This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 25, 2026


#685 - Joey Diaz

Hosted by
Guests
Mentioned
#684 - Bad Haircut

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours

Words per minute

211.98

Word count

25,472

Sentence count

1,724

Harmful content

Misogyny

215

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,000

sentences flagged

Hate speech

321

sentences flagged


Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 he's a legendary comedian podcaster and friend you know him from the church of what's happening
00:00:06.540 now he's going to be popping up in austin more too it looks like i had a great time catching up
00:00:12.920 with the great joey coco diaz
00:00:17.420 Good to see you.
00:00:33.860 What'd you end up doing last night?
00:00:36.560 Did you go to watch Burr?
00:00:38.740 No, I didn't.
00:00:39.520 Some guy freaking had a stroke over there in the audience or whatever. 0.99
00:00:43.180 Some guy who fucking couldn't hold it or whatever had a heart attack. 0.99
00:00:46.480 and then 0.99
00:00:47.660 and they had to start the show an hour late so I was
00:00:50.480 going to stop over there because I'm staying right over by
00:00:52.520 Gotham Comedy Club on
00:00:54.300 23rd, 22nd, 23rd. I want you in town
00:00:56.420 till Monday. I'm going to go to
00:00:58.500 the US Open. Okay. I've never
00:01:00.440 been before. It's a blast. You've been?
00:01:03.040 No, because I don't want to sit there going like this.
00:01:04.780 Yeah.
00:01:07.440 But if the cops come
00:01:08.500 that's my answer. It's a great time.
00:01:10.480 It's good to go up there. A lot of bitches. 1.00
00:01:12.860 Really? A lot of bitches looking for 1.00
00:01:14.300 fucking husbands because one of my friends 1.00
00:01:16.460 set me up it's gonna go on over u.s husband u.s open wish me luck to find the husband so oh yeah 0.99
00:01:22.960 so yeah so i'm excited about that but um dude i was i was walking on here dude i saw this somebody
00:01:27.560 drew a tony hinchcliffe on a building here do you see that no here in asbury asbury's is what 0.84
00:01:32.120 this called yeah asbury park asbury park is that it look at that shit is that tony hinchcliffe for 0.95
00:01:37.080 sure i don't think so oh that's him for sure that's got to be him dude do you know uh you 0.96
00:01:46.300 Do you know Bam Bam Bigelow is from here?
00:01:48.520 Bam Bam, the wrestler.
00:01:49.800 Yeah.
00:01:50.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:01:50.740 Somebody's from here.
00:01:51.460 Did you ever meet him?
00:01:52.280 No.
00:01:53.080 Oh.
00:01:53.440 No.
00:01:53.960 Yeah, that's him right there.
00:01:55.500 That guy's from here.
00:01:56.300 I had no idea.
00:01:56.860 Wow.
00:01:57.180 And he's older than I am.
00:01:59.240 That guy.
00:02:01.240 He dead?
00:02:04.020 Oh. 1.00
00:02:04.900 He could have fucking faked it. 1.00
00:02:06.240 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:02:08.060 His name was Scott. 1.00
00:02:08.980 That's a tough career being a wrestler, guys.
00:02:11.320 Yeah.
00:02:12.440 Because imagine, it's basically like being a comedian.
00:02:14.420 But when you get there, you got to fight something.
00:02:17.780 Like, imagine you get on stage and you got to fight somebody for a half hour.
00:02:21.260 I'm not even worried about it.
00:02:22.200 I'm worried about getting there.
00:02:23.280 And I'm like, oh, tonight you're bombing.
00:02:24.780 Yeah.
00:02:26.100 Yeah.
00:02:27.280 Yeah, I don't know.
00:02:27.980 Tonight you're bombing and somebody's going to throw a chair on you.
00:02:30.620 Okay. 0.93
00:02:31.440 I feel better about myself.
00:02:34.300 That's true, dude. 1.00
00:02:35.960 Fuck, bro. 1.00
00:02:37.120 Yeah, a lot of my friends are at Burning Man actually this week, man. 1.00
00:02:40.380 Did you ever go? 1.00
00:02:41.420 Are you fucking crazy? 1.00
00:02:42.480 You don't go to that deal. 1.00
00:02:44.420 Don't get involved in that. 1.00
00:02:45.700 That's upply people and all that pussy skanking. 1.00
00:02:49.980 You think? 1.00
00:02:50.660 Four or five days without washing it, putting it in a hole, not eating right,
00:02:54.780 no vitamins, out in the desert with sand crawling in your uterus. 0.90
00:02:58.180 That ain't no good for your snatch, dog. 1.00
00:03:01.520 Dirty, filthy white chicks. 1.00
00:03:03.180 Those are filthy white chicks, bro. 1.00
00:03:05.240 20 years ago, I'd be over there eating ass and getting my dick sucked, 1.00
00:03:08.200 but now I'm too old. 1.00
00:03:09.540 One of those diseases catches you around, you end up with Lyme disease 1.00
00:03:12.740 or something going to fucking bitches up there. 1.00
00:03:14.780 Oh, dude, I'll get, bro, 1.00
00:03:16.460 I'll get Lyme disease in my lungs, dude, 0.98
00:03:18.240 some of the shit I'm into, you know? 1.00
00:03:19.300 Those people are crazy. 1.00
00:03:20.340 They're six in the morning out there. 1.00
00:03:22.160 Damn, what are we, there's a war going on. 0.99
00:03:24.400 You want to dance in the desert? 1.00
00:03:25.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:03:26.200 Come on, bro. 1.00
00:03:27.660 Fucking, how lost are you? 1.00
00:03:30.200 Somebody will have an anthill in their ass out there, dude. 1.00
00:03:32.380 It's a lot, bro. 0.99
00:03:33.680 You get the dust on it,
00:03:34.660 and you'll see, like, one of those, 1.00
00:03:35.820 like, a woman will have an IUD in,
00:03:37.700 but it's, like, a dream catcher version or whatever. 1.00
00:03:39.620 It's, like, they got some wild shit out there. 1.00
00:03:40.860 Yeah, they got shit to catch a bore. 1.00
00:03:42.260 and they're snatching, but the boy wants to go 1.00
00:03:44.500 and he fucking stops it. 0.88
00:03:46.620 No, you don't ever want to go to that. 0.98
00:03:48.740 If you're trying to maintain a... 0.97
00:03:50.300 They'll have a Falcon doing tarot cards and shit. 0.99
00:03:52.520 They got people on all kinds of shit out there. 1.00
00:03:54.640 And they're all rich. 1.00
00:03:56.220 They're all rich. They're all trust funders.
00:03:58.520 Don't believe the hype.
00:04:00.100 It's like going to a fancy club, but they move it out to the desert.
00:04:02.680 That's what it is.
00:04:03.980 For the regular junkie that's out there who took his bike 0.98
00:04:06.520 out there, who drove a freaking road 0.65
00:04:08.280 200 miles from Laughlin to get over there 1.00
00:04:10.460 or something that motherfucker is gonna have a tough time i think you know they'll have a 0.99
00:04:16.100 caterpillar out there like uh you know like doing a ouija board and shit they got all kind of taping 1.00
00:04:20.940 huh are we taping yeah can we i didn't know i thought you're gonna welcome me oh shit for 0.98
00:04:27.080 sure no i'll bring it but yeah dude it's fucking it's a lot out there man it's a lot yeah dude i 0.97
00:04:32.860 had one chance to go but it was like my my my neighbor went and he was like they had uh diddy 0.96
00:04:38.660 was out there and i think um who else was out there like it was like fat joe maybe i think they
00:04:45.820 said just people out there in the desert michael straight yeah but they're in the desert they got 0.97
00:04:50.540 fucking a van that picks them up and they get cooled off and shit that's a big difference yeah 0.99
00:04:56.100 yeah they got an inuit out there blowing cool cool air on their back and shit yeah they got 1.00
00:05:01.840 they hooked up hooked up like a motherfucker it's different man it's not for me i don't want to be 1.00
00:05:06.140 I got there with sand and no showers. 1.00
00:05:08.480 I'm anti-anything where I can't wash my ass. 0.99
00:05:11.960 You understand me? 0.99
00:05:13.020 Like for years, I wouldn't go camping because, listen,
00:05:16.000 when I wake up in the morning, I got odors, you know,
00:05:18.220 and I don't want them lasting all day. 1.00
00:05:20.000 You wake up with a stinky ass, and when you put shorts on and go back out, 1.00
00:05:23.280 it just compounds. 1.00
00:05:24.320 Yeah.
00:05:24.980 It just compounds.
00:05:26.020 So I've never been into places without showers.
00:05:29.200 Yeah.
00:05:29.520 I got to take it.
00:05:30.080 And then I met a girl, and we used to go camping,
00:05:32.340 but she would take me to those, you know, little places where it's a
00:05:36.100 cheat camp if you don't want to take a shower you can bathe in the lake but they got two showers 1.00
00:05:40.420 over there oh right there i'm in yeah i don't mind cooking outside i don't mind fucking her outside 0.99
00:05:46.180 i didn't mind any of that i just need a shower yeah brush my teeth you know i don't like it if 0.97
00:05:51.720 somebody sneaks off they're like i'm gonna go for a little walk or something but you know that 0.59
00:05:54.760 they're going to shit somewhere or something like you can't really hide like you know somebody's 0.99
00:05:58.900 like i'm gonna go over here and look at something but you know that they're shitting or whatever 1.00
00:06:01.840 Listen, I know once a year I'm going to shit somewhere. 0.99
00:06:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:06:04.560 Once a year, every year I have to shit once outside. 0.99
00:06:09.080 Yeah. 1.00
00:06:09.440 You're not going to make it as a human being. 1.00
00:06:11.480 Maybe you do, but there's nights where, you know, I want to shit on a toilet. 1.00
00:06:16.100 Yeah. 0.98
00:06:17.040 You know what I'm saying?
00:06:17.520 I don't mind pulling it off one night. 1.00
00:06:19.080 We've got to shit in a hurry. 1.00
00:06:20.420 Yeah. 0.99
00:06:20.760 But again, I'm a toilet type of dude.
00:06:22.900 You know what I'm saying?
00:06:23.480 I'm a little spoiled.
00:06:24.560 Yeah, I'm a little spoiled.
00:06:25.820 I grew up poor, but I'm a little spoiled.
00:06:27.960 Yeah, I'm a little spoiled, bro.
00:06:30.020 That's where I am.
00:06:30.960 Dude, we're in your home area, bro, Asbury Park.
00:06:33.560 Yes, we are, brother.
00:06:34.740 Wow, it's awesome.
00:06:35.700 Yeah, I grew up two hours from here.
00:06:37.780 Oh, you did?
00:06:38.420 Yeah, but I would come down to the concerts.
00:06:40.760 They have a great, they used to have,
00:06:42.140 or maybe they still do the Asbury Park Convention Center.
00:06:45.560 And we were kids, the same people who played the garden,
00:06:48.480 played that, Leonard Skinner.
00:06:49.800 It's on YouTube. 0.99
00:06:50.780 Leonard Skinner tore up this motherfucker in 77. 0.98
00:06:53.840 You know, I came down here to see it. 0.98
00:06:55.120 In 1981, I came down here to see Iron Maiden
00:06:59.480 opening up for Judas Priest.
00:07:01.240 Wow.
00:07:01.840 I came to another concert down here,
00:07:03.580 and I think I came down here to a basketball camp.
00:07:06.020 So I didn't really, I wasn't in this area growing up. 0.98
00:07:08.920 I'm more in North Jersey and shit. 0.97
00:07:10.900 Yeah, look at them. 1.00
00:07:12.180 They fucking ripped it apart in this bitch. 1.00
00:07:15.200 Wow. 1.00
00:07:16.460 That's amazing.
00:07:17.600 Was that the first concert you ever went to?
00:07:19.640 No.
00:07:20.240 No, I had gone to concerts for like four years prior to that.
00:07:25.080 I was maybe 17 when they threw the ball out of us,
00:07:27.720 and I was like, all right.
00:07:29.200 Yeah.
00:07:29.660 I'm good.
00:07:30.400 When they threw the bottle at you?
00:07:31.440 Oh.
00:07:31.720 Yeah, we got out of the car.
00:07:32.880 We weren't even out of the car.
00:07:34.260 I'm telling you. 0.99
00:07:34.880 We fucking got hit with a bottle. 1.00
00:07:36.800 Some guy just threw a fucking beer bottle at us. 1.00
00:07:39.540 We got out. 0.99
00:07:40.200 We turned around.
00:07:41.440 It was 10 brothers with no shirts on.
00:07:43.300 I told you earlier. 1.00
00:07:44.480 And I'm like, fuck Judas Priest. 1.00
00:07:46.500 We'll park on the other side. 1.00
00:07:47.740 You know what I'm saying?
00:07:48.420 Yeah.
00:07:49.040 Guess who else was at that concert?
00:07:51.380 Jimmy Florentine.
00:07:52.440 Not knowing.
00:07:53.600 I heard him on his radio show when he was talking about that show. 1.00
00:07:56.740 because those motherfuckers used to throw smoke bombs at concerts. 0.99
00:08:01.300 And I heard him talking about it. 1.00
00:08:03.260 I'm like, I still remember that, being a kid
00:08:05.580 and having to cover your eyes because of the smoke bombs. 0.99
00:08:08.320 He was the motherfucker doing the smoke bombs, 0.99
00:08:10.680 and they threw him up, and his mother had to pick him up. 1.00
00:08:13.460 He tells the whole fucking story. 0.99
00:08:16.080 He's a legend, dude. 1.00
00:08:17.800 Oh, that's great, bro.
00:08:18.880 I used to have such a good time with him on Opie and Jim back in the day, man.
00:08:24.140 Jim Florentine, he's the best, dude.
00:08:25.700 He's my neighbor.
00:08:27.060 Is he?
00:08:27.700 Two doors down.
00:08:28.580 How do you think I ended up here?
00:08:29.920 I called him and his sister-in-law sold me the house.
00:08:32.740 Oh, nice.
00:08:33.640 He's got a great family.
00:08:34.920 Does he? 1.00
00:08:35.480 I call him the Florentine crime family. 1.00
00:08:37.800 Yeah. 1.00
00:08:38.340 They don't stop.
00:08:39.800 They do a party every 10 days, something.
00:08:43.180 The family's so big, they take concerts.
00:08:46.340 They go to Miami Dolphin games.
00:08:48.280 They'll take 40 people with family.
00:08:50.060 Wow.
00:08:50.560 They'll spend the whole weekend down there.
00:08:52.100 Yeah.
00:08:52.680 You know what I'm saying?
00:08:53.240 It's not bad.
00:08:53.920 It ain't for me, because I work weekends.
00:08:55.840 I got my daughter, but that's a great— 0.99
00:08:57.900 I mean, my daughter plays softball on the weekends, so I'm fucked. 0.99
00:09:01.520 Yeah, that's a great life over there. 0.98
00:09:04.340 Yeah, dude, I love Jersey, man.
00:09:06.280 Jersey has some of the most entertaining women I've ever been around in my life, man. 0.97
00:09:09.960 Yeah, they'll fucking talk a year off. 1.00
00:09:11.600 Oh, yeah, dude, yeah, and you got to put them on a phone book. 0.77
00:09:14.480 And they're interesting.
00:09:15.440 They're interesting to an extent.
00:09:17.880 But I like—I was always—I always wanted to raise my daughter here.
00:09:21.580 There was something about North Jersey that I learned a lot of lessons up there.
00:09:27.100 Yeah.
00:09:27.520 And I wanted her to at least, those lessons are all done today.
00:09:30.960 But I wanted her at least to feel what I felt.
00:09:33.840 In a way, to a degree, she'll never, you know, feel the shittiness I felt.
00:09:39.020 But that was part of when I left L.A., it was, I knew I was leaving L.A.
00:09:44.920 That's what people never understood.
00:09:46.420 I was planning it.
00:09:47.420 Yeah.
00:09:47.780 Before the pandemic, we were coming down here.
00:09:49.680 April 4th
00:09:51.760 to buy a house. I was coming in March
00:09:53.600 and then we were coming back together
00:09:55.780 as a family in April. We were going to
00:09:57.740 buy the house, finish up the school year
00:09:59.600 and then move here that August.
00:10:01.800 The pandemic just rushed it up
00:10:03.500 and lit a fire under my, you know, 0.99
00:10:05.580 it broke my heart to fucking 0.98
00:10:06.840 leave, but it was time 0.98
00:10:09.760 I had already, you know, I felt
00:10:11.840 that I had gotten the most I did out of LA.
00:10:14.080 I'm 57. What else could
00:10:15.800 possibly happen? You know,
00:10:17.660 more happened than I anticipated.
00:10:19.680 So I'm just going to take my winnings and leave.
00:10:21.980 Yeah.
00:10:22.640 Wipe back it and start getting cocky. 1.00
00:10:24.380 Let's shoot a pilot. 1.00
00:10:25.360 Let's drop 400. 1.00
00:10:26.560 Get the fuck out of here. 0.96
00:10:28.500 So that was my decision in moving here. 0.98
00:10:31.240 Yeah.
00:10:32.100 I think it's a beautiful place out here, man.
00:10:34.860 I love even just driving over to here, bro.
00:10:37.060 It's nice.
00:10:38.180 Like, we went through, like, countryside and stuff.
00:10:40.040 Yeah, oh, yeah.
00:10:40.380 Like, there's a river right out of here.
00:10:42.220 Yeah.
00:10:42.560 Oh, there's rivers everywhere.
00:10:43.600 Listen, I live in central Jersey, which this is considered that on the borderline.
00:10:48.000 So I got foxes in my backyard.
00:10:51.500 I got raccoons. 1.00
00:10:52.540 I got fucking deer. 0.99
00:10:54.120 I got, you know, and it's, this is why I like it. 0.99
00:10:57.420 At this age for me, no.
00:10:59.220 But if I would have came here when I was 42, for example,
00:11:02.320 you buy a house in central Jersey and you just go, you know what?
00:11:07.300 I'm going into the city on Tuesday.
00:11:09.000 I'm going to do four spots.
00:11:10.460 Because anything after four spots, it's a law diminishing returns.
00:11:13.460 I agree.
00:11:13.900 Two, three, four spots and get out of here early.
00:11:17.240 And I'll tell you what, how I got introduced to this area down here was one of my brothers lives in Morganville, which is 10 minutes from where I live now.
00:11:25.420 Really? 0.98
00:11:25.660 One of the gangsters I grew up with, like his family took me in and shit. 0.99
00:11:28.860 He lived here, and I would come and stay with him. 0.98
00:11:31.720 So part of the deal was I helped him with his fish company, and he'd pay me.
00:11:35.760 I would help him.
00:11:36.760 And it was unreal how we would get in the car at 4 in the morning, shoot into Manhattan.
00:11:41.440 I'm a comic.
00:11:42.320 I'm a feature slash headliner.
00:11:44.200 But when I come to Jersey, I would stay with him.
00:11:46.520 I would do like three or four weeks.
00:11:48.420 Instead of having to go back and forth, I would do like three or four weeks,
00:11:51.700 rascals in those days, bananas, maybe something else.
00:11:55.160 And I would deliver fish with him in the mornings,
00:11:57.500 help him pick up the fish at the Fulton Fish Market. 0.99
00:11:59.960 That was a fucking adventure. 0.99
00:12:01.480 Really? 0.99
00:12:02.000 Yeah, because I would go to get fish.
00:12:03.180 I'd come back home with an eight ball.
00:12:04.360 It was great.
00:12:05.200 Four in the morning, I'm walking around with an eight ball.
00:12:06.780 I got a discount price for $180 at the Fulton Fish Market.
00:12:10.180 I had everything there.
00:12:11.820 You got a long trout in your nose.
00:12:13.240 You know how many times I pulled out of Fulton Fish Market? 1.00
00:12:15.780 and there were hookers there. 1.00
00:12:16.920 Wow. 0.99
00:12:17.400 It's four in the morning.
00:12:18.220 You're going to get fish.
00:12:18.980 Five in the morning, that's when the party starts.
00:12:21.300 They're over there.
00:12:21.980 They're looking for guys that have a lot of protein in them, 1.00
00:12:24.140 so they like those fucking fish dudes. 1.00
00:12:26.460 There were hookers there. 1.00
00:12:27.820 We'd deliver five, six deliveries. 0.68
00:12:29.740 We'd be done by 10, 30, 11, and by 12 o'clock,
00:12:34.400 after a 45-minute drive, I just went from people
00:12:38.760 cutting each other off, bike guys flying through the air, 1.00
00:12:42.060 double parking, hey, fuck you, to this serene lifestyle. 1.00
00:12:45.780 Yeah. 1.00
00:12:46.220 Let me tell you how cool it was, the setup he had.
00:12:50.080 You walk through his backyard with your fish clothes on,
00:12:53.020 and you just rip yourself naked, and you jump in the shower,
00:12:57.120 wash the fish off, and we go right in the pool.
00:13:00.260 So I go talk to his mother while he was doing his ritual,
00:13:02.840 and then I do the same ritual, jump in the pool.
00:13:05.140 Then his father would clean off the fish and start grilling fish in the afternoon. 0.99
00:13:09.500 By 3 o'clock, I'd be in fucking heaven, getting vitamin D, fish. 0.98
00:13:14.120 I got an A ball I picked up at 4 in the morning. 0.99
00:13:18.940 So I enjoyed that.
00:13:20.360 I liked that one minute I was in the city,
00:13:24.480 and the next minute I was in,
00:13:26.780 that's like if you live in L.A. and Hollywood,
00:13:28.760 but you live in Calabasas.
00:13:30.060 It's a hike of a ride.
00:13:31.560 You're not going to do it every day,
00:13:32.680 but when you do it, you strike.
00:13:34.220 But that's when you see the beauty.
00:13:35.840 You go from being at the store, chaos,
00:13:37.860 who stole a joke, who did this. 0.99
00:13:40.360 Yeah, who's a f***er or whatever. 0.96
00:13:41.860 Yeah, an off-screen. 1.00
00:13:42.520 And all of a sudden, you're at the fucking, you're in your home and, you know, there's 0.97
00:13:48.720 no red light, people ain't cutting you off, there's no homeless people. 0.98
00:13:52.600 So really, and that's what I saw in my life when I moved to Jersey. 0.99
00:13:56.680 I could still do the city, but an hour later, all that shit's out of my system. 0.99
00:14:01.760 Amen. 0.99
00:14:02.340 I'm home with my family, my daughter, I'm a different person.
00:14:05.000 Yeah, you can kick your feet up on the ottoman and it feels like you're actually at peace.
00:14:08.040 Oh, I got my chair.
00:14:09.080 As soon as I moved there, I got one of those Archie Bunker chairs where you lay back. 1.00
00:14:12.260 Oh, fuck you. 1.00
00:14:13.060 Oh, aren't you? 1.00
00:14:13.800 And I put my little blankie on it.
00:14:15.860 My legs get cold at night.
00:14:17.780 I got my little remote control.
00:14:18.980 I got a little refrigerator right here in the family room.
00:14:21.480 I put my little blooms in there and a couple of snapples and some water.
00:14:25.320 I got my peptides in there in case I just want to get up and shoot one while I'm sitting there.
00:14:29.940 Yeah, dude. 0.99
00:14:30.360 I watched John Wick and fucking blast myself right in the neck with one. 0.99
00:14:33.660 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:14:34.020 They even have a John Wick peptide.
00:14:35.900 They do? 0.97
00:14:36.180 You just start shooting people. 0.97
00:14:37.740 You just get a gun and stuff. 0.73
00:14:39.120 what's going on in your world these days brother what's going on yeah for one i mean i just i i
00:14:45.760 do want to say this i love jer one thing i love about jersey and philadelphia some of the funniest
00:14:51.060 women best senses of humor bro i mean and it's i mean jersey some of these little broads i agree 1.00
00:14:58.680 they definitely you got some violent little princesses around here you know you got a 1.00
00:15:02.540 dangerous woman there's a couple women that are that hot that they're dangerous those italian 1.00
00:15:07.440 chicks oh they got they got they got sharp tits too a lot of some of the little ones i just sit 1.00
00:15:12.940 there and watch and giggle like look at how these motherfuckers are just racking up victims people 1.00
00:15:17.720 buying them cocktails and these bitches are going home so low yeah yeah dude a lot of bitches just 1.00
00:15:25.800 collecting miatas at their house i love philadelphia and i'm gonna tell you why because 1.00
00:15:30.080 they didn't get the memo yet and even if you send it to philadelphia they're not gonna honor it
00:15:34.600 to really want.
00:15:36.940 Some people like comedy, stand-up comedy.
00:15:39.200 They think that's great to laugh.
00:15:41.180 And it is.
00:15:41.700 I love watching stand-up comedy.
00:15:43.220 But then again, I like comedy that just happens.
00:15:46.240 And the only place in the world where I could count on that happening
00:15:49.880 is Philadelphia.
00:15:51.520 10 for 10, they just don't get the memo.
00:15:54.480 And you're like, Joey, well, give me an example.
00:15:56.260 When we moved here, I looked at tickets for the Yankees, the Mets.
00:15:59.540 But I wanted to see somebody who was playing.
00:16:02.060 San Francisco was playing in Philadelphia.
00:16:04.600 So I asked my wife, take a look at the ticket.
00:16:06.800 She goes, they're okay, let's go.
00:16:08.360 So a bunch of us went, Florentine, his kid, the neighbor, me, my wife, my daughter.
00:16:14.040 My wife, my daughter was eight.
00:16:15.960 And in L.A., we hung around people that didn't really curse.
00:16:19.500 You know, once I moved to Jersey, I was like, we might as well start cursing 1.00
00:16:22.420 because even the moms are fucking saying, fuck you and all this shit. 1.00
00:16:26.520 And my daughter would just sit there lost. 1.00
00:16:28.280 I'm like, go ahead, you can't curse, though.
00:16:30.180 My daughter won't curse. 0.99
00:16:31.160 She's not allowed to curse until she goes to college. 1.00
00:16:34.000 So fucking, that's my rule. 0.99
00:16:35.560 Because if not, they won't take her into college if you curse. 0.99
00:16:38.120 Yeah, and then it gives her a reason to want to go to college, too. 0.95
00:16:40.480 Yeah, no.
00:16:41.080 Because a lot of kids, you let them curse early.
00:16:42.700 They're not even going to go to school.
00:16:43.820 No, no.
00:16:44.480 This one has to go to school. 1.00
00:16:45.620 A mother will kill her. 1.00
00:16:46.540 A lot of kids, I'd apply to college just to say, motherfucker, when I got over there. 1.00
00:16:50.220 You know what I'm saying? 0.99
00:16:51.080 It's like, it's kind of like, that's sort of the best way to do it, dude. 0.99
00:16:54.560 But yeah, they got some short ladies around. 0.89
00:16:56.160 They got some, well, what's the tallest woman in New Jersey? 1.00
00:16:58.440 Bring that up, dude, if you can. 1.00
00:17:00.140 They got some violent little princesses, dude. 1.00
00:17:02.520 I mean, some. 1.00
00:17:02.960 You go to my boxing gym. 1.00
00:17:04.200 There's a couple of chicks in that 1.00
00:17:05.220 that'll knock you the fuck out. 1.00
00:17:06.440 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:17:06.980 I know for a fact.
00:17:08.260 Oh, there you go.
00:17:08.680 Tallest one in New Jersey, 5'8". 1.00
00:17:10.660 So, damn. 0.99
00:17:11.580 And that's not even, Paul, you know. 0.99
00:17:13.920 But it is for here.
00:17:15.940 Bro, because the guy don't want to,
00:17:17.200 they're so potent,
00:17:19.140 they can't make more of it, you know?
00:17:20.740 It's like, it's like if you get like a,
00:17:22.920 you know what I'm saying?
00:17:23.600 It's like, they're a high milligram edible, 1.00
00:17:27.320 them little bitches, boy. 1.00
00:17:28.460 That's for sure, dude. 1.00
00:17:29.640 But some of the most entertaining women ever, bro. 0.97
00:17:32.080 I wanted you to, I really hoped you would have came down last night. 0.98
00:17:36.020 I would have canceled my gig and taken you to dinner at a fucking really great place, man. 0.97
00:17:41.400 Like Central Jersey. 0.99
00:17:42.500 Listen, New York City is New York City.
00:17:44.560 Northern New Jersey is Northern New Jersey. 0.99
00:17:46.300 But I got some spots in Central Jersey that'll take your fucking lights out. 1.00
00:17:50.080 Like you're eating fucking, this is good shit. 1.00
00:17:52.720 I understand everything to the last detail. 1.00
00:17:55.700 So I'm taking my daughter to Philly.
00:17:57.700 And she's eight.
00:17:59.040 To the ball game?
00:17:59.820 Yeah, to this Philly's game.
00:18:01.820 the baseball i pull her aside and i go mercy listen when you get to philadelphia you're gonna
00:18:06.600 see things and hear things you've never heard before yeah i'm just preparing you okay and she's
00:18:12.520 hip she's been listening to me talk for years so we pull up at the game we park we're walking
00:18:17.780 through the front door and i'm not even at the front door my daughter hits my leg and she's like 0.98
00:18:21.460 what she goes look right on the wall there was a picture of a big dick i mean it had to be 15 feet 1.00
00:18:27.940 long. You know, walking to the 0.99
00:18:29.940 six, whatever. But there's a dick 0.99
00:18:31.820 somebody spray painted. Right. So, now 0.99
00:18:33.900 you know what I'm saying. Yeah. And once you
00:18:35.840 walk in there, it's a complete
00:18:37.760 different place, too. They say shit. 1.00
00:18:39.960 They just say shit. Yeah, they're the most 1.00
00:18:41.860 insane. I mean, they're the most next level. 0.99
00:18:43.960 They're not. They say, I went to a sixer game
00:18:45.880 with her, and there was two guys making out.
00:18:48.160 Mm-hmm. And I'm like, that's not
00:18:49.900 going to last long. Yeah. Not in Philadelphia.
00:18:52.420 Yeah. And sure enough, they were gone.
00:18:54.400 Mm-hmm. Somebody came and
00:18:55.980 tapped him to show them like too many kids around though but i have my rights listen we have our 0.99
00:19:01.740 rights too we'll fucking put you in a dungeon we'll put you in the fucking dungeon how's that 0.99
00:19:07.300 and a lot of gay dudes they dress like they want to be in a dungeon sometimes too so that's kind 1.00
00:19:11.780 of the trick no i don't have nothing against the gay dudes they're just some places that 0.99
00:19:16.000 fucking don't fuck around still right they didn't get the memo yeah some places they make their own 0.99
00:19:20.720 rules and you show up and you got to kind of rock with them dude we would go trying to think of 1.00
00:19:25.140 where we went that was very yeah philly's one of a kind though do you see a fucking bird out there 0.97
00:19:29.560 selling dope up near temple or something you see a black dude like dress up like a uber and give 0.99
00:19:34.280 another black dude a piggyback ride fucking 150 feet for a couple grams you know we we would see 0.99
00:19:40.600 all i mean yeah some of the shit we would see bro and audiences are very real in philly like i've 0.99
00:19:45.500 never i remember doing a casino one night and i had such a good time i just jumped chubby joey 0.90
00:19:51.340 just jumped into the audience and they caught me you know what i'm saying i was like this is
00:19:55.300 spectacular how are the people that caught you i wonder how they do when you checked on i think i 0.87
00:19:59.200 fucked up one guy's shoulder you know what i'm saying he just didn't have it no more but it's 0.81
00:20:04.260 it's just it's a fun place to do comedy i think it's a fun city because when i go down there i
00:20:09.100 like watch them like you know where the chick sold the first flag betsy klein what's her name
00:20:13.600 yeah betty uh betty wilson you go to betty ross betsy ross's house betsy ross you go there you go
00:20:19.840 They have a lot of neat stuff that'll bring you back.
00:20:23.260 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:23.820 Like, you're like, holy fuck. 1.00
00:20:24.800 Oh, the museum's there, bro. 1.00
00:20:26.440 Yeah, bro.
00:20:27.400 Bro.
00:20:28.220 It's next level.
00:20:29.080 Stop it. 0.98
00:20:29.860 Stop it there.
00:20:31.060 That's where it all went down.
00:20:32.380 Yeah.
00:20:32.940 People forget about that.
00:20:34.520 That's what's interesting to me.
00:20:36.080 Like, when I go to a town, I don't want to go to a club.
00:20:38.400 I don't want to do nothing. 0.99
00:20:39.480 I want to see this shit, especially these East Coast, North Carolina, all those places 0.99
00:20:44.540 to have some great stuff at those states, man, when you travel. 0.99
00:20:47.500 It's not even about the restaurants to me anymore.
00:20:49.620 Yeah. 1.00
00:20:50.020 But a fucking good museum, look at this shit. 1.00
00:20:52.200 Yeah. 1.00
00:20:52.820 And look at that lady dressed up like Betsy Ross, probably. 1.00
00:20:55.400 Yeah. 1.00
00:20:55.760 You could dress up like Betsy Ross, and they do that every day.
00:20:59.060 You go there, and they school you.
00:21:01.080 But it's nonstop.
00:21:03.060 Yeah. 0.99
00:21:03.320 The history of fucking Philadelphia alone. 0.99
00:21:06.980 You know, where you went and got off the car that night 0.99
00:21:09.220 and took the picture with the boxer from North Bergen.
00:21:12.240 Oh, yeah, dude.
00:21:13.020 You get on that road.
00:21:13.920 James J. Braddock.
00:21:14.740 James J. Braddock. 0.99
00:21:15.540 I'll take you to a place where George Washington's fucking whatever's there, 0.99
00:21:20.040 not the bowling ball, cannonball. 0.99
00:21:22.160 That's what George, it's a little ledge in Fort Lee.
00:21:24.220 You walk down, you have to walk in the park under the George Washington Bridge.
00:21:28.160 If you ever get a chance to do that, you know, I used to walk that bridge to cop.
00:21:33.080 I could walk to George Washington.
00:21:34.760 I would walk it twice a day sometimes.
00:21:36.620 Wow.
00:21:37.160 You could just zip in because if you take a car,
00:21:39.480 they watch to see what cars go in and out.
00:21:41.380 Oh, you have a walk in. 0.99
00:21:42.220 So they'll pull you over and they'll fucking take your car. 0.97
00:21:44.080 Your car gets confiscated. 0.99
00:21:45.540 So in those days, I used to say, why are we going through all this shit? 0.99
00:21:48.520 It's a mile walk. 0.99
00:21:49.760 It's a mile walk. 0.99
00:21:50.640 And I mean, you would loop out, get off the plane, get off the fucking bridge, cop, and get right on the ongoing. 1.00
00:21:56.740 And nobody would fuck. 1.00
00:21:58.040 And meanwhile, when you land in Jersey, you see a line of cars with their hoods open getting fucked and searched and shit. 1.00
00:22:04.360 So I would just walk over. 0.97
00:22:05.820 But the things I would just see in there, it wasn't about, I mean, it was about the addiction, but it wasn't about like, I would get surprised.
00:22:13.840 Even when you land on the other side of New York,
00:22:15.800 if you go underneath, like that area there,
00:22:18.100 when I was growing up, that's where you dropped your car off
00:22:19.980 if you didn't want to pay for it no more.
00:22:21.360 Really?
00:22:22.040 Just left it there?
00:22:22.940 Just leave it there for the $20 bill in the front seat
00:22:25.060 and put the keys in the ignition.
00:22:26.440 You'll never see that car again.
00:22:28.420 Okay, that's one area in New York.
00:22:30.020 Right under the George Washington Bridge on the New York side.
00:22:33.760 Just drop your car off down there.
00:22:35.300 Come back the next day.
00:22:36.200 It's gone.
00:22:36.720 Oh, you see a family of brothers driving it a month later probably.
00:22:39.560 They probably take it, burn it, get money for the parts, whatever.
00:22:42.460 But it was well known, just drop your car.
00:22:45.460 Oh, yeah, dude.
00:22:47.460 I love, like, just places from growing up, places from the past.
00:22:51.200 There definitely was a lot of stuff about Jersey.
00:22:53.660 Like, did y'all ever go on any, like, family trips and stuff around here?
00:22:57.880 Yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:22:58.580 This is what my mom liked this shit, too. 1.00
00:23:00.480 She did? 1.00
00:23:01.080 Oh, like, history and stuff?
00:23:02.420 Yeah, she loved American history.
00:23:04.060 She loved American culture.
00:23:06.080 Yeah.
00:23:06.580 When we came here, that's what really, like, blew my mind. 0.94
00:23:09.220 My mom wouldn't go to a baseball game. 0.92
00:23:11.080 She couldn't stand for the national anthem.
00:23:13.220 And nobody get me started on my uncle.
00:23:15.580 He has to watch the game from beginning to end.
00:23:18.200 Seventh inning, he gets up and does. 1.00
00:23:20.100 They love all that shit. 1.00
00:23:21.480 The tradition of it. 1.00
00:23:22.520 Because they were anti-revolutionaries. 1.00
00:23:25.520 Castro took all their shit. 1.00
00:23:27.080 So when the United States took them in, 1.00
00:23:29.160 they always felt like they were endeared to the United States.
00:23:33.280 And that was a good way.
00:23:34.060 You know, I learned a lot from that. 1.00
00:23:35.200 I didn't think they were into that shit. 1.00
00:23:36.640 But my mom was pro-America, pro-everything, A to fucking Z. 1.00
00:23:41.080 And it was, you know, like I said, I didn't know my mom had it in her, 0.98
00:23:45.260 but she wanted me to be a Marine.
00:23:46.860 She did?
00:23:47.620 She wanted to walk me in there. 0.61
00:23:48.980 The plan was a Marine for four years, get out, law school, 0.99
00:23:52.740 and then go back as an officer or some shit. 0.99
00:23:55.040 Wow. 1.00
00:23:55.260 An officer and a gentleman she wanted. 1.00
00:23:57.200 I don't know about no fucking gentleman, but an officer would have been there. 1.00
00:23:59.900 And I think about that shit. 0.99
00:24:00.500 But look, you met a lot of officers, bro. 1.00
00:24:02.440 Yeah.
00:24:02.920 And I'd say you're a gentleman, bro. 1.00
00:24:04.360 Fuck yeah. 1.00
00:24:05.000 I've always been a fucking gentleman. 1.00
00:24:06.660 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:24:07.160 Who the fuck they think they're dealing with? 1.00
00:24:08.920 Joy Bananas? 0.99
00:24:09.600 was uh what what what ended that kind of like what ended the marine thing you think
00:24:15.160 her dying oh yeah yeah once she died i was like whoo there goes hurrah you're like you took and
00:24:22.620 i still consider it and when i got in trouble like in honor of her did you consider or you just
00:24:26.960 oh yeah i considered an honor her and i even went up there and talked to the recruiter but
00:24:31.380 i got coked up the next night and i missed the blood test oh so i was always embarrassed and i 0.97
00:24:36.140 thought i'd faint at the blood test when he said blood test i threw a fucking wrench in it in those 0.96
00:24:40.940 days yeah if i knew now what i knew then i would have signed up in the service yeah and i still 0.98
00:24:46.060 believe it yeah i think so too when i look back because i wasted some years wasting some years
00:24:50.420 listen i've been in jersey officially six years that's a law degree yeah that's how you have to
00:24:56.480 look at things sometimes like that's why when you're in high school when i come to you and go
00:25:00.120 all right theo you want to join the marines i'm gonna sign you up for 20 years you're like 20
00:25:04.040 years but guess what you get out when you're 38 now and you have a second life with a pension
00:25:09.300 somebody financing that yeah and medical benefits and all this shit that comes with it and you can
00:25:14.820 be a badass too and now you're a badass yeah you're 38 years old you just lived a complete
00:25:19.700 different life and you didn't even have to pull the trigger yeah there was no war for you to get
00:25:23.700 deployed to maybe they sent you for operations to chicago like my nephew to learn about operations 0.99
00:25:29.680 and fucking you know intelligence and shit like that but think about it how much time we blow as 0.99
00:25:35.380 american then you're like bro that really happened eight years ago theo and you're like yeah that 1.00
00:25:40.080 happened eight years and you're like i could have done so much with my life in eight years
00:25:43.880 but that's the path we chose and i'm happy i chose it now yeah i think about that too man
00:25:50.660 it's hard sometimes i chose i think like just be a social kind of screwing around i love to be
00:25:55.160 around people so it's like sometimes I think like that was always like well I just don't want to
00:25:59.980 commit to something you know I just want to be able to be free but I think yeah I would have
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00:29:33.800 When did your mother pass, actually?
00:29:36.040 I can't remember.
00:29:36.300 When I was 16.
00:29:37.220 When you were 16.
00:29:38.140 And you found her, right?
00:29:39.460 15.
00:29:40.020 15, yeah.
00:29:42.420 I found her. 1.00
00:29:43.180 Holy shit. 1.00
00:29:45.520 You bad motherfucker. 1.00
00:29:47.000 Thank you. 1.00
00:29:47.580 Wow, look at you, bro.
00:29:49.200 I even got medals there.
00:29:51.440 Hell yeah, dude.
00:29:52.740 That's beautiful.
00:29:53.440 Yeah, look at you.
00:29:54.120 There you go, dude.
00:29:56.700 Wow.
00:29:57.940 What was something else that she liked to do? 0.98
00:30:01.260 Gamble. 1.00
00:30:01.920 She did?
00:30:02.680 What kind of gambling, though?
00:30:03.800 Heavy.
00:30:04.520 Like, you talking dominoes and stuff or no?
00:30:06.420 Baseball.
00:30:07.420 Really?
00:30:07.860 A lot of baseball.
00:30:08.700 She'd bet on games? 1.00
00:30:09.820 Fuck yeah. 1.00
00:30:10.420 And go to them. 1.00
00:30:11.540 Wow.
00:30:12.640 And then once she sold her business, it got worse because now she was bored.
00:30:17.020 So now she started picking horses.
00:30:19.440 And that's not a good thing to do on this side of the country because you have a noon
00:30:23.740 race and belt uh you know like somewhere in my myth or you have like so there's all these tracks 0.61
00:30:30.160 that one ends and one picks up so you might come here in the daytime down the shore to see afternoon
00:30:36.100 camp which is great going to the track in the afternoon you put like 50 bucks in your pocket
00:30:40.760 get a clam chowder you're out in the sun watching degenerates laughing your asses off but my mom
00:30:46.500 would go from that and then she'd go home cook dinner and then go to the metal lands at eight
00:30:50.460 and catching that at the Meadowlands.
00:30:52.500 If the Meadowlands wasn't good for her, 0.99
00:30:54.280 she'd get into another car and go to fucking Yonkers now. 0.99
00:30:57.400 We were talking about addictions and what addictions make you do. 1.00
00:31:00.280 Yeah. 1.00
00:31:02.140 What would possess you to get in a fucking cab at 11 o'clock at night 0.99
00:31:06.760 to make it to Yonkers for the night racing until 2 in the morning? 1.00
00:31:10.240 You don't get out of there until like 2 in the fucking morning. 0.99
00:31:12.060 Was it dogs or just horses? 1.00
00:31:13.360 It was horses, dogs, pigeons, whatever the fuck they did. 0.99
00:31:16.600 So here she is, bored to death, going to games, gambling. 0.99
00:31:20.580 At that point, she invested in a jewelry company,
00:31:22.680 but she was buying the jewelry herself for her.
00:31:25.280 She'd go in there every day.
00:31:26.120 Oh, I think I need this ring, so what did we accomplish here?
00:31:28.840 And then it was what she was going through with the divorce, 0.78
00:31:31.400 you know, separating from my stepdad and all that.
00:31:33.560 And then her health wasn't good.
00:31:35.600 She kept drinking, and she came home one night
00:31:39.580 and punched a ticket, you know? 1.00
00:31:40.940 Damn. 1.00
00:31:42.180 And everything changes. 1.00
00:31:43.620 You know, at one point, you're like, fuck, 0.99
00:31:45.060 everything changed in my life, Theo. 0.99
00:31:47.660 And then I didn't want to live for a long time,
00:31:49.600 but I wasn't going to kill myself.
00:31:51.180 Do you know what I'm saying?
00:31:51.840 Like, I wasn't going to live.
00:31:52.700 I didn't want to live,
00:31:53.760 but I'm not going to cop out and jump off a bridge. 0.99
00:31:56.660 I'll just do something fucked up 1.00
00:31:58.200 and hopefully it'll shoot me. 1.00
00:31:59.320 Yeah. 0.83
00:31:59.920 And thank God that never happened.
00:32:01.520 What do you think that is that part of us,
00:32:03.200 it's like, because I have had that, man,
00:32:05.260 where it's like, I don't want to live,
00:32:07.060 but I'm not going to kill myself.
00:32:08.740 You know?
00:32:09.200 I don't want to live,
00:32:10.920 but I ain't going to kill myself.
00:32:12.280 I can't do that.
00:32:13.040 There must be something inside of me
00:32:14.380 that does want to live, Dan.
00:32:15.740 Yeah.
00:32:16.160 No, that's it.
00:32:16.940 It's just, maybe it's an excuse,
00:32:18.280 But I know that there's tons of people that walk around and be like, I don't want to live, but I don't want to jump off a bridge and embarrass my family or this or that or, you know.
00:32:26.740 One foot in front of the other.
00:32:27.920 Yeah.
00:32:28.340 That's what you just got to keep proving yourself.
00:32:29.840 Even when your brain is like saying whatever, I think that's what if you just can keep moving your feet, you know, just keep trying, you know.
00:32:37.320 And a step is the easiest thing.
00:32:39.220 Sometimes it's the smallest thing you can do, you know.
00:32:42.160 Did you feel like your mom like deserted you kind of or no?
00:32:44.660 Did you ever think like it was that feelings or she just had had enough?
00:32:47.240 No, she had just, she died of a broken heart.
00:32:49.840 It's what the Chinese call a broken heart disguised as a heart attack.
00:32:56.640 And it was sad because sometimes I think that what her last feelings were
00:33:00.960 as she was getting the heart attack and she was yelling for me. 0.95
00:33:04.940 But because she had a fucked up habit of waking me up at 3 in the morning, 0.98
00:33:08.380 cooking on that particular night, I'm like, 0.98
00:33:10.440 I don't want to go downstairs and eat. 1.00
00:33:11.880 I don't want to go downstairs and hear this shit. 0.99
00:33:13.960 and then like 40 minutes later I woke up 0.99
00:33:16.600 and I saw that she hadn't come up
00:33:17.980 and I go let me go downstairs and see
00:33:19.640 and she was on the floor dead as disco 0.99
00:33:22.020 and it's a fucking realization 0.99
00:33:26.300 you know I was just talking to a friend of mine 0.99
00:33:28.280 and I kind of got upset
00:33:30.620 and I told him I go
00:33:32.360 my mother's been gone for 47 years
00:33:34.520 and there's not a day 1.00
00:33:36.080 that I don't at one point you're like fuck 1.00
00:33:38.720 and he's got something going on with his mom 0.99
00:33:41.740 And I said, so if I was you, I'd go take care of that.
00:33:44.760 Because she's at an age where she could tip tomorrow.
00:33:47.140 And now you have to live with that pain.
00:33:49.180 And I go, let me just give you an example.
00:33:50.520 I died on good terms with my mom.
00:33:52.840 And I still have, like, this pain that just, you know.
00:33:56.120 And I learned things about myself.
00:33:58.200 I learned that when I was.
00:33:59.800 And I remember, I'm not going to lie to anybody, 0.98
00:34:01.840 part of the healing process for me beside the acid and the fucking, you know. 0.98
00:34:07.940 I was a sophomore in high school. 0.99
00:34:09.780 So I couldn't stop living my life.
00:34:11.300 Right. And at that time, you're also really coming into your own life, and you're kind of obsessed with your own world at that age as a teenager. That's when my dad died.
00:34:18.360 I had an option to move to California with my uncle. I had an option to move with my godmother in Harlem, but I was already set in North Bergen. I had already put this work in in North Bergen just to be somebody.
00:34:30.700 Yeah. 0.93
00:34:30.980 Just to try to be cool at parties and be funny or whatever the fuck I was thinking. But this is something I realized when I moved back here.
00:34:39.340 part of my healing process from my mother at that time because i'd be out with you till four in the
00:34:46.360 morning like a year after she died yeah i'd be out with you whatever and also on the way home i go
00:34:52.440 drop me off over here and then you say to me like don't you live around the corner yeah but i'm gonna
00:34:57.320 walk a little bit you go all right man you good yeah what i was doing is sneaking to my mother's
00:35:01.720 house i would just go to where we grew up and sit in the steps nobody was in the house yet
00:35:06.700 Wow.
00:35:07.340 Just to see if maybe they made a mistake.
00:35:09.620 Just maybe.
00:35:11.980 Maybe she took the wrong bus home that night.
00:35:14.580 Maybe she went to the wrong house.
00:35:16.240 You lie to yourself.
00:35:17.280 I was a 17-year-old kid.
00:35:19.180 Yeah.
00:35:19.820 So it was whatever was maintaining me.
00:35:22.180 But I remember thinking to myself one day, you know what, man?
00:35:25.420 She went to Cuba, and she's going to come back.
00:35:28.360 Yeah. 0.96
00:35:28.700 And this is all going to get straightened out.
00:35:30.260 I'm going to live my life until I get the call.
00:35:32.500 That's the biggest lie I ever told myself.
00:35:35.460 Wow.
00:35:35.820 And do you know when I moved back here six years ago, the first year,
00:35:39.720 I was struggling, and it was because of that, because she lied to me.
00:35:44.800 I thought she was going to make a comeback like John Lennon, 0.99
00:35:47.260 but she never fucking did. 1.00
00:35:49.000 So it fucked me. 1.00
00:35:50.100 I'm a man enough to say these things. 1.00
00:35:52.060 Because she had said that?
00:35:53.020 She had said she was going to move to Cuba and come back?
00:35:54.740 No, she was dead.
00:35:56.280 Oh.
00:35:56.700 In my mind, I made up this lie as a coping mechanism.
00:36:00.360 That part of you still believe.
00:36:01.400 Yeah.
00:36:01.920 You know what, bro?
00:36:02.660 She went to Cuba for the weekend.
00:36:04.860 And I'll get a message from her eventually.
00:36:06.820 Maybe they arrest her in Cuba.
00:36:08.280 So now when you came back, that thing never came to fruition.
00:36:10.780 Like when I came back after two or three months,
00:36:13.040 I'm sitting on my balcony one day and I'm like, 0.97
00:36:16.020 she never fucking came back. 0.97
00:36:18.760 And honestly, as grown of a man as I am and it's settled, 0.99
00:36:22.720 it bothered me.
00:36:23.620 Like she didn't come back.
00:36:24.640 But then at the meantime, it's like, Joey,
00:36:26.700 nobody dies and comes back.
00:36:28.560 They might leave you a note, you know,
00:36:30.380 like a little flower might fly out of the sky one day
00:36:32.640 or something but i had to deal with that but it was from the lesson that i had learned when she
00:36:37.460 died that i used that as a coping mechanism telling myself that maybe she just right i remember one 0.97
00:36:44.780 night i got so fucked up i went to the grave and started digging it up in my hands bro wow like 0.99
00:36:49.600 two months after she died i went to the grave one night in a fucking coked up state and god knows 0.99
00:36:56.080 what i was on and i just found sticks and shit and i you know after an hour and a half i only dug an 0.98
00:37:01.880 inch yeah i just wanted to make sure she was dead i didn't maybe i was seeing things right 0.95
00:37:06.840 maybe the acid lasted a little too long it was just it was that unbelievable to me that she had 0.99
00:37:15.040 died but here we are 47 years later slinging dick and at the end i became what she wanted the most 0.99
00:37:22.600 she wanted me to be a man and in her world a man wasn't a guy who slings dick and a man is somebody 0.99
00:37:29.260 who provides who is responsible because one of the last fights we got over like 10 days before 0.88
00:37:35.280 she died I had a curfew I never had a curfew growing up my curfew was if you're not home by
00:37:40.840 11 call me and let me know what time you're going to come home that's fair and if you don't get to
00:37:46.500 that point if you tell me 11 40 at 11 39 I better hear from you again telling me again what time
00:37:54.380 you're going to come in right I don't want to know what you're doing that was the deal we had at home
00:37:58.120 I never could figure that out.
00:38:00.080 I thought it was a control mechanism.
00:38:01.820 And the last time I did that, I came home at night, she smacked me.
00:38:05.280 I was 15 years old. 1.00
00:38:06.740 She just took her fucking and smacked me in the face. 1.00
00:38:09.660 And then I just walked in my room. 1.00
00:38:11.820 And then the next morning when I woke up, she was there.
00:38:13.580 And she goes, I smacked you in the face because someday you're going to have a wife.
00:38:18.440 And you have to be responsible to your wife. 0.71
00:38:20.600 She has to know where you're at all the time.
00:38:22.740 And I thought, I'm not going to get married.
00:38:25.020 You know, you're 15.
00:38:25.960 I'm going to be a playboy.
00:38:26.760 Yeah.
00:38:27.160 But now I understand.
00:38:28.880 I understand those things.
00:38:30.580 So that's what I, you know, it's like me moving from L.A. to Jersey
00:38:34.300 was to really see if I was a man.
00:38:37.480 All right, I'm out there with my friends giggling, and, you know,
00:38:40.540 now let's see moving back into a neighborhood and a community
00:38:44.520 and being part of that community and having a child in that community.
00:38:50.420 And that's how I judge that stuff.
00:38:52.340 You know, no drama, no arrests, no DUIs, no nothing.
00:38:55.900 just living my life and trying to be a little better every day just a little bit just a little
00:39:01.240 bit not much is there is there ever like moments where dude where you like where you have like a
00:39:07.540 moment with your daughter and it almost feels like you're giving that moment to your mother
00:39:10.920 does that make any sense in a weird way you know what i'm saying like is there absolutely
00:39:15.100 and i'll tell you you can throw it brother thank you very much for being a gentleman a scholar
00:39:19.700 you know i'm talking about like you kiss her on the head and it's almost like you kissing your
00:39:22.440 mother on the head like is there because no no no i'm i took that question the wrong way i'm sorry
00:39:26.920 it's like well there's more when i was born i also had a sister when we came from cuba my sister
00:39:35.780 wanted to stay to finish out the school year she never got here so part of my mother's pain and
00:39:41.960 the sadness that underlying what's deep in your veins and she wouldn't realize it till what time
00:39:48.540 at 2 in the morning.
00:39:49.580 Wow.
00:39:49.900 Once you get home and the party's over and the cocktails start,
00:39:53.340 all of a sudden those old feelings come back,
00:39:55.360 and she would get sad at night.
00:39:56.400 She missed her daughter?
00:39:57.180 She missed her daughter.
00:39:58.920 She raised a child without a daughter, without a family.
00:40:01.520 And she did everything. 1.00
00:40:03.220 She fucking congressman. 1.00
00:40:05.040 She fucking donated, bribed. 1.00
00:40:09.120 And then, anyway, not to even go there right now 1.00
00:40:11.860 and confuse the audience.
00:40:13.640 So that was always her underlying whatever.
00:40:17.320 So she always wanted a child.
00:40:19.420 And here I pop up with a daughter now. 1.00
00:40:21.360 My daughter has the same kind of body as her. 1.00
00:40:24.740 Sassy Cuban attitude. 1.00
00:40:26.420 Yeah. 1.00
00:40:27.100 So I see a lot of that in my daughter.
00:40:30.060 When I kiss her, I'm kissing my daughter. 1.00
00:40:32.640 Fuck my mother. 1.00
00:40:33.380 She's dead. 1.00
00:40:33.980 You know what I'm saying? 0.92
00:40:34.380 I'm kissing my mother.
00:40:36.160 I just meant like, is there some psychology there?
00:40:38.720 Absolutely.
00:40:39.460 I think somewhere along that, when I hug her, it's from my mother.
00:40:43.020 Listen.
00:40:43.400 That's her mother.
00:40:43.820 I'm responsible to this little kid.
00:40:45.440 I go to Austin and I just come back, not because I want to come back,
00:40:50.340 but because she has softball games.
00:40:52.060 I want to be a part of her life.
00:40:53.420 So I try to be involved with her as much as I can.
00:40:56.020 I drive her to practices.
00:40:57.460 I take her to kind of stand-up shows with me because I want her to hear
00:41:00.880 what men talk about in the green room.
00:41:03.140 When I go in there, I sit her down and I go, deal with it. 1.00
00:41:06.500 And they're talking about eating their ass and shooting heroin 1.00
00:41:09.080 or whatever the fuck they're not. 1.00
00:41:10.700 But I always wanted her to feel comfortable around men. 0.99
00:41:13.200 So I've been dragging her to green room since she's 12, maybe 11. 0.99
00:41:17.880 Just I took her down to Rogan, popped her in the fucking green room. 0.99
00:41:20.980 Wow. 1.00
00:41:21.420 Let her smell that marijuana smoke. 1.00
00:41:23.100 You know, let her see what really goes on in life.
00:41:26.380 So when she does get 18 and gets let out into the world, she's not in shock.
00:41:31.320 Yeah.
00:41:31.920 I wanted her to see what men think about, what men talk about,
00:41:34.820 what is important to men when you're sitting there.
00:41:37.400 What's going on.
00:41:38.060 What's going on.
00:41:38.820 Yeah. 1.00
00:41:39.120 Because I always wanted her to feel comfortable around fucking men. 1.00
00:41:41.640 and I wanted her to feel like she's got the situation under control. 1.00
00:41:45.320 So every move I make is around that psychology.
00:41:48.820 I'm raising her on a different tip, Jack.
00:41:51.320 Everybody wants a smart kid.
00:41:52.700 I want a smart kid, but I want that kid to be street smart.
00:41:55.280 And that's what these children are missing today.
00:41:57.220 There's adults walking around that they wouldn't know what to do
00:42:01.300 unless somebody told them, their wives or whatever. 1.00
00:42:04.140 Yeah, there's motherfuckers running around that couldn't buy an eight ball 1.00
00:42:06.600 if you gave them fucking four days. 1.00
00:42:08.280 Yeah, and gave them the money and a straw. 0.99
00:42:10.700 Yeah.
00:42:11.640 Yeah, dude, losing a parent, man, like, I remember my dad, like, my dad was older, so I was embarrassed of him, and that's the thing, like, if I have, like, a regret when it comes to it, it was, like, I was embarrassed to how old he was, but it's, like, so it kind of kept me away from him, but also I was at that age where, like, you're just kind of coming into your own, and your parents, you're not even really super connected to your parents at, like, 14, 15, 16, you're doing your own shit, you think, you know, you're just kind of like, you know, your nuts are just starting to fucking look around, you know,
00:42:41.400 peek over your dick and look around you know it's like things are you know things are starting to 1.00
00:42:46.100 get different you know maybe somebody's flirting with you maybe you're sneaking some chick in your 1.00
00:42:50.520 room at night or whatever it's little things you become you're growing up but yeah dude i was 0.98
00:42:55.780 embarrassed of him and sometimes but that dude my fucking dad bro he like i think i told you he had 0.96
00:43:02.480 bought like a uh a delta 88 an old cutlass kind of car off of some brothers right and he couldn't 0.99
00:43:07.960 hear. And so he had speakers in a trunk. So he had fucking 22s in a trunk, right? He's driving
00:43:13.100 this car and it would play like Paul Harvey, Rush Limbaugh, you know, just with bass, dude. It'd be
00:43:19.700 like, Paul Harvey, good day, you know? And this motherfucking thing was just, just fucking 1.00
00:43:27.440 rattling. He bought this car for like 800 bucks off a couple of brothers around the corner. So 1.00
00:43:31.640 he would drive us around in that thing and the fucking doors wouldn't open, dude. Two of the 0.99
00:43:36.540 passenger side door. So we'd always have to jump in the window. Everything in there was just a
00:43:39.940 bunch of shit. He like, he like, he delivered candies for a little while and was putting candies 1.00
00:43:44.580 in vending machines and shit. So we'd always have fucking like, like nine boxes of fucking 0.99
00:43:49.700 melted chocolate in the back of his car, bro. So we'd have to sit in there until you fucking get 0.99
00:43:55.500 out. Until you were half black, you were mulatto by the time you got out of that motherfucker. 1.00
00:44:00.600 And they'd have like dogs come licking your arms and shit because you're just covered in fucking 1.00
00:44:03.960 chocolate and you'd have to go to school dude so i was already embarrassed because we're poor and 1.00
00:44:09.720 then i had to walk out of here with half a kit kat hanging off my neck you know and this is
00:44:15.000 in the teachers looking at me like she doesn't even know where to start and then sometimes he 0.67
00:44:19.800 would come to pick us up from school and he would fall asleep in the carpool line
00:44:25.240 so now it was embarrassing because the teacher's like blowing the whistle and he's 0.99
00:44:28.680 fucking you know when there's fucking reesey cups fucking falling out of them it's just like 0.98
00:44:35.280 like dear god i just felt everything about it gave me like so much shame because i think there 1.00
00:44:41.360 wasn't a conversation like hey we're gonna have some pride in this shit this is who we are you 0.91
00:44:44.920 know but uh anyway i don't know why i told that story but bro that but that makes your life but 0.97
00:44:51.280 it's so crazy how as kids we don't see that yeah listen my mom would go to mech games and she'd
00:44:58.060 In fact, my mom spent so much money at the MET games,
00:45:01.820 they wouldn't throw her out.
00:45:03.040 But something happened with Rusty Staub.
00:45:06.140 So she would sit in left field and throw chicken wings when he came back
00:45:09.300 because he didn't make a catch one year and she lost $800. 0.99
00:45:12.780 So she had it out for Rusty Staub and she would throw chicken bones at him. 1.00
00:45:16.540 They had to move her to the other side of the stadium. 1.00
00:45:18.600 They didn't throw her out because she'd go there bribe. 1.00
00:45:21.080 You know, we'd go there to games.
00:45:23.040 We'd go to games. 1.00
00:45:24.320 She had a guy that she'd give like 20 bucks to
00:45:26.420 And the guy would bring you to like the first row and he'd look at the people's tickets and go, you're sitting in the wrong place.
00:45:31.620 People with real tickets, he would throw them out and put them somewhere else and give my mom the tickets.
00:45:36.300 This was insane. 0.99
00:45:37.460 You know, this was fucking insane. 0.99
00:45:39.100 And I would be so fucking embarrassed. 0.99
00:45:42.400 And then she stole a church from the bell. 0.99
00:45:45.660 My third, my fourth. 0.99
00:45:46.680 She stole a bell from church? 1.00
00:45:47.720 Yeah, stole a church.
00:45:48.580 And she'd take it to the Mets games and ring them for good luck. 1.00
00:45:51.900 and then when the Mets lost the fucking playoffs 0.99
00:45:54.520 to Cincinnati Reds in 73 0.99
00:45:56.520 she actually gave me the bell 1.00
00:45:58.260 and she goes get that fucking voodoo shit 1.00
00:46:00.280 out of my house, it made me lose 1.00
00:46:02.180 I go they've been winning all season
00:46:03.600 you were having a good time with the bell
00:46:05.540 and I got caught bringing the bell back to my own 0.97
00:46:07.780 she stole the bell from my school 1.00
00:46:09.680 not from some store 1.00
00:46:11.520 she went to a church on a Sunday 1.00
00:46:13.520 for me to do whatever the fuck 1.00
00:46:15.960 singing the school band 0.99
00:46:17.120 and she saw a little bell and took it in her purse
00:46:19.460 and now a year later she's giving it back to me
00:46:21.720 to bring it back because it's voodoo. 0.99
00:46:23.460 I'm like, you're fucking, this is the house I lived in. 1.00
00:46:26.600 So we're embarrassed about these things, 0.99
00:46:28.620 but once, like, that sounds intense.
00:46:30.640 When you go out to the car and your dad's asleep, 0.99
00:46:32.760 that's fucking, and that's when you just turn around 0.99
00:46:35.260 and make believe he's not your dad. 1.00
00:46:36.680 Yeah.
00:46:37.360 Son, get in here, son.
00:46:39.320 You know, I remember one time I was swimming at a pool.
00:46:43.260 My mom told me, when you leave today,
00:46:45.900 make sure you make your bed.
00:46:46.980 People are coming on.
00:46:47.860 I'm like, Mom, I'm not making my bed.
00:46:50.260 And I'll never forget the conversation.
00:46:51.860 I said, listen, why am I going to make my bed?
00:46:53.200 I'm going to go back to sleep.
00:46:54.260 And she looked me right in the face. 1.00
00:46:55.240 She goes, why do you wipe your ass? 1.00
00:46:57.020 You're going to shit two hours later, right? 1.00
00:46:58.980 So I left and went to this pool party with some girls. 1.00
00:47:02.640 I'm playing like a pimp. 0.99
00:47:03.960 I got my gold chain on and shit. 0.99
00:47:06.240 And all of a sudden, I hear, Jose Antonio. 0.97
00:47:08.460 And that's my real name, Jose Antonio.
00:47:10.820 Jose Antonio. 0.99
00:47:12.400 She actually came to the fence and was yelling.
00:47:15.180 And people are like, who is that lady? 0.99
00:47:16.500 I'm like, I don't fucking know. 1.00
00:47:18.320 down 9-1-1 get her out of here my mom heard that shot 9-1-1 here I'm gonna fucking kill you 1.00
00:47:23.200 then I saw her starting to climb the fence she threw the stick over and was trying to climb the 1.00
00:47:28.120 fence and shit and I just took off and she chased me for like fucking 20 minutes hit me with the 1.00
00:47:33.560 fucking stick and then when I put my hands up the block she lost her mind and she went and got a 1.00
00:47:38.560 bounty roll and lit it on fire to burn my hands because you're not supposed to lift your hands 1.00
00:47:43.960 to your moms. That's the world I came from. 0.99
00:47:46.460 I came from a heavy duty 1.00
00:47:48.040 fucking world. I had something on 1.00
00:47:49.900 Sunday. People came over and all these
00:47:51.900 people are talking about shit. And I looked at them like 0.99
00:47:53.840 I don't know where the fuck, who raised you. 1.00
00:47:56.180 But in a fucking, my house, you couldn't 1.00
00:47:58.020 a kid couldn't talk at the fucking dinner table. 1.00
00:48:00.620 They look at you like you were 1.00
00:48:02.000 Val Kilmer and E. Remember when Val Kilmer
00:48:03.900 didn't say nothing? That's how they
00:48:06.000 looked at you. Like why are you speaking?
00:48:08.100 And in my house I got these people talking 1.00
00:48:09.940 about shit. I still remember going 1.00
00:48:11.980 to a friend of mine's house and I couldn't 1.00
00:48:13.940 believe how loose white people were at the table
00:48:16.120 when he was Irish. But at
00:48:17.840 one of those conversations one night, he told his
00:48:19.980 daddy, he's like, you know what, Dad? 1.00
00:48:21.800 I don't even believe in fucking God. I think you're all 1.00
00:48:23.920 fucked. That motherfucker 1.00
00:48:25.760 got up and started punching 1.00
00:48:28.020 him so many times in the face in front of me. 0.99
00:48:30.160 I almost fucking died. Good. 0.99
00:48:32.260 Just bouncing
00:48:33.880 his own kid. Teeth were missing
00:48:35.860 and shit. People talk too 0.99
00:48:37.880 much shit at the dinner table. Shut the fuck 1.00
00:48:39.940 up. Especially kids. What the fuck? 1.00
00:48:41.840 Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? They don't know shit. 1.00
00:48:43.940 Dude, my mom always had, like, this air of, like, this odd superiority of, like, we would, like, she would, like, we would go to the McDonald's, you know, once we get the chores done on Saturday, the big thing was we would get to go to McDonald's, right? 0.99
00:48:58.040 So she would make us listen to Bryan Adams and Leonard Cohen and shit, and, like, we fucking didn't even know what this shit was, and we're sitting there like, have I told you lately that I love you? 1.00
00:49:08.480 I'm out there that's fucking nose deep in a toilet bowl fucking cleaning this bitch 1.00
00:49:12.800 cleaning whites bro I was four years old doing fucking whites and coloreds bro and you know 1.00
00:49:17.800 because those are the two that I knew just from that neighborhood we lived in but those are you 1.00
00:49:21.120 know those are the loads I was responsible for dude then she would take us to McDonald's bro
00:49:25.980 but we kind of had this like pattern where we got to order and then she would like kind of shush us
00:49:31.340 a little bit and she would order a McFish but like it was like a like it was on like a special menu
00:49:38.340 like it was like like an entree or something that they had there you know she kind of like
00:49:43.320 she always had this weird superiority she's like all right now quiet down and she's like and i'll 1.00
00:49:49.180 have a mcfish you know like it was a fucking like like these motherfuckers don't care it's the same 1.00
00:49:54.340 shit it's just chicken that they fucking squirted some fish flavor on it's fucking but she always 1.00
00:50:00.320 had like i don't know my mother always had this weird you're still tight with mom right yeah it's 1.00
00:50:05.380 gotten better over the years, you know? And like you're saying, it's like these days, I'm just,
00:50:09.420 I pray, my gratitude is I'm just grateful my mother made me, right? It's like, I don't know
00:50:14.220 what was going on in her life, but somehow, whatever it was, she found enough energy or love
00:50:20.260 or whatever happened to at least make me, you know, like, and I got here and the rest of it,
00:50:26.520 it's like, yeah, it wasn't up to me early, but it's up to me now, you know? And so I can try my
00:50:31.140 best. It's not always great, but, um, yeah, I got over some of like the old, like I'm going to like
00:50:37.180 hold stuff against you. Life was fucking tough. My mother, when she was growing up, like her dad 0.88
00:50:42.680 was kind of crazy. Her father was crazy. He would for months at a time, he would, he wouldn't even 0.99
00:50:47.660 use the front door. It was her and my grandmother. They would do, they were cleaning. My grandmother
00:50:52.060 was a cleaning lady. So they would go clean houses. My mom would go with her sometimes, 1.00
00:50:55.340 but my grandfather would stay in his own room and then he would go in and out through the window.
00:51:00.780 He wouldn't use the front door.
00:51:01.860 He made him slide his food under the door over there.
00:51:04.940 So something was obviously wrong with him.
00:51:06.760 So I imagine like a little girl thinking like, man, my dad doesn't even want to see me or
00:51:10.440 some, you know, who knows?
00:51:12.260 Who knows what happened? 1.00
00:51:13.380 But yeah, when you hear about people's lives and shit, it's like, fuck, people are trying 0.99
00:51:17.840 their best, you know? 0.99
00:51:19.280 And we had some good times.
00:51:20.320 My mom would date some strange guys sometimes or people were trying to come over and smash
00:51:24.240 or whatever.
00:51:25.280 I'm sorry to interrupt.
00:51:26.120 How old were you when your dad passed?
00:51:27.680 16.
00:51:28.700 So we're in the same boat.
00:51:29.740 We're nothing special.
00:51:30.780 yeah you know what i'm saying we ain't something special and how long did it take your mom to date 0.91
00:51:34.720 again oh she fucking was probably dating about four years before he died oh my god so it didn't 0.83
00:51:42.100 take her that long you know but it was like yeah they just you know like but dude my dad was just 0.98
00:51:48.160 fucking dude when i think back on it bro it was kind of bro he'd he'd pull up at the post office 0.93
00:51:53.960 there'd be no parking spots or whatever and he couldn't see that good so he'd ask us is there 0.99
00:51:57.720 any parking spots I don't fucking know you know I'm a kid I don't know what parking spot is you 0.55
00:52:01.340 know so he'd be like all right you're getting pretty tall you know and he'd be like I'm gonna 0.98
00:52:06.440 run in here drive around the block dude and this thing had no power steering I would fucking take 0.97
00:52:10.700 this fucking thing I would have to extend my foot to get the gas to it down like remember extend my 1.00
00:52:15.300 foot like push it long dude I'd take this bitch around the block I'd hit four or five cars dude 1.00
00:52:20.000 fucking boom boom and his car was so banged up you couldn't it it'd hit 2,000 cars every car in 1.00
00:52:26.180 had been hit had been hit by his fucking car dude this motherfucker bro and i just keep going in a 1.00
00:52:33.400 circle out there till he came out how old were you uh i was probably i don't know 12 probably 1.00
00:52:38.620 weren't you the guy who told me that you used to sit on yellow pages was that you when i was a kid
00:52:43.920 dude we would when you drive i'm sorry when you drove you sat on yellow pages i can't remember
00:52:48.240 what we had somebody told me a story that they used to the dad used to make them drive and sit
00:52:52.880 not yellow but now the stories are you know it's like yeah but that's some of this stuff is harrow
00:52:57.200 as tough as it is or whatever and people have tougher stuff man i mean your life i can't even
00:53:01.280 imagine that no but it's like the you know you just you you find these little things that make
00:53:06.180 you a storyteller that make you curious that make you pay attention i think i was always paying 0.97
00:53:10.880 attention you know like somebody there was a lady who would fucking come out in the evening by the 1.00
00:53:15.840 at the other apartment and she would come out and fucking like she'd have like a daiquiri and she 1.00
00:53:20.800 would be like she you know just lay on her fucking car and ask me how her body looked and shit and 1.00
00:53:25.840 I'm out there I'm fucking I'm six years old you know dude we would put light shit in the ditch 1.00
00:53:31.960 like you know she fucking just be out there how does my body look you know and I don't fucking 0.99
00:53:37.080 know and I would get up real close to her leg and like look at it real close like that you know 0.99
00:53:41.680 like I didn't know what the fuck I was looking for I didn't know I would get right up by her neck 0.99
00:53:46.080 and shit and look at it and I'll be like yeah it looks fine um 0.99
00:53:51.320 Look, I work out, okay? 1.00
00:53:53.220 I'm in there, I'll be honest, which I know my way around a barbell, okay?
00:53:57.540 I know how to get to the second story of a stair master.
00:54:01.500 But I'll be honest that sometimes it's easy to fall into a routine.
00:54:05.580 The same four lifts every week, you just kind of get plateaued.
00:54:09.660 And I'm on the road a lot too, and sometimes it's hard to find a good gym nearby,
00:54:13.520 and sometimes even any gym at all.
00:54:15.720 So I want to recommend this app called Ladder.
00:54:18.300 They set me up with a real coach.
00:54:20.320 His name's Brian, and he's on Team Vitality, and his whole approach is built for exactly
00:54:26.520 my situation when I'm on the go.
00:54:29.280 You got dumbbells, body weight stuff, mobility, conditioning, nothing that needs a gym.
00:54:35.780 I've done his workouts before in green rooms, in the back of the bus, anywhere.
00:54:40.580 Think of it like having a personal trainer in your headphones, and it's less than a dollar
00:54:45.220 a day.
00:54:46.240 So if you're a guy who keeps telling yourself you'll get back into it once your schedule
00:54:50.060 calms down, look, I've been right there with you and it doesn't calm down. Go to ladder.fit
00:54:58.140 slash TPW and take the quiz. They'll match you with your own coach. You get a free seven-day
00:55:04.800 trial, no credit card, and 10 bucks off your first month if you join. That's ladder.fit
00:55:11.220 slash TPW. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could wake up tomorrow and do one thing
00:55:19.420 better, what would that be? What would that be? Well, for me, it would be listening. I just want
00:55:27.860 to sometimes I want to listen in a way that's, I don't know, I feel like you could master the art
00:55:32.520 of it. I feel like because it's a skill like anything else, maybe just, you know, just I want
00:55:38.560 to be able to absorb things in a way where I'm not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to
00:55:43.340 listen. And then maybe like the right question would just kind of light up inside of me, you
00:55:48.900 know, like in my brain or even in my heart first, it would just kind of spark up like
00:55:53.460 a little pilot light, you know, or sometimes it wouldn't be a question at all.
00:55:59.500 It would just be, hey, just stay listening, you know, so I think for me, that would be
00:56:03.780 it.
00:56:04.020 How could I listen better and better is a feeling, you know, defined by you and for
00:56:09.060 better help.
00:56:09.600 It's a better help therapist who really gets you.
00:56:13.100 It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions
00:56:17.980 of members in over a hundred countries it's progress sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com
00:56:25.660 slash theo that's better h-e-l-p dot com slash t-h-e-o it's so funny when we look at our lives
00:56:35.440 and we think that we grew up fucked up and in a way we grew up with action in our lives
00:56:42.780 true we shunned at that age like there was a lot of action in my house yeah we could go here for 0.89
00:56:48.120 we could sit here right now and go hours about what was going on in my house yeah at that age
00:56:52.560 and i dealt with it it was something that was there and i stayed away from some of it i participated 0.96
00:56:58.620 in some of it but not in a bad way like my mom and stepdad were part of two different fucking 0.85
00:57:05.200 bookmaking operations so that added you know pressure to the house after she trained him 0.88
00:57:11.180 all those years he decides to partner up with somebody else so there were just so many things
00:57:16.060 towards the end and i just lived my life around them you know i moved out of my house when i was
00:57:20.440 in the sixth grade right did you when i left catholic school when i got thrown out of catholic
00:57:24.560 school i went home and there was just too much shit going on in my house dude i couldn't sleep
00:57:28.960 at night and i moved in with my friends in uh union city and lived with them for the whole 0.89
00:57:34.080 sixth grade year wow i didn't like sleeping in my house and you just made that choice yourself
00:57:39.000 Made it myself.
00:57:40.140 My mom lived it because my mom's bar was three blocks from where I was staying.
00:57:44.820 So I would leave school at three, go up north, go to karate or basketball practice,
00:57:50.040 eat dinner at my mother's bar. 0.96
00:57:51.940 On the way home, I'd get a bag of clothes, and I'd just fucking go there that night. 0.86
00:57:56.880 I had some clothes there, take a shower, and walk to school from Union City 0.95
00:58:01.300 instead of sleeping in North Bergen because I didn't like what was going on in my house.
00:58:05.580 Yeah.
00:58:06.420 And there was nothing bad going on. 1.00
00:58:08.000 But first off, they both came in at 3 in the morning, talking shit. 1.00
00:58:12.260 Yeah. 1.00
00:58:12.720 And then she'd cook an eight-course meal at 4 in the morning and wake you up. 0.99
00:58:16.160 I got to get up at 7.30 in the fucking morning. 0.99
00:58:18.420 Yeah. 0.99
00:58:18.600 Yeah, but I made steak, eggs, black beans, a lobster tail. 0.99
00:58:22.540 It's fucking 3.30 in the fucking morning. 0.99
00:58:26.280 So it was just so many of those things I couldn't fucking handle in my house. 1.00
00:58:29.620 Yeah. 0.97
00:58:29.860 And again, now you look at it and go, Joey, that's exciting.
00:58:32.580 It's exciting for a few nights.
00:58:34.120 Right.
00:58:34.480 Because you come downstairs.
00:58:35.860 My uncles would be there half coked up.
00:58:38.000 They each give me 20 bucks for school the next day.
00:58:40.160 That was great.
00:58:40.940 Yeah. 1.00
00:58:41.400 But everything else, now I got to sit there and listen to these fucking 0.99
00:58:43.880 why yous at four in the morning like it's two in the afternoon. 0.99
00:58:47.200 Yeah.
00:58:47.720 And they would cook while they were coked up.
00:58:49.800 Oh, yeah.
00:58:50.220 Why are you cooking?
00:58:51.620 That's just.
00:58:52.260 The food would land and everybody would be looking at themselves at six in
00:58:54.820 the morning. 1.00
00:58:55.120 I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you, retards? 1.00
00:58:57.500 But that's the house I grew up in. 1.00
00:59:00.280 That was the shit that was going on. 0.99
00:59:01.940 And this is why I always, I'm very strong in my homes. 1.00
00:59:07.280 Yeah. 1.00
00:59:07.640 Me and my wife's got that southern, you know, Tennessee shit. 1.00
00:59:11.860 And both, there's no alcohol in my house. 0.99
00:59:13.980 I mean, listen, if you come over, you want to drink.
00:59:15.540 I got beers downstairs.
00:59:16.900 Right.
00:59:17.240 But there's no real alcoholic parties at my house. 0.99
00:59:20.060 I don't want her to see alcohol on the fucking tables. 0.99
00:59:22.180 That's just me. 1.00
00:59:23.080 Yeah.
00:59:23.360 Because that gives them the green light now to live like I did. 1.00
00:59:26.620 Next thing you know, your daughter's 18 and she's drinking like Bert. 0.65
00:59:29.420 No. 1.00
00:59:29.900 I'm going to fucking, you know, I don't want none in my house. 0.99
00:59:33.420 I smoke pot outside the house. 0.99
00:59:35.400 I do everything I do inside the house.
00:59:37.840 And when I walk in the house, I check myself.
00:59:40.100 When I walk in to make sure I got no bad spirits on me.
00:59:43.500 You know what I'm saying?
00:59:44.180 So I walk into the house and it's normal.
00:59:46.720 We live like an American family, as crazy as that is. 1.00
00:59:49.720 Right. 1.00
00:59:50.040 People think I'm at home at night fucking watching porn. 1.00
00:59:52.760 Nothing. 1.00
00:59:53.640 I haven't watched porn since I was fucking 13. 1.00
00:59:55.900 I go home and it's just a regular, normal, American fucking life. 1.00
01:00:00.840 Wow. 0.99
01:00:01.620 There's no butlers.
01:00:02.720 There's no nannies.
01:00:04.120 After all you've been through.
01:00:05.100 I never had a nanny, never nothing. 1.00
01:00:06.600 I don't want nobody in my fucking house. 0.99
01:00:08.120 Yeah. 1.00
01:00:09.280 Nobody.
01:00:09.840 At night when I go home, it's to relax.
01:00:11.740 So there's never any pressure on my daughter.
01:00:14.200 I wanted to make it a warm home for my daughter.
01:00:20.120 I didn't grow up in a warm home.
01:00:21.420 Yeah.
01:00:22.240 I grew up in a home when I get up to go to school. 1.00
01:00:24.600 My mom would call him a fucking cunt in Spanish. 1.00
01:00:26.920 And I don't need that in my life. 1.00
01:00:28.660 My daughter doesn't need that in my life.
01:00:30.440 So that's why I strive so hard to have a clean home.
01:00:34.460 I keep everything out of my home.
01:00:35.960 I mean, I got weed there.
01:00:37.040 I got pieces. 0.99
01:00:38.000 I got shit, but it's a clean home. 0.99
01:00:40.520 Yeah. 1.00
01:00:41.400 You know?
01:00:42.080 And I take pride in that.
01:00:43.460 Amen.
01:00:44.520 Yeah, I think creating what you couldn't have, too.
01:00:47.060 That's what it is.
01:00:47.660 Yeah.
01:00:48.340 That's what it is, because you knew you loved your mom,
01:00:51.200 and you knew they worked hard,
01:00:52.780 but that was not how you chose to live anymore. 0.99
01:00:56.140 I'd rather live a different fucking way, 0.97
01:00:58.680 and that's exactly, you know, I didn't want alcohol. 0.98
01:01:00.600 it used to bother me to get up
01:01:02.360 and there'd be beer bottles in my house
01:01:04.620 nothing bothers me more than that
01:01:05.960 and they put a cigarette in that beer bottle
01:01:07.940 and by mistake you knock one of those beer bottles over 1.00
01:01:10.440 and that shit goes into your furniture 1.00
01:01:11.680 you never get the stink out of nicotine beer 1.00
01:01:13.920 out of your fucking shit 1.00
01:01:14.920 so I've always, as much of a coke head as I was 1.00
01:01:17.700 and all that shit 0.99
01:01:18.960 there were nights I did coke and wouldn't drink 1.00
01:01:20.880 I would never drink
01:01:22.120 because I didn't want them to spill 1.00
01:01:23.820 I'd rather snort this bitch 1.00
01:01:25.460 you know what I'm saying? 1.00
01:01:25.900 Yeah dude I remember my bike seat 0.83
01:01:30.460 would always get fucking stolen or whatever some dude was using it for something or whatever 0.59
01:01:34.540 and uh so a lot of times i go out in the morning my bike seat would be gone so i'd still ride my 0.98
01:01:39.300 bike but i have to ride standing up the whole way you know just little shit like that that was like
01:01:43.620 but every time you just take it in your own head and just kind of move it along you know but i do 0.95
01:01:47.260 four mile ride just fucking because i didn't want people seeing me get off of the bus with the like 0.98
01:01:51.160 the real poor kids because it was like embarrassing to me and shit was already embarrassing enough i 0.99
01:01:56.200 felt like so it was like but it's interesting the way you kind of like manage stuff as a kid once 0.97
01:02:00.900 you start having to kind of manage shit that's when life kind of gets different i think for some
01:02:04.940 kids when you they got to start kind of man when things are some sort of way where it's uncomfortable 0.98
01:02:09.440 and they got to start managing a little too early that's when i feel like it's different 0.76
01:02:13.680 but but yeah dude we had some fucking times man we uh oh dude did you ever take greyhound to go 0.76
01:02:21.040 up to the shows or whatever how was it up here what do you mean Graham Graham bus yeah or Peter 0.93
01:02:28.080 Pan you ever take one of them no just Graham Graham bro I used to take grounds when I was a feature
01:02:33.720 yeah oh dude when early on I would be taking some Greyhounds sometimes dude bro we had this one stop
01:02:39.640 it was over by like Hammond right and they had some dude he would always they call him the Hammond 0.93
01:02:43.640 slurper right this dude would get out and he was just a gay dude or he pretended like he wasn't
01:02:48.000 gay or what everybody was really being gay but he would be like you know hey guys if anybody wants
01:02:54.120 it here in ham and he would just make an announcement i was like you know like i'm giving 0.99
01:02:57.920 it out you know and everybody be just sitting there like fucking who's gonna get up you know 0.96
01:03:02.700 who's like winning the gay lottery or whatever and every now and then you'd see some dude like 0.99
01:03:07.640 i'm gonna step out to smoke or something somebody go follow him over there and he was blowing dudes 0.99
01:03:12.180 over there and hammond over there him in louisiana where the blowjobs always wet brother because 0.95
01:03:17.920 of the humidity anyway. You know, you fucking just put your wiener in the air and you feel 0.99
01:03:22.280 like something's sucking on it. It's just that kind of area over there. But yeah, Greyhound, 1.00
01:03:28.160 I'm trying to think, bring up anything on Greyhound. You got any crazy stuff? Some of
01:03:31.280 the stuff that's happened on Greyhound, I used to get on Greyhound Twitter feed, right? This is what
01:03:35.220 I used to do. I would get on there because they have a bus help. It's at Greyhound bus help or
01:03:40.160 something. And people would be like, look, we pulled over here off the LIE. This motherfucker's
01:03:44.960 on fire right somebody's calling somebody's four-year-old or whatever and i would be like 0.99
01:03:50.100 i would just reply from my personal twitter i'd be like don't got don't you worry guys we'll be 0.98
01:03:53.900 right there right these motherfuckers what do we have here we go here's one right here the dude on 0.98
01:04:02.560 the the dude on the left is doing knife hits of meth on a greyhound bus both both are arguing 1.00
01:04:08.660 constantly oh yeah that's hound baby that's hound dude so that's that's the neighborhood where you
01:04:14.860 would take the bus at oh no this is just random people talking about stuff on greyhound during
01:04:19.560 reloading in tallahassee the driver left me at the station and most of my luggage was in the bus
01:04:24.780 number 86846 heading to jacksonville it passed now then 24 hours i reported about it no feedback
01:04:32.700 still same shit here my silver luggage was stolen on 822 from my way to buffalo i made a claim and 0.73
01:04:40.080 they didn't do shit for me to wait for what yeah you're done you lose anything on gray on there's 1.00
01:04:45.520 no customer service bro they motherfuckers they won't give you a hug they won't even give you a 1.00
01:04:51.000 fucking hug so that's a cold way to travel but when you're making 400 for fucking 18 shows 1.00
01:04:56.960 and you want to snort coke and have a good time you got to cut back at some different divisions 0.99
01:05:01.460 and that's why I used to take the L.A. bus to El Paso, Texas.
01:05:05.880 Nuh-uh.
01:05:07.780 As a feature act, and then he started headlining. 0.98
01:05:10.420 He didn't pay much, so I would take the fucking Monday night, 0.94
01:05:13.400 Express, 1145, got you to El Paso at 1 o'clock the next day. 0.99
01:05:18.280 Nuh-uh.
01:05:19.360 You were on that bus overnight, but the Express only made a few stops.
01:05:24.880 Oh, yeah. 0.98
01:05:25.760 But fucking, I was on that thing one time, and the heat broke, 0.99
01:05:29.500 And there was like 20 Asians going to Texas. 0.99
01:05:32.180 And after about two hours, that bus started kicking. 0.97
01:05:34.440 Not that the Asians were dirty, I'm not saying that. 0.99
01:05:36.660 Yeah. 0.98
01:05:36.920 But it was hot.
01:05:37.600 And the body sweat. 1.00
01:05:38.580 That whole bus smelled like a yin-yang fucking factory. 1.00
01:05:41.360 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:05:41.800 I was on.
01:05:42.880 And then they had great coke and whatever.
01:05:45.980 So my first time ever in El Paso, I'm about to leave Saturday night.
01:05:49.340 I just got paid.
01:05:50.560 And some guy's like, hey, man, you want to do a bump?
01:05:52.800 And he gave me two.
01:05:53.520 And I looked at him.
01:05:54.040 You know why I could buy something?
01:05:55.260 He goes, nah, just take the rest out of this.
01:05:57.080 It was like four grams of coke he gave me.
01:05:58.860 wow i'll never forget the next day i got i didn't do it all that night i want to save some to take 0.97
01:06:04.020 back how did you save some listen to the fucking story yes sir something made me pass out i woke 0.94
01:06:10.100 up the next day got a you know got the three grams whatever was in there put in my pocket 0.99
01:06:15.760 got on the bus take off i'm happy as shit i go in the back of my pocket i do two bumps i'm ready to 0.92
01:06:22.580 sit there for 11 hours doing little bumps and all of a sudden the bus gets pulled over by three 0.99
01:06:27.320 fucking immigration cops and with dogs and shit i'm dead so i did the best possible thing i took 0.99
01:06:34.000 the fucking grams out and i snorted in one fucking swipe grounded it up threw in the bathroom washing 1.00
01:06:39.960 my hands he's like get to your seat my hands are washed there was no coke on me but now i had to 0.99
01:06:44.200 deal with the fucking three gram line i did also i couldn't catch my wind and shit and then i just 0.98
01:06:49.880 started sweating bro by the time they got there with the dog the dog was barking at me from a 0.99
01:06:55.080 distance you know like because it was coming out immediately i'm sitting there 390 pounds 0.96
01:07:00.860 fucking sweating cocaine juice mala malenka juice and god knows what else was coming out of me 0.95
01:07:06.480 that was not a pleasant experience another time i was on one going to buffalo and i started a 0.99
01:07:12.600 conversation with the girl i didn't even say nothing she started telling me out she's a 0.95
01:07:17.100 stripper and she got an std in buffalo so it's not that girl who's can hum up like a christmas 1.00
01:07:24.960 carol or whatever this is a chick on a greyhound and even if she did what how do you get to humming 1.00
01:07:30.440 a christmas carol with your pussy that's a complete different conversation usually that 1.00
01:07:34.240 involves money and cocaine before you get to be that open i didn't know if it was a different 1.00
01:07:38.420 same girl no no and she's telling me that if you go to the doctor and they prescribe something it
01:07:45.840 goes on your stripping license or whatever so it goes on a report and they won't let you dance 0.84
01:07:52.900 until you go back to the doctor.
01:07:54.740 And she's like, I got three kids.
01:07:56.020 I got to dance.
01:07:57.060 So she was going from like Buffalo to Syracuse 0.91
01:08:00.200 before the paperwork shot over 1.00
01:08:02.020 just so she could get a couple of wiggles 1.00
01:08:03.840 and get paid before the fuck 1.00
01:08:06.000 and everybody knew she had VD. 1.00
01:08:07.820 This is the kind of people you meet on the bus,
01:08:09.720 which makes it entertaining.
01:08:11.740 All the best.
01:08:12.540 And it's part of comedy. 1.00
01:08:13.840 It's part of the fucking gig. 1.00
01:08:15.780 Yeah. 1.00
01:08:16.280 You know, think about it.
01:08:17.700 You might go to a gig now and take a private plane.
01:08:20.100 It's great.
01:08:20.920 We've earned it.
01:08:22.180 But at the same time, look at how we used to take a bus and be just fine
01:08:25.260 and get there with a story.
01:08:27.200 And as a comic, we base our lives on stories.
01:08:30.700 Before I even go on my material, I took a bus here today.
01:08:34.400 I got an hour of material of what I saw. 0.81
01:08:36.660 People having sex. 1.00
01:08:38.540 I saw this fat couple fucking in the back. 1.00
01:08:40.680 He got stuck. 1.00
01:08:42.080 They started yelling. 1.00
01:08:43.800 Shit like that. 1.00
01:08:45.020 Yeah, for safety or whatever. 1.00
01:08:46.460 What makes you think getting on the ground and you can fuck? 1.00
01:08:49.220 I mean, where's your mentality? 1.00
01:08:51.080 If you want to fuck somebody, fuck them in first class or in the bathroom on a plane. 1.00
01:08:55.340 I fucked on a Greyhound before, man. 1.00
01:08:57.100 You did? 1.00
01:08:57.540 Yeah.
01:08:57.920 Oh, my God.
01:08:58.860 I did. 0.99
01:08:59.240 You're a hell of a Christian.
01:09:01.600 You're a better Christian than I am.
01:09:03.540 Look, dude.
01:09:05.080 Yeah, dude.
01:09:05.980 And I don't even know if I wanted to, but I think-
01:09:07.720 You just met her?
01:09:08.500 Huh?
01:09:08.880 No.
01:09:09.440 It was a girl I knew.
01:09:10.300 Okay.
01:09:10.760 We were riding-
01:09:11.500 No condom. 1.00
01:09:12.420 Fuck it. 1.00
01:09:12.960 Yeah. 1.00
01:09:13.400 She's going from point A to point B. You're going also, two strangers.
01:09:18.760 They didn't have any condoms on the bus.
01:09:20.560 I remember even asking a driver and it was at night and he's like, I told him straight up.
01:09:24.660 I was like, I'm trying to make out with my lady back here.
01:09:27.120 And he's like, well, I'll drive real slow if you break me off an extra $40. 0.97
01:09:30.500 So I fucking hooked him up and he drove like, he probably drove 25 on the interstate. 0.91
01:09:36.960 Almost like a romantic sort of thing in a way. 0.99
01:09:39.600 Cause you don't get to go that slow on the interstate. 0.96
01:09:41.520 I mean, this was back when a miles per hour was probably 55, but he put the flashing lights on and shit. 0.99
01:09:45.840 I felt like a fucking, like a president or something. 0.99
01:09:48.020 I felt like I was traveling to heaven. 0.99
01:09:49.280 but yeah she was like sitting on my lap or whatever making love back there but yeah I 0.99
01:09:53.860 remember that dude Greyhound they'd always have something it would be like some dude set his dick 0.99
01:09:58.580 on fire or whatever or two dudes were looking for somebody's dick or it was always the stuff 0.96
01:10:04.700 that happened on there was crazy one time I'm on there a guy's like he said hey you want to see 0.98
01:10:09.180 something right and I thought it was going to be um his wiener or whatever he opens his bag up and
01:10:16.000 it's just a jewel it's just a bag of jewelry right like he just robbed a jewelry store then he picks
01:10:21.980 the bag up and hands it to me to look in it when he does that under the bag got his wiener out
01:10:27.920 so i lost you know or he won or whatever i don't know what it was but um if you were to stop comedy
01:10:37.300 tomorrow yeah just disappear what would be the memories that you missed the most about
01:10:44.800 doing comedy going up at the on the original room for sure me too
01:10:51.500 and also bringing somebody up there's something also special fun about bringing somebody up
01:10:58.260 and i think also just watching comedy in the original room me too that's one of the things
01:11:02.880 i miss about getting high sitting in the back sitting and watching comedy but i mean like
01:11:07.720 this is about life i was your son and i came to you and said dad i'm 21 i know
01:11:12.780 you've earned money and you want me to go to
01:11:15.240 Notre Dame but dad I want to
01:11:17.140 follow in your footsteps you know
01:11:18.940 at first you be a little upset
01:11:21.220 you know can we do this later 1.00
01:11:22.960 I don't want your mom to hear this shit you know 1.00
01:11:24.900 and then eventually you got to deal with it 1.00
01:11:27.080 and in the process of dealing
01:11:29.080 you have to think of what you went through
01:11:31.180 the hotels
01:11:33.280 the buses the people not 0.99
01:11:35.240 paying you and all this shit 0.97
01:11:36.540 and I gotta be honest with you including my jail sentence 0.98
01:11:39.540 the first 10 years
01:11:41.180 of comedy and everything else
01:11:43.260 that's happened the last 40 years
01:11:45.060 I would do it all over again
01:11:47.280 I would do it all over again it was well
01:11:51.140 worth it the ride
01:11:53.100 the education that I got of being a comic
01:11:55.360 is world renowned education 1.00
01:11:57.360 the shit we've 1.00
01:11:59.340 seen on those trips 1.00
01:12:01.180 when they lose your luggage or
01:12:02.740 plane rides or who's on the plane with you
01:12:05.500 and I think I missed
01:12:07.260 the struggle I miss
01:12:09.240 struggling that's 1.00
01:12:10.440 that's who gets you a dick hard the next day. 0.99
01:12:13.280 I still don't like it easy. 0.99
01:12:14.800 I got to struggle a little bit.
01:12:16.460 There's something that's out there that I want a piece of,
01:12:19.340 and I'm going to do whatever I can to get it.
01:12:21.420 I'm just making up an imaginary scenario here.
01:12:24.780 But that's what I enjoyed about living in L.A.,
01:12:27.720 that every day I could hit the lottery.
01:12:30.000 Yeah.
01:12:30.740 You know, you try to motivate people and speak to people.
01:12:34.320 They understand what you're saying, but not really,
01:12:36.660 because they hadn't had it happen close to you.
01:12:41.640 Proving myself, I think.
01:12:43.300 That's one thing that I loved.
01:12:44.400 You know, I think about somebody like Ralphie Mayer.
01:12:47.160 I still remember me and Ralphie going to shop,
01:12:49.000 writing shoplifting turkeys and shoplifting co-cuts 0.99
01:12:52.420 and doing all this crazy shit. 0.99
01:12:54.840 And all of a sudden, one day later, 1.00
01:12:56.480 he's living on Wilshire Boulevard in a fucking penthouse, 0.99
01:13:00.160 and he's got a coffee table with three pounds of weed 1.00
01:13:04.520 on the coffee table of three different weeds.
01:13:07.220 That's nice.
01:13:07.900 See, when you see that, you go, okay, that's what I want for myself.
01:13:11.220 And if he did it, I could do it.
01:13:13.360 Okay, that's what it's opening the door for somebody else.
01:13:16.040 Like I'm trying to get this guy on a podcast that I've been a fan of
01:13:19.540 since I was in the eighth grade because he changed my whole life.
01:13:23.580 He played for North Carolina, and he started as a freshman.
01:13:27.240 White dude, Irish kid, 6'7".
01:13:29.740 And I still remember turning the TV on for the final game
01:13:35.440 and them going from Jersey City, New Jersey,
01:13:38.200 Michael Corrin and me going,
01:13:40.580 that dude is a freshman.
01:13:44.660 He started at North Carolina.
01:13:46.520 He's doing it. 0.95
01:13:46.880 And he's white. 0.95
01:13:47.760 Wow. 1.00
01:13:48.340 If he could do it, I have a chance to get the fuck out of here. 0.75
01:13:51.660 Maybe not as a star like him,
01:13:54.320 but it let me know that there's more beyond Jersey City
01:13:58.420 in your neighborhoods or, you know, more than some of Louisiana.
01:14:01.980 I'm not putting Louisiana down.
01:14:03.260 I'm just saying in the back of your mind, you're like,
01:14:05.080 there's something bigger out there.
01:14:06.400 And if he went out there and got it, I'm going to go out there and get it.
01:14:09.860 That hit home for me, and it still does.
01:14:11.780 I think about Michael Coren once a month.
01:14:14.000 Wow.
01:14:14.480 Because I knew the door he opened for me mentally.
01:14:17.520 He opened this door mentally without ever knowing. 0.99
01:14:20.380 I want to get him on the podcast to thank him to his fucking face. 0.99
01:14:23.560 Michael Coren? 1.00
01:14:24.380 Michael Coren.
01:14:25.120 They even did a write-up about his mother in Sport Magazine.
01:14:28.420 because it was Rosie, her name, another Irish mom.
01:14:31.880 And she was a waitress raising this single, you know, 0.98
01:14:35.440 she was a single mom. 0.99
01:14:36.540 Yeah. 1.00
01:14:37.920 This motherfucker started as a fucking freshman. 1.00
01:14:42.740 In the semifinals, he had 33 points for the final four. 1.00
01:14:47.840 Yeah.
01:14:48.040 He busted out 33 points.
01:14:50.000 Then as a freshman, they ended up losing to Marquette.
01:14:53.400 But that didn't matter to me. 0.99
01:14:55.240 The fact that he was a kid from my fucking neighborhood 0.99
01:14:58.420 That was doing something. 0.99
01:14:59.340 That was doing something. 0.98
01:15:00.440 Just let me know I can fucking do this. 0.99
01:15:02.800 Amen. 0.99
01:15:03.500 Not being a millionaire, not being a big-time company.
01:15:05.700 Just doing something.
01:15:06.620 Just doing something.
01:15:07.580 Letting me know.
01:15:08.620 Yeah.
01:15:09.020 You know, look where you're from in Louisiana.
01:15:11.700 There was a big-time football player from there.
01:15:14.520 That's you.
01:15:15.280 Oh, yeah.
01:15:15.740 And you had him.
01:15:16.860 And you had him. 0.99
01:15:17.880 So let you know that you have a fucking little bit of a chance. 0.99
01:15:21.000 Something's possible. 0.99
01:15:22.260 Yeah, we had Analo Silvan was this dude who lived in a neighborhood
01:15:27.160 right around from us he lived over in the ozone and he was like he had like the letterman jacket
01:15:33.080 and he played football and i think he went to play university of tennessee look him up if you can
01:15:37.020 nilo sylvan american former professional football player oh he played for the buccaneers that's who
01:15:43.780 it was um and where was he from look can you click on his wiki
01:15:48.300 from covington louisiana right there that's who you're from covington yeah and so man it just
01:15:55.480 Yeah. And he played college at university of Tennessee, dude. So, uh, so yeah, there was
01:15:59.920 something of when you saw him, it seemed like, Oh man, I something, there's something possible.
01:16:07.140 There's something possible out there. I could do something. I could do something. I could be a
01:16:10.860 water boy. And, uh, Pistol Pete Maravich lived in our town. So that was like a big deal.
01:16:15.680 Why you always got to get me started on Pistol Pete. You know, that's my idol though. He lived
01:16:20.440 over there off a janky. Oh dude, I got a pair of socks. I got to send you some Pistol Pete socks.
01:16:24.260 I bought them years ago.
01:16:25.140 Never took them out the package.
01:16:26.300 They're nice.
01:16:26.960 They're designed like-
01:16:28.340 They're nice.
01:16:28.800 They're just like a nice pair.
01:16:30.200 Oh, he wore them?
01:16:31.120 Oh, no.
01:16:31.700 He didn't wear them.
01:16:32.100 Because I'd sniff them if he wore them.
01:16:33.160 That was my dog. 1.00
01:16:34.120 Oh, fuck it, bro. 1.00
01:16:35.400 I let my wiener sleep in one I'm at night. 1.00
01:16:37.480 You know what I'm saying, bro?
01:16:39.180 So how close did Pistol P graduate from you?
01:16:42.460 Oh, I'm sorry.
01:16:43.520 No, but his two sons grew up in our town.
01:16:46.000 So his ex-wife lived there.
01:16:47.980 He had gotten a divorce or he passed away.
01:16:50.420 Right, he passed away.
01:16:51.020 But they had a half cord and a bat and a top of their house.
01:16:54.260 So I remember we'd walk around and they had this house and we just kind of ridiculously shaped.
01:16:58.960 And he just, he was a different dude.
01:17:00.860 He'd build a half court in his attic, but it was like a real half court.
01:17:04.520 Like it was, the attic was just a unique looking house.
01:17:07.560 And so things like that were always interesting.
01:17:10.680 And then Lee Harvey Oswald went to our middle school. 0.99
01:17:13.480 And so it was like shit like that. 1.00
01:17:15.880 It was like, I could be a fuck, you know, I could. 1.00
01:17:17.560 I could shoot the president. 1.00
01:17:18.760 Yeah, something, bro. 0.99
01:17:20.960 I mean, you just, but little things, it didn't even matter. 0.99
01:17:23.640 I don't care if Dracula went to our fucking kindergarten. 0.98
01:17:26.240 It was like something could have happened, right? 0.99
01:17:28.900 And there was like a lure in the air.
01:17:31.200 That was another thing.
01:17:32.300 It put lure in the air.
01:17:33.600 One of my favorite stories that I tell people all the time now about you
01:17:37.880 that I just even learned like two years ago was when,
01:17:40.560 was that James J. Braddock that y'all used to go shovel snow in his driveway.
01:17:44.660 Yeah, how crazy is that?
01:17:45.840 Dude, that's like, dude, that Cinderella man is my favorite.
01:17:48.400 I remember when Poirier fought over there in Jersey,
01:17:50.760 I went and prayed at the statue before I went over there.
01:17:53.640 dude because i was like this is it because he's kind of like you know he's my braddock he's a lot
01:17:58.320 of people's braddock in a way but when you told me that story that he would break you guys off a
01:18:02.240 couple bucks to shovel snow in his driveway that's crazy and he was just a regular guy in the 0.87
01:18:06.740 neighborhood just a regular guy and he had kids in the neighborhood they became cops and shit like 0.87
01:18:10.380 that it just went and went and went yeah i didn't know about the the how big james j braddock was 0.77
01:18:20.540 when I was growing up.
01:18:21.640 It was too late.
01:18:22.360 I was 10, maybe, 11, 12. 0.99
01:18:25.980 And they told me that he was a famous boxer and shit. 0.99
01:18:28.700 Yeah. 0.99
01:18:29.100 I told my mother. 1.00
01:18:29.900 My mother said he was good, whatever the fuck. 1.00
01:18:31.880 He was good. 1.00
01:18:32.760 That was it.
01:18:33.500 Yeah.
01:18:33.940 He was good. 1.00
01:18:34.220 She liked him and some shit. 1.00
01:18:35.560 She saw him fight at some fucking thing. 1.00
01:18:37.980 Because my mom would go to the garden to watch fights. 0.99
01:18:40.020 She went to mom and Ali Frazier at the garden. 1.00
01:18:42.500 I still remember being fucking crying and shit. 0.99
01:18:45.620 She left me with a baby so that I was heartbroken. 1.00
01:18:47.760 I tried to get the babysitter to suck my dick for $20, 1.00
01:18:53.380 and she took my $20 in quarters and blew on my stomach. 1.00
01:18:57.200 I was going to kill this bitch. 1.00
01:18:58.520 I worked hard to get those $20 in quarters. 1.00
01:19:01.040 Oh, at that age for sure, dude.
01:19:02.840 How could you even?
01:19:04.260 And then the next morning, my mom used to wake up with me
01:19:06.820 and make me like this pseudo oatmeal, 1.00
01:19:10.400 and then she'd have to give me a... 1.00
01:19:13.760 Yeah, we grew up in a Cuban house. 0.85
01:19:15.380 So I have to drink Irish juice with not-
01:19:19.340 The cortada in it or something?
01:19:21.300 Cortada. 1.00
01:19:22.420 This shit, something oil seed. 1.00
01:19:26.360 Something like fish oil. 1.00
01:19:28.780 Like fish oil.
01:19:29.700 Oh.
01:19:30.340 I forget.
01:19:30.780 It's still around.
01:19:31.480 Now they got it in different flavors.
01:19:32.940 It must taste worse.
01:19:34.300 But for three years, my mom would give me that.
01:19:36.360 Three or four years every morning.
01:19:38.060 You puked it up. 1.00
01:19:39.000 She didn't give a fuck. 1.00
01:19:39.880 You're not going to school until you drink this. 1.00
01:19:42.360 Because I was a sickly kid. 0.89
01:19:43.900 Yeah.
01:19:44.240 And I still remember her pouring the thing from, like,
01:19:46.700 Ma, I got to talk to you.
01:19:48.280 She had just woken up. 0.98
01:19:49.520 She was probably hungover.
01:19:50.520 And I'm like, Ma, I got to talk to you. 1.00
01:19:52.700 Tita, I gave Tita $20 to suck my dick last night. 1.00
01:19:56.440 And she didn't suck my dick. 1.00
01:19:57.940 And my mom's looking at me like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
01:20:02.860 Yeah, that's unfair. 0.99
01:20:03.300 I gave her $20, Mom. 1.00
01:20:05.000 And if I don't get my money back, I'm going to fucking kill her. 1.00
01:20:08.040 I want my fucking money back, Mom. 1.00
01:20:09.680 I'm going to go in there and stab her right now. 1.00
01:20:11.380 I was a kid. 0.99
01:20:12.380 So $20 to me was a lot of money.
01:20:14.280 I was pissed.
01:20:15.100 That's a year's salary. 0.98
01:20:16.240 I still remember being fucking pissed about it. 0.97
01:20:19.200 I remember I got all fired up. 0.98
01:20:21.160 I took a shower.
01:20:22.080 I put VO5 in my hair.
01:20:24.260 I put a gold chain on. 1.00
01:20:25.980 And I just sat in my little room, my little dick out. 1.00
01:20:28.920 And I thought she was coming in to suck it. 1.00
01:20:30.560 No. 1.00
01:20:31.480 So I told my mom, I want my fucking money. 1.00
01:20:33.720 So my mom goes, enough, enough, enough. 0.99
01:20:35.900 I'll give you the $20.
01:20:37.080 Just don't let this happen again.
01:20:39.220 And she goes, can I ask you something?
01:20:40.840 She goes, let me ask you something. 1.00
01:20:42.160 yeah i have a bar there's always a bunch of hookers there you think they'd suck your little 1.00
01:20:47.100 dick for 20 fucking dollars it's usually a hundred dollars so i don't know when she told me i'm like 1.00
01:20:51.620 what the fuck a hundred dollars for a bow job at my mom's bar 1.00
01:20:55.500 oh dude my mom i don't know if she was blowing people or not i can't even remember i'm trying 1.00
01:21:03.040 to think she dated though i remember dude and whoever she would date it i'd always have we'd
01:21:07.920 have to be she dated one guy uh who gave us tickets to a football game my brother and i went 0.85
01:21:13.440 and a scalp or fucking the dude some undercover cops you know offered to buy him from us and then 0.89
01:21:19.320 they tried to arrest us for scalping our tickets and they're like you guys are trying to scout you 0.99
01:21:23.960 know sell to i'm like but you're we didn't know you asked to buy you know just fucking we had 0.88
01:21:28.720 another my mom dated this guy donnie ferrari i used to i worked as like a um they had to do this 0.97
01:21:33.240 whole door-to-door italian food he had a little wagon he'd go around and just sell it selling
01:21:36.680 an italian and i worked at his apprentice my mom was kind of i think they were dating in hindsight
01:21:40.680 for a bit now this is after your dad passed no no no this is before he was still alive because
01:21:45.720 they'd been separated for a while right okay so they got separated but yeah my mom was 0.98
01:21:49.360 she was uh i thought your mom said listen honey i love you but the dick don't work no more oh i 0.96
01:21:54.620 think i gotta go out and get mine i'm saying i gotta go out and get mine i've been a mom i raised 1.00
01:21:59.560 these motherfuckers i gotta go suck something dude well my mom dated my mom dated this one dude 0.99
01:22:05.560 and he would take us just to the continental breakfast at a motel and we'd go sit in there 1.00
01:22:10.440 and eat dude we didn't even stay there bro you're over there eating an apple for breakfast we'd get 0.81
01:22:15.960 all dressed up and go eat there dude he wore like a cowboy hat we didn't fucking know he would take 0.99
01:22:21.540 us in at a fucking holiday inn over there and we'd sneak in off the side and just go fucking eat in 0.99
01:22:25.940 there. But, uh, what else happened? Yeah. But she dated this guy, Donnie Ferrari. And he had like 0.98
01:22:31.660 this, um, it was like that, you know, just Italian. I was his apprentice when I was probably like nine
01:22:36.820 or something. We sell him fucking strombolis door to door and shit. We had a little wagon. 1.00
01:22:40.920 He had a little wagon and we'd pull up and dude, he was, but he was trying to smash all these 1.00
01:22:45.380 women. And I finally caught on like this dude was supposed to be talking to my mother, but he's out 0.97
01:22:48.940 here and I'd be waiting there fucking that up. It was a couple of bunts and burners. I'm fucking 0.85
01:22:52.580 there warming up a little tray of fucking um you know uh uh manicotti's or whatever and he's in 1.00
01:22:59.280 there massaging the lady's shoulders in the kitchen and shit like it was always some bullshit you know 0.99
01:23:04.120 but that was pretty fun that's back when they had like the swan's truck the different food trucks 0.99
01:23:08.500 would come through the neighborhood and you could buy the food directly off of some guy
01:23:11.740 you know wow but yeah we sold door-to-door italian for a while and i wasn't bad at it was 0.98
01:23:19.020 just so fucking hot dude you're lugging 35 pounds of fucking manicotti bike no oh walking we'd walk 0.99
01:23:27.680 in the back and put it in his van and then drive it fuck how were you left home when i left almost 1.00
01:23:33.840 13 man i went and live with friends okay and then how long till you left that area how old were you 0.98
01:23:38.820 when you left that area and said i went live with my mom because then she moved out to arizona i
01:23:43.340 went live with her for one semester out there and then i moved back from my senior year of school
01:23:46.700 and that was fun dude that was so much fun i was so lucky to be from louisiana bro just fun people
01:23:53.640 storytelling but there's people telling stories and there's weird shit happening dude i remember
01:23:58.120 the first time i got a little bit of cocaine you know cocaine oh god oh down there yeah and it's 0.98
01:24:04.940 wet it's always fucking wet you know the top half inch is fucking you know it's the only it's like 0.98
01:24:10.400 comes with a head on it you know it's like mikey it's like i see mike's head dude yeah it's like 0.99
01:24:16.040 yeah it comes with a fucking head on it dude but i bought some cocaine i thought it was a 0.99
01:24:21.100 performance enhancer like a creatine or something so i'm fucking snoring this shit i ran eight miles 1.00
01:24:25.100 out there on the railroad tracks dude and i didn't miss a fucking you know you go on railroad tracks 0.99
01:24:31.180 you're like boom those the things going across the wooden i didn't miss a one boy i fucking was 0.99
01:24:36.780 cruising how old were you the first time you did cocaine probably right then uh it probably was 0.99
01:24:43.860 about 14 or something oh jesus you beat me by a fucking year and a half really fuck yeah but like 0.98
01:24:51.640 one-eyed dude this one-eyed dude he would ride a bike to work and he would uh and i'd give him 0.99
01:24:57.680 some of my tip money and he would do a little bit of cocaine he had two eyes when i met him and then 0.99
01:25:02.760 when i re-met him he only had one eye the coke was good i mean something was good dude that shit was 1.00
01:25:08.320 banging jack it was so good his eye left town with some of it you know that shit was fucking good 0.98
01:25:13.380 but yeah it was i'm trying to think of something else oh from growing up dude we had like a job 0.99
01:25:18.740 that one of my first jobs was uh we had this one dude named fozzy who had this fish finder service
01:25:23.720 and it was like he had this thing like a fish you remember there was like one hundred numbers you
01:25:28.360 could call to get like a tarot reading or whatever like miss cleo or whatever well this dude had one
01:25:34.180 and it was a fish finder he would call you you could call this service and they would tell you
01:25:37.600 where the fish in the state where you where you could fish right so it was like we got the bet
01:25:41.040 you know, like Lake Beauregard's got the fish, right? Or Chifuncta, you got them in a Chifuncta
01:25:45.960 today. They got, you know, they got tarpon out there on, you know, in South Lafourche or like,
01:25:50.980 you know, they got, um, you know, they got Brim off of Pecan Island or something like that. He
01:25:55.000 would, so you, people would call this number and pay a fee to talk to him and he would tell them
01:26:00.020 where the good fishing was for that day. And so I worked over there at the little call center over
01:26:04.780 there and you would just answer calls and you had to keep them on the line while he was waiting with
01:26:08.300 the person he was already talking to because the guy lived in our area so that was pretty crazy 1.00
01:26:12.980 dude you just bullshit with these motherfuckers who were trying to get like a hot read on some 1.00
01:26:18.120 bass or whatever you know so but even just shit like that you get into it and then like life 1.00
01:26:23.860 becomes like this sort of thing that's like all right you know this is interesting and then i 0.76
01:26:28.740 think god just blesses you with different characters that come by we had a guy at work
01:26:32.960 i've heard this story before but he would deliver pizzas and um we'd make up fake a fake he never
01:26:38.420 watched any pop culture he never watched movies or anything he was like a born again christian 0.97
01:26:41.800 or like reborn again or whatever it's called unborn or whatever fucking twice baked or whatever for 0.97
01:26:46.720 christ or whatever he was just like a little potato skin for the lord this guy you know so 0.96
01:26:50.880 he he but we would call he was a manager at the pizza joint so we we'd make up fake pizza orders
01:26:56.740 you know we'd make up a you know a pizza order for like uh you know it could be anybody it could 0.70
01:27:02.600 be fucking wesley snipes right like four miles away wanted six pizzas so we'd make the pizzas 0.83
01:27:08.660 he'd go take he had no idea never heard of wesley snipes he never owned a television anything like 0.99
01:27:12.380 that he was always at church so he'd go deliver the he'd go out there we'd get drunk while he 0.99
01:27:17.700 was gone this motherfucker would come back he was always wearing like a heathcliff t-shirt remember 0.99
01:27:22.260 heathcliff that cartoon he was always wearing it said like heathcliff loves christ or whatever on 1.00
01:27:27.740 it and he was always wearing that bitch and he'd come back and we would fucking be leaning on the 1.00
01:27:31.760 brooms just bent out of our minds, bro. And, but when he get back, it was almost like he was 0.99
01:27:36.560 bringing the pizzas back for us. Cause we'd forgot he would even send him out there. We drink so much
01:27:40.440 draft beer while he was gone. And the pizzas were still good enough, you know, to eat. So we're
01:27:44.580 like, fuck yeah, we got pizzas. And we cheer him on when he got back. We're all excited. This 0.99
01:27:49.160 motherfucker just, whatever money the business was going to make for the day was just gone, bro. 1.00
01:27:53.760 And these pizzas was wet in the middle, bro. And I'll say that till I die, bro. The pizzas that 1.00
01:27:59.020 they sold were wet in the middle and that shit was a turnoff to me interesting you fuck that's 1.00
01:28:06.560 pretty interesting shit it was just interesting shit you know it was entertaining enough you know 1.00
01:28:12.140 um i heard that you were going to be spending time down in austin man so am i i had to do it 0.98
01:28:19.320 i had to do it just the mathematics is better for me the stage time the stage time yeah same
01:28:26.240 um like i said to you central jersey is very nice i'm out of the city an hour
01:28:31.780 but where i live in my situation now comedy's rough some nights you know and i find myself
01:28:39.720 maintaining but not improving okay yeah i don't want to maintain i gotta and for me i know this
01:28:45.980 from day one for me to get anywhere i gotta do a couple spots multiple nights yeah so i started
01:28:52.280 going down there you know when the austin boom came that wasn't for me i'm not that i didn't
01:28:57.800 need that that bad i had already purchased a house here and i wanted to to establish myself
01:29:04.160 here so austin was nice i always enjoyed myself there but i wasn't going to just pick up and move
01:29:10.240 because everybody else was doing it yeah and bring my daughter and then over the years i started
01:29:15.140 going twice a year i started going three times a year and four times a year you miss tacos you go
01:29:21.920 back down there again and i noticed that ever since like last november i started going down
01:29:27.160 there once a month and it was always the same thing tuesday leave friday get there tuesday
01:29:32.900 morning do three spots tuesday three wednesday three thursday and get on a plane but then i
01:29:38.380 come back here for three weeks and i do another one a week so i was like this is just not enough
01:29:44.060 it wasn't enough and i just started making friends and then you know i've been friends
01:29:48.420 a car leave I don't know how long and as a friend she's like have you ever considered playing GTA and
01:29:53.940 I'm like no but I never played a video game in my life I was always too busy stealing yeah I don't
01:30:00.200 have time for fucking games that's what the game is that's what the game is about so you're streaming 0.85
01:30:04.840 now yeah I stream twice a week bro I didn't even know that Grand Theft Auto whenever you want to 0.99
01:30:09.940 come on it'd be fucking dog it is a blast it is a fucking blast I'm an old man I get it I know 0.98
01:30:16.640 don't you have a life? I do. I don't think so. 1.00
01:30:19.040 No. Who cares? Who cares?
01:30:20.640 The game wouldn't exist if you hadn't have lived your life.
01:30:22.760 Yeah. No. You're right. Fuck him.
01:30:24.460 You copyright. I'm over there running over 1.00
01:30:26.520 people, robbing liquor stores, 1.00
01:30:28.720 shooting people. 0.94
01:30:30.400 Look, yeah. This is... 0.92
01:30:31.900 I'm trying.
01:30:32.680 I don't think you got ammo.
01:30:35.520 Oh my God.
01:30:38.000 I just start shooting 1.00
01:30:38.960 motherfuckers. 1.00
01:30:44.480 Bro, that's 1.00
01:30:45.380 Awesome. 1.00
01:30:46.380 I just blew a guy up, bro, with the fucking. 1.00
01:30:51.060 Can they do a blowjob? 1.00
01:30:52.420 Can you get a blowjob in this? 1.00
01:30:53.940 I think you get a blowjob at the strip club, but then Twitch will ban you. 1.00
01:30:57.860 Oh. 1.00
01:30:59.120 Right? 1.00
01:30:59.620 Twitch will ban you if you get a blowjob at a strip club. 0.99
01:31:02.200 Listen, I didn't know what I was doing. 0.99
01:31:04.620 These guys taught me how to do it from scratch.
01:31:06.820 Yeah.
01:31:07.180 And I go on there like tonight. 0.99
01:31:09.100 I might go on there, but maybe not because Carly can't stream tonight.
01:31:12.740 Maybe I'll go on there Sunday nights.
01:31:15.380 The other night, I got out at 1 in the morning.
01:31:17.940 I went out to do comedy and podcast, and I got back.
01:31:21.360 Carly was streaming.
01:31:22.300 We have another friend.
01:31:23.180 We have three of us, Pedro. 0.98
01:31:24.960 And we fucking go off on that, man. 0.99
01:31:27.620 I eat a few edibles. 1.00
01:31:28.920 I smoke some dope.
01:31:30.000 I put my little earphones on.
01:31:31.580 I got music.
01:31:32.960 Everybody's sleeping.
01:31:33.840 I got my little office in the back to play it.
01:31:36.880 And if this is what I'm doing now, this is what I'm doing.
01:31:39.760 Dude, it's how the times are.
01:31:42.860 Some people, there's not even a lot of jobs. 0.99
01:31:45.260 out there you can't grow a crop you grow a fucking you grow a pumpkin or whatever it's 0.99
01:31:49.560 goddamn uh you know it's got metals in the middle of it and shit everything's got a you know things 0.99
01:31:55.220 are so messed up now you got a cornfield but half of the corn's got fucking velcro on it growing out 0.99
01:32:00.360 of it and shit like everything is just merged out it's like yeah if you're an adult playing video 0.99
01:32:05.480 games i didn't do it as a kid i don't i didn't play any fucking games then you earned it dude 0.99
01:32:10.600 Every kid should be able to play video games. 1.00
01:32:12.120 Fuck. 1.00
01:32:12.620 That's what I tell people. 1.00
01:32:13.580 I'm 63.
01:32:14.940 I'll let you know what I want to do when I grow up as soon as I find out.
01:32:17.760 I don't know what I want to do when I grow up.
01:32:19.460 I'm having a good time doing what I'm doing.
01:32:21.100 And, you know, that having, I love seeing Joe once a month.
01:32:28.540 Oh, yeah.
01:32:29.220 It's perfect for me. 1.00
01:32:29.940 Two, three days of Joe talking some shit, smoking some dope in the green room. 0.99
01:32:34.660 It's not even that. 0.99
01:32:35.460 I like going to Sunset and hanging out with Red Band.
01:32:37.920 Yeah.
01:32:38.260 You know, I'm going to start going more to Creek in the Cave. 1.00
01:32:40.260 I got to start going over there and torturing Rebecca. 1.00
01:32:42.780 It's a nice little comedy community. 0.94
01:32:44.720 And for guys like us, we're right there.
01:32:47.380 You want to do another spot, go to the Vulcan.
01:32:49.580 Right.
01:32:49.940 And beside that, how many open mics are there there?
01:32:52.820 Oh, well, dude, you can go down there.
01:32:54.480 And what would take you a year in another city, I think you can do in four months down there.
01:32:59.740 Yeah, comedy-wise.
01:33:01.200 I really believe that.
01:33:02.320 Even in L.A., if you're popping around, it's still extra popping around, you know.
01:33:06.420 But there, you can manage it up and get it in, especially if you're really working on it.
01:33:10.260 You could do three spots by nine, good spots, in front of good audiences, 0.98
01:33:14.480 go to fucking Austin. 0.98
01:33:15.500 The show started at seven. 1.00
01:33:16.900 Some of them started at six.
01:33:19.180 It just, mathematically, it just made sense.
01:33:22.980 The more I kept going on there and seeing my hotel bills, seeing this,
01:33:26.800 I'm like, I need a pad.
01:33:28.100 And then I went to Red Band's building.
01:33:29.940 Have you gotten to that building?
01:33:30.760 Uh-uh.
01:33:31.660 And that's why I picked an apartment.
01:33:33.020 I'm in Red Band's building. 0.99
01:33:34.520 I'm on the 44th fucking floor. 0.99
01:33:36.160 Is it fancy? 0.99
01:33:37.420 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:33:38.300 Fucking everything. 1.00
01:33:39.140 red light sauna downstairs cold plunge poker room fucking supermarket downstairs that if you need 1.00
01:33:46.640 food you can get the supermarket they got everything they do it all for your amazon returns 0.99
01:33:51.660 they'll return it for you oh my god put it in a room and they i have a bunch of shit i'd never 0.98
01:33:57.840 wanted and i just have it dude we started making ornaments out of some of it last year we fucking 0.98
01:34:03.920 hanging this shit on the tree of just amazon return there was so many you know the people 0.97
01:34:08.400 who come to our shows, love us, and they bring us gifts. 0.99
01:34:11.400 And I would just come home, put the gifts in the closet,
01:34:13.820 open what I could.
01:34:14.940 Yeah.
01:34:15.300 When I moved, I cleaned out that closet. 0.98
01:34:17.620 It was six feet deep with shit all the way to the back. 0.99
01:34:21.720 I opened up like two hours worth of packages. 0.99
01:34:23.980 Guess what I found?
01:34:24.760 I found $3,400 in cash.
01:34:26.680 And people would put money and cards to me.
01:34:29.660 You just paid $30 to come see me.
01:34:31.720 Why are you putting a $100 bill? 1.00
01:34:33.220 You're giving me more money than you paid for the fucking ticket. 0.99
01:34:36.180 But that's the people we have coming to our shows. 0.99
01:34:38.520 They're very grateful. 0.99
01:34:39.940 So you got to take the fucking extra leap. 0.99
01:34:42.100 They're going to be that cool. 0.99
01:34:43.180 When I opened that up, thank God, there was books.
01:34:46.000 People give me books, and I'd open them, and in the middle, it'd be 500 cash.
01:34:50.100 I had like two books like that.
01:34:51.080 Really?
01:34:51.840 A couple guys put the money at the end of the book. 1.00
01:34:53.960 Damn. 0.99
01:34:54.420 It was fun. 0.99
01:34:54.900 I got to look at some of them then.
01:34:56.160 I've had some books.
01:34:57.380 Yeah.
01:34:57.660 Would you do a monthly show down there?
01:34:59.380 Yeah, I got my dates already.
01:35:00.920 You do?
01:35:01.500 The first, third Thursday of the month, 7 o'clock, show in the big room.
01:35:05.620 And that's October?
01:35:07.280 October 15th, 16th.
01:35:10.520 Oh, man, I'll be down there.
01:35:11.480 November something and December.
01:35:13.300 I got booked.
01:35:14.280 And then what I'm doing is I'll do that room Thursday
01:35:16.920 and then hang out Friday and then Saturday.
01:35:19.800 CA is going to get me something I can go do,
01:35:21.460 like a casino or a theater.
01:35:23.360 And then I come home on Sunday.
01:35:25.260 November's interesting.
01:35:26.320 December's interesting because I'm going to do Tulsa, Houston,
01:35:29.200 and then I'm going right to Austin.
01:35:31.140 I'm going to stay there until like the 18th.
01:35:33.320 Finish out the year there.
01:35:34.440 When I come home, I'm home for Christmas.
01:35:36.760 Got it.
01:35:37.000 But my wife wants to go back down to the 26th of December.
01:35:40.240 Does she like it down there?
01:35:41.340 Yeah. 1.00
01:35:41.840 And my daughter really fucking liked it. 0.98
01:35:43.740 Really? 0.98
01:35:44.860 Remember, I was going to get a one-bedroom, and I'm like, ooh, one-bedroom. 0.99
01:35:47.740 I need some more fucking room. 0.99
01:35:49.060 You need some more room. 1.00
01:35:50.280 There we go.
01:35:50.740 Joey Diaz and Friends.
01:35:51.940 Look at Joe Rogan.
01:35:52.800 Look at the flyer. 0.99
01:35:54.180 It looks like they made it from fucking papier-mâché. 0.99
01:35:56.760 I got to talk to Adam. 0.99
01:35:58.380 Oh, yeah.
01:35:59.020 That's crazy.
01:35:59.300 I'm doing that. 1.00
01:36:00.140 Just one show a month covers my rent in the fucking plane ticket. 1.00
01:36:03.880 Yeah. 0.99
01:36:04.440 And I get to see friends.
01:36:05.660 I get to eat.
01:36:06.420 That's the biggest thing.
01:36:07.880 You get to watch and see people.
01:36:09.200 That's the thing I start to notice, man.
01:36:10.900 You know, I had to take some time.
01:36:12.260 Like, thankfully, I've had some time off.
01:36:14.280 I was having, like, I tried to get on new meds.
01:36:17.040 I tried to get off of my meds.
01:36:18.980 And I was trying, like, different plant medicine stuff.
01:36:20.900 Because I really wanted to get off meds.
01:36:22.480 Right.
01:36:22.820 You know, I've always wanted to.
01:36:24.320 Because I got on them 23 years ago because I was going through a bad time in a relationship. 1.00
01:36:28.880 And I've still been on them bitches. 1.00
01:36:30.800 I went on one six years ago. 0.99
01:36:32.340 And I'm trying to get off it.
01:36:33.580 Yeah.
01:36:33.860 I don't even see it affecting me anymore. 0.84
01:36:35.940 Like, I don't even see if you work out and do all the other shit and you get. 0.58
01:36:44.320 Somebody watching Jaws, is it affecting us or no? 0.98
01:36:46.720 We're good.
01:36:46.840 No.
01:36:51.500 Yeah, but it'll be so good down there, dude.
01:36:54.440 And it's like, yeah, but yeah, I had to take a little.
01:36:56.420 Listen, man, when I went, I told you what happened last time.
01:36:58.940 I was headed down there Saturday at 10 in the morning.
01:37:02.120 That night, I get home from whatever I'm doing.
01:37:04.000 I open up Instagram to see what's going on, and you made a pop,
01:37:07.320 and I'm like, I didn't want to call you to tell you I was coming down.
01:37:10.860 I want to give you a hug and surprise you.
01:37:12.500 Yeah.
01:37:12.960 So when I went down Saturday, that's all I was doing,
01:37:16.120 and I went to do a show on the other side of town,
01:37:18.900 and somebody goes, Theo's at the mothership right now.
01:37:22.980 All right, mothership?
01:37:23.680 Yeah, and I said, all right, let me shoot over there. 1.00
01:37:25.400 And when I got there, they said, you just missed the motherfucker. 1.00
01:37:28.340 Oh. 0.99
01:37:29.000 And I stayed there for an hour, and then they called back again.
01:37:31.680 They're like, we're all at whatever.
01:37:33.500 Betty. 0.92
01:37:34.180 Becky, come on down.
01:37:37.660 You know?
01:37:38.100 Yeah.
01:37:38.440 Theo's down there.
01:37:39.540 That's when I got on the bicycle with the five girls.
01:37:41.700 One of them was my niece.
01:37:43.280 One of them was Carly, my partner.
01:37:45.980 Yeah.
01:37:46.300 And then there was Christina Mariani, who was.
01:37:49.300 She's the best. 0.69
01:37:50.000 She's the best. 0.93
01:37:50.880 And little Orr. 1.00
01:37:52.020 And I had a blast with those bitches. 1.00
01:37:53.900 They took me to fucking Betsy. 1.00
01:37:55.860 We walked out of that at 4.30 in the morning. 0.99
01:37:58.260 I haven't stayed out past one in 20 years.
01:38:01.000 Yeah.
01:38:01.300 And here I am in Austin, Texas, 4.30 in the morning, not even sweating, not even, I had a couple cocktails in me.
01:38:08.620 That was it.
01:38:09.260 But I had the best time.
01:38:10.600 And that's the other thing, man.
01:38:13.240 I got to do a lot to find happiness in town.
01:38:16.080 Because at my age, the biggest thing you want to have is communication in your day.
01:38:20.060 It's great.
01:38:20.540 You want to be alone?
01:38:21.320 That's great.
01:38:21.840 But you have to communicate with other people.
01:38:24.180 That's why I go to gyms in the morning.
01:38:25.680 Oh, isolation is bad.
01:38:26.400 I go to boxing gyms.
01:38:27.560 At this age, it's the biggest thing that'll get you.
01:38:29.940 It's boredom and not having social.
01:38:31.880 I'm 20 years older than the other dads in my block.
01:38:34.680 I get it.
01:38:35.380 Right. 1.00
01:38:35.920 I'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them. 1.00
01:38:37.800 And when they talk, I don't know what they're talking about either. 0.99
01:38:40.360 So the only people I have are a couple girls that are my friends, like moms.
01:38:44.900 Yeah. 0.98
01:38:45.280 That I've met through softball and shit. 0.94
01:38:47.080 They'll call me and say, we're meeting up here if you want to come by, have a drink. 0.93
01:38:50.960 Beside that, there's no guys who call me.
01:38:53.300 Wow.
01:38:54.040 I got like three neighborhood girls.
01:38:55.400 dude my friend yeah one of my friends ended up working with me so now we're co-workers which
01:38:59.420 is nice we're still friends but we it's working also so there's part of that always in it one of
01:39:03.940 my good friends he was playing football there and now he he graduated over there he was playing at
01:39:08.880 college and then uh some other friends have moved out of there so yeah nashville's like
01:39:14.260 it's good but i don't have as much of that like i got a good bible study over there though but i
01:39:19.200 don't have some of that like day-to-day contact that i want but and aaa's gotten better over
01:39:24.020 there. So that's been good for me. How are you doing with the program? Let's talk about it.
01:39:28.940 Yeah, it was getting choppy, man. I'd had some tough times this summer, you know, but it's
01:39:33.800 gotten better. Sorry. No worries. It's gotten better, man. Um, yeah, I don't know. I think
01:39:41.300 it was just like, I don't know what was going on. Life just fucking got kind of crazy at certain 0.87
01:39:46.200 points. Just like sometimes there's just a lot going on and it was just like, you know, I got 0.96
01:39:52.760 away from my program. You know, I think there was a point to where I think over the years where I
01:39:57.320 was just touring too, it was just too much, you know, and you don't like, I guess you do know,
01:40:02.540 but I don't know. Some of you just learn them for the first time. You're like, I don't know
01:40:07.300 what's going on here. You know, you make some money. You don't know what that's like, you know,
01:40:11.760 popularity. Some of the, some things get scary. Um, but yeah, I, I just gotten away from my
01:40:18.040 program you know and so i had to lock back in and so now it's been good um because most of the time
01:40:24.000 i've had it's been has been sober time you know it's just when you you know it's just i've had
01:40:29.820 yeah more recently it's just it's been choppier than i would than i would want um this is very 0.91
01:40:38.260 much you do the same shit every day to get you to where you're going and for me ever since i moved 0.98
01:40:44.760 I'm not going to lie to you. 0.99
01:40:45.920 Six years ago, I was struggling with mental health.
01:40:49.240 Signed up and spoke to a therapist.
01:40:51.500 Went on some type of medication.
01:40:54.500 It was not good.
01:40:55.840 I looked you in the face and tell you I got dark when I left L.A. 0.99
01:40:59.700 And then that shit where my mother started, she never showed up. 0.99
01:41:03.360 So it was like a long 18 months. 0.99
01:41:05.960 And therapy really helped me. 0.99
01:41:08.040 I figured out what the trouble fucking spots are. 0.97
01:41:10.580 And if I wake up at 3 in the morning and Theo's on my mind, there's a problem. 0.99
01:41:15.600 I have to talk to Theo.
01:41:16.800 Yeah.
01:41:17.100 I used to ignore those things. 1.00
01:41:19.460 You know, I would get up to piss at 3 in the morning and go, fuck. 1.00
01:41:22.720 I'm thinking about this date I took and I shouldn't have and all that shit. 1.00
01:41:26.300 Right. 0.85
01:41:26.660 And once you start getting a lot of those in my life, something's not right.
01:41:29.740 So I had to eliminate those.
01:41:31.540 Like something happened last week.
01:41:32.580 I woke up two nights in a row thinking about something. 0.99
01:41:35.440 I got up this week and cleaned that shit up instead of letting it ride. 0.99
01:41:39.540 Right. 0.99
01:41:40.000 Can't do that.
01:41:40.660 Because I was so busy with comedy and being a dad and podcasting.
01:41:44.400 that you overlook a lot of things so and right now i'm about to do that again at the age of 63
01:41:50.160 with podcasting and stuff like that so i just had to learn how to take care of my mental
01:41:58.220 i started paying attention to a lot more anything that jolts me a little bit i'm done with yeah
01:42:04.240 you know i was doing great in la i was doing theaters two theaters every weekend two podcasts 0.91
01:42:10.580 a week eight spots a fucking week i'm doing all these fucking things and now and i wasn't happy 0.97
01:42:18.240 i just was not fucking happy wow i didn't like how things were being handled in my life 0.99
01:42:23.360 i didn't like the bullshit that was going with it so i said you know what i switched agents i stayed 0.98
01:42:29.240 with caa nothing with the other agent i just didn't like how we were doing business i didn't 0.99
01:42:34.480 like i shouldn't cringe when you call me i shouldn't look at the phone and go fuck what's 1.00
01:42:39.000 this motherfucker want. 1.00
01:42:39.960 And that's what was happening. 0.99
01:42:41.100 So I had to go back and clean all that up.
01:42:43.400 And I decided I'm going to do comedy,
01:42:45.080 but it's not corporate comedy.
01:42:47.040 It's 63. 0.99
01:42:48.080 I don't give a fuck if I get canceled. 0.99
01:42:49.840 Yeah. 0.99
01:42:50.420 I don't give a fuck about anything, as a matter of fact. 0.96
01:42:52.540 There's only one thing I care about, 0.92
01:42:53.940 is being funny and making sure those people
01:42:55.960 have a great show.
01:42:57.540 I don't have Netflix on my mind.
01:42:59.140 I don't want to do a special.
01:43:00.920 I don't want to do much.
01:43:01.880 I got an audition for a voiceover.
01:43:03.380 I'm going to do it.
01:43:04.080 It's for Ghostbusters.
01:43:05.460 That I'll do.
01:43:06.340 But everything else, I'm not in the corporate mood
01:43:08.620 anymore i'm not in the mood where people are coming up to me with three people after the show 0.99
01:43:12.820 you're great i'm not in the mood for that shit yeah that's a bunch of fucking regalia that's 0.99
01:43:17.160 just a bunch of shit to take you off your game so now this is why i incorporated austin in my life 0.99
01:43:23.080 incorporated what i'm doing now i'm just going to be funny at 63 and i have an 18th month window 0.99
01:43:28.760 until i turn 65 and that goal is to give it all out balls out and try to be the best i can until
01:43:35.200 I'm 65, then I'll see what ticket sales are and everything else,
01:43:39.300 and I'll reevaluate.
01:43:41.560 I'm a lucky 63-year-old because right now I'm supposed to be on a ship.
01:43:45.580 Meanwhile, I'm out here hand-picking gigs that are offered at me,
01:43:48.960 casinos, they pay well, you know, little residencies.
01:43:52.940 Oh, yeah, you can do something.
01:43:54.600 Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities.
01:43:55.620 So why am I stressing?
01:43:57.620 I was doing the road completely different before.
01:44:00.080 It was corporate, and it was business.
01:44:02.580 I was only there to pick up a check on Saturday.
01:44:04.740 I was not happy until that check came in my hand.
01:44:08.020 I don't look at it like that no more. 0.99
01:44:09.600 I don't even want the fucking check. 0.98
01:44:11.180 I want to have a good time. 0.99
01:44:12.960 If I don't have a good time, why have the check?
01:44:15.020 Yeah.
01:44:15.640 I'm just, so that's my outlook now with this window.
01:44:20.020 Somebody asked me why five-year window, and I'm like,
01:44:22.620 I'm 63, I got one from the gray, one of the banana peel,
01:44:25.060 there ain't no window. 1.00
01:44:26.000 It's like a fucking flea window. 1.00
01:44:28.360 It's a doggy door. 1.00
01:44:29.340 Yeah, it's a doggy door.
01:44:30.800 But then I said, no, you have to live with some type of purpose.
01:44:34.740 and you have to have some type of purpose
01:44:36.140 where you stand up.
01:44:37.320 And this is what I'm doing.
01:44:38.580 I'm happy to hear that, man.
01:44:40.360 Yeah.
01:44:40.740 I'm glad, dude.
01:44:41.480 Because, yeah, and we need your energy there
01:44:42.980 and I need to hear that.
01:44:44.140 Because, yeah, I'm getting back.
01:44:45.420 It's like I'm taking some time off, you know.
01:44:48.040 We put a special together
01:44:49.820 that's going to come out at some point soon.
01:44:51.400 But, yeah, I'm just taking some time off.
01:44:53.140 I just started getting back on stage.
01:44:54.580 I got up with Giannis Papas a couple weeks ago, dude.
01:44:57.360 Okay.
01:44:57.900 Bro, that was one of the, he's one of the funniest.
01:45:00.960 He's a funny dude, Giannis Papas. 0.99
01:45:02.740 He does not fuck around. 0.99
01:45:04.200 Bro, his show right now is probably one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. 1.00
01:45:10.040 Really?
01:45:10.380 The tour he's doing now?
01:45:11.760 It was so good, man.
01:45:12.940 All right, so you jumped on stage with Giannis and Austin that night.
01:45:16.040 Yeah.
01:45:16.520 Right.
01:45:17.220 Yeah.
01:45:17.380 You went up before his set.
01:45:18.960 Yeah.
01:45:19.380 Okay, yeah, he's a fun guy.
01:45:20.600 He's a good guy.
01:45:21.560 And I like Joe DeRosa.
01:45:22.840 There's a lot of guys down there that I really think the world of.
01:45:26.260 Yeah.
01:45:26.380 Like they're young comics.
01:45:27.780 And they're young energy.
01:45:28.860 If you're young and want to kill, you want to be a hustler, you want to be in it, they're
01:45:32.520 down there, man.
01:45:33.160 And that energy is really good for guys my age.
01:45:36.060 We both have something to give each other.
01:45:38.080 I have the wisdom of 30 years that if they ask me a question,
01:45:40.980 I can put them at ease.
01:45:42.080 Yeah.
01:45:42.540 And they have the gift of making me feel young.
01:45:45.100 Amen.
01:45:45.480 Giving me the opportunity to go up there and rock like I was 24.
01:45:48.200 Like you're saying, being around people gives you energy, bro.
01:45:52.060 Energy.
01:45:52.600 Yeah.
01:45:53.020 It's like I'll go hang out around like I'm a Vanderbilt football fan.
01:45:57.120 Right.
01:45:57.300 I see that.
01:45:58.040 I like LSU because that's obviously where I'm from.
01:46:00.240 But Vanderbilt's the city that I live in, right?
01:46:02.340 they play out of nashville and so like last year i would go i went to like nine of their games last
01:46:07.000 year on the road at home i mean they played 11 games i went to nine they played 12 i went to nine
01:46:12.120 and it just gave me so much life because you're the surround energy surround it but it's a maximum 0.69
01:46:17.960 and that's real college football is real energy doc yeah that's not fucking around that's you know
01:46:23.400 i tell people you don't know what life is till you go to a college football oh yes nfl is the nfl 0.60
01:46:28.100 Yeah.
01:46:28.520 College, you feel the love in the air.
01:46:30.680 Everybody's having a good time. 1.00
01:46:31.860 Somebody's got their fucking tits out. 1.00
01:46:33.180 Yeah, always at those games. 1.00
01:46:35.060 One girl isn't doing a somersault, and she's fucking beautiful. 1.00
01:46:38.420 Oh, you could throw your dick into the crowd 1.00
01:46:39.960 and it'll land in some girl's ass. 1.00
01:46:41.340 Yeah, you could feel something that's unlike pro football. 1.00
01:46:46.660 Oh, yeah, it's something real.
01:46:48.180 Which is real, you know?
01:46:49.400 Pro football's turning into just more gambling
01:46:51.020 and people just trying to, like, you know,
01:46:53.580 people trying to just gamble
01:46:54.960 and just probably lie to their spouse or whatever.
01:46:57.980 Um, but it's definitely, yeah, pro football's turning it into a bit more of a racket.
01:47:02.400 Um, what I wanted to talk to you about before I left was our plan for, uh, the future.
01:47:08.640 I love you a lot.
01:47:09.820 You're like a stepson to me.
01:47:11.180 And, uh, when I bumped into you in Austin, you said something to me that night that really
01:47:15.600 made me think.
01:47:16.680 And then I started counting for you.
01:47:19.380 I started counting the days for you to give you as much support as I can give you.
01:47:24.400 I'm not there all the time.
01:47:25.560 Yeah.
01:47:26.080 I'm not there all the time.
01:47:27.240 and I really want you to do well with this now.
01:47:29.920 I really want you to put your,
01:47:31.420 because you have a whole world ahead of you
01:47:33.560 that you don't know,
01:47:34.340 and I'm going to explain it to you now.
01:47:36.300 I did cocaine from 1979 to 2007.
01:47:40.620 What's that?
01:47:42.320 That's 21 years plus seven is 28 years.
01:47:46.040 28 years.
01:47:46.760 28 years I had that in my body.
01:47:49.120 It was in my thought,
01:47:50.420 and it does affect you.
01:47:51.600 Yeah.
01:47:52.140 You know, it's not just one package once a week.
01:47:54.300 Now you're doing five packages a week,
01:47:56.140 and it starts becoming you.
01:47:57.820 I ended up kidnapping somebody.
01:47:59.620 I ended up paying my debt to society.
01:48:02.040 And what did I do when I came out?
01:48:03.320 I went right back to the bank. 0.99
01:48:04.560 Oh, dude, I fucking, yeah. 0.99
01:48:06.240 And I started comedy during the bank. 0.99
01:48:07.820 I got married.
01:48:08.420 I got divorced.
01:48:09.700 I was dead broke.
01:48:10.740 I went through hell for a lot of years.
01:48:12.280 And you were in the bag the whole time? 1.00
01:48:14.040 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00
01:48:14.800 There was no stopping or nothing. 1.00
01:48:16.480 There was always a bag.
01:48:18.120 I got divorced.
01:48:19.140 I don't talk to that daughter.
01:48:20.640 It's been 20-something years since I've spoken to that daughter.
01:48:23.260 Yeah.
01:48:23.700 All because of that patch of life.
01:48:25.200 but I want you to think about what I'm telling you.
01:48:27.840 At 44, I made a decision to stop snorting coke.
01:48:31.240 That was 19 years ago.
01:48:32.840 This November will be 19 years.
01:48:35.680 I want to tell you what I've accomplished in 19 years
01:48:38.880 to what I accomplished in 44 years.
01:48:42.180 It's not even close.
01:48:43.800 Wow.
01:48:44.340 Marriage, a child, a career, podcasting. 1.00
01:48:47.880 I did all these things in that little fucking window. 0.98
01:48:51.120 So every morning when I wake up, my regret is, 0.99
01:48:53.500 I wish I had 15 more of those years to see what the damage I could have done
01:48:58.460 or how high I could have worked if I would have ended up in arenas or whatever.
01:49:02.460 I'm content with what God gave me.
01:49:04.620 I'm grateful for what I don't have and for what I do have.
01:49:08.340 Even if you have a cocktail one time, even if you decide to eat a 10-milligram edible, 0.97
01:49:14.580 I'm talking about the shit that gets us down the most, 0.99
01:49:17.720 the drug that has driven us down the most is what you have to get out of your system. 1.00
01:49:22.860 And Jesus Christ, in 19 years, I became a dad, the saint.
01:49:27.560 Was it stuff you never thought you could do?
01:49:29.480 Never.
01:49:30.320 Wow.
01:49:31.340 Never.
01:49:32.060 And you get this superpower.
01:49:35.000 You get to see who the real you was.
01:49:37.580 Yeah.
01:49:38.140 Once you uncover that thing, what's about to come out,
01:49:42.160 if you stick to the program, what's work in the program?
01:49:44.980 I have to go to a meeting eight times a day. 1.00
01:49:47.020 That's bullshit. 1.00
01:49:47.820 Yeah. 1.00
01:49:48.480 I want you to go to a meeting once a day.
01:49:50.120 I want you to wake up every day with the intention that you're there to make someone's day.
01:49:54.680 Whether you give them $1,000 or open up a car door for them so their day is better.
01:50:00.760 Sobriety isn't just fighting off the devil. 0.99
01:50:03.540 It's us amorphing into the new us and figuring out what the fuck the drugs have covered. 0.97
01:50:09.920 What views have been covered by the drugs? 0.97
01:50:12.720 What part of our lives have been hidden?
01:50:15.080 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:50:15.640 and that's when you're gonna a woman will pop into your life she gets knocked up in two months 0.76
01:50:20.760 and she's gonna give you twins and they're beautiful two girls you know this is the things
01:50:25.240 that i'm saying to you you just brings at me yeah because your options are so much
01:50:31.960 when you're sober from the that almost killed you i mean how long was i going to continue
01:50:36.840 to do it bro how long was i going to go to prison again or how yeah put me in prison
01:50:41.960 you know and i still went out the next week that's the monster that addiction is but once 1.00
01:50:48.680 you cut that motherfucker's head off yeah the shit that comes out of you man it takes a while 1.00
01:50:54.380 but you'll start thinking things i'm going i never thought like that before oh yeah i mean 1.00
01:51:00.040 the best times i've ever had i think are the best that yeah the the time i've operated the best in
01:51:04.640 my life has been times when i've been sober you know and most of the time it's been that way but
01:51:11.020 it's like when it's gotten off where it hasn't been it's definitely it's been tough you know
01:51:15.560 and then you start to get isolated too that never helped me um sometimes it was like over
01:51:20.700 touring that didn't help me um but yeah i've always gone to meetings you know i just had
01:51:25.860 there was just there was a time where yeah like in the past probably six months has been tough
01:51:31.280 to keep a lot of time together you know but uh but now it's it's back on track and so that's
01:51:37.240 and the best feeling, but I appreciate that.
01:51:39.400 I got your back, man. 0.99
01:51:40.480 I got your fucking, even though I'm 20 miles, 1.00
01:51:43.000 2,000 miles without you, 1.00
01:51:44.940 I think about you three, four times a week.
01:51:47.100 I don't like bothering you because I know you're on, 0.98
01:51:49.480 you're in different time zones every 15 fucking minutes. 0.99
01:51:52.160 You're in a different time zone. 0.99
01:51:53.240 Yeah.
01:51:53.580 But I want you to know I have your back.
01:51:55.200 I'm cheering for you because I really want you
01:51:57.900 to get the happiness that you've been looking for
01:52:00.280 for years, for years. 0.99
01:52:02.680 It might not be a woman. 0.91
01:52:04.160 It might not be a kid.
01:52:05.780 It might not be a horse. 0.99
01:52:07.240 you're going to feel this is way better than the peptide yeah no peptide no blowjob nothing can make 0.99
01:52:13.780 you feel what you're about to feel once those fucking rocks start getting out of the way and 0.99
01:52:19.620 the real you comes out what did you notice for yourself like was there one kind of thing or two 0.96
01:52:25.480 things that really was something right off the bat that i had forgotten in all my addiction 0.96
01:52:29.640 the first thing i forgot was that i was a fucking man and there's a certain way to talk to me there's 0.94
01:52:36.820 a certain way not to talk to me whether you're a talent agent a producer a director you're gonna 0.96
01:52:41.620 talk to me a certain way and i'm gonna give you the same mutual respect and i remember one that 0.66
01:52:46.240 i flipped out of the fucking direct on a commercial shoot and everybody loved it because the guy went 0.79
01:52:51.260 he's one of those guys that comes up with the sleeves rolled up to show the tattoo and oh yeah 0.99
01:52:56.520 with the feather and the chinese assistant some fake ass orphan or whatever and i found myself 0.99
01:53:01.760 sticking up for myself more not giving a fuck about because what i really gave a fuck wasn't 0.97
01:53:06.300 ruining my career it was ruining my little secret but i'm not i might not be able i'm not going to 0.98
01:53:11.480 stick up for myself because i won't be able to snort coke three nights from now once i didn't 0.99
01:53:16.440 have that no more i became a fucking animal that's it you're gonna treat me like a man bitch i'm not 1.00
01:53:21.500 one of these motherfuckers in studio city oh my god i brought you a cake nah yeah i got talent 1.00
01:53:26.680 motherfucker all right i don't have to show up with nothing right it was things like that that 1.00
01:53:31.460 I started, like, in L.A., I started, you know, people call you, 0.99
01:53:34.540 hey, it's 3.40 in the afternoon.
01:53:37.060 You want to go to this audition at 6 downtown?
01:53:39.640 Can I ask you a question?
01:53:40.560 Would you send your mother down there at 6?
01:53:42.260 Yeah.
01:53:42.560 Why are you sending me down there? 1.00
01:53:43.680 Fuck you. 1.00
01:53:44.560 Fuck you. 1.00
01:53:45.340 Yeah. 1.00
01:53:45.880 Sticking up for yourself, not in a weird way.
01:53:48.300 Nuh-uh.
01:53:48.620 I'm very appreciative that you got me on audition,
01:53:51.380 but just the things that Hollywood gets you confused.
01:53:54.420 Yeah.
01:53:55.280 They start tripping your brain up a little bit.
01:53:56.800 And when you see them, those guys are all the same.
01:53:59.040 Yeah. 0.99
01:53:59.280 They talk a big game until you say, how about I slap you in the mouth 0.99
01:54:02.200 and watch what happens. 0.99
01:54:03.460 The police get involved.
01:54:05.580 This is not right.
01:54:06.880 But when you did it, it was right. 1.00
01:54:08.520 When you walk around this set and embarrass people and talk to women. 1.00
01:54:12.960 Just f***ing around. 1.00
01:54:14.180 I heard the director tell a woman she was too fat. 1.00
01:54:16.320 Yeah. 1.00
01:54:16.880 I don't want you standing over there.
01:54:18.140 He didn't say nothing about the lighting.
01:54:20.020 He just blatantly, because he thought he could do that, 0.98
01:54:22.780 tell this girl that was like 28, you're too fat. 0.74
01:54:25.460 I can't have you stand there. 0.99
01:54:26.580 When I heard that, I was like, wow.
01:54:29.120 Yeah. 1.00
01:54:29.560 And you take that shit because you think that's part of your career. 1.00
01:54:32.220 You think it's part of it. 1.00
01:54:33.160 Fuck you, motherfucker. 1.00
01:54:34.380 Fuck you. 1.00
01:54:34.900 A lot of these Hollywood dudes, they get bad. 1.00
01:54:36.640 They give bad.
01:54:37.400 They give bad. 0.99
01:54:39.040 They give a bad name to real cool gay dudes and regular fat or whatever. 0.99
01:54:44.560 They ruin them. 1.00
01:54:45.520 Regular fat.
01:54:46.360 Because they're, you know what I'm saying? 0.99
01:54:48.160 Because they ruin them because they're trying to be fucking cool. 1.00
01:54:51.700 That shit was holding me back. 0.99
01:54:53.200 your original thoughts of how you feel whatever religion you're part of yeah there's something 0.99
01:54:57.960 that you paid attention to younger now you feel stronger about it yeah there's so many things that
01:55:03.080 you see that have been cut off from your life and you're like how did i forget that yeah how did i
01:55:09.040 forget this so yeah some disconnection in a nutshell i think it's hard but i want to be on
01:55:14.160 this planet when you start reaping the rewards from that because i want you to call me every 0.92
01:55:19.440 three months and go, Joey, this is getting fucking 0.98
01:55:21.420 crazy. Wow. This is getting 0.98
01:55:23.380 fucking crazy. I'm not talking about you involving 0.98
01:55:25.280 an orgy. Life is going to get
01:55:27.300 crazy. Yeah. Numbers are going to
01:55:29.380 start changing. People are going to start changing.
01:55:31.780 It gets real. And this is what
01:55:33.280 you were supposed to feel
01:55:34.900 since day one. When I
01:55:37.220 started coke and I do a show the next night,
01:55:39.580 it would be great. I would
01:55:41.260 kill, but I could feel the connection 0.74
01:55:43.340 wasn't there. I'm connected
01:55:45.220 now. I've been connected for
01:55:46.640 17 years now. Yeah. I know
01:55:49.260 exactly what passes through my mouth now it goes out so if i could give anything to anybody i want
01:55:55.420 you to feel that what i feel because i know it's going to solve 89 of your problems yeah i i could
01:56:01.860 promise you that i could i could gamble my life on that if you stick to this program you're on
01:56:06.740 right now a couple weights you're not doing like you don't have to become mr na and get a tattoo
01:56:11.300 and yeah no i don't need all of that you don't need all that just where your heart is 0.99
01:56:15.180 i'm gonna be a fucking killer you're a killer now i just need to keep my yeah i just got to 1.00
01:56:20.280 keep building more time and right now i don't know i clock you at 40 you're gonna have the last 1.00
01:56:25.480 20 years of your life be how you intended to live them and that's something i can't sell you and
01:56:30.620 that's something and they can't sell you and i love those programs because those programs
01:56:36.260 really help you i didn't like the hollywood na i went to it a couple times when i stopped
01:56:41.620 snort coke it would drive me back to snort coke because they don't adhere to the program well
01:56:47.840 sometimes they'd have dudes in there selling coke yeah they're selling coke they go to a doctor that
01:56:52.040 gives them replacement pills to get you high they all come up with the day i still remember being
01:56:57.200 at that meeting it was on uh i think a little off the no it was off of santa monica boulevard
01:57:04.940 yes i went to a couple of them there too many people had na tattoos yeah this is people have 0.99
01:57:11.220 like a bag of coke tattooed on them and shit like that have a fucking they had a gay dude in there 1.00
01:57:16.040 was always sucking on people he had a fucking big gulp tattooed that gay dude that big black dude 1.00
01:57:20.980 they call him the vacuum or whatever that motherfucker bro do not even take your wiener 1.00
01:57:26.800 out around that guy it'll end up in his mouth but yeah it was a trying time over there maybe trying 0.99
01:57:32.320 yeah but yeah dude thank you bro that's my gift to you because i love you you're the real deal
01:57:37.140 I've always loved you.
01:57:38.500 It's easy.
01:57:39.480 Love you too, bro.
01:57:40.040 That's what I want you to really get in your life.
01:57:42.500 I appreciate that, dude.
01:57:44.220 Yeah, I feel better than ever that I'm-
01:57:47.920 You look better than ever.
01:57:49.200 I can see it.
01:57:50.340 And this time, out of all the other times,
01:57:51.900 I see a little bit more confident in your eyes.
01:57:53.520 I watch your podcast, dog.
01:57:55.240 I watch you.
01:57:56.160 Whenever I see a video of you jumping up and down in Vanderbilt,
01:57:59.540 I look at you and I make sure you- 0.96
01:58:00.680 Oh, yeah, I was fucking gooning out there. 0.98
01:58:02.400 You ate last night. 0.95
01:58:04.640 Yeah, Lane Kiffin's got people out there.
01:58:06.780 Yeah, he's two losses away from probably getting busted for something.
01:58:10.580 But TBD, that's his life, dude.
01:58:13.200 That's it, brother.
01:58:13.900 He keeps things exciting.
01:58:16.340 What else?
01:58:16.840 I'm trying to think if there's anything else we want to talk about.
01:58:18.780 I mean, anything else you wanted to talk about, Joey?
01:58:21.740 No, I'm pretty good.
01:58:22.640 I got it out of my chest what I wanted for you and I love you, and that's it.
01:58:26.300 Appreciate it, bro. 0.99
01:58:26.840 We could promote some dates or whatever, but I don't give a fuck. 0.98
01:58:29.700 I have nothing in September. 0.98
01:58:31.700 I have the 30th in Brooklyn.
01:58:34.560 Can you pull his dates out?
01:58:36.780 And that's all I got, brother.
01:58:39.340 Just happy to be here with you.
01:58:40.680 I'm happy you came to New Jersey.
01:58:43.560 Yeah, right there.
01:58:44.340 We got Brooklyn, New York, September 30th.
01:58:47.400 Chicago Theater, November 5th.
01:58:49.820 I think for the Comedy Festival with Bert,
01:58:52.700 I think I got Riverside Theater in Milwaukee on the 7th.
01:58:57.540 Oh, that's going to be beautiful, dude.
01:58:59.200 So that's where I'm at. 0.96
01:59:00.400 But who gives a fuck about the dates? 0.91
01:59:02.660 We'll put them up. 0.96
01:59:03.460 Yeah, we'll figure this out, brother.
01:59:05.300 Coco Diaz, bro.
01:59:06.780 Love you, bro.
01:59:07.320 Love you, brother.
01:59:08.020 Thanks for thinking of me and have a great week.
01:59:10.020 And I'll see you in Austin.
01:59:11.800 I'll see you in Austin.
01:59:12.620 Next month.
01:59:13.180 Now I'm just floating on the breeze
01:59:16.360 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves
01:59:19.320 I must be cornerstone
01:59:22.620 Oh, but when I reach that ground
01:59:27.200 I'll share this peace of mind
01:59:29.360 I found I can feel it in my bones
01:59:33.520 But it's gonna take
01:59:36.020 We're in the night
01:59:42.760 It's just you and me, boy
01:59:44.960 Two soldiers bonded for life
01:59:48.340 Mayday! Mayday!
01:59:50.560 58 miles
01:59:51.540 No one's coming for us
01:59:53.000 When anyone else would quit
01:59:55.720 They'll do the impossible
01:59:58.240 I got you
01:59:59.860 And get home
02:00:00.720 heart of the beast is an uplifting triumph you're the greatest dog ever
02:00:06.100 bread i'll get you home heart of the beast now playing