This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 19, 2020


Bert Kreischer 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #268

Topics
work hard football knee pads and dick sucking purebreds dying out Althea Tibbs Sober Octobers gin and tonics drinks orders on plane swimming Catalina Channel
Hosted by
Theo Von
Mentioned
Theo Vaughn Dude Bobby Lee Bert Mark Coleman Gang Arnold Palmer Mike Cowhead Kobe Bryant Tom Segura Bill Maher Barry Sagittarius Althea Tibbs Gary Goldman Mascots Hitler George Drew Michael Ian Black Dave Williams and 96 more
Halfway to Heaven ｜ This Past Weekend #267 Searching for Abuelito ｜ This Past Weekend #269

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 46 minutes

Words per minute

221.1

Word count

23,651

Sentence count

2,987

Harmful content

Misogyny

93

sentences flagged

Toxicity

695

sentences flagged

Hate speech

93

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Burt Kreischer's new comedy special, "Hey Big Boy" is streaming on Netflix right now, and you should definitely check it out. In this episode of Secret Time, Burt talks about his new show, "The Burtcast," and what it's like growing up in the 70s and 80s in Los Angeles.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.260 Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza is a specialty pizza shop.
00:00:06.860 And it's a shop where you can get that pie, boy.
00:00:09.780 So what I'm saying to you is go get it. If you think you can get some, then you can.
00:00:14.680 Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
00:00:19.220 Gray Block, get that hitter. 1.00
00:00:21.840 Today's guest is the host of The Burt Cast and has a new comedy special on Netflix
00:00:27.980 which you should check out right now called Hey Big Boy.
00:00:32.320 It's the big boy himself, Mr. Burt Kreischer.
00:00:57.980 How about like Ron Artest got it?
00:00:59.880 Did he really? I've seen him swimming before. I've seen the way he swims. I'm not surprised he
00:01:03.700 stroked his way into something. He swims well, but not like I would swim.
00:01:09.380 You'd think those basketball players would be Olympic swimmers.
00:01:12.480 Yeah, well you could really, first of all, getting in the pool, you're a third of the way there.
00:01:16.280 Dude, I had a joke. Tell me when you're rolling.
00:01:19.100 We are.
00:01:19.580 Okay, perfect. I had a joke in my last special Secret Time.
00:01:23.460 Not this special, Hey Big Boy, which is streaming right now.
00:01:26.120 Which is streaming right now.
00:01:26.840 Right now.
00:01:27.480 Yeah.
00:01:27.800 In my last special, this is a true story.
00:01:30.720 Ralph Sampson. Do you remember Ralph Sampson?
00:01:32.360 Ralph Sampson, basketball player. He died of cocaine.
00:01:34.460 No, that's...
00:01:35.460 That's Len Bias. 0.55
00:01:38.260 Len Bias.
00:01:39.200 Close.
00:01:40.360 R.I.P., man.
00:01:43.160 He died, bro.
00:01:46.680 Yep, Ralph Sampson.
00:01:48.420 This is a true story.
00:01:49.140 By the way, it was the end of my Netflix special so no one watched it.
00:01:51.840 But he gave a speech to us when we were at Villanova for basketball camp.
00:02:00.360 And the two takeaways was, number one, he works hard.
00:02:04.360 Number two, he can't swim.
00:02:05.820 That was like he never learned how to swim.
00:02:07.180 Work hard, can't swim. It's his new special.
00:02:08.940 Yeah, work hard, can't swim.
00:02:10.180 He said the whole time his sister learned how to swim, he just practiced dribbling and basketball.
00:02:14.240 Never learned how to swim.
00:02:15.640 And my whole thing, I'm sitting and listening to this speech and I go, 0.99
00:02:18.800 who the fuck needs to learn how to swim when you're seven feet tall? 0.99
00:02:21.840 Anywhere in the pool, you're still halfway out of the water. 0.99
00:02:24.520 But by the way, these basketball players would make such great swimmers. 0.99
00:02:28.360 Manuk Boll, that fucking stroke, he'd be scraping his knuckles on the bottom of the pool. 0.99
00:02:33.340 He could grab onto the pool and just drag himself across. 1.00
00:02:36.440 Oh, he's built like Slenderman, dude.
00:02:38.100 Have you ever seen Slenderman?
00:02:39.140 I have seen Slenderman.
00:02:40.800 Manuk Boll is very much built like Slenderman. 1.00
00:02:42.660 Let me turn my fucking phone off. 0.99
00:02:44.760 I love turning my phone off these days. 1.00
00:02:46.600 Oh, it's so nice.
00:02:47.280 So I was just in Maui, man.
00:02:48.340 My phone was off a lot.
00:02:49.780 You were in Maui?
00:02:50.560 Yeah.
00:02:50.920 I love Maui.
00:02:52.580 Dude, how nice is it?
00:02:54.040 By the way, all that's happening is Siri is going, you love Maui?
00:02:57.100 Yeah.
00:02:58.520 Dude, the phones won't even go off.
00:02:59.920 If you set your phone and say, hey, Siri, turn my phone off, it can't do it.
00:03:03.040 I don't know how to turn an iPhone off.
00:03:05.400 Yeah.
00:03:05.920 I've never turned it off.
00:03:06.960 You just hold this button, right?
00:03:08.040 You have to hold both buttons, the other top button.
00:03:09.820 Oh, for real?
00:03:10.480 It's that screen grab button, too, the whole time.
00:03:12.420 You have to hold it for like three seconds.
00:03:13.620 Oh, there you go.
00:03:14.740 I've never turned my phone off.
00:03:16.520 It says a lot about my personality.
00:03:18.160 Yeah.
00:03:18.620 Yeah, all this coronavirus going on, and my phone was like, you've actually spent 60% less
00:03:23.940 time on your phone.
00:03:24.720 Oh, really?
00:03:25.420 Yeah.
00:03:25.740 That's pretty cool.
00:03:26.960 It's because of the special, and all press was taken away.
00:03:31.300 Oh, yeah.
00:03:32.620 Zero press, dude.
00:03:33.420 But now, were you excited because people are at home, they need something to watch?
00:03:37.040 I wouldn't say excited, because it's true, but my parents and all my parents' friends
00:03:41.600 are at home, but they're not at home in a fun way.
00:03:44.060 They're in a home in a scared way.
00:03:46.360 And so, for me, I would much rather have done the press I had set up, done the promotion
00:03:52.980 I had set up, all the marketing I had set up. 0.98
00:03:55.040 Dude, I had such a fucking great plan. 0.97
00:03:57.000 I was going to do the call and stick to work show. 0.99
00:03:58.580 I texted you about that, right?
00:04:00.040 Call and stick to work show yesterday, St. Paddy's Day.
00:04:02.580 Doors open at 10, show starts at 11, me, Bill Burr, Jim Jeffries, Sebastian Maniscalco,
00:04:08.120 you, D'Elia, Tom Segura.
00:04:10.860 The list goes on.
00:04:11.860 Joe Coy, everyone, right?
00:04:13.520 Wow.
00:04:13.740 Didn't release the names on the tickets.
00:04:15.480 Just send it out to my fans on my phone number, 323-208-0844.
00:04:20.040 Send it out to them, said, get tickets.
00:04:21.920 Sold out immediately.
00:04:23.180 Do a live podcast in the OR.
00:04:25.240 Tiger Belly.
00:04:26.180 Oh, my God.
00:04:26.640 Who wouldn't see that live?
00:04:27.760 Me and Bill Burr live in the OR. 0.99
00:04:29.660 We had all this shit planned, and then they called it. 0.99
00:04:32.460 That's huge. 0.99
00:04:32.840 They called it.
00:04:33.540 And by the way, now this is the inside baseball part.
00:04:36.420 This is where my brain works.
00:04:37.480 David Spade, Norm MacDonald coming by, stop by for the call and stick to work show.
00:04:41.700 I don't know if David was touch and go.
00:04:43.020 But my plan was, this is the way my brain works.
00:04:46.940 You throw in this call and stick to work show.
00:04:48.360 You split all the money with the comics.
00:04:49.420 You don't need the money, right?
00:04:50.680 Right.
00:04:50.940 Tip all the money out to all the comics.
00:04:52.240 And then all you ask for all your friends is, yo, give me a shout out on your social media. 0.95
00:04:56.540 And then you get in front of like 70 million people on Instagram, fucking 20 million people,
00:05:01.720 100 million people on Twitter that'll go, hey, check out my boy, Burr Chrysler. 0.60
00:05:05.180 He's got a special streaming.
00:05:06.420 That's my marketing.
00:05:07.620 Boom. 0.99
00:05:07.840 Coronavirus, I did not fucking. 1.00
00:05:11.480 It took you. 0.99
00:05:12.900 Do you feel, do you feel like slighted?
00:05:16.160 Do you feel, do you feel taken advantage of?
00:05:18.480 No, I'm cool.
00:05:19.240 Do you feel like coronavirus is, are you really 100% sold on it?
00:05:27.240 Yeah.
00:05:28.640 Here's what they just came out today and they said like blood type O doesn't get it.
00:05:34.200 Like you just, you don't, you may get it.
00:05:35.660 You may be a carrier, but you don't feel it.
00:05:37.420 That's, by the way, news is always changing. 0.99
00:05:38.660 I'm not a fucking doctor. 0.99
00:05:39.580 Right. 0.99
00:05:40.140 But, but yeah, I mean.
00:05:42.400 Who said it?
00:05:42.940 Dr. Gupta?
00:05:43.660 That guy always trips me out, bro.
00:05:45.980 I want to see the horse side of Sanjay Gupta.
00:05:48.640 Cause you know, he was one of the five doctors going, Hey man, can you get me on your TV
00:05:52.080 show?
00:05:52.480 Can you get me on your TV show?
00:05:53.840 But he always seems cool and collected.
00:05:55.640 Like, you know, he's such a thought, bro. 0.99
00:05:57.580 He's such a fucking, I know he's such a thought. 0.99
00:05:59.660 He was hip Indian way before hip Indians. 1.00
00:06:01.880 Yeah.
00:06:02.360 I do.
00:06:02.800 Sanjay Gupta is probably the first famous Indian guy.
00:06:06.260 Oh, how easy is it to be a hip Indian though? 0.97
00:06:09.120 It's like the, it seems like the easiest thing to do.
00:06:11.880 No, it's gotta be hard.
00:06:12.920 Cause your parents don't want you to be hip Indian. 1.00
00:06:14.540 Oh no, there you go.
00:06:15.500 Okay.
00:06:15.760 So like Russell Peters, hip Indian. 0.99
00:06:17.280 Yeah.
00:06:17.540 MIA, hip Indian. 0.93
00:06:19.300 This guy named Shonk that I know, this guy that used to go to UCLA, dude is hip, bro.
00:06:27.540 He wears like four pairs of sunglasses, man. 0.99
00:06:29.620 He's fucking hip. 1.00
00:06:30.760 Pulls out his wiener, sunglasses on it. 1.00
00:06:33.160 Yeah.
00:06:33.520 So the thing about Indians, you don't know, stereotype that they don't get out there, big 1.00
00:06:37.100 dicks. 1.00
00:06:37.540 Nuh-uh. 1.00
00:06:38.160 Really big dicks. 1.00
00:06:39.660 Russell Peters told me. 0.99
00:06:40.780 Well, I guess that's probably like a.
00:06:44.040 I guess I'm taking it from the guy.
00:06:46.080 Yeah, dude.
00:06:46.840 You gotta learn. 0.99
00:06:47.800 He's like, I don't know if you know this, but they got big dicks. 1.00
00:06:51.120 And you're like, shut up. 1.00
00:06:52.460 Are you serious? 1.00
00:06:53.540 Bro, everybody's starting to get on this big dick train. 0.99
00:06:56.780 I feel like. 1.00
00:06:57.000 You know, big dicks used to be, that was a way to oppress minorities is to say they 1.00
00:07:03.140 did it with the Jews first. 0.99
00:07:04.560 I don't know if this is 100% true.
00:07:07.000 Yeah.
00:07:07.200 Don't worry, dude.
00:07:07.780 This whole podcast has gone that direction already.
00:07:10.220 So I think we're safe, dude.
00:07:11.560 The Egyptians said it about the Jews. 1.00
00:07:14.140 They have big dicks. 1.00
00:07:14.840 I don't know if you've seen Ari Shaffir's dick. 1.00
00:07:16.160 It's fucking massive. 1.00
00:07:17.220 Uh-uh. 1.00
00:07:17.680 He's got a big fucking dick. 1.00
00:07:18.720 Really? 1.00
00:07:19.100 A really big dick. 1.00
00:07:20.380 But also, he looks like he would have a dick that doesn't look right. 1.00
00:07:24.180 It doesn't. 0.99
00:07:25.280 Yeah.
00:07:25.760 It doesn't. 1.00
00:07:26.260 And his balls look weird and his asshole bleeds. 1.00
00:07:28.160 Yeah, dude. 1.00
00:07:28.980 Ugh. 1.00
00:07:29.860 So yeah, if I'm his dick. 1.00
00:07:31.160 Can you imagine fucking Ari Shaffir? 1.00
00:07:32.580 You think his dick's longer? 1.00
00:07:33.580 It looks like it's trying to get off of his body. 1.00
00:07:35.500 Because that's two totally different things, man. 1.00
00:07:37.480 Oh, and he's got dick that goes right off the body. 1.00
00:07:39.460 Like, his dick is right off the body. 1.00
00:07:41.500 Right. 1.00
00:07:41.640 My dick's got body around it, like, pushing it back. 1.00
00:07:45.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:07:45.340 So like.
00:07:46.380 Oh, okay.
00:07:47.200 Wow.
00:07:47.480 That's interesting.
00:07:48.460 Yeah. 1.00
00:07:48.600 So your dick's almost being held back by the sides of it? 1.00
00:07:50.960 It's got pubis going, like, crowding it. 1.00
00:07:53.520 Like, it's his boys going like.
00:07:55.160 Oh, yeah.
00:07:55.540 Come on, man.
00:07:55.980 Get him.
00:07:56.280 Get him.
00:07:57.020 And hair and everything.
00:07:58.360 Like, come on, man.
00:07:58.920 Get back in here. 0.57
00:07:59.580 No, no, no, no. 1.00
00:08:00.060 My body looks like it's stopping my dick from a fucking. 1.00
00:08:03.320 Oh, damn, dude. 1.00
00:08:05.240 No, no, no. 1.00
00:08:05.960 Hold him back, man.
00:08:06.720 Hold him back.
00:08:07.220 Hold him back, bro. 1.00
00:08:07.820 Oh, why the fuck? 1.00
00:08:09.160 Where was that fucking joke? 1.00
00:08:10.940 God damn it. 1.00
00:08:12.620 Here I did something. 0.99
00:08:13.380 That's good, man.
00:08:14.220 You can use it next time, man.
00:08:15.820 I'm using it.
00:08:16.020 I'm using it. 1.00
00:08:16.640 Dude, my dick definitely has a look. 1.00
00:08:19.620 Oh, you have a big dick. 1.00
00:08:20.920 I've already heard. 1.00
00:08:21.620 Really?
00:08:22.020 Yeah.
00:08:22.420 Who told you that?
00:08:23.360 I don't know.
00:08:24.200 What?
00:08:24.680 You know who.
00:08:25.540 Not a man.
00:08:26.220 I know.
00:08:27.720 Our mutual friends.
00:08:29.460 Who, dude?
00:08:30.600 Tom and Bill?
00:08:31.440 No, no.
00:08:34.360 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:08:35.540 Look at Ari's dick right there. 1.00
00:08:37.260 That is. 1.00
00:08:37.960 And by the way, that's not fluffing.
00:08:39.780 Like, that's unprepared. 0.99
00:08:41.000 That's just straight street dick. 1.00
00:08:42.900 He has such a Holocaust body, doesn't he? 1.00
00:08:45.060 Oh.
00:08:45.760 Kind of like.
00:08:46.200 You know, his dad was in the Holocaust.
00:08:46.560 But jacked Holocaust. 0.82
00:08:47.900 His dad was in the Holocaust.
00:08:48.620 Was he really?
00:08:49.120 Oh, man.
00:08:49.480 I'm sorry then.
00:08:50.220 Just for vacation, though.
00:08:51.260 Oh, I can see that, dude.
00:08:55.460 Ari's when Ari, after Ari drugged me, I said, I don't blame Ari.
00:08:59.840 I blame Hitler.
00:09:01.400 For the drugging? 1.00
00:09:01.980 Yeah, because Hitler did that shit to his dad. 1.00
00:09:04.060 And you know, his dad probably wasn't the greatest dad. 1.00
00:09:05.780 And then he turned into Ari.
00:09:07.040 Right.
00:09:07.320 So ultimately, it all falls on Hitler's shoulders. 0.91
00:09:09.420 It all goes back, man.
00:09:10.420 That's the thing.
00:09:10.940 You have to stop the cycle.
00:09:12.860 Yeah.
00:09:13.540 You know, you got to stop the cycle of trouble.
00:09:16.920 It's always a cycle.
00:09:17.940 You know, someone always learned it from somebody else.
00:09:20.100 Oh.
00:09:20.580 Learned the dirty behaviors.
00:09:22.060 You know?
00:09:22.380 The M word. 0.98
00:09:23.040 First time I ever heard the M word, I was in first grade. 0.89
00:09:27.840 And these black kids came into our neighborhood. 0.58
00:09:30.440 We lived in like a poor white neighborhood. 0.94
00:09:31.860 And there was a poor black neighborhood like across Nebraska.
00:09:36.140 Or not Nebraska. 0.65
00:09:37.540 I forget.
00:09:38.540 Well, dude, that's pretty far then.
00:09:40.120 If you're thinking.
00:09:40.860 No, no, no, no.
00:09:41.460 That was the street name.
00:09:42.780 Oh, right on, bro.
00:09:43.740 Yeah.
00:09:44.520 And so. 1.00
00:09:44.860 I'm like, damn, this dude did not live by black people. 1.00
00:09:47.880 He said they fucking lived a state away. 1.00
00:09:50.220 I'm like, wow. 0.99
00:09:54.020 They were in Nebraska and we were in Florida.
00:09:56.380 And it was scary, man.
00:09:57.640 I got to be honest with you.
00:09:58.940 It was touch and going times.
00:10:00.440 Yeah, dude, definitely.
00:10:02.300 I mean, we heard stories.
00:10:03.820 Oh, yeah.
00:10:04.120 The rumor mill.
00:10:05.200 I saw a note in a bottle one time in the river.
00:10:07.720 It was crazy. 0.99
00:10:08.900 Watch out for the blacks. 1.00
00:10:12.200 They're coming. 1.00
00:10:13.340 And they hit them from your shoulder real quick.
00:10:15.220 That's crazy, man.
00:10:20.120 Oh, the N-word?
00:10:21.020 Somebody said it?
00:10:22.360 So these black kids lived across this main street from us. 0.96
00:10:28.600 And then they came into our neighborhood, I guess, and stole my football. 0.94
00:10:31.220 My football had a Duke Jr. with a shoelace, a tan shoelace as the strings.
00:10:36.560 We used to play in the street.
00:10:37.980 And so the string for the shoelace ripped.
00:10:40.620 My dad replaced it with a tan shoelace.
00:10:43.540 It was very distinguishable.
00:10:44.580 And a little part.
00:10:45.480 We couldn't tie it.
00:10:46.140 So there was a little part of the shoelace sticking out.
00:10:49.040 So they came into our neighborhood, and they asked if they wanted to play us a football.
00:10:52.640 And they had my football.
00:10:54.440 And these two brothers, Daryl and Darren, were like, yo, they must.
00:10:58.800 I mean, when I remember this story, I feel like they were 18, 17.
00:11:02.180 They were probably just like 10 and 11.
00:11:04.240 Yeah.
00:11:04.740 And I was six.
00:11:05.960 Yeah.
00:11:06.420 And they were like, yo, this is football.
00:11:08.600 And they were like, no, this is his football, this other little black kid.
00:11:12.800 And they're like, fight him for it.
00:11:14.400 And I was like, I have first grade.
00:11:15.820 I was not fighting anyone.
00:11:16.760 I was wearing a loincloth and knee-high moccasins.
00:11:18.840 Oh, yeah.
00:11:19.540 And so. 1.00
00:11:20.880 Damn, you're fighting your sexuality, bro. 1.00
00:11:23.240 My dad's like, get him some knee pads. 1.00
00:11:25.020 He's going to be sucking dick. 1.00
00:11:26.740 So. 1.00
00:11:27.620 So.
00:11:28.720 Yeah.
00:11:28.940 And he's going to need knee pads to do it. 1.00
00:11:31.060 What a pussy. 1.00
00:11:33.940 That's the crazy part, man. 1.00
00:11:37.080 What about the good old days, man? 1.00
00:11:39.200 When you would suck dick with no pads. 1.00
00:11:40.280 Skin your knees and you suck a dick. 1.00
00:11:41.980 Be a man about it. 1.00
00:11:43.000 Yeah, bro.
00:11:43.620 Support the union.
00:11:45.680 You freak. 1.00
00:11:47.260 What kind of gay guy puts on knee pads? 1.00
00:11:50.680 Suck a dick like a man, man. 1.00
00:11:52.420 A backup gay dude. 1.00
00:11:53.920 Do you mind if I pull my socks up? 0.98
00:11:59.320 Oh.
00:12:00.660 Oh.
00:12:01.280 Dude, that's hilarious.
00:12:02.500 You mind if I pull my socks up?
00:12:02.880 Oh, my God.
00:12:03.720 I'm a sock.
00:12:05.120 Pull my socks up. 1.00
00:12:06.180 I don't want to skin my knees when I suck your dick. 1.00
00:12:08.520 Go ahead, buddy. 1.00
00:12:09.280 Yeah, yeah.
00:12:09.760 Whatever you got to do.
00:12:10.400 Whatever you got to do, man.
00:12:11.640 Do you mind if I pull my pants down for some cushioning on my knees? 1.00
00:12:14.480 Oh, fuck. 0.99
00:12:17.560 Mind if I take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees? 0.99
00:12:21.600 Hey, is it cool if I take my shoes off and put my knees in my insula? 0.99
00:12:27.980 Like, damn, dude. 1.00
00:12:29.400 I don't even think you shouldn't even be gay, little guy. 1.00
00:12:32.320 By the way, anyone who does that, you're like, this isn't your first time sucking dick. 1.00
00:12:35.760 You do this a lot. 1.00
00:12:38.780 Just sitting on your feet and kneeling on your fingers.
00:12:41.000 Oh, bro, actually, if you had to blow some, dude, that's not a bad.
00:12:45.940 Like, I would go through all of those things before.
00:12:48.780 You got to have some ways to get out of it.
00:12:51.520 I've gotten down with my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the wood floors.
00:12:56.160 Oh, that's crazy, huh?
00:12:57.060 Grab a pillow, put them under your knees.
00:12:58.660 Yeah. 0.98
00:12:59.640 But anyway, so these black kids come in the neighborhood, and they fight this kid. 0.71
00:13:03.940 And I was like, I've never been in a fist fight. 0.88
00:13:05.380 I don't want to be in a fist fight.
00:13:06.440 And then Daryl and Darren looked at me like, are we going to have to do this for you? 0.99
00:13:11.000 And I was, in my head, I was like, give him the fucking ball. 0.99
00:13:13.060 I don't care. 1.00
00:13:13.880 My dad already bought me a new one.
00:13:15.280 Like, and then they got in a fight.
00:13:18.840 They get into a fight.
00:13:20.640 Daryl fights one of the dudes, or Darren, one of the younger one fights a black dude.
00:13:25.020 And it's like five black kids and then seven white kids or eight white kids, more white kids because it's our neighborhood.
00:13:31.060 And the dad comes out.
00:13:32.680 And the dad starts chanting, fight, fight, and we're in a white.
00:13:36.880 White don't win. 0.98
00:13:37.720 We all jump in.
00:13:38.600 And I am, and then he's hitting me. 1.00
00:13:40.760 It's your ball, motherfucker. 1.00
00:13:42.340 Chan it. 1.00
00:13:42.980 Chan it.
00:13:43.640 And here I am, just some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins, just fight, fight. 0.99
00:13:49.600 And then I said the word in front of my dad, and it was fucking over. 0.99
00:13:54.520 Really? 0.99
00:13:55.060 Oh.
00:13:55.640 Your dad fought him?
00:13:56.620 No, no, no. 1.00
00:13:57.040 My dad took me down to their fucking house, walked me down, stood in the fucking thing. 1.00
00:14:01.040 I said, don't ever talk to my son. 1.00
00:14:02.520 Don't ever.
00:14:02.760 I told my dad everything that happened.
00:14:03.960 They stole my ball.
00:14:04.540 This is what he asked me to say.
00:14:05.760 Don't ever talk to my son.
00:14:06.580 And we moved out of that neighborhood a month later. 1.00
00:14:08.860 A month later, we were out of that fucking neighborhood. 0.99
00:14:10.420 Because people were using the N-word? 0.99
00:14:11.680 Oh, that was the least of it.
00:14:13.220 We let a kid on fire.
00:14:14.400 I mean, it was.
00:14:15.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:15.880 We let this kid on fire, John.
00:14:17.480 And he had a thing at Tubba, like a margarine bowl of gasoline.
00:14:21.480 And there was this abandoned house that these people left.
00:14:24.680 There always is.
00:14:25.440 Why do people leave an abandoned house by children?
00:14:28.000 Dude, they were the funnest.
00:14:29.580 Especially, did you ever break into a abandoned house when you were a kid?
00:14:31.520 Dude, there was an Asian couple that my friend's parents were watching their house.
00:14:37.680 They had like a dog or a cat or whatever.
00:14:39.320 Yeah.
00:14:39.620 He was like, you want to go in and see their house?
00:14:41.280 And man, this has got to be 1979, 78.
00:14:46.820 Praise God.
00:14:47.680 Like, no one knew.
00:14:48.360 No one.
00:14:48.840 I mean, not no one.
00:14:49.780 But I'm saying like no one at Florida knew Asians then.
00:14:51.980 Yeah.
00:14:52.420 And we went in.
00:14:53.140 Oh, yeah.
00:14:53.560 I remember things were like turquoise.
00:14:55.420 Walls were like turquoise blue with big Buddha statues.
00:14:58.260 And like everything was just different.
00:15:00.280 It smelled different.
00:15:01.340 Swords.
00:15:01.980 Like, I remember like a samurai in the corner.
00:15:04.320 He was like, oh, big feathers coming out of vases.
00:15:07.060 Yeah.
00:15:07.480 And you were like, whoa.
00:15:08.500 People were talking to you from behind fans.
00:15:10.160 Yeah.
00:15:10.400 They had a dog.
00:15:11.020 They had a dog, right?
00:15:11.760 So then this kid one day goes, same house.
00:15:14.920 He goes, yo, hey, want to go swim in their house?
00:15:16.760 They had a pool.
00:15:17.340 And I was like, yeah, yeah.
00:15:18.360 We're in first grade.
00:15:19.460 My mom had a station wagon. 1.00
00:15:20.520 She drops him off first.
00:15:22.040 Comes up, drops me off.
00:15:23.280 And he goes, meet me back in my house with your swimsuit.
00:15:26.920 Suit, I'll go back.
00:15:28.180 I'll get us in our backyard.
00:15:29.280 They had a Doberman Pinscher.
00:15:31.000 Oh, yeah.
00:15:31.800 They don't have that many of those anymore.
00:15:33.480 No one's got a Doberman Pinscher.
00:15:34.800 You know what it is?
00:15:35.520 I talk about my special, but it's purebreds. 1.00
00:15:38.140 Purebreds are, they're all fucking dying out. 1.00
00:15:40.240 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:15:40.520 They got like a Doberdoodle or something like that. 0.99
00:15:42.520 They had to mix them because the purebreds were getting all these fucking problems in 1.00
00:15:46.860 their body because they were breeding, like overbreeding. 1.00
00:15:50.140 It's, you know, same thing as Hitler. 0.79
00:15:51.280 If Hitler won the war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia. 1.00
00:15:55.020 Really?
00:15:55.720 Yeah, yeah.
00:15:56.040 I have dysplasia.
00:15:56.680 It's in a special.
00:15:57.300 You like that joke.
00:15:57.900 Nice.
00:15:58.520 I have dysplasia.
00:15:59.780 In your hips? 1.00
00:16:00.320 Yep.
00:16:00.560 You Brody Stevens.
00:16:01.040 Like an Australian Shepherd.
00:16:02.100 Brody Stevens had dysplasia.
00:16:03.220 Really?
00:16:03.680 Wait, do you walk odd?
00:16:05.440 Yeah, kind of a little bit.
00:16:06.620 If I have to walk for a long time, like if I have to walk for a couple miles, it gets
00:16:09.700 bad.
00:16:10.220 Really?
00:16:10.780 Yeah, just like I kind of get that shake, you know?
00:16:13.380 I think it's cute, but it hurts.
00:16:15.280 I think it's cute.
00:16:15.800 It hurts a little, but yeah, but yeah.
00:16:18.040 But anyway, enough about me, man.
00:16:20.640 But yeah, the N-word, man, it'll fly out of you, you know?
00:16:23.200 That's why a long time ago, I used to have a joke where I said, I don't say the N-word
00:16:27.900 because I care about people.
00:16:29.760 I don't say it because if your tongue gets used to it, if you say it a bunch behind doors
00:16:34.840 or whatever, and you feel comfortable saying it, one night you'll get drunk and your tongue, 0.98
00:16:39.260 it'll slip out of your mouth and you'll be in the wrong fucking place. 0.99
00:16:42.440 I don't say it first. 1.00
00:16:43.780 That's my rule, dude.
00:16:44.900 You don't say it first?
00:16:45.860 No, I never say it first.
00:16:48.560 You gotta, somebody else has to say it, bro.
00:16:50.960 If someone says it, you go, all right, we're good.
00:16:54.040 We're good.
00:16:54.940 I'm just saying, you can't ever be the person to say it first, bro.
00:16:59.860 That's crazy.
00:17:03.320 That's crazy, man.
00:17:04.640 But I think a lot of stuff where you can't use, like, yeah, you can't use the word, right?
00:17:11.380 Like, I get it.
00:17:12.440 Yeah. 0.99
00:17:12.600 But I think also, like, I think sometimes, oh, fuck, I can't remember what I was going 0.99
00:17:17.820 to say, man. 0.98
00:17:19.020 Yeah, you just don't use the word anymore.
00:17:20.580 I think the only place that still really uses it is mostly music these days.
00:17:25.340 I don't hear people say it anymore.
00:17:27.340 I don't hear anyone say it.
00:17:28.180 I've never, I mean, I heard white people say it growing up in the South.
00:17:31.280 I mean, all of us that grew up in the South heard it.
00:17:33.320 Yeah. 0.99
00:17:33.680 And heard white people use it at a McDonald's or some shit, and there was no cameras around, 0.99
00:17:37.620 so no one got outraged. 0.99
00:17:39.380 But, yeah, the only place you really hear it's music. 0.99
00:17:42.200 I mean, my bus driver's black, so I hear it all the fucking time. 0.99
00:17:44.320 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:17:44.740 Yeah, but it's like I told the girls, one time the girls were in the car, and they go, 0.99
00:17:49.680 Dad, you want to hear a joke?
00:17:50.500 And I was like, yeah.
00:17:51.580 So they tell me the joke, and they're like, dot, dot, dot, dot. 0.83
00:17:53.800 And then the punchline, they're like, he's a midget. 1.00
00:17:56.500 And I was like, hey, guys, you can't say that word. 0.80
00:17:59.580 And they're like, why?
00:18:00.720 I go, because it's like a bad word.
00:18:02.300 And they're like, no, it's not.
00:18:04.080 And I go, no, it is.
00:18:05.280 And they're like, no, it was just describing a person.
00:18:06.800 I go, I understand that.
00:18:07.960 But you can't say it, because if you say that word, and someone's, you know, a little person,
00:18:11.220 they hear it, it might hurt their feelings.
00:18:12.580 And my daughters look to me, and they're like, they're not in the car, Dad.
00:18:15.360 It's just us.
00:18:16.020 And I was like, yeah, you'd think it would work that way.
00:18:18.240 It doesn't.
00:18:19.260 And then Brad Williams came to my house, and I was like, I go, bring the girls in the man cave.
00:18:22.680 I go, hey, why don't you tell Brad that joke? 0.99
00:18:24.260 And they lit up like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00
00:18:26.820 Wow, calling you. 0.99
00:18:27.800 Yeah, like putting him on the spot.
00:18:30.440 Yeah, dude, I remember they had, I remember fishing with a black buddy of mine named Devin,
00:18:35.860 and he went to jail, actually, for murder or alleged murder.
00:18:38.640 Really?
00:18:38.920 But we were fishing, and some kids were up on the, like on this railroad track,
00:18:45.120 like up this embankment from this river, and they started throwing rocks and calling us the N-word, right?
00:18:52.520 And I'm like, not me.
00:18:55.060 You know what I'm saying?
00:18:55.680 You're kind of back to the back of the boat.
00:18:56.840 I think they're talking to you, Desmond.
00:18:58.240 Yeah, I do.
00:18:58.780 Yeah, like, bro.
00:19:01.400 You're aiming horrible.
00:19:02.860 You're hitting both of us.
00:19:05.940 But I remember that was scary, man.
00:19:08.160 I mean, yeah, you definitely had some people that, like, I mean, I think racism is just kind of like,
00:19:13.400 I mean, it's just definitely like. 0.63
00:19:15.480 How crazy would it be if coronavirus, if black people couldn't get coronavirus? 1.00
00:19:18.880 Someone said that they can't, but then Idris Elba got it. 0.98
00:19:21.240 I know. 0.96
00:19:21.840 Somebody said gay man can't get it.
00:19:23.320 There's a lot of information going around. 0.97
00:19:24.720 Gay man can't get it? 1.00
00:19:25.500 That's what I heard. 0.92
00:19:26.980 But then I think Siegfried or Roy got it.
00:19:29.140 Can you see that?
00:19:30.020 Magician gets corona?
00:19:32.940 Alleged magician.
00:19:33.580 Why wouldn't they just go, ta-da, I don't have it anymore.
00:19:38.160 Siegfried and Roy got corona?
00:19:39.900 They're dead, man. 0.90
00:19:40.680 If they get corona, they're dead. 0.98
00:19:42.240 Yeah.
00:19:42.720 Magician gets corona.
00:19:44.880 Sandy Garber's aging magician.
00:19:48.620 Is that his thing?
00:19:49.780 He's the aging magician?
00:19:50.940 He's like, oh, my leg hurts so bad. 1.00
00:19:54.600 Oh, shit, a dove came out of it. 0.99
00:20:00.500 He just stands there on stage and he's like, I'm aging. 1.00
00:20:03.580 Yeah.
00:20:03.940 We can all do that.
00:20:04.840 Yeah.
00:20:05.000 Look at this.
00:20:06.500 Look at this.
00:20:07.080 I just got older.
00:20:08.760 Ta-da.
00:20:10.340 When I was growing up, you knew not to say the N-word. 1.00
00:20:12.340 If somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew. 0.99
00:20:14.860 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:20:15.620 Like, that was the litmus.
00:20:16.720 It was like, that's how you learned about it.
00:20:19.080 It was like, oh, somebody said it. 1.00
00:20:20.840 Somebody got their ass beat. 0.99
00:20:22.020 And then that was it. 0.99
00:20:23.060 It's so funny, man.
00:20:23.940 I never heard it.
00:20:25.160 Like, I heard it when we lived in that neighborhood.
00:20:27.680 And then I never heard it in our new neighborhood.
00:20:29.560 I never heard it.
00:20:30.800 And then I never heard it.
00:20:32.700 I heard it a little bit in high school.
00:20:34.060 But we had a black friend, Kari Brown.
00:20:38.000 And all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word.
00:20:41.400 But not derogatory, just as like a joke.
00:20:46.020 Like in a Louis C.K. way, if it was the punchline of a joke, meaning towards Kari.
00:20:51.000 But very lighthearted.
00:20:52.120 And they were like guys that he grew up with his whole life.
00:20:54.680 And then I heard it a lot in college. 0.98
00:20:55.960 I heard it fucking, well, I went to Florida State and we were segregated. 0.98
00:20:59.380 It was like FAMU and Florida State. 0.99
00:21:01.200 So I heard it a lot in college.
00:21:02.420 FAMU was a more black college?
00:21:04.260 100%.
00:21:04.540 Yeah.
00:21:04.960 And I used to drive the black chicks. 1.00
00:21:06.720 They'd call.
00:21:07.680 They always lived in one dorm.
00:21:08.800 It's so funny.
00:21:09.280 I ran into this woman the other day who went, a black chick my age, who went to Florida 0.99
00:21:13.620 State.
00:21:13.880 And I said, hey, did you ever take the Safe Escort?
00:21:15.440 That's what I was, I drive them around campus in like a K car. 0.84
00:21:19.580 Do you remember a K car?
00:21:20.860 Pull up a K car, can you? 0.99
00:21:22.080 It was like the fucking biggest beater you could ever have. 0.98
00:21:26.060 I think it's called a K car or a Q car. 0.99
00:21:27.960 It's like an old, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it.
00:21:31.080 Oh, yeah, Renault.
00:21:32.300 That's a Renault, isn't it?
00:21:34.320 Chrysler K?
00:21:35.420 That was what we, but it was white. 0.96
00:21:37.480 And so, and man, they would, what would happen is you knew if the black chicks called on a 1.00
00:21:42.580 Saturday night, because you, it was just taking people to the libraries where you're supposed 0.93
00:21:45.580 to go.
00:21:45.980 Okay. 0.68
00:21:46.360 But if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, you knew they wanted to go to FAMU from Florida 1.00
00:21:50.620 State. 0.66
00:21:50.940 Okay.
00:21:51.300 And we weren't allowed to drive to FAMU, but once they got in the car, you had to take
00:21:54.240 them wherever they went.
00:21:55.080 So what would happen is they go, they go, we have a pickup at Devaney Hall.
00:21:58.420 Based on 111, I have a pickup at Devaney Hall.
00:22:00.380 Her name's Laquisha. 0.93
00:22:01.760 And you go, okay.
00:22:03.960 You'd be like, is it how many passengers?
00:22:05.580 And they're like, just one.
00:22:06.600 That's what they say.
00:22:07.360 And so you'd pull up and then she'd like wave to you and you go, hey.
00:22:11.580 And as she waved, they'd pile in the other side of the car and she'd get in. 1.00
00:22:14.860 They'd go, we're going to FAMU, bitch. 1.00
00:22:16.440 I loved it though because I love hip hop. 0.99
00:22:19.660 So I would just talk hip hop with them the entire time.
00:22:21.720 I learned about Wu-Tang Clan that way.
00:22:23.800 I bought the Method Man album through them.
00:22:26.280 I learned about Suave House, MJG and 8 Ball.
00:22:30.180 It was like the funnest for me because I loved hip hop.
00:22:33.900 Oh, yeah.
00:22:34.380 And so we would just, I'd be like, what are you guys listening to? 0.97
00:22:37.440 And I was driving them for like fucking 20 minutes. 0.89
00:22:40.600 And y'all were listening to what? 0.98
00:22:42.020 Hip hop?
00:22:42.080 There was no player and there was no player in there.
00:22:43.820 Sometimes they'd have.
00:22:44.700 And we all wearing seatbelts and everything?
00:22:46.280 No, there'd be so many people in those seatbelts.
00:22:47.740 I was back when seatbelts were like.
00:22:49.480 People didn't even die back then, dude.
00:22:51.160 Who wore seatbelts?
00:22:51.860 Yeah, dude.
00:22:52.640 I see my kids putting on seatbelts.
00:22:53.960 I'm like, what are you guys?
00:22:54.940 What are you guys? 1.00
00:22:55.240 Need knee pads for blowjobs? 1.00
00:22:57.960 What do you guys put your shoes in, your knees in your Asics where you blow a guy? 0.99
00:23:02.300 Huh, kids?
00:23:02.480 Take out your inserts?
00:23:03.600 Yeah, yeah.
00:23:06.160 That's crazy, man.
00:23:07.120 Yeah, Tom, we're just, I don't know.
00:23:08.480 Yeah, I don't know, man.
00:23:10.220 I guess they had like, I didn't, I don't know if I felt like I saw a lot of racism.
00:23:14.140 I never hung out in like a redneck type of area.
00:23:16.860 Like I felt like there was more, there was also a lot of racism from black to white too.
00:23:23.020 Like black kids weren't like, hey, like us, you know?
00:23:25.660 There was a lot of like anger.
00:23:26.980 It's funny, you always have anger from like previous generations. 0.98
00:23:30.580 Like it's always like, the shit's always so misdirected, you know, I feel like. 0.98
00:23:34.740 It's like. 0.99
00:23:35.160 Like, I told a story in one of my specials about my first throw, Uncomfortably Dumb,
00:23:41.800 about one of the first fight, like full blown, not fight, I say fights.
00:23:46.120 Like in high school, there were fights where it was a big fight and you stood on the outside
00:23:49.580 and waited to sucker punch someone.
00:23:51.120 And then there were fights where you got sucker punched or hit with something.
00:23:54.780 I got punched one time.
00:23:56.260 Yep. 0.99
00:23:56.480 Dude, I got hit with a fucking, some dude hit me with a bunch of encyclopedias. 0.99
00:23:59.460 Literally A, B, C, dude. 0.99
00:24:02.100 And by the time he got to Ebro, I fucking gave up. 0.96
00:24:04.480 You're like, I get it, man. 0.98
00:24:06.680 Yeah, I'm out, dude.
00:24:07.620 Elephants come from human.
00:24:09.580 I know how this ends, man.
00:24:11.680 I know how this ends, bro.
00:24:12.600 I know everything about anteaters, arborgs, bees, caterpillars.
00:24:17.540 I'm done, man.
00:24:19.040 The first fight I was in where it was like squared up one-on-one, bro, that is a terrible.
00:24:24.920 Who was the guy?
00:24:25.740 His name was Donovan.
00:24:27.420 Donovan.
00:24:27.920 White guy, black guy. 0.99
00:24:28.580 Black dude, straight, state wrestling champ.
00:24:30.980 You know Cowhead, you know Cowhead, Mike Cowhead, right?
00:24:32.980 Mike Cowhead found him.
00:24:33.900 He still lives in Tampa.
00:24:34.920 Wow.
00:24:35.240 Mike Cowhead found him on MySpace.
00:24:37.980 This is how long ago that was.
00:24:39.280 Found him and found his daughter and said, we'd love to have you come in studio and corroborate
00:24:42.480 this story.
00:24:43.380 And he was like, how much?
00:24:44.900 And Cowhead's like, nothing.
00:24:46.080 I'd rather just hear the good story.
00:24:47.220 So I haven't heard from this guy.
00:24:49.320 He had an IROC, right?
00:24:51.120 With the string shirts. 1.00
00:24:53.240 He would shake his fucking IROC to warm up for a fight. 1.00
00:24:56.400 Just shake it back and forth. 1.00
00:24:57.480 God, that's sexy.
00:24:58.320 Big wheels on the back.
00:25:00.100 So he gets in a fight with this guy.
00:25:02.720 I think the guy's name is Mario, I think.
00:25:04.240 I'm not sure.
00:25:04.920 I can't remember.
00:25:05.580 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.62
00:25:06.520 He gets in a fight with this guy Mario and there's a bunch of black dudes around. 1.00
00:25:09.860 And I run in to see, I want to watch the fight, right?
00:25:12.600 And I peek my head in.
00:25:13.720 And the second I peek my head in, Mario's unconscious.
00:25:16.060 He knocked him out clean.
00:25:17.220 And he's holding his hair.
00:25:18.600 And as soon as I put my head in, they go, here's another one.
00:25:22.420 Get him, Donovan.
00:25:23.060 And they push me in.
00:25:23.880 And now it looks like I'm on his team.
00:25:25.400 Yeah, because we're wearing the weight uniforms.
00:25:26.540 That's the worst about people outside of a fight.
00:25:28.160 All they want is more fighting.
00:25:29.300 More fighting.
00:25:29.820 Get him.
00:25:30.140 He wants some.
00:25:30.720 Yeah, get him.
00:25:31.300 And bro, squaring up to a dude.
00:25:33.380 And I had never squared up.
00:25:34.600 I had never, like, I was just trying to apologize.
00:25:37.060 And then I realized, oh, he was just going to beat me up.
00:25:39.660 Squaring up's the worst, especially if you've never done it.
00:25:41.440 Which foot do you put first?
00:25:42.720 Left.
00:25:43.180 Left.
00:25:43.380 Like I was skateboarding.
00:25:44.500 Like I was skateboarding.
00:25:45.180 I was skateboarding, bro.
00:25:47.700 I've had to square up twice against one dude, two dudes in my life.
00:25:52.620 This other dude I squared up against.
00:25:56.020 I squared up.
00:25:57.660 Do you remember the story when we were doing Reality Bites Back?
00:26:01.380 Right when we were doing the So You Think You Can Dive episode.
00:26:03.720 Okay.
00:26:04.100 I drove us all down there.
00:26:05.480 Do you remember that?
00:26:06.400 Yes.
00:26:06.880 I do remember that.
00:26:08.620 And the practice day.
00:26:09.780 The practice day that we had.
00:26:11.820 And for those who don't know, it was a show on Comedy Central that was, it was a great,
00:26:17.460 great show to be on.
00:26:18.600 It was a lot of fun.
00:26:19.480 It was a big payday.
00:26:20.400 It was cool.
00:26:21.240 It wasn't a big payday.
00:26:22.260 It was a big payday for back then.
00:26:23.280 Big payday for you, though.
00:26:24.240 Yeah, big payday for them. 0.99
00:26:25.000 Here's where they fucked up. 0.99
00:26:26.000 It was, I'm going to say this number. 0.99
00:26:27.820 It's the wrong number.
00:26:28.600 But it was, in my memory, it was like $8,000 an episode.
00:26:32.640 Yeah.
00:26:32.800 And so all of us looked at it and were like, it's a 10-order episode. 0.83
00:26:36.840 All of us are like, we're getting 80 fucking grand.
00:26:38.280 And the winner gets like a quarter of a million dollars, whatever, or $100,000. 0.90
00:26:41.500 Yeah.
00:26:42.120 And then we got there the first day and realized, oh, if you get kicked off, you don't get eight
00:26:46.100 grand.
00:26:46.680 Yeah.
00:26:47.040 And it came cut through.
00:26:48.680 It became cut through.
00:26:49.400 So only episodes you were on, you got eight grand for each episode you were on.
00:26:53.440 I remember.
00:26:53.960 And each episode, somebody got kicked off.
00:26:55.220 Me, you, I tell this story every time.
00:26:57.580 I saw Red Grand a week ago.
00:26:58.840 Really?
00:26:59.100 In Baltimore, yeah.
00:27:00.180 I think I saw the picture.
00:27:01.300 He came out to my show.
00:27:02.180 Yeah.
00:27:02.340 It was really cool.
00:27:03.240 It's great to see him.
00:27:04.180 Oh, I hung out with him and Donnell. 0.97
00:27:05.520 I did an episode of Something's Burning with him, and we ended up smoking weed and just bullshit. 0.74
00:27:08.740 Oh, that's awesome.
00:27:09.900 The first day, the very first day, we're sitting at that mansion outside in Encino.
00:27:14.940 It's me, you, Red Grand, Donnell Rollins on the step, if I'm not mistaken.
00:27:19.760 And Kyle Cease came up, and he had the hat that said, week one.
00:27:24.100 He had a hat made out for every week, week one, week two, week three, week four.
00:27:28.180 And he's with Chris Fairbanks.
00:27:29.760 Yeah.
00:27:30.120 And he goes, and Donnell goes, yes, son, that's right.
00:27:33.960 You are the week one.
00:27:35.280 And we all start laughing.
00:27:36.400 And Kyle goes, I think it's spelled different.
00:27:40.240 He goes, no, no, son, you should have a hat that just says week.
00:27:43.040 And then Kyle goes, Donnell, I think it's spelled differently.
00:27:46.680 And he goes, not in my neighborhood.
00:27:48.420 And then Kyle walks away.
00:27:49.460 I go, Chris.
00:27:49.900 And he goes, I think I'm next.
00:27:52.820 And just walked away.
00:27:56.960 Dude, Donnell was so funny, bro. 0.56
00:27:59.020 Me, you, Red Grant got naked in the bathtub with Lunell.
00:28:02.160 Oh, yeah.
00:28:02.720 Do you remember that?
00:28:03.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:28:03.860 Like, I got full-blown naked.
00:28:05.440 Yeah, you always did.
00:28:06.600 I got full-blown naked. 1.00
00:28:07.500 I got full-blown naked dick against the glass. 1.00
00:28:09.960 And the president, Lauren Correo, is at that shooting, president of Comedy Central. 0.99
00:28:14.080 And what happened is, Me, you, and Reg get passage the next round.
00:28:20.740 And they go, your reward is you get to shower and bathe with Lunell. 1.00
00:28:24.520 And so we're like, oh, fuck it. 1.00
00:28:25.780 We don't care. 1.00
00:28:26.480 Yeah.
00:28:26.860 And so we go in.
00:28:28.160 And she's small, too.
00:28:29.220 I think they gave us.
00:28:29.820 Got a small body.
00:28:30.500 I think they gave us cocktails.
00:28:31.720 We were drinking before that.
00:28:32.780 Yeah, yeah.
00:28:33.300 And she got us in there. 0.66
00:28:34.240 Yeah, pull a picture of Lunell.
00:28:35.560 I ran in her, by the way.
00:28:36.560 I thought she hated me.
00:28:37.220 I ran into her in Montreal. 0.99
00:28:38.320 And she just got fucking wasted with her and had a blast. 1.00
00:28:41.080 Oh, yeah. 0.98
00:28:41.240 She's fun. 0.93
00:28:41.760 Everybody loves her.
00:28:42.920 And we got in the bathtub.
00:28:44.120 And Lunell goes, I'm taking off my drawers or whatever.
00:28:47.980 Oh, yeah.
00:28:48.580 And pulls her bathing suit bottoms off and throws them out. 1.00
00:28:51.420 And I was like, fuck it. 1.00
00:28:52.320 I'm in. 1.00
00:28:53.040 So I take mine off.
00:28:54.020 Red takes his off.
00:28:54.900 You take yours off.
00:28:56.040 And then she stands up.
00:28:57.020 And she's still got them on.
00:28:58.040 She had two pairs on.
00:28:59.300 And we're all sitting there naked.
00:29:02.140 Praise God, man.
00:29:03.340 Those were the good old days. 0.99
00:29:04.460 That was a fucking thing. 0.99
00:29:05.380 Think about how long ago that was. 1.00
00:29:06.940 That shit was fun. 1.00
00:29:07.680 When year was that? 1.00
00:29:08.340 Go back to that information, if you don't mind, Nick.
00:29:11.580 That'd be 2000.
00:29:12.500 1994.
00:29:15.360 Derived from 1994.
00:29:18.480 2008.
00:29:20.040 Wow.
00:29:20.660 I got a special right after that.
00:29:22.320 2008.
00:29:23.560 2008.
00:29:24.140 Wow.
00:29:25.180 Someone.
00:29:25.660 Wait.
00:29:25.800 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:29:26.340 Keep up who got voted off when.
00:29:29.420 Someone sent me a zip drive that has all the episodes, too.
00:29:32.920 I have it on a drive someplace if either of you want that.
00:29:34.920 I would love to see that.
00:29:36.880 That was when, like, look, people, I think a lot of people in this business take ownership
00:29:42.220 of when they find, when they feel like they discover someone.
00:29:44.600 You know, like, there's a lot of agents that do that.
00:29:46.820 I will say, without a doubt, without a doubt, me and Amy Schumer became the biggest Theo Vaughn 0.98
00:29:52.720 fans in the fucking world. 0.91
00:29:54.260 Like, I remember me and Amy looking at each other and being, like, you were so funny and 0.99
00:30:00.640 it was effortless.
00:30:01.360 You weren't even trying to be funny. 0.97
00:30:02.580 You were just so fucking funny. 0.96
00:30:05.340 I swear to God, I'd pay $100,000 to have all the footage, raw footage, and cut my own 0.96
00:30:11.560 show of the outtakes.
00:30:13.420 Because there were times where you'd leave Michael Ian Black just like, huh?
00:30:17.080 And we were crying laughing.
00:30:19.400 He was like a white supremacist, I felt like, the way he dressed.
00:30:22.460 I remember we go, we were all talking and we go, so what do you hope this show gets you?
00:30:28.260 What do you hope this show gets you?
00:30:29.200 I'd love to get a special.
00:30:30.140 I'd love to get 30 minutes.
00:30:30.940 I'd love to get on Premium Plan.
00:30:32.300 And we were like, what about you, Michael?
00:30:33.460 And he goes, a new basement.
00:30:35.280 And we're like, what?
00:30:35.800 He goes, that's the only reason I'm doing this show.
00:30:37.440 I need a new basement.
00:30:38.500 And we were like, cool.
00:30:41.500 Yeah, he always had this white supremacist vibe. 0.57
00:30:43.720 He just looked too white. 0.90
00:30:45.040 Like, bro, white down a little.
00:30:46.780 You know what I'm saying? 0.94
00:30:47.840 He's the least white supremacist.
00:30:49.980 Really bring up a picture of him.
00:30:51.840 He does have a vibe of like the bad guy in a Harry Potter movie.
00:30:57.980 Michael Ian Black.
00:30:59.760 That's not him.
00:31:01.540 That's still Lunell, dude.
00:31:04.160 He texted me last night.
00:31:05.620 Did he?
00:31:05.960 Yeah, he texted me last night.
00:31:06.900 He was so funny.
00:31:08.220 Yeah, definitely.
00:31:09.080 I'll see if I can see the text.
00:31:10.380 He literally just texted me last night. 0.99
00:31:12.180 Oh, he's turned my fucking phone off. 0.99
00:31:14.060 There he is right there. 0.99
00:31:15.400 He definitely looks like he would be giving a speech about, hey, you know, sorry.
00:31:21.100 Here's the problem.
00:31:21.380 Sorry, I'm this white.
00:31:23.760 Here's the problem with women voting. 1.00
00:31:24.680 He looks like he doesn't blink his eyes at night.
00:31:26.600 He just puts water in them.
00:31:27.640 Look at him and Louis C.K.
00:31:27.760 What's that one?
00:31:29.020 Michael Ian Black defends Louis C.K.
00:31:31.220 Oh, that's kind of cool.
00:31:33.420 MIB's a cool dude, man.
00:31:34.980 I love him.
00:31:36.540 Dude, he's one of a kind for sure.
00:31:37.840 He really is, man.
00:31:38.980 One of a kind.
00:31:39.480 By the way, he's always been sweet.
00:31:41.340 Ever since we met him, he's a ball buster.
00:31:43.580 Kind of like that's his angle of comedy.
00:31:45.900 But he's always been a very sweet guy.
00:31:47.540 I remember we connected because both our wives are older than us.
00:31:50.840 Really?
00:31:51.280 Yeah, yeah.
00:31:51.740 And his wife's older than him and my wife's older.
00:31:53.480 I think me and MIB are the same age.
00:31:56.400 And did you ever see his TV show, The State?
00:31:59.640 Yeah.
00:32:00.420 Oh, bro. 1.00
00:32:01.560 Oh, I want to dip my balls in it. 0.99
00:32:04.420 That was the best, dude. 0.99
00:32:06.340 How great was that? 1.00
00:32:07.340 It was the greatest fucking show. 0.99
00:32:10.160 I feel like what I'm hearing is you don't like the tacos. 0.99
00:32:13.420 No, I love the tacos.
00:32:14.340 In fact, they're the best tacos I've ever had. 0.93
00:32:17.020 Dude, that show was so fucking great. 0.85
00:32:20.600 Did you ever see A Thousand Pounds of Pudding? 0.98
00:32:23.520 Oh, yeah.
00:32:26.740 Oh, dude.
00:32:27.560 I could watch that show.
00:32:28.680 That was one of my favorite shows.
00:32:29.660 That was the first time I really got comedy.
00:32:32.600 Wow.
00:32:33.720 Type in Pudding the State.
00:32:39.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:32:41.280 There you go.
00:32:42.700 I think it was $240 worth.
00:32:45.960 I'm sorry.
00:32:46.300 I said A Thousand.
00:32:47.120 Every time I tell a story, it's a new figure.
00:32:49.600 LeVon and Barry.
00:32:51.080 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:32:51.900 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:32:54.920 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:32:55.880 Oh, yeah.
00:32:57.100 It's that time.
00:32:58.060 Oh, you know it's that time.
00:32:59.240 I'm LeVon and I'm Barry Sagittarius.
00:33:02.020 And it's time.
00:33:02.780 Barry Sagittarius.
00:33:03.620 It's time for $240 worth a pudding.
00:33:07.160 Oh, yeah.
00:33:07.900 Mr. Boucher, come on in here and let's get a shot of this pudding.
00:33:10.020 By the way, they were like 18 and 19.
00:33:11.860 Only $240 can buy.
00:33:13.600 Oh, yeah.
00:33:14.380 We had the $240.
00:33:15.960 We had to have the pudding.
00:33:17.400 Oh, yeah.
00:33:22.040 They were kids, man.
00:33:22.920 We could have bought $100 with a pudding.
00:33:25.540 And that would have been a lot of pudding.
00:33:27.960 Oh, yeah.
00:33:28.800 That's Thomas Levin.
00:33:29.640 But we had to go all the way, baby.
00:33:31.060 All the way home.
00:33:31.860 Uh-huh.
00:33:34.160 With $240.
00:33:36.200 With the pudding.
00:33:36.820 Worth the pudding.
00:33:37.720 Oh, yeah.
00:33:39.140 Now, I know what you're thinking.
00:33:40.480 Barry and LeVon, where did you get $240?
00:33:45.500 Oh, yeah.
00:33:47.660 Don't worry.
00:33:48.200 You'll put a little hint about it, baby.
00:33:49.260 It ain't your concern.
00:33:51.220 Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to whisper some sweet nothings of this pudding.
00:33:54.000 I'll just be over here.
00:33:54.800 Mine's in my own.
00:33:56.760 They were children.
00:33:57.920 Oh, baby.
00:33:58.380 You know how you got it going on. 1.00
00:34:00.320 This is like the silliest shit. 1.00
00:34:02.220 Yes, silly. 1.00
00:34:02.760 We were in college. 0.99
00:34:03.520 We were in college smoking weed watching this.
00:34:05.820 Barry, baby.
00:34:06.160 You see what I got here?
00:34:07.020 You got there.
00:34:07.860 We used to go to parties and go.
00:34:09.800 Yeah, we did.
00:34:10.280 Like, here's. 1.00
00:34:10.800 I want to dip my balls in it. 1.00
00:34:13.180 No, I don't want it. 1.00
00:34:14.080 I can't.
00:34:14.500 I can't.
00:34:15.180 Does anyone have some orange juice?
00:34:18.500 I've got some orange juice.
00:34:19.820 I want to dip my balls in it. 0.98
00:34:22.720 That guy, Camarino. 1.00
00:34:24.020 Yeah.
00:34:24.140 You ever run into people like you were fans of as a kid that are fans of yours?
00:34:28.840 Oh, I run into this lady from In the Heat of the Night. 1.00
00:34:32.040 Can you bring up a picture of that show, actually?
00:34:34.640 She played Althea Tibbs.
00:34:36.040 You ever see In the Heat of the Night?
00:34:37.000 Of course.
00:34:37.240 Yeah.
00:34:39.140 Is that with the guy from Archie Bunker?
00:34:42.860 Yep.
00:34:43.380 Carol O'Connor.
00:34:44.120 Yeah.
00:34:44.420 He's buried right near my apartment.
00:34:45.760 Althea Tibbs right there.
00:34:46.920 Oh, I know Althea Tibbs. 1.00
00:34:48.300 Wait, Althea Tibbs has been in a lot of shit. 1.00
00:34:50.220 Yeah. 1.00
00:34:51.120 Wait, where did you mean Althea Tibbs?
00:34:52.300 Can we get to her wiki, maybe?
00:34:53.880 Yeah.
00:35:01.840 Yeah, that's her, Anne-Marie Johnson.
00:35:04.560 She lives in Los Angeles.
00:35:05.640 Yeah.
00:35:05.940 I met her.
00:35:06.460 She's seeing a man.
00:35:07.540 She's seeing a man.
00:35:08.240 But when I saw her a couple times at different restaurants, I accosted her mildly outside of the credit union, outside of the SAG-AFTRA credit union.
00:35:17.520 Just a huge fan.
00:35:18.100 Yeah, look at all the stuff she's been in.
00:35:19.400 A million things.
00:35:20.040 Oh, my God.
00:35:20.620 Dude, she's still working.
00:35:22.040 She's worked forever.
00:35:22.900 But yeah, she looked great. 0.60
00:35:23.880 And I just told her, I said, hey, I'm just such the biggest fan.
00:35:26.060 She started working before I was born.
00:35:28.340 That's crazy.
00:35:29.840 Wow.
00:35:30.660 Matlock.
00:35:31.940 Matlock was so good. 1.00
00:35:33.840 Man, you talk about the Me Too and all the fucking racism and fucking sexism in Hollywood. 1.00
00:35:38.480 Imagine the shit she had to deal with. 1.00
00:35:41.360 I bet she'd appreciate the fact that we at least knowledge it. 1.00
00:35:44.520 She started in 1971.
00:35:46.480 1972 to 76, she was on Matlock Police.
00:35:49.820 That was when I was born.
00:35:52.200 She was on different strokes. 0.59
00:35:53.880 She was on different strokes. 0.59
00:35:54.620 I guarantee you she dated Willis.
00:35:56.340 Oh, yeah.
00:35:57.220 I guarantee it.
00:35:57.940 I met Arnold one time.
00:35:59.420 You did?
00:35:59.940 From Hey Arnold?
00:36:00.900 No, Arnold.
00:36:02.280 No, from...
00:36:03.100 Arnold who?
00:36:03.780 Not Arnold Palmer.
00:36:05.600 No, Arnold from different strokes.
00:36:07.220 Arnold?
00:36:07.420 Wasn't that his name?
00:36:08.780 Willis.
00:36:09.460 No, the little one.
00:36:10.780 Oh.
00:36:11.980 Gary Goldman.
00:36:13.260 No, Gary Coleman.
00:36:14.500 Gary Coleman.
00:36:15.100 Gary Coleman, yeah.
00:36:16.260 He died.
00:36:17.820 Gary Goldman died?
00:36:18.580 Gary Coleman.
00:36:19.680 Oh.
00:36:21.060 Yeah. 0.99
00:36:21.720 No, Gary Goldman is teaching people how to fucking be comedians over daily tweets. 0.99
00:36:28.280 Okay? 0.99
00:36:28.560 If you haven't seen Gary Goldman.
00:36:30.880 Jesus Christ, bro.
00:36:31.660 Sometimes I see his advice and I'm like, I don't think I'm doing comedy right.
00:36:35.480 I'm not writing at all.
00:36:37.560 Tag it nine different ways?
00:36:38.960 I tag it once and it's good to go.
00:36:41.320 I don't know what.
00:36:42.740 Yeah, that's not a lot.
00:36:43.260 I met Gary Goldman.
00:36:44.640 Gary Coleman.
00:36:45.420 I met Gary Coleman.
00:36:46.900 Gary Coleman died.
00:36:47.880 Will you look that up, please, Nick?
00:36:49.060 Yeah, he did.
00:36:50.040 It was a kidney failure.
00:36:51.340 Oh, he really did?
00:36:51.900 Yeah, because he had the little guys get kidney problems.
00:36:56.780 So, I think that's how Mini-Me died.
00:36:58.740 I think that's how Tattoo died.
00:37:00.660 Oh.
00:37:01.700 He's a beautiful young man, too.
00:37:03.280 He died in Utah at 42.
00:37:06.380 Oh, my God.
00:37:08.180 You know, they gave him a lot of grief towards the end of his life.
00:37:10.420 Remember all that?
00:37:11.200 Yeah.
00:37:11.360 They put him in a show called Midgets vs. Mascots at one point.
00:37:13.880 Remember that?
00:37:14.360 Nice. 0.76
00:37:14.640 Can you imagine the Michigan State Trojan fighting a couple of midgets off outside of a bakery 1.00
00:37:19.600 or whatever, wherever they shot it? 0.91
00:37:21.720 Look at this.
00:37:24.100 Midgets vs. Mascots?
00:37:24.540 I love how Hollywood acts like regular people are the problem when they're doing shows called
00:37:29.980 Midgets vs. Mascots. 0.89
00:37:31.980 If you choose my question, who at the University of Michigan was like, yeah, yeah, I think
00:37:36.240 that's a good look for our school. 0.99
00:37:37.840 Let's have a beat the shit up of a Midgets. 1.00
00:37:39.700 But what are you going to do? 0.98
00:37:40.680 If a bunch of little people show up and say, hey, this is the show we want, you have to
00:37:45.880 be supportive.
00:37:47.460 What do you do?
00:37:48.340 Don't you think the Midgets picked it? 1.00
00:37:50.780 Why would they pick someone they definitely can't beat?
00:37:53.980 Wait, how do I get Midgets vs. Mascots?
00:37:56.620 I gotta see this.
00:37:57.820 Oh, man.
00:37:59.160 Wait, Scotty Pippen's in it?
00:38:00.660 Yeah.
00:38:00.800 Ron Jeremy?
00:38:01.980 Jason Mews?
00:38:02.980 Yeah, I think they put regular hiding people into the mascottery, into the uniforms.
00:38:09.820 Oh, my God.
00:38:11.340 I will definitely watch Midgets vs. Mascots. 0.73
00:38:14.080 Yeah, that's wild, man.
00:38:15.380 Can you believe that, that they have that kind of stuff, dude?
00:38:17.520 Do you think that there's going to be, that we'll be able to get back to regular humor
00:38:24.580 after this coronavirus thing?
00:38:26.280 I think it's going harder.
00:38:28.300 I think we're going to go harder in the paint.
00:38:29.880 Yeah.
00:38:30.060 Because, yeah, because, right, like, I'll tell you right now, when this special, when
00:38:34.240 we were editing this special, I have, uh, who is she?
00:38:39.240 She got a question for us, actually, but we'll get right into that, about your statement.
00:38:42.120 Let's get this question real quick right here from Allie. 0.59
00:38:43.840 Semi-related, what you guys are talking about.
00:38:45.420 Okay.
00:38:46.460 Hey, Theo.
00:38:47.020 Hey, Bert.
00:38:47.480 This is Allie from Niagara Falls Canada calling.
00:38:49.560 Turn it up, man.
00:38:50.080 Uh, question for Bert.
00:38:51.320 Wondering if there's any topic that is off-limits or off the table regarding your daughters
00:38:55.980 or your wife, um, in your comedy.
00:38:59.140 Uh, keep doing what you're doing, guys.
00:39:00.940 Thank you for everything.
00:39:02.640 Dang, dang.
00:39:03.160 Gang, huh?
00:39:04.040 She's beautiful.
00:39:04.800 Beautiful lady right there. 0.99
00:39:06.780 His hand, too.
00:39:07.500 Look at her hand.
00:39:07.920 I'm always shocked when you see a pretty person that has seen your stand-up and you're like,
00:39:11.220 you saw me?
00:39:12.420 Yeah.
00:39:12.680 Like, I get it.
00:39:13.180 If you're, like, 280 pounds, you got a beard.
00:39:16.020 You're troubled.
00:39:16.740 Yeah.
00:39:17.180 Yeah, and you're like, dude.
00:39:18.460 You have gastrointestinal issues.
00:39:20.280 I go, I got you, man.
00:39:21.020 We all go through those hard times.
00:39:22.440 Yeah.
00:39:22.940 But, man, when you see her, you're like, huh.
00:39:25.620 What happened?
00:39:26.500 Um, there's nothing off-limits.
00:39:28.160 There's only been one subject that Isla asked me not to talk about, um, but, like,
00:39:33.320 I talk about her period, Isla getting her period in the special.
00:39:36.760 Um, they're pretty cool with it.
00:39:38.740 Although, I gotta be honest with you, I don't know.
00:39:40.860 You don't know the long-term effects of it.
00:39:42.360 I don't.
00:39:43.220 I wish I did.
00:39:45.160 You know?
00:39:45.840 I mean, not in a bad way, but you don't.
00:39:47.300 It's like.
00:39:47.660 I don't, and it's.
00:39:48.800 Dad's gone.
00:39:49.520 He's a comedian.
00:39:50.760 You know what I'm saying?
00:39:51.260 He's dry.
00:39:51.760 He's flying around the country telling people about my period.
00:39:53.880 I don't.
00:39:54.220 I don't.
00:39:54.920 I don't.
00:39:56.780 I can't imagine it's gonna be awesome.
00:40:01.120 Like, I, you know, you don't put any thought into it.
00:40:02.900 Like, here's how it works.
00:40:03.860 Is that, like.
00:40:04.200 Right.
00:40:04.420 So, I'm on the road with, at the time, it's me, Segura, and Ian Bagger doing Irvine and
00:40:10.100 Brea every Tuesday, every Tuesday, Wednesday, right?
00:40:13.460 We're just banging out.
00:40:14.300 Tuesday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
00:40:15.880 Not Ontario.
00:40:16.460 Just Irvine and Brea.
00:40:17.580 Me and Segura driving out.
00:40:18.780 And then, one day you tell a joke.
00:40:20.380 The first joke I wrote about the girls was, um, Isla was a baby and she had, uh, she, 0.98
00:40:26.580 they woke up early in the morning.
00:40:27.680 I go downstairs.
00:40:28.320 I hear my baby monitor.
00:40:29.040 I go downstairs.
00:40:29.880 I'm like, what's going on?
00:40:30.800 Why are you laughing?
00:40:31.560 George is in a rocking chair.
00:40:32.440 Isla's naked.
00:40:33.800 And George is like, dad, you got to see baby Isla's new trick.
00:40:35.960 The dog's in between them. 0.98
00:40:36.820 Like, I don't fucking know. 0.97
00:40:37.860 And I go, what is it? 0.98
00:40:38.860 She goes, I don't want to spoil it for you.
00:40:40.400 Isla, show dad. 1.00
00:40:41.520 And Isla takes her finger, shoves it up her ass, and puts it in the dog's mouth. 1.00
00:40:45.640 Oh. 1.00
00:40:45.920 And that's the first joke I wrote about my daughters.
00:40:48.600 The Jolly Roger, dog.
00:40:49.800 The Jolly Roger.
00:40:52.220 We call it the happy Nazi. 0.98
00:40:53.520 And so I go, and so I tell that story on stage and both the, Ann and Tom are like, bro, that's
00:41:00.540 like, that's legit funny.
00:41:02.360 It's not a kid joke. 0.99
00:41:03.240 That's just a funny fucking joke. 0.99
00:41:04.880 Like, we don't have kids and we still like it. 0.99
00:41:06.960 And that was where I flipped the switch.
00:41:08.460 And so then, no, then Isla's maybe two or three.
00:41:11.140 George is four or five.
00:41:13.120 You start writing jokes about your kids and they're definitely not seeing it.
00:41:16.120 They're not seeing it at all.
00:41:16.840 And then I do the machine and I put all those stories I have in about the girls and it starts
00:41:22.120 to work.
00:41:22.740 Like, people start to relate to it.
00:41:24.640 I do secret time and that's when they were like, they were like, hey, like, like kind
00:41:30.300 of curious.
00:41:30.780 Like, what do you say about us?
00:41:31.780 And I was like, yeah, it's not a big deal.
00:41:33.320 This one, they were like, yo, run everything past us first.
00:41:36.180 And so I had to run the period joke past Isla and she was, uh. 1.00
00:41:39.680 Did you sit down and talk to her about it kind of? 0.98
00:41:41.240 I told her, well, I put it, here's what, you know, me, man, I put her on fucking Instagram 0.99
00:41:44.340 stories the day it happened. 0.99
00:41:45.360 So the day it happened, she gets her period, she wants to throw a period party.
00:41:49.760 Do they do that now?
00:41:50.720 Oh, yeah.
00:41:52.480 It's big time.
00:41:53.620 What?
00:41:54.620 Oh, yeah.
00:41:55.980 A period party?
00:41:57.160 I told part of the story on Conan.
00:41:59.340 Oh my God, bro.
00:42:00.420 And it went viral.
00:42:01.360 What is going on, man?
00:42:02.140 I told just a part of the story on Conan and it got 20 million views immediately.
00:42:07.300 So like, she's like, I mean, I don't want to ruin it, watch this special, but I get all
00:42:12.660 the stuff for the period party.
00:42:13.900 I dress in red.
00:42:14.880 Like what? 1.00
00:42:15.680 Like fucking red velvet cake. 1.00
00:42:17.740 Fucking. 1.00
00:42:18.200 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:18.740 Dude, that's what I said.
00:42:19.880 That's what I said.
00:42:21.140 Dude, you're going to love, dude, you'll love this bit.
00:42:23.300 You'll love this bit.
00:42:24.160 But my point is, I put it all on Instagram stories that night because I'm laughing.
00:42:28.460 I'm dying laughing.
00:42:30.160 And then I get in bed that night.
00:42:31.780 She comes in.
00:42:32.340 She's like, hey, big boy, I need you to take that down.
00:42:34.900 And I go, what?
00:42:35.620 I go, baby.
00:42:36.180 It's fine.
00:42:37.620 I think it's cool.
00:42:38.600 She goes, yeah, I know.
00:42:39.360 I don't mind people knowing I threw a period party, but I don't want kids in my school knowing
00:42:43.760 I had my period.
00:42:45.100 And I went, oh, okay.
00:42:46.360 That makes sense.
00:42:46.920 So I pull it all down.
00:42:48.380 And then I go to Louisville that next weekend and I talk about it.
00:42:50.920 I try it on stage.
00:42:52.580 And just that reaction you just had is the whole room's having it.
00:42:56.640 But the weird part, you know me, I'm a meathead. 1.00
00:42:58.720 I'm like a fucking mouth breather. 0.98
00:43:00.280 Is women are connecting with it going, like cheering for Isla, which I think is cool. 0.99
00:43:04.940 So then I work it out a little bit.
00:43:06.520 I talk to Isla about it.
00:43:07.820 And I was like, hey, I want to do a part of that story on Conan.
00:43:10.920 And she's like, she goes, why?
00:43:13.740 I go, I think it's good.
00:43:14.940 I think it's a good thing.
00:43:15.860 I think that the thing that you're doing is going to be good for little girls and other
00:43:19.760 little girls will see it. 0.99
00:43:20.920 And if the trauma, the George, when George had her period, she was a fucking nightmare. 0.99
00:43:24.960 And I said, the trauma George went through, you can help them avoid that. 0.99
00:43:28.440 Because Isla didn't want to go through what George went through. 0.64
00:43:30.520 So she just circumnavigated and went, I'm going to celebrate this moment.
00:43:33.880 Right.
00:43:34.220 And so I told her on Conan, she watched it.
00:43:36.360 She was cool with it.
00:43:37.080 But then the next day, my email gets flooded with little girls emailing me, like their parents,
00:43:43.240 their parents are emailing me from their daughters, like this, my daughter wants you to read this.
00:43:48.840 And letters coming into my manager, like, hey, I was really scared about getting my period.
00:43:53.320 I've been really nervous about it.
00:43:54.880 But I saw your dad's story.
00:43:56.680 Thank you for letting him tell it.
00:43:58.360 And then, and Isla named her period.
00:43:59.980 And they go, and by the way, we just welcomed Daryl to our family.
00:44:02.940 And so it was, so like, I don't, I don't have any limits. 0.99
00:44:06.880 Like, I'll talk about fucking anything. 0.97
00:44:08.420 Whether or not it goes into a special is like another thing. 0.99
00:44:11.320 Because I got to, I got to run it by them. 0.99
00:44:13.680 Damn. 0.99
00:44:14.340 Like, and I know it's getting, it's getting touchy for Georgia. 0.99
00:44:16.740 Yeah, because they're, yeah, I could imagine, but yeah, I could imagine that that's a lot going on.
00:44:20.940 She's 15. 0.95
00:44:21.460 And when she starts fucking up and you want to talk about it, you know, she's going to be like, 0.99
00:44:25.100 can you imagine if you're, if all your fuck ups? 0.99
00:44:27.800 Oh, I couldn't. 1.00
00:44:28.560 Yeah.
00:44:28.920 And so it's, I don't know, man.
00:44:30.620 I, I, we'll see.
00:44:31.900 Who knows?
00:44:32.680 Maybe I won't make it out of this coronavirus and that's the end of my standup.
00:44:35.940 Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie.
00:44:39.680 I'm sure a lot of you gamblers and money snake men are out there being wild and trying to think
00:44:46.740 of something to do, having to bet on things in the yard.
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00:44:56.880 See if he can, uh, do a backflip.
00:44:59.540 Kenny, who knows?
00:45:00.580 And so a lot of you guys are chomping at the bit to be betting again and wagering and
00:45:05.480 making wagers.
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00:46:03.620 It'd be interesting.
00:46:04.480 Here's a white guy right here with something to say.
00:46:06.300 Yup.
00:46:07.320 What's up, Theo?
00:46:08.140 What's up, Bert?
00:46:08.760 This is Logan from Sarasota, Florida.
00:46:10.240 My question for Bert is how excited are you for all that new material you're going to
00:46:13.580 get for being quarantined with both your daughters?
00:46:15.740 It's going to be hilarious.
00:46:16.800 And then my question for both you guys is, do you ever go back and watch your old Netflix
00:46:20.600 specials and try to build off that for your upcoming shows?
00:46:23.200 It's a great question.
00:46:24.380 That's a great question.
00:46:25.420 It is a good question, man.
00:46:26.760 Oh, the first part he asked us for you.
00:46:28.880 Yeah, I'm, uh, it's only been two days, so I'm not super excited yet.
00:46:33.480 I, uh, yeah, I, it's funny.
00:46:36.460 You start picking out little things that you, I mean, you know that like there'll be something
00:46:40.960 that happens where you go, that's not it, but this may be a part of it.
00:46:44.880 And so like right now, Isla is, uh, obsessed with puns.
00:46:49.320 So anything you say to where she replies in a pun, I guess there's this, some guy on the
00:46:54.500 internet who does puns.
00:46:55.740 And so she loves puns.
00:46:57.100 Gripless.
00:46:57.580 There's a guy named Gripless.
00:46:58.400 That's an artist.
00:46:59.360 You can bring him up, but he does really good ones.
00:47:01.460 But, uh, but yeah, I don't know.
00:47:03.400 Do you, when you prepare for a special, do you watch previous specials?
00:47:06.380 I've never, honestly, I've never watched my old special.
00:47:09.120 Um, you know, I saw it whenever we're editing it and putting it together.
00:47:12.580 I, I wasn't really, I wasn't that super, that stoked about it, but.
00:47:16.480 I loved it.
00:47:17.320 You did?
00:47:17.660 I loved it.
00:47:18.140 I watched it on the foot of my bed.
00:47:19.420 Oh, right on that.
00:47:20.000 And when, before we changed our house around, I remember exactly where I was.
00:47:22.840 I put, turned it on.
00:47:23.940 I watched it on the foot of my bed.
00:47:24.960 I watched you getting ready for it too.
00:47:26.220 Like, I remember seeing you getting ready for it at the Hollywood Improv.
00:47:29.380 Yeah.
00:47:29.820 Yeah.
00:47:29.980 I was excited.
00:47:30.660 I think, yeah.
00:47:31.600 I mean, I think that's just my head, you know, it's like you want.
00:47:33.740 Oh, it's everyone's head.
00:47:34.480 Yeah.
00:47:34.660 Dude, trust me.
00:47:35.560 Sorry.
00:47:36.240 Trust me.
00:47:36.720 I did not.
00:47:38.000 I was.
00:47:39.380 So like, press has been very weird for this special.
00:47:42.400 And so like, cause we just pulled all press.
00:47:44.420 So there's no press.
00:47:45.200 That's so crazy.
00:47:45.860 Yeah.
00:47:46.060 And it's dude.
00:47:47.260 Cause did you have a lot of places to go that you were lined up together?
00:47:49.720 I lined up across the board and then, and then, you know, everything happened and they just pull
00:47:53.500 all press and I'm doing four podcasts. 0.98
00:47:56.260 That's it for the whole special for fucking podcasts. 0.93
00:47:59.280 And so, well, thanks for coming in here. 0.99
00:48:01.540 No dude.
00:48:01.980 Thank you.
00:48:02.360 By the way, hold on.
00:48:03.140 You're one of the few people that didn't cancel on me.
00:48:05.200 A lot of podcasts canceled.
00:48:06.320 Really?
00:48:06.740 Yeah.
00:48:06.920 A lot of podcasts were like, no, we're not.
00:48:08.960 You know what?
00:48:09.320 Can we push it like a week and just see what's happening?
00:48:10.960 And I'm like, I'm like, man, unless someone's, you know, unless you're showing any symptoms 0.96
00:48:17.320 and by the way, everyone's been fucking quarantined. 0.93
00:48:19.700 The rules 10 or under it's 10 or under and they're being safe on that. 0.98
00:48:23.500 It's three of us in a room.
00:48:24.660 He's not even in the same room.
00:48:25.680 No one's touched each other.
00:48:27.040 So like me and Segura did a podcast this morning. 0.98
00:48:30.060 Everyone's like, look, people are fucking working. 0.95
00:48:32.840 You can't not make a living or entertain people that are locked up in their houses. 0.98
00:48:36.080 This is what we do for a living.
00:48:37.300 Yeah, totally.
00:48:37.840 And if anything, this is a time to do it.
00:48:39.400 This is a time to be like.
00:48:40.540 I'm doubling down on podcasts.
00:48:42.380 If I did have it, I'd come in and do it.
00:48:45.220 By the way, I wouldn't mind one of us just getting it and spreading it to all of us and
00:48:49.300 going, hey guys, let's really bang these out.
00:48:51.240 Now we're done.
00:48:51.900 Let's start doing sets again.
00:48:52.700 Yeah.
00:48:53.100 Just for the infected.
00:48:54.120 Yeah.
00:48:54.260 Now we're done.
00:48:55.060 Yeah.
00:48:55.660 Affected only.
00:48:56.600 Yeah.
00:48:56.720 I wonder if at some point there will become a line where it's like the affected get to
00:49:00.100 do stuff and the unaffected don't get to do it.
00:49:02.580 It's like a herpes website.
00:49:04.560 Yeah.
00:49:05.520 Where you're like, ah man, if you don't have herpes, don't party with us.
00:49:08.000 Dude, I thought if one day there was like a, what if one day they come out with a drug
00:49:11.960 where you can live forever, right?
00:49:13.800 But only some people get it, you know, and some people don't.
00:49:16.720 And there's just going to be that crazy like cutoff.
00:49:19.740 Like they're going to decide like, well, you're over 45.
00:49:22.240 You're not even of use or you're over 60.
00:49:24.360 You're not of use anymore.
00:49:25.580 So you don't get to do that already still.
00:49:27.540 So you don't get it, but under 60 gets it and the government has it.
00:49:33.000 And it's like, it's just going to be this crazy. 0.99
00:49:34.620 Right where they draw the line and you got to fucking pick it. 0.98
00:49:37.120 And there's nothing you can do. 0.99
00:49:38.400 And marriages, your wife would be two years, three years older or whatever. 0.99
00:49:41.800 She can't do it.
00:49:42.880 Ooh, that's not a bad way to get out of a marriage.
00:49:45.320 I mean, it's the law, you know, what am I supposed to do?
00:49:48.860 My point is, my point is to yours, because I loved your special and you think in your head
00:49:54.560 you didn't like it or you're afraid that people didn't like it or whatever.
00:49:57.960 That's how I woke up.
00:49:58.880 I woke up yesterday morning, St. Paddy's Day. 0.99
00:50:00.500 I had that big fucking show planned. 0.99
00:50:03.160 And what happens when you do press for a special is it really gets your mind off of it. 0.98
00:50:07.180 So these first few days when people are sending in tweets and Instagrams and you don't really
00:50:12.360 look at it because you're busy working and promoting and texting and, you know, hitting
00:50:16.440 up friends, hey, can you tweet about this?
00:50:18.200 And so then you don't really realize it until like come Friday.
00:50:20.600 And then by the way, come Friday, everyone's there for the weekend.
00:50:23.300 It's your fans hitting you up.
00:50:25.040 So you don't think about it. 1.00
00:50:25.740 I woke up yesterday, fucking panicked. 0.98
00:50:27.660 I mean, all you can remember are the jokes you're not proud of. 0.99
00:50:31.520 It's like, it's like, it's like, God damn it. 0.97
00:50:34.300 And then this morning was the first time I did any real legit press where I called into 0.99
00:50:39.020 radio stations and they were like, oh man, I love that joke you have about beating your
00:50:42.900 wife with a mop. 0.99
00:50:43.500 And I'm like, oh, that's a good joke.
00:50:45.500 Or the, I had a joke that, I had a joke that, uh, went that they memed like it.
00:50:50.180 Oh, that's nice.
00:50:51.060 I wrote it 18 months ago, performed it, filmed it November and then 50 cent put a, put it
00:50:56.920 on a meme.
00:50:57.360 And it was like, and I didn't get any credit, but you know, it's a good joke when it gets
00:51:01.460 memed.
00:51:02.140 Yeah.
00:51:02.360 And so, but you don't think about those. 1.00
00:51:04.420 You think about the shit ones. 0.99
00:51:05.380 And so it's not until you get fucking texts like from like Segura or cow head or like my 0.99
00:51:10.700 friends that mean something. 0.96
00:51:12.160 They go, Hey, the secret time. 1.00
00:51:13.960 I thought that shit, I was so terrified that that special just sucked. 1.00
00:51:17.860 That just sucked. 1.00
00:51:18.820 That everyone was just being nice to me because I'm a nice guy and people like me. 0.69
00:51:21.860 Oh yeah.
00:51:22.600 Yeah.
00:51:22.880 That happened to me too.
00:51:23.780 You're just like, oh, everybody's just saying that because people are like, I watched it
00:51:26.860 nine times.
00:51:27.640 You're like, that's insane.
00:51:28.580 Nobody's ever done that.
00:51:29.700 Someone's like, I watched it back to back.
00:51:31.040 You're like, no, you didn't.
00:51:31.920 But I appreciate you saying that.
00:51:33.320 I appreciate you making me feel better.
00:51:34.800 Right.
00:51:34.960 I remember I did a podcast with Rogan and he goes, he said, I mean, you can find this clip
00:51:41.800 and you can, you can see the look on my face. 0.96
00:51:43.700 It's fucking genuine. 0.98
00:51:45.360 He goes, Hey man, I watched your special. 0.99
00:51:46.980 It's fucking awesome. 0.98
00:51:47.620 And I went, really? 0.98
00:51:49.200 Like, it's genuine.
00:51:50.440 Like, and I couldn't get past it.
00:51:51.840 I go, wait, you, you really watched it?
00:51:53.940 And he was like, yeah, it was awesome.
00:51:54.840 And I was like, hold on.
00:51:56.040 Like, I'm looking at like, are you being serious?
00:51:57.780 Like those compliments are like the way, like Tom Papa said, man, I loved your special.
00:52:03.300 A guy like Tom Papa says that.
00:52:04.980 And you're like, his new special is good too. 0.97
00:52:07.060 Fucking awesome, man. 0.97
00:52:08.020 It's awesome. 0.99
00:52:08.500 It's clean.
00:52:08.960 It's not like, like mine.
00:52:10.080 You can't watch with your family.
00:52:11.260 Yeah.
00:52:11.640 But yeah.
00:52:12.520 I have one, what's one joke that you wish you could take out of a past from that?
00:52:15.200 You're just like, oh, it was just, it wasn't, it's not me anymore.
00:52:17.720 Or it just was too, if there is one.
00:52:20.840 I have, um, I don't like the way I named, I titled my, my first special.
00:52:25.800 Cause it was back before clickbait was a thing, but I, but we knew what clickbait was, but
00:52:30.700 we didn't know what it was and it wasn't, there was nothing really racist in it, but
00:52:35.460 it was like, let's talk about Mexicans.
00:52:37.620 Let's talk about blacks. 0.99
00:52:38.880 Like, it just seems racist. 0.97
00:52:40.820 Oh yeah.
00:52:41.280 Now see stuff.
00:52:42.200 Some stuff does seem racist.
00:52:43.300 Now I'll watch old clips and like, oh man, that seems kind of racist now.
00:52:46.300 But at the time it wasn't at all. 0.74
00:52:48.060 It wasn't like, we've also gotten so fucking in Hollywood have gotten so sensitive on the
00:52:54.500 way that things are like said. 0.91
00:52:57.420 Yeah.
00:52:57.820 And not the reality of them.
00:52:59.480 Like I had a joke.
00:53:00.160 I used to have a joke. 0.99
00:53:00.860 My closing joke was about getting blowjobs. 0.99
00:53:03.940 I forget how it went, but I remember, I remember someone explaining it to me, like showing me 0.98
00:53:08.720 from a woman's point of view, how that's tabid aggressive. 1.00
00:53:11.200 And I just did not see it.
00:53:13.080 I was like, I was like, I tried the sensitive approach.
00:53:15.520 No, I go, I go, you know what women hate when you grab them by the back of the head and 1.00
00:53:18.800 strong arm them down. 0.89
00:53:20.000 I go, you got to see the look on their face.
00:53:21.380 They're like, no, no.
00:53:23.600 I go, I tried the sensitive approach, you know, slide it in their mouth while they're sleeping.
00:53:27.200 Just like, you're dreaming, you're dreaming, you're snorkeling in the keys, feel the fish
00:53:33.040 bouncing off your chin. 1.00
00:53:34.180 So like I, those, I remember this girl going like, it sounds like you're raping your wife. 1.00
00:53:38.140 I go, oh no, no, I'm just fucking her asleep. 1.00
00:53:39.840 She's like, and I was like, oh yeah, I guess that is a little insensitive, but what are you 0.99
00:53:44.720 going to fucking do? 0.96
00:53:44.920 Yeah, but that was a different time. 1.00
00:53:46.180 You could fuck in the sleep back then. 1.00
00:53:48.520 Yeah. 1.00
00:53:49.000 You know?
00:53:49.460 It's called the old moccasin. 1.00
00:53:50.520 It was actually, a lot of women were like, thank you for not waking me up to fuck me. 1.00
00:53:55.240 Because I didn't even care. 1.00
00:53:56.280 I guarantee you if my wife could find a way that I could fuck her while she slept, she 1.00
00:54:00.880 would take it. 1.00
00:54:01.600 That's what I'm saying.
00:54:02.100 That's what I'm saying.
00:54:02.780 A lot of wives would consent in advance to saying yes, please. 1.00
00:54:07.580 I had a joke in one of my specials about, I took it out because it just didn't sound
00:54:12.340 right.
00:54:13.220 Maybe I didn't take it out.
00:54:14.500 It might be a secret time. 0.98
00:54:15.960 I go, you ever had sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you? 1.00
00:54:18.280 Not rape, but like, ever fuck your wife when she doesn't want to fuck you and she's 1.00
00:54:22.500 just like, hmm. 1.00
00:54:24.500 And you're like, you're not really into this.
00:54:25.880 She's like, no, I don't want to be doing this at all.
00:54:27.300 And you're like, huh. 0.73
00:54:28.420 So that sounds like rape. 1.00
00:54:29.280 And you're like, no, I just want to go to Target and I don't want to deal with an asshole. 1.00
00:54:32.440 I'm probably miswording that joke. 0.99
00:54:33.700 But I think I'd tell that at a secret time.
00:54:34.980 I don't know.
00:54:36.260 Yeah, I never had a wife, but I could imagine.
00:54:38.260 Do you think you'd get married?
00:54:40.300 I think I would like to.
00:54:41.600 Is it really, is it pretty cool?
00:54:42.900 I love it.
00:54:43.360 You do?
00:54:43.740 I love it.
00:54:44.140 Yeah, you've always been a big proponent of it.
00:54:46.200 Yeah, but I'm a big, I was a better, I was, I'm a better married dude than I am single
00:54:50.460 dude.
00:54:50.620 Yeah.
00:54:51.120 I could see that.
00:54:51.920 You need that real, that net around.
00:54:53.660 You need that support.
00:54:54.660 You need that.
00:54:55.320 When you go home, you got that love.
00:54:56.780 You got something going on.
00:54:58.140 There's something fun.
00:54:59.280 I can't, I can't imagine.
00:55:00.320 I mean, I look at like you and Delia, I know Delia's now got a kid, but like I look at
00:55:04.880 you, Delia, and like that group of guys who all kind of were like untethered and I go,
00:55:10.120 that must be nice to like go like, I'm going on the road.
00:55:12.300 You know, I'm going to stay on the road and then just go snow skiing and then go into another
00:55:15.640 city or I'm going to do a movie and disappear for a month or, or like, or like in times like
00:55:19.800 this where you go, I don't have to worry about like financially, I'm good for a couple
00:55:23.900 years, you know, but now as a, as a parent and these happen, you start worrying about
00:55:28.700 your kids, you start worrying about finances and you're like, you're like, I know I'm
00:55:32.140 good, but like for how long and how long, like if, and by the way, if shit goes sideways, 0.95
00:55:37.060 I still got to take care of it. 0.75
00:55:38.300 Like say the economy never recovers, never for like five years and like, and no one goes
00:55:43.260 to see standup. 0.98
00:55:43.940 I don't really have any more fucking skill sets, but you could disappear and go bartend, 0.99
00:55:48.160 be the fucking funny bartender and make a hundred thousand dollars a year. 1.00
00:55:50.600 You know? 0.99
00:55:51.440 Yeah, man.
00:55:52.040 You'd be way funnier bartender.
00:55:54.880 I take that back.
00:55:55.140 You'd do any, you'd be great at anything.
00:55:56.960 I'd be a really good bartender.
00:55:57.680 Yeah, but no, I think there's definitely like, yeah, there's a, it's definitely, you
00:56:02.740 start to see guys like Sebastian got married and started a family, you know, you start to
00:56:07.280 see, yeah, Brett Ernst, you see guys start to have kids and stuff.
00:56:10.700 You're like, oh man, I guess, I guess this is something that I have to do if I want to
00:56:14.900 do it.
00:56:15.420 You know, I just have to, at some point I got to start to go down that road, you know,
00:56:18.840 You still have time.
00:56:19.660 Yeah.
00:56:20.200 Yeah.
00:56:21.100 You got to find the right chick.
00:56:22.140 You got to find the right chicken.
00:56:23.280 Yeah.
00:56:23.560 That's another thing. 1.00
00:56:24.380 You don't want to find some Muppet, you know, you don't want to find some fucking 1.00
00:56:27.540 dust Muppet out there who's, you know, copping grams when you're not around or doing shit 1.00
00:56:32.020 like that, stealing shit from you. 0.99
00:56:33.520 Have you had those? 1.00
00:56:34.320 Have you had chicks like that in your life? 1.00
00:56:35.580 I've had some chicks sell some of my shit, you know? 1.00
00:56:37.860 When you were partying, did you date like sketchy chicks? 1.00
00:56:39.920 Uh, I've always kind of dated some real, so a couple of real sketch balls. 0.94
00:56:45.000 My last girlfriend wasn't sketchy though.
00:56:47.140 I don't know if I've made good girlfriend choices.
00:56:49.000 It's just like the messing around choices where you're like, oh, wait, what's the worst?
00:56:52.740 I got to get out of this.
00:56:53.800 Don't tell me your name, but just tell me like the worst.
00:56:56.040 Um, let me think this.
00:56:58.840 I'm sure.
00:56:59.720 Oh, I know the worst, dude.
00:57:01.720 So there was a girl that, um, I don't know if she was the worst really, but there was a 0.98
00:57:09.980 girl who, uh, there was a girl who had taken a bunch of stuff from a holiday in, right?
00:57:15.240 Yeah.
00:57:15.680 And, uh, and this is back when holiday and put wrote holiday and on their, like, uh, on
00:57:19.860 the shower curtains and stuff in their showers and the soaps and everything.
00:57:23.700 No, but I'd hooked up with her at her place and then I took all that stuff and redid her 1.00
00:57:26.920 bathroom in it and put all holiday and shit in there, but that had nothing to do with 0.84
00:57:31.260 her. 0.99
00:57:31.480 I think she was, uh, there was, and then I cheated on her.
00:57:38.680 I guess that had nothing to do with her.
00:57:40.160 I guess that was more me.
00:57:41.300 Let me do another one.
00:57:42.320 Yeah.
00:57:42.440 She was super sketch. 0.99
00:57:43.800 There's one girl where I pass out her house. 0.96
00:57:45.700 I'm pissing her hamper.
00:57:46.700 That wasn't her, but that was more me.
00:57:49.600 You know, trying to think, I mean, I'm sure some, Oh, I remember one time hooking,
00:57:53.700 up with this young lady and she's like, Oh, you can bust right inside of me, you know? 0.99
00:57:59.180 And I'll immediately, I made me not want to even be around her as that just revolted 0.98
00:58:04.140 me to my core that she was just, you know, just even like, I'm not going to ejaculate
00:58:10.160 at all.
00:58:10.420 That's my new thing is I don't bust, man.
00:58:12.240 If I'm having sex, we have sex for a little while.
00:58:14.740 We go our separate ways. 0.83
00:58:16.040 What do you do?
00:58:16.720 Huh? 1.00
00:58:17.040 What do you just, I'll just ejaculate later by myself or I'll, or I'll ejaculate, you 0.99
00:58:21.440 know, at a future time, you weren't jerking off for a while, right? 0.99
00:58:24.580 Yeah. 0.98
00:58:24.740 I've been through some good phases, man.
00:58:26.020 I've struggled recently, but I'm doing my best, you know?
00:58:29.040 Why?
00:58:29.320 How come?
00:58:30.400 I just don't like it, man. 0.97
00:58:32.240 Uh, Oh, and the girl goes, yeah, you can bust inside of me.
00:58:34.760 She goes, uh, I was like, I don't want to do all of that.
00:58:37.720 You know?
00:58:38.280 And she's like, Oh, don't worry.
00:58:39.600 I can't get pregnant. 0.96
00:58:40.780 I don't even have any ovaries. 1.00
00:58:42.620 That's what she yelled out of a fucking car window behind a fucking, uh, what's the place 1.00
00:58:49.820 for you to buy printer ink and everything? 1.00
00:58:51.480 Kinko's?
00:58:52.080 No, no, no, no.
00:58:53.080 A little bit bigger than that.
00:58:54.360 Oh, Office Depot.
00:58:56.720 I'm like, yeah.
00:58:57.900 Out the window of an Office Depot.
00:59:00.760 I don't even got any ovaries.
00:59:02.640 Yeah, dude.
00:59:03.180 I was like, I lost them in a billiards match.
00:59:07.040 Yeah, yeah.
00:59:07.720 I lost them in a skins game.
00:59:10.760 I'm out of here.
00:59:13.540 Long story.
00:59:14.600 I'll just say me and an octopus didn't get along.
00:59:19.440 Oh, so that still ruminates inside of me sometimes.
00:59:23.480 It makes me sad, man.
00:59:25.960 It makes me sad that I ever hooked up with that girl. 0.99
00:59:29.000 I dated sketchy chicks, but never, I never fucked them. 1.00
00:59:32.600 I was always weird about fucking chicks. 1.00
00:59:34.220 Oh, yeah, dude. 1.00
00:59:35.160 Same, man.
00:59:35.840 I was, for a while, I wasn't even good at sex at all, man.
00:59:38.500 And I'm still never, I've never been good at it.
00:59:39.820 I'm not good at it.
00:59:40.480 I'm not good at it.
00:59:41.340 It's terrifying a lot of times. 0.97
00:59:42.820 Oh, I just, I bust so fucking quick. 0.98
00:59:45.200 Oh, wow. 0.99
00:59:46.480 I'm like, literally, I don't think I can get AIDS.
00:59:48.740 It's like the five second rule when you drop something on the ground and you pick it up.
00:59:51.720 You're like, all right, that doesn't count. 0.97
00:59:54.340 Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm not. 0.99
00:59:56.340 I couldn't even see you with AIDS, bro. 1.00
00:59:57.780 I couldn't imagine you with AIDS. 0.98
00:59:59.440 Because I'm so fat.
01:00:00.960 Yeah, I mean, I.
01:00:01.640 You should see pictures of when I was skinnier.
01:00:03.060 Yeah. 0.98
01:00:03.840 Dude, I'd be an ugly AIDS patient. 0.99
01:00:05.540 Oh, dude. 1.00
01:00:06.040 I had a fucking ugly head. 1.00
01:00:08.140 Really? 1.00
01:00:08.640 I had an ugly head. 0.99
01:00:10.280 I've always had an ugly head. 0.99
01:00:11.760 And when I gained weight, my head looked normal on my body. 0.97
01:00:14.500 Oh, I could see that.
01:00:15.440 Like, I have a big, I have a big head, like a size, like, put this on your head and feel
01:00:20.200 how big my head is.
01:00:20.980 My head's pretty big.
01:00:21.920 Oh, wow.
01:00:22.980 Yeah.
01:00:23.520 That's your head?
01:00:24.380 That's my head. 0.99
01:00:25.880 I'm crazy.
01:00:26.420 Oh, my God, bro.
01:00:27.140 I feel like I'm in a little apartment.
01:00:28.480 I know.
01:00:28.820 I feel like I'm, no joke, I'm in a studio apartment, like, hold on, I'll go over here
01:00:33.780 to the kitchen.
01:00:34.540 It's not bad.
01:00:36.260 Yeah.
01:00:36.820 I look.
01:00:37.340 Wow.
01:00:37.940 Sorry, I didn't do my hair.
01:00:39.260 Normally it looks a lot better, but I'm starting to get gray streaks in my hair.
01:00:42.840 Oh, yeah.
01:00:43.620 I'm getting that, man.
01:00:43.800 Gray streaks in my beard.
01:00:44.860 I'm getting that.
01:00:45.280 We got a question right here from a guy named Jean Gu.
01:00:49.640 Looks like an Islamic. 1.00
01:00:52.880 Hey, Theo, what's up?
01:00:53.880 It's your bud, John.
01:00:54.960 What's up, Johnny?
01:00:55.340 And Johnny.
01:00:56.660 Johnny. 0.59
01:00:56.980 Totally gay best friend. 0.98
01:00:59.760 There you go. 0.98
01:01:00.000 So, question for Bert.
01:01:02.320 Given that Theo is in a 12-step program, and a big part of that program is acceptance
01:01:08.220 and forgiveness, do you think that you would ever forgive Ari Shafir for unintentionally
01:01:14.020 drugging you and giving you Molly?
01:01:15.640 So, hope to hear back.
01:01:17.660 Gang, gang.
01:01:19.080 That's a good question.
01:01:20.120 Now, he said unintentionally.
01:01:22.620 Yeah.
01:01:23.680 I think that's where we differ.
01:01:26.980 I think he was pretty direct in his intent.
01:01:30.200 Do you think he wanted to do it like just – do you think there's something in him
01:01:35.380 that's like, I got to get a rise somehow out of things?
01:01:37.920 And it doesn't matter what it is.
01:01:39.100 It doesn't matter if it's like, you know, just his vibe of humor with the Kobe stuff.
01:01:43.760 You know, like – or not just Kobe, but all of that.
01:01:45.640 Going to the edge, you know.
01:01:46.840 I got to douse my friend.
01:01:48.300 I got to do this fire.
01:01:49.480 I think the two are separate.
01:01:53.260 I'll say number one, I think Ari's always succeeded on those outer barriers of comedy, 1.00
01:01:59.200 meaning really pushing the edge, really finding the boundary, and then jumping over it.
01:02:03.800 Yeah.
01:02:04.540 Case in point, the Kobe thing, the – I'm not going to go through Ari's list of the things
01:02:11.280 that –
01:02:11.580 But even the picture of him naked on the stage, like he's always at the – you know,
01:02:14.540 he's always on the – he's always – he's on the dark side of the moon a lot of times.
01:02:19.060 Yeah, 100%.
01:02:20.100 I think – I do think there's a part – I think there's a part of Ari that thought,
01:02:25.280 if we do a podcast and I slip him on Molly, it's going to be the most epic podcast ever.
01:02:30.080 Yeah.
01:02:30.720 Everyone will talk about it for the rest of their lives.
01:02:32.980 And I think that was a part of his thought process.
01:02:36.140 But I do think that part of his intent was, this is going to be a blast.
01:02:41.120 Burr's one of my best friends.
01:02:42.260 I – Molly's not going to kill him.
01:02:44.760 I'm going to give him Molly.
01:02:45.800 We're going to get high.
01:02:46.500 We're going to laugh.
01:02:47.060 We're going to hang out all night.
01:02:47.740 He didn't really calculate it.
01:02:49.040 Like, he was like, I should have checked to see if his kids were in the other room.
01:02:52.300 I should have checked to see –
01:02:53.600 If he had to make dinner or something.
01:02:54.880 Yeah.
01:02:55.200 My wife was making dinner for both of us to have dinner with the girls because my girls loved Ari. 1.00
01:02:59.980 Mm-hmm.
01:03:00.360 And he's like – and he didn't check that I was flying that night.
01:03:04.420 I was starting my tour that night.
01:03:05.760 So there's a lot of things Ari didn't, like, check the boxes for.
01:03:09.620 He just kind of did it.
01:03:10.780 And it was – I mean, it's super regrettable because I still love Ari, and we're still friends.
01:03:18.500 We text all the time.
01:03:19.620 We talk on the phone.
01:03:20.440 But, like, if my daughter sees me texting with Ari, she'll take my phone. 1.00
01:03:23.420 She fucking – Georgia hates Ari. 1.00
01:03:25.400 Leanne hates Ari. 1.00
01:03:26.980 And that's what fucking sucks. 0.99
01:03:28.780 And that – I'll never release the podcast because I just don't – I know for a fact Ari thinks it's epic, 0.98
01:03:33.580 but I've talked too much about it, and if you watch it, you'd know too much about my feelings about what happened.
01:03:38.340 As opposed to if I had never spoken about it and I just released it, it would have been – I mean, it would have – it would have – I think it would have probably gone off without a hitch.
01:03:47.000 But I talked about it so much that I just – I feel like it's not fair to show – it's not fair to show Ari being somewhat insensitive to a friend who believes he was drugged and may die.
01:03:58.500 Right.
01:03:58.860 Because Ari's just – he's high and he doesn't care, and I'm freaked out and I'm having a panic attack, and you can definitely see all that.
01:04:05.720 And I know Ari feels differently, but –
01:04:07.060 Will you one day put him behind a paywall, you think?
01:04:09.480 No.
01:04:10.120 I mean, maybe one day like –
01:04:11.820 Release it as a movie?
01:04:12.880 Got to.
01:04:13.840 I mean –
01:04:15.480 He's got to.
01:04:16.820 I don't know.
01:04:17.920 By the way, it's so crazy.
01:04:19.880 Like, if you – say you heard – you were like, oh, there's outtakes on Reservoir Dogs where they lose – remember there's outtakes on Lily Tom and Losing Her Mind on Dustin Hoffman or someone during a movie?
01:04:33.440 Tootsie, I think.
01:04:34.280 Tootie?
01:04:34.840 Tootsie.
01:04:35.240 Something.
01:04:36.040 And they were like, oh, I want to see that.
01:04:37.160 And you, as a fan, as a fan of podcasts, as a fan – like, a perfect example, right? 0.85
01:04:43.000 When you and Bill Burr did a podcast and everyone was like, bro, what the fuck happened there? 0.71
01:04:47.000 I went right there excited. 0.87
01:04:48.900 I watched it.
01:04:49.860 I didn't see what I think everyone else saw.
01:04:52.920 Like, I just saw you and Bill hanging out.
01:04:54.960 It didn't register for me the way it did for other people, but I ran right to it.
01:04:59.420 I ran right to it.
01:05:00.960 People were – it's on Twitter. 0.98
01:05:02.080 What the fuck happened with Bill and Theo? 0.97
01:05:04.080 And I was like, Bill's one of my best friends. 0.99
01:05:05.840 I've known – Theo's one of my close friends.
01:05:08.240 Like, I've known Bill for 20 years.
01:05:09.840 I've known Theo for 15.
01:05:11.360 Yeah. 0.96
01:05:11.480 Like, I'm fucking – I'm going here. 0.96
01:05:13.920 For me, it didn't, like, razzle-dazzle me. 0.97
01:05:15.820 I can see what people were talking about.
01:05:17.480 I can pick up on hints of it, but, like, it wasn't what I wanted to see.
01:05:20.940 So I know as a fan the idea that you'd want to watch me and Ari – me get drugged. 0.91
01:05:24.800 But I'm just afraid, protective of Ari, especially with all the Kobe shit that went down. 0.93
01:05:30.220 Yeah, wouldn't help him. 0.92
01:05:30.660 It wouldn't help anyone.
01:05:31.820 It really wouldn't help anyone.
01:05:32.500 Trust me, man. 0.95
01:05:33.140 Had I released it and that Kobe shit gone viral, people would have grabbed that and it would have – 0.99
01:05:37.500 Here he is drugging a white guy. 0.99
01:05:39.840 I mean, dude, I'll tell you right now.
01:05:41.480 Now, when it happened, Dr. Drew said, you know, just so you know, by you telling me this, I have to call the police.
01:05:47.660 And I went –
01:05:48.160 Wow.
01:05:48.700 Then I made it up.
01:05:49.780 Then I don't know what you're talking about.
01:05:51.200 So if I put it out there, it would have been – I think it would have been a bad – Ari disagrees 100%.
01:05:56.260 Wow.
01:05:56.800 So Ari says put it out. 1.00
01:05:57.800 Ari wants it out so bad.
01:05:59.040 Wow.
01:05:59.160 Maybe I'll sell it to him one day.
01:06:00.420 There you go.
01:06:01.140 Now we're talking.
01:06:01.860 If he makes it big, which on the rate he's at –
01:06:04.720 He's big, man. 0.99
01:06:05.340 He's just fucking sabotaging himself left and fucking right. 1.00
01:06:09.100 He's the guy that killed Kobe Bryant pretty much. 0.99
01:06:11.020 Yeah, kind of open by that.
01:06:12.300 And a lot of – yeah, and a lot of poorly written articles, you know.
01:06:15.080 Here's the guy – and look at this – the guy was flying the helicopter.
01:06:18.200 He's a picture of Ari sometimes.
01:06:19.940 You know what I'm saying, dude?
01:06:20.840 It's bad.
01:06:21.640 Like, bro, things get mixed up out there.
01:06:23.560 It's a mashup.
01:06:24.700 Yeah.
01:06:25.120 You know, it's a dark art, man.
01:06:26.160 He's so talented, man.
01:06:27.520 And I think that when he does film this special called Jew – I think it's called Jew.
01:06:32.260 Because he's a Jewish supremacist. 0.97
01:06:33.660 He's a Jewish supremacist, yeah. 0.97
01:06:35.720 100%.
01:06:36.080 When he films this special, I think it's going to be huge.
01:06:38.700 And I think people – I think it'll really – I think people will see the artist as opposed to – like, the comic that we've all known.
01:06:46.220 Right. 0.98
01:06:46.620 The sensitive, sweet, fucking, hilarious Ari Shafir as opposed to bloody ass rag. 0.99
01:06:52.940 By the way, that's still part of his personality. 0.99
01:06:54.700 Doug Stanhope will piss on you, and he's one of the most genius comics in the world.
01:06:57.580 Yeah.
01:06:57.740 It's like you can be both people.
01:06:59.860 You can be two things.
01:07:00.840 You can be three things.
01:07:01.580 You can be four things.
01:07:02.320 Yeah.
01:07:02.980 Yeah.
01:07:05.760 Yeah, I don't know.
01:07:06.520 We didn't – like, I remember asking if he wanted to talk about it one day on the podcast and just through texting, and then I never heard back from him about it.
01:07:14.480 But, yeah, it's interesting because if I –
01:07:18.340 Here's what you should do.
01:07:19.520 If you talk to him, make him talk honestly.
01:07:22.100 Right.
01:07:22.340 Because here's what is frustrating to me is that – it's not even frustrating.
01:07:31.880 It's not even frustrating at all.
01:07:33.300 But, like, the part of Ari that apologized and the part that I talked to on the phone at the end of the month when we hadn't spoken for a month, and he had texted me every single day going, like, I want to talk to you.
01:07:43.860 I can't have this happen.
01:07:45.140 I can't lose you as a friend.
01:07:46.280 Like, that guy.
01:07:47.160 Right.
01:07:47.340 That guy talking about it and talking about his experience through that way is so fucking fascinating.
01:07:53.440 The part of him where it's – where he shuts off and deflects and goes, what? 0.79
01:07:59.000 It was a joke.
01:07:59.700 Right. 1.00
01:07:59.880 Fuck it. 1.00
01:08:00.400 You know? 1.00
01:08:00.900 That, for me, I'm not super fascinated by. 0.94
01:08:03.780 But, man, I know the man very fucking well. 0.95
01:08:06.440 Yeah. 0.97
01:08:06.900 And the sensitive side.
01:08:08.440 I would love to hear his perspective of it.
01:08:10.680 From more human space and not from a character.
01:08:12.640 From a human space because it's funny still.
01:08:14.220 Like, his – like, me and him talking, the first time we talked, I was driving to a Planet Fitness in an Uber, and me and him talked.
01:08:20.500 I can see that. 0.96
01:08:21.180 And we were just back and forth, kind of having our first conversation in a month, but giggling and kind of like, like, yeah, that was a fuck deal. 0.98
01:08:29.860 Like, I'd say something like – and then instead of going, like, deflective, he was fucking – but you know what? 0.98
01:08:37.140 That's me asking him to do comedy, and that's offensive. 0.97
01:08:39.960 Right.
01:08:40.160 For me to go, hey, this is how you should talk about it.
01:08:42.300 My point is, I would love – that side of Ari, I would love to hear on a podcast. 0.98
01:08:45.840 Right.
01:08:46.420 Right.
01:08:46.620 You know?
01:08:47.920 Yeah, man.
01:08:49.000 I mean, yeah, he's such a – he's definitely a sweet, nice dude.
01:08:51.600 He's the sweetest spot.
01:08:51.980 I think he just has this wild character that is –
01:08:54.420 Bro, he is God.
01:08:55.340 That is this outlaw.
01:08:56.100 He's like the Jesse James kind of, like, thing.
01:08:58.620 He's like –
01:08:58.820 And you can't change that.
01:09:00.280 No.
01:09:00.660 It's always going to be there.
01:09:01.360 That's his whole thing.
01:09:02.960 And that's a real thing.
01:09:04.220 It's not – yeah, it's real. 0.99
01:09:05.200 He shit on Bobby Lee's car. 0.99
01:09:06.740 Yeah. 1.00
01:09:07.000 He beat up Bobby Lee four times. 0.99
01:09:08.180 There's a part of Ari that's a fucking legit wild card. 1.00
01:09:11.360 Let me tell you something. 0.98
01:09:12.200 Dude, how do you beat up Bobby Lee three times and then go back and beat him up one more time, though?
01:09:16.260 I don't know.
01:09:17.200 I mean, it seems like it was an easy fight. 1.00
01:09:19.420 Yeah, no shit, dude. 0.99
01:09:21.480 Just a lot of uppercuts. 0.99
01:09:22.900 Oh, dude.
01:09:23.680 Or lower cuts.
01:09:24.760 Any cuts, dude.
01:09:25.980 You could easily –
01:09:26.900 Any cuts.
01:09:27.120 Any cuts you could use on Bobby.
01:09:30.300 Dude, definitely, man. 0.99
01:09:31.900 Yeah, Bobby fucking Lee. 0.99
01:09:33.300 Bam, Bobby Lee. 0.99
01:09:34.600 Bobby Lee's so cool.
01:09:35.620 He really is.
01:09:36.420 He's definitely one of a kind.
01:09:38.480 You and him are the two dudes in recovery that have never, ever been browbeady or like never been like – 0.91
01:09:47.080 you know, like when I say shit like, oh, yeah, I'm not drinking right now. 0.93
01:09:49.840 And you're like, nice. 0.98
01:09:50.460 And you're like, yeah, I'm having a hard time sleeping or whatever.
01:09:52.240 And I don't know what I said to you last time, but I said something about not drinking.
01:09:55.280 And you're like, yeah.
01:09:57.060 And you just got like, I heard.
01:09:58.460 I know what you're talking about.
01:09:59.520 And then I was like, all right, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.
01:10:02.040 And you took off. 0.97
01:10:02.800 But both of you and Bobby Lee have always been cool about whatever fucking thoughts I have out loud, 0.96
01:10:07.600 just listening and being like a friend. 0.96
01:10:10.080 Oh, right on, man.
01:10:10.680 So as you know, some dudes are a little bit like, hey, man.
01:10:13.440 Yeah.
01:10:13.860 Here's the deal.
01:10:14.240 You got a problem, man, and I can help.
01:10:15.580 Yeah.
01:10:15.700 Or I can be your savior. 0.99
01:10:16.540 And you're like, no, you fucking can't. 0.99
01:10:18.080 I can't. 0.99
01:10:18.680 You run an open mic out of Burbank, and I'm not trusting my life with you at all. 1.00
01:10:22.420 I'd much rather be a failed alcoholic than fucking your sidekick at a fucking AA meeting. 1.00
01:10:28.340 Yeah, don't make me beat up Bobby Lee again. 1.00
01:10:30.220 Jesus.
01:10:30.680 You know what I'm saying?
01:10:31.320 I went to one AA meeting.
01:10:32.680 Did you?
01:10:33.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:10:33.660 This was probably 18 years.
01:10:35.960 No.
01:10:36.480 Was it mixed or men's?
01:10:38.020 Mixed.
01:10:38.580 Okay.
01:10:39.100 Mixed.
01:10:39.420 Is men's better? 0.99
01:10:40.960 Men's is definitely like a little bit more.
01:10:42.980 It gets like a little bit more sentimental, I think.
01:10:45.560 The mixed ones, there's always that element of like impressing women or seeing what's going on a little bit. 1.00
01:10:51.140 Oh, yeah.
01:10:51.540 Yeah, this was.
01:10:52.340 You know, because they got a lot of bottle thoughts out there.
01:10:54.360 A lot of chicks who give up the liquor just to get a man, you know? 1.00
01:10:57.780 Oh.
01:10:59.720 Yeah.
01:11:00.420 By the way, I can see myself totally getting sober because of a chick in AA.
01:11:06.540 Oh, yeah.
01:11:06.980 And then falling off with her when she wanted to fall off.
01:11:08.720 Yeah.
01:11:09.160 I can totally see that happening.
01:11:11.460 But I went to an AA meeting one time.
01:11:12.700 It was over.
01:11:13.340 I guess I shouldn't say anything like that.
01:11:15.700 No, you can say where it was.
01:11:16.660 On Moorpark?
01:11:17.440 No, this was when I lived in Hollywood.
01:11:19.440 It was on the corner of Franklin and Highland.
01:11:24.060 So it was like, I think it was Franklin and Highland.
01:11:25.660 Yeah, Franklin and Highland.
01:11:26.620 It's over by that Starbucks over there.
01:11:28.260 So everyone went to the Starbucks and then walked across the street to the school or library or what it was.
01:11:33.200 It was in like an auditorium, library type setting.
01:11:36.340 And you go in, they give you the book, and you're sitting down first, and then they're going around.
01:11:43.380 And then the guy I was with, this really cool dude, and he—
01:11:48.340 You went to support him?
01:11:49.540 No, no, no.
01:11:50.420 I was—Leanne had dumped me.
01:11:53.380 We had been dating for like four months, and she dumped me because I got drunk at a party, and I wouldn't let a fight go, like an argument with her friends.
01:11:59.360 I just fought—I died on the hill.
01:12:01.360 I was like, this is my hill to die on.
01:12:02.920 And I got drunk, and then I couldn't rebound emotionally from that fight.
01:12:07.180 And then she broke up with me.
01:12:08.260 And so I just said, I'm done.
01:12:09.560 I'm done drinking.
01:12:10.580 I got drunk, and I lost a chick that I loved, and I don't want that.
01:12:14.840 And if I want to find chicks I love that I want to keep, I got to be sober.
01:12:18.200 I see.
01:12:18.600 Because that's not going to work for me.
01:12:19.420 Yeah, yeah, I feel you.
01:12:20.000 I tried to learn French once to get a woman back. 1.00
01:12:22.480 I made a boat out of clay for a woman once. 0.70
01:12:24.680 I made a mixtape for Leanne.
01:12:25.900 You did?
01:12:26.240 Dude, she dumped me.
01:12:27.960 She dumped me.
01:12:29.260 I made a mixtape, and I drove down La Brea sobbing, crying.
01:12:33.740 Oh, yeah.
01:12:34.320 Sobbing, crying, and put it on her car like a mixtape with a letter. 0.83
01:12:38.820 And I went back, and I cried so hard.
01:12:42.940 This is how bad I was hurt when Leanne dumped me.
01:12:44.980 I cried so hard.
01:12:46.200 I went into my shower because I didn't want anyone to hear me.
01:12:48.200 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:12:48.740 But I couldn't sit on the ground.
01:12:51.100 I didn't want to sit on the ground, so I brought one of those exercise balls in.
01:12:54.880 Into the shower?
01:12:55.400 Into the shower.
01:12:55.960 But it couldn't fit through the door, so I had to deflate it, crying, bring it into
01:13:00.220 the shower, crying, re-inflate it, crying, and sit on it, crying.
01:13:04.480 It was-
01:13:04.960 You're trying to breathe deep when you're crying, too.
01:13:06.300 Ooh.
01:13:07.200 And so I'm sitting on ... I lived up on ... It's a street called Glencoe.
01:13:11.940 God, it's beautiful, man.
01:13:13.320 Right above-
01:13:14.280 Yeah, I know exactly where that is.
01:13:16.240 I was sitting on there eating an Asian pear.
01:13:18.320 I hadn't drank in a couple days.
01:13:20.380 I was ... Not out of any other thing that I've been crying this whole time.
01:13:23.660 Is this in the Bible?
01:13:24.660 I feel like this is in the Bible, dude.
01:13:26.040 Yeah.
01:13:26.620 And so this dude comes out, lived up there, and he goes ... 0.99
01:13:31.300 Hey, fag. 1.00
01:13:33.840 What did he do? 1.00
01:13:34.800 What did he say?
01:13:35.820 He goes, what's going on? 0.99
01:13:37.140 And I was like, I'm going through some shit. 0.99
01:13:40.140 And I said something about it, because he was a ... 0.99
01:13:42.460 How did he get in the shower?
01:13:43.680 He came in the-
01:13:44.080 No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:13:45.140 I was on the street.
01:13:46.360 Oh, okay.
01:13:46.620 I was on the street.
01:13:47.500 I was on the street in an Asian pear.
01:13:49.580 Okay, okay.
01:13:50.780 Sorry.
01:13:51.220 I merged this up there somewhere.
01:13:52.960 I didn't know we left the apartment.
01:13:55.660 So he used to be a sober coach, so they'd hire him.
01:13:59.680 Oh, yeah.
01:14:00.340 That's a big job.
01:14:01.420 They'd hire him to go with huge actors to their movie to keep them sober so that they
01:14:06.460 could get insured.
01:14:07.640 Get through it.
01:14:08.120 Denzel Washington is a man everybody talks about a lot of times he gets real sober for
01:14:12.400 films.
01:14:13.100 Oh, yeah?
01:14:13.400 Yeah.
01:14:13.860 You always hear that anyway.
01:14:14.760 It's a rumor.
01:14:15.340 So this guy, then ... That's what he did for a living.
01:14:18.140 He made great money.
01:14:20.200 And he was a nice man, tall guy? 0.98
01:14:21.800 The fucking coolest dude. 0.98
01:14:22.440 Short guy? 0.99
01:14:23.060 Good guy. 1.00
01:14:23.500 No, yoked, good-looking dude, Harley, Connie Corso dog, like just the fucking ... He was 1.00
01:14:29.360 the man.
01:14:29.920 Right.
01:14:30.240 And so he just ... And he knew all the talk, man.
01:14:33.540 But he was like ... He had been sober for a while, and he'd been doing this so long.
01:14:37.440 And he tried to get you in, and he took you to a meeting.
01:14:39.300 No, all he said was, he goes ... I said, I'm thinking I'm going to quit drinking for a
01:14:42.720 while.
01:14:43.460 And he was like, how long?
01:14:44.560 I said, I don't know.
01:14:45.320 And he was like, hey, sometimes it's easier to just go, let's just take today.
01:14:50.920 Don't worry about when you're going to start.
01:14:52.400 Just take today.
01:14:53.060 I was like, maybe I should.
01:14:54.920 And he goes, and if you need help today, why don't you come to a meeting with me?
01:14:59.580 And I was like, man, my fear was I was going to start drinking because I was so depressed
01:15:03.800 about it with Leanne dumping me.
01:15:05.780 And so I said, I'll go ... I was like, I'll try anything.
01:15:09.680 I was like, I'll go to a meeting.
01:15:10.640 I'll go to a meeting, yeah.
01:15:11.500 We went down.
01:15:12.040 We got coffee.
01:15:12.880 I'd never had coffee at night.
01:15:14.440 Oh, yeah.
01:15:14.840 I'd never done that.
01:15:15.960 We got coffee.
01:15:16.820 We went to the meeting.
01:15:18.160 And he was like, just listen, man.
01:15:20.020 You don't have to do anything.
01:15:20.660 Just listen.
01:15:21.740 So they're going around.
01:15:22.760 Everyone's talking.
01:15:23.960 And it's like four guys from me, and he hits me, and he goes, hey, listen.
01:15:28.720 I know you're a comic.
01:15:29.440 If you want to talk, if you want to talk about what you're going through, everyone's
01:15:31.840 going to listen.
01:15:32.840 And I was like, really?
01:15:34.060 And he was like, yeah, just spill everything.
01:15:36.380 You don't have to be funny.
01:15:36.980 Just spill everything.
01:15:38.100 I was like, all right.
01:15:38.880 All right.
01:15:39.220 Good call.
01:15:40.180 So I'm sitting, and then it gets to me, and I go to stand up, and this guy next to
01:15:43.700 me that I didn't ... He kind of was behind me.
01:15:45.620 He stands up.
01:15:46.340 He goes, actually, I'm having a really rough day.
01:15:48.200 And I was like, okay.
01:15:49.580 And so I sit back down, and he goes, hi, my name's ... I'm an alcoholic.
01:15:53.240 And everyone's like, hi, ... And he goes, oh, it's been a bad day. 1.00
01:15:56.560 I woke up this morning, I sucked my landlord's dick, and then I lit his car on fire. 0.99
01:16:00.600 And I, as a comic with Theo, I went, how do I follow that? 1.00
01:16:04.180 The old exacto. 0.98
01:16:05.040 So I just was like, I'm fucking out. 0.97
01:16:06.480 I'm like, I'm sitting down. 0.99
01:16:07.680 And then I fucking ... I was like, never went back to another meeting. 0.98
01:16:10.440 I was like, I can't beat that guy.
01:16:12.900 Yeah, it's hard.
01:16:13.640 And then I stayed sober for eight months, and Leanne and I, one night, we're in Venice,
01:16:18.560 Italy.
01:16:18.740 Why stayed sober for eight months, dude?
01:16:20.800 That's huge.
01:16:22.140 I don't have a problem staying sober.
01:16:24.560 Right.
01:16:24.780 My problem, if there is a problem, my problem is turning it on and off.
01:16:29.700 I don't really do it the way regular people do it, where I don't drink during the days.
01:16:35.280 I only drink at nights.
01:16:36.240 But in a weird way, it's like I get the itch.
01:16:39.300 So like eight o'clock or seven o'clock, Sun starts setting, I go, I wouldn't mind a glass
01:16:42.980 of wine.
01:16:43.420 Yeah.
01:16:43.920 But once I stop drinking, like we do sober October, I have no problem not drinking.
01:16:48.780 Right.
01:16:48.980 And by the way, I have a hard time starting drinking again.
01:16:52.660 But once I start November 1st, I'm back in.
01:16:54.840 I'm back in the game.
01:16:55.760 Like it's not every night, but it's pretty much like any night I'm on the road.
01:17:00.840 Oh, the road must be tough, man.
01:17:02.540 Being sober on the road was really tough because you get done a show, and you're just sitting
01:17:06.900 there like, so now what?
01:17:08.320 Yeah.
01:17:08.520 Like, what do we eat?
01:17:09.320 Like, what are we going to do?
01:17:10.600 Do you want to smoke cigars?
01:17:11.700 And so now you're smoking three cigars a day.
01:17:14.040 And so, and I was working, I was being so healthy, but you, I don't know, when I can
01:17:19.000 drink on the road, I just do it.
01:17:20.840 So.
01:17:21.060 Yeah, I would.
01:17:21.600 I feel like if I'm out there, especially like I'm out there on a tour bus and stuff like
01:17:24.500 that, I would just, yeah, I would probably just be getting hammered out there.
01:17:29.340 I feel like it would be real risky.
01:17:30.740 What was this question we had right here from a young fella or woman?
01:17:33.120 And this is a man.
01:17:34.540 It's kind of what you just talked about.
01:17:36.240 Oh, yeah.
01:17:36.780 Oh, this message is for Bert.
01:17:38.800 Me and Theo come from the same cloth.
01:17:42.760 Looks like I'm coming from God.
01:17:45.660 But how do you drink so much and stop for Sober October?
01:17:51.340 How do you do that?
01:17:52.860 I can't even imagine just stopping drinking like that without any program or anything like
01:17:57.840 that.
01:17:58.060 How do you do it, Bert?
01:17:59.700 Gang, gang, boy.
01:18:01.540 How do you, yeah, how do you do that?
01:18:03.480 I don't know, you just, you just make a decision.
01:18:05.600 You just shut it down.
01:18:06.540 I mean, you know, do you now ramping up until October?
01:18:09.500 Are you like, okay, September, I'm going to drink as much.
01:18:13.520 I got to, I got to, we're going to have this last night is going to be a big party.
01:18:17.140 Do you have a party the night before?
01:18:18.780 No.
01:18:19.220 Yeah.
01:18:19.700 No, actually, usually I'll quit drinking a couple days before.
01:18:22.900 Just kind of prep.
01:18:23.800 No, just because like I go, I don't want to ramp up and be hung over October 1st where 0.92
01:18:30.000 I'm like, oh, I'd rather have that shit day here so that if I need a glass of wine to go 0.73
01:18:36.080 to bed, like if I'm like, you know, I'm going to have a glass of wine. 0.98
01:18:38.360 So like I'll kind of taper it off and then, and then I just stopped.
01:18:41.440 I've done it both ways.
01:18:42.960 I did it this last year. 0.64
01:18:44.300 I got fucking wasted, uh, September 30th or whatever, and then turned it off the year 0.92
01:18:51.480 before I kind of tapered off a little bit the year before that. 0.96
01:18:54.300 I think I, I think I didn't drink because the rule is you can't, you got to stop drinking
01:19:00.240 at midnight, right?
01:19:01.280 So you can't, you can't build up to midnight and then go, I'm done.
01:19:04.340 That's not going to happen.
01:19:05.300 Yeah.
01:19:05.560 So like I always tapered off a tad bit, but, uh, I don't know, man, I have a weird thing
01:19:10.920 in my head.
01:19:11.300 It's, it's very punitive.
01:19:12.540 I'm very punitive and I'm a little obsessive compulsive.
01:19:15.820 So like, like I'm not drinking right now.
01:19:17.720 I'm not going to drink for the next probably.
01:19:19.620 I mean, I may, I may.
01:19:20.760 I've never had anybody drinking here.
01:19:22.060 No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:19:23.340 I meant, I meant, I meant, I meant this.
01:19:25.880 I'm not drinking right now, this time of my life.
01:19:27.820 Oh, I see what you're saying.
01:19:28.600 And so we got a lot of work to do too right now.
01:19:31.340 Yeah. 0.98
01:19:31.640 And I have plenty of fucking free time. 0.99
01:19:33.700 I'm like, dude, last thing I'm gonna do is fuck a bunch of free time up with booze. 0.99
01:19:36.740 Yeah. 0.95
01:19:37.100 It's like when you go on vacation, my biggest mistake when I was younger is I'd go on vacation and get 0.94
01:19:40.520 fucking wasted the whole time. 0.97
01:19:41.620 The whole time. 1.00
01:19:42.040 Come home and be like more tired from the vacation than I was with my wife.
01:19:45.080 Yeah.
01:19:45.240 I went on vacation one time to Hawaii and my wife's like, no booze. 1.00
01:19:47.440 I did it and I had a fucking blast. 0.98
01:19:49.580 Yeah. 0.99
01:19:49.780 Up early, jogging, swimming, snorkeling.
01:19:52.980 Oh, it's like the greatest vacation.
01:19:54.740 I love snorkeling.
01:19:55.900 Oh, dude.
01:19:57.140 Leanne loves snorkeling too.
01:19:57.820 I'm good out there.
01:19:58.660 Oh.
01:19:59.040 When I'm out there, I feel like I'm supposed to be out there.
01:20:01.660 Me too.
01:20:02.540 You know what we did in Fiji, we kind of floated the reef where they drop you off and you just
01:20:06.820 kind of cruise with the reef.
01:20:08.360 Oh.
01:20:09.400 Is Fiji pretty cool? 0.98
01:20:10.400 Fiji was fucking awesome. 1.00
01:20:11.620 Yeah. 0.96
01:20:11.720 It was really great.
01:20:13.080 Oh, I'm sorry.
01:20:13.660 I'm about to say Fiji.
01:20:14.400 Bali.
01:20:14.980 Fiji's great too.
01:20:15.740 Oh, wow.
01:20:16.100 Yeah.
01:20:16.440 I went to Fiji as well. 0.96
01:20:17.200 Fiji's amazing, but Bali's fucking legit. 1.00
01:20:20.060 I don't know. 0.97
01:20:20.600 I wish I could tell you.
01:20:21.460 I talked to Dr. Drew about it, why I get to this place where I shut it down and then
01:20:25.360 I don't.
01:20:25.740 And then I'll tell you right now, man, if I don't drink for this whole time we're off or
01:20:29.740 whatever time we're off, I'll have a really hard time starting again.
01:20:33.220 Do you feel like you have to drink because of your show and because of your act?
01:20:35.960 I think people would be really, I think people would probably look at me different.
01:20:41.340 I think people look at my show as like a reason to tap out and have a good time.
01:20:45.720 Yeah.
01:20:46.120 And I think they, I think.
01:20:47.220 Yeah, let's go celebrate.
01:20:48.020 I'm also the guy that like, when I go to a party, like with parents, I'm the guy that
01:20:52.720 gives everyone a license to get a little loaded.
01:20:55.120 And I don't, you can never tell when I'm wasted.
01:20:56.940 I mean, I can, but you normally people can't.
01:20:59.440 So, so it's, I feel like they go on.
01:21:02.000 Your lips get wetter.
01:21:02.960 I noticed that.
01:21:03.560 Yeah.
01:21:04.640 They do.
01:21:05.560 Yeah.
01:21:06.200 It's okay though.
01:21:07.280 But, but yeah, I don't know how I, I don't know.
01:21:09.640 I wish I knew.
01:21:10.420 And I've talked to Dr. Drew about it.
01:21:12.020 I'm like, am I an alcoholic?
01:21:12.800 He goes, I don't think so.
01:21:14.120 He goes, I think you're going to have health problems if you continue the way you do it.
01:21:17.560 Yeah.
01:21:18.020 So that's where I like turning it off.
01:21:19.800 Yeah.
01:21:20.120 He's so smart too, Dr. Drew, isn't he?
01:21:21.740 He's a dude.
01:21:22.280 He's the bad.
01:21:23.140 This whole coronavirus thing. 1.00
01:21:24.720 I've been texting him about like mental health shit. 1.00
01:21:27.020 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:28.180 I've talked about it, but no one really knows too much about it.
01:21:31.060 But like, I definitely have anxiety like that.
01:21:33.440 I can't, I sometimes I can't deal with.
01:21:35.320 I think that probably leads to me drinking, but there are times where I just like, can't
01:21:41.160 deal with it.
01:21:41.660 And when this coronavirus kicked off, I was like, I was like, I wouldn't leave in the
01:21:47.440 bus.
01:21:47.940 Like we, I like, I was like, yeah, I'm safe here.
01:21:51.060 Like, why would I get out of the bus?
01:21:52.380 It's out there.
01:21:53.080 And everyone's like.
01:21:53.220 And it's where it's just at your place right now.
01:21:54.580 Where is it?
01:21:55.080 It's at my house right now.
01:21:56.120 Yeah.
01:21:56.640 But, uh, but like I wasn't like, we were driving across country with Drew from New Orleans
01:22:00.520 to, uh, LA and I just was like, I just wasn't getting out of the bus.
01:22:04.960 Wow.
01:22:05.580 And they were like, what?
01:22:06.680 And I was, it was like, they didn't know what was going on.
01:22:08.880 So everyone's with me, but I could, my head was just chewing the same thoughts over and
01:22:12.140 over again.
01:22:12.780 So I called Dr.
01:22:13.560 Drew and he's like, all right, let's talk.
01:22:15.960 I go, I'm actually good today.
01:22:17.020 But so, yeah, he's such a nice outlet.
01:22:20.380 He's such a really, yeah, just his tone and everything is a good way to communicate.
01:22:24.120 We had a question that came up right here from a young woman.
01:22:26.200 This is a man actually.
01:22:30.820 Young fella.
01:22:32.240 Bert, got a question for you.
01:22:34.660 If there's no Tito's available, what's your, what's your other go-to drink?
01:22:40.300 And Theo, back in your, uh, your drinking days, what was your, what was your go-to drink?
01:22:46.000 Gang, gang.
01:22:47.300 Gang, bro.
01:22:49.060 Well, I like to do a Miller High Life was a beer that I really enjoyed.
01:22:54.640 Really?
01:22:54.960 And it's in Europe too.
01:22:56.660 And it's a beer that I always, that I thoroughly enjoyed was a Miller High Life.
01:23:00.180 And I, and I used to live with a man who would eat Tostitos at night and drink Miller Lite.
01:23:05.660 So sometimes I'd sit in the living room and watch him.
01:23:07.400 He didn't know I was sitting there in the dark watching him. 1.00
01:23:08.980 And he'd be on the computer looking at pornography and shit, eating fucking Tostitos and drinking 1.00
01:23:12.960 Miller Lite. 1.00
01:23:14.320 And I used to watch him.
01:23:15.320 But yeah, when I was drinking, what else did we have?
01:23:17.860 A little bit of Mad Dog.
01:23:19.980 Um, 2020 was kind of popular.
01:23:22.240 Ripple. 0.99
01:23:22.920 A lot of the brothers would fucking let you hit that ripple jug, you know? 0.99
01:23:26.240 Yeah. 0.98
01:23:26.460 And, uh, but yeah, once we got into college, beer, you know, and then once I got out of
01:23:33.600 there, I went through a gin and tonic phase over there in Charleston, South Carolina.
01:23:38.060 Gin and tonics are beautiful.
01:23:39.580 Oh my God.
01:23:40.680 What's in them? 0.99
01:23:41.380 They're fucking good. 0.99
01:23:41.780 If you don't talk too much about booze, like I'll literally get my hopes up. 0.99
01:23:45.400 Yeah.
01:23:45.520 Like I'll go, like you, you, you can sell me on a drink where I go, I got, I might need
01:23:49.900 one of those.
01:23:50.420 I talked to someone today and he was like, I'm having a white wine.
01:23:52.700 I'm on the keys.
01:23:53.980 I'm was coronavirus is freaking me out.
01:23:55.280 I just woke up.
01:23:55.880 I poured a white wine.
01:23:56.640 And then my, it's like four in the morning to me.
01:23:59.180 Yeah.
01:23:59.660 I'm doing a radio tour. 0.99
01:24:00.440 And I was like, God, I want a fucking glass of white wine. 1.00
01:24:02.380 White wine. 1.00
01:24:02.960 Yeah.
01:24:03.180 I don't, I don't have a problem getting back on.
01:24:05.960 Look, you'd like me walking my way into back drinking tonight.
01:24:08.300 Look, I don't have a problem, man.
01:24:09.340 I might drink tonight.
01:24:10.280 This doesn't be totally fine.
01:24:11.360 Yeah.
01:24:11.640 But man, gin and tonics.
01:24:12.880 Oh, they were great.
01:24:14.640 Gin and tonics on Monday night football.
01:24:16.540 Oh, really?
01:24:17.760 My sister worked, got a job at Fox.
01:24:19.700 We just had Georgia and we used to go over to her house in like, oh, down on Pico.
01:24:25.640 My two sisters lived together.
01:24:27.040 My sister and I would make gin and tonics and we'd make dinner.
01:24:30.260 We'd watch my daughter.
01:24:30.900 My wife would go to tennis practice. 0.97
01:24:32.360 My other sister would come home and we'd all grill out, have gin and tonics.
01:24:36.300 Gin and tonics remind me of Monday night football.
01:24:38.280 That's awesome, man.
01:24:39.500 It's such a, we drink them out at this place.
01:24:42.200 I don't remember what it was called and just stand out there and look at the grass and have
01:24:44.740 a couple of gin and tonics, bro.
01:24:45.960 They had like, you know, like a lot of like marsh grass and palmettos and stuff like that.
01:24:51.860 So this is in South Carolina and we drink nine of them, 11 of them, man. 1.00
01:24:55.840 Fucking drink those bitches till your eyes wouldn't close, you know? 1.00
01:24:58.500 It's funny. 1.00
01:24:58.900 I don't enjoy the taste.
01:24:59.680 I have to lay a rag over my eyes to sleep.
01:25:02.440 I couldn't get my eyes closed if I had enough, too much gin.
01:25:05.120 I couldn't.
01:25:05.840 I never, I know.
01:25:06.700 I don't really love the taste of Tito's and sodas.
01:25:10.040 I love the taste of a gin and tonic.
01:25:11.860 Yeah.
01:25:12.420 Like, I love the taste of a Bloody Mary, a strong Bloody Mary, spicy.
01:25:16.460 I love that taste.
01:25:17.360 I love the taste of a white Russian.
01:25:18.740 Oh, yeah.
01:25:19.220 I love the taste.
01:25:20.160 I just got back into IPAs.
01:25:22.040 I wasn't an IPA guy.
01:25:23.520 Dude, I had a period where I couldn't drink IPAs because I was drinking one in the morning.
01:25:26.800 They used to give these gravity jugs.
01:25:28.560 I was taking a shower.
01:25:30.140 I had to jump off the stratosphere that day, that next day.
01:25:32.600 Oh, wow.
01:25:33.020 And I was in the shower in Utah, and I had a, they called it a gravity jug, and it was
01:25:36.760 like a really strong IPA, and I was getting ready to go on a plane. 0.98
01:25:39.480 I'm drinking in the shower because I don't want to fucking fly. 0.96
01:25:41.920 I have so much anxiety. 0.97
01:25:42.880 And I'm running late for the flight, and I drank too much, and I threw up an IPA, a
01:25:49.120 strong IPA in the shower.
01:25:51.420 Ugh.
01:25:52.760 I was thinking about it.
01:25:54.380 It's too much, huh?
01:25:55.380 Oof.
01:25:55.800 I couldn't drink IPAs for a long time.
01:25:58.240 And then once-
01:25:58.880 Because those tannins and stuff from that oak or whatever gets into your gills.
01:26:02.800 Do you know what I miss?
01:26:04.160 Because I can't drink it because I'm on blood pressure medicine, is grapefruit and vodka.
01:26:08.920 Oh, wow.
01:26:09.420 I never heard that. 0.97
01:26:09.920 Grapefruit and gin is fucking awesome. 0.98
01:26:12.300 Geez, you've named every drink on this one. 0.97
01:26:14.820 Dude, that's very good, bro.
01:26:16.000 Dude, a jack on the rocks.
01:26:17.140 Double jack on the rocks.
01:26:18.460 Lots of ice.
01:26:19.180 That's my takeoff drink on planes.
01:26:20.680 Oh, really?
01:26:21.080 Sit down on a plane.
01:26:21.860 What do you want, sir?
01:26:22.640 I'll take a double jack on the rocks.
01:26:23.880 Lots of ice.
01:26:24.360 Lots of ice, please.
01:26:25.320 These are how I take my-
01:26:26.340 These are on my orders.
01:26:27.400 This is when you know you drink too much.
01:26:28.840 These are my orders, okay?
01:26:30.760 Double Tito's soda, big glass, no lime.
01:26:32.580 Can I get a double jack on the rocks?
01:26:34.000 Lots of ice.
01:26:34.500 Can I get a beer but pour it in the glass?
01:26:36.080 Just pour the whole thing in the glass?
01:26:37.320 Do not just give me the can.
01:26:38.720 Okay.
01:26:39.000 No, no, actually, give me the can.
01:26:40.520 Give me the can.
01:26:40.960 Don't pour it in the glass.
01:26:42.720 Yeah, man, I am really specific about how I take drinks.
01:26:45.280 But look, I think also, I think men, as they get older,
01:26:47.960 they get specific about how they take everything.
01:26:50.060 It's not like, don't give me this, just like I'm 19 again.
01:26:53.840 It was when you were a kid and you'd have to call your dad
01:26:55.500 and be like, how do I like my steak?
01:26:56.940 And he'd be like, medium rare.
01:26:58.260 How do I get this tie to work?
01:26:59.640 Yeah, how do I do this?
01:27:00.560 Now it's like you know exactly how you want things.
01:27:02.740 It's just like, okay, this is how I do it
01:27:04.260 or I don't do it at all.
01:27:05.320 Do you remember?
01:27:05.560 It was like the first time you ever bought a car
01:27:07.180 and you like, you picked it out.
01:27:08.820 Paid cash, boy.
01:27:10.120 1984 Ford Escort, dude.
01:27:12.700 With no passenger seat.
01:27:15.060 Somebody stole it.
01:27:17.140 But it had it when I got it.
01:27:18.480 But I think the guy stole it back, the guy I bought it from.
01:27:20.580 Really?
01:27:20.960 Yeah, I never really went into it, but I do think that.
01:27:23.900 But like the first car you bought,
01:27:25.940 like that you went into a dealership
01:27:27.560 and you said like, I'm looking at this.
01:27:31.380 And the guy showed you things and you were like,
01:27:34.080 he's like, what color would you look?
01:27:35.220 And you had to make all these decisions on your own.
01:27:37.660 My first car was an Expedition,
01:27:42.280 an Eddie Bauer black on tan Expedition.
01:27:45.120 Praise God, I remember those.
01:27:46.180 And I remember looking at it and going, this is the car.
01:27:48.700 This is it.
01:27:49.360 I want the tan interior.
01:27:50.600 I can sleep in the back.
01:27:51.440 Yeah.
01:27:51.980 Oh, I slept in that back a lot. 0.99
01:27:53.700 I fucked Leanne in the driver's seat one time. 1.00
01:27:55.660 Did you really? 1.00
01:27:56.160 Yeah, she slammed my thumb in the car door 1.00
01:27:58.080 and I didn't care.
01:27:59.080 I just kept banging away.
01:28:00.140 Middle of the night, that thumb started hurting more
01:28:01.940 than I've ever felt anything hurt.
01:28:03.440 And she took a needle, lit it over a match 0.72
01:28:06.040 and pushed it in, popped it 1.00
01:28:07.400 and blood squirted out of her fucking thumb. 1.00
01:28:09.620 That was the most pain I've, 0.99
01:28:10.760 that's probably the most pain I've ever been in my life. 1.00
01:28:12.800 That fucking thumb. 1.00
01:28:14.020 Yeah. 1.00
01:28:14.760 The fingers are really,
01:28:16.320 it's amazing kind of sometimes what's in there.
01:28:18.180 You know, you wonder what's in your hands all the time.
01:28:21.680 Have you seen that show,
01:28:22.960 My Feet Are Killing Me?
01:28:23.980 I don't watch that kind of stuff.
01:28:25.820 We've got a question right here from somebody.
01:28:28.940 Oh, John Reap.
01:28:30.460 Yeah.
01:28:31.100 Yeah, what up, Theo?
01:28:32.340 It's Nick from Melbourne, Australia.
01:28:33.920 Cheers, man.
01:28:35.080 My question's for Bert.
01:28:37.460 Did the LA Marathon, did the triathlon.
01:28:41.200 What's next?
01:28:43.040 Surely we can squeeze a big bike ride or something out of you.
01:28:45.960 Gang, gang.
01:28:46.660 Gang, brother.
01:28:48.020 Yeah, Bert, it's crazy
01:28:48.880 because from one end of the spectrum you hit,
01:28:50.940 you hit the other end of the spectrum too, man.
01:28:52.600 Some real pinnacles athletically.
01:28:54.240 Yeah, I already rode a bike.
01:28:55.460 I rode a bike from Philadelphia to Atlantic City. 0.99
01:28:57.600 That was fucking it. 0.98
01:28:57.860 It's not that far, is it? 1.00
01:28:58.700 That was really fucking it. 0.97
01:28:59.680 Really? 0.99
01:29:00.080 It took me five hours.
01:29:01.260 Oh, wow.
01:29:02.040 Dude, that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done
01:29:04.000 because I had partied the night before,
01:29:06.480 but I was at my biggest I'd ever been weight-wise,
01:29:08.840 so I rode it and it was just, I mean.
01:29:12.140 There's a lot of gunplay over there in Philly too.
01:29:15.040 Hour 25 and about, how many miles is it?
01:29:18.240 68.4.
01:29:19.300 68.4. 0.99
01:29:20.280 It was fucking. 1.00
01:29:21.940 Some sharp elevation. 1.00
01:29:22.640 Five hours and 22 minutes.
01:29:23.980 I did it much longer, by the way.
01:29:25.700 I think I did it in like five hours.
01:29:27.600 I almost probably did it in six hours.
01:29:29.080 Wow, congratulations, man.
01:29:30.180 That's amazing.
01:29:30.740 We're talking about swimming in the Catalina Channel,
01:29:32.860 me and my buddy.
01:29:33.580 You know Dave Williamson?
01:29:35.000 Comedian.
01:29:35.520 Oh, yeah.
01:29:36.080 I do know Dave Williamson, man.
01:29:37.220 Dave from Miami.
01:29:38.180 He tours with me,
01:29:39.020 and Dave wants to swim in the Catalina Channel.
01:29:41.360 Wow.
01:29:41.720 And I was like,
01:29:42.440 if you're going to train for it,
01:29:43.560 I might as well train for it and see if I can do it.
01:29:45.200 I'd rather swim with a guy 0.97
01:29:46.400 so if the shark goes after him.
01:29:48.620 Oh, yeah.
01:29:49.200 And if some people,
01:29:50.280 you always want to have that shark buddy,
01:29:51.880 like, yeah, let's get in, dude.
01:29:53.240 You know what I'm saying, bro?
01:29:54.180 Sure, sure, yeah.
01:29:54.900 Yeah. 0.91
01:29:55.340 Well, get a couple tattoos of meat on your legs
01:29:57.320 and then let's get in. 0.97
01:29:59.120 Get a packet of blood, 0.88
01:30:00.160 just squirt it on him. 0.99
01:30:01.160 Hey, he's right there.
01:30:01.800 He's right there.
01:30:02.560 I know who you're looking for.
01:30:03.480 This is your third or fourth special?
01:30:07.640 My fourth.
01:30:08.400 Wow.
01:30:09.040 Yeah, my fourth, and then...
01:30:10.980 What gets easier about them as you go along?
01:30:13.520 Really?
01:30:14.080 Yeah, it's actually gotten harder, I think,
01:30:16.160 because it's, like, 0.99
01:30:19.900 the comfortably dumb, 0.97
01:30:22.080 I just told all the jokes I had. 1.00
01:30:24.180 Right.
01:30:24.440 That was it.
01:30:24.860 I was, like, just told every joke I had.
01:30:26.140 Yeah, that's what I did in my first special.
01:30:26.820 Yeah.
01:30:27.860 The machine,
01:30:28.960 I had a good length of time between that,
01:30:31.040 like, probably,
01:30:31.540 I want to say, like,
01:30:32.160 eight years or something.
01:30:33.480 I don't know when I did the machine,
01:30:35.320 but, like, maybe seven years,
01:30:36.400 five years,
01:30:37.040 but I had some time,
01:30:37.980 and I had this machine story worked out,
01:30:39.620 and I knew that was the end.
01:30:40.800 I knew that was going to end it,
01:30:42.200 and I had these great stories.
01:30:43.080 I had these stories that were really working,
01:30:44.520 like fighting a bear,
01:30:45.880 jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray,
01:30:47.300 the machines.
01:30:47.860 All I needed to do was tether them together,
01:30:50.740 and, by the way,
01:30:51.740 there was no pressure.
01:30:52.400 It was showtime.
01:30:53.220 Everyone was like,
01:30:53.860 no one's going to watch it,
01:30:55.180 and no one did,
01:30:55.920 but that machine story went viral,
01:30:57.340 so then there was, like,
01:30:58.340 a little bit of an expectation
01:31:00.240 when I did my next one,
01:31:01.360 but not much,
01:31:01.960 because Netflix was like,
01:31:03.380 yeah, well,
01:31:04.000 we'll do a special with you.
01:31:05.280 They didn't say, like,
01:31:06.360 we want to do a special.
01:31:07.480 They were like,
01:31:07.860 we'll do a special with you,
01:31:09.580 so we did the Secret Time,
01:31:11.340 and the Secret Time
01:31:11.820 was the first ever successful thing
01:31:14.100 I ever did in my life
01:31:14.900 where I was like,
01:31:16.520 there was the,
01:31:17.080 actually, no lie,
01:31:18.320 that was the first successful thing 0.99
01:31:20.440 I ever did in my entire fucking career, 0.98
01:31:22.680 and, by the way, 0.99
01:31:23.360 I'd been in the business 20 years,
01:31:25.400 and that was the first thing I did
01:31:26.880 that anyone ever watched.
01:31:27.780 And what determined for you
01:31:28.560 that it was successful?
01:31:29.620 I was able to sell a tour.
01:31:30.740 I was able to sell.
01:31:31.840 Oh, I see.
01:31:32.340 I did Secret Time,
01:31:33.580 and then,
01:31:34.720 like, I mean,
01:31:35.300 when the machine went viral,
01:31:36.940 that sold out comedy clubs
01:31:38.380 for, like, two years.
01:31:40.020 Wow.
01:31:40.480 Two years straight,
01:31:41.180 three years,
01:31:41.640 I could do,
01:31:42.520 sell it all comedy clubs.
01:31:43.860 And then when I did Secret Time,
01:31:46.140 everyone, you know,
01:31:46.740 your team says,
01:31:47.480 all right,
01:31:47.680 we're going to make the leap
01:31:48.200 to theaters,
01:31:48.660 and you're like, 0.99
01:31:49.120 I don't really give a fuck. 0.98
01:31:50.380 The money at comedy clubs 0.98
01:31:51.400 is just fine,
01:31:52.680 and you've got to take a hit
01:31:53.980 unless you do really successful.
01:31:55.140 And when Secret Time came out,
01:31:56.740 I just didn't have the radar to like,
01:31:58.300 I didn't know that people watched it.
01:32:00.240 I didn't know that anyone liked it.
01:32:02.380 I didn't know that it was any good.
01:32:03.480 I didn't have any idea what I was doing.
01:32:06.300 I just did it.
01:32:07.380 These were the thoughts I had.
01:32:08.900 I had hung out with D'Elia.
01:32:10.200 D'Elia said no one watched
01:32:11.380 after 30 minutes is special.
01:32:13.200 So for Secret Time,
01:32:14.980 based on that simple conversation
01:32:16.620 I had with D'Elia,
01:32:17.340 I took all the best material
01:32:19.240 that I had that had been spread
01:32:20.660 throughout with a closer,
01:32:22.000 I moved the closer to 22 minutes,
01:32:23.600 and I took anything that popped
01:32:24.980 and I moved it up front. 0.93
01:32:26.320 I front-loaded the fuck out of that special. 0.92
01:32:29.160 And because I did, 0.95
01:32:30.020 people got to the closer
01:32:30.880 and were like, 1.00
01:32:31.300 well, fuck it. 1.00
01:32:31.640 I'll watch the rest of it. 1.00
01:32:33.020 And so that was probably
01:32:35.840 the easiest,
01:32:37.960 because I had no shame about it. 0.89
01:32:39.120 I didn't mind promoting the fuck out of it 0.50
01:32:40.480 because I didn't,
01:32:41.180 I was like,
01:32:41.620 I've been failing my whole life.
01:32:42.620 This is going to fail,
01:32:43.820 but I'm not going to let it fail.
01:32:44.800 I'm going to just swing.
01:32:45.940 Every attempt I get,
01:32:46.860 I'm going to swing for the fences
01:32:47.820 and try to get it to succeed.
01:32:49.320 And then it did,
01:32:49.960 and then this one was like,
01:32:51.920 like when you say,
01:32:53.500 this one was really stressful
01:32:54.460 because I was like,
01:32:57.620 I'm doing,
01:32:58.140 I'm trying some different stuff.
01:32:59.360 I'm doing the stuff that I do well,
01:33:01.340 like talk about my daughters,
01:33:02.640 talk about my wife, 1.00
01:33:03.300 talk about my family,
01:33:03.940 talk about being a bad dad,
01:33:05.020 about drinking.
01:33:05.760 We got an adventure story.
01:33:07.040 Like I do all the things,
01:33:08.260 but then I was like,
01:33:09.400 I would watch comics that I loved
01:33:12.280 do the exact same thing
01:33:14.800 that they had done
01:33:15.700 in the previous special,
01:33:17.040 meaning like it was almost like,
01:33:18.760 keep riding the same pony.
01:33:19.760 Same exact same horse.
01:33:21.240 It never changed.
01:33:22.000 It never changed.
01:33:22.600 And it bummed me out
01:33:23.480 because I was like,
01:33:24.560 in my head,
01:33:25.400 silently I'd go,
01:33:26.140 I thought you were better than that.
01:33:27.260 Like I thought,
01:33:27.840 I thought you were better than me
01:33:29.260 and I know I wouldn't do that. 0.99
01:33:30.800 And Burr was like fucking, 0.99
01:33:32.680 you know, 0.99
01:33:32.980 Burr and Rogan are two dudes
01:33:34.520 that have said,
01:33:35.860 throw away things to me 1.00
01:33:36.980 that I've hung my fucking hat on. 1.00
01:33:38.980 Wow. 1.00
01:33:39.440 Burr said one time,
01:33:41.020 if you're,
01:33:41.580 something to the effect,
01:33:42.300 if you're not challenging yourself,
01:33:44.300 then you're not getting better.
01:33:45.760 And if you're not getting better,
01:33:46.900 then why would anyone want to watch you?
01:33:48.320 So I legit challenged myself.
01:33:51.940 I said,
01:33:53.160 I said,
01:33:53.780 I talked to Stan Hope
01:33:55.500 and Stan Hope,
01:33:56.400 he was like,
01:33:57.960 he was drinking one morning
01:33:59.000 and I was like,
01:33:59.620 what are you doing?
01:33:59.960 He goes,
01:34:00.200 I'm writing knock-knock jokes.
01:34:01.840 And I went,
01:34:02.180 what?
01:34:02.980 He's like,
01:34:03.280 yeah, 0.80
01:34:03.380 I'm writing goofs, 0.92
01:34:04.000 man. 0.94
01:34:04.160 Like just goofs. 0.95
01:34:04.840 You know, 1.00
01:34:05.020 I'm fucking around. 0.98
01:34:05.560 I'm not writing material. 0.98
01:34:06.400 I'm just,
01:34:06.580 just,
01:34:07.260 you know,
01:34:07.420 working with my brain.
01:34:08.220 Just working his brain.
01:34:09.040 Yeah.
01:34:09.180 Getting the brain
01:34:09.760 to really do something.
01:34:11.460 And he's like,
01:34:11.760 we're as funny as those guys,
01:34:12.860 right?
01:34:13.000 We got to be as funny as those guys.
01:34:14.500 I was like,
01:34:15.700 yeah.
01:34:16.460 He's like,
01:34:16.860 there's no way they're funnier than we were.
01:34:18.600 We're,
01:34:18.760 we're funny.
01:34:19.740 So why can't we write knock-knock jokes?
01:34:21.460 I went,
01:34:21.620 yeah,
01:34:21.720 why not?
01:34:22.560 And then I started getting obsessed with Norm MacDonald.
01:34:24.440 He's a guy that could write a knock-knock joke.
01:34:26.180 Like he's a guy.
01:34:26.960 Yeah.
01:34:27.240 Who could take a standard structured joke and then,
01:34:29.760 and then make it.
01:34:30.720 Now me,
01:34:32.320 I'll speak,
01:34:32.840 I'll speak only for me,
01:34:33.620 but I think all of us,
01:34:34.680 me,
01:34:34.860 you,
01:34:35.020 Segura,
01:34:35.740 uh,
01:34:36.140 like our group of guys,
01:34:37.300 D'Elia,
01:34:38.100 Santino,
01:34:38.820 every,
01:34:39.140 all,
01:34:39.400 all of us,
01:34:40.660 we do what we do in our own way,
01:34:42.660 but it's not traditional standup.
01:34:44.860 Right.
01:34:45.360 And I'm not going to get,
01:34:46.580 I'm not going to go into that,
01:34:47.660 like go into like,
01:34:48.720 I'm going to do traditional standup.
01:34:50.440 I was like,
01:34:50.840 I got,
01:34:51.120 I would like to challenge myself to write a guy walks into a bar joke.
01:34:54.660 Yeah.
01:34:54.920 And so I did it and I think it's good.
01:34:56.640 And I think it's probably the best joke I've ever written,
01:34:58.260 but I don't think you'd know it's a guy walks into a bar joke until if I,
01:35:01.860 unless I told you and then you go, 1.00
01:35:03.820 Oh shit. 1.00
01:35:04.700 And so, 1.00
01:35:05.140 and like,
01:35:05.520 so I did,
01:35:06.300 I did that.
01:35:06.920 I tried to do this thing about this gun bit,
01:35:08.840 which I think is one of the better bits I've ever written.
01:35:11.180 I've seen that.
01:35:11.860 I've seen,
01:35:12.160 I believe that I've seen you.
01:35:13.060 I've seen you do that bit at the comedy store,
01:35:14.700 man.
01:35:14.800 I thought it was so good.
01:35:16.120 Yeah.
01:35:16.300 And so I just try to challenge myself.
01:35:18.180 And if I succeeded,
01:35:19.200 then great.
01:35:19.880 But if I didn't,
01:35:21.100 then if I didn't,
01:35:22.180 you still got the stuff you love,
01:35:23.160 but I did.
01:35:23.920 And I think these,
01:35:26.640 exactly what you said about your special.
01:35:28.460 That's how I feel right now. 0.99
01:35:29.660 So I'm super proud of this fucking thing, 0.99
01:35:31.040 but like, 0.99
01:35:31.800 you don't know.
01:35:32.680 Yeah.
01:35:33.020 I don't want to be like some guy that's like,
01:35:35.180 and who would I be if I,
01:35:36.300 yeah,
01:35:36.640 I think there's a,
01:35:37.320 there's definitely a thing of learning to be proud of things.
01:35:39.480 And then there's also a thing of constantly,
01:35:42.360 okay,
01:35:43.400 how do I,
01:35:44.920 how am I going to challenge myself again?
01:35:46.660 Where am I going to move the bar?
01:35:48.040 Am I going to stay in this safe?
01:35:49.440 Take a look at where you've challenged yourself.
01:35:51.840 Like I heard a joke that you threw away the other day.
01:35:55.160 And I thought old Theo.
01:35:57.900 So I,
01:35:58.180 someone was telling me this joke.
01:35:59.180 They go,
01:35:59.440 it was a throwaway.
01:36:00.200 I brought it up to you and he was like,
01:36:01.180 Oh yeah,
01:36:01.480 whatever.
01:36:02.360 And I thought old Theo would have hung his hat on that joke.
01:36:04.840 And that would have been in his act.
01:36:05.680 And that would have been,
01:36:06.300 he would have sat every night on stage where you are today, 0.94
01:36:08.460 because you've challenged yourself and taken fucking big strides. 0.99
01:36:11.420 Now you're fucking where you're at in standups next fucking level, 0.99
01:36:14.800 but you got it. 0.99
01:36:15.700 We always challenged ourselves when we were younger.
01:36:18.220 Yeah.
01:36:18.320 Always think about it.
01:36:19.320 If you stayed where you were at an open micro and you were like,
01:36:21.660 I'm getting laughs.
01:36:22.400 That's what I'll do.
01:36:23.080 We,
01:36:23.520 and we know those guys.
01:36:24.520 Yeah.
01:36:25.040 Then,
01:36:25.320 then they stayed here the whole time.
01:36:27.260 But instead some guys,
01:36:29.320 you get those laughs and open mics.
01:36:31.260 You're like,
01:36:31.480 I'm actually better than those cheap laughs.
01:36:33.440 I got this.
01:36:34.240 Yeah.
01:36:34.340 The cheap laughs scare me now.
01:36:35.740 Cause sometimes I want to tell a joke.
01:36:36.920 I don't know something new to do.
01:36:38.460 Yeah.
01:36:38.940 And I haven't been on,
01:36:39.580 I haven't been on stage that much,
01:36:40.320 but I want to do something new.
01:36:41.460 And I'll be like,
01:36:42.160 man,
01:36:42.760 there's a couple of cheap jokes that I really liked that.
01:36:44.840 Yeah.
01:36:45.120 Five,
01:36:45.660 eight years ago I'd have been like,
01:36:46.880 Oh,
01:36:47.160 definitely.
01:36:48.100 But now I'm like,
01:36:49.440 I just can't do that.
01:36:50.800 It's not going to make me feel good.
01:36:53.080 If we worked together in,
01:36:54.140 in San Francisco and you sat down and you told a,
01:36:58.600 like a solid eight minute story about that Mexican man that went to school
01:37:02.540 with you.
01:37:03.080 Oh yeah.
01:37:03.860 I'm on the floor. 0.99
01:37:05.540 You would have never had the balls to do that in what was like 800 people. 0.96
01:37:10.160 You would never have the balls to do that when you first started, 0.96
01:37:13.140 but you challenged yourself and challenged yourself. 0.97
01:37:15.560 And I think we have to keep doing that as comics.
01:37:18.460 When we do specials,
01:37:19.620 we can't just go,
01:37:21.080 well,
01:37:21.380 secret time worked.
01:37:22.160 Let me just do a carbon copy of that.
01:37:24.440 Change out the punch lines,
01:37:25.800 but same structure.
01:37:26.980 That structure works.
01:37:28.160 Yeah.
01:37:28.480 Why wouldn't I do that again?
01:37:29.440 Well,
01:37:29.680 I think it's,
01:37:30.620 I think it's,
01:37:31.320 you know,
01:37:31.460 and I might be thinking way too much about it.
01:37:33.060 I know that probably guys like Rogan will probably be like,
01:37:35.620 dude,
01:37:35.740 just be funny.
01:37:36.720 Burr would,
01:37:37.160 Burr would,
01:37:37.760 Burr would,
01:37:38.340 and even after all Burr's advice,
01:37:39.800 he'd be like,
01:37:40.640 bro,
01:37:40.920 just be funny.
01:37:41.640 Remember,
01:37:41.860 that's like the rule.
01:37:42.800 Yeah.
01:37:43.080 You don't have to be, 0.99
01:37:44.020 you don't have to fucking sit here like a workout class. 0.99
01:37:45.840 We don't have to save the world. 0.99
01:37:47.220 We don't have to,
01:37:47.540 yeah.
01:37:47.680 Just make me laugh.
01:37:48.560 We just have to be funny.
01:37:49.220 Yeah.
01:37:49.540 But also at a certain point,
01:37:50.640 you have to make yourself laugh too.
01:37:52.200 Yeah,
01:37:52.520 you have to,
01:37:53.280 or you're just not going to care about it.
01:37:54.880 You're just not going to be,
01:37:56.420 unless you're a joke writer,
01:37:57.960 if you're a storyteller,
01:37:58.980 then I think it's different.
01:38:00.100 I think we're storytellers,
01:38:01.060 and I think we take people places.
01:38:04.180 Yeah,
01:38:04.420 it's a little different.
01:38:04.500 And if you want to be a good storyteller,
01:38:06.420 you got to like,
01:38:07.800 you got to figure out new ways to,
01:38:09.240 I mean,
01:38:09.420 the way you're telling stories now,
01:38:10.580 man,
01:38:10.840 no one's doing it like you.
01:38:13.040 Thanks,
01:38:13.480 man.
01:38:13.680 It's the truth,
01:38:14.420 and everyone talks about it. 0.99
01:38:15.820 Fucking everyone talks about it. 0.99
01:38:17.680 But you didn't just show up with that. 0.99
01:38:20.760 You had to work there.
01:38:21.720 Right.
01:38:22.180 And so why would you ignore that?
01:38:24.120 Why would you go,
01:38:24.720 okay,
01:38:24.880 I'm here.
01:38:25.340 I'm done.
01:38:26.100 I'll just do this for the rest.
01:38:27.260 I'll do this exact same thing for the rest of my life.
01:38:28.960 But do you ever think like,
01:38:29.680 oh,
01:38:29.860 am I going to be stuck?
01:38:31.340 Do you ever think though,
01:38:32.140 that I'm going to be stuck here?
01:38:33.920 Yeah.
01:38:34.100 Like I'm just going to be able to do this?
01:38:35.520 Or do you think like,
01:38:36.920 oh,
01:38:37.160 okay,
01:38:37.400 I will continue to evolve.
01:38:38.920 Do you ever just wonder for yourself,
01:38:40.480 like,
01:38:40.600 will I continue to evolve?
01:38:41.660 I think everybody kind of wonders that like,
01:38:43.600 I would,
01:38:43.900 like,
01:38:44.340 is the gas tank going to run out?
01:38:45.960 You know,
01:38:46.600 I feel like that.
01:38:47.560 Yeah.
01:38:47.880 Well,
01:38:48.280 cause you know,
01:38:48.660 I get in my own way.
01:38:49.540 It's like,
01:38:50.380 cause I did travel channel for so long.
01:38:51.780 And then when I got out of travel channel,
01:38:53.640 I was like,
01:38:55.140 I was,
01:38:55.480 I found success in podcasting and standup.
01:38:57.580 And that was it.
01:38:58.280 And I went, 1.00
01:38:58.920 fuck it. 1.00
01:38:59.240 I'm done. 1.00
01:38:59.960 And I literally turned a middle finger to everyone in Hollywood.
01:39:03.080 And they'd be like,
01:39:03.960 Hey,
01:39:04.040 we want you to do this.
01:39:04.660 I would pass.
01:39:05.700 I want you to do this.
01:39:06.380 Pass.
01:39:06.800 And then everyone came at me with a project and I passed on everything.
01:39:10.160 And then one day I went,
01:39:12.060 I like,
01:39:12.560 I like,
01:39:13.140 I remember someone got like a movie.
01:39:15.520 I mean,
01:39:16.000 Tom did a movie maybe or something.
01:39:17.780 I only say Tom cause I talk to him so much,
01:39:19.220 but like Tom did a movie with Marky Mark.
01:39:21.600 And I was like,
01:39:22.180 why would you do that?
01:39:23.060 And he was like,
01:39:23.460 well,
01:39:23.660 you gotta,
01:39:24.380 you gotta try new stuff.
01:39:26.780 And I was like,
01:39:27.560 what do you mean trying to like, 0.98
01:39:28.720 it's who the fuck wants to be a movie with Mark Wahlberg? 0.97
01:39:31.000 And he was like, 0.98
01:39:32.240 it's a life experience. 1.00
01:39:33.780 Don't you want to try shit? 1.00
01:39:35.240 And then I was like, 1.00
01:39:36.520 oh yeah,
01:39:36.840 maybe I should,
01:39:37.780 maybe I should also,
01:39:38.960 maybe I have time to also do other stuff.
01:39:41.240 And then I was like,
01:39:42.140 okay,
01:39:43.180 like I'll do,
01:39:44.100 let's do a series.
01:39:44.840 And so we did a,
01:39:45.880 we did a series with Netflix.
01:39:47.840 And then I was like,
01:39:49.020 I was like,
01:39:49.340 oh,
01:39:49.500 maybe we can do a sitcom.
01:39:50.580 I wouldn't mind doing a sitcom.
01:39:51.620 And then I started going like,
01:39:52.820 Hey,
01:39:52.920 I'm cool with doing a movie also.
01:39:54.100 Like I'm not,
01:39:55.260 I can,
01:39:55.880 I can be in this lane and then do other stuff around.
01:39:58.660 I got in this mindset where I look at,
01:40:00.080 you look at Rogan, 0.99
01:40:00.880 who's our fucking, 0.99
01:40:01.960 who he's our Messiah, 1.00
01:40:03.500 man.
01:40:03.700 And I don't mean that like in a,
01:40:04.800 in a,
01:40:05.000 but like he's our guy,
01:40:06.700 like,
01:40:06.960 right.
01:40:07.060 He's a template.
01:40:07.820 He's a template.
01:40:08.380 And he's put us all over and gave us all amazing opportunities.
01:40:11.280 And every single one of us acknowledge it,
01:40:13.140 but in acknowledging it,
01:40:14.300 you also see that path that he carved through stone for himself.
01:40:18.520 And you realize,
01:40:20.020 man,
01:40:20.160 if I stay in that path,
01:40:21.100 I got a great life.
01:40:21.940 Like I can just do podcasts,
01:40:23.640 just do standup,
01:40:24.740 do spots of the story,
01:40:25.720 the improv,
01:40:26.180 the ice house, 1.00
01:40:26.680 and fucking there is room to grow. 1.00
01:40:30.520 But you also got to go, 0.99
01:40:32.020 Hey man,
01:40:32.360 I'm also not Joe.
01:40:33.180 I'm not the best listener.
01:40:34.720 Like,
01:40:34.940 yeah,
01:40:35.260 I'm not the best interviewer.
01:40:36.960 I'm,
01:40:37.500 I don't know what I'm,
01:40:38.880 my,
01:40:39.140 they're not,
01:40:39.720 I have no discipline.
01:40:40.820 Not as smart.
01:40:41.540 I'm not as smart.
01:40:42.340 Like,
01:40:42.600 so like,
01:40:43.260 so like maybe I should also try the things that I'm also really good at.
01:40:46.620 And I'm saying that for myself.
01:40:47.560 Yeah.
01:40:47.780 Myself too.
01:40:48.420 I'm thinking of myself.
01:40:48.860 Yeah.
01:40:49.040 Oh, 0.99
01:40:49.300 I'm the fucking, 1.00
01:40:50.200 I'm a window licking ninny. 1.00
01:40:51.800 Like I'm definitely not saying that you're not as smart, 0.98
01:40:54.260 but yeah,
01:40:54.940 we're not as smart.
01:40:55.800 I'm not Joe Rogan.
01:40:57.200 I'll tell you that,
01:40:57.720 man.
01:40:57.860 I'm,
01:40:58.080 I found that out many times the hard way.
01:40:59.900 Yeah.
01:41:00.240 I'm slow Rogan.
01:41:01.260 I think I'm Mo Rogan.
01:41:03.740 One of the three Rogans.
01:41:05.380 There's Larry,
01:41:06.700 something in Mo.
01:41:09.500 Slow and Mo.
01:41:11.160 That's funny.
01:41:12.360 Dude.
01:41:12.560 Well,
01:41:12.660 I can't wait to see it,
01:41:13.580 man.
01:41:13.760 I haven't watched it yet,
01:41:14.540 but I'm looking forward to it.
01:41:15.740 Appreciate it.
01:41:16.300 The last special I watched was Jim Gaffigan's and I really,
01:41:18.540 really loved it.
01:41:19.000 The one that we did on Amazon,
01:41:20.120 I thought was really good.
01:41:21.240 I love,
01:41:22.500 dude.
01:41:22.660 I love Gaffigan's one of the guys.
01:41:24.000 He's so funny.
01:41:24.700 He's one of the greats,
01:41:25.460 man.
01:41:25.800 Yeah.
01:41:26.240 But he really is.
01:41:27.220 You want to talk about growth?
01:41:28.380 He was not who he is today when he started.
01:41:31.100 Some of my favorite jokes of his were dirty jokes.
01:41:33.620 Like,
01:41:33.720 you ever go to,
01:41:35.420 you ever go back to high school and all the kids want to call you the
01:41:38.540 nickname they called you in high school,
01:41:39.820 but you grew out of it.
01:41:40.840 And you're like,
01:41:41.140 Hey guys,
01:41:42.100 not anymore.
01:41:42.720 And they're like,
01:41:43.060 well, 0.99
01:41:43.460 if it is an old sheep fucker, 1.00
01:41:45.160 he goes, 0.99
01:41:46.520 one of my favorite Jim Gaffigan jokes.
01:41:47.900 He goes,
01:41:48.600 Hey,
01:41:48.980 uh,
01:41:49.320 ladies, 1.00
01:41:49.840 you ever go to the park on a Sunday and see that guy walking around with
01:41:55.160 his shirt off with a snake around his neck and go,
01:41:57.500 man, 1.00
01:41:57.980 I want to have sex with that guy. 1.00
01:42:00.040 And they're like, 1.00
01:42:00.640 no.
01:42:01.160 And he goes,
01:42:01.620 Oh,
01:42:02.400 Hey fellas,
01:42:03.200 anyone want to buy a snake? 0.99
01:42:04.960 Jim Gaffigan is the funniest fucking guy alive. 0.99
01:42:13.540 He's so funny. 1.00
01:42:14.680 He's so fucking funny. 0.79
01:42:16.260 And he's worked. 0.96
01:42:16.800 So he's been touring for what?
01:42:18.020 15 years.
01:42:19.040 Oh,
01:42:19.180 he's been dude.
01:42:20.660 He's been torn.
01:42:21.480 He just quit to do movies.
01:42:22.440 I watched his most recent movies.
01:42:23.820 He's been doing movies.
01:42:24.380 He's been doing movies the whole time.
01:42:25.660 Did you see the one where he killed the baby?
01:42:27.540 Uh,
01:42:27.880 no,
01:42:28.120 I didn't see that one.
01:42:28.600 I saw the one where he's the Uber driver though.
01:42:30.140 And that's where he killed the baby.
01:42:31.420 Oh,
01:42:31.560 I didn't notice the baby part.
01:42:32.780 Is that a big part of it?
01:42:33.520 The big part of the movie.
01:42:34.240 The baby dying.
01:42:35.640 That's how he gets where he is.
01:42:37.640 It's good,
01:42:38.420 man.
01:42:39.120 I watched the whole thing.
01:42:40.540 I gotta watch that.
01:42:42.160 Uber baby.
01:42:42.840 And he put some trash away quickly and cried.
01:42:45.240 Oh,
01:42:45.720 it was good.
01:42:46.340 It was a great man.
01:42:47.300 He was in super troopers.
01:42:48.940 Was he?
01:42:49.280 Yeah.
01:42:49.600 They talk about it.
01:42:50.340 They said he flew in on a private jet,
01:42:52.340 came in,
01:42:52.980 shot a scene,
01:42:54.280 walked off.
01:42:54.720 It was super cool.
01:42:55.900 Walked off,
01:42:56.400 got in a private jet,
01:42:57.160 went back.
01:42:57.600 And they were like,
01:42:58.520 thank you.
01:42:59.620 Yeah. 0.99
01:43:00.520 Damn. 1.00
01:43:01.100 Dude. 1.00
01:43:01.440 Hey,
01:43:01.800 I gotta be honest with you,
01:43:02.660 man.
01:43:02.960 In this podcast,
01:43:04.520 as a fan of yours since day one,
01:43:05.980 you know I've been a day one fan.
01:43:07.320 Yeah. 0.99
01:43:07.500 I fucking love watching you blow up, 0.99
01:43:09.320 man. 1.00
01:43:09.560 Oh,
01:43:09.740 thanks,
01:43:10.140 man. 0.51
01:43:10.300 It's so fucking fun. 0.99
01:43:11.080 It's so fucking fun. 0.99
01:43:12.480 You make me giggle so hard. 0.99
01:43:13.920 I was telling you,
01:43:14.580 you and that Tommy, 1.00
01:43:15.620 Lauren and fucking interview. 1.00
01:43:17.380 Oh, 1.00
01:43:17.660 yeah.
01:43:17.720 I watched you and TJ.
01:43:18.560 I love your podcast.
01:43:20.360 You're killing it,
01:43:21.060 bro. 1.00
01:43:21.240 You're killing it. 1.00
01:43:22.360 Well,
01:43:22.560 thanks for just being so supportive,
01:43:24.340 man.
01:43:24.460 And thanks for just,
01:43:25.160 yeah,
01:43:25.340 like being supportive over the years and being like,
01:43:27.280 you know,
01:43:27.700 just kind of a leader in this whole industry.
01:43:29.120 I mean,
01:43:29.220 you do the same thing,
01:43:30.040 you know,
01:43:30.180 you work really hard and I mean,
01:43:32.180 you're one of the guys too that I,
01:43:33.280 that I think a lot of people think about like,
01:43:34.760 oh,
01:43:34.840 this guy works so hard,
01:43:36.080 you know?
01:43:36.620 No,
01:43:36.880 I think we're all put,
01:43:38.500 I think this will be the,
01:43:39.800 the next few weeks will be the test of like,
01:43:41.820 let's see who can work the hardest.
01:43:42.860 Cause I know we gotta,
01:43:44.320 we gotta produce something.
01:43:45.420 We're all doubling down on podcast, 1.00
01:43:47.180 maybe write a script or fucking shoot some shit. 1.00
01:43:49.540 Who knows? 1.00
01:43:50.140 I would be great if all of us did a project together.
01:43:52.300 It seems like if we wrote something and just funded something ourselves,
01:43:54.960 I think people would dig it.
01:43:56.280 I would love like a big,
01:43:58.620 like almost like DC cab.
01:44:00.600 Yeah.
01:44:00.900 Remember DC cab?
01:44:01.720 I don't remember it at all.
01:44:05.800 It was great.
01:44:06.700 Charlie Barnett was in it.
01:44:07.740 Mr.
01:44:08.020 T was in it.
01:44:08.580 Bill Maher was in it.
01:44:09.840 Oh, 0.98
01:44:10.280 so fucking great. 0.99
01:44:11.340 It was about a cab company. 0.99
01:44:12.800 Uh,
01:44:13.060 I see something.
01:44:13.840 That'd be great.
01:44:14.300 I thought of like a wrestling league,
01:44:15.960 like it's sputtering out and that's like the last legs of it.
01:44:19.100 The last few wrestlers are us.
01:44:20.460 The last few wrestlers are us.
01:44:22.280 And it's just the dying last couple of fights.
01:44:24.500 We get a wig for Rogan and he's got long stringy balding hair.
01:44:28.160 Oh,
01:44:28.360 that would be great.
01:44:28.960 I like that.
01:44:29.820 Joey Diaz is a manager.
01:44:30.940 Yeah,
01:44:31.380 it's tremendous. 1.00
01:44:33.200 You cocksucker. 1.00
01:44:34.760 Just some shit wrestling league. 1.00
01:44:36.580 We're all just beating Bobby Lee. 1.00
01:44:38.400 Oh,
01:44:39.000 that's not a bad script.
01:44:40.600 Oh,
01:44:41.360 he's so good.
01:44:42.280 Hey,
01:44:42.440 if anyone heard that,
01:44:43.160 let's make that movie.
01:44:44.180 Yeah.
01:44:44.500 Somebody who wants to fund.
01:44:45.560 Yeah.
01:44:45.940 Somebody want to come in with a $2 million budget,
01:44:47.660 man.
01:44:47.800 We can get that thing made.
01:44:49.280 Yeah.
01:44:49.980 Well,
01:44:50.200 maybe not made totally because we can't be around each other in groups of 10,
01:44:53.820 but what if we did a movie where people all have to be six feet away from each other during the shooting of it?
01:44:59.340 Ooh,
01:44:59.740 we'll call it ski school.
01:45:02.620 We'll all be in skis.
01:45:04.120 Okay,
01:45:08.480 dude,
01:45:08.900 I think,
01:45:09.500 uh,
01:45:09.880 I think,
01:45:11.140 I think we're out of ideas,
01:45:13.720 dude.
01:45:15.260 I love you too,
01:45:16.680 man.
01:45:16.920 Congrats on the new special.
01:45:18.160 Thank you.
01:45:18.520 And,
01:45:18.840 uh,
01:45:19.000 congrats on all your effort and work.
01:45:20.400 And thanks for being here today.
01:45:21.480 Thank you.
01:45:22.100 Yeah,
01:45:22.280 man.
01:45:22.460 Now I'm just floating on the breeze,
01:45:25.540 and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
01:45:28.480 I must be cornerstone.
01:45:31.640 Oh,
01:45:32.360 but when I reach that ground,
01:45:36.360 I'll share this peace of mind.
01:45:38.520 I found I can feel it in my bones,
01:45:42.680 but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.
01:45:54.980 shine that light on me.
01:46:01.360 I'll sit and tell you my stories.
01:46:06.640 Shine on me.
01:46:09.640 And I will find a song.
01:46:14.140 I will sing it just for you.
01:46:21.300 And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my hands.
01:46:28.300 Relax.
01:46:43.960 Bye.
01:46:53.960 Bye.
01:46:54.200 Bye.
01:46:55.460 Bye.
01:46:55.920 Bye.
01:46:56.240 Bye.
01:46:57.460 Bye.