This Past Weekend with Theo Von - China in a Nutshell

00:00:00.000 all right check check there we go we're riding we're riding we're riding oh man sometimes

00:00:11.660 sometimes life is such an undertaking isn't it you know you have those moments you'd be cruising

00:00:16.580 you know when your life feels good and you're you're just wearing your life around your neck

00:00:21.340 like a you know just like a fox like a fox fur and somebody's like damn is that a fox around

00:00:29.260 your neck and you're like nah that's my life you know i've got my life so tamed that it just hangs

00:00:34.980 around my neck like a fox and then sometimes dude your life is just a fucking fraggle you know even

00:00:43.680 in just in an instant man you can get just so just you know you can get keyed up irrational

00:00:49.880 fired up frazzled fraggled you can get that fraggle going i'm here in shanghai man this is

00:00:58.920 fraggle central i mean this place you if i don't imagine everything everything pick something

00:01:06.740 okay that and then a million other things and all of a sudden everything happens at one time at one

00:01:14.040 time it's like the big bang but it's all over and that's what's happening here in shanghai china

00:01:22.140 but you gotta seize it you just gotta what how however it's coming in i have to seize it you know

00:01:29.380 i have to take it you know it's life you know i have to take it i just have to take it exactly as it

00:01:35.720 as it comes i can't i can't adjust how it comes i i can only adjust how it's received you know

00:01:43.080 c'est la guerre baby and that means uh that's french for um so is c'est la vie is life so is life

00:01:51.460 oh c'est la guerre is so is war um i don't know fuck the french bruh you know what i'm saying i mean

00:01:58.600 not a hundred percent really fuck them but also you know nobody really likes them but uh let's go onward

00:02:06.540 i ain't seen home in about a hundred days i can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul

00:02:27.700 and i ain't made a dollar i ain't spent but when it's going ain't killed me yet i still get where

00:02:37.060 i'm down to go however it comes

00:02:41.080 i'm making it i'm making wrong feel right you gotta make wrong feel right

00:02:52.100 i'm making it oh yeah and if hell's where i'm headed down i'm making good times

00:03:01.460 and most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me

00:03:22.020 broken on the ground that's how it's coming if this bottle was an hourglass i'd say that i'm about an

00:03:31.380 an hour past the minute i should have put it down

00:03:37.380 i'm on now

00:03:40.740 but i'm making it i'm making it i'm making more feel right

00:03:47.380 yeah i'm making it and if hell's where i'm headed there

00:03:53.780 i'm making good times

00:03:56.580 making good times

00:03:59.620 man and that's it right there i'm making it that's what i'm doing tonight um here and right now whenever

00:04:08.180 this is and i'm coming to you from shanghai

00:04:11.220 china baby think about it china china

00:04:16.260 where fish they have you know where a lot of fish hang out

00:04:21.060 and people catch them you know i got i got into china

00:04:25.060 and uh and i came here to do some shows and i get into shanghai it's night time

00:04:29.780 and shanghai imagine you're in a pinball machine and

00:04:35.940 there are like 24 million balls in there

00:04:42.100 and you are exhausted and you want to find something to eat

00:04:46.500 got in started walking around i couldn't even there was too much going on there's like

00:04:51.620 there's they have you know older people that look young and young you know they had a baby that

00:04:57.060 looked about i mean this baby might have been 86 this might have been an 86 year old baby dude and

00:05:02.580 he was carrying a bunch of hay on his back and they have you know people are on rickshaws people

00:05:06.900 are on horseback people are on each other's backs you know one guy gave another guy a couple dollars

00:05:12.660 and he was riding him who fucking knows i guess however far the guy could carry him

00:05:17.860 you know that's uh i've heard of uber this is like uber like hey here's a dollar you

00:05:23.540 burr you know let's go this is where i'm going

00:05:27.620 fucking giddy up um it's just it's magical here it's everything imagine everything imagine

00:05:35.700 everything you've ever known and now imagine it's right here it's china baby anything can happen

00:05:43.060 someone's and there's so many people like uh somebody will sneeze and seven people will fall

00:05:49.380 out of their mouth you're like holy shit people are traveling via uh sneeze now you know gesund family

00:05:59.220 it's just like that so many people so much going on and we're staying right here like in times

00:06:04.420 square i'm basically staying on this place it's called nanjing road and it's basically like in the

00:06:10.740 it's yeah it's like the times square of new york so it's definitely like a touristy area to stay in

00:06:15.620 but man just so and they try to say they have everything you ever wanted to buy even

00:06:21.540 shit that doesn't exist you know you could get a you could get a baby diaper that sorts coins like

00:06:28.100 oh that baby just took a shit did he yeah uh but it's about 1100 nickels worth you know it's like you

00:06:36.020 could get um you could get a uh you could get mittens for a cat you know what i'm saying what's he

00:06:44.500 going to do with that except probably just feel trapped really you know trapped you know feel

00:06:49.460 like he's in four little bitty traps i mean anything you want here they got it it's shanghai baby

00:06:56.420 it's absolutely shanghai they have every they could they have you can they have you can get soap that

00:07:03.140 will predict the future imagine that you got a bar of soap you shine it up next thing you know

00:07:07.780 fucking but out boy you got that crystal ball action in your dome and you see yourself maybe getting

00:07:13.460 a job as a wedding planner or event planner and you never knew it before and all you did was crack in

00:07:20.100 to a bar of uh of suddy suds anything's happened they got it all all man we took a train um took a train

00:07:30.980 over to a place called shaman shal shalman and and the train is nice when you're going through the

00:07:40.420 countryside and you see i can't even they got all so many buildings all look exactly the same

00:07:50.180 a lot of buildings there's not there's no windows in them there's no people there's nothing and

00:07:56.980 apparently like when you buy a building here you can buy you buy the building that's it you buy like

00:08:02.580 the walls everything else you put in and when you leave you can take it all with you i'm talking

00:08:10.100 everything um and you just see i mean thousands of buildings like that just sitting off into the

00:08:17.300 countryside um no wasted space near shanghai there's not an inch of wasted space

00:08:24.020 i mean if you know like uh every you know you'll have a gymnasium then you'll have a garden then you'll

00:08:31.460 have a cemetery i actually didn't see any cemeteries so they must do cremation do they

00:08:37.540 bro you're dead you're not fucking getting you're not getting 12 square feet you're out of your mind

00:08:46.340 but it's just it's amazing um yeah the train ride was beautiful i even wrote some notes man just

00:08:50.740 because there's been so much going on um and there's everything outside there's everything

00:08:56.660 there's like there's uh you know they got fancy businessmen come here you know and they have they

00:09:02.820 have sex tourism sex tourists people come here looking for sex and doing exotic sex

00:09:08.340 you know and the kind of stuff where you know i'm talking circus of sex you know i'm saying you'll

00:09:13.380 somebody will you know trapeze off the side of a building just land on your dick or land up in your

00:09:18.260 crotch you know i'm saying you can have a dude you know back flip off of a fucking uh you know you

00:09:24.820 can have you can pay a dude 40 dollars back flip out of a tree house and land in your ass it's that

00:09:31.220 kind of thing it's just sheer magic and and they have everything you want they have uh flavor they

00:09:38.340 have edible socks dude you know i'm saying so you wear your socks all day next thing you know you break

00:09:43.940 them bitches off throw them in the skillet today that's fucking foot bacon baby cut two slices of

00:09:49.940 that and you're in bed and you're ready for the next day nothing goes unused here man i realize how

00:09:57.140 wasteful i am dude i saw a man pick his nose okay and then feed it to a cat and that is

00:10:08.020 that is china in a nutshell for me that's china man gets in there get in there and gets out a clean

00:10:17.780 little freaking you know that baby body orb you know that little bugua and then

00:10:26.260 gave that bitch to a cat nothing is off limits in china you know i'm saying that's a fucking that

00:10:33.460 dude pulled a little baby salisbury fucking steak out of his nostril and just fed it to a cat that's

00:10:39.620 i mean that's damn that's that cat caviar when you dropping boog boogs into a feline

00:10:45.540 and that's china and i'm not saying that to to denounce china or to or to shame shame i'm saying

00:10:52.020 that it's just everything is of use there is no waste here you see somebody spit out of a window you

00:10:59.460 see a thirsty person just catch it in their mouth it's like that it's teamwork to to the it's and

00:11:06.980 it's it's really teamwork it's teamwork to the end everything is used you know everything is used man

00:11:15.540 it's um it's remarkable and the people man i can't tell if the people are rude or friendly or shy

00:11:25.380 or confused or they just don't care you know i notice as an american sometimes we go places and uh

00:11:34.580 i'm having some water um i notice as americans we go places and we're so like like it's not really

00:11:43.140 about you know you know we're just so worried about ourselves that if someone doesn't interact

00:11:50.340 if someone doesn't interact with us it seems like oh is you know is something wrong with me do they not

00:11:54.980 like me i think in china they don't even think about us they don't care you know they don't not care

00:12:02.100 but it's just they're living their lives man they're just cruising you know i definitely it's

00:12:10.660 what is it it's just baffling you know it's baffling dude but they have everything here man

00:12:18.260 they got a hat that can spell check imagine that dude imagine having a fucking hat on not being able

00:12:24.820 to spell but dow today oh motherfucker now you are john irving now you are anyone you want to be

00:12:34.180 michael crichton shell silverston you know i'm saying the giving tree bitch i got fucking vowels on my

00:12:40.340 head i got constant it's dripping off the back of my neck you got a hat that can spell check they

00:12:47.460 have imagine every product that's ever been you know we get products in america that are made you

00:12:53.220 know and it's finished it's a finalized product and it's all attached and all the advertising

00:12:58.500 dude they got shit here they got a scarf that'll kill your cousin

00:13:03.060 imagine that you got that nasty cousin because everybody got that nasty cousin you know the kind

00:13:12.340 of cousin that'll pick his nose show it to a cat but then yeah have it for himself

00:13:19.300 you know i'm saying he'll just bug up his own throat but uh now they got a secret scarf and you give

00:13:26.900 them that thing you know for christmas or for hanukkah or for you know uh botswanaka or whatever

00:13:32.900 uh kwanzaa sorry you know you give him that hitter you give him that fucking neck piece and he's

00:13:40.260 wearing it for two three weeks you know he's at the bar he's fucking you know doing whatever nasty

00:13:46.100 cousins do if you got a nasty cousin you know what i'm saying he's probably doing crazy shit like

00:13:52.980 you know um painting is you know maybe putting like uh you know um what would a nasty cousin do

00:14:01.140 probably painting uh racial slurs on his legs and stuff and even him having pants on but even just

00:14:07.380 knowing that under his pants he's got all these these racial slurs under on his legs and

00:14:13.060 what would a nasty cousin do you know probably you know when when a parent gives their baby the bottle

00:14:19.860 and the baby's enjoying the bottle in the other room the nasty cousins sneak in and have a

00:14:24.420 you know have about maybe three ounces of that milk and the baby's only got six ounces and they got

00:14:30.180 this nasty cousin in there fucking swigging down 50 of that leche come out so now you give him that

00:14:38.740 you give him that scarf and he thinks it's you know he thinks it's just a unique scarf you know he

00:14:43.620 thinks it's that fucking just tinsel for your neck it's that it's that that year-long tinsel you know

00:14:51.220 it's that year-long tinsel for your fucking neck but then put out suddenly he's taking a walk and you

00:14:56.420 got a button at home that one button you press it and that scarf just chokes a motherfucker out

00:15:02.980 and that's the kind of shit they have here in china man they got everything you know they got everything

00:15:08.740 and and i'm just trying to feel like how they communicate they don't it seemed to me and look

00:15:15.780 this is all my perception and my you know and i don't have 20 20 perception i got about maybe 17 20.

00:15:23.220 so but they don't it seemed like they don't communicate much between each other like in

00:15:27.940 america we're always we're like you know we're always coming we're always you know uh it seems like

00:15:32.500 there's more communication between us than there is here here it's just this kind of group thing that

00:15:37.860 happens um there's a line there's a line for everything there's a line where you you're you

00:15:43.540 are in line basically in china you get in line and then you stay in line your whole life and then you

00:15:50.100 die and that's just how it is you know and even when you die there's like a line to get into heaven

00:15:55.300 like you know somebody could die sun ling you know your boy sun ling could die here you know get get

00:16:02.260 bit by by a venomous snake and uh and next thing you know he dies but then he comes back to life

00:16:09.940 you know four hours later because the line to get into heaven was too long you know reincarnation's

00:16:14.740 backed up yeah it's bottlenecking over there over at the you know in the reincarnation portal it's

00:16:21.380 bumper to bumper you know the the cops are doing breathalyzers over there so it's just uh what else is it

00:16:29.460 like here the food i mean because that's something that we think about is very man they had a dude on

00:16:40.100 the train so i'm on the train and you know we're over there and we're riding and this dude opened up a

00:16:49.620 sack of straight up cat i mean this had to be cat look here it smelled like cat piss like somebody

00:16:59.860 had taken you know made sticks out of cat piss them cp stackers bro you know it seemed like it seemed

00:17:07.380 like somebody had found a way to um make a just a long you know just a long face hitter out of some

00:17:15.220 straight cat piss you know a little bit of that feline juice juice and uh and this man i've never

00:17:25.220 smelled anything so bad in my life and dude you go to like they have all these packets like bro you

00:17:33.220 could get a fucking gizzard you could get it in the neck of anything boy the chinese will eat the chinese

00:17:40.580 wheat when i was growing up um you know they had a lot of like a lot of black my black friends would

00:17:46.660 eat they'd eat all kind of wild stuff you know hogs head cheese and more you know they got kind of

00:17:52.740 you know a lot of cracklings and things like that that to me were foreign to me but man the chinese dude

00:18:02.660 bro if you if you got your appendix taken out when you came to after the anesthesia at the hospital

00:18:08.260 they'd have a motherfucker across the room boy you know what i'm saying some one of your little

00:18:12.980 mandarin amigos one of your little cantonese comrades over there just slicing into that thing

00:18:19.460 you know like george costanza into a snicker just plating he'd have your appendix plated up

00:18:24.740 you get your tonsils taken out somebody else is getting a bowl of fucking

00:18:28.660 two chunk meat soup because that's nothing is wasted here

00:18:33.620 and it but man it happens fast you have got to be this is not a city

00:18:41.220 for the week you have to it take because anything can happen here

00:18:47.700 man you see

00:18:49.780 you know it'd be 2 a.m you're walking down the street somebody rappelling off the side of a building

00:18:53.460 dude is that batman practice is that a burglary is that a fireman who just put some

00:18:59.060 anything you don't and you don't know especially as somebody that speaks english you can't even ask

00:19:03.380 anybody you know you can't even ask anybody man so

00:19:10.340 it's just i'm trying to think of how else to say it it's just unbelievable uh the guys that brought me

00:19:15.700 out um senna productions i think they're called s-i-n-a um brian uh su su su i think is how you say his last

00:19:26.580 name he's not even asian that's uh he's um he's an amsterdamian and mormon and uh but it was great

00:19:34.340 man just the hospitality was beyond anything i mean i'd come back here so many amazing people came out

00:19:42.740 um you know i met this dude this beautiful man as he makes waffles out there and uh in shaman and

00:19:49.540 they got a island out there and this dude's out there slanging waffles bro you know i'm saying those

00:19:55.620 are just straight up gridlocked pancakes baby and this dude's out there you know this dude's out there

00:20:00.980 you know slanging them fucking griddle hitters and it just you know so many people came out people that

00:20:09.540 saw me on rogan people that um just nice people a lot of people that are here teaching english that's

00:20:16.020 the top thing it seems like and man it was just you know and they wanted to just tell me a little bit

00:20:21.780 about the culture and they were grateful you know a lot of really really great americans are over here

00:20:27.700 working and and uh and i'm gonna take i'm gonna think about them when i'm not here um because sometimes

00:20:35.700 you know you know they uh because when when we're not around we need people to think about us sometimes

00:20:43.460 and and it can be when we're not around anywhere when we're not around our family when we're not

00:20:47.380 around our uh our friends we're not around our country you know we want to know that people think

00:20:53.220 about us and i'm going to think about those people sometimes but yeah it was magical it was magical

00:20:59.220 um and there's also i know i felt a sense of like i didn't feel as much a sense of like self-importance

00:21:08.420 here and i know i'm just rambling about china but look i'm in dang china dude and i wasn't here last

00:21:15.940 week and now i am here and um it's all here it's about the greater good there's more of a sense like

00:21:24.500 your family i feel like people are more into their family means a lot to them you know it seemed like

00:21:30.340 people um their province uh uh you know or their name their um their region very important to them um

00:21:40.100 certain food people would say oh this is food from my uh area you know or this is food from um

00:21:46.820 you know the hunan province you know or this is food uh people were just

00:21:50.660 a lot of uh cultural pride um

00:21:57.780 it feels more like you're part of like a country like a thing here like chinese like being chinese

00:22:03.060 it's a thing and they are they have so much history dude these people have been here

00:22:08.980 you know i'm saying if you go if you read adam and eve right in the bible if you read if you look

00:22:16.580 back behind the garden of eden there's a there's just a million chinese people back there hanging out

00:22:23.300 you know it's like the timeline i mean china these people have been around here

00:22:30.500 and i some part of me i felt some part of me felt like they're from another planet

00:22:35.940 and not in a bad way they're not that they just that they dude if anybody and joe rogan was talking

00:22:44.020 about this if you have if you look at their writing it looks very like hieroglyphs it looks like something

00:22:48.900 that uh somebody would come from far away and make for us it's drawings and and it just seems like

00:22:56.900 secrets you know that somebody is is showing you they're writing um what else what's been i'm trying

00:23:06.420 to think what else has been fascinating here how everything moves they'll have somebody walking

00:23:11.300 right they'll have uh somebody riding a bike with a child sitting on the back of the bike not in a seat

00:23:17.220 just like on the like on a tire cover and i'm talking like a nine-year-old and the the parent will

00:23:22.500 be riding the bike forward the child will be sitting sideways with their legs hanging right

00:23:27.540 down by the spokes on their phone completely oblivious and completely trusting to the parent

00:23:34.340 that the parent is navigating a busy street there are buses there are um motorcycles uh vespas scooters uh

00:23:44.660 there are cars all of that going on all these intersections all of it happening and all of it flows

00:23:50.020 without a hitch it's it's unbelievable it's almost like you're in a bloodstream

00:23:59.700 you're in a bloodstream and it's and it is going no matter what it's about what's important for

00:24:06.500 everyone we are moving forward um so yeah it's more important it's not like i'm important that's what we

00:24:13.540 have in america i feel like i'm important like i apostrophe important but here it's about importance

00:24:21.700 this is what's important for most of us we all have to move forward you know and i know a lot of that

00:24:28.900 sense you know you got that communist style here but it doesn't feel communist it feels very capitalistic

00:24:36.180 to me um you know p i mean i've been to uh havana and that's how some latino people say havana and i

00:24:44.020 say havana dude i don't say how i you know sometimes you meet somebody that pronounces something too

00:24:49.780 fuck you know come on man say it what it is you know people are like uh oh i'm from uh miami

00:24:57.700 bitch you're from miami bitch okay and your parents are paying your rent while you're over there at the

00:25:04.500 you of uh uh at the um over there at the you at the you the you you know i'm saying people are like

00:25:12.020 oh i'm from um you know new jersey bitch you're from new jersey you know you can't

00:25:20.500 new jersey that's that sound like a cheese you're from new jersey

00:25:24.740 so it's uh you know it's just yeah it's just more about what's important here the greater good

00:25:32.260 everybody's moving forward there seem to be some pride you know some chinese pride um

00:25:39.700 people definitely excited about americans you know there's that there's excitements about americans you

00:25:45.460 know um so it's you know uh i'm trying to think of what else what else i took a couple notes here um

00:26:01.220 yeah and i usually don't write notes but there's just been dude it's so much here it's so much going

00:26:05.620 on you know we went up in the tallest building in the world you know uh got my lady friend out here so

00:26:13.780 we went up in the tallest building in the world um or the second tallest i don't know bro so high

00:26:20.900 like you're looking you're like in the clouds you can feel a cloud go like wrapped around the building

00:26:25.620 and scoot off okay okay there you go a cloud just and then go and then you're you know you can see

00:26:34.180 everything it's like you're above birds it just and not a lot of birds man and look and that's another

00:26:40.740 thing nothing goes unused here you know i'm saying dude if a bird lands here it's gonna get fucked up

00:26:48.900 you know it's gonna be uh a soup you know i'm saying this ain't a place where a lot of birds

00:26:53.860 like in america dude birds mill around think about that in america birds are taking the day off

00:27:00.020 i saw a pigeon one time thought it was dead dude it was fucking on vacation just laying in the

00:27:05.860 fucking park like what the fuck you're on vacation you're a pigeon dude birds relaxing birds getting

00:27:13.940 fat birds complaining birds catching the flu in america bird flu dude here bird a bird doesn't have

00:27:23.140 time to get sick they'll cut that dove into a couple of fucking steaks boy you know what i'm

00:27:29.380 saying you'll have a do you see somebody with a fucking lip full of flamingo jerky it's nothing

00:27:35.140 everything gets used here we're moving forward as a group you know there's no bro you couldn't complain

00:27:42.980 here about a bunch of shit nobody gives a fuck there's a so many people we are moving forward it's

00:27:50.340 not about uh you know you it's about us and you still see like a sense of you know people aren't

00:27:58.100 didn't and these are all my perceptions and i might be totally wrong this is just how i feel and see in

00:28:04.740 this brief experience in shanghai or shang shanghai you know i don't have you know i'm taking little bits

00:28:13.620 i'm not getting you know and i wanted to get off into the countryside man i had this you know we're on

00:28:19.460 the train and i had this idea of like um and you're on the train and you see like the man on

00:28:24.180 the bike with the hat and the the the thing going across his shoulders and to a bucket on each like

00:28:30.100 a teeter-totter on him you know a bucket of you know perfect balance balance is key here man everything

00:28:38.580 moves in succession you can't even i couldn't explain to you how so much happens and and nothing it didn't

00:28:47.460 i didn't see an accident i didn't see them i didn't see any panic even like that's the thing

00:28:53.860 they don't there's not a lot of panic here there's this general sense that everything is going to

00:29:00.340 happen no matter what but yeah it's just been fascinating man um

00:29:06.900 um everything's for sale you can get anything you want here like i said you know you can get a shirt

00:29:15.540 that uh that you know you can get a shirt that every now and then will um will kind of hug you

00:29:24.100 you feeling lonely put on that fucking tank top baby you know i'm saying you you feeling lonely put on that uh

00:29:32.580 put on that affectionate sweater you know i'm saying you could anything you want they got it here

00:29:39.460 do you want extra kneecaps dude they got them bro you get them installed plastic surgery out the yin

00:29:44.820 yang here you see a dude look like a fucking triceratops bro he got his cousins fucking you

00:29:51.140 know he borrowed you know he had a cousin that died in a fire or something he took his femurs out and

00:29:55.780 fucking got him installed and it was you know straight out his dome they anything you want six

00:30:04.180 legs and you want to uh shit silk you got it baby you're a spider now you could fucking dude anything

00:30:10.980 you want to happen can happen here they got it all they got it all and it's just it it doesn't end

00:30:23.220 it doesn't end it's all night and it's safe here's the thing so safe

00:30:29.780 bro i haven't felt this say the only other city that i felt this safe in for me was toronto

00:30:36.420 toronto you could fall you could go to sleep in the middle of the street in toronto in the middle

00:30:41.700 of a busy street in downtown toronto and the cars would slow down as they went by you quietly as to

00:30:48.260 not wake you up like that's how safe it is but you feel safe here you feel like

00:30:55.380 anything could happen it's confusing you don't know what people are saying people sound angry a lot

00:31:00.580 um i don't know just just fascinating oh i noticed people want to they want to engage with you like

00:31:09.220 you can feel them looking at you but when you look at them they look away and it feels like there's a

00:31:14.500 secret in the air like everybody like there's a huge secret going on and you don't know about it but

00:31:20.420 the truth is there is no secret it's just this it's just this human kind of fog that just goes in and

00:31:32.580 out of the existence just like in and out like like china is a lung and it's just constantly just

00:31:42.580 breathing and expelling and breathing and expelling this sense of mystery that's in the air

00:31:51.220 and it's it's fascinating um it's fascinating man if you haven't been to shanghai i recommend it

00:31:57.860 uh if you're watching on the youtube this shit it looks french as hell i'm sitting here i'm in my

00:32:02.180 hotel room and man these people took care of us you know i got to stay in just some beautiful out here

00:32:08.020 to marry up man the first night i could i was i went out on the street i couldn't handle it there's

00:32:14.340 children that are awake at 2 a.m and all the little girls here they dress up their the the young the

00:32:19.780 their daughters um there's a lot of pride when they when families take their daughters out and

00:32:24.340 they all let them dress up like princesses so all the little girls are princesses i mean

00:32:30.740 you know like in america sometimes you'll see a girl dressed up like a prince every little girl

00:32:34.740 you would see on the street here is uh is is dressed like a princess and um and uh and so that was kind

00:32:42.740 of cute because suddenly you you feel like you're almost like in disney world you know there's this

00:32:46.980 sense of uh you know you can when you see children all the children seem very happy and that's a that

00:32:55.220 that says a lot for a culture you know when the children seem to be um you know very happy and

00:33:01.780 they're curious you can see the children be very curious and looking at you and uh and there's not

00:33:06.580 a lot of white people here look i thought there'd be a ton of white people a lot of europeans no black

00:33:11.060 people no joke i saw two um there was one girl i think aaron or erica that came out to one of the

00:33:18.660 comedy shows she's a comedian um and one other i saw a british uh black girl that i believe was british

00:33:27.620 um but yeah just different you know just like what just you know fascinating very very very very

00:33:38.020 uh fascinating so what else um skyscrapers everywhere you can see a skyscraper anywhere

00:33:46.980 you can see a skyscraper anywhere uh and it's all happening at once there's there's just everything

00:33:53.460 there's absolutely nothing is wasted you know somebody could die upstairs and two hours they're

00:34:02.340 serving ribs downstairs and that's life you know it's about the importance somebody's hungry

00:34:09.220 somebody died let's figure this out it's about important you know not i important and i know

00:34:15.620 that's kind of a fucking cheesy thing but whatever dude life's cheesy bro life's cheesy dude open your

00:34:22.180 mouth son you alive open your mouth taste your tongue what's that bruh velveeta you know what's

00:34:30.020 that that's shop chata what you got in your mouth what you got in your mouth so here i am here i've been

00:34:39.460 this episode also is brought to you by gray block pizza and bronx born pizza one of them is in los

00:34:45.540 angeles and one of them is in uh bend oregon this episode is also brought to you by ridge wallet

00:34:53.220 ridge wallet ridge wallet dot com slash theo t-h-e-o and ridge wallet has um they got this

00:35:02.100 imagine that imagine you have something stuck on your ass right and you have to take it all

00:35:08.500 yeah and and it's um and it's a wallet that's what it is you know and it's and it's nice to have

00:35:15.460 but at the same time you got this big ass fucking crazy ass wallet in there you got pictures from the

00:35:20.820 eighth grade you got pictures you know girls or guys used to fake you got pictures of people you never

00:35:27.140 faked you know which is awkward if you're still carrying pictures from the eighth grade of chicks you

00:35:32.340 wanted to hook up with and you're in your 30s now then that is that's not nostalgia that's illegal bruh

00:35:38.900 okay empty the shit out or just get that ridge wallet that front pocket carry it's bulletproof

00:35:46.100 it's um stain proof you can't stain it because it's not made of cloth or anything like that it's that

00:35:51.940 hard front pocket carry minimalize minimalize your style put it in the front pocket ridge

00:35:57.860 wallet.com slash theo get that hitter what else man um we'll get into some calls man let's take

00:36:06.420 a few calls we got some great calls we got some fan line stuff we're gonna go over some things i'm

00:36:11.860 happy i'm i'm feeling fortunate to get this episode off i want to thank everybody on our patreon

00:36:17.700 we had a single mom that came out in shanghai uh and i'm gonna get a call from her when i'm back

00:36:23.460 in the u.s i'm gonna get a call this week on the line with her so we can talk to her

00:36:27.620 beautiful lady beautiful lady um two children one and three years old two little girls

00:36:34.660 and uh and she took the time off uh to come out we got her tickets and took care of dinner for her

00:36:40.900 and a friend of hers and man it was just magical it was magical to be a part of this uh scene to

00:36:46.420 come over here and do stand-up i would say about 30 of the people that came out were uh chinese or

00:36:52.260 looked chinese they could have been white people that dyed their hair and dyed their skin kind of light

00:36:57.380 colored i don't want to you know accuse anybody of being chinese um but yeah i went to an a meeting

00:37:04.420 you know we're not supposed to maybe talk about that but i went to an a meeting uh i have two years

00:37:08.820 sober and that is uh maybe i'll get into that on this episode i don't know maybe i'll get into that

00:37:17.140 next week um man just so much so much uh happening here and uh and thank you guys so much for the

00:37:26.100 listenership that duncan trussell episode was crazy guys we have some sweet guests that i'm trying to

00:37:32.260 get in right now and if there's a look if you want to go go hound some guests you know i'm saying i'm

00:37:36.740 trying to get uh russell brand to come in you know i'm trying to get amy schumers to come in you know

00:37:43.380 i'm trying to get uh you know i'm trying to get who else um oh amanda knox you know what i'm saying

00:37:52.260 that french murderer but she didn't do it so i'm trying to get every you know i'm trying to get the

00:37:57.860 dark arts and the and the light arts i'm trying to get it all to happen but if there's somebody you

00:38:02.260 want to come on tell them send them a message on social media say hey you need to go you need to

00:38:07.540 go on these days we make happen what we want to happen you know for so long especially in hollywood

00:38:13.860 i had this idea i'm waiting for these people to do this for me i'm waiting for this i'm no i'm not

00:38:18.100 doing that shit anymore i'm i've been reaching out to you know guests that i think are neat i want to

00:38:23.540 have come on you know and so i guess i just i'm feeling empowered man i'm not wasting this you know

00:38:30.820 it's that chinese infusion bro i'm infused dude i got that green tea in me i'm fired up bro i got

00:38:37.540 that shezwan i got that shezwan in my nuts bro in my spine you know i'm saying i'm spraying spice boy

00:38:47.780 i got mace in my special place dog you know what i'm saying and i haven't masturbated honestly in

00:38:53.220 about 11 days so i'm feeling good about that i'm keyed up on my own seed right now you can probably

00:38:58.340 be feeling in me look i don't even know what time it is that's another thing about china what time is

00:39:02.900 it who gives a fuck bro keep it moving keep it going are you doing something do something dude

00:39:10.580 there's not one overweight i mean there might not be food here but there's not one overweight person

00:39:14.820 here in china not that overweight is everything but there ain't nobody's nobody look if you got some

00:39:20.820 extra gristle hanging off of your yourself somebody will come by with a fucking knife and

00:39:27.940 grill that shit up you can lose weight here but i swear that one of the reasons they probably do

00:39:33.940 all plastic surgery is they're probably cooking a lot of that shit you know i'm saying they could

00:39:38.580 probably trim my nose down a little bit and have a couple little uh you know at least make one scallop

00:39:46.100 they could pull at least one scallop out of my snout for somebody but we had some calls that came

00:39:52.580 in um i'm happy to be here with you guys uh this is this past weekend i'm gonna be in raleigh north

00:39:58.420 carolina this weekend if you know somebody in north carolina have them come out what are they doing

00:40:07.060 nothing let's change it let's change that shit together you know so we can have them come out and

00:40:13.300 i'm going to be there in raleigh north carolina where else i'll be coming up minneapolis minnesota

00:40:18.180 at the skyway theater uh chicago illinois and that's selling out pretty quick august 16th through the

00:40:23.620 18th zany's in nashville uh september 14th and third and 15th and then just for laughs in toronto go

00:40:31.860 and get those tickets and come on and get those hitters and let them know you got to fill out there who you

00:40:36.500 want to see ghostbusters and man i feel excited today man sometimes i get scared i get nervous when

00:40:43.860 i feel excited you know i feel like i get nervous to feel good you know i feel like i've been feeling

00:40:51.220 like this a lot recently man i've been feeling like you know because i've been working hard in this in

00:40:56.660 this you know and stand up for a long time and like even in the past couple weeks things have been going

00:41:00.820 better you know things have just been having better opportunities and and i just get nervous you know

00:41:08.100 and it's not like i don't know man it's like sometimes you just got to put on that jacket of

00:41:13.460 i'm i can do this because nobody knows if you can or can't nobody knows if you can or can't do something

00:41:23.700 and you let them know that you let them know they don't just know i used to think that everybody in

00:41:31.300 the world was thinking oh he can't do it he can't do it and that fueled me it fueled me because it was

00:41:37.780 like this chip on my shoulder but it was but in the end it's like if i show up and i can't i don't leave

00:41:48.260 the judgment up to them i don't let them decide if they think i can or think i can

00:41:56.180 i can and man i don't know what maybe i'm infected by my mom i might be chinese man

00:42:04.660 you know and i got some chinese features bro i got some chinese features man i got high blood pressure

00:42:12.020 you know i got kind of lean eyes my eyes are real lean in the sockets man

00:42:16.340 they used to make fun of me when i was young actually um but man it's a blessing to be here

00:42:23.620 it's a blessing to be here in china and i would recommend it if you have considered coming then i

00:42:27.940 would say continue uh to consider that um you can get all tickets at theovan.com slash tour we got some

00:42:34.740 new gang gang shirts coming out this week you can get all that at theovan.com slash uh store and i hate

00:42:41.700 saying my name bro theovan it's just let's let's just let's go to some calls man you can always hit

00:42:47.540 the hotline 985-664-9503 or you can hit the fan line and those are our live rays fan line video

00:42:55.860 questions you can submit a video question and we got a gang of those today too we're going to get into

00:43:00.420 them um here we go on a call that came in here we go and i haven't heard any of these yet uh this one

00:43:06.740 says theo's old friend let's hear who it is

00:43:16.180 all right and that's just me not having the volume on onward what up dude it's crummel

00:43:23.540 all right and let's hear who it is

00:43:30.020 all right and let's hear who it is what up dude it's crummel

00:43:33.460 ain't talking a long time man oh crummy crum boy my boy robert crummel and this uh

00:43:41.300 i knew this gentleman in high school man old crumb dick my buddy called him crumb dick all the time

00:43:46.500 and no real reason he didn't really have small pieces of food on his dick or anything like that

00:43:51.380 uh his last name was crummel and so just crumb dick people would call him that and he's not a bad

00:43:57.780 person not a dick people it's just like a nickname you know what i'm saying everybody got that nickname

00:44:02.340 like we had a dude that had been in a fire people call him sparky bruh you know what i'm saying

00:44:07.940 everybody's got that crazy nickname you know we had a dude who uh we had a dude they called him salty

00:44:15.540 because he used to if he would get scabs and stuff he would um after gym class when his body would be

00:44:20.660 real sweaty he would peel his scabs off and eat them when they were salty and so everybody has a nickname

00:44:27.060 you know everybody has something wild um we had a girl named tiff and people thought it was from

00:44:34.260 tiffany and i asked her mom one day is it from tiffany short for short for tiffany she said no tiff

00:44:41.140 like you know you get in a little into a little argument with someone i'm like that's an insane reason

00:44:47.620 to call somebody that so but anyway go on crumb what's up baby stumbled across your uh website

00:44:53.300 and you was doing your podcast thing uh just got to remember in old days and

00:44:59.380 shit and just wanted to say what's up i know that was all i'm gonna see how you're doing man

00:45:05.380 um at any rate i'm gonna get back to work i'll talk to you later brother

00:45:12.420 okay there you go man i hadn't talked to crummy right there i'm probably about 15 yes

00:45:18.260 and uh and you probably could have just hit me up on my regular phone robert but i mean that's

00:45:22.980 interesting to leave that on the hotline but hey that's how it happens man that's how it happens

00:45:27.300 good to hear from you bud and i hope uh everything's going good down there we used to have this dude in

00:45:31.540 our neighborhood also named pug and he was straight up first of the month dude he used to listen to bone

00:45:36.420 thugs and harmony all the time and uh wake up and um and yeah and then one time somebody invited him

00:45:45.220 over to the house and and everybody hit on the roof and shot bb guns at him you know and that was on

00:45:50.260 halloween and that was the kind of time you could do that when you could shoot a friend you know with

00:45:55.060 a non-deadly weapon and that was halloween style and we would call pug over and then gun him down pop

00:46:00.820 pop off the top of the roof with uh bb guns with those small metal hitters bro all right let's hit

00:46:07.300 another call here the hotline always is nine eight five six six four nine five zero three i didn't tell

00:46:13.140 you that call that the song at the beginning of the of the episode was uh bishop gun that was bishop

00:46:20.740 gun uh again i know i keep going to them i promise i'm gonna listen through the songs we've had a lot

00:46:24.820 of great submissions here's the problem with music people have submitted it can't be copywritten if

00:46:29.620 it's copywritten i can't use it so because they'll they'll flag us and they'll take our episode down

00:46:35.140 here we go let's get another call that came in hey theo it's andrew from illinois what's up andrew in

00:46:41.140 illinois thanks for calling dude let's hear more with you saying your regret for not serving in the

00:46:47.860 military you know you shouldn't feel like that i served seven years in the marines and thank you

00:46:54.100 for your service man marines boy those boys don't play i remember i was on some bases i'm doing you know

00:47:00.500 some um some uso type comedy tours and you know and all the services do their thing but man the marine

00:47:09.540 boys show up or or women and they man they get it done son marines dude they're like they're like

00:47:16.900 the chinese brother they'll eat each other if they have to you know i'm saying you'll see three marines

00:47:20.900 walk off for lunch two of them come back it's like and the third one was was happy to sacrifice himself

00:47:26.420 dude because it's about that greater good let's hear more and i just want to say you know you're doing

00:47:32.340 your part and you're helping us out with coming back home to a good country you know what i'm saying

00:47:38.420 like you're giving us laughter and you know you're helping out that veteran friend with some money

00:47:44.260 whenever he needs it you know 22 of us are killing ourselves every day 22. wow man yeah you know and

00:47:52.740 that is a you know well thank you for saying some of those things for one man i do realize that my job

00:47:58.980 is freedom of speech i mean my job is a direct a direct freedom my job is a direct freedom like you

00:48:09.860 can't do my job in some countries you know my job is freedom of speech so people have legitimately died

00:48:17.540 specifically for not for me but for my job for my ability to orate to speak um and to speak freely

00:48:29.540 and so you know i guess maybe that's why some of that get feels heavier to me but i'm sure a lot

00:48:35.060 of men feel that way you know you feel regret you feel regret you feel like you weren't

00:48:41.540 you know you weren't strong enough or you weren't good enough to do it but i appreciate you saying that

00:48:45.540 that we can find ways to do it you can help a friend out you know it's and that's such a that's such a

00:48:51.860 harrowing issue that that so many veterans are taking their own lives you know there's a lot

00:48:58.580 of issues there with that you know there's a lot of issues you know a lot of problems aren't getting

00:49:03.860 the help that they need there's a lot of um people claiming ptsd that don't have it and i'm not accusing

00:49:11.060 people but i i've just heard too many cases and i've read too many articles where it's like

00:49:17.620 you know now everybody just wants that easy right you know they want that oh yeah ptsd sure

00:49:21.860 you know let me get that hit um and not just and and then it's then it is it takes away from

00:49:29.540 the pool and the time and the resources that are for men that are actually and women that are suffering

00:49:34.660 from it you know but it's like how do we figure all that out a lot of the shit is just that people

00:49:40.820 need to there needs to be people need to want to do stuff for themselves like one thing i notice

00:49:49.540 here man and this is general speaking for sure is that there's people seem excited about their jobs

00:49:57.380 it could be a shitty job somebody has here but they're excited about it people seem fired and

00:50:02.740 maybe they're just excited because i'm a white um you know they look at me and think money you know

00:50:08.660 they look at me and think oh well here's a tourist but there just seem to be um i don't know

00:50:17.060 america has this malaise we have this infection that we don't want to we don't

00:50:24.740 i wonder sometimes if a country gets so comfortable sorry my email's on if a country gets so comfortable

00:50:31.380 does an infection get into it of comfort you know comfort becomes such an infection

00:50:38.340 because we adapt you adapt and we've almost adapted out of

00:50:42.100 the pieces of us that make

00:50:50.740 being a human

00:50:53.620 exciting

00:50:56.340 you know we've almost adapted we've almost gotten so comfortable sometimes

00:51:01.060 in america that we've but that we've

00:51:09.060 that we

00:51:13.700 that there's no i'm trying to think of what it is it's like we don't care about what

00:51:20.180 i don't know i i feel like i almost know what i'm saying but then i don't

00:51:23.700 we've almost it's like we've it's like it becomes an infection if you get so comfortable then you

00:51:29.540 don't you know there's nothing else um you just you lose the vigor and it becomes an infection and

00:51:38.740 then generation a generation it goes down you know it's like we need something to really make us

00:51:45.700 feel purpose that's what i'm thinking you feel like there's no per like i don't know china feels like

00:51:51.940 they have a purpose you know there's this vibe in china that i hear about that they feel like

00:51:57.300 that um that they have inherited the torch of the strongest country and they are excited about that and

00:52:02.660 they are moving forward with that and it's it's all it's pro china here there's no

00:52:07.460 no fucking you come over they're trying to make shit you feel comfortable from it it's

00:52:12.260 fucking china you you can't get a citizenship here you're from another country you can't get

00:52:18.100 citizenship here you can be welcome you can be allowed to stay you can be uh granted permissions

00:52:23.540 but and this is from what i've gathered you can't you know i'm saying like everybody's all like

00:52:29.460 you know america sometimes wants to be this fucking turnstile and that's fine but you got to

00:52:34.900 organize that you know everybody's fucking styling and nobody's turning anymore you know nobody we we

00:52:44.660 got to have some sense of order and this shit is about order over here and uh and so there's you

00:52:52.020 know i don't know i mean obviously i'm fucking have just turned into a chinese person and totally

00:52:55.940 giving up on my home country i'm not saying that but it's definitely been interesting and it makes me

00:53:01.380 wonder i don't know it just makes me think i guess and feel let's hear more of this call i'm sorry to

00:53:07.540 keep interrupting your brother so you know you're you're looking out and you got his six man so don't

00:53:12.820 feel bad you know you're you're doing your thing i just want to say you know i appreciate the podcast

00:53:19.780 you're doing great things gang gang gang gang baby boy gang gang and uh and yeah we're trying to move

00:53:28.580 it on we're trying to move it on but i appreciate you saying that we had another call in here about

00:53:32.340 military um i appreciate you saying that you know that i'm trying to do something and be a part of

00:53:37.700 something you know uh we had another call here about military here we go hey theo this is tamim uh

00:53:45.060 i was listening to your podcast about the 29 year old virgin and i had to pause it in the middle of the

00:53:50.020 podcast to leave this comment for you uh what got me a little triggered was your remark that uh dudes in

00:53:56.980 the military or guys and ladies that serve in the military their votes should count for more

00:54:02.180 i mean listen right and that's a comment last week i said that if you serve in the military your vote

00:54:06.260 should count for more than if you haven't um and that got you triggered let me hear more my vote should

00:54:13.940 definitely count for more because i'm a true badass but unfortunately there's lots of dummies that are in

00:54:19.940 the military too and uh they vote this way that way any other way who the hell knows uh i worked with

00:54:26.580 a ton of them they were completely retarded i don't know if i can say the r word but i said it anyway

00:54:32.180 you can say it again it's okay if you say it to a person that is retarded or around them or their family

00:54:37.540 i mean it's not going to go over well and you're going to suffer the repercussions of it

00:54:41.380 but you can say it it's okay onward um and you know look they're just people like everybody else

00:54:49.140 it's a job we do uh don't feel regret for not joining man it just wasn't your path

00:54:54.660 uh you're doing way better stuff now i sincerely mean that i love your podcast dude i just discovered

00:55:00.580 you like maybe a week ago i think you're hilarious dude you're now one of my favorite comedians uh keep

00:55:06.420 doing what you're doing and uh you know i'll keep doing what i'm doing all right brother take it easy

00:55:12.580 well that was a nice message man and thanks for your service uh you know and that's a nice thought

00:55:18.420 from inside of um inside of a military mind you know that they look at us and um are grateful for

00:55:26.820 people that are um you know that they don't hold it against us i guess if we don't serve in the military

00:55:32.260 um so thanks for saying some of that man that's you know because i think a lot of guys feel like

00:55:38.100 that you know i have a buddy that's in there and he had a son uh i think he just had a son about eight

00:55:43.220 months ago and um and i got another friend over there who lives in virginia and he's got two daughters

00:55:48.660 and he's a he's a seal um and uh and you know he has to go away on these trips and stuff and it just

00:55:57.060 really you know i can't imagine what that's like and and the women who have to support you know in

00:56:03.540 the whatever or the spouse who's not there who's not you know going on these um you know when you

00:56:10.660 go out and fight or go out and serve um i don't know what they call it's like it's not vacation and

00:56:16.900 you know it's like a fight it's like a vacation but you have to fight and work so i don't know what

00:56:21.700 that's called um deployment sorry but uh but yeah no and just just leaving their family just that

00:56:29.700 separation um that's a real thing you know it's a real thing and and i watched some of my friends

00:56:36.100 go through that and it's it's intense and it's it's intense and it's powerful to see the you know

00:56:40.740 their wives both of them are guys and to see their wives that stay home and uh and really learn to be

00:56:47.380 a wife and you know learn to be a a father and a mother while they're gone it's fascinating man

00:56:53.780 it's pretty fascinating but uh but thanks for saying that dude you know thanks for saying that

00:57:00.180 and i you know i yeah so you're saying there's a lot of idiots in there that don't deserve it um

00:57:05.780 you know you know what they're starting to do or what i'm hearing about here first of all in china

00:57:09.700 they have facial recognition is coming in hot they're going to be able to know everyone at wherever

00:57:15.060 they are everyone and you think oh really is it going to be effective dude shit here is effective

00:57:21.780 they have one app everybody uses something called wechat and they use it for everything use it to text

00:57:27.220 use it to buy food you pay for your bill you order food you order a taxi it's all in one thing there's no

00:57:35.140 a million at there's none of that shit you can't do instagram here um i can do it through atnt

00:57:41.140 through like a vpn or whatever but i can't they don't have uh facebook you can't do it through

00:57:46.500 their wi-fi right so um but they are gonna have a thing soon where you are gonna have like a score

00:57:54.500 almost like on black mirror that shows how you are as a i guess as a person you know that's gonna like

00:58:01.860 evaluate you um and sometimes i think we need something like that in america it's like

00:58:07.860 so that way you know if somebody is a fucking slug and they're not doing anything or not pulling

00:58:12.500 their weight you know and you know if you are i guess it i guess it's not more about knowing that

00:58:17.860 somebody else is it's just it's something that's like we need something to light our fire to to you

00:58:23.940 know we need like it just like it's hard to get a whole country to move forward it's hard to go onward

00:58:31.380 when you have so many anchors um that are just stagnant it's like how do you fix how do you

00:58:38.260 how do you remedy that when there's just so many fucking muppets out there you know just you know

00:58:44.100 drinking each other's breast milk for fun it's just how do you remedy that how do you solve it

00:58:51.940 you know it's like and we can't help everybody we can help most people i believe but i don't think we

00:58:57.380 can help everybody we have this thing sometimes in america it's like and i guess i'm thinking about

00:59:02.980 america because i'm not in it right now you know me i'll step outside dude i'll talk about us then

00:59:08.180 i'll step right outside of the building and point a finger at you you know so that's what i'm doing

00:59:12.820 right now and um but it's like it's just like we're always trying to help the lowest common denominator

00:59:20.260 and at us and people like there should yeah how do you start to know if people want to help

00:59:26.100 themselves because there's a lot of people that are alive they don't even act like they want to be

00:59:31.380 it you know and what i'm saying is dude if that's your case bro check on out you know come to come to

00:59:39.780 china they do reincarnation here you know i'm saying check yourself out you could be a bambi in an hour

00:59:45.460 you could be a toad you could be a uh you know you could be anything you could be a uh a giraffe

00:59:53.220 you could be whatever you want but thanks for those calls man thanks those are our follow-up calls

00:59:58.100 from uh from last week about um about military should you know and i don't know if that changes my

01:00:03.860 thoughts really on should you know there's just something about the fact that if you serve to me

01:00:10.580 if there were a vote anyway i would be willing to say well i think that those people should be

01:00:14.420 allowed to uh they've earned a higher ability to vote a higher percentage of vote but then i also

01:00:22.020 think if somebody um graduated high school then they should be able to maybe have a higher percentage

01:00:28.180 of vote you know it's definitely but then maybe that that maybe that i don't know enough to know if

01:00:35.060 that ruins the idea of democracy you know i don't know enough let's hear another call that came out of

01:00:40.420 the hotline here we go hey theo this is dylan uh i'm out here in tohocan texas welding on this gas line

01:00:48.020 oh you out there welding on a gas line bro well i'm not uh smart but that does not sound wise dude

01:00:56.500 think about that you welding on a gas line bro come out onward but uh i'm listening to the latest

01:01:08.180 episode and a guy called in uh who liked getting his dick sucked twice a day right oh yeah that man

01:01:14.660 called in and he was a contractor he said he's spending 1500 a week for somebody to rock his

01:01:20.260 cock around in her mouth you know for somebody to freaking uh vacuum up his bus busts come on guy

01:01:28.180 that seemed like a lot of money to me uh it seemed like an addiction to me that's me judging him but

01:01:33.940 that's what it seemed like a little bit uh but let's hear more he's paying for it so uh i wondered

01:01:42.020 i mean i agree with what you said it seems like it's working for him and it's working for these ladies so

01:01:46.020 i was thinking you're trying not to masturbate yep and i think i got 11 days right now man and

01:01:52.180 that's another reason why i'm feeling nutty you know i'm feeling i feel like i got pecans in my stomach

01:01:57.860 boy because i got that nut that thing is built up son you know i'm saying i'll stare through a

01:02:03.940 fucking peach right now i got that shang i got that ying yang inside of me boy my dick will

01:02:11.140 fucking karate kick its way through a fucking weak fence i could do something right now bruh

01:02:17.140 you feel me i'll pet a dog with my fucking eyelashes bruh i haven't masturbated in 11 days

01:02:23.380 and my chi is like hey i get cheed up boy they call me chester cheetah bruh you know i'm saying

01:02:33.860 i'm cheat dude i'll fucking run through a village bruh i'll run through a village and lick somebody's

01:02:39.780 fucking neck i'm fired up boy because i got that nut i got that nudie nudie bruh i got the lord's

01:02:47.460 garbanzo beans fucking just stacking up inside of my fucking nuts let's hear more and when you're

01:02:56.740 paying a hooker you're like masturbating with them with their bodies right so you know i thought that

01:03:05.140 was interesting i wondered what what why really you don't want to masturbate but uh it's kind of

01:03:12.980 the same thing he's doing except he's paying money to have somebody do it for him and maybe that's

01:03:17.140 hard to connect with actual people and like find love and stuff if you're you know getting a dick

01:03:22.820 start twice a day and he's jerking off a lot but uh i just wondered why you were down with that and i

01:03:27.940 wonder you know how that fit in with you trying not to jerk off or whatever so uh i love your

01:03:33.860 shit man keep your head up thank you man thanks for the call uh you know what i think um i'm okay

01:03:40.500 with prostitution being legal you know i'm okay that doesn't mean i'm okay with sex trafficking i'm not

01:03:46.420 in any of that kind of shit uh but i'm okay with prostitution being legal i'm okay with it um

01:03:53.700 um i think that it serves a purpose i think there are people that can do it in a healthy mindset i

01:04:01.620 think that you know that uh i think it's okay now i don't think addiction anything is super healthy

01:04:13.380 and i think we all find ways to check out so we don't have to do stuff you know for me with masturbation

01:04:20.420 and i haven't talked about this in a while you know and i've been struggling a lot man over the

01:04:26.740 past couple months with like you know i'll get you know i'll be by myself at night and i'll i'll get this

01:04:35.940 you know i'll get this feeling like i want to do something you know i want to do something

01:04:41.540 i don't know if it's bad or here it is it's not that i want to do something it's that i feel

01:04:45.620 uncomfortable and i don't want to feel uncomfortable so that uncomfort manifests it wants to get out of

01:04:53.620 my body and it's like a vulture that just wants to jump right out of my just right out of my heart

01:05:02.580 and the vulture always wants to do something bad you know and so i'll find myself you know

01:05:06.660 looking at escorts or thinking about pornography and i haven't been doing pornography but i'll be

01:05:12.020 thinking about it you know but then next thing you know you know i'll get end up down some wormhole and

01:05:17.540 then i'm you know i'm drawing pictures of pussy or something or you know i'm a man like um you know

01:05:25.460 a buddy of mine actually this is crazy this dude he used to make this little recipe back in the day

01:05:31.620 you know whenever we would you know after we had met some girls and you know when you're young a girl

01:05:36.660 will let you touch her crotch and look ladies i want to say this on behalf of a lot of the men out

01:05:40.900 there thank you but it starts to once you touch it after that you don't really want to touch anything

01:05:50.580 else except more crotch and so you're constantly men are constantly nervous with their hands after

01:05:57.300 that because the only place they really want to put their hand is in a crotch and they can't do it

01:06:01.300 because you can't just run around just hiding your hands in people's crotches you know what i'm

01:06:05.460 saying this ain't you know and just you can't you know your hand ain't punks a tiny feel you can't

01:06:10.980 say your hand saw its shadow and then hid in a woman's crotch that shit ain't gonna cut it bro

01:06:15.540 i ain't gonna hold up in court you're gonna go to jail and you probably get your hands cut off here in

01:06:20.420 china but anyhow what i'm what i'm getting at here fuck what am i getting that what's i talking about

01:06:27.940 um oh hookers and masturbation um so yes i want to do something with my hands

01:06:38.100 i can't remember what i was talking about i'll go back in time something will happen i want to do i

01:06:43.380 want to um yeah you know like uh oh so women once you do that then after that that's all we want to do

01:06:50.660 we want to touch more crotch so anyway a buddy of mine he used to make this recipe of like

01:06:56.500 he had a couple different ingredients i'll have to look back and remember what it was

01:07:00.020 and it would smell like crotch and he would take it you know a couple of these ingredients and put

01:07:04.740 them in a little mixing bowl or whatever and put it in the microwave or sometimes even put it in the

01:07:10.020 oven if he was making a little bit of fucking christmas cooter you know what i'm saying and it

01:07:14.820 would smell like crotch bro it was unbelievable i mean it was really really neat because you don't

01:07:21.220 think somebody could just hype it just do that you know this man was like a perfume like a i mean

01:07:26.660 that's the most french thing i've ever heard of you know firing up a batch of of a microwave

01:07:32.420 but he would do it he would he would create this thing and it had that you know that stench

01:07:37.620 because look and i know this is vulgar but there's a you know we're guttural we are we are um

01:07:43.300 um that is something that is in us you know you want to you know it's it's it's but it is vulgar

01:07:50.340 it's innocent but it's it's it's what got us here is that you know the scent of of a woman the scent of

01:07:58.180 of sex the scent of desire the scent of of something that draws you forward it's a scent of anything it can

01:08:06.340 be you know it can be a flower it can be any it's it's what draws you it's what moves you

01:08:13.540 and and this man could make that scent he could make that scent of uh of of crotch and he'd fire

01:08:20.820 up a batch and we'd fucking just i mean we didn't hail so much dude this one boy

01:08:27.220 jeffrey passed out and we're like damn jeffrey that dude could end up being a damn rapist you know

01:08:34.260 a rapist because if he you know there's no reason to be inhaling that fast with a little

01:08:39.060 bit of scent in the air and you can't even keep your life in line you can't even keep your your act

01:08:44.740 together but do i see a difference between the two that that man was doing that and he was hiring hookers

01:08:49.460 twice a day to blow him um i see here's all if something if he's calling me asking me if i think

01:08:59.060 that's an unhealthy behavior does he really just want to ask himself and he's not giving himself a

01:09:06.740 an honest answer is he just getting a second opinion does he already know that it might not be and he

01:09:11.380 just wants to hear somebody else say it you know here's the thing i feel like if you can't stop

01:09:16.900 something then it's an unhealthy behavior that's what i think if it controls you

01:09:22.340 if you're not in control dude then what the fuck and i'm not saying that at you brother i'm just

01:09:30.340 saying that you know that's when it's unhealthy and for me you know masturbation has not been and

01:09:36.500 and watching pornography over the years has been an unhealthy tool for me it started out unhealthy

01:09:42.020 you know it you know i got a lot of it confused with you know where my troubles still struggle these

01:09:49.380 days is you know if i if i get in love you know i have problems with sex because um there's just a

01:09:58.900 lot of confusion in there uh there's a lot of uncomfort you know and uh and so that's a place

01:10:07.060 where i still battle with and that's really you know i mean i'm still seeing some therapists about

01:10:11.460 that and that's a place where i still need honestly to do a lot of work in those areas um

01:10:16.340 um and and it's tough it's tough because you know what the worst part is for me

01:10:22.420 and i know you didn't ask about a lot of this i don't think but i'm just kind of rambling i mean

01:10:25.700 hell i'm in china dude so i can be different over here if i want to or even not even be different i

01:10:31.460 don't know if i am but uh but you know the hard part is is wanting to do that work

01:10:39.380 you know wanting to get better when you know that something is wrong and look if you guys are saying

01:10:45.540 look man if you jerk off once in a while there's nothing wrong with you that's true but that's

01:10:49.700 not what my thing is my thing is that over the years i would look at pornography and anytime i had to

01:10:58.900 interact with a woman in a real scenario a lot of times instead of doing that i would just go masturbate

01:11:04.900 or look at pornography it would kill off the desire to then go meet with a girl or take a girl out on a

01:11:10.900 date or do anything really a lot of times and so then that became just a unhealthy pattern for me

01:11:17.860 and it also was a protector because it's like oh well i don't have to go talk to her you know i don't

01:11:23.620 have to take any risk of actually falling in love or any risk of putting myself out there into a into

01:11:29.060 another person's heart because i'm gonna kill that i'm gonna cut that risk right off here at the pass

01:11:34.740 at the emotional fucking pass i'm gonna cut that risk off by shutting my by physically stopping the

01:11:41.620 desire because your emotions they a lot of your emotions and your physicality it works in conjunction

01:11:50.100 you know i mean uh you know your nuts are connected straight to your heart and so you got to

01:11:56.820 fucking find to you know you got to be careful you can't just be playing those harp those chords all

01:12:01.220 night you know you can't be just busting some fucking c flats on those nut heart strings you

01:12:08.260 know you got to be careful and you got to keep them tuned and because otherwise you can get caught up

01:12:13.220 and that's why that's where i've been and that's how a lot of the dark arts started for me was being

01:12:17.460 out there i appreciate your calling having me think about this let's go to one of our live raise

01:12:22.500 fan line questions you can submit those um on live raise get live raise the app is free it's free to

01:12:28.740 submit the fan lines and these are videos so you can see these on youtube as well if you're watching

01:12:33.540 on youtube subscribe hit the subscribe button don't be a pervert man you're a pervert you're watching

01:12:39.300 some dude on youtube and you're not subscribed bro who the fuck are you who the fuck are you

01:12:46.980 let's hear it what's going on theo my name is james i'm from monterey california thanks for calling in

01:12:52.660 james from monterey that's john steinbeck country and john steinbeck was up there uh

01:12:57.300 fucking with anchovies and writing let's hear more i'm a security guard and

01:13:03.140 hell yeah boy dude i used to have this sketch i want to do about an insecurity guard and it was

01:13:08.820 just like oh he was just hiding in the like hiding behind like a um debt you know like a

01:13:15.460 like hiding in an alley behind a dumpster just hoping nothing bad was happening

01:13:19.940 an insecurity guard you get it okay that was stupid onward hey i caught a fugitive that was wanted

01:13:26.420 by the federal marshals um i was wondering if you've uh done anything heroic that you were

01:13:31.780 really proud of damn you caught a fugitive dude that's awesome and fugitive sounds like pretty

01:13:36.980 much the fanciest criminal you can be some criminals are like hey man i uh stole this i'm a thief and some

01:13:44.900 other then then then then then a big dog rolls up and he goes you a thief bitch i'm a fugitive

01:13:52.420 oh fuck here come a couple of fugitives um have ever done anything heroic

01:14:01.620 you know when my sit when i had uh

01:14:04.020 i found two fingers in the woods one time when i was young somebody cut off their fingers either with

01:14:13.380 uh um some you know with a sling blade or with a cut some folk called the cards a blade no with a uh

01:14:20.100 i don't know a sword or something i don't know we found two fingers a peace sign me and uh one of my

01:14:24.660 buddies and we gave it to the police that's not heroic uh one night i was trying to get a blow job

01:14:31.220 from this girl who was on the swim team and um and we didn't say she was on the swim team because she

01:14:37.940 gave blow jobs that'd be funny you know if a girl gave you a blow job or even a guy and he like swallowed

01:14:43.780 all the time people are like you know they're on the swim team um wow a lot of bad jokes here in china

01:14:50.580 tonight uh but the thing was this the thing was this um oh so i i you know i heard you know everybody

01:15:00.500 heard that she gave blow jobs and that was the kind of dude as soon as somebody gave one blow job

01:15:05.780 you heard it i mean that was you know it was like paul revere you know i mean it was it was that kind

01:15:12.260 of style so anyway i took her out to this boat dock i picked her up one night and i'd stolen my mom's car

01:15:18.820 and i went and picked her up and man we were out there i put on some uh travis tritt or something

01:15:24.820 or some um you know maybe a little bit of uh george straight or something just whatever the uh it was

01:15:32.980 they used to have this this thing on the radio it's called crying loving or leaving and you would put it

01:15:38.260 on the radio and they would um just play country music and people could call in and make requests anyhow

01:15:45.060 me and this girl i put on some country music we're out there slow dancing bro and we got the wind and

01:15:49.860 we're out by this huge boat launch it's like a um this was in madisonville louisiana and they got this

01:15:55.460 huge boat launch and we're the only car out there and uh and suddenly a car and we're out there slow

01:16:03.140 dancing dude and this girl had some fucking hips on her bro she was built like a fucking barrel with

01:16:08.100 small tits and i'm just like man all i'm thinking about dude i'm so erect bro my dick is climbing up

01:16:15.140 my rib cage bro that thing like i'm so erect my dick starts kind of peeking out of the top of my

01:16:20.820 shirt bro that's how erect i was bro i was fully erect and that's when you dude you could get so

01:16:27.540 erect your penis could be like 19 inches long sometimes you're like what the

01:16:31.700 fuck you one of your legs would disappear and just your dick would just grow a foot out the top

01:16:37.460 of it you know just crazy times being young and she and i are slow dancing and suddenly a car goes

01:16:43.860 across the parking lot right off the boat launch and it bounced kind of on the water top and just

01:16:49.540 ended up out in uh oh shit is this audio popping the whole time jesus i don't know um and it just went

01:16:56.340 it bounced off the water because it it was probably going about 40 miles an hour right off into the

01:17:00.820 water and then it sunk and it sunk probably about 15 feet away from the shore so now she and i and

01:17:08.820 this is a huge parking lot by a boat launch and she and i are the only people out there there's not

01:17:15.060 it's a half mile to get to any anything there's a bar about a half mile away so she and i jump in my

01:17:25.860 mom's car and right across the boat launch right across the parking lot we pull up park the car so

01:17:31.940 the headlights are facing out on the water and you can see the car now is completely submerged

01:17:36.740 in uh the lake in the lake poncher train and so she and i run to the end of the boat dock

01:17:44.100 that's there and we got to get in i mean this car is underwater you know you can still see the

01:17:49.140 headlights of the car that went underwater are near the top of the water but they're still a couple feet

01:17:55.300 down and they're still on the headlights are still on so we're scared man we're spooked you know we

01:18:01.220 spooked up you know we spooked up like a couple of fucking um you know like a couple of uh like a

01:18:08.420 couple of frogs you know like a couple of frogs playing with fireworks we're scared and and so we we

01:18:17.780 get down to like our skivvies really and we got to get in this water and i'm like all right let's get

01:18:22.260 in and she goes on the count of three and i'm thinking like the count of three fucking somebody's

01:18:27.380 drowning you don't do one two three jump in the water when somebody's drowning you fucking just

01:18:32.260 jump in i'm saying the dumbest shit ever and this girl was on the swim team this girl was on the

01:18:38.100 actual swim team not doing blowjobs and swallowing she was on the actual swim team you know and she was

01:18:45.780 also doing blowjobs but she was not that's not why people said that she was on the actual team that

01:18:50.260 had a group that went to other places and swam against other groups of people that wanted to

01:18:55.220 swim and so next thing you know she's like one two i jump on three she doesn't jump now i'm in the

01:19:04.660 water by myself i'm swimming over i get onto the car you know because you can kind of get onto the now

01:19:10.260 i'm standing on the top of the car that's submerged underwater and i got to go down i have to you know

01:19:16.180 i i go underwater hold my breath go underwater the driver's side window is is open i reach in the

01:19:23.540 car nobody's in the driver's seat so i'm like fuck you know somebody you know they got knocked around

01:19:28.980 or whatever i i go back up get another breath of air go down again feel around in the passenger seat

01:19:37.380 and they had um they had what i think and this might sound crazy they had a ham somebody had a

01:19:46.820 seasonal ham right there you know what you could get one of those big hams remember they used to have

01:19:52.100 that show supermarket sweep and the thing you had to get was the farmer john hams them things was worth

01:20:01.620 30 32 and man you'd see you know you your teammate would be running around and this was a game show

01:20:08.740 where two people would go to a supermarket and they would run around and get a bunch of

01:20:12.580 shit into a cart and they would get money for doing it it was the greatest game show ever basically one

01:20:17.140 of the greatest games ever played next to maybe nfl football and who the teammate would always be at

01:20:23.460 the front by the register yelling get the ham get the ham get the ham get the ham so anyway in the

01:20:35.380 passenger seat i swear to god they had a farmer john ham right in there and i touched that thing bro it

01:20:40.340 was this cold fucking big ham and i thought it was an and when bro and we're talking pitch black i'm

01:20:47.300 underwater it's night time it's night time it's 9 30 at night you know and all my you know like i'm

01:20:54.340 scared my i'm erect dude and you know you got some meat on you if you were erect and possibly

01:21:03.060 possibly could be finding a dead body and that was that young cat when you had that young cat boy you'd be

01:21:10.180 erect bro you could be fucking digging graves and staying erect and uh so anyway i touched this ham

01:21:18.100 or whatever it was and i think it was definitely a ham and i got sick i thought it was a body i thought

01:21:23.540 it was a shoulder i thought it was a head i thought it was an ass cheek i thought it was all of it i

01:21:27.780 thought it was a big huge knee that was swollen maybe somebody broke their knee in the crash and they

01:21:32.100 had a huge swollen knee that felt like a ham i thought all this shit so i start vomiting just out of

01:21:38.820 fear just vomiting underwater so now i come back out of the water i get out i can't hold my breath

01:21:44.580 anymore to go back down there's somebody in the car i get i swim out i tell the girl you know who put

01:21:51.540 her clothes back on what the fuck you're on the swim team get the helm so now we jump in my mom's car

01:22:00.900 right and i'm nervous because the car seat's getting all wet because i'd still i'd taken my mom's car she

01:22:06.260 didn't know i don't have a driver's license i'm not allowed to use her car and i drove up we drove

01:22:11.300 up we ran to a bar they had a bar called t rivers and it might still be there dude it was a great

01:22:16.100 place to get fucking pink eye really in the summer which you don't see that much and that was a strong

01:22:20.900 strand boy right off that chifuncta river you catch pink eye in the summer off the chifuncta

01:22:26.100 bitch i mean i'm talking the kind of pink eye that would make your fucking throat hurt you know

01:22:31.460 that strong shit and um and uh anyway i go i ran inside the bar i'd never been in there and i'm

01:22:38.740 yelling there's a car went off a gray car went off into the water people come out of the bar about four

01:22:44.180 people in there probably all alcoholics and because it was not a night where anybody should be out

01:22:48.660 drinking and they all got in their cars and now they're all drunk driving back up to the

01:22:53.620 place everybody gets out in the water now there's like five people out in the water looking

01:22:59.540 somebody goes back in the car underwater nobody's in there they say they don't feel anybody

01:23:05.540 i see cop lights in the distance i get scared me and my girl you know i'm saying that swim teamer

01:23:12.340 um

01:23:15.060 we jump in my mom's car and i take her home and drop her off no blow job and she actually moved away she

01:23:20.900 moved away to a different state like about a month later so that's fucking sucked and it turned out

01:23:25.780 somebody just did the uh there was never a body in there that somebody had done it for insurance money

01:23:31.540 they'd like you know started the car earlier and put a brick on it or whatever and sent it off into the

01:23:36.340 water so so i was never a hero i was never a hero uh and that shit cost me a blow job dude somebody

01:23:44.660 trying to catch that insurance and those are the types of people that are fucking shit up in the world

01:23:49.380 you know those are the type of people that say oh i'm portent you know it's not about i'm portent

01:23:57.060 i'm gonna get this assurance money i'm gonna get this hit i'm gonna fake this pts i'm gonna do this

01:24:01.780 i'm gonna do that you know it's like we need hitters we need we need people that's moving forward but

01:24:07.460 thank you for calling on that fan line let's take another fan line question uh from our libraries fan

01:24:11.780 line here we go my question is why is it hard for me why do i get so nervous when i talk to

01:24:20.260 very pretty girls very attractive young ladies

01:24:26.180 i just don't okay yeah i mean why i don't know why you do but i know why i did bruh because i put

01:24:34.340 them on a pedestal i didn't stand a chance with them before i even walked up to them

01:24:38.900 i thought that just because they were pretty that they were more than that as well that they were

01:24:45.700 everything you know i'd always and the prettiest woman or the woman that i always felt was the

01:24:52.100 prettiest since birth my mother you know she left feelings of rejection inside of me and i don't

01:24:58.020 even know if she did it on purpose i don't think she did but those feelings lived inside of my soul at

01:25:03.380 a deep level that i couldn't access and that i still can't but inside of me that made me feel that the

01:25:10.100 woman that i felt the cared for the most didn't want me or didn't care for me so then when i put a

01:25:19.140 woman on a pedestal and that that woman even just in just a moment becomes a woman that i care for the

01:25:25.940 most i can't i can't communicate with them you know i feel rejected by them i feel negative i feel

01:25:34.020 because it was the same that feeling that's when that feeling that's inside of me that

01:25:38.580 was left by my relationship with my mother that's when that thing kind of surfaces a little bit

01:25:43.540 because it's the only template i have is that the woman that i thought was the most beautiful and

01:25:49.540 always would in my soul my mother the one we all feel that way about our mother if they if there's

01:25:57.300 rejection from them then for me this is what i find when i would put a woman on a pedestal

01:26:03.380 i would feel that rejection again you know and i would not be able to talk to them i would not be

01:26:11.300 able to have a voice because though the woman that i cared for the most didn't allow me to have a

01:26:20.980 voice or didn't didn't help me express myself and so therefore women future women that i care about

01:26:31.060 i wouldn't be able to express myself around so that's just for me man for you i don't know

01:26:36.820 it could be some of that um you sound like a caring guy you know you called in here to think about it

01:26:42.900 with with me so obviously you're caring um but i think approaching women first have a friend don't

01:26:50.420 think like i would be like fuck about to walk over and see if this bitch wants to be my wife

01:26:54.980 fuck no you know how much pressure that is for a woman they don't even know and now some man wants

01:26:59.860 to marry him just because they're pretty that's crazy that's crazy and the last thing i want to be

01:27:06.500 around my whole life is a miserable is a girl that's pretty but is miserable i don't give a

01:27:12.740 fuck dude i don't care how pretty you are you know i'm saying if you're so pretty that you but

01:27:20.500 that's all it is man that would be my worst nightmare i don't even want to be in an uber pool with that

01:27:27.140 bitch you know but uh thanks for calling brother onward oh my name is alex and i was wondering if

01:27:35.620 there's any advice you could offer up regarding a loved one who sleeps loud when i say that i mean

01:27:42.420 he like snores and yells in his sleep at this point anything helps okay so you got that loud

01:27:48.740 sleeper you know what i'm saying you got that fucking benjamin barksdale you got somebody being

01:27:54.180 loud next to you while you're trying to sleep first of all that's insane do you know that that's an

01:27:58.260 early warning sign of insanity somebody who when other people are trying to sleep is is violent in their

01:28:03.780 sleep you know i'm saying i was eating this girl she liked to wake up in the middle of the night

01:28:08.100 and catch a fucking handful of skittles in the face come on you know she wanted to eat skittles

01:28:13.940 she'd keep a bowl of skittles by the bed and just drop them s kittles into her throat out of a dead sleep

01:28:21.700 always fighting in her sleep sweating it's wild man it's wild you know p they got some violent sleepers

01:28:29.780 out there they got fucking people out there sleeping in via i'm like damn where are you sleeping in

01:28:34.580 vietnam come back get tighten up if he's allowed shut him down put him in the other room and i would

01:28:43.700 also try him on different sides of his body if he's allowed roll him on his side if he's loud again roll

01:28:49.780 him on the other side he's got four sides try all four if he's violent maybe tape his legs together

01:28:57.140 tie his legs together you know you can also try some of that um metamucil you know what i'm saying

01:29:04.100 metamucil uh makes you have to go to the bathroom and do number twos and if you're on that metamucil look

01:29:11.860 you're not going to sleep real heavy because your butthole is going to be real alert because dude we

01:29:17.620 look man your butthole gets alert feels like your booty wants to whistle but then it is it's number

01:29:23.620 twos you're doing number twos and so that metamucil will do that so maybe put them on a little bit of

01:29:28.100 metamucil uh but thank you for calling there about that loud sleeper man come on people sleeping

01:29:32.980 fucking loudly get it together dude get it to fucking gather you're a loud sleeper you asshole

01:29:42.660 how much more selfish could you be tell them to tighten up baby you tell them i said it

01:29:46.820 let's take another call here this from george davis hey theo this is george from texas man

01:29:53.060 i just wanted to say thanks for all your laughter you provide it's uh really helping me get through

01:29:57.380 a tough time right now in my life um oh you're welcome george man you know it's the least i can

01:30:02.580 do man this is my service i guess you know we're being a part of this uh world and thank you for

01:30:07.860 calling in because this is us this is us man more man see like a lot of other people i uh you know

01:30:15.700 work my ass off trying to find a place to buy and move into eventually and it was a cabin up in uh

01:30:22.580 southern colorado so oh you got that so cold that's so cold that southern colorado cabin huh

01:30:29.300 mm that sounds good dude i'll let a fucking carp jump in my just jump into my one of those sacks you

01:30:35.860 catch them carp sacks and people catch exotic uh mountain lions and shit out there and you could hunt

01:30:41.940 out there and you could a lot of weird shit happening out there people killing their spouses

01:30:46.100 and stuff like that people going missing um just an overall real you know people finding treasure

01:30:51.620 just an overall adventurous area let's hear more just a good place to get away from all the stress and

01:30:57.940 problems that come with living in the big city but man all that shit changed this weekend when some

01:31:03.460 self-confessed anarchist just burnt down the whole fucking forest 40 000 acres uh up in flames they

01:31:11.300 still don't have it contained right now and damn bro i didn't know all that shit was happening

01:31:16.660 they shouldn't sell matches at gas stations i've been saying that shit how you selling matches right

01:31:21.540 next to fucking gas bro you know i'm saying i got anarchists out there they should have anarchist tests

01:31:30.260 test people to see if they're fucking anarchists dude when they're in high school

01:31:34.180 you know i'm saying give them a match and give them a piece of cotton and tell them do not light this

01:31:39.220 piece of cotton on fire if they do it do fucking lock them down or shut them down you know i'm

01:31:44.580 saying give them one of those remote control scarves and shut them down let's hear more

01:31:50.740 i mean i just thinking about all my neighbors that lost their house and all the firefighters and um

01:31:58.020 police uh you know that are doing a good job to contain all that and yeah fire is dangerous dude

01:32:05.700 fire will fuck you up dude fire can do all kinds of stuff fire can turn dough into a

01:32:10.820 fucking muffin fire can make a biscuit fire can light a hallway fire can burn down the damn earth dude onward

01:32:22.020 they arrested the guy and he's in jail right now but man uh it's just been a really tough time and

01:32:28.900 your comedy your style of humor really helps me get through it i've been thinking about it a lot

01:32:34.420 listening to the podcast and uh man it makes me feel like i'm hanging out with one of my older

01:32:39.380 cousins from oklahoma you know they're always funny and had that kind of same view on life that you do so

01:32:46.500 well thank you man i appreciate you saying that george you know yeah you know i i'm glad if i can

01:32:52.980 be that sometimes like an escape or something or a change of pace man i'm happy to you know

01:32:57.300 um that's nice of you to say man because that makes me feel like i'm doing something positive

01:33:04.100 you know and i think all of us you know all we really want at our core is to um

01:33:14.100 is to feel like we are

01:33:17.540 making somebody else feel good you know i think really at our core

01:33:23.060 that all i want is just to

01:33:32.100 is to do that you know i think we all want to do that man you got me getting emotional here a little

01:33:36.500 bit man yeah it makes me when you said that it made me feel you just made me feel something i'm

01:33:42.900 trying to figure out what it is

01:33:47.380 um

01:33:50.900 you made me feel like i was doing something for somebody else i guess or you made me feel like of

01:33:56.100 service or you made me feel like i had some importance like not in a selfish way but just

01:34:03.060 that i was doing something not for myself and um and i appreciate that man that made me feel good

01:34:10.500 when you said that so thank you george bro uh and you be safe out there dude stay out the fire you

01:34:15.940 know i'm saying stay out that don't don't buy a kerosene coat from nobody we won't see you again

01:34:21.140 but if you want a kerosene coat you could probably get one here in china dude you know i'm saying

01:34:27.620 bro you could get a butt plug that's made out of bubblegum son

01:34:32.660 it's gonna be bad breath all month after that fucking wild night thank you for calling george let's

01:34:38.420 have another call here this came in from the uh library's fan line you can uh you can find these

01:34:42.820 these are video you can see these now on on youtube you can see these calls as they come in

01:34:47.780 it's not just the voicemails anymore um you can see the library's ones and you can also submit videos

01:34:54.020 through our website uh theovon.com uh click on the podcast link and you can submit a video there

01:35:00.580 a video question and uh and that is uh all free here we go i was just talking to my girlfriend

01:35:08.900 about uh what it is that i like about you and uh your act too i'd say thank you and this is a call

01:35:16.500 from darren henderson and darren henderson is a person here we go

01:35:23.220 it's that you seem like uh you haven't lost a sense of wonder that almost every child has

01:35:33.060 and that's what i like about you that's what i decided uh so i wanted to thank you for that

01:35:42.020 and uh so i realize that's not a question but i'm just running that by you i wanted to get a response

01:35:49.220 uh from you uh either way thanks darren that's nice you to say man um you know i remember on a

01:35:59.780 on a class trip to disney world when i was young and we honestly i'll be honest with you we ate some lsd

01:36:06.180 and we fucking dude we saw it all son you know what i'm saying i saw man i saw people and i saw

01:36:15.460 machines and i saw it all dude and i saw a great bird come out of the far north

01:36:20.340 and man he had fucking strong hands and i saw him fucking touch my eyeballs

01:36:31.060 with his fevery fucking feelings but um sorry but let me get this back to you so

01:36:39.540 anyway i was at disney world and uh

01:36:43.780 and they have there on a wall it said imagination is more important than knowledge

01:36:48.260 and i i think it's a quote from einstein or something i'm not sure

01:36:52.180 but i just remembered seeing that and i got my picture taken next to it and it's a popular quote

01:36:58.500 but i just knew that that was just my life man that that

01:37:04.020 you know i think when i was young i just hated like

01:37:07.460 i think sadly when at a certain point i hated my life so much or i hated myself or i don't know what it was

01:37:13.380 you know i just was not i just did not feel good when i was young and i just hurt a lot man i don't

01:37:20.900 know what you know i just i don't know and i'm not sad about it i'm not you know it's the past

01:37:26.980 you know i can't live there that shit's over i'm not living there anymore but

01:37:35.060 but my imagination i just needed it and so i think god gave me an imagination

01:37:40.580 um

01:37:43.860 just because i needed it man

01:37:46.420 you know i just hated being inside of myself i just hated

01:37:50.180 i just didn't have any tools to feel okay

01:37:54.020 and so it was just

01:37:55.700 you know and i said so i think god gave me that he gave me a sense of wonder and a sense of imagination

01:38:00.420 but yeah i remember it said imagination is more important than knowledge and i just loved that

01:38:04.340 and and i remember telling my teacher that one time he said you're gonna fail i said imagination is

01:38:11.540 more important than knowledge he goes well you're you're gonna fail this test

01:38:15.860 and he goes you got a d and i said well i'm gonna imagine that i didn't get a d

01:38:22.900 and that was it man

01:38:26.100 but yeah but thanks for saying that dude i guess

01:38:28.820 you know i think there's also a lot of shit i don't know

01:38:30.820 no so which is most stuff so it's like damn i might always have a sense of wonder dude until

01:38:38.660 unless i figure some more stuff out but i appreciate you calling man and just having

01:38:42.980 me think about this kind of stuff and think about like what it is to wonder

01:38:47.860 you know wondering is like

01:38:52.420 sometimes i think like okay so i know this you know

01:38:56.100 i know like a shoe you know i know it it's a shoe but then sometimes it's like oh well it could

01:39:05.540 be a hard foot mitten you know it could be a fucking leather spatula that kind of wraps around your

01:39:13.700 foot a little bit um

01:39:16.180 you know i thought about like i don't know i like to just i don't know some of my brain just serves

01:39:23.700 things to me differently i don't know this is interesting a sense of wonder you got me thinking

01:39:28.740 about this now you got me wondering about wonder bro um but thanks for calling darren i appreciate

01:39:33.460 that man and tell your girlfriend that um that she has a boyfriend who likes to think about stuff and

01:39:39.620 that is of so much value we are quickly quickly catapulting into two types of people in the world

01:39:47.220 people who are thinkers and people who are not and it is happening i believe so fast and and uh

01:39:56.020 and it's i don't think it ends well for people that aren't i don't think it can

01:40:01.540 um let's hear another call here we go hi theo i'm alex from idaho

01:40:07.380 hey alex thanks for calling in i'm calling because i just relapsed and i'm not feeling

01:40:15.380 very good about it okay you just relapsed and you're not feeling really great about it thank

01:40:20.020 you for calling let's hear more i took a shot and i've been clean and sober for about a month

01:40:28.900 okay well that's okay you know it's is it you're you still here you have your voice you're talking

01:40:36.820 about it you're thinking about it you know you're uh you're you're being active let's hear more

01:40:45.140 i'm just kind of feeling down right now theo like i hear i don't feel right about it i'm currently

01:40:51.860 walking home from downtown because i don't have my car well probably good you don't have your car

01:40:59.380 if you're drinking you know you know stay away from that vehicle you know i'm saying you want to be that

01:41:04.260 killer i'm not proud i'm not proud you know i'm just not proud and i uh i just wanted some advice

01:41:12.900 i want some good words from you okay well you're not proud yeah well it's not a thing of pride i mean

01:41:20.740 you want to have um yeah i'm sorry you don't feel good about it but it doesn't make you a bad person

01:41:28.180 because you did it you know you said you had about six weeks that's a long time of being sober if you

01:41:33.380 want to be sober you know uh and the good thing is you can always start over you just started over now

01:41:43.140 so it's okay you did six weeks and that's good man you did six weeks dude my buddy robbed a bakery one

01:41:53.780 time right right fucking idiot also you know just bake at home it takes longer to make as much bread

01:42:01.620 and stuff but robbing a bakery is dumb but um they gave he got six weeks he got six weeks in a local

01:42:09.700 jail so you know six weeks is six weeks and don't feel bad about yourself you can feel bad that this

01:42:17.780 didn't work out that this you know but now you got six weeks now you have a challenge get more next

01:42:23.540 time if you want to get more you know and also it doesn't sound like you're a bad person you didn't

01:42:28.980 sound fucking wasted you had a shot i remember i tried to go 31 days one time and on 30 days

01:42:35.220 a girl asked me if i wanted to drink and i had no defense if a woman asked me for anything

01:42:40.260 i had no ability to stand on my own two feet at all and i said yes and man i didn't feel proud either

01:42:47.300 i felt like i gave up but here i am a couple years later and i got two years tomorrow so so

01:42:54.660 that's okay you know i'm saying we still love you keep your shit together you know i'm saying just

01:42:59.700 make sure you wash your crotch up every now and then you know and that doesn't that and that's mad

01:43:05.060 that's for everybody if you're drinking or not drinking wash your fucking dick or wash your crotch

01:43:09.860 people think dude so many people never wash their crotch they let the water run over but

01:43:13.940 they don't fucking wash it wash your crotch dude i met this girl at the library one time and she

01:43:19.460 only had eight she only had eight fingers or eight toes i don't remember which one it was

01:43:26.100 but over you know she only had 18 of the big 20 and uh and her crotch damn boy i met her at the

01:43:35.460 library bro but her that crotch smelled like a fucking card catalog dude you know what i'm saying

01:43:41.380 man it smelled like dewey dewey dewey dewey had been des you know dewey the decimals he'd been

01:43:50.340 decimated it smelled like dewey had been decimated up in there so you got to tighten up your crotch no

01:43:55.700 matter what man or woman you know i'm saying sud your nuts up you want you want soap that can

01:44:00.740 fucking predict the future bro wash your nuts with it get a bar here from china uh let's take one more

01:44:06.260 call man and then i gotta i gotta get off the line man i gotta get off the line it's just been

01:44:11.140 it's been a lot and we'll get more we got a lot of calls that came in and we'll get more

01:44:15.540 but um let's take a call right here this says dark arts in china here we go hey man it's scott

01:44:22.900 up in west virginia what's up scott up in west virginia thanks for calling i hope this call

01:44:28.340 reaches you before you take your flight overseas but too late scott but i'm glad you called anyway and

01:44:34.740 i'm excited to hear it what is it you might want to rub one out i'm thinking um if you get caught up

01:44:41.220 in the dark arts of the orient i don't know what they are but they sound mysterious and just a bit

01:44:46.820 more dangerous to me you might catch yourself with a pair of chopsticks and get a splinter and that's

01:44:54.100 the kind where it works itself out but thinking you might want to handle business before you have

01:45:02.420 business handled oh well i appreciate you looking out for me man you know and i i you know i didn't

01:45:10.820 hear this call until now but i didn't do that you know i'm saying i came up in here fully jocked up

01:45:17.940 you know i'm saying i got these my nuts are full are fully sauced up you know i'm saying i'm showing

01:45:23.300 up with these i mean i could probably sell one of my nuts for a thousand dollars a nut full of

01:45:30.020 fucking fancy american straight up human sauce bro that's a damn delicacy around here everything's a

01:45:36.580 delicacy dude you could eat you know i'm saying you could sell a dove's asshole to somebody over here

01:45:41.700 here for probably 250 dollars i mean you could do anything you know like uh they got all kinds of

01:45:48.900 stuff here they have any type of animal you could imagine and i'm saying they got ostriches raised on

01:45:54.660 fucking rare uh whale semen they have ostriches that their whole lives they've only been fed semen from

01:46:02.180 big whales and that meat my god that meat is the meat from those ostriches bro will crawl into your

01:46:11.620 fucking mouth and sleep all night and then go down your throat and that is damn i mean that is the

01:46:20.420 lord that is wild but yeah i didn't do it man i came in here fully up and i'm gonna leave fully up

01:46:28.180 you know and it's been a good experience and i didn't get caught in because you can do all kinds

01:46:32.580 of stuff in china you know i'm saying for 60 dollars you could jerk off into a shark's mouth

01:46:38.580 and sure it's just a dude dressed up like a shark but still you know sure it's just a dude named larry

01:46:44.660 shark but still but uh no anything can happen around here man and um and i appreciate you looking out

01:46:50.740 for me scott but i made it through uh so far and i still have a little bit more time to kill here

01:46:56.100 tomorrow but uh but so far i have made it through what else do i want to talk about um

01:47:04.500 what else what else is here uh not too much man got some other dates out there i want to tell you

01:47:10.260 about um appleton wisconsin salt lake city washington dc uh all those things you can go get them um

01:47:17.700 um what else man any other big adventures not much just taking it as it comes and realizing that

01:47:26.100 uh man there's just so still so much stuff i can do you know not being hard on myself but just

01:47:33.780 man life is such a crazy challenge somebody sent me an email and it said man i wish i

01:47:39.780 uh it said imagine that you just exist in nothing for eternity that your spirit your energy just exists

01:47:50.740 like and i'm paraphrasing exists in eternity like out in there in the ether and he said life is

01:48:00.740 life is the when you is a moment where you get to come to the forefront

01:48:04.260 of the fishbowl of of of of being and you get to interact with the other with the other spirits

01:48:14.740 like life is that that's what our lives are there's all these other you know humans and beings and

01:48:20.820 everything out there in the ether in the space in the all these other energies and and life is this

01:48:27.700 is this one is this one time period where we get to show up in a form and actually interact with each

01:48:33.540 other before we go back out into the ether this is it this is it we get to be here and feel

01:48:44.100 and love and see and hurt and recover and forgive we get to be here man we are you are

01:48:55.060 fucking here you might be at work right now you might be wherever but you're on a fucking planet

01:49:04.340 floating in the middle of space and you get to love if you want to you get to help if you want to

01:49:13.460 you get to forgive you get to apologize you get to start over you get to make it to six weeks sober

01:49:21.060 if you want to you get to learn a new language if you want to you get to travel to another within that

01:49:28.260 this this existence you can travel to another type of people that speak a whole different language

01:49:34.420 and experience all those feelings and emotions and moments in a different and with a little bit of a

01:49:42.740 different recipe

01:49:45.860 man it's fascinating being alive we can't control it we can take it as it comes

01:49:56.020 we can control ourselves

01:49:59.220 man i'm not trying to preach or anything tonight but i just i don't know

01:50:02.180 i'm in china man and i'm just you know my ying yangs is up my ying yangs is up um thank you guys

01:50:13.060 so much dude thank you guys so much thank you for being here with me uh i'm just grateful we got a

01:50:20.660 lot more calls stuff we'll have to get to them later man because i got you know i got to do to bed i got

01:50:24.020 and i got to edit all this and upload it so it's gonna be a lot of uh effort but i'm excited to put it

01:50:28.900 in i'm excited to put this effort in as always you can hit the hotline if you have a comment a

01:50:33.540 suggestion 985-664-9503 uh follow us support i'll see you in raleigh north carolina this weekend

01:50:43.700 you know and i love you and be good to yourself because because you probably

01:50:53.300 deserve it have you thought about that you just might you're making it you know that don't you

01:50:59.700 you're making it

01:51:12.100 i ain't seen home in about a hundred days i can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul

01:51:21.220 and i ain't made a dollar i ain't spent but where it's going ain't killed me yet i still get where

01:51:30.580 i'm bound to go man it's bishop gun

01:51:34.500 come on you got this you're making it you got this you got this you got this

01:51:59.140 shit today this week this month you got this

01:52:08.500 most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wind up next to me broken on the ground

01:52:17.940 i should have put it down

01:52:29.300 but i'm making it

01:52:38.660 i'm making it

01:52:42.660 i'm making it

01:52:48.020 i'm making good time

01:52:52.020 this band they get me man

01:52:58.500 you got a guest you want to see on here you go tell them

01:53:01.540 let's do this man

01:53:04.020 let's fucking do this

01:53:05.380 we can do this

01:53:20.420 next week i might feel like we can't but right now i feel like we can

01:53:31.860 and the friends that i've lost

01:53:34.660 i'm left here alone in my sin

01:53:42.660 but i'm in pretty good shape

01:53:45.860 for the shape that i need

01:53:48.020 i want to thank everybody in shanghai that came out man

01:54:14.420 you know to be in another country

01:54:19.860 and somebody comes from your home country

01:54:23.700 instead of wanting them to bring you something and them

01:54:28.260 and and me make them feel a certain way they made me feel comfortable they wanted me to be okay

01:54:35.780 man just great people great people out here the center

01:54:39.300 you know these group they got this this group out here storm brian ian barney

01:54:55.780 and that fancy weatherman too

01:55:00.980 that fancy fucking weatherman bro

01:55:03.460 that's the wildness man that's the wildness you guys be good to yourselves you probably

01:55:11.060 deserve it i will uh see you back in america

01:55:19.380 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be

01:55:24.340 sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your

01:55:29.540 partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as

01:55:36.340 always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are

01:55:43.140 talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so

01:55:49.380 great hi sweetheart here's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:55:57.300 jermaine hi i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry sorry sir but our ice

01:56:03.300 cream machine is broken oh no i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule the kite club

01:56:11.060 is tell everyone about kite club second rule the kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule

01:56:18.500 like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes

01:56:23.940 don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - July 16, 2018

China in a Nutshell ｜ This Past Weekend #113

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