This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Bert Kreischer 2

00:00:00.260 Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza is a specialty pizza shop.

00:00:06.860 And it's a shop where you can get that pie, boy.

00:00:09.780 So what I'm saying to you is go get it. If you think you can get some, then you can.

00:00:14.680 Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.

00:00:19.220 Gray Block, get that hitter.

00:00:21.840 Today's guest is the host of The Burt Cast and has a new comedy special on Netflix

00:00:27.980 which you should check out right now called Hey Big Boy.

00:00:32.320 It's the big boy himself, Mr. Burt Kreischer.

00:00:57.980 How about like Ron Artest got it?

00:00:59.880 Did he really? I've seen him swimming before. I've seen the way he swims. I'm not surprised he

00:01:03.700 stroked his way into something. He swims well, but not like I would swim.

00:01:09.380 You'd think those basketball players would be Olympic swimmers.

00:01:12.480 Yeah, well you could really, first of all, getting in the pool, you're a third of the way there.

00:01:16.280 Dude, I had a joke. Tell me when you're rolling.

00:01:19.100 We are.

00:01:19.580 Okay, perfect. I had a joke in my last special Secret Time.

00:01:23.460 Not this special, Hey Big Boy, which is streaming right now.

00:01:26.120 Which is streaming right now.

00:01:26.840 Right now.

00:01:27.480 Yeah.

00:01:27.800 In my last special, this is a true story.

00:01:30.720 Ralph Sampson. Do you remember Ralph Sampson?

00:01:32.360 Ralph Sampson, basketball player. He died of cocaine.

00:01:34.460 No, that's...

00:01:35.460 That's Len Bias.

00:01:38.260 Len Bias.

00:01:39.200 Close.

00:01:40.360 R.I.P., man.

00:01:43.160 He died, bro.

00:01:46.680 Yep, Ralph Sampson.

00:01:48.420 This is a true story.

00:01:49.140 By the way, it was the end of my Netflix special so no one watched it.

00:01:51.840 But he gave a speech to us when we were at Villanova for basketball camp.

00:02:00.360 And the two takeaways was, number one, he works hard.

00:02:04.360 Number two, he can't swim.

00:02:05.820 That was like he never learned how to swim.

00:02:07.180 Work hard, can't swim. It's his new special.

00:02:08.940 Yeah, work hard, can't swim.

00:02:10.180 He said the whole time his sister learned how to swim, he just practiced dribbling and basketball.

00:02:14.240 Never learned how to swim.

00:02:15.640 And my whole thing, I'm sitting and listening to this speech and I go,

00:02:18.800 who the fuck needs to learn how to swim when you're seven feet tall?

00:02:21.840 Anywhere in the pool, you're still halfway out of the water.

00:02:24.520 But by the way, these basketball players would make such great swimmers.

00:02:28.360 Manuk Boll, that fucking stroke, he'd be scraping his knuckles on the bottom of the pool.

00:02:33.340 He could grab onto the pool and just drag himself across.

00:02:36.440 Oh, he's built like Slenderman, dude.

00:02:38.100 Have you ever seen Slenderman?

00:02:39.140 I have seen Slenderman.

00:02:40.800 Manuk Boll is very much built like Slenderman.

00:02:42.660 Let me turn my fucking phone off.

00:02:44.760 I love turning my phone off these days.

00:02:46.600 Oh, it's so nice.

00:02:47.280 So I was just in Maui, man.

00:02:48.340 My phone was off a lot.

00:02:49.780 You were in Maui?

00:02:50.560 Yeah.

00:02:50.920 I love Maui.

00:02:52.580 Dude, how nice is it?

00:02:54.040 By the way, all that's happening is Siri is going, you love Maui?

00:02:57.100 Yeah.

00:02:58.520 Dude, the phones won't even go off.

00:02:59.920 If you set your phone and say, hey, Siri, turn my phone off, it can't do it.

00:03:03.040 I don't know how to turn an iPhone off.

00:03:05.400 Yeah.

00:03:05.920 I've never turned it off.

00:03:06.960 You just hold this button, right?

00:03:08.040 You have to hold both buttons, the other top button.

00:03:09.820 Oh, for real?

00:03:10.480 It's that screen grab button, too, the whole time.

00:03:12.420 You have to hold it for like three seconds.

00:03:13.620 Oh, there you go.

00:03:14.740 I've never turned my phone off.

00:03:16.520 It says a lot about my personality.

00:03:18.160 Yeah.

00:03:18.620 Yeah, all this coronavirus going on, and my phone was like, you've actually spent 60% less

00:03:23.940 time on your phone.

00:03:24.720 Oh, really?

00:03:25.420 Yeah.

00:03:25.740 That's pretty cool.

00:03:26.960 It's because of the special, and all press was taken away.

00:03:31.300 Oh, yeah.

00:03:32.620 Zero press, dude.

00:03:33.420 But now, were you excited because people are at home, they need something to watch?

00:03:37.040 I wouldn't say excited, because it's true, but my parents and all my parents' friends

00:03:41.600 are at home, but they're not at home in a fun way.

00:03:44.060 They're in a home in a scared way.

00:03:46.360 And so, for me, I would much rather have done the press I had set up, done the promotion

00:03:52.980 I had set up, all the marketing I had set up.

00:03:55.040 Dude, I had such a fucking great plan.

00:03:57.000 I was going to do the call and stick to work show.

00:03:58.580 I texted you about that, right?

00:04:00.040 Call and stick to work show yesterday, St. Paddy's Day.

00:04:02.580 Doors open at 10, show starts at 11, me, Bill Burr, Jim Jeffries, Sebastian Maniscalco,

00:04:08.120 you, D'Elia, Tom Segura.

00:04:10.860 The list goes on.

00:04:11.860 Joe Coy, everyone, right?

00:04:13.520 Wow.

00:04:13.740 Didn't release the names on the tickets.

00:04:15.480 Just send it out to my fans on my phone number, 323-208-0844.

00:04:20.040 Send it out to them, said, get tickets.

00:04:21.920 Sold out immediately.

00:04:23.180 Do a live podcast in the OR.

00:04:25.240 Tiger Belly.

00:04:26.180 Oh, my God.

00:04:26.640 Who wouldn't see that live?

00:04:27.760 Me and Bill Burr live in the OR.

00:04:29.660 We had all this shit planned, and then they called it.

00:04:32.460 That's huge.

00:04:32.840 They called it.

00:04:33.540 And by the way, now this is the inside baseball part.

00:04:36.420 This is where my brain works.

00:04:37.480 David Spade, Norm MacDonald coming by, stop by for the call and stick to work show.

00:04:41.700 I don't know if David was touch and go.

00:04:43.020 But my plan was, this is the way my brain works.

00:04:46.940 You throw in this call and stick to work show.

00:04:48.360 You split all the money with the comics.

00:04:49.420 You don't need the money, right?

00:04:50.680 Right.

00:04:50.940 Tip all the money out to all the comics.

00:04:52.240 And then all you ask for all your friends is, yo, give me a shout out on your social media.

00:04:56.540 And then you get in front of like 70 million people on Instagram, fucking 20 million people,

00:05:01.720 100 million people on Twitter that'll go, hey, check out my boy, Burr Chrysler.

00:05:05.180 He's got a special streaming.

00:05:06.420 That's my marketing.

00:05:07.620 Boom.

00:05:07.840 Coronavirus, I did not fucking.

00:05:11.480 It took you.

00:05:12.900 Do you feel, do you feel like slighted?

00:05:16.160 Do you feel, do you feel taken advantage of?

00:05:18.480 No, I'm cool.

00:05:19.240 Do you feel like coronavirus is, are you really 100% sold on it?

00:05:27.240 Yeah.

00:05:28.640 Here's what they just came out today and they said like blood type O doesn't get it.

00:05:34.200 Like you just, you don't, you may get it.

00:05:35.660 You may be a carrier, but you don't feel it.

00:05:37.420 That's, by the way, news is always changing.

00:05:38.660 I'm not a fucking doctor.

00:05:39.580 Right.

00:05:40.140 But, but yeah, I mean.

00:05:42.400 Who said it?

00:05:42.940 Dr. Gupta?

00:05:43.660 That guy always trips me out, bro.

00:05:45.980 I want to see the horse side of Sanjay Gupta.

00:05:48.640 Cause you know, he was one of the five doctors going, Hey man, can you get me on your TV

00:05:52.080 show?

00:05:52.480 Can you get me on your TV show?

00:05:53.840 But he always seems cool and collected.

00:05:55.640 Like, you know, he's such a thought, bro.

00:05:57.580 He's such a fucking, I know he's such a thought.

00:05:59.660 He was hip Indian way before hip Indians.

00:06:01.880 Yeah.

00:06:02.360 I do.

00:06:02.800 Sanjay Gupta is probably the first famous Indian guy.

00:06:06.260 Oh, how easy is it to be a hip Indian though?

00:06:09.120 It's like the, it seems like the easiest thing to do.

00:06:11.880 No, it's gotta be hard.

00:06:12.920 Cause your parents don't want you to be hip Indian.

00:06:14.540 Oh no, there you go.

00:06:15.500 Okay.

00:06:15.760 So like Russell Peters, hip Indian.

00:06:17.280 Yeah.

00:06:17.540 MIA, hip Indian.

00:06:19.300 This guy named Shonk that I know, this guy that used to go to UCLA, dude is hip, bro.

00:06:27.540 He wears like four pairs of sunglasses, man.

00:06:29.620 He's fucking hip.

00:06:30.760 Pulls out his wiener, sunglasses on it.

00:06:33.160 Yeah.

00:06:33.520 So the thing about Indians, you don't know, stereotype that they don't get out there, big

00:06:37.100 dicks.

00:06:37.540 Nuh-uh.

00:06:38.160 Really big dicks.

00:06:39.660 Russell Peters told me.

00:06:40.780 Well, I guess that's probably like a.

00:06:44.040 I guess I'm taking it from the guy.

00:06:46.080 Yeah, dude.

00:06:46.840 You gotta learn.

00:06:47.800 He's like, I don't know if you know this, but they got big dicks.

00:06:51.120 And you're like, shut up.

00:06:52.460 Are you serious?

00:06:53.540 Bro, everybody's starting to get on this big dick train.

00:06:56.780 I feel like.

00:06:57.000 You know, big dicks used to be, that was a way to oppress minorities is to say they

00:07:03.140 did it with the Jews first.

00:07:04.560 I don't know if this is 100% true.

00:07:07.000 Yeah.

00:07:07.200 Don't worry, dude.

00:07:07.780 This whole podcast has gone that direction already.

00:07:10.220 So I think we're safe, dude.

00:07:11.560 The Egyptians said it about the Jews.

00:07:14.140 They have big dicks.

00:07:14.840 I don't know if you've seen Ari Shaffir's dick.

00:07:16.160 It's fucking massive.

00:07:17.220 Uh-uh.

00:07:17.680 He's got a big fucking dick.

00:07:18.720 Really?

00:07:19.100 A really big dick.

00:07:20.380 But also, he looks like he would have a dick that doesn't look right.

00:07:24.180 It doesn't.

00:07:25.280 Yeah.

00:07:25.760 It doesn't.

00:07:26.260 And his balls look weird and his asshole bleeds.

00:07:28.160 Yeah, dude.

00:07:28.980 Ugh.

00:07:29.860 So yeah, if I'm his dick.

00:07:31.160 Can you imagine fucking Ari Shaffir?

00:07:32.580 You think his dick's longer?

00:07:33.580 It looks like it's trying to get off of his body.

00:07:35.500 Because that's two totally different things, man.

00:07:37.480 Oh, and he's got dick that goes right off the body.

00:07:39.460 Like, his dick is right off the body.

00:07:41.500 Right.

00:07:41.640 My dick's got body around it, like, pushing it back.

00:07:45.000 Yeah.

00:07:45.340 So like.

00:07:46.380 Oh, okay.

00:07:47.200 Wow.

00:07:47.480 That's interesting.

00:07:48.460 Yeah.

00:07:48.600 So your dick's almost being held back by the sides of it?

00:07:50.960 It's got pubis going, like, crowding it.

00:07:53.520 Like, it's his boys going like.

00:07:55.160 Oh, yeah.

00:07:55.540 Come on, man.

00:07:55.980 Get him.

00:07:56.280 Get him.

00:07:57.020 And hair and everything.

00:07:58.360 Like, come on, man.

00:07:58.920 Get back in here.

00:07:59.580 No, no, no, no.

00:08:00.060 My body looks like it's stopping my dick from a fucking.

00:08:03.320 Oh, damn, dude.

00:08:05.240 No, no, no.

00:08:05.960 Hold him back, man.

00:08:06.720 Hold him back.

00:08:07.220 Hold him back, bro.

00:08:07.820 Oh, why the fuck?

00:08:09.160 Where was that fucking joke?

00:08:10.940 God damn it.

00:08:12.620 Here I did something.

00:08:13.380 That's good, man.

00:08:14.220 You can use it next time, man.

00:08:15.820 I'm using it.

00:08:16.020 I'm using it.

00:08:16.640 Dude, my dick definitely has a look.

00:08:19.620 Oh, you have a big dick.

00:08:20.920 I've already heard.

00:08:21.620 Really?

00:08:22.020 Yeah.

00:08:22.420 Who told you that?

00:08:23.360 I don't know.

00:08:24.200 What?

00:08:24.680 You know who.

00:08:25.540 Not a man.

00:08:26.220 I know.

00:08:27.720 Our mutual friends.

00:08:29.460 Who, dude?

00:08:30.600 Tom and Bill?

00:08:31.440 No, no.

00:08:34.360 Oh, my God.

00:08:35.540 Look at Ari's dick right there.

00:08:37.260 That is.

00:08:37.960 And by the way, that's not fluffing.

00:08:39.780 Like, that's unprepared.

00:08:41.000 That's just straight street dick.

00:08:42.900 He has such a Holocaust body, doesn't he?

00:08:45.060 Oh.

00:08:45.760 Kind of like.

00:08:46.200 You know, his dad was in the Holocaust.

00:08:46.560 But jacked Holocaust.

00:08:47.900 His dad was in the Holocaust.

00:08:48.620 Was he really?

00:08:49.120 Oh, man.

00:08:49.480 I'm sorry then.

00:08:50.220 Just for vacation, though.

00:08:51.260 Oh, I can see that, dude.

00:08:55.460 Ari's when Ari, after Ari drugged me, I said, I don't blame Ari.

00:08:59.840 I blame Hitler.

00:09:01.400 For the drugging?

00:09:01.980 Yeah, because Hitler did that shit to his dad.

00:09:04.060 And you know, his dad probably wasn't the greatest dad.

00:09:05.780 And then he turned into Ari.

00:09:07.040 Right.

00:09:07.320 So ultimately, it all falls on Hitler's shoulders.

00:09:09.420 It all goes back, man.

00:09:10.420 That's the thing.

00:09:10.940 You have to stop the cycle.

00:09:12.860 Yeah.

00:09:13.540 You know, you got to stop the cycle of trouble.

00:09:16.920 It's always a cycle.

00:09:17.940 You know, someone always learned it from somebody else.

00:09:20.100 Oh.

00:09:20.580 Learned the dirty behaviors.

00:09:22.060 You know?

00:09:22.380 The M word.

00:09:23.040 First time I ever heard the M word, I was in first grade.

00:09:27.840 And these black kids came into our neighborhood.

00:09:30.440 We lived in like a poor white neighborhood.

00:09:31.860 And there was a poor black neighborhood like across Nebraska.

00:09:36.140 Or not Nebraska.

00:09:37.540 I forget.

00:09:38.540 Well, dude, that's pretty far then.

00:09:40.120 If you're thinking.

00:09:40.860 No, no, no, no.

00:09:41.460 That was the street name.

00:09:42.780 Oh, right on, bro.

00:09:43.740 Yeah.

00:09:44.520 And so.

00:09:44.860 I'm like, damn, this dude did not live by black people.

00:09:47.880 He said they fucking lived a state away.

00:09:50.220 I'm like, wow.

00:09:54.020 They were in Nebraska and we were in Florida.

00:09:56.380 And it was scary, man.

00:09:57.640 I got to be honest with you.

00:09:58.940 It was touch and going times.

00:10:00.440 Yeah, dude, definitely.

00:10:02.300 I mean, we heard stories.

00:10:03.820 Oh, yeah.

00:10:04.120 The rumor mill.

00:10:05.200 I saw a note in a bottle one time in the river.

00:10:07.720 It was crazy.

00:10:08.900 Watch out for the blacks.

00:10:12.200 They're coming.

00:10:13.340 And they hit them from your shoulder real quick.

00:10:15.220 That's crazy, man.

00:10:20.120 Oh, the N-word?

00:10:21.020 Somebody said it?

00:10:22.360 So these black kids lived across this main street from us.

00:10:28.600 And then they came into our neighborhood, I guess, and stole my football.

00:10:31.220 My football had a Duke Jr. with a shoelace, a tan shoelace as the strings.

00:10:36.560 We used to play in the street.

00:10:37.980 And so the string for the shoelace ripped.

00:10:40.620 My dad replaced it with a tan shoelace.

00:10:43.540 It was very distinguishable.

00:10:44.580 And a little part.

00:10:45.480 We couldn't tie it.

00:10:46.140 So there was a little part of the shoelace sticking out.

00:10:49.040 So they came into our neighborhood, and they asked if they wanted to play us a football.

00:10:52.640 And they had my football.

00:10:54.440 And these two brothers, Daryl and Darren, were like, yo, they must.

00:10:58.800 I mean, when I remember this story, I feel like they were 18, 17.

00:11:02.180 They were probably just like 10 and 11.

00:11:04.240 Yeah.

00:11:04.740 And I was six.

00:11:05.960 Yeah.

00:11:06.420 And they were like, yo, this is football.

00:11:08.600 And they were like, no, this is his football, this other little black kid.

00:11:12.800 And they're like, fight him for it.

00:11:14.400 And I was like, I have first grade.

00:11:15.820 I was not fighting anyone.

00:11:16.760 I was wearing a loincloth and knee-high moccasins.

00:11:18.840 Oh, yeah.

00:11:19.540 And so.

00:11:20.880 Damn, you're fighting your sexuality, bro.

00:11:23.240 My dad's like, get him some knee pads.

00:11:25.020 He's going to be sucking dick.

00:11:26.740 So.

00:11:27.620 So.

00:11:28.720 Yeah.

00:11:28.940 And he's going to need knee pads to do it.

00:11:31.060 What a pussy.

00:11:33.940 That's the crazy part, man.

00:11:37.080 What about the good old days, man?

00:11:39.200 When you would suck dick with no pads.

00:11:40.280 Skin your knees and you suck a dick.

00:11:41.980 Be a man about it.

00:11:43.000 Yeah, bro.

00:11:43.620 Support the union.

00:11:45.680 You freak.

00:11:47.260 What kind of gay guy puts on knee pads?

00:11:50.680 Suck a dick like a man, man.

00:11:52.420 A backup gay dude.

00:11:53.920 Do you mind if I pull my socks up?

00:11:59.320 Oh.

00:12:00.660 Oh.

00:12:01.280 Dude, that's hilarious.

00:12:02.500 You mind if I pull my socks up?

00:12:02.880 Oh, my God.

00:12:03.720 I'm a sock.

00:12:05.120 Pull my socks up.

00:12:06.180 I don't want to skin my knees when I suck your dick.

00:12:08.520 Go ahead, buddy.

00:12:09.280 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:09.760 Whatever you got to do.

00:12:10.400 Whatever you got to do, man.

00:12:11.640 Do you mind if I pull my pants down for some cushioning on my knees?

00:12:14.480 Oh, fuck.

00:12:17.560 Mind if I take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees?

00:12:21.600 Hey, is it cool if I take my shoes off and put my knees in my insula?

00:12:27.980 Like, damn, dude.

00:12:29.400 I don't even think you shouldn't even be gay, little guy.

00:12:32.320 By the way, anyone who does that, you're like, this isn't your first time sucking dick.

00:12:35.760 You do this a lot.

00:12:38.780 Just sitting on your feet and kneeling on your fingers.

00:12:41.000 Oh, bro, actually, if you had to blow some, dude, that's not a bad.

00:12:45.940 Like, I would go through all of those things before.

00:12:48.780 You got to have some ways to get out of it.

00:12:51.520 I've gotten down with my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the wood floors.

00:12:56.160 Oh, that's crazy, huh?

00:12:57.060 Grab a pillow, put them under your knees.

00:12:58.660 Yeah.

00:12:59.640 But anyway, so these black kids come in the neighborhood, and they fight this kid.

00:13:03.940 And I was like, I've never been in a fist fight.

00:13:05.380 I don't want to be in a fist fight.

00:13:06.440 And then Daryl and Darren looked at me like, are we going to have to do this for you?

00:13:11.000 And I was, in my head, I was like, give him the fucking ball.

00:13:13.060 I don't care.

00:13:13.880 My dad already bought me a new one.

00:13:15.280 Like, and then they got in a fight.

00:13:18.840 They get into a fight.

00:13:20.640 Daryl fights one of the dudes, or Darren, one of the younger one fights a black dude.

00:13:25.020 And it's like five black kids and then seven white kids or eight white kids, more white kids because it's our neighborhood.

00:13:31.060 And the dad comes out.

00:13:32.680 And the dad starts chanting, fight, fight, and we're in a white.

00:13:36.880 White don't win.

00:13:37.720 We all jump in.

00:13:38.600 And I am, and then he's hitting me.

00:13:40.760 It's your ball, motherfucker.

00:13:42.340 Chan it.

00:13:42.980 Chan it.

00:13:43.640 And here I am, just some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins, just fight, fight.

00:13:49.600 And then I said the word in front of my dad, and it was fucking over.

00:13:54.520 Really?

00:13:55.060 Oh.

00:13:55.640 Your dad fought him?

00:13:56.620 No, no, no.

00:13:57.040 My dad took me down to their fucking house, walked me down, stood in the fucking thing.

00:14:01.040 I said, don't ever talk to my son.

00:14:02.520 Don't ever.

00:14:02.760 I told my dad everything that happened.

00:14:03.960 They stole my ball.

00:14:04.540 This is what he asked me to say.

00:14:05.760 Don't ever talk to my son.

00:14:06.580 And we moved out of that neighborhood a month later.

00:14:08.860 A month later, we were out of that fucking neighborhood.

00:14:10.420 Because people were using the N-word?

00:14:11.680 Oh, that was the least of it.

00:14:13.220 We let a kid on fire.

00:14:14.400 I mean, it was.

00:14:15.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:15.880 We let this kid on fire, John.

00:14:17.480 And he had a thing at Tubba, like a margarine bowl of gasoline.

00:14:21.480 And there was this abandoned house that these people left.

00:14:24.680 There always is.

00:14:25.440 Why do people leave an abandoned house by children?

00:14:28.000 Dude, they were the funnest.

00:14:29.580 Especially, did you ever break into a abandoned house when you were a kid?

00:14:31.520 Dude, there was an Asian couple that my friend's parents were watching their house.

00:14:37.680 They had like a dog or a cat or whatever.

00:14:39.320 Yeah.

00:14:39.620 He was like, you want to go in and see their house?

00:14:41.280 And man, this has got to be 1979, 78.

00:14:46.820 Praise God.

00:14:47.680 Like, no one knew.

00:14:48.360 No one.

00:14:48.840 I mean, not no one.

00:14:49.780 But I'm saying like no one at Florida knew Asians then.

00:14:51.980 Yeah.

00:14:52.420 And we went in.

00:14:53.140 Oh, yeah.

00:14:53.560 I remember things were like turquoise.

00:14:55.420 Walls were like turquoise blue with big Buddha statues.

00:14:58.260 And like everything was just different.

00:15:00.280 It smelled different.

00:15:01.340 Swords.

00:15:01.980 Like, I remember like a samurai in the corner.

00:15:04.320 He was like, oh, big feathers coming out of vases.

00:15:07.060 Yeah.

00:15:07.480 And you were like, whoa.

00:15:08.500 People were talking to you from behind fans.

00:15:10.160 Yeah.

00:15:10.400 They had a dog.

00:15:11.020 They had a dog, right?

00:15:11.760 So then this kid one day goes, same house.

00:15:14.920 He goes, yo, hey, want to go swim in their house?

00:15:16.760 They had a pool.

00:15:17.340 And I was like, yeah, yeah.

00:15:18.360 We're in first grade.

00:15:19.460 My mom had a station wagon.

00:15:20.520 She drops him off first.

00:15:22.040 Comes up, drops me off.

00:15:23.280 And he goes, meet me back in my house with your swimsuit.

00:15:26.920 Suit, I'll go back.

00:15:28.180 I'll get us in our backyard.

00:15:29.280 They had a Doberman Pinscher.

00:15:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:31.800 They don't have that many of those anymore.

00:15:33.480 No one's got a Doberman Pinscher.

00:15:34.800 You know what it is?

00:15:35.520 I talk about my special, but it's purebreds.

00:15:38.140 Purebreds are, they're all fucking dying out.

00:15:40.240 Oh, yeah.

00:15:40.520 They got like a Doberdoodle or something like that.

00:15:42.520 They had to mix them because the purebreds were getting all these fucking problems in

00:15:46.860 their body because they were breeding, like overbreeding.

00:15:50.140 It's, you know, same thing as Hitler.

00:15:51.280 If Hitler won the war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia.

00:15:55.020 Really?

00:15:55.720 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:56.040 I have dysplasia.

00:15:56.680 It's in a special.

00:15:57.300 You like that joke.

00:15:57.900 Nice.

00:15:58.520 I have dysplasia.

00:15:59.780 In your hips?

00:16:00.320 Yep.

00:16:00.560 You Brody Stevens.

00:16:01.040 Like an Australian Shepherd.

00:16:02.100 Brody Stevens had dysplasia.

00:16:03.220 Really?

00:16:03.680 Wait, do you walk odd?

00:16:05.440 Yeah, kind of a little bit.

00:16:06.620 If I have to walk for a long time, like if I have to walk for a couple miles, it gets

00:16:09.700 bad.

00:16:10.220 Really?

00:16:10.780 Yeah, just like I kind of get that shake, you know?

00:16:13.380 I think it's cute, but it hurts.

00:16:15.280 I think it's cute.

00:16:15.800 It hurts a little, but yeah, but yeah.

00:16:18.040 But anyway, enough about me, man.

00:16:20.640 But yeah, the N-word, man, it'll fly out of you, you know?

00:16:23.200 That's why a long time ago, I used to have a joke where I said, I don't say the N-word

00:16:27.900 because I care about people.

00:16:29.760 I don't say it because if your tongue gets used to it, if you say it a bunch behind doors

00:16:34.840 or whatever, and you feel comfortable saying it, one night you'll get drunk and your tongue,

00:16:39.260 it'll slip out of your mouth and you'll be in the wrong fucking place.

00:16:42.440 I don't say it first.

00:16:43.780 That's my rule, dude.

00:16:44.900 You don't say it first?

00:16:45.860 No, I never say it first.

00:16:48.560 You gotta, somebody else has to say it, bro.

00:16:50.960 If someone says it, you go, all right, we're good.

00:16:54.040 We're good.

00:16:54.940 I'm just saying, you can't ever be the person to say it first, bro.

00:16:59.860 That's crazy.

00:17:03.320 That's crazy, man.

00:17:04.640 But I think a lot of stuff where you can't use, like, yeah, you can't use the word, right?

00:17:11.380 Like, I get it.

00:17:12.440 Yeah.

00:17:12.600 But I think also, like, I think sometimes, oh, fuck, I can't remember what I was going

00:17:17.820 to say, man.

00:17:19.020 Yeah, you just don't use the word anymore.

00:17:20.580 I think the only place that still really uses it is mostly music these days.

00:17:25.340 I don't hear people say it anymore.

00:17:27.340 I don't hear anyone say it.

00:17:28.180 I've never, I mean, I heard white people say it growing up in the South.

00:17:31.280 I mean, all of us that grew up in the South heard it.

00:17:33.320 Yeah.

00:17:33.680 And heard white people use it at a McDonald's or some shit, and there was no cameras around,

00:17:37.620 so no one got outraged.

00:17:39.380 But, yeah, the only place you really hear it's music.

00:17:42.200 I mean, my bus driver's black, so I hear it all the fucking time.

00:17:44.320 Oh, yeah.

00:17:44.740 Yeah, but it's like I told the girls, one time the girls were in the car, and they go,

00:17:49.680 Dad, you want to hear a joke?

00:17:50.500 And I was like, yeah.

00:17:51.580 So they tell me the joke, and they're like, dot, dot, dot, dot.

00:17:53.800 And then the punchline, they're like, he's a midget.

00:17:56.500 And I was like, hey, guys, you can't say that word.

00:17:59.580 And they're like, why?

00:18:00.720 I go, because it's like a bad word.

00:18:02.300 And they're like, no, it's not.

00:18:04.080 And I go, no, it is.

00:18:05.280 And they're like, no, it was just describing a person.

00:18:06.800 I go, I understand that.

00:18:07.960 But you can't say it, because if you say that word, and someone's, you know, a little person,

00:18:11.220 they hear it, it might hurt their feelings.

00:18:12.580 And my daughters look to me, and they're like, they're not in the car, Dad.

00:18:15.360 It's just us.

00:18:16.020 And I was like, yeah, you'd think it would work that way.

00:18:18.240 It doesn't.

00:18:19.260 And then Brad Williams came to my house, and I was like, I go, bring the girls in the man cave.

00:18:22.680 I go, hey, why don't you tell Brad that joke?

00:18:24.260 And they lit up like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:18:26.820 Wow, calling you.

00:18:27.800 Yeah, like putting him on the spot.

00:18:30.440 Yeah, dude, I remember they had, I remember fishing with a black buddy of mine named Devin,

00:18:35.860 and he went to jail, actually, for murder or alleged murder.

00:18:38.640 Really?

00:18:38.920 But we were fishing, and some kids were up on the, like on this railroad track,

00:18:45.120 like up this embankment from this river, and they started throwing rocks and calling us the N-word, right?

00:18:52.520 And I'm like, not me.

00:18:55.060 You know what I'm saying?

00:18:55.680 You're kind of back to the back of the boat.

00:18:56.840 I think they're talking to you, Desmond.

00:18:58.240 Yeah, I do.

00:18:58.780 Yeah, like, bro.

00:19:01.400 You're aiming horrible.

00:19:02.860 You're hitting both of us.

00:19:05.940 But I remember that was scary, man.

00:19:08.160 I mean, yeah, you definitely had some people that, like, I mean, I think racism is just kind of like,

00:19:13.400 I mean, it's just definitely like.

00:19:15.480 How crazy would it be if coronavirus, if black people couldn't get coronavirus?

00:19:18.880 Someone said that they can't, but then Idris Elba got it.

00:19:21.240 I know.

00:19:21.840 Somebody said gay man can't get it.

00:19:23.320 There's a lot of information going around.

00:19:24.720 Gay man can't get it?

00:19:25.500 That's what I heard.

00:19:26.980 But then I think Siegfried or Roy got it.

00:19:29.140 Can you see that?

00:19:30.020 Magician gets corona?

00:19:32.940 Alleged magician.

00:19:33.580 Why wouldn't they just go, ta-da, I don't have it anymore.

00:19:38.160 Siegfried and Roy got corona?

00:19:39.900 They're dead, man.

00:19:40.680 If they get corona, they're dead.

00:19:42.240 Yeah.

00:19:42.720 Magician gets corona.

00:19:44.880 Sandy Garber's aging magician.

00:19:48.620 Is that his thing?

00:19:49.780 He's the aging magician?

00:19:50.940 He's like, oh, my leg hurts so bad.

00:19:54.600 Oh, shit, a dove came out of it.

00:20:00.500 He just stands there on stage and he's like, I'm aging.

00:20:03.580 Yeah.

00:20:03.940 We can all do that.

00:20:04.840 Yeah.

00:20:05.000 Look at this.

00:20:06.500 Look at this.

00:20:07.080 I just got older.

00:20:08.760 Ta-da.

00:20:10.340 When I was growing up, you knew not to say the N-word.

00:20:12.340 If somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew.

00:20:14.860 You know what I'm saying?

00:20:15.620 Like, that was the litmus.

00:20:16.720 It was like, that's how you learned about it.

00:20:19.080 It was like, oh, somebody said it.

00:20:20.840 Somebody got their ass beat.

00:20:22.020 And then that was it.

00:20:23.060 It's so funny, man.

00:20:23.940 I never heard it.

00:20:25.160 Like, I heard it when we lived in that neighborhood.

00:20:27.680 And then I never heard it in our new neighborhood.

00:20:29.560 I never heard it.

00:20:30.800 And then I never heard it.

00:20:32.700 I heard it a little bit in high school.

00:20:34.060 But we had a black friend, Kari Brown.

00:20:38.000 And all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word.

00:20:41.400 But not derogatory, just as like a joke.

00:20:46.020 Like in a Louis C.K. way, if it was the punchline of a joke, meaning towards Kari.

00:20:51.000 But very lighthearted.

00:20:52.120 And they were like guys that he grew up with his whole life.

00:20:54.680 And then I heard it a lot in college.

00:20:55.960 I heard it fucking, well, I went to Florida State and we were segregated.

00:20:59.380 It was like FAMU and Florida State.

00:21:01.200 So I heard it a lot in college.

00:21:02.420 FAMU was a more black college?

00:21:04.260 100%.

00:21:04.540 Yeah.

00:21:04.960 And I used to drive the black chicks.

00:21:06.720 They'd call.

00:21:07.680 They always lived in one dorm.

00:21:08.800 It's so funny.

00:21:09.280 I ran into this woman the other day who went, a black chick my age, who went to Florida

00:21:13.620 State.

00:21:13.880 And I said, hey, did you ever take the Safe Escort?

00:21:15.440 That's what I was, I drive them around campus in like a K car.

00:21:19.580 Do you remember a K car?

00:21:20.860 Pull up a K car, can you?

00:21:22.080 It was like the fucking biggest beater you could ever have.

00:21:26.060 I think it's called a K car or a Q car.

00:21:27.960 It's like an old, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it.

00:21:31.080 Oh, yeah, Renault.

00:21:32.300 That's a Renault, isn't it?

00:21:34.320 Chrysler K?

00:21:35.420 That was what we, but it was white.

00:21:37.480 And so, and man, they would, what would happen is you knew if the black chicks called on a

00:21:42.580 Saturday night, because you, it was just taking people to the libraries where you're supposed

00:21:45.580 to go.

00:21:45.980 Okay.

00:21:46.360 But if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, you knew they wanted to go to FAMU from Florida

00:21:50.620 State.

00:21:50.940 Okay.

00:21:51.300 And we weren't allowed to drive to FAMU, but once they got in the car, you had to take

00:21:54.240 them wherever they went.

00:21:55.080 So what would happen is they go, they go, we have a pickup at Devaney Hall.

00:21:58.420 Based on 111, I have a pickup at Devaney Hall.

00:22:00.380 Her name's Laquisha.

00:22:01.760 And you go, okay.

00:22:03.960 You'd be like, is it how many passengers?

00:22:05.580 And they're like, just one.

00:22:06.600 That's what they say.

00:22:07.360 And so you'd pull up and then she'd like wave to you and you go, hey.

00:22:11.580 And as she waved, they'd pile in the other side of the car and she'd get in.

00:22:14.860 They'd go, we're going to FAMU, bitch.

00:22:16.440 I loved it though because I love hip hop.

00:22:19.660 So I would just talk hip hop with them the entire time.

00:22:21.720 I learned about Wu-Tang Clan that way.

00:22:23.800 I bought the Method Man album through them.

00:22:26.280 I learned about Suave House, MJG and 8 Ball.

00:22:30.180 It was like the funnest for me because I loved hip hop.

00:22:33.900 Oh, yeah.

00:22:34.380 And so we would just, I'd be like, what are you guys listening to?

00:22:37.440 And I was driving them for like fucking 20 minutes.

00:22:40.600 And y'all were listening to what?

00:22:42.020 Hip hop?

00:22:42.080 There was no player and there was no player in there.

00:22:43.820 Sometimes they'd have.

00:22:44.700 And we all wearing seatbelts and everything?

00:22:46.280 No, there'd be so many people in those seatbelts.

00:22:47.740 I was back when seatbelts were like.

00:22:49.480 People didn't even die back then, dude.

00:22:51.160 Who wore seatbelts?

00:22:51.860 Yeah, dude.

00:22:52.640 I see my kids putting on seatbelts.

00:22:53.960 I'm like, what are you guys?

00:22:54.940 What are you guys?

00:22:55.240 Need knee pads for blowjobs?

00:22:57.960 What do you guys put your shoes in, your knees in your Asics where you blow a guy?

00:23:02.300 Huh, kids?

00:23:02.480 Take out your inserts?

00:23:03.600 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:06.160 That's crazy, man.

00:23:07.120 Yeah, Tom, we're just, I don't know.

00:23:08.480 Yeah, I don't know, man.

00:23:10.220 I guess they had like, I didn't, I don't know if I felt like I saw a lot of racism.

00:23:14.140 I never hung out in like a redneck type of area.

00:23:16.860 Like I felt like there was more, there was also a lot of racism from black to white too.

00:23:23.020 Like black kids weren't like, hey, like us, you know?

00:23:25.660 There was a lot of like anger.

00:23:26.980 It's funny, you always have anger from like previous generations.

00:23:30.580 Like it's always like, the shit's always so misdirected, you know, I feel like.

00:23:34.740 It's like.

00:23:35.160 Like, I told a story in one of my specials about my first throw, Uncomfortably Dumb,

00:23:41.800 about one of the first fight, like full blown, not fight, I say fights.

00:23:46.120 Like in high school, there were fights where it was a big fight and you stood on the outside

00:23:49.580 and waited to sucker punch someone.

00:23:51.120 And then there were fights where you got sucker punched or hit with something.

00:23:54.780 I got punched one time.

00:23:56.260 Yep.

00:23:56.480 Dude, I got hit with a fucking, some dude hit me with a bunch of encyclopedias.

00:23:59.460 Literally A, B, C, dude.

00:24:02.100 And by the time he got to Ebro, I fucking gave up.

00:24:04.480 You're like, I get it, man.

00:24:06.680 Yeah, I'm out, dude.

00:24:07.620 Elephants come from human.

00:24:09.580 I know how this ends, man.

00:24:11.680 I know how this ends, bro.

00:24:12.600 I know everything about anteaters, arborgs, bees, caterpillars.

00:24:17.540 I'm done, man.

00:24:19.040 The first fight I was in where it was like squared up one-on-one, bro, that is a terrible.

00:24:24.920 Who was the guy?

00:24:25.740 His name was Donovan.

00:24:27.420 Donovan.

00:24:27.920 White guy, black guy.

00:24:28.580 Black dude, straight, state wrestling champ.

00:24:30.980 You know Cowhead, you know Cowhead, Mike Cowhead, right?

00:24:32.980 Mike Cowhead found him.

00:24:33.900 He still lives in Tampa.

00:24:34.920 Wow.

00:24:35.240 Mike Cowhead found him on MySpace.

00:24:37.980 This is how long ago that was.

00:24:39.280 Found him and found his daughter and said, we'd love to have you come in studio and corroborate

00:24:42.480 this story.

00:24:43.380 And he was like, how much?

00:24:44.900 And Cowhead's like, nothing.

00:24:46.080 I'd rather just hear the good story.

00:24:47.220 So I haven't heard from this guy.

00:24:49.320 He had an IROC, right?

00:24:51.120 With the string shirts.

00:24:53.240 He would shake his fucking IROC to warm up for a fight.

00:24:56.400 Just shake it back and forth.

00:24:57.480 God, that's sexy.

00:24:58.320 Big wheels on the back.

00:25:00.100 So he gets in a fight with this guy.

00:25:02.720 I think the guy's name is Mario, I think.

00:25:04.240 I'm not sure.

00:25:04.920 I can't remember.

00:25:05.580 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:06.520 He gets in a fight with this guy Mario and there's a bunch of black dudes around.

00:25:09.860 And I run in to see, I want to watch the fight, right?

00:25:12.600 And I peek my head in.

00:25:13.720 And the second I peek my head in, Mario's unconscious.

00:25:16.060 He knocked him out clean.

00:25:17.220 And he's holding his hair.

00:25:18.600 And as soon as I put my head in, they go, here's another one.

00:25:22.420 Get him, Donovan.

00:25:23.060 And they push me in.

00:25:23.880 And now it looks like I'm on his team.

00:25:25.400 Yeah, because we're wearing the weight uniforms.

00:25:26.540 That's the worst about people outside of a fight.

00:25:28.160 All they want is more fighting.

00:25:29.300 More fighting.

00:25:29.820 Get him.

00:25:30.140 He wants some.

00:25:30.720 Yeah, get him.

00:25:31.300 And bro, squaring up to a dude.

00:25:33.380 And I had never squared up.

00:25:34.600 I had never, like, I was just trying to apologize.

00:25:37.060 And then I realized, oh, he was just going to beat me up.

00:25:39.660 Squaring up's the worst, especially if you've never done it.

00:25:41.440 Which foot do you put first?

00:25:42.720 Left.

00:25:43.180 Left.

00:25:43.380 Like I was skateboarding.

00:25:44.500 Like I was skateboarding.

00:25:45.180 I was skateboarding, bro.

00:25:47.700 I've had to square up twice against one dude, two dudes in my life.

00:25:52.620 This other dude I squared up against.

00:25:56.020 I squared up.

00:25:57.660 Do you remember the story when we were doing Reality Bites Back?

00:26:01.380 Right when we were doing the So You Think You Can Dive episode.

00:26:03.720 Okay.

00:26:04.100 I drove us all down there.

00:26:05.480 Do you remember that?

00:26:06.400 Yes.

00:26:06.880 I do remember that.

00:26:08.620 And the practice day.

00:26:09.780 The practice day that we had.

00:26:11.820 And for those who don't know, it was a show on Comedy Central that was, it was a great,

00:26:17.460 great show to be on.

00:26:18.600 It was a lot of fun.

00:26:19.480 It was a big payday.

00:26:20.400 It was cool.

00:26:21.240 It wasn't a big payday.

00:26:22.260 It was a big payday for back then.

00:26:23.280 Big payday for you, though.

00:26:24.240 Yeah, big payday for them.

00:26:25.000 Here's where they fucked up.

00:26:26.000 It was, I'm going to say this number.

00:26:27.820 It's the wrong number.

00:26:28.600 But it was, in my memory, it was like $8,000 an episode.

00:26:32.640 Yeah.

00:26:32.800 And so all of us looked at it and were like, it's a 10-order episode.

00:26:36.840 All of us are like, we're getting 80 fucking grand.

00:26:38.280 And the winner gets like a quarter of a million dollars, whatever, or $100,000.

00:26:41.500 Yeah.

00:26:42.120 And then we got there the first day and realized, oh, if you get kicked off, you don't get eight

00:26:46.100 grand.

00:26:46.680 Yeah.

00:26:47.040 And it came cut through.

00:26:48.680 It became cut through.

00:26:49.400 So only episodes you were on, you got eight grand for each episode you were on.

00:26:53.440 I remember.

00:26:53.960 And each episode, somebody got kicked off.

00:26:55.220 Me, you, I tell this story every time.

00:26:57.580 I saw Red Grand a week ago.

00:26:58.840 Really?

00:26:59.100 In Baltimore, yeah.

00:27:00.180 I think I saw the picture.

00:27:01.300 He came out to my show.

00:27:02.180 Yeah.

00:27:02.340 It was really cool.

00:27:03.240 It's great to see him.

00:27:04.180 Oh, I hung out with him and Donnell.

00:27:05.520 I did an episode of Something's Burning with him, and we ended up smoking weed and just bullshit.

00:27:08.740 Oh, that's awesome.

00:27:09.900 The first day, the very first day, we're sitting at that mansion outside in Encino.

00:27:14.940 It's me, you, Red Grand, Donnell Rollins on the step, if I'm not mistaken.

00:27:19.760 And Kyle Cease came up, and he had the hat that said, week one.

00:27:24.100 He had a hat made out for every week, week one, week two, week three, week four.

00:27:28.180 And he's with Chris Fairbanks.

00:27:29.760 Yeah.

00:27:30.120 And he goes, and Donnell goes, yes, son, that's right.

00:27:33.960 You are the week one.

00:27:35.280 And we all start laughing.

00:27:36.400 And Kyle goes, I think it's spelled different.

00:27:40.240 He goes, no, no, son, you should have a hat that just says week.

00:27:43.040 And then Kyle goes, Donnell, I think it's spelled differently.

00:27:46.680 And he goes, not in my neighborhood.

00:27:48.420 And then Kyle walks away.

00:27:49.460 I go, Chris.

00:27:49.900 And he goes, I think I'm next.

00:27:52.820 And just walked away.

00:27:56.960 Dude, Donnell was so funny, bro.

00:27:59.020 Me, you, Red Grant got naked in the bathtub with Lunell.

00:28:02.160 Oh, yeah.

00:28:02.720 Do you remember that?

00:28:03.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:03.860 Like, I got full-blown naked.

00:28:05.440 Yeah, you always did.

00:28:06.600 I got full-blown naked.

00:28:07.500 I got full-blown naked dick against the glass.

00:28:09.960 And the president, Lauren Correo, is at that shooting, president of Comedy Central.

00:28:14.080 And what happened is, Me, you, and Reg get passage the next round.

00:28:20.740 And they go, your reward is you get to shower and bathe with Lunell.

00:28:24.520 And so we're like, oh, fuck it.

00:28:25.780 We don't care.

00:28:26.480 Yeah.

00:28:26.860 And so we go in.

00:28:28.160 And she's small, too.

00:28:29.220 I think they gave us.

00:28:29.820 Got a small body.

00:28:30.500 I think they gave us cocktails.

00:28:31.720 We were drinking before that.

00:28:32.780 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:33.300 And she got us in there.

00:28:34.240 Yeah, pull a picture of Lunell.

00:28:35.560 I ran in her, by the way.

00:28:36.560 I thought she hated me.

00:28:37.220 I ran into her in Montreal.

00:28:38.320 And she just got fucking wasted with her and had a blast.

00:28:41.080 Oh, yeah.

00:28:41.240 She's fun.

00:28:41.760 Everybody loves her.

00:28:42.920 And we got in the bathtub.

00:28:44.120 And Lunell goes, I'm taking off my drawers or whatever.

00:28:47.980 Oh, yeah.

00:28:48.580 And pulls her bathing suit bottoms off and throws them out.

00:28:51.420 And I was like, fuck it.

00:28:52.320 I'm in.

00:28:53.040 So I take mine off.

00:28:54.020 Red takes his off.

00:28:54.900 You take yours off.

00:28:56.040 And then she stands up.

00:28:57.020 And she's still got them on.

00:28:58.040 She had two pairs on.

00:28:59.300 And we're all sitting there naked.

00:29:02.140 Praise God, man.

00:29:03.340 Those were the good old days.

00:29:04.460 That was a fucking thing.

00:29:05.380 Think about how long ago that was.

00:29:06.940 That shit was fun.

00:29:07.680 When year was that?

00:29:08.340 Go back to that information, if you don't mind, Nick.

00:29:11.580 That'd be 2000.

00:29:12.500 1994.

00:29:15.360 Derived from 1994.

00:29:18.480 2008.

00:29:20.040 Wow.

00:29:20.660 I got a special right after that.

00:29:22.320 2008.

00:29:23.560 2008.

00:29:24.140 Wow.

00:29:25.180 Someone.

00:29:25.660 Wait.

00:29:25.800 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:29:26.340 Keep up who got voted off when.

00:29:29.420 Someone sent me a zip drive that has all the episodes, too.

00:29:32.920 I have it on a drive someplace if either of you want that.

00:29:34.920 I would love to see that.

00:29:36.880 That was when, like, look, people, I think a lot of people in this business take ownership

00:29:42.220 of when they find, when they feel like they discover someone.

00:29:44.600 You know, like, there's a lot of agents that do that.

00:29:46.820 I will say, without a doubt, without a doubt, me and Amy Schumer became the biggest Theo Vaughn

00:29:52.720 fans in the fucking world.

00:29:54.260 Like, I remember me and Amy looking at each other and being, like, you were so funny and

00:30:00.640 it was effortless.

00:30:01.360 You weren't even trying to be funny.

00:30:02.580 You were just so fucking funny.

00:30:05.340 I swear to God, I'd pay $100,000 to have all the footage, raw footage, and cut my own

00:30:11.560 show of the outtakes.

00:30:13.420 Because there were times where you'd leave Michael Ian Black just like, huh?

00:30:17.080 And we were crying laughing.

00:30:19.400 He was like a white supremacist, I felt like, the way he dressed.

00:30:22.460 I remember we go, we were all talking and we go, so what do you hope this show gets you?

00:30:28.260 What do you hope this show gets you?

00:30:29.200 I'd love to get a special.

00:30:30.140 I'd love to get 30 minutes.

00:30:30.940 I'd love to get on Premium Plan.

00:30:32.300 And we were like, what about you, Michael?

00:30:33.460 And he goes, a new basement.

00:30:35.280 And we're like, what?

00:30:35.800 He goes, that's the only reason I'm doing this show.

00:30:37.440 I need a new basement.

00:30:38.500 And we were like, cool.

00:30:41.500 Yeah, he always had this white supremacist vibe.

00:30:43.720 He just looked too white.

00:30:45.040 Like, bro, white down a little.

00:30:46.780 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:47.840 He's the least white supremacist.

00:30:49.980 Really bring up a picture of him.

00:30:51.840 He does have a vibe of like the bad guy in a Harry Potter movie.

00:30:57.980 Michael Ian Black.

00:30:59.760 That's not him.

00:31:01.540 That's still Lunell, dude.

00:31:04.160 He texted me last night.

00:31:05.620 Did he?

00:31:05.960 Yeah, he texted me last night.

00:31:06.900 He was so funny.

00:31:08.220 Yeah, definitely.

00:31:09.080 I'll see if I can see the text.

00:31:10.380 He literally just texted me last night.

00:31:12.180 Oh, he's turned my fucking phone off.

00:31:14.060 There he is right there.

00:31:15.400 He definitely looks like he would be giving a speech about, hey, you know, sorry.

00:31:21.100 Here's the problem.

00:31:21.380 Sorry, I'm this white.

00:31:23.760 Here's the problem with women voting.

00:31:24.680 He looks like he doesn't blink his eyes at night.

00:31:26.600 He just puts water in them.

00:31:27.640 Look at him and Louis C.K.

00:31:27.760 What's that one?

00:31:29.020 Michael Ian Black defends Louis C.K.

00:31:31.220 Oh, that's kind of cool.

00:31:33.420 MIB's a cool dude, man.

00:31:34.980 I love him.

00:31:36.540 Dude, he's one of a kind for sure.

00:31:37.840 He really is, man.

00:31:38.980 One of a kind.

00:31:39.480 By the way, he's always been sweet.

00:31:41.340 Ever since we met him, he's a ball buster.

00:31:43.580 Kind of like that's his angle of comedy.

00:31:45.900 But he's always been a very sweet guy.

00:31:47.540 I remember we connected because both our wives are older than us.

00:31:50.840 Really?

00:31:51.280 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:51.740 And his wife's older than him and my wife's older.

00:31:53.480 I think me and MIB are the same age.

00:31:56.400 And did you ever see his TV show, The State?

00:31:59.640 Yeah.

00:32:00.420 Oh, bro.

00:32:01.560 Oh, I want to dip my balls in it.

00:32:04.420 That was the best, dude.

00:32:06.340 How great was that?

00:32:07.340 It was the greatest fucking show.

00:32:10.160 I feel like what I'm hearing is you don't like the tacos.

00:32:13.420 No, I love the tacos.

00:32:14.340 In fact, they're the best tacos I've ever had.

00:32:17.020 Dude, that show was so fucking great.

00:32:20.600 Did you ever see A Thousand Pounds of Pudding?

00:32:23.520 Oh, yeah.

00:32:26.740 Oh, dude.

00:32:27.560 I could watch that show.

00:32:28.680 That was one of my favorite shows.

00:32:29.660 That was the first time I really got comedy.

00:32:32.600 Wow.

00:32:33.720 Type in Pudding the State.

00:32:39.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:41.280 There you go.

00:32:42.700 I think it was $240 worth.

00:32:45.960 I'm sorry.

00:32:46.300 I said A Thousand.

00:32:47.120 Every time I tell a story, it's a new figure.

00:32:49.600 LeVon and Barry.

00:32:51.080 Oh, yeah.

00:32:51.900 Oh, shit.

00:32:54.920 Oh, yeah.

00:32:55.880 Oh, yeah.

00:32:57.100 It's that time.

00:32:58.060 Oh, you know it's that time.

00:32:59.240 I'm LeVon and I'm Barry Sagittarius.

00:33:02.020 And it's time.

00:33:02.780 Barry Sagittarius.

00:33:03.620 It's time for $240 worth a pudding.

00:33:07.160 Oh, yeah.

00:33:07.900 Mr. Boucher, come on in here and let's get a shot of this pudding.

00:33:10.020 By the way, they were like 18 and 19.

00:33:11.860 Only $240 can buy.

00:33:13.600 Oh, yeah.

00:33:14.380 We had the $240.

00:33:15.960 We had to have the pudding.

00:33:17.400 Oh, yeah.

00:33:22.040 They were kids, man.

00:33:22.920 We could have bought $100 with a pudding.

00:33:25.540 And that would have been a lot of pudding.

00:33:27.960 Oh, yeah.

00:33:28.800 That's Thomas Levin.

00:33:29.640 But we had to go all the way, baby.

00:33:31.060 All the way home.

00:33:31.860 Uh-huh.

00:33:34.160 With $240.

00:33:36.200 With the pudding.

00:33:36.820 Worth the pudding.

00:33:37.720 Oh, yeah.

00:33:39.140 Now, I know what you're thinking.

00:33:40.480 Barry and LeVon, where did you get $240?

00:33:45.500 Oh, yeah.

00:33:47.660 Don't worry.

00:33:48.200 You'll put a little hint about it, baby.

00:33:49.260 It ain't your concern.

00:33:51.220 Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to whisper some sweet nothings of this pudding.

00:33:54.000 I'll just be over here.

00:33:54.800 Mine's in my own.

00:33:56.760 They were children.

00:33:57.920 Oh, baby.

00:33:58.380 You know how you got it going on.

00:34:00.320 This is like the silliest shit.

00:34:02.220 Yes, silly.

00:34:02.760 We were in college.

00:34:03.520 We were in college smoking weed watching this.

00:34:05.820 Barry, baby.

00:34:06.160 You see what I got here?

00:34:07.020 You got there.

00:34:07.860 We used to go to parties and go.

00:34:09.800 Yeah, we did.

00:34:10.280 Like, here's.

00:34:10.800 I want to dip my balls in it.

00:34:13.180 No, I don't want it.

00:34:14.080 I can't.

00:34:14.500 I can't.

00:34:15.180 Does anyone have some orange juice?

00:34:18.500 I've got some orange juice.

00:34:19.820 I want to dip my balls in it.

00:34:22.720 That guy, Camarino.

00:34:24.020 Yeah.

00:34:24.140 You ever run into people like you were fans of as a kid that are fans of yours?

00:34:28.840 Oh, I run into this lady from In the Heat of the Night.

00:34:32.040 Can you bring up a picture of that show, actually?

00:34:34.640 She played Althea Tibbs.

00:34:36.040 You ever see In the Heat of the Night?

00:34:37.000 Of course.

00:34:37.240 Yeah.

00:34:39.140 Is that with the guy from Archie Bunker?

00:34:42.860 Yep.

00:34:43.380 Carol O'Connor.

00:34:44.120 Yeah.

00:34:44.420 He's buried right near my apartment.

00:34:45.760 Althea Tibbs right there.

00:34:46.920 Oh, I know Althea Tibbs.

00:34:48.300 Wait, Althea Tibbs has been in a lot of shit.

00:34:50.220 Yeah.

00:34:51.120 Wait, where did you mean Althea Tibbs?

00:34:52.300 Can we get to her wiki, maybe?

00:34:53.880 Yeah.

00:35:01.840 Yeah, that's her, Anne-Marie Johnson.

00:35:04.560 She lives in Los Angeles.

00:35:05.640 Yeah.

00:35:05.940 I met her.

00:35:06.460 She's seeing a man.

00:35:07.540 She's seeing a man.

00:35:08.240 But when I saw her a couple times at different restaurants, I accosted her mildly outside of the credit union, outside of the SAG-AFTRA credit union.

00:35:17.520 Just a huge fan.

00:35:18.100 Yeah, look at all the stuff she's been in.

00:35:19.400 A million things.

00:35:20.040 Oh, my God.

00:35:20.620 Dude, she's still working.

00:35:22.040 She's worked forever.

00:35:22.900 But yeah, she looked great.

00:35:23.880 And I just told her, I said, hey, I'm just such the biggest fan.

00:35:26.060 She started working before I was born.

00:35:28.340 That's crazy.

00:35:29.840 Wow.

00:35:30.660 Matlock.

00:35:31.940 Matlock was so good.

00:35:33.840 Man, you talk about the Me Too and all the fucking racism and fucking sexism in Hollywood.

00:35:38.480 Imagine the shit she had to deal with.

00:35:41.360 I bet she'd appreciate the fact that we at least knowledge it.

00:35:44.520 She started in 1971.

00:35:46.480 1972 to 76, she was on Matlock Police.

00:35:49.820 That was when I was born.

00:35:52.200 She was on different strokes.

00:35:53.880 She was on different strokes.

00:35:54.620 I guarantee you she dated Willis.

00:35:56.340 Oh, yeah.

00:35:57.220 I guarantee it.

00:35:57.940 I met Arnold one time.

00:35:59.420 You did?

00:35:59.940 From Hey Arnold?

00:36:00.900 No, Arnold.

00:36:02.280 No, from...

00:36:03.100 Arnold who?

00:36:03.780 Not Arnold Palmer.

00:36:05.600 No, Arnold from different strokes.

00:36:07.220 Arnold?

00:36:07.420 Wasn't that his name?

00:36:08.780 Willis.

00:36:09.460 No, the little one.

00:36:10.780 Oh.

00:36:11.980 Gary Goldman.

00:36:13.260 No, Gary Coleman.

00:36:14.500 Gary Coleman.

00:36:15.100 Gary Coleman, yeah.

00:36:16.260 He died.

00:36:17.820 Gary Goldman died?

00:36:18.580 Gary Coleman.

00:36:19.680 Oh.

00:36:21.060 Yeah.

00:36:21.720 No, Gary Goldman is teaching people how to fucking be comedians over daily tweets.

00:36:28.280 Okay?

00:36:28.560 If you haven't seen Gary Goldman.

00:36:30.880 Jesus Christ, bro.

00:36:31.660 Sometimes I see his advice and I'm like, I don't think I'm doing comedy right.

00:36:35.480 I'm not writing at all.

00:36:37.560 Tag it nine different ways?

00:36:38.960 I tag it once and it's good to go.

00:36:41.320 I don't know what.

00:36:42.740 Yeah, that's not a lot.

00:36:43.260 I met Gary Goldman.

00:36:44.640 Gary Coleman.

00:36:45.420 I met Gary Coleman.

00:36:46.900 Gary Coleman died.

00:36:47.880 Will you look that up, please, Nick?

00:36:49.060 Yeah, he did.

00:36:50.040 It was a kidney failure.

00:36:51.340 Oh, he really did?

00:36:51.900 Yeah, because he had the little guys get kidney problems.

00:36:56.780 So, I think that's how Mini-Me died.

00:36:58.740 I think that's how Tattoo died.

00:37:00.660 Oh.

00:37:01.700 He's a beautiful young man, too.

00:37:03.280 He died in Utah at 42.

00:37:06.380 Oh, my God.

00:37:08.180 You know, they gave him a lot of grief towards the end of his life.

00:37:10.420 Remember all that?

00:37:11.200 Yeah.

00:37:11.360 They put him in a show called Midgets vs. Mascots at one point.

00:37:13.880 Remember that?

00:37:14.360 Nice.

00:37:14.640 Can you imagine the Michigan State Trojan fighting a couple of midgets off outside of a bakery

00:37:19.600 or whatever, wherever they shot it?

00:37:21.720 Look at this.

00:37:24.100 Midgets vs. Mascots?

00:37:24.540 I love how Hollywood acts like regular people are the problem when they're doing shows called

00:37:29.980 Midgets vs. Mascots.

00:37:31.980 If you choose my question, who at the University of Michigan was like, yeah, yeah, I think

00:37:36.240 that's a good look for our school.

00:37:37.840 Let's have a beat the shit up of a Midgets.

00:37:39.700 But what are you going to do?

00:37:40.680 If a bunch of little people show up and say, hey, this is the show we want, you have to

00:37:45.880 be supportive.

00:37:47.460 What do you do?

00:37:48.340 Don't you think the Midgets picked it?

00:37:50.780 Why would they pick someone they definitely can't beat?

00:37:53.980 Wait, how do I get Midgets vs. Mascots?

00:37:56.620 I gotta see this.

00:37:57.820 Oh, man.

00:37:59.160 Wait, Scotty Pippen's in it?

00:38:00.660 Yeah.

00:38:00.800 Ron Jeremy?

00:38:01.980 Jason Mews?

00:38:02.980 Yeah, I think they put regular hiding people into the mascottery, into the uniforms.

00:38:09.820 Oh, my God.

00:38:11.340 I will definitely watch Midgets vs. Mascots.

00:38:14.080 Yeah, that's wild, man.

00:38:15.380 Can you believe that, that they have that kind of stuff, dude?

00:38:17.520 Do you think that there's going to be, that we'll be able to get back to regular humor

00:38:24.580 after this coronavirus thing?

00:38:26.280 I think it's going harder.

00:38:28.300 I think we're going to go harder in the paint.

00:38:29.880 Yeah.

00:38:30.060 Because, yeah, because, right, like, I'll tell you right now, when this special, when

00:38:34.240 we were editing this special, I have, uh, who is she?

00:38:39.240 She got a question for us, actually, but we'll get right into that, about your statement.

00:38:42.120 Let's get this question real quick right here from Allie.

00:38:43.840 Semi-related, what you guys are talking about.

00:38:45.420 Okay.

00:38:46.460 Hey, Theo.

00:38:47.020 Hey, Bert.

00:38:47.480 This is Allie from Niagara Falls Canada calling.

00:38:49.560 Turn it up, man.

00:38:50.080 Uh, question for Bert.

00:38:51.320 Wondering if there's any topic that is off-limits or off the table regarding your daughters

00:38:55.980 or your wife, um, in your comedy.

00:38:59.140 Uh, keep doing what you're doing, guys.

00:39:00.940 Thank you for everything.

00:39:02.640 Dang, dang.

00:39:03.160 Gang, huh?

00:39:04.040 She's beautiful.

00:39:04.800 Beautiful lady right there.

00:39:06.780 His hand, too.

00:39:07.500 Look at her hand.

00:39:07.920 I'm always shocked when you see a pretty person that has seen your stand-up and you're like,

00:39:11.220 you saw me?

00:39:12.420 Yeah.

00:39:12.680 Like, I get it.

00:39:13.180 If you're, like, 280 pounds, you got a beard.

00:39:16.020 You're troubled.

00:39:16.740 Yeah.

00:39:17.180 Yeah, and you're like, dude.

00:39:18.460 You have gastrointestinal issues.

00:39:20.280 I go, I got you, man.

00:39:21.020 We all go through those hard times.

00:39:22.440 Yeah.

00:39:22.940 But, man, when you see her, you're like, huh.

00:39:25.620 What happened?

00:39:26.500 Um, there's nothing off-limits.

00:39:28.160 There's only been one subject that Isla asked me not to talk about, um, but, like,

00:39:33.320 I talk about her period, Isla getting her period in the special.

00:39:36.760 Um, they're pretty cool with it.

00:39:38.740 Although, I gotta be honest with you, I don't know.

00:39:40.860 You don't know the long-term effects of it.

00:39:42.360 I don't.

00:39:43.220 I wish I did.

00:39:45.160 You know?

00:39:45.840 I mean, not in a bad way, but you don't.

00:39:47.300 It's like.

00:39:47.660 I don't, and it's.

00:39:48.800 Dad's gone.

00:39:49.520 He's a comedian.

00:39:50.760 You know what I'm saying?

00:39:51.260 He's dry.

00:39:51.760 He's flying around the country telling people about my period.

00:39:53.880 I don't.

00:39:54.220 I don't.

00:39:54.920 I don't.

00:39:56.780 I can't imagine it's gonna be awesome.

00:40:01.120 Like, I, you know, you don't put any thought into it.

00:40:02.900 Like, here's how it works.

00:40:03.860 Is that, like.

00:40:04.200 Right.

00:40:04.420 So, I'm on the road with, at the time, it's me, Segura, and Ian Bagger doing Irvine and

00:40:10.100 Brea every Tuesday, every Tuesday, Wednesday, right?

00:40:13.460 We're just banging out.

00:40:14.300 Tuesday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

00:40:15.880 Not Ontario.

00:40:16.460 Just Irvine and Brea.

00:40:17.580 Me and Segura driving out.

00:40:18.780 And then, one day you tell a joke.

00:40:20.380 The first joke I wrote about the girls was, um, Isla was a baby and she had, uh, she,

00:40:26.580 they woke up early in the morning.

00:40:27.680 I go downstairs.

00:40:28.320 I hear my baby monitor.

00:40:29.040 I go downstairs.

00:40:29.880 I'm like, what's going on?

00:40:30.800 Why are you laughing?

00:40:31.560 George is in a rocking chair.

00:40:32.440 Isla's naked.

00:40:33.800 And George is like, dad, you got to see baby Isla's new trick.

00:40:35.960 The dog's in between them.

00:40:36.820 Like, I don't fucking know.

00:40:37.860 And I go, what is it?

00:40:38.860 She goes, I don't want to spoil it for you.

00:40:40.400 Isla, show dad.

00:40:41.520 And Isla takes her finger, shoves it up her ass, and puts it in the dog's mouth.

00:40:45.640 Oh.

00:40:45.920 And that's the first joke I wrote about my daughters.

00:40:48.600 The Jolly Roger, dog.

00:40:49.800 The Jolly Roger.

00:40:52.220 We call it the happy Nazi.

00:40:53.520 And so I go, and so I tell that story on stage and both the, Ann and Tom are like, bro, that's

00:41:00.540 like, that's legit funny.

00:41:02.360 It's not a kid joke.

00:41:03.240 That's just a funny fucking joke.

00:41:04.880 Like, we don't have kids and we still like it.

00:41:06.960 And that was where I flipped the switch.

00:41:08.460 And so then, no, then Isla's maybe two or three.

00:41:11.140 George is four or five.

00:41:13.120 You start writing jokes about your kids and they're definitely not seeing it.

00:41:16.120 They're not seeing it at all.

00:41:16.840 And then I do the machine and I put all those stories I have in about the girls and it starts

00:41:22.120 to work.

00:41:22.740 Like, people start to relate to it.

00:41:24.640 I do secret time and that's when they were like, they were like, hey, like, like kind

00:41:30.300 of curious.

00:41:30.780 Like, what do you say about us?

00:41:31.780 And I was like, yeah, it's not a big deal.

00:41:33.320 This one, they were like, yo, run everything past us first.

00:41:36.180 And so I had to run the period joke past Isla and she was, uh.

00:41:39.680 Did you sit down and talk to her about it kind of?

00:41:41.240 I told her, well, I put it, here's what, you know, me, man, I put her on fucking Instagram

00:41:44.340 stories the day it happened.

00:41:45.360 So the day it happened, she gets her period, she wants to throw a period party.

00:41:49.760 Do they do that now?

00:41:50.720 Oh, yeah.

00:41:52.480 It's big time.

00:41:53.620 What?

00:41:54.620 Oh, yeah.

00:41:55.980 A period party?

00:41:57.160 I told part of the story on Conan.

00:41:59.340 Oh my God, bro.

00:42:00.420 And it went viral.

00:42:01.360 What is going on, man?

00:42:02.140 I told just a part of the story on Conan and it got 20 million views immediately.

00:42:07.300 So like, she's like, I mean, I don't want to ruin it, watch this special, but I get all

00:42:12.660 the stuff for the period party.

00:42:13.900 I dress in red.

00:42:14.880 Like what?

00:42:15.680 Like fucking red velvet cake.

00:42:17.740 Fucking.

00:42:18.200 Yeah.

00:42:18.740 Dude, that's what I said.

00:42:19.880 That's what I said.

00:42:21.140 Dude, you're going to love, dude, you'll love this bit.

00:42:23.300 You'll love this bit.

00:42:24.160 But my point is, I put it all on Instagram stories that night because I'm laughing.

00:42:28.460 I'm dying laughing.

00:42:30.160 And then I get in bed that night.

00:42:31.780 She comes in.

00:42:32.340 She's like, hey, big boy, I need you to take that down.

00:42:34.900 And I go, what?

00:42:35.620 I go, baby.

00:42:36.180 It's fine.

00:42:37.620 I think it's cool.

00:42:38.600 She goes, yeah, I know.

00:42:39.360 I don't mind people knowing I threw a period party, but I don't want kids in my school knowing

00:42:43.760 I had my period.

00:42:45.100 And I went, oh, okay.

00:42:46.360 That makes sense.

00:42:46.920 So I pull it all down.

00:42:48.380 And then I go to Louisville that next weekend and I talk about it.

00:42:50.920 I try it on stage.

00:42:52.580 And just that reaction you just had is the whole room's having it.

00:42:56.640 But the weird part, you know me, I'm a meathead.

00:42:58.720 I'm like a fucking mouth breather.

00:43:00.280 Is women are connecting with it going, like cheering for Isla, which I think is cool.

00:43:04.940 So then I work it out a little bit.

00:43:06.520 I talk to Isla about it.

00:43:07.820 And I was like, hey, I want to do a part of that story on Conan.

00:43:10.920 And she's like, she goes, why?

00:43:13.740 I go, I think it's good.

00:43:14.940 I think it's a good thing.

00:43:15.860 I think that the thing that you're doing is going to be good for little girls and other

00:43:19.760 little girls will see it.

00:43:20.920 And if the trauma, the George, when George had her period, she was a fucking nightmare.

00:43:24.960 And I said, the trauma George went through, you can help them avoid that.

00:43:28.440 Because Isla didn't want to go through what George went through.

00:43:30.520 So she just circumnavigated and went, I'm going to celebrate this moment.

00:43:33.880 Right.

00:43:34.220 And so I told her on Conan, she watched it.

00:43:36.360 She was cool with it.

00:43:37.080 But then the next day, my email gets flooded with little girls emailing me, like their parents,

00:43:43.240 their parents are emailing me from their daughters, like this, my daughter wants you to read this.

00:43:48.840 And letters coming into my manager, like, hey, I was really scared about getting my period.

00:43:53.320 I've been really nervous about it.

00:43:54.880 But I saw your dad's story.

00:43:56.680 Thank you for letting him tell it.

00:43:58.360 And then, and Isla named her period.

00:43:59.980 And they go, and by the way, we just welcomed Daryl to our family.

00:44:02.940 And so it was, so like, I don't, I don't have any limits.

00:44:06.880 Like, I'll talk about fucking anything.

00:44:08.420 Whether or not it goes into a special is like another thing.

00:44:11.320 Because I got to, I got to run it by them.

00:44:13.680 Damn.

00:44:14.340 Like, and I know it's getting, it's getting touchy for Georgia.

00:44:16.740 Yeah, because they're, yeah, I could imagine, but yeah, I could imagine that that's a lot going on.

00:44:20.940 She's 15.

00:44:21.460 And when she starts fucking up and you want to talk about it, you know, she's going to be like,

00:44:25.100 can you imagine if you're, if all your fuck ups?

00:44:27.800 Oh, I couldn't.

00:44:28.560 Yeah.

00:44:28.920 And so it's, I don't know, man.

00:44:30.620 I, I, we'll see.

00:44:31.900 Who knows?

00:44:32.680 Maybe I won't make it out of this coronavirus and that's the end of my standup.

00:44:35.940 Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie.

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00:46:03.620 It'd be interesting.

00:46:04.480 Here's a white guy right here with something to say.

00:46:06.300 Yup.

00:46:07.320 What's up, Theo?

00:46:08.140 What's up, Bert?

00:46:08.760 This is Logan from Sarasota, Florida.

00:46:10.240 My question for Bert is how excited are you for all that new material you're going to

00:46:13.580 get for being quarantined with both your daughters?

00:46:15.740 It's going to be hilarious.

00:46:16.800 And then my question for both you guys is, do you ever go back and watch your old Netflix

00:46:20.600 specials and try to build off that for your upcoming shows?

00:46:23.200 It's a great question.

00:46:24.380 That's a great question.

00:46:25.420 It is a good question, man.

00:46:26.760 Oh, the first part he asked us for you.

00:46:28.880 Yeah, I'm, uh, it's only been two days, so I'm not super excited yet.

00:46:33.480 I, uh, yeah, I, it's funny.

00:46:36.460 You start picking out little things that you, I mean, you know that like there'll be something

00:46:40.960 that happens where you go, that's not it, but this may be a part of it.

00:46:44.880 And so like right now, Isla is, uh, obsessed with puns.

00:46:49.320 So anything you say to where she replies in a pun, I guess there's this, some guy on the

00:46:54.500 internet who does puns.

00:46:55.740 And so she loves puns.

00:46:57.100 Gripless.

00:46:57.580 There's a guy named Gripless.

00:46:58.400 That's an artist.

00:46:59.360 You can bring him up, but he does really good ones.

00:47:01.460 But, uh, but yeah, I don't know.

00:47:03.400 Do you, when you prepare for a special, do you watch previous specials?

00:47:06.380 I've never, honestly, I've never watched my old special.

00:47:09.120 Um, you know, I saw it whenever we're editing it and putting it together.

00:47:12.580 I, I wasn't really, I wasn't that super, that stoked about it, but.

00:47:16.480 I loved it.

00:47:17.320 You did?

00:47:17.660 I loved it.

00:47:18.140 I watched it on the foot of my bed.

00:47:19.420 Oh, right on that.

00:47:20.000 And when, before we changed our house around, I remember exactly where I was.

00:47:22.840 I put, turned it on.

00:47:23.940 I watched it on the foot of my bed.

00:47:24.960 I watched you getting ready for it too.

00:47:26.220 Like, I remember seeing you getting ready for it at the Hollywood Improv.

00:47:29.380 Yeah.

00:47:29.820 Yeah.

00:47:29.980 I was excited.

00:47:30.660 I think, yeah.

00:47:31.600 I mean, I think that's just my head, you know, it's like you want.

00:47:33.740 Oh, it's everyone's head.

00:47:34.480 Yeah.

00:47:34.660 Dude, trust me.

00:47:35.560 Sorry.

00:47:36.240 Trust me.

00:47:36.720 I did not.

00:47:38.000 I was.

00:47:39.380 So like, press has been very weird for this special.

00:47:42.400 And so like, cause we just pulled all press.

00:47:44.420 So there's no press.

00:47:45.200 That's so crazy.

00:47:45.860 Yeah.

00:47:46.060 And it's dude.

00:47:47.260 Cause did you have a lot of places to go that you were lined up together?

00:47:49.720 I lined up across the board and then, and then, you know, everything happened and they just pull

00:47:53.500 all press and I'm doing four podcasts.

00:47:56.260 That's it for the whole special for fucking podcasts.

00:47:59.280 And so, well, thanks for coming in here.

00:48:01.540 No dude.

00:48:01.980 Thank you.

00:48:02.360 By the way, hold on.

00:48:03.140 You're one of the few people that didn't cancel on me.

00:48:05.200 A lot of podcasts canceled.

00:48:06.320 Really?

00:48:06.740 Yeah.

00:48:06.920 A lot of podcasts were like, no, we're not.

00:48:08.960 You know what?

00:48:09.320 Can we push it like a week and just see what's happening?

00:48:10.960 And I'm like, I'm like, man, unless someone's, you know, unless you're showing any symptoms

00:48:17.320 and by the way, everyone's been fucking quarantined.

00:48:19.700 The rules 10 or under it's 10 or under and they're being safe on that.

00:48:23.500 It's three of us in a room.

00:48:24.660 He's not even in the same room.

00:48:25.680 No one's touched each other.

00:48:27.040 So like me and Segura did a podcast this morning.

00:48:30.060 Everyone's like, look, people are fucking working.

00:48:32.840 You can't not make a living or entertain people that are locked up in their houses.

00:48:36.080 This is what we do for a living.

00:48:37.300 Yeah, totally.

00:48:37.840 And if anything, this is a time to do it.

00:48:39.400 This is a time to be like.

00:48:40.540 I'm doubling down on podcasts.

00:48:42.380 If I did have it, I'd come in and do it.

00:48:45.220 By the way, I wouldn't mind one of us just getting it and spreading it to all of us and

00:48:49.300 going, hey guys, let's really bang these out.

00:48:51.240 Now we're done.

00:48:51.900 Let's start doing sets again.

00:48:52.700 Yeah.

00:48:53.100 Just for the infected.

00:48:54.120 Yeah.

00:48:54.260 Now we're done.

00:48:55.060 Yeah.

00:48:55.660 Affected only.

00:48:56.600 Yeah.

00:48:56.720 I wonder if at some point there will become a line where it's like the affected get to

00:49:00.100 do stuff and the unaffected don't get to do it.

00:49:02.580 It's like a herpes website.

00:49:04.560 Yeah.

00:49:05.520 Where you're like, ah man, if you don't have herpes, don't party with us.

00:49:08.000 Dude, I thought if one day there was like a, what if one day they come out with a drug

00:49:11.960 where you can live forever, right?

00:49:13.800 But only some people get it, you know, and some people don't.

00:49:16.720 And there's just going to be that crazy like cutoff.

00:49:19.740 Like they're going to decide like, well, you're over 45.

00:49:22.240 You're not even of use or you're over 60.

00:49:24.360 You're not of use anymore.

00:49:25.580 So you don't get to do that already still.

00:49:27.540 So you don't get it, but under 60 gets it and the government has it.

00:49:33.000 And it's like, it's just going to be this crazy.

00:49:34.620 Right where they draw the line and you got to fucking pick it.

00:49:37.120 And there's nothing you can do.

00:49:38.400 And marriages, your wife would be two years, three years older or whatever.

00:49:41.800 She can't do it.

00:49:42.880 Ooh, that's not a bad way to get out of a marriage.

00:49:45.320 I mean, it's the law, you know, what am I supposed to do?

00:49:48.860 My point is, my point is to yours, because I loved your special and you think in your head

00:49:54.560 you didn't like it or you're afraid that people didn't like it or whatever.

00:49:57.960 That's how I woke up.

00:49:58.880 I woke up yesterday morning, St. Paddy's Day.

00:50:00.500 I had that big fucking show planned.

00:50:03.160 And what happens when you do press for a special is it really gets your mind off of it.

00:50:07.180 So these first few days when people are sending in tweets and Instagrams and you don't really

00:50:12.360 look at it because you're busy working and promoting and texting and, you know, hitting

00:50:16.440 up friends, hey, can you tweet about this?

00:50:18.200 And so then you don't really realize it until like come Friday.

00:50:20.600 And then by the way, come Friday, everyone's there for the weekend.

00:50:23.300 It's your fans hitting you up.

00:50:25.040 So you don't think about it.

00:50:25.740 I woke up yesterday, fucking panicked.

00:50:27.660 I mean, all you can remember are the jokes you're not proud of.

00:50:31.520 It's like, it's like, it's like, God damn it.

00:50:34.300 And then this morning was the first time I did any real legit press where I called into

00:50:39.020 radio stations and they were like, oh man, I love that joke you have about beating your

00:50:42.900 wife with a mop.

00:50:43.500 And I'm like, oh, that's a good joke.

00:50:45.500 Or the, I had a joke that, I had a joke that, uh, went that they memed like it.

00:50:50.180 Oh, that's nice.

00:50:51.060 I wrote it 18 months ago, performed it, filmed it November and then 50 cent put a, put it

00:50:56.920 on a meme.

00:50:57.360 And it was like, and I didn't get any credit, but you know, it's a good joke when it gets

00:51:01.460 memed.

00:51:02.140 Yeah.

00:51:02.360 And so, but you don't think about those.

00:51:04.420 You think about the shit ones.

00:51:05.380 And so it's not until you get fucking texts like from like Segura or cow head or like my

00:51:10.700 friends that mean something.

00:51:12.160 They go, Hey, the secret time.

00:51:13.960 I thought that shit, I was so terrified that that special just sucked.

00:51:17.860 That just sucked.

00:51:18.820 That everyone was just being nice to me because I'm a nice guy and people like me.

00:51:21.860 Oh yeah.

00:51:22.600 Yeah.

00:51:22.880 That happened to me too.

00:51:23.780 You're just like, oh, everybody's just saying that because people are like, I watched it

00:51:26.860 nine times.

00:51:27.640 You're like, that's insane.

00:51:28.580 Nobody's ever done that.

00:51:29.700 Someone's like, I watched it back to back.

00:51:31.040 You're like, no, you didn't.

00:51:31.920 But I appreciate you saying that.

00:51:33.320 I appreciate you making me feel better.

00:51:34.800 Right.

00:51:34.960 I remember I did a podcast with Rogan and he goes, he said, I mean, you can find this clip

00:51:41.800 and you can, you can see the look on my face.

00:51:43.700 It's fucking genuine.

00:51:45.360 He goes, Hey man, I watched your special.

00:51:46.980 It's fucking awesome.

00:51:47.620 And I went, really?

00:51:49.200 Like, it's genuine.

00:51:50.440 Like, and I couldn't get past it.

00:51:51.840 I go, wait, you, you really watched it?

00:51:53.940 And he was like, yeah, it was awesome.

00:51:54.840 And I was like, hold on.

00:51:56.040 Like, I'm looking at like, are you being serious?

00:51:57.780 Like those compliments are like the way, like Tom Papa said, man, I loved your special.

00:52:03.300 A guy like Tom Papa says that.

00:52:04.980 And you're like, his new special is good too.

00:52:07.060 Fucking awesome, man.

00:52:08.020 It's awesome.

00:52:08.500 It's clean.

00:52:08.960 It's not like, like mine.

00:52:10.080 You can't watch with your family.

00:52:11.260 Yeah.

00:52:11.640 But yeah.

00:52:12.520 I have one, what's one joke that you wish you could take out of a past from that?

00:52:15.200 You're just like, oh, it was just, it wasn't, it's not me anymore.

00:52:17.720 Or it just was too, if there is one.

00:52:20.840 I have, um, I don't like the way I named, I titled my, my first special.

00:52:25.800 Cause it was back before clickbait was a thing, but I, but we knew what clickbait was, but

00:52:30.700 we didn't know what it was and it wasn't, there was nothing really racist in it, but

00:52:35.460 it was like, let's talk about Mexicans.

00:52:37.620 Let's talk about blacks.

00:52:38.880 Like, it just seems racist.

00:52:40.820 Oh yeah.

00:52:41.280 Now see stuff.

00:52:42.200 Some stuff does seem racist.

00:52:43.300 Now I'll watch old clips and like, oh man, that seems kind of racist now.

00:52:46.300 But at the time it wasn't at all.

00:52:48.060 It wasn't like, we've also gotten so fucking in Hollywood have gotten so sensitive on the

00:52:54.500 way that things are like said.

00:52:57.420 Yeah.

00:52:57.820 And not the reality of them.

00:52:59.480 Like I had a joke.

00:53:00.160 I used to have a joke.

00:53:00.860 My closing joke was about getting blowjobs.

00:53:03.940 I forget how it went, but I remember, I remember someone explaining it to me, like showing me

00:53:08.720 from a woman's point of view, how that's tabid aggressive.

00:53:11.200 And I just did not see it.

00:53:13.080 I was like, I was like, I tried the sensitive approach.

00:53:15.520 No, I go, I go, you know what women hate when you grab them by the back of the head and

00:53:18.800 strong arm them down.

00:53:20.000 I go, you got to see the look on their face.

00:53:21.380 They're like, no, no.

00:53:23.600 I go, I tried the sensitive approach, you know, slide it in their mouth while they're sleeping.

00:53:27.200 Just like, you're dreaming, you're dreaming, you're snorkeling in the keys, feel the fish

00:53:33.040 bouncing off your chin.

00:53:34.180 So like I, those, I remember this girl going like, it sounds like you're raping your wife.

00:53:38.140 I go, oh no, no, I'm just fucking her asleep.

00:53:39.840 She's like, and I was like, oh yeah, I guess that is a little insensitive, but what are you

00:53:44.720 going to fucking do?

00:53:44.920 Yeah, but that was a different time.

00:53:46.180 You could fuck in the sleep back then.

00:53:48.520 Yeah.

00:53:49.000 You know?

00:53:49.460 It's called the old moccasin.

00:53:50.520 It was actually, a lot of women were like, thank you for not waking me up to fuck me.

00:53:55.240 Because I didn't even care.

00:53:56.280 I guarantee you if my wife could find a way that I could fuck her while she slept, she

00:54:00.880 would take it.

00:54:01.600 That's what I'm saying.

00:54:02.100 That's what I'm saying.

00:54:02.780 A lot of wives would consent in advance to saying yes, please.

00:54:07.580 I had a joke in one of my specials about, I took it out because it just didn't sound

00:54:12.340 right.

00:54:13.220 Maybe I didn't take it out.

00:54:14.500 It might be a secret time.

00:54:15.960 I go, you ever had sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you?

00:54:18.280 Not rape, but like, ever fuck your wife when she doesn't want to fuck you and she's

00:54:22.500 just like, hmm.

00:54:24.500 And you're like, you're not really into this.

00:54:25.880 She's like, no, I don't want to be doing this at all.

00:54:27.300 And you're like, huh.

00:54:28.420 So that sounds like rape.

00:54:29.280 And you're like, no, I just want to go to Target and I don't want to deal with an asshole.

00:54:32.440 I'm probably miswording that joke.

00:54:33.700 But I think I'd tell that at a secret time.

00:54:34.980 I don't know.

00:54:36.260 Yeah, I never had a wife, but I could imagine.

00:54:38.260 Do you think you'd get married?

00:54:40.300 I think I would like to.

00:54:41.600 Is it really, is it pretty cool?

00:54:42.900 I love it.

00:54:43.360 You do?

00:54:43.740 I love it.

00:54:44.140 Yeah, you've always been a big proponent of it.

00:54:46.200 Yeah, but I'm a big, I was a better, I was, I'm a better married dude than I am single

00:54:50.460 dude.

00:54:50.620 Yeah.

00:54:51.120 I could see that.

00:54:51.920 You need that real, that net around.

00:54:53.660 You need that support.

00:54:54.660 You need that.

00:54:55.320 When you go home, you got that love.

00:54:56.780 You got something going on.

00:54:58.140 There's something fun.

00:54:59.280 I can't, I can't imagine.

00:55:00.320 I mean, I look at like you and Delia, I know Delia's now got a kid, but like I look at

00:55:04.880 you, Delia, and like that group of guys who all kind of were like untethered and I go,

00:55:10.120 that must be nice to like go like, I'm going on the road.

00:55:12.300 You know, I'm going to stay on the road and then just go snow skiing and then go into another

00:55:15.640 city or I'm going to do a movie and disappear for a month or, or like, or like in times like

00:55:19.800 this where you go, I don't have to worry about like financially, I'm good for a couple

00:55:23.900 years, you know, but now as a, as a parent and these happen, you start worrying about

00:55:28.700 your kids, you start worrying about finances and you're like, you're like, I know I'm

00:55:32.140 good, but like for how long and how long, like if, and by the way, if shit goes sideways,

00:55:37.060 I still got to take care of it.

00:55:38.300 Like say the economy never recovers, never for like five years and like, and no one goes

00:55:43.260 to see standup.

00:55:43.940 I don't really have any more fucking skill sets, but you could disappear and go bartend,

00:55:48.160 be the fucking funny bartender and make a hundred thousand dollars a year.

00:55:50.600 You know?

00:55:51.440 Yeah, man.

00:55:52.040 You'd be way funnier bartender.

00:55:54.880 I take that back.

00:55:55.140 You'd do any, you'd be great at anything.

00:55:56.960 I'd be a really good bartender.

00:55:57.680 Yeah, but no, I think there's definitely like, yeah, there's a, it's definitely, you

00:56:02.740 start to see guys like Sebastian got married and started a family, you know, you start to

00:56:07.280 see, yeah, Brett Ernst, you see guys start to have kids and stuff.

00:56:10.700 You're like, oh man, I guess, I guess this is something that I have to do if I want to

00:56:14.900 do it.

00:56:15.420 You know, I just have to, at some point I got to start to go down that road, you know,

00:56:18.840 You still have time.

00:56:19.660 Yeah.

00:56:20.200 Yeah.

00:56:21.100 You got to find the right chick.

00:56:22.140 You got to find the right chicken.

00:56:23.280 Yeah.

00:56:23.560 That's another thing.

00:56:24.380 You don't want to find some Muppet, you know, you don't want to find some fucking

00:56:27.540 dust Muppet out there who's, you know, copping grams when you're not around or doing shit

00:56:32.020 like that, stealing shit from you.

00:56:33.520 Have you had those?

00:56:34.320 Have you had chicks like that in your life?

00:56:35.580 I've had some chicks sell some of my shit, you know?

00:56:37.860 When you were partying, did you date like sketchy chicks?

00:56:39.920 Uh, I've always kind of dated some real, so a couple of real sketch balls.

00:56:45.000 My last girlfriend wasn't sketchy though.

00:56:47.140 I don't know if I've made good girlfriend choices.

00:56:49.000 It's just like the messing around choices where you're like, oh, wait, what's the worst?

00:56:52.740 I got to get out of this.

00:56:53.800 Don't tell me your name, but just tell me like the worst.

00:56:56.040 Um, let me think this.

00:56:58.840 I'm sure.

00:56:59.720 Oh, I know the worst, dude.

00:57:01.720 So there was a girl that, um, I don't know if she was the worst really, but there was a

00:57:09.980 girl who, uh, there was a girl who had taken a bunch of stuff from a holiday in, right?

00:57:15.240 Yeah.

00:57:15.680 And, uh, and this is back when holiday and put wrote holiday and on their, like, uh, on

00:57:19.860 the shower curtains and stuff in their showers and the soaps and everything.

00:57:23.700 No, but I'd hooked up with her at her place and then I took all that stuff and redid her

00:57:26.920 bathroom in it and put all holiday and shit in there, but that had nothing to do with

00:57:31.260 her.

00:57:31.480 I think she was, uh, there was, and then I cheated on her.

00:57:38.680 I guess that had nothing to do with her.

00:57:40.160 I guess that was more me.

00:57:41.300 Let me do another one.

00:57:42.320 Yeah.

00:57:42.440 She was super sketch.

00:57:43.800 There's one girl where I pass out her house.

00:57:45.700 I'm pissing her hamper.

00:57:46.700 That wasn't her, but that was more me.

00:57:49.600 You know, trying to think, I mean, I'm sure some, Oh, I remember one time hooking,

00:57:53.700 up with this young lady and she's like, Oh, you can bust right inside of me, you know?

00:57:59.180 And I'll immediately, I made me not want to even be around her as that just revolted

00:58:04.140 me to my core that she was just, you know, just even like, I'm not going to ejaculate

00:58:10.160 at all.

00:58:10.420 That's my new thing is I don't bust, man.

00:58:12.240 If I'm having sex, we have sex for a little while.

00:58:14.740 We go our separate ways.

00:58:16.040 What do you do?

00:58:16.720 Huh?

00:58:17.040 What do you just, I'll just ejaculate later by myself or I'll, or I'll ejaculate, you

00:58:21.440 know, at a future time, you weren't jerking off for a while, right?

00:58:24.580 Yeah.

00:58:24.740 I've been through some good phases, man.

00:58:26.020 I've struggled recently, but I'm doing my best, you know?

00:58:29.040 Why?

00:58:29.320 How come?

00:58:30.400 I just don't like it, man.

00:58:32.240 Uh, Oh, and the girl goes, yeah, you can bust inside of me.

00:58:34.760 She goes, uh, I was like, I don't want to do all of that.

00:58:37.720 You know?

00:58:38.280 And she's like, Oh, don't worry.

00:58:39.600 I can't get pregnant.

00:58:40.780 I don't even have any ovaries.

00:58:42.620 That's what she yelled out of a fucking car window behind a fucking, uh, what's the place

00:58:49.820 for you to buy printer ink and everything?

00:58:51.480 Kinko's?

00:58:52.080 No, no, no, no.

00:58:53.080 A little bit bigger than that.

00:58:54.360 Oh, Office Depot.

00:58:56.720 I'm like, yeah.

00:58:57.900 Out the window of an Office Depot.

00:59:00.760 I don't even got any ovaries.

00:59:02.640 Yeah, dude.

00:59:03.180 I was like, I lost them in a billiards match.

00:59:07.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:07.720 I lost them in a skins game.

00:59:10.760 I'm out of here.

00:59:13.540 Long story.

00:59:14.600 I'll just say me and an octopus didn't get along.

00:59:19.440 Oh, so that still ruminates inside of me sometimes.

00:59:23.480 It makes me sad, man.

00:59:25.960 It makes me sad that I ever hooked up with that girl.

00:59:29.000 I dated sketchy chicks, but never, I never fucked them.

00:59:32.600 I was always weird about fucking chicks.

00:59:34.220 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:59:35.160 Same, man.

00:59:35.840 I was, for a while, I wasn't even good at sex at all, man.

00:59:38.500 And I'm still never, I've never been good at it.

00:59:39.820 I'm not good at it.

00:59:40.480 I'm not good at it.

00:59:41.340 It's terrifying a lot of times.

00:59:42.820 Oh, I just, I bust so fucking quick.

00:59:45.200 Oh, wow.

00:59:46.480 I'm like, literally, I don't think I can get AIDS.

00:59:48.740 It's like the five second rule when you drop something on the ground and you pick it up.

00:59:51.720 You're like, all right, that doesn't count.

00:59:54.340 Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm not.

00:59:56.340 I couldn't even see you with AIDS, bro.

00:59:57.780 I couldn't imagine you with AIDS.

00:59:59.440 Because I'm so fat.

01:00:00.960 Yeah, I mean, I.

01:00:01.640 You should see pictures of when I was skinnier.

01:00:03.060 Yeah.

01:00:03.840 Dude, I'd be an ugly AIDS patient.

01:00:05.540 Oh, dude.

01:00:06.040 I had a fucking ugly head.

01:00:08.140 Really?

01:00:08.640 I had an ugly head.

01:00:10.280 I've always had an ugly head.

01:00:11.760 And when I gained weight, my head looked normal on my body.

01:00:14.500 Oh, I could see that.

01:00:15.440 Like, I have a big, I have a big head, like a size, like, put this on your head and feel

01:00:20.200 how big my head is.

01:00:20.980 My head's pretty big.

01:00:21.920 Oh, wow.

01:00:22.980 Yeah.

01:00:23.520 That's your head?

01:00:24.380 That's my head.

01:00:25.880 I'm crazy.

01:00:26.420 Oh, my God, bro.

01:00:27.140 I feel like I'm in a little apartment.

01:00:28.480 I know.

01:00:28.820 I feel like I'm, no joke, I'm in a studio apartment, like, hold on, I'll go over here

01:00:33.780 to the kitchen.

01:00:34.540 It's not bad.

01:00:36.260 Yeah.

01:00:36.820 I look.

01:00:37.340 Wow.

01:00:37.940 Sorry, I didn't do my hair.

01:00:39.260 Normally it looks a lot better, but I'm starting to get gray streaks in my hair.

01:00:42.840 Oh, yeah.

01:00:43.620 I'm getting that, man.

01:00:43.800 Gray streaks in my beard.

01:00:44.860 I'm getting that.

01:00:45.280 We got a question right here from a guy named Jean Gu.

01:00:49.640 Looks like an Islamic.

01:00:52.880 Hey, Theo, what's up?

01:00:53.880 It's your bud, John.

01:00:54.960 What's up, Johnny?

01:00:55.340 And Johnny.

01:00:56.660 Johnny.

01:00:56.980 Totally gay best friend.

01:00:59.760 There you go.

01:01:00.000 So, question for Bert.

01:01:02.320 Given that Theo is in a 12-step program, and a big part of that program is acceptance

01:01:08.220 and forgiveness, do you think that you would ever forgive Ari Shafir for unintentionally

01:01:14.020 drugging you and giving you Molly?

01:01:15.640 So, hope to hear back.

01:01:17.660 Gang, gang.

01:01:19.080 That's a good question.

01:01:20.120 Now, he said unintentionally.

01:01:22.620 Yeah.

01:01:23.680 I think that's where we differ.

01:01:26.980 I think he was pretty direct in his intent.

01:01:30.200 Do you think he wanted to do it like just – do you think there's something in him

01:01:35.380 that's like, I got to get a rise somehow out of things?

01:01:37.920 And it doesn't matter what it is.

01:01:39.100 It doesn't matter if it's like, you know, just his vibe of humor with the Kobe stuff.

01:01:43.760 You know, like – or not just Kobe, but all of that.

01:01:45.640 Going to the edge, you know.

01:01:46.840 I got to douse my friend.

01:01:48.300 I got to do this fire.

01:01:49.480 I think the two are separate.

01:01:53.260 I'll say number one, I think Ari's always succeeded on those outer barriers of comedy,

01:01:59.200 meaning really pushing the edge, really finding the boundary, and then jumping over it.

01:02:03.800 Yeah.

01:02:04.540 Case in point, the Kobe thing, the – I'm not going to go through Ari's list of the things

01:02:11.280 that –

01:02:11.580 But even the picture of him naked on the stage, like he's always at the – you know,

01:02:14.540 he's always on the – he's always – he's on the dark side of the moon a lot of times.

01:02:19.060 Yeah, 100%.

01:02:20.100 I think – I do think there's a part – I think there's a part of Ari that thought,

01:02:25.280 if we do a podcast and I slip him on Molly, it's going to be the most epic podcast ever.

01:02:30.080 Yeah.

01:02:30.720 Everyone will talk about it for the rest of their lives.

01:02:32.980 And I think that was a part of his thought process.

01:02:36.140 But I do think that part of his intent was, this is going to be a blast.

01:02:41.120 Burr's one of my best friends.

01:02:42.260 I – Molly's not going to kill him.

01:02:44.760 I'm going to give him Molly.

01:02:45.800 We're going to get high.

01:02:46.500 We're going to laugh.

01:02:47.060 We're going to hang out all night.

01:02:47.740 He didn't really calculate it.

01:02:49.040 Like, he was like, I should have checked to see if his kids were in the other room.

01:02:52.300 I should have checked to see –

01:02:53.600 If he had to make dinner or something.

01:02:54.880 Yeah.

01:02:55.200 My wife was making dinner for both of us to have dinner with the girls because my girls loved Ari.

01:02:59.980 Mm-hmm.

01:03:00.360 And he's like – and he didn't check that I was flying that night.

01:03:04.420 I was starting my tour that night.

01:03:05.760 So there's a lot of things Ari didn't, like, check the boxes for.

01:03:09.620 He just kind of did it.

01:03:10.780 And it was – I mean, it's super regrettable because I still love Ari, and we're still friends.

01:03:18.500 We text all the time.

01:03:19.620 We talk on the phone.

01:03:20.440 But, like, if my daughter sees me texting with Ari, she'll take my phone.

01:03:23.420 She fucking – Georgia hates Ari.

01:03:25.400 Leanne hates Ari.

01:03:26.980 And that's what fucking sucks.

01:03:28.780 And that – I'll never release the podcast because I just don't – I know for a fact Ari thinks it's epic,

01:03:33.580 but I've talked too much about it, and if you watch it, you'd know too much about my feelings about what happened.

01:03:38.340 As opposed to if I had never spoken about it and I just released it, it would have been – I mean, it would have – it would have – I think it would have probably gone off without a hitch.

01:03:47.000 But I talked about it so much that I just – I feel like it's not fair to show – it's not fair to show Ari being somewhat insensitive to a friend who believes he was drugged and may die.

01:03:58.500 Right.

01:03:58.860 Because Ari's just – he's high and he doesn't care, and I'm freaked out and I'm having a panic attack, and you can definitely see all that.

01:04:05.720 And I know Ari feels differently, but –

01:04:07.060 Will you one day put him behind a paywall, you think?

01:04:09.480 No.

01:04:10.120 I mean, maybe one day like –

01:04:11.820 Release it as a movie?

01:04:12.880 Got to.

01:04:13.840 I mean –

01:04:15.480 He's got to.

01:04:16.820 I don't know.

01:04:17.920 By the way, it's so crazy.

01:04:19.880 Like, if you – say you heard – you were like, oh, there's outtakes on Reservoir Dogs where they lose – remember there's outtakes on Lily Tom and Losing Her Mind on Dustin Hoffman or someone during a movie?

01:04:33.440 Tootsie, I think.

01:04:34.280 Tootie?

01:04:34.840 Tootsie.

01:04:35.240 Something.

01:04:36.040 And they were like, oh, I want to see that.

01:04:37.160 And you, as a fan, as a fan of podcasts, as a fan – like, a perfect example, right?

01:04:43.000 When you and Bill Burr did a podcast and everyone was like, bro, what the fuck happened there?

01:04:47.000 I went right there excited.

01:04:48.900 I watched it.

01:04:49.860 I didn't see what I think everyone else saw.

01:04:52.920 Like, I just saw you and Bill hanging out.

01:04:54.960 It didn't register for me the way it did for other people, but I ran right to it.

01:04:59.420 I ran right to it.

01:05:00.960 People were – it's on Twitter.

01:05:02.080 What the fuck happened with Bill and Theo?

01:05:04.080 And I was like, Bill's one of my best friends.

01:05:05.840 I've known – Theo's one of my close friends.

01:05:08.240 Like, I've known Bill for 20 years.

01:05:09.840 I've known Theo for 15.

01:05:11.360 Yeah.

01:05:11.480 Like, I'm fucking – I'm going here.

01:05:13.920 For me, it didn't, like, razzle-dazzle me.

01:05:15.820 I can see what people were talking about.

01:05:17.480 I can pick up on hints of it, but, like, it wasn't what I wanted to see.

01:05:20.940 So I know as a fan the idea that you'd want to watch me and Ari – me get drugged.

01:05:24.800 But I'm just afraid, protective of Ari, especially with all the Kobe shit that went down.

01:05:30.220 Yeah, wouldn't help him.

01:05:30.660 It wouldn't help anyone.

01:05:31.820 It really wouldn't help anyone.

01:05:32.500 Trust me, man.

01:05:33.140 Had I released it and that Kobe shit gone viral, people would have grabbed that and it would have –

01:05:37.500 Here he is drugging a white guy.

01:05:39.840 I mean, dude, I'll tell you right now.

01:05:41.480 Now, when it happened, Dr. Drew said, you know, just so you know, by you telling me this, I have to call the police.

01:05:47.660 And I went –

01:05:48.160 Wow.

01:05:48.700 Then I made it up.

01:05:49.780 Then I don't know what you're talking about.

01:05:51.200 So if I put it out there, it would have been – I think it would have been a bad – Ari disagrees 100%.

01:05:56.260 Wow.

01:05:56.800 So Ari says put it out.

01:05:57.800 Ari wants it out so bad.

01:05:59.040 Wow.

01:05:59.160 Maybe I'll sell it to him one day.

01:06:00.420 There you go.

01:06:01.140 Now we're talking.

01:06:01.860 If he makes it big, which on the rate he's at –

01:06:04.720 He's big, man.

01:06:05.340 He's just fucking sabotaging himself left and fucking right.

01:06:09.100 He's the guy that killed Kobe Bryant pretty much.

01:06:11.020 Yeah, kind of open by that.

01:06:12.300 And a lot of – yeah, and a lot of poorly written articles, you know.

01:06:15.080 Here's the guy – and look at this – the guy was flying the helicopter.

01:06:18.200 He's a picture of Ari sometimes.

01:06:19.940 You know what I'm saying, dude?

01:06:20.840 It's bad.

01:06:21.640 Like, bro, things get mixed up out there.

01:06:23.560 It's a mashup.

01:06:24.700 Yeah.

01:06:25.120 You know, it's a dark art, man.

01:06:26.160 He's so talented, man.

01:06:27.520 And I think that when he does film this special called Jew – I think it's called Jew.

01:06:32.260 Because he's a Jewish supremacist.

01:06:33.660 He's a Jewish supremacist, yeah.

01:06:35.720 100%.

01:06:36.080 When he films this special, I think it's going to be huge.

01:06:38.700 And I think people – I think it'll really – I think people will see the artist as opposed to – like, the comic that we've all known.

01:06:46.220 Right.

01:06:46.620 The sensitive, sweet, fucking, hilarious Ari Shafir as opposed to bloody ass rag.

01:06:52.940 By the way, that's still part of his personality.

01:06:54.700 Doug Stanhope will piss on you, and he's one of the most genius comics in the world.

01:06:57.580 Yeah.

01:06:57.740 It's like you can be both people.

01:06:59.860 You can be two things.

01:07:00.840 You can be three things.

01:07:01.580 You can be four things.

01:07:02.320 Yeah.

01:07:02.980 Yeah.

01:07:05.760 Yeah, I don't know.

01:07:06.520 We didn't – like, I remember asking if he wanted to talk about it one day on the podcast and just through texting, and then I never heard back from him about it.

01:07:14.480 But, yeah, it's interesting because if I –

01:07:18.340 Here's what you should do.

01:07:19.520 If you talk to him, make him talk honestly.

01:07:22.100 Right.

01:07:22.340 Because here's what is frustrating to me is that – it's not even frustrating.

01:07:31.880 It's not even frustrating at all.

01:07:33.300 But, like, the part of Ari that apologized and the part that I talked to on the phone at the end of the month when we hadn't spoken for a month, and he had texted me every single day going, like, I want to talk to you.

01:07:43.860 I can't have this happen.

01:07:45.140 I can't lose you as a friend.

01:07:46.280 Like, that guy.

01:07:47.160 Right.

01:07:47.340 That guy talking about it and talking about his experience through that way is so fucking fascinating.

01:07:53.440 The part of him where it's – where he shuts off and deflects and goes, what?

01:07:59.000 It was a joke.

01:07:59.700 Right.

01:07:59.880 Fuck it.

01:08:00.400 You know?

01:08:00.900 That, for me, I'm not super fascinated by.

01:08:03.780 But, man, I know the man very fucking well.

01:08:06.440 Yeah.

01:08:06.900 And the sensitive side.

01:08:08.440 I would love to hear his perspective of it.

01:08:10.680 From more human space and not from a character.

01:08:12.640 From a human space because it's funny still.

01:08:14.220 Like, his – like, me and him talking, the first time we talked, I was driving to a Planet Fitness in an Uber, and me and him talked.

01:08:20.500 I can see that.

01:08:21.180 And we were just back and forth, kind of having our first conversation in a month, but giggling and kind of like, like, yeah, that was a fuck deal.

01:08:29.860 Like, I'd say something like – and then instead of going, like, deflective, he was fucking – but you know what?

01:08:37.140 That's me asking him to do comedy, and that's offensive.

01:08:39.960 Right.

01:08:40.160 For me to go, hey, this is how you should talk about it.

01:08:42.300 My point is, I would love – that side of Ari, I would love to hear on a podcast.

01:08:45.840 Right.

01:08:46.420 Right.

01:08:46.620 You know?

01:08:47.920 Yeah, man.

01:08:49.000 I mean, yeah, he's such a – he's definitely a sweet, nice dude.

01:08:51.600 He's the sweetest spot.

01:08:51.980 I think he just has this wild character that is –

01:08:54.420 Bro, he is God.

01:08:55.340 That is this outlaw.

01:08:56.100 He's like the Jesse James kind of, like, thing.

01:08:58.620 He's like –

01:08:58.820 And you can't change that.

01:09:00.280 No.

01:09:00.660 It's always going to be there.

01:09:01.360 That's his whole thing.

01:09:02.960 And that's a real thing.

01:09:04.220 It's not – yeah, it's real.

01:09:05.200 He shit on Bobby Lee's car.

01:09:06.740 Yeah.

01:09:07.000 He beat up Bobby Lee four times.

01:09:08.180 There's a part of Ari that's a fucking legit wild card.

01:09:11.360 Let me tell you something.

01:09:12.200 Dude, how do you beat up Bobby Lee three times and then go back and beat him up one more time, though?

01:09:16.260 I don't know.

01:09:17.200 I mean, it seems like it was an easy fight.

01:09:19.420 Yeah, no shit, dude.

01:09:21.480 Just a lot of uppercuts.

01:09:22.900 Oh, dude.

01:09:23.680 Or lower cuts.

01:09:24.760 Any cuts, dude.

01:09:25.980 You could easily –

01:09:26.900 Any cuts.

01:09:27.120 Any cuts you could use on Bobby.

01:09:30.300 Dude, definitely, man.

01:09:31.900 Yeah, Bobby fucking Lee.

01:09:33.300 Bam, Bobby Lee.

01:09:34.600 Bobby Lee's so cool.

01:09:35.620 He really is.

01:09:36.420 He's definitely one of a kind.

01:09:38.480 You and him are the two dudes in recovery that have never, ever been browbeady or like never been like –

01:09:47.080 you know, like when I say shit like, oh, yeah, I'm not drinking right now.

01:09:49.840 And you're like, nice.

01:09:50.460 And you're like, yeah, I'm having a hard time sleeping or whatever.

01:09:52.240 And I don't know what I said to you last time, but I said something about not drinking.

01:09:55.280 And you're like, yeah.

01:09:57.060 And you just got like, I heard.

01:09:58.460 I know what you're talking about.

01:09:59.520 And then I was like, all right, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

01:10:02.040 And you took off.

01:10:02.800 But both of you and Bobby Lee have always been cool about whatever fucking thoughts I have out loud,

01:10:07.600 just listening and being like a friend.

01:10:10.080 Oh, right on, man.

01:10:10.680 So as you know, some dudes are a little bit like, hey, man.

01:10:13.440 Yeah.

01:10:13.860 Here's the deal.

01:10:14.240 You got a problem, man, and I can help.

01:10:15.580 Yeah.

01:10:15.700 Or I can be your savior.

01:10:16.540 And you're like, no, you fucking can't.

01:10:18.080 I can't.

01:10:18.680 You run an open mic out of Burbank, and I'm not trusting my life with you at all.

01:10:22.420 I'd much rather be a failed alcoholic than fucking your sidekick at a fucking AA meeting.

01:10:28.340 Yeah, don't make me beat up Bobby Lee again.

01:10:30.220 Jesus.

01:10:30.680 You know what I'm saying?

01:10:31.320 I went to one AA meeting.

01:10:32.680 Did you?

01:10:33.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:10:33.660 This was probably 18 years.

01:10:35.960 No.

01:10:36.480 Was it mixed or men's?

01:10:38.020 Mixed.

01:10:38.580 Okay.

01:10:39.100 Mixed.

01:10:39.420 Is men's better?

01:10:40.960 Men's is definitely like a little bit more.

01:10:42.980 It gets like a little bit more sentimental, I think.

01:10:45.560 The mixed ones, there's always that element of like impressing women or seeing what's going on a little bit.

01:10:51.140 Oh, yeah.

01:10:51.540 Yeah, this was.

01:10:52.340 You know, because they got a lot of bottle thoughts out there.

01:10:54.360 A lot of chicks who give up the liquor just to get a man, you know?

01:10:57.780 Oh.

01:10:59.720 Yeah.

01:11:00.420 By the way, I can see myself totally getting sober because of a chick in AA.

01:11:06.540 Oh, yeah.

01:11:06.980 And then falling off with her when she wanted to fall off.

01:11:08.720 Yeah.

01:11:09.160 I can totally see that happening.

01:11:11.460 But I went to an AA meeting one time.

01:11:12.700 It was over.

01:11:13.340 I guess I shouldn't say anything like that.

01:11:15.700 No, you can say where it was.

01:11:16.660 On Moorpark?

01:11:17.440 No, this was when I lived in Hollywood.

01:11:19.440 It was on the corner of Franklin and Highland.

01:11:24.060 So it was like, I think it was Franklin and Highland.

01:11:25.660 Yeah, Franklin and Highland.

01:11:26.620 It's over by that Starbucks over there.

01:11:28.260 So everyone went to the Starbucks and then walked across the street to the school or library or what it was.

01:11:33.200 It was in like an auditorium, library type setting.

01:11:36.340 And you go in, they give you the book, and you're sitting down first, and then they're going around.

01:11:43.380 And then the guy I was with, this really cool dude, and he—

01:11:48.340 You went to support him?

01:11:49.540 No, no, no.

01:11:50.420 I was—Leanne had dumped me.

01:11:53.380 We had been dating for like four months, and she dumped me because I got drunk at a party, and I wouldn't let a fight go, like an argument with her friends.

01:11:59.360 I just fought—I died on the hill.

01:12:01.360 I was like, this is my hill to die on.

01:12:02.920 And I got drunk, and then I couldn't rebound emotionally from that fight.

01:12:07.180 And then she broke up with me.

01:12:08.260 And so I just said, I'm done.

01:12:09.560 I'm done drinking.

01:12:10.580 I got drunk, and I lost a chick that I loved, and I don't want that.

01:12:14.840 And if I want to find chicks I love that I want to keep, I got to be sober.

01:12:18.200 I see.

01:12:18.600 Because that's not going to work for me.

01:12:19.420 Yeah, yeah, I feel you.

01:12:20.000 I tried to learn French once to get a woman back.

01:12:22.480 I made a boat out of clay for a woman once.

01:12:24.680 I made a mixtape for Leanne.

01:12:25.900 You did?

01:12:26.240 Dude, she dumped me.

01:12:27.960 She dumped me.

01:12:29.260 I made a mixtape, and I drove down La Brea sobbing, crying.

01:12:33.740 Oh, yeah.

01:12:34.320 Sobbing, crying, and put it on her car like a mixtape with a letter.

01:12:38.820 And I went back, and I cried so hard.

01:12:42.940 This is how bad I was hurt when Leanne dumped me.

01:12:44.980 I cried so hard.

01:12:46.200 I went into my shower because I didn't want anyone to hear me.

01:12:48.200 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:12:48.740 But I couldn't sit on the ground.

01:12:51.100 I didn't want to sit on the ground, so I brought one of those exercise balls in.

01:12:54.880 Into the shower?

01:12:55.400 Into the shower.

01:12:55.960 But it couldn't fit through the door, so I had to deflate it, crying, bring it into

01:13:00.220 the shower, crying, re-inflate it, crying, and sit on it, crying.

01:13:04.480 It was-

01:13:04.960 You're trying to breathe deep when you're crying, too.

01:13:06.300 Ooh.

01:13:07.200 And so I'm sitting on ... I lived up on ... It's a street called Glencoe.

01:13:11.940 God, it's beautiful, man.

01:13:13.320 Right above-

01:13:14.280 Yeah, I know exactly where that is.

01:13:16.240 I was sitting on there eating an Asian pear.

01:13:18.320 I hadn't drank in a couple days.

01:13:20.380 I was ... Not out of any other thing that I've been crying this whole time.

01:13:23.660 Is this in the Bible?

01:13:24.660 I feel like this is in the Bible, dude.

01:13:26.040 Yeah.

01:13:26.620 And so this dude comes out, lived up there, and he goes ...

01:13:31.300 Hey, fag.

01:13:33.840 What did he do?

01:13:34.800 What did he say?

01:13:35.820 He goes, what's going on?

01:13:37.140 And I was like, I'm going through some shit.

01:13:40.140 And I said something about it, because he was a ...

01:13:42.460 How did he get in the shower?

01:13:43.680 He came in the-

01:13:44.080 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:13:45.140 I was on the street.

01:13:46.360 Oh, okay.

01:13:46.620 I was on the street.

01:13:47.500 I was on the street in an Asian pear.

01:13:49.580 Okay, okay.

01:13:50.780 Sorry.

01:13:51.220 I merged this up there somewhere.

01:13:52.960 I didn't know we left the apartment.

01:13:55.660 So he used to be a sober coach, so they'd hire him.

01:13:59.680 Oh, yeah.

01:14:00.340 That's a big job.

01:14:01.420 They'd hire him to go with huge actors to their movie to keep them sober so that they

01:14:06.460 could get insured.

01:14:07.640 Get through it.

01:14:08.120 Denzel Washington is a man everybody talks about a lot of times he gets real sober for

01:14:12.400 films.

01:14:13.100 Oh, yeah?

01:14:13.400 Yeah.

01:14:13.860 You always hear that anyway.

01:14:14.760 It's a rumor.

01:14:15.340 So this guy, then ... That's what he did for a living.

01:14:18.140 He made great money.

01:14:20.200 And he was a nice man, tall guy?

01:14:21.800 The fucking coolest dude.

01:14:22.440 Short guy?

01:14:23.060 Good guy.

01:14:23.500 No, yoked, good-looking dude, Harley, Connie Corso dog, like just the fucking ... He was

01:14:29.360 the man.

01:14:29.920 Right.

01:14:30.240 And so he just ... And he knew all the talk, man.

01:14:33.540 But he was like ... He had been sober for a while, and he'd been doing this so long.

01:14:37.440 And he tried to get you in, and he took you to a meeting.

01:14:39.300 No, all he said was, he goes ... I said, I'm thinking I'm going to quit drinking for a

01:14:42.720 while.

01:14:43.460 And he was like, how long?

01:14:44.560 I said, I don't know.

01:14:45.320 And he was like, hey, sometimes it's easier to just go, let's just take today.

01:14:50.920 Don't worry about when you're going to start.

01:14:52.400 Just take today.

01:14:53.060 I was like, maybe I should.

01:14:54.920 And he goes, and if you need help today, why don't you come to a meeting with me?

01:14:59.580 And I was like, man, my fear was I was going to start drinking because I was so depressed

01:15:03.800 about it with Leanne dumping me.

01:15:05.780 And so I said, I'll go ... I was like, I'll try anything.

01:15:09.680 I was like, I'll go to a meeting.

01:15:10.640 I'll go to a meeting, yeah.

01:15:11.500 We went down.

01:15:12.040 We got coffee.

01:15:12.880 I'd never had coffee at night.

01:15:14.440 Oh, yeah.

01:15:14.840 I'd never done that.

01:15:15.960 We got coffee.

01:15:16.820 We went to the meeting.

01:15:18.160 And he was like, just listen, man.

01:15:20.020 You don't have to do anything.

01:15:20.660 Just listen.

01:15:21.740 So they're going around.

01:15:22.760 Everyone's talking.

01:15:23.960 And it's like four guys from me, and he hits me, and he goes, hey, listen.

01:15:28.720 I know you're a comic.

01:15:29.440 If you want to talk, if you want to talk about what you're going through, everyone's

01:15:31.840 going to listen.

01:15:32.840 And I was like, really?

01:15:34.060 And he was like, yeah, just spill everything.

01:15:36.380 You don't have to be funny.

01:15:36.980 Just spill everything.

01:15:38.100 I was like, all right.

01:15:38.880 All right.

01:15:39.220 Good call.

01:15:40.180 So I'm sitting, and then it gets to me, and I go to stand up, and this guy next to

01:15:43.700 me that I didn't ... He kind of was behind me.

01:15:45.620 He stands up.

01:15:46.340 He goes, actually, I'm having a really rough day.

01:15:48.200 And I was like, okay.

01:15:49.580 And so I sit back down, and he goes, hi, my name's ... I'm an alcoholic.

01:15:53.240 And everyone's like, hi, ... And he goes, oh, it's been a bad day.

01:15:56.560 I woke up this morning, I sucked my landlord's dick, and then I lit his car on fire.

01:16:00.600 And I, as a comic with Theo, I went, how do I follow that?

01:16:04.180 The old exacto.

01:16:05.040 So I just was like, I'm fucking out.

01:16:06.480 I'm like, I'm sitting down.

01:16:07.680 And then I fucking ... I was like, never went back to another meeting.

01:16:10.440 I was like, I can't beat that guy.

01:16:12.900 Yeah, it's hard.

01:16:13.640 And then I stayed sober for eight months, and Leanne and I, one night, we're in Venice,

01:16:18.560 Italy.

01:16:18.740 Why stayed sober for eight months, dude?

01:16:20.800 That's huge.

01:16:22.140 I don't have a problem staying sober.

01:16:24.560 Right.

01:16:24.780 My problem, if there is a problem, my problem is turning it on and off.

01:16:29.700 I don't really do it the way regular people do it, where I don't drink during the days.

01:16:35.280 I only drink at nights.

01:16:36.240 But in a weird way, it's like I get the itch.

01:16:39.300 So like eight o'clock or seven o'clock, Sun starts setting, I go, I wouldn't mind a glass

01:16:42.980 of wine.

01:16:43.420 Yeah.

01:16:43.920 But once I stop drinking, like we do sober October, I have no problem not drinking.

01:16:48.780 Right.

01:16:48.980 And by the way, I have a hard time starting drinking again.

01:16:52.660 But once I start November 1st, I'm back in.

01:16:54.840 I'm back in the game.

01:16:55.760 Like it's not every night, but it's pretty much like any night I'm on the road.

01:17:00.840 Oh, the road must be tough, man.

01:17:02.540 Being sober on the road was really tough because you get done a show, and you're just sitting

01:17:06.900 there like, so now what?

01:17:08.320 Yeah.

01:17:08.520 Like, what do we eat?

01:17:09.320 Like, what are we going to do?

01:17:10.600 Do you want to smoke cigars?

01:17:11.700 And so now you're smoking three cigars a day.

01:17:14.040 And so, and I was working, I was being so healthy, but you, I don't know, when I can

01:17:19.000 drink on the road, I just do it.

01:17:20.840 So.

01:17:21.060 Yeah, I would.

01:17:21.600 I feel like if I'm out there, especially like I'm out there on a tour bus and stuff like

01:17:24.500 that, I would just, yeah, I would probably just be getting hammered out there.

01:17:29.340 I feel like it would be real risky.

01:17:30.740 What was this question we had right here from a young fella or woman?

01:17:33.120 And this is a man.

01:17:34.540 It's kind of what you just talked about.

01:17:36.240 Oh, yeah.

01:17:36.780 Oh, this message is for Bert.

01:17:38.800 Me and Theo come from the same cloth.

01:17:42.760 Looks like I'm coming from God.

01:17:45.660 But how do you drink so much and stop for Sober October?

01:17:51.340 How do you do that?

01:17:52.860 I can't even imagine just stopping drinking like that without any program or anything like

01:17:57.840 that.

01:17:58.060 How do you do it, Bert?

01:17:59.700 Gang, gang, boy.

01:18:01.540 How do you, yeah, how do you do that?

01:18:03.480 I don't know, you just, you just make a decision.

01:18:05.600 You just shut it down.

01:18:06.540 I mean, you know, do you now ramping up until October?

01:18:09.500 Are you like, okay, September, I'm going to drink as much.

01:18:13.520 I got to, I got to, we're going to have this last night is going to be a big party.

01:18:17.140 Do you have a party the night before?

01:18:18.780 No.

01:18:19.220 Yeah.

01:18:19.700 No, actually, usually I'll quit drinking a couple days before.

01:18:22.900 Just kind of prep.

01:18:23.800 No, just because like I go, I don't want to ramp up and be hung over October 1st where

01:18:30.000 I'm like, oh, I'd rather have that shit day here so that if I need a glass of wine to go

01:18:36.080 to bed, like if I'm like, you know, I'm going to have a glass of wine.

01:18:38.360 So like I'll kind of taper it off and then, and then I just stopped.

01:18:41.440 I've done it both ways.

01:18:42.960 I did it this last year.

01:18:44.300 I got fucking wasted, uh, September 30th or whatever, and then turned it off the year

01:18:51.480 before I kind of tapered off a little bit the year before that.

01:18:54.300 I think I, I think I didn't drink because the rule is you can't, you got to stop drinking

01:19:00.240 at midnight, right?

01:19:01.280 So you can't, you can't build up to midnight and then go, I'm done.

01:19:04.340 That's not going to happen.

01:19:05.300 Yeah.

01:19:05.560 So like I always tapered off a tad bit, but, uh, I don't know, man, I have a weird thing

01:19:10.920 in my head.

01:19:11.300 It's, it's very punitive.

01:19:12.540 I'm very punitive and I'm a little obsessive compulsive.

01:19:15.820 So like, like I'm not drinking right now.

01:19:17.720 I'm not going to drink for the next probably.

01:19:19.620 I mean, I may, I may.

01:19:20.760 I've never had anybody drinking here.

01:19:22.060 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:19:23.340 I meant, I meant, I meant, I meant this.

01:19:25.880 I'm not drinking right now, this time of my life.

01:19:27.820 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:19:28.600 And so we got a lot of work to do too right now.

01:19:31.340 Yeah.

01:19:31.640 And I have plenty of fucking free time.

01:19:33.700 I'm like, dude, last thing I'm gonna do is fuck a bunch of free time up with booze.

01:19:36.740 Yeah.

01:19:37.100 It's like when you go on vacation, my biggest mistake when I was younger is I'd go on vacation and get

01:19:40.520 fucking wasted the whole time.

01:19:41.620 The whole time.

01:19:42.040 Come home and be like more tired from the vacation than I was with my wife.

01:19:45.080 Yeah.

01:19:45.240 I went on vacation one time to Hawaii and my wife's like, no booze.

01:19:47.440 I did it and I had a fucking blast.

01:19:49.580 Yeah.

01:19:49.780 Up early, jogging, swimming, snorkeling.

01:19:52.980 Oh, it's like the greatest vacation.

01:19:54.740 I love snorkeling.

01:19:55.900 Oh, dude.

01:19:57.140 Leanne loves snorkeling too.

01:19:57.820 I'm good out there.

01:19:58.660 Oh.

01:19:59.040 When I'm out there, I feel like I'm supposed to be out there.

01:20:01.660 Me too.

01:20:02.540 You know what we did in Fiji, we kind of floated the reef where they drop you off and you just

01:20:06.820 kind of cruise with the reef.

01:20:08.360 Oh.

01:20:09.400 Is Fiji pretty cool?

01:20:10.400 Fiji was fucking awesome.

01:20:11.620 Yeah.

01:20:11.720 It was really great.

01:20:13.080 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:20:13.660 I'm about to say Fiji.

01:20:14.400 Bali.

01:20:14.980 Fiji's great too.

01:20:15.740 Oh, wow.

01:20:16.100 Yeah.

01:20:16.440 I went to Fiji as well.

01:20:17.200 Fiji's amazing, but Bali's fucking legit.

01:20:20.060 I don't know.

01:20:20.600 I wish I could tell you.

01:20:21.460 I talked to Dr. Drew about it, why I get to this place where I shut it down and then

01:20:25.360 I don't.

01:20:25.740 And then I'll tell you right now, man, if I don't drink for this whole time we're off or

01:20:29.740 whatever time we're off, I'll have a really hard time starting again.

01:20:33.220 Do you feel like you have to drink because of your show and because of your act?

01:20:35.960 I think people would be really, I think people would probably look at me different.

01:20:41.340 I think people look at my show as like a reason to tap out and have a good time.

01:20:45.720 Yeah.

01:20:46.120 And I think they, I think.

01:20:47.220 Yeah, let's go celebrate.

01:20:48.020 I'm also the guy that like, when I go to a party, like with parents, I'm the guy that

01:20:52.720 gives everyone a license to get a little loaded.

01:20:55.120 And I don't, you can never tell when I'm wasted.

01:20:56.940 I mean, I can, but you normally people can't.

01:20:59.440 So, so it's, I feel like they go on.

01:21:02.000 Your lips get wetter.

01:21:02.960 I noticed that.

01:21:03.560 Yeah.

01:21:04.640 They do.

01:21:05.560 Yeah.

01:21:06.200 It's okay though.

01:21:07.280 But, but yeah, I don't know how I, I don't know.

01:21:09.640 I wish I knew.

01:21:10.420 And I've talked to Dr. Drew about it.

01:21:12.020 I'm like, am I an alcoholic?

01:21:12.800 He goes, I don't think so.

01:21:14.120 He goes, I think you're going to have health problems if you continue the way you do it.

01:21:17.560 Yeah.

01:21:18.020 So that's where I like turning it off.

01:21:19.800 Yeah.

01:21:20.120 He's so smart too, Dr. Drew, isn't he?

01:21:21.740 He's a dude.

01:21:22.280 He's the bad.

01:21:23.140 This whole coronavirus thing.

01:21:24.720 I've been texting him about like mental health shit.

01:21:27.020 Yeah.

01:21:28.180 I've talked about it, but no one really knows too much about it.

01:21:31.060 But like, I definitely have anxiety like that.

01:21:33.440 I can't, I sometimes I can't deal with.

01:21:35.320 I think that probably leads to me drinking, but there are times where I just like, can't

01:21:41.160 deal with it.

01:21:41.660 And when this coronavirus kicked off, I was like, I was like, I wouldn't leave in the

01:21:47.440 bus.

01:21:47.940 Like we, I like, I was like, yeah, I'm safe here.

01:21:51.060 Like, why would I get out of the bus?

01:21:52.380 It's out there.

01:21:53.080 And everyone's like.

01:21:53.220 And it's where it's just at your place right now.

01:21:54.580 Where is it?

01:21:55.080 It's at my house right now.

01:21:56.120 Yeah.

01:21:56.640 But, uh, but like I wasn't like, we were driving across country with Drew from New Orleans

01:22:00.520 to, uh, LA and I just was like, I just wasn't getting out of the bus.

01:22:04.960 Wow.

01:22:05.580 And they were like, what?

01:22:06.680 And I was, it was like, they didn't know what was going on.

01:22:08.880 So everyone's with me, but I could, my head was just chewing the same thoughts over and

01:22:12.140 over again.

01:22:12.780 So I called Dr.

01:22:13.560 Drew and he's like, all right, let's talk.

01:22:15.960 I go, I'm actually good today.

01:22:17.020 But so, yeah, he's such a nice outlet.

01:22:20.380 He's such a really, yeah, just his tone and everything is a good way to communicate.

01:22:24.120 We had a question that came up right here from a young woman.

01:22:26.200 This is a man actually.

01:22:30.820 Young fella.

01:22:32.240 Bert, got a question for you.

01:22:34.660 If there's no Tito's available, what's your, what's your other go-to drink?

01:22:40.300 And Theo, back in your, uh, your drinking days, what was your, what was your go-to drink?

01:22:46.000 Gang, gang.

01:22:47.300 Gang, bro.

01:22:49.060 Well, I like to do a Miller High Life was a beer that I really enjoyed.

01:22:54.640 Really?

01:22:54.960 And it's in Europe too.

01:22:56.660 And it's a beer that I always, that I thoroughly enjoyed was a Miller High Life.

01:23:00.180 And I, and I used to live with a man who would eat Tostitos at night and drink Miller Lite.

01:23:05.660 So sometimes I'd sit in the living room and watch him.

01:23:07.400 He didn't know I was sitting there in the dark watching him.

01:23:08.980 And he'd be on the computer looking at pornography and shit, eating fucking Tostitos and drinking

01:23:12.960 Miller Lite.

01:23:14.320 And I used to watch him.

01:23:15.320 But yeah, when I was drinking, what else did we have?

01:23:17.860 A little bit of Mad Dog.

01:23:19.980 Um, 2020 was kind of popular.

01:23:22.240 Ripple.

01:23:22.920 A lot of the brothers would fucking let you hit that ripple jug, you know?

01:23:26.240 Yeah.

01:23:26.460 And, uh, but yeah, once we got into college, beer, you know, and then once I got out of

01:23:33.600 there, I went through a gin and tonic phase over there in Charleston, South Carolina.

01:23:38.060 Gin and tonics are beautiful.

01:23:39.580 Oh my God.

01:23:40.680 What's in them?

01:23:41.380 They're fucking good.

01:23:41.780 If you don't talk too much about booze, like I'll literally get my hopes up.

01:23:45.400 Yeah.

01:23:45.520 Like I'll go, like you, you, you can sell me on a drink where I go, I got, I might need

01:23:49.900 one of those.

01:23:50.420 I talked to someone today and he was like, I'm having a white wine.

01:23:52.700 I'm on the keys.

01:23:53.980 I'm was coronavirus is freaking me out.

01:23:55.280 I just woke up.

01:23:55.880 I poured a white wine.

01:23:56.640 And then my, it's like four in the morning to me.

01:23:59.180 Yeah.

01:23:59.660 I'm doing a radio tour.

01:24:00.440 And I was like, God, I want a fucking glass of white wine.

01:24:02.380 White wine.

01:24:02.960 Yeah.

01:24:03.180 I don't, I don't have a problem getting back on.

01:24:05.960 Look, you'd like me walking my way into back drinking tonight.

01:24:08.300 Look, I don't have a problem, man.

01:24:09.340 I might drink tonight.

01:24:10.280 This doesn't be totally fine.

01:24:11.360 Yeah.

01:24:11.640 But man, gin and tonics.

01:24:12.880 Oh, they were great.

01:24:14.640 Gin and tonics on Monday night football.

01:24:16.540 Oh, really?

01:24:17.760 My sister worked, got a job at Fox.

01:24:19.700 We just had Georgia and we used to go over to her house in like, oh, down on Pico.

01:24:25.640 My two sisters lived together.

01:24:27.040 My sister and I would make gin and tonics and we'd make dinner.

01:24:30.260 We'd watch my daughter.

01:24:30.900 My wife would go to tennis practice.

01:24:32.360 My other sister would come home and we'd all grill out, have gin and tonics.

01:24:36.300 Gin and tonics remind me of Monday night football.

01:24:38.280 That's awesome, man.

01:24:39.500 It's such a, we drink them out at this place.

01:24:42.200 I don't remember what it was called and just stand out there and look at the grass and have

01:24:44.740 a couple of gin and tonics, bro.

01:24:45.960 They had like, you know, like a lot of like marsh grass and palmettos and stuff like that.

01:24:51.860 So this is in South Carolina and we drink nine of them, 11 of them, man.

01:24:55.840 Fucking drink those bitches till your eyes wouldn't close, you know?

01:24:58.500 It's funny.

01:24:58.900 I don't enjoy the taste.

01:24:59.680 I have to lay a rag over my eyes to sleep.

01:25:02.440 I couldn't get my eyes closed if I had enough, too much gin.

01:25:05.120 I couldn't.

01:25:05.840 I never, I know.

01:25:06.700 I don't really love the taste of Tito's and sodas.

01:25:10.040 I love the taste of a gin and tonic.

01:25:11.860 Yeah.

01:25:12.420 Like, I love the taste of a Bloody Mary, a strong Bloody Mary, spicy.

01:25:16.460 I love that taste.

01:25:17.360 I love the taste of a white Russian.

01:25:18.740 Oh, yeah.

01:25:19.220 I love the taste.

01:25:20.160 I just got back into IPAs.

01:25:22.040 I wasn't an IPA guy.

01:25:23.520 Dude, I had a period where I couldn't drink IPAs because I was drinking one in the morning.

01:25:26.800 They used to give these gravity jugs.

01:25:28.560 I was taking a shower.

01:25:30.140 I had to jump off the stratosphere that day, that next day.

01:25:32.600 Oh, wow.

01:25:33.020 And I was in the shower in Utah, and I had a, they called it a gravity jug, and it was

01:25:36.760 like a really strong IPA, and I was getting ready to go on a plane.

01:25:39.480 I'm drinking in the shower because I don't want to fucking fly.

01:25:41.920 I have so much anxiety.

01:25:42.880 And I'm running late for the flight, and I drank too much, and I threw up an IPA, a

01:25:49.120 strong IPA in the shower.

01:25:51.420 Ugh.

01:25:52.760 I was thinking about it.

01:25:54.380 It's too much, huh?

01:25:55.380 Oof.

01:25:55.800 I couldn't drink IPAs for a long time.

01:25:58.240 And then once-

01:25:58.880 Because those tannins and stuff from that oak or whatever gets into your gills.

01:26:02.800 Do you know what I miss?

01:26:04.160 Because I can't drink it because I'm on blood pressure medicine, is grapefruit and vodka.

01:26:08.920 Oh, wow.

01:26:09.420 I never heard that.

01:26:09.920 Grapefruit and gin is fucking awesome.

01:26:12.300 Geez, you've named every drink on this one.

01:26:14.820 Dude, that's very good, bro.

01:26:16.000 Dude, a jack on the rocks.

01:26:17.140 Double jack on the rocks.

01:26:18.460 Lots of ice.

01:26:19.180 That's my takeoff drink on planes.

01:26:20.680 Oh, really?

01:26:21.080 Sit down on a plane.

01:26:21.860 What do you want, sir?

01:26:22.640 I'll take a double jack on the rocks.

01:26:23.880 Lots of ice.

01:26:24.360 Lots of ice, please.

01:26:25.320 These are how I take my-

01:26:26.340 These are on my orders.

01:26:27.400 This is when you know you drink too much.

01:26:28.840 These are my orders, okay?

01:26:30.760 Double Tito's soda, big glass, no lime.

01:26:32.580 Can I get a double jack on the rocks?

01:26:34.000 Lots of ice.

01:26:34.500 Can I get a beer but pour it in the glass?

01:26:36.080 Just pour the whole thing in the glass?

01:26:37.320 Do not just give me the can.

01:26:38.720 Okay.

01:26:39.000 No, no, actually, give me the can.

01:26:40.520 Give me the can.

01:26:40.960 Don't pour it in the glass.

01:26:42.720 Yeah, man, I am really specific about how I take drinks.

01:26:45.280 But look, I think also, I think men, as they get older,

01:26:47.960 they get specific about how they take everything.

01:26:50.060 It's not like, don't give me this, just like I'm 19 again.

01:26:53.840 It was when you were a kid and you'd have to call your dad

01:26:55.500 and be like, how do I like my steak?

01:26:56.940 And he'd be like, medium rare.

01:26:58.260 How do I get this tie to work?

01:26:59.640 Yeah, how do I do this?

01:27:00.560 Now it's like you know exactly how you want things.

01:27:02.740 It's just like, okay, this is how I do it

01:27:04.260 or I don't do it at all.

01:27:05.320 Do you remember?

01:27:05.560 It was like the first time you ever bought a car

01:27:07.180 and you like, you picked it out.

01:27:08.820 Paid cash, boy.

01:27:10.120 1984 Ford Escort, dude.

01:27:12.700 With no passenger seat.

01:27:15.060 Somebody stole it.

01:27:17.140 But it had it when I got it.

01:27:18.480 But I think the guy stole it back, the guy I bought it from.

01:27:20.580 Really?

01:27:20.960 Yeah, I never really went into it, but I do think that.

01:27:23.900 But like the first car you bought,

01:27:25.940 like that you went into a dealership

01:27:27.560 and you said like, I'm looking at this.

01:27:31.380 And the guy showed you things and you were like,

01:27:34.080 he's like, what color would you look?

01:27:35.220 And you had to make all these decisions on your own.

01:27:37.660 My first car was an Expedition,

01:27:42.280 an Eddie Bauer black on tan Expedition.

01:27:45.120 Praise God, I remember those.

01:27:46.180 And I remember looking at it and going, this is the car.

01:27:48.700 This is it.

01:27:49.360 I want the tan interior.

01:27:50.600 I can sleep in the back.

01:27:51.440 Yeah.

01:27:51.980 Oh, I slept in that back a lot.

01:27:53.700 I fucked Leanne in the driver's seat one time.

01:27:55.660 Did you really?

01:27:56.160 Yeah, she slammed my thumb in the car door

01:27:58.080 and I didn't care.

01:27:59.080 I just kept banging away.

01:28:00.140 Middle of the night, that thumb started hurting more

01:28:01.940 than I've ever felt anything hurt.

01:28:03.440 And she took a needle, lit it over a match

01:28:06.040 and pushed it in, popped it

01:28:07.400 and blood squirted out of her fucking thumb.

01:28:09.620 That was the most pain I've,

01:28:10.760 that's probably the most pain I've ever been in my life.

01:28:12.800 That fucking thumb.

01:28:14.020 Yeah.

01:28:14.760 The fingers are really,

01:28:16.320 it's amazing kind of sometimes what's in there.

01:28:18.180 You know, you wonder what's in your hands all the time.

01:28:21.680 Have you seen that show,

01:28:22.960 My Feet Are Killing Me?

01:28:23.980 I don't watch that kind of stuff.

01:28:25.820 We've got a question right here from somebody.

01:28:28.940 Oh, John Reap.

01:28:30.460 Yeah.

01:28:31.100 Yeah, what up, Theo?

01:28:32.340 It's Nick from Melbourne, Australia.

01:28:33.920 Cheers, man.

01:28:35.080 My question's for Bert.

01:28:37.460 Did the LA Marathon, did the triathlon.

01:28:41.200 What's next?

01:28:43.040 Surely we can squeeze a big bike ride or something out of you.

01:28:45.960 Gang, gang.

01:28:46.660 Gang, brother.

01:28:48.020 Yeah, Bert, it's crazy

01:28:48.880 because from one end of the spectrum you hit,

01:28:50.940 you hit the other end of the spectrum too, man.

01:28:52.600 Some real pinnacles athletically.

01:28:54.240 Yeah, I already rode a bike.

01:28:55.460 I rode a bike from Philadelphia to Atlantic City.

01:28:57.600 That was fucking it.

01:28:57.860 It's not that far, is it?

01:28:58.700 That was really fucking it.

01:28:59.680 Really?

01:29:00.080 It took me five hours.

01:29:01.260 Oh, wow.

01:29:02.040 Dude, that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done

01:29:04.000 because I had partied the night before,

01:29:06.480 but I was at my biggest I'd ever been weight-wise,

01:29:08.840 so I rode it and it was just, I mean.

01:29:12.140 There's a lot of gunplay over there in Philly too.

01:29:15.040 Hour 25 and about, how many miles is it?

01:29:18.240 68.4.

01:29:19.300 68.4.

01:29:20.280 It was fucking.

01:29:21.940 Some sharp elevation.

01:29:22.640 Five hours and 22 minutes.

01:29:23.980 I did it much longer, by the way.

01:29:25.700 I think I did it in like five hours.

01:29:27.600 I almost probably did it in six hours.

01:29:29.080 Wow, congratulations, man.

01:29:30.180 That's amazing.

01:29:30.740 We're talking about swimming in the Catalina Channel,

01:29:32.860 me and my buddy.

01:29:33.580 You know Dave Williamson?

01:29:35.000 Comedian.

01:29:35.520 Oh, yeah.

01:29:36.080 I do know Dave Williamson, man.

01:29:37.220 Dave from Miami.

01:29:38.180 He tours with me,

01:29:39.020 and Dave wants to swim in the Catalina Channel.

01:29:41.360 Wow.

01:29:41.720 And I was like,

01:29:42.440 if you're going to train for it,

01:29:43.560 I might as well train for it and see if I can do it.

01:29:45.200 I'd rather swim with a guy

01:29:46.400 so if the shark goes after him.

01:29:48.620 Oh, yeah.

01:29:49.200 And if some people,

01:29:50.280 you always want to have that shark buddy,

01:29:51.880 like, yeah, let's get in, dude.

01:29:53.240 You know what I'm saying, bro?

01:29:54.180 Sure, sure, yeah.

01:29:54.900 Yeah.

01:29:55.340 Well, get a couple tattoos of meat on your legs

01:29:57.320 and then let's get in.

01:29:59.120 Get a packet of blood,

01:30:00.160 just squirt it on him.

01:30:01.160 Hey, he's right there.

01:30:01.800 He's right there.

01:30:02.560 I know who you're looking for.

01:30:03.480 This is your third or fourth special?

01:30:07.640 My fourth.

01:30:08.400 Wow.

01:30:09.040 Yeah, my fourth, and then...

01:30:10.980 What gets easier about them as you go along?

01:30:13.520 Really?

01:30:14.080 Yeah, it's actually gotten harder, I think,

01:30:16.160 because it's, like,

01:30:19.900 the comfortably dumb,

01:30:22.080 I just told all the jokes I had.

01:30:24.180 Right.

01:30:24.440 That was it.

01:30:24.860 I was, like, just told every joke I had.

01:30:26.140 Yeah, that's what I did in my first special.

01:30:26.820 Yeah.

01:30:27.860 The machine,

01:30:28.960 I had a good length of time between that,

01:30:31.040 like, probably,

01:30:31.540 I want to say, like,

01:30:32.160 eight years or something.

01:30:33.480 I don't know when I did the machine,

01:30:35.320 but, like, maybe seven years,

01:30:36.400 five years,

01:30:37.040 but I had some time,

01:30:37.980 and I had this machine story worked out,

01:30:39.620 and I knew that was the end.

01:30:40.800 I knew that was going to end it,

01:30:42.200 and I had these great stories.

01:30:43.080 I had these stories that were really working,

01:30:44.520 like fighting a bear,

01:30:45.880 jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray,

01:30:47.300 the machines.

01:30:47.860 All I needed to do was tether them together,

01:30:50.740 and, by the way,

01:30:51.740 there was no pressure.

01:30:52.400 It was showtime.

01:30:53.220 Everyone was like,

01:30:53.860 no one's going to watch it,

01:30:55.180 and no one did,

01:30:55.920 but that machine story went viral,

01:30:57.340 so then there was, like,

01:30:58.340 a little bit of an expectation

01:31:00.240 when I did my next one,

01:31:01.360 but not much,

01:31:01.960 because Netflix was like,

01:31:03.380 yeah, well,

01:31:04.000 we'll do a special with you.

01:31:05.280 They didn't say, like,

01:31:06.360 we want to do a special.

01:31:07.480 They were like,

01:31:07.860 we'll do a special with you,

01:31:09.580 so we did the Secret Time,

01:31:11.340 and the Secret Time

01:31:11.820 was the first ever successful thing

01:31:14.100 I ever did in my life

01:31:14.900 where I was like,

01:31:16.520 there was the,

01:31:17.080 actually, no lie,

01:31:18.320 that was the first successful thing

01:31:20.440 I ever did in my entire fucking career,

01:31:22.680 and, by the way,

01:31:23.360 I'd been in the business 20 years,

01:31:25.400 and that was the first thing I did

01:31:26.880 that anyone ever watched.

01:31:27.780 And what determined for you

01:31:28.560 that it was successful?

01:31:29.620 I was able to sell a tour.

01:31:30.740 I was able to sell.

01:31:31.840 Oh, I see.

01:31:32.340 I did Secret Time,

01:31:33.580 and then,

01:31:34.720 like, I mean,

01:31:35.300 when the machine went viral,

01:31:36.940 that sold out comedy clubs

01:31:38.380 for, like, two years.

01:31:40.020 Wow.

01:31:40.480 Two years straight,

01:31:41.180 three years,

01:31:41.640 I could do,

01:31:42.520 sell it all comedy clubs.

01:31:43.860 And then when I did Secret Time,

01:31:46.140 everyone, you know,

01:31:46.740 your team says,

01:31:47.480 all right,

01:31:47.680 we're going to make the leap

01:31:48.200 to theaters,

01:31:48.660 and you're like,

01:31:49.120 I don't really give a fuck.

01:31:50.380 The money at comedy clubs

01:31:51.400 is just fine,

01:31:52.680 and you've got to take a hit

01:31:53.980 unless you do really successful.

01:31:55.140 And when Secret Time came out,

01:31:56.740 I just didn't have the radar to like,

01:31:58.300 I didn't know that people watched it.

01:32:00.240 I didn't know that anyone liked it.

01:32:02.380 I didn't know that it was any good.

01:32:03.480 I didn't have any idea what I was doing.

01:32:06.300 I just did it.

01:32:07.380 These were the thoughts I had.

01:32:08.900 I had hung out with D'Elia.

01:32:10.200 D'Elia said no one watched

01:32:11.380 after 30 minutes is special.

01:32:13.200 So for Secret Time,

01:32:14.980 based on that simple conversation

01:32:16.620 I had with D'Elia,

01:32:17.340 I took all the best material

01:32:19.240 that I had that had been spread

01:32:20.660 throughout with a closer,

01:32:22.000 I moved the closer to 22 minutes,

01:32:23.600 and I took anything that popped

01:32:24.980 and I moved it up front.

01:32:26.320 I front-loaded the fuck out of that special.

01:32:29.160 And because I did,

01:32:30.020 people got to the closer

01:32:30.880 and were like,

01:32:31.300 well, fuck it.

01:32:31.640 I'll watch the rest of it.

01:32:33.020 And so that was probably

01:32:35.840 the easiest,

01:32:37.960 because I had no shame about it.

01:32:39.120 I didn't mind promoting the fuck out of it

01:32:40.480 because I didn't,

01:32:41.180 I was like,

01:32:41.620 I've been failing my whole life.

01:32:42.620 This is going to fail,

01:32:43.820 but I'm not going to let it fail.

01:32:44.800 I'm going to just swing.

01:32:45.940 Every attempt I get,

01:32:46.860 I'm going to swing for the fences

01:32:47.820 and try to get it to succeed.

01:32:49.320 And then it did,

01:32:49.960 and then this one was like,

01:32:51.920 like when you say,

01:32:53.500 this one was really stressful

01:32:54.460 because I was like,

01:32:57.620 I'm doing,

01:32:58.140 I'm trying some different stuff.

01:32:59.360 I'm doing the stuff that I do well,

01:33:01.340 like talk about my daughters,

01:33:02.640 talk about my wife,

01:33:03.300 talk about my family,

01:33:03.940 talk about being a bad dad,

01:33:05.020 about drinking.

01:33:05.760 We got an adventure story.

01:33:07.040 Like I do all the things,

01:33:08.260 but then I was like,

01:33:09.400 I would watch comics that I loved

01:33:12.280 do the exact same thing

01:33:14.800 that they had done

01:33:15.700 in the previous special,

01:33:17.040 meaning like it was almost like,

01:33:18.760 keep riding the same pony.

01:33:19.760 Same exact same horse.

01:33:21.240 It never changed.

01:33:22.000 It never changed.

01:33:22.600 And it bummed me out

01:33:23.480 because I was like,

01:33:24.560 in my head,

01:33:25.400 silently I'd go,

01:33:26.140 I thought you were better than that.

01:33:27.260 Like I thought,

01:33:27.840 I thought you were better than me

01:33:29.260 and I know I wouldn't do that.

01:33:30.800 And Burr was like fucking,

01:33:32.680 you know,

01:33:32.980 Burr and Rogan are two dudes

01:33:34.520 that have said,

01:33:35.860 throw away things to me

01:33:36.980 that I've hung my fucking hat on.

01:33:38.980 Wow.

01:33:39.440 Burr said one time,

01:33:41.020 if you're,

01:33:41.580 something to the effect,

01:33:42.300 if you're not challenging yourself,

01:33:44.300 then you're not getting better.

01:33:45.760 And if you're not getting better,

01:33:46.900 then why would anyone want to watch you?

01:33:48.320 So I legit challenged myself.

01:33:51.940 I said,

01:33:53.160 I said,

01:33:53.780 I talked to Stan Hope

01:33:55.500 and Stan Hope,

01:33:56.400 he was like,

01:33:57.960 he was drinking one morning

01:33:59.000 and I was like,

01:33:59.620 what are you doing?

01:33:59.960 He goes,

01:34:00.200 I'm writing knock-knock jokes.

01:34:01.840 And I went,

01:34:02.180 what?

01:34:02.980 He's like,

01:34:03.280 yeah,

01:34:03.380 I'm writing goofs,

01:34:04.000 man.

01:34:04.160 Like just goofs.

01:34:04.840 You know,

01:34:05.020 I'm fucking around.

01:34:05.560 I'm not writing material.

01:34:06.400 I'm just,

01:34:06.580 just,

01:34:07.260 you know,

01:34:07.420 working with my brain.

01:34:08.220 Just working his brain.

01:34:09.040 Yeah.

01:34:09.180 Getting the brain

01:34:09.760 to really do something.

01:34:11.460 And he's like,

01:34:11.760 we're as funny as those guys,

01:34:12.860 right?

01:34:13.000 We got to be as funny as those guys.

01:34:14.500 I was like,

01:34:15.700 yeah.

01:34:16.460 He's like,

01:34:16.860 there's no way they're funnier than we were.

01:34:18.600 We're,

01:34:18.760 we're funny.

01:34:19.740 So why can't we write knock-knock jokes?

01:34:21.460 I went,

01:34:21.620 yeah,

01:34:21.720 why not?

01:34:22.560 And then I started getting obsessed with Norm MacDonald.

01:34:24.440 He's a guy that could write a knock-knock joke.

01:34:26.180 Like he's a guy.

01:34:26.960 Yeah.

01:34:27.240 Who could take a standard structured joke and then,

01:34:29.760 and then make it.

01:34:30.720 Now me,

01:34:32.320 I'll speak,

01:34:32.840 I'll speak only for me,

01:34:33.620 but I think all of us,

01:34:34.680 me,

01:34:34.860 you,

01:34:35.020 Segura,

01:34:35.740 uh,

01:34:36.140 like our group of guys,

01:34:37.300 D'Elia,

01:34:38.100 Santino,

01:34:38.820 every,

01:34:39.140 all,

01:34:39.400 all of us,

01:34:40.660 we do what we do in our own way,

01:34:42.660 but it's not traditional standup.

01:34:44.860 Right.

01:34:45.360 And I'm not going to get,

01:34:46.580 I'm not going to go into that,

01:34:47.660 like go into like,

01:34:48.720 I'm going to do traditional standup.

01:34:50.440 I was like,

01:34:50.840 I got,

01:34:51.120 I would like to challenge myself to write a guy walks into a bar joke.

01:34:54.660 Yeah.

01:34:54.920 And so I did it and I think it's good.

01:34:56.640 And I think it's probably the best joke I've ever written,

01:34:58.260 but I don't think you'd know it's a guy walks into a bar joke until if I,

01:35:01.860 unless I told you and then you go,

01:35:03.820 Oh shit.

01:35:04.700 And so,

01:35:05.140 and like,

01:35:05.520 so I did,

01:35:06.300 I did that.

01:35:06.920 I tried to do this thing about this gun bit,

01:35:08.840 which I think is one of the better bits I've ever written.

01:35:11.180 I've seen that.

01:35:11.860 I've seen,

01:35:12.160 I believe that I've seen you.

01:35:13.060 I've seen you do that bit at the comedy store,

01:35:14.700 man.

01:35:14.800 I thought it was so good.

01:35:16.120 Yeah.

01:35:16.300 And so I just try to challenge myself.

01:35:18.180 And if I succeeded,

01:35:19.200 then great.

01:35:19.880 But if I didn't,

01:35:21.100 then if I didn't,

01:35:22.180 you still got the stuff you love,

01:35:23.160 but I did.

01:35:23.920 And I think these,

01:35:26.640 exactly what you said about your special.

01:35:28.460 That's how I feel right now.

01:35:29.660 So I'm super proud of this fucking thing,

01:35:31.040 but like,

01:35:31.800 you don't know.

01:35:32.680 Yeah.

01:35:33.020 I don't want to be like some guy that's like,

01:35:35.180 and who would I be if I,

01:35:36.300 yeah,

01:35:36.640 I think there's a,

01:35:37.320 there's definitely a thing of learning to be proud of things.

01:35:39.480 And then there's also a thing of constantly,

01:35:42.360 okay,

01:35:43.400 how do I,

01:35:44.920 how am I going to challenge myself again?

01:35:46.660 Where am I going to move the bar?

01:35:48.040 Am I going to stay in this safe?

01:35:49.440 Take a look at where you've challenged yourself.

01:35:51.840 Like I heard a joke that you threw away the other day.

01:35:55.160 And I thought old Theo.

01:35:57.900 So I,

01:35:58.180 someone was telling me this joke.

01:35:59.180 They go,

01:35:59.440 it was a throwaway.

01:36:00.200 I brought it up to you and he was like,

01:36:01.180 Oh yeah,

01:36:01.480 whatever.

01:36:02.360 And I thought old Theo would have hung his hat on that joke.

01:36:04.840 And that would have been in his act.

01:36:05.680 And that would have been,

01:36:06.300 he would have sat every night on stage where you are today,

01:36:08.460 because you've challenged yourself and taken fucking big strides.

01:36:11.420 Now you're fucking where you're at in standups next fucking level,

01:36:14.800 but you got it.

01:36:15.700 We always challenged ourselves when we were younger.

01:36:18.220 Yeah.

01:36:18.320 Always think about it.

01:36:19.320 If you stayed where you were at an open micro and you were like,

01:36:21.660 I'm getting laughs.

01:36:22.400 That's what I'll do.

01:36:23.080 We,

01:36:23.520 and we know those guys.

01:36:24.520 Yeah.

01:36:25.040 Then,

01:36:25.320 then they stayed here the whole time.

01:36:27.260 But instead some guys,

01:36:29.320 you get those laughs and open mics.

01:36:31.260 You're like,

01:36:31.480 I'm actually better than those cheap laughs.

01:36:33.440 I got this.

01:36:34.240 Yeah.

01:36:34.340 The cheap laughs scare me now.

01:36:35.740 Cause sometimes I want to tell a joke.

01:36:36.920 I don't know something new to do.

01:36:38.460 Yeah.

01:36:38.940 And I haven't been on,

01:36:39.580 I haven't been on stage that much,

01:36:40.320 but I want to do something new.

01:36:41.460 And I'll be like,

01:36:42.160 man,

01:36:42.760 there's a couple of cheap jokes that I really liked that.

01:36:44.840 Yeah.

01:36:45.120 Five,

01:36:45.660 eight years ago I'd have been like,

01:36:46.880 Oh,

01:36:47.160 definitely.

01:36:48.100 But now I'm like,

01:36:49.440 I just can't do that.

01:36:50.800 It's not going to make me feel good.

01:36:53.080 If we worked together in,

01:36:54.140 in San Francisco and you sat down and you told a,

01:36:58.600 like a solid eight minute story about that Mexican man that went to school

01:37:02.540 with you.

01:37:03.080 Oh yeah.

01:37:03.860 I'm on the floor.

01:37:05.540 You would have never had the balls to do that in what was like 800 people.

01:37:10.160 You would never have the balls to do that when you first started,

01:37:13.140 but you challenged yourself and challenged yourself.

01:37:15.560 And I think we have to keep doing that as comics.

01:37:18.460 When we do specials,

01:37:19.620 we can't just go,

01:37:21.080 well,

01:37:21.380 secret time worked.

01:37:22.160 Let me just do a carbon copy of that.

01:37:24.440 Change out the punch lines,

01:37:25.800 but same structure.

01:37:26.980 That structure works.

01:37:28.160 Yeah.

01:37:28.480 Why wouldn't I do that again?

01:37:29.440 Well,

01:37:29.680 I think it's,

01:37:30.620 I think it's,

01:37:31.320 you know,

01:37:31.460 and I might be thinking way too much about it.

01:37:33.060 I know that probably guys like Rogan will probably be like,

01:37:35.620 dude,

01:37:35.740 just be funny.

01:37:36.720 Burr would,

01:37:37.160 Burr would,

01:37:37.760 Burr would,

01:37:38.340 and even after all Burr's advice,

01:37:39.800 he'd be like,

01:37:40.640 bro,

01:37:40.920 just be funny.

01:37:41.640 Remember,

01:37:41.860 that's like the rule.

01:37:42.800 Yeah.

01:37:43.080 You don't have to be,

01:37:44.020 you don't have to fucking sit here like a workout class.

01:37:45.840 We don't have to save the world.

01:37:47.220 We don't have to,

01:37:47.540 yeah.

01:37:47.680 Just make me laugh.

01:37:48.560 We just have to be funny.

01:37:49.220 Yeah.

01:37:49.540 But also at a certain point,

01:37:50.640 you have to make yourself laugh too.

01:37:52.200 Yeah,

01:37:52.520 you have to,

01:37:53.280 or you're just not going to care about it.

01:37:54.880 You're just not going to be,

01:37:56.420 unless you're a joke writer,

01:37:57.960 if you're a storyteller,

01:37:58.980 then I think it's different.

01:38:00.100 I think we're storytellers,

01:38:01.060 and I think we take people places.

01:38:04.180 Yeah,

01:38:04.420 it's a little different.

01:38:04.500 And if you want to be a good storyteller,

01:38:06.420 you got to like,

01:38:07.800 you got to figure out new ways to,

01:38:09.240 I mean,

01:38:09.420 the way you're telling stories now,

01:38:10.580 man,

01:38:10.840 no one's doing it like you.

01:38:13.040 Thanks,

01:38:13.480 man.

01:38:13.680 It's the truth,

01:38:14.420 and everyone talks about it.

01:38:15.820 Fucking everyone talks about it.

01:38:17.680 But you didn't just show up with that.

01:38:20.760 You had to work there.

01:38:21.720 Right.

01:38:22.180 And so why would you ignore that?

01:38:24.120 Why would you go,

01:38:24.720 okay,

01:38:24.880 I'm here.

01:38:25.340 I'm done.

01:38:26.100 I'll just do this for the rest.

01:38:27.260 I'll do this exact same thing for the rest of my life.

01:38:28.960 But do you ever think like,

01:38:29.680 oh,

01:38:29.860 am I going to be stuck?

01:38:31.340 Do you ever think though,

01:38:32.140 that I'm going to be stuck here?

01:38:33.920 Yeah.

01:38:34.100 Like I'm just going to be able to do this?

01:38:35.520 Or do you think like,

01:38:36.920 oh,

01:38:37.160 okay,

01:38:37.400 I will continue to evolve.

01:38:38.920 Do you ever just wonder for yourself,

01:38:40.480 like,

01:38:40.600 will I continue to evolve?

01:38:41.660 I think everybody kind of wonders that like,

01:38:43.600 I would,

01:38:43.900 like,

01:38:44.340 is the gas tank going to run out?

01:38:45.960 You know,

01:38:46.600 I feel like that.

01:38:47.560 Yeah.

01:38:47.880 Well,

01:38:48.280 cause you know,

01:38:48.660 I get in my own way.

01:38:49.540 It's like,

01:38:50.380 cause I did travel channel for so long.

01:38:51.780 And then when I got out of travel channel,

01:38:53.640 I was like,

01:38:55.140 I was,

01:38:55.480 I found success in podcasting and standup.

01:38:57.580 And that was it.

01:38:58.280 And I went,

01:38:58.920 fuck it.

01:38:59.240 I'm done.

01:38:59.960 And I literally turned a middle finger to everyone in Hollywood.

01:39:03.080 And they'd be like,

01:39:03.960 Hey,

01:39:04.040 we want you to do this.

01:39:04.660 I would pass.

01:39:05.700 I want you to do this.

01:39:06.380 Pass.

01:39:06.800 And then everyone came at me with a project and I passed on everything.

01:39:10.160 And then one day I went,

01:39:12.060 I like,

01:39:12.560 I like,

01:39:13.140 I remember someone got like a movie.

01:39:15.520 I mean,

01:39:16.000 Tom did a movie maybe or something.

01:39:17.780 I only say Tom cause I talk to him so much,

01:39:19.220 but like Tom did a movie with Marky Mark.

01:39:21.600 And I was like,

01:39:22.180 why would you do that?

01:39:23.060 And he was like,

01:39:23.460 well,

01:39:23.660 you gotta,

01:39:24.380 you gotta try new stuff.

01:39:26.780 And I was like,

01:39:27.560 what do you mean trying to like,

01:39:28.720 it's who the fuck wants to be a movie with Mark Wahlberg?

01:39:31.000 And he was like,

01:39:32.240 it's a life experience.

01:39:33.780 Don't you want to try shit?

01:39:35.240 And then I was like,

01:39:36.520 oh yeah,

01:39:36.840 maybe I should,

01:39:37.780 maybe I should also,

01:39:38.960 maybe I have time to also do other stuff.

01:39:41.240 And then I was like,

01:39:42.140 okay,

01:39:43.180 like I'll do,

01:39:44.100 let's do a series.

01:39:44.840 And so we did a,

01:39:45.880 we did a series with Netflix.

01:39:47.840 And then I was like,

01:39:49.020 I was like,

01:39:49.340 oh,

01:39:49.500 maybe we can do a sitcom.

01:39:50.580 I wouldn't mind doing a sitcom.

01:39:51.620 And then I started going like,

01:39:52.820 Hey,

01:39:52.920 I'm cool with doing a movie also.

01:39:54.100 Like I'm not,

01:39:55.260 I can,

01:39:55.880 I can be in this lane and then do other stuff around.

01:39:58.660 I got in this mindset where I look at,

01:40:00.080 you look at Rogan,

01:40:00.880 who's our fucking,

01:40:01.960 who he's our Messiah,

01:40:03.500 man.

01:40:03.700 And I don't mean that like in a,

01:40:04.800 in a,

01:40:05.000 but like he's our guy,

01:40:06.700 like,

01:40:06.960 right.

01:40:07.060 He's a template.

01:40:07.820 He's a template.

01:40:08.380 And he's put us all over and gave us all amazing opportunities.

01:40:11.280 And every single one of us acknowledge it,

01:40:13.140 but in acknowledging it,

01:40:14.300 you also see that path that he carved through stone for himself.

01:40:18.520 And you realize,

01:40:20.020 man,

01:40:20.160 if I stay in that path,

01:40:21.100 I got a great life.

01:40:21.940 Like I can just do podcasts,

01:40:23.640 just do standup,

01:40:24.740 do spots of the story,

01:40:25.720 the improv,

01:40:26.180 the ice house,

01:40:26.680 and fucking there is room to grow.

01:40:30.520 But you also got to go,

01:40:32.020 Hey man,

01:40:32.360 I'm also not Joe.

01:40:33.180 I'm not the best listener.

01:40:34.720 Like,

01:40:34.940 yeah,

01:40:35.260 I'm not the best interviewer.

01:40:36.960 I'm,

01:40:37.500 I don't know what I'm,

01:40:38.880 my,

01:40:39.140 they're not,

01:40:39.720 I have no discipline.

01:40:40.820 Not as smart.

01:40:41.540 I'm not as smart.

01:40:42.340 Like,

01:40:42.600 so like,

01:40:43.260 so like maybe I should also try the things that I'm also really good at.

01:40:46.620 And I'm saying that for myself.

01:40:47.560 Yeah.

01:40:47.780 Myself too.

01:40:48.420 I'm thinking of myself.

01:40:48.860 Yeah.

01:40:49.040 Oh,

01:40:49.300 I'm the fucking,

01:40:50.200 I'm a window licking ninny.

01:40:51.800 Like I'm definitely not saying that you're not as smart,

01:40:54.260 but yeah,

01:40:54.940 we're not as smart.

01:40:55.800 I'm not Joe Rogan.

01:40:57.200 I'll tell you that,

01:40:57.720 man.

01:40:57.860 I'm,

01:40:58.080 I found that out many times the hard way.

01:40:59.900 Yeah.

01:41:00.240 I'm slow Rogan.

01:41:01.260 I think I'm Mo Rogan.

01:41:03.740 One of the three Rogans.

01:41:05.380 There's Larry,

01:41:06.700 something in Mo.

01:41:09.500 Slow and Mo.

01:41:11.160 That's funny.

01:41:12.360 Dude.

01:41:12.560 Well,

01:41:12.660 I can't wait to see it,

01:41:13.580 man.

01:41:13.760 I haven't watched it yet,

01:41:14.540 but I'm looking forward to it.

01:41:15.740 Appreciate it.

01:41:16.300 The last special I watched was Jim Gaffigan's and I really,

01:41:18.540 really loved it.

01:41:19.000 The one that we did on Amazon,

01:41:20.120 I thought was really good.

01:41:21.240 I love,

01:41:22.500 dude.

01:41:22.660 I love Gaffigan's one of the guys.

01:41:24.000 He's so funny.

01:41:24.700 He's one of the greats,

01:41:25.460 man.

01:41:25.800 Yeah.

01:41:26.240 But he really is.

01:41:27.220 You want to talk about growth?

01:41:28.380 He was not who he is today when he started.

01:41:31.100 Some of my favorite jokes of his were dirty jokes.

01:41:33.620 Like,

01:41:33.720 you ever go to,

01:41:35.420 you ever go back to high school and all the kids want to call you the

01:41:38.540 nickname they called you in high school,

01:41:39.820 but you grew out of it.

01:41:40.840 And you're like,

01:41:41.140 Hey guys,

01:41:42.100 not anymore.

01:41:42.720 And they're like,

01:41:43.060 well,

01:41:43.460 if it is an old sheep fucker,

01:41:45.160 he goes,

01:41:46.520 one of my favorite Jim Gaffigan jokes.

01:41:47.900 He goes,

01:41:48.600 Hey,

01:41:48.980 uh,

01:41:49.320 ladies,

01:41:49.840 you ever go to the park on a Sunday and see that guy walking around with

01:41:55.160 his shirt off with a snake around his neck and go,

01:41:57.500 man,

01:41:57.980 I want to have sex with that guy.

01:42:00.040 And they're like,

01:42:00.640 no.

01:42:01.160 And he goes,

01:42:01.620 Oh,

01:42:02.400 Hey fellas,

01:42:03.200 anyone want to buy a snake?

01:42:04.960 Jim Gaffigan is the funniest fucking guy alive.

01:42:13.540 He's so funny.

01:42:14.680 He's so fucking funny.

01:42:16.260 And he's worked.

01:42:16.800 So he's been touring for what?

01:42:18.020 15 years.

01:42:19.040 Oh,

01:42:19.180 he's been dude.

01:42:20.660 He's been torn.

01:42:21.480 He just quit to do movies.

01:42:22.440 I watched his most recent movies.

01:42:23.820 He's been doing movies.

01:42:24.380 He's been doing movies the whole time.

01:42:25.660 Did you see the one where he killed the baby?

01:42:27.540 Uh,

01:42:27.880 no,

01:42:28.120 I didn't see that one.

01:42:28.600 I saw the one where he's the Uber driver though.

01:42:30.140 And that's where he killed the baby.

01:42:31.420 Oh,

01:42:31.560 I didn't notice the baby part.

01:42:32.780 Is that a big part of it?

01:42:33.520 The big part of the movie.

01:42:34.240 The baby dying.

01:42:35.640 That's how he gets where he is.

01:42:37.640 It's good,

01:42:38.420 man.

01:42:39.120 I watched the whole thing.

01:42:40.540 I gotta watch that.

01:42:42.160 Uber baby.

01:42:42.840 And he put some trash away quickly and cried.

01:42:45.240 Oh,

01:42:45.720 it was good.

01:42:46.340 It was a great man.

01:42:47.300 He was in super troopers.

01:42:48.940 Was he?

01:42:49.280 Yeah.

01:42:49.600 They talk about it.

01:42:50.340 They said he flew in on a private jet,

01:42:52.340 came in,

01:42:52.980 shot a scene,

01:42:54.280 walked off.

01:42:54.720 It was super cool.

01:42:55.900 Walked off,

01:42:56.400 got in a private jet,

01:42:57.160 went back.

01:42:57.600 And they were like,

01:42:58.520 thank you.

01:42:59.620 Yeah.

01:43:00.520 Damn.

01:43:01.100 Dude.

01:43:01.440 Hey,

01:43:01.800 I gotta be honest with you,

01:43:02.660 man.

01:43:02.960 In this podcast,

01:43:04.520 as a fan of yours since day one,

01:43:05.980 you know I've been a day one fan.

01:43:07.320 Yeah.

01:43:07.500 I fucking love watching you blow up,

01:43:09.320 man.

01:43:09.560 Oh,

01:43:09.740 thanks,

01:43:10.140 man.

01:43:10.300 It's so fucking fun.

01:43:11.080 It's so fucking fun.

01:43:12.480 You make me giggle so hard.

01:43:13.920 I was telling you,

01:43:14.580 you and that Tommy,

01:43:15.620 Lauren and fucking interview.

01:43:17.380 Oh,

01:43:17.660 yeah.

01:43:17.720 I watched you and TJ.

01:43:18.560 I love your podcast.

01:43:20.360 You're killing it,

01:43:21.060 bro.

01:43:21.240 You're killing it.

01:43:22.360 Well,

01:43:22.560 thanks for just being so supportive,

01:43:24.340 man.

01:43:24.460 And thanks for just,

01:43:25.160 yeah,

01:43:25.340 like being supportive over the years and being like,

01:43:27.280 you know,

01:43:27.700 just kind of a leader in this whole industry.

01:43:29.120 I mean,

01:43:29.220 you do the same thing,

01:43:30.040 you know,

01:43:30.180 you work really hard and I mean,

01:43:32.180 you're one of the guys too that I,

01:43:33.280 that I think a lot of people think about like,

01:43:34.760 oh,

01:43:34.840 this guy works so hard,

01:43:36.080 you know?

01:43:36.620 No,

01:43:36.880 I think we're all put,

01:43:38.500 I think this will be the,

01:43:39.800 the next few weeks will be the test of like,

01:43:41.820 let's see who can work the hardest.

01:43:42.860 Cause I know we gotta,

01:43:44.320 we gotta produce something.

01:43:45.420 We're all doubling down on podcast,

01:43:47.180 maybe write a script or fucking shoot some shit.

01:43:49.540 Who knows?

01:43:50.140 I would be great if all of us did a project together.

01:43:52.300 It seems like if we wrote something and just funded something ourselves,

01:43:54.960 I think people would dig it.

01:43:56.280 I would love like a big,

01:43:58.620 like almost like DC cab.

01:44:00.600 Yeah.

01:44:00.900 Remember DC cab?

01:44:01.720 I don't remember it at all.

01:44:05.800 It was great.

01:44:06.700 Charlie Barnett was in it.

01:44:07.740 Mr.

01:44:08.020 T was in it.

01:44:08.580 Bill Maher was in it.

01:44:09.840 Oh,

01:44:10.280 so fucking great.

01:44:11.340 It was about a cab company.

01:44:12.800 Uh,

01:44:13.060 I see something.

01:44:13.840 That'd be great.

01:44:14.300 I thought of like a wrestling league,

01:44:15.960 like it's sputtering out and that's like the last legs of it.

01:44:19.100 The last few wrestlers are us.

01:44:20.460 The last few wrestlers are us.

01:44:22.280 And it's just the dying last couple of fights.

01:44:24.500 We get a wig for Rogan and he's got long stringy balding hair.

01:44:28.160 Oh,

01:44:28.360 that would be great.

01:44:28.960 I like that.

01:44:29.820 Joey Diaz is a manager.

01:44:30.940 Yeah,

01:44:31.380 it's tremendous.

01:44:33.200 You cocksucker.

01:44:34.760 Just some shit wrestling league.

01:44:36.580 We're all just beating Bobby Lee.

01:44:38.400 Oh,

01:44:39.000 that's not a bad script.

01:44:40.600 Oh,

01:44:41.360 he's so good.

01:44:42.280 Hey,

01:44:42.440 if anyone heard that,

01:44:43.160 let's make that movie.

01:44:44.180 Yeah.

01:44:44.500 Somebody who wants to fund.

01:44:45.560 Yeah.

01:44:45.940 Somebody want to come in with a $2 million budget,

01:44:47.660 man.

01:44:47.800 We can get that thing made.

01:44:49.280 Yeah.

01:44:49.980 Well,

01:44:50.200 maybe not made totally because we can't be around each other in groups of 10,

01:44:53.820 but what if we did a movie where people all have to be six feet away from each other during the shooting of it?

01:44:59.340 Ooh,

01:44:59.740 we'll call it ski school.

01:45:02.620 We'll all be in skis.

01:45:04.120 Okay,

01:45:08.480 dude,

01:45:08.900 I think,

01:45:09.500 uh,

01:45:09.880 I think,

01:45:11.140 I think we're out of ideas,

01:45:13.720 dude.

01:45:15.260 I love you too,

01:45:16.680 man.

01:45:16.920 Congrats on the new special.

01:45:18.160 Thank you.

01:45:18.520 And,

01:45:18.840 uh,

01:45:19.000 congrats on all your effort and work.

01:45:20.400 And thanks for being here today.

01:45:21.480 Thank you.

01:45:22.100 Yeah,

01:45:22.280 man.

01:45:22.460 Now I'm just floating on the breeze,

01:45:25.540 and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:45:28.480 I must be cornerstone.

01:45:31.640 Oh,

01:45:32.360 but when I reach that ground,

01:45:36.360 I'll share this peace of mind.

01:45:38.520 I found I can feel it in my bones,

01:45:42.680 but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

01:45:54.980 shine that light on me.

01:46:01.360 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:46:06.640 Shine on me.

01:46:09.640 And I will find a song.

01:46:14.140 I will sing it just for you.

01:46:21.300 And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my hands.

01:46:28.300 Relax.

01:46:43.960 Bye.

01:46:53.960 Bye.

01:46:54.200 Bye.

01:46:55.460 Bye.

01:46:55.920 Bye.

01:46:56.240 Bye.

01:46:57.460 Bye.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 19, 2020

Bert Kreischer 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #268

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