a little bit of graffiti on his leg. 0.99

00:08:19.080 You know, I'm okay with going old fashioned. 0.99

00:08:21.460 So to be this high tech right now and be doing this, man, I'm, I'm keyed up.

00:08:27.760 Well, I'm hopped up, boy.

00:08:29.140 This is that digital cocaine right here.

00:08:32.560 Here we go.

00:08:38.300 It's ringing.

00:08:39.180 Hello. 1.00

00:08:50.200 Fuck Denny's, man. 1.00

00:08:52.060 I wish people would quit shooting up movie theaters and shoot up a fucking Denny's, okay? 1.00

00:08:56.900 Hey, brother, it's Theo. 0.99

00:08:58.820 Hey, buddy.

00:08:59.740 How's it going, man?

00:09:01.340 It's good.

00:09:01.880 How are you?

00:09:02.320 Good to hear from you.

00:09:03.060 Yeah, well, look, it's good to hear from you, you know, assuming that obviously your, your release date, you know, we got your call on the hotline and I appreciate you calling and I appreciate you listening to the podcast.

00:09:14.380 Always, man.

00:09:15.440 Big fan.

00:09:16.260 Big fan.

00:09:16.860 Well, thank you very much.

00:09:18.500 Yeah, you said you and your wife were checking out the Netflix and, and saw the bit about Denny's and if you don't mind, will you just take us from there?

00:09:25.920 Yeah, yeah, we were, uh, we were watching the Netflix special and, um, got to that point and man, we just looked at each other and, uh, almost fell over cause it was, it, it brought me back and, uh, uh, you know, when, uh, I'll, I'll, I'll just tell you from the beginning.

00:09:46.620 Um, so you were part of shoot, you were part of shooting up at Denny's is this?

00:09:51.700 Yeah.

00:09:52.260 Okay.

00:09:52.920 Yeah.

00:09:53.280 Yeah.

00:09:53.600 I was, that's cool, man.

00:09:54.980 I mean, it's unfortunate, but it's, uh, I mean, it's, I mean, it's dark to be laughing at this, but this is the dark arts and sometimes the dark arts brings people together, you know, sometimes it brings people together, you know, and we are together.

00:10:09.060 We are.

00:10:09.660 Yeah, we are.

00:10:10.320 And I'm nervous.

00:10:10.940 And look, I'm excited.

00:10:11.900 This is my first caller that we've ever had in on, uh, on this past weekend.

00:10:14.920 So.

00:10:16.580 Well, uh, I certainly nervous about that.

00:10:21.500 Jeez, man.

00:10:22.080 Well, look, I don't think you could tell us a more heartwarming story though, you know, cause sometimes people got to pop off at a Denny's, you know, we've all wanted to.

00:10:32.500 And, um, so tell me, tell me what happened, man.

00:10:35.700 Okay.

00:10:36.140 Well, uh, let me just start from the beginning.

00:10:38.940 When I was, uh, when I was 14 years old, I had, uh, uh, my sister who was like a couple of years older than I am.

00:10:47.120 She had a boyfriend who was, he was in the military and again, she was 16 years old.

00:10:54.740 Oh, so he was older, much older.

00:10:58.320 Wow.

00:10:58.760 Uh, I, I never really knew how old he was, but, um, he was in the military and, you know, he only hung around with her for about a year or so.

00:11:08.580 Um, but, uh.

00:11:10.380 Were they in love, do you think, if you look back on it?

00:11:13.400 No, no.

00:11:15.120 Well.

00:11:15.700 She might've been.

00:11:16.520 You know, she might've been.

00:11:18.380 So your sister's dating this fella?

00:11:20.900 She's dating this fella.

00:11:22.600 I'm 14 years old, maybe 13.

00:11:24.940 I'm not, I'm not exactly sure.

00:11:26.480 You're just a sapling out there and you're young too, man.

00:11:28.640 You're probably coming into your own at that age a little bit.

00:11:31.660 No, I was, I was, that was a long, long way away before, before I was ever coming into my own.

00:11:38.280 Are you still a novice?

00:11:39.200 You're still out there tadpolling you heavy poling out there.

00:11:42.740 Most certainly.

00:11:43.760 Yeah.

00:11:44.140 I've been out there, man.

00:11:46.080 Yeah.

00:11:46.440 I was a, I was a late bloomer for sure.

00:11:49.740 Yeah.

00:11:50.480 Uh, and this is a, I've been out there.

00:11:52.000 This guy, I'll, I'll, I'll call Rambo.

00:11:54.180 Mm-hmm.

00:11:54.680 Um, cause he, to me at the time, he, he was, he was, he was a badass.

00:12:01.180 He was Rambo. 0.97

00:12:02.100 He was.

00:12:02.720 He didn't wear the eye black, he wore the eye black under his eyes and stuff at dinner?

00:12:06.440 Like that kind of deal?

00:12:08.180 No.

00:12:08.900 No eye black.

00:12:10.880 Yeah.

00:12:11.340 Cause I can't, cause I'm picturing a dude like, you know, elbow crawling across your living

00:12:15.460 room, you know, to try and spend time with your sister.

00:12:19.200 Then, and then out of nowhere, he just disappears.

00:12:21.540 And, you know, my life goes on and, you know, I'm sad for a while, but things go on and things

00:12:28.100 change.

00:12:28.640 But here comes 19 years old, Adam's, Adam's 19 years old.

00:12:33.720 And, uh, I don't remember how he came back into my life, but he did.

00:12:39.480 And, uh, ends up hanging out with me and my friends.

00:12:43.560 And, um, at this point I'm, I have been kicked out of my, my home, my, my bedroom with, at my

00:12:52.040 mom's house.

00:12:53.440 Okay.

00:12:53.800 So you're out there squirreling, you're squirreling a little bit in your life.

00:12:56.440 You're kind of, you just growing up, you're growing up.

00:12:59.940 Yeah.

00:13:00.280 I'm trying to figure it out.

00:13:01.420 Yeah.

00:13:01.940 I'm trying to figure it out.

00:13:03.140 I'm trying to figure things out.

00:13:04.240 Uh, uh, the, the, the two, the, the, the key figures in the story are myself, Rambo and

00:13:12.920 my buddy, two dark Mark, two dark Mark.

00:13:15.360 Okay.

00:13:16.140 Two dark Mark. 0.92

00:13:17.080 And I'm guessing he wasn't, was he in the BP oil spill or we're talking about a brother?

00:13:21.520 A brother.

00:13:22.420 He's certainly a brother.

00:13:23.520 He's certainly a, a, a, a great fella.

00:13:26.120 And I can't, you know, he, I can't say too much of great things about him.

00:13:32.400 He's, he's an awesome dude.

00:13:33.700 And too dark.

00:13:34.260 You just mean he just has dark, dark skin, dark, dark skin. 0.96

00:13:37.960 Yeah.

00:13:38.160 Can't see him.

00:13:39.420 Can't see him.

00:13:40.340 Yeah.

00:13:40.740 A secret in the way.

00:13:42.200 Yeah.

00:13:42.780 Can't see him in the daylight.

00:13:44.140 Oh yeah. 0.84

00:13:44.380 A real super black person can keep a secret, you know? 1.00

00:13:47.620 Yeah.

00:13:48.140 Um, and I, and that's tough cause we're all on the spectrum.

00:13:50.980 Whether you, some people are almost see through when you can see their veins, you can see their

00:13:53.760 heartbeat a little bit.

00:13:54.940 So then they'll eat lunch and you can almost see it kind of going under their skin a little

00:13:58.380 bit.

00:13:59.280 And then you have, and then you have the other end of the spectrum where people are so dark, 1.00

00:14:03.160 you know, they usually end up being soccer players.

00:14:05.400 I feel like in Britain, but that's just, that's my evaluation.

00:14:09.060 But yes, onward.

00:14:10.000 Take us more.

00:14:11.400 Yeah.

00:14:12.060 Um, Rambo.

00:14:14.020 Mm-hmm.

00:14:14.460 Too dark Mark and myself, we're, we're hanging out and we decide that we want to go play pool.

00:14:20.680 Well, they too decide that they want to go play pool one night and.

00:14:25.740 And you're tagging along.

00:14:27.440 Yeah.

00:14:27.980 I don't necessarily want to go, but Rambo intimidates me into going. 1.00

00:14:34.400 Yeah.

00:14:34.760 Right.

00:14:35.060 I don't want to go cause I've already got the feeling he just came back from, uh, desert

00:14:41.320 storm.

00:14:42.580 Oh yeah.

00:14:43.760 Then you go.

00:14:44.920 Yeah.

00:14:45.720 Yeah.

00:14:46.280 This is before PTSD.

00:14:47.580 When people, you didn't even know what they were.

00:14:49.220 It was just wild.

00:14:50.760 And.

00:14:51.100 Right.

00:14:51.600 And they came back.

00:14:52.220 Yeah.

00:14:52.660 If that person asked you to do something, we just came back from service.

00:14:55.340 You always did.

00:14:56.160 It didn't matter, you know?

00:14:57.960 Right.

00:14:58.440 You always did.

00:14:59.780 And so I went, um, you know, we're going to go play pool.

00:15:04.060 So I, I, I begrudgingly agree.

00:15:07.940 And we drive to, we get in Mark's or two dark Mark's car and we go to Rambo's house to pick 0.92

00:15:14.980 up the pool cues.

00:15:17.060 But you know, when we get there and I have no idea that when we get there that they pull

00:15:23.460 pick up the pool cues, not only do they pick up the pool cues, but they also pick up a couple

00:15:29.500 of handguns.

00:15:30.500 Ooh boy.

00:15:31.620 A couple of heaters, huh?

00:15:33.440 Yes.

00:15:34.260 Nice, bro.

00:15:35.340 I mean, yeah, a couple of fricking hand rockets, dude.

00:15:38.540 You know what I'm saying?

00:15:40.120 Yeah.

00:15:40.920 They pick them up.

00:15:42.040 They didn't tell me because I'm in the backseat.

00:15:45.020 Yeah.

00:15:45.180 Yeah.

00:15:45.420 Nobody tells the backseat guy.

00:15:46.900 Uh-uh.

00:15:47.360 Nobody tells the backseat guy anything.

00:15:49.340 No.

00:15:49.600 In a drive-by, usually the backseat guy is the guy that's with the look on his face like, 0.99

00:15:52.760 what the fuck's going on? 0.99

00:15:55.100 Exactly. 1.00

00:15:55.540 Yeah.

00:15:56.500 Okay.

00:15:57.040 Exactly.

00:15:57.140 So you guys cruise off, you got the pieces, you're going to play pool.

00:16:01.220 Right.

00:16:02.200 We're driving down the street.

00:16:03.900 We drive past Denny's, and I see my girl, who is a friend, and I'm saying that because

00:16:11.720 my wife is in the other room, and I want to make sure she knows it. 1.00

00:16:14.380 Understood.

00:16:14.700 Whatever happened.

00:16:15.480 Understood.

00:16:17.660 And my car's there at Denny's, and we decide to stop.

00:16:25.500 Of course, you see your car somewhere, you're going to stop.

00:16:27.600 Yeah, of course.

00:16:28.300 I'm hungry.

00:16:29.240 We're going to hang out.

00:16:30.420 We're going to eat a little bit.

00:16:31.760 We stop.

00:16:32.760 We pull over.

00:16:33.360 We stop, and we eat a little bit.

00:16:35.080 We hang out, talk, and by this point, it's two or three o'clock in the morning, and we're

00:16:43.400 done.

00:16:44.280 We decide we're going to leave.

00:16:46.680 I'm fat, full, and sleepy.

00:16:48.780 They still want to go play pool.

00:16:50.540 Oh, yeah.

00:16:51.020 We never go play pool, but we're pulling out.

00:16:56.500 Before I know it, Too Dark Mark and Rambo are leaning out of the car, shooting the signs 0.76

00:17:04.060 and the windows and the glass with the guns that they never told me that they had pulled

00:17:08.320 out.

00:17:08.880 Right.

00:17:10.340 So they just start popping off at this Denny's.

00:17:14.580 They start popping the Denny's off and just lighting the place up.

00:17:18.040 Wow.

00:17:18.920 And you're telling me that you didn't know a dude named Rambo and Too Dark Mark would

00:17:24.680 shoot up a Denny's, bro?

00:17:28.540 I didn't know that they were going to be doing it right then at the same time.

00:17:32.200 I thought they had gunned it out of their system in the military.

00:17:35.220 Wow.

00:17:36.220 Well, we don't have enough.

00:17:38.420 They should put more Denny's out there in the desert.

00:17:41.480 Yeah.

00:17:42.800 So then you guys take off.

00:17:45.240 So now you're...

00:17:46.440 Well, no.

00:17:47.400 I'm yelling, let's go, let's go, let's go.

00:17:51.400 But one thing I didn't say earlier was that earlier in the day, Rambo had been wearing 0.99

00:17:58.520 this stupid leather fedora that looked like something out of Indiana Jones. 0.99

00:18:04.720 Not even worn and dusty or anything, just brand new off the shelf at Sears. 1.00

00:18:12.140 Damn. 0.99

00:18:12.560 And where is this? 1.00

00:18:13.360 What area of the country is this in?

00:18:15.340 This is Dallas, Texas.

00:18:16.780 Oh, hell yeah, boy.

00:18:19.160 Pop, pop.

00:18:19.720 Now, are people running when they're shooting?

00:18:23.300 Like, are people running and scared or what's going on?

00:18:26.580 I don't know.

00:18:27.220 I don't remember.

00:18:28.080 Yeah.

00:18:28.220 I have no idea.

00:18:29.040 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:29.220 Because I'm caught up in the fact that these fools are shooting. 0.99

00:18:36.400 You know, I'm 19 years old. 0.99

00:18:38.720 Yeah.

00:18:38.900 I'm scared shitless.

00:18:41.060 Are you excited?

00:18:41.940 Now, you said you're scared.

00:18:43.100 I could get that 100%.

00:18:43.720 After they pull the guns in the car, is there a little bit of excitement?

00:18:50.620 Maybe there's a little bit of, yeah, I'm a badass.

00:18:55.920 Maybe a tiny bit of that.

00:18:57.280 Yeah.

00:18:57.680 Yeah.

00:18:58.020 I could imagine that.

00:18:59.360 Yeah.

00:18:59.680 Maybe a little bit.

00:19:00.580 Oh, yeah.

00:19:02.760 I mean, this is before that video game.

00:19:04.940 What's the video game that everybody plays?

00:19:07.440 Grand Theft Auto.

00:19:08.380 Yeah.

00:19:08.680 This is before that.

00:19:10.580 This is real live Grand Theft Auto at Denny's.

00:19:13.000 Wow.

00:19:14.840 Man, that's amazing, man. 1.00

00:19:17.240 And so, he's got this stupid hat on, and he's leaning out the window, at the same time 1.00

00:19:24.380 driving both of them. 1.00

00:19:26.040 The car's moving forward.

00:19:27.540 They're shooting.

00:19:28.600 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:29.260 Wind catches the fucking hat, right? 1.00

00:19:32.600 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:19:33.320 Wind hates hats.

00:19:34.980 Wind hates hats, especially large brim hats.

00:19:37.800 Ugh.

00:19:39.320 So French, dude.

00:19:40.660 It catches, it lifts, it causes a lift.

00:19:43.380 And it raises the car up a little bit.

00:19:46.100 Uh-huh.

00:19:46.840 And raises his head up and off his head, and it flies off, and he starts yelling, go back

00:19:52.880 for the hat.

00:19:53.500 Go back for the hat.

00:19:54.780 And I'm yelling, no, don't go back for the hat.

00:19:57.800 Go back.

00:19:58.160 Don't go back for the hat.

00:19:59.400 Yeah.

00:19:59.600 If anybody knows anything about anything, they know that at two or three o'clock in the morning

00:20:05.020 at Denny's, there's police there.

00:20:09.380 Yeah.

00:20:09.900 This is the most French, this is the most French ending to a Rambo movie ever. 0.91

00:20:15.440 There's a shooting, and you go back for the most homoerotic hat ever, a fedora.

00:20:23.480 A fedora, dude.

00:20:25.020 A fedora, yeah.

00:20:25.540 There is nothing more.

00:20:27.360 That is so French, bro.

00:20:28.760 So, how does it end, man?

00:20:31.080 Tell us how it ends.

00:20:31.900 Okay.

00:20:32.440 So, it ends by, well, there's still a little bit left.

00:20:37.180 Okay.

00:20:38.140 Okay.

00:20:40.820 I'm saying, don't go back.

00:20:42.300 He's saying, go back.

00:20:43.900 Too dark, Mark stops the car, puts it in reverse, goes back. 0.99

00:20:47.580 I realize I have no choice but to get out and get the fucking hat. 0.98

00:20:50.840 I open the door, I see the hat, I reach my hand out, pull it up, grab it, pull it up, 0.99

00:20:56.420 bring it in the hat, and I sit back up, only to see police lights everywhere.

00:21:02.160 Wow.

00:21:03.020 And before I knew it, there was a boot and a shotgun in the back of my head and neck.

00:21:09.060 Wow.

00:21:10.280 I was on the floor, on the ground, and.

00:21:14.980 What were they saying?

00:21:16.080 Were they nice or not nice?

00:21:18.420 Oh, no, they were not nice. 0.99

00:21:19.860 They were, you know, certainly shouting expletives and get the fuck on the ground and, you know, 0.99

00:21:26.380 taking advantage of their positions in the world. 1.00

00:21:32.620 Those badge balls, they had badge balls, huh?

00:21:35.520 Oh, yeah, absolutely.

00:21:36.660 And were they using, were they, now, did you notice, because it sounds like you and Rambo 0.95

00:21:40.200 were white or Caucasian, and that Too Dark Mark seemed like he might have been a little

00:21:44.980 more urban.

00:21:45.520 Was there any favoritism there?

00:21:47.020 No, or it seemed just even across the board?

00:21:49.520 No, because we lived in, you know, we, we lived in the ghetto.

00:21:53.480 Right.

00:21:54.660 You know, and I know you know.

00:21:57.780 Yeah.

00:21:58.280 It, uh, it, yeah, this is where we grew up. 1.00

00:22:01.560 Everybody's a piece of shit over there, yeah. 1.00

00:22:03.660 Everybody's a piece of shit, yeah. 1.00

00:22:05.040 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:05.540 So, yeah.

00:22:06.240 Wow. 1.00

00:22:06.600 So, you guys shot up the fucking Denny's. 1.00

00:22:09.280 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:10.180 Anybody die?

00:22:11.120 Anybody get hurt?

00:22:12.040 No.

00:22:12.860 Well, you know, I never heard.

00:22:14.960 Yeah.

00:22:15.140 I don't think so.

00:22:16.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:16.780 And the fucked up thing about it was, my girlfriend was in there, and these fools 1.00

00:22:21.640 still did it. 1.00

00:22:23.540 Dang, dude.

00:22:24.280 That's so Ray Carruth, bro.

00:22:25.680 That sounds like that, that, uh, like that, um, God, that's such a, you shot up a Denny's

00:22:32.100 with your girlfriend in it, man.

00:22:34.220 That's love, bro.

00:22:35.180 Okay.

00:22:35.260 In some places, that is true love.

00:22:37.900 You know?

00:22:38.800 That's true romance.

00:22:40.160 It's like if you let something go and it comes back to you, then it's meant to be.

00:22:43.320 I think that is the definition of that.

00:22:46.460 Right.

00:22:47.640 Okay, so I go to jail.

00:22:49.100 Mm-hmm.

00:22:49.700 They arrest me, and them being in the military,

00:22:51.980 Mm-hmm.

00:22:53.540 They're, uh, they're commanding officers.

00:22:56.500 They call them, and immediately, they're snatched up out of there, out of the jails,

00:23:00.600 in no time.

00:23:02.720 They spend maybe an hour in jail, right?

00:23:04.740 Wow.

00:23:06.100 Of course, and I'm terrified in jail, and this is the, I go straight downtown Dallas,

00:23:13.060 and it is Uncle Lou.

00:23:15.540 It's, uh, Uncle Lou College.

00:23:16.540 Like what, a lot of, like, a lot of, like, you know, people that were, like, train robbers

00:23:21.760 and stuff like that type of people, or thugs? 0.69

00:23:25.460 Thugs. 0.97

00:23:25.960 I mean, nothing but thugs. 1.00

00:23:27.620 Do you have to watch anybody take a shit in there? 0.99

00:23:29.400 Like, if you're in there, is there one toilet? 0.99

00:23:31.480 Or what's that like?

00:23:32.180 Yeah.

00:23:32.760 Yeah, it was a stainless steel toilet.

00:23:35.180 Stainless steel toilet with, um...

00:23:37.600 What do you do?

00:23:38.540 Were you afraid to use the bathroom?

00:23:40.560 I don't think I shat or pissed once.

00:23:42.800 Yeah.

00:23:43.260 I would cough it up if I had to.

00:23:44.960 There's no way I would sit down.

00:23:46.420 Yeah, 24 hours. 0.99

00:23:47.280 For, no, for 24 hours, I didn't shit or piss or eat or anything. 0.99

00:23:50.720 Oh, I would cough all the shit in my body right up out of my face, 0.99

00:23:53.920 because there's no way that I would sit down or turn my back on a group of people 1.00

00:23:57.780 with my penis in my hand and in a place like that. 1.00

00:24:00.060 That is crazy. 1.00

00:24:02.520 No.

00:24:03.460 So, when you were sitting in there, what's going through your head?

00:24:07.220 Just fear?

00:24:08.080 Uh, fear? 0.99

00:24:10.440 I'm fucking cold as shit, because they keep it, you know, 37 degrees in there. 0.99

00:24:15.880 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:24:16.200 Maybe.

00:24:16.820 And all the cold hearts in there, too.

00:24:18.940 The cold hearts. 1.00

00:24:20.340 Everybody's an asshole. 1.00

00:24:21.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:21.760 Everybody's got an attitude.

00:24:23.260 But I'll tell you what. 0.71

00:24:24.280 I did meet this one dude who had one leg, and I'm not shitting you. 0.93

00:24:28.920 Uh-huh.

00:24:29.100 He had one leg, and he had been arrested for, well, he came home.

00:24:36.140 Him and his wife had come home, and they had locked themselves out of their house.

00:24:42.140 Uh-huh.

00:24:42.480 So, they begin to break into their house, because it was late.

00:24:47.700 Yeah.

00:24:47.760 They wanted to go home, and they were tired.

00:24:50.080 It's their house.

00:24:51.460 It's their home.

00:24:52.380 They break into the house, and, you know, it's late.

00:24:56.200 They've probably been drinking.

00:24:59.960 They get in, and they start, you know, doing the nasty.

00:25:05.180 Sex, you mean? 0.97

00:25:07.080 Sex, you know? 1.00

00:25:08.660 Oh, I didn't know if they were fucking wiping boogers on each other, dude. 1.00

00:25:11.360 You know, there's a lot of different definitions of a nasty out there. 1.00

00:25:15.140 We used to try to hide sugar packets in each other's ass, dude. 1.00

00:25:18.760 And that was like wrestling. 1.00

00:25:20.840 If you could get one of those pink saccharine packets into somebody's ass, you won, you know? 1.00

00:25:25.460 Try hiding a Hershey's kiss in somebody's ass while you're sleeping next to them. 1.00

00:25:30.260 Oh, damn, boy. 1.00

00:25:32.640 Damn, boy. 1.00

00:25:33.440 Take the foil off. 1.00

00:25:34.340 That's the advent calendar.

00:25:36.900 Take the foil off.

00:25:37.780 Yeah, exactly.

00:25:38.980 Take the foil off and tuck it up in there and see how they wake up in the morning.

00:25:43.700 Take the foil off?

00:25:44.780 Come on, man.

00:25:46.060 You've changed, man.

00:25:47.440 You've changed.

00:25:48.660 Take the foil off.

00:25:49.880 Okay, so dude gets arrested, or no, the neighbors call on him being too loud, and they think

00:26:00.260 somebody's breaking into the house next door.

00:26:02.880 Police come, and he's got one leg, he's having sex with his wife, and he's arrested with a 0.98

00:26:09.580 bottle of KY in one hand and a dildo in the other. 0.98

00:26:13.020 Party.

00:26:14.340 And that's how he shows up to the jail.

00:26:17.560 Oh, dude.

00:26:17.840 And that's all I remember, really.

00:26:19.100 I don't remember anything else except for that dude.

00:26:22.780 That's silverware in Palm Springs, bro.

00:26:26.160 That's San Francisco silverware, dude.

00:26:28.140 A dildo in a bottle of KY, son.

00:26:31.320 That's all that is, man. 0.71

00:26:32.580 That's a cutlery set.

00:26:35.260 Wow.

00:26:37.060 Well, man, it's just remarkable, man.

00:26:38.700 You know, I appreciate you so much for calling.

00:26:40.340 And now you have a wife, you said.

00:26:43.420 I have a wife and three children, three girls.

00:26:45.400 That's beautiful, man.

00:26:46.240 And you guys still live there in Texas?

00:26:48.640 Yes, sir.

00:26:49.220 That's awesome, man.

00:26:49.920 I love Texas.

00:26:50.660 My favorite state to perform in.

00:26:52.740 I can't wait for you to come back down here.

00:26:55.320 Yeah, let me know, man.

00:26:56.400 Well, look, I'm not going to, we're going to ride separately to the show, but I'd love

00:27:00.680 to get you.

00:27:00.760 Yeah, I won't let you anywhere near my wife.

00:27:05.260 Okay, that's fair, bro.

00:27:07.240 I won't let you.

00:27:07.620 And I've already warned her.

00:27:08.840 I've already warned her.

00:27:10.200 Okay?

00:27:10.740 I won't let you anywhere near a gun if I bring one, okay?

00:27:15.200 Hey, man, I carry my own now these days.

00:27:17.620 These are mine and legal.

00:27:19.740 That's what I'm saying.

00:27:20.580 Well, look, because here's the crazy part.

00:27:22.700 If there's people like you as a child out there, as an adult, you have to be prepared,

00:27:27.480 you know?

00:27:28.940 Exactly.

00:27:30.860 Exactly.

00:27:31.580 That's exactly it, man.

00:27:32.540 I've got to protect my girls from people like me.

00:27:36.140 Yeah.

00:27:36.760 Dude, that's the exact, I don't have children yet, but that's exactly, I'm sure, what goes

00:27:40.900 through a lot of dads' heads, you know?

00:27:43.140 Of course.

00:27:44.520 Of course.

00:27:45.580 Well, Adam, we appreciate it so much, man.

00:27:47.200 This is awesome.

00:27:47.760 It's been a great first call.

00:27:49.360 This is like a milestone kind of for the podcast.

00:27:52.880 Theo, I hope I came through for you.

00:27:54.820 You did.

00:27:55.680 A hundred percent.

00:27:56.260 It's just a good practice just to talk to somebody for the first time and have it be

00:28:01.000 such a, like a thing that, you know, I just, you know, was talking about something and you

00:28:04.720 had actually lived it out, so.

00:28:06.700 Oh, yeah.

00:28:07.380 You have no, you have no idea how nervous I was, man.

00:28:11.540 Me too.

00:28:12.360 Me too, a hundred percent.

00:28:13.560 So, we were both nervous.

00:28:15.260 We got it done together, man.

00:28:16.280 I appreciate you.

00:28:17.760 Beautiful, buddy.

00:28:18.720 All right.

00:28:19.200 Will you text?

00:28:19.760 God bless you and take care.

00:28:20.640 Same here.

00:28:21.160 And if you hear that I'm coming to town, just drop me a text on the hotline and I'll get

00:28:24.400 you guys some tickets.

00:28:25.120 You'll be my guest for sure.

00:28:26.940 Beautiful, man.

00:28:27.540 Thank you.

00:28:28.100 All right.

00:28:28.400 Happy New Year to you and your family, bro.

00:28:30.500 All right, man.

00:28:30.940 You too.

00:28:31.260 Take care.

00:28:31.720 All right.

00:28:31.940 Peace.

00:28:32.020 Bye-bye.

00:28:35.140 Wow.

00:28:35.540 And there you heard it right there.

00:28:37.640 And you know what's wild?

00:28:39.240 And thank you so much, Adam, for calling in.

00:28:42.600 And what's even wilder is on my Facebook page, there is a clip of this Denny's.

00:28:52.920 And the Denny's bit is just about I hated going to Denny's.

00:28:54.980 It was an early comedy bit of mine.

00:28:56.720 It's one that I didn't do on the road last year, but I still love it.

00:28:59.740 I just haven't done it in a long time.

00:29:02.420 And, you know, I played a little bit for you a second ago, but somebody posted on my

00:29:08.400 Facebook page, my dad actually got shot to death at a Denny's because somebody ran it

00:29:15.460 with guns and shot it up. 0.99

00:29:18.200 And I'm reading this and I'm like, holy shit, man, this is horrible. 0.99

00:29:21.560 He goes, but I still love this comedy bit. 0.99

00:29:24.820 That's what he said.

00:29:25.760 And then he posted a link to the news story that happened when I believe his father got

00:29:34.640 killed at a Denny's.

00:29:35.880 So RIP to his father.

00:29:38.860 You know, this is kind of like, kind of cornered myself into a weird spot here.

00:29:42.140 But, but, you know, you just never know, you know, here, you know, here's something tragic

00:29:47.820 that happened to that man that happened to that boy's father.

00:29:51.340 But then years later, he, you know, he sees it online and is able to laugh a little bit.

00:29:57.160 So I know that's not the way that some people want to laugh.

00:30:01.020 But I'm glad that it worked out that way for that young man.

00:30:05.060 I'm glad Adam didn't go to jail because he got some beautiful family now.

00:30:08.740 And that's just a word out there that we can all recover from, you know, something heavy,

00:30:13.660 something hit you, you can recover.

00:30:15.880 You know, three years ago, my brother's house burned down.

00:30:18.160 They got hit by lightning.

00:30:19.660 You know, they got hit by dang lightning.

00:30:23.420 And you can do a lot of stuff in your life.

00:30:25.100 You can learn to read, you can learn to swim, you can learn to dance,

00:30:28.600 you can graduate college, you can graduate high school, you can get a GED.

00:30:33.560 None of that, you can own a business. 0.99

00:30:35.080 None of that shit's, you can't stop getting hit by lightning. 0.98

00:30:38.600 Sometime life's going to throw you that, those curve lightnings, you know. 0.99

00:30:43.500 And you just, you got to bounce back, whatever it is.

00:30:46.460 And this man, Adam that called in, shot up a dang Denizis, you know. 0.96

00:30:53.260 And now he's back.

00:30:54.420 He's back, he has a family, and he's living life.

00:30:57.520 And we appreciate him being the first caller on this past weekend for this past Thursday episode.

00:31:04.320 Oh man, it was a slow call though. 0.88

00:31:06.460 At some points I'm like, damn, am I still paying attention to this story?

00:31:10.900 But maybe I wasn't asking some of the right questions. 0.94

00:31:13.260 You know, we learn as we go.

00:31:14.880 We learn as we go.

00:31:17.100 We want to thank our charter sponsor, Gray Block Pizza, you know, because them cats is out there doing it right.

00:31:23.060 We got a couple of calls that came in.

00:31:25.160 We had a young lady that called who is still a virgin, Danielle, the 25-year-old virgin.

00:31:31.000 And, you know, sometimes she's worried, does that affect her, you know, ability to have, you know, how will guys look at it?

00:31:38.920 We got some calls about that.

00:31:40.320 Because that thing can get a little ripe. 0.99

00:31:42.520 You know, that thing can get a little bit ripe. 0.99

00:31:44.020 You know, first it's a peach and then after a couple of years, it's more of an apricot.

00:31:48.620 And then you're just running around with just a bag of raisins between your legs.

00:31:52.720 So sometimes you have to figure that out.

00:31:55.960 But I appreciate you calling in, Danielle.

00:31:58.040 We're going to get to that advice here in just a second.

00:32:01.980 A fresh new year has begun.

00:32:04.200 And if you're setting new goals for your business, it's extremely difficult to reach them goals without the right people on your team.

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00:32:37.920 Knock, knock. 0.93

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00:33:38.760 So that's it.

00:33:39.620 We got the dentist.

00:33:40.220 We got the first call out of the way.

00:33:41.480 That's exciting.

00:33:42.120 In the future, if you need help with something, if you're struggling, you know, it could be with anything.

00:33:49.920 Smoking, buying a home, drugs, you know, you got ashy skin, menthol, peanut butter.

00:33:59.520 It could be anything.

00:34:00.220 Whatever your issue is, if you need basic life suggestions, if there's something that I can help with, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.

00:34:09.120 We had some great calls that come in, and one of those was Danielle the Virgin from last week.

00:34:15.960 And I'm sorry to just call you that, Danielle, if you're listening this week on Thursday today.

00:34:20.000 That probably makes you feel a little bit awkward, you know, because I know there's a lot more to you than just that, you know, than just that locked up little garage, you know, than just that locked up little sweat locker, you know.

00:34:34.420 I know there's more, I know that there's a lot more to you, but what you called about was that, you know, what you called about was that spicy little V card.

00:34:45.120 And that's what we want to talk about.

00:34:47.860 So some people called in with advice for you.

00:34:49.740 She's 25. 0.53

00:34:50.660 She wanted to know if it affects the way that men look at her, think about her, or any suggestions.

00:34:56.040 Here we go.

00:34:56.540 This is Rob.

00:34:57.420 Hey, Theo.

00:34:57.960 This is Rob from Massachusetts.

00:35:00.140 Calling in with my two cents on your caller who is a virgin that called in. 0.99

00:35:04.860 She has a couple of options here.

00:35:06.380 One of them is, you know, she's got to go out there and put herself out there. 0.92

00:35:10.320 I remember a time when I was in college with all my friends out at the bars drinking.

00:35:14.660 I would have loved, you know, someone walked up to me and said, hey, let's go do this.

00:35:19.080 I'm a virgin.

00:35:19.940 It wouldn't have thought twice.

00:35:21.620 That's true.

00:35:22.200 That sounds like a drink special right there.

00:35:24.520 I mean, you could, let me tell you this.

00:35:26.140 If you set up a deal with a local bar, Danielle, and just to pick a man, and I'm not saying to sell your body or anything like that.

00:35:34.660 I'm not trying to be, you know, degrading to you.

00:35:36.880 I'm just piggybacking off of Rob's idea because Rob obviously has issues that he's offering this up.

00:35:42.680 I'm joking, Rob.

00:35:43.940 But the fact that, yeah, if you set up with a bar, said, hey, look, I'm a virgin.

00:35:49.520 Let's have meet a virgin night.

00:35:51.920 Woo-hoo. 0.65

00:35:53.280 And you took 50% of the door.

00:35:56.040 Now we're talking you're making $1,500 a weekend, and you still have your virginity, 1.00

00:36:00.740 depending upon how the night goes and what you're into.

00:36:02.820 Let's hear more, Rob.

00:36:04.660 I think that maybe she's overestimating people's apprehension to that.

00:36:09.260 You know, a few drinks and people are going to do what they're looking to do when they go to bars if she's willing to go out to those types of settings. 1.00

00:36:16.080 Other option if she's, you know, not looking for the one-night stand type thing is put yourself out there in a relationship. 0.99

00:36:22.940 And if you connect with somebody and you end up sharing with them that you're a virgin, they should be happy for you.

00:36:30.140 They should be happy to share that experience with you.

00:36:31.960 And if they're not and they think that it's off-putting, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person.

00:36:37.040 There you go.

00:36:39.040 That's two other beautiful little slices of information cake there from Rob. 0.95

00:36:42.960 So, you know, fill your sweet tongue up with that, with that freaking pastry right there. 1.00

00:36:49.940 Boy, Rob dropping them sweet pastries in a Danielle's ear holes because that's the only thing you can, that's the only holes you can fill on her right now. 0.98

00:36:57.760 Boom, boom.

00:36:58.680 Bad joke.

00:36:59.280 But that's it, Danielle, is like, you know, you could, you know, make it a promotional type of thing at a bar if you're trying to make it exciting.

00:37:07.400 You could, you know, if it's religious-based, then, you know, just keep following your heart there, you know, and talk to, you know, someone you trust in the religious realm if you need that.

00:37:19.220 Or talk to other friends who have the same beliefs and the same level of beliefs that you do, the same practices that you do.

00:37:26.520 And I'm sure they can give you guidance.

00:37:27.820 If you, I mean, you said it's not because you haven't wanted to, but because men hadn't really, you know, tried to get that from you, hadn't tried to get that dug dug out of you, you know, hadn't tried to freaking hunt down that little, you know, that slick-mouthed lobster trap, you know.

00:37:47.860 And if that's the case, then, yeah, it might just be meeting the right guy.

00:37:52.180 You know, you could track somebody down, and if you really wanted to, you could tell them that you're ready to serve that thang up, and somebody would.

00:38:00.200 But it can be dangerous to a man.

00:38:01.500 It can be nerve-wracking, you know.

00:38:03.920 Maybe you could make a special night out of it.

00:38:05.760 Invite a guy over to a nice hotel room, do it your way, you know, that Burger King, that Burger King virginita.

00:38:12.040 But young men will do anything. 0.99

00:38:14.580 That was a good point, Rob.

00:38:15.420 A young man will do anything. 0.94

00:38:16.860 I mean, I remember I used to go party out with some people, and every night I would pee all over this guy, this guy Christopher, who's in prison now.

00:38:22.780 And his day, we would take his dad's car out, and his dad had sunglasses in the back, and I would urinate all.

00:38:28.460 They were samples.

00:38:29.500 His dad sold sunglasses to people around, you know, around the region.

00:38:33.480 You know, he was in that regional optical game.

00:38:36.460 And I would, you know, I'd take a couple hits of weed, and I would urinate all over the glasses in the back of this guy's van.

00:38:42.400 I mean, and we'd go to parties.

00:38:44.040 I wouldn't even go to the party.

00:38:45.640 I would literally stay in the van drinking alcohol and peeing on these boxes of glasses.

00:38:51.380 And the only reason I would do it was because the rest of the week, I wanted to be at school or wherever and picture in my mind a man trying to sell just pee-pee glasses to people, you know, just trying to sell piss specs to people out there, people trying them on, you know, them getting a little bit stuck to people's hair and stuff like that.

00:39:13.240 Like, that's the dark arts was in me.

00:39:14.740 You know, that's the dark arts that infected my ability to think, and, you know, and it was making me behave that way. 0.96

00:39:22.420 And that's what I wanted to do, though.

00:39:24.060 So instead of enjoying the party in the present moment, I would choose to stay in a van and urinate on sale samples just because of the joy it would bring me the rest of the week, picturing people trying on Oakleys, you know, that smell a little bit too strong of vitamin B12, you know.

00:39:41.320 So, but anyhow, that just goes to say young men will do anything.

00:39:44.600 Here's another call from Zach for you, Danielle.

00:39:46.320 Here we go.

00:39:47.040 Theo, what's going on, man?

00:39:48.460 Zach calling from Omaha, Nebraska.

00:39:50.940 I wanted to call and give my opinion to sweet, sweet Danielle, who you put on there, the 25-year-old virgin. 1.00

00:40:00.740 She left out a lot of information, too.

00:40:02.660 What I would say is that if she's going to lose her virginity to a guy that's like 25, you know, her age or older, there's probably going to be some consideration there, at least at first.

00:40:11.900 And then, like you said, though, these guys are going to be thinking about this.

00:40:15.100 It's going to be turning them on.

00:40:16.080 They're going to want to be that first ride, the first one to dig her out, dude. 1.00

00:40:19.920 Yeah, bro, I hear you, dude.

00:40:22.760 You're making me freaking feel squirrely by saying dig her out right there, but we'll keep listening.

00:40:28.460 I mean, I don't mean to sound, you know, crude or whatever toward her, you know.

00:40:33.920 You definitely do.

00:40:35.520 I mean, you sound like a dang grave digger, dude.

00:40:37.660 Dig her out. 0.88

00:40:39.440 I mean, dang, man.

00:40:40.920 She in a coffin hole, bro, you know.

00:40:43.220 I'm just giving you a hard time.

00:40:44.440 Let's hear more, but it was a little bit crude onward.

00:40:46.360 She's a virgin.

00:40:46.940 And I just, I don't know. 1.00

00:40:49.000 If she's not full of shit, then I think that she shouldn't worry at all. 1.00

00:40:54.520 There you go. 1.00

00:40:55.640 I mean, that's the thing.

00:40:56.640 There's been a billion virginities in the world.

00:40:59.000 People have gotten rid of them in different places.

00:41:00.820 And, you know, I mean, I know it's important to you.

00:41:06.600 You know, it's not going to probably change the shape of the universe too much, but it will be something you'll remember.

00:41:11.780 You know, I mean, I remember, you know, I lost my virginity behind a bowling alley.

00:41:16.300 You know, and people were throwing rocks at me the whole time while I was trying to have sex.

00:41:19.600 And that's very, you know, that's very Middle Eastern, if you will. 0.95

00:41:25.080 And it's hard to keep an erection up with that kind of stuff going on. 0.90

00:41:28.140 And so, you know, we all have a memory. 0.88

00:41:30.600 We all have something that happens.

00:41:31.720 I was in Charleston, South Carolina, and I made love to some gal.

00:41:34.640 And it was her first time.

00:41:36.840 You know, and I still think about some time about her.

00:41:40.880 You know, she had, you know, she was a pretty girl. 0.99

00:41:42.440 She had curly hair.

00:41:43.740 Sometimes I still think about her.

00:41:45.040 You know, I'm wondering where she's at, if she ever thinks about, you know, that moment in time, you know, that I was the first experience.

00:41:51.740 And it probably wasn't even that good either.

00:41:53.120 But that's the thing.

00:41:54.900 If there's dudes that aren't that good at sex, this is a great opportunity for them.

00:42:00.000 All right, let's move along. 0.77

00:42:01.460 Here we go.

00:42:01.940 This was Matt called in on 12-21.

00:42:04.500 He had a food addiction.

00:42:06.400 We gave some, you know, some suggestions to him last episode.

00:42:11.380 And then he called back.

00:42:12.760 This was Matt's call that just came in on the hotline.

00:42:15.920 Here we go.

00:42:16.780 Hey, Theo.

00:42:17.620 This is Matt from Cleveland.

00:42:19.660 Fat Matt, as you so eloquently put it.

00:42:23.080 And, you know, I listened back to that, Matt, and I want to apologize for calling you Fat Matt.

00:42:28.080 It just, I was just trying to make a point that we all have some name.

00:42:33.180 You know, we all have, you know, Blind Ryan, you know, or Deaf Jeff, if you're deaf. 0.97

00:42:41.500 And if your name's Jeff, and if you're even saying that to Jeff, he fucking doesn't care.

00:42:46.560 You know, or, you know, Bent Clint, you know, if somebody that has scoliosis and their name's Clint. 0.96

00:42:54.700 We actually had a boy named Clint in our class, and people called him Clint Torres.

00:43:00.060 You know, and so everybody has something with their name.

00:43:02.540 So I just, that was the correlation I was trying to make.

00:43:04.800 I was actually trying to relate to you.

00:43:05.900 I think I did it in a bad way by calling you Fat Matt.

00:43:09.760 Here we go.

00:43:11.020 Appreciate you taking some calls from me. 0.99

00:43:12.880 I do not like being called a pussy-ass bitch, but, you know, sometimes you do need to hear that. 0.99

00:43:18.000 So, yeah. 0.99

00:43:20.080 Yeah, I'm sorry about that part.

00:43:21.580 You know, I was just, you know, it was the new year.

00:43:23.860 I was feeling fired up.

00:43:25.260 And, you know, some of the calls, I mean, you know, I have an assistant now that's helping put these through.

00:43:29.440 So I hear them for the first time, and I thought that that was out of line. 0.99

00:43:32.340 But then sometimes we got to hear that shit. 0.99

00:43:34.500 Sometimes we don't want to hear the truth out here in the world. 0.99

00:43:37.280 And, you know, and I know it's not my job to decide what the truth is for you, but I was just giving you the different options that came in.

00:43:45.040 Let's hear more, Matt.

00:43:46.380 I'm going to start walking like the guy suggested.

00:43:50.020 Try to get into some plain water, do my thing.

00:43:53.880 Now that plain water, you set yourself up there by saying you didn't like plain water.

00:43:58.480 Dude, you got to have water.

00:44:00.540 Because the earth is 98% water, dude.

00:44:05.300 So you can't be associated with something that you're not willing to take into yourself.

00:44:09.960 So you need to get out there and get that H2O in your brother more.

00:44:12.800 I don't think I sound fat, by the way.

00:44:15.040 I agree.

00:44:15.560 You don't sound fat at all, dude.

00:44:17.600 You sound trim, you know.

00:44:19.900 And we all have something, dude, you know.

00:44:22.760 I got to, you know, I have the base, I have the foundation, the hip structure of a Down syndrome child.

00:44:28.480 And that's not bad.

00:44:29.560 It doesn't make them bad people.

00:44:30.580 It doesn't make me a bad person.

00:44:32.420 You know, you might be bigger now and you might be smaller later.

00:44:35.820 You know, I was real skinny growing up and everybody called me Mexican all the time because I had tanned skin. 1.00

00:44:40.920 Because people were idiots. 1.00

00:44:42.740 Let's hear more. 1.00

00:44:43.820 I think it sounds sick.

00:44:45.020 Regardless, I appreciate it.

00:44:47.220 Yeah, I'm going to check in on a few months and let you know how everything's going.

00:44:50.860 You know, get into some plain water and some get hungry instead of crazy.

00:44:54.780 So, there we go.

00:44:55.980 That's plain water Matt, baby.

00:44:57.620 That's plain water Matt right there.

00:44:59.360 And look, man, I love it.

00:45:00.260 If you want to send a picture in, you can text it into the hotline number, 985-664-9503, Matt.

00:45:06.100 And yeah, we'll check in with you, man.

00:45:08.540 We'll check.

00:45:08.940 I'm trying to get back into some physical fitness myself.

00:45:10.840 So, you saying that right there inspires me to say, look, if I can sit here and put on a hotline that some guy, you know, talking about some man that needs to lose weight,

00:45:21.080 at least that I can do is to get out there and go for a run for myself and help my own veins and arteries feel a little bit better.

00:45:27.340 So, I wish you well and we'll check back in with you, Matt.

00:45:31.880 All right, let's keep the calls moving here. 0.59

00:45:33.400 We got another couple of calls that came in.

00:45:36.400 But first, I want to read this to you guys.

00:45:39.140 Yes, you know a fresh new year has begun.

00:45:42.760 And if you're setting new goals for your business, it's extremely difficult to reach them without the right people on your team.

00:45:51.640 Well, ZipRecruiter has transformed how you go about finding those people.

00:45:57.460 That's the truth.

00:45:59.000 If you need a great talent for your business, but you're short on time, you don't have to get lost in a huge stack of resumes to find your perfect hire.

00:46:05.400 That stack of resumes is waiting out there electronically.

00:46:08.460 And you just need smarter tools to reach them.

00:46:11.620 Those tools, ZipRecruiter has.

00:46:14.380 ZipRecruiter posts your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards with just one click.

00:46:20.300 So, if you're applying for a job or you're looking for a hire, go to ZipRecruiter.

00:46:25.460 ZipRecruiter.com.

00:46:27.500 Unlike other hiring sites, it doesn't depend on the right candidates finding you.

00:46:31.120 It finds them.

00:46:32.560 No wonder 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day.

00:46:39.260 So, if you need your yard raked, you need your taxes done, you need somebody to make love to your wife, that might be a stretch, but I bet if you ask nicely, ZipRecruiter has not only people who can do your position, literally, but people who can do the position the best.

00:46:58.400 Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW.

00:47:04.160 That's right, ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW.

00:47:10.400 You can post jobs for free.

00:47:12.300 That's right, for free.

00:47:13.620 So, try it out.

00:47:14.520 That's all you're going to do.

00:47:15.780 You're going to go to ZipRecruiter.com and post jobs for free.

00:47:20.740 ZipRecruiter.com slash TPW and post jobs for free.

00:47:25.300 All right, we got a call right here.

00:47:28.480 I want to crack into this one.

00:47:29.820 Here we go.

00:47:30.680 Yo, what's good, Theo?

00:47:32.100 This is Jackson Southern, you know, North Cackalackie.

00:47:37.300 Jackson, thanks for calling, man, from North Carolina.

00:47:40.640 I'm calling because I got, right now, on the 29th of December, I have five minutes sober.

00:47:47.420 And, I mean, I've been getting high since I was, like, I mean, high on pills.

00:47:50.980 I started smoking at 11.

00:47:52.180 Like, I started getting high at 14.

00:47:53.960 Hey, man, congratulations on five months.

00:47:56.840 If that was December 29th, then you are tomorrow or in two days, you'll be at five months in a week.

00:48:04.540 So, congratulations, man.

00:48:05.560 I know that's a real battle.

00:48:06.700 Onward.

00:48:07.560 Started using a needle, 17.

00:48:10.860 You know, I lost my best friend and I got my first taste of real sobriety, you know, longer than a week or so this past year.

00:48:19.240 And, like I said, it'll be five months in the 29th.

00:48:21.800 Man, that's awesome, man.

00:48:25.040 Man, that scares me just to hear you say that using a needle.

00:48:27.900 That's scary, bro.

00:48:29.320 You know, I can't, you know, I never had that experience.

00:48:34.580 So, I don't know what that's like.

00:48:38.660 But, I know what it's like to want to do things to yourself that are harmful, but they feel good.

00:48:53.800 You know, I know what that's like.

00:48:55.260 I know what it's like to harm yourself, but it feels good to make yourself feel at all.

00:49:06.020 You know, and I don't know if that makes 100% of sense, but in my mind and in my heart it does that I know what it's like to, you know, to do bad things to yourself.

00:49:14.560 Yeah, just to be in that hole where the way that you, you know, because you're in a world, for me anyway, you know, I just didn't care about myself enough to do good things to myself.

00:49:31.140 Because I just, somewhere inside of me, felt like I didn't deserve those things.

00:49:36.940 So, but yeah, man, that scares me when I see that.

00:49:39.320 I mean, there's, you know, when I see those intervention shows and I see people with that support, I just can't watch that stuff because of that.

00:49:45.580 But I appreciate you being brave enough to tell us about that onward.

00:49:48.940 Yeah, basically, man, I don't know. 0.99

00:49:52.080 Life just gets boring as fuck. 0.98

00:49:53.540 It's like, I don't know what to do now. 0.99

00:49:55.140 Like, drugs always fill my fun time. 0.96

00:49:56.540 And I know going back to them ain't going to make shit fun at all. 0.95

00:50:00.940 I know I just find it easy to fall into this hole. 0.94

00:50:02.680 I found this girl.

00:50:03.980 I know they say not to get in a relationship, but I think I'm in love.

00:50:08.120 I don't know if I'm feeling the void of that.

00:50:10.740 I don't know.

00:50:11.700 But the thing is, she's long distance, man, and I'm crazy over it.

00:50:15.920 And it's hard to make it work living across the country right now.

00:50:19.560 But, I mean, I'd rather have her than any girl that I could have here.

00:50:23.380 But it's like I have a hard time trusting, and I'm real jealous and real needy.

00:50:27.860 And it's just, I don't know if it's controlling me.

00:50:29.760 I don't know if it's part of my addiction.

00:50:31.740 I don't know.

00:50:33.540 I don't know, man.

00:50:34.520 It's so funny when you say, I don't know, man.

00:50:36.060 You sound like me.

00:50:38.320 You sound like me sometimes.

00:50:41.200 It's almost like hearing myself in certain relationships and certain conversations I've been in with people.

00:50:46.800 You know, especially with girls.

00:50:49.660 Look, man, I'm proud of you.

00:50:50.820 You know, I think 12-step programs, I don't care if you don't have anything going on in your life.

00:50:54.260 We can all always find ways to make our life healthier.

00:50:58.900 And it's amazing, man.

00:51:01.220 It's amazing what can happen in there.

00:51:03.020 Now, that long distance, dude, I'll tell you this.

00:51:05.420 You know, even in my past year, I felt like I, you know, met a girl and at times put that in front of getting a good foundation in my sobriety and stuff like that.

00:51:19.000 So, you know, I use some of that term loosely, my sobriety.

00:51:22.200 I mean, everybody has their own walk with it.

00:51:24.340 You know, I don't know if I'll always be this way.

00:51:27.420 You know, I don't know.

00:51:29.060 But for now, I just know that I didn't really, I didn't lay the groundwork as well as I should have.

00:51:33.380 And so then when relationships get tough, I don't have a foundation to fall back on.

00:51:40.060 And so that's scary.

00:51:42.020 So, it's okay.

00:51:44.220 I feel like if you want to put a girl up with your, you know, with the work you're doing, but you got to do that work, man.

00:51:50.220 You know, and I'm saying that because I need to hear it.

00:51:52.640 Because, you know, I've been in this thing a year and a half and I'm still, you know, haven't gone all the way through the steps.

00:51:57.660 So, you know, there's just, just be careful.

00:52:00.780 You know, be careful because it seemed like, you know, you can still be learning how to live and you don't have all the tools.

00:52:08.140 And then you take on a responsibility like love.

00:52:10.700 And that can be a big responsibility for somebody that, you know, that doesn't, you know, have arms yet.

00:52:18.760 You know, so keep your head up, man.

00:52:21.300 I love you, bro.

00:52:22.380 You know, I'm proud of you.

00:52:23.700 You calling and me hearing that from you, it made me feel, you know, it made me feel alive.

00:52:30.100 Which is crazy because that's probably something that drugs used to do for you.

00:52:33.520 But now, it's like the drug that I think a lot of these programs get you hooked on is just the heaviness of other people's lives and the realities of other people's lives.

00:52:48.620 And anyhow, happy to be on board with you, bud.

00:52:52.540 Happy to have you on the show and thank you very much for calling.

00:52:57.600 What else?

00:52:58.180 We got a couple of other things that happened, but I'm going to shut it down for today, guys.

00:53:02.520 This has been a good episode, I feel like.

00:53:05.140 We'll be back on Monday.

00:53:07.800 What else?

00:53:08.620 We got the dates.

00:53:09.480 We let all those out.

00:53:11.440 Gray Block Pizza, as always.

00:53:13.980 We just, they had somebody hit up Gray Block and comment on their, we had somebody hit up Gray Block and comment on their Yelp page that they heard about them here.

00:53:25.060 And that was awesome, man.

00:53:26.220 That made me feel really, really cool.

00:53:27.880 They got that salad pizza, bro.

00:53:29.400 They got it all.

00:53:31.540 But that's it, man.

00:53:32.780 We'll catch you guys next time.

00:53:35.400 Matt, you know, I appreciate your call.

00:53:38.840 Zach, thank you for calling in for the advice.

00:53:40.760 Rob, all the advice for Danielle.

00:53:43.360 That Denny's, that shoot him up bang bang boy.

00:53:46.480 That pop pop breakfast, dude. 1.00

00:53:49.180 That syrup has a fucking, a sulfur-y aftertaste, doesn't it? 0.99

00:53:54.500 Because that's that gun play. 1.00

00:53:56.240 That's that gun play out in the lot, boo-boo.

00:53:58.460 So you stay active, man.

00:54:01.380 You stay active.

00:54:03.220 That's what we're doing out here.

00:54:05.020 That's what we're doing out here in this world.

00:54:09.680 Thank you guys for being a part of this past weekend.

00:54:14.200 See you on Monday.

00:54:15.300 That's Jesse Lucero taking us out.

00:54:18.140 Thank you, Corey, for being here today to guide us.

00:54:22.320 Thank you, Patreon, taking us to that next level here.

00:54:25.480 We got some nice cameras.

00:54:26.480 We're looking clean.

00:54:28.280 We got the new hotline.

00:54:30.860 We're going to be able to talk to people.

00:54:34.380 Man, what can happen?

00:54:37.440 What can happen?

00:54:38.580 Anything can happen.

00:54:40.540 We're working together out here in this new year.

00:54:44.320 Also, if you've got a New Year's resolution that you've been keeping on this heavy with you that's a real one, 0.99

00:54:48.600 some real shit, let us know. 0.99

00:54:52.060 That's a Jesse Lucero right there. 1.00

00:54:54.220 Thank you for that hit, Jesse.

00:54:56.820 We'll see you guys next time.

00:54:58.160 Be good to yourselves.

00:55:03.200 You probably deserve it.

00:55:22.560 Okay.

00:55:28.160 Cool.

00:55:45.200 I wonder if that call was interesting from the guy.

00:55:50.000 We didn't catch the first 10.

00:55:52.080 It was interesting.

00:55:52.700 Wow.

00:55:59.780 Wow.

00:56:07.200 Wow.

00:56:08.020 Wow.

00:56:08.820 Wow.

00:56:09.320 Wow.

00:56:09.720 Wow.

00:56:10.080 Wow.

00:56:11.120 Wow.

00:56:12.120 Wow.

00:56:13.620 Wow.

00:56:13.920 Wow.

00:56:14.240 Wow.

00:56:18.640 Wow.

00:56:22.700 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be

00:56:41.500 sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your

00:56:46.640 partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as

00:56:53.480 always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are

00:57:00.340 talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else 0.99

00:57:06.120 so great hi sweetheart easy deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker 0.95

00:57:14.440 i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club 0.77

00:57:30.400 second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you

00:57:37.180 listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get

00:57:43.360 better

00:57:43.700 better

00:57:43.720 better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 04, 2018

Denny's Shooter Call-In ｜ This Past Weekend #64

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